# Help!! At my witts end but can't leave.....



## AMOR86 (Oct 26, 2014)

Where to start......

Before we married i found out my husband was into some shall we say kinky bedroom activities. We played around and i tried everything we was into. I thought things were great but then i found out he had visited a professional dominatrix (no sex but it is still sexual so i still think this is cheating) I was crushed. But i was so in love and so happy that I forgave him. 
I found out a month before our wedding that he had emailed another dominatrix. It never went further than that. But it still really hurt me. Since then I have caught him visiting several sites aimed at finding people to visit for this type of encounter in your local area. He swears that he hasn't met anyone since that first time. Every time he does it it absolutely kills me. Every time I tell him if he ever does it again were over but every time i stay. 

I am so in love and want to be with this man forever!!! But our sex life is awful now and I am not sure I can cope. I don't want to throw everything away. We have just been referred for our first fertility specialist appointment. Starting a family with my husband is all I have ever wanted its taken ages to get to this point and I don't know what to do anymore


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Why can't you leave?

To everyone reading /--> if they cheat on you before you marry, they will cheat on you after they marry. As the football coach Dennis Green once said, "They are who we thought they were."

Please cancel your appointment with the fertility clinic. You should be reevaluating your life top to bottom befor even thinking of making a child with this man.

He is constantly emailing hook up sites, went to see at least one that you are aware of. Your sex life is terrible. Sounds like heaven. Get your head out of your... clouds, hun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, sounds like he needs a dominatrix. Are you not capable of fulfilling this role? As i understand it, if you become his mistress, you "collar" him and he can no longer have any sexual activity whatsoever without your direction/consent. Become his mistress/dom, and keep the monogmous relationship going that way.

And as for the kid....maybe wait a year before those fertility treatments? No sense bringing a kid into a marriage that is in-flux


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Getting pregnant would simply be irresponsible.

He is going to go through with this eventually. That's guaranteed.

Your choice to stay and be cheated on. AGAIN.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If you have a kid, you will be dooming it to a life of unhappy family or broken family. 

He will be the child's father, the boy or girl's role model for how to behave in a marriage/what to accept from your man in a marriage, and you will be the miserable, boring (difficult to have fun when you are depressed and miserable), stressed, depressed, unhappy mother. An equal role model for them to look up to. 

Sort the marriage out first...and if you know what's good for you, you will find out why you accept such shoddy behaviour and disrespect from your man, why you don't feel that you deserve more. If you feel you deserve more then why are you not demanding more and ensuring you get more? Why are you accepting such low standards for yourself? Anyone with self respect would have got rid of him...why do you not have self respect? (These are questions to consider, to ask yourself).

Don't ever have a child with this man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe he needs some pretty deep counselling?


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Don't have children. They'll become casualties in the crossfire.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

AMOR86 said:


> I am so in love and want to be with this man forever!!! But our sex life is awful now and I am not sure I can cope. I don't want to throw everything away. We have just been referred for our first fertility specialist appointment. Starting a family with my husband is all I have ever wanted its taken ages to get to this point and I don't know what to do anymore


 I suppose you may think or even believe that a child can and will cool his temperament for this behavior but rest assured the added stress of parenthood will undoubtedly push him into this and possibly more profane activities, and the reason is so clear, to escape the "Drag" called married life and parenthood.

We can also not dismiss the fact that you feel in love with him, so what exactly about him makes you feel love for him. It can't be the web browsing since you plainly made it clear it hurts you and the risk it belies is not emotionally soothing. It does sound like you have some self esteem issues since you are prepared to consistently tolerate this behavior. I'd like to be the first to tell you this is a side effect from his emotional abuse towards you and your reluctance to do anything is what is enabling him to continue it. 

I am not trying to berate you either, but you do need to push back. If you let the dog piss on the rug without so much as raising your voice don't expect him to moan to be let outside. I know this is hard, but the first thing you need to do is accept it, nothing you do can change the past but your actions going forward can and will change the future. Do not wait, procrastinate or back down and since you have little anger in your post muster up some; You have been betrayed, several times, by the one person you are supposed to trust implicitly with your life, love, money and physical health.

Take a step back and regroup, focus, and get started, the sooner the better.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Getting pregnant would simply be irresponsible.
> 
> He is going to go through with this eventually. That's guaranteed.
> 
> Your choice to stay and be cheated on. AGAIN.


PLEASE reconsider making a child with him until you can stabilize your marriage, that would be completely irresponsible.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Reconsider starting a family but in the meantime why not research femdom or female lead relationships? why cant you be his Dom? you may love this more unconventional side and could bring you closer if you are his mistress?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here is the best advice I can give you:

#1--He is into being dominated. This is not going to change. If you can not be a dominatrix and you think it's a betrayal to go to another dominatrix, then you two are not a good match. 

So either ACCEPT that he will always go to another person to be dominated, or ACCEPT that you need to fill that role. There is nothing we can do to "magically change him" into loving you without the domination. That's not who he is. 

#2--YOU may want to nothing more than to have a loving family and child with this man, but it does not sound like that is all he wants with you. AMOR86, let me put it this way: you say that you *love* this man and all you want is to have a sweet, happy family...but I suspect what you want is not "this man" but rather the man in your image of a loving husband and happy family. The man who loves only you and adores his child. 

THIS MAN is a man who is into domination and enjoys being submissive. THIS MAN will be a husband who wants to be dominated and be a father who teaches his child that sexual kink is normal....because that's what the kid will see as a model. 

So it's up to you. Are you willing and able to accept him AS HE IS and either be dominating or let him go to a dominatrix? If so, and you can whole-heartedly embrace that, then it's possible your marriage may last. If you can not, and if you just can not live like that, then it's not possible for this marriage to last and if you have a child, you will be purposefully choosing to have a child who grows up in a broken home with half time at each parent's house....AND the child would still see that a father having dominating women in his life is okay!

So it's up to you. You can choose, but what you can NOT do is make this man into the man you have in your image. You can not make another person change--the only person you can change is YOU.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

AMOR86 said:


> Where to start......
> 
> Before we married i found out my husband was into some shall we say kinky bedroom activities. We played around and i tried everything we was into. I thought things were great but then i found out he had visited a professional dominatrix (no sex but it is still sexual so i still think this is cheating) I was crushed. But i was so in love and so happy that I forgave him.
> I found out a month before our wedding that he had emailed another dominatrix. It never went further than that. But it still really hurt me. Since then I have caught him visiting several sites aimed at finding people to visit for this type of encounter in your local area. He swears that he hasn't met anyone since that first time. Every time he does it it absolutely kills me. Every time I tell him if he ever does it again were over but every time i stay.
> ...


STOP! DO NOT GO TO the fertility clinic and MOVE OUT!! Don't talk to him until he is going to therapy for sex addiction, you also need to go to therapy because you have been in denial, and will continue to be in denial. This is no way to live and even less of a way to start a family...really, put some time and space between you until he gets that you are done with this nonsense and he takes responsibility. If he doesn't, then thank God for not having any children with this man. He is damaged, he is going to hurt you and your children if you keep enabling him and his problems.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> #1--He is into being dominated. This is not going to change. If you can not be a dominatrix* and you think it's a betrayal to go to another dominatrix*.


i personally do not see how a husband could be faithful to a marriage but also submit to another person who is a dominatrix. 

Dominatrix's do things like demand their sub not have sex with anyone else, or not without the dom's permission. How would that work, she is in bed, wants to get laid, but he needs to get permission from the dom first? :rofl:

what, would he keep the dom's phone number on speed dial?

It would have to be HER as the dom, or walk away.

I do wonder, theoretically speaking, if a sub would make a good husband for a dominant woman. I mean, the woman ALWAYS would get her way. Any fetish or kink she wanted, he would give her, no questions asked.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Help!! At my witts end but can't leave.....*



murphy5 said:


> well, sounds like he needs a dominatrix. Are you not capable of fulfilling this role? As i understand it, if you become his mistress, you "collar" him and he can no longer have any sexual activity whatsoever without your direction/consent. Become his mistress/dom, and keep the monogmous relationship going that way.
> 
> And as for the kid....maybe wait a year before those fertility treatments? No sense bringing a kid into a marriage that is in-flux


The problem is if he is seriously into that lifestyle then his wife cannot fulfill the role of spouse and dom. There is a very different relationship formed between the dom and the sub. Couples may (role) play around with BDSM but it's just play. Those that are truly into it need a separate person to fulfill that role. They can't release the real person they are with their spouse. OP, you need to find out how seriously he is into that lifestyle because to stay with him might mean you have to be willing to share him.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Help!! At my witts end but can't leave.....*



murphy5 said:


> i personally do not see how a husband could be faithful to a marriage but also submit to another person who is a dominatrix.
> 
> Dominatrix's do things like demand their sub not have sex with anyone else, or not without the dom's permission. How would that work, she is in bed, wants to get laid, but he needs to get permission from the dom first? :rofl:
> 
> ...


The dom/sub contact is worked out before any "activities" commence. If he is married then he can and should exclude his martial life and status from their interactions. Of course that's only if his wife concedes to his participation. Believe it or not most true doms will not execute a contract if the person is married and the spouse is unwilling. Many times the dom insists on getting a personal okay from the spouse before a contract can be finalized.

Also, you'd be surprised the number and type of men that participate in this lifestyle. Many a CEO and high level executive as well as politicians, military officers etc. There is a saying in that world that the more powerful the individual the stronger the craving for domination.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

And for anyone who is wondering, no I'm not into it but I've had people close to me that were.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

bfree said:


> The problem is if he is seriously into that lifestyle then his wife cannot fulfill the role of spouse and dom. There is a very different relationship formed between the dom and the sub. Couples may (role) play around with BDSM but it's just play. Those that are truly into it need a separate person to fulfill that role. They can't release the real person they are with their spouse. OP, you need to find out how seriously he is into that lifestyle because to stay with him might mean you have to be willing to share him.


i guess what i was naively thinking of would be like a life-long role play. She puts on a dominatrix persona some of the time, but all along is a loving wife. I guess it might not work that way in real life:rofl: maybe she could not role play being mean enough.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He seems pretty serious since he already cheated on her once and is I the planning stages now.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

**thoughts...

This guy is broken. Very broken. Do you have the energy to fix him? I'm exhausted just reading this thread.

I am so sorry for you. He's smashed hopes and dreams. Perhaps, its time for you to move on from this grossly broken immature man-child.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK, what better why to get the dishes done, the toliet cleaned and the dog walked.

I say throw a collar on him, put a butt plug in and smack his @ss....you may want to throw some clothes on him when he walks the dog or you might end up bailing him out of jail.

My point is try to find the benefit in all this craziness. You can't rewire him.

That and a chastity belt for males.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Look, 

I'm not saying that **I** am into it or that I agree with it, but people are free to be who there are and disagree with me. Thus, just because I think it's immoral and would not accept it in MY partner doesn't mean that someone else might find it tolerable and accept it in THEIR partner. 

So if it were me--I'd never accept it. *It's not me*. But it MAY be her, and if she's willing and able to live with it, she can make that choice. From what I understand of the situation, the thrill is being utterly dominated by another human being, not necessarily "sexual" stuff. Thus, it is within the realm of conceivability that as a couple they have the agreement in their own private life that he stay sexually exclusive to his wife, but the dominatrix can subjugate him in any other way she sees fit. I mean, envision "Lick my boots" which has no particular sexual ramifications but is very domineering. 

All I'm saying is that OP can not change him. If he's into this, he will find a way to be dominated by hook or by crook whether they have a child together or not. And if she is NOT into it and is not okay with it, then bringing a life into the mix will not change him. The only thing that would fix him is if HE saw it as an issue and wanted to go to therapy to change it. 

Again, he may see it just as "what he's into" and not have any desire to stop--in fact, I don't see anything about his actions or anything indicating any kind of thought about changing. Sooooo.... I may disagree, but that's not relevant. I'm not one of the parties in her marriage. If SHE agrees to it, and HE agrees to it, it's between them and up to them to honor their own promises.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Help!! At my witts end but can't leave.....*



murphy5 said:


> i guess what i was naively thinking of would be like a life-long role play. She puts on a dominatrix persona some of the time, but all along is a loving wife. I guess it might not work that way in real life:rofl: maybe she could not role play being mean enough.


Understood but it depends on how deep the rabbit hole goes. If he is looking for just a little extra stimulation then yes his wife can try to fulfill that role for him. But I am guessing that he is much more into it than that. She said they did some kinky things together already. To me that shows he might have been trying to find a way around having a separate dom. She says now that their sex life isn't good. To me that indicates he cannot perform without being able to be free to release that part of himself once and a while. The OP needs to face the fact that this is part of his personality and probably always will be. She may never be able to have that part of him and the decision to share him or not is squarely in her corner.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Help!! At my witts end but can't leave.....*



the guy said:


> IDK, what better why to get the dishes done, the toliet cleaned and the dog walked.
> 
> I say throw a collar on him, put a butt plug in and smack his @ss....you may want to throw some clothes on him when he walks the dog or you might end up bailing him out of jail.
> 
> ...


Lol


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i would not throw in the towel just yet. Maybe he is just embarrased to really ask her for what he wants, and finds it somehow easier to post an ad at a fetish website where like-minded people hang out. If so, her really sitting down, talking to him, and probing the depths of his kinkiness _*might*_ get them both to a place they can both be happy at.


if his kink involves gay domination, that would be a different story. Or if she could not offer him the particular type of kink he wants, because of her upbringing/morals...that would be a deal killer too. Or maybe he needs to play with various other partners because cheating is his fetish...equally irrecoverable unless she allows an open marriage.

But i could see it working: "Honey i'm home". 
"oh hi dear, your dinner is in the dog bowl. Here, lets put on your collar"
"ruff!" 
" BAD dog BAD dog!"


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

You stated that you played around with what he was into, and yet he still went to a professional dominatrix. Have you asked him why?

The dom/sub tendencies can be powerful draws, and the people who are truly, deeply into those eventually often find it hard to be fulfilled without them being a major part of their lives. Are you willing to be his domme? Most women who are not naturally inclined to be the dominant partner will not be fulfilled in a relationship where she has to be in charge all the time.


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