# Girls Night Out Round 2



## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

So My wife and I had an understanding that she would not go to bars or clubs with out me, and that lasted a day and a half 
We are back to fighting about it. She says I dont trust her and she wants to do is go out to a club and dance every few months with hre girl friends. She says she is not doing anything wrong by doing this and they do is dane together and have a good time. I dont care I dont want my wife in a club without me. Is that so wrong?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

No it's not wrong - but do you take her out dancing at clubs? If she's looking for an activity, and made it known but you don't supply it... what else is she to do.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

2xloser said:


> No it's not wrong - but do you take her out dancing at clubs? If she's looking for an activity, and made it known but you don't supply it... what else is she to do.


Bingo. My hubby hates to dance. Hates it. I invite him often and the answer is no. I go out with friends, have a good time and spare him the agony of having John Travolta moves in a Lil John world.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

There's an interesting angle/question, brighteyes -- is it better for a couple to "tolerate" doing so together (ie, she knows his dancing is no good; he hates it because he's no good at it), or for her to go out anyway even though hubby resents and subsequently has trust issues over it? 

I suppose the answer is 'dance lessons'... but really now, is it about dancing for the OP's wife or more about being out in a club atmosphere faux single...?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

2xloser said:


> There's an interesting angle/question, brighteyes -- is it better for a couple to "tolerate" doing so together (ie, she knows his dancing is no good; he hates it because he's no good at it), or for her to go out anyway even though hubby resents and subsequently has trust issues over it?
> 
> I suppose the answer is 'dance lessons'... but really now, is it about dancing for the OP's wife or more about being out in a club atmosphere faux single...?


I would never go out if he resented it, not at all. He really hates to dance, never has liked it. If we had a room with a killer sound system and enough space for my friends and I to dance, you bet I would stay home! As it is, we are talking maybe twice a year that I go out without him. 
We did take dance lessons too. You either feel the beat, or you don't. He is a lyric kind of guy and I respect that.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> So My wife and I had an understanding that she would not go to bars or clubs with out me, and that lasted a day and a half
> We are back to fighting about it. She says I dont trust her and she wants to do is go out to a club and dance every few months with hre girl friends. She says she is not doing anything wrong by doing this and they do is dane together and have a good time. I dont care I dont want my wife in a club without me. Is that so wrong?


Unless you are here to see if others support your stance, I don't think there is much more that people can offer. It sounds like this is an area where she will not concede. You never discussed these types of scenarios before marriage?

Either you find a way to ease your fears of this, or you you ask yourself why this seems to be more important to her than the marital unity. It might only be answered through counseling.


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## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

2xloser said:


> No it's not wrong - but do you take her out dancing at clubs? If she's looking for an activity, and made it known but you don't supply it... what else is she to do.


I would love to take her out more to clubs or where ever she wants to go. She says that she just needs to be her own person and go out with friends once in a while. Growing up she had a very tuff time with her parents, father was very controling and then even kicked her out when she was 18. We moved in together when they kicked her out and got married a few years later. Were in our 7th year of marriage and uo until now she has never gone out to clube or really drank all that much. She said she wants to be be able to do the things she was never able to do when she was younger. When I ask her not to go to those places without me she feels that I am trying to be like her father and tell her what to do. She says she dances with her friends and nothing else and if a guy were to come up to her she would tell them to get away.


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## Mansoinlove (Jun 18, 2011)

She is becoming dramatic here and do not fall for it. I have some feelings that after you talked about it she went to tell her friends and her friends are pressuring her to keep on going to clubs. She probably has bad friends who are toxic to your relationship.
she is using defensive words (not trusting her, you treat her like her father), those are tests and do not fail.

Never change your mind, stick to your guns and never allow her to go out to clubs with friends alone. 

you need to be powerful as a man, make decisions and stick to it. In my opinion it is absolutely not right for a married person to go out in clubs alone or with friends without their spause. I have discussed with my soon to be fiancee about it and I told her that is a deal breaker to me. She understood and we are cool with it. In that case i am sure about the future for that issue


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## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

Mansoinlove said:


> She is becoming dramatic here and do not fall for it. I have some feelings that after you talked about it she went to tell her friends and her friends are pressuring her to keep on going to clubs. She probably has bad friends who are toxic to your relationship.
> she is using defensive words (not trusting her, you treat her like her father), those are tests and do not fail.
> 
> Never change your mind, stick to your guns and never allow her to go out to clubs with friends alone.
> ...


Oh I am sticking too it, I just want to stop fighting about it. The problem I have is she does not seem to think it is a big deal but its is to me. I dont no how else to express my feelings to her without it getting turned back on me. Now she is asking my permission to go and do anything and thats not what I want. I want her to be happy too we just need to come to an understanding on this. I dont think asking her to not do one thing is asking alot here. I told her Girls night out is fine just to please not do it at a club.


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## Mansoinlove (Jun 18, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> Oh I am sticking too it, I just want to stop fighting about it. The problem I have is she does not seem to think it is a big deal but its is to me. I dont no how else to express my feelings to her without it getting turned back on me. Now she is asking my permission to go and do anything and thats not what I want. I want her to be happy too we just need to come to an understanding on this. I dont think asking her to not do one thing is asking alot here. I told her Girls night out is fine just to please not do it at a club.


Probably the way you say it is like begging her not to go instead of say it with tone which shows that you are serious of what you are saying! I do not mean shout or yell but with a serious tone.
It is absolutely unacceptable behavior to go out clubbing as if she is single. Do not give that permission. Tell her if she does care and respect your feelings she should not keep on wanting to go.

You do not have to argue about it anymore. Tell her what you said you mean it and you will not change your decision. Whenever she brings up again do not engage in it, just tell her you do not want to talk about it anymore since you have explained what you feel and she does not care about your feelings.


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## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

Mansoinlove said:


> Probably the way you say it is like begging her not to go instead of say it with tone which shows that you are serious of what you are saying! I do not mean shout or yell but with a serious tone.
> It is absolutely unacceptable behavior to go out clubbing as if she is single. Do not give that permission. Tell her if she does care and respect your feelings she should not keep on wanting to go.
> 
> You do not have to argue about it anymore. Tell her what you said you mean it and you will not change your decision. Whenever she brings up again do not engage in it, just tell her you do not want to talk about it anymore since you have explained what you feel and she does not care about your feelings.


How I have said it is Iam not trying to control you I just wish you would respect my feelings.


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## Mansoinlove (Jun 18, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> How I have said it is Iam not trying to control you I just wish you would respect my feelings.


That is begging her to respect your feelings. do not beg respect. You command respect.
You should say that you will no longer tolerate respect, tell her as you her her husband she should respect you as you respect her. She should put her feelings first more than a nightout in clubs then close the discussing. when you argue alot you loose your respect!!!


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Bingo. My hubby hates to dance. Hates it. I invite him often and the answer is no. I go out with friends, have a good time and spare him the agony of having John Travolta moves in a Lil John world.


How about if your wife just wants to go out with friends and be herself once in a while like once a mth. She lets me do the same and yes if i really wanted to go the club with her i could go i just choose to let her have fun and she respects that i do the same.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> So My wife and I had an understanding that she would not go to bars or clubs with out me, and that lasted a day and a half
> We are back to fighting about it. She says I dont trust her and she wants to do is go out to a club and dance every few months with hre girl friends. She says she is not doing anything wrong by doing this and they do is dane together and have a good time. I dont care I dont want my wife in a club without me. Is that so wrong?


You are correct in this.

I do think it is a good idea for you to schedule some dates with your wife where you meet this need. Soon. Like this week.

I do expect her to change her tune and say she wants to do the GNO in the bars but you are on solid ground if you do your part with the dancing. Pick a reasonable place to go dancing, even if it is a long drive.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Bingo. My hubby hates to dance. Hates it. I invite him often and the answer is no. I go out with friends, have a good time and spare him the agony of having *John Travolta *moves in a Lil John world.


Remember Urban Cowboy? Yeah I know a long time ago.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes;359777[B said:


> ]I would never go out if he resented it, not at all. [/B]He really hates to dance, never has liked it. If we had a room with a killer sound system and enough space for my friends and I to dance, you bet I would stay home! As it is, we are talking maybe twice a year that I go out without him.
> We did take dance lessons too. You either feel the beat, or you don't. He is a lyric kind of guy and I respect that.


DING DING DING ... we have a winner!!! This is the big issue here.

I think I would build that room with the killer sounds system. I guess installing a pole in the living room does not meet both your needs? 

Nevermind


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> I would love to take her out more to clubs or where ever she wants to go. She says that she just needs to be her own person and go out with friends once in a while. Growing up she had a very tuff time with her parents, father was very controling and then even kicked her out when she was 18. We moved in together when they kicked her out and got married a few years later. Were in our 7th year of marriage and uo until now she has never gone out to clube or really drank all that much. *She said she wants to be be able to do the things she was never able to do when she was young*er. When I ask her not to go to those places without me she feels that I am trying to be like her father and tell her what to do. She says she dances with her friends and nothing else and if a guy were to come up to her she would tell them to get away.


So she has father issues and that is not your fault, but it is obviously now your problem to deal with. That said, I donlt think you let that alter your boundaries. She is just repeating her cycle of behavior. 

That bolded part is very scary to me. She is no longer single. It sounds like she is yearning for some freedom. Ok, understood ... to a point. The problem is when that freedom becomes incompatible with her marriage. 

In your case what is probably happening is that you are able to talk to her and get agreement BUT likely when she tells her friends they start working on her and telling her that you are not her father and that she is being controlled and whatever. So you are probably not just dealing with your wifes issues but her friends as well.

You may have covered this but do you know her firends well and do you know how their marriages are going. If they are mostly single you have some concern. If they have toxic marriages you have some concern.

I think you do make your stand somewhere. I would on this personally sooner than later. Friends are great but they really don't need to go to meat markets without their SOs. 

So take her out to dance. Just you as a couple sometimes and also with her friends. Your boundary is as you state, no meat markets without you. The Girls need time together without their SOs. Just not in meat markets.

I think if you do the above she is on very thin ice. She can have her dancing with you alone and with you and her friends.

If the real objective is to have time in the meat markets without you, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Since she has stated she wants to do new things she has not done before, I would be concerned that those new things involved other men. I don;t think that is being insecure as the information is right in front of you.

If things blowup from here because you take a stand trust me they would anyway and after dragging your heart through hell first.

Keep the communications going. I would want to talk calmly to her about what types of new things she wants to do. I would let her elaborate and not challenge each and everything until you have the picture. The picture she is willing to share. There likely will be things she does not share. But who knows?

I am not a fan of partners taking breaks from marriages to act out single behavior. That's just me. I do think you have to treat each other as adults. But if the adult is choosing to single behavior then that is a big problem. Letting the other spouse go wild for a while and expecting the marriage to be improved by that is just nukkinfuts. You see all sorts of people encoruaging that and then you find out they are seperated, going through adn divorce or just have huge issues in their own marriage.

I think you are correct in concern as this is not just about her GNOs.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> Oh I am sticking too it, I just want to stop fighting about it. The problem I have is she does not seem to think it is a big deal but its is to me. I dont no how else to express my feelings to her without it getting turned back on me. *Now she is asking my permission to go and do anything and thats not what I want*. I want her to be happy too we just need to come to an understanding on this. I dont think asking her to not do one thing is asking alot here. I told her Girls night out is fine just to please not do it at a club.


Passive agressive.

The big deal here is she is trying in a big way to alter her marriage boundaries. It is not that she did this stuff before marriage. These are new behaviors. So I am gathering she wants to increase her alcohol intake as well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> How I have said it is Iam not trying to control you I just wish you would respect my feelings.


That is not strong enough. Don't even address the control thing. 

You do not just wish she would respect your feeelings. *You expect her to respect the relationship.*

You find her disrespect for your feelings and this single behavior to be unacceptable in your marriage.

Otherwise you are still negotiating and that is why you are still arguing. Draw the line. Calmy but clearly and firmly.

See she is an adult and can choose to go. Controlling would be hiding her car keys. Don't do that. BUT do not enable this problem by not being clear and being afraid to take a stand. She will not respect you if you do not take a stand. That pushes her in the arms of some other strong male. If she goes anyway you know she is wanting out of the marriage. Save yourself the grief. You then have to be willing to follow up on your stance. Be prepared to do so.
I think you are now fighting for your marriage. Not trying to be overly dramatic here.

update: Yeah I think it is stronger to say that your expect her to respect the relationship. Vomrad is right.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> That is fine but the next statement is that this behavior is unacceptable to me in the marriage. Otherwise you are still negotiating and that is why you are still arguing. Draw the line. Calmy but clearly and firmly.


Actually, the words "respecting my feelings" is a real loser.

It's about respect for the relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is absolutely typical for a woman who married straight out of high school to reach a point where she says 'what did I miss out on?' It just is what it is. The real question is, how solid is your marriage? If you are not Love Busting her, and you are meeting all her Emotional Needs, when she goes out, she WON'T be trying to get hit on by guys and WILL just want to dance and be an adult on her own.

But if your marriage isn't solid, you have an issue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Actually, the words "respecting my feelings" is a real loser.
> 
> It's about respect for the relationship.


You are right. I rethought this and changed it. But you are right to focus on the relationship itself.

Good call. I agree.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> It is absolutely typical for a woman who married straight out of high school to reach a point where she says 'what did I miss out on?' It just is what it is. The real question is, how solid is your marriage? If you are not Love Busting her, and you are meeting all her Emotional Needs, when she goes out, she WON'T be trying to get hit on by guys and WILL just want to dance and be an adult on her own.
> 
> But if your marriage isn't solid, you have an issue.


She is trying awfully hard to define what she wants in a way that her hubby is excluded and it has to be in meat markets. I think in a solid relationship the wife will not do this period. I see it as a symptom of problems. Why do women need the meat markets?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

*Fir the third time.....

LET HER GO!!!!!*

You are creating a MONSTER!!!!

Some personal advice. If you do not let your wife experience what she WANTS to experience, she will find her own way of doing it, without you knowing it. If she doesn't do it al all, she will resent you, probably DUMP you, so she can then do it without your permission.

LET HER GO!!!

If she's gonna cheat, she's cheating no matter where she is.

I worked on Wall Street for many years, and I could've gotten laid more times in my office, than I would have at any club or bar.
I've spoken to some of the nicest women, while shopping for apples, than I would have at some smokey bar.

LET HER GO!!!

She will respect you. Tell her you gave it some thought, and you were just feeling insecure. Tell her that you want her to have a good time. 
When she comes home, just ask her if she had fun.... Nothing more.
I promise you, she'll be wondering why you're showing so little interest, and tell you everything anyway.

Trust me on this one.

YOU CANNOT STOP THEM, WHEN THEY'RE IN THIS MODE!!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Question for BrightEyes (Give me some latitude, Mommy 22. It relates to the OP):

You go to clubs and your intent and actions are 100% "legitimate". You really do go there just for the art of the dance. You are also lucky in that your husband trusts you100%. Thank you for that input. I'll mark you down as one of the few that have replied as such.

But I'm curious: Did you ever see my wife while you were out? She was the kinda' pretty early 30-something chatting up the boys with her hot early 30-something wingwoman. Just a little drinking, dancing, flirting, innocent little touches. Yeah, that's her. The one that just exchanged phone numbers with the guitar player. Or the OP to this thread's wife. You MUST have seen her. She's out with her little group of mini-skirt clad friends every Saturday night having a smashing, if SLIGHTLY inappropriate time partying until 3AM. Or how about the wife of that poster in another thread who's wife just did a shot between the legs of some strange man she just met (I still don't really get how that works).

No? None of them? Well surely you MUST have seen some of the wives of the 10's of thousands of husbands who are sitting home with the kids until the wee hours of any given Sunday morning while the wives have a little girl time. Some of THEM are acting a little inappropriate, maybe? Or did they just flash their wedding rings at the begining of the night and, by proclamation, make all of their actions legitimate since all the boys knew they were married.

So you DID see some of this going on? Why didn't you say that? You made it look like these places are a 7th grade Jr. High dance, with the boys leaning against the wall while the girls all just dance with each other. You weren't being disingenuous in your posts, were you? This OP is begging for someone to tell him that there is only a minor chance his wife is lying to him and acting a little more inappropriately than he would prefer, and you didn't help him. You COULD have, by telling him you never see these women. That you go to clubs and you never see this. That a minor % act this way and most are like you. But you didn't. Why?

Is it because maybe you are the exception, and you KNOW it, and this activity goes on all around you? Have you never heard of women, even the ones with pure intent like you, getting caught up in the moment in such an environment and making a "mistake". Am I and other posters like me just plain WRONG and this DOESN'T go on?

Please. You have a platform to share your views based on experience. Please, make all of us insecure, controlling husbands feel better about this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> She is trying awfully hard to define what she wants in a way that her hubby is excluded and it has to be in meat markets. I think in a solid relationship the wife will not do this period. I see it as a symptom of problems. Why do women need the meat markets?


 Because, just like men, women need admiration, and meat markets are the #1 place to get praised. Umpteen years after getting married, she likely gets little to none. If OP was doing a good job in that area, she wouldn't be needing it.

Not a dis at OP, but it's just human nature to get used to each other and stop feeding each other's egos.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrK, there will be BOTH kinds of women there, and we all know it. Your wife's actions didn't occur because the club was built. They were already inside her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> *Fir the third time.....
> 
> LET HER GO!!!!!*
> 
> ...


Pitiful. Really. I am sorry your wife is putting your through this. But it is little wonder with this approach. No boundaries huh?

The thing is that they will indeed go down the slippery slope if you enable them. You can deal with this up front. 

By making your stand sooner than later you have a chance to have the mnarriage you want. 

If you let them go you don't have it ever. You show them you are weak.

If you make the stand and they can go underground. Then you never really had them. 

You have to be willing to lose your wife to have a chance of keeping her.

The key is that she may be gone no matter what he does. His only chanve is to deal with it now like a man. He then avoids the BS and can ove on with his life and not be dragged down by her.

Wothout being mean, how is your relationship doing? Did you allow your wife to sow her seeds of wildness and now all is good? Frankly for me I would not want my wife back after that.

She is starting to change her lifestyle to something that will destroy their marriage. The life style change will enable bejavior that is toxic. If he can get her mind right now, she will not inevitabky cheat on him. That is a real loser attitude. If she has cheating in her miond right not I agree she is gone no matter what. However, this is about not enabling ther life style where she will be seduced further.

I guess let her go means divorce her now. He is not stopping his wife from going. He is standing his ground on what he finds acceptable in her behavior. Big difference.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Because, just like men, women need admiration, and meat markets are the #1 place to get praised. Umpteen years after getting married, she likely gets little to none. If OP was doing a good job in that area, she wouldn't be needing it.
> 
> Not a dis at OP, but it's just human nature to get used to each other and stop feeding each other's egos.


I totally agree. So the answer is not to enable this behavior but to intervene and start meeting her needs. No?

We are in agreement then that this type of GNO is a symptom of other issues.

Otherwise this need is going to be met by other men. That only drives her further away.

It is natrual in men and women that meeting that admiration need is responded to in a way to meet the man's needs. In the meat market the men are their to stroke their egos as well but more directly to hookup with women and married women looking for admiration there have huge targets on them. They are already prepped for the taking. We have this whole MILF / COUGAR thing that just helps to egg this on. All good harmless fun.

So this is just women looking to meet their needs by finding a more fit male.

Hanging around these places without your spouse is like circling around a black hole. You may have no intentions of falling in, but you flirt with the danger. The danger is part of the excitment. But if you get too close you get sucked into the life style. I am not saying it is 100%. But rolling the dice is not smart if you care about the relationship.

I speak from experince about being pulled into something and having the ability to wake up and back out on my own. Once you are falling without intervention from your partner you are pretty much doomed to be an idiot. It is natural for us guys to be attracted to that 25 year old hottie who is pretty dang inteligent as well. She's just a friend. It's kinda like. We are just dancing.

I do agree this is all natural behavior. But it is natural for men to seek out mutliple partners and for women to keep searching for the most fit male. So we deal with this as best we can but we do not have to accept either of these in our marriages.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why I said to address your marriage. You can demand she stay home all night long, but if you aren't giving her a reason to WANT to stay home, why bother?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Pitiful. Really. I am sorry your wife is putting your through this. But it is little wonder with this approach. No boundaries huh?
> 
> The thing is that they will indeed go down the slippery slope if you enable them. You can deal with this up front.
> 
> ...


You're missing the point, my friend....
It's not about being weak, or enabling her. It's not about boundaries either. 
He is NOT her father! 

As far as my situation. let me tell you something.... I've turned a HUGE corner. I will NOT attempt to hold my wife back from anything. If she wants to go clubbing, that'a her 100% choice. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean I have to be happy with it. It's a time to re-evaluate our marriage. She put her cards on the table, I put mine. If I don'[t like what she WANTS to do, NO ONE is forcing me to stay with her. That's my NEW attitude.

So.... if my wife decides that bars and clubs make her happier than being with her family, then I'll leave and do what makes ME happy.

Do you understand, now?

You CANNOT make a person do or not do anything.
When we first met..... If my wife was doing the things she's doing now, I wouldn't have married her.
So if she does those very things now, I won't stay married to her.
Yes, I've turned a corner.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> You CANNOT make a person do or not do anything.


This is what I've been saying all along to this girls night out issue. Short term you might succeed in getting them to stop but they will resent you for it later. THEY have to want to stop otherwise this is pointless. It's either come up with a compromise that's agreeable to both or it's a dealbreaker. Anything less will cause resentment on either side.


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## Mansoinlove (Jun 18, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> You're missing the point, my friend....
> It's not about being weak, or enabling her. It's not about boundaries either.
> He is NOT her father!
> 
> ...


I disagree with you Undertherader
It IS ABOUT THE BOUNDARY
Allowing her to go out clubbing herself with only friends is putting her into a dating zone. Most of women who go out clubbing with only girlfriends without their husbands develop EA and PA.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> You're missing the point, my friend....
> It's not about being weak, or enabling her. It's not about boundaries either.
> He is NOT her father!
> 
> ...


I don't see anyone telling him to stop her. I see people telling him to let her know this is unaccaptable behavior and for him not to accept it. So we may actually agree.
But the LET HER GO part sounds very weak like he should just suck it up. Of course he is not going to stop her. If she wants to do this he needs to let her go from his life.

I am suggesting that one not wait to turn the coner down the road. Turn it now.

But there has to be agreed upon boundaries. A woman who sees this as her hisbnad being her father is developmentally challenged. She is just being manipulative.

Now do you understand?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

FWIW...... I used to have a lot of female friends. I also used to be a good dancer in my day (hold the laughter, please).
These women were always in the clubs, and I used to "watch their back". If a guy got out of hand, I used to make sure he didn't cause any harm. I've maybe had to do something twice in the 10 years I spent clubbing.
I've seen (myself included) guys approach many women, and the women handled themselves accordingly. If the women were interested, the end result would be much different.

So it doesn't really matter where they are.

Just the other day, I was waiting for my wife in the car, while she went into a bagel store for something.
In a matter of minutes, some dude was scoping her up and down, and made it his business to strike conversation. She blew him off.
When she came back to the car, (knowing that I saw the whole thing), she told me that he told her that she lookes stunning today, and was wondering if her "date" showed up or not.
Soooo.... If I wasn't there, and my wife was "looking", she would have had a chance to hook up with some guy, just by standing in line at the bagel store.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Mansoinlove said:


> I disagree with you Undertherader
> It IS ABOUT THE BOUNDARY
> *Allowing her to go out clubbing herself with only friends is putting her into a dating zone. Most of women who go out clubbing with only girlfriends without their husbands develop EA and PA.*


Not true.

A woman likes confidence in her man. I went through my "insecure period", and now I see why. I was never insecure. I had no reason to be. 
Looking back, the smartest thing you could do, is let her call her own shots. When I worked on Wall street, we had lots of married women on the floor. The made their OWN BOUNDARIES. They knew they had respect for their man, and wouldn't cross them... whether they were at a bar, a club or bagel store.


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## Mansoinlove (Jun 18, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Not true.
> 
> A woman likes confidence in her man. I went through my "insecure period", and now I see why. I was never insecure. I had no reason to be.
> Looking back, the smartest thing you could do, is let her call her own shots. When I worked on Wall street, we had lots of married women on the floor. The made their OWN BOUNDARIES. They knew they had respect for their man, and wouldn't cross them... whether they were at a bar, a club or bagel store.


Women love confident MEN who are confident enough to make sure that they are respected, not afraid to express what is bothering them and stand on their ground. Men who women can not walk all over them

They hate men who are weak and accept everything what women wants, men who can not stand on their ground or agree on something just to make peace but actually they are not happy with.

I will also want to add to OP that after standing on HIS ground and not let his wife go out clubbing with her girlfriends ALONE to start working on himself and his wife to find out what is missing in his relationship as it seems that there is something missing and she wants to find it somewhere else!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> FWIW...... I used to have a lot of female friends. I also used to be a good dancer in my day (hold the laughter, please).
> These women were always in the clubs, and I used to "watch their back". If a guy got out of hand, I used to make sure he didn't cause any harm. I've maybe had to do something twice in the 10 years I spent clubbing.
> I've seen (myself included) guys approach many women, and the women handled themselves accordingly. If the women were interested, the end result would be much different.
> 
> ...


Going to a club is not the same as going to get bagels. LOL.

We are talking about a completely different thing. She is not going to get gamed getting bagels. She is not intoxicated. She is not dressed and ready to go at the bagel store. It is not the same at all. One can drown in the bath tub. Please put the crack pipe down.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Not true.
> 
> A woman likes confidence in her man. I went through my "insecure period", and now I see why. I was never insecure. I had no reason to be.
> Looking back, the smartest thing you could do, is let her call her own shots. When I worked on Wall street, we had lots of married women on the floor. The made their OWN BOUNDARIES. They knew they had respect for their man, and wouldn't cross them... whether they were at a bar, a club or bagel store.


A confident man is secure in his boundaries and is not manipulated by this stuff. A weak man has no boundaries.

Boundaries in marriage are agreed upon. Not left for one spouse or the other to decide on the fly.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Mybe the women here in NY are different, but these women do NOT like their men telling them they CANNOT go clubbing. They may not like it, but you can't control a person.
NOW.... if the woman feels a need to go clubbing for the WRONG reasons, then stopping her is wasting your time too. Chances are, your missing something in your marriage anyway.
OTOH... if you have a decent relationship with your wife, you have nothing to worry about.

..... Let me explain something...... Many years ago, I was a young, good looking stock broker, making sh*t loads of money. I drove a $125,000 car, wore a Rolex as an everyday watch, and could have had a new woman every day. Instead I chose to be loyal to one woman, and that woman was loyal to me. There wasn't a woman on the planet, that could have pulled me away. I expect the same from a happy spouse.
I had money, I had confidence, I felt SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, that it didn't phase me one bit, that my woman could stray. I didn't care where she went. She shopped in expensive boutiques, wore the nicest, and sexiest clothes, and had plenty of afternoon ****tails at some of the hottest spots in lower Manhattan.
I had confidence. I was ****y, and arrogant, and I was strong. The woman in my life knew that if she strayed, it was because SHE wanted to stray. I didn't give her a reason to do it. 

If your wife strays, it's because something is missing in YOUR relationship. 
I still vote for her to test her heart. 

I was blindsided, and forgot the man I used to be. If my wife did the things to me back then, that she did today, there would be no explaining.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> if you have a decent relationship with your wife, you have nothing to worry about.


H and I had a good relationship...or so I thought...didn't stop him from cheating.


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## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

Wow lots of opinions on this! Well we have talked and talked about this. What we have come up with is that if she wants to go to these places I will join her. We set up some boundaries and have decided that we need to respect our marriage buy talking things out and dealing with issues as they come up, instead of keeping things bottled up.


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## tg123456 (Jun 25, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Out of respect for the OP, I won't post in this thread anymore. He's looking for answers in his marriage, not to witness a pissing match between us.
> 
> Thanks



lol. Alot of the stuff you were saying made sense to me the reson I came here was to get some different opinions. Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> H and I had a good relationship...or so I thought...didn't stop him from cheating.


YOU did have a good relationship.

If I recall, HE said HE had issues with it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> *Mybe the women here in NY are different, but these women do NOT like their men telling them they CANNOT go clubbing. *They may not like it, but you can't control a person.
> NOW.... if the woman feels a need to go clubbing for the WRONG reasons, then stopping her is wasting your time too. Chances are, your missing something in your marriage anyway.
> OTOH... if you have a decent relationship with your wife, you have nothing to worry about.
> 
> ...


I am originally from the notheast. So I have some experience here. Without being mean I would say that women like that I do not respect. Period. Women like thaty tend to emasulate their men. Just my opinion. So yeah. Let those women go and find some that are not total biatches. I actually understand your environment now. Start drinking heavily is all I can say.

I don't have these issues with my wife.

Idunno I get told I am a c0cky [email protected] all the time and have made good money as well in my life. So I get your point.

I am just saying a man should not take [email protected] from anyone. Not other men. Not other women and above all not his wife who is supposed to love him. The one he has an investment in.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Here's a nice thread of reference.:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...ned-past-year-good-news-story.html#post356548


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> H and I had a good relationship...or so I thought...didn't stop him from cheating.


It takes a good relationship AND both partners working together to prevent bad things from happneing.

In my case I was in an EA with a 25 year old. My wife called me on it. In time. She was right. I was clueless and in the fog. She could have LET ME GO. I am so glad she did not. It was not my intention to cheat. What was going on just felt ok. The dopamine was working overtime. So this can happen to women at GNOs. It feels good. My wife and I look out for each other. That is not controlling. We love each other. We know we are human. If you love your SO you will fight for the relationship. Yes there is a point where it is not worth saving. So I say when things start going wrong. Fix it now. Not later.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tg123456 said:


> Wow lots of opinions on this! Well we have talked and talked about this. What we have come up with is that if she wants to go to these places I will join her. We set up some boundaries and have decided that we need to respect our marriage buy talking things out and dealing with issues as they come up, instead of keeping things bottled up.


You just defined a solid plan. Two partners willing to work together because they love each other and want to stay married to one another.

F'ing Awesome dude. Way to step up!!!

If she is genuinely good with this, you have raised her respect for you hugely. She is likely to show you great appreciation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tg123456 said:


> Wow lots of opinions on this! Well we have talked and talked about this. What we have come up with is that if she wants to go to these places I will join her. We set up some boundaries and have decided that we need to respect our marriage buy talking things out and dealing with issues as they come up, instead of keeping things bottled up.


Great job!

You have a committed partner.

She wanted your leadership.

Congrats.


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