# My wife's words do not match her actions



## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

My wife claims to love and adore me but her actions don't match her words. I just don't seem to matter to her much anymore. She snaps at me often for no good reason, she doesn't take time to write sweet emails or texts to me like she used to. She does "offer" sex, but it is seemingly just for her. Our sex is very pleasing to her. She never really does much to please me though. She used to thirst for me sexually, now she "gets hers" and doesnt really seemed concerned about my need to feel wanted that way. She just gets pissed if I mention anything about it, saying "awe hell, unless im suckin your **** 24 hours a day, your not happy!" but, that is not the way I feel at all. She does get pretty angry easily and says ugly things, she says I need to ignore it and she doesnt mean it. 
I would try to talk to her delicately about these things, but she just gets annoyed and angry, which makes me feel even less important to her. I guess I do use the sexual desires thing as a meter to whether or not she cares about me, but even if I mention other things, she still reverts back to the statement above about oral sex. Thats confusing, because I really never intended to make her feel that way about it. I try to keep her needs first. 

I shower her with love and affection, cards, helping, noticing and doing the little things, I truly do these things out of love for her, Im not after a reward, etc. she says "you spoil me, you are such a good man" ... yeah, she can think Im a wonderful man but not give damn about me, at least thats the way I feel now. 

Why am I posting this? well, I could type 10,000 words on every detail of our circumstances and analyze them all. But I guess I need sum it up; I assume this is a common pattern? what can be the causes? on her part and mine? She is the type to worry about everything, money, her weight, etc. I truly just want to be everything she needs in life. But I know she isnt if she doesnt desire me. make sense? I want her to desire me, not for me, but for me to know that means she is truly happy. The pleasure I get is just a wonderful side effect. When I say "desire", I dont mean just sexually, I mean the gleem in her eye, the sweet gestures, etc. I fear that this outlook on things has maybe had the opposite effect I was after.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

she sounds like a bit of a control freak. these type of ppl, because of their own insecurities, put others down. the jibing , the nastiness.
in this line of her fire, its u.
by putting you down , gives her a release of her frustrations. but thats also unfair on you. you dont have to deal with her demons.
ok you tell her you support her. but the rest she has to do for herself.
it sounds like she has low self esteem - again , grinding you down , makes her feel good.
her worries are her insecurities.
you both need to do the communication thing and deal with this to actively try sort the issues out.
you can resolve issues with time and patience, but you muct both b willing to try.
it certainly is not all you.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

You hit the nail squarely on the head with everything you said. And the solution, communication, is where I am so frustrated. I MUST communicate, but now, it is just anoying to her. She views it as "oh, we have to re-hash this? Why can't you just be happy!" I guess, whether she realizes it or not, she wants me to to just shut up and be happy, no matter how she acts. I must tolerate everything about her and not dare have a problem with anything. I have been trying to be much more selective about what I talk about. 



justean said:


> she sounds like a bit of a control freak. these type of ppl, because of their own insecurities, put others down. the jibing , the nastiness.
> in this line of her fire, its u.
> by putting you down , gives her a release of her frustrations. but thats also unfair on you. you dont have to deal with her demons.
> ok you tell her you support her. but the rest she has to do for herself.
> ...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

she is making you scared of her, again for her own insecurites. its her weakness . but her actions against you , actually make her strong, because she had no one else she has that control over.
im afraid your going to have to toughen up.
you wil only get more and more pushed down in the gutter and could even if it already hasnt, leave you quite depressed. 
she is cloning you, into what she wants you to be for her.
but you are you.
you need to tell her "your no longer putting up with her attitude towards you. in order for you both to move forward, you are willing to compromise. but the situation your both in has to change.
you both need to listen to eachother.
a suggestion, not in front of n e one.
do this with just you and her present.
she will soon know you mean business.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Wow, this is confirming everything for me. Yes, I have been scared of her, that hasn't been working for me, it's makes me feel like Im not a man. Yes, depression has been present, she views that as "oh, you are not happy, what the hell have I dont to you now" (Burden factor).

So I HAVE decided to "toughen up". it's amazing you said that and I had made that decision. It is in it's very early stages, but I am trying. 

Another thing I had decided to do is be less defensive. I think when she spouts off something completely rediculous about me that isnt true. I would defend, it made her feel like that the way she feels doesnt matter. Which it does, I just figured if I convinced her of the truth, she wouldnt be upset. That wasnt working out. So I have stopped. I just try to let her know that I didnt mean to make her feel that way and ignore the insults. Some might say, how is that getting tough? Well, ignoring the insults is the "getting tough" part. it's not about getting tough AGAINST her, it's about getting tough to be what she needs. (maybe a little of both actually). Does this sound like I am taking the correct action?




justean said:


> she is making you scared of her, again for her own insecurites. its her weakness . but her actions against you , actually make her strong, because she had no one else she has that control over.
> im afraid your going to have to toughen up.
> you wil only get more and more pushed down in the gutter and could even if it already hasnt, leave you quite depressed.
> she is cloning you, into what she wants you to be for her.
> ...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

dont worry about what other ppl think. they are not in your marriage , you and your wife are.
like i said you need to sit her down and show your not scared of her.
this wil also be hard, because she can easily intimidate you.
when you feel she is , you tell her to stop. you have had enough.
tell her about her insecurities, that your there for her.
you might even get her to break a tear, because she wil know your right.
you need her to break, basically.
increase your attitude. your a man not a mouse.
again like i said, you need to get her on her own.
tell her you love her , but you are no longer willing to put up with her demons. 
you have to reverse the situation. so whatever you have been doing, do the opposite.
you do have to get tough against her, she is a strong minded woman. your asking her to come down to an acceptable level of understanding between the both of u.
tell her no more tantrums, whatever her issues, you need to know and you wil work together.
tell her she is pushing you away.
ask her what she wants.
look at my actions first. try it.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I will do what you suggest, the being tough, standing up part for a while before I tell her the other stuff. because her frame of mind right now would make her run. She threatens to leave all the time. 
If I told her that I am done putting up with it and she is pushing me away, She would get pissed and tell me to go find a normal woman if she isnt good enough. She would take the no more tantrums ultimatum as me not letting her be who she is. She always turns things around on me. But maybe she will come around if I change the way I handle things. I will conintue to work on that first. 

All you input is very much appreciated. I look forward to more.



justean said:


> dont worry about what other ppl think. they are not in your marriage , you and your wife are.
> like i said you need to sit her down and show your not scared of her.
> this wil also be hard, because she can easily intimidate you.
> when you feel she is , you tell her to stop. you have had enough.
> ...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

threatening as much as she has, are idle threats. she wont go.
she is to insecure to leave you. 
but you know her, so just focus on what you think you must do.
if you want i look at ppls charts. it might help you deal more with both of your needs.
if you can tell me your birthsigns, i can have alook for you.
i wont be able to do it now. its 22.30 so im of to bed.
send it to my private mail if you want. and when i am sorted with a summary i wil forward it on. if you dont want that is totally fine by me.
but ive bin right about you all the way. and you know it.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

ppls charts?



justean said:


> threatening as much as she has, are idle threats. she wont go.
> she is to insecure to leave you.
> but you know her, so just focus on what you think you must do.
> if you want i look at ppls charts. it might help you deal more with both of your needs.
> ...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How long have you been married? Do you have children? Does she have a high-stress job? Since her behavior has changed since you met, it sounds as though being a worrier the stress of life in general is getting to her and she's taking it out on you. Have you tried just talking to her about things that worry her and talking through ways to support her? Are there things you can talk to her about where you both agree what needs to happen and you could take off her plate? Just a thought...she may not be responding to romantic gestures because what she's missing may be support and/or appreciation for what she is doing. I may be way off, but just something else to think about.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i wil look at your birthsigns. i look at mine and its funny how its fits me.
i enjoy this stuff. but knowing who i am and who my husband is/
ok im a sagittarian and hubby is a pisces has helped us look at eachother in different views.

but when im in a bit of a moment and dont know how to deal with him again.
i look at his chart/ summary.
ok its not 100%.
its not meant to be taken literally. but its another view to look at.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Cone. You and your wife's problems sound very similiar to me and my husbands. However a lot of the reasons why sometimes I act like the way you say your wife acts is because I have a lot of resentment built up for my husband. Childish I know but sometimes my reactions come out cold and hurtful. 

Is there anything that you could have done that could have caused your wife to become resentful? Just curious. It does sound like she is very insecure and maybe that bothers her because you are probably a very confident person. Maybe she has some jealousy issues with that. 

Does she suffer from anxiety or depression? And I must say that I think you are handling this well, you seem to be very supportive and have a very caring attitude towards her. Hope everything works out well for ya.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cone you have figured out what most people take a long time to get: Changing yourself first can affect the dynamic of a relationship so much that it is sometimes not even necessary to do anything else.

In your original post you stated that she gives you sex, but it's just for her. I can't quite imagine how this might work, can you elaborate.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cone you have figured out what most people take a long time to get: Changing yourself first can affect the dynamic of a relationship so much that it is sometimes not even necessary to do anything else.

In your original post you stated that she gives you sex, but it's just for her. I can't quite imagine how this might work, can you elaborate?


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

*Swedish*,
A little over one year. she has 4 kids, which I accept 100% as my own. I have two that don't visit much. She does not work, but has stress from other areas, her ex getting kids to hurt her, etc. I try and take as much off of her as possible. But I think she still has felt under-appreciated. I have been trying to focus more on making sure she knows. She gets the burden factor also, like me working to support the household may sometimes make her feel like she isnt doing enough, but I think she does more than enough keeping our home in order, she does a wonderful job. 

I also want to add that she is very thin and beautiful, but she thinks her tummy is too big and she thinks she is fat. Now, I LOVE!!!! the way she looks all over and make sure she knows this. But it doesnt seem to help, she still has a negative view of her physical appearance. I should also add that her last marriage was with a non-caring, controlling and abusive man. 

*Justean*,
I can provide birthsigns, what the heck!?


*Babyblues7*,
Well, although I have tried, I'm sure there are some reasons she could be resenting me. Me not handling things well, fighting back when I should be supportive, etc. Actually, I have not been as confident as I should, I think that bothers her to. I am working on it all, but I think some damage has been done. She says she doesnt resent me, but it sure seems like she does. Sometimes, she seesm to really want to be around me, but others, it seems like I am simply an annoyance. Does this resentment go away? is the damage permanent? How deeply does it effect a woman's view of her husband? does intimacy turn into an obligatory act? Does it make them close up and want more privacy? I want to turn all this around, I want her to be happy, she certainly deserves it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Uh Oh, my last post went double! Sorry.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

At the risk of sounding boastful, which is not my intention, when we have sex, it is VERY pleasurable for her. Which means, if she was inclined not to want to have sex with me, maybe she would because it does physically feel very good for her. So, I am saying if she does it, it seems to me that she really is just doing it for her, not me. Like my needs do not matter. it seems to always be on her terms, her way, etc.
So when I say "she gives me sex".. she may do it wanting me to think she is doing it for me but in reality it's not that much of a sacrifice since she gets alot of physical satisfaction as well. I hope I am making sense. 



MarkTwain said:


> Cone you have figured out what most people take a long time to get: Changing yourself first can affect the dynamic of a relationship so much that it is sometimes not even necessary to do anything else.
> 
> In your original post you stated that she gives you sex, but it's just for her. I can't quite imagine how this might work, can you elaborate?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Do you mean she tells you exactly how she wants it, and you can't even chose say, what position. Or do you mean she just rolls over and goes to sleep, before you even come? Like we blokes have been accused of?


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

*Babyblues7*,
Well, although I have tried, I'm sure there are some reasons she could be resenting me. Me not handling things well, fighting back when I should be supportive, etc. Actually, I have not been as confident as I should, I think that bothers her to. I am working on it all, but I think some damage has been done. She says she doesnt resent me, but it sure seems like she does. Sometimes, she seesm to really want to be around me, but others, it seems like I am simply an annoyance. Does this resentment go away? is the damage permanent? How deeply does it effect a woman's view of her husband? does intimacy turn into an obligatory act? Does it make them close up and want more privacy? I want to turn all this around, I want her to be happy, she certainly deserves it.[/QUOTE]

Well in my situation the resentment went away when the problem did. She needs to address whatever problem, if there is a problem that is causing her to feel that way, with you to help resolve it.

I do not think it is permanent no. It seems like you are really trying to help and she has to see that. I wish there were more men like you that had the patience with their wives like you seem to have. Intimacy turning into an obligatory act...maybe... maybe she is bored with it. I know that has happened to me before. I kind of felt obligated. But I am sure that is not typical. Hope things go well for ya....you seem to be getting some good advice.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just give you and your wifes sign then.
it wil be a few pages. but it might be a good read.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

Is she menopausing ? The reason is it can make things a Roller-coaster. I say -"Man-Up" like you said , and just love her. Let it be no pressure. Then see what happens. Make her your experiment.I know this is soft coming from me:thumbup:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*Triton - *
I was thinking just the same, he should see this as an experiment. IF she is using him for sex, it's hardly a penance for the average man is it? I know women hate being in that situation, but for a man it's a challenge we can, ahem rise to.


*cone -*
Your tactic of working on yourself first is wey cool. If you can bear it, for now I would change NOTHING. Be the observer. Like Spock with his raised eyebrows. "Fascinating captain".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have to agree with babyblues. It does seem as though there is something bothering her, whether specific or depression in general and once that is resolved the rest should fall into place.

Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'...when they are feeling alone/distant it's more along the lines of getting your feet rubbed...yeah, that would feel good right now so I wouldn't mind doing it since you brought it up, but it's not preceded by sexual urges throughout the day, etc.

The 5 Love Languages...(common suggestion on here) is a good read to see what makes her feel loved/appreciated. Being home all day with 4 kids can be draining especially when the ex has them in the 'it's ok to disrespect mom' mode (been there done that...well actually still doing that) It might be a good idea, if you can swing it, to start going on dates (if you don't already) and spending time with just the two of you. I would definitely say you make the plans and do things where you can sit/talk/relax away from everything. It could lead to a good environment for her to start opening up about how she's been feeling.

When I think back a year or so a good question my husband could have asked me was 'how is your life now married w/kids different than what you imagined it to be?' I think that's what I figured out I needed to ask myself and then start making some changes.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

actually mr twain - you might av started something new for me. it sounds really cool thinking hubby is using me for sex. 
i wil try that one. thanks


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Swedish -

You make good points. But are we grasping the subtlety of the situation here, re sex? That is why I keep asking for more info. I'm like goat chewing on a garment hanging on a clothesline. I won't let go until I get to the bottom of this mystery.

Well Justean, be careful what you wish for...


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I am familiar with the love languages, we thought hers were the same as mine (touch and words) but over the last year, I think hers may be quality time and acts of service. Which means I have been trying to switch gears and get more things done around the house(not one of my strong points!). I already spend time with her as much as possible, that is natural for me since I love being around her so much. It goes back to her maybe feeling under-appreciated. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is but maybe she needs to hear how much I appreciate how clean the house is. I have already started that process, but only very recently. 

You struck a nerve with me when you said; _"Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'..."_ I have always said, that if a woman doesn't want sex, the man must be doing something wrong where emotional fulfillment is concerned. I have been trying, just not the correct things, or maybe I undermine myself by handling her the wrong way in other areas. Somehow, someway, I have made her feel emotional disconnection and I am desparetely trying to figure out how and why and what I can do to fix it. Becuase I wasn't aware that it was happening. As attentive and wise as I try to be, it can still get past you if you aren't as alert as you can be. Me letting all this effect me so negatively has made my senses dull, I need to sharpen them up again (I guess that's what Im doing on this forum!).

In the mean time, as the guys have said, her using me for sex is better than none at all! 



swedish said:


> I have to agree with babyblues. It does seem as though there is something bothering her, whether specific or depression in general and once that is resolved the rest should fall into place.
> 
> Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse to want sex...the 'i'm going to jump your bones when you walk in the door kind'...when they are feeling alone/distant it's more along the lines of getting your feet rubbed...yeah, that would feel good right now so I wouldn't mind doing it since you brought it up, but it's not preceded by sexual urges throughout the day, etc.
> 
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone said:


> Me letting all this effect me so negatively has made my senses dull, I need to sharpen them up again (I guess that's what Im doing on this forum!).


Man, the way you write is so cool.



cone said:


> In the mean time, as the guys have said, her using me for sex is better than none at all!


If you keep your sense of humour, this can be a fun game. Again, just changing your perception will make the same experience feel different.

Wow, your life is going to get interesting.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MTwain, I guess I'm not getting it...If she were initiating then using him for sex would sound plausible but if she doesn't, then I would think her sex drive is low at the moment but when he initiates she figures what the heck, I know that will feel good so I'll just do it, but she's not sexually connected where she's 'jumpin the cone'...sorry cone, now I feel like we're talking behind your back


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish -

We just need more clarification on this subject. Any number of things could be going on here. All I can say is that so far this aspect of the story fits no known pattern! (in my memory banks). So rather than jump to conclusions, I want to find out more about the SEX


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

What more do you want to know?



MarkTwain said:


> swedish -
> We just need more clarification on this subject. Any number of things could be going on here. All I can say is that so far this aspect of the story fits no known pattern! (in my memory banks). So rather than jump to conclusions, I want to find out more about the SEX


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone said:


> What more do you want to know?


See my post #18, but also things like, who initiates, and how often per week etc. Remember, we do not know either of you. It's easy to read something and think "I've got it", because it seems similar to something in our own lives. But every case has it's subtle nuances...

In all of this, I still feel that as Triton said, you need to see her as an experiment. Just observe what she is doing as if you were watching a TV documentary about someone else's marriage. There is no point trying to change anything until you know exactly what is happening. 

You may find, if you had just one more piece of the puzzle it would all make sense.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

When I initiate, it is a gamble. Sometimes she is open to it, alot of times I can tell she is trying oblige but kinda doesnt mind becuase she knows I will make feel good. And other times, she seems annoyed about it, but she will do it. When I make love with her, she has mind-blowing, deep intense orgasms over and over, sometimes running all together, I am very attentive in that area, so why wouldnt she oblige? I just want to her feel that way about me, hungry for me like I am hungry for her.

As for positions, I can tell if I accidently suggest or do a certain thing other that what she had in mind, she doesn't say anything but I can tell there is something is wrong. 

She used to be very eager to please me, insisting on "taking care of me" first, etc. It seemed it was her goal only to please me. Which wasn't nesseary for me, but nice. I know I feel that way about her, I want to please her. But when it seems that is ALL it is about, it hurts. 

Now, to sum it up, she seems to just get hers and let it somehow mean to me that she is doing me a favor by "letting me". If i have manly needs? oral or something, she seems to get aggravated. But sometimes she will actually do it, but seemingly out of obligation. Never getting "hungry" for me like she used to.

I dont mean to sound selfish about all this, Im not. Im just trying analyze what it all means. Even though Im not needy or selfish about her wanting to please me, I know her being eager to please me meant, she must be happy. Now she isnt eager, so maybe she isnt happy. 

I guess it is all about the emotional connection, I want to provide that again. It's not about the sex, its about making her happy, feeling safe and emotionally connected.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cone-

I asked my wife to look at this thread, because I am struggling here. She said she is holding back because she feels she will be at a disadvantage, and afraid of being dominated/overwhelmed. The reason? Your wife's ex was abusive and now still exerts control over her through the kids. She feels trapped by circumstances of Ex, Kids, and even you.

So assuming my wife is correct, the simple answer is that it is not your fault. However, you are being too nice and trying too hard. She is taking you for granted because you are not giving her a chance to develop a hunger. If you suddenly moved out, do you think she would not notice a hole in her life?

My wife also hinted that maybe having kids had put her career plans on hold. You paying for everything just reminds her that she can't.

As I mentioned on another thread there is a theory called "advance/retreat" which basically means that if you chase someone a lot they like it, but if you keep chasing to long they retreat. So you have to know when to back off and let them feel that emptiness.

I would cut down on the texts, the cards, and all the compliments, just to see the affect. Probably she will start to wonder what happened, and she may try to find nice ways to get you to illicit the compliments again. If on the other hand she nags you (as in you never send me cards any more), then be firm. Do not reward nagging with goodies. Only reward warmth with warmth.

Having said that, there are times when a woman with kids gets to her wits end, and even though they scream, kick and shout, you just have to hug them, but this should be the exception, not the rule.

I hate having to play these sorts of games with people, I am naturally loving all the time, but occasionally it's the only thing that works.

Also if she is slim but says she is fat that might be a sign of body-dysmorphia, but who needs labels. She may only be borderline, not full blown.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I think your wife is correct. I think she does feel that way, her feeling like she is truly free from her ex will take time, I know that. But as for the career thing, I guess I must also be patient with that and let her realize that she is safe in that area also. I consider "my" money "our" money, she thinks it is still just "mine" and feels guilty about not working. 

Things are already improving, but I know better than to bask in the glory of seemingly early success. I must wait and make sure things continue to improve.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Tell us about the improvements...


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

You just want to hear the sex details I bet, LOL

You remind me of the red-headed lady on the Bob Newhart show years ago that ran the counceling group. Before anything else, she would ALWAYS ask "Are you having any SEXual problems?? hmmmm?" 

Yes, there have been improvements in that area, she initiated the last three nights, the first being ALL for me, if ya know what I mean. But it's not just that, I don't want to use that as the only indicator. She always says sweet things and touches a little more during the day. But I know we aren't "there" I think right now she is more happy about me making it possible for her to spend more time with her kids, like she is much more happy about being a mother than a wife. I'm not jealous of that at all, but I do want her to feel more about being a wife than she does. 



MarkTwain said:


> Tell us about the improvements...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone said:


> You just want to hear the sex details I bet, LOL
> 
> You remind me of the red-headed lady on the Bob Newhart show years ago that ran the counceling group. Before anything else, she would ALWAYS ask "Are you having any SEXual problems?? hmmmm?"


OK, you got my number, but it does boil down to that a lot - and it's a very good barometer of everything else.



cone said:


> Yes, there have been improvements in that area, she initiated the last three nights, the first being ALL for me, if ya know what I mean. But it's not just that, I don't want to use that as the only indicator. She always says sweet things and touches a little more during the day.


Dude, that's wonderful! For the benefit of everybody else, and also for my sheer nosiness, could you SPELL out, what you did to bring this about?


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

When she gets ill and spouts off insulting comments, I simply choose to ignore them telling myself they are not intended for me. I have discovered she needs this. Like if someone was sick and throwing up would you say "why do you throw up on me? you dont love me?" no, I need to hold her as if to say "it will be ok shortly, your just sick right now." 
Her pent up anger being the "sick" and the "throw up" being the insulting words she throws out. 
Now I know better than to actually say "oh, your just sick right now, it will be ok" ... but ignoring it and letting her work through it has made her her feel safe to work through it instead of the burden factor kicking in on top of it when I would get defensive. 

I have also tried to totally not think about sex or trying to analyze what she does or doesnt do and what that means in terms of whether or not she loves me, etc. That just gets in the way of me being strong for her. 

I have been much more attentive about acknowledging her assets, commenting on how much I appreciate all she does from day to day. 

Basically I focus on anything and everything that makes her feel more safe and secure, safe to be "her" even if "her" is not all that together right now. I knew this all along, I just wasn't implementing it properly.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone-
Way to go dude. 

Now let me introduce you to Dr. Tracy... reading this article changed my life:
"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> cone-
> Way to go dude.
> 
> Now let me introduce you to Dr. Tracy... reading this article changed my life:
> "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

This is very confusing, a fews days of everything being alot better, then she acts like I mean nothing to her. Yet, I am still doing the things I think I need to do. 

She will sit down and email back and forth with folks but never talk to me, if I send her a card or email, it is almost ignored. she only acts like it is important to her. And it seems she is more worried about privacy. She used to be open , sharing everything, now its not like that. I discovered she spotted an old boyfriend at a function her and I attended, yet, she never mentioned it to me. This is so unlike here. hurts my heart very deeply.

I had someone tell me that they treated their husband bad in the early years of their marriage and she had suffered similar things in a previous relationship(like my wife did) that caused her to be mean. Some here have said I should back off of the affection with my wife, this other person tells me I should not. That my wife has decided in her mind that I am leaving anyway so why not just run me off and get it over with so the affection helps prove to her I am not going anywhere. More confusion about what to do. 

She claims I mean the world to her etc etc yet she gets very frustrated if I even hint that I think something may be wrong, makes it sound like I am saying that "all she does" is not good enough. She doesn't play fair at all.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Buy the book "Mating in captivity", read it, and at the same time leave it lying around, but DO NOT ask her to read it. I also think you need to decide exactly what you want out of life, so that at least one of you knows...


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I know what I want, thought I was getting it. 

I thought I was finished having to "wonder" ... now I "wonder" more than ever.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was at a point a few years ago where being married for the second time (3 kids from the first marriage) I wasn't feeling good about myself, my looks, etc. and thought my husband would eventually bail. I ended up disconnecting more and more over time because I was afraid if I stayed connected and vulnerable I wouldn't be able to handle him leaving. Anytime he hinted at problems (kids/sex/etc.) it pushed me further away. Last year, he came very close to having an affair (not at all suggesting that!!) and (self-fulfilled prophecy) I was devastated. It took counseling for me to realize I had to work on myself and be happy with myself and let my guard down with my husband. He just keeps saying 'You are amazing...I cannot believe I am married to you'...so I had to do the work up front, but he feeds it every day 

It sounds like you are doing the work, but she's not ready to receive what you are giving & looking for validation online, etc. I think it's more to do with how she is feeling about herself right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cone- I was hinting at defining yourself more starkly. And being firmer about getting what you want. Women like confidence. p-ussey footing around them does no good in the end.

When I think my wife is unreasonable, I tell her. I don't fear the consequences any more. I will not let my own fears as to what might happen if I upset her, push me into a box. Now that I am a bigger person, she reaps the benefit.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

swedish said:


> I was at a point a few years ago where being married for the second time (3 kids from the first marriage) I wasn't feeling good about myself, my looks, etc. and thought my husband would eventually bail. I ended up disconnecting more and more over time because I was afraid if I stayed connected and vulnerable I wouldn't be able to handle him leaving. Anytime he hinted at problems (kids/sex/etc.) it pushed me further away.


Did it manifest itself as rude and intolerant behavior towards him? Did you want to be private and get annoyed at his presence?

She probably would never go to counceling. I wonder how it will ever get better.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Cone- I was hinting at defining yourself more starkly. And being firmer about getting what you want. Women like confidence. p-ussey footing around them does no good in the end.
> 
> When I think my wife is unreasonable, I tell her. I don't fear the consequences any more. I will not let my own fears as to what might happen if I upset her, push me into a box. Now that I am a bigger person, she reaps the benefit.


I am slowly but surely making headway. The "consequences" sure can be miserable at times!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

No, it didn't manifest in that way, but probably more due to my personality. I just got more quiet & distant.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

It's been a few weeks, I've been doing very well in not being too sensitive, when my wife becomes un-reasonably angry. I dont let it get to me, I just keep going when I know it's just an un-reasonable rant. When she persists, I let her know that I know what she is doing and I will not respond negatively. I think it has made her feel more safe and secure in who she is. 

The other day she went off about NOTHING, I just grabbed her up in my arms, plopped her back down next to me on the couch where we usually watch TV and told her she was being silly and that I love her. It was over just like that. That was the only time in three weeks she has really gone off like that. Those blow-ups are diminishing. 

I feel her coming back to me. This adjustment in myself is not a sacrifice for me, the payoff is good. I want to be what she needs anyway. I didnt like the way I was. All is getting better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone said:


> The other day she went off about NOTHING, I just grabbed her up in my arms, plopped her back down next to me on the couch where we usually watch TV and told her she was being silly and that I love her. It was over just like that. That was the only time in three weeks she has really gone off like that. Those blow-ups are diminishing.


Yes, that is the correct technique. I learned this from a guy I can't stand. He said the male role is to bounce the female out of her bad moods with cheerfulness and flirting.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I have a buddy who is long divorced. He did everything for his ex, gave her time away from their 3 kids, pampered her, tried to make things better when she whined about having to grow up so fast with kids etc. He did everything for her, she even physically abused him when she got mad because he was such a wuss. She met another dude, left him, won full custody and now she is a predator looking for any reason to not let him see the kids. Having her attorney look for any possible hidden income even though she is already raking it in off him and the kids still wear shabby clothing. I remember telling him years ago, "dude you gotta push back" when you tolerate this stuff from a spouse you are as BF Skinner said: "reinforcing that behavior"


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## bb123 (Sep 13, 2008)

I feel your pain Cone! I listen to my wife talk to everybody else and then there's the way that she talks to me. I have told her that she doesn't talk to me like she loves me (or even likes me), but she blows it off with a comment like "I'm busy and I don't have time to stroke your ego!". Last night my stepson dropped her off at the bar with her BFF and he went to celebrate a football victory with her BFF's son. The plan was for him to pick my wife and her friend up at the bar, drop Star and Zac at Star's house and then come home (he's 16 and obviously wouldn't have a problem driving). It's 7:00 AM the next day, they're not home, and I never got a phone call. I called the local hospital and the police. There was not an accident and they were not admitted. This is just an example of her simply not thinking about me. A phone call would have avoided my worrying for the last 2 hours (woke up at 5 and haven't been able to stop worrying since). Why does it have to be soooo difficult?


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I've gotten that response also about the ego in different forms. If I try express a concern, she comes back with something like that. it is very hurtful especially when it was understood before the marriage that ALL communication and concerns were welcome, now it seems, they are not. 

All I can say is, try and figure out what she needs, and give it to her. By this I dont mean lie down and let her walk all over you, that is NOT what she needs. She doesn't need a daddy either, she needs a husband. 

It takes time to see a difference. But it is probably the only course of action that will help. She will notice that in a man outside the marriage, hopefully not act on it, but she will notice it, she needs to notice it at home, make sure she does! 

BTW: did she come home? tell us the outcome....


bb123 said:


> I feel your pain Cone! I listen to my wife talk to everybody else and then there's the way that she talks to me. I have told her that she doesn't talk to me like she loves me (or even likes me), but she blows it off with a comment like "I'm busy and I don't have time to stroke your ego!". Last night my stepson dropped her off at the bar with her BFF and he went to celebrate a football victory with her BFF's son. The plan was for him to pick my wife and her friend up at the bar, drop Star and Zac at Star's house and then come home (he's 16 and obviously wouldn't have a problem driving). It's 7:00 AM the next day, they're not home, and I never got a phone call. I called the local hospital and the police. There was not an accident and they were not admitted. This is just an example of her simply not thinking about me. A phone call would have avoided my worrying for the last 2 hours (woke up at 5 and haven't been able to stop worrying since). Why does it have to be soooo difficult?


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Well, it's been a few more weeks, more of the same, we don't fight like we used to. But if I do not perform almost perfectly, she is completely intolerant and seemingly disgusted with me. Not sure if I can keep this up forever or I should even have to. 

I think all is well, then she just goes off. Unless I keep my mouth shut, all hell breaks loose. 

She seems dis-interested in me compared to the past, even when things are going well.
I guess this is what gets me the most. I thought she loved me a certain way. Now I do not seem to matter nearly as much to her. She told me that wouldn't happen. it did. 

Seems like I'm getting no where. maybe I'm not cut out for this marriage thing.


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