# Staying up all night



## anony2

What would you do if your spouse is consistently staying up all night? 

What would you do if your spouse was staying up this late playing a video game with chat? 

I just want to see if my ideology on this is correct. Thank you all for your input.


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## The Middleman

I would not be happy with it and would demand complete transparency


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## Married in VA

Keylogger on the computer just to be sure.

There is NO privacy in marriage, except going to the bathroom.

The computer is marital property and as such you have a right to monitor it.


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## Mavash.

Satya said:


> Short answer: I would not tolerate this at all.


Same here.

Either you're married to the video games or me. Choose.


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## dallasapple

Consistently staying up all night in and of itself isn't a problem.Of course what they are doing during that time can be.But that would be true at any hour of the day.As well as if its causing other issues like with the poster above Satya. Like interupting with her sleep.Or if they cant function or be productive when they need to in the day from exhaustion.But the never turning the computer off to spend time with her is a completely different problem than just staying up all night playing games.

Are you worried that he is up to no good while he is up?Some people can function on very little sleep so just staying up all night like I said in and of itself I wouldn't take issue with.My DIL just blows my mind.She will stay up til 4 or 5 in the morning..3 or 4 days in a row.Still work a 40 hour week during the week days ....She seems fine ...it may 'catch up" to her after a couple of weeks and she will take a down day to sleep late.Then she is back to up all night.Sometimes she is cleaning or organizing.Sometimes the computer..I just chalk it up to that's just her make-up...


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## SimplyAmorous

anony2 said:


> What would you do if your spouse is consistently staying up all night?
> 
> What would you do if your spouse was staying up this late playing a video game with chat?
> 
> I just want to see if my ideology on this is correct. Thank you all for your input.


Anything that you feel is sucking your rightful place/ priority in his/her life...is an issue....it is excess, it is addicting, it is hurting you.... it's not OK.

And if your spouse bulks, shows zero concern to how you feel, defends themselves, not willing to come half way .....pushing you aside....they are spitting on you, going down a slippery slope of behaviors that is not healthy for a thriving marriage. 

I'm all for Transparency as well...







.


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## KathyBatesel

I've always had sleep issues and been up until much later than my partners. It has caused many problems for me because in the past, my exes got angry and felt abandoned. I tried to counter this by going to bed with them and if I couldn't sleep (as usual) I would wait until they were asleep and get up again. I was not getting into chat rooms or anything like that, and would not have been upset if they wanted to use a keylogger to reassure themselves, but I just could not sleep. 

Part of it was physical, part emotional. My husband today isn't bothered by this, fortunately. He actually has adapted by falling asleep on the sofa at his regular time (10p or so) and he awakens at 12-1, showers, and then goes to bed. By that time I can usually fall asleep, too, and he isn't bothered by it. He actually seems to like it. 

Anyway, if you're bothered by your husband staying up, I would encourage you to think about what the real issue is. I thought my exes felt unloved if I stayed up, but when they continued to be mad because I was absent when they were unaware of it, I thought it was something else... a control issue of some sort. 

Why is his game playing a problem for you?


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## dallasapple

> I've always had sleep issues and been up until much later than my partners. It has caused many problems for me because in the past, my exes got angry and felt abandoned. I tried to counter this by going to bed with them and if I couldn't sleep (as usual) I would wait until they were asleep and get up again. I was not getting into chat rooms or anything like that, and would not have been upset if they wanted to use a keylogger to reassure themselves, but I just could not sleep.
> 
> Part of it was physical, part emotional. My husband today isn't bothered by this, fortunately. He actually has adapted by falling asleep on the sofa at his regular time (10p or so) and he awakens at 12-1, showers, and then goes to bed. By that time I can usually fall asleep, too, and he isn't bothered by it. He actually seems to like it.


Right ..I think its unreasonable to take it personally something as "unchangable" is our natural sleep patterns.It has a lot to do with body chemistry and that too can even change over different seasons.There is one person cant remember his name but he is one of the oldest people in the world.Of course he is questioned about things such and diet and sleep patterns.Apparrently he only sleeps like every 3rd day for maybe 6 hours or something weird like that.Of course that's an extreme.But extremes are good to use to show a "truth' about ranges and how cookie cutter is a wrong way to approach many things about whats "normal"..

When I was younger ..I "naturally" was a night owl.If I had it my way I would have stayed up til 3 or 4 and slept til 11 every day.I HATED MORNING TIME..it took me forever to "wake up"..that completely reversed..LOL!! I naturally want to be asleep by 10/11 (the latest)...and I HOP up bright eyes and bushy tail by 7 at the latest..


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## Kurosity

anony2 said:


> What would you do if your spouse is consistently staying up all night?
> 
> What would you do if your spouse was staying up this late playing a video game with chat?
> 
> I just want to see if my ideology on this is correct. Thank you all for your input.




If it were me I would speak to my h and work something out so that both our needs are met (after making sure there is no EA going on and being sure it is not an addiction). 

I would also consider joining in his game playing, I have done this before and got to know all the people he was chatting with while playing. I did not stay up as late as him but I was aware and involved (even though it was not my preferred game) and after a while the game was not consuming his days. But we had fun together.:circle:


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## SimplyAmorous

> *KathyBatesel said: *I've always had sleep issues and been up until much later than my partners. It has caused many problems for me because in the past, my exes got angry and felt abandoned. I tried to counter this by going to bed with them and if I couldn't sleep (as usual) I would wait until they were asleep and get up again.


My husband requires more sleep than I. It's always been this way (though he works A LOT harder than me).... I can stay up hrs after he goes to bed & still get up for him at 6am... Though I always always always go to bed with him every night and we have "our time"...that's important...

When he falls asleep, I will either read a book, put on the TV or go jump online, this is fine with him - cause he is OUT anyway. 

One day he asked me with a rather serious look ....."When do you sleep?".... It seems I do fine on 5-6 hours a night with a 8 hour a couple times a week. 

My staying up doesn't interfere with us anyway.


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## anony2

Satya said:


> My ex did this for years - gaming late at night, chat, voice chat, came to bed at 4am. Drove me up the wall, hampered my own sleeping patterns, affected my work, helped to kill our relationship. He definitely was having EAs online. He had the nerve to tell ME in the morning when I was getting ready for work that I was being too loud.
> 
> Every time I wanted to do something with him at home, the computer had to be ON and he had to be at least 50% engaged in it. So that meant no movies with his complete attention, no cuddling without "oops, gotta check my IM" and so on. Eventually this led to me being utterly starved of any physical contact because I couldn't stomach having to compete with a friggin' computer.
> 
> Needless to say, I will never again date a man who does this. I don't care if he plays games occasionally, but he's got to know when to put them down and turn them OFF.
> 
> Sorry for bitterness, guess this hit a trigger with me!
> 
> Short answer: I would not tolerate this at all.


THIS...

:iagree:


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## KathyBatesel

Anony, you didn't answer why it's a problem for YOU...?


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## anony2

KathyBatesel said:


> Anony, you didn't answer why it's a problem for YOU...?


Kathy, there is many problems with this scenario for me. First of all, it does disrupt my sleep patterns because I am a light sleeper, second of all, while he stays up, he is cranky in the morning if he does not get his sleep. He works with heavy machinery, so his sleep is vital to his job and his safety is important to me. 

There is also the fact that when he stays up, it leaves me to take care of the kids until he gets up every day. Our youngest son has autism, so it is a huge strain on me to have to take care of him all through the week because my husband works second shift AND the majority of the weekends also. 

Then there is the fact that I have asked my husband if I did the same, if it would bother him and he admits that it would. This has been going on for 8 years, it isn't something new, but it is a bone of contention for me because I feel taken advantage of and I have lots of resentment because of it. 

This was really bothersome before the kids got into school, because half of my day was wasted on waiting for him to get up, now half of my weekend is wasted on waiting for him to get up. 



We have made many deals to remedy this in the past, but most promises do not get kept. For instance, when we moved here, he told me that he wouldn't have to stay up all night because he wouldn't be wide awake from the long drive home from work. We have also tried to make deals with him staying up a few nights and going to bed a few nights or even as you suggested, him coming to bed with me and then getting back up, but it isn't about needing less sleep, because he is crabby if he doesn't get enough.


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## trey69

Sounds like its time for a ultimatium, but only if you're willing to follow through with it. I think it sounds like he has a problem not only with insomnia but a gaming issue. 

Its time to have him choose, the video games or his marriage/family. if he chooses the gaming then you need to take care of you and your kids. If that means you up and leave thats what you do. Sleep is important, for ALL people. The fact that he seems disconnected with the family and your feelings on the matter speaks volumes. This has gone on for 8 years, its time to stop it. What you allow, is what will continue.


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## Pault

The simple word is "boundries". In every marridge thre are lines that have to be drawn. If someone has a hobby, and we'll assume playing on line simmmer games is your spouse's hobby then there has to be a start and finsih time agreed. I.e ok 2 hours a night between x and y time - thats it as after its me and thee time. Its the same for facebooking friends texting etc. That way both parties have an agreed break to relax wiith their hobby and still keep a family environment. When these hobbies take up this time line then its way passed acceptable - The line needs to be drawn or you will need to start to show the spouse what disengagement looks like. That way they can see what they do is unacceptable. And if they are on the chat system all night and you suspect something other than playing the game then just sit there and be in ear shot once or twice. It isnt easy but dodnt tell them what your doing just do it and make them uncomfortable


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## Wiltshireman

With the busy lives that many of us lead (work, kids, home, wider family) anything that cuts down on the amount of quality time that a couple can spend together needs to be carefully considered / discussed.

I personally would not have a problem with online gaming and the chat that seems to be evolved in these MRP games that are so popular but I would have a problem if the time spent on them was at the expense of their real world relationship with myself / the children as seems to be the case for the OP.

As for sleep patterns I have always been a lark and with spending the first 10 years after school in the military then 20 years of shift work I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (I even managed to fall asleep standing up once) but I am fully awake within seconds of the alarm each morning (05:00). My wife on the other hand is an Owl who will happily go and do the online grocery shop at 23:00 or potter around the house tidying up until midnight. She does however get up 2 hours after me on a weekday and needs a couple of coffees before she is ready for the day. This has not been a problem for us as we get the kids to bed / their rooms of an evening before having an hour or so together each day.

As for having someone disturb your sleep pattern by coming into the bed late I can only imagine how annoying that is as my wife clams I sleep the sleep of the dead within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow.


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## Maricha75

Anony2, I am a gamer. Sure, I have taken an extended hiatus from gaming, but I still consider myself a gamer. Same for my husband. But the gaming was detrimental to our marriage... Different sleep patterns, and the chatting... it left the opening for EAs. I'm NOT saying that is what is going on with anonim. But, the patterns you mention DO encourage disconnect. 

I'm going to be honest with you anony2... I miss gaming. I miss playing WoW with the friends I made. Sure, I have some on friends lists and email addresses outside WoW, but I miss playing the game with them. HOWEVER, I know that there is NO WAY I will go back to the game, unless my husband goes with me. AND, I know there is a chat program/add on that can be used to log my conversations. I absolutely WILL have that program/keep it active and save the conversations I have. Not because I think I will screw up again, but because I don't want him to even have to wonder, ya know?

Anyway, yea, anony2... the late night gaming + chats is not a good combo. My sister is dealing with much the same situation with her husband. She actually saw one chat thing ingame once...she wasn't snooping, it was just open. And she asked me if I had ever heard the term "spouse/wife aggro".... I didn't lie to her. I told her what it meant. And she was understandably hurt. 

To anonim: this, coming from a gamer.... dude, wifey says it's too much... cut back man! No game is worth potentially losing your spouse. And yes, it can get that bad. C'mon, man, you know the stats regarding gaming and marriage when one spouse ignores, or seemingly ignores, the other. Cut back, man. You love anony2, right? The question I had to ask myself last year: what's more important... my marriage or the game?


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## Soifon

If I were in your situation (I'm assuming this is an MMO?) I would insist he get rid of the game. It's interfering with his daily life and family and with those games there really is no way around playing constantly. If you don't play for hours on end regularly you are so far behind everyone else it makes playing pointless so there really is no way to just cut back. They are kind of all or nothing. When I was single I would play every night until 2,3,4 in the morning then get up and be to work by 8am. It was exhausting and looking back I have no idea how (or why) I did that. I tried to cut back and play for an hour or two a night but I fell so far behind everyone I was playing with it just didn't make sense to play at all.

If he likes playing video games then I would suggest to him he needs to play a regular single person video game or find a multi-player that doesn't involve such large time commitments.


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## Maricha75

Soifon said:


> If I were in your situation (I'm assuming this is an MMO?) I would insist he get rid of the game. It's interfering with his daily life and family and with those games there really is no way around playing constantly. If you don't play for hours on end regularly you are so far behind everyone else it makes playing pointless so there really is no way to just cut back. They are kind of all or nothing. When I was single I would play every night until 2,3,4 in the morning then get up and be to work by 8am. It was exhausting and looking back I have no idea how (or why) I did that. I tried to cut back and play for an hour or two a night but I fell so far behind everyone I was playing with it just didn't make sense to play at all.


Just depends on your group/guild 
Plenty of people play casually and have no problems with that. They are open about that in all groups and with their friends. I know plenty who play casually. They are way behind the hard core players, but not so far behind those who are moderate. They gear up pretty easily with the right groups. 



Soifon said:


> If he likes playing video games then I would suggest to him he needs to play a regular single person video game or find a multi-player that doesn't involve such large time commitments.


Ehhh that doesn't always work out any better. My brother-in-law plays the multi-player games, but not MMORPGs. If there is a gaming problem, you just trade one problem for another.


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## Soifon

Maricha75 said:


> Just depends on your group/guild
> Plenty of people play casually and have no problems with that. They are open about that in all groups and with their friends. I know plenty who play casually. They are way behind the hard core players, but not so far behind those who are moderate. They gear up pretty easily with the right groups.
> 
> 
> 
> Ehhh that doesn't always work out any better. My brother-in-law plays the multi-player games, but not MMORPGs. If there is a gaming problem, you just trade one problem for another.


Well you could also say then that it is a personality issue along with a gaming problem. For me, I couldn't play in a casual guild because I'm an all or nothing person. If I'm not trying to be one of the best then I see no point in playing. Which in those games it's (well impossible because someone is always better) hard to do without committing a lot of time. The games are made that way to keep people paying the monthly fee.

If you (general) are unable to fix the problem by switching to a different type of game then you need to cut games out all together because that to me is along the lines of an addiction. I can't play WoW because I become too consumed with it. I can play Zelda though and play at my own pace without wasting my nights away and effecting my real life.


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## Shoto1984

I'll share a bit of my experience with this. I saw an ad for a MMOG called Evony. I started playing and had a great time with it. Slowly I started to think more about the game then other things. The fantasy world of the game was starting the take away from the time I should have been dedicating to family and work. It was hard to do but I ended it, never returned and real life is better without it.


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## Caribbean Man

anony2 said:


> 1]* He works with heavy machinery. *
> 
> 2]*my husband works second shift AND the majority of the weekends also. *


The two factors above could be what is causing your husband to stay up all night.

Stressful jobs, and long shifts interfere with the body's biological clock, so sleep does not come naturally even though the body is tired.
Whenever I travel on business, and I'm up all sorts of weird hours, it takes me about two or three days to get back a 
" normal " sleep pattern.
If I'm under tremendous stress, even though I'm tired, I cannot sleep for more than an hour.

The gaming is a stress reliever.
I used to play scrabble online with multiple users. Sometimes I would be up almost all night playing up to 10 games at the same time.

His work and the extra shifts may be interfering with his sleep.


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## arbitrator

When STBXW and I were "blissfully" living together as husband and wife, she had a penchant for staying up somewhat late at night, usually to 1 or 2AM.

Then when she had her teenage kids give her an indoctrination into the world of FB, those hours seemed to stretch out. She made friends with a lot of family as well as former high school and college classmates. And after a short while, it got to where I went to bed at 11PM and she would often enter the bedroom at 4 or 4:30AM.

I didn't really give it a lot of thought, chalking it all up to the GF's she had and that she was doing the girly thing by chatting with them for hours online.

A few times, I would wake up to go do the bathroom thing, and would just look in on her to ask when it was that she was coming to bed. She had the sliding wooden doors pulled together, supposedly to keep the noise from the TV down. Whenever I opened them, she would shriek in terror and close the screen on her computer. I had no real reason to be suspicious and just discounted it to her just being "jumpy!"

Only after separation did I discover that she was carrying on two separate affairs with men from her past(post-college/high school days.)

Then it finally dawned on me as to why it was that she was busy doing her "all-nighters" in the study all while I was fastly asleep in our bedroom!


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## litaf201

I just joined this board and can relate to all of this....gaming is a huge problem in my relationship. He doesn't work, is on for hours during the day and then Friday night all night. If he's not gaming he's usually on the computer. I have basically taken low priority in his life and am on the verge of leaving. There is no talking about this as "I am jealous". Well when you make a bunch of people you barely know more important than the real people in your life, I do feel hurt. I don't know how to handle this anymore and it's making me very depressed.


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## Jadiel

I've always been a gamer. I always tell a girl when I get into a relationship. I game. I stay up late and play wow or dod or swtor or something. I don't do it all the time, I don't do it all day. And I always try to schedule my game time around everyone else. For instance, it's late, my wife is tired and needs to get some sleep but I'm nowhere near sleep. Why not stay up another hour and play some games? I was never cheating or even chatting with girls. 

I never saw anything wrong with it, and my wife always pretended she was fine with it. Even after her many affairs came out, she says it was nothing to do with my gaming. Who knows, though. She's utterly full of poop these days.


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