# Wants to Come Home



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

My H & I are seperated, he left for OW 6 weeks ago. She lives in another city. We have been texting and emailing, he has broken it off with her, been going to counselling, has told me things the counseller has told him, got him to read and so forth.
Last Sunday we had a family emergency and we couldn't get a hold of him and he wouldn't come to our resuce which was totally out of character for him especially if he was in town. the only conculsion anyone could come up with is he was with OW. I finally had enough Sunday night, took all his personal belongings and moved them out into the garage. Monday I texted him and told him to either come straight or I would never speak to him again. He ended up telling me he was out of town, not with OW and he didn't want anyone to know he was out of town because everyone would have thought he was with OW. He was away on business and left a day early (had nothing else to do) and that is why he wasn't available on Sunday. I told him to take a picture of a sign in the city he was in so I would know he was really there and he did and sent it to me. He was where he said he was. He apologized for lying, talked to his counseller about it the next day, she confirmed that he was wrong in lying and she was glad he finally told the truth. He said he understands why he does the things he does, why he shuts down and the counseller told him they would only be temporary fixes and the love he was looking for could be found at home.

He has now asked to come home. I'm considering it as we have been married 31 years. Asked for STD testing,and obvioulsy no OW contact, he said that has been over for a while.

Suggestions


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

wow clinging: That's truly generous of you to accept the spouse back. If it were me I would have immediate trust issues, I wonder if I could ever believe him again. I would be so circumspect and protective of my feelings that it would probably inhibit the healing.

If and this is a BIG if, my stbxh wanted reconciliation this is what I would be facing. I would insist on MC, IC and a 12 step program (not AA) for him even then....it would take a long time.

But 31 years is an awful long time, a lifetime and your heart knows best. I suppose you know true humility and willingness within your spouse better than anyone. So you do know best.

I definitely suggest MC for both, IC for him and ask him how he would handle trust issues and feeling protectionism, see if he has any ideas since he was the major contributor.

Good Luck and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Conventional wisdom would say that a long marriage of 31 years is worth saving, but I think caution is appropriate here. You have time to think about things and I would take that time. The issue I see here is that he did actually move out for the OW. So what happened to the relationship with OW that he found attractive enough to leave you for? I'm a bit suspicious of the "he broke it off with her" reason since he must have been comfortable and happy enough with that relationship to decide it was better than the one he had with you and move out. Something is amiss.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well Cling, when I started your ending is what I dreamed of. Marriage is good and positive as long as two people are working together. If he is sincere about the hard work involved in securing your marriage I would let him return, but I would sleep with one eye open as my Grand-daddy used to say. Be careful with your heart and guard it against deceit again. I know you must love him, and I am sure he loves you too. Just stay vigilant, as usually if they leave once...they leave again.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Yes, I will be careful and I'm not stupid. I promised his children I would give dad another chance but it is his last and he knows it and they know it.

He told me OW was never a long term solution for himself, I think it made him feel good when he was feeling lousy about himself. He made some made business decisions this year that has attributed to his feeling low and unworthy.

The OW for some strange reason isn't the biggest hurdle for me to get over, it is more the resentment and negative feelings he developed for me over the past year to justify his affair. that is what I am worried about. How do you go from negative to positive feelings in 6 weeks and is he just trying to fake himself back into loving me?


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

clinging: I know I couldn't do it unless I felt true humility and a desire to work on my marriage and of course that I still truly loved the other person and wasn't just leaning on them for safety and security because I made some poor decisions and no longer have OW/OM in my life and I am scared to be alone or business decisions have forced me to retreat to comfort.

See this is what I would be thinking. I would have doubts and I would be questioning everything because I no longer trust this person.

In the happiness of reconciliation, perhaps these things are pushed under the rug. I have no experience.

I just wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Sparkles

I understand what you are saying and I would be fooling myself if I said I didn't have huge doubts. Can I overcome those doubts, time will tell.

I told him I would just think about whether he could come home but for now, he is providing me with the answers and like he said, sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you decide that something needs fixing in yourself. Before he would always think everyone else was at fault and never him, he now realizes it is him that needs fixing which is a HUGE improvement over the last time.

I hope things work out for you in your situation as well.


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