# Married man and single Female



## ladycar

I just found out yesterday that my hubby has been talking everyday to his #1 fan Ashley (he races dirt cars) and ran our cell phone bill up to $500. He clams that they r just friends that for the last 2mths that his head has been all messed up and he needed someone to talk to. I called his little friend and she 2 claims that they r just friends and only been taliking about racing and making sure she got home ok from the races oh and she broke her ankle because she was acting a fool over My brother-in-law winning his race so my hubby had to call and check on her. He says that he wants to stay with me and work on our marriage that he swears that they were only friends. Am having a hard time forgetting the fact he called her everyday and didn't say a word to me about it. I feel let down by him. How do u forget about something like this. To me it's a step towards cheating. And he found out I have been coming on here and didn't like that at all but I feel I need a place to vent. What do yall think. Do u think a married man can just be friends with a single female? His #1 fan told me if it makes it any better that she would stop being his friend and wouldn't pull for him anymore. Am not sure what to do anymore?


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## Sandy55

He is as full of sh*t as a Christmas Turkey! :rofl:

Last I heard most race car fans were MEN or MARRIED to men.

:rofl::rofl:

This is GREAT. I've never heard this ONE! 

Sorry, honey, somebody is feeding you racing fuel.


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## Sandy55

Oh, and he doesn't want you on here for support for the same reason he likely doesn't want you going to church:

You'll get "religion"!


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## frozensprouts

my husband said and did pretty much the dame thing ( platonic for three months, only became "physical" three days after we separated) platonic my foot! Can you say "emotional affair". Good. I know you could!


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## 1nurse

:iagree: Excuses, excuses. And NO married men should not have single female friends they haven't known for at least 10 years. I can see old family friends or friends from childhood. But no...this reeks like the garbage during the strike here in Toronto!!


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## Feelingalone

Single or married friends of the opposite sex -- it doesn't matter -- aren't good. Don't care if they are 10 year old friends or not. If both of you don't know them, then starts out bad. Even if you do and the other doesn't know then to me that is bad. And I don't care if it is the wife or the hubby. If it bothers the partner it is no good. Lets not start out with gender issues. If you were havong a "male single friend" how would he feel.

I'm just saying it doesn't matter which gender. I would take her up on the offer of "not rooting for him" and ask that she not call him at all -- to respect your marriage. I'd let your h know that this bothers you immensely.


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## Sandy55

If they are just friends then tell him to have her pony up half of the $500. phone bill.

She is a :liar: and he isn't far behind.

Ask HIM to stop the calls, etc....see what he says. He is already defending himself and her. If a single woman was the basis for my DH's cell phone bill being that high, we'd be having a pow-wow.


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## Zebra Doll

The #1 question would be who made the majority of the phone calls? Did she call him constantly or did he call her? If she's agreeing to back off then i would take her up on it and make sure it stays that way and i would monitor that phone from now on. Making sure who he's calling and who's calling him. You never know she might not be the only one he's calling. If phone records are all you have then you can't really prove that he's cheating but i would keep a close eye on things from now on. It is very strange for a married man to be friends with a single female. Just keep a close watch and good luck.


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## hitched4ever

Although it is quite possible, even likely, for persons of the opposite sex to be just good friends, in this case it seems highly unlikely. You H should end all such 'friendships' if he cares about you. He should be far more concerned with his mate then some bimbo from the racetrack.


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## Rhea

Good "friends" do not talk all day every day....I'm just sayin....


I'll leave it at that and my personal experiences out of it...


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## recent_cloud

yes a married man can befriend an unmarried woman.

but only if the married man and unmarried woman are mature enough to understand boundaries.

but you knew the answer to that question 

and so i wonder why you ask


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## preso

If the woman is really unattractive, then yes maybe he can be just friends with her.


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## NothingMan

Oh the world of the double standard. Lemme see if I got this right from other threads...women have have single male friends because it's everyone right to have friends...but a man having a single female friend is automatically an EA unless the friendship lives up to some imaginary and arbitrary set of rules?

Ok, now that I have it straight...your husband is having an EA with her. NO man I know likes to talk on the phone. Period. If he's calling her that much he's calling her because she's putting out or has the potential to put out.

Is she hot?




John


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## NothingMan

preso said:


> If the woman is really unattractive, then yes maybe he can be just friends with her.



LoL preso. Sadly, that is probably true. If she is busted then they can be friends. Also helps to make the wife not feel threatened. Sad in a way though.




John


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## preso

I believe a man and woman can be just friends, as long as there is no sexual attraction between them.
I have a male friend I've known 25 years..... and the reason is I have NO ROMANTIC interest in him at all... nadda.

Most people would be the same as it would be hard to be just friends any other way


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## GAsoccerman

talking everyday is more then friends, I have a ton of female friends, I have 5 sisters...I don't to anyone everyday, excluding my wife.

None of my male friends call me everyday, hell not even weekly.

He is messed in the head due to this woman. He needs to figure out what he wants.


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## ladycar

He claims that because we have been fussing alot more in the past mths that he has been out of his mind unhappy and he needed to talk to a friend. I talked with his little friend and informed her to back off before she gets herself into trouble that no single female needs to be friends with a married man she promises not to have anymore contact with him. I have known they were friends for 4yrs now but just in the last 2mths has he started to talk to her everyday. I informed him last night it was his friendship with ashley or his marriage with me. He doesn't see why he can't have both but did agree that he wants to work on our marraige.


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## swedish

ladycar said:


> He claims that because we have been fussing alot more in the past mths that he has been out of his mind unhappy and he needed to talk to a friend.





ladycar said:


> He doesn't see why he can't have both but did agree that he wants to work on our marraige.


Why can't he have both? Because he already admitted to talking to her about your marital issues. The amount of time ($500 holy cow) he spends talking to her tells me he is obviously enjoying the attention she is giving him. That in itself is taking away from your marriage...If you deal with marital issues by going outside of the marriage, it will only create more distance, less trust.

When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, a good boundary to put in place is to not discuss anything you would not say if your spouse were standing right next to you.


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## ladycar

I have talked to his best friend Jake this morning and he says that ashley and him are just good friends and he thinks nothing would ever happen between them and that hubby loves me and wants to work things out. I told jake I have known for years about ashley and him being friends but the fact that he has been calling her everyday and going behind my back is the problem and that for now I don't want them talking till we can see if we can get our marriage back on track. I don't think that is alot to ask. Ashley has agree to stay away from him and that shows me she may be a true friend and is willing to let us work things out what do u think


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## hitched4ever

Its not up to "Ashley" to do the right thing. I would NOT rely on her at all, nor would I consider anything she claims as material to the issue. Its your H's actions that matter. Either he will quit his improper 'friendship' or he wont. 

The reason I dont bang the neighbors wife is not because shes not hot, not because she wont bang me, and not because my wife talked to her. Its because I dont want to. Think about it. 
The actions of your H are the key.


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## swedish

I'm glad to hear Ashley is willing to back off. I would be more concerned that your husband may have developed an emotional connection with her. It may be hard for him not to talk to her. Not that I think you should bail the second he might slip and call her, but just make it clear to him that you want your marriage to be the focus and the excessive amount of contact with her seems like he has developed some sort of emotional attachment to her.


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## nightshade

It's entirely possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Both H and I have good friends of the opposite sex. Now, I'm not saying that is what's going on here.

Hopefully he will be able to not call her anymore and work out things with you. Maybe tell him that if he really needs to talk about things, you're the best person to come to. Or perhaps you can talk to his best friend, ask if he'd be willing to be available for some chats to help your H out. That way he has somewhere to turn, if he really just did need to talk. 

If that doesn't help and he just calls her again instead, maybe you do have a problem there...


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## Atholk

$500?!?!??!?

SMACK! On the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I hope he likes eating Ramen Noodles for the next three weeks. Bills to pay....


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## philsbabymama

I can completely understand why you feel let down by your husband in this situation...I experienced something very similar in my first marriage. My ex-husband was emailing and talking to girls on the phone..except it was more than one and it took me a while to figure it out due to his ability to blow sunshine. I did catch him and had conversations with the girls much like you did with your hubby's friend. Most of them either freaked out because they didn't know he was married or apologized and promised to never talk to him again. I know based on my experience how much you want to blame the girl for this situation, but you truly need to focus on what issues may have led him to become so close to her over the past few months. With my ex..I truly never blamed the girls, because it was his decision to talk to them and continue emotional affairs. The girls did not make him do it...he was the married one not them. If your hubby has been friends with her for years, she may not have realized the threat she may have posed. Your hubby must take the responsibility for what has happened and step up to the plate. (I would make him pay the phone bill for one!) His friend may not have even realized until now that ya'll were having problems, and if she has agreed to back off, then the ball lands in your hubby's court. I wish you luck, and I pray that God's Will be done in your marriage. God bless!


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## ladycar

Thanks everyone! I do know that Ashley says that she didn't know that I had a problem with them talking like I said they have been talking here and there for 4yrs so I just informed her that I didn't like it and want her to stay away. Now I hope my hubby will be smart enough to stay away and really work on our marraige. Looking back over the past couple of mths we really have kinda lead 2 diffent lives with both of us not talking to each other but to fuss. I know it's not all Ashley fault and I beleive with her backing off she may have been telling the truth she just keep saying she no homewreaker and doesn't want to be one. I hope am not being a fool here but to work on my marraige I guess I have to let it go but it is hard. Wish I could take a magic pill to forget all this happen. Last night he did say that he is not worrried about his racing till he can fix his marriage which is a big change for him to even say that because racing is his passion and I forget what ? I asked but his answer has me and ashley are just friends I mean were friends which tells me maybe he is trying or am I reading to much into that.


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## ladybug48

Here's my question for you, who did more of the calling? Did your husband call this "Ashley" girl or was she calling him? Or was it mutual? Maybe you need to figure out who was persuing who.


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## livvy

i have a similar probelm as well...he's grew up with this girl in grammer school and it was his grammer school crush. they were never friends in grammer school but started talking in h.s. for some reason when i first started dating my now fiance of 8 years. i didnt mind him talking to her becasue i had spoken to her a few times until during the end of h.s. she had said some sexual things to him online and after that i told him to stop talking to her. she knew about me and still disrespected me. now a few years later they are talking again (her emailing him most of the time every few months or so) i guess what i said before didnt matter. they have been talking alittle over a year now, mostly trhough emails and i'm mad becasue he is still talking to her and he tells her all his problems as well as her spilling all her issues. they have always been real close from what i have seen. even during h.s. he saw her a couple of times alone at her house!!! which i'm still not over and his password was her name!!! their relationship is just too personal for me. why can't she go tell one of her girl friends. he hardly communicates to me so when he does to her i get furious. btw she is hot too, alittle out of his league but she obviously has something for my fiance. and i don't think she is with her b/f anymore too. 

so i see it as hot + emotional connection= cheating. 

he agreed to stop talking to her and he deleted her off his fb and he's told me he loves me only. but i also emailed her back to make sure she knows how disrespectful she was to me talking to my soon to be husband. i feel so relieved now that i have gotten this out but it is up to him now to keep his promise. but it will always worry me in the back of my head becasue i feel he will always have something for this girl as much as he denies it.


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## NothingMan

It sounds to me like you have more for this girl then he does. Let me ask you one question. Would you be as threatened is she was a wildabeast and not Hot as you describe her? And one more thing, to say she is out of your fiance's league is mean...unless you think your fiance is ugly. If my wife considered people "out of my league" I would show her they were not.

Im sorry but you just sound controlling at this point.



John


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## Mog

Ladycar,

I do agree that the current relationship between Ashley and your husband sounds extremely inappropriate and you have every right to be concerned in this situation.

However, I would caution others to make sure they are using rational thought rather than raw emotion when approaching situations involving spouses, and their friends of an opposite sex. While it is very easy for such friendships to become more, some times people are just good friends.

Obviously nobody wants a threat to their relationship hanging around, but make sure that you are not breaking up an innocent friendship as it *will* cause resentment in your marriage.


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## NothingMan

livvy said:


> i have a similar probelm as well...he's grew up with this girl in grammer school and it was his grammer school crush. they were never friends in grammer school but started talking in h.s. for some reason when i first started dating my now fiance of 8 years. i didnt mind him talking to her becasue i had spoken to her a few times until during the end of h.s. she had said some sexual things to him online and after that i told him to stop talking to her. she knew about me and still disrespected me. now a few years later they are talking again (her emailing him most of the time every few months or so) i guess what i said before didnt matter. they have been talking alittle over a year now, mostly trhough emails and i'm mad becasue he is still talking to her and he tells her all his problems as well as her spilling all her issues. they have always been real close from what i have seen. even during h.s. he saw her a couple of times alone at her house!!! which i'm still not over and his password was her name!!! their relationship is just too personal for me. why can't she go tell one of her girl friends. he hardly communicates to me so when he does to her i get furious. btw she is hot too, alittle out of his league but she obviously has something for my fiance. and i don't think she is with her b/f anymore too.
> 
> so i see it as hot + emotional connection= cheating.
> 
> he agreed to stop talking to her and he deleted her off his fb and he's told me he loves me only. but i also emailed her back to make sure she knows how disrespectful she was to me talking to my soon to be husband. i feel so relieved now that i have gotten this out but it is up to him now to keep his promise. but it will always worry me in the back of my head becasue i feel he will always have something for this girl as much as he denies it.



Ok I read this again and now it bothers me even more. The tone of your post is, imo, as controlling as I've seen. And your "fix" is not fixing the problem in your relationship it is only fixing a sympton. The reason why your fiance is talking to her about his life is because there are problems in your relationship. Denying him an outlet for emotions he cannot/will not share with you is not the way to fix it. Making yourself available to him to share these feelings with you IS the way to fix it.

In other words, if he could share his issues with you, he would and you wouldnt feel threatened. In my opinion you are a controlling woman who is threatened by anyone you feel is "hotter" then you. And by the sounds of it, you should be, because obviously he isnt getting what he needs from you.

Give him what he needs and he wont need to talk to other women. Then, you wont have to worry. Asking him to sever a friendship because your insecurity is cruel. And I can tell you from experience, it wont stop it. Then you'll develop trust issues because he wont be able to stick to your unreasonable requests. Trust me. It's happened to me before. 



John


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## scarletblue

I saw a lady on a talk show once that had written a book called "How to Steal Another Woman's Man" or something like that. One of her "tips" was to become his friend and have him confide in you. When things aren't going well with the wife, then he would run to the other woman and she would tell him that SHE would treat him better than that, etc....

My exhusband did exactly that.....twice! When I confronted him, he said he did it for attention when things weren't going well in our marriage. When I confronted the women, they lied. Although one woman said it started off as just friends who confided in each other.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread. Just letting you know that I've been there. I have male friends, and I believe men and women can just be friends, but there are boundries. It is up to your husband to set the boundries and stick to them.

I wish you well, and hope everything works out for you.


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## QuitaBee

NothingMan said:


> Oh the world of the double standard. Lemme see if I got this right from other threads...women have have single male friends because it's everyone right to have friends...but a man having a single female friend is automatically an EA unless the friendship lives up to some imaginary and arbitrary set of rules?
> 
> Ok, now that I have it straight...your husband is having an EA with her. NO man I know likes to talk on the phone. Period. If he's calling her that much he's calling her because she's putting out or has the potential to put out.
> 
> Is she hot?
> 
> LMAOOO:rofl:
> 
> I agree men dont talk on the phone unless the woman is givin it up or she has the potential to give "it" up and thats just the honest truth!!! Sounds like an EA and maybe even a PA all the way!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> John


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## QuitaBee

OOps I did that last post wrong...but basiclly I co sign


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## livvy

nothingman, 

your right that we have problems in our relationship but that does not give him the right to go talk to another woman about it. i do feel thratened that he feels more comfotable talking to another woman other than me, i'm extremely jealous. he needs to learn to come to me when he's having issues or else our relationship will never last. but you are wrong about it only being b/c she is hot. i'm more concerned about their emotinal connection and the hot part just adds to it and the fact that i have known he's had a crush on her for years so NO iam not controlling i'm just realistic and trying to save my relationship.


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## livvy

exactly scarletblue, it's all about boundries and she crossed that with him by making sexual remarks disrespecting me knowing of me. i trust my fiance to do the right thing; i do not trust her. that's why i told her to stop contacting him.


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## NothingMan

if you are giving him everything he needs then you have nothing to worry about. If you havent been and this event has opened your eyes to it, then it's time to change. Im glad my wife doesnt just flat out tell me who I can talk to and who I cannot. Id do it out of spite at that point. I dont know why these men put up with it. 




John


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## livvy

to him im not giving him everything he needs. he keeps telling me i'm not there for him and i dont comfort him the way he wants to be so we do have communication problems, everytime we try and talk something out it ends up in a fight. i'm trying so hard to be there when he needs me but it never seems like enough for him. it hurts so much that he thinks of me that way. i'm getting to the point where i'm thinking i'm not the right woman for him. what we do need is therapy. i need therapy for one for a lot of other issues that have came up but you don't know our whole life story so it's hard to judge a person on here.


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## NothingMan

Im not trying to judge you, I can only say anything based on what you write. If there is something missing you think is important and have bearing on my opinion, then by all means...do tell. 


I think therapy is overrated. Basically it's like a coach who teaches you how to listen without judging. My advice is, be patient when he talks to you. Dont be quick to reply especially if his feelings hurt yours. You need to find out why he feels like he cant share with you. Maybe he's a coward and doesnt like confrontation. Maybe he's shy. I dont know. I dont know the man.

Good luck and try to avoid ultimatums. They dont work the way you think they should. 



John


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## voivod

i've never agreed with sandy55 more than on this thread. ladycar, didn't your problems start out with you being second to his race cars? now it's this little honey?

in the roundy-round vernacular, you'r moving backwards. do what you gotta. but i'd sure like to see your little d!ck trickle (former nascar racer, i swear) dump the "friend".


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## ladycar

Voivod u are right I started having problems because I felt 2nd place to his car so I stop going to the racetrack and stop listining to him complain about his car I don't want to be bothered with the race thing that is when I think he started talking to this Ashley because she is always at the track and knows about racing He says he only his two true friends outside of his family Jake and the tramp. He feels like I don't want him to have friends but I don't trust this ashley if they were such great friends why not talk with me when she saw me at the track. She admited she was scared of me but why if nothing was going on? Am trying to move past this but it's hard.


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