# Is it wrong for wanting to leave after finding out about EA/PA



## Opulant (Jun 7, 2011)

Hi, This will be my first thread I post.

I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years and we dated for 10 years before then. We have a one year and 10 month old daughter that we love and adore. 

I found out two weeks ago when for some reason I woke up 4:00 on a Saturday morning and I couldn't sleep anymore and something was nagging at me to check his phone. I went through his phone and there was really nothing interesting until I was putting his phone down and something just kept on nagging so I picked up the phone and I went into his BBM msges to find what has been nagging me.

I read everything and was laying quietly for a while and then I got up and just wanted to put a pillow over his face  but then I looked at my daughter who has just woken and just felt a sadness for her. I kept the whole thing to myself till a couple of days ago. 

He admitted to having a EA and said that he will never apologise or feel guilty because it's all my fault that we are sitting in this predicament in the first the place :scratchhead:

I asked him how this is my fault and he said because I don't cook which I do, I don't clean the house which I do, I don't his washing, only because he decided to do his own washing :scratchhead: I leave the House at 5:40 in the morning to catch a 2 hour bus ride to my job and I get home after 7:00 in the evening 5 days a week. 

He does absolutely nothing around the house to help or lighten my load. I have a young daughter who I hardly see during the week and sometimes all I feel like doing is sit and talk to her but I can't do this because I have to cook clean so that her father can be happy.

I don't believe him that this was just EA and I don't know if he will ever tell the truth about the EA/PA...

My question is this, is it wrong for me to have this strong feeling that I want to quit this marriage, I am not feeling hurt it's almost like I expected this to happen and the only thing bothering me is I don't want to lose my daughter. I am willing to go for MC will it be able to bring back my love and respect for this man?

Is there anyone else that just call it quits after the betrayal?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nothing wrong with that at all

especially considering he has no indication in the slightest of showing remorse

...and his excuses are complete BS. cheaters rewrite marital history and demonize their spouses to justify their cheating


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Opulant said:


> My question is this, is it wrong for me to have this strong feeling that I want to quit this marriage, I am not feeling hurt it's almost like I expected this to happen and the only thing bothering me is I don't want to lose my daughter. I am willing to go for MC will it be able to bring back my love and respect for this man?


No it isn't. He betrayed you, as well as your daughter - his child. Nobody would blame you is you chose to divorce him.

Lose your daughter? Have you been putting your child at risk and or neglecting her? If not then you should lay your fears to rest. More so if you are the primary caregiver.



> Is there anyone else that just call it quits after the betrayal?


I am one of those that did call it quits after I discovered my ex-wife's year long sexual affair in a video file showing her and the OM engaging in sex.

It hurt like hell to make the decision to divorce her but I had to do it for my own personal recovery.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

He betrayed you and now you can't trust him. If you can't trust him, then can you truly love him?

You have every right in the world to leave.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not wrong at all. Not every couple survives infidelity. The fact that he shows zero remorse says it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Opulant (Jun 7, 2011)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. 

I am just so scared that he will take my daughter away from me. He spoke to one of my girlfreinds and told her that he does not give a F if I leave as long as I don't think that I am taking our daughter. He told her that he won't be able to live without her. This is kinda freaken me out. He still today show no remorse and I can't handle this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a lawyer, the lawyer will go over your options and calm your fears of losing your daughter

don't let him threaten you, if anything he should be the one moving out


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How he reacted to the situation is big red flag. You are absolutely right.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

He can beat his chest to others all day long but in the end it is not for him to decide but the courts. Furthermore, just because he may lose primary physical custody doesn't mean that he is never going to see his daughter again, unless the court deem him to be an unfit father and a danger to his child. He's going to have visitation rights and a chance to have his daughter stay with him at his place, more so if the two of you can agree on joint custody.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have to ask, is he abusive physically or verbally? it sounds as though it's possible


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't fear him taking your daughter ... No judge is going to allow him to take your kid away lickety split just cause he threatens you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I have to ask, is he abusive physically or verbally? it sounds as though it's possible


Yeah he totally sounds like a d!ck. His response to you was that of someone who lacks empathy and blames blames blames people for everything they do. No personal responsibility whatsoever. And the icing on top-threatening to take your kid away. Please.


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## mrspink (Oct 17, 2011)

I think you already know what you need to do! He has Zero respect for you. You know you must deserve better then him blaming it on you. My husband and I went through an EA situation a couple of times and I've always taken him back however he has never acted like this and i know he feels at least bad about it. But i couldn't ever forgive him if he blamed it on me. Its not your fault and you shouldn't put up with it!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a lawyer immediately - explain the situation and what you want and tell them to make it happen.

Find out who the other person is and expose to their SO. don't warn you husband that you're going to do that, but this is the fastest way to end his happy affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and the crap he fed you about it being your fault, is lame beyond belief. What an a$$


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

You would absolutely not be wrong for leaving. Some people choose to stay, and work things out. Sometimes it does work out, and sometimes it does not. But for some people, it is a deal breaker, period. And even if it was not a deal breaker for you, and you were willing to work it out, he is not remorseful and almost certainly would not be willing to put out the effort required to repair your marriage. 

Do not panic about losing your child. Get an attorney, and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. It will be hard, but you will get past it!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

deb9017 said:


> And even if it was not a deal breaker for you, and you were willing to work it out, *he is not remorseful and almost certainly would not be willing to put out the effort required to repair your marriage.*


This x 1000. 

People cannot recover their relationship in a productive/healthy manner if after such a betrayal there is zero remorse from the one in the wrong.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It is not wrong. He is a load, in addition to being a remorseless cheater.
No remorse means no chance at reconciling and repeat behavior.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

Nothing wrong with it all. When I found out my ex was cheating, I filed for divorce the next day. I know that’s not for everyone, but I knew there was no way I was every going to be able to trust, respect or like let alone love him again. Even if I had gone through the motions of marriage counseling, it would have just postponed the divorce. And with your husband’s attitude, I would not even think twice about being gone.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm just over a week after my H confessing a PA in which the OW became pregnant (he then took her for a termination, all behind my back)

What my H has done is far worse I think that your H, BUT my H is devastated by what he has done both to me and the other woman. He is full of remorse and guilt and has neve tried to shift the blame onto me or anyone else. He is willing to do anything I need to make me comfortable to stay and work on this relationship. 

I hope you, and I, find the strength to get through this. Both our husband need to do all the work in helping us trust them again. Anything less and I'm out ... I hope you can do the same
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I left my first husband. He was having several affairs and trying to "score" with my friends. I packed up the baby and our clothes, then left. I now have the most wonderful man in my life these last 13 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Opulant (Jun 7, 2011)

Last night he's mother and his father came to our home and they invited my mother to confront him about this afair which his mother heard from a freind of hers...my mom was almost in tears and he showed no remorse or respect for my mother who loves him dearly last night was the first time I shed a tear. Not because what his done to me but what he has done to my mother's daughter the hurt in her voice... 

He has never been abusive just to answer that question. 

His father said to me last night he adores the fact that I have not left but the only reason I am still in the same house is, I am not sure where to go from here and no matter what they say I won't be able to ever respect or love him again. MC I can do that but this EA was a deal breaker which I will never be able to get over as strong as I am as a woman.


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