# The only thing good is the Sex. I want more !



## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

OK - title is true. married 24 years - 2 young teenagers. Problem is My wife cannot communicate very well. Not just with me but with anyone in any social situation. She is a smart & intelligent woman - has a BS in nursing - its just like her "synapses" don't turn on when speaking. She often speaks in sentence fragments, creates new words which I often can decode but sometimes cannot, and will often leave a conversation unfinished (at least from my perspective) because she doesnt know what to say. Periods of silence are common. She is prone to migraine headaches. She has a pleaser mentatlity that makes it hard for her to say no. This has led to her being easily manipulated by - Ok - probably me, her 2 teenage boys, and at least 2 men she admitted out of guilt she has had an affair with.
I did not know about affairs until 1) after we had 2 school age children and 2) 10 years or so after they occurred. Have tried and still trying to forgive but it still hurts and yes I still have anger over it ! -- I have remained faithful thruout because of my belief system.
I am getting tired. I think I am having a mid life crisis of sorts becasue i just hit 47, unhappy at work, unhappy at home, am becoming depressed and anxious over everything. I want more out of a relationship - need some encouragement to try and stay with it. Suggestions ?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi tofuhater ~

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you and your wife ever considered attending marriage counseling together?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Has your wife ever been screened for a neurological abnormality?


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Ya, she definitely needs to see a doctor about some of the symptoms you're describing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Schizophrenia is also likely.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

tofuhater said:


> She often speaks in sentence fragments, creates new words which I often can decode but sometimes cannot, and will often leave a conversation unfinished (at least from my perspective) because she doesnt know what to say. Periods of silence are common. She is prone to migraine headaches.


Is she on medication for the migraines?

I have frequent migraines and one drug in particular caused symptoms similar to what you describe: talking in fragments, inventing words, having incomplete conversations etc. One evening I walked out of the bedroom and spoke a sentence to my wife and she claimed it was gibberish. I knew what I was trying to say but the words did not come out.

Also during a migraine I have a difficult time keeping up with conversations and also formulating an intelligent sentence.

It might be the medication, it might be the migraines. 

-e.p.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In some ways, you could be describing my own struggles. In my case, my wife struggles with this certainty that she cannot change or impact the things that affect her. For example, she cannot see herself addressing depression. In the early years, when men approached her improperly, she didn't feel like she had the power to say no, leading to some close calls. To put it mildly, my way of handling this was a life changer for the guy involved, and my wife learned to be stronger as part of the staying married deal.

My wife is bipolar, and a people pleaser. Migraines are also a way of life. Not trying to suggest this is your wife's case, but there are cases where auditory disfunction of communications are included in the bipolar diagnosis. They literally hear something different than what is said, and as a result, cannot communicate verbally as well. This didn't apply in my wife's case, but it is explored every time she has to change doctors. You will not know unless she sees a professional.

When I went through a midlife crisis, I realized that I could no longer be content in this kind of relationship. The issue that I struggled with was years of her resentment, which was only absent during sex. Ironically, when I went through the midlife crisis, she floored me by saying that she was really happy with our relationship all along, and couldn't really explain why she sould do things like ignore me when I had the flu, or simmer in anger for days at a time. We struggle with her desire to change, but her conviction that she can't.

MC is the key to beginning the repair. In my case, this was in addition to being firm about not allowing the relationship to return to the past.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have suffered from migraines for a loooong time now and I have no problems speaking at all and especially not in fragments. 

Talk to her about how you feel.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

Have you and your wife ever considered attending marriage counseling together?[/QUOTE]

did counseling for about 2 years after she admitted affairs. I was ready to leave. It kept us together but that is about all. I really think I am thru with counseling because I simply think the way she has learned communication is so entrenched she cannot change. And that is ultimately what I am simply tired of. Just writing it down has helped me to understand.

She does see a neurologist for Migraines and someone mentioned a medication for migraine which I am sure is Topamax making it hard to speak. It made her ability to speak much worse - she no longer takes it.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

takes tryptans, magnesium, ca channel blocker and receives botox injections that really do seem to work for 6-7 weeks.

migraine seem to follow either or both sides of hormonal cycle which has always been irregular. Migraines started once she stopped breast feeing our oldest child whow is now 12 - so they have been going on for about 11 years.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

Halien : 

yes - I have resentment and anger absent during sex just as you described. additonally as she becomes older and her sexual needs increase while mine decrease I think back and am driving myself insane by analyzing everything about our history in a pre-affair post affair anaylsis. Should I have known - should i have picked up on the signals. Because of her communication style, I realize that I am completely vulnerable. I literally had no clue about her affairs and she is perfectly capable of pulling one off again without me ever knowing !- My trust is gone ! In her and even in my own ability to recognize another affair !

Runslikedog:

never considred bi-polar or schizophrenia. - I am fairly familiar with bi-polar and i really don't see that in her. what was mentioned that makes you conisder schizo. ?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Fragmented dis-associative states, word salad, thoughts that don't appear to make sense, mild catatonia, hyper sexuality with a 'pleasing personality that's manipulative. 

Only about 15-20% of schizophrenics 'hear' voices. Internal delusions are more common.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wasn't suggesting affective disorder like bipolar. I was suggesting something organic like structural brain injury.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tofuhater said:


> Halien :
> 
> yes - I have resentment and anger absent during sex just as you described. additonally as she becomes older and her sexual needs increase while mine decrease I think back and am driving myself insane by analyzing everything about our history in a pre-affair post affair anaylsis. Should I have known - should i have picked up on the signals. Because of her communication style, I realize that I am completely vulnerable. I literally had no clue about her affairs and she is perfectly capable of pulling one off again without me ever knowing !- My trust is gone ! In her and even in my own ability to recognize another affair !


Sorry, I wasn't clear, so I edited. My wife was the one with continual resentment issues. Took 22 years before it became a problem with me. The bipolar part of it seemed to be the crucial part that seemed to make it where the people pleasing was largely directed at others.

There are so many potential reasons for your wife's communication problems, but considering her past and the problems in the relationship, there is little excuse for her not to know. You shouldn't have to push her to see a professional if she is the one who cheated, considering that communication is a central problem in the relationship.

I think it is part of my wife's bipolar condition, but she let things go entirely too far largely because of her own feelings of inadequacy, and the fact that another person desired her. Our relationship was very healthy at the time. To me, that's a little different than someone who falls into an affair because the marriage is dry. Obviously, the drivers that led to your wife's affairs will be important to understand if you stay in the relationship.


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