# Looking for advice



## nething (Nov 28, 2015)

So I guess Ill begin with the question and follow with the details...

How do you get over your partners past when it ultimately caused you to get an STD?

Now the details:

My wife and I both were fully aware that each had sexual partners before we got married. Hell we were both engaged and our relationship was all the stronger because of the knowing what one another was looking for in a partner. 

Fast forward to probably four months after the wedding, child on the way, wife dealing with intense morning sickness. All of a sudden I start having intense pain (yada yada yada). See a doctor and low and behold a very unlikeable diagnosis. 

Now to fill in some information: my wife and I never had unprotected sex before marriage. Ive never had an outbreak until after we were married and having unprotected sex.

Now my wife has never been one to easily take fault for anything. Shes the youngest of 5 and I think its just something that comes with being a "youngest". That said when this diagnosis came through she immediately indicated it that it must have been caused by a guy she had dated just prior to me that was a creep and serial cheater. Asked specifically whether she knew about the issue and just didn't tell me (prefaced with the FACT that had it been presented before hand it would NOT have changed my mind to marry her) she indicated she had no idea. Had never been tested and had never had an outbreak. So I obviously had to ask the question why she was so sure especially since we were always very careful pre-marriage to use condoms to which she indicates that the first time they had sex it was in the heat of the moment and he didn't have one.... Keep in mind shes mortified at this point. Even feeling ill showers me with love and affection. The whole time telling me how guilty she feels etc and wishes that relationship had never happened. 

Now I have not ever had unprotected sex with anyone other than my wife. This was something that she knew before hand. I never bothered to ask her. Shes Catholic and doesn't use birth control so I just assumed (incorrectly) that since wouldn't have had unprotected sex because of the potential of getting pregnant, etc. Come to find out she had done so with this guy and her ex-fiancé. 

So this was 6 years ago that all of this transpired with the diagnosis, etc. I let it completely eat away at me for almost a year. In the mean time I developed a horrible Chronic Headache Disorder that (at least the doctors want me to believe) was triggered by this STD and may never go away. My wife knows of the Headaches but not what the doctors believe triggered them... I love her too much. So after a while I just become desensitized to the whole situation, then to sort of everything else. I fall into this not caring mode. Ultimately do a lot of harm to my professional life which caused me to shut down my company. During this time my wife is beside herself (she doesn't know that the anchor of my problems was this situation) and with 2 kids at this point starts to become extremely angry. On the verge of leaving me on several occasions. 

Fast forward to the present. Ive rebuilt my professional life. Moneys good. Reconnected with my wife and have child number 4 on the way. 

That said part of my reconnecting was to again silently allow myself to start caring about this situation. It was like flipping a light switch.... As soon as I started caring about IT again I was suddenly motivated, cared about things again. My wife recognized the change almost immediately. (its what resulted in child number 4 being on the way!) 

Problem is that the balance between caring and obsessing is a difficult one.... Theres still a part of me that questions whether she actually didn't know. And theres a part of me that sometimes worries that I was a safe decision to marry because of it...

These days, after all the issues I cause in my "not caring time" shes much less forth coming about talking about ANYTHING especially her past. 

So any good advice?..


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Since you're using words like pain and outbreak, I assume you're talking about herpes.

Herpes can be transmitted even when using a condom, if you come in contact with a sore not covered by the latex.

It's really not safe to place blame on where this came from. Either of you could have brought an STD into the marriage, and neither of you asked for any kind of testing before ditching condoms.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you considered counseling?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My advice is to stop obsessing about the past as most people have a sexual past, concentrate on the present and be grateful for your wife, children and job. You say you have not ever had unprotected sex with anyone other than your wife, but that would be very unusual with young guys, they don't like wearing condoms so if I were her I would question that. She still may think that you were infected before you two got together.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

Despite the added teeth to this situation of the STD, this has all the "typical" symptoms of retroactive jealousy. I'm a sufferer of this illogical problem, coming up on a year now. Knowledge, lack of knowledge, doubt, trust, and rumination; it's not a easy path and I haven't discovered anyone closer to an answer for it. 

One thing interesting you describe - "caring" MORE has made you function better professionally, etc.? For me my best times are when I am able to temporarily forget it all. 

Best of luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Get therapy.
Once you decided to have more kids, you don't get to decide this is important now.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lots of good advice.

My comments are that when you married her and she married you there was an implicit "in sickness and in health." clause in your vows. If so, the two of you shared a sickness that neither of you knew you as a couple had.

I like the part in traditional wedding vows about two becoming one that no one may separate. It really is true on so many levels. After a while two individuals become one marital team. After a while, many couples have children who share their parent's DNA and are a living testament of the fact that two have become a new independent living being. 

The point to this is you are now married. Forgive her and forgive yourself. Do affirmations/self-hypnosis and visualize how much you love your wife, how this long term STD is a challenge to you and her, and that your love for each other will conquer this challenge. 

It is in the past, you have a professional future, children, a wife that loves you and the potential for being happy with this woman and the family the two of you have created. Don't mess up that potential by continually thinking about the past and trying to assign blame. 

What happened in the past doesn't matter, you have the rest of your life to live. Make the most of that future with the woman who choose to marry you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I totally understand the feelings of jealousy at the thought that she was raw dogging bad boy (creep and serial cheater yet enthusiastically gave it up bareback) but when it came to you, she's was all proper and it had to be protected. That would be bad enough but to get an incurable STD? 

Man that would've made me bounce. BUT when you went and had additional children, you caused statute of limitation to run out. In your case you have to forgive it and let it go. It's caused you to be distant and you actually put yourself at risk of being left or more likely played out by a neglected wife. Now wouldn't that be jacked up. You get left or betrayed because you're having difficulty dealing with the "gift" she gave you.

I would give it to God. Don't carry that cross. Yes it's F up that happened but that woman gave you 4 kids that I'm sure you love. If she's loving and affectionate, and Hopefully your best friend, then take the good and let Jesus carry what you can't handle. When your mind dwells back there, prey that God give you strength get through it.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Not even remotely the same but,
I woke up with a cold sore on my lip the day after our wedding night. My wife who had cold sores all through high school and college has never had one since. That was 24 years ago, and I still get them every couple months or so.
Go figure.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Not exactly the same UMP but cold sores are herpes.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

An interesting read: http://projectaccept.org/straight-dope-herpes-statistics/



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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> An interesting read: http://projectaccept.org/straight-dope-herpes-statistics/
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


_75%-80% of Americans carry at least one Herpes Simplex Virus (Type 1 or 2)

Over 80% of human beings tolerate HSV just fine._

yes indeed, very interesting.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Herpes can also be transmitted during oral sex. If the virus is shedding, even if there is no sore yet, it can be transmitted.
Further, as has been suggested, condoms are not foolproof. Even if the condom is covering a sore or area where the virus is shedding, it is still possible for transmission of the virus.
It is entirely possible that your wife did not give you herpes.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Some people can carry an STD and themselves never have a break out, but a partner sensitive to the std gene will have the break out. So yes it can be true that she did not know she had an STD.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm really sorry first of all that you are suffering with this. I think you accept it because you can't change it and you are a good man and the only direction to move is forward. If it wasn't an STD it could be something else that would consume your thoughts about her past. 

Instead of getting over it realize that everything needs only your agreement, your assent, your loving understanding; then all will be well with you and nothing can harm you.

Try to ask these four questions and turn around the concept you are questioning. For example the concept is that your partner's past caused you to get an STD.

The 4 questions are: 
1. Is it true? 
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Turnarounds are: 
1. I gave myself an STD. (is that as true or truer?)
2. I gave an STD to my partner 
3. My partner's past didn't cause me to get an STD

Uncomfortable feelings are clear reminders that we've attached to something that may not be true for us. I'd try to see if at least a couple of the turnarounds could be true in some ways. It takes two to tango and you trusted or assumed things about her past and made the choice to proceed without protection. I don't blame you I would have done the same thing! 

I stole some of this advice from a book I am reading by a woman named Byron Katie. It's a good read for when you can't get over something that is bugging you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

laroo said:


> I stole some of this advice from a book I am reading by a woman named Byron Katie. It's a good read for when you can't get over something that is bugging you.


What is the name of the book?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> What is the name of the book?


It's called, "I Need Your Love - Is That True?"

I learned about it from a good psychotherapist in Boulder, CO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

laroo said:


> It's called, "I Need Your Love - Is That True?"
> 
> I learned about it from a good psychotherapist in Boulder, CO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Sounds interesting.


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