# Husband's weight gain turning me off



## Miranda W (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi there, first time poster here. I realize that someone recently wrote with a very similar issue to mine but I would still appreciate any insight anyone could provide for me.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. For the first 5 years of our relationship he was very thin, and I found him absolutely hot. We got married, we both quit smoking.... and he slowly and steadily started to put on weight. It bothered me but I didn't say anything because I knew he felt sensitive about it and that it bothered him.... he said to me "I know you'll love me no matter what, but I really don't like the way my body looks right now". This was 4 years ago, and he's even heavier now! 

I've done the following things to sort of "beat around the bush" and attack this issue sideways:
* when he went to the doc and found out he had high blood pressure, I talked to him about how concerned I was and told him I wanted him to be alive and healthy for a long time, and encouraged him to be healthier.
* started cooking more healthily - we are still not *great* about this but we are both trying
* Bought a scale, ostensibly for me but really in the hopes that HE would start to use it

He doesn't really like to exercise that much, has started going to the gym maybe once every week or two. Will hike with me once in a great while. He's really not doing a whole lot to lose weight - maybe it's not a priority for him? 

Here's the thing: I *adore* my husband. We have a fantastic marriage and are very loving towards one another. There is absolutely no question of divorce - I am going to make this work no matter what. However, I am just not very physically attracted to him right now, and it's really hard to keep faking it. Physical attractiveness *does* matter, in addition to emotional intimacy. I was prepared for hair loss and wrinkles - I never expected him to get fat.

*How do I talk to him about his weight being a turn-off without totally breaking his heart? Is there any way to do this gently? I can only imagine how devastating it would be for him to hear this from me..... * He is really sensitive, and he also completely adores me and is very turned on by me (for reference, I'm 5'6" and 130lbs, have stayed thin due to watching my diet and exercising regularly) I don't even know how to begin this conversation without him being terribly hurt, and having it damage our relationship. I am so very sad about this, have been pushing these feelings down for a really long time and am not sure how much longer I can hide them.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

How big is he? You said he was thin before and is now overweight. But what are we talking about here - obesity or just a few extra pounds? High BP may be hereditary in his family and the weight may not factor in much at all. I realize your post is all about physical attraction though. Just curious to see where you're coming from.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

How old is he? Also, going to the gym just once a week, never mind once every two weeks, isn't going to be helpful at all as you know. Perhaps ask him why he goes that infrequently. He must know that there's no benefit to it. 

It sounds silly, but when you go from being able to keep weight off without even trying to being able to put weight on without really trying it does two things. 1. You get depressed. 2. You actually feel older. Maybe it's hitting him that way. The health approach makes sense, but that's on a rational level. He could be having trouble on an emotional level.


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## Miranda W (Apr 1, 2013)

He's 38, 6'2" tall. I would guess that he's gained a good 40 lbs - at least. His chest is all squishy and he's got a round belly. Some people can look pretty good a little stocky but he's not one of them. The weight is distributed weirdly - it's all in his belly, chest and upper arms. It's changed the shape of his face too. VermisciousKnid, I think it *is* an emotional issue for him - the one time he talked about it, 4 years ago, he got teary-eyed and seemed to feel pretty intensely about it.... which is why I've been so reluctant to bring it up. He *really* holds his emotions in and can be pretty private about this kind of thing... it makes it hard to talk. 

I think in part he hasn't gone to the gym more often because he really doesn't like it, but also has had this recurrent chronic pain issue for the last two months and it's really laid him low sometimes. (too long to describe here) Part of my lack of attraction right now is the fact that sick is kind of the opposite of sexy. He is getting a lot better now, but I want to wait until this is completely finished before having this convo with him.... the pain issue that he has can be triggered by stress and I don't want to make him worse.

I am beginning to realize that we have some serious commmunication issues.... or rather, *he* holds way too much stuff in and is too private about his health (which affects us both IMSHO) and I am reluctant to pry stuff out of him. (FWIW this is the only emotional thing I've ever held back from him, normally I am a pretty open book)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Miranda W said:


> He's 38, 6'2" tall. I would guess that he's gained a good 40 lbs - at least. His chest is all squishy and he's got a round belly. Some people can look pretty good a little stocky but he's not one of them. The weight is distributed weirdly - it's all in his belly, chest and upper arms. It's changed the shape of his face too. VermisciousKnid, I think it *is* an emotional issue for him - the one time he talked about it, 4 years ago, he got teary-eyed and seemed to feel pretty intensely about it.... which is why I've been so reluctant to bring it up. He *really* holds his emotions in and can be pretty private about this kind of thing... it makes it hard to talk.
> 
> I think in part he hasn't gone to the gym more often because he really doesn't like it, but also has had this recurrent chronic pain issue for the last two months and it's really laid him low sometimes. (too long to describe here) Part of my lack of attraction right now is the fact that sick is kind of the opposite of sexy. He is getting a lot better now, but I want to wait until this is completely finished before having this convo with him.... the pain issue that he has can be triggered by stress and I don't want to make him worse.
> 
> I am beginning to realize that we have some serious commmunication issues.... or rather, *he* holds way too much stuff in and is too private about his health (which affects us both IMSHO) and I am reluctant to pry stuff out of him. (FWIW this is the only emotional thing I've ever held back from him, normally I am a pretty open book)


What is the chronic pain - gout? You can get it in your joints, and being heavier can make you more prone to it. Do his joints feel stiff all over? If he deals with stress via eating or drinking alcohol, that can make gout even worse.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

My husband was big when we married and he's bigger now. He has always been the sexiest man alive in my book. He has lost a lot of weight a few years ago (gained it back) and none of it has made a difference to me. He's just plain sexy!

I really don't know how I would ever approach him to tell him that I wasn't attracted to him anymore because of his weight. I just don't see how this could be done without being hurtful to him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Time to pull on your marriage panties and woman up, have the talk. It may be difficult because in your mind, it is "mean" to tell someone they are fat. But it is actually mean NOT to tell your husband you are losing your attraction for him. He may be hurt, but honesty is what it takes. Even if he is hurt, he will be ok, he's a big boy.


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## Miranda W (Apr 1, 2013)

It's costochondritis - inflammation in the connective tissue in his chest. There's no direct cause, though it can be made worse by stress. So yeah, two separate issues. 

If only my physical attraction didn't actually have any relation to physical characteristics. That is a neat Jedi mind trick. I suspect this is one of those mysterious things my mother and mother in law were referring to when they said "marriage takes work". heh. I will consider my words carefully and decide in the next couple of weeks how - and whether - to have this conversation. It's kinder in the short run to not say anything, but less kind in the long run to just let this issue fester, if indeed I am unable to transmute pure love and devotion into greater sexual desire.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That is a toughy and treading on glass situation.

I would eat healthy and with him without saying anything. Buy the groceries and all healthy alternatives, like I do.

Weights and cardio on your part should motivate him to do the same for himself. If it still doesn't it is his fault at that point.

Dr, test levels, natural test booster required? As men get older, our drives do taper off compared to our teens and early 20's.

You have to have the final talk and then its all on him from that point.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Tell him straight he's a fat ass and needs to lose weight because he turns you off now. Usually guys aren't that sensitive and if it came at him like that, it would be a strong wake up call to do something about it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

He should go to the Dr and get his thyroid tested, full blood work, physical, etc. 

No more junk foods and sugar drinks.

Make his own healthy foods and know the calories. Knowing how many calories you eat each day will allow you to gauge if he wants to lose weight, maintain or gain. Otherwise, you could eat very healthy but way too many calories and still get really fat.

Some people respond great to a low carb, high protein diet were others respond great to medium card to medium protein diet and other still respond to high card and lower protein levels.


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## JSX (Mar 24, 2013)

You can do what my wife did to me when I gained 40 pounds, we were looking at pictures from 4 years ago, and she said “oh so hot, soo young, show me this picture again, oh I cannot believe it,…. ” I asked if now is less hot and she said no, you are still hot, but in that picture you are very hot, I wish if we can take like a picture like it again 

I got the point and took 6 pounds off, and 34 left to go.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ok, I have seen threads where a man is skewered for having the same problem with his wife who has gained 40lbs. I'm curious where the indignation is. Heck, my wife is over 330lbs (twice her marital weight), I have written about it and received some pretty blistering criticism.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> My husband was big when we married and he's bigger now. He has always been the sexiest man alive in my book. He has lost a lot of weight a few years ago (gained it back) and none of it has made a difference to me. He's just plain sexy!
> 
> I really don't know how I would ever approach him to tell him that I wasn't attracted to him anymore because of his weight. I just don't see how this could be done without being hurtful to him.


My SO is a big guy as well and I love him like crazy. Fortunately, he has made a commitment to losing his weight and has been doing very well.

For him, it's a concern about our lifestyle and, well, life. He wants to grow old with me and therefore he needs to get his weight under control. Priorities.

We walk together everywhere. It was quite hard for him at first but now he is doing very well. As the weight comes off, he is getting stronger and more fit. So my advice is to discuss the issue until his weight loss is a priority for him. It must be for his reasons--this is important--although part of his reason can be b/c he wants to live a long, healthy life with you. Support his efforts and let him know you are proud of his results. In other words, love him. In return, you will receive the gift of his love back in kind. Good luck.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, I have seen threads where a man is skewered for having the same problem with his wife who has gained 40lbs. I'm curious where the indignation is. Heck, my wife is over 330lbs (twice her marital weight), I have written about it and received some pretty blistering criticism.


That's rather dangerous. I hope your wife decides soon to drop the weight and focus on your future together. Be concerned for her, but love and support her efforts.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My H is so much like yours. He's SO sensitive about anyone commenting on his weight, it's an elephant in the room with us. I've tried discussing it with him before from a health concern aspect, and he was so "hurt" that he wouldn't talk to me for 2 days. (Oh, if only I knew about this forum then...I would've handled that so much differently). 

There's no way out but through with this one. You can either tell him his weight gain is causing you to lose attraction to him and be prepared to handle his hurt feelings (treat the conversation like a doctor telling someone they have cancer...the patient may get angry, yell at the doctor, blame him, but the doctor knows it was necessary to tell him and he won't take the patient's reaction personally), OR you can accept it and overlook the pounds creeping up over the years until he blows up like a Goodyear blimp and think "this is WAY better than having him get mad at me for having a conversation I almost had with him years ago when he was only 40 lbs overweight."

It's NOT your fault he gained weight. As long as you present the issue in a careful and loving manner, it's not your fault if he gets upset with you and his feelings get hurt. He needs to deal with his emotional issues himself.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, I have seen threads where a man is skewered for having the same problem with his wife who has gained 40lbs. I'm curious where the indignation is. Heck, my wife is over 330lbs (twice her marital weight), I have written about it and received some pretty blistering criticism.


There should be no indignation here, nor should you have received any blistering criticism. This is a very sensitive subject for me (and I know for you as well), and I'd like to personally skewer some of those who pass unfair judgement and make sweeping comments about how being turned off by your spouse's weight gain is self-centered and insensitive and shameful.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Miranda W said:


> It's costochondritis - inflammation in the connective tissue in his chest. There's no direct cause, though it can be made worse by stress. So yeah, two separate issues.
> 
> If only my physical attraction didn't actually have any relation to physical characteristics. That is a neat Jedi mind trick. I suspect this is one of those mysterious things my mother and mother in law were referring to when they said "marriage takes work". heh. I will consider my words carefully and decide in the next couple of weeks how - and whether - to have this conversation. It's kinder in the short run to not say anything, but less kind in the long run to just let this issue fester, if indeed I am unable to transmute pure love and devotion into greater sexual desire.
> 
> Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.


Wow! If I didn't know any better I'd swear you were describing my husband. Same height, same chest problem, high blood pressure, eats out of stress and anxiety, and holds everything in. Only difference is my husband has gained 80 lbs.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Adex said:


> Tell him straight he's a fat ass and needs to lose weight because he turns you off now. Usually guys aren't that sensitive and if it came at him like that, it would be a strong wake up call to do something about it.


He has to know this though, right?? How could he not?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> OR you can accept it and overlook the pounds creeping up over the years until he blows up like a Goodyear blimp and think "this is WAY better than having him get mad at me for having a conversation I almost had with him years ago when he was only 40 lbs overweight."


Nice post and flip on thinking about the problem. What's the alternative to NOT discussing it??

Love means sometimes you gotta have those tough conversations.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Try to get him involved in something like Insanity. I lost 18lbs and I wasn't overweight. I did it to feel better. You could offer to do it with him. You guys could connect on a deeper level and be healthy. Win/win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

People get offended by the my spouse is a fat ass, and Im not attracted to them posts because at some point EVERYONE loses their looks. 

Is it ok then to throw them away and trade in for a "new" younger hot model?

I know for some its a real issue, and 100+ lbs gained is not something I would want to have to deal with. I guess I just wonder where we draw the line? 10, 30, 75 lbs? 

Good thing my wife certainly didnt marry me for my looks.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'm not attracted to fat men and if my husband had gained a significant amount of weight it would be an issue. 

Heck, my ex husband has gained about 35lbs and I've been bugging him about it and I don't even have sex with him anymore! It's just a shame to see someone you knew to be thin and fit get that way.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Many years ago Ihad a stressful job, worked a lot of hours, stopped exercising and caring about what I ate, I gained about 40 pounds, I'm thin boned and it all collected around my middle, not a good look for a guy in his early 30's.

The moment of truth for me was when my wife told me to stop in the middle of sex, she told me my gut was hurting her, it was getting in the way of sex, and it was a big turn off for her. She left the room before we finished. Keep in mind that at the time she was 5'1" and about 105#, I would have been 6'4" and about 240 or so.

I'm basically a sensitive guy, but still a guy at the end of the day. When she put it like that, I decided the next day that I was going to lose the weight, and a year later it was gone, and never came back.

Just be blunt with your hubby. He can take it.


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## He'sallright (Mar 8, 2012)

Miranda W said:


> Hi there, first time poster here. I realize that someone recently wrote with a very similar issue to mine but I would still appreciate any insight anyone could provide for me.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. For the first 5 years of our relationship he was very thin, and I found him absolutely hot. We got married, we both quit smoking.... and he slowly and steadily started to put on weight. It bothered me but I didn't say anything because I knew he felt sensitive about it and that it bothered him.... he said to me "I know you'll love me no matter what, but I really don't like the way my body looks right now". This was 4 years ago, and he's even heavier now!
> 
> ...


First off, you should not feel guilty about how you feel. Physical attraction is, and always will be, a huge component of any relationship. Yes, gray hairs and wrinkles come part and parcel with growing old together. We don't have much say in the matter... However, weight is something that we CAN have control over. Every partner should do their best to stay in shape, maintain a healthy weight, and age gracefully. No one wants to marry up with someone who's gonna fizzle out early on in life and become a burdensome liability later on.

Now that i am off my soapbox... Here's what you should consider doing:

1). Get yourself in insanely good shape. Pronto. Make working out your priority each and every day. He'll notice. Believe me, he will. He'll see you dropping weight, toning up, and looking hotter and hotter. That alone will maybe get him moving. He'll realize (at least in theory) that he needs to step up his game. PS... dress sexier so gets the point. 

2). Eat clean. Get rid of all of the junk food in your house. You can indulge in a treat every now and then, but try to keep that as a "going out/date night" sorta thing. It's Ok to treat yourself every now and then. What's life worth without rewards? Just don't slip up and make it into a daily routine.

3). Give invites. Ask him to join you in your work outs. Better yet, ask him for help. If he bails in you, then play it off like it's no big deal... and go without him anyway. This will keep your efforts front and center in his mind, without it being too aggressive or direct.

4). Get your friends involved. Try to plan fun outdoor activities with your mutual friends. Avoid picnics-- unless you can make sure that it's healthy food. Walks, bike rides, swimming, volleyball, etc. Get creative. Even a trip to the mall can turn into exercise. Slowly up the ante over time.

5). Be honest but fair. I struggle with this one alot... I too have a chubby partner with sensitive feelings. I've been fighting this battle for nearly two years. I've come to realize this... There are things that are difficult to say, and there are things that are difficult to hear. Sometimes, it just has to be laid out on the table-- even though feelings might get hurt. If you love him, and he loves you, then you two should be able to address this problem like adults and move forward. If you are not able to do this, then weight is not the issue. You've got something bigger on your hands. No pun intended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

keeper63 said:


> The moment of truth for me was when my wife told me to stop in the middle of sex, she told me my gut was hurting her, it was getting in the way of sex, and it was a big turn off for her. She left the room before we finished. Keep in mind that at the time she was 5'1" and about 105#, I would have been 6'4" and about 240 or so..


That's about where my ex husband and I were at. I'm 5'2" and he's 6'5" and around 240lbs or so and he's definitely got the belly. 

Glad your wife was proactive and you took it in a manner that gave you the incentive to lose the weight. I'd probably be doing the same if I was still married to my ex. Of course he never wanted to have sex so I guess it wouldn't have worked with him.


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