# Blindsided



## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

The day after Valentines Day my husband said the words "I love you but am not in love with you". The day before I woke up to a beautiful card, necklace, candy, etc........and then my world of over 16 years fell apart.
I love this man more than anything in this world, and my life has been about catering to his and my kids needs. Now I have to figure out this new direction my life is going in. We are in the process of building a new home together, a home I thought we would grow old together in.
He had weight loss surgery about 7 months ago, as well as I did nearly 2 years ago. He says he may be going through a mid life crisis but is not willing to work on our marriage. 
I would not wish this pain on someone I hate. I am so heartbroken, but it will make it through this.
The thought of dating at 44 is appalling to me!


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

So sorry, bookwrmmom, this is really sad. I can feel the pain in your words. Keep posting here, it will help you get through this.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hugs! You will get great advice here. Has your husband moved out?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Protect yourself, read a lot.

Money, kids, house, car, bills, credit cards, you name it. You won't believe what a nasty divorce oriented spouse will do in a short time.

We'll help.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well HE has moved out but because he travels for work....so staying gone is easy. However all of his stuff is still here. We are in the process of building a new home so when that is done I imagine he will come get the rest of his personal belongings. 
Yes I will make sure my needs are taken care of as far as home, bills, etc but he is still paying all he bills so there is no problems with that. 
I have gone through all the normal emotions I suppose when you are blindsided by something. However now I am just in the mindset of working on me. YES I want to fix my marriage but at his time he says he is done. He loves me as a person, and doesn't want things to get nasty and neither do I. 
So I will work on my happiness, and hope that he realizes that he has a pretty great wife. I am no where near perfect, but I have catered to his needs for over 16 years. I guess it is time for him to see what life without me means.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

He's paying all the bills... now. He's already planning how not to.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Generally, when a person specifically says what your husband said, there is another person in the picture. Can you investigate?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Generally, when a person specifically says what your husband said, there is another person in the picture. Can you investigate?



Agreed, and given that he just had weight loss surgery there's a good chance he imagines he'll have all kinds of female options he didn't have before. I've seen this attitude with a number of people who've had weight loss surgery.

Don't be surprised if he eventually decides he made a mistake and tries to come back; right now he has an extremely high opinion of himself and his options, but the real world may not play out so well. Think long and hard about whether you want him back; remember the minute he thought he might have other options he threw you under the bus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well I know he will continue to pay all the bills that he is paying at least until we close on the new house, because he does not want any trouble at closing. It is too late for me to back out of not signing because we are too far into the process. So if we make it as far as divorce it will be marital property.
I have heard of quite a few people who have gone through weigh loss surgery who go through this just recently. He doesn't seem to think that it has anything to do with it. Honestly I don't think HE knows what will make him happy. I think he is pretty confused himself. Yes I have been investigating the possibility of a third party, and as of yet there is not a clear indication that there is someone. Right now it seems as if he is isolating himself.
The best thing I can do at this point if I want to save my marriage....and I do, is to be the good person I am. 
Now that does not mean that I don't pay attention and bury my head in the sand. That means I protect myself, and still be a good person.
I don't know if we can fix this, but I believe that if 2 people love each other then there is a chance. As I explained to him: there have been times that I have not been IN LOVE with you as well, but I worked it out and stuck it out. I will not settle for less then 100%, so no need to come back unless you want a REAL marriage and not just because its "cheaper to keep her".
I can choose to spend the next 11 months of my life miserable and seeking ways to get even, or I can TRY to be the happy good person I am. I choose to be happy, even it means a different happy than I thought.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP, this may just be a MLC brought about by the surgery, but he is exhibiting some classic behavior of there being another person he is involved with. You should be aware of that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hate to see you here, bookwrmmom! But you came to the right place here at TAM, where we'll definitely have your back!

Married 16 years? Any kids? What type of work does your H do? And you? Also, in which state do you reside? *


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

We do not have biological children together, but one child left at home whom he adores but is technically mine....but I pity the idiot that says she is not his. He has raised her since she was a baby, and they are very close. This is really a non-factor because she will be 18 soon. He is a job foreman for the company he works for here in NC and makes a good living. I am definitely considered the dependent spouse in this situation. I have already had a brief consultation with an attorney just because of some of the things we have going on currently like the new home.
Yes there is a chance that he may start dating someone during the separation but as far as I can tell & I have investigated thoroughly he did not "step out" prior to leaving. Honestly I have looked all I possibly can, and I cannot drive myself insane trying to figure it out.
Thanks so much for the support, and I am hoping that things over time can be worked out. I do know that he loves me even if he is IN love with me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What did the attorney say about the new home?
I would avoid allowing that sale to go through if at all possible.
You will immeidately lose alot of money if a divorce forces you to sell it soon after closing on it.
What did you do to figure out if he was cheating or not?
Does he let you see his phone, his email, his computer?


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Unfortunately we are too far along in the process to not be sued. It is a modular and the home has been built for weeks and the foundation built. We have been waiting for the weather to clear to put the home on the land. 
Yes I have had access to all of the phone bills, bank accounts, and until recently his email. However he really only uses that for work.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well he finally told me the truth. He is in love with another woman. He started talking to her about 4 months before he left me. He says that he didn't have sex with her until he left.....but really who knows, and who cares at this point. I am so hurt, disappointed, angry, disgusted.....you name it it is all there. She is married too and I am not sure how he expects to carry on this LNG distance le affair when she lives n Texas and he is from NC. 
So devastated!


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Well he finally told me the truth. He is in love with another woman. He started talking to her about 4 months before he left me. He says that he didn't have sex with her until he left.....but really who knows, and who cares at this point. I am so hurt, disappointed, angry, disgusted.....you name it it is all there. She is married too and I am not sure how he expects to carry on this LNG distance le affair when she lives n Texas and he is from NC.
> So devastated!


Sorry to hear that but it was kind of expected 

Use your anger wisely - find how to contact the woman's husband and let him know what's going on...

It might not help to save your marriage but your husband will receive his dose of troubles and maybe it will shake him from his mid-life crisis.

Stay focused and strong.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well apparently the husband knows, but I am still searching for a way to contact him. If that is a lie, as soon as I can find a phone # I will make sure he knows. 
There is a part of me that wants to save my marriage and a part of me that thinks that it cannot be saved. As long as he does not want to work on it then it is a done deal. Right now he is saying he is done. He is saying all the normal things like I haven't been in love with you for a long time. All the romantic trips we have been on in the past couple of years was him trying to be nice.....etc. From what I am reading this is all the classic signs and reactions.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Yes, if you read the stories in Infidelity section - it's pretty much standard behaviour and highly predictable...

You can ask to move your thread into Infidelity section where you can receive tons of practical advice.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Try to find the OW's husband and file for divorce and have him served ASAP!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bookwrmmom said:


> Well he finally told me the truth. He is in love with another woman. He started talking to her about 4 months before he left me. He says that he didn't have sex with her until he left.....but really who knows, and who cares at this point. I am so hurt, disappointed, angry, disgusted.....you name it it is all there. She is married too and I am not sure how he expects to carry on this LNG distance le affair when she lives n Texas and he is from NC.
> So devastated!


Expose the affair


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your marriage can't be fixed while he is in an affair.
It either can or can't be fixed while he is not having an affair.
Therefore, if you have any interest in the "possible" fixing of your marriage, you need to kill the affair.
Exposure to the other husband, your husband's friends, family, your kids etc... That's one method of killing affairs.


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