# Very Confused



## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

Before I married my husband 2 years ago, I lied to him. I know it was the biggest mistake I could have made. It took me 3 months to come clean with him. It was over something that happened before we even met. Anyway he told me we could start over and work on our marriage. I feel he lied to me about it, because we when we argue all he wants to do is drag up my past and make me feel like an outcast. He makes me feel like a prostitute. And this been going on this way now for the two years that we have been married. I understand he doesnt trust me, and I am trying to build the trust back. Then out of the blue he starts making all these sexual comments about a female friend of his and telling me that if we were not married he would try to get her to date him. Now about a week ago he decides that he wants to work on our friendship and not our marriage. We still live like we are married, but I have boundaries that I am not to cross. But he can do what ever he wants. His reasoning for this is he says he is going through a mid life crisis. And he talks to this female friend about our whole situation, even about our sleeping arrangements. He gets mad when he asks how I am doing with it all and I tell him that I am dealing with it,because I said I would, but that is about it. He gets upset when I cry and seems like he is always trying to argue with me. I am so confused and Miserable. I know I did wrong when I lied to him, but what I dont understand is everything else. Is marriage suppose to be this way?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this particular situation and to be honest it is a little convoluted to follow precisely but from what i can gather i think your husband is trying to redefine your marriage.....which i have to tell you is unacceptable, he seems to be dictating the parameters of the marriage which seems to be one sided. I need to ask a couple questions 

can i ask your ages? you mention he is going through mid-life crisis are you both middle age? 
is this the first marriage for both of you? 
how long after you told him did his behavior start?
did what you say effect your sexual relationship with him?
has be acted improperly with this female friend? 
have you sought Marriage counseling or individual counseling ?


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

I apologize for any confusion, im just so confused and have so much thoughts going on in my mind that i cant think straight half the time. I am 36 and he is 41
No this is my 3rd marriage and his 5th
His behavior started the day after our wedding, and has gotten worse since.
For the most part no it has not effected our sexual relationship to my knowledge, he only says something about how he cant get the thought out of his mind at times about some look I supposedly give him. That I might have gave it to others.
I am not sure how he acts with her. I have met her 3 times and he expects me to act like she is my best friend. He says that her father and mother keep telling him that if he wasnt married they would try to get them together. He tells me that if she ever goes through a crisis that he would be with her 24/7 and i would have to except that cause that is what friends do. I have suggested counseling but he refuses, because he doesnt want other people poking their nose in our marriage (his words not mine), I am open to anything that will help us, but I am starting to think it is a lost cause.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would leave this guy, hon. He is not committed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like you're deliberately witholding what the lie was... But he appears to be using whatever that was against you now. Since he's not willing to work on your marriage, I'd guess that you can expect this to at best stay the same for as long as you'll tolerate it. Most likely, it will get worse. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Devoted Wife
I'm having trouble thinking of a lie before you were married about something that happened before you met, that has any significance now. It sounds like you married at 34 - surely he didn't think you had no history before him?

Maybe if you confessed to being a serial killer I could understand. 





Devoted Wife said:


> Before I married my husband 2 years ago, I lied to him. I know it was the biggest mistake I could have made. It took me 3 months to come clean with him. It was over something that happened before we even met. Anyway he told me we could start over and work on our marriage. I feel he lied to me about it, because we when we argue all he wants to do is drag up my past and make me feel like an outcast. He makes me feel like a prostitute. And this been going on this way now for the two years that we have been married. I understand he doesnt trust me, and I am trying to build the trust back. Then out of the blue he starts making all these sexual comments about a female friend of his and telling me that if we were not married he would try to get her to date him. Now about a week ago he decides that he wants to work on our friendship and not our marriage. We still live like we are married, but I have boundaries that I am not to cross. But he can do what ever he wants. His reasoning for this is he says he is going through a mid life crisis. And he talks to this female friend about our whole situation, even about our sleeping arrangements. He gets mad when he asks how I am doing with it all and I tell him that I am dealing with it,because I said I would, but that is about it. He gets upset when I cry and seems like he is always trying to argue with me. I am so confused and Miserable. I know I did wrong when I lied to him, but what I dont understand is everything else. Is marriage suppose to be this way?


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

PBear No I am not withholding what the lie was, I just figure it was my past and didnt need to be relived again for a millionth time.... Ok so that you know My husband asked me how long it had been since I had sex with anyone. I told him a couple of months, when in fact it was about a week before he contacted me. And before any more confusion with that statement. It was a week before my husband even knew I existed. When he asked me why I lied to him, I told him that it was part of my past and I really didnt want to talk about it (My Past) because I made alot of mistakes and was not very proud of them.


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

When he is being a sweet heart he tells me it is because it makes him mad to know that He was not there to protect me through life.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you think he has been married 5 times because he is a stable, sane and kind man?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If that's what your husband is holding against you, I'm nominating him for asshat of the week...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

Yes that is it in a nut shell, just when we argue he just puts a new twist on an old argument. if he start accusing me of things and lieing to him and I tell him I am not. His response every time is prove it, and how do I know what your doing when i am not around. And everytime at the end of the arguement he tells me that I need to fix our marriage, because I broke it on my own without help from him.

No i didnt figure it would be a walk in the park to be married to him, but I made the mistake and trusted him when he said that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Given your feedback and your lie which to be honest is nothing and not even worth mentioning he is clearly not engaged completely in this marriage I would have to second other comments here and tell him he will either stop this relationship (because he does have feelings for her) with her and direct attention to your marriage or it is time to say goodbye....three people in a marriage does not work.


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

I told him that I felt that he was putting his friends before our marriage and problems and that it was going to ruin us. He told me that if I couldnt understand his point then we had a major problem. Here is a quick example of how far south our relationship has gone. He texted her today and told her good morning, and asked her plans. She told him that she was going to the doctor. He asked her if she wanted him to come over afterwards, This I know cause I seen him text it. Then he came to me and told me that she wanted him to come over today so that they could hang. As he went to leave he got mad at me because after telling me that I had boundaries, he asked if I wanted a kiss and I told him no that I was trying to respect his wishes. He told me I was being selfish and I do this to him just to start an argument. He has been gone for about 4 hours now. GRRRRRRRRRR I am so confused just thinking about it makes me want to cry.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

We all have a past. He needs to get over it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You do realize he's likely cheating on you, right?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

I feel that it has gotten way out of hand. It has gotten so bad that when we argue he tells me to pack my stuff and leave. But when I do pack he tells me that I can never come back and that I have no place to go.. Well of course I dont he got me to move out of my home state which is 9 hours away from where I live now. Needless to say the words in our arguments can get pretty hurtful. Yes I admit that I can say some pretty mean things myself but I never throw his past up in his face. but for the most part I passify him and that in itself irritates him.


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

I feel that he is cheating on my also, but he thinks i am stupid or something, cause he tells me that he would never be unfaithful to me... Just cause I am a woman he thinks I am stupid, again his words not mine. I feel that I am pretty smart. My step son and I talk about this friend and my husband and according to my step son there has been some pretty hot and heavy stuff told to him. But of course my husband says that he only says stuff like that to see how fast it will get back to me and if everyone believes it. Yeah ok I may have been born at night but not last night. I have never once thought about steping out on my husband never have never will just wish he would be honest with me and stop all the hurtful needless nonsense or atleast help me understand why he is doing it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Devoted Wife said:


> I am 36 and he is 41... this is my 3rd marriage and his 5th...





Devoted Wife said:


> No i didnt figure it would be a walk in the park to be married to him, but I made the mistake and trusted him when *he said that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work.*


DW... Respectfully... Seeing as how -- at 41 years of age -- he is on his *FIFTH MARRIAGE*, it's very likely that he has no clue on how to make a marriage work.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you putting up with it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Devoted......I am with guy...can you see why he has been married 5 times? He is a man who is extremely selfish and abusive....do your self worth a favor and leave him....you must have family that is willing to come get you and your belongings and move back...it's not a crime to make a mistake....the crime is living with it....I wish you well.


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

I guess because I am totally inlove with my husband and I guess someday he will change. And maybe it wont all be my fault somehow.


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## Devoted Wife (Jul 23, 2014)

But then on the other hand I am so tired of crying and be confused and made to feel like it is all my fault.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Devoted Wife said:


> I feel that he is cheating on my also, but he thinks i am stupid or something, cause he tells me that he would never be unfaithful to me... Just cause I am a woman he thinks I am stupid, again his words not mine. I feel that I am pretty smart. My step son and I talk about this friend and my husband and according to my step son there has been some pretty hot and heavy stuff told to him. But of course my husband says that he only says stuff like that to see how fast it will get back to me and if everyone believes it. Yeah ok I may have been born at night but not last night. I have never once thought about steping out on my husband never have never will just wish he would be honest with me and stop all the hurtful needless nonsense or atleast help me understand why he is doing it.


 Wait...WHAT? He tells hot and heavy stuff to his SON? About someone other than his wife, yeah you should really want to hang on to this guy. Besides 5 marriages at 41, his behavior with his son tells you what kind of man he is. What exactly are you finding about him to love? I am truly curious.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Devoted Wife said:


> When he is being a sweet heart he tells me it is because it makes him mad to know that He was not there to protect me through life.


What a load of crap! How exactly is he protecting you NOW that you are his wife? He's not. He's hurting you, and enjoying himself while doing it. He's dating another woman right in front of your face. He couldn't be any more obvious about it without bringing her into your bedroom!

Wake up before you waste any more time with this asshat. Life is too short to waste on someone who is just out for himself at your expense.

Pack up your stuff and drive back home. You don't need him.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Devoted... you can not carry this marriage on your own any more than you could carry the weight of the world on your shoulder, your marriage any marriage requires a partnership of two individuals to come together and establish a bond sealed with the belief that you both are greater together then apart, unfortunately he seems to treasure this friend with greater importance then your marriage. instead of taking center stage in his life you are in the wings, is that where you want to be? 
i think of the line from Othello...
"One that loved not wisely but too well"


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I am seconding PBear's motion that he receive the asshat of the week award.

This guy is a *********..you need to leave him and you know it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Devoted Wife said:


> I guess because I am totally inlove with my husband and I guess someday he will change. And maybe it wont all be my fault somehow.


This is called "denial".

You are not going to change him, once you accept that then maybe you will look at this situation realistically.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This is called "denial".
> 
> You are not going to change him, once you accept that then maybe you will look at this situation realistically.


Yes, this. And "look at the situation realistically" includes taking a long, hard look at yourself and why you are on your third marriage with a loser.

Your man-picker is broken, which means there is something within you that is attracted to dysfunctional men and attracts dysfunctional men. You need to understand what that is, so that you can take steps to make yourself healthier. You won't end up in a healthy relationship unless you are healthy - that's when you attract healthy men who are capable of a healthy relationship, AND that's also when you become attracted to healthy men instead of the losers.

Some individual therapy might go a long way to helping you see your own patterns which cause you to fall for unhealthy men.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nothing wrong with admitting your mistake (marrying him) and returning to your home state. Because the odds he will wake up one day and be what you want are minimal at best. And, yes, he appears to be cheating on you. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sorry but I can also understand why you have been married three times.,.


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. This man sounds like a predator. Making you ashamed of who you were or are, calling out your lie each time, dragging your past into every fight gives him power over you. It makes him feel superior to you, makes him feel better about himself. This divide between you will just grow, and eventually cause you become resentful. If you start standing up for your dignity, he will say more hurtful things to you. He seeks to control you, knowing that you are so much in love with him.

Everyone arrives at the truth sooner or later. You will too. When that happens, know that doors will open for you, there will be people who are willing to help. But you have to earn it. Identify weaknesses in your character and strive to remove them. Go for counseling/therapy to get help with your issues. Reach out to people who you think will help you, financially as well as with moral support, whether family or friend. Seek out organizations that help victims of domestic violence. Start looking for a job, or try to acquire skills that will help you land a decent job. Start preparing your escape bag, keep in it things you will need if you decide to walk out or need to escape from his violence. Handouts are not easily given out, you will have to be worthy of people's trust, so work on building your relationships. Start putting money aside, try to put aside enough for at least 6 months. Prepare for the future now. Life on your own May be challenging, but you will have your dignity and peace of mind.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Devoted wife said*: I have met her 3 times and he expects me to act like she is my best friend. *He says that her father and mother keep telling him that if he wasnt married they would try to get them together. *He tells me that if she ever goes through a crisis that he would be with her 24/7 and i would have to except that cause that is what friends do.


Ok this right here has to be the biggest line of BS ever....He has been married 5 times.. Lord what a Catch he is.. women are just lining up so they can be another EX wife to this joker....seriously! ....Her parents did not say this..

Some are such philanders, they really have no business getting married.. His holding these things over your head.. laughable.. 

I'm with all the others.. pack your bags.. This is his weasely way to hold something over your head, is that the best he can do!!!


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