# Emotional (verbal) manipulation(abuse)



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Not really a certain thread for this subject, but I was looking up books today on affairs, and decided to look at verbal manipulation. 

The info from these books hit home with me. I am ordering one of them. My husband likes to make me "feel guilty" or demeans me to get me to do things for him, or at least "his way" He makes a lot more money than I do, so that is what he tries to use mostly for "leverage"......... 

He tries to make "jokes", yet they are said in a hurtful way to me....... and then gets upset if I don't smile or laugh with him.
If I tell him that it hurts my feelings, he automatically shakes his head and does the silent treatment, saying how "oh , now we can't even play games or have fun with each other"....

I am not a strong inner person anyway, so now I wonder if I am just "attracted" to controlling men, obviously cheaters as well...........


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Numb in Ohio said:


> He tries to make "jokes", yet they are said in a hurtful way to me....... and then gets upset if I don't smile or laugh with him.
> If I tell him that it hurts my feelings, he automatically shakes his head and does the silent treatment, saying how "oh , now we can't even play games or have fun with each other"....


my H does this, too. or used too. i just tell him every time that it hurts my feelings and i will distance myself from him. sometimes he will say, 'i was just joking' etc but i wont say anything after that. there's no reason to discuss it.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Some men can be naturally dominant so you need to put your foot firmly down in the beginning, not to take their role as a man away from them, but so they don't think you're underneath them. Marriage is a partnership. Every joke has an element of truth in it. Hurtful is hurtful, no matter how you disguise it.

I think some women can be attracted to controlling men. If you had high self esteem and self worth, you wouldn't stand for anyone manipulating or putting you down. The best way to break the cycle of being with the same type of man who bullies or cheats is to be without a man for awhile and on your own to get your independence and self worth back. And the golden rule is to never take a man back into your life until you feel you have that inner strength. If you take a man back on feeling lonely and vunerable, you will only attract the same type again.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

I dated some guy who EA/VA'd me and I read some books and web sites. When I saw the lists of things abusers do and ticked them off, it was a real relief to see that I wasn't crazy and there was a word for what he was doing.

That was just DATING some guy. I wasn't even living with him and the relationship didn't last that long. It still messed with my head. I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like that. I still scare myself with thoughts of "what if I'd had his baby and was stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life??" Whew! Scary stuff.

Anyway, there are some really good web sites and forums just for verbal/emotional abuse. I remember finding it helpful to go somewhere and have my POV validated over even trivial things. I encourage you to check out the web sites and forums and get some support there, as well as here.

xoxo


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I was looking at websites on it,,, now I think I have pinpointed his issue. I looked at the signs of a "narcissist" and this fits him to a tee.

I am ordering a book on it, and will discuss the issue with my IC too. I am going to see if I can get him to write out "his" version of his EA's to me, from the start. 

He says he is not willing to go to MC, so thought I could convince him to write out his side of the story and see how that compares to what he had told me.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I looked at the signs of a "narcissist" and this fits him to a tee.


Numb, while you are reading about NPD, you may also want to check out BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). BPD and NPD traits are largely the same because they overlap in many respects. As I understand it, there are three major differences between BPD and NPD. 

First, whereas NPDers are emotionally stable, BPDers are not. This instability is why BPDers flip back and forth between loving and hating you and do much more of the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. That flip usually occurs in ten seconds based on some innocuous thing you said or did. Once a person has been subjected to this cycle a dozen times -- being alternately adored and hated -- she starts feeling like an addict who is alternating between heroine highs one day and heroine withdrawal pains the next.

This is why a BPDer relationship is considered so addictive and toxic. And this is why the most distinguishing hallmark of a BPDer relationship is strong feeling of the nonBPD partner that she is losing her mind. It therefore is very common for the partners to go running to a therapist to find out if they are going crazy. Although the partners of narcissists also are treated abusively, it is unusual for them to feel they are going crazy.

Second, although NPDers also do the push-pull (but to a lesser extent), they do not do it because of altering between the abandonment fear and engulfment fear like BPDers. Rather, the NPDers typically do it because, once you return to them, they lose interest in you and start taking you for granted -- i.e., they do not feel engulfed like the BPDers. Like the BPDers, NPDers can rage in response to your comments. Yet, the rage usually is in response to your disagreeing with them, thus refusing to validate their false image of being a person who is always right. In contrast, the BPDers get furious when you say anything triggering their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

Third, whereas BPDers typically are caring individuals who actually can love you (albeit in a very impaired and immature manner), NPDers are not truly caring and do not love you. Instead, they consider you a useful object when you are supporting their false self image and a non-useful object when you are not supportive.

If you would like to read more about typical BPD traits, I suggest you read my discussion of them in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Numb.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Not really a certain thread for this subject, but I was looking up books today on affairs, and decided to look at verbal manipulation.
> 
> The info from these books hit home with me. I am ordering one of them. My husband likes to make me "feel guilty" or demeans me to get me to do things for him, or at least "his way" He makes a lot more money than I do, so that is what he tries to use mostly for "leverage".........
> 
> ...


I could swear I wrote this, seriously. STBXH, aka Lieceratops, did/said the very exact things. When I turned 40 his "joke" was telling me that it was time to trade me in for 2 20's!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> I could swear I wrote this, seriously. STBXH, aka Lieceratops, did/said the very exact things. When I turned 40 his "joke" was telling me that it was time to trade me in for 2 20's!


Ok,,,, yeah, are we married to the same man lol.... Mine says the same thing to his friends......


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Whenever I am on this forum, it is necessary for me to link this article once, or twice, or ten times. It explains the different personalities/disorders of abusive men and how they exert their brand of control.

Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

River,, I really liked the link you provided. It explained a lot. 

I bookmarked the page so I can refer back to it... even though I think the only outcome will be for us is to D....

Found out about more "indescrestions" of his which doesn't help the issue any......


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