# Family Hierarchy



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Spouse, 100%. You have to -- THAT is YOUR primary relationship. Your kids are your responsibility to teach to become responsible adults, but they will leave eventually, and you will still have your spouse. If you haven't prioritized that relationship, when the kids leave, what do you have left?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's a Trap! and you forgot the pet.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> It's a Trap! and you forgot the pet.


Not me.

My kids. My wife - now s-wife - had a choice. They did not.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Spouse, 100%. You have to -- THAT is YOUR primary relationship. Your kids are your responsibility to teach to become responsible adults, but they will leave eventually, and you will still have your spouse. If you haven't prioritized that relationship, when the kids leave, what do you have left?



I think this is the right answer in a truly healthy family dynamic. 

But you always hear about how love for your children is unconditional. Yet we put all sorts of conditions on the love for a spouse. If they cheat on me...if they hit me...if they stop showering me with attention or affection. And many simply fall out of love with their spouse out of no fault of their spouse. Ive never heard of parents falling out of love with their kids out of no fault of their kids. Divorce is very high, but you can't divorce your children.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Spouse. Always. And the kids know it. 

Sent from my BLA-A09 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I think this is the right answer in a truly healthy family dynamic.
> 
> But you always hear about how love for your children is unconditional. Yet we put all sorts of conditions on the love for a spouse. If they cheat on me...if they hit me...if they stop showering me with attention or affection.


A marriage is a relationship between adults. Adults have responsibilities and are expected to behave well.. not cheat, not be abusive, work to maintain the relationship.

In a strong family, the parents (spouses) are the foundation on which the entire family relies. So that relationship comes first.

But like a home, if the foundation cracks, the house falls down.

Love between adults is seldom unconditional. The closest it gets is if the adults are from the same family of origin. But between spouse? Nope, there is no reason that it should be unconditional. That sets a person up to be mistreated, disrespected, abused, etc. if they happen to marry the wrong person.



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> And many simply fall out of love with their spouse out of no fault of their spouse. Ive never heard of parents falling out of love with their kids out of no fault of their kids. Divorce is very high, but you can't divorce your children.


There are plenty of parents who fall out of love with their children, or never love them. Look at homeless children. That's just one group of children with parents who do not love them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I think this is the right answer in a truly healthy family dynamic.
> 
> But you always hear about how love for your children is unconditional. Yet we put all sorts of conditions on the love for a spouse. If they cheat on me...if they hit me...if they stop showering me with attention or affection. And many simply fall out of love with their spouse out of no fault of their spouse. Ive never heard of parents falling out of love with their kids out of no fault of their kids. Divorce is very high, but you can't divorce your children.


Actually not true -- I've seen folks who have dropped contact with their kids due to things the kids have done (heart breaking, but ...). My son deals with issues of children every day (social worker) where the parents are abusers, or otherwise neglect the children.

I don't think ANY love is unconditional -- we are all humans with human failings after all, so I don't think we have any "pure" love where anything and everything is forgiven. I think THAT is why you seen the "conditions" you mention -- cheating, falling out of love, etc.. We are imperfect in our ability to love -- if not, our spouse WOULDN'T cheat, fall out of love, stop giving affection, etc...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


There is nothing my daughter could do that would stop me from loving her. 
My partner not so much I’m afraid.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My kids comes first. I love them always, I may not like them at certain moments but I will always love them.

The love of my husband is conditional on all the things that makes you love and adore a spouse and partner. The same will apply for his love for me.

We have spoken of this and understand that we love our kids above each other. This is very comforting to me to know my husband love our kids as I do. And our kids are happy to know we love them so much. As my DD said, her dad is her blood and even if he does not love me. He has to love her.😁


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is answer for one's first and current spouse and both are the biological parents.

Spouse. Has to be.

I always say hey boys I've known and loved your mother longer than you, and I married her as an adult, intentionally.

😍 so although I love you all I will always take your Mother's side in all disagreements barring she's killed one of you. And even that's iffy for you.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


I think it's a complicated question. Obviously the love you have for a spouse is different than the love for a child. I think when kids are young as a couple you put the kids first in many ways because it is what life requires. Hopefully you do so because it is a shared priority between the two of you and you view the kids as a result of the love the two of you have. My wife and I have always made our relationship a significant priority in our lives, but we base a lot of decisions on what is best for the kids on a day to day basis. However we also keep in mind that we have another 50 years together so we never let each other slip down the ladder.

I guess one way to put it is loving your kids is part of the love you share. So the love you have for them should add to the love between spouses, not take away from or replace.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I wasn't aware I was supposed to choose?

To me, this is a false dilemma. With three children now grown and on their own, I can honestly look back and say I never had to prioritize in this way. I was never not able to give all the love and attention necessary to my wife _and _my children. 

Any perception of conflict between these needs was just that... a perception, not an actual conflict. Doing what is right for one _is _doing what is right for all in a family and vice versa.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


I love all equally. However, my spouse always comes first.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


I love my spouse and my children the same. My love can't be measured.

When I had 1 child I didn't know how I would be able to love a 2nd child. I thought all my love was used up. When I was pregnant with the 2nd, I didn't know how I'd have enough love for a 3rd, and so forth.

Love is not something that is finite. Miraculously, when more love is needed, it pours from the heart.

Now if your question is eluding to who would I believe or stand up for first (in an ideal world) the answer is my spouse. He is an adult and has nothing to gain from lying about one of the children.

Even the best of children will manipulate, try to pit one parent against the other and lie to attempt to get their way.

So I will always believe my spouse and stand by him over one of the children, as much as I love them all.

My children are growing up and wanting to be out on their own and make their own decisions and lives. They love me, but they love their own lives more. That is the way it is supposed to be. Sadly, my husband has always favored the children (over me), and he also cheated. So I feel like I am losing my children, and don't have a husband either.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Kids every time. I see my brother choose women (spouses) over the well being of his child on a regular basis and it has devastating consequences. 

E.g Mum doesn't want to go on holiday with her child because 'she' needs a break. Dad capitulates for an easy life. Daughter was 16 before she went on her first holiday because 'Mum' decided she was finally well-behaved enough to not bother her. I could go on but I won't...

In healthy relationships there shouldn't be a hierarchy as such. Families work as a type of team and we teach our children about compromise, selflessness and mutual respect. With unhealthy relationships and people, the children tend to take the brunt of seflishness because they can't defend themselves and one parent is too weak or co-dependent to protect them properly.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Two different types of love. I wouldn't say I love my wife more, but I do prioritize our relationship above mine and the kids. Simply because a healthy parent/child relationship takes much less work than a healthy husband and wife relationship. I also think it sets a good example for the kids to watch their parents continue to put in the work necessary to keep a marriage happy. Especially in tough situations, which we've faced. 

But even that is situational depending on the circumstances. Sometimes the kids take priority, sometimes us.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

You love people differently, it's not something you can easily compare. But if you MUST have a priority, it's usually children, since a spouse can handle his/herself as an adult, while children, particularly younger children need more attention. 

Also consider this. Spouses can get divorced, and even remarry. There is no divorcing children; they are still your children for life no matter what.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Two different types of love. I wouldn't say I love my wife more, but I do prioritize our relationship above mine and the kids. Simply because a healthy parent/child relationship takes much less work than a healthy husband and wife relationship. I also think it sets a good example for the kids to watch their parents continue to put in the work necessary to keep a marriage happy. Especially in tough situations, which we've faced.
> 
> But even that is situational depending on the circumstances. Sometimes the kids take priority, sometimes us.



Exactly. And I will say one of the most basic senses of security I had growing up was seeing the way my parents loved each other.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who do put ahead in your love priority hierarchy? Your spouse or your kids?


Your self. You must love your self before you love others.


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