# Just needed some advice about separation and this other guy



## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

For the past year or so things between my husband and i went very sour. We tried for about a year to work on things, but we couldn't fix the distance that had grown between us and fell out of love.

Around christmas i got talking to this guy on a meetup group i run. It was all very friendly and then we became friends on fb. He too had been through a separation and then divorce so he became someone i confided in a bit the more we spoke and we get on very well. The more i spoke to this guy and felt drawn to him the more i thought things with my husband and i just needed to end. One particular day i went to sit down with him and tell him and he actually came out and just said we need to end things i think it is for the best, so we separated. I never really feel like i have been with a guy who has truly treated me right or i have been made to feel special by. I think this is part of why i started to feel drawn to this other guy, he paid me attention that i had lacked for so long.

We continued speaking for a few weeks but he was away for a business trip. We got very carried away with our contact and we started to speak on the phone daily also. I think i put him on a bit of a pedestal. We appeared to have all the same interests and views on everything, we laughed about all the same things, and it just felt very natural and comfortable. I felt an extreme connection and all the things i appear to want in a guy (qualities, personality traits, physical attraction from pictures, he fitted). 

After he got back into town i felt things changed a bit. His flirting died down a lot, but every once in a while he would still say things that made me think he was interested. We still spoke daily and we had said from the very beginning that when he was back in town we should meet up. He contacted me one particular day and suggested meeting for dinner, which we did. In person i felt extremely shy and nervous. I think it was because i had put such high expectations on it and was so worried he wouldn't like me. Conversation between us was okay and after the meal we went back to his apartment for 4 hours. During this time we cuddled and he asked me if i felt he treated me nicer than my ex as he knows a lot of how my ex treated me. I thought this was a good sign and showed interest on his part in wanting me to feel treated nicely by him. 

Nothing else happened between us and after the date i went home. We still continued daily after that to talk which of course still gave me hope, and then one day he came out and told me he just wanted to be friends. He told me that he finds me incredibly attractive (which i do believe because he tells me this all the time), but he did not feel a spark between us on the date. I thought it was a bit of a snap decision because it was the first date, and i wanted us to spend more time together and go on more dates because i feel like people are always a bit nervous on the first date, and then after meeting once relax a bit, but i told him that for whatever reason i guess he had made his mind up and i couldn't change it so fair enough. He said he really likes me as a person and wants to be friends and still see each other. He also felt it necessary to tell me if i ever wanted a bit of the other he would be up for that (so very nice of him).

We have still continued to talk daily, and the other day he proceeded to tell me all about this girl back in his hometown who he really likes but she is with someone. He said that if she was willing to leave her boyfriend, he would go back to his hometown in a heartbeat to be with her. I felt this was a bit of a smack in the face seems i like him, and after him telling me about it i had to take a bit of time because i didn't want to go back and say something i regretted or get annoyed about it. I told him that i really hope that they end up together if that is who he wants because he is a lovely guy and i would like to see him happy, but it was a bit inconsiderate to my feelings to which he said he was very sorry and has a big mouth and didn't think and shouldn't have said it. I then said to him it is good though that he told me because it helps me get over liking him knowing that he likes another girl so much and would make me wary of pursuing anything with him, to which he seemed to not like me saying too much. I said to him what does it matter to you if you see no potential with me to which he said "I guess it doesn't, i see potential but i don't think we are going to act on it because it isn't enough for me." 

Over the weekend i decided not to message, and he never messaged me either and now i am just left feeling pretty upset. I know this sounds really trivial and i am not sure why i am taking it so hard that he said he just wants to be friends. I really wasn't expecting to meet anyone right now, and i started to get attached due to how much we have in common, only for him to do a complete 360 on me, and i am not sure what is best now.

He is on my fb and i always want to talk to him whenever he is online like we always have done, but at the same time continuing to talk isn't helping me either. I am not sure if he said he just wanted to be friends to deliver the not interested news in a nicer way, and really has no intentions of staying friends. I am not sure if i am just lonely and longing for that special someone i have never seemed to find, and he seemed to fit what i wanted to perfectly only for the fantasy to not be real at all. I don't really have many people to talk to so thought i would share this here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi Picas, when someone is fresh out of a marriage, whether they're ok with the marriage ending or not, they're very vulnerable. They've likely been lonely in the marriage for some time, perhaps lacking physical intimacy and are craving it, and often develop very strong feelings for the first person who comes along.

This guy, having been through it himself, probably knows this and once he'd had some time apart from you realised he didn't want to be your rebound (for want of a better word). He's probably realised that you're nowhere near ready to date right now.

And he's right - even if you don't know it yourself. You need to deal with the end of your marriage, and then take some time to smell the roses and find out what you really want in your next relationship. This time is all about YOU. Focus on you, spoil yourself, do something you've always wanted to do but never had the chance - this is YOUR TIME. 

Enjoy it xx


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

Thank you. I appreciate your feedback, although i am not sure why he felt the need to tell me about this other girl AND let me know sex was an option. I also lack friends so i wouldn't mind being friends with the guy, but i am not sure if this is something he merely just said to be nice and doesn't actually mean it. I constantly desire to talk to him. It is pretty bizarre.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

picas8 said:


> Thank you. I appreciate your feedback, although i am not sure why he felt the need to tell me about this other girl AND let me know sex was an option. I also lack friends so i wouldn't mind being friends with the guy, but i am not sure if this is something he merely just said to be nice and doesn't actually mean it. I constantly desire to talk to him. It is pretty bizarre.


I was single for a time after divorce....trust me, most men would be willing to have a FWB arrangement! It was offered to me more than once! Always after I said I didn't want a relationship with that person, which makes it even weirder.

This guy is not the right person for you. It was insensitive to bring up the girl, but I think he honestly thought you were already securely in the friend zone and didn't do it to hurt you. 

There will be others....just take your time and try not to rush into anything.


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

Thank you. How do you think i should go about things if he actually suggests meeting or continues talking to me?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

picas8 said:


> Thank you. How do you think i should go about things if he actually suggests meeting or continues talking to me?


If you're not OK just being friends with him and nothing more, I'd delete him from FB and just not respond. If he demands to know why just tell him you've been a. busy, b. dating someone or c. "who are you again?" 

If you feel like you can be just friends with him, go for it. Never hurts to have a good platonic male friend to bounce dating issues off, etc.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just tell him, "No thanks. I just need some time by myself, to figure out what I want and where my life is heading....You understand." Period. 

It's normal to form an attachment like that. And it's normal that he isn't into it. At least he didn't take advantage of you... he was honest. Step back from him. Take care of yourself. 

And be careful. Wary even. It's hard to trust yourself after divorce. So when a guy is real nice.... it's easy to fall. But you have to go into whatever you do with your eyes wide open. Nice is good....but there is more to it than that. 

Take your time.


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

Yeah my emotions are definitely so very up and down. I probably even led him on saying for a few days i think i was okay with a FWB situation and maybe this was what i needed. I then told him i thought it was a bad idea days later and i would end up hurt due to my feelings. I am very up and down right now. I wouldn't mind being friends with him but i don't really know how to know whether he actually wants to be friends or just said that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

IF you need something solid here.... ask him. Y'all are both adults. You can ask if he would like to just be friends and yap or hang out now and then, or if that would be weird. He's been honest so far...so maybe you'll get what you need...an answer either way.

But ask yourself also if you are going to be ok just being friends with him..... considering the emotional stuff going on right now. If he meets another girl, are you going to be ok with that? If either of you meet someone, you may have to give up the "separation time friend" for the new relationship. It happens. Just be ok with yourself. Do whats good for YOU.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SunnyT said:


> IF you need something solid here.... ask him. Y'all are both adults. You can ask if he would like to just be friends and yap or hang out now and then, or if that would be weird. He's been honest so far...so maybe you'll get what you need...an answer either way.
> 
> But ask yourself also if you are going to be ok just being friends with him..... considering the emotional stuff going on right now. If he meets another girl, are you going to be ok with that? If either of you meet someone, you may have to give up the "separation time friend" for the new relationship. It happens. Just be ok with yourself. Do whats good for YOU.


I agree with all of this and also with what Sunny said up-thread. It's really hard to trust yourself right now. You'd actually be smart to completely NOT trust yourself and maybe get a close friend to make dating decisions for you! Spoken from experience.....


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

It kind of sucks when what you seek you THINK you have found only for it to not be that way at all. I think it is kind of strange how he wasn't willing to hang out some more and get to know me, ,maybe even go on more dates, but he has his reasons i guess. He says he wants to hang out. I suggested one night to which he said he couldn't, so i am not suggesting again and will let him if he truly wants to be friends. It is hard but i am not going to reach out anymore. He knows where to find me if he wants to.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your husband know that things are definitely "over" between the two of you and that you are pursuing another man ? How were things left with him ?

Have you really put your marriage to bed properly ?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The guys been playing you. He just got divorced and he wants to play the field. He's already admitted to trying to break up another couple. That's just wrong. The question now is has he told you the truth about anything. The reason he drew back is you didn't give it up the first date.

Run from this one.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

picas8 said:


> Thank you. I appreciate your feedback, although i am not sure why he felt the need to tell me about this other girl AND let me know sex was an option. I also lack friends so i wouldn't mind being friends with the guy, but i am not sure if this is something he merely just said to be nice and doesn't actually mean it. I constantly desire to talk to him. It is pretty bizarre.


I see someone who is looking for no strings attached if you are willing hence the "sex was an option" statement. But, for what it is worth, he threw it out there to see what he would catch. As for the "friends" statement I do not see being friends as a viable option since you are looking for more and he appears to be looking for a friend with possible benefits. No, it is not bizarre that you want to talk with him, after all, you have sent in your mind for something more with him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> The guys been playing you. He just got divorced and he wants to play the field. He's already admitted to trying to break up another couple. That's just wrong. The question now is has he told you the truth about anything. The reason he drew back is you didn't give it up the first date.
> 
> Run from this one.


Big BINGO!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

picas8 said:


> It kind of sucks when what you seek you THINK you have found only for it to not be that way at all. I think it is kind of strange how he wasn't willing to hang out some more and get to know me, ,maybe even go on more dates, but he has his reasons i guess. He says he wants to hang out. I suggested one night to which he said he couldn't, so i am not suggesting again and will let him if he truly wants to be friends.* It is hard but i am not going to reach out anymore. He knows where to find me if he wants to.*


Excellent plan. However, I do not believe this individual is worth the effort. He is chasing a M woman in another state. He is all for the casual sex if well...that is what you want...hint hint. Let's be friends with benefits. Meanwhile he is looking at the woman sitting behind you at the adjacent table at the restaurant. Just friends after all right? Run!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Hi Picas, when someone is fresh out of a marriage, whether they're ok with the marriage ending or not, they're very vulnerable. They've likely been lonely in the marriage for some time, perhaps lacking physical intimacy and are craving it, and often develop very strong feelings for the first person who comes along.
> 
> This guy, having been through it himself, probably knows this and once he'd had some time apart from you realised he didn't want to be your rebound (for want of a better word). He's probably realised that you're nowhere near ready to date right now.
> 
> ...


*Picas: Frusdil hit the proverbial nail right squarely on the head. I really can't offer much commentary other than for you to consider yourself as lucky. Your "Johnny Come Lately" that hooked up with you on FB, was preeminently using you as a "Plan B" girlfriend just in case his "Plan A" one fell through. That is why you were so suddenly "friend-zoned!" It could have been so much more worse had he charmed you into his bed for a self-serving quick piece at your expense, and then broke your heart right afterward!

Take time to reflect on yourself, make the appropriate decision as to whether you want to divorce, or even reconcile in your married relationship, or whatever! But right now, this alone time should be for you! Enjoy it as such, and do not entertain rushing into a new relationship out of neediness or lonliness, not until your current relationship is deemed to be over and done with!*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You should not be pursuing another man while still married. If you and your husband decide to divorce, give yourself some time to find yourself again before dating. You are very vulnerable at this time in your life.

There are men who pursue and sleep with married women. I knew one in college. I asked him as to why he targeted married women. He said that married women are experienced in bed and is not his responsibility. I'm no longer a friend of this man as this demonstrates his character as one who takes advantage of vulnerable women. I was single in college.

Don't contact this man anymore. He is not of good character. If you wish to have a lasting relationship, seek a man with a good character who will care and love you.


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

The story gets better. He told me he has actually been seeing someone for the last week! This guy is definitely a game player and playing the field. I am glad i know all of this because it has made me never want to pursue anything with him, and i am lucky i didn't fall into anything had he strung me along for a longer period of time.

As far as my husband goes we are separated and it is 100 percent over. This guy then proceeded to get irritated when i told him about this other guy who has been pursuing me. Very strange!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

When he didn't try to have sex with you at his apartment that night, it's because he lost attraction, and his actions afterward support it.

When something like this happens, even though it's right in front of your face, you continue to try to find another answer. Time to move on. He doesn't want to be friends either. 

Good luck!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He sounds like a shallow dudball, to be perfectly honest.

Thank your lucky stars that he showed you who he really is long before you were head over heels. I would stop talking to him altogether, delete him on FB. You don't need his constant chatter which is not productive for your own healing post-marriage breakup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

So there is a new development in this story lol. The other day he asked if i wanted to hang out. We met for dinner and had a really nice evening. He bought my dinner, and i bought a couple of rounds of drinks. We had great conversation, and a great laugh. We sat outside after we ate as the restaurant has a nice outside area, and we exchanged many looks between us where you sort of just look at each other and smile. Nothing happened between us, and at the end of the night he hugged me and said he had a lovely time. We continue to talk as we always have which is very friendly. I am very confused as this point. Maybe he does actually want to be friends.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is the thing, if he doesn't feel the spark and he has his eyes set on someone else, really there is nothing you can do about it but let him go and seek that spark he is looking for. Perhaps it wasn't you at all but he has his eyes on this other girl. As long as his interests lie somewhere else he cannot give to you. That is hard but you deserve a man that wants to be with you. Enjoy the friendship, it's always nice to have a male friend and continue to date other men.


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## picas8 (Jan 26, 2015)

I agree. I guess i just get a bit confused at his behavior, especially when he kept looking at me and smiling. I could tell there was/is attraction by the looks as you can kind of read between the lines, although he never made a move.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

He has the hots for someone else and is filling his time with you.

You are needing attention and am looking for it in the wrong areas.

Walk away from this guy and figure out where you ****ed up your marriage.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

picas8 said:


> I agree. I guess i just get a bit confused at his behavior, especially when he kept looking at me and smiling. I could tell there was/is attraction by the looks as you can kind of read between the lines, although he never made a move.


I'm sorry but I guess I see things differently from everyone else. He is being up front with you, not hideing anything really. He sees it as you two dating, getting to know each other. At the same time, you are still married so he is not going to fully commit to you. He sounds like he has the impression it's O.K. to see other people as you two are in the dating realm now. Having recently been where this guy is, I can tell you it's important to find the right person, it sounds like he is keeping his options open in that pursuit. I do not see him as a bad guy at all.

I say just take things slow, that means you date other men too once you are divorced, but if you are that into him, tell him. Tell him you don't want to hear about other women as you have developed feelings for him.


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