# Ladies, did I handle the situation okay?



## CuddleBug

Mrs.CuddleBug and I have a cat who is about 13 to 14 years old now. She usually never gets sick, is lean and is still very active.

A day ago, our cat couldn't keep her food down and puked up whenever she ate. She does get hairballs like all cats do and occasionally does puke up.

That Saturday, I was up early, went to the nursery across town, got some lilac's, dug the big holes (nasty rocks and roots), planted, pruned and cleaned up everything (5 hours). Then I grocery shopped, picked up a package from UPS, got toilet handle assemblies to fix both toilets, and recycled. (2 hours). During this time, Mrs.CuddleBug is crying, very upset about our cat being sick, what should I do? I told her, if you feel she is that sick, take her to the vet. 1.5 hours later, she is still here, crying, what should I do? I am very tired at this point and again I tell her, take our cat to the vet!!! She finally does this but gets mad at me for not taking the cat myself or going with her. Yet I had 7 hours of chores and errands to do on my day off and she had basically nothing to do on her day off.

See, Mrs.CuddleBug is a very emotionally sensitive woman, were as I am not a very emotional guy. Her super sensitive emotions totally overwhelm me and I go crazy. I told her, next time, something like this happens, I will give her a long hug, listen a bit and leave her be because if she transfers all this onto me, I go crazy and she feels great but I get no sex multiple times to then get that out of my system. See?


How could I or should I of handled this better?


Oh, I've fed the cat this morning a little bit and now some more and no puking it up, but she is tired and has slept a lot. Probably just sick but we are taking her to get her teeth done and get blood work done.


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## catfan

For me personally the cat would be priority number one, but my username is clear about that  Also I'm a schooled animal caretaker.
Puking is normal for a cat, as you already stated, for hairball removal. If the cat doesn't seem ill besides the puking, I wouldn't rush to the vet for the first day, if it lasts longer, I surely would.

So she observing the cat and you doing other tasks seems fine to me. Maybe you could have called once in a while about the cat? Just to show you care.

So I think it's all fine, someone was there to monitor the cat's situation. But as she is getting older, I surely would get a check up. A lot of elderly cats get kidney faillure that might make them feel sick... 

You don't have to be there, being emotional together, this doesn't help the cat at all. But letting her know you care, by calling or something, must make her feel you are involved and care


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## CuddleBug

See, I was outside in our backyard for 5 hours working. My wifee was inside, watching tv, on her laptop, the phone and watching the cat getting very upset. She did come out a few times and I listened but she wouldn't take the cat to the vet and expected me to do it while I was working and she was basically relaxing. That got me angry.

I guess after the dentist work and then blood work, we'll know if she is still healthy or sick and dying.

I agree with you though, probably just a big hairball that took longer to get our of her system. She hasn't puked at all this morning but is sleeping more than she normally would do.


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## SailBadTheSinner

I love animals. I'd have stopped what I was doing, taken the cat to the vet and returned. AND then I would have expected the wife to get off her butt and help in our yard at our house.

If you dont ask, you won't get.


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## mablenc

I'm going to side with you CB, if it was that important to her she would have dropped everything and rushed him to the vet. If she could not emotionally, she should have traded places with you and finished the yard work while you took the cat to the vet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken

Your wife should have asked you to accompany her to the vet‘s office if that‘s what she wanted to do. As her husband, you should have gone with for emotional support if that‘s what she needed. However, since she didn‘t express her needs until after the fact, there isn‘t much you could‘ve done differently.

Neither of you are mind readers. I hope the cat is okay.


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## TiggyBlue

mablenc said:


> I'm going to side with you CB, if it was that important to her she would have dropped everything and rushed him to the vet. If she could not emotionally, she should have traded places with you and finished the yard work while you took the cat to the vet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## CuddleBug

I totally agree with everyone that my wifee should of just taken the cat to the vet right away, instead of doing nothing for a few hours and expecting me to do it or drop everything and go with her.

Normally, I would go with her in emergencies but since I was working all day and she wasn't lifting a finger, she should of just taken the cat to the vet, or she would of been helping me in the yard and errands for 7 hours and we go to the vet together.

Fair is fair, marriage is 50 / 50, and helping each other out when we are busy.

Now if I was relaxing all day, I would of gone with her to the vet right away.


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## Bridge

How do your weekends normally go? Do you spend them together or is it common for you to do separate chores all day?


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## mablenc

We had to establish rules, I wanted him to do things but didn't tell him. Now I tell him if we have a stop drop and roll situation. If I don't and he's not sure what I want, he will ask. It varies sometimes I need to vent, need help deciding, loop him in, or need him to take charge. It has saved us from hurt feelings and pouting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug

I have Sat and Sun off and do all my projects on Sat but I do minor chores every day after work.

My wifee has Fri and Sat off and does some chores on Fri and relaxes Sat.

She doesn't do outside work and pays the stationary bills. I do the mobile bills and projects.

I expected her to just take our cat to vet and be done with it.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster

I really hope your kitty is ok. I understand what Mrs is going through, if she is anything like me, I love my cats like they are my kids. H and I had to make the terribly difficult decision to put our 15 yr old cat down on Feb 21st of this year. He got sick very quickly and once blood work was done, he had cancer and it was to late. I know it took me a month of him being "not himself" for me to take him in. I was so scared something was wrong that I just couldn't do it. I know that's silly, but that's how I felt. My H is like you when it comes to the cats. He thinks I worry to much and just need to do it. I really hope you are there for Mrs and try to understand how stressful it is when your baby is ill.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Entropy3000

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug and I have a cat who is about 13 to 14 years old now. She usually never gets sick, is lean and is still very active.
> 
> A day ago, our cat couldn't keep her food down and puked up whenever she ate. She does get hairballs like all cats do and occasionally does puke up.
> 
> That Saturday, I was up early, went to the nursery across town, got some lilac's, dug the big holes (nasty rocks and roots), planted, pruned and cleaned up everything (5 hours). Then I grocery shopped, picked up a package from UPS, got toilet handle assemblies to fix both toilets, and recycled. (2 hours). During this time, Mrs.CuddleBug is crying, very upset about our cat being sick, what should I do? I told her, if you feel she is that sick, take her to the vet. 1.5 hours later, she is still here, crying, what should I do? I am very tired at this point and again I tell her, take our cat to the vet!!! She finally does this but gets mad at me for not taking the cat myself or going with her. Yet I had 7 hours of chores and errands to do on my day off and she had basically nothing to do on her day off.
> 
> See, Mrs.CuddleBug is a very emotionally sensitive woman, were as I am not a very emotional guy. Her super sensitive emotions totally overwhelm me and I go crazy. I told her, next time, something like this happens, I will give her a long hug, listen a bit and leave her be because if she transfers all this onto me, I go crazy and she feels great but I get no sex multiple times to then get that out of my system. See?
> 
> 
> How could I or should I of handled this better?
> 
> 
> Oh, I've fed the cat this morning a little bit and now some more and no puking it up, but she is tired and has slept a lot. Probably just sick but we are taking her to get her teeth done and get blood work done.


Not a lady. But even I know the answer to this one. You should have gone with her to the vet in my opinion. Priorities.


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## SimplyAmorous

Here is the funny thing.. I completely understand where Cuddlebug is coming from, I would have felt as he did on this one....personally... but then if you would ask my H's opinion on this.. knowing him as I do..(even if he was a little annoyed).... he would have dropped everything and went with the wife.. even though he was working his butt off and she was in the house relaxing.. that's just the way he is.. 

I could so easily see such a situation playing out & his offering to go with me...yet I would be the one to say "NO... keep doing what you are doing...I got this".... logically I would want to kill 2 birds with one stone, his finishing /getting projects done....while I drove the cat to the vet... 

And in the back of my mind.. I would smile happily that he was willing to be there for me.. I think it's great to Go out of our way to be there for a spouse in their time of emotional need.. yet some really can "milk it".... and not be thinking of what the other's *load* is...this is where she missed it.. 

At the very least she should have struck him a deal.. saying "I'd really like you to go with me... and I promise to help you finish when we get back.. thank you Honey"... something like that offered -surely Cuddlebug would have happily accepted...as it shows she is acknowledging his hard work...and wants to help him too.


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## Entropy3000

My wife would have just taken it to the vet. She does this with all the family pets. BUT, having said this, things are not always logical. If I felt my wife needed me to go with her for whatever reason, I would have gone.


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## CuddleBug

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is the funny thing.. I completely understand where Cuddlebug is coming from, I would have felt as he did on this one....personally... but then if you would ask my H's opinion on this.. knowing him as I do..(even if he was a little annoyed).... he would have dropped everything and went with the wife.. even though he was working his butt off and she was in the house relaxing.. that's just the way he is..
> 
> I could so easily see such a situation playing out & his offering to go with me...yet I would be the one to say "NO... keep doing what you are doing...I got this".... logically I would want to kill 2 birds with one stone, his finishing /getting projects done....while I drove the cat to the vet...
> 
> And in the back of my mind.. I would smile happily that he was willing to be there for me.. I think it's great to Go out of our way to be there for a spouse in their time of emotional need.. yet some really can "milk it".... and not be thinking of what the other's *load* is...this is where she missed it..
> 
> At the very least she should have struck him a deal.. saying "I'd really like you to go with me... and I promise to help you finish when we get back.. thank you Honey"... something like that offered -surely Cuddlebug would have happily accepted...as it shows she is acknowledging his hard work...and wants to help him too.



Perfectly said:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug

Entropy3000 said:


> My wife would have just taken it to the vet. She does this with all the family pets. BUT, having said this, things are not always logical. If I felt my wife needed me to go with her for whatever reason, I would have gone.



I would normally of gone with her, but I was so busy and had a limited amount of time and she had done not much all day and had the time.....


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## CuddleBug

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I really hope your kitty is ok. I understand what Mrs is going through, if she is anything like me, I love my cats like they are my kids. H and I had to make the terribly difficult decision to put our 15 yr old cat down on Feb 21st of this year. He got sick very quickly and once blood work was done, he had cancer and it was to late. I know it took me a month of him being "not himself" for me to take him in. I was so scared something was wrong that I just couldn't do it. I know that's silly, but that's how I felt. My H is like you when it comes to the cats. He thinks I worry to much and just need to do it. I really hope you are there for Mrs and try to understand how stressful it is when your baby is ill.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



Oh yes, definitely our kid.

I've already hinted to Mrs.CuddleBug that either our cat was just sick or the blood work will show something else.....

Her dental work, including removing a tooth due to insane plaque build up.......up to $1300+.......but I told her, we'll just get it done. Can't put a price tag on our cat.


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## CuddleBug

Lila said:


> I'm a lady and I'm siding with Mr. Cuddlebug on this one....but I'm not an emotionally, sensitive female either, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.



More my type of woman then. The kind that can handle the stresses of life, rise to the occasion and not freak out.:smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous

I would freak out over certain situations but not over a cat .. I'd freak out more over the Bill you gave by the Vet -for a tooth .....$1300+









We've been really lucky ... none of our animals so far has required anything more than shots and our dog, once some allergy medicine..

Even when our kids get sick, I don't think much of it.. it happens...However... give me a cancer diagnosis or something life altering to where our way of life will never be the same, I'd faint, and be an emotional wreck and need much support, I tend to separate what is REALLY BAD to what is commonplace & temporary in my head..but that's just me.. 

I haven't experienced REALLY BAD.. yet in life. I can only imagine what that would be like.


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## ScarletBegonias

Fairly sure most people familiar with me will know that I adore my dogs. With that said,I would have just taken the dog to the vet if one of them was that sick. When emergencies happen I go into problem solving mode and leave the emotions out of it. There would be no crying and wringing of hands all day.

In some alternate universe where I'd be chillin on my butt while DH worked his tail off outside I highly doubt I'd expect him to go with me. But in our world,we'd both be outside working or inside together and we'd both go to the vet. Our princess pibble recently needed surgery on her paw...I get off work earlier than DH so I make the appointments right after work. For all of her appts he actually left work early to go with me so he could be involved in her care and show support. I don't ask him to do these things.He does it bc he wants to be present.

On this one,I'm on the side of Mr.Cuddle.


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## Rowan

CuddleBug said:


> I would normally of gone with her, but I was so busy and had a limited amount of time and she had done not much all day and had the time.....


I think it sounds like this is possibly not 100% about the one incident with the cat, but perhaps also has to do with you having some built-up resentment about her not doing anything on Saturdays while you're busy with chores.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm curious - was that the only symptom of the cat? I'm an animal lover as well but function a lot like Scarlett. If the cat was ONLY throwing up, and just once or twice, I'd watch to see if she drank and I might make a little chicken/rice bland meal and see if she eats and keeps it down. Everyone gets an upset stomach from time to time and cats aren't any different - doesn't mean it warrants a trip to the vet if she improves. But sitting inside crying and writhing her hands over it isn't productive, either.

If she wanted to take the cat, didn't want to bother you but WANTED you, she should just speak up. The plants could wait. You offered so I'd say you did what you could. She may have perceived you as uncaring by keeping on with your chores. Do you get highly annoyed when you can't finish whatever project you decide to do? Could she have been hesitant to approach you because of that? Still - communication. She could have asked and said if she was hesitant to ask because of your anticipated reaction - dialog would have resolved all of this.

It would be nice if your relax days actually coincide - I'd make that a priority if I were you. You only have one day off together, Doing chores on that one day seems counter-productive to a good marriage.

And what is this "relax day" you speak of? LOL


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## turnera

What I see is that you resent her. And I don't blame you. So why is THAT not being discussed?


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## mablenc

He said she does her things/chores on Friday, and relaxes Saturday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

He may SAY that, but it's obvious it still bothers him.


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## michzz

I think your wife should have gotten her car keys and trundled the cat off to the vet and not made such a big deal about it.

She had the time to do it and didn't need to draw you into it.


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## 3Xnocharm

CuddleBug said:


> See, Mrs.CuddleBug is a very emotionally sensitive woman, were as I am not a very emotional guy. Her super sensitive emotions totally overwhelm me and I go crazy. I told her, next time, something like this happens, I will give her a long hug, listen a bit and leave her be because if she transfers all this onto me, I go crazy and she feels great but I get no sex multiple times to then get that out of my system. See?


So are all of your caring interactions with your wife centered around you getting or not getting laid? :scratchhead:


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster

CuddleBug said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> 
> I really hope your kitty is ok. I understand what Mrs is going through, if she is anything like me, I love my cats like they are my kids. H and I had to make the terribly difficult decision to put our 15 yr old cat down on Feb 21st of this year. He got sick very quickly and once blood work was done, he had cancer and it was to late. I know it took me a month of him being "not himself" for me to take him in. I was so scared something was wrong that I just couldn't do it. I know that's silly, but that's how I felt. My H is like you when it comes to the cats. He thinks I worry to much and just need to do it. I really hope you are there for Mrs and try to understand how stressful it is when your baby is ill.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Oh yes, definitely our kid.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I've already hinted to Mrs.CuddleBug that either our cat was just sick or the blood work will show something else.....
> 
> Her dental work, including removing a tooth due to insane plaque build up.......up to $1300+.......but I told her, we'll just get it done. Can't put a price tag on our cat.
Click to expand...

Dental work for cats is brutal! Should be illegal the prices you pay, but I would do it all over again to have my boy back. I am an anxious person. So when my cats are aick, it tends to affect me a lot more then I think nessesary. My h often thinks I am a little to worried and I know I am, but now I am just scared of what may happen to the other cat we have. Is mrs a worry wart usually? I really hope kitty is ok 

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## norajane

I have a 15 year old cat I've raised since she was 8 months old, and if I thought she was really sick, I'd be _ terrified _that it might be something bad. 

I'd take her to the vet myself if I had to, but if my SO were around, I'd want him to come with me. Not only would I be traumatized with worry and would need his support, I'd want to hold my cat during the drive because she hates riding in the car. My SO would drop everything to do it, whether I asked him to or not. And if he saw me _crying _about it, the last thing he'd prioritize is buying toilet handles and two hours of_ recycling_.

Sorry, CB, but I think you were insensitive. Since you say your cat is like your kid, I have to believe your insensitivity stemmed from your resentment toward your wife.



CuddleBug said:


> I have Sat and Sun off and do all my projects on Sat but I do minor chores every day after work.
> 
> My wifee has Fri and Sat off and does some chores on Fri and relaxes Sat.
> 
> She doesn't do outside work and pays the stationary bills. I do the mobile bills and projects.


Throughout this thread, you sound super-resentful that you did yard work and errands and recycling, while she spent the day "doing nothing." 

In your own words, she does her chores on Friday and takes Saturday off, while you do your chores on Saturday and take Sunday off. You're also saying she never does outside chores.

So why are you so resentful that she didn't help you with the outside chores on her day off? 



> See, Mrs.CuddleBug is a very emotionally sensitive woman, were as I am not a very emotional guy. Her super sensitive emotions totally overwhelm me and I go crazy. I told her, next time, something like this happens, I will give her a long hug, listen a bit and leave her be* because if she transfers all this onto me, I go crazy and she feels great but I get no sex multiple times to then get that out of my system. *See?


No, I'm sorry, I don't see. How is this about sex?

This is about you being unable to support her when she feared your old cat's illness might be serious because hearing your wife's emotions and supporting her through a trauma leads you to wanting lots of sex? 

And since you don't get the "sex multiple times" that you want, you become passive aggressive and refuse to stop digging holes in the backyard to go to the vet with her?


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## CuddleBug

Rowan said:


> I think it sounds like this is possibly not 100% about the one incident with the cat, but perhaps also has to do with you having some built-up resentment about her not doing anything on Saturdays while you're busy with chores.



Honestly, no. 

When I get into project mode, I have no issues if my wifee doesn't help but other things I can't do I expect her to take the initiative and just get them done, without being asked.

What got me angry was her not dealing with our cat while she had the time and I was very busy all day. I call that lazy.


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## CuddleBug

norajane said:


> I have a 15 year old cat I've raised since she was 8 months old, and if I thought she was really sick, I'd be _ terrified _that it might be something bad.
> 
> I'd take her to the vet myself if I had to, but if my SO were around, I'd want him to come with me. Not only would I be traumatized with worry and would need his support, I'd want to hold my cat during the drive because she hates riding in the car. My SO would drop everything to do it, whether I asked him to or not. And if he saw me _crying _about it, the last thing he'd prioritize is buying toilet handles and two hours of_ recycling_.
> 
> Sorry, CB, but I think you were insensitive. Since you say your cat is like your kid, I have to believe your insensitivity stemmed from your resentment toward your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Throughout this thread, you sound super-resentful that you did yard work and errands and recycling, while she spent the day "doing nothing."
> 
> In your own words, she does her chores on Friday and takes Saturday off, while you do your chores on Saturday and take Sunday off. You're also saying she never does outside chores.
> 
> So why are you so resentful that she didn't help you with the outside chores on her day off?
> 
> No, I'm sorry, I don't see. How is this about sex?
> 
> This is about you being unable to support her when she feared your old cat's illness might be serious because hearing your wife's emotions and supporting her through a trauma leads you to wanting lots of sex?
> 
> And since you don't get the "sex multiple times" that you want, you become passive aggressive and refuse to stop digging holes in the backyard to go to the vet with her?



Was I a bit insensitive, maybe.

Did I have good reason. Definitely.

If my wifee was helping me all day, then half the work for me to do and lets take the cat to the vet together and then get her a treat.

My wifee didn't help me all day. I didn't have the time like she did. It's simple. If I was relaxing and she was doing house chores all day, guess what, I would of taken our cat without hesitation and if she couldn't come with me, no big deal. That's the way I am.

I didn't see our cat's situation being super serious. I saw it as she had the flu bug or something but my wifee was the one over reacting. I told her, if it bothers you so much, go to the vet and she finally went to the vet.

She admitted to me later on that she over reacted and yes my wifee is very emotionally sensitive were as I focus on getting through the situation and it done.


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## CuddleBug

ScarletBegonias said:


> Fairly sure most people familiar with me will know that I adore my dogs. With that said,I would have just taken the dog to the vet if one of them was that sick. When emergencies happen I go into problem solving mode and leave the emotions out of it. There would be no crying and wringing of hands all day.
> 
> In some alternate universe where I'd be chillin on my butt while DH worked his tail off outside I highly doubt I'd expect him to go with me. But in our world,we'd both be outside working or inside together and we'd both go to the vet. Our princess pibble recently needed surgery on her paw...I get off work earlier than DH so I make the appointments right after work. For all of her appts he actually left work early to go with me so he could be involved in her care and show support. I don't ask him to do these things.He does it bc he wants to be present.
> 
> On this one,I'm on the side of Mr.Cuddle.



You sound very similar to me.

When the situation gets serious, I also go into problem solving mode, emotions aside, were as my wifee gets very upset and usually cries.


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## CuddleBug

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm curious - was that the only symptom of the cat? I'm an animal lover as well but function a lot like Scarlett. If the cat was ONLY throwing up, and just once or twice, I'd watch to see if she drank and I might make a little chicken/rice bland meal and see if she eats and keeps it down. Everyone gets an upset stomach from time to time and cats aren't any different - doesn't mean it warrants a trip to the vet if she improves. But sitting inside crying and writhing her hands over it isn't productive, either.
> 
> If she wanted to take the cat, didn't want to bother you but WANTED you, she should just speak up. The plants could wait. You offered so I'd say you did what you could. She may have perceived you as uncaring by keeping on with your chores. Do you get highly annoyed when you can't finish whatever project you decide to do? Could she have been hesitant to approach you because of that? Still - communication. She could have asked and said if she was hesitant to ask because of your anticipated reaction - dialog would have resolved all of this.
> 
> It would be nice if your relax days actually coincide - I'd make that a priority if I were you. You only have one day off together, Doing chores on that one day seems counter-productive to a good marriage.
> 
> And what is this "relax day" you speak of? LOL



Yes, only symptom that we've noticed. She just started puking up whenever she ate or drank. So we took her to the vet, they gave her a tummy calmer and some med to also relax her. We have now given her water and food back to full amounts, but slowly over 2 days. She seems to be fine but still is little sluggish, slow and not as energetic like she usually is.

I think you're absolutely right. She wanted me, emotional support but didn't tell me that.

My wifee sits, cries and talks were as I go into problem solving mode and put my emotions aside.

When I start a project, I have to complete it. Just the way I am. I can't just leave it and do it some other day.

Our only day together is Saturday. I know this sucks but its the price we pay for the money we made and our very good financial situation. We never have money issues.


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## CuddleBug

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would freak out over certain situations but not over a cat .. I'd freak out more over the Bill you gave by the Vet -for a tooth .....$1300+
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We've been really lucky ... none of our animals so far has required anything more than shots and our dog, once some allergy medicine..
> 
> Even when our kids get sick, I don't think much of it.. it happens...However... give me a cancer diagnosis or something life altering to where our way of life will never be the same, I'd faint, and be an emotional wreck and need much support, I tend to separate what is REALLY BAD to what is commonplace & temporary in my head..but that's just me..
> 
> I haven't experienced REALLY BAD.. yet in life. I can only imagine what that would be like.



I agree. $1300+ is high for a vet bill for dental work but they will also do blood work on our cat and see if anything is wrong. This is the first time we've taken her to the vet ever, since we got her actually 12 years ago.


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## turnera

norajane said:


> Sorry, CB, but I think you were insensitive. Since you say your cat is like your kid, I have to believe your insensitivity stemmed from your resentment toward your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Throughout this thread, you sound super-resentful that you did yard work and errands and recycling, while she spent the day "doing nothing."
> 
> In your own words, she does her chores on Friday and takes Saturday off, while you do your chores on Saturday and take Sunday off. You're also saying she never does outside chores.
> 
> So why are you so resentful that she didn't help you with the outside chores on her day off?
> 
> No, I'm sorry, I don't see. How is this about sex?
> 
> This is about you being unable to support her when she feared your old cat's illness might be serious because hearing your wife's emotions and supporting her through a trauma leads you to wanting lots of sex?
> 
> And since you don't get the "sex multiple times" that you want, you become passive aggressive and refuse to stop digging holes in the backyard to go to the vet with her?


Pretty much.


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## CuddleBug

If we had a kid, I would of dropped what I was doing and gone with my wifee. Now I love our cat don't get me wrong, but its not the same as having a son or daughter.

I am not resentful that my wifee relaxed on her day off work. That was her choice. I enjoy doing projects because I like to see what I've done with my hands and there is no labor costs.:smthumbup:

And yes, come to think of it, my wifee has never done anything chore or project wise outside. I've done it all and enjoyed it.

The only reason I seemed resentful towards my wifee was because she had the time to take the cat to the vet were as I did not. She should of just taken her to the vet without question.

Since my wifee is very emotionally sensitive and I am not, when she dumps it onto me, she feels much better, but since I can't deal with that emotional overload, I start going crazy and I need my release which is sex. Sex to me, is the number one stress reliever. Talking is my wifee's stress reliever. I am a man, testosterone and not as emotional. She is a woman, more estrogen and way more emotional.

My point was, when she gets what she needs, emotional support and transfers it onto me, she feels much better. Her needs are being met. Now my needs have to be met......marriage is 50 / 50 and not her way and nothing for me or my way and nothing for her. We are to take care of each others needs as our own and we are not our own anymore.

If I relaxed all day on my day off and she did chores all day, she would expect me to maybe get dinner or help without being asked and I would actually go out and buy dinner. Common sense to me.


----------



## norajane

CuddleBug said:


> Was I a bit insensitive, maybe.
> 
> Did I have good reason. Definitely.
> 
> If my wifee was helping me all day, then half the work for me to do and lets take the cat to the vet together and then get her a treat.
> 
> My wifee didn't help me all day. I didn't have the time like she did. It's simple. If I was relaxing and she was doing house chores all day, guess what, I would of taken our cat without hesitation and if she couldn't come with me, no big deal. That's the way I am.
> 
> I didn't see our cat's situation being super serious. I saw it as she had the flu bug or something but my wifee was the one over reacting. I told her, if it bothers you so much, go to the vet and she finally went to the vet.
> 
> She admitted to me later on that she over reacted and yes my wifee is very emotionally sensitive were as I focus on getting through the situation and it done.


Yes, she was emotional with fear about the cat. She didn't know what was wrong and was hoping the cat would get better, but it didn't, so she became progressively more worried. She may have over-reacted to the cat's health, but that's why she needed you to focus on getting _her _through_ that _situation. 

She needed your support, and it seems you decided you were too busy and had a schedule to keep. Or maybe you couldn't handle her emotions without needing a lot of sex to dissipate your own emotional response to them, so you bailed on her. Or both. 

Or maybe it's just miscommunication and misunderstanding each other.

I'm glad you two have worked it out, but don't just brush this away and forget about it. Give it some thought and consider what you can learn from it and from each other.


----------



## Cynthia

I think the issue is that your wife was emotionally distraught. That is not the same as being lazy. That makes you appear to be insensitive and uncaring. I understand, from what you have written, that is not what you were thinking, but it is how you come across.
Also I don't get what this has to do with sex. Someone else asked you that and I didn't see an answer.


----------



## murphy5

Jeez, get a frigin dog. And change your avatar too! :rofl:

you're a cat person...you just don't want to admit it!


----------



## Lyris

Since I have on several occasions taken one or other of my children to the emergency room without needing my hand held by my husband I have no sympathy for over the top handwringing about a cat. 

I don't see who you don't have your relax days together though. Why can't you get your stuff done on Sunday? That's what I'd be annoyed about, not the cat.


----------



## CuddleBug

norajane said:


> Yes, she was emotional with fear about the cat. She didn't know what was wrong and was hoping the cat would get better, but it didn't, so she became progressively more worried. She may have over-reacted to the cat's health, but that's why she needed you to focus on getting _her _through_ that _situation.
> 
> She needed your support, and it seems you decided you were too busy and had a schedule to keep. Or maybe you couldn't handle her emotions without needing a lot of sex to dissipate your own emotional response to them, so you bailed on her. Or both.
> 
> Or maybe it's just miscommunication and misunderstanding each other.
> 
> I'm glad you two have worked it out, but don't just brush this away and forget about it. Give it some thought and consider what you can learn from it and from each other.



If she needed my emotional support more than anything, which I think you are right about, then she should of told me so. She did admit to this later after she came back from the vet.

You have no idea how busy I was that Saturday and how much time and how relaxed she was. That's like burning her candle on one end but my candle on both ends.

She communicated to me after the vet that she over reacted, was sorry and only needed my support. She told me she should of communicated that with me in the beginning.

To me, if she was working all day, I was relaxing, getting dinner or taking the cat to the vet, maybe some shopping, I would do without hesitation. I would never expect my wifee to drop what she is already doing and do even more. That would be lazy on my part and not cool.


----------



## CuddleBug

Lyris said:


> Since I have on several occasions taken one or other of my children to the emergency room without needing my hand held by my husband I have no sympathy for over the top handwringing about a cat.
> 
> I don't see who you don't have your relax days together though. Why can't you get your stuff done on Sunday? That's what I'd be annoyed about, not the cat.





You also think the way I do.:smthumbup:

My wifee and I have always worked different days to an extent. Just the way its always been. We have 1 day off a week together and after work during the work weeks. Price we pay for being very well off financially and no mortgage in a few years, in our late 30's to early 40's.

I don't always do major projects on my Saturdays. Maybe 1x month every month type of a thing. The other Saturday's we relax together, watch tv, movie, UFC, eat in, etc.


----------



## CuddleBug

Cat is fine again, energetic, eats well and wants our attention all the time.

We have decided to take her to the vet and get her teeth cleaned, some removed if need be, full blood work and other tests. Turns out the estimate was on the high end, so the bill might not be that high after all.

She is around 13 - 14 years old but hasn't slowed down yet and is lean and healthy. She is an indoors cat for her safety and health.

Short hair, calico, we call Ginger because of her ginger bread colored fur.


----------



## Cosmos

If something needs doing I don't wait around for others to help me with it or do it for me. I act.

A sick cat would be like a sick child to me and if I was in the _slightest_ bit concerned, I'd take it to the vet_ immediately_. I certainly wouldn't sit around crying about it.


----------



## FizzBomb

Cosmos said:


> If something needs doing I don't wait around for others to help me with it or do it for me. I act.
> 
> A sick cat would be like a sick child to me and if I was in the _slightest_ bit concerned, I'd take it to the vet_ immediately_. I certainly wouldn't sit around crying about it.


Lordy, Amen to that!

I would have had the cat down to the vet first thing. Maybe she wants you to do it for her? If so, why? It's not like it's something an adult wouldn't be able to take care of. The last thing I would be doing is crying over it - I'd rather be proactive.

Anyway, as a cat lover, I hope your cat is ok now.


----------



## CuddleBug

I am the same way. If there is something that needs doing, I'm on it yesterday, were as my wifee puts it off.....

My wifee, when stressed, cries very easily and gets very emotional, were as I focus on what must be done and get it done. Maybe deal with the emotions later on, when and if they effect me.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, we are taking away her food at 8pm because I will be dropping her off to the vet for 8am Thursday morning. If possible, I will stay with her until she is next to be given the needle so she sleeps and then I will leave for work. My wifee will pick her up later that evening and probably have her on water and soft foods until her teeth and gums heal from their cleaning and possible tooth removal. Hopefully, her blood work will show up nothing as well.

My wifee is always talking about this and worrying.....


----------



## turnera

Take her to yoga classes.


----------



## Created2Write

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug and I have a cat who is about 13 to 14 years old now. She usually never gets sick, is lean and is still very active.
> 
> A day ago, our cat couldn't keep her food down and puked up whenever she ate. She does get hairballs like all cats do and occasionally does puke up.
> 
> That Saturday, I was up early, went to the nursery across town, got some lilac's, dug the big holes (nasty rocks and roots), planted, pruned and cleaned up everything (5 hours). Then I grocery shopped, picked up a package from UPS, got toilet handle assemblies to fix both toilets, and recycled. (2 hours). During this time, Mrs.CuddleBug is crying, very upset about our cat being sick, what should I do? I told her, if you feel she is that sick, take her to the vet. 1.5 hours later, she is still here, crying, what should I do? I am very tired at this point and again I tell her, take our cat to the vet!!! She finally does this but gets mad at me for not taking the cat myself or going with her. Yet I had 7 hours of chores and errands to do on my day off and she had basically nothing to do on her day off.
> 
> See, Mrs.CuddleBug is a very emotionally sensitive woman, were as I am not a very emotional guy. Her super sensitive emotions totally overwhelm me and I go crazy. I told her, next time, something like this happens, I will give her a long hug, listen a bit and leave her be because if she transfers all this onto me, I go crazy and she feels great but I get no sex multiple times to then get that out of my system. See?
> 
> 
> How could I or should I of handled this better?
> 
> 
> Oh, I've fed the cat this morning a little bit and now some more and no puking it up, but she is tired and has slept a lot. Probably just sick but we are taking her to get her teeth done and get blood work done.


1. Your wife should have asked you to go with her. Just because she's upset doesn't mean you will know what she needs without communication. 

2. However, yard work is not _that_ important. It can be postponed. You should have dropped it and gone with your wife. If she was still crying after an hour and a half, it seems really insensitive to ignore her, or to expect her to suck it up and do it herself. 

You should apologize to her.


----------



## Created2Write

CuddleBug said:


> I totally agree with everyone that my wifee should of just taken the cat to the vet right away, instead of doing nothing for a few hours and expecting me to do it or drop everything and go with her.
> 
> Normally, I would go with her in emergencies but since I was working all day and she wasn't lifting a finger, she should of just taken the cat to the vet, or she would of been helping me in the yard and errands for 7 hours and we go to the vet together.
> 
> Fair is fair, marriage is 50 / 50, and helping each other out when we are busy.
> 
> Now if I was relaxing all day, I would of gone with her to the vet right away.


See, this isn't as black and white as you're making it out to be. Yard work is not more important than a pet. It's also not more important than your wife's emotional well-being. You _chose_ working in the yard and running errands over the cat. That, imo, is wrong. 

You definitely sound resentful of your wife, and perhaps with reason. But you can't let your resentment dictate your choices. If your wife is emotionally distraught, _she_ should come first, even if you think she's been lazy. Otherwise your choices are selfish.


----------



## Created2Write

3Xnocharm said:


> So are all of your caring interactions with your wife centered around you getting or not getting laid? :scratchhead:


:iagree:


----------



## Created2Write

CuddleBug said:


> If we had a kid, I would of dropped what I was doing and gone with my wifee. Now I love our cat don't get me wrong, but its not the same as having a son or daughter.
> 
> I am not resentful that my wifee relaxed on her day off work. That was her choice. I enjoy doing projects because I like to see what I've done with my hands and there is no labor costs.:smthumbup:
> 
> And yes, come to think of it, my wifee has never done anything chore or project wise outside. I've done it all and enjoyed it.
> 
> The only reason I seemed resentful towards my wifee was because she had the time to take the cat to the vet were as I did not.


You had the time. You just didn't want to go with her. 



> She should of just taken her to the vet without question.


Since you dismiss her emotions, yes, she should have gone by herself.


----------



## CuddleBug

More positive and constructive posts only by Created2Write, but this is nothing new.


I don't read my wifee's mind, nor do I speak for her. She needs to communicate to me what is on her mind at that time. Remember, I am a man, not a woman and women do communicate better than men. So how am I, a man, supposed to know what she needed emotionally without her communicating that to me?

If I postponed projects and things I do around our place, not much would get done. The reason our place is so well landscaped and upgraded is due to my initiatives and getting things done. Left to my wifee, not much at all would get done because something always comes up.

I am a doer were she is more of a talker. I am the type of guy to cut through the BS and get it done.

I do like the fact she is a hard worker, not spoiled, and doesn't expect to eat her cake and have it too. Great qualities in a lady.:smthumbup:

She wasn't crying for 1.5+ hours. Not at all. More like a few minutes at most because she gets upset very easy over small things. That's just how she initially reacts to stress.

She is an adult woman and not a baby. She is 35 years old.....

Marriage to me is 50 / 50. I do things she can't do or doesn't want to do and she does as well. But what I don't tolerate is burning my candle at both ends. If she is busy, I would of taken kitty to the vet without hesitation and no crying from me. This is silly.

I am not apologizing to her and she already has apologized to me for over reacting and not doing the simple task of just taking the cat to vet. What happens if something bigger occurs? Say, her parents die? I'm scared to see how she would handle that situation. If she cries over our kitty only being taken to vet......something much bigger happens, that really worries me. Life isn't fair and peaches and cream. You must deal with life's challenges and rise to the occasion or let life roll you over.

I am not an overly emotional guy. When I listen to her and she transfers her stresses and emotions onto me, she feels great but every time I fell like crap and go crazy. She knows this. My way of dealing with stress is sex. Sex gets stress out of my system like nothing else and then I feel great. Her needs and my needs are different and we are to take care of each others needs as our own. Not take care of her needs and nuts to me. That's burning my candle at both ends and not cool. I don't burn her candle at both ends.

My wifee had the time to go to the vet and I was very busy from the time I got up and all day. Simple. She had the time, she goes to the vet without whining and crying like a baby. This wasn't a serious event and kitty was only a little sick. She over reacted.



Update: I dropped off kitty to the vet this morning, took some time off work, bought 4 different types of soft cat food and then picked her up after work and Mrs. CuddleBug only had to work.

Our cat had most of her teeth pulled due to what I call a genetic aging virus. As cats get old, this virus starts eating away at their teeth from the inside until the rot and fall out. A very painful process, so the vet x-rayed them and pulled out the bad teeth. Now she is on soft cat food, no more hard, she is moving about and almost back to her old self. Total cost, around $1500 but for kitty, it was worth it. There is no cat food or anything you can do to prevent this degeneration of cat teeth. Once they get old enough, it just starts to happen. This tells me, cats aren't meant to live long lives. But everything is good now and kitty is moving about and affectionate again.:smthumbup: And her paw was so swollen from the gauze were the intravenous needles were, it looked like a cartoon paw. We took it off and now its normal and she isn't trying to shake it off.

This whole experience didn't get me upset and cry. This is part of life and I learned more about cats, how they age, cat foods and what we can do to minimize their aging. An overall great learning experience for me.


----------



## turnera

You did fine, CB. I will just add one thing: I think that you show a bit of disdain for your wife's emotionality. And if we see it, she sees it. Just as sex is your destressor, I'll bet having a strong loving man hug her and soothe her is hers. A little compassion can go a long way, even if you don't change your priorities. The more you give, the more you get.


----------



## firebelly1

Sounds to me like she should have been clear about what she needed from you. Short of that, I think it would have helped from your end if you sensed she needed something from you but wasn't expressing it to ask her what she needed. If you started with that clarity you could move on from there with negotiation.

Sounds like you think that what she wanted you to do was drop what you were doing and take the cat to the vet yourself without her...and then continue the yard work yourself. Do you know that was her expectation? Did she say that? Did you ask? You seem to be judging her based on what you assume she is thinking but you don't know for sure. Or am I missing something?


----------



## CuddleBug

firebelly1 said:


> Sounds to me like she should have been clear about what she needed from you. Short of that, I think it would have helped from your end if you sensed she needed something from you but wasn't expressing it to ask her what she needed. If you started with that clarity you could move on from there with negotiation.
> 
> Sounds like you think that what she wanted you to do was drop what you were doing and take the cat to the vet yourself without her...and then continue the yard work yourself. Do you know that was her expectation? Did she say that? Did you ask? You seem to be judging her based on what you assume she is thinking but you don't know for sure. Or am I missing something?



You nailed it and this is exactly what she was expecting of me.....


----------



## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> You did fine, CB. I will just add one thing: I think that you show a bit of disdain for your wife's emotionality. And if we see it, she sees it. Just as sex is your destressor, I'll bet having a strong loving man hug her and soothe her is hers. A little compassion can go a long way, even if you don't change your priorities. The more you give, the more you get.



Thx. To be honest, I just can't fully handle her very sensitive emotions at times and they overwhelm me. She knows this too. I don't use my wifee for sex and never have. Sex is my main love language, she knows that too and how it totally unstresses me. She loves to talk and I need that physicality. I hug her often and just hold her too. I am CuddleBug..... But I am a strong man, emotionally, physically, and its just the way I am.

I'm no push over, not a Mr. Nice guy and I am the captain / leader of our marriage and what we get done. Mrs. CuddleBug loves this and is my first mate.


----------



## firebelly1

CuddleBug said:


> You nailed it and this is exactly what she was expecting of me.....


Do you know WHY she thought you should be the one to take the cat to the vet and not her?


----------



## CuddleBug

firebelly1 said:


> Do you know WHY she thought you should be the one to take the cat to the vet and not her?



I honestly think its because I am the one to take charge and get things done and she didn't want to deal with it.


----------



## firebelly1

CuddleBug said:


> I honestly think its because I am the one to take charge and get things done and she didn't want to deal with it.


So...that sounds like you are guessing at what she thinks. You may be right, but this isn't something you've asked her directly? 

I'm guessing in her own mind that's not how she thinks of it. She may think you are the stronger person emotionally and she doesn't trust herself to handle it. Or she may think that it's her day "off" and it's your "work" day and this is work so you should do it. There is some reason in her mind that IS logical, reasonable and / or fair. You may not agree with her conclusion or that it's logical, but no matter what, it would be better that 1) you knew for sure, and 2) that any time you are trying to guess at what the other person is thinking you start with the question "What are some reasons a reasonable person might take this stance?" 

I think the question of whether she's too "emotional" or not is getting in the way of understanding this. But I can see where sex is coming in - if you think she is expecting you to take on an unfair share of household work but she isn't willing to provide her fair share of sex, that can breed resentment.


----------



## CuddleBug

firebelly1 said:


> So...that sounds like you are guessing at what she thinks. You may be right, but this isn't something you've asked her directly?
> 
> I'm guessing in her own mind that's not how she thinks of it. She may think you are the stronger person emotionally and she doesn't trust herself to handle it. Or she may think that it's her day "off" and it's your "work" day and this is work so you should do it. There is some reason in her mind that IS logical, reasonable and / or fair. You may not agree with her conclusion or that it's logical, but no matter what, it would be better that 1) you knew for sure, and 2) that any time you are trying to guess at what the other person is thinking you start with the question "What are some reasons a reasonable person might take this stance?"
> 
> I think the question of whether she's too "emotional" or not is getting in the way of understanding this. But I can see where sex is coming in - if you think she is expecting you to take on an unfair share of household work but she isn't willing to provide her fair share of sex, that can breed resentment.



I am married to her for 15+ years, so I think I might know her personality a bit.......

She admitted to me that she did over react and just wanted some emotional support, but that was after she took kitty to the vet and settled down. If she would of told me beforehand, I need a hug and some emotional support, I would of dropped what I was doing but she didn't do this. Lack of communication on her part.

For me its simple. My wifee can get very emotional over smaller issues but then realizes, they it wasn't as big of a deal. Takes her a bit to see this.

She knows I can't really handle her very emotional side well. It gets me all stressed up and angry for the rest of the day. Sex to me, is my number 1 stress reliever. I have sex, I am so mellow and easy going, its awesome and nothing bothers me for that day, or next day, etc. Talking about something, for me, just rehashes it and gets me angrier because there is no solution. Why talk about something, have no real working solution and that's it? Drives me crazy.

My wifee used to be low sex drive LD due to her size, but now with the on going weight loss, her sex drive is more average drive AD and this has made a huge improvement in our marriage. But yes, little sex for 15 years does breed resentment, so very true, like so many posts here on TAM.


----------



## turnera

Cuddlebug, why is it that you bring up sex in almost every post you make? Do you have an issue over this?


----------



## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> Cuddlebug, why is it that you bring up sex in almost every post you make? Do you have an issue over this?



heh, you got me.

I am a HD guy, so sex is on my mind often.

Most posts in TAM are......wait for it........sex based. ta daaa.


----------



## turnera

I don't care what most posts are about.

I care about why it's on your mind all the time and what that's doing to your relationship.


----------



## Miss Independent

CuddleBug said:


> heh, you got me.
> 
> 
> 
> I am a HD guy, so sex is on my mind often.
> 
> 
> 
> Most posts in TAM are......wait for it........sex based. ta daaa.



Sorry, that's not a valid reason


----------



## that_girl

Your wife gets upset and you don't want to deal...she should ask for support and a hug? And yet you want sex?

I don't get it.

If you know her so well, you should know she needs a hug.


----------



## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> I don't care what most posts are about.
> 
> I care about why it's on your mind all the time and what that's doing to your relationship.



Because I'm always in the mood and my wifee isn't, so I talk about it on TAM.

Our marriage is solid, but not nearly as close as it could be. Physicality and sex are the glues that make a marriage strong. You don't marry a room mate or a friend, right?

Just something I will deal with for the rest of my life.


----------



## CuddleBug

that_girl said:


> Your wife gets upset and you don't want to deal...she should ask for support and a hug? And yet you want sex?
> 
> I don't get it.
> 
> If you know her so well, you should know she needs a hug.



It's not like that.

My wifee is a sensitive lady, very true and she does get upset over smaller issues but later on, realizes that and apologizes.

Yes, I do give her nice hugs and listen to her but when she gets overly emotional, she knows I have issues dealing with that emotional overload. I don 't tell her, I will listen and you give me sex. Nope, never said or done that. What I am saying, is sex unstresses me the best and nothing else can equal that, especially talking.So if my wifee gets very upset about something, I don't later on say, I need sex. No.

I am the one to always give her hugs, massages, cuddling and kisses. She isn't into that stuff much because her love language is acts of service and she still hasn't shaken off 15 years of being insecure about her size and not sexual or physical. I guess it will take her a long time to get that out of her system?


----------



## CuddleBug

spinsterdurga said:


> Sorry, that's not a valid reason



To me it is, being a HD guy.

For a LD wifee, it is not a valid reason.

LD's don't see their low sex drives as the issue. It's always something else and their HD spouses issues somehow.

The LD spouse is to take care of the HD spouses needs and vise versa. If one isn't willing to do this, the other will eventually stop in return. Many posts of that here as well.


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> Because I'm always in the mood and my wifee isn't, so I talk about it on TAM.
> 
> Our marriage is solid, but not nearly as close as it could be. Physicality and sex are the glues that make a marriage strong. You don't marry a room mate or a friend, right?
> 
> Just something I will deal with for the rest of my life.


Actually, that's exactly what women want most. A friend. Companionship. Safety to be themselves (and not looked down on for their emotionalness). Women have to have a good solid connection before they will want sex. If they DON'T have that connection, if something is getting in the way of it, they won't WANT to have sex.

Thus, you being the HD partner, it behooves you to do a better job at creating that connection, and not Love Busting her so she wants to avoid you, to get more sex.


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> It's not like that.
> 
> My wifee is a sensitive lady, very true and she does get upset over smaller issues but later on, realizes that and apologizes.


Why ON EARTH does she have to apologize? What atmosphere have you created in which she feels BAD about feeling what she feels? For such a bright guy, I'm surprised you haven't seen that this is wrong.


----------



## Miss Independent

CuddleBug said:


> To me it is, being a HD guy.
> 
> 
> 
> For a LD wifee, it is not a valid reason.
> 
> 
> 
> LD's don't see their low sex drives as the issue. It's always something else and their HD spouses issues somehow.
> 
> 
> 
> The LD spouse is to take care of the HD spouses needs and vise versa. If one isn't willing to do this, the other will eventually stop in return. Many posts of that here as well.



Everything doesn't revolve around sex. I hope that your wife doesn't feel what I'm feeling. Again your argument above doesn't follow from what I said or what you previously said. It's as if you're keeping scores. Your wife has to have sex for you to do something (it's the impression I'm getting from this post and other post). I'm not LD and I don't understand your thought process. I personally wouldn't want sex with a man who brings sec into everything. Do you think that your wife owe you sex?


----------



## EntirelyDifferent

CuddleBug said:


> The LD spouse is to take care of the HD spouses needs and vise versa. If one isn't willing to do this, the other will eventually stop in return. Many posts of that here as well.



Yes, the spouses are supposed to take care of each others needs, but to me, none of your posts (here and in SiM) have suggested you are willing to take care of the emotional needs of your 'wifee' 100% because she "neglected" your HD needs for 15 years and you can't seem to move past that resentment toward her. Sometimes your posts don't even sound like you _like_ this woman much, let alone love her. She's just there for you to let off steam with apparently, and she's been failing you for years. 

If your LD spouse starts coming around, rejecting her emotional needs isn't going to get you where you want to go sexually. You still seem disappointed in her, despite her progress, and she probably knows it - which to me makes supporting her in these kinds of situations far more important.
I'm not as emotional as you portray your wife, but I do have non-sexual needs that my HD partner MUST help with, otherwise I'm not into helping out with his. I get that it's a vicious cycle when someone has been neglected for a long time, but someone has to be the bigger person and let some things go; otherwise it's not going to work.


----------



## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> Actually, that's exactly what women want most. A friend. Companionship. Safety to be themselves (and not looked down on for their emotionalness). Women have to have a good solid connection before they will want sex. If they DON'T have that connection, if something is getting in the way of it, they won't WANT to have sex.
> 
> Thus, you being the HD partner, it behooves you to do a better job at creating that connection, and not Love Busting her so she wants to avoid you, to get more sex.



Having a female friend(s) are okay, but having a physical and sexual wifee is a million times better. I don't need more friends. I need a physical and sexual wifee.

I don't look down at my wifee for being too emotional. It's not like that. I just think things through more and don't let my emotions get the better of me, that's all.

I agree with what you've said, but I asked my wifee why she's always had a low "meh" sex drive. I have a post about this. Her low sex drive is due to her size, insecurity and doing nothing about it her entire life. A circle she wasn't willing to break but only talk about. But over the last 6+ months, she finally got it and has lost a lot of weight, new clothes, sex drive increase and loves it all. Still not high enough for me, sex 1x month for 15 years does add up, but its a great start.

See, I can talk with her, listen, surprises, help her without being asked, make her feel sexy, all that, but if she isn't into sex, she isn't into sex. I have done everything you can think of and from TAM, and all did very little to get my wifee an increased sex drive. It was her in the end, had enough of being large, un sexy clothes, and finally decided to do something about it. Sad it took her 15 years........that's ridiculous.


----------



## CuddleBug

Catherine602 said:


> I don't know Cuddle. An act of service would have been to take the cat to the vet as soon as you realized it was more than a hair ball. Instead, it became what seems to have been a covert battle over what, I'm not sure. Anyhow, the jockeying and delay may have had hidden cost Cuddle. Mr C keeps the accounts because she has a better memory for these things, am I right?
> 
> The way I handle things is to do what is needed and worry about 50:50 at the end of the month. It's too hard to tell if everybody is doing their fair share on the basis of day by day or even month by month accounting. It's too exhausting to see every encounter as a struggle for dominance and fairness and 50%.
> 
> A little good will, gifts here and there to show how grateful I am for a good life and letting the small stuff go, makes a tremendous difference in my feeling of contentment. Don't use valuable bandwidth on minor things.
> 
> Forgive your wife for the preceding 15 years or move on. You will never get those years back nor will you punish her enough to make up for the pain you felt. From your posts, I can tell that you had a role to play in the disconnect. Your wife has changed but I have a feeling that you don't think you need to change.
> 
> You seem to feel that you are the only one with grievances and you are entitled to recompense. Be cautious, look at ways that you must alter yourself. You may be repeating the same old patterns and building new resentments.



I do all the finances, grocery shopping, landscaping, recycling, buying things for kitty, the surprises, all initiatives, and get things done.

My wifee talks about things and we can't do this or that or kitty doesn't need this or I don't need that. 

I like change and improving everything for us and kitty, were as my wifee is against change for some reason. It is difficult for her to change, improve and grow for some reason. I'm still trying to figure that one out. She was raised very frugal by her parents, so maybe that has carried over? I remember her telling me once, that she feels unworthy of gifts and surprises. I don't know were that comes from either.:scratchhead:


----------



## T&T

CuddleBug said:


> I think you're absolutely right. She wanted me, emotional support *but didn't tell me that*.


I think you wrote she was crying for two hours and you didn't think she needed emotional support?



CuddleBug said:


> My wifee sits, cries and talks were as I go into problem solving mode and put my emotions aside.


You are different. I'm a "problem solver" too but when my wife is clearly upset I wouldn't be outside digging holes or looking after my 'to do" list.

CB, you need to look at her point of view. She needed you and you weren't there for her. It's that simple...It's something she will remember for a long time.

Next time she's emotionally distraught, I'd suggest listening and comforting her. We're not all built the same and it's clear your wife doesn't handle these situations like you or I would. It doesn't mean it's wrong though. It's just different...and she wanted to lean on you because she DOES get emotional.


----------



## CuddleBug

EntirelyDifferent said:


> Yes, the spouses are supposed to take care of each others needs, but to me, none of your posts (here and in SiM) have suggested you are willing to take care of the emotional needs of your 'wifee' 100% because she "neglected" your HD needs for 15 years and you can't seem to move past that resentment toward her. Sometimes your posts don't even sound like you _like_ this woman much, let alone love her. She's just there for you to let off steam with apparently, and she's been failing you for years.
> 
> If your LD spouse starts coming around, rejecting her emotional needs isn't going to get you where you want to go sexually. You still seem disappointed in her, despite her progress, and she probably knows it - which to me makes supporting her in these kinds of situations far more important.
> I'm not as emotional as you portray your wife, but I do have non-sexual needs that my HD partner MUST help with, otherwise I'm not into helping out with his. I get that it's a vicious cycle when someone has been neglected for a long time, but someone has to be the bigger person and let some things go; otherwise it's not going to work.



What no one is seeing for some reason, baffles me.

I "did" listen, romance, surprises, flowers, cuddling, got kitty for her as a surprise, and all advices from TAM and e-books. This still did little to nothing to get my wife from sex 1x month over 15 years. I put in the effort, I really did, like many others here have, but if a LD doesn't want to change, they won't change. The LD must want to break the circle they are in, or not. Personally, I think she got comfy in our marriage and didn't want to change, lose the weight, etc. and this went on for 15 years. I've asked her, what turns you on? Fantasies? Toys? I get, I don't know......and nothing happens.


----------



## firebelly1

I still think the problem is not that she needed emotional support but that she expected CB to drop everything and take the cat to the vet by himself so she could continue enjoying her day off. It's an unreasonable expectation.


----------



## CuddleBug

T&T said:


> I think you wrote she was crying for two hours and you didn't think she needed emotional support?
> 
> 
> 
> You are different. I'm a "problem solver" too but when my wife is clearly upset I wouldn't be outside digging holes or looking after my 'to do" list.
> 
> CB, you need to look at her point of view. She needed you and you weren't there for her. It's that simple...It's something she will remember for a long time.
> 
> Next time she's emotionally distraught, I'd suggest listening and comforting her. We're not all built the same and it's clear your wife doesn't handle these situations like you or I would. It doesn't mean it's wrong though. It's just different...and she wanted to lean on you because she DOES get emotional.



On my days off work, I do things for us, upgrades, projects, and to always better our standard of living. Fate is what you make. I'm not a talker, I'm a doer.

You're right. I am a problem solver, but I didn't purposely go outside to dig holes to avoid her.

As soon as I got up, I went outside, prepped our area, drove across town, bought the plants, started digging the holes under our pine trees. My wifee knew I was busy that day doing this as of the week prior. While I was digging the holes, she comes out upset, crying and wanted me to take the cat to the vet, but she was inside watching tv and on her laptop. I told her, if kitty is that sick, just take her to the vet. She could of just taken kitty to the vet at that point but she chose to stew about it and do nothing, while I was outside working. In the end, I took kitty to the vet, took time off work, bought new cat food and toys, and picked up kitty after work. All she did was work that day. I am doing more than my share and no crying about it either. I am manning up and took care of the situation.

We had a talk later and I told her, if there is something on your mind, communicate that to me because in the past, she wouldn't and all of a sudden, she gets very emotional. Even her parents told her, you must communicate with Mr. CuddleBug more.


----------



## CuddleBug

spinsterdurga said:


> Everything doesn't revolve around sex. I hope that your wife doesn't feel what I'm feeling. Again your argument above doesn't follow from what I said or what you previously said. It's as if you're keeping scores. Your wife has to have sex for you to do something (it's the impression I'm getting from this post and other post). I'm not LD and I don't understand your thought process. I personally wouldn't want sex with a man who brings sec into everything. Do you think that your wife owe you sex?



True but only a LD spouse would say that.

If I wanted to keep score, she owes me sex for 15 years of starvation. But guess what, nope, not happening and she has made the changes and I support her. She always comes to me, showing her new clothes and I tell her she's hot!!! New shoes, hair style, hot!!!

Does my wifee owe me sex? no. Do I owe my wifee emotional support? no.

But we are to take care of each other needs as our own and we are not our own anymore.

If she wanted sex all the time, HD wifee, but I never give her emotional support over the 15 years, do you think she would be happy or even married to me? Yet I did that for her and still got sex 1x month for 15 years.

I've even read posts here were LD wifee's here starved their men for 10+ years and then all of a sudden got it, want sex often and their men are done, don't care anymore and they still wonder why???

If the LD spouses took care of their spouses needs instead of starving them, they wouldn't be in the situation they are in.


I knew of good friend of mine that had a life long relationship with his high school sweetheart. He died from a heart attack from drastic weight loss. Anyway, he was a HD guy and his woman was probably LD. He was there for her needs and even though she was LD, she always took him of him, whether she was in the mood or not. He told me this and bend over backwards for her and she saw him as her soul mate. They were so close, just amazing. Now if she had the mind set, I'm not into sex much 1x month, no change, things would of been totally different, maybe on TAM or divorced.


----------



## CuddleBug

firebelly1 said:


> I still think the problem is not that she needed emotional support but that she expected CB to drop everything and take the cat to the vet by himself so she could continue enjoying her day off. It's an unreasonable expectation.



That's what I'm thinking as well and some extra emotional support she didn't communicate to me she needed.


----------



## CuddleBug

What I see, if LD spouses starve their man or woman for a very long time, but still get what they need because the HD's are constantly trying, that's not cool. 

And then other LD spouses still say, it must be the HD spouses, so read more books, listen more, more this and that, all while the LD spouses still isn't doing the changing. 

This is not my situation anymore but I still see it here. It should be, the LD spouses make the effort and no more excuses and getting away with it.

In the end, LD spouses don't change much and the HD spouses bend over backwards to get scraps here and there. That is not taking care of each others needs as their own. Not at all.

I've read so many posts here were HD spouses are getting their spouses flowers, surprises, romance, cards, massages, going to a movie, nice dinners together, holding hands walking, get away weekends out of town, you name it and still little to almost no change from the LD spouses. And then we still hear, the HD spouse isn't doing something right and must do more......


----------



## Miss Independent

CuddleBug said:


> True but only a LD spouse would say that.
> 
> If I wanted to keep score, she owes me sex for 15 years of starvation. But guess what, nope, not happening and she has made the changes and I support her. She always comes to me, showing her new clothes and I tell her she's hot!!! New shoes, hair style, hot!!!
> 
> Does my wifee owe me sex? no. Do I owe my wifee emotional support? no.
> 
> But we are to take care of each other needs as our own and we are not our own anymore.
> 
> If she wanted sex all the time, HD wifee, but I never give her emotional support over the 15 years, do you think she would be happy or even married to me? Yet I did that for her and still got sex 1x month for 15 years.
> 
> I've even read posts here were LD wifee's here starved their men for 10+ years and then all of a sudden got it, want sex often and their men are done, don't care anymore and they still wonder why???
> 
> If the LD spouses took care of their spouses needs instead of starving them, they wouldn't be in the situation they are in.



You often talk about how your wife starved you for 15 years. I get the impression that she owes you for those 15 years. This idea is implied in your "my wife is finally doing..."post. 
Ps: no one owes anyone sex. You had the option of walking out for 15 yrs when she didn't live up to your expectations. I don't have a problem with the way you reacted to the cat situation. However, I have a problem with the view that your wife owe you sex. For instance, your wife is finally doing what you want her to do, yet you're no satisfied with her effort. By the way, I love sex, pleasure myself and I'm not LD.


----------



## CuddleBug

spinsterdurga said:


> You often talk about how your wife starved you for 15 years. I get the impression that she owes you for those 15 years. This idea is implied in your "my wife is finally doing..."post.
> Ps: no one owes anyone sex. You had the option of walking out for 15 yrs when she didn't live up to your expectations. I don't have a problem with the way you reacted to the cat situation. However, I have a problem with the view that your wife owe you sex. For instance, your wife is finally doing what you want her to do, yet you're no satisfied with her effort. By the way, I love sex, pleasure myself and I'm not LD.



You are right that there is still some minor resentment left from the 15 years of sex 1x month. But by me talking about it on TAM, it is finally getting out of my system, call it therapy and thx.

I wish more LD wives were like you, HD, toys and pleasuring yourself, and love sex. That's fantastic.:smthumbup:

I don't see why sex is so difficult. It's not rocket science. The LD spouse should find their other half sexually hot and want crazy sex with them often. Otherwise, that's deceiving them, a little of bait and switch and selfish. Why even be in a relationship and married in the first place? I say, be single and until LD spouses figure themselves out, get a sex drive, don't get into a relationship and married because they aren't ready yet.


----------



## T&T

CuddleBug said:


> On my days off work, I do things for us, upgrades, projects, and to always better our standard of living. Fate is what you make. I'm not a talker, I'm a doer.
> 
> You're right. I am a problem solver, but I didn't purposely go outside to dig holes to avoid her.
> 
> As soon as I got up, I went outside, prepped our area, drove across town, bought the plants, started digging the holes under our pine trees. My wifee knew I was busy that day doing this as of the week prior. While I was digging the holes, she comes out upset, crying and wanted me to take the cat to the vet, but she was inside watching tv and on her laptop. I told her, if kitty is that sick, just take her to the vet. She could of just taken kitty to the vet at that point but she chose to stew about it and do nothing, while I was outside working. In the end, I took kitty to the vet, took time off work, bought new cat food and toys, and picked up kitty after work. All she did was work that day. I am doing more than my share and no crying about it either. I am manning up and took care of the situation.
> 
> We had a talk later and I told her, if there is something on your mind, communicate that to me because in the past, she wouldn't and all of a sudden, she gets very emotional. Even her parents told her, you must communicate with Mr. CuddleBug more.


I must have misread something...Did you both take the cat to the vet or was it just you?


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> Having a female friend(s) are okay, but having a physical and sexual wifee is a million times better. I don't need more friends. I need a physical and sexual wifee.


You misunderstand me. It's the WIFE who wants a friend. If you aren't her friend, all you'll have left is sex, and women just don't have the sex drive men have long term, so eventually, neither of you will be happy.


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> What no one is seeing for some reason, baffles me.
> 
> I "did" listen, romance, surprises, flowers, cuddling, got kitty for her as a surprise, and all advices from TAM and e-books. This still did little to nothing to get my wife from sex 1x month over 15 years. I put in the effort, I really did, like many others here have, but if a LD doesn't want to change, they won't change. The LD must want to break the circle they are in, or not. Personally, I think she got comfy in our marriage and didn't want to change, lose the weight, etc. and this went on for 15 years. I've asked her, what turns you on? Fantasies? Toys? I get, I don't know......and nothing happens.


Did you read MMSLP? That has more to do with her wanting sex than romance and flowers.


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> It's not rocket science. The LD spouse should find their other half sexually hot and want crazy sex with them often. Otherwise, that's deceiving them, a little of bait and switch and selfish.


Do you even hear yourself? We LD people should just...change.

Problem solved.

smh

The more you talk, the less surprised I am that she isn't into you.

Let me say it...again: Women have to be emotionally turned on to be sexually turned on. THAT comes from YOU. If you aren't being the partner she needs - and based on how you talk about her, you obviously aren't - she won't want to be intimate with you. Do you ever even ask her how her life is going, if she's getting what she needs from your relationship?


----------



## ILoveSparkles

I would have just taken the cat to the vet myself and had DH keep his phone handy in case I had to reach him if it ended up being a serious issue with the cat and I needed him.

I guess I don't see the big deal.


----------



## CuddleBug

Yes said:


> I would have just taken the cat to the vet myself and had DH keep his phone handy in case I had to reach him if it ended up being a serious issue with the cat and I needed him.
> 
> I guess I don't see the big deal.



Exactly. Couldn't agree with you more.:smthumbup:


----------



## CuddleBug

Kitty is puurrrrrfecttly fine now.

Out of the 4 soft cat foods, I picked the two she liked the most and now I have many cans of both. Puurfect transition from hard to soft cat food.

The drugs are out of her system and she is her old self once again. Running around and enjoying life.

This morning, she hops on the bed, right up to my face, MEOW, so I lift up the sheets and she crawls in under and lays right into my side purring like crazy. She stays there until I get out of bed too.

The area of fur removed for the needles is really starting to grow back now and just now, she jumped in front of the monitor while I am typing, giving me squinky eyes.....

Wherever I go, she has to be in the same room and close to me.

Ginger is such a sweetie. Mrs.CuddleBug calls her a daddy suck.

And now she is back in one of her 3 beds and this one is on the crafts table, so she can nap and see me on the computer.

But for some reason, Mrs.CuddleBug is still upset about kitty, when kitty is just fine.....


And also on my 2nd day off work, I just did:

- kitchen cleaned
- flat stove scrubbed
- dishwasher run and empty
- recycling done
- upstairs and downstairs bathrooms clean and stocked with toilet paper, etc.
- garbage taken out

When Mrs.CuddleBug gets home from work, nothing for her to do. Talk on the phone with her parents and sister (daily), watch some tv and go on her laptop and make food. No sex though.....maybe I should do more like some suggest? NOT!!!


----------



## turnera

Well, one thing you should never do is take over all the chores so that she doesn't have any to do.


----------



## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> Well, one thing you should never do is take over all the chores so that she doesn't have any to do.



heh, I don't do all the chores.....

She loads and runs the washer and dryer and dusts and uses the swiffer too.


I do a little each day so it never piles up. If I do very little, she gets upset there are all these chores to do.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

CuddleBug said:


> Kitty is puurrrrrfecttly fine now.
> 
> Out of the 4 soft cat foods, I picked the two she liked the most and now I have many cans of both. Puurfect transition from hard to soft cat food.
> 
> The drugs are out of her system and she is her old self once again. Running around and enjoying life.
> 
> This morning, she hops on the bed, right up to my face, MEOW, so I lift up the sheets and she crawls in under and lays right into my side purring like crazy. She stays there until I get out of bed too.
> 
> The area of fur removed for the needles is really starting to grow back now and just now, she jumped in front of the monitor while I am typing, giving me squinky eyes.....
> 
> Wherever I go, she has to be in the same room and close to me.
> 
> Ginger is such a sweetie. Mrs.CuddleBug calls her a daddy suck.
> 
> And now she is back in one of her 3 beds and this one is on the crafts table, so she can nap and see me on the computer.
> 
> But for some reason, Mrs.CuddleBug is still upset about kitty, when kitty is just fine.....
> 
> 
> And also on my 2nd day off work, I just did:
> 
> - kitchen cleaned
> - flat stove scrubbed
> - dishwasher run and empty
> - recycling done
> - upstairs and downstairs bathrooms clean and stocked with toilet paper, etc.
> - garbage taken out
> 
> When Mrs.CuddleBug gets home from work, nothing for her to do. Talk on the phone with her parents and sister (daily), watch some tv and go on her laptop and make food. No sex though.....maybe I should do more like some suggest? NOT!!!



With all due respect, this was a thread in regards to you working outside all day and your wife not busy, yet refused to take the cat to the vet without you.

I almost feel like this is a wife-bashing thread because you've brought up sex issues and now domestic/daily life issues. It comes across to me as "I did yardwork all day Saturday and housework on Sunday and my wife did nothing". You said that your wife does chores on Fridays and takes Saturday off. What does she do for chores on Friday if you had to do that whole list on Sunday? I'm confused as to where this thread is going now that the cat is healthy?


----------



## CuddleBug

Yes said:


> With all due respect, this was a thread in regards to you working outside all day and your wife not busy, yet refused to take the cat to the vet without you.
> 
> I almost feel like this is a wife-bashing thread because you've brought up sex issues and now domestic/daily life issues. It comes across to me as "I did yardwork all day Saturday and housework on Sunday and my wife did nothing". You said that your wife does chores on Fridays and takes Saturday off. What does she do for chores on Friday if you had to do that whole list on Sunday? I'm confused as to where this thread is going now that the cat is healthy?



Sorry about that.

Guess what? Mrs. CuddleBug noticed chores were done and within minutes, on me cuddling, 5 minutes later BJ and then upstairs.........nice.:smthumbup:

She does do some chores on her days off work. Dusting our place, load washer and dryer for clothing and swiffer the floors. I do the outside work and some inside chores. On that day when kitty went to the vet, she didn't do any chores and was relaxing watching tv and on her laptop.

But back to kitty now. She loves her turducken and eats it like candy. It actually smells pretty good and Mrs.CuddleBug said if I ever ate some, she would puke......:rofl:


----------



## CuddleBug

Catherine602 said:


> Cuddlebug you make me laugh. Your glee is infectious. Whatever you and wifee are doing, it's working so don't fix it. Just tweak it as needed.



Great advice.:smthumbup:


----------



## Created2Write

Sorry, I don't think his marriage is working at all. It's one-sided. He refuses to admit any wrongdoing in his marriage, ever, and only seeks to blame his wife for everything. It's toxic, and the only reason he acts so happy is that he's finally getting the sex he wants. His wife's happiness means very little. 

But, this is coming from me, so I'm sure he'll jump in to defend himself, tell me where I'm wrong, yadda yadda. As usual.


----------



## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> Sorry about that.
> 
> Guess what? Mrs. CuddleBug noticed chores were done and within minutes, on me cuddling, 5 minutes later BJ and then upstairs.........nice.:smthumbup:


So of course what you are doing is right, is that it? You got sex (this time) so you couldn't possibly be in any way responsible for not getting it as much as you want? Or is it just convenient to parade this instance around when people are starting to question YOUR actions, so you don't have to look at yourself?


----------



## T&T

CB, I'm not trying to be mean at all, but what would you do if the sex came to a grinding halt again? It's be known to happen...

I too was in a sexless marriage for 10 years (My fault and I own that) 

It's taken us a LONG time to get things back on track and we're having the time of our lives! But, we're BOTH very aware that it's a very fine balance and communicate constantly about the smallest things. Without that communication the marriage wouldn't survive. There's just too much baggage from the past and we have to work extra hard to keep that baggage from surfacing again.

Do you think you and your wife have a deep understanding of each others needs? From the outside looking in, I don't see that. You're quick to blame and think sex will solve everything.

Your previous post about her noticing the chores being done and getting a BJ for it seems very shallow and short lived...I'm thinking, so what? 

My advice would be to look long term with short term goals, if that makes sense...


----------



## CuddleBug

There are those who have nothing better to do than nit pick apart posts looking for issues that aren't there and there are those who have positive and constructive help that everyone can learn from.

There are those who see things from a female only perspective and there are those who see things from a male and female whole perspective.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the main reason my wifee had a low sex drive for 15 years was of her making. She was a large girl and never got off her butt to take care of herself. That had nothing to do with me because she was big when we first started dating. Now she is eating right, losing a lot of weight, feels great about herself and actually wants sex.

I don't understand why some then keep on saying, sex is the main thing I always talk about and its sex for everything. It's not at all. Just because I need sex as my main stress reliever doesn't make me, as a HD man, a bad person. Is my wifee a bad person for being very emotional? no. Or her way of unstressing is talking a lot and that makes her a bad person? no. We both handle stress differently and we both know what works for each other and we make the effort to take care of each others needs. Apparently, that isn't good enough either.

We've both taken the 5 love languages quiz and really talked about it afterwards. We know each others main love languages, why and we posted it on the fridge as a daily reminder. Simple and it worked wonders for us.

Certain ladies here obviously don't consider sex very important to them, therefore it must be the same for myself and others.

My wifee is very happy in our marriage thank you very much but based other others negative responses, their marriages have serious issues that need addressing.
She feels much more sexy, loves the way she is transforming, no more physical pain issues, loves buying her new clothes, shoes, changing hairstyles, modeling them to me and enjoys sex. Wow, what a concept. Those who still think she is miserable at this point are clearly delusional and must reflect their own situations. She initiates sex because she likes it and wants it, like she did after work. I was chilling on the couch when she suddenly jumped on me and started up, all on her own. But it must be me and I'm pushing her for sex? Not at all. That's nonsense.

I'm a HD man and I could have sex every day. Do I then initiate sex with her every day, expecting sex? Of course not. I initiate maybe 2 -3x week. So is that me always pushing her for sex? Not at all.

My wifee doesn't communicate what's on her mind at times and it does build up, true. Her parents even told her to stop this and communicate more often with me!!! But its my fault as well? Apparently so.

Tonight, I will give her a nice foot and back massage. No sex, just cuddling and a good nights sleep. But it must be only always about sex with me.....

Compared to when we first got married to present day, our marriage has done a 180 in all aspects, for the both of us and much learned from TAM.

My wifee is not a princess, she is actually educated, intelligent, kind, loving, positive, getting a sex drive and in shape for the first time in her life. I support her, eat the same, listen to her and give her space when she needs it. She is not a spoiled brat, she is frugal and amazing.

But there are those who will still say, she is miserable, bad marriage and all I want from her is sex........no and they are speaking about their own situations. I really pity their husbands......I really do. Since they're having issues, they project that onto others and say others must be having those similar issues.....and they're never wrong either and that's the problem.

I predict, one year from now, Mrs.CuddleBug will lose a lot more weight, best shape in her entire life, wear even sexier clothes she's always wanted to wear, and when she gets close to pre menopause, her sex drive may increase even more, while mine is probably going down. I bet she will wear sexy lingerie for the first time and we'll be in the shower together for the first time as well. Some will still have negative responses and say my marriage is bad, she is miserable and all I want is sex from her........delusional.:rofl::scratchhead:


----------



## CuddleBug

Anyway, back to kitty.

After she had the majority of her teeth removed, we noticed no more kitty breath. So I guess cleaning her healthy teeth, removing all the bad ones and getting rid of the plaque made a huge difference for her. Maybe that was why she would puke up her food now and then? Unhealthy from the bad teeth and plaque build up?

But she is back to her old ways and wanting attention all the time. I get home and have a nap on couch and she always jumps in between my legs and has a nap facing me. She never gets up until I wake up, its cute.

She is such a suck and cute girl and I hope she lives a good 20 years.


----------



## FizzBomb

turnera said:


> You misunderstand me. It's the WIFE who wants a friend. If you aren't her friend, all you'll have left is sex, and *women just don't have the sex drive men have long term*, so eventually, neither of you will be happy.


Lets not generalise here. This is not true of all women. It's also not true of all men. It is individual.

I think Cuddlebug's wife needs to improve her communication skills and should have taken the cat to the vet herself while he worked in the garden. How hard could it be? Apparently she was sitting on the sofa on the laptop. :scratchhead:

No, I don't think he should have stopped his yardwork to comfort her because she was crying - she should have gotten off the laptop and taken the cat to the vet. She's not a child that needs comforting, she is an adult. That's ridiculous. I think that is making a mountain out of a molehill. Just take the bloody cat to the vet already.  

I get Cuddlebug's resentment from getting hardly any sex for years of his marriage. Especially being HD, yes that's on his mind a lot. Naturally.

Glad to hear your cat is feeling better.


----------



## CuddleBug

FizzBomb said:


> Lets not generalise here. This is not true of all women. It's also not true of all men. It is individual.
> 
> I think Cuddlebug's wife needs to improve her communication skills and should have taken the cat to the vet herself while he worked in the garden. How hard could it be? Apparently she was sitting on the sofa on the laptop. :scratchhead:
> 
> No, I don't think he should have stopped his yardwork to comfort her because she was crying - she should have gotten off the laptop and taken the cat to the vet. She's not a child that needs comforting, she is an adult. That's ridiculous. I think that is making a mountain out of a molehill. Just take the bloody cat to the vet already.
> 
> I get Cuddlebug's resentment from getting hardly any sex for years of his marriage. Especially being HD, yes that's on his mind a lot. Naturally.
> 
> Glad to hear your cat is feeling better.



Mrs.CuddleBug and I were mainly friends, with little to no sex for the first 15 years of our marriage. Result, we weren't that close and fought over stupid things because that bond wasn't there. You don't marry a friend, you marry a sexually loving wifee. Some ladies would rather have a friend hubby than a sexual one. My wifee isn't that way anymore.:smthumbup:

She is getting better at communicating, true but still has some ways to go, cat being the latest example.

Agreed. She should of just taken kitty to the vet and woman'd up. What she did was silly, so true.

I don't have the resentment I used to have about the complete lack of sex but it does rear its ugly head once in a while still.

Ginger, is such a good girl.....


----------



## turnera

FizzBomb said:


> Lets not generalise here. This is not true of all women. It's also not true of all men. It is individual.


It's generalizable enough that it's part of main academia. And no one here is stupid enough to think that such a statement falls on all people.

He came here asking for advice on how he deals with his wife. We are merely expanding on what we see when he writes. If he's happy, he wouldn't be posting. And his defense is to blast those of us who question him by saying we're miserable old goats who want to tear everyone down to our level.

Whatever.

Good luck, CB.


----------



## Catherine602

CuddleBug said:


> Anyway, back to kitty.
> 
> After she had the majority of her teeth removed, we noticed no more kitty breath. So I guess cleaning her healthy teeth, removing all the bad ones and getting rid of the plaque made a huge difference for her. Maybe that was why she would puke up her food now and then? Unhealthy from the bad teeth and plaque build up?
> 
> But she is back to her old ways and wanting attention all the time. I get home and have a nap on couch and she always jumps in between my legs and has a nap facing me. She never gets up until I wake up, its cute.
> 
> She is such a suck and cute girl and I hope she lives a good 20 years.


Does she need special food now that she does not have a full compliment of teeth? I didn't know cats had tooth problems. Is your forum picture of your cat?


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## CuddleBug

Catherine602 said:


> Does she need special food now that she does not have a full compliment of teeth? I didn't know cats had tooth problems. Is your forum picture of your cat?



Before I picked up kitty from the vet, I bought her 4 different soft cat foods. Mrs.CuddleBug and I observed she liked the chicken and turkey the best, so I bought the other two chicken and turkey chicken brands. She eats the soft cat food like candy and had zero issues transitioning from hard to soft cat food. She is completely herself and into everything again, love our kitty.

She only has a few teeth left in the front of her mouth. All the rest fell out over time due to genetic deterioration, normal for all aging cats and one big top and bottom chomping teeth. No pics of her yet....

Mrs.CuddleBug surprised me yesterday and told me, I bought workout clothes for the gym..........:smthumbup:

After we took the 5 love languages quiz, that opened our eyes to each other and the little to no sex issue is gone. Instead of her not seeing my sexual need, only 1x month, now she understands me way better so an unspoken middle ground up to 3x week. I know she loves to do acts of service so I help her in anyway I can for that and other things.


----------



## CuddleBug

Took the kitty in just 4 hours ago for her final vet checkup and everything was in the clear.

Got kitty home and she was pissed at us, hissing and not letting us get near her or even touch her.

1 hour later, she is starting to let us pet her again but still uneasy.

I gave her a lot of food and she ate and drink her fill.

Only 2 hours after that, she started puking and I mean she puked at least 9x in 30 minutes. Mrs.CuddleBug and I were running around with paper towels.

Now kiity seems to have stopped puking and is relaxing in our bedroom, cleaned herself and starting to have a nap and she lets me pet her.


Only thing I can think of:

- she was very stressed from going back to the vet and couldn't keep down her food.
- all the different animals have their sicknesses and bacteria and that also got her a little sick

Otherwise, I have no clue. Maybe at 14 years old, she is starting to die? Really don't know at this point.

Mrs.CuddleBug is very upset so I cuddled with her on the couch, holding her until she started to fall asleep. Of course watching a tv show on rescuing dogs and giving them back to loving homes didn't help and then the cat from hell came on and there was a cat with one eye and had brain issues, not being able to walk properly......made Mrs.CuddleBug even more upset, so I changed the channel and surprised her with supper.


----------



## FizzBomb

CuddleBug said:


> then the cat from hell came on and there was a cat with one eye and had brain issues, not being able to walk properly......made Mrs.CuddleBug even more upset, so I changed the channel and surprised her with supper.


I saw that episode. My children and I normally watch it together. That was one unusual cat!

I hope your cat is doing better today - could be an age thing or as you say, stressed from having to go back to the vet and all that that entails.

It's great to hear that your sexual frequency has increased. You must be over the moon compared with the old 1x a month rate.


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## mablenc

Glad to read your update, the cat may be tramatized from last time. She may remember how she felt and not realize she got better due to that visit. Maybe the puking is anxiety related?

Kuddos to you for changing channels, I get glued to depressing shows and my husband does the samething.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kilgore

FizzBomb said:


> I saw that episode. My children and I normally watch it together. That was one unusual cat!
> 
> I hope your cat is doing better today - could be an age thing or as you say, stressed from having to go back to the vet and all that that entails.
> 
> It's great to hear that your sexual frequency has increased. You must be over the moon compared with the old 1x a month rate.


fizz - you should be the TAM sex therapist


----------



## FizzBomb

kilgore said:


> fizz - you should be the TAM sex therapist


position's already filled long before I got here, dang it! Would've been a fun job.


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## kilgore

FizzBomb said:


> position's already filled long before I got here, dang it! Would've been a fun job.


for real, though, you are very positive about improving your marital sex life, role-playing, shaving (lol), etc. optimisim is infectious


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## that_girl

Sometimes, a woman just wants her man to see her crying and hug her. She shouldn't have to voice it.

She definitely shouldn't have to apologize for showing emotion. Wow.

That just breaks intimacy. 

I live in a home where emotions are "not allowed". I say that because my husband is like you. I still show emotion but I talk to other people about it (girl friends, sisters). I should be able to talk to him but, like you, he says he can't handle it.

Well, that just puts a wedge there. I can't handle his incessant talk about cars, but I listen...well, I listened more in the beginning when he was more receptive of my emotions.

When my stepdad died, my husband did nothing. Later he said I should have asked for support. 

THE F*CK.

Yea. Do what you do, but....don't break her. No one should ever apologize for how they feel.

FTR: We are both HD people. but this stuff over the years, among other things, has decreased my desire for him. Hard to be intimate with someone who can't "handle me" .


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## that_girl

I read your update. I'm glad it's working out.

But yea...prepare for kitty to perhaps pass  It's so hard.


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## CuddleBug

I washed the cat's water and food dishes, so they're very clean.

I waited a few hours before giving kitty fresh water. She drank a lot and then seconds later, puked it up 2x. She hasn't puked since though, so tonight, no water or food.

Funny thing, she is alert, playing with string, running up and down the stairs and enjoys getting petted again, so I honestly don't know what it is, besides she got extremely stressed out from the vet, the car made her more stressed, then she ate after getting home and the stress make her sick so she puked everything up for 1 hour. Total times she puked up was 10x tonight.

Mrs.CuddleBug is upset and has also been chatting with her parents and sister about this. They seem to think its stress related from the vet and possible other animals sicknesses, bacteria, etc, Ginger, our cat has been inside her entire life and never exposed to other animals.

I am mentally ready for kitty to pass or be put down. Mrs.CuddleBug won't even entertain that notion, so I won't mention it anymore until we get to that point.

Today, my wifee wants to talk about her work, so I completely stopped gaming and gave her 100% of my attention. She noticed, talked more and even came back with her email to head office for me to check over. Only think I suggested was talk to her boss and get this guy fired for not doing his job and getting away with it. She agrees and will talk to her boss and now there is a meeting.....she was getting emotional and I listened and tried not to solve her problems, just be more supportive and listen.

If kitty dies or needs to be put down, I will be upset and miss her but I will get another kitty and not wait years to do so. Maybe two this time? To keep each other company.

I love watching My Cat From Hell. The guy is so cool and knows how to get to cats. Would be a fun guy to meet.

There was American's Most Funny Cat. My fav was the obese orange kitty that had his tummy hanging out, sitting on a window edge, with his legs out and looked like, I want a beer.....hilarious.:smthumbup:

I agree that sex 1x month is horrible and only enough to keep the marriage going. That's not cool at all. To me, sex every day because I am HD but an unspoken compromise, 3x week is fine, so I initiate 2x week and my wifee does 1x week. It works for us.

I'm not into cars, trucks or that stuff. I'm more a tech guy, TV systems, computers, iPod's, laptops, etc. My wifee has a newer better equipped car than I do. heh. But I enjoy landscaping, doing upgrades for our place, investing, bills, and that stuff too.


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## Binji

Are there other ways to relieve your stress besides sex? Maybe you could work on other ways to relieve your stress, or lower your drive to match your wife's drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

Cuddle I love reading your posts the detail is great. I think the interaction you described and your thought processes is best example of advice in action. Thanks for posting. It helps me to keep my nose to the grind stone or something less unpleasant ..... can't think of anything.


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## CuddleBug

Speaking only for myself, a HD hubby, sex is the #1 stress reliever for me. #2 is computer gaming, #3 is weight training. #4 is landscaping

But sex doesn't only release my stress, it also bonds me to Mrs.CuddleBug more than computer gaming, weight training and landscaping do.


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## CuddleBug

Kitty Update:


We took away the dishes for the night but found 2 small puke spots in the morning.

I gave kitty a fresh dish of water. She was very thirsty, drank too much at once (is my guess) and 5 seconds later puked it up. Straight clear water puke. So I waited a bit and tried again, but this time, small amount of water. She hasn't puked.

Then it dawned on me. What if the tinned cat food is bad????

So I threw it out and tried the other Chicken Pate brand. I only gave her a thumb nail size amount. She ate it, licked the bowl and 30 minutes later is fine. No puking.

I will continue to watch her and see if she pukes. If she doesn't puke, I am wondering, bad tin of cat food???

But I've read that tinned cat food is safer and healthier than dry cat food. True?

I have decided to only feed her that one brand Chicken Pate Ultra because it didn't make her sick like the TurDucken seemed to do and she likes it. Simple, one type of soft cat food she likes.

Funny thing is, Ginger, our kitty, is active, alert, running around, purring, waiting for me to give her water in the bathroom sinks. I taught her that one.


Any ideas to why she got sick and puked that many times but seems fine now?


Mrs.CuddleBug is very stressed, so I gave her a big hug and now she is on the phone with her parents and then sister, talking about kitty.


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## that_girl

Maybe she didn't like the food. Maybe she's allergic to something in it? Or maybe ate too fast.

My friend's cat pukes when he eats too fast. He LOVES a certain food but if given all at once, he'll chow down and puke. So she basically spoon feeds him. (He's 15 and old and skinny and on his way to the other side soon...so spoon feeding is not a big deal. He's an old man!  She's had him since a kitten).


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## CuddleBug

that_girl said:


> Maybe she didn't like the food. Maybe she's allergic to something in it? Or maybe ate too fast.
> 
> My friend's cat pukes when he eats too fast. He LOVES a certain food but if given all at once, he'll chow down and puke. So she basically spoon feeds him. (He's 15 and old and skinny and on his way to the other side soon...so spoon feeding is not a big deal. He's an old man!  She's had him since a kitten).



I guess I have an old woman kitty then? She is 14 years old but hasn't slowed down yet, alert, loves to run around and play and is filled, not skinny.

I fed her that TurDucken all last week and she never puked.

I'm thinking the vet and being in the car made her very stressed and she couldn't keep anything down? For 12 hours or so?

Our kitty does drink water too fast and will sometimes pukes so when I let her drink in the sinks, I only give her a smaller amount from the taps. No puking.

Aren't kitties fun?


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## CuddleBug

After I gave kitty a small amount of food and water, she was fine for 2 hours. No puking.

I just gave her some more food and water, small amount and moments later she puked 2x. She hasn't puked since and is running around like usual.

Could she of got sick from the vet because the puking started 4 hours after getting home from the vet?

Before that, no puking for the entire week with her new soft cat foods and she was eating 4 hours after the dental surgery.

Or super stressed out making her sick?

I'm at a loss here and Mrs.CuddleBug is not handling this well, so she goes on her laptop.

This is the first time all this puking has occurred. Just before we took her in to the vet, finding out her teeth needed to be pulled and get rid of the plaque and now after the vet checkup, puked 4 hours later 9x in one hour and now 2x after eating twice in 2 hours.

Very odd........

If she was allergic to the soft cat food, wouldn't she puke it up soon afterwards and not 1 week later and after the vet checkup?:scratchhead:


Update:

I just replaced her soft cat food with the most tummy friendly, least chance of allergy soft cat food and they have few ingredients, so that can be ruled out now. Only time will tell......stressed out from the vet and got sick or something really bad, getting older, more blood work and possibly put down.

I had that chat with Mrs.CuiddleBug and she told me, no way she could go to the vet or be there when if our kitty is put down. I told her, I will take her to the vet, hold her while they inject her, give her comfort, looking at her and then she falls permanently asleep, happily with me, daddy cat holding her. Mrs.CuddleBug broke down and cried hard but she has to be mentally ready if this is the end result. I didn't get angry at her for getting upset, hug, talking and some space for Mrs.CuddleBug.


Update:

kitty just woke up, came downstairs, drank water and went back upstairs to nap on our bed. No puking yet and its been a while......maybe she is on the mend?

The delivery driver told me her cat had a blockage and couldn't go to the litter box properly so she would puke food up. Something I should ask the vet. She also said it might be her stomach, something in it blocking, so to check that out as well.

But the biggest tip was use Amforol to make sure its not food poisoning. If it is, this will kill that in a few days and kitty will be back to normal. I will tell the vet.


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## turnera

CB, look into natural catfood. It's really much better than the canned stuff you buy at the store. The store stuff is like us eating Hamburger Helper and all the preservatives and stuff that comes with it.


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## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> CB, look into natural catfood. It's really much better than the canned stuff you buy at the store. The store stuff is like us eating Hamburger Helper and all the preservatives and stuff that comes with it.



Okay, great idea.

Where can I buy natural soft cat food that's not canned? Brands?

I thought soft cat food was only canned?


She is starting to drink a lot of water and no puking in 4 hours now. I think she is on the mend.......yes?


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## Binji

Does your wife need sex to bond, as much as you? I knew a guy who had the same problem as you, and he decided to lower libido or his sex drive
So there wouldnt be anymore issues with his wife. Not sure of the specifics or how it turned out, but maybe its worth a look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

You can't really lower a sex drive.

You can try to ignore it but you can't make it go away.
Just like a LD person can't amp theirs up.


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## turnera

CuddleBug said:


> Okay, great idea.
> 
> Where can I buy natural soft cat food that's not canned? Brands?
> 
> I thought soft cat food was only canned?
> 
> 
> She is starting to drink a lot of water and no puking in 4 hours now. I think she is on the mend.......yes?


I like this one.
Home

But Sojos is my favorite. We use them for the dog food - mix with water and they scarf it up so fast you may as well just stay bent over from handing it to them.

Also look for a niche pet food store near you, most cities have them, where they sell natural food rather than the big brands at the box stores.


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## CuddleBug

My wifee's love language is Acts of Service 12, so no, her bonding is not as physical and sexual as mine. I am HD and she was LD and now close to AD "average drive".


I have tried to ignore my sex drive and after 1 month of no physical intimacy and sex, I go stir crazy. Not happening or I have a HD woman who wants only sex on the side.


There are natural supps that do raise ones sex drive a lot and they're cheap and safe.


Natural Planet Organics, bookmarked. THX.:smthumbup:


I found IAMS hard cat food protection for senior cats and its chicken, her favorite. I also found canned IAMS chicken and beef for mature adults, pro health as well. As soon as I put the food in her dish, it was inhaled!!! I know she liked IAMS but now I understand, IAMS is her favorite type and nothing else I've tried she really loves, just IAMS. So half of her bowl is chicken and the other half beef with the hard senior cat food mixed through out as well. Best of three worlds.


She hasn't puked since 2:30pm ish and now its 11pm. She started turning around by drinking a lot of water many times and it stayed in her, no puking. I then tried a little soft IAMS, GONE, INHALED. I waited, no puking and she wanted more. I read IAMS is not as hard on cats with sensitive stomachs so maybe there is something to that and my cat is sensitive?! Maybe that's part of the reason she puked after eating the other brands soft cat food? She was stressed from the vet and the cat foods didn't completely agree with her.


There is a big dog/cat store close by called Bosleys' and I buy our organic cat litter, toys and everything but the cat food from them. The IAMS I could only get at the SaveOnFoods, big grocery store nearby as well. Bosley's only sells the organic brand named cat and dog foods but no IAMS.


Right now she is sleeping and seems fine. So all this occurred in a 24 hour period. Wow!!!:scratchhead:


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## turnera

IAMS is the best of the regular brand name stuff. It's what I use, too, when I don't order the other stuff. Another thing you should do is give her real chicken, shredded into the cat food, and rice, unless your vet said not to. Every time one of our animals gets sick, our vet says to give them that. Kind of like Pepto Bismol for animals. And it regulates their stool.


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## CuddleBug

turnera said:


> IAMS is the best of the regular brand name stuff. It's what I use, too, when I don't order the other stuff. Another thing you should do is give her real chicken, shredded into the cat food, and rice, unless your vet said not to. Every time one of our animals gets sick, our vet says to give them that. Kind of like Pepto Bismol for animals. And it regulates their stool.



Awesome. I remember a friend of mine telling me IAMS was recommended to him for his cat as well.

Making real chicken and rice for kitty I have never done before, but I could once in a while. I know we do give her real chicken when we eat it and she loves it.

I will from now on make her real chicken with rice in her IAMS cat food when she is sick or as a treat. I like that. 

Nothings to good for our baby girl, Ginger.:smthumbup:


Update: She didn't puke at all over night. She only puked once in the morning but before she did, she gave us a loud howl. Mrs.CuddleBug and I think she was annoyed with us, so she did a small puke on purpose that time.

Since then, I give her 50% chicken and 50% beef soft IAMS and she licks her plate clean. I also soak her hard IAMS senior cat food for 45 minutes and feed her that as well. I guess they don't make softer senior cat food and only canned or hard?

Right now she is sleeping in her carrier and no puke anywhere and she is using her litter box. I even bought her a mini carpet that goes in front of her little box so her paws are not on tile and she can clean them as well. It worked.

No more vet trips for her unless something is obviously wrong because it stresses her out too much......I've learned more about cats and ours in 24 hours than in the 12 years we've had her and she is 14 now.


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## ScarletBegonias

We give our little princess pibble the blue buffalo grain free limited ingredient stuff. They might have it in kitty formula. She has horrifying allergies and major tummy problems.This is the only food I've tried that doesn't make her puke. We went through 10 different dry foods then tried the raw diet then tried the canned food diet too. NOTHING worked...I think I cried a little when she ate the blue buffalo stuff and didn't vomit.
Good luck!!


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## Kerry

Hi Mr. C.

First, let me say that I see no sides here. I see two people doing what they can with what they have.

It does sound to me as though you are task (logic) oriented and your wife is people (feeling) oriented. Both have their merits and you can make a good team when you leave space for each other to bring forth their best.

You asked this question:


> How could I or should I of handled this better?


I don't think this is a matter of handling just this *one* circumstance better (though the comment about a long hug is super kind on your part), but a matter of looking at the pattern in your relationship that feeds your wife's trouble in making a decision.

Is it possible that you have played a role in holder her in a place of being indecisive? Do you ever second guess her decisions or complain about them later? She might be afraid of displeasing you.

I think by changing your view of her a bit might help too. Do you have confidence in her (I mean...deep down, not lip service confidence). Just because someone is "emotionally sensitive" doesn't mean they can't make good decisions. In fact, intuition can be very valuable. 

So, if you say to her, "Honey, I trust your judgment and will back whatever decision you make" or "How can I help in making this decision?" and then NOT second-guessing her decisions, you will help her get back to trusting her instincts. Women have powerful instincts, but we tend to look to our men for strength and logic. When we leave room for both in a relationship, it can create powerful and beautiful outcomes.

Also, is there some middle ground here (and boundaries)? Could you ask her what she wants from you? When she says "come with me to the vet," can you kindly put a boundary on that... "I would love to, but I really need to take care of these errands. I really trust you to handle it, but call me if you need to discuss any other decisions."

I am someone who is an equal split between emotion and logic. I can be pure emotion, but I also know how to put things into a "spreadsheet" and weigh them out. So, I tend to understand (and appreciate) both sides of these struggles.

I hope this is helpful. 

Kerry


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## CuddleBug

ScarletBegonias said:


> We give our little princess pibble the blue buffalo grain free limited ingredient stuff. They might have it in kitty formula. She has horrifying allergies and major tummy problems.This is the only food I've tried that doesn't make her puke. We went through 10 different dry foods then tried the raw diet then tried the canned food diet too. NOTHING worked...I think I cried a little when she ate the blue buffalo stuff and didn't vomit.
> Good luck!!



Isn't it interesting how finicky cats are with food?:scratchhead:

We settled on IAMS for her soft and hard cat food because she likes it the most and no puking. I guess IAMS is easier on a cat's tummy after all.

In the last 24 hours, she has only puked from a hairball once and that's it and now she is sleeping on our bed.

She is still not her old self, a little sluggish and not as affectionate but I hope as the days progress, she will bounce back.


----------



## CuddleBug

Kerry said:


> Hi Mr. C.
> 
> First, let me say that I see no sides here. I see two people doing what they can with what they have.
> 
> It does sound to me as though you are task (logic) oriented and your wife is people (feeling) oriented. Both have their merits and you can make a good team when you leave space for each other to bring forth their best.
> 
> You asked this question:
> 
> 
> I don't think this is a matter of handling just this *one* circumstance better (though the comment about a long hug is super kind on your part), but a matter of looking at the pattern in your relationship that feeds your wife's trouble in making a decision.
> 
> Is it possible that you have played a role in holder her in a place of being indecisive? Do you ever second guess her decisions or complain about them later? She might be afraid of displeasing you.
> 
> I think by changing your view of her a bit might help too. Do you have confidence in her (I mean...deep down, not lip service confidence). Just because someone is "emotionally sensitive" doesn't mean they can't make good decisions. In fact, intuition can be very valuable.
> 
> So, if you say to her, "Honey, I trust your judgment and will back whatever decision you make" or "How can I help in making this decision?" and then NOT second-guessing her decisions, you will help her get back to trusting her instincts. Women have powerful instincts, but we tend to look to our men for strength and logic. When we leave room for both in a relationship, it can create powerful and beautiful outcomes.
> 
> Also, is there some middle ground here (and boundaries)? Could you ask her what she wants from you? When she says "come with me to the vet," can you kindly put a boundary on that... "I would love to, but I really need to take care of these errands. I really trust you to handle it, but call me if you need to discuss any other decisions."
> 
> I am someone who is an equal split between emotion and logic. I can be pure emotion, but I also know how to put things into a "spreadsheet" and weigh them out. So, I tend to understand (and appreciate) both sides of these struggles.
> 
> I hope this is helpful.
> 
> Kerry



I am more logical and getting it done were as she is more feeling and emotional. So very true.

Sometimes I have done things her way, even after I give my 2 cents to why it probably isn't the best solution. We did it her way anyway and it didn't work out. So what I do is simple. If she has a great idea, we do it her way, without question. If I have a better idea, we do it my way without question. I am more the getting things done type, initiator and leader and she is more the type to talk about it, find issues and not be proactive and get it done. I don't complain and I find ways to get it done. She does complain and gets upset and it doesn't get done. Just the way Mrs.CuddleBug and I are different.

There have been ideas and decisions she's made that are fantastic and I definitely tell her that.

When our cat was taken back to the vet for her final checkup, my wifee wanted me to do it again. But I was doing chores and errands all day, again and wasn't done until 3pm. She also had the day off but chose to watch tv, her laptop and take 2 hours having a shower, getting ready to go out. I told her, take the cat and thank you and she did.

The next day kitty was very sick and my wifee was upset she had to go for her car appointment. I told her, I am home and go to your car appointment and I can grocery shop the next day. She went and I watched kitty and grocery shopped the next day.

My wifee is a passive woman and if I was also passive, nothing would get done, lots of talking and going no where, and no one would be taking the initiative and leading. That's were I come in because I am the leader and initiator and she likes that. Just the way she is. Call it more alpha male, etc.


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## CuddleBug

Ginger is doing much better now, eating and drinking, no puking, not as sluggish and being affectionate again. Not 100% like before, but definitely getting way better.:smthumbup:

This is one of her scratching posts that she also uses as a bed.


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## Big Mama

What a beautiful kitty. Thank for sharing. I am glad kitty is improving. In regards to your wife, If you love her kitty she will love you back. (no pun intended)


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## CuddleBug

Big Mama said:


> What a beautiful kitty. Thank for sharing. I am glad kitty is improving. In regards to your wife, If you love her kitty she will love you back. (no pun intended)



THx. Ginger is our sweety and she knows it.

Ginger loves her new soft and hard IAMS and no more puking since that weekend, so 4+ days now.

She keeps me safe on that scratching post while I'm in the computer.


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