# What should I do now???



## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Hubby and I have been living separately since last December.(_Together 5 years, married 3.5 years- no kids together. Dysfunctional blending family issues._ ) We have tried to see each other quite often however, and have been living a roller coaster relationship. Its one of those situations where the issues we have....well neither of us can live with a solution. And there are SOOOOO many problems.

The other night he took me to see that new movie, Hope Springs. There were so many parallels, it was kind of awkward. Anyway I had not really considered marital counseling....but the movie made me think that we ought to give it a shot. I asked him tonight if he would be willing to go.:smthumbup:

Nope. I asked why, and he said that we already know what our issues are. I said...yeah but we don't know how to work through our issues:scratchhead:. Conversation over. A couple of hours later I mentioned it again, and asked if he was sure he would not be willing to go to marriage counseling with me. He said no.

So help me please. How do you go forward from that? I'm dying here, I don't even know what to do or say. I think I might go to counseling on my own anyway....but do I push him, give him an ultimatum, threaten to be 'done'. When is it finally time to throw in the towel?


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## LockeCPM4 (Jul 11, 2012)

I would say go to counseling yourself. It helps.

And maybe stop talking to him for a while. Let him miss you.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

If you give an ultimatum or "make" him go, he will resent you for it. And, he won't receive the full benefit of MC if he's not open-minded. 

At this point, you can only control your own actions. Go to IC and work on yourself. Hopefully, he will see the changes in you and your relationship and want to change as well.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree. Don't try to force him, no good will come of that. Go yourself, work on yourself and show him what he might lose.

Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ImStillHere said:


> If you give an ultimatum or "make" him go, he will resent you for it. And, he won't receive the full benefit of MC if he's not open-minded.
> 
> At this point, you can only control your own actions. Go to IC and work on yourself. Hopefully, he will see the changes in you and your relationship and want to change as well.


It's a subtle shift.

Without realizing it, as you become more comfortable in your own skin, you become more pleasant to be with.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

I can relate to your situation, as my husband initiated our separation, moved out in April, and has refused MC. Since your separation began, how much contact have you had with him and on what basis (no intimacy)? Has he shown any interest in reconciling? My H was wanting to get together socially about 1x/week and maybe call or email 1x/week, and it became too painful for me, because I do not want to be "just friends" when we have been so much more to each other. Accepting crumbs from him, while he kept me in limbo and refused to do MC was making me feel devalued, so 2 weeks ago I told him I could no longer have any contact with him unless he should change his mind about MC or for business purposses. I have felt better ever since! It is such a relief to no longer feel like he is calling the shots and keeping me bonded to a husband who is not putting priority on me and the marriage. I lost respect for him, because to me, refusing MC = giving up on the marriage without trying. My intention is not to "force" him into MC, but to stop torturing myself with hope of reconciliation, when his action of refusing MC tells me he does not care enough about the marriage to even try helping it to succeed. Call this an ultimatum if you want -- to me it is a healthy boundary that finally got me out of limbo and feeling much better, whatever the outcome!

Just food for thought if hanging out with him while he shows no commitment to working on the marriage is painful for you, as it was for me. As Conrad would say, I am not OK with that!" LOL,

Cheers, A12


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Thanks so much for the words! Its amazing how it helps me to be strong, and it helps to solidify in my mind where I'm really at. 

Him and I just came back from lunch. I asked him straight up what his intentions are with me. He said he just didn't know. He said that he loves to see me and spend time with me, but he loves his time without me too.

I told him that we need to go one way or another, 100%. I told him that I want a true no-contact separation for a period of time. We decided no contact at all with one another until the weekend after Thanksgiving. At that time we will get together for lunch and make a commitment to either get divorced or jump back into the marriage. This is going to be so hard for me. My insides ache.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jojara said:


> Thanks so much for the words! Its amazing how it helps me to be strong, and it helps to solidify in my mind where I'm really at.
> 
> Him and I just came back from lunch. I asked him straight up what his intentions are with me. He said he just didn't know. He said that he loves to see me and spend time with me, but he loves his time without me too.
> 
> I told him that we need to go one way or another, 100%. I told him that I want a true no-contact separation for a period of time. We decided no contact at all with one another until the weekend after Thanksgiving. At that time we will get together for lunch and make a commitment to either get divorced or jump back into the marriage. This is going to be so hard for me. My insides ache.


Use that time to focus on yourself. Work at becoming strong and confident. Get ready to knock his socks off the next time he sees you. Not only will it help you grow as a person, it will help pass the time. And, whatever the outcome of your next meeting, you will be able to handle it better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jojara said:


> Thanks so much for the words! Its amazing how it helps me to be strong, and it helps to solidify in my mind where I'm really at.
> 
> Him and I just came back from lunch. I asked him straight up what his intentions are with me. He said he just didn't know. He said that he loves to see me and spend time with me, but he loves his time without me too.
> 
> I told him that we need to go one way or another, 100%. I told him that I want a true no-contact separation for a period of time. We decided no contact at all with one another until the weekend after Thanksgiving. At that time we will get together for lunch and make a commitment to either get divorced or jump back into the marriage. This is going to be so hard for me. My insides ache.


Find a good counselor.

We can help you find one.

Set up appt's and go 2x/week until then.

You'll be aces. Trust me on this.

You have many here in your corner.


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you. I called and left a message with a counselor here in my area. Scary...!!!!!!!!!

My mom used to tell me that when bad things happen, to take a day and feel sorry for yourself...then pick yourself up- fake it till you make it. I let myself feel sorry for myself all weekend. Didnt even get out of my jammies yesterday. So today...Im at work and I'm faking it. I changed my ipod music and am not listening to the sad love songs...(well mostly lol).


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## LockeCPM4 (Jul 11, 2012)

Jojara said:


> Thank you. I called and left a message with a counselor here in my area. Scary...!!!!!!!!!
> 
> My mom used to tell me that when bad things happen, to take a day and feel sorry for yourself...then pick yourself up- fake it till you make it. I let myself feel sorry for myself all weekend. Didnt even get out of my jammies yesterday. So today...Im at work and I'm faking it. I changed my ipod music and am not listening to the sad love songs...(well mostly lol).


Your mom gave you good advice. Counseling will help too, trust me on this. Be strong and know that the pain will come and go, but will gradually subside to a point of being manageable.


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