# Am i too demanding?



## gaz1 (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi Forum 

I have really been impressed with the quality of the discussions in here. I would appreciate ur opinion. Honest opinion. 

I am a 37 yo male, my partner and have been together for almost 2 years and we have a 4 month old dau. We knew each other for 2 years before and she actually worked for me for a short time during those 2 years as "friends". 

When we first got together it was magical and everything i wanted ever. We used to fight a bit esp in the first few months as we tested each others boundaries etc. We were both scarred from prior relationships, a mutual friend helped us grasp this was creating us testing each other and we moved into a great period. We lost a pet in that period - Aug 09 - and it hurt her badly but other than that she was happy and content and wanted me to be close and intimate. She still mourns the pet 18 months later and cries at his loss. 

We decided we wanted kids, we tried but due to history we suspected some issues so we had some tests. It turned out the only chance we had was IVF. We committed a large amount of money to it and effort but were successful on the first try. I was the happiest man alive. She was a wonderful woman and she was carrying my baby - i burst with pride!!!

Then it got complicated she become OCD about everything. She was paranoid about stuff such as germs and food and fumes. I did get this and supported it. She was very keen to do the best thing for the baby. The pressure of the IVF on her was huge physically and I supported her 100% and accepted she would be overly sensitive to risks. 

The birth was difficult and I thought I had lost her at one point due to a complication, I watched her deteriorate after the birth for a few days after which she improved, despite a scare about her spine and paralysis. I was there all week in hospital, she needed me and I did everything i could to support her. I even went outside one night and sobbed for 30 mins just so i could cope with being strong for her in the ward and not show my fears. Our child was 100% fine and stunning. I spent many a happy night wheeling her round the hospital as I let my gf sleep. I changed her first nappies and fed her as my gf recovered. 

When we got home my gf has proved to be a wonderful mum. She is not a wonderful gf though. We have hardly had any intimacy, she nevers tells me she loves me anymore and is cold towards me. I am demanding and we talk about being both high maintenance. 

She has accused me of having an affair. She hates my mother as my mother didnt hold the baby right. She has very few friends despite us joining a new familty support network and refuses to go out other than walk round the block. She is very protective of our dau. 

We have massive fights - some my fault as i feel I am now redundant to her - she adores the baby and is great with her. But what about me? The arguments as banal but revolve around the share of work in the house and sex. We are both very highly sexed but she is now not into at all and refuses to talk about it anymore. 

She is OCD now about flu and is not keen on going out in case she catches it and doenst like me going out in case i catch it. 

Her sister thinks she has post natal depression and now I am not disagreeing anymore. 

I left for work one morning without telling her i love her, she rang me and asked wot was wrong and I said nothing....she them asked why i didnt say it, i said no reason but u can say it first to if u want, she then sad i was grumpy and rude. We argued. 

She is now saying she is moving out or wants me out after a row about her going out with more with the baby and not being in a rut. 

We have argued harshly for a 6 weeks (about 2 a week) with hardly any making up time in between. I am not happy and I think she is not taking our relationship seriously. I want to fix it but every attempt i make to tell her how i feel she tells me i am demanding. She says i am selfish and accuses me of talking to my friends behind her back about why i am not happy and says i am a traitor to the relationship by using my support network but i need support and advice!!!

I cant remember her doing a selfless act in the last 12 months. I have suggested counselling for us but she says she doesnt need it. 

I have seen there is a condition called borderline personality disorder and wonder if she has it but I am no shrink but she ticks a lot of boxes. 

I dont want to split with her. I love her. I want us to be a family. I dont know how to improve things, I dont know it we will ever go back to the magical bit even for one night! If she has changed forever maybe she should go as I am not happy - but am i being too demanding? 

Please help!!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Gaz,

You sound like a really "nice guy" and would do anything to make this right.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Here's some light reading for you.

Make sure you click on all the links and digest the content.

We're waiting to kick it around with you in the Men's Clubhouse.

I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Gaz, 

You are not demanding at all. You are being a wonderful man as you can. 

I think your wife is struggling a lot with this new baby. She is nervous of being a new mother. She doesn't know how to act around a tiny baby in her hand. She is too protective of your daughter. It is not healthy for her to be like that. It is not healthy for her to protect your daughter like that. 

Please help her learn to be a mother! She has to understand the old ways were not bad at all. Actually people in history raised great kids, healthy, independent, and strong! 

For a long time, my husband was the only one who says" I love you", my answer was "Why". Then he had to spend quite a few minutes listing the wonderful qualities I have. Then one day he told me" Hey, it doesn't hurt you to say this first", he was joking, but I started to say" I love you" first now. Hey, that sentence doesn't belong to men only! 

And, yes, take Conrad's advice, join the men's club. A lot of fun there! You will learn how to be a MAN! A HAPPY MARRIED MAN!


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