# Wife not in love anymore, what to do?



## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

me and my husband have been together for 7 years and married for 5. we met when i was 18 and he was 25, and we got married when i was 19. we have 2 kids together, 1yr old and 2 yr old. i dont love him anymore, and i want to divorce. there is no abuse or cheating in our relationship, it's just that my feelings have changed. i dont want marriage lifestyle anymore, i want my freedom and to be single. what do you think?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think your honest about what you want, it sucks, but at least if you tell him what you posted and not lie, he will get over it quicker..then again, there are those little children to think about and not just your feelings, is he a good dad? is ha going to be screwed financially by this?..you really should talk it through with him..not sure if counciling would help though.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I think your honest about what you want, it sucks, but at least if you tell him what you posted and not lie, he will get over it quicker..then again, there are those little children to think about and not just your feelings, is he a good dad? is ha going to be screwed financially by this?..you really should talk it through with him..not sure if counciling would help though.




i have told him everything i posted, and he asked that we try to make it work, and thats what we're doing now. so this is part of it. he is a good dad, and no he won't be financially screwed. do u think there is any way it can work, because feelings wise i dont think anything will change.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

What is missing? How did he lose your love? You would be surprised at how many marriages can regain their magic with some simple steps and commitment. Does he have bad habits? Has he gained weight? Does he make sex a choir? Does he not show affection? I can go on and on. Talk to us.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

People don't normally fall out of love for no reason. You are not telling us why you don't love him anymore, but it would be wise and only fair that you examine your reasons. Ordinarily, people fall out love because their partner behaves in such a way that destroys their love. Or, the partner does not live up to expectations or meet specific emotional needs. I guess there could be any number of reasons but my point is there has to be a reason. Whatever your reasons(s), I think you and he should talk about that and work it out through counselling and relationship books to improve your marriage. If you are not able to specify a reason, then woe to the next guy.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> What is missing? How did he lose your love? You would be surprised at how many marriages can regain their magic with some simple steps and commitment. Does he have bad habits? Has he gained weight? Does he make sex a choir? Does he not show affection? I can go on and on. Talk to us.



none of things u mentioned like the weight, sex or affection is an issue. my feelings started changing a few years ago, but never told him. i thought if i stayed, my feelings would go back to normal. but i first started realizing about my feelings changing when he stopped working for a few years. and also i started having resentment because i wasnt able to go out with my friends or talk to them like i wanted to. i was still able to talk to friends and go out, just not as much as i wanted to. he has since improved, but i feel like it's too late now. the damage's done, and i dont want this marriage anymore.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

If there's a way for me to change my feelings, or love him the way i did before, let me know.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> People don't normally fall out of love for no reason. You are not telling us why you don't love him anymore, but it would be wise and only fair that you examine your reasons. Ordinarily, people fall out love because their partner behaves in such a way that destroys their love. Or, the partner does not live up to expectations or meet specific emotional needs. I guess there could be any number of reasons but my point is there has to be a reason. Whatever your reasons(s), I think you and he should talk about that and work it out through counselling and relationship books to improve your marriage. If you are not able to specify a reason, then woe to the next guy.


i didnt fall out of love in one day, it was a gradual thing over a few years, but i just never told him. look at my reply to the person above u, i told them why. do u think there's a way to love him again?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

donna..I'm pretty sure you probably weren't ready to get married in the first place..but none the less you did, and you had kids, now comes the hard part..he definitely will not be friends with you if you leave, and the longer you are away, he will grow to resent you..I understand your feelings changing from circumstances like unemployment..unfortunately you nor he addressed those feelings and they festered and here is where you are at:scratchhead:..so, if you leave, think about the affect it will have on others around you, and expect the unexpected emotional outburst from him afterward.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Yes there is a way. You can change. And when you do, it is very likely he will too, and be a better husband then he was when you married. It will not be easy. But being happy in a loving relationship is worth it. Check out "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. Much of what Harley writes about is love lost and regained. The Harley family has a lot of experience and success. Just google it and you will find much of interest. It will be worth it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I don't think my wife ever loved me and we've been married over 10 years. I don't think this is about love, I think it's about selfishness. You are looking to use love as an excuse to be selfish.

I'm not trying to be judgmental, I think everyone should do what they really want to do. But I also feel they should be aware of what they are really doing.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

donna, do you have issues with depression?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

donna85 said:


> me and my husband have been together for 7 years and married for 5. we met when i was 18 and he was 25, and we got married when i was 19. we have 2 kids together, 1yr old and 2 yr old. i dont love him anymore, and i want to divorce. there is no abuse or cheating in our relationship, it's just that my feelings have changed. i dont want marriage lifestyle anymore, i want my freedom and to be single. what do you think?


*i dont love him anymore, and i want to divorce.*

well if you are so brazen about your feelings towards him & about not wanting this marriage , I dont think it can ever work & your husband shouldn't be one asking you to make it work , it should be your's decison .
your husband can't do anything that will change your feelings for him , only you can if you want but from your post it looks like you dont though that is perfectly ok it is your life . 

It is better you go find someone you can love & let your husband find someone who can love him too .

Best of luck


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I don't think this is about love, I think it's about selfishness. You are looking to use love as an excuse to be selfish.

I'm not trying to be judgmental, I think everyone should do what they really want to do. But I also feel they should be aware of what they are really doing. 

:iagree: with Ten Year Hubby


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi Donna,

I would like to question whether the path of divorce will lead you the goals that you're seeking, which are freedom and single life of going out with friends and partying. You are going to be a "single mom" of two very young children at age of 1 and 2. How do you expect to find more time to go out and have more freedom as a divorced mother of an infant and a toddler? 

You may have gotten married without thinking fully about what it means to be married, so I hope that you think fully about the reality of becoming a divorced mom with two babies. Wouldn't you have to work to be able to support them as well? 

Make sure what you're doing (your strategies) will actually deliver the goals that you're seeking. There might be alternatives that you have not considered that would give you the better result.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

questions said:


> Hi Donna,
> 
> I would like to question whether the path of divorce will lead you the goals that you're seeking, which are freedom and single life of going out with friends and partying. You are going to be a "single mom" of two very young children at age of 1 and 2. How do you expect to find more time to go out and have more freedom as a divorced mother of an infant and a toddler?
> 
> ...



i'm not looking to divorce now or anytime soon, i want separation to be exact. and i'm not looking to going out and partying every weekend with my friends, i realize i have 2 kids who i have to care for. another thing i didnt mention is that at the moment i'm away from my home country, family, and friends. and since i'm in this new country, i'm unable to work, therefore i'm a stay at home mother. i moved to this new country with him, and i've been here for a year and half now. what i exactly want is to go back to my country, and be separated from my husband, so i can figure things out for myself. my strategy is to go back, put kids in daycare and get a job. i believe that space from each other will be beneficial to our relationship.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> *i dont love him anymore, and i want to divorce.*
> 
> well if you are so brazen about your feelings towards him & about not wanting this marriage , I dont think it can ever work & your husband shouldn't be one asking you to make it work , it should be your's decison .
> your husband can't do anything that will change your feelings for him , only you can if you want but from your post it looks like you dont though that is perfectly ok it is your life .
> ...


yes i have been brutally honest with him about my feelings, and i do think that you can't make someone be in love with u. however, my husband feels that it's possible to still be together and make it work without that love.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I don't think my wife ever loved me and we've been married over 10 years. I don't think this is about love, I think it's about selfishness. You are looking to use love as an excuse to be selfish.
> 
> I'm not trying to be judgmental, I think everyone should do what they really want to do. But I also feel they should be aware of what they are really doing.



well i guess love wasn't very important to your wife, but it is to me. and my actions may be selfish, but i don't want to have to do this 10 years from now and waste more years of my life, and hurt him even more.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

FOM said:


> donna, do you have issues with depression?


no i do not have issues with depression, but i am currently unhappy with this marriage and want to try to be alone for a while.


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## donna85 (Jun 23, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> donna..I'm pretty sure you probably weren't ready to get married in the first place..but none the less you did, and you had kids, now comes the hard part..he definitely will not be friends with you if you leave, and the longer you are away, he will grow to resent you..I understand your feelings changing from circumstances like unemployment..unfortunately you nor he addressed those feelings and they festered and here is where you are at:scratchhead:..so, if you leave, think about the affect it will have on others around you, and expect the unexpected emotional outburst from him afterward.




yes i do realize he might resent me if i leave, but i'm willing to take the chance to see if i can be happier without him.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

donna85 said:


> no i do not have issues with depression, but i am currently unhappy with this marriage and want to try to be alone for a while.


The problem is you wont be alone, you have two young kids. What will happen is your hubby will be the one with the single lifestyle and if you leave him he may not want you back. Is your hubby working right now? What are the divorce laws of the country you are in and is he a citizen of that country? Can you make enough to survive without child support? It might be hard getting money out of him if you are in two different countries. There is a lot for you to think about including your childrens welfare. Good luck to ya but look before you leap.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

donna, space is never good for a marital relationship. You'll just find someone to meet your needs and ruin the marriage. If you want to work, tell your husband that you're very unhappy being a stay at home mom and you need to get a job.

As far as going back to your country, do you really think your husband will allow you take the children out of the country? I wouldn't if I were in his position.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

donna85 said:


> i believe that space from each other will be beneficial to our relationship.


No you don't.

You are trying to sugarcoat the fact that you want to be single and date other men.

Plain and simple. 

You want the thrills of going out and being pursued and getting checked out and being flirted with.

Why can you not have that with your husband?

You're an adult now. You made a mistake marrying so young, but you now have two kids whose lives you will _seriously_ mess up, just because you want to be free and single again.

Maybe it's time to grow up and realize that life isn't all about making you happy; that once you make decisions, and bring babies into the world, you don't get to be selfish any more.

If you don't like your marriage, FIX IT. Don't just run away from it because it's not fun any more.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Same old Turnera. Everyone is either currently cheating or is longing to cheat. Nothing else.

Donna. Start reading some posts here. I'm convinced that 50% of wives fall out of love with their husbands (That's 50% of the 50% that don't get divorced). A surprising number, like 10 years wife and my wife, never loved their husbands to begin with but married them anyhow. 

I've been accused of sexism, but this is WAY a woman's problem. They need to change pre-marriage counseling from "Keep God in your Union" to "take a look at this composite of what your husband will be in 10 years." Start getting them ready for that. Then, right before they walk down the aisle, strap them to a polygraph and ask them if they love the man they are about to marry. Maybe that will curb this epidemic.

Will you ever love him again? Odds are WAY stacked against you. I'd put HUGE money on "no". Should you leave? That's up to you. It seems most prefer to stay in a loveless marriage. I can't answer that. Just don't expect it to get better. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but start reading. It doesn't change. 

I should make a collection of links to threads started about wives falling out of love with their husband. As a matter of fact, I think I will. I'll start w/ yours. Everyone, feel free to add

Good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...fe-not-love-anymore-what-do-2.html#post160309
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14521-ok-seriously.html


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, cody, I fully believe no one should ever marry before 25. Too many odds against you. You will change, want different things, regret the fun you missed out on. Which is what she ADMITS she is now feeling. She SAID she wants to go out and have fun. You think that just means having lattes with the girls? Go ahead and think it. Even if she hasn't figured it out yet, she wants to be pursued. Her husband disappoints her. She wants _fun_.

That is NOT the same thing as wanting to CHEAT. She just wants divorce. And THEN go out and have fun. At least she's not trying to cheat.

Aside from that, I like your advice in getting people to really look at what they will face in ten years. We should all have to do that.

I don't think she should stay in a loveless marriage. But there is love on her husband's side. It is SHE who is CHOOSING to not desire her husband, and there are thousands of ways out there, available to her, to rekindle that love - if she WANTED to. 

But she has apparently made up her mind that she wants to be SINGLE. That means dating.

And my answer is, you have KIDS now. Just because you want something, doesn't make it the right thing to do, now that you have kids and their lives will be unequivocably altered for the worse.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

'cody5', don't bash 'turnera' about his feelings that people want to cheator are going to cheat...in this case maybe not, but in most where there is no physical abuse then yes, 'cheating' is the case, your percentages don't add up, not saying it in any disrespect, but there are studies out there that show women cheat more than men do...maybe cheating is the wrong word in a lot of situations, but how else would you describe 'going outside the marriage for personal satisfaction?'..selfishness?..not saying a spouse doesn't deserve their happiness if they tried and cannot get through to their partner but like 'turnera' stated, you can't sugarcoat these things..IMHO


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

2Daughters said:


> you can't sugarcoat these things..IMHO


Sugarcoat? Telling a woman that she should give up because she'll never fall in love w/ her husband again is sugarcoating? Dang! I hope you never get REALLY mad at me.

Quite frankly, "he/she is cheating" is right up there with "go to counseling" as weak, knee-jerk advice. 

She wants to enjoy her life. She just can't do it with her husband. She fell out of love with him and isn't happy. That's hardly a desire for an affair. It would have been painful and very difficult, but if my wife told me she wasn't happy and left me 15 years ago we would both have more fulfiling, happy lives right now.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

donna85 said:


> yes i have been brutally honest with him about my feelings, and i do think that you can't make someone be in love with u. however, my husband feels that it's possible to still be together and make it work without that love.


make it work without love ? I dont think it is possible until you first truly want the love back (which i think you dont ) .

Btw I feel sorry for your husband if he unfortunately still loves you .

Best of luck


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

That may be true Cody, but she didn't 15 years ago, and neither did mine, for if she had, we wouldn't have produced two beautiful well socialized kids, but since we can't go back in time and since they did decide to lead us on for so long, anything less than calling it what it is, is sugar coating, especially when children are involved and there was no abuse.IMO


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