# Make it last longer



## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

It’s me. I’m struggling to keep my husband wanting sex. I have a high sex drive plus my love language is physical touch and my husband does not recreipate that. I’m not asking to have sex multiple times a day ( which would be nice but in realistic) just on a consistent basis like maybe 2-3 times a week. We tend to go months without having sex and when we do, you guessed it , it is very short since he has finished sooner than I wanted. I just lay there until he leaves and take matters into my own hands. We do sleep in the same bed , he sleeps on the couch as his choice. I’ve asked numerous times for him to sleep with me but he just makes excuses so I stopped asking.

I know he has a low sex drive and it is somewhat connected to his depression but I am sexually frustrated that it is to the point were I don’t want to have sex with my husband because I have to “finish the job”.

yes we foreplay which Is great but the moment it starts the inter course it is not lasting long. I recently seen him purchase a male toy, I was thinking great maybe this will increase his sex drive and longevity but that has not happened.

I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. I’m just tired of being sexually fuatrated and relying on alternatives to satisfy my needs


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hereweare3702 said:


> he has a low sex drive and it is somewhat connected to his depression but I am sexually frustrated


Ever consider that he avoids sex because you are sexually frustrated......that he feels inadequate ? And, you are correct that a lowering of sex drive accompanies depression, and feeling inadequate contributes to the depression......

This is not working. Of course, you know that already. He needs to step up to the plate, get checked medically, and agree to adjust the frequency of sex with you. Your request of 2-3 times weekly is not at all unreasonable. It needs to be a scenario in which "she comes first". And, on the occasions when there is an accident and he comes first, he needs to take responsibility to provide your orgasm before rolling over and going to sleep.

Negotiate with him. I'm betting that he doesn't feel good at all about the way things are between you.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Ever consider that he avoids sex because you are sexually frustrated......that he feels inadequate ? And, you are correct that a lowering of sex drive accompanies depression, and feeling inadequate contributes to the depression......
> 
> This is not working. Of course, you know that already. He needs to step up to the plate, get checked medically, and agree to adjust the frequency of sex with you. Your request of 2-3 times weekly is not at all unreasonable. It needs to be a scenario in which "she comes first". And, on the occasions when there is an accident and he comes first, he needs to take responsibility to provide your orgasm before rolling over and going to sleep.
> 
> Negotiate with him. I'm betting that he doesn't feel good at all about the way things are between you.


Thank you . I never thought about opening up and just talk about the things that need to change in our sex life.

I did mention going to counseling or something for his depression so we will see if he is going to be serious about it. We have been together for 9 years and it hasn’t been this bad until the last 2 years.

Is there any methods or techniques that you would recommend on either on the woman side or the man side or even both?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I would tell him in a nice way that his depression and resulting lack of physical affection isn't working for you, and as much as you love him if he doesn't start doing something to push through it you don't see the marriage working long term.

Sounds harsh sure but a lot of men get turned on by earning it. Establishing yourself as someone to be earned, rather than wanting sex from him no matter how mopey and distant he gets might end up doing you wonders.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hereweare3702 said:


> Is there any methods or techniques that you would recommend on either on the woman side or the man side or even both?


Well, I'm sure not the right one to ask  My sex life has been rather limited, even though I've been married 3 times and have had a couple girl friends. I think the main idea should be to focus upon you and your husband, what he likes, what you like, what makes you successful sexually, him as well.

On both sides, avoid comparison and blame. Instead, pose your statements as ".....I like it when you * ", "....I don't like *", "*____* makes me excited...".



Hereweare3702 said:


> I did mention going to counseling or something for his depression


Counseling is not going to help unless you are both open to it. And as to "something" for his depression...... do you know why he's depressed ? Are you being part of the solution, or part of the problem ? Obviously, I cannot know the answer to this, but you must find out which "side" he sees you on..... and you must understand that "....perception is reality..." - his "reality" may be quite different than yours.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hereweare3702 said:


> .....I’m struggling to keep my husband wanting sex. I have a high sex drive plus my love language is physical touch and my husband does not recreipate that.....
> 
> ......I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. I’m just tired of being sexually fuatrated and relying on alternatives to satisfy my needs


A few suggestions. 

First, since you have read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, what are his love languages and do you make him feel loved and cherished in his love languages? Also, you do understand in that Chapman's 5 Love Languages, none of them were sex and touch was not about sex. If you feel your love languages are not being used by your husband to make your feel loved and cherished you are really talking about sensual pleasure and not sex.

In recovering from my sex starved marriage with my wife, one of the things that the Sex Therapist (a Marriage counselor with extra training in people with sexual problems) did was to have us do Sensate Focus exercises.
Sensate Focus exercises You and your H would probably benefit from seeing a Sex Therapist.

Speaking of sex starved marriages, you should really get and read M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. It will show you that you are not alone and give you some suggestions on how to change the dynamic in your marriage. The problem is that you can't force your husband to change to do things you want. All you can do is change the dynamic in your marriage. Your H gets to choose how he will change the way he treats you. It may be for the worse or the better. If it is for the better you need to give him positive reinforcement.

Another thing that you will need to come to grips with is that the two of you have a much different set of sex drives. You probably can't change that and he probably can't change that as well. So part of the marriage counseling process will be negotiating the minimum amount of sex you can live with and the maximum he can handle. It will never be what you really would want, it it will always be more than what he wants. However with help you can find a compromise the two of you can live with. Adding more sensual experiences for you and more of his love languages for him may help you reach that compromise.

You are also going to need to learn how to be less "needy and sexually demanding" as that is not going to make you look sexy to your husband. You will further need to learn to talk to him about what your needs are and your desires in ways that don't make him feel threatened or sexually inferior.

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> We tend to go months without having sex and when we do, you guessed it , it is very short since he has finished sooner than I wanted.


Well a low frequency is going to cause PE. Anxiety will too. Does he sleep on couch because he knows sleeping with you will cause expectations he cant fulfill? Is he on antidepressant meds? Most of them really mess up libido.

If he wants to last longer he can. Having sex more often and multiple rounds will help that. I think most men would be hair trigger if they hadnt had sex in months. Is he whacking the mole? If so his hand is getting the attention that belongs to you.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Well a low frequency is going to cause PE. Anxiety will too. Does he sleep on couch because he knows sleeping with you will cause expectations he cant fulfill? Is he on antidepressant meds? Most of them really mess up libido.
> 
> If he wants to last longer he can. Having sex more often and multiple rounds will help that. I think most men would be hair trigger if they hadnt had sex in months. Is he whacking the mole? If so his hand is getting the attention that belongs to you.


100% correct


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> know he has a low sex drive and it is somewhat connected to his depression but I am sexually frustrated that it is to the point were I don’t want to have sex with my husband because I have to “finish the job”.


Not having sex with him isnt going to help him last longer. Btw, you know there are methods for a woman to help a man deal with PE. Do some research. He knows this is a problem, that you arent pleased so that makes him avoidant. Unfortunately, talking with him about it will just depress him more and avoid even more.

Btw, what is the length of his refractory time? I would think if it has been weeks without intimacy, you should be able to ready him for second round in 30-60 minutes.

What are your ages? And what happened two years ago when you say things got bad?



Hereweare3702 said:


> I recently seen him purchase a male toy,


What is this about? What “male toy” would help this situation. Excuse my ignorance but dont know of anything like that. If you mean an artificial vagina, how would this help him last longer with YOU?


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A few suggestions.
> 
> First, since you have read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, what are his love languages and do you make him feel loved and cherished in his love languages? Also, you do understand in that Chapman's 5 Love Languages, none of them were sex and touch was not about sex. If you feel your love languages are not being used by your husband to make your feel loved and cherished you are really talking about sensual pleasure and not sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. Yes I know it is more sensual touch for my love language but he tends to think that any hand holding, hugs, touches , etc will result in sex. I have told him no that’s not the case but all touching has been ceased . His love language is words of affirmation, which is hard since he doesn’t believe anything I say. Yes I checked my tone to ensure I came across sincere, but he doesn’t believe my words so there is that obstacle to come across .

I will pick that book up to see what it is all about. Love reading anyways. Im hoping that he really considers going to counseling to deal with the depression and hoping that will trickle down to other areas in our life will improve once we start going.

I stopped being needy or demanding with sex about 3 years ago since it was not helping and ir made things worse.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

gaius said:


> I would tell him in a nice way that his depression and resulting lack of physical affection isn't working for you, and as much as you love him if he doesn't start doing something to push through it you don't see the marriage working long term.
> 
> Sounds harsh sure but a lot of men get turned on by earning it. Establishing yourself as someone to be earned, rather than wanting sex from him no matter how mopey and distant he gets might end up doing you wonders.


I know it would not work for him. That would end up him being pushed away. I am already the dominate one in the household so if I make that into something he has to earn it will turn him off. I can try it but it doesn’t sound like it will be success for him/us.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Can’t help with drive but if he has PE the wipes you use will keep him going for longer than you want if he’s in good shape. My wife hates them, I think she hid them because it takes me like an hour of hammering away with those and I am in shape enough to do it.

Second idea to try, take 300mg St John’s Wort. I take it daily and I found it does allow me to delay long enough for my wife even if she’s having issues. You need to take it every day though and it takes about a month to kick in.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I have a high sex drive plus my love language is physical touch and my husband does not recreipate that. I’m not asking to have sex multiple times a day ( which would be nice but in realistic) just on a consistent basis like maybe 2-3 times a week. We tend to go months without having sex


Really sad for you that you have been dealing with this for 3 years (!?) Way more patience than most women would have. The gap between you and your husband is quite wide, as I am reading that multiple encounters a day would be wonderful for you, and now he is engaging every month or so, hard to imagine how that gap could be negotiated but who knows. Did his libido dump about 3 years ago? Was there a triggering event you can recall?

I have this vision in my head that your husband is intimidated by your sex drive. Like he knows he can't keep up or satisfy you so he has just left the playing field for the locker room.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Not having sex with him isnt going to help him last longer. Btw, you know there are methods for a woman to help a man deal with PE. Do some research. He knows this is a problem, that you arent pleased so that makes him avoidant. Unfortunately, talking with him about it will just depress him more and avoid even more.
> 
> Btw, what is the length of his refractory time? I would think if it has been weeks without intimacy, you should be able to ready him for second round in 30-60 minutes.
> 
> ...


I’m not the one who is choosing to to have sex. It’s him so how can I have more sex when he doesn’t want to ?

the duration of the action is about 6-9 mins. That is not including foreplay. He can never do two round in the same day.

I’m 30 he is 37. Two years ago really bad, he was seeking attention elsewhere while I was pregnant with our last child . We went about 4 months with no sex. Yes , that is what he bought so I thought when he did , it was going to increase the longevity snd /or the frequency of us having sex. Now I’m just thinking he prefers that instead to be honest .


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Well a low frequency is going to cause PE. Anxiety will too. Does he sleep on couch because he knows sleeping with you will cause expectations he cant fulfill? Is he on antidepressant meds? Most of them really mess up libido.
> 
> If he wants to last longer he can. Having sex more often and multiple rounds will help that. I think most men would be hair trigger if they hadnt had sex in months. Is he whacking the mole? If so his hand is getting the attention that belongs to you.


No it is his choice to come to bed. It honestly have been 5 years with him sleeping in the couch and a few occasions where he does come to bed. Each time he makes different excuses on why he didn’t make it to bed so I stopped trying /asking . I set the expectations out there that there isn’t expectations for coming to bed. No he isn’t on any medication 

I presume he is “whacking the mole “ since he doesn’t do it with me.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Really sad for you that you have been dealing with this for 3 years (!?) Way more patience than most women would have. The gap between you and your husband is quite wide, as I am reading that multiple encounters a day would be wonderful for you, and now he is engaging every month or so, hard to imagine how that gap could be negotiated but who knows. Did his libido dump about 3 years ago? Was there a triggering event you can recall?
> 
> I have this vision in my head that your husband is intimidated by your sex drive. Like he knows he can't keep up or satisfy you so he has just left the playing field for the locker room.


Well that is what I am trying to figure out if this is his mid life crisis that he is going through. It hasn’t been like this before . Yea I get it we had a slower time with kids being newly born and sex drive on my end was lower but now that is not the case. The kids are older now and have their own space. We have our own house. I’ve alway made been the bread winner so that can no longer be an excuse or a reason why he is intimidated since I’ve had the same job for over 5 years now. I legit stopped asking for sex because I’m tired of being rejected or unsatisfied in the end. 
so I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it better if I can’t even get him to want to do it with me


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I’m not the one who is choosing to to have sex. It’s him so how can I have more sex when he doesn’t want to ?
> 
> the duration of the action is about 6-9 mins. That is not including foreplay. He can never do two round in the same day.
> 
> I’m 30 he is 37. Two years ago really bad, he was seeking attention elsewhere while I was pregnant with our last child . We went about 4 months with no sex. Yes , that is what he bought so I thought when he did , it was going to increase the longevity snd /or the frequency of us having sex. Now I’m just thinking he prefers that instead to be honest .


What I mean is that the reason he has PE could have been he isn't active enough, not that this was your choice. 

So he had an affair while you were pregnant? So for 4 months two years ago he ignored you while giving his attention to someone else? What happened to end that infidelity ( if it has indeed ended for sure )? Were things normal before you became pregnant? This puts a whole different spin on the dynamic, he avoids you and buys an artificial vagina instead. 

Was discovery of his affair what started his depression? There is a whole lot going on here, a lot of moving parts that will all interact. I am not a real fan of counseling, but in this case it would seem counseling would be appropriate for both of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you think he’s 100% over his affair and committed to you and the marriage — because it doesn’t really sound that way.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I’ve alway made been the bread winner so that can no longer be an excuse or a reason why he is intimidated since I’ve had the same job for over 5 years now. I legit stopped asking for sex because I’m tired of being rejected or unsatisfied in the end.
> *so I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it better if I can’t even get him to want to do it with me*


I didn't mean he was intimidated because you were the bread winner, but because your sex drive is more than he can handle. Now if he is taking care of another on the side, that is a whole other situation. If he is using a fake vagina instead of a real live woman who craves intimacy with him, that is depressing for sure.

Somehow you need find out the root cause of the problem.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Do you think he’s 100% over his affair and committed to you and the marriage — because it doesn’t really sound that way.


I do think so. He swears up and down that he isn’t doing anything and I believe him or at least I stopped questioning it.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I didn't mean he was intimidated because you were the bread winner, but because your sex drive is more than he can handle. Now if he is taking care of another on the side, that is a whole other situation. If he is using a fake vagina instead of a real live woman who craves intimacy with him, that is depressing for sure.
> 
> Somehow you need find out the root cause of the problem.


I honestly think we need to go to counseling or at least have a mediator during these conversations. They turn into an argument very quickly due to him raising his voice and I don’t respond well to it so i shut down and want out of the conversation the moment it happens. 

ooo what is P.E?
All I know if that I can’t keep relying on batteries for my needs. It is going to get to the point where I want out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a cheater for decades. He didn’t want a divorce but neither did he want to work on our marriage. Life was always about him. Only your husband knows whether he’s completely over his affair but it doesn’t sound to me like he’s committed to the marriage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I do think so. He swears up and down that he isn’t doing anything and I believe him or at least *I stopped questioning i*t.


How was he seeking attention? Online? IRL? Hookers? Of course he is going to swear he isn't "doing anything." That is part of cheater's behavior. The business of sleeping on the couch is suspicious. Hiding his nightly activities?

The fact is he isn't being a normal husband to you. His attraction toward you is way off track. I can't imagine a male who would buy a fake vagina when there is a willing wife in the bed just waiting for attention. If he has a mental and/or physical problem he needs to address it and fix it pronto. You shouldn't put up with this behavior.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I honestly think we need to go to counseling or at least have a mediator during these conversations. They turn into an argument very quickly due to him raising his voice and I don’t respond well to it so i shut down and want out of the conversation the moment it happens.
> 
> ooo what is P.E?
> All I know if that I can’t keep relying on batteries for my needs. It is going to get to the point where I want out.


PE is premature ejaculation. A condition that can develop in a man for a number of reasons both psychological and physical. He cums before he wants to ( and of course before his partner wants him to ). It can be fixed. 

This is NOT the root cause of problem you are having with hubby. The original post led me to think that could be a factor. 

Him raising his voice when you begin discussing is a bad sign. He is trying to put you off the track and stop discussing because he doesn't want you to find out what he is up to. Does he physically intimidate you?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hereweare3702 said:


> Thank you for this. Yes I know it is more sensual touch for my love language but he tends to think that any hand holding, hugs, touches , etc will result in sex. I have told him no that’s not the case but all touching has been ceased . His love language is words of affirmation, which is hard since he doesn’t believe anything I say. Yes I checked my tone to ensure I came across sincere, but he doesn’t believe my words so there is that obstacle to come across .
> 
> I will pick that book up to see what it is all about. Love reading anyways. Im hoping that he really considers going to counseling to deal with the depression and hoping that will trickle down to other areas in our life will improve once we start going.
> 
> I stopped being needy or demanding with sex about 3 years ago since it was not helping and ir made things worse.


Since his primary love language is words of affirmation, I have some suggestions for you. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. Since touch doesn't seem to be his thing, let's focus on how you can make him feel loved and cherished using words of affirmation. You might even learn to enjoy being praised by your H in the end.

Words of affirmation is essentially praise. You need to figure out how to praise him with it not sounding like you are trying to "butter him up" just to have sex with him. Your goal is to find things he does or that you admire in him that you can sincerely praise. When you are in a long term relationship with someone, after a while you can read their body language, their tone of voice, their facial expressions and separate sincere communications from lies. So you will need to be careful with your praise, so it is real.

Spend some time thinking about you H and what it is that you like about him and what he likes about himself. Tell him something or a time that he made you feel so happy and proud. For me the happiest moment of my life was just after the priest married us and we went to his office before the wedding reception to sign the marriage license. I was so very happy and so proud that I no longer had to hide my love and sexual desire for the woman who just became my wife. My wife likes to hear how happy she made me, even if her primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. 

Tell you H something that you really do love about his body physically. Can you honestly tell him that you love the shape of his penis? You love how it feels when your two bodies become one? That he should be proud of his penis. Are you proud of the fact that unlike many men his age, he does not have a beer belly? Do you love the way he smells (his masculine sex pheromones) when you cuddle with him? What aspect of his body should be be proud of because it so excites you?

Can you do a sensate focus exercise where you are just touching his back and tell him honestly that it feels so good to touch his naked skin as it is so soft and that you love looking at his cute (you pick, shoulders, butt, thighs, whatever). Even if he isn't in the mode for sex, sensate focus may allow you each to explore sensual feelings so that you get some of the touch and cuddling you want.

Can you tell him something that you really love about him as a husband and person? Are you proud of the children he has blessed your life with? Are you proud of how good a father to your children he has been. Are you proud of what a good provider and partner he has been? Are you proud to show him off to your girlfriends and family? Do you remember romantic things he has done that melt your heart every time you think of them and remind you how blessed your life is with him? This is a way of praising him so he feels loved and cherished in his love languages.

There is something called affirmations and self-hypnosis. It involves saying things out loud or thinking things and mentally visualizing them as a way of convincing your subconscious mind to change so that it agrees with what you are saying, being said or thinking. Typically there are CD's or MP3's that you can listen to in a deep state of meditation so that you can loose weight, quite smoking, or enjoy exercising. They can also be used to improve self-image, help cure depression, or change you sexual feelings. Why don't you google some and see how they work. Then during the sensate focus exercises while you are the giver and your husband is relaxing and enjoying the healing touch you are giving him, try some affirmations/self-hypnosis on him. Tell him how handsome he is, how beautiful his body is, how proud you are of him and how proud he should be of himself. Make it sincere, but work on having him hear affirmations in a relaxed state of mind to he feels loved and cherished.

When you are done with the sensate focus exercises, ask it you can take your clothes off to cuddle and feel the warmth of his naked body. If you have aroused him tell him how good that makes you feel as a woman and his wife. Tell him how proud he should be of what his body can make you feel. Then see what any of it leads to. Just focus on your feelings cuddling him. Make him start feeling proud (his primary love language) of how he makes you feel. Show him that when he complements you with his love language it makes you feel cherished. Show him (and at the same time reprogram yourself) so that he can make you feel cherished in his primary love language. When that happens give him positive feedback in his love languages so he also feels loved and cherished.

After you have changed things a bit, I have one more thing to share. When my wife and I were working with the Sex Therapist that saved our marriage, one of the things she suggested was that sex should be playful, exploratory, and make us laugh or at least giggle. An exercise she had us do was to discuss the best sexual experiences of each of our lives and try to playfully relive them. To set expectations that it may not work at first, but that it is worth trying so that sex with our partner is the best sex of our lives. While the concept of doing something that may involve a comparison to another lover can be frightening, it can be liberating to know that you are the source of most of the sexual experiences in your partners life. And so it is something to work toward, with the knowledge that practice makes perfect. It is important that what you do is light hearted and playful. You don't want to create performance anxiety or make your partner feel like a failure if things don't work out the first time. If you do have a success, praise your partner and tell him that was the best sex of your life and how amazing he made you feel and how proud he should be of his skills as a man.

There really is a lot you can do. Yes, get the M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. Yes, read and practice Sensate Focue exercises in the link I gave you. And by all means investigate the power of words of affirmation, by having your voice become his hypnotic CD/MP3 that changes his subconscious mind.

Good luck.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> PE is premature ejaculation. A condition that can develop in a man for a number of reasons both psychological and physical. He cums before he wants to ( and of course before his partner wants him to ). It can be fixed.
> 
> This is NOT the root cause of problem you are having with hubby. The original post led me to think that could be a factor.
> 
> Him raising his voice when you begin discussing is a bad sign. He is trying to put you off the track and stop discussing because he doesn't want you to find out what he is up to. Does he physically intimidate you?


No he does not. If that was the case we would not be married . I don’t put up with that crap. He tell me that he yells because he is passionate and trying to make sure he is heard. Since he works night and typically get home around 1130p he is in the garage watching crap on the computer and decompressing by smoking weed or going off roading.
I can get into his phone with no problem it just I don’t want to because everytime I do I find something or at least that has been my track record.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hereweare3702 said:


> I honestly think we need to go to counseling or at least have a mediator during these conversations. They turn into an argument very quickly due to him raising his voice and I don’t respond well to it so i shut down and want out of the conversation the moment it happens.
> 
> ooo what is P.E?
> All I know if that I can’t keep relying on batteries for my needs. It is going to get to the point where I want out.


First of all, you get to determine when enough is enough and you want a divorce. Past cheating is more than enough grounds for divorce as is lack of meaningful sex.

I am assuming you want to save and rebuild your marriage or at least try before you give up. 

Getting a referee to help in the discussions is a good first step. What helped me convince my wife to go to counseling was having her read a chapter in David Schnarch's book the Passionate marriage. (His later books are much easier to read.) He pointed out that there is now right amount of sex or wrong amount of sex in marriage, just as there is no right amound of watching football on TV on the weekend, nor the right or wrong number of children nor the right or wrong amount of chocolate ice cream in a marriage. The point is that going to a marriage counselor was not about getting a broken partner fixed, it was about exploring each others needs and figuring out a compromise that each could live with and sometime the compromise would be in a totally different area.

The Gottman's book the Art and Science of Love, discusses how to avoid "hard starts" in discussions and how to negotiate "grid lock" issues in marriage. I would suggest that since you love reading, you invest in that book as well. One of the things that a marriage counselor had us do was to read a chapter a week in a marriage relationship book, then discuss what we had read and what resonated with us and what we wanted to try in our marriage. Then report back to her at our next session on the things that we had read and decided we would try so she could give us some advice or thoughts. You could try this as well.

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hereweare3702 said:


> can get into his phone with no problem it just I don’t want to because everytime I do I find something or at least that has been my track record.


Sorry you are in this spot. Your statement about the phone indicates your gut is telling you he is using it for bad stuff. I am guessing that the couch he spends his nights on could tell some sordid tales. I guess you have little kids. That is really sad. 

Counseling with mediation sounds like your best option.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Can’t help with drive but if he has PE the wipes you use will keep him going for longer than you want if he’s in good shape. My wife hates them, I think she hid them because it takes me like an hour of hammering away with those and I am in shape enough to do it.
> 
> Second idea to try, take 300mg St John’s Wort. I take it daily and I found it does allow me to delay long enough for my wife even if she’s having issues. You need to take it every day though and it takes about a month to kick in.


What are these "wipes" that you speak of?


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## Rooster Cogburn (10 mo ago)

A few items....

1.) He was seeking other female attention while you were pregnant.
2.) He has a male sex tox
3.) He never/ hardly ever initiates sex.... equally rejects your approaches.
4.) You are the 'dominant' one in the relationship
5.) He sleeps on the couch even AFTER you invited him into your bed countless times. 

All are bad news. 

Sorry. No ideas for you. If you are the breadwinner... start making your exit plans after having a straight-faced talk with him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Hereweare3702 said:


> It’s me. I’m struggling to keep my husband wanting sex. I have a high sex drive plus my love language is physical touch and my husband does not recreipate that. I’m not asking to have sex multiple times a day ( which would be nice but in realistic) just on a consistent basis like maybe 2-3 times a week. We tend to go months without having sex and when we do, you guessed it , it is very short since he has finished sooner than I wanted. I just lay there until he leaves and take matters into my own hands. We do sleep in the same bed , he sleeps on the couch as his choice. I’ve asked numerous times for him to sleep with me but he just makes excuses so I stopped asking.
> 
> I know he has a low sex drive and it is somewhat connected to his depression but I am sexually frustrated that it is to the point were I don’t want to have sex with my husband because I have to “finish the job”.
> 
> ...


1st is how old is he. I had Low T and started HRT at 37. Low T made me where I had no drive to do anything and was more emotional, could possibly be seen as depression. Would not last long, T level was 223 and estrogen was way high. Started T injections and AI's and estrogen dropped and T was at 1200. Then I would last for 45min to 1 hr. an still might not climax at times.

Have his hormones checked.


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