# So disgusted don't know how to go on



## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

Hi, I feel myself on the verge of explosion - it is killing me and I am 6,5 months pregnant now.

My story is long and complicated. I am with my current man for 7 years. 2 years ago, we had our first child. However, he came to this world stillbirth after 39 weeks long waiting. I was totally crushed. Problems started also between my and my then husband. This happened in Sept. 2009. In Feb., 2010, we divorced.

After that however, we tried to get back together and in July 2010, we moved back together again as a couple only. (not married). In March, 2011, I got pregnant with our 2nd child who is due in Nov.

Just yesterday, I accidently went into his skype account (it was left unclosed from last night) and found out that he had an internet affair with a girl for 7 months to the point that they exposed to each other nacked and had type internet sex. What I could see was from Dec. 2009 to May 2010. From what I could see, they had earlier contact not recorded in skype. She even called in at the time when Skype was on.

This came as like a shocking bomb. I couldn't believe a man who claims he cared about family, after 7 years relationship with me, 1 month after we loss our child, started chatting with another woman. And by the time the divorce paper was signed 5 months later, he was having internet sex with her while at the same time trying to making it up with me!

All I had in mind was to get back to him and to get pregnant again so we can continue as a family. Now I feel nothing but cheated and stuck. I don't know what to do but just want to leave him since the contents make me throwing up.

What to do now? He didn't know I know this at this moment and he got angry at me not talking to him and behaving angry. I am torn to tell him and then leave him because I can not see myself kisssing him or touching him, EVER again!

Can you let me know what you think please!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You didn't elaborate on why you divorced -- please do so we can get a better picture.

Ultimately it comes down to this: you had a very traumatic experience with your baby (I am sorry for your loss), then problems in the marriage, then a divorce (a major trauma) and got back together with him only after 5 months as a "couple" and then discovered he's cheating on you. And now he is upset with you that you discovered his cheating instead of talking with you about it. 

So what has changed about him? It doesn't seem like much.

You say all you had in min was to "get pregnant again so we can continue as a family"--nowhere do you mention resolving the previous issues you had that led to the divorce or where he or you were at fault pre-divorce. 

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

My advice is to cut your losses and move on.


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## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

Our divorce was a fast one because both were so angry and we got no kid invovled. 

Only that now I realized that besides anger, he obviously had got a back-up at that time which probably was why he was firm and fast in moving out.

He had been very committed and loving ever since we were back together (hell, what do I know?) Now I just don't feel like I can trust him at all and hate him guts!

My male friend told me that he did it maybe because he thought it was over - but it started before it was over! Then they said guys can suck into anything that can comfort them at time of difficulties. If not this, they would do alchohol or drugs or whatever. That only convinced me that he is a weak guy which he is.

He was obviously dumped by that internet woman since she later on only wanted to be friends. I couldn't believe I took him back at exactly the same time with tears and gratitude because I loved him! What an idiot it made of me! And now we are having a baby in 3 months, everything is ****ed up here!

I have been hesitating if it is worthwhile to end this relationship which until last Saturday had been so happy and loving just for a seeminly over internet affair from 1,5 years ago but I am so tortured about how I could even get close to him anymore. I couldn't even look at his face or hear his voice. It just makes me sick! I love him but I feel I will never get passed the pain and hurt. It will forever be a sand in my eyes.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My advice is to focus on how he is treating you NOW, the relationship you have now, at this moment, and the recent past since you got together again. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of whatever you thought was reality and the story of your past that turned out not to be true.

I lost a pregnancy and delivered the baby, I was told it was a girl. For 20 years until I received my medical records and was looking through them for other issues (allergies), I discovered all this time when I was thinking about a girl, how she might have been...you guessed it, I had a boy. Well now.

All my life and I am 46 I was told I had bronchial issues and asthma and stuff like irritable bowel syndrome and eczema. Well well at age 47 I found out what I had was allergies. 

My H did some stuff in our relationship that wasn't up to par, inclduing sexually flavored diversions and various sorts of abuse and manipulations, probabaly he is messing around right now since I moved out and said I want a divorce (and will probably get one), if we ever got back together no I don't think I would be surprised. 

One thing I learned from the guys at my town dump, which is tongue in cheek, but they are old and to the point is that 'all men are pigs'. Now, we know this is not entirely true but it seems to be a common saying. Yes I would love to be married to the perfect guy and pregnancy is a very vulnerable time of life. I'd suggest getting a support system in place - a mom's expecting group that will evolve into a playgroup/nursery group later on, and therapy to become more resilient. 

Totally natural to grieve for what you thought was your history but turned out not to be. How were you when you were upset over the loss of baby and marriage? Admittedly, and there is no harm in this, you dreamed about how you wanted life to be. Obviously your dreams are stronger than your man's day to day life, he thinks that what you have going on is a better choice than what he had going on. Just make sure the two of you develop your joint resiliency and communication, you have been through a lot and are coming up to a stressful time so you definitely need to seek therapy.

In any case, you will have a child together so need to get communication and logistics nailed down as much as you can instead of being shocked by someone's sexual satisfaction and fulfilment thereof during a time when it was legitimate to do so. Many people have close friends they are attracted to and don't do anything about it because they are married. That is how people are. When marriage breaks up...well...timing is different for people. It's how he treats this woman now, she broke up with him, is the reason you gave really the reason she does not care for him or she respects a relationship that already exists and now will have a baby? Does not want to be OW....


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