# Had fight with Wife



## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

I had a fight with my wife the other night and although she started it by being completely unreasonable I finished the fight with some really harsh topics in which I brought up her emotional affair that she had with her cousin a few months back.
Her family was around also although I'm not sure they all heard or understood it. The crazy thing is that the affair was not on my mind and it came out of my mouth for no reason whatsoever.
I felt like the satan took control of my mouth because it wasn't even me talking I felt like. Anyways, I apologized to her later that night as she went to sleep with our daughter and she said we can talk about it the next day. She came to sleep in our bed an hour or so after I apologized but she didn't say anything and neither did I. The next day I apologized again and she said we will talk about it later in the day. The day came and went and she didn't bring it up and neither did I. I feel horrible and I want to make amends but what do I do? My wife if a very strong minded person and she is definetely not the fogiving type. She is home now and I am thinking about having flowers delivered to her by a florist. Is this appropriate with her being home?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

No. This is not ok. 

You said sorry. Leave it at that. If she can't accept your apology then she's the one that has to deal with it. Not you.

Sending her flowers is bad. Particularly when it gives the impression....hey! You had an EA on me. I'm totally ok with that! And go have another, because I won't mind.

But, never lose your cool like that again. It's actually a sign of weakness. Don't yell. Just state the facts in a firm voice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wait a second, she had an affair and you want to reward her?

Sub conciously you brought the resentment that has built up. In my opinion flowers should be sent after the talk, not before.

What started the fight?

It seems there are alot of things that are still on the table, and sending flowers now is just "carpet sweeping". Sending flowers while she continues to close/wall up, just empoweres her to behave the same way the next time.

Talk then send flowers. Thats my $0.02


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. By the way. I'd be sorry for raising my voice. Not so much about the topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

her cousin?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

An EA with her cousin??


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

Yes, with her cousin. It was a long distance emotional affair. It happend 5 months ago. As far as I know, she ceased 100% contact with him and things between us were going great. what started the fight on sat night was because she was being unreasonable to me regarding a fight she had with my mom. I defended my wife b/c my mom was wrong and my wife was right but my wife felt that I didn't stand up for her which was total B.S.
Anyways, for no reason I started to scream and yell and I brought up the emotional affair she had months ago to her but other family members were around and I know I should not have brought it up in front of other people. To be honest, I was pretty much over the whole emotional affair so I dont even know why it came out of my mouth for. To be honest, I sincerely feel like satan was controlling the movement of my lips and my voice as well. I honestly and truly feel horrible.


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

So even the EA was something in the past and I honestly believe that she has not spoke to him (cousin) since I still should not feel wrong or guilty about bringing the topic up for no reason when our fight on Saturday had absolutely nothing to do with her previous EA ? I feel horrible for even bringing it up especially in front of our kids.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You are guilty of bringing up issues from the past in a fight. That's not really productive fighting, so you need to work on that. Especially in front of the kids.

That said, your wife committed an EA just a few months ago and you'd be crazy to think that it wouldn't still be on your mind a little. I'm sure it was a little hurtful to your W. You did apologize. That should be good enough.


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

I guess she needs to learn to forgive as well.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hank74 said:


> I guess she needs to learn to forgive as well.


did she apoligise for her EA as much as you apoligised for putting her in her place?

I don't think you should have apoligised at all.


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

no, she never apologized. She barely even ever admitted that it was wrong although she kind of did admit it was wrong. 
I have to say though everything was fine for months now and the fight we had on saturday has absolutely nothing to do with the EA and I feel I shouldn't have brought it up.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

There is a pretty big power imbalance if an EA goes without apology, but the mistake of mentioning the EA is worthy of flowers.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Acorn said:


> There is a pretty big power imbalance if an EA goes without apology, but the mistake of mentioning the EA is worthy of flowers.


????? I don't understand why it was a mistake?

he is still hurting from it thats why he blurted it out in the first place probly because she NEVER apoligised for her action that hurt him in the first place.


and now he should reward her with flowers? 

because he said something truthfull!:scratchhead:


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

No no no - I find it very odd that his wife can have an EA and not apologize, yet OP is worried enough to think that even mentioning the EA is somehow worthy of flowers.

She does not seem very invested in the marriage and has awfully high expectations of him given that IMO.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I think SHE should be sending YOU flowers. I agree with everyone else! Apologize for raising your voice and bringing it up in front of other people - and leave it at that.


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

Thank you for all of your aupport. It us so comforting to get other peoples perpective on these marital issues and problems. Sometimes when wego thru difficult times we always try to blame ourselves and assume "we" are crazy and not the other way around.

Thanks again for your continued support and help.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Acorn said:


> You are guilty of bringing up issues from the past in a fight. That's not really productive fighting, so you need to work on that. Especially in front of the kids.


Completely agree. It's not fair to bring up old baggage during a fight. If the past is not forgiven and reconciled then get this done as soon as you can. But it's not helpful to bring old grudges up in the context of another disagreement


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I don't know, it seems to me that she owes you way more than you owe her. At the very least, an apology and owning up of responsibility for the EA. There's nothing wrong with it being on you mind, especially since the EA was recent. 

You've apologized for your part in the fight, so I'd leave it at that. The flowers seem like overkill, to me. There might still need to be some things for you two to work on and possibly in marriage counseling.


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

My wife has been listening to love songs all day today and yesterday.

Why do you think that can be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank74 (Apr 5, 2011)

My wife has been listening to love songs all day today and yesterday.

Why do you think that can be?


Why do people listen to love songs generally anyways? To me they make me sad and I don't want to feel sad.


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