# Can't help myself......



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

A man walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is on the bed reading.
The man says" This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache". 
The wife says" I think you"ll find that's a sheep"
The man says" I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"


Sorry! I couldn't help myself


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh LAWD :rofl:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I actually told that joke to someone at work this morning!!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Can I join?

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 30 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 30 minutes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Who was it that said?

"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife really wanted."

OK, not so funny!

But here's a dumb joke:

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 

And the obligatory blonde joke.

"What does a blonde owl say?

"What? what?"


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Last one from me, but this made me laugh so loud at work people started to stare.

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy *****."


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A: Marry it!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Woo Hoo!

A father walks past his son's room at bedtime, and hears his son saying his prayers:
"God bless mommy, daddy, grandma and please take care of grandpa-he will be with you soon."

The next day, grandpa dies.

The next week, the boy is saying his prayers again, and the father again hears him:
"God bless mommy and daddy, and take care of grandma-she will be with you soon."

Next day, the grandma dies.

Two weeks later, the father hears his son saying his prayers again:
"God bless mommy, and take care of daddy-he will be with you soon."

The father freaks out, can't sleep, goes to work the next day and is a nervous wreck. He is extra careful, constantly looking over his shoulder and frightened, but he gets through the entire day, and congratulates himself on cheating death as he crawls into bed with his wife. He notices that she has been bummed out all evening, so he asks her what is wrong.

"Oh," she sighs, "I was just sad because our nice mailman Joe died from a heart attack today."


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Woo Hoo!
> 
> A father walks past his son's room at bedtime, and hears his son saying his prayers:
> "God bless mommy, daddy, grandma and please take care of grandpa-he will be with you soon."
> ...


:rofl: Oh boy.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." 

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And it rolls on!

Two men are waiting to get into heaven, and the line is pretty long, so they start chatting, and the conversation winds up to how they both died. The first guy says:
"I froze to death".
The second guy says:
"I had a heart attack-let me tell you about it. I heard rumors that my wife was having men over while I was at work, so tonight, I come home early to see if it's true, and sure enough, there's another car in the driveway. I start running thru the whole house, looking upstairs, downstairs, in the closets, under the bed, and I have the heart attack, and here I am."

The first guy says: "Neither of us would be here if you would have looked in the downstairs freezer first!"


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Here's more

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

After reading a reply in the thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/30076-i-dont-understand.html it immediately made me think of this joke.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Marriage is an institution. So is an insane asylum.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Here's more
> 
> The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl: :rofl: I actually laughed out loud to that one.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

Because they want to.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

therealbrighteyes said:


> can i join?
> 
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 30 lbs.
> 
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 30 minutes.


roflmao


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone, cheese mine.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

:lol: Didn't expect that punch line. I love it!!!


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## DreamWeaver (Aug 20, 2011)

Ok...this has nothing to do with love or marriage but it was too good not to share, so here goes...


A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"


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