# Did your WS have a Toxic Friend that enabled/facilitated the affair?



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Did your WS have a Toxic Friend that enabled/facilitated the affair?

In my first marriage, my XW had a toxic friend that enabled and facilitated her affair with her college classmate. In this one, it started with reconnecting via facebook and there weren't any TFs. Thoughts?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You know mine did.
I guess the idea of "friendship" and the term of that friendship supercedes any sense of obilgation to offer positive criticism. Its funny, because Ive often heard how one or another were appreciated for their "telling it like it was"..
Honestly, its spinelessness. These women were so afraid of backlash for offering criticism they kept quiet, and said nothing. Well, at least the ones that I figured might steer some sense into the situation.

But then again there were the unhappy ones, whose smiling faces were superficial and false. Upon first hearing that another man was secretly emailing and wanting to get together with my wife, my "friend" which was her friend first, decided the best thing for us, and our family, was for my wife to go meet the guy, and "see if anything was there". 
Thats the best she could come up with? Had her own child the same age as mine, been at that same risk, would she have been as liberal with her foolishness?
Ive come to understand a lot more about the people Ive involved my life with in the last decade. Many were cowards and spineless. Many cared nothing for our marriage, even as they stood next to my wife as bridesmaids in support of it to begin with.
Lousy. Thats all they were. Lousy people with guttertramp morals, and for all the "im there for you" bullsh!t Ive heard since, I'd rather I be given the opportunity to sway their husbands towards another woman, and offer that same advice.

Its a touchy subject for me. I held so many in way too high of a regard, for nothing.

These days, they dont speak about my ex's new relationship. I was told some had warned her not to get involved too soon, but hell, shes got the guy living together, and none of my ex's friends are necessarily "contrary" to her choices.
None of them, even for the sake of their friend, could point out the lack of character and obvious immaturity of a man that would involve himself with a married woman, much less take advantage of a woman in a weak state of mind..
I have very little regard for them anymore. Their efforts to tell me that "its going to take time" and "you should be glad because your marriage wasnt that great" is all like watching a dog take a sh!t in the backyard, and just as valuable.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Yes, my husband has two females that helped enable him. He is now in a relationship with one of those women and the other is still a close friend. If that is what a friend is.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Enabled is probably too strong of a word... but yes, she did have a friend telling her to go for it. It started with her friend telling her how bad her own domestic situation was... but then suddenly it was like "Unsure is just like my husband..." and it went downhill from there. She outright told my SO to "get rid of me" since I "couldn't understand" how "good" the OM made her feel... told her how "controlling" I was, etc.

Additionally, she may or may not have had the hots for my SO. 

Eventually, she overplayed her hand, and my SO smartened up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Enabled is probably too strong of a word... but yes, she did have a friend telling her to go for it. It started with her friend telling her how bad her own domestic situation was... but then suddenly it was like "Unsure is just like my husband..." and it went downhill from there. She outright told my SO to "get rid of me" since I "couldn't understand" how "good" the OM made her feel... told her how "controlling" I was, etc.
> 
> Additionally, she may or may not have had the hots for my SO.
> 
> Eventually, she overplayed her hand, and my SO smartened up.


If your WW had a TF that told her to "go for it" and get rid of you, then yes, she enabled her. Facilitated would mean she provided your WW with the alibi or helped your WW communicate and/or provided the place for them to conduct the affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nope, in fact she tried to hide it from them


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

When I was a WS, many moons ago, most of the people I hung with were 'toxic'...we were all up to no good, to varying degrees; when you lie with dogs you get up with fleas.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

My wife had a very enabling friend.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Many years ago I was very naïve. My wife gradually picked up a new set of GF. She started going out 1 or 2 nights a week for “girl’s night out” stuff. I thought it was just her having fun with the girls. In reality it was not just girls. A few men, divorced, would meet up with them at restaurants, or someone’s house to watch a movie and such. She never told me about the men.

In reality, many of them were divorced or getting divorced. Furthermore, the majority was currently or had previously cheated on their spouse. I knew most of them from school (my wife’s a teacher) and they seemed so nice to me, little did I know. She now admits that being around these people all the time had a dramatic influence on her moral compass. 3 of them including my wife had affairs with the same man, their boss the principal. 

I have nothing to say to these toxic, self absorbed, people. They know, I know, the truth of who they really are.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That wasn't the case in my situation, in fact it was quite the opposite. When our mutual friend (true friend of the marriage) found out that my wife had been cheating on me, she chewed her a$$ out big time and even told her that if she didn't come clean with me that she was going to tell me everything. I can vouche for this because a day before I discovered the video of my ex-wife having sex with the OM, our friend called me and said that she urgently needed to talk to me regarding some very important information about my then wife. Boy I sure wish that I had not been busy the day before because listening to her could have saved me the trauma of the video discovery. Sh!t happens.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes she did. Also a cheater, then divorcee. I helped the "friend" with small things on a few occasions, never treated her bad.

She went really sour when found out I stopped the divorce.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Most of my W's friends from HS have the potential to be toxic, given the amount of cheating, jealousy and rotation of gf/bf relationships that went on in their circle, on the part of both genders. Many of them maintain friendships even to this day. And, my W was no angel in that respect, either. In fact, she stopped going to one particular therapist upon learning that one of the receptionists there is the ex-wife of one of her HS exes and who still has some mutual friends. With no love lost between them, my wife opted to seek out another therapist rather than Ruskin this woman "accidentally" seeing her records or passing along details to friends or family members in a manner that doesn't violate confidentiality, but still makes it clear who she's talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I was the WS and yes there was a toxic person (cousin).

But in the end, he didn't put a gun to my head and make me sleep with the OW. I did it and it was my choice, he might have enabled it but I could have easily said no thank you and removed him from my life.

Blaming the toxic friend(s) or the OW/OM is pointless IMO if the WS made a choice to cheat. 100% of the blame falls on the WS.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Did your WS have a Toxic Friend that enabled/facilitated the affair?


yep...
her parents and my children.
yay for her!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex W must have had a bunch of them... during the trickle truth phase she leaked out that a couple of her friends didn't like her behavior, but it seems they are still chummy, and none of them ever thought to, you know... let me know my W was having sex with other guys behind my back. They were obviously not my friends.

Then there is the older lady who seemed like my ex's biggest fountain of wisdom, she is on her 4th "marriage" right now, says we don't always get it right the first time (sheesh!! isn't that what dating is all about?).

The trickiest one for me though, is a close couple we are still mutual friends with, whose kids are friends with mine, and who seemed to be very kind to me during all this. My ex is much closer to her though, and has always confided everything in her, but this friend said she knew nothing about what my ex was doing at the time of her affairs... I'm not convinced she is telling me the truth, and so it is costing me my friendship with her H. Toxic indeed.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Yep, Several actually. Bigtime toxic.

They were old friends she had gradually but completely gravitated away from over the decade plus we were together. They weren't good people, I never considered them (by my standards) "real" friends. 

As her affair gained steam, they quietly came back into the picture and played a large part in enabling the affair or at least alleviating my XW's guilt about it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

There is an interesting note:
20 year high school reunion happened about a year before my wife started cheating on me..
Mustve met a lot of friends there....


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

she sure did..my wife had her bff who was cheating on her hubbie and some girls she went to hs with.the one is a ***** who said to my wife after she banged tattoo "i would have f**ked him but im married"i said isnt it nice to know a total wh*re has more morals than you.but she had another group of friends who she hid it from because they do have morals


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

My wife had one friend in particular that knew all about the affair and was having one of her own. She helped my wife all that she could including offering up her empty house for them to use while she was on vacation with her husband.

There were others that knew about it and even joked with her about it. All of these people were fellow teachers at my wife's school.

Like movin on, my wife also had a group of more moral minded friends who she didn't tell any of it to and won't to this day.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My STBXW friends may have not had any direct involvement with her most recent affair, but they are of the "cougar" variety. Some are openly cheating on their husbands, some are in "open" marriages,and some of them are divorced. Every one of them, my wife included, enjoy trolling the nightclubs every weekend for twenty-something young men to prey on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I don't believe in this whole "toxic friend" and "enabling" stuff. We're not in high school anymore. These cheating spouses are grown individuals capable of making rational choices.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I don't believe in this whole "toxic friend" and "enabling" stuff. We're not in high school anymore. These cheating spouses are grown individuals capable of making rational choices.


Step One
The ww makes a decision to hang out with new people or resume old friendships with their own friends.. [omg. I just had a realisation. will post later] . These are simply friends that have different lives. At the same time they still maintain the old friendships. They encourage BS to make friends of their own..

Step Two
As soon as the idea of "someone new" pops into their head they are naturally going to talk to the people who are more sympathetic, these are often the new friends who are their friends not friends known to both spouses. 

Step three
They cheat and the BS exposes them. They are then left with a choice:

a) talk to old friends who are going to be horrified and embarrassed.

b) talk to new friends who are sympathetic and encourage into freedom of single life. Art galleries, bands ,late nights, inviting AP to parties with them. Laughing in the rain and dancing under rainbows while Unicorn smiles.

Then the new friends look for their next person to set free. Your WW is right there with them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Complexity said:


> I don't believe in this whole "toxic friend" and "enabling" stuff. We're not in high school anymore. These cheating spouses are grown individuals capable of making rational choices.


Agreed - they own their decisions.

But - my wife stopped hanging out with her "real" friends - good people who would have looked down on her - in favor of people with "looser" morals.

At a minimum - my wife's new buddies should have been a red flag.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i cant say i blame my former toxic friend for me getting into all kinds of strange, but she sure helped me justify it to myself.

i knew it was wrong, but i was so angry at my husband [then boyfriend and baby daddy]. we had so much against us, that it turned us against each other.

my husband and i were talking about old times and old pain, and i recalled that my so called friend used to come to my apt bldg, and tell her other guys to pick her up there.

of course she was cheating the whole time, but i didnt know everything. i dont think she told all her friends the whole truth. like i knew about this guy, and another friend knew about another guy.

she kept us all apart, and none of us talked to any friend of hers without her there. and i like a big dummy head, just played right along into her fantasy.

i woke up, and kicked her to the curb, but not before i was left alone with a baby. after i was "single", she decided i was no use to her anymore since she destroyed us.[i know not really, but it sure seemed like a concidence she couldnt find the time to call or visit]

she wanted me to be her aliby, i wouldnt do it, and she set up ways, like we went to the mall, and she could tell her man we were hangin out. he didnt question, she would ditch me asap, and go off with some guy. i didnt know that at the time. just hindsight.

i have come to realize its me who has the probem, and i better deal with it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My wife clearly started her EA on her own accord, she went searching for her old friend on FB.

BUT all her other friends were already doing it too. Bad mouthing their husbands, talking the unhappy life talk, and making out with other guys/starting EAs with other guys.

As far as the ONS, I don't know that her friend enabled it, but after it happened she really encouraged it. She encouraged my wife to not mention it to me, and wanted my wife to start dating this guy and start seeing him. She was cheating on her boyfriend the whole night she had the ONS and obviously wanted a partner in crime.

I knew something was wrong when she started talking to that friend regularly, because she was a total **** and not someone my wife would normally associate with.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

My wife's TF just so happened to my my brother's wife. She enabled AND facilitated...all while lying to my face. Needless to say, she is out of our lives. I will not tolerate her having any "friends" that our not friends of our marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WeDoExist said:


> My wife's TF just so happened to my my brother's wife. She enabled AND facilitated...all while lying to my face. Needless to say, she is out of our lives. I will not tolerate her having any "friends" that our not friends of our marriage.


What is the status on your wife's affair(s)? I have not seen an update on your thread.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What is the status on your wife's affair(s)? I have not seen an update on your thread.


NC is in effect w/ OM and my SIL. WW has since been to doctor, and is all clear. She has agreed to take a polygraph test. I have verified through phone/chat records that she did indeed end contact before I got home. SIL is in damage control mode and is being very defensive. Thought she'd "spill the beans" on my WW... thankfully I was fully aware of everything she told me. Spouse is showing true remorse... She's gotten rid of all "tangible triggers". We did our first session of MC last week. It's gonna be a rough road for sure. WW has happily agreed to any conditions I have. We even clarified our individual "boundaries" when it comes to interactions w/ opposite sex. (They are very conservative) I'm reluctantly optimistic...although her "doing anything to please her man" has been fun. She asks me everyday if I'm going to leave her. Everyday I say...."not today".


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Agreed - they own their decisions.
> 
> But - my wife stopped hanging out with her "real" friends - good people who would have looked down on her - in favor of people with "looser" morals.
> 
> At a minimum - my wife's new buddies should have been a red flag.


Same here! My H met a new guy from work...brought him around our home...he was a single father. Well this toxic friend had a gf (he actually had a few...I only knew the one) so when H went to help toxic friend I was not suspicious. Turns out toxic friend had another gf who never heard of me either and she also had a bff...who became my H's OW. So my H would have never met his OW if toxic friend didn't introduce and help show him how it was done. And believe me...it was my Hs fault and no one elses...but these toxic ppl do create 'the perfect storm'. H went NC on the friend same day he went NC on the OW. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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