# feeling so confused..



## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

Hello out there.
As my husband and I near the end of our 90 day separation, I feel as though I am more confused, bitter and resentful as ever. But WHY... I requested divorce, he countered with separation and I agreed. We have been going to counseling, even if not to save our marriage, we have 4 littles that we need to be able to communicate in a healthy way for. He does have some mental health things he is dealing with and learning to cope with and I have been with him through it, but why couldnt he have done this sooner? Why did he have to wait until I was finally broken to finally start changing things? I begged and begged relentlessly and told him that if we didnt get help that our marriage would come to an end. Now he is doing it. He is making these great changes, he is nicer, playing with the kids more (when he has them that is, custody and his real "involvement" is a whole other argument) he is social and friendly with people, and even has a girl coming to clean the house for him, which really gets under my skin because he would never lift a finger to help with the house while I was there, and now he is living alone and the kids are practically never there and he has a girl cleaning? (_insert angry eye roll here_) which is great, for him I guess? All it does is make me feel bitter. I hate it. I know its not okay, and I try to think that everything that was done to me during our marriage was not all "him", it was whatever he has going on with his mental health, which is still an on going work-in-progress, but it makes me feel so sad. 
I feel very confused about my feelings, I was miserable while we were together, he wasnt involved with the children, I could never do anything right, which he told me multiple times, the screaming and cursing at me, conversation could never go any deeper than what happened at work that day and then how the kids behaved that day, and now that we are separated I feel stuck, whats going to come after this? Scared, maybe I should just go back to marriage with him and deal with it for the next 18-ish years until the kids are old enough.. 
I just want to feel okay again. I want to feel peace in my decision. 
Someone? Anyone? 😔


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

cnw1005 said:


> Why did he have to wait until I was finally broken to finally start changing things? I begged and begged relentlessly and told him that if we didnt get help that our marriage would come to an end. Now he is doing it.


When you threaten the same thing over and over but don't follow through, you lose all credibility. He knew (or thought) you'd never follow through with it so why would he change if he didn't have to? 

Now he realizes you actually DID mean it and that was his wakeup call. Many people need to stand losing everything to really change. 

Personally, I wouldn't decide to stay just yet. He needs to prove these changes are real for a lot longer than 3 months. More like a year, honestly. 

And if you think you are done and wouldn't be happy with him regardless of the changes, then it's okay for you to walk away. It really is. You do not have to stay with him just because he changed now and certainly not "for the kids". 

Sometimes it's too late. In that case, be the best co-parents you can be and be glad that your kids will get a better, healthier version of him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well... would you be willing to have to go through this process again? This whole ordeal of having to make this decision that you are done...again...and going through separation... again? While I think its great that he is finally making an effort, I've been around this block enough times to know that changes rarely stick. Especially not the first attempt. So think about if you are really confident enough in what he is doing, to be willing to take the chance to have to start over with all this again. Please dont just resign and "deal with it" for the next 18 years, that is no way for your OR your children to live. (to me, the cleaning lady is proof there isnt deep change happening, but thats just my view from out here)
Maybe consider another 90 days, and evaluate after that point. Because six months would be a more realistic gauge of whether or not his changes and his commitment to those changes is real and could actually stick. Anyone can change a bit for 90 days. Anything positive he can do is good for your kids, if you decide that its too late or not enough for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is far too early to reconcile. Get a good lawyer to see your options first. A clear separation agreement with what he and you must do with regard to finances, running the households, spending money, children, etc. You also must discuss whether dating other people are allowed during separation, I would suggest not. If he does all bets are off. 
Ensure he takes up half of the childcare and does not leave you holding the bag while he goes off and pursues his new life.
This is all new for you now, get a good therapist to help you through this but don't go back into the marriage with him. People will attempt to change when the chips are down but when things go back to the old normal, then they slip back into their habits. It is very difficult for people to change.


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## stratdude (May 15, 2020)

Don't make any decisions yet. There are people on this board who may scoff at the idea that he is changing, but as I have heard many times, sometimes it takes one spouse to have one foot out the door to create a motivation for the other to change. Yes, he should have done it sooner. Yes, you don't "trust" that this is truly him. Yes, you guys probably could have communicated your problems better. Yes, you threatened to leave, and yes, he is now trying. That is a lot more than what a lot of people get, and he is showing you that you matter to him and the relationship matters. If he is showing these signs of wanting to change, then it is up to you to have clear boundaries with him from this point forward (which goes both ways), and if he crosses a boundary it is up to YOU to address it, and then up to HIM to back away from the boundary. This will take time. I disagree that people do not change. They just need the motivation to. And then, time will tell how it goes from there. If you really want out, then leave. If you really just wanted him to change, well....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It could be that you wanting a divorce shocked him into confronting his problems.

It could also be that he's only been doing it for a few months because he's afraid you'll leave him, and as soon as he feels safe he'll go back to his old habits.

The latter is probably more likely than the former, but who's to say which is true?

I would say that if you do try it again and it fails, you call it at that point. Going through this multiple times is not good.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

No matter what the situation, there is going to be emotional turmoil when we divorce. 

Mine lasted about 5 minutes once I made my mind up, but it took 26 years of hell to do that. 

So you are going to have your doubts either way. 

I like the suggestion of waiting 3 more months and seeing what happens. 

Have you found anyone you want to date yet? If not, would 3 more months work. 

I will say this, no one that I know has ever said that they wish they has waited to divorce. Not one.


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