# I need help



## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

My H and I have been married 22 years. 12 years ago I believe that we rug swept an affair based on what I have since found out in the last six months. Hope I don't make this too long.

So 12 years I was pregnant. My H was offered an overseas position and he went and I followed 4 on the later. During this time he met OW and commenced the PA. When I found some evidence (too many phone calls, one weird email) he lied and I accepted his explanations. I was in a strange country and suffering post natal depression.

Fast forward to November 2015 to February 2016. I was upset over an inappropriate FB friend and his messages and a strange name in his contacts. So during this period I went into investigation mode. The evidence I found was this:

Emails confirming a PA 12 years ago, which continued as a EA for the next 12 years, including emails, sending money trying to get her visas to visit. I also found condoms and viagara hidden and hotel bookings for our city. For one hotel booking I rang on the day and he had checked in but no one answered the phone in the room.

We had several confrontations and major fights and he said I could get out but couldn't take the kids. We agreed to try again and all he admitted was sending inappropriate emails to the OW. Everything else he had a lie to cover it. I gave in and decided to watch and see if he would change. He made me stop snooping.

But all he did was pretend nothing ever happened. Five weeks later my son came to me and told me that dad is cheating on you mom. He and his brother saw an inappropriate text and he spied on his father for five weeks to make sure. He provided me with whatsapp messages about hotel meetings, I love yous, giving her money (this is another OW) and two more possible OWs with suspicious but not conclusive evidence.

I want to leave him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bythesea said:


> I want to leave him.


The number of years he deceived you, lied to you, and cheated on you; I can understand why. And trust me, if you're looking for encouragement or confirmation to divorce him, you'll get plenty of it from this forum. 

Sorry you're here.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

12 years of lies and deceit, sweetie I think you do need to leave.

Now your son also knows, which I'm sure is heart breaking,it is time to find the strength to stand up to him and move on with your life.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Sorry you're here. I wish I had better things to say, but this too shall pass. I would definitely lawyer up, and find your best options available.

If he has indeed been lying and continuing on, I cannot see this working out. I'm assuming that no counseling has occurred in the past with the prior affair?

He sounds either addicted or he's an extreme narcissist to continue cheating. If he was truly sorry and showing remorse, he would / should have opened up all his communications / passwords etc. to you to rebuild trust. Seeing as he asked you to stop snooping, that tells me he's not on the up and up.

I'm horrified that your sons found out, and while I'm glad they came to you, that's a terrible burden for a child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You want to leave him, so get an attorney and file for divorce.

I can understand why you want a divorce, he's been lying and cheating your entire marriage. He does not deserve any further chances to fix things.

How many children do you have and how old are they?

He told you that you can leave but you cannot take the children. Guess what, he has no control over that. You have the same rights in a divorce as he does. So let's look at a few things here.

If anyone leaves, it needs to be him due to his cheating and complete disrespect for you and your children. Get copies of all of your evidence of the affair(s) and put them in a safe place. Depending on your state, you might be able to use adultery as the reason for your divorce. It can make a difference.

Whatever you do, do not move out of your marital home. Ask the attorney if you can get a court order to force your husband to move out based on his infidelity and lying. There is good reason for you to not feel safe around him.

Are you two still having sex? If so stop. Having sex with him does two things. 1) exposes you to STDs. 2) legally it means that you accept his cheating.

Do you have a job at this time? Do you have access to money.. like joint accounts?


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

You have to leave him. This is not a one night stand. This is years of disrespect, dishonesty, and utter disregard for the vows he made to you. Not only is he cheating by sleeping with the OW he is cheating by taking money from your family and spending it on her. That is almost just as bad. This guy needs to lose you forever. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you have to do this for your children. They need to see you as a strong woman that they can respect. If you don't they will learn that actions do not have consequences and that in life you can treat people terribly, lie, and cheat and get away with it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This was certainly no EA! He's been cheating on you for years on end!

And don't let him blow smoke up your backside about not keeping primary control of the kids either!

Get yourself to a good "piranha" family lawyer who will take extreme pride in making him wear his a$$ for a hat!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here but you have come to best place for help and solace!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear! What a distressing story!

By the way, how old are the boys?

Do they require counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer ASAP. You do not give a location, so I will not assume to know the culture or circumstances.

Do not take anything he says as true as in "you can go, but can not take the kids". This is why legal advice is needed by you. Find out what your legal options are.

Then make an exit plan. Do not tell him what you are planning.

Good luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DO NOT LEAVE. Before you do ANYTHING speak to a lawyer. 

Ideally you will kick his sorry a$$ out and change all the locks and tell him he can rot in hell. But again, SEE A LAWYER FIRST.

You NEED to divorce this sorry piece of trash. He's a lying cheating ba$tard. So see a lawyer ASAP.

And get STD tested stat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to be clear, when people here are saying that you need to "leave" him, they do not mean that you pack up and leave your house.

They mean that you stay in your home, with your children, see a lawyer and file for divorce. The goal is to get him out of your house. He has to physically leave the family home.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was lied to for 13 yrs...you are not alone!

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

You will get through this shyt...we all have /are.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're here and for all you've been through. Your future is so bright, and it sounds like you have some intelligent, virtuous, empathetic, kind kiddos to share it with.

I hope you can see a lawyer very very soon.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, your husband has been having sex with multiple other women your whole marriage. He's finally gotten so brazen with his cheating that his own son has found out. There are men out there that won't cheat in you. I was married 14 years and never considered cheating. Lots of men Don't cheat. Yours does, and likely always will. He's a serial cheater.
Don't waste your life not experiencing what a faithful spouse that truly cares about you is like. Quietly get an attorney and treat him to a healthy dose of what is called consequences. He needs to learn what it looks like. 

If you want to be happy again, don't even consider giving him another chance. Yes, it will hurt for a long time. It will also be like you took a deep breath of air after being held under water when you have a new relationship with a man that cares about you like he should. Very sorry.
Divorce him.

Btw, your son is a good person. That took a lot for him to tell you. No son wants to have to tell his mom that. Courageous. Love that boy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

You can leave him, you just need to plan your exit carefully. There may be laws where you are about taking the children out of the marital home. You need money and a lawyer, do you have these things?


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess because I have been living with this for awhile I just wanted some other opinions. I have no one I can confide in. 

To answer some questions my boys are 16 and 12. The youngest doesn't really know what is going on because the older one diverted him and then looked for the real evidence on his own. I am so proud of the way he has handled himself during this whole ordeal. I will be getting them counseling soon as I am able.

We live outside the US and my WH just lost his job. We will be returning to the US in June. Until then I have no real access to funds, lawyers or even doctors for help. I am doing this really hard. I won't speak to him about it again until we are home and I feel safer to do so. Here he could cancel my visa and send me home alone and I can't stop it.

Thanks for the support. It's good to know you are not alone in difficult times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keep strong. We will be here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Bythesea*
> Emails confirming a PA 12 years ago, which* continued as a EA for the next 12 years, *including emails, sending money trying to get her visas to visit. I also found condoms and viagara hidden and hotel bookings for our city
> Everything else he had a lie to cover it. *I gave in* and decided to watch and see if he would change. He made me stop snooping


.


Others have given you great advice about a lawyer and other issues pertaining to child custody and the materials stuff. I want to suggest that you also get LOTS of help from all sources so that you can get stronger in many ways and especially emotionally and with your self-respect.


I do not mean to insult you but your words above tell me that you are weak and may not be able to take the actions that you have been given on this thread. I have seen a LOT of that on this TAM forum. Your husband has been cheating on you for 12 years and lies to you and you “CAVE IN”. That spelled out to me that you are compromising big time and you are probably too weak to execute the actions that is best for you and your child.


I am sure if you seek advice from this TAM forum for sources of getting stronger you will get good leads. Do not stop here at TAM but seek out other sources in your community and other places (Internet?). If you can find another woman that has already been through this situation grab her and drink in all the help that she can give you.

What I see is a lot of women and men that are walked on big time but are not strong enough to take the actions that they know will help. That is not something you need to be ashamed of because almost all of us BSs did the same thing for a while. *Get stronger emotionally and get more self-sufficient because that is going to your ticket to stop being treated like a door mat.
*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have got great advice here already. As an expatriate wife you must have a few close friends you can confide in. You should set the stage for when you go back home to the US. Do not let your WH know what you are planning . Tell close family and friends what he has been doing. Search for good lawyers and read as much as possible on your rights. If you are going back before him, get the papers ready and hit him with them. You have been walked over for 12 years, take back control of your life. If possible get counselling for yourself now so that you can be strong enough to face him, you will need all the courage you can muster to get rid of him from your life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Can you at least get STD tested right now?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Bythesea said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess because I have been living with this for awhile I just wanted some other opinions. I have no one I can confide in.
> 
> To answer some questions my boys are 16 and 12. The youngest doesn't really know what is going on because the older one diverted him and then looked for the real evidence on his own. I am so proud of the way he has handled himself during this whole ordeal. I will be getting them counseling soon as I am able.
> 
> ...


Jeez - this sounds terrifying. Please be sure you cover your tracks so he can't find your posts here, or any discussions you have about this with offline support. (use private browsing to access TAM, maybe consider locking your phone if he wouldn't freak, etc.) June must feel so far away, but it'll be here before you know it. Keep posting, stay strong.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The REAL family here is you and your sons. That is your requirement at this stage.


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Hi just an update. I have no friends here, wasn't allowed or encouraged to make any. I have told my brother just to have someone out there who knows me know the truth and give me advice. He has been supportive but now the initial shock has worn off is busy itch his life and I guess waiting for us to come home. I cannot talk to WH any more about this. He keeps threatening to put me on a plane home without my sons and he can do it that way as he is our sponsor here. Here can walk in cancel my visa and I would be stuffed and have to leave the country.

The things I know about my WH when he feels someone has betrayed him/done him wrong is he will be ruthless. He has cut even family out of his life in the past for no real valid reason. So I am scared of what he will do when he knows I am serious about him leaving because of his behavior. He has recently accused me of cheating on no basis except me losing some weight (the infidelity diet ha ha). He also said that if I left it would ruin the boys life. Well I don't buy that. Who cheated with many women, who lied broke their vows etc etc. he has ruined all our lives.

Right now everyday until we leave is a struggle. I think of what is going on 24/7 and cannot concentrate on all the mundane tasks of moving, boys finishing exams and school etc. pretending we are a happy family is also slowly killing my sanity. 

So lawyers, std tests, financials, IC all have to wait six weeks. Thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just keep it together for now. That's all you can do.

are you concerned that he might find this thread?


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

No. I delete my browser history and I don't think that he knows about this forum and I don't think he would go looking unless I had told him something. I also can't see him reading lots of threads looking for one about us. He has bad eyesight and doesn't read a lot online because of it. 

Besides I really believe that he thinks he has gotten away with it again. This is based on my analysis of what has happened in the past where he has always lied and gaslighted. This is the first time I have been able to have fairly conclusive proof that he has had sex with someone else, past evidence was always inconclusive and I stupidly believed his lies.


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## AvoidDivorce (Jun 10, 2015)

Bythesea said:


> No. I delete my browser history and I don't think that he knows about this forum and I don't think he would go looking unless I had told him something. I also can't see him reading lots of threads looking for one about us. He has bad eyesight and doesn't read a lot online because of it.
> 
> Besides I really believe that he thinks he has gotten away with it again. This is based on my analysis of what has happened in the past where he has always lied and gaslighted. This is the first time I have been able to have fairly conclusive proof that he has had sex with someone else, past evidence was always inconclusive and I stupidly believed his lies.


A couple of things. First, your situation absolutely sucks, and I am sorry. Until your husband is willing to cease the cheating, take responsibility, and focus on helping you heal, you should continue to craft an exit strategy.

Don't wait 6 weeks to begin. Do it now. Creating a plan is not leaving. It is getting ready.

As a cheater that got caught and is losing his wife, I can tell you that his suspicion is at an all-time high because he is projecting. I did this. Sadly I found proof of my wife cheating too, but the point is he will be watching you closely. Don't assume that he can't see this forum. Even the best of us make mistakes and leave fingerprints. Eventually you will too. Take care. Good luck. I wish you better times.


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks Avoiddivorce I wasn't sure why you think that he is so suspicious. I have not confronted him with the final proof of his infidelities. He has never admitted to me that he has had sex with anyone else while we were married. So after our last fight we moved past the issues again because I let him rug sweep. I did this on purpose to see if I could find more evidence and a desire to plan a better future. Because of past confrontations and our history I fully believe he thinks I'm just the stupid little wife who loves and trusts her WH. He can lie his way out of anything.

I am not just waiting six weeks to leave. I have to wait. In six weeks time we will leave this country where I have no rights. Then when I am safely back in the US I can see a lawyer and secure my financial freedom while also keeping the children safe. I have a strong belief that when I do have the final confrontation he will flee never to be heard from again. I need to protect our future if this does happen. Especially when he doesn't have a job, home or any ties to where we will be living. So I feel all I can do for this period is get my ducks in a row and protect my children.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope the six weeks go by really quickly. You're in my thoughts.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Bythesea said:


> The things I know about my WH when he feels someone has betrayed him/done him wrong is he will be ruthless. He has cut even family out of his life in the past for no real valid reason. So I am scared of what he will do when he knows I am serious about him leaving because of his behavior.


So, your husband is ruthless to people he thinks "betray or do him wrong" him... Apparently, cheating on his wife for over twelve years is not an act of betrayal on his part? Yet, he will get butt hurt and ruthless when someone questions why he hasn't honored his vows...He's the dictionary example of hypocrisy. WTF is wrong with some people?

Your husband is a grade A, Def-con 5, Code Red Asshat. He stole a big part of your life. He does not deserve you.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I recognize your back history from SI, Surviving infidelity. 

I was banned about a year ago, but i keep up on the threads. Hun, i have been thinking about you for months and wishing you strength to keep your poker face on. I don't think you love him anymore. Your lives have just been so wrapped up in each others. You also have this painful feeling of rejection and deception you have been living under for so long. I hope you will get into to therapy and summon the strength to leave this horrid man. Yes, he is awful. You may only have circumstantial evidence, and not enough to convict him in the court of law, but you have enough proof for the court of love. His actions are not loving, or faithful. He is guilty. You know it, but you have cognitive dissonance and just can't seem to allow yourself to act on what you know. 

Six weeks, you are both anxious and afraid. Your whole life could change for the better if you have the strength to follow through. Sure it will be tough. I think you are right to fear his reaction. That is why i advise getting to the states and actually file a TRO, not for fear of your life but to fear for your emotional well being. You need to come from a place of absolute strength like a sledge hammer, (when you get home) 

Again, my thoughts are with you and i am so glad you found this place. They can be harsher here...sometimes down right mean but people often are more helpful than anywhere else i have gone.


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Thank you threelittlestars you really summed it up well. You are right I don't love him anymore. Not the love one should feel for their husband that died after I found out the depth of his lies and deception. I guess there is what I would call some residual love for us as a couple and for the family unit that I thought that we had. It is very hard to grasp the reality that the marriage that you were living was not real but based on a big lie and very damaging behavior hidden from one partner. And yes it is so very hard as our lives have been intertwined for 23 years and I have been a SAHM for 16 years. So a new life is a very scary prospect.

And I will admit now that there have been three occasions in our 23 years where we fought to the stage of him telling me to get out of the marriage and every time when it came to the crunch I couldn't do it. Of course I could have left any other time I wanted. So I am scared that when we get home I won't have the courage to leave him.

I also know about the proof. I think a jury would convict him on the details in the texts and emails, but he always lies it away. (I mean saying you enjoy doggie and miss it - how many explanations can there be). At one time he even provoked me when I challenged him on lying about where he was and being at a hotel. He just lied and said I should have come to the hotel. So I get the feeling that unless I am able to catch him actually in the act of having sex with someone else he will never admit it. I have proven evidence of so many lies it is enough for me. Every time I find myself wavering and not wanting to disrupt everyone's lives I go back and read the emails and texts to remind myself what he has done. He said I could go and tell everyone I left because he is cheating and he would know the truth I mean WTF he has to be delusional.

I just have to believe that I will have the strength to act this time. As my eldest DS caught him this last time I guess he will also give me the strength to go.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Bythesea said:


> He also said that if I left it would ruin the boys life. Well I don't buy that. Who cheated with many women, who lied broke their vows etc etc. he has ruined all our lives


The boys are almost grown and will survive just fine. I think it would be more harmful if you stayed with their father after your son tracked down his cheating. What would that teach them about cheating and what's ok?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Hey, Keep strong. ITS JUNE! You will be free soon. 

Stay strong, Im thinking good thoughts your way. Stay the course and protect yourself once you are on the main land. Your husband is going to try to fight you for the upper hand. DONT LET HIM. contact a friend NOW and arrange for something. Family etc. Ask them to COME to your house when you plan to leave him. Give him no choice but to be the one to leave. And don't bother confronting. Too much anxiety. Just have him served. 

Update please. i know you are on SI and your last post was very anxious. We are here for ya!


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Stay strong, stay focused. You deserve peace, happiness, and love, and your kids deserve to see their mom HEALTHY (mentally, emotionally) and happy.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Just an update. Yes it is finally June and moving plans are underway. Very busy during the day's sorting and packing the house for the move. Nights are spent worrying over what will happen when I get home. Trying to plan for every eventuality and how I can act in each case. Trying to stay strong so I can kick him out.

We will be moving back to my family but I haven't told them yet need to do it in person. My brother knows and is supportive but lives in another state a fair drive away. I keep pain shopping when I need to reading his texts/chat/emails to remind myself of who he is and what he has been doing.

The stress is really getting to me and just can't wait to be safe and see a Dr for some help.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Bythesea said:


> Just an update. Yes it is finally June and moving plans are underway. Very busy during the day's sorting and packing the house for the move. Nights are spent worrying over what will happen when I get home. Trying to plan for every eventuality and how I can act in each case. Trying to stay strong so I can kick him out.
> 
> We will be moving back to my family but I haven't told them yet need to do it in person. My brother knows and is supportive but lives in another state a fair drive away. I keep pain shopping when I need to reading his texts/chat/emails to remind myself of who he is and what he has been doing.
> 
> The stress is really getting to me and just can't wait to be safe and see a Dr for some help.


In this situation PAIN SHOPPING is the right thing to do. smart cookie. Remind yourself who and WHAT he is. 

Cant wait for the update that you say you have kicked him out. You have not listened to his BS anymore. i AM ROOTING HARD FOR YOU!


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Bythesea said:


> Just an update. Yes it is finally June and moving plans are underway. Very busy during the day's sorting and packing the house for the move. Nights are spent worrying over what will happen when I get home. Trying to plan for every eventuality and how I can act in each case. Trying to stay strong so I can kick him out.
> 
> We will be moving back to my family but I haven't told them yet need to do it in person. My brother knows and is supportive but lives in another state a fair drive away. I keep pain shopping when I need to reading his texts/chat/emails to remind myself of who he is and what he has been doing.
> 
> The stress is really getting to me and just can't wait to be safe and see a Dr for some help.


Pain shopping - that's a new term I hadn't heard before! And yes, I did that quite a lot as well. 

I hope you can keep up the necessary strength to continue to a better place. You're on the right path. He appears to be a recurrent cheater and consummate liar, and there's no place for that in your life. Counseling will help quite a bit. Best of luck as you continue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bythesea said:


> My H and I have been married 22 years. 12 years ago I believe that we rug swept an affair based on what I have since found out in the last six months. Hope I don't make this too long.
> 
> So 12 years I was pregnant. My H was offered an overseas position and he went and I followed 4 on the later. During this time he met OW and commenced the PA. When I found some evidence (too many phone calls, one weird email) he lied and I accepted his explanations. I was in a strange country and suffering post natal depression.
> 
> ...


He actually left the marriage 12 years ago so your leaving him would just be like balancing the books, so to speak. 

You should leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Well another update. Just waiting to move home. As we are packing to move I am finding more evidence. Found condoms hidden in his work bag in a box he bought home from the office. Also discovered that during the last school holiday, just after a holiday away when we supposed to be reconnecting, he booked a hotel to meet OW number X. So done.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How soon until you're back stateside?

Once you're back, how close will you be to family and friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Hey girl, Only a few more days. What is your plan in confrontation and separation?


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

The end is in sight!! Stay strong.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are all here for you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Have you been able to get a head start on an attorney for when you are back? You can do this online pretty easily these days. It might help to keep your spine stiff. 

I really think that you will find your strength when you get out of there. You have to do it, if not for you, then for your son. You have to model honorable behavior for him.

Please keep us posted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, do your attorney research asap


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Tried but have to wait to get home to see attorney. He left his iPad open yesterday and I checked it. First time in months could get access since he changed passwords. Couldn't see emails. Nothing in browser history but in his photos were two screenshots. One of a naked women in a junk mail folder and the other of three girls on a Russian dating site. These were taken on Thursday evening when the kids were around and could have seen what he was doing. Now what.

I am just reeling at the moment from all the new information. Even though it basically doesn't change anything, but shows he's more of a disgusting pig than I thought.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Bythesea said:


> Tried but have to wait to get home to see attorney. He left his iPad open yesterday and I checked it. First time in months could get access since he changed passwords. Couldn't see emails. Nothing in browser history but in his photos were two screenshots. One of a naked women in a junk mail folder and the other of three girls on a Russian dating site. These were taken on Thursday evening when the kids were around and could have seen what he was doing. Now what.
> 
> I am just reeling at the moment from all the new information. Even though it basically doesn't change anything, but shows he's more of a disgusting pig than I thought.


Hey Messy/Bythesea

You still love and are codependent on your husband and your resolve wavers i can feel in your posts. Each new find is a pierce to your heart, but i got to ask....When it comes to him why have you not turned your heart to stone? He does not care about you, he cares about the surface. From the surface he has a family and a good job that allows for world travel. He just got fired though right? You never went into why he lost his job.???? 

When it comes to the russian girls he is probably liking the MAJOR ego kibbles russian woman give in the beginning. They are in a different universe when it comes to other women. To be frank in the beginning you cannot compete with a russian woman looking for an american man. Trust me....I speak russian and i am VERY aware of their game and american men. They actually take classes and courses on seduction and manipulation of weak men.They only show the real self after a wedding ring and a green card. 

When you leave him be ready for him to be dabbling in mail order brides. He may think their game is real.... That he has a woman that he can control, but i tell you he will get his soul sucked dry in no time. And he will likely be cheated on....eventually  

I cannot think of a BETTER way for him to have his just deserts. 
Please let him be, go take a long bath listen to Chopin and plan your elaborate escape. Take it slow, and keep it secret for a little bit till you see a lawyer and file papers. Please dont offer him the respect of a face to face confrontation till you have EVERY single DUCK IN A ROW!


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Hey, girl 

I read that you are flying home to home today on SI. i am thinking about you and hope you come back and post here. 

WISHING YOU SAFE TRAVEL. and i hope you bring down the ax! 

Good thoughts your way.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thinking of you! Hope you are getting things done and that your tests come back clear.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm thinking of you and your boys too.
You will be rid of him very soon!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gather all the info you can, hire the meanest shark lawyer you can find, and take his sorry ass to the cleaners.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He doesn't deserve you.

By the way the photos of those lovely young girls on the Russian dating site? They are probably stolen from another website and the site is a scam site run by a 70 year old grandma and her obese son from an apartment in Vladivostok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Bythesea said:


> So 12 years ago I was pregnant. My H was offered an overseas position and he went and I followed 4 on the later. During this time he met OW and commenced the PA.


Cheated on you while you were pregnant......

Doesn't get any LOWER than this. What a POS.



Bythesea said:


> I want to leave him.


As you should. You already wasted 12 good years. 

What are you waiting for. I'd do it for you if I could.


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## Bythesea (Mar 28, 2016)

Forgot to provide an update on here. Changed the password when I had to then lost it and forgot to come back.

Well here we are 3 months later and things have changed. We returned to the US and rented a house and tried to settle down, but of course everything that can go wrong has. He decided that he didn't like me and the way I was behaving after our arrival. He decided to return to his home country and it was great for one night, didn't even have to confront over the cheating, but then little DS got extremely upset when the ******* told him he was leaving and he would never see him again. So that made him change his mind. Eldest DS (who caught him cheating) and I were extremely upset. Eldest DS had a mini breakdown that really worried me.

Anyway then in September I got some ducks in a row and decided to confront after securing some funds. So we had a big mega confrontation which led to eldest DS stepping in, to protect me and WH trying to steal my handbag when he found out I taken money from the joint account. The three of us struggled and fought over the handbag and WH ended up on top of DS on the ground. An undignified mess which led to the police being called by youngest DS who was scared witless by the fighting.

He left for a week but then moved back in because he refuses to pay a second rent for another place when neither of us is working. He is sleeping in another bedroom. He begged to come back but would only admit to trying to do something with the AP from 12 years ago but nothing happened. (A little more TT) He says he had an inappropriate friendship with the OWs in Abu Dhabi. I don't believe his **** at all. The whatsapp messages my son found talked about going to hotels and it being better the second time and how they loved each other and she wanted to go to the states with him. Doesn't sound very platonic to me.

So now stuck in limbo land until he decides to move out. I really do not want to move. He has applied for lots of jobs in other states so I hope he gets one and goes. When he begged to come back and practically demanded that I forgive him, I wrote him some emails which he won't even read and consider. So job I'm just detaching and getting ready to move on when I can. He won't talk about anything and says I'm too angry so FTG I'm done and just waiting til he leaves.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Bythesea said:


> My H and I have been married 22 years. 12 years ago I believe that we rug swept an affair based on what I have since found out in the last six months. Hope I don't make this too long.
> 
> So 12 years I was pregnant. My H was offered an overseas position and he went and I followed 4 on the later. During this time he met OW and commenced the PA. When I found some evidence (too many phone calls, one weird email) he lied and I accepted his explanations. I was in a strange country and suffering post natal depression.
> 
> ...


Agree you need help... as in a good D attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Bythesea He really is quite vile, isn't he?


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Bythesea - I'm glad to see this update, mostly, but you need to get him out. Why don't you file for D?? Is there any family you can stay with? This man is awful and violent and abusive. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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