# submissive husbands?



## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

Do any other ladies out there have husbands who are submissive? This is something that hadn't occurred to me at all until a few years ago. I guess I always knew, but it never really bothered me. However, I want my husband to be more dominant/aggressive now, but it just doesn't happen. Any other ladies have this issue?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> Do any other ladies out there have husbands who are submissive? This is something that hadn't occurred to me at all until a few years ago. I guess I always knew, but it never really bothered me. However, I want my husband to be more dominant/aggressive now, but it just doesn't happen. Any other ladies have this issue?


So you wanted to be the dominant one, and the husband slipped down. Now you want a more aggressive husband?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Has he always been this way? Is it in his nature to be dominant?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

No. I never really paid attention to our roles in the bedroom. I guess I was naive to the whole thing.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

over20 said:


> Has he always been this way? Is it in his nature to be dominant?


Not really. He's a very laid back outside of the bedroom. When we do have sex, it's usually pretty routine. When it does get very heated, he definitely gets submissive.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I don't have a husband but the one I did have (lol) was the exact opposite of submissive.

I am not attracted to submissive men. It's probably because I am a bit of a firecracker myself.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do you think your needs have change then?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

over20 said:


> Do you think your needs have change then?


Yes, definitely. I find myself being more sexual than ever before.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> Do any other ladies out there have husbands who are submissive? This is something that hadn't occurred to me at all until a few years ago. I guess I always knew, but it never really bothered me. However, I want my husband to be more dominant/aggressive now, but it just doesn't happen. Any other ladies have this issue?


Have you told him you want him to be more dominant?

Does this affect your sexual attraction to him?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Have you told him you want him to be more dominant?
> 
> Does this affect your sexual attraction to him?


Yes I have told him, and we've discussed it. It usually ends up with him saying he will try, but he doesn't.

It's starting to, yes.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> Yes I have told him, and we've discussed it. It usually ends up with him saying he will try, but he doesn't.
> 
> It's starting to, yes.


Is it just in the bedroom you want him to be more dominant, or do you want him to be more dominant in general? When you've discussed it with him, do you give him examples of the sort of behavior that would turn your on/be attractive to you?

It might be difficult for him to change his nature; but if he is willing to change his _behavior_ for set periods of time (for example, for a night of sex) would that satisfy you? Or are you looking for a "real" change? 

Are you able to identify where this desire of yours for him to be more dominant is coming from? Why do you think you feel this way now, when it didn't used to bother you? Has your sex life up until this point been satisfying?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you had a direct, transparent conversation with him about this? 

Some men are submissive, some are dominant, some are switches, and there is probably a whole spectrum with different levels of each.

If he is a submissive male, I don't think he will change. Can anybody out there verify or disprove this? FW?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Is it just in the bedroom you want him to be more dominant, or do you want him to be more dominant in general? When you've discussed it with him, do you give him examples of the sort of behavior that would turn your on/be attractive to you?
> 
> It might be difficult for him to change his nature; but if he is willing to change his _behavior_ for set periods of time (for example, for a night of sex) would that satisfy you? Or are you looking for a "real" change?
> 
> Are you able to identify where this desire of yours for him to be more dominant is coming from? Why do you think you feel this way now, when it didn't used to bother you? Has your sex life up until this point been satisfying?



Just in the bedroom. I've brought up some subtle ways, yes. I figure..baby steps. However, he won't take any step.

I'm honestly not sure where this desire is coming from. I feel like it just clicked in me all of a sudden it seems. We have a good sex life for sure, and I realize it is probably very difficult for him to change, but I would think this would be something he would love. lol


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Have you had a direct, transparent conversation with him about this?
> 
> Some men are submissive, some are dominant, some are switches, and there is probably a whole spectrum with different levels of each.
> 
> If he is a submissive male, I don't think he will change. Can anybody out there verify or disprove this? FW?


Yes I have. I definitely know that I'm a switch. On the occasions those roles do come into play, and I'm the dominant one, I enjoy it very much. However, I would love it for it to be reversed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> Yes I have. I definitely know that I'm a switch. On the occasions those roles do come into play, and I'm the dominant one, I enjoy it very much. However, I would love it for it to be reversed.


Is he able to switch? Or is he pure submissive?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It would be great if you could both be switchy and take turns, since you do enjoy being dominant in the bedroom sometimes.

But since you say you have brought it up and he doesn't make any direct moves in that direction, you are going to have to have a sit down talk probably...actually probably several talks.

It is hard to ask someone to pull on a whole new thing like "be more dominant"..and it will be hard for him to do it. But it is possible if he wants to be open.

It sounds like so far you have not made it clear enough to him. You will need to be much more assertive.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

It's all about baby steps...he's not just going to able to jump in that role. Give him some very clear examples. Don't expect him to do them every time. Try to reach a compromise. Maybe tell his, when he his off work on the weekends, maybe he's more rested is when you would like such and such.

I am in a similar situation as my drive is higher than DH. He works killer hours though and I know he is drained. I had to learn to be very direct with what I like and to be patient with him. Oh..and not take things personal.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Is he able to switch? Or is he pure submissive?


He is pure submissive.


Yeah, when we talk I tell him to not be afraid to be a little more rough, take control, and he just kind of nods. I tell him how much it would turn me on, and he just kind of says "Alright, sounds like fun." lol

Even in the bedroom, I've done some things that gave him opportunities to take the lead, and be dominant, and he didn't. 

Maybe for me, this is a phase? Something I will get over? I'm not sure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Has he always been this way or is it something new?

If it's something new, ask why. If it's standard/his nature, then surely you thought about this before you married him, right? That you could live with it and liked it?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Has he always been this way or is it something new?
> 
> If it's something new, ask why. If it's standard/his nature, then surely you thought about this before you married him, right? That you could live with it and liked it?


Well I feel this is new for both of us I guess. Our sex life was always "standard" I guess, up until a few years ago. That's when I become more sexual. I bought some toys, and those were a nice addition. However, when we do use them it's usually only when we have the house to ourself, or if it's very heated. If it's on a regular night, I talk about bringing them out, and he says no.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> He is pure submissive.
> 
> 
> Yeah, when we talk I tell him to not be afraid to be a little more rough, take control, and he just kind of nods. I tell him how much it would turn me on, and he just kind of says "Alright, sounds like fun." lol
> ...



Well, I am not qualified to give any kind of definitive statement on this. Whatever I say is just my opinion. I hope FW will continue to chime in. 

It sounds like you are changing, and this is something you really want. But your base nature is switch, right? So maybe the strong desire for dominance will eventually fade.

What worries me is he is not even a switch. He is a pure submissive. I am a pure submissive (female), and I cannot imagine being a dominatrice, even for a minute. If I were forced to, I don't think I would know what to do. I would just feel totally weird. It would just not be a fit for me at all.

So when I put myself in your husband's shoes, I am pretty sympathetic.

Can you live with him as a permanent submissive? Do you have kids? How important is this to you overall?

I could not have married a man I was not compatible with in this area. I just don't think I would have been attracted, and for me, the necessary bonding would not have happened.

But you are a switch, and so I think there would be more flexibility. And FW seems hopeful, if you and your dh communicate a lot about it. I hope FW comes back and gives you specific things to say to him.

Also, OP, what is your gut feeling about this? Are you disappointed, but you can live with it? Or are you wondering if this may become a dealbreaker?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lisad45 said:


> He is pure submissive.
> 
> 
> Yeah, when we talk I tell him to not be afraid to be a little more rough, take control, and he just kind of nods. I tell him how much it would turn me on, and he just kind of says "Alright, sounds like fun." lol
> ...


What about a more direct way? Like "tonight I want you to _____" and tell him an exact thing you want him to do. If he's never done anything like this before he might just not know where to start or exactly what you want.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, I am not qualified to give any kind of definitive statement on this. Whatever I say is just my opinion. I hope FW will continue to chime in.
> 
> It sounds like you are changing, and this is something you really want. But your base nature is switch, right? So maybe the strong desire for dominance will eventually fade.
> 
> ...


I believe this is something that I can live with. We have 3 kids, and a divorce for this is something I wouldn't think of. I guess it's something I'll have to live with. I will try to bring it up to him more, and be more specific, but who knows. I don't think this would be a deal breaker though. I do have toys, and a great imagination. lol


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I would continue to bring it up every once and awhile, letting him know it is something you want and like. If he has the knowledge and is of the mind to really please you, maybe he'll surprise you now and again. If it's not a deal breaker and you can live without it, rocking the boat until you unseat his confidence or start him down the path to resentment is probably not worth it. 

Is there some erotica--written or visual--that you could look at together that might give him some more concrete idea of what you'd like? He might just be at a loss as to how to even get the ball rolling, particularly if it's not his nature. 

Good luck!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Maybe I should have married a woman more like you...

My wife and I are a bit mismatched in that we are both dominants. She very much prefers a submissive man, as long as he doesn't have submissive style mannerisms.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> I believe this is something that I can live with. We have 3 kids, and a divorce for this is something I wouldn't think of. I guess it's something I'll have to live with. I will try to bring it up to him more, and be more specific, but who knows. I don't think this would be a deal breaker though. I do have toys, and a great imagination. lol


Getting It does have a point about his wanting to please you, that maybe he could give you a fix once in a while.

I don't think that would work with me, though. We all have our limits, I think.

It's a lot easier when you have kids to be able to stay together. It sounds like this is something you would like, but you don't need. That should make it easier.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Maybe buy some toys for domination, not sure what your looking for but it would light my fire if my wife wanted this. I have tried to be more dominant too,,,,rare but its smoking hot to me


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

i don't know why, but this "just kidding 10 years later" thing from wives really bothers me. Maybe because i sorta feel like I'm living it.

Unless he is not growing as a person(there is a healthy level needed), these radical changes that people ask thier spouses to do are often unfair. It seems to be a common theme, where you love the spouse you marry, but as people go on, they decide they want something different after investing time, love, money, etc into a relationship. 

All people (myself included) should either not get married, or wait until they are 40-45 to get married as they may know what they want by then. It would just be way easier.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

If I could tell any wife one thing. Telling your husband anything "subtly". Will never work! Guys do not get it! Hitting them upside the head with a 2x4 then telling them might get there attention, after the third time. Your husband may not be able to change, but you will never know until you get his attention, then TELL him what you want/need.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Many people change as they age Boston. 

Anyway, I suppose it would be hard to change a person who was meek in all aspects of their life. 

I am not clear if this applies to your husband lisad45 or rather you are just referring to sex.

Even if he really is very meek, it sounds like you have some fairly good level of communication and a currently positive sex life. 

He may just have very low confidence in what he is supposed to do. Maybe he feels doing those things would make him feel foolish and fake. 

My suggestion would be like others baby steps but very specific ones. Like: You go sit on the couch and he comes in to the room and tells you to take your cloths off because he wants to take you. 

or whatever -that is just an example.

Make it like it is a play. Maybe he does that scene a couple of times until he gets comfortable with his role and then you move on to the next. Make sure you are giving him positive messages.

If he is submissive than it seems to me he will follow your instructions because it is actually you who are controlling the situation. But maybe he will be able to learn how to play that part with some confidence after he has practiced some.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> If I could tell any wife one thing. Telling your husband anything "subtly". Will never work! Guys do not get it! Hitting them upside the head with a 2x4 then telling them might get there attention, after the third time. Your husband may not be able to change, but you will never know until you get his attention, then TELL him what you want/need.


Lol, Hoosier. My dh just said this is all true!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

What is a submissive man?

I've heard of FLR's and all that entails, is that it?

We sometimes play a bit with her queening me or doing cowgirl, but even then I tend to say stuff that I can't really repeat here to encourage her to grind on me.

How do you do submissive stuff?


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I need to be 'queened' in the worst way. Wife is too shy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I have no idea what this even means in terms is sex. Submissive man? Dominant man? Haven't a clue.

What is queened?


_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I have no idea what this even means in terms is sex. Submissive man? Dominant man? Haven't a clue.
> 
> What is queened?
> 
> ...


Face sitting.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > I have no idea what this even means in terms is sex. Submissive man? Dominant man? Haven't a clue.
> ...


Lol, ok. Sex is such a vague memory for me I might as well ask ... what is sex?  Oh well.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> i don't know why, but this "just kidding 10 years later" thing from wives really bothers me. Maybe because i sorta feel like I'm living it.
> 
> Unless he is not growing as a person(there is a healthy level needed), these radical changes that people ask thier spouses to do are often unfair. It seems to be a common theme, where you love the spouse you marry, but as people go on, they decide they want something different after investing time, love, money, etc into a relationship.
> 
> All people (myself included) should either not get married, or wait until they are 40-45 to get married as they may know what they want by then. It would just be way easier.


But Boston, the fact is that people do change. Married or not, we change in response to changed circumstances, to enhanced education and experience, and to plain old wisdom and maturity. In a good marriage, these changes should be able to be shared with a spouse honestly and openly. The problem arises when, for one reason on another, we feel like we can't be honest with our spouses about our true feelings, our evolving feelings, and our changed feelings. Or, as you call it, our "growth." 

And when that happens, you just end up with changed behavior from a spouse with no satisfactory explanation given. Would it be better that the OP just stuff her feelings instead of expressing her new and changing needs to her husband, and seeing if he's willing to accommodate?

Wouldn't YOU appreciate knowing what has changed for YOUR wife? The questions isn't whether or not she gave you a "just kidding 10 years later." The question is: Did she know herself better 10 years ago, or does she know herself better now? 

We all figure ourselves out as we age, we all come to know ourselves better and to want to not have to pretend or deny our true selves. In good marriages, we trust our spouses enough to share that with them. If your spouse cannot open up to you, could it be because he/she senses you'd feel betrayed instead of gratified? 

Just some thoughts . . .


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Lol, ok. Sex is such a vague memory for me I might as well ask ... what is sex?  Oh well.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


If you're really into this stuff you can even buy queening chairs.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

It's definitely something I'm going to bring up again, but I think I will have to accept the fact that he can't change, and I think I'll be fine with it. When we do get heated, and I become dominant, I do enjoy it, so it's not terrible. lol


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisad45 said:


> It's definitely something I'm going to bring up again, but I think I will have to accept the fact that he can't change, and I think I'll be fine with it. When we do get heated, and I become dominant, I do enjoy it, so it's not terrible. lol


I'm sorry to be a downer like I've been, lisad, but I think it's better for us to be honest when we post. 

I just don't think people's sexuality changes. You are more into sub mode right now, but because you are a switch, you can also move happily back into dominant mode. You have a flexibility not everyone has.

I am glad you can surmise a happy resolution here. Best of luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I have no idea what this even means in terms is sex. Submissive man? Dominant man? Haven't a clue.
> 
> What is queened?
> 
> ...



Submissive in general can be a person who does not take the lead, waits for direction, avoids conflict, pouts when they do not get what they want instead of saying something, etc.. 

In sex it can also be not being rough enough to make it feel passionate. Women naturally like to be taken. They generally do not much like mutually agreeable lying togetherness.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I'm sorry to be a downer like I've been, lisad, but I think it's better for us to be honest when we post.
> 
> I just don't think people's sexuality changes. You are more into sub mode right now, but because you are a switch, you can also move happily back into dominant mode. You have a flexibility not everyone has.
> 
> I am glad you can surmise a happy resolution here. Best of luck.


No need to apologize!

I'd like to sit here, and say I'm happy I am a switch too. However, I think more about being dominated, than doing the dominating. What it comes down to me now is, amazing sex is amazing sex. We've been having great sex for as long as we've been married. When we introduced toys, it definitely took it over the edge. To be honest, we don't use the toys as much as I'd like either.

At the end of the day, we still have a active and good sex life. That's more than a lot of couple I know can say, so I'm happy. lol


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

lisad45 said:


> No need to apologize!
> 
> I'd like to sit here, and say I'm happy I am a switch too. However, I think more about being dominated, than doing the dominating. What it comes down to me now is, amazing sex is amazing sex. We've been having great sex for as long as we've been married. When we introduced toys, it definitely took it over the edge. To be honest, we don't use the toys as much as I'd like either.
> 
> At the end of the day, we still have a active and good sex life. That's more than a lot of couple I know can say, so I'm happy. lol


Looking at some of your posts, are you sure you are happy? Not trying to offend you at all, and Im sure anyone can go though anyone elses posts on here and eventually link them to location of Jimmy Hoffas body. However, Ive picked up on 3 things. You seem like your attractive, you work out, you not only enjoy men looking at you but have commented about your sons friends looking at you. You have a story about one of them looking through your underwear which I just find weird on so many levels (both sides of the story), and now your husband is too submissive and you want to be dominated more. Again, i know its a stretch and I'm really not trying to call you out, but are you sure you aren't opening up for something on the side? If that's even a subconscious thought, you need to start talking to hubby and the areas you need changed in your life.


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> Looking at some of your posts, are you sure you are happy? Not trying to offend you at all, and Im sure anyone can go though anyone elses posts on here and eventually link them to location of Jimmy Hoffas body. However, Ive picked up on 3 things. You seem like your attractive, you work out, you not only enjoy men looking at you but have commented about your sons friends looking at you. You have a story about one of them looking through your underwear which I just find weird on so many levels (both sides of the story), and now your husband is too submissive and you want to be dominated more. Again, i know its a stretch and I'm really not trying to call you out, but are you sure you aren't opening up for something on the side? If that's even a subconscious thought, you need to start talking to hubby and the areas you need changed in your life.



I would say 2 out of the 3 things you've noticed, a lot of woman experience. I noticed quite a few woman who responded that they enjoyed attention, so I don't think anything is wrong with that. The snooping through my drawer is absolutely weird. I have nothing more to say on it. And yes, I do wish my husband was more dominant, but the whole dominant/submissive thing is not a deal breaker for me by any means. I would say our sex life is better than most anyway. Nobody has a perfect marriage lol


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

lisad45 said:


> I would say 2 out of the 3 things you've noticed, a lot of woman experience. I noticed quite a few woman who responded that they enjoyed attention, so I don't think anything is wrong with that. The snooping through my drawer is absolutely weird. I have nothing more to say on it. And yes, I do wish my husband was more dominant, but the whole dominant/submissive thing is not a deal breaker for me by any means. I would say our sex life is better than most anyway. Nobody has a perfect marriage lol


Cool. just callin it like I see it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ok... im going to comment on my experiences as a man who has gone from full submissive to full dominant.

its scary as hell. at first. the truth is, i had absolutely no idea how to be dominant. when i started the journey, i had absolutely no idea how to do it. i still believe that if it were not for my experiences in the Army, i would still be struggling terribly with it. but, i changed. i didnt just change how i act, i changed the way i think. changing the way i think has changed the way i FEEL.

when my wife first introduced this idea to me, i had absolutely no idea how to implement it. it still gets to me from time to time, the feeling that i might fail, but i have developed an attitude of "so what. ill figure it out, NOT going to quit now." 

i needed a LOT of examples to figure out what my wife wanted from me. i would ask her to show me something she found hot, an example of something she likes. she would show me a porn clip, i would make an assumption of what it was she wanted, and i was usually wrong at first. conversations were often like this:

me: "oh, so you want me to grab you aggressively and act kinda like an animal?"

her: "sort of, but not really. i want you to take control."

she would show me something else. convo contintues.

me: "so you want me to yell at you and smack you around a little?"

her: "no, i want you to take control."

eventually i figured it out. she wants me to tell her exactly what i want in bed, exactly how i want her to please me. correcting her in bed was not an affront to her performance, it was ASSERTING MY DOMINANCE!

yep, took me a while to figure out exactly what she wanted from me. it was hard on my ego sometimes, to feel like i suck at fulfilling my wife sexually. it took a lot of courage to step outside of my comfort zone. it took a lot of understanding and patience from her.

but i made it. i dont think i would ever want to go back. i know that i can. i know now that i can completely change my personality, even the things that turn me on. but i dont want to. im happier now and so is she. i love leading her.


so yea, your husband can change, but it will never happen unless he has an intense desire to fulfill your needs. he will need a lot of help figuring out how to make that transition. you are actually in the best position to help him with that. if it is important to you, dont give up. 

the thing that got me to really want this was the way my wife talked about how incredibly HOT she found it. what she was describing to me was something leagues beyond and far more exciting than anything i had ever experienced. 

i thought, if i can make that change, i can give that to her. why the hell would i NOT want that?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> ok... im going to comment on my experiences as a man who has gone from full submissive to full dominant.
> 
> its scary as hell. at first. the truth is, i had absolutely no idea how to be dominant. when i started the journey, i had absolutely no idea how to do it. i still believe that if it were not for my experiences in the Army, i would still be struggling terribly with it. but, i changed. i didnt just change how i act, i changed the way i think. changing the way i think has changed the way i FEEL.
> 
> ...


I went through a very similar thing. In the end, and at the risk of sounding crude, chicks want to get fu*#@d. Not all the time maybe. But for the most part, for lack of a better word, they want to be used by their husband. Thrown down on the bed and absolutely taken. No ***** footing. no talking (unless its dirty or direction). They want you to grab them and take them the exact way your want them. 

Its funny just how familiar your story is. I had/have the same fears of inadequacy. When I do take her, am I going to be enough. Will I last long enough, am i "hot" enough (whatever cluster **** formula women use for determining that  ) Is it going to be all that she wanted it to be.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> I went through a very similar thing. In the end, and at the risk of sounding crude, chicks want to get fu*#@d. Not all the time maybe. But for the most part, for lack of a better word, they want to be used by their husband. Thrown down on the bed and absolutely taken. No ***** footing. no talking (unless its dirty or direction). They want you to grab them and take them the exact way your want them.
> 
> Its funny just how familiar your story is. I had/have the same fears of inadequacy. When I do take her, am I going to be enough. Will I last long enough, am i "hot" enough (whatever cluster **** formula women use for determining that  ) Is it going to be all that she wanted it to be.



Both men and women can prefer a sexually aggressive partner that is not unusual. It is just that it is normally the guys role. Some women actually do not like it. Some prefer to be dominant. Some like it very tame. 

"chicks want to get fu*#@d."

Some would consider this an insult. 

Everyone is different and it is usually not good to lump all men or all women together.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> Both men and women can prefer a sexually aggressive partner that is not unusual. It is just that it is normally the guys role. Some women actually do not like it. Some prefer to be dominant. Some like it very tame.
> 
> "chicks want to get fu*#@d."
> 
> ...


alright sensitive, "hasty generalization" guy. I take it back. Not every woman on the planet likes to get fu#($d. Thats just my experience. I mean, Shades of Gray was a flop.....errrrrrr


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> alright sensitive, "hasty generalization" guy. I take it back. Not every woman on the planet likes to get fu#($d. Thats just my experience. I mean, Shades of Gray was a flop.....errrrrrr


All don't but many do!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> ok... im going to comment on my experiences as a man who has gone from full submissive to full dominant.
> 
> its scary as hell. at first. the truth is, i had absolutely no idea how to be dominant. when i started the journey, i had absolutely no idea how to do it. i still believe that if it were not for my experiences in the Army, i would still be struggling terribly with it. but, i changed. i didnt just change how i act, i changed the way i think. changing the way i think has changed the way i FEEL.
> 
> ...


Makes your c0ck get HARDER doesn't it?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> alright sensitive, "hasty generalization" guy. I take it back. Not every woman on the planet likes to get fu#($d. Thats just my experience. I mean, Shades of Gray was a flop.....errrrrrr


You hit the nail right on the head, in my situation anyway. Although, I never did read that novel.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

While I am more the dominate one...sometimes I wish my wife would throw me up against the wall and "own me"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm an introvert, but have learned that sometimes I have to go outside my natural tendencies to get what I want. Being submissive sounds like a tendency - he can work on it if he cares about you and knows its important to you.

Also remember that men are taught from BIRTH to be Gentle with women. Takes a while for some of us to retrain our brain and push boundaries.

I'd say buy him a paddle - get yourself a school girl outfit - and tell him you need a good spanking! Even without the outfit it can be good training to show he can be physical and it will be more of a turn on and not painful.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> ok... im going to comment on my experiences as a man who has gone from full submissive to full dominant.
> 
> its scary as hell. at first. the truth is, i had absolutely no idea how to be dominant. when i started the journey, i had absolutely no idea how to do it. i still believe that if it were not for my experiences in the Army, i would still be struggling terribly with it. but, i changed. i didnt just change how i act, i changed the way i think. changing the way i think has changed the way i FEEL.
> 
> ...



Wow, what a great success story! Great Job and happy wife!!:allhail::allhail:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> I went through a very similar thing. In the end, and at the risk of sounding crude, chicks want to get fu*#@d. Not all the time maybe. But for the most part, for lack of a better word, they want to be used by their husband. Thrown down on the bed and absolutely taken. No ***** footing. no talking (unless its dirty or direction). They want you to grab them and take them the exact way your want them.
> 
> Its funny just how familiar your story is. I had/have the same fears of inadequacy. When I do take her, am I going to be enough. Will I last long enough, am i "hot" enough (whatever cluster **** formula women use for determining that  ) Is it going to be all that she wanted it to be.


:iagree::iagree:

You are very wise....it is hard to explain as a woman ...I will try..... We want to feel that HOT DESIRE from a man, especially OUR MAN...we want to be lusted over, we like you guys to stare at us...we love to be checked out..it reaffirms our female sexuality...we love the sexual dance...healthy females love the bigger more sexual male pursuing them....As married people we all have to remember those very primal and innate urges that lead us back to our spouse!!:toast:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

over20 said:


> Wow, what a great success story! Great Job and happy wife!!:allhail::allhail:


to be honest, i didnt think of it as anything special. my experiences have led me to believe that i can be whoever i want to be, think however i want to think, and eventually feel however i want to feel.

i used to be so incredibly antisocial that i would disappear into a swamp for months, by myself. i ate things that would make most people puke... because i had too if i didnt want to come out. 

i learned something. if i imagine myself as a raccoon, i can eat a grub or some other insect without problem. just chew and swallow. its a mental distortion, but it works. i imagine myself as an animal, and the thought that what i am eating is disgusting never even crosses my mind. i just keep up the mental act until i have eaten whatever food i have available to me. after a while, it felt natural. it felt _right_.

if i can do that, i can do anything. 

our minds are powerful. we can change the way we think, the way we feel, our whole personalities. it takes a lot of work, but its completely possible. all you have to do is figure out a way and do it. its like the term i hear in the army when soldiers have to do something they really don't want to do:

"lets f%^k this goat and get it done!." 

the goal is whats important. if you focus on it, you will find a way.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

over20 said:


> ....as a woman .... We want to feel that HOT DESIRE from a man, especially OUR MAN...we want to be lusted over, we like you guys to stare at us...we love to be checked out..it reaffirms our female sexuality...we love the sexual dance...


This is all true for guys also. In fact it is one of the most common complaints here. Even when regular sex is occurring lack of initiating and enthusiasm from a woman can be a real problem. 

We want to feel that HOT DESIRE from a woman, especially OUR WOMAN...we want to be lusted over, we like you women to stare at us...we love to be checked out..it reaffirms our male sexuality...we love the sexual dance...

I would have to imagine that some guys would even fall into the category of having responsive desire and are not naturally good initiators.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is interesting that you say that, us. I assumed men knew that their wives desired them.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

jld said:


> That is interesting that you say that, us. I assumed men knew that their wives desired them.


I am pretty sure your man knows that you desire him :smthumbup:

But for Cletus as an example. He is clearly intelligent, thoughtful sensitive to his partner, etc.. His wife enjoys sex once a week. 

He knows his wife loves him and desires to have sex with him. 

...but he is still missing that feeling.

Boston also (and me also to a lesser extent) and see NewHubs post above.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> We want to feel that HOT DESIRE from a woman, especially OUR WOMAN...we want to be lusted over, we like you women to stare at us...we love to be checked out..it reaffirms our male sexuality...we love the sexual dance...


Yes I feel hot desire from my wife and vice versa. However I do not walk around thinking I am checked out by women in general, like I do not think to be checked out by a gay guy, even if they may both think that way.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

my dw never initiates, never has and its taking its toll on me


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rush said:


> my dw never initiates, never has and its taking its toll on me


Is it that she never initiates, or that you do not feel desired?

I probably rarely initiate, or that is how it seems to me, but that does not mean I do not feel great desire. Dh does not seem to expect me to initiate, either. I do not think he has ever said one word about it.

How is it taking its toll on you?


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

jld said:


> Is it that she never initiates, or that you do not feel desired?
> 
> I probably rarely initiate, or that is how it seems to me, but that does not mean I do not feel great desire. Dh does not seem to expect me to initiate, either. I do not think he has ever said one word about it.
> 
> How is it taking its toll on you?


She never initiates, which makes me feel like she has no desire for me, I do not know if some women expect to be begged to for sex or what? Or beat with a club and drug into cave? With no feeling for desire I feel no love at times, after years of this it makes me feel unloved. Like I am just a paycheck, or guy who takes out trash...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

jld said:


> I probably rarely initiate, or that is how it seems to me, but that does not mean I do not feel great desire. Dh does not seem to expect me to initiate, either. I do not think he has ever said one word about it.


It seems like you and mr jld have good communication and even is you are not exactly initiating you are probably verbally expressing desire for him at some point. 

A lot of women act totally indifferent to sex or worse -like they would rather be playing a computer game, reading a book, etc.. 

It is such a turn on when it is time for our regularly scheduled sex and my wife just wants to finish the chapter before we start. 


If I show some enthusiasm for the event and want to get her into the bedroom she will act like she is being punished and say something like "I'm sorry, can I just finish reading this chapter"

I do not mind initiating every time so I do not think that it is so much who initiates (to most men) I think it is mostly in the woman's response. 

I think even if we are not naturally all that dominant I think most guys would be happy to change their behavior if it would make their sex life better.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rush said:


> She never initiates, which makes me feel like she has no desire for me, I do not know if some women expect to be begged to for sex or what? Or beat with a club and drug into cave? With no feeling for desire I feel no love at times, after years of this it makes me feel unloved. Like I am just a paycheck, or guy who takes out trash...


Is that why some men want women to initiate? I have heard men complain about that here, but I did not understand why.

Basically, dh just reaches out for me, and we go from there. And it is not to say that I do not initiate, too, but he does it most of the time. And, honestly, it is not like we are keeping tabs.

But you are questioning your wife's desire for you, and you must have reason for that. Have you had a sit down, open and honest talk with her? Just put everything on the table and really share your heart, and listen to hers, talk? I think that is really the next step.

Rush, do you feel like you are lacking in confidence? 

If you are, the best thing you can do is to just accept yourself the way you are, just value yourself even if your wife does not. That is where confidence originates.

Have you read NMMNG? The author talks about having your own identity apart from your wife. You just need that as a human being. We all come into this world alone, and we die alone. We have to be able to function alone.

Do you feel like you might be struggling in this area?


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

jld said:


> Is that why some men want women to initiate? I have heard men complain about that here, but I did not understand why.
> 
> Basically, dh just reaches out for me, and we go from there. And it is not to say that I do not initiate, too, but he does it most of the time. And, honestly, it is not like we are keeping tabs.
> 
> ...


Yes we have talked many times, she says she has no sex drive, and other worse things like she gets nothing out of sex with me, yes that hurt. I have ed and problems. I am going to try something here as a last option. I feel unsexy, unattractive, what can one expect hearing that


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> It seems like you and mr jld have good communication and even is you are not exactly initiating you are probably verbally expressing desire for him at some point. Yeah, if you have read my threads, I am pretty into him. Falling at his feet and eating out of his hand is more like it . . . So he is definitely not questioning my desire . . .
> 
> A lot of women act totally indifferent to sex or worse -like they would rather be playing a computer game, reading a book, etc.. Why do you think this is?
> 
> ...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes, I have talked with her and she has changed slowly.
Last few years though I only try to make changes through positive reinforcement. 

"I'm sorry, can I just finish reading this chapter" 
I guess that her showing consideration is a positive way to look at it but when she says it like she was being punished and told to go to her room it is a real bummer.

So I just try to encourage her and accept that she is not all that sexual. The problem with talking is that if I suggested that she shows some enthusiasm for sex time she would only view it as a failure on her part and instead of actually trying to "act" more interested she would resent me for asking her to act more interested.

No good can come of that. 

It kind of comes down to the same as Miss Scarlet's thread: need-suggestions-how-build-husbands-sexual-confidence

I view it as being to different conditions:
A. There is a major problem and so you have to talk and work something out
B. You would just like your spouse to be a little better in bed 

I was at A a few years ago and now I am at B


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rush said:


> Yes we have talked many times, she says she has no sex drive, and other worse things like she gets nothing out of sex with me, yes that hurt. I have ed and problems. I am going to try something here as a last option. I feel unsexy, unattractive, what can one expect hearing that


Rush, don't let your wife determine how you feel about yourself. Do you know how many times my husband has told me that I don't know what I want? I know I exasperate him. 

He doesn't worry about it, though. He just soldiers on, doing what he thinks is the right thing to do, unless I can convince him otherwise.

Have some confidence, rush. ED can be cured by a low-fat vegan diet, based on starches with the addition of fruits and vegetables -- a cheap, simple alternative to pills. The McDougall Newsletter - Favorite Five Articles from Recent Medical Journals

And don't forget that you live in a country that allows divorce. Get yourself together and start becoming a person you like. Think about your own interests. Lose weight. Exercise. Pursue your hobbies. If your wife still is not interested, tell her you are going to enjoy your life, without her if necessary. 

Get some boundaries together, rush.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Yes, I have talked with her and she has changed slowly. Set some boundaries and enforce them and she will change much faster.
> Last few years though I only try to make changes through positive reinforcement.
> The carrot is part of it, and the stick is another.
> "I'm sorry, can I just finish reading this chapter"
> ...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Submissive is rarely a problem. I would be happy with a wive who took responsibility for decisions, assuming she had both our best interests at heart. I would also be haappy with a wife who follows my lead.

Where it gets difficult is when one spouse leaves the responsibility for leadership to the other, but does not follow. In the case of complaining about a submissive husband, it is that she has to take initiative to please him on his terms.



jld said:


> Is that why some men want women to initiate? I have heard men complain about that here, but I did not understand why.
> 
> Basically, dh just reaches out for me, and we go from there. And it is not to say that I do not initiate, too, but he does it most of the time. And, honestly, it is not like we are keeping tabs.....


The issue is more when you get a 90%+ rejection rate and then the wife wonders why you will not keep asking and starts to feel offended that you are not in the meed as often. If you want the man to take the lead, you have to be prepared to follow.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> Submissive is rarely a problem. I would be happy with a wive who took responsibility for decisions, assuming she had both our best interests at heart That sounds like so much work. So unappealing. I think a woman has to be wired that way for it to work, and for her to be happy.. I would also be haappy with a wife who follows my lead. Do you lead?
> 
> Where it gets difficult is when one spouse leaves the responsibility for leadership to the other, but does not follow. Yeah, I am sure that is true. The couple has to be united. In the case of complaining about a submissive husband, it is that she has to take initiative to please him on his terms. I don't get this. Could you explain?
> 
> ...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jld said:


> That sounds like so much work. So unappealing. I think a woman has to be wired that way for it to work, and for her to be happy.. Do you lead?


I think it has ended up with me taking the lead in most things. However, I think my wife sees very firm limits on what she can do. Therefore, for her to do most of the housework, I do very little and accept the place will be mucky. 
If I accept full responsibility for the state of the house, this is stressful, if I do not accept full responsibility, then it is not so bad.

She does not contribute to the finances, but that does mean I have control over them (more so than I would like). I would still rather she worked.

It is extra work if you accept responsibility. One thing I am learning is that something being left to me is not the same as it being my responsbilility.



jld said:


> Yeah, I am sure that is true. The couple has to be united. ..... I don't get this. Could you explain?


Sorry, I was very unclear. Normally, when one partner is very submissive, they are expecting their partner to come along and do exactly what the first one wants. It comes back to the rule that you can ask someone to do a job, or tell them how to do it, but not both. If you want someone to lead and give their vision, you have to accept you will have to compromise your own vision rather than whining. You should also be willing to build up your partner's confidence to the point where they can do this. Being submissive also gives up responsibility, rather than just being a kindness.



jld said:


> Yeah, I don't get all this rejection. I have occasionally said no, but it is rare. I love dh and want to be close to him. And I think it is my responsibility to satisfy him, too.


I think many would see an obligation to satisfy as something akin to rape.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I think it has ended up with me taking the lead in most things. However, I think my wife sees very firm limits on what she can do. Therefore, for her to do most of the housework, I do very little and accept the place will be mucky.
> If I accept full responsibility for the state of the house, this is stressful, if I do not accept full responsibility, then it is not so bad.
> 
> She does not contribute to the finances, but that does mean I have control over them (more so than I would like). I would still rather she worked. My dh is not like this at all. He makes a good salary, but even when it was less, we just lived on less. He definitely sees it as his job to provide for us.
> ...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

We already set boundaries. Anything else is just icing on the cake. 

I do not think expecting my wife to not be herself would be anymore reasonable that mr. jld expecting you to not be yourself. 

The thing is that her not showing much enthusiasm is pretty minor and I copped with it by modifying my own behavior instead of trying to modify hers. 

And to her credit she has been showing a bit more enthusiasm for the past few years. 

I guess it comes down to what is a reasonable expectation over what I already knew her to be like before we married. While I would like her to be more engaged that is just not her. She is more like a raft than a speed boat. No rudder, no motor, not aerodynamic, only one ore, but when you are in the middle of the ocean you are glad you have it. Simple, functional, dependable and it can save your life.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

"Being submissive also gives up responsibility, rather than just being a kindness." 
Being submissive can be a kindness if it is what the other person wants. If they want the opposite, then it is not a kindness. Taking on a role to satisfy the other person is self-scarficing and taking on a role that does not satisfy the other is the more selfish role. What that role is does not matter. However, it can be difficult to take a role than one is not confident in. 

I bed I will generally be dominant, but basically that is what most women prefer. If they would prefer to tie me down and do untold things, very well, as long as it does not go across any bounderies.

I think many would see an obligation to satisfy as something akin to rape. 
-Not even close, friend. Not even close.
--I entirely agree.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

us, if you are happy, all is good. I was just trying to give you ideas to maybe make you two happier. My opinion is just that of an anonymous internet poster, and really may not add any value to your situation.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I suppose I am always interested in how I can improve my sex life.

I have been doing that recently by just steadily trying to change it up a bit.

For example with quite a few women seeming to like some form of the "being taken" fantasy I thought I might hold her wrists during PiV some and hold her head more and gently pull on her hair a bit during oral. The head and hair stuff seemed to distract her but she did seem to like or at least not mind the wrist holding.

Other parts I am conflicted about. 
Is a BJ to be expected or is that a bonus? If I can live without one does that mean that I do not really need one? Even if she will give me one if I ask is it fair for me to ask when I know she does not really like to? 

If she where wanting oral herself but refused me that would be different but she has no special requests. So nothing really to bargain with and it is not something I need so bad that I have been tempted to divorce. 

(But I did tell her several years ago that I at least would like some oral during foreplay and she has made great improvements there.) 

Unfortunately I just do not think she is submissive. So while she might do many things I would ask her to do -being told to do them would not make her like them.

Once a spouse has complied with the "deal breakers" -one does not have much leverage to get them to change other than positive reinforcement.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jld said:


> us, if you are happy, all is good. I was just trying to give you ideas to maybe make you two happier. My opinion is just that of an anonymous internet poster, and really may not add any value to your situation.


Thanks! I had not realized where you were coming from. The sex life is getting better, but still work in progress. I have to take all initiative in that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I suppose I am always interested in how I can improve my sex life.
> 
> I have been doing that recently by just steadily trying to change it up a bit.
> 
> ...


I am not sure if you are really asking me or not, and I am kind of embarrassed to respond, but I will tell you a few things.

I did not do BJs much until the last six months or so, when I started reading marriage forums. Dh never insisted on them, though I knew he liked them. Once I started reading, though, I got how much husbands like them, and thought I better try harder. Now it is a no-brainer, and he gets them whenever he wants, and I also offer.

We can get used to lots of things when there is a higher purpose, i.e., pleasing our partner.

It is better if a person is internally motivated. My dh is pretty darn nice to me. I complain that I don't get enough attention, but I have been told by many, many women how lucky I am to have the dh I do. So I am motivated to keep him happy.

I would encourage you to communicate deeply with your wife, really understand her, and try to do things she likes, when you can, without sacrificing higher principles. When a woman feels loved and valued, she usually wants you to feel loved and valued, too. Good luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

jld said:


> I would encourage you to communicate deeply with your wife, really understand her, and try to do things she likes, when you can, without sacrificing higher principles. When a woman feels loved and valued, she usually wants you to feel loved and valued, too. Good luck.


Thanks jld, 
Sorry if I made you feel embarrassed. Yes I was seeking your opinion. 

I agree, although my wife is not quite so big on communication. 

Definitely working on the positive reinforcements though to make her feel loved and valued. And I think you are right and she does continue to improve. 

That is probably why I haven't started my own thread. I do not feel like I have a real problem that needs to be fixed I would just prefer a bit of a more active and interesting sex life.

To be fair she will give me oral to completion as long as I am willing to do that instead of the main event PiV. I usually do not ask because I hate to give up something we both can enjoy just so I can get a BJ since it is a once a week deal.

I guess I will have to man up and find out if her BJ policy has changed in the past few years.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would really encourage you to be as transparent as possible with her, and obviously, to be as loving and kind as possible. With these, I do not think you can go wrong.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes, -part of the reason I like this forum. It makes me see that I do not have it so bad.


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