# Wife might be bi or gay...need advice!!



## Iowa (Aug 21, 2011)

I need outside opinions on this....
I have been married for over 15 years. We were adventurous in the beginning. Before we were married and for spotty periods of time in our marriage, we have had great sex. Until we began using vibrators for her, it was dead. Now we have sex often, have two kids and she is totally content. Problem is, there is no sexual intimacy. No kissing during sex and I feel like an extension to her vibrator. Her favorite position is one that allows her to use her toy freely. I began to feel lonely a few years ago, brought the issue up to her many times and have been seeing a marriage counselor for 7 months. Here is the info for which I would like feedback.....
While discussing pillow talk, she admitted to being turned on by women. I felt it was normal. I asked her how often she had to think about women to climax while masturbating and she said more than 50 percent. 
She says she loves me and when I complain about lack of everyday affection, she begins to offer small gestures. Kiss as I walk by, pat on the butt, etc. Rarely leads to sex. When we do have sex, she will initiate by asking if I want to get busy. No foreplay. At one time I offered to allow her to open up our marriage so she could test the waters with a female to see if it is truly who she is. She said she knows she is attracted to me but yet has attraction to women and is open to the opportunity if it arises but acts like it isn't much of a priority.
One time while we were discussing marital problems, she told me she had an issue but it wasn't something to discuss without a marriage counselor being present. It is strange that she picked a counselor that advertised expertise in sexuality issues such as gay and lesbian. She told me that if she told me what her problem was I would leave her. When I finally got her to tell me what it was, she made something up like she thought I was chatting online with other women. I think she wants to admit that her lack of passion is due to her possibly being into women more than men. I would be ok with allowing her the ability to be with a female in exchange for not breaking up our family if that ends up being our issue. Has anyone out there been in my shoes???? I am afraid my wife is willing to live life as hetro just because she comes from strong middle america values and customs.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

Iowa said:


> I need outside opinions on this....
> I have been married for over 15 years. We were adventurous in the beginning. Before we were married and for spotty periods of time in our marriage, we have had great sex. Until we began using vibrators for her, it was dead. Now we have sex often, have two kids and she is totally content. Problem is, there is no sexual intimacy. No kissing during sex and I feel like an extension to her vibrator. Her favorite position is one that allows her to use her toy freely. I began to feel lonely a few years ago, brought the issue up to her many times and have been seeing a marriage counselor for 7 months. Here is the info for which I would like feedback.....
> While discussing pillow talk, she admitted to being turned on by women. I felt it was normal. I asked her how often she had to think about women to climax while masturbating and she said more than 50 percent.
> She says she loves me and when I complain about lack of everyday affection, she begins to offer small gestures. Kiss as I walk by, pat on the butt, etc. Rarely leads to sex. When we do have sex, she will initiate by asking if I want to get busy. No foreplay. At one time I offered to allow her to open up our marriage so she could test the waters with a female to see if it is truly who she is. She said she knows she is attracted to me but yet has attraction to women and is open to the opportunity if it arises but acts like it isn't much of a priority.
> One time while we were discussing marital problems, she told me she had an issue but it wasn't something to discuss without a marriage counselor being present. It is strange that she picked a counselor that advertised expertise in sexuality issues such as gay and lesbian. She told me that if she told me what her problem was I would leave her. When I finally got her to tell me what it was, she made something up like she thought I was chatting online with other women. I think she wants to admit that her lack of passion is due to her possibly being into women more than men. I would be ok with allowing her the ability to be with a female in exchange for not breaking up our family if that ends up being our issue. Has anyone out there been in my shoes???? I am afraid my wife is willing to live life as hetro just because she comes from strong middle america values and customs.


Interesting problem. I have had a similar discussion with my GF who I know is bi. However I (as probably most men) had hopes that this would lead to some interesting experiences for me as well. On the fun side - we could ogle othe women and smile and she could tell me her fantasies of her and another woman pleasing me. BUT, she brought it up some time into the relationship that she wanted to have the experience with a woman without me present and argued that I knew all along that she was bi and had to anticipate the question. I spent a lot of time arguing back and forth with myself and I discussed it with several close friends. In the end I concluded that if she want to do other woman, then I would also do other women (has to be balanced, right?). When I told her, she collapsed and started crying and offered me that I could do men, but not women, which I declined. She accepted my terms and supresses the urges to have sex with women. I did try to make some sort of compromize - saying that it had to be something in it for me to, but she refused as she want to keep the two worlds separate. 

I dont have a solution for you, but at least a scenario similar to yours. Think it trough - what would if feel like if you knew she was seeing another woman before coming home after work? Would it turn you on or would it hurt? Would you be able to watch? Would she share details with you if you request it? Would your M/sexlife improve?

Assume she is bi and 70% into women. For how long will she be able to suppress the feelings? Is this a passing fancy or something deeply rooted in her personality? I would suggest an open discussion without any accusations or critisism, just to map out what the landscape is really like. Find out what it is really like, not how you really would like it to be.

Regards
Nada


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