# don't be alarmed....suicide



## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Please don't be alarmed because I'm asking, but how many people can honestly say they thought about it while going through separation/divorce? Considered it seriously or just a fleeting thought? Surely I'm not unique as the idea is not something that hasn't popped into my head from time to time only to be dismissed. Having the thought and acting upon it are two entirely different things of course. Surely I'm not alone in this.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I have. Just about every night I have to go to bed alone. It's all so new to me. 6 days, 7 nights.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

There were times I didn't want to wake up, everything was bleak and I just wanted a break from feeling like I did. There thought of just going to sleep and not waking was so appealing...

That's as close as I got, never a serious consideration.


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## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

You aren't alone at all. I just went through all of this. Everyone keeps telling you the same things I know "It will get better, time will heal everything,etc." and you feel like you're all alone. But the truth is, you're not. 

Last week I was almost certain that my life was ending and I had no purpose to fulfill and everything just felt wrong. Of course having my daughter around helped that because I wanted to be strong and happy for her. But yes most of us has had this feeling before. I woke every night in a cold sweat from feeling like this.

And the truth is, those people who told you all those sweet things are actually right. Not even a whole week has passed and I'm already feeling better. Just remember to except help your friends and family try to give you and focus on yourself. Its hard, trust me I know it's hard. But it does get better, and it will faster if you want it to be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A lot of people do when going through a break up. They say suicides happen more frequently is a person's going through a divorce. My exH mentioned it to me a few times. I know I thought about it as well. 

Having a relative who DID commit suicide, I would never/could never. The fallout from that is MASSIVE.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I found that I literally have questioned EVERYTHING about my life after this, including the drive to go on. I weighed all my options, and in the worst case scenario, suicide is a neutral benefit option - At that point the known=the unknown and I always tend to err on the side of caution. If I decide I need to make things a little messy to feel I have a purpose I want to be around to experience any possible benefits of that, so you aint getting me that easy reaperman.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think that most people that have gone through a serious breakup have thought of it or have actually done it.

Consider these three things before you even entertain the thought of doing it.

1) Do you really think that the person who dumped you will REALLY care or mourn you loss? If so, for how long? Think again!

2) Do you think the only person you're going to hurt is that person? How about your mother, father, sisters, brothers' other relatives and friends.

3) Even suicides have NO guarantees ... Some people have jumped off bridges, shot themselves, ran in front of train, bussed, trucks, speeding cars and even drove off an embankments ... only to find themselves DISFIGURED or worse yet ...PARALYZED!

Once you're paralyzed, there's nothing more you can do but live the rest of your life in that condition ... and that could be for a VERY LONG TIME! Doesn't that scare you?


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Ive thought about it because the pain is so unbearable. I am the one that was left. I have 2 small kids I must care for though. There are times I think I have it under control and then like last night, I have terrible dreams. I really want to go to the ER and check in so that I can have someone care about me. I am tired of being the doormat.

I don't know that I could ever go through with it because I would hate to leave that legacy with my two kids, but I do want the pain to stop and talking with the therapist now isnt helping. Im isolated, living overseas (military) and have no family near.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

upset/confused said:


> Ive thought about it because the pain is so unbearable. I am the one that was left. *I have 2 small kids I must care for *though. There are times I think I have it under control and then like last night, I have terrible dreams. I really want to go to the ER and check in *so that I can have someone care about me.* I am tired of being the doormat.
> 
> I don't know that I could ever go through with it because I would hate to leave that legacy with my two kids, but I do want the pain to stop and talking with the therapist now isnt helping. Im isolated, living overseas (military) and have no family near.


What happens to these two children if you were gone? Don't you think that they care about you ... or don't they count?

I would try and concentrate on you and your children. If you stay busy enough for them and you, the pain WILL slowly go away. Give it some time and make a concentrated effort to focus on you and your children.

I realize the the pain is intense, but if you're other half don't care about you and your pain ... why waste your time on them?

If you're gonna hurt, hurt for someone that cares about you.

I promise that the pain will ease ... they all do ... How fast the pain eases depends on where you focus your efforts. If you focus on the negatives, it will take longer ... but even then, there will come a point when you'll just turn numb from all the pain and the pain will slowly ease off. It's inevitable!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

When I was going through some bad times with the wife, I never actively thought about suicide, but I did consider just running away and drinking myself to death.
The fact that I had a handicapped daughter that needed me kept me from doing it.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I had thought about it a lot. The only thing that held me back was family and the fact that I would be seriously damaging everyone's lives. I still have some really dark days. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge mountain which I'll never reach the top of but for some reason I still keep trudging on.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I 've thought of it too,as little as few weeks back. This subject came up in anther post not long ago. 

Ive come to realize I am worth so much more than that. Emotions can take you to depth never felt before. The demons surface when least likely. It is hard road, and everyday I look back to where I've come, and turn around and keep going forward. It's all I have ...until the light shines brighter for me.

~sammy


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm different. I figure so long as my life is toast the way it is, I'll take risks to change it to be like the way I want it to be. So it is a death, in a way. But there is life after this kind of death. It's been said that I handle change well. (Not spectacularly IMO but at least well.) 

With this disappointment I quit my contract job, bought spiffy new bras that actually fit and groovy hot shoes, have worn red nail polish at times, took archery lessons, grew my hair out and let it spiral, gone to work as a volunteer in an independent movie theater, applied for and got accepted for a scholarship-funded degree in comparative literature, become competent (somewhat, enough to have fun) at ballroom dance, and decided that smiling is the best option when confused (like a deer in the headlights). I got a trumpet too (used to play, learning again). My kids and I have decided that we are going to learn songs by heart and sing them. 

So, we died but we needed to die because the way we were living was the road to death. Now we are closer to heaven.

My father committed suicide and I always told him he should just do whatever it was he wanted to do, he wanted to get out of his job and the house and go live in the woods as a hermit. Noah John Rondeau did it quite well. My father lacked confidence and a sense of adventure, or not that he lacked it, but I think he tried to conform to something that didn't exist. Which brings me back to change. Suicide is giving up courage in the face of change. It is different than depression and people don't understand that the empty spot between where you once were and where you would like to be is not depression, it is just an empty spot, provided so that you can fill it with your dreams. The life can be more like you dream it. That empty spot is not depression. It is the silent space in between the notes in music, that place where you shift your weight in between making the next move and finishing the last. Only it is prolonged, and because you are not used to noticing it, like the change, it becomes scary. But it has been there all along, it's just that you didn't have the chance to dream, so you ignored it. Well, now, this place has to have its day so here it is.
It's one of those things that is inevitable in life...perhaps it doesn't to happen to everyone in divorce, but other big life events like loss of a loved one (other than divorce), illness, accident, loss of job, some random occurrence..like if the fall of the Berlin wall was an impact for you. 

I think the title of this post is apt...don't be alarmed.
It is just silence. And silence is required in between the notes in order to have music.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

H-N-U, 

Are you working on returning to a marriage or are you on your own ? 

I have been learning a very important lesson and that is, I only have control over me.... and it's starting to feel good. 

~sammy


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Honestly, no. I couldn't do it because of my kids. I have thought about the possibility of my sbtxh doing it, though. (shame, isolation)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> H-N-U,
> 
> Are you working on returning to a marriage or are you on your own ?
> 
> ...


Sammy, I am on my own. I was working on reconciliation up until April when my stbxh came home on leave and I realized how stupid I was not to realize the extent of the abuse before.

I answered the OP's question honestly, but now I recall that while I was IN the relationship, after having my buttons tweaked mildly and irrationally by my stbxh one night I had expressed a desire to jump out the window (hurtful but not fatal) and had ASKED to be taken for psych care immediately, but my stbxh had refused. I did have a couple instances of smashing things in a safe room. So, while I was IN the relationship, BEFORE realizing the issues, but only experiencing them at some subconscious level, yes I was vaguely in the realm of self-harm but taking immediate action to seek help. I am clearly a person who is nearly suicide-proof and even the psychiatrists and therapists who examined me thoroughly while being evaluated for what ended up to be severe allergies/anaphylactic reaction, prolonged...realized this. I have solid resiliency for some reason. Somewhere along the line someone filled my love basket permanently (I started a thread on this: "Who stoked your stove" which can be looked up, basically it is who gave you so much love in your life that you can go without it for a while when needed...or gave you the embers to start your own fire...). 

Actually, this makes me realize I had a dream last night, I was starting a fire from embers. Also in my dream I was riding a horse who I didn't know much about other than it was solid...we were approaching a gated/fenced area where I think my grandmother or some other safe older woman was...and from out of a nearby woods a bull moose came running towards us. I could not get to the gate in time safely so chose to not panic, to stay still, and my horse also stayed still. We waited for the moose to charge us but it came up to us (me and the horse) and we exhaled calm, I trusted the horse not to bolt and the horse trusted me not to panic. We breathed together, it was an unspoken agreement, communicated only by collective relaxation. The moose stopped running and came up and nuzzled my horse. I could feel its moose breath. It was curious, but it was curious at our calm, had we panicked the outcome might have been different. We were only a few feet away from the safety of the gate but had we tried to go in there, the moose might have charged and followed, and threatened the safety of anyone in the gated area, including colts. So we were brave out of necessity to protect what was dear to us. As I had posted last evening about my friend Gordon (an existential friend now since we have had no contact since 1985...and I have no idea where he is and don't need to in order to stay 'connected' from time to time when the need arises...) I have no doubt that the horse in my dream was my friend. You can connect with true friends whether they are there or not, it is only a matter of wanting to and reaching out to them. If they cannot come for whatever reason, they will find a way. In a dream or an animal spirit or the clouds or the wind. You will know. Being alone is a choice of not listening. In my life I've had the experience of knowing the very moment two adult friends passed away. They were woman who had significant emotional connection to me in my childhood/adolesence/young adulthood. When they passed away, they paid me a visit. I had a distinct feeling of them being there, not saying anything but just suddenly being there in my consciousness, after not having thought about them consciously for a while (they were not the kind of relationships where you stay in touch every day...more like every few months or whenever you had the inclination...). Within a few days I heard of their deaths. I don't believe that people are connected only by physical means or the 5 senses. That is the illusion, those 5 senses. The true connection is something else entirely, accessible whenever and wherever. I have met other people who dream travel. That is not to say that what happens in your every day life iin terms of interpersonal relationships is unimportant, it is very important. But it is an expression of true connectedness, and has limitations of the 5 senses for communication...so is going to be imperfect and subject to all sorts of dead ends, circular logic, misinterpretations (funny and tragic and somewhere in between). For me, I can get more truth out of a tree dancing in the wind and what I hear whispered in the breeze, than I can out of a phone conversation. 

After the dream about the horse and moose and the gated area of safety that was not accessible to me without endangering others I loved in the process of entry, I had the dream about starting a fire from embers. 

I have an active dream life, not every night but when I need it. The night before I dreamed that I was buying pork ribs but then realized I had them already as leftovers in my fridge all cooked up already, just needed to be reheated and enjoyed. Well, sometimes I do dream about groceries, but maybe there is something to that... I might already have what I need in some place I'm keeping cold, no need to go out and buy new 'meat' when I can heat up and enjoy what I already have. Trouble is, who in my life resembles a pig. Then men at my town dump told me that ALL men are pigs. So I'm at a quandry when it comes to dream interpretation on that one. :rofl: It's something to think about, and I like to have something to think about. definitely not my stbxh. If miracles like that happened, then my family of origin would not be like it is. Needing also to be kept at safe distance. 

Anyway, I recommend to anyone who is feeling low to go and look at the thread I started about 'who stoked your stove' and contribute. It's an old one (a month or so) so will need to be searched out. At the very least, reading about other people's sources of non-sexual love might provide some reassurance that the world has some substance to it other than deep dark oubliettes for people to fall into and be forgotten.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

everafter said:


> Honestly, no. I couldn't do it because of my kids. I have thought about the possibility of my sbtxh doing it, though. (shame, isolation)


That's pretty much what pushes the idea to the back of the line with me as well. FIrst, they've been damaged enough by their mother leaving. The thought of them being raised by her and that thing she lives with is unacceptable.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I have so much anger over my husband leaving when I have sacrificed so much for him. I cannot even think about killing myself. All I want to do now is try to live better, happier, freer...and prove to him that he made the worst mistake of his life leaving me! If I die so soon, how could I get ever get the satisfaction of seeing that man regret what he did. I had an executive career before I married him. I was going places. However, I became a housewife and stagnated because he refused to move to a place where I could find a job in my field and in English. I am in poverty now after he left, and I have a disability (indefinite period) due to an accident. After next month, I will no longer be able to afford my weekly physio treatment. I am in physical pain, on top of the emotional suffering. But I refused to think of death. 

I will be applying for graduate school. It will be my third degree. I am planning to get government loans and bursaries to pay it through. I promise myself that I will be successful again, and most importantly, I WILL achieve my happiness again even without him.


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## chi_o (Jul 30, 2011)

I haven't thought of killing myself but I've prayed to God to just take me to him and I'm not even that religious. Just the idea of being in heaven and having him take care of me seemed so wonderful.

In reality though I have thought of quitting my job and becoming a sloth. I lost the absolute greatest love of my life, she was my everything, my pride, my joy and my inspiration. The worst part about it is that she still says the same things about me... That hurts so much. I can't picture my life without her by my side, she'll always be in it because we have two kids together but it's hard seeing her with someone else or just knowing she is. The thoughts of what could have been are enough to make you feel like there's nothing left to live for.

And personally, the suggestions of "focus on you," "give it time," etc really anger me. I know they're well founded suggestions but it seems so futile. If all I want is her, how can I get to that point? It's tough.


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

I thought about it as well, but I comforted myself with the thought that this feeling will pass, it is guaranteed to, and happiness will come again of it's own accord.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My other deterrent is that I have allergies. My reaction can include mental confusion, extreme fatigue, and even paranoia and other signs of extreme anxiety such as agitation and heavy sweating and shaking and horrible stomach aches that feel like appendicitis, as well as shortness of breath. I spent a whole year learning to differentiate between stress and allergic reaction. I found out that I handle stress very well...I do things like going to the end of the dock and jumping into the water (it's summer, not a suicidal gesture, LOL, just a symbolic - and FUN - one), or taking a bike ride or taking an Argentine Tango class or trumpet lessons. Still, what I've learned is that when I feel any kind of panic, I stay very still and get re-centered...then if I still feel horrible after a few minutes I take liquid Benadryl and my symptoms of 'stress' usually go away. This was very confusing for a time, because stress if it's not handled can certainly (scientifically proven) make allergies much much worse. The mental confusion is the worst! I am a decision analyst by training and trade, so it's easy for me to tell when I am 'out there'. But also I know to get 'back there' is not always easy. How I can tell is that if it's allergies then it takes longer, because it's a physical process. If I can't tap into my 'center' with centering mental and emotional maneuvers, within a few minutes, then I know I am dealing with either allergies or some external irrationality that can usually be identified (and dealt with). I had so heavily invested my time and energy into trying to make symptoms go away with stress reduction and centering and so forth, that I had completely missed the fact that I was dealing with allergies. I got MISdiagnosed with psychotic anxiety by a couple hospitals before dragging myself to a top-notch facility and throwing myself at the psych walk-in clinic...and finally got correctly diagnosed by process of rule-out, clinicians throwing their hands up in the air, and then a chance occurrence when a child came down with allergic reactions that pointed in the right direction. Still, it was concluded that since I had to drive myself 2 hours one way three times within a week (once for intake, once for admission but the mri machine was broken, once for the admission and testing...) and make arrangements for the care of my children...and my stbxh did not help one bit while I was there, it was completely determined that I was not, whatever I was, suicidal. The fact that my H did not show up for ANY of my visits including my admission stay even though I was scared and asked him to bring a taco from take-out on his way by to go rock climbing with friends for the weekend, was the BEST DIAGNOSTIC TEST ever. The VA Hospital took a whole year carefully giving me the best husband-ectomy ever. The scars are very minimal, they're more like a warrior's tattoo. Oddly shaped like a smile. (I have 3 or 4 epi pens too and also a doctor did apologize for all the trouble me and my younger son had with diagnostic issues over the past few years. That made me cry. Even though he wasn't to blame, I could tell he was genuinely sorry.)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Praying for you Suemolly, Chi o soon your wants and needs change to something else totally. I never thought about killing myself. I was in so much pain and despair but through it all, all I could think of was getting to the next level where I didn't hurt so much. Time and support took me there faster than I could have imagined. The best revenge is a life well lived.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Yes, I have thought about it in the past. When my first ex and I split up, I debated driving my vehicle off of a cliff I was so depressed.

But then I thought about my kids, and I know that no matter what I said in a goodbye letter to them, they would never understand and would probably be devastated for the rest of their lives.

Suicide is selfish. I understand the pain is intense and sometimes the idea of being dead vs feeling the pain, death seems easier.
But it's never easier for the people who are left behind trying to make sense of it all and have to pick up the pieces.

Suicide is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Suicide? no. Murder-Suicide? yeah. Full on drive through the front of the house leap out and machine gun everyone in the room, wait for the SWAT team and go out blazing, laughing hysterically high on meth and naked? 

Ohhh yeah.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I have definitely thought about it and considered it, got close to it but the thought of going the easy way and what my poor children would have to endure helped me get off that ledge. I just couldn't picture myself not in their lives and the baggage they would have to carry because of that decision. So many times while I sat alone at my new apartment did I simply think about how easy it would be and how no one would miss me anyway. It's all distressing and hurts so badly to the core of ones soul. But we move on, we learn to live, it's been hard still but I am learning to slowly assimilate and adapt. I still have moments of massive depression but all it takes is a talk with the kids and I become ok again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes, I have thought about it. Had a pistol in my hand at one point. I couldn't do that to my kids. It is a very selfish thought and an extreme reaction to temporary pain. I think it is very common in these circumstances.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Yeah after reading this thread it gives me the idea of suicide which is stabbing my heart in front of my H...so he will never ever forget it....but i shooked the idea and i felt so bad by even thinking about it , what's the point anyway...losing your life to a loser...i mean there is more to life than evolving your own life to someone who doesn't want to be there anyway...if we had survive way b4 we havent meet them why not now...the point is we are gonna lose the person who matters most to us at sometimes sooner or later so it's best to learn how to deal it now.Life must go on no matter what happens.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I did on the first night. But--- I have too much to live for. My children would be devastated and so would my husband. 

My friend committed suicide almost 2 years ago. It was so unexpected and just so surreal. It was just awful. I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through that about me.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I know that before I left I really wanted to have something tragic happen and wipe me out before I had to go through this.

When I get depressed I sleep. The idea of sleeping and not waking up really works well with my brain and I will sleep for at least 14hrs at a time, be awake for maybe 8, (unless I have to work) and then return to my slumber. 

I also will drink myself happy as soon as I start being overwhelmed by emotion. There were many days before I left where I drank my tears away because I couldn't allow myself that weakness.

There were times when I thought it'd be easier, but I can't and could never do that to the people who do love me. And after 4 or 5 suicide attempts by stbx's sister and the pain that caused everyone..there's just no way. 

I'll take the hard road any day, at least I can live to be proud of it, and my family can still have me around to see me succeed.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Suicide? no. Murder-Suicide? yeah. Full on drive through the front of the house leap out and machine gun everyone in the room, wait for the SWAT team and go out blazing, laughing hysterically high on meth and naked?
> 
> Ohhh yeah.



There is a Garth Brooks song kind of like that. The husband drives his big rig into a hotel room where his wife is with another man. It's actually kind of an up-beat country song. Hmmmm.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Papa loved Mama is the song your thinking about.
I wouldn't recommend murder-suicide even if Garth does make it sound kinda cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm more of a 'Dehlia's Gone' type.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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