# PAP (Post Affair Paranoia)



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Just wondering -

can anyone advise what are the different platforms a WS might use on the internet, or other, to privately contact the POSOM or another potential AP.

Obviously there are secret e-mail accounts or burner phones etc.

Also, I briefly noticed my WS logged on to FB before work the other morning (which she normally does anyway), a box appeared in the lower right corner of the screen, then our inbox was opened and then she closed the lot and left. As though she quickly checked something. 

I was walking past so I can't be sure and she had sent me an e-mail the night before. I don't know. I have access to her FB and it all seems OK.

Just wondering.


----------



## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

Is she technically savvy?

Yes. Google Voice comes to mind, and can be accessed via your regular google login ID. So instead of Gmail, its google.com/voice - and looks just like the email interface. There, you can get a free phone number, and "text" within that client to any valid texting phone.

GV is the most sinister of IP voice programs, if used for affairs or illegal activity IMO. You could even create a new email, sign up for GV, and all you need is a physical phone to link it to. It can be any physical line that hasn't been used (thus it can be tied to a phone the user doesn't own). And it's extremely hard to trace. It's like having a digital burner phone.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

OK thanks for that, what about Social Cam on FB? I ask this question because I noticed that her the POSOM along with 2 others is listed as "Following" her. Would this be recent or from previous contact as to my knowledge she has not had contact since March.


----------



## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

Is he on her friend list?


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

KalmAndKollected said:


> Is he on her friend list?


No, I have confirmed he is blocked.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hundreds of thousands of ways... Even forums like this with a PM feature. You won't know and can not watch everything. Sorry... 

Go with your gut and trust your instincts.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Racer said:


> Hundreds of thousands of ways... Even forums like this with a PM feature. You won't know and can not watch everything. Sorry...
> 
> Go with your gut and trust your instincts.


Anything from a pay phone on the way to work, to a laptop in a coffee shop. A friends phone, a phone you don't know about, email accounts you don't know existed etc. 

I stopped looking at all that stuff when I realized I was in denial. I was in denial about who I married and what she'd done. 

A liar will not stop because you forward texts or have facebook access. They will just use some other way to contact the AP. 

The heart of the issue is, you live with someone capable of deception of epic proportions, and because you know this, you should know nothing will stop them should they choose to do it. 

The only way to make sure your ws doesn't cheat on you again is to leave them.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

awake1 said:


> Anything from a pay phone on the way to work, to a laptop in a coffee shop. A friends phone, a phone you don't know about, email accounts you don't know existed etc.
> 
> I stopped looking at all that stuff when I realized I was in denial. I was in denial about who I married and what she'd done.
> 
> ...


You speak the truth awake1, pity the WS's have no idea what truth is or means.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Horizon said:


> You speak the truth awake1, pity the WS's have no idea what truth is or means.


Don't we know it


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you're in R, you have to get to the point where you can let go of the paranoia and start to trust again. It sucks, and it's really freaking difficult. It feels like you're walking alongside a cliff, drunk, and have as much chance of falling over as making it safely past.

You have to give them the ball back, and see what they do with it. Time will tell whether it's true R or whether it's time for D.

Continue being vigilant, though, and do the checking you need to. I still check up once in a while. It helps me when I don't find anything - every time I don't, the trust builds a little more


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> If you're in R, you have to get to the point where you can let go of the paranoia and start to trust again. It sucks, and it's really freaking difficult. It feels like you're walking alongside a cliff, drunk, and have as much chance of falling over as making it safely past.
> 
> You have to give them the ball back, and see what they do with it. Time will tell whether it's true R or whether it's time for D.
> 
> Continue being vigilant, though, and do the checking you need to. I still check up once in a while. It helps me when I don't find anything - every time I don't, the trust builds a little more


Thanks Hope1964 - you make a valid point and I have done this to a degree but obviously not enough as she does push the "you've got me walking on eggshells" line. 

I think the thing is for those of us in RLL - Recon Limbo Land - is that we expect positives way too early. On the other hand when we see our WS's carrying on as if nothing had happened (wanting it all to go away) we are concerned about how genuine they are in making Recon work or if they are even capable of it.

Being on TAM does build expectations and that is problematic because every case / spouse is different. However when you see very little change from them, if any, you can't help but wonder if the Recon phase is in fact a Recon at all. As you say - time will tell.

I am vigilant and I have the VAR in place a few times each week. Nothing on VAR since I started with it 2 months ago so I guess that is a good thing.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My case isn't typical because I kicked him out the day I found out and did not speak to him except via email for almost 3 months. Being so totally away from him gave me clarity I don't think I would have had otherwise.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a keylogger would be your friend here


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> a keylogger would be your friend here


Where would I track that down? Download it? And not forgetting that it is a work laptop, they've got their own IT Dept obviously - I don't want to cross some legal line.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The truth is that you CANNOT realistically monitor a person electronically 100% anymore, and even if you could somehow, its all you would be doing. Not much of a life. 

So you go with the "tried and true" methods. Is he/she engaged anymore ? Has sex life decreased or vanished ? Is their behavior(s) suddenly changed ? Are they withholding affection ? Staying out when they never did before ? Suddenly working "extra hours" ? Always making excuses to not spend time with you and family. Suddenly dressing differently or more "sexy" ? Being more consumed with their appearance than before, etc.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Don't put a key logger on a work laptop. Just don't.

If she wants to cheat she will cheat. Best defence is to say nothing. She will get sloppy if cheating and then you catch her.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Horizon said:


> I think the thing is for those of us in RLL - Recon Limbo Land - is that we expect positives way too early. On the other hand when we see our WS's carrying on as if nothing had happened (wanting it all to go away) we are concerned about how genuine they are in making Recon work or if they are even capable of it.


You have your answer. If your partner just wants it "to all go away" and isn't instead 10000% focused on making you feel better, then she doesn't give a flip.

You can't go through all the possibilities. You can make a fake email, fake FB, burner phones, app chats (words with friends is a big cheating tool).

It's really really difficult to do, but you have to use your instincts. If you're gut is telling you something is up, you are probably right. The fact that she cheated on you in the first place is all the reason you need to know that she could do it again. More than likely, it's something that WILL happen again, as most people that have the ability to self-reflect from a cheating experience wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

That being said, most of us in your shoes had to learn the hard way, so I hope you find what you're looking for. Make sure to start living your own life though and don't neglect your friendships. You're going to need them.


----------



## Michael Cross (Jul 25, 2013)

Do you have your wife's respect?

She undoubtedly senses that you don't trust her. You may be coming across as weak and desperate - both killers to female attraction. 

You need to start with yourself - be a leader. Find your confidence.

If you think this relationship is worth staying in, and you must because you're still with her, then give your wife a chance to earn your trust without lurking around spying on her.


----------

