# Husband's career choices-thinking about divorce after 2 years



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

New here. My husband and I have been together 3 years, married 2 and we have a 2 year old son. Yes, we moved quickly, which I'm already kicking myself for, but that is a discussion for another day. We are both older (I'm 38, he's 50). We have other issues, but the biggest one at this point is his job, or his approach to improving our/his financial position. When I met him, he had a decent job in a niche market, and that ticked my "educated/has good job/stable career" box. This is a BIG deal to me, because I never wanted to be in a marriage where I had to bear the majority of the financial burden b/c this has been an issue in my past. Well, shortly after we started dating, his company announced it was moving to another state. He made the decision not to move with the company, for various reasons. I had no problem with that b/c I thought he would just find another job and move on. Well, fast forward 3 years, and he is STILL working for peanuts at a big box home improvement store, barely over part time. The job he took "just until something better came along" has turned into a permanent gig. Not because he isn't motivated, but because he just hasn't been able to find anything better. Here is where the problem comes in. He has done the normal job hunting such as scouring the job sites and applying like crazy. He has had a few interviews, but nothing has materialized. His issue is that he has advanced degrees b/c he went back to school, but has been unable to secure a job to give him experience with said degrees, so no one will hire him (or so he believes). His age is also a factor I realize b/c who wants to hire a 50 year old man to do an entry level position when they can hire a college grad? I get it, I really do. But what I don't get is his refusal to explore other options in his career search. Career counselor? Worthless, he says. No money to pay them anyway. Resume writer? Ditto. Any of my ideas are shot down right away. Ugh this is turning into a book, I'm sorry. I am just so resentful that my paycheck is the one keeping us solvent, and barely so, b/c I am only pulling in 55K, which is decent where we live, but by no means "sole provider" worthy. I am exactly where I never wanted to be - practically solely responsible for my family's financial position. DH also has a 10 year old son to whom he sends support to monthly, which is basically half his paycheck.

If you have gotten this far, thank you b/c I realize I am totally rambling. I need advice on how to approach my growing resentment with DH's lack of career. He wants better, I want better, but we disagree on how to get there. Plus I am pretty sure he is depressed, but will also never do anything constructive about that.

TIA!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At some point, your actions move from "supportive" to "enabling". As in, if you weren't around, he would be FORCED to get his career back on track. But because you're providing some degree of financial stability, he doesn't need to. I would suggest that after a couple of years of this situation, you're well within the "enabling" category. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why does he need a resume writer?

Can't he write one himself? Maybe you could help him out?

Perhaps he can apply to jobs that were the same industry he was in previously and network to find something new.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> At some point, your actions move from "supportive" to "enabling". As in, if you weren't around, he would be FORCED to get his career back on track. But because you're providing some degree of financial stability, he doesn't need to. I would suggest that after a couple of years of this situation, you're well within the "enabling" category.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have considered this myself, but I don't know what to do about it. If I kick him out, it will create an even greater degree of financial instability for everyone, as he won't be able to afford to support my stepson OR us b/c he will be spending all of his money on a place to live. Not to mention that I will then have to find a way to pay for full time child care (He watches DS in the afternoons now). I also don't want to be the biotch that kicks her husband out b/c he isn't living up to her standards.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you expressed to him how close to a breaking point you're getting?

He needs a wakeup call. He needs someone to put their foot down and snap him out of his comfort zone. If you're not willing to do that, you can expect him to continue coasting. 

You could try IC on your own. Yes, it can be expensive. Look for low cost options, like counsellors who scale fees, church or religious based counseling, etc. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> At some point, your actions move from "supportive" to "enabling". As in, if you weren't around, he would be FORCED to get his career back on track. But because you're providing some degree of financial stability, he doesn't need to. I would suggest that after a couple of years of this situation, you're well within the "enabling" category.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





PBear said:


> Have you expressed to him how close to a breaking point you're getting?
> 
> He needs a wakeup call. He needs someone to put their foot down and snap him out of his comfort zone. If you're not willing to do that, you can expect him to continue coasting.
> 
> ...


I have expressed my unhappiness at different intervals over the 3 year period, but I have never given him an ultimatum. I guess it's because my desire is to fix this rift, not break up our family. I AM unhappy, but I also love my husband and do not want to give up on us. I guess I am realizing though that if I do not make it perfectly clear just how big a deal this is for me, than he will never know. I can almost guarantee he has no idea that I am online searching for ways to save my marriage - he probably thinks everything is fine. I have also considered marriage or ind counseling, but the $$$ has been a deterrant. I guess also I am afraid to admit it has gotten that bad over something as "trivial" as money. I feel very selfish and unsupportive b/c he is an awesome and present father, and an equal partner when it comes to division of duties around the house and with our son.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Vampfan75
As with many posts, it isn't easy to get a good feel for your situation from what you have posted. 

It seems to me though that he had a good job, and lost it through no fault of his own. He has done (in his opinion) his best at finding a job - very difficult in this economy. He is probably feeling very depressed and inadequate that he has had to take such a cut in both pay and job status. 

Your attempts to help him find a job may be making him feel even worse - it may give the impression that you have no respect for his ability to find a job. I don't know whether your suggestions are actually good or not, but that may not matter to how he feels.

Keep in mind that whatever his income is now, there are people out there with far less money than you can imagine, and no matter what job he finds, there will be people out there with far more money than you can imagine.

Think about how he is feeling and base your actions on that. He is probably feeling desperately out of control of his life, so try to give him more control, not less. Try not to blame him - he has at least found some job in a very difficult market - many men have done far worse. 

I don't know if your specific suggestions, "resume write", or "career counselor" are good or not. The do cost money (which is very short) and it is not clear to me that the help. I believe that most people looking for work do not use services like that. 

Try to remember your oath of "for better or for worse". On the scale of things this really isn't all that bad. The economy is picking up in many parts of the world (I don't know where you are located). Show your child that money is not what matters in life. 

You can of course leave him if you wish - I never suggest that someone stay in a relationship if they are unhappy. From what you have posted though, I don't see anything to suggest that he isn't a decent man who is doing his best.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon Vampfan75
> As with many posts, it isn't easy to get a good feel for your situation from what you have posted.
> 
> It seems to me though that he had a good job, and lost it through no fault of his own. He has done (in his opinion) his best at finding a job - very difficult in this economy. He is probably feeling very depressed and inadequate that he has had to take such a cut in both pay and job status.
> ...


Oh thank you for chiming in from the man's POV. I was hoping to get that. I agree with everything you have said, as all of these thoughts go through my mind on an almost daily basis. He IS a very decent, loving man who I truly believe wants to do the best for his family. I also believe he has run out of ideas, and is thoroughly beat down because of the situation he has found himself in.

The reason that I suggest career counseling is because he has himself stated that he does not know which direction to go in now since his previous attempts at education have not resulted in successful careers, and his education is now stale, with no experience to back up the book knowledge. The one stable, career-worthy job he had in his entire adult life was the one he had when we met, and with it being such a strange combination of skills, it does not translate well into any other single field. I know this because I was temping at the company he worked for when we met. I didn't find out until much further into the relationship that his prior work experience was a string of dead end jobs with low pay as he was either in school or living off of money he made (and subsequently lost) in a real estate venture with his ex-wife. So, his track record in the job arena is not that great. I, on the other hand, have been fortunate and have been gainfully employed in the same field for over 15 years and have slowly moved up in status and pay, despite periods of unemployment due to layoffs and medical issues of my own. So I feel like maybe it would be nice if he would take some of my advice, even if doesn't amount to anything. At least he can say he tried EVERYTHING, instead of shooting it down just b/c he doesn't believe it will work.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Counseling (career, marriage, individual), resume writing, even retraining are much cheaper alternatives to separation and divorce...

Right now, you're wracking up resentments and frustrations because of the situation. That will likely continue to happen until something changes. It's just a race to see if your resentments explode first or if he magically sees the light (or lucks into a job). 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> Counseling (career, marriage, individual), resume writing, even retraining are much cheaper alternatives to separation and divorce...
> 
> Right now, you're wracking up resentments and frustrations because of the situation. That will likely continue to happen until something changes. It's just a race to see if your resentments explode first or if he magically sees the light (or lucks into a job).
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head, and so succinctly too! You gave me a great idea - maybe if I can express to him that working on fixing the issue at hand, be it through marriage counseling for us or career counseling for him (whichever he thinks will work), is cheaper than divorce, he will be more open to alternatives.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you want him to go to resume writing or career counseling, or do you want him to get a good job? Men don't like to be micromanaged. Be clear with him on the fact that you expect your husband and father to your child to be more of a provider... and what will happen if he doesn't. Let HIM work out how to attain that.

By the way, you made a mistake in rushing motherhood and he made a mistake in not taking the relocation. So people make mistakes. How would you feel if he sat around wishing you never became pregnant so quick?


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Do you want him to go to resume writing or career counseling, or do you want him to get a good job? Men don't like to be micromanaged. Be clear with him on the fact that you expect your husband and father to your child to be more of a provider... and what will happen if he doesn't. Let HIM work out how to attain that.
> 
> By the way, you made a mistake in rushing motherhood and he made a mistake in not taking the relocation. So people make mistakes. How would you feel if he sat around wishing you never became pregnant so quick?


Thank you. I can see how my "helping" might be construed as trying to "manage" him, and I know I would hate it if he did it to me. I will admit that I do send him mixed signals. I want him to bring in more money, but I also want him to spend weekends at home with us instead of out working odd jobs for extra money. Part of my frustration is that I know he is capable of so much more - he is intelligent and educated, and I hate to see him breaking his back doing manual labor when I know his potential.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

seems like hes trying everything and your just not happy that hes not earning enough money.

did you marry him because you love him for being him or for his ability to provide for his family?

it a tough job market out there right now and his age is definatily a factor..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've had a similar problem with my now ex he was about 50 at the time. In his case he's had a good, well paid, career for two decades. The company that he worked for did a huge layoff internationally. 

He was never able to find a job. I know that he sent out resumes because I helped him do it... hundreds, thousands. I did get some interviews but no job offers.

The job market is very tough. Your husband is over qualified for most low paid jobs and he lacks the job experience for the jobs in his field. After a while a person just gives up. It's a pretty normal thing to do.

If you were to share with us his career field, maybe we could help with some alternative approaches.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> seems like hes trying everything and your just not happy that hes not earning enough money.
> 
> did you marry him because you love him for being him or for his ability to provide for his family?
> 
> it a tough job market out there right now and his age is definatily a factor..


Honestly, both. I married him because I love him for who he is, as a partner and a father. I didn't realize that the provider piece would end up being such a huge issue for me until it was, if that makes any sense. I am not trying to justify my feelings so much as find a way to deal with them constructively. My goal is to work through my resentment and frustration, not validate it. I appreciate all the candid responses though, truly. This is why I posted, and I am already shifting my thinking.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I understand that it's hard because you are balancing his wonderful personality and nature against your value of him being a provider.

I think it is important that you have a direct talk, saying how you feel, and not what he needs to do. Give him the space to formulate how to meet your need.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I've had a similar problem with my now ex he was about 50 at the time. In his case he's had a good, well paid, career for two decades. The company that he worked for did a huge layoff internationally.
> 
> He was never able to find a job. I know that he sent out resumes because I helped him do it... hundreds, thousands. I did get some interviews but no job offers.
> 
> ...


Well he has an undergrad degree in Finance and an graduate certificate in accounting. The finance degree he got decades ago, and the accounting was finished in 2005. He was not successful in turning either degree into a career, and since I was not around in those years, I couldn't really tell you why. Poor decisions, missed opportunities, etc. It doesn't really matter to me at this point. But I know he feels VERY bitter about still paying for student loans for degrees he has never been able to use. This is partly why I have pushed him to use a career counselor - so he could find a job in a field in which his degrees are required or very useful.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> I understand that it's hard because you are balancing his wonderful personality and nature against your value of him being a provider.
> 
> I think it is important that you have a direct talk, saying how you feel, and not what he needs to do. Give him the space to formulate how to meet your need.


Yes, this is so spot on! And I agree - I need to tell him how I FEEL, not suggest ways for him to help those feelings go away, which is how I have been approaching it up until now.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... My SO is a facilitator at at government funded organization that helps underemployed people find jobs. They do workshops, help with job searches and resumes, etc. All at no cost to the people who use their services. And they get LOTS of people in your husband's situation. Has he been looking for community run programs?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> Btw... My SO is a facilitator at at government funded organization that helps underemployed people find jobs. They do workshops, help with job searches and resumes, etc. All at no cost to the people who use their services. And they get LOTS of people in your husband's situation. Has he been looking for community run programs?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We do have an organization that helps with the UNemployed, but I am not so sure about the UNDERemployed. And I have suggested him looking into stuff like this, but at this point, he just shuts down whenever I make a suggestion. Are you allowed to name your SO's organization so I can see if it is available in our area? We don't live in a metro area, so those kinds of programs aren't as abundant here as in bigger cities I don't think.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's up here in Canada... I'm on my phone so I can't see where you are (if you list it). 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

PBear,

I'm in US - Florida. I will be adding my location to my profile tho to make things easier in the future.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Financial issues can be the death of a marriage. It's unfortunate he didn't choose to follow his company to a new state if he was employed in such a niche market. Especially one not available where you are now. Career counseling sounds like a good idea. But (being realistic) it's obviously a tough market for someone his age -- especially starting over. Something to remember.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Financial issues can be the death of a marriage. It's unfortunate he didn't choose to follow his company to a new state if he was employed in such a niche market. Especially one not available where you are now. Career counseling sounds like a good idea. But (being realistic) it's obviously a tough market for someone his age -- especially starting over. Something to remember.


Yeah we both sometimes wonder if he should have taken that job, but the reality is that our families are here and my job is here. There is no guarantee that move would have worked out any better for us - I could have had trouble finding a job in the new state and we would have been in the same spot we are in now. And I realize how difficult a position he is in - again, which is why I find it hard to understand why he won't take every opportunity to give himself an edge over the 100's of other applicants he goes up against with every job he applies for.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vampfan75 said:


> Well he has an undergrad degree in Finance and an graduate certificate in accounting. The finance degree he got decades ago, and the accounting was finished in 2005. He was not successful in turning either degree into a career, and since I was not around in those years, I couldn't really tell you why. Poor decisions, missed opportunities, etc. It doesn't really matter to me at this point. But I know he feels VERY bitter about still paying for student loans for degrees he has never been able to use. This is partly why I have pushed him to use a career counselor - so he could find a job in a field in which his degrees are required or very useful.


I can think of several thing that he could do with his education.

Has he (and you) considered starting an accounting/booking business? I'm headed towards retirement and am doing this right now.. my business offers accounting, bookkeeping and tax services... and a lot more. If you want to brain storm on this idea let's do it. You could even invite your husband into the discussion.

And way to gain job experience is to volunteer to do things like accounting for non-profits. 

Did he get any experience in accounting and finance in the job he had when you met him?

What is your experience/education in? I'm asking because with the right mix you two could build a nice company that makes a whole lot more than you do right now.

PM me if you want to talk off forum about ideas and how to do this all.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

vampfan75 said:


> Yeah we both sometimes wonder if he should have taken that job, but the reality is that our families are here and my job is here. There is no guarantee that move would have worked out any better for us - I could have had trouble finding a job in the new state and we would have been in the same spot we are in now. And I realize how difficult a position he is in - again, which is why I find it hard to understand why he won't take every opportunity to give himself an edge over the 100's of other applicants he goes up against with every job he applies for.


Probably he's depressed. It's obviously very difficult to find yourself at his age in the situation he's in. Apparently, the two of you made around the same salary?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vampfan75 said:


> We do have an organization that helps with the UNemployed, but I am not so sure about the UNDERemployed. And I have suggested him looking into stuff like this, but at this point, he just shuts down whenever I make a suggestion. Are you allowed to name your SO's organization so I can see if it is available in our area? We don't live in a metro area, so those kinds of programs aren't as abundant here as in bigger cities I don't think.


Would you mind sharing what organization this is? I know a person who can use a hand up in this area.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

vampfan75 said:


> Yeah we both sometimes wonder if he should have taken that job, but the reality is that our families are here and my job is here. There is no guarantee that move would have worked out any better for us - I could have had trouble finding a job in the new state and we would have been in the same spot we are in now. And I realize how difficult a position he is in - again, which is why I find it hard to understand why he won't take every opportunity to give himself an edge over the 100's of other applicants he goes up against with every job he applies for.


Interesting. Have you considered his view point? He sacrificed for you by not taking the job, and yet he is the bad guy because he does not support you in the way that you feel you deserve.

I am not saying your feelings are that harsh or selfish, but you do kind of gloss over that in your rush to validate why he has failed you.

Consider something else. What happens if he does all the stuff you think he should do and he still can't find a job you find acceptable. Because a whole bunch of those applicants are likely doing what you think he should be doing to get a leg up. What happens then?


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I had been the main provider for most of my marriage, supporting my wife while she got her degrees. But I got hit with cancer in Sept that destroyed one of my vertebrae and now my wife is graduated and starting a good job.

Still, she has this intrinsic value that I be the provider despite I am presently on disability and have to train to do something entirely different...and I'm turning 40 in two months.

It just is what it is sometimes.

I could get offended and pissed off about her expectation (especially when she put our family in a huge amount of debt), or I could try to understand and meet her need. However, what has really helped lessen the pressure is her showing me trust by not harping on me, just being honest that it makes her feel more secure when I am moving forward.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

The number one issue that I see is that sending blind resumes to job boards like Monster, etc. is inherently a long shot. Research has shown that most jobs come from using your existing contacts or making new contacts and then asking them if they know of job openings. 

I know that this is counterintuitive - why ask people who aren't necessarily hiring if they know about possible job openings? But it turns out that good old-fashioned networking is the most reliable way to find a new position. 

The companies that outsource their employee searches to HR or to third party companies are just handing the job over to people who don't really have a clue. So they just apply crude filters to the mountain of resumes that they search and you're lucky to make it through the first screen even if you are qualified. 

Personally, my last two jobs were through contacts. In one, I had a brief conversation with a well respected guy at one company a couple of years earlier and I mentioned that in a cover letter. That got me past the first screen. 

In the other, I worked for a guy on one project and he wanted to hire me a couple of years later in a totally different area. The thing is, he liked me and respected my work ethic. If I had just anonymously applied for either job without mentioning the contacts my chances would have been slim. 

This guy has some interesting things to say about job hunting:

http://www.asktheheadhunter.com/basics1.htm

I don't think that job coaching and resume writing address your husband's core issue.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Interesting. Have you considered his view point? He sacrificed for you by not taking the job, and yet he is the bad guy because he does not support you in the way that you feel you deserve.
> 
> I am not saying your feelings are that harsh or selfish, but you do kind of gloss over that in your rush to validate why he has failed you.
> 
> Consider something else. What happens if he does all the stuff you think he should do and he still can't find a job you find acceptable. Because a whole bunch of those applicants are likely doing what you think he should be doing to get a leg up. What happens then?


Without going into a lot of complex background, I can assure you that he did not sacrifice the job for my sake, and it was his decision alone because we had just started dating and were nowhere near serious. He only questions it now because of his lack of progress over the last few years. Regardless, I do understand what you are saying. I do want to be content with his station in life, and it is a struggle, since it is obvious (b/c he tells me constantly) that he is unhappy with his position and wants it to improve. I am at a loss as to how to support him in the mediocre position he is in when he himself is dissatisfied.


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Have you considered asking for a raise at your job? Or began sending your resume out in hopes of finding a better job. 

It's a tough economy. That doesn't mean there are no jobs available, but you take what you get. A lot of people don't take those entry level positions because they are thinking they are above them. If both of you are looking to improve, then you double your chance of success. 

I also think you have to ask yourself... If he still had his old job and income, would you be happy? If the answer is yes...

Well... For better or worse, no?


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

I also think you have to ask yourself... If he still had his old job and income, would you be happy? If the answer is yes...

Well... For better or worse, no?[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately that question is hard to answer because he hasn't had a good job since we have been together. We met, dated a year, then got pregnant shortly after getting engaged (pregnancy was planned due to us both wanting a child and not wanting to wait b/c of our ages). So we've had a lot to adjust to in a short time, and to be honest, I don't know how things would be going right now if we hadn't had to struggle financially for the entire relationship.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

vampfan75 said:


> Without going into a lot of complex background, I can assure you that he did not sacrifice the job for my sake, and it was his decision alone because we had just started dating and were nowhere near serious. He only questions it now because of his lack of progress over the last few years. Regardless, I do understand what you are saying. I do want to be content with his station in life, and it is a struggle, since it is obvious (b/c he tells me constantly) that he is unhappy with his position and wants it to improve. I am at a loss as to how to support him in the mediocre position he is in when he himself is dissatisfied.


And yet you ended up marrying him. Had he been smart and taken it, you two may well have not stayed together. So consider that what you see as a foolish decision, he saw (at least at the time) as a good one. Also consider that him thinking it was foolish may not be that great a thing for you.

As far as supporting him, ask him. Tell him you know it is tough, that what you (and I mean you, not him) has been causing stress, and you want to be supportive, so how can you do that?


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> The number one issue that I see is that sending blind resumes to job boards like Monster, etc. is inherently a long shot. Research has shown that most jobs come from using your existing contacts or making new contacts and then asking them if they know of job openings.
> 
> I know that this is counterintuitive - why ask people who aren't necessarily hiring if they know about possible job openings? But it turns out that good old-fashioned networking is the most reliable way to find a new position.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

the old axiom "it isn't what you know, it is who you know"
In my employment sector that is so blanatly true that I almost consider it a form of corruption.

does he have a good set of contacts? has he fully utlized them to land something? does he like to network/is he good at it? or if otherwise - there are seminars out there on how to network, maybe those would be useful.

I have a couple questions:

-- you make 55K. how much does he make in his current job?

-- Do you think he would enjoy teaching (e.g. high school?) don't know situation with teachers in Florida and he may have to jump through some certification hoops, but I think some school systems like/encourage 2nd career taechers.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> I had been the main provider for most of my marriage, supporting my wife while she got her degrees. But I got hit with cancer in Sept that destroyed one of my vertebrae and now my wife is graduated and starting a good job.
> 
> Still, she has this intrinsic value that I be the provider despite I am presently on disability and have to train to do something entirely different...and I'm turning 40 in two months.
> 
> ...


Your situation is quite a bit different from the OP's situation due to your health issues. 

I hope things work out for you.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> And yet you ended up marrying him. Had he been smart and taken it, you two may well have not stayed together. So consider that what you see as a foolish decision, he saw (at least at the time) as a good one. Also consider that him thinking it was foolish may not be that great a thing for you.
> 
> As far as supporting him, ask him. Tell him you know it is tough, that what you (and I mean you, not him) has been causing stress, and you want to be supportive, so how can you do that?


I know you are right, and I have been actually working up the courage to ask him just what you suggested - "How can I be supportive", but I chicken out every time b/c all of our conversations about his job situation lately have been so stressful, and rather than bring it up again, I keep my mouth shut. I know that's not helping, but I'm just being honest.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Is he at minimum wage?

You could tell him what you think he should do to find another job but dear, that gets very old to a job-seeker (been there).

His biggest hurdle in finding a decent job is his age. Hell, when I was in banking in the 80's & 90's (no recession) we thought "40" was old.

He needs to remove ALL dates from his resume & shave off any years over 10 in any one specific job. This includes the year of his college degree, etc. No dates. Computer programs at many companies are tossing resumes of "old" people.

Trust me I know. I'm a *tiny* bit older than your husband & got laid off in 2009 at the height of the recession. I got zero interest/interviews when my resume showed dates. Once I got rid of all dates & shaved off years of service, the phone lit up & thankfully I now have a good job but it DID take 3 years.

I agree with you that your husband may have a type of depression - situational because you said he is not happy with his job situation.

Also, he needs to brush up on his computer skills. Take a Microsoft Office Suite class at the local community college. I can't stress enough how important this is.

I think with his finance degree, he may want to apply for entry-level finance/accounting jobs. Check with all of the local school districts - a decent starting wage with decent raises on a set schedule; also great benefits. Here in CA, we have a website called "ED Join" that lists all of the state district openings. Lots of older folks working in school districts (my former employer).

I know & completely understand how frustrated you are. However, you married this good, decent man & made the choice to have a child with him. He does bring in some income & saves you on childcare costs. If you divorce him, he could go into a serious depression & be unable to parent effectively.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> the old axiom "it isn't what you know, it is who you know"
> In my employment sector that is so blanatly true that I almost consider it a form of corruption.
> ...


Last year he made about $15k. His job is seasonal, so his hours go from 26-40, depending on the time of year, but mostly he is closer to the 26. He makes $9.50/hr. He went from making over 40K/yr to a string of jobs like this in the last 3 years. 

Funny you should mention teaching b/c he actually did some substituting on a recommendation of a friend. He has actually renewed his status for this year, and has LOOKED INTO the certifications necessary to become a teacher. This is one of the things we fight about though. He has done everything but actually doing the last step toward being able to make it a career, which is studying for and taking the tests. I personally think it is because, like everything else he has considered, he is unsure it is something he wants to do.


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

It sounds to me like it's not his job or his ability to get another one that's the problem. It's that you are currently unhappy in your financial situation and possibly in many aspects of what you refer to as a rushed marriage. 

Your reservations to be a breadwinner are very self-serving. It's easy to tell someone else what to do, but ultimately, you are responsible for yourself. More so if you get a divorce. 

Do you think a divorce will make your financial situation better? 

What do you see yourself doing after getting divorced?

Have either of you been married previously?


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Emerald said:


> Is he at minimum wage?
> 
> You could tell him what you think he should do to find another job but dear, that gets very old to a job-seeker (been there).
> 
> ...


Thanks for the tips on the dates on his resume. I will pass that along to him at a time when he is in a decent mood to take suggestions - those are very rare these days.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Geez folks, it's completely reasonable for vampfan75 to have the expectation that her husband works full time at a job that contributes as close to equally to the financial support of their family.

When there have been men here who wanted their SAHM wives to stop staying one and get a full time job, the usual advice is for the husband to tell her that she has no choice, he'll divorce her if she does not.

This is a 50 year old guy with a good education who cannot decide what, if anything he's actually interested in doing. To top it off it's a bad economy so it's harder to find jobs when he has little to no experience. So he's decided to do nothing really. Well except to work at a minimum wage job part time.

She is feeling trapped. He's not doing all that he can do to find a good job. Apparently he's not networking to meet the people who do the hiring and how have the jobs. He could start a small business but has not pursued that. He could certify as a teacher but has not bothered.

Yes I know all about the unemployment depression and complacency. But he has a responsibility to two children to snap out of it, reach out and get help and get employed. 

If he did not have her supporting him, he would most likely had a fire under his behind to find a job. But he does not see a read urgent need to work so he is coasting.

If she says nothing he will continue to coast.
If she says something apparently he gets upset, but continues to coast.

I think she has at least 4 choices here.

1) She can divorce him now and just get it over with. But I don't think she's ready for his drastic an action.

2) Ignore it and learn to live with an underemployed man. 

3) Accept that that is who he is, he's a SAHD who works part time. So he can do what most SAH wives do... this is not a bad choice. It gives vampfan75 a spouse who supports her career and enables her to pursue advances. But I get the idea that her H would not be happy with this. 

3) Do things to try to inspire him to get the help he needs to either find a job or to start a business. 

They learn to talk to each other about this. She can bring ideas to the table.. then he decides. She tell him that he has 6 months but has to see him doing things along the way. Then he decides what he will do and tell her what support, if any he needs from her. In 6 months if he has not made any progress a divorce is reasonable.

We could help you find ideas to give him.. there have been some good ones so far. Such as he needs to network. He can find things going on in the area and attend them. He can start a business.

I like the resume ideas given above about how to minimize age on a resume.

My vote here is for helping the OP help her husband. He does not sound like a happy guy right now. So this is not a situation that should just be accepted.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

You married a good man, but his good job moved and now you are bearing the financial burden for the family. Divorce will certainly not improve your financial situation and creates a host of other problems. You are not inclined to move for several very good reasons. 

If the situation were slightly different and your DH became disabled, would you not pare back your family expenditures in line with your new reality? 

It appears you resent you DH's dismissal of you counsel ... rightfully so. You need to tell him how it feels to have the family's financial burden on your shoulders. You need to tell him how it feels when your well-meaning advice is ignored. Don't try to fix your DH's problem, talk about YOU. Kindest Regards-


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> It sounds to me like it's not his job or his ability to get another one that's the problem. It's that you are currently unhappy in your financial situation and possibly in many aspects of what you refer to as a rushed marriage.
> 
> Your reservations to be a breadwinner are very self-serving. It's easy to tell someone else what to do, but ultimately, you are responsible for yourself. More so if you get a divorce.
> 
> ...


No, a divorce will make my financial situation worse, especially at first. The only way I see a divorce improving my financial situation is if I remarry and my new husband makes a lot of money. And that is NOT my goal here.

It is my first marriage, his 3rd. (1st wife passed away; 2nd one divorced him).

I don't WANT to be divorced, because I love my husband and I want my family intact. But I also am not happy with the state of things right now, and I am trying to figure out how to stay married and also be happy.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Geez folks, it's completely reasonable for vampfan75 to have the expectation that her husband works full time at a job that contributes as close to equally to the financial support of their family.
> 
> When there have been men here who wanted their SAHM wives to stop staying one and get a full time job, the usual advice is for the husband to tell her that she has no choice, he'll divorce her if she does not.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I thank all of you who have contributed to this conversation. I have actually gotten a lot of good ideas and a few harsh words that I needed to hear and accept. I am going to work up the nerve to REALLY talk to my husband about my feelings and needs, and make an effort to listen to his feelings and needs in return. I want my marriage to work. I am not looking for justification to leave this good man. But I respect myself too much to just sit and do nothing while my life passes me by because I deserve to be happy as well. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you are getting divorce responses because of the title of your thread. 

I assume his child support payment was based on the income from his other job? Now that he's making considerably less, is it possible he can get a reduction?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If this is about the job why can't you all move to an area where him finding a job in his field of expertise is possible?


----------



## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Do you want him to go to resume writing or career counseling, or do you want him to get a good job? Men don't like to be micromanaged. Be clear with him on the fact that you expect your husband and father to your child to be more of a provider... and what will happen if he doesn't. Let HIM work out how to attain that.
> 
> By the way, you made a mistake in rushing motherhood and he made a mistake in not taking the relocation. So people make mistakes. How would you feel if he sat around wishing you never became pregnant so quick?


It takes two to make a baby. Your analogy is ignorant and not useful. How could someone who fully participated in the creation of a child have a RIGHT to sit around resenting the mother?


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: Husband's career choices-thinking about divorce after 2 years*



Openminded said:


> I think you are getting divorce responses because of the title of your thread.
> 
> I assume his child support payment was based on the income from his other job? Now that he's making considerably less, is it possible he can get a reduction?


Yes, I suppose I should have left "divorce" out of the title. Lesson learned I guess. His CS payment is based on his better job, but he doesn't want to decrease it, which I understand.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Set up a in-home daycare. He already watches his kid, add a few playmates. Getting licensed is a big plus. Before and after care is a big market, especially if offered in connection with transportation to schools.

I'd look into a teaching credential. FLA has a shortage of qualified teachers in the public school market. Most deserted into parochial schools. He has a decent shot at a full time position.


----------



## ShadowOfDoubt (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi Vampfan75,

I really like the degrees your husband has and think he has the potential to get a new career going.

I retired from the Army at age 42 then went to college and earned an undergraduate degree in accounting. At 46 years of age I began working in public accounting. At 51 years of age I was laid off due to the down turn in the economy. I was so freaked out (because of my age)! So, I turned the den into a job finding war room and worked 18-hours a day at finding a job. For six months, not a single offer. My relationship with my wife suffered, so I slept on the couch. Then, seven offers within a few weeks. The first two came five minutes apart; it was awesome, after feeling so desperate. 

Age is a hurdle, but not much of one. Motivation, attitude, and perseverance are more important. I like Elegirl’s advice, starting at a small firm (or your own) doing bookkeeping and taxes. This is how I started.

The layoff, in retrospect, was a huge opportunity!


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

vampfan75 said:


> Yes, I suppose I should have left "divorce" out of the title. Lesson learned I guess. His CS payment is based on his better job, but he doesn't want to decrease it, which I understand.


I admire his sense of conviction, but economic reality is what it is. If his income has gone dramatically down, then he should petition the court for a reduction in child support.

They may not grant it, but he should try. Sorry, but he has a new family now with you and your child with him to worry about also. Just my opinion.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is a* 40 year old guy* with a good education who cannot decide what, if anything he's actually interested in doing. To top it off it's a bad economy so it's harder to find jobs when he has little to no experience. So he's decided to do nothing really. Well except to work at a minimum wage job part time.





vampfan75 said:


> New here. My husband and I have been together 3 years, married 2 and we have a 2 year old son. Yes, we moved quickly, which I'm already kicking myself for, but that is a discussion for another day. We are both older *(I'm 38, he's 50).* We have other issues, but the biggest one at this point is his job, or his approach to improving



Correction: he's 50. A decade is a big difference in the unemployment field.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Perhaps he should think out of the box...

He was in the financial field. Has he consider being self-employed? Be an accountant?

Is he interested in the health field? How about studying to be a health care technician? Study to be an acupuncturist?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aug said:


> Correction: he's 50. A decade is a big difference in the unemployment field.


Yes, the decade 50, instead of 40, makes a big difference in job seeking. But there are things he can do. Self employment is probably his best bet.


----------



## vampfan75 (Jul 11, 2014)

Just wanted to update:

Hubby and I sat down this weekend for a come to Jesus talk, and it went well. I laid everything out for him, as brutally honestly as possible, using some of the advice I got here from you good folks. He responded well, and was not surprised by much of anything I said, to my relief. I made it clear to him that the issue has gone far beyond simple financial problems, and that our marriage is suffering and I am not happy. He agreed that I was not being unreasonable. He is a man of few words, but his actions show me that he heard me. He has registered to take the tests he needs to certify himself to teach, and has started studying. Now I just hope that his resolve stays strong. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post, as your input gave me the courage to speak out.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm glad your talk went well. It's difficult to communicate sometimes -- especially when the subject is a tough one.


----------

