# Live in BF got into it with my son, need advice.



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I don't want to be THAT parent. I don't want to the one who blindly sides with my kid, no matter what he does. Having said that, the BF absolutely DID NOT handle the situation like an adult and admits that. He has apologized to my son for the way he acted, but stands behind his feelings.

Story:
My son is a GREAT kid. He is nearly 17, makes great grades, doesn't do any of the normal things that teenagers do. He never talks back (to me) doesn't sneak out, drink, smoke, etc. He does cuss on occasion, which I have only recently started getting onto him about doing in front of me and the BF because the BF doesn't like it. 

The other night, while I was out tending the farm animals, apparently my son showed "disrespect" to my boyfriend. He is very anal about keeping the house clean, and while my son does keep his room picked up, does dishes on his night, picks up after himself, and does his own laundry once a week, sometimes he leaves coke cans in his bedroom wastebasket. My BF is VERY worried about roaches and bugs and such, and has asked him on numerous occasions to empty the basket, which my son admittedly does only when he feels like it. 

So they get into it about that. My son brings up "when we lived in our other house (before we moved in with the BF 6 months ago) I changed my garbage when I felt like it." Somehow this sets the BF off and he said ugly things, including cussing at my son. Kid ends up crying. (Which of course pisses me off to no end.)

They had a pretty good relationship up until that point. It took my son a while to warm up to my BF, and this has pretty much ruined their relationship.

I "broke up" with him that night. I feel like he is emotionally immature at times. This is not the first time he has thrown a temper tantrum (Later that night, after we got into it, he threw dinner into the back yard.) We slept in separate rooms. Yesterday we talked, argued, had sex (!!! he is VERY LD and never wants to, but we did TWICE yesterday) argued some more, talked some more. I told him I still don't know if I want to stay with him or not.

This morning it was more of the same. He did sleep in the bedroom with me last night. My son did say he was glad that he apologized to him, but he was not his "buddy" anymore. Breaks my heart into pieces.

My BF said he feels like the "third wheel" or the "red headed stepchild" a lot of the time between me and my two boys. And I do understand that his "position" in our unit is hard to define. He is not thier father, he isn't even a step father, but he is not a peer, nor is he really in a position to asset authority. He has tried hard to make us all fit into a mold of "family unit" and does cook for us (he loves to cook, we do not expect it.) We do thank him for it, and we usually sit down and eat as a family. But he gets his feelings REALLY hurt if one of us just happens to not like something he has prepared. We are an honest group, and say what we mean. He has a hard time hearing it sometimes. He said he feels taken for granted, even though I am always thanking him and telling him how much I appreciate him.

I don't know if I want to stay and try to work this out or not. Most of my (single mom) girlfriends are telling me that I need to kick his butt to the curb for treating my child so poorly. 

 Advice?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My son and my best friends son are best friends. She called me this morning and told me that my son texted him and told him that he "can't wait until BF moves out, he has been unhappy for a while." That statement seems VERY off to me, because the kid has been FINE. He has joked around with the BF, spent time with us, helped out around the house, and although he is having some personal issues with friends at school, has been fine. He did mention that he was a little tired of the BF being so nit-picky about the food issue, and he had noticed on his own that he gets butt hurt very easily over it. We are pretty chill people, the BF is a drama king and seems to love conflict. That is really my biggest complaint against him, and what caused him to lash out at my son the other night.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I just got out of a marriage where my husband was stepdad to my teenage kids. He experienced the same thing - felt like a third wheel. And my kids, in the end, hated him because of his way of dealing with them. Of all the things that caused the downfall of our marriage, this was the biggest one, and it ended up causing a rift in my relationship with my kids that we still haven't recovered from. 

A therapist of mine said once that a stepparent, especially when they come in when the kids are teens, can't hope to be a parent or behave like a parent would. They are more of a "coach." Disciplining should be done by the biological parent. So, if the coke cans were a problem it should have been you that said something. But that's only if you agree. And that's a lot of the problem I had with my ex. My kids and I had a certain way of doing things and we were fine with it. And it wasn't acceptable to him and we resented him making us feel crappy about it. And, it was us against him. 

I think these things can be worked out in family counselling. I don't have much hope otherwise. 

And in re: the way your BF responded. If this was a one-time thing, everyone should forgive and move on if he promises not to react that way again. But if this is a pattern...it's not something you want to expose you and your kids to over the long term. 

Sounds like your BF is living with you? Might be easier if he had his own place.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

And GA...this might just be me...but knowing your BF is LD, I'm wondering what is in this for you? Aside from all of this, you are sexually incompatible.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I don't want to be THAT parent. I don't want to the one who blindly sides with my kid, no matter what he does. Having said that, the BF absolutely DID NOT handle the situation like an adult and admits that. He has apologized to my son for the way he acted, but stands behind his feelings.
> 
> Story:
> My son is a GREAT kid. He is nearly 17, makes great grades, doesn't do any of the normal things that teenagers do. He never talks back (to me) doesn't sneak out, drink, smoke, etc. He does cuss on occasion, which I have only recently started getting onto him about doing in front of me and the BF because the BF doesn't like it.


So what you are telling me is that you don't really know your son.

At first you say you don't want to be that mom that thinks their kid is perfect, then you go on to say "he is perfect".

I don't believe you.





GA HEART said:


> The other night, while I was out tending the farm animals, apparently my son showed "disrespect" to my boyfriend. He is very anal about keeping the house clean, and while my son does keep his room picked up, does dishes on his night, picks up after himself, and does his own laundry once a week, sometimes he leaves coke cans in his bedroom wastebasket. My BF is VERY worried about roaches and bugs and such, and has asked him on numerous occasions to empty the basket, which my son admittedly does only when he feels like it.
> 
> So they get into it about that. My son brings up "when we lived in our other house (before we moved in with the BF 6 months ago) I changed my garbage when I felt like it." Somehow this sets the BF off and he said ugly things, including cussing at my son. Kid ends up crying. (Which of course pisses me off to no end.)


He cried to get your reaction! Come on now. That's the oldest trick in the book.

And the whole "when we lived..." BS = making you feel sorry /hitting your nerves to feel bad about your ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP and reconsider this.

Before this incident, did he feel this way? did You?

This is kind of silly to be honest. Your son is disrespecting your boyfriends house by breaking rules. He needs to clean the **** up after himself....and that's it!



GA HEART said:


> They had a pretty good relationship up until that point. It took my son a while to warm up to my BF, and this has pretty much ruined their relationship.
> 
> I "broke up" with him that night. I feel like he is emotionally immature at times. This is not the first time he has thrown a temper tantrum (Later that night, after we got into it, he threw dinner into the back yard.) We slept in separate rooms. Yesterday we talked, argued, had sex (!!! he is VERY LD and never wants to, but we did TWICE yesterday) argued some more, talked some more. I told him I still don't know if I want to stay with him or not.


This is just weird. You are considering leaving him and arguing....AND having sex with him?

WTF? :scratchhead:



GA HEART said:


> This morning it was more of the same. He did sleep in the bedroom with me last night. My son did say he was glad that he apologized to him, but he was not his "buddy" anymore. Breaks my heart into pieces.


Buddy? lmao

Your son (and ANY KID) is the best when it comes to "getting on parents nerves/hitting the right buttons".

You know this right?

Your boyfriend is NOT his buddy or a friend (ok fine, he might be LONG after he is his parent). 

How does the old saying go? If your teenage kid doesn't HATE YOU, you are NOT doing your job as a parent!!!!

Your boyfriend/father figure or even a mother is NOT THERE TO BE LIKED. We are there to teach them valuable lessons in life and prepare them for adulthood.



GA HEART said:


> My BF said he feels like the "third wheel" or the "red headed stepchild" a lot of the time between me and my two boys. And I do understand that his "position" in our unit is hard to define. He is not thier father, he isn't even a step father, but he is not a peer, nor is he really in a position to asset authority. He has tried hard to make us all fit into a mold of "family unit" and does cook for us (he loves to cook, we do not expect it.) We do thank him for it, and we usually sit down and eat as a family. But he gets his feelings REALLY hurt if one of us just happens to not like something he has prepared. We are an honest group, and say what we mean. He has a hard time hearing it sometimes. He said he feels taken for granted, even though I am always thanking him and telling him how much I appreciate him.
> 
> I don't know if I want to stay and try to work this out or not. Most of my (single mom) girlfriends are telling me that I need to kick his butt to the curb for treating my child so poorly.
> 
> Advice?


Here is my advice.

a) your girlfriends are crazy. Kick his butt out for what? Because he enforces rules in his household? WOW. I would reconsider your "friendships" with them or getting advice from them.

b) you went from "my son gets into argument with my boyfriend" to all of the sudden "he gets mad when we complain about the food HE cooks for us". DO you even realize how ridicules this sounds? At this point I would say you would be doing your boyfriend a favor by leaving him.....

You are taking things to the extreme. This is where you should stand by your boyfriend and make sure your son RESPECTS his/your household!!! Not baby sit your 17 year old son and let him cry on your shoulder so that you feel bad.

To think that you are even THINKING about breaking this relationship up is just crazy, I'm sorry.

c) tell your son to LISTEN to him when he tells him to clean his mess up. This is his/your house and he needs to respect it. In 1 year, his ass will be on the street if he disrespects the house rules. 

Time for reality check for yourself AND your son.

I would also like to ask you if you would EVER consider making your boyfriend priority in life. Cause right now, it seems like he is a sidekick or low on your priority scale.

Is he your #1? Will he ever be? If you can't make him #1, by all means leave and don't get involved with ANYONE.

Relationships = TEAM. Above does NOT sound like a team at all. If anything, enemies the second "kid" doesn't like <insert anything>.

DO NOT allow your children to put a gap between you 2. That's the last thing you want. 

I see nothing wrong with your boyfriends behavior. it's his house, respect it.

Also, another word of advice. When someone goes up and beyond to get you into their house (and your kids)....and cooks for you.......I don't care if it's a piece of **** that they serve you.

BE NICE and thankful that there is a person like that in this world.

IT'S WAY MORE IMPORTANT TO BE NICE THAN IT IS TO BE RIGHT. 

If his food is bad, ohh well. Eat it and be thankful you even have food. We have 25k kids that die in this world EACH AND EVERY DAY due to lack of food.

You eat what's in front of you and don't complain. ESPECIALLY YOUR KIDS!!!!!

LAst thing I will tell you, I can't stress enough how important it is for every child to have a father and mother figure in their life. Take one away, and the kid will miss out on a LOT and will miss valuable lessons HE NEEDS TO LEARN. It seems to me like you found that father figure for your sons (read: you are VERY lucky).....most men would NOT step up to "not their kids" and do this.

I'm sorry if I'm too harsh, but this whole thing sounds rather ridicules. I feel bad for your boyfriend.
*
Make him your priority and stick WITH him. Your kid is being ****ty and you are not only supporting him but also thinking about breaking up?*

You are doing it wrong


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This is not a slight against you, just an observation. Your choice of language, and the words you use to describe your boyfriend, and this situation tells me that you don't have a whole lot of respect for him, and that it is indeed a you against him overall situation. I do not detect any real desire from you to truly work this out. Could you be posting this to either consciously or subconsciously gain the validation you need to end the relationship?

With regards to feeling like a third wheel...I can relate to this, especially at this time of the year. Take the traditional family unit...father, mother, children. Think of life as a play with different parts. You are playing the role of mother, the kids are playing the role of the kids, and the role of father is being played by...well, that role was established by another actor...the same play, same script, but his part wasn't written for him, but by another man. I will never forget my feelings around my first Christmas with my now wife and step kids. Decorating the house, hanging the stockings...it was all the same for them, but for me...I got to hang the lights in the same way they were used to, I was just a different man doing it. The stockings...well, they were all coordinated to match the holiday decor, so they had the same stockings they had always had, and mine...I got the stocking that went to the man playing the role of father in their play.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes, we are sexually incompatible. But he is going in to talk to the doctor about his test results next tuesday. He is trying (although I've had to nag him about it.)

I just mentioned family counseling to him and he jumped all over it, even said he would pay half.

I"m struggling with where my loyalties lie. It's a hard struggle. The boy's father is a ghost in thier life. He make appearances very occasionally, and spends more time with the youngest than with my oldest. I think the last time the kid went to visit him was in 2012. The BF is a pretty big influence on my son, and my son ADORES my BF's parents. We all do.

He has had smaller little blow ups before. Nothing like this. But it worries me about escalation. I am so torn about a lot of things right now.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I just got out of a marriage where my husband was stepdad to my teenage kids. He experienced the same thing - felt like a third wheel. And my kids, in the end, hated him because of his way of dealing with them. Of all the things that caused the downfall of our marriage, this was the biggest one, and it ended up causing a rift in my relationship with my kids that we still haven't recovered from.
> 
> A therapist of mine said once that a stepparent, especially when they come in when the kids are teens, can't hope to be a parent or behave like a parent would. They are more of a "coach." Disciplining should be done by the biological parent. So, if the coke cans were a problem it should have been you that said something. But that's only if you agree. And that's a lot of the problem I had with my ex. My kids and I had a certain way of doing things and we were fine with it. And it wasn't acceptable to him and we resented him making us feel crappy about it. And, it was us against him.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but your therapist was wrong.

Your boyfriend SHOULD be enabled to be a father figure, because EACH AND EVERY kid NEEDS this!!!

I come from a broken marriage and dealt with my step father just like OP's sons did...and your kids.

Read this CAREFULLY: I did EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING to get my way. I put EVERYTHING ON THE LINE to get to my goal.

If you side with me, I win. 

Think about all that for a bit.

EACH AND EVERY KID NEEDS A FATHER FIGURE TO TELL THEM HOW IT IS AND DISCIPLINE THEM. 

Because we all know most mothers are too soft and are too afraid to "hurt" their kids. I know my wife is, and she is a great mother!!!

This is similar to "heart thinking" when it comes to relationships. Think with your brain, if your kid is being ****ty, don't support them.......punish them.

Just like a relationship, if there is NO CONSEQUENSES and mother always supports the kids "because of love".......you are in for a SHOCK and are setting them up for a complete failure once they are grown up and a man.

How do you think we end up with entire generations of people "that can do no wrong". That's because they were never told that they were wrong or disciplined about it. No consequense for bad actions is probably the biggest damage you can do to your kids. I would even go as far as saying it's WORST than PHYSICAL ABUSE!!!! That's right!

It took me over 10-15 years to learn valuable lessons I should have learned IF my mother enabled my step father to be a proper father figure. 

But she sided with me.....and she shouldn't have.....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I have to respectfully disagree with DoF's posts... OP's son sounds like a good kid, not an ungrateful, manipulative person. And the BF has absolutely no business trying to "parent" this kid. 

BF, on the other hand, sounds immature, jealous, bad-tempered, OCD, punitive. Throwing dinner out into the backyard? C'mon. That's REAL mature . Obsessing over a _soda can_ in the garbage can, to the point of picking a fight, turning it into a knock-down drag-out, driving the kid to tears? (Btw, there's nothing wrong with a 17-year-old getting upset to the point of crying, he's still a kid!)

Honestly OP, it sounds like your son doesn't like him, and it sounds like YOU don't much care for him either. He's making your kid miserable. Plus you're sexually incompatible.

Honestly, why stick around?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Yes, we are sexually incompatible. But he is going in to talk to the doctor about his test results next tuesday. He is trying (although I've had to nag him about it.)
> 
> I just mentioned family counseling to him and he jumped all over it, even said he would pay half.
> 
> ...


You are thinking with your heart, not your brain.

Besides, if you ARE sexually incompatible, what the hell are you doing moving in with someone like that? You know it's not going to last. You are giving your kids a hope of proper father figure knowing very well that their heart will be broken in no time. THat is VERY wrong, I'm sorry.

FINALLY a GOOD reason to end a relationship.

Your original post = good reason for your BOYFRIEND to end relationship. I know I would.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I have to respectfully disagree with DoF's post... OP's son sounds like a good kid, not an ungrateful, manipulative person. And the BF has absolutely no business trying to "parent" this kid.
> 
> BF, on the other hand, sounds immature, jealous, bad-tempered, OCD, punitive. Throwing dinner out into the backyard? C'mon. That's REAL mature . Obsessing over a _soda can_ in the garbage can, to the point of picking a fight, turning it into a knock-down drag-out, to the point that the kid was in tears? (Btw, there's nothing wrong with a 17-year-old getting upset to the point of crying, he's still a kid!)
> 
> ...


Based on what OP said, throwing dinner out the window is probably a "boil" effect of this sort of thing going on for long period of time. 

he blew up/over boiled. Sure, he could've handled it better....but I don't see a big deal about it. I'm SURE he is not perfect!

No man likes to be disrespected in their household. Especially when one puts a WHOLE lot of effort into making family unit/better. 

Remember, this guy took a mother of 2 into their household. 

Good luck finding another men like that!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Well, I know I can count on TAM for honesty! LOL!

Maybe I am overreacting. This is not the first time I have had issues with his immature outbursts though. I don't like drama (how often is it that the man is dramatic and the woman not so much? LOL!)

I LOVE the man and he is a GOOD man. But yes, I don't know if I can handle the drama. I know people fight and argue and such, and that's fine. But I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle this drama or not. He admits that he is very "my way or the highway." Maybe my biggest problem is that we have all tried to change to fit into this mold he has made for us. We never really were a big "bond over food" type of family. I have tried to explain that to him, but it seems we are never "good enough" to keep him happy. I have told him to quit trying so hard. He is kinda being a martyr. YES, we are all appreciative of what he does and YES, my kids always eat what is placed before them. But when the BF flat out asks us if we liked it, and the is answer is, "It was ok, I didn't care for the flavor" which turns into him pouting?? How is that for blowing things out of proportion?

And also, my son was hiding in his room crying. He DID NOT come to find me, he was embarassed for his reaction and was trying to hide. I went to check on him. I have seen that kid cry 3 times in the past 4 years.......the other night, when his dog died, and when I told him his father and I were getting a divorce. I DO know that kid. We are pretty close, but I do give him his space. He was acting like a little brat when the BF and I first got togeher (you may look up my old posts if you wish) but we worked through it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Well, I know I can count on TAM for honesty! LOL!
> 
> Maybe I am overreacting. This is not the first time I have had issues with his immature outbursts though. I don't like drama (how often is it that the man is dramatic and the woman not so much? LOL!)
> 
> I LOVE the man and he is a GOOD man. But yes, I don't know if I can handle the drama. I know people fight and argue and such, and that's fine. But I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle this drama or not. He admits that he is very "my way or the highway." Maybe my biggest problem is that we have all tried to change to fit into this mold he has made for us. We never really were a big "bond over food" type of family. I have tried to explain that to him, but it seems we are never "good enough" to keep him happy. I have told him to quit trying so hard. He is kinda being a martyr. YES, we are all appreciative of what he does and YES, my kids always eat what is placed before them. But when the BF flat out asks us if we liked it, and the is answer is, "It was ok, I didn't care for the flavor" which turns into him pouting?? How is that for blowing things out of proportion?


"It's more important to be nice than it is to be right"

"Thanks it was good" is the answer. Nobody wants to spend an hour or 2 cooking and be met with "it was ok, I didn't care for it".

Don't you understand? Have you ever cooked and was met with similar behavior?

You said there are other drama/incidents. Give me specific examples!!!



GA HEART said:


> And also, my son was hiding in his room crying. He DID NOT come to find me, he was embarassed for his reaction and was trying to hide. I went to check on him. I have seen that kid cry 3 times in the past 4 years.......the other night, when his dog died, and when I told him his father and I were getting a divorce. I DO know that kid. We are pretty close, but I do give him his space. He was acting like a little brat when the BF and I first got togeher (you may look up my old posts if you wish) but we worked through it.


So let him cry. It's not bad for him. He will get over it. He needs to deal with his feelings/issues....not have YOU deal with it.

You should tell him that when he does something wrong and senses that the person in front of his is upset.....the best approach is to pick up the mess and APOLOGIZE.

Have you even told him that yet?



And I'm still waiting for the most important answer to the question I asked.

Is your boyfriend your priority? Can he (or anyone) ever be over your children?

If the answer to either of those questions is NO (now keep in mind that ANY man needs to earn that spot, and I'm assuming that he did, since you already live with him)......YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

When your nest is empty, you will rethink the answers to above. I guarantee it!!!

I still don't understand why you would even introduce your children to a men (long LONG before moving in with him) that is not sexually compatible with you. You are really messing up your kids with such acts/behavior. They are STARVED for father figure and need it, you are giving them an idea/dream.....knowing very well that you will take it away SOON.

Not smart IMO. Before you introduce your children to ANY man, take time (as in MONTHS) to build proper foundation and make sure they earn trust and will make a great partner. Sexual compatibility is a HUGE red flag and should probably end the relationship all together.

If I was to date again, it would probably take a good year (if not too) before that person met my sons/daughter. I would do everything I can to make sure they are the right one. Possibly even wait until Honeymoon is over!!! 

I would not want to give my children FALSE impression of new mother in their life. That would be VERY VERY wrong.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The answer to your question USED to be YES to a point. Like I said, I DON'T want to be the person that blindly sides with my kid. But now, I can answer with an I DON'T KNOW, hence my problem. I want advice, I want opinions from both sides. Since my kids' father isn't in the picture, I AM ALL THEY HAVE.....and if my son feels like I choose his "step father" over him? THat is exactly what happened with his father....he chose his new wife over the kids. He is no longer in thier lives and in off living with a new family. More power to him, but it chaps me to death that he just dropped our boys. I don't want my son to think I'm doing that too. The kid will grow up and have his own life and be gone is a year and a half. I am a realist, I am not the type to want to hold onto my youngin forever, I"m not a "helicopter parent," I'm not overbearing or sheltering. But it IS my job to protect him. BUT I love my BF and KNOW that we need to be partners. I know that he needs to be my priority and we need to be a team, and I told him as much.

HAVING SAID THAT......the BF was DEAD WRONG to have cussed my child. I told BOTH of them that night that the BF's feelings were valid and that he is entitled to them, but he handled it WRONGLY, which he completely admits to. Even my son agreed that his feelings were valid.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And the sexual incompatibility didn't show up until after we moved intogether. We went slow, the kids did have a year to get to know him/warm up to the idea. We spent weekends at his house for a full 6 months before we moved in full time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And I should say OUR house, because we bought it together. IF this doesn't work out, he is moving out. And yes, taking away that father figure is something that I DO NOT want to do. I know they need it. I want them to have it. And I am very grateful to my BF for stepping up when he didn't have to, and I tell him that all the time as well.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

But that's my whole rub, I"m trying to do what's BEST for my kids (and me too.) 

Is having a father figure worth putting up with the outbursts? He has cussed at me during fights too. I don't let it bother me, but I am older and recognize a temper tantrum when I see one.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Whew! Getting me all worked up early in the morning. Defensive much? LOL! I do need to get the wheels turning, DOF, and I thank you for that!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> The answer to your question USED to be YES to a point. Like I said, I DON'T want to be the person that blindly sides with my kid. But now, I can answer with an I DON'T KNOW, hence my problem. I want advice, I want opinions from both sides. Since my kids' father isn't in the picture, I AM ALL THEY HAVE


I understand, and I'm sorry.

But if you can't make your loved one your priority over your kids. You should not be in a relationship.

I'm sorry. Relationship = TEAM

you are a team with your kids and your loved one feels ALONE and LEFT TO THE SIDE.

Chances are HIGH that this is not the first incident that told him above and what has happened can simply be his boiling point. He is getting fed up and reacting in weird ways.

he SHOULD end the relationship (I would).



But if you can't make him your priority, you should do him a favor and end it yourself.

He deserves better than that!

Think about it. If he was to have children, woudl you be with him if there was NEVER a chance for YOU to be his priority (and his kids were). And no matter what they did wrong he sided with THEM?

Put yourself in his shoes!!!!



GA HEART said:


> .....and if my son feels like I choose his "step father" over him? THat is exactly what happened with his father....he chose his new wife over the kids. He is no longer in thier lives and in off living with a new family. More power to him, but it chaps me to death that he just dropped our boys. I don't want my son to think I'm doing that too.


You are not doing that. There is a HUGE difference in BEING a great mother and taking care of them AND being on the same page with your love one.

Even if your ex was to stick around, you should already know how important it is for BOTH parents to be on the same page.

That is basically the CORE of parenting right there.

Your assessment of the situation above is wrong and not comparable. Draw a clear line between discipline and "abandoning of a child" WHOLE different league.



GA HEART said:


> The kid will grow up and have his own life and be gone is a year and a half. I am a realist, I am not the type to want to hold onto my youngin forever, I"m not a "helicopter parent," I'm not overbearing or sheltering. But it IS my job to protect him. BUT I love my BF and KNOW that we need to be partners. I know that he needs to be my priority and we need to be a team, and I told him as much..


Great, so SAYING above and actually taking actions are 2 different things.

based on your actions on the event you told us about, your actions DO NOT line up with your words.

Your boyfriend knows this, you tell him one thing, but do another.

You should have pulled him to the side, tell him, honey, I agree, he needs to clean up soda and respect your household, but please try to contain yourself a little better and not throw a fit. 

TO ME, above is reasonable and you are siding with him.....are on his team.

Rule of thumb, ALWAYS assume kid is ****ty. Cause 99% of the time THEY ARE!






GA HEART said:


> HAVING SAID THAT......the BF was DEAD WRONG to have cussed my child. I told BOTH of them that night that the BF's feelings were valid and that he is entitled to them, but he handled it WRONGLY, which he completely admits to. Even my son agreed that his feelings were valid.


It's ok for your child to be *****ed out at times.

He will get if from his friends......his boss....and other people. Might as well get used to it now.



Those last 2 sentences sound great. If your boyfriend addmit to his wrong doings, you have a good one on your hands.

NOW, for you to still think about leaving him for above....is still rather extreme and crazy.



Work on building a STRONGER unit with him. Assure him that he IS your priority and stay on top of your kids. To be honest with you, if you knew what his house rules are, it should be YOUR responsibility to check up on your kids and stay on top of them....not his. But the fact that he does = good father figure.

And no, he can never EVER be perfect. Neither can you....and especially your kids (they are as far from perfection as human being gets).



Now address the big elephant in the room, which is......sex incompatibility.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> But that's my whole rub, I"m trying to do what's BEST for my kids (and me too.)
> 
> Is having a father figure worth putting up with the outbursts? He has cussed at me during fights too. I don't let it bother me, but I am older and recognize a temper tantrum when I see one.


Elephant in the room #2

Why haven't you addressed this prior to moving in with him?

Talk to him about this. Set argument rules and boundaries and both of you agree on them. It will go a long way in your relationship. both of you stick to it and walk away if it's broken > come back when things are calm.

Building healthy communication blocks is crucial to healthy relationship.

But issue #1 is probably a deal breaker to begin with, not sure if it's worth going on.....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> And I should say OUR house, because we bought it together. IF this doesn't work out, he is moving out. And yes, taking away that father figure is something that I DO NOT want to do. I know they need it. I want them to have it. And I am very grateful to my BF for stepping up when he didn't have to, and I tell him that all the time as well.


Elephant in the room #3

Why in the world would you buy a house with someone that you are not married to?

I guess since you are a woman and have justice system on your side, that's better.

BUt I would never EVER recommend that. You are in for a SHOCK if you guys ever break up. It's going to get dirty with no marriage/legal status.

I see a LOT of red flags on your end.......and some on his end too. Jesus, depending on the state he might be legally obligated for child support for your kids (but by all means DO NOT do this even if you can/or if it's legal). 

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Don't play dirty please.

This guy you have, well, all I can say is that it will be HARD to find a man willing to take on a woman with baggage that you have. He must really love you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Whew! Getting me all worked up early in the morning. Defensive much? LOL! I do need to get the wheels turning, DOF, and I thank you for that!


Focus on the sexual thing. is that a deal breaker. No point of dealing with the rest until this one is settled.

What exactly are you referring to on this end? Is it size, performance? Something within his control or not?

Can it be simple resentment due to you being overprotective of your kids?

Figure this out first!!!!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

We are working on the sexual thing, hopefully we can come to a better understanding soon (he went to doc, getting results next tuesday.) It is not a deal breaker to me, never has been. I don't like it, but can take care of myself.

We have a legal agreement on the house, and I am not a vindictive bia. If we split, I will handle things the way we agreed to beforehand. I pride myself on my integrity. (And am not ashamed to say it! LOL!)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> This is not the first time I have had issues with his immature outbursts though.
> 
> I don't like drama; I don't know if I can handle the drama.
> 
> ...


You say you love him, but does he really love you? Because love isn't about making people "fit into a mold", forcing people to do it "your" way only, pouting and being a martyr, and doling out drama and temper tantrums.

None of these things are particularly positive attributes. In fact, the way you describe him, I don't think I would find it very appealing to hang out with the guy.

Personally, I would be re-thinking the relationship


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> You say you love him, but does he really love you? Because love isn't about making people "fit into a mold", forcing people to do it "your" way only, pouting and being a martyr, and doling out drama and temper tantrums.
> 
> None of these things are particularly positive attributes. In fact, the way you describe him, I don't think I would find it very appealing to hang out with the guy.
> 
> Personally, I would be re-thinking the relationship


It's more than just making sure the plates go in this cabinet, or the towels get folded a certain way. This goes back to what I said earlier about this being a play with specific roles. She and her kids have gotten used to doing things a certain way without a man to play the role of father. That was a role filled by another man at one point, left unfilled for a while, and now a new actor playing the part.

I have to wonder TRULY how much she and the kids have embraced as opposed to actively and enthusiastically engaged in authoring a new script with her boyfriend as an intergal part of it, written with him in mind as opposed to just any guy. Obviously there has been some attempt to integrate this all, but I do wonder how much of it was either openly, or silently done kicking and screaming.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Sammy, you do bring up a good point. Yes, there had been kicking and screaming. It has been hard to try and change into better people (I.e. really cleaning up after ourselves and staying on top of stuff.) None of us were filthy people, but we weren't exactly neat freaks either. My son did say that he hopes we don't go back to the way we were, he likes it better this way (as do I) and that he knows it was the bf that brought out this positive change. 

But it seems that bf isn't happy with our efforts, he openly admits that we are all showing tremendous improvement, but he wants more. He wants to not have to "remind" us to do things, he wants us to do them automatically. While there are some things we all do that eay (chores that are specifically assigned to us) sonetimes we just plain don't see things the way he does. A stack of papers doesn't ring warning bells for me, but drives him nuts. I will do something with them if he asks, but I feel like he is expecting too much to expect us to have the exact same mindframe as him. We can't read his mind.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Sammy, you do bring up a good point. Yes, there had been kicking and screaming. It has been hard to try and change into better people (I.e. really cleaning up after ourselves and staying on top of stuff.) None of us were filthy people, but we weren't exactly neat freaks either. My son did say that he hopes we don't go back to the way we were, he likes it better this way (as do I) and that he knows it was the bf that brought out this positive change.
> 
> But it seems that bf isn't happy with our efforts, he openly admits that we are all showing tremendous improvement, but he wants more. He wants to not have to "remind" us to do things, he wants us to do them automatically. While there are some things we all do that eay (chores that are specifically assigned to us) sonetimes we just plain don't see things the way he does. A stack of papers doesn't ring warning bells for me, but drives him nuts. I will do something with them if he asks, but I feel like he is expecting too much to expect us to have the exact same mindframe as him. We can't read his mind.


You shouldn't see things the way he does.

Also fact that you say WE, describes YOU and YOUR kids as a UNIT.

Where is HE in this? 

That is your problem related to the original issue. 

WE should include HIM. We should be YOU and HIM......kids right behind.



I also think that the fact that he cares enough about you to want you to become a better person, simply puts a seal on the fact that he loves you guys very much. 

If he didn't try to make YOU and your kids a better person, often, many here would say "he is not worth being with".

Mind you, NOTHING is good when taken to the extreme. So if he is doing that, you need to sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him that you like what he is doing, but not when it goes to the extreme.

DO NOT use the coke example, cause he was right...and YOU shoud've been on top of your kids if anything.......

Besides, what the hell is he doing drinking coke anyways. That **** is bad....


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Out of the whole argument with your son, the thing I take the most issue with is the fact that he cursed at your son. The soda cans in the trash can thing can be easily resolved, set up a new system where your son empties his trash can like 3 days a week (M/W/F). However, the cursing at my child is what would piss me off the most. If I don't curse at my own child NO ONE else has that right....period. 

Family counseling may be good in this situation. Maybe your BF will also see that he is also being a bit too rigid when it comes to house cleaning. It's one thing to like a nice & tidy house, but it's another that a few soda cans inside a waste basket will send you over the edge like that. That is not normal.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Drop the boyfriend - he seems stupid and immature in his handling of kids, situations etc.

If you need companionship you either wait until your kids are out of the house or you set very tight boundaries.

I agree with those that say you should be the only one who disciplines your kids.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JustTired said:


> Out of the whole argument with your son, the thing I take the most issue with is the fact that he cursed at your son. The soda cans in the trash can thing can be easily resolved, set up a new system where your son empties his trash can like 3 days a week (M/W/F). However, the cursing at my child is what would piss me off the most. If I don't curse at my own child NO ONE else has that right....period.
> 
> Family counseling may be good in this situation. Maybe your BF will also see that he is also being a bit too rigid when it comes to house cleaning. It's one thing to like a nice & tidy house, but it's another that *a few soda cans inside a waste basket will send you over the edge like that*. That is not normal.


I have a strong feeling that this was never about soda cans. I know I could be way off base here, and projecting a bit, but he may very well be picking up on the whole us vs him undercurrent here. I have a feeling that there are many times and ways he is subtly undermined, made to feel as an extra, a stand in, instead of the leading role. I have a feeling she and her kids aren't even aware of themselves doing it.

Back to my christmas stocking example...as we were decorating, and hanging the stockings that first year, my now wife and the kids all had their names on theirs and the one hung for me was blank, as the old name had been picked off of it. They went up in a specific order so as to be symmetrical. What a strong subtle, but boldly visual reminder of my position in the household. It bothered me, and bothered me a lot. It was symbolic of so many other little things. I struggled within myself, trying to convince myself that I was being immature, insecure, until finally it did boil over.

It wasn't about the stockings. It was about my being able to help write the script for myself, play my own part, and not just fill in. My now wife and I had a long talk about it, and she couldn't for the life of her understand where I was coming from, but you know what...the very next day, we went out and got all new stockings.

Such a small, token gesture that meant so much to me. The thing is, after that, I noticed a huge change in her...ever since then, we have written our own script..for us.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> It has been hard to try and change into better people (I.e. really cleaning up after ourselves and staying on top of stuff.)
> 
> ...it seems that bf isn't happy with our efforts...
> 
> ...


Bottom line, I think you two are really a mismatch. He is an OCD neat-freak who wants everything done "just so" and HIS way. He seems to thrive on drama. You, on the other hand, are much more laid back, easy-going, let things roll off your back, and detest drama. And let's not forget the sexual issues that are going on as well.

If you remain in this relationship, I think you are always going to have that "walking on eggshells" feeling. And he will turn into a nag, always harping on you to "do better."

It just doesn't sound like a very fun way to live.

I don't think you knew him long enough or well enough before buying a house together.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> *I have a strong feeling that this was never about soda cans. * I know I could be way off base here, and projecting a bit, but he may very well be picking up on the whole us vs him undercurrent here. I have a feeling that there are many times and ways he is subtly undermined, made to feel as an extra, a stand in, instead of the leading role. I have a feeling she and her kids aren't even aware of themselves doing it.
> 
> Back to my christmas stocking example...as we were decorating, and hanging the stockings that first year, my now wife and the kids all had their names on theirs and the one hung for me was blank, as the old name had been picked off of it. They went up in a specific order so as to be symmetrical. What a strong subtle, but boldly visual reminder of my position in the household. It bothered me, and bothered me a lot. It was symbolic of so many other little things. I struggled within myself, trying to convince myself that I was being immature, insecure, until finally it did boil over.
> 
> ...


Agreed 100%

Believe it or not, I've struggled with this sort of thing WITH MY WIFE AND MY OWN KIDS.

It took many years for my wife to "get it". 

If you are going to overprotect your kids and disable me from being a father figure, than why bother? Why am I here dedicating my entire life to this family? 

It's probably even worse for him as he is picking up the pieces your Ex left you with.

And just like your boyfriend, I was FAR FAR from perfect when it comes to treatment/anger etc. It took me time as well.

We are at a great place now, I feel that my wife has my back and the other way around. My anger is under control and so is my wife's, now kids know and accept that "going to mommie" no longer does the trick. Sure they still do it, but my wife now assumes "kids are always guilty until proven innocent". It took # of events and reality checks on her part to get it as well.

I had to literally show her step by step how she was being taken advantage of.

Kids have NO limits and will do whatever to get their way. Sad but true. I know I did when I was a kid too!

NOW they are learning proper!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Bottom line, I think you two are really a mismatch. He is an OCD neat-freak who wants everything done "just so" and HIS way. He seems to thrive on drama. You, on the other hand, are much more laid back, easy-going, let things roll off your back, and detest drama. And let's not forget the sexual issues that are going on as well.
> 
> If you remain in this relationship, I think you are always going to have that "walking on eggshells" feeling. And he will turn into a nag, always harping on you to "do better."
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how you can go to such an extreme and recommend a split. That's not right.

I can understand if OP said Sex thing was a deal breaker (but she said no).

She needs to have a serious conversation with him about the issues she has with him, but right now is probably not the best time.

Seems like the both apologized. Now it's a good time to talk about cursing and ask him to deal with it better. It's also a good time to apologize for her kids actions and assure him that OP will check on them on this particular issue so it doesn't happen.

This is what I call Tango, both parties dancing in sync. Working TOGETHER as a unit to resolve issues.

For next few weeks, think about a plan/approach to tackle other issues. First I would recommend "Fighting rules". Week or 2 later bring up the issues you have.

Goal is to create a healthy/open and honest environment to communicate in. I'm MORE than sure this will resolve most of the issues between them.

Meanwhile, focus on backing him up and being on the same team. 

ASSUME your kids are wrong. Remember they are just little creatures taking up space and not really doing ANYTHING or contributing towards this planet. They are simply taking up space, taking resources and just BEING.

They have done NOTHING past 2 decades (almost). BY DEFAULT, child is spoiled even if you don't actually spoil them!!!

:scratchhead:

You said he is 17, ask him to get a job!!! DO NOT let him get a license until he has a car....can pay for insurance etc. DO NOT buy it for him (but contribute a bit if you can). And remember, him getting license = your insurance doubles.

Tell him to start going around within walking distance and look for a job.

My 16 year old daughter has one!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I find this thread fascinating.

In the first camp, there are those who think the wife and son are to blame for most of the problems, the son is somewhat of a brat, the two of them are undermining the BF and causing him to "boil over" with anger and resentment.

In the second camp, (in which I include myself) there are those who think the BF is immature, OCD, overly-dramatic, control freak, and they probably aren't a good match for eachother.

It's like we're reading two completely different threads...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I find this thread fascinating.
> 
> In the first camp, there are those who think the wife and son are to blame for most of the problems, the son is somewhat of a brat, the two of them are undermining the BF and causing him to "boil over" with anger and resentment.
> 
> ...


Let me rephrase that a bit to make it more in line with reality.

In one camp we have those that see a lot wrong with wife and kids, but still have an issue with what boyfriend is doing.

And other camp thinks her child/op is completely innocent and boyfriend is a complete jerk. LEAVE HIM

That's a BIG difference.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DoF. With all due respect, youn are coming off like a wingnut here.

Firebelly was right in her initial post. I speak from years of experience.

A BF can't waltz in and tell a teenage son anything. The idiot is lucky that GAs son was not like me.

I have experienced an almost identical situation to GAs son.

The first time the guy who was fvcking my mom, because that is all he is when you are a teenager, tried to lay down his law with me, I did him a favor and left for the day. The chores HE wanted me to do left undone.

My mom came home from work and saw me gone. When I finally came home later that night, she had been crying her eyes out.

I hugged her and told her I loved her but her boyfriend needed to stay away from me.

I did not mind her having one, I minded him trying to play like he had anything to do with me.

He did not figure it out. I ended up kicking his ass twice. The last time, she left him. Boyfriends need to back off. Teenagers have already developed and should not be expected to conform to the guy mom is having sex with.

Your son probably has not shared fully with you how he feels. I would take his statement to his friend as the truth.

Keep your boyfriend, just don't live with him. Your son, at this stage, does not need a guy you are sleeping with to tell him anything about life. If he plays his cards right, your BF can grow into a good influence/friend to your son. It sounds like he has already blown it pretty big. He does need to move.

Your son might put up with it, but resentment is growing.

A father figure cannot be forced on someone. He has to be chosen by the child.

GA, your children have to be your top priority as a single mom.

Their dad is out of the picture and that is sad but you can't fill that spot now. If your kids were really young, maybe. Your children have already grown too much to accept someone to imprint on their personalities.
Your older son is way to close to adulthood to accept this.

How would you feel? Explore how it would be to have someone forced on you, that you did not choose, telling you what to do and how to live as an adult?

Your son probably feels violated. I know I did. It was hard to accept my mom having a boyfriend. It was impossible to accept him as a dad!

My advice is to have your BF move out, does not mean break up, and get some family counseling with your children. DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR BF IN THIS!

There are some serious issues that you need to address with your kids.

Your BF is not their family, YOU ARE!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have an obligation to your son. You are his mother.
You are exposing him to life that he neither chose nor deserves.
You must stop living this man. Please. Think of your child first. That's a mother's job.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> DoF. With all due respect, youn are coming off like a wingnut here.
> 
> Firebelly was right in her initial post. I speak from years of experience.
> 
> ...


At what point should she stop letting her kids control her life...hold all the cards? Extreme example here, but realistic as well...I suspect many would say once the kids are gone, then you don't have to listen to them any more...but is that true? What if one of the kids says you can't see your grand kids if you stay with the guy? How long should a parent live in fear of, consider threats from, live their life for their kids? One has to be very careful with giving anyone, even their kids, too much power over them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> A BF can't waltz in and tell a teenage son anything... Boyfriends need to back off... Teenagers have already developed and *should not be expected to conform to the guy mom is having sex with.*


:iagree::iagree:

The BF will never be the kid's father. The kid should be respectful towards him as he would any other adult, if (and this is a big IF) the BF is likewise respectful of the kid. Picking fights, throwing temper tantrums, heaving dinner out into the backyard, cussing, etc. is completely disrespectful of the son and means all bets are off as far as I'm concerned. The BF blew it bigtime.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> The BF will never be the kid's father. *The kid should be respectful towards him as he would any other adult*, if (and this is a big IF) the BF is likewise respectful of the kid. Picking fights, throwing temper tantrums, heaving dinner out into the backyard, cussing, etc. is completely disrespectful of the son and means all bets are off as far as I'm concerned. The BF blew it bigtime.


I know I am removing a lot of the context here...but another common things with kids...

Over at their friends house...the friends dad tells them to empty a trash can, even one the kid had never put anything into, my bet is the kids would hop right up and do it...no question or resentment at all, yet at home, there would be the whole...in a minute...I'll do it later...do I have to...then a week later, it's still not done, and all of a sudden, mom is a b1tch, or dad is an over bearing ass when they demand it get done right then.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> DoF. With all due respect, youn are coming off like a wingnut here.
> 
> Firebelly was right in her initial post. I speak from years of experience.
> 
> ...


I agree with some of what you said but there's one HUGE issue here.

Rules of the house are equally GA's and her BF's. The kids need to adhere to them. It's not being a father figure, but the BF has the right to establish 50% of the rules of the house. He owns half of it and has as much say to the house rules and GA does.

And the kids NEED to follow them. They may not like them, but until you're 18 and put your own roof over your head....you don't set them and need to follow them.

The mistake in this is buying a house together. The BF is as committed into this as much as GA is at that point. There's a fairness issue here.

I see a lot of what the BF is doing wrong here, but he SHOULD be respected as co-head of house. It's not being the father....but it's being a co-head of household.

If they rented a house and the landlord said...you can do xy and z...but DO NOT do ABC...and her kids did ABC....well wouldn't there be issues?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> At what point should she stop letting her kids control her life...hold all the cards? Extreme example here, but realistic as well...I suspect many would say once the kids are gone, then you don't have to listen to them any more...but is that true? What if one of the kids says you can't see your grand kids if you stay with the guy? How long should a parent live in fear of, consider threats from, live their life for their kids? One has to be very careful with giving anyone, even their kids, too much power over them.


When you have kids, many decisions you make should be with their best interests in mind.

Who you allow in their lives is one of the biggest!

This is a BF. That is all he is. He makes mom happy and has sex with her. That is nice. He has no bearing, nor should he, on her sons life. HE IS NOT DAD AND HE NEVER WILL BE!

He is not trying to control his mother, he is stuck trying to put up with this intrusion to his life. He has a life and sounds like he is an awesome kid. He does not need his mother's BF trying to make him be anything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I agree with some of what you said but there's one HUGE issue here.
> 
> Rules of the house are equally GA's and her BF's. The kids need to adhere to them. It's not being a father figure, but the BF has the right to establish 50% of the rules of the house. He owns half of it and has as much say to the house rules and GA does.
> 
> ...


Bad comparison between landlord and BF. The landlord is not trying to be dad.

I have already stated that I do not believe that they should be living together. That was a bad decision.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> DoF. With all due respect, youn are coming off like a wingnut here.
> 
> Firebelly was right in her initial post. I speak from years of experience.
> 
> ...


So let me get this straight.

First you call me names.....then you go on to tell me something I already know and have been thru MYSELF........that you turned to violence when an AUTHORITY asked you to do what you should be doing........and you STILL think that you have a clue.

I've been in your shoes, I turned violent towards my step father too......but don't think any of what you said is good advice.

EVERY CHILD needs a father figure. Blood or no blood related means NOTHING.

it's MOTHERS responsibility to ENABLE PROPER MAN (not one "she is just ****ing") to be that men. Just because YOUR mom was irresponsible doesn't mean that OP is.

"child should be top priority" is the icing on the cake.

You have no idea what you are talking about. Child is a top priority until PROPER man takes a place as a father role. At that point, after DUE diligence is done by a mother and TIME is invested, Significant other should ALWAYS be a priority.

The issue at hand here is fact that OP refuses to make him one. And he is lashing out because of it (I believe).


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> Sammy, you do bring up a good point. Yes, there had been kicking and screaming. It has been hard to try and change into better people (I.e. really cleaning up after ourselves and staying on top of stuff.) None of us were filthy people, but we weren't exactly neat freaks either. My son did say that he hopes we don't go back to the way we were, he likes it better this way (as do I) and that he knows it was the bf that brought out this positive change.
> 
> But it seems that bf isn't happy with our efforts, he openly admits that we are all showing tremendous improvement, but he wants more. He wants to not have to "remind" us to do things, he wants us to do them automatically. While there are some things we all do that eay (chores that are specifically assigned to us) sonetimes we just plain don't see things the way he does. A stack of papers doesn't ring warning bells for me, but drives him nuts. I will do something with them if he asks, but I feel like he is expecting too much to expect us to have the exact same mindframe as him. We can't read his mind.


This sounds so much like my ex. No matter what effort we put in, it was never good enough. It is one of the reasons I've thought never living with anyone ever again sounds kind of appealing. 

My ex and I married when he was 36. He'd never had a long term relationship before me. He had been in the military and then lived by himself. He was the baby of his family. He never learned how to compromise or consider other people's needs or opinions. And honestly, I think his resentment about feeling like a third wheel and us not keeping the house the way he wanted it led to resentment that made him keep his sex life to himself. (i.e. masturbating instead of having sex with me.) 

The fact that your BF is willing to go to counselling is a really good sign in my mind and I think you should run with that.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

And...your son sounds like a dream. Good job on the parenting GA.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> And...your son sounds like a dream. Good job on the parenting GA.


EVERY mother will tell you their kid is a dream and perfect.

But we all know MOST kids are not, actually quite the opposite.



I have great kids, they have responsibilities, and do them without complaining.....get up by themselves....do great in school and all of that, and a bag of chips .....with the dip.

I'm telling you that my kids are EXTREMELY ****ty on REGULAR basis as well.



ANY kid = guilty until proven innocent!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

This kid's crime was putting an empty coke can in his waste basket. I would not put that in the extremely sh*tty category. In fact, I think it's awesome that the thing actually ended up in the waste basket. That would be progress in my house.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> This kid's crime was putting an empty coke can in his waste basket. I would not put that in the extremely sh*tty category.


It doesn't matter. Rules of the house are rules of the house.

And I'm assuming OP's kid is FAR from perfect and does other things wrong as well. After all, he IS a human being.

Just like her boyfriend, FAR FAR from perfect.

Bottom line, kid needs to respect and go by WHATEVER rules are set by the owners/authority.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> This kid's crime was putting an empty coke can in his waste basket. I would not put that in the extremely sh*tty category. In fact, I think it's awesome that the thing actually ended up in the waste basket. That would be progress in my house.


Of course not that specific example, but I've been around enough kids, and I'm sure you have too, to know exactly what he's talking about. Even the best of them cop the attitude from time to time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Yes, we are sexually incompatible. But he is going in to talk to the doctor about his test results next tuesday. He is trying (although I've had to nag him about it.)
> 
> I just mentioned family counseling to him and he jumped all over it, even said he would pay half.
> 
> ...


There should BE NO struggle where your loyalties lie, your priority is the well being of your kids. Always.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> There should BE NO struggle where your loyalties lie, your priority is the well being of your kids. Always.


And good luck finding "someone special" with above.

Let's flip the script ladies.

Would you EVER date a man that would have their kids as #1 priority in life FOREVER?

:scratchhead:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Bad comparison between landlord and BF. The landlord is not trying to be dad.
> 
> I have already stated that I do not believe that they should be living together. That was a bad decision.


But it's not.

You have 2 different issues here.

You have parenting the child, which the BF shouldn't be a part of except for serving as a good adult male role model (which he's failing miserably at).

Then you have running the household. This is the problem. The BF has 50% say in this component. And it gets murky because there are things that are parenting (discipline, helping with problems etc) and then there are household issues (soda cans in the trash). The BF has every right to ask that soda cans not be left in a bedroom trash...when I was growing up, you wouldn't have found soda cans in the trash...because we weren't allowed to have soda in our bedrooms (sugary substances and ants and bugs etc.)

The problem is, quite often, the lines of running of the household and parenting lines cross. Which is why live in BF/GF's dont work too well with people who have kids in the picture. Not always of course, but often.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Of course not that specific example, but I've been around enough kids, and I'm sure you have too, to know exactly what he's talking about. Even the best of them cop the attitude from time to time.


Yeeep

And it doesn't even have to do with "authority" or "rule" thing. By default, kids can be difficult by nature.

This guy explains it best...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> So let me get this straight.
> 
> First you call me names.....then you go on to tell me something I already know and have been thru MYSELF........that you turned to violence when an AUTHORITY asked you to do what you should be doing........and you STILL think that you have a clue.
> 
> ...


My mom's BF was not my authority and he kept trying to impose his will on me. If GAs BF messed with her son hard enough to make him cry, that would have been past my line.

A BF is NOT a father figure. The BF in question is not even a step dad. He was introduced late in her son's development and imposed on a life already well into development.

I don't think they need to break up, just not live together.

Trying not to get into the psychology of it here, GA needs to get some family counseling for that.

You can't go get a BF and then impose him on your teen kids, living together, and not have big conflict and resentment like this. It is very common.

I was also giving a teen boy's POV on a mom's BF. To him, the BF may well just be the guy his mom is sleeping with.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Of course not that specific example, but I've been around enough kids, and I'm sure you have too, to know exactly what he's talking about. Even the best of them cop the attitude from time to time.


Of course. I have raised three. I know from an attitude. But having raised one in particular that has given me a lot of grief, her son really sounds generally like a good kid. They manipulate sometimes but that doesn't mean we should never consider their feelings in our decisions.

I realize that BF's reaction to the coke can was probably a build-up of frustration and we are all mostly just projecting from our own experience, but my ex was the same way. And his frustration was, in part, because he didn't understand how hard it is to get other human beings to change their behavior. He expected all of us to just change over night BECAUSE HE SAID SO. Um...A) that's not how humans work. And B) the fact that you have given no consideration to the fact that our existing habits may actually work for us just creates resentment in us that actually makes us want to rebel against what you want us to do.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GA,
Sugar drinks will cause roaches so it was a logical rule and your son needs to follow it but you should be the one to enforce it with your kids rather than BF. If BF jumped in too quick then it's his fault but if he jumped in because you wouldn't then it's yours.

Your 17 year old is on the brink of adult hood. Anyone wanting to debate that can ask Uncle Sam and our armed forces. 

I agree with one of the other early post that you propped up this thread with a lot of passive aggressive bashing of your BF and how he gets his feelings hurt and has tantrums. 

So separate the issues here. You have to make your almost grown son follow house rules. Your BF and you have to try to come to agreement of house rules. BF has things to work on and I'm sure you do too.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> There should BE NO struggle where your loyalties lie, your priority is *the well being of your kids*. Always.


I agree, but that does not mean always putting them first.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> But it's not.
> 
> You have 2 different issues here.
> 
> ...


The landlord is not sleeping with mom and telling him what he can have in his trash can.

I agree about house rules, they just don't need to be sharing a place together.

I agree with you on your other points.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Caveat: I do not have children.

1) Your BF is extremely immature. Throwing his dinner in the backyard? Really? 3 years ago, I FINALLY left a 12-year physically abusive relationship with my live-in BF. Throwing things is how it starts. Your description of him gave me chills because it's very similar to my exBF.

2) Even though your BF is not your son's father, he is an adult. And he deserves respect, especially in his own (shared) home. I think your son was disrespectful in his response.

3) You and your BF need to sit down and agree to house rules that are to be followed. Then present a united front with those rules and dole out consequences when those rules are broken.

ETA:

4) The fact that BF is LD and you had sex TWICE after the fight is a huge red flag IMO. It makes me wonder if a) he gets off on conflict and/or b) is using sex as a way to keep you from tossing him to the curb, both of which are not good.

Best of luck. And I mean that. I fear for your future with this man.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Maybe I am overreacting. This is not the first time I have had issues with his immature outbursts though. I don't like drama (how often is it that the man is dramatic and the woman not so much? LOL!)
> 
> I LOVE the man and he is a GOOD man. But yes, I don't know if I can handle the drama. I know people fight and argue and such, and that's fine. But I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle this drama or not. He admits that he is very "my way or the highway." Maybe my biggest problem is that we have all tried to change to fit into this mold he has made for us. We never really were a big "bond over food" type of family. I have tried to explain that to him, but it seems we are never "good enough" to keep him happy. I have told him to quit trying so hard. He is kinda being a martyr. YES, we are all appreciative of what he does and YES, my kids always eat what is placed before them. But when the BF flat out asks us if we liked it, and the is answer is, "It was ok, I didn't care for the flavor" which turns into him pouting?? How is that for blowing things out of proportion?
> 
> And also, my son was hiding in his room crying. He DID NOT come to find me, he was embarassed for his reaction and was trying to hide. I went to check on him. I have seen that kid cry 3 times in the past 4 years.......the other night, when his dog died, and when I told him his father and I were getting a divorce. I DO know that kid. We are pretty close, but I do give him his space. He was acting like a little brat when the BF and I first got togeher (you may look up my old posts if you wish) but we worked through it.


BF has to change his approach if he wants credibility because outbursts and pouting over won't at all. Having rules and structure though is a good thing for most kids your son's age. It's the time most kids confuse their age of being capable as meaning that they are independence. Anyway they start rebelling because they think rules means that they are being treated like little kids. In reality house rules doesn't have an age limit though.

At the end of the day if BF doesn't act in a respectable way then your son will not have any respect for him but house rules still have to be followed. It's quite is bit more difficult than it seems because there's a good guy / bad guy dynamic at play. But you're the only one who is in the middle and able to fix it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

One other thing GA - I'm guessing you're from the south and him "cussing" your kid may be an extreme disrespect where you're from. My ex was a former Marine. Every other word that came out of his mouth was the "F" word. I didn't like it, but I never took it as "disrespectful." Just an annoying, and sometimes funny, habit.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> My mom's BF was not my authority and he kept trying to impose his will on me. If GAs BF messed with her son hard enough to make him cry, that would have been past my line.
> 
> A BF is NOT a father figure. The BF in question is not even a step dad. He was introduced late in her son's development and imposed on a life already well into development.


BF IS and SHOULD be a father figure. Step dad is irrelevant, that's just a label based on legal status (which is worthless).

EVERY kid NEEDS a father figure!!!

You should know this if you didn't have one!!!



ConanHub said:


> I don't think they need to break up, just not live together.
> 
> Trying not to get into the psychology of it here, GA needs to get some family counseling for that.
> 
> ...


I was too, and am telling you my view is opposite of yours. 

And back when I used to beat up my step dad, I WISH he was strong enough to beat my ass and set me straight..*.cause I needed it!!!*

I didn't realize it then, but I do now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think there's lots of blame to be shared. Chiming in as a parent to two teenagers who's SO just moved in...

First, your son. There's rules, and he seems to be a bit loose in how he follows them. The pop one has a logical reason for it. So he needs to abide by the rules that exist in the house. 

Your BF... He blew it big time. He doesn't understand the compromises necessary to merge households together. He also needs to control his temper. How long was he on his own before you started up with him?

And you... You need to be the buffer in between. You need to agree to the rules that you and your BF decide on, and you need to enforce them with your kids. But if you don't agree with them and just go along as casually as the kids do, of course they're going to push the boundaries. And this is where the whole "us vs. him" thing is coming from. 

So if you want to keep the household together, I'd suggest family counseling, as well as potentially anger management for your BF. You can effectively ARE a family unit, even if you haven't formalized the bond between you and your BF. But the counseling may give you all the tools you need to negotiate the required compromises. 

Personally, I suspect the BF is not going to bend enough to make this work, and combined with the sex issues, would be enough to be a deal breaker for me. But that decision is up to you. 

Btw... My SO is much more of a neat freak than I am, but we just clean together, so it hasn't been an issue. Yet. But she only moved in last month. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> The kid will grow up and have his own life and be gone is a year and a half. I am a realist, I am not the type to want to hold onto my youngin forever, I"m not a "helicopter parent," I'm not overbearing or sheltering. But it IS my job to protect him. BUT I love my BF and KNOW that we need to be partners. I know that he needs to be my priority and we need to be a team, and I told him as much.
> 
> HAVING SAID THAT......the BF was DEAD WRONG to have cussed my child. I told BOTH of them that night that the BF's feelings were valid and that he is entitled to them, but he handled it WRONGLY, which he completely admits to. Even my son agreed that his feelings were valid.


I really like what you said here GA. It is a balancing act of protected and preparing. Be glad this is your oldest son because when this type of conflict comes up, it's darn near impossible to find the right balance if you have empty nest weighing in as well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> BF has to change his approach if he wants credibility because outbursts and pouting over won't at all. Having rules and structure though is a good thing for most kids your son's age. It's the time most kids confuse their age of being capable as meaning that they are independence. Anyway they start rebelling because they think rules means that they are being treated like little kids. In reality house rules doesn't have an age limit though.
> 
> At the end of the day *if BF doesn't act in a respectable way then your son will not have any respect for him* but house rules still have to be followed. It's quite is bit more difficult than it seems because there's a good guy / bad guy dynamic at play. But you're the only one who is in the middle and able to fix it.


This right here. One of the things my wife told me straight out when we started dating, that by default, I would have a tough hill to climb with her kids. They hadn't liked any of the guys she had dated, and really didn't like the LTR guy who had lived with them.

I knew quite a lot about the dynamics of her previous relationships, and I did act from the very beginning as a father figure in the sense that I showed their mother kindness, respect, love. I earned their respect by my actions. I am closer now to my step daughter than her own father. We introduce each other as dad and daughter. It's just easier that way.

My point is, I had to earn the respect I have.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> There should BE NO struggle where your loyalties lie, your priority is the well being of your kids. Always.


I agree with this. The question is what's best for your kids. A lot of people would take their kids side in arguments thinking that's how they have their kids backs. But taking sides is too simple. In this case for instance, BF was wrong for blowing up, son was wrong for not following house rules, and GA may have been wrong for knowing BF had asked this repeatedly and not having handled it. It's critical that her son understands the part of this that he is accountable for. That's how we prepare our kids. Following rules is how we keep the privilege of driving and keep jobs and such.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My responses have been in direct correlation to GAs post.

This man does not come off as loving and sacrificing. He does not come off as easy to respect.

I want to beat his idiot ass for throwing dinner in the back yard!

Yes. I am sure the kids feel really safe around this "wonderful" man.

Come on folks. Shows of force, the tantrum, have no good response but to leave or forcefully confront. The BF used a bully tactic on people who are supposed to be important to him?

This guy does not need to be in the same house as these kids period!

My responses are situation specific, not generalizations.

This BF is over the top. Anyone who has kids knows about attitude. I do not think, in this situation, that the son was really acting outrageous. The BF is. He does not come off as good or safe for this family.

I hope he moves out, grows up and then maybe he can interact in a more controlled, caring manner with this family.

I have been with my wife for years and we have two grown sons.

I would hope she would have at least packed up the kids and left for a week if I ever did something as asinine as this BF did.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This right here. One of the things my wife told me straight out when we started dating, that by default, I would have a tough hill to climb with her kids. They hadn't liked any of the guys she had dated, and really didn't like the LTR guy who had lived with them.
> 
> I knew quite a lot about the dynamics of her previous relationships, and I did act from the very beginning as a father figure in the sense that I showed their mother kindness, respect, love. I earned their respect by my actions. I am closer now to my step daughter than her own father. We introduce each other as dad and daughter. It's just easier that way.
> 
> My point is, I had to earn the respect I have.


I'm guessing that your wife knew to be the bad guy and discipline so you wouldn't have to. It's very difficult any other way.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I'm guessing that your wife knew to be the bad guy and discipline so you wouldn't have to. It's very difficult any other way.


She and I would talk privately about things and come to agreements. She was the front man in anything with the kids, but it was always a united front between her and I. Not just in actions, but her words..."Sam and I..." They were never given a chance or a reason to become a wedge.

ETA: This was something we actually discussed at my request before moving in together...how we would handle issues with the kids. We both easily agreed that she would have to be the authority figure. We ironed out the house rules between ourselves. We came to an agreement so there would not be any differing standards between her and I.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> BF IS and SHOULD be a father figure. Step dad is irrelevant, that's just a label based on legal status (which is worthless).
> 
> EVERY kid NEEDS a father figure!!!
> 
> ...


Dude. You and I are talking about almost two different situations. Just because a woman dates a man does not make him worthy of respect. Maybe your stepdad was worthy of respect and you were just out of control.

That was not my situation and it is not this situation.

My mom did not pick a "winner". I was mature enough to realize that he made her feel good but he was in no way my dad and I would obey my mother and love her and protect her and everything else a teenage son should do for his mother, but I had no respect for her BF. He just thought that since he had sex with my mom that I should just snap to and do what he wanted me to. My mom and I already had chores and responsibilities covered and I told her that I was fine with her BF as long as he did not try to impose himself on me. She agreed. I accepted him in our life, just not as my dad.

He disregarded my mom's wishes and tried to impose his will on me when she was gone twice. He actually tried to ground me as soon as she walked out the door for not doing something his way that was never agreed to by my mom or myself.

You might really believe that just because a woman has sex with some guy that he has rights to her children. You and I will forever disagree on that one.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Just because a woman dates a man does not make him worthy of respect. Maybe your stepdad was worthy of respect and you were just out of control.


:iagree:

Completely agree with CH on this. Slight threadjack here, but what if Mom's new BF is physically abusive to her and an alcoholic/drug user? 

DoF, is the son still supposed to look up to him as a FATHER FIGURE?! Because ALL kids need father figures and he just happens to be around?

"Oh well, might as well look up to the woman-beater/druggie since he's the only guy around to fill the father-figure role."

I fail to see the logic in this. :scratchhead:


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> She and I would talk privately about things and come to agreements. She was the front man in anything with the kids, but it was always a united front between her and I. Not just in actions, but her words..."Sam and I..." They were never given a chance or a reason to become a wedge.
> 
> ETA: This was something we actually discussed at my request before moving in together...how we would handle issues with the kids. We both easily agreed that she would have to be the authority figure. We ironed out the house rules between ourselves. We came to an agreement so there would not be any differing standards between her and I.


This is the way to do it. Talk about how to address parenting before you move into together. Agree on the rules for real and don't just pay them lip service. (I was guilty of that.) And...bio parent is the front man. At least with teens. I suspect that if kids are small when the stepparent moves in the power dynamic might be reasonably different.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Dude. You and I are talking about almost two different situations. Just because a woman dates a man does not make him worthy of respect. Maybe your stepdad was worthy of respect and you were just out of control.
> 
> That was not my situation and it is not this situation.
> 
> ...


No, I never said above.

Everything in my response is in relation to OP's situation, not yours.

Again, do NOT give advice based on YOUR situation/your mom. I already told you that.

And her boyfriend HAS earned respect and has been WITH OP for extended period of time IF they are living together.

Regardless, KIDS NEED FATHER FIGURE (blood or no blood). ESPECIALLY teenage boys!!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> My mom did not pick a "winner". I was mature enough to realize that he made her feel good but he was in no way my dad and I would obey my mother and love her and protect her and everything else a teenage son should do for his mother, but I had no respect for her BF. He just thought that since he had sex with my mom that I should just snap to and do what he wanted me to. My mom and I already had chores and responsibilities covered and I told her that I was fine with her BF as long as he did not try to impose himself on me. She agreed. I accepted him in our life, just not as my dad.
> 
> He disregarded my mom's wishes and tried to impose his will on me when she was gone twice. He actually tried to ground me as soon as she walked out the door for not doing something his way that was never agreed to by my mom or myself.
> 
> You might really believe that just because a woman has sex with some guy that he has rights to her children. You and I will forever disagree on that one.


What happened when she returned and he told her about it?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> She and I would talk privately about things and come to agreements. She was the front man in anything with the kids, but it was always a united front between her and I. Not just in actions, but her words..."Sam and I..." They were never given a chance or a reason to become a wedge.
> 
> ETA: This was something we actually discussed at my request before moving in together...how we would handle issues with the kids. We both easily agreed that she would have to be the authority figure. We ironed out the house rules between ourselves. We came to an agreement so there would not be any differing standards between her and I.


OP, I highly suggest you take above advice seriously or even reach out by PM to samyeagar....

He not only did it and has experience, but clearly he did it RIGHT.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

1. Rules were set

2. All accepted the rules

3. Son smarting off for BF calling him on it was out of line

4. BF resulting outbursts WAY far out of line. 


Son could have easily been handled given your description of him as "your disrespect is not welcomed given family agreement of rules in the house. I don't appreciate you popping off at me and will expect an apology after you finish taking care of the cans the way you agreed that you would. Honor your committment 1st and we can talk later." Then leave it alone.

BF on the other hand has emotional regulation issues. These events have revealed that to you. How long have y'all been together and how many kids are in the house? ages?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> 1. Rules were set
> 
> 2. All accepted the rules
> 
> ...


Fixed


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

DoF said:


> Fixed


Don't get ahead of me


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> No, I never said above.
> 
> Everything in my response is in relation to OP's situation, not yours.
> 
> ...


If you think a Bf that cusses a kid out and throws dinner in the back yard deserves respect, then you and I are on different worlds and they will never meet.

I will keep my responses outside of yours on this issue as I believe us to be alien to each other as far as this situation goes.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And the complete opposite opinions on this thread alone are what I am dealing with in my head.

Yes, the BF has emotion regulation issues. He is currently in therapy, but for an unrealted issue (past drug abuse....clean 8 years, 100% clean now.....EXTREME deal breaker for me if he wasn't.) I have seen how he can handle himself when he is not to the "boiling point," and he does well 90% of the time. But he does get to the boiling point (obviously) and then comes temper tantrums. And I can call them "losing his temper" or somesuch, but bottom line is I can almost see the regression from grown man into child right before my eyes. It's hard to explain unless you have seen it. He had some abuse in his childhood (not his parents), and I can't help but think that might have something to do with it.

Yes, he has children of his own, but is a victim of parental alienation and does not get to see them much. Yes, I have spoken with his ex alone on numerous occasions in which she said he was a good father (the alienation is stemming from HER issues with his past drug abuse, and she fully admitted that to me.) It's a whole strange dynamic there. Different issues. But one time that his teenage son did come to stay with us, he kinda blew up on him too. (He has been back since, so the blow up didn't hurt.....long term anyway.) The BF has said that being around my boys fills a hole where his children should be. He is hurting over a lot of things, and usually copes well.

But when the temper tantrums start, there is no telling what might fly. I do not worry that he will become violent, as he does not have a violent past (ex wife, and family members confirmed.) I have been in an abusive relationship before (the kids' father, unfortunately) and WILL NOT be in another one. 

Maybe we shouldn't be living together, but WE ARE. So I can admit to my wrong doings there (if there are any, which I don't think there are) but bottom line is we are here now. I took a good chunk of time to introduce him to my kids, decide to move in, and integrate the two households. I tried to take my kids' feeling into consideration the entire time. (11 and 16, boys) My BF plays board games with them, video games, teaches them to cook, helps them with chores, etc. My oldest does have a job, although he isn't doing too much during the school year.....but over the summer he worked enough to buy himself a car. (No license yet, I'm having to push the issue on that one....he's got no drive to drive. LOL!)

And THANKS for the compliment on my kiddo! I have also raised a problem teenager (he lives with his bio mother now,) and this one is a dream. He is still a teenager, and yes, has attitude sometimes. But it is NOTHING compared to what I have dealt with. 

I think I'm beginning to see that the biggest problems here are:
1. Me. My weakness is lack of consistancy. I know this and try to work on it, but sometimes get sidetracked. (Can't be consistantly working on my consistancy.  )
2. The BF's "bottling up" issues. Like I mentioned before, my kids and I are an honest bunch. We are tactful, but don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer. The BF is a "white liar." He would much rather make someone feel good or whatever than to point out his TRUE feelings. Which sounds good in theory, and may work on acquaintences, but doesn't work well with family. So he needs to get to the bottom of why he bottles stuff up and DO SOMETHING about it before he blows. Because I will not put up with it.
3. My kiddo needs to know that he has to behave or suffer consequences. He doesn't really have any consequences, because frankly I've never had the need for them on him. (My younger one, yes.) This is something again that I have to work on.

He is excited about counseling, and I have seen it work in my life and his. I'm hoping the boys (who will kick and scream) can benefit from it too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> What happened when she returned and he told her about it?


I actually just remembered a third time. The first times she probably chewed him out. I did not stick around to hear what went on between them as it was their relationship, not mine.

She apologized to me. At one point I left to live with my grandparents, my grandfather was a father figure to me and the best man I have ever known. I wanted my mom to be happy but this guy just would not grow up and love my mom and leave me alone. He had to have control over my life when he in no way, shape or form contributed to my life.

After the second time I kicked his ass, for screaming at my little sister and calling her a b!tch for eating some left over macaroni n cheese, she snapped out of it and left him.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And no, I am not breaking up with him.....yet. I made up my mind. Now I just need to figure out a way to try and help repair the relationship between the two of them. They were pretty close before this. Although the BF got on son's nerves from time to time over the same stuff.....the bottling up and then blowing. Or the pouting. But again, that perhaps is my issue to fix. If I have been alienating my BF, I have not meant to.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GA Heart - check all the threads by women with husbands who tend to have aggressive outbursts once in a while, and are hard to please in general, pouting about small stuff. This will not improve. 

Then check all the threads about HD/LD - you have LD now, you will have hardly any sex few years from now. He can try now, but at one point he will start resenting you, and you will start resenting him. If it's not in him, you cannot change it. He is simply more motivated now. Check doobie, richardsharpe, see how unhappy they are.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Wanda, I really like your signature line. It's a good one. 

I do not wish to be unhappy. These issues right here are the main reasons why we have not gotten married yet. I can leave eaiser if I need to (yes, even with a house involved.) I am not ready to throw in the towel on this relationship quite yet, although I have added to my deal breaker list. Blow up like that on my kid(s) again, and he's OUT.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GA HEART,

Do you have a job? Do you contribute financially to the rent/mortgage, food, utilities, etc?

What % of your joint income do you earn if you have a job?


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Now I just need to figure out a way to try and help repair the relationship between the two of them. They were pretty close before this.


How you are planning to do this? 16 years old teenager boys are rebellious in nature particularly against imposed relationships. I am guessing your son naturally going to hold big grudge against your BF. His crying episode was probably embarrassing for him which amplifies that grudge, In my opinion you shouldn't try to force this issue. Your son needs space from your BF irrespective of how you decides to handle relationship with BF.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> I think I'm beginning to see that the biggest problems here are:
> 1. Me. My weakness is lack of consistancy. I know this and try to work on it, but sometimes get sidetracked. (Can't be consistantly working on my consistancy.  )
> 
> *I have been terrible about consistency too in my kids' lives and as has been alluded to, that's a real problem if you are the bio parent who is supposed to be the front man. Your BF might see that as not backing him up. Be honest with yourself about this. Are you even in part inconsistent because you don't agree with the rules? Are you going along with the rules to make peace at all with BF? If you truly agree and it's just a consistency problem, really try to work on that. But if you are inconsistent because you don't agree, you and BF need to come to real agreement before you impose the rules. *
> ...


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

True Wanda, yes. The BF is leaving for the weekend, so that should help. I will not force anything, never have. If it had been just me, I would have moved in with the BF 6 months before we did. But because the boys needed to warm up to it, I took those 6 months to just live there on weekends. That worked well and things had been getting better with the kids and accepting all this since we moved in (don't know how its going to change now.) We have been living there full time since May.

Yes, Ele, I work full time. Have worked since I met my BF. Originally I made more than he did, but he has since gotten a promotion and a raise and makes more than I do. I was contibuting about 90% to the household, but since I've been having issues with child support, I now only contribute about 75%.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

YES, Firebelly, yes. Both of those. I do not agree with all his rules. We have tried to talk about it, but have yet to come up with a solid compromise. We need to do that. He did admit that he thinks he expects too much from us. And yes, consequenses need to be figured out too.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I have experienced an almost identical situation to GAs son.
> 
> The first time the guy who was fvcking my mom, because that is all he is when you are a teenager, tried to lay down his law with me, I did him a favor and left for the day. The chores HE wanted me to do left undone.
> 
> ...



I am assuming that OPs "Like" of the above post from Conanhub means that she agrees with the content. This actually says a lot. Her son is of paramount importance and the BF comes a very distant second if at all. 

OP is not in alignment with her BF in terms of her family or even in the running of the household. Needing conscious effort to express appreciation means it only superficially resembles appreciation. The fact that she mentions appreciation in detail at the beginning of this thread is probably the resentment simmering just underneath it. The BF probably feels this which is why it's not working out. 

Stuff like this one of the reasons why eligible men generally avoid single moms like the plague. Before scorn is poured on me, I come from a broken home too so I am just as "qualified" as some of the other posters here. 

Anyway. OP should just leave her BF if she is not on the same page as him and cannot or will not compromise. For some reason, OP is not acting on her instinct, which is he is not part of the family and never will be. Since sex is also a spanner in the works, it begs to question her motivations for entering into & staying in this relationship. Security & resources perhaps? This is simply how it looks.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I actually just remembered a third time. The first times she probably chewed him out. I did not stick around to hear what went on between them as it was their relationship, not mine.
> 
> She apologized to me. At one point I left to live with my grandparents, my grandfather was a father figure to me and the best man I have ever known. I wanted my mom to be happy but this guy just would not grow up and love my mom and leave me alone. He had to have control over my life when he in no way, shape or form contributed to my life.
> 
> After the second time I kicked his ass, for screaming at my little sister and calling her a b!tch for eating some left over macaroni n cheese, she snapped out of it and left him.


It's good that your granddad was there. Maybe you're mom's bf got what he deserved. I'd like to think he's the exception to the rule and that most step parents and parents with a step are trying but just don't know what to do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GA Heart... 

You've got an Adult Child and Recovering Addict just like my H. Though my H is not addicted to a substance but an emotion, almost making it more difficult since it is more abstract than a substance. 

These issues are complex. 

The silver lining is IF this guy is still doing his work you can end up with a guy who is very self aware, owns his crap and learns to effectively manage his emotional regulation which is broken. (I recommend ACOA for him if he hasn't already done it.) 

BUT... at what cost and is he willing?

Good for him is is 12 years sober, but it really makes me wonder on some things... Just like you do for me... I hope you and your kids are safe. 

It is VERY reasonable to consider the fitness of this man in relation to your children AND in relation to yourself. I know you have given it time. By default there is NO ONE else who can or will assess the fitness of your BF *but you* for your kids. And it's certainly your job as it would be for him if the roles were reversed. And outbursts ALWAYS wound. The wounds are just hidden. So don't justify staying with him on that things "seem" ok with him and his son. 

I would be looking at 

Size of the anger
Frequency of the anger
Responsiveness of the anger

Do you feel all of these would improve if you guys understood him better and worked to make him more inclusive OR are you guys walking around on eggshells so much that you are scared to make a move?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> Sammy, you do bring up a good point. Yes, there had been kicking and screaming. It has been hard to try and change into better people (I.e. really cleaning up after ourselves and staying on top of stuff.) None of us were filthy people, but we weren't exactly neat freaks either. My son did say that he hopes we don't go back to the way we were, he likes it better this way (as do I) and that he knows it was the bf that brought out this positive change.
> 
> *But it seems that bf isn't happy with our efforts,* he openly admits that we are all showing tremendous improvement, but he wants more. *He wants to not have to "remind" us to do things, he wants us to do them automatically.* While there are some things we all do that eay (chores that are specifically assigned to us) sonetimes we just plain don't see things the way he does. A stack of papers doesn't ring warning bells for me, but drives him nuts. I will do something with them if he asks, but I feel like he is expecting too much to expect us to have the exact same mindframe as him. We can't read his mind.


One of the things that might be happening here is that your BF is not only being your son's father but yours too. It's not a partner's place to have to teach you and remind you to keep the house to their expectation. While it's good that he wants the house super neat/clean it's your house too. You get to decide the level of cleanliness too.

It's one thing for you and the BF to be teaching/coaching your sons to be more tidy, after all that's a parent's job. But the BF doing this to you could cause relationship problems.

You seem to be putting a lot of effort into fitting into what your BF expects. How much effort is he putting into fitting into your expectations. Is he changing himself for this relationship as much as you are? Anywhere near as much as you are?

There is a chance that this is part of why he has become more LD after you moved in together. You seem to see him a lot like a father figure to YOU. If he feels the same way it could kill his sexual interest in you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> And no, I am not breaking up with him.....yet. I made up my mind. *Now I just need to figure out a way to try and help repair the relationship between the two of them.* They were pretty close before this. Although the BF got on son's nerves from time to time over the same stuff.....the bottling up and then blowing. Or the pouting. But again, that perhaps is my issue to fix. If I have been alienating my BF, I have not meant to.


You can help fix the dynamic and that's the most influence you have regarding their relationship. It's on them to repair their relationship / friendship / etc or not though. You can't take owner of that.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Pufferfish said:


> I am assuming that OPs "Like" of the above post from Conanhub means that she agrees with the content. This actually says a lot. Her son is of paramount importance and the BF comes a very distant second if at all.
> 
> OP is not in alignment with her BF in terms of her family or even in the running of the household. Needing conscious effort to express appreciation means it only superficially resembles appreciation. The fact that she mentions appreciation in detail at the beginning of this thread is probably the resentment simmering just underneath it. The BF probably feels this which is why it's not working out.
> 
> ...


I "liked" it because I appreciated his input. Read the rest of the thread. I am not trying to be a bad partner, promise.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> It's good that your granddad was there. Maybe you're mom's bf got what he deserved. I'd like to think he's the exception to the rule and that most step parents and parents with a step are trying but just don't know what to do.


I think it does work in some circumstances. But not with a man that wants everyone to conform to him and cusses a kid and throws dinner in the grass!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I"m off for the weekend, please keep up the commentary if applicable. I have appreciated each and every one of your input. I may print this off and show it to him. LOL!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> YES, Firebelly, yes. Both of those. I do not agree with all his rules. We have tried to talk about it, but have yet to come up with a solid compromise. We need to do that. He did admit that he thinks he expects too much from us. And yes, consequenses need to be figured out too.


Some of the rules are about habits. It's really difficult for people to change a bunch of habits at once and it's really time and energy consuming for you, as a parent, to monitor the change in habit. So maybe you could agree on a set of behaviors that you'd like to see change over time but choose the most important three in the short term to focus on. And don't let consequences be the primary behavior modification method - rely on techniques like phone alarms, notes on the wall, etc. 

This was part of my problem - I agreed that the behaviors he wanted to see out of the kids were good ones - I just didn't know how I was going to get them to throw their wrappers away if I wasn't physically with them all the time. And I didn't have the energy to address that habit AND loading the dishwasher "correctly" AND folding their clothes "correctly" etc. all at the same time.

AND, maybe most important in my situation, my ex wasn't willing to have a discussion about how to strategize all of that. He was of the opinion that since he decreed it to be so, it should just happen.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> I"m off for the weekend, please keep up the commentary if applicable. I have appreciated each and every one of your input. I may print this off and show it to him. LOL!


Excellent idea!:smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> Yes, Ele, I work full time. Have worked since I met my BF. Originally I made more than he did, but he has since gotten a promotion and a raise and makes more than I do. I was contibuting about 90% to the household, but since I've been having issues with child support, I now only contribute about 75%.


I asked that question because of posts on here saying that you and your children should be thankful that your BF took you into HIS house and that he provides food.

I guess those things are not valid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GA HEART,

When we were seeing a family counselor because of similar problems with blending two families with children, we were told that it takes about 5 years for a blended family to become one unit.

It sounds like your BF does not realize this and is impatient. I get it. I was impatient too. But it did take about 5 years for us.

Like some others, I'm concerned about the angry outbursts, criticisms, food throwing and other antics by your BF. Comments of his like he's expecting too much from you and your sons is really a veiled putdown. Generally this type of behavior gets worse over time.

Often times a person who has been in a physically abusive relationship learns to avoid physical abuse in future relationships. But they do not learn to avoid emotional abuse. I'm wondering if you are experiencing this.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> EVERY mother will tell you their kid is a dream and perfect.
> 
> But we all know MOST kids are not, actually quite the opposite.
> 
> ...


I feel sorry for your kids!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I asked that question because of posts on here saying that you and your children should be thankful that your BF took you into HIS house and that he provides food.
> 
> I guess those things are not valid.


If I recall correctly from one of her other threads, she provided the down payment for the new house they are in.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Workathome said:


> I feel sorry for your kids!


I think they are lucky.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I had to pop in here and give an update. Picked my son up after school and he said that he doesn't hold grudges and wasn't really even mad anymore. They held a normal conversation without apparent awkwardness. I did tell him that he needed to speak to the bf (before we got home) if he was spoken to, even if it is to say you aren't in the mood to talk. I am very relieved. Still moving forward. Hopefully this is a growing point instead of a closure point.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> I had to pop in here and give an update. Picked my son up after school and he said that he doesn't hold grudges and wasn't really even mad anymore. They held a normal conversation without apparent awkwardness. I did tell him that he needed to speak to the bf (before we got home) if he was spoken to, even if it is to say you aren't in the mood to talk. I am very relieved. Still moving forward. Hopefully this is a growing point instead of a closure point.


So he IS a normal teenager


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I had to pop in here and give an update. Picked my son up after school and he said that he doesn't hold grudges and wasn't really even mad anymore. They held a normal conversation without apparent awkwardness. I did tell him that he needed to speak to the bf (before we got home) if he was spoken to, even if it is to say you aren't in the mood to talk. I am very relieved. Still moving forward. Hopefully this is a growing point instead of a closure point.


Mature kid.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think this is a simple case of tensions boiling over. Should the bf have cussed the kid and thrown his dinner out the back? Of course not, very childish. Should the kid have followed the house rules and done his bit? Of course he should - and he shouldn't have mouthed off at the bf, but he's a teenager, we did it in our day and they do it today.

I'm stepmum to my husbands daughter. Granted, she's only 10, I met her when she was 6. I'm a very active, involved step mum (with her mother's support and blessing) and discipline her as much, if not more than her father does - purely because I'm home with her, he's at work. She loves and respects me and we have a great relationship, but had she been a teenager when I came into her life, my role would have been very different. She would still have had to follow our house rules though.

GA, I think your bf is trying too hard, and your son is probably being a little slack with doing his bit. My husband and I had similar issues when I moved in - he's a clean freak and I'm not, lol. It took a lot of compromising but I now try to notice things a bit more that need doing and he tries to let things go a bit...we've reached a happy medium - most of the time.

You and your boys aren't the only ones who need to compromise here, your bf does too. Is he trying to do that?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> But that's my whole rub, I"m trying to do what's BEST for my kids (and me too.)
> 
> Is having a father figure worth putting up with the outbursts? He has cussed at me during fights too. I don't let it bother me, but I am older and recognize a temper tantrum when I see one.


I don't know the complete situation from what you just describe, but you do seem like a woman that makes a lot of excuses. 

I've also read your last post where you mention he was a ex-convict(You say drugs in one post then say it is a white collar crime) and making up for the past, him not being attracted because of your weight gain of 15 lbs(as compared to his 45lbs).

Another one that stuck out to me was the player techniques you described in this post Guys who do that are usually not good news. Add that to his criminal history, I don't think it is good news. 

Again, could be valid but to me sounds like you are trying really hard to continue the denial. The same theme seems to be repeating in all your posts. Deluded optimism ?(or not) Or is is denial and trying everything to make the relationship work ?

Ok, even more digging into your older threads(I am opening your older threads as I type this), looks like you were in ****ty relationships all through your life. 

You are just continuing the theme, of course, it is a different kind of ****ty relationship this time. 

Can you tell me a bit about the finances ? How much do you guys earn ? Not the exact numbers, but can you tell me a bit about the financial equation ?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

You are THAT parent. You are THAT woman. The one who moves in with her "boyfriend" while she has children living at home. A kid who is still recovering from going through divorce. Personally, I think you should forget the "BF" and focus on yourself and your son.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I just got out of a marriage where my husband was stepdad to my teenage kids. He experienced the same thing - felt like a third wheel. And my kids, in the end, hated him because of his way of dealing with them. Of all the things that caused the downfall of our marriage, this was the biggest one, and it ended up causing a rift in my relationship with my kids that we still haven't recovered from.
> 
> A therapist of mine said once that a stepparent, especially when they come in when the kids are teens, can't hope to be a parent or behave like a parent would. They are more of a "coach." Disciplining should be done by the biological parent. So, if the coke cans were a problem it should have been you that said something. But that's only if you agree. And that's a lot of the problem I had with my ex. My kids and I had a certain way of doing things and we were fine with it. And it wasn't acceptable to him and we resented him making us feel crappy about it. And, it was us against him.
> 
> ...


This is spot on and it would be beneficial if more people understood. Unless a child is very young when a new partner enters their life it is not deemed to be in their best interests to force the relationship to be parent/child. The relationship is Step parent/ Step child, the SP is a bonus adult they are NOT the same as a bio parent, they should not punish the child.

You will run the risk of undermining your relationship with your child and that is a risk not worth taking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think that letting this go and trying to sweep it under the rug would be a mistake, btw. But glad that the tension is off for now. For the future, please do consider family counseling. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry to say this, but if you can keep this current place without the bf's help, get rid of him. I bet he never had kids of his own and has been living on his own for a very long time. IMHO, a recipe for disaster. He is immature, and more likely than not an unintentional bad influence on your kids. JMHO.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

ToothFairy said:


> You are THAT parent. You are THAT woman. The one who moves in with her "boyfriend" while she has children living at home. A kid who is still recovering from going through divorce. Personally, I think you should forget the "BF" and focus on yourself and your son.


Wow, that's kinda harsh.

Any one raising a teenager these days knows the joys and agonies it brings.

To dis GA Heart just because she has a live-in bf and children in the house is saying anyone who gets divorced must resign themselves to a life of singledom until the child moves out.

While I agree she should be the one who does most of the disciplining, there is also no reason why the bf has to become completely quiet over issues arising in the home.

I've read GA Heart's posts and find her to be level headed and genuinely a good person. For that, cut her some slack...


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks Revamped. 

Deluded Optimism......hmmmm.....I can see where this might be me. I try very hard to see the good in people, always have. And yes, it's got me in some pickles. But on the flip side, that's a trait I don't nessesarily want to lose. Perhaps rein in on. But I feel like I have, honestly.

I did date some before I met the BF. Met some good men and met some real losers. The one thing I wanted to make sure of was to find someone who had the same values and optimistic views on life that I do (my ex was a very pessimistic, downer type personality.) My BF is generally an upbeat, happy person. My parents like him, my friends like him (although they were mad about this outburst,) and even my best friend who is very protective of me and was ready to go find a shovel after this incident (ha) has calmed down on him. I showed her this thread and she could see where perhaps I have been unintentionally excluding him, which probably added to the tension. 

I am a person who tries to analyze all angles (which can lead to being wishy washy, and I don't want that.) But I don't want to live my life black and white, because life is anything but. I'm trying to find the balance between forgiving mistakes and when to cut ties and move on.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Oh, and to answer the financial stuff.......I pay for about 75% of the household at the moment, and he pays for extra stuff.....like he covered 100% of our camping trip this weekend (which was a wonderful time!) I feel like our financial arrangement is quite fair, and I have no complaints about it. He is normally generous with taking care of things I have a hard time covering (since my child support issues have come up.)


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Oh, and to answer the financial stuff.......I pay for about 75% of the household at the moment, and he pays for extra stuff.....like he covered 100% of our camping trip this weekend (which was a wonderful time!) I feel like our financial arrangement is quite fair, and I have no complaints about it. He is normally generous with taking care of things I have a hard time covering (since my child support issues have come up.)



Hey Girl...

just a gut feel... this is so vague it feels like denial to me.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Ga Heart, you come across as a woman that HAS TO HAVE a man in her life at all times and at all costs. Is this true? Have you ever had an extended period of time that you did not date or live with a man?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> So they get into it about that. My son brings up "when we lived in our other house (before we moved in with the BF 6 months ago) I changed my garbage when I felt like it."





GA HEART said:


> My BF said he feels like the "third wheel" or the "red headed stepchild" a lot of the time between me and my two boys. And I do understand that his "position" in our unit is hard to define. He is not thier father, he isn't even a step father, but he is not a peer, nor is he really in a position to asset authority. He has tried hard to make us all fit into a mold of "family unit" and does cook for us (he loves to cook, we do not expect it.)
> 
> Advice?



If I understand correctly, you are all living in a home that was originally your Boyfriend's house. If I'm following correctly then I have to ask if the boys understand a couple things. First is that with a change to communal living, some habits need to be adjusted to a group median. I also wonder if they understand that while nobody should feel like a guest in your boyfriends home, that's ultimately what you are. Not that you should feel that way, but it should be kept in mind that it is his home. If you split, you leave. Something my wife an I are having trouble with currently is the damage her animals are causing to the home I had well before we met and how disrespected I feel by that and more importantly, her handling of the situation(or lack of).

About where he fits in things. My daughter had to learn a couple things. My wife came into our lives as my daughter was becoming a teen. She had to adjust to the fact that there was a new adult in the house. When and adult tells you to do something, in their home, you do it. You respect ti and you do it. If it's a problem you can talk with the bio-parent later about and and work it out from there. Health and safety risks aside, of course. But your boyfriend is very much in a step-parent-like role. They could have the most active father ever. They still live with an adult who cares for them on some level as he would his own children whether it's simply providing for them or more. At the very least, he is another adult in the home. The home you moved into.

Certainly not saying he's right and your wrong or anything of the sort. But hoping to offer some things to keep in mind and help add perspective.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Vague as in? I'm not in denial over the financial stuff. I was doing just fine financially on my own with my boys as long as I was getting child support. I was still getting it when we made the decision to buy a house and move in (and yes, I looked at things with only my income as well.) If the BF were to move out, I would have to cut out cable and such, but could manage. Hopefully the child support won't be an issue anymore once the state kicks in with garnishments on the ex. I was just trying to point out that he has stepped up since the child support stopped and has helped cover the things I normally would. "Extras" like the camping trip would normally have been split costs, but he covered my portion too this time. I am happy paying 75% of the house bills since myself and my boys take up (probably more than) 75% of the space and groceries. He has his house bills he pays for (cable, water, gas, half the mortgage...sometimes all of it, a portion of groceries) and I have mine (internet, electric, half....sometimes all....of mortgage, groceries.) The division may be more like 50/50, but I haven't really counted up all the numbers. That's how unconcerned I am about the "equality" of it. We both spend our personal money the way we see fit and neither of us complains to the other. Obviously, I cover everything extra for my boys. But he has been known to take us all out on his dime too. I dated a guy for a short period of time and I paid for everything because he was broke. He was on disability and couldn't work (was plenty able bodied though.) That got old quick, and he got friendzoned quick. LOL! My BF recently got a promotion at work and was excited that he finally makes more than me. I know that was kinda nagging at him, because he is the type of man that values "provider status."

And no, I don't HAVE to have a man. Trust me. LOL! Yes, I spent quite some time JUST to myself and my children. I was married for 12 years and didn't want to jump back in. I had many friends and some family members going through divorces around the same time and even after mine, and several of them are already remarried. I thought they were nuts, but more power to them! Haha! I am the reason why we are not married now. The BF said we can get married tomorrow if I wanted to. I don't. Not yet.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I did pay for the majority of the down payment on the house, but he contributed some. Like I said before, we have an agreement in place should anything happen. And I am very comfortable with what we drew up should that happen. I looked at it like a business agreement, which in reality it kinda is since we are not married. The legalities of it are not worrisome to me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Still sounds out of balance to me and there is denial about it... but it could just be me


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Maybe there is.....could you point out what you are seeing? Honestly, I feel like the finances are the least of our issues. Aside from me being stressed out a bit when the child support suddenly quit. But once I took a good long look at my bills and such, I wasn't as bad off as I was scared of. Yes, things are tight, but I've been worse off. Much worse off.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

At first glance it was just an impression

Can't really define it at the moment, so it truly could just be me. 

If the words come to me I'll share it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> I don't know the complete situation from what you just describe, but you do seem like a woman that makes a lot of excuses.
> 
> I've also read your last post where you mention he was a ex-convict(You say drugs in one post then say it is a white collar crime) and making up for the past, him not being attracted because of your weight gain of 15 lbs(as compared to his 45lbs).
> 
> ...


GA Heart... I don't believe you ever addressed THIS post from Warlock...

As others have pointed out, I don't believe your relationships have been the healthiest, and you seem to NEED a partner in your life. Nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone... but make sure it's because that's what you TRULY desire and not because you just don't want to be alone...

I would suggest counseling for yourself... Find out if this BF is truly your life partner, or if you are just settling.

I read about your other boyfriend who you were totally in love with who just basically blew you off and ended it. If I recall, you were devastated. You truly loved this man. You were heartbroken.

Shortly after, you met the new BF.

You describe the current BF as more of a "friend", never having had that wild attraction, chemistry, and spark. And he has low to no sex drive, and you state you are "ok' with that. You know that intimate relationships cannot survive low to no sex. Sure, you can "take care of yourself" as you stated, but then what's the point of an intimate relationship? Financial security? I don't think so.

Only you can answer... are you "settling"? Are you compromising your children's welfare just to "be with someone?"

My advice? Sell the house, move out with your boys, and get yourself into individual counseling. I maintain you are a mismatch.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

What has your BF learned from his past?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree with above. 

OP is in no place to be looking for mates right now. Focus on the kids and healing/IC.

Once the kids move out, start looking for someone special. Right now, you cannot make someone your priority thus should not be with someone.

Also, take TIME and at least 6 months to a year before you introduce your kids to a potential long term partner......


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The first "bf" was actually a disaster of a rebound i got into after my marriage ended. I was in no shape to be in that position, and yes it was scary unhealthy. 

I was seeing a counselor during that time. Took a break, and went back soon after meeting current BF. 

I dated lightly (more like friends) in between the rebound and the current boyfriend, some of them hurt my feelings, some feelings I hurt (not intentionally.) None I was in love with. None were exclusive relationships. The rebound happened and was over a year and a half before I met current bf. I didn't even look a fellas way for about 6 months before I met current bf. No dating, no friends, nothing.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Now I just need to figure out a way to try and help repair the relationship between the two of them. They were pretty close before this.


I've been in your shoes, in a way, living with a woman who is not mother to my children. There were times when they did not do things the way she would like. To be honest most times when she asked them to do something they tended to ignore her. Thankfully, her solution was to come to me and tell me. If I thought she was being unreasonable I would tell her. If not I would deal with the kids myself when she wasn't around. I can't say this was the right or wrong way to deal with things. All I know is if my kids had been fighting with my girlfriend I would have asked her to leave...and she knew that. 

The situation is not easy for anyone. It is not easy for your son...trying to live with someone not of his choosing. It's not easy for your boyfriend...trying to find his place in your family. And lastly, it's not easy for you...trying to play peacemaker.

I'm of the opinion your son is under no obligation to 'like' your boyfriend. He is obligated to be respectful of him. I do not share the opinion this man should be made into the father figure for your son. If that were to happen...great...however I don't see that it is automatic simply because he has a relationship with you and lives in the family home. In my mind you should be the 'enforcer' of any family rules. Too many dynamics and opportunities for misinterpreted intent all around when your BF starts trying to enforce rules or punish your kids.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

GA, I admire the way you have reacted to the posts on this thread that are from one end of the spectrum to another. You seem like a really nice person.

I'm afraid I have to agree with the posters who say you should never have moved in with this man. I just don't see how you can think your boyfriend is good for your kids. There is no way a mother should be accepting this display of immature behavior from a boyfriend. Cussing at that child? Throwing food out the window? How can you accept this? I just don't understand it. Plus he is getting away with contributing 25% to a house that he owns too? So in some instances you want to elevate him to status of a father figure for your children, but in his contributions to the house he has roommate status? 

I guess since you have already purchased this house and it would be a financial nightmare for you and your BF to live separately, you are stuck with him. But I hope for the sake of your children that you stop trying to force this man down their throats. 

I agree with Conan, Hicks and any others who say that your children should be your priority and come first because THIS IS JUST YOUR BOYFRIEND! By your own admission you have had a few of them, how many times are you going to let "father figures" waltz in and out of their lives? Unfortunately from the eyes of a child, all they see is this is who my Momma is currently sleeping with, and even worse, he can sometimes be a jerk. You put your children in the situation of having to adapt to some other man's rules on discipline, and he seems short of self-control himself. Your kids see that no matter what they tell you. They are probably just posturing themselves to put up with him until they get out of the house. They will always know that they come second behind your boyfriend.

Contrary to what DOF says, that is NOT the way it should be. YES IN A MARRIAGE THE SPOUSE AND MARRIAGE COMES FIRST!!! But boyfriends come and go, and our children should not have to deal with that unstable relationship drama. You don't need any family counseling because your boyfriend is not part of your family, he is just your boyfriend. No matter what relationships you have to sacrifice, and even, yes being alone, your kids should come first, ESPECIALLY since their Dad already abandoned them. All they have is you. This is just bad, and I don't see how you can make it right other than you and your boyfriend go back to living separately.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I feel like this thread has kinda gone off a little bit. I do value each and every one's input. But I have to interject and say that I am an adult who thought long and hard before getting into this relationship (and yes, this was the first man I introduced my kids to, none of the other ones were even close to legitimate "boyfriends." I just dated a little for some adult companionship.) In fact, I could say my current BF is my fiance, or he could even be my husband, had I wanted to run to the courthouse and get married like so many people do. Like several of my friends have done after their divorces, like my brother did, heck....even like my ex did (4 days after our divorce was final.) Would it make a difference if his label was different?

My son has completely forgiven him and is acting like he did before any of this happened. We are pretty close and have great communication and he would tell me if he was still bothered. They have always had a pretty good relationship and I know that both my boys have a certain kind of love for him. I don't pressure them to accept him as "father figure" but it kinda has happened due to the fact that thier father is out of the picture. My BF is not appathetic, he does have children of his own that visit, and he treats them all the same. My children are not suffering on the whole......they are healthy and happy. My oldest told me just the other day that this is the best school he's been to and is really happy there. 

I will be the first person to admit that I am not ready to marry my BF, but I realize that we are acting like a married couple. We say we "feel" married, but to me, I am glad to not have that extra legal commitment hanging over me. He is a good man, but he is human. As am I. As we all are. 

My hangup at this point is to make sure I'm not being "too nice," "too dismissive," "in denial," or whatever. It's a gray, fuzzy line. I have never been one to just have someone be "dead to me" when they screw up. Although I do have experience with cutting extremely toxic people out of my life. Yes, I have had a bad relationship in the past, but I have done A LOT of self analyzing and self growth and feel like I am lightyears ahead of where I was the last time I chose someone to be in a long term relationship with. (Also, last time I was 20.....now, I am significantly older than 20.)

There are a lot of good qualities in my BF. I genuinely LIKE him on top of loving him. I cannot say the same for my ex, whom I spent 13 years of my life with.....and would have continued on with, even though I was unhappy. Hindsight is always 20/20. How do we know we are making the right choice in every situation in life? We don't. But I"m getting better. And since I made the choice to give my BF the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance, I'm going to own it and move forward with it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DoF said:


> I agree with above.
> 
> OP is in no place to be looking for mates right now. Focus on the kids and healing/IC.
> 
> ...


They did take time before moving in together and seemed on track to be doing it the right way. The problem is that BF needs to be an adult now and stop losing his temper or being pouty. And GA needs to be the enforcer of house rules. I don't believe the argument that says someone can't be a great parent and also a great spouse at the same time. What I see more often is parents revolving around their kids instead of having a life of their own as well and that's a lot of pressure to put on the kids. It's too easy and common for the lines between parent/child to blur with friend/companionship. That emotionally cripples many kids now days IMO.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> I agree with above.
> 
> OP is in no place to be looking for mates right now. Focus on the kids and healing/IC.
> 
> ...


DoF, normally I agree with you, but I feel this time you're off in left field. You are consigning the divorced parents to a life of loneliness. 

Who says she can't make a priority of a live-in bf AND be an effective parent at the same time? These aren't babies, no breast feeding going on here. Teenagers can get mouthy. And belligerent. And not want to do chores. The same way as when a teenager comes from a two parent household.

I think people are jumping down her throat because she dared to ask for advise to a very rigid forum. 

Let's see any of you be honest, post a current problem in your life with a teenager and watch as people dissect your thought process on how to give up having a relationship of the opposite sex until the day the last child moves out.



GA, honey, keep your chin up...


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Revamped said:


> DoF, normally I agree with you, but I feel this time you're off in left field. You are consigning the divorced parents to a life of loneliness.
> *If the choice is being lonely versus having someone unsuitable around your child, then so be it. There are many, many single parents who make that sacrifice. Nobody is guaranteed a relationship anyway, so sometimes people are lone because no one has pursued a relationship with them.*
> 
> Who says she can't make a priority of a live-in bf AND be an effective parent at the same time? These aren't babies, no breast feeding going on here. Teenagers can get mouthy. And belligerent. *Her boyfriend was also mouthy (cursing at the child) and belligerent (throwing food out the window). But I guess that's acceptable.*And not want to do chores. The same way as when a teenager comes from a two parent household.
> ...


I just can't get past his behavior to the child. No way I would allow a boyfriend to treat my child the way he treated hers. But different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I truly wish GA good luck because she seems like a genuinely nice person.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thefam said:


> I just can't get past his behavior to the child. No way I would allow a boyfriend to treat my child the way he treated hers. But different strokes for different folks, I guess.
> 
> I truly wish GA good luck because she seems like a genuinely nice person.


I don't think GA allowed it and she didn't say she will tolerate it being the norm either. It happened once and she's not leaving BF yet. People make mistakes. It also matters that her son is on the brink of being an adult. He's not a child. It's good that GA seems to know this.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I don't think GA allowed it and she didn't say she will tolerate it being the norm either. It happened once and she's not leaving BF yet. People make mistakes. It also matters that her son is on the brink of being an adult. He's not a child. It's good that GA seems to know this.


I guess the whole premise is off for me. I am not putting up with any sh!t from a boyfriend acting like a jerk to my kid or around my kid. We're not married so that's it for your buddy. One strike and you're out when it comes to my kid. But this is exactly the reason that I would not move a boyfriend into my house with minor children. Or move into his. Because the first time you come at my kid the wrong way, we're done. 

Others may feel differently; I understand that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea, I understand that sentiment. I have a hard enough time with my H coming at our child wrong let alone someone else.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks all, things are still going smoothly in the household. I guess time will tell. We are still doing counseling, and the oldest didn't even flinch (too hard) when I mentioned it. Honestly, I think he likes the stability of having both of us around. When the incident happened, he was pissed and ready for me to kick the BF to the curb. But by the next day, he was asking questions about how life would be without him around and how much he would miss his (step) grand-parents and such. By the third day, he was over it. Both my boys are a pretty laid back bunch. 

On another note, the BF goes back to the doctor today for all his test results, so hopefully we will have answers there too.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

thefam said:


> I guess the whole premise is off for me. I am not putting up with any sh!t from a boyfriend acting like a jerk to my kid or around my kid. We're not married so that's it for your buddy. One strike and you're out when it comes to my kid. But this is exactly the reason that I would not move a boyfriend into my house with minor children. Or move into his. Because the first time you come at my kid the wrong way, we're done.
> 
> Others may feel differently; I understand that.


This type of philosophy could be very counter productive to ever getting married again if that's an end goal for you. I live with my GF who has her son full time. I have both my daughters 1/2 time. Once we made the decision to move in I allowed her to slowly take an active role in their lives. I expected the same with her son but was met with a lot of residence. Without saying it exactly it was "this is my son my responsibility". Well ok then but I had to explain that marriage is much more than just butterfly's and roses and raising kids is a BIG part of our lives for the next 12 years. If he is going to be kept at arms length than to my mind marriage is out because this could be a recipe for disaster. We are either all in or all out in my mind and if we can't do that living together now it will never get better married....that I have learned from experience. I know it would only get worse. 

This has softened with her some but still a work in progress. Many times I feel it's us and then them when it comes to all of us. It's not what I want and has certainly slowed our progress moving forward. Only time will tell

To the OP I don't know what you are looking for long term but as a guy living in this situation that is how I feel. Believe it or not we had the no food downstairs argument. Her kiddo stays in the basement bedroom. It is prone to ants so I have a rule no food down there. Not for him, her, my kids or me...no one. Anywhere else in the house was fine. This was a brief argument when she tried to say that I had another standard for my kids. I said no I have a double standard for the geography not the kids. If they lived downstairs I wouldn't let them take food down there either. As it is no food is allowed in their rooms. So are you getting defensive before hearing the reason or is he just picking on your kid for something? I think it's a good rule


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> *This type of philosophy could be very counter productive to ever getting married again if that's an end goal for you. *


I'm quite happily married but if anything would ever happen to my H I would rather just date and live separately. I have no desire to live with a man outside of marriage so if that would lessen the liklihood of marriage then so be it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thefam said:


> I guess the whole premise is off for me. I am not putting up with any sh!t from a boyfriend acting like a jerk to my kid or around my kid. We're not married so that's it for your buddy. One strike and you're out when it comes to my kid. But this is exactly the reason that I would not move a boyfriend into my house with minor children. Or move into his. Because the first time you come at my kid the wrong way, we're done.
> 
> Others may feel differently; I understand that.


Low tolerance is great; after all we should protect our kids. But zero tolerance ignores that the other two people (child/adult) have a relationship and that neither of them are perfect. When my wife and I started dating, our boys (my 2, her 1) were young. As time passes relationships grow. When the kids were in their later teenage years, I had the same expectations, hopes, rules, etc for all three because they are all my sons and I want them to be okay in life. Granted, I wasn't throwing dishes out of the window and my wife didn't think I pitched fits. Those are things GA's bf is going to have to fix if he wants respect or enfluence.

One of the few resentments for me though is that my wife would jump into hyper-protect mode for her bio son but not for our other two. I was doing the best I knew for all three but no one does everything just right. Any mistakes made with one was also made with the other two but conflict only popped up when it revolved around our middle son (my step). A good guy/bad guy dynamic just builds in cases like this and it builds a wedge. Bio parents have to step up and be objective enough to not swoop in and create rifts out of knee jerk reactions.

I read perspectives like Conan Hub that are so vastly different from mine but I think much of that is due to our histories being so different. Even so, his perspective about his mom's BF 'trying to impose his will' is a dynamic that my step son felt in his teens as well. But there was respect there on both sides. I think he looks back and can see that. We get along very well now but you never know.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I can understand and respect this approach. And I honestly think it would work. Blended families are hard. I admire people who can make it work.

Frusdil seems to do a wonderful job with it. You can just sense the love she has for that child. You seem like that too Thundarr


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

DoF said:


> EACH AND EVERY KID NEEDS A FATHER FIGURE TO TELL THEM HOW IT IS AND DISCIPLINE THEM.
> 
> Because we all know most mothers are too soft and are too afraid to "hurt" their kids.


Sweeping generalization that isn't helpful here. In our family, I am the one who disciplines the vast majority of the time. I am certainly not "too soft." I don't let my kids disrespect me. You don't need "a father figure" to tell them how it is. The gender of the parent has nothing to do with it.

OP - since you decided to move in with a boyfriend, this man has stepped into a sort of "step parent" role even though he's not your husband. Not sure how you square that circle, but I'd be careful here as you are setting a precedent on how the men in your life will or won't be received by your kids.

As for stuff in a trash can, I think that is WAY over the top. If I had a roommate that was that anal, they wouldn't be my roommate for long. This guy needs to pick his battles. If he blows his top over a soda can, he's got a lot of growing up to do. He is certainly NOT someone who is in a position to "tell it like it is." He's being a tyrant with no room for latitude. I wonder just how many rules he's created for you and your kids. How uncomfortable is he making you and your kids in your own home with all of this minutiae!?!? 

Lastly, he has rules of this level yet he will throw dishes out the back door? He has higher expectations for others than he does for himself. His words won't mean much if he can't show respect to others.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Low tolerance is great; after all we should protect our kids. But zero tolerance ignores that the other two people (child/adult) have a relationship and that neither of them are perfect. When my wife and I started dating, our boys (my 2, her 1) were young. As time passes relationships grow. When the kids were in their later teenage years, I had the same expectations, hopes, rules, etc for all three because they are all my sons and I want them to be okay in life. Granted, I wasn't throwing dishes out of the window and my wife didn't think I pitched fits. Those are things GA's bf is going to have to fix if he wants respect or enfluence.
> 
> One of the few resentments for me though is that my wife would jump into hyper-protect mode for her bio son but not for our other two. I was doing the best I knew for all three but no one does everything just right. Any mistakes made with one was also made with the other two but conflict only popped up when it revolved around our middle son (my step). A good guy/bad guy dynamic just builds in cases like this and it builds a wedge. Bio parents have to step up and be objective enough to not swoop in and create rifts out of knee jerk reactions.
> 
> I read perspectives like Conan Hub that are so vastly different from mine but I think much of that is due to our histories being so different. Even so, his perspective about his mom's BF 'trying to impose his will' is a dynamic that my step son felt in his teens as well. But there was respect there on both sides. I think he looks back and can see that. We get along very well now but you never know.


Certainly illustrates my concern and hesitation on ever getting married again while kids are in the house. I am able to step outside myself and treat all three kids the same. I don't see her doing that although I have zero doubt she loves my girls. Maybe the answer is to never get married while youhave youngesters you're raising ?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

thefam said:


> I'm quite happily married but if anything would ever happen to my H I would rather just date and live separately. I have no desire to live with a man outside of marriage so if that would lessen the liklihood of marriage then so be it.


no issues with that. Plenty of people do this and never live together. Maybe it's the best of both worlds and then you can re evaluate marriage once kids are gone.

I don't know... if things don't work out with my GF I don't think I would live with anyone again until my kids are gone. But for me that would also mean no marriage until then. I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't live with first


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

thefam said:


> I can understand and respect this approach. And I honestly think it would work. Blended families are hard. I admire people who can make it work.
> 
> Frusdil seems to do a wonderful job with it. You can just sense the love she has for that child. You seem like that too Thundarr


Aw thankyou...that's lovely to hear 

I'm actually in deep doo doo with bio mum at the moment, she's furious with me, hehe. But I don't care, she'll get over it. I did overstep a bit yesterday, but I did so to protect my (step)daughter and stop some alienation from her father, that was starting (again) from her mothers side.

I will ALWAYS stand by my husband, and support his relationship with his daughter. No one is going to deprive either of them of that, not on my watch


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I live with my GF who has her son full time. I have both my daughters 1/2 time. Once we made the decision to move in I allowed her to slowly take an active role in their lives. I expected the same with her son but was met with a lot of residence. Without saying it exactly it was "this is my son my responsibility". Well ok then but I had to explain that marriage is much more than just butterfly's and roses and raising kids is a BIG part of our lives for the next 12 years. If he is going to be kept at arms length than to my mind marriage is out because this could be a recipe for disaster. We are either all in or all out in my mind and if we can't do that living together now it will never get better married....that I have learned from experience. I know it would only get worse.
> 
> ...
> 
> Believe it or not we had the no food downstairs argument. Her kiddo stays in the basement bedroom. It is prone to ants so I have a rule no food down there. Not for him, her, my kids or me...no one. Anywhere else in the house was fine. This was a brief argument when she tried to say that I had another standard for my kids. I said no I have a double standard for the geography not the kids. If they lived downstairs I wouldn't let them take food down there either. As it is no food is allowed in their rooms.


Wolf, how old is your gf's son?

I agree 100% with your view that both of you take on a role of discipline in each of your childrens lives. If you're going to become a family, it has to be that way. Maybe not at the very beginning, it takes time for bonds to develop...I didn't really take on a discipline role with my stepdaughter until I stopped working outside the home - then I was with her a lot more so it became necessary. We'd developed a bond by then though, so it made it easier.

That said, you and your gf are the adults and providers in the house. You put the roof over the kids heads, you pay for their clothes, food, upkeep of the house - the lot. At the very least, all kids have to respect you both as EQUAL leaders of the house, when it comes to house rules. And there must be one set of rules for all the kids.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Wolf, how old is your gf's son?
> 
> I agree 100% with your view that both of you take on a role of discipline in each of your childrens lives. If you're going to become a family, it has to be that way. Maybe not at the very beginning, it takes time for bonds to develop...I didn't really take on a discipline role with my stepdaughter until I stopped working outside the home - then I was with her a lot more so it became necessary. We'd developed a bond by then though, so it made it easier.
> 
> That said, you and your gf are the adults and providers in the house. You put the roof over the kids heads, you pay for their clothes, food, upkeep of the house - the lot. At the very least, all kids have to respect you both as EQUAL leaders of the house, when it comes to house rules. And there must be one set of rules for all the kids.


He is 11 and a good kid. Part of the issue is that she has raised her son all by herself with little to no help from his father. At one point she lived out of state for 6 years with her son completely alone...no family around and no dad around. So it became her nature to be the first and last of all things with him and she seems unwilling or unable to release some of that control which is really too bad. I rely on her input for my daughters and value it because, to be honest, I'm very guy and girly things do NOT come to me naturally. She doesn't feel the same about my input with him which he is really in need of. I have tried pointing things out like don't rescue him all the time and stop coddling him cause he is too old for that but it's all met with defenseness. 

I don't want it to seem like he is a bad kid, he isn't. She also isn't a bad mom just doesn't know how to not be everything to him. Where we are now is fine but unless some of this changed its as far as this relationship will go.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> He is 11 and a good kid. Part of the issue is that she has raised her son all by herself with little to no help from his father. At one point she lived out of state for 6 years with her son completely alone...no family around and no dad around. So it became her nature to be the first and last of all things with him and she seems unwilling or unable to release some of that control which is really too bad. I rely on her input for my daughters and value it because, to be honest, I'm very guy and girly things do NOT come to me naturally. She doesn't feel the same about my input with him which he is really in need of. I have tried pointing things out like don't rescue him all the time and stop coddling him cause he is too old for that but it's all met with defenseness.
> 
> I don't want it to seem like he is a bad kid, he isn't. She also isn't a bad mom just doesn't know how to not be everything to him. Where we are now is fine but unless some of this changed its as far as this relationship will go.


Every mother has this issue. Too attached to their child and cannot BARE to see them hurt even a "little".

The problem is, they HAVE to learn the hard way and suffer a bit.

There is NOTHING like TOUGH LOVE.

That's why I believe EVERY child needs a father. Cause mother's simply think with their heart.......not their brain (most of the time).

My wife is a great mother and all, but my children would be completely different people if I wasn't around. It took me 10+ years to finally get thru to my wife and convince her how our kids USE her and MANIPULATE her.

She finally got it and sees it more clearly now.

I haven't met many mothers that apply tough love and not let their heart in the way of what SHOULD be done.

So we end up with GENERATIONS of spoiled, selfish and sissy "boys".

You can't overprotect kids and not allow them to suffer etc. This is all part of life. They have to get hurt at times and suffer. And they can't always get "yes" from their parent.....or use their "love" against them.

Cause that's exactly what I have seen with my kids/my wife....and countless other families. 

Love is defined by ACTION. When the kids throws a hissy fit or tantrum because they don't get their way....when they are NOT in terrible 2s stage, it's almost ALWAYS the consequence of poor parenting and lack of proper lessons.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I don't think ALL mothers do that. I fully admit I do at times, but I try not to. My best friend absolutely DOES NOT coddle her boys, and she is a single mom. One is 18 and already takes care of all his bills even though he lives at home. The other is 16, but mentally is about 12 (was born extremely premature and "dead" and deals with some slight brain damage.) But he is very respectful and very high functioning. I try to pattern my parenting after hers. She is just kickarse all around, LOVE her! <3


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

DoF said:


> Every mother has this issue. Too attached to their child and cannot BARE to see them hurt even a "little".
> 
> The problem is, they HAVE to learn the hard way and suffer a bit.
> 
> ...


LOL DoF. You seem like a good guy but I bet you drive your wife CRAZY!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I don't think ALL mothers do that. I fully admit I do at times, but I try not to. My best friend absolutely DOES NOT coddle her boys, and she is a single mom. One is 18 and already takes care of all his bills even though he lives at home. The other is 16, but mentally is about 12 (was born extremely premature and "dead" and deals with some slight brain damage.) But he is very respectful and very high functioning. I try to pattern my parenting after hers. She is just kickarse all around, LOVE her! <3


I dunno. Every single mom I know coddles their sons a bit. I mean a small scrape on the knee equals a freak out and run to the hospital. Certainly some women are exceptions, my mother was tough as nails and she was a nurse. unless you were bleeding out you were getting the peroxide and sent back outside lol. Your friend sound like that.

I do think moms and dads bring different things to the table. I see that and it's why I value my GF input on my girls so much. I just wish it was returned. I don't know that she will ever relinquish any. 

Reading this thread and others has made me realize that maybe blended families, Except in rare cases, don't work. Isn't the rate for second marriages like a 75% divorce rate? Much of that has to be attributed to kids I would think


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Every mother has this issue. Too attached to their child and cannot BARE to see them hurt even a "little".
> 
> The problem is, they HAVE to learn the hard way and suffer a bit.
> 
> ...


And this is what I see happening with her kiddo. I have explained it to her this way. You know when you are dating the guys you always avoid right? Isn't one of them the Overly emotional, momma boy types? Her answer was ohh yes yuck. I then said where do you think those guys come from? That seemed to resonate some with her.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> And this is what I see happening with her kiddo. I have explained it to her this way. You know when you are dating the guys you always avoid right? Isn't one of them the Overly emotional, momma boy types? Her answer was ohh yes yuck. I then said where do you think those guys come from? That seemed to resonate some with her.


Wolf, maybe over the process of time it will get better because you seem to be patient about it. For mothers, as a nuturer, first and foremost would be sensitive to that child knowing that I have their back and I am there for them. In the back of my mind I would always be concerned that the child would not feel like I chose the man over them. May sound crazy and over bearing but men dont tend to nurture so it would seem hard to trust that the man really has my child best interest at heart. 

Nobody ever know what they will do in a given situation, but if anything happened to my H or our marriage I dont think I would re-marry if my child was not grown and on her own.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I don't think ALL mothers do that. I fully admit I do at times, but I try not to. My best friend absolutely DOES NOT coddle her boys, and she is a single mom. One is 18 and already takes care of all his bills even though he lives at home. The other is 16, but mentally is about 12 (was born extremely premature and "dead" and deals with some slight brain damage.) But he is very respectful and very high functioning. I try to pattern my parenting after hers. She is just kickarse all around, LOVE her! <3


Good to hear, there is hope!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> And this is what I see happening with her kiddo. I have explained it to her this way. You know when you are dating the guys you always avoid right? Isn't one of them the Overly emotional, momma boy types? Her answer was ohh yes yuck. I then said where do you think those guys come from? That seemed to resonate some with her.


NOOOICE 

Sell her on "they will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get their way".

There has been times when my wife and I spend our entire day with our kids, taking them to park, playing sports, etc....we come home and say no to 1 thing and we get "you are the worst parents ever".

I laugh

My wife USE TO feel sad and actually take that crap seriously. 

You have got to be kidding me. 

"Get your ass in the bathroom and clean it kid"

THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HOW FAR THE KIDS WILL TAKE IT TO GET THEIR WAY.

You know how I know this? Cause I used to be a kid and do the exact same thing.

I only got as far as my parents allowed!!!

I tell parents, DO NOT feel bad for ANY kid. They are JUST KIDS. They have 0 worries or ANYTHING in their life.

For 2 decades, all they do is consume/use resources and ****/pollute.

By default, kids have it MADE. Little pain goes a LONG way.

If a person doesn't learn how to fall and pick themselves up off the ground......day WILL come when mommie won't be there for them.....what will they do then? 

I will tell you what they will do. They will blame everything and anything around them....rather than focus on picking up the pieces, learning the hard way and going on.

After all, the have 0 experience with that.........AT AN ADULT AGE.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

thefam said:


> Wolf, maybe over the process of time it will get better because you seem to be patient about it. For mothers, as a nuturer, first and foremost would be sensitive to that child knowing that I have their back and I am there for them. In the back of my mind I would always be concerned that the child would not feel like I chose the man over them. May sound crazy and over bearing but *men dont tend to nurture* so it would seem hard to trust that the man really has my child best interest at heart.
> 
> Nobody ever know what they will do in a given situation, but if anything happened to my H or our marriage I dont think I would re-marry if my child was not grown and on her own.


They do, just in a different way.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> They do, just in a different way.


You are probably right. I guess I am assuming that men may have a harder time nurturing a child who is not their own, or that they did not have the experience of raising from a baby or very young child? I know with my H when we have our nieces and nephews over, he is just the fun uncle acting like a big kid. But if they are with us overnight or for a day or two and start to miss their parents, he mostly looks to me to do soothe and comfort them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

thefam said:


> You are probably right. I guess I am assuming that men may have a harder time nurturing a child who is not their own, or that they did not have the experience of raising from a baby or very young child? I know with my H when we have our nieces and nephews over, he is *just* the fun uncle acting like a big kid. But if they are with us overnight or for a day or two and start to miss their parents, he mostly looks to me to do soothe and comfort them.


That one word is very minimizing. What you describe is nurturing to the kids, just in a different way.

Believe it or not, mothers and fathers play very different roles for kids. Yes, you heard that right...moms and dads are DIFFERENT!  But both are equally important. Yes, in many cases, dads need to learn some of the mom skills, but moms also need to learn some of the dad skills.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

thefam said:


> You are probably right. I guess I am assuming that men may have a harder time nurturing a child who is not their own, or that they did not have the experience of raising from a baby or very young child? I know with my H when we have our nieces and nephews over, he is just the fun uncle acting like a big kid. But if they are with us overnight or for a day or two and start to miss their parents, he mostly looks to me to do soothe and comfort them.


My approach would be.

"Hey, don't worry about it too much, you will see your parents soon. Hey, you want to play Ping Pong or do something fun"?

Within 5 min they no longer feel bad...

Meanwhile, they hug and cry on your shoulder an hour later and still feel the same way.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I am very much a tough love Mom. 

I will literally say the words... "don't manipulate me.. that's unkind"

among other things

my son won't have a chance to get much by me


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I do not try to coddle my kids. I'm not the "freak out over a scrape" mom. (Maybe the "freak out over an altercation that left a tough kid that I never see cry in tears" mom, but not a scrape. LOL!)

Yes, kids DO have to learn how to cope on thier own or will never know how to. I DO NOT want my kids living in my house after they are of age and through school (within a reasonable time frame, and only part time too.) My sons WILL move out and have roommates through college after thier freshman year. I WILL NOT take them back in unless there is extreme circumstances. I love them, but can't wait for them to be grown and gone. LOL!!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

thefam said:


> Wolf, maybe over the process of time it will get better because you seem to be patient about it. For mothers, as a nuturer, first and foremost would be sensitive to that child knowing that I have their back and I am there for them. In the back of my mind I would always be concerned that the child would not feel like I chose the man over them. May sound crazy and over bearing but men dont tend to nurture so it would seem hard to trust that the man really has my child best interest at heart.
> 
> Nobody ever know what they will do in a given situation, but if anything happened to my H or our marriage I dont think I would re-marry if my child was not grown and on her own.


Well I don't want to be the end all be all just want and would need some say If we moved forward. But I don't think she thinks in or relates in those terms. 

Had another example this morning. We were texting about plans for thanksgiving. I made some comment about her boy helping me to carve the turkey. Thought it would be fun to teach him and she said ohh he won't be there. We already knew my girls would be with their mom as its her year. I said what? When did this happen? She said it was her x husbands year and he contacted her a FEW DAYS AGO and asked for him for that weekend. 

All I have been thinking about all day is why would you not share that with me? Just makes no sense. If something happened and my girls were to be gone or going to now have them my GF would be the very first person I would tell. But this is how it is....I'm the last to know, even her mom knew this before today. It's not that she is hiding or concealing. Just no thought to a shared process when it comes to her kiddo. None. Just no way I could marry into this. For all we have as far as boyfriend and girlfriend we live socially like roommates it seems


I apologize for the thread jack.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well I don't want to be the end all be all just want and would need some say If we moved forward. But I don't think she thinks in or relates in those terms.
> 
> Had another example this morning. We were texting about plans for thanksgiving. I made some comment about her boy helping me to carve the turkey. Thought it would be fun to teach him and she said ohh he won't be there. We already knew my girls would be with their mom as its her year. I said what? When did this happen? She said it was her x husbands year and he contacted her a FEW DAYS AGO and asked for him for that weekend.
> 
> ...


Wow Wolf, that's a shame. You seem like a really good guy. Your GF is lucky to have you. 

I see your point. I moved in with hubby and the little person before we were engaged, but before I moved in, we clarified (at my asking) that this was a stepping stone to engagement and that engagement would happen soon. If he hadn't told me something like that, I would have thought "huh?", so I totally see where you're coming from.

Can you remind me how long you've lived together?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Wow Wolf, that's a shame. You seem like a really good guy. Your GF is lucky to have you.
> 
> I see your point. I moved in with hubby and the little person before we were engaged, but before I moved in, we clarified (at my asking) that this was a stepping stone to engagement and that engagement would happen soon. If he hadn't told me something like that, I would have thought "huh?", so I totally see where you're coming from.
> 
> Can you remind me how long you've lived together?


Fairly new 4 months.....have been dating for 18 months


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Fairly new 4 months.....have been dating for 18 months


If you are not going to marry her, you should at least move out.

4 months in the same house is not that long. The situation is incredibly difficult and awkward to begin with.

Do you think more communication would help?

Sorry you are having these frustrations. Does she communicate about other things well?

Whoops! Thread jack. We should start a thread about step parenting and live in BF/GF.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If you are not going to marry her, you should at least move out.
> 
> 4 months in the same house is not that long. The situation is incredibly difficult and awkward to begin with.



:rofl: it's my house I have had for 12 years I'm not moving anywhere. 

And I didn't say I would never marry her but not like this I won't. That's under her control not mine


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> :rofl: it's my house I have had for 12 years I'm not moving anywhere.
> 
> And I didn't say I would never marry her but not like this I won't. That's under her control not mine


Sorry Wolf. Edited my post a little. The first one got sent before I was ready.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I do not try to coddle my kids. I'm not the "freak out over a scrape" mom. (Maybe the "freak out over an altercation that left a tough kid that I never see cry in tears" mom, but not a scrape. LOL!)
> 
> Yes, kids DO have to learn how to cope on thier own or will never know how to. I DO NOT want my kids living in my house after they are of age and through school (within a reasonable time frame, and only part time too.) My sons WILL move out and have roommates through college after thier freshman year. I WILL NOT take them back in unless there is extreme circumstances. I love them, but can't wait for them to be grown and gone. LOL!!


Funny, I guess that's where we differ too.

I have a open home policy. Our children are welcome to stay with us as long as they are responsible, contribute financially and physically.

There is no age limit.

Besides, I doubt they will be able to move out until deep into 20s/30s anyways. This is the norm around the world, and America is catching up to those levels fast.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> :rofl: it's my house I have had for 12 years I'm not moving anywhere.
> 
> And I didn't say I would never marry her but not like this I won't. That's under her control not mine


Smart man, smart man.

Give her time......took my wife MANY years (ok fine, perhaps not THAT much time).


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> That one word is very minimizing. What you describe is nurturing to the kids, just in a different way.
> 
> Believe it or not, mothers and fathers play very different roles for kids. Yes, you heard that right...moms and dads are DIFFERENT!  But both are equally important. Yes, in many cases, dads need to learn some of the mom skills, but moms also need to learn some of the dad skills.


I see your point about the minimizing. I wasnt using the word just to mean only. Its probably a regional thing.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DoF said:


> Funny, I guess that's where we differ too.
> 
> I have a open home policy. Our children are welcome to stay with us as long as they are responsible, contribute financially and physically.
> 
> ...


I'm more in line with GA on this one. Open home doesn't mean my kids will be allowed to never move out. That's the equivalent of anti-expectations. I expected more of them than that and they've done well. My home is open if they boomerang and regroup for short periods but not as a life style. But I have only boys so maybe that makes a difference? I don't know what I don't know about daughters.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> If you are not going to marry her, you should at least move out.
> 
> 4 months in the same house is not that long. The situation is incredibly difficult and awkward to begin with.
> 
> ...


I'll join the thread jack. Wolf, I agree with Conan that 4 month in the same home is not enough time for things to settle. My wife and I dated for 7 years and it was still tough. Most statistics have the failure rate of blended families at 60-70% so it's not for the faint of heart.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> :rofl: it's my house I have had for 12 years I'm not moving anywhere.
> 
> And I didn't say I would never marry her but not like this I won't. That's under her control not mine


Yeah, still fairly new...I'd give it a couple more months to see if her view softens at all, if it doesn't, I'd be saying something like "we've been living together for 6 months now, and while I want our relationship to progress and for us to be a real family, I don't see the point in continuing if you won't allow me to discipline/be a father figure to X".

After 6 months it's time to sh*t or get off the pot you know? Her I mean, not you. Not fair to the kids to let it go on indefinitely...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Yeah, still fairly new...I'd give it a couple more months to see if her view softens at all, if it doesn't, I'd be saying something like "we've been living together for 6 months now, and while I want our relationship to progress and for us to be a real family, I don't see the point in continuing if you won't allow me to discipline/be a father figure to X".
> 
> After 6 months it's time to sh*t or get off the pot you know? Her I mean, not you. Not fair to the kids to let it go on indefinitely...


It's like a Chinese finger trap though. As more time passes, Wolf will be building an emotional bond with her son. Wolf seems like a very logical guy and will likely come to the conclusion that he's good for the boy and that's going to make ultimatums like this even more difficult.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

No worries on the thread "jacking." Conversations evolve, it's natural.

Wolf, since I am kinda in your GF's position, I also say give it some more time. We have been full time with our living situation for only 5 months. REALLY make sure you are doing your best to make her understand how you feel. She doesn't have to agree, but if she will make the effort to understand, it should go a long way. Keep being patient, but make sure you are letting her know that this is important to you.

We had another bump in the road last night concerning my other son. The BF stayed calm this time, and talked me through understanding exactly what he felt. We discussed the situation before I confronted my son. He was there, but I did most of the talking. He just nodded in confirmation when I would mention to my son how he felt. This was a a complete 180 as far as how a situation was handled with my boys.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> No worries on the thread "jacking." Conversations evolve, it's natural.
> 
> Wolf, since I am kinda in your GF's position, I also say give it some more time. We have been full time with our living situation for only 5 months. REALLY make sure you are doing your best to make her understand how you feel. She doesn't have to agree, but if she will make the effort to understand, it should go a long way. Keep being patient, but make sure you are letting her know that this is important to you.
> 
> We had another bump in the road last night concerning my other son. The BF stayed calm this time, and talked me through understanding exactly what he felt. We discussed the situation before I confronted my son. He was there, but I did most of the talking. He just nodded in confirmation when I would mention to my son how he felt. This was a a complete 180 as far as how a situation was handled with my boys.


I think maybe you're all right. I maybe have too high of expectations on how things should be now and shouldn't take it as a personal jab that they aren't. I guess sharing parenting power and responsibility comes easier for me because I have had a lot more practice at it. The GF has been divorced almost a decade and done it all on her own. This is a newer process for her.

In the grand scheme of things I can see myself like many others here dating for 6-7 years before even popping the question. Lots of time. Guess I'm red flag hyper viligant. I have nothing but time so I will be patient and see how it all plays out.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

You are not alone with "red flag hyper vigilant." LOL! I like that. Me too. My BF too. And I wouldn't nessesarily say you have too high of expectations......your wants and needs are valid. But I am slowly figuring out that it comes down to communication......BOTH letting the other know our feelings AND having our feelings understood.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> You are not alone with "red flag hyper vigilant." LOL! I like that. Me too. My BF too. And I wouldn't nessesarily say you have too high of expectations......your wants and needs are valid. But I am slowly figuring out that it comes down to *communication*......BOTH letting the other know our feelings AND having our feelings understood.


And the other big "C"...compromise.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> And the other big "C"...compromise.


Forgetting about 3rd C

Companionship


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I'm more in line with GA on this one. Open home doesn't mean my kids will be allowed to never move out. That's the equivalent of anti-expectations. I expected more of them than that and they've done well. My home is open if they boomerang and regroup for short periods but not as a life style. But I have only boys so maybe that makes a difference? I don't know what I don't know about daughters.


Realistically, it's impossible for kids to move out until deep into 20s/30s. Seriously, what 20 year old can move out on their own now day and age and in this economy. Only if parents pay their way thru college and help them financially (which to me is more of "enabling"). Here, have some money every month and stay away.

Parenting never stops and is forever. Sure I would like it if it was just me and my wife in the future, but we are both fine if our children choose to live with us. We love our kids and having them around (and of course there are times when we don't)......we still set an expectancy for them to be on their own and rely on themselves.

Neither of us has a problem with this, again, as long as they go by our rules, are responsible people and contribute financially/physically.

I never really understood the whole "living with your mom" thing that exist in this country. I lived with my mom until early 30s.......and one can say whatever they want.......I was working AND paying rent at 14, and have been until I no longer lived with her.

As long as the person contributed.....I see nothing wrong with living with parents. Heck, if anything, might be a good indicator of healthy family chemistry. 

But there is a FINE line between healthy/responsible and enabling/mooching off.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

One word. Military. LOL! 

But fo reals, both my children want to join. I'm not sure that's what the 11 year old will really end up doing, but my 17 year old is. He has wanted to go to flight school and be a helicopter pilot for years. He is doing college first, and thankfully we live in a state that will pay for that, providing he makes the grades (which he does, is already in college classes in high school, YAY duel enrollment!)

I was out on my own at 18, with above mentioned 17 year old child. My parents did help in the form of $100 towards my rent as long as I was taking college classes and worked (I lived with a roommate) and did feed me when I came over to visit. Other than that? Nothing. But they raised me with the expectations that I would be taking care of myself, and when the baby came along too early, they definitely implimented tough love. They NEVER kept my son for me to "go out." It was daycare or hire a baby sitter, or nothing (they did keep him some while I was at work on weekends or at school. And yes, I did have government assistance too.)

While I agree that today's young adults have a harder time out on thier own, it isn't impossible. My oldest works construction and although his hours are much less during the school year, he was able to work enough over the summer to purchase his own car. If the military doesn't pan out for him, the company he works for would keep him on. I don't expect him to hit 18 and immediately be self sufficient, but he WILL NOT sit around and whine about not having a job and leeching off me. (He wouldn't anyway.) The same parents that were so tough on me when I got pregnant allowed my sister (childless, with a masters degree) to come move back in with them after her divorce. Where for 2 years they paid for EVERYTHING including her divorce while she sat on her behind and refused to work and whined about how hard her life was. (I was going through something similar at the same time, and DID NOT go back home, AND I had kids.....cashed in a 401k to pay for my divorce, etc.)

Different strokes for different folks I guess. I try to raise my kids to be independant and be the type that doens't WANT to come back home. Which is how I was. I left at 18 and haven't been back, even in the same state.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

DoF said:


> Funny, I guess that's where we differ too.
> 
> I have a open home policy. Our children are welcome to stay with us as long as they are responsible, contribute financially and physically.
> 
> ...


Wait... I thought only mom's coddled. 

When I graduated college, I lived in a 2 bedroom, $400 a month apartment with a roommate for the next three years. I worked any job I could find, sometimes two at a time, to make ends meet. I had too much pride to move home after college; doing so would mean, at least to me, that I failed. 

It took me 2 years to get my first real job and another year to move out of that craptastic apartment, but by 24 I had landed a job in my field, got promoted in less than a year and began traveling as a consultant. 

All that is to say that if your child thinks moving home is an option, they won't try as hard. That's coddling.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

DoF said:


> Realistically, it's impossible for kids to move out until deep into 20s/30s. Seriously, what 20 year old can move out on their own now day and age and in this economy. Only if parents pay their way thru college and help them financially (which to me is more of "enabling"). Here, have some money every month and stay away.
> 
> Parenting never stops and is forever. Sure I would like it if it was just me and my wife in the future, but we are both fine if our children choose to live with us. We love our kids and having them around (and of course there are times when we don't)......we still set an expectancy for them to be on their own and rely on themselves.
> 
> ...


DOF, you are an IMPOSTER! LOL! That is the highest form of coddling in this thread!

There are 6 of us. All of us were gone before age 23. We range in age from mid 20's to early 40's so I think at least half of us qualify as "this day and age". Only my youngest brother went to college. All of us except 2 own our own home, and one of the 2 is the one who went to college. My parents paid $0 toward his college ed.

You're a big softie, Dof. Stop coddling! LOL


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> No worries on the thread "jacking." Conversations evolve, it's natural.
> 
> Wolf, since I am kinda in your GF's position, I also say give it some more time. We have been full time with our living situation for only 5 months. *REALLY make sure you are doing your best to make her understand how you feel.* She doesn't have to agree, but if she will make the effort to understand, it should go a long way. Keep being patient, but make sure you are letting her know that this is important to you.
> 
> We had another bump in the road last night concerning my other son. The BF stayed calm this time, and talked me through understanding exactly what he felt. We discussed the situation before I confronted my son. He was there, but I did most of the talking. He just nodded in confirmation when I would mention to my son how he felt. This was a a complete 180 as far as how a situation was handled with my boys.


If the bio parent doesn't believe the step has good intention then it's failed from the start. How could a good parent even stay in a relationship if they thought their BF/GF/SO didn't care about their kids. It's one of those topics where real trust makes the difference.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DoF said:


> Realistically, it's impossible for kids to move out until deep into 20s/30s. Seriously, what 20 year old can move out on their own now day and age and in this economy. Only if parents pay their way thru college and help them financially (which to me is more of "enabling"). Here, have some money every month and stay away.
> 
> Parenting never stops and is forever. Sure I would like it if it was just me and my wife in the future, but we are both fine if our children choose to live with us. We love our kids and having them around (and of course there are times when we don't)......we still set an expectancy for them to be on their own and rely on themselves.
> 
> ...


Nicely stated. Yes the fine line between healthy/responsible versus enabling/mooching is a tough one. You're better equipped to know how to navigate it with older kids living at home than many of us I think.


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