# Husband and his female best friend



## trickylacey14 (Feb 13, 2021)

I'm not exactly sure how to explain my situation but here goes... My husband & I have been married for going on 15 years and in the last 5-6 years, he has had a female best friend named Liz. Several years ago, he was fired from his job and made the decision to go back to school and finish his degree, which was by far the best decision he's ever done but while at college he met his new friend Liz. Liz was (at the time) a mother with another on the way and going through the process of a divorce. Fast forward 5 years and my husband and her are still "best" friends. She has 2 sons (1 of which is the same age as my youngest son) and did get divorced from her husband. Well, I have never had the best feelings towards her as she is super flirty in general but especially with my husband, even when my kids or I are around. I'm a very quiet, reserved person and she is the complete opposite (loud, outgoing, energetic). I have had issues over the years with my feelings about her and her friendship with my husband and have voiced my concerns to my husband as many times with no resolution other than "she's my friend" and "you're just jealous, we're only friends." I'm not saying that this friend of his isn't nice but she always makes me feel inferior and has had a tendency to come into situations that are solely between my husband & I or with our kids. I have felt jealous over the years of how my husband always seems to "stop what he's doing" to help her with whatever she needs or if she's having some kind of baby-daddy drama to deal with. My question is, can this friendship of theirs remain as just that, a "friendship" or should I be getting more and more worried that they are planning things behind my back. I love my husband and my family but at the same time, I do not want to be played as a fool and I get tired of the constant fights that my husband & I have over his "friend."


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Anymore I don't mince words. Is she considerably more attractive than you? If so, you can nearly bet your husband is considering that play, if he has not already. Mothers play the "help" card well, and men generally fill that help card. Welcome to attached life in the 21st century. I recommend you figure out your financial cards before confronting him, because you may not like the answers. Usually women come out way on top in a divorce, so you have that going for you. 
I would bet the difference in personality is standing out and that is something you cannot change. There is something about vanilla in a relationship that just gets old. Do something way different in your life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Be smart. Say nothing and let him run each time she calls. Do everything differently to how you have been this far. Stop expressing how you feel, stop talking about her to your husband, stay quiet and reserved - she wants that reaction from you and she’s playing a game that will see her win if you turn crazy, demanding he stop etc. that is what she wants. She wants you fighting with your husband!! So you absolutely do the opposite now.

She’s single (I can see why) and dramatic and if she hasn’t already exhausted him, she eventually will. And I’d say she’s jealous of you, not the other way around given how far into your life she is desperately, loudly and forcefully pushing herself. Remember, slow and steady wins the race.

I know these types, and while that enthusiasm and loud energy might seem nice and make you feel inferior, can you see him really living with that?

If and when he brings her up, dashes to her etc, you nod, pretend you don’t care and carry on as if you didn’t hear him because you’re thinking about shopping, your tv show, whatever. Let him go and watch this all blow up when she sees you don’t care, and she demands more and more and more of him.

She’s got two kids, she’s loud and needy. Not a good catch.

Slowly, he’ll see you changing and slowly he’s actually going to come to you with complaints and concerns about how much drama she is creating. You still stay quiet and just listen. He’s also going to notice a change in you and ask about this, you smile and look excited and talk about something to deflect! Pick a subject, hobby, anything to train your mind to rush into excitement mode. You’ve already expressed everything regarding this situation, had your fights, that subject now for you is done. 

This will fade, you’ll see. I see a future bunny boiler and that will be his problem too. Be smart.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re not doing any of this out of malice either, this is surely harrowing and horrible to go through, so you’re simply letting your brain focus elsewhere.

She wants to be you, can you see this? She wants you to get louder and then she gets to be the soft and gentle and reserved one, because it’s true - she’s after your husband. So let her get louder and louder until your husband says holy smoke this one’s insane I gotta get away. Because that’s just men. They don’t want the crazy.

I’ve seen this play out the wrong way a few times to good, kind and reserved women... (it’s rampant where my parents are from) and it’s so unfair but eventually guess how it all pans out? The one left behind who got loud and pleading and needy when the husband stealer shows up, ends up like the monster who got in there and caused the trouble in the first place.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If my husband had a best friend who also flirted with him a lot and interferred in our marriage I would not be happy at all. Even if they never do have a physical affair(and who knows if they have or havent) I would say they have an emotional one. Also the fact that he repeatedly ignores you when you tell him you are concerned about it is highly dispespectful.
I think you need to sit him down when you are alone and say that his behavior is making you deeply unhappy and that you are not sure you even want to be with him any more, and its risking the marriage. I would also say that if he wants to save the marriage then you both need to get some MC together to work through this. See what he says.Any good MC would challenge him on this.
There is no way I would put up wth this. He is playing with fire as well as being very unloving towards you. YOU should be his best friend.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife and I have rules about friends of the opposite sex. They don't happen.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get yourself a boyfriend and see how he likes it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass

Read it and apply. This your marriage too.

We don’t allow opposite sex best friends.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I know these types, and while that enthusiasm and loud energy might seem nice and make you feel inferior, can you see him really living with that?
> .


This really resonates as my husband's just a friend ex (before we were married and I was cleaning his closet, so speak) was exactly. She was good for turning out people to happy hours and pub crawls but that was it.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

As someone who doesn't think OS friendships are inherently bad, there is stuff about this one that are concerning, namely her being involved in stuff that ought to be between the two of you, her being flirty, and especially making plans behind your back.

As for you "feeling inferior" to her, that sounds like a problem on your part.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Be smart. Say nothing and let him run each time she calls. Do everything differently to how you have been this far. Stop expressing how you feel, stop talking about her to your husband, stay quiet and reserved - she wants that reaction from you and she’s playing a game that will see her win if you turn crazy, demanding he stop etc. that is what she wants. She wants you fighting with your husband!! So you absolutely do the opposite now.
> 
> She’s single (I can see why) and dramatic and if she hasn’t already exhausted him, she eventually will. And I’d say she’s jealous of you, not the other way around given how far into your life she is desperately, loudly and forcefully pushing herself. Remember, slow and steady wins the race.
> 
> ...


I think this is terrible advice.

It's been five years already and he's not sick of this "friend".

I'd ask to go to counseling. If he refused, I'd be thinking about terminating the marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The good thing:

If she has not succeeded in bedding him by now, it becomes, less likely by the day.

He enjoys being needed by two ladies.

A, for sure, KISA, he be.
He sounds like he likes bossy and loud women, unlike yourself.
Ah, that is a bad liking.

Maybe his Mom was like this?.

Of course, if and when this 'friend' took hold of your man, she would control him, boss him about, incessantly.

...............................................................

The bad thing:

It bothers you, as it would me.
He IS, himself, being selfish and he IS being inconsiderate of your feelings.

.............................................................

Getting your own OSF (boyfriend) sounds tempting, but that may backfire on you, and this would certainly put you at risk of falling for another man.
And, it would (very likely) not be fair to the man you befriend. He would likely want more. Men do like their intimacy.

............................................................

The worst thing you can do is to be _unpleasant _to be around, by nagging and being sullen.
*Not, that I would blame you for acting, thusly, suchlike.

..............................................................*

Ignore your fickle, feckless man's inaction and get in this woman's face.
*Do this when your husband is not around.*

Give her the winter boot, or those stiletto heels that you keep in the back of your closet.

Telll her:

"Honey, you ain't welcome around here anymore. GTFO!"
"Get your own man!"


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## scarletandgrey (Feb 15, 2021)

Ask him if he is having an affair? If he says no, you don’t need to be paranoid/upset. If he says yes, file for a divorce.

It’s as simple as that.

If he says no, try to go to counseling and find out why you’re being so paranoid.

Not that difficult.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Oh hell to the no. This is your life, put your foot down. No way would I allow this to enter my life to begin with let alone allow it to continue. No door matting on something like this, stand up for yourself!


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## scarletandgrey (Feb 15, 2021)

Not said:


> Oh hell to the no. This is your life, put your foot down. No way would I allow this to enter my life to begin with let alone allow it to continue. No door matting on something like this, stand up for yourself!


If her husband is having an affair with this woman than she needs to file for a divorce.

If he is not having an affair, than she needs togo to counseling and find out why she is being so paranoid.

It’s not that hard.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I've been where you are. My first husband developed a lot of female best friends over the years....

Me, personally? I'd tell Captain Save-a-Ho there that you will no longer tolerate being disrespected in your own home and marriage. He can then either choose to pull his head out of his ass, or he can choose to be divorced.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

What is your gut telling you? Trust your gut. Your husband at the very least is having an EA(probably more in his head). He is playing the knight in shiny armor to the poor little helpless waif down the street. The waif down the street is not helpless I can assure you. Time to sit your husband down and advise his "friend" needs to go. The friend has been asked into your marriage by your husband and without your agreement. Sister Wives is a program on TV you don't subscribe too.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, don’t play the ‘ignore it’ games as has been suggested. Does he prioritize his girlfriend over you? If so, it’s time to take swift and decisive action against this threat to your relationship. She does not seem like a friend to your marriage.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

scarletandgrey said:


> Ask him if he is having an affair? If he says no, you don’t need to be paranoid/upset. If he says yes, file for a divorce.
> 
> It’s as simple as that.
> 
> ...



I can't dislike this advice strongly enough. No one who is having an affair - emotional or physical - is going to admit it when asked. Because that's what cheaters do - they lie about cheating to the person they're cheating on. 

OP, if you want to continue living your life in the role of "crazy, paranoid, jealous, controlling mom-figure" for your teen-brained, super-entitled, cake-eating husband, you certainly can. But understand that it's a choice. The other choice is to stop putting up with the Other Woman your husband has invited into your living room. 

If someone ever asks you to choose between a relationship with them and your own self-respect, pick you. Every. Time.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

trickylacey14 said:


> I'm not exactly sure how to explain my situation but here goes... My husband & I have been married for going on 15 years and in the last 5-6 years, he has had a female best friend named Liz. Several years ago, he was fired from his job and made the decision to go back to school and finish his degree, which was by far the best decision he's ever done but while at college he met his new friend Liz. Liz was (at the time) a mother with another on the way and going through the process of a divorce. Fast forward 5 years and my husband and her are still "best" friends. She has 2 sons (1 of which is the same age as my youngest son) and did get divorced from her husband. Well, I have never had the best feelings towards her as she is super flirty in general but especially with my husband, even when my kids or I are around. I'm a very quiet, reserved person and she is the complete opposite (loud, outgoing, energetic). I have had issues over the years with my feelings about her and her friendship with my husband and have voiced my concerns to my husband as many times with no resolution other than "she's my friend" and "you're just jealous, we're only friends." I'm not saying that this friend of his isn't nice but she always makes me feel inferior and has had a tendency to come into situations that are solely between my husband & I or with our kids. I have felt jealous over the years of how my husband always seems to "stop what he's doing" to help her with whatever she needs or if she's having some kind of baby-daddy drama to deal with. My question is, can this friendship of theirs remain as just that, a "friendship" or should I be getting more and more worried that they are planning things behind my back. I love my husband and my family but at the same time, I do not want to be played as a fool and I get tired of the constant fights that my husband & I have over his "friend."


It sounds like your husband has a bit of the knight in shining armor syndrome going on with this woman. She makes him feel important and needed. I have a few close female friends I hang out with from time to time, mostly married though and I am friends with their husbands as well as them being friends with my wife. I kind of agree with @Luckylucky. Your husband might be getting a lift out of your jealousy as well. Removing that might make his enjoyment of helping her out a little less, and her drama a little more annoying. 

At the end of the day he needs to realize him dropping everything to run and bail her out of whatever issue she is dealing with is going to slowly chip away at your marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This is the Donkey and Princess Fiona dilemma. If he is doing stuff Shrek would do for donkey but not Princess Fiona then it’s not completely awful as long as he doesn’t spend too much time on it. If he is doing Princess Fiona level stuff then there is a big problem.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can always force the issue by telling them both off at the same time. I would consult with an attorney first. Your husband minimizes your concerns and expects you to play 2nd fiddle to loudmouth. He doesn't have your back. Since she likes him so much, she can keep him.


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## scarletandgrey (Feb 15, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You can always force the issue by telling them both off at the same time. I would consult with an attorney first. Your husband minimizes your concerns and expects you to play 2nd fiddle to loudmouth. He doesn't have your back. Since she likes him so much, she can keep him.


The OP clearly doesn’t know how to handle this situation.

She needs to understand that if her husband is indeed cheating with this woman, she needs to file for a divorce.

If she finds out that he is not cheating with this woman, then she needs to schedule an appointment with a therapist and try to find out why she is so paranoid/suspicious.

Clearly this isn’t a good marriage.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

scarletandgrey said:


> If her husband is having an affair with this woman than she needs to file for a divorce.
> 
> *If he is not having an affair, than she needs togo to counseling and find out why she is being so paranoid.*
> 
> It’s not that hard.


To the bolded....If he is not having an affair and continues to treat his wife disrespectfully by placing this friend above his own wife then wife still needs to boot him to the curb. There is nothing paranoid about noticing your husband treating another female better than he treats his wife, affair or not.

Wife has just as much say as husband does. If wife doesn't want female friend around then that's the end of the story. You seem to have trouble grasping the fact that women can think and make decisions for themselves.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

scarletandgrey said:


> The OP clearly doesn’t know how to handle this situation.
> 
> She needs to understand that if her husband is indeed cheating with this woman, she needs to file for a divorce.
> 
> ...


Do you really think anyone is going to listen to your advice after the ****-show you put on in your thread? Seriously? I'm seeing multiple personalities.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

All else is really irrelevant to this question, does your husband care about your feelings or not? The real answer comes with actions not words.


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## scarletandgrey (Feb 15, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you really think anyone is going to listen to your advice after the ****-show you put on in your thread? Seriously? I'm seeing multiple personalities.


There was only 1 person on this forum that gave me the best advice.

As far as what I stated on my post about the OP, those are facts....pure and simple.


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## scarletandgrey (Feb 15, 2021)

Not said:


> To the bolded....If he is not having an affair and continues to treat his wife disrespectfully by placing this friend above his own wife then wife still needs to boot him to the curb. There is nothing paranoid about noticing your husband treating another female better than he treats his wife, affair or not.
> 
> Wife has just as much say as husband does. If wife doesn't want female friend around then that's the end of the story. You seem to have trouble grasping the fact that women can think and make decisions for themselves.


I don’t have trouble grasping on to anything.

I’m providing facts when it comes to the OP’s Situation.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

scarletandgrey said:


> I don’t have trouble grasping on to anything.
> 
> I’m providing facts when it comes to the OP’s Situation.


Telling the OP that she's being paranoid by her husbands behavior toward her only if her husband is not having an affair is not providing facts. It's your personal opinion and your insinuation is demeaning.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

scarletandgrey said:


> I don’t have trouble grasping on to anything.
> 
> I’m providing facts when it comes to the OP’s Situation.


I know you think it's some big deal that you graduated from college and got accepted to graduate school (when in actuality many people think this is really just an average type accomplishment) (and before you ask, yeah I have a master's degree, big ****ing whoop), but you seem to even be CONFUSED about the meaning of the word "fact". 

OP is correct to think this is an inappropriate, harmful friendship and should do everything she can to get out of the situation she's in.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think that, even if your husband is not actively having sex with his so-called best friend, then he is still betraying your marriage with this relationship he maintains with her. I'm a guy that has made several close female friendships over the years and I wouldn't get rid of those friendships just because I was married, but some of those people I have known for my entire life or close to it. This woman is just someone your husband met when he was with you, and as a married man, he should have kept her at a distance to respect the vows of his marriage to you. Now is he actively choosing her over you when he tells you that you're just jealous. Of course you're jealous, your husband basically has a girlfriend. 

I'd explain to him how you feel and I would take a stand. He either gets rid of this "friend" of his or you're gone. Before I did that, I would consult with a divorce lawyer to see what my options are. Have things set up so that, if he makes the wrong choice, you can slap him in the face with divorce papers before he has time to blink.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I know you think it's some big deal that you graduated from college and got accepted to graduate school (when in actuality many people think this is really just an average type accomplishment) (and before you ask, yeah I have a master's degree, big ****ing whoop), but you seem to even be CONFUSED about the meaning of the word "fact".
> 
> OP is correct to think this is an inappropriate, harmful friendship and should do everything she can to get out of the situation she's in.


Prioritizing a friend over your spouse is an emotional affair which is also bad.

what if the OP were to find out that he's spending rather generous sums on the "best friend." ie "Honey, I want our child to go to the private school in the neighborhood." Otherwise engaged spouse "We don't have the money."


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

scarletandgrey said:


> Ask him if he is having an affair? If he says no, you don’t need to be paranoid/upset. If he says yes, file for a divorce.
> 
> It’s as simple as that.
> 
> ...


Lol, because cheaters always admit to affairs when asked. This is the worst advice. OP is not being paranoid, she's fed up with having to be on guard all the damn time about her marriage.

OP - tell your husband that his "friendship" with this woman makes you very uncomfortable and you're not prepared to stay married to him if it continues. His response will be the answer you need. Don't bother with her, she's nothing to you, don't involve her, keep it between you and your husband.

You are NOT being paranoid, or controlling (he'll tell you that you are fyi). You are protecting your marriage. So many affairs start out just like this - and neither participant ever intended for it to happen. Opposite sex friendships are fine, but they do need different boundaries than same sex friendships, and the reason for that should be crystal clear.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> You are NOT being paranoid, or controlling (he'll tell you that you are fyi).


Or jealous.I dated a guy who tried to make me jealous for him due to ex gf or maybe estranged gf. He did succeed in making me jealous .... the point that I dumped him because I wanted a bf who treated me the way he claimed he treated his ex and her 3 kids. (None was his ..... of course.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scarletandgrey said:


> If her husband is having an affair with this woman than she needs to file for a divorce.
> 
> If he is not having an affair, than she needs togo to counseling and find out why she is being so paranoid.
> 
> It’s not that hard.


I agree with you on this. However, there is something to keep in mind. If she asks him if he's cheating he will most likely say that he's not cheating whether is is or not. She is not likely to find out the truth by asking him. People who cheat lie. They lie to their spouse and they lie to their affair partner. She needs to find out some other way if he's cheating or not.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@trickylacey14 is there a group of friends or is it just the two of them? Has he got other friends as well that he neglects? Family?

Given they’ve been friends for 5 years, what does everyone else think of this? Or are they isolated enough that no-one else knows how close they are?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I think this is terrible advice.
> 
> It's been five years already and he's not sick of this "friend".
> 
> I'd ask to go to counseling. If he refused, I'd be thinking about terminating the marriage.


Not necessarily terrible, just a suggestion. I can only assume that she’s tried everything, told him how it makes her feel and she says she’s tired of the fights. So it’s an ongoing issue, she’s being set up as the jealous crazy and controlling one, instead of the women who’s actually calling all the shots and controlling the husband.

I can also only assume she also tried counselling and also talked about terminating the marriage etc.

He’s obviously still with his wife 5 years later and Miss Noisy can only come out on top as the really important friend he falls back on because the marriage is ending - that part is totally his fault, absolutely. But this little team won’t see that, she’ll be the bad guy. He may really just be the white knight and doesn’t see her that way, but she definitely wants more of him. 

It might not be the best advice but hey insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result.

Anything done so far by the wife gives the two buddies more of a bond, and husband gets to have the understanding homewrecker be the open arms to run to when wife fights, issues ultimatums etc. ‘Oh you poor thing, she’s terrible isn’t she, she’s going to leave you because you’re not allowed to have friends!’


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I have a good friend who is female (we have a profession in common and worked together in the past) and I see her socially probably four or five times a year. Occasionally my wife goes along. Every time I see her, my wife knows exactly where I am and when I’m going to be back. This friend is divorced but dating a nice guy, who I also know.

Having said that, I think this friendship is uncommon. I’d also say without hesitating that if my wife came to me out of the blue and said she was uncomfortable with it; I’d politely end that friendship in two seconds. I think it’s possible to have friends of the OS if your spouse is your first consideration. 

If you aren't your husbands first consideration, tell him to end this relationship. Period.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You have to be careful with the women who play the "I need you and you save me and you're my hero" card because a whole lot of men really believe that and don't see it for what it most often is which is some sort of manipulation. And why you have to be careful is the same woman who will use that will not hesitate to cry on his shoulder and act all innocent and hurt and like the victim if you call her or him out on it. 

I have been severely burned that way and found myself in a position where there was nothing I could do that would have been the right thing. If he wants to believe he's her hero, he's going to believe it and defend her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My husband has had a close female friend for 12 years. They chat, we meet up often, and I have once left her alone here with him when she came to visit - I was suddenly called away to a family emergency. She respectfully left soon after. She could have stayed on for hours and I wouldn’t have had an issue. Because she has boundaries and she respects me and my marriage.

She has since divorced her husband, but she never said a word about her marital problems to my husband, never complained about money, never once asked him for help and many times she and I have been out together alone. My husband and I heard from someone else that she had left her husband. She is a single mum and makes even less contact with my husband now. That’s a female friend.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I also wanted to add, she has never met with my husband without me there, or without her ex-husband there. The invitation was always for me as well, and she would always call me first, not my husband. There were only two occasions in 12 years where I wasn’t present due to illness and they were never alone. She and I often caught up together with the kids when our husbands were busy. They also met while studying. She had many problems, financial, in-law issues, 4 small kids and now has a debilitating illness. She discussed all those problems with me, not my husband and she didn’t even ask me for help let alone ever discuss these things with him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you go the direct route, I don't think it will be helpful to use labels like "cheating." I had this problem with my (future) husband. He would always derail the discussion with "She's just a friend, ok?" and then top it up with "And she has a boyfriend."

We had a far more productive discussion after I played a little private investigator. I was able to mention point for point that what he was doing for her was well over the top compared to what he was doing for me. And I was the faithful one - no more going out with other guys; dates that started Friday evening and end Sunday evening; and so on.

I told if that's how he treats just a friend, then I want to be just a friend and free to date other men to find a boyfriend like what she has. He changed his tune, immediately.

If I didn't have these specifics at hand, we never would have had that conversation. Do a few investigations first.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Eh I dunno...

I've been around a while and have numerous male friends and business associates...I can't recall a single one that ever even had a female "friend" let alone *best *friend...Acquaintance ? Sure...but hang around with and do stuff with kind of friend?? Nah...

Most secure and heterosexual guys don't play the orbiter game with women...Plus most men realize this would cause all kinds of grief if currently in a marriage/relationship....Not.....worth,.......it.....


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> Eh I dunno...
> 
> I've been around a while and have numerous male friends and business associates...I can't recall a single one that ever even had a female "friend" let alone *best *friend...Acquaintance ? Sure...but hang around with and do stuff with kind of friend?? Nah...
> 
> Most secure and heterosexual guys don't play the orbiter game with women...Plus most men realize this would cause all kinds of grief if currently in a marriage/relationship....Not.....worth,.......it.....


Does the reference to heterosexuality imply he could be gay? Is that something to be concerned about?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> Does the reference to heterosexuality imply he could be gay? Is that something to be concerned about?



I wouldn't necessarily say that, but who knows?

All I am saying is that most guys don't do it(IME)...That role of "white knight" or Captain whatever just isn't what a lot of emotionally stable guys really want to deal with...Only the dopes and guys that have struggled getting female attention, put up with being an orbiter and getting used for lame female "attention".. Over the years I have had numerous women try to "befriend" me...Who knows what their motivation was, the point is even if they wanted me in a romantic sense which no doubt some did, I didn't want them, wasn't available anyway even if I did, and all it would wind up being is me doing a lot of crap for them and getting nothing in return...while causing unrest in my own relationship, like the OP..

Women like to befriend guys....IMO its a survival tactic for a lot of them, especially the one's that don't have a lot of money...They aren't stupid, guys offer way more than women do in terms of being able to fix stuff, move stuff ,build stuff, etc...Even now with all the snow, how nice would it be to call her sorry idiot with the F250 with the plow blade and bat her eyes so he gets her dug out from the storms.. They even offer a woman some means of "protection" if she feels unsafe..Its a mostly one sided deal..

I know a woman like this...She is a relative of a buddy of mine...She isn't bad looking, but she's annoying AF, and every time she'd post a pic with a guy, it was after this moron helped her with a nice couch she found on Craigslist or some other shyt...A peck on the cheek and a slap on the back until the next time she needs something done..


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@hamadryad You’ve nailed it. I know these types of women, and we know a guy like this who has an absolutely darling wife, who DOES pay attention to him. He’s openly done this with so many of these women, it’s a small community so everyone knows everything, and his wife builds him up, takes great care of him and we all just shake our heads. They are both good looking, but he picks the crazies every time. He never physically cheated with any of them, all of them are married too. But at social functions one of these women just has to bat an eyelid and he’s off being her ‘buddy’ for the next few months. I don’t know if the wife allows it, or puts a stop to it, who knows.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

scarletandgrey said:


> I don’t have trouble grasping on to anything.
> 
> I’m providing facts when it comes to the OP’s Situation.


No you are not. You ask a cheater if they are having an affair, duh, they will say no. So that advice is not useful, not a fact either, it is plain wrong and dangerous as it puts him on notice she suspects and then he takes it underground. Haven’t your learnt anything on this forum?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Men do not have female one on one friends that they don’t want to sleep with period. The issue is that you feel disrespected and second place. This is where you should start. Calmly tell him that you have felt this way for years and put up with it but no more. Tell him if he insisted then you will be getting a male friend of your own to do all the things for you that he does for her. 
Then do a hard 180 on him, do not do it partially But full on. He will notice. Tell him you are not interested in a second rate husband who runs to the aid of another woman and spends time being her KISA and you are thinking that you are thinking that you are worth so much more and perhaps the marriage is not enough for you. You need to give him some shock and awe. Visit a lawyer also.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

To all the people who swear that straight guys have to be orbiters to have female friends, I'm gonna disagree with you there. I'm straight and I have several female friends I have made over the years from childhood friends to college friends. Women have value beyond sex to me.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> It sounds like your husband has a bit of the knight in shining armor syndrome going on with this woman. She makes him feel important and needed.


I had this issue once with my husband. He took out the garbage for some chick, who has a husband. I got so pissed off, I'm like "she has an effing husband, let him do it"... that was the last time he ever did it again, lol.


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

I'm willing to bet this woman is attractive, right? He may not be having a physical affair with her, but he most definitely is having an emotional affair. I'd be concerned and keep my eyes wide open. What he's doing is incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage, especially since he's shutting down and dismissing your concerns. A lot of men like to play hero to "damsels in distress", or as a PP said, enjoy having two women need them.

We don't have close opposite sex friendships in my current relationship. I did when we first started dating, but I promptly distanced myself and dropped the ones who weren't really my 'friends" once my boyfriend expressed discomfort with it.

I was in your exact situation with my ex of 7 years. He was way too close to a female coworker, spoke with her daily, even outside work hours and during weekends/holidays. She would call him whenever she needed something or wanted to vent. He would also drop her off after work. Like the woman in your post, she was also very loud and outspoken, and I am like you, more quiet and reserved. Oh, and she was married and supposedly her husband was okay with their close "friendship". I don't believe he ever physically cheated with her. But I later found out he was once attracted to her and wanted to date her when they first started working together, but she didn't want him. They were most definitely having an emotional affair. She also didn't like me and didn't want me around at their coworker events. Just the same, my ex kept saying I was being jealous, overreacting, they're just friends. 

I struggled with it for months...it only lessened considerably when I had enough and couldn't take the anxiety anymore (got to the point where I'd get anxious every time a text came in from her), and I gave him an ultimatum: Me or her, AND I showed him an article on emotional cheating. I was ready to walk at that point. It may come to this for you, as well, and if he chooses her, then you have your answer. Sometimes they think they're doing nothing wrong just because they're not physically cheating.

The recommendation to read "Not Just Friends" is a good one, as well. Good luck!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Enigma32 said:


> I think that, even if your husband is not actively having sex with his so-called best friend, then he is still betraying your marriage with this relationship he maintains with her. I'm a guy that has made several close female friendships over the years and I wouldn't get rid of those friendships just because I was married, but some of those people I have known for my entire life or close to it. This woman is just someone your husband met when he was with you, and as a married man, he should have kept her at a distance to respect the vows of his marriage to you. Now is he actively choosing her over you when he tells you that you're just jealous. Of course you're jealous, your husband basically has a girlfriend.
> 
> I'd explain to him how you feel and I would take a stand. He either gets rid of this "friend" of his or you're gone. Before I did that, I would consult with a divorce lawyer to see what my options are. Have things set up so that, if he makes the wrong choice, you can slap him in the face with divorce papers before he has time to blink.


Couldn't agree more. I have a male best friend. And I wouldn't get rid of him. But, when I was married my husband came first and there was no question about it. And my male best friend has girlfriends and they always come first. That's just how it should be. It was on me to make sure my husband never had a reason to be jealous. On the other, my husband didn't have the same rule and he minimized me feeling uncomfortable with some of his relationships with women. And sure enough, he cheated with one. He might have cheated with more, and I don't know about it, but I know about the last one. 

OP, you are right to not feel comfortable and your husband is making some bad choices with boundaries. Now that you have talked to him about it, there isn't much you can do. But you should consider if you want to maintain a marriage with someone who has such poor boundaries. And I think you should let him know that he is putting his marriage at risk. But once you've let him know you need to let go of the idea that you can change him. You can't. All you can do is decide what you are going to do about it.


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## NicoleCJ (Sep 25, 2016)

I apologize for the length, but bare with me as I’ve been through almost the exact same thing except my husbands “friend” was one of my close “friends” We were friends with both her and her husband. Loved their 3 kids. They loved mine. I was pregnant with my first when we first started socializing with them. I knew her husband as a customer where I worked. And her as well. I initially disliked her. Thought she was trashy. Should have trusted my gut back then. ALWAYS trust your gut. Your spidey senses are rarely wrong. I will never make the mistake of doubting them again! We hired him to do some work at our house. He brought her over once. Me being who I am, always tried to find the good in people and always liked to help people, decided to find the good in her and give her a chance. We all became friends. Fast forward a couple years. She and I are pretty close friends. We’ve been on trips together, spend a lot of time together. Have them over a lot, dinner, playing pool, just having fun. They come to my sons bday parties, same for their kids. Do lots of couples nights out etc. We’re all good friends. One day, my husband was going to meet her at a place to drop off her vehicle to get some work done. He knew the guys there and just wanted them to know she was a friend and to treat her well. Make sure they know what the car needs and that everything goes smoothly. Her husband couldn’t be there so he offered. I had no problem with that. He always was the first to offer help and had a lot of female friends. Even would meet up with some for lunch on occasion. He’s even had lunch with some of my friends before. I had no issues with that, but when he called to let me know that they got her car dropped off and that he had stayed and walked down the street with her to grab some lunch while she waited for her car so she wouldn’t have to wait alone my stomach dropped. My spidey senses were screaming. Something about it was just wrong. My husband was a flirt and she was definitely a narcissist. So I didn’t like it and was definitely growing more and more uncomfortable with the way they flirted when we were all together, but I trusted my husband and didn’t want anyone to think I was jealous or insecure etc. So that lunch turned in to “Hey, do you mind if Skankho and I run to the mall tomorrow? We’re both going to be out so yada yada yada....” I could continue on about all the things I started to become uncomfortable with that would I’m sure be very similar to what you’re going through. I started to voice my feelings. Told him I didn’t like it. She was viewing his flirtatious behavior and friendship as much more. It’s crossing my boundaries...I could sense it. If it didn’t stop someone was going to get hurt. I would get the same replies as you. “We’re just friends” “Why are you so jealous” “why don’t you trust me?” “I’m just trying to help her with some issues and her husband is busy” They all say the same thing. It’s laughable. What ended up happening. Almost 6 years after we all became friends, I found out that while I was pregnant with my second they decided that since I didn’t like them seeing each other/hanging out anymore, they would just do it anyways and lie to myself and her husband. Which then gave her the opportunity to whine and cry about her sad marriage, tell him how awesome he was, be so very grateful for buying her lunch, so appreciative (unlike your wife) and so happy to see him that what may have started as a friendship turned into a full blown emotional affair that had started to go physical. Meeting in parking lots, kissing hugging etc. One day she was talking to an acquaintance of hers about how awful her marriage was going, but she had this “friend” she had been seeing. She liked him a lot. He was financially well off, was really smart, nice, had a really cool unique vehicle that she loved. Basically she wanted this guy and was determined to get him. She was asked if they’d had sex. She said not yet, but that they’ve kissed and she had plans on it going there. She didn’t want to say his name because he was known in the area and he was married. She was friends with the wife and she knew that they were friends, but not that they were seeing each other. The wife didn’t like it so he just lied to the wife and saw her anyways. She wasn’t sure she could get him to leave his wife, but that was definitely her plan. At that point her acquaintance, who had put things together by things she had mentioned, asked Skankho if she was talking about Mr NicoleCJ? She just froze. She had no idea that this acquaintance she was bragging to about having an affair with a married man was my friend who egged her on to get as much info as she could before she told her that she knew “the wife” and what she was doing was a real ****ty thing and she needed to put a stop to it. Skankho, petrified and freaked out, tried to downplay everything she had just admitted, mumbled an excuse and left quickly. My friend told me what happened, but she only told me the bare minimum to get me to get this friend out of my life. She didn’t tell me about the kissing. She only told me that they were getting together behind my back and that Skankho was after my husband. It was really hard for her to do. She felt husband was being manipulated and she didn’t want to hurt me with all the info so just wanted me to get her out of my life. So I went home confronted husband, husband minimized and lied, said he’d only not told me about 2 lunches because he was just trying to ‘help her with her marriage” and didn’t tell me because I was pregnant at the time and you know....”hormones” would’ve made me unnecessarily jealous and I would’ve misunderstood. He then said he’d take care of it. Called Skankho, yelled at her, told her never to call him again and very quickly kicked her to the curb, threw her back under the rock she crawled out from faster than I’ve ever seen a man move. Unfortunately my life was changed forever. A double betrayal is horrific. Even more so when you’re pregnant. I found out about 2 months after my baby was born. It was horrible. To this day we’re fighting for our marriage. Sorry this was so long, but I want you to learn from my mistakes. Things I would do different....
#1 STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!!! Don’t wait, don’t ask. Don’t play games like some others have said or pretend you don’t care, get your own “friend”. Horrible advice! That’s just giving him permission to continue. End it! It’s not up for debate. You are his wife. This crosses you’re boundaries and is unacceptable. He can either have you, his marriage, his children (if you have them), his home and life as he somewhat knows it or he can have her. Period. If he starts gaslighting you with the “we’re just friends...you’re jealous” bs, then walk into the bedroom and start packing his ****. Seriously. Tell him he doesn’t get to have you both. That will most likely shock the hell out of him. And put a bit of fear in him as well. Is she worth losing half his property, finances, child support? Probably not, but unless you shine the floodlight of reality on his unicorn fantasy it will continue. He needs to know you’re serious. It may even take him actually leaving for it to sink in and see you’re serious. He will respect that you’re standing up for yourself. Especially if you’re normally a mild, easy going person like I was.
#2 Put you’re pride aside where she is concerned. I was so worried about not wanting Skankho to think I was jealous of her that I basically let it continue. If I could go back I would give zero f’s and cut that friendship off and tell her to pound sand. This woman is inconsequential in your life. Who cares what she thinks. Get her gone by any means and do it yesterday!
#3 You need to know that this is most likely, at best an emotional affair. Very possibly a full on physical affair. They’ve been at this a long time. My husband definitely had KISA issues and she played him easily. He allowed it, was a willing participant, but still, guys like that have an incredible weakness for the needy damsels. Makes them feel all big, important, appreciated, happy and free like a teenager. They start to see them as what was missing from their life even if nothing was. They start finding fault at home and projecting rainbows and sparkles on this wonderful person who “gets” them. It’s all a fake fantasy that almost always comes crashing down, but before that does know that almost all emotional affairs go physical if there is mutual attraction. Especially if they’ve had much alone time or easy and private access to each other. Be prepared for that.
#4 If he acts sketchy or admits that he has feelings for her but says nothing has happened yet or admits that something has been going on start digging. Find out how they’ve been communicating and snoop. Snoop until your nose hurts. Look up the phone bill, check emails, texts. There is recovery software you can run on iPhone and Android to get deleted texts, WhatsApp, photos etc. I used Fonelab. Worked great. Don’t wait. If he scoffs at turning over his passwords or devices then I would wonder why and tell him that is non negotiable. Hand them over or leave. Someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. 
Just don’t let this go. It needs to stop. I will never ever allow that boundary to be crossed again. Same sex friends who are not part of a couple are a non starter for me. There is NEVER a reason to talk about your bad marriage or sad circumstance with someone from the opposite sex. That will lead to nothing but attachment, a feeling of responsibility in making someone happy and a sense of obligation that gets into an area of very blurry lines. There just is no place for it. There just isn’t. It’s too easy for an EA to happen. Marriages need boundaries. Let him know yours and stick to them. The Shirley Glass book others have recommended is a great one if he needs the mental nudge and if by some miracle this is still a just friends situation. If it has gone further, then I would recommend the book by Linda J MacDonald - How to help your spouse heal from your affair. I hope nothing has happened, but you’ve got to put an end to it now. It’s been absolute hell for me. I have some corroboration that my husband and skanky ex friend were caught before sex happened, but honestly I will never truly know and in the end I found out it was a lot more than the 2 lunches he admitted to. It was 8 months of getting together several times a week, with “feelings” developing towards the end when the kissing goodbye started. I have a very hard time believing that they were just platonic pecks goodbye after an innocent lunch. Is it possible? Yes, and she said something similar when bragging to my friend, but I don’t know. And I don’t know that I will ever trust again. Don’t put yourself in my shoes. DO something about it now!


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