# How do you stop worrying about your ex and move on?



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I know this doesn't apply to most people. But my ex husband is a mess. Ever since we divorced in February, he went from having no debt to now over 40k in debt. He maxed out his credit cards and is barely making ends meet. His truck is on its last leg and today is in need of repairs and cant afford it. He is always asking me for help. I say no. I was the one in control of the finances when we were married and I KNEW without a doubt that he would not be able to suddenly be responsible once I cut the cord so to speak. He is the MOST irresponsible person I know. He has a struggling masonry business and makes hardly anything and its always been this way. My income paid our bills. But now he is on his own and sends me a text that he has no money to buy lunch!! Its really sad. I cry sometimes. I beg him to get on welfare, food stamps since I know he would qualify but he has too much pride and refuses. I wish I could let go and not worry. But watching him go downhill and KNOWING this would happen is very hard.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you have kids together? Any other loose ends that require communication? If not, cut communication with him. Don't respond to his emails, texts, etc. They'll die off. 

If you do need to stay in touch with him, focus on the 180. Communicate when you must, but stick to the parts that you need to. Don't get drawn in. 

Both of these will be an ongoing process. If you fall off the horse one day, get back on and try to do better the next day. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

We have two children, ages 4 and 8, and he sees them once a week and has them every other weekend. Otherwise, I would cut communication. 

My biggest fear is that he will lose his apartment and the kids wont have a place to go during his scheduled time with them. Or that he will move in with his mom who lives an hour away which will just make it harder for them to see him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Where he lives is his business. When it comes to communicating then, ignore anything that isn't related to the kids. Pretend it's not there. When he stops getting sympathy from you on it, eventually he'll stop telling you about it. Hopefully. . 

You need to let him grow up and live his life. If that means things are uncomfortable for him, too bad. He can get another job, work multiple jobs, whatever. That's his decision, and his issue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex was and is one of the most financially irresponsible men around. I footed the bill for more than one failed business venture and his unwillingness to work put a huge strain on our marriage (his multiple A didn't help either, but that's a different story). 

His situation is the life he has chosen, although it is unlikely he sees it that way. If his business is failing, then he should try to find other employment. If he's in debt, then discuss it with a debt counselor or file bankruptcy. Look I know its hard, but lots of people have two jobs to make ends meet. But those are suggestions that would help him and I offer them only to remind you that there are things he can do to make his situation better if he was willing to do them.

To help you, you need to disengage. Keep telling yourself it is not your responsibility to pick up the pieces of his life. Let the phone calls go to voicemail and only answer if it is about the kids. Ignore texts and emails that are not about the kids. Moving in with family is not the end of the world for either him or your children. If the kids are a priority he will make it work. And a 1 hour commute is an every day occurrence in NYC, just saying.

Every day you will get stronger.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's got too much pride to get food stamps but not too much to cry to his ex wife for help. This makes it pretty clear that you've long been an enabler for him.

Stop responding to him and crying over him, he's an adult and you're not his mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

PAGirl - Sweet Jesus - I could have written this post. Same scenario. Ex is horrible at handling money, always broke, pride stops him from closing down his business or running it more efficiently to make a profit. He always tells me he has no gas, van broke down, has no money for child support. It is SO frustrating to be the adult and communicate with him in reference to our child. 

My ex chose to have an affair, so he brought on most of his situation himself, but damned if he sees it like that. Plays victim all the time. Everything happens to him and he can't cut a break. Always blaming me for his life choices and economic place. 

90% of me deals with him as a distant relation - just one word answers. no emotion. But 10% I must admit feels bad for him and his false pride which is keeping him from starting a relationship with his DD. 

I am sorry you are feeling like this and wish I could help with advice.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The International Union of Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers (BAC)

If he can, this would be a great way to go. It would give him decent money, work, and he'd be eligible for UC benefits when bad weather stops work. 

It would however, make him less available to see his children, since he would have to travel sometimes to keep working steadily.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Been there PA...my exh was the same, I was the breadwinner and in control of all the finances, I knew he would plunge into debt due to his irresponsible behavior after D.... It was hard to watch, and the complaints and ask for help came in...I broke and helped him waay to much the first 6 months after D...like you I was also worried that he would have to move away far from our DS when he ran out of money... thankfully that has not come to pass, but he is in debt. .. I do not help him out anymore but I will say child support is irregular. .. best to do, if you can, is realize these are the choices they made, you are not responsible for them anymore.. they are adults and needs to figure it out for themselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

probably not the case here but it does all depend to on the whole picture . Who broke up the marriage , who did and payed what during the marriage with work, bills, renovations , who sacrificed what to sometimes allow the other to do things.

Ours for example . Told one way it could say things like here in this thread. But the big picture was totally different.
l was self employed and my money came in all over the place. l also backed work right off to work on the property and build up 100's of k in equity.
Meanwhile ex was working 9 to 5 and did have the regular wage wk in wk out.
So yeah , our idea was she payed all the bills with that and l put mine into doing up the property.
She also took care of all our bills and finances .
She was working her job more than mine but l was working on the house to build equity to refinance it. That was our idea.
And l often worked on the place all w/e also while she was of somewhere or on her ass watching tv.
So it was all a bit of a work in progress but that was our basic idea.

Our setup was a 2wage thing to so that when we split , one wage couldn't cover all our stuff and then we had her new rent on top of it.
So we helped each other out as best we could until we just recently sold the house.

But she was also the one that destroyed the family so when she racked up 18k in extra debt out on her own setting up her new life well , l sure wasn't helping with that section of the finances . But that depends to bc sometimes she'd pit stuff on the cc so that she could pay our end of things or help out there and sometimes it couldn't go back on next time one of us got payed so our stuff was also part of her debt.

Anyway , house is sold now which l stayed on alone to finish more on it for a better price, l payed for it all and l handled the whole sale from start to end. Our d is through now but we do still help each other out any time one of us needs something.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP it is certainly hard to stop feeling responsible for someone after taking care of their needs for years, especially when there are kids involved and you want them to see both their parents in a positive light. 

My ex left me and the kids for another man yet still kept calling me and asking for help and advise, and for months I kept helping. She even tried to get me to pay for a vacation she wanted to take the kids on with her new boyfriend, "for the kids sake" lol. Finally I just started telling her "you are no longer my responsibility, stop asking for my help". For a time it turned ugly on her part, lots of desperate and then nasty text and emails, but you just learn to ignore everything unless specifically concerning the kids. 

The man is your ex husband, that means there is NO reason to be involved in each others day to day lives. Stop letting his bad decisions affect your day. If his truck breaks down that is not your problem. If his business fails that is not your problem. If he loses his home that is not your problem. He can find another job, he can move, he can save for a better truck, his responsibility, not yours.

Stop responding to his messages, stop letting him manipulate your emotions.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You cannot save someone from themselves. 

Stop responding. Is he calling or texting? Don't answer. Ever. Only answer calls or texts when the kids are with him and there may be an emergency.

It is not up to you to make sure he works, he has a place to live, whether he has a vehicle or whether or not his choices result in his having to move back with his parents. If he has to drive further to pick them up he just does. Custody/visitation is generally based on where the kids are the majority of the time and who moved away. If you are in the same general area as you were during the marriage, he is the one who has to drive. 

Notice all of these things are the results of HIS actions and HIS choices. They are NOT your responsibility. I'm not telling you to be cold hearted - consider this tough "love". He will never be a responsible adult as long as someone allows him to mooch.

He knows he has X dollars to last him until he gets paid again. So he needs to buy a freakin loaf of bread so he can make lunches for that many days. 

If he can't make it to get the kids, explain the situation. "Dad's truck isn't working right now so he has to take care of that - he won't be able to make it. I'm sure he'll try to make it up to you guys." If he has to move back in with his mother, he has to pick them up and take them there. If he doesn't have enough gas money, oh well. "Sorry, kids - Dad didn't set aside money for gas and now he doesn't have enough to pick you up." If they ask why you don't take them, say "It's up to your Dad. We both have jobs and we both have to budget our money and we both have to plan accordingly. I can't do it for him." If it's true, say "I have budgeted just enough money for gas to get me to work and you guys to school. I didn't plan any extra to drive that far and I am ot taking it out of savings - that's for emergencies and this is not an emergency. If I use that money for this, then if MY car needs repairs, I won't have it."

Let this be a lesson to the kids. Budgeting, being responsible, meeting your obligations - are all part of being an adult.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just remember:


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

PAgirl said:


> I know this doesn't apply to most people. But my ex husband is a mess. Ever since we divorced in February, he went from having no debt to now over 40k in debt. He maxed out his credit cards and is barely making ends meet. His truck is on its last leg and today is in need of repairs and cant afford it. He is always asking me for help. I say no. I was the one in control of the finances when we were married and I KNEW without a doubt that he would not be able to suddenly be responsible once I cut the cord so to speak. He is the MOST irresponsible person I know. He has a struggling masonry business and makes hardly anything and its always been this way. My income paid our bills. But now he is on his own and sends me a text that he has no money to buy lunch!! Its really sad. I cry sometimes. I beg him to get on welfare, food stamps since I know he would qualify but he has too much pride and refuses. I wish I could let go and not worry. But watching him go downhill and KNOWING this would happen is very hard.


It is called manipulation. My ex used to do this to me all the time, last time he did it was just a few months ago.
It is very heartbreaking to hear of these unfortunate events. I know. 
It took time, a lot of time, for me to see him as he truly is. I am sorry I cannot offer any other help, but you will get there in time.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why won't he try a union building job?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

This sounds just like my soon to be ex husband. He cannot handle money. I made sure rent, utilities, and phone bills were paid. I can't stop the tears from flowing over him though. It's really tearing me up because he has disabilities, but he's a real piece to deal with.

Stay strong is my only advice.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> The International Union of Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers (BAC)
> 
> If he can, this would be a great way to go. It would give him decent money, work, and he'd be eligible for UC benefits when bad weather stops work.
> 
> It would however, make him less available to see his children, since he would have to travel sometimes to keep working steadily.


Thanks! I will pass this on to him


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> This sounds just like my soon to be ex husband. He cannot handle money. I made sure rent, utilities, and phone bills were paid. I can't stop the tears from flowing over him though. It's really tearing me up because he has disabilities, but he's a real piece to deal with.
> 
> Stay strong is my only advice.


Thanks. Sounds like we are in the same boat.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You cannot save someone from themselves.
> 
> Stop responding. Is he calling or texting? Don't answer. Ever. Only answer calls or texts when the kids are with him and there may be an emergency.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree. And I believe the kids will learn valuable lessons too. We were together 9 1/2 years and had two kids. Our marriage failed and there was a lot of bad stuff that happened but even after all that, I still care about him. But yes, I cannot be his enabler that is for sure.


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