# Recently separated - want to ask a girl to hang out. Need feedback



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Hi all

A question for the ladies. I recently separated from my wife a few weeks ago. It was a long time coming and I had finally hit my breaking point. I feel relieved, my mind is clearer, and see a brighter future for me.

Anyway, I want to move on ASAP and I am. I hope to have a separation agreement signed in a couple of weeks but it's taking longer than I thought, mostly due to my lawyer's calendar. But I feel like someone who was just released from prison and now have this newfound freedom. I am anxious to start meeting new women even just to hang out, socialize etc. 

Here is my question. There is a girl at work I chat with on occasion. I would really like to ask her out for a coffee, not a date but just a one-time deal to hang out so I can experience the pleasure of her company. The problem is my STBX wife works in the same office I do (different floor / department from this girl). She also teaches yoga in the evenings part-time and the girl in question has gone to some of these classes. As far as I know, they are not friends but may have a quick chat in an elevator etc. I would imagine this girl enjoys going to these classes. Am I putting this girl in an awkward position by asking her to hang out? Am I being an moron for even considering this? I know she thinks I am a great guy and thinks highly of me so otherwise, there is a chance she would say yes.

If this was a girl with no connection to my STBX, then for me there would be no problem; I'd ask. The thing is life is too short and this is something I hoped one day I had the opportunity to do. So now I am finally separated which is a dream come true, but yet the moral dilemma plagues me. 

Thanks for any thoughts in advance.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hurra said:


> Am I being an moron for even considering this?


Yes.

There are plenty of women who you can ask out who it wouldn't be a slap in the face to your wife (or at least, it wouldn't get back to her in order to hurt her).


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Don't go there! That's far too close for comfort.

What's that saying?

Don't sh*t where you eat?

That's a disaster waiting to happen.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Don't do it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You're just asking for drama. Look elsewhere.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I don't think the issue is that you're trying to date while separated and she knows who your wife is.

I think the issue is that you need to stop dating people at work.

You work with your ex wife and you're considering dating someone also at work? You need to branch out and meet people somewhere else. You have to consider what happens to your work life when these relationships don't work out. Having one ex in the building already seems like one too many to me


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> *I think the issue is that you need to stop dating people at work.*


:iagree:


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## redhead40 (Apr 13, 2015)

Don't go there. It is never a good idea to date co-workers anyway. IMO.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

By the way, this reminded me of woman at a company that I worked at early at my career.

This woman divorced one guy at work that worked in her group. Then she moved groups and started dating another guy that worked in her new group. 

When she broke up with him, the ex-husband and him became best friends and I can tell you, it was pretty uncomfortable for her since she couldn't exactly escape it.

She ended up quitting.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hurra said:


> * Am I being an moron for even considering this?*


Yes.

Think of your long-term goal--to exit the marriage.

It is never an easy thing. But if you do this? You'll pour gasoline on your wife's attitude and have the match lit.

Wait until you have formalized agreements in place. and even then? look elsewhere for fun.


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## Jbato (Apr 6, 2015)

I agree with the rest on this string - not a good idea to date this person who is working in the same office as your STBX. There are many more fish in the sea....

Also, I would hold back for a little while longer and enjoy your freedom before jumping back into the band wagon. From my experience, there is no perfect woman out there, just like there is no perfect man!! Good luck


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Hurra said:


> *Here is my question. There is a girl at work I chat with on occasion. I would really like to ask her out for a coffee, not a date but just a one-time deal to hang out so I can experience the pleasure of her company*.


NB 'Not a date'. In view of this I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting her for a coffee. They could become friends (honestly)...she could introduce him to other woman she knows who are 'single and looking'....could be a start.

I would however concur with the other posters....actually 'dating' a co-worker isn't advisable.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

How old are you? Why do you want to date girls? Maybe do some growing up and then start dating women, particularly ones you don't work with.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Don't date people you work with.

Don't date people you work with who also work at the same place as an ex (ex wife, ex girlfriend, doesn't matter).

Even if it's a friendly thing (ie. not a date), appearances matter in the workplace and can bite you in the a** later on. You go out once for coffee with somebody, and within a week, I guarantee you some people will think you're dating or sleeping with each other. It's just the nature of it.

My first career-type job, I got through a female friend of mine. Strictly 100% platonic friend. I was engaged to my ex wife at the time, she was engaged to her boyfriend. So she gets me into this large company, where we end up working together in a smaller office. Because I didn't know anybody else, I hung out with her, and got to know her work buddies. I spent 2 years in that office with her before I moved on, and I swear to you, most people assumed we were a couple, whether they knew we were with other people or not.

I kid you not, the last day I spent in that office, somebody who I had worked with for those 2 years asked me if I'd miss working with my girlfriend. And she was serious. I also had a ring on my finger by that point.

Appearances matter more than you would think in the workplace. In my case it didn't have any negative repercussions career-wise (that I knew about), but I imagine at least SOME people thought I (and my friend) were cheating on our partners.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother's wife cheated on him and filed for divorce. He's had a bunch of women expressing interest in him, and he flat out told them all he wouldn't date at ALL until he is legally divorced. It's immoral in his mind, and if nothing else, he wants to retain his morals. You wouldn't believe how much just sticking to that raised his value in these women's eyes. I had wanted him to meet one of my coworkers, and when I told her he couldn't until he was legally divorced, she was like 'wow! Now I REALLY want to meet him! And I'll wait!'

Just something to think about.

And you didn't ask this, but I'll throw it in. Have you honestly taken a hard look at what problems YOU contributed to the demise of the marriage? If you haven't, you'll just add them to your NEXT situation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with what everyone here has said. Even if it's just to enjoy the company of a female, it's a little too close to home.

I would also advise against jumping into dating so soon. You've only just separated. 

I don't know your story, but everyone bears some responsibility for the breakdown of their marriage. Have you worked through all of that yet? 

Identified where you made mistakes, why you made them, and worked on yourself to prevent them from happening in the future? If you haven't, you'll only carry those into your next relationship, and you'll make the same mistakes over again.

Do you know WHO you are now that you're separated from your wife? Or are you looking to fill a void? There's nothing wrong with seeking out the company of other people--not just women, but people in general--but be careful that you're not seeking out female companionship because you don't know who you are without it.

Take this time to figure out who Hurra is and will be post-divorce. Who do you want to be? Do you know? You won't find those answers in others; you'll only find it within yourself. Take that time for yourself. Give yourself that gift, and focus on YOU.

NOW... for socialization! You want to get out and meet new people, yeah? That's great! I fully endorse that. Creating a new social circle who only know you as post-divorce, single Hurra can be a marvelous thing, and can help you see yourself in a new way. So, what do you like to do? Try to get involved in some groups of people who have similar interests. Check out meetup.com--it's great if you live in an urban area, not so great if you don't. Check out community events, or stuff at your local library; you might find some good opportunities there to meet people. Bulletin boards at coffee shops can be a great resource, too, to find out what's going on in your town. Look up old friends that you may have lost touch with while you were married.

Give that a try without thinking about getting back to dating for at least a few months.

And... another reason to not date for a little while: no emotionally healthy, good woman wants to be a man's sole social outlet. In turnera's post before mine... notice how the brother's social capital increased when the women found out he was waiting to date? It was a huge value-add for them; it signals that he's taking time to work out his issues, and that he wants to do it right the next time 'round.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

All valid points and deep down I agree to be honest. I am not looking to start dating and getting involved in a relationship at this point both in terms of getting my life on track and at least getting the separation agreement signed. And believe me, I am on a mission of epic proportions to do just that. I feel like I've been unleashed, back in control, and my future can be anything I want it to be with the real possibility of true happiness with someone. Many in my position would be scared, heartbroken, sad, etc but I am the opposite. I dreamed of this and now I am going to make the most of it.

I'm not hung up on the past. 'Yesterday has got nothing for me'. I'm not heartbroken as I've been out of love for years. I'm just pissed off I did not do this sooner but hindsight is 20/20. In any case, I'm not getting younger so sitting at home twiddling my thumbs for a year is not an option. I want to get into some new social circles, makes some new girl-friends, etc. 

As for how I contributed to the downfall of the marriage? I admit, I made some mistakes but they were known, discussed between us, and something I was trying to change (but these mistakes were made as a result of her manipulating and I didn't see it). Either way, did that contribute to the downfall of the marriage? I don't think as the issues with her go way back to after we got married. She was the one that lied, manipulated, deceived me, her family and friends for years about the weirdest things. Why she did that I still don't know but I have strong theories. Having said that, I have learned from all this and have a totally different view and attitude to bring to the dating table when I do start. Maybe I am trying to rush things but like I said, I'm in my early 40s and not getting any younger.

Thanks for your replies.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hurra--if you take your time, you'll be AMAZED at the difference a year post-separation (and post-divorce) makes!

And don't worry... early 40's? You've got plenty of time


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One of my many rules in life is:

The fewer roles that anyone person has in your life, the less drama you will have to take from them.

If your job is important to you...... do I really need to finish that?


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