# I cheated



## rebuildingjoe (Nov 14, 2011)

My wife and I have had ups and downs over the course of our 11 year marriage. She has definatley had some emotional issues. I think she is Bi-Polar and she has never addressed it. I have asked her over and over throughout our marriage to seek counseling with me and she has refused. I even started going myself several times and she would never come. I think she was afraid of what someone would tell her.

Her mood swings eventually drove me crazy and I started relying on pornography for physical release and then even emotional release. I got hooked,

In addition, my wife who is most often a sweet person had drastic mood swings and threatened me with divorce almost once a month and often told me know one loves you. I knew something was wrong but couldn't get any help for her. 

I cracked.

I had sex outside the marriage. I did it out of anger and out of a need to be appreciated. I did this several times with different partners over the years. It was all very anonymous. 

Well she caught me chatting and I admitted to everything. I was so mad I let it all out and I was ready to leave her.

Until..

I saw her crying uncontrollebly over me.....

I fell in love with her at that instant and knew I had been selfish and I shouldn't have done what I did. She doesn't understand it all and she goes from loving me to hating my guts. at the core of it she still has issues and right now I am her fixation good and bad.

I love this woman and I have turned to god and therapy and I have released my anger. While I cheated physically I did not emotionally. I only loved her. I believe she does not see her part in this and there can't be a any going forward until she does.

Can someone offer some advice? How does this story end?

she sits around making herself sad listening to songs about cheating and building hate for me. when I am there with her she is in my arms and we are in bed and passionate.

what do I do? I want so badly to save this family and this marriage.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The story ends the way you and your wife decide on how it will end.

Get her to go to marriage counseling with you. Promise her that the topic will only be about what you did, and how you both can fix the marriage. Meet with the marriage counselor on your own first to brief him/her on the delicate situation with your wife being bi-polar, and not wanting to go to counseling in the past.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife may have contributed to the toxic environment of the marriage but it was YOU who chose the crappy option of betraying her. You had choices, including divorcing her if she refused to get counseling. Nobody forced you to cheat, that was your decision alone. Own up to it FIRST and you may get good advise from other forum members.


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## rebuildingjoe (Nov 14, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your wife may have contributed to the toxic environment of the marriage but it was YOU who chose the crappy option of betraying her. You had choices, including divorcing her if she refused to get counseling. Nobody forced you to cheat, that was your decision alone. Own up to it FIRST and you may get good advise from other forum members.


Oh sorry if I sounded like I was blaming her. I am not. just laying it out. I blame myself. I wish I had the balls to walk out on her but it wasn't an option to lose my family. In retrospect, I should have actually left to let her know how serious things were. But the past doesn't do much about the future.

really hoping someone has advice. I am doing my best to be humble and I have let my anger go. I am active in counseling and church and doing my best.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What does your wife want? Does she want to continue being married to you or does she want a divorce? Without the answers to the questions it is difficult to give you good advise. It takes two committed spouses to save and rebuild a marriage.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How many years is several years and how many partners is several partners? How many years into the marriage did this begin?

I doubt you love her because she cried. You got caught. If you hadn't you would still be cheating. You feel guilty as you should but I seriously question love.

But given her prior behaviour, I would give this a 10% shot at survival. If she gets treated for her issues, maybe 20%. But it would take years of therapy on her part and extreme patience on your part. And since you cheat to make yourself feel better, you will likely stay with porn, get impatient with so little progress in terms of forgiveness and start down the chatting and cheating road. 

I'm not sure you understand the amount of time it takes to almost heal and the heartache those who have been cheated on suffer or the how the flashbacks never go away completely. And I am not sure you have the guts to give her the time she will need. That is if she wants to stay with you.

Get STD tests. Give her access to every account, every password, be tractable by gps on your phone and car, call her and give her your whereabouts often, tell her all about your day, etc.

Oh, and when I say accounts I mean phone, credit and bank accounts too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Joe, you say you "let it all out." I assume that means you gave her the full and complete truth. If I'm mistaken in that then that is the very first thing you must do. The second thing is there must forever more be no contact with any of your affair partners - never ever any contact at all. In light of the fact that you had multiple it might be a good idea to avoid contact with any woman other than your wife for a while. 

After that you have to understand that even if she didn't struggle with being bi-polar she's on an emotional roller coaster of epic proportion. You have to do what ever she needs to establish some peace of mind that you're not still cheating on her. Give her transparency into all of your email, phone, social accounts and anything else she wants. Volunteer detail about where you're going, what you'll be doing and who you'll be with. Don't let her wonder and ask you - be proactive. Don't give her imagination a chance to take over and create bad situations inside her mind. Make sure she knows where you are and that she sees your communications. 

Talk to her. Be patient with her. She's going to spend some time swinging from loving you to hating you and back again. Just hang on. Show her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you're sorry and you'll never betray her again. Then say it all again... and again... and again until she starts to take a deep breath and relax a little - she'll get there but it will take a while. 

Do go to marriage counseling but remember - the issues in your marriage and your affairs are two different problems. You can't blame one for the other. Yes your marriage may have made you susceptible but you walked through that door on your own. Don't try to confuse them or link them together, they must both be addressed but individually.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If he hasn't trickle truthed I will be truly stunned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You asked: How does the story end?

How do you both want it to end?

My advice is to both go and get tested for STDs. Stop cheating. Commit to the marrige if you truly want to be married. She ought to get help for her bi-polar disorder. You should both go to marriage counselling. 

You have inflicted one of the worst pains one can inflict on a romantic partner. So you have a lot of heavy lifting to do. Start with empathizing, apologizing, and committing to never ever cheating again, if you want to save your marriage.

It will take a joint effort and it will take BOTH of you wanting it to work for it to work.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Folks - she doesn't sound bipolar - she sounds borderline!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

I love this woman and I have turned to god and therapy and I have released my anger. While I cheated physically I did not emotionally. I only loved her. I believe she does not see her part in this and there can't be a any going forward until she does.

Can someone offer some advice? How does this story end?

she sits around making herself sad listening to songs about cheating and building hate for me. when I am there with her she is in my arms and we are in bed and passionate.

She is trying to understand how you could dump her when she needed you to be there for her, and she needs to know that she is not alone in this experience. You only thought of yourself; you used her illness as an excuse to do what you wanted to do anyway. Now I am afraid you have yourself another crutch; you've turned to God. Now you can tell her how righteous you are, and ask her why she can't " just get over it". My H gave me the same crap about having always loved me when he was actively cheating on me. Well I don't buy it, If he had really loved me, he would have come to me and worked with me to solve what he thought were our problems. In all cases he would have been honest with me. He didn't, like you he opted for the selfish, dishonest, and hurtful course. It's nearly two years down the road, and I still have days when I'd like to push his face in, and yet he got it right from the start. He understood that he was the trespasser, and that he could not try to lay the responsibility for his bad choices on the marriage.You say you would like your marriage to work out, but you don't seem willing to grasp the fact that you are to blame for your actions, she doesn't owe you anything at this point, saving this is up to you and how unselfish you can actually bring yourself to be in the long run.You knew she had emotional issues and instead of helping her with them ( as love would dictate) you made them worse. She does not have to "make herself sad" you have done that for her, man up and take the responsibility for what you have done and stop trying to blame her for your selfishness and disloyalty. This is the worst hurt that I have ever experienced, I know that it is the same for her. You are not a victim of circumstances, you chose your path.she has had no choice in the matter. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but harsh or not, you are getting the benefit of her perspective, and since you don't seem to be able to be her advocate, someone has to be.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

Does your wife know that you think she could be bi-polar? Would she be willing to go see someone to find out if she is or not? That would at least help her to be stable, and for you both to know yes or no about her mental health.

You should go to counseling about cheating. The one thing that can heal cheating - you have to earn your wife's trust again. It takes a long time. You have to always do what you say you are going to be doing. Almost like probation - until you have shown her that you are trustworthy again. 

Otherwise you might consider a divorce. There are a lot of problems here and both of you have "reacted" to them in a way that has made it worse for your marriage.

I wish you the best.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your wife may have contributed to the toxic environment of the marriage but it was YOU who chose the crappy option of betraying her. You had choices, including divorcing her if she refused to get counseling. Nobody forced you to cheat, that was your decision alone. Own up to it FIRST and you may get good advise from other forum members.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

How nice that you got to release your anger.............

She is in mourning. You need to respect that. When she gets through it, there is a lot of work to be done, whether or not she decides to stay with you. 

Reading your story, sounds like a child who threw an adult temper tantrum, and is now shocked at the outcome. 

You crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed. She needs individual counseling. Your marriage cannot be determined solely by you. She has some healing to do, and if she is bi-polar, she needs HELP. 

You may have done more damage than can be repaired, and she should be allowed the help to get her through it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

rebuildingjoe said:


> Oh sorry if I sounded like I was blaming her. I am not. just laying it out. I blame myself. I wish I had the balls to walk out on her but it wasn't an option to lose my family. In retrospect, I should have actually left to let her know how serious things were. But the past doesn't do much about the future.
> 
> really hoping someone has advice. I am doing my best to be humble and I have let my anger go. I am active in counseling and church and doing my best.


I often wonder why folks who cheat and want to reconcile even include the information about the pre-marital problems. Clearly, if they accept that the problems were unrelated to the cheating, they would not bother to include information about the.
To me, it is like saying, " I have a laborador retreiver and wear blue underwear. And, I cheated...

See, the inclusion of the info signifies to me that, on some level, ofetn a very deep level, the cheater, despite saying otherwise, does attribute his cheating to the marital problems.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I often wonder why folks who cheat and want to reconcile even include the information about the pre-marital problems. Clearly, if they accept that the problems were unrelated to the cheating, they would not bother to include information about the.
> To me, it is like saying, " I have a laborador retreiver and wear blue underwear. And, I cheated...
> 
> See, the inclusion of the info signifies to me that, on some level, ofetn a very deep level, the cheater, despite saying otherwise, does attribute his cheating to the marital problems.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Winner, winner, chicken dinner...


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## rebuildingjoe (Nov 14, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your insight. It's been very helpful.And I think I understand her perspective a little better. I agree with you all. I made the choices i made and that's that. Why doesn't really matter. 
I am doing my best and that's all I can do. Thing that surprises me the most is that divorce seems to be such an easy choice for so many. I think I stopped being honest with myself most of all. Tomorrow is tomorrow and I'll do my best to make it better than today. I think I am on the right track.

Doing my best to get my wife help. And I don't care what the outcome is. She has rejected it over and over and I might add that I have two children and if I am not around they will get the brunt of it if her issues are not addressed.

I understand the losing trust part. I lost trust in my wife emotionally years ago. Its a hard thing to recover from. 

I am sure faith needs to be a bigger part of our lives and maybe we can build from there. 

Thanks again


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

rebuildingjoe said:


> Thanks everyone for your insight. It's been very helpful.And I think I understand her perspective a little better. I agree with you all. I made the choices i made and that's that. Why doesn't really matter.
> I am doing my best and that's all I can do. *Thing that surprises me the most is that divorce seems to be such an easy choice for so many. *I think I stopped being honest with myself most of all. Tomorrow is tomorrow and I'll do my best to make it better than today. I think I am on the right track.
> 
> Doing my best to get my wife help. And I don't care what the outcome is. She has rejected it over and over and I might add that I have two children and if I am not around they will get the brunt of it if her issues are not addressed.
> ...


Divorce is never an easy decision for anybody....it's just a better alternative to cheating on your spouse.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

rebuildingjoe said:


> Thanks everyone for your insight. It's been very helpful.And I think I understand her perspective a little better. I agree with you all. I made the choices i made and that's that. Why doesn't really matter.
> I am doing my best and that's all I can do. Thing that surprises me the most is that divorce seems to be such an easy choice for so many. I think I stopped being honest with myself most of all. Tomorrow is tomorrow and I'll do my best to make it better than today. I think I am on the right track.
> 
> Doing my best to get my wife help. And I don't care what the outcome is. She has rejected it over and over and I might add that I have two children and if I am not around they will get the brunt of it if her issues are not addressed.
> ...


You have no F'ing idea how hard divorce was for many of us.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Folks - she doesn't sound bipolar - she sounds borderline!


Consider the source of the description of her. Consider his character and his motivation.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Consider the source of the description of her. Consider his character and his motivation.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Winner, winner, chicken dinner...


I am a vegetable,,,eh,I mean vegetarian.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


I am shocked. But, thanks. I am off to my Women's Studies class, now


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