# Disillusionment in Marriage



## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

I don't know how and where to begin. The load is just too much that everything wants to be unleashed.

To those who may read this & is married, i want to ask, you think that it is enough to tell your wife or husband that you love him/her just because you are trying to provide a food for their stomach or a roof on their head?

I am right now a stay at home mom. And I should say, life seemed to be boring. Don't get me wrong, i love my little one & spending time with her is great. But in marriage, just being a good mom for me doesn't complete me as a person. Of course, I hope someday to be able to lend into a career. Right now, I feel alone. I do not really have friends, my family is not close to where we live ( we can just communicate through technology and right now here problem with the connection, hence I can not talk to them even if I want to - I have to wait for the problems to be fixed - technical )

That saying, I am basically a stranger to this place. Stocked in the 4 corner of our house. Other than my regular chore & taking care of my baby, there's nothing more to do. I don't drive - and hardly do I go out of his house. I do not complain tho since eversince before I am a home buddy during those times, I was surrounded by my family whom I can make a meaningful or sometimes crazy conversation when life is a blahhh.

While we were not married, he manage to send email liek everyday, even at work. text or call me ( but he complains doing it was somewhat expensive, so we were stocked with email which I enjoyed..there's just a different feeling when you feel like there's somebody out there that cares.) So now, we were married, & I left my hometown just to be with him. I am not sure how sensitve he is to know that being a stranger here, I am leaning towards his friendship, love & care. But now that I am here, he hardly check how I am doing. his reason is, he is busting his ass just to provide me & the family our needs. 

I am so lonely that it is tempting to really just simply look for friends I can talk to. But thinking how it may go, I am afraid that it may go thee wrong way which I want to avoid and I think is not quite right.

So here I am, I do not know how to make a day end a true sense of happiness in me. I tried communicating this with my husband, but he always revert to how he is. The bad thing is, he complains that he is already stretched at work, but when he is home, he is always on the phone & computer..keeping in touch which who knows who, and yet, when it comes to me, he will just tell me h has no time for that.

I had been patient enough & hope that things change..but not unless I really end up being irate about the situation ( I do tend to just be silent when I feel bad ). Then he will do something...but the thing is, it is like the band aid system. And he may tell me he love me, but I honestly do not see it on his action.

Mind you, I am not really materialistic, but it would feel nice to be appreciated. I remember getting him something on especial occasion and if I can;t I try to find way to atleast give him something. The least I did was make him a personalized card. But when it came to me, I remember my birthday came, Christmas..and etc...he didn't find any effort to give me atleast an ant to surprise me & let me feel I am love & wanted. 

Am just just being oversensitive or just having this crazy illusion about marriage?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You provide a long list of reasons why you're stuck at home, so why not start removing some of them? Start driving, if you have to. Find local "mom's" groups to get out with. Your happiness has to come for you, nobody else. 

How old is your child?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Can you try to get out and make some friends? It is really normal to feel bored and lonely as a SAHM. You feel like your whole life is being sucked out by your kids. And yet you know it is really an investment in them.

Also, you need to keep telling your dh how you feel. Just keep expressing yourself.

I think you are at a difficult point in life. It is kind of natural to expect more from your dh, and it is reasonable. But if you had a wider support system, the pressure on him to meet your companionship needs would be lessened.

It gets better, OP. Kids get older and you have a lot more freedom. Good luck.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Seems to me you have fallen into a rut.

I am a SAHM my husband works full time, hes out the of house many hours through the day, and i am here with my son whose nearly 3 years old.

My days are pretty much the same, I get up get the kids off to school, then do all my chores in the morning so i am done by afternoon, and have the rest of the days free.

I then spend the afternoon out of the house doing things with my LO.

I would go stir crazy if i spent day in and day out here, so i like to get out somewhere even if its just to the park everyday.

Do you get out anywhere??.

I know it can get a little bit much with the same mundane routine, so i like to make my days as different as possible, going out, and doing different things.

The part about your husband is a little sad, maybe your feeling a little bit neglected, this is the bit i cant understand, I feel he maybe taking you for granted a little. Does he know how your feeling, and down you are.?

I think you need to talk to your husband, sit him down, tell him how your feeling. My husband does not take me for granted, he tells me he loves me, brings me in gifts, so i still feel like i am appreciated, and thanked for the things i do......

Not giving you anything for christmas, birthdays. I find that really sad..... I think your feeling a bit unloved, your putting in the effort, when your husband is giving nothing back, yes hes working, providing, but we do need more, we need to feel wanted, loved, and like i say appreciated.


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

PBear said:


> You provide a long list of reasons why you're stuck at home, so why not start removing some of them? Start driving, if you have to. Find local "mom's" groups to get out with. Your happiness has to come for you, nobody else.
> 
> How old is your child?
> 
> ...


 First, we do not have a car, hence even if I like to drive I can't. Second, budget and having a baby this time is almost close to impossible for me to do driving lesson. And as far as what the surrounding here , there's really nothing else where to go. My baby is just 5 months old.


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

melw74 said:


> Seems to me you have fallen into a rut.
> 
> I am a SAHM my husband works full time, hes out the of house many hours through the day, and i am here with my son whose nearly 3 years old.
> 
> ...


>>>>>>>>>> you bet it is sad. I do not like to really be this needy. But I can;t help it sometimes. During special occasion he would think of the rest of the family & friends & what to send or give. But its not same with me. He will only notice when I would be at the point I am hurting & at that point he will ask me what I want which makes me kindda feel like it doesn't really come from the heart. It makes me feel like he feels he is oblige to do it rather than love to do it.


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## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

petite43110 said:


> I don't know how and where to begin. The load is just too much that everything wants to be unleashed.
> 
> To those who may read this & is married, i want to ask, you think that it is enough to tell your wife or husband that you love him/her just because you are trying to provide a food for their stomach or a roof on their head?
> 
> ...


that's tough, having moved for him and now being left alone for so much of the time. i'm sorry for that.

that being said, i'll offer this. i travel for work sometimes and i get bored and lonely stuck in a hotel for days at a time. i run out of work to do and know no one (a lot like you). so i started going out - for me running, maybe walking for you. it got me outside, i learned a little about the area i was in and it kept my mind a little more active than just staring at the hotel walls. in your case, hopefully you might meet others, perhaps in similar circumstances.

finally, i'd say communicate with him. give him the chance to fix it. see what his thoughts for solutions are - maybe he can be part of the solution which could make your relationship that much stronger.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

petite43110 said:


> First, we do not have a car, hence even if I like to drive I can't. Second, budget and having a baby this time is almost close to impossible for me to do driving lesson. And as far as what the surrounding here , there's really nothing else where to go. My baby is just 5 months old.


So how important is it for you to get out of the house? Those are all obstacles, but what is the alternative?

Get a stroller and take a walk. Any SAHM neighbors? What about heading to the park?. Many mom's groups meet at parks. A church group often will come pick you up to bring you to a meeting? What about the bus?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How was your life before the baby? Did you work, stay home, school? Are you in a new area with no friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is there an option to move to a more "family friendly" location?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So how important is it for you to get out of the house? Those are all obstacles, but what is the alternative?
> 
> Get a stroller and take a walk. Any SAHM neighbors? What about heading to the park?. Many mom's groups meet at parks. A church group often will come pick you up to bring you to a meeting? What about the bus?


Getting out of the house or not is not really so important for me but would help somehow. It's the way I feel being ignored & unappreciated that is the problem. Accept it or not, all of us love the feeling of being loved & appreciated. Especially after all the hard work, I think its just fair to be treated if not close but as to what we deserve.

About a church group, I really am not super active now since having a baby is tough to be away, & not to mention the latest bad experience I ave had with the church here..I do not want to go with the details but it really made me see this church as nothing else but $$$$ inclined. I am now just trying to divert my mind into something I can do while my baby is asleep & got nothing else to do...look for job, edit my resume, make blogs, & find more activity that I can do with my baby. 

I am constantly tellling myself, I can not change anyone...if he is that way..then he is that way. I will just have to weight in what I can probably tolerate in time & hopefully my rope will stretch more & more & love him way past his imperfection ( but its very very tough and tiring to keep on loving this way but I am trying ). I will find my inner happiness & peace one way or another in ways that will help me as a person by focusing on what I really have around me that I can utilize to make me better. I do not love being sad, I am born a happy person & love to smile rather than sigh.


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

mablenc said:


> How was your life before the baby? Did you work, stay home, school? Are you in a new area with no friends?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How was life before the baby...well, we were able to just drive around even without plan. When I came here, I wasn't allowed to work ( government requirement ) so, to make me be occupied, I did volunteer ( full time ) & worked my way up to a higher position as a volunteer. Dsigning a Program for an organization was a challenge, but I liked taking the challenge & see how much my effort paid off. Atleast during the volunteer work, I hear people appreciating what I did, it feels really good even when I work 8 hours a day without pay.

We've been here for a year, but my neighbors are oldies. No that i am complaining. Thy are nice, but I do not want to make it a habit of knocking at anothers door just because I have nothing else to do.


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

PBear said:


> Is there an option to move to a more "family friendly" location?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope we can...its a matter of where to go which is according to our budget. This place is expensive.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

It sounds like there has been a lot of transition in your life lately (moving, new baby, marriage), and you're feeling a lack of support. I do think that it would be very beneficial for you to connect with other moms in your area. Are you located in the U.S.?

Also, have you heard of the Love and Respect Principle? I would encourage you to look into this as it is very helpful in understanding how men and women communicate love to one another.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

petite43110 said:


> First, we do not have a car, hence even if I like to drive I can't. Second, budget and having a baby this time is almost close to impossible for me to do driving lesson. And as far as what the surrounding here , there's really nothing else where to go. My baby is just 5 months old.


You *can* make friends, even if you have a baby and don't drive. Start taking walks with your baby and make it a point to say hello to the people you see. When you can, have a short conversation with them. 

Take your child to a sitter once or twice a week while you attend an exercise class or other event at your local library. You'll meet people AND have something to talk to your husband about that's not the same old, "The baby cried a lot today" or "The baby was happy today." 

Make sure to keep informed about topics to talk to your husband. He may be getting bored, too. In fact, it sounds like he is! Keep an eye out on who he's talking to also, because it seems like there's fertile ground for cheating.


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## petite43110 (Sep 6, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You *can* make friends, even if you have a baby and don't drive. Start taking walks with your baby and make it a point to say hello to the people you see. When you can, have a short conversation with them.
> 
> Take your child to a sitter once or twice a week while you attend an exercise class or other event at your local library. You'll meet people AND have something to talk to your husband about that's not the same old, "The baby cried a lot today" or "The baby was happy today."
> 
> Make sure to keep informed about topics to talk to your husband. He may be getting bored, too. In fact, it sounds like he is! Keep an eye out on who he's talking to also, because it seems like there's fertile ground for cheating.



Hi KathyBatesel,

Thank you for the advice..this goes same way as to everyone. it's been days now & there's been no meaningful interaction between me & my husband. I am normally the ones who try to stop this when we are in this situation. But right now, I felt like do I have to really just be the ones giving in after the fact that in so many times, I tried so hard to be there for him...reac out & talk when we have misunderstanding...been yelled at in so many times even in pubic, yet I forgive, haven't called him names or say something that will embarrass him. Its because I do not like doing anything to him or anyone the things I know would hurt me too. Every time he does that, none of which I heard him apologize. I let go, I try to understand him more. But me being human just can't help being hurt. I tend more to be silent when hurt, that is because I know if I do, I have to be prepared to be snapped at. To understand that whatever I may say, he will mean it the other way...I am jut rally tired. I do love him and just to be clear, I am not thinking of ending what we have. I just need to redesign my life to bring back my worth. I crave for companionship, but y'all are right, I have to expand my circle of friends I rally have o just find a way to do it. 


And about him cheating, I honestly have a lot on my plate that I do not want to worry about that. If time come he does, then I would respect that. It may hurt but I can not spend my whole life living with a microscope with me. When I trust, he knows I give my all, but when its broken, he knows its hard to mend it. He knows my limit , what I can tolerate & forgive. I can not babysit him in everything...he has freedom , choice, & and needs to be responsible of all his action. If he does that to me, then I must accept it & know that there's more important thing in his life than me. I can not make somebody love me even if I want to...if its time to let go, then there is no sense of keeping what's not for me.


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