# I need advice ASAP...



## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

I have posted before about my marriage. Ten years of marriage and two children (ages 8 and 2). There is no communication. I have just been very unhappy. Too many things to list in this post.

I finally had the courage to ask for a divorce a few months ago. I finally came to a point where I felt that I was ready to move on. All of a sudden, after 4 years of dating and almost 10 years of marriage, he is being nice to me and wanting this to work. 

I didn't expect him to want this to work. He has ignored me for so long that I honestly thought he was just going to let me walk away. All attempts to get him to pay attention to me in the past never worked. I finally got myself to get over him, and now, out of nowhere, he is being nice to me. 

I don't get it. Today is July 31st. I have to give our landlord notice by the end of the day as to whether we wish to stay past September. 

We are even doing marriage counseling right now. He doesn't seem to remember all the times he broke my heart in the past. He keeps telling the counselor that he doesn't remember anything, and the few times that he does, he has an excuse for his behavior. He insists he wants to change. 

I should be happy with his sudden change in behavior, but for some reason, I'm not. In fact, I was hoping he would just let me walk away. I was ready to walk away.

Is it wrong of me to leave now that he is suddenly a changed husband and father? 

I always told myself that when I was ready to leave, I would leave and not look back. I didn't want to leave just to scare him into changing. I don't want him to change anymore. I feel like it's too late.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give some examples of the things that he did in the past that hurt you so badly?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

madteach said:


> I have posted before about my marriage. Ten years of marriage and two children (ages 8 and 2). There is no communication. I have just been very unhappy. Too many things to list in this post.
> 
> I finally had the courage to ask for a divorce a few months ago. I finally came to a point where I felt that I was ready to move on. All of a sudden, after 4 years of dating and almost 10 years of marriage, he is being nice to me and wanting this to work.
> 
> ...


He doesn't remember I'm guessing because you never made it clear enough to him the seriousness at the time, the depth of the crisis/loss of love/probable consequences. You never threatened to walk when it would have made a difference. Now you've finally found the courage it's too late. Many things may be his fault, but THAT part isn't. You have a duty to assert your needs in a marriage - strongly. Unless he's beating you, give him a REAL, MEANINGFUL chance, with AMPLE TIME. Put your heart into seeing the good in him again.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I believe in making marriages work. But it takes commitment.

My advice to you would be to make a decision either to really try again, or walk. Don't stay in no mans land.


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Mad - I'd like to suggest that you will need to give him and yourself time to work on a relationship. If you were not assertive before in your marriage of what you want, it is unfair to him that he will just be aware of how you were feeling. Marriage needs multiple chances, even if they are ultimatums. It seems that there is nothing particulary wrong with your marriage except the lack of communication. Your husband would love to try, that has to mean something to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mad,

Marriage is a journey. 

Your husband has most likely woken up because he notices a big change in you. I'm sure he is scared that he will lose you. Sometimes people just coast, thinking that their spouse knows that they love them so they don't need to do anything much. And this is how you both probably got to the point you are at.

You can get the love back for each other, even the passion. From what you have said I think it's worth a try... sort of a major marriage over haul.

The best advice I can give on this is to look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them together and work on the things they instruct you to do.

Often people think that divorce is a great fixer. The fact is that while divorce might help some probelms go away, it usually creates much bigger ones. It hurts children. It distroys people financially.

If you leave your husband without working these things out, your next bf/husband will most likely have similar traits. So you will end up just repeating the same few years of marriage all over. Why? Because you will not have learned how to build and maintain a good marriage.

This is your chance to influence your husband and relationship to create the marriage that you want.


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

No, he's not beating me. 

It's just that for so long, I felt basically invisible to him. I am not perfect, and I know that I contributed to many of our problems by being complacent.

I will just describe this past Christmas, just one scenario to illustrate how much of our life together has been. 

Christmas morning and my two kids open all their presents (that I brought and wrapped). Then H opens his presents that my kids and I bought for him. (We made him a calendar with family photos. He tossed it aside and never asked about it again. The robe I bought him... he said he didn't like it and asked me to return it.) My daughter then asked, "What about you, Mom? Where are your presents?" He ignores the statement and goes on with his morning. I just tell her, "Mommy's a teacher. I got so many presents from my students already."

I know. Sometimes I feel so silly for pointing out such small things. I feel so petty.

So what that he refused to come get me after a terrible car accident on the freeway in the pouring rain. My brother-in-law came to get me, and I was fine at the end of the day.

So what that he spent half of our marriage playing video games until 5 in the morning, ignoring the kids and me.

Suddenly, he is trying after 10 years of marriage. Our counselor asked him to tell her about the last time he did something nice for me, and he couldn't think of anything. But he promises to start. He's going to try. 

Maybe this September, my 36th birthday, he won't wait a week to tell me happy birthday. Maybe this December, for our 10th anniversary, he'll do something for me for the first time since we've been married.

I've done this for 10 years, and I could see myself doing this for another 50. My mother did.

My mother told me last year that in all her life, my father has NEVER given her one gift, ever. It broke my heart. But she did it, and so can I.

My counselor told me that if I walk away, I have to carry the burden of doing this to my children. After all, H is not beating me. He has not cheated on me. 

Some days, I have so much clarity. And then on days like this, I just don't know what to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

folks want what they can't have, so once you show them they can't have you any more, then they want some.

It gives them a sence of what they are about to lose. Makes them think twice.

I know I was just like your old man

Good job BTW!


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

And your kids will see that THIS is what marriage is. What a great role model your husband will be for your son and your daughter will accept being treated like this by her husband.

Set a date and set your expectations, if he doesn't meet them, move forward with D.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I get your resentment for all of this. Been there. I would set a time limit.. say 3-4 months. At that point evaluate and decide stay/go. Do this every 3-4 months for a year. If you two make it for a year you will only be there if things have improved. From there on out the two of you can do a 6 months evaluation of where your are at.. it's not a bad idea to make a date of it.

Look at the books I suggested. They will give you a way to speak to each other about these things. And they explain very clearly why a spouse must find out and meet the other spouses needs.

Does he work full time? Do you work outside the home?

My exhusband started out our marriage by not giving me any presents for anything.. never. 

But for his birthday, xmas, etc every year he stars talking about what he wants for a present and makes sure I know. After about 2 years of this I stopped giving him presents. Well he did not like that. He asked me if I forgot his birthday. My response was no, I justed assumed that since my birthday means nothing to him... that his birthday must have no meaning either... and the same for xmas, father's day etc.

I also told him that it was his responsibility to teach the children that they had to think of me on my special days. I did that for him and he had better start doing it for me.

He got the point.

What have you done besides 'nag' when he's been this inconsiderate?

What are the things that you do for him? Can you list those?


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

If he is trying, then let the past go. You have to learn to forgive. 

Communication, we always hear it, but are afraid of it.

If you have to, write a letter to him & spell out your feelings, & how he can be a better husband. End it with, I will be happy in a year, with or without you.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I have been been in such a similar situation  My H wouldn't do anything for birthday, mother's day, etc... He was doing the "coasting" through thinking all was fine... I was the same as you, I just didn't want to do it anymore after all this time... what was the point?? We're working through things still, he works out of town for 2 weeks at a time so it's been a long road but once he saw that I wanted out (even after telling him for years that I needed certain things from him) he has really tried to make things better... as a matter of fact just tonight he sent me a picture of himself with a "kissy" face to kiss me good night... he said he felt like an idiot but did it anyway... I smiled with tears in my eyes because he hasn't done anything like that in 20 years... but he's trying... Little things like that make me happy that I made the decision to tell him... we're either in or out but I'm not accepting any less than that because our marriage is worth that effort... I would give it some time though, it's not going to be 100% all the time I know... but if the "trying" and effort are there it will get better and better... if it's not... then you'll know you did everything you could to make it work and walk away without feeling so badly...


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate the honest responses. It has given me a lot to think about. 

I need to stop pitying myself and just get my life together. I am so much stronger than I was 10 years ago. I just know that today, I cannot tolerate what I did for so many years.

My husband works tonight, but I asked him to set aside time tomorrow to talk to me. 

Good luck to everyone else who is on here looking for answers.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

madteach said:


> Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate the honest responses. It has given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I need to stop pitying myself and just get my life together. I am so much stronger than I was 10 years ago. I just know that today, I cannot tolerate what I did for so many years.
> 
> ...


Don't water it down. Tell him there have to be Meaningful, Lasting changes for your marriage to survive. Give him your Fundamental Needs from the relationship. Give him lots of specific ways he can meet those needs and give him a clear idea of the frequency you expect. Try to make it about things you'd like him to do, not things you'd prefer he didn't do. Of course this means that you need to make sure you know what your needs are and can communicate them to him in non-critical ways. Don't make it about him, or his failings. He will feel defensive but you should explain that you are finding the courage to tell him because you love him, you want this to work, it's not that there's anything "wrong" with him, just that these are things you have to have for your marriage to survive. Understand that he's going to have to change who he is to some extent, this will take quite some time, and he will likely make a real attempt and quite possibly succeed for you, if you let him know exactly what your needs are. He may even surprise you and think of ways to meet those needs that you hadn't thought of, especially if you suggest you'd like that  Try to do the same for him as much as you can, at the same time, this will really make it easier for him. It will feel like a partnership, that you're working on repairing your marriage *together*. Ask him what his needs are and think of new ways to show your love regularly.


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