# Not sure how to proceed...



## rgol

*Background*

My wife’s detachment started slowly five years ago and accelerated in the Summer 2013 to only peak in April 2014 when I found out about an EA. At that time, she told me that she was 90% sure she wanted a divorce.

In May 2014, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She did a 180 and could not need me enough. We have been married 20 years and I loved her (still do). So, I took care of her - and everything else including our teenager - through April this year when she finally healed and was declared cancer-free. I could have bailed given her selfishness and EA, but I am not wired that way and what kind of message would that have sent to my daughter? I did not think it would save my marriage, but I hoped she would figure out what was truly important.

Well, she went right back into MLC after she healed. The cancer was only a sidebar and it has fueled her self-absorption. So, we agreed to a trial separation (not legal) in May and she moved out the first day in June. She had never lived on her own and felt that her growth as an adult was stunted; she was too dependent on me and was resentful. She also rewrote history in her mind and blamed me for a business venture gone bad that impacted our financial future, but did not come close to destroying it. Unfortunately, the goodwill about 'standing on her own', getting space and figuring out things was killed in week 2 when she went to see her EA.

While separated, she has spent a lot of time going out with her girlfriends, having fun and hanging with EA and a few other guys. She desperately needs affirmation and validation from others and I think she just wants a ‘reboot’, start over with another guy, life etc. She claims to have been journaling and ‘thinking’ a lot, but most of her GFs believe something else has been at bay as time has gone on and she has not been meeting them out as much. I know because I had access to her emails and phone records for a while before she changed the passwords.

_Me _- I did a 180 and started focusing on myself while she has been stuck in an 'I do not know what I want' kind of state. I stopped worrying about what she was / was not doing and I began building my own social life, hanging out with a few different women along with other guys etc. One of the women and I have been chatting on the phone a lot. Nothing physical has happened, just friends. However, it could easily escalate.

_*Side Note*_: My wife’s cancer has left her with trailing physical issues that prohibit her from having intercourse right now. She is working with a physician and is making progress, but I know for a fact that she is not sleeping with other men. She may be seeking their attention, but I do not believe she is getting very physical. We have been intimate a few times during our separation and she is very scared and vulnerable regarding sex. However, I am not blind to the fact that perhaps other things have happened.

*Breakthrough…I Think*

This week, I reached the decision to ask for a divorce. I was done; I was exhausted from the 2+ years of being in ‘limbo’ waiting for her to figure things out. She had held me hostage long enough and I was making decisions to move on. I told her we are selling the house, paying off debt and downsizing.

Unbeknownst to me, she found out about the women, especially the one I had chatting with on the phone. She had an emotional breakdown. She has now done a 180 on me has come back hard. She says she hit rock bottom last week and that misses me; she has been taking me for granted and feels awful about her behavior over the past few years. She says she wants me, not needs me and our time apart has made her realize her mistakes and what is truly important. She claims she has told her friends and therapist these points and does not want to lose me.

I told her she needs to figure out where I fit in her priorities in life and what she is willing to do in order to win me back. I am not her backup plan and am doing just fine without her. She has not been emotionally available to me, has not opened up and talked with me and it was about time that I started focusing on what I want in a partner. I am okay with pursuing what will make me happy even if that does not include her. So, we have agreed to talk more and spend some time together.

*Proceeding with Caution*

I am very cautious right now. I do not trust anything she says and quite honestly, was planning divorce. It took me a long time to get to that point and felt good about my decision. I was prepared for the ‘missing me’ conversation but not for the confessions and apparent clarity. I realize her ‘fear of loss’ is tremendous and she is scared to lose everything she has with me.

Funny thing...I have always thought that I would be the one to ask for a divorce as she has wanted it all along (sending me signals here and there) and didn’t have the guts to ask for it. I would have to be the adult and move us forward. What I was NOT ready for was her wanting to come back and expressing such strong feelings about it. I have been sideswiped. I still have to be the one to decide, but in a different way now.

I am truly torn and trying to process things.


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## Pablodiablo

Get ready for the onslaught of "she only wants you back because she's jealous" type replies and any variations of such. All you can really do is take her words and actions at face value. You will drive yourself nuts trying to get in her head. Don't do do it. Clarity will only come from staying in yours. Let her know how you feel. Continue making yourself your own priority. She needs to feel the ramifications of her actions. FWIW I feel the whole "win me back" mentality is a huge mistake. This lends itself to holding things over her head. It opens the door for punishment because of resentment. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to resent her. What needs to happen is the two of you need to figure out who you have become after all of this. How well do you fit together now. Love does not conquer all. You already know this. You both have to be committed to the salvage and resurrection/restoration of the relationship. I hope in the end you two are able to find true happiness in whatever form it appears.


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## EVG39

What she needs to do for her MLC strategy to work is keep you on the back burner while she goes through her "discovery" process including dating other men. If you divorce her, she has lost plan B. That's why she is reacting the way she has, to get you back to where you were as plan B. Its not her intent to make you a priority its to keep you as a back up and a safe harbor.
I would never be anyone's Plan B. You have to decide though for yourself if you will let yourself be that.


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## Maricha75

Well, as Pablodiablo suggested others may say, it MAY be that she is jealous and wants you back because of that. Maybe she is... maybe not. She knows of the other ladies you chat with, so it may be she does realize what her choices could cost her. It may be that she is waking up. Yes, you have to take her words at face value, but to a point. I mean, what is she willing to do to show that she is wanting to remain in the marriage? I don't mean that you should hold her to outrageous requests. Rather, I would say, first, she needs to give up men like the EA guy. Anyone with whom she has had any romantic involvement, as well. You can choose to reconcile, if that is what you want. But I would be cautious about it. Good luck.


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## Jenipher

You have been on a roller coaster! I believe she saw the change in you and is in a panic. Use caution moving forward with this. You have had a long journey of rejection and hurt and overcame many obstacles. I'm sure she sees you as a different person now....it doesn't mean she will change.


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## Lostinthought61

In agreement with the others here, you have to ask yourself, are you potentially ready to be a yo-yo, first she doesn't want you then when she gets sick and she is not strong enough to be on her own she looks to you to support, you carry her through her illness, (also ask yourself would the EA OM want her like that) so she needs you, then she gets better and moves away from you both physically and emotionally and now that your happy with a potential new woman she wants you again...i see a repeatable pattern, sure you have her doing the heavy lifting but really you have to ask yourself and by the why her what is she willing to do? if i were you, i think you owe this relationship with this new girl a chance....she came in your life for a reason...see it through....after all your wife did the same...while it may not have worked out for her it doesn't mean it might not work out for you. Your wife had her chance several times and she chose poorly.


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## rgol

To Pablodiablo's point, asking her to 'win' me back was a poor choice of words. I did not say that to her exactly...I did ask what is she willing to do to have me back in her life. For years, I have said that I was not a priority in her life; she chooses her GFs and social over me. Where does she want to put her energy and where do I fit into her life? That is the question.

I am proceeding with caution and I have made it clear that my wants and desires are valid. I am nobody's backup plan. To Jenipher's point, I know she sees me as a different person. I guess the old saying of 'you do not know what you have until it is gone' is hitting her. So, I am backing away from divorce, but not too much. There is a long road ahead.


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## Absurdist

Does your wife work? Who is financing her lifestyle? How old is your teenager? Who has custody?

rgol my policy in life is that everyone gets a chance to make a mistake. You don't get two.

I would have a very difficult time nursing someone back to health only to see them return to their old self-absorbed lifestyle.

So, what do you want? It's the only question that's relevant. She has no say in your decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

Tread cautiously as your wife's indecision has continued over a long time. You must focus on you now, fill your life with things you enjoy, activities you enjoy so that life without her would not be empty. Tell her you guys can date but must be exclusive and you are making no promises and will see where it goes. Be the best you can be in this process and it will give your wife an opportunity to show you she means what she says. Remember do not listen to words, look at her actions only.

you may actually discover you have already reached the end and no longer want her.

You have become more attractive to her as you are willing to lose her, so be careful.


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## rgol

A lot has taken place over the past 10 days…

My wife and I have spoken numerous times and have spent a lot of time together. We have made progress, but have also had setbacks. She does have a huge ‘fear of loss’ and is scared that she will lose everything she has with me. She had some real emotional lows last week and the week before and what was driving them was her detailed knowledge of the OW; she accused me of having a full-blown affair. While I did not cross any boundaries with the OW, I will admit that we spent time together hanging out and speaking a lot over the phone.

Now, I know that I do love my wife – always have – and want things to work out. So, I agreed to attend a couples workshop retreat this past weekend and it was very good. I am optimistic that we can come back together and be stronger than before. However, we both are cautious. My wife is nervous about me keeping the relationship or other ones going while we work on finding our way back. She is worried that I am not 100% ‘in’ with her coming back. Me…I am concerned about her old habits and reverting back to previous ways. So, she is moving back in and we are continuing to work on ourselves and ‘us’ as a couple.

We will see.


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## JohnA

rgol, read a brief on a women's emotional life that seems to fit your wife. It listed 8 or 9 events they cycle though. It was a Phd looking to build her business but I was amazed how spot on it was about my ex (but not my SILs,)

Her sudden rei-interest in you is due only to the OW. When that threat is gone, she will
resume her past behavior.

If you want the link let me know and I will find it for you.


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## lifeistooshort

I agree with JohnA. She only decided she wanted you when she realized she might be replaced, if you were really plan A it wouldn't have taken that. If getting back together is what you want by all means give it a shot, just know what you're dealing with. If she flakes out again will you regret trying? 

It's not fair to other women anyway to string them along while you're hung up on your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

lifeistooshort said:


> Like agree with JohnA. She only decided she wanted you when she realized she might be replaced, if you were really plan A it wouldn't have taken that. If getting back together is what you want by all means give it a shot, just know what you're dealing with. If she flakes out again will you regret trying?
> 
> It's not fair to other women anyway to string them along while you're hung up on your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. I think, in addition, she may have also been feeling her EA pull back a little. Perhaps he found out that she couldn't have sex. Perhaps she wasn't as fun once they didn't have to be covert. In any case the EA slowing down while you're apparently moving on is leaving her in a precarious position and she could feel her plan B quickly running through her fingers. Had she not found out about the OW, or had her OM been more willing to take things up a notch, she would be acting completely differently.


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## rgol

JohnA...Yes. Please send me the link.

lifeistooshort and WorkingOnMe...I fully understand what is driving her behavior. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am okay with giving 'us' another shot. She knows how I feel about her actions vs. words. The OW and I have parted. if things go South with me and my wife, I will seek her out and if she is available, then we will date. Right now, she wants me to be happy and not be a distraction. I am not she about her EA and what is going on there. Who knows. I made it clear to my wife that my patience is thin. I have no desire to live in limbo again and there will not be therapy or waiting around fro anything if she reverts back to her old ways. She will just be served papers.


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## Orange_Pekoe

This is the first step in a very hard road of reconciliation.

Divorce is the easy way out. Reconciliation takes true hard work, non-stop. I say this because I've been reconciled 2 months after an 11-month separation. Getting back together is the tip of the iceberg...what do you do with all the resentment? Pain? Trust issues?

I strongly recommend marriage counselling if you do get back together. As another poster once wrote (can't remember who...): just having your partner there to show love to, and feel love from, is enough to fill the bucket for a while. But only a while. Eventually you have to deal with the problems. Else you'll wish you had moved on and not looked back.

It comes down to whether or not you feel she's worth it.


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## Absurdist

rgol said:


> A lot has taken place over the past 10 days…
> 
> My wife and I have spoken numerous times and have spent a lot of time together. We have made progress, but have also had setbacks. She does have a huge ‘fear of loss’ and is scared that she will lose everything she has with me. [Where was her fear of loss when she began detaching from you years ago? Where was her fear of loss when she was 90% sure she wanted a divorce? Where was her fear of loss when she had an EA? Where was her fear of loss when she separated again after you took care of her during her cancer treatments? Where was her fear of loss when she returned to the same EA partner?] She had some real emotional lows last week and the week before and what was driving them was her detailed knowledge of the OW [Heaven forbid that another woman could find rgol attractive]; she accused me of having a full-blown affair. [The mind numbing hypocrisy of this is unbelievable] While I did not cross any boundaries with the OW, I will admit that we spent time together hanging out and speaking a lot over the phone. [But your wife has crossed thousands of boundaries].
> 
> Now, I know that I do love my wife [Why?] – always have [Why?] – and want things to work out. So, I agreed to attend a couples workshop retreat this past weekend and it was very good. I am optimistic that we can come back together and be stronger than before. However, we both are cautious. My wife is nervous about me keeping the relationship or other ones going while we work on finding our way back. She is worried that I am not 100% ‘in’ with her coming back [Well, are you? Shouldn't that be your concern?]. Me…I am concerned about her old habits and reverting back to previous ways. [As well you should be. She has a three year track record of just that] So, she is moving back in and we are continuing to work on ourselves and ‘us’ as a couple.
> 
> We will see.


rgol - I hope you know what you are doing. I have a real bad feel about all of this.


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