# Is my wife's contact with a single male classmate a friendship or EA



## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

I'm afraid of my wife's "friendship" with a single male classmate. (Nursing school) 

I love my wife. We have two children, one is from her previous marriage and one from us. I'm 33 and she is 27. We have been together for 6 years, married for 3.5 yrs. My wife is a strong women, I am a "softer" man. (my wife doesn't cry at the end of a sad movie, I'm usually hiding tears) It's not to say I'm a weak man, but I think I "feel" more than most men, or at least more than most let on. My wife has some emotional scars, I think this is the reason for some of her "hardness" (her father died of cancer at 13) The reason I point these attributes out is because I may be overly sensitive. 

The Friend....

My wife is in Nursing school, Semester 2. Her school is 1.25 hours away from our home, she commutes 4-5 days a week for 2-3 hours. She had a group of friends from the first semester, two friends were close, one female and one male. In the second semester they were split up in separate portions of the program, the girlfriend is in a totally different time schedule and the male is in 1/2 of my wife's classes (all her classroom time, not in her "onsite" time) My wife has completely stopped talking to the girlfriend, i guess it wasn't a serious friendship. Lately my wife had mentioned her male friend what seemed to me as much more often than usual. I noticed he and she were texting each other on the weekends, and occasionally at night, even after 10pm a couple times. My wife is an avid runner, and one day she told me she convinced her male friend to bring some running clothes to school and do a run with her during a 4 hour break between classes (again, she's far from home so coming home even during a 4 hour break would be a waste of time, etc. At dinner that night she told the story of how he was winded quickly, impressed at her stamina etc. I thought it was a little weird because he is not big into running but choose to do this with my wife anyways. The following few days there were several texts between them. I'll admit it, I read through her texts, I've never done that in 6+ years, I felt guilty, and realize now I should have asked to do it. There were over 200 texts between them, all of them were innocent. They were about very technical school terms, and about onsite training experiences (about the newest thing they were allowed to do, IE injections, med delivery, etc. ) Nothing unusual, no innuendos. Some of it was personal, talking about fellow classmates and their weak stomachs or character, friend stuff. 

At this point I'm going to interject the status of my wife and I's marriage. Prior to this week we were in a "platonic" stage, we've been "distant" for months. I realized we'd not hugged or kissed in over a week, we were sleeping with backs to each other (I snore, but it's nice to snuggle up for 10 minutes with the lights out before rolling over, it wasn't happening though) Our sex life was at about once a month. I was feeling really distant from my wife, and she seemed to be closer than ever to her male friend. As I said above, I read her texts because I started to feel jealous. 

Back to her and her friend. I was struggling with telling my wife about the way I felt, struggling with the fact that me telling her I had concerns was the same as saying I didn't have absolute trust in her. On the 3rd night he texted her at 10pm, (I don't know what about,although I'm almost certain it was about school and nothing more) at lights out I asked her if she was awake enough to talk. I told her I was feeling jealous of her male friend and I only wanted one thing, I just wanted her to put my mind at ease. She said I have NOTHING to worry about, she strongly emphasized that there is nothing to worry about at all. She hugged me and told me she loved ME and don't worry. The next morning I expressed how hard it was for me to tell her how I felt, she said she would probably feel the same way if the tables were turned and we left it at that. We didn't' really talk about my feelings or how it made her feel. I feel like there wasn't really any closure, but at least she knew how I felt. 

The next day she didn't' reply to his text at night and I noticed that he didn't text her much at home (he was the only person she was texting at that time, so I assumed less texts me less from him) two days after our talk I checked her texts again (unknowingly to her) all the previous texts between them were erased. (prior to that there were 2 months of texts saved, I don't know if there were more before that were deleted or if that's all there were) She quit telling me stories about school with him in them, obviously she was trying to make me feel better by leaving him out of the days stories. I could feel the stories being "edited", names left out. It gave me mixed emotions. She wanted to make me feel better, but I may have made her uncomfortable with telling me about her whole day, I was only getting part of it. 

For the past week I decided that if I felt jealous, I was feeling insecure and I was not being as good of a husband as I could be. If I was threatened by another guy, I must have a reason for that so I made a large effort to be loving, to be close, to be interested and attentive to my wife. We made love on a friday night, (kids asleep). We arranged for the kids to stay with grandparents and went on a date, she looked fantastic and I wanted to make love that night, she said she was tired (not in the mood obviously) but we made love the morning after just like she suggested the night before. We talked and she suggested that we make a "sex night" Sundays after a show we watch together would be our night together and we followed through. We both made the commitment that even if we were tired, we'd make love, even if it was a "quickie" it would be good for us. 

This is day 9 after I told her how I felt. We've been closer than we have in years this week but I still checked her texts last night, I wish I didn't, I wish I just let it be, but I checked. After reading threads on here, I wish I'd asked her about her texts with him, I wish I'd led her to offer the communications between them for me to read rather than taking it like I did. 

She has films that are required to watch on her own time at school, do it before class, after class, whatever, but get them done. She texted her male friend that she was going to wait for him to watch one of the films, they would meet up before class to watch them together. She had also texted him a question about a test. 


Am I crazy to be worried about her friendship with this guy? I have no intention of asking her to modify any relationship with someone else, but their friendship makes me uneasy. She has always had more male friends than female before our marriage and she's not a "party girl" anymore, we are both pretty reclusive people. Don't get me wrong, I have a couple friends I interact with when doing "my hobby" which is motorcycle riding. She has her running club which she goes to every Sunday. Neither of us have had close friends during our marriage though. Neither of us have had a friend we call when something bothers us, it's always been each other. 

I did the wrong thing by reading her texts without her knowledge, but I don't understand why she deleted all those innocent texts. I don't' have a reason to believe that other texts were deleted out of those couple hundred, but I don't know if they weren't. 

I think I might be smothering her now. I want her to know I care, but I might be going too far. She is in fantastic physical shape and I've let myself go for the past couple years. I've been talking about running with her for months, I wanted to do a race with her. I wanted to do this for two reasons, number one to get in better shape, and two, so that we can share a hobby together, I don't want to take over her hobby, but I'd like to share it with her. I've gone on 3 runs this past week, only doing the 1st mile with her, she's continued on her own for the rest. 


What should my next step be? Just wait and see? 
Should I have another talk with her about the way I feel?
Should I tell her I read her texts and apologize for the intrusion? (I really don't think I should, I don't think any good can come from that, I think I should just never read her texts again without permission) 
I don't feel as jealous as I did, I feel more confident, but a small part of me is still concerned. Is it unwarranted?
Should I just let the topic be and give her some space?

I do trust my wife, but obviously a small part of me doesn't trust her, she has full trust in me and I don't want to ruin the trust we do have. I don't want to damage our marriage because of my insecurities, but I also don't feel comfortable with another man being too close with my wife. When does a friendship become an EA? 

I'm a bit lost. Any advice?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think I'll win any popularity points for this, but when my wife went through nursing school, all of the students really leaned on each other a lot for support.

Snooping was reasonable. Don't let it bother you - most people would have done the same.

If you had found them complaining about their marriages - then it could be an EA. Or - if she was going to see a NORMAL movie with this guy - and didn't tell you - then I'd think it was an EA.

If I were you, I would be careful about checking the phone. If you get caught, then it will be very rough on your marriage.

Plus - if you haven't caught her in any lies - then you have no real solid reason not to trust her.

Focus on yourself and your marriage. Be supportive of your wife.

The only thing that really bugs me here is that she quit talking about the guy. Maybe try to ask her some questions - try to get her comfortable talking about him again. Not questions about him - but about school. Hell - take an honest interest in her and what she's doing!

Don't get too comfortable - but based on what you've described - I don't think your wife is having an EA.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Get to know the guy yourself. Is he single? Put a VAR in her car and listen to what it records. You have a need to feel secure. Nursing school is demanding, and classmate support is almost required if you are going to make it in the program.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I don't like it, it's never appropriate to be such close friends of the opposite sex when you are married. She needs to find a woman to be friends with. The vast majority of affairs happen by proxy just like this (being at the right place at the right time). 

I say she is having and EA and if those txt were innocent then there would be no need to delete them. 

Neediness/insecurity is a major turnoff for women so I would go to IC to work on that. It's normal for her to tell you nothing is going on to be extra nice to you IF she has something to hide, most people you have EA are either in denial about it or will lie at all cost to protect it.


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank you nice guy. 

One - thanks for saying most would snoop. I just feel terrible about it. It's hard not to wonder, but from what I read of her messaging, I have no reason to do it, so I'm not going to look again, it only feeds insecurity and distrust. 

The Movie, you're right, it's a school film and I'm sure they just wanted to make fun of the stupid narrator together, they are friends and I'm ok with that. I'm sure you can understand my concern though, unfounded as it may be. 

I'm not as concerned about her dropping him from the topic as you though, I can "feel" that it's to try and not make me feel uneasy. BUT, I don't think it's healthy to do that. I have a feeling that she was mentioning him more often because they were spending more time together and if I somehow (really unlikely that I would) but if I somehow found out they were eating lunch together in a cafeteria or something, that I'd be really uneasy since I didn't know about their level of friendship, so she was making sure to drop hints that she has spent time with her male friend. I also think that she's thought of it from the other side and that if the tables were turned, she'd be a bit uneasy of me hanging out with a single female coworker that much. This is new ground for both of us, but she'll be working with many males in the near future so I need to get used to it, I realize that.


I will be more supportive of my wife, specifically paying more attention when she's telling me about her day, about what happened with onsite training (clinical) for the day, so I too can be someone to talk to about her focus. Her friend is in the same boat as her, hours of studying, waking up at 4am, etc. I understand that they can identify with each other better than I can, but If I'm more available to talk to I don't think I'll feel as "left out" 

I understand that I'm 50% of the "problem" when it comes to being "distant" 

HerToo - I'm not interested in recording anything. I really don't have a way to "get to know the guy" My wife's school is over an hour away from here, and her male friend (who is single, you'd asked) lives and hour further away from us, so he's two hours away. My wife does not spend time with him outside of the school day, but does spend time between classes (as I said above, some days there are 4 hour breaks between classes) There is no way I can drive to her school to spend the break between classes with her, not only is it not feesable time wise, it would be like "checking up " on my wife and I don't want or feel the need to do that. Additionally, you're right, I have a need to feel secure....I.E. I'm currently insecure. I realize that. I understand that I feel insecure and am making changes to increase my confidence. (The biggest change is health, love handles don't inspire confidence in me, superficial as that is, I need to feel healthy to feel confident) 


I appreciate both your replies. I just needed someone else to hear my concerns and respond objectively, without personal knowledge of myself or my wife.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What you describe sounds really innocent to me, but I agree with ArmyofJuan that when you're in a monogamous relationship it's not appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex, ever. Many people IRL don't agree with me though.

I like your idea of working on things between you and her, and on working on yourself. Those are never bad ideas and can only help.

Is there anything in your past that makes you insecure?


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Army of Juan - I appreciate your input. I know lack of confidence is a turn off, it's a fine line between attentiveness and fawning. I know which side I'm leaning toward as I said above I'm working on it. 


I don't know if you caught it in the original post, but I read through all the texts before they were deleted, they were all about school, tests, technical questions, a couple about classmates. Absolutely nothing that felt weird. I should have added that all here texts were deleted, not just the texts between him and her. (all the others were friends and family that are of no concern) I agree, deleting them all is weird timing and I think it's connected, but I don't think it was nefarious. 

One half of me agrees with you, married people should not have close friendships with the opposite sex, the other half thinks that it's a non-issue if the context is appropriate. It's true, often times friendships spawn more intimate relationships, but more often than not, they do not go any further. 

I think the level of my wife's friendship is on a fine line of what feel appropriate to me. Since it's only been less than a week since I mentioned my discomfort, I will wait and see. I don't expect my wife to all of sudden stop contact with a friend, but I hope she thinks of how it would make me feel when engaging in activities with her classmate, especially out of the classroom. 

Example - the day they went running together. Knowing how I feel, if she feels the need to take him along again on a run, I'd be hurt. If she suggested that he join her in a 5k race and they meet up to run that, I'd feel fine. Maybe that seems like a trivial difference, but to me the difference is the context, sharing time together intimately (only the two of them) and sharing time in a group, totally different to me. 



I will work on me, I will encourage her to tell me about her day, including everyone in it. I will involve myself more in her activities (joining her on some runs) If she doesn't get what the line is that makes me uncomfortable, I think I should just tell her. I.E. the running analogy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

As a man who was totally burned by his wife having a deep friendship with a single male, I can offer some perspective.

For years, their friendship really was just that. Nothing was going on. When our marriage started having problems, she came to me first. When I didn't fix things as she suggested, she allowed herself to fall for her friend.

This is the danger. I agree it is not appropriate for them to be close friends. Acquaintances, sure. Close friends, no. Because while it sounds very innocent right now, it could very easily turn into something more. This is exactly why it needs to stop.

And let me tell you this. Don't think that you becoming friends with the guy will help things. I was friends with my wife's buddy-turned-love interest too. Didn't matter at all. You have to set some boundaries. It's already eating you alive. I swear to God texting is ruining relationships. It's always the texting.


Your wife sounds very responsive to your concerns. This likely why she dind't talk to him for awhile and deleted the texts. But then when she felt things were okay with you, she started back up. Lay some groundwork and man up, tell your wife what you are not going to stand for. She may respect the heck out of you for that. Otherwise, it sounds very much like this is heading down a bad road fast. Him taking up running to hang with your wife is a huge red flag.


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Hope1964 - anything in the past? 

One - My relationship prior to my wife. My girlfriend for 5 years, starting in sophmore year of collage. When I had to move home for 6 months after college (as did she), she found our new home in the city we were both moving to, she lived there for about 3 months before me. She met a guy in group of friends she'd made and slept with him several times. She told me later but wanted to work it out with me, we stayed together. A couple years later she was back hanging out with the same crowd of friends and he, the other guy, was one of those friends. She insisted that I was crazy to ask her not to hang around that guy, she insisted that there was no way to be friends with all the friends in that group without seeing him. (she would hang out with his girlfriend at the time, at his home) That relationship ended after 5 years, but I'm sure it warped me a little. 

Two - My wife had an affair with her first Husband. She married him at 17 years old. He was in the Navy, she meet some guy on the base and had an affair, they divorced. She was a kid, I don't hold it against her, she told her husband right after it happened and felt terrible. BUT, it happened. It's enough to plant a really really small seed of possibility. 


Again, I'm still confident in this angle of approach. 
"I will work on me, I will encourage her to tell me about her day, including everyone in it. I will involve myself more in her activities (joining her on some runs) If she doesn't get what the line is that makes me uncomfortable, I think I should just tell her. I.E. the running analogy. "


I guess I do still have a question though. 

Should I pursue the topic any further? Should I tell her that I'm OK with a male friend, but that certain activities make me uncomfortable? (I.E. one on one activities) Should I tell her what level makes me uncomfortable, or should I assume that she'll know? (not that I'd ask her to say no to a lunch with just her an her friend, but if she knew how it made me feel, maybe she'd ask another friend to come along?)


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank you Gabriel. I appreciate your input too. 

It does eat at me. Honestly, right now because I'm posting responses it's at the surface, but It does not eat at me as much as you might think. When the text alert goes off, that's when it bugs me. 

I've got some things to do today, I've got to leave this thread for awhile, but I really appreciate the input and will do my best to reply to any honest suggestions. 

I'd be happy to hear any more replies to the above questions. 

" guess I do still have a question though.

Should I pursue the topic any further? Should I tell her that I'm OK with a male friend, but that certain activities make me uncomfortable? (I.E. one on one activities) Should I tell her what level makes me uncomfortable, or should I assume that she'll know? (not that I'd ask her to say no to a lunch with just her an her friend, but if she knew how it made me feel, maybe she'd ask another friend to come along?) "


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Michael27 said:


> Should I pursue the topic any further? Should I tell her that I'm OK with a male friend, but that certain activities make me uncomfortable? (I.E. one on one activities) Should I tell her what level makes me uncomfortable, or should I assume that she'll know? (not that I'd ask her to say no to a lunch with just her an her friend, but if she knew how it made me feel, maybe she'd ask another friend to come along?) "


Again - not sure who will and won't agree. But I tend to think that open and honest communication is usually a good idea.

If she's really concerned about how you feel - then she may learn to start inviting someone else along. That would be the perfect response.

Another thing about taking an interest - and asking questions and communicating - your wife's reaction can tell you a lot. If she's overly defensive about this guy or the situation in general - then that's a bad sign. If the discussion is calm and rational - that's a great sign.

When my (soon to be ex) wife was in school - there was the ONE male student - but her classmates tended to do a lot of things in groups. He was also married - but that's no guarantee. But just thinking - from his perspective - he really had no choice but to team up with a woman.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I don't think I'll win any popularity points for this, but when my wife went through nursing school, all of *the students really leaned on each other a lot for support*.
> 
> Snooping was reasonable. Don't let it bother you - most people would have done the same.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'm an administrator in a nursing school. I see these friendships all the time, they really do lean on one another for support. Nursing students are very very very very stressed out. Nobody in their family really understands the type of pressure they're under to both be great in clinicals and then also get through the theory component of their studies. It's crazy. They don't have the luxury of even taking care of themselves, much less their husbands, wives and children, and they have tremendous amounts of guilt for that for the duration of classes.

Please be patient with your wife. She's told you that there's nothing to worry about. I know you would like to offer her the support this male friend of hers is offering, as that would be ideal... but in this situation you can't completely relate to what she's experiencing. She's not trying to shut you out purposely, but her plate is so full right now and it's hard to juggle everything.

We tell our students that first day of class, tell your family and friends goodbye, you'll be there for them again in 2 years. It's tough, but that's the nature of nursing classes.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

My brother's ex-wife cheated on him with a friend from nursing school. Question for you. Do you think that this guy has good intentions with your wife? Trust your wife, don't trust him. We didn't have texting when I was out their but I never talked to a girl on the level of 200 txts unless I was trying to get a piece.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Michael,

I think you should read the book Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. by George Levine. It is a good guide on how and why boundaries are important. 

Regarding your wife's texting habits, let me pose a couple of questions. Does your wife take her phone with her to the bathroom? Does she ever walk out of the room after a text with her phone? I ask because when my ex wife's affair was in full bloom, she wouldn't leave her phone laying around, she always had to have it with her. I thought it strange at the time, but obviously now realize it was for two purposes (i) for secrecty and (ii) the "can't wait" to hear from the OM syndrome. 

So if she isn't acting like that now, it probably is relatively innocent friendship situation. However, if she is or does that in the future that should be a huge red flag. As one poster noted, his wanting to run with her (and not being a runner himself) is a huge red flag regarding his intentions, at least to me. Tells me he is doing the "see we like the same things" con on her. Just my opinion.

Read the book, set up your boundaries, let her know your boundaries. And remember, you should feel the right to be able to check your wife's phone every now and again as she should be able to do with yours, for there can't be secrecy in a good marriage. If you ever get the your invading my privacy. Please be sure to tell your wife that in a marriage the only privacy you get is when your sitting on the toilet.....


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Darn, my response got deleted in cyberspace. So here is the condensed version:
You have good , not absolute, reason to suspect. Not huge , waving red flag, but some little ones.
1) Gave up friendship with female student-I acknowledge the explanation, different schedules/
2) Volume and timing of texts, despite the appropriate nature of them.
3)The running deal. This one concerns me more. He does not have an interest in it, generally.So, why is he the choice of running partners.
4) Her history of cheating in a past marriage. I had this, too. Like you, I chalked it up to youth and bad judgement. However , it resurfaced. In hindsight , i realize that , unlike certain other indiscretions or youthful mistakes, it is a few standard deviation more serious(a breach of a sacred vow). Values are reasonably entrenched by 17 and behavior of that magnitude is a sign of something within or lacking.

That said, all you have are valid, supicons, that are cumulative. I think you would be well advised to keep your eyes and ears open.
Also, your insecurites surfaced for a reason. You describe a lack of closeness and intimacy leading up to your expressing concern. That is a big sign and the new found closenss could be her guilt or an effort to untrack you. Could be she is working onthe marriage in response to your expressing insecurity, as well, a good reason.
I can tell you that before i went through this and did all the reading, and talking to folks who have been through it, i would have advised you differently: to not wworry. But, this knowledge , now, has changed the way I look at things, dramatically.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I agree with Arnold's post. This situation your wife is in is understandable given the stresses of nursing school. However, your concerns are not unfounded. And I disagree with the sentiment of the post that says to "say goodbye to your wife for 2 years until she finishes school"

Even though your wife may honestly view this relationship as platonic at this moment in time, it also has some potential to completely cross the line into a situation that could ultimately destroy your marriage. I don't think you need to be so apologetic for expressing your concern about outside influences that could hurt your marriage. She may even take this as your unspoken support of their continued friendship.

You expressed a feeling of lack of intimacy with your wife for some time. Have you talked with her about this to see if she feels the same way, and if so, what are some of the reasons for it?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I agree with Arnold's post. This situation your wife is in is understandable given the stresses of nursing school. However, your concerns are not unfounded. And *I disagree with the sentiment of the post that says to "say goodbye to your wife for 2 years until she finishes school"*Even though your wife may honestly view this relationship as platonic at this moment in time, it also has some potential to completely cross the line into a situation that could ultimately destroy your marriage. I don't think you need to be so apologetic for expressing your concern about outside influences that could hurt your marriage. She may even take this as your unspoken support of their continued friendship.
> 
> You expressed a feeling of lack of intimacy with your wife for some time. Have you talked with her about this to see if she feels the same way, and if so, what are some of the reasons for it?



It should be noted that I don't agree with the sentiment either. I was just relaying what the nursing instructors do in fact tell their students in orientation. (In saying "we" it is in the context of the nursing school as a whole, not me personally)


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> And I disagree with the sentiment of the post that says to "say goodbye to your wife for 2 years until she finishes school"


The source was an administrator of a nursing program (who has since stated she disagrees with her own post - hence - left ME out to dry!!!). Why do you disagree? And on what basis?

I honestly think my wife was too busy and too stressed out to have an affair while she was in nursing school.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I agree with Arnold's post. This situation your wife is in is understandable given the stresses of nursing school. However, your concerns are not unfounded. And I disagree with the sentiment of the post that says to "say goodbye to your wife for 2 years until she finishes school"
> 
> Even though your wife may honestly view this relationship as platonic at this moment in time, it also has some potential to completely cross the line into a situation that could ultimately destroy your marriage. I don't think you need to be so apologetic for expressing your concern about outside influences that could hurt your marriage. She may even take this as your unspoken support of their continued friendship.
> 
> You expressed a feeling of lack of intimacy with your wife for some time. Have you talked with her about this to see if she feels the same way, and if so, what are some of the reasons for it?


:iagree:


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, that 2 year goodbye deal seems a little overly dramatic/over the top. I respect nurses, but this is not neurosurgical training. And, if it is that rigorous/demanding, then it is incumbent on your wife to be attentive to you, as you support her on her endeavor. Your scarifice is every bit a great and demanding as hers.
I would not go the VAR , Gps, Keylogger route yet. But, once you start reading the list of signs, be aware of what you are observing and analyze it.
You are not at this point, yet,(and, hopefully never will be), but if you reach a threshold where you are questioning your sanity and perceptions, the most effective/expedient way to find out for sure is by employing an experienced, reputable private investigator. it is not cheap, but, typically, yields fast, conclusive results.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> The source was an administrator of a nursing program (who has since stated she disagrees with her own post - hence - left ME out to dry!!!). Why do you disagree? And on what basis?
> 
> I honestly think my wife was too busy and too stressed out to have an affair while she was in nursing school.



 It's okay niceguy... I don't agree with it in the sense that I believe everything can have a balance, and really some people take this statement way out in left field... KWIM?

If you have support at home, you really do (as a nursing student) still have a horrible time prioritizing because nursing colors EVERYTHING!! No outings, no birthdays, no fun stuff.... only studying studying and more studying.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yep, if they can be friendly and stick to the task at hand (nursing assignments, taking classes, stuff like that), then it's probably okay. But when she then stretches that into other things like running or other hobbies, she is playing with fire.

It is so easy for her to slip and say something about you to him, like, "I wish he would pick up after himself more," or, "He's been ignoring me lately." That's the next step here, and the first step to an affair.

Keep on the lookout, seek sex more often from your wife, buy her flowers, tell her she looks pretty, tell her you are proud of her, give her no reason to complain about you until nursing school is over.


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

I appreciate the replies. The running didn't bother me much at first, but as a couple of you have put it, it adds up to concern. 

I've been stewing on this for the past couple hours and I realize I need to talk about this more with my wife. "you have nothing to worry about" is not enough for me. I want to talk about what makes me uncomfortable. I DO NOT want to tell my wife what to do, I just want her to know how certain scenarios could make me feel, and how previous instances made me feel, and why. I don't think I want an explanation, I only want to let her know what boundaries I feel OK with. 

I have a hard time thinking quickly on my feet. I have to process, it takes time for words and implications to sink in for me so I think I'm going to write down an outline of what I want to say, what I want to cover. I know that sounds weird, but if I don't it could take the conversation south, quickly. 

My wife just texted me to tell me school is out early and she's on the way home, so, not enough time today to write up what I want to say. 

We're going on a run before I pick the kids up from daycare , maybe I'll touch on the distant topic first, I don't need an "outline" to just talk. It's the topic of concern that I'll get flustered with and loose my train of thought, it'll come out wrong if I just wing it, I know myself well enough for that. No harm in waiting a couple more days. (I am self employed, some days are laid back (today) others are not (tomorrow)


All of you, thank you again. I read some very sincere and thoughtful replies. It's nice to have some feedback.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I honestly think my wife was too busy and too stressed out to have an affair while she was in nursing school.


Entire blogs and YouTube videos are dedicated to the 'Life of a Nursing Student'.

It's really something. My own daughter is 3 semesters away from her BSN. She's a nutcase. Thank goodness she doesn't have a husband or family while she's trying to do this. Taking care of her cat is challenging sometimes. 

I'm happy to hear from her once every few weeks. Let's me know she hasn't completely lost her marbles yet.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> Entire blogs and YouTube videos are dedicated to the 'Life of a Nursing Student'.
> 
> It's really something. My own daughter is 3 semesters away from her BSN. She's a nutcase. Thank goodness she doesn't have a husband or family while she's trying to do this. Taking care of her cat is challenging sometimes.
> 
> I'm happy to hear from her once every few weeks. Let's me know she hasn't completely lost her marbles yet.


In the interest of full disclosure - I will likely be divorced by January. There were EAs involved, but not until AFTER nursing school.

I DO - however - think that there was some distance created while she was in school that we never regained. That's why I suggest the OP focus on his marriage and not the fellow student. 

If your wife is stressed about school - and you "nag" her about some guy she is really just studying with - you may push her away. I sure as hell wouldn't plant a voice recorder in her car or install a keylogger - especially if you have no firm reason to suspect that she is lying.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> In the interest of full disclosure - I will likely be divorced by January. There were EAs involved, but not until AFTER nursing school.


I'm sorry to hear that niceguy.

And I do agree with you here:



> If your wife is stressed about school - and you "nag" her about some guy she is really just studying with - you may push her away. I sure as hell wouldn't plant a voice recorder in her car or install a keylogger - especially if you have no firm reason to suspect that she is lying.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Apply a simple rule , she is a married woman , as she has had an affair before she knows the boundaries , no friendships with members of the opposite sex . No matter how stressful nursing school is , she can choose a female friend to lean on not a male . You are not comfortable with this guy , she deletes his text messages that action is not appropriate and implies she is hiding something.

Stick to basics , if you were texting and engaging with a single young woman your wife would not be happy , apply the same guidelines to her , she should distance herself from him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm an administrator in a nursing school. I see these friendships all the time, they really do lean on one another for support. Nursing students are very very very very stressed out. Nobody in their family really understands the type of pressure they're under to both be great in clinicals and then also get through the theory component of their studies. It's crazy. They don't have the luxury of even taking care of themselves, much less their husbands, wives and children, and they have tremendous amounts of guilt for that for the duration of classes.
> 
> ...


My EA started at work. We were in a highly stressful environment and we leaned on each other. So I do understand to get through school this is common, BUT it is also a tremendous incubator for extramrital meeting of needs. It is what it is. It is not a black and white world. She can lean on another female nurse. This is not a field that is lacking for female students. She should go out of her way to cultivate female friends. It is one thing to include him in the group but this is a one on one group of meeting needs. They are bonding. Innocent or not this is how EAs start. They are going through experiences together and relying on each other. You do the math. He has much to be concerned about.

The biggest red flags for me have been in his very Beta attitude towards it all. i.e. he feels bad for feeling jelaous. He feels bad for snooping. He is calling himself insecure. He is setting himself up. Moreover the relationship has been in bad repair. She is vulnerable to an affair because of the platonic state. When history re-writing begins it will be very easy for her to point out her marriage was failing. I think the scheduling of time and yes even sex together is a very positve thing.

The planets are very much aligned here. Lack of intimacy. Long distance from the spouse. Lots of out of class time tiogether. Texting when she is not there. All plausible. But all of that is building a bond that is likely to become a critical mass. Remeber that EAs are about chemicals. At some point it just feels right and they are not only friends but classmates.

Again, I suggest she find other female students to lean on and bond with. She is married. He is supporting her efforts in school. Let's hope when she is ready to graduate she does not decide to trade up with someone she met in school. It is one thing to support a wife in her education. Her time focused on other things. It is an entirely different thing to say good bye to her and have her needs met by another man while she is doing this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> My EA started at work. We were in a highly stressful environment and we leaned on each other. So I do understand to get through school this is common, BUT it is also a tremendouse incubator for extramrital meeting of needs. It is what it is. It is not a black and white world. *She can lean on another female nurse.* This is not a field that is lacking for female students. Sge should go out of her way to cultivate female friends. It is one thing to include him in the group but this is a one on one group of meeting needs. They are bonding. Innocent or not this is how EAs start. They are going through experiences together and relying on each other. You do the math. He has much to be concerned about.



I don't recall the OP saying this guy was her only support in school. Likely he's the only guy in her class (female students outnumber the males). All of his support would be with the other women in his class and it's more common that these women are married with families. Non-tradional Nursing students are the majority here.

I'm not saying to ignore his feelings. He says he'll talk to her and tell her his fears, and as her husband he should be very open and clear with his concerns. That's what he should do.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Apply a simple rule , she is a married woman , as she has had an affair before she knows the boundaries , no friendships with members of the opposite sex . No matter how stressful nursing school is , she can choose a female friend to lean on not a male . You are not comfortable with this guy , she deletes his text messages that action is not appropriate and implies she is hiding something.
> 
> Stick to basics , if you were texting and engaging with a single young woman your wife would not be happy , apply the same guidelines to her , she should distance herself from him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I skimmed too much. She has already had an affair!?

:redcard:

So time to man-up and get more Alpha. You are going to need it buddy. Support her leginitmate efforst but do not be so passive as to not fight for your marriage.

Update:



> One - My relationship prior to my wife. My girlfriend for 5 years, starting in sophmore year of collage. When I had to move home for 6 months after college (as did she), she found our new home in the city we were both moving to, she lived there for about 3 months before me. She met a guy in group of friends she'd made and slept with him several times. She told me later but wanted to work it out with me, we stayed together. A couple years later she was back hanging out with the same crowd of friends and he, the other guy, was one of those friends. She insisted that I was crazy to ask her not to hang around that guy, she insisted that there was no way to be friends with all the friends in that group without seeing him. (she would hang out with his girlfriend at the time, at his home) That relationship ended after 5 years, but I'm sure it warped me a little.
> 
> Two - My wife had an affair with her first Husband. She married him at 17 years old. He was in the Navy, she meet some guy on the base and had an affair, they divorced. She was a kid, I don't hold it against her, she told her husband right after it happened and felt terrible. BUT, it happened. It's enough to plant a really really small seed of possibility.


Oh my lord .......

Well the first one was a previous girlfriend ... yes? Not your wife. That matters. So you are blaming yourself ... Stop being so Beta. That is not attractive. Go lift some weights.

Well the thing is she knows she can have this relationship with this single guy and you will forgive her anyway. Sure she may become romanticly involved with him for a sometime and maybe the two years. It is not certain that she will trade up with him or another. She may very well be able to have her school fling and move on. But if she does and you forgive her like a really nice guy would then she is setup up for the big show when she meets the AMOG Doctor. 

Best to have clear boundaries now and not have to keep forgiving which is tacet approval for future affairs. Stop thinking you are being insecure. You have reason to be concerned.



> Should I pursue the topic any further? Should I tell her that I'm OK with a male friend,


Being ok with her male friend is going to pretty much enable her affair with him. She will see a very Beta male unwilling to stand his ground to rptect the marriage. Poor boundaries. So she will see this other guy as being a fitter male, especially if he makes a play for her. Unless her is gay he will indeed try to bed her if he is single. Bet your wife on that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I don't like it, it's never appropriate to be such close friends of the opposite sex when you are married. She needs to find a woman to be friends with. The vast majority of affairs happen by proxy just like this (being at the right place at the right time).
> 
> I say she is having and EA and if those txt were innocent then there would be no need to delete them.
> 
> Neediness/insecurity is a major turnoff for women so I would go to IC to work on that. It's normal for her to tell you nothing is going on to be extra nice to you IF she has something to hide, *most people you have EA are either in denial about it or will lie at all cost to protect it.*


I was very much in denial.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't recall the OP saying this guy was her only support in school. Likely he's the only guy in her class (female students outnumber the males). All of his support would be with the other women in his class and it's more common that these women are married with families. Non-tradional Nursing students are the majority here.
> 
> I'm not saying to ignore his feelings. He says he'll talk to her and tell her his fears, and as her husband he should be very open and clear with his concerns. That's what he should do.


I am reading that she is spending most of her time with the male student and in not leaning on the other classmates to any degree. I am indeed assuming that the females outnumber the males. I would agree that she could seek out other married women who she has more in common with. I think we are hearing the usual thing that she makes friends with males more easily than females. I suggest she change that now that she is married which will help her to stay married.

So I agree why would she be doing this?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> The source was an administrator of a nursing program (who has since stated she disagrees with her own post - hence - left ME out to dry!!!). Why do you disagree? And on what basis?


Because I put my wife on the back burner for years while pursuing my own education. The effects of this, and other things, went deep and have taken years to reverse.

Also, my wife went to nursing school while we were married and I know a little bit about the process.

Marriage first, other details second.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Michael27 said:


> I appreciate the replies. The running didn't bother me much at first, but as a couple of you have put it, it adds up to concern.
> 
> I've been stewing on this for the past couple hours and I realize I need to talk about this more with my wife. "you have nothing to worry about" is not enough for me. I want to talk about what makes me uncomfortable. I DO NOT want to tell my wife what to do, I just want her to know how certain scenarios could make me feel, and how previous instances made me feel, and why. I don't think I want an explanation, I only want to let her know what boundaries I feel OK with.
> 
> ...


How you tell your wife this relationship is unacceptable is as important as getting the point across. 

Do be assertive but without being a jerk. Do not be Beta and weak. Do not beg or plead. Assert that this is unacceptable to you and that while you support her education and appreciate the hard work she is doing for "you both" that you will not support this type of relationship that she has with this male or any other males. It must stop immediately. She is expected to befriend other females and not to have a close personal relationship with another man. 

If she cannot agree then you expect her to drop out of school until she can do this. If she refuses to end the relationship with this OM, then you know it is an affair. So then you move onto saying that she has made her choice but that you will not be around to support her life style that leads to an open marriage. 

This is done in a very calm, strong, confident and assertive way. It is tough love. She has wandered and needs your help. An Alpha male would not put up with this. 

You will be tempted to cry, beg and say how much you love her. It is because you love her however that you refuse to give her up to another man. Fight for your wife. That is sexy. Begging and being weak is not sexy. Letting her have her space for this is just enabling an affair. If not this guy then the next.

It takes balance though to pull this off. Calm, assertive ... tough love. Set the boundaries.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs. Set boundaries as part of this. If school is more important than the marriage, then you have already lost her. Sometimes you have to be willing to let them go to keep them. Be strong.

Also, how realisitc is it for you to move closer to her school? Imagine if you lived real close. Her time would be more efficiently spent.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Entire blogs and YouTube videos are dedicated to the 'Life of a Nursing Student'.
> 
> It's really something. My own daughter is 3 semesters away from her BSN. She's a nutcase. Thank goodness she doesn't have a husband or family while she's trying to do this. Taking care of her cat is challenging sometimes.
> 
> I'm happy to hear from her once every few weeks. Let's me know she hasn't completely lost her marbles yet.


I have no doubt and very much respect this.

Intense environements can lead to some very intense feelings. Kinda like being in the military. Lots of infidelity there too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> In the interest of full disclosure - I will likely be divorced by January. There were EAs involved, but not until AFTER nursing school.
> 
> I DO - however - think that there was some distance created while she was in school that we never regained. That's why I suggest the OP focus on his marriage and not the fellow student.
> 
> If your wife is stressed about school - and you "nag" her about some guy she is really just studying with - you may push her away. I sure as hell wouldn't plant a voice recorder in her car or install a keylogger - especially if you have no firm reason to suspect that she is lying.


Yes indeed he should work on the marriage, but as we see all the time, it is very difficult to work on the marriage if there is an EA going on. I think he and his wife should set some boundaries ( that should have been set sooner ), make this guy history and then work very hard on the marriage they have together. No doubt much sacrifice ahead. She is working hard no doubt but it is on her to show her appreciation for his support by not having needs met by another guy. It is really not difficult to do in her environment. She is enjoying the single guy. That is selfish or at the least naive. Nurses should know better. LOL.

If he was in medical school and hanging out with a female student while his wife supported him what would people be saying here?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Going to continue to disagree.

I think there is a lot of opportunity on her part - but no real signs pointing towards an affair.

We all have opportunities. We all have co-workers of the opposite sex that we spend significant amounts of time with. If this were a male co-worker, what would we be saying?

Yes - I know - 200 texts - etc - but the boundaries of a student are different than those of an office or a lab. If I sent a female co-worker 10 e-mails today - non of which were inappropriate - would THAT be considered a "red flag"? If I walked down to the cafeteria with a female co-worker today - same one as I sent the e-mails to - is THAT a red flag?

In my case - the first EA started with stories that made NO SENSE about what she was doing on the phone so much - and those "stories" were quickly found out to be lies.

I STILL remember - more than two years ago - asking her a very basic question and her snapping at me in a very peculiar way. I NOW know that this was the first night she went out to meet a guy that night - and was likely VERY nervous about ANY questions I would have asked.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Going to continue to disagree.
> 
> I think there is a lot of opportunity on her part - but no real signs pointing towards an affair.
> 
> ...



OP should wait until it's a clear cut emotional affair before doing or saying anything?? Why not try to address it now before it does real damage? Before they start spending late-night time studying together after school. It seems like just a matter of time.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> OP should wait until it's a clear cut emotional affair before doing or saying anything?? Why not try to address it now before it does real damage? Before they start spending late-night time studying together after school. It seems like just a matter of time.


I don't remember advising him to ignore it. I told him to amp up the attention he gives his wife. And to talk about the situation with her directly - tell her that it makes him uncomfortable.

The boundaries are up to him - the OP. If he trusts his wife - he may not need to do much else. Lots of people are accepting of male/female friendships - ESPECIALLY when work is involved.

His original question was whether or not this is an EA - I still say no. It has potential. But then again - working 12 hour shifts with handsome young doctors will also have potential.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> OP should wait until it's a clear cut emotional affair before doing or saying anything?? Why not try to address it now before it does real damage? Before they start spending late-night time studying together after school. It seems like just a matter of time.


The boundary should have been set long ago. He needs to have it set now. If there is not an EA well great. This is not a workplace friend. This is a whole other level working here including isolation and long hours together outside of school activities. A guy dating her would not have such access.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> The boundary should have been set long ago. He needs to have it set now. If there is not an EA well great. This is not a workplace friend. This is a whole other level working here including isolation and long hours together outside of school activities. A guy dating her would not have such access.


OP needs to decide what HE thinks is acceptable and what the consequences are if his boundaries are crossed.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I don't remember advising him to ignore it. I told him to amp up the attention he gives his wife. And to talk about the situation with her directly - tell her that it makes him uncomfortable.
> 
> The boundaries are up to him - the OP. If he trusts his wife - he may not need to do much else. Lots of people are accepting of male/female friendships - ESPECIALLY when work is involved.
> 
> His original question was whether or not this is an EA - I still say no. It has potential. *But then again - working 12 hour shifts with handsome young doctors will also have potential.*


I think this is a great point. So all the better to set the boundaries now before the real competition engages in the real world. This is part of her training in being a nurse. It sets the right precedent. Trust is great but there needs to be the right boundaries to support that trust.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> OP needs to decide what HE thinks is acceptable and what the consequences are if his boundaries are crossed.


Absolutely. He is a Nice Guy. I fear for him erring on the too Nice side. This is a critical time and how he deals with this is going to have a far reaching impact on his family for the long term. It is a balance for sure. I would hate to see him be too nice and lose his wife. It would be too bad if he became a jerk and lost his wife. But being a nice guy I donlt think there is much danger of that.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I don't remember advising him to ignore it. I told him to amp up the attention he gives his wife. And to talk about the situation with her directly - tell her that it makes him uncomfortable.
> 
> The boundaries are up to him - the OP. If he trusts his wife - he may not need to do much else. Lots of people are accepting of male/female friendships - ESPECIALLY when work is involved.
> 
> His original question was whether or not this is an EA - I still say no. It has potential. But then again - working 12 hour shifts with handsome young doctors will also have potential.


Seems like the advise is to go more alpha and remain ever vigilant. But, I wonder if one gets tired of being an alpha and being vigilant, after a while.
Maybe I am just lazy , but I want to be able to let down and be myself in my relationship
Of course, being an extremely fit and good looking beta, with a good income, I guess I would have options should beta not be enough


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Torn on this one and its really bugging me.



Entropy3000 said:


> Yes indeed he should work on the marriage, but as we see all the time, it is very difficult to work on the marriage if there is an EA going on.


I don't think there is an EA going on. See no indication that her contact with this guy would interfere with OP's efforts.



> I think he and his wife should set some boundaries ( that should have been set sooner ),


Yes - should be part of the wedding vows! We should have all signed contracts...but we didn't. These talks don't happen until something happens.



> make this guy history


Most of the people on this board have been BURNED. OP needs to simply take that into account when defining his boundaries. I'm just not convinced that "this guy" needs to be made history. But - that's up to OP to decide.



> She is working hard no doubt but it is on her to show her appreciation for his support by not having needs met by another guy. It is really not difficult to do in her environment. She is enjoying the single guy. That is selfish or at the least naive.


Speculation - possibility - doesn't seem to be the case right now.



> If he was in medical school and hanging out with a female student while his wife supported him what would people be saying here?


This board isn't a good "sample population." We are the angry and the hurt and the skeptical - and for damn good reason.

So - to the original poster - take the advice you get here with all of this in mind.

But also - look around this board enough and you'll see that sadly - "we" are so often right...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

And still thinking.

Wife is probably majorly stressed out. She has a test this week, clinicals at the ER, etc., etc., He comes and says "I'm drawing a line - its me or your study buddy"

She tells him she has more important things to worry about.

What then? Does he move out? Pack her stuff and have it on the lawn? LITERALLY - if she says "buzz off" - what's his move?

And again - to the OP - if you draw this line - it has to work both ways. No more lunches with female co-workers for you. No more chatting on FB with girls you new in HS. It must go both ways.

Good luck...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Torn on this one and its really bugging me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To my knowledge I have never been burned. I was the one in the EA. So I know how innocently it happnes. This is not a workplace. She has a plethora of females she could befriend. Instead she has chosen to make this guy very very close to the exclusion of the others. I don't see this as normal at all. While EAs can happen readily between married folks I think the fact this guy is single is an even bigger red flag. 

This is a very easy thing for her to do to show loyalty to a husband who is supporting her in her education. It does bother him. However, like most Nice Guys he is blaming himself. I hope for their sake there is not an EA. Good!!! Stop this before it becomes one. That said, it is already rasing flags with him. He brought it up to her and rather than finding other friends she is just not talking about him any more. She could meet him part way and agree to a boundary of no close male friends in this intense environment. So little for her and such a big deal for the marriage. Why take such a risk? It also sets a very bad precedent.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree. Stressed out or not, this type of request requires very little on her part. It's not like he is asking her to re-roof the house while she studies


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Everyone needs friends... why don't you go running with her?

Everyone needs release... why aren't you having more frequent sex?

Everyone needs support... beyond being there when she gets back from nursing school, what else are you doing?

Everyone needs boundaries to protect and shore up their marriage. I think you have every right to ask the questions you've asked.


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. I didn't have an opertunity to read them all, I wanted to update the post. 

I made time to write up what I wanted to talk about before she got home. 

It was uncomfortable for both of us, neither of us have these types of discussions often. The conversation went well. I drew up the 4 points that led me to feel jealous. Essentially the texting, which is not a big deal to me, but coupled with the one on one run, it was troubling. 

The Run - She invited 4 classmates total, Her male friend was the only one to show. I specifically remember her telling me that she ditched him around the track and that he was surprised at her running speed/stamina. 

The lack of talking about him since...... She says that she had cut back the amount of time she'd spent with him this week, she had not thought of him in any fashion other than a friend and realized that if I felt some jealousy that maybe there was more to it. 


She's jumping out of the shower, I'll finish tomorrow.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Micheal---I have not read any of the other replies---you already may have the proper course to follow

IMHO-----She probably should go NC, with this guy 

1st---you really have no idea at all what they do TOGETHER in their 4 hr. break tween classes---but hot sweaty physcial activities can lead to erotic happenings afterward---its just the way it is----if she isn't with him---that can't happen

There is absolutely NO REASON for him to text her late at night, or more than a few times, if it is only student to student---so there probably are other things going on

Think about yourself----when have you sent a message to anyone late at night, unless it was an absolute necessity, or an emergency------HE WANTED TO TALK TO HER---otherwise there is absolutely no reason for one STUDENT TO TALK TO ANOTHER STUDENT, about anything late at night. Students are basically strangers to each other, so there should be few calls, and they should be about school work, AND NOTHING ELSE

You need to deal with this---and NC, is a must for starters----how that is accomplished with her miles away from you----that is a problem.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Michael27 said:


> she had not thought of him in any fashion other than a friend and realized that if I felt some jealousy that maybe there was more to it..


You were right. She knows that her single male "friend" has more than a platonic interest in her, and although she probably has not allowed anything to happen, she has been enjoying the attention. You have hopefully caught it early enough. Do not drop the ball.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TRy said:


> You were right. She knows that her single male "friend" has more than a platonic interest in her, and although she probably has not allowed anything to happen, she has been enjoying the attention. You have hopefully caught it early enough. Do not drop the ball.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

He is investing way too much time in a married woman. Sure he may like her and sure she has value as a colleague and classmate. However his interest is too much.

Keep in mind he is a male in a densely female populated campus. He chooses to spend time with your wife. High character? Saving himself? She is so fascinating that he does not pursue other women? Hmmmmm.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> He is investing way too much time in a married woman. Sure he may like her and sure she has valus as a colleague and classmate. However his interest is too much.
> 
> Keep in mind he is a male in a densely female pouplated campus. He chooses to spend time with your wife. High character? Saving himself? She is so fascinating that he does not pursue other women? Hmmmmm.


Same here, I'm wondering this as well. He has his pick of the litter when it comes to female companionship, especially from the unmarried females, yet he chooses to be close friends with a married woman? I don't see that happening unless he's seeing something...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What was said just above---brings about a major question

With all the other female students, there----WHY YOUR WIFE

Is it that she is married, and safe for this guy to go after, if that IS what is happening

Is your wife flirting, or leading him on

WHY IS THERE A CONNECTION AT ALL TWEEN THEM, besides student to student

Why is your wife pushing him to run with her, he should mean nothing to her, yet she is inducing him to have exercise with her----if that is what actually happened---once again, it is obvious they have a 4 hr. break at the same time----is there something going on besides REAL studying???????


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Boundaries, your wife doesn't have them. Why? I would be concerned. 

I will say her reaction to your concerns seems OK. 

I would move my conversations away from "I feel" to "It is unacceptable". They are having waaaay too much connection, this will not end well. 

My wife is one of a couple of women who works with around 200 guys in a male dominated field (engineering). She gets called to work and has long projects on occasion. For some reason she doesn't get texts late at night, or spend "alone" time with other guys.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Locard said:


> Boundaries, your wife doesn't have them. Why? I would be concerned.
> 
> I will say her reaction to your concerns seems OK.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Same here, I'm wondering this as well. He has his pick of the litter when it comes to female companionship, especially from the unmarried females, yet he chooses to be close friends with a married woman? I don't see that happening unless he's seeing something...


Single woman spend time at more places where they get attention. Him giving them attention probably didn't get the feedback/response that the wife who doesn't regularly get that attention. He's reacting to that response and seeing if he can get her to draw closer to him. 

Most men will take action to protect their home/family if a strange man is standing on your lawn in the middle of the night. This is a strange man standing on your lawn.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Single woman spend time at more places where they get attention. Him giving them attention probably didn't get the feedback/response that the wife who doesn't regularly get that attention. He's reacting to that response and seeing if he can get her to draw closer to him.


This is on target. Not only are married women with weak boundaries easier marks for such men, but since she is married, he can work at it longer with no success until she says yes. When a single woman says no, that is personal, you have failed and the relationship is over. When a married woman says no, she is married so nothing personal, you can just remain friends with her and try again later.


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## Michael27 (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank you again everyone for your input, support, and opinion. I did not read any of the posts since my last update yesterday since I don't feel they apply anymore. 

Although I trust my wife, I will not close my eyes and ears to warning signs, but as of today, I feel confident that I do not have anything to worry about.

It's hard to really convey an entire situation to a page of words. Many factors come into play in life's decision making, and specifically my approach to this issue. I'll give an example, my wife is an internet junky, text message fiend, so texting someone 200 times is not out of character, she texts 1000's of times monthly (in this situation 200 to this specific individual would now be inappropriate though in my opinion). Of course there are many more factors the you just can't know, I don't have the time. I appreciate that some people feel a line in the sand needed to be drawn, I on the other hand don't agree. A line in the sand for me, that's what had to be drawn, I'll explain. 

I wrote out two quick pages before I sat down with my wife and talked about what was happening. I explained to her that even though initially I thought it would be enough to just ask if I had anything to worry about, and her reply alone would suffice, it was not. I told her that I would give her the items of concern, from my point of view, whether they were unfounded or not, I gave her my interpretation of the situation. I did not tell her that I read her texts. The main points. Texting more frequently. Running - just the two of them. Texting late at night. The biggest issue was the running, and to me, the second biggest was the removal of "his" name from the days discussion. (or near removal) She invited 4 people to run. He was the only one to show. She ran at her pace, not at a slower pace to make conversation, or spend time together, as I said before I specifically remember her telling me about how he was not able to keep up and was "ditched" during the run. 

Explanation for leaving him out of the days discussion. I told her I though she was leaving him out of her summery of the day to protect my insecurities, to keep me from feeling uncomfortable. She explained this. She never thought of this guy in any form other than a friend, he was a member of the "3 musketeers" last semester and now with only my wife and him left, she didn't' think anything different of it. BUT, when I mentioned that I felt jealous, she put two and two together and made 3.95, she suspected that maybe he did have feelings deeper than platonic and made it a point to spend less time with "him" and what time she did spend she's intentionally made the effort to include other classmates. She said that she doesn't want to take a chance, that she doesn't want to put herself in a position to mislead this guy in any way, the collateral benefit of this is that I didn't hear his name nearly as much in the weeks de-briefing. Some might say, what about the class movie, I remember the date of the move they met up for, it was the day after I mentioned my initial concern. I can only surmise that she didn't want to break off a planned event, one that was harmless, but had she the opportunity to re-plan, I'm sure she would have either asked anther classmate to be there, or gone alone. Her explanation of the texts were 100% truthfull, she didn't know I knew what was in them, but they were what she said they were. 


Drawing a line......
I explained to her what boundary make me uncomfortable. What line I will not smile about, joke about, what level of friendship I certainly will not allow on my end. Time spend together "alone", not literally alone, but just the two friends of opposite sex together. I explained to her that I would never take female friend to lunch, just the two of us, and that if I went to lunch with a group of coworkers and all that was left was myself and a single female, I would finish my food, I'd be courteous, not chatty, and I'd tell my wife as soon as was reasonably possible about the situation. So I didn't draw line for my wife. I drew a line for me. She now knows unequivocally what level of friendship will bother me, and what she can expect from me when it comes to interpersonal relationships of the opposite sex. I left the ball in her court when it comes to her friendship with this "guy", telling her what to do at this point would be controlling. 


You want to know what I honestly think. I think that after I voiced my concern, she thought about it and realized it's possible he may have an interest in her. I also think she took a step back and looked at herself and realized she may be leaning on this guy more than she should have. I think she realized that she may be too close (this is my interpretation, this was not voiced) I trust my wife to handle this appropriately. 



The conversation ended with her understanding what will bother me, not what will give me a pang of jealousy , what will hurt me and piss me off. How she approaches this friendship and friendships with males in the future is her decision. I'm confident that she'll have our marriage in mind. I heard several replies suggesting a command from me, an order to stop interaction with this guy. Although I understand why you feel that way, this is not at that level. If I see that inappropriate interactions are still going on after this conversation, I will draw a line in the sand on her side, only then would it be appropriate in my opinion. 


Thanks again for your help everyone, I want to thank a couple people specifically, and in no specific order. Entropy, NiceGuy, Gabriel, Arnold. I appreicate the rest of the comments too. 


I don't plan on ever coming back to this thread. You won't hear from me unless I'm totally wrong about my wife, I'm sure I'm right. I trust my wife. 

This was a great source though, You may find me in another thread someday.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Interesting. He just fell short of the HNHN of discussing, defining and mutally agrreing on boundaries for each of them. His approach may of may not work by example. I think what he did was a very good thing, but I also think that in general it is far better to have equitable boundaries. I do not beleive one shoukld set boundaries for themselves and leave the others boundaries to be their business. That is close but seems very flawed ultimately. It seeme some men just cannot cross that boundary of looking like they are controlling someone else. Oh well. I wish him luck. Again I think his discussion was very good, jst maybe a tad short of perfect.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Hello, I'm a new poster coming here and would like help with problem X. 

Oh, I know I asked for help but didn't read any of your posts. 

Are you this confussing and bizare to deal with at home????

I have a feeling he will be back.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I think MC would help OP greatly in this situation. His W definitely has boundary issue.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I have to say..... I am in nursing school and I am around 58 women everyday. There is a total of 2 guys in my class, and between all the group research projects, group papers, class time together and clinicals = I am constantly in contact with married and single women from 20-30 years old. Some days I will send and receive texts at all hours, but it is always about some last minute requirements that one of the professors has posted. 

As far as physical fitness, I have found that this is a way that I connect with many of the younger women in class (cause most of them are afraid of getting fat). So if I was invited for a run, you better believe that I am going. It is hard being a guy in a school full of women. They turn on each other like animals for the smallest thing, then run up and hug each other in the hallways the next morning. But being a guy, you are already the outsider, so making friends is crucial for group projects to be successful. I mean every once in a while, some girls will invite me out for a drink, which I am going to accept simply to further integrate myself into the class. 

But there are a few husbands/boyfriends, that hate the fact I am around their women. It has almost gotten physical with one boyfriend, but the guy was too intimidated, so he ended up dumping her (she blames me somehow). And I was trying to calm him down and reassure him. But for my part (can't speak for the guy your wife is talking to) my interaction with these women is innocent. I wouldn't sleep with these women if they threw themselves at me. I know these girls too too too well, plus I am older than them and don't have time for the drama.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Any update buddy?


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