# Should I even bother to reconcile???



## idesofmarch

My husband & I separated 3 months ago- we've been married for 5 years, together for 6 years total. I'm the one who decided to leave the marriage because he was emotionally abusive & has narcissistic personality disorder, and I couldn't take his life-draining, ridiculous, hurtful behavior anymore. I moved out of our house with our 18 month old daughter & moved in with my mother, who only lives a few miles away. I'm not posting this to necessarily talk about his narcissism, though it does play a factor, but I need some advice regarding reconciling with him possibly...I think I already know the answer to my question, but I want to know what other people think...

I'm not in love with my husband anymore. Frankly, I don't really like him because since I've figured out that he's a narcissist I see through all his BS now & it makes me sick. It's been easier to leave him than a "normal" marriage would be, I believe, because we weren't friends. I'm 33 years old & I actually enjoy living at home with my mother because I'm free to be myself & I don't have the anxiety I had at home. 

1 month after we separated he started dating a woman he met on a dating site- he says they've been out 5 times & haven't had sex, only kissed. By the way, since we separated we've been intimate 2 times at the very beginning of the separation. He texts/calls me regularly asking me to come over to have sex, but I say no because I'm not interested in that at all because I know he's just using me. He's told me numerous times since we split up, and since he's been dating this woman, that he wants me back & he'll do anything to get me back. But he hasn't done anything to show me he's serious. He's taking HER out on dates and NOT his WIFE. 

For the past few days he's talked to me again about us getting back together. I asked him what he was going to do about the woman he's dating. He said he'd let this woman go completely if he knew that I was serious about us possibly getting back together. After thinking about it for a number of days, I told him that I would consider us getting back together again, but he'd have to make the effort to take me out, woo me, talk to me, open up to me about himself, etc. There would be no spending the night all the time, I'm not moving back in & I'm not going over there just to have sex with him (he's going to have to earn that from me). 

Later in the night we talked & I asked if he had told her that we were going to try to work things out. He said that he had texted her & told her that they weren't going to be able to go out on their date tomorrow...to me it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He says he wants his wife back & he loves me so much & he wants us to be a family & raise our daughter together...BUT...you're holding on to this woman that you barely know & you're still looking around the dating website too. I know that I can do so much better than this man. I'm happy at my mom's house. I really don't want to deal with all his shenanigans. I'm willing to let him try because he says he's going to do the right thing this time, but should i even bother????


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## SecondTime'Round

Well, I am in the process of exiting a relationship like this for the second time after a failed reconciliation. He said and did all the right things in the beginning, but then literally the day I moved "back" in (we bought a new house together), his behavior started all over again. I have not received one compliment from him since the day I moved in. 

My opinion is this: You shouldn't consider reconciliation unless/until he does exactly what you've asked, and he's already shown he's not going to since he won't give up this new fling. The rest of the stuff will take time to see if he truly has changed, and I really doubt he will. People like that can change for a short time to get what they want, but their true character creeps back in.

I totally get what you mean about being free to be yourself and not having anxiety all the time!


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## idesofmarch

I totally agree with you. I don't believe he's capable of any meaningful change because he's a NARCISSIST! It took me YEARS to figure this guy out & I made every excuse for him in the book, which is why I stayed for as long as I did. Also, becoming a mother changed my priorities in life & her needs come first now. I refuse to keep her in a situation that isn't healthy. She may see her dad treat another woman poorly, but it won't be HER mother. 

It seems I've answered my own question. I'm not sure why I even entertained giving him a chance.


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## Openminded

Narcissists are very difficult to deal with. You aren't in love with him. You like the freedom you have now. You don't want to send the wrong message to your daughter. 

Stop talking to him about this and shut him down if he brings it up. Time to move on.


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## aine

Go dark on him completely and see what he does. If he really wanted you back then you would see action. If he is a narcissist as you say, it is likely he just wants his ego stroked and you to be his back up plan. Time to exit completely I think.


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## Lloyd Dobler

idesofmarch said:


> My husband & I separated 3 months ago- we've been married for 5 years, together for 6 years total. I'm the one who decided to leave the marriage because he was emotionally abusive & has narcissistic personality disorder, and I couldn't take his life-draining, ridiculous, hurtful behavior anymore. I moved out of our house with our 18 month old daughter & moved in with my mother, who only lives a few miles away. I'm not posting this to necessarily talk about his narcissism, though it does play a factor, but I need some advice regarding reconciling with him possibly...I think I already know the answer to my question, but I want to know what other people think...
> 
> *I'm not in love with my husband anymore.* Frankly, I don't really like him because since I've figured out that he's a narcissist I see through all his BS now & it makes me sick. It's been easier to leave him than a "normal" marriage would be, I believe, because we weren't friends. I'm 33 years old & I actually enjoy living at home with my mother because I'm free to be myself & I don't have the anxiety I had at home.
> 
> 1 month after we separated he started dating a woman he met on a dating site- he says they've been out 5 times & haven't had sex, only kissed. By the way, since we separated we've been intimate 2 times at the very beginning of the separation. He texts/calls me regularly asking me to come over to have sex, but I say no because I'm not interested in that at all because I know he's just using me. He's told me numerous times since we split up, and since he's been dating this woman, that he wants me back & he'll do anything to get me back. But he hasn't done anything to show me he's serious. He's taking HER out on dates and NOT his WIFE.
> 
> For the past few days he's talked to me again about us getting back together. I asked him what he was going to do about the woman he's dating. He said he'd let this woman go completely if he knew that I was serious about us possibly getting back together. After thinking about it for a number of days, I told him that I would consider us getting back together again, but he'd have to make the effort to take me out, woo me, talk to me, open up to me about himself, etc. There would be no spending the night all the time, I'm not moving back in & I'm not going over there just to have sex with him (he's going to have to earn that from me).
> 
> Later in the night we talked & I asked if he had told her that we were going to try to work things out. He said that he had texted her & told her that they weren't going to be able to go out on their date tomorrow...to me it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He says he wants his wife back & he loves me so much & he wants us to be a family & raise our daughter together...BUT...you're holding on to this woman that you barely know & you're still looking around the dating website too. I know that I can do so much better than this man. I'm happy at my mom's house. I really don't want to deal with all his shenanigans. I'm willing to let him try because he says he's going to do the right thing this time, but should i even bother????


Ides,
as soon as I got to the part that's bolded above, I was saying to myself "No way should she reconcile." Everything else you wrote after that just confirmed my initial impressions. Look, you're young and you even said you know you can do better - I think it's time you cut ties with your husband completely so you can live a normal life with a husband who treats you like you should be treated. If it were me, I'd go ahead and file for divorce.


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