# Am i right to now consider divorce?



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I have been with my wife about 19 years, married 15. We have three daughters, 6,11, 13. I have addiction issues, which have been quite well managed for some time, but I recently had a gambling relapse, which my wife does not know about.

My wife has put up with quite a lot from me, and I don't think either of us are really very happy. I think we have a somewhat co dependent relationship, where our room mate existence allows us to avoid making the changes we perhaps both need to make. She has an EA with an ex about 2 years ago, which was dealt with and not rugswept.

If/when my wife finds out about my relapse, I suspect she may call it a day on the marriage.

I do love her, and she does love me, but I have come to the realization that I dont think either of us are able/willing to do the work and make changes in order to save our marriage, as we have become too complacent.

We get on, have similar interests, run a business together, parent together (a conflict area) and rarely have sex.

We have some value differences, particularly around money - where I want a simple life, and she expects a upper middle class lifestyle. I am expected to provide that.

I am depressed, and was on meds, until she took me to task and told me it was a weakness, and she doesn't want to be with someone "dependant on pills". 

She has been away visiting her mother, and it has given me time to reflect.

Basically, I am pretty much a mess. My addicition issues are bubbling to the surface again - and the bubble popped. I am unhappy much of the time. A sense of joylessness. I struggle tremendously at work with focus, concentration and follow through. I tend to isolate if I can. 

I feel really ****ty about myself. I am consumed with guilt about the money I have gambled away. It could have been used so much more wisely. My "insanity" is scaring me. I have been to this place. Its dark, and filled with self hate.

I am thinking it may be the best for my family if I call it and file for divorce. We will take a lifestyle knock - and my daughters will move with their mom to her family, an 8 hour drive away.

I am worn down by my wifes passivity in building our marriage. She is an awful communicator, and very indecisive.

Would it be the right thing to leave the family to better myself? Will I be able to be a better father if my children are so far away? Will this serious shake up of my comfort zone perhaps enable me to make the changes in my personal life that are required to be all I can be?

What are your thoughts.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Why do you need to separate/divorce to work on yourself?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

I think staying with your children and using them as your inspiration to make real changes in your life is the way to go.

In my view you will doom yourself by leaving your children.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Sounds rather rash. Like running away from your problems. Have you had any individual counseling? Any marriage counseling? Trust me I know sometimes giving up seems like the best course of actions, but wherever you go, there you are. And so are your problems.

Just curious, if you met your wife tomorrow, would you marry her now?

Cheers,
V(13)


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks for the comments. Am I running away from my problems - perhaps but my marriage is really wearing me down. I dont blame my wife for my addictions resurfacing, but she is a hard woman, who tells me and makes me feel "not good enough" This flips my "fruck it" switch and then i become destructive. 

We have been in marriage counseling for a year. It is the only time she ever talks about our relationship. I am verbal, and need to communicate. She is very reluctant to takl. She shares very little, and the need to communicate for me grows. I have learnt now not to ask for conversation anymore, I seek it from friends instead.

Perhaps I am conflating my issues with my marriage issues. I have had IC, been to so called addiction specialists and spent years in na doing 12 step work. Im pretty self aware.

She is somewhat of a control freak I think. I had such a good time with my daughters while she was away. Unmediated by her - just me and them hanging and doing fun stuff. They talked about her, and how peaceful it was while she is away.

She returned today. We cleaned the house up, bought flowers, and when she came home she told me the house was not clean enough. No thanks, nothing - just more not good enough!

Voltaire, I always thought I married up. My wife is attractive and well liked. Since I read NMMG and spent time reading here, I realised how I was trying to please all the time - for fear of loosing her. Im not scared of that anymore. A year ago I would have said yes to your question. Today, I dont think I would.

I want a wife that respects me for who I am. I am not only an addict. I am many things to many people, and am admired by many. I have several 20 year old friendships that are strong and where I am valued. My staff like me, and stay for years. Im no deadbeat, but have some self destructive tendancies.

Im pretty confused I think.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

oddball said:


> I am depressed, and was on meds, until she took me to task and told me it was a weakness, and she doesn't want to be with someone "dependant on pills".


That was rather irresponsible of her.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Perhaps Lenzi. The real question is Why TF did I value her opinion on this so highly. NMMNG!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Go back on the meds.

She's not a doctor.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Only you can decide what's right for you. I'm just giving my input based on the info you provide, as an impartial outsider. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PBear said:


> Only you can decide what's right for you.


No, not really. In fact the person going through the crisis is often the least able to decide what's right for them. People make wrong decisions all the time. Hence the number of bad marriages for example.



PBear said:


> I'm just giving my input based on the info you provide, as an impartial outsider.


Aren't we all doing that here?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Can it be that you value her opinion/and follow her desires so highly because of your guilt? Stop running away from problems, she doesnt know about your debt due to gambling and that must be eating your brain and keep you anxious. Tell her, tell her... the worse is not going to be less whatever you do; except if you go and rob a bank, pay your debt... but anyways she will find out. 

That is separately from how you feel living with her, besides the addition you will have to deal with your relationship, she could leave, yes, but that is a consequence and there are a lot of us living consequences of our acts or our "tryings" to maintain the relationship due to guilt paying more than what we owed at the beginning. 

Wish you the best, please confront her about the reality ok?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Best thing for you is to cleanup your side of the street first. Work on yourself and maybe the marriage will get better. If not you will be a better person for the next relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

oddball said:


> I dont blame my wife for my addictions resurfacing, but she is a hard woman, who tells me and makes me feel "not good enough" This flips my "fruck it" switch and then i become destructive.


Oh puhleaze. Waa waa, everyone makes my life SO miserable.

Grow up. Get help. Make a choice.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You say that you are depressed. Go back to your psychiatrist and get back to medication if you need it. You can't tackle any problems in a depressed state. 

Get back to counseling and tell the truth about the resurgent addiction to your wife in the presence of your counselor. Tell the counselor what your wife said about taking the medication. A good counselor will tell your wife, not to play doctor especially if your wife does not have a medical degree.

You and your wife need to work together on your issues (including your wife's issues). Your partnership is important in your marriage. You say that you work well together in business. Your marriage is a business. "Make it work".


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I think I know the type of person you've married. You subconsciously do stupid things because you deeply resent her for the way she treats you. I have done this in my previous marriage.

Your addictions are yours, but the relapses might indeed be driven by your resentments. We can sit here and advice you to seek counseling for those resentments all we want, but if you're indeed married to the type of person I think you are, then counseling would be a waste, as the resentment will just keep coming back.

There's a defense mechanism employed by your brain in which you use your most 'hated' traits to gain an advantage against your resentments. Again, this is not an excuse for your addictions, but a real deterrent to any quitting efforts you may engage in.

My advice:

Divorce your wife. She's the source of a lot of negative feelings in you. As a recovering addict, you just cannot handle that.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks everyone

I have not told her. I will not tell her.

I have stopped the gambling. Each day I need to commit to not going back.

I am going to work on myself. She told me over the weekend she does not want to do much work on the marriage. 

Seems if I change all will be well according to her.

If I change my lifestyle and inner issues, I will be better off for it, with or without her.

I have done 12 steps, IC, personal growth courses, tried religion.

I will try a more conscious life now, choosing each action carefully.I will continue counseling.


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