# Wanted: Mothers' Perspective



## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm the proud father of a newborn baby. Wife and I have had 4 tumultuous years of marriage.

Recently, I've left a demanding job for a more flexible one to spend more time with wife and baby. I get home around 4:30 (work 6 days a week) and help out periodically until 11, when he sleeps. The only times I don't help are when he's feeding.

Clearly, rearing a child is no picnic for either side. What I would like to know is, mothers, in your infinite child-rearing suffering, do you think about the husband's perspective? If he comes home from a hard day's work, is it fair for you to give the baby to him to take care of by himself for the rest of the day? 

What's your husbands contribution to rearing the child? What's his attitude towards it? Does he feel or need appreciation? Do you show it? Affection? Sex? I get none of the above b/c she says she's suffering more than I am. I still try to hug her, rub her back and say nice things, but it's not as frequently anymore. It's hard to force yourself to be nice to someone who's just plain nasty to you 80-90% of the time.

Am I being selfish and expecting too much/not really helping out as much as I think?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you need to suck some of this up while you have a newborn. Newborns are terribly exhausting, mom's body is still healing from pregnancy and childbirth, and her sleep schedule is non existent.

It's a tough time for both of you, and if you can't suck it up and do your part for a little while then yes, you're being selfish. And your wife is not going to forget the lack of support. When you have a newborn and your hb of basically throwing a tantrum over sex that's a big turnoff and a huge breeding ground for resentment. 

If you're not having sex in a few months and there's no medical reason for it that's different and should be addressed.

That's my 2 cents as a mother of two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

IME this is the hardest time for couples and often they each go their own corner of the boxing ring. This is the time that they should work together as a team but often having kids has the opposite effect.

I'm not going to say she is right and you are wrong or the other way around. I will say that no she should not hand you the baby when you get home and leave you to caring for the baby on your own but it would be good if you can both work out a team effort way of dealing with the baby that takes the pressure of each of you as needed.

Child raising works best when it is done with the POV of equity not equality, by this I mean if she needs an hour down time when you get home then just do it, run her a bath or tell her to do something relaxing. Dealing with newborns is a major job but a few breaks in between can certainly help.

But at the same time you have a demanding job and no doubt are tired, stressed out yourself. If you are not getting a break then please find a non confrontational way of communicating this to her. Do it with love, not as an adversary. Can you tell her you are tired and stressed after a hard day at work, you understand she is too so will run her a bath so she can relax and then you will both care for the child/house hold stuff together after she has had a break.

Don't let resentment build up, this goes for both of you but you are the one here asking the question. 

I have done both, had a full on corporate job and then left to raise kids. The child raising was by far the more draining role. 

Good luck to you both, try and build a great team and things will get better over time.

Then they turn into teenagers and it is vital then that you are a team.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Explain more about being "nasty to you 80-90% of the time". I don't think someone who loves you should ever behave this way ALL the time.

Why is she having such a hard time, no sleep or just overwhelmed by the newness of it all? Could it be post partum depression? As a new mom, I remember occasionally feeling overwhelmed, but 80-90% of the time seems extreme.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Having a newborn is hard, for everybody. In the old days there were grandmas and aunts, and sisters to help out. Now we expect the two parents to take care of the newborn all the time. This leads to resentment.

Everybody needs a break. Mom and Dad. Sitters can be expensive but there are babysitting co-ops that are free. I also used an eleven year old to watch the baby two or three times a week while I napped in the house. Then if there was a problem she could just come and get me. The point is if the two of you are exhausted resentment is bound to creep in. Try to think outside the box for everybody to refuel. Pointing fingers at each other to see who is working harder won't solve the problem. Do not be afraid to ask people who love you to help.

Remember all children age, the baby stage doesn't last forever. One day this will just be a memory, figure out how to enjoy this special time so you can look back with fondness.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you need to suck some of this up while you have a newborn. Newborns are terribly exhausting, mom's body is still healing from pregnancy and childbirth, and her sleep schedule is non existent.
> 
> It's a tough time for both of you, and if you can't suck it up and do your part for a little while then yes, you're being selfish. And your wife is not going to forget the lack of support. When you have a newborn and your hb of basically throwing a tantrum over sex that's a big turnoff and a huge breeding ground for resentment.
> 
> ...


I haven't thrown a tantrum over sex. I hope that my post doesn't communicate that as the focus b/c it's not. And yea it's almost been a year and I've brought it up maybe 5 times. But I'm glad you mentioned it as I definitely want to avoid that breeding ground.

How did your husband help out? Did you feel like he did his part? What could he have done better and what did you find was extremely helpful? Everyone's short of temper in this situation...is it up to the guy to suck it up and take it?


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> IME this is the hardest time for couples and often they each go their own corner of the boxing ring. This is the time that they should work together as a team but often having kids has the opposite effect.
> 
> I'm not going to say she is right and you are wrong or the other way around. I will say that no she should not hand you the baby when you get home and leave you to caring for the baby on your own but it would be good if you can both work out a team effort way of dealing with the baby that takes the pressure of each of you as needed.
> 
> ...


Found this encouraging. Thanks for that. One of those easier said than done kind of things though


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

NWCooper said:


> Explain more about being "nasty to you 80-90% of the time". I don't think someone who loves you should ever behave this way ALL the time.
> 
> Why is she having such a hard time, no sleep or just overwhelmed by the newness of it all? Could it be post partum depression? As a new mom, I remember occasionally feeling overwhelmed, but 80-90% of the time seems extreme.


I've detailed a lot in my previous posts, but basically: raised by a "challenging" mom who treated her very poorly and was always criticizing. Today, she's very insecure and is extremely sensitive to anything that remotely sounds like criticism. And as you'd expect, she is like her mother: constantly criticizing, short of temper, always thinks I'm of ill-intent. She slams cabinets, doors, etc. when the smallest thing sets her off. Just now, w/o thinking I threw our newborn's dirty clothes (had a little poop on the inside) onto the bed and she got angry. She hates seeing my parents, had a falling out with my sister, and even scared my brother away, who's always trying to be helpful (he folded some papers we had him deliver and it pissed her off b/c they were official documents). Always comparing me to other husbands saying how much they do. Whenever I "mirror" her attitude in hopes that she'll get what she's being like (which I know is stupid), she gets extremely angry. So yea that's gist of it. I feel like there are all sorts of double standards and 0 affection and empathy on her part. That said, I do think things have improved over the last four years...but I'm just so fed up with everything...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

The newborn stage is extremely tough on a marriage, so try to take things one day at a time. After a while, you both will get more into a routine and get the hang of being a parent, finding out what works best for your family. Working and being a parent are both tough, with one not being 'harder' than the other. If you keep looking at it from that perspective, you'll just drive a big wedge in between you and your wife. Try to look for ways to compromise where you both like the result. Some way for her to get a break and for you to not have full time dad duty. 

I found babywearing to be so helpful in keeping my son happy and keeping my sanity. I also realized my son was sensitive to certain foods I ate in regards to breastfeeding, so I had to change my diet a little. We found having our son next to the bed, in the same room but not directly in our bed, allowed us to get the most sleep. We also found a sounds machine that helped calm him quickly and helped him sleep longer. There were a number of other 'tips' we found out over time, but those were just some of the more main ones as we got into the groove of parenting. 

My husband really isn't a good example of what to do, as he did not help much when our son was a newborn, but he has gotten better over time. Parenting is really team work. It's tough and there are times when you just need to suck it up for a bit, but it will get better. Enjoy your new baby.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jnyu44 said:


> I haven't thrown a tantrum over sex. I hope that my post doesn't communicate that as the focus b/c it's not. And yea it's almost been a year and I've brought it up maybe 5 times. But I'm glad you mentioned it as I definitely want to avoid that breeding ground.
> 
> How did your husband help out? Did you feel like he did his part? What could he have done better and what did you find was extremely helpful? Everyone's short of temper in this situation...is it up to the guy to suck it up and take it?


So to clarify, you have a newborn or a one year old? You last had sex a year ago or has it been sporadic? When you bring it up what does she say? Are you guys able to spend time together? 

Maybe she's not happy as a sahm? A lot of women have it pounded info their heads that they shouldn't "let someone else raise their kids" but many aren't happy staying at home. 

As for my ex, my boys father, well he's my ex. For many reasons, but I will say that he didn't lift a finger because, in his words, kids are a woman's job. Whatever, the boys are older now and much closer to me. His loss.

But it would've been nice for him to take care of things like bathtime, change some diapers, sit with them so I could go out sometimes, things like that. 

New mothers can be hormonal and moody, but it sounds like this attitude predates the baby?

Sex is very often a function of the relationship and it sounds like yours isn't that great. Do you feel like she loves you? Does she have a sex drive in general?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

FlowerChild said:


> I just finished reading all your thread's. Just wanted to say that in advance in case anyone gets confused as to what I end up saying.
> 
> But wow. You have a really difficult wife on your hands. You did not and still do not sound happy at all. I want you to think, really think about this: Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you really want to continue living in an un-happy, and un-healthy marriage?
> You are in an abusive relationship. Yes, your wife has learnt this behavior from her mother, but she is an adult now. It's time that she take responsibility for her actions. It's time that she make a change. Many children have seen behaviors portrayed by their mother/father, but they make the decision NOT to be like their mother/father.
> ...


Wow. Really appreciate you taking the time to go through my story in answering the question. Can't tell you how valuable it is to get an informed perspective like this and I'm very thankful for that.

I agree with you on many points. I gained perspective in the last few months and realized that this wasn't normal and that I do deserve to be happy. My hope is the happiness can be found at the end of a multi-year struggle with her in which I've done my best to bring out the best in her and our relationship. I haven't been a fantastic husband or leader and I feel like our vows deserve at least one strong, legitimate shot at making it work. The last few years have just been treading water and sucking it up.

I don't want to model this sort of relationship for my son and I do want to be happy. I know what I need to do if all else fails. 

Thanks very much again for going through my previous posts. Felt like we're actually having a legit conversation where you've known me for a while. Gives me the courage and conviction to do what I might need to do.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> So to clarify, you have a newborn or a one year old? You last had sex a year ago or has it been sporadic? When you bring it up what does she say? Are you guys able to spend time together?
> 
> Maybe she's not happy as a sahm? A lot of women have it pounded info their heads that they shouldn't "let someone else raise their kids" but many aren't happy staying at home.
> 
> ...


Newborn. Yep, nothing since the day he was conceived. Yes, we can nail it down to a specific day  I've been ok with it for the last year as making her comfy and getting rdy for the baby had been our focus. Hadn't thought about it before, but I'd be surprised if we've done it over 20 times over the last four years. We were great before she came to the US. Def'n a function of our relationship which is not great.

When I bring it up, she gets annoyed. Push further, she gets angry. Lately, at least she does say she feels sorry for me but the newborn is demanding. Extra time for sleep, researching our son's education, looking for a nanny, etc., that's all more important. Before the newborn, I was a grad student/workaholic who was home for about an hour a day. Probably had about 5-10 hours for her on the weekends. So, clearly I was at fault as much as she was for our lack of intimacy. 

She sort of loves me. She hates that I didn't prioritize her before and is intent on not letting me forget that. Now I do prioritize them both. Like I said earlier, I'm home by 4:30 and helping until 11:00pm. I have a huge exam coming up which was important for me before (like priority #1), but I spend time with them over studying. 

What really drives me nuts is now she says I'm only doing these things because she told me to and not because I sincerely want to. Frustrating b/c I'm not the kind of guy who says all the right things but I've shown change through my actions gdmit. She hints I should be more like her friend's husband who says all the right things (nevermind he's not home to help on the weekdays b/c he works long hours).

Anyway, good for you on your relationship with the kids. They truly are amazing and it's really hit me what a privilege it is to be a parent.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm the 'baby' in my family. I think I'm a bit spoilt, selfish and stubborn. DH has his faults too of course, but in regards to dealing with me when I was younger and a little less self-aware, and coping with a new baby, he ended up getting pretty aggro in order to get my attention. I admit I was neglecting him, shoving him to the periphery of my thoughts. He was affectionate but started withdrawing, completely. This shook me up and we started arguing about it. 

Me: "I need to feel loved to want sex"
Him: "I need sex to feel loved"

Me: "Give me what I want and I'll give you what you want"
Him: "It doesn't work like that with you, you'll always have an excuse not to live up to your end of the deal, so I've just made myself frustrated for no reason" (he felt that physical contact made lack of sex more frustrating for him)

And around it went for a while. I read some books. Tried to gain some perspective. Eventually came to the conclusion that in order to have my needs met, I had to meet his first. Sort of seemed fair enough since I'd been the first to stop meeting needs to start with. I think the 'fairness' factor was what was initially making me stubborn about it (didn't feel it was fair that I had to meet his needs first in order to have mine met) until I adjusted to a more balanced perspective, then I realised I wasn't being fair at all. It had become all about me.

Anyway, this isn't answering all your questions or telling you how to fix your marriage, but education on relationships can be a huge help. I'd start reading up if I were you. If she won't read them, then discuss what you're reading with her whenever possible. I did that when things were getting pretty stressful and some of the conversations DH and I had when I'd talk about were very helpful.


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