# Wife can't orgasm when husband present



## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

We have been married 42 years and my wife has never had an orgasm when I am present. She can sometimes do it by herself, but not if I am close by. I have tried oral, vibrators, candle lite bedroom, hours of foreplay, following her directions as to where, how,& when, hotel vacations with romantic dinners and flower pedals on the bed, different positions suggested by educational DVD, etc.
Nothing has worked.
She is on several medications for bipolar, ADD, and mood stabilizers.
The only thing we haven't tried is replacing me with another man who excites her!
Are there any other suggestions?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

After 42 years? Sorry, but I think if it hasn't happen yet, it likely won't. Especially if she's been giving you directions.

There are instructional videos out there and perhaps they can offer up something to try that you haven't done before, but I'd assume after 42 years and with her input, outside of coming off the meds (which i don't recommend) there's little else left.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Have you two seen a therapist about this?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Is this something she wants to do? Does it bother her?
Or is this something you want her to do? Is it bothering only you?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Was she raped as a child?


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

We have seen therapist separately, and together, but never dealt with this issue directly as this is a relatively new revelation..


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Is this something she wants to do? Does it bother her?
> Or is this something you want her to do? Is it bothering only you?


We both want to fix this problem, but it is now turning into a major issue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What kind of therapist? And what have they come up with? Have you tried a sex therapist?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

badbane said:


> Was she raped as a child?


She doesn't think anything like that happen, but can't remember.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can tell you that I stopped taking ADD medication for this reason. I'm male. No idea if it has the same impact on orgasmic response for women.

But ... I'm also presuming she hasn't been on ADD and mood stabilizing meds for the last 42 years.

Does she still enjoy being intimate?


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

Yes, she does still want sex and enjoys it, but is increasingly feeling left out. However, I have now developed "performance anxiety" and have ED issues when ever we try.


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Is this something she wants to do? Does it bother her?
> Or is this something you want her to do? Is it bothering only you?


It has become a major issue. She only told me a 1 or 2 years ago, and now I have "performance anxiety" when ever we have sex.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

oldman said:


> She doesn't think anything like that happen, but can't remember.


*SHE DOESN'T KNOW?* My strong, strong suspicion is that there was some kind of serious childhood trauma. This is likely the cause.

*

In addition, most women who have poor relationships with their father in general have difficulty achieving vaginal orgasm. This is because they were never able to truly let go with a man so they can't "give into" (even if they consciously want to) the feelings.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

oldman said:


> It has become a major issue. She only told me a 1 or 2 years ago, and now I have "performance anxiety" when ever we have sex.


When you two have sex, is the goal to have an orgasm or to enjoy each other and bond? If it's to orgasm, she probably feels pressured and that stops her from achieving orgasms during partnered sex (seeing as she can have one on her own). And now you're having performance anxiety over it, it's only going to add to the pressure and the odds are probably even more slim that she'll achieve one with you. R.E.L.A.X! 

I would say maybe try a sex therapist together and maybe therapy for her alone. But I can tell you, without a doubt, stressing over it and becoming anxious over it isn't going to help either of you.


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> When you two have sex, is the goal to have an orgasm or to enjoy each other and bond? If it's to orgasm, she probably feels pressured and that stops her from achieving orgasms during partnered sex (seeing as she can have one on her own). And now you're having performance anxiety over it, it's only going to add to the pressure and the odds are probably even more slim that she'll achieve one with you. R.E.L.A.X!
> 
> I would say maybe try a sex therapist together and maybe therapy for her alone. But I can tell you, without a doubt, stressing over it and becoming anxious over it isn't going to help either of you.


I would say that I feel I MUST think of something new and PERFORM. She feels she is getting older and wants it badly.

As to your thought on her "being pressured", I believe I'm the one being pressure, at least equally, as I have to overcome the ED issue for the act to reach completion! As for your second thought that I may now be creating undue "pressure" for her, what could have caused the problem for the first 40 years when I was unaware of the issue and therefore NOT creating this pressure.

As you can see in this thread, I'm very confused about this complex issue. There are several facts that should complement each other in discovering the root cause. Any one issue, by it self, may be inseparable from the others.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

oldman said:


> I would say that I feel I MUST think of something new and PERFORM. She feels she is getting older and wants it badly.
> 
> As to your thought on her "being pressured", I believe I'm the one being pressure, at least equally, as* I have to overcome the ED issue for the act to reach completion! As for your second thought that I may now be creating undue "pressure" for her, what could have caused the problem for the first 40 years when I was unaware of the issue and therefore NOT creating this pressure.*
> As you can see in this thread, I'm very confused about this complex issue. There are several facts that should complement each other in discovering the root cause. Any one issue, by it self, may be inseparable from the others.


Reading the bolded, why do you need to overcome your ED for her to get an orgasm, unless the goal is only a vaginal intercourse orgasm? Are you trying other methods, such as oral, or is it only straight vaginal intercourse? Because vaginal intercourse is (based on my understanding) more difficult to achieve for many women if only the penis is being used for stimulation. 

Try oral sex, and see what happens. If you as a couple haven't done this much, it'll likely take several tries to get comfortable with it but once you and her do, that orgasm might come.


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

As I noted in my intro, I have tried clitoral stimulation (both oral & fingers), vibrators, candle lit bedroom, hours of foreplay, following her directions as to where, how,& when, hotel vacations with romantic dinners and flower pedals on the bed, different positions suggested by educational DVD, etc. for many of our 42 years together. None of this has worked. I need to overcome my "performance anxiety" to keep my libido up to keep trying also.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

oldman said:


> As I noted in my intro, I have tried clitoral stimulation (both oral & fingers), vibrators, candle lit bedroom, hours of foreplay, following her directions as to where, how,& when, hotel vacations with romantic dinners and flower pedals on the bed, different positions suggested by educational DVD, etc. for many of our 42 years together. None of this has worked. I need to overcome my "performance anxiety" to keep my libido up to keep trying also.


Have the two of you tried a sex therapist? The more you post, the more I think it sounds like she's got some sort of mental block/sexual hang up about having an orgasm in front of you/with you. I think you'd both benefit from a therapist specialized in sex related matters.

I know it's probably very frustrating, but I think you both need to calm down and ease up on yourselves a bit. People take their partners orgasms (lack thereof) personally, and they shouldn't. How are things in general with your relationship? And how is your sex life (minus her not orgasming)?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I wholeheartedly agree that both of you need to take two steps back and go see sex therapist, rather than continue the cycle of anxiety.

Is she turned on by the sexual things that you do to her but just can't let go and orgasm? Or is she not turned on at all by the foreplay (even if she has a good libido overall)? Is she attracted to you or does she love you for other reasons? (not everyone marries someone they're attracted to -- they may find other qualities more important in a partner they choose -- though this is rarely acknowledged and sometimes is the silent killer of couple's sex lives). 

Another question to ponder is: who is the more confident/ dominant/ assertive party in the relationship (outside the bedroom)? It might be that it's not WHAT you do, but rather HOW you do it that is thwarting her orgasm. Is it possible that she has some fantasy/ sexual "style" that she's not revealing that she needs played out in order to "tip her over the edge". Given that she faked her orgasms to you for the past 40-some-odd years, I imagine there's a lot more she's still not feeling comfortable sharing about what's been going on inside her head and with her body?

Oh, and was she faking all this time? Or were you just being clueless/ lying to yourself that things were alright even without evidence of climax on her part? If it's the latter, she's probably got a ton of resentment to work out as well because she would've wanted you to notice and to care.


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Have the two of you tried a sex therapist? The more you post, the more I think it sounds like she's got some sort of mental block/sexual hang up about having an orgasm in front of you/with you. I think you'd both benefit from a therapist specialized in sex related matters.
> 
> I know it's probably very frustrating, but I think you both need to calm down and ease up on yourselves a bit. People take their partners orgasms (lack thereof) personally, and they shouldn't. How are things in general with your relationship? And how is your sex life (minus her not orgasming)?


No, we have not seen a sex therapist yet, but we are considering it. This has been a HOT topic for us lately, but we have agreed to the advice to calm down and relax. We'll see what happens!


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

MsLady said:


> I wholeheartedly agree that both of you need to take two steps back and go see sex therapist, rather than continue the cycle of anxiety.
> 
> Is she turned on by the sexual things that you do to her but just can't let go and orgasm? Or is she not turned on at all by the foreplay (even if she has a good libido overall)? Is she attracted to you or does she love you for other reasons? (not everyone marries someone they're attracted to -- they may find other qualities more important in a partner they choose -- though this is rarely acknowledged and sometimes is the silent killer of couple's sex lives).
> 
> ...


I believe that she is turned on by the sexual things that I do to her and that she is also attracted to me.
As to the more confident/ dominant/ assertive party in the relationship (outside the bedroom), I would say that she is. I was aware that she was faking it sometimes, but not aware of always and from the very beginning. Sexual issues were such a hot topic, we generally could not discuss them at all.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Does she masturbate when your intimate?

I find it really sexy to be be held/cuddled while I bring myself to O.
We lie spooning and he will caress me.. no pressure on him at all.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

oldman said:


> No, we have not seen a sex therapist yet, but we are considering it. This has been a HOT topic for us lately, but we have agreed to the advice to calm down and relax. We'll see what happens!


Well I hope everything works out for you two. Sounds like you are now on the path of better communications and that's a great thing! Try sex therapy and maybe go to the book store and get some self help books in the mean time. 

I wish you both the best


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## oldman (Jul 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Well I hope everything works out for you two. Sounds like you are now on the path of better communications and that's a great thing! Try sex therapy and maybe go to the book store and get some self help books in the mean time.
> 
> I wish you both the best


Thank you for your interest, time spent, and your helpful suggestions. They are all appreciated!


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