# one-sided emotional affair



## emuna

Ok, I'm not sure where to start with this or how to explain, but I'm new here and need some advice into my situation.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids. In August of this year, we entered into marriage counseling because of constant fighting and arguing going on, poor communication, etc.
So far, it's been going well.we are both happier with one another , of course it's not perfect but we're communicating better, things in our relationship are overall improved, including sexual. Anyways, here are my issues. Now, he has this female friend he's known for 6 years and has been in touch with on and off during this time. 

He met her when he worked at the local casino. She was another employee. I have met her in person twice the whole time he's known her. He texts her and talks to her maybe a couple times a month (non sexual things) but they're long convos... a few days ago, it was a phone call that lasted AN HOUR. He called her when he was working. I've never quite felt ok with this relationship. But he swears up and down, sideways and backwards - THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS -NOTHING MORE! He does not want this woman even if we divorced, there is no dating potential.

He's never given me a reason to ever think they had a physical affair nor have they actually hung out together frequently. I'm pretty sure it's just emotional on HIS side. One sided. I spoke to her a couple of months ago and told her how I felt - she said it's silly about me thinking she is sleeping with him or has any romantic feelings since that's NOT happening. Ok I believe her. I bugged my husband's phone and recorded conversations to make absolutely sure they are telling the truth. Of course it is true with her, she doesn't seem to want him at all. BUT, here is my issue: I think my husband is the one that is developing feelings for her. All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend) He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. issed: She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant.

What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt.

They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.

I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose.


----------



## Satya

Read the late Dr. Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends."
I suggest you ask your husband to read it as well.

He's at the top of what is a very steep and slippery slope.


----------



## 225985

@emuna I am so sorry you had to come here. I unfortunately have experience in this topic, from the other side. 

I agree with you that your H is having an emotional affair. He probably won't admit to "affair" because he is not sleeping with her. As the other poster said, Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it this weekend. Ask him to read it. It is the #1 book that can help you. 

Their relationship is inappropriate. But you know that.

I want you to also google "limerence" or go to limerence.net - Home. Because of the emotions involves, and the dopamine induced feelings, a one-sided EA can be very difficult to break free from. 

At this point, ignore his words. He will lie, or give you half truths. He may be in denial himself. Judge only by his actions. He must go No Contact with this former coworker.


----------



## Mr. Nail

I clicked on this, because I've also been guilty of this. I was finally able to break my attraction to the other woman, but only after I admitted all of the depth of my feelings, and the level of betrayal to my wife that I was guilty of. The thing that worries me most in your post is where he calls her up to discuss the problems he has in his relationship. Until I was able to stop that and we both worked separately at solving our own committed relationships, there was some hope that we could find a way to be together (at least in my mind, I never told the Affair Partner my feelings toward her). 

While it is good that he is being open with you about his contact with her, he needs to be shaken out of the fog. He needs to stop comparing you to her. He needs to work with you on solving the problems at home, and stop dreaming. Perhaps the book will do it. I haven't read it. Yes it is a dangerous position, but it doesn't have to be the end.


----------



## emuna

Thank you, I got the book "Not Just Friends" from Barnes and Noble.


----------



## emuna

Should I send her a text explaining about the suspicions?


----------



## Mr. Nail

she knows what he is writing to her. if you can get her on your side she can shut him down quickly. you need to be sure she is on your side.


----------



## EunuchMonk

emuna said:


> Should I send her a text explaining about the suspicions?


You're not going to tell her about the bugged phone? I think that is a wrong move. Keep it secret for now.

@Mr. Nail Asking her is how she will be sure. If she denies that he likes her or that she has been feeling that vibe then maybe she isn't game. If she says, "Yeah, your H has been getting weird on me." Then you can coordinate with her.


----------



## Relationship Teacher

emuna said:


> All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend)


Stop right there. That is a huge violation of marital boundaries. Whether or not an affair happens matters less than "intent". This is a conversational tool used to build connection by beating down others.

There needs to be a serious apology and immediate cessation to this... period.



> He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. issed: She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant.
> 
> What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt.


He is overblowing what he is saying. That said, he is still participating in that behavior.



> They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.


If you didn't two days ago, you do now.




> I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose.


Possibly being overly nice to keep you from being suspicious.

He needs a reality check. Expose it all to him. Ask him to stop the behavior. Tell him you won't check on him. Then tell him you are taking time to yourself. He will make excuses. He will beg and plead. Wait until his desperation perfume wears off. He is being phony to her and you and you can't get forward momentum until the charade is over.

At the same time, do lend your hand to him if you see a possible future. You are just informing him that you will gladly love and receive his love as long as he honors standard marital boundaries. Let him choose his destiny 100%, and you make the weight of his decision that much heavier on his end.

Best,
RT


----------



## emuna

I explained to him what I was feeling and refuses to give up the "friendship" and his little girlfriend refuses also, saying to him that it's nuts I can even try to control who he is friends with. I'm at a loss.


----------



## SunCMars

I have a strong sense of self....EGO. Hearing these words spoken to the EA partner would crush me.

It would crush me for about 5 minutes.

Then is would inflate me to 666 times my size.

Then I would calmly get my swans in order, talk to my attorney, get another place to live.

And then I would calmly hit the wayward spouse with the Divorce papers.

Most here would agree with most of what I said, except the moving out part. That will be your' choice. Me? My temper would get me a one-way ticket to Trouble City


----------



## KillerClown

emuna said:


> I explained to him what I was feeling and refuses to give up the "friendship" and his little girlfriend refuses also, saying to him that it's nuts I can even try to control who he is friends with. I'm at a loss.


They are calling your bluff. They have no respect for your feelings. If you fold now the relationship will move to the next phase, PA. I realize that you feel you have a lot to lose if you leave him. Unfortunately, leaving him is the only way you will get him back, if that was ever in the card for you.

Your husband is not in denial about his intentions. He is operating with the intent of getting into her pants. The OW may not be ready to unbuckle her belt just yet but is flattered by the attention. The only way you can shut this down right now is by showing him the divorce papers and actually filing. You can always rescind it if he come crawling back on his hand and knees but now is the time to put him in his place.

Be strong. Take control. Your life depends on it.


----------



## jb02157

I'm not so sure how one-sided this is. She can say anything she wants to you to try to get you to think nothing's going on, but I think there is. Keep on monitoring them. You might want to consider a PI or use a VAR to get some answers.


----------



## Blondilocks

Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker. 

Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.


----------



## emuna

By the way, I'm using Hoverwatch to monitor his phone activity. I recommend it for anyone here


----------



## emuna

Blondilocks said:


> Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker.
> 
> Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.


Not sure how to go about contacting her boyfriend.


----------



## jimrich

emuna said:


> Ok, I'm not sure where to start with this or how to explain, but I'm new here and need some advice into my situation.
> My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids. I think that making a happy home for one's kids has to be a top priority.
> In August of this year, we entered into marriage counseling because of constant fighting and arguing going on, poor communication, etc.
> So far, it's been going well.we are both happier with one another , of course it's not perfect but we're communicating better, things in our relationship are overall improved, including sexual. And I hope better for your kids as well.
> Anyways, here are my issues. Now, he has this female friend he's known for 6 years and has been in touch with on and off during this time.
> 
> He met her when he worked at the local casino. She was another employee. I have met her in person twice the whole time he's known her. He texts her and talks to her maybe a couple times a month (non sexual things) but they're long convos... a few days ago, it was a phone call that lasted AN HOUR. He called her when he was working. I've never quite felt ok with this relationship. Has your counselor ever talked with you about your own insecurities and jealousies? But he swears up and down, sideways and backwards - THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS -NOTHING MORE! He does not want this woman even if we divorced, there is no dating potential.
> 
> He's never given me a reason to ever think they had a physical affair nor have they actually hung out together frequently. I'm pretty sure it's just emotional on HIS side. One sided. I spoke to her a couple of months ago and told her how I felt Did you feel insecure and jealous? - she said it's silly about me thinking she is sleeping with him or has any romantic feelings since that's NOT happening. Ok I believe her. I bugged my husband's phone and recorded conversations to make absolutely sure they are telling the truth. OMG, now that seems quite paranoid and insecure to me! Looks like counseling really didn't help you all that much! Of course it is true with her, she doesn't seem to want him at all. BUT, here is my issue: I think my husband is the one that is developing feelings for her. All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend) He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. issed: She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant. It's time for a lot more counseling here!
> 
> What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt. Looks like any more counseling is not going to help here!
> 
> They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.
> 
> I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose. IMO, your kids have the most to "lose" and are most likely being damaged more than the parents by this ugly situation so do whatever it takes to spare your kids from any further damage here.


----------



## arbitrator

* It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that all that it really requires is only one pair of itchy drawers being unceremoniously dropped to the floor in order to effectively go from EA to PA status!

And with rare exception, the betrayed spouse usually has little to no knowledge of when it actually occurs!

I believe that he is the man who, in essence, became your husband who, who at the same time had faithfully pledged his total fidelity to you! 

So when in the hell is he going to start acting like it?*


----------



## tigerlily99

I think it's so important to be strong in this. Don't waffle. Don't believe that it's not a big deal when your gut is telling you otherwise. (And now your monitoring program too) 

I was the one in your H's shoes 3-1/2 years ago. I hadn't realized that my feelings shifted toward OM partly because my H seemed like he didn't care.
The truth was he was just trying not to act jealous.

You have every right to not be ok with this relationship.
And like @blueinbr said it's like a drug. Be ready to face some anger, excuses and justification but once the withdrawal is complete your H will see the truth. (Affair fog has to clear)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There IS still hope. Don't give any more room to this relationship though. Don't get talked down. 
Your gut knows the truth.


----------



## emuna

thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.


----------



## Andy1001

emuna said:


> thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.


When I seen your comment on the other thread I had feared the worst for you,I thought he had gone physical with the other woman.I am happy you seem to be working on your marriage and I wish you the best of luck.Do not get too lackadaisical about this woman though,she may try again and this time will be wiser about how she contacts your husband.


----------



## nursejackie

Good luck- this can work out and your marriage can become stronger.
My H began texting a coworker a few years ago. I noticed an increase in his texts to her(nothing overtly inappropriate)- with little happy faces and sad faces etc- at the same time he drastically decreased his texting to me. Often he wouldnt respond at all- not even when I told him I had booked an all inclusive vacation for us! On the other hand he apologized to her if he didnt text her back right away...

He said there was nothing going on. He started giving her little gifts of appreciation- nothing special- my old magazines, fruit from our garden, something little from his vacation...I told him she would get the wrong idea - he said I was silly and jealous.

He went to her house several times to help her with "Manly jobs" even though she had a boyfriend- he lied about going then said he did it because her boyfriend was like a child and coudnt do anything...

I told him I wanted the gifts to stop, the texting and calls to stop, the favours to stop. We went to MC where he was told he had to stop lying to me. Trust had been broken. He needed to build it up. I worked my ass off to make sure I was meeting his needs- .....and he deleted her texts, deleted her call log, used different phones to call her..all the while insisting he hasnt done a thing wrong because he hasnt touched her. He also had our DD work with her in the summer. She sent pics of herself with her tongue on our xmas ornament, told DD that they were looking at buying a house to get away from their significant others...We found a new MC. She was a no holds barred type and told him flat out it was an EA and it was hurtful to me whether or not they had done anything physical.

2 years later...sometimes he gets it...our marriage and connection to each other is in many ways better than it has ever been. He is more kind, considerate, present, - we golf, garden do projects together....its almost perfect now....
except 2 months ago he forgot to hang up his phone when he was talking to me and I could hear him use a different phone than his cell phone to call her and warn her that the boss was looking for her and he didnt want her to get in trouble....
Then he lied about calling her, lied about using a different phone, lied about saying he didnt want her to get in trouble.

So I guess I am saying that this kind of "friendship" is very difficult to break up. Even when the marriage seems to have improved, the sex is great, you are in MC... It is a long road. They really dont think they have crossed any boundaries if they havent had sex with them. I actually believe he hasnt.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Blondilocks said:


> Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker.
> 
> Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.


Also, if you believe that a spouse's friend needs to be a friend of the marriage, you may want to call her and insist that you two are friends as well. Let her contemplate what a package deal your husband comes with.

Admittedly, I didn't do it with my first husband but I wish I had. I used to be a nice person.:x


----------



## Cooper

emuna said:


> thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.


OK, let's hope he truly has shut down communication. Just understand there are other ways to keep the communication lines open. My ex showed me where she deleted a guy from her contacts, swore she would stop all communication, turned out he got a burner phone and she entered his new number under a woman's name in her contacts. Work is also an easy place for communication, you have no way of monitoring that.


----------



## emuna

Unfortunately, I spoke too soon. Last night he was texting her and calling her from 7:30 to 9 . 
This isn't over.


----------



## Andy1001

emuna said:


> Unfortunately, I spoke too soon. Last night he was texting her and calling her from 7:30 to 9 .
> This isn't over.


He was probably in contact with her all along but now feels enough time has elapsed to pacify you so he is back openly contacting her.If you gave him an ultimatum in November then it is time to act on it,ask him to leave and tell him you will be seeing a lawyer this week.If you didn't give him an ultimatum then now is the time to tell him to either stop contacting her or else leave.It is very important that you carry out your threats because otherwise he will walk over you.The disrespect he is showing you,his wife and mother of his children is enormous and in your shoes I would have acted at the start of this affair and that's what it is,an affair.


----------



## emuna

He was going to meet up with her for pizza, tells me it was a last minute thing they decided as she was leaving her boyfriend's moms house, but he says he never got around to meet up with her. So, that's that.


----------



## Blondilocks

So, you're ok with your husband going on a date with her? Was he intending to invite you to go for pizza, too?


----------



## emuna

Blondilocks said:


> So, you're ok with your husband going on a date with her? Was he intending to invite you to go for pizza, too?



I honestly do not know if he was intending on inviting me, as he said it "was a last minute thing". And I was at home, 20 or so miles away. I'm so lost about all of this.


----------



## Andy1001

emuna said:


> I honestly do not know if he was intending on inviting me, as he said it "was a last minute thing". And I was at home, 20 or so miles away. I'm so lost about all of this.


Ok now it's time to **** or get off the pot.You have to decide how you want him to treat you because up to now you have been letting him get away with murder.Ask him straight out are you both allowed to go on dates with other people because this meeting for pizza was a date.The fact that he says he never met up with her is bs,how will you ever know for sure.If there is one thing I have learned in my life it's that a woman can always get a man if she wants one for a one night stand while no matter how good looking a guy is he may strike out regularly.Put it to him that from now on every time he contacts her you will be on tinder the same day and if he meets her then you will meet someone the next night and he can babysit.
AND DO IT!!!


----------



## UnicornCupcake

Oh, hell no.
At first, I thought he was going to be "guilty" of complaining/venting about you to someone else. That's not OK in theory, but it's something I could deal with. We all need someone to confide in. I get it. Then I thought it was going to be about him wanting her and her not reciprocating. I don't know why this dynamic bothers me more than if she were reciprocating. Maybe it's because he looks like a total loser? Like he couldn't cheat even if he wanted to because he ain't all that. Something very pathetic about their relationship. I mean, this girl isn't into you and you're into her... Get a life.
THe things he said about you,t hough... NO. Just no. No one deserves to be the one setteled for. THe one tolerated because they got pregnant.
I'd get the hell out of there. 
I'd take my time, get my ducks in a row, but my pride would not allow me to stay. NO way in hell could i raise a child under the premise I wasn't wanted byu my husband. THat he just stuck with me because I got pregnant. NO. Love yourself more than that. It's not even about him anymore. It's all about you.


----------



## emuna

thanks all.


----------



## SunCMars

emuna said:


> thanks all.


Dear Enuma!

The gang at TAM have Enuma-rated all the reasons for you [not to] put up with his deceit, his [drivel spit] B.S., Gaslighting and..........."Honey I only love You", smoke.

He wants two women in his life. You to manage the household duties and the OW to manage his ego stroking, his shaft maintenance management docket. Docket it to her.


----------



## emuna

thanks @SunCMars


----------

