# What is mental considered mental abuse.



## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for several years 15 to be exact, and for past 15 years I have been told by her that I mental abuse her. So I am trying to understand what is considered mental abuse because I think I am the victim here.
She consider following things as mental abuse.
For example
1. She has to tell me several times before I do something such as cleaning after myself when working around the house. (it is true that I don’t pick up stuff )
2.	She tells me that I don’t listen or do things her way. (it is true I would say I don’t listen to her all the time but you will see down the post what I do listen)
3. She tells me that I am immature and act immature.
4.	She tells me that my hobbies are very expensive it cost lots of money. (it might be somewhat true, but earn I enough money to spend of my and her hobbies)
Now please let me give you examples what I consider mental abuse that happened to me all the time.
1.	I have been told not drink pop as its bad for my health. I am not even allowed to drink one pop daily. If do she said she will stop brining pop at home. 
2.	I have been told to take lunch from home to work, I can only buy lunch from outside two times a week, and otherwise she will take credit card from me. Oh by the way I only get $25 cash to spend per week.
3.	We agreed to get a pet dog, he stayed in outside in backyard. It was my dog, I took care for him. But since that dog came in to our household. I was constantly getting told to get rid of him, and one day I was told she have put a sign on craigslist to have this dog adopted, two days later my dog was adopted out. Why she did that because during winter I didn’t removed his poop from our backyard. (This incident is the turning point in my life. I don’t think I can take this any more)
4.	I like to hunt, guns and hunting license cost money. I have been told to give up all this because its waste of money and when I go hunting I always come back empty. Oh one thing I should clear here that I only allowed to go for hunting one day in whole year that is after begging for several weeks.
5.	I am the main bread winner of the house she was a stay home mom, by her choice. About two years I ago I suggested to her that she should goto school this will help her get out lose some of the stress she has. She applied for the grant and was rejected because I make too much money. So she told me that’s it my fault that she could get a grant, why do I have to make so much money (I am not kidding she told me that). I had told her from the beginning that we can easily afford her education so I am going to pay 30k for her education. During her education period I did most of her chores like picking and dropping of my son at school. Brining my son from school for lunch. I took extra favors from my work to do all this. 
6.	My hobbies are hunting, and having pets, which she considered expensive. And she never helped me on those for example she never took the dog for walk. When I was away for week on a business trip. I ended up putting a dog in to kennel.
7.	Her hobbies are gardening, so for past two years I have been mowing he lawn, watering her plants, because she was busy studying.
8.	Once more thing I used to smoke cigarettes I was told give that up so I did. And she tells me if she ever catches me smoking she will divorce me.
9.	Before I met my wife I went to strip clubs (after our engagement which was like couple of months after our first date) I told her about strip clubs, that I went there before meeting her. I was like 22yrs when I met her. Till this day I have been getting yelled at for it. If we are watching a movie or program, and there is clip about strippers I get interrogated by her again that how many time I went to strip clubs. So I have stopped watching rated R movies. If I do watch it, I screen the movie before even putting it on by reading the ratings at screenit. 
10.	She hates action movies, so every time we go to watch a movie in theater or home it has be chick flick or family comedy. She tells me if I want to watch action movie in theater I have to go by myself of friends. I don’t have many friends here, plus all of them are married, they come to movies with their wife and I feel very awkward. So I don’t goto watch action movies now in theater.

I do understand that I am not perfect but the amount of stuff that I do make up for my short comings should be enough. For example.
1.	Since now she works from home. I clean/vacuum the house every time her client comes home.
2.	I take my son to all the games and other activities he wants to do. Because she is busy.
3.	I cook food for everyone at least twice a week. 
4.	Every time she ask me if I can reschedule my work hours so she can be with a client I do that.
5.	Every time we go on a family vacation, I end up taking care of my son, so she can go shopping, because when we are on vacation that’s her time off. As if I don’t deserve a time off, after working more 40hrs/week for months.
I am not at the point that I can’t take it anymore. I have never cheated on her, she is the only person that I have ever slept with. Now I want to just be free sleep with whoever I want and do whatever I want. So should I divorce her or cheat ? . I have read some places when you have an affair you forget the things at home and have some relief from the stress full life.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think you have allowed yourself to become the victim of abuse from your wife, probably with the best of intentions.

First priority: Get thyself into therapy - individual counseling. You probably can't see it now, but you would really benefit from a therapist working through the topic of why you would allow yourself to be treated this way.

The therapist will get you in a place where you can decide next steps.

Which should include a lot of distance between you and your wife, but that's just me...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

So you want your wife to treat you like an overbearing mother, telling you what you can and can't do, and how to live your life while putting you down all the time? 

Stand up for yourself. 

Either you both try and repair the marriage, or get a divorce and move on from this cancer of a relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

IMHO... Neither of you is being "abused". You're both being immature. And you need to go get your testicles out of her purse. The only way she can control you is if you let her control you.

C


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

Thank you, I suggested couples threapy/marriage counceling few years back. Guess what happend, she told me we that we should do it sperately. 

I know it is all my fault. I told her several times, that stop treating me like a child. She tells me you are wiered a guy men love women who babies them. I told I am not one of those guys. I told her all I want is you to control your anger, and let go things. 

I even told her once that I don't know why do you feel so competitive around me. I am your partner not your enemy. 

I think its about time that I take my balls out.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

she sounds rather controlling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds controlling and you sound like a child.


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

Thank you for your input folks. I am trying to figure out what sort of my actions are considered immature and childish.

Please point those out to me. Beside my comment about considering having an affair.

Thanks


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Was she like this when yall first started dating ?? of course not it seems like you cant win for losing, i would agree with the IC but would also suggest MC and see if yall could find some common ground if not then i would hook em sounds like a lot of conditions if you ask me 

Good Luck


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

Some how all this was lost from my previous post

Thank you for your input folks. I am trying to figure out what sort of my actions are considered immature and childish.
Please point those out to me. Beside my comment about considering having an affair.
Most of the things that I pointed out it does bother me, but I do listen to her wishfully. All I want her to realize that I do 60% -70% of things her way, if I am not doing 40% of things her way she should be ok with.
Before even getting married I told her and made it very clear to her that for me marriage is like a give and take relationship. I give up few of my bad habbits and in return you do the same. In order survive marriage we always need to find the middle ground. 
Thanks


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

What she like this all before we got married, kinda yes.

She told me not to hang out with my firends as they were bad influnce on me in past for taking me to stripclubs. I didnt listen to her so we always had arguements about that.

She told me to quit smoking, I did that before my marriage.

She was overly possesive if I missed her call she would yell me. We got into nummerous arguement over this issue. She still does this


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

she sounds like she has the issues maybe she should start going to IC your just being a guy good grief


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

kashifkhanm9v said:


> 4.	I like to hunt, guns and hunting license cost money. I have been told to give up all this because its waste of money and when I go hunting I always come back empty. Oh one thing I should clear here that I only allowed to go for hunting one day in whole year that is after begging for several weeks..


I don't get that if you like to go hunting why you beg her for weeks just to get her to say "ok you can go hunting one day this year".

Why not just say "Honey, I'm going hunting today, see you tonight, please have dinner ready for me" and just walk out the door?

It's much easier on your knees.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

northland said:


> I don't get that if you like to go hunting why you beg her for weeks just to get her to say "ok you can go hunting one day this year".
> 
> Why not just say "Honey, I'm going hunting today, see you tonight, please have dinner ready for me" and just walk out the door?
> 
> It's much easier on your knees.


Haha, this.

Or better - I'll be going hunting every second sunday of the month (or other duration).

Don't beg, it's not cool. Discuss.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

caladan said:


> Don't beg, it's not cool. Discuss.


In this case, I wouldn't discuss, I'd just do.


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

oh the reason i have to beg is because she can take our son to his swiming class or if she has a client that day then she needs to remember that I wont be home to help her with the usual cleaning I do before her clients comes.

Just as last night I was told how her friends thinks I am not do things right. So she told me there is a problem with you and now other are also pointing it out.

See I don't have a problem accepting my mistakes, but I do many other things to make up for my mistakes.

and last night I also got a lecture for drinking pop two days in a row, telling how bad it is for your health, it can paralyze you and all that. Just to be clear I am only 10-15lb over weight

I am just getting tired of all this now. So I think its time for me to move on. Or should I stay like this for another 8 years till my kid is 18.

What ya all think?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

kashifkhanm9v said:


> oh the reason i have to beg


Begging is not your only option.

Think about it.

You do things for her, right?

Does she beg you to do them?

Of course not.

Therefore you don't need to beg either.


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

Since I dont go and hunt alone, always go with a buddy. This is how our conversation goes when it comes to hunting. 

Honey can I go hunting this particular saturday? No it is a waste of time. or no I am busy studying or whoes going to drop our kid to swiming class. 

When I can I go then? So I need to set a time with my friend and see if they are also available that weekend. 

Will you be gone of whole day? You know you are justing going to waste gas, time and money. I will let you know. You need to finish your chores first like clean the basement, moe the lawn (I dont even like gardening). Help her with plants, (which by the way is her hobby), but after everything is planted it becomes my chore to water them.

Honey please let me the which weekend works for you? Ok you can go on so and so saturday only one day, dont ask again. You better not come home empty handed otherwise this is last time you are going for hunting.

Days comes I go hunting, come home empty handed because I didn't do any scouting. Now the nagging starts again see I told you what a waste of money and time. You and your stupid expensive hobbies. You should sell your guns one day I am going to list them online. 

From the time I leave home, I feel so presurized and tense that what will happend if come home empty handed again. She going to tell me again I am such a looser.

Some of you suggested that I should just tell her that I am going hunting that day and leave. I am afraid she might call the cops and tell them some bogus stuff that she feel threatens and they will take away my firearms and license. She has mentioned to me several times that I should be thankful to her that she lets me keep guns at home. Oh one more thing I am not allowed to have more than one gun. So it took me years to explain to her that I can't hunt deer with shotgun it is not allowed in our area. And even with a slug you are limited to distance. So she said two guns only.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

You live in constant fear of this woman and what she might do to make your life even more miserable than it already is.

I say take your chances.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

kashifkhanm9v said:


> Since I dont go and hunt alone, always go with a buddy. This is how our conversation goes when it comes to hunting.
> 
> Honey can I go hunting this particular saturday? No it is a waste of time. or no I am busy studying or whoes going to drop our kid to swiming class.
> 
> ...


Two things you can do:

1 - Do what you want REGARDLESS of the fallout. Tell her. She either makes plans to cover or she doesn't. You're not the help, she can't have every weekend to see a client or watch the son, you have the right to take some free time as well.

2 - Turn the tables. Dude, I can't believe you're even making the excuses you just made. People are pointing out your mistakes and she has the guts to tell you that? That could never EVER have happened to me, ever. Is your wife perfect? The moment people start pointing out my faults in a hostile manner is the moment I start pointing out their faults as well. Go nuclear. And pop? It's sugar, you burn it off with a brisk run at the gym (or if you're like me, a quick 5 mile trot early in the morning).

The sad fact is that you're probably not going to do any of these things, not until it's too late. I can tell by the way you keep blaming yourself. I've been there. In the end, she's going to decide you're a loser and leave you.

I'm sorry if this comes across as attacking the victim, but here's the reality, you're both the victim and the aggressor. You've obviously decided at some point that you don't deserve this woman, and that you're a sore loser. Now when she says these things, you identify with it really quickly, instead of pushing back

You need to re-establish a sense of self-worth. I dunno, hit the gym, build some muscles, read some self-help documentation, and stop being such a pushover. You're neither sexy nor attractive to your wife in your present state, and the clock is ticking against you.

Just my opinion.


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