# Keeping evidence of your WS's affairs...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So I have a question, I think I already know the answer, but am curious as to what others say.

I have some phone bills that I have in which they show the phone calls that H placed to his EA, I don't know why I keep them because they just get me all angry and upset when I look/analyze them, yet I cannot bring myself to shred them. 

As well I keep one of the email addresses that he had set up to communicate with his EA...why I keep it and check it occassionally I don't know but I find myself doing it. I cannot bring myself to delete it.

WHy do I want to hang on to this stuff? 

It is like I want to hang on to these things so I do not forget what he did (like that would happen anyway)...yet for some reason I find it hard to get rid of these things..

One time a couple of months ago we had a disagreement about something and I was all mad at him and found myself going up stairs and pulling those phone bills out and reviewing them again at that moment....it was like I wanted to remind myself in my annoyance of him what he had done...is that strange?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Serendipitous timing - just last night I decided I was ready to get rid of all my 'evidence'. It's been almost 3 years. I actually had forgotten I had it - I was rummaging through a drawer and came across the folder I had saved everything in that I printed off.

It's just another thing that it takes time for a BS to be able to do.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know..there is so many times I would think okay just go ahead and shred the phone bills yet I would think no I want to keep them just in case.

But...is it good to keep looking at these things???


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So Hope are you going to get rid of the evidence?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am not sure about this, at first I would say never but that cannot be healty. If you D and it is final, I would dump it. If you are in R I would hold on to it for a few years


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

I can't comment on what your situation is, I don't feel like my words would bring you any closure. I think for every BS it's an individual choice you have to come to. All I can do is tell you what I did / have done / and continue to do.

I actually found a treasure trove of my WW multiple affairs on a back up hard drive. She thought she had deleted these messages / images / videos, and in fact she had. But the hard drive was set up to auto-back her hard drive and so those files were saved to the external hard drive all along. I also have the phone records, internet search history, several Facebook conversation I forwarded from her account to mine, as well as all the cards she was sent, letters, credit card records, bank statements, Skype history logs, etc etc. 

I kept the digital stuff and even gave her a copy to read, it took her several days and she did not like it one bit. But it shocked her finally out of her fog for her to know that I knew at least this much and her lies would not work on me anymore. I threw away all of the physical items 3 months ago (9 months post DDay) after I took digital pictures of everything and saved. I keep the material on an external device that I keep away from home where she can never get to it. 

I guess I keep it now that my eyes are open in the case that I even get the remote inkling that our recovery is false. It may not do me any good, but when kids / family / friends ask me why our marriage failed I will not be the victim of bad press. When I am convinced that this ugly sickening portion of our marriage is firmly behind us, I may consider getting rid of the stuff. But for now, it is where I can get it and no other until a time of my choosing.

Perhaps it is unhealthy to keep this stuff around, but I don't think many would argue against it too severely. I fought hard for the truth and reality of what she has done to our marriage since it certainly wasn't going to come from her. And now I will dictate the truth of our marriage as it is proved out there as the old saying goes "in black and white". Nothing proves like proof...

I will add in closing that I don't look at it except in rare occasions of bad trigger days, because there is no healing in it, only selfish ugliness. But it cannot hurt me anymore, because I chose truth and to embrace that truth as an adult. Perhaps now reading what I wrote I do need more IC...lol...but that is simply how I dealt with the situation and am still dealing with it.

I wish you all the best in your healing journey, may God speed the passing of the hurt.

Peace


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> So Hope are you going to get rid of the evidence?


I already did.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Plus I have a sealed envelope of stuff I gave to my sister for safekeeping after DD#1..so locked up at her office is some evidence anyway that I do not have easy access to. She would not give it to me without a fight

I think I will shred these phone bills I have here and close that email address..I think it just incites me too much and gets me all anxious and then I spend the whold day rumminating over what he did.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Okay..I just did it. I had those phone bills kept here at work so I just went to the shredder and got rid of them. My gut tells me that was the best thing to do for my peace of mind. 

When I go home at lunch I will delete that hotmail account and be done with it.

YEsterday I was in a not great mood, felt lots of anger toward H, and it only got worse when at work I was looking at the phone bills once again...it just adds fuel to the fire.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have all of the evidence- emails, copies of texts, and VAR's in a safety deposit box. That way I have them IF I need them but dont have daily access unless I take a trip to get them. Keeps me from reading them and listening to her god awful voice over and over. Hence keeping me 'stuck'. I dont know that I will ever get rid of them, but I dont know that I'll ever look at them again either. 

Maybe once the trust is restored I will get rid of some of it?


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

I keep some records as it helps me to validate my feelings. I don't need to prove the affair happened but sometimes i need to look to stop the mind from going bananas. 

At some point in recovery i will let them go. WW sure wants me too. It's always a challenge with her to avoid blameshifting and rug sweeping.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I would be the same way. It's a way of protecting yourself from forgetting about it and keeping up that emotional wall. And no you will never trust him again at least not like you did before.

Remind yourself that forgetting and forgiving are not the same thing and you will never forget. For that matter you will have to forgive repeatedly because it has a way of popping up every so often. Good luck with R. My first wife cheated and I didn't have it in me even though I tried.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tossed mine a long time ago.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I really think it's just a place you have to get to.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Completely torn on it. I pitched most of what I had from a ‘03 event; Phone logs and such. Didn’t do that with the journal and just shoved it away. 

‘09 had a DD. Tons of gaslighting, denials, etc. I’d forgotten about that old journal. You are desperately trying to believe their words. Slipping into that realm of “maybe I’m wrong about this and the extent”. I of coarse remembering this, and asked. She denied things like breaking NC too badly and tried to get me to believe that there were only a couple occurrences. Didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t remember for sure... just a couple specific confrontations about it.

About 4 months into a false R, I ran across it. SAME PATTERN, SAME WORDS that I was hearing six years later. Multiple broken NC why I only confronted a couple times is the bill came once a month... two months of continued contacts and lies about it. It was all there in the journal... that pain and fog of trying to believe her words while waiting for the next bill. It all comes flooding back. And here I was going through it all again making the same mistakes.......
Having that old stuff helped reassure myself that I wasn’t crazy and should trust my instinct... It helped me stick to my gut; She was still lying and I should not believe her. Gut was right. Finally found her continued underground EA using pre-paid methods.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

The substantial evidence I collected on my WW's affair is the culmination of a grueling 18-month investgation, during which I was constantly lied to, gaslighted, and treated as a pet or houseplant by my wife.

It is tangible testament to the most horrific, sustained, emotionally-traumatic event in my life, which I cannot imagine could ever be surpassed by any other event or series of events.

I don't dwell on the evidence. I don't take it out and peruse it, or use it as an altar of commiseration, but I cannot anticipate a time or circumstance that will ever compel me to discard or destroy a single piece of it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, I'll make my confession. I know it's unhealthy and neurotic, but I keep all the evidence digitally on a thumb drive that I keep with me at all times. The thousands of Facebook/email messages from the POSOM, the letter I sent to POSOM's wife, the phone logs, etc.

And, I occasionally read them (though not as often as at first). For some reason I am compelled to read through the e-mails from 2010/11 that correspond with the current date of the year. In fact just this morning, I read through Jan 1 - Jan 15 of 2011 to catch up, since it had been two weeks since I last read them. Sort of a walking timeline diary of her affair two years ago.

I know it doesn't help my R, but I can't seem to help myself.

In regards to getting rid of them; never.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I got rid of all of the emails I had between them. It just wasn't healthy reading that crap over and over again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've kept the stuff that I found regarding their communication as well as stuff that I found out about her online.

I look back at it now because there are still some gaps in what I know and what I would like to know. Gaining information here has helped me to piece together plausible possibilities. also looking at how they related to each other gives me insight as to what my fiancé values. HE definitely likes to be challenged.

I've also found this incident interesting as I now see this woman as representative of what 20 and 30 something women do..... that is, carry on inappropriate relationships with men and then call it a friendship. and it seems to me that a lot of men are making fools of themselves believing that there is something more to it.

For example, my fiancé's explanation was that after he met he always saw her as just a friend. Yet, he betrayed that stance by remarking how surprised he was that she could have a boyfriend and still take a trip with another man. Why would my fiancé be surprised if he had bought in to the belief that they were just friends.

another piece of wisdom that I learned off this message board is that a WP will inform his/her partner of their activity when there turning points in that relationship. Now having information about what was going on between them and the times that he told me about now make a lot of sense.

I really don't see anything wrong in keeping this information. But if one feels better throwing it away, then everyone should do what's best for them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It took me 3 years to get rid of what I got rid of. That was the emails, AFF and SS profiles, his penis pic, google searches of his username, etc. that I had printed off and kept in a folder.

One thing I am keeping around, though, is the timeline of what he did. It's posted here on TAM, but I also have a copy with a few more details than I posted here. This is because I am still trying to figure out the bigger picture of his 'sex addiction', I have a hope that some day he will delve deeper into that aspect of himself and that it might help him and/or me if and when that happens.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiancé has kept the e-mails, text messages and has not deleted her entries on his FB wall. He did delete some private messages between her and him on FB. I'm not sure how to interpret it but I don't feel that I have anything to worry about.


One thing I was annoyed about was when I helped him to clean up his place I cam across a bag of travel brochures. I knew from their messages, that he and she had gone to a travel exhibition together. And it took a couple of times to convince him that he didn't need to keep around year old travel brochures. I was wondering if there were some sort of keepsake to that.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I look at the little I have when I feel like it. I grieve again when I feel like it. It is me going through this. I refuse to put a deadline on it or limit myself. Especially since my WS rushed me into getting over "it", rug swept, tricke truthed and still calls it just friends even till this day. I am, going to do this until I am ready to destroy it, if ever. No, it's not my "precious", it's my reality check and validation that my gut instincts are always correct. It's the sand on the years of gaslighting I experienced. I look at it a lot less than I used to, now that I have pieced the story together on my own. I doubt I will ever destroy it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I am keeping copies of everything I have discovered and will keep it until we are divorced. I also maintain a journal (was supposed to be daily, but I've slipped recently) of all the crap.

This was on the advice of my lawyer. If the divorce ever becomes confrontational or contested, then every little bit helps.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think you should keep it.. I threw away something of similar importance years ago, and now that my ex and I have split, I wish I had it still.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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