# My wife is hitting me, what do I do?



## Elahrairah (Apr 8, 2013)

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read this, but please read it through because like most things in life, this is pretty complicated for me.

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, and we've known each other since we were young and were in some of the same classes in high school together. We met later in our mid 20s and it started from there.

I am disabled, with an extremely rare and complicated genetic disease. I have no income, and I depend on her medical benefits to keep from falling apart. I am not strong, as physical activity produces acids my body can't get rid of, so Im a fairly weak man. I am more handsome than most men from the neck up and I look fit but my body is covered in hundreds of small painful tumors. Only a few are large enough to be visible.
I also have Aspergers and while I hide it very well most of the time and people dont know - but if I am stressed or anxious it can show; but it is harder long term for me and I have difficulty making friends because of my little oddities and the eye rolling I sometimes do.
I dont have any relationship with my parents, my mother was very emotionally abusive and sexually abused me and my father is a psychopath and megalomaniac. I havent talked with either in many years... so we live out of state from family and I dont have any one at all nearby to go to.

We have two children, and they are the light of my life. They are not only important to me, they are an essential part of my own well being, self esteem, and healing. By making their childhood worth remembering it heals my own, does that make sense? M children are happy and get constant compliments from other people... people always want them around their own kids but dont generally want their kids around me. I am an excellent father but I try not to take it personally because I am a man, and I understand why mothers are cautious about men around their kids, and furthermore because I have difficulty keeping up a natural flowing conversations. I 'read from script' if you understand. 
If we were divorced, I probably wouldn't get custody because I can't afford to support them - and I can't live without my little ones. My grandmother has urged me to apply for disability for a long time, but I havent because I am afraid of stress. My endocrinologist said this disease worsens with stress; but also that people with this disease are almost always approved. But without ever having made much money I dont qualify for much not enough to get custody of my kids.

There is not a lot I can do but I am a very good father and a good husband and I keep the house pretty clean though sometimes I am too tired or hurting too much to make dinner which can upset her a lot.

My wife is very likeable and pretty and people like her, especially older people. But she has a very nasty temper that when it happens includes a kind of obtuse cloudy thinking where she only sees her point of view. It is better since she got an IUD and doesnt have periods now. She used to get angry with me and hit me a lot, but now it is less common since the IUD. As often as a few times a month to only every 6 months. She drinks very lightly 2 glasses of wine a week.

It worries me now because she is hitting me where my fat tissue is the most deformed and painful, and it is brusing awful. Last night she hit me with a closed fist. I tried to knock her arms away and I got up and tried to help her get perspective I explained that hitting someone with a closed fist is actionable if I were to call police. I wasnt threatening but trying to help her see what she was doing was bad. But then she got her phone and said she would call them if I didnt leave. It scared me because I am a man and might get blamed even though I did nothing, or they might see the bruises and take her in then she might divorce me and Id have no health care and have a miserably painful life without my medications and surgeries, or Id be seen as the bad guy no matter the outcome to the new neighbors and have no friends again and be left totally isolated and under her control. I left the room and she started making the kids see it her way, they are only 4 and 6.

She apologizes usually but always it is a justified apology which is very unsatisfactory. I am too forgiving though and I always forgive her quickly it seems, it may be because I am so dependent that I am afraid what will happen if I dont.

It started because I asked her to tell me if the water pressure was higher or lower, I was adjusting the valve at our new house, but it was hard to reach and very painful for me to turn. She said I wasnt talking nice and stopped checking the water, but it was painful to reach I wasnt being unkind. So I have to do it alone now with all of the walking up and down the stairs and getting down to the valve.
I went to the store for plumbing things and when I got back she tried to hug me but I stopped her and said why would you hug me if you wouldnt help me with the water? All you have to do is say too strong or too weak, but refusing means so much extra pain for me.

Later we were on the couch and I boffed her in the face with a pillow. It is honestly like the softest formless pillow on the planet. And I did it hard enough to maybe knock a moth off a wall, but not hurt the moths legs or wings or anything. It was soft enough to be playful only. 
But she became enraged and started gouging my inner thigh where the tissue is so painful and squeeze the spot along my back where the tumors are. Then I tried to get her off me but she is very strong. People say women arent strong but I think they are crazy, she's quite strong. When I got out from under her she punched me in the chest by the nipple where I have other tumors too. You can still see knuckle marks there and my thigh is brusing very badly. They both hurt terrible, and Im afraid the tissue is really hurt and will get worse now.

Normally she will chase me down or knock in whatever door I hide behind, I guess because I usually run and hide when it gets bad. So I barricaded the door and Ive been shut up in the closet of the bedroom where I am now for about 26 hours. I have water so its okay. She has to go to work tomorrow, and I can come out then and get the kids ready for school and take them and that, and then get back in to safety before she gets home.
I dont know that she will hurt me if she catches me out but I am afraid and not sure what to do. She will at least be aggressive and Im afraid of that too.

I called my psychologist because I like seeing her and I see her a lot, and she can see me in 2 days from now. My wife sometimes will go with me and have a couples session but it never matters, she always loses her temper again and hurts me.

It is also hard because I feel loved and cared about with sexual intimacy because as a child that is how I felt cared about from my mother; and she will withold that for as long as a month from me if she is angry. This is very very painful for me too but I have not cheated on her though sometimes I feel desperate enough to.


Anyways that is what is going on and Ive been reading a lot online today because its not getting better and shes hitting me harder or squeezing my painful fat harder than she used to, over smaller things. I dont have any money, or skills, and I get only about 2-3 physical hours a day irregularly not enough to work and sometimes have pretty bad brain fog.
But my kids are everything to me and mean all the world and I cant find any worth in my life without them.

What would you do if you were me?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and help. Im sorry it is long I get talking too much when I finally start, I know.

~Oregon


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Look, I know NONRESIDENT illegal aliens who have gotten free medical care here in the states at county hospitals, including major surgeries. Sure you have to wait for service, but you do get seen and treated.

You're wife is a psychopath and you need to get away from her. Use a VAR on your person to record these interactions. Once the police get through with her, you might get custody and she'll pay you maintenance and child support. Also, file for your disability.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I get the impression that you do care for your wife but that you reall feel more dependant on her for the health care and all but you do need to get away from her.

Apply for dissability, it will take a little time but do it. Get on a low income housing list - it usually takes months for one to come open. And go live with your uncle if you can, take your children with you. 

Also, get some evidence of her abuse so you can use this in court. I understand all this will be stressfull for you, it would for anyone, and I also understand having Aspergers makes it even more difficult, but it is either leave her or continue to be abused. Those are your only options.

Sorry for the situation you are in.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,
No one should have to live in fear of their partner.

You may feel dependant on them financial and / or emotionally but that does not excuse them for mistreating you.

The only way to save your marriage is for your wife to get some help / treatment for her abusive behavior. This of course will only be possible if she is prepared to admit to herself and the doctor that she has a problem.

In your post you say that the physical abuse has lessened since your wife (through contraception) stopped menstruating so it may be that her mood swings / aggression are hormone triggered. If this is the case then it could be worth her going to the doctors about it. 

I feel that in the mean time you need to start working on a safety plan for yourself and the children (yes I feel that the children could be in danger from your wife as well, anyone who beats on the disabled is capable of beating on a child). I do not know what the systems are in the US but I am guessing that there are benefits you could apply for to cover your medical costs and something towards your living costs. It is sad to say but I think you do need to gather evidence of the way your wife is abusing you (have a medic take picture / statements, keep a diary) as you may need to prove that your wife is an abuser in order to get custody of the children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the police get called to your place for a domestic violence situation, they will do an investigation and if they can determine the primary aggressor, they will take that person to jail. If you have the marks, she will likely take a ride. Around here, we'll give the victim a sheet of paper explaining all their rights, etc. One of those is that they can petition the court for an Order of Protection. This order directs the abuser from any future acts of violence and it also can require they maintain financial support for their dependants (you and the kids) and this would include medical care. Likely, the judge will order to stay away from you until the matter is settled in court. We get to them pretty quickly around here, but it might be a few weeks elsewhere. If she's not public enemy #1, she'll probably get ordered to take some anger management counseling and she'd be put on probation for a year. Basically, she'd have to play nice for a year or she goes to the slam, no questions asked. 
 The fly in this buttermilk might be two-fold. 1. Her arrest for domestic violence gets her fired from her job and everybody loses financial support and medical benefits. 2. Her arrest pisses her off to the extent that she files for divorce and you end up with no support or insufficient support. The system isn't perfect. 
Your grandmother has the best idea. Apply for disability so you aren't someone's dependant and you have your own access to medical care and your own income. Perhaps if your wife knew you had other options she would control her temper better. If you were able to help out financially, maybe she wouldn't be quite as resentful and hostile. I'm not excusing her behavior. It's criminal and it's wrong. I'd be tempted to lay her out colder than a tuna but I don't have your medical conditions and I have my own income and the ability to support myself. You're in a more vulnerable position. Women have battered women shelters to retreat to. I don't know of any battered men shelters around here. You might call the domestic abuse hotline in your area and see what resources are available. Bottom line, though, is you need your own income and that would seem to be linked to getting disability. Maybe the Department of Human Services in your area (or maybe a church group) can hook you up with a free attorney who would do the grunt work for you about applying for your disability.


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## Elahrairah (Apr 8, 2013)

Thank you for your advice and thoughts. Ive tried to make a list of the suggestions and have done some of it, like I texted pictures of the bruises so that there will be a timestamp to them. I'll also start more quickly on the disability; sometimes fear can be a good motivator.
It rings a bell too because my psychologist suggested that having some financial help would ease the stress she feels providing for a family on her own with a husband in declining health and two little kids. So I should find some leverage to help overcome the fears and call around and try to find someone to help me with it.


In the meantime I will work on a plan and try to set aside some money, and find a place to go if we have to.

I will also try to find a sitter so she can go to counseling and I will ask the counseler by email if she would recommend anger management treatment. Perhaps if I volunteer to go to she will be less likely to refuse?

I think my wife wants to do better, but has poor control of her actions and has a passionate temper. Her own parents were both physically and emotionally abusive to each other, including broken bones, and she ended up trying to break up the violence and eventually had to be a witness in the divorce. So she has some of her own baggage; that isnt to excuse what she does to me but to explain sort of the backdrop. Now I dont know if what I am seeing is baggage of her upbringing or genetic tendencies passed down.

The man across the street from me is a federal officer and I know I can go there for safety.

Thank you for the replies, I will think on them and try to organize my head into having a plan, and start working on some independence of some kind. A lot of my fear is just how dependent I am leaves me with no control or options, and that probably isnt good for her either.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Elahrairah said:


> Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read this, but please read it through because like most things in life, this is pretty complicated for me.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 15 years, and we've known each other since we were young and were in some of the same classes in high school together. We met later in our mid 20s and it started from there.
> 
> ...


She's a narcissist and it gets worse with each transgression.

You handle the "being hit" case like you would if it was any other man or woman.

If you can, you physically restrain the person ( if it's a woman or smaller man ) or defend yourself to eliminate the threat. Then you call the police and press charges. You want them in jail if you can get them there. 

I know you don't want to tell on her, but it has to happen. These things can spiral out of control, and what if she flips it and says you enjoy it or were hitting yourself.

Having the consequence will make the authorities aware of the situation you are living so that if it escalates they have a history.

I also think you guys are done, you can't be in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that a lot of your fear stems from dependence on her. DEFINITELY go file to get your disability! There is help out there for housing, etc, get everything you are entitled to, then you will be empowered and can get yourself away from this evil person. I was absolutely APPALLED reading your post, at how she treats you! You do NOT deserve to live that way!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If you can, maybe call up a buddy or a neighbor, and borrow a video camera, or something like that, and set it up so next time she hits you, you can record it. 

Then next time it happens, call the police.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I sure hope the kids aren't witnesses to you being her punching bag.

You need to file for disability and call the police next time she hits you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you have gotten some good suggestion so far. Here is what I'm seeing... I think it's good to document the bruising and stuff, and I agree that it may help you win custody and get financial support for your children. As others pointed out, it's abusive for them to even see or know about this.

It may feel stressful to go through the disability application process, but it *will* be worth it. You have to find a way to manage your stress as you go through it. I have some suggestions at Coping Strategies for Stress that you may find helpful. It's a little more in-depth than what you'll usually find about stress management. 

I would also encourage you to make sure you have a cell phone and keep it on your person at all times. When you're in the closet, use it to reach out to someone and have them come over to your home. Not necessarily the police, but if you don't have someone else, then call 911 and stay on the phone until they arrive. 

I understand that you're afraid of losing your medical care, so before you do this, please contact your county's health department and ask them to help you apply for Medicaid. This is not the same thing as Medicare. People with chronic disabilities who do not have a way to pay for them may be eligible even if their household doesn't meet poverty guidelines. By learning what you may qualify for if you leave, it may help you open doors to a healthier lifestyle.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You're disabled and your W hits you? I would take the advice and start recording things that happen. Do you want your kids seeing this? At best, it will traumatize them. At worst, they will think that this is "acceptable behavior" and continue the cycle.

Tell me: if the tables were turned and it was you hitting her, what do you think she would do?

That's right: You'd be writing from a prison cell right now.

Get the disability, get your house in order, and get busy LIVING!

P.S., I love Watership Down too! In fact, use that to think of your kids. Do you think that they would follow Fiver or Hazel and Bigwig?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

F-102 said:


> You're disabled and your W hits you? I would take the advice and start recording things that happen. Do you want your kids seeing this? At best, it will traumatize them. At worst, they will think that this is "acceptable behavior" and continue the cycle.
> 
> Tell me: if the tables were turned and it was you hitting her, what do you think she would do?
> 
> ...


Your done with the relationship. You press charges on people who physically assault you, it's no accident and it's not OK and they need to pay and it needs to be on record.

Worst case they don't take her, and it's on file. The next time it happens they will have a history of it.

But we don't stay in relationships with people who physically abuse us.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Your done with the relationship. You press charges on people who physically assault you, it's no accident and it's not OK and they need to pay and it needs to be on record.
> 
> Worst case they don't take her, and it's on file. The next time it happens they will have a history of it.
> 
> But we don't stay in relationships with people who physically abuse us.


Actually, worst case scenario is she lies to the cops and our OP here gets to spend the night in a jail cell. 
Get real, police are suckers for women that are crying. How many women have tried getting out of a ticket by crying? 

Or they could force him to leave the house because of contradicting stories. I wouldn't put it past his wife to lie to the police for her own gain. 

Which is why he needs to record this. That way, he has evidence. Without it, it is a classic "he said she said," situation, and he won't win.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Actually, worst case scenario is she lies to the cops and our OP here gets to spend the night in a jail cell.
> Get real, police are suckers for women that are crying. How many women have tried getting out of a ticket by crying?
> 
> Or they could force him to leave the house because of contradicting stories. I wouldn't put it past his wife to lie to the police for her own gain.
> ...


He can't stay in that house.

I was advised by police to always press charges. You have to remain calm, they will usually be able to tell she is over doing it in her lie. You want a history of it.

So you cannot be afraid. Also you must remove yourself from the situation, he needs to leave this home - but I would get it on record that I opened a call where my wife was physically assaulting me, and I'm practically defenseless.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I don't know if this will help your stress at all but you can get a lawyer to help you get disability and it won't cost you money upfront. They take 25% of your past due benefits if you win (which there should be no reason that you wouldn't). Even if you don't get much money it's better than nothing AND you can eventually become eligible for Medicare after being on SSDI for two years. Here is some info: How Much Will a Social Security Disability Attorney Charge? | Disability Secrets

It's a start anyway and as Kathy pointed out, you should be able to get Medicaid in the meantime. 

I know that you're afraid and the stress will be harmful but it must be very stressful as things stand and no one should be abused. Get help and get away for yourself and your kids.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just wondering...can the police be called to remove someone from their home, if they fear for their safety? I was just thinking, if they do that, then he could have a safe escape from the home, and the police will be aware of what is going on...


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Imagine, just as you will... That current WIFE, knows she can get away hitting you. That she has developed a THIRST for it, and a contempt at you for taking it. That she may even plan some of the moments she's going to steal some sugar from you with her abuse. Imagine it makes her feel like a physically dominant gay man in the jail cell who prefers to rape.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hey, I wanted to check in on you, are you ok?


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