# HELP PLEASE: Mixed lengthy separation



## ComingHome

Separated 15 months (separate houses/shared custody private arrangement)
W left. Insecurities both parties. 
No known affairs, gambling, addictions etc
H (me) engages professional services from week 1.
Intent to reconcile on the table from both. 
Months later: dating, sleepovers, couples counseling etc takes place
6 month mark: W offers suggestion of renewing vows
10 month mark: W suggest possible moving back in together 2015 and buying a new house for a new start
W and her bio son (my adopted) visit her ex husband so son can meet him for first time in his recollection
Dating and counseling ceases. Son advises that H is now known to him by first name. 
11 month mark: W emails H requesting divorce stating it is because H wants it (untrue)
Communication dissolves to email only and mainly about kids
13 month mark: W physically abuses H in front of kids. W calls police and admits. (No apology to date)
14 month mark: son refers to H as "Dad"
15 month mark: W enters family home (H residence) when H is out and does housework and drops off dinner etc on different days. 
W expresses face to face that she is feeling ignored by H.
W has now put up family photo in her place of whole family (including H)
H reaches out via email offering to meet for a coffee or a walk to discuss the feeling of ignored, acts of service and gift giving. W ignores offer. 

NB. No legal correspondence received for entire duration
H not interested in filing. H engaged with kids, professional help and absorbing activities
Help please.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Seems to me whenever things have gone wrong in the above scenarios, it's due to lack of communication. You both have to talk it through. Don't email...if you want to talk to her, literally go over to her home, knock on the door, and sit down with her. Hold her hand. Let her know how you feel, that you don't want this divorce. And ask why all the back and forth?

What have you got to lose?


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## ComingHome

I agree with you. 
When she requested divorce she asked me not to go to her place. I had been respecting that. Even though she wasn't doing the same to me. 

Yesterday I took a meal to her. I figured if it's was ok for her to repeatedly do to me.....She wasn't home. I went a second time. She wasn't home. I was able to have it put in her kitchen without going inside myself. I emailed her to let her know it was there. No reply.


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## ConanHub

She seeing someone else?

Seems pretty messy.

You might have to call it quits and get off the rollercoaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComingHome

If so, it is under wraps. 
Yes it is messy. 
I am not. Please re-read "H not interested in filing"
I understand that choice has pain. I'm here for support. Thank you


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## ConanHub

If all she is going to do is kick your ass then I won't support your decision to say, "Thank you! May I have another!"

Filing is a wake up call. You don't have to go through with it.

She is playing with you.

You need to stand up for yourself and let her know where your boundaries are.

Do you have boundaries or limits?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComingHome

Obviously not firm enough. 

You have suggested filing. Any tips for boundaries on the day to day?


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## ConanHub

Do you know what the 180 is?

I would tell her that I want to work on the marriage but she has got to be all in as well. 

Write out a list of steps that need taken to restore your marriage.

Tell her if she wants to work on it, she knows where to find you and then implement the 180 and go dark.

It is up to you how long you will put up with it but just work on yourself and read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it at times.

This will at least give your wife the wake up call that she is in danger of losing you.

It will be up to her then to start working to save the marriage.

You really can't nice a woman who has checked out into coming back.

Do self improvement and become self motivated.

Do you think you are co-dependant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComingHome

Thanks. 
Just downloaded sample (Robert A Glover?)
I started this journey anxious attachment, insecure. 
I have done a lot of work with professionals and privately in this time. 
I did get suckered in by the dinner so I would have to say yes


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## ConanHub

You have the right book.

It is a great resource but only if you can implement it.

Co-dependency is a tough one but you can beat it with work.

Your wife might become attracted to you again but working to improve yourself is never wasted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComingHome

IMHO attraction to me isn't enough. Her insecurities and avoidance also need work

Your thoughts?


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## aine

She is playing games with you, possibly in the hope of some grand gesture from you.
She sounds confused.

Do you know why she left in the first place? How was your marriage up until then?

You have to take charge IMO and as Conan said tell her either you both agree to communicate, work on it or you 
are going to file, you cannot stay in this limbo land forever.


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## ComingHome

What are some examples of possible grand gestures?
Yes many say she sounds confused and agree on games but are they intentional/spiteful or from a place of insecurity and unhealthiness?
I don't really know as communication is avoided. I didn't see all that I am realising now. I thought it was special. WOW


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## ComingHome

I have set up a filter so her emails bypass my inbox


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## ConanHub

Gotta go for the night. Attraction is a great start.

If she has no desire to work on it, your marriage is dead on arrival.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComingHome

Is going dark/180 with anniversary next month the eye opener?
(We even celebrated together last year during separation)


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## ComingHome

When I give her space she reaches out for example she will write an email about our kids but she will end it with a sentence hoping that I am doing well etc


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## ComingHome

We are going to mediation in a few weeks. She requested it. Not about relationship or property. A couple of kids agenda items. Not legally binding in our jurisdiction


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