# I Just Don't Know Anymore



## kbla87 (Nov 26, 2007)

I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. Just to get it out of the way, let me say that we married really young (I was 18 and he was almost 21). Everyone told us to wait, we were too young, etc. We thought we knew better than everyone and thought that no matter what, our love would get us through.

Now here we are - separated. It all started about February, which is when we originally separated. We were living away from all family members, so we split for a month but only lived in separate bedrooms. Neither of us had any place to go. We lived like roommates for about a month and then decided to try to work things out. We continued on but instead of either of us trying to work on what was wrong with our relationship, we went back to the way things were before - as if nothing had ever happened. 

Our lease on our apartment was up on at the middle of October and we moved out - and back home, closer to family - at the end of October. We transfered with the company we were both working for and moved in with his grandparents. We both knew that things were still not right with our relationship but kept our mouths shut. The fights continued and the resentment from February/March has built up to an excruciating point. About two weeks ago we decided that we really needed some time apart. The only place I really have to go is back to our hometown, which is two hours away from our job. So now I have quit my job and moved back in with my mother. He has the car (he is keeping his job, so he can afford it) and I have nothing.

I just do not know what to do anymore. I am so lost, so confused, and so scared. I love him, and he says he loves me. We just don't know if the love we have for each other is the type that makes a good, happy marriage or if it is simply a really good friendship. We feel totally comfortable with each other but have major issues with some behaviors and desires that we have individually. We have talked about it and feel that we don't have (nor desire to have) what the other wants. His family tried to encourage us to stay together, but the things they say (and the way they say them) pinpoints me as the problem. My family is trying to understand what happened and be supportive of us no matter what we decide.

I'm here, stuck in my mother's house and feel as if my life is over. I don't know what he really feels (and that is one of the major issues - lack of communication) and I do not know what I feel either. Like I said, I do love him. I just don't know if I am _in_ love with him. I do not know if I ever was, but I feel like I was and it has been lost.

A little background:

He comes from parents who have been together for 25+ years but have never married. Has one un-married twin brother.

I come from a single-parent home (parents never married). Have three happily married siblings and one un-married sibling.

I don't know if anyone will read this, or reply, or have advice. But it feels good to get things out without waiting for a major reaction (like we did with family).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

To me I think love can overcome most things. I think the major issue I see with your relationship from what you posted is neither of you know how to make a good thing work. Sometimes it takes more then just love. So many people desire to have a relationship as it started out (fun, exciting, loving, cuddling). he problem is they let the mundane take over and they lose the very magic that sparked the attraction and the relationship to begin with.

This may help: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322-relationship-thesis.html

What did you normally argue about?

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

How much of the family's disapproval did the two of you have to deal with before you got away from them, and what were your expectations regarding marriage?

I am always reluctant to see chronological age as a barrier to having a good marriage, but having to live with others is.

It sounds like the two of you have made a wise decision, but while separated, you both need to examine what you thought marriage would be like. Something tells me those expectations is where your problems may lie.


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## kbla87 (Nov 26, 2007)

We argue about everything from the mundane to the extreme. We can argue about what color an object is and it will be just as serious as an arguement about finances.

Our families felt that we were too young, but have supported us in our decision. My family actually paid for our wedding, despite the fact they felt the way they did about us getting married. I don't know as to how we really had any high expectations for marriage. We knew we would encounter difficulties along the way, but as I said before, we thought love would carry us through. Now we feel as if that love is not there anymore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well love is only as good as you let it be but there has to be so much more in a relationship. Communication and trust are the two most important things without those all the love in the world just keeps you in a situation where you feel bad.

Try to set ground rules for disagreements and how you handle them. You should never yell at your partner or feel the need to. Nothing ever happens but hurt feeling and things said that might not be meant out of anger.

draconis


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

it sounds as if both of you lost sight on what you based your marriage on as times (work, paying for housing, car/car insurance.... real life) got to the both of you. 

i cant tell you how to fix it because i think that the both of you know what the main pinpointed problem is. also, there may be more arguments due to the fact that both of you are growing people. both of you are learning about yourselves and sometimes there are periods your personalities, characteristics, likes/dislikes, values, etc. clash. the things you used to agree on are different because both of you have grown and developed your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings about a subject. agree to disagree. sit down and make it a point what is important to discuss: finance, rent, buying a house, food, making a family, things like that. what i mean is that both of you need to know what to pick your battles on. fluctuate between the roles of passive and active (recessive vs. dominant) and just flow together instead of apart. both of your love conquers all, but know what is really important in your relationship.


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