# Did wife cheat 2.5 years ago?



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I woke up one morning a few years ago, found my Wife's phone, and we used to share the phone so I was looking through the texts and noticed her texting a male work friend.. this work friend had a girlfriend that was very similar in appearance to my wife and they always talked and hung out at work. So I found some texts between them, and I don't remember the exact words but it was something under the lines of "your big hard shaft" and his response was " want to see it ? " 

I had confronted her about it, and she says she doesn't remember such a text.. then says they must've been just joking around. Last week, I confront her about it again, and the story changes.. she says it was intended for me. Well ****, we hadn't talked like that in probably a couple years and with multiple texts back and forth about it, pretty difficult to get the wrong guy.

She is always defensive and in deny mode, and feel I've never trusted her since then. I'm on day 5 of separate for various other issues, but this one is always on my mind. 

This was actually about 5 months before we got married.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why'd you marry her? You didn't trust her, but married her....

You could have had on out! I don't know if she cheated...why not just ask if she cheated?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If she was texting to another man about his big hard shaft then it seems pretty obvious that something was going on. Sorry.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bryanp said:


> If she was texting to another man about his big hard shaft then it seems pretty obvious that something was going on. Sorry.


With all the rules against sexual harassment these days, OM would NOT have been able to get away with something like that unless there was something going on. That's not something you joke about unless you have something going on. Sexting like this indicates a relationship.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

You will never know unless you go out on a risky limb and use deception to game her into confessing. She will either admit it, or she will get upset that you are falsely accusing her.

Based on the messages and my experience with this stuff, I'd say something was going on behind your back. 

I ended my wife's ways last year, and one part of that was getting her to confess to some fishy business I suspected from 10 years ago (I didn't just devise this plan a decade later...I caught her in a recent affair last year). I told her I found one of her old cell phones while cleaning out a drawer and after charging the phone, there were left over messages from a guy friend of hers that I was always suspicious about. I told my WW that I called the guy and indicated to him that my wife and I were separated and that she told me about her relationship with this guy. 

It worked, and all of her lies in attempting to keep this covered up were finally broken. I can't say I felt any better though as it confirmed my wife considered our vows worthless as this crap was going on right when we got married, but I was still just as pissed/hurt as I was when not knowing for certain.

The positive out of her admission through was that her secret world was now fully exposed. In our situation, my wife seemed to get satisfaction from having her secrets and for getting away with her affairs. Once I 'assisted' in having her realize there were in fact no secrets anymore, the exposure led her to accept the fact she had been a terrible wife, and that she would now approach her therapy to truly get the help she needs, not as another cover to portray the image that she was going through the motions needed to 'look' like she is improving.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You know, this sounds like a relationship that was in serious trouble before it ever got off the ground; it was doomed to crash at some point. You experienced an event which damaged your trust 5 mos before the wedding. Should have resolved that before moving forward w/ marriage. Now you have other issues. Do you feel that these issues can be worked out? If so, you may try MC to help you. If not, cut your losses and move on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If your gut tells you something happened, it probably did.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

The message was intended for you wah, she is good in lying and twisting. Definitely there was something simply ask her for a polyghraph, its the only way to make her speak truth. But you should have resolved your doubt before you got married.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Schill said:


> I woke up one morning a few years ago, found my Wife's phone, and we used to share the phone so I was looking through the texts and noticed her texting a male work friend.. this work friend had a girlfriend that was very similar in appearance to my wife and they always talked and hung out at work. So I found some texts between them, and I don't remember the exact words but it was something under the lines of "your big hard shaft" and his response was " want to see it ? "


Something was going on. Probably physical.



Schill said:


> I had confronted her about it, and she says she doesn't remember such a text.. then says they must've been just joking around. Last week, I confront her about it again, and the story changes.. she says it was intended for me. Well ****, we hadn't talked like that in probably a couple years and with multiple texts back and forth about it, pretty difficult to get the wrong guy.


Who will joke around about big hard shaft? It was not definitely intended for you, as the other guy replied "wanna see it?"

Why did you not rake up the boat then?




Schill said:


> She is always defensive and in deny mode, and feel I've never trusted her since then. I'm on day 5 of separate for various other issues, but this one is always on my mind.


That denial is always expected of a WS.



Schill said:


> This was actually about 5 months before we got married.


Your trust is gone dear.
Now what do you seek from here?
Do you think she is still cheating?


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Well, I haven't been living at home for the past 5 days due to another issue. Her niece had moved in with us and I could not handle her behavior issues. Told her many times I can't do it anymore, but alas we carried on until I broke. (I would never adopt her, so she's still under the care of the children's aid society while living with us) 

I've suspected she cheated, but never able to prove it, so I guess that's why I went ahead with the marriage. 

She's always very defensive and denying of everything I ask her about, so up until recently it's been impossible to really tell. Now I just assume everything she says is BS when it comes down to it. The hysterical crying when I went back to get some clothes is another one of them guilt trips she loves to throw at me. And times when we fought, she'd always throw in " want me to move out" if you leave me I'll kill myself, etc. 

It's safe to say that it's time to cut my losses and move on. I guess she's just been messing with my head and I've had my head in the clouds.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I've always thought she was manipulative, but after doing some reading, it's very clear this is what she is doing here. I think this is exactly what I needed and I'm prepared to end it all and move on. Wish me luck!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are two and half years and one marriage too late to think about loyalty issues now. (She could well be cheating but bringing this after 2.5 years seems odd).. I think you are mixing this with other issues in your marriage to justify a divorce


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

You're right warlock, I did think about using this as justification but after reading about manipulative relationships, its so absolutely, positively crystal clear now that's the actual situation. 

I guess I'm in the wrong forum. haha


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You are two and half years and one marriage too late to think about loyalty issues now. (She could well be cheating but bringing this after 2.5 years seems odd).. I think you are mixing this with other issues in your marriage to justify a divorce


:iagree:

You appear to be grasping at straws for an out.I know if I came across a text message like that I would remember it verbatim for years to come and there would be hell to pay.You let it basically go then but now with other issues you pursue it hard.Maybe you're trying to work up some righteous anger to finally leave.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is what happens when the BS allows the WS to rug sweep. The resentment simply builds up until it can't be contained anymore and trust is never rebuilt.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

"This is what happens when the BS allows the WS to rug sweep. The resentment simply builds up until it can't be contained anymore and trust is never rebuilt. "
This is so true. Unless you can address the trust issue, the relationship has no hope. That would require that both partners be willing to work hard. If you decide there is any way to salvage the relationship, then get to a competent counselor asap. If not, then get ready to move on.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Is it worth my time to text or email him asking if they did in fact get intimate? It's most likely not going on anymore, but I just can't get past this.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why in the world would you think he would tell you the truth? If he is married he would feel that you may tell his spouse. The fact that you would ask him tells him you do not know the truth which means there is no benefit to him to tell you the truth.

You may wish to confront him and say that your wife just confessed that it was 3 times and you are calling to verify this. This is just a thought.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

He's not married or even seeing anyone. They haven't worked together in about 1.5 years now.

Thanks, I was wondering how to bring it up without offering an easy yes or no.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Schill said:


> Is it worth my time to text or email him asking if they did in fact get intimate? It's most likely not going on anymore, but I just can't get past this.


Do you think any OM would ever answer yes to that question regardless of the extent of their involvement?

The only one who might say yes would be the one guy you couldn't believe because obviously he'd be looking to hurt her and that would only be because she dumped him but then again that would indicate they had something going on at some point so in fact you might get a yes answer in the event of an affair gone bad but even then you'd never be sure unless he could describe something about her or her sexual preferences that you could definitely relate to.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Well, I've had beers with him in the past and shot the breeze, etc. I guess I would hope that any respectable guy would give an honest answer if he had nothing to lose either way. I know he wouldn't come out and volunteer it, but would if asked.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Schill said:


> Well, I've had beers with him in the past and shot the breeze, etc. I guess I would hope that any respectable guy would give an honest answer if he had nothing to lose either way. I know he wouldn't come out and volunteer it, but would if asked.


He just might be thinking you wouldn't respond all that favorable to his admission that he screwed your wife, and maybe he values his teeth?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'd ask, your moving on with out her any way. So go ahead let him know your moving on, and who knows you might find him "fishing" for you STBXW. Your W responses to him "fishing" might answer alot of questions.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Schill said:


> Well, I've had beers with him in the past and shot the breeze, etc. I guess I would hope that any respectable guy would give an honest answer if he had nothing to lose either way. I know he wouldn't come out and volunteer it, but would if asked.


Well you had more than just a few beers with your wife, and she still lies to you. Do you really expect an act of honor from a man who f**d your wife?


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