# What would you do?



## Esk2020 (3 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 8 married and 12 all together. We have had our issues but always pushed forward and made it work. 

We have a kid that is 2+.Ever since she's been born my husband's whole tratemtlent towards me has changed. Maybe it was before from when I was pregnant but it's definitely noticeable now. 

He doesn't show any love or affection at all. No holding/touching in a loving manner We go on NO dates. I am not even exaggerating. NOTHING!!!He doesn't put any effort into our marriage. I have spoken multiple conversations where I cried and was honest. Told him exactly how it hurts me and all of that. He couldn't care less!! I eventually gave up making myself look like a fool and desperate. He is not there for me emotionally. There is no effort from his side. I feel very lonely. I have been considering divorce/separation for a while as it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to TRY. 

I have even said I want to move out with my daughter and he said you'll never beacsuse you're too comfortable. I said now that I have a better paying job I will as this marriage is so deadbeat. I literally could be staying with a houshare mate and feel the same. So last night we had an argument about how he'll ALWAYS choose his family over his family in his own house (I literally live 2 houses away from my in laws and there are NO boundaries) I just don't give a hoot anymore. I am tired. It's been too many years of disrespecting me, of me putting up with their crap and my husband expecting me to forget how ****ty his one sister and mother were towards me. I have forgiven but not forgotten. Those were some hard days for me. 

The only concern I have is my kid. That she mustn't take the separation of being away from her dad badly as she's always used to having him around and she loves being with him. 

I'd rather be alone and feel lobely than be with a whole human and feel so lonely. I have realised it's time to put me first. I need happiness. I deserve so much better than minimal to no effort. I'm tired of pulling the weight of trying to make it work. Oh yes, couples counselling/therapy was suggested he says he won't go as he feels there's no issue and he isn't doing anything wrong. He says he's always been like this but the thing is, he hasn't and I've said that. I have known him for a while and that is why it hurts. It's as if he just doesn't give a **** about our marriage or more specifically about making it work with me. He basically states up until today that he won't change. If I want to leave then I must go, he won't stop me. What a bore. I can't bring myself to fight for someone like fhat. Who someone who can't fight for me. I cry alone now. I am my own support. I don't show him any vulnerability because I know he won't be there for me. I have become so emotionless when I speak about our marriage that I don't even flinch with emotion. That's how tired I am of trying to make him realise.It's a lost battle.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Esk2020 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 8 married and 12 all together. We have had our issues but always pushed forward and made it work.
> 
> We have a kid that is 2+.Ever since she's been born my husband's whole tratemtlent towards me has changed. Maybe it was before from when I was pregnant but it's definitely noticeable now.
> 
> ...


My opinion is that you should leave. There's soooo many dysfunctional marriages and a lot of them have a similar pattern. I personally don't believe it's gonna get better. At least, not for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get away from them. Your husband is warped and so is his family.

Don't let them warp you or your daughter.

Leave.


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## EastCoastNative (4 mo ago)

I agree, there is no reason to stay in that marriage. Just leave. Don't cheat- just leave. File for divorce first so there aren't any abandonment concerns, but start planning the rest of your life now. Either get a lawyer or just do the first filing yourself for a couple hundred dollars and figure the rest out later.

I am going through this now- my soon to be ex was just mentally checked out for 2+ years; I wanted to leave but didn't have the guts. Then I found out that she was having an affair for 2+ years (convenient timing...) so it made the decision easy.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You need to decide whether or not you want to be married to him.
Whether or not you do or don't, you need to file for divorce.
At that point, you will know if it can be salvaged.
If he steps up and does the work to make things better, maybe it can.
If not, you are simply doing what is required to get out of limbo.
Right now, it is merely a game of Chicken, in which he doesn't think you have the guts to make the move.
It's up to you to show him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband has abandoned you and the marriage. You can't change him. He has to be willing to change himself.

If you are going to leave, don't be rash about it. Make a plan and follow it. Start saving for your new place and divorce expenses. Since you have a child, you should get an attorney. Talk to a couple of attorneys. Some give free initial consulatations, but most don't. Get a book on divorce in your state and start reading about what to expect. Be prepared.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

You can't complain about someone not loving you. You can't conplain about someone not fighting for you who doesn't love you.
Leave. There is no other option. 
You can't fprce someone to love you.
It hurts really bad. But you have to accept that. 
He is not abusing you, if he simply doesn't love you. 
A marriage is no garantee your spouse wants or has to be with you forever. 
It isn't your fault. But the longer you stay, the less worth of love you'll feel.

And don't use your child as an excuse. 
You harm your child if you stay not if you leave.
You just want to stay because you are craving the perfect world. Because you hope he'll has to change soon or later. You are already discribing that you want his attention and affection. How could this be for your daughter? You don't want to be touched by him because of your daughter.

If it was for your daughter you wouldn't care or complain and simply be happy he takes care of her. But youe not. You want something for yourself from him. 

His resent towards you is just going to grow. 
He'll hate you more and more.

I can't understand why people want to stay with someone who doesn't love them.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Esk2020 said:


> I'd rather be alone and feel lobely than be with a whole human and feel so lonely.


This situation is toxic on so many levels. I highlighted this statement because I wanted to let you know that you wouldn't feel lonely forever. The first step is hardest. Your situation will only improve if there is room for it to improve by leaving. Your husband told you so himself!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Seems like you just need to start moving forward with divorcing him.

You are already there mentally just are not taking the next steps....


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He sounds like one of those guys who can no longer see their wife as a sexual being once she's given birth. 

Be gone, already.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why hasn’t he left? He seems tied to his mum and sister, I’m sure they can happily wash his clothes and continue babying him.

It seems you’re in his way, you just be doing something really good for him to stay.

Does he work? And now that you’re earning more money, are any of those funds finding their way over to support his mother and sister?

I’ll take a guess and assume his father is quiet and placid?


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