# Need guidance on awkward situation



## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

I need help on a really awkward situation . My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We were very young when we got married, both 18. Things have been great, get on really well.

Problem is her best friend. She is really inappropriate around me. She touches me when my wife isn't looking, says things to me she shouldn't be saying. Once she went to kiss me and for 2 seconds I forgot myself and kissed back, I immediately pulled away. But now I feel like I have cheated. I don't know how to deal with this. My wife and this women are best friends, they have known each other all her life, it would really hurt her to know how she is acting. I don't know why she is doing it.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Like your name yes she is toxic for your marriage and i would tell your wife immediately what is going on


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you have to shut down this friend immediately and state clearly that she is crossing boundaries that make you and your wife uncomfortable. Do not put yourself in situations that make you vulnerable. Don't hang out alone with her, don't exclusively text or email with her, etc

If she doesn't abide by that then you cut her out of your life


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Tell your wife. You'll catch some heat, but your marriage is more important than her friendship. 

Put the other woman in check.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> I need help on a really awkward situation . My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We were very young when we got married, both 18. Things have been great, get on really well.
> 
> Problem is her best friend. She is really inappropriate around me. She touches me when my wife isn't looking, says things to me she shouldn't be saying. Once she went to kiss me and for 2 seconds I forgot myself and kissed back, I immediately pulled away. But now I feel like I have cheated. I don't know how to deal with this. My wife and this women are best friends, they have known each other all her life, it would really hurt her to know how she is acting. I don't know why she is doing it.


Well, you have cheated. The good news is it is not as bad as it could be. I would sit down with your wife and tell her what is going on. You need to make sure that you are never alone with her best friend again. I am going to warn you that she is going to be pissed off at you and her friend. She might even believe her friend if she lies and says that you pursued her. Be ready for a fight.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You should bring your wife into the loop so that the two of you can be a united front.

If you try to deal with it on your own, your wife will see it as a betrayal. When you tell her about it, she may be suspicious of you, but you have to stand your ground & insist that her friend is a predator & the two of you have to work together to safeguard your marriage. Don't get defensive - her friend is doing this, not you. (You responded briefly to the kiss, but you're not in a really bad place yet.)

Insist that your wife see her friend for who she is and that she stand with you. If you work on it together from the start you have a much better chance of not letting it become a wedge between you.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks for the advice guys. I would be really worried about telling my wife about this. I've asked the friend to stop acting the way she is, and she said we went doing anything wrong. Is she for real? I'm just worried about this. I don't know what she's after. Am I over reacting to this?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

You are not overreacting. This woman is a threat to your marriage and is not a true friend to your wife. She's a backstabber and your wife needs to know.

You should be more worried about your W finding out that you were keeping secrets from her.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Nothing more needs to be said. Stop your squeamishness and tell your wife. 

She'd be mad at you telling her?

Guess what, she be even more pissed if you DON'T and she finds out from someone else or catches you. Then she'll think you were wanting it so just let her know already.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I would be really worried about telling my wife about this. I've asked the friend to stop acting the way she is, and she said we went doing anything wrong. Is she for real? I'm just worried about this. I don't know what she's after. Am I over reacting to this?


Her moral compass is obviously BROKEN. 

Don't make the mistake of not telling your wife. You run the risk of pissing this other woman off through rejection, and she can run straight to your wife and let her know "her truth" and all the sudden you were the one pursuing her, the one that kissed her, and that shes so sorry she didnt tell her earlier. 

If this REALLY was just A KISS. Tell your wife.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Think about setting up a video camera somewhere and tape the woman groping you

Then tell the wife all that has happened. Once you go to the tape, she'll believe you


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

If you're worried about your wife losing a 'friend' if you tell her, then don't be - this woman is not 'best friend' material if she's chasing her best friend's husband. Tell your wife.

*Don't be alone with this woman.* ALWAYS have your wife within arms reach when you're around her friend, or make sure there are other people you know nearby and paying attention (i.e. engaged in conversation).


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I would be really worried about telling my wife about this. I've asked the friend to stop acting the way she is, and she said we went doing anything wrong. Is she for real? I'm just worried about this. I don't know what she's after. Am I over reacting to this?


Do you realize that you are now conspiring with the "friend" to keep a secret from your wife? Think about that. When your wife finds out, and she will, this betrayal will be huge because you are sharing this "secret" with her so-called best friend.

Stop. Tell your wife everything now. Do not conspire with this other woman. Do not share a secret with her. Do not make things worse. Tell your wife. Now. Please.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Nothing more needs to be said. Stop your squeamishness and tell your wife.
> 
> She'd be mad at you telling her?
> 
> Guess what, she be even more pissed if you DON'T and she finds out from someone else or catches you. Then she'll think you were wanting it so just let her know already.




This couldn't have been worded any better in my opinion. This is exactly what you need to do and/or think about. Great call Kasler


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

They are like sisters, so close, I can't believe her friend is acting like this. I will stay away from her, make sure I'm never alone with her. This would devastate my wife I just don't want to do that to her.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> They are like sisters, so close, I can't believe her friend is acting like this. I will stay away from her, make sure I'm never alone with her. This would devastate Katie, I just don't want to do that to her.


You've been given your advice take it or don't

You seem deadset on not telling her so I don't know what you're asking for advice for in the first place.

Also your post is sounding somewhat fake at this point, and name dropping your wife didn't help.

On the off chance this is real. Your wife will get over it, period. If shes such a close friend you will undoubtedly be in close proximity with her frequently so your "I'll stay away" won't work and this will just blow up in your face.

Know what would devastate her more? Her thinking that her 'like a sister' friend is banging her husband.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Based on the suggestions mentioned aboue, I think you KNOW what you have to do. If you choose to not bring your wife into this, you will pay for it later. Fess up!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> They are like sisters, so close, I can't believe her friend is acting like this. I will stay away from her, make sure I'm never alone with her. This would devastate Katie, I just don't want to do that to her.


I see. So this "friend" is more important to you than your wife or saving your marriage.

Carry on then.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You've been given your advice take it or don't
> 
> You seem deadset on not telling her so I don't know what you're asking for advice for in the first place.
> 
> ...


Didn't even realise I did that, edited. 

It's not that I'm dead set against telling her, it's just that I'm worried about how she will react.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I see. So this "friend" is more important to you than your wife or saving your marriage.
> 
> Carry on then.


She isn't more important at all. I didn't say that. I'm worried she won't believe me


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> She isn't more important at all. I didn't say that. I'm worried she won't believe me


Why would she not?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

She won't believe you if somehow she finds out some other way.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> She won't believe you if somehow she finds out some other way.



:iagree:

And she will find out.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

What survivorwife said!

If you hide, chances are the gf herself will out you to break up the marriage and get you for herself...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I reckon you probably did more with her friend. That is why you are so worried. That is why you name dropped Katie. Are you hoping that when you tell your wife, and her friend says 'actually this happened', then you can show her this thread and 'prove' your innocence.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> I reckon you probably did more with her friend. That is why you are so worried. That is why you name dropped Katie. Are you hoping that when you tell your wife, and her friend says 'actually this happened', then you can show her this thread and 'prove' your innocence.


That's not true, I didn't mean to do that, I've edited it out. I love my wife, the friend isn't anything compared to her. I will tell her, I'm just saying it will hurt her so much, a betrayal from her friend like that.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You could get a small digital recorder and record yourself telling the friend to please stop the flirtatous behavior, that it's inappropriate and you love your wife. She'll say something, anything, and that's all you need.

Then stay away from her, avoid being alone with her and if you find yourself alone with her anyway and if she persists, firmly yell at her to "leave you the Hell alone". 

If she tries to sucker punch you by lying to your wife, you've got the recorded evidence.

Otherwise just let the situation rest.

Problem here is that you're a bit guilty because you "forgot yourself and kissed her back" whatever that means, it's not good and your wife won't take it well if she hears it from her friend and you can deny but it would be a lie.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> That's not true, I didn't mean to do that, I've edited it out. I love my wife, the friend isn't anything compared to her. I will tell her, I'm just saying it will hurt her so much, a betrayal from her friend like that.


Yes. It will hurt. But imagine how much it would hurt if she caught you or heard about it from someone who saw it. 

Think of it this way: Truth now or begging her forgiveness later for lying. And not telling is lying by omission.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

The kiss was nothing, I pulled away almost instantly. Me and my wife have a good marriage, I would never even look at another women, my wife is the only women I have been with. I just have to trust that she believes me even if her friend tries to lie about what happened.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're her husband. She'll believe you


Now go to it.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

AF, its been my experience that some friends want what the other friend has. Also there are friends that secretly can't stand for the the friend to have something they don't have.
AND, there are friends that a secretly jealouse.

This friends sound like one of two type. 1. wants to bang you to have a secret to smirk about. 2. The type that will bang you just to tell your wife later, to satify her feels of why her and not me.

Either way, you have to tell your wife NOW. I bet you that if your wife walk up on her hugging and trying to kiss you, that friend will blame it all on you. Telling your wife you been trying to hit on her for a long time.

Just watch and see.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You're her husband. She'll believe you
> 
> 
> Now go to it.


Not without proof!

You don't know she'll take his word for it over her lifelong friend.

Could go either way.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Not without proof!
> 
> You don't know she'll take his word for it over her lifelong friend.
> 
> Could go either way.


What "word" are you referring to?

H: "I Kissed your friend"

F: "No he didn't"?

If that is what actually happened, then what could the "friend" say to contradict the story? That there was more to it? Which would automatically imply that friend was involved.

The W gets to look her H in the eye when he tells his story. She will know the truth. If the issue THEN becomes who came on to whom, then she either believes her H or her friend; either option will be hurtful to the W. So, technically, the first one that reaches the W's ear has a better chance of being believable.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Not without proof!
> 
> You don't know she'll take his word for it over her lifelong friend.
> 
> Could go either way.


Doesn't need proof. 

Hes her husband, thats more than enough.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Doesn't need proof.
> 
> Hes her husband, thats more than enough.


Maybe for you.

But he's not worried about what _you_ think.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> What "word" are you referring to?
> 
> H: "I Kissed your friend"
> 
> ...


I wouldn't go there with the "I kissed your friend" right off the bat. I'd approach it more along the lines of "your friend keeps coming on to me, I bet if I said ok, she'd take out my penis and start sucking it".

Why admit to his one and only transgression in the opening line?

If it comes up he can say "Yeah I sort of gave her a smack on the cheek or whatever just to get her to leave me alone".


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Maybe for you.
> 
> But he's not worried about what _you_ think.


What are you talking about? I didn't insert my personal opinion. 

It is enough. In a functional marriage, no one should be above husband and wife when it comes to trust and confidence, period. 

And if this best friend was, I think OP would be posting a very very different kind of thread.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Doesn't need proof.
> 
> Hes her husband, thats more than enough.


Completely agree. Look, you're husband and wife. You're supposed to be a team facing what life throws at you, for better or worse, no? Tell her there's a problem and that she's a necessary part of the team, that the solution requires both of you.

Keeping it under wraps will seriously hurt her when/if she finds out.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> What are you talking about? I didn't insert my personal opinion.


The rest of your post quoted below, and most if not all your others (just like every other poster -unless citing a reference or statistic or study or fact or something like that- are strictly your own personal opinion.



Kasler said:


> It is enough. In a functional marriage, no one should be above husband and wife when it comes to trust and confidence, period.
> 
> And if this best friend was, I think OP would be posting a very very different kind of thread.


"Functional Marriage" for the most part is an oxymoron.

How do you know his marriage is functional ?


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Despite how I may have come across, I love my wife, we are happily married. I guess I was looking for a way not to hurt her feelings about her friend. I didn't do anything wrong, I pulled away after a milisecond of shock. I have to trust she believes me, because she knows she is the only women I even notice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> Despite how I may have come across, I love my wife, we are happily married. I guess I was looking for a way not to hurt her feelings about her friend. I didn't do anything wrong, I pulled away after a milisecond of shock. I have to trust she believes me, because she knows she is the only women I even notice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The advice on this thread seems to be along the lines of:

- Say and do nothing
- Tell the friend to leave you alone
- Get proof (such as a recording) and then tell your wife what's going on
- Just tell your wife everything immediately, you don't need proof because your wife will believe you over her friend because you're her husband.

Please update this thread with your decision and the results.

That way we can learn from your experience and continue to help others who may follow.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> Despite how I may have come across, I love my wife, we are happily married. I guess I was looking for a way not to hurt her feelings about her friend. I didn't do anything wrong, I pulled away after a milisecond of shock. I have to trust she believes me, because she knows she is the only women I even notice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, that's great then, isn't it? Love and trust is it. So the problem is difficult and sensitive, but not fundamental.

And for the record, I will add to the chorus that this woman is not your wife's friend. Unless your wife is very unusual, she will get that.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> The rest of your post quoted below, and most if not all your others (just like every other poster -unless citing a reference or statistic or study or fact or something like that- are strictly your own personal opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why are you so needlessly critical? And do you really want to argue semantics? 

Anyways, not the place. 

OP, you need to tell your wife. 

you're married, whatever life throws at you its better for you two to handle it together. 

Going off on a foolish venture of little contact to someone who will ALWAYS be around isn't good for anybody. 

Please, all it takes is for her to walk into a room at the wrong time unnoticed and she can see something that could cause her to lose all trust in you. 

Tell her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's not your wife's best friend.

She's your wife's worst enemy.

You are looking at things the wrong way.

Do you want someone in your wife's life that is fixing to do her harm?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hicks said:


> She's not your wife's best friend.
> 
> She's your wife's worst enemy.
> 
> ...


Absolutely...your wife needs to know who her friend REALLY is.
She doesn't really know her... if the friend is capable of this (desired) betrayal! 

You need to do the right thing? If you W finds out some other way you will lose her trust and the fall out will be much much bigger.

Be brave and loving....all the best.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> That's not true, I didn't mean to do that, I've edited it out. I love my wife, the friend isn't anything compared to her. I will tell her, I'm just saying it will hurt her so much, a betrayal from her friend like that.


I apologise if I am wrong.

If your wife's friend has done this, no doubt you are not the first. If her personality is such that she tries it on with her best friend's husband, that is a woman with very loose morals. Your wife, I hope, will be aware of her friend's loose morals, I guess would be a question of 'but she would never do that to me' and so although it would be very upsetting for her, it may not come as a huge surprise once the anger and upset subsides.

I think having some evidence is a great idea. I think you would be a fool not to get some. A woman who is prepared to do this to her best friend probably won't think twice about blaming it ALL on you and saving her ass at the expense of your marriage.

I had a friend once who had this exact scenario. She had already fallen out with me, her 2nd best friend, so I am not aware of all the details, but there was a question of her and her 1st best friend's husband. They were always very flirty with each other, particularly her to him. Very touchy feely. I don't know who told the wife 1st, friend or hubby, but they both said the other had tried it on with them. Who knows which one was telling truth. I have a feeling it wad the hubby who told his wife 1st. Obviously, the friendship no longer exists. But the marriage does. Record it on your phone, voice, camera, or a var, but cover your back.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> because she knows she is the only women I even notice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love this! I wish this was my man (ex man now) talking about his feelings for me.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And I join the chorus.

This woman IS NOT your wife's friend. 

You are doing your wife a favour by telling her. A big favour. Get rid of this vile friend.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> I apologise if I am wrong.
> 
> If your wife's friend has done this, no doubt you are not the first. If her personality is such that she tries it on with her best friend's husband, that is a woman with very loose morals. Your wife, I hope, will be aware of her friend's loose morals, I guess would be a question of 'but she would never do that to me' and so although it would be very upsetting for her, it may not come as a huge surprise once the anger and upset subsides.
> 
> ...


The only actual evidence I have is some text messages she sent me, i know my wife wouldn't be happy that she is texting me like that. I just feel bad that she trusts this person, it will hurt her a lot to find out what she's really like.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> And I join the chorus.
> 
> This woman IS NOT your wife's friend.
> 
> You are doing your wife a favour by telling her. A big favour. Get rid of this vile friend.


Its true, she can't be a friend at all, she obviously only cares about herself. She loves herself, she just thinks she can everything she wants whenever she wants. She's very deluded


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Don't tell her. Bury it. Keep the status quo. Maybe the other woman will give up. Enjoy the kiss. I'm sure more are coming your way. Maybe a BJ or two. You're wife's friendship with this woman is far more important than any damage she could do to your marrige after all.


NOT!



Stop talking to us about this until you tell her. We'll help you with the fallout.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to tell your wife asap. You will have to show her the texts. If she has believing you, then suggest making a recording of the scenario where you tell the friend you are uncomfortable, you love your wife, she needs to stop, and I'd go one further and add she can't be around you or your wife anymore just for good measure. That ought to provide your wife with what she needs to see what 'friend' is truly like.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are right.

Your wife will feel very sad & angry about her friend.

I wish you didn't kiss back or accept secret texts from her.

Well come clean to your wife.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You are right.
> 
> Your wife will feel very sad & angry about her friend.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say I kissed back, I was stunned for a second, then pulled away immediately. But yes, wife needs to know what this women is like.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ArcadeFire said:


> I need help on a really awkward situation . My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We were very young when we got married, both 18. Things have been great, get on really well.
> 
> Problem is her best friend. She is really inappropriate around me. She touches me when my wife isn't looking, says things to me she shouldn't be saying. Once she went to kiss me and for 2 seconds I forgot myself and kissed back, I immediately pulled away. But now I feel like I have cheated. I don't know how to deal with this. My wife and this women are best friends, they have known each other all her life, it would really hurt her to know how she is acting. I don't know why she is doing it.


It is hurting your wifes marriage not knowing how this person is acting. Your wife needs to know. 

You very well may be setup by this person. She could tell your wife you were coming on to her.

Anyway, I would not put up with it and not telling your wife is enabling the best friend. In fact you and her best friend are sharing secrets right now. Not good. They call that .... being unfaithful.

The question is now, are you your wifes best friend? If you keep secrets with other woman you are an unfaithful husband. if you tell your wife you are being a faithful husband and her best friend. Go for that option.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

I told my wife about what her friend is doing this morning, don't know if I would have worked up the courage if I hadn't have come here for advice. 

She's really upset, she hasn't contacted her friend yet or anything, but she said I should have told her earlier. We are fine, she believes me, although of course I am expecting her friend will lie to try and shift the blame onto me. Turns out quite a few of my wife's friends straight up don't like this girl, I'm wondering if she has done something similar in the past, my wife usually tries to see the good in people and has defended this girl because she knows her all her life. I showed her the text messages ( I saved them) and she agrees that they are inappropriate 

I feel way better for telling her, as a few of you guys have mentioned this women isn't her friend, and I had to protect her from that


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Well done! Brilliant. Very well done you.

Let us know what happens with the 'friend'. Have you chatted with your wife about the possibilities of what might happen, the fact she will probably accuse you?


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> Well done! Brilliant. Very well done you.
> 
> Let us know what happens with the 'friend'. Have you chatted with your wife about the possibilities of what might happen, the fact she will probably accuse you?


Well we've discussed the fact that she will at least deny it, and probably even try and say it was all me. My wife knows I'm not interested in her friend or anyone else.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Good job!

See, what did we tell ya? 

Don't need proof or none of that, just gotta come to her with the truth.

Now you two are handling this together, as a married couple should.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is great news!

If your wife presses you on why you didn't tell her earlier, tell her the truth. Always the truth. Tell her something like this had never happened to you, you didn't know what to do. It took you some time, but you knew in your heart that this woman wasn't a friend of any kind & you refuse to let someone like that come between the two of you.

You can also do what my H does & plead 'Every Man's Fifth Amendment' - "Hey, I'm a guy. How am I supposed to know how to handle things like this"?


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

I think most of the betrayed spouses on this site would agree that it wasn't the actual sordid, emotional/sexual details of the betrayal (kiss, sex, pictures, whatever), but the lies, deceit, minimizing, rationalizing, etc, that destroyed them more than anything. Coming clean, so to speak, quickly, was absolutely the right thing to do. Your wife will need time to process what's just happened, and will need to be allowed to be pissed off, and allowed to ask you the same questions a million times, and maybe not trust you in every way right off the bat. But, keep telling the truth, every single time, don't hold a single back when she asks, and never get pissed or frustrated. And she'll see the truth. And her "friend" will get kicked to the curb and all will be well.

But if you get frustrated, change your answers, hold back anything, I guarantee she'll flush that out. And it'll be her sensing you're lying or hiding that will hurt her the most, not some random kiss instigated by her trampy home-wrecking soon-to-be-ex-friend.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Well we've discussed the fact that she will at least deny it, and probably even try and say it was all me. My wife knows I'm not interested in her friend or anyone else


Offer your wife a 3 way phone call, a set up to "OW" in which he reiterates she's being innapropiate and she'd have to defend her actions as something silly. Furthermore you both can draft a "script" in which OW can hung herself by confessing her in interest at him and into deceiveing BW at the same time.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> I wouldn't say I kissed back, I was stunned for a second, then pulled away immediately. But yes, wife needs to know what this women is like.


Ok, so you sort of got confused; at the time you thought she was just being friendly and affectionate so you responded that way, and afterwards realized she might have meant it in a sexual way and you felt uncomfortable and that's why you decided to tell her not to do it anymore.

That works.

Make sure you tell your wife that and stick with it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

So now that that crisis is past, do you want some advice so that you never have to come post a usual horror story in this forum? Btw what actually brought you here in the first place? An excellent move, if I say so myself!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

ArcadeFire said:


> I told my wife about what her friend is doing this morning, don't know if I would have worked up the courage if I hadn't have come here for advice.
> 
> She's really upset, she hasn't contacted her friend yet or anything, but she said I should have told her earlier. We are fine, she believes me, although of course I am expecting her friend will lie to try and shift the blame onto me. Turns out quite a few of my wife's friends straight up don't like this girl, I'm wondering if she has done something similar in the past, my wife usually tries to see the good in people and has defended this girl because she knows her all her life. I showed her the text messages ( I saved them) and she agrees that they are inappropriate
> 
> I feel way better for telling her, as a few of you guys have mentioned this women isn't her friend, and I had to protect her from that


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
Way to go! See? Doesn't that feel better?


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> So now that that crisis is past, do you want some advice so that you never have to come post a usual horror story in this forum? Btw what actually brought you here in the first place? An excellent move, if I say so myself!


Was doing google searches, and a thread from here came up. A chance encounter, but boy was it worth it


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

Wife has confronted her friend about this, I wasn't there. Wife says that friend said that it was only a bit of harmless flirting and that nothing happened. Don't think my wife can get her head around how her friend can "harmlessly flirt" with her husband. Basically told her to never contact me again. Basically she can't trust her, don't think she will stay friends with her to be honest the way she was talking, hope she dosnt .


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> So now that that crisis is past, do you want some advice so that you never have to come post a usual horror story in this forum? Btw what actually brought you here in the first place? An excellent move, if I say so myself!


I agree!

Now that you are here it is definitely worth finding out good positive ways to ensure you never have the misfortune of coming here again. Positive healthy boundaries, knowing warning signs, and how best to deal with those warning signs. It is good to be educated! Even if you will never need it. And if you don't (I hope you don't), you will no doubt have a friend who will at some point. 

Best of luck to you both.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> Wife has confronted her friend about this, I wasn't there. Wife says that friend said that it was only a bit of harmless flirting and that nothing happened. Don't think my wife can get her head around how her friend can "harmlessly flirt" with her husband. Basically told her to never contact me again. Basically she can't trust her, don't think she will stay friends with her to be honest the way she was talking, hope she dosnt .


It's really nice to see strong, positive outcomes. Good luck to both of you!

Re whether your wife stays friends with the not-really-a-friend friend: One thing that is really striking about the stories here is that people are very reluctant to simply declare boundaries. They are afraid of being impolite, controlling, invasive, etc. They seem to fear the appearance of being 'unreasonable' with their spouses. We seem to have lost somehow the recognition of healthy boundaries and the confidence to express and defend them.

It is healthy to know what is OK in a marriage & what crosses a line; it's OK to be able to state that clearly and with confidence. In fact, I would argue, it is far preferable to sitting and stewing in silence as you watch your marriage go over a cliff.

Why not just tell your wife that the two of you should decide that this so-called friend has no place in your lives & then do it? Cast her out & go have your lives together.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> So now that that crisis is past, do you want some advice so that you never have to come post a usual horror story in this forum? Btw what actually brought you here in the first place? An excellent move, if I say so myself!


It couldn't do any harm, Ive been reading this forum for a couple of days. Seems a great place to get some sensible advice. Definitely worth staying on this forum.


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It's really nice to see strong, positive outcomes. Good luck to both of you!
> 
> Re whether your wife stays friends with the not-really-a-friend friend: One thing that is really striking about the stories here is that people are very reluctant to simply declare boundaries. They are afraid of being impolite, controlling, invasive, etc. They seem to fear the appearance of being 'unreasonable' with their spouses. We seem to have lost somehow the recognition of healthy boundaries and the confidence to express and defend them.
> 
> ...



My wife dosnt want anything to do with the friend at the minute. I mean with friends like her who needs enemies, right?


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

ArcadeFire said:


> My wife dosnt want anything to do with the friend at the minute. I mean with friends like her who needs enemies, right?


No she doesn't. And you've proven YOU are a good friend by telling her. Great job ArcadeFire :smthumbup:


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

LastUnicorn said:


> No she doesn't. And you've proven YOU are a good friend by telling her. Great job ArcadeFire :smthumbup:


I hope so, it's difficult for her to come to terms with her friends behaviour. I just hope she feels comfortable that she can trust in me. She has other friends who are better people than this particular person


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The most important things in your relationship are the little things. The ways you show her that you love and value her everyday. Things that show you don't take her for granted. Like finding her to say hello or good bye when you come or go. Like putting your dirty clothes in the laundry basket instead of dropping them on the floor beside it. Like helping out around the house, doing your fair share of chores, to a high standard. 
Good communication is a key too. Your situation is s prime example. You need to trust her enough to be able to bring up tough subjects. Trust her to be able to talk about conflicts and issues openly and honestly. If you have a strong difference of opinion, at least attempt to see things from her perspective and see if there is a compromise somewhere in the m iddle, that can satisfy you both. Or at least you can paraphrase what she's saying, and you can demonstrate that you understand her concerns.

That's a start. I'll post more when I have time.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ArcadeFire said:


> I need help on a really awkward situation . My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We were very young when we got married, both 18. Things have been great, get on really well.
> 
> Problem is her best friend. She is really inappropriate around me. She touches me when my wife isn't looking, says things to me she shouldn't be saying. Once she went to kiss me and for 2 seconds I forgot myself and kissed back, I immediately pulled away. But now I feel like I have cheated. I don't know how to deal with this. My wife and this women are best friends, they have known each other all her life, it would really hurt her to know how she is acting. I don't know why she is doing it.


Jumping in a little late here, but the woman would no longer be a friend of mine once that detail was disclosed. Last year a friend of mine got a little too chummy with my H. That was the end of her; why take the risk?


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## ArcadeFire (Sep 21, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Jumping in a little late here, but the woman would no longer be a friend of mine once that detail was disclosed. Last year a friend of mine got a little too chummy with my H. That was the end of her; why take the risk?


I think my wife will take a similar view of this women, she dosnt seem to want anything to do with her for now. She got a little insecure today about it.


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