# Coping with the speed of light



## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Things have developed at the speed of light and I try very hard to stay sane, be adult and process this as quick as possible.

Been married to this petite pretty wife for 10y and a total of 16y together. Up to a month ago not only loved her but still pretty much in love too -- sooo this was a hell of a shock to me. We have just started with empty nest stage and was looking forward spending time with her.

Ok, so things were not too great, but we still talked, made love and bathed together. Just moved into a new house two months ago and looking at the way forward. The week before I get a bit of a surprise when she flattens me on the bed and is the busy instigator. 

Then on Friday night 7Dec we sit in the bath together and she starts talking about us thinking seriously about our relationship and what we were to do forward. Monday night again in the bath together she suddenly wants a divorce. The following Thursday morning we wake up and end up making love. Friday 14Dec she goes to work, attends a eve function and does not return until late Sat afternoon - ok I was away up country that Sat till Mon. Got back Mon eve and as usual ended up in the bath tub. Now I am informed about OM - it be one of the directors at work - and how things are going to work from now.

As our financials does not really allow us to split up the residence at the moment, and I am between jobs, I have to agree to the following arangement. She will sleep out every Son Wed and Friday eve and be at home the other evenings. Basically the OM has custody of 3 young kids and on the evenings she is out is when the kids are at his x place. Whatever.

So in short I was informed of a divorce on a Mon and on Fri she moved in with the boss. But this has not been an ongoing affair the usual way - and all the stories check out to this. STBXW starts new job in May, boss (OM) thinks she is pretty too and hands his keys to her and tells her to keep it. So the seed is planted and slowly grows for a few months via media chats (OM office in another location 20miles away) and the odd meetings at work. STBXW suddenly in December decides to take up his offer and then have drinks together after work that same Fri eve when she said we need to look at or marrige in the bathtub. The following Fr she sleeps over at his place but then only end up getting into bed together that Mon I was told of OM. Hit me with a stick to believe this, but the story does add up. So basically she has now comitted to a relationship with her boss before even sleeping with him :scratchhead:

Right, her argument now is that because I was informed of the seperation, and she only bedded him after we were in seperation - it is not cheating and this EA is now justified.

Here I am, packing my wife's overnight bag and kiss her good-bye on her way to OM 3 times a week. Aparently she has emotionally divorced me more than a year ago allready. I try to keep a straight face with my guts in incredible turmoil, and then we end up once again in the bathtub together on the nights she is here discussing our short term "future". Oh we still sleep in the same bed and ended up making love on new years eve, new years day and again the 10th of Jan.

That's enough typing for now on the details - for now I need to sort my head as quick as possible, process this and move on. It is not easy being "the left behind", but at 50 I still got some life ahead and got to move through this rebound with a clear head.

Got plent Q's, but thats enough for now


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Joburg....I am sorry that you are going through this. I do not have much in the way of help, as I am still trying to find my way. The only thing I would do, and I'm not sure if this is the correct way to go about things, but I would contact her place of work, and let them know about the affair. Most companies frown on coworker's dating, and that could force her out of that relationship. If your goal is to keep her, you will never stand a chance if there is another man in the picture. But, this could backfire, and if she feels like she is in love, you could force her hand to quit her job, so she could stay with him. I guess it depends on what path you feel you need to take.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

First off I would stop kissing her. Stop bathing with her. Stop sleeping in the same bed. And stop having sex with her. 

She is cake eating and you are letting her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

If she is done. Be done with her. 

No half way. 

Pull back. 

Read up on the 180. 

Gather evidence and expose her affair.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Lost Hunter - done that with the work and only came to the conclusion that anything that I do, or action that I take from now on, will turn me into the raving idiot. So I turned my back and will walk away.
Zillard my head was in such a spin at first that I held onto any affection that came my way - plz forgive me for that. She has been playing me and her affection has just been to sooth for the next step. Wil not persue to expose the affair as explained above, I need to turn my back and save myself.

The one Q here is who is gonna get hurt? Forget me for a moment, I am hurting allready. Can she be so sorted and emotionally detached that walking straight into the next relationship is going to work? He is a very well qualified top notch business man with top business degrees - way above her normal life. This is also his first relationship after his lengthy D. There are very young kids involved - or should I not think about this?


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

To put some more perspective as to where I stand after a month, this is quoted from an e-mail I sent the STBXW yesterday.



> Hi *******,
> 
> It is my marrige that is dead - not me. My heart still beats and my soul still yearns for an attatchment to another. This is an opportunity to grow.
> 
> ...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg said:


> Zillard my head was in such a spin at first that I held onto any affection that came my way - plz forgive me for that. She has been playing me and her affection has just been to sooth for the next step. Wil not persue to expose the affair as explained above, I need to turn my back and save myself.


Nothing to forgive. I craved and searched for affection after mine dropped the bomb too. But quickly saw it was only enabling her to cake eat and made me look pathetic. Of course you held onto it. She meant the world to you. I know how you feel and don't judge you because of it.



Joburg said:


> The one Q here is who is gonna get hurt? Forget me for a moment, I am hurting allready. Can she be so sorted and emotionally detached that walking straight into the next relationship is going to work? He is a very well qualified top notch lawer with top business degrees (and his own aircraft) - way above her normal life. This is also his first relationship after his lengthy D.


Very low chances of it working out. She ran! She is not working on herself. You are. You will be in a much better position to have a lasting relationship after this if you heal properly. He will probably have trouble trusting her. She will eventually get to the end of a honeymoon experience and probably run again.



Joburg said:


> There are kids of 4,7 and 10 involved - or should I not think about this?


Don't think about stbxw and posOM. But definitely think of the kids! Are they yours?


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Zillard, no the kids are those of om. Our kids are grown up and out of house, now she is diving back into "mommy" role head first. She says that she is ready and looking forward to this, but she is tired as well and most likely after the new lyfestyle and just accepting the kids as "got to cope with this" to make it work?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Joburg,

If you are unwilling to expose her at work, you should at least expose her to her family, your family and your kids as well as your friends. This act of exposure is necessary if you'd ever want a chance of a reconciliation

Your approach to this entire affair has done nothing but to cause you further damage. Do not beg, plead or grovel to her. You need to be strong!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg said:


> Zillard, no the kids are those of her new lover. Our kids are grown up and out of house, now she is diving back into "mommy" role head first. She says that she is ready and looking forward to this, but she is tired as well and most likely after the new lyfestyle and just accepting the kids as "got to cope with this" to make it work?


Don't worry about those kids. None of your concern and out of your control.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Toffer, this is where I was the dinosaur. was oblivious to the ongoing "D" organised with her family via social media - so they have bought into this arrangement.
Agree with your second line, I will walk away to save myself and grow into a new future. Friggin hell - easy to say and darn hard to do, but thats what is gonna happen here.
Z, gotcha.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

I am having this insane experience - now that this has happened, she is turning old right in front of my eyes.
As stated above, she is petite and pretty and going on 43. Now that the magic love spell has been broken, it is just uncanny how she has now aged in front of my eyes in a matter of a month to a very mature lady. I at times just stare at her now when she is here noticing all the wrinkels and spots I never noticed before.
Am I nuts?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Wait a minute....you pack her overnight bag for her? Do you pick out her sexy lingerie and fold it neatly?

I am dumbfounded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Sending her on her way with a smile now - even if I had to take her car battery out she will still find a way to go. It is now her life and her choice - taking 180 seriously and now, concentrating on getting my emotions and feelings sorted with a straight back and lifted chin.

Seriously - she is not as sorted as she appears to be. If this new love of hers may perhaps crash one day - it is me who is going to be ready.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

If you're packing her panties, at least put some itching powder or yeast in them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

So it has been one month now that she has been visiting posOM. Slowly starting to come to grips and starting to see through all this bs. I am so plan B it is actually scary obvious. OM took a chance on a married woman and STBXW grabbed this opportunity to shift a lot of blame and made a run for it. Wow, now that I stopped trying to find out what happened - the answers start rolling in by themselves. She has told everyone at work that we were seperated in May allready - what bs.
I have sort of skipped anger and perhaps been the nice guy. Dunno why but it has given me some time to come to grips. Been thinking of crashing plan B and been sorting everything in the house out whislt she is with OM. I am soooo ready to move out in an instant now - she is flying so high on this new love that she has not noticed anything yet - I am still seen as the sorry sod trying to make amends.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It bothers me that you are plan B, what are you going to do about it? Whyis she making all the rules? She is treating you like a doormat! I hope you don't kiss, bathe, have sex anymore. Please tell me you've stopped. Stop folding her clothes. Why is she still in the house? I suggest you change the locks and tell.her she no longer lives there. I can't believe she gets to go to her posOM and then come home when it's not convenient! Have you sought IC? You may want to read No Mr Nice Guy. Keep posting and read the threads in TAM, there is a lot of good advice here. I'm just angry on your behalf, she has treated you like crap. Please find your self respect. You need to get out more, do you have any hobbies? Gym? You need to make some boundaries in your life or she will cake eat for as long as you allow it. You deserve so much more than this.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Thanks Chopsy, been reading a lot on this forum and other that has put a lot of things into perspective. 
Stbxw has one goal in life and that is to be a stay at home wife with freedom of movement. I fell into that trap and she got involved in my businesses ending up with her spending and hiding the spending so well that it destroyed the businesses. Now that that prostective future with me has run out - she has moved on to the new target. 
Now that OM has fallen for her charm, it is suddenly so clear to me how fast she is ajusting and justifying changes to fit into this new lyfestyle that is way above her norm. Like he has small kinds and she hates kids, but now suddenly this weekend she is to meet the kids and she is all cooooey. So the joint home is important to her to escape to and use as base to rather visit OM than to stay there full time and cope with a new life. If I had to drop the joint home, she would have to move in with her sisters and that is a very depressing prospect for her.
Further she is driving a car regestered on my name to visit OM 30 odd miles away 3 times a week!!!! 
She is very confidant that I will not go anywhere. I have moved a lot of stuff out to a friends allready for storeage and she has not yet noticed.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Right you know why she is doing these things. Now you have to set up some boundaries. Take the car off her for starts. And kick her out for gods sake! Let her have to sort her life for herself instead of relying on you as backup! She will continue to do these things as long as you allow her to. She needs to have consequences for her actions. And you need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. 

I can't remember if you exposed her? If not, do so now. 

You have no chance of healing if she continues to cake eat and use you for her own selfish needs. You deserve better!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You realize she thinks their "relationship" is a bigger deal than he does, right? Once she tries to get him to committ he'll be gone. You need a girlfriend. Stat. Otherwise you'll be vulnerable to her when she comes desperately crawling back.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Chopsy - exposing the affair at work just backfired and made me look bad. OM and stbxw countered very quick and went to full disclosure and even getting blessing from the top boss. I can only asume this got the ok at the company bacause stbxw has been feeding lies at work about het status right from May allready. OM has been trough a lengthy D involving ongoing councelling, so OM has been coaching stbxw and they are now so clever that they can anticipate any move from my side  What kind of respectable company would support employees to have EA - like the bosses can just go for the picking - no wife is safe to work there. It is actually sick.

WorkOM, I have got some friends that are ready to take her on. I also got that figured - he is just sooo lucky that this has fallen into his lap. I is also his first relationship after a lenthy D. I would not be surprised to learn that OM has been sleeping with his X - the signs are there to me. But that is now stbxw's show, it has got nothing to do with me.

Wow, I have an ever increasing group of very amazing friends forming a support group. Some of her GF's have even come over with massive support - trying to protect me from stbxw - I am dumfounded by their verocious turn.

I had bbq at friends last night and slept over. Was surprised to find stbxw back at home this morning. Her meeting with OM's kids was a bit over-exciting so she decided to come home. All chirpy and smiley and made up like a pretty dolly ready to go to OM again. Even got a goodbye pec kiss on the mouth as she left. Amazing that I felt nothing as I closed the driveway gates behind her - my guts are quiet now and did not hurt at all. Actually feels good not to hurt.

Funny thing is that OM is RC and stbxw is a sworn agnostic. She is going to church now - perhaps something good will come from this after all :rofl:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why must you confess your love to someone who obviously had an emotional affair with her boss and then ditched you for him?

Please...
DONT DO THAT AGAIN...

Hell reading that was like watching someone scratch his nails on a blackboard...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg said:


> Even got a goodbye pec kiss on the mouth as she left.


DO NOT kiss her.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

With the help of friends, I have now found a place to stay in a suburb quite far from stbx-home. The plan is to move swiftly next weekend. So by Mon stbxw will find that plan B has crashed. Sort of hurts me to think that I am going to be the nasty one.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg said:


> With the help of friends, I have now found a place to stay in a suburb quite far from stbx-home. The plan is to move swiftly next weekend. So by Mon stbxw will find that plan B has crashed. Sort of hurts me to think that I am going to be the nasty one.


That's healthy. Not nasty. What's nasty about it? 

You got tossed in the dirt... so you're dusting off and standing up!


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Because it is going to be a stealth move that is going to bring Alice in Wonderland back to earth. I cannot discuss this with her - she is going to manipulate and get me mushy brained. The result is going to be that she is going to have to pack up the broken home on her own and move in with her sister.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You're doing the right thing, she must face the full consequence of her actions.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Eishh, been sorting through stuff getting ready for the move. Just found the card I gave her on our 10th A in September. That pulled my handrake up - geez I wrote such nice things......


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg said:


> Eishh, been sorting through stuff getting ready for the move. Just found the card I gave her on our 10th A in September. That pulled my handrake up - geez I wrote such nice things......


Either burn it or pack it with her stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> That pulled my handrake up - geez I wrote such nice things......


Aren't you even p-ssed? Of course you wrote such nice things and look how she repays you!

Fk it, and move on.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

You really need to be strong now and think only of yourself. Man it pisses me off she has had such an easy ride. You are enabling this unless you get out and move on, looking out only for you. She is trash. Sorry I mistyped the name of the book I wanted to recommend, it's called. No More Mr Nice Guy. There are lots of good suggestions on TAM, search books and you'll get more ideas. As well people here can recommend some if you ask. Are you in IC yet?? If not, get yourself to a counsellor. I'm not entirely clear why you have to move, couldn't you just change the locks? Maybe I missed something. You deserve to be treated with respect. She is not giving that to you and you should be prepared to stand up for yourself.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

I am now soooo ready to move on Monday - a whole team of friends standing by to do the move. 
So this past Mon decided not to be the snake and wanted to discuss the move with stbxw. Wow, just the decision to move has given me a hell of a boost - like up to now I have always been fighting from the back foot - it just felt so good to take some controll again. So stbxw comes home from work all chirpy and somehow there was something of the old back there. Anyways was a positive eve talking practical issues. I am feeling confidant about my move. Geez ended up as usual in the bathtub together - was actually pleasant.

Sooooooooooo somewhere in the middle of the night it just happened again - like friggen rabbits I kidd you not. You can lambaste me whatever - my job here is now done. Stbxw was in a realy foul mood scince then.

Three more days and then I will be with friends - my first start to a new future. Last night was the last time stbxw and I were to be in the same home together.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Some other things that I have noticed - and perhaps I am starting to see stbxw trough other eyes - and perhaps the fact that I have been very calm towards her and this issue - she actually trusts me to reveal a few snippets. Wow, this EA with OM is based on a lot of half truths, omitting of facts and some lies as well. She is confidant that she is handling just fine and this EA is just perfect - and then she went into full pannic mode this week about being pregnant. Well I know her too well, she is very stressed and shows all her usual telltale nervous twitches - I see this now oh so clearly.

Please hel no - do not let me ever start a new relationship with someone like that...............not going back to that honey pot either, suddenly I am really disgusted that I tried to hang on.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Joburg, 

I could be wrong, but this is the way I see it.

She came home. You talked about the move. This scared her. She tested you again with sex. You gave in. Afterward you still plan to move. She sees her hook didn't sink in far enough. She got in a foul mood. Time to step it up. So she tells you she may be pregnant. 

Don't see her nervous signs as confirmation of her pregnancy scare. She has admitted her plan is full of holes and now she is losing Plan B so she is doing anything she can to keep you around as a security blanket.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

ok ok ok - I have now spent many many hours reading a lot on this forum.
So call me a late starter here - so I have been supporting this all along - well now I am ready with the move out Mon. A total cut of all support and the darn car must go as well, it is my credit record and I am not willing to finance this EA at all. 
I am more than half way with Z on his comment above, but one thing is very clear now - she is floating on a cloud detatched from reality - yet everything is very real to her. Eldest son is so close to her and he (now 21) is having real difficulty with her actions (he does not understand concept of EA) and 'cause I have been portrayed as the bad one, I find it difficult to talk to him now. Miss him too around the house, he is now with friends in the next-door varsity town. I will wait for him to come and talk again one day - it will happen I know - also know that I will be made even worse when I have moved out. I find this a bit sticky to handle.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Sunday morning - well actually turned out that last night would be the last eve with stbxw. She came home with the youngest just to let him shower before going off to meet om for pizza and wine in the neighboring town. Getting a bit heartless now.

As usual we end up in the bathtub together - and I know it is the last time. So "hit me with a stick" I said in my first post - she lets slip about having drinks with om on other prior evenings. This ties up with "reading between the lines" om some older comments from her. Bit pointless now gathering info - it is just amazing how the truth starts to roll in now that I have stopped looking for it. 

And yes, still slept in the same bed last night - it is the only bed. Actually slept, no action there - was the last night anyway. Think my move out has come at the right time - wow as her confidance has been growing in the EA, the care-less attitude at the old home has been growing as well. Think stbxw just wants me to be gone now. Starting to brag about a trip to europe with om in the comming months. Stbxw is now om's trophy, but I now know it is a floating trophy 

That is it then, stbxw left me for the last time this morning early to spend the day with om. When she arrives back from work tomorrow evening it would be to an empty home. I will leave her to pack up the remnants and I know how heartbreaking that can be - been doing it myself for a few weeks now. She will now be the left behind.

I will be with friends from now on, all contact from now on with stbxw will be via friends. This is going to hurt me too - big time. It may be a looong time before the kids will talk to me again - that hurts too.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Hell, this packing up of a home is not easy - finding it difficult to concentrate on positive thoughts. Everything hurts. Finished packing and sorting all the small goodies, just now for the big effort tomorrow.

Started reading this forum far too late - so failed the 180 hands down


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

After a bottle of wine, stbxw lets slip to om that I was a great lover. Any woman that ever says anything just remotely similar to me, will plant a seed and screw my head 4eva. That is her bed now.

One more hour and the movers and friends will be here - I am very ready this morning.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Good luck today.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Out !!! moved and here at the new apartment, great team effort, thanks to a lot of friends. Now what?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Good for you Joburg! Glad you're out. Time to start implementing the 180 so you can begin to heal from this. Make a new life for yourself- hang out with friends, meet new people, take up new and old hobbies. Try new things. Get to a gym, the boost from exercise will do you good. Become the man you always wanted to be. Stay strong and don't be calling/texting your stbxw, time to detach now for your own healing.


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

Hey Chops - I did fail the 180 and basically went out in the bathtub here - and some more......
Well now friends have taken my phone, standing here behind my back whilst typing this, may not even log onto my own g-mail account to avoid chat box. I am been escorted off to a neighbouring country by friends next week for a few weeks an a farm to escape signal. That is a black-out for me, realy got great friends.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Wow, am loving your friends!! Wish I had friends like that! And they totally get you need the blackout, no temptation to text/call. Wow. This will do you the world of good. And btw messing up the 180 is no excuse for getting back up on that horse. I can't tell you how often I've messed up my 180, but persevering is worth it. xox


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## Joburg (Jan 16, 2013)

She has now gone ballistic about my move - do not talk to her but hear parts of phone conversations between the friends - she is now officially the victim and I the realy realy bad one.

Gonna sleep now, and soon off to Namibia - soooooo looking forward to this trip.


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