# Should I Quit or Go?



## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi Everyone,

Like everyone on this forum, I'm having marital problems. We've only been married a year and we've had our fair share of problems. To keep you all up to speed, we really started fight back in January. I had just lost a job like many people out there and I went through some really bad depression.

I was so worried about what would become of me and my marriage that all I could ever think about was finding a I job. Day in and day out grew more and more depressed, feeling afraid that I might not be able to support a family and pay off the debt we incurred from our wedding.

My wife tried as hard as she could to cheer me up, but it just dragged her down being around someone so unhappy. She felt like she should've been enough to make me happy through the job loss. But what she doesn't understand is that a man needs to have that security of being the provider and be the one who takes care of the financials of the relationship.

Having little money and not much to do to during the winter, we fell into playing a game called World of Warcraft. The game was really fun and with both enjoyed it, but it went overboard. We were playing the computer video game for over 60 hours per week. I admit I had a problem. While playing the game we met someone who we grew very close to. In fact we even met up in real life for dinner and drinks with his friends that we met in the game.

What started this mess, (or at least I feel like did) was he became increasingly getting closer to my wife. He started sending her emails and even calling her without me knowing. I'm ok with her having friends of the opposite sex, but it seemed like she was purposely hiding it from me. Everyweek tension grew between us because of my insecurity of what this guys intentions were, and eventually I grew angrier and angrier that she was showing less affection to me, and being more friendly to him.

Eventually we came to a point where I made a nasty, immature comment about how he's her virtual husband, and she demanded that we be separated. This was 8 weeks ago. Since then, things have gotten worse. She talks to the guy almost every other day for at least 2 hours on the phone, and I grow angrier and angrier about this situation and how she isn't living up to her vows. I know I have issues with controlling my feelings, but is it irrational to rule out feeling uncomfortable with this situation?

When we meet each other for lunch or dinner, it always end up us fighting. In fact she's grown further apart and is now afraid of me because of my anger. So I decided to take anger management classes and even started taking medication for my depression and anger. I've been trying so hard to make this marriage work, I'm debating if I should cut off all ties and move on, or be more empathetic towards her.

Oh yeah, I should also mention that she was engaged 2 times before but they never went through because the first one they cheated on each other, and the second she didn't get along with her future mother in law.

Any input you can provide is welcome and most appreciated.

Tony


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

by helping yourself, you have already started moving in the right direction. Depression can take a huge toll in a marriage (on both parties). 

Perhaps giving her some time to think of what she really wants will lead her to a decision on where shes going with this. I know its hard, but you can do it. Perhaps this guy is filling a void in her life that you cant identify? You really need to figure out if there is something that you have or have not done that makes her feel like she needs to turn elsewhere. 

Have you considered getting some councelling together? Poor communication is what ultimately caused my wife to give up. Is it at all possible to have an honest discussion with her about each of your feelings without it turning into blaming match? Do you have any kids together?

Im new here as well ,but fear not! Others wiser than I will respond with other thoughts. I sympathize and wish you the best.

Hang in there!


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## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Yeah we have considered going for councelling, but with the aim to improve our communication and not of hopes to get back together. We're supposed to go sometime in July, but I'm not sure how well we're getting along right now so who knows. We got into a big fight on Monday and she feels like I'm a scary person when I get mad.

I haven't found or figured out what makes her need someone else (regardless of gender). I want to be there for her as much as I can, although I know my limitations, but the ones that I feel like she's talking to that guy more than me.

It's impossible for us to have a discussion like that with open honesty. I start pointing out what she's doing wrong, vice versa, then she pushes herself away and I get upset when she does. We do not have kids, but we have the cutest ****er spaniel in the world. I miss that dog so much.

I miss her, but sometimes I get really angry when I realize what I've been put through and how she isn't as empathetic towards me...

Thanks and whatever help or incite that anyone can provide is much appreciated.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Tony,

To be honest, I can understand her saying you scare her when you get mad. I am glad to hear you've started anger management. The bottom line is, you getting angry about this guy will only make things worse and you will likely push her towards him, not away from him.

I can understand being frustrated about the job search, but you need to keep that separate and not take it out on her or you aren't giving her much of a reason to want to be around you. If you can keep your anger in check, you will give yourself a chance to talk openly and calmly with her. 

Choose your words carefully and really listen to her...If she says your anger scares her, acknowledge her and be empathetic...don't come back with 'well, your friendship scares me, etc.' or it will spiral down quick. If you want to tell her how you are feeling, use 'I feel...etc' vs. yelling and telling her what she is doing wrong. This will help in having a real talk with her.


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## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi Swedish,

Thanks for the advice. I've been trying really hard to avoid fighting over this guy, but it's hard not to think about it when she consistently talking to him, and not me. I think keeping my anger in check has been the most difficult lately. My therapist said it's ok to be angry, but it's how I take it out is what I need to learn.

I'll try using "I feel..." vs. yelling at her. It'll be a while before I talk to her. We just got into a fight on Monday, and I was upset that she was completely ignorming me. How many days do you think I should keep space between us before I contact her?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tonyandre said:


> My therapist said it's ok to be angry, but it's how I take it out is what I need to learn.


I would agree with that. Bottling it up will likely mean it will surface at some point, and could be intense.



tonyandre said:


> How many days do you think I should keep space between us before I contact her?


I have no idea. I would think you should base that on how you are feeling. Give yourself enough time to cool down. 

You cannot control what she is doing, only how you react to it. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with this friendship (it could likely be an emotional affair) within the boundaries of your marriage, but in the end she will decide whether to end it and you will decide what to do from there.


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