# Adultery or no fault?



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

How to file? Lawyer says no fault is cheaper and he won't let me spend thousands more on an adultery file. I live in NYC where both apply. STBXH will probably have to pay some or all of my costs anyway.
BUT, why should he get away with no fault - when there is fault? I would like to drag the witch OW into it, too.
They are living together in a one bed apartment - can't really deny it.
Sorry if this thread should be somewhere else - not sure, happy to move it if so.

Any advise much appreciated, you have all been fantastic and helped me immensely. I live thousands of miles away from my family and friends and have no support network.....


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> How to file? Lawyer says no fault is cheaper and he won't let me spend thousands more on an adultery file. I live in NYC where both apply. STBXH will probably have to pay some or all of my costs anyway.
> BUT, why should he get away with no fault - when there is fault? I would like to drag the witch OW into it, too.
> They are living together in a one bed apartment - can't really deny it.
> Sorry if this thread should be somewhere else - not sure, happy to move it if so.
> ...


If you do not care about getting 50 percent of the marital assists then file Fault. 

I am filing fault. I want it on the divorce records that my STBEH cheated and I don't want the ambiguous irreconcilable differences which may imply that I cheated. 

If it's on the record my STBEH can't lie about it. 

My STBEH likes to be seen as a nice guy. He is not, and everyone needs to know that.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

That's exactly how I feel. Would that mean I wouldn't get 50% of assets? NY is an equitable distribution state, so I may well be entitled to more than 50%


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you're the client, while it certainly sounds as if financially it would be better for no fault the decision is yours to make if the money isn't important

if your lawyer still refuses then get another one who will


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Argh, but I've already paid him a 20k retainer!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sue the lawyer?

just get aggressive with him and state that you understand what he is telling you and that regardless of that advice that you are a set on filing for adultery


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> How to file? Lawyer says no fault is cheaper and he won't let me spend thousands more on an adultery file. I live in NYC where both apply. STBXH will probably have to pay some or all of my costs anyway.
> BUT, why should he get away with no fault - when there is fault? I would like to drag the witch OW into it, too.
> They are living together in a one bed apartment - can't really deny it.
> Sorry if this thread should be somewhere else - not sure, happy to move it if so.
> ...


The reason that filing for adultery is more expensive is that, when you file for "cause", you need proof. In some cases, the evidence gathered isn't enough to prove anything, OR the WW denies the allegations forcing proof, or depositions need to be taken under oath. A "no fault" requires none of the above.

The end result in filing for adultery is having the reason put on the record, and, although you are entitled to "50% of the marital assets", sometimes that would mean that you get "your pick" of what 50% you want. Just for an example, if you own two homes which are valued the same, you get the pick of the one you want. It takes some choice away from your WS.

So yes, I would recommend you file under adultery so that you gain control over what you want, you expose the reason for the breakup of your marriage, and you can walk away knowing that the truth is out there.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yep I want them all to be accountable. Sod the cost. Filthy pair. My husband said he didn't want it to get messy, but guess what he made his cheating bed and can lie in it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Yep I want them all to be accountable. Sod the cost. Filthy pair. My husband said he didn't want it to get messy, but guess what he made his cheating bed and can lie in it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












Amen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> That's exactly how I feel. Would that mean I wouldn't get 50% of assets? NY is an equitable distribution state, so I may well be entitled to more than 50%


No. YOu will still get 50 percent of the assets but after the legal bills are paid. 

Fault costs far more to settle than does no fault. 

I don't care at this point.

If you do, then you should file no fault. 

In my state a wife married for a long time gets permanent alimony that is only rescinded if the wife remarries or if she wins the lottery and then it is reconsidered and reexamined and often ended.

Of course they don't want it to get messy. The messier it is the more people will know about the cheating. 

I am also afraid my STBEH will claim I cheated. He is already accusing me of it. I have not and will not.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My best friend was going to go with adultery but it just kept dragging out and costing thousands of dollars. She eventually caved and just went with no fault. After a year she had already moved on and it just wasn't worth it anymore (her words not mine).


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My best friend was going to go with adultery but it just kept dragging out and costing thousands of dollars. She eventually caved and just went with no fault. After a year she had already moved on and it just wasn't worth it anymore (her words not mine).


Everyone is different. 

If you go in knowing it will drag on and cost a lot, then you will be happy with that choice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Everyone is different.
> 
> If you go in knowing it will drag on and cost a lot, then you will be happy with that choice.


Yes. 

Another story. My SIL's husband cheated. Again the divorce dragged on and on costing thousands of dollars. After a year she just wanted him gone so she just agreed to the no fault divorce.

The common denominator in both of my stories is both men contested the terms of the divorce which made it get ugly FAST. Contested = lots of money regardless of the cause put on the papers.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I understand but if he is living with her in a one bedroom apartment I don't think he has a leg to stand on?!
Also her brother helped them find the place he is a witness. Plus a friend of his knows about it and has been out with them so I can't see him denying it. If he does it's money he will end up paying out of his share, right? As he will have to pay some or all of my costs? Thanks for the help I'm so righteous about this as he is denying to people and telling them I'm paranoid and crazy. That is so unfair and it will at least set the record straight and vindicate me I feel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Yes.
> 
> Another story. My SIL's husband cheated. Again the divorce dragged on and on costing thousands of dollars. After a year she just wanted him gone so she just agreed to the no fault divorce.
> 
> The common denominator in both of my stories is both men contested the terms of the divorce which made it get ugly FAST. Contested = lots of money regardless of the cause put on the papers.


Likely your SIL did not have proof of cheating. 

I have proof anonymous letters, photographs, a also, there are damages because the OW even though my STBEH has dropped her, is still stalking me.

She stalked me before she began the relationship with my STBEH and stalked me after, and now has a friend stalking me. 

This has caused me huge amounts of emotional distress as well as fear for my personal safety. 

The stats suggest that the OW is far more likely to kill the affair partner's spouse than is the wife of the cheater likely to kill the OW.

I have no interest in the OW as far as retaliating. 

She is a low life and not worth my time or energy,


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it often doesn't matter if a defendant doesn't have a leg to stand on, they all sorts of ways of dragging it out


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> I understand but if he is living with her in a one bedroom apartment I don't think he has a leg to stand on?!
> Also her brother helped them find the place he is a witness. Plus a friend of his knows about it and has been out with them so I can't see him denying it. If he does it's money he will end up paying out of his share, right? As he will have to pay some or all of my costs? Thanks for the help I'm so righteous about this as he is denying to people and telling them I'm paranoid and crazy. That is so unfair and it will at least set the record straight and vindicate me I feel
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Painting you as paranoid and crazy is right out of the cheaters handbook. 

Also he may not be able to afford to drag it out. 

It's not paranoia when you have a reason to be suspicious. 

Also, if you have no proof your attorney if you file fault can put OW on the witness stand and warn her that lying under oath is perjury with a prison sentence, if she is caught in a lie.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My SIL and my friend had proof. Witnesses willing to testify, emails, phone records, the works. Their husbands were just stupid. One was a serial cheater.

I'm just saying after a year of fighting both women gave up. I personally wish they'd gone to court but it wasn't my decision. And I'm just relaying their stories.

AR is right if they want to drag it out they will.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow Sara why is she still stalking you if you are divorcing him? She sounds psycho. Sorry you are having to deal with that in top of his cheating and divorce.
I don't think my scumbag h will drag it out as he is paying me lots of temp maintenance plus 6k a month on our apt plus half the rent on his love nest. Man I hate him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> I don't think my scumbag h will drag it out as he is paying me lots of temp maintenance plus 6k a month on our apt plus half the rent on his love nest. Man I hate him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is good. In my stories neither men were paying anything while waiting for the divorce to be finalized. One still lived at home and the other SHE was the breadwinner.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Wow Sara why is she still stalking you if you are divorcing him? She sounds psycho. Sorry you are having to deal with that in top of his cheating and divorce.
> I don't think my scumbag h will drag it out as he is paying me lots of temp maintenance plus 6k a month on our apt plus half the rent on his love nest. Man I hate him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, she does sound pyscho. One counselor suggested she was unstable and possibly a psychopathic type. 

I agree. To drag it out will also cost him a lot of money. In your case sounds as if he can't afford it. 

In the end though, sometimes making waves despite the cost is worth it, IMO. 

I don't care how long it takes. 

Also, you can still date while legally separated, if you want to move on.

In most states once separated dating is not considered cheating. 

So, if you are healed enough to date, you can if you wish


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This is good. In my stories neither men were paying anything while waiting for the divorce to be finalized. One still lived at home and the other SHE was the breadwinner.


In that case, you're right, they had nothing to lose by dragging it out.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Im not sure I'll ever trust again after all his lies and deceit it nearly did me in!
We are also not legally separated yet. I will get the witch depositioned so I can see how much marital assets he's wasted on the skank! He left early April and was talking of reconciling with me until mid June when I found their emails and then early July when I got the additional shock of discovering the living arrangements so it's all still raw
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Im not sure I'll ever trust again after all his lies and deceit it nearly did me in!
> We are also not legally separated yet. *I will get the witch depositioned so I can see how much marital assets he's wasted on the skank!* He left early April and was talking of reconciling with me until mid June when I found their emails and then early July when I got the additional shock of discovering the living arrangements so it's all still raw
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully in the settlement the amount will be deducted from HIS share of the marital assets.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Im not sure I'll ever trust again after all his lies and deceit it nearly did me in!
> We are also not legally separated yet. I will get the witch depositioned so I can see how much marital assets he's wasted on the skank! He left early April and was talking of reconciling with me until mid June when I found their emails and then early July when I got the additional shock of discovering the living arrangements so it's all still raw
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can hire a forensic accountant to track his credit cards and your bank accounts and his salary to see if money was hidden or spent.

My STBEH had two hidden bank accounts over the past ten years. 

It will cost a lot, but if you don't care about the money. Do it.

And, yes, all of this will be deducted from his share of marital assets, if you have proof of cheating.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Excellent idea Sara. He has taken 8k from the joint to pay his platinum Amex ( see how his reputation and image counts!) and I have no idea what that was for. Yep I'm gonna make him pay and check everything!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Excellent idea Sara. He has taken 8k from the joint to pay his platinum Amex ( see how his reputation and image counts!) and I have no idea what that was for. Yep I'm gonna make him pay and check everything!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will have to pay you back that money. 

It works the other way, too. So don't hide money from him or spend on luxuries, now. 

I know a women who upon learning of her husband's affair went out and spent a couple hundred thousand on cloths and other luxuries.

She had to pay half of it back at settlement.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the main cautionary I will relay is for you to realize that anger is a stage of being betrayed, for some it lasts longer than others and even some it never really goes away.

Do know that you may feel differently down the road and may merely wish to get out and move on with your life. I think it is prudent to examine your motivations for the adultery file and ask yourself some tough questions and if it is worth it. I can't answer that for you, nor Sara nor anyone else here. I can't judge your decision either nor would I want to. You do sound committed to it now and I am by no means trying to talk you out of it, I just think that a thorough examination of why you want to do this is in order. It is important to think about the decisions we make in stressful times and not to let our emotions control us. 

Good luck with what you decide.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yep I'm being reasonably careful although I've dropped nearly 3 dress sizes and have told my lawyer ineed whole new wardrobes.
I can see he is being careful now too with his personal account as the statements get sent to me. However she earns good money too so is probably footing a lot of the bills etc. also they can't really go out as I announced the divorce and they will get rumbled if seen together. Oh yes I'm trying to make its difficult as possible for them. What I really can't understand is why he is still living there sooooo stupid but of course he still denies it. Think he is in denial period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

You are correct almost I'm beyond angry. I don't think that will ever change. I will be worried that I regret filing no fault and they end up getting away with it. 
I don't want to regret that 6 months down the line. Also my parents have said they will help and they've got deep pockets.
I will at least be able to prove I wasn't crazy and also what a horrid man he is. His reputation means the world to him and this will go on public record. If people google him they will see it won't they ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> You are correct almost I'm beyond angry. I don't think that will ever change. I will be worried that I regret filing no fault and they end up getting away with it.
> I don't want to regret that 6 months down the line. Also my parents have said they will help and they've got deep pockets.
> I will at least be able to prove I wasn't crazy and also what a horrid man he is. His reputation means the world to him and this will go on public record. If people google him they will see it won't they ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not so much "google", but court records yes. It will be right there.

And yes, for your own peace of mind, do what you think is right and what you can live with. You are not guilty of anything but being a faithful and loving wife. He blew it. No reason to NOT hold him accountable.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Bentley'sMom, I wish I was on the east coast so I could take you out for a coffee and smack you in the head (lovingly of course).

First, don't hand anyone 20K that isn't on the same page as you.

Second, you signed a ton of papers when you handed over that money. Read them in detail. It will let you know whether it is refundable or not. 

Your lawyer is obligated to give you his/her best advice. He/She has experience that is outside of the emotional realm (which is where you are operating under right now). In five years, it makes no difference whether it was fault/no fault. The truth comes out regardless.

With all that said, you are the captain of your own ship. YOU decide where it goes. Make that very clear to your lawyer.

If you have the money and have no issue throwing it at a fault divorce, go for it. Personally, I would take the money I saved and do something very special for myself.

Good luck to you!


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ah Falene, what you say is correct. My lawyers are good, thats why I hired them, and yes expensive but I need their help. He is trying to get me the most money and his advice is sage based on that. My emotions say - that bstard needs to be labelled! Yes I hear you, I will take some time to consider......sigh and another sigh!


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