# Whats gonna happen next?



## NoMoreTears4me

So about 3 months ago my wife had me served for divorce. 

I went to an attorney and filed my response at the courthouse. The attorney suggested we try to work out what we were gonna do that would be cheaper. I tried for weeks to get my wife to tell me how we were gonna deal with the kids and dividing stuff. She would only tell me shw was working on something.

After arguing one night I asked her to put the divorce on hold and lets try to work on this. If we could not she would still have the divorce filed. She said she would and told me she did. 2 months later I found out she didnt and I missed the court date. I did not recieve notice. She told me she gave me what I wanted and she was moving out that day. She left and went to live with her mother.

I had stopped my attorney from doing anything when she told me she stopped the divorce. I was stupid i know but I love her and trusted her. Everything was not great but she was hugging me every morning and telling me she loved me. We were doing stuff with the kids and I thought we were going to try again.

I went back to my attorney and filed a motion to dismiss based on I thought we were reconciling and she played to that feeling to her advantage.

We have a new court date now. In about 3 weeks.

What can I expect? Did I mess up? Is she now going to ask for more since I asked for a new hearing?

I dont know what to do or what is going to happen. Every time I call the lawyer Im charged a fortune.

Thanks


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## Pluto2

IT depends. The original court hearing you missed, was that for support/property/custody/divorce? What is being dismissed? There's a difference between dismissing an order of Divorce, and a dismissal of an order of support/custody.

And yes, sounds like she will fight you on a new hearing since she pretty much played an end game on the first hearing.


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## NoMoreTears4me

The initial hearing gave me house but her most everything in it. 50/50 custody and 600 CS and 600 SS untill the final divorce hearing. 

I did not even get a say or anything. Taking my tools and all the boys and mine camping stuff but she keeps all her things and hobbies. I got all the debt and bills and she is debt free and gets 1200 a month from me. She knows that if I had known I would have been there. She could have intercepted the notice. I have no idea.

She was living with me this entire time for over a month after the hearing and never said a word.


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## Pluto2

She gets the toys and you get the bills. Sweet deal -for her. Well, she's shown her true colors and I hope you won't give her the benefit of the doubt. Despicable.

And your new hearing? Is that to address the Motion to Dismiss, or have you already gotten a new hearing on the property/support determination?

Considering the nature of what you thought was your relationship prior to the hearing, and a prompt request for relief, you are probably in pretty good shape to prevail on the Motion to Dismiss. Do you have anything that would prove she was still living with you at the time of the hearing? Courts hate that kind of crap.

I suppose you've started making a list of what you want, correct? Do you want to stay in the house or are you open to selling it? 

And for the record, divorce scks.


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## NoMoreTears4me

She lived with me the entire time. My kids know she was there. Hell I even let her mother and brother move in for 2 weeks to help them come down and buy a house. Helped em move and everything. She was so nice then. As soon as her mother got moved in to her new house and she had the judges ruling for over a month without me knowing. She left. 

I want the house and I dont mind splitting things... but wanting my tools and all my sons and I camping gear. Thats just plain mean. I dont want her scrapbooking, quilting, sewing stuff.

Also she had been removing things from the house long before I got the divorce notification. When I confronted her about things I saw missing she had excuses. Again i was stupid and I love her.

Who knows... I got this new hearing and I think its too discuss my motion to dismiss the previous ruling at the hearing I was not at.

Oh yeah she wants me to pay all her legal bills and take all the current bills she was paying. Which was not alot. I paid for nearly everything.

I


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## Pluto2

I'm really, really sorry. This is a special kind of gold-star conniving approach to divorce. Is there an OM in the picture? Seems there often is. How old are your boys? Are they with her?


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## NoMoreTears4me

I suspect OM but I dont know. 

Boys are 15 and 10. 15 year old is with me and does not want to go with his mother. He is very upset with her. The 10 year old is going back and forth every week. 

Not ideal right now but she is living with her mother now and the 15 year old cant stand it over there, and is not very happy with his MOM. I dont force the issue. He went to see her the other day but came back that evening. I try to stay happy around them and I generally can be when I have them. But they both are hurting so bad right now. She on the other hand acts like she is pretty happy.


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## Dude007

She most likely wayward. Can u snoop on her phone or email?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

No. She is gone and I dont even want to know. To be honest it would probably throw me into deeper depression.

When I tell people exactly the things she is doing they all say she is cheating and Im just blind to it.

I cant imagine she would do that. But they all say that right?


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## Pluto2

At this point it doesn't seem worth the effort to find out if there is an OM, she's gone and behaving horridly. It matters to some when they to figure out if they were co-dependent, or a doormat in the relationship, or just didn't have appropriate boundaries. Learning about a possible infidelity then becomes a tool to use in your own self-development so you won't repeat the same mistake in the next relationship. You can do all that self-work without it.

Let me suggest one thing, and of course, disregard this if you like. Let your sons see that losing a marriage does indeed hurt. Its okay for them to know dad is sad. Its healthy and appropriate. You should mourn the loss of a marriage and teaching your sons how to do that in a healthy and appropriate manner is critical. Just my two cents.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well MAJOR update

I guess my wife was just notified of the new hearing date. She was not happy and for the first time in 3 weeks she contacted me. I have not been talking or messaging her at all during this time.

She does not want to go to court and wants to break things up fairly. I think she just wants out and is willing to do whatever she can to make it happen. She was obviously scared.

I called her and told her how she was manupulating me and she knew she was doing it. I think it finally dawned on her that the judge is not going to look kindly on that.

Anyway we are going to work out a better division and I will get to see the kids whenever I want too. 

She did however say that maybe in a year we could try again she just needed to get away for a while. I dont think so! Im not going to be plan B.


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## VeryHurt

NMT4M~
I am glad you have no intentions of being Plan B.
Trust me, it's sucks and it will destroy your soul!
Be Strong!
VH


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## NoMoreTears4me

What did Plan B do to you? 

Its easy to say I would not wait till she got right in the head. But I still love her. I know she doesnt love me.


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## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> What did Plan B do to you?
> 
> Its easy to say I would not wait till she got right in the head. But I still love her. I know she doesnt love me.


Well, I have/had been Plan B for nearly SEVEN YEARS .......yes, you read it right, nearly SEVEN years.

My STBXH juggled me and the OW1, OW2 and OW 3 and I became a fool. I took him back three times which I now know were BS efforts at R.

He gave me false hope and mixed messages and I wanted so badly to save my 32 year marriage and save my family.

I have no self-confidence, no self-esteem and no soul left. It will take me years to become the bright, funny, sharp and happy person that I once was. 

My siblings desperately want their sister back.

Save Yourself. Don't Settle. Be Strong. Trust Me.

VH


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## NoMoreTears4me

Im so sorry. I completely understand. When you love someone all you want is to win them back. That is where I am now. No matter what is happening right now I still love her and want my family back so bad.

I know in my heart it will never happen. I know its over and she does not love me. You dont treat somone you love like this. 

I know that its my own low self esteem that will allow her to use me. I just dont know how to turn off the love.


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## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well MAJOR update
> 
> I guess my wife was just notified of the new hearing date. She was not happy and for the first time in 3 weeks she contacted me. I have not been talking or messaging her at all during this time.
> 
> She does not want to go to court and wants to break things up fairly. I think she just wants out and is willing to do whatever she can to make it happen. She was obviously scared.
> 
> I called her and told her how she was manupulating me and she knew she was doing it. I think it finally dawned on her that the judge is not going to look kindly on that.
> 
> Anyway we are going to work out a better division and I will get to see the kids whenever I want too.
> 
> She did however say that maybe in a year we could try again she just needed to get away for a while. I dont think so! Im not going to be plan B.


I promise you there is another man.

I would tell her under no uncertain terms that the marriage is over and there will be no reconciliation.


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## NoMoreTears4me

I really hope not. That would tear out my heart. I have a feeling its true but I just dont want to know


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## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I really hope not. That would tear out my heart. I have a feeling its true but I just dont want to know


Then go ahead and accept that you will be on the losing end of this proposition no matter what happens. 

When you hide your head in the sand, you expose your ass for all to see. Your stbx is most certainly going to take advantage of that. 

You either reach down and find your balls, and use them, or accept that you are going to get taken to the cleaners both financially and emotionally.


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## NoMoreTears4me

If its true it will come to light soon. It will not only destroy me but the kids as well. I pray its not true but it doesnt matter if it is. If its true I dont want her back. If its not true she still doesnt want me. Im in the same boat no matter what.

Just trying to take the pain in small doses. I cant handle knowing that she is with another man right now.


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## farsidejunky

Yes, you can.


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## Pluto2

Nomore, you CAN handle whatever is thrown your way!

So she admitted that she totally manipulated you to get everything she wanted, what a piece of work.
My advice is to be fair with the property, insist on 50-50 custody, with lots of flexibility. Is she is honestly at the end of her ropes she will agree to it. Then you will likely see you sons as much as you do now, you just have to keep a schedule. You can easily remain as involved a parent as you choose to be.

I understand this is ripping you apart. I married my high school sweetheart and then, well life happened......

Work on detaching from your marital relationship. Its work, and it hurts, but it is the best thing to do. You will become stronger and more sure of who you are and what you want in life. And I bet you will soon find that you do not want a spouse who could so cruelly hurt and manipulate you. You want a life partner who will actually support you and your sons-and you can get that.


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## pickil65

Whatever you do DONT miss the court date she could be trying to get you to miss it again. Take what you worked out on paper, make sure you write it all down, only discuss these matters with a lawyer present, you do not want the he said she said crap. Also sounds like your son will be willing to back you up that she played you at the last hearing. It sounds like she is a horrible b... I would see if you could verify the OM just to help you in court. I know you don't want to know now, but it might help you with the healing process. Sounds like her mom is on her side understandably, it also sounds like she was never trying to make it work and she was only playing your heart. 



NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well MAJOR update
> 
> I guess my wife was just notified of the new hearing date. She was not happy and for the first time in 3 weeks she contacted me. I have not been talking or messaging her at all during this time.
> 
> She does not want to go to court and wants to break things up fairly. I think she just wants out and is willing to do whatever she can to make it happen. She was obviously scared.
> 
> I called her and told her how she was manupulating me and she knew she was doing it. I think it finally dawned on her that the judge is not going to look kindly on that.
> 
> Anyway we are going to work out a better division and I will get to see the kids whenever I want too.
> 
> She did however say that maybe in a year we could try again she just needed to get away for a while. I dont think so! Im not going to be plan B.


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## NoMoreTears4me

We have most of it worked out on paper. I go and discuss with lawyer tommorrow. If we have it all worked up I maynot need to go back to court. I just wanted to have a say. 

She is playing me like a fiddle and Im not letting her do it anymore. I dont think I have any way to find out if she is with someone else. 

I had a relapse of depression yesterday talking about all the splitting up of stuff. I like how she wants stuff that she was never interested in in the first place.

So starting this sunday I have the boys for 3 whole weeks. She is going out of town all of a sudden and Im taking the boys to my moms for thangsgiving. She said she already made plans so it was ok if I had them. This is the kind of stuff I dont understand. I could never go 3 weeks without seeing the boys. This is what makes me think she is screwing around. If she is seeing someone I feel pretty confident that it wont last and she will regret what she has done. what a piece of work huh?

My skin crawls now thinking of what she is doing and how she acts. Its disgusting.

If she is out next week she is definatly going to miss the court date. Not my problem. By then I will have written up what we are doing.


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## Pluto2

Three weeks without the kids? If this isn't work related and you're pretty sure no one on her side of the family is in the hospital, then it sure sounds like OM agenda. I'm sorry. It hurts and its selfish and destructive. She's going to turn into someone you barely recognize.

But YOU get three weeks with the boys!


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## NoMoreTears4me

Thats right i do and I cant wait. She wont say where she is going. I hope it is with another Man. The boys will see exactly who the responsible parent is. And im not going to protect her. Not my job anymore. She wasnt to be a tramp let her.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks guys.

Every day is a struggle and the one thing I have issues with is reallizing she is no longer the women I married. I know she loves the boys but she is so self centered right now its crazy. Its like she feels life has passed her by or something. Or maybe im just horrible to live with. She knows im a good father and cannot say any different. It blows my mind some of the things she has been doing. I still love her and I hope that will fade. 

This week we have been dividng stuff up via email. Its brought me back to almost square one with depression. I want my life back. 

This morning i was thinking about what its going to be like a year from now. The boys will be going back and forth and I will probably be mostly over her. I have a bad feeling im going to learn the truth about what she is doing and its going to make me hate her. 

Ive been reading this site from top to bottom and it shocks me how many people have allmost the same circumstances, feelings, and experiences. Its like a disease the way divorce is spreading. I thought I was immune but guess not.


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## Sammy64

you will find indifference, We all do at some point. Some faster then others Hang in there!!


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## Average Joe

Yep, you'll find the indifference, you'll get into a routine ... even meet someone new, eventually.

My ex had a one night stand while on a european vacation ... a "girls trip." She got pregnant. Our kids were 3 and 6. I promptly moved out, we divorced, the one night stand guy moved to the US, moved in, they got married, had the baby, had another unplanned baby, then divorced 2 months later. 

That was all about a decade ago. You WILL look back and laugh, I promise. Be a strong, solid, non-vindictive dad for your boys, foremost, right now.

Edit: And of course, eat right, don't drink, exercise ... find a good personal trainer. It will REALLY help, believe me.


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## VeryHurt

Average Joe said:


> Yep, you'll find the indifference, you'll get into a routine ... even meet someone new, eventually.
> 
> My ex had a one night stand while on a european vacation ... a "girls trip." She got pregnant. Our kids were 3 and 6. I promptly moved out, we divorced, the one night stand guy moved to the US, moved in, they got married, had the baby, had another unplanned baby, then divorced 2 months later.
> 
> That was all about a decade ago. You WILL look back and laugh, I promise. Be a strong, solid, non-vindictive dad for your boys, foremost, right now.
> 
> Edit: And of course, eat right, don't drink, exercise ... find a good personal trainer. It will REALLY help, believe me.


Average Joe ~
OMG, I couldn't believe this post! 
I'm sorry that happened to you. 
Amazing.
VH


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well just got back from attorney. He said we have a really good case if she wants to go to the hearing next week. She was beyond decietful. I gave her what she wanted and made some changes to what I want. I think I was more than fair.

Its up to her now. If she doesnt agree then we can go back and forh with the attornies. Or we can go to the hearing next week and mess up her little vacation away from me and her children.

She hasnt been able to get ahold of her attorney. Seems like she hired quiet the winner. Good for me I guess. I just want this over.

I told her as well that under no circumstances will i be her Plan b. This was it, its over and I do not want her back ever. I would love it to never have to see her again.


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## ButtPunch

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well just got back from attorney. He said we have a really good case if she wants to go to the hearing next week. She was beyond decietful. I gave her what she wanted and made some changes to what I want. I think I was more than fair.
> 
> Its up to her now. If she doesnt agree then we can go back and forh with the attornies. Or we can go to the hearing next week and mess up her little vacation away from me and her children.
> 
> She hasnt been able to get ahold of her attorney. Seems like she hired quiet the winner. Good for me I guess. I just want this over.
> 
> I told her as well that under no circumstances will i be her Plan b. This was it, its over and I do not want her back ever. I would love it to never have to see her again.


If that hearing is during her vacation, I would be a little less than fair. I would hit her hard and make her eat it. She will not be willing to miss this vacation I promise you that. She will take an unfavorable settlement I am almost sure of it.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Less than fair? She had the first hearing without telling me about it. Lived with me 2 months after the hearing and never said a word. Told me we were reconciling and pretending all was good. I missed the first hearing cause she said the divorce was on hold. I was duped into not going. I dont care about her vacation. Its her problem not mine.


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## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Less than fair? She had the first hearing without telling me about it. Lived with me 2 months after the hearing and never said a word. Told me we were reconciling and pretending all was good. I missed the first hearing cause she said the divorce was on hold. I was duped into not going. I dont care about her vacation. Its her problem not mine.


Whoa there, I'm pretty sure @ButtPunch meant less than fair to HER, not to you.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Ok sorry. Im just a little jumpy right now. On edge and kinda cranky. Didnt sleep last night thinking about meeting with lawyer. I appoligize I misunderstood


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## ButtPunch

Pluto2 said:


> Whoa there, I'm pretty sure @ButtPunch meant less than fair to HER, not to you.


Correct....I suspect an OM and this trip will be very very important to her. I suggest you maximize your opportunity here.


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## Pluto2

I get the nerves. This stuff tends to make a rational person pretty nauseous. Keep breathing.


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## NoMoreTears4me

I suspect as well. But I dont care. Not my problem anymore. Let him deal with her lies and deception.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Wife says she is going to sign and return to me tomorrow. Ill take it and give to my attorney tommorrow. 

Im sure she doesnt want to fight in court. Im on some kind of getting it over with high right now. Im sure I will come down and be depressed once its signed.

I still dont want my marriage to end.


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## ButtPunch

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wife says she is going to sign and return to me tomorrow. Ill take it and give to my attorney tommorrow.
> 
> Im sure she doesnt want to fight in court. Im on some kind of getting it over with high right now. Im sure I will come down and be depressed once its signed.
> 
> I still dont want my marriage to end.


Let go. You can't control this. Hard 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Are you still going to give her 1,200 bucks every month?

Can your lawyer fight that?

Is there a clause to end SS if she shacks up with OM?

She has clearly been banging some other guy for some time. They finally get to spend a vacation together. Your STBXW is not suitable for reconciliation. If she had confessed, been embarrassed or guilty, okay, friendly co-parents some day, but she is not in the least honorable.

Get out of supporting her as much as possible. Hope you get 50/50 custody.


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## NoMoreTears4me

I pay 1000 a month 500 CS 500 SS. SS ends in 1 year. I can afford that so I will be ok. Yes if she shacks up it stops. 50/50 custody. 

She signed this morning. I go and sign today.

I feel like crap. I still love her so much.


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## Pluto2

You're supposed to feel like crap.

You loved her, she lied and manipulated you and broke your heart. A marriage you wanted is ending and its one of those life changing events some of us get to deal with. I'd be worried if you didn't feel like crap. You just have to feel in order to start the healing. And you honestly are starting. You took appropriate action for YOU and your boys. Not vindictive, not irrational-appropriate.


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## NoMoreTears4me

I know I was to blame for some of our problems and she was too. There are so many things I want to tell her. 

I was thinking of writing a letter just to get some of it out. I need closure... I dont need the final word just need her to understand how much I really did love her. I dont know if she cheated but I do know she no longer loves me. I find it hard to imagine that I was so bad that she would give up on our wonderful family and our 2 great boys. 

I made so many mistakes in our marriage. So many times it would have been better just to talk about my problems than to keep them inside. I know I didnt show how much I loved her and I felt she was neglecting me as well. We should have been to counciling years ago. 

I understand all of that and there is plenty of blame to go around. However what I dont understand is the selfishness, the disregard for the boys feelings. I dont understand her priorities and they do not line up with mine, not even close.

I know she loves the boys. I do not doubt that for a minute. I know she knows i do too. 

The hardest part for me is I did not see a future without her. She has been planning for a future without me. I would do anything to keep us together. It appears she would do anything to escape. It hurts.

Why is it so hard to remember the bad times? I focus on all the good times and that hurts me the most. I wish I could hate her. I wish I could empasize the bad times. I dont want to be that person. 

Anyway just my daily venting. I got the boys tonight for a movie and then I have them for 3 weeks. Thats right 3 weeks. She will not see them for 3 weeks. I cant imaging ever not seeing my boys for 3 weeks. I just dont understand. Even If I did not love her at all I could not go that long without seeing my kids.


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## Pluto2

write the letter and post it here. but DO NOT SEND IT. Take a look at this over in the Life After Divorce area:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/294826-latest-letter-ex.html


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## JohnA

The thing about self esteem is acknowledging it and develop ways to allow others to help you cope. 

The solution here is using your attorney as a magic self directed shield and sword to deal with her. You say the settlement is fair. Is it fair by the laws of the state you live in? Does your state mandate SS. Does your state mandate 150, 200, 500 dollars a month child support. What are the other terms in regards to 401, insurance, etc. 

Your in the home, custody is suppose to be 50/50. How are school nights handled?

Don't sign until you know these answers and considered your post life. Set up your post life now.


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## NoMoreTears4me

We each keep our 401k. Schools will remain the same as long as I own this home. Her insurance is better so she is doing that and I will get my own. We will split all expenses for kids.

Not sure where she is gonna live so I will probably have kids more than half the time.


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## Pluto2

About the expenses for the kids, who decides what's a reasonable expense? What happens if you don't agree? If you have the kids more than 50%, why the cs? That would make you the custodial parent (get that designation if you can) Are you sharing legal custody?


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## aine

Nomoretears4me, you seem to have all things under control and at least your kids will not be having to move from schools, etc this is good, some familarity in routines will help them. It makes me sad when I see long term marriages go this way because I wonder if things had been confronted and dealt with earlier would things have been different. 

I am in a struggling long term marriage myself and feel I have learned more about marriage in this last few years than my whole life time, some of that knowledge I wish I had known earlier.


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## NoMoreTears4me

This morning I feel like emailing her and telling her how much I miss her. 

I really do. You cant live with someone for 22 years and not miss them.

How can she not miss me? 

I spent the whole weekend cleaning the house and trying to organize my life. Get rid of anything that reminds me of her. I want her to come get her stuff asap.


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## Pluto2

Let's remember the whole lying about a reconciliation to scam you out of checking with the court just to take all your money......

Ok, now. She has been planning this departure for a while. Her scheme isn't something you come up with off the top of your head. This took some doing. To me, without talking to her, it seems that she checked out of the marriage a long time ago, she just forgot/neglected/plotted not to tell you. That's how she doesn't miss you.

I know this is hard, but begging her back will not work, and will most certainly backfire into a second false reconciliation..... with less money for you to keep.

As for her stuff, send a short message by text, that her stuff is available to be picked up on ___ (whatever day works for you), after that you will need to dispose of it in order to properly clean up your home. You certainly don't need to be her storage locker.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks

Always the voice of reason. You are absolutely right. She was lying to me. And still is.

I had a pretty decent weekend. Im gonna make my home a HOME. She refused to do that.


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## Pluto2

The first winter my ex left I renovated the kitchen and did all the things he kept screaming couldn't be done, or would look horrible. Guess what? It looks great! and its all mine, baby!

Paint the walls, move the furniture, switch out whatever!


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## NoMoreTears4me

Problem is my house is huge. Way to big for me. But the payment is 1100 which is close to what I would have to pay for an apartment. 

But I have some plans for the house as well. It was my dream house but guess it was not hers. 

My man cave is coming along and I have plans for my office as well. Its gonna take more time now but I will have plenty of that.


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## NoMoreTears4me

So lawyer called and said all paperwork is signed by judge. We are divorced.

So my plan now is to change locks, move her stuff into garage and give her 30 days toremove it

Sound like a plan?


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## arbitrator

*The states require that the Court must prove that service was executed! As is, they simply cannot and will likely reset the hearing whether or not she likes it! Her attorney can try to argue it's merits but probably to no avail!

All adding to her lawyers hourly bill!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Wow. I'm super bummed today. 

I cant live alone. I need someone to come home to. This is going to be so hard. I was feeling so good yesterday and Im really just depressed today.

Not a good place to be. I hate it


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## Pluto2

This is a huge adjustment, and having the papers signed seems to have made your situation more of a reality in your mind.

If you never loved your W, you wouldn't be caring that she's gone. It takes time. I can't believe how quickly you've managed to get the D finalized. (Just ask @honcho). Your heart is still teetering between wanting her back and feeling like she's a [email protected] Very normal.

The best advice I've seen here is to get yourself busy. Work on your house, workout at the gym, joint meetup groups, volunteer at your boys' school, take a class, get a rescue dog. A flurry of activity does a couple of things. It distracts you from the very real pain of being alone in your home. But it also gets you out with other people and expanding your interests and circle of friends. Soon, it hurt less and less and you will be stronger and ready for what ever lies ahead of you. 

Right now is the worst of it. You will get through this.


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## honcho

Pluto2 said:


> This is a huge adjustment, and having the papers signed seems to have made your situation more of a reality in your mind.
> 
> If you never loved your W, you wouldn't be caring that she's gone. It takes time. I can't believe how quickly you've managed to get the D finalized. (Just ask @honcho). Your heart is still teetering between wanting her back and feeling like she's a [email protected] Very normal.
> 
> The best advice I've seen here is to get yourself busy. Work on your house, workout at the gym, joint meetup groups, volunteer at your boys' school, take a class, get a rescue dog. A flurry of activity does a couple of things. It distracts you from the very real pain of being alone in your home. But it also gets you out with other people and expanding your interests and circle of friends. Soon, it hurt less and less and you will be stronger and ready for what ever lies ahead of you.
> 
> Right now is the worst of it. You will get through this.


Are you implying that almost 3 years of divorce h*ll isn't speedy?

Your fortune yours went this quickly. The longer it goes on the more potential for drama and bitterness to set in. The pain and awkwardness right now will subside and rather quickly I guess because you have a clear path for your future.


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## NoMoreTears4me

update:

Found out yesterday where she is and who she is with. Put all the pieces together and she was cheating on me after all. I was blind to it and kept trying to make excuses and believing her lies.

I let her know that I know where she is and who she is with. I called her mother and told her exactly what she is doing and what she has been doing. I plan on telling everyone that she has been bad mouthing me too. Why should I look bad and she keep her reputation. Im not the one who cheated.

I cant stand the thought of her now. Lying, manipulating b&%$%. I hope she rots in Hell.


----------



## Pluto2

I am so sorry.

It really bites when the reality you feared comes back and smacks you upside the head.

When you have a chance, read this column. It might help you get a little perspective on the future you ARE going to have. Like I said, right now is the worst. It will get better.

Dear Chump Lady, Where's my Meh? - ChumpLady.com


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ive been preparing myself to move on and I feel like I have regressed. Not sad just real angry now. I cant stop thinking about what she did. Betrayed me and threw her family in the trash. What a piece of work.

Should I continue to out her to friends and family. Her boss does not know she is screwing one of her employees.

It felt great telling her mother and my dad. 

I don't know what to do with all this anger right now.


----------



## Pluto2

The divorce is final, and I'm guess the property division is final so you don't risk losing anything from that perspective by outing her to her boss. I'm betting any support obligations you currently have would change if she suddenly lost her job. She could go to court and argue her unemployment is a substantial change of condition. There are arguments to be made to counter that, but let's not jump the gun yet.

Is her OM married? If so, I 100% all in favor of telling his wife, and family. If he's not married, you can still out him to his family, but it won't have the same impact.

Are you concerned any of this will get back to the kids. And I ask, not because I don't think they could handle knowing what their mom is up to, they're probably old enough. But kids have a harder time having to hear the gossip about their mother when they are out and about.

Of course you are angry, you should be. Exposure now would like
1. Protect your reputation from the lies she's been spreading, as you've seen with her mom and your dad.
2. Rips apart her little fantasy life-style with the OM.
3. Feeds your desire for revenge.

Reasons 1 and 2 are perfectly fine. But you have to watch out for No. 3, its not healthy and will delay your recovery from this betrayal.


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## Decorum

NoMoreTears,
I am sorry for what you are going through.
You have some outstanding posters helping you and the advise has been very good.

You are angry now so use that to continuing detaching. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is what you need to move on and be happy.

Your respect for her as a person is forever changed, you recognise she is not the right person for you. She is just someone you were married to once and is the mother of your children.

Until then it will be a rollercoaster as you go through the 5 stages of grief (google it). You will cycle through them (sometimes in different order) maybe get stuck in one for a while. Give yourself time and be good to yourself. Your brain is reprogramming itself so just go with it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I should warn you that in most cases the wayward wife comes back crying and begging. Dont be supprised. They realize prince charming is not the Sir Galahad they thought, or that their life will be much harder then they realize.

It is a BIG mistake to take them back under those conditions (they are trying to plan B you). It usually ends up being a repeat and a very painful one at that.

If they prove themselves over several years (like starting over) and you can get past the cheating then maybe. Please dont fall for "I made the biggest mistake of my life" talk its just ensnarement.

Lastly if you are on the downwart slope of the rollercoaster DO NOT SEND HER ANYTHING, you will regret it if you do. There may be a time to clear the air, but that will be when you possess some indifference and can do it responsibly without all the maudlin emotions involved.

It will have a purpose, like helping someone move on or facilatating co-parenting. You see the difference?

In the mean time keep making good healthy choices even when you dont feel like it, you will be so much better off for it, and you will be a good example to your kids and your self- esteem.

Often depression results from using up your mental\emotional\physical resources without renewing them.

The obsession, and focus, and preoccupations of all this take a toll, its normal, but know that the answer is to lessen the use of resources on this and renew them as much as possible, as your brain processes this.


You have done really well and avoided many pitfalls that others dont.

By all means expose your wifes affair.
It would be helpful to the posters here to know more details regarding her affair, so when you can please update that with more information.

I really wish you well.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks a lot

About a year and a half ago she up and said she wanted a divorce. After a stupid argument I don't even remember what it was about. I then found out on her phone that she had been staying up late and texting a man that works at her company. They were talking about her back and he would rub it for her and all that crap. It turns out that she was going out with friends the night I confronter her about the texts. She admitted she was going out with him and they were just friends. Said they were just texting and it didn't mean anything. 

Fast forward a few months and we made up did not file for divorce and were pretty happy for a while. I see now that this other guy was going through a divorce as well and it was put on hold. I found documents online that support this the other day.

For at least the most part of this year she has been pulling away from me again. Throwing little things in my face and telling my how my depression is causing everyone to be miserable. Even though she is the one that is depressing me. Finally about 3 months ago she has me served with divorce papers in front of my kids.

We argue and I beg and plead and she tells me she will call off the divorce. In fact she did not , went to a hearing, and did not tell me about it. COntinued to live in my house and sleep in the same bed , telling me she loved me, and the whole time making plans to leave.

One day I got something in the mail about child support and garnishing my wages. I asked her is she needed to tell me something and she responded that she was moving out. She took all her clothes and said she would be back for her stuff. I found out the next day she had a judgement that gave her most of the furniture and stuff.

I immediately called my attorney and retained him again. Told him what she was doing and he filed a stop of the order. 

When she finally got word of this she panicked. She had a big 2 week vacation planned that she just could not miss for the new court date that was 3 days after she was supposed to leave.

In a panic she called me and said to have something wrote up and she would sign it. She signed it and did not question any part of it. I was fair in the agreement and split things fairly. I did feel that what she was asking for child support and alimony were low.

Fast forward to this week. She left Monday. She had not finished signing the paperwork and by Tuesday had it signed an a notorized.

Wed morning my son got a text. His phone is her old phone and number. It stated something like what flight he got in on and his connecting flight to tampa was delayed or something. I replied with a "hey" but got no response.

Later that day I looked up the phone number. It was the same guy she was texting before. He owns a home in tampa. I looked on our paperwork and noticed her notary was from florida. I looked him up and he is in tampa.

I texted her and said I hope you two are happy in tampa. To this point she had told no one where she was going. Not even the kids or her mother. Later I texted her that now she could get th back rubs she wanted. I got no reply.

When I got home I texted the guy from the other phone and told him he should check the number before he texts. I sat the phone down and My son brought it too me with a voicemail. He called back and was pissed etc. 

I texted her back and said I thought that would ger her attention. Her oldest now knows about the affair and started to put stuff together on his own. The youngest knows nothing.

She then threatened me if I took this further she would take me for everything. HA!

I ended by telling her she was a piece of garbage. I called her mother and told her where she was and what she was doing to include the stuff in the past linking to this guy. I then told my family and a former friend she had turned against me.

Long story and I think I may be leaving out some details. All the manipulation and making me feel like crap that I was a terrible husband and she was cheating on me.

I don't know what else to say


----------



## Pluto2

So she gets caught red-handed and her reply is that she's going to take you for everything-after she's already signed the property division. Desperate and scared, isn't she.
Now take care of your son. He needs a parent who is rational.

My eldest uncovered my ex's sexting accounts when she was 14. I'd already found out about multiple OW by then. Still, it was horrible for a while. She's fine now, but my ex never got over it. He hasn't seen the kids in more than a year.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Yep. I laughed that was funny. Shes in another city with another man not 1 day after papers are signed. She tried to keep it a big secret. I figure it out and call her out and now shes mad? Yeah ok! You have got a lot of nerve to get angry with me. 

My son got no sleep last night as well. He doesn't show emotion but I can tell he is pissed. He deserves much better than this.

A lot of the stuff she was doing makes total sense now. Some things that confused me are clear. What a piece of garbage.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Oh how things are fallng apart for the love birds. Isn't quiet the vacation you imagined. No one was supposed to know. You don't have that air of inncoence anymore. You can't play victim like you planned.

Can you look at yourself in the mirror? How can you look at your kids? Dads really not to blame now is he. 

i look atthe course of events in the past week and wonder how in the hell did this all line up right now? I would like to think God was not going to allow you to deceive me any longer. I prayed for piece and understabding and he gave it too me. I did not understand why he said no when I asked for my marriage to be healed. I understand now. He knew I deserved better was not worthy of your lies and deceptions.

The choice to be fooled by your actions was mine. I chose to believe you, I chose to trust you, never again.

I will conce trace all my energies on the boys now. Should not be hard I never stopped. My priorities were always where they should be. Yours have not in a long time.

My mind is still filled with your lies but that will pass. I know I tried my hardest to save my marriage I just did not understand what forces were against me. 

You on the other hand have a long road ahead. One paved with your own lies and deceptions. You now travel that road alone. Soon the fog will lift and you will no longer see the same look in your kids faces. Respect is not as easily returned like you think it will be.

I would lying I said I didn't still love you. But it's not the present you that I love. It's what you were or what I thought you were. That's who I love. 

Good luck! Your gonna need it


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## anchorwatch

Do you read?

Awareness


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## Lostinthought61

don't tell her boss yet hold that card until you are certain you get everything you want out of her


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## NoMoreTears4me

From the time I was a kid, maybe 13 years old, I always wanted to be a father. I always wanted sons of my own. That may sound strange but its true

I remember when my first son was born my dad pulled me aside and told me "It will be ok son, don't be scared you will be a good Dad". I remember looking at him like he was crazy. Of course I will be a good Dad. I loved my son since he was a blip on the sonogram. I had no fear at all. I was excited. Cried my head off when he came out. There was nothing I wanted more and nothing that I have ever loved so instantly. 

When my second son was born I was just as excited, just not as scared of the whole birthing process. I didn't feel any different about him. I felt he was more of a gift for my oldest. Every boy needs a brother.

Since those days I have had times when I was a great dad and times when I failed. A few things I always did. I always told my boys I loved them. Every day multiple times a day. And when ever I spanked or punished them. I always returned that night to explain what I did and why and that I loved them.

I've been a cub scout leader, boy scout leader, baseball coach, basketball coach, and soccer coach. I have no child hood experience at any of those things. Regardless I did it for my boys. Probably made a fool out of my self in the process.

My sons and my family have always come first. In fact I neglected my own family, brothers, mother etc in favor of my family. 

So what do I regret? I think I may have spoiled them a little. I think I failed at teaching them the value of a dollar, although I tried. 

I didn't pay enough attention to their school work. My wife handled that while I did sports and recreation.

I always made their birthdays special, vacations the best I could do, and encouraged sleep overs and lots of activities with friend.

Is it strange that my 15 and my 10 year old love to hop in the bed with me and lay next to each other and watch movies? Its probably our most favorite thing to do. We just sit and watch tv and talk about when I was a kid. I tell them about the good ole days when you could do prank calls and stuff. They love those stories. My 15 year old son feels no shame for hugging his dad. I can remember that age and would never think of showing affection to my father as a 15 year old boy.

Although I am not a perfect Dad I sure try my best. I may be a lot of things, bad husband, failed partner in marriage, and not a good son. But I think I have been the best Dad I know how to be.


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## Pluto2

HI NMT4,
Just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you and the boys. I don't know what your plans are for Thanksgiving, but could I suggest you get the guys to pitch in-make a pie!
Thinking good thoughts!


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## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks Pluto. 

Things are still rough but getting better. The betrayal is so fresh in my mind. We are going to my mothers for thanksgiving. Im taking the boys with me cause my ex "has plans". Nice huh? 2 weeks away was not enough. 

Anyway thanks for the good thoughts and your help. It is much appreciated.


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## NoMoreTears4me

My new emotion: Journal entry for the day

I came from divorced parents. My mother cheated on my dad when I was 13. I remember the divorce, the arguing and I remember how it affected my Dad.

I remember thinking it was not fair that my mom did something wrong and my dad had to move out.

I hated the other man. He moved in with us only a few month later. I intentionally took out all my hate on that guy. When he was gone I turned my resentment to my mother. 

I'm 44 years old and I still hold some of that resentment today. I have since forgiven and I don't think about it much anymore but the hurt is still there.

So today I started to feel sorry for her. She doesn't care what I think but she has to care what her son thinks. He is disappointed in her and ashamed. She has hurt his Dad and has left them for 3 weeks during the very height of pain to be with another man. They will never forget that. 

She sent a text to my youngest that she was bringing him back something. My oldest was upset by this. He doesn't want any presents from her little vacation time. It disgusts me to think she can buy them off.

My oldest is 15. He is not stupid and will remember this his whole life. I think I should have hidden this from him and maybe I should have. But its not right what she is doing and he has figured most of it out on his own. 

I told him this morning that I love him and his mother loves him. But he does not have to love what she is doing and has done. That she needs to ask for forgiveness for what she has done. 

I think about how great my kids are and the thought of hurting them is foreign to me. I would rather die than put them through this pain. I never knew that selfishness had such bounds. Its amazing.

I promise to dedicate my time to my boys more so than ever. I promise to never let them down like she has. I promise to be a shoulder to cry on for them forever till my dying day.

I'm so confused on how to console my son. I don't remember what would have made me feel better at the time. 

So to stay in my theme for the title of this entry. Pity is what I feel for her now. Not for the eventual crash and burn of her exit affair. But for the new relationship with her son that she does not even know she has. For the years it will take for her to ever be seen in the same light as before. She does not comprehend the amount of work it will take for her to be forgiven by him. And eventually even though it wont have the same impact, my oldest will tell the youngest. He will have a moment when he remembers all this and will understand what happened. The pain for him will not be as sharp but he will wonder why and have no answers like I do.


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## JohnA

Hmm, you are going to your morther's not your father's for thanksgiving. You spoke of your anger at her and mentioned you reconcilled. Your sons, because of their mother's choices, are you. What happened between you and your mother and how do you expect her to support you and YOUR FAMILY now. Perhaps you need to have a discussion with your mother in this matter. 

Remember you have been fired. Your first and only prioity now is your family (you and your sons)


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well my moms 3rd marriage ended a few years ago. She was married to her husband at that time about 10 years. He cheated on her.
She called my Dad, this is now about 25 years after they divorced, and apologized. Said she now knew how he felt and was sorry. 

So.... I guess she does understand both sides now.


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## JohnA

I will add one comment about your pity.

The period after divorce you will either grow in self awarness and as a person or devolve and degrees as a person. One or the other there is no between. Choose ! This is only on you. If you choose to evolve you will experience a lot of trail and error. Keep pushing.

Shockingly I found I had matured into a person who is reversed but not shy. Empathic and soft spoken but at times extremely blunt. Empathic but after careful thought extremely bais in my core beliefs. Basis: a set of beliefs and actions held to until proven wrong or in need of modification. I am content with this. It is part of who I want to be. 

So in regards to pity and your ex, I am with wieghtlifter "I am Klingon !"

I will never lift a hand to harm my ex. If by chance I discovered her in need of CPR/medical help I will stop and call 911. I do have experience with emt, but no, she fired me. Maybe the EMT gets there in time, maybe they don't. As to her AP, I am public spirited and he is a public nuisance.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Ok Im gonna try not and post anything negative for a while. Here is a story from my childhood. Maybe I can make someone laugh
When I was a kid me and my three brothers lived in a single wide mobile home. My Mom and Dads bedroom on one end, mine and my three brothers on the other end. My brothers and I slept in the same bed, the bottom bunk of a bunk bed.

At bedtime it was a constant battle for my Mom to get us to go to sleep. We got the constant ," If I have to come in there" speech.

One night we were laying in bed and acting up as usual. I was probably 10, my brothers were 5 and 4. We were playing a game where one of us would sneak out the window, run around the house, then crawl back in and back in the bed.

We had done this a few times and of course giggling and daring each other to do more.

About this time my mother came in because she could not take it anymore. She proceeded to reach into the bottom bed and smack whatever she could reach. She left with a "Don't make me come back in here"!

After the door slammed my brother, the 5 year old, peaked over the window and snuck back in. The whole time my mother was spanking 2 kids instead of 3. We just laid there and took the beating without saying a word. Both of us afraid she was going to discover she was missing one kid.

Im 44 years old and just now told my mother this story recently. She was shocked and surprised. But I think after 34 years we got away with it!


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## DanielleBennett

I honestly don't know what to expect, but she played you hard and in the future I would not trust her, no matter how much you love her, because she just showed you that you can't. Document everything you can, even everything she tells you. Be honest when you go to the hearing, that you thought she was going to work it out and you never received a notice for court. Change your locks in your house so she can't go in there and go through your stuff. Have your neighbor get your mail during the day, anything. It's possible that she hid the subpoena from you unless you had to sign it when the sheriff delivered...good luck though.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Pain please go away.

How could you hurt me like this? I don't understand. I gave you so much. So many memories. I loved you.

I don't deserve this . 

I've been drinking so forgive me


----------



## tech-novelist

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Pain please go away.
> 
> How could you hurt me like this? I don't understand. I gave you so much. So many memories. I loved you.
> 
> I don't deserve this .
> 
> I've been drinking so forgive me


Don't go anywhere; you have friends here...


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## NoMoreTears4me

I'm not just laying n bed feeling sorry for myself .


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## tech-novelist

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I'm not just laying n bed feeling sorry for myself .


Glad to hear it.

It will get better eventually.


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## VeryHurt

You will feel better each day. Trust me on this. I know you're lonely and angry. Part of you misses her and part hates her. My psychiatrist told me this flip-flopping is normal. You must be strong for your sons.


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## Pluto2

Maybe she's good at hiding her true nature.
Maybe she gave you signs of it, and you didn't notice. It happens. Work, life, kids we tend to dismiss a lot red flags as we go through the motions of life.
And now you know.


Absolutely, without a doubt, you deserve better than you got.

So now you go about the painful process of rebuilding your life. You focus on the kids, and be selfish with yourself. Every day will get better.


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## NoMoreTears4me

I feel better now . I just keep going up and down. I think she is back from her Florida F%# fest. She has gifts for the boys! How nice.

She has destroyed her relationship with her oldest. And she has no idea! He will never look at her the same. 

I refuse to talk to her or look at her at all. Can't wait till she comes gets her things. They are all boxed up nice in the garage. She is gonna be shocked. She felt like she was gonna get a round 2 of moving things out while I'm upset. The police will be here waiting on her when she gets here. I will not have any more of her drama.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Deception is an intentional act. It's not an accident. It is planned and rehearsed in the mind till blame and guilt are erased.

Disguised as self preservation and redirected as hate toward the innocent spouse. 

Words are used like "you don't trust me" or "you are controlling". All part of the lies to continue the game you are playing with other peoples lives.

Those that are deceived wake up too late. They discover they were fools. There is no shame in being that fool. You gave trust, understanding and loyalty to the other person. They accepted those gifts and used them as tools.

Shame on the deceptive ways of the cheating spouse. You will never understand the pain till you feel it yourself. 

You fooled me, your friends, your children, and your family. But you cannot decieve yourself or God. One day you will have to answer to both.

There is some relief for the deceiver. Forgiveness from those you hurt. But forgiveness must be sought and you will never seek that which you don't even realize you need.


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## Dude007

Don't worry no more tears, you are alreay healing. She is broken and most likely forever. The hurt is there to build the defenses and detatch so embrace it. It's medicine. If you need a cold beer or two to cope by all means!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Had about 6 last night. Almost texted the stupid tramp. I will not be her the satisfaction of seeing me broken again


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## Dude007

What are you drinking? Go high end, maybe an IPA. Don't go domestic!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Yuengling or blue moon


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## VeryHurt

NMT4M ~

Do not text her !!!!!!

You may think she is happy and carefree but she has demons !!

Be Strong !!

VH


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## Dude007

She's jacked up! Stick w blue moon!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well I know what a trigger is now. I see something on tv that reminds of her and I lose it. I couldn't stop it. Had to go in the closet so the boys would not hear me. 

I am so upset on how she is so un feeling in how the boys must be feeling. We all take a back seat to her selfishness. 

I just broke down. This has to stop I'm a grown ass man. 

I feel like I did on day one. 

I took an ambian maybe I will sleep. How can anybody be so uncaring thoughtless and selfish. There are no answers.

Sorry just venting I didn't know what else to do.

I hope his **** was worth it. I shouldn't think this way but she is a *****!


----------



## VeryHurt

Normal reaction.
You are emotional drained.
Deceived.
Confused.
Angry.
Feel free to go into the closet anytime you feel the need.
Be Strong.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well I know what a trigger is now. I see something on tv that reminds of her and I lose it. I couldn't stop it. Had to go in the closet so the boys would not hear me.
> 
> I am so upset on how she is so un feeling in how the boys must be feeling. We all take a back seat to her selfishness.
> 
> I just broke down. This has to stop I'm a grown ass man.
> 
> I feel like I did on day one.
> 
> I took an ambian maybe I will sleep. How can anybody be so uncaring thoughtless and selfish. There are no answers.
> 
> Sorry just venting I didn't know what else to do.
> 
> I hope his **** was worth it. I shouldn't think this way but she is a *****!


It wasn't worth it. You are GRIEVING!!! Saying goodbye to your wife, to the life you had, to the dreams you had! These losses go WAY BEYOND her!! Your emotional state is overwhelming your logical state, but is all temporary!!! A GREAT NEW LIFE LIES AHEAD I PROMISE!! You will look back on this time and LAUGH in a few years. DUDE


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## Pluto2

well maybe not actually laugh, but I bet in a few years you will come up with a couple of zingers that would make others chuckle.

This is the worst of it, and when you add in the holidays-its just too much at times.
Keep breathing, force yourself to look forward, not behind. Detachment will lead to peace. That means getting to a place where you accept, yep, she lied, cheated, betrayed, used people, yessiree she did. 

And what does she get in return? She gets MEH. 
She doesn't get to be the source of any further pain for you, she doesn't get to occupy your mind or your heart. You will no longer be occupied with the "how could she do this to our family" agony. Every minute you focus on her, well, you are focusing on her. Focus on you.

Are you working out, going to the gym? How's the house coming along?


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## NoMoreTears4me

House is coming along, got new dryer installed, got a vacuum cleaner, have cleaned mostly all the closets and unpacked stuff from our move in 3 years ago. House is cleaner than it ever has been. Found all kinds of stuff from the kids childhood. She aint getting none of it. Being a **** has a price.

Working out.... was going to start this weekend but got a little down and didn't. I think after thanksgiving will be a good start date. 

Thinking of going to a gym. I really want to get started I know it will help me.

Just found out a few minutes ago that she is still down there. Was supposed to come back Friday. So I guess she is spending the holidays with this guy and people down there as opposed to her kids and her mother that just moved her.

She is a real piece of work. I cant understand it. It is affecting my son and I hate her for it. He is so mad at her now. She thinks she is going to come back and hug him and all will be good. I don't think its going to work that way.

Hard to focus today. Got so much work to do. I feel like im starting over. Whatever I do I cannot talk to her. If I do I will break down.

Your right I have to focus on me! ME ME ME ME. I have to do it.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> House is coming along, got new dryer installed, got a vacuum cleaner, have cleaned mostly all the closets and unpacked stuff from our move in 3 years ago. House is cleaner than it ever has been. Found all kinds of stuff from the kids childhood. She aint getting none of it. Being a **** has a price.
> 
> Working out.... was going to start this weekend but got a little down and didn't. I think after thanksgiving will be a good start date.
> 
> Thinking of going to a gym. I really want to get started I know it will help me.
> 
> Just found out a few minutes ago that she is still down there. Was supposed to come back Friday. So I guess she is spending the holidays with this guy and people down there as opposed to her kids and her mother that just moved her.
> 
> She is a real piece of work. I cant understand it. It is affecting my son and I hate her for it. He is so mad at her now. She thinks she is going to come back and hug him and all will be good. I don't think its going to work that way.
> 
> Hard to focus today. Got so much work to do. I feel like im starting over. Whatever I do I cannot talk to her. If I do I will break down.
> 
> Your right I have to focus on me! ME ME ME ME. I have to do it.


You are at the beginning of the rest of your life. Make it BADASS!!! Go the gym, get a dirt bike, stay away from Vegas, and what ever you do, DO NOT DRINK DOMESTIC BEER!!!


----------



## Dude007

Pluto2 said:


> well maybe not actually laugh, but I bet in a few years you will come up with a couple of zingers that would make others chuckle.
> 
> This is the worst of it, and when you add in the holidays-its just too much at times.
> Keep breathing, force yourself to look forward, not behind. Detachment will lead to peace. That means getting to a place where you accept, yep, she lied, cheated, betrayed, used people, yessiree she did.
> 
> And what does she get in return? She gets MEH.
> She doesn't get to be the source of any further pain for you, she doesn't get to occupy your mind or your heart. You will no longer be occupied with the "how could she do this to our family" agony. Every minute you focus on her, well, you are focusing on her. Focus on you.
> 
> Are you working out, going to the gym? How's the house coming along?


Yes, actually LAUGH...Cmon PLUTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


----------



## Pluto2

Dude007 said:


> Yes, actually LAUGH...Cmon PLUTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


I love you Dude!
Thank goodness there are so many different ways to view this world and I'm happy you have your way.


----------



## Dude007

Pluto2 said:


> I love you Dude!
> Thank goodness there are so many different ways to view this world and I'm happy you have your way.


Follow me!! I'll get you there...DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Question:

What kind of info can I obtain with first name last name phone number and date of birth?


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Question:
> 
> What kind of info can I obtain with first name last name phone number and date of birth?


Is this the newDUDES info?


----------



## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Question:
> 
> What kind of info can I obtain with first name last name phone number and date of birth?


More than you legally should... lol

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Is this the newDUDES info?


Yes


----------



## aine

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well I know what a trigger is now. I see something on tv that reminds of her and I lose it. I couldn't stop it. Had to go in the closet so the boys would not hear me.
> 
> I am so upset on how she is so un feeling in how the boys must be feeling. We all take a back seat to her selfishness.
> 
> I just broke down. This has to stop I'm a grown ass man.
> 
> I feel like I did on day one.
> 
> I took an ambian maybe I will sleep. How can anybody be so uncaring thoughtless and selfish. There are no answers.
> 
> Sorry just venting I didn't know what else to do.
> 
> I hope his **** was worth it. I shouldn't think this way but she is a *****!


It is better for you in the long term to go through the grieving process, it is natural and your body's way of preparing you for your better future and helping you to process the event bit by bit, do not fight it, embrace it.


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Question:
> 
> What kind of info can I obtain with first name last name phone number and date of birth?


Lots of "stuff" .........why do you ask?
Behave NMT4M !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## VeryHurt

Dude007 said:


> Follow me!! I'll get you there...DUDE


Dude ~
Can I follow you too ?????
VH


----------



## Dude007

Of course, I can get almost anyone willing to follow my thought process on the other side of hurt n bitterness. 

Now no more tears, why are you getting a background check on OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Lots of "stuff" .........why do you ask?
> Behave NMT4M !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I want more info about this guy. I want to work out timelines and when this crap started.

I know I don't want to know but part of me does


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Of course, I can get almost anyone willing to follow my thought process on the other side of hurt n bitterness.
> 
> Now no more tears, why are you getting a background check on OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want to know how long this has been going on. I want to know if he has a house here as well. I want to know what kind of person he is incase she brings him around my kids


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I want to know how long this has been going on. I want to know if he has a house here as well. I want to know what kind of person he is incase she brings him around my kids


You can pull a fairly extensive background check with the information you have, just don't flip out if this has been going on for years..DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ill try not to


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Well I had some info wrong and found some I didn't know.

I had phone number address and name correct. I discovered his middle initial and that helped. I had birthdate correct as well.

I found out he purchased his home from a woman that lived with him that filed a domestic violence charge against him a month before she sold him the house.

I cant tell if he's married now not showing up.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well I had some info wrong and found some I didn't know.
> 
> I had phone number address and name correct. I discovered his middle initial and that helped. I had birthdate correct as well.
> 
> I found out he purchased his home from a woman that lived with him that filed a domestic violence charge against him a month before she sold him the house.
> 
> I cant tell if he's married now not showing up.


Ok, but promise me you are not drinking domestic beer? You NEVER want to lower your beer standards during times like these..DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

blue moon right now


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> blue moon right now


PERFECT!!! You are on the road to healing, BTW No orange peel...DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Maybe it's a good sign. No one has heard from my ex in days and I don't care. She has not texted my youngest in almost two days. 

Normally I would be worried sick. Imagining all kinds of bad things. Calling people to figure out if she is ok. 

But I don't care if she is ok. If she has put herself in a bad spot so be it. Not my problem right?

I miss her and still think about her. But I am not really concerned right now if she is ok or safe. That's strange to say but it's true.

I may be letting go slowly or it could just be the emotion of this particular minute.


----------



## JohnA

Your wife is in the fog, so dense it is almost solid. I grew up NJ and every decade it seemed like there was a hundred car pile up on the NJ Turnpike in the meadow lands. Which sums up the effect her fog has had on you and your children.

At this point she will (like my exBIL trophy ****) will make it all about him. So keep digging. You know of one complaint against him. If it is factually true - there are more. Use them to force denial of access to kids by him. Talk to his exGF and ex-wife to gain leverage. 

Where is she living ? SS stops if they are living together. I know you can afford it, but would you turn down a 6,000 dollar raise?

Keep track of actual days spent by each child with her. After a year push for a sliding scale. 

Please confirm that both she and posm work for the same company and he work for her at some point. This is huge, most companies in general do not like personal relationships in the work place but will ignore it to some degree. No company wants the legal mess a supervisor - subordinate relationship can cause. They also do want to deal with subordinates questioning raises, promotions and sales leads. 

Yea - she is in a dense fog. Stay away and keep your kids away from it.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Maybe it's a good sign. No one has heard from my ex in days and I don't care. She has not texted my youngest in almost two days.
> 
> Normally I would be worried sick. Imagining all kinds of bad things. Calling people to figure out if she is ok.
> 
> But I don't care if she is ok. If she has put herself in a bad spot so be it. Not my problem right?
> 
> I miss her and still think about her. But I am not really concerned right now if she is ok or safe. That's strange to say but it's true.
> 
> I may be letting go slowly or it could just be the emotion of this particular minute.


So this might be the start of detaching.
Eventually, you try to get to the point where their lives impact you about as much as the UPS guy's. You don't wish them ill, and if you were present when they got hit by a moving car you'd call 911-and then let it go. Remember she's fired you from your prior job of taking care of her.

You might be able to go on the local court website (if you have a full name or a case no.) and get the disposition of the DV charge. Just a thought. I wouldn't want my kids around someone who is violent. On the other hand, its not like they are around him now, is it?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

They are with me. Going on 3 weeks now.

If he moves up here and moves in with her I'm pretty sure my oldest would not stay. Then I will continue my research and find more.

I pray that doesn't happen


----------



## Dude007

This may sound a lil off the wall for this forum but do you possibly have the wherewithal to give this guy some walking money? Maybe $10k and he dumps her. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

He can have her. I could do that. But don't think it would work. He prob makes 130k + working in Afghanistan.

If I find out he has a past more than I found I will pursue with my lawyer. 

She is not thinking like a mother or a rational person.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> He can have her.
> She is not thinking like a mother or a rational person.


Sounds like you are detaching fast...All those long cries in the closet are paying dividends! GO YOU! DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

All the thought of her sleeping with another man disgusts me. I refuse to ever enter that thing again. 

He can have her lies and bullcrap. I don't think it will take long for him to wise up


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> All the thought of her sleeping with another man disgusts me. I refuse to ever enter that thing again.
> 
> He can have her lies and bullcrap. I don't think it will take long for him to wise up


Was she a virgin when you met? Just curious DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

No

But we have been together for 22 years so to me she was.

I haven't been with anyone else in 22 years and if I was I would understand her not wanting me.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> No
> 
> But we have been together for 22 years so to me she was.
> 
> I haven't been with anyone else in 22 years and if I was I would understand her not wanting me.


Some people just trip off line some times and blow their life up. I know its impossible to comprehend at the moment, but there will come a time when she is crying about it that you will most likely feel sorry for her. In the interim, try and go logically of how you get the best out of the deal now. She may get her head on straight in a month or two and you wont be able to get a big settlement. DUDE


----------



## farsidejunky

Dude007 said:


> Some people just trip off line some times and blow their life up. I know its impossible to comprehend at the moment, but there will come a time when she is crying about it that you will most likely feel sorry for her. In the interim, try and go logically of how you get the best out of the deal now. She may get her head on straight in a month or two and you wont be able to get a big settlement. DUDE


This. Use her urgency to get the best possible deal for you.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

It's done we are divorced the settlement phases over. I didn't find out till after.


----------



## Dude007

When divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Official the second day she was gone on her 3 week "vacation"


----------



## HobbesTheTiger

Are you in counselling to help you deal with the betrayal, trauma and everything? Please, do so...

Also, google "Toxic parents pdf" and "No more mr. nice guy pdf", two excellent books available online for free that might help you tremendously. Best wishes


----------



## Pluto2

Happy Thanksgiving!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

HobbesTheTiger said:


> Are you in counselling to help you deal with the betrayal, trauma and everything? Please, do so...
> 
> Also, google "Toxic parents pdf" and "No more mr. nice guy pdf", two excellent books available online for free that might help you tremendously. Best wishes


No I can't afford it. I wish I could


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well I had some info wrong and found some I didn't know.
> 
> I had phone number address and name correct. I discovered his middle initial and that helped. I had birthdate correct as well.
> 
> I found out he purchased his home from a woman that lived with him that filed a domestic violence charge against him a month before she sold him the house.
> 
> I cant tell if he's married now not showing up.


NMT4M ~

Did I read this correctly?

A woman filed a Domestic Abuse charge against him?

Does your wife know this?

VH


----------



## Marc878

[QUOqTE=NoMoreTears4me;14014809]What did Plan B do to you? 

Its easy to say I would not wait till she got right in the head. But I still love her. I know she doesnt love me.[/QUOTE]

You are in love with who you thought she was. That woman does not exist. 

Reading your thread is pretty painful.

Go back thru and read it. Pretend it's some one you don't know or a friend. 

What would you think???? What advice would you give him?

You really need s good dose of reality and wake up.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> They are with me. Going on 3 weeks now.
> 
> If he amoves up here and moves in with her I'm pretty sure my oldest would not stay. Then I will continue my research and find more.
> 
> I pray that doesn't happen


Sounds like she loves her kids about as much as she loves you.

Gone three weeks from them? Hmmmm, start documenting for full custody. If she marries OM he will be helping raise them.

Ramp up the search on him it may help.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> NMT4M ~
> 
> Did I read this correctly?
> 
> A woman filed a Domestic Abuse charge against him?
> 
> Does your wife know this?
> 
> VH


Correct and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know. It's been tough to find what I have but I'm gonna keep looking


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Correct and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know. It's been tough to find what I have but I'm gonna keep looking


She won't believe it even if a judge told her. Getting her back permanently will never happen. Realize this.

However, something like this could help in getting the kids. She doesn't want them anyway. What mother would dump them off and disappear for three weeks?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> She won't believe it even if a judge told her. Getting her back permanently will never happen. Realize this.
> 
> However, something like this could help in getting the kids. She doesn't want them anyway. What mother would dump them off and disappear for three weeks?



Exactly, a piece of trash that's who


----------



## Marc878

Sorry man. I hope you realize you can never fix her. 

You've seemed to be in denial of what you're dealing with. Harden yourself and go after your kids.

You seem to be a great dad. Do not waste any more time on her. Even if she would try and come back the end result will always be the same.

You'll waste your life on this and have nothing.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know I don't want her back. She is not the same person and has turned into something I am not attracted to in any way.

Your right I love who she was nor who she is now


----------



## Dude007

She loved who she was and hates who she is now! Trust me on this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt

Dude007 said:


> She loved who she was and hates who she is now! Trust me on this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


D7
Do you truly believe that cheaters hate themselves?
Why are there so many out there?
It's like the damn plague!
VH


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Exactly, a piece of trash that's who


NMT4M
How can she spend 3 weeks in FL?
Doesn't she work?
What about the OW?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> NoMoreTears4me said:
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly, a piece of trash that's who
> 
> 
> 
> NMT4M
> How can she spend 3 weeks in FL?
> Doesn't she work?
> What about the OW?
Click to expand...

Originally is was 2 weeks. She has vacation time. At some point she decided to stay through thanksgiving.

This was before I figured out what she was doing and while she was signing the final papers.

What's even more messed up is she just helped her mom move to where we live from 2 states away . She left her alone during thanksgiving in a state with no family and friends. 

Her selfishness has no bounds. Right now she is probably all cuddled up with her new boyfriend. Makes me want to puke


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Well only a few more days a she will have to come back to reality. 

I'm trying to imagine how she will face her son. She has to be curious of what he knows. She doesn't care about hurting me but I'm sure him knowing will hurt her.

He has been putting things together too. Told me a few things he figured out.

What is yalls opinion on how she will interact with my oldest now?


----------



## farsidejunky

It is hard to speculate. But you are wasting entirely too much energy trying to figure her out. 

What will happen will happen. Focus on you and your son, and what actually IS happening.

Until then, continue to love on your son so that he has no doubt to whom he can turn when his anger starts to get the best of him.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well only a few more days a she will have to come back to reality.
> 
> I'm trying to imagine how she will face her son. She has to be curious of what he knows. She doesn't care about hurting me but I'm sure him knowing will hurt her.
> 
> He has been putting things together too. Told me a few things he figured out.
> 
> What is yalls opinion on how she will interact with my oldest now?


If the kids are old enough you tell them the truth then let her deal with it. Move on with your life. Check out the POS for custody though


----------



## JohnA

You need to spend time reading about the effects of the fog on a WS. Must WS never fully leave. It takes the type of inner strength few posses. Read about what she did to her mom. What did her mom do for thanksgiving? 

You need to prepare for the trainwreak her life will continue to inflict on you and your sons. The OM I get the sense he is a field engineer or a salesperson who travels a lot. If so she will try to fill the hole of being alone with your sons and when this relationships spirals down, with other men. 

Yep, really healthy for your sons. Extras in a drama of a mother who can't stand being alone.


----------



## JohnA

MattMatt has a thread titled "cheaters script". Spend time reading it and try to see how WS will vary it to use on your sons.


----------



## Dude007

VeryHurt said:


> D7
> Do you truly believe that cheaters hate themselves?
> Why are there so many out there?
> It's like the damn plague!
> VH


I'm not going to generalize but based on her exh I'm pretty sure I'm correct. She'll reach burnout soon and is probably scarred forever. Remember you can do far more damage to yourself than others can! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> MattMatt has a thread titled "cheaters script". Spend time reading it and try to see how WS will vary it to use on your sons.



I can't find it. You sure that's the title I would really like to read that


----------



## JohnA

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...aters-have-book-called-my-needs-my-needs.html

Also I think F-102 post on how affairs start (which could be titled "basic tactics 101 for players" would help you

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html

Also have you read "no more mister nice guy" ?

Let me know if the links work and your thoughts about them.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...aters-have-book-called-my-needs-my-needs.html
> 
> Also I think F-102 post on how affairs start (which could be titled "basic tactics 101 for players" would help you
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html
> 
> Also have you read "no more mister nice guy" ?
> 
> Let me know if the links work and your thoughts about them.


Yep some of those are familiar. I got these

I love you as the father of my children
I'm so confused
I'm not attracted to you anymore
You need help for your depression
Maybe we can try again in a year
Your controlling
No sex
Are we gonna have sex when we go to Disney?


----------



## JohnA

How does f-102 posts fit your wife?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I have Never heard her speak of this guy so it doesn't really fit


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Oh my god the dreams. Dreamed of her several times last night. Everything from begging her to asking why.
Woke up at 3 am crying. This morning sucks cause I'm back to reality again. 

Lord help me this hurts to much.


----------



## bfree

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Oh my god the dreams. Dreamed of her several times last night. Everything from begging her to asking why.
> Woke up at 3 am crying. This morning sucks cause I'm back to reality again.
> 
> Lord help me this hurts to much.


It's because your mind is still too preoccupied with her. What is she doing? What is she thinking? How will she and my son get along?

What you should be concentrating on is what am I doing? What am I thinking? How are my son and I getting along?

You've got to accept what has happened, not forgive, accept. You've got to fully understand that the part of your life that includes her is over now and a new chapter is beginning. This new phase of life could be incredible. This new time could be the most rewarding and happy time ever. But it only begins when you look forward and stop checking out the rear view mirror.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know. I was doing so good yesterday. I can't help it I was trying so hard.

The thoughts of never holding her again are over whelming.

I'm trying and will keep trying but for some reason I can't look at myself in the mirror this morning.

I'm ashamed, embarrassed and a whole bunch of other new emotions. 

22 years wasted. Half my life a failure. I don't think I will be one of the ones that recover.

Forgive me I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I have been avoiding the real problem, me.

We were together 22 years how do you get over that. Better question how did she get over it.
i have come to the conclusion that I am a bad person. It was not worth it for the kids for her to put up with me. I am a broken person who does not deserve love or family. I drove her into the arms of another. If I was so great she would never have looked twice at another man. But I must have pailed in comparison. I am not a man I am not a person. I just breath and exist. 
God forgive me. I destroyed my family not her. My actions, words, and personality are at fault. She deserved better than me and she found it. 
I hate myself. There is no outward explanation all I had to do was look inward. 

I understand the new relationship high she has now and that has blinded her to the kids. But if not for me she would not be in his arms. I am responsible. I was blind , she tried to tell me and I was blind. I thought we were fine. We were not. And now I pay.

I deserve this pain. I have been searching for answers and wanted to blame her. But it's me. I have no one else to blame.

Thanks for all the help guys but I think there is no help for me. It's nice to know I'm not alone but I think I'm different. I was not a good husband and I now I must reap what I have sown


----------



## VeryHurt

NMT4M ~

You are NOT feeling sorry for your yourself, you are responding to your life. 

Your soul just got crushed by shock and betrayal. 

You are going to have bad days and lousy days.

It is normal for you to miss her, hate her, want her back, hate her etc......your are in the beginning stages and you will flip-flop.

Keep posting here !!!

VH


----------



## Marc878

You're on a merry go round.

Fix yourself and move on. You seem like a great dad. 

Put a good plan together for the rest of your life and work towards it. Education, interests, diet, involvement with the kids, etc. time will cure the rest.

Your down today so what. We all do this.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Well just got home decided to start my workouts in the morning. House sure is big and lonely. 

Anyone want to come over and have a beer?


----------



## Marc878

One thing it'll always get better once you start making your lifestyle what you want it to be.

Hard to see that right now but it'll happen


----------



## Dude007

Nomorebeers4me,

I'd come over and have a few but just got back from the casino after win $300. What are you doing? Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Sitting here wishing a meteor to hit my ex


----------



## JohnA

Your responsible for her actions? Yea, you are on one hell of a pity trip on this roller coaster. 

You own your issues, she owns her's. 

She owns her adultery and the devastating of her sons. 

Do not ever allow her to see your pain ( she will only enjoy it !) or your self doubt (it will only validate her !).
She got played, I provided F-102 post as to how he did and how she let him. Her life will be a train wreck and there is a 90 percent chance she will attempt to involve/use you as a stop gap. Until she meets the man who really gets her, but won't disappoint her like posm OM. Repeat cycle, repeat cycle, repeat cycle, Sons begin to model either mother or father, next generation screwed up. 

Protect yourself for the next year by being the 180. Kids only discussed, stoic and diplomatic. Care to role play future conversations? If so like this comment or PM me.

John


----------



## Dude007

Are you drinking domestics again?!! Was in OK at the casino, all their beer is 3.2!!! Blaspheme dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Had to stop drinking it was making my depression worse. There is truth to the song there's a tear in my beer


----------



## VeryHurt

Marc, Dude, John & Tears ~
How come you guys never invite the girls over for beer?
Just sayin' ...........
VH


----------



## WorkingOnMe

VeryHurt said:


> Marc, Dude, John & Tears ~
> 
> How come you guys never invite the girls over for beer?
> 
> Just sayin' ...........
> 
> VH



Cause the girls are all lightweights! Lol


----------



## VeryHurt

WorkingOnMe said:


> Cause the girls are all lightweights! Lol


:crying:


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Maybe we can find you a wine cooler or something....


----------



## Dude007

VeryHurt said:


> Marc, Dude, John & Tears ~
> How come you guys never invite the girls over for beer?
> Just sayin' ...........
> VH


Cuz it's the girls who give us our tears for our beers???!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

My oldest is so hurt. His mom texts the youngest but has ignored hi, completely. In her mind she is waiting on him to come to her.

I sat my son down and told him he has nothing to apologize for. He has no reason to feel shame. Even if there was no affair she left for 3 weeks at the most difficult time of his life. There is no excuse for that.

He has been drowning himself in tv and games lately to take his mind off her. Today we will put up a tree. That might help.

I have to take my youngest to her today and the oldest stays with me still. It will stay that way till she moves out of her moms house.

He is scared of confronting his mom. I told him he does not have to. It would probably be best if he did let out his anger. But it takes a lot for him to do that. I told him to not talk to her if he didn't feel like it. I know what she is thinking. She is gonna hug him and tell him she loves him a d all will be ok. I think he thinks that will be a betrayal to me. I just don't know what to say to him. We have had long talks and he usually crys on my shoulder. We cry together and then we both feel a little better.

I hate her for what she is doing to such a great kid.


----------



## Marc878

VeryHurt said:


> Marc, Dude, John & Tears ~
> How come you guys never invite the girls over for beer?
> Just sayin' ...........
> VH


Cause I just fixed them Mimosas!!!! No kidding, I use orange/mango juice in mine. Should be fun after the third one I'm thinking


----------



## Pluto2

NMT, first I'm very glad you were there for your boys. Good dad material there.

Second, please never forget that adultery is ALWAYS a choice of someone with low morals and an inflated sense of entitlement. I have no idea what your marriage was like. But short of violence and abuse, she had the opportunity to work on the relationship and... chose not to. She could have come to you with any problems she thought she was having and ...... chose not to. She could have demanded you two go to marriage counseling and ...... chose not to. She could have been honest with you about the first divorce proceeding and ..... chose not to. She could have tried NOT to fleece you for everything the two of you accumulated during the marriage but ....chose not to. She could have NOT lied to you about a reconciliation and .....chose not to. She could have stayed in town and helped her kids adjust to the new reality and....chose not to.

Are you seeing a pattern here.
She opts for the easy way out, one that will cause her the least amount of responsibility and the greatest amount of instant gratification. She is a coward.

Life comes with its own set of bills to pay. Her relationship with your oldest is one of those bills. Her relationship with your extended family is another. Perhaps the OM will fall to the wayside in a few months, that's another bill. Life comes with consequences. She will have to deal with hers eventually.

And for what its worth, my ex hasn't communicated with our oldest in about a year. He has sent our younger a few texts, but has made no effort to see them this year. They are just fine. The anger subsides. And the more you get yourself squared away and just live day in and day out, the easier it becomes for them. Its tough when you realize one of you parents is an a$$, but its not the end of the world-I promise.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Thank you. Yes we had problems. Communication being one. I have never trusted her completely because she has a tendency to lie over the dumbest things. I have called her terrible names when we fought. I am not innocent. But I built up resentment for a long time over lack of sex and lack of respect and sometimes I would blow up. I was just as immature as she was when we fought.

But we had a great life. We had a great family. Yea it was not perfect but I loved her and thought she loved me. The main problem for me was her priority changed from family to herself and her job. Everyone noticed and we were all crazy. Even the boys noticed.

This selfishness is not new. Been going on for a few years. Of course it was always my fault. I sunk deeper into depression which she used as the reason to leave me. Nice huh? I'm depressed beyond anything and having thyroid issues and she grabs onto those facts to blame me for our marriage. 

I tried everything. Church, councilling, none worked. She didn't like counseling cause he was questioning her actions. We went 5 times and that was it. 

I do t show affection well with her. The boys I do but with her public affection was always hard for me. I tried to fix that I accepted that as my fault along with other things. I tried to fix myself. She changed nothing. She was perfect. She would say she had problems but did nothing to fix them. She asked me what I wanted. I told her more sex. She said she wanted me to be more loving. I tried and thought I was doing good but guess not. Sex got better then stopped completely in February. 

Anyway that's a big enough rant for now


----------



## Pluto2

You need some ChumpLady in your life. So keep reading until you honestly understand, her cheating was not your fault. You did not force her to go ka-noodle some guy. That was her choice.

Start here:
There's No Excuse for Cheating? But Here Are 7 Reasons Why It's Your Fault - ChumpLady.com


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks for that I needed it


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I've been thinking about something today.

I need to get it out of my system. I need to tell her she is a tramp and a *****. Just once I need to say it. 

Since she got back yesterday she will only send messages to me through my youngest. 

When I get my chance I'm gonna let her know exactly what I think of her. Then that's it. I want that to be the last words I say to her for a long time.


----------



## Marc878

Op for what it's worth, I'd tell her in a calm rational manner. No vulgarity. It'll stick home better that way. I get where you are but you should be the bigger person here. Yelling will soon be forgotten. Calm rational verbiage will not. I assure you.


----------



## Dude007

"I need to get it out of my system. I need to tell her she is a tramp and a *****. Just once I need to say it. "

She knows this already
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

You think she does? There has to be some shame there right? I would be


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> You think she does? There has to be some shame there right? I would be


Guilt, maybe some. But she doesn't care. 

The absolute best way is to go dark and never speak except texts on the kids, etc.

It's really a waste of time on your part. At some point she may say. "I'm so sorry" but if you have to respond just say it's meaningless 
Cheaterspeak.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> You think she does? There has to be some shame there right? I would be


Judging soley by who I belive you would have married she most likely hates herself and what she has done. I doubt she is a sociopath. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Sociopath no, but I believe in her mind she has a justification for every move she has made


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Sociopath no, but I believe in her mind she has a justification for every move she has made


And as we both know that justification will be removed over time and that's when she will hit rock bottom. Trust me!dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt

She will NEVER allow you to see her quilt and shame BUT it's there!


----------



## Dude007

VeryHurt said:


> She will NEVER allow you to see her quilt and shame BUT it's there!


I wouldn't use absolutes like never on anything based on "emotions " it's just statistically impossible. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

VeryHurt said:


> She will NEVER allow you to see her quilt and shame BUT it's there!


Exactly. Wisdom speaks.


Move on and plan the rest of your life well. Never look back on this.

You've wasted enough time on this already.


----------



## VeryHurt

Dude007 said:


> I wouldn't use absolutes like never on anything based on "emotions " it's just statistically impossible. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK D-7 : More than likely, she will not show you her shame and guilt but it's there!

Better ? :wink2:

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok guys I have been out of the game for a while tell me what ya think.

My brother had to go to the hospital over the weekend. All is good so...

Anyway I'm standing in the hall and a nurse comes up to us and asked if we needed anything. I joked and said a pizza. She laughed said she did too. My mom said she looked at me and smiled then looked at my ring hand.

My mom said she was interested in me. Kinda made me feel good but I think my mom was crazy.

My mom said she knows what she saw.

Blah blah just trying to make me feel better I think


----------



## Dude007

Nah I can tell you Are an emotional guy and women eat that sheet up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

Bad choice of pick up lines

Hi, Jesus your hot my pants are splitting,

Good choice

Hi you look really chipper today, are you having a great day?
15 second conversation
Politely say have a good day, 

Stop thinking in terms of picking girls in bars. Take time to heal, make an effort to be in social situations, be patience. Oh and nobody ever feeds a hungry dog, might create an obligation.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I was just being nice wasn't trying to hit on her. I am just too dumb to realize if she was giving me a sign. I would not of acted even if she was. I'm not ready. I'd it was true it made me feel good for a second


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok guys I have been out of the game for a while tell me what ya think.
> 
> My brother had to go to the hospital over the weekend. All is good so...
> 
> Anyway I'm standing in the hall and a nurse comes up to us and asked if we needed anything. I joked and said a pizza. She laughed said she did too. My mom said she looked at me and smiled then looked at my ring hand.
> 
> My mom said she was interested in me. Kinda made me feel good but I think my mom was crazy.
> 
> My mom said she knows what she saw.
> 
> Blah blah just trying to make me feel better I think


Trust me on this Teary, she WAS checking you out. I am a RN and when I was working in a hospital setting, I did not have two seconds to take a piss never mind asking a visitor "if they needed anything!"

:x:wink2::x:wink2::x


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok well now I feel good


----------



## Marc878

OH trust me if your mom saw it. It was there.

One question though?

You did not have the damn ring on did you???


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

No it's not on


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> No it's not on


Whew. I'm so glad. 

I had a 2x4 ready.

Nurses make good money. So the thing you have to understand is unless you provide details it didn't happen.

Now, what did she look like???be specific.

None of this duh uh she looked good stuff.

Spill it!!!!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

She was way too young for me. In her twenties. Hair in pony rail brunette. Not thin but not out of shape either. I thought she was attractive . But I am way too old for her. It was just nice to think about.


----------



## Marc878

Nice to see you lighten up a bit.

So let's say she had a friend also in her 20's that would add up to 40's

Wouldn't it?? 

Op you gotta start thinkin outside the box a bit


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Its Monday. Back to reality. I hate Mondays.

Started working out yesterday. I am not over weight but I am out of shape. I started slow and will continue today. 

Talked to lawyer this morning. She has one last piece of paperwork and I'm leaving her check to buy her out of the house with him.
All her stuff is packed up nice and neat in the garage and im ready for her to come get it. 

I want this far behind me. I'm still sad and upset but ever so slightly better. I'm just anxious about the future and it really sucks.

I decorated the house for xmas. Split up the xmas stuff while I was at it. 

I am dreading her taking both boys for a week. You guys will defiantly hear from me. 

It doesn't seem to bother her at all to be away from them. What the freak is wrong with her. 

Anyway
Happy Monday


----------



## Marc878

You will never understand her. No one can. She may not even understand herself.

You are wasting time that you'll never get back. The thing is from here on out it'll get much better even though it doesn't seem like it now. That will also depend on you. 

You've gotten most of this behind you so try and think of it as a new life. You can do anything you want to with it and all you have to think about now is the kids. Get a life plan on where you want to be and accomplish in the next year, 2, 3 or 5 years and work for it.

I would try and stay as dark as I could with her, never call and just text in dealing with the kids. All business. You'll be surprised how fast you'll move on.

If you can do these things you'll do well


----------



## bfree

OP, I agree with the other posters. Staying dark is your best choice. But if you absolutely must say something just look at her with pity in your eyes and calmly tell her that you are disappointed in her. Then turn and walk away. That's it. Trust me, that short statement said just like that will have a much bigger impact than any rant you unleash.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I have not spoken to her in about a month. I don't plan on it anytime soon. 

I started working out yesterday. Forgot how much that sucks! 

Im trying to plan stuff for the holidays for the boys. Im sure presents will not be what they were in the past.

I really appreciate all the help guys. I know I whine and complain a lot. I hate thinking about her and wish I could stop. 

When do we all meet up for beer?


----------



## JohnA

The short term does not matter to her because everything is going to be great with her new life. In her fog reality she and the kids will replace you with the posm. The kids just don't know it yet. This is the "me time" in her mind a period of tempory absentence while she gets a new wonderful life for her and and her children. 

We have discussed the toxic nature of the individual's involved with her company. You are in the same boat as a women who's husband is taking up with a stripper. You need to be very aware of the history of the people she will expose your children to. Get the info pass to your attorney and let her lower the boom. When your wife goes insane (and she will) your reponse "it is what it is, please talk to my lawyer".

Tone of the letter Dear Ms. EX it has come to our attention you have develped a relationship with "Y" by his recent interaction with your children. We have completed a background check on "Y" and here are the results. Due to our findings "Y" is not fit to associate with your children. If any interaction between him and your children going foward we will be forced to file for sole custody. These forms are aiso included for your review but have not been filed. While we do wish you sucess with your new relationship, it is impossible for you to do so with your children allowed to interact with "Y".

cc "Y"


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## JohnA

I base my advise on a women I know. The husband kept the stripper and ignored the letter. Wife HAD her lawyer file. Husband went insane confronting wife on several occasions. Wife responded as I have advised you to. After second confrontation with ex, her lawyer filed RO. At all times wife was stoic and diplomatic, always responding it is regretful (not sorry) it has come to this, please have out lawyers discuss this matter. 

Wife got court order baring contact with OW and the wife's children.


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## NoMoreTears4me

That would be great. unfortunately for me this guy works over seas and is back and forth. I will collect what I can and keep my ear to the ground. If she brings him around the kids or god forbid moves in with him. That is when I will defiantly pursue further. 

Right now im just digging as much as I can get.

Your right though. She is delusional right now. She has to be to go away for 3 weeks and not talk to her kids. I am expecting a few other changes in her that I suspect but don't know yet. 

I feel sorry for my sons. They don't need this crap.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I have not spoken to her in about a month. I don't plan on it anytime soon.
> 
> I started working out yesterday. Forgot how much that sucks!
> 
> Im trying to plan stuff for the holidays for the boys. Im sure presents will not be what they were in the past.
> 
> I really appreciate all the help guys. I know I whine and complain a lot. I hate thinking about her and wish I could stop.
> 
> When do we all meet up for beer?


I gained 4 lbs in 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Too much beer and food!!!! Just got back from the gym...DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Wow! You got some work to do then. 

I am going to try to start lifting. I have always been mostly a running cardio guy.

Im gonna try though. Cant hurt right?


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wow! You got some work to do then.
> 
> I am going to try to start lifting. I have always been mostly a running cardio guy.
> 
> Im gonna try though. Cant hurt right?


Thanks! Can you tell I'm depressed???!! HA FATDUDE


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## NoMoreTears4me

You don't sound depressed. I wish I had your attitude.

It was Turkey day weekend you get a pass on the 4 lbs


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## Dude007

Its shocking how FAST I can put it on!! I'm going to work out every day this week to offset...DUDE


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## NoMoreTears4me

How should I feel?

My son called me this evening and said they were on the way to the hospital my ex got in a wreck. I didn't know what to say so I just said ok. A minute later her mom called me to tell me the same thing . Those two are together so she knew he called me. I told her I would tell my oldest and left it at that. I did not ask how she was or anything. I'm not sure I cared .

I told my oldest and he called her but she could not talk she was in ambulance. He wasn't upset, like me he probably was unsure how to feel. He was more concerned than I was though.

I texted my youngest and asked if she was ok and he said yes. 

That's it I'm not going to call her. After what she put me through I don't know if I care.

Am I wrong?


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> How should I feel?
> 
> My son called me this evening and said they were on the way to the hospital my ex got in a wreck. I didn't know what to say so I just said ok. A minute later her mom called me to tell me the same thing . Those two are together so she knew he called me. I told her I would tell my oldest and left it at that. I did not ask how she was or anything. I'm not sure I cared .
> 
> I told my oldest and he called her but she could not talk she was in ambulance. He wasn't upset, like me he probably was unsure how to feel. He was more concerned than I was though.
> 
> I texted my youngest and asked if she was ok and he said yes.
> 
> That's it I'm not going to call her. After what she put me through I don't know if I care.
> 
> Am I wrong?


Nope, you are learning fast!!!

From your posts you are going to be just fine. All it takes is some time


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## Marc878

She probably got hit by the karma bus!


Hahahahahaha


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ya want to know something worse. I saw an ambulance on the way home and I said to my mom I hope it's her and she got in a wreck
. That one wasn't her but less than an hour later I got the call


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## Dude007

Maybe none of it really happened and it was all in your head??! Like my extra 4 pounds...dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Maybe they will do a cat scan and figure out what the hell is wrong with her


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## Dude007

Actually a crisis sitch may swing her back to reality quicker than sheet. Don't be shocked if that turns out to be the case. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

Actually she is worse. When my son called to check on her she was very curt and short with him. He said she was mad at him.

Said she would call him back and didn't. 

She is playing mind games with her son. So now she is gonna show him!

What a piece of trash


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## Marc878

Full custody is nice though


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## Dude007

Are you drinking beer or going cold "turkey" tonight??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

No stopped drinking it was making me sad. Who is this person I was married too?


----------



## Marc878

Like I said you could waste years trying to figure that out


----------



## Dude007

I agree, stop thinking about her and envision your new hot younger chick you will be dating in 6 months. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoMoreTears4me

I'm not thinking of her I'm just sick of her hurting my son. 

He doesn't deserve to be treated like that. 

She is mad at me and taking it out on him cause I am not contacting her.


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## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I'm not thinking of her I'm just sick of her hurting my son.
> 
> He doesn't deserve to be treated like that.
> 
> She is mad at me and taking it out on him cause I am not contacting her.


It'll bite her later. Most would have ran right over and kissed her azz.

You owe her nothing at this point. Stay distant and dark as you can.

I've seen this senario many times. It gets you nothing except dashed hopes


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## Marc878

She Wanted you to move on so you did.


----------



## farsidejunky

You will never be able to truly understand her actions. In her head, she has rationalized them to make sense. Likely she has demonized you in her head to the point that it makes it okay.

No more, I want you to Google the Karpman Drama Triangle. Right now, she is in victim mode, and she is hoping for you to be a rescuer (loosely).

The key to the drama triangle is to find your way to the middle, so you do not assume one of the drama roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer.

Don't fall for it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2

You handle this perfectly. Your responsibility is to be there for your sons. If they need, you respond.

Your ex- well,treat her like the mailman. Aw gee, its too bad about the wreck. Glad you're not dead, and go on about your life. She fired you as the designated person who would pick up the pieces of her broken life.

And tell your older son that mature parents don't play mind games from an ambulance. That is just shameless.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

She did not call him back last night. 

In her mind she is always the victim. 

Well Im not biting. She can dance at her own pity party cause I wont be there. 

All I did was text my youngest and ask if she was ok. That was it.


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## farsidejunky

Good job. Stay dark and support your kids.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Full custody is nice though


I wish!


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## NoMoreTears4me

Ok I'm not obsessing over her. I just like telling these stories cause it confirms she has lost it.

I told my oldest he needs to call his brother and check on him. So when he talks to him he told me he asked his brother how mom was. He had to ask twice and got no answer. 

For some reason My youngest is not allowed to tell his brother how his mother is doing. Amazing

Is this supposed to upset me? Not sure but I could really care less. I like to imagine her in a full body cast and no teeth. That makes me very happy. And no I did not tell my oldest to ask he did it on his own


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## NoMoreTears4me

Is there some kind of time limit for her to come get her crap out of MY house?


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## Pluto2

Nope


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## NoMoreTears4me

Ok guys lets talk Christmas

I have setup tree and some lights and decorations. But money is going to be short this year. This will be our first Christmas as a broken family.

I want the boys to have a good Christmas. Actually I want them to have a great Christmas. None of my family can come down cause of work. I cant go there cause I wont have enough leave. Not sure what to do.
I will have both boys the week of Christmas. Not sure how we will handle xmas eve and day. 
Anyway... would love some suggestions on how to make this Christmas great.

I decided we are going to the living Christmas tree like we do every year. Also I will take them to see lights like I always do. But what else can I do?

Im going to smoke a ham and I know the boys love that. 

Anyway im not going to break our traditions just cause she left. I do know I will probably break down at some point.


----------



## Marc878

Let the kids decorate. It may look like hell but they'll think it's great cause they did it. You'll get a big kick out of it too.

Play some board games with them kids don't need much. Just being with their dad would ll be good for them and you'll bond deeper.

Just stay busy doing what they want. Make it a great time.

At some point this may help with full custody


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## Marc878

Keep a detailed calendar on how much you have them etc. document, document, document


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## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Is there some kind of time limit for her to come get her crap out of MY house?


Box it all up put it in the garage or take it to a storage facility and Mail her the key and Bill.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Im way ahead of you. Its all boxed up and in the garage. When she comes to get it I will have my divorce papers in hand along with a police officer. She will not enter my house. 

Get your stuff and get out!


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## Marc878

Boys might like a bonfire for Christmas if her things are still there!

You could roast marshmallows n stuff.

Bwahahahaha


----------



## VeryHurt

NMT4M ~

Include them in the cooking. 

Include them in decorating the Tree.

Pop popcorn for the Tree.

Get the Sugar cookies that are all ready for the oven and buy lots of sprinkles and icing and decorate them. (I STILL do this with my 30 year old son, not kidding!)

Go see a movie.

Go bowling.

Decorate a wreath for the door.

Take them out for breakfast one morning.


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## Dude007

Rent inside out! Let me repeat, rent inside out and watch it w your kids. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

Look for outside activities that involve constructive events to do with your sons. 

My father was a scoutmaster. With several other fathers we went camping 6 - 7 times a year. Several years we took week trips and hiked civil war trails. We also assisted in community programs. Remember that group that provided thanksgiving dinner to the homeless? Care to guest who those boys were in the kitchen hauling trash and doing dishes? 

The point is look for an organization that you and your boys can do as a team achieving a constructive outcome. Football games are great, but I miss cleaning up a park and doing dishes with my brothers and dad. It is a fundamental human need to be part of a team engaged in constructive events. The bond doing so will stand forever.


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## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Look for outside activities that involve constructive events to do with your sons.
> 
> My father was a scoutmaster. With several other fathers we went camping 6 - 7 times a year. Several years we took week trips and hiked civil war trails. We also assisted in community programs. Remember that group that provided thanksgiving dinner to the homeless? Care to guest who those boys were in the kitchen hauling trash and doing dishes?
> 
> The point is look for an organization that you and your boys can do as a team achieving a constructive outcome. Football games are great, but I miss cleaning up a park and doing dishes with my brothers and dad. It is a fundamental human need to be part of a team engaged in constructive events. The bond doing so will stand forever.


I am an assistant scoutmaster. We have not gone to scouts in a month due to this mess. But we do charity stuff all the time. Good idea!


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## JohnA

There you go. How often does the troop get out? How often do you and the boys do charity work?

Do you provide an opportunity for the boys to contribute to the welfare of the family unit and to provide self esteem? LOL, chores dude. 

"ok boys, today we are going to engage in team building exercises designed to improve both the quality of the families life, but your self-esteem". 

Seriously though chores assigned in isolation from others wear. Chores done as a group with a division of labor concluding at the same time ending with a meal works well in building life skills.


----------



## JohnA

PS: it will really frost WW butt to no end to see the house cleaner and the boys cheerfully doing chores with you.


----------



## Pluto2

Marc878 said:


> Boys might like a bonfire for Christmas if her things are still there!
> 
> You could roast marshmallows n stuff.
> 
> Bwahahahaha


And if you have a bonfire (and her crap will all be gone so it will just be wood, right :wink2......

Consider having a release burning. A friend of mine is into some new age stuff, but this ritual has always seemed like a good idea. Everyone gets some small pieces of paper and writes down things they'd like to release for the coming year. No one else ever has to read these. Then one by one, toss them in the fire and poof, they're gone. Considering everything you and the boys have been through-you guys need a little bit of good mojo for the coming year.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> PS: it will really frost WW butt to no end to see the house cleaner and the boys cheerfully doing chores with you.



Its already cleaner and my son does help me. And there is no drama. She would just yell and make them do it. We do it together and its no big deal.

We go out every month. We have a charity project a few times a year. I think we have one this month.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> And if you have a bonfire (and her crap will all be gone so it will just be wood, right :wink2......
> 
> Consider having a release burning. A friend of mine is into some new age stuff, but this ritual has always seemed like a good idea. Everyone gets some small pieces of paper and writes down things they'd like to release for the coming year. No one else ever has to read these. Then one by one, toss them in the fire and poof, they're gone. Considering everything you and the boys have been through-you guys need a little bit of good mojo for the coming year.


That's a good idea. I think we will do that one


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Should I even go into the latest drama last night!

OMG


----------



## farsidejunky

If you mean here, sure.

With her? Hell no. From here forward, she should see you being nothing more than the clone of Spock.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

You may not realize it now but you may have a better future ahead of you than you think.

A lot of anxiety comes from the unknown. Even though what you had was bad it was a known and somehow seems safer even though it wasn't.

Your life now is gonna be what you make it. Leave the past where it needs to be. In the past and start this next life out right. Never look back except on how much better you've made it from where you were.


----------



## bfree

Sure


*grabs the popcorn*


----------



## Pluto2

well now we all want to know.......


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## NoMoreTears4me

Ok so last night I came home. For the 3rd time tried to work out uninterrupted. Did not happen.

My oldest tried to call my youngest. I want them to talk every day while they are separated. Youngest goes to mom every other week until she gets a place to live.

Oldest called several times and go no answer. 
Finally he got a text that said youngest could not talk. My oldest was upset. Why cant he talk to him. She responded to him with "he has an attitude" .

Now she has never taken his phone from him before and for some reason starts now. 

My son responds with. "You cant keep me from talking to my brother"

She states: You don't talk to your mother.
Oldest: " you didn't talk to us during your 3 week vacation"
silence

From what I can gather she decided to take his phone away which includes calls from his brother. Instead of just letting him answer it she causes drama. He is 10 years old he doesn't get calls from anyone except his mother, father or brother. Its a flip phone so there are no games. 

So she proceeds to berate my oldest by saying. "I guess you only need me for money"

The problem with that is she just picked up a big check from me and then paid half my sons baseball cost. Which is required that we split 50/50.

Kind of funny she feels only useful for money. That's how she made me feel for years.

So in conclusion: She sees no problem with leaving her kids for 3 weeks to go be with other man. But she thinks that him being mad at her is a problem. She has convinced herself that she was not cheating on me and we are all at fault. 

My son was upset, more mad than anything. Besides he tried to call her when she got in a wreck and she would not talk to him. So her argument is garbage.

She is so full of herself right now she is blind to all that she is hurting.


----------



## JohnA

Is posm around your son?


----------



## bfree

Frankly I don't give a damn about her but her actions/attitude is hurting your children. Is there anyone you can talk to that has influence over her to make her see reason?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Is posm around your son?


No oldest is with me till she gets a place.

OM is somewhere... back to Afghanistan or something. Who knows. 
She is living with her mother


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

bfree said:


> Frankly I don't give a damn about her but her actions/attitude is hurting your children. Is there anyone you can talk to that has influence over her to make her see reason?


Just her wackadoo mother and she is just as bad.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Just her wackadoo mother and she is just as bad.


Its seems you had some red flags about your exw LONG before she took off...Please pick better the next time. The depression is there to HELP you think and choose wiser so embrace it. This sheet will all seem funny a year or two out...I'm not joking..DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Well she didn't talk to her mother for about 15 years of our marriage so it hasn't been a problem. Wont go into the why...

Her mom has been back in her live for the past few years. But never around the kids till this year.

They don't even know her and she has been shoving her on them. My youngest fell for it. But my oldest wants nothing to do with her. His words are "Where was she the first 15 years of my life?"


----------



## Dude007

nomoretears4me said:


> well she didn't talk to her mother for about 15 years of our marriage so it hasn't been a problem. Wont go into the why...


i couldn"t draw up a bigger red flag than the statement you just wrote....dude


----------



## JohnA

So he is not around your youngest. Sorry to be a nag.

If posm is overseas she is using you and her kids to fill a huge void in her life. Her actions spring from that and she will continue to try to disrupt all of your lives, unitll posm shows up again. You all need to devolop deflecting skills. Read 68's post on rocking chair.

I sense this method take the lines of: When she gets to rock bottom and starts to try to get you to do the things you did as a husband inform her you won't because you do not want to disrespect her relationship with posm. Advise her looking outside of the relationship will only cause a repetition of the failure of her last relationship.

Yea I know respect her relationship with posm, right? But who has a full cup of coffee and who has an empty cup?
Who has to live with a bad decision, who gets to hang up the phone and get a good nights sleep. 

Look at it being Irish: a true Irishman man can tell a man to go to hell and get him to pay for a ticket to there first class on the next flight out. Does that work for you?


----------



## Pluto2

Oh I have to chuckle. The cheater-speak is so damn uniform. 
"I never cheated on you, and when I did it was all your fault." I also have a sudden flash-back on my ex getting really angry at me when I became scared over his abusive behavior. He even told the MC I got him to go to once that I was abusive for calling him abusive. (He punched the windshield out while we were in the car and then got angry at me for being afraid).

Document, journal and copy everything. I know the court fight is over, but custody lingers on my friend and your 10yr needs some support. Your oldest knows what his mother is like. Still, remind him what a good brother he is for trying to keep in contact. Reassure them both when they are back with you that you think communicating with each other in important and you will do what you can to maintain it. 

The saddest part of all this, is that you cannot control what your ex does. You can tell her having the boys talk on a regular basis is important, but you can't make her do it (at least not until its put in a custody order). You have to let it go. Not what you want to hear, I know. Just be the best father you can possibly be and focus on you and the holiday you and your sons can have together.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I hate to speak this way. But she was always a good mom. Until she went back to work. She loves her kids like I do but she is making horrible decisions. 

If you discout the other man all together. What parent leaves her kids while going through a divorce for 3 weeks.

She has lost her mind.

God help me I still love her. But I sure as hell don't like her right now.


----------



## Dude007

She'll come back begging you to take her back. Be prepared
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> She'll come back begging you to take her back. Be prepared
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't think so. As I think back over the past few years... Its obvious now that she has not loved me in a long time.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> So he is not around your youngest. Sorry to be a nag.
> 
> If posm is overseas she is using you and her kids to fill a huge void in her life. Her actions spring from that and she will continue to try to disrupt all of your lives, unitll posm shows up again. You all need to devolop deflecting skills. Read 68's post on rocking chair.
> 
> I sense this method take the lines of: When she gets to rock bottom and starts to try to get you to do the things you did as a husband inform her you won't because you do not want to disrespect her relationship with posm. Advise her looking outside of the relationship will only cause a repetition of the failure of her last relationship.
> 
> Yea I know respect her relationship with posm, right? But who has a full cup of coffee and who has an empty cup?
> Who has to live with a bad decision, who gets to hang up the phone and get a good nights sleep.
> 
> Look at it being Irish: a true Irishman man can tell a man to go to hell and get him to pay for a ticket to there first class on the next flight out. Does that work for you?



He is not around youngest. I don't think she would bring him around.. Hell im starting to question whether they have a relationship or it was just a F$%$ weekend for her.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I hate to speak this way. But she was always a good mom. Until she went back to work. She loves her kids like I do but she is making horrible decisions.
> 
> If you discout the other man all together. What parent leaves her kids while going through a divorce for 3 weeks.
> 
> She has lost her mind.
> 
> God help me I still love her. But I sure as hell don't like her right now.


Good, you are starting to see how she is and recognizing that it really isn't acceptable behavior, as a partner or a parent.

Always be guided by her actions, ignore her words.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Here is what she is thinking

She has done nothing wrong. It was an innocent trip, I was already divorced. 
I have turned my oldest against her
I am poisoning his mind ( she said this )
He has no reason to be mad
He will get over it 
I will wait till he comes to me ( she said this )
They will get used to going back and forth ( she said this )

For what its worth. My oldest knows where she was for 3 weeks. He was part of helping figure it out and I told him. My youngest knows nothing other than she was gone. He was mad at her for leaving prior to her trip. She made no effort to contact him. I setup a dinner with the two of them and she spent that time on the phone with work. I have told him he will eventually have to talk to his mother. I also told him he wont be able to stay with me forever. 

Concerning his relationship with his "grandma" . That is completely up to my oldest if he wants that relationship. He is the only one that can decide that. His mother cannot force her on him.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> i couldn"t draw up a bigger red flag than the statement you just wrote....dude


I know , I was an idiot


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know , I was an idiot


That depression, hurt and pain wil help you see things very clearly!!

Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

You are missing the why, if indeed she does, come back begging. It will not be love.

As to what it was. It was for him, not for her. And when that bubble pops......


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> You are missing the why, if indeed she does, come back begging. It will not be love.
> 
> As to what it was. It was for him, not for her. And when that bubble pops......


I cant wait.


----------



## VeryHurt

Dude007 said:


> i couldn"t draw up a bigger red flag than the statement you just wrote....dude


You're not kidding D-7 ...........it's screaming DYSFUNCTION !!!!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

There is a lot to that story. You got a month I will break it down


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Im going to have to contact her. Its killing me.

I need to tell her My oldest has an eye appointment tomorrow. She is responsible for half the cost.

I guess I need to tell her.


----------



## farsidejunky

Text her. No phone calls.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2

Yes, text her.

Also there are a couple of on-line family calenders like https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/solutions/divorce-calendar that either parent can access for stuff like this. One parent puts an MD apt on the calendar and the other can see it. Presto, no unwanted communication. Of course she has to actually use it.


----------



## thenub

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im going to have to contact her. Its killing me.
> 
> 
> 
> I need to tell her My oldest has an eye appointment tomorrow. She is responsible for half the cost.
> 
> 
> 
> I guess I need to tell her.



Weak and needy two very unattractive qualities in a man.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I'm not weak I just can't stand the conflict any longer. I would rather never talk to her again. My plan was to text. I just don't want an bs replies


----------



## Chaparral

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wow! You got some work to do then.
> 
> I am going to try to start lifting. I have always been mostly a running cardio guy.
> 
> Im gonna try though. Cant hurt right?


lifting takes concentration and strength increases rapidly. the problem with running and cycling is you have to much time to think foul thoughts. haha weight lifting takes our brain into computer mode, counting, balancing, forcing you to push harder, etc. It also releases hormones and chemicals that make you feel better and gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Read the MMSLP book linked to below. Check out the reviews at amazon. You need this BEFORE you start thinking of dating.


----------



## JohnA

Pluto2 is right. Use of these cals are efficient and provide quick documentation. Cheaters thrive in confusion. This will shut her down.


----------



## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I'm not weak I just can't stand the conflict any longer. I would rather never talk to her again. My plan was to text. I just don't want an bs replies


Suck it up, brother.

You are going to have to get thick skin in a hurry or she will eat you alive.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know

I texted her short and simple was not rude just laid out the facts. 

I'm just not there yet. I talk a big game but there is still a part of me that loves her. Or loves what used to be her.

I'm getting there but it's slow


----------



## farsidejunky

I know, brother.

It is to be expected.

The beauty of text conversation is that you get an opportunity to digest and think about your response. 

No surprises that way.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know
> 
> I texted her short and simple was not rude just laid out the facts.
> 
> I'm just not there yet. I talk a big game but there is still a part of me that loves her. Or loves what used to be her.
> 
> I'm getting there but it's slow


Just start dreaming of the young hot chick you'll be bangin in six months. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

Now that's romantic. (rolling eyes and shaking head)


----------



## Dude007

Pluto2 said:


> Now that's romantic. (rolling eyes and shaking head)


C'mon Pluto, don't be an erection kill!
Ha!! dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. I've asked God to forgive me for all that I did wrong in my marriage. But I can't expect forgiveness if I won't forgive my exwife.

I still love her and when I think of her I think of how she was not how she is now. A small part of that still exists in her I know.

I want t forgive her and someday I promise I will. I just can't do it right now. I'm too hurt.

For now all I can do is say I used to love her more than I do now.


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. I've asked God to forgive me for all that I did wrong in my marriage. But I can't expect forgiveness if I won't forgive my exwife.
> 
> I still love her and when I think of her I think of how she was not how she is now. A small part of that still exists in her I know.
> 
> I want t forgive her and someday I promise I will. I just can't do it right now. I'm too hurt.
> 
> For now all I can do is say I used to love her more than I do now.


You're going to be okay my friend!


----------



## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. I've asked God to forgive me for all that I did wrong in my marriage. But I can't expect forgiveness if I won't forgive my exwife.
> 
> I still love her and when I think of her I think of how she was not how she is now. A small part of that still exists in her I know.
> 
> I want t forgive her and someday I promise I will. I just can't do it right now. I'm too hurt.
> 
> For now all I can do is say I used to love her more than I do now.


I know you want the pain to go away.

Unfortunately, to truly heal, you have to experience it and work your way through it. Don't rush yourself through it. Embrace the suck. Learn what you need to learn about yourself. Improve, grow, become better.

Then the next thing you know, you are realizing you don't miss her as much anymore. That is when you know you turned a corner.

Stay strong, brother.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok stupid story time

So this is not something I just thought of. I have remembered this event for a long time.

You guys mentioned red flags. This is one I have always remembered and ignored.

Some of you may have heard of the dating test. The test where if the girl does not reach over to unlock the door or something when you go to enter the car she may be selfish. Well I never really believed that.

Early on when we were dating we were going somewhere. I stopped to get us something quick to eat on the way. I stopped at McDonald's and got 2 sausage biscuits, 2 hash browns, and 2 cokes. The plan was to eat as we drove out of town.

I was driving and had just finished my biscuit. I looked over at her and said pass me my hash brown please. She looked at me and said she ate it. I turned to her and said there were two. She said she knew she thought they were both for her.

I was confused and said I bought two of everything. I immediately thought of that stupid test my grandpa had told me about.

It bothered me for a few minutes but I got over it quickly.

I thought of that moment a lot over the years when she would do something selfish. Red flag? Not sure but it did bother me at the time.


----------



## Marc878

That never changed and never will. It will always be about her. You and the kids don't matter all that much. 

No one can fix that not even her. It's hopeless. The sooner you realize it the better.

This is how you get over it. Concentrate on the bad. It'll soon fade her to a bad memory. Especially after you meet the right one and they are out there.

Much better than what you've had.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I think of it more as she could hide her selfish part at times and other times she could not. 

She told me recently she doesn't know who she is anymore. I'm not going to say she is not or has not been a good mother,she has.

But her selfish streak has come to the surface and taken over.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think of it more as she could hide her selfish part at times and other times she could not.
> 
> She told me recently she doesn't know who she is anymore. I'm not going to say she is not or has not been a good mother,she has.
> 
> But her selfish streak has come to the surface and taken over.


What mother would leave her kids for three weeks for another man?

What mother would ignore her oldest and keep him from talking to his little brother to keep from dealing with what she's done?

I think you're still in denial of who she really is.

You need to wake up a bit and quit seeing her for what you thought she was.

I've seen a lot and have never seen this out of a truly good mother.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know but that is who she is now. I'm thinking of who she was. It's hard.

It's my sons mother and I know eventually she will see what she did was wrong. But not before she causes a ton more damage.

I pray for her now. I really do. I can't and won't ever take her back. But it's hard to remember the bad when you miss someone.

It's kinda like when someone dies and they say all kind of good things at their funeral. But in the back of your mad your thinking "this guy was an *******"


----------



## Marc878

IN order to move on you need to face the facts. The whole truth. 

You aren't there yet. 

When you do you'll discover this was out of your hands. You can never fix it. Then your life will become more resolute and peacefull. You will become the focus of your kids life. Not her.

They will need their father who can move forward to make himself and them a much better life.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Thanks I'm getting there slowly.

I go back and read my posts and I am truly on a roller coaster.

Today is a good day though. It's nice outside my house is clean and I got ribs on the big green egg.

Your all invited come on over


----------



## Marc878

You can't see it now but there are better out there. Anxiety is caused from the unknown. That's where you're headed. I've been there many times. It's never easy but when you look back one day you'll think WTH?

You're smarter and wiser now. Use it for your future and your kids future.

The good thing is you now have a blank slate. Yep you got some baggage you'll have to deal with but now you can live for yourself and kids. She's not worth a second thought.

You'll get there.


----------



## Pluto2

I know you say you want to forgive her.

I have a problem with that. Perhaps is just semantics, but in my heart when you forgive someone, you are accepting what they did (ok), and that you are ok with it (that's what stops me).

Of course you need to accept when she did, and what she continues to do-or your head will explode in a massive denial bomb.
But how is her behavior ever ok.
You can reach acceptance and get to a point where you look at the behavior and tell yourself-yep that's what she did-and the pain will not be there. You reach a level of indifference, but you always remember what happened and always know that it will never be ok to treat someone that way.
As I said, I might be quibbling about semantics.


----------



## Marc878

What kinda beer you got?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Blue moon beer


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> I know you say you want to forgive her.
> 
> I have a problem with that. Perhaps is just semantics, but in my heart when you forgive someone, you are accepting what they did (ok), and that you are ok with it (that's what stops me).
> 
> Of course you need to accept when she did, and what she continues to do-or your head will explode in a massive denial bomb.
> But how is her behavior ever ok.
> You can reach acceptance and get to a point where you look at the behavior and tell yourself-yep that's what she did-and the pain will not be there. You reach a level of indifference, but you always remember what happened and always know that it will never be ok to treat someone that way.
> As I said, I might be quibbling about semantics.



Your right. I guess I say that cause if I don't forgive her I will grow bitter. More so than now. I will never be ok with what she has done.

But I truly don't want to hate her and I have to forgive in order to heal.

I would never do what she did and I know that someday she will have it done to her and she will finally understand


----------



## Pluto2

see, in between love and hate... is indifference. You will get there.


----------



## Pluto2

Can you get Star Hill beer where you are. They are a local micro brewery right up the road, but they got a distribution contract with Anheuser-Bush so I've seen them in other states. I love "The Love" and "Dark Star"


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Never heard of it

Hey guys I would like to send you a xmas card. If you want or don't mind pm me your address.

Just my way of saying thanks


----------



## Marc878

I hate to say this but real men drink Dos Equis in the green bottle.

A little lime makes it even better.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> I hate to say this but real men drink Dos Equis in the green bottle.
> 
> A little lime makes it even better.


I like that too


----------



## Slow Hand

Marc878 said:


> I hate to say this but real men drink Dos Equis in the green bottle.
> 
> A little lime makes it even better.


Ew, I can't drink that stuff, it makes me bloated and gassy. 

Blue moon beer is made by Miller/Coors beer, nasty stuff too. >

I've been drinking Guiness as of late, good stuff, but I really like the beers form The Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company. Summer Shandy and Snowdrift Porter are my favorites. :grin2:


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok stupid story time
> 
> So this is not something I just thought of. I have remembered this event for a long time.
> 
> You guys mentioned red flags. This is one I have always remembered and ignored.
> 
> Some of you may have heard of the dating test. The test where if the girl does not reach over to unlock the door or something when you go to enter the car she may be selfish. Well I never really believed that.
> 
> Early on when we were dating we were going somewhere. I stopped to get us something quick to eat on the way. I stopped at McDonald's and got 2 sausage biscuits, 2 hash browns, and 2 cokes. The plan was to eat as we drove out of town.
> 
> I was driving and had just finished my biscuit. I looked over at her and said pass me my hash brown please. She looked at me and said she ate it. I turned to her and said there were two. She said she knew she thought they were both for her.
> 
> I was confused and said I bought two of everything. I immediately thought of that stupid test my grandpa had told me about.
> 
> It bothered me for a few minutes but I got over it quickly.
> 
> I thought of that moment a lot over the years when she would do something selfish. Red flag? Not sure but it did bother me at the time.


NMT4M ~

Okay Guys, enough with the beer, we gotta talk hash browns!

This is quite interesting Teary. 

She DID NOT think they were BOTH for her, she WANTED both and DID NOT CARE that one WAS FOR you.

Translation: 
She put herself before you. 
Silly "food" story to you BUT very profound to some.

This brings me to MY food story which I have described to a Therapist, a Shrink and a MC.

When we were first married, we both wanted a cookie after dinner.

He went to the kitchen to get them.

He returns with none because "there was only one left and he ate it."

NOT a silly story. 

What would YOU have done?
What would I have done?

My guess would be we would have SPLIT/SHARED the last cookie 
OR we would have GIVEN them the whole cookie.

Let's make a toast to a lifetime of hash browns, cookies and of course...................BEER !!!

VH :wink2:


----------



## Marc878

I would have given the last one to my wife. 

I'd rather talk beer though.

So who's had Spaten Lager draft?????? That's my all time favorite.


----------



## VeryHurt

Marc878 said:


> I would have given the last one to my wife.
> 
> I'd rather talk beer though.
> 
> So who's had Spaten Lager draft?????? That's my all time favorite.


Mr. Marc !!!
You're killin' me with this beer obsession!
VH :smile2:
BTW: I'm glad the Mrs. would have gotten the last cookie!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I can't answer the cookie question now. I'm too bitter. She prob should not eat it if I give it too her today


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I can't answer the cookie question now. I'm too bitter. She prob should not eat it if I give it too her today


Teary ~
I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. 
She is just more of a "me" person.
VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

My youngest just told me my ex was in Jamaica that week as well and he noticed a pic of her and her boyfriend.

I couldn't help it I texted her and said get your crap out of my house keep pictures of you and your boyfriend away from my son and I hope he was worth it you have lost the respect of one son already.


----------



## Marc878

How old is your youngest?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

11


----------



## Marc878

If I were you I'd move her stuff to a storage unit send her the key.

She's gone. Communicating with her is pointless. It just shows you're still under her spell (very evident) Go completely dark except in dealing with the kids.

You gonna live the rest of your life wondering what she's doing next???????


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> 11


Have you set him down and told him what she's done?

He's old enough to understand


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

No I haven't not with the youngest


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just told me my ex was in Jamaica that week as well and he noticed a pic of her and her boyfriend.
> 
> I couldn't help it I texted her and said get your crap out of my house keep pictures of you and your boyfriend away from my son and I hope he was worth it you have lost the respect of one son already.


This woman is clueless and totally self-absorbed. 
What would possess her to leave out a photo of them? 
What an idiot!

She really does not care if she is losing respect from you, her sons or the man in the moon.

I am sorry she is acting like an a$$hole.

She is clearly digging her own grave !!


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just told me my ex was in Jamaica that week as well and he noticed a pic of her and her boyfriend.
> 
> I couldn't help it I texted her and said get your crap out of my house keep pictures of you and your boyfriend away from my son and I hope he was worth it you have lost the respect of one son already.


You have no control over her. She will do as she pleases. On the flip side she still controls you.

Every time you text her you're telling her I'm still here watching everything and waiting for you to come back. I'll be here no matter what you've done? Actions speak a lot louder than your words.

It still sounds like you're pinning for the woman who you thought she was. I'd bet money that wife/mother never existed except in your eyes.

Your actions if you are hoping for her return are unnattractive. Obsessing over where she is, what she's doing. Temper tantrum texts just tell her she did the right thing in leaving and make you look foolish. The only thing that works in these situations is going dark and staying there. For some reason you just can't do it. You have not even been an afterthought of hers for probably a long time now. 

Look at what you've been through. She was cheating long before you even realized. But you somehow want to keep this in your life? That's what your actions say.

The kids need to see you as the stable one.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> No I haven't not with the youngest


Who told the oldest? Was it the truth or rugswept.

What about the youngest? At 10 he's smarter than you think.


----------



## tom67

Marc878 said:


> Who told the oldest? Was it the truth or rugswept.
> 
> What about the youngest? At 10 he's smarter than you think.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Marc878

If you really want to move on write down all the sh!t she's done. Cheating, lying, dumping the kids, etc. 

That will give you a real good perspective of who she really is that you never saw or ignored.

In the future treat her like the mailman, a store clerk, someone you know but have no connection to. 

Or carry on like you are. Live in limbo for the memory of the woman who never was.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Sorry it just hurt again to get confirmation of what she did. It hurts

I told the oldest. In fact he was part of what helped me figure it out. 

My youngest will not understand. I can't tell him yet. He is just to innocent. I'm sure my oldest will tell him long before I do.

She doesn't care and I'm pretty sure she has been telling people at work we have been divorced for a while which of course is another lie.

There has to be some kind of payment for this kind of deception. She has no right to be happy. F?!& her!

Was I really talking about forgiveness! Really ,what a Dumbass I am. She has absolutely no remorse. None.


----------



## JohnA

Happy or delusional ?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Like me my oldest still had some doubt that his mother was cheating on me. We both knew but wanted to think it was not possible.

That doubt is gone. How do I help my son deal with what his mother has done? He is eventually going to have to face her and it's not gonna be good. 

My youngest told m he heard his mom tell her mother that her oldest does not love her anymore. She is working up her victim role again with her mother. That is her favorite game. I'm really starting to accept she has mental issues. 

Also her mother was mad I didn't go to the hospital. She said she could not believe I was not helping them. Are they both delusional? Really I'm supposed to help the women that destroyed my family! **** her! **** them both! They deserve each other.

On top of that she is going to try and make my oldest feel bad by acting like she is the one mad at him!

Co-parenting is going to be rough. There is no way I will ever be able to have a civil conversation with her. 

She is absolute garbage. I want nothing more than the worst for her. She does not deserve respect from anyone.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Who told the oldest? Was it the truth or rugswept.
> 
> What about the youngest? At 10 he's smarter than you think.


The oldest knows all that I do.


----------



## Marc878

[Also her mother was mad I didn't go to the hospital. She said she could not believe I was not helping them. Are they both delusional? Really I'm supposed to help the women that destroyed my family! **** her! **** them both! They deserve each other.]

You did great here! Gave them an excellent dose of reality.

Treat her like the mailman. You know her but you don't care.


----------



## Marc878

[How do I help my son deal with what his mother has done? He is eventually going to have to face her and it's not gonna be good.]

Maybe tell her. He knows what you did and who you really are. Does she know he helped you figure out what was going on?

Then tell her dealing with him is up to her since she's the one that caused all this. Suggest a consultation with a good therapist, etc. this is a tough one.


----------



## Marc878

The oldest is 15. At that age doesn't he have the right to say who he wants to live with????


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> The oldest is 15. At that age doesn't he have the right to say who he wants to live with????


A judge would take his wants under consideration. But ultimately unless there is a safety concern he has to go. I would have to take her back to court. My lawyer said regardless of what he wants if he doesn't go I could be held in contempt

Looks like the first chance she is going to see him now is xmas day.

She isn't going to get her things till the 19th. And that is my week.


----------



## Pluto2

My oldest DD who was about 14 at the time she discovered some of my ex's infidelity. She asked to borrow his laptop for some homework and the idiot-man handed it over with a couple windows of his sexting minimized, but not closed. She saw it and came to me and said "I think Dad might be having an affair." Well, I took what she found and did more digging and he wasn't having AN affair, he was having several. We had been having lots of trouble with his emotional and verbal abuse, his unwillingness to work, his unwillingness to get treatment etc. So I told him I wanted a divorce. On D-day I did not tell him our eldest knew what he had done. Our youngest, who was 9 or 10 at the time, knew something was up, but her big sister didn't want to tell her sibling what was going on. My ex took no responsibility. 

About a week or so later, right before he was moving out, the oldest and my ex had a huge fight. She couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to know how he could destroy or family like that. Lots of yelling and screaming and our youngest heard bits and pieces. I pulled my ex out of our DD's room and told him our youngest was in tears and knows something wrong is happening and he had to talk to her. He said he wasn't going to explain anything and left. (coward). I ended up trying to explain. What I focused on was that her father was being hurtful to me, and doing things no one does when they are married. I asked him to stop and he said no. Her sister found out and was having a hard time dealing with it and keeping it all a secret. So to make sure the two of them could always support each other I thought she needed to know what all the fighting was about. 

Best decision I've ever made. The two of them have gotten closer in the last three years than I ever thought possible. Our oldest didn't have to carry the burden of knowing what her father did while trying to protect her younger sibling. My younger finally understood what all the yelling was about. No secrets works in my family.

I will tell you, my ex has made no effort to repair his relationship with his children and found it easier to be a dead-beat dad with virtually no contact with his kids. I say virtually because he has seen them a couple of times, with the last visit more than a year ago. His choice. I do not prevent any visitation or communication. I also do not speak ill of him (man that part is hard) I removed myself from their relationship. He has the freedom to be what ever kind of parent he chooses.

Since your youngest is hearing bits and pieces, his mind is racing. Of course it doesn't make sense to him that his Mom would say his brother doesn't love her anymore. Just like everything else that's ever happened to her, she wants someone else to be the bad guy. He knows something, but not really whys. Ending the secrets worked in my family. You will need to decide if it is something your family needs at this point.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> A judge would take his wants under consideration. But ultimately unless there is a safety concern he has to go. I would have to take her back to court. My lawyer said regardless of what he wants if he doesn't go I could be held in contempt
> 
> Looks alike the first chance she is going to see him now is xmas day.
> 
> She isn't going to get her things till the 19th. And that is my week.


When she comes to get her stuff, I'd just open the garage door and say there it is or better yet put it all out in the driveway. No conversation. Just like you'd leave your trash out for the garbage man. Go back in the house and let her have at it.

Let her see the new you. Uncaring, no emotion. Period


----------



## VeryHurt

Pluto2 said:


> My oldest DD who was about 14 at the time she discovered some of my ex's infidelity. She asked to borrow his laptop for some homework and the idiot-man handed it over with a couple windows of his sexting minimized, but not closed. She saw it and came to me and said "I think Dad might be having an affair." Well, I took what she found and did more digging and he wasn't having AN affair, he was having several. We had been having lots of trouble with his emotional and verbal abuse, his unwillingness to work, his unwillingness to get treatment etc. So I told him I wanted a divorce. On D-day I did not tell him our eldest knew what he had done. Our youngest, who was 9 or 10 at the time, knew something was up, but her big sister didn't want to tell her sibling what was going on. My ex took no responsibility.
> 
> About a week or so later, right before he was moving out, the oldest and my ex had a huge fight. She couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to know how he could destroy or family like that. Lots of yelling and screaming and our youngest heard bits and pieces. I pulled my ex out of our DD's room and told him our youngest was in tears and knows something wrong is happening and he had to talk to her. He said he wasn't going to explain anything and left. (coward). I ended up trying to explain. What I focused on was that her father was being hurtful to me, and doing things no one does when they are married. I asked him to stop and he said no. Her sister found out and was having a hard time dealing with it and keeping it all a secret. So to make sure the two of them could always support each other I thought she needed to know what all the fighting was about.
> 
> Best decision I've ever made. The two of them have gotten closer in the last three years than I ever thought possible. Our oldest didn't have to carry the burden of knowing what her father did while trying to protect her younger sibling. My younger finally understood what all the yelling was about. No secrets works in my family.
> 
> I will tell you, my ex has made no effort to repair his relationship with his children and found it easier to be a dead-beat dad with virtually no contact with his kids. I say virtually because he has seen them a couple of times, with the last visit more than a year ago. His choice. I do not prevent any visitation or communication. I also do not speak ill of him (man that part is hard) I removed myself from their relationship. He has the freedom to be what ever kind of parent he chooses.
> 
> Since your youngest is hearing bits and pieces, his mind is racing. Of course it doesn't make sense to him that his Mom would say his brother doesn't love her anymore. Just like everything else that's ever happened to her, she wants someone else to be the bad guy. He knows something, but not really whys. Ending the secrets worked in my family. You will need to decide if it is something your family needs at this point.


He was a louse!


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~
I am concerned about you. Are you seeing a Therapist?
VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> I am concerned about you. Are you seeing a Therapist?
> VH




That's you guys right? I've tried to go see one and I just don't feel right. I didn't think it was gonna help and it was expensive. I'd rather get help for my son


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> When she comes to get her stuff, I'd just open the garage door and say there it is or better yet put it all out in the driveway. No conversation. Just like you'd leave your trash out for the garbage man. Go back in the house and let her have at it.
> 
> Let her see the new you. Uncaring, no emotion. Period


That's the plan but I will have the police there as well


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's the plan but I will have the police there as well


Why? Is there that much of an issue on her side. Seems like a bit much. But you know best.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

@;


Marc878 said:


> Why? Is there that much of an issue on her side. Seems like a bit much. But you know best.


She has called the police on me twice. Both times for nothing and I could not figure out why. Later on I learned that she was trying to build a case of abuse or something cause that's what it said in the original divorce papers.

One was over me taking my son to help me with something and she demanded he stay and eat his grilled cheese. I said no we have to go now and that was no dinner anyway. So she called the police.

If I don't have them here she will most likely


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> @;
> 
> She has called the police on me twice. Both times for nothing and I could not figure out why. Later on I learned that she was trying to build a case of abuse or something cause that's what it said in the original divorce papers.
> 
> One was over me taking my son to help me with something and she demanded he stay and eat his grilled cheese. I said no we have to go now and that was no dinner anyway. So she called the police.
> 
> If I don't have them here she will most likely


Got it. Taking no chances is best. What's good for the goose is good for the gander!


----------



## Pluto2

Give the cops some coffee and pie while they watch your ex load her crap.


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's you guys right? I've tried to go see one and I just don't feel right. I didn't think it was gonna help and it was expensive. I'd rather get help for my son


If you speak to his teacher, she may be able to arrange for him to see the school psychologist.


----------



## Dude007

Everyone involved needs to be seeing a counselor, period. The cost is de minimis compared to everyone's overall mental health. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Today is a rough day. I was so happy yesterday. And then the further confirmation of her betrayal.

It's up to me to make the boys have a good Christmas. She said they aren't even putting up a tree. So much for making the boys transition as easy as possible.

I got a little drunk last night. It felt great. I forgot about my problems for a little while. 

No more beer for a long while. 

Today she is on my mind constantly and I can't stop. Not in a good way. I'm so hurt and upset. What the f is wrong with her.

I want to live in denial too. I'm glad she is so happy at the cost of me and my children's lives. I hate her so damn much right now.

Somebody tell me a story cheer me up


----------



## Pluto2

How about a dumb blonde joke:

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


----------



## Dude007

Can u schedule any kind of trip w ur friends or family? Maybe a weekend in the mountains or at the lake. Get in touch w nature! Get in touch w source!! Don't get bombed, a few beers here and there is fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Can u schedule any kind of trip w ur friends or family? Maybe a weekend in the mountains or at the lake. Get in touch w nature! Get in touch w source!! Don't get bombed, a few beers here and there is fine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My mom just left from a week here. I did nothing but dwell on my issues. I've got a big problem with worry and anxiety. And now it's just worse. The depression can be overwhelming.

I love my boys to much to hurt myself so don't think that. 

Life isn't fair and for the first time in my life I know that to be true.

I like reading stories where the ww gets what is coming to her. I keep hoping for the same. It's wrong but I can't help it.

I cried for the first time in a long time last night. I hated myself for doing it. I can't allow her to destroy me any longer.

Anyway just got done working out. I feel better


----------



## Marc878

Ok so my wife and I really wanted to join this new church but they're very strict. So we sat down with the pastor and went over the guideline to become accepted.

Most were pretty simple but the biggie was you had to abstain from sex for a month!!!! Dang.

So we gathered up all the material and started our initiation process.

After a month we had our meeting with the pastor and he went over all the initiation procedures and then asked about our abstenance from sex. 

I calmly explained we did pretty well except for the last day when my wife dropped a biscuit in the floor and when she bent over I lost control and really nailed her!!!!! I mean full out, pants around the ankles. Very animalistic. Really loud on both our parts.

He said he was very sorry but we wouldn't be allowed to join their congregation.

My wife sheepishly said " we aren't allowed back in McDonalds again either".


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~
Have you thought about going away for Christmas?
VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> Have you thought about going away for Christmas?
> VH


A little. But I think the boys need it too be like it was. I want to give them a Christmas at home like they are used to


----------



## JohnA

Do it. Let it mark the begining of a new chapter in your life. By continuing to celebrate Christmass as you have, but without her, wil
Provide both you and sons with closure, acceptance and new beginnings. You need to gain acceptance above all else. Acceptance will lead to indifference, combined with continuing to work on yourself will lead to a better life.


----------



## Dude007

Maybe she was the source of your anxiety/depression and once over this it'll go away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

My youngest just texted me that his mom told him they were not celebrating Christmas this year


----------



## Dude007

Wow she has lost it. Maybe she is converting to Jewish and wearing a Yamaka?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just texted me that his mom told him they were not celebrating Christmas this year



yeap - hurt them to hurt you. that's my ex-wife.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Maybe he just meant decorations

I sure hope so


----------



## Pluto2

All the more reason for you to make your own Christmas celebration with your boys, and do it your way, where you'd like to. Yes, it would be great if things were like they used to be, but that ship has sailed. I think the harder you work to make the holiday like it was, the harder it will be for them-knowing Mom chose not to be there.

(And what mother ever wants to ignore Christmas withe her young kids?)


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just texted me that his mom told him they were not celebrating Christmas this year


Yep she's a great mom! NOT! 

You really need to start keeping the horrendous memories up front and center.

Sounds like you didn't lose a damn thing. 

What a totally worthless mother.


----------



## tom67

Marc878 said:


> Yep she's a great mom! NOT!
> 
> You really need to start keeping the horrendous memories up front and center.
> 
> Sounds like you didn't lose a damn thing.
> 
> What a totally worthless mother.


:iagree:

Go for primary custody and save all texts.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

So she told him they were not putting up a tree. I'm sure there will be gifts but no dcorations. 

She doesn't even cook for him anymore. They eat out every night fast food


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just texted me that his mom told him they were not celebrating Christmas this year


Are you fvcking kidding me? 

Now she's getting me mad!

What a lunatic!!!

She's lost her marbles !:slap:


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So she told him they were not putting up a tree. I'm sure there will be gifts but no dcorations.
> 
> She doesn't even cook for him anymore. They eat out every night fast food


Did she cook before?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Did she cook before?


She used to but hasn't much in a while. I on the other hand have been cooking every night. My youngest is jealous he doesn't want to eat fast food. That should tell ya how much of it she has been feeding him


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

By the way I'm a good cook. Line up now ladies I'm available

This week we will have pot roast
Tacos
Leftover ribs baked beans and homemade mac and cheese
Spaghetti
Bbq chicken


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> By the way I'm a good cook. Line up now ladies I'm available
> 
> This week we will have pot roast
> Tacos
> Leftover ribs baked beans and homemade mac and cheese
> Spaghetti
> Bbq chicken


Sounds delicious !!! :laugh:


----------



## tom67

NoMoreTears4me said:


> By the way I'm a good cook. Line up now ladies I'm available
> 
> This week we will have pot roast
> Tacos
> Leftover ribs baked beans and homemade mac and cheese
> Spaghetti
> Bbq chicken


Oh I'm no slouch dude:grin2:


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> By the way I'm a good cook. Line up now ladies I'm available
> 
> This week we will have pot roast
> Tacos
> Leftover ribs baked beans and homemade mac and cheese
> Spaghetti
> Bbq chicken


It just hit me! I know why your wife divorced you.

You shamed her in the kitchen!!! WTH were you thinking?

Yep, it was all your fault. :wink2:


----------



## Dude007

Ok this thread had moved too far away from alpha. What wine do you have in the house in case a hot young lady comes over who wants to meet you with only your apron on?

Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

Honestly, this is just unfair. A good cook, a devoted father. Women won't stand a chance.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> It just hit me! I know why your wife divorced you.
> 
> You shamed her in the kitchen!!! WTH were you thinking?
> 
> Yep, it was all your fault. :wink2:


Honest truth if you ask my sons who they want to fix dinner is always me. I like it when I cook something and people enjoy it. Me ex always looked at it as a chore. She hated cooking. Did not matter if it was for her family. That's the truth.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

So can my wifes mom take my kids out of state without my ex wife?


----------



## farsidejunky

Are you okay with it?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## tom67

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So can my wifes mom take my kids out of state without my ex wife?


If they are going on a plane I think she needs a consent form signed by you.
Talk to your lawyer.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

farsidejunky said:


> Are you okay with it?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


No I am not ok with it at all.


----------



## farsidejunky

Then consult your attorney and say no.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Dude007

Don't go cheap on attorney and counseling!! Use a credit card if you have to or borrow from family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

Is there anything in the custody section of the divorce decree that addresses travel with the kids?


----------



## ButtPunch

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok stupid story time
> 
> So this is not something I just thought of. I have remembered this event for a long time.
> 
> You guys mentioned red flags. This is one I have always remembered and ignored.
> 
> Some of you may have heard of the dating test. The test where if the girl does not reach over to unlock the door or something when you go to enter the car she may be selfish. Well I never really believed that.
> 
> Early on when we were dating we were going somewhere. I stopped to get us something quick to eat on the way. I stopped at McDonald's and got 2 sausage biscuits, 2 hash browns, and 2 cokes. The plan was to eat as we drove out of town.
> 
> I was driving and had just finished my biscuit. I looked over at her and said pass me my hash brown please. She looked at me and said she ate it. I turned to her and said there were two. She said she knew she thought they were both for her.
> 
> I was confused and said I bought two of everything. I immediately thought of that stupid test my grandpa had told me about.
> 
> It bothered me for a few minutes but I got over it quickly.
> 
> I thought of that moment a lot over the years when she would do something selfish. Red flag? Not sure but it did bother me at the time.


Ate your hash brown.....I would have smashed her head thru the car windshield. Don't touch a man's food.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> Is there anything in the custody section of the divorce decree that addresses travel with the kids?


Im looking now


----------



## ButtPunch

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My youngest just told me my ex was in Jamaica that week as well and he noticed a pic of her and her boyfriend.
> 
> I couldn't help it I texted her and said get your crap out of my house keep pictures of you and your boyfriend away from my son and I hope he was worth it you have lost the respect of one son already.


This just made her feel like she made the right decision. Control yourself and stick to the 180.


----------



## turnera

Marc878 said:


> Let the kids decorate. It may look like hell but they'll think it's great cause they did it. You'll get a big kick out of it too.


We always had a party for our daughter in early December, and she would invite her friends over to help decorate the tree. They always had a lot of fun. Plus they got to have a party.


----------



## Dude007

ButtPunch said:


> This just made her feel like she made the right decision. Control yourself and stick to the 180.


Jamaica? What does the boyfriend look like?


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> No I haven't not with the youngest


You need to tell him the truth. He needs to know that ONE of his parents is safe, will tell him the truth. This is essential. Right now, he is trying to fill in the blanks from an 11 year old's perspective. And that usually involves blaming himself for her leaving.


----------



## Dude007

turnera said:


> You need to tell him the truth. He needs to know that ONE of his parents is safe, will tell him the truth. This is essential. Right now, he is trying to fill in the blanks from an 11 year old's perspective. And that usually involves blaming himself for her leaving.


YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

turnera said:


> You need to tell him the truth. He needs to know that ONE of his parents is safe, will tell him the truth. This is essential. Right now, he is trying to fill in the blanks from an 11 year old's perspective. And that usually involves blaming himself for her leaving.


The truth always matters


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

ButtPunch said:


> This just made her feel like she made the right decision. Control yourself and stick to the 180.


Probably. I was angry. I had not talked to her in a long time and could not help myself. I was pissed off that she was bragging that she abandoned her kids for 3 weeks and was showing off vacation pics.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know you guys are sick of hearing it..... But I am so down today. I hate this. I would do anything to have my family back. My kids are hurting. I am hurting. She is happy.

Its killing me inside. Im so damn depressed right now.

Sorry I just had to say it again.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know you guys are sick of hearing it..... But I am so down today. I hate this. I would do anything to have my family back. My kids are hurting. I am hurting. She is happy.
> 
> Its killing me inside. Im so damn depressed right now.
> 
> Sorry I just had to say it again.


And I know you are sick of me saying this, that depression is there to HELP YOU!! So you heal, detach, and take a LONG HARD(no pun) LOOK at the next woman you end up marrying!!! DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know. I keep reminding myself of the bad things she has done. But then I hear her talking to my son this morning on the phone and she is so damn happy!

I cant wait. I want someone to make me happy. Im also afraid im gonna jump for the first person that pays me any attention. Everybody says I need time before I jump into something else. Problem is I haven't received any love from my ex in so long I already feel lonely before the divorce.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Open Letter to my Ex-Wife

I just want you to know that I loved you more than anything in the world. I loved our family and had fond memories of all the things we have done together. I have 2 wonderful sons from our marriage and I would not take that back for the world.

I know now that you no longer love me and you have not in a long time. 

But what I cant understand is how you could hurt me like you have. You didn't have to go out and find another man. You have not only ripped out my heart but destroyed the image your boys have of you. It soils our past and ruins all the good times we had. You can never understand this pain until you someday feel it for yourself. The thought of you telling another man you love him kills me inside. It hurts me to my very soul. 

We have been together for 22 years and I think I deserved better than this. I supported you and protected you from your family. I know I did not show affection like I should have but I always believed we were meant for each other.

I try not to imagine it but I know that at some point you decided to give your heart to someone else. I trusted you and I feel so betrayed. It is the worst feeling in the world.

I can never look at you the same way again. I look through the old pictures and I wonder where that girl went. What happened to her? Why does she not value our family like I do? 

I see our kids upset and disappointed and it hurts. It hurts because it didn't have to be this way. Our love did not have to die. I would have done anything to save it. 

You saw my crying as a weakness. I saw it as a symbol of just how much I loved you and the boys. I am not ashamed of those tears. I know that with every tear I shed it was proof of just how much I cared.

But all that is over now. In the past and can never be resurrected. The dreams of us bringing home grandchildren to our home is dead. The idea of growing old together will never happen. Some day we will both die and will be buried in different locations. I think this saddens me the most.

In closing even though you have given me the most pain I have ever endured. I still love you. But I could never be with you again. It hurts me to say that. Its true when I said I don't know you anymore. The person you are now is not the person I fell in love with. 

I have to say goodbye to you now so I can move on. I need closure and have to focus now on my sons. God gave them to me for a reason and I will continue to love them till the day I die.


----------



## farsidejunky

Embrace the suck, brother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I can't wait. I want someone to make me happy. I'm also afraid I'm gonna jump for the first person that pays me any attention. Everybody says I need time before I jump into something else. Problem is I haven't received any love from my ex in so long I already feel lonely before the divorce.


Dude, this is seriously dangerous stuff here. 

You need to be in therapy - a LOT of it. Nobody else can make you happy. That's codependency and unhealthy. You have to be happy ANYWAY. And THEN look around at potential mates.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> Dude, this is seriously dangerous stuff here.
> 
> You need to be in therapy - a LOT of it. Nobody else can make you happy. That's codependency and unhealthy. You have to be happy ANYWAY. And THEN look around at potential mates.



I know Im trying. Its hard. Everyday is a struggle. I get better then I fall down. 

I think my ex wifes accident brought me back around. I have to ignore any news of her.


----------



## Marc878

She's gone. A letter is not gonna bring her back. Don't send that. She doesn't care and won't read it anyway.


----------



## Pluto2

There was a guy I knew in high school who was a heroin addict. He was happy when he shot up. Unhealthy happiness often comes with a price.

You can do the work to get to healthy happiness. I have faith in you.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> She's gone. A letter is not gonna bring her back. Don't send that. She doesn't care and won't read it anyway.


Im not. Just wanted to get it out of my system


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> There was a guy I knew in high school who was a heroin addict. He was happy when he shot up. Unhealthy happiness often comes with a price.
> 
> You can do the work to get to healthy happiness. I have faith in you.



I want that so bad. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy coming home. I want to look forward to things again. I want a future.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im not. Just wanted to get it out of my system


Good. Vent to us as much as you want. You'd be smart to stay dark with her as much as possible.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Good. Vent to us as much as you want. You'd be smart to stay dark with her as much as possible.



I just don't get why this is good. I think I would feel better just letting her have it. To tell her exactly how much she destroyed our family. To tell her she is the most selfish person I have ever known.

When I don't talk to her I feel like Im playing a game to see who will talk to whom first. 

It makes me feel if she texts me she is reaching out to hurt me cause I am not on speaking terms with her.

I has to be the right thing to do cause it feels wrong.


----------



## Nucking Futs

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I just don't get why this is good. *I think I would feel better just letting her have it. To tell her exactly how much she destroyed our family. To tell her she is the most selfish person I have ever known.
> *
> When I don't talk to her I feel like Im playing a game to see who will talk to whom first.
> 
> It makes me feel if she texts me she is reaching out to hurt me cause I am not on speaking terms with her.
> 
> I has to be the right thing to do cause it feels wrong.


It doesn't work that way. The only way you'd feel better about it is if she reacted like a human being with some awareness of the damage and pain she's caused. The way she's actually likely to react will be more damaging rather than healing.

Write that stuff here to get it out of your system but don't send any of it to her.


----------



## Pluto2

You can't convince her she is wrong and you are right. She has proven herself to be a first-class manipulator who has lied to you over and over again about the divorce, the reconciliation and the OM. Now, you think if you just tell her that she's ruined the family and alienated the children she will listen to your words and agree with you? She won't. What she will likely do is lie (again), blame-shift all the problems to you and you will feel worse than you do now. I know that's hard to image, but its how WS behave.

That's why we don't recommend that you try to convince her of the errors of her ways. It is an empty effort that will likely result in more pain for you. Perhaps, when the fog has lifted, perhaps, she will feel remorse. I can tell you that after three years, my ex remains unremorseful and unapologetic. It has not prevented me from healing and moving on with my life. Some WS get what they did, others just don't.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I just don't get why this is good. I think I would feel better just letting her have it. To tell her exactly how much she destroyed our family. To tell her she is the most selfish person I have ever known.
> 
> When I don't talk to her I feel like Im playing a game to see who will talk to whom first.
> 
> It makes me feel if she texts me she is reaching out to hurt me cause I am not on speaking terms with her.
> 
> I has to be the right thing to do cause it feels wrong.


If you would get the therapy and learn to love yourself, to be happy BY yourself, it wouldn't matter who contacted who first because you'd be ok no matter if she ever contacted you again.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> You can't convince her she is wrong and you are right. She has proven herself to be a first-class manipulator who has lied to you over and over again about the divorce, the reconciliation and the OM. Now, you think if you just tell her that she's ruined the family and alienated the children she will listen to your words and agree with you? She won't. What she will likely do is lie (again), blame-shift all the problems to you and you will feel worse than you do now. I know that's hard to image, but its how WS behave.
> 
> That's why we don't recommend that you try to convince her of the errors of her ways. It is an empty effort that will likely result in more pain for you. Perhaps, when the fog has lifted, perhaps, she will feel remorse. I can tell you that after three years, my ex remains unremorseful and unapologetic. It has not prevented me from healing and moving on with my life. Some WS get what they did, others just don't.



Your so right. Thanks for continuing to remind me. I go back all the time and reread my threads and its all true and great advice. 
I find myself lost on certain days and need to hear it again.

Had a great night last night. Me and the boys cooked dinner together. No electronics were allowed during that time. After we prepped a pot roast for the crock pot for today. It was a good time

There was no yelling or fighting like there is when my wife was here.

I need more nights like that.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> There was no yelling or fighting like there is when my wife was here.
> 
> I need more nights like that.


And watch your anxiety/depression fade into the sunset just like her!!

DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok fun story time. 

When I was a kid me and my brothers would spend a week at my uncles during the summer. 

At some point in the summer me and my cousin got bored and decided to do some prank phone calls.

Now this was the days before caller id, 911, *69, etc. We started with the basic "is your refrigerator running" ones but then progressed into more advance calls.

We picked a random number from the phone book. The call would go something like this.

"Maam/sir this is blahblah from BellSouth Maintenance. We have had a power line come in contact with the phone line in your neighborhood. Please do not answer your phone for the next 30 minutes until we call you back. If you do the person on the other end could get an electric shock."

Now it took a while before someone would bite but eventually we got someone.

After the initial phone call we would call back. 

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

"Hello"

"AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

Ten minutes later we would call again and say. "Your phone is now safe to answer"

Sometimes the person on the other end would says stuff like "Someone called they got shocked" Other times they would just laugh.

Regardless we would all be dying laughing. 

Those were the days.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Rug Sweeping

Was thinking of how I was letting things go in order to keep my marriage.

Early this year I had both boys and was on a scout trip. 
While I was gone my ex went and got a tattoo. She knows I do not like them and I think it sets a bad example for the boys. I think they should be able to control themselves and not fall in for fads or what everyone else is doing.

She did this without telling me and knowing I would be upset.

When she showed it too me I asked her why would you do that? She said she wanted one. I told her, how are you going to explain this to the boys who we have told that they should not do that. She told me they don't have to know.

So I was expected to keep her secret and lie to my sons. It didn't take long and I told my oldest. She was upset that I told him. I told her it was not my responsibility to lie to the boys and if she was so proud of it why not get it where they can see it.

Little things like this led to the end. A complete lack of respect for me. I would not go out and do that without talking to her. 

I know some of you would say its her body. But we were married. We are supposed to set an example. 

Besides she did it to make me mad and really didn't care what I thought. 

No disrespect to those that have tattoos. I was in the army and all my friends were getting them. I just thought there was nothing in this world I needed on my for the rest of my life. Im glad I didn't do it. 

I just think it taught the boys a bad lesson. One that it was ok for me to tell them they should not do it while knowing my wife now had one. And two it showed a complete lack of respect for me.

Maybe I was wrong for telling my oldest.


----------



## Pluto2

I'm not a huge fan of tattoos, but I agree it is her body. I make fun of my niece who has one and tell her when she's 80 no one will be able to tell what it is through the wrinkles. 

What bothers me much more about this, is her asking you to lie for her, and her getting angry at you when you refused.

Its sort of one thing if her mind set about tattoos changes, it happens. But lying to you, deceiving you, and asking you to do the same for her? nope, not doing it. This was a BIG red flag to me.

ETA: Could have marked the beginning of the affair


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> ETA: Could have marked the beginning of the affair


That's what I think too


----------



## Marc878

The truth always matters. I've found in life people respect a truthfull person and long term there are a lot less problems.

You tend to cover for her. Or have. Why? Deep down do you think she respected that? How did that work out for you?

Run your life from here on out like it should be. Your kids know something bad is going on. Keeping them in the dark at their age just means you're still covering for her. The things she's done are her problems to deal with. 

The way you run your life and family are 100% on you. You're gonna screw up everyone does. It doesn't mean it defines you.


----------



## just got it 55

Marc878 said:


> She's gone. A letter is not gonna bring her back. Don't send that. She doesn't care and won't read it anyway.


Oh She'll read it alright and giggle like a Jr. High School girl

Don't sent it Brother

55


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

just got it 55 said:


> Oh She'll read it alright and giggle like a Jr. High School girl
> 
> Don't sent it Brother
> 
> 55


That's what I just cant imagine. We were together 22 years. How can she see that I am hurt and think its funny? 

I mean she would really have to hate me and think I deserve this.

On top of that she would have to not care what anyone thinks and the kids.

I guess that is who she is now. But its hard to imagine


----------



## just got it 55

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's what I just cant imagine. We were together 22 years. How can she see that I am hurt and think its funny?
> 
> I mean she would really have to hate me and think I deserve this.
> 
> On top of that she would have to not care what anyone thinks and the kids.
> 
> I guess that is who she is now. But its hard to imagine


She has no soul Brother long gone and never to return

But you know what NMT4M That's the good news.

55


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's what I just cant imagine. We were together 22 years. How can she see that I am hurt and think its funny?
> 
> I mean she would really have to hate me and think I deserve this.
> 
> On top of that she would have to not care what anyone thinks and the kids.
> 
> I guess that is who she is now. But its hard to imagine


If her entitled, selfish rattled psyche has convinced herself that you and you alone were the sole cause for everything that was bad in the marriage, it starts making more sense.

Her sense of entitlement can lead her to believe almost anything. Doesn't mean she right, does it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I have to believe in my heart that she knows what she did was wrong. I have to believe she is sorry but only on how this affecting the kids. Im sure she blames me cause I'm the one who figured it out and told them.

My boys love their mother. But I know me and my sons have a bond that she doesn't have. She used to have it. But doesn't anymore. Sad. Really really sad.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I have to believe in my heart that she knows what she did was wrong.


That's why disconnecting is so hard for you.

There is no evidence to support your belief. You want to believe she's not all that bad. Her actions say otherwise.

I'm not so jaded that I don't believe one day she might feel remorse for the pain she has cause. But that day is not here yet.

Trust me when I say that TODAY, she does not believe her actions are wrong.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> Trust me when I say that TODAY, she does not believe her actions are wrong.


You haven't been wrong yet. I believe you.

Her actions prove your statement. But her actions also prove she is a freaking wackadoo!


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's what I think too


Significance: I am woman hear me roar ..........


----------



## Dude007

shell hit burnout at some point unless she is medicating big time. Does she take any psyche meds? Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> shell hit burnout at some point unless she is medicating big time. Does she take any psyche meds? Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Early this year I found some anti depressants she was taking. She did not tell me about it. Then it appeared she stopped taking them but I don't know.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Personally this is what I think happened.

She stopped loving me plain and simple. I would not accept that and I tried to keep her. She wrote me off and pretended we were not married anymore. At this point she had no problem flirting and talking to other men. When she finally found someone that was paying attention to her that is when she started planning to leave and divorce me. But she didn't want to ruin her reputation, hurt me and the kids. So she lied and manipulated everyone to hide what she was doing. She didn't mess up till she got to the finish line and got in a big hurry to do whatever it takes to go on her "vacation". At this point in her mind she was divorced for several reasons. She had already served me, she was not wearing her ring, and she was telling other people that she was already divorced. This was her justification in her mind. She did not love me and wanted out. So if she found someone in that limbo time frame so it wasn't cheating. That is how I think she thinks now. 

Problem is this does not remove the lies, manipulation, and abandonment of the kids. Some how she must justify this as well. She thinks she was doing what she needed to do to protect herself. We are all just liabilities I guess.

I know stop thinking about what she was thinking. But this is the conclusion I have put together to think like she has.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Early this year I found some anti depressants she was taking. She did not tell me about it. Then it appeared she stopped taking them but I don't know.


BOOM!! You just found out why you can't recognize her. She went numb....DUDE


----------



## Marc878

Why analyze this?

Is simple. She's a lying cheater.

No matter how you slice it or dice it,

The best you can ever hope for would be her plan b if it doesn't work out with OM.

So move on from this and quit mooning over it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know , it's a character flaw. I am a fixer/ planner. I have to find root causes to problems.

It drives me crazy. I'll try to stop obsessing


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know , it's a character flaw. I am a fixer/ planner. I have to find root causes to problems.
> 
> It drives me crazy. I'll try to stop obsessing



You can't fix her. No one can. 

What you're doing is heading down the path of screwing up your and your kids life because you can't keep from mooning over a cheating, lying, deceitful and very selfish wife that can't/won't even cook a meal for her kids. 

You need to wake up or get some help. Go back and read your threads. Pretend it's someone else. What advice would you give him?

You need to figure out why you are so enamored with the fantasy you seem to have of a woman who in all probability never existed except in your mind.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know. Your right and each day I get a little better. It's like I'm living a dream or something. Sometimes it's so sureal and I think this can't be happening to us. But it is and I have to learn to accept it.

But really I always obsess about things I cant control I have since I was a kid. Eventually I will let it go. Sometimes I am just seeking validation that I am not crazy. 

I can't stand things I can't plan and fix. It's kinda like getting 20 compliments and one negative comment. I will obsess about the one negative comment. 

I'm trying to work through this and I think just analyzing the situation will help like most problems. But for this one I am trying to find a way to cope. I've never faced a problem like this and you guys are right I need some help. I'm gonna look into some therapy.

The obsessing is driving me nuts.

Ok enough of that. I came home today to a great meal. Crock pot had the pot roast ready when we got home. It was kick butt.

Should have made some rice . But me and the youngest wanted to go xmas shopping. So we scarfed it down and headed out


----------



## Marc878

I find pot roast is always better with carrots, onions, and potatoes, maybe some peas


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know. Your right and each day I get a little better. It's like I'm living a dream or something. Sometimes it's so sureal and I think this can't be happening to us. But it is and I have to learn to accept it.
> 
> But really I always obsess about things I cant control I have since I was a kid. Eventually I will let it go. Sometimes I am just seeking validation that I am not crazy.
> 
> I can't stand things I can't plan and fix. It's kinda like getting 20 compliments and one negative comment. I will obsess about the one negative comment.
> 
> I'm trying to work through this and I think just analyzing the situation will help like most problems. But for this one I am trying to find a way to cope. I've never faced a problem like this and you guys are right I need some help. I'm gonna look into some therapy.
> 
> The obsessing is driving me nuts.
> 
> Ok enough of that. I came home today to a great meal. Crock pot had the pot roast ready when we got home. It was kick butt.
> 
> Should have made some rice . But me and the youngest wanted to go xmas shopping. So we scarfed it down and headed out


Look, you're driving me nuts! You're lucky as hell you don't have this damn b!tch around. She actually did you a favor. 

I've been around and done a lot. You have no idea how much better you'll have it with someone else but you'd better cut the Mr Nice Guy sh!t out. Don't ever put up with any low class Sh!t again.

A woman who's worth her salt wants a strong man not a doormat. 

Read up and study what you need to do to be a better man.

How to really treat a woman? Ex: they need to be told how good they look, held, taken out on simple dates, etc. This is what you should be learning.

Cut the damn mooning sh!t out and crying in your beer. I'm sick of reading that crap. It makes you look weak and Ineffective.

You can do this just as many others have. Your life will improve over what you've had. You just can't see it yet.

Tell the youngest the truth. Quit covering up and yes you are lying to him by keeping him in the dark.


----------



## Dude007

Lets be careful not to be too harsh. He's doing very well and this is still new to him. It's two steps forward one step back. Or like a stair steps healing. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

No More this could be your future...

I'm just reading this now for the first time. Allow me to introduce myself... You all know me as "preggers".

I am now Mrs HiRoad and we are about to celebrate our 2nd year married this 12/13/15. 

Marriage is far from easy and to say that us meeting each other to dating, and making it official has been a whirlwind is putting it lightly. 

HiR and I meet by chance and became friends quick and well.... TBH, He has many qualities that make him a wonderful man, husband, and father. He is all my little girl has known from the moment he brought us home from the hospital to present. He is her daddy and she his only little girl. It makes me emotional even typing this as I think of how close they are. It warms my heart. I know some day she will come to know that her biodad is not her REAL DAD but I have faith it wont matter to her because she has an incredible bond with her REAL DAD.

We now have a baby boy together and we have vowed to never give up on our marriage no matter what. The challenges we face are probably far more than most married couples have to face and although we have dark days, I know HiR would agree with me, neither of us will walk away. We said I DO and it is Till Death Parts us.

PS.... Kinda glad WAW left HiR... We both deserved better and we have it now lol

Sorry from here... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62644-what-do-w-walk-away-wife-51.html


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I did tell him. He had already figured it out. I had a long talk with him. Told him it wasn't his fault and I would always be there for him. I would never leave him and he could talk to me about anything. 

I was never a doormat with my ex. I always stood up for what is right. I never compromised my values. My family will be the first one to say I was always the head of my household. 

I am a damn good father. I always have been and I always will be. I have plenty of regrets but that is not one of them.


----------



## Marc878

Dude007 said:


> Lets be careful not to be too harsh. He's doing very well and this is still new to him. It's two steps forward one step back. Or like a stair steps healing. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right. It's a crappy deal to go through.

My apologies for being curt.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I did tell him. He had already figured it out. I had a long talk with him. Told him it wasn't his fault and I would always be there for him. I would never leave him and he could talk to me about anything.
> 
> I was never a doormat with my ex. I always stood up for what is right. I neaver compromised my values. My family will be the first one to say I was always the head of my household.
> 
> I am a damn good father. I always have been and I always will be. I have plenty of regrets but that is not one of them.


Honestly not trying to offend. Probably a better father than me. No one deserves this. It's painfull to read. She's not worth your thoughts.

I hope you get over this quick and have a great future.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I came home today to a great meal. Crock pot had the pot roast ready when we got home. It was kick butt.
> 
> Should have made some rice . But me and the youngest wanted to go xmas shopping. So we scarfed it down and headed out


Here's a clue for the newly single father:

Minute Rice is your friend.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> You're right. It's a crappy deal to go througch.
> 
> My apologies for being curt.


Your ok I needed it. A good kick in the ass was good


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well MAJOR update
> 
> I guess my wife was just notified of the new hearing date. She was not happy and for the first time in 3 weeks she contacted me. I have not been talking or messaging her at all during this time.
> 
> She does not want to go to court and wants to break things up fairly. I think she just wants out and is willing to do whatever she can to make it happen. She was obviously scared.
> 
> I called her and told her how she was manupulating me and she knew she was doing it. I think it finally dawned on her that the judge is not going to look kindly on that.
> 
> Anyway we are going to work out a better division and I will get to see the kids whenever I want too.
> 
> She did however say that maybe in a year we could try again she just needed to get away for a while. I dont think so! Im not going to be plan B.


Stop going behind your professional lawyers back.
you are making it worse for yourself, and on your lawyer to do his job.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

tom67 said:


> No More this could be your future...
> 
> I'm just reading this now for the first time. Allow me to introduce myself... You all know me as "preggers".
> 
> I am now Mrs HiRoad and we are about to celebrate our 2nd year married this 12/13/15.
> 
> Marriage is far from easy and to say that us meeting each other to dating, and making it official has been a whirlwind is putting it lightly.
> 
> HiR and I meet by chance and became friends quick and well.... TBH, He has many qualities that make him a wonderful man, husband, and father. He is all my little girl has known from the moment he brought us home from the hospital to present. He is her daddy and she his only little girl. It makes me emotional even typing this as I think of how close they are. It warms my heart. I know some day she will come to know that her biodad is not her REAL DAD but I have faith it wont matter to her because she has an incredible bond with her REAL DAD.
> 
> We now have a baby boy together and we have vowed to never give up on our marriage no matter what. The challenges we face are probably far more than most married couples have to face and although we have dark days, I know HiR would agree with me, neither of us will walk away. We said I DO and it is Till Death Parts us.
> 
> PS.... Kinda glad WAW left HiR... We both deserved better and we have it now lol
> 
> Sorry from here... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62644-what-do-w-walk-away-wife-51.html


I've read this it did give me hope. Thanks


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I figured I would elaborate on my conversation with my youngest. 

I asked my son if he understood that we were divorced. He stated he did. 
I asked him if he knew where his mother was for 3 weeks. He stated he did.
I asked him how that made him feel that she was gone for 3 weeks. He said he didn't like it.
I told him his mother loves him but she is and has been making very poor decisions that affect us all.
I then asked him if he knew who she was with. He said he did that he saw a picture and she swiped past it on her phone really quick.
We talked about how that was wrong and he has no reason to blame himself and none of this was his fault. He said he didn't feel that way.

He then told me he saw his mothers tattoo. I asked him how he felt about that. He told me that it was not like her to do that and he didn't like it. 
I had a talk with him again on how as a parent I have to set an example for him. That do as I say and not as I do is not the way to set examples for children.

This morning I asked him how he slept. He said he had a bad dream that he had to change schools. I told him to not to worry about that. I kept the house and will always keep the house so he can stay in the same schools. 

He is such an innocent kid. He loves his family and cannot stand going back and forth. He told me yesterday that he looked forward all day to me and him going xmas shopping last night for his brother. 

He sleeps with me at night and last night he told me that he missed me and loves me so much. I am so thankful I have my boys. I love them more than anything in the world.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I figured I would elaborate on my conversation with my youngest.
> 
> I asked my son if he understood that we were divorced. He stated he did.
> I asked him if he knew where his mother was for 3 weeks. He stated he did.
> I asked him how that made him feel that she was gone for 3 weeks. He said he didn't like it.
> I told him his mother loves him but she is and has been making very poor decisions that affect us all.
> I then asked him if he knew who she was with. He said he did that he saw a picture and she swiped past it on her phone really quick.
> We talked about how that was wrong and he has no reason to blame himself and none of this was his fault. He said he didn't feel that way.
> 
> He then told me he saw his mothers tattoo. I asked him how he felt about that. He told me that it was not like her to do that and he didn't like it.
> I had a talk with him again on how as a parent I have to set an example for him. That do as I say and not as I do is not the way to set examples for children.
> 
> This morning I asked him how he slept. He said he had a bad dream that he had to change schools. I told him to not to worry about that. I kept the house and will always keep the house so he can stay in the same schools.
> 
> He is such an innocent kid. He loves his family and cannot stand going back and forth. He told me yesterday that he looked forward all day to me and him going xmas shopping last night for his brother.
> 
> He sleeps with me at night and last night he told me that he missed me and loves me so much. I am so thankful I have my boys. I love them more than anything in the world.


You're going to make me cry, now.
This is so perfect. Not what your dear son is having to deal with, but the way you responded-just perfect.

When you get a chance go over to the Social Spot forum and look at: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/41269-whats-dinner.html

I bet you and your guys can find lots to try.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> You're going to make me cry, now.


Yeah when he told me that he missed me and loves me. It made me cry. Just brought tears to my eyes. 

I know all parents think their kids are special. But he is such a good kid. Does great in school. He loves his dog and takes great care of her. 

Just like my oldest he is not ashamed of showing me affection or telling me he loves me. 

They are both torn right now. They love both their parents and do not want to pick sides. But they know right from wrong and know this is not a good thing.

I am trying hard to make them feel like they are home. My home is their home.

I ordered my youngest a new bed for xmas. I got him a loft bed. He is going to be so excited. When I had to take apart his old bed to give to his mom he was so bummed. It broke my heart. I think this is going to make his day. He is OCD about his room. Everything has to be just right. 

Tonight we are going to eat leftovers, make a gingerbread house, and go to bed early and watch movies.


----------



## Dude007

So you two touched on something here. You realize to get to FEEL all the joy of your sons love, you have to be willing to ACCEPT the PAIN from your ex-spouse? They go hand in hand. You cant have one without RISKING the other. I can barely feel either so trust me, you FEEL the world in FULL COLOR, and I sit here in Black n White.(DAMN ENTP) So be GRATEFUL for all of it! DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

That's true. It is bringing us closer. 

Case in point. Us making dinner together. Usually they would argue with me that they would rather watch TV or some other excuse. There was very little of that.

In fact last night my youngest said. Dad from now on Tuesday is taco day and Thursday is board game night. I said Ok that sounds good. Then my oldest said Friday is desert night and he was going to make a cake.

It felt so good to hear them talk like this. 

I am truly blessed to have such great kids.


----------



## JohnA

Hi NMT4M,

Saw your post on re-I am a coward. Keep reading and posting on other threads. I have noticed this is a major turning point for a BS. I think it represents an acceptance of the need and the finding of strength to move on. It amazes me how quickly these posters rebuild their lives. 

Keep going and keep re-reading bandits recent post on the 18O.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Crazy Ex Update

So she texted me and gave me the time that she will be over to get her stuff. I said Ok bring the youngest and he stays with me.
She stated no he goes back with me. I replied read your divorce papers. I get him 9am the day after Christmas break starts.

No reply

So she wanted to be a pain so I then replied with.

Please ensure your movers have their paperwork proving license and bonding or they will not be allowed on property


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Hi NMT4M,
> 
> Saw your post on re-I am a coward. Keep reading and posting on other threads. I have noticed this is a major turning point for a BS. I think it represents an acceptance of the need and the finding of strength to move on. It amazes me how quickly these posters rebuild their lives.
> 
> Keep going and keep re-reading bandits recent post on the 18O.


I am continued to be amazed how similar my story is with others. I mean its spooky. So when I come across one I try to reply and let them know they are not alone. That helped me.

Guys I am not going anywhere. This place will be my home for a while. Im going to get better and try to help others like you are doing for me


----------



## JohnA

Bingo, you got it. Did you ever think you get here?

Oh you forgot to mention for insurance reasons they need to be bonded with proof of workers compensation.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Bingo, you got it. Did you ever think you get here?
> 
> Oh you forgot to mention for insurance reasons they need to be bonded with proof of workers compensation.


I was just being an ass at first but now it makes sense. Just goes to prove she didn't even read the divorce papers. 

I will follow them to the letter. She will not walk all over me.

If she does not leave my youngest with me I will have my lawyer file contempt of court.


----------



## Dude007

Get a tattoo that says "your loss!" On your back and make sure she sees you shirtless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

What are your holiday plans? At this point I do not believe activities with her and children is wise. If she asks you to join them or join you, decline but state next year would be a better time. This year everyone just needs to settle down and adjust to the new reality of post divorce life.


----------



## Ynot

Marc878 said:


> I hate to say this but real men drink Dos Equis in the green bottle.
> 
> A little lime makes it even better.


I hate to say this but real men don't put fruit in their beers.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> What are your holiday plans? At this point I do not believe activities with her and children is wise. If she asks you to join them or join you, decline but state next year would be a better time. This year everyone just needs to settle down and adjust to the new reality of post divorce life.


My holiday plans do not include her


----------



## Dude007

Ynot said:


> I hate to say this but real men don't put fruit in their beers.


You're all gay!!!!!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Feelingalone

Unless you are in a state like NC where an OM is grounds for no alimony, then it can matter.


----------



## Marc878

Sounds like you're starting to turn the corner here. Excellent.

Treat her like the mailman. You know who she is but she's nothing to you.

Just businesslike. Stay dark except for the kids.

When she picks up her stuff speak only when spoken to if you have to converse at all. Straight to the point and nothing else. 

Look your best!!!!! Good luck, nothing you could ever say will change a thing so don't waste your breath. Remember silence will speak more than anything you could ever say.


----------



## Ynot

Dude007 said:


> You're all gay!!!!!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Said the Miller Lite drinker!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Wife started a text battle last night and my dumbass got sucked into it. 

She basically said I was clueless and she didn't have an affair. 

Guys please tell me im not crazy. She left for 3 weeks, went to Florida and Jamaica. It was a big secret from everyone. Even her mother didn't know. She was hiding pics of herself and the other guy. When I busted her where she was she threatened to take me for everything I had. 

I kept wondering why she felt she had the right to be mad at my oldest. She feels she has done nothing wrong. There is no other man and she was not having an affair.

It really doesn't matter. I don't care. At the very least she still abandoned her kids during a terrible time. If there wasn't another man that makes it even worse. It means she truly didn't care what her kids were going through.

Its all BS

I just want her stuff gone


----------



## Pluto2

No, you're not crazy.

Some WS think they can do a jedi-mind trick (yes I am waiting for the new movie). "This is not an affair I am having. He is not my OM. Move along now.-oh and its all your fault."

When I confronted my WH, with reams of sexting, photo's and some explicit texts, he looked me in the eye and said "under no stretch of the imagination am I having an affair." He was right. He was not having AN affair, he was having several. (He was always bad at math).

You will not convince her of anything right now. And yes, you're right, it really doesn't matter. She fired you. Consider the divorce your exit interview. Maybe one day (in a galaxy far far away), she will admit what she was really up to. It changes nothing.


----------



## Dude007

Ynot said:


> Said the Miller Lite drinker!


IT WAS BUD LIGHT, and IT WAS A MISTAKE!!! I was vulnerable. I was a filling a void. The BUD LIGHT paid attention to me. HA! DUDE


----------



## Dude007

nomoretears4me said:


> wife started a text battle last night and my dumbass got sucked into it.
> 
> She basically said i was clueless and she didn't have an affair.
> 
> Guys please tell me im not crazy. She left for 3 weeks, went to florida and jamaica. It was a big secret from everyone. Even her mother didn't know. She was hiding pics of herself and the other guy. When i busted her where she was she threatened to take me for everything i had.
> 
> I kept wondering why she felt she had the right to be mad at my oldest. She feels she has done nothing wrong. There is no other man and she was not having an affair.
> 
> It really doesn't matter. I don't care. At the very least she still abandoned her kids during a terrible time. If there wasn't another man that makes it even worse. It means she truly didn't care what her kids were going through.
> 
> Its all bs
> 
> i just want her stuff gone


gaslighting


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> No, you're not crazy.
> 
> Some WS think they can do a jedi-mind trick (yest I am waiting for the new movie). "This is not an affair I am having. He is not my OM. Move along now.-oh and its all your fault."
> 
> When I confronted my WH, with reams of sexting, photo's and some explicit texts, he looked me in the eye and said "under no stretch of the imagination am I having an affair." He was right. He was not having AN affair, he was having several. (He was always bad at math).
> 
> You will not convince her of anything right now. And yes, you're right, it really doesn't matter. She fired you. Consider the divorce your exit interview. Maybe one day (in a galaxy far far away), she will admit what she was really up to. It changes nothing.


Thanks

The messages started about the boys and eye exams and turned into her telling me I was harassing her. Even though she texted me. Which turned into her abandoning the boys. Which of course she didn't deny but said that was the only time I was there for them. That is a big joke! 

Its just very frustrating. I got dragged into that and kept saying keep this about the boys. She laughed when I said she was the one responsible for the affair not me. Said I was clueless. 

I'm sure I don't have all the details I know. And I may be wrong about some things. But I don't really care.

She also stated she could come and go into my house as much as she wanted to get her things. She does not know that I have packed it all for her and its in the garage.

I called the sheriffs department this morning to ensure she could not come into my house. They said as long as I gave her what is in the judgement and the divorce is final she cannot come in.


----------



## Dude007

Yeah shes going out in flames!!!


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wife started a text battle last night and my dumbass got sucked into it.
> 
> She basically said I was clueless and she didn't have an affair.


"I did not have 'sex' with that woman."


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> No, you're not crazy.
> 
> Some WS think they can do a jedi-mind trick (yes I am waiting for the new movie). "This is not an affair I am having. He is not my OM. Move along now.-oh and its all your fault."
> 
> When I confronted my WH, with reams of sexting, photo's and some explicit texts, he looked me in the eye and said "under no stretch of the imagination am I having an affair." He was right. He was not having AN affair, he was having several. (He was always bad at math).
> 
> You will not convince her of anything right now. And yes, you're right, it really doesn't matter. She fired you. Consider the divorce your exit interview. Maybe one day (in a galaxy far far away), she will admit what she was really up to. It changes nothing.


I don't like the doubt that maybe I jumped to conclusions. I told my son and everything. Problem is we will never really know cause that guy is not around. 

I told my son this morning that regardless if there is another man or not she still abandoned you at a terrible time to go on a vacation. Her job does not require her to travel so.....

She still refused to work on our marriage and decided to break us up on her own. 

She still lied about the reconciliation. Made us all feel she was working on stuff etc. The manipulation and lies were real regardless if I have any smoking gun pics of her and the other man.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I don't like the doubt that maybe I jumped to conclusions. I told my son and everything. Problem is we will never really know cause that guy is not around.
> 
> I told my son this morning that regardless if there is another man or not she still abandoned you at a terrible time to go on a vacation. Her job does not require her to travel so.....
> 
> She still refused to work on our marriage and decided to break us up on her own.
> 
> She still lied about the reconciliation. Made us all feel she was working on stuff etc. The manipulation and lies were real regardless if I have any smoking gun pics of her and the other man.


WE ALL KNOW WHAT SHE DID!! The undisclosed Anti-Depressants should have told you something was amiss. She was numbing herself up to dump her family. DUDE


----------



## Pluto2

I understand you want to be a strong parent, but could I suggest you refrain from discussing your ex with your boys. When you say things like "abandoned" to them, its trashing their mom. I know, I know, that's exactly what she did. They know it. But right now its much more important that you show your strength by your actions (as in not abandoning them for three weeks), than to talk about what Mom did. Let them form their own relationship with her.

And maybe the next time she texts. Put the phone down for at least one hour before you respond. That gives you time to get mad, cool down, and decide if you really need to respond.

(And yes IMO, she lied to you when she said she didn't have an affair. She just happened to take a trip with a guy from work. It was an accident. He hid in the suitcase)


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> WE ALL KNOW WHAT SHE DID!! The undisclosed Anti-Depressants should have told you something was amiss. She was numbing herself up to dump her family. DUDE


Thanks

I am so over this crap. The day she comes and picks up her stuff will be a big relief. 

Problem is she is then going to start nitpicking and say "I didn't get that" I didn't get this

I'm just going to ignore it. 

I gave exactly what was in the papers. Nothing more nothing less. If she didn't ask for it she aint getting it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> I understand you want to be a strong parent, but could I suggest you refrain from discussing your ex with your boys. When you say things like "abandoned" to them, its trashing their mom. I know, I know, that's exactly what she did. They know it. But right now its much more important that you show your strength by your actions (as in not abandoning them for three weeks), than to talk about what Mom did. Let them form their own relationship with her.
> 
> And maybe the next time she texts. Put the phone down for at least one hour before you respond. That gives you time to get mad, cool down, and decide if you really need to respond.
> 
> (And yes IMO, she lied to you when she said she didn't have an affair. She just happened to take a trip with a guy from work. It was an accident. He hid in the suitcase)


Well I didn't use the word abandoned I just said left and vacation.

Your right I should have put the phone down and walked away. When I get mad I do stupid things.

My mom said the same thing. I was crazy to think it was innocent.

I am so over that piece of trash. I do not ever want to see her again.


----------



## Dude007

Those meds will wear off as her tolerance builds over time and she will crash and burn. You have my word on that! And when she does, remember in your mind just how smart that dude on TAM was!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

Do you recall the concept:

He said - she heard
She said - he heard

What makes you think any of that conversation was about you and her? I am telling you it was about posm and her and how it is not working out between them and she is pissed. She is using you as a surrogate for posm and is venting.

Once again you have encountered a side effect of her fog. Next time she starts up in this way just say "take your drama with posm else were, not my concern".


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Do you recall the concept:
> 
> He said - she heard
> She said - he heard
> 
> What makes you think any of that conversation was about you and her? I am telling you it was about posm and her and how it is not working out between them and she is pissed. She is using you as a surrogate for posm and is venting.
> 
> Once again you have encountered a side effect of her fog. Next time she starts up in this way just say "take your drama with posm else were, not my concern".


Sounds good. Next time I need a live chat and coaching from you guys to keep me out of trouble.


----------



## Pluto2

or my two favorite responses:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I'm not comfortable with the direction of this conversation."

both great ways to get out of a pointless conversation with crazytown.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well I didn't use the word abandoned I just said left and vacation.
> 
> Your right I should have put the phone down and walked away. When I get mad I do stupid things.
> 
> My mom said the same thing. I was crazy to think it was innocent.
> 
> I am so over that piece of trash. I do not ever want to see her again.


Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Your problem is you are still giving her control. Silence is golden. Why continue to waste your time and breath on this? You still have much to learn grasshopper.

I suspect she is denying in case she needs you for plan B.


----------



## Dude007

F her, go be plan "HOT" like me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Your problem is you are still giving her control. Silence is golden. Why continue to waste your time and breath on this? You still have much to learn grasshopper.
> 
> I suspect she is denying in case she needs you for plan B.


I wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire. 

I'm done with her self righteous BS. I'm going to use Pluto's quotes from now on. I'm sorry you feel that way and I don't like the directions this conversation is going.

Lets forget the adultery for a second. Lets pretend it was all BS and I am wrong. There is still the lying, the manipulation, the going behind my back. That is enough to be done with her right there. I cannot ever trust her again even without the OM. She lied to me and the boys. She disregarded them completely and let the pieces fall where they may.

So no I am no plan B. I still got the better end of the divorce money wise and asset wise. She is a dumbass and was in a big hurry. Any person with any sense would not have fired their lawyer and signed anything I gave her.

I wish I had took more. That is my ONLY regret now.

I know in my heart that I loved her and that my Boys love me. That is all I need to know. My conscious is clean. 

I have written my last post where I give her any consideration and doubt. She is not worth my time. I don't care what happens to her and where her life leads. She is officially DEAD to me.

If I backslide again you all have permission to come kick the living crap out of me.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire.
> 
> I'm done with her self righteous BS. I'm going to use Pluto's quotes from now on. I'm sorry you feel that way and I don't like the directions this conversation is going.
> 
> Lets forget the adultery for a second. Lets pretend it was all BS and I am wrong. There is still the lying, the manipulation, the going behind my back. That is enough to be done with her right there. I cannot ever trust her again even without the OM. She lied to me and the boys. She disregarded them completely and let the pieces fall where they may.
> 
> So no I am no plan B. I still got the better end of the divorce money wise and asset wise. She is a dumbass and was in a big hurry. Any person with any sense would not have fired their lawyer and signed anything I gave her.
> 
> I wish I had took more. That is my ONLY regret now.
> 
> I know in my heart that I loved her and that my Boys love me. That is all I need to know. My conscious is clean.
> 
> I have written my last post where I give her any consideration and doubt. She is not worth my time. I don't care what happens to her and where her life leads. She is officially DEAD to me.
> 
> If I backslide again you all have permission to come kick the living crap out of me.


If you haven't go back before she filed for divorce and look at her phone bills. I bet there were many calls/texts to his number

I bet that will spell it out for you.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Good Morning

Gonna be a good day. Its Friday. 

Since ex left my electric bill has went down from 500 a month to 114 this month and 166 last month. 

She is saving me money. I should call her and thank her!


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Good Morning
> 
> Gonna be a good day. Its Friday.
> 
> Since ex left my electric bill has went down from 500 a month to 114 this month and 166 last month.
> 
> She is saving me money. I should call her and thank her!


How much was she using her VIBRATOR??!! DAMN!!!! Dude


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> How much was she using her VIBRATOR??!! DAMN!!!! Dude


I bought her one for Christmas last year to try and spice things up.

She was using that thing 2 times a day without me. I finally found them and threw them in the trash. She got pissed but did not ask me about it.

Lowest electric bill I ever had with her was 270. Highest was 550.
Average at least 350.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

AH HA moment

So until the last few weeks I have been telling my selft things like.. ."If I do this then she will not have blah" Or "If I say that she will do this"

But in the last few days I have been saying "I don't care what she thinks" "Im not concerned with how this affects her"

So Why was I doing that before? I think I was still in protective mode. Thinking of her feelings or worried how it would affect "Us".

I think I may have slightly turned a corner where I don't have to think anymore how something affects her. I don't have to care. And most importantly I don't have to feel bad for not caring. 

I think this thinking started with her accident. I was confused on how to feel and was not sure what to do. Now I realize I don't have to do or say anything. I don't have to worry about it any more. It doesn't affect me any longer.

I knew this but I didn't real FEEL this till very recently.

I know im not fully there yet. But this afternoon I just sat in my car and thought. AH HA... I don't have to feel bad for not caring. She certainly isn't. Why am I?

I have been concerned she would be upset if I did BLAH. But I don't have to feel bad. I don't have to care. I just do what I want for me and the boys and that is all. I don't have to consider her anymore.

It feels good


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> AH HA moment
> 
> So until the last few weeks I have been telling my selft things like.. ."If I do this then she will not have blah" Or "If I say that she will do this"
> 
> But in the last few days I have been saying "I don't care what she thinks" "Im not concerned with how this affects her"
> 
> So Why was I doing that before? I think I was still in protective mode. Thinking of her feelings or worried how it would affect "Us".
> 
> I think I may have slightly turned a corner where I don't have to think anymore how something affects her. I don't have to care. And most importantly I don't have to feel bad for not caring.
> 
> I think this thinking started with her accident. I was confused on how to feel and was not sure what to do. Now I realize I don't have to do or say anything. I don't have to worry about it any more. It doesn't affect me any longer.
> 
> I knew this but I didn't real FEEL this till very recently.
> 
> I know im not fully there yet. But this afternoon I just sat in my car and thought. AH HA... I don't have to feel bad for not caring. She certainly isn't. Why am I?
> 
> I have been concerned she would be upset if I did BLAH. But I don't have to feel bad. I don't have to care. I just do what I want for me and the boys and that is all. I don't have to consider her anymore.
> 
> It feels good


Your LOGIC is starting to take over your FEELING. Wait until your LOGIC explains to you how well you came out ahead on this deal and KATY HOLD THE BARN DOOR!!! Thats when your FEELINGS SOAR in response like a beach ball that someone held under water it must break out and SURGE UPWARD!! Make sense? DUDE


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Your LOGIC is starting to take over your FEELING. Wait until your LOGIC explains to you how well you came out ahead on this deal and KATY HOLD THE BARN DOOR!!! Thats when your FEELINGS SOAR in response like a beach ball that someone held under water it must break out and SURGE UPWARD!! Make sense? DUDE


yes it does make sense and I feel just a small bit of it today.

It makes me feel really good. 

Now DUDE if you can get me a date with Kate Upton all would be good!


----------



## Dude007

Sorry I'm seeing Kate and I doubt she would cheat on me!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Great night tonight me and boys made a cake and then went shopping. 

Hot dogs for dinner we were lazy

Also flirted with girl at work . Kinda fun


----------



## Marc878

Ok another lesson grasshopper.

Perfect hotdog.

Sweet hot chili, mustard yellow, Cole slaw, diced onions. In that order. Lots of cold beer!!!!

you still have much to learn 😏


----------



## Marc878

When you bang that first hot, younger chick send your ex a nice gift.

Card should read. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for leaving. I never thought anything could be this good.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

Dude, NMT 

Kate told me real men drive Jaguars !!!!!!

Her hair looked great blowing in the wind and that skirt rode up kinda high.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> When you bang that first hot, younger chick send your ex a nice gift.
> 
> Card should read.
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for leaving. I never thought anything could be this good.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh my god yes


----------



## Marc878

Kate said to keep lookin cause she only has eyes for me


----------



## Marc878

Grasshopper, you will need to prepare yourself for what may be coming.

The grass looks real green to your ex with the sex vacations in nice resorts paid by OM but he's also gone a lot. Long term this is gonna get old. Plus he probably just wanted a piece of azz on his R&R. I doubt he's gonna want a long term thing with a woman who has two kids.

Remember she said maybe you could at some point get back together. Once they are around each other and the honeymoon is over or her being left alone for long periods of time she may reappear for her plan B, you. Hence her lies about the affair, etc.

She's shown you who she really is. Move on and harden your heart. Don't treat her bad but just like the mailman. Living with this would be extremely difficult and you could waste a lot of life for nothing.


----------



## Marc878

Do yourself a favor and read/study No More Mr Nice Guy if you haven't.

Prepare for your probably very bright future. Right now the world is your oyster.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Grasshopper, you will need to prepare yourself for what may be coming.
> 
> The grass looks real green to your ex with the sex vacations in nice resorts paid by OM but he's also gone a lot. Long term this is gonna get old. Plus he probably just wanted a piece of azz on his R&R. I doubt he's gonna want a long term thing with a woman who has two kids.
> 
> Remember she said maybe you could at some point get back together. Once they are around each other and the honeymoon is over or her being left alone for long periods of time she may reappear for her plan B, you. Hence her lies about the affair, etc.
> 
> She's shown you who she really is. Move on and harden your heart. Don't treat her bad but just like the mailman. Living with this would be extremely difficult and you could waste a lot of life for nothing.


I don't want her. She is damaged goods. A disgusting person that is the polar opposite of the woman that I married.

But to be honest I do have fantasies of fu}#ing her then telling her to get the hell out. 

But I couldn't do that. I'm not that kind of person.

She is loving right now that she has gotten one over on me. But the problem is I no longer care. I really don't. I will always love the memory of who she was. But I hate who she is.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> AH HA moment
> 
> So until the last few weeks I have been telling my selft things like.. ."If I do this then she will not have blah" Or "If I say that she will do this"
> 
> But in the last few days I have been saying "I don't care what she thinks" "Im not concerned with how this affects her"
> 
> So Why was I doing that before? I think I was still in protective mode. Thinking of her feelings or worried how it would affect "Us".
> 
> I think I may have slightly turned a corner where I don't have to think anymore how something affects her. I don't have to care. And most importantly I don't have to feel bad for not caring.
> 
> I think this thinking started with her accident. I was confused on how to feel and was not sure what to do. Now I realize I don't have to do or say anything. I don't have to worry about it any more. It doesn't affect me any longer.
> 
> I knew this but I didn't real FEEL this till very recently.
> 
> I know im not fully there yet. But this afternoon I just sat in my car and thought. AH HA... I don't have to feel bad for not caring. She certainly isn't. Why am I?
> 
> I have been concerned she would be upset if I did BLAH. But I don't have to feel bad. I don't have to care. I just do what I want for me and the boys and that is all. I don't have to consider her anymore.
> 
> It feels good


You're getting there from all this wisdom, superior coaching and expert advice. Once you've finally pulled through we're all gonna come over, drink all your beer and p!ss all your neighbors off with loud, rowdy behavior.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I don't want her. She is damaged goods. A disgusting person that is the polar opposite of the woman that I married.
> 
> But to be honest I do have fantasies of fu}#ing her then telling her to get the hell out.
> 
> But I couldn't do that. I'm not that kind of person.
> 
> She is loving right now that she has gotten one over on me. But the problem is I no longer care. I really don't. I will always love the memory of who she was. But I hate who she is.


Grasshopper, revenge has to be done right. Well planned and executed.

Anal is probably best. &#55357;&#56840;


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Grasshopper, revenge has to be done right. Well planned and executed.
> 
> Anal is probably best.


Funny you say that it was the OM birthday while she was there. I started to tell him happy birthday she used to let me f}%# her in the a33 on mine. Not true of course.


----------



## farsidejunky

A girl at work?

Just take care to not sh!t where you eat, brother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NoMoreTears4me

farsidejunky said:


> A girl at work?
> 
> Just take care to not sh!t where you eat, brother.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk



Yeah I know just flirting nothing more. Kinda practice I guess


----------



## Pluto2

Boys boys

The best revenge is to live a truly authentic life-not engaging in revenge boinking.


----------



## farsidejunky

True, Pluto. But the first time you get "the look" that leads to sex from a woman, after you have been discarded, is a huge emotional victory.

The first time it happened to me, after my ex wife left me, was a moment of realization that I still had value.

I was not in a good place then.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well just had my first friend tell me they heard the news. I restrained myself from telling too much and just said it was something i tried to prevent but I am much happier now.

They were shocked. I did not mention affair but I eluded to it


----------



## Dude007

I'd bang a hot younger thing like the next guy but if I were you I'd go for a mature, attractive, cougar esque woman. One w a lot of assets and income!! Just my thoughts dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA

Your first friends just found out? You hinted out the reasons? Thats bullshyt. A simple note or statement.

"recently our marriage has endured it's fair share of disagreements. These combined to exww adultery has caused us to divorce."

Until you can do that you will be stuck in limbo.


----------



## JohnA

Also forget about hotter and younger. Go for better person, better marriage, and someone your sons think the world of. 

I worked with a guy like you who married a woman 1 year older and a few (guess less then 10) pounds heavier. Better person - yes.
Better wife - yes. Being with her enabled him to be a better husband - yes. Son and daughter like, respect, and are glad their dad found her - yes

His ex - bitter and resentful ? Hell yes.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well just had my first friend tell me they heard the news. I restrained myself from telling too much and just said it was something i tried to prevent but I am much happier now.
> 
> They were shocked. I did not mention affair but I eluded to it


Wow, what 5/6 months of no exposure? Nice cover up.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Your first friends just found out? You hinted out the reasons? Thats bullshyt. A simple note or statement.
> 
> "recently our marriage has endured it's fair share of disagreements. These combined to exww adultery has caused us to divorce."
> 
> Until you can do that you will be stuck in limbo.


I wasn't protecting her just didn't feel like getting into it.

I was vague and told them I was happier now. I don't want the pity or the gossip.

It will come out I its own.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Wow, what 5/6 months of no exposure? Nice cover up.


Huh?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Wow, what 5/6 months of no exposure? Nice cover up.


I've told people at work and it just feels like every time I tell the story I relive it. Just don't feel like going over it again.

I don't want to sound bitter or like the victim. If they ask me direct questions I will tell them. But right now if I start telling the story I just keep going on about it. 

I just don't want to get into the story with them right now


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well just had my first friend tell me they heard the news. I restrained myself from telling too much and just said it was something i tried to prevent but I am much happier now.
> 
> They were shocked. I did not mention affair but I eluded to it


NMT4M ~

When people look at me in bewilderment after I tell them I am divorcing after 33 years of marriage, I simply say, "My STBX didn't get the memo that you date *before* you get married."

Shuts 'em down every time !!!

VH :grin2:


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I don't want her. She is damaged goods. A disgusting person that is the polar opposite of the woman that I married.
> 
> But to be honest I do have fantasies of fu}#ing her then telling her to get the hell out.
> 
> But I couldn't do that. I'm not that kind of person.
> 
> She is loving right now that she has gotten one over on me. But the problem is I no longer care. I really don't. I will always love the memory of who she was. But I hate who she is.


NMT4M ~
She "got nottin' over you" my friend, you HAVE the respect of your sons!
VH :smile2:


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## VeryHurt

JohnA said:


> Also forget about hotter and younger. Go for better person, better marriage, and someone your sons think the world of.
> 
> I worked with a guy like you who married a woman 1 year older and a few (guess less then 10) pounds heavier. Better person - yes.
> Better wife - yes. Being with her enabled him to be a better husband - yes. Son and daughter like, respect, and are glad their dad found her - yes
> 
> His ex - bitter and resentful ? Hell yes.


JA ~

You are a rarity! 

An older, wiser woman with her head on straight, has a secure steady income and assets, knows how to compromise, can communicate like an open book, can be maternal with your sons and a vamp with you?

They ARE around but 99% of men want the "bangin' type."

VH


----------



## JohnA

Not so rare, but why settle for less then a person who when you wake up next to her, you know contentment, wonder, and fulfillment?

Now that will frost her.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

The woman I was flirting with is not a knock out. She is however very sweet and nice always has a smile on her face. She has a wierd laugh and is a little taller than me. But she always seems happy and is just a very nice person. 

I think she was flirting with me but I am very stupid about such things.


----------



## VeryHurt

JohnA said:


> Not so rare, but why settle for less then a person who when you wake up next to her, you know contentment, wonder, and fulfillment?
> 
> Now that will frost her.


Because most men don't give a crap to wake up with wonderment they want to wake up with an erection and a bangin' chick next to him!


----------



## VeryHurt

Marc878 said:


> Kate said to keep lookin cause she only has eyes for me


I hate to break the news to you guys but Kate is my cousin and she doesn't date men who like beer, she prefers Christophe champagne!
Cheers !!! :crying: :wink2: :surprise:


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## Marc878

VeryHurt said:


> I hate to break the news to you guys but Kate is my cousin and she doesn't date men who like beer, she prefers Christophe champagne!
> Cheers !!! :crying: :wink2: :surprise:


I prefer Dom Perignon. So I'm still number one.


----------



## VeryHurt

OFF TOPIC

There is a picture on my iPad that I would like to use as my avatar.

Can that be done?

I am not technical whatsoever.

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

http://youtu.be/pc0mxOXbWIU


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## NoMoreTears4me

Been cleaning like crazy today. It's like I just moved in. So much stuff not unpacked. I have found stuff I forgot we had. Moved into this house 3 years ago and it was never made into a home.

I found 3 old original game boys in a box. Forgot I had em. My kids have been playing em all-day.

Lord help me tomorrow is Monday


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I do feel better recently. I have started to be more productive at work. I am getting my home in order and making it an actual home.

My love for my boys only grows stronger. And I do not miss her as much. I see her for what she is.

I am getting in shape and it feels good. And I think when this is over I will be a better person. Maybe a lonely person but I will deal with that as it comes.

Overall this would have been better if it happened a few years back. 

That is today so far. Wonder how tomorrow will go


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well found out today that my ex wifes mother kept an old key to my house. I have since changed the locks. I think her intention was to be able to get anything that she wanted when my ex came to get her stuff.

Question: How do I keep her out when im not home? My sons get home from school aprox 45 minutes before I get home. In that time she could come over and they let her in. I have told my sons not to let her in but what if they do?


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## turnera

If you're legally divorced, she no longer has legal right to your home, I believe. That's a police action. How old are your sons?


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## Dude007

nomoretears4me said:


> well found out today that my ex wifes mother kept an old key to my house. I have since changed the locks. I think her intention was to be able to get anything that she wanted when my ex came to get her stuff.
> 
> Question: How do i keep her out when im not home? My sons get home from school aprox 45 minutes before i get home. In that time she could come over and they let her in. I have told my sons not to let her in but what if they do?


rottweiler


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> If you're legally divorced, she no longer has legal right to your home, I believe. That's a police action. How old are your sons?


They are 15 and 11. one gets home at 3:00 The other gets home at 3:45. Then I am home at 4:30.

So they are by themselves for about 1.5 hours. Maybe 2.

Not enough time to pillage the house but enough time to cause problems. 

I have told the boys they cant come in. But just the fact she was holding on to that key shows intent in my eyes.

Glad I changed the locks. Now I have to keep the key away from them.

I would defiantly call the police. 

The other thing I worry about now is the boys being alone for a few hours and she use that against me. This has been the case this year even when she lived here. It did not make sense to send them to daycare when I will be home in an hour or so.


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## Dude007

I stayed home by myself all day at age 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

They should be old enough, then, to know not to let her in.


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## Marc878

You're learning. Changing the locks is a good thing.


----------



## farsidejunky

Dude007 said:


> rottweiler


:rofl:

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Pluto2

You're not _changing_ how the boys were cared for before the D, you are maintaining it. Should she pitch a fit and seek greater custody, she'll have to come up with more than this. It might be a good idea to have your attorney send a letter to her to remind her that the house is your separate home and she does not have access to it. That way if she tries anything you will have a paper trail to support you.


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## Cynthia

If she is outside, can she tell if the boys are home? There has to be some kind of plan for how to deal with it if she does show up. It would be extremely difficult for the boys to not let her in if she starts knocking and insisting.
If she shows up when you are at work, can you leave work immediately, and if so, how long will it take you to get there?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> If she is outside, can she tell if the boys are home? There has to be some kind of plan for how to deal with it if she does show up. It would be extremely difficult for the boys to not let her in if she starts knocking and insisting.
> If she shows up when you are at work, can you leave work immediately, and if so, how long will it take you to get there?


It would take me 30 minutes to get home.

The alarm on the house sends me emails and texts when the doors are open.

After her things are gone I will send her an email stating that the house is my property and what she can and cannot do.


----------



## Cynthia

If she has a plan to get into the house and take whatever she wants, she would likely do it when she thinks no one will be home or when the boys are home, but you are at work. It would be almost impossible for the boys not to let her in unless she didn't know they were home and they could ignore her.
Does she legally have to make an appointment with you in order to get her things? Could you send her a letter stating that she is not allowed on your property unless she has your permission to be there at that time and if she shows up unannounced that she will be trespassing?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> If she has a plan to get into the house and take whatever she wants, she would likely do it when she thinks no one will be home or when the boys are home, but you are at work. It would be almost impossible for the boys not to let her in unless she didn't know they were home and they could ignore her.
> Does she legally have to make an appointment with you in order to get her things? Could you send her a letter stating that she is not allowed on your property unless she has your permission to be there at that time and if she shows up unannounced that she will be trespassing?


I have my divorce papers which state the house is mine and she signed a quit deed that has been registered at the court house. 

I have told her I must be there for her to get her things. Whether she follows that is another story. 

I have changed the locks and keep a close hold on those keys.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I have my divorce papers which state the house is mine and she signed a quit deed that has been registered at the court house.
> 
> I have told her I must be there for her to get her things. Whether she follows that is another story.
> 
> I have changed the locks and keep a close hold on those keys.


Cameras are cheap. Get a couple and if you catch her in the home have her charged with trespass.

That's what she'd do to you. What's good for the goose.....,...


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Cameras are cheap. Get a couple and if you catch her in the home have her charged with trespass.
> 
> That's what she'd do to you. What's good for the goose.....,...



I thought of getting a few of those trail cams


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I know this sounds stupid but I was thinking of taking a creative writing class. I have never written anything but I think it would be fun to try.

Anyone ever do this?


----------



## Pluto2

Sounds like a great idea. I imagine you have cultivated a whole bevy of new ideas in the last year.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> Sounds like a great idea. I imagine you have cultivated a whole bevy of new ideas in the last year.


Think im going to write Start Trek Erotic fan fiction 

Just kidding


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know this sounds stupid but I was thinking of taking a creative writing class. I have never written anything but I think it would be fun to try.
> 
> Anyone ever do this?


Perfect!!!!! Something anyone should do. Learn how to write a resume, etc, too


----------



## Nucking Futs

Marc878 said:


> Perfect!!!!! Something anyone should do. Learn how to write a resume, etc, too


Creative writing would be perfect for that! :wink2:


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Im having trouble finding something local. It was just a thought. Looking for something to start first of the year.


----------



## JohnA

Writing requires several steps two of which are; reading great writers and writing about something you have an interest in/passion for.

What have you read that inspires you?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I read a lot of fiction. I like short stories. Most recently read , game of thrones, some Stephen king, old science fiction classics. Asimov etc.

I don't know if its a passion but I do like the old science fiction stuff


----------



## JohnA

By the way how are your Christmass plans shaping up. One of the challenges you face is being prepared for the what ifs your ex may pull. What are they, and how will you respond ? I have no children but the stories I have heard of what ex's pull or try to pull are stranger then fiction.

Other posters care to share what you faced and how you handled it, or wish you had handled it?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> By the way how are your Christmass plans shaping up. One of the challenges you face is being prepared for the what ifs your ex may pull. What are they, and how will you respond ? I have no children but the stories I have heard of what ex's pull or try to pull are stranger then fiction.
> 
> Other posters care to share what you faced and how you handled it, or wish you had handled it?


I have the boys from 9Am this Saturday to the 25th on 6pm.

We are opening presents on new years eve. Christmas day we are going to smoke a ham.

I don't think there will be any problems but if there are I have a copy of mydivorce papers and will document all that happens.


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know this sounds stupid but I was thinking of taking a creative writing class. I have never written anything but I think it would be fun to try.
> 
> Anyone ever do this?


It's not stupid.
One of my electives in college was Creative Writing.


----------



## Marc878

Try a local community college. Reasonable cost and sometimes a good variety of courses.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I thought of getting a few of those trail cams


If you think it could be a problem don't wait and then be sorry.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

When I was a kid Star Wars was THE movie. There was none that came close. We waited years between movies for the next installment. I had all the toys. Millennium Falcon and Tie Fighters hanging in my room. Star wars sheets and curtains. And when we played star wars I always wanted to be Han.

Then came the prequels. They do not exist in my universe and never will. 

Don't get me started on the revised special editions.

From the reviews the new movie is great and I am glad. Finally my kids will get to see a real star wars movie. A movie that is fun and takes you to a galaxy far far away.

I am taking my sons to see the new movie Sunday afternoon. I cant wait! Gonna be a great day.



May the force be with you... Always


----------



## Marc878

Yep, you're gettin there. Kids are gonna have an unforgettable Christmas. Good male bonding time !!!!!


----------



## turnera

I had to go to Target tonight and buy the movies (IV, V, and VI) because DD25 is going tomorrow with her boyfriend and can't really remember the movies. I was like, wait, you didn't see them 12 times each? Oh wait, that was me, lol.

I just assumed I had them at home for her to watch but when I went to look, they would have been back in the Sony Betamax days, and that machine isn't hooked up any more. I just never needed to watch them again since then cos I saw them (at the movies) so many times that I have them all memorized.


----------



## honcho

turnera said:


> I had to go to Target tonight and buy the movies (IV, V, and VI) because DD25 is going tomorrow with her boyfriend and can't really remember the movies. I was like, wait, you didn't see them 12 times each? Oh wait, that was me, lol.
> 
> I just assumed I had them at home for her to watch but when I went to look, they would have been back in the Sony Betamax days, and that machine isn't hooked up any more. I just never needed to watch them again since then cos I saw them (at the movies) so many times that I have them all memorized.


I still have a box of beta movies somewhere in the basement......


----------



## Marc878

turnera said:


> I had to go to Target tonight and buy the movies (IV, V, and VI) because DD25 is going tomorrow with her boyfriend and can't really remember the movies. I was like, wait, you didn't see them 12 times each? Oh wait, that was me, lol.
> 
> I just assumed I had them at home for her to watch but when I went to look, they would have been back in the Sony Betamax days, and that machine isn't hooked up any more. I just never needed to watch them again since then cos I saw them (at the movies) so many times that I have them all memorized.


Hahaha, VHS tapes and 8track stereos. Those were the days!!!!!!!


----------



## Absurdist

honcho said:


> I still have a box of beta movies somewhere in the basement......


Alas Honcho, like me, you are bad old. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

The drama is over she is gone and took her stuff. He hee


----------



## Marc878

That'll help close a chapter in your life now time for you to move on. Remember from now on she's the mailman.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I got an extra present her mom has decided to move back to where she came from.

It's a Christmas miracle


----------



## Dude007

Cool!!! Just don't set up your Match.com or eHornmany profile til you breeze it passed us. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I got an extra present her mom has decided to move back to where she came from.
> 
> It's a Christmas miracle


Bwahahahahahah. Damn!!!!!!! WTH. 

A tall hot looking blonde virgin will show up next

Your lucky as hell


----------



## Marc878

On the flip side xWW may be back looking for plan B. Yikes!!!!!!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

No she is still talking to OM. Son told me. Doesn't matter. I'm not plan b


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pick up day


So around 7:45 I texted my youngest and asked him to tell me when he was on his way. Around 8:15 he did. I called the sherrifs department non emergency number and asked for an officer to be here. They told me no that if there was a disturbance then to call.

She showed up about 8:40. Came to the front door with my youngest. I let him in and told her she could not enter. She got mad and said her lawyer said she could. I told her all her things were in the garage. She asked me to open the garage so she could look through it. I told her no not until the movers got here. She told me it was not fair that she did not get to pick the stuff she wanted. I told her it was not fair she had removed all the pictures and other item without telling me. She then got pissed and called me a bastard and told me to burn in hell.

I then close the door and called 911. I told them exactly what happened and she tried to force her way into the house. At this point she was knocking on the front door and crying with a completely different tone. Her tears don't move me anymore. I went to the door and talked through it. It has glass. She started to name off things and I stated they were all outside and if I missed something she could contact me. She asked me about a recliner. I stated it was not in the divorce agreement and i was keeping it. She said I was going against what we agreed to. I told her she should have read the divorce papers better. I then walked away and did not return to the door.

At this point the police arrived and I greeted him at my door. I explained the situation and showed him what I packed and was under advisement from my lawyer. He was impressed how neat the packin was and advised her to load her stuff and leave . Then he talked to both of us and said he did not want to be back out here. I told I was going in the house and would not come back out.

I then gave the movers instructions on exactly why they could move. I marked the garage floor with blue painter tape and said do not go outside of that.

About 20 minutes later her mother arrived and started kicking and beating my back door. I then saw her on the phone in the front yard. I assumed she was calling the police. She was. 

The police arrived again and talked to her at the front of my drive way for about 10 minutes. They then headed to my front door. I greeted them and apologized for them coming out again. I explained that her mother was kicking and beating my door and I took the boys upstairs and did not answer the door. I told them she was crazy. They agreed and said they did not need to be told that. They asked me about the generator and I said it was a gift for moving her stuff to her new house and that all tools were mine in the divorce papers. 

They stated that was a civil matter. I then asked for her to be removed from my property. They stated not a problem she was going to be removed.

After that the ex and the movers loaded the rest of the stuff.

A little while later her mother texted my 10 year old and told him she was keeping his dog cause I had her generator. They then had a big round of texts. A 60 year old woman and my 10 year old fighting about his dog.

I then texted my ex and told her I was going to have harassment charges brought against her mother for harassing a minor.

So yeah it was a crazy morning


----------



## farsidejunky

You did well, brother.

You made the best of a tough situation.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## honcho

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Pick up day
> 
> 
> So around 7:45 I texted my youngest and asked him to tell me when he was on his way. Around 8:15 he did. I called the sherrifs department non emergency number and asked for an officer to be here. They told me no that if there was a disturbance then to call.
> 
> She showed up about 8:40. Came to the front door with my youngest. I let him in and told her she could not enter. She got mad and said her lawyer said she could. I told her all her things were in the garage. She asked me to open the garage so she could look through it. I told her no not until the movers got here. She told me it was not fair that she did not get to pick the stuff she wanted. I told her it was not fair she had removed all the pictures and other item without telling me. She then got pissed and called me a bastard and told me to burn in hell.
> 
> I then close the door and called 911. I told them exactly what happened and she tried to force her way into the house. At this point she was knocking on the front door and crying with a completely different tone. Her tears don't move me anymore. I went to the door and talked through it. It has glass. She started to name off things and I stated they were all outside and if I missed something she could contact me. She asked me about a recliner. I stated it was not in the divorce agreement and i was keeping it. She said I was going against what we agreed to. I told her she should have read the divorce papers better. I then walked away and did not return to the door.
> 
> At this point the police arrived and I greeted him at my door. I explained the situation and showed him what I packed and was under advisement from my lawyer. He was impressed how neat the packin was and advised her to load her stuff and leave . Then he talked to both of us and said he did not want to be back out here. I told I was going in the house and would not come back out.
> 
> I then gave the movers instructions on exactly why they could move. I marked the garage floor with blue painter tape and said do not go outside of that.
> 
> About 20 minutes later her mother arrived and started kicking and beating my back door. I then saw her on the phone in the front yard. I assumed she was calling the police. She was.
> 
> The police arrived again and talked to her at the front of my drive way for about 10 minutes. They then headed to my front door. I greeted them and apologized for them coming out again. I explained that her mother was kicking and beating my door and I took the boys upstairs and did not answer the door. I told them she was crazy. They agreed and said they did not need to be told that. They asked me about the generator and I said it was a gift for moving her stuff to her new house and that all tools were mine in the divorce papers.
> 
> They stated that was a civil matter. I then asked for her to be removed from my property. They stated not a problem she was going to be removed.
> 
> After that the ex and the movers loaded the rest of the stuff.
> 
> A little while later her mother texted my 10 year old and told him she was keeping his dog cause I had her generator. They then had a big round of texts. A 60 year old woman and my 10 year old fighting about his dog.
> 
> I then texted my ex and told her I was going to have harassment charges brought against her mother for harassing a minor.
> 
> So yeah it was a crazy morning


So just another day in the world of "amicable divorce"....

I'll never forget the look on my ex's face when she showed up at the crack of dawn with the sherrifs to get her stuff unannounced of course. She wanted to go thru house and pick and chose, I had the garage stuffed tight with boxes, opened the garage door told them to start loading. She was just shocked I had the audacity to pack her things.

Told the police that she had signed an abandon the domicile in the temp order and if she set one foot on the property to arrest her, the police agreed and she pouted in her car on the street watching her sister load boxes while I listened to the cops whine about wasting time on foolishness like this.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I apologized to the officers multiple times and said this was a waste of their time. They understood.

Like you I was not going to have her pic and choose through my house. I was nice and cordial and I think it drove her crazy.


----------



## Marc878

Perfect. She's an X now. This should dissipate now that you've put her in her place.

But don't forget. You and no one else can fix crazy. Best to keep your distance here. Your life will quickly become your own a lot swifter now.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

For the first time in a long time I was in control again. It felt good. I had nothing to lose. She is not mine anymore. I did not care about her feelings.

Things ARE looking up. I'm not over her completely but it's better. I think I will always love her. But trust and respect will never return.

My son was really bummed yesterday afternoon. He told me he did not get me anything for xmas. His mom usually takes him shopping for me. I told him I had my boys and that was all i needed. Besides whackadoo MIL is moving away. No way he could top that!

Star Wars today then living Christmas tree at church.


----------



## VeryHurt

NMT4M ~

I am glad you're feeling better. :smile2:

BTW: What happened with the dog?

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> NMT4M ~
> 
> I am glad you're feeling better. :smile2:
> 
> BTW: What happened with the dog?
> 
> VH


Ex wife went and got the dog. She has now cut her mom out of her life as well.


----------



## Marc878

You have come far grasshopper. 

Gotta love that kid thinking of his dad for Christmas!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

My oldest is in the kitchen cooking bacon and pancakes. Youngest helping me make the bed. 

It's nice outside but cold. 4 more hours till star wars


----------



## Pluto2

NMT, this is great news! A major turning point for you and the boys.

My opinion of your ex went up a little when I read she got the dog-but just a little. Enjoy the movie (no spoilers please)


----------



## honcho

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I apologized to the officers multiple times and said this was a waste of their time. They understood.
> 
> Like you I was not going to have her pic and choose through my house. I was nice and cordial and I think it drove her crazy.


Yup on driving them crazy and I probably enjoyed that part too much >

The ironic part is I has been begging her lawyer to arrange a time for months to get the junk out of the house yet she has her "victim" story in full gear with the cops about how I was refusing to give her the stuff etc etc.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

honcho said:


> Yup on driving them crazy and I probably enjoyed that part too much >
> 
> The ironic part is I has been begging her lawyer to arrange a time for months to get the junk out of the house yet she has her "victim" story in full gear with the cops about how I was refusing to give her the stuff etc etc.



Same here I asked her multiple times and told her I had to be here. When I finally sent a text and said get your **** out of my house she replied with a exact date and time. She already knew and was not telling me. Or just did not cAre.

It never dawned on her that I might be busy or could not be there at that time. She was dragging her feet and I don't know why nor care. It's done now. Thank god


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

honcho said:


> Yup on driving them crazy and I probably enjoyed that part too much >
> .


I especially enjoyed the part when MIL started walking toward us and the officer turned to her and said ma'am stop where you are and go back or I will remove you.

That was awesome.


----------



## Dude007

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume none of you guys live in Baltimore or Detroit based on the availability of law enforcement for events like these. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume none of you guys live in Baltimore or Detroit based on the availability of law enforcement for events like these. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I live on the corner of crazy and selfish.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I live on the corner of crazy and selfish.


Grasshopper, you mean. " Did " you're moving past that now. Your advancement will pick up much speed from here.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

It's Star Wars day. Call me Padawan!


----------



## Cynthia

Reading your updates and smiling. I'm so glad that she got her stuff and you have that off your mind and out of your life. You did great.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I just texted my ex and told her to tell her mother I don't want this generator. In exchange her mother must never speak to me again.

I just don't want it and it's not right. It's not mine and it would always be a reminder of that crazy winch.

Told her to send a third party cause I have started process of restraining order.


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I just texted my ex and told her to tell her mother I don't want this generator. In exchange her mother must never speak to me again.
> 
> I just don't want it and it's not right. It's not mine and it would always be a reminder of that crazy winch.
> 
> Told her to send a third party cause I have started process of restraining order.


Oh no! 
No More Drama. Doing that just stirs up drama. Now someone has to come and get it. It would be better for you to just drop it off and be done with it now.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

No it will be ok. Third party had to get it.

I don't want it on my conscious.

Ex wife and mom won't come.


----------



## Cynthia

Your conscience is important. It's the added drama that had me concerned.


----------



## Marc878

You could have just sent it over. Needless contact. I would go ahead with the restraining order.

You need to learn to detach, I suspect you've invited more by not being able to just stay out of the fray.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> You could have just sent it over. Needless contact. I would go ahead with the restraining order.
> 
> You need to learn to detach, I suspect you've invited more by not being able to just stay out of the fray.



I thought about it all afternoon. I felt like I was prolonging the drama by keeping it. I should have let it go this morning. 

It's all good though I'm not worried about it. 

I felt it was the right thing to do. I want to be free and clear and it feels like by holding on to it I was forcing future conflict.

With it gone there is no possibility of future contact. 

I promise I'm fine with it. I actually feel better having done that.


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I thought about it all afternoon. I felt like I was prolonging the drama by keeping it. I should have let it go this morning.
> 
> It's all good though I'm not worried about it.
> 
> I felt it was the right thing to do. I want to be free and clear and it feels like by holding on to it I was forcing future conflict.
> 
> With it gone there is no possibility of future contact.
> 
> I promise I'm fine with it. I actually feel better having done that.


Okay, so it was an emotional decision to hang onto it and you regretted that decision, but now you have another issue of needing someone to come and pick it up to take it away. That is a loose end that you don't need, which adds to the drama.
Is there a specific plan as to who is going to pick it up and when? Is this it or is there something else left?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Me and x still have to divide photographs and I have to take kids back. So I can take it back anytime. 

Your right I don't want the extra drama I will take it back when I can or she can arrange to get it.

I just felt it set a bad example for the boys. It wasn't mine and they knew it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> You could have just sent it over. Needless contact. I would go ahead with the restraining order.
> 
> You need to learn to detach, I suspect you've invited more by not being able to just stay out of the fray.



Your right I should have just taken it back without a word. 

I was talking to my mom at the time and I told her I didn't feel right keeping it and I just kind of took it from there.

But good news is I feel better about this decision than the one to keep it.

All is good. Was a good day


----------



## honcho

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Me and x still have to divide photographs and I have to take kids back. So I can take it back anytime.
> 
> Your right I don't want the extra drama I will take it back when I can or she can arrange to get it.
> 
> I just felt it set a bad example for the boys. It wasn't mine and they knew it.


Do yourself a favor and just get all the photos duplicated and drop them off. Do you think the 2 of you can ever realistically sit down and be rational adults and take a trip down memory lane dividing photos?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

honcho said:


> Do yourself a favor and just get all the photos duplicated and drop them off. Do you think the 2 of you can ever realistically sit down and be rational adults and take a trip down memory lane dividing photos?


That's what we are ding I have all the digital and she has physical.
no way we are sitting down together and doing it.


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> update:
> 
> Found out yesterday where she is and who she is with. Put all the pieces together and she was cheating on me after all. I was blind to it and kept trying to make excuses and believing her lies.
> 
> I let her know that I know where she is and who she is with. I called her mother and told her exactly what she is doing and what she has been doing. I plan on telling everyone that she has been bad mouthing me too. Why should I look bad and she keep her reputation. Im not the one who cheated.
> 
> I cant stand the thought of her now. Lying, manipulating b&%$%. I hope she rots in Hell.


It's so nice to see when people move out the denial phase and into anger! Welcome, my friend, welcome, we've been waiting for you you.:toast:


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wow. I'm super bummed today.
> 
> I cant live alone. I need someone to come home to. This is going to be so hard. I was feeling so good yesterday and Im really just depressed today.
> 
> Not a good place to be. I hate it


Get a dog.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I thought about it all afternoon. I felt like I was prolonging the drama by keeping it. I should have let it go this morning.
> 
> It's all good though I'm not worried about it.
> 
> I felt it was the right thing to do. I want to be free and clear and it feels like by holding on to it I was forcing future conflict.
> 
> With it gone there is no possibility of future contact.
> 
> I promise I'm fine with it. I actually feel better having done that.


I guess you'll have to give up your spot on doomsday preppers!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> @;
> 
> She has called the police on me twice. Both times for nothing and I could not figure out why. Later on I learned that she was trying to build a case of abuse or something cause that's what it said in the original divorce papers.
> 
> One was over me taking my son to help me with something and she demanded he stay and eat his grilled cheese. I said no we have to go now and that was no dinner anyway. So she called the police.
> 
> If I don't have them here she will most likely


I'd throw all of her shi!t in a storage unit, pay the first month and send the key and address home with one of the boys. Finito!


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know. I keep reminding myself of the bad things she has done. But then I hear her talking to my son this morning on the phone and she is so damn happy!
> 
> I cant wait. I want someone to make me happy. Im also afraid im gonna jump for the first person that pays me any attention. Everybody says I need time before I jump into something else. Problem is I haven't received any love from my ex in so long I already feel lonely before the divorce.


She *sounds* happy, that's really easy to fake, especially when she knows you might be listening. She's living at her mom's house, not putting up a Christmas Tree, and her oldest son knows mommy's a wh*re, she can't be that happy >. 

When you say you want someone to make you happy, you are going about this wrong. You need to be happy on your own first, then find someone who can share your happiness with you. No one can make you happy but you, and trying to find someone to do that will only lead to more trouble down the road. It will just be a distraction from yourself and soon you'll be right back where you started.


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> That's what I just cant imagine. We were together 22 years. How can she see that I am hurt and think its funny?
> 
> I mean she would really have to hate me and think I deserve this.
> 
> On top of that she would have to not care what anyone thinks and the kids.
> 
> I guess that is who she is now. But its hard to imagine


The person you are divorcing is not the same person you married, repeat that to yourself.


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well found out today that my ex wifes mother kept an old key to my house. I have since changed the locks. I think her intention was to be able to get anything that she wanted when my ex came to get her stuff.
> 
> Question: How do I keep her out when im not home? My sons get home from school aprox 45 minutes before I get home. In that time she could come over and they let her in. I have told my sons not to let her in but what if they do?


It's a difficult situation to put the boys in to tell them to tell their mother that she can't come in. Of course, she should not put them in this position but selfish people often do. Talk to your lawyer about it and tell her you will charge her with trespassing if she comes in. I'd try to leave the boys out of it as much as possible.


----------



## Lilac23

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Pick up day
> 
> 
> So around 7:45 I texted my youngest and asked him to tell me when he was on his way. Around 8:15 he did. I called the sherrifs department non emergency number and asked for an officer to be here. They told me no that if there was a disturbance then to call.
> 
> She showed up about 8:40. Came to the front door with my youngest. I let him in and told her she could not enter. She got mad and said her lawyer said she could. I told her all her things were in the garage. She asked me to open the garage so she could look through it. I told her no not until the movers got here. She told me it was not fair that she did not get to pick the stuff she wanted. I told her it was not fair she had removed all the pictures and other item without telling me. She then got pissed and called me a bastard and told me to burn in hell.
> 
> I then close the door and called 911. I told them exactly what happened and she tried to force her way into the house. At this point she was knocking on the front door and crying with a completely different tone. Her tears don't move me anymore. I went to the door and talked through it. It has glass. She started to name off things and I stated they were all outside and if I missed something she could contact me. She asked me about a recliner. I stated it was not in the divorce agreement and i was keeping it. She said I was going against what we agreed to. I told her she should have read the divorce papers better. I then walked away and did not return to the door.
> 
> At this point the police arrived and I greeted him at my door. I explained the situation and showed him what I packed and was under advisement from my lawyer. He was impressed how neat the packin was and advised her to load her stuff and leave . Then he talked to both of us and said he did not want to be back out here. I told I was going in the house and would not come back out.
> 
> I then gave the movers instructions on exactly why they could move. I marked the garage floor with blue painter tape and said do not go outside of that.
> 
> About 20 minutes later her mother arrived and started kicking and beating my back door. I then saw her on the phone in the front yard. I assumed she was calling the police. She was.
> 
> The police arrived again and talked to her at the front of my drive way for about 10 minutes. They then headed to my front door. I greeted them and apologized for them coming out again. I explained that her mother was kicking and beating my door and I took the boys upstairs and did not answer the door. I told them she was crazy. They agreed and said they did not need to be told that. They asked me about the generator and I said it was a gift for moving her stuff to her new house and that all tools were mine in the divorce papers.
> 
> They stated that was a civil matter. I then asked for her to be removed from my property. They stated not a problem she was going to be removed.
> 
> After that the ex and the movers loaded the rest of the stuff.
> 
> A little while later her mother texted my 10 year old and told him she was keeping his dog cause I had her generator. They then had a big round of texts. A 60 year old woman and my 10 year old fighting about his dog.
> 
> I then texted my ex and told her I was going to have harassment charges brought against her mother for harassing a minor.
> 
> So yeah it was a crazy morning


B!tches be crazy, yo.


----------



## aine

NOmoreTears, my heart breaks for your children who should not be stuck in the middle of this tsunami. Your XW is a piece of work, hard to believe someone could do this and cause this scene and not care about the impact on the kids 

You stay firm and strong, do not give in, follow everything by the book. Can you take out a restraining order against her, ask your lawyer what the best move is. You need to protect your children from this, it will leave scars.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

aine said:


> NOmoreTears, my heart breaks for your children who should not be stuck in the middle of this tsunami. Your XW is a piece of work, hard to believe someone could do this and cause this scene and not care about the impact on the kids
> 
> You stay firm and strong, do not give in, follow everything by the book. Can you take out a restraining order against her, ask your lawyer what the best move is. You need to protect your children from this, it will leave scars.



I think the worst is over. We can all settle into some kind of rhythm now. She is still my kids mom and I know she loves them. I'm going to concentrate on being a good dad. 

I don't want to hurt the kids anymore than they currently are. They love my home and me. We are going to have a good xmas. 

I'm just glad they see th MIL for what she really is now. Did not take long for her to show her true colors


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I guess I don't have much to say now that its really over. 

The final act includes drama between the ex and MIL. 

The kids getting to see first hand MIL is crazy.

My "pickup" plan working pretty good. 

Nothing left but to move forward. The drama, at least the major drama, is over. 

I've thought a lot about how things turned out in the past few months. Some things fell into my lap and others I had to struggle with. 

Although I may become indifferent I don't think I will ever stop loving my ex-wife. She was apart of half of my life and not so easily forgotten. I am very saddened by what she has turned into. I guess she chose the dark side. 

The biggest gift I could have hoped for was my youngest seeing first hand that his "grandma" does not belong in his life. He needed to learn that himself and there is no way I could explain it. He had to witness it. Unfortunately his mother has taken the same path. 

I shielded them from the drama Saturday the best I could and I was successful until crazy MIL texted my youngest. But I think that was for the good.

Now its time to move on. Get my life in order and work on what I want with the rest of my life.

I'm sure I will be posting when my boys leave to go to their moms and I am truly alone for the first time since this started. But I am stronger than I was 2 months ago.

Thanks to all of you who helped me and gave me good advice. Sometimes I followed it and sometimes I forgot it. But it was all good and It helped me tremendously.

Im not going away. I plan on responding to others thread and help them If I can.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> The biggest gift I could have hoped for was my youngest seeing first hand that his "grandma" does not belong in his life. He needed to learn that himself and there is no way I could explain it. He had to witness it. Unfortunately his mother has taken the same path.


Note to self: Learn, moving forward, that when you start dating a woman, take a good hard look at her mother. She is almost certain to turn out just.like.her.


----------



## Cynthia

turnera said:


> Note to self: Learn, moving forward, that when you start dating a woman, take a good hard look at her mother. She is almost certain to turn out just.like.her.


Are you just like your mother?

My mother is a wonderful, loving person. In some ways I am a lot like her, but in others I am much different. I handle things much differently than my mother does.

I have two daughters. My first daughter and I can finish each other's sentences. We think alike and sound the same. You can't even tell us apart on the phone. Even our husbands have trouble telling us apart on the phone. She also looks a lot like me.

My other daughter has a completely different personality and way of viewing life. She approaches things quite differently than I do. We don't look a like either. She looks more like my husband's side of the family.

There are no hard and fast rules like that. We have to evaluate people as individuals. Taking into account their family dynamics is useful, but assuming that a woman will be just like her mother is not helpful in determining whether a woman is a suitable mate or not.


----------



## turnera

Beg to disagree. And thousands of threads on forums like this over the past couple decades that I've read prove it out.

I'm exactly like my mother in lots and lots of ways. My DD25 is just like me in tons of ways. I'm sure you're like yours in tons of ways. And your daughters will turn out to have a lot of your beliefs, mannerisms, choices, too.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Unfortunately my ex-wife has turned into her mother. I can see it now that my blinders are off and I am reminded what her mother is like. She doesn't have all her traits but she defiantly has the worst ones. I was stupid and thought I could change her. Boy was I wrong. The bad thing now is the kids have seen what their "grandma" is like and are noticing the similarities as well.

Its really sad. 

I'm sure I have bad traits of my mother and father as well. In fact I know I do. When I see them in my parents I recognize myself and try to change. Sometimes that's easy sometimes I really have to work on it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

According to my divorce papers me ex has to give me her new address. She did by certified mail.

I looked up the address and she has like 5 sex offenders in her neighborhood.

How should I handle this?


----------



## tom67

NoMoreTears4me said:


> According to my divorce papers me ex has to give me her new address. She did by certified mail.
> 
> I looked up the address and she has like 5 sex offenders in her neighborhood.
> 
> How should I handle this?


I would say talk to your boys to be very aware of their surroundings.

Is it a sh!tty neighborhood?
Is she near section eight apartments?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

tom67 said:


> I would say talk to your boys to be very aware of their surroundings.
> 
> Is it a sh!tty neighborhood?
> Is she near section eight apartments?



Not shifty just close to downtown and older


----------



## tom67

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Not shifty just close to downtown and older


I would suggest you drive around the area with the boys and point out the bad areas.
You and I know the kids may not.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

tom67 said:


> I would suggest you drive around the area with the boys and point out the bad areas.
> You and I know the kids may not.



Should I print out all the offenders and give to ex wife


----------



## tom67

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Should I print out all the offenders and give to ex wife


I guess just say "just so you are aware"
Leave it at that.

It's more making the kids learn the dos and don'ts like walking in a dark alley or if someone is coming up behind them it might be time to run all the crap I had to tell my d.


----------



## Cynthia

Unfortunately there are sex offenders all over the place. The worse or those who haven't been caught yet and there are more of those than the ones who are registered. I taught my kids about safety and let them know that there are people like that everywhere. I also showed them the map with the sex offenders flagged there. They were surprised and realized I wasn't just being overprotective.


----------



## tom67

Not crazy about kids sticking the radiation stick to their brain (cell phone) but telling mom when they leave and where they are going and with whom is key in your kids case.


----------



## Pluto2

Yes, tell the boys where the offenders are. In this instance, knowledge is power (well that's true in most instances isn't it).

It wouldn't hurt to talk them through exactly what you expect them to do if a situation presents itself-regardless of what that situation is.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Damn it

I saw her today for a few seconds and waves of missing her went through me.

Damn it


----------



## Marc878

Stay cool, calm and collected. Maintain no contact except for the kids and keep that to a bare minimum. Time will fix the rest.

You are still under the illusion of who she really is and some denial.

Make no mistake. You have no future there. 

You still have much to learn grasshopper.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Just found out the ex is now getting fake tits. Give me a break when does the insanity stop


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Just found out the ex is now getting fake tits. Give me a break when does the insanity stop



I wasn't snooping I was told


----------



## Marc878

Never. 

That's why you need to fully move on. 

There was never a true life for you with her. 

You never really knew who she really was. The saying is true. Love is blind.

Your eyesight should be improving at this time, right?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Never.
> 
> That's why you need to fully move on.
> 
> There was never a true life for you with her.
> 
> You never really knew who she really was. The saying is true. Love is blind.
> 
> Your eyesight should be improving at this time, right?


I am floored. I don't know what to say. This is not the woman I married. Every time something like this comes up I'm taken aback.

She spends the money I gave her on tits instead of a home for the boys and her. This is un real. 

I don't know what to say. It's not my problem I am just in shock.

I'm sure her new boyfriend will enjoy them but her kids are going to think she is a freak


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Never.
> 
> That's why you need to fully move on.
> 
> There was never a true life for you with her.
> 
> You never really knew who she really was. The saying is true. Love is blind.
> 
> Your eyesight should be improving at this time, right?


I'm not as far as I thought I was


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I wasn't snooping I was told


Let it be known you are getting a penile enlargement
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Let it be known you are getting a penile enlargement
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't need it!


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I am floored. I don't know what to say. This is not the woman I married. Every time something like this comes up I'm taken aback.
> 
> She spends the money I gave her on tits instead of a home for the boys and her. This is un real.
> 
> I don't know what to say. It's not my problem I am just in shock.
> 
> I'm sure her new boyfriend will enjoy them but her kids are going to think she is a freak


It says a lot about who/what she is. Keep your eyes open wide. You should be learning at this point you aren't losing much here and have the rest of your life to gain. Are you getting this yet????


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> It says a lot about who/what she is. Keep your eyes open wide. You should be learning at this point you aren't losing much here and have the rest of your life to gain. Are you getting this yet????



I certainly am. If she is trying to make me Un attracted to her it's succeeding.

I just can't believe who she has turned into. Tells me her self esteem is through the floor.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I certainly am. If she is trying to make me Un attracted to her it's succeeding.
> 
> I just can't believe who she has turned into. Tells me her self esteem is through the floor.


I got news for you. This was always there. Like most men you didn't notice until it hit you right between the eyes.


----------



## JohnA

The value of the 180 is it keeps her out of your wife. There will be times you will truly miss her. You might want to call her. Accept that this will happen but stay strong via the 180. It is no different then diabetes. Accept the fact of it take steps to prevent it from being a problem.

You will also tigger when you least expect it. I don't mean get annoyed or angry. I mean full blown rage. Have you ever stood of while watching a movie or TV show and say fick this syht loud and clearly? I have and I never have or will say sorry. Instead I walk away and wait to cool down. 

All this is normal and healthy. Just develop coping mechanisms. 

By the way how are you doing on your background check on the OM. Don't let that slide. Your wife works at an extremely toxic place. Many of the people who work there can and will harm her (NYP) and though her your sons. Honestly you should have the same level of concern as a guy with an ex who works at a strip club as a waitress. Your tracking of this is for your info only, not to be shared with her.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> The value of the 180 is it keeps her out of your wife. There will be times you will truly miss her. You might want to call her. Accept that this will happen but stay strong via the 180. It is no different then diabetes. Accept the fact of it take steps to prevent it from being a problem.
> 
> You will also tigger when you least expect it. I don't mean get annoyed or angry. I mean full blown rage. Have you ever stood of while watching a movie or TV show and say fick this syht loud and clearly? I have and I never have or will say sorry. Instead I walk away and wait to cool down.
> 
> All this is normal and healthy. Just develop coping mechanisms.
> 
> By the way how are you doing on your background check on the OM. Don't let that slide. Your wife works at an extremely toxic place. Many of the people who work there can and will harm her (NYP) and though her your sons. Honestly you should have the same level of concern as a guy with an ex who works at a strip club as a waitress. Your tracking of this is for your info only, not to be shared with her.


I'm still working it but the trail has gone cold.


----------



## JohnA

That happens from time to time. Be patient and aware. Gus and @weightlifter might ave good suggestions, try PMing them with the background of the OM and the company they work for


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Damn it
> 
> I saw her today for a few seconds and waves of missing her went through me.
> 
> Damn it


Perfectly normal AND expected ...........you are NOT a robot!


----------



## VeryHurt

Hi NMT4M ~

I was thinking about you and your two sons and I hope your Christmas Day is happy and peaceful.

VH :smile2:


----------



## Pluto2

NMT4M-your ex is just becoming a gross caricature, isn't she. Maybe she's desperate to re-gain her youth and the giant boobs she didn't have back then. Yuck.

Hope you and your men had a fun Christmas. The first is the hardest. It gets better. And you are stronger than you know.


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Just found out the ex is now getting fake tits. Give me a break when does the insanity stop


Who is paying for them boobs ???????


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Damn it
> 
> I saw her today for a few seconds and waves of missing her went through me.
> 
> Damn it


Again Teary, perfectly normal.........don't fret !!!!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

VeryHurt said:


> Who is paying for them boobs ???????


Probably the kids childcare.


----------



## Marc878

Once she gets the new set she'll consist of three boobs.


----------



## VeryHurt

First the tattoo, now the boob job ......... just sayin' Teary.


----------



## Divinely Favored

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Wife started a text battle last night and my dumbass got sucked into it.
> 
> She basically said I was clueless and she didn't have an affair.
> 
> Guys please tell me im not crazy. She left for 3 weeks, went to Florida and Jamaica. It was a big secret from everyone. Even her mother didn't know. She was hiding pics of herself and the other guy. When I busted her where she was she threatened to take me for everything I had.
> 
> I kept wondering why she felt she had the right to be mad at my oldest. She feels she has done nothing wrong. There is no other man and she was not having an affair.
> 
> It really doesn't matter. I don't care. At the very least she still abandoned her kids during a terrible time. If there wasn't another man that makes it even worse. It means she truly didn't care what her kids were going through.
> 
> Its all BS
> 
> I just want her stuff gone


No matter how much you may say the IRS does not exist....the money still disappears from your pay check.


----------



## Openminded

Cheaters obviously tend not to tell the truth. Even when it's there in black-and-white, they lie because it makes them feel better -- or something. Who knows how their little minds think. Or why. 

She wants to spin this and make you the bad guy. She's never going to admit what she did. And it's all a moot point now. Ignore her and be grateful you're done.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> First the tattoo, now the boob job ......... just sayin' Teary.


I know right. She is crazy

Good news. I know its soon but had a date sunday night. Just met over coffee. It was nice to have someone to talk to and that was interested in me.

I guess I wont be lonely after all


----------



## Pluto2

I've been telling you..... Cooks, devoted dad, decent home, you are a prime catch.

But please take this slow. Your wounds are fresh, you haven't reached that detachment nirvana yet, but you're definitely gaining on it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Im going slow. It is really awkward though. Im not very comfortable. Just very new to me.

Its ok though. It was fun


----------



## Dude007

Pluto2 said:


> I've been telling you..... Cooks, devoted dad, decent home, you are a prime catch.
> 
> But please take this slow. Your wounds are fresh, you haven't reached that detachment nirvana yet, but you're definitely gaining on it.



You left off NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT CRAZY is is what makes anyone over the age of 35 a HUGE CATCH!!!!!!!! DUDE


----------



## weightlifter

What state may I ask gives such fast divorces? PM me if you dont want to publish.
I concur with NOT outing her at work. 
Read the threads by BFF and wheyeme. Whyeme was suicidal when he came here. HIDEOUS start with EPIC ending.
Wanting to put logistical dates together is PERFECTLY normal. It brings closure on the "I wasnt crazy she WAS cheating". Beware trying to get into the gritty details. You cannot unlearn them.
>"i have come to the conclusion that I am a bad person. It was not worth it"< Uh guess again.
>Anyway I'm standing in the hall and a nurse comes up to us and asked if we needed anything. I joked and said a pizza. She laughed said she did too. My mom said she looked at me and smiled then looked at my ring hand.

>"My mom said she was interested in me. Kinda made me feel good but I think my mom was crazy.

My mom said she knows what she saw."<

No way to tell. Understand there are female versions of you who were cheated on and scammed whose ideal man involves loyalty and a lack of drama since they have had a lifetime dose of disloyalty and drama.

OM is Afghanistan contracter?? LOL Look up slang "desert queen"

Ive been here a LONG time and had the inside track on stuff not posted publicly. Estimates:
The statistical probability she was not sleeping with him well before the divorce was filed. 3 to 5%
If you want, give me a timeline of events. Im pretty good at figuring it out. Best estimate for first sex is roughly when she got the tat +/- 1 month. You do realize of course that OM likely has/ likes tattoos right? That was her giving her self to him.
>Question: How do i keep her out when im not home? My sons get home from school aprox 45 minutes before i get home. In that time she could come over and they let her in. I have told my sons not to let her in but what if they do?
rottweiler <
Naw. Get one of these.


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~

How are you doing?

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> 
> How are you doing?
> 
> VH


Im good. Got a date with a real nice girl this Saturday. Im so excited. We talk on the phone all the time and she is so sweet.

Update on ex: 
I picked up my youngest sunday. He is so hurt by all of this and cried in my arms last night. Needless to say him witnessing all of his moms kissing faces to the OM on Skype in front of him has taken a toll.

She is absolute garbage and deserves a special place in hell. Never thought I would say that. But the pain in my 10 year olds eyes was enough to make me want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Its a long story but last night he opened up to me about what he has witnessed and what his mom thinks he is too dumb to notice.

She is really going to pay for this with the kids.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

weightlifter said:


> OM is Afghanistan contracter?? .


Yes he has a bunch of tattoes. My youngest has seen him now on her phone. Real piece of work.

She is introducing quite the person to the kids.

I hate to say it but its her grave. Let her dig it.

Stupid b&%^$


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im good. Got a date with a real nice girl this Saturday. Im so excited. We talk on the phone all the time and she is so sweet.
> 
> Update on ex:
> I picked up my youngest sunday. He is so hurt by all of this and cried in my arms last night. Needless to say him witnessing all of his moms kissing faces to the OM on Skype in front of him has taken a toll.
> 
> She is absolute garbage and deserves a special place in hell. Never thought I would say that. But the pain in my 10 year olds eyes was enough to make me want to scream at the top of my lungs.
> 
> Its a long story but last night he opened up to me about what he has witnessed and what his mom thinks he is too dumb to notice.
> 
> She is really going to pay for this with the kids.


Are you serious? 
She does not hide her affection for the OM from your son? 
She is cold, selfish and an idiot.
She is also a fool.

Be cool on your date. 

Not too pushy and obnoxious AND not too aloof.

How did you meet her?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Are you serious?
> She does not hide her affection for the OM from your son?
> She is cold, selfish and an idiot.
> She is also a fool.
> 
> Be cool on your date.
> 
> Not too pushy and obnoxious AND not too aloof.
> 
> How did you meet her?


Match.com

I know corny but allows me to chat with no pressure. 

And yes she is a friggin idiot. I cant wait till she slaps on the fake tits. Boys are really going to respect that.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Are you serious?
> She does not hide her affection for the OM from your son?
> She is cold, selfish and an idiot.
> She is also a fool.
> 
> Be cool on your date.
> 
> Not too pushy and obnoxious AND not too aloof.
> 
> How did you meet her?


We talked on the phone all weekend. It was so great to talk to a female again. I was all smiles all weekend.

Im going to be real nervous on this date. 

She is a great girl.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> We talked on the phone all weekend. It was so great to talk to a female again. I was all smiles all weekend.
> 
> Im going to be real nervous on this date.
> 
> She is a great girl.


You are too cute.
Have fun.'

And don't think of your ex. How much of your history have you shared with GreatGirl?


----------



## thenub

Whatever you do on the date, don't talk about stbx or the divorce. Just have fun


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> You are too cute.
> Have fun.'
> 
> And don't think of your ex. How much of your history have you shared with GreatGirl?



Ive shared some. But no details. She asked me. I have been honest.

We have had some great talks though. I look forward to it every day. 

She has ex issues as well. I guess we all do. That is something I have to get used to. Everyone comes with baggage now.


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Everyone comes with baggage now.


Me and my steam trunk are doing fine. Like everything else-its a process.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

So question for the women.

When you are meeting someone or dating what is the most important?
Looks, charm, sense of humor, job, kind, moral?

What would you rate as the top 3 most important traits?


----------



## turnera

Sense of humor
Honesty
Hard to stress out/calm under pressure


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> Sense of humor
> Honesty
> Hard to stress out/calm under pressure


So a guy who has a great sense of humor and is kind is more attractive than looks?


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So a guy who has a great sense of humor and is kind is more attractive than looks?


:iagree::iagree:
Absolutely.


----------



## 2asdf2

Pluto2 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Absolutely.


Do you mean "relatively"?


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So a guy who has a great sense of humor and is kind is more attractive than looks?


If I were single, I would not care about how attractive a man is. My concern is how well he cares for himself. Is he fit? Does he eat well or live on a diet of junk food? Is he serious about taking care of himself?
It's not about how he looks. It's about what he does with himself.

And what does it matter how a man looks or how he takes care of himself if he has no love in his heart. Not only would he have to take great care of himself; body, soul, and spirit, but he would also need to be kind, loving and have a good character of strong integrity.


----------



## Pluto2

2asdf2 said:


> Do you mean "relatively"?


I'm not sure what you mean?

I only know that, to me, a man who can make me laugh and is a naturally kind soul is infinitely more attractive and appealing than someone with only a superficial attractiveness.


----------



## 2asdf2

There are plenty of ugly people with kindness in their hearts and sense of humor like Seinfeld.

Unless they also have money, they find the going tough.

Don't let my nit-picking comment distract you.


----------



## JohnA

Hi Nomoretears4me,

You are confusing impulse and interest, Impulse is based on looks and your level of loneliness, as in oh my god she's hot and I want to jump her bones. Interest always grows as the interactions increase until a desire for intimacy increases. There is a huge gap between a women you want to hope in the back of the car with and a women you just want to wake up to.

Change the pronouns of my thought above to female and it works out the same. In truth I think the biggest difference between the genders here is a lot of men are more then willing to settle for impulse. There are a lot of women who will not and never engaged in it.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So a guy who has a great sense of humor and is kind is more attractive than looks?


:scratchhead:
You've been reading other threads, right? Haven't you realized yet that women don't want the same things men want? Women traditionally have needed safety and security, being the 'weaker' sex, so all the things I described are correlations of that. Honesty, being able to trust your man, feeling safe to talk to him...that's what those things relate to.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> :scratchhead:
> You've been reading other threads, right? Haven't you realized yet that women don't want the same things men want? Women traditionally have needed safety and security, being the 'weaker' sex, so all the things I described are correlations of that. Honesty, being able to trust your man, feeling safe to talk to him...that's what those things relate to.


So I am very insecure. My ex has done a number on me. I have found that when talking to women I am very funny and can be quiet charming. I am not threatening in any way and women feel safe around me. I am not after a quick lay or one night stands.

Talking to women on the phone has went very well. 

But I am in secure about my looks and age. I have not figured out where I stand yet.


----------



## Pluto2

Unless you are 70 going after 25 yr olds, try not to give his a second thought. 

Is your current lady-interest in your same age group box on most forms? If yes, no worries. If no, why not?


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So I am very insecure. My ex has done a number on me. I have found that when talking to women I am very funny and can be quiet charming. I am not threatening in any way and women feel safe around me. I am not after a quick lay or one night stands.
> 
> Talking to women on the phone has went very well.
> 
> But I am in secure about my looks and age. I have not figured out where I stand yet.


Being insecure about your looks will come across and detract from your ability to communicate. Have confidence in yourself as a man. Natural good looks really are not that important. What is important is that you present yourself well.
That means having a tidy, well-groomed appearance. Make sure you shave or have trimmed your beard. Hair should be recently trimmed as well. Clothes clean and in good condition. They don't have to be new, but they should not look old and faded or scuffed up either. Dress according to your personal style. Don't try to step out into a new style.
Do not worry about looking like George Clooney. Women are not looking for a movie star. They are looking for a good man.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> Unless you are 70 going after 25 yr olds, try not to give his a second thought.
> 
> Is your current lady-interest in your same age group box on most forms? If yes, no worries. If no, why not?


She is about 7 years younger. She has 2 kids, I have 2 kids. We are talking all the time on phone and text. She loves to talk to me. 

I cant wait to talk to her every day. 

However we have not met yet. She lives an hour away and we are seeing each other Saturday. I am trying not to set expectations too high. But I am worried that my ego may take a hit


----------



## Pluto2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> She is about 7 years younger. She has 2 kids, I have 2 kids. We are talking all the time on phone and text. She loves to talk to me.
> 
> I cant wait to talk to her every day.
> 
> However we have not met yet. She lives an hour away and we are seeing each other Saturday. I am trying not to set expectations too high. But I am worried that my ego may take a hit


You sound positively giddy.

Have you exchanged pics?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> You sound positively giddy.
> 
> Have you exchanged pics?


We have. I think my pics may not show what I really look like. She on the other hand is very cute. Love her voice and she sounds like a lot of fun.

She is very grounded and is not after sex either. She is a dedicated mom and she is very honest about that.

At the very least I think I have made a friend. Which makes me very happy.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

When we talk on the phone I am nothing but smiles. It has been so much fun talking to her. A big plus is she is SOOO much smarter than me. Which you guys will know is a definite upgrade.


----------



## turnera

Have you skyped?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> Have you skyped?


No


----------



## turnera

See if you can do that before the weekend. That way, she gets to see you naturally, and you won't be so stressed out when you go to meet her.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> See if you can do that before the weekend. That way, she gets to see you naturally, and you won't be so stressed out when you go to meet her.


Actually I am very comfortable with talking to her. I think our conversations at dinner are going to be great.

I think my problem is I have set my own expectations for the date high. I want her to like me and I want to have fun. Personally I think if I get a second date it will go much better. 

She loves Mexican food so Im taking her to a really good Mexican place in town. Then we will walk around and talk at the local hot spot.

It should be good. But she is going to have to go home soon after we eat. That may be a good thing or bad thing.

Question: Hug or kiss on first date?


----------



## turnera

Go for a kiss unless she's looking uncomfortable. Women love kisses.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

So I was thinking this morning..

My ex is going to get her boobs in early febuary. Most likely that will put her out of work for 2 weeks. I know she doesn't want the boys to know. 

She is going to have to come up with some lie on why she cant get them for her week. Personally I don't have to put up with her lies anymore.

When she does make her excuse on why she cant get the boys I am going to tell her no, I have plans you have no choice but to get them

I will gladly keep the boys but not when she is lying and manipulating again. Let her figure out how to hide them bad boys from her kids. 

Not my damn problem.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

turnera said:


> Go for a kiss unless she's looking uncomfortable. Women love kisses.


Men like em too ya know!


----------



## Marc878

Don't appear over eager, needy, clingy.

Just have fun. I'd give her if she's open a long lingering kiss good night. Something to remember you by. Don't go tonsil deep!!!! Hahahaha

Clothes make the man. Cologne is good but do not overdo it, one hit to the chest and a little on the face and neck. Repeat do not over do it!!!!!!!

Good luck grasshopper


----------



## VeryHurt

What would I look for on a first date? 

Clean teeth
Clean nails
Clean shoes

If a man (or woman) keep those clean, there's a damn good chance everything else is clean !!! :wink2:


----------



## giddiot

And make sure you dont fart, spit, pick your nose, scratch your butt or rearrange yourself.


----------



## farsidejunky

giddiot said:


> And make sure you dont fart, spit, pick your nose, scratch your butt or rearrange yourself.


I don't care what anybody says... Avoiding these is hard!

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## bfree

Hey tears, don't worry about how you look. Be clean, be well groomed, put yourself together as best you can. When I was heavily into the bar scene and picking up women I had a friend who looked like George from Seinfeld if you know who I mean. Short, a little chubby, somewhat balding. He was a tad rude too. This guy could pick up women better than most. The trick is he knew just what to say and how to manipulate and pull them. My point is not that you should do the same. Rather that women are so much more into personality and confidence than looks. And sadly many fell for his charms. His tactics got him laid but nothing more because as soon as the woman realized he was just superficial they were done. You just be the best "you" you can be and you'll be fine.


----------



## Dude007

Stay thirsty my friend....DUDE


----------



## VeryHurt

farsidejunky said:


> I don't care what anybody says... Avoiding these is hard!
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Oh FSJ, nah, it's not hard, it only requires self-control ........ :wink2:


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~

I hope you are enjoying all these "first date" tips from us. :smile2:

It's fun to give this type of advice instead of the same ole' sad sh!t !!

Have fun and about the good night kiss :x just be soft and gentle, she doesn't need a human tongue throat culture !!!

VH


----------



## Absurdist

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> 
> I hope you are enjoying all these "first date" tips from us. :smile2:
> 
> It's fun to give this type of advice instead of the same ole' sad sh!t !!
> 
> Have fun and about the good night kiss :x just be soft and gentle, she doesn't need a human tongue throat culture !!!
> 
> VH



OP - on my first date with my now wife of 40 years, these things happened:

1. I was so nervous, I put my car in drive rather than reverse and dang near ran through the front door of her apartment.

2. We ordered soup for an appetizer. Somehow I got my tie (hey, we wore them back then) in my cup of soup. French onion dripping all over the place.

3. I had to pee real bad at the table. I thought that getting up and going to the men's room would be in bad form so I tried to hold it. Finally had to excuse myself. I was doing such a "I've got to pee dance" so bad, I tripped over the leg of the table and knocked over a tray holding water, ice tea etc. The stuff went everywhere.


I swear you can't make this stuff up.

I was so shook up I didn't dare try to kiss her so she grabs me and kisses me goodnight.  She thought I was adorable.

Two years later we got married...

She still cleans up after me....


----------



## bfree

Absurdist said:


> OP - on my first date with my now wife of 40 years, these things happened:
> 
> 1. I was so nervous, I put my car in drive rather than reverse and dang near ran through the front door of her apartment.
> 
> 2. We ordered soup for an appetizer. Somehow I got my tie (hey, we wore them back then) in my cup of soup. French onion dripping all over the place.
> 
> 3. I had to pee real bad at the table. I thought that getting up and going to the men's room would be in bad form so I tried to hold it. Finally had to excuse myself. I was doing such a "I've got to pee dance" so bad, I tripped over the leg of the table and knocked over a tray holding water, ice tea etc. The stuff went everywhere.
> 
> 
> I swear you can't make this stuff up.
> 
> I was so shook up I didn't dare try to kiss her so she grabs me and kisses me goodnight.  She thought I was adorable.
> 
> Two years later we got married...
> 
> She still cleans up after me....


This might be one of my favorite post ever!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

So yesterday I was getting a hair cut for my dAte. I go to same place meet ex goes too.

At the end I told the girl I was now divorced. She said we all know. I said how? She told me my ex told everyone there.

The only reason I said anything cause my conversation turned to what I was doing. 

So at that point I told them all that my ex was a lying cheating tramp and that i had 2 dates all ready and 2 more set up for the next few weeks. They were taken back. I said the next time that ***** comes in here make sure she knows I'm t sitting at home mourning her trampy ass. Also I hope he enjoys the fake tits.

I wasn't angry it felt good not to keep her dirty little secret.


----------



## bfree

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So yesterday I was getting a hair cut for my dAte. I go to same place meet ex goes too.
> 
> At the end I told the girl I was now divorced. She said we all know. I said how? She told me my ex told everyone there.
> 
> The only reason I said anything cause my conversation turned to what I was doing.
> 
> So at that point I told them all that my ex was a lying cheating tramp and that i had 2 dates all ready and 2 more set up for the next few weeks. They were taken back. I said the next time that ***** comes in here make sure she knows I'm t sitting at home mourning her trampy ass. Also I hope he enjoys the fake tits.
> 
> I wasn't angry it felt good not to keep her dirty little secret.


I just spit coffee out of my nose...rotflmao


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So yesterday I was getting a hair cut for my dAte. I go to same place meet ex goes too.
> 
> At the end I told the girl I was now divorced. She said we all know. I said how? She told me my ex told everyone there.
> 
> The only reason I said anything cause my conversation turned to what I was doing.
> 
> So at that point I told them all that my ex was a lying cheating tramp and that i had 2 dates all ready and 2 more set up for the next few weeks. They were taken back. I said the next time that ***** comes in here make sure she knows I'm t sitting at home mourning her trampy ass. Also I hope he enjoys the fake tits.
> 
> I wasn't angry it felt good not to keep her dirty little secret.


Over the TOP...You don't need to be dating yet if you still have these types of emotions towards your ex. JMHO DUDE


----------



## Absurdist

Dude007 said:


> Over the TOP...You don't need to be dating yet if you still have these types of emotions towards your ex. JMHO DUDE


I agree completely.

NMT4M - you are a better man than that. Take the high road. Let her take the low road.

I think I said this in another thread... The low road leads to the sewer. The high road leads to a mountain top with a beautiful vista. You will be surprised how well you heal when you travel the high road and let things go... see them for what they are... learn that you are new creation that doesn't need this lowlife petty stuff.


----------



## VeryHurt

I agree with Dude and Absurdist ~

Seems too emotional, too sour grapes, too pathetic and too late to take the words back.

Teary, let it go. 

You don't want to get into a he-said, she-said debate in a beauty parlor !!!


----------



## VeryHurt

Oh, do yourself a favor ........find another establishment to get your hair cut!


----------



## just got it 55

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Actually I am very comfortable with talking to her. I think our conversations at dinner are going to be great.
> 
> I think my problem is I have set my own expectations for the date high. I want her to like me and I want to have fun. Personally I think if I get a second date it will go much better.
> 
> She loves Mexican food so Im taking her to a really good Mexican place in town. Then we will walk around and talk at the local hot spot.
> 
> It should be good. But she is going to have to go home soon after we eat. That may be a good thing or bad thing.
> 
> Question: Hug or kiss on first date?


Do the European thing

55


----------



## just got it 55

giddiot said:


> And make sure you dont fart, spit, pick your nose, scratch your butt or rearrange yourself.


And for God Sake's don't ask her if she wants to go to the dump to shoot rats for your next date.

55


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Over the TOP...You don't need to be dating yet if you still have these types of emotions towards your ex. JMHO DUDE



I was just taken back that she was talking to those woman about our divorce. I felt defensive. I don't regret anything I said. 

I refuse to be made the bad guy and to take her lies anymore. She wants to lie to a bunch of people to protect her reputation and put me in the sewer that's fine. But I don't have to let it go like im the doormat anymore. For too long I let her make a fool of me.

You have it wrong. Im taking my pride back. I am a good man and I will not be slung through the mud to be made out like the loser she divorced.

I made sure those that were interested in the truth got exactly what they asked for. 

I understand letting it go and I understand those people mean nothing to me. She was trying to push me around with her words and I will be damned if I take it anymore. I am not her doormat any longer.

If anyone in that room was offended then F them. I refuse to look weak any longer. I stood up for myself and damnit I was proud of it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I was just taken back that she was talking to those woman about our divorce. I felt defensive. I don't regret anything I said.
> 
> I refuse to be made the bad guy and to take her lies anymore. She wants to lie to a bunch of people to protect her reputation and put me in the sewer that's fine. But I don't have to let it go like im the doormat anymore. For too long I let her make a fool of me.
> 
> You have it wrong. Im taking my pride back. I am a good man and I will not be slung through the mud to be made out like the loser she divorced.
> 
> I made sure those that were interested in the truth got exactly what they asked for.
> 
> I understand letting it go and I understand those people mean nothing to me. She was trying to push me around with her words and I will be damned if I take it anymore. I am not her doormat any longer.
> 
> If anyone in that room was offended then F them. I refuse to look weak any longer. I stood up for myself and damnit I was proud of it.


In fact the very fact that other women have shown me that I am worth something allowed me to defend myself. Allowed me to not be the person she is betraying me as. 

I have every right to defend my self as the moral compass in that dead marriage. She has zero right to try and make me look pathetic.


----------



## bfree

VeryHurt said:


> I agree with Dude and Absurdist ~
> 
> Seems too emotional, too sour grapes, too pathetic and too late to take the words back.
> 
> Teary, let it go.
> 
> You don't want to get into a he-said, she-said debate in a beauty parlor !!!


I disagree. He told the truth. Plus it was damned funny.


----------



## thenub

You didn't do anything wrong. The truth is the truth. If I was in your position and anyone asked, I'd make sure they got the straight truth. 
She made her new reputation, now she can live with it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~

I'd like to explain my previous post to you. 

My thought about you going verbally postal in a salon made me cringe. 

My experience with salons is that it is filled with gossip and people overhear things and the next thing you know, words multiply and get exaggerated and misinterpreted and who knows what happens from there?

Then your ex will return for her next app't and everything will get back to her and blah, blah, blah..... You don't want to air your dirty laundry in public. Who knows if a client who was there is a mom of someone who attends school with your son?

I am happy that you feel stronger and you are standing up for yourself. Getting rid of being a doormat is a tough job, Lord knows I had been one myself for way too long.

Have fun on your date this weekend, it may seem it will be just you and your date BUT there will be dozens of TAM posters 
there in spirit !! :smile2:

VH


----------



## turnera

I disagree. My guess is she will go there one more time, and she'll SEE that they KNOW the truth, she'll be mortified, and never return.


----------



## Pluto2

If she didn't want her dirty laundry aired in a salon, maybe she should have kept her mouth closed.

I see nothing wrong in correcting an incorrect perception created by an ex. He owes her no loyalty. Now if he had gone in to a salon and instantly started up with a "let me tell you what a skank my ex is becoming" that would be different. But here woman said she knew about the divorce from the ex.
I am a fan of the truth.

ETA: but its best to strive for MEH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> 
> I'd like to explain my previous post to you.
> 
> My thought about you going verbally postal in a salon made me cringe.
> 
> My experience with salons is that it is filled with gossip and people overhear things and the next thing you know, words multiply and get exaggerated and misinterpreted and who knows what happens from there?
> 
> Then your ex will return for her next app't and everything will get back to her and blah, blah, blah..... You don't want to air your dirty laundry in public. Who knows if a client who was there is a mom of someone who attends school with your son?
> 
> I am happy that you feel stronger and you are standing up for yourself. Getting rid of being a doormat is a tough job, Lord knows I had been one myself for way too long.
> 
> Have fun on your date this weekend, it may seem it will be just you and your date BUT there will be dozens of TAM posters
> there in spirit !! :smile2:
> 
> VH


Thanks. I know you guys are. I am so excited. Im trying to keep my expectations low and just have fun. We talked again this morning. She calls me most every day. I so enjoy talking to her. 

You guys were right. There is a better life ahead. 

I have got another date with a super cute girl next Friday as well.

Im sorry if I came off harsh in my last replies. I am finding who I am again and im not backing off.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Thanks. I know you guys are. I am so excited. Im trying to keep my expectations low and just have fun. We talked again this morning. She calls me most every day. I so enjoy talking to her.
> 
> You guys were right. There is a better life ahead.
> 
> I have got another date with a super cute girl next Friday as well.
> 
> Im sorry if I came off harsh in my last replies. I am finding who I am again and im not backing off.


Go for the revenge my friend, but stooping to someone else's level will only cause you depression down the road no MATTER how much you think it won't right now. There is no free lunch for being a jackass for her or you in response...DUDE


----------



## VeryHurt

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Thanks. I know you guys are. I am so excited. Im trying to keep my expectations low and just have fun. We talked again this morning. She calls me most every day. I so enjoy talking to her.
> 
> You guys were right. There is a better life ahead.
> 
> I have got another date with a super cute girl next Friday as well.
> 
> Im sorry if I came off harsh in my last replies. I am finding who I am again and im not backing off.


Teary ~
You don't need to apologize. I was harsh too. 
We are all looking out for each other.

I am nervous for you but it's a good nervous. When was the last time you had butterflies in your belly going out on a date? 

It's the best feeling in the world, isn't it? High school jitters !!!

Hey, do you think you can post when your date goes to 
the ladies room? :laugh:

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> You don't need to apologize. I was harsh too.
> We are all looking out for each other.
> 
> I am nervous for you but it's a good nervous. When was the last time you had butterflies in your belly going out on a date?
> 
> It's the best feeling in the world, isn't it? High school jitters !!!
> 
> Hey, do you think you can post when your date goes to
> the ladies room? :laugh:
> 
> VH


I am nervous. But we have talked so much on phone and text I feel we already know each other.

I will try to post an update. 

worst case I will sunday morning.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> Go for the revenge my friend, but stooping to someone else's level will only cause you depression down the road no MATTER how much you think it won't right now. There is no free lunch for being a jackass for her or you in response...DUDE



Gotcha. I am trying not to be bitter. But I sure am happy lately that I have some female attention.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I may have done the wrong thing:

So late sunday my little one came and said "Mom said im riding the bus home here everyday and then she will pick me up" 

Now she is supposed to have the boys this week and for the first time she has them both this week. One against his will. Oldest did not want to go.

The above statement crawled all over me. She has had all this time to plan for this and instead of coordinating with me she sends a message through youngest TELLING me what she is doing.

So I messaged her and said no she was not. If she wanted to do that she needed to ask me and not tell me. I had conditions for that to happen. 

I would not want her picking them up when I was not there and I should be able to spend some time with them if I wanted when I got home. My job is not to make her life easier.

I will not allow her to manipulate me any longer. She knew that sending my youngest to tell me that was wrong and I would not be able to tell him no.

So she said she would make other plans. Them coming to my house would be easier on her but I believe harder on the boys since they would be going back and forth even more. She does not think of them ever though. Its all about what is easier on her. 

It may have been wrong but I wont let her take me for granted and use me any longer. The boys understand how I feel. I told them it had nothing to do with them and I would be glad for them to do that but I would want to see them for a short period when I got home. They understood and youngest did not like being in the middle again. I told him its her problem to figure this out and she should have don't that earlier or at the least asked me instead of telling me what she was going to do.


----------



## Pluto2

I don't think you did the wrong thing. At this point it is all about boundaries, and enforcing them. It take a while for both parties to unlearn behaviors (and here I'm talking about her unwillingness to directly communicate).

Part of the problem is that you can't control her attempts to use the boys as go-betweens. The best thing you can do is to help your youngest stick up for himself with her and say "I can't be a messenger. If you want Dad to know something-you better tell him. I can't stand to be in the middle." I know your instinct is to protect him. But you simply can't in this instance, so give him the tools, and some practice, to protect himself.


----------



## turnera

Document it in the journal you're keeping of her activities.


----------



## Cynthia

What do you think you did wrong?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> What do you think you did wrong?


I should have let them come over. I should not have made it personal. But it was disrespectful of her and typical how she has treated me. So I did what I did.

But I worry that the boys suffer because of my reaction. I don't think they are. I explained to them why I did what I did.


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I should have let them come over. I should not have made it personal. But it was disrespectful of her and typical how she has treated me. So I did what I did.
> 
> But I worry that the boys suffer because of my reaction. I don't think they are. I explained to them why I did what I did.


It seems that you think you did wrong because it was uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard and uncomfortable. I think you did fine. Setting a boundary can be uncomfortable, but setting them will help avoid ongoing problems. In other words, it is uncomfortable initially, but will make things better in the long run. 

Explaining it to your children is necessary for them to be able to process and understand what is going on and will help them learn to set healthy boundaries as well. Someone said that it would be good to teach your children how to respond when their mother tries to put them in the middle by having him say, "You should talk to Dad about that, rather than me." or "That's putting me in the middle, please talk to Dad about that."


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Something I don't like and don't know how to handle

So I have a date with one girl and it went great. We are going out again this Saturday.

I have another date tonight with a completely different girl. 

I don't think I like this. It feels wrong but it just kind of happened that way. I didn't expect to get a date with the second one.

I feel like im cheating or not being honest or something. Tell me if I am wrong.


----------



## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I feel like im cheating or not being honest or something. Tell me if I am wrong.


You haven't fully grieved your failed marriage, you will feel like somethings "off" forever if you continue to date and distract yourself from the mourning/grieving. DUDE


----------



## 2asdf2

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Something I don't like and don't know how to handle
> 
> So I have a date with one girl and it went great. We are going out again this Saturday.
> 
> I have another date tonight with a completely different girl.
> 
> I don't think I like this. It feels wrong but it just kind of happened that way. I didn't expect to get a date with the second one.
> 
> *I feel like im cheating or not being honest or something. Tell me if I am wrong.*


You are wrong.

You are dating. 

Not dating exclusively.


----------



## Cynthia

If you are going to date, there is nothing wrong with dating as many women as you'd like. As long as you are not giving them a false picture where they think they are the only one or you are sexual with them.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Something I don't like and don't know how to handle
> 
> So I have a date with one girl and it went great. We are going out again this Saturday.
> 
> I have another date tonight with a completely different girl.
> 
> I don't think I like this. It feels wrong but it just kind of happened that way. I didn't expect to get a date with the second one.
> 
> I feel like im cheating or not being honest or something. Tell me if I am wrong.


As a woman, I would have no problem whatsoever with you dating more than one woman at a time until you start feeling like you want to get serious with one of them. What I WOULD have a problem with, however, is you doing it and not telling me the truth. We're all adults. Of course you'll date more than one person. Just be a man about it and don't lie or 'omit the truth.' That makes you untrustworthy, and one of most women's top Emotional Needs (for safety/security reasons) is honesty.


----------



## Marc878

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So yesterday I was getting a hair cut for my dAte. I go to same place meet ex goes too.
> 
> At the end I told the girl I was now divorced. She said we all know. I said how? She told me my ex told everyone there.
> 
> The only reason I said anything cause my conversation turned to what I was doing.
> 
> So at that point I told them all that my ex was a lying cheating tramp and that i had 2 dates all ready and 2 more set up for the next few weeks. They were taken back. I said the next time that ***** comes in here make sure she knows I'm t sitting at home mourning her trampy ass. Also I hope he enjoys the fake tits.
> 
> I wasn't angry it felt good not to keep her dirty little secret.


You should have politely asked if she had told them about the sexual affair with OM that ended he marriage?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok update on tonight's date. This was a different girl. Date has been planned for weeks and predates the last date Saturday .

So I am meeting her at a restaurant and I arrive early. She is already there. I did not recognize her. This girl was gorgeous.

Her picture did not do her justice. She was very sweet and we had a great dinner. I kept thinking well I'm gonna have fun cause I'm never gonna see her again.

We talked and I made her laugh. I was pretty relaxed cause there was no expectations on my end.

We parted and I gave her a hug.

As I was driving home I was in a good mood. I was out and had dinner with a pretty woman. What more could I ask for.

She texted me later and wants to go out again. Said I was funny and charming and had fun. I was floored. Trust me when I say this , she is out of my league. Not even in the same ballpark.

So Friday we are going out again. It can't be this easy right?

Well I look forward to seeing her again.


----------



## turnera

Do you know what "gorgeous" equals to, to a woman?

relaxed
fun
honest
smiles
laid back
funny
interesting
listens

And maybe, down the list at maybe 10 or 15 of what constitutes 'gorgeous' to us when we describe a guy...looks.

Try to remember that. We may look at hot guys, we may want to go out with Brad Pitt, but if we start speaking to him and he's looking at himself in the mirror, or talking about how great he is, or bragging, as the minutes tick by, the uglier and uglier he becomes.


----------



## farsidejunky

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok update on tonight's date. This was a different girl. Date has been planned for weeks and predates the last date Saturday .
> 
> So I am meeting her at a restaurant and I arrive early. She is already there. I did not recognize her. This girl was gorgeous.
> 
> Her picture did not do her justice. She was very sweet and we had a great dinner. I kept thinking well I'm gonna have fun cause I'm never gonna see her again.
> 
> We talked and I made her laugh. I was pretty relaxed cause there was no expectations on my end.
> 
> We parted and I gave her a hug.
> 
> As I was driving home I was in a good mood. I was out and had dinner with a pretty woman. What more could I ask for.
> 
> She texted me later and wants to go out again. Said I was funny and charming and had fun. I was floored. Trust me when I say this , she is out of my league. Not even in the same ballpark.
> 
> So Friday we are going out again. It can't be this easy right?
> 
> Well I look forward to seeing her again.


Whatever you do, don't treat her like she is out of your league. 

Also, make sure you don't get captivated by her beauty and overlook crazy. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

farsidejunky said:


> Whatever you do, don't treat her like she is out of your league.
> 
> Also, make sure you don't get captivated by her beauty and overlook crazy.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


So far she checks out. But crazy is deep. Might take a while to get to that. I have thought of that though.


----------



## bfree

You know what she's probably thinking? Damned this guy is a catch. I hope I don't blow it.

You think she's out of your league. She thinks you might be out of her league. She called you remember. She's into you. Just be yourself and see where it leads.


----------



## turnera

My DD25 is beautiful. Used to model. She used to complain all the time because none of the guys she wanted to ask her out would ever come up to her. THEY all thought she was out of their league. Couldn't have been farther from the truth.


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~
No one is out of any one's league.
I have always hated that expression. It actually gets me upset! 
You are you. 
She is who she is.
Sorry folks, this is a sore subject for VH !!


----------



## Cynthia

The beautiful women that I know do not want to be defined by their external beauty. When they meet a man, they don't mind him appreciating her physical beauty, but they don't want him staring or being so consumed by it that they can't focus on getting to know her as a person and enjoying her company. Beauty really is only skin deep. Find out what is beneath that gorgeous exterior and be real with her. If she is genuine and relationship material, then seek relationship and stop thinking in terms of "out of my league." Putting her on a pedestal is unhealthy and doesn't make for a good relationship. Most likely she will find it annoying. And do not ever tell her that you think she is out of your league, because suddenly she will be.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Teary ~
> No one is out of any one's league.
> I have always hated that expression. It actually gets me upset!
> You are you.
> She is who she is.
> Sorry folks, this is a sore subject for VH !!


I was myself and we had fun. I did tell her she was very pretty and I left it at that. 

But I have to know my limitations. She said I was very charming and funny and I was just happy to spend time with her. 

So far any really attractive woman I have asked out has turned me down. So I cant help but to feel that way.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> The beautiful women that I know do not want to be defined by their external beauty. When they meet a man, they don't mind him appreciating her physical beauty, but they don't want him staring or being so consumed by it that they can't focus on getting to know her as a person and enjoying her company. Beauty really is only skin deep. Find out what is beneath that gorgeous exterior and be real with her. If she is genuine and relationship material, then seek relationship and stop thinking in terms of "out of my league." Putting her on a pedestal is unhealthy and doesn't make for a good relationship. Most likely she will find it annoying. And do not ever tell her that you think she is out of your league, because suddenly she will be.


Yes I got ya. I still need to get to know her better. So far I like what I hear but she may be hiding something. 

My ex was pretty and that got me nowhere so...

But I cant help being attracted to her appearance. 

Im having fun right now. I was just happy to spend time with her. She was very shy and I worked hard to get her to talk and she did lighten up. It was a good experience for me. I was very calm and wasn't nervous at all. 

I was just shocked she wanted to go out again.

I think she was shocked I didn't make a move and try to kiss her or anything. A hug was plenty for me on first date.


----------



## turnera

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So far any really attractive woman I have asked out has turned me down. So I cant help but to feel that way.


If a beautiful woman turns you down, it's probably for one of two reasons: 
Either she's egocentric and full of herself (and you are dodging a bullet by her turning you down)

or 

She senses that you have no self confidence and that is not attractive.


----------



## Cynthia

Why were you shocked that she wanted to go out again?

It's okay that you find her physically attractive. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Only that there is more to her than a pretty face. You seem to be saying that because she is so pretty that she wouldn't be into you and that you put her on a pedestal by thinking she is somehow above you, which is what "out of my league" means. It means someone is above you. She may be better looking than you, but we don't know that. Even if she is, that doesn't really matter. As long as you are attracted to her and the attraction is mutual.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> Why were you shocked that she wanted to go out again?
> 
> It's okay that you find her physically attractive. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Only that there is more to her than a pretty face. You seem to be saying that because she is so pretty that she wouldn't be into you and that you put her on a pedestal by thinking she is somehow above you, which is what "out of my league" means. It means someone is above you. She may be better looking than you, but we don't know that. Even if she is, that doesn't really matter. As long as you are attracted to her and the attraction is mutual.


I don't know.. I cant explain how I feel that way I just do. Did I put her on a pedestal? A little. She was very attractive. Is she a better person than me? I have no idea right now.

If its true that looks don't matter then that is something I need to learn and I am. Not something I can assume to be true.

I had fun that was all that mattered. It was a pleasant surprise that she was so attractive. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so but maybe a little. I was prepared to have fun regardless of how she looked. She was also very soft spoken, polite, sweet, and nervous. All of those things I found attractive as well. The rest will come with time.


----------



## turnera

> If you're anything like me, you've had your fair share of strike-outs with women.
> 
> I mean, let's face it -- you can't win them all!
> 
> But when you do get rejected, a lot of guys will often think...
> 
> "She must not have been attracted to me. I must be UGLY!"
> 
> Don't fret, that's a common insecurity that everyone (women and men) share. We're always on edge, wondering if we're good looking enough to get the women that we like.
> 
> Well, don't worry, because I've got a secret I'm going to share with you.
> 
> Ready?
> 
> Here it comes...
> 
> Looks Aren't That Important!!!
> 
> Notice I didn't say looks AREN'T important. I said looks aren't THAT important.
> 
> There's a difference.
> 
> Looks are important to an extent, but not as important as you may think. Most women have a lot of leeway in what they find attractive in a man, and this can be used to your advantage.
> 
> Many guys think girls look at men the way men look at women. When a man looks at a woman, he judges whether or not he's attracted to her based on her looks. If she's overweight, has the wrong hair color, if her breasts are too small, if her nose is too big... whatever it may be, the man may dismiss her completely, regardless of whether or not she's a really great girl.
> 
> Because men look at women that way, it's natural for men to assume that's how women appraise us.
> 
> This belief is both true, but at the same time misleading.
> 
> Women do take looks into account, but in the overall scheme of things, to women, looks play a smaller role in deciding whether they'll sleep with you than it does when it comes to men deciding if they'll sleep with a woman.
> 
> Let me give you an example from my life for instance. I used to date a girl I was madly in love with. But because I was slightly overweight, I was always depressed, feeling I didn't deserve a girl like her. This bad attitude of mine eventually ended up driving her away.
> 
> But we stayed friends, and as time went on, she met another guy that she fell in love with. Eventually, I went to visit her and met her new beau, and to my surprise, I discovered this guy was 10x fatter than I ever was! Seriously, he had a good 100 pounds on me.
> 
> The difference was, even though he was fatter and not as good looking as I was, he didn't care. He allowed his good traits to shine, whereas I allowed myself to dwell on my bad qualities. And this great girl that I had in my life was attracted to those great qualities and easily overlooked his shortcomings in the looks department.
> 
> Remember that women are emotional creatures by nature. They are more in-tune with how they feel and therefore more susceptible to their emotions.
> 
> What does this mean?
> 
> That women may immediately be attracted to a good looking guy because he makes her FEEL GOOD right away. But if that same good looking guy is mean, or dumb, or turns her off in other ways and makes her feel bad feelings, she may decide she really isn't attracted to him at all.
> 
> Also, factor in that not all women are attracted to the same type of guy. Just like all men aren't attracted to the same type of women. Some women may prefer short men, or men with long hair, or fat men, etc.
> 
> It comes down to this: You don't know WHAT physical type a woman is going to be attracted to. So approach her anyway and find out if you're the one.
> 
> If you're wondering just how, exactly, you can approach a woman, be sure to check out my book The Art Of Approaching. In it, I give easy to follow strategies on how to meet any woman, any time, anywhere -- and you don't need to be male-model-good-looking for it to work! To check out my book click below now:


Do Women Care What a Guy Looks Like?

More:
http://www.livescience.com/7483-beautiful-women-marry-attractive-men.html
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/qualities-women-look-for-in-a-man.html


----------



## turnera

> Women in research studies reported that a man's looks (i.e. his handsome characteristics) are low on their list of desired traits. There are many other male characteristics more important to women. The most desired male characteristics relate to a woman's safety and survival. Every woman wants someone who will make a safe and good life for her and her children.
> 
> Many women today can take care of themselves and can afford to be very picky in selecting a male mate. In most Western countries today the men must work hard at courting a woman to be considered seriously as a possible mate. Here are the things women consider most important in men:
> (Below results are from a long-term, cross-cultural, international study of women's desires in men for a mate.)
> 
> Current Resources and Economic Capacity. Women look for how much territory, tools, and resources a man commands and how willingly he is to share them with her and her offspring.
> Love and Commitment. In most Western cultures, this usually means that he is willing to give his full attention and share all his resources unselfishly with his mate and offspring. Also implied is the man's promise of future fidelity and continued protection and shared resources.
> Sense of Humor. Research also shows that a man's good sense of humor is favored highly by women. Humor develops camaraderie and enlivens the relationship better than any other single characteristic. Good humor also signals good intelligence.
> Even after the childbearing years are over, men and women don't change their preferences much for a mate. Usually for men at any age, their preferences are for a woman who is young, good looking, and sexy. That is what worked in ancient times for men to make the most healthy offspring.


A man's looks are not as important to women as his humor and generosity.


----------



## just got it 55

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Yes I got ya. I still need to get to know her better. So far I like what I hear but she may be hiding something.
> 
> My ex was pretty and that got me nowhere so...
> 
> But I cant help being attracted to her appearance.
> 
> *Im having fun right now. I was just happy to spend time with her. She was very shy and I worked hard to get her to talk and she did lighten up. It was a good experience for me. I was very calm and wasn't nervous at all. *
> 
> I was just shocked she wanted to go out again.
> 
> I think she was shocked I didn't make a move and try to kiss her or anything. A hug was plenty for me on first date.


NMT Here is your success right there Women want to know you are interested in them for all sorts of reasons .Most particularly their thoughts.

Keep having fun and listen you will be amazed at your success

Not having expectations is the best way to have fun and be relaxed

It just looks cool!!

55


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I don't know.. I cant explain how I feel that way I just do. Did I put her on a pedestal? A little. She was very attractive. Is she a better person than me? I have no idea right now.
> 
> If its true that looks don't matter then that is something I need to learn and I am. Not something I can assume to be true.
> 
> I had fun that was all that mattered. It was a pleasant surprise that she was so attractive. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so but maybe a little. I was prepared to have fun regardless of how she looked. She was also very soft spoken, polite, sweet, and nervous. All of those things I found attractive as well. The rest will come with time.


Looks play a role. They shouldn't be the main course, but they do matter. At least they do matter to me and most other people that I know of.

It does not make you shallow to be pleasantly surprised that she is attractive. Not at all. Putting her on a pedestal due to that attractiveness isn't shallow either. It's counterproductive to relationship, which is not the same as shallow.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Singing in the morning. ... I forgot how good that was.


----------



## Marc878

You've been told this over and over. 

You get it now, right?

Always be yourself no matter what. 

Finally, stop with anything to do with xWW.

You future life is what matters now. She is the lawn furniture drying out back on the patio.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> You've been told this over and over.
> 
> You get it now, right?
> 
> Always be yourself no matter what.
> 
> Finally, stop with anything to do with xWW.
> 
> You future life is what matters now. She is the lawn furniture drying out back on the patio.


I remember who I was now. Have not felt good in a long time.


----------



## Marc878

You know the real problem you had?

For years you did not know how bad you had it.

At some point you need to send the XWW a thank you letter for leaving.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> You know the real problem you had?
> 
> For years you did not know how bad you had it.
> 
> At some point you need to send the XWW a thank you letter for leaving.


That's what I said. But I said kiss her on the mouth. Problem is I don't know whats been in it. HA

But yeah I thought of sending her a thank you card.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Need advice again

So I wrote the January cs/ss check on the 1st. Its the 25th and the ex still has not cashed it. This is her attempt to break me by cashing them all at one time. 

Do I have any recourse in this? How should I handle this?


----------



## turnera

Uh...just keep watching the balance in your checking account go up until she does? Can you not control your spending? If not, then open a second account and put ONLY the cs/ss money in there and send checks from it.


----------



## Marc878

turnera said:


> Uh...just keep watching the balance in your checking account go up until she does? Can you not control your spending? If not, then open a second account and put ONLY the cs/ss money in there and send checks from it.


Separate account.

Excellent idea. She's the type who will press charges against you first chance she gets. 

I'd also keep track of how much I was keeping the kids. You can use that later as evidence if you're way over 50/50. She needs to fullfill her share. No More Mr Nice Guy!!!!!!


----------



## JohnA

Whoa, big red flag. CAN YOU PROVE SHE RECIEVED THE CHECK ? 

You need to duscuss with your attorney the implication of her claiming you are a dead beat. You can be damaged in every aspect of your life by this.


Send both an email and text to her stating you have just received your checking stateent and discovered that check # made out on date to her from cs/cc and given to her on date as not been cashed. Inquire if it is an oversight on her part or if a new check needs to be issued. Do both to create a paper trail. 

Also inquire if she would allow a direct deposit into her account in lieu of a check. 

Do not underestimate how huge of an issue this may be. People go to jail for this. People reputations are damaged with term "dead beat dad" hung around their necks. Custody issues are raised and changed. 


Don't say but I gave her the check if you can't prove it.


----------



## Marc878

JohnA said:


> Whoa, big red flag. CAN YOU PROVE SHE RECIEVED THE CHECK ?
> 
> You need to duscuss with your attorney the implication of her claiming you are a dead beat. You can be damaged in every aspect of your life by this.
> 
> 
> Send both an email and text to her stating you have just received your checking stateent and discovered that check # made out on date to her from cs/cc and given to her on date as not been cashed. Inquire if it is an oversight on her part or if a new check needs to be issued. Do both to create a paper trail.
> 
> Also inquire if she would allow a direct deposit into her account in lieu of a check.
> 
> Do not underestimate how huge of an issue this may be. People go to jail for this. People reputations are damaged with term "dead beat dad" hung around their necks. Custody issues are raised and changed.
> 
> 
> Don't say but I gave her the check if you can't prove it.


Excellent advice! She can garnish your wages probably affect your credit, etc.


----------



## farsidejunky

A check register. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

From now on, send all checks via certified mail, return receipt requested. Always send them on the same day of the month, when possible. Save all the receipts. At this point, send her a letter (also certified mail, returned receipt requested) asking her to cash the checks. You could also tell her that you will be issuing a stop on all the checks by a certain date and will reissue one check if you do not hear back from her on this matter or if she does not cash the checks. Keep copies of all correspondence. If you do end up having to stop payment on the checks and reissue one single check, make sure you also send a letter with that explaining what has happened and that you expect her to cash the check. Every communication with her should be in writing, with proof, if possible.

In the meantime, this should not break you, if you are keeping track of the balance in your checking account. I always write every single item in my check register.


----------



## JohnA

Truth is she could have forgotten to deposit it. Truth is she could have honestly thought she had deposited it. 

But the biggest truth is you can never trust her period. Every action or inaction on her part must be examined for a hidden agenda. Try to get direct deposit. Falling that use registrator mail. Do not let another day pass without resolving this issue. She could be filling a complaint as we speak.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I do keep track of money. So Im not going to be broke. Yes I have the fear of her saying I never paid her or paid her very late.

I like the certified letter approach. I think I will do that. Eventually get another checking account just for that.

She demanded direct deposit from me so Im not doing that on purpose. I refuse to let her boss me around. That's probably why she is doing this.


----------



## ihatethis

In my state, they require that the state be paid the child support, and then they pay it out to the parent. It avoids all of this BS.


----------



## turnera

Maybe you could set up something with the bank or some other institution where you provide the money and they are responsible for providing her the money; your hands are washed of it. Doing certified every single month is going to get old fast.


----------



## Corpuswife

I understand about not being bossed around by her. 

But really, a direct deposit would be a good idea for you. Traceable; view-able online etc. Plus, it's easier than doing the certified thing every month.

Up to you but I like the idea.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Corpuswife said:


> I understand about not being bossed around by her.
> 
> But really, a direct deposit would be a good idea for you. Traceable; view-able online etc. Plus, it's easier than doing the certified thing every month.
> 
> Up to you but I like the idea.


I think I will eventually. Not doing It now is childish of me. But hey I have to set some boundaries. I have already told her that asking me such things instead of demanding will get her much further. 

She hears me say that and ignores it. So as long as she treats me like garbage I will continue to do so with her.


----------



## turnera

Well, then, go for the certified - if she wants the money, she has to physically sign for it.


----------



## bfree

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think I will eventually. Not doing It now is childish of me. But hey I have to set some boundaries. I have already told her that asking me such things instead of demanding will get her much further.
> 
> She hears me say that and ignores it. So as long as she treats me like garbage I will continue to do so with her.


Most banks have online bill pay. You can pay companies or people. You can set it up so that the bank automatically sends her a bank check on a specified date every month. If you need proof of payment all you need to do is print out the bank transaction.


----------



## Cynthia

bfree said:


> Most banks have online bill pay. You can pay companies or people. You can set it up so that the bank automatically sends her a bank check on a specified date every month. If you need proof of payment all you need to do is print out the bank transaction.


I didn't know that. This is much better than my certified mail suggestion.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Just wanted to give an update:

Still doing well. Me and my girl are having a ton of fun. (Dare I say girlfriend) I find myself counting the minutes till we are together again. 
Ex is still a whackadoo but it only affects my kids now. I have no thoughts of her.

If anyone still reads this enormous thread I hope my "hopeless" situation gives inspiration. Life is good, I still have plenty of it left and I will not waste any of it anymore.

Am I 100% healed? No and I never will be. Some scars do not fade. Have I learned from them? Absolutely. 

Future.... I don't know. I still want the same things in life and I still have plenty of time to get them. I will not make the same mistakes again. 

Health... I have been working out about 4 times a week and I feel great and starting to look better. 

Advice... If I could give any advice from what I have learned it would be this. Life can sometimes suck big time. But it can also be very wonderful. If not for the bad times we would not appreciate the good. I have done my time in the hole and I don't want to go back. I like it up here.

So if your reading my thread and you have got this far I hope you have a smile on your face. I hope you realize that it does get better. I like so many before me thought that was not true. I thought life was over. I thought I had nothing to live for. Its not true. I wasn't for me and its not for you either. BUT! you have to chose to be happy. You have to force yourself to get back out there and live again. What are you waiting for?


----------



## bfree

Amen!


----------



## Cynthia

@NoMoreTears4me
How did you get the support issue resolved with her not cashing your checks?


----------



## Pluto2

I am thrilled you find yourself in a good place now. 

Not wishing to be the voice of doom, I will caution you to take it really, really, slow. The serving of divorce papers was not even a year ago. You need to take time for you, and mostly I think you have. I just want you to be aware that there is a roller-coaster in your heart. As you maneuver through your present relationship, don't deny your recovery.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> I am thrilled you find yourself in a good place now.
> 
> Not wishing to be the voice of doom, I will caution you to take it really, really, slow. The serving of divorce papers was not even a year ago. You need to take time for you, and mostly I think you have. I just want you to be aware that there is a roller-coaster in your heart. As you maneuver through your present relationship, don't deny your recovery.


Im trying. Its hard when you haven't been loved in so long. Im not in a hurry and part of me is. 

My biggest thing im dealing with is the hate for my ex. It comes and goes. Not near as often. But sometimes when the boys tell me some crap she does to them. I get very hateful

Other than that I am happy where I am. Im glad we are divorced. The woman I am with is amazing and truly a gift from god.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> @NoMoreTears4me
> How did you get the support issue resolved with her not cashing your checks?


Right now Im sending them certified mail and she has to sign for it.


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Right now Im sending them certified mail and she has to sign for it.


Is she cashing them?
Is there a reason why you decided to go that route rather than having your bank issue the check automatically?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

CynthiaDe said:


> Is she cashing them?
> Is there a reason why you decided to go that route rather than having your bank issue the check automatically?


She is not cashing immediately but is cashing. 

Yes Im sending checks because she demanded I auto deposit.

I don't take demands from her.


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> She is not cashing immediately but is cashing.
> 
> Yes Im sending checks because she demanded I auto deposit.
> 
> I don't take demands from her.


I remember you said that, but someone mentioned earlier that you can have your bank do automatic bill pay where the bank issues the check for you. Then you have a record of it with the bank that they issued a check to her. That way you don't have to go to the trouble of mailing it certified. The bank handles it all for you and you have a record as well. It just sounds much easier to me if you want to send a check and have a record of it.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

For the past few weeks I have been overcome with anger towards my ex. It has come back in a big wave. 

Not sure why but I think its because I have had to be around her and it drives me crazy.


----------



## JohnA

Triggers. They will always be three. You have several choices on how to handke them, Lash out, stew in them, or use them as a tool to push yourself. Just be aware of them and work on controlling the back lash so it does not spill over onto others. 

There is a new poster here, Noc. Here is the thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/312665-possible-am-i-idiot.html

If you can read without triggering I think you can help help. Turns out she was sleeping with a co-worker for close to 11 years.


----------



## VeryHurt

Teary ~
Why do you have to be around her so much?
Just for now or for awhile?
VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

i have to see her at sons baseball games.

i hate her so damn much


----------



## turnera

Sit in separate stands.


----------



## Pluto2

Can you plan to do something physical after the game? Get it out. Its not healthy to keep that kind of strong emotion bottled up. I found a particular kind of zen-like peace hitting things with a hammer (I was working on my house). Now on those rare occasions when I have to communicate with the ex, I'm down to nothing more than rolling my eyes. Just a thought.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> Can you plan to do something physical after the game? Get it out. Its not healthy to keep that kind of strong emotion bottled up. I found a particular kind of zen-like peace hitting things with a hammer (I was working on my house). Now on those rare occasions when I have to communicate with the ex, I'm down to nothing more than rolling my eyes. Just a thought.


The bad thing is I know its not healthy. And if I recognize it that must be bad.

I ran 2 miles yesterday and I still go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week.

Your right I need to destroy something


----------



## VeryHurt

Hi Teary ~

I am wondering if your anger and resentment towards her was stifled because of your euphoria and giddiness over your new social life?

Did you give yourself a chance to release an enormous amount of hurt before Match.com entered your life?

What about mourning your loss whether it be something you wanted or not?

Don't be too hard on yourself. :wink2:

Be Strong !

VH


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Teary ~
> 
> I am wondering if your anger and resentment towards her was stifled because of your euphoria and giddiness over your new social life?
> 
> Did you give yourself a chance to release an enormous amount of hurt before Match.com entered your life?
> 
> What about mourning your loss whether it be something you wanted or not?
> 
> Don't be too hard on yourself. :wink2:
> 
> Be Strong !
> 
> VH


I wonder that too. I know I am better off that she is gone. And I feel like this should have happened years ago

But being screwed over is not something I let go of easy.


----------



## JohnA

Yea, in some ways the wound never heals. Helping others get though the betrayal of a WS does help. Have you read this post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320049-i-dont-know-what-would-right-title.html. If not pop in and add your support. He is so close to WW out of the house (living with parents) son living with him full time to attend HS, and favorable asset split. 

Picture your life home sold, large legal bills, 50/50 asset split, at best 50/50 custody, heavy child support and spousal support. I would like to see more BS achieve what you did. 

Oh, i suspect in a lot of women's mind the custody you got and keeping the house is a plus. It puts you in the "hey she screwed up and a good one actually hit the market".


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

JohnA said:


> Yea, in some ways the wound never heals. Helping others get though the betrayal of a WS does help. Have you read this post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320049-i-dont-know-what-would-right-title.html. If not pop in and add your support. He is so close to WW out of the house (living with parents) son living with him full time to attend HS, and favorable asset split.
> 
> Picture your life home sold, large legal bills, 50/50 asset split, at best 50/50 custody, heavy child support and spousal support. I would like to see more BS achieve what you did.
> 
> Oh, i suspect in a lot of women's mind the custody you got and keeping the house is a plus. It puts you in the "hey she screwed up and a good one actually hit the market".


Your right the wound does not heal completely. I still have days where depression over takes me. But then it gets better and I am glad of where I am. My boys still suffer. I try to make it better but its impossible. They will live this forever. I tried to make that clear to the ex before we separated but she had other agendas.


----------



## turnera

I know it seems that way, but it truly IS all in your hands, how your kids react to it. Your attitude is the make or break of them. Literally. 

Have you ever known 'that person?' That one person who is just...happy? Fulfilled? Optimistic? And NICE? Who makes you feel that when you talk to them, you are the most important person in the world? That's the person we all gravitate toward. Because, well, they just love life. They're grateful for life. They're excited at what they get to DO, to BE, to SHARE, to TEACH. My lifelong goal is to become that person, and I forget sometimes, but I try really hard to be a blessing in people's lives. Because when you walk with them, you walk in peace.

You can be that person for your kids. You can show them that there are a billion ways a life can turn out, and they have total control what they make of them. You can teach them that each day is a joy to behold, EVEN if their parents divorce.

Do some research on positivity. And gratitude. Share that with your kids. I promise you if you pull that off, they'll turn out even better than had they if you had stayed married.


----------



## Cynthia

turnera said:


> I know it seems that way, but it truly IS all in your hands, how your kids react to it. Your attitude is the make or break of them. Literally.
> 
> Have you ever known 'that person?' That one person who is just...happy? Fulfilled? Optimistic? And NICE? Who makes you feel that when you talk to them, you are the most important person in the world? That's the person we all gravitate toward. Because, well, they just love life. They're grateful for life. They're excited at what they get to DO, to BE, to SHARE, to TEACH. My lifelong goal is to become that person, and I forget sometimes, but I try really hard to be a blessing in people's lives. Because when you walk with them, you walk in peace.
> 
> You can be that person for your kids. You can show them that there are a billion ways a life can turn out, and they have total control what they make of them. You can teach them that each day is a joy to behold, EVEN if their parents divorce.
> 
> Do some research on positivity. And gratitude. Share that with your kids. I promise you if you pull that off, they'll turn out even better than had they if you had stayed married.


The other day, I was in a bad mood. I was very unhappy with a certain issue in my life that can loom large. Finally I realized that I was focused on the wrong thing. I began to pray and thank God for the blessings in my life and my focus shifted. I began to feel blessed and happy.
When I look at my life, I am eternally thankful for the wonderful relationships that I have. My heart is filled with love. Even today, was thinking about how we are going to handle Easter dinner, because there are so many people and we are running out of room. Then I realized that it doesn't matter if people are sitting all over he place, rather than all at our table. The house will be full of people and love. That is the best thing ever! We never run out of love. It grows and grows if we let it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

NoMoreTears4me said:


> i have to see her at sons baseball games.
> 
> i hate her so damn much


Baseball? In February?


----------



## Nucking Futs

WorkingOnMe said:


> Baseball? In February?


I don't know how it is where you live but my facebook is loaded with pictures of my friends kids playing baseball or t-ball.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Nucking Futs said:


> I don't know how it is where you live but my facebook is loaded with pictures of my friends kids playing baseball or t-ball.


We have nothing but rain, wind, snow and wrestling this time of year.


----------



## Nucking Futs

WorkingOnMe said:


> We have nothing but rain, wind, snow and wrestling this time of year.


One of the benefits of living in Florida. We get a cumulative total of about 3 weeks of cold weather (cold weather is defined as weather we don't have to run the air conditioning in) but the rest of the winter is fairly pleasant. Summer sucks though.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Update

Well it turns out ex and OM may have broken up. Kids told me about lots of tears and no more constant skypeing and facetime. They told me I didn't ask.

I hope it's painful. I really do. Amazing how karma shows up from time to time


----------



## Marc878

You knew this was bound to happen. She was a free piece of azz. He got bored and moved onto the next one.

The test for you is you know who she really is now so ignore her. If she comes knocking.

For your own good and future.


----------



## ReturntoZero

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Update
> 
> Well it turns out ex and OM may have broken up. Kids told me about lots of tears and no more constant skypeing and facetime. They told me I didn't ask.
> 
> I hope it's painful. I really do. Amazing how karma shows up from time to time


Imagine that.

The perfect relationship with the new soul mate didn't work out.

Who could have ever predicted it?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Guys

Ive been thinking about this all weekend. How should I feel that I found out she was possibly dumped by OM?

Should I be happy that she is hurting like I was?

It does not feel right to feel that way but I did. 

My biggest fear was this person around my kids. He had no issue being with a married woman so he defiantly had no love for my children. I am glad that this person will not be around my kids.

But having said that the rest of my emotions are selfish. I want her to be in pain like I was. I want her to feel rejection like I did. I know that is wrong but I cant help feeling that way.

My next thoughts are what if she tried to come back. I think that is 99% not going to happen but what if it did. I fantasize about slamming the door in her face. I would enjoy that tremendously.

Anyway I am not sure how to process this and was seeking advice... again


----------



## Cynthia

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Guys
> 
> Ive been thinking about this all weekend. How should I feel that I found out she was possibly dumped by OM?
> 
> Should I be happy that she is hurting like I was?
> 
> It does not feel right to feel that way but I did.
> 
> My biggest fear was this person around my kids. He had no issue being with a married woman so he defiantly had no love for my children. I am glad that this person will not be around my kids.
> 
> But having said that the rest of my emotions are selfish. I want her to be in pain like I was. I want her to feel rejection like I did. I know that is wrong but I cant help feeling that way.
> 
> My next thoughts are what if she tried to come back. I think that is 99% not going to happen but what if it did. I fantasize about slamming the door in her face. I would enjoy that tremendously.
> 
> Anyway I am not sure how to process this and was seeking advice... again


What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Dwelling on it and giving it a lot of space in your head will only cause the bitterness to deepen, which is not healthy. Feel your feelings and let them go.


----------



## Marc878

Yep perfectly normal.

If you have a brain in your head don't even have the discussion with her about reconciliation.

It probably would set you back months. If she does ask tell her you've moved on and she needs to do the same.

Anyone that jumps back into a reconciliation with her history and background is doomed for failure.


----------



## Marc878

You'd better think with your head here because your heart will betray you.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Yep perfectly normal.
> 
> If you have a brain in your head don't even have the discussion with her about reconciliation.
> 
> It probably would set you back months. If she does ask tell her you've moved on and she needs to do the same.
> 
> Anyone that jumps back into a reconciliation with her history and background is doomed for failure.


First her pride would never let her admit she was wrong. And second I don't want her back. I see her now for the demon she is.


----------



## Marc878

Ask her if she realizes he was just after a free piece of azz? He's moving on to the next one now. Hahahahaha

She thought he was in lurve????? Geeze


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Marc878 said:


> Ask her if she realizes he was just after a free piece of azz? He's moving on to the next one now. Hahahahaha
> 
> She thought he was in lurve????? Geeze


I have zero physical or verbal contact with her. The sight of her makes me physically ill. She is a vile disgusting piece of garbage that I do not dignify with my presence.

But you are right. She was a piece of azz and she did not realize it. Pretty funny huh


----------



## unbe

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I have zero physical or verbal contact with her. The sight of her makes me physically ill. She is a vile disgusting piece of garbage that I do not dignify with my presence.
> 
> But you are right. She was a piece of azz and she did not realize it. Pretty funny huh


Im nervous for you.....the attempted FAKE r is coming. Stay strong and see through it my friend


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

unbe said:


> Im nervous for you.....the attempted FAKE r is coming. Stay strong and see through it my friend


I could be wrong but I really don't think so. She has bad mouthed me so much it would really look bad for her to take me back.

She is so prideful right now there is no way


----------



## Pluto2

I don't think you are doing badly, but keep working towards the elusive MEH.

If she were your mail carrier and you heard she got dumped, you would likely say-gee, that's too bad-and go about your day. No more than that. Its harder when she's the mother of your kids, but it can be achieved.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Pluto2 said:


> I don't think you are doing badly, but keep working towards the elusive MEH.
> 
> If she were your mail carrier and you heard she got dumped, you would likely say-gee, that's too bad-and go about your day. No more than that. Its harder when she's the mother of your kids, but it can be achieved.



I want to be there so bad. The Meh stage. Some days I am , others not so much. 

However still praying for that stray meteor to find its mark.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Checking in... not sure my story is a big deal anymore. I still read here and am still amazed how similar all the stories are.

Going on a vacation with new girlfriend next week. Cant wait. This will be my first trip away from the kids in like EVER. I have never taken a trip without them. I feel kind of guilty. I did not tell them where I was going.

Things are getting serious with new GF. We spend a lot of time together and have a lot of fun. No there are no talks of moving in or marriage. I don't plan on that for a long time if ever.

Me and her kids get along great and my kids and hers are doing good too. Is this a forever relationship? don't know but I am just having fun and taking it for what it is right now. I am not dating others or even pursing it. I am happy dating one person and that's the way it should be if we are having sex.

I have not spoken to the ex in months. I cut her off and boy is it a big relief that she cant just reach out and mess with me anymore. She has tried but has not been successful.

I had a dream about her the other night. She was wanting me back and I turned away from her. That is a big change from the dreams of 5 or 6 months ago. I guess that's a good thing.

I cant say that I am still not bitter or angry. Its not as bad but sometimes I do get angry at what she put me through. 

Still running 3 or 4 times a week. Bout 3 miles in 25 minutes. Not great but not too bad either. 


Anyway just felt like typing today so there is my update.


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## Herschel

Better than my 20lb overweight ass. I have been doing 2 miles in 20 minutes, but just started back up again. I hate running if I am not playing sports, so, I have a game on my phone, and each one I play takes about 8-10 minutes. I don't even realize I ran for 20 minutes. God I love tricking my brain.

Do some weight training, even just a little on the off days. Great for getting the steam out.


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## turnera

I discovered on the rowing machine at the gym that they have games! My favorite is darts. The speed at which you pull and row changes the direction of the darts, and you try to get bullseyes to get more points. Really makes the time fly.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Guys

Am I losing my mind. My ex still tells my kids that all this is lies on my part. I know she is telling others that what happened didn't and that I am a liar. But now I am being accused of coming home smelling like women during my marriage. This is in no way true and my kids know its not true. It bothers me that this psycho is saying this stuff. She knows damn well what she did and the only people she cant convince is her kids and family. The only people that really matter.

My son got mad and told her he doesn't want to live with her anymore. He is almost 16. I would love for that to happen but do not want to put them through any more of this crap.

I'm just so damn sick and tired of being made out the bad guy. She is a masterful liar and manipulator. I love my life without her crazy ass and I now only hurt for my kids who pick up on the lies and it bothers them as well. I love them more than my own life and I am sick of the crap she is spewing from her mouth.


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## turnera

Talk, talk, talk. To everyone in your life. Tell them what's gone on and continues to go on. Talk to your kids every day, even just a single sentence - maintain the connection. DO ask them if they want to live with you, and make it happen, if so.


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## Cynthia

Thankfully your children and family know the truth. People who matter know the truth.


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## Pluto2

There was a time during our separation that my ex tried lies to make himself feel better. In his twisted mind, he would feel better when I felt worse. Sick isn't it. He denied any infidelity and then in the next breath would say his affairs were my fault. At first, you are shocked and angry and say "how can you stand there and lie like that?" Well, he's a serial cheater so one of things he became very very good at was spewing lies. After I found out what he was up to, the lies merely shifted from attempts to cover his cheating, to attempts to avoid responsibility. Sort of the same song but in a different key.

You need to focus on what and who really matters in your life: your kids, your family, true friends. Do they know the truth? Yep. There's nothing wrong with having a talk with the kids about truth and lashing out, and how scared people in pain tend to lash out at people around them. The hard thing to accept is you can't stop her from lying. The most you can hope for is that one day she will realize that her lies about you will not get her what she wants, and she will stop.

This is the time when living well is the best revenge.


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## cma62

I know this thread is old but after reading it in its entirety, I am wondering how OP is doing?? @NoMoreTears4me....how are you doing in your new life??


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## NoMoreTears4me

Well its been a long time and I decided to login today and view some of my history. Wow 66,961 views of this posting. 

Its been nearly 3 years since the divorce. Lots of updates with me but overall I am doing great. Life is always changing. Sometimes for the better sometimes bad.
I really hope my postings in some way helped someone. If so then my pain was worth it. I am really glad I documented what I went through. It was a tough journey, probably the toughest thing in my life.

But here I am. I'm still kicking. 

Hope everyone is doing good. Thanks to all the people who gave me advice. I wish I had listened to all of it.


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## Marc878

Welcome back. It's been awhile.

I


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## Marc878

How are your boys doing?


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## NoMoreTears4me

Boys are doing good. Oldest lives with me full time. Has so for the last two years. 

I was just thinking about the site and decided to drop in.


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## Marc878

You should be fully detached from the X by now. As you've reflected back like most I suspect you found that is who she really was.


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## irish925

As you've reflected back like most I suspect you found that is who she really was. - I was wondering the same thing, would love to know what the OP thinks/feels about her now


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