# Positives about Divorce Life



## proudwidaddy

As I am roughly two and a half months from officially becoming divorced, what are the positives about divorced life? As I didn't want this divorce, fought tooth and nail to save my marriage, I'm trying to find some positives.

Any help would be appreciated.


----------



## hisfac

6 years out of my marriage.

You don't have to answer to anyone.

You don't have to deal with her moods, or her irrational requests, there's no more fighting, you can do whatever you want with your free time, you can date all the women you want, you can be in relationships or just have casual sex. You can sleep on any side of the bed that you want and you can wake up at midnight and jerk off if you're so inclined, without worrying about waking her up or her questioning you as to why you got up to masturbate in the middle of the night.

That's for starters.


----------



## Lon

yeah, basically what hisfac said. I am minus 2 weeks from divorce (ie the divorce order is in effect in 2 weeks) though have been separated almost a year, but am realizing that it feels good (but strange) to be able to do whatever the F I want. (in actuality, I still do the same things I did before though, guess I'm not utilizing my new found freedom very well).


----------



## hisfac

Lon said:


> yeah, basically what hisfac said. I am minus 2 weeks out of marriage.. I'm not utilizing my new found freedom very well).


Its only been 2 weeks, you're still shellshocked, give yourself a break.. and some time.

I was in a cloud for the first few months.. even though I started online dating almost immediately. It was a distraction, nothing more but turned into a rather effective way to rapidly put my past life behind me.

When you're ready.. consider throwing up a dating profile and start chatting with women and maybe setting up a few brief first meetups. No expectations, just let things happen.


----------



## nice777guy

Less drama.

I'm about a month and a half out. Still working on what I need to do for "me" - and just enjoying the ability to breathe...


----------



## Lon

hisfac said:


> Its only been 2 weeks, you're still shellshocked, give yourself a break.. and some time.
> 
> I was in a cloud for the first few months.. even though I started online dating almost immediately. It was a distraction, nothing more but turned into a rather effective way to rapidly put my past life behind me.
> 
> When you're ready.. consider throwing up a dating profile and start chatting with women and maybe setting up a few brief first meetups. No expectations, just let things happen.


to be clear, I just mean my divorce is official in 2 weeks, I am actually about ten months out. And yes I know what you mean about putting your past life behind you, have already "dated" a little, but I suck at it, was never good the first time thru so I'm trying to learn. Getting first dates seems to be the challenge for me. Or maybe I'm just not ready and am better off not even thinking about women or sex.


----------



## Feelingalone

Hisfac hit the nail on the head proud. You can do what you want, when you want (subject of course to your time with your kids) whether it be exploring new things, improving yourself or not, whatever you d#$n well please.

I know I am.


----------



## mr. blue

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm trying to find some positives.


All your bad habits will disappear.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Hey Proud!
Im seven months past my divorce, 4 months moved out on my own.
Positives:
1) Control of the flow of finances.
2) The grocery list and what ends up in the fridge.
3) there is no longer an entire other schedule I have to be concerned with, when so much of it was bullsh!t.
4) Ive played Xbox for 11 hours straight on my day off last week.
5) Everything I do I do for myself. "I" am my main concern, (not in a selfish or conceited way) but that the burden of living is lessened by the limited parties to be concerned with.
6) Last months electric bill? $66 dollars, in a 3bdr, 2bath, 2story.
7) Freedom. The intent and motive to care and concern myself with my wife when she was my wife, was an action of my love for her, but that is still servitude in a sense, albeit willful. The lack of that extra consideration needing to be taken every day, every minute, is very freeing.
8) When I think of other women, I am excited to know that some of the attributes I wished my ex had, will now be available.... i.e. (welll, nevermind )

9) Thinking back, my exwifes attitude and goals were very counter to any sense of retirement or future security. I am hopeful that I can now follow my plan without negative intervention.

10) I will never EVER have to listen to her put another man whether actor, or musician or whatever, on a pedestal above me, due to his looks, or her teenage sensibiltiies.
11) I will eventually have a sex life, as the last four to five years of my marriage were completely celibate. It was prison and torture at the same time.

12) Theres so much that we hold inside, resentments harbored, questions unanswered, fears of things all while married, that I feel is finally draining away from me, because it doesnt matter anymore. Once I finally get that branded in my mind for good, and pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming, I know I will be a healthier and stronger man.


----------



## WomanScorned

Doing whatever you want is nice. You also have the chance to become the person you are meant to be without having to worry about the other person.


----------



## diwali123

Freedom! Eating hummus and chips for dinner. Not having to answer to another person. Spending money on what you want. Realizing how many things you made yourself like or tolerate that you don't have to do/watch/eat anymore. Sex without baggage, doing what you want!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

diwali123 said:


> Freedom! Eating hummus and chips for dinner. Not having to answer to another person. Spending money on what you want. Realizing how many things you made yourself like or tolerate that you don't have to do/watch/eat anymore. *Sex without baggage*, doing what you want!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is called masturbation. Or maybe its different for women?


----------



## southbound

Lon said:


> to be clear, I just mean my divorce is official in 2 weeks, I am actually about ten months out. And yes I know what you mean about putting your past life behind you, have already "dated" a little, but I suck at it, was never good the first time thru so I'm trying to learn. Getting first dates seems to be the challenge for me. Or maybe I'm just not ready and am better off not even thinking about women or sex.


I'm 18 months from my x, and I didn't want the divorce either. All I can do is emphasis what everyone else has said; you can do what you want to!!! It's wonderful!!!

You asked if you are better off not thinking about women or sex. I don't know your personality. I don't know if you're the type who doesn't want to be alone. Personally, I enjoy it. I would suggest that you don't date just to fill a void or think you "have" to be in a relationship if you are content not being in one.


----------



## proudwidaddy

Well I got the divorce date, Friday May 11th at 10;15am. I'm not sure what I'm going to do after it's final. The last two nights after work I've spent playing a lot of Xbox 360


----------



## nice777guy

Took my kids out of town this weekend. Amazing how much better this feels without my Ex around. So much more relaxing!!!


----------



## angelpixie

Shooboomafoo said:


> Positives:
> 1) Control of the flow of finances.
> 2) The grocery list and what ends up in the fridge.
> 6) Last months electric bill? $66 dollars, in a 3bdr, 2bath, 2story.
> 9) Thinking back, my exwifes attitude and goals were very counter to any sense of retirement or future security. I am hopeful that I can now follow my plan without negative intervention.
> 12) Theres so much that we hold inside, resentments harbored, questions unanswered, fears of things all while married, that I feel is finally draining away from me, because it doesnt matter anymore. Once I finally get that branded in my mind for good, and pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming, I know I will be a healthier and stronger man.


Absolutely! The whole money aspect is a total positive for me, and one of the reasons I am now pushing the D. STBXH is reeelllyyy enjoying the single life, and I'm tired of juggling those extra things on top of the juggling I've done for years. He's all about indulging and spending money, I'm all about getting the same indulgent thing as cheaply as possible, and using the savings for something else, like, oh, a 'rainy day' fund, or retirement, etc.

I also know now that I could not have been able to spend time working on myself if I were still with STBXH -- I wanted to for years, but being in that relationship, where everything revolved around his never-ending drama, it was enough just to get from day to day sometimes.



Shooboomafoo said:


> 3) there is no longer an entire other schedule I have to be concerned with, when so much of it was bullsh!t.
> 
> 7) Freedom. The intent and motive to care and concern myself with my wife when she was my wife, was an action of my love for her, but that is still servitude in a sense, albeit willful. The lack of that extra consideration needing to be taken every day, every minute, is very freeing.



These are actually negatives for me. I can't count how many things I've wanted to go to, like classes, hear a band, etc., but couldn't because I had my son with me that day. Not having the whole family living together, where the other parent lives with me and I can see my child every day, makes it difficult for me to actually schedule things for myself. 

And I do miss having a partner to do things for (in a healthy way, of course). I loved making special homemade soup and bread for STBXH was he was stressed out writing a paper, for instance. I haven't been doing as much cooking as I used to since it's usually only my son and me, and he's still pretty young. I did find one of the old-school crock pots for $1 this weekend at a yard sale, and put it to good use yesterday. Since it's smaller than the 'family' one, the smaller amount of food didn't look as depressing as it did in the huge pot. I made a great homemade meal for the two of us, and it made me feel good to do it, too.


----------



## angelpixie

Oh, and I can be on the computer as much as I want, too. :smthumbup:


----------



## Shooboomafoo

I dropped my daughter off at daycare Friday morning where her mom picks her up that afternoon and keeps her for a week.
Its a sad time for me. I try to keep my chin up and look forward to the break from caretaking, but..... its like giving her over to the mental hospital...

I dont know why I worry, she seems fine with everything..
But I also know that her mom is face down in her new mans lap 24/7, attempting to, without any regard to personal dignity or common sense, validate whatever her new relationship is...

Funny thing is, if you talk to anyone about it, suddenly the issue is about how "I" need to move on and am hanging on...

Its immediately rendered the pitiful hanging on of a jilted lover...

Well, thats not the case my friends. 

I am more worried about the psychotic mode of the environment over at her moms house. Insane woman moving another man in 3 months after daddy moves out? Posting on FB how shes so in love and wants him to always be around and always hold her? Gee, I heard the same things... how little they meant... how little weight they carried..

I will let the "love professors" out there and the self proclaimed marriage counselors out there believe what they want...
I am but a rat trap, ready to spring if that crazy b!tch goes for the cheese.


----------



## hisfac

Shooboomafoo said:


> I am more worried about the psychotic mode of the environment over at her moms house. Insane woman moving another man in 3 months after daddy moves out?


Your ex moving a guy into the home within 3 months of you moving out is not necessarily psychotic or insane, especially if she's known him at least 6 months, which is about how long it takes to really get to know someone.

It might not be the best judgement, it might be confusing and detrimental to the children who are involved, especially if it doesn't work out, and he leaves and they see a virtual parade of guys in and out of the home. It sends the wrong message, it gives the wrong idea about relationships (or maybe the right idea) in that they're transient and usually don't last.. it's not at all healthy for the kids and exposes them to strangers who might even pose a danger.

But it's not psychotic and insane. And there's probably not a damn thing you can do about it.


----------



## southbound

angelpixie said:


> Oh, and I can be on the computer as much as I want, too. :smthumbup:


:iagree:

and I can listen to all the music I want, watch all the tv i want, eat what I want, and the list goes on and on.................


----------



## ScarlettGrace

Shooboomafoo said:


> I will let the "love professors" out there and the self proclaimed marriage counselors out there believe what they want...
> I am but a rat trap, ready to spring if that crazy b!tch goes for the cheese.


Yeah, it sucks. My ex moved 16 hours away a month after the big D. He doesn't pay child support, court ordered allimony, and rarely calls the kids. I suspect this is probably because his new girlfriend has a ready made family with kids right about our kids ages. While I am supporting our kids emotionally, financially, and physically he is making up a whole new life that makes no sense. 

Sigh. We were married for 16 years. I jsut can't believe he would walk away from them. So, I understand. Whenever I would bring up these real and legitimate issues, he would redirect the conversation back to the failed relationship and how I wasn't "over" him. 

Trying now to count my blessings that I don't see or hear from him. . . 

Yay.


----------



## ScarlettGrace

And all these posts here about how awful it is to be married and how much you all seem to be loving single life is making me re-think my former marriage. I have been really arrogant about my role and how well I treated him. I am sure I probably got on his last nerve. Ah well. What is done is done.


----------



## ScarlettGrace

angelpixie said:


> These are actually negatives for me. I can't count how many things I've wanted to go to, like classes, hear a band, etc., but couldn't because I had my son with me that day. Not having the whole family living together, where the other parent lives with me and I can see my child every day, makes it difficult for me to actually schedule things for myself.
> 
> And I do miss having a partner to do things for (in a healthy way, of course). I loved making special homemade soup and bread for STBXH was he was stressed out writing a paper, for instance. I haven't been doing as much cooking as I used to since it's usually only my son and me, and he's still pretty young. I did find one of the old-school crock pots for $1 this weekend at a yard sale, and put it to good use yesterday. Since it's smaller than the 'family' one, the smaller amount of food didn't look as depressing as it did in the huge pot. I made a great homemade meal for the two of us, and it made me feel good to do it, too.


Soooooo feeling you here! I worry all the time because I am all my kids have here. And there are things that I miss about being married that I just don't experience as a newly minted single woman. I go to grad school, and as such, I am surrounded by young people having a college experience/single adulthood I will never expereince because I had my kids at such a young age. And the lack of money makes things super difficult as well. 

However, I do like being in control. I finally get to have a say. It's lovely. And my kids are practically grown, so my hope is that in a few years I will be a renewed woman.


----------



## ScarlettGrace

Another plus: I get to be a total [email protected]! I don't have to cater to his masculine "upper-hand." I am every bit as capable as he is (perhaps more) and I see myself sort of emerging, as i out of a stifling feminine cocoon in to a growna"ss butterfly. I check my own oil, do home-improvements (rather imperfectly, but who cares?), pay my bills (on time), work, take care of the kids, go to grad school full-time, etc. I would like it if life were a little easier (I think), but I never knew I could meet these challenges. I thank God for this.


----------



## angelpixie

I'm so with you Scarlett. It drives me crazy to pay to have an oil change. My dad taught me how to do my own and I'm going to go back to that. And as far as home repairs? I'm much more careful and do a much better job. Most of the power tools are mine, so he borrows them from me to work on the house, LOL. 

Oddly enough, though, I feel more feminine, too. Yesterday, I actually wore an apron - was feeling very Domestic Goddess-y, I guess. It's just amazing how constant anxiety, waiting for the next criticism, judgement, comparison, etc., drains everything out of a person. Breaking out of a cocoon, indeed. A lot of this was already inside of me, and I thought I found someone with whom I could feel really free to be 'myself' for the first time in my life when I met STBXH. I can't believe how that did such a 180 when real life set in. Sometimes, I'll be doing something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I think "Why didn't I do this when I was with him?" and then I remember, "Oh yeah, I didn't BECAUSE I was with him."


----------

