# What EVERY woman should know about men



## iBolt

I just read this on FB today in response to an earlier post addressed to men about women. It particularly struck a chord because these were the things that I was totally unable to communicate to my stbx. Women are so much better at expressing their needs. This absolutely spells it out - 
*
The WIFE THAT EVERY MAN WANTS : *

Tips for Women to Create an Epic Marriage…

Last Sunday, just after my marriage of 16 years ended in divorce, I was up at 1:00am capturing advice I would have given myself if I could go back in time… things I wish I would have known as a husband earlier. I shared my thoughts with my friends on Facebook hoping that maybe out there somewhere, there was one person like me that could benefit from my hard earned lessons and recommit to being the man their wife deserves, before it was too late...

To my surprise, in one week over 71,200 people had ‘shared’ those lessons, and I received countless private messages thanking me for how it had already transformed their marriage.

… and then I also got messages from women who were feeling stuck, not sure what they could do to bring life back into their marriage, and how they could inspire their man to step up.

One woman sent me this message: “A lot of my friends wanted to know after reading your post, Coming from a man’s point of view what would a man want in a marriage?”

I still don’t pretend to be an expert on relationships. I have no intention of being known as one. I am just a normal guy. A guy that screws up sometimes, and is trying to learn as I go, to be a little wiser next time… and a guy who is just trying to listen to the lessons that life provides. What I share is just my opinion and my perspective in being a man, nothing more. My only intention is to serve.

I share my thoughts here only because I feel it needs to be shared, and because I hope that it may bring light to some woman out there who is looking for hope and direction in her relationship right now. 

Here’s the deal. Marriage is a 2-way covenant. A partnership where both husband AND wife hold EQUAL accountability in making it work, and who both need to commit fully to make it THRIVE…. YOU ARE A TEAM. That team works best when both are whole and strong, and share a vision of what you want to create. 

The problem is men are often ignorant as to the real needs of their wife, and MOST WOMEN DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR MAN WANTS, and how to be that WOMAN that will INSPIRE THEIR MAN TO RISE and be that KING that she deserves.

This is what that the TRUE MAN wants from his lady… 

1)	*He wants you to LOVE YOURSELF FULLY FIRST*… Fall in love with who you are and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are amazing, just the way you are. When you realize this you are more confident, and NOTHING is SEXIER to a man than a woman who owns her worth, her brilliance, her beauty. The more you love yourself, the more love you will have to give.

2)	*FILL YOURSELF UP… Stop looking to your man to be the one to ‘make’ you happy. That’s your job, not his.* When you are expecting that from him, it drains him, but when you take accountability and FILL YOURSELF with love and joy, you are like a POWERPLANT with ENERGY and LOVE and PASSION that pours into his life. HE WANTS you to be happy, he just doesn’t want to be blamed when you’re not. Find what makes you happy.

3)	*LOVE YOUR BODY… Look in the mirror and see how amazing and gorgeous you really are.* What a gift that body is. Love every inch… just as it is right now! A woman who loves her body takes care of it. She loves to eat well, and she loves to exercise, not to impress anyone else, but because SHE DESERVES TO BE HEALTHY. You take care of that which you love.

*Stop being so critical about your body.* _You aren’t supposed to look like that model on the cover of the magazine… SHE’S FAKE._ She’s a photoshopped illusion created by a marketing firm with the purpose of making you feel inadequate about yourself. That’s the only way you’ll buy their stuff. Don’t buy into their lie. *Stop comparing yourself with others, your only job is to be the most BEAUTIFUL YOU. Take good care of yourself, and your man will be irresistibly attracted to you.*

4)	GIVE 100% and EXPECT NOTHING in return. If you want a happy marriage you must be willing to PLAY FULL OUT to create it, regardless of where he is at. Take full accountability for your part. *UNMET EXPECTATIONS are the biggest source of unhappiness in marriage, so stop expecting him to be anything but him.* When you give without expectation, just watch and see how much is returned. 

5)	*BE GRATEFUL FOR WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW*… Focus on what you love about him as he is, and try to overlook the rest. When you do this not only does it make you happier, but you will begin to notice more and more of what you love. _You will always find what you are looking for. When you see and acknowledge the greatness in him, it will call forth that part of him who wants to be your king and knight in shining armor._

6)	FORGIVE HIM… Over and over again. Face it, he’s made some stupid mistakes. A lot of them. You know that and he does too. Carrying the weight of those mistakes into the future though, not only will keep you from trusting him, but it will keep him from feeling safe to be fully open with you. *So wherever you have that secret closet inside your mind where you are storing all those mistakes from all those years, you know, the one you go to whenever he messes up again and keep all the evidence and validation of why you should leave… yeah, that one. Destroy it. Burn the evidence and be free once and for all. Learn from the past and LET IT GO. He deserves to be free from the past and so do you. It’s God’s job to judge him, not yours. The faster you forgive the more fully love will flow.*

7)	*NEVER CRITICISE HIM… Compliment him on what he does right, rather than tear him down for what he does wrong. He WANTS TO PLEASE you, when he does something you appreciate let him know. Stroke him on the back of his neck, and tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and he will be eager to do more. If you criticize him, it will only shut him down and make him hide from you and stop trying. (Seriously, men are so easy to train. Positive Reinforcement. Us guys, we’re kinda’ like seals at sea world… give em’ a treat after they do something you want and they’ll keep doing it…. Don’t tell your husband I told you this.)*

8 )	*YOU DON’T OWN HIM*. He is free and was meant to be. If you try to control him, put a leash on him, or cage him, it will take away the very thing that makes him a man- that raw masculine sense of control and independence. *The more you try to force him or restrict him, the more he will yearn to escape. The more inviting you make yourself, the more you let him be free, the more he will want to stay.*

9)	*GIVE HIM MAN TIME*… just like you, he needs time for himself to fill himself up. *The man hungers for adventure, and for challenge and for time to brood in his Man cave.* You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies about war, and superheroes, and spies. You don’t have to understand, just let him have that space to be.

10)	*GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT and choose to CREATE IT… Stop waiting for him to give you what you want, take responsibility for creating it yourself.* - ie. If you want to date more, create it… make it easy for him. Give him a list of 10 ideas of what you like to do together on dates, and schedule a night each week for him to take you out, and then *gently remind him if needed...*

11)	*SPEAK CLEARLY and OPENLY*… He’s NOT a mind-reader. No matter how long you’ve lived together, he still won’t always know what you want. When you are upset, he probably has no idea why. You could be furious with him and he’ll have NO IDEA what he did or said to make you upset. The more clearly you communicate what you want, the more he can give it to you.

12)	*DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING*… don’t jump to conclusions. As intuitive as you are, _you don’t always know what he is thinking or feeling. Your judgements are often filtered through your own limiting beliefs._ Give him the benefit of the doubt, and choose to believe the best. ‘seek first to understand, and then to be understood.’

13)	*RESPECT HIM. While a woman yearns to be deeply understood and cherished, the man’s primary need is to be respected. When you have a problem, his first impulse is to FIX IT. This is how he feels important. While criticism and control are his “anti-love” languages and will cause him to feel dis-respected and to shut down, meaningful acknowledgement will make him feel respected and bring him to life and cause him to stand a little taller and be a little better.*

14)	*ENCOURAGE HIM TO LIVE HIS PURPOSE…* The man is most alive when he is on a quest for something he feels meaningful. It may take him time to discover what that purpose is, but encourage him along the way, and when he finds it, be his greatest cheerleader. 

15)	Ok. Here we go… you knew this was coming… ABOUT *SEX*… for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, it is a core need. It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you. Shut him off, withhold from him, or reject him and it will emasculate him and sever the most important connection to you in his world. 
*
Men and Women seem to be wired opposite with sex.* _While the woman wants emotional connection first to fully open herself up in physical intimacy, the man wants physical connection first to open up emotionally. This is a good recipe for sexual frustration._ I call this, God’s little birth control plan. 

This doesn’t mean you give up your needs or sacrifice your desires. Just the opposite. Let him know what turns you on (even if it’s little things like when he does the dishes for you, or when he sits down and just rubs your feet as he listens to you share about your day.) Talk openly about what both of you want with intimacy and work together to create it.

16)	in SEX, FOCUS ON YOUR FULFILLMENT first. _Guys are pretty simple. Their mechanism is easy to operate and can always be turned on._ You on the other hand, have a complex and intricate instrument. Focus on how you are fulfilled and your man will be turned on when he feels he is pleasing you. Create that space where it is safe for in your marriage to be fully open and vulnerable, and even to let the dark side of your passion out. Keep it interesting and exciting, and most of all fun. Through that the deep sacred space that connects you will continue to grow deeper and stronger.

17)	*LEARN THE UNIQUE COMBINATION to your man’s heart*. Figure out the love languages that he uses to receive and give love. And then, commit daily fill him with that love. The more you give, the more you will receive.

18)	*FOCUS ON THE LONG-TERM VISION and then TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME*. Love is like a garden that requires constant watering and constant weeding. You may have let a lot of weeds grow in your garden over time, but stay focused on daily working towards what you want, and inevitably, before long you will have the sweet fruit you have been wanting. You deserve that love, and so does he.

19)	*NURTURE YOUR LOVE*. And renew that commitment to love daily. Keep your heart open to him, and let him own it. 

20)	*And don’t forget to SMILE. It looks good on you.*

… and of course continue to build your connection with God. He’ll strengthen you on the journey, fill you with love, and help you with the rest.

You are the QUEEN and your husband is YOUR KING. The more you see and treat each other as the nobility you truly are, the richer your relationship will become and the happier your castle will be.

*As a woman, you are amazing. Us men, stand in awe of your capacity to give yourself to your family and to the world. You are so intuitive, sensitive, brilliant, strong and kind. Without you, the man’s world is not complete. Thanks for being patient with us.* 

My heart hurts, knowing how much pain so many experience in their marriage. I know how it feels. So many of us live unconscious to these simple principles. I don’t understand why we were never taught them in school, and why we don’t live them more fully as we learn them. It’s sad that many of us don’t take the time to discover and live them until the pain is too great… 

As long as you are still married though, it’s not too late. It may take time, and it may take patience, and it WILL take you making a decision to try a little harder. But there is always hope for you. 

And if you have already found yourself in divorce, take these lessons and learn them for next time, and hold tight to the hope that your Prince is out there searching for you. Be the type of person you want to attract, and in time, he will find you.

I know that out there, are young brides wondering what they got into, and women who have been married a long time wondering how they can get out. 

All of them, deep down, want the same thing. They want a marriage that is whole and fulfilling where they feel cherished by someone who they can share their life with… many of them, though don’t know how to create that.

If you find lessons here that can serve those other women you know who deserve a beautiful and fulfilling marriage, then PLEASE SHARE this with them. Hopefully for some it will give them new insights, clearer direction, and wake them up to new possibilities and hope that they may have lost.

WOMEN- THIS IS YOUR INVITATION to rise in your beauty and glory. To be the goddess of your home and the queen of your man’s heart. 

You are RADIANT. Keep on shining… the future is more beautiful than you can imagine...


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## richie33

Excellent. I am going to print this out and give it my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

richie33 said:


> Excellent. I am going to print this out and give it my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do. I cannot express enough how much these words described what I sought in my marriage but all I get thrown in my face is this 5 Love Languages book which seriously does not speak to me at all. I wish this guy had posted this stuff on Facebook a year ago. 

I love the way he emphasises the need for some kind of emotional independence i.e. you are ultimately responsible for your self esteem. My wife would complain about her weight so much that going out for meals was tough cos she'll end up comparing herself to other women. She'll then eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's when home. Who is responsible for that? Me, of course! For me, there were only so many ways I could tell her she is not fat and argue about it that I just avoid all together.


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## Phenix70

Reading over this list, I can see many things I'm already doing in my own marriage & it makes a HUGE difference in the way my husband reacts to me.
Yes, there are things on here that are really that simple, nothing complex, no tests to take, no trying to figure out "what did he mean by that", it's very straight forward. 
Thanks for posting, hopefully others will see this & implement this in their own lives. 
Works great for us.


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## richie33

I am going through similar things as we speak. My wife isn't responsible my happiness, my health, my overall well being. But the pressure she puts on me to be responsible for all those things listed is too much for me to handle. I can't tell you how many times I have told my wife I am not equipped to handle this. I just don't know how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

richie33 said:


> I am going through similar things as we speak. My wife isn't responsible my happiness, my health, my overall well being. But the pressure she puts on me to be responsible for all those things listed is too much for me to handle. I can't tell you how many times I have told my wife I am not equipped to handle this. I just don't know how.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is one of the things I love about TAM. You realise that you are not crazy and that you are not the only one going through what you're experiencing.

This is EXACTLY where I got with my wife. She is a beautiful girl. Very smart and just wid'it. Her insecurities and enormous pressure on me to fill a love tank (which can NEVER be filled) has just worn me out and crushed me. I just don't get it. I have told her precisely those same words that I feel emotionally incapable of doing what she requires the way she does and as often as she needs it. CUE FIGHT. CUE SHUT DOWN

After 21 months of emotionally rushing around like Emmitt Smith for a touchdown only to then find that the 'need' goal post has moved again with sometimes volcanic like consequences - I am walking off this pitch. I think I now know trauma must feel like. I have NEVER been so stressed in my life. Some folks can live with that, but I just cannot do it - no way!


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## iBolt

Phenix70 said:


> Reading over this list, I can see many things I'm already doing in my own marriage & it makes a HUGE difference in the way my husband reacts to me.
> Yes, there are things on here that are really that simple, nothing complex, no tests to take, no trying to figure out "what did he mean by that", it's very straight forward.
> Thanks for posting, hopefully others will see this & implement this in their own lives.
> Works great for us.


Great. I am sure your hubby does his part too which makes it all worthwhile. Knowing what I know now, I honestly believe that men are mostly so damn simple to a fault. However, men aren't blundering buffoons as are sometimes portrayed.


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## richie33

I get the goal post reference. I am always feelings something new pops up. I am working on one thing that is supposed to be the issue, concentrating on making that right, then something new pops up and I am now stressed out with that. I can't handle everything that's thrown at me. I have developed terrible anxiety and begun to have panic attacks. You want to do the right thing for someone else. But you forget what's the right thing for yourself. I admit I have lost myself through the past 2 years of issues.
I just realized this is posted in the ladies lounge.....sorry ladies I didn't mean tothreadjack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

richie33 said:


> I get the goal post reference. I am always feelings something new pops up. I am working on one thing that is supposed to be the issue, concentrating on making that right, then something new pops up and I am now stressed out with that. I can't handle everything that's thrown at me. I have developed terrible anxiety and begun to have panic attacks. You want to do the right thing for someone else. But you forget what's the right thing for yourself. I admit I have lost myself through the past 2 years of issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so sorry about that. I feel for you totally. does your wife know about how you've started responding physically to the pressures you feel?


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## krismimo

I'am already doing these things


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## richie33

iBolt said:


> I am so sorry about that. I feel for you totally. does your wife know about how you've started responding physically to the pressures you feel?


She is well aware.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

richie33 said:


> She is well aware.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is well aware as in you have discussed it with her? (Sorry just wanting to be clear)

If yes, I'd ask what her response has been. I'm interested to know how yours differ to mine


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## iBolt

krismimo said:


> I'am already doing these things


Would you then say your husband is happy? Do you feel loved in return?


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## richie33

iBolt said:


> She is well aware as in you have discussed it with her? (Sorry just wanting to be clear)
> 
> If yes, I'd ask what her response has been. I'm interested to know how yours differ to mine


Sympathy but she has hard time not still making her issues the priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

Well that's better than I get.

Have you guys been to MC/IC? I think the fact that you respond this way is totally unhealthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit

Feminist doctrine does not produce this kind of woman. 

Check this out, from a man:



> As a woman, you are amazing. Us men, stand in awe of your capacity to give yourself to your family and to the world. You are so intuitive, sensitive, brilliant, strong and kind. Without you, the man’s world is not complete.


The core feminist doctrine is men not being necessary. They're obsolete. The thought of a woman being completed by a man is heresy to this creed. 

So it's a good dealbreaker to have on your list. If they so self-identify.


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## Deejo

This is very beautiful and inspirational. But ... it's too damn long. Bless women if they can digest it and follow it, but as for me? I started just looking for 'sex' after #5.

I hope the guys list is a lot shorter, like maybe 3 things. I can handle 3 things.


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## tracyishere

I think it can be summed up into 3 things: love yourself, look after yourself, be yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights

I was an amazing wife for the first 10 years of our marriage. I was all of those things on that list, plus an excellent cook with a high sex drive. 

My husband treated me like crap. My only mistake was continuing to be a good wife while I worked on the marriage. Now that I'm just done, I don't want to have sex with him any more. That he seems to notice. I wish I hadn't listened to advice that warned against withholding sex to teach him a lesson. I think it's the only thing that might have worked while there was still time. Who knows though, that probably wouldn't have worked either.


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## Caribbean Man

I didn't read the entire post line by line , but I agree with its basic ideals
As I was scanning it, this paragraph jumped out at me:

_" My heart hurts, knowing how much pain so many experience in their marriage. I know how it feels. So many of us live unconscious to these simple principles. I don’t understand why we were never taught them in school, and why we don’t live them more fully as we learn them. It’s sad that many of us don’t take the time to discover and live them until the pain is too great… "_

I sometimes wonder the exact same thing.
People suffering in relationships , needlessly ,all because of ignorance.
They allow useless constructs and pop psych to dictate to them how their marriage is supposed to function , instead of trying to understand and fulfil each other's needs.
By the time reality hits, they're fighting a custody battle after the fires of divorce.


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## brokenbythis

iBolt said:


> I just read this on FB today in response to an earlier post addressed to men about women. It particularly struck a chord because these were the things that I was totally unable to communicate to my stbx. Women are so much better at expressing their needs. This absolutely spells it out -
> *
> The WIFE THAT EVERY MAN WANTS : *
> 
> Tips for Women to Create an Epic Marriage…
> 
> Last Sunday, just after my marriage of 16 years ended in divorce, I was up at 1:00am capturing advice I would have given myself if I could go back in time… things I wish I would have known as a husband earlier. I shared my thoughts with my friends on Facebook hoping that maybe out there somewhere, there was one person like me that could benefit from my hard earned lessons and recommit to being the man their wife deserves, before it was too late...
> 
> To my surprise, in one week over 71,200 people had ‘shared’ those lessons, and I received countless private messages thanking me for how it had already transformed their marriage.
> 
> … and then I also got messages from women who were feeling stuck, not sure what they could do to bring life back into their marriage, and how they could inspire their man to step up.
> 
> One woman sent me this message: “A lot of my friends wanted to know after reading your post, Coming from a man’s point of view what would a man want in a marriage?”
> 
> I still don’t pretend to be an expert on relationships. I have no intention of being known as one. I am just a normal guy. A guy that screws up sometimes, and is trying to learn as I go, to be a little wiser next time… and a guy who is just trying to listen to the lessons that life provides. What I share is just my opinion and my perspective in being a man, nothing more. My only intention is to serve.
> 
> I share my thoughts here only because I feel it needs to be shared, and because I hope that it may bring light to some woman out there who is looking for hope and direction in her relationship right now.
> 
> Here’s the deal. Marriage is a 2-way covenant. A partnership where both husband AND wife hold EQUAL accountability in making it work, and who both need to commit fully to make it THRIVE…. YOU ARE A TEAM. That team works best when both are whole and strong, and share a vision of what you want to create.
> 
> The problem is men are often ignorant as to the real needs of their wife, and MOST WOMEN DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR MAN WANTS, and how to be that WOMAN that will INSPIRE THEIR MAN TO RISE and be that KING that she deserves.
> 
> This is what that the TRUE MAN wants from his lady…
> 
> 1)	*He wants you to LOVE YOURSELF FULLY FIRST*… Fall in love with who you are and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are amazing, just the way you are. When you realize this you are more confident, and NOTHING is SEXIER to a man than a woman who owns her worth, her brilliance, her beauty. The more you love yourself, the more love you will have to give.
> 
> 2)	*FILL YOURSELF UP… Stop looking to your man to be the one to ‘make’ you happy. That’s your job, not his.* When you are expecting that from him, it drains him, but when you take accountability and FILL YOURSELF with love and joy, you are like a POWERPLANT with ENERGY and LOVE and PASSION that pours into his life. HE WANTS you to be happy, he just doesn’t want to be blamed when you’re not. Find what makes you happy.
> 
> 3)	*LOVE YOUR BODY… Look in the mirror and see how amazing and gorgeous you really are.* What a gift that body is. Love every inch… just as it is right now! A woman who loves her body takes care of it. She loves to eat well, and she loves to exercise, not to impress anyone else, but because SHE DESERVES TO BE HEALTHY. You take care of that which you love.
> 
> *Stop being so critical about your body.* _You aren’t supposed to look like that model on the cover of the magazine… SHE’S FAKE._ She’s a photoshopped illusion created by a marketing firm with the purpose of making you feel inadequate about yourself. That’s the only way you’ll buy their stuff. Don’t buy into their lie. *Stop comparing yourself with others, your only job is to be the most BEAUTIFUL YOU. Take good care of yourself, and your man will be irresistibly attracted to you.*
> 
> 4)	GIVE 100% and EXPECT NOTHING in return. If you want a happy marriage you must be willing to PLAY FULL OUT to create it, regardless of where he is at. Take full accountability for your part. *UNMET EXPECTATIONS are the biggest source of unhappiness in marriage, so stop expecting him to be anything but him.* When you give without expectation, just watch and see how much is returned.
> 
> 5)	*BE GRATEFUL FOR WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW*… Focus on what you love about him as he is, and try to overlook the rest. When you do this not only does it make you happier, but you will begin to notice more and more of what you love. _You will always find what you are looking for. When you see and acknowledge the greatness in him, it will call forth that part of him who wants to be your king and knight in shining armor._
> 
> 6)	FORGIVE HIM… Over and over again. Face it, he’s made some stupid mistakes. A lot of them. You know that and he does too. Carrying the weight of those mistakes into the future though, not only will keep you from trusting him, but it will keep him from feeling safe to be fully open with you. *So wherever you have that secret closet inside your mind where you are storing all those mistakes from all those years, you know, the one you go to whenever he messes up again and keep all the evidence and validation of why you should leave… yeah, that one. Destroy it. Burn the evidence and be free once and for all. Learn from the past and LET IT GO. He deserves to be free from the past and so do you. It’s God’s job to judge him, not yours. The faster you forgive the more fully love will flow.*
> 
> 7)	*NEVER CRITICISE HIM… Compliment him on what he does right, rather than tear him down for what he does wrong. He WANTS TO PLEASE you, when he does something you appreciate let him know. Stroke him on the back of his neck, and tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and he will be eager to do more. If you criticize him, it will only shut him down and make him hide from you and stop trying. (Seriously, men are so easy to train. Positive Reinforcement. Us guys, we’re kinda’ like seals at sea world… give em’ a treat after they do something you want and they’ll keep doing it…. Don’t tell your husband I told you this.)*
> 
> 8 )	*YOU DON’T OWN HIM*. He is free and was meant to be. If you try to control him, put a leash on him, or cage him, it will take away the very thing that makes him a man- that raw masculine sense of control and independence. *The more you try to force him or restrict him, the more he will yearn to escape. The more inviting you make yourself, the more you let him be free, the more he will want to stay.*
> 
> 9)	*GIVE HIM MAN TIME*… just like you, he needs time for himself to fill himself up. *The man hungers for adventure, and for challenge and for time to brood in his Man cave.* You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies about war, and superheroes, and spies. You don’t have to understand, just let him have that space to be.
> 
> 10)	*GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT and choose to CREATE IT… Stop waiting for him to give you what you want, take responsibility for creating it yourself.* - ie. If you want to date more, create it… make it easy for him. Give him a list of 10 ideas of what you like to do together on dates, and schedule a night each week for him to take you out, and then *gently remind him if needed...*
> 
> 11)	*SPEAK CLEARLY and OPENLY*… He’s NOT a mind-reader. No matter how long you’ve lived together, he still won’t always know what you want. When you are upset, he probably has no idea why. You could be furious with him and he’ll have NO IDEA what he did or said to make you upset. The more clearly you communicate what you want, the more he can give it to you.
> 
> 12)	*DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING*… don’t jump to conclusions. As intuitive as you are, _you don’t always know what he is thinking or feeling. Your judgements are often filtered through your own limiting beliefs._ Give him the benefit of the doubt, and choose to believe the best. ‘seek first to understand, and then to be understood.’
> 
> 13)	*RESPECT HIM. While a woman yearns to be deeply understood and cherished, the man’s primary need is to be respected. When you have a problem, his first impulse is to FIX IT. This is how he feels important. While criticism and control are his “anti-love” languages and will cause him to feel dis-respected and to shut down, meaningful acknowledgement will make him feel respected and bring him to life and cause him to stand a little taller and be a little better.*
> 
> 14)	*ENCOURAGE HIM TO LIVE HIS PURPOSE…* The man is most alive when he is on a quest for something he feels meaningful. It may take him time to discover what that purpose is, but encourage him along the way, and when he finds it, be his greatest cheerleader.
> 
> 15)	Ok. Here we go… you knew this was coming… ABOUT *SEX*… for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, it is a core need. It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you. Shut him off, withhold from him, or reject him and it will emasculate him and sever the most important connection to you in his world.
> *
> Men and Women seem to be wired opposite with sex.* _While the woman wants emotional connection first to fully open herself up in physical intimacy, the man wants physical connection first to open up emotionally. This is a good recipe for sexual frustration._ I call this, God’s little birth control plan.
> 
> This doesn’t mean you give up your needs or sacrifice your desires. Just the opposite. Let him know what turns you on (even if it’s little things like when he does the dishes for you, or when he sits down and just rubs your feet as he listens to you share about your day.) Talk openly about what both of you want with intimacy and work together to create it.
> 
> 16)	in SEX, FOCUS ON YOUR FULFILLMENT first. _Guys are pretty simple. Their mechanism is easy to operate and can always be turned on._ You on the other hand, have a complex and intricate instrument. Focus on how you are fulfilled and your man will be turned on when he feels he is pleasing you. Create that space where it is safe for in your marriage to be fully open and vulnerable, and even to let the dark side of your passion out. Keep it interesting and exciting, and most of all fun. Through that the deep sacred space that connects you will continue to grow deeper and stronger.
> 
> 17)	*LEARN THE UNIQUE COMBINATION to your man’s heart*. Figure out the love languages that he uses to receive and give love. And then, commit daily fill him with that love. The more you give, the more you will receive.
> 
> 18)	*FOCUS ON THE LONG-TERM VISION and then TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME*. Love is like a garden that requires constant watering and constant weeding. You may have let a lot of weeds grow in your garden over time, but stay focused on daily working towards what you want, and inevitably, before long you will have the sweet fruit you have been wanting. You deserve that love, and so does he.
> 
> 19)	*NURTURE YOUR LOVE*. And renew that commitment to love daily. Keep your heart open to him, and let him own it.
> 
> 20)	*And don’t forget to SMILE. It looks good on you.*
> 
> … and of course continue to build your connection with God. He’ll strengthen you on the journey, fill you with love, and help you with the rest.
> 
> You are the QUEEN and your husband is YOUR KING. The more you see and treat each other as the nobility you truly are, the richer your relationship will become and the happier your castle will be.
> 
> *As a woman, you are amazing. Us men, stand in awe of your capacity to give yourself to your family and to the world. You are so intuitive, sensitive, brilliant, strong and kind. Without you, the man’s world is not complete. Thanks for being patient with us.*
> 
> My heart hurts, knowing how much pain so many experience in their marriage. I know how it feels. So many of us live unconscious to these simple principles. I don’t understand why we were never taught them in school, and why we don’t live them more fully as we learn them. It’s sad that many of us don’t take the time to discover and live them until the pain is too great…
> 
> As long as you are still married though, it’s not too late. It may take time, and it may take patience, and it WILL take you making a decision to try a little harder. But there is always hope for you.
> 
> And if you have already found yourself in divorce, take these lessons and learn them for next time, and hold tight to the hope that your Prince is out there searching for you. Be the type of person you want to attract, and in time, he will find you.
> 
> I know that out there, are young brides wondering what they got into, and women who have been married a long time wondering how they can get out.
> 
> All of them, deep down, want the same thing. They want a marriage that is whole and fulfilling where they feel cherished by someone who they can share their life with… many of them, though don’t know how to create that.
> 
> If you find lessons here that can serve those other women you know who deserve a beautiful and fulfilling marriage, then PLEASE SHARE this with them. Hopefully for some it will give them new insights, clearer direction, and wake them up to new possibilities and hope that they may have lost.
> 
> WOMEN- THIS IS YOUR INVITATION to rise in your beauty and glory. To be the goddess of your home and the queen of your man’s heart.
> 
> You are RADIANT. Keep on shining… the future is more beautiful than you can imagine...


This rant sounds like a figment of someone's imagination. Its all a bit too fantasy based to sound like real "feedback".


----------



## Rowan

northernlights said:


> I was an amazing wife for the first 10 years of our marriage. I was all of those things on that list, plus an excellent cook with a high sex drive.
> 
> My husband treated me like crap. My only mistake was continuing to be a good wife while I worked on the marriage. Now that I'm just done, I don't want to have sex with him any more. That he seems to notice. I wish I hadn't listened to advice that warned against withholding sex to teach him a lesson. I think it's the only thing that might have worked while there was still time. Who knows though, that probably wouldn't have worked either.


I know about that type of guy because I was married to one, too. There are women out there who are the wife this list describes. There are men out there who take that for granted. 

But, there are also men out there giving 100% to women who can't or won't appreciate it. 

Some people, male and female, simply aren't emotionally capable of being a good partner. The trick is to figure out that your spouse is one of those who isn't ready to be a good partner before you've given and given and given to the point of burn-out.


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## greenpearl

Rowan said:


> I know about that type of guy because I was married to one, too. There are women out there who are the wife this list describes. There are men out there who take that for granted.
> 
> But, there are also men out there giving 100% to women who can't or won't appreciate it.
> 
> Some people, male and female, simply aren't emotionally capable of being a good partner. The trick is to figure out that your spouse is one of those who isn't ready to be a good partner before you've given and given and given to the point of burn-out.


Sometimes I think it is difficult to find the person who is compatible to you. Like you described, good wife with bad husband, or good husband with bad wife. Sometimes some people just have bad luck. But when both the husband and wife appreciate each other, then the list is wonderful advice for women and I think it is also important for the men to have a similar list about how to be a good man.


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## iBolt

greenpearl said:


> Sometimes I think it is difficult to find the person who is compatible to you. Like you described, good wife with bad husband, or good husband with bad wife. Sometimes some people just have bad luck. But when both the husband and wife appreciate each other, then the list is wonderful advice for women and I think it is also important for the men to have a similar list about how to be a good man.


There is a list for men as alluded to in OP. Here's a link to it:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/103682-good-advice-via-fb.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

brokenbythis said:


> This rant sounds like a figment of someone's imagination. Its all a bit too fantasy based to sound like real "feedback".


Methinks you've missed the point entirely. Much of the problem in relationships is the inability of either sides to truly understand each other AND each other's natures. I for believe that a portion of the latter is linked to the biology of the genders. 

So firstly, this list in my view does a good job in articulating the nature of men - * generally *. I don't know many men who would disagree about many of these. Maybe it is evolution that has made men desire respect, trust and confidence more than say romance, I don't know but society certainly cultures men AND women to expect certain things in a relationship - rightly or wrongly. It is just the way it is and I think this guy spells it out as such.

Secondly, the good I see in the "rant" and its fluffy bits that appears patronising is that it is actually trying to convey to women the need for them to take care of #1 inwardly and outwardly. No one is responsible for that for you. The more confident you are in and about yourself, the more attractive you become but in any case, such and such is how men mostly feel about their partners irrespective of how poorly she may feel of herself. 

Actually I think the fluffy parts would be some of the most encouraging and uplifting to me if I was a woman, alas I am not
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

I view this as one man's bona fide wish list. A helpful tool for the next time around where he can go down the list and make his check marks.

Love, honor, cherish pretty much sums it up.


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## RoseAglow

Wiserforit said:


> Feminist doctrine does not produce this kind of woman.
> 
> Check this out, from a man:
> 
> 
> 
> The core feminist doctrine is men not being necessary. They're obsolete. The thought of a woman being completed by a man is heresy to this creed.
> 
> So it's a good dealbreaker to have on your list. If they so self-identify.


The "core feminist doctrine" isn't about men being unnecessary. It is about women being able to make choices, including having careers etc., so that their lives and well-being are not entirely dependent upon a man.

In fact, as noted before, one of the on-going themes here and in other men's posts is that men cannot be responsible entirely for their woman's happiness. In other words, men suffer when their women depend entirely on them. (Women also suffer when their men depend entirely on them as well.)

So just wanted to toss in another post- being a feminist is not a bad thing. If you want a wife who will be a partner, who can find happiness within herself as well as with you, then finding a feminist might actually be a good thing. Thankfully my DH seems to think so! OK, thread-jack over.

As for the post, I can go with it. The King/Queen stuff seems over-the-top and old-fashioned to me, but I can get the general idea and don't disagree. I view it more as DH and I are co-owners and operators of our family, we are the heads of it. Same thing really, just slightly updated.


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## camillaj

iBolt said:


> 15)	Ok. Here we go… you knew this was coming… ABOUT *SEX*… for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, it is a core need. It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you. Shut him off, withhold from him, or reject him and it will emasculate him and sever the most important connection to you in his world.
> *
> Men and Women seem to be wired opposite with sex.* _While the woman wants emotional connection first to fully open herself up in physical intimacy, the man wants physical connection first to open up emotionally. This is a good recipe for sexual frustration._ I call this, God’s little birth control plan.
> 
> This doesn’t mean you give up your needs or sacrifice your desires. Just the opposite. Let him know what turns you on (even if it’s little things like when he does the dishes for you, or when he sits down and just rubs your feet as he listens to you share about your day.) Talk openly about what both of you want with intimacy and work together to create it.


Too much generalization. I disagree with this part. Sex is a core need for me and I must have a physical connection before I can have an emotional connection. I'm also visual like men claim to be. Many women I know are like me.


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## iBolt

camillaj said:


> Too much generalization. I disagree with this part. Sex is a core need for me and I must have a physical connection before I can have an emotional connection. I'm also visual like men claim to be. Many women I know are like me.


Too much generalisation, as you say, does not negate the main theme of the article anymore than generalisation makes any form of social theory irrelevant. 

In fact, I would argue that your statement "Many women I know are like me." is a generalisation but it doesn't make you point pointless. you dig?


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## camillaj

iBolt said:


> Too much generalisation, as you say, does not negate the main theme of the article anymore than generalisation makes any form of social theory irrelevant.
> 
> In fact, I would argue that your statement "Many women I know are like me." is a generalisation but it doesn't make you point pointless. you dig?


My statement is not a generalization as I personally know those women I referred to, so I know they are like me in this regard. I didn't claim to know how all women are like you did (or the post you quoted).


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## iBolt

camillaj said:


> My statement is not a generalization as I personally know those women I referred to, so I know they are like me in this regard. I didn't claim to know how all women are like you did (or the post you quoted).


It is a generalisation in the context of your post ie you are deducing a conclusion based on your knowledge of an infinitesimal part of a population which is fine. This dude is doing no different to you based on his experience. Are exceptions? Almost always. You're clearly an example of that. Generalisation is not necessarily a bad thing. It is the stuff of the sciences. Either way happy to agree to disagree with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity

I actually read the whole thing. Great stuff. This is why I never understood why women call some men dogs when dogs are the most loyal, loving animals in existance. Give them love and snacks and they give so much back. Men are the same. We want to protect and love you and please you. All we want is a little attention and a snack


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## badcompany

iBolt, any chance on posting the men's version?


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## GTdad

badcompany said:


> iBolt, any chance on posting the men's version?


If it exists, and the wise women here think it's good stuff, I'd be thrilled to read it. I'll take all the help I can get.


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## loving1

This is wonderful.


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## badcompany

GTdad said:


> If it exists, and the wise women here think it's good stuff, I'd be thrilled to read it. I'll take all the help I can get.


Link on page 2 by iBolt, I cannot access FB here.


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## Catherine602

Men seem simple in certain ways. I find that my husband does many if not most things with me and the kids in mind. I didn't know this till I read about it and afterwards, noticed IRL. 

In some form or another, he needs me to show my appreciation. Men don't seem to do things for women they don't care about (when it comes to love and commitment). 

When I express my appreciation he seems so happy. Such a little thing - a few words to show I noticed what he does is like magic. I didn't think it was so important before because he is not the needy emotional sort of man. He seems self-reliant. In many ways, he seems to need more careful attention to notice what he needs. 

It would be difficult to tell if I didn't know in general what men need from reading here and in books. It gives a starting point at lest. Thanks OP.  .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad

badcompany said:


> Link on page 2 by iBolt, I cannot access FB here.


Thanks. Copied below for convenience and maybe discussion:

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.


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## I Notice The Details

Awesome post iBolt. I will print it off and read it many times. Thanks for taking the time and effort to post this!


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## badcompany

I wanted the men's half up, because as you can see, they work together and are conditional in my opinion....i.e., the man isn't going to be able to do #_ if the wife isn't holding up her end per #_ and vice-versa.
When I look at these and do my best to apply them in an un-biased matter to both my wife and I, we are both failing several of these items and a few aren't our fault(our jobs don't allow enough time together). The difference is that many of the items I am failing are reactive of her failures and while I point this out she refuses to admit any fault and instead blame shifts. That pillar in #7 can only take so much beating before it breaks....


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## EleGirl

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

EleGirl said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What, I didn't hear you.


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## EleGirl

Catherine602 said:


> What, I didn't hear you.


LOL... right up there, I posted everything women need to know about men.... :rofl:

{actually think my cell phone was acting up. I got a new Note II phone can trying to work with it today.}


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## Jackie1607

I understand your points--we women should love ourselves and our body. I really wish I could do that. However, we are constantly judged by the way we look; fashion magazines constantly remind us of how we should look; and men keep looking at women with big boobs. It is very hard for us to love ourselves and not to compare ourselves with other women. 

I have small boobs. It's not easy for me to love my body when majority of men love big boobs as a fact. But not only that, but also I myself like big boobs, and it's a fact. There is no way that I can force myself to like my small boobs. 

So what I do is to exercise to keep other parts of my body look good, such as my butt, abs, and arms. They are manageable without a cosmetic surgery. As late 40's, I have no fat around my belly and have a bubbly butt, which my boyfriend loves. But I hate my boobs and often feel low self-esteem looking at other women's big boobs. 

But I like your points very much because they are encouraging and make sense. At least I will try not to show my low self-esteem to my boyfriend, pretending to be confident. That might be a doable first step.


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## Blondilocks

Be thankful that you will not develop shoulder & back pain from toting boulders around.
Be thankful that clothes are easier to find and hang more attractively on you.
Be thankful that they won't eventually look like a tennis ball in the bottom of a sock.
Rest assured that you look better unclothed than a large percentage of the more endowed ladies.


----------



## iBolt

Jackie1607 said:


> I understand your points--we women should love ourselves and our body. I really wish I could do that. However, we are constantly judged by the way we look; fashion magazines constantly remind us of how we should look; and men keep looking at women with big boobs. It is very hard for us to love ourselves and not to compare ourselves with other women.
> 
> I have small boobs. It's not easy for me to love my body when majority of men love big boobs as a fact. But not only that, but also I myself like big boobs, and it's a fact. There is no way that I can force myself to like my small boobs.
> 
> So what I do is to exercise to keep other parts of my body look good, such as my butt, abs, and arms. They are manageable without a cosmetic surgery. As late 40's, I have no fat around my belly and have a bubbly butt, which my boyfriend loves. But I hate my boobs and often feel low self-esteem looking at other women's big boobs.
> 
> But I like your points very much because they are encouraging and make sense. At least I will try not to show my low self-esteem to my boyfriend, pretending to be confident. That might be a doable first step.


I am VERY sorry you feel this way. I feel quite strongly about the way media has and is shaping the way men perceive women and vice-versa. You used the word "fact" one or two times, do you have any evidence of this fact? 

There really is something quite exotic about a self confident woman who is happy in herself but not narcissistic about it. Sadly, too many of us want to look like this or that person. I urge you to please love yourself and see the good that abounds in you. A healthy dose of good self esteem is highly magnetic


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## iBolt

Blondilocks said:


> Be thankful that you will not develop shoulder & back pain from toting boulders around.
> Be thankful that clothes are easier to find and hang more attractively on you.
> *Be thankful that they won't eventually look like a tennis ball in the bottom of a sock.*
> Rest assured that you look better unclothed than a large percentage of the more endowed ladies.


:rofl:

Agree with all the principle behind your points. Facts are rarely the same as fiction. Nice one


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## SimplyAmorous

That is some inspiring advice there Ibolt... some thoughts...



> 9)	*GIVE HIM MAN TIME…* just like you, he needs time for himself to fill himself up. The man hungers for adventure, and for challenge and for time to brood in his Man cave. You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies about war, and superheroes, and spies. You don’t have to understand, just let him have that space to be.


My husband is odd, he doesn't care about Cave time.. I told him one day he is not normal in this.... all men want cave time! .....He answers back ..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it" ...loved that.. 

Years ago I remember reading that book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"...and I was thinking... My husband doesn't fit all that !...... He also could care less about sports, war movies ...he's happy to cuddle up to Lifetime movies or even watch the Bachelor with me. 



> 10)	*GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT and choose to CREATE IT*… Stop waiting for him to give you what you want, take responsibility for creating it yourself. - ie. If you want to date more, create it… make it easy for him. Give him a list of 10 ideas of what you like to do together on dates, and schedule a night each week for him to take you out, and then gently remind him if needed...


 I am excellent with this.. I pretty much devise and plan our every outing...he very much appreciates that.. .there is no pressure on him at all. 



> 15)	Ok. Here we go… you knew this was coming… ABOUT SEX… for men in a relationship this is not just a desire, *it is a core need*. *It is one of the keys that anchors his soul to yours*. Frequent, meaningful Sex is what connects his heart to you and makes him feel at one. Open yourself fully to experience that passionate and connected love, and he will give himself to you. Shut him off, withhold from him, or reject him and it will emasculate him and sever the most important connection to you in his world


 Couldn't agree more...

 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband



> 6)	*FORGIVE HIM*… Over and over again. Face it, he’s made some stupid mistakes. A lot of them. You know that and he does too. Carrying the weight of those mistakes into the future though, not only will keep you from trusting him, but it will keep him from feeling safe to be fully open with you.
> 
> So wherever you have that secret closet inside your mind where you are storing all those mistakes from all those years, you know, the one you go to whenever he messes up again and keep all the evidence and validation of why you should leave… yeah, that one. Destroy it. Burn the evidence and be free once and for all. Learn from the past and LET IT GO. He deserves to be free from the past and so do you. It’s God’s job to judge him, not yours. The faster you forgive the more fully love will flow.


 When we make mistakes, on both sides, we talk very openly about it... nothing gets rug sweeped.. When we make up, it's washed in the ocean... Neither of us are grudge holders...



> 1)	*He wants you to LOVE YOURSELF FULLY FIRST*… Fall in love with who you are and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are amazing, just the way you are. When you realize this you are more confident, and NOTHING is SEXIER to a man than a woman who owns her worth, her brilliance, her beauty. The more you love yourself, the more love you will have to give.


 He doesn't like it when I get down on myself, it's rare but It can happen...HE comes alive when I am alive -feeling good , radiant and confident that I can slay any dragon I want...including him. 

I am not offended by the King, the Queen and Prince references...he referenced me as "the Queen, the daughter "the Princess"..... he's joked how he'd like to have a castle, build a mote with alligators and piranha fish in there to shut out the world at times... I enjoy treating him like my King....



> 4)	*GIVE 100% and EXPECT NOTHING in return*. If you want a happy marriage you must be willing to PLAY FULL OUT to create it, regardless of where he is at. Take full accountability for your part. UNMET EXPECTATIONS are the biggest source of unhappiness in marriage, so stop expecting him to be anything but him. When you give without expectation, just watch and see how much is returned.


 This would never be Doable for me... IF he trampled and neglected my love languages.. but this has never been an issue... so yeah..it's easy for me to NOT expect...and when I have wanted more from him... basically I was being whiny - which I generally get a handle on -but I have my moments.



> 5)	*BE GRATEFUL FOR WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW*… Focus on what you love about him as he is, and try to overlook the rest. When you do this not only does it make you happier, but you will begin to notice more and more of what you love. You will always find what you are looking for. When you see and acknowledge the greatness in him, it will call forth that part of him who wants to be your king and knight in shining armor.


 Gratitude ...always needed in marriage....


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## Jackie1607

I feel sorry about myslef feeling so insecure about my looks. But isn't this nature of women, which drives us to care about our looks? 

I still rememer how shocked I was in a poetry class when I heard a line of Yeats's poem "Adam's Curse," which says "we (women) must labor to be beautiful." How true is it! Because we compare ourselves with other women and sometimes feel insecure, we labor to be beautiful. Lack of self esteem can be a bad thing if it makes us give up on ourselves; however, it can be a positive driving force. While feeling sad about my boobs, I try so hard to make myself look good to my boyfriend's eyes.


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## Hortensia

THANK YOU !!! Not only you described my marriage in the smallest detail, but also all of my personal beliefs! How I wish there were more people to understand these simple things on this forum, and on this world!


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## Hortensia

SimplyAmorous said:


> That is some inspiring advice there Ibolt... some thoughts...
> 
> 
> 
> My husband is odd, he doesn't care about Cave time.. I told him one day he is not normal in this.... all men want cave time! .....He answers back ..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it" ...loved that..
> 
> Years ago I remember reading that book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"...and I was thinking... My husband doesn't fit all that !...... He also could care less about sports, war movies ...he's happy to cuddle up to Lifetime movies or even watch the Bachelor with me.
> 
> I am excellent with this.. I pretty much devise and plan our every outing...he very much appreciates that.. .there is no pressure on him at all.
> 
> Couldn't agree more...
> 
> Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband
> 
> When we make mistakes, on both sides, we talk very openly about it... nothing gets rug sweeped.. When we make up, it's washed in the ocean... Neither of us are grudge holders...
> 
> He doesn't like it when I get down on myself, it's rare but It can happen...HE comes alive when I am alive -feeling good , radiant and confident that I can slay any dragon I want...including him.
> 
> I am not offended by the King, the Queen and Prince references...he referenced me as "the Queen, the daughter "the Princess"..... he's joked how he'd like to have a castle, build a mote with alligators and piranha fish in there to shut out the world at times... I enjoy treating him like my King....
> 
> This would never be Doable for me... IF he trampled and neglected my love languages.. but this has never been an issue... so yeah..it's easy for me to NOT expect...and when I have wanted more from him... basically I was being whiny - which I generally get a handle on -but I have my moments.
> 
> Gratitude ...always needed in marriage....


Simply Amorous, your post is Simply Amazing like always ! So refreshing to read ! That's what a great wife sounds like, and that's an example of marriage.


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## iBolt

Jackie1607 said:


> I feel sorry about myslef feeling so insecure about my looks. But isn't this nature of women, which drives us to care about our looks?
> 
> I still rememer how shocked I was in a poetry class when I heard a line of Yeats's poem "Adam's Curse," which says "we (women) must labor to be beautiful." How true is it! Because we compare ourselves with other women and sometimes feel insecure, we labor to be beautiful. Lack of self esteem can be a bad thing if it makes us give up on ourselves; however, it can be a positive driving force. While feeling sad about my boobs, I try so hard to make myself look good to my boyfriend's eyes.


Jackie. Thank you for your input. One of the central themes of this piece is the beauty and sexiness that men find in women who are confident in themselves and happy with their God given endowments. There's a troubling thing that I notice in me and I think it perhaps underpins the wotld of advertising. 

As human beings, we seem to get a kick out of comparing ourselves to others. The arrogant amongst us see what they have and look at other minions who do not have what they have. They judge and condemn and consider themselves superior because of whatever it is they have. 

The insecure ones on the other hand also compare themselves to others but only see what they don't have and wished they were like someone else. Only if my head was smaller, my breasts larger, I wasn't so short or I had a nicer voice etc. It soon becomes a quick race to the bottom of the pile. 

I've come to realise that if one is not happy with what they have or such a person is morbidly obsessed with a personal flaw or something, it is AMAZING how this one or two things soon overtakes the entire mindset of the individual. The partner WILL one way or the other pay for this and s/he will just not be able to compete with what's in your head. So I think, as someone wrote here on TAM, "HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB".

I understand that we all have insecurities and need some external help BUT ultimately I would be very unwise indeed to delegate my happiness to someone else - anyone. It would be a most unfair and dangerous thing to do. So, be grateful that you have boobs! There are other's due to health conditions who do not have boobs. They're no less a woman than any other. The true essence of who you are is not dictated by what you see in the mirror. . Be happy. It's contagious and uber magnetically sexy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

iBolt said:


> The insecure ones on the other hand also compare themselves to others but only see what they don't have and wished they were like someone else. Only if my head was smaller, my breasts larger, I wasn't so short or I had a nicer voice etc. It soon becomes a quick race to the bottom of the pile.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are all types of women that walk this earth. Short. Tall. Wide. Narrow. The variety is endless. And yes, the insecure woman may attempt to compare herself with another woman who she perceives is better looking (due to some body part or feature she deems is what men would want to see).

But there is an alternate observation. Some insecure woman might want to learn to compare themselves with women who do not have the qualities that they possess. When I have an insecure moment, I notice other woman who are younger than myself and who have let themselves go (in my silent opinion, of course). Where I think a certain feature on myself may be inadequate, I can see other women who are in worse shape than me. I walk away not feeling so bad. 

Although I am not perfect, I focus on the positive and can walk with confidence knowing that, with so much variety "out there", I need not worry about how I am observed. I can accept who I am, imperfect as that might be, work on those features that I believe are a problem and trust that there will be some male observers who think that I am awesome.


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## iBolt

survivorwife said:


> There are all types of women that walk this earth. Short. Tall. Wide. Narrow. The variety is endless. And yes, the insecure woman may attempt to compare herself with another woman who she perceives is better looking (due to some body part or feature she deems is what men would want to see).
> 
> But there is an alternate observation. Some insecure woman might want to learn to compare themselves with women who do not have the qualities that they possess. When I have an insecure moment, I notice other woman who are younger than myself and who have let themselves go (in my silent opinion, of course). Where I think a certain feature on myself may be inadequate, I can see other women who are in worse shape than me. * I walk away not feeling so bad. * :rofl:
> 
> *Although I am not perfect, I focus on the positive and can walk with confidence knowing that, with so much variety "out there", I need not worry about how I am observed. I can accept who I am, imperfect as that might be, work on those features that I believe are a problem and trust that there will be some male observers who think that I am awesome. *


Beautifully put.


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## iBolt

*I add to the OP one of my favourite (correct spelling - thank you  ) prose poems. It ties in very well with what many of you have written earlier. It was written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. It is called 'Desiderata'*

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Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. *If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.*

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

*Be yourself.* Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. *Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.* 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

*Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.*


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## badcompany

Jackie1607 said:


> I understand your points--we women should love ourselves and our body. I really wish I could do that. However, we are constantly judged by the way we look; fashion magazines constantly remind us of how we should look; and men keep looking at women with big boobs. It is very hard for us to love ourselves and not to compare ourselves with other women.
> 
> I have small boobs. It's not easy for me to love my body when majority of men love big boobs as a fact. But not only that, but also I myself like big boobs, and it's a fact. There is no way that I can force myself to like my small boobs.
> 
> So what I do is to exercise to keep other parts of my body look good, such as my butt, abs, and arms. They are manageable without a cosmetic surgery. As late 40's, I have no fat around my belly and have a bubbly butt, which my boyfriend loves. But I hate my boobs and often feel low self-esteem looking at other women's big boobs.
> 
> But I like your points very much because they are encouraging and make sense. At least I will try not to show my low self-esteem to my boyfriend, pretending to be confident. That might be a doable first step.


Consumerism...BS. I love handful size and some nice flared hips. Most important though, is how you use it and being "into" your partner. A "10" that lays there waiting for it to be over with, vs. a "6" that is totally into it....no contest.


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## northernlights

Aww, Jackie1607, chin up girl! If it makes you feel better, I'm sure your boobs are bigger than mine.  
Also, you shouldn't think of them as bad, because in my opinion small boobs have a very classy look, like you'd expect to see on a very wealthy, very slim French woman. Or Keira Knightly!


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## Jackie1607

northernlights said:


> Aww, Jackie1607, chin up girl! If it makes you feel better, I'm sure your boobs are bigger than mine.
> Also, you shouldn't think of them as bad, because in my opinion small boobs have a very classy look, like you'd expect to see on a very wealthy, very slim French woman. Or Keira Knightly!


You cannot beat me with the size of your boobs. Mine is like a cutting board with two raisins, which my mom used to call her own. :rofl:

Besides, I recently took two biopsy operations that left two ugly scars on my left breast, which make my boobs look even more horrible. 

I wish my boyfriend touched or kissed my boobs, then I would feel better. But apparently he isn't interested in them. But I cannot blame him because there is nothing to touch.

But I understand what iBolt writes here. I don't want to look miserable. So I always try to dress up nicely to feel good about myself whenever I am with my boyfriend. That doesn't mean I put too much make up or wear flashy clothes. I try to make myself best for my looks. (I'm short so anything too much doesn't work.) 

But then when a woman with big boobs showing her cleavage is walking toward us and my boyfriend looks at her, suddenly my confidence level drops to the bottom. It happened last Sunday. I knew she wasn't his type, but still it hurt my feeling.


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## northernlights

Jackie1607 said:


> You cannot beat me with the size of your boobs. Mine is like a cutting board with two raisins, which my mom used to call her own. :rofl:


My H's aunt called mine saucers, and another dear old friend told me I have ribs with nipples.  
Sorry about the biopsy and scars though. I've always told myself that at least a lump couldn't hide in my boobs, so they must be safer than the big ones.

Why don't you get implants?


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## Caribbean Man

Blondilocks said:


> *Rest assured that you look better unclothed than a large percentage of the more endowed ladies.*


This is so true in my wife's case.
I remember before we started out together I was attracted only to big boobs. I never even considered a woman sexy unless she had them.
My wife is the opposite. She has just about average size perky breasts.
18 years married and at 46 years old they have not changed one bit.
She " cured " my big tit fetish.


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## FemBot

Well we certainly don't need to resort to shaming large breasted women now do we? I have big breasts and I look great naked thankyouverymuch! I'm sure small breasted women look great too. The important thing is to not tear each other down to build ourselves up


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## sinnister

With work, kids, mortgage, 2 car payments, and extended family issues there is no way either one of us can follow this list.

I wish I could but there is just no way.


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## sinnister

FemBot said:


> Well we certainly don't need to resort to shaming large breasted women now do we? I have big breasts and I look great naked thankyouverymuch! I'm sure small breasted women look great too. The important thing is to not tear each other down to build ourselves up


Hi!

Just kidding. I get your point though.


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## christine30

WOW!! thank you - not only is this for married couple - it is for everyone !!.. I am printing this and or saving this on my phone to remind me of how precious life is - to take it one day at a time.

THANK YOU !!!


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## iBolt

sinnister said:


> With work, kids, mortgage, 2 car payments, and extended family issues there is no way either one of us can follow this list.
> 
> I wish I could but there is just no way.


..then do what works for you two at the pace that you can both keep up with. I think some of the key messages from this piece are that you cannot give what you don't have within in the first place. So, be happy. Feel good in and about yourself first.


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## iBolt

christine30 said:


> WOW!! thank you - not only is this for married couple - it is for everyone !!.. I am printing this and or saving this on my phone to remind me of how precious life is - to take it one day at a time.
> 
> THANK YOU !!!


I am glad you found it useful. You are right that it applies to life in general and to everyone.


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## betulanana

deleted


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## Caribbean Man

betulanana said:


> Edit: My husband also said that he does not need to be respected by me.* In fact in the beginning of our marriage he sometimes asked me to stop idealising as people who idealise other people will be disappointed one day. Not sure how to explain it. *He said that it was important for him gaining other mens respect... but not his wife's because he wants me just to be there and be me... and I think that this is very nice what he said .


I think he meant " Pedestalize " or to put him on a pedestal as if he were a god and could do no wrong.
He wants you to view him as a mortal and an equal , understand that his actions could and would sometimes be disappointing to you.
But he's only human.


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## Wiserforit

FrenchFry said:


> there is no core feminist doctrine


Core doctrine includes the assertion of a definition that can mean whatever you want it to mean at any moment, which is why you cannot have an honest discussion about feminism with a feminist.


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## Cautious1

You no doubt have hundreds of women who have thanked you for this information, the take away message I am initially impressed with after doing a quick read is that in many ways men react the opposite of women??!! For example the parts in red letters describe my husband but I reaction to those behaviours is just the opposite. Anyway I thank you so much for taking the time to compose and write this and I am going to print it and read it every day.


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## Cautious1

I respectfully disagree, it is one of the best synopsis I have ever read. I think as moderator it is important to be open and positive.


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## Onthefenc

I guess ill take an objective opinion here on the body image thing. Women SHOULD compare themselves to others. Believe me, men are, including your spouse. Men are very shallow. The number 1 thing a woman can do to keep a man is to keep herself looking good. Thats not the ONLY thing but it cannot be over estimated. That being said, show me the hottest woman in the world, ill show you a guy whos tired of sleeping with her.


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## Onthefenc

Ill also disagree with the "dont criticize" tip. I want my woman to criticize, if its warranted. If im fat, tell me. If im being lazy, tell me. Now. There is a difference between constructive criticism and nagging. Nagging will get you divorced.


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## nuclearnightmare

northernlights said:


> I was an amazing wife for the first 10 years of our marriage. I was all of those things on that list, plus an excellent cook with a high sex drive.
> 
> My husband treated me like crap. My only mistake was continuing to be a good wife while I worked on the marriage. Now that I'm just done, I don't want to have sex with him any more. That he seems to notice. I wish I hadn't listened to advice that warned against withholding sex to teach him a lesson. I think it's the only thing that might have worked while there was still time. Who knows though, that probably wouldn't have worked either.


One thing that nothing can fix- no matter how amazing one is as a spouse - is the mistake of picking the wrong partner. E.g. some people are just not marriage material - I think sometimes it is just that simple. Some people will torture themselves for years before they realize that.


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## Adelais

I need to print the list off and study it. I'm lousy at knowing what he needs and he is just as lousy at verbalizing it to me.


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## manticore

Wow, I have to admit that the whole thing is pretty accurate and, I am a Little scared of how it can be used for manipulation in the wrong hands (LOL)

no, seriously any woman that follows it full heartily is going to improve her marriage amazingly.


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## lucy mulholland

i disagree strongly with #4 -- the rest...sure, sounds good.

i am getting this feeling i'm one of very few who thinks it's okay and healthy (and totally a normal human thing) to have expectations of people we are in relationship with. not just romantic partners, everyone.

not that they are always "reasonable" but this depends on the two people involved and on their dynamic, and their ability to talk and understand each other.

(plus...sometimes it's hard to give 100%....i want someone who is okay with an off day here and there, as i would be with him)

it's more about connecting on an emotional level for me, and if my man has no expectations of me...what makes me different from any old lady he can pick up at the bar? 

expectations like how you want to be treated, what kind of commitment you've made to each other... kind of important. 

those expectations matter and should be voiced with respect in any relationship worth keeping, in my opinion. unmet expectations are the death of a relationship - you at least need to figure out what your expectations are, and voice them - give it a chance!


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## sh987

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I need to print the list off and study it. I'm lousy at knowing what he needs and he is just as lousy at verbalizing it to me.


Have you guys read "The 5 Love Languages" or "His Needs Her Needs"?


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