# Her sexual past...she won't open up about it



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Am I ever glad I found a sensible message board for some advice. Here's the history...my wife and I dated for about a year when we were in high school and I was her first boyfriend. There was nothing more than a lot of kissing and heavy petting and she was always ready to make out. We split up and never saw each other for close to 15 years. We were both married for a short time (her: two years, me: four years) but neither of us had kids with our exes. We got back together, dated for awhile, got married five years ago and have a beautiful child who is three.

We are both very open and honest about everything except for one thing...she can't seem to open up about her sexual past.

A few months ago I asked the question in a very nonchalant way while we were on the couch watching a movie. She clammed up at first and said she would rather leave the past in the past and live for the present. I became a little upset about her answer and, after telling her to know and love someone unconditionally is to know *everything* about them, she gave in and said she couldn't really remember but it was "probably around 10". She also told me her first time was the result of a date rape in her senior year in high school at a party.

A few weeks later, we were out with 3 or 4 of her lifelong friends for dinner and drinks when the topic came up (I didn't raise it, one of her friends did). When it came time for my wife to answer the question, she kind of froze and looked at me. I pretended to pay no attention and kept my focus on the TV on the wall by our table. After some jabbing from her friends, she softly said "10 or so" to which a couple of them began giggling. One of her friends said "come on! overall total...not an annual total!"

They had been drinking and my wife's number was revised upwards to "I don't really know...15 or 16 maybe?" to which a couple of them had some more giggles and said "ok, but what about after college?".

Her friends were all in the 15-40 range. Myself, I've had 18 partners and I have been forthright with it to her. I can remember all of the experiences, good or bad, and all but maybe 2 or 3 of the names.

Because we grew up and went to school in the same city, we know a lot of the same people our age and it seems as though she dated a lot of guys after me. I know this because we'll often be out at a restaurant or mall and we'll run into someone who stops to say hi and afterwards she tells me they dated for awhile. Then, there's the times where the guy doesn't approach her and a friend of hers at the table will quietly tell me it was one of her exes from college or something.

Like I said, my wife and I seem to be polar opposites on this topic. I need openness and honesty in order to completely devote myself to our relationship whereas she just wants bygones to be bygones and live in the present. We all make mistakes and I harbour absolutely no ill will or jealousy, no matter how many men she has been sexually involved with. It's especially hard not knowing because we knew each other when we were 15 and 16 but there is a black hole of about 15 or 16 years in the middle so its not like I met her for the first time five or six years ago.

How can I get her to be completely honest with me? It's causing a rift between us and I'm starting to get scared that if she isn't being open about this that there's other things she isn't being completely up front about, either.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

OMG.. 
Why cant you leave the past in the past?

What matters to you? What will you do with this information?
What if her number is more than you can handle?

Seriously. Sounds like you got a great marriage. If she's open to you now and you have great communication, what else do you need?

Good for her if she has had a lot of experiences but maybe she does nto feel good about them today. 
That's NOT dishonesty. 
Focus on your life with her... not her past.

Make her feel comfortable (in general) and maybe someday she'll talk but for now, I just dont see what purpose it serves. Your mind is wrapped around not knowing.... knowing may make that restless mind worse.

As you might guess by my signature... this is a topic near and dear to my heart!!

good luck letting her leave her past where it should be.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

You are right, I can't wrap my head around why I need to know this information so badly. Mostly, I guess, it is because I'm genuinely interested in knowing all there is to know about her and would NEVER use any of it against her, EVER! I know bits and pieces about some sordid things from her past that she has inadvertently spilled during a moment of weakness and it has never been brought up again!

As for knowing her true number...the number could be 15 or it could be 150...a number is a number and I'm the last one she has added to the list and I plan to keep it that way. I can't undo the past and neither can she so, while some may say it's a non-issue, I prefer to see it as information that completes us as "one" with each other.

No matter what happens, the bottom line is I loved her 25 years ago, thought about her all the time when we were apart, and love her even more today and will continue to love her until our end days. Nothing will change that.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> As for knowing her true number...the number could be 15 or it could be 150...a number is a number and I'm the last one she has added to the list and I plan to keep it that way. I can't undo the past and neither can she so, while some may say it's a non-issue, I prefer to see it as information that completes us as "one" with each other.
> 
> Im a big fan of that "one with each other" thing, but what could be more relevant than "now". If she feels 1000% percent secure with you, maybe one day she'll just out everything. But the past really does not matter. In fact like her, im suspcisious of your motives. Only saying that because her and i believe that you can love her totally (even for the part that she doesnt want to talk about)...without digging into the past.
> (don't means to write that like we've spoken hahahah)
> ...


*Then just keep doing that and your headed for a sweet long marriage.*


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

You are a wise and intelligent woman, Vino. I have no doubt she is 1000% comfortable with me as I am also 1000% comfortable with her. I'm hoping she opens up sooner rather than later though because it's going to be very, very difficult for me to sweep this under the rug. And we all know that eventually, after its been walked on enough, rugs need to be replaced, right?


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> You are a wise and intelligent woman, Vino. I have no doubt she is 1000% comfortable with me as I am also 1000% comfortable with her. I'm hoping she opens up sooner rather than later though because it's going to be very, very difficult for me to sweep this under the rug. And we all know that eventually, after its been walked on enough, rugs need to be replaced, right?


hahaah laughing... although I LOVE them SOOOOOOO, and my pic indicates otherwise... Im not a lady. Wish i was , they got better toys.

Anyway, good stuff, But no sweeping under the rug, just leave it there, in the past. If she brings it back to you great. Seems like a great lady btw. Have fun.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Be careful what you wish for. There are posts on this board of men who pushed to know the details and once they knew them started freaking out. Getting mad at her for her past, having trouble having sex because they kept picturing her doing things with other men, etc. etc.

You've got her...why does it matter?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your insecurity about how many men she has slept with is not a good feature. 

Just presume that every single day of her life when you were not there she was getting her freak on. And so what!

The important thing is that the two of you are committed to each other now. She owes you no information about the other guys whatsoever.

Just because you tell her your life list is not fair. 

If she is faithful to you and has not given you an STD and loves you, count your blessings.

If she were to have had relations with 10,000 men before you and is now with you and satisfied, doesn't that say a lot?

Stop being so insecure, you'll screw up a good thing.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?

Just askin'...


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Its a tad different. That's a child. 

Can you explain how your example is even connected to her spilling her full sexual history?


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?
> 
> Just askin'...


she might rabbit...but that neither will change all you've shared, all you've been through together and been ther for each other and will continue to do so...


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

It's something painful that I've buried in my past as well (do I regret agreeing to adopting her out? yes!). If she were to broach the subject I'd most definitely be open about it. Just as I would want her to be open about her past. That's how it relates.


----------



## bacala787 (Feb 7, 2010)

Better off without an answer, move past the past and focus on her today!


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> It's something painful that I've buried in my past as well (do I regret agreeing to adopting her out? yes!). If she were to broach the subject I'd most definitely be open about it. Just as I would want her to be open about her past. That's how it relates.


Good, its your right to "bury" (i prefer leave) as it is your's to disclose, as is hers.

And you see then its VERY related. If you have things you may not want to re-live. If you've been open and loving to yoru wife on a daily basis, thats most important! Mind you this is all simply my opinion. For me it makes sense. Who doesnt have a past. How scary, that that might rule your present or future?


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

There is only one person (to my knowledge unless the other has disclosed it, who knows) besides me who knows about what happened 20 years ago and there's only one person I'd ever share it with if I was ever asked about it. I would share it because I trust her with my heart. I wish she felt the same way.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hetfield said:


> So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?
> 
> Just askin'...


This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"

It has nothing to do with your insecurity about her sexual activities prior to your marriage.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I always admitted openly... im a closet lesbian.. I have ALL the symptoms....


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

I'm not insecure about her previous sexual activities at all. I personally know 4 who have come right out and said they were with her. Does this bother me? Not at all. I'm the one that is with her now, not them. I am just curious to know how many more there are out there that can make the same claim.

This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"
---It may be different in terms of context, but is the same as far as not disclosing information to your partner goes.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Or a lesbian trapped in a man's body? :smthumbup:


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

michzz said:


> This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"
> 
> It has nothing to do with your insecurity about her sexual activities prior to your marriage.


true that. 

and still does not impact your ability to love and support each other.

Go jump your wife's bones hetfield, play and stop letting your mind get the better of you.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> Or a lesbian trapped in a man's body? :smthumbup:


Twisted but OH YEA hahahaha

Cept I rather enjoy how the parts I got fit with a girl's, so.... I'll keep the ones i got in the end.

But if i were a girl... im convinved ... i'd still think them the more fun sex!! (and smarter)


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

I would do that if she were here but she is gone until later tonight. That rumbling you feel later tonight??? Ummm...yeah.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bringing this up AFTER you get engaged is simply not fair to her. You had plenty of time back then to ask and you didn't. And if you say to her - what you have been saying to us - that you don't care what the number is but you simply MUST know - she is going to feel scared and she SHOULD.




Hetfield said:


> I would do that if she were here but she is gone until later tonight. That rumbling you feel later tonight??? Ummm...yeah.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> I would do that if she were here but she is gone until later tonight. That rumbling you feel later tonight??? Ummm...yeah.


not sure where you're from but in hillbilly speak from USA some might say...

THAT'S WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT!!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hetfield said:


> I'm not insecure about her previous sexual activities at all. I personally know 4 who have come right out and said they were with her. Does this bother me? Not at all. I'm the one that is with her now, not them. I am just curious to know how many more there are out there that can make the same claim.
> 
> This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"
> ---It may be different in terms of context, but is the same as far as not disclosing information to your partner goes.


What you are doing is driving a wedge between the two of you is you say you are not insecure (a claim I do not believe).

She's not cheating on you, and seems satisfied with you.

So if you are not insecure about it, then why do you suddenly have this need to know?

Despite knowing it makes her uncomfortable to share this information with you?

And your poll, seems to indicate you want to judge whether her numbers are normal or not.

Not good.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

So if you are not insecure about it, then why do you suddenly have this need to know?

It's not a sudden urge to know...I've been curious ever since we got back together (remember, we were together 15 or 16 years previous) and we often agreed that it was just like we had never been apart...but we were and...well, you know what? Maybe, like a car that is in need of repair, I need to get my wiring harness worked on.

*flipping to the therapist page in the phone book*


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hey Hetfield,,,, now since you've agreed to let sleeping dogs lie.. I want to know,,,

HOW come when you thought i was a woman, you were all ready to accept my logic and then when i explained i was a man you went on to question.... ah Sh*t, that's right! Not only are they more fun to play with ... they're smarter than we are... F**k

as you were.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> So if you are not insecure about it, then why do you suddenly have this need to know?
> 
> It's not a sudden urge to know...I've been curious ever since we got back together (remember, we were together 15 or 16 years previous) and we often agreed that it was just like we had never been apart...but we were and...well, you know what? Maybe, like a car that is in need of repair, I need to get my wiring harness worked on.
> 
> *flipping to the therapist page in the phone book*


STOP IT!! hahaa nothing needs to be repaired except that "runaway" mind. 

Nobody talk to hetfield ANYmore if he brings up his wife's past!!!!

teasing bud


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Did I question your logic? I don't think so...I agreed with your logic. But, you are right. They are more fun to play with and definitely a helluva lot smarter than we are.

So, a female therapist it is!


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

So, when I do eventually find out...even if it requires me to have the nurse lift me out of the bed and wheel me down to the nursing home's computer room in the year 2056, I will find this post, look back on it and laugh.

The only thing left to hope for is a hottie nurse!


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> So, when I do eventually find out...even if it requires me to have the nurse lift me out of the bed and wheel me down to the nursing home's computer room in the year 2056, I will find this post, look back on it and laugh.
> 
> The only thing left to hope for is a hottie nurse!


ahh by 2056 you going to be on the front lawn in your boxers holding a fishing pole with a drool bucket under your chin hahahaha

but hopefully also LONG forgot this discussion and your fixation of it.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> Did I question your logic? I don't think so...I agreed with your logic. But, you are right. They are more fun to play with and definitely a helluva lot smarter than we are.
> 
> So, a female therapist it is!


just dont stare at her boobs,,,, they get nervous.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Therapist is booked for March.
Labotomy is booked for later on in April just in case the therapist goes on vacation instead.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> Therapist is booked for March.
> Labotomy is booked for later on in April just in case the therapist goes on vacation instead.


awsome. thats the way to think!! haha


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Well Vino, Star et.al.

It happened. We spent an evening in the tub together just discussing everything from the state of our work lives to what plans we have for the summer months. The subject then turned sexual and we went back and forth asking each other minor questions...likes, dislikes, etc.

I spoke about how I wish she would be more open about her sexual desires and maybe toss out a fantasy or two my way. We kept things light, for the most part, but as we got a little deeper into the conversation (and added more hot water) I nonchalantly put the question out there again.

And she answered.

Maybe it was the two or three glasses of wine she had as we sat in the tub together or maybe it was the fact she was all revved up and ready to get busy (or maybe it was both), but she gave what I think is an honest answer.

At first she seemed quite embarrassed about it, even making the remark "we all have done some things we all regret" and "everyone has a past...some are just a little more forgettable than others though". I asked her to pause, just lie there, take her time and count them all up. After about a minute of quiet reflection, she said "if I answer this, you promise not to be mad or hold it against me, right?". Of course, my answer was "no, never...I feel secure enough with our relationship to never, ever bring this up again, no matter what."

Then she gave me the number.

And the sex that night was never hotter...and the sex the next night was even better.

Incidentally, even though I promised her I'd never raise the issue again, funny thing happened and she raised it a few times during our romps. Almost as if she was turned on knowing I was turned on knowing about her former lovers. Definitely worth the wait and thanks for all the advice to everyone who posted here!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

More than your 18 I'd wager. There is a lot to be said for experience.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Saying "Here I am now, so you MUST spill it all out" - probably stuff that she doesn't even want to remember seems very selfish and that you are more interested in being judgmental or critical than you are of being loving. 

Coming together in a loving way does not obligate one to "Confess" to the other. Now, if there were an STD or possible risk of that, then that should definitely be shared - but that's the ONLY thing that needs to be shared. The past is not about intimacy with you because who she was THEN is not the lady you are with now.

Allow her to deal with HER past in her way. Chances are, it's very painful for her and she would prefer to not invite it into her life with you. Please respect that.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hetfield said:


> Well Vino, Star et.al.
> 
> It happened. We spent an evening in the tub together just discussing everything from the state of our work lives to what plans we have for the summer months. The subject then turned sexual and we went back and forth asking each other minor questions...likes, dislikes, etc.
> 
> ...



OUT F*CKING Standing!!!
NICE job...

And if you ever bring it up in a negative way. me and my female presona will HUNT YOU DOWN!!!


hahah Thanks so much for posting back.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Just so you're very clear it was her gift to you to share that...

NOT obligation

well now we want to know HOW MANY?????


Kidding. Dont even think about it


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

Yes, I am blessed that we have started to learn more about each other in a non-judgemental way. We've both agreed that it's best to have things out in the open so that going forward if there are ever any problems from either of our pasts, we will know enough about the other to be there in a supportive way.

And, for your info. Vino...you can put to rest the female persona and not worry about hunting me down. The last thing I'm ever going to do is hold that information against her. She is, after all, my wife and soulmate.

Finally, all I'm going to say is her number is somewhere between 10 and 40. 




63Vino said:


> Just so you're very clear it was her gift to you to share that...
> 
> NOT obligation
> 
> ...


----------



## onelove619 (Mar 27, 2010)

I know the issue has been settled in your case Hetfield, which is great by the way, but I'd like to bring a different view to the table. I think a lot of people will benefit from this post and it is a topic that I believe is more common than not. 

Most of the responses have been one sided and cater to the womans feelings. This day and age though men are not the emotionless, insensitive toughguys our fathers used to be.We are realizing that it is ok to be sensitive and open. It is a new day and age and I think for the most part we can all agree that this is a change for the better.

I think it is unfair to Hetfield and others like him, myself being one, to simply say "the past is the past." It is perfectly normal to have curiosity about the past. Men naturally want to know how they rank up against their competititors for lack of a better term. why do you think we have competition for every damn thing out there. I think in your case as is the best way, you are going about it very maturely. As long as one is mature in their nature of curiosity I see nothing wrong with adressing it. 

Also the big word here is "insecure." Everyone likes to talk about it like its some sort of disease you have. So what if your insecure? Thats a perfectly normal feeling. I'll be damned if there isn't a person on here who has never been insecure. It is a temporary feeling of scaredness and it doesn't define you. It can make you stronger if you learn to embrace it and confront it.

With that being said I feel that the mans feelings should be regarded as well as the womans. I feel that if she loves you like you say she does. She will have no problem getting out of her comfort zone to have a mature adult conversation to help relieve you of the thoughts running through your head and get that security or whatever it is you are seeking back. 

The main point here is that as long as everyone is non judgemental and mature there has to be a point where two people can compromise. Bsides if the past is the simply "the past", then whats the big deal with talking about it?

And, as this example shows, it actually did some good and brought you two closer together. Who would of thought. Thats exactly what all the doctors say on there writing about this topic. 

I hope my 2 cents helps someone.


----------



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

You are absolutely correct when you say it has brought us closer together. I think some people jumped too quickly and simply thought I was trying to squeeze the "number" out of her so I could use it against her at a later date or that I had some other cruel motive in mind. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am not ashamed to admit I am madly in love with my wife and always will be. We met when we were both still in grade school, we dated for a year or so and, because of our age difference, broke up as I was nearing the end of high school (I was 17, she was 15). We never saw each other for about 15 years after that. When we did get back together, sparks flew and we both commented that it was if we had never really been apart.

Thing is, although I wanted to be, I wasn't her first. I wasn't her second...or third...or fourth. It's probably because we had been apart that I feel like I need to know this information to make everything feel complete (to me, anyway).

I have told her how I feel, why I feel the way I do and what she can do to strengthen the bond we have. She dismissed it initially, but after apparently thinking about it for awhile, began to open up and share more about her past than just her "number". She has agreed that this has made us stronger together and is glad she was finally able to get some things off her chest, so to speak.

I do not advocate this for everyone, though. Only under the right circumstances will this be a benefit. Like many who posted here, opening up pandora's box like this more often than not results in a ton of resentment and jealousy. For myself, I knew going in why I wanted to know and what I would do with the information I was given (which is still flowing out on a regular basis BTW...and I'll be the first to tell you I'm shocked in a good way at some of the stuff but not so surprised at other things).

As for my own insecurity, yes, I was emotionally abused by an ex in the past and it caused me years of pain and anxiety, especially around women afterwards. I have been open and forthcoming when asked by my wife about it and it has helped my healing process immensely. I think she understood how much it helped me that she saw her openness with me as a way of healing her past wounds as well.

And, for Vino...if you're reading this pal: what number does Javier Vazquez of the Yankees wear? ;-)


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

My husband loves to talk with me about his past. I do not mind either, but he is the one who doesn't want me to talk about my past.
Some things are better left untold. The more you know, the more insecure you will feel about your relationship. 
Maybe she is not proud of herself, of her choices that she made in her past. You are only making her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she is trying to forget that past and focusing more in her present life.

I don't understand how your friends can ask you to talk of your relationships that you had with other men in front of your husband? Do they know if she feels comfortable to talk in front of her husband, or how her husband will react when he hears about things that he doesn't know, or doesn't want to hear?!


----------



## FebStars (Jun 29, 2009)

I find it strange how many people jump to the conclusion that it is his self esteem that makes him need to know this information. Myself, I think it's not self esteem, it's for a greater connection. 

I've heard of many couples go through life where all they share is "how's the weather", superficial smalltalk. Life is deep, why live in a shallow connection?

Imagine the connection you have with someone else when you share your deepest secrets. Remember, best friends share their deepest secrets.


----------



## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I think it's very easy for questions about a partners sexual history to be seen to be taking a purient interest...

I really don't understand why you need to know the details of her sexual history or felt the need to push the interest once it became clear she didn't want to discuss it..

I think a lot of people like to be discrete in their sex lives, and when they move on ... they move on and don't feel the need to rehash stuff....

It's very easy to over-analyse incidents, to start throwing around psychological terms and what not... previous people have already said it the past is past


----------



## supermad30 (May 12, 2012)

i have had that same problem with my wife im asked her about her past and she really doesn't want to but i feel like hetfeild i feel like knowing her past would bring us closer


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

The past is the past for a reason, if you keep living in it, you will ruin not only the present but also the future. I think deep relationships that left an impact on a person emotionally should be discussed, everything else is irrelevant... you can assume, if she had issues with her father, her number is high, as she went thru some issues finding out what real love was as a teen/early adult. ANd move ON! YOU are the one she married, YOU are the one she chose to have children with, YOU are the one she chose to spend the rest of her life with, the others mean nothing.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Hetfield said:


> You are right, I can't wrap my head around why I need to know this information so badly. Mostly, I guess, it is because I'm genuinely interested in knowing all there is to know about her and would NEVER use any of it against her, EVER! I know bits and pieces about some sordid things from her past that she has inadvertently spilled during a moment of weakness and it has never been brought up again!
> 
> As for knowing her true number...the number could be 15 or it could be 150...a number is a number and I'm the last one she has added to the list and I plan to keep it that way. I can't undo the past and neither can she so, while some may say it's a non-issue, I prefer to see it as information that completes us as "one" with each other.
> *
> No matter what happens, the bottom line is I loved her 25 years ago, thought about her all the time when we were apart, and love her even more today and will continue to love her until our end days. Nothing will change that*.


:iagree::iagree: 

I wonder if your need to know is fueled by male insecurity and wanting to judge. 

Only my husband knows how many men I have had and I did not even tell him. I told men in the past and they were very rude to me after they found out-felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter.

A woman should never tell a man how many men she has bedded, unless she was a virgin bride. I believe this because most men judge women very harshly for being just as sexual as any male. Sad but true.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Bringing this up AFTER you get engaged is simply not fair to her. You had plenty of time back then to ask and you didn't. And if you say to her - what you have been saying to us - that you don't care what the number is but you simply MUST know - she is going to feel scared and she SHOULD.


Incorrect. Engagement time is the time when you learn all the dirty little secrets, when you clean out all the closets. when you _learn_ about your partner.

Things in the past tend to jump into the present when you aren't looking.

i dont think its wrong for the OP to know his SO's sexual history to a degree - he should know anything that can/will affect any aspect of their relationships (e.g. if she was raped/molested) if she is liable to (self) destructive behaviors with regards to sex or if any of her past liaisons are known to the OP or are in her life.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> I wonder if your need to know is fueled by male insecurity and wanting to judge.
> 
> ...



I find most women are more sexual than their male counterparts


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Openness and honesty is one of the emotional needs in a marriage. This thread is old but I wanted to point out that some people do want to know as much as they can about their partner. It doesn't sound like it was out of insecurity, just a part of her life that she was hiding and he didn't know why. I think I would feel strange if my h and I couldn't be open about our sexual histories. I have been with more people than he has and he has no issue with that. 
I will say off topic that the number of people someone has been with has very little to do with how good they are in bed. Just by the way...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I wouldnt leap to its not being "open and honest" just because you dont wish to think about or talk about every aspect of your past including sexual past with your spouse..and based on her sort of vaguness "not sure maybe 10" then the # was 'maybe 15' ..it could be she honest to God doesnt REMEMBER maybe thats as good as it gets on the open and honesty front?...I think its sort of mean if she is more content to NOT start digging in the cobwebs of her mind trying to remember things she is more happy to NOT bring to her forefront of her memory to say shes not being "open and honest"..Maybe she doesnt WANT to think about it?And like I said maybe even if she did she still doesnt remember exactly..

The only reason I would think it was important to stress going on a 'life review" like that with someone who was hesitant to that is if she was sexaully repressed because of it..if it was causing an issue for her and remembering in order to let go of it once and for all woudl help her..

I to be frank would resent my husband if he told me he would or could not ever fully accept me unless he new every detail he ever wanted to know about every aspect of what was in my mind..and by the way Im an open and honest person..

Just becasue she may not want to think about those things and then further talk about them doesnt mean shes "hiding" it..If she wanted to hide the truth she could just pick a decent # that sounded "realistic' and make up a few non eventful /"unremarkable details to get him off her back about it..Myabe thats what she should have done instead of beign treated like shes is "dishonest" just becasue she doesnt want to talk about it..

just my 02..

Dallas


----------



## onetimer6804 (Oct 19, 2012)

Hetfield said:


> How can I get her to be completely honest with me? It's causing a rift between us and I'm starting to get scared that if she isn't being open about this that there's other things she isn't being completely up front about, either.


don't make her feel cheap and dirty about it. Tell her how its part of her - and you love her for who she is.


----------



## onetimer6804 (Oct 19, 2012)

Hetfield said:


> Yes, I am blessed that we have started to learn more about each other in a non-judgemental way. We've both agreed that it's best to have things out in the open so that going forward if there are ever any problems from either of our pasts, we will know enough about the other to be there in a supportive way.
> 
> And, for your info. Vino...you can put to rest the female persona and not worry about hunting me down. The last thing I'm ever going to do is hold that information against her. She is, after all, my wife and soulmate.
> 
> Finally, all I'm going to say is her number is somewhere between 10 and 40.


Im late to the party. Yes this sounds awesome. Your wife sounds like a real hottie.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

The past is the past because time flies away and not because it's something to forget about. So let's not act as if it was a seperate entity. People can and should be accountable for what they did in the past.
It is also everything that made the person who he is today. So if anything, it's as important as any other criteria.

I think I understand why would Hetfield want to know. And it can be for other reasons than insecurity or to judge her. If I was walking around with my wife and stranger men come to say hi and they were her exes, I would definetly want to know how many partners she did have. 

But Hetfield, you have to understand that she isn't ready to tell you about it. I think that your need to know is legitimate but not your pushing. She may be uncomfortable because she's afraid YOU would judge her or would think less of her.
She may be uncomfortable to talk about it because she used to pick guys to fill some kind of void or anything. Because she believes that she isn't that person anymore and that she tries to forget about the past.

I think that since all your lines of communcation are open and working, and she has an issue with this matter especially, than you'll have to be patient.
If you're able to be patient, then you're right. I think that you are like any man would like to know the past of the woman he's sharing his present and future with.
If you can't wait for her to open about it, then the reason that pushes you to know is something else. And it may cause your marriage to suffer. Use the time that she'll take to be comfortable answering you to work on accepting the worst answer to you.

You have the right to not be comfortable with your wife's sexual past. But you should work on how to accept it and not use it against her. Being a good husband is to face what you consider as issues face on, and work on how to make them go away or the reasons inside you that makes you feel that way, not to not give a s*it what you wife was doing prior to meeting you.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Old old thread.

But I think that most of the posters are mostly wrong.

Let's say that his wife was a nymphomaniac (I know, they don't exist)

Let's say SHE had a few babies she didn't want to talk about and put them up for adoption.

Let's say she's had so many STD's that the normal antibiotics don't work anymore.

Let's say she had a TORRID affair with a guy...who broke up with HER...who came back into her life and she threw over her CURRENT boyfriend to latch onto him...and he broke up with her again...and NOW he was in the picture again. 

There are MANY self destructive, dangerous and embarrassing things in a person's past which are dangerous and disrespectful to allow to lie untouched.

BUT...that time is BEFORE the "I do"s, not after. Hetfield, you did not do your due diligence.

If my wife had a hot and heavy affair with guy...and suddenly, through quirk of fate she suddenly is working with him again and they need to take some business trips together, I God Damn WELL better know about this before hand!


----------



## Poet (Oct 20, 2012)

Not sure if this is better in a seperate thread... 

How do people feel about wanting to know the past of infidelity to a previous partner? Does it become a "right" to know absolutely everything? It can still be driven by insecurity of course. 

This is in the context of no grounds for suspicion that they have been unfaithful to you.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The time to discuss matters like this is BEFORE marriage.

I just can't understand that logic which states that a person enquiring about his / her partner's past makes them insecure.
I think it makes them a wise person.

People who don't want to own up to their past are selfish and insecure. They are afraid of being judged. But if you are with someone who judges you by your past, then you may need to reconsider being with that person.

Anyone who lies about their past cannot be trusted.

A person should be able to own their past, be self confident enough to be in control of their present circumstance and chart a new course for the future.
If you are ashamed of your past then condemn it.
But lots of people still hold the same values that held in their past.
That is why they hide it.
Therin lies the problem.


----------



## virggirl (Aug 27, 2012)

Don't get her to reveal it. My H thought I was only with one guy, then I told him about another, then about a MFF threesome I had, which led into him finding out about a MFMF foursome; and the other solo guy I had. Not a big total, but enough to drive him crazy, thinking I had only been with 1 guy. He also was NONSTOP with annoying questions asking for details. Made me feel like he would have rather taken part in a threesome with me than marry me, because I told him I would never do that stuff with him. Which made him more mad, because he couldn't understand why I wouldn't share that experience with him, if I did it "for" someone I didn't care about. Duh!! I don't want the guy I married watch me get plowed by another man and have him look at me like a ****, which those guys surely did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> The time to discuss matters like this is BEFORE marriage.
> 
> I just can't understand that logic which states that a person enquiring about his / her partner's past makes them insecure.
> I think it makes them a wise person.
> ...


Wisdom speaks again... you are so good at cutting through the









This sums up my thoughts too...perfectly. :smthumbup:


----------



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I understand this very well. My W was hesitant about opening up in the beginning when we started dating. I normally dont like engaging in that kind of conversation when I would date a woman. My auto man would kick in and then based on what you tell me and that activity that woman dived in to, thats how you got treated. If you're number was higher than mine then I was going to treat you like S***. If you did anything like MFF or especially MFM, you are definitely going to be on that train secretly with me lol. Now I understand where Virggirl was saying about not experiencing those sexual aspects with you husband. Thats right! No way in hell I would invite a friend or a random male to plow my W or her sucking him off in front me. Idk how swingers do it. When I was single, I was perfectly fine doing that with a friend of mine and a female I could give two cents about knowing it was strictly short term or nothing more than sex. I'd still consider the MFF thing with my W but I know she couldn't entertain the same thought of me plowing a woman or licking or being sucked by another woman. You just have to be logical. The hard part with that though is when they tell you how they treated some other guy like a king or they did all this crazy fun stuff with him that they never considered or did with you. Thats when it gets painful. I would think yeah we all come across somebody we are really attracted to and desire once or twice in our lives that we go the extra sexual mile for. At the same time I would think you would definitely remove those boundaries with the person you marry. This is who you will spend the rest of your life, you should experience every crazy, weird thing with that person. Idk why people think things are suppose to die down or become civil with the person you married. Almost like you ran out of fun because you gave it to someone or everybody else before your spouse. Get over that hump and get crazy with your spouse!


----------



## onetimer6804 (Oct 19, 2012)

virggirl said:


> Don't get her to reveal it. My H thought I was only with one guy, then I told him about another, then about a MFF threesome I had, which led into him finding out about a MFMF foursome; and the other solo guy I had. Not a big total, but enough to drive him crazy, thinking I had only been with 1 guy. He also was NONSTOP with annoying questions asking for details. Made me feel like he would have rather taken part in a threesome with me than marry me, because I told him I would never do that stuff with him. Which made him more mad, because he couldn't understand why I wouldn't share that experience with him, if I did it "for" someone I didn't care about. Duh!! I don't want the guy I married watch me get plowed by another man and have him look at me like a ****, which those guys surely did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


your husband sounds like me in the beginning. my wife wasn't upfront at first, and I kept asking and snooping. It drove me nuts before - somehow i would trick her into talking about details. She would fall into it - reveal some more.

the funny thing - after a long time, i realized that i am actually getting off on this fact about her. I actually love her for being so desirable and so willing to please her ex boyfriends. 

So nowadays, after 11 years of marriage - she knows how to spark me up. She'll just slip in our conversation how she remembers how her ex did this one time - and we rush into the bedroom and explode.


----------



## bg 600 (Aug 8, 2013)

63Vino said:


> OMG..
> Why cant you leave the past in the past?
> 
> What matters to you? What will you do with this information?
> ...


********* Complete and utter hogwash !
This subject is near and dear to my heart as well. People who advise that one ought to leave the past in the past do not understand men at all. A marriage to one person is the GREATEST sacrifce a man will ever make. Marriage, a home and children are a woman's primary fantasy not a man's. A man sacrifces his most prized possesion- HIS FREEDOM. He has the right to know EVERYTHING. What does he do with this information ? He makes a judgement call as he should be allowed to do. If overtime he finds that he cannot handle the data he should get a divorce. If he can then it should not be brought up again. I feel that lying is the worse crime. He is being cheated of information he needs to make a decision.
Divorce hurts but living a life " under the gun" for years is worse.


----------

