# A Question Regarding My Estranged Husband ...



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

A brief history: I am 57, H 54, married 28 years, one DD21 (orphaned niece by marriage, living with us since age 6), we are both working professionals (engineers) that retired in 2010. The marriage has been technically sexless since year 3, by his choice. There has been no infidelity that I am aware of and, there is no OW/OM now. He has been emotionally/verbally abusive with frequent bouts of uncontrolled (scary) anger for the last 15 or so years. He has never hurt me physically. He does not share his thoughts so I do not know what his anger is about. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2011 and decided then that I had had enough and needed to be alone to heal. Both of us are life-long athletes with healthy diets so we are both fit with no health problems as of yet. There are no financial problems; we are financially more than fine living together or apart.

I have recently moved out of our home and am living in a nearby city (30 minute drive). Our marriage has been in a sort of stalemate for many years, I tried many things to re-engage him in the marriage without success (MC, IC for me, marriage programs/books, changed communication styles). I told him 2 years ago, after our DD was settled in university, that I thought it best if we lived apart and he seemed to agree. It took me 18 months to find an appropriate place for me to live; he knew what my plans were because I never hid them from him. I do not care whether we divorce or not (he knows this); I love him but I just cannot live with him any longer.

My current problem is that he is freaking-the-fvck-out (via texts) … not eating, anxiety, mea culpa’s, guilt trips, etc. I am very worried about him. My question is do you think if I sent him to TAM for support it would help him? I am thinking it might be good for him to receive input/support from MEM, HappyMan, Bfree and some of the other good people on TAM.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

By all means, send him here. If he truly wants to change and let go of his anger (and whatever else is going on inside his head) he will find plenty of good advice here.

However, he has to WANT to hear the advice and be open to it, but it sounds like he has a lot of trouble being open and receptive to advice.

Soooo... if he comes here, he will likely NOT be prepared for what he's going to hear. And he d*mn sure will not like it.

Glad you moved out and are moving forward with your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he comes here, would stay as well?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If he comes here, would stay as well?


Yes I would stay, but I would refrain from posting on his threads unless he or someone else on his thread wants to hear from me.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I know that he may not be ready to take any advice, we'll see. I mostly am hoping that he can be helped with the anxiety and panic that he is expressing. Frankly, I am gob-smacked by his reaction to my leaving because I truly did not think he cared one way or the other. 

I am not going to list his "sins" so to speak, he knows which behaviors of his are unacceptable because he has heard it in MC from the therapist. I am not sure he believes any of it because he has stated many times, in and out of therapy, that he knows I am "strong" and I should be able to deal with his behavior without letting it upset me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> ...he knows I am "strong" and I should be able to deal with his behavior without letting it upset me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I know you want to help but personally I think at this point you need to move on with your life and let him take care of his. As long as you have this tie to him it's going to hold you back. You can't 'fix' him. He needs to do that on his own. In the meantime I think you're in a kind of limbo. 

Although you seem to have you mind made up and probably don't want to hear it. I think you should put an end to the marriage officially. It seems as though it's dead anyhow. You have so much life ahead of you. Start living for yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I know you want to help but personally I think at this point you need to move on with your life and let him take care of his. As long as you have this tie to him it's going to hold you back. You can't 'fix' him. He needs to do that on his own. In the meantime I think you're in a kind of limbo.
> 
> Although you seem to have you mind made up and probably don't want to hear it. I think you should put an end to the marriage officially. It seems as though it's dead anyhow. You have so much life ahead of you. Start living for yourself.


This. Just cut the cord. Start doing the 180, ignore any texts or contact unless you NEED to deal with it, and respond when you feel like (preferably hours or days later). Stop worrying about fixing him. 

C


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think it would be great for him to come here. And I think it's a good sign that he's showing some reaction to your leaving. Some people really only seem to wake up that way, when there's a drastic change.

And I think it's very compassionate on your part to think of helping him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Red,

Happy to talk to him. In the meantime I'll make an observation.

There was enough love to bind you to him for most of your adult life despite his sexual disinterest. 

On the flip side, he loved you enough (read a LOT), to stay married despite your pressure for him to resume a sexual relatinship and slow burn anger at him for refusing.

You are the injured party, and that injury reached a point where it became possible for you to leave him fairly easily. 

He didn't try to prevent you, because he full well knew why you are leaving him. But his love hasn't been eroded by a lifetime of rejection. It's still strong. 

He really does love you, just doesn't like sex. 
------------

Short - true - story. 

This guy comes to TAM with a story. At the ten year point in his marriage his wife becomes a Buddhist - tells him she has transcended sex. 

So - that was the first lie she told him. The truth was, she got tired of sex, and used Buddhism to justify a complete end to their sex life. 

He begs, pleads, etc. He's a bit - fixated on fixing her. Because in his words: other then sex she was perfect. 

But over the next ten years, she never has sex with him. Not once. She catches him going to see call girls. He begs forgiveness and she forgives. But in year ten of their sexless marriage, he gets caught having an affair with her best friend. 

She flips out and files. He doesn't fight her at all. They divorce. 

But now - we've reached the moment of truth. He begins to date. And she begins trying to find a romantic partner who wants everything except sex. 

After a year she accepts that it is vary hard/almost impossible to find someone who will love you like her ex H, with no expectation of more than a hug. 






Red Sonja said:


> A brief history: I am 57, H 54, married 28 years, one DD21 (orphaned niece by marriage, living with us since age 6), we are both working professionals (engineers) that retired in 2010. The marriage has been technically sexless since year 3, by his choice. There has been no infidelity that I am aware of and, there is no OW/OM now. He has been emotionally/verbally abusive with frequent bouts of uncontrolled (scary) anger for the last 15 or so years. He has never hurt me physically. He does not share his thoughts so I do not know what his anger is about. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2011 and decided then that I had had enough and needed to be alone to heal. Both of us are life-long athletes with healthy diets so we are both fit with no health problems as of yet. There are no financial problems; we are financially more than fine living together or apart.
> 
> I have recently moved out of our home and am living in a nearby city (30 minute drive). Our marriage has been in a sort of stalemate for many years, I tried many things to re-engage him in the marriage without success (MC, IC for me, marriage programs/books, changed communication styles). I told him 2 years ago, after our DD was settled in university, that I thought it best if we lived apart and he seemed to agree. It took me 18 months to find an appropriate place for me to live; he knew what my plans were because I never hid them from him. I do not care whether we divorce or not (he knows this); I love him but I just cannot live with him any longer.
> 
> My current problem is that he is freaking-the-fvck-out (via texts) … not eating, anxiety, mea culpa’s, guilt trips, etc. I am very worried about him. My question is do you think if I sent him to TAM for support it would help him? I am thinking it might be good for him to receive input/support from MEM, HappyMan, Bfree and some of the other good people on TAM.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wait...

You haven't had sex for 25 years?!


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Wait...
> 
> You haven't had sex for 25 years?!


:lol: Mostly self-service, however he did "service" me once in a while ... currently in an 8 month dry spell, it varied.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

MEM, I was in the "talk and hope it will get better" cycle for about 15 years, then I gave up on our sexual relationship. After that point I stayed for DD; she was traumatized enough in her early life that she needed "safe and steady".

My choices were my own and I do not regret them, but I am now ready to move on in life.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You don't care about finalizing divorce?

YOU SHOULD

End it and start healing, this way you will be ONE step closer to deserving what you have been missing for 30 years.....REAL companionship/partner/husband.

Husband that is not willing to be intimate with you and love you is not a REAL husband (I'm sorry).

Fact that you are already tired of his crap and living away only validates that.

I just wish you would've done this MANY years ago.....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Red,
I truly hope you inferred no criticism from my post. 

You are a good person who was badly deceived. 

I am not a big fan of open marriages because they don't tend to last. That said, I'm genuinely curious.

What would you have done if your H had said 25 years ago: Red, I do love you. I just don't like sex. I've tolerated it until now, but I don't want to keep doing it. 

That said, it's not fair for me to try and force celibacy on you. I won't complain if you go find a lover, just be discrete. 

And P.S.: I don't want a lover. Really don't much like sex. Please don't try to fix me, this is just how I am wired. 





Red Sonja said:


> MEM, I was in the "talk and hope it will get better" cycle for about 15 years, then I gave up on our sexual relationship. After that point I stayed for DD; she was traumatized enough in her early life that she needed "safe and steady".
> 
> My choices were my own and I do not regret them, but I am now ready to move on in life.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Red,
> I truly hope you inferred no criticism from my post.
> 
> You are a good person who was badly deceived.
> ...


I do not offend easily, don't worry about that.

If my H had said the above I would have divorced him. Open marriage is not for me, not fair to the 3rd party you bring into the marriage and a horrendous example to children.

He liked sex well enough for the 5 years prior to and 3 years after marriage to fool me; after that he just shut down and I have no idea why. I have learned that he is passive-aggressive by nature and those types withhold sex to punish.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Red,
I understand your viewpoint on this. 

While this is an unpopular mindset on TAM, I have a somewhat different perspective regarding monogamy. 

I'd summarize our marital monogamy as: Strongly preferred unless it becomes temporarily untenable. 

I've never cheated. Never wanted to. That said, M2 has always pushed boundaries. It's part of her psych makeup to do so. Maybe 3-5 times in 25 years she has played the sexual shutdown card. I can't say if this is passive/aggressive or aggressive/aggressive. Don't really care. My response is always the same: 

I don't want you to do anything you do not want to do. I'm not going to D you over sex, because at core, I love you. I'm not wired for celibacy so I'll outsource until you tell me you want to resume a normal sex life with me. 

This was simply a good faith offer to relieve her from a responsibility that she described as onerous. 





Red Sonja said:


> I do not offend easily, don't worry about that.
> 
> If my H had said the above I would have divorced him. Open marriage is not for me, not fair to the 3rd party you bring into the marriage and a horrendous example to children.
> 
> He liked sex well enough for the 5 years prior to and 3 years after marriage to fool me; after that he just shut down and I have no idea why. I have learned that he is passive-aggressive by nature and those types withhold sex to punish.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Red, I say invite him in and let him have a look around. 
His reaction is nearly like you did a 180 on him.
Maybe there is some hope...a small glimmer maybe.

He may have all kinds of agreements in his head about your sex life that need to come to light...or he may be sexually nonexistent.

Either way...he is showing signs of distress and THATS when people grow as people.

Love your screen name by the way...


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Love your screen name by the way...


Thanks it's a throwback to my university days ... my dormitory floor was known as the "Hall of Super Heroes" because an artistic friend painted life-size super hero portraits on all the room doors. Mine was Red Sonja because that's who I reminded him of ... I was a tall, athletic/muscular baseball player and power lifter in those days.

The name stuck and sort of followed me around after that.


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