# Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy



## nomoretogive

I am married to a man that has been driving me crazy for the past eight years. I have stayed simply because it has taken me this long to figure out what was happening.

For the past seven years, I have been focused on building my business and raising my kids, homeschooling them, et cetera -- my oldest has ADHD and a learning disability -- and even though I knew something was wrong with my marriage, I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Honestly, I didn't have time to figure it out, either. 

Everyone thought my husband was great...and he is, when he's around other people. At home, however, is a completely different story. It's like having a rebellious teenager in the house. After doing some reading, I stumbled across some articles on passive-aggressive people, and the light bulb went off -- THAT is what's been going on here. I issued an ultimatum that he either seek counseling to try to work on some of his behaviors or I was filing for divorce.

In true passive-aggressive style, he went to the intake appointment to appease me, spent two hours with the counselor, who after talking with him said, "Um, yeah, you are definitely passive-aggressive, and it's no wonder your wife is at her wit's end with you. Do you not realize how destructive you are being with your behavior?" Even hearing it from a professional doesn't seem to have sunk in. Of course, all I hear now is, "I'm going to counseling to work on my issues," but yet that's all he is doing. He's going there, sure, I suspect only to pacify me, but he isn't even trying to correct his behavior; if anything, it's gotten worse and more blatant since he initially started seeing the counselor and then using the excuse "counseling can take years, and I'm just getting started. It will be like this for a while, yet." 

Just some examples:

I will ask him to make a repair around the house -- aka water leaking through dining room ceiling from upstairs bath -- and he will promise to take care of it. Well, that's been going on for seven months. Every time I call in a repairman, he throws a fit and calls to cancel the appointment, swearing he will fix it this time. The water is still coming through the ceiling.

If I get really busy with client work, I will ask him to drop bills off at the post office -- we have a problem with kids stealing stuff out of mailboxes in the neighborhood. He will agree, leave the house, come back and swear he did it....except I get shut-off notices because the bills never make it to their destination. I cancelled our online bill pay two years ago after being victims of identity theft and went back to the old fashioned way of paying bills. 

He blames me for everything -- literally. He refuses to take any responsibility for himself, and even when seeming to, somehow manages to still make it my fault. When I can get him to admit he's done something wrong, he will say, "Yeah, but it's your fault because you (insert one of a million excuses here)." 

We have separate checking accounts because he is reckless with money, and our joint account was always off by at least $1,000 a month. I can't live like that, so I separated our money. Since doing that, however, he has not paid a single bill -- not for household expenses, not for the kids, et cetera. When I ask him why he thinks it is okay not to contribute, he says, "Well, I buy groceries sometimes." He is 40 years old, with a full-time job that pays well, and honestly doesn't see the problem with a grown man not supporting his family. 

He has zero sense of direction, no ambition and no sense of self. We have a friend from a foreign country, and any time he is around him, he will come home and talk with an accent for the next week. He was recently talking to someone who is a die-hard biker guy, and now he runs around calling everybody "brother" in a really gruff voice. I honestly don't know who is going to walk in the door every day, personality-wise. An approach that worked yesterday won't work today. It's like I'm dealing with 100 different personalities, and racing around trying to make them all happy, and I'm exhausted.

The kids have started joking that we need to get him an iPhoneS so that Siri can tell him how wonderful he is every day, because we are tired of being expected to be his personal cheerleaders. He needs admiration like you wouldn't believe. He reminds me of a cat bringing the owner a mouse and being proud of itself and waiting for approval. 

I have tried everything I can over the last several years to make this marriage work: I have gone to therapy myself -- 2 years and running -- to deal with some anger/resentment issues and to learn different ways to approach him and our marriage. I have given him complete freedom; I have been the ball and chain. I have spoken nicely to him, and I have lost my temper. I have prayed, cried, and prayed some more. I am Catholic and have always said I would not walk away from my marriage until I had tried everything possible to make it work. I just don't know how much longer I can live like this. His sense of entitlement and unwillingness to accept responsibility have been witnessed by my children for years, and my oldest is now in trouble with the law, telling me, "Well, he does stuff like that all the time and gets away with it. Fix it for me the way you do for him."

I have driven myself to the point of a breakdown, literally, to pay all of the bills, take care of our kids, homeschool both of them, et cetera. I get absolutely zero help around the house -- he says he works all day and he is not going to work all night, too -- and my older son and I are doing all of the housework, lawn work, et cetera. I do not want to live the rest of my life on antidepressants, but they are honestly the only thing holding me together right now. 

It sounds terrible, but at least if I divorced him, I would get child support, which is more help financially than I get now with him living in the house...except I would shed a whole lot of stress that comes with him being here. 

Some of you have made amazing turnarounds in your marriage. Is there anything left for me to try before I throw in the towel?


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## DayDream

You have a child, rather than a husband. It might actually take a separation to show him you are serious, unfortunately.


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## Uptown

NoMore, as we discussed today in PMs, I've read through all your threads and most of your other posts. I found that the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Below, I respond to statements you made in this and other threads about your H's behavior. Significantly, I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who took his BPDer exW to six different psychologists for weekly visits over a 15 year period -- all to no avail.


> He is very much like having a toddler with no concept of boundaries.[11/20/11 post.]


If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. It is hard to know where your boundaries are if you don't know who you are.


> As soon as I head to the bathroom, for whatever purpose, he follows me there....it happens every.single.time I go to the bathroom. (11/20/11 post.)


Strong BPD traits also would explain why your H has little sense of who he is, making him so reliant on you to provide a direction and to ground him in reality. Having only a weak, fragile self image, BPDers HATE to be in a room by themselves -- because, having no sense of SELF to keep themselves company, they feel utterly alone when they are by themselves -- as you know so well whenever your H follows you into the bathroom.


> He has zero sense of direction, no ambition and no sense of self. We have a friend from a foreign country, and any time he is around him, he will come home and talk with an accent for the next week.


It is common for BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) to act like the people they are around at the moment -- e.g., speaking with an accent or behaving with their mannerisms. BPDers often are wonderful actors and mimics because, lacking a strong self image, they ACT in a way that will be acceptable to the people they are around. Moreover, they pull out all the stops when they are infatuated with someone, as occurs during the honeymoon period. At that time, a BPDer typically will mirror your personality so perfectly that you both will be convinced you are "soul mates."


> I honestly don't know who is going to walk in the door every day, personality-wise.


It is common for the spouse of a BPDer to feel like she is living with a person who is half way to having multiple personality disorder. Certainly, I felt that way during the 15 years I lived with my BPDer exW. That is what it feels like to be living with an emotionally unstable person who repeatedly alternates between adoring you and devaluing you.


nomoretogive said:


> He needs admiration like you wouldn't believe.


Strictly speaking, this is a Narcissistic PD trait. Yet, like NPD, BPD has a strong element of narcissism underlying it. My view is that we all become more narcissistic when we are suffering and in pain. It therefore is not surprising that BPDers and other PD sufferers tend to have a strong element of narcissism. Moreover, because BPDers have such fragile self concepts, they often become reliant on a spouse's admiration to help fortify their weak egos and offset their self loathing.


> My oldest has ADHD and a learning disability.


Although strong BPD traits are believed to be inherited to a large extent, most children of BPDers do NOT develop BPD. What is inherited is not BPD per se but, rather, a predisposition to having some type of mental disorder. Whether it takes the form of BPD -- or occurs at all -- is partly determined by the environment in which the child is raised. Most likely, your son will outgrow the ADHD.

If he does not outgrow it, however, you may want to know that a recent psychiatric study (2006) reports finding a fairly strong association between _adult ADHD_ and BPD. See European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, Volume 256, Supplement 1 - SpringerLink.


> Everyone thought my husband was great...and he is, when he's around other people. At home, however, is a completely different story.


It is common for a high functioning BPDer to treat casual friends and complete strangers with great generosity and caring all day long -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. The reason that those other people never see his dark side is that none of them pose a threat to his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause engulfment.


> Of course, all I hear now is, "I'm going to counseling to work on my issues," but yet that's all he is doing. ...but he isn't even trying to correct his behavior.


Insisting that a BPDer seek treatment accomplishes nothing if he doesn't want it badly for himself -- and it is rarely the case that a BPDer wants it badly. If a BPDer is unwilling to work hard in therapy for several years, he will only play mind games with the therapist. Moreover, it will be extremely difficult for the spouse to tell if any real progress is being made. After all, a BPDer -- like a man who quits smoking every three weeks -- is always showing great improvement about every two or three weeks. That's the way emotionally unstable people are who have strong BPD traits.


> He blames me for everything -- literally. He refuses to take any responsibility for himself.


To the extent BPDers have any self image at all, it is one of being "the victim." They therefore maintain a death grip on that false self image, being convinced they are eternal victims. During the honeymoon period, you "validated" his false self image by being "the savior" (the implication being that he must be a victim if you are trying to save him from something). 

After the infatuation evaporates, however, you are allowed to be "the savior" only while he is splitting you white -- an event that becomes farther and farther apart. At all other times, you will "validate" his false self image by being perceived as "the perpetrator" -- i.e., the cause of every misfortune to befall him. He achieves this -- just like any four year old would do -- by projecting all of his bad thoughts, misfortunes, and mistakes onto you. Because the projection is done subconsciously, he usually firmly believes the ridiculous accusations coming out of his mouth.


> He is reckless with money, and our joint account was always off by at least $1,000 a month.


Not surprisingly, emotionally unstable people are not good at planning things and executing them flawlessly. Moreover, they are not good at controlling their impulses (e.g., as in impulse buying).


> When I ask him why he thinks it is okay not to contribute, he says, "Well, I buy groceries sometimes."


BPDers are notorious for feeling entitled to things and for having double standards (one for them and one for everyone else). Four year olds do that too.


nomoretogive said:


> My husband is a very insecure person, has very low self-esteem, is in counseling for passive aggressive issues and help to start developing an identity of his own.[11/20/11 post.]


 If your H has strong traits of BPD, it may be difficult to obtain a diagnosis of it because he is so passive-aggressive. Significantly, all BPDers are filled with enormous anger which they've been carrying since early childhood. Typically, BPDers release that anger in temper tantrums and loud verbal abuse. Indeed, perhaps 90% of them are like that. A small portion, however, do not act out. Instead, they "act in" when their fears (abandonment and engulfment) are triggered -- turning the anger inward on themselves. 

This does not mean, however, that they do not punish you. They do that with passive aggressive remarks and behavior -- and with cold withdrawal. Significantly, because these "quiet BPDers" are only a small portion of BPDers, therapists often fail to recognize them. Your descriptions of your H describe a man who exhibits strong traits of both "acting out" and "acting in," periodically switching between them. But his primary mode seems to be the "acting in" mode -- the hallmarks of which are the passive aggressive behavior and icy withdrawal.

Because the vast majority of BPDers are loud and throw temper tantrums, it is difficult to find good information about the quiet BPDers online. The best article I've seen about these quiet BPDers is therapist Shari Schreiber's description at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved. Schreiber calls them "waif borderlines."

Another article (which emphasizes the cold nature of some quiet BPDers) is A.J. Mahari's article at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Of those two articles, I suspect that Schreiber's description is a bit closer to what you've said about your H's behavior.

Here on the TAM forum, you can read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. That describes typical BPDers who act out and throw tantrums. You nonetheless may find it helpful because you describe your H as sometimes switching from "acting in" to "acting out." If you have questions, NoMore, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to online resources that can. Please take care.


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## ShawnD

nomoretogive said:


> I will ask him to make a repair around the house -- aka water leaking through dining room ceiling from upstairs bath -- and he will promise to take care of it. Well, that's been going on for seven months. Every time I call in a repairman, he throws a fit and calls to cancel the appointment, swearing *he will fix it this time*. The water is still coming through the ceiling.


That's not passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is when someone goes with the flow and seems agreeable, but they are actively fighting against what they claim to support. Your husband just sounds lazy.

Passive aggressive can often be used as a form of training. For example, you tell your kid to pick up his toys so he doesn't lose them. He says no and insists that he won't lose them. You disagree with the kid, so how do you react? The regular aggressive approach would be to slap him and make him pick up his toys. The passive agressive approach would be to go along with the kid, and then hide his toys so he can't find them next time. Even if he remmbers where he put the toy, that won't help because the toy has been moved just to give negative reinforcement. 

Let's try another example of passive aggressive. You demand that I cook food for you even though you're the one who wants to eat; I already ate. Instead of just saying no and telling you to cook your own damn food, I'll say yes and cook something. The passive aggressive part is that I'll cook it the way _I_ like it, and I'll go out of my way to make sure you will not like it. You can't stand hot peppers, but I love hot peppers, so I'll put hot peppers in it. I love salt, so it will be salty. You'll take one bite of this meal, hate it, and hopefully never ask me to cook again.





> If I get really busy with client work, I will ask him to drop bills off at the post office -- we have a problem with kids stealing stuff out of mailboxes in the neighborhood. He will agree, leave the house, come back and swear he did it....except I get shut-off notices because the bills never make it to their destination. I cancelled our online bill pay two years ago after being victims of identity theft and went back to the old fashioned way of paying bills.


Is it possible he's just an idiot? You're assuming he didn't actually mail anything. Maybe he put it in the neighborhood mailboxes even though he knows that's a significant risk. Some people are just retarded like that. I can't remember what it's called, but many or most people think they're well above average and can beat the odds. An idiot will look at a stat saying 1/3 people will die from heart failure and say "well that doesn't apply to me because my heart....." blah blah blah. This kind of thinking gets a lot of people in trouble. "It's ok if I run red lights but it's bad if everyone else does it because..."






> He blames me for everything -- literally. He refuses to take any responsibility for himself, and even when seeming to, somehow manages to still make it my fault. When I can get him to admit he's done something wrong, he will say, "Yeah, but it's your fault because you (insert one of a million excuses here)."


This by itself is reason enough to leave someone. Most of our learning is the result of failure, but that learning only happens if we understand that failure is caused by something we had control over. Refusal to take responsibility for anything means he will never learn. Lost job because I showed up drunk? Well that's not my fault; that's the boss being a ****. I'm sure I won't get fired for showing up drunk at my next job.




> He has zero sense of direction, no ambition and no sense of self.


Interestingly, typing "no sense of self" in google without the quotes brings up pages and pages of stuff all dealing with BPD. It's actually impressive how common that illness is. My brother's gf likely had BPD and yeah that describes her fairly well. 




> I am Catholic and have always said I would not walk away from my marriage until I had tried everything possible to make it work.


The church might not like divorce, but where in the bible does it say a marriage is limited to 1 man and 1 woman? Abraham had 3 wives. Jacob, later named Israel, had 4 wives. You could always look for a second husband...


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## sec33

What does "no sense of self"mean. I had a Councillor tell me that my husband had no sense of self and that he was very passive. After reading about Passive Aggressive disorder, I believe that is what he is.


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## Ten_year_hubby

In all seriousness, does your husband do anything right? Does he have any redeeming qualities?


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## sec33

Yes, he does, he is very honest, dependable, helpful to others. My biggest complaints are: we don't communicate on a personal level, no affection, no compliments, does not initiate sex ever!!. He has made promises that he would not treat me like this anymore, but he can't follow through with it. If I ask for something that he has to give of himself, he just starts ignoring me and I mean I don't exist to him. If I had know then what I know now I would never had stayed with him. I'm 70+ and I'm not going anywhere now. So I just live my life without him. I just leave him at home and do what I want to.


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## *needaunderstand*

he sounds like he has personality disorder. my sister has it, and she does random things like if she reads a book, then suddenly she starts acting like the characters, she will tell people stories about things that happened to her, that never did happen they were in a book she read. i think that you have tired way to much. i would give him the ultimatium, and tell him if you dont give me this much money on the bills, and mow the lawn and clean the gutters by this day, then there will be no more us, just you and i! he will probaly say okay ill do it, but if he doesnt, dont give him any more chances. the seperation will snap him back to reality, and maybe that will be enough to save it, but you need to be happy and set the best examples for your childern and he isnt going to do any of that.


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## Uptown

sec33 said:


> What does "no sense of self"mean. I had a Councillor tell me that my husband had no sense of self and that he was very passive.


Sec33, all of us struggle to develop a strong, well-integrated sense of who we are when we are 3 and 4 years of age. By "well integrated," I mean we have to become comfortable with the fact that our having good and bad aspects to our personalities is normal. We have to learn that occasionally having "bad" thoughts does not mean we are bad people.

When that critical learning process is interrupted by an early childhood trauma -- e.g., abuse or abandonment -- and impeded by a genetic predisposition to a PD -- the child is unable to develop a strong sense of who he is. He therefore is usually stuck with strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) such as BPD (Borderline PD) or NPD (Narcissistic PD).

It he develops strong BPD traits, he is aware that he does not know who he really is. To be able to fit in and be loved, he hides that fact from other people by using their strong personalities as a guide for centering and grounding his own "false self image." But, significantly, he knows that this projected self image is false, so he often feels like he is being fake. As I discuss above in my 4/12 post to NoMore, this fragile and unstable self image is the main reason that BPDers hate to be alone, i.e., they need to be around someone who will ground them and give them a sense of direction.

In contrast, NPDers are so totally out of touch with their true selves that they are unaware that their false self image is false. Yet, they are highly reliant on other people to keep "validating" that false self image. This is why NPDers surround themselves with people who will affirm their false self image and they will dump you as soon as you fail to do so. Importantly, the NPDer's inability to realize that the false image is fake gives him an emotional stability that BPDers lack. That is, NPDers are emotionally stable and BPDers are not. I hope this is helpful, Sec33.


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## nomoretogive

Ten_year_hubby said:


> In all seriousness, does your husband do anything right? Does he have any redeeming qualities?


Every now and then I'm asked a question that I don't have a ready answer for, and that makes me think....you managed to do it. I was away this weekend, camping with kids, but this question kept me up at night, both nights. 

I sat down and started making a list. The "cons" list was an easy one -- dishonest, financially irresponsible, uninvolved, avoidant, immature, et cetera. The "pros" list stayed empty. I have racked my brain, thinking I was just too far gone with resentment to see any good qualities. So I enlisted the help of my family and friends, asked them this question. I was sure they were going to rattle off a list of things that ARE good about him that I just can't see anymore because I'm so tired of the BS and full of resentment. Ironically, none of them have been able to come up with anything, except that sometimes he is helpful to others. That, of course, doesn't help me and my kids. 

I recently have been coming to terms with the fact that I am codependent and that I was enabling the behavior. The toughest part of this exercise was facing a black-and-white list of all the things that are wrong with this guy, all the things he takes from me and my kids without offering anything in return. I HATE being wrong, but this time I was sickened to see just how much I had been putting up with, and how I was allowing myself and my kids to be destroyed in the process. For the first time, I was really able to see my part in this. 

I took into consideration, too, how relaxed we all were this weekend away from him; rediscovered how awesome it is to see my kids having fun and laughing out loud, and realizing that never happens here. I was out, meeting new people, and realized that I, too, come alive when I'm away from him; that I'm a totally different person when he's not around. 

Your question made me do some heavy examination of my life the way it is, not the way I wish it was, and I can't thank you enough for it. Despite the religious issues that come with divorce being Catholic, I will be filing tomorrow morning. 

Seriously, thank you.


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## sec33

Catholic can divorce. The Church just frowns on remarriage without getting an annulment. Good luck to you and your family.


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## eastofdurango

nomoretogive said:


> I took into consideration, too, how relaxed we all were this weekend away from him;
> I'm a totally different person when he's not around.
> 
> I will be filing tomorrow morning.


I can relate to your post completely and just quoted a few of the highlights of what you wrote.

I am married 10 years to a man who will not express his feelings or his opinions on a personal level.

He has "friends" - quite a few but keeps it at a social level.

I am very tense and easily upset around him; his views are very narrow and he has difficulty, as he puts it, "switching gears" even if it's a simple matter like watching a different TV program than originally thought.

Yes, he has ADD but it remains untreated, by his sole choice.

He pushes me away by mentally and emotionally shutting down; physical attachment ceased years ago.

We have been through marriage counseling.

We have lived separately for awhile and reunited.

I am leaving in two months. My daughter turned 18 and starts college and I will hopefully be able to rebuild my life in a home where I do not feel like a stranger and totally alone while sitting two feet away from someone.


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## Sabbby

It took me 5 years to realize I needed to let go. I never thought it was possible for a person to be this evil and thought maybe it was me, so I kept trying until a couple weeks ago. I got tired of no communication, angry/yelling for no reason, avoiding me, unemployed, no remorse, no affection, argumentive, unapologetic and never wrong, addicted to XBOX, obsessed with childish games skating, remote control helicopter. While all that negativity going on at home, when outside it made me sick to my stomach to watch him be courtious, generous and friendy to others. Yes he had good qualities that included him doing anything with his hands at home(clean, wash, cook, homework, car & home repairs, etc) on his own time. He was very intelligent, but did not want to work and would refuse to do anything personally that made me happy. I put him out and I miss his presense, but after reading these posts Im glad I did because it doesnt look like it would have changed and I would have stayed unhappy, lonely and probably driven crazy. So Im hiring a handyman and finding me someone to love.


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## caf

Your story of your marriage/husband is practically my own. In two years of marriage and five years of relationship with this man, often I am at a loss of words to describe the deep frustration. It's like I can try several different ways to interact with his ways, and NONE would work.

I've been pondering on leaving for over a year now. It's very sad. I wonder what you will do too..

At any rate, take care.

Fromafar.


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## EleGirl

caf said:


> Your story of your marriage/husband is practically my own. In two years of marriage and five years of relationship with this man, often I am at a loss of words to describe the deep frustration. It's like I can try several different ways to interact with his ways, and NONE would work.
> 
> I've been pondering on leaving for over a year now. It's very sad. I wonder what you will do too..
> 
> At any rate, take care.
> 
> Fromafar.


This is an old thread. 

Why not start your own thread and tell us what you would like support for. Then people can talk to you and see if we can help you out.


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## EleGirl

nomoretogive,

If you still get notices for TAM, I'd like to know how you are doing.


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## needanewlife

I can't believe how these stories mirror my own life. It's like my husband has been "off" for years now, out to lunch and not dealing with reality and grown up priorities. It took me years to realize that the situation can't be fixed with him. I have literally tried everything and through reading and studying have realized there is nothing I can do to change things, he is only getting worse as he gets older. There comes a certain point where you have to walk away. I have moved away from having any belongings with this man in the past 3 years, and have moved in the direction of starting my own life and career. I want as little interaction with him as possible because everything turns into a problem or to much unnecessary drama. I am tired of him dragging me down and making my life hell. I swear if it hasn't been one thing then it's been another with him. Thank God we have no children. I just have enough time in my life to get out there and find someone I can have a family with, because I will never be able to create a stable home-life with him. I am no longer willing to play mommy, having to ride him constantly about following up on basic things, setting goals and keeping them, and having some standards for his life. It's a job I am no longer willing to do. He's not a bad person he just has some pretty serious cognitive problems and zero good habits for his life. I am tired of being angry anxiety ridden and depressed over our situation, and now I am really in fear because he's older now and I see he is doing nothing for real to make sure he has his bills covered when he's too old to work. He's made comments in the past that I am young enough to take care of him (i am 15 years younger), and that scared the cr!$ out of me when he said that. I am picturing myself working 2 jobs supporting an old man that wouldn't make the right decisions for himself his whole life because he was too lazy entitled and immature - and for him to think now he is going to let his wife worry about it angers me to no end.


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## tripad

Story just like mine. 

I'm just glad I'm divorced now. Trying to move on. It's a pity. I did love my ex. But it's over now. 

Just pondering on issues wrt children n how best to bring up my kids. 

A lot of details n readings offered above by other post. Got to slowly digest it. To understand my ex since I got to deal with him as the father of my childre, n to prevent another similar error. 

NoMORE

Can't advise you, just know that it's really tough. 

Take care.


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## rockgj

Is passive aggressive the same a stonewalling? This article sounds like my husband but it's about stonewalling

Marriage and Relationships Advice: The "Stonewalling" Man, How to Get to Talk About Their Feelings


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## skyraider

needanewlife said:


> I can't believe how these stories mirror my own life. It's like my husband has been "off" for years now, out to lunch and not dealing with reality and grown up priorities. It took me years to realize that the situation can't be fixed with him. I have literally tried everything and through reading and studying have realized there is nothing I can do to change things, he is only getting worse as he gets older. There comes a certain point where you have to walk away. I have moved away from having any belongings with this man in the past 3 years, and have moved in the direction of starting my own life and career. I want as little interaction with him as possible because everything turns into a problem or to much unnecessary drama. I am tired of him dragging me down and making my life hell. I swear if it hasn't been one thing then it's been another with him. Thank God we have no children. I just have enough time in my life to get out there and find someone I can have a family with, because I will never be able to create a stable home-life with him. I am no longer willing to play mommy, having to ride him constantly about following up on basic things, setting goals and keeping them, and having some standards for his life. It's a job I am no longer willing to do. He's not a bad person he just has some pretty serious cognitive problems and zero good habits for his life. I am tired of being angry anxiety ridden and depressed over our situation, and now I am really in fear because he's older now and I see he is doing nothing for real to make sure he has his bills covered when he's too old to work. He's made comments in the past that I am young enough to take care of him (i am 15 years younger), and that scared the cr!$ out of me when he said that. I am picturing myself working 2 jobs supporting an old man that wouldn't make the right decisions for himself his whole life because he was too lazy entitled and immature - and for him to think now he is going to let his wife worry about it angers me to no end.


I am a male with Passive Aggressive Disorder and I have been reading about myself thru these stories . I do recognize myself and yes it is hard to stop this behavior. I got my wife to read your input and we are using it to treat me and catch me in the act of acting out before it gets out of hand and it is working so far. I'm not out of the woods yet, but some improvement is showing, I also attend a Recovery Group in our town that deals with alcohol , drugs and other stuff like Passive Aggressive people. It is christian based and that helps,,,lots of 12 step people in there and it helps me also...there is hope for those married to a P.A.D person like me..


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## Narcissistic's Ex Wife

He has: NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER...


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