# Suspect my husband cheated on me with prostitutes



## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

We have been married for 29 years, husband 57, me 55 with two grown children. He grew up in a Catholic family (church twice a week, catholic schools through college graduation and he was an alter boy). He was shy, overweight, had thick glasses and has a genius IQ. He didn't date much in school and when we met at work he was 25 and told me I was his first girlfriend. He never had a high sex drive, once a week was enough for him, didn't want to try anything different or even talk about sex much.

Last year I noticed some unusual behavior with his phone, looking and texting a lot, putting it on silent, always having it with him, spending a lot of time in the bathroom with it (like an hour) saying it was his new medicine, running to get an ice cream cone or getting something from his car, coming home late from work and not coming home as often as he usually did for lunch saying he had a luncheon meeting.

He said an Australian company had bought a program from his company that he was working on and they needed help with and since their day is our night he was going to be having conference calls with them with other employees at night once a week or so. They were going to meet at an office building instead of his office (which is a couple of blocks from us) because they had the equipment. I couldn't call or text him while he was there. For a few weeks he was gone Tuesdays from 7-10. A couple of times he didn't come home until 3 am because he said they were going through two programs. I noticed some red flags like my seat was sometimes moved the next day, my son found lipstick in his backseat which husband said must me mine but I had never been in his back seat and I noticed wrappings in his back seat (maybe condom wrappers) that he picked up and when I asked who was in his back seat he said our daughter was eating pop tarts, but our daughter has been away at college for a month so I knew that was a lie. He would get mad when I asked him these questions. I did drive by this building one of the nights he was suppose to be there but it was dark and there were no cars. I asked him about that but he said they had met at a different building that night but he didn't know the address. This lasted about 3 months.

I started to look at his computer screen when he would often fall asleep in front of it. One night he was on Craigslist sex ad site, which he said he was on to get ideas for our bedroom. I said BS that site is to find women to have sex with. Another night there were 1/2 naked picture on there which he claimed was from a porn site.

Another night I caught him on an escort website. He was logged in and the next day I got onto that site and found his posts. There were about 100 of them starting when I first noticed his unusual phone habits posts like his hobbies, his best friend passing away, providers (that's what they are called on this site) he had been with, a regular one that comes into town on Tuesdays, one he met about 10 years ago, descriptions of visits, money he had given some of them because they asked. There were also reviews of providers he had been with. The all took place during the months he was "working" nights in hotels around our town, names, acts performed, what they looked like, how much he spent and a rating. I felt sick, but it explained his actions. He posted that he started doing this "hobby"when he was in his 20's and it sounds like it had been going on throughout our marriage. 

I also got our phone records and his phone/texts went from maybe 50 a month to over 300 a month and while he was in the bathroom he was texting the whole time. Some of the numbers were from other nearby small towns which I had never heard of. I have looked up the numbers but haven't had much luck finding names. Even if I do they aren't going to admit they are prostitutes. I have gotten tested for STDs'. 

I did confront my husband and told him I caught him on that website. He started shaking his head and said he would never go on a site like that he wouldn't risk our marriage. I told him he was on that site under the user name ****. He then admitted was on the site, did write those posts but made them up because he was curious about the site. I said why would a married man go on an escort website and make up posts? He had no answer.

I haven't told anyone about this. I don't want our kids to know. Our families/friends would be SHOCKED! I think about it every day. I'm still not 100% sure he did this maybe I'm just in denial. He was not only risking his marriage and my health and his job but he could have gotten arrested. I always thought single men who can't get dates or married men who aren't getting sex at home go to prostitutes. My husband is a professional and I have never turned him down for sex. My two questions are. Has any other wives here gone through something similar? Does it make any sense for a married man to go on an escort website to "make up" posts?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Let’s say you find out that he _has_ cheated and/or _is_ cheating — what’s your course of action?


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

If he admits it and gets into counseling then I will stay and not tell anyone. If he gets angry and defensive then I would probably expose to our families and have to leave until he does get help.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Let’s say you find out that he _has_ cheated and/or _is_ cheating — what’s your course of action?





Married27years said:


> If he admits it and gets into counseling then I will stay and not tell anyone. If he gets angry and defensive then I would probably expose to our families and have to leave until he does get help.


So then divorce is off the table?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You are in denial. To even want corroboration for his lies means you are in denial.

If you are a housewife and depends on his income, then you are less likely to want to do anything about this and prefer not having to accept your reality. If you are financially independent, you still won't want to accept the truth, but being able to feed yourself makes it easier. This is just one reason I think it is stupid for any woman to be a housewife. But whatever your financial circumstances, you are currently in denial.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> So then divorce is off the table?


I would never say never but his health isn't very good now and he had to retire. I know it's not still going on. When you have been with someone for 31 years it's not easy to divorce.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married27years said:


> I would never say never but his health isn't very good now and he had to retire. I know it's not still going on. When you have been with someone for 31 years it's not easy to divorce.


I know that.

My mother divorced my father (for cheating) after 31+ years of marriage.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Married27years said:


> I would never say never but his health isn't very good now and he had to retire. I know it's not still going on. When you have been with someone for 31 years it's not easy to divorce.


So he cheated on you for 31 years, but you're not willing to do anything because he isn't cheating right this moment?

And how fun that you get to take care of him in sickness.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

StarFires said:


> So he cheated on you for 31 years, but you're not willing to do anything because he isn't cheating right this moment?
> 
> And how fun that you get to take care of him in sickness.


I don't know for sure. That's why I haven't done anything. It's not like I found him in bed or have pictures of him in bed. If he did cheat then he needs counseling to figure out why he did this.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Married27years, 
You are still in shock. The whole reality of what your husband has done will set in eventually, and you will begin to think about things differently. You want your marriage to be the way it was. It never will. Neither of you will be able to unring the bell.

1. He broke his vows.
2. He did things with other women that belong to only you.
3. He lied to you many many times to cover his tracks.
4. He spent marital money that was rightfully yours...he spent it on another woman/women.
5. He put your health at risk (STDs)
6. He pretended to be a man he wasn't to you and your children.
7. He stuck his pen*s in other women...it belongs only to you.
8. He let other women touch him and do things for him that only you had the right to do.
9. He probably told other women intimate personal things about you and your marriage, violating your privacy.
10. The list goes on and on.

He completely disrespected you and your marriage. Do not look the other way. Get tested for STDs and don't have sex with him again until he too is tested. AIDS takes up to six months to show up on a test. Are you willing to not have sex with him for 6 months to make sure he is not infected, or at least always use condoms? (Condoms may not protect you.)

I'm sorry your husband decided to put an atom bomb to your marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

> I always thought single men who can't get dates or married men who aren't getting sex at home go to prostitutes. My husband is a professional and I have never turned him down for sex. My two questions are. Has any other wives here gone through something similar? Does it make any sense for a married man to go on an escort website to "make up" posts?





Married27years said:


> I would never say never but his health isn't very good now and he had to retire. I know it's not still going on. When you have been with someone for 31 years it's not easy to divorce.





Married27years said:


> I don't know for sure. That's why I haven't done anything. It's not like I found him in bed or have pictures of him in bed. If he did cheat then he needs counseling to figure out why he did this.


First all kinds of men go to prostitutes for a variety of reasons. Usually, it is either a compulsion to cheat (excitement) something missing from his marriage (which could be something he is too afraid to ask you to provide---taboo sex), a need for emotional companionship, or because they think they are entitled and don't have to obey social norms.

No, I would wager (a lot of money) that his posts were for real in an attempt to find a sex partner.

Yes it should, like you caught him and he was cheating.

If sounds like you would rather not divorce him if he can change and rebuild your trust.

Talk to him and explain that what he did was unspeakably wrong to you, your children, and your respective friends and families. Tell him that if you decide to divorce him, everyone will know just what he did, because you will have to explain to them, why you had to divorce him.

Tell him if he has sincere remorse, will never do that again, will do everything in his power to rebuild your trust in him and he will agree to marriage counseling ...............you might consider staying with him long enough to see if he has changed so as to avoid divorcing him. Set some clear boundaries as to what you consider unacceptable behavior.......but again only if you think there is a chance you might be able to forgive him and reconcile.

As an aside, if you can get a bigger insurance policy on his sick life....it could be a consolation prize for giving his cheating @ss a second chance.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married27years said:


> I don't know for sure. That's why I haven't done anything. It's not like I found him in bed or have pictures of him in bed. If he did cheat then he needs counseling to figure out why he did this.


He doesn't need counselling, he needs some moral values and integrity. Your whole marriage has been a lie. Cheating lying and deception all this time.
I couldn't stay with a man who treated me so appallingly or who risked giving me std's, who could lie with such impunity. How can you possibly ever trust a word he says? He will never stop after all this time unless he gets too ill to do to it any more. 

Please have some self respect.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He lives two lives. That is wrong.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Great idea- counseling for an itch he wants to keep scratching .

I suggest the wife goes finds herself some hot male prostitutes that can get her to her happy place and they can discuss her FOO issues.

Fair? You bet your ass it is fair.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You absolutely are in denial.

You have plenty of evidence that points to the truth of it. He is lying. He has been lying and cheating for at least a while now.

I have been together with my H for 40 years and would leave him if he were doing what your WH is doing. True, it's hard to leave, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't. If you want him to come clean and start to work honestly on your marriage, then there need to be consequences. Right now, he knows you won't leave him and all he has to do is placate you. 

So, it's your choice. If you continue the way you are going now, you will be living with this continued behavior (although perhaps better hidden) until he physically can't manage it anymore. If you tell him that you will, in fact, leave him unless he tells the whole truth and gets help, then you have a chance.

My .02.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> You absolutely are in denial.
> 
> You have plenty of evidence that points to the truth of it. He is lying. He has been lying and cheating for at least a while now.
> 
> ...


I agree with this, staying in a marriage that is a complete sham, where there is no faithfulness, constant lies and betrayal, as well as putting you life at risk, is far far worse that being alone. 
Many of us have survived divorce after long marriages, don't stay out of fear.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Married27years said:


> I don't know for sure. That's why I haven't done anything. It's not like I found him in bed or have pictures of him in bed. If he did cheat then he needs counseling to figure out why he did this.


He needs 'counseling' to figure out why he wants sexual variety with different women?

Save yourself thousands of dollars in wasted shrink fees.

The *reason* he did it is because he WANTED to. And because he COULD. And because he could afford it. And because he enjoys the sexual variety he gets from being able to pick from a harem of women. And because for 30+ years, he was getting away with it. And lastly, I'm just about 100% certain he's got himself some kind of freaky fetish he's *never *admitted to you that he only engages in it with his hired 'help.' 

What's a shrink going to do at this point, anyway? Give you some nonsense excuse for his hooker fetish - like he was 'abused' or 'neglected' and that's why he went to hookers for 30 years? Maybe a shrink will claim he has chronic 'depression' or 'self esteem' issues, or he was in a 'fog' these last 30 years, or maybe they'll claim he has an 'addiction,' or maybe they'll just spin their excuse wheel they keep in their office and whatever it lands on, THAT'S what his diagnosis will be.

That'll be $10,000 in out of pocket shrink fees, please. 

What a crock of crap.

You said he's not healthy and no longer cheating on you because I guess he's no longer physically able to fly his freak flag with his hookers. Are you actually grateful that he can't cheat anymore only because of his health? Why would you *stay* with someone who in the last 30 years, couldn't even show you the same respect most of show the common dung beetle?

I'll never understand this type of desperate, blind loyalty. Not only does it make you swallow your pride, dignity and self respect, but you have to keep lowering your expectations until you have virtually NONE left in order to continue clinging to him like grim death. 

I'd be at my lawyer's in the morning - and I'd make sure to have a forensic accountant on hand to follow the money trail for the last 30 years because half of the tens of thousands of dollars he's blown on hookers is *yours*. I'd be sure to get back every single penny. Together 31 years or not, this guy is just a pitiful loser.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> He needs 'counseling' to figure out why he wants sexual variety with different women?
> 
> Save yourself thousands of dollars in wasted shrink fees.
> 
> ...


I so agree. The latest excuse for cheating is that the cheater has a 'sex addiction'. Complete nonsense. Its all about having moral values and integrity.


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