# She left and im not sure where to start.



## sirk706 (Feb 13, 2009)

First off. this section is the closest thing i could find to my situation. i hope its the correct place to post.

I have been married for 6 years as of feb 1st. My wife is wonderful. always there for me and actually takes care of me allot of the time as im forgetful and she is always reminding me of something i forgot. i could go on forever listing her qualities. Three days ago i cam home from work as usual. sat down at my desk and my wife came out and said hi. she asked me about dinner and i let her know i wasn't hungry yet and whatever was easiest. ten minutes later she returns and informs me her parents are coming to pick her up and she is leaving me. i was completely surprised. things seemed to be going well between us but as she later mentioned it was all an act. I immediately left the house. i was hurt and confused. when i did return her parents were indeed helping her pack everything of importance to her. i sat in silence. even if i tried i couldn't form a complete thought to convey.

Since then we have talked and she says she wants to work things out. her intentions were not to leave me but get away so she could think clearly about our situation. it turns out she has been unhappy for some time and has kept it to herself rather than coming to talk to me about it. she also said if we had talked about it before hand i would have unintentionally manipulated her into staying and she didn't want that. I had no idea i even do that. it also turns out my 2 best friends knew for a week this was going to happen and didn't tell me. I still feel very hurt and deceived about the whole situation. Im also a little angry she didn't come to me to talk in the first place. I truly believe this whole thing could have been avoided. at the same time i didn't know anything was wrong. she was always happy and never really complained about anything.

A quick run down of me. I have an anger issue. i tend to get very angry at stupid things. but it never lasts more than a minute or so and i have never struck anyone or become violent because of it. i just yell, vent for a minute and im finished. as it turns out she says the reason she packed up everything of hers is she was afraid i would break all her things in a fit of rage which i would never do, and have never destroyed anything in our home because i was mad. I had been out of work for a while but was VERY actively seeking employment and recently found a job 3 weeks ago and its going great.

Those are a few of the reasons she left. we have spoken every night since she left ( just like when we first met lol ) for a few hours at a time and things already seem to be getting better. we have agreed to enroll in couples counseling and fix the issues we have as a couple. Last night while we were talking i told her i was looking forward to her return home as i have something special planned for her birthday ( its over a month away) and she replied she couldn't promise she would be home by then. once again my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe she intends to stay away for that long and still wants to work on our situation. I guess what i mean is, i don't understand how we can begin fixing things if she is not here to give it a chance. he parents live 40+ miles away and she is commuting by bus to her job near our home and back to her parents house. this is around a 3 or 3 1/2 hour bus ride and i often work until 6:00 and fight rush hour traffic to get home. I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to make things work. I admit there is a little bit of me being selfish. I miss her dearly and have told her several times on the phone. we are having dinner together here at home tomorrow evening so that's a plus. 

so am i wrong to think running away for a while wont fix our situation? I have done a little reading online but there are not many similar situations as mine. i found one where children were involved but we have none together or in our home and they suggested psychical distance can make things worse.

I apologize for jumping around so much. i have allot going on in my head and have a hard time expressing it all in text.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sirk706 said:


> she says the reason she packed up everything of hers is she was afraid i would break all her things in a fit of rage which i would never do, and have never destroyed anything in our home because i was mad.


It doesnt really matter if you would really do these things or not. Your wife doesnt live in your head. she doesnt know what you might do. obviously you have a very explosive, unpredictable temper. it might end for you in a minute or so, but you can now see that it continued for your wife. that's all she knows. I dont think you realize the extent of your anger. 

To me, if you really wanted to show your wife that you are taking her seriously, i think you should call up a counselor and go to anger management on your own. Do it before she comes back and only tell her after you've gone to a few sessions. 

I can understand that you would be hurt that she told your friends and didnt even talk to you about it first. But this is the emotional atmosphere you've created and now you have to face the consequences of it.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Just from my experience from being a daughter of a man who had a bad temper, and being married to a man for 9 years who had a bad temper....just because you think your anger is done and over with quickly, doesn't mean she does...even if you tell her that. When you are the one yelling, you are able to cool off, aplogize, and move on. When you are the one being yelled at, there are hurt feelings that don't go away so quickly. You have to see the situation from her perspective, and her life experiences. If she was not raised around yelling and anger, it could be very scary to her and she may believe that you are at the brink of hurting her or her possessions. Just because you haven't been physical yet, doesn't mean she thinks you never will be. I was used to my fathers temper, and learned to deal with it and tiptoe around it...but it was not fun. And then I married a man who was much like my father, but since he was my husband, I took everything very personally, and felt as though I could never so enough to keep him happy. The bottom line is....how comfortable is it to be around someone who may blow his top at any moment for any reason (even if it is only verbal!)? 

Give her the space she needs. * Get your temper in check*..counsling, medication, meditation, religion, stress relief...whatever it takes to fix you issues and show her you are the man she wants to be with.


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## sirk706 (Feb 13, 2009)

well, i guess i should have mentioned none of the times i get mad ever have anything to do with her. as a matter of fact ( which i find odd) is we never argue. she has told me she knows my anger is never directed twards her. the issues she has is when its directed twards other people. for example i have a roomate i have been friends with for 14 years. he lives with us. he is moving out on friday because he owes us over $2,000 in back rent. he and i have argued a few times but because i have indeed been to anger management before my wife and i met i know to walk away which is why it never lasts more than a minute. i admit your both right. and she has a pretty big history of abuse. not to her but from her father to her childhood friends. as for fixing my anger it is usually an angsity (sp) issue. and i realize i need medication for it. but we have no insurance nor can we afford a doctor visit for either of us at the moment as she is bi polar herself but neither of us have ever been medicated for either issue. and im sure the combination doesn't help.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

I think you should both seek help for your mental health issues: medication if needed and individual counseling are critical here. If you don't have insurance, check w/ the Department of Social Services in your state/city and locate free resources. If your income is above the poverty line they will use a sliding scale to offer you these services at a very discounted rate. After that I think you all should pursue couples counseling. But please work on yourself first. Get the help you need while she is away, it will only better you in the end. Good luck with working out your marriage.


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