# Something Every BS Should Read *Trigger Alert*



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

From a poster on website that is not cool: VERY VERY insightful.

SO – after MM indicated that our A was more complicated than he was ready to deal with, I sat back and licked my wounds, and took it all in.

I realized what everyone here has been chiding me for was essentially correct. I was wanting an exit-affair -- a soft place to land when and if I chose to have it out with the H. I was also mulling over all the highs and lows of both As in the past 20 or so months. What did I 'get' from those R's? What didn't I get? What was I 'missing' (really?) in my marriage? 

As fate, timing, or the cycle of the moon would have it, last night it all came to a head. I was preparing for work and my H 'confronted' me with a small slip of worn paper, with Bill on it. That's all. And it wasn't even my writing. Yell At first I was flabbergasted, he claimed the paper was on the floor after I had left for work the previous night. That it hadn't been there before "So you must have dropped it" …. 

It was a desperate accusation from a desperate man, and I couldn't take it any longer. Quite honestly, like most of you, living a shadow life is exhausting. 

Rather than even try to defend against something indefensible (Honest to god, NO idea where that 'slip' came from or what it meant, it could have been a label (bill) from my adult kids, they track in and out of the house all the time, but whatever) ….

I said, "We need to separate". And I was prepared to back it up. I just feel devoid, empty, not sure what is happening in my marriage. However, my H, was not prepared, and does not want, to separate, divorce, or part ways. He wants to know that I love him. He wants to understand where I am, what I'm doing, and why I don't include him in life anymore. I had to go to work (lousy timing to start such a huge fight) and we ended up texting half the night. It actually helped, texting, because when you do that, you can't really yell, or see tears, or feel cornered. Anyway … we got some things 'out'. So tonight, we're going out. We're dressing up, and I told him we're going to role-play that we just met. I'm going to talk to him like I talked to MM when we met. I'm going to show him the side of me I've only re-discovered, and I'm going to make him look at himself, and have to present himself to ME like I don't know thing one about him. 

YES we're carrying a ****load of emotional baggage, so it's not going to be all candlelight and roses. I think this is going to be hard, hard, hard. NO, hell NO, I won't ever admit to having an A.
It's a last ditch effort, honestly. Because if we can't 'rekindle' excitement (or maybe it's just ME) about being with each other, if he can't 'light my fire' and we can't have a satisfying sex life, then this really will be the beginning of the end of our marriage, and I'll be working out how to move on with my life without devastating him.
Thanks to all of you who are here and support my 'ups and downs'. 
I want to be able to love my husband again. We'll find out in the days / weeks to come if we really can love each other, again.
Spouse came home in tears, he's been upset all day at work. God Help Me I must be an evil woman because I burst out laughing! What an inappropriate reaction! But I couldn't help myself, I just thought it was so over-the-top and melodramatic (and *I* am supposed to be the drama queen? Right.) 

Dammit, he has a mountain of suspicion that I've been 'fooling around' but nothing specific. Just things like, new lingerie that he never sees me wear, new heels, etc. etc. Guess he's been rummaging through my things when I'm at work. SO I am promising that we are going to do more things together, I won't be off on my own (as much) – all things I plan to make happen. No date after all, as he's too much of a mess to be out in public. This is going to be a long, hard path. 

That and MM is sending me messages, still. Just along the 'glad we're going to be friends, I would like to spend time with you'… when we both know that's not going to happen. OH well.

Thanks …
For those who need a score card (I know I Do) ..
Nothing is going to change overnight with H and I. I am re-focusing my energies into being FULLY PRESENT, because going through the motions, per se, isn't any kind of effort on my part. As much as it sounds like that's not really being accurate, I really can focus and just *be* with my spouse, enjoy our time for what it is. I'm still just not sure what it 'is'.

I have heard from my BFF, my co-worker (who knows about my activities) and from all of you here that I am looking for something (validation/a sense of love/worthiness) from my APs, and I need to find it within. This is true. At this stage in my life though, I seem to be missing the ability to do that. Years and YEARS and years of therapy haven't helped.

Also, to clarify my earlier post – when H came home in tears, I didn't laugh *AT* him; rather, I burst into laughter (just for a moment, before collecting myself) and then promptly tried to calm/reassure him.

If anyone has seen the movie 'The Holiday' with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, you'll recall a scene at the end where Cameron Diaz has left, and then runs back to the cottage … when Jude Law opens the door, you see him crying, with the saddest pathetic face, but it's funny too. That's the look my H had, and I know my laughter was inappropriate (read what I wrote earlier) …

FOR the record, I know laughing at anyone crying is mean, and not something I am prone to do. I actually love my H for his ability to openly show his emotions, but at this point, I did feel that he had 'overdone' it. 

So I am trying to put my M in perspective and spend more time with H. MM and I will continue to meet up, as friends who can 'scratch that itch' that our spouses can't/aren't willing to. I e-mail with exMM without any face-to-face contact, and as much as I love him, find myself pulling back more and more. That R has no real purpose, except to remind me I was too hasty in getting married. 
I will also continue to improve my employment situation, until I'm making the kind of $$ I need to support myself without hardship.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like the POV from your typical cheating, selfish WS, who's still in a fog, while in the middle of a false R while cake-eating.

Also sounds like her BS is making all the wrong moves.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah this was the post where one scumbag cheater said men crying was funny to her. I hope she rots in hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I believe that if I had been laughed at when I broke down someone would have been out on their ass.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Actually it sounds very much like Ever_Man's thread.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Sounds like the POV from your typical cheating, selfish WS, who's still in a fog, while in the middle of a false R while cake-eating.
> 
> Also sounds like her BS is making all the wrong moves.


Any woman that would laugh at the trauma she is putting her husband through is quite a bit more than just a cake eating, selfish WS.

This is pure narcissism at it's highest level.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This is disturbing to say the least. That poor husband. He needs to find TAM.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Very low marks for humanity. Huge POS.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This is disturbing to say the least. That poor husband. He needs to find TAM.


How do you know he hasn't? How do you know he isn't, at the very least, lurking?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> How do you know he hasn't? How do you know he isn't, at the very least, lurking?


Ha! You might be right! Hope so.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Yeah this was the post where one scumbag cheater said men crying was funny to her. I hope she rots in hell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits. 

"yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"

" a man crying? pathetic!"

etc (I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist)


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits.
> 
> "yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"
> 
> ...


Would she have preferred an angry violent man over the weeping one? I think not.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I noticed too that all the "support wh0res" had these "sexsay" avatars. Judging by the number of OM that drop them, pull away, come back for "itch duty", I have a sneaking suspicion that an avatar of a California raisin would be more realistic. (maybe a California prune).


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> What's worse in my book - this cow did admit it was "inappropriate to laugh" but what got me sooo mad was the amount of support she got from the other twits.
> 
> "yeah, its funny, I would have laughed too!"
> 
> ...


Certainly not a lot of compassion, empathy or understanding for what the betrayed spouse is going through.

Narcissistic people involved in group think are capable of some amazing cruelty.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The bus couldn't hit and kill a more worthy piece of human vermin.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

My first glimpse into the mind of a demon. I doubt if this one is possessed, sounds like she is the actual thing. Her husband needs to get her exWH0REcized.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Pure selfishness.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

At the risk of sounding like this guy: Rush Limbaugh Show Opening Theme - My City Was Gone by The Pretenders [Instrumental/Rush Remix] - YouTube.... I can't help but feel proud that a few of us may have made the owner of the site to have second thoughts. It's officially shut down except for the archive threads. Son in the end, good triumphed over evil.

Hats off to those of you who spent time over there acting like foghorns and lighthouses...lol
:smnotworthy::yawn2::smnotworthy::yawn2:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If you take a woman back who laughs at you for crying about her affair, you deserve her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I hope all you BS out there, don't bite. This is meant to rile you all up, not really sure why she's posting here in the first place, it's almost like she's taken every cliched WS connivance and is throwing it in everyone's face.

For any BS currently dealing with their own fall outs this would be an insight into a truly unrepentant WS. Terrible


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> I hope all you BS out there, don't bite. This is meant to rile you all up, not really sure why she's posting here in the first place, it's almost like she's taken every cliched WS connivance and is throwing it in everyone's face.
> 
> For any BS currently dealing with their own fall outs this would be an insight into a truly unrepentant WS. Terrible


Guys, the OP was taken from a cheaters site (DC) and does not portray any person or situation on TAM. The woman is heinous and sick - that is for certain - but for the BS's that are on THIS SITE (as opposed to the BS in the story) you end up having the last laugh. If you happen to visit that site, you will see a write up by the owner of that site titled: *"Why This Site Will No Longer Be A Safe Haven For Cheaters"*. I assume that Alpha followed a link from that article. I won't link the article here because I am not sure if the mods here would allow that; however, bear in mind that the forums over there are shut down. The site owner became overcome with guilt and shame once he sat back to observe who his clientele were. The woman referenced in the OP no longer has the safe haven of that forum, and it was her callous behavior that she documented for all to see in that forum that contributed to the decision to shut down those forums. 

Putting this woman's post into that context, the BS's who come to TAM may even feel that they have the last laugh. Sure, the woman may have found another safe haven to post her filth. But she had the rug pulled out from under her when what she considered a safe haven decided to find her behavior disgusting in the forum of human decency.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

illwill said:


> If you take a woman back who laughs at you for crying about her affair, you deserve her.


Yep. 

I think it is time we stop focusing our shaming on the cheating $luts for being cheating $luts, and instead apply some though love on the beta males who lack the minimal self-respect to stop their own humiliation. Most of them will not get it, but rare cases can be saved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Numbersixxx said:


> Yep.
> 
> I think it is time we stop focusing our shaming on the cheating $luts for being cheating $luts, and instead apply some though love on the beta males who lack the minimal self-respect to stop their own humiliation. Most of them will not get it, but rare cases can be saved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What every beta male needs is a Shining Amulet of Shamwow.

(+5 to self respect, +3 to calm and reason, +3 to repel shameless slvts, +200 defense, +500 attack, +1000 cause frenzy, immunity to fog)


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Numbersixxx said:


> I think it is time we stop focusing our shaming on the cheating $luts for being cheating $luts, and instead apply some though love on the beta males who lack the minimal self-respect to stop their own humiliation. Most of them will not get it, but rare cases can be saved.


Oh some, like me, eventually get it.... My wife was way, way worse than just laughing. 

You just can’t shame the ones without any self-esteem left. They will spin it; I would have. Remember that you have no self-esteem or self-worth and are most likely also co-dependant... When you are like this, you tend to look to those you are closest to validate you are special. And my wife had isolated me from friends... That left her in that spot and her words mirrored how I felt about myself; I was a piece of garbage. I wasn’t allowed to have pats on the back and my every attempt she found fault in as I struggled to find something where I was valued. I got that ‘outside the marriage’, but inside it, I was a rotten husband, horrible lover, bad father, bad roommate, etc. I was damn lucky she was sticking it out and “trying to make me a better man”. I f’n cringe when I look back.

Shaming... It just validates what we already think. Instead, give them the tools to fight back and build our own self-worth regardless of what our pos spouses say or do.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Racer, how did you overcome low self esteem?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That is one of the worst things I have ever read. I have no words. Well, actually, I do. But I will refrain from using them.

She doesn't deserve a husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Incidentally, even her married man got sick of her s**t!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Racer, how did you overcome low self esteem?


Not responding for Racer (hope he comes back to the thread) but for many other cases I know. Sometimest the low self steem was not there as individual remarkable issue but become one as a byproduct of an emotional abusive partner. Boiling frog effect works the same if you change the "habitual" genders and bully tactics.
They way to change it is to detach and finnaly wake up to really see what's going on here. It happens bullies are often the ones with little to no self steem, that's why the are bullies.
I believe the right answer is to get away from them but some found a way to reverse the dynamics by showing the bully who they are actually.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

But doesn't accepting that person as a partner to begin with comment on your self esteem? Because most people will eventually show you who they are. 

And usually early on the dynamics of a relationship are set up. So, why do they stay or deny the flaws? Is it because they already believe they cannot do better?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

AlphaHalf, what has happened in your life to make behave like this? Did your H hurt you in the past? Or some other long lost male? I just don't understand...? I seriously think you need to book in for an MRI for any brain tumors or something, seriously, this is NOT normal behavior. At the very least you need psychiatric help.

I pray that your H finds happiness and the help he will need in the future...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> AlphaHalf, what has happened in your life to make behave like this? Did your H hurt you in the past? Or some other long lost male? I just don't understand...? I seriously think you need to book in for an MRI for any brain tumors or something, seriously, this is NOT normal behavior. At the very least you need psychiatric help.
> 
> I pray that your H finds happiness and the help he will need in the future...


 I'm a man. This story is not from me.This is part of a post I got from another sight. I posted as an example for betrayed spouses could learn from and insight into the mind of a remorseless cheater. 

Thanks for your concern though, I still may need psychiatric help for other issues. My friends tease me and say I'm a little crazy.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

illwill said:


> But doesn't accepting that person as a partner to begin with comment on your self esteem? Because most people will eventually show you who they are.
> 
> And usually early on the dynamics of a relationship are set up. So, why do they stay or deny the flaws? Is it because they already believe they cannot do better?


I think it's a matter of integrity and polarized value systems. BS values integrity, WS pretends to. With integrity, we go down with our ships. It's not about "can't do better". It's about "every human being is fallable" and part of it is, dealing with your baggage instead of transferring it to another relationship. When the time is right, moving on with no baggage is a breeze.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

illwill said:


> Racer, how did you overcome low self esteem?


I can’t say I’ve overcome it exactly; I’m more of a sick monkey... It was a problem for me before my wife as well, so I’ve been fighting low self-esteem and depression almost 30 years. To put it in simple terms, most mornings I wake up and the first thought in my head is “I want to die.”... then start humming the smurf theme song for some reason instead of being worried. How I’ve changed is finding strength in having no self-esteem or self-worth... They aren’t important to me. And that makes me powerful. 


I came at it from ‘the other side’. As I was down at the bottom of the well splashing about while she threw rocks at me... I recognized all my worst fears, worries, etc. came to be anyway. I was a loser. I just sort of embraced that notion. A loser has nothing to lose or worry about. There is nothing you can do to make it worse. So why not do it? I just put “rules” in place to align with my morals and ethics. It becomes about restraint of yourself... And fuel and fire? Plenty of emotions to work with to propel me forward. Rage is one hell of a motivator.



illwill said:


> But doesn't accepting that person as a partner to begin with comment on your self esteem? Because most people will eventually show you who they are.
> 
> And usually early on the dynamics of a relationship are set up. So, why do they stay or deny the flaws? Is it because they already believe they cannot do better?


 It’s gets to my self-esteem issue. The way I am by default is to rip myself apart for any perceived flaws and failed expectations I placed on myself. So, I had low self-esteem and struggled finding value. Double whammy is I placed entirely to much value on how I believed others see and judge me. (The silly part is you make most of ‘what they are thinking’ up in your head). Then I met this fantastic girl I believed is way out of my league (remember I thought I wasn’t a catch).... and she’s really into me. I felt good about myself and basically associated those feelings with how she saw me... I wasn’t a loser anymore. 

A few years go by, and like any marriage, there are complaints. You feel less of that sparkle in their eyes. So... you start trying to do stuff to get it back so you feel good about yourself again. And the dynamic starts. You go doormat. She’d ask herself: “What happened to that 'fun guy'?” I know.... I was that fun guy because back then her love I felt had me on top of the world about how I viewed myself. Her view I no longer saw like that... So... I wasn't fun, I saw the loser in the mirror. 

A key to absolutely recognize... They don’t make you feel like that. You do it to yourself. You interpret whatever they are sending your way, adding in your perceptions, filling in a few blanks, and judging yourself. Start looking at the standards you judge yourself against and where they came from. Adjust your expectations you place on yourself. And... well... live. Just sort of embrace everything coming your way as something new and adjust rather than attempt to control it; I tried to control it... and failed. Now I just deal with it. I chose who I want to be.


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## Sudden404 (Feb 26, 2013)

Racer said:


> I can’t say I’ve overcome it exactly; I’m more of a sick monkey... It was a problem for me before my wife as well, so I’ve been fighting low self-esteem and depression almost 30 years. To put it in simple terms, most mornings I wake up and the first thought in my head is “I want to die.”... then start humming the smurf theme song for some reason instead of being worried. How I’ve changed is finding strength in having no self-esteem or self-worth... They aren’t important to me. And that makes me powerful.
> 
> 
> I came at it from ‘the other side’. As I was down at the bottom of the well splashing about while she threw rocks at me... I recognized all my worst fears, worries, etc. came to be anyway. I was a loser. I just sort of embraced that notion. A loser has nothing to lose or worry about. There is nothing you can do to make it worse. So why not do it? I just put “rules” in place to align with my morals and ethics. It becomes about restraint of yourself... And fuel and fire? Plenty of emotions to work with to propel me forward. Rage is one hell of a motivator.
> ...


Everything you just described is 'ego'.

Self-esteem & self-worth are simply concepts, the end result of trying to measure ourselves.

In the end, what is there to measure? And what is there to compare?

We are all blood and sinew and muscle and bones. Nothing makes one better than another.

Sadness comes from indulging in obtaining or losing what you're attached to, be it things or people (or emotions involved with such endeavors). Joy is manifested by detaching.

Just some thoughts. I'm in CO too btw. Lots of pretty girls here.


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