# Thanks for patience - I did it.



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

To all who have sighed, rolled their eyes, given advice and felt I didn't take it, etc... it's over.

Due to his cell service and lack of communication any other way, I sent him a lengthy email and quoted from a previous one we'd batted back and forth after our 'talk' about him having to fix himself. I told him he wasn't fixing, he was healing and not his fault but I needed to know the rules and him becoming more and more distant made it obvious.

I told him I was going through a lot of the same stuff (dog dying, job upheaval, holidays, etc.) but with most couples they lean on each other, not push them away. I said I had asked for boundaries but he wouldn't give them. Gave him specific examples and concluded that I had deserved to know 'the rules'. 

I said the fact he didn't introduce me to friends, hang out on weekends with him, invite me to his church or on weekend trips that weren't guys only (went to stay with married people) it was obvious he didn't put me in that category as a gf/keeper and him saying it was because he didn't want his STBXW to know he had a gf because of his divorce settlement has ZERO legal bearing because they were physically separated and has no impact on equitable distribution in our state.

Told him he'd be OK and make it through, we all do. And joked that now I'm stuck with a brand new bottle of gin and I don't even like gin.

So it's over. Thanks to all who tolerated pissing and moaning.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm so proud of you. 

I know you would have rather things worked out, and this hurts. 

You are obviously a very special woman. You deserved to be treated that way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If he realizes he made a huge mistake, I expect big changes. If he doesn't, I move on. I think everyone deserves love and happiness. It's not about being special. I only need to be special to one person and I DO deserve that.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The dude was married?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yay, EW! It is hard to move on, and I'm glad that you are no longer giving your emotional energy to that sorry-ass man who could not whole-heartedly commit to you. Now go find someone awesome! It is worth the effort.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You let him off the hook (not a criticism of you)... he obviously did not have the "balls" to tell you straight. "Beating around the bush" and being vague on these issues from a male perspective is a clear sign (at least to me), that he lost interest but did not have the guts to call it off. Essentially you are better off without him. I will echo what others have said, you have more to offer than this guy could handle. Take Care


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> The dude was married?


*NO* (Jellybean will argue) they had been separated with no hope of R when I met him. She was a WW and is still seeing the OM (who does happen to also be married - he wants to expose once the divorce is final).

I really really hate that in this state you have to be physically or legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

He'll look back later and wish he had handled everything differently. But....he's gonna need another year or so to clear the rest of the demons out of his head. You did the right thing for you and at this point in the game that is all that matters. 

So, since you are free this weekend, where should we go?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm guessing GinnyTonia will take that bottle off of your hands? Lol.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Something new will come your way. Clean out your emotional and physical space, and hold your intentions clear in your heart <3

Don't you dare return that dress, you will probably need it for New Year's!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Something new will come your way. Clean out your emotional and physical space, and hold your intentions clear in your heart <3
> 
> Don't you dare return that dress, you will probably need it for New Year's!


I got one for New Year's, too. I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have!  black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years!  

So Paradise - which dress do you prefer?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I got one for New Year's, too. I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have!  black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years!
> 
> So Paradise - which dress do you prefer?


Take more pics...  Always eye candy to see a beautiful woman in a dress.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise said:


> He'll look back later and wish he had handled everything differently. But....he's gonna need another year or so to clear the rest of the demons out of his head. You did the right thing for you and at this point in the game that is all that matters.
> 
> So, since you are free this weekend, where should we go?


Sun or snow?


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I got one for New Year's, too. I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have!  black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years!
> 
> So Paradise - which dress do you prefer?


Oh my....Well, I'll have to see you in both! However, I can tie you up with the sheer overlay at midnight on New Years!:smthumbup:


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Enjoli.... C'mon down to FL and we will go trolling together! Perfect solution! We would have a blast!!!!

AND we could take pictures and make all the guys drool and wish they were here!!! LMAO

BTW, off topic

DRE I realized the way I type must make you crazy so im being careful to actually SPELL OUT words!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> To all who have sighed, rolled their eyes, given advice and felt I didn't take it, etc... it's over.
> 
> Due to his cell service and lack of communication any other way, I sent him a lengthy email and quoted from a previous one we'd batted back and forth after our 'talk' about him having to fix himself. I told him he wasn't fixing, he was healing and not his fault but I needed to know the rules and him becoming more and more distant made it obvious.
> 
> ...


You were in a similar situation as I am/was. I met someone about 7 months ago. Very decent guy in a lot of ways, generous, super kind. The problem was he was not emotionally available. I think you know my whole Mr. Unavailable story from the ladies lounge. I went on a few rants. I'd get disappointed in his behavior, not contacting me as much as I wanted etc. So, I took a 6 week break. It was tough, I missed him a lot, but I also went on dates, and that really helped me realize that I really didn't need to make him a priority any longer. We started contacting after the 6 weeks, and things were different for me this time. I told him I was dating, and I know he's not super keen about it, but says nothing. He's more into seeing me now, answers my texts more readily, I guess he figures he'll lose a good thing...lol. I'm not sure how long your're guy was separated, but mine has been separated for over a year, and I have to say I see a huge difference in the last few months from when I first met him. There should be progression to their healing, and we aren't in charge or responsible for it.

So, I'm glad you made a decision, staying in limbo sucks. Start dating other people, nothing serious, just going out and taking your mind off of him. When you meet someone who's available, you'll see the difference, they're more communicative, and they want you to meet their friends and family.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

What's funny is since I sent him the email and outlined what I needed and expected and wasn't getting and... let it open ended but I'm sure he gets the idea - he has posted to me and my daughter in FB (in a fun way), he has sent me a text message and plans to reply in full later.

AND I DON'T CARE! Not that I don't care about HIM - but if it doesn't work out I'm ok.  I know I can't fix him and I told him what I needed and expected and that I can't be in limbo.

I put myself first and whatever the fallout, I'm good with it. I'll read your story.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Enjoli

Without knowing what he said, sounds more like he just wants you to be some back up plan (limbo) for some later point in his life. I know you still care about him somewhat and I understand; time invested. But, I can say this as a third person which again is no judgement you - he is spineless. All that earlier discussion about real men. Real men come clean with their commitments. Take Care.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Your needs are real and it's good to advocate for them. If they can't be met in a relationship, that's about the size of things. You know you gave it the opportunity and it just didn't fly. Sometimes two people can be perfectly themselves, solid gold at heart but the way they relate when together just doesn't work. At the beginning of a relationship, most people are not really settled in to being truly themselves...it does take a while, takes some exploration and trial and error and honesty with oneself. I think it's really difficult to put on the selfish hat in a relationship, that is to look at whether your needs are getting met. But it really is necessary. I find that over time and having gone to therapy, and getting down to the business of really attending to my needs in my own day to day life, I'm much more aware in a relationship of any kind, what kind of needs are being met, and to what degree, also I'm more aware of the needs that I fill in any relationship (of any kind) and how best to give of myself in those.

I wouldn't consider this relationship a failure. You did contribute positively to each other's lives in some way...when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. Change is always traumatic...I find it helps just to accept change as traumatic, and to try not to blame the trauma on anything other than generally being pissed off at the hard work of change and the human adjustment to it (that takes time and elbow grease, mental and physical.)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Oh my....Well, I'll have to see you in both! However, I can tie you up with the sheer overlay at midnight on New Years!:smthumbup:


LOL the sheer part doesn't come off - it's part of the dress - lets the sparkle come through while keeping the dress from being too bling-y


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks HNU and Drerio -

It just became very clear no matter how compatible and perfect we COULD be, we just weren't because we were in two very different places in our lives and by the time he 'catches up' I will have waited around way too long.

I feel relieved at having made some sort of decision about this. I feel lighter today - just not weighed down by the situation.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm guessing GinnyTonia will take that bottle off of your hands? Lol.


Always happy to help.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> LOL the sheer part doesn't come off - it's part of the dress - lets the sparkle come through while keeping the dress from being too bling-y


I'll bring handcuffs, then. And my copy of 50 shades of Grey. :rofl:

Sorry, the silly season is already beginning to get to me! And, I'm feeling like an idiot for not having some place to go on New Years. Ugh.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise said:


> I'll bring handcuffs, then. And my copy of 50 shades of Grey. :rofl:
> 
> Sorry, the silly season is already beginning to get to me! And, I'm feeling like an idiot for not having some place to go on New Years. Ugh.


I've read 50 shades and although not shocked, that kind of intimacy takes a huge amount of trust. The Alpha crowd thinks it's about 'taking' the woman and it's not. It's about emotional intimacy. She 'fixes' him - loves him into emotional health by being willing to be his everything. AND he adores everything about her unconditionally (who doesn't want that?).

Seriousness aside,

I don't have any New Year's plans, either. I haven't had a kiss on midnight in 9 years. As I said elsewhere I'm going to go somewhere and grab the first available male at midnight and lay one on him! :rofl:


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've read 50 shades and although not shocked, that kind of intimacy takes a huge amount of trust. The Alpha crowd thinks it's about 'taking' the woman and it's not. It's about emotional intimacy. She 'fixes' him - loves him into emotional health by being willing to be his everything. AND he adores everything about her unconditionally (who doesn't want that?).


Alpha - pfft, boys. I pretty figure these guys are droids who lack any personality or sense of humor. 




EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't have any New Year's plans, either. I haven't had a kiss on midnight in 9 years. As I said elsewhere I'm going to go somewhere and grab the first available male at midnight and lay one on him! :rofl:


I told you Enjoli... you come here I will find you a nice muscular polynesian gentleman, who does not need to define himself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Drerio - start up a collection because airfare from the Charlotte Douglas International Airport to Hawaii during the holidays isn't going to be cheap!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've read 50 shades and although not shocked, that kind of intimacy takes a huge amount of trust. The Alpha crowd thinks it's about 'taking' the woman and it's not. It's about emotional intimacy. She 'fixes' him - loves him into emotional health by being willing to be his everything. AND he adores everything about her unconditionally (who doesn't want that?).
> 
> Seriousness aside,
> 
> I don't have any New Year's plans, either. I haven't had a kiss on midnight in 9 years. As I said elsewhere I'm going to go somewhere and grab the first available male at midnight and lay one on him! :rofl:


You're due then! 

Haha, my new ummm interest and I have brought up Shades several times in conversation but neither of us have read it. It's entertaining even without opening it. I saw a woman using it as a fashion accessory, it was hilarious, given the setting she unwittingly put herself in.

I might read it during the summer, why not.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I hear this song I think I hear EnjoliWoman singing. 

tristan prettyman - guest check - YouTube


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Drerio - start up a collection because airfare from the Charlotte Douglas International Airport to Hawaii during the holidays isn't going to be cheap!


Hey, EW! I know where that is. In '84-'85, I lived on Nations Ford Road and worked at an architectural woodworking shop in Pineville. What a blast from the past. 

Hope this doesn't sound creepy.


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've read 50 shades and although not shocked, that kind of intimacy takes a huge amount of trust. The Alpha crowd thinks it's about 'taking' the woman and it's not. It's about emotional intimacy. She 'fixes' him - loves him into emotional health by being willing to be his everything. AND he adores everything about her unconditionally (who doesn't want that?).
> 
> Seriousness aside,
> 
> I don't have any New Year's plans, either. I haven't had a kiss on midnight in 9 years. As I said elsewhere I'm going to go somewhere and grab the first available male at midnight and lay one on him! :rofl:


If you look anything like your avatar I don't think you will have a problem finding a fella to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve..

Hell, If you do I might make the 8 hr drive to NC and lay one on you at midnight :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like at best he is not ready for a new relationship and is still healing from the separation and infidelity from his wife.

At worst he's a guy who just does not get women or does not care.

You are better off no matter what.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

didntcitcoming said:


> If you look anything like your avatar I don't think you will have a problem finding a fella to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve..
> 
> Hell, If you do I might make the 8 hr drive to NC and lay one on you at midnight :smthumbup:


Sorry, nope. Short brunette hair, green eyes, slightly fluffy build.  I AM cute but I don't look like the woman in the commercials. I just play her in real life.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He has texted me several times, and I have replied. I don't think I'm going to reply anymore.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sorry, nope. Short brunette hair, green eyes, slightly fluffy build.  I AM cute but I don't look like the woman in the commercials. I just play her in real life.


You sell yourself short.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

drerio said:


> You sell yourself short.


 LOL That's what COGuy said but then he met me in RL  I should ask him what his honest opinion is so I can make sure my dating profile is accurate from a male perspective.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> LOL That's what COGuy said but then he met me in RL  I should ask him what his honest opinion is so I can make sure my dating profile is accurate from a male perspective.


Normally one should get more than single opinion. So if you want you can turn this thread into a pic portfolio. Just giving a helpful suggestion


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> LOL That's what COGuy said but then he met me in RL  I should ask him what his honest opinion is so I can make sure my dating profile is accurate from a male perspective.


Someone said my name?!

You're cute EW! Don't sell yourself short. I don't feel like you were deceptive at all in your description or pics. Very Adeleish 

Go find your sugar daddy!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Ok, EW... There you have it.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Someone say pics??? 


EW, just went over the thread again. Don't feel bad. You did everything, every man on this thread (just about) wished their wives would do. And that's try! 

So... no pix?


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