# Help: my girlfriend told me that she slept with a friend's husband before we met



## mindgames08 (May 3, 2015)

I have been with her for a year; I'm 23, she's 28 with a 7-year-old daughter. I love her very much and we have even talked about marriage, though we agreed it's a way's off.

So last night she got very drunk and insisted that we go out with her sister so they could drink more. At one point she started babbling about how she was not a good person and when I asked why, she told me that about six years ago she had sex with her friend's husband. I asked how many times and she said "five?". (She later tried to say it was only once, and when I asked her why she told me five the first time, she said "I was being facetious.") I asked if the friend ever found out, she said no. Needless to say I was taken aback (horrified, really) because I've been cheated on before and I have trust issues as is. Seeing that I was upset, she started getting annoyed that I wasn't taking it well; she seemed to think she deserved credit for telling me and that I should trust her more for it. She ended up dropping me off at my car and then going off with her sister to keep drinking.

I guess she was honest with me, but I don't think she would have told me that if she hadn't been drunk. Also, while it was six years ago, it still speaks leagues about her character. Also, this was her friend! How could she stab her in the back like that, and more than once, without ever confessing or trying to make it right?

I don't know what to do. I worry that this will always be in the back of my mind in the future, and it's made me lose a lot of respect for her in general. Should I cut her loose or try to work through it?


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

*Help: my girlfriend told me she slept with her friend's husband*



mindgames08 said:


> ...we have talked about marriage, though we agreed it's a way's off.


Are you ready to bet half your stuff that a confessed cheater is a good choice for marriage?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yes, you should cut her loose. Five times isn't a mistake. It's a pattern. While the sex (that you know about) happened six years ago, she thought you should be cool with her reprehensible conduct last night. She got annoyed with you. In her mind, you were the problem last night and you haven't boned anyone's husband or wife as far as we know. I'd say she's probably qualified as someone to have sex with but I wouldn't be sliding a ring on her finger, buying a home with her, planning a future with her, mingling expenses, etc. She has huge character issues and it's possible she has an alcohol problem. She's got a 7 year old daughter. After she's already "quite drunk", she goes out with you to get drunker. After drinking more and dropping off the reasonable adult who has a problem with adultery, she doesn't go home. She goes out to consume more alcohol and probably to socialize with nonjudgmental types who don't mind hanging out with people who have the morals of a goat. I'm all about enjoying the occasional beer or Tennessee whiskey, but I don't need to completely lose my mind or spend the entire night drinking. Also, if I go out drinking with folks, I don't drop them off at their car.


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## mindgames08 (May 3, 2015)

*Re: Help: my girlfriend told me she slept with her friend's husband*



Leobwin said:


> Are you ready to bet half your stuff that a confessed cheater is a good choice for marriage?


But what if she's changed? She seemed to feel guilty about it and didn't have to tell me.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I bet you haven't been with enough women or gotten laid enough for you to even consider marrying this skank of a woman. Rule #1, never marry a woman who has children. Rule #2, never marry a woman who has been around. Rule #3, as a man ideally you should marry younger. She has been on the co*k carousel, has the patterns of a cheat, and is looking at you, the beta boy, to be her white night. 

Marry her and ruin your life. Good chance too that your future child together won't even be yours, but of course she won't tell you that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She ended up dropping me off at my car and then going off with her sister to keep drinking.


And this is she manages stress. And what was she so stressed about? the impending date of your nuptials perhaps?


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

mindgames08 said:


> I'm 23, she's 28 with a 7-year-old daughter.












Also, sleeping with someone else's husband is also bad. Run fast, run hard.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You have dated and year and now learned her true character. Is this the woman you would want to have kids with?

The fact that she did this, 5 times, and never told her friend pretty much says it all


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ripper said:


> Also, sleeping with someone else's husband is also bad. Run fast, run hard.



Remember, too, it was a friend's husband. At least, it wasn't a "best friend's" husband. I'll give her kudos for that.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
you need to decide what matters to YOU. There is a reasonable chance that someone who has cheated will do so again. Entirely up to YOU if that is a deal breaker or not.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your girlfriend had an affair with a married man. She had sex with him five times. Worse yet, this man is married to her friend. Your girlfriend is just that; girlfriend material. You need to move on. This is not honesty on her part. This is a blunder information while she was drunk. 

You are only 23 years old. This woman is five years older than you are and is already a single mother. This is a wide gap of age and experience at your age group. In addition, she has no respect for you as she dropped you off and continued her drinking with her sister. She is a party girl with a child.

You deserve a better woman than this one. Don't ruin your life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> Your girlfriend had an affair with a married man. She had sex with him five times. Worse yet, this man is married to her friend. Your girlfriend is just that; girlfriend material. You need to move on. This is not honesty on her part. This is a blunder information while she was drunk.
> 
> You are only 23 years old. *This woman is five years older than you are and is already a single mother.* This is a wide gap of age and experience at your age group. In addition, she has no respect for you as she dropped you off and continued her drinking with her sister. She is a party girl with a child.
> 
> You deserve a better woman than this one. Don't ruin your life.


yeah, what do you know about the baby daddy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your girlfriend shows a huge lack of remorse by not telling her girlfriend what she did. Had she done so, and that friendship ended, you could at least give your GF credit for having been honest and taking her medicine. 

But she did not. She screwed over her friend and never made it right. This shows a huge amount of selfishness as well as cruelty. She is so selfish she would rather spend her life hating herself than coming clean. Imagine the long term psychological and physical effects that will manifest from this. 

Seriously brother, is this the kind of person you want to merge your life with? Think long and hard. If she could pull this sh!t on her "best"friend" just think what she could do to you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Had you hid your shock and disgust and managed to hang around while she got more intoxicated, I expect you would have heard more little revelations that would make you shriek in terror and run for the hills like your butt was on fire. People tell us who they are. She flat out told you she wasn't a "good" person and I believe you ought to give that information some very serious weight. Notice she did not tell you she used to be a bad person. She said she's not (present tense) a good person. If she's ever really felt any guilt over her past, it wasn't significant enough to make her confess to her alleged friend or to admit these flaws to a prospective fiance' without the prodding of copious alcohol ingestion.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Are you f*cking crazy??? Lmao, to many people here jumping on the assumption bandwagon.

She slept with her friends husband. Maybe under girl code, that is a violation, but as far as I am concerned, she never actually cheated on her own SO. 

This is about you and your morals. If you feel as though your now girlfriend is a home-wrecker (which she is) and that she may even possibly cheat on you, then leave. On another note, this was 6 years ago. I've slept with girls who had boyfriends in my past time (maybe even married women, who knows) but I have NEVER EVER cheated on any girl I dated, nor my current girl. 

Personally, you seem extremely weak. You let a 6 year venture get to you and you allowed her to drop you off at the car while she stayed out. By your reaction, goodluck ever getting ANY deep secrets out of her future-wise. Next time, walk to your car and man the f*ck up. Tell her if she was going to stay out that you were done. If this woman doesn't do it for you, drop her and move on. This is trial and error my friend.

And whoever this Alpha guy is with his 3 rules. Get out of here. A woman who has a kid, or has slept around, or is older than you does not spell a ruined life. Under your stupid logic, you would have to date a f*cking 16 year old if you are 23, like the OP. Just shut up.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Have you ever heard the term "assumption of risk"? Basically, its when you engage in an action that people can later say, "he knew the risks, but went ahead anyway". 

You are a guy just starting out with a pretty clean slate. Her? Well, she's got a child that will be entering the adolescent years quickly, while you're at an age most guys can't even change a diaper. She's got self-image problems, is a morose drunk at times, and has a 5 year jump on you race to wrinkles.

Forewarned is forearmed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

When people admit their mistakes, they usually appreciate some understanding. By the way you reacted, I have to agree with the others that she will be unlikely to trust you again. 

Please break up with her, and find someone whose past does not horrify you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> When people admit their mistakes, they usually appreciate some understanding. By the way you reacted, I have to agree with the others that she will be unlikely to trust you again.
> 
> Please break up with her, and find someone whose past does not horrify you.


Which posters are you agreeing with that stated they way he reacted she will not trust him?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Which posters are you agreeing with that stated they way he reacted she will not trust him?


wise and, I thought, unbelievable.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> She ended up dropping me off at my car and then going off with her sister to keep drinking.


Where does she live because I would like to make sure I am not anywhere on the road while she's drinking and driving.

She did something stupid and wrong 6 years ago as a 21 year old. I'm sure she's done other stupid things, too. My guess is there are other things you don't know about. Is she still that person? Does she still do stupid things? It seems that she does since drinking and driving is ok with her.

What's your story? Most of the 23 year old guys I used to know wouldn't be keen on an older woman with a child. How did you meet? What keeps you together? Have you dated much?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mindgames08 said:


> I have been with her for a year; I'm 23, she's 28 with a 7-year-old daughter. I love her very much and we have talked about marriage, though we agreed it's a way's off.
> 
> So last night she got very drunk and insisted that we go out with her sister so they could drink more. At one point she started babbling about how she was not a good person and when I asked why, she told me that about six years ago she had sex with her friend's husband. I asked how many times and she said "five?". (She later tried to say it was only once, and when I asked her why she told me five the first time, she said "I was being facetious.") I asked if the friend ever found out, she said no. Needless to say I was taken aback (horrified, really) because I've been cheated on before and I have trust issues as is. Seeing that I was upset, she started getting annoyed that I wasn't taking it well; she seemed to think she deserved credit for telling me and that I should trust her more for it. She ended up dropping me off at my car and then going off with her sister to keep drinking.
> 
> ...


Dump her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Help: my girlfriend told me she slept with her friend's husband*



mindgames08 said:


> But what if she's changed? She seemed to feel guilty about it and didn't have to tell me.


Aww... how cute. And amazingly naive.

If she'd changed in any way worth consideration, she'd have confessed her transgressions to her friend.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Cut her loose. You are a lucky man. Her moral boundaries are non existent. When she should have been home taking care of her child she was out banging her friend's husband.

She's also a bad drunk. Instead of wanting to talk over things with you, she brings you home and goes out for more drinks. She really puts you first huh?

Run --- do not walk --- to the nearest exit.

If need be, stay home and just date lefty and righty for awhile. They know what you like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The fact that she was angry by your response speaks volumes. She drops a bombshell on you and gets upset with you being upset, then stays out drinking. She does not sound like a good woman. She used the present tense to describe herself as a bad person for her past behavior, which shows she has not moved on from it and still sees herself as the woman who betrayed her friend. Do you really want to build your life with a woman who betrays those close to her?
Don't waste another moment on this relationship. Move on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Help: my girlfriend told me she slept with her friend's husband*



GusPolinski said:


> *If she'd changed in any way worth consideration, she'd have confessed her transgressions to her friend*.


I agree with this.. THIS would speak volumes...that's humility in it most difficult form..Honesty like that is a very rare find ..most of us do not allow our consciences to go to those lengths to get ourselves RIGHT before others... showing that our remorse is genuine....if we did... what a better world it would be .. even if we look like a snake.. it gives us something to rebuild, and get it right.. not hiding. I think many vices (like drinking) are BORN out of these sorts of actions.. to numb those guilty consciences. 

What you have here is... she got plastered DRUNK & spilled her guts to you in a moment that would have otherwise NEVER came forth from her lips.. what good is there about this..

Her drinking alone is a huge problem , despite this character revelation..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's very true that people do stupid things when they are young, things that they really regret. Sometimes they change. Sometimes they don't. Your problem is that you don't know if she was just using the poor judgment of youth or if she has a permanent character flaw.

I would err on the side of self-preservation if I were you and not bank on a future with her. You have lots of time to find someone without this huge question mark attached to her character.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

wise said:


> Are you f*cking crazy??? Lmao, to many people here jumping on the assumption bandwagon.
> 
> She slept with her friends husband. Maybe under girl code, that is a violation, but as far as I am concerned, she never actually cheated on her own SO.
> 
> ...


The OP has been considering marrying this woman. Most of us would like to find a partner of decent character because the costs of latching onto a bad one are really high. He thought he was dating someone of decent character and now he learns information that she may have serious flaws. If she was knowingly boinking the husband of her close friend, this speaks volumes about her respect for marriage and about her loyalty. Why would he have any reason to expect higher behavior from her? I'd be most concerned over her getting pissed at him for having a strong reaction to this sort of news. Even now that they've been talking about getting married, she doesn't seem to think adultery with her friend's husband was a big deal. She thinks the OP is the one with the problem. Not all women sleep with their friends' husbands and keep the matter concealed for years while still retaining a friendship with the clueless victim. That actually takes a pretty low person. 
You don't think your past choices have any bearing on your present relationships? If you were hiring a person for a position of great trust (maybe a bank guard), would the fact that they had committed five bank robberies six years ago influence your decision? Adults don't usually change characters in six years.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

is she still friends with this couple? has she been around this man since then? do you know him? maybe her confession was spurred on by some recent activities


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Your girlfriend is a loser, and your an even bigger loser if you make excuses for her.

Thank God you found this out before marriage.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> is she still friends with this couple? has she been around this man since then? do you know him? maybe her confession was spurred on by some recent activities


These are some very good questions


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think your very first order of the day is to get her to stop drinking and driving.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

showing her true colors......

she is warning you about the real her. you can either see her for what she is or keep your head buried and accept the consequences later on down the road when she take half your assets.


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## Rick Barrow (Apr 14, 2015)

Are you ready to be dropped off the car or smth like that from time to time? I think that's the most confusing moment in this situation. 
It's up to you to decide. But admit, that you don't this woman well. It's early to say that you're confident in her.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Run.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Is this seriously up for discussion? Drop her like a bad habit and find someone that deserves your love, loyalty and investment. 

Drunk cheater with anger management issues? Please?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: Help: my girlfriend told me she slept with her friend's husband*



mindgames08 said:


> But what if she's changed? She seemed to feel guilty about it and didn't have to tell me.





mindgames08 said:


> Seeing that I was upset, she started getting annoyed that I wasn't taking it well; she seemed to think she deserved credit for telling me and that I should trust her more for it.


You do understand these do not go together right?

If she really felt guilty she'd understand your apprehension. Annoyed comes when you don't let it go months or years down the road.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Discussion. What has she done to become a different person? She used to be a manipulative and skanky backstabbing @#$%&*!

If she hasn't done very hard work to change then she still is.

Being a lush isn't that attractive either, is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

This woman will cheat on you. Dump her, I bet she moves on within 2 weeks, and slanders the sh!t out of you to discredit what you already know of her.


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## mindgames08 (May 3, 2015)

Against my better judgment (and the advice of everyone on this forum, apparently), I decided to give her another chance. She didn't take the offer.

Yesterday (the morning after) I told her I needed some time to process everything. I wanted to cool off before saying or doing something I'd regret. She called and when I didn't answer, she started texted things like "save me the speech", "i'll just cancel our future plans, then" and "let me know if you still want to be friends, probably not though". No apologies or remorse.

This morning I texted her to meet me for coffee so we could talk. I gave her a time and location and told her that if she didn't show up she would never hear from me again. If she had just showed up and apologized, I could have taken her back; I even brought a gift I'd been waiting to give her for months--that's how stupidly in love with her I am.

Was. She didn't show. She called a few times (I didn't answer) and texted excuses that her sister (who she lives with) wanted to go out that night and couldn't watch her daughter. It wasn't until I'd waited there for almost an hour that I realized she wasn't coming.

Was it unfair of me to give her an ultimatum like that? The way I see it, she had all day to either hire a sitter, call a friend, or tell her sister to take the night off. She must have thought I was bluffing. What's sad is that I was prepared to move past this. It wasn't the information about the affair that caused this--it was her drinking, her callous behavior, and her lack of desire to make things right. How could she not see that?

What can I say? I'm heartbroken and I feel foolish, let down. I can't believe I actually wanted to marry this woman. It's a good thing I didn't.



norajane said:


> What's your story? Most of the 23 year old guys I used to know wouldn't be keen on an older woman with a child. How did you meet? What keeps you together? Have you dated much?


We met at work. I fell in love with her pretty much immediately, though I’ve never told her that; I take things slow because I have a history of depression and was worried that if it reappeared it might hurt the relationship and (more importantly) her daughter—I guess I just wanted to make sure it was behind me first (it’s not). My last relationship ended badly—i.e., cheated on me with one of my closest friends—so trust is not easily earned in my temple. Yes, I fell in love quickly. But in my defense that's never happened before and I was careful to hide it from her. I didn't even begin making it clear how serious I was until two months ago when I was sure I could trust her.

It’s not that I’m weak, inexperienced, or have trouble getting laid; I have dated, I’ve had a few serious relationships, I'm a good-looking guy—this was just the first time I could see myself building a future with someone. Age is not all that important to me, and I disagree with the sentiment that a man “should date younger”. Having a child, however, is a very serious thing. Yet that’s honestly what gave me such a deep respect for her; seeing this amazing little girl that she raised all on her own and cared for so deeply seemed (at least to me) to be a confirmation of good character: it made her seem grounded and mature, with an ability to love unconditionally.

I'm rambling. What I mean to say is that I understand why most people my age would have little interest in dating someone like her, but I’m not the kind of person who takes long-term commitment lightly or suspends the notion of marriage and obligation in favor of a more-desirous Present; I really just thought she was special.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She is special; what you said about her devotion to her daughter proves it. She just is not the gal for you. Let her go.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

If it was meant to be....
Nah....
You deserve somebody that respects and values marriage, whether its hers or her friends.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

mindgames08 said:


> It’s not that I’m weak, inexperienced, or have trouble getting laid; I have dated, I’ve had a few serious relationships, I'm a good-looking guy—this was just the first time I’d been completely in love with someone.


Let the reactions of experienced posters to your first post teach you. 

You are 'doormat' material by nature. Seeing what you want to see, not what is.

The getting dropped of while she continues to go out says it all really. Especially that you let her control you in doing that.

I cannot imagine that happen to me without really serious consequences for the relation. My wife knows that. So it does not happen. You need to learn about these things by reading threads here on TAM.

Good luck with avoiding boarding on the Titanic!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow people here are just kicking the sh!t out of you aren't they?

Look bro, you picked a bad apple off the tree. It looked fat and juicy but it had a big fat worm inside it too. Spit it out and move on.

You may want to get with a counselor to figure out why your b!tch radar is malfunctioning. You need to figure out why you would fall for such a sleazebag. Most likely you have codependency issues. Get some help. You'll be fine. 

You seem like a good guy. Don't let these jaundiced, bitter TAM Hams make you feel bad about being a decent guy. You got hornswaggled. Happens to the best of them.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy, because you're going to need it, when she tires of what she's doing and offers you an olive branch..

I have a feeling even after all she's done you'd still take her back.

Don't.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just wanted to agree with the above 2 posts. NMMNG and codependency seem to be valid suggestions for you. The book "Codependent No More" might be worth reading. Definitely read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You sound as if you're putting women on a pedestal and letting your love take over your life. Romantic love is great, but it shouldn't take over your life.

I think this woman was a 99% match for you. That is why this is so hard to accept. 99% of what you saw was great. You got along great, you had good sex, she is a terrific mom to her daughter. All good stuff which is not negated by her affair thing. But that affair is a dis-qualifier, and she knew it was all along. That is why she didn't tell you sooner. She was close to being the perfect match, but she isn't. You don't have to hate everything about her now that you know the truth. I'm glad you found out now rather than after the wedding.


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

It happened before you knew her. Why should something that happened in the past have a place in the here and now?


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

Everyone has a past. Even you do. Its not right to hold someone's past mistakes over their head. Unless they are repeating the same mistake over and over again. I agree with the others. Its time to man up or just walk it out. I think it's your insecurities that's the problem here. Maybe you need to let her walk and take some time to work on you. Everyone has a past brother.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Zach's daddy said:


> Everyone has a past. Even you do. Its not right to hold someone's past mistakes over their head. Unless they are repeating the same mistake over and over again. I agree with the others. Its time to man up or just walk it out. I think it's your insecurities that's the problem here. Maybe you need to let her walk and take some time to work on you. Everyone has a past brother.


might try to read the whole thread before you post advice.

in regards to hold someone's past against them.

once you had a bad reputation its not easy to over come. that's just the way it is!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I am confused though. If things were so great before this with her, why did she just easily end things with you the morning after that one night? Sounds like there is something more here, maybe she wasn't quite as invested in you as you thought, and this was an easy way out for her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The absolute deal breaker here is her nasty, defensive, entitled attitude. Like "how dare you get angry with me?" 

If she would show a bit more remorse and humility, she might be forgivable.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> The absolute deal breaker here is her nasty, defensive, entitled attitude. Like "how dare you get angry with me?"
> 
> If she would show a bit more remorse and humility, she might be forgivable.


Exactly. The woman tells you she betrayed her friend on the deepest level then on top of that she shows a complete lack of contrition for her reprehensible behavior. That is not only a lack of good character in her past; it shows that she has not resolved it in her own life and is therefore a serious risk for similar behavior in the future. That combined with the whole drinking and dumping you scene speaks volumes of who she is now.
As far as her unconditional love for her daughter, I don't see that as a virtue. It should be a basic instinct to love and protect our children. Anything less would be a problem.
You did well to lay down a firm boundary and stick to it. I'm sorry that you are heartbroken. Take comfort in knowing that it would have been much worse if you married her and she betrayed you later. Take the time to learn and grow from this experience and you will be okay. I highly recommend that you read Codependent No More, as has been suggested.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

mindgames08, 

I have 4 adult children all in your age range (20-27).

This is the advice I gave to my kids. Establish yourself BEFORE you commit to marriage. Unless you want a "starter wife" or want to be one.

"How can two walk together unless they be agreed" Find out who you are and where you are going. Then make an experienced choice. At that point you can attract the highest value partner and the best prospect for a stable future, and family.

You were low hanging fruit for your xGirlfriend and from what you shared you are to inexperienced to move to marriage at this time.

She was afraid to tell you, lets look at how that went..

Sleep with friends husband, conceal it from friend, (likely allowing husband to continuing cheating), get drunk, spill the beans, react to your shocked surprised with rejection and pursue more drinking and carousing with her (probably toxic) sister wing woman. She basically dumped you before you could dump her. She gave you one chance to accept her toxic baggage no questions asked, because she knows its gets pretty ugly under scrutiny (Grand entitlement that!). There is nothing there that speaks of responsible person-hood.

She is getting past her prime without establishing her character and value as a long term partner. One day she would have gutted you and blamed you for it.

I married a high value, high quality woman at 28, best thing I ever did. Your XGf's life is already a train wreck of poor choices and self destructive coping techniques. 
YOU DODGED A BULLET HERE!

Listen being a good mom does not mean being a good life partner, there are so many examples (even here on TAM) that you show your inexperience by even offering that as a stipulation. The way you expressed it is just so much romanticized hogwash.

Date but don't fall in love so young, wait, grow, establish yourself, you will be glad you did in the long run. If you meet a quality person in the meantime who is onboard fine, then at the right time pop! Generally I think people seem ready the earliest around 25 or beyond, ( I know I may get slammed for the generalization, I Don't Care) you seem a little idealistic so maybe this will be a wake up call for you.


Lastly I think its a mistake for someone in your position, young with a (hopefully) growing career to even date a women with children. They have often already lowered their standards and once you marry them you will be surprised how quickly you lose your wife to their mom! Your XGF has a lot of baggage, do you really want some other dude your wife had sex with popping over all the time to visit his child, and all the stress of them fighting and having disagreements on discipline, visitation, money, etc, that's just nuts!

I wish you well but I hope this is a lesson learned.
Take care!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mindgames08 said:


> We met at work. I fell in love with her pretty much immediately, though I’ve never told her that; I take things slow because I have a history of depression and was worried that if it reappeared it might hurt the relationship and (more importantly) her daughter—I guess I just wanted to make sure it was behind me first (it’s not). My last relationship ended badly—i.e., cheated on me with one of my closest friends—so trust is not easily earned in my temple.


I'm going to challenge you to give this more thought. Because by "falling in love with her pretty much immediately," you did not take anything slow - you gave your heart away pretty much before you knew anything about her. 

If your last relationship ended badly, did you give yourself enough time to heal? Or is that actually why you fell in love pretty much immediately when this woman showed up - you jumped at the chance to be with someone else in order to get over your last relationship and feel better about yourself? Was this woman really a rebound for you rather than taking the time to heal?

Also, you say "trust is not so easily earned in my temple," but again, it seems you fell in love right away and trusted her without knowing her. Did she really do anything to earn your trust, or did you just give it to her because you fell for her?

As for being a good parent, that should be a minimal expectation of any person who has a child. It is not a sign of character, but an obligation you take on when you have a child. This site is full of people who are wonderful parents but horrible partners.

23 year olds have a lot of maturing to do before they select a partner for life. The twenties are a decade of GREAT CHANGE in a person. The person you are today is not going to be much like the person you are at 30. Picking someone you are hot for today doesn't mean they'll be a good partner for you at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and beyond.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zach's daddy said:


> It happened before you knew her. Why should something that happened in the past have a place in the here and now?


She sort of brought it into the here and now. And besides, past behavior is a pretty good predictor of future behavior.

And hey... if it's not such a big deal, why hasn't she confessed her betrayal to her friend?



Zach's daddy said:


> Everyone has a past. Even you do. Its not right to hold someone's past mistakes over their head. Unless they are repeating the same mistake over and over again. I agree with the others. Its time to man up or just walk it out. I think it's your insecurities that's the problem here. Maybe you need to let her walk and take some time to work on you. Everyone has a past brother.


Yeah, but many don't have a "past" that is tainted w/ such foul behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Zach's daddy said:


> Everyone has a past. Even you do. Its not right to hold someone's past mistakes over their head. Unless they are repeating the same mistake over and over again. I agree with the others. Its time to man up or just walk it out. I think it's your insecurities that's the problem here. Maybe you need to let her walk and take some time to work on you. Everyone has a past brother.


You don't seem to comprehend that, while everyone has a past, not everyone has grown through it. If people have done crappie things in their past and never made it right or changed then they are still a crappie person.

You get that right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You dodged a bullet my friend. You sound like a really good guy. She didn't deserve you. There's plenty of good women out there. Most aren't broken inside. Read the books mentioned above. Spend time with friends and family. Don't let depression get the best of you in this situation. 

I will say you need to have a plan for when she reaches out to you. She's going to realize she had a really good guy, that as a single mother, isn't necessarily easy to come by.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Seriously? Go out with some friends and celebrate. You dodged a bullet.

And yes read No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> The absolute deal breaker here is her nasty, defensive, entitled attitude. Like "how dare you get angry with me?"
> 
> If she would show a bit more remorse and humility, she might be forgivable.


:iagree:

people do make mistakes and can learn from them, go on to be a better person.

i am all for forgiveness and leaving the past in the past...but based on the offender showing genuine sorrow and empathy for the damage they have done. her crass attitude you have spelled out here basically says she didn't learn a dam thing.

drop her like a bad habit.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Yesterday (the morning after) I told her I needed some time to process everything. I wanted to cool off before saying or doing something I'd regret. She called and when I didn't answer, she started texted things like "save me the speech", "i'll just cancel our future plans, then" and "let me know if you still want to be friends, probably not though". No apologies or remorse.


She's crazy.......you are a lucky man she didn't show.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Yesterday (the morning after) I told her I needed some time to process everything. I wanted to cool off before saying or doing something I'd regret. She called and when I didn't answer, she started texted things like "save me the speech", "i'll just cancel our future plans, then" and "let me know if you still want to be friends, probably not though". No apologies or remorse.


LOL!

I would have texted back: 

"Wow. Okay. You know now that I think of it, I need to go in and have my B!tchometer re-calibrated."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> LOL!
> 
> I would have texted back:
> 
> "Wow. Okay. You know now that I think of it, I need to go in and have my B!tchometer re-calibrated."


Better yet...

"Eh... we could be friends, but only because I'm not a married woman w/ a husband that you might f*ck."

:smthumbup:


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## ply (Jan 26, 2012)

Did you ask her if she was interested in a threesome with this guy?


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