# Life falling apart



## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

2 weeks ago I found out my had an affair, I knew something was up and ignored the signs, I finally did and she said everything was ok, she said the in love but not in love to me, said hasn't been happy, our issues have always been communication. She has been through alot, molested as a kid, bad back, pain meds for back weened off, now she at her best 15 ye ar s later and now she wants to find herself. We had 2 marriage counseling sessions , second one she it won't work since she has no passion or need f or me or ever did. We have 3 kids, dream home. She refuses to stop communication with him. I threatened to notify his wife, and when I do that she gets mad and says that's not me and why destroy their life. I say cause mine is.she is cold now. When I look at her I don't recognize her. So cold. With her past life experiences and parents she has learned to keep everything inside and show no emotion. I have maybe seen her cry3-5 times in the 15 years we have been married. 
My life is in termoil, we are faking it for the holidays. But once xmas is over I know it's gonna get worse. I saw a lawyer and since I make double her I basically loss half. How can I afford a place to live to spend time with my kids. I have lost the 20 lbs. I went over the monthly financial with her to show her why I have been semi depressed and checked out according to her. She said I should of told her but I said why have 2 worry and I wanted the best for and the kids. She said she isn't a princess. I said your were my queen. 
I have done everything wrong, beg, cry, plead, get angry, I gave her th e bed when I should of sent her to the cold basement but I am there . I have tried to distance my self. Cause she says we aren't a couple and it's uncomfortable, unfortunately when we are all together as a family is the only time I feel ok. Yesterday was an ok day but then I at night I get mad cause she didn't help wrap and she said I didn't ask and didn't know what I was doing upstairs. Well u could of asked I said but also said but I know now I disgust you. She said isn't the case. 
She got her own phone so she keep in touch with him, cause if course Iaccidentally pinged her phone when I didn't believe she was home. I took that app off, that made her super mad. I am lost, emotional wreck for our families and kids when th ey all find out. Every one thought we had the perfect marriage. I need advice and non bias support. Later next week ki d are away with their aunt and little guy in day care and she is planning on going to her parents beach house for 2 day's, since just little guy is here and we aren't a couple so we shouldn't hang out. But her leaving homie feel is wrong. But If I say that it won't come out correctly. How can I get her back. Advice, hope!?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Why would you want her back?

Contact the other mans wife. She deserves to know.


Then pull you big boy pants up and start getting ready for divorce. 

Shes gone and will just milk you for everything she can


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> I have done everything wrong........


Well you're right about that. Really you need to let go of worrying about the finances, and stop being a doormat while you're at it. You're in a bad situation and you need to get out of it ASAP. Get a divorce and get what you can. Try to get custody of your kids or at least partial custody even if you have to make some changes to your work. Try to give your wife as little as possible. DON'T BE A NICE GUY! That doesn't mean you get angry or violent. That means you act cold and distant. You're a machine. Your only job is to legally dump her in the most efficient way possible. I know this from experience. The more weak you are, the more nasty she will be. Weakness is like blood in the water. You may need to move into a cheaper place, sell your house, whatever. In the long run you will be better off even though in the short term it will seem like your life has been turned upside down. Finally tell the other guy's wife. No ifs, ands or buts! She's your comrade in all this and she deserves to know, and there's a good chance it will make your job easier. You shouldn't be listening to your wife. At this point she is NOT your friend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You think you are 'Sly'..Bud.
You are not.
You are fragile..... bud.

Go outside, no shirt, no shoes.
Be, freeze your, no, freeze her azz off..bud. Freeze her out.

Be frozen bud.
Frozen HARD, BUD.

She has lost respect for you.
Find it for her.

Keep it for yourself
You will need it for your 'just fine' future.

Divorce, coldly.
That will bother her more than anything.
You iced her out.

THIS is important.
Do not talk to her.
Act like she does not exist.

She actually does not. She left.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Sly,
I just found your thread so please ignore my PM about thread jacking.
Please listen to the folks who will be offering advice. They know what they are talking about because they have been in your shoes before.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Another thing you might do with OM's wife is ask her if her husband has a "business trip" for the days your wife will be at the beach. If so, then get the kids a sitter and pick up OM's wife and both go down there and confront them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Slybud, 

@http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html 


Telling his wife is not going to ruin their family, your wife and her paramour already did that. 

Get off your rear end today, call his wife and take back some control over of your life and your family's life from these two deceitful and selfish fools.

Affairs survive in secrecy.

Do not be complicit in their deceit, the secrecy is only used to defeat what is right for you and your family.

It's time to set some boundaries in your house. 


Make sure you take care of your health too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: infidelity - Separation or work on the marriage?*

One place to start is to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley". It gives you a plan to work with. It's a quick read.

You need expose the affair. Tell the other man's (OM's) wife. once you do, the OM is most likely to drop her like yesterday's news. Sure your wife will be angry. You also need to expose the affair to her family. The book talks about why this is important.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Lucky he lives in Florida


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slybud said:


> Lucky he lives in Florida


Do you mean the other man lives in Florida?

Where do you live?


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I still love her and 3 weeks life was normal and now it's ****, how this happened so fast and struggling with why I don't get a second chance


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I hope she isn't like that, she has never been, also never thought she ch eat


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

NJ ,it all happened their class reunion night, he flew up for one night, and the classic signs were there, locked phine, weird private facebook messages, less time together, I tried to talk the night before cause in my soul I knew and she said everything was fine, we even had sex the night before, I am still messed up over that


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Lucky he lives in Florida


Have you ever heard of plane tickets? They are used to fly to married women's beach houses for unrestricted sex.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We all understand that this seems like a terrible nightmare and that a part of you feels like you will wake up and it's all a bad dream or that your WW will simply come to her senses and dump the OM and come back to you in a white flowing dress and flowers in her hair and swear her undying love and devotion to you until the end of time. 

But the reality is she has completely detached from you and the marriage and has chosen to remain with the OM. The fact that she has chosen to not end contact with the OM means that the marriage as you knew it is over and there is no magic phrase or heart-to-heart conversation or negotiation or magic pixie dust that will restore your marriage of yesteryear. 

There is no hope for things to be as they used to be. Yesterday is gone. I am sorry. 

It may not seem like it now but this actually relieves you of a chunk amount of stress and anxiety because the decision has been made for you and there isn't really anything you can do to change it. 

*SHE* is the one that has broken the marriage. That is on her by her own hand. 

Your task now is to preserve as much of your assets, property and relationship with the children as possible. 

That is the job of your lawyer. Get a lawyer as soon as the offices open up Tuesday and start working towards getting your legal and financial affairs in order to protect as much of your assets as you can.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> NJ ,it all happened their class reunion night, he flew up for one night, and the classic signs were there, locked phine, weird private facebook messages, less time together, I tried to talk the night before cause in my soul I knew and she said everything was fine, we even had sex the night before, I am still messed up over that



You have choices here. You don't have to sit back and do nothing. 

You can share her with the OM or not. 


So what are you going to do about it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And DO notify the OM's wife. 

Do not threaten to do it and do not tell your wife you are going to do it. Just simply do it without warning or notice. 

Be prepared to have to give her some kind of proof as she may not believe you and he may have already come up with a variety of cover stories. 

It is a safe bet that they are planning on seeing each other while your STBX is at the beachhouse. 

Give her the days and time your STBX will be there and give her the location and address of the beach house. 

Disclosing the A to his BW is actually a very important component of this whole thing. You have a moral and ethical responsibility to not be a coconspirator in keeping their affair from her. 

And it also brings a real-world cost to their affair. Right now they are getting their cake and eating it too. They are having their fun and getting their jollys and it is not costing them anything because you are laying down and letting them do it without any ramifications or costs or hardships. It's all just fun and games to them at your expense. 

When you expose the A to the other BW, it will make it all real. 

95% of the time, when a MM is busted screwing around, he dumps the OW and tries to save his own marriage. 

If you file for divorce and he dumps her, that will take all the fun and romance out of it and will bring her crashing back down to reality. 

She may even come crawling back begging for foregiveness but we will all strenuously urge you not to immediately allow her back in. 

You may feel like you have "won" but all you have really won is a cheating spouse that was in the middle of disposing of you and breaking up her home and family so she could suck on some other guy's junk. 

Even if she comes back, she will always be tainted and you will never feel the same esteem for her and she will never feel the same esteem for you. 

What disclosing the affair to his BW will do is break this little fantasy world that they have built up in their minds that they will live happily ever after in bliss while you foot the bill and you and his wife carry on as usual while they run off to their little love nest. 

It's time for everyone to come back down to earth and start dealing with realities.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

You know his name, address, telephone, place of work?

Expose his behavior to the entire State of Florida.

If you want her back, it's the only door to that ending.

Of course, you're afraid she'll "get mad"

You've been afraid of her reactions for years.

That must stop - today.

It's not easy to take your life back, but each of those steps are very simple.

It starts with blowing this thing out of the water.

No more waiting to "see what she does". She's already done it.

Talk less - do more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> You know his name, address, telephone, place of work?
> 
> Expose his behavior to the entire State of Florida.
> 
> ...



This pretty much says it all. 

The horse is out of the barn and is gone. 

"Talk" is not going to do anything. 

It's time for actions -

- get a lawyer and start taking legal protections and actions (ie freeze accounts so she can't run up credit cards in your name or empty out bank accounts and funds and run off to Costa Rica with OM on your dime. Establish temporary custody and childcare arrangements etc) 

- disclose A to OM's W. 

- start moving towards your life after the divorce. 


One way to look at it is think about what you would be doing if she got killed in a car wreck on her way home for work. 

There would be shock/horror, numbness, grieving and wishing things were the way they used to be. 

And then you'd have to seek legal assistance and go through all the legal paperwork of getting things changed to your name and dealing with what to do with her stuff. And then you would have to build a life and manage childrearing getting them to school and doctor's appointments and soccer games etc without her. 

and eventually you'd be making a life for yourself with hobbies and activities and living life without her..........eventually even dating and meeting other women and some day entering other relationships etc and moving on. 

It's really no different here. She may still be alive and breathing but the marriage is dead. she murdered it. 

At least she should still be able to help getting kids to their appointments and activities and such. Otherwise everything else is fairly similar. 

It's tragic and sad. But life does still go on and people do go on to experience happiness and health and joy in their lives even though things are forever different.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> This pretty much says it all.
> 
> The horse is out of the barn and is gone.
> 
> ...


But, they usually have to fix their doormat behavior "before" getting into another serious relationship.

But, that comes later.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

@Slybud

Sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible way to go through the holidays. 

But realize your life isn't falling apart, it only seems that way. As countless others who have seen the demise of their marriage, and come out the other side have done, you will do the same, you'll pull yourself to your feet, dust yourself off, and move forward to the next chapter of your life, which will never be the same regardless of how you choose to handle this situation. 

The biggest decision you need to make at this time is whether you will attempt to reconcile or you will kick her to the curb and file for divorce, because just about every action you will make going forward needs to be based on which goal you seek, and the actions will be very different, even opposite from one another at times. 

I'd like to think you'd tell her to F^&K off, and file for divorce and get her out of your life as much as possible (other than dealing with finances and children issues), get yourself single, and one day find someone worthy of your love and respect. But lots of people try to fix what's broken and they cannot or will not leave a cheater. 

That's up to you- assuming of course your cheating wife is interested in reconciling, she may not be.

Once you have an idea of which way you're headed, you can receive good advice on how to proceed. 

Hang in there, it gets better. It can only get better.

For the moment, there are a few things you CAN do, that work for both goals. 

Get tough, get mean, get nasty if you have to. Get back in your bed and throw all her crap in the basement, the backyard, and/or the shed. Don't roll over and take whatever she decides to give you. It's time to pick up the reigns and steer the horse in whatever direction YOU want it to go.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I did talk to a lawyer, but there is so much too lose financially, with what I have to pay out, I will never afford a place to keep my kids with me or able to keep them in this house , whi ch they love m, t he ir school, their friends.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

These are all great advice, the OMW in my heart don't want to destroy but I know she will destroy him, but the way my wife acted both times I threatened she turned so sour and cold, even more usual lately. So torn.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> These are all great advice, the OMW in my heart don't want to destroy but I know she will destroy him, but the way my wife acted both times I threatened she turned so sour and cold, even more usual lately. So torn.


Let's work with metaphors.

You're on a battlefield, gunflire is blazing, mortar shells are dropping everywhere, dead and wounded soldiers (representing various aspects of your life including your bank accounts and connection with your wife) are laying everywhere. You're dazed, baffled, and waiting for the next bomb to go off and wondering if it's going to take a few of your limbs along with it.

This is not the time to be running out on the battlefield waving a white flag or trying to negotiate for a ceasefire. 

Pull back to your trenches soldier! Take stock of your resources and do what you need to fortify your position. 

Don't waste important time and energy trying to save the world (the other man and his wife and their marriage is not your concern at this time). Your ass is top priority. The only exception to this is if you are desperate to save your marriage in which case there are many on this forum who will say "blow up the affair by notifying his wife, his friends, his workplace, and any person who is connected to him in any way". I personally think it's a waste of time and effort and staying with a cheater is no different than placing a bandaid on a festering wound that will never truly heal but hey that's just one opinion of many.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> Let's work with metaphors.
> 
> You're on a battlefield, gunflire is blazing, mortar shells are dropping everywhere, dead and wounded soldiers (representing various aspects of your life including your bank accounts and connection with your wife) are laying everywhere. You're dazed, baffled, and waiting for the next bomb to go off and wondering if it's going to take a few of your limbs along with it.
> 
> ...


Blowing it up levels the playing field. It also re-claims a large measure of self-respect.

Affairs thrive on secrecy.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Finally a voice of reason on why not to do it


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I do get that but we are good co parents and believe this will kill th at, I have 3 kids all under 7, my life is a mess, I am working on myself but not sure how, wastes 15 yeas and everyone says oh give it 2 more to move on to new relationship, I am 40 I don't hhave 2 more ye ar s to waste


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You asked how you might have a chance to get out of infidelity and keep your family.

Are you shopping for validation to do nothing? 

Not exposing is okay if you are ready to move straight to divorce, dump her and not look back. That is one way to absolutely get yourself out of infidelity. 

Not exposing and hoping she'll just come back after a time, is no way to live and doesn't work. You'll just be sharing your wife with him and paying for everything. 

Either way, you must get out of infidelity for anything to happen.

You've been given plenty of methods. It's up to you to make that happen. 

If you're looking for a pat on the head and a reason to be a "Nice Guy" doormat (it's obvious that's what got you here) and stay in limbo, you might try divorce busting. They are more than willing to hold your hand there. 

My advice to your request is to expose and file for divorce. Then the ball in your court, not theirs. 


Good luck.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Finally a voice of reason on why not to do it


I see it ALL over this forum. 

A new person who has recently discovered their partner's affair posts their story and the immediate response of the masses is to EXPOSE! At any cost!

There's no thought given to the ramifications of such an act, especially when it comes to workplace affairs that could cost the cheater their job and cost the betrayed partner tons of money in terms of having to support the now unemployed former partner. I know this doesn't apply in your case I'm simply pointing out the reckless advice thrown out by those who have been cheated on and are living vicariously through the stories of others, and try to get them to beat up the cheater so they'll be able to exorcise their own remaining demons left from their own personal experiences.

Anyway, yes the point being that going around "blowing up the affair" to try to end it and bring the cheater home or even worse the failed logic that it somehow "retains your self respect by exposing" is just ridiculous nonsense.

You want to maintain your self respect? Throw her crap in the backyard, stop speaking to her about anything nonessential, and proceed to divorce her and get her out of your life as quickly and painlessly as possible. 

The guys that are cheated on and simply move on with their lives tend not to post here or on other forums like this, because, they don't have to. They're self assured, they're confident, they know the problem is with their partner and they don't need other people pushing them to do desperate, pointless time wasting, non productive things such as exposing the cheater. They simple erase the person from their life rather than expending valuable time and energy on them, they don't worry what "other people may think" because they are confident in themselves they don't need the artificial boost to their ego that is generated by the pat on the back they get after following the instructions of others who mean well but have no clue. 

Which is of course exactly what I'm suggesting you do.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

anchorwatch said:


> You asked how you might have a chance to get out of infidelity and keep your family.
> 
> Are you shopping for validation to do nothing?
> 
> ...


QUOTED FOR TRUTH.... as a guy who blew it up publicly on FB and never regretted it.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

As I look at one of my daughter's I gringe, this is not me or my life


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

You can't believe this is happening. It's like a bad dream or a practical joke that will soon be over and things will be as they've always been. 

Welcome to the wonderful human defense mechanism known as "Denial".

It shields us from shock and trauma which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Unless it paralyzes us and results in bad decisions and poor choices.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It’s rather obvious that she’s left you in the lurch to carry on her PA with the OM!

She doesn’t want you! Why in the hell should you want her?

“180 her!” Man up, and get the ball rolling by notifying “lover boys” wife, then getting your attorney to start the filing process immediately!

She’s a lost cause! Why put up with the cheating and deception? Your kids welfare should be your primary interest now!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Slybud said:


> I do get that but we are good co parents and believe this will kill th at, I have 3 kids all under 7, my life is a mess, I am working on myself but not sure how, wastes 15 yeas and everyone says oh give it 2 more to move on to new relationship, I am 40 I don't hhave 2 more ye ar s to waste


Your telling yourself all the excuses that almost everyone does in the beginning, finances, good coparents etc etc but they are just excuses to not act right now. Your wife is having and affair and hurting you in ways you never thought you could get hurt and your worried about making her mad? 

As long as the om is in the picture your marriage has zero chance, the longer the affair goes on the less likely she will ever come back to the marriage and the more she convinces herself the new guy is Mr perfect. Search all over this forum and others and the "pick me" dance never really works and that's what your setting yourself up for. Your trying to buy time right now and that's the worst thing you can do. You should file for divorce, expose the affair. This might snap her back into reality and out of the perfect world of affairs and once she starts to realize the consequences of her actions and you then might have a chance to reconcile if you wish to but your not in an emotional position to even make that decision right now. 

Allow this to continue and divorce is certain. File for divorce and you start to take back some control of your life, right now your allowing her total control and that's the worst position to be in and you've got forums full of posters who have learned that already the hard way. Your not the one destroying the family, she is with her affair and actions.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

In her head and speaking divorce is destined anyway. This family has hurt enough, why bring more pain to myself cause I know she will react against me w my children. Also why do in have to file do divorce. Isn't that expensive and shouldn't she have to pay for that. Also our current bills, we are pulling our $ to pay bills, should and can I ask for more from her, my salary pays th tv emortgage and daycare. And her pathetic check pays everything else. Can I say hey u wanted this I am paying th is and d you can pay t he other 3rd


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I guess I posted rather reflexively after getting the general jist of your post. 

After reading the posts of others and then going back and reading your first post and subsequent replies I realize that you are desperate to save your marriage at any cost. 

In that case you do need to expose and drive the other man away and attempt to break the affair fog.

Of COURSE it's going to piss her off, you HAVE to piss her off, you HAVE to give her a hard dose of the reality of the situation and that there are ramifications of her bad choices. Everything you do going forward needs to show her that you will not put up with her BS for another minute. So that includes throwing her crap in the basement and at least moving in the direction of divorce and dealing with her in such a way that she realizes she probably screwed up so bad that you are strongly considering divorce. 

If you continue to walk on eggshells around her, she will continue to have no respect for you- why should she- and you will FAIL. Even if the sham of the marriage stays intact.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Let's say I contact ow, they also have a kid, wha rt does do for anything or anyone. I anything ****ed all around and too emotional, I want someone to want me for me, not cause I eliminate other options


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Let's say I contact ow, they also have a kid, wha rt does do for anything or anyone. I anything ****ed all around and too emotional, I want someone to want me for me, not cause I eliminate other options


She probably wants you to some degree, I guess you'll find out once you implement your tough "Take no prisoners" strategy. Or, you efforts will be for naught and she'll leave you anyway but since it sounds like you want her back, you have no choice but to implement the only strategy that might work. 

As far as her other options being eliminated, that's a problem because you don't own the only penis on the planet. All you can do is damage control at this point and work on the bigger issues later.

As far as contacting the OW and what does it accomplish. Again, I am not in favor of exposing or reconciling with a cheater but since you are desperate to try to win her back you need to break up the affair and the only chance you have is to crush it via exposing it. Starting with OMs wife who will hopefully be your ally and do her part in ending the madness.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> She probably wants you to some degree, I guess you'll find out once you implement your tough "Take no prisoners" strategy. Or, you efforts will be for naught and she'll leave you anyway but since it sounds like you want her back, you have no choice but to implement the only strategy that might work.
> 
> As far as her other options being eliminated, that's a problem because you don't own the only penis on the planet. All you can do is damage control at this point and work on the bigger issues later.
> 
> As far as contacting the OW and what does it accomplish. Again, I am not in favor of exposing or reconciling with a cheater but since you are desperate to try to win her back you need to break up the affair and the only chance you have is to crush it via exposing it. Starting with OMs wife who will hopefully be your ally and do her part in ending the madness.


FWIW, I'm certain she's told him you're a doormat and that you "don't have a pulse" or something similar.

Prove her wrong.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I know without him I have no ch ance, but she has made it pretty clear this won't work due to her not having any passion for me or needing, I don't believe that x I mean 3 kids and 15 years later, we had 0 communication, her parents have 0 live or communication skills, they love with $ support. So is keeping all this inside, I have seen her cry maybe 5 x in our lives. Even through this she hasn't cried, close, but she keeps saying she can't give me the reaction I need or want, begging crying, I know this and why I never pushed her. We still make diner fir each ot he r, we sometimes do coffee, I know it's over, and yes I must break them up if I have a chance but not on xmas, maybe next week before she goes away or day she goes. It's all a mess and so am i. I gave her our financial situation and she saw what stress I was under trying to cope and all she said was house was a mistake, I told her it was out forever home and once little guy was out of daycare all would work out.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> I told her it was out forever home and once little guy was out of daycare all would work out.


You need to realize that statements such as the one you made above "It is our forever home and once the little guy is out of daycare it will all work out" are EXTREMELY COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to your goals, whatever they may be. 

Take no prisoners. Whether you want to try to save the marriage or not, you need to be tough and you need to be strong and you must not make her any promises or reassure her that everything will be ok. She needs to know that it is your decision and it might not be in her favor, you need to think everything through before you decide if and when you will take her back.

Along with "It's Christmas, not a good time to tell the other woman maybe I'll do it next week". There's NEVER a good time, if anything doing it RIGHT NOW might have more of the effect you need to drive the point home that this will not be tolerated whereas waiting a week or two is weak, lame and will not get you closer to your goal which is to try to "win her back". 

Every minute that goes by that you take no action, every time you pacify her or show her that you are afraid of her and what she might say or do, everytime you listen to HER tell YOU that she has no feelings for you and the marriage is over, you give her more and more power, and you are slipping further into a hole that will be much more difficult to crawl out of.

Stop making dinner for the woman that sucked another guys D**k.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

But seriously xmas and mess up everything for 2 families, I don't think I am that cold.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> But seriously xmas and mess up everything for 2 families, I don't think I am that cold.


Dude.. you simply don't get it. 

There are much more important issues here than messing up a couple of Christmas dinners. 

This is your freaking LIFE.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Slybud said:


> I know without him I have no ch ance, but she has made it pretty clear this won't work due to her not having any passion for me or needing, I don't believe that x I mean 3 kids and 15 years later, we had 0 communication, her parents have 0 live or communication skills, they love with $ support. So is keeping all this inside, I have seen her cry maybe 5 x in our lives. Even through this she hasn't cried, close, but she keeps saying she can't give me the reaction I need or want, begging crying, I know this and why I never pushed her. We still make diner fir each ot he r, we sometimes do coffee, I know it's over, and yes I must break them up if I have a chance but not on xmas, maybe next week before she goes away or day she goes. It's all a mess and so am i. I gave her our financial situation and she saw what stress I was under trying to cope and all she said was house was a mistake, I told her it was out forever home and once little guy was out of daycare all would work out.


First the hardest part for you is going to be quit talking to her! She is in the dreamworld that affairs bring on, she must paint you as the bad guy in her head to justify what's she is doing. The house for example, now she says a mistake, when you purchased it wasnt. It's all just excuses and blameshifting and it's all designed to make you feel back and divert off the MAIN problem. Your wife is having an affair. 

Break off talking except about child issues for now. The more you talk to her the more she knows you aren't going anywhere and she can do whatever she wants. She isn't listening or even thinking about what your saying.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> I know without him I have no ch ance, but she has made it pretty clear this won't work due to her not having any passion for me or needing, I don't believe that x I mean 3 kids and 15 years later, we had 0 communication, her parents have 0 live or communication skills, they love with $ support. So is keeping all this inside, I have seen her cry maybe 5 x in our lives. Even through this she hasn't cried, close, but she keeps saying she can't give me the reaction I need or want, begging crying, I know this and why I never pushed her. We still make diner fir each ot he r, we sometimes do coffee, I know it's over, and yes I must break them up if I have a chance but not on xmas, maybe next week before she goes away or day she goes. It's all a mess and so am i. I gave her our financial situation and she saw what stress I was under trying to cope and all she said was house was a mistake, I told her it was out forever home and once little guy was out of daycare all would work out.


This isn't the type of thinking that makes "it all work out"

Have you been trying to put a smile on her face the entire time you've been married?


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Yes I have, she was my world


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Yes I get it, but I am not as a piece of crap like her, yes she was my piece of crap and mother to my kids , and I have to deal with her the rest of my life, the ve ry little I have left


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> , and I have to deal with her the rest of my life, the ve ry little I have left


What does that crap mean?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Yes I have, she was my world


This is the crux of the problem.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It seems your wife was happy enough until she met this old "friend." She never was unhappy enough to actually tell you about it, or even try. So this tells me that the problem is the other man. I am sure your marriage was routine and mundane. I am also sure that the affair with the other man is very exciting. I have raised children, and I have had new relationships. This is not rocket science. You aren't the first guy whose wife became infatuated and mistook it for "love."

When I was younger, before I got married at age 30, I had many romantic relationships. I have three sisters, I have a wife, I know many women, namely my sisters' and wife's girlfriends. Women don't find the way you are acting right now as attractive. Namely insecure and desperate. Women like confident men. Let's face it, even men like other men (not romantically or sexually) who are confident. You know what all you're begging and crying has told her about you? It told her that any time she wants to end this affair, you will be sitting and waiting to take her back, no questions asked. So why in the world would she end the affair? That is excitement that she hasn't felt since she was a teenager in high school. They almost all say this, made them "feel alive" like they haven't since teens. Same with I love you but not in love with you. So she will do what she wants, she "deserves it" (another old chestnut for cheaters).

Now compare to other man, her romantic interest. He is taking what he wants, I bet he never cries or begs not to leave him. Perception is reality for your wife.

Call the other man's wife and tell her that he is having an affair with your wife. Having three kids, and a married man who lacks morals, I personally would hire a private investigator and see what dirt there is on this lowlife. You know he's got dirt, he's no stand-up upright moral guy. Do you want him being a stepdad to your children? He's schtupping your wife. You are just taking it. Start with telling other man's wife. Other man will throw your wife right under the bus to save his marriage. You know why I know that? Because he is staying married and keeping the affair secret. He does not want to divorce, or he could. Same thing with your wife, by the way. For all her words otherwise, her actions say that she wants the marriage and a little excitement on the side. After that, I personally would call him up in front of your wife and tell him that HE WINS, come and take your wife, ARE YOU READY FOR HER? NOW!?!? Tell him if he loves her, will he come and take her to him NOW? Speakerphone on while your wife listens.

Your wife is either purposely trying to deceive you, or she is completely confused and messed up in the head. This is how affairs like your wife's go. One or the other. Either way, it's important that you stop paying any attention to what she SAYS. Pay attention to what she DOES. Talk is cheap, words are easy to lie, ACTIONS will tell the truth.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Her actions are I have feelings for him and never had opportunity to have a chance to see how it would work, we'll is now a good time I ask myself. I have every mistake since I learned of them. I did what I thought was right to show her it is a fantasy and not the real world, like when the heat breaks or ac shuts down in summer or live through hurricane sandy, my life I feel Has been for nothing, sadly I look at my kids and think should they be here, meaning if she was so unhappy why were together to have them, they should belong to someone else. I thought these emotional episode would star to paas by now


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Laying in the victims chair won't get you much.

You can shout "woe is me" loudly from the rooftop and nobody will give a damn.

You'll either stand up for yourself or you won't.

The Calvary isn't coming there is no magic to fix this.

You don't expose and take control you'll take what you're given.

You have to fix this. No one else will.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Slybud said:


> But seriously xmas and mess up everything for 2 families, I don't think I am that cold.


SHE and the OM screwed up Christmas NOT YOU!!! If someone knew about your wife cheating don't you think YOU'd have wanted to be told? The other wife deserves to know what a **** she's married to. YOU are not messing up THEIR lives -- the OM has already done that!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Double post


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Bunkers said: "You want to maintain your self respect? Throw her crap in the backyard, stop speaking to her about anything nonessential, and proceed to divorce her and get her out of your life as quickly and painlessly as possible. 

The guys that are cheated on and simply move on with their lives tend not to post here or on other forums like this, because, they don't have to. They're self assured, they're confident, they know the problem is with their partner and they don't need other people pushing them to do desperate, pointless time wasting, non productive things such as exposing the cheater. They simple erase the person from their life rather than expending valuable time and energy on them, they don't worry what "other people may think" because they are confident in themselves they don't need the artificial boost to their ego that is generated by the pat on the back they get after following the instructions of others who mean well but have no clue. 

Which is of course exactly what I'm suggesting you do"

This is what a real man would do. But we are not talking about a real man, but a weak, pathetic man that would sell his soul to get his ex woman back (because that's what she is now an ex. He just don't want to accept it). 

This guy, has not self respect. All he wants is his life to be the way he though it was; him adoring his goddess in the pedestal, and her looking back lovingly to him, sorrounded by their children. THIS DOES NOT LONGER EXIST. This guy is like the provervial sinking boat with all the holes and the guy on the boat is desperately trying to hoplessly plug all the holes. This guy is doom. In his desperate attemps to get her back, will find too late, that he legally was taken for all he got, and probably the children too, that now will have another daddy. All this, unless, he somehow??? Finds his ball and manhood and acts, and does what needs to be done right away to get out of infidelity and get rid of a skank of a woman.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I am shocked and my soul is rocked, I learning to feel again minutes at a time, not sure of anything or what's right or wrong


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I am shocked and my soul is rocked, I learning to feel again minutes at a time, not sure of anything or what's right or wrongI have done everything wron gnome since the moment I found out, yes I am lost, but as I looking into mirror I don't know that person, no future, no $, shame and confused.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> But seriously xmas and mess up everything for 2 families, I don't think I am that cold.


It's already messed up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nice Guys just get walked on and played.

Better wake the hell up man


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Wake up and do what!?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> I am shocked and my soul is rocked, I learning to feel again minutes at a time, not sure of anything or what's right or wrongI have done everything wron gnome since the moment I found out, yes I am lost, but as I looking into mirror I don't know that person, no future, no $, shame and confused.


That means when your pitty-party for yourself is finally over, you can hit the 'reset' button and become who and what you want to be. 

You just have to get over this whine-fest first. 

When the pain and humiliation and emasculation of being a doormat and a chump become more painful than the fear of moving forward and taking action, you will grow some balls and stand up for yourself.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Wake up and do what!?


Do any, some, or all of the things advised on this thread by helpful posters such as myself, many or most of whom have been through a divorce and/or infidelity.

If you do nothing else- stop begging and asking her questions as to the status of the relationship. 

I have not personally experienced infidelity but when my marriage crashed and burned, I too was stuck in idle because when faced with a crisis, some are able to act immediately and decisively while others just sort of stand around in stunned silence, at least at first. 

The more you do early on, the better you will do in the long run. It's sort of like the Titanic, if they had made the slightest turn of the wheel early on the ship would probably have avoided the iceberg altogether but those last minute turns aren't nearly as effective. Don't get me wrong, it all counts, every turn matters but when it comes to taking action- sooner is much better than later.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Isn't the person who files first paying the most up front just to file, after I file do I have to leave the house, I have no money to do that, al our $ is tied up in this house and winter in nj not a best time to sell a home u will make nothing on and probably owe


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Slybud said:


> Wake up and do what!?


Your letting your emotions rule you right now, you must get your brain to override your heart. Logic and emotions are in conflict when infidelity strikes, your heart wants to see your wife as you want her, your brain is trying to tell you who she is, a woman cheating stabbing you in the back. Your heart is telling to to buy time, play nice as she will snap out of it but it really is the worst move you can make. 

Right now he is Mr perfect as in affair land they are perfect Lil worlds. They have no conflict, no stress. She is viewing him as better than you, anything you do right now he is better at in her head. You can't compete as the game is rigged as you'll never convince her otherwise and the more you do the more entrenched in her position she will become. 

She knows you aren't going anywhere, she is risking nothing in her head as you will be plan b. You must ask swiftly and decisively in your actions. The longer you wallow the more she convinces herself this is all meant to be....the storybook fairytale. She must see and believe she is risking something. Also the more you make affair land real life the quicker the affair may fall apart, right now you've got no shot at it ending.

You must start pulling yourself away from her and you will have to force yourself to do it. This hurts, no one is denying that but you must start taking action. File for divorce, expose the affair and quit interacting with her, everything your emotional heart is telling you not to do.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Your letting your emotions rule you right now, you must get your brain to override your heart. Logic and emotions are in conflict when infidelity strikes, your heart wants to see your wife as you want her, your brain is trying to tell you who she is, a woman cheating stabbing you in the back. Your heart is telling to to buy time, play nice as she will snap out of it but it really is the worst move you can make.
> 
> Right now he is Mr perfect as in affair land they are perfect Lil worlds. They have no conflict, no stress. She is viewing him as better than you, anything you do right now he is better at in her head. You can't compete as the game is rigged as you'll never convince her otherwise and the more you do the more entrenched in her position she will become.
> 
> ...


Blow it out of the water. Wallpaper the entire state of Florida with it.

Your heart says no, but you know better.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Isn't the person who files first paying the most up front just to file, after I file do I have to leave the house, I have no money to do that, al our $ is tied up in this house and winter in nj not a best time to sell a home u will make nothing on and probably owe


The first person to file is responsible for a relatively small filing fee with the court, it's not much in the way of significance, not compared to everything else headed your way. 

No you don't have to leave the house immediately after filing, in fact you'd be making things worse by moving out it could be considered abandonment. There's always money to fund a divorce, you may have to be creative in finding it. Many people walk away from their homes or use the entire remaining equity to fund their legal fees. Divorce is expensive and quite often it bankrupts both parties. You can always rebuild.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The questions you've asked here re: bills, living situation, and child access are basic first lawyer visit questions. What lawyer did you speak to that DIDN'T explain to you how bills and custody are handled during separation and divorce? Either you weren't asking him or her the pertinent questions or the lawyer you spoke with blows.

For example, how does 50-50 custody change things? Your child support should be negligible or non-existent with shared custody. Was that not even mentioned?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Also, she's being "mean" to you when you threaten to expose is a manipulation. He's her candy. If you tell his wife, his wife will take away her candy. So, you cannot be allowed to tell his wife. Since she knows you'll knuckle under the second she gets pissy, she gets pissy to control you. And you let her. Maybe she likes this guy because he has the balls you lack.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Also, she's being "mean" to you when you threaten to expose is a manipulation. He's her candy. If you tell his wife, his wife will take away her candy. So, you cannot be allowed to tell his wife. Since she knows you'll knuckle under the second she gets pissy, she gets pissy to control you. And you let her. Maybe she likes this guy because he has the balls you lack.


Give yourself a Christmas gift.

Do it.

Screw up the manhood you've lost and stand up for yourself.

She's ALREADY pissy... for God's sake, she's banging him.

Take it away... without remorse and without fear.

What's the downside?

She might "bang him harder next time?" 

There won't BE a next time. And, you have it within you to stop it.

Good grief, put it on Facebook. Just do it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> Isn't the person who files first paying the most up front just to file, after I file do I have to leave the house, I have no money to do that, al our $ is tied up in this house and winter in nj not a best time to sell a home u will make nothing on and probably owe


These are questions for your lawyer. 

These things take time. Houses do not sell in a day with the money in your hand by dinner time. 

This is a two-step process -

step #1; get a lawyer.

Step #2: do what lawyer says.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

honcho said:


> Your letting your emotions rule you right now, you must get your brain to override your heart. Logic and emotions are in conflict when infidelity strikes, your heart wants to see your wife as you want her, your brain is trying to tell you who she is, a woman cheating stabbing you in the back. Your heart is telling to to buy time, play nice as she will snap out of it but it really is the worst move you can make.
> 
> Right now he is Mr perfect as in affair land they are perfect Lil worlds. They have no conflict, no stress. She is viewing him as better than you, anything you do right now he is better at in her head. You can't compete as the game is rigged as you'll never convince her otherwise and the more you do the more entrenched in her position she will become.
> 
> ...


I am quoting this above so that you will read it again. Maybe when you read it enough times, it will start to sink in and you will actually take action.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Your letting your emotions rule you right now, you must get your brain to override your heart. Logic and emotions are in conflict when infidelity strikes, your heart wants to see your wife as you want her, your brain is trying to tell you who she is, a woman cheating stabbing you in the back. Your heart is telling to to buy time, play nice as she will snap out of it but it really is the worst move you can make.
> 
> Right now he is Mr perfect as in affair land they are perfect Lil worlds. They have no conflict, no stress. She is viewing him as better than you, anything you do right now he is better at in her head. You can't compete as the game is rigged as you'll never convince her otherwise and the more you do the more entrenched in her position she will become.
> 
> ...


Quoted for Truth

Why even sign on to this forum if you refuse to listen?


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I am listening, just so hard to ignore her when we r co parenting, things must change, meaning me


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Slybud said:


> Wake up and do what!?


1. Read about and implement the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

2. Move back into your bed. Move all her things out of your room and to the basement when she is out of the house. Put a new lock with a key on the bedroom door.

Stop making it cozy for her. You are supporting her and giving her your bedroom. You are downsizing and she is maintaining the status quo. It is time for you to take back your room. She's the one who did this, not you. Why are suffering for her sake?

3. Talking to your wife about the situation and trying to get her to see reason is counterproductive. She is in an emotional state where she is not thinking or listening with a logical mind. The only thing that is going to work to get her to wake up is if her situation with the other man suddenly changes radically. The best way to do that is to tell his wife.

You said you want your wife to choose you rather than the other man and eliminating him as an option isn't what you are looking for. You want her to choose between you and to choose you. The problem with that is your wife is under a kind of spell with this man. The spell cannot be broken until he is out of the way and she can think properly again.

The quickest way to change the dynamic between them is to tell his wife. I wouldn't do it on Christmas either. Wait until tomorrow or Wednesday, but that's it. Do not wait any longer. Right in the middle of Christmas and New Year is a fantastic time to tell his wife. He has just spent all this special family time bonding with his kids and BAM the truth comes out and he's about to lose that holiday feeling forever. It is unlikely that he is actually thinking of leaving his wife for your wife. He will suddenly have a bunch to deal with and won't be so happy go lucky and great to be around anymore. This will immediately change the dynamic between your wife and the OM.

His wife deserves to know what is going on so she is able to make decisions based on what is really going on rather than her husband's version of reality. She is being manipulated and you are enabling it by not telling her.

You are enabling your wife by making her adulterous life more cozy than it should be. Do not keep her secrets. Who cares if she's angry with you for telling others about what is going on in your own life. She should be the one worried about making you angry. When you expose, do not give your wife any warning. If she doesn't want to be with you she should not expect to have any influence over what you are doing. Why on earth does she think that you would care if she gets angry? How is that your problem?

You said she could make it difficult for you with your children. How is that? I understand that this is difficult and you want things to go back to how they were, but that is not going to happen. Things have forever changed. Trying to make your wife want you isn't go to make her want you. It is going to backfire on you. If this is ever going to get better between the two of you, she will be the one trying to convince you to take her back.

4. Buy a book on divorce in your state. Do not hide it from your wife. Read it thoroughly and know your rights. Do not discuss it with your wife. If she wants to know if you are going to divorce her, do not answer any of her questions. It is not your job to calm her when she is reaping what she has sown.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Wallpaper the State of Florida with their actions.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I wouldn't do it on Christmas.

That's why i would start TOMORROW

Facebook, Federal Express, Instagram, Email, Phone calls, and Messenger are a good place to begin.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Slybud said:


> Wake up and do what!?


Love yourself and your children

Separate finances

Lawyer up

Expose

File

180

Clear and Present Detachment



In that order

55


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Another 21st century modern western culture male. Weak, scared, grovels at the feet of a cheating woman. Seriously, my man, man up now or she'll take you for everything.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I love your post. Alot to think about as always. I finally talked to my mom tonight, she was divorced young from my dad who cheated on her alot, she said don't tell the other woman, she did that and it never got her the reaction she wanted except making her the bad guy. She may have also said that cause she doesn't want ro miss her grand kids. I know this marriage won't work, but who knows where or what tomorrow brings. I have made so many mistakes since thisncame up.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Slybud said:


> I love your post. Alot to think about as always. I finally talked to my mom tonight, she was divorced young from my dad who cheated on her alot, she said don't tell the other woman, she did that and it never got her the reaction she wanted except making her the bad guy. She may have also said that cause she doesn't want ro miss her grand kids. I know this marriage won't work, but who knows where or what tomorrow brings. I have made so many mistakes since thisncame up.


Go to your wife's purse, open it, and take your nuts back. Seriously. Your mother won't have to miss seeing her grandchildren no matter who you tell because you are their father and have parental rights which include taking the kids to see their grandmother. Jesus. Who told you your interaction with your children depends on your STBX wife's good graces? It doesn't. The judge will order parenting time as part of the separation and, later, divorce settlement. If your wife tries to keep your children from you she could easily find herself in contempt of court and facing charges. So, stop making decisions because you're afraid of this woman. You're starting to sound like some neurotic in a 1980's made for tv drama.

Your wife is having an affair with a married man. The quickest way to end an affair is to expose it to the BS. Typically, the WS drops the affair partner like a bad habit and tries to repair their marriage. Not to mention, it's just the right thing to do. This poor woman likely has no idea her husband is a philandering POS and is making life's decisions that can affect her for years to come without knowing the reality of her situation.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Slybud said:


> I love your post. Alot to think about as always. I finally talked to my mom tonight, she was divorced young from my dad who cheated on her alot, she said don't tell the other woman, she did that and it never got her the reaction she wanted except making her the bad guy. She may have also said that cause she doesn't want ro miss her grand kids. I know this marriage won't work, but who knows where or what tomorrow brings. I have made so many mistakes since thisncame up.


You asked your mommy what to do? This explains a lot. Like why you're letting your wife treat you so bad and doing nothing about it.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Tru st me th at s not my wife we are talking about, I don't know who this woman is. It's like living with a cold stranger, a shell of the person I once knew. I am choozing to live like this. I am rallying my support system.to.make sure I can make the best decisions moving forward for me and my kids.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Have any of u actually contacted the OMW, and made it out the other side style w wife and kids? Ca US e all read here is anger and revenge.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Have any of u actually contacted the OMW, and made it out the other side style w wife and kids? Ca US e all read here is anger and revenge.


Of course. I blasted it out on social media.

Anyone that disagreed with me got immediately defriended and their comments deleted.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Tru st me th at s not my wife we are talking about, I don't know who this woman is. It's like living with a cold stranger, a shell of the person I once knew. I am choozing to live like this. I am rallying my support system.to.make sure I can make the best decisions moving forward for me and my kids.


When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Slybud said:


> But seriously xmas and mess up everything for 2 families, I don't think I am that cold.


You don't get it. 

Your W is messing up everything for 2 families.

OM is messing up everything for 2 families.

OMW deserves to know.

This attitude is why your W prefers another. Do you think OM was hesitant about going for your W and getting what he wanted?

Wrong as it is it shows your W that OM knows what he wants and gets it. And that fact that OM didn't give a crap about anything to get her shows your W how wanted she is.

And if you don't fight back, doing anything you can ( including blowing up his world) tells her you don't care that much. Not if you're just gonna roll over and take it.

What do you want? What will you do to get it?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

OP,
You are completely ruled by fear. Weakness is never a place where battles are won.

Because you refuse to take the advice of those who have wisdom and experience in this area, your wife will continue to eat you alive. And you are the one serving her the meal.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Have any of u actually contacted the OMW, and made it out the other side style w wife and kids? Ca US e all read here is anger and revenge.


Yes, I've been there from both sides. And in both cases, the affair was ended immediately upon exposure so that the waywards could do damage control.

We're not talking about telling this woman for revenge. We're talking about exposing to A) put an end to the affair and B) inform a BS the reality of her situation so she can decide how to proceed.

I really don't know how many times we can say it, but you need to stop being such a sniveling chicken**** and DO something or you're just going to keep being the doormat your wife and her lover wipe their feet on.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

mjjean said:


> yes, i've been there from both sides. And in both cases, the affair was ended immediately upon exposure so that the waywards could do damage control.
> 
> We're not talking about telling this woman for revenge. We're talking about exposing to a) put an end to the affair and b) inform a bs the reality of her situation so she can decide how to proceed.
> 
> I really don't know how many times we can say it, but you need to stop being such a sniveling chicken**** and do something or you're just going to keep being the doormat your wife and her lover wipe their feet on.


quoted for truth


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Slybud said:


> Have any of u actually contacted the OMW, and made it out the other side style w wife and kids? Ca US e all read here is anger and revenge.


Sly........Just worry about getting out of infidelity first the rest will fall into place like water seeking it's own level

Just control the flood gates

55


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

> all read here is anger and revenge.


Another man is having sex with your wife. Your wife is having sex with another man. Both of them are disrespecting you. Anger is a correct reaction.

I don't see revenge here.

Telling the other woman is the right thing to do and you are the only person able to do it. Her marriage has cancer, and she very likely doesn't know it. I am sure some people would not want to know about the cancer and live in bliss. Maybe it will be cured by itself. Maybe death will occur no matter what so why be miserable before you have to? Those are possible. But I think most people would want to know about the cancer and see if they can heal it, or cut it out.



> I knew something was up and ignored the signs


OK, I get it. I should have read your initial post more closely. You are an ignorance-is-bliss kind of guy. But I think you are in the minority. I think most want to know if there's a problem and fix it before it gets too out of hand like yours.It seems you take your wife at her word. She doesn't want you. Yet just three weeks ago, she wanted you. I say she is at best confused, at worst she just wants to explore her new infatuation further to see if that will turn out to be better for her than you. If not, she know you will be there to wait for her.

I do not understand why, if you want to be with your wife, you do not fight for what you want.

My reading comprehension apparently isn't what it used to be. Did I miss something about how telling other man's wife won't help end the affair? How ending the affair doesn't help a step toward reconciling?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If you are as weak as you appear on the Internet, it's clear why she is cheating on you. She has no respect for you. Sounds like an exit affair. Only thing for you to do is expose to the world and divorce her. Learn from your mistakes and move on. You also need to read No More Mr Nice Guy. 

You'll recover and be better than ever. Time flies, so just remember that. Divorce is not a big deal and just a little bump in your journey through life. Many posting here have been there, including me. It can always be much worst, just think of how many people were killed in car accidents on Christmas yesterday. You're problems are little to what others are experiencing! Keep a clear perspective on things. You're are free to start dating and having sex with whoever you can attract! You're second chance on life starts now. Good luck.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Take control and maintain it. Until you do you will always be playing defense and she will be pulling the strings of you, her dancing puppet. Go scorched earth on her ass and don't let up!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your still in shock!

In due time you will come to the conclusion that your just spinning your wheels and the longer you take to dump this wife the worse off you will end up.

God speed.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

While it is true the meek shall inherit the earth, I think you may not enjoy it as much as you think you may.

Personally I do recommend you gain significant strength and take control of your own life and stop allowing your wife to rule over you as if you are her little slave boy.

You cannot change her, but you can change the way you act. You do not need to serve her and her lover breakfast in bed, and scuttle off back to your room to listen to their lovemaking. That is where you're heading. It is what you are accepting right now in a figurative way.

Some people say kick her out of your home. Hard to say. When my wife had an affair I did not try to change her, or kick her out of anywhere. I simply started packing. I could just go, and she knew that would be that.

My wife crawled to me on her hands and knees, begging me to stay. She cried and apologized, and begged and pleaded and offered to do anything to please me, to make it up to me somehow. I have held her to that promise to the best of her abilities for 39 years now.

Sometimes I think she allowed herself to be seduced just to bring my rage out. I was never a gentleman, but I had treated her gently, until then. After that Mary certainly suffered dramatically, but she held the course and we are still together.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Thank you, that's what I am trying to do.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Problem with my wife, she keeps everything in , she has very traumatic past issues as a kid and very non emotional parents who nevery talked or were supportive except for $, she need t he rapy, she keeps every emotion inside, it's scary, so cold, and I wished she beg, but she can't, says doesn't have that in her emotional cry out in her, it's sad t I watch, she needs to get help, at least to be a better mom when this all over, cause ei am not dumb, I know w our life together is over. Yes fear is crippled me, never had t he se emotional thoughts before


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Make a list 

Paper work,
Marriage license
Bank accounts
Ret plans
Bills
Income your/hers

Attorney 

See a couple. Schedule free consultations

What you need to get rid of. Anything worth value that your not using sell!

Look for a therapist for younand your son.

Do this quietly .


Just start crossing thing off as you get them done. Don't spend too much time waiting. Get er done!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Problem with my wife, she keeps everything in , she has very traumatic past issues as a kid and very non emotional parents who nevery talked or were supportive except for $, she need t he rapy, she keeps every emotion inside, it's scary, so cold, and I wished she beg, but she can't, says doesn't have that in her emotional cry out in her, it's sad t I watch, she needs to get help, at least to be a better mom when this all over, cause ei am not dumb, I know w our life together is over. Yes fear is crippled me, never had t he se emotional thoughts before


Every keystroke is about her.

If I may be so bold, she's not here. We don't know her.

We're here to help YOU.

But, we can't if you refuse to.

And, your obsessive focus on her is debilitating.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I'll go a little further.

She has her NEW Knight in Shining Armor. And, he's "everything you're not"

So, what are you going to do for you today?

How about exposing their affair to the entire State of Florida?

She will quickly see that he isn't all that and the current slanted playing field will level out quickly.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Your next step is contacting his wife


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Thank you, that's what I am trying to do.


When are you going to begin?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WilliamM said:


> While it is true the meek shall inherit the earth, I think you may not enjoy it as much as you think you may.
> 
> Personally I do recommend you gain significant strength and take control of your own life and stop allowing your wife to rule over you as if you are her little slave boy.
> 
> ...


I had my wife on a pedestal also.

She fed me a steady diet of shix sandwiches until I grew up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The good news is that by doing everything you’re doing you will soon be divorced from the wicked witch you are married to. If you expose the other man to his wife his wife will be in his **** so bad he won’t have a thought about a long distance piece of tail as old and used as your wife. Why would he want another woman that will cheat on her husband for a one night stand? Even though you are obviously testosterone deprived (see a doctor) I don’t know one single male that would react as weak as you have. It’s embarassing really. Your wife is looking at you like she is repulsed by your weakness because she is disgusted by your lack of bravery. I don’t know why you would want her back considering she dropped her panties for a quick lay at a party but if you do take command now. No woman wants to be married to a spineless wimp. Were you always like this. God, evolution, take your pick, gave you anger for a reason. The reason is to help you do a man’s number one job, protecting his family from every type of danger that comes against them. So far you are earning an F. Looking into your future another man is going to become your wife’s man and your kids’ dad because you just stood by and did nothing.

Read the other dads threads here. Being a father and husband isn’t rocket science.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

So she left today for 3 days, kids are w aunt and son is in daycare most tof the day. I asked what is there, she said peace and quiet, I asked if she could have that here, she said no. Then as she left she said ok I am leaving, al I said was, ok. I wanted to scream, yell, verbally detritus her. But what is the point, it doesn't get me any closer to healing or moving on. But most frustrating is that her uncomfortablness around me would keep her from her son that long. He is 2 and t hey are very close and now all I will here is where mommy, I miss and want mommy, think I have been **** on enough now this. I don't know this person. People say she is severely depressed with all th at s going on. I even asked her yesterday if she made herself a the rapy appointment, and I stated of course with holiday week it would be tough and she looked sad and just shool her head no. But s he w as at Barnes and noble yesterday, hopefully she got a book to read to help herself. At least I get the bed again for 2 nights. But when she gets back I am really considering staying there and s he can freeze in the basement, and take the gloves off.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> So she left today for 3 days, kids are w aunt and son is in daycare most tof the day. I asked what is there, she said peace and quiet, I asked if she could have that here, she said no. Then as she left she said ok I am leaving, al I said was, ok. I wanted to scream, yell, verbally detritus her. But what is the point, it doesn't get me any closer to healing or moving on. But most frustrating is that her uncomfortablness around me would keep her from her son that long. He is 2 and t hey are very close and now all I will here is where mommy, I miss and want mommy, think I have been **** on enough now this. I don't know this person. People say she is severely depressed with all th at s going on. I even asked her yesterday if she made herself a the rapy appointment, and I stated of course with holiday week it would be tough and she looked sad and just shool her head no. But s he w as at Barnes and noble yesterday, hopefully she got a book to read to help herself. At least I get the bed again for 2 nights. But when she gets back I am really considering staying there and s he can freeze in the basement, and take the gloves off.


Still all about her.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I've been in divorce/family law for 30 years. If you continue this "nice guy" thing you have going let me tell you your future. She's going to do one of two things. One, continue to do whatever she wants and use you for anything she can get out of you with zero regard for you as a person. Two, lawyer up, divorce you, and take everything. She'll keep the house, the kids, and you'll pay for everything, regardless of your income situation. That's what a good lawyer will do.

You still love her and that will be your undoing.

She does not love you so she won't feel bad for a second about destroying you in the process.

Let me assure you that nice guys finish last in all things in life but ESPECIALLY in divorce court. Lawyer up right now and strike hard and fast. Get a good lawyer and knock her back on her heels and keep her there until the whole thing is over. You'll end up with the house, kids, and half of whatever future money she makes. She's had mental issues. That's money in the bank as far as custody is concerned. Courts are very hesitant to give full custody to people with a history of mental illness. Seriously, my man. You need to punch or you're going to get punched and probably knocked out. I just saved you a consultation fee because that's exactly what any decent divorce lawyer you speak to is going to tell you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I've been in divorce/family law for 30 years. If you continue this "nice guy" thing you have going let me tell you your future. She's going to do one of two things. One, continue to do whatever she wants and use you for anything she can get out of you with zero regard for you as a person. Two, lawyer up, divorce you, and take everything. She'll keep the house, the kids, and you'll pay for everything, regardless of your income situation. That's what a good lawyer will do.
> 
> You still love her and that will be your undoing.
> 
> ...


Quoting this so you will read it again.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Slybud said:


> But most frustrating is that her uncomfortablness around me would keep her from her son that long.


I don't think that it is her "uncomfortableness" around you that is keeping her from her son for that long. If it was, then she could take him with her. I think that she is going to meet her boyfriend somewhere.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I exposed it to OM wife... one of the best days of the last 16 years!! She was also a good source of The Truth, as we worked together through details.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Slybud said:


> So she left today for 3 days, kids are w aunt and son is in daycare most tof the day. I asked what is there, she said peace and quiet, I asked if she could have that here, she said no. Then as she left she said ok I am leaving, al I said was, ok. I wanted to scream, yell, verbally detritus her.


Call the number of the beach house to make sure she is there. Call the OMW to see if OM is on a "business trip". Pack kiddo up and drive out there and confront them with your "verbal detritus". When and if she gets back she is definitely, not maybe, going to be in the basement or outside in a tent. Then you are going to follow the advice you are being given by the other folks on this site.

If you aren't going to do this or something like it then stop posting here and wasting all these good peoples' time. If you don't do something soon, it is because this is a troll thread, it is all made up. No man in real life could possibly be this wimpy about his wife having an affair. If this story is true, than I don't blame her for wanting to get rid of you. But she should have divorced you first instead of having an affair. That is her fault.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

deleted waste of time


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

My therapist says give her space and do me, also said don't contact ow, said my wife is in inner turmoil, yes we most likely get a divorce and yes maybe she is w him , but I honestly don't give a **** as much any more, I have my son to take care of and a home to maintain , I have talked to a lawyer weeks ago but of course want 3000 up front. And I an gonna get screwed on alimony and child support any way. U don't know me or my wife. I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, you are all so angry and bent on revenge.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Good luck man. 

I've got no more advice for you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Slybud said:


> I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, you are all so angry and bent on revenge.


You certainly have the right to handle this as you see fit and if you feel that telling her boyfriend's wife or expressing anger to your wife would be petty, that's fine too. I do disagree though that all of us are angry. Good luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Slybud said:


> My therapist says give her space and do me, also said don't contact ow, said my wife is in inner turmoil, yes we most likely get a divorce and yes maybe she is w him , but I honestly don't give a **** as much any more, I have my son to take care of and a home to maintain , I have talked to a lawyer weeks ago but of course want 3000 up front. And I an gonna get screwed on alimony and child support any way. U don't know me or my wife. I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, you are all so angry and bent on revenge.


Telling the OMW is NOT to get revenge. It is to a) get someone on YOUR side to help break her out of the affair/fog she is in, and b) it's the right thing to do -- the OMW probably has NO idea what a **** her husband is and what he is doing to their marriage. Your WIFE is in inner turmoil?? WHAT ABOUT YOUR inner turmoil -- forced on you by her cheating? I think perhaps you need to see a different therapist. If they are there for YOU, how is doing what they suggested helping YOU (which is their job -- NOT to help your wife).

You should be able to get an initial consulting with lawyers for free -- search around.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

How come all the professional say don't contact ow, but u all think it's the right thing to do.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Slybud said:


> 2 weeks ago I found out my had an affair, I knew something was up and ignored the signs, I finally did and she said everything was ok, she said the in love but not in love to me, said hasn't been happy, our issues have always been communication. She has been through alot, molested as a kid, bad back, pain meds for back weened off, now she at her best 15 ye ar s later and now she wants to find herself. We had 2 marriage counseling sessions , second one she it won't work since she has no passion or need f or me or ever did. We have 3 kids, dream home. She refuses to stop communication with him. I threatened to notify his wife, and when I do that she gets mad and says that's not me and why destroy their life. I say cause mine is.she is cold now. When I look at her I don't recognize her. So cold. With her past life experiences and parents she has learned to keep everything inside and show no emotion. I have maybe seen her cry3-5 times in the 15 years we have been married.
> My life is in termoil, we are faking it for the holidays. But once xmas is over I know it's gonna get worse. I saw a lawyer and since I make double her I basically loss half. How can I afford a place to live to spend time with my kids. I have lost the 20 lbs. I went over the monthly financial with her to show her why I have been semi depressed and checked out according to her. She said I should of told her but I said why have 2 worry and I wanted the best for and the kids. She said she isn't a princess. I said your were my queen.
> I have done everything wrong, beg, cry, plead, get angry, I gave her th e bed when I should of sent her to the cold basement but I am there . I have tried to distance my self. Cause she says we aren't a couple and it's uncomfortable, unfortunately when we are all together as a family is the only time I feel ok. Yesterday was an ok day but then I at night I get mad cause she didn't help wrap and she said I didn't ask and didn't know what I was doing upstairs. Well u could of asked I said but also said but I know now I disgust you. She said isn't the case.
> She got her own phone so she keep in touch with him, cause if course Iaccidentally pinged her phone when I didn't believe she was home. I took that app off, that made her super mad. I am lost, emotional wreck for our families and kids when th ey all find out. Every one thought we had the perfect marriage. I need advice and non bias support. Later next week ki d are away with their aunt and little guy in day care and she is planning on going to her parents beach house for 2 day's, since just little guy is here and we aren't a couple so we shouldn't hang out. But her leaving homie feel is wrong. But If I say that it won't come out correctly. *How can I get her back.* Advice, hope!?



By doing what you have been doing, slightly less than 0% chance of getting her back.

Better odds if you listen to some of the good advice you have been given.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Slybud said:


> How come all the professional say don't contact ow, but u all think it's the right thing to do.


If someone gets hurt using their advice, they could be liable.

The OMW is not paying for your therapy. 
The OMW's concerns are not the counselors concerns. He has no duty to help her. He is treating you, not her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Read the first page and saw where this was headed so jumped to page 8 and lo and behold...

People getting bent out of shape. Let the man do what he wants to do. He's grown.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Slybud said:


> How come all the professional say don't contact ow, but u all think it's the right thing to do.


 Because the professionals are on billing hours, the longer you suffer the more they get paid. They are also marriage counselors so that is their priority, keep you married even when it is not in your best interest. 
Angry? Us? Nope! Just telling you the truth which is obviously not what you want to hear.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Because the professionals are on billing hours, the longer you suffer the more they get paid.


I think you're talking about attorneys.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> Read the first page and saw where this was headed so jumped to page 8 and lo and behold...
> 
> People getting bent out of shape. Let the man do what he wants to do. He's grown.


Thanks Bob, no one knows my wife, our interaction and early plans for how things are being handled. Yes she did worse things ever to us, but we have 3 kids and need to make sure we are good so they are good. We also have financial obligations bigger then telling the omw. There may come a time when I do, and yes I have no idea what she really is, doing, or feeling, but she made it perfectly clear we aren't a couple, so my priority is to keep me sane and love my kids, if she decided to talk to me finaly, well that would an interesting next post


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> My therapist says give her space and do me, also said don't contact ow, said my wife is in inner turmoil, yes we most likely get a divorce and yes maybe she is w him , but I honestly don't give a **** as much any more, I have my son to take care of and a home to maintain , I have talked to a lawyer weeks ago but of course want 3000 up front. And I an gonna get screwed on alimony and child support any way. U don't know me or my wife. I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, you are all so angry and bent on revenge.


Your therapist is a copay collector - and not your advocate.

Enjoy babysitting while she hangs from the chandeliers with posOM.

Signing off.

No way to help those who won't help themselves.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> I think you're talking about attorneys.


 Nope, but lawyers do it as well, just on an exponentially higher scale.

eta. You should probably read an entire post before trying to be snide, the next line reiterates what I was talking about. 


> They are also marriage counselors so that is their priority, keep you married even when it is not in your best interest.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Slybud said:


> Thanks Bob, *no one knows my wife*,


 Including you apparently, yet you ignore all of the advice given by people in your exact same situation. Your wife is no special snowflake and your situation is not an exception. The folks here giving you advice have seen it and read it time and time again, recognizing what works and what doesn't.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Well, congratulations. You have given her permission to rewrite history. Once she finally decides to stop cake eating (getting laid by her OM while you finance her), she will have already spun an incredibly sad tale of how you were emotionally checked out of the marriage and she could no longer handle the pain of it all. She will have met the OM after she told you the marriage is over, and they will live HEA with your children and her family's blessings.

In case you were wondering- one of the purposes of exposure it to prevent her from weaving a story to make you the bad guy. 

And rest assured she is screwing the OM in the beach house as you twirl your thumbs and let it happen. 

I doubt you'd want your children to be so passive if you found out their spouse was screwing them over. 

FWIW- I have been the cheater and the betrayed. In both situations, exposure rocked the affairs to their cores. And my ex-H was cheating with a marriage counselor- they are human and are capable of bad advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Slybud said:


> Thanks Bob, no one knows my wife, our interaction and early plans for how things are being handled. Yes she did worse things ever to us, but we have 3 kids and need to make sure we are good so they are good. We also have financial obligations bigger then telling the omw. There may come a time when I do, and yes I have no idea what she really is, doing, or feeling, but she made it perfectly clear we aren't a couple, so my priority is to keep me sane and love my kids, if she decided to talk to me finaly, well that would an interesting next post


bud, it's called a Script for a reason. Every cheater follows the SAME pattern, says the SAME things (ILYBINILWY, etc.), threatens the same things, calls you the same names (controlling, etc.). 

That is why we are telling you that the ONLY way to save this marriage is to remove the third person. And the ONLY way to do that is to expose the affair to all the people in HER life who are important to her. To inform them that she has started an affair, that you want to save the marriage, but she must give up the OM, and that after she does that and you two try to fix whatever she thinks is broken, if she still wants to leave, you'll give her your blessing, but you can't do it NOW, while she is still contacting her affair partner. You'll explain to them that a cheater is like a drug addict, that the PEA chemicals in the brain convince a cheater that THIS person is the only person they'll ever be happy with, that she is NOT herself, and until she gives up this man and those chemicals fade away and she can see reality again, nothing she says or does is really her - it's just a drug addict trying to get the next fix, the next high, of contacting her affair partner. And ask them, if they so believe, to tell her that her affair partner who helped break up her marriage will NOT be invited into their homes - that if she chooses him, she'll be on her own with him.

You tell them - these people whose respect she craves - and then you sit back and let things happen as they will. She will be furious with you. That's ok. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive another man. Get.him.out. She'll tell you all kinds of things - again, part of the Script - about how she WOULD have chosen you but now you have ruined everything, how her family thinks you're crazy, how they're all laughing at you...ignore it all. Just sit back and wait. 

And in the meantime, start taking active steps to protect your access to your home and your kids and your money. Do NOT finance her cheating. See a lawyer. Let her KNOW you are seeing a lawyer and going for full custody, as she's not a safe parent right now. This is your ONE CHANCE to shock her into realizing she is screwing up. You must be swift, firm, unemotional. She has to see what she's about to lose. Home, money, kids, standing in the community: you have to show her all the things she's throwing away.

I know, this all seems crazy. But let me tell you something. I have been giving advice for more than 20 years now. I've seen it all. Thousands of cheating wives and husbands. I know exactly what they will do or not do. So does almost everyone else here. We are telling you to do these things BECAUSE THEY WORK. Sure, they go against what a therapist would advise. Therapists are worthless in these situations. You can't MAKE her want you. You can't control her. But what you CAN do is set up the situation so that her choosing him suddenly becomes ugly, stupid, irresponsible, and shameful. And then, she MAY decide 'what the hell am I doing' and agree to give him up and see what happens. 

Your odds aren't great; once a woman decides she wants someone else, she's often DONE. But your odds following this advice are FAR better than following the 'experts' you refer to. And, if she's going to leave anyway, what have you got to lose?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

turnera said:


> bud, it's called a Script for a reason. Every cheater follows the SAME pattern, says the SAME things (ILYBINILWY, etc.), threatens the same things, calls you the same names (controlling, etc.).
> 
> That is why we are telling you that the ONLY way to save this marriage is to remove the third person. And the ONLY way to do that is to expose the affair to all the people in HER life who are important to her. To inform them that she has started an affair, that you want to save the marriage, but she must give up the OM, and that after she does that and you two try to fix whatever she thinks is broken, if she still wants to leave, you'll give her your blessing, but you can't do it NOW, while she is still contacting her affair partner. You'll explain to them that a cheater is like a drug addict, that the PEA chemicals in the brain convince a cheater that THIS person is the only person they'll ever be happy with, that she is NOT herself, and until she gives up this man and those chemicals fade away and she can see reality again, nothing she says or does is really her - it's just a drug addict trying to get the next fix, the next high, of contacting her affair partner. And ask them, if they so believe, to tell her that her affair partner who helped break up her marriage will NOT be invited into their homes - that if she chooses him, she'll be on her own with him.
> 
> ...


This exactly. I would add that most marriage counselors are worthless when it comes to infidelity. They are more concerned with the "happiness" and mental health of the clients who are paying them (see how that works?) then attacking infidelity and calling out the wayward spouse. They don't understand infidelity and are loathe to "take sides." Fire your therapist, man up, and retake control of your life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Everyone is telling you to tell the OMW for two reasons:

1) Moral reason: NOONE has the right to make decisions about the OMW's life behind her back with her in the dark. You and your WW and her OM are making life-shattering decisions about two marriages and families without the input of one crucial member. You have NO RIGHT to do that. It is immoral.

2) Practical reason: Based on typical behavior in infidelity scenarios, it is EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE to expose to the other betrayed spouse if you want to try to break up the affair and have a shot at reconciliation. People have told you ad nauseam that he will most likely dump your wife to try to save his marriage and that is EXACTLY what happens in the vast majority of cases. So, it is a practical tactic.

It has NOTHING TO DO WITH revenge. Nothing.

If you want to make excuses because you are afraid to tell her, you should simply tell us that. Professionals in many areas don't spend all of their professional lives understanding the exact intricacies of human behavior in infidelity. They therefore often have reflexive reactions regarding 'privacy' and 'minding your own business.' If you go to other boards that specialize in this, though, they all tell you to expose. Famous infidelity counselors tell you to expose.

For me it is absolutely the right thing to do. How dare some stranger think it's OK to decide what I should or shouldn't know about my own life? How dare you!


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> eta. You should probably read an entire post before trying to be snide, the next line reiterates what I was talking about.


Here's the next post you refer to:



Rubix Cubed said:


> They are also marriage counselors so that is their priority, keep you married even when it is not in your best interest.


I disagree that the priority of a marriage counselor is to keep the two parties married even when it's not in their best interest, I'm curious why you believe that to be true?

It's my understanding that marriage counseling is focused on dealing with the issues of the two parties and either a) finding a way to make it work or b) working towards an amicable divorce that best satisfies the interests and needs of both parties to make the eventual divorce as easy as possible, especially if there are minor children involved.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Here's the next post you refer to:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Maybe 'your understanding' and reality don't match up, at least not as an absolute. Your 'understanding' may be the book definition, but just like politician's promises, it doesn't always work that way.
OP asked why his MC's opinion differs from so many here, I gave him my reasoning, feel free to give yours.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> OP asked why his MC's opinion differs from so many here, I gave him my reasoning, feel free to give yours.


I think his marriage counselor advises him not to contact the OW (in an effort to break up the affair and push towards reconciliation as a last ditch desperate measure) is because the marriage counselor is at the very least, under the impression that exposure is ineffective in breaking up an affair and will only cause further stress to the already stressed out patient, or at worst the therapist is poorly trained, or even incompetant as are most.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Never mind.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> I think his marriage counselor advises him not to contact the OW (in an effort to break up the affair and push towards reconciliation as a last ditch desperate measure) is because the marriage counselor is at the very least, under the impression that exposure is ineffective in breaking up an affair and will only cause further stress to the already stressed out patient,* or at worst the therapist is poorly trained, or even incompetant as are most.*


 Agree with the bolded 100%.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Agree with the bolded 100%.


 @Rubix Cubed

It's interesting how you and I agree so strongly on several points and are such polarized opposites on others. 

I usually either align with a poster or disagree with everything they write. 

This is refreshing.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You claim all the professionals say keep a secret from the woman who is being wronged?

You have actually heard from all the professionals?

That is nonsense.

The other spouse deserves to know her husband is having an affair. Keeping it secret is immoral, and enabling her cheating spouse. By remaining silent and keeping his secrets for him you are part of the problem.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Slybud said:


> My therapist says give her space and do me, also said don't contact ow, said my wife is in inner turmoil, yes we most likely get a divorce and yes maybe she is w him , but I honestly don't give a **** as much any more, I have my son to take care of and a home to maintain , I have talked to a lawyer weeks ago but of course want 3000 up front. And I an gonna get screwed on alimony and child support any way. U don't know me or my wife. I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, * you are all so angry and bent on revenge.*


*
* @Slybud - I am a latecomer to your thread, and I am looking at it from the perspective of someone married 41+ years who does not have any personal vendettas I need to exorcise. With all due respect, from my vantage point, you have been given excellent advice, but I detect a need for you to dig in your heels and find reasons not to follow it, sort of a "not invented here" attitude. These posters have given you advice in good faith, but it is a shame that you continue to disregard it.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You claim all the professionals say keep a secret from the woman who is being wronged?You have actually heard from all the professionals? That is nonsense.


I thought so too, that his comment "All the professionals say not to expose" was nonsense but I didn't bother responding because it's obvious he's just floundering and throwing out meaningless statements because he's scared and receiving conflicting advice which is confusing him to no end. 



WilliamM said:


> The other spouse deserves to know her husband is having an affair. Keeping it secret is immoral, and enabling her cheating spouse. By remaining silent and keeping his secrets for him you are part of the problem.


This comment by @WilliamM is nonsense, although it's often repeated on this forum by well meaning posters who just don't seem to understand that a person who is looking at the demise of their marriage and is in complete and utter turmoil and can't even think straight has enough on their plate, and it's fair to say the betrayed spouse who is usually the one posting here looking for advice doesn't give a rat's ass about morality or what the affair partner's spouse deserves to be told.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP doesn't want to listen because fear is driving his life now. He believes she'll magically come to her senses and he doesn't want to risk that.

Newton's First Law of Motion:

An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an outside force. 

OP, you are that outside force if you want to try to save your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Malaise is right. At least 95% of betrayed husbands who come here are paralyzed in fear of ANGERING their cheating wives. Seems illogical, no? It's YOU who should be angry, but you're not. You're spinning and in fear of her leaving you and all you can think of is to get back to what you had before. 

But you're leaving out the psychology of this. Women typically fall in love with only one man at a time. When they start having sex with the OM, they usually stop having sex with you, or letting you see them naked. So sitting on your butt and waiting for her to remember you is doomed to fail; she's already moved on.

But IF you remove this guy, IF you let the PEA chemicals fade from her body, she'll come down off her high and remember what she had before she got addicted. 

And the only way to remove him is to expose. And the second best way to expose - after exposing to HER VIPs - is to expose to HIS wife so that she can make HIS life miserable, too, so that both of them hopefully realize the affair is too much trouble.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

You have nailed exactly how I am feeling , but yes I want what was but seems she doesn't, or isn't showing any signs if it . So why bother, all see are negative, and yes I am angry and yes I am tired of keeping this all in, so many say give her space and time, I feel I have lo st enough time. Just the consequences for my kids, is it easier to let it go and move on so I have my kids.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Good post, tunera. I would add this 2x4:

OP has to stop acting so utterly pathetic. His response to his wife's affair is so cowardly that it is no doubt making him more unattractive in her eyes than ever. His only chance at this point is to man up and do the 180. Doing the 180 doesn't mean he has to be mean to her. If I were him, I would send her a letter expressing my tender affection but also lettering her know that since she is having the affair and won't stop she must leave the house. He should file for divorce if she won't end it and start taking care of himself.

Sorry for the tough love, OP, but you needed that smack to get back to your senses.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Correction: Send the letter expressing tender affection and wishes to have a loving marriage. But in a separate conversation give her the ultimatum of leaving the affair or leaving the house. The letter should be the carrot and the conversation the stick.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

She comes hope today from being away from her peace and quiet stay. I know in 2 and half days I can't expect a miracle or a toral 180, but a lot of people .say give space ,let her thunk, all of this hasn't even been a month yet, if she wants to tell the kids when she gets back I am not going to do that until she has counseling and that will be a priority cause thus woman needs to talk to someone and needs help. She probably needs mess ,but took 15 years to get off opiates for back pain, I can't see her jumping back on that. Her dad contacted me via text, I told him he needs to ask her, at this point her and them don't have a great relationship and even w th en on my side it would push her further away. I am not prepared for any of this, nor did I ever want to be, I could of never done this to her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Slybud said:


> My therapist says give her space and do me, also said don't contact ow, said my wife is in inner turmoil, yes we most likely get a divorce and yes maybe she is w him , but I honestly don't give a **** as much any more, I have my son to take care of and a home to maintain , I have talked to a lawyer weeks ago but of course want 3000 up front. And I an gonna get screwed on alimony and child support any way. *U don't know me or my wife.* I need to be nice cause her parents have some $ and only possible way to keep kids in my house, her whole family is emotional screwed, *you are all so angry and bent on revenge.*


:lol: :rofl:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bonkers said:


> I see it ALL over this forum.
> 
> A new person who has recently discovered their partner's affair posts their story and the immediate response of the masses is to EXPOSE! At any cost!
> 
> ...


Where is the dislike button?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> I did talk to a lawyer, but there is so much too lose financially, with what I have to pay out, I will never afford a place to keep my kids with me or able to keep them in this house , whi ch they love m, t he ir school, their friends.


So are you afraid of losing her..... or afraid of the financial hit you will take with a D? And not seeing the kids....

Think hard on that.......


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> I do get that but we are good co parents and believe this will kill th at, I have 3 kids all under 7, my life is a mess, I am working on myself but not sure how, wastes 15 yeas and everyone says oh give it 2 more to move on to new relationship, I am 40 I don't hhave 2 more ye ar s to waste


I was 40 when I dropped D papers in my then Ws lap. I too worried about being "so old" etc....

How crazy was I..... LOL ....There was an 18 month stretch I did not have anything serious with

anybody. But I had more ass than a toilet seat. If you have the 3 P's.... paycheck, property, personality...

there will always be women around you. You don't fear losing her.... you actually fear the unknown.

Just as Evie did in V for Vendetta. I'll skip to the last page of your thread now..... hope it gets better....


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> So are you afraid of losing her..... or afraid of the financial hit you will take with a D? And not seeing the kids....
> 
> Think hard on that.......


I am honestly at this moment more afraid of financial hit and time away from my kids. I'm live for the daily moments I have wit them. Right now I know I lost her and it's on her to find her way back to me if she so feels it. But my meeting w the lawyer got tme so pissed, early estimate is no would owe with alimony and child care 1800-2300 a month, th at leaves me half to live, how ****ing fair is that, I didn't cheat, I was in this relationship for forever. And now I am ****ed ! NJ is a non blame state so it's just ****ed


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> I was 40 when I dropped D papers in my then Ws lap. I too worried about being "so old" etc....
> 
> How crazy was I..... LOL ....There was an 18 month stretch I did not have anything serious with
> 
> ...


Thank you but when divorce is over all I will have left is personality, pay ch eck half going to her and property will have to sell ourdream home, so personality won't go far for a broke homeless dude who makes people laugh.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> I am honestly at this moment more afraid of financial hit and time away from my kids. I'm live for the daily moments I have wit them. Right now I know I lost her and it's on her to find her way back to me if she so feels it. But my meeting w the lawyer got tme so pissed, early estimate is no would owe with alimony and child care 1800-2300 a month, th at leaves me half to live, how ****ing fair is that, I didn't cheat, I was in this relationship for forever. And now I am ****ed ! NJ is a non blame state so it's just ****ed


Then blow it up. What do you have to lose?

Being passive gets you a mortgage payment to her & posOM every month for the rest of your life.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Then blow it up. What do you have to lose?
> 
> Being passive gets you a mortgage payment to her & posOM every month for the rest of your life.


At times I feel she is waiting for me to blow up at her or baiting me into getting angry to almost make her actions ok, seems more I ignore and being present piss her off, such games.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sniff, sniff......

I smell codependency in the air.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> Thank you but when divorce is over all I will have left is personality, pay ch eck half going to her and property will have to sell ourdream home, so personality won't go far for a broke homeless dude who makes people laugh.


A man with a defeatist attitude never won a battle, much less a war. She cheated on you.....

can't get much worse. Here is where you regain your self-respect. And guess what......

the very moment you take your balls back, she will be attracted to you. Call me a liar, 110% fine with that.

But the "take no sheet" take charge guy that she fell in love with..... will be attracted to this.

First comes respect, then comes attractiveness. Blow up the affair and file for D Tuesday.

Serve her at work..... I promise you, she will have a re-action. "Make it real," blow up fantasyland.

But....but..... my kids...... kids will love an attentive parent irregardless of the $$ amount.

Go to the search section and type in ReGroup There is a massive thread there from.... five years

ago..... but you will read the best advice known. Pay strict attention to Mavish (female), HappyMan64,

ThreeStrikes, and Conrad. The people who are throwing 2x4s on you are doing so..... to help you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, half your paycheck and shared custody may be the price you pay for your self-respect and a ticket to freedom and a better life? You don't have good choices, so stop being afraid and decide to do the things you need to do to actually move on in a way that offers you the best outcome.

As everyone here has said, blow this up. That is your only chance to change the bad choices in front of you now.

Stop being afraid. If you were my son, I would personally and physically stiffen your spine for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Slybud said:


> I am honestly at this moment more afraid of financial hit and time away from my kids. I'm live for the daily moments I have wit them. Right now I know I lost her and it's on her to find her way back to me if she so feels it. But my meeting w the lawyer got tme so pissed, early estimate is no would owe with alimony and child care 1800-2300 a month, th at leaves me half to live, how ****ing fair is that, I didn't cheat, I was in this relationship for forever. And now I am ****ed ! NJ is a non blame state so it's just ****ed


We are GIVING you a way to achieve this! You will NEVER get these things by sitting back, saying please, and hoping she'll treat you right. Every day you sit there wringing your hands hoping for crumbs, she despises you more and more. You want time with kids? Then find your spine and go see a lawyer NOW. Start acting like an adult, the kind of man she thought you were.

Women are attracted to strong men. You used to be that. And then OM came along and pursued her - HE became the strong man in her life. It goes back to caveman days, when women had to choose the strong man - or die. It's in our DNA. So every day you DON'T fight, don't say him or me, you look more pathetic to her. 

More importantly, take a look at yourself. Are YOU proud of who you are right now? Will your kids be? You are ignoring ALL of our advice and doing the exact opposite, and guess what? You are now speeding toward losing everything you have. Because we KNOW what's about to happen to you. We've seen thousands of scared men like you. Almost all of them did the pick-me dance you are now doing and almost all of them lost everything. Got their kids 2 or 3 days every two weeks. Because they sat back and said 'oh, but I don't want to make her maaaaaaad, if I stand up for myself, she'll be maaaaaaad, I can't have that!'

Think about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Slybud said:


> At times I feel she is waiting for me to blow up at her or baiting me into getting angry to almost make her actions ok, seems more I ignore and being present piss her off, such games.


*sigh*

You didn't even read what he said. He didn't say BLOW UP at her. He said BLOW IT UP. Meaning, expose to her family, ask for their help in removing the OM, call OM's wife and get her to help break it up. Fight the AFFAIR, not your wife. And yes, she IS waiting for you to get mad, and say what the hell do you think you're doing. That's what you SHOULD be doing. Cowering in fear is NOT what she expected and will NEVER make her want to be nice to you. In fact, if you don't start standing up for yourself, you may find OM moving into your house.

You want proof that you can have your marriage and your family back? Go read the thread of *Lonely husband 42301*. He did exactly what we told him to do and today they are celebrating being more in love with each other than ever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> . You don't fear losing her.... you actually fear the unknown.


This x 10000000 


You are currently paralyzed with fear of the unknown and fear of change. 

We all experience it for period of time to one degree or another so I'm not knocking you; just telling it like it is. 

You're afraid of angering her or pushing her away (irrational fear. She is already gone) 

You're afraid of losing your chance at true love and dying alone in a one-room, skid row apartment being eaten by your cats (another unfounded fear) 

You're afraid of abandonment and alienation from your kids (also unfounded assuming that you are not abusive or neglectful towards them)

You are afraid the financial judgement will leave you penniless and under a bridge in a cardboard box. (there will be a financial cost for sure. But this is what lawyers and courts and judges are for - so that it is somewhat fair and in accordance with the law and the law is written so that kids do remain housed, fed and clothed and that neither of the divorcing couple are left penniless and dependent on public assistance. You may have to downsize your house and lifestyle to a degree, but you are not going to be left penniless and without access to your children's lives)

You are fearing all these things and your mind is conjuring up a plethora of worst-case-scenarios. But the chances are none of these things will come to fruition to the degree that your mind is conjuring up. 

Changes in finances and lifestyle and some lonely nights without a warm body beside you and some time the kids are away?? Yes, absolutely. There will be all of that. 

But child support is temporary. Division of marital assets leaves some empty space in the house and in the bank accounts, but that too gets rebuilt over time. The kids may spend half their time with her, but as long as you don't have an actual restraining order or court order barring you, you can still attend all their games and functions and events even if they occur on her custodial days. And you will quickly find that you like having the freedom to come home to a quiet, orderly house and lay around watching TV in your underwear when you come home from work. And yes there will be a few lonely nights here and there and you may not get laid until you get back out into the dating world. But you will also find that those days she has the kids become date nights and in time you will be back in the saddle socially and romantically. 

Much of those things won't happen overnight, but in time they will.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Currently you are laying in the victims (woe is me) chair. All that's going to get you is self pity. 

The only one keeping you where you are is you.

You don't wake up you'll stay there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

turnera said:


> We are GIVING you a way to achieve this! You will NEVER get these things by sitting back, saying please, and hoping she'll treat you right. Every day you sit there wringing your hands hoping for crumbs, she despises you more and more. You want time with kids? Then find your spine and go see a lawyer NOW. Start acting like an adult, the kind of man she thought you were.
> 
> Women are attracted to strong men. You used to be that. And then OM came along and pursued her - HE became the strong man in her life. It goes back to caveman days, when women had to choose the strong man - or die. It's in our DNA. So every day you DON'T fight, don't say him or me, you look more pathetic to her.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^ THIS x 1000 also^^^

Read it again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I may have already this earlier, but you will take action when the pain and disgrace and torment and anger of the current situation outweighs your fear of the unknown. 


If your pain and anger and dignity and self respect never do outweigh your fear of angering her and your fear of change, then you will become a cuckold. 

You will watch her get all dressed and painted and polished up to go see the OM(s) and she will give you a household chore list to do until she gets back. 

When she returns, she will give you her semen-soaked underwear to launder and then she will crawl in bed and off to a peaceful, content slumber while more of the OM's semen leaks out into your bed. 

All of this will take place as you sweep and dust your dreamhouse and fret over your bank account while she goes off to have fun with her boyfriend(s). 

At it's zenith, she will get pregnant by another man and you will be the one changing it's diapers and buying it's formula and paying for it's college while she goes out and lives the porn life. At that point you will be the ultimate in cuckoldry. 

This is what fear and lack of action will accomplish you. 

Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Slybud said:


> You have nailed exactly how I am feeling , but yes I want what was but seems she doesn't, or isn't showing any signs if it . So why bother, all see are negative, and yes I am angry and yes I am tired of keeping this all in, so many say give her space and time, I feel I have lo st enough time. Just the consequences for my kids, is it easier to let it go and move on so I have my kids.


She doesn’t want you because by your inaction the poor other man’s wife hasn’t caught him yet. Do you honestly think your wife is so desirable that after a one night stand with her the other man is going to dump
His wife, kids and job to come live with your wife? Can anyone be this naive besides your wife. Granted, your wife may be flakey enough to leave you and your kids behind to go to Fla and be his mistress. Another reason he won’t want to divorce is he will be raped by Fla divorce law.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and search reasons to expose. Dr. Harley is about the best counselor out there. Otherwise counselors have no better chance of saving a marriage than people do on their own statistically.

When your wife finds out all he wanted was some side action, the odds are high she will want to make amends. Even if she doesn’t you may save the other kids family.

Morally, saving the other man’s wife from infidelity is the right thing to do. How would you feel about other people knowing and not telling you. Simply put you may not have the integrity to be an honest person and tell her. Keeping his and your wife’s secrets from her puts you in the same boat as your wife and her lover. 

Are there angry people here? Of course there are some. But the advice you are being given is simply practical advise that has worked thousands of times. How is it that as long as you have been here and by reading other threads you still do not know what works and what doesn’t?

Quite frankly I would not want my wife back if she did what yours has done. I would still tell his wife because I am an honest person that believes in right and wrong. I would have her served so fast her head would spin. Does her parents even know what’s she is doing?
The odds have been against you from the beginning. Less than 30% of families in your situation are saved though something like 80% live to regret what they have done. As for your wife there is only a three percent chanc she will have a long term relationship with her boyfriend. 

In several years I only remember one man saying he wished he had not exposed the affair. He wished he had just divorced when he first found out.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Slybud said:


> I am honestly at this moment more afraid of financial hit and time away from my kids. I'm live for the daily moments I have wit them. Right now I know I lost her and it's on her to find her way back to me if she so feels it. But my meeting w the lawyer got tme so pissed, early estimate is no would owe with alimony and child care 1800-2300 a month, th at leaves me half to live, how ****ing fair is that, I didn't cheat, I was in this relationship for forever. And now I am ****ed ! NJ is a non blame state so it's just ****ed


Did the lawyer also explain that the longer your married the higher the price you pay? If you tell yourself your sticking it out for the kids to avoid child support by the time they turn 18 then alimony jumps up and the length of time becomes longer. Every house payment etc your essentially throwing half away as she will get that half, same with retirement accounts.

It doesn't get cheaper hanging around. She is also free to file for divorce at anytime and if you allow her to be in control of the process you'll be in a much worse position. The longer her fantasy life goes on the more she will convince herself divorce is the answer so she can be "happy and free". 

Divorce sucks, you've got a much better shot at having it sucking less trying to get a divorce while she thinks a great new life awaits her. File for divorce, have a lawyer write up a favorable deal to you and see if she signs it, worst she can do is say no. You already know your worst case scenario and if she files it will be that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

And if you still would want her back (why I don't know but some do).... letting her walk all over

you is NOT the way. Women love strong, fierce men who do not take crap. Security is a main factor

in deciding a H. By you acting NOW..... it's puts you in a better position with the D and.... will 

attract her. That I promise. It's a win-win. Work on yourself, find out why you are co-dependent.

Read Co-Dependent No More.... also read No More Mr. Nice Guy, Hold on to your N.U.T.S, and...

Married Man, Sex Life. All four have always been highly touted on TAM. If you stay where you are....

she will get the house (she will move him in and screw him in YOUR bed while....you're making the 

payments), receive alimony (does she work any?), child support... and that will be enough for her

to sit at home, not work, and have sex with POSOM in every room....she never did with you.

Oh..... you'll be required to carry medical coverage on the kids and.... your retirement, and don't be

shocked if she brings false charges against you to get full custody of the kids......

So your three kids and harlet XW will live in your home, that you pay for, with her POSOM....

while you beat your brains out working 80 hours a week and living in a run down hotel on the bad side 

of town where you rent by the week. Want that? I sure hope not....


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Does she have a job?

Yes or no?

Since you are so determined to make every post about her..... what does she actually do? (Besides screw posOM)


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

Uodate. Things aren't better. We barely talk. It's so confusing how fast I have become the enemy even though I never did anything wrong. Kids are starting to hurt. Seems as much as I am trying to protect them I actually may be hurting them more. My pain at times is unbearable. The emotional tears, ch east pains, lack of appetite, 30lb loss in 5 weeks. But she seems so determined to live this entitled selfish life, regardless of the kids. We have 3 kids and we chose to bring them onto this world, and now she needs her alone time, while I am left with their tears, and she has a ratonal reason to herself for al her decisions. For first-time I riddled wi th fear and future is so uncertain. I dint deserve this! I am an amazing husband dad.it's like dealing with a teenager when talking wi th her. I still go to therapy but I don't feel I get anything out of it. I rant and she listens and says develop a plan, but I cannot make plans for the future ofbthe kids with this woman who used to be my wife for 15 years in the state and attitude she is in.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

look at what you are allowing to happen to your kids. They see that you are a wimp and your W is a ho. You are enabling this by being passive.

You need a new IC and you need to expose to her family, your family and the OMW. You need a shark lawyer and get her served


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> Uodate. Things aren't better. We barely talk. It's so confusing how fast I have become the enemy even though I never did anything wrong. Kids are starting to hurt. Seems as much as I am trying to protect them I actually may be hurting them more. My pain at times is unbearable. The emotional tears, ch east pains, lack of appetite, 30lb loss in 5 weeks. But she seems so determined to live this entitled selfish life, regardless of the kids. We have 3 kids and we chose to bring them onto this world, and now she needs her alone time, while I am left with their tears, and she has a ratonal reason to herself for al her decisions. For first-time I riddled wi th fear and future is so uncertain. I dint deserve this! I am an amazing husband dad.it's like dealing with a teenager when talking wi th her. I still go to therapy but I don't feel I get anything out of it. I rant and she listens and says develop a plan, but I cannot make plans for the future ofbthe kids with this woman who used to be my wife for 15 years in the state and attitude she is in.


Did you expect things to "get better" if you did nothing?


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I have exposed t I my family, th ey dont anything to do w her, I told her parents and sister but their family is so ****ed they push her for fear r of not seeing our kids and she hates t he parents especially blaming them for the way she is. 
Now the ow... my therapist said it would be a massive mistake to do that would make our fights from a 3 to a 10 and destroy any chance for co parenting, also its not.my place or job to, so confused, is it that too late anyway to contact ow


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I have exposed to familys , ignored her, gave space, but she is walled in emotionally


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Slybud said:


> I have exposed t I my family, th ey dont anything to do w her, I told her parents and sister but their family is so ****ed they push her for fear r of not seeing our kids and she hates t he parents especially blaming them for the way she is.
> Now the ow... my therapist said it would be a massive mistake to do that would make our fights from a 3 to a 10 and destroy any chance for co parenting, also its not.my place or job to, so confused, is it that too late anyway to contact ow


As long as you are frightened of her reaction, the current direction is the one this will take.

She's going to steamroll you right out of your kid's lives and you're going to sit there and take it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Slybud said:


> I have exposed t I my family, th ey dont anything to do w her, I told her parents and sister but their family is so ****ed they push her for fear r of not seeing our kids and she hates t he parents especially blaming them for the way she is.
> Now the ow... my therapist said it would be a massive mistake to do that would make our fights from a 3 to a 10 and destroy any chance for co parenting, also *its not.my place or job to*, so confused, is it that too late anyway to contact ow


By not telling his W you are helping him. Is that what you want , to be his little helper?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your therapist is wrong. She knows nothing about stopping an affair. Tell his wife. Today.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

So ever person cheated on this forum contacted the omw, seriously, my issue now is her thoughts and arguments are flaud and she really hurt the kids going b away r his weekend, and wouldn't tell them, then come Sunday when we came home from my families, t he girls asked and instead of a white lie she could of told could of told she said she was at the Eagles playoff game with work friend's, my girls were so jealous and confused, they also had seperatiom issues when she left for work today. Now u can think what u want and I have but the guy she had affair w lives in Florida and I saw the envelope the tickets came in from her work, regardless wtf has happened to her, she is totally different person now. I feel like my last 15 years were a lie.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your therapist keeps telling you that you need a plan and that's correct. Make one. Your plan doesn't depend on what your wife thinks or does. It's about you moving forward and focusing on yourself and your children. This uncertainty is impacting them. They're scared and confused because things are changing and they don't know why. Fix that.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Slybud said:


> I have exposed to familys , ignored her, gave space, but she is walled in emotionally


As long as she has OM is not 'walled in'. She has him because his W knows nothing about the A. OMW is a potential ally for you but you won't enlist her. 

You need to use everything at your disposal.

Or, this will continue.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Inform the OM's wife now.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Inform the OM's wife now.


Tonight.

Nothing will change until you take this step.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you afraid of? You have already lost her by being weak.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Your therapist keeps telling you that you need a plan and that's correct. Make one. Your plan doesn't depend on what your wife thinks or does. It's about you moving forward and focusing on yourself and your children. This uncertainty is impacting them. They're scared and confused because things are changing and they don't know why. Fix that.


If you look back over the history of your relationship, you'll likely see that any "plans" you've had have "always" depended on what your wife thinks or does... or approves of.

That's one reason why the relationship grew so stale and boring to her that she decided to step out on you and bang posOM.

Of course, her immorality is not your fault or your doing.

BUT.... the climate you set in the family home likely offered nothing to dissuade her from the "fun and excitement" of a secret sexual affair.

Now that she sees your passivity, she realizes she was right


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I see your point, just trying keep my wits about me for th e future and the kids. There is no changing her mind or us, so yes I have gone into hiding so to say.not proud of it, but afraid if I go otheer way things may take turn for worse in sense no being able to control ones self


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Slybud said:


> I see your point, just trying keep my wits about me for th e future and the kids. There is no changing her mind or us, so yes I have gone into hiding so to say.not proud of it, but afraid if *I go otheer way things may take turn for worse* in sense no being able to control ones self


Can we explore this a little bit? I mean, you're afraid if you don't quit cowering things may take a turn for the worse, so I assume you're imagining something worse than you have now. What is it? What would be worse? "no being able to control ones self"? What does that mean? You will lose control of yourself? She'll lose control of herself? 

What's worse than you have now?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Nucking Futs said:


> Can we explore this a little bit? I mean, you're afraid if you don't quit cowering things may take a turn for the worse, so I assume you're imagining something worse than you have now. What is it? What would be worse? "no being able to control ones self"? What does that mean? You will lose control of yourself? She'll lose control of herself?
> 
> What's worse than you have now?


Indeed.

Please answer this.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Nothing will ever change, until you want them to change. You say you are beyond miserable.

But are scared.... of pulling the plug? This M has been dead for a long time... KILL it.

Put it out of its misery. Yes D will cost $, you will lose $, not see your kids as much...

But would you want your kids to grow up in a household like this? Kids seek out partners / lives

that correlate with how they grew up. You keep wanting a reaction out of her. Okay.....

File for D, tell OMW, expose to all who will give two schits.

Then.... you will get the reaction you long for.


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## Slybud (Dec 24, 2017)

I feel the next arguement will be the last, she did try to go out last night funny this text had so much detail in it versus others being so vague , I did mentally have plans never told her assumed I would just leave like I normally do after dinner. But I answered back I have plans after work, and she responded ok no problem. I did go to.movies and a bite to eay, nothing fancy or a date. Then today my family was taking girls to a hockey game I assumed she would take our son out before they got there, but she atayed, stood in the kitchen and didn't say anything really, but.I really assumed s h e would take off before th ey got there. Another mystery to think about. Next time she does leave I am gonna say hey u write down what u want, I write down mine, u make appt w mediator and let's get this going in march, wonder if that scares her or makes happy to start moving in the divorce direction


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Slybud said:


> I feel the next arguement will be the last, she did try to go out last night funny this text had so much detail in it versus others being so vague , I did mentally have plans never told her assumed I would just leave like I normally do after dinner. But I answered back I have plans after work, and she responded ok no problem. I did go to.movies and a bite to eay, nothing fancy or a date. Then today my family was taking girls to a hockey game I assumed she would take our son out before they got there, but she atayed, stood in the kitchen and didn't say anything really, but.I really assumed s h e would take off before th ey got there. Another mystery to think about. Next time she does leave I am gonna say hey u write down what u want, I write down mine, u make appt w mediator and let's get this going in march, wonder if that scares her or makes happy to start moving in the divorce direction


She will respect you as a man, in the relationship.......

when you start acting like one.

Just do it..... WGAFF what they think...... just do.

Talk MUCH less

Do MUCH more


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's no point in analyzing her actions -- you'll never figure her out -- so focus on you and your children.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Talk about living the dream.

Imagine being the posOM in this situation.

A free pass.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Free poon.... sends her home to bytch at her H.... "when's the wedding".....


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Free poon.... sends her home to bytch at her H.... "when's the wedding".....


This one - headed to necroland.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Call the wife.....JUST DO IT


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

ReturntoZero said:


> This one - headed to necroland.


Many do...... until they face reality. Some return....


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