# Affairs with Boss - stories



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Affairs with your Boss | Segal Psychotherapy Blog

Some women are really naive.

My XW's AP was a married teacher who had previously had a 3-year affair on his wife (his former student) and prior to that impregnated a married woman who wanted to leave her H but the AP did not want it. She had to have an abortion. 

Part of my own trauma was accepting the fact that my XW could not see these as red flags and was therefore just as naive as these women. It's the same old story.. a woman is 'impressed' by a man and sees his outward displays of friendship and mentoring and inquiring about her love life as real interest in HER. The interest was her in bed. The guilt I am STILL dealing with is not busting up her affair properly and she is now with this guy, and my kids are being raised in part by them. TBH, I am surprised he did not dump her given his history and the fact she has kids. His wife was infertile and my XW felt like she could give him things "his other women couldn't" (makes you want to puke, doesn't it?). And here I am, the prior OM to my wife's exit A from her first H (I was not using her for sex) and find myself feeling very hypocritical and realizing that I had a bad picker. Still trying to move on from that WTF situation.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Funny how just that one was suggested as sexual harassment, and only because the boss did it with other women before. Can't they all be placed in the same category? The author even suggested that some situations could be bad because an affair partner might be up for a raise or something. That is sexual harassment. I suppose as long as the boss is not cheating on the current partner, it's not sexual harassment? If the partner gets money out of it through a promotion or raise, it's not sexual harassment? Weird...

Seems as though the author believes that all couples have affairs. She even states that it's a means to an end and sort of seems to condone it. Then she seems to think it's best to keep it a secret. 

Does she really think that these affairs are secret? None of them are secret from the other employees. There is always an inner circle who knows. Then it spreads like wildfire with whispers and remarks. The only one left in the dark is the BS. 

Why do these folks get married? I guess many of us have a dream that we will be loved and are the kind of person who will love well.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think they are missing something in themselves, to be honest. And someone feeds their sense of self-worth but are 'coveting' them under the guise of raising them up. 

This counselor doesn't have a clue about infidelity.


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## brendanoco (Aug 6, 2014)

*""HI Carey,
Sounds like a painful situation. I would recommend NOT contacted the HR department of her company. Since you want to heal and repair the relationship it will only work against you if you do that. I would suggest that you talk with your wife and tell her that you want to heal together as a couple. I would also refrain from telling her affair partner’s wife as well. You will only add to the hurt and pain. Focus on your wife and your relationship. Communication is key here. I would also suggest marriage counseling if you wife is willing to do go. Good luck with your healing journey! Renee""*

WTF????:scratchhead:

Yeah thats great advice dont tell the HR department and dont expose to his wife just do the good old nice her back.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Part of my own trauma was accepting the fact that my XW could not see these as red flags and was therefore just as naive as these women.


I obviously don't know your xw but in my opinion I think you don't give your xw enough credit. She knew exactly what she was doing and was seeking out those red flags intentionally. Your xw was looking to cheat and she really didn't care who it was with as long as she got her ego fed. She may even try to delude herself into believing she was in love just so she wouldn't feel like she was such a tramp.

Think of it this way, if you personally were just looking to get laid and you knew a girl at a bar was an easy lay wouldn't you go for her rather than someone who would take a lot more effort and time? She knew he was a POS (because he had a history) and would have no issues keeping her little secret and be an easy score. That was the appeal of her choosing the OM. It's also why most WS downgrade because their AP's are easier targets.

Hopefully you understand eventually that if it wasn't him, it would of been someone else. Your XW was looking to cheat all along, she knew her POSOM would go for it and was an easy mark. Once she "checked out" of the marriage she was on the prowl. It was only a matter of time before opportunity came knocking. My xw cheated with her boss too so I've had a lot of time to reflect on this.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I obviously don't know your xw but in my opinion I think you don't give your xw enough credit. She knew exactly what she was doing and was seeking out those red flags intentionally. Your xw was looking to cheat and she really didn't care who it was with as long as she got her ego fed. She may even try to delude herself into believing she was in love just so she wouldn't feel like she was such a tramp.
> 
> Think of it this way, if you personally were just looking to get laid and you knew a girl at a bar was an easy lay wouldn't you go for her rather than someone whose would take a lot more effort and time? She knew he was a POS (because he had a history) and would have no issues keeping her little secret and be an easy score. That was the appeal of her choosing the OM. It's also why most WS downgrade. Easier target.
> 
> Hopefully you understand eventually that if it wasn't him, it would of been someone else. Your XW was looking to cheat all along, she knew her POSOM would go for it and was an easy mark. Once she "checked out" she was on the prowl. It was only a matter of time before opportunity came knocking. My xw cheated with her boss too so I've had a lot of time to reflect on this.


Rings of truth. I'm she enjoyed the challenge, and yes it could have been someone else down the road.

Sorry about your loss.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I obviously don't know your xw but in my opinion I think you don't give your xw enough credit. She knew exactly what she was doing and was seeking out those red flags intentionally. Your xw was looking to cheat and she really didn't care who it was with as long as she got her ego fed. She may even try to delude herself into believing she was in love just so she wouldn't feel like she was such a tramp.
> 
> Think of it this way, if you personally were just looking to get laid and you knew a girl at a bar was an easy lay wouldn't you go for her rather than someone whose would take a lot more effort and time? She knew he was a POS (because he had a history) and would have no issues keeping her little secret and be an easy score. That was the appeal of her choosing the OM. It's also why most WS downgrade because their AP's are easier targets.
> 
> Hopefully you understand eventually that if it wasn't him, it would of been someone else. Your XW was looking to cheat all along, she knew her POSOM would go for it and was an easy mark. Once she "checked out" of the marriage she was on the prowl. It was only a matter of time before opportunity came knocking. My xw cheated with her boss too so I've had a lot of time to reflect on this.


I find this a bit strange to be put in this manner. He was an easy mark? She seduced him? Most women here say they want their husband to initiate. While they present the most attractive person they can and say all the right things, don't you think the OM initiates? Don't you think they require this to be able to keep a modicum of self-respect? 

I think it would be terribly embarrassing for a woman to initiate and be turned down. I mean, she does have the goods, after all, and, the stereotypes consistently say that men are just horny and will sleep with whomever is available. Okay, maybe I'm stretching here. 

I'm being a little sarcastic, too.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Rings of truth. I'm she enjoyed the challenge, and yes it could have been someone else down the road.
> 
> Sorry about your loss.


It's okay, she practically did me a favor. I'm happier and far better off today without her than I ever was in the marriage. Unfortunately, my kids have to deal with the pain of her selfish actions too. They won't see it the way I do.

Good Luck.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I find this a bit strange to be put in this manner. He was an easy mark? She seduced him? Most women here say they want their husband to initiate. While they present the most attractive person they can and say all the right things, don't you think the OM initiates? Don't you think they require this to be able to keep a modicum of self-respect?


I can only speak from my own experience. It's the same song and dance when you date. Men pursue the woman. HOWEVER, women will put out all the signals that they are "available". They will flirt with the man, give him attention, etc. this will in turn cause the man to fish and she will of course take the bait. OM's don't waste their time on unavailable women. If some POS chases your wife, 9/10 she gave him a reason to think she was available. The WW's didn't need much convincing once the offer is put out on the table. It was their intent to cheat all along.



2ntnuf said:


> I think it would be terribly embarrassing for a woman to initiate and be turned down.


I agree but if the woman knows the man is a POS and has a cheating past himself then what are the odds she will get turned down? That's why I said they specifically seek those red flags. Isn't that more realistic then believing women can be so niave to ignore them and not see them for what they are? Trust me, most are far from being as dumb as they pretend to be when they get caught. Most women can spot a player from a mile away.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I can only speak from my own experience. It's a same song and dance when you date. Men pursue the woman. HOWEVER, women will put out all the signals that they are "available". They will flirt with the man, give him attention, etc. this will in turn cause the man to fish and she will of course take the bait. OM's don't waste their time on unavailable women. If some POS chases your wife, 9/10 she gave him a reason to think she was available. The WW's didn't need much convincing once the offer is put out on the table. It was their intent to cheat all along.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree but if the woman knows the man is a POS and has a cheating past himself then what are the odds she will get turned down? That's why I said they specifically seek those red flags. Isn't that more realistic then believing women can be so niave to ignore them and not see them for what they are? Trust me, most are far from it being as dumb as they pretend to be when they get caught. Almost all women can spot a player from a mile away.


Agree. Also, because of another thread here, this made me think about consent. Don't want to derail, just point out the obvious. hahaha. Mister Obvious....you have to look him up on ewetoob. 

Sorry, staystrong. I got carried away. I hope you can find some more peace of mind and self-assurance. From what I've read that you posted before this thread, you deserve to give yourself a break, and a big one at that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Occasionally my wife will sleep with someone at her place of work, but I'm OK with it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Agree. Also, because of another thread here, this made me think about consent. Don't want to derail, just point out the obvious. hahaha. Mister Obvious....you have to look him up on ewetoob.
> 
> Sorry, staystrong. I got carried away. I hope you can find some more peace of mind and self-assurance. From what I've read that you posted before this thread, you deserve to give yourself a break, and a big one at that.


Thanks 2ntnuf. I was dealing with a seriously entitled and narcissistic one to boot. WS's say the most critical stuff about their BS's to get off on themselves. It's so ugly and heinous and it should be enough for anyone to give them the boot. If only everyone else around them could see the monsters they became, they'd lose all face immediately.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BetrayedDad said:


> I agree but *if the woman knows the man is a POS and has a cheating past himself then what are the odds she will get turned down?* That's why I said they specifically seek those red flags. Isn't that more realistic then believing women can be so niave to ignore them and not see them for what they are? T*rust me, most are far from being as dumb as they pretend to be when they get caught. *Most women can spot a player from a mile away.


Exactly...

This realization really confused me. My wife's AP was her scumbag Boss (principal) at the school she taught. Long before the affair, She and I both knew he was a divorced player and slept with married/unmarried teacher in the system. He was a total fake, played the PTO, the parents, the students, and the faculty as this concerned Admin, even died his hair with highlights. 

I remember asking her, "Why in the hell would you get involved with someone like him?" 

What I didn't understand at the time... She had become just as fake as him.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

RWB said:


> What I didn't understand at the time... She had become just as fake as him.


That's one of the main problems BS's have, they don't want to accept that their WS is capable of doing bad things. I remember thinking that I was the reason my W compromised her morals in her situation because she would never had done that otherwise. That was denial talking.

You spouse can be like your kid, anything bad they do you see as a reflection of yourself so you try to defend them.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"This counselor doesn't have a clue about infidelity."

Definitely the understatement of the day.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Occasionally my wife will sleep with someone at her place of work, but I'm OK with it.


...And then she comes right home and has sex with you, right?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Occasionally my wife will sleep with someone at her place of work, but I'm OK with it."

Plan 9,

So I take it you have an open relationship?

I was curious and looked through your thread history some...lol...but you're a pretty active poster and over 2000 comments is a lot to sift through...so I decided to just come back and ask.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> ...And then she comes right home and has sex with you, right?


We both work from home.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "Occasionally my wife will sleep with someone at her place of work, but I'm OK with it."
> 
> Plan 9,
> 
> ...


No, we both work out of the house, so we'll have nooners a few times a week. Thought I'd add a little brevity to a thread in this section since this wasn't about a specific poster seeking help but a general discussion topic.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> That's one of the main problems BS's have, they don't want to accept that their WS is capable of doing bad things. I remember thinking that I was the reason my W compromised her morals in her situation because she would never had done that otherwise. That was denial talking.
> 
> You spouse can be like your kid, anything bad they do you see as a reflection of yourself so you try to defend them.


I think there's also a sense of control if the BS can believe they somehow caused the affair. I mean, if we did X and that was the reason our WS had their affair, then bey NOT DOING X we can prevent another affair.

Sadly it's not so simple. We have NO control over our WS's actions. Therefore we cannot prevent them from doing it again. 

They chose to cheat mostly because they wanted to and they thought they could get away with it. And if THEY don't fix the thing inside them that made that choice ok, then they will do it again.

We can't make them fix themselves either. They either will or they won't. All we can do is have our own boundaries about what we will and won't accept in their behavior, and enforce the consequences associated with those boundaries should they be crossed again.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@plan:

You dog you. Atta boy.


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