# Ready to end this



## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

I am not new here, but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger in the past, but have a plan now. First off, there has been no infidelity (as far as I know). There is no one big issue, just too many years of knowing our marriage is over and not able to keep on the way things are. 
Little backstory, we have been married 17 years and have 2 school age children. I have been hesitant to put my children through a divorce, especially when we have been doing our best to fight less and focus on raising them. I just feel angry all the time and my oldest has said she doesn't think we should be together because he doesn't act like he loves me. I think when your children are pointing out what you thought you were hiding, its not worth it anymore. We tried MC about 4 years ago, but he didn't want to stick with it despite saying he still loves me and knowing I have not been happy for a long time.
We have basically been room mates that are coparenting for many years now. I just can't live this way any longer. Some major hurdles will be that he isn't working, though he should be. He has decided he is a SAHD, but both kids are in school and he feels he shouldn't be responsible for the housework, etc. He has finally started sharing in the grocery shopping and making dinners. I work full time over night. I am sick of being the only one to stress over finances, there is no reason he can not work. 
So in separating/divorcing I will be expected to pay him alimony while trying to afford a place myself. I do have my patents local which will help with childcare (my mother has already said they will help me). 
I do need to end with the statement that cheating is not always the reason a wife wants out, sometimes a person just reaches their limit.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Overwhelmed in NE said:


> I am not new here, but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger in the past, but have a plan now. First off, there has been no infidelity (as far as I know). There is no one big issue, just too many years of knowing our marriage is over and not able to keep on the way things are.
> Little backstory, we have been married 17 years and have 2 school age children. I have been hesitant to put my children through a divorce, especially when we have been doing our best to fight less and focus on raising them. I just feel angry all the time and my oldest has said she doesn't think we should be together because he doesn't act like he loves me. I think when your children are pointing out what you thought you were hiding, its not worth it anymore. We tried MC about 4 years ago, but he didn't want to stick with it despite saying he still loves me and knowing I have not been happy for a long time.
> We have basically been room mates that are coparenting for many years now. I just can't live this way any longer. Some major hurdles will be that he isn't working, though he should be. He has decided he is a SAHD, but both kids are in school and he feels he shouldn't be responsible for the housework, etc. He has finally started sharing in the grocery shopping and making dinners. I work full time over night. I am sick of being the only one to stress over finances, there is no reason he can not work.
> So in separating/divorcing I will be expected to pay him alimony while trying to afford a place myself. I do have my patents local which will help with childcare (my mother has already said they will help me).
> I do need to end with the statement that cheating is not always the reason a wife wants out, sometimes a person just reaches their limit.


*Yours is an understandable plight!

If anyone had the inherent right to cheat, it might well be you, but thank you so much for having done the honorable thing and for having never entertained the notion of going there!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Have you seen a lawyer yet? He sounds like a bit of a leech tbh. What makes him think he can sponge of you, have you not discussed this?


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## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

I have not seen a lawyer yet, but a coworkers husband is a local divorce lawyer. 
Just to explain a little, I had agreed to him working (temporarily) per diem almost 4 years ago when I changed jobs and had a long commute. The understanding was he would prepare our house for selling so we could move closer to my new job...that never happened. So after 3 years I left a job I loved and took one closer to home (and my extended family). I had more than considered leaving back then and moving out there with the kids (still the same state), but would not have my family close to help me. He barely worked per diem the first few years and not at all for the past year. 
My current plan (fair or not) is to keep on and get the house ready to put on the market this spring and then carry out the separation. But I have days, like today where I just want to end it now. But selfishly I do not want this house and want it sold first. I feel after his years of selfishness, this is mine, it is what's best for our kids too.
Regarding the cheating, that is not how I want to end my marriage... not that I don't have fleeting thoughts about it. It has been a very lonely marriage for too many years.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Life is too short to be miserable. Don't have regret later on in life. You're in the prime to find a new man and start over. Do it. Get a plan. Sounds like you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Child Support/alimony calculations will be based off both of your earning potentials. He will be forced to get a job, no leeching allowed. I forced my ex wife go full time if she wanted to keep/refinance the house/car. You don't get to support 100% of his life after divorce.

Are you two still having sex? How long has this marriage been dead?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is a leech. No need for a stay at home parent when all kids are in school full time, especially when he isnt pulling his weight keeping the house up. That is part of the job of SAHP. I hold this view whether it is mom OR dad. Tell him he needs to find a job because you will be selling the house and filing for divorce once it is sold. This man is not a partner to you.


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## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

So embarrassing, but no sex for 7 years...
I have looked at the alimony and child support calculators for my state and it stressed me out (even figuring out with his past salary from years ago). If we get 50/50 child custody he could end up with about 1 weeks salary from me. If that is the case, my kids will have to give up their activities and hoping to still be able to swing somewhere decent to live with the kids. I pray he uses common sense and we can work something out more reasonable so our kids don't suffer. I am most worried about his family getting in his head to go for everything he can get...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Overwhelmed in NE said:


> So embarrassing, but no sex for 7 years...
> I have looked at the alimony and child support calculators for my state and it stressed me out (even figuring out with his past salary from years ago). If we get 50/50 child custody he could end up with about 1 weeks salary from me. If that is the case, my kids will have to give up their activities and hoping to still be able to swing somewhere decent to live with the kids. I pray he uses common sense and we can work something out more reasonable so our kids don't suffer. I am most worried about his family getting in his head to go for everything he can get...


You really need to consult with an attorney before you freak out too much.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Don't assume alimony is a given. First he has to ask for it and second he has to justify his need for it, so make sure you don't bring it up because it might not be on his mind. As far as child support goes it's really not that bad once you have your lawyer run the calculations that includes things like the health insurance that you are already paying for. I make $100K more than my ex and we have 50:50 custody, and I only pay about $800/month for two kids after the extras like insurance were calculated in. Since he's a SAHD you'll save a bunch by not paying his bills and that will cover most or all of any child support. My ex was a SAHM and what I saved by not paying her living expenses more than covered my child support (e.g. her student loans, car payment, insurance, food, medical, cell phone, and shopping was well over $800/month). Also, post divorce he'll need to pay part of the other child expenses that you are currently covering 100% with your income. 

The absolute best thing you can do now it consult with a lawyer and get these issues figured out. Then make a budget and compare the expenses you are paying now against your estimated future expenses and you may very well be much better off.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He might not get as much as you think..... he hasn't been out of work that long and he can work. 

But the longer you let him sponge the more it will cost you. 

Do it now. Hire a good lawyer and play hardball. Don't assume that he's automatically going to get whatever he asks for or that he's going to work with you.

He's not your partner..... he's your enemy.


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## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

While I plan to consult with a lawyer, my hope is we could manage this through mediation. What do you think the chances are? Anyone with experience?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Since you are the breadwinner, I would suggest you get yourself an attorney.


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