# Kid argues...about EVERYTHING



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. And not a fun, teasing, "I'm practicing my debating skills for adulthood!" type of arguing. It's a negative, pissy, I'm right and you're wrong cuz I know everything kind of arguing. 

Of course there's times when arguing is appropriate. If a teacher gives him detention for something he didn't do, he has my blessing to argue his point until the cows come home. If it's a debatable topic, I'll go into it with him.

If he's asking me how to do something, like homework, then SHUT THE EFF UP!!!! I know how to do it, he doesn't, why is he arguing!?!?!?! 

I've even tried being straight with him and explaining that no one likes a bigtime arguer. I've tried explaining that not everything is a debate, for instance, when Mama says "take out the garbage", it means take out the garbage, not "let's argue about how its not garbage because there's a sock in there and socks aren't garbage." I've tried explaining how no one wants to hear it, and its fallen on deaf ears.

It's getting to the point where he's just downright unlikable. I say that factually, not judgementally. No one wants to talk to him anymore because they know he'll start some stubborn conversation about how it's not a nice day because there's a cloud over there. It's not just us, I mean its neighbors, grandparents, aunts and uncles...

yes this is the same kid who I originally thought might be stupid (again...factual, not judgemental...). I've realized he's not stupud, he's just got this stubborn streak a mile long. I think he gets it from his mother, oddly enough. I used to think it came from his deceased drug addict of a father, but turns out it's definitely his mother. And it just goes to show that even though he's consciously aware that his combative personality is alienating him from everyone, he refuses to acknowledge that he should change anything about it. 

What the heck do I do with this kid? Part of me is content to just let him be and hope he figures things out as he gets older, but I also worry maybe that's the wrong road. But it feels like a razors edge because pushing him to change too much will just alienate him further. What do I do!?!?!?!?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you tried agreeing with him?

Then walk away.

Takes two to argue.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If this is your kid please go get parenting classes, no one is "stupid" if you mean a learning disability then state it as that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I didn't argue with my children. When possible, they had two choices, pick one - if you don't pick one, then I pick. 

If no choices, they were allowed to state their disagreement, I would listen and consider it and normally it didn't change anything.

No back and forth, no argument. 

There can't be an argument unless YOU engage. 

So, the garbage argument - I wouldn't engage. He knows what you mean and he should expect consequences if he doesn't complete the task. 

As for referring to him as stupid, I hope you've never done that to his face.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Have you tried saying...

"Well, you might be right"

Or just listen... nod along... and then say nothing!

The old trick, when they are little is to answer their question with a question. Make them answer your questions. Don't let them turn the tables. Ignore their questions and keep asking questions. 


I will tell you this... as long as you are arguing... you're losing.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

duplicate post.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Actually it really just takes one to argue...we rarely get into a back n forth with him unless trying to prove a point. I should say, rather than argue, he CHALLENGES everything. Every little thing. It's just hard to have a conversation when someone challenges your every little word. And no, I don't call him stupid to his face lol...what kind of a jerk do you think I am? 

I can't control that I might think certain things. So yeah, personally I feel like the kid is severely lacking in the common sense department. But I can definitely control how I act on them. He gets nothing but praise and encouragement from me. Although sometimes its hard..."Wow Jeffrey...you did good only flooding half the bathroom today when you flushed two rolls of toilet paper instead of the whole bathroom! Good job!!!!"

No I don't say snarky sarcastic things to him either lol....just saying, that's what it feels like. And the arguing just makes it worse. And I know he's probably lonely because no one wants to talk to him, but what can I do when I've made it clear we don't want to have debates and arguments with him about every little tiny thing?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Just don't engage. If he starts challenging/arguing, walk away. It's not up for discussion.

If the behavior continues, execute disciplinary action. My kids were allowed to express their opinion on things but if they were disrespectful or argued, then they could spend time in their rooms or lose privileges.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> Actually it really just takes one to argue...we rarely get into a back n forth with him unless trying to prove a point. I should say, rather than argue, he CHALLENGES everything. Every little thing. It's just hard to have a conversation when someone challenges your every little word. And no, I don't call him stupid to his face lol...what kind of a jerk do you think I am?
> 
> I can't control that I might think certain things. So yeah, personally I feel like the kid is severely lacking in the common sense department. But I can definitely control how I act on them. He gets nothing but praise and encouragement from me. Although sometimes its hard..."Wow Jeffrey...you did good only flooding half the bathroom today when you flushed two rolls of toilet paper instead of the whole bathroom! Good job!!!!"
> 
> No I don't say snarky sarcastic things to him either lol....just saying, that's what it feels like. And the arguing just makes it worse. And I know he's probably lonely because no one wants to talk to him, but what can I do when I've made it clear we don't want to have debates and arguments with him about every little tiny thing?


How old is he?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How old are you? and what is your relationship to the child?


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## blankman92 (Dec 5, 2012)

i have the same issue with my 14 year old step daughter. she loves to argue!!! very annoying. one thing i have done is repeat what it is she is argueing about. take the garbage example dont argue just repeat back what is said to you and let him figure out how silly he sounds. "so you wont take the garbage out because there is a sock in it?" then i repeat again what i asked for in the first place. when she hears how silly her arguement is she will not say it in front of me but i know when i walk away she thinks about it. if it doesnt get done and she wants to argue the second time i just tell her to give me her ipad until the garbage is taken care of. i have been doing this for about 3 months now she will not agrue with me and our relationship is better than it has ever been.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I am embarrassed to admit that I was like that growing up. I was extremely argumentative with my mother about EVERYTHING for NO REASON. Do you know why?

Because I hated and loathed my stepfather. He was controlling. He was rude. He was a hateful, narcissistic man. 

It was my way of controlling a situation that I had no power in. My mother married him and moved him in despite what my brother and I told her. 

Could he just be looking for a way to control his situation?


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

That makes sense. I'm his stepfather. Although I'm not a controlling, narcissistic bastard to him either. I suppose he might see me that way though, cuz I'm always making him brush his teeth, do his homework, eat his vegetables, go outside and play, etc....


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> That makes sense. I'm his stepfather. Although I'm not a controlling, narcissistic bastard to him either. I suppose he might see me that way though, cuz I'm always making him brush his teeth, do his homework, eat his vegetables, go outside and play, etc....


Sorry I wasn't saying you WERE. I should have made that clear! My bad.

My stepfather was awful and I don't think you are. But even if he had been a normal person, I think I would have rebelled a little bit. How old was he when you married his mother? I was about 9 when they started dating and 11 when she moved him in. We had been a unit (me, brother, and mom.) I couldn't understand why she wanted HIM. Weren't we enough? Could he be feeling the same way? That you are a usurper and invader?

I always look at it from the kid's point of view rather than the step-parent's because I can relate more to the child.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Honestly - this behavior makes me think he might have an autism spectrum disorder. I mean your descriptions about the type of arguments - that socks aren't garbage, that its not a nice day because of a single cloud, etc. Sometimes, autistic people as such have very rational thinking, and they interpret things very literally. 

Have you talked to his pediatrician about this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's his mom doing while you're doing all the parenting?


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> That makes sense. I'm his stepfather. Although I'm not a controlling, narcissistic bastard to him either. I suppose he might see me that way though, cuz I'm always making him brush his teeth, do his homework, eat his vegetables, go outside and play, etc....


You didn't mention how old he was but by what you have said, I'd assume he's either young or a young teenager. When my daughter was this age I went through a lot of that (couldn't help her with her math homework because her teacher told them they were only allowed to learn it HER way... right.)

I used a trick I used to teach in my customer service classes... when a person is angry, then you need to be business like. But first let them yell and blow off all of their steam until they stop talking. Then restate your position without any emotion. It might take two or three times for the kid to get the idea that for all of their ranting and raving they will not get anywhere.

The trick is to not feed their emotion when they are angry for no reason. We used to teach that if a customer (or kid) was upset, then we should nurture. If they are in a happy, joking mood, then we should respond in that same way. But if they are in a non-joking business manner or if they are upset or angry, then we must be totally business like and devoid of emotion. Let them spend their anger, BRIEFLY recap what they said WITHOUT commenting on the anger - just the facts. And then calmly repeat your instructions.

It does work! It takes some practice, but it does work! And maybe let mom do more of the parenting. It's always been my opinion that step-parents need to be more like camp counselors than disciplinarians. It's a tough spot to be in most of the time.

My daughter's bio-dad was never in her life (left me when I was 8 mos pregnant). Her step-father has always treated her like she was his own bio-kid but still he didn't listen to me when I told him that he couldn't come into her life at age 7 and be 'dad'. He had to be big buddy first. He didn't listen and he started reprimanding her for stuff and to this day (almost 20 years later) they're relationship is still fairly shaky. She loves him, but only moderately likes him.


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