# Do you have sex while "sick?"



## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I have a question for all of you. Do you, are you willing to, or do you want to have sex while you're not 100% well?
Specifically a cold that you've had for about a week and you're getting over it. You're still a little stuffy and coughing a bit. Maybe even a little tired still because maybe you don't sleep as well.

I ask this because unless I'm in my worst 3-4 days of a bad cold or flu, I'm up for just about anything, especially in the following week as symptoms are winding down after you're over it. I don't necessarily try myself for sex because I think she won't want to be kissing someone that's still getting over flu symptoms (I believe I'm unattractive,) but I'd never turn down the invitation to fool around without kissing.

By way of comparison, my wife won't entertain any kind of fooling around unless she's at 100%. This means potentially two weeks of nothing and it's especially bad when it overlaps with a menstrual period which is essentially another 6 days she's unwilling to do anything, and God forbid she gets another cold after that. Also we generally only have sex on weekends, so if you miss one weekend, it's pretty usually wait for the next (not always.)

The issue is compounded by the fact that she insists on having drinks before sex to loosen up, and drinking while sick is a bad idea (you just feel crappier, especially the next day.) This is also part of the reason it's usually only a weekend.

When we're both well and things are fine, we have a regular thing about once a week, sometimes more. When we're in a rhythm there is almost no effort. We flirt and it's on. But then mix in a cold or two and maybe a period and things cool off for weeks. Then it feels almost like a big production, almost pulling teeth to get her to be interested.


So that's why I put the question out there. How do other married couples handle it? Are you having sex more frequently so that during periods of illness, it's fine. Do you have ways you remain sexually active during these times? Do you do less things like quickies or to make it short? Do you just not have problems with these cool-off periods. While sick, do you ever discuss when you will be interested again?

Specifically:
My situation as it is today. She got a cold on Sunday and has had it all week. Last night she was still sniffling and little cough, but I could tell she wasn't feeling too bad. She also had a slipped disc all week which is uncomfortable and painful and finally got it put back in place by the chiropractor today. She texted that she's sore but feeling a lot better and just needs to lay on the heat. I said "A glass of wine, some heat, and a massage might help." She responded, "Still sick, boo." She knows the wine and massage is my way of inviting her to have fun.

In my mind, I'm thinking she's finally feeling a lot better for a chance and a massage and few minutes of fun would be nice if I were her. It seems like she's thinking "I feel like crap and want to have nothing to do sexually right now."
This morning I said, "how are you feeling?" and she was evasive with her answer. I can't tell if it was because she was searching to see if my question had an ulterior motive, or if I was just asking her how she feels. Her evasiveness sounded to me like she didn't want to admit she was feeling good because that would mean she doesn't have an excuse.

Objectively I feel like an entitled selfish a-hole, on the other hand I'm now in a bad mood because it sounds like an excuse to avoid having sex. So now I'm trying to decide what to do.

I believe it's all in my mind. I'm rarely feeling "insecure" about my feelings but this is one of those rare times I am feeling that way.

1) Do I leave it alone and just be comforting and nurturing to her? Yay, good husband, but now I feel like a chump.
2) Do I try to give her a massage and not touch her sexually? That would be nice thing to do.
3) Do I try to give her a massage and if she responds, try touching her sexually and turning her on? This may annoy her.
4) Ask her? "Maybe not tonight, but you think you might be up for it in a few days?" Maybe open up the dialog to asking her how she feels taking a genuine interest and lettering her know that when she's feeling better that I'm excited to be with her? She's seems evasive during theses conversations because she doesn't want to have to commit to anything, and that bugs me.

Please, set me straight and tell me I'm full of **** and to leave her alone because she's sick and doesn't want to be touched. Or tell me this is an excuse and I should open up dialog with her.

Going back to the original question. Sex during sickness, near sickness, or nothing at all. Tell me we're not the only married couple that goes without for stretches because of colds. That when it's good it's good, but when it's not, it's not. I remember when I was younger and we were dating, it seemed like girlfriends had no problem wanting to have sex despite how sick ether of us was. But we've been together almost 20 years and in our late 40s.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I will go ahead and say that unless I have a high fever or M puking, I am usually up for

That said, I can pretty much guarantee that going to your wife and telling her that a bunch of people on the Internet would have sex when they were sick is not going to change her. She is who she is. You get to decide if you can live with it.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

I think it depends on the person. Your wife is obviously tired and doesn’t feel good... a massage would be a nice gesture but in my house massages always lead to sex lol. Personally when sick, I’m still game, it’s a nice immune boost. I think your best bet is to go with number 4. Maybe even just letting her know that you desire her and and are looking forward to her feeling better and give her a little bit of time to get back to herself.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> I will go ahead and say that unless I have a high fever or M puking, I am usually up for
> 
> That said, I can pretty much guarantee that going to your wife and telling her that a bunch of people on the Internet would have sex when they were sick is not going to change her. She is who she is. You get to decide if you can live with it.


Well, you're a man and I wager it's different for us. So many women on here talk about how perfect things need to be before they can think about being aroused makes me think that maybe a woman not feeling well isn't going to have any interest in sacking up to make their man happy.

And what I'm trying to do is reconcile if this is a lame excuse, or if I'm an selfish a-hole for thinking it's an excuse and I should be more sympathetic. I don't know why I'm worked up over it. She isn't feeling well, then why do I give a second thought to it. I'm stuck between pushing it to see where it leads, or just being normal and waiting until she's feeling better. She says she doesn't feel well, but I think she feels fine with just a little bit of sniffles and cough on occasion, so why say "I'm still sick?"

But like I said, it seems to become an obstacle too often and for way too long, and that frustrates me. But I don't know if other couples have the same problem.

People talk about frequency of sex in their relationship. Once a week, twice a week, three times a week. I wonder if that's just idea, or of that's an average with stretches of health issues for a couple of weeks at a time on a semi-regular basis.

I'm just glad she doesn't have a serious ongoing medical issue or disease. I can imagine that once that happens, it's a sexless marriage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

JamesTKirk said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I will go ahead and say that unless I have a high fever or M puking, I am usually up for
> ...


 Actually, I am a woman. But I am not at all offended. In fact I think it's one of the most fabulous things ever that you think I am a man commiserating with you as a man. And I am not knocking you at all

I was in a sexless marriage with a husband who had to have every planet aligned in order to be receptive to sex. The kind of guy who would immediately comment on being tired and stressed and having a hurting toe if I came in from work smiling. So I feel your pain.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

JamesTKirk said:


> I have a question for all of you. Do you, are you willing to, or do you want to have sex while you're not 100% well?
> Specifically a cold that you've had for about a week and you're getting over it. You're still a little stuffy and coughing a bit. Maybe even a little tired still because maybe you don't sleep as well.
> 
> I ask this because unless I'm in my worst 3-4 days of a bad cold or flu, I'm up for just about anything, especially in the following week as symptoms are winding down after you're over it. I don't necessarily try myself for sex because I think she won't want to be kissing someone that's still getting over flu symptoms (I believe I'm unattractive,) but I'd never turn down the invitation to fool around without kissing.
> ...


Funny this came up because I talked to my husband on the phone on the way home from a job today while he was on the way TO his job. I noticed his voice sounded different and I asked him if was coming down with a cold and he said yes, he thought so.

Top this with the fact that three weeks ago, he fell at his job and cracked a rib and hit his head and we've spent the past three weeks dealing with doctors and labs and imaging, etc. 

We did have sex a couple of times about two weeks into his healing from the job fall but I was very nervous and careful, wanting a discussion before we even got into it about what he felt like he could and couldn't do. He said he was good and we did have sex and it went just great.

But, now, the cold.

To me (we are in our 60s), if one of us has a cold at this point, I really, really don't want to pass anything back and forth. If he has one, it will be about a week for him to clear it up. If we both get it and pass it along, it's going to be longer - plus, well, that both of us getting sick.

I consider it a courtesy not to get him sick or vice versa. It feels like common sense and a respect thing. If we were younger, we might be able to just brush it off. But these things get more nasty as we have gotten older.

I did not in any way press my husband for sex while he was healing from his injury. I left it TOTALLY up to him. Yes, I wanted sex while he was healing but I put that completely on the back burner since, to my logic, it is better for him to be feeling 100% than push it and have him re-injure himself and then it takes even longer for him to heal. So...better to go a few days longer or whatever is necessary than guess short and then add twice as much time to it.

I do like your idea of talking about it with your wife and letting her know that you are interested in having sex with her but you want to make sure she feels well enough to do so. This is what I did with my husband. I think it helps both people not feel like they are guessing or wondering and at the same time being supportive of how the other person is feeling. The whole point is to stay engaged.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I would imagine sex with a broken rib could be painful. Ouch!


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Actually, I am a woman. But I am not at all offended. In fact I think it's one of the most fabulous things ever that you think I am a man commiserating with you as a man. And I am not knocking you at all
> 
> I was in a sexless marriage with a husband who had to have every planet aligned in order to be receptive to sex. The kind of guy who would immediately comment on being tired and stressed and having a hurting toe if I came in from work smiling. So I feel your pain.


Sorry, the way you answered with such simplicity sounded more like a man's take on the situation. A man who has to have everything perfect doesn't sound like any man friend I know, but it's not like I sit around and talk about it with all of them. On the contrary, they either have happy easy sex lives, or they're trying to figure out how to convince their wives to make any effort to improve their intimacy or sex lives. Or they're divorced and advising me that marriage is hopeless (LOL.)


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

happiness27 said:


> Funny this came up because I talked to my husband on the phone on the way home from a job today while he was on the way TO his job. I noticed his voice sounded different and I asked him if was coming down with a cold and he said yes, he thought so.
> 
> Top this with the fact that three weeks ago, he fell at his job and cracked a rib and hit his head and we've spent the past three weeks dealing with doctors and labs and imaging, etc.
> 
> ...


I get not passing a sickness. I totally get it and that's why we have been avoiding kissing on the lips. Instead I've been hugging her and kissing her on the neck (and I know she likes that.) I've also been just trying to cuddle with her more.

I'm totally fine fooling around, especially in the context of a massage that turns sexual, without any kind of kissing which (I think) is the way we usually pass sickness to each other especially in the bad 3-4 day contagious phase of a virus. This (seems) post-cold still-getting-over-it symptoms.

Two things. You say you didn't press him for sex. But did you make any kind of invitation and did he turn it down? Did he turn it down and apologize? Or did you just not mention it?

If she situation was reversed and she make some kind of suggestion for sex and I was not up for it, I'd have at least said, "I'm sick I don't feel up to that. I'm sorry, maybe a few days." Instead I got "I'm sick, boo" as if she was willfully misinterpreting my invitation to avoid outright rejecting. And rejecting me is fine if she just said "Sorry, not feeling well. Maybe THAT's what bothers me, that she doesn't seem to care? Maybe she thinks I should care or have asked? I don't know.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I would imagine sex with a broken rib could be painful. Ouch!


Right?

So, in my head I'm shutting down my girl juices for some 6-8 week duration and two weeks into it, he's getting all in and I'm, like, "Dude, how are you picturing this going?" and he's, like, "Well, if I do something that hurts, I'll either stop or do something different. And I'm, like: :surprise:

Anyway, it worked and he's feeling better now, here at week 4 so the injury was less severe than originally thought.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

JamesTKirk said:


> I get not passing a sickness. I totally get it and that's why we have been avoiding kissing on the lips. Instead I've been hugging her and kissing her on the neck (and I know she likes that.) I've also been just trying to cuddle with her more.
> 
> I'm totally fine fooling around, especially in the context of a massage that turns sexual, without any kind of kissing which (I think) is the way we usually pass sickness to each other especially in the bad 3-4 day contagious phase of a virus. This (seems) post-cold still-getting-over-it symptoms.
> 
> ...


The first week he was obviously in pain and there were a lot of doctor visits and he was not allowed to drive so sex wasn't on our minds. But, oh, heck, yeah, we talked about it after the first week and he was starting to get itchy to drive again - I'm the bigger communicator so I brought sex up to him as a part of all the other conversations we were having (because sex is a part of our married life) "Hey, let me know when you are up for sex because I am not going to initiate anything unless you tell me." And he said he would - I think he always appreciates what I do to take care of him and inquire after his well-being really often. I pretty much fuss over him in just about every way every day. That might be my love language - "Got your hat/gloves?" "Watch out for the crazies on the way to work." "What'd the doctor say?" "When your appointment for (fill in the blank)?" 

Idk, man, I came from a family where you said what's on your dang mind. I literally have had to spend a lot of my adult life building a filter so I didn't over communicate. My husband is an under communicator and I know that about him - so I put up with that and he puts up with my bluntness. I take my chances and say what's on my mind.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

JamesTKirk said:


> ......... Instead I got "I'm sick, boo" as if she was willfully misinterpreting my invitation to avoid outright rejecting. And rejecting me is fine if she just said "Sorry, not feeling well. Maybe THAT's what bothers me, that she doesn't seem to care? Maybe she thinks I should care or have asked? I don't know.


You suggest--as usual with massage and wine. She responds, "I'm sick, boo." To me this is clear, not misinterpretation. You are EAGER. She is not feeling it. I think #1 would win you more points. 

To me, you are overthinking--too much dialogue/explaining. I'm feeling baddish for you. Get her some Vitamin C and chicken soup.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

sunsetmist said:


> You suggest--as usual with massage and wine. She responds, "I'm sick, boo." To me this is clear, not misinterpretation. You are EAGER. She is not feeling it. I think #1 would win you more points.
> 
> To me, you are overthinking--too much dialogue/explaining. I'm feeling baddish for you. Get her some Vitamin C and chicken soup.


What kills me is the lack of communication or engagement. I would be sympathetic and explain when turning down my spouse. "Still sick, boo!" is as about as few rods as you can use to and does nothing to communicate. 

She just asked when I was working this weekend over text when was working this weekend. I said "Saturday night and and all day Sunday, this is why I was asking if you wanted a glass of wine tonight because I don't have to get up Saturday. But if you're not feeling well, I understand." I've received several texts from her but she didn't even acknowledge that. I don't understand what's going on here. Is it so hard to say, "yeah, sorry, I'm just not up for it. maybe in a few days?"

Edit, a good fifteen minutes later I just go "I'm a maybe." I guess that's better than a "no" or no response. This woman is not a good communicator. She seems to believe in more mind reading than talking.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

JamesTKirk said:


> What kills me is the lack of communication or engagement. I would be sympathetic and explain when turning down my spouse. "Still sick, boo!" is as about as few rods as you can use to and does nothing to communicate.
> 
> She just asked when I was working this weekend over text when was working this weekend. I said "Saturday night and and all day Sunday, this is why I was asking if you wanted a glass of wine tonight because I don't have to get up Saturday. But if you're not feeling well, I understand." I've received several texts from her but she didn't even acknowledge that. I don't understand what's going on here. Is it so hard to say, "yeah, sorry, I'm just not up for it. maybe in a few days?"
> 
> Edit, a good fifteen minutes later I just go "I'm a maybe." I guess that's better than a "no" or no response. This woman is not a good communicator. She seems to believe in more mind reading than talking.


Takes at least two to communicate. Hard to listen wisely to what you do not want to hear.  Silence is a way of communicating too.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

happiness27 said:


> Idk, man, I came from a family where you said what's on your dang mind. I literally have had to spend a lot of my adult life building a filter so I didn't over communicate. My husband is an under communicator and I know that about him - so I put up with that and he puts up with my bluntness. I take my chances and say what's on my mind.


The opposite here. I'm direct and get evasive answers. Any question I ask is met with another question or a non-conclusive or indecisive answer. She comes from the "man should be able to read women's mind" school of thought. So when she doesn't get what she wants or is misunderstood, she's confused or frustrated because she lacks the ability to speak or make decisions (or at least communicate them.)

But you're right, just say what's on your damn mind works. I guess it's time to sack up and start being more direct. Put her on the spot and if I don't like her answers, then push for clarification. She needs to know how I feel, but I don't want to sound like a demanding selfish husband that just wants sex without considering her feelings and it's not just about sex, it's about her attitude toward it. I also don't necessarily want to provoke a fight or argument,

So I was more direct with her with a follow up response which I wouldn't have sent (would have saved it for in person) except she texted me about my work schedule this weekend and it was a good opportunity for me to clarify my invitation for tonight. At least I got a "maybe response." Maybe is better than no or nothing at all. I can just tell that she doesn't want to talk about it and I wish she would just communicate for change.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Everyone is different on this and nobody is right or wrong.

My wife used to joke that I'd be pushing to have sex if I was drawing my last breath in hospice. 

On the other hand, it doesn't take much to deter her... unless she's feeling at or close to 100%, she's not going to want to play.

I've always respected that we are different in that way, and she me as well. My drive actually seems to go up a notch when I'm under the weather (which happens very rarely). Maybe it's because I'm stuck in bed and can't really do anything else. In fact, on the rare occasion I have a cold, kissing is understandably off limits, but she's quite happy to provide other services at that time. Talk about sexual healing!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I had a 102 degree fever for a weekend and my friend had quasi consensual sex with me. She wants to claim I conceited but I was having hallucinations which kinda made it interesting for both of us.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Here is what I would do...instead of trying to see if her maybe has turned to a yes, offer her wine and then initiate a serious talk.

I’m sorry, as you know it will be like pulling teeth. But you’ve got to push past the communication problem. Just pull the damn teeth all the way out and insist she have an adult conversation with you. If she keeps deflecting or whatever, be patient and kind but firm that you need more adult communication in your sex life. 

If she simply can’t express herself, tell her she needs to write things down and sort out her own head until she can have adult communication with you. There would be a deadline of only a few days before you need to have another talk about any progress she’s having, or she can instead give you something in writing to discuss.

You have to stand your ground and be willing to push against her resistance, but also be kind, balanced, loving, and don’t lose your temper.

For that reason, you should masturbate shortly before the discussion. So that your mind is not on sex it is on communication.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

We used to make love early in the marriage even when we were sick. Kissing with a stuffy/runny nose or making love with a fever were actually not very fun for me. 

Mr. Araucaria says that orgasms feel different when he is sick...not as good. I don't know if he is happy to give them up because of a cold that isn't wiping him out.

When we began having children we stopped having sick sex....er....sex while sick.

The issue of spreading sickness is a big issue when you have a baby and/or a large family. If the two of us (parents) were sick, there was a higher chance of one of the children getting sick too...then several children getting sick. A child spontaneously vomiting in the living room, or having a high fever are not fun things to deal with for the child or the parent. Having this go on for weeks, because they are passing illness to each other is exhausting especially if both of us have also been or are sick.

Once we (husband and I) are clearly past the contagious time and feel reasonably well, we are intimate again. We don't have to wait until all the symptoms are 100% gone.

But it really depends on how you and your wife feel. If she doesn't like it while sick or on her cycle, then you need to respect her....and bring her a warm cup of tea or coffee. If she never likes it, then you need to have a serious talk about it and make some decisions.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

As a couple, it takes a lot to keep us out of the bedroom. With her fractured shoulder, we had this crazy pillow arrangement for support and still laugh about the picture I took of it. Another time, I had a broken rib and 3 fractured vertebrae with head trauma which led to a lot of doggie style on the edge of the bed. The flu is the one thing that takes us out of commission. Everyone is different though.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm getting to be in my 60s in a few months and sad to say, will agree to the side of caution. A lot of caution.

Having said that, routine "sniffles" and "migraines" were common excuses back then.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If my husband is unwell or over tired I wouldn't suggest sex. He is the same if I am unwell/over tired. 
Is she has had a cold all week and a slipped disc as well, I can fully understand why she doesn't feel like having sex right now. In fact I would think she is pretty miffed that you suggested it only the day after it has been put back.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

@JamesTKirk
I enjoy sex when recovering from a mild cold, like another poster mentioned I've found it gives the immune system a nice boost. Combine that with some necessary R&R, my mind isn't dealing with a million other things...win/win. 

I'd go with option #4 with a slight modification. Based on your post in the "fooling around" thread (loved your insight there btw) _your_ wife may repsond positively to a dry-spell with a playful confident approach, which you seem to grasp as being arousing for her, versus your "asking". 
You mentioned she likes mild respectful dominance in the bedroom. So use that tactic here, no pressure...the massage, glass of wine, and/or light-hearted comments about her immune system needing a boost, or how she'll _really_ need to make-up for this sexual desert (dominance) _or whatever_. I'm certainly NOT saying that she truly needs to redeem herself for being sick. It's just a playful statement that would work for me, and your wife sounds similar. I like humor and I love a challenge >
Sure, have a frank and open conversation with her, but nothing to lose by employing a bit of humor to start right? You have an idea regarding the dialogue which works for your wife, unfortunately my creative sexual comments section is running a bit slowly due this darn cold...


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I pretty much know when my wife is sick, has a migraine or on her period it’s not gonna happen so I don’t even bring it up. Unless I have the flu or am recovering from surgery I’m usually GTG. Just a boundary I respect. Has she come on to me while sick? Yes but it’s the rare exception.

I’m a pilot by trade which means a cold and chest congestion is an even bigger deal. So I don’t necessarily wanna catch what she has. I’ve had back issues in the past as well so she probably doesn’t wanna reinjure it. Give her another day or two. My wife will usually tell me when she feels much better.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My motto is at the first sign of a cold **** Zicam, just ****.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well...I must admit that I don't do well with being sick. Honestly I thought most men also don't. The stereo type has to come from somewhere. A common cold for me might as well be ebola. I suppose its a good thing I am rarely sick.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> A common cold for me might as well be ebola.


Spewed my coffee. lol


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

I had sex with my girlfriend while I unknowingly had strep throat. Throat was only mildly irritated at the time and I had no other symptoms, so I didn't think that's what it was.

Come to find out, the bacteria that causes strep throat can infect any mucus membrane in the body. I gave my girlfriend oral sex, and a couple days later she got "strep crotch".

She was super understanding about it, and I was very grateful. But can you imagine the guilt I had about that?

So be careful while having sex while sick. It can sometimes have unintended consequences.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm a very sexual person with a very high libido......but I can't fathom even wanting to have sex with a sick person and definitely can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me when I'm sick. 

If I just had the sniffles and my wife wanted some loving, I would give her lovins to the best of my ability - but again, I can't picture her wanting to be with me in that situation. 

This whole thread is striking me weird. Why would you even want to get down with a sick person? :-O


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I'm a very sexual person with a very high libido......but I can't fathom even wanting to have sex with a sick person and definitely can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me when I'm sick.
> 
> If I just had the sniffles and my wife wanted some loving, I would give her lovins to the best of my ability - but again, I can't picture her wanting to be with me in that situation.
> 
> This whole thread is striking me weird. Why would you even want to get down with a sick person? :-O


... because in OPs case, the cold was already a week old and his wife was feeling much better. She won't have sex with him unless she is 100%, and often they go weeks without sex, per her. I can understand him wanting some information about other people. Maybe to him he suspects she uses the "sick" still as a bit of welcome excuse (for her to use) because she's not really into a frequent sex life with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> ... because in OPs case, the cold was already a week old and his wife was feeling much better. She won't have sex with him unless she is 100%, and often they go weeks without sex, per her. I can understand him wanting some information about other people. Maybe to him he suspects she uses the "sick" still as a bit of welcome excuse (for her to use) because she's not really into a frequent sex life with him.


OK, O get that. But there is sick and there is not sick.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

About the only thing that usually stops us is severe nausea. Acute lyme disease, serious back injuries, cancer, etc. - no problem! A little cold? Not going to stop us, except maybe on the worst day or so, _if_ the meds don't work.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Strep crotch?!? Oh goodness. Thanks for the warning! 



musicftw07 said:


> I had sex with my girlfriend while I unknowingly had strep throat. Throat was only mildly irritated at the time and I had no other symptoms, so I didn't think that's what it was.
> 
> Come to find out, the bacteria that causes strep throat can infect any mucus membrane in the body. I gave my girlfriend oral sex, and a couple days later she got "strep crotch".
> 
> ...


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

We typically don't have sex if one of us is not feeling well. I do need to feel ' more well' than he does to be in the mood but he has turned me down when not feeling well. If one of us is physically hurt/sore it won't happen until feeling at least a bit better. If her back just got fixed that day, after several days of being in pain, and she is still sore then I can understand not wanting to engage right away. No longer an issue but when I was "closed for business" I felt so physically crappy that sex held zero appeal. 

There are certain things my husband says that mean " I want sex now" and can make me resentful that they only happen when he wants sex. Just something to keep in mind. 

Bigger issue: needing alcohol to want sex which leads to sex once a week and only on weekends. I'd go with #4 for now but the larger issue needs to be addressed soon.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

OK, so I have an update. When I got home Friday I felt like a dumbass for posting this thread, questioning her, and everything else. Going back to the original text I sent her I was inaccurate in my earlier post. I had said "I would say a glass of wine, heat, and a backrub tonight would be nice. But you're sick."

First, I'm an idiot. The first statement doesn't leave anything up to interpretation because wine and massage on Friday night is almost routine and to her clearly means sex. "But your sick" could mean "We could have sex, but you should focus on feeling better" or "I want to have sex with you, but your sick and unattractive so I don't want you." Or some version of either of those, but they're all negative and leading. It would have been better to say "If you're up for it  " or something like that which would have at least been inviting or enticing. There is no wonder why she said "Boo, still sick" which I took as her getting out of it when she could have easily mean "I'd like to, but since you think I'm too sick, then boo for me."

I set myself up. I'm going to reflect on this and choose my words more carefully. I believe positive words and thinking get positive results. Negative words and thinking get you negative results. Also, there is a lot to be misinterpreted if you're not careful.

In a follow up clarification that I work Sunday morning but not Saturday morning so Friday night is a better night for wine, she responded "I'm a maybe." And by the time I got home she was feeling good, happy to see me, her demeanor was positive, and without question she said and wanted to go straight to the good wine (after the kid's in bed) instead of try a new one and was looking forward to her backrub. She was looking forward to it. So I gave her an hour of back massaging to help with the back soreness and eventually the sexy massage ... and we had a great time. I should also add that all of my psychotic worrying went away the instant I got home and saw her. I managed to get myself worked up over nothing.

Sorry for conflating the two subjects in this thread. I really did want to specifically discuss how couple handle periods of illness. One can obviously hold out for a cold to run its course, but what do you do when they seem to be back to back and mix in a menstrual cycle? It can be weeks or a month. At what point do you decide it has been too long and just sack up and get together because you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel (yet). Or do you? I was just curious what people said about it. Apparently the answer (as expected) depends on a lot and depends on the person.

But I brought in my own scenario which wasn't even about health. It was really about my ineffective communication, negativity, and inability to just say that I wanted to be intimate instead of beating around the bush. I guess I was afraid she would still feel sick so I felt bad asking her to, and I don't know why. I could have easily communicated that I'd like to be intimate with her if she was up for it, but still been polite and supportive in case she didn't feel well. At the very least I might have gotten a rain-check. Sometimes certain things trigger a worry in me that we've suddenly slipped to where we were a few years ago when there was a rough patch. That isn't going to happen overnight and I know it's in my power to recover and help steer thing back if they stray off course.

So thank you for all of the responses about the topic of sex during periods of imperfect health. I appreciate the different perspectives.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

JamesTKirk said:


> Well, you're a man and I wager it's different for us. So many women on here talk about how perfect things need to be before they can think about being aroused makes me think that maybe a woman not feeling well isn't going to have any interest in sacking up to make their man happy.
> 
> And what I'm trying to do is reconcile if this is a lame excuse, or if I'm an selfish a-hole for thinking it's an excuse and I should be more sympathetic. I don't know why I'm worked up over it. She isn't feeling well, then why do I give a second thought to it. I'm stuck between pushing it to see where it leads, or just being normal and waiting until she's feeling better. She says she doesn't feel well, but I think she feels fine with just a little bit of sniffles and cough on occasion, so why say "I'm still sick?"
> 
> ...


Well, sex is a lower priority for her than it is for you and, while she enjoys sex when she has it, missing a week or two or three or so can actually not be a big problem and may even seem like a relief (one less thing she has to do).

The problem is, that she should be making a bit of an extra effort to make sure that you're happy and satisfied.

Instead of thinking, it's been a while since we had sex, my period may be coming up and, although I've been sick, I feel pretty good, so why not, she's trying to forestall you from asking.

That isn't a sign that she prioritizes your happiness.

It's also a lot better than others here.

I guess I'd say something like "Honey, I know that you're not 100% up to speed but you're surely aware of the fact that it's been a while since we've had sex, that sex is very important to me and our marriage. But it seems pretty obvious that rather than looking for a way to have sex, you're looking for ways to avoid it and that makes me feel like my happiness isn't much of a priority for you. I'm not trying to "talk" you into anything you don't want to do or which you would find unpleasant, but I just thought it was important for you to know how I feel about it".


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Sounds like you worked things out and you're a person who has a lot of insight.

My husband had a work accident that put him out of commission for a couple of weeks...then, this weekend got a sinus infection for which he just got antibiotics today. He's going to have to be on the antibiotics for at least several days before he's not contagious anymore. So its been a very sparse month for us. 

Neither of us would be the type to not be understanding of this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The worst thing in the world is a summer cold ~ the second worst thing is having sex when you're not really feeling like it!

Even if someone who is sick remotely felt like it, I just don't think any self-respecting woman or man would acquiesce to having sex with a "sickster!" *


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *The worst thing in the world is a summer cold ~ the second worst thing is having sex when you're not really feeling like it!
> 
> Even if someone who is sick remotely felt like it, I just don't think any self-respecting woman or man would acquiesce to having sex with a "sickster!" *


There was that one time when I was running a high fever.

To the point where my wife still talks about enjoying the fact, that my penis literally felt hot inside her.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Personal said:


> There was that one time when I was running a high fever.
> 
> To the point where my wife still talks about enjoying the fact, that my penis literally felt hot inside her.



>


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> *There was that one time when I was running a high fever.
> 
> To the point where my wife still talks about enjoying the fact, that my penis literally felt hot inside her.*


*Now that's sick! But horny!*


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Now that's sick! But horny!*


I wouldn't recommend it and have no intention of doing that again, yet at the time.

P.S. My wife who is sitting next to me adds that it felt really intense and she would do it again, because it was pretty hot.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

JamesTKirk said:


> OK, so I have an update. When I got home Friday I felt like a dumbass for posting this thread, questioning her, and everything else. Going back to the original text I sent her I was inaccurate in my earlier post. I had said "I would say a glass of wine, heat, and a backrub tonight would be nice. But you're sick."
> 
> First, I'm an idiot. The first statement doesn't leave anything up to interpretation because wine and massage on Friday night is almost routine and to her clearly means sex. "But your sick" could mean "We could have sex, but you should focus on feeling better" or "I want to have sex with you, but your sick and unattractive so I don't want you." Or some version of either of those, but they're all negative and leading. It would have been better to say "If you're up for it  " or something like that which would have at least been inviting or enticing. There is no wonder why she said "Boo, still sick" which I took as her getting out of it when she could have easily mean "I'd like to, but since you think I'm too sick, then boo for me."
> 
> ...


So, you WERE just over-thinking it................

It's hard to avoid, especially when there's been a history.

It looks like she's trying and you've got to focus on trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. And..... keep having the courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I am usually up for anything, whether i am sick or not. My wife is the same way. That said, we both got slammed with a pretty nasty flu this year, at slightly different times. She got it first. On my worst morning, she came to me feeling horny. I turned her down because i was dead tired and feeling nauseated. She wasn't bothered by it because it is very unusual for me to turn her down, even when she knows i must feel like absolute crap.

Oddly enough, i completely recovered within three days. She is still coughing her brains out...


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

The way I understand it, sex helps the body to stay healthy. More sex more health. Also for men less sex increases the risk of prostate cancer, so it is better to keep our husbands in regular sex. When not well at all, No sex but when just coughing or just a little groggy, there is no real need to postpone a good seeing to with the husband. Also it is said that for most women (90% plus) sex cures headaches. 

But if you do not enjoy it and are constantly looking for a way out, then a sneeze today could provide you with a reason to stay away for a week. From what I understand, there are some people who genuinely do not like sex and only do it to stop complaints from their spouses.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> The way I understand it, sex helps the body to stay healthy. More sex more health. Also for men less sex increases the risk of prostate cancer, so it is better to keep our husbands in regular sex. When not well at all, No sex but when just coughing or just a little groggy, there is no real need to postpone a good seeing to with the husband. Also it is said that for most women (90% plus) sex cures headaches.
> 
> But if you do not enjoy it and are constantly looking for a way out, then a sneeze today could provide you with a reason to stay away for a week. From what I understand, there are some people who genuinely do not like sex and only do it to stop complaints from their spouses.


Nailed it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> The way I understand it, sex helps the body to stay healthy. More sex more health. Also for men less sex increases the risk of prostate cancer, so it is better to keep our husbands in regular sex. When not well at all, No sex but when just coughing or just a little groggy, there is no real need to postpone a good seeing to with the husband. Also it is said that for most women (90% plus) sex cures headaches.
> 
> But if you do not enjoy it and are constantly looking for a way out, then a sneeze today could provide you with a reason to stay away for a week. From what I understand, there are some people who genuinely do not like sex and only do it to stop complaints from their spouses.


We both enjoy sex, but NOT when we are feeling unwell. We wouldn't even suggest it if one of us was feeling poorly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Can you offer a massage without expecting sex?

She may not have sex even if you give the massage.

Do you masterbate? That would help during the longer stretches in between sex.

But I get the feeling you think she gets sick to avoid sex with you - is that true?

And also, it's hard to imagine you're sympathetic and caretaking your wife when she is sick - looks like you're just worried that you're not getting what you want. Is that true?

What do you do to look after her when she is sick?


On another note - my exH and I had sex most days - when he got sick he wanted it more than that. Nothing got him down.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> Can you offer a massage without expecting sex?
> She may not have sex even if you give the massage.


Yes, absolutely. I massage her regularly without sex. And I'm pretty clear of my intentions when I ask if she wants wine and a massage vs just giving her a massage because her muscles ache from running or her back hurts from her back problems.


> Do you masterbate? That would help during the longer stretches in between sex.


I do sometimes, but try to as little as possible. I find it makes me want sex more often if I do. It also feels a little pathetic to have to masturbate when you're married except during exceptions (like traveling for two weeks away.)


> But I get the feeling you think she gets sick to avoid sex with you - is that true?


I don't' think anyone get sick to avoid sex. That sounds kind of ridiculous when you can just say no.. More like uses it as an excuse to get out of it sometimes. It's reasonable to not want sex when not feeling well, but sometimes it feels like she's playing up being sick to avoid it. But that's more of something that happened in the past for a different reason and I'm carrying that baggage forward. I realise that wasn't the case this time (or even lately.) Even more to the point, if I turn her down because I'm sick, I'd make it clear that I'm sorry, try to offer an alternative, or something like a rain-check hopefully soon because I care about how she feels and her needs. In the past it just felt like avoiding me with an excuse of not feeling well with no regard to how I feel. But again, that was something that happened in the recent past and I can't say that has really been an issue lately. To give her credit, she asked me if I was interested one night and I told her that I thought she was still on her period so I had not expectations of doing anything soon. She said that it was mostly over, still having it a bit, but didn't care (and usually she is very turned off by fooling around during her period.) That was an above and beyond effort on her part or her absent libido has returned.


> And also, it's hard to imagine you're sympathetic and caretaking your wife when she is sick - looks like you're just worried that you're not getting what you want. Is that true?


It's hard to imagine because I didn't talk you about being sympathetic and caretaking. Instead I want to know if people want to or do have sex while not well. I can see why it sounds that way, but that's not the case.


> What do you do to look after her when she is sick?


All that I can. Offer to take things off her plate like her portion of parental care, make her food (I usually do that anyway,) and whatever else she'd like. I also try to comfort her and make her feel better in any way I can.[/quote]


> On another note - my exH and I had sex most days - when he got sick he wanted it more than that. Nothing got him down.


Therein is the basis of what I was after with my post. I actually like sex despite being sick. Sometime (oddly) I even want it more. Of course I don't think I'm appealing so I don't try.
Back to what I asked before. Periods of illness, injury, and menstruation can drag out over a month. Do couples just not do anything or do they get to the point where it has been a while and find a way or an excuse to overcome the situation and have sex? I personally start to feel lonely and unwanted after maybe 10-14 days of no intimacy.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

We also had sex while I had my period. Showered together etc.


NOTHING stood in the way - it was a nice part of our union.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> And what I'm trying to do is reconcile if this is a lame excuse, or if I'm an selfish a-hole for thinking it's an excuse and I should be more sympathetic. I don't know why I'm worked up over it. She isn't feeling well, then why do I give a second thought to it. I'm stuck between pushing it to see where it leads, or just being normal and waiting until she's feeling better. She says she doesn't feel well, but I think she feels fine with just a little bit of sniffles and cough on occasion, so why say "I'm still sick?"


Because she's probably tired of you humping her damned leg all the time, that's why. :surprise:


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

JamesTKirk said:


> And what I'm trying to do is reconcile if this is a lame excuse, or if I'm an selfish a-hole for thinking it's an excuse and I should be more sympathetic. I don't know why I'm worked up over it. She isn't feeling well, then why do I give a second thought to it. I'm stuck between pushing it to see where it leads, or just being normal and waiting until she's feeling better. She says she doesn't feel well, but I think she feels fine with just a little bit of sniffles and cough on occasion, so why say "I'm still sick?"
> 
> But like I said, it seems to become an obstacle too often and for way too long, and that frustrates me. But I don't know if other couples have the same problem.
> 
> ...


Some times you just have to be a selfish ******* and own it . 

The way you describe it, it seems like maybe she is just making excuses. Think about this, are you just being gas lighted and this is really part of the long slide of disinterest in sex on her part. If so, have that discussion. Of course you don't want her feeling she has to be sexual when she is actually sick and maybe her idea of feeling poorly is wider than yours but you shouldn't be forced to repress things for a month at a time on a regular basis, that is BS and possibly intentional.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I agree... I think there are underlying issues at hand here. You even hinted at it.

[but sometimes it feels like she's playing up being sick to avoid it. ] Not a very honest approach to a loving and open relationship....Just sayin'

If you want to see the true feathers of this bird, you need to step back and avoid this situation all together. She is used to you approaching her. Give it a couple of weeks without approaching her. Stop feeding the fire. No back rubs, no doting on hand and foot. Nada! Don't discuss sex with her, and don't involve yourself with "romance" that is one sided. 

You will see if she is the "queen" here, and you are the lowly serf. Or she notices and concerns herself with your sudden behavior change and wants to be active in your romantic life. Some people are just good takers. And not very observant to the world around them.... You will see this and then be able to make a decision going forward.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

[I personally start to feel lonely and unwanted after maybe 10-14 days of no intimacy.]


Totally understandable! What does she say when you talk to her about that? Or do you talk to her.....


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Because she's probably tired of you humping her damned leg all the time, that's why. :surprise:


That's pretty funny. I wouldn't mind a little leg humping once in a while.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your wife actually sounds pretty good but the alcohol would start to bother me.

That isn't exactly a healthy sexuality and I would want it addressed for her benefit as well as our marital benefit.

She could maybe learn to loosen up a bit but she might not ever overcome.

Sorry I don't know but how old are you two?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does she give you a massage?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My wife had surgery to remove one lobe of her thyroid 13 days ago. Her neck is still bandaged, she is still off work and is sometimes taking pain killers for it.

Yet that hasn't stopped us from having sex, for the first time after the surgery three days ago. Which in that instance was only missionary and was to say the least very tentative in conduct.

This was then followed by her initiating with me last night, which ended up being a bit less tentative. With us kissing quite a lot, with missionary and spooning being used as positions for penetrative sex.

At my initiation, we then had sex this morning as well. Although the sex we are having is quite restrained compared to our usual ways, it has been nice for both of us.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I have had sex with sciatica, kidney infection, the odd heavy cold. I think I may be be more co-dependent than I realise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

peacem said:


> I have had sex with sciatica, kidney infection, the odd heavy cold. I think I may be be more co-dependent than I realise.


Your sciatica clearly wasn't that bad. My husband was in total agony with it.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Your sciatica clearly wasn't that bad. My husband was in total agony with it.


No not that bad. The co-codemol gave me a bit of a high. Thanks for asking x


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Your sciatica clearly wasn't that bad. My husband was in total agony with it.


I had sex with a burst appendix. Admittedly at the time I didn't realise it was a burst appendix, since I was fobbed off by the doctor who said it was probably a stomach bug.

So despite being in a great deal of terrible pain at the time, since it came and went in circa 5-10 minute waves. I found that I could tolerate the pain (without painkillers) since I felt relief between each wave.

As a consequence of that I not only had sex a few times while so afflicted. I also did a cool 5 day (Mon-Fri) Army Advanced Individual Close Quarter Battle Pistol Course (I passed & even shot the tightest group on the course), with the burst appendix. 

That said I ended up in hospital just after that course and spent around 6 weeks in hospital, before I got surgery since my insides had become such a terrible mess. In the end it took about 6 months afterwards, before I was able to again pass the Army Basic Fitness Assesment test.

As to having sex with a burst appendix, I encourage all to not do that if given the opportunity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> I had sex with a burst appendix. Admittedly at the time I didn't realise it was a burst appendix, since I was fobbed off by the doctor who said it was probably a stomach bug.
> 
> So despite being in a great deal of terrible pain at the time, since it came and went in circa 5-10 minute waves. I found that I could tolerate the pain (without painkillers) since I felt relief between each wave.
> 
> ...


Hahaha! That is a fantastic story! Thanks for sharing. 

Way to keep taking care of business.

You really can't keep a good man down!:wink2:


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha! That is a fantastic story! Thanks for sharing.
> 
> Way to keep taking care of business.
> 
> You really can't keep a good man down!:wink2:


I like to think it falls under being young and stupid. Except I was 30, so it was just being stupid.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

No, I wouldn't initiate sex with my wife if I were sick or contagious. If my nose we're running for example... I'm a horn dog but wouldn't expect my wife to be excited with me sniffling on top of her.

Headache or otherwise non-contagious, heck yeah!

If my wife came on to me and I was sick, heck yeah! I'll warn my wife if my throat is scratchy, etc. I would want her to know what she's gonna get.

But you know, life ain't perfect so you can't expect not to have some periods of "frustration". In these times, you need some good hobbies to keep yourself busy!


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