# Body Language



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

You know that scenario where you say one thing but your body is telling a different story? That's me.

Had a great talk with the H last night. I've become very much more aware of his emotions over the last month or so and have seen him really put up his defenses when I talk to him. So I asked him why he gets *so* defensive when I talk to him. I told him it's very frustrating to me because I feel like he's shutting me down before I can try to get anything out.

His response? "I feel like you're always upset with me."

Ooookay. So I ask, "What prompted you to feel that way?"

Him: "I don't know, I just feel like you're always judging me."

So I follow with, "Is it something I'm saying, something I'm doing, or is it something you're perceiving?"

He says, "It's your body language. You tell me everything is fine but your body language comes across as hostile."

So I know what he's talking about. I have a pretty impressive filter on my mouth and 99% of what I think never falls on his ears. And he should be grateful for that, too  But in all seriousness, I hold a lot in and it trickles out through my body language. 

The other day I was really frustrated and upset because I was having a rough day pain-wise. I've had chronic pain and fatigue issues for awhile(currently in the process of being diagnosed). I'd also been pms'ing. I was walking disaster. I drugged myself up though and we took our son to the park for a walk. Had a great time, but I still didn't feel great. Got home and H got a really bad headache. He laid down on the sofa right away because he really felt sick. 

At one point I was just looking at him for a minute thinking, "I hope he feels better soon, he's really not looking good." He saw me looking at him and snaps, "What? You have a problem with me laying down for awhile?"

Whoa. Not on my radar at all. Didn't see that one coming. I said, "I have no problem with you lying down, I was just thinking that I hope you feel better soon." He says, "Well, you look like you're pissed at me." Oh geez. I *was* having a tougher day than usual and didn't feel well, but I didn't realize my body language was portraying hostility. 

I could give 100 examples, literally, this thing happens so often. 

Does this happen with anyone else?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's the key to opening him up.

It's called "listening with your eyes"

I'm actually impressed he's able to do it with you.

You can actually almost ignore what someone is actually saying and comment on what you see.

"This really ties you up"

"This is upsetting to you"

"This is causing you pain"

It's called empathy.

Most women are pretty good at it - with each other


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

The topic of reading people has always been an interest of mine, primarily because people always joked that I was too good at it as a younger person. Later, it came to really help a secondary, unstellar writing career. 

Some men pick up on signals really well. In my opinion, women generally do (part of women's intuition), but largely only certain aspects of body language. For example, when I suggested to my wife that her sister was having an affair based on going out to dinner with her and her husband, my wife said those signals weren't there. A year later, when the affir was exposed, her husband was shocked, to say the least, because it had been going on for over a year.

When you're in pain, or there is some history of tension between you and your husband, your posture and movements will change. He must pick up on these. Maybe when your movements shorten, and the posture tenses, he associates that a certain way, like maybe fitness testing him. here, you were deliberately thinking supporting thoughts, but he was only focused on the things he had picked out from the past.

Six months ago, three of us in my team interviewed a guy whose job would be to manage relationships with clients. We wanted a level headed person, with analytical skills and technical background. This guy had the pain/irritation type body language, but was selling himself as calm. It was forced. My peers bought the sales job when they interviewed him. I started challenging him, suggesting that his resume didn't add up, even though it did. He became more intense, with short, jerky movements and tense "angry" posture. My peers overruled me, so now his boss deals with constant complaints from clients.

It might be interesting for you to begin throwing your guy off the trail. Try to use calming, affirming gestures when you talk to him for a while. Then don't. Mess with his mind.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm an interrogator and reading body language is crucial in our business. For everyone, though, at least 85% of what we "hear" we get not through words but through body language. People lie but body language rarely does. You told your husband "everything's fine" but he knew that was a lie because your words didn't match your body language. Very often, I have no idea why someone is lying or I may not know exactly what they're lying to me about but I can tell just from their body language that they're being deceptive. I've gotten hundreds of confessions in cases where I've had no physical or testimonial evidence, just because I pay attention to body language. When words don't match the heart it's pretty obvious to someone who is paying attention. This isn't mysterious. Animals have survived millions of years by communicating almost exclusively with body language.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

OMG yes!! I get this a lot!! In fact many people think I'm mad or pissed off it's part of my personality. Sometimes I'm just in serious thought or like in your example I'm just tired or not feeling well.

For me this has been totally fixable. My therapist suggested that I be more forthcoming about how I feel so my family doesn't have to guess. I can tell them, show them, something so they don't read my body language wrong.

So in your example of having a bad day of pain I would have worked to hug my husband, say words of endearment, tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, something then I'd say I'm not feeling so hot today and I just want you to know it has nothing to do with you.

Now on that filter you've got going on that won't do. I've gone that route and it fails miserably because they know your mad. Just because you've shut your mouth didn't make it disappear and you know it. What I'm doing on that is trying to either come to peace with it on my own, vent here first, or just nicely but directly tell my husband what he's done thats bothering me. Usually just coming out and saying it makes me feel better. Bottling it up does not.

But before I could do that I had to get my husband prepared to start listening to me without getting defensive, making excuses or whatever other crap he does that is annoying. That involved filling up his love bank kinda like what 10 positives for every negative?? Forget the actual number but you get the idea. Now I can tell him that he did A that bothered me and he'll actually apologize and mean it. I pick my battles though and I'm in counseling so I'm not as mad as I used to be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MGirl said:


> Does this happen with anyone else?


At our house, every single one of us, except maybe my husband & our 3rd son, can NOT hide how they are feeling, it JUST shows, ain't no questioning it. Happy, sad , angry, fuming, it is written all over our faces, expressions & out our mouths in how we speak. I think they all get this from me. I am so forthcoming about what is going on inside, all feelings on the sleeve. Thankfully for all (though my kids may not agree) I am generally in an upbeat mood. 

When I am not, my husband rarely takes it personally, he is good for making light of it -saying "Who pi**ed in your cornflakes" or telling me I need valium or something that makes me realize I have no reason to be so upset , he reminds me "Life is good", he is a great encourager in this respect. He's even jokingly sang this song to me >>>YouTube - ‪Don't Worry Be Happy Bobby Mc Ferrin [ smile ]‬‏ 
When I am upset, many times it is over "worrying" /fretting about something that MIGHT happen. Usually never does. I can work myself up just thinking negatively. 

If I am upset over a friend, or some health concern, or just having a BAD DAY - we all have them -best to just let your spouse know it is *NOT* him at all -but stuff - *clue them in, so they won't take it personally *-surely this will help them understand what is going on under the surface! And maybe he can help you cope, you can cope together. 

For instance I was fit to be tied the other day, 2 computers crashed within 2 days of each other, one sounded like a jet plane taking off when you turned it on - while we were moving rooms around for new carpet, my son lost his glasses, then our internet quit out of the blue -here a wire was messed up on the phone line after he moved it for the carpet installers. I called his work , not mad at him but fuming over all of THIS -could anything else go wrong!  He is always calm , walked me through how to fix the phone line -it worked! But I wasn't nice when I called, I was a roaring angry lion.  He could hear & FEEL my frustration. I let out a roar, then it all passes, and I am good when he gets home. 

MGirl, we all have bad days, we worry , we fret, we are not in the best of moods, even the happiest of people have their moments ! 

Communicating in such a way as to allow your husband to KNOW it is NOT about him - but clueing him in to what is really on your mind (when it IS something else) -I think this would he helpful to you & he. Slowly he will come to understand you better & what you are thinking, not taking everything so personally. Or it should work that way. 

Me & mine know each other SO well, we can literally guess what is on each others minds, we do this all the time.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Thank you for the replies! I have more to reply right now, but I'm headed out for a 4 day vacation with the H and won't have internet. I'll comment more when I get back on Tuesday  Have a lovely weekend!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MGirl said:


> Thank you for the replies! I have more to reply right now, but I'm headed out for a 4 day vacation with the H and won't have internet. I'll comment more when I get back on Tuesday  Have a lovely weekend!


Me too Mgirl, we are taking a little vacation too, getting back the same day as you, leaving all the kids at home! Oh yeah!  But I am taking my laptop, I think I would have withdrawl without it. He sleeps more than me, I need something to do at night. Enjoy!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

This is a very big pet peve of mine.

we are adults I don't take kindly to someone venting on me or my children if they had a bad day or if something don't go there way.thats just selfish and rude to take out your frustrations on the very people who love you and you love.
Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****


Yes, THIS is the way to BE. I would choose THIS over the spouse who "HOLDS" all his negative emotions in & doesn't want to share or trust me enough to open up so I can help or listen. Now THAT would drive me crazy, or someone who is so agreeable, you simply know it is fake - to appease you. 

I understand people have bad days, it is a part of living. 

This is strange, but My church used to be really BIG on this concept that "the words you utter out of your mouth will fullfill your destiny" (taking this literally-Charles Capps teachings)- and what that meant was -if anyone asked how you was - If you didnt answer "good" or "Praise God, I am happy today" , if you so much as admitted to a little pain or something upsetting you- it was like inviting a plague into your life, these things would come upon you. What that equalled to me was --people walking around FAKING their emotions to gain favors from God . You always knew who not to ask any questions too cause they were all "Praise God" answers. 

I remember once a group of women talking about their weight, one of my friends admitting struggling to loose the pounds, she was light hearted about it, humble & this other lady jumped in there forcefully saying "Dont claim that!" and went on to tell her this is why she can't loose weight because of the words she speaks out of her mouth. It was just the crazest thing. It troubled me a great deal. 

So on the one hand, we don't want people to misuse thier anger -taking it out on unsuspecting loved ones or even strangers, but on the other hand, I don't think we should fake how we are feeling either - especially if asked by a friend, denying the reality of our own emotions. This can not be healthy in any way. We may want to climb the spiritual ladder where we no longer feel sadness, pain , sickness or anger, but it will never fully be realized while we are human. 

I am someone who feels -just having someone to listen when we are having that BAD DAY, if you share in the right manner (sometimes I fail here)- this can be the BEST medicine you can give another person >> the gift of listening, acknowledging their pain & empathy.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> This is a very big pet peve of mine.
> 
> we are adults I don't take kindly to someone venting on me or my children if they had a bad day or if something don't go there way.thats just selfish and rude to take out your frustrations on the very people who love you and you love.
> Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****


That's just the thing. I don't vent on my husband or my son. I don't take my frustrations out on them. I do tell my H when I'm having a tough day. I always let him know ahead of time and tell him I'm sorry in advance if I come across as upset. He still takes it personally, though.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MGirl said:


> I always let him know ahead of time and tell him I'm sorry in advance if I come across as upset. He still takes it personally, though.


That has got to be tough, how about this MGirl : HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE -- Background Page


Amazon.com: The Highly Sensitive Person (9780553062182): Elaine N. Aron Ph.D.: Books

Amazon.com: The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You (9780767903363): Elaine Aron: Books


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MGirl said:


> That's just the thing. I don't vent on my husband or my son. I don't take my frustrations out on them. I do tell my H when I'm having a tough day. I always let him know ahead of time and tell him I'm sorry in advance if I come across as upset. He still takes it personally, though.


either he is just not mature enough to see the forest through the trees or you play the I had a bad day card too much.


how often do you have a bad day and what is the cause of the bad day.

If the cause is not your fault then oh well nothing you can do about it. calk it up to sh-t happens and try to have a better outlook . 

My mom always said no matter how bad your day went the sun is still going to rise tomarrow.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

My husband can read me like a book. It is for this reason that he hardly ever asks me what is wrong. He already knows.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> you play the I had a bad day card too much.


This was another big problem I had. Too many bad days. I now save them for the really really really bad days.

I tend to be moody so for me this is a huge accomplishment.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> This was another big problem I had. Too many bad days. I now save them for the really really really bad days.
> 
> I tend to be moody so for me this is a huge accomplishment.


Try a different aproach.........


say I had a horrible
day and am so glad to see you could I have a much needed hug from my solid as a rock husband.

any husband worth his weight would feel good about himself and should hug you to death. and then put your bad day behind you and be more cheerfull.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I have a pretty impressive filter on my mouth and 99% of what I think never falls on his ears. And he should be grateful for that, too  But in all seriousness, I hold a lot in and it trickles out through my body language.


I don't think that this is uncommon, although I am accused of the opposite - often having little expression or body language so others around me cannot tell what I may be feeling. I am very good at this filtering - many times purposefully so. I have a chronic, although treatable, illness where sometimes I just do not feel the greatest, but I don't want to take it out on every one else (especially my kids). I thereby "filter" both my words, my expressions, and my body language to project a calmer demeanor.

I think that if you have learned to filter your mouth, you can learn to filter your body language as well so that both of them are aligned and projecting what it is you want to. You just have to apply the same purposeful thought process.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> OMG yes!! I get this a lot!! In fact many people think I'm mad or pissed off it's part of my personality. Sometimes I'm just in serious thought or like in your example I'm just tired or not feeling well.
> 
> For me this has been totally fixable. My therapist suggested that I be more forthcoming about how I feel so my family doesn't have to guess. I can tell them, show them, something so they don't read my body language wrong.
> 
> ...


I get this from the wife all the time. She looks pissed off, isnt as chatty, etc. I ask her whats wrong and she says, "Nothing."

When body language is negative, but you say everything is fine you make us guys think that youir lying to us, that there is a lack of trust. I find it interesting that you were thinking positive thoughts, but your hubby picked up on negative body language.... Maybe the problem is the positivity doesnt leave your lips.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> I get this from the wife all the time. She looks pissed off, isnt as chatty, etc. I ask her whats wrong and she says, "Nothing."
> 
> When body language is negative, but you say everything is fine you make us guys think that youir lying to us, that there is a lack of trust. I find it interesting that you were thinking positive thoughts, but your hubby picked up on negative body language.... Maybe the problem is the positivity doesnt leave your lips.


The "nothing" is usually said for a lack of safety to speak. Often when one says nothing, it may because they know or fear an argument. Do you accept her feelings no matter what they are as just her feelings? Or do you feel attacked. 

There are cases where one says nothing, because they don't want to be viewed as a nag or complainer, so they let it go if it's not a biggie. 

Sometimes, I know myself, I have said nothing, because I am trying to decide if it's a big deal, let it go if it's not, and if it is a big deal, how best to approach it so he doesn't take it the wrong way. And then of course there are times that it just is not a good time to talk, so I will say nothing and find an appropriate time to discuss my feelings. 

Does that help with the nothing? 

As far as a spouse getting mad over the body language, hmm, that's a tough one. She has chronic pain and so do I. Chronic pain has it's own face that people not in chronic pain often don't recognize. Our society teaches us to say we are fine, even when we are not. And in the case of having positive thoughts and others perceiving negative from your body language, I personally have been in a perfectly fine mood and without me saying anything, had colleagues or loved ones say, "What's wrong with you?" So, yes, it is possible in this case to be positive and have others read you as negative when you are not at all. 

Sometimes when someone says, "nothing" you may have to trust them on that or at least have the patience to let them talk about it when they are ready. Just because someone has a thought or feeling, does not give you a right to demand an instant explanation.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Maybe the roblem is the positivity doesnt leave your lips.


This is basically what my therapist was saying. I'm a reserved, serious person. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. I can think you are the greatest person ever but you'd never know it by either my actions or by what I say. So you can't trust my body language it lies. I'm working on this though because I see that it does come across as a distrustful.

You'll laugh at this but my own kids have requested that I smile more. Evidently their friends think I hate them. :scratchhead:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Try a different aproach.........
> 
> say I had a horrible
> day and am so glad to see you could I have a much needed hug from my solid as a rock husband.
> ...


I like this and it's totally doable. For me to try to be cheerful 24/7 isn't natural. Its not that I have horrible days I'm just genetically serious and moody. I'm also highly introverted so sometimes I just need to withdraw emotionally to recharge. Has nothing to do with my husband but yes he does take it personally. 

The past couple of days I've felt this way but I knew I had to tread lightly with my husband to not undo everything I've worked so hard to achieve. I told him that I had a lot on my mind but that it wasn't him. I cuddled up to him and said I was so glad that he was home and that I needed him to yes be my rock. I let him in to my world and he seemed happy with that.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

candice912 said:


> The "nothing" is usually said for a lack of safety to speak. Often when one says nothing, it may because they know or fear an argument. Do you accept her feelings no matter what they are as just her feelings? Or do you feel attacked.
> 
> There are cases where one says nothing, because they don't want to be viewed as a nag or complainer, so they let it go if it's not a biggie.
> 
> ...



That actually helps me out a lot. Thanks for that.

I have a very neutral demeanor, I never get overly excited or stressed for anything and have had many people wonder why Im so pissy all the time. Its just my natural facial expression/ body language.... I think I might be pullling **** out of my ass by now... But my wife has chronic pain and I suppose that could be another reason.



candice912 said:


> Sometimes when someone says, "nothing" you may have to trust them on that or at least have the patience to let them talk about it when they are ready. Just because someone has a thought or feeling, does not give you a right to demand an instant explanation.



She is my wife, and if she is upset I want to do everything in my power to help... But if I understand you correctly, maybe the best thing to do is back off, and accept the, "nothing" answer as her way of saying she isnt ready to discuss it?? Am I close to the mark? 
Problem is I feel that if I dont push for the reason, and I dont push a lot, that she will feel as if I dont care enough to ask. The opposite sex is a slippery slope.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Trust me that women are not anymore a slippery slope than men are. I really don't think that it's a male vs. female issue, but an individual issue. Some things hold true, mostly from societ
al conditioning. (eg) When I was growing up, adults would say, "a young lady doesn't do that." and "boys don't cry", but deep down we are more alike than not. I think when we love someone, we are just too close to the issue, that our emotions blind us to what is logical and rational, and that's why this helps to get an unbiased opinion. 

As far as the "nothing". I don't use it all the time, but I am more inclined when my husband seems edgy or stressed. And yes, when my husband pushes as you say, I feel stressed, very stressed. So, backing off a little in your case might be good. Here is something you can say so she knows you care, but takes the pressure off: When she says the dreaded, "nothing", you can say, "Okay honey. If you need to talk, I'm here." 

Do you see how that let's her know you care without creating pressure and prying in her head? 


My husband has said, "Well you let me know when you are ready to talk" and that has worked for me too.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> She is my wife, and if she is upset I want to do everything in my power to help... But if I understand you correctly, maybe the best thing to do is back off, and accept the, "nothing" answer as her way of saying she isnt ready to discuss it?? Am I close to the mark?
> Problem is I feel that if I dont push for the reason, and I dont push a lot, that she will feel as if I dont care enough to ask. The opposite sex is a slippery slope.


I understand you think you are helping your wife. Are you sure you want to help or do you want to fix it for her? I ask, because there is a difference. Seriosly, what I already said is helping just letting her know you are there if she needs you. Then let her come to you. 

And yes, you understood me corectly.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Ooookay. So there's a lot more to this situation than meets the eye, apparently. I hesitate to even post this because I'm becoming terribly self-deprecating. But I need to vent. I hope my honesty doesn't get me stoned.

Here's the deal. I grew up in a home with a lot of criticism. My dad never physically touched my mom, but he could take her apart with words and it always killed me to watch it. I swore I would never be that person. Unfortunately, I kind of am.

I am critical of everything. I judge my husband's every move, I get irritated by him and I have this undying urge to attack him verbally when I get annoyed with him. But I don't. I close my mouth, smile and keep it inside because I have no desire to hurt him. I really do love him and I feel like I'm trying to protect him from my messed up personality. 

The problem? He can read my eyes. That's what he told me this weekend. I've been going along for 5 years now bottling up every negative emotion to keep from tearing him apart. He doesn't deserve to be treated with criticism and contempt and anger. Those are my problems, not his. But he's seen it all, apparently. He said it's all in my eyes. 

That really bothers me. I was so upset this weekend because I thought I'd protected him from myself all this time, come to find out he knew all along. And that hurts me. A lot. I never wanted this.

This weekend was a bit of a mess. I was so startled by what he told me I ended up letting my guard down and slipped into "smart ass" mode all weekend. Slipped in some demeaning comments, openly criticized him, and basically took him down several notches. 

And today I woke up hating myself more than ever because of it. Put a lid on it and was very careful with what I said today, but I was still simmering inside and he knew it. That's the problem. If I say something, I'm damned. If I don't say anything, I'm damned. I feel like I'm playing a losing battle here. I'm just exhausted.

Me as a wife? Epic Fail.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Me as a wife? Epic Fail.


No! No! No! Epic fail is to tear apart and never look back. You're asking questions about yourself. Introspective. In one of Plato's dialogues, Socrates equates this type of self-reflection and inner honesty as true wisdom. When your honest about it with your husband, the true test of his character is whether he begins to lower his guard.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl you can't be an epic fail because if you are then that means I'm one to and at the moment I really can't go there. I spent 7 years verbally attacking my husband. SEVEN. I became my father. It was all I knew.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

MGirl said:


> Ooookay. So there's a lot more to this situation than meets the eye, apparently. I hesitate to even post this because I'm becoming terribly self-deprecating. But I need to vent. I hope my honesty doesn't get me stoned.
> 
> Here's the deal. I grew up in a home with a lot of criticism. My dad never physically touched my mom, but he could take her apart with words and it always killed me to watch it. I swore I would never be that person. Unfortunately, I kind of am.
> 
> ...


Then work on yourself! You can change and grow. I did. I noticed behaviours in myself that my father did. I hated it. I worked hard each day to change. It probably took a couple of years, but each time I'd catch myself, I'd stop and ask myself what I was doing, who was in control here, then take a deep breath and try again. Get yourself some outlets. Do you have any? You need to find healthy ways to release that anger instead of directing it at your husband. Sometimes going into a quiet room and meditating for me helps. I never had this cut down behaviour that you have, but other negative things, however you remind me a lot of my husband. He has been working on it. We all owe it to ourselves and our spouses to work on ourselves to be the best we can. 

We bought a book for him on amazon that seems to be helping, but nothing is overnight. It's called," The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" Practical DBT Exercises for learning mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance. 

And no, I won't throw stones at you


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My husband is very intuitive and observant. He is an introvert and learns a lot from being quiet and watching people. Mr.G is very sensitive to body language. I am no longer able to wave my hand at him dismissively, without him asking me not to do that. He is also unhappy when I kiss my teeth-it is a Caribbean thing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I read my wife's mood from across the room in under a second. I'm right about 95% of the time. And it's not a self fulfilling prophesy either. You learn these things, posture, placement, tilt of the head. I don't have see her eyes (just rolling up to the side anyway!). But nothing, however small escapes our attention if we know the person. How it takes them to have a reaction, down to the tenth of a second. The relative strength they clench their jaw. The volume they speak, or sneeze or tap. Those are all clues.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs thats why when I decided to change I knew I had to REALLY change. Can't fake my way out of it. My husband can read me like a book no matter what my mouth is saying. The feelings have to be genuine for this to work. It's taken some huge mental gymnastics on my part to reach deep inside me to find things to love about my husband. The opposite is me being hypercritical which comes as naturally to me as breathing.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Runs thats why when I decided to change I knew I had to REALLY change. Can't fake my way out of it. My husband can read me like a book no matter what my mouth is saying. The feelings have to be genuine for this to work. It's taken some huge mental gymnastics on my part to reach deep inside me to find things to love about my husband. The opposite is me being hypercritical which comes as naturally to me as breathing.


You just summed me up in a nutshell, Mag. As usual 

The challenge is to stop being critical internally.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I'm an interrogator and reading body language is crucial in our business. For everyone, though, at least 85% of what we "hear" we get not through words but through body language. People lie but body language rarely does.



Have you seen the show Lie to Me with Tim Roth?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

One thing that has helped me quit being hypercritical of my husband is to become enlightened about my own flaws. Who died and made me God? To judge my husband is to judge myself. Take the magnifying glass off him and put it on myself for a change. I certainly don't like it and that gives me just a taste of what it must feel like to live with a flaw picker like me. I am truly humbled by what I saw under my own self observations. My husband is a good man and I was too busy being self richeous to notice.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I knew I had to REALLY change. Can't fake my way out of it.


You deserve applause for trying and succeeding at this.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You deserve applause for trying and succeeding at this.


Thank you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MGirl said:


> You just summed me up in a nutshell, Mag. As usual
> 
> The challenge is to stop being critical internally.


Have you been to therapy?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Have you been to therapy?


Yes...and it's not doing much good right now, unfortunately. 

Magnolia- I feel like I'm more critical of myself than my husband. I may just be projecting my own criticism on him. I don't know...

It's disconcerting that he can read me like a book, though. Guess I won't be playing poker with him anytime soon


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I hate the "nothing" answer espececialy because we (spouse and me) have a procrasination answer. If either of us has a feeling, thought, etc that we do not want to share at the moment we say procrasination meaning we will talk about it later. This allows the person to process the feeling and decide if it is worth the argument. Saying nothing is a cop out and any person always knows nothing is actually something and it most likley has to do with them.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> I hate the "nothing" answer espececialy because we (spouse and me) have a procrasination answer. If either of us has a feeling, thought, etc that we do not want to share at the moment we say procrasination meaning we will talk about it later. This allows the person to process the feeling and decide if it is worth the argument. Saying nothing is a cop out and any person always knows nothing is actually something and it most likley has to do with them.


No, it doesn't always have to do with them. If you know your spouse had a really bad day, you're not going to burden them with something you can handle yourself. Wouldn't it be selfish if your spouse just got fired, found out someone were dead, got in an accident, and yet you were ticked off that you got insulted today by a customer at work? Yeah, that might be a time you say, "oh it's nothing dear". 

You say, "procrasination"? That is a code word for you and your spouse? I believe you mean procrastination? Anyways, that is a code word you and your wife chose and that's great. I think you are missing the original point to the explanation. The original point was to help a husband who was perhaps pushing for an answer and wasn't willing to wait. He felt he needed to know everything right now, with the intent of helping his wife. He just didn't realise that sometimes waiting is helping. 

The intent of explaining "nothing" was for people to gain understanding. It was not to be criticised.


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