# Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Hi everyone,

New guy here. Some background: I've been married for 15 years and have two kids (12 & 13). My wife and I have had our ups and downs during our marriage. After coming _thisclose_ to divorcing 4 years ago, we have been treating each other much better in the last few years, it hasn't been without problems. 

For me, it's been lack of intimacy and sex. For her, it is holding onto grudges of past memories of fights we had. She says that she has a low libido and that's the reason but sometimes she says it is the grudges that keep her from being intimate (no sex for last 3 months)

Before tonight, she said that gradually maybe she will change and will feel like being intimate. However, tonight was a perfect opportunity with the kids away all night but she rebuffed my attempts at initiating something intimate. That led to a discussion about our relationship (which she hates doing) and ultimately talk of divorce came up. We both agreed that it would be bad for the kids and financially. So we came to an agreement to stay together until the kids graduate from high school. No sex, just partners until 2020.

I went to therapy, and still go occasionally, for 2 years after the "almost divorce" 4 years ago. We tried marriage counseling but it only made us angrier with each other.

Thanks for reading this far. So....has anyone tried or have been successful in a sex-less marriage with plans to divorce at a certain time? Is this crazy? Thanks in advance for any replies. I'll supply more info if that would be helpful.


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## sittingonthedock (Jun 23, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Thank you for your openness with your story. One question, did she also come to an agreement about how you will fulfill your normal sexual drive without intimacy with your wife?

To answer your question, many Marriages are sexless. Sad isn't it? I wouldn't consider a lack of intimacy a working marriage, but that's just my opinion. Good luck!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sittingonthedock said:


> Thank you for your openness with your story. One question, did she also come to an agreement about how you will fulfill your normal sexual drive without intimacy with your wife?


We have a "no cheating" pact. Aside from that, we didn't discuss it. I assume she thinks I will handle it the way I've been doing it between sex with her: by myself.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sittingonthedock said:


> To answer your question, many Marriages are sexless. Sad isn't it? I wouldn't consider a lack of intimacy a working marriage, but that's just my opinion. Good luck!


I agree, it won't be fun but the no sex suits her fine. She would be happy just having me around to watch tv together, go out to dinner, family events, etc.........just no sex. 

thanks


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> We have a "no cheating" pact. Aside from that, we didn't discuss it. I assume she thinks I will handle it the way I've been doing it between sex with her: by myself.


Get 2 books...
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
and...
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Believe me it helps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

By definition.. "stay married until the kids leave" marriage is a very broken marriage. So not it cannot work.

If your wife is refusing to have sex with you, she really has no right to put a not cheating rule on you. That's just nonsense.

The marriage you have right now is not good for your children. Believe me it will hurt them just as much now as it will later when you divorce. 

Does your wife have a job? Or is she a stay at home mom?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



tom67 said:


> Get 2 books...
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
> and...
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books
> ...


thank you very much!


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## sittingonthedock (Jun 23, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

OK. Five more years is a longtime without intimacy. I do know that one doesn't really miss what one doesn't have, so the no cheating "rule" may withstand such a parched landscape ahead for you. Of course one must both realize that the lack of intimacy leaves both of you at risk for extramarital relationships.
Have your daughters noticed that you two are basically roommates, and is your wife aware that the relationship they observe between you two will most likely be one her daughters will emulate as they grow and forge relationships? 
Life is so short, I wish you well. Everyone deserves to be loved.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



EleGirl said:


> By definition.. "stay married until the kids leave" marriage is a very broken marriage. So not it cannot work.
> 
> If your wife is refusing to have sex with you, she really has no right to put a not cheating rule on you. That's just nonsense.
> 
> ...


We both have good jobs. Hers consumes her time a but more but she's not the breadwinner, if that makes any difference.

I know it will hurt them now. They would have no idea because before our fight, we were very affectionate hugging, kiss hello and good night just very sporadic sex.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



tom67 said:


> Get 2 books...
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
> and...
> http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
> ...


thank you!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

@tom67: i tried to thank you in a post but it doesn't show up. Don't know why


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sittingonthedock said:


> OK. Five more years is a longtime without intimacy. I do know that one doesn't really miss what one doesn't have, so the no cheating "rule" may withstand such a parched landscape ahead for you. Of course one must both realize that the lack of intimacy leaves both of you at risk for extramarital relationships.
> Have your daughters noticed that you two are basically roommates, and is your wife aware that the relationship they observe between you two will most likely be one her daughters will emulate as they grow and forge relationships?
> Life is so short, I wish you well. Everyone deserves to be loved.


I have a son and a daughter. They see us joking around, spending time together, supporting one another with the kids, hugging and kissing. We sleep in separate beds because we have different hours (has always been that way) so our kids think everything is great. They even say so.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

It is generally not successful in the sense that (a) the time kids leave is the time they go to college where you need money even more and (b) by then you have enough resentment against each other that one would be predisposed to throw every obstacle against the other...

Even in the case where it is 'successful' it's generally not worth the effort. I don't believe that when Bobby and Jenny head off to college there's another pair of moving vans pulling in the driveway. It does not work like that. It can be made to 'work' but it's a Pyrrhic victory at best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> We both have good jobs. Hers consumes her time a but more but she's not the breadwinner, if that makes any difference.
> 
> I know it will hurt them now. They would have no idea because before our fight, we were very affectionate hugging, kiss hello and good night just very sporadic sex.


What % of your joint income does your wife earn?

You are talking about staying in a cold, loveless marriage for 6 more years. The kids will know. They probably already know. Kids pick up on this stuff a lot more than most realize.

It will hurt them now if you divorce. It will hurt them when they are gown if you divorce. There is no good time to do it. And think of the burden you are putting on your children. "Gee son, I love you so much that I stayed in a loveless marriage, pretending it was ok for 6 years... I did it just for you." What a horrible burden to put on your children.



I'm not saying that you should divorce right now, necessarily. What you should do is whatever is emotionally healthiest for all concerned.. to include YOU.

You can take some time to try to turn things around. For example there are some good books: "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Try what the books suggest. If over time you two are not passionately in love again.. then divorce. But don't put stay for years in a sexless, loveless marriage. It's just not worth wasting your life for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I have a son and a daughter. They see us joking around, spending time together, supporting one another with the kids, hugging and kissing. We sleep in separate beds because we have different hours (has always been that way) so our kids think everything is great. They even say so.


Now there is some insight into why your marriage is falling apart. You two maintain different hours so you do not sleep together. This sort of thing destroys just about 100% of marriages. Is there any way you can get a job that is the same hours your wife works?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Your wife may think she doesn't want sex, but having no intimacy or affection in her marriage can't possibly be what she envisioned for herself when you first got married. I can't imagine many women would look forward to such a future. I'd be asking her what her vision of a great marriage is and where is love and affection on that list? Is it at the bottom after having clean socks? Hell no, we all see the couples walking around in their 80s, holding hands and looking lovingly at each other. You don't get that by 'friend zoning' your partner.

Are you going to be able to hold together a BS marriage until your kids leave? Only you can say, but I bet one or both of you end up in an affair, even by accident, because you'll both be lonely as hell.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



john117 said:


> It is generally not successful in the sense that (a) the time kids leave is the time they go to college where you need money even more and (b) by then you have enough resentment against each other that one would be predisposed to throw every obstacle against the other...
> 
> Even in the case where it is 'successful' it's generally not worth the effort. I don't believe that when Bobby and Jenny head off to college there's another pair of moving vans pulling in the driveway. It does not work like that. It can be made to 'work' but it's a Pyrrhic victory at best.


agreed....thanks for the advice



EleGirl said:


> What % of your joint income does your wife earn?
> 
> You are talking about staying in a cold, loveless marriage for 6 more years. The kids will know. They probably already know. Kids pick up on this stuff a lot more than most realize.
> 
> ...


60/40 income ratio

thanks for the great insight and recommendations. I will be thinking about what you wrote



EleGirl said:


> Now there is some insight into why your marriage is falling apart. You two maintain different hours so you do not sleep together. This sort of thing destroys just about 100% of marriages. Is there any way you can get a job that is the same hours your wife works?


No...she has a good job that she loves that requires her to be up early. We both like having separate beds. This would be difficult to change now but I would do it if she agreed.



breeze said:


> Your wife may think she doesn't want sex, but having no intimacy or affection in her marriage can't possibly be what she envisioned for herself when you first got married. I can't imagine many women would look forward to such a future. I'd be asking her what her vision of a great marriage is and where is love and affection on that list? Is it at the bottom after having clean socks? Hell no, we all see the couples walking around in their 80s, holding hands and looking lovingly at each other. You don't get that by 'friend zoning' your partner.
> 
> Are you going to be able to hold together a BS marriage until your kids leave? Only you can say, but I bet one or both of you end up in an affair, even by accident, because you'll both be lonely as hell.


She honestly thinks that being affectionate but no sex is satisfying enough for her right now. I can't predict if she would have an affair but it would be very evident because there isn't much wiggle room in our schedules. If anything, I can see us asking for a divorce if we starting having those feelings towards someone else but who knows...

thank you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Your children will know you aren't happy. I'm sure your wife will be very happy with no sexual demands to deal with but you will be unhappy and they'll know it. Children are far more perceptive than parents realize. 

And don't expect that when the youngest heads off to college and you spring divorce on them that they are going to be okay with that. Children want their parents together no matter what age they are. My child was a middle-aged male when I divorced and he was no more understanding about it than he would have been at around 13 when I first considered it. 

In fact, he told me it would have been easier for him to deal with had I done it 30 years ago. I wish I had too.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*

I'm speaking from experience btw. But for financial reasons, not "for the children".

A zombie marriage is a zombie marriage no matter how you slice it. There's no good time to put the silver spike thru.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Wouldn't it be better to part on good terms, instead of waiting until things get contentious.

No offense, but you stated that she holds onto past resentments, and won't more just accumulate.

No cheating, I think one of you will eventually crack.

Our need to feel bonded and love, will most likely suppress our good judgement.

If someone comes along, and fulfills you or your wife's emotional needs, your marriage is done anyways.


Why not have an open marriage, and view your wife as a friend and not a mate.

You sound better as friends anyways to an outside observer.

Have you tried doing something new and exciting with your wife, that tends to bring back some bonding?

Have you two tried to rework your schedule to coincide with each other's?

Couples need quality time together.

Spending time together, listening and not judging, dating, and having sex will do wonders.

Studies have shown that couples with high oxytocin levels will compromise and listen to each other.

Your bond is probably on the verge of snapping.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

So...let me get this straight.

Your wife's needs are affection, cuddling, your 60% paycheck, and getting the kids taken care of.

Your needs are sex and intimacy.

Someone is getting their needs taken care of and that person is not you.

Further, run this statement through your noggin and see how much sense it makes:

"Hi. This is PSEG. We know we are your electricity provider of record but we just don't feel like giving you any electricity this month. Next month isn't looking very good either. Further, if you actually go to get electricity from another provider, we will sue your pants off! By the way...don't you DARE stop paying us or we will once again, sue your pants off."

Are you going to sit in a dark house and mope? 

Of COURSE she isn't interested in talking about the relationship: her needs are being met JUST FINE thanx so any topic of conversation will be about YOUR needs. EW! Instant buzz kill!

You do what you need to do. But it certainly doesn't look very good put in those terms, does it?

Start to put some money away in a place she can't find it. I do not think this is sustainable and would rather you have a cushion when bad things start to happen.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

It is unbelievable that you would allow a woman (your pretend wife) to make your life choices for you. How could you ever be okay with neglecting yourself for your kids sake? I mean, yes, parent's are will to do anything for their children; however, today could be your last day alive. 

Getting a divorce today is like getting pizza. All the couples are doing it. I'm not an numbers guy or anything, but I'm pretty sure children are not as affected today as they were maybe 30 years ago when it wasn't 'normal' to have divorced parents. Millions of children move on with their lives and become successful. If you have a son, he will later understand why daddy had to do what he had to do. 

Do you really want to be the depressed guy who has to jerk off all the time like your 14 years old again? I mean, your own kids could potentially be having more sex than you for crying out loud when they are nearing 18. File the divorce, get back on your feet, and be the best father you can be. 

To answer your question; NO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

How sure are you that your wife is not cheating? 

Is her phone password protected? Does she text a lot? what's her computer use like?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I have a son and a daughter. They see us joking around, spending time together, supporting one another with the kids, hugging and kissing. We sleep in separate beds because we have different hours (has always been that way) so our kids think everything is great. They even say so.


So you're just going to blindside them in 6 years?

I never understand this thinking. So the day after the youngest kid graduates high school, it's like "Well guess what kids? Mom and dad are getting divorced." If my parents did something like that to me I would never be able to trust them again. I would feel like my whole family life was a big sham. My parents pretending to be happy but not really. What was real and what wasn't?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



soccermom2three said:


> So you're just going to blindside them in 6 years?
> 
> I never understand this thinking. So the day after the youngest kid graduates high school, it's like "Well guess what kids? Mom and dad are getting divorced." If my parents did something like that to me I would never be able to trust them again. I would feel like my whole family life was a big sham. My parents pretending to be happy but not really. What was real and what wasn't?


:iagree: My brother's wife sprung divorce the month their youngest turned 18. Their daughter was 22. It really messed them both up at a time when they were starting their life as adults. It's been 4 years. Their relationships with their parents has not fully recovered. It probably never will.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

I think the kids would feel that they were lied too.

Their image of their parents would be a facade.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Being affectionate at pretending everything is fine is just wrong. And no, it won't work. You're attempting a form of covert contract. You need to read no more mr nice guy asap.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Everyone thinks life goes on forever. It doesn't. 

Divorce now and have your kids get counseling if they should need it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

I would suggest this.

It does not heal all wounds, but you need to emotionally distance yourself from this woman in a demonstrable way. The reasons she doesn't want to talk about these things is that any talk is a loser deal for her. 

(Short digression: she is obviously deeply angry about something from your past. I am not sure exactly who is wrong here. I know where either of you are is not working)

For whatever reason, neither of you want to work on things because, in part, she does not fear a sense of loss. She has you tied up in a bow, afraid of fiscal loss and afraid of getting laid. Maybe she is using your moral sense against you.

You need distance in this relationship...and you need to let her know that things CAN change and she does not have a 6 year guarantee...





> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> ...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Are you sure that she can go on without sex or is it more like go on without sex from you because she is getting it elsewhere ? How sure are you that there isn't someone else ?

This sounds like she found someone else some time ago and "almost got divorced" as a result and that even though its been 4 years, this has not disappeared. What were your disagreements like before the "almost divorce" and what are they really about now ? Could it be that she is rewriting marital history to justify something else that is going on?

Your "getting on" over the last 4 years maybe her attempt to keep you placated until you start asking for sex when someone else is in her head.

You need to (for peace-of-mind's sake) investigate in stealth mode without telling her what you are doing by using VARs, keyboard loggers, checking messages and phones etc to rule out someone else.

Otherwise, wanting to get divorced over some "grudges" doesn't make complete sense.

Just saying ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

IMO, keeping a dead marriage on life support "for the kids" is a bad idea. My ex and I had a sexless marriage, and she wanted me to stay until our son finished high school. I considered it, but decided that it wouldn't be beneficial for our son to have a dysfunctional marriage as an example, and it wouldn't be healthy for me to continue living in one. I decided that divorcing her was the best option, and while it was financially difficult, it was still the best decision I've ever made, for both me and my son.


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## just_a_husband (Nov 2, 2014)

Ultimately, you two are adults in a marriage and can do whatever you mutually agree on, but...

I don't see how a 6 year joint celibacy pact is going to work unless your marriage is perfect in every other way and neither of you have any sex drive whatsoever. Clearly, you do have a sex drive do this agreement compromises your needs. What's her compromise?

Even if you hold out and divorce when the kids are adults, don't think they won't notice. My wife's parents did something similar and it still negatively effects my wife's relationship to them which in turn has given my kids a less than great relationship with their grandparents.

Seriously, look at your finances and at least have some type of a game plan for divorce. I don't know what these grudges are that your wife won't let go but it is cruelty on her part to deny sex to you for 6 years while still expecting you to not get it from someone else. Discretely pleasuring yourself like a teenager when your wife is in the next bed or room over not willing to fulfill your needs for years at a time is a lonely existence indeed.

She works outside the home at different hours, are you sure there is not at least an EA going on?


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



soccermom2three said:


> I never understand this thinking. So the day after the youngest kid graduates high school, it's like "Well guess what kids? Mom and dad are getting divorced." If my parents did something like that to me I would never be able to trust them again. I would feel like my whole family life was a big sham. My parents pretending to be happy but not really. What was real and what wasn't?


I understand and respect this perspective, but I *do* understand this thinking.

My parents divorced soon after I left for college. Although I was surprised when I was informed, I was in no way as emotionally devastated as so many here would predict. I just figured that people gotta do what they gotta do.

I did not discover for several years that my mom had cheated on my dad, and that he decided to stay married until I had left the nest. I don't know the details of the affair, or how long my dad stayed in a sham marriage. All I know is that my parents were mature enough not to let their marital problems affect my teenage life. I did not have to move, change schools, lose my friends, or stress about my home while trying to get good grades, etc.

I am grateful that my dad behaved as he did. I admire him for maintaining stability for me during my formative years. And he is my model for moving forward in a similar way with my current situation.

Had my parents not been able to provide a stable environment, my reaction would probably be more in line with the majority of posts here suggesting that the OP end this sooner rather than later. So I guess it all depends on if you think you can still provide a happy home despite your marriage's issues.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

wow....what a wake up call! I'm so glad I found this forum :smthumbup: I have to think how to do this but the best option does seem like divorce.

Thanks everyone for your help!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Well, if you file, things may change. 

But don't put your misery on your kids.

Everyone can end up emotionally healthy.

I would make it amicable as possible, staying friends.

Tell her she needs someone compatible to her,a and you need someone who you can feel content with.

Don't play the blame game.
Be cool, calm, and collective.

Tell her you make great friends, and you wish to stay that way.

Perhaps tell her when she finds someone, you will be happy for her.

Then again, she may work on her issues, asking for a sexond chance.

Or, she may be relieved that it is over.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Cobalt,

I'm your bank. You've been a client for 15 years.

I'm going to give you a loan for a car. It will take four years to pay it off. Except, the car has to sit on the lot until you finish paying it off. You can go visit it, even sit in in, but you can't drive it until it's paid off.

One other thing. I put it in the contract that you also are not allowed to drive any other car at all during this time. This helps protect me because my risk is low. I get my cash and interest. And the dealership is happy because they sold a car, and after four years they won't be nervous if you default on the payments.

See! Win win for everyone! Well, except you.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



JCD said:


> Your wife's needs are affection, cuddling, your 60% paycheck, and getting the kids taken care of.
> 
> Your needs are sex and intimacy.
> 
> Someone is getting their needs taken care of and that person is not you.


This sums it up. You have been friendzoned by your wife.

If you do stay for the next 4 years, you need to dial back all the rest of this stuff. No more date nights, no more cuddling, get separate accounts, and make sure she pulls her weight with the kids. Then find some hobbies and start hanging out with your friends. This isn't a marriage any longer, its a business arrangement. Make sure it's fair to you.

Divorce has its own pitfalls. Child support, alimony, splitting assets and time with children. A colossal sh*t sandwich she is serving up to you simply because she won't try and work on her issues.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



Big Dude said:


> I understand and respect this perspective, but I *do* understand this thinking.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Your dad modeled a bad marriage and you're repeating it. Exactly as predicted. So this is the life you wish for your children? And for the sole purpose of easing your guilt. Nice.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Here's the thing, every time you see happy couple or a friend tells you about the great sex he's having or when a woman flirts with you and makes it known she's interested, the resentment towards your wife is going to build and build. You probably think you can hold it in but it's going to bleed out somewhere in your life either physically or mentally.

If you decide to stay, I agree with all the posters that say to start to detach now. No more affection, separate accounts, only talk about finances and kids, etc. At least it won't be such a shock to the kids in 6 years, I guess. No more faking love and affection, that's just cruel.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



WorkingOnMe said:


> Your dad modeled a bad marriage and you're repeating it. Exactly as predicted. So this is the life you wish for your children? And for the sole purpose of easing your guilt. Nice.


I understand how you might think this, but you are profoundly wrong about my situation.

Bad marriages happen. All kinds of bad things happen. How we deal with the bad things reflects our character. If my dad had divorced my mom right away I cannot imagine how that might have affected my decision to marry who I did. That decision is all on me.

To the extent that my dad showed me that you could still maintain a happy home while riding out marital challenges, I admit that I see this as a viable option. Both of my parents have remarried more compatible spouses. I hope to do the same someday. And I don't worry one tiny bit that I'm sending an inappropriate message to my son or affecting his development in anything other than a positive way.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



Big Dude said:


> I understand how you might think this, but you are profoundly wrong about my situation.
> 
> Bad marriages happen. All kinds of bad things happen. How we deal with the bad things reflects our character. If my dad had divorced my mom right away I cannot imagine how that might have affected my decision to marry who I did. That decision is all on me.
> 
> To the extent that my dad showed me that you could still maintain a happy home while riding out marital challenges, I admit that I see this as a viable option. Both of my parents have remarried more compatible spouses. I hope to do the same someday. And I don't worry one tiny bit that I'm sending an inappropriate message to my son or affecting his development in anything other than a positive way.


If your son is cheated on or your daughter, will you advise them to stay for the kids?

What if you or your wife finds someone else?

It may not happened with your dad, but today and communication, it will be easier for you or your wife to talk to an old friend.

If your going to stay no matter what, then what advise do you need?

You have already made up your mind.

What happens if your wife leaves you instead?


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



Mr.Fisty said:


> If your son is cheated on or your daughter, will you advise them to stay for the kids?
> 
> What if you or your wife finds someone else?
> 
> ...


If my son is someday cheated on, I would advise him to divorce if he asked for my advice. The details of the divorce would depend entirely on the context of the family situation. 

I do not advise staying no matter what. I advise staying if it is realistically possible to provide a stable and happy home for your children. Sometimes this is possible, sometimes not. It depends so much on circumstances and personalities that insisting on any kind of universal policy is silly.

All I am saying on this thread is that it is possible to provide a stable, loving, and happy home for your kids even if you plan to divorce later. It may or may not be possible for the OP given his individual circumstances. Only he is in a position to figure that out.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> New guy here. Some background: I've been married for 15 years and have two kids (12 & 13). My wife and I have had our ups and downs during our marriage. After coming _thisclose_ to divorcing 4 years ago, we have been treating each other much better in the last few years, it hasn't been without problems.
> 
> ...


How is the problem solved? You still get no sex and she still holds a grudge. Sooner or later there will be a breaking point. All the both of you are doing is holding yourselves hostage and sooner or later the kids will pick up on it and then it become worse. If it's no longer there, you can $h!t in one hand and wish in the other and see what you get first.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> thanks for the great insight and recommendations. I will be thinking about what you wrote



My sister did this.

Her daughter was *SO* pissed when she figured out what happened.

It caused major issues that still exist to this day.

Her two questions that stuck with me the most were:
"Why did you make yourself so miserable"?
"Why did you dump this kind of pressure on me - I'm only 18. I haven't experienced anything and you dump this on me"




Cobalt said:


> She honestly thinks that being affectionate but no sex is satisfying enough for her right now. I can't predict if she would have an affair but it would be very evident because there isn't much wiggle room in our schedules. If anything, I can see us asking for a divorce if we starting having those feelings towards someone else but who knows...
> 
> thank you!


But that's not enough for you.

I would start to detach, do the 180, and start planning for your exit. Start protecting yourself mentally and emotionally and get ready to move out and move on to someone who is more compatible with you.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



snerg said:


> My sister did this.
> 
> Her daughter was *SO* pissed when she figured out what happened.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated.

One thing I don't understand is why the parents have to tell the children they stayed together for them. Why not just get a divorce and keep your mouth shut? And you don't have to do it the day after they leave for college or whatever. Too obvious 

Anyway....message rec'd.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> We both have good jobs. Hers consumes her time a but more but she's not the breadwinner, if that makes any difference.
> 
> I know it will hurt them now. They would have no idea because before our fight, we were very affectionate hugging, kiss hello and good night just very sporadic sex.


I've got news for you. It gets worse with age. Adult children become controlling whiny babies when their parents divorce. Even middle aged kids. You're not only extending your own dissatisfaction but you going to make it worse and not better for them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

My sister did. She was married for 17 years and her and her husband grew apart and decided to divorce when their daughter who was 16 graduated from High School in two years. They told their daughter and family members. They just didn't want to disrupt the family before she went on to college. They had were very friendly to each other but lead their own lives plus did things together. Before their daughter graduated they had all of the financials worked out and my sister had already bought another house. When their daughter graduated my sister moved their daughter went on to college and her husband kept the house. They are both happily remarried and are good friends.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



EleGirl said:


> :iagree: My brother's wife sprung divorce the month their youngest turned 18. Their daughter was 22. It really messed them both up at a time when they were starting their life as adults. It's been 4 years. Their relationships with their parents has not fully recovered. It probably never will.


My experience is similar. I'm the 2nd of 4 kids and when i was a sophomore in college my parents sprung the divorce on us - me first. I was home from college studying for finals when that happened, so needless to say my final grades weren't great. In retrospect, I feel worse about my younger brother because he was the only one left in the house (my younger sister got married young) when my parents divorced. I didn't realize how hard it was on him until a few years ago. 

Somebody else mentioned that the kids will know that things aren't great between you and your wife, but I'm not so sure. I was completely, utterly blindsided when my parents separated then divorced. Maybe it's because I'm a guy and I'm naturally a little oblivious to relationship dynamics, or maybe my parents were really good at hiding things. I think you owe it to yourself, though, to be honest with your feelings and eventually with your kids. Good luck in whatever you decide.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Cobalt,

I’m not sure if staying together for the kid’s sake is better or worse. Seems like it could go either way.

I agree with JCD that the agreement means that all of your wife’s needs continue to be met while yours are not. It’s a win/win for her and a lose/lose for you.

There is a chance that the marriage can be saved if your wife can bring herself to address your needs. It’s also possible that your wife’s desire for you can be rediscovered. It’s not probable, but it is possible.

Here’s the talk you need to have with your wife:

“Honey, I’m sorry to hear that you no longer desire to have sex with me. Sex and intimacy are very important to me and I cannot be happy staying in a marriage where they do not exist. I understand your feelings and I am not upset at you for having them. It is what it is. I would never want you to have to fake that desire for my sake."

"So, I think we should plan to divorce. I am not willing to wait until the kids graduate to divorce. However, I am willing to wait quite a while. We need time to adjust to our future lives and I do not wish to do anything that will overly disrupt our family. So here’s what I intend to do."

"I will not ask you to have sex with me. I will continue to make our children’s needs the highest priority. Since you will not be a part of my life in the future, I will not make your needs a priority. Please understand that this is not done with the intent to hurt you or to 'get back at you'. I just think that we need begin to start emotionally disengaging from each other in preparation for our future lives. I will be pleasant and cordial. I will separate our finances in preparation for the eventual divorce.I will be looking to develop interests outside the home and may need some nights / weekends to myself. I will coordinate these with your schedule and always inform you of my whereabouts in case of a family emergency. I have no intention of starting relationships with other women prior to the divorce. However, in the unlikely event that I find someone who I believe I can be happy with, I will inform you and we may need to accelerate the divorce as a result. I will not bring this topic up again unless you specifically ask me to."

"I greatly regret that things couldn’t be worked out between us. Regardless, I wish you the best and hope that you find happiness in the future.”

Then DO it and that’s the LAST time you talk about it.

I’d give it about a 25% chance that she comes around and decides to work on the marriage and a 75% chance that you’ll be happier post-divorce than you would otherwise. The speech above is in keeping with the “180” that JCD details above.

Once you’ve started down this road, never back down. Even if she says “I was wrong! Please, please let’s work on it”, stay the course until you’ve seen a real change. Remember, you’re not doing this to “trick” her. You are genuinely doing it for yourself.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

well ok sorry to read abt your case .

but i still disagree with PA or EA .

but the sex part is a problem btw you n wife . it will be a problem too if it happens to me .

hope it will be solved


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



tripad said:


> well ok sorry to read abt your case .
> 
> but i still disagree with PA or EA .
> 
> ...


Thanks.....it's a ****ed up situation. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you guys posted.


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## sittingonthedock (Jun 23, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Good Luck. Don't settle.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sittingonthedock said:


> Good Luck. Don't settle.


Thank you for all your input


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Explain the reasons for grudges ? 

Why did you come close to divorce 4 years ago ?

Why are you two got married ?

Anyways.... You can mess up your relationship with your wife but you can't do the same with your kids lives. 

Kids come first.

Do the best for your kids even if it means that you need to cut your d!ck off.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

New to this, but why in hell would you agree to stay married without sex and no freedom to pursue it with someone else?

So, what you're saying, is that you agree to meet her needs until 2020 but yours don't get met.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



marduk said:


> New to this, but why in hell would you agree to stay married without sex and no freedom to pursue it with someone else?
> 
> So, what you're saying, is that you agree to meet her needs until 2020 but yours don't get met.




Here are his other threads, might help for clarification. He is (was?) getting his needs met, just not by his wife: 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/244650-my-osf-doesnt-want-have-contact-me-anymore.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/244186-updated-situation-sexless-marriage.html


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



staarz21 said:


> Here are his other threads, might help for clarification. He is (was?) getting his needs met, just not by his wife:
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/244650-my-osf-doesnt-want-have-contact-me-anymore.html
> ...


So, he agreed to a sexless marriage with no cheating, and just isn't living up to his word?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Blows my mind that women withhold intimacy from men......after all, its men's ultimate way to express love.

Sad, really sad.

I wouldn't wait till kids leave either...no intimacy = no marriage/relationship in my eyes.

Kids or no kids, that doesn't matter.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

***Update***

Getting a divorce. Couldn't make it work with her and I've tried. I feel relieved. 

Thanks for your help throughout this process, even the people I had to put on ignore temporarily


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Hi Cobalt,

So much left unsaid, but sounds like you've thought about it enough. I understand where you're coming from, and you will feel so much better leaving this zombie marriage than staying there whether you not you get support from close OSFs.

It's a really tough place you've been, many of us have been there, but believe me, you CAN make it work for your children. If you and your W can make the split amicably enough and you organise the custody arrangements sensibly, after a period of adjustment your children will know you better and get a richer life experience. 

I know there are many BS on here, who will bag you for an almost affair, but I think when the marriage is dead already, its inevitable. It's more a matter of denial that keeps the marriage going. Sometimes its only a disruption like your OSF that forces the issue.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Deep Down said:


> Hi Cobalt,
> 
> So much left unsaid, but sounds like you've thought about it enough. I understand where you're coming from, and you will feel so much better leaving this zombie marriage than staying there whether you not you get support from close OSFs.
> 
> ...


Thank you DD, I appreciate it 

I've tried for years with the W. Even my therapist said she will never change and what I was doing for the kids was very self-less. However, being around her, only kept me on that hamster wheel of "working on our marriage". After years of working on it, I was done...mentally drained and physically unsatisfied. 

The divorce was inevitable but when I started having feelings for my OSF, I knew that it was time to call it quits. I gave it one last try but no go. I love this other woman. I've known her for almost a year. I didn't have sex with her during any time I was committed to my marriage. 

I feel a ton of relief right now. The split looks like it will go amicably.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Ripper said:


> This sums it up. You have been friendzoned by your wife.
> 
> If you do stay for the next 4 years, you need to dial back all the rest of this stuff. No more date nights, no more cuddling, get separate accounts, and make sure she pulls her weight with the kids. Then find some hobbies and start hanging out with your friends. This isn't a marriage any longer, its a business arrangement. Make sure it's fair to you.
> 
> Divorce has its own pitfalls. Child support, alimony, splitting assets and time with children. A colossal sh*t sandwich she is serving up to you simply because she won't try and work on her issues.


I wouldn't put it that way. She may indeed have a low desire level. Many, some of them men, do. Nevertheless, that doesn't help the OP at all. So he's got to look to fix his own life.

But I don't think blaming his wife for her lack of desire is helpful. One can't just throw a switch.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



soccermom2three said:


> Here's the thing, every time you see happy couple or a friend tells you about the great sex he's having or when a woman flirts with you and makes it known she's interested, the resentment towards your wife is going to build and build. You probably think you can hold it in but it's going to bleed out somewhere in your life either physically or mentally.
> 
> If you decide to stay, I agree with all the posters that say to start to detach now. No more affection, separate accounts, only talk about finances and kids, etc. At least it won't be such a shock to the kids in 6 years, I guess. No more faking love and affection, that's just cruel.


I don't like the slow detachment idea. Assuming that the wife is truthful and really has low (no) desire, wouldn't the best thing to do be to sit down and put it to her truthfully that he is not blaming her or being vindictive, but that he can't go months without sex. He should also say that he's willing to be as helpful as possible with regard to the kids and even her, but his one life is slipping away and he wants some pleasure in it.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



DoF said:


> Blows my mind that women withhold intimacy from men......after all, its men's ultimate way to express love.
> 
> Sad, really sad.
> 
> ...


I think it is important to understand that people with low or no desire actually exist. The condition may be medical or it may be psychological or it may just be with no explanation.

So I don't think it is fair to say that this woman is actively withholding sex from the OP. It might be true, but I don't know how he'd find out unless she has a PA.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

It doesn't matter now  it's over! :smthumbup:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Why not divorce in place. Do the D. Then live together. She stays in a different room. 

You start dating. Agree that she moves out when you move another actual woman in. Perhaps she'll see the light and compete for you. 

And read MMSLP. Right now she controls you. Kinda sucks. She's keeping you from your future and your happiness. She's already not married. Just make it official. Charge her rent.

If she disagrees to instant d, kick her out. And have her get her hormones checked by a real doctor who understands hormones.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Q tip said:


> Why not divorce in place. Do the D. Then live together. She stays in a different room.
> 
> You start dating. Agree that she moves out when you move another actual woman in. Perhaps she'll see the light and compete for you.
> 
> ...


You didn't read my last few posts. I am getting a divorce. I already have another woman. I am moving out next weekend.

I wouldn't do what you suggested anyway. Have her compete for me? Charge her rent? :rofl: wtf? Is that the kind of advice they give in those dumb books?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> You didn't read my last few posts. I am getting a divorce. I already have another woman. I am moving out next weekend.
> 
> I wouldn't do what you suggested anyway. Have her compete for me? Charge her rent? :rofl: wtf? Is that the kind of advice they give in those dumb books?


Finally a dude's woken up!! 

..and yes, in dumb books.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Without wanting to go onto your ignore list, just beware the other woman. You have been ripe for an affair, but take it easy, it could be a rebound thing once you both ditch your spouses, it may not be as good as you thought.

Enjoy yourself, but take it slowly.

Glad you're moving out, you won't know yourself.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sidney2718 said:


> I wouldn't put it that way. She may indeed have a low desire level. Many, some of them men, do. Nevertheless, that doesn't help the OP at all. So he's got to look to fix his own life.
> 
> But I don't think blaming his wife for her lack of desire is helpful. *One can't just throw a switch.*


I tried and I'm sure she did too in her own way. Ultimately moving on was the best solution for both of us. I wanted to give it my best shot for the kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> You didn't read my last few posts. I am getting a divorce. I already have another woman. I am moving out next weekend.
> 
> I wouldn't do what you suggested anyway. Have her compete for me? Charge her rent? :rofl: wtf? Is that the kind of advice they give in those dumb books?


To be clear, OW is married as well, correct?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> You didn't read my last few posts. I am getting a divorce. I already have another woman. I am moving out next weekend.
> 
> I wouldn't do what you suggested anyway. Have her compete for me? Charge her rent? :rofl: wtf? Is that the kind of advice they give in those dumb books?


You don't candycoat what your post so I won't either. Divorce is probably the right thing but you waiting until you have another women in the wings to do it is a cowardly way to do it. Maybe you don't care how it looks to us but some day your kids will look back and think that dad cheated and left mom.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Thundarr said:


> You don't candycoat what your post so I won't either. Divorce is probably the right thing but you waiting until you have another women in the wings to do it is a cowardly way to do it. Maybe you don't care how it looks to us but some day your kids will look back and think that dad cheated and left mom.


OW's children will likely come to the same conclusion.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Thundarr said:


> You don't candycoat what your post so I won't either. Divorce is probably the right thing but you waiting until you have another women in the wings to do it is a cowardly way to do it. Maybe you don't care how it looks to us but some day your kids will look back and think that dad cheated and left mom.


I stayed with her for years like this and even went into therapy. She didn't. I started this thread back in November. NOTHING has changed! Get it? I'm out because she wouldn't change, not because of the other woman.

The fact that I have another woman now is irrelevant. I was romantically involved with her for the last few years and was I a "coward" then? No...according to most people (read the beginning of this thread) I was an idiot for staying. I didn't cheat, we're getting a divorce. She knows about the OSF. I told her that's why I'm not playing the waiting game anymore

One thing you are right about is I don't care how it looks to you :smthumbup:


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



GusPolinski said:


> OW's children will likely come to the same conclusion.


what children? :scratchhead:

Great comments! :smthumbup: you guys are awesome :lol:


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, OW is married as well, correct?


We're both getting divorces. She has already loved out. I'm moving out next weekend.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Glad to see you finally escaped the plantation.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Ripper said:


> Glad to see you finally escaped the plantation.


Thanks. Apparently that bothers some people :rofl: so did staying in a sexless marriage.

You can't win around here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> We're both getting divorces. She has already loved out. I'm moving out next weekend.


That's awesome!

Between now and then, you should probably take the opportunity to stock up on pixie dust, rainbows, and cotton candy-scented unicorn farts.

In fact, hit up a Sam's Club, Costco, etc, and buy in bulk!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



GusPolinski said:


> That's awesome!
> 
> Between now and then, you should probably take the opportunity to stock up on pixie dust, rainbows, and cotton candy-scented unicorn farts.
> 
> In fact, hit up a Sam's Club, Costco, etc, and buy in bulk!


Gus needs to get laid :rofl:

have fun reading your books and giving ****ty advice here while I'm living my life


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

You could do better to give us the whole picture as you see it. It doesn't seem that you care about that.

I don't understand why you are here.

Are you justified, if it matters ?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



SweetAndSour said:


> You could do better to give us the whole picture as you see it. It doesn't seem that you care about that.
> 
> I don't understand why you are here.
> 
> Are you justified, if it matters ?


I do care about some people here who have been helpful and actually read what's going on. I'm here because of those people and I'm a paid supporter 

What question do you have? I would be happy to answer it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

It doesn't matter. We smelled his BS a mile away. As soon as he mentioned his "friend" everyone was all over him about it. He said she wasn't a threat, she was only a friend, that is it. 

Now, they are both divorcing their spouses and moving in together. Hmmm. 

I would LOVE to get the wife's side of the story.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Speaking of helpful (which I'm not) and questions.....

Are you getting laid?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I stayed with her for years like this and even went into therapy. She didn't. I started this thread back in November. NOTHING has changed! Get it? I'm out because she wouldn't change, not because of the other woman.
> 
> The fact that I have another woman now is irrelevant. I was romantically involved with her for the last few years and was I a "coward" then? No...according to most people (read the beginning of this thread) I was an idiot for staying. I didn't cheat, we're getting a divorce. She knows about the OSF. I told her that's why I'm not playing the waiting game anymore
> 
> One thing you are right about is I don't care how it looks to you :smthumbup:


I could have responded for you Cobalt because I already knew what you'd say and how you'd say it. Well except I didn't expect that you'd actually think reading this thread (again) would change people's opinions about having plan B lined up before leaving. Everyone knows its a weak thing to do. And everyone knows the OW/OM is relevant.

So tell yourself that you're entitled if it makes you feel better. I agree that you deserve this other woman by the way and she deserves you as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Gus needs to get laid :rofl:


Ha! Nice try. Granted, I wouldn't mind getting it _more_ than 2-3 times a week, but still... I'm pretty happy w/ our current "sexful" marriage.

Either way, it would seem that your worn copy of "Witty Comebacks For an Eight Grader" is in dire need of replacement.



Cobalt said:


> have fun reading your books and giving ****ty advice here while I'm living my life


Yeah! Because books are for nerds! :scratchhead:

Look, I'm not the only person that's been giving you "sh*tty advice". But hey, tell you what... maybe keep hitting the "Ignore" button until the only replies that you're able to see are those offering support for your poor decisions. Tea Party echo chamber much?

Anyone would be justified in leaving a marriage devoid of either sex or a spouse willing to commit to changes that will make the marriage more fulfilling for _both_ spouses in the marriage.

But the fact that you didn't arrive at this grand epiphany until _after_ you'd already become emotionally involved w/ another woman points to the very real possibility that your entire thought process regarding the state of your marriage has been flawed from the onset of your time here. Or maybe even before that.

Oh, and that you're a coward.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Thanks. Apparently that bothers some people :rofl: so did staying in a sexless marriage.
> 
> You can't win around here.


Separating the issues would help. Staying in a sexless or unhappy marriage is one issue. By all means get divorced for those reasons. But having an EA or PA is a completely separate issue and it's wrong and weak whether you want to rationalize that part away or not.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

I think you and your new chick are just going through these emotions and dealing with the shyt divorce has to offer.I think when you get to a place here your are emotionaly healthier this new chick won't mean shyt. But what the phuck do I know.....

I think relationships are way better when folks get thru their bull shyt and are in a better place and don't have the emotionally crap hanging on their back.

I guess if your new chick sees the best in you now that your free from your old lady then shyt should be alright.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I do care about some people here who have been helpful and actually read what's going on. I'm here because of those people and I'm a paid supporter
> 
> What question do you have? I would be happy to answer it.


I asked before but you didn't answer.

Do YOU have any questions yourself ? 

You seem all set, good luck to you and your children.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Straight up cheater speak. "The OW is irrelevant" 

No, she isn't. When infatuated with someone else, cheaters tend to rewrite marital history. They tend to say it was all the spouse's doing. For example, he said his sex life with his wife was terrible for years. In one part of this thread (or maybe it was one of the other two), he said his wife told him she wanted to spend more time with him. 

When asked about that, he avoided the question. 

He said this OW was only a friend, then later said he was attached to her. He never mentioned (until later) that he had been physically going to see this OW. 

I wonder if the wife wanted to spend more time with him while he was out with this OW. Maybe the wife picked up on this and refused to sleep with someone who was disrespecting her.

In cheater speak, his "years" of sexless marriage, may not have been years at all - but he rewrites it that way so justify his new woman. 

There could be a lot of what if's here. We've asked him questions that he has completely avoided. That tells me that part of this story, (if not all of it) is complete BS.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



the guy said:


> I think you and your new chick are just going through these emotions and dealing with the shyt divorce has to offer.I think when you get to a place here your are emotionaly healthier this new chick won't mean shyt. But what the phuck do I know.....
> 
> I think relationships are way better when folks get thru their bull shyt and are in a better place and don't have the emotionally crap hanging on their back.
> 
> I guess if your new chick sees the best in you now that your free from your old lady then shyt should be alright.


When I was dealing with my sexless marriage, going to therapy, trying to discuss things with her and stay for the children, I was a chump on here.

Now that she has told me that she just wants to be roommates because she has a low libido and no interest in sex, I want to move on. 

I look forward to my new relationship once the dust settles in our marriages. Being happy means people can give me their bad advice anymore and that bothers them.  I'll stay on here for a while and call out their bad advice and will have fun doing it :smthumbup:


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



EleGirl said:


> By definition.. "stay married until the kids leave" marriage is a very broken marriage. So not it cannot work.
> 
> *If your wife is refusing to have sex with you, she really has no right to put a not cheating rule on you. That's just nonsense.*
> 
> ...


advice when I was trying ^

yet I'm somehow an ******* now? Elegirl is pretty respected on here. How come no one is jumping on her case when she gave me this advice?


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> When I was dealing with my sexless marriage, going to therapy, trying to discuss things with her and stay for the children, I was a chump on here.
> 
> Now that she has told me that she just wants to be roommates because she has a low libido and no interest in sex, I want to move on.
> 
> I look forward to my new relationship once the dust settles in our marriages. Being happy means people can give me their bad advice anymore and that bothers them.  I'll stay on here for a while and call out their bad advice and will have fun doing it :smthumbup:


OK,

Keeping it really simple,

Was she sexless when you were dating ?


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



wise said:


> It is unbelievable that you would allow a woman (your pretend wife) to make your life choices for you. How could you ever be okay with neglecting yourself for your kids sake? I mean, yes, parent's are will to do anything for their children; however, today could be your last day alive.
> 
> *Getting a divorce today is like getting pizza. All the couples are doing it. I'm not an numbers guy or anything, but I'm pretty sure children are not as affected today as they were maybe 30 years ago when it wasn't 'normal' to have divorced parents. Millions of children move on with their lives and become successful. If you have a son, he will later understand why daddy had to do what he had to do. *
> 
> ...


That's what I'm doing.....oh wait! Now it's not the right ting to do according to a few people chiming in since I announced I was getting divorced.

****ing hypocrites  not you, wise....other people


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



SweetAndSour said:


> OK,
> 
> Keeping it really simple,
> 
> Was she sexless when you were dating ?


No of course not. We had a good sex life until the kids were toddlers. Then it went down hill. I went to therapy fr 4 years, she didn't want to go. My therapist even said I should leave but admired me staying for the kid's sake. I tried but I met someone. I'm getting a divorce.

Listen SS.....I appreciate your effort but it's over. Dissecting it now will not change anything now.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

"Maybe you don't care how it looks to us but some day your kids will look back and think that dad cheated and left mom."

Because that's exactly what he did.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> When I was dealing with my sexless marriage, going to therapy, trying to discuss things with her and stay for the children, I was a chump on here.


No, you were not here while you were living through those days, I wish you were.

You just showed up and used your sexless wife thing as an intro to your current situation which is having an affair when you are married with children. 

What do you expect to find here, really ?


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



alphaomega said:


> Cobalt,
> 
> I'm your bank. You've been a client for 15 years.
> 
> ...


This post was "liked" by 6 people here  

but when I take this advice to heart I'm wrong :scratchhead:


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Blondilocks said:


> "Maybe you don't care how it looks to us but some day your kids will look back and think that dad cheated and left mom."
> 
> Because that's exactly what he did.





SweetAndSour said:


> No, you were not here while you were living through those days, I wish you were.
> 
> You just showed up and used your sexless wife thing as an intro to your current situation which is having an affair when you are married with children.
> 
> What do you expect to find here, really ?


We haven't even had sex :rofl: I'm leaving not because of her but because I realize that it's not working.

They should re-name this forum BOB (bitter old broads)


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Can you get your wife here ?

I was desperate to persue my wife to do that. I asked her to read everything I say here and "please" voice her opinion. But then I was trying to keep my home together. 

I am not asking you to bring her here to keep you together. It is just that her views would make your story more complete and everybodies time her more valuable.

You are gone, to me at least.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> advice when I was trying ^
> 
> yet I'm somehow an ******* now? Elegirl is pretty respected on here. How come no one is jumping on her case when she gave me this advice?


Even a supposedly respected member says some stupid sh*t at times.

Cobalt, no one blames you for moving on from a sexless marriage. 

The part that p!sses us off, is that you refuse to believe that you didn't give your all during the last year while you were falling in love with another woman.

You can't honestly say that your wife didn't pick up on your distance and self-absorption. You can't honestly blame her low libido given the fact that you were actively pursuing another woman.

Just keep in mind, that your new lady may develop a low libido when you start pursuing other OSFs. At least you won't be your wife's problem anymore. 

Good luck to you and the new Mrs. Cobalt. You're going to need it.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> They should re-name this forum BOB (bitter old broads)


You are here, what do you expect to find here ?


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



SweetAndSour said:


> Can you get your wife here ?
> 
> I was desperate to persue my wife to do that. I asked her to read everything I say here and "please" voice her opinion. But then I was trying to keep my home together.
> 
> ...


I asked her many times but she would rather be on FB.

oh that hurts, btw,


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



Thundarr said:


> Separating the issues would help. Staying in a sexless or unhappy marriage is one issue. By all means get divorced for those reasons. But having an EA or PA is a completely separate issue and it's wrong and weak whether you want to rationalize that part away or not.



Not all of us think it's wrong to have a PA / EA under those circumstances or ANY circumstances where one spouse goes out of their way to not meet the letter and the law of the marriage.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I asked her many times but she would rather be on FB.
> 
> oh that hurts, btw,


OK Bro,

Divorce quick, spend all your energy to make sure your kids have a smooth transition.

Respect your kids mother in front of your kids and behind, kids feel everything.

You are just a soon to be xhusband to your wife and something, whatever, to your new woman.

But you are the only daddy for your children, forever. It is like beeing god. Make sure they have some faith.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



SweetAndSour said:


> OK Bro,
> 
> Divorce quick, spend all your energy to make sure your kids have a smooth transition.
> 
> ...


Thanks brother, I appreciate it


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> New guy here. Some background: I've been married for 15 years and have two kids (12 & 13). My wife and I have had our ups and downs during our marriage. After coming _thisclose_ to divorcing 4 years ago, we have been treating each other much better in the last few years, it hasn't been without problems.
> 
> ...


This was a fraudulent post. What you described was NOT the actual situation in your marriage. You seem to have had another woman waiting in the wings.

So the marriage was already disintegrating. And the talk of a sexless marriage was besides the point.

What did you want TAM to do for you on the basis of wrong information?

I don't blame you for going outside your marriage for sex. What I do blame is your coming here as if you had one problem when in fact you have no problems.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



john117 said:


> Not all of us think it's wrong to have a PA / EA under those circumstances or ANY circumstances where one spouse goes out of their way to not meet the letter and the law of the marriage.


It happens. 

Rather than starting to cheat on my wife, I told her the truth and how it's not working and we should get a divorce. She was initially upset but then she admitted it was for the best and THANKED me for telling her BEFORE I had sex with the OSF. Which we still haven't until I move out but then it's on like donkey kong. woot! :smthumbup: 

Haven't had sex since August but I'm such a bad person according to some on here  not you john


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



john117 said:


> Not all of us think it's wrong to have a PA / EA under those circumstances or ANY circumstances where one spouse goes out of their way to not meet the letter and the law of the marriage.


This is a very dangerous proposition.

Any cheater spouse will come up with endless circumtances to justify why they go out of their way.

In my book "the letter and the law of the marriage" says you shall not cheat.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> We have a "no cheating" pact. Aside from that, we didn't discuss it. I assume she thinks I will handle it the way I've been doing it between sex with her: by myself.





Cobalt said:


> I agree, it won't be fun but the no sex suits her fine. She would be happy just having me around to watch tv together, go out to dinner, family events, etc.........just no sex.


I haven’t read every post and OP posted while I was writing this. It seems that after negations you came up with an agreement that gives her everything she wants. That will certainly teach her a lesson. 

You need to file for divorce and make it clear why. Then it’s up to her to convince you not to. At least get something. Come up with a schedule. Get rid of the kids once a month or something. 

A friend of mine did what he called “collecting nos.” If he didn’t ask for sex it would never happen. The “nos” would build up until his wife would say: “Tomorrow night for sure.” That meant a 50% chance of having sex the next night. 

The bad thing about sex is that it doesn’t build up like laundry. If you don’t do your laundry it builds up and your sorry that you didn’t keep up. 

He would spend months “collecting nos” and they would finally have sex. When he asked for sex the next night she would tell him that he was crazy because they just had sex. Would it be great if you could catch up on months of laundry with one load?

Make it clear to her that she is the one breaking up the family because the solution is simple and well within her control. Tell your friends and family too.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Maybe she'll just tell the friends and family that they're getting a divorce because she doesn't like his girlfriend.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



sidney2718 said:


> This was a fraudulent post. What you described was NOT the actual situation in your marriage. You seem to have had another woman waiting in the wings.
> 
> So the marriage was already disintegrating. And the talk of a sexless marriage was besides the point.
> 
> ...


stfu you moron  I posted that in November. I didn't start having feelings for another woman until January. My marital problems started long before November. I just reached my last straw when I posted here. I realized a few months later it wouldn't work with the wife.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

"fraudulent post" :rofl: sidney is going to sue me. what a complete tool


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Graywolf2 said:


> I haven’t read every post and OP posted while I was writing this. It seems that after negations you came up with an agreement that gives her everything she wants. That will certainly teach her a lesson.
> 
> You need to file for divorce and make it clear why. Then it’s up to her to convince you not to. At least get something. Come up with a schedule. Get rid of the kids once a month or something.
> 
> ...


She wasn't getting any sex too.

She may be longing for sex too but "forget about grudges in our past and I am hot you should be too" attitude from her husband may have made her loose her hot really quick.

What do we know ? cobalt ain't saying and she isn't here too.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



SweetAndSour said:


> She wasn't getting any sex too.
> 
> She may be longing for sex too but "forget about grudges in our past and I am hot you should be too" attitude from her husband may have made her loose her hot really quick.
> 
> What do we know ? cobalt ain't saying and she isn't here too.


Sure...I said it many times. I listened to her grudges, she even told me they were irrational to have at this point but didn't want to see a therapist because she "didn't have time" and she said she is low libido, possibly from Prozac, I don't know


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Sure...I said it many times. I listened to her grudges, she even told me they were irrational to have at this point but didn't want to see a therapist because she "didn't have time" and she said she is low libido, possibly from Prozac, I don't know


Again, explain grudges.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> Sure...I said it many times. I listened to her grudges, she even told me they were irrational to have at this point but didn't want to see a therapist because she "didn't have time" and she said she is low libido, possibly from Prozac, I don't know


Why she is on prozac ?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



john117 said:


> Not all of us think it's wrong to have a PA / EA under those circumstances or ANY circumstances where one spouse goes out of their way to not meet the letter and the law of the marriage.


So affairs and cheating are good? No that idea is in direct conflict with integrity and character. If a relationship is so bad that deception and betrayal look like justified choices then dissoving the relationship needs to happen and then after that, date whoever. Even an agreement within the marriage is fine if both know what the deal is. But sneaking around is not fine. It's weird that this concept is even debated on here.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



DoF said:


> Blows my mind that women withhold intimacy from men......after all, its men's ultimate way to express love.


That is such a crock statement and I roll my eyes every time that I read or hear it said. If by intimacy you mean sex then not every man is having sex with a woman or even his wife for that matter just to express love. Sometimes he's doing it just for his own sexual gratification.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> stfu you moron  I posted that in November. I didn't start having feelings for another woman until January. My marital problems started long before November. I just reached my last straw when I posted here. I realized a few months later it wouldn't work with the wife.


This is super mature. If you act like this with your wife, no wonder she doesn't want you. You did her a favor by leaving. Good luck to her. 

You posted here to justify leaving your wife. We aren't giving you that justification because of the way you went about it. You cheated. Most of us don't care for that here. 

If you had just left your wife without this other woman involved, you would have been supported 100%. Withholding sex on purpose for long periods of time is WRONG in any marriage aside form medical concerns. You destroyed your character by finding another woman before leaving your wife.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

I have got to agree with what some of the others are saying here much to Cobalt's chagrin:


Cobalt and his wife (according to him) had an "ups and downs" type of marriage for 15 years with two kids in tow (who doesn't) - the main problem according to Cobalt has been his wife's lack of sex drive although there was a lot of kissing and cuddling and other displays of affection. In any case they managed to produce 2 kids and this managed to last for 15 years.


Despite trying to rectify this (not sure how) nothing seemed to work.


Cobalt met another woman and started an EA.


The woman didn't want to continue while Cobalt was still married.


Cobalt has decided to divorce his wife so that he can pursue the "new love of his life".


Cobalt has taken to swearing at (and name calling) anyone who disapproves. Not sure why. Immaturity, guilt ... ?

Pretty simple to see. Some will say divorce first and then do this. Others might say are you sure her sex drive problems cannot be fixed. And some are saying well done - no one deserves to be without sex so don't worry about marriage vows, at least you told her why you are leaving (without telling her about the EA and other woman part of course).

And of course everyone will have their own views on whats right and whats wrong and who the wronged party is here. I just think that you need to call things out as they are and not try and rewrite too much of marital history etc. One should wait until divorced before engaging in any affairs (emotional or physical) and we are now on the verge of what started out as an emotional affair about to go physical - and we are congratulating Cobalt about it. Great!


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

I can't wait to bang this broad :smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

You're doing fine Cobalt. Your wife is reaping what she sowed.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Cobalt said:


> I can't wait to bang this broad :smthumbup:


Ah! The sweet sound of true romance! Really can't understand why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



manfromlamancha said:


> Ah! The sweet sound of true romance! Really can't understand why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.


He's just saying anything to get a reaction now anyway. I'm surprised at other comments though. I didn't know some men from TAM would be virtual high fiving him while he's so proud to have an AP waiting for him.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're doing fine Cobalt. Your wife is reaping what she sowed.


Seriously? Do you think his new woman's H is getting what he deserves as well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



WorkingOnMe said:


> You're doing fine Cobalt. Your wife is reaping what she sowed.


We're both getting what we want 



manfromlamancha said:


> Ah! The sweet sound of true romance! Really can't understand why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.


I know :scratchhead: My new woman is pretty excited about it. I should post some of her texts so the old bags here can get whipped up in a frenzy 



Thundarr said:


> He's just saying anything to get a reaction now anyway. I'm surprised at other comments though. I didn't know some men from TAM would be virtual high fiving him while he's so proud to have an AP waiting for him.


The only guys who aren't, are the ones trying to act like white knights


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Thundarr said:


> He's just saying anything to get a reaction now anyway. I'm surprised at other comments though. I didn't know some men from TAM would be virtual high fiving him while he's so proud to have an AP waiting for him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I said that waiting until you have an affair partner before you divorce is a cowardly way to do it. That's just common sense to people in general. If you were too afraid to face life on your own just say so. Be proud and say I was scared until I had to backup plan rather than calling people white knights. The good news is maybe you passed your rationalization gene to your kids and they'll agree with you and they won't look back and judge. I wouldn't expect it though.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Thundarr said:


> I said that waiting until you have an affair partner before you divorce is a cowardly way to do it. That's just common sense to people in general. If you were too afraid to face life on your own just say so. Be proud and say I was scared until I had to backup plan rather than calling people who are emotionally stronger than you white knights. The good news is maybe you passed your rationalization gene to your kids and they'll agree with you and they won't look back and judge. I wouldn't expect it though.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Memes and insults? That's all you have? Good luck with your new woman and with your kids. You're going to need it.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



Thundarr said:


> Memes and insults? That's all you have? Good luck with your new woman and with your kids. You're going to need it.


ok....I will. Have fun here! :rofl:


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



manfromlamancha said:


> Ah! The sweet sound of true romance! Really can't understand why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.



That's the whole point of the LD mystery - someone willing to sacrifice the marriage in order to avoid sex. If that's the case don't get married pure and simple.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



Thundarr said:


> He's just saying anything to get a reaction now anyway. I'm surprised at other comments though. I didn't know some men from TAM would be virtual high fiving him while he's so proud to have an AP waiting for him.



When a marriage is obliterated by a unilateral decision having an AP waiting on the way from the courthouse or not is irrelevant. People should know what they're getting into and judging from Mrs. C's reaction she was hardly surprised or devastated. Having a ready OW waiting is irrelevant if the marriage was to be obliterated. 

A lot of advise in marital issues comes in the form of "give it time". Not lack of intimacy... That only gets worse with time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



john117 said:


> When a marriage is obliterated by a unilateral decision having an AP waiting on the way from the courthouse or not is irrelevant. People should know what they're getting into and judging from Mrs. C's reaction she was hardly surprised or devastated. Having a ready OW waiting is irrelevant if the marriage was to be obliterated.
> 
> A lot of advise in marital issues comes in the form of "give it time". Not lack of intimacy... That only gets worse with time.


If a marriage is obliterated then dissolve the marriage. That's very simple. Finish what you started before you start something else and dissolve it because was a bad marriage and was not working. A third person adds emotional dynamics so they are alway relevant. Especially considering human nature to rewrite history and rationalize. Hatred or disdain for spouses who deprive their partners of sex will not make that fact go away. It just makes baggage speak above logic.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Colbalt, I advise you to use the ignore function more and responses involving the F-bomb less. No point in getting banned over what some are saying about you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*

Thundarr, no disagreement. But you're talking to people who have pi$$ed away years, many years, on zombie marriages. Rubbing it in a bit will be little payback in the grand scheme of things. A lot more humane than what other, more devious TAM members (hi guys) are planning for example....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*



john117 said:


> Thundarr, no disagreement. But you're talking to people who have pi$$ed away years, many years, on zombie marriages. Rubbing it in a bit will be little payback in the grand scheme of things. A lot more humane than what other, more devious TAM members (hi guys) are planning for example....


Okay I get that. Some people deserve what they get when they've neglected their spouse for years. Of course in this case we read the story only after a third person was involved and we only see the story from the guy who was involved with a third person. Where's the credibility?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight toni...*

Based in the information presented we can interpret it in different ways. But believe me in the grand scheme of things he could have done much worse...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*



larry.gray said:


> Colbalt, I advise you to use the ignore function more and responses involving the F-bomb less. No point in getting banned over what some are saying about you.


Too late. Hope you cool off a bit and come back.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Can a "stay married until the kids leave" marriage ever work? (big fight tonight)*

Rude posts and baiting others...this thread is done.


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