# Advice for dealing with it alone.



## blas12345 (Nov 17, 2013)

So we've been together for 1 year and a half. This happened about 2 months ago now.

My problem is that I moved out to a different town so I could be with her - but we don't live together. I work as a freelance with my computer so leaving stuff behind was no big deal in the beginning.

However, now that infidelity happened, I found myself with almost no one but her at my reach in the process of dealing with it. All my friends and family are now far, and connecting with them via chat/skype is just not helpful to me.

This led me to something I am somehow regretting, but at the same time I'm not sure: I felt "forced" to forgive her way too quickly, because I was devastated, and I had no one close. Of course, she has genuinely regretted having done that and everything.

But the fact that she's been the only one to help me deal with it bothers me for maybe conditioning my reasoning in the process.

At the same time I believe the result would have been the same: yes we would still be together. But I feel like I needed that part of being "alone" and now I think it's too late to ask for it.

Because we moved on, but I can't stop having all the thoughts and feelings of anger, anxiety and sadness that all that bring now are fights resulting on talking about all the hurtful things that led to her cheating.

I have my life, my work, I do stuff for myself which is what keeps me stable and focused for most of the time. It's just these things I don't know how to deal with, given she's the only one I can talk to about. But each time we do, it ends up in a bad way. Sometimes we're together and I don't want to talk about it so all I do is stay completely blank and unresponsive for the entire time.

She's keeps pointing out that she's doing her best but at every fight she keeps saying is never going be enough (her own insecurity). But that's the present for me, which is "ok", I just keep being sad and worried about what happened in the past, and I keep recalling the exact moments in time of how it happened.

Thought of a therapist. But unfortunately it's something I can't afford at this moment.

So I have virtually "nobody", I haven't yet made any close friends in this town I can talk to about this sort of things, and I'm starting to worry for not ever being able to deal with this by myself, I'm afraid this will progressively ruin the second chance I gave her.

Any advice?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You've only known her for 18 months?

Are you two married? 


If you aren't married and have no kids, then I recommend you stiffen your spine. Drop her like a bad cold and find someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. 

Whatever reason she had for cheating is bogus. And if it happened this soon in a young relationship, you're in for a world of hurt in coming years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In order to help, we need some more information. We need some more information. Was it a one night stand? Former lover? Workplace romance? Obviously we don't want you to feel pressured to give us TMI, but some more facts will help us to help you.

Oh, yes. Sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

More info, why, for example with so little invested, would you want to take another chance with her. After all, she has prove she isn't that great.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You followed some good advice that's usually given, when considering relationship that was long distance, to move to own apartment and see how it goes. Doesn't look as though it went that well. Be grateful you have your own place and not on her lease, etc. You can cut ties and either settle down where you are, making new friends and building a life, or look around and see where you'd like to be, either back where you moved from or somewhere new. 

Personally, I'd be livid if I moved to be with someone and took the time to rent an apartment, etc. showed such a commitment to making a long term relationship, and they cheated. If she wasn't into you after you moved and made yourself available to spend more time with her physically, then she should have had a discussion with you about it. 

You did a reasonable thing, don't follow it up by doing anything unreasonable.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

blas12345 said:


> All my friends and family are now far, and connecting with them via chat/skype is just not helpful to me.


Strange. I'm (geographically) separated from my wife. She's 5,500 miles away. Skype and chat are all we have. Our marriage would not have survived without them. Why are you choosing to isolate yourself?



> So I have virtually "nobody", I haven't yet made any close friends in this town I can talk to about this sort of things, and I'm starting to worry for not ever being able to deal with this by myself, I'm afraid this will progressively ruin the second chance I gave her.
> 
> Any advice?


I've shifted countries several times in my life. It's hard for new friends to compare with the ones I've known for decades and grew up with. But you won't make close friends if you are not putting yourself out there. It's unhealthy at the best of times to have to rely on your SO for everything.

But these aren't the best of times. It would be helpful if you shared what happened; whatever you are comfortable sharing (it's anonymous after all)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother, you are never alone. People here can share with you whatever you need. We have been through this. For me, I was never alone. I always had God to turn to and I found the best wisdom in THE book. I also have about 6 good friends. My friends are friends, not acquaintances. They were there for me and I needed that.

A support group is very important. Do not let her disrespect of you dictate who you are. Your situation is not good and she had the power in your relationship. Getting your own apartment is a good thing.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Blas, 
Do you go out with your colleagues? They will also introduce you to their friends and this might broaden your circle of friends, some of whom you might develop companionship with. Also, how about trying this? Find Meetup Groups near you - Meetup


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## blas12345 (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi everyone, thank you for your responses.

To clarify, NO, we're not married. I know this is called "talk about marriage" but I didn't think that made any difference?

I did not include a lot of detail on the background story because I didn't think it would be that helpful to the actual problem I have which is the title of this thread. Also I don't like boring people with these long stories.

Our story started a year and a half ago, while I we were both on vacation. We spent 2 months and a half together in the beginning, then I had to go back to my hometown (very far away). So the earliest she could come visit me was 3 months later, then she stayed 3 weeks, and then I decided I could move out, 2 months later.

From there we killed the "long distance relationship" status, to become something much more normal to the point of not even moving together, because we didn't want to rush anything.

My background is that I work independently, I love what I do, and I spend countless hours on it. I have no schedule or rythm. I'm passionate for it, but horribly organized.

She on the other hand was a student, and just finished her studies to go on an internship. Relationship-wise, she always showed herself deeply in love with me, and that arised lots of questions to her regarding her own image and her social status compared to me. She has been very insecure about these things. She always had this feeling of not being good enough for me, because I have so much more life experience than her (I'm just one year older), I've matured so much earlier in life, and she could never understand very well how it was possible I was with her.

The truth is that I love her for complete different reasons than those she thinks are more important but she has a hard time being convinced about that.

So lots of standard insecurities here. Nothing out of this world. But definitely a big deal to her. The worst part is that she would never want to talk to me about it, because she believed I would run away if she insisted too much on her "own self esteem problems"

On my end, I was crazy full of work all these past months, and I didn't deal very well with it in terms of organization. So being locked up in my appartment for a few days led me to not pay as much attention to her as she was expecting, so she started depressing progressively fueled by the above mentioned insecurities and without me realizing, we started to become very distant.

I had to take two business trips in a month last september. One lasting 1 week and the other one 2 weeks. The week in between that I was in town, only made things worse, because a couple misunderstandings (she was already "mad" at me) led to almost not seeing each other, and then I had to be very far away (different country)

At this point, during her internship she met this guy, who started out as a friendly relationship but then the guy eventually fell in love with her. In the beginning she rejected him but as things got worse with me, she let him be his prince charming because she that was what she was not getting from me, and she needed it because she was terribly sad. She insists that she always loved me and that affair meant nothing but a temporary relief, she always wanted that guy to be me instead.

So while I was away, that affair progressed to 3 sexual encounters and going out a few other times.

Once I came back from the last business trip, it was like we were both ready to fix and rebuild everything that went wrong the past few months, we were so happy to see each other again and to finally have finished the stuff that was keeping me so busy.

But it was too late already. In an attempt to discover all the things that she'd talk with others but me, about her sadness, I read her cellphone messages and then found out about everything.

From that moment on, I felt so much pressure on me, for being so alone, for loving her so much and wanting to mend things, but at the same time I believe I had no other choice than forgive her quickly and move on, instead of just being completely alone and having no one to give me a hand dealing with it.

Therefore, here we are (read my first post to see what worries me today)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did you two ever talk, text, or email each other while you were away and she was dating this other guy? If not why not. 

If so, why didn't she tell you about this other guy?

And what about the other guy now? He didn't vanish off the surface of Earth right? 

Did he just bow out like a gentleman? Did he know she was supposed to be exclusive with someone (you)? 

Is he still a friend and confidant to your gf?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

blas, sorry to see you here under these circumstances. Fortunately for you, you two are not married. But the bottom line in all of this is that she was not mature enough to be with you and give it a legitimate go. That's how I see it. She was still in student mode, so she had that simpler life where she could pretty much do what she wanted when she wanted - especially being on an internship and not having any assignments due for classes. Work was very busy for you and you couldn't see her to the extent she wanted for a month or two in the meantime, she needed to find a substitute to fill the void. 

I'm here to tell you that do not expect life to get any easier for her if she can't remain faithful to you while you two are 1) only dating and 2) she was a student with very little actual responsibility. It does NOT get any easier after marriage. It gets a lot harder because there are even more things that will suck up your time. Caring for kids, taking them to their sporting events/activities, keeping/maintaining a house, work will get more involved the older you get and the higher you rise up the ladder, etc... 

You may not want to hear this, but you were given a gift. You just learned that you are dating the wrong person. She needs to fix a number of things about herself before she can have a serious, committed relationship. I'm sure you love her, but you know that you can find love with plenty of other women after her. 

I'd move on now - as painful as it is - and thank God (or whoever/whatever you believe in or don't believe in) that you did not get betrayed when you had assets and children with this woman. Good luck with whatever you decide regardless, but if I were you I'd move on. Hell, move back to your home where your family and friends are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is fixable. Couples counselling might help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> This is fixable. Couples counselling might help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This could be fixable, but why would the OP want to even take this risk? If he had kids with her and they shared assets, then maybe he could pursue it given their history. Considering they're only at the dating stage, chalk it up as her failing the interview, thank her for her interest, retain her info on file for 6months... NEXT!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

blas12345 said:


> In the beginning she rejected him but as things got worse with me, she let him be his prince charming because she that was what she was not getting from me, and she needed it because she was terribly sad. She insists that she always loved me and that affair meant nothing but a temporary relief, *she always wanted that guy to be me instead.*


Not the first time we've heard this or something like it. I suppose she says this to give you some comfort in some twisted way. 



> So while I was away, that affair progressed to 3 sexual encounters and going out a few other times.


Not marriage material. Move on.



> Once I came back from the last business trip, it was like we were both ready to fix and rebuild everything that went wrong the past few months, we were so happy to see each other again and to finally have finished the stuff that was keeping me so busy.
> 
> But it was too late already. In an attempt to discover all the things that she'd talk with others but me, about her sadness, I read her cellphone messages and then found out about everything.


So, she didn't confess. Had you not found out you would have lived in ignorance. 

*Not marriage material. Move on.
*


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This is fixable. Couples counselling might help.]


Fixable? Why bother? The world is full of wonderful, loyal women. 

"Hi honey! I've got some bad news and some good news. Bad news: I couldn't wait without your attention for a couple of weeks whilst you were away working and cheated. The good news: I wanted that guy I cheated with to be YOU!"

Is that remorse? OP deserves better.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

One piece of advice for the future with her---DO NOT GET MARRIED---spend your time with her, whatever you are comfortable with-----but DO NOT MAKE IT LEGAL

She is way to flighty, and her past, predicts her future---cuz I am sure what caused this problem---work for you, and her not speaking to you about what bothered her---WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, many times

As to whether you can handle your sub--conscious, and the visions of another man inside of her---that is something only you can figure out!!!!!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am a very boring person but I will chip in my 2 cents. Walk away from her.

You are not married and have no children, walk away and start a new life.


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## blas12345 (Nov 17, 2013)

Ok, response has been very clear. Leave her, move on, press the next button. However, I am under the following circumstances:

- What do I do with the "I still love her". I don't doubt she loves me regardless of being selfish and immature.

- I have already forgiven her, and expressed my will to move on together.

- Being even more alone in this city will make it probably worse than it already is. They speak FRENCH here that I'm still learning, so meeting new people is HARD, and making friends even MORE.

- She seems to have learned the lesson, and a constant reminder is the shame and guilt she is dealing with, which make her often cry and want to disappear completely.

What I am probably asking is why on Earth wouldn't I give a second chance to someone I love and has shown genuine remorse?

Yes, rebuilding trust takes time and it could still happen again, but I will never find out if I don't give her a chance - meanwhile, I'm still in love with her and I invested a lot into this relationship to go back now.

Granted, should this ever happen again, there will be no other chance.

Committing to something like marriage, having kids or sharing assets is out of question. I will need several years before anything like this can happen, specially after this.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Blas, why are you in this city? What's holding you there? From what I understood, you moved there for her. Your current line of work does not tether you to any one city or location. TBH, I think it adds even more insult to injury that not only did you move for her only to have her cheat on you, but she also inspired you to move to a location where you will be naturally ostracized because you don't speak French. From what I understand, French speakers are the least forgiving lot when it comes to communication because they 1) think their language is the best so do not want to speak anything else and 2) tend to have this clique mentality amongst themselves since they have an air of superiority when it comes to their culture. 

You can love someone and not end up with them. Sure it's painful but overtime you will find someone you can love just as much without the baggage that she is now bringing to this relationship. Now that you are in this French speaking city, you are eager to reconcile just as much because you want to at least not be alone plus she can help you with your French. That sounds like an unhealthy dependence on her more so than legitimate love IMHO. 

What is holding you to this city aside from a lease?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

blas12345 said:


> Ok, response has been very clear. Leave her, move on, press the next button. However, I am under the following circumstances:
> 
> - What do I do with the "I still love her". I don't doubt she loves me regardless of being selfish and immature.


No one expects you to turn off your feelings for her like a tap. 



> - I have already forgiven her, and expressed my will to move on together.


Perhaps you now realise this was a bit rash before you knew what you might have to go through. Plenty of people try to reconcile, with a lot more time invested in their relationships, but find they can't get past the betrayal. You're not alone if you feel that way. And you'll never know how you'll react until you're put in this horrible situation.



> - Being even more alone in this city will make it probably worse than it already is. They speak FRENCH here that I'm still learning, so meeting new people is HARD, and making friends even MORE.


Even Parisians with their reputation for rudeness will appreciate it if you at least try (even if your French is as bad as mine). Besides, you'll never improve if you don't get out there and speak with people. The only thing stopping you meeting new people is yourself.



> - She seems to have learned the lesson, and a constant reminder is the shame and guilt she is dealing with, which make her often cry and want to disappear completely.


This is the wrong way round. She chose to cheat. She chose to sleep with someone. It's HER job to worry about how she has hurt YOU. She should be doing whatever she can to make it up to you. That's the difference between remorse (her feeling sorry for hurting you) and guilt (her feeling sorry she got caught).

So, in answer to your question: You're not supposed to get through this alone. She is supposed to show you that she is indeed a worthy life partner and help you through the trauma she chose to bring into your lives.

(But, honestly, how on earth does she 'seem to have learned her lesson'?)



> Committing to something like marriage, having kids or sharing assets is out of question. I will need several years before anything like this can happen, specially after this.


Yes, it'll take from* two to five years* to learn to live with her infidelity. It's not an easy road by any means.


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## blas12345 (Nov 17, 2013)

thanks again for your replies. I'll try being more specific as I feel some information is necessary to keep going

see, here's the thing, I can't help thinking this was just product of her immaturity

I consider myself more adult than her, that is true, but I don't see why this couldn't be a life lesson just like many I had myself that made me better as a person.

That reasoning and the fact that I love her is what obviously kept the relationship going.

Now, a couple more details regarding my own situation:

- I moved from way too far, that is, a different continent. It was not only her the reason I did it, but also to seek better life opportunities in terms of work, as my home country is not going through the best of its times.
- So going back there is out of question as well. Of course, she was the primary motivation I did this, but I have enough personal reasons to stay even if I don't yet speak french that well. I've invested A LOT into making this happen. And I like it here.

So yeah, I end up feeling alone, with nobody I can talk to, except my own mind - which drives me nuts. I have a hard time getting in touch on sensitive topics like these with facing the long distance from my people. They are far, they have their own lives, and a computer just doesn't have the same effect. I tried.

So here goes the question again... should I just keep focusing on my personal interests, keep the relationship going, and not do much more about this or is there anything -given my sitiuation- I can actually do to relief the "unstability" I'm going through.


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