# Lost and need some advice



## CLSBlue (Jan 12, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and were together for 3 before then. We have an 8 year old and 2 1/2 year old. I think this is the end but I'm not sure.

We've never had a great relationship. In the beginning it was volatile then we had a baby and it wasn't as bad. Sex nearly stopped. We'd go as long as 6 months without it but it averages out to every 6-8 weeks. He became distant. We argued. He would avoid me whenever he could. He wound avoid our daughter. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I asked him if it was me and he said no. I got depressed and gained 70 lbs. Things were pretty bad and I told him I didn't know how to fix things between us. I asked him to go to a counselor with me but he refused. He said I could go if I needed it but he wasn't interested. I threatened to divorce him and he said he'd change. Things got better for a few months but went back into the old routine. 

Then I lost 50 lbs, sex picked back up and baby #2 comes along. Sex went back to every 6-8 weeks and he became distant again. I told him I wasn't happy with us and asked him to go to counseling a second time. It was the same answer as the first time. He said he would change but no counseling. I had a 1 1/2 year old at the time so I stuck around thinking it'd get better. 

To be honest this time he's done much better. He's actually doing a great job with our girls, they love him to death and it actually seems like he loves them for the first time. He's even been more affectionate to me which is super surprising. Still no improvement on sex, but he's trying. He even seems fully committed to our relationship for the first time ever. The problem is that I think it's too late. I've tried to keep us together for the last 10 years but I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore. I don't want to come home after work. I don't want to be around him. It seems like everything he does annoys me and when he tells me he loves me there nothing there. I don't think I love him anymore but I have no idea what to do. I've always been the one to try to hold us together but I don't even want to try anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m sorry you are going through this. There are thing that might help you to fix this. If you are willing to try, there are some ideas.

This web page might help you get some perspective.
Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

There are two books that I have helped a lot of people in your situation. 
“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” .. both by Dr. Harley
My suggestion is that you read the books. Then ask your husband to read them and do the work they layout with you. The books explain how a marriage gets to the point you are at and how to rebuild the marriage.

On a positive note. A study was done where they followed couples for several years. These were couples who originally self-reported as very unhappy. After five year they were again asked about the status of their marriage. 85% of the couples reported that they were very happy in their marriage. It is completely possible to turn your marriage around.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

CLSBlue said:


> I threatened to divorce him and he said he'd change. Things got better for a few months but went back into the old routine.
> 
> It was the same answer as the first time. He said he would change but no counseling. I had a 1 1/2 year old at the time so I stuck around thinking it'd get better.
> 
> He even seems fully committed to our relationship for the first time ever. The problem is that I think it's too late.


There were some great threads about walk-away-wives running here a couple of weeks ago. They will SURELY help you. You are a classic case...

No, wait. DANG! Those turned into gender wars as they always do. So nobody but me knows this is a TEXTBOOK WAW!

Married 7 years (that's not even a cliche any more), so he's...early 30's?

Do him a favor: Leave him.

I was your husband (different push-away triggers, but same type scenario. They're ALL the same type of scenario). You are my wife. I lived for 10-15 YEARS with my wife after she fell out of love with me, not even knowing it happened. I dragged it out of her by accident when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my marriage. 

But like you, she was already gone. Has not come back and I don't plan on her coming back (we are still married and living together). YOU won't come back. Please ignore all of these posters advice that say it is possible. It's not. You will waste a LOT of time, trouble, money and pain trying to fix this. 

I was 50 when I found out. 3 kids. One in college two soon behind. Underwater in my house. No place to go. It was too late for me.

Leave him. For HIM. It would have DESTROYED me 20 years ago. But I'd be happy now. With a new wife or with not. Now, I need to go to bed every night next to a woman who turns her back to me immediately upon going to bed and jumps out at first chance in the morning. It kills me a little every time.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

CLSBlue said:


> My husband and I have been married for 7 years and were together for 3 before then. We have an 8 year old and 2 1/2 year old. I think this is the end but I'm not sure.
> 
> We've never had a great relationship. In the beginning it was volatile then we had a baby and it wasn't as bad. Sex nearly stopped. We'd go as long as 6 months without it but it averages out to every 6-8 weeks. He became distant. We argued. He would avoid me whenever he could. He wound avoid our daughter. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I asked him if it was me and he said no. I got depressed and gained 70 lbs. Things were pretty bad and I told him I didn't know how to fix things between us. I asked him to go to a counselor with me but he refused. He said I could go if I needed it but he wasn't interested. I threatened to divorce him and he said he'd change. Things got better for a few months but went back into the old routine.
> 
> ...


Give up the mindset that you are the one that has to keep the pieces of the relationship in tact. 










Relationships take the efforts of two individuals. Not twice the effort from one individual. They are voluntary. A marriage may stay in one piece by using a straight jacket or via magnetic attraction. I think the latter is a lot easier. Individuals focus too much energy on what their partner should be doing and what it is that their partner does wrong, instead of just loving. Do what you did when the relationship was like magic. If he doesn't join you in the bliss, then what are you really fighting for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print this out, fill it out, and hand it to him. Tell him you're going to start going to therapy, and you don't know where it's going to lead you - staying or leaving - but this (the questionnaire) will tell him what's wrong. Tell him if he's interested in staying married, he should probably read it and see what he wants to do about what he discovers in it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/Love_Busters_Q_Hers.pdf


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