# I think my husband and mother-in-law are TOO close



## LittleParachute

Hi everyone, I have an issue for a very long time and finally decide to speak it out and seek for help. 

I've been with my husband for six years and married for two years. No child but it's all doing well between us. We met when we were teenagers and deeply love each other. Here comes the problem, although my husband is a good guy, I couldn't help thinking he and his mother are a bit TOO close -- considering he's an grownup and married man. 

Before I put that ring on, everyone was telling me to reconsider it -- for all my family and friends were worrying about his intimacy with his mother. Back then I just thought they were making assumptions based on his family background (I try to keep information about his family private even I'm posting this anonymously, for I feel this obligations to respect his privacy). 

Anyhow, I was young and did not really understand what it meant when people said "you marry a man, you marry his whole family." Well now I learned and turned out my family and friends were probably right. The first clue was physical touching. There was this time when we visited my mother in law, she groomed his back and then lay on his back and put her arms around his neck as if he was carrying her. Another time she lay on his legs and groomed his thighs while they were chatting. All of these happened so spontaneously and right in front of my face! She even was looking at me in the eyes and smiling at me while she was lying on his thighs, and I was sitting away from them! 

This is just a beginning. My husband doesn't like to close the door of bathroom when he's using it. I'm fine with that at our own house but he doesn't close it either at his mother's. And when his mother walks around she can clearly see everything! I talked to him about this the first time I saw it then he started to close the door. Here comes the climax, when he closed the door of the bathroom, my mother in law opened it by herself!! Right in front of me! After I said it was inappropriate to keep the door open! She opened the door and insisted on letting it open! I didn't confront with her because I wanted to show respect to seniors but I did talk to my husband again. Actually he didn't and still doesn't think this is an issue and considers it's normal because she's his mother. I didn't even know how to argue because frankly I couldn't follow this logic. I thought it was common sense for an adult married man to close the door when he's using bathroom when his mother (regardless sexuality and especially both of them are heterosexual in this case) was around. 

There were also times that she changed in front of us (my husband and I) with only a bra and panties on. There are more things like these but I'll just stop here. I've talked to him and he is trying to make a change, but he makes it explicit that he doesn't think these things are inappropriate. As for his mother, I think it would be rude of me to directly talk to her about this problem and my husband apparently won't talk to her, so she's keeping doing these. I'm trying to interpret these things in the nicest way as I can. I try to convince myself it's just she's of a different generation and we have this gap. But well, since I'm here seeking for help, I guess I can't just let it go. 

It makes me sick and I feel embarrassed to talk to people about it so I'm here. It feels better just to type it out. I appreciate your time to read this. Wish everyone here in this forum a happy relationship.


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## jorgegene

Maybe in some alternate universe, or strange culture that we don't comprehend, but in all cutures I am familiar with (I've lived on three continents, various countries) this behavior is about beyond odd.


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## no name

Hello! Could thereof been something that happened whilst he was growing up that brought their bond to this point? Where's the father in law in all this? What do you mean by ' grooming' , cleaning his back ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spicy

Yep, that's bizarre to me.

Can you explain to me what you mean by her grooming his thighs? I'm not familiar with that term, but it is creeping me out. 

I have girls, and I am an only child, and we are all far from prude, so changing in front of each other is common, as it was and still is with me and my mom. We are all women though! BIIIGGG difference. I know many wouldn't be comfortable with that either, and I would respect that opinion. 

I would have never done those things with my dad! If my husbands mom ever did anything remotely like you described he would so totally flip out. He won't even kiss her on the cheek, and he hates it when she kisses him on the cheek.

So you are far from wrong, your feelings are very justified. 

It's time to drop a little bit of that respect for your Mother in Law...she isn't respecting you at all. I would choose my words carefully....

"I know you and my husband have a very close relationship. I mean no disrespect to you, but I am often uncomfortable with your level of intimacy with him. Changing in front of him, opening the door when he is going to the bathroom etc. I need no explanation for why you do these things, but I need you to know they make me very uncomfortable. It is hard for me to say that to you, but I know how important your sons happiness is to you, and this is aversely affecting our marriage. I hope you can respect my request for those actions to stop."

Is she going to react well? Hell no. She's gonna be mad most likely...but she will have to think about it. Whatever she says, I would just keep repeating, "I respect your opinion on that, and I hope you can respect mine too."

We wish you much happiness too sweetheart!


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## Blondilocks

Yep, it's odd. His mother views you as competition. My husband's mother did some things that made us raise our eyebrows and her husband's eyebrows! But, everyone's response was "That's just Mom". Translation: she's looney-tunes.

Carry your phone and start recording her in these acts. Ask her if she'd like you to post pictures of her in her bra & panties on Facebook. Your husband will resist thinking his mom is behaving inappropriately because she is his mom. And, he doesn't want to feel like a pervert. Approach it by stating that it makes you uncomfortable as you are accustomed to elders behaving more modestly.

Doesn't he know how to lock a bathroom door?


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## LittleParachute

Thank you all for the replies, especially thanks for confirming that the whole thing IS strange and I'm not too sensitive and petty. 

I apologize for the confusion caused by word-choice. Pardon my foreign language. I was meaning caressing or stroking but somehow I misused grooming... Silly me lol 

No name: The father in law got remarried. My mother-in-law's husband usually was at work when she asked us to visit. Even he was at home he often stayed in another room to leave my husband and mother-in-law alone. I guess being the only child of his mother might contribute to making it to this point but I'm also an only child and my dad didn't, doesn't and won't do such things? When we were newly married she told me about how she took good care of her ex-in-laws like a servant. I wonder if those experiences affects her perspective as an in-law. 

Spicy: thank you so much for the advice. Yes it's the same in my culture people are okay with same-sex people changing in front of each other. And? yes it'll be a huge difference when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm glad to know I'm not being too sensitive. I'm totally fine with my husband and his mother having appropriate physical contact. It's just the way that she stroked him seemed too romantic and that was creepy. I know it may sound irrational but I feel like a wife can sense whether it's romantic or just normal touching. Thank you for encouraging me. I'll defend my marriage next time she opens the door again. It takes courage for sure and I'm worried about how my husband will react if I talk to her but I guess it's just something I have to deal with sooner or later. 

Blondilocks: good question! I'll ask my husband to lock the door! (Well hopefully there is one and how could I not think of that?)


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## bandit.45

Ick.


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## frusdil

Your MIL strokes your husbands thighs??? 

:wtf:

Seriously??? That is BEYOND inappropriate, that's just f'n creepy!

The thing is, if she's doing this stuff in her house, you can't say anything to her about it (ok, except the thigh stroking...)

If she opens the bathroom door at your house, or walks around in her undies etc. you can ask her to go somewhere private to change and tell her you want the bathroom door closed when someone is in there. But you can't do that in her house.

I don't know hun, this is so creepy and weird...eek!


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## Good Guy

I consider myself close to my mother but that kind of stuff is definitely abnormal and creepy.


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## soccermom2three

It's inappropriate. I would have him read this thread so he gets it.


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## Blondilocks

"When we were newly married she told me about how she took good care of her ex-in-laws like a servant."

If she should bring this up again, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that won't be happening because she doesn't show you respect.


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## Cooper

Yuk....beyond yuk...very distributing, very creepy.

Personally I couldn't imagine sitting there and watching that, next time they cuddle up I suggest you walk over and hand your MIL your wedding band, tell them they make a nice couple and never ever look back.


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## candle100

No, it would not be rude of you to tell your MIL how you feel. A mother loves her son is normal. I guess it's fine if they are comfortable doing it and cause no harm to others, but you definitely have the right to discuss it with both of them if it bothers you. I saw a father kissed a son lip to lip and I thought that was odd enough, but your MIL and Dh are different too.


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## EunuchMonk

candle100 said:


> No, it would not be rude of you to tell your MIL how you feel. A mother loves her son is normal. I guess it's fine if they are comfortable doing it and cause no harm to others, but you definitely have the right to discuss it with both of them if it bothers you. *I saw a father kissed a son lip to lip and I thought that was odd enough*, but your MIL and Dh are different too.


Will Smith and Jaden?


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## Cooper

candle100 said:


> No, it would not be rude of you to tell your MIL how you feel. A mother loves her son is normal. I guess it's fine if they are comfortable doing it and cause no harm to others, but you definitely have the right to discuss it with both of them if it bothers you. I saw a father kissed a son lip to lip and I thought that was odd enough, but your MIL and Dh are different too.


When I was young I hung out with some Italian brothers, big tough kids from a big loud Italian family. Right up thru high school their dad kissed them on the lips, freaked me out at first but I got use to it. But I think that was different than what the OP's MIL is doing, the MIL is sharing on going physical intimacy with her son, laying in the sons lap caressing his legs is over the line IMO, not healthy.


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## NobodySpecial

candle100 said:


> No, it would not be rude of you to tell your MIL how you feel. A mother loves her son is normal. I guess it's fine if they are comfortable doing it and cause no harm to others, but you definitely have the right to discuss it with both of them if it bothers you. I saw a father kissed a son lip to lip and I thought that was odd enough, but your MIL and Dh are different too.


It seems to me that DH should be doing that. Mom, it is pretty inappropriate for you to be stroking my thigh, chest, hair... please stop.


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## KillerClown

I'm going to point out the giant pink elephant with polka dots in the room. LP, do you think your husband had *ahem* inappropriate relationship with MIL?


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## bluezone

LittleParachute said:


> There was this time when we visited my mother in law, she groomed his back and then lay on his back and put her arms around his neck as if he was carrying her. Another time she lay on his legs and groomed his thighs while they were chatting. All of these happened so spontaneously and right in front of my face! She even was looking at me in the eyes and smiling at me while she was lying on his thighs, and I was sitting away from them!


*UM....EEEEEWWWWWW!!!*



LittleParachute said:


> This is just a beginning. My husband doesn't like to close the door of bathroom when he's using it. I'm fine with that at our own house but he doesn't close it either at his mother's. And when his mother walks around she can clearly see everything! I talked to him about this the first time I saw it then he started to close the door. Here comes the climax, when he closed the door of the bathroom, my mother in law opened it by herself!! Right in front of me! After I said it was inappropriate to keep the door open! She opened the door and insisted on letting it open! I didn't confront with her because I wanted to show respect to seniors but I did talk to my husband again. Actually he didn't and still doesn't think this is an issue and considers it's normal because she's his mother.


*DOUBLE EEEEEWWWW!!!!*



LittleParachute said:


> There were also times that she changed in front of us (my husband and I) with only a bra and panties on.


This behavior of your MIL and your husband's "being perfectly OK with it" are very disturbing. Can you guys go to marriage counseling to discuss this? The stroking of the thighs is really creepy, almost incestuous. Plus it seems by your post that there are more equally creepy scenarios you haven't shared with us. 

I think your feelings are dead on. Most if not all wives would be creeped out by this...not only by your MIL's behavior but by the fact that your H seems totally ok with all of this....and you are made to feel like you're the one who's being ridiculous???!

I would love to find out WHY your FIL remarried. Perhaps he too was creeped out by your MIL and your H's relationship....?


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## the2ofus

frusdil said:


> Your MIL strokes your husbands thighs???
> 
> :wtf:
> 
> Seriously??? That is BEYOND inappropriate, that's just f'n creepy!
> *
> The thing is, if she's doing this stuff in her house, you can't say anything to her about it* (ok, except the thigh stroking...)
> 
> If she opens the bathroom door at your house, or walks around in her undies etc. you can ask her to go somewhere private to change and tell her you want the bathroom door closed when someone is in there. * But you can't do that in her house.*
> 
> I don't know hun, this is so creepy and weird...eek!


To the bold why can't you say something. You have a right to privacy in the bathroom even in someone else's house. You still have the right to respect. Whose house it is just varies how you enforce that boundary IMO. 

We've dealt with two sets of parents with no respect for our boundaries, deal with it, it only gets worse as time goes.


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## jimrich

I see insecurity and JEALOUSY as your basic problem here. Unless there is blatant sexual boundary crossings, I see no problem with anything you've mentioned other than your own insecurity and personal expectations for the behavior of others. Your standards are your standards but do not need to be the standards of everybody else. I lived in a few foreign countries and saw things that were normal for others but "bothered" me - until I realized that my standards are not UNIVERSAL nor even RIGHT. So, I got over my touchy, jealous reactions and did as the natives do!


LittleParachute said:


> I couldn't help thinking he and his mother are a bit TOO close -- considering he's an grownup and married man.


 Or is it your own jealousy popping up?



> Anyhow, I was young and did not really understand what it meant when people said "you marry a man, you marry his whole family."


It should read: when you marry someone, you ACCEPT them as they ARE!



> Well now I learned and turned out my family and friends were probably right. The first clue was physical touching. There was this time when we visited my mother in law, she groomed his back and then lay on his back and put her arms around his neck as if he was carrying her.


Which INFLAMED your insecurities and jealousy!



> Another time she lay on his legs and groomed his thighs while they were chatting. All of these happened so spontaneously and right in front of my face! She even was looking at me in the eyes and smiling at me while she was lying on his thighs, and I was sitting away from them!


I'm guessing that he "smile" was telling you that there is NO sexual side to what they were doing but your uptight, puritanical conditioning just couldn't handle it. 



> My husband doesn't like to close the door of bathroom when he's using it. I'm fine with that at our own house but he doesn't close it either at his mother's. And when his mother walks around she can clearly see everything! I talked to him about this the first time I saw it then he started to close the door. Here comes the climax, when he closed the door of the bathroom, my mother in law opened it by herself!! Right in front of me! After I said it was inappropriate to keep the door open! She opened the door and insisted on letting it open!


Sorry but you whole story is simply about your "values" vs. the values of others and you either need to accept your husband's values, work very hard to change him or get a divorce and go find someone who fits your values and needs. I'm guessing you will try to change him to fit in with your values.
Good luck!


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