# even though its my fault-tell me why im still home and havent left.



## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

married 15 yrs-2 kids 13 and 8

its all my doing-i cyber cheated[emails expressing sexual desires with other people-although never met anyone] and was caught-6 yrs ago-promised i wouldnt do it again-and i did-a year and a half ago.

her biggest issue-when i touch her-the emails of things i wanted to do with other people pop in her head-but i never wanted anyone else

i am in therapy today-and i was in therapy last winter but stopped-but lied to my wife and told her i was still going and she found out-and that wasnt good-i shouldnt have done that but knew she would react poorly if she thought i stopped-so i let her think i was going.

we went until july of 2008 when after an argument she said she it was over-she wasnt in love with me-took off her ring and stopped all physical and loving contact with me.she said she was trying the past year but could not trust me-and its no marriage doing what i was doing

i love her-she is part of me-i cant imagine being with anyone else-i love her so much and cant believe or forgive myself for what i did.i want her back and she knows it

i was and am devestated but i caused it

but-but-but

on july 12 we were having great sex like we always have-then 6 days later she wouldnt let me touch her and still til this day-nothing new happened in those days-it seems so calculated

she doesnt want a divorce-she doesnt want me to leave she says-but she wants to be separate in the same house

we always went dancing on sat nites-club dancing-she has been doing it with a couple of girlfriends the last 3 and half months-without me

she goes out looking like a playboy playmate-which she could be-even at her age-im 48 and shes 48.its like shes rubbing my nose in it

yesterday we were shopping and she bought a sexy ed hardy top-she asked me if i liked it-and then when we got home she tried it on and asked me how it looked-great of course
but shes going to wear it without me-again like shes rubbing my nose in it

and always talking right in front of me with her girlfriends about going out

after 3 and a half months she says she still doesnt feel it for me-its been longer than that since she hasnt felt the same

she says she still needs time
i need to let her heal

all week we act like a family hanging together-but without any affection-if i go to touch her its only me doing it-she wont hold my hand-wont let me kiss her-ive known her for 18 yrs

all week together but if i ask her if she wants to go out with me dancing its noooooo-im not ready for that yet
i get-"i just want to be with my friends"-even though alot of the time they are off with other guys or they are with their husbands or boyfriends and shes left alone

i always thought she didnt have as good a time without me but now im not sure

she lost alot of weight lately and looks better than ever and im getting the feeling that after this long she just wants to go out and get the attention which she wouldnt get if she were with me-its like she doesnt want to be seen as a couple with me yet
like this friday-halloween-we always dress up and go out and this is the first time in 18 yrs she wont be with me--ohh but shes getting dressed up in her sexy cat outfit and is going without me-and she looks hot-again like she wants to be alone and not be seen with me

shes very into herself these days
i say-how can she love me and do the things shes doing and say some of the things she says to me

i mean im so depressed about this but she seems to be having no problem with the situation or is acting like it

its like she wants me to except the way things are but living like this is not a marraige either-she has to decide to forgive me and move on or tell me she cant and lets get a divorce
she says she doesnt know what she wants

after 3 months she has no idea

i am starting to feel like she only wants me there to help with our kids who are at those crazy ages where they battle alot and also just to pay all the bills because my wife only works part time

she says if i cant deal with it the way it is then i should leave but if i infer that i may she says just give me time-give me time-and acts like she doesnt want me to go

although its been 3 and a half months i havent done anything in a year and a half-is she going to punish me the rest of my life

it almost seems like she is going to forgive-and actually has a timetable to do it-if she loved me-just do it
she says she doesnt want to date other people and is not looking for anything when she goes out-which i believe

she cant or wont show me any affection
should i leave-if only for a few days tolet her see what its like without me there-i dont want to but maybe its the only way
she always accused me of wanting my cake and eating it to but isnt that what shes doing know

i know i may have blown it-i hope not-but should i stay and deal with it for a longer period-i dont know-i guess she has but its getting hard to take the lack of feeling and emotion towards me

do i want to live with someone who doesnt love me-everyone deserves to be loved-or is she just giving back what i gave her

help-even though she says give me time it doesnt seem like thats going to make a difference unless she decides to make the decision that she loves me and WANTS to do it-maybe she just doesnt love me-when i ask her i get silence-but if she can never love me and be a wife to me she needs to communicate that as well


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i think she's afraid to let go of a sure thing...and you sound like a sure thing...to her...

can she be sure that you are a sure thing...i mean, what keeps her from thinking that the next time you walk out the door, it won't be the last time????

just thinking...

take care of your relationship...the reason she doesn't fear you "giving up" is because your word is dirt right now...she wouldn't believe you if you said "i give up, goodbye" because she knows you won't stick to your word...know what i mean???

she's so holding you over your head...my opinion...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OK, as you know, I have read all your threads. Ignore what I said in PMs, I have a new take...

I can only tell you what I would do. The only trouble is, you are not me.

You have indicated that whenever you mention quitting, she says give me time. What this shows is that an ultimatum will have a good chance of working. I told my wife about your case, and she said "she is milking it"! She was referring to the "give me more time" above, and also the business of her showing you her sexy new night-club cloths.

The thing about giving an ultimatum, especially if you are a weak person, (and you are weak because you have lied to her on several occasions), is that it takes so much spirit, it almost would seem out of character for you.

So first of all, no more Mr. Weak guy. So you need to dig down deep and find an inner strength. All her actions show she is testing your firmness. I think she would actually be thrilled to see a bit of backbone. You lied about continuing to go to counselling because you were to weak to tell her you quit, and why you quit. So you went for the quiet life weak option, and it turned out not to be so quiet after all.

Speak to your therapist about your backbone issues - see if you can gain some insight. 

Once you have the inner strength, the next part is easier. This would be my speech - but I would put certain things in place first before making it, just in case she called my bluff.

"Honey, I know it was me who screwed up, but I can't take your harsh treatment longer. Unless you want to get back to normal starting from today, I am XYZing. I'm going out for a walk now, and when I come back, you can give me your answer"

XYZ being the threat of divorce separation or moving out etc.

Always make the ultimatum a very few words long. Two or three sentences. So you need to spend a long time getting the wording just right - punchy but reasonable. Then, if she buckles, press home your advantage, do not weaken - go in even harder.

Once you are in, you need to make certain promises - but you had better not make them if you are not going to keep them. After that, if the intimacy does not start back soon, you need to be making another FINAL ultimatum.

As this carries a risk of not going your way, you need to take certain measures before you issue the ultimatum. You need to have your own bank account, you need to have somwhere to go. Basically you need to be ready to be told to get lost.

Not only that, but you need to be cool about starting a new life if you have too. Your statement:



> i love her-she is part of me-i cant imagine being with anyone else-i love her so much and cant believe or forgive myself for what i did.i want her back and she knows it


is touching, but it robs you of all power. You feel powerless, you sound powerless. Do you think she finds that sexy? Will any woman?

You need to change your state of mind. If I were in your position, I would be working on my mind. Everything is in the MIND. Start imagining what a new life would be like with a woman that was your equal. I know that seems a crazy thought now, but without this mindset your ultimatum will be hollow.

I'll tell you a secret:

When your mind is really really made up, she will know it, before you even open your mouth. However most people can't obtain that level of self actualisation so easily, so the trick of the ultimatum is needed. It's as much about convincing themselves as it is the other person.


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

now i have indicated to her on more than one occasion that i am not going to settle for this kind of marriage for an extended period of time-

ive gotten advice from here and elsewhere that she deserves time-alot if need be-so i have told her that she eventually has to decide if she wants to work it out and try-or definitely split and start a divorce-

she said she knows but to give her time

well its been over 3 months now that she started this cold war-even though what i did was a year and a half ago 
is it unreasonable to think she has some idea if she wants to work it out or not at this point

i have not given her a time or date i need to know as of yet-maybe i should.my wife does not react well to being pressured and gets gets angry when cornered

she never wants to talk about us- always gets mad when i do-

lets face it-she doesnt love me anymore for the way i cyber cheated on her-with a pic of my genitals i sent to someone-she doesnt doesnt feel it she says-it hasnt been just thse 31/2 months-she fell out of love with me months before

so i dont know whats going to change her feeling-
she doesnt seem to want to change it at this point
she doesnt or cant seem to want to try yet
why does she want to stay like this
no closeness,no sex-and she not getting it anywhere else.
right now she is treating me like a person she doesnt love

im just about ready to go though because she has no emotion around me anymore-no excitement

she blames me for all her feelings or lack of them because of what i did-she trusted me and i betrayed it not once but twice
and it had to be sex stuff-which now when i touch her all she thinks about is how i wrote i wanted to be with other people,women,couples-and the pic of me 

can i really blame her

the only reason shes in this is financial security-i mean thats all it can be right?if she doesnt love me-she only works part time whle i pay all the bills-house-cars-insurance-etc

plus we have two great kids boy 13 girl 8 who i am close to and i need them,they need me-and she needs help with because they can get crazy

my wife has become high strung over the past 7-8 yrs-she has had alot of loss in her family in those years-but has changed and is the type that when accused of something she gets angry and if u give her an ultimatum i know she will ignore it saying that if i cant live this way then go -and maybe now i should

although its hard leaving those kids-and her-but maybe she needs to see what its like without me there for a while-maybe that will be the ultimatum-me leaving


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lmh11706 said:


> although its hard leaving those kids-and her-but maybe she needs to see what its like without me there for a while-maybe that will be the ultimatum-me leaving


If you leave and say nothing - that's not an ultimatum.

If you get everything in place so you can leave, and then say you are about to go (and why) - then that is an ultimatum. It gives her a chance to respond.

The beauty of your situation is that you are nearly on the verge of leaving anyway. It is pointless to try to foist discussion on her - she will not come to the negotiation table. This is about being your own man. Making your own decisions.


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

i do have a place to go-unfortunately its back to my parents house where i grew up which stinks-even at my age i wouldnt have as much freedom there-but im not able to pay to rent a place for me and also pay the mortgage and i cant let my children go homeless

if i could get a place of my own-like my own apartment i would have left already-somewhere i could do my own thing

so its either my parents for a while-which even my wife says-i shouldnt go because my mother would drive me crazy-another way she gets me to stay- or stay home and wait it out


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