# 9 Things You Need to Know About Infidelity



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

9 Things You Need to Know About Infidelity

From the article:

*"The biggest reason for cheating on a mate is a lack of emotional connection or feeling appreciated by their partner. According to relationship therapist Bree Maresca-Kramer, trouble starts when a couple stops meeting each other's needs, stops talking about things that matter and get distracted by daily schedules, work or business. "They stop trying. It almost becomes a business relationship."
*
*
"The most important thing to remember if your partner strays is that they made a really bad decision — and you didn’t. Instead of blaming yourself for their betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize the infidelity or other betrayal had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their poor choice. Trouble in the relationship? They could have come to you instead of turning to someone else."*

*"How do you know if they'll cheat again? How remorseful the guilty party is will give you a big clue about the future. If the person expresses real remorse and takes full responsibility for their actions, studies say they are less likely to embark on this destructive behavior again. One should be worried about the cheater who makes excuses for their behavior, or isn’t apologetic."*


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I read that article. I totally agree with it. I truly believe that in order to feel loved one must feel appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I read that article. I totally agree with it. I truly believe that in order to feel loved one must feel appreciated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah...sometimes that gets lost in the day to day drudgery of living...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think one of the biggest differences between WS and BS in most relationships is the need for external validation.

WS seem to be much more needy in terms of hearing validation and praise then the BS partner.

Everyone enjoys being recognized, but BS do not seem to need it to be OK. They will continue to do the right thing even if they are not having this praise/recognition often.

WS seem to break as people if they are not getting these things, and they will go off and betray their vows and their partners to get those expressions.

I'm sure there are exceptions to these stereotypes, but we see them far too often in these threads to deny that they are generally true.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> :iagree:
> WS seem to be much more needy in terms of hearing validation and praise then the BS partner.
> 
> Everyone enjoys being recognized, but BS do not seem to need it to be OK. They will continue to do the right thing even if they are not having this praise/recognition often.
> ...


:iagree: Their need for external validation is pathological...sad and infuritating at the same time.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I think one of the biggest differences between WS and BS in most relationships is the need for external validation.
> 
> WS seem to be much more needy in terms of hearing validation and praise then the BS partner.
> 
> ...


:lol::iagree:


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Dyokemm said:


> Everyone enjoys being recognized, but BS do not seem to need it to be OK. They will continue to do the right thing even if they are not having this praise/recognition often..


One that has troubled me... Sort of a chicken and the egg thing. I am a BH. I know I praised and validated my wife all the time. Told her how beautiful she was, praised her for work accomplishments, etc. She enjoyed this and liked being set apart and special. I suspect I set that bar pretty high for what she believed she needed to feel. I did it because that is what I thought you are supposed to do for the people you love. Make them feel special and sought out opportunities to do so.

So didn’t I really set her expectation levels for her? And well, as the marriage ages, kids pop in, mortgage, careers, etc. The words lost emotional meaning behind them when they were said so often. Might have the same emotional impact as saying “Hello dear”. She expected it. 

And the way she treated me. She set it pretty low. I didn’t need that much because I wasn’t used to getting much.

So we sort of trained each other to be that way.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Racer said:


> One that has troubled me... Sort of a chicken and the egg thing. I am a BH. I know I praised and validated my wife all the time. Told her how beautiful she was, praised her for work accomplishments, etc. She enjoyed this and liked being set apart and special. I suspect I set that bar pretty high for what she believed she needed to feel. I did it because that is what I thought you are supposed to do for the people you love. Make them feel special and sought out opportunities to do so.
> 
> So didn’t I really set her expectation levels for her? And well, as the marriage ages, kids pop in, mortgage, careers, etc. The words lost emotional meaning behind them when they were said so often. Might have the same emotional impact as saying “Hello dear”. She expected it.
> 
> ...


How is your marriage today?


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## Stalin12 (Jul 26, 2013)

Racer said:


> One that has troubled me... Sort of a chicken and the egg thing. I am a BH. I know I praised and validated my wife all the time. Told her how beautiful she was, praised her for work accomplishments, etc. She enjoyed this and liked being set apart and special. I suspect I set that bar pretty high for what she believed she needed to feel. I did it because that is what I thought you are supposed to do for the people you love. Make them feel special and sought out opportunities to do so.
> 
> So didn’t I really set her expectation levels for her? And well, as the marriage ages, kids pop in, mortgage, careers, etc. The words lost emotional meaning behind them when they were said so often. Might have the same emotional impact as saying “Hello dear”. She expected it.
> 
> ...


 I think this is a common trait for WS's


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

There are exceptions, but there does seem to be a pattern.

We all have weaknesses. 

I'm a BS. Even before I became traumatized by my husband's infidelity and found out how devastating it is, I couldn't imagine any set of circumstances that would drive me to cheat on my spouse. I certainly have my weaknessess, but unless someone put a gun to my head I don't think it's in me for cheating on my spouse to have ever been one of them. (Just the deception part of it alone - I couldn't do that without becoming physically sick: my stomach would be in knots).

But...I think some people's weaknesses lie more in certain "realms," and when they're feeling down, or anxious, or frustrated (by a lack of "connection"), and if there has been a tendency to avoid discussions about "things that matter," these folks may then seek "validation" or "ego boosting" or (in the case of people with mental health issues) "self-medication" from an affair partner. Not a healthy way for a married person to deal with issues, that's for sure. But they usually aren't thinking clearly when they start down that path.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But it happens over time. It's not "needy" to want to feel appreciated when you try to show your mate appreciation. Never being told thank you, or nice job, or complimented, when you give it out...starts to take a toll. I know in my own marriage...I cooked every night. I was told "thank you" 3 times. I started to get irritated with that. I worked full time and did everything in the home and felt so unappreciated. It didn't happen in 3 days or a month, but 4 years. Then was I needy for wanting to hear a "thank you" every once in a while? Or "Great meal, babe"? Is that NEEDY? I don't think so.

I would ask him how things with us are/were and he'd reply "Fine" or "ok". I knew somehting was wrong but he wouldn't talk. Was it needy to ask him to open up? Maybe I should have pushed more...I dunno...he left twice. Not once, but twice. Was it needy on my part to want to communicate and connect? I beg to differ.

Yes, living gets in the way of romance and all of that, but wanting to feel connected and appreciated should be in the day to day shet you say to each other. It's not difficult.


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## whatUknow (Aug 17, 2013)

great article... wish i had read it a few months ago - lol - better late than never


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Everyone enjoys being recognized, but *BS do not seem to need it to be OK*.


I wouldn’t say that I was “OK” but I know I didn’t need his validation and praise to remain FAITHFUL. I certainly wasn’t satisfied with the level of appreciation I was being shown and asked my ex for this at different times (including real, measurable ways he could meet that need) to no avail but I never cheated.

I think a cheater only needs so much constant reaffirmation so long as they lack it within themselves. And I’d suppose that hearing it from someone other than one’s spouse seems to be a more valuable supply of the “I still got its” brand of ego kibbles. Than from someone that’s shared a life with you for years and serves only, “the tried and trues”.

And much like this:


Racer said:


> And well, as the marriage ages, kids pop in, mortgage, careers, etc. The words lost emotional meaning behind them when they were said so often. Might have the same emotional impact as saying “Hello dear”. She expected it.


My praise to him, flirting, compliments, little gifts “just because”, and the other day-to-day niceties that come from being in a relationship with me fell on deaf ears/went unnoticed. Alas, now it seems my ex has had a really bad, really destructive case of the GIGS (Grass is Not Greener Syndrome).


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> *I wouldn’t say that I was “OK” but I know I didn’t need his validation and praise to remain FAITHFUL. I certainly wasn’t satisfied with the level of appreciation I was being shown and asked my ex for this at different times (including real, measurable ways he could meet that need) to no avail but I never cheated.
> *
> I think a cheater only needs so much constant reaffirmation so long as they lack it within themselves. And I’d suppose that hearing it from someone other than one’s spouse seems to be a more valuable supply of the “I still got its” brand of ego kibbles. Than from someone that’s shared a life with you for years and serves only, “the tried and trues”.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Exactly! How many spouses are in a marriage where there needs are not being met and DON'T choose to cheat...The WS's who cheated and use this as an excuse I would like to ask their BS if all their needs were being met.thanks for this post...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Shirley Glass points out in Not Just Friends that

"A common belief is that a person having an affair may not be 'getting enough' at home. But the reality is that he or she may not be _giving_ enough. Contrary to popular wisdom, people are not as satisfied in relationships where they are 'overbenefited' as in relationships where there is more equity. In the most satisfying relationships, giving and receiving are balanced."

I know all MY needs weren't being met (though a lot was good). Living with someone who has mental health issues is a challenge all its own. You pick up more of your share of the load, and if you love someone you figure that when their medication and/or therapy "kicks in," you'll see them start to be able to help more. Never did I consider cheating to "cope" with the situation. But he decided to cheat instead of cope with things that were stressful...which included the responsibilities of our house, our finances, and things that were hard to talk about in our marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Hopeful girl. I agree with your quote. However trying to get a self absorbed wayward spouse to understand that they have a personal responsibility as it relates to the health of the marriage and their own sense of satisfaction in the relationship... Lets just say I could not make that point with my ww.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

workindad said:


> Hopeful girl. I agree with your quote. However trying to get a self absorbed wayward spouse to understand that they have a personal responsibility as it relates to the health of the marriage and their own sense of satisfaction in the relationship... Lets just say I could not make that point with my ww.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are in MC now; my WS has been similarly self-absorbed and only recently have I seen indications that he is beginning to come out of it (almost 7 months post D-Day). I'm grateful that we have a skilled counselor; I could never get through to him on my own.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree: Exactly! How many spouses are in a marriage where there needs are not being met and DON'T choose to cheat...The WS's who cheated and use this as an excuse I would like to ask their BS if all their needs were being met.thanks for this post...


Not only were my needs NOT being met before my wife had an A.. imagine the five years where she had a boyfriend at work, how much "attention" I was getting... No more 'I love you's'... no more kisses goodbye.. no hand holding or gentle touches.. for years.. Yet I stayed faithful. So no, my needs were not being met, for a very long time... and yes, I bought flowers, said I love you, I never stopped giving, just stopped getting... 

She says now that it made her angry when I was nice, I guess it made it hard to believe I was such a horrible monster that deserved to be cheated on if I was nice...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Not only were my needs NOT being met before my wife had an A.. imagine the five years where she had a boyfriend at work, how much "attention" I was getting... No more 'I love you's'... no more kisses goodbye.. no hand holding or gentle touches.. for years.. Yet I stayed faithful. So no, my needs were not being met, for a very long time... and yes, I bought flowers, said I love you, I never stopped giving, just stopped getting...
> 
> She says now that it made her angry when I was nice, I guess it made it hard to believe I was such a horrible monster that deserved to be cheated on if I was nice...


This is my point - when the Ws uses the excuse that their were emotionally neglected - in many cases their faithful spouse was just as unsatisfied but CHOSE not to cheat. Russell is your wife making up for lost time? Show OWES you big time....


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This is my point - when the Ws uses the excuse that their were emotionally neglected - in many cases their faithful spouse was just as unsatisfied but CHOSE not to cheat. Russell is your wife making up for lost time? Show OWES you big time....


When they talk about remorse and the 'hard work', she's doing it all.. everything on the list... So our R has hope.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> *This is my point - when the WS uses the excuse that they were emotionally neglected - in many cases their faithful spouse was just as unsatisfied but CHOSE not to cheat.*


This totally describes me!

This article is one of the most rational ones that adequately deal with the subject of the probability of infidelity.

But alas, way too many of the unfaithful seem to be all too justified in reaping the benefits of their ill-gotten gains, much rather than ever attempting to come to grips with their marital partner regarding their joint problems, in order to place saving their relationship, as well as their family, over their sordid and remarkably easy ability to covertly fornicate with some stranger from outside of their marriage!

I call it lazy, lurid, and self-serving!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Cheating is 100% on the person who chooses to do so. The problems that provided the motivation to cheat are usually shared. If the cheater had tried to address the problems with their spouse but was rebuffed or ignored, the BS helped create the problem and needs to acknowledge and own that, otherwise, R is unlikely to work.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think what I've learned from the inappropriate / EA relationships that my exH had and my fiance had, is that (some) men like that rough and tumble verbal sparring. It's obvioulsy just as exciting as sex itself.

I was the nice girl who tried to follow all those relationship advice books where we are taught to have open, honest discussions (too much _tawk_ for alpha men and it exposes the initiator way too much), gaining agreement (they'll say anything to get you to stop talking) and living by that agreement (you do and they'll owe you one, maybe).

these days, I kick ass .........and he loves me for it.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

There's only one thing i need to know about infidelity, he had his Jonny inside her LustGrotto or Chocoslide and that's why i went Fu k ushima on their life. Nuff said.


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