# How did you feel after your divorce



## shane0147 (May 20, 2015)

I hope to keep this short, but it may be tough. Id appreciate any advice or experiences. 

I have been married 20 years and have an adult child and two in the house. There has been no cheating, abuse, or substance problems. 

For a variety of reasons, our marriage has really gone downhill. Without going too deep and writing a novel, some of the big problems are:

Communication- we cant solve a problem without arguing. She usually checks out while i am talking. Way too much of our communication is negative. She refuses to fight fair. For instance, when we have a disagreement, she will often blow up immediately and imply that i just want to argue. If i tell her something, she often filters and refuses to listen. Lots of barriers that i cant seem to cross with her.

Respect- i guess this goes hand in hand with above. I could spend hours talking about lack of respect. This really sticks out with how we deal with our children. She constantly undermines me. 

A recent example of lack of respect was when I was planning for a long, hectic work trip. Prior to leaving, she had a weekend out of town with some of her friends. She came back from her trip angry that The house wasnt clean enough. This turned interesting a huge fight in front of the kids, that lasted until i left. While I was away, she felt i didnt call enough. One day, she missed 3 of my calls and the kids were already in bed when we finally spoke. The next day (a 20 hour work day for me), she blows up on me for not calling. From here on out, i did not call as much. Not to be a jerk, but i really only wanted to speak to the kids, not her. Finally, when i get back, i find out that she is going on another long weekend girls trip. I was upset by the short notice of this, as it was my first weekend back. Also, she used my credit card without asking me, to pay for the trip. When i get back home (before she leaves), we planned a night out with the family. I get home from work and she is, and stays on the phone with her friend for an hour, planning her girls trip. By the time she gets off the phone, she decided its too late to go out. I tell her that if she would have cut her call a little short it wouldnt be so late. She yells at me, and we have a short nasty fight. I ultimately walk away and the night is basically over. The next night, she says she isnt sure about us any more. (My thoughts exactly).

Another major problem i have with our relationship is that she is very critical of me. Doubting and second guessing any decisions I make are very common. I dont even like to make decisions, as I know in advance that i will get the third degree. She often does this in front if the kids, which has caused them (my daughter, really), to respond the same. 

This is really just a small sampling of our issues. We have had these sort of spats for years. I have offered counseling, but she wont go. We are both really disconnected and unhappy. I dont see any reason why things are likely to change. I have thought about divorce a long time. Im probably guilty of emotionally checking out. My biggest fear is growing old like this. 

So i say all if this to hear a few experiences and gain insight from people who may have been through similar situations. I know that when there is cheating or abuse, the decisions are much clearer. She wont do counseling and i have no confidence that we can work it out ourselves..... Not without me completely giving up my identity.
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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

prime candidates for MC? That would be your best bet unless you just want to end it.

you should see an attorney and see what a divorce would look like financially, etc. 

If if were you I'd look up the 180. It may help to detach from this somewhat.

Age of the kids?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just curious how's the intimacy in the marriage?????


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

read up. IMO you don't seem to have much control over your life.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=mpdZ0wYkvdftlgQsNJpt_uwZnf0-


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## shane0147 (May 20, 2015)

I am very open to mc, but she has refused repeatedly. I have said i am done asking. I honestly think its that she puts up a lot of walls. I think she is scared to learn about herself. (Basically stubborn). 

I have considered mc alone, but am not really as interested, knowing that she will not participate. 

The kids at home are 8 and 10. 

Our intimacy is really on an "as needed basis", if that makes sense. Maybe once a month. Like many couples, she will say im not romantic and i will say she is not adventurous and makes it too difficult. I really am to the point where i do not care as much any more, and im sure thats not helpful in and of itself.
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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If you want your marriage to last you two need to start dating again.

Get out of the rut. Obviously you are at the point of taking each other for granted again. And it will take more than just a night out for dinner. Do you do things together or are you each "doing your own thing?"

Divorce sucks by the way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It takes two to want to make a marriage. Does she work? Divorce with kids that age financially will probably drop both your standards of living.

However, staying in a bad marriage sucks.

Do you ever take time away without the kids? Maybe a big plus.

The thing is you both have to want to fix this. From your posts it seems she's to much in charge. If that's the case it needs to be balanced.

Hence read up on No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The thing is you can work on you. Fix yourself. We all need improving.

You can't fix her. She has to do that.

MC without both I worthless. Maybe some IC for yourself but it needs to be good one. There are a lot of morons in that field.

Divorce should be your last option. Devastating financially and emotionally.


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## shane0147 (May 20, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> If you want your marriage to last you two need to start dating again.
> 
> Get out of the rut. Obviously you are at the point of taking each other for granted again. And it will take more than just a night out for dinner. Do you do things together or are you each "doing your own thing?"
> 
> Divorce sucks by the way.


We do not do a lot together. When we do, its often a lot of bickering and arguing. We went on our 20th anniversary trip recently and after day 3-4, it was not much fun anymore. 



Marc878 said:


> It takes two to want to make a marriage. Does she work? Divorce with kids that age financially will probably drop both your standards of living.
> 
> However, staying in a bad marriage sucks.
> 
> ...


As mentioned earlier, we rarely do things together. Mostly kid stuff. I am sure that "D" sucks really bad, but it just feel so burnt out and hopeless in this thing, i dont know how we can continue unhappy. I dont really believe she wants to stay, if that means making changes for each other. I think its really all "staying together for the kids", at this point.
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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Marriage No. 1 - Relief

Marriage No. 2 - Indifference/Betrayal*
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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I think you need to be straight with her that you are considering divorce. This program is more helpful than MC IMO. Do you think she would attend with you if she knows that you are at the end of your rope? Marriage Help Program For Couples

Does your wife work? What percentage of the income does she earn?

Some of what you wrote sounds a bit similar to my broken marriage- the part where you don't feel respected because she calls you on things in front of the children. I did that, but it's because he was abusive toward the children and after I went through some personal recovery, I realized that it was wrong of me to let that stand for the sake of sparing his ego.

He was also unfaithful, porn addicted, drank irresponsibly, and is using drugs now that we have split (as well as being highly promiscuous- beware match.com users!). IOW *NOT* like you. Just the part about feeling disrespected reminds me of him.

The wanting you to call/communicate sounds like she does want the connection but the connection is very tense... Honestly,there's probably a lot of sexual frustration on both sides if you are only active once a month. When I was married, H knew enough to parlay a passionate fight into passionate make-up sex. When you see "angry" can you think "horny" and try to engage instead of withdrawing? H used one phrase effectively "Tell me more"- gave me the chance to vent when I needed it.

I asked you if she works and what percentage because my ex is paying about 40% of his income in C/S and alimony (I made @25% of our joint income). And the assets were split. I got the retirement and he got the real estate. You'll take a big financial hit with a D.

ETA: Forgot to answer the question about how I feel. I feel PEACEFUL, but that would not be true if I lived anywhere near him and had to deal with his drama on a regular basis. I live 500 miles away with the children.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You are facing many of the same challenges I'm facing, a +20 marriage with no communication, no respect, no sex and really no feelings at all. We're no more than roommates that just tolerate each other. All our kids are 20+ and either gruaduated or in college. I really don't look forward to an empty nest with her at all. We did try marriage counselling thing and of course, according to the counselor (another woman) every little thing was all my fault and my wife was this angelic being incapable of a misstep while her terrible fits of rage are the main complaints of both me and the kids. I'm not sure what to do either. She twists every argument into something that was my fault as your wife does. Divorce would leave me broke, having to rent a scrawny apartment and I've worked to hard all my life to be satisfied that. I sense that she knows this and feels entitled to act or say or do whatever she damn pleases without having to worry about any consequences. Last night she called my oldest daughter stupid. Neither of us should have to put up with that. I'm also going on a business trip soon and she has a list that would take three days to do that I'm to accomplish the same day I leave because she feels they are my responsibilities.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shane, I think many marriages go through this around the 20-25 year mark. years of child rearing coming to an end and then all the problems in the marriage surface.
I think you should also look into the fact she may be perimenopausal, it plays havoc with marriages due to reducing oestrogen.
Another factor you should look at is the idea of love and respect and the crazy cycle by Dr Emerson Eggerich. Listen to episode 1, here is the list

Episode List

it appears your wife wants your attention but you are not acting loving towards her because you feel disrespected. When she feels unloved, she acts in ways you see as disrespectful and the cycle continues, someone has to break it. It might be a good idea to listen to the podcasts together or buy the book and read together.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Shane, your OP reads like the last few years of my marriage. I really truly wanted to work on the marriage. I tried to talk to my ex about my feelings and always got shut down with "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it I am leaving!"
When she did leave I was devastated. I lost everything that had made me, me. I lost my wife, I lost my family, I lost my house, I closed my business, I moved to a new city, I took a job I hated, I left my friends when I moved. I found myself wandering the desert trying to find myself. That was how I felt for almost a year.
Getting a divorced after 24 years was the worst thing I have ever lived thru. My entire identity was wrapped up in my marriage. It took me months to regain any sense of stability in my life. 
Today it has been over a year and a half since she left. Since then I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching and self reflection. I know I am a better man than I was before. I am not completely recovered but I am recovering. I have rediscovered things about myself that I had completely forgotten. And I have discovered new things about myself that I never knew existed. 
I realize that I had not been happy when I was married. I felt as though I was living someone else's life and that I only existed to serve others (her mainly). My time, my effort, my money all went to trying to please her at my expense.
I realize anything that I lost, I can get back. I realize that my relationship to my children did not end, it only changed. In some ways I am much closer to them than I was before. I know them on a deeper level and they know me on a deeper level.
Financially, yes I took a hit. But it is a temporary hit and one that I have already largely recovered from. I lost my house and property and I dearly miss those. I now live in an apartment. I hate it, but I have the new challenge of seeking the living arrangement that will make me happy, free of any modulation from considering if it will make her happy.
Moving forward, this is one of the great benefits of divorce - the freedom to remake yourself into the person you want to be. Finding that ideal has been difficult. I realize that what I want now is far different than what I wanted when I was 25 or 30. I know longer want to rule the world, I am not interested in conquering the world or being rich. I now just want to be comfortable and happy.
I guess to sum things up, divorce is difficult and painful. The pain and suffering was more intense than any I felt during my marriage. But a real difference is that now I know there can be a better tomorrow, whereas before I really had no hope in my future. I was simply waiting to die. Now I am beginning to embrace life again.
Unlike you, my children were adults and none lived at home. So as other have said, make every effort to save your marriage, but do so on terms that YOU can live with. If you can't, know this - your children will be better off in the long run seeing how a healthy whole person acts than by living in the fantasy of a marriage that is in reality a failure.
I wish you happiness in your future, but remember you are the only one that can make that happen.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Girls weekend rolls into you being gone for a week for work. Nagging that week. On phone for an hour with friend that she's going away for the weekend with vs family night after all that time apart. Short fuse. Complaining about your shortcomings.

Sounds eerily familiar to me. Like I've lived very much the same/similar.

Based on that I'll ask - what's her boyfriend's take on things? Not saying there's 100% chance of it. but I'd consider it a possibility if I were you. Sorry to say it and hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right, don't do anything stupid.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stop engaging.

Stop arguing.

Stop insisting she see things your way.

Learn these quotes:

"I see it differently." 

"I am not okay with x (yelling, etc.)"

Then stop arguing. Walk aeay if necessary. You are feeding the negative feedback loop. A fire flickers and dies without fuel.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Forgive me for being blunt here, but if she doesn’t want to go to counseling to work out the issues with you then she has emotionally checked out as well. Evidence of this is when she told you that she wasn’t sure about the marriage anymore. If I were you, I would proceed with a divorce. It’s going to suck and will hurt but it is so much better than being unhappy and giving up your identity. No marriage is worth that. Plus the fact that she doesn’t want to go to counseling either tells me she has too much pride, doesn’t think there is an issue or doesn’t care that there is and it takes two people to fix the relationship. You will only exhaust yourself and get nowhere if you tried to fix this on your own with her attitude. Maybe if you proceed with a divorce she may change her mind and want to go to counseling. Either way, good luck.


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