# Is Her Cheating Justified?



## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

Forgive the length. I have been married for 24 years. My wife is a Sr. V.P. in the company she has worked for since 2000. Lately she has noticed a change in her boss and there seems to be a power struggle behind the scenes to gain more power between the other Sr. V.P.'s in the company. She sensed the writing on the wall and has since put out her resume to start to look elsewhere just in case. In having an honest discussion with her I said that I had no problem covering the financial aspect of her possibly being out of work for as long as it took, but emotionally I don't know what to do. What I meant by that statement was that I felt that no matter what I would try to say or do I will get the "You were not there from me when I needed you the most" woman who cried wolf statement. I say this because in the past when we have gone through difficult times and I've been there for her she manages to find one (very small or insignificant event) that occurred where I didn't do something EXACTLY the way she wanted me to do it. Now mind you this is AFTER she has told me I WAS supportive during that difficult time (usually when things are going ok). I usually get the criticism when she's upset, and that praise for being supportive turns into I left her out in the cold when she needed me the most. So in predicting that this might happen in this situation I had this honest discussion with her and now she feels like SURPRISE if she loses her job she is on her own emotionally. Things went from bad to worse due to my poor choice of words (and A LOT OF OTHER THINGS), as I was pretty sure she was either about to, or coming dangerously close to having an affair. I started being suspicious when she suddenly didn't want me to stop by her job anymore and meet her (we carpool together). She is now meeting me at my job. I also overheard some rather intimate "pillow talk" she was having during a phone conversation. Again I know I'm wrong for what I did, but now I'm hurt/upset, even pissed at this situation. Is that really a justified reason for stepping out on me? I'm not low balling what I did, but an affair?? So I decided to put my job skills to work (I'm a cop who works in the IT department). Here are the facts I managed to find out. She is indeed having an affair with the IT guy in her company. He is an author of a couple of cookbooks and at least two erotic novels (without giving away any names feel free to look that one up yourselves check Kindle). She has flirted with him on multiple occasions and has even engaged in inappropriate behavior behind the closed doors of her private office. This includes sending a picture of his genitals to her phone. They have been out on at least one date to a restaurant in the village and he f**ked her in the unisex bathroom. This must have been the height of the physical contact between them because they had planned to spend the better part of this past Sunday (9/29/13) together after she had lunch with her girlfriend. She has told most of her friends about all of the sexual escapades with the exception of one. It was that one friend who spoke to me the night before to hear my side of the story about all of the other troubles we were having. She then asked me what was wrong because I could not contain it any longer and started to cry on the phone. I then told her about the affair and the plan for them to meet on Sunday. At first she defended my wife and tried to reassure me that I was mistaken. I then gave every detail of what had been going on up until that time. When she spoke to my wife, my wife then told her about the affair for the first time and the only advice she could give me was to keep fighting. In the meantime I tried every scenario in my head about how I was supposed to approach her. When I finally confronted her about it on Sunday morning she was totally shocked and became furious. She accused me of being unstable and I didn't know what I was talking about. That quickly turned into her saying I was not dealing with the real issues in our relationship and I was scapegoating this imaginary "affair" (meanwhile she was frantically texting her other girlfriends to meet up at a diner for an emergency breakfast to talk strategy). I stood my ground and told her I knew about everything EXCEPT the date and what happened in the bathroom. She kept saying let me see the proof. The last deflection for me is the most humiliating one and that is where she was offended that I even accused her of having an affair and now she knows the marriage is really over. The other punches to the gut included her "warning me to be careful of what I wish for and that she may as well hook up with him up since I already accused her of having the affair. At this point I realize my marriage is most likely OVER and yet after 25 years I kind of thought I deserved a slightly better end than this if it had to. I also found out that he apparently wants to move forward with my wife, and this seems like the perfect way to justify doing so. She wants to go forward with this guy and the spin she is putting on it is that I pushed her into this situation.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cheating is NEVER justified.

She's just doing what cheaters do. Blaming it all on you. So typical.

Sorry you are here.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

In no way is this justified. expose both of them immediately to all of the people that are in their family/friend/work circle you can think of. Lift her out of the fog she is in right now. It is your only chance for fixing this (if you want to). She is going to smear you with lies to try and cover herself after your marriage is over. Use the facts and show them to anyone that you can. Expose, expose, expose.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wow..do cheaters all borrow one script..man that script gets circulated an awful lot..I bet the cheater's script is read more frequently then even the bible...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You wife is full of sh!t. Typical behaviour for an unremorseful cheater.

DO NOT accept any blame for her behaviour. These are choices SHE made. Did you put OM's penis into her vagina? Because unless you did, it is ALL on her.

If she wants to move on with OM, let her. File for D first though.

Oh, and get tested for STD's.

She is way far gone. I am very sorry but the best thing you can do is tell her to get the hell out of your house (you can't force her, but you CAN tell her to get out - hopefully she will) and move on with your life. Look up the 180 and do it. For yourself - this is NOT something to get her back. Your attitude now is that you don't WANT her back.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

It's happening to me right now to. I'm the one to blame for my wife's affair because I'm boring, I didn't want to have sex with her 1 out of 100 times, because I'm too nice. Apparently I'm not a douche bag so I am not appealing to her anymore.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh yes - and expose them at work.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear your story OP. It is NEVER your fault when someone cheats on you. Your wife could have tried to make the marriage work instead of going off on some selfish ego trip. It was her choice to cheat because she wanted to. Not because you forced her.

If she has decided to use this affair as an excuse to leave the marriage then you may need to let her go. There is nothing left to save.

Otherwise she is putting on a bravado act. Don't fall for it. Be aloof yourself. She needs to start showing some remorse and the only way for her to understand what she did is to take it away from her.


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You wife is full of sh!t. Typical behavior for an unremorseful cheater.
> 
> DO NOT accept any blame for her behavior. These are choices SHE made. Did you put OM's penis into her vagina? Because unless you did, it is ALL on her.
> 
> ...



BTW I did find out that she had the guy draw his bloods for an STD test and that she stated to him he was just going to be her f**k buddy for now. Damn I can't even type this without breaking down and crying. She also said "I'm a nice guy with too many issues and she has too many needs I can't fill."


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> BTW I did find out that she had the guy draw his bloods for an STD test and that she stated to him he was just going to be her f**k buddy for now. Damn I can't even type this without breaking down and crying. She also said "I'm a nice guy with too many issues and she has too many needs I can't fill."


You're not alone. Though our stories differ a bit, they are essentially the same. We both have selfish wives that are only looking to satisfy themselves and when their actions are exposed, they'll do whatever it takes to remove the blame off themselves. Smart people will know that they are just pathetic cheaters but unfortunately dumb people will believe their story.


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> You're not alone. Though our stories differ a bit, they are essentially the same. We both have selfish wives that are only looking to satisfy themselves and when their actions are exposed, they'll do whatever it takes to remove the blame off themselves. Smart people will know that they are just pathetic cheaters but unfortunately dumb people will believe their story.


Everybody believes their story because (I'm not gender bashing here) women (some) are not held as accountable with infidelity as men are. TV has made the cheating woman the in thing now. My wife being an executive at her company is just doing what the men in the company do. Women are always portrayed as being in a marriage where the husband is neglectful (and I do admit to some degree I was in my case), but the punishment in no way fits the crime.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Ahhhhh yes, the "you weren't there for me when I needed you most" bit. That was my stbxww's excuse too.

There must be a barrel of these excuses/justifications from which cheaters just reach in and grab, and blurt out.

It's pathetic.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Expose them, put him on cheaterville.com and send him a link. Send him a copy of his pivates picture too.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude you are IMPRESSIVE.

Here is my usual 007 stuff. Some you know some you dont. Then again I think you have most of what you need already since it sounds like you are NYC and Im not sure if adultry affects much. Sounds like she makes more than you anyway.


Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Expose them, put him on cheaterville.com and send him a link. Send him a copy of his pivates picture too.


As much as I would love to I made a promise to NEVER mess with her ability to put food on the table no matter what goes down between us. I also can't do stuff like this because of my job (NYPD cop 25 years of service) and I'm not about to loose my pension based on some BS allegation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry.
180.
Detach.

Heal
Find female with loyalty chip pre-installed.

Edit: could you edit your 1st post and hit carriage return a few times even if a bit arbitrarily? IE chop it into paragraphs.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Charger440 said:


> BTW I did find out that she had the guy draw his bloods for an STD test and that she stated to him he was just going to be her f**k buddy for now. Damn I can't even type this without breaking down and crying. She also said "I'm a nice guy with too many issues and she has too many needs I can't fill."


You still need to get tested yourself. It sucks but you do. I did.

Detach and move on. EXPOSE her at work. Do the 180. If you want to you can snoop more, but it sounds to me like you have all the evidence you need. If you want more go for it - I wanted to know nore than I did after it was too late and kinda wish I had done more snooping right after D day. But no matter how much you snoop, you're never convinced you ever have the whole truth.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here and going through this stuff. It is time to play the exposure card and the 180

First expose her to friends and family and then expose him to his GF, W whatever he has. I would caution going ballistic on the job yet. You may want her to quit but you may not want her to get fired.

What every you do not have sex with her when she breaks down. Tell her she needs to be checked for STD's and you need to see the results.

Tell her to get out until you can sort this out in your head. Get into IC right away.

Exposure kills the A in it's place. Listen to me. I did not Expose and the A continued. Your wife be spending her time explaining her self to Mom and Dad and the A partner will be looking for a hole to crawl under. Make sure you let that POS know you have pictures of him and his emails and texts. Sunlight kills A's

I am sorry you are here this happened to me at 29 years of marriage


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hit her with the divorce papers now. This is war. Expose her at work, and also the POSOM.

This is not the time to be nice. Also tell her that how would she like it if you cheated on her. And the POSOM will cheat with her and will cheat on her. He probably has a couple other on the side. If he is married, tell his family.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

To answer your question, no her cheating is not justified. As others have mentioned it never is... it is merely the cowardly way to evade internal issues, and in turn, make them worse. 

Sounds like she has been emotionally detaching from you for some time. I don't think it is likely that you will be able to turn her around, but perhaps a hard 180 might work. 

Personally, I'd walk.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get tested for stds 
Do a hard 180 for yourself
Expose them both far and wide,use cheaterville and proof
File for D as quickly as possible. 

Understand that her cheating is all on her 

Understand that you are now in charge of your future. Make a plan and see it through. You can and will find happiness again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why the heck aren't you exposing her cheating?

You know who she's cheating with, that they are dating.

Call her HR and alert them of the affair.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Charger, this is what you should be doing and how.



MelodyLane at Marriage Builders said:


> Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!
> 
> Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--
> 
> ...


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Also, talk to a lawyer and show him/her your proof. If you can prove that some of this affair was conducted on company time, you might be able to go after the company for compensation for busting up your marriage. If she is a Sr. PV for a corporation; most of those companies have a morality cause in their employee manual. HR wouldn't be too keen to learn of a affair conducted on company time between a Sr. PV and a IT guy. Some companies would sweep this under the rug, but if you have your lawyer breathing down their necks, they won't be able to sweep this away.

Then, go after this guy with an alienation of affection lawsuit. Your lawyer may tell you that this might be a dead end lawsuit, but have him or her write it up anyway. If he gets served with a lawsuit against him and is being sued...he's going to throw your wife under the bus in a minute. 

So, in the end if all goes as planned, your wife will lose her job, you'll get compensation for your pain and suffering, she'll lose her AP and she'll lose you! Hope the a$$hat was worth it!


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

It always shocks me when I read about just how cruel, heartless and calous the cheater can be. Her actions might be exp;ained by the fog she is in but....
File and expose, especially at her work, most companies will have rules about these things. It doesn't always work, but she could find herself without a job. If the POSOM is also with the company he may also be out on his butt. In my experience with these thing is that the love goes while the money flows, no money, no honey.Good luck, stay tough.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Heck no! Cheating is NEVER justifiable! Your wife will do anything in her power to make you look like the "bad guy", even lie. This is what cheaters do.:/

Sorry your here and in this position.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Cheating is never justified (but paragraphs are).


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I learned in several ethics classes that cheating can often lead to loss of a job. 

Now, how does that happen?

Wayward Spouse A cheats with Wayward Spouse B. 
Betrayed Spouse A finds out, and files for divorce.

And from there, it can take several turns. 

Employer, realizing it is open to a lawsuit from the Betrayed Spouse A, decides to terminate both Employees and distance itself from them. 

Or Wayward Spouse A may not want to lose their marriage, and breaks off affair. Now the employer realizes what is happening, and must make some drastic decisions. 

I also learned that when the affair happens with company property, like the company's email, phones, etc., the company is ready to go nuclear on both parties. 
And since she is an executive, that likely violates several agreements she made to not do things like have sex with coworkers, or carry out romances using company property/time, and is grounds for dismissal. 

The second that company's HR VP finds out about this, he is going to have a heart attack. 
He will be risking a law suit from you. If the IT guy is married, he will be risking a lawsuit from that guy's wife. He will be risking a lawsuit from the IT guy for having sex with a subordinate. 
Three separate law suits. That is how a company goes broke; fighting 3 separate law suits. 

The sooner you bring this to the company's attention, the sooner your wife is going to wake up. 
Because when she is fired for her actions as an executive, her affair partner is fired for his actions, and if you are smart enough to file for divorce, that will be like hitting a brick wall.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Read it, but didn't need to. It's never justifiable. Time to rain down consequences.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No nothing can justify cheating.
Nothing.
IMO a marriage that is soooo terrible it forces you to cheat should be run from...left in the dust!

Cheating is never the answer to anything.

She HAS to say these things...because otherwise she looks like just another nasty cheater. And no-one wants to be known as a cheater because we all know cheating just isn't nice.

So she tries to make YOU the bad guy and she's the poor hapless victim..

Don't fall for it....


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

I do apologize for the lack of paragraphs in the original post. I wrote it in three parts and just joined them together. Most of this was taken from my daily journal. As tempting as it sounds my code is simple I don't want to ever mess with a person's ability to put food on the table. That includes the mother of my children in spite of what she is doing. Can I say the same would be done for me? Hell no, but I have to take the high road and remember my kids are watching.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep, and she knows that about you and will use it to her advantage. Having that attitude just shows that you are still thinking along the lines of being the person at fault here. SHE cheated. With a coworker. That's a choice SHE made - why is it up to YOU whether her company chooses to keep her on as an employee when they find out what she's been up to?? And him?? You actually have a DUTY to tell them they did this and continue to do it. They're using company property to fvck each other. The company has a right to know, dude.

Repeat this to yourself: SHE CHOSE TO CHEAT. She CHOSE to cheat. I DID NOT MAKE her cheat. 

Is the OM married? You need to tell his wife/girlfriend/family also.

As for her being the mother of your children - so what?? Why does that matter to you right now? SHE cheated and screwed up. SHE did that. You had nothing to do with it. Not only did she cheat, but now she's flaunting it in your face and gaslighting you BIG time.

Please, wake up here and start getting mad and handing out consequences.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Blow her and the OM out of the water. it will be the fastest way to bring this to a close. Do not do as I did and keep the kid gloves on. The only time that I saw changes that stuck were after I told the OM wife. telling her friends didn't work all that much. Don't get me wrong it helped but it is something that needs to be done at the same time that you tell the om wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your kids are watching. They are learning mommy can do anything she wants and daddy will not act.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

It's nice of you to be concerned about his well being .after all ... He is concerned about yours.
He will keep banging your wife if he knows you will do nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st stop the crying, and feeling sorry for yourself---this is on her---for whatever reason, she wants other men/another man---this present guy maybe is celebrity status to her---who knows

As to the present lover---go after him---if you have solid proof, of what they are doing---file a civil action agst him for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress---file it for $One Million Dollars---that will make him run from your wife

Do not let her quit her job---she needs that income, so you won't get stuck with alimony 

Time to threaten her with D---and its time you stood up and did like a SELF RESPECTING PERSON, who thinks HE IS good enuff!!!!!!!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> my kids are watching.


Interesting. There are people who have a simple code as well. "I will do anything for my family." Their road includes shocking their spouse by exposure. Not saying you need to expose, but your road is no higher than theirs, it is just different.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
yes you did not always choose the best words.....and she was a [email protected]#re. So both contributed to the bad marriage.....sounds like one gave a it more than their share though. The way she disrespects you should absolutely enrage you! Forget he 180. You should throw her out of your home, and if she insists on staying make her wish she left when you had asked. Don't get sad, get even.....


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Charger, it appears to me that by asking, "was she justified" you're trying to grasp for a reason she's doing the horizontal mamba with the computer guy, thinking if you can find the reason, you can correct it and grow old and gray with this vampire. 
I'll make your quest easier. She's lost interest in you and is basically and temporarily keeping you around for luck. 
You may be partially the blame that she's lost interest but youre not the blame she's banging other guys. 
Have the courage to do a preemptive strike by ditching her and filing for divorce. Your marriage is over Dawg and has been for awhile.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Decided to rugsweep already? Where do they find these guys?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Charger440 - you are not buying these threats are you? That's just her defensive BS. Your wife is giving it to you with both barrels. It's typical front foot stuff from cheaters. Your married to her and she's f**king this other piece of sh!t - giving him what you should be getting. 

You're a smart fell right? Then obviously the answer is it is not justified on any level. You each own 50% of the relationship issues but she owns 100% of the infidelity - Lock, Stock and Barrel. Don't be blinded by the smoke screen. Good luck to you - you deserve better.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> Ahhhhh yes, the "you weren't there for me when I needed you most" bit. That was my stbxww's excuse too.
> 
> There must be a barrel of these excuses/justifications from which cheaters just reach in and grab, and blurt out.
> 
> It's pathetic.


That was my ww's excuse too... it took her months to admit that she blew things out of proportion, and made tiny things into huge problems to justify what she was doing. I'd keep reminding her that I was there for her, he wasn't.. when she was in the hospital, I was there.. when we had children, I was there, when our children were growing up, I was there.. When she needed me the most, I wasn't there because she went to another man and didn't come to me.. that's why I wasn't there. 

OP, Don't let her blame you... It's what cheaters to do make themselves believe what they are doing is okay.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

One other thing I was thinking about.. the 'you weren't there for me when I needed you most', is something they wait for, they've already decided to cheat, they need a reason.. and the first thing they can blow up, boom.... they take it and run. "I needed you to put the forks in the diswasher right-side-up, and you put them down, obviously to hurt me deeply, so I had to cheat on you to even the score.... you pushed me into it...." Ya... sure...


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Expose them to HR, see an attorney. Stop being needy and weak act like a real man. Do the 180.

Sit with her tonight and ask for complete truth, if she says something BS just inform her that you are filing tomorrow and do it, dont bluff.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

russell28 said:


> One other thing I was thinking about.. the 'you weren't there for me when I needed you most', is something they wait for, they've already decided to cheat, they need a reason.. and the first thing they can blow up, boom.... they take it and run. "I needed you to put the forks in the diswasher right-side-up, and you put them down, obviously to hurt me deeply, so I had to cheat on you to even the score.... you pushed me into it...." Ya... sure...


The latest she says to me is that "I'm a good man with too many issues and I (my wife) have too many needs".


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> I have to take the high road and remember my kids are watching.


seriously, you are a great man. you are in the right, and never forget that, it will get you through the lowest times.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*
Immediately do the 180!
Hook up with a reputable divorce attorney to explore your rights!
Notify her companies HR Department and alert them. There will be people on their BOD that will not like the negativity that eminates from intracorporate adulterous behavior.
Contact OM's wife and let her know about it!
Get yourself to an MD and get thoroughly checked out for STD's ~ that may well have been her parting gift to you!
Cheaterville also sounds quite appropos for them!
*


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why don't you show her(and her friends) the evidence you have ? 

She can get a second job. People get fired all the time. Your good intentions are misplaced.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you reading anything we're posting here????? Cause if you aren't let me know so I can quit wasting my time.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Or use your evidence as leverage against her. Her total lack of remorse and justification and her behavior shows you where you stand.

It's time to fight back and not accept her behavior.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

So let her keep her job and divorce her and get alimony. She's no doubt the breadwinner, correct? I see you live in Westchester - that would be tough on a cop's salary. Also, you can name the OM as a codefendent in your divorce for fault in NYS.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Charger440 said:


> I do apologize for the lack of paragraphs in the original post. I wrote it in three parts and just joined them together. Most of this was taken from my daily journal. *As tempting as it sounds my code is simple I don't want to ever mess with a person's ability to put food on the table*. That includes the mother of my children in spite of what she is doing. Can I say the same would be done for me? Hell no, but I have to take the high road and remember my kids are watching.



Really dude? And you're a cop as well?!?!

Well, that's it for me!! I'm moving to England and into your town! Then, I'm gonna rob that place blind with absolutely no worries. Because I know that even though I'm doing something incredibly wrong, I'm not gonna get busted because I know that you wouldn't want to mess with my ability to put food on the table for my kids!

I mean, really?!?! You need to open up a can of man and suck it up!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Charger

You are way too nice. Kids looking or not.

Your wife has too many needs for you to fill??? That is cheater speak for I am a selfish b!tch.

So now you know your wife is a liar, cheater and selfish human being that does not value her marriage.

Do yourself a favor and stand up for yourself.

Stop crying.

Go find a great divorce attorney so you know your rights.

Have her served at work. Name the OM in the divorce suit. File under infidelity even if that has no bearing in NY do it anyway.

On the same day send an email to family and friends.

Something like this:

"Dear friends and family,

It brings me great sadness to let you know that we are in the process of divorce.

My wife has chosen a relationship with another man outside of our marriage which I can no longer tolerate.

Since she has decided not to work on our marriage I am left with only one choice.

Please pray for my family and support all of us as we go through this difficult time."

That is how you show respect. It is also the only way you will get any respect from your STBXW.

Will she get mad? Sure.
Will it affect her job? No.
Will it show everyone what type of person your wife has become? Yes.

And when your wife gets upset by your actions, tell her to look in the mirror because the person she sees is responsible for the demise of your marriage and family.

I live across the bridge. If I can be of any service to you just ask.

Start standing up for yourself and your kids today.

HM64


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## Charger440 (Sep 30, 2013)

crossbar said:


> Really dude? And you're a cop as well?!?!
> 
> Well, that's it for me!! I'm moving to England and into your town! Then, I'm gonna rob that place blind with absolutely no worries. Because I know that even though I'm doing something incredibly wrong, I'm not gonna get busted because I know that you wouldn't want to mess with my ability to put food on the table for my kids!
> 
> I mean, really?!?! You need to open up a can of man and suck it up!


Sir you have no idea the scrutiny the NYPD puts guys under for getting involved in a domestic incident. If she makes a bogus allegation I could be suspended pending the outcome of the investigation. The ability that both of them have just to f**k with my job would far outweigh anything I could ever do to her. Its not that I don't appreciate he advice I just have to play it smart. If you think I'm just playing victim here look it up. See how guys on my job can get jammed up easily just for having a loud argument in their own home.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Charger I don't doubt for a second what youre saying. And once accused, at best your guilty but they just couldn't prove it. 
Knowing that, my advise is to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. Common sense tells you ain't no saving your marriage Dawg and the longer you hang with it the more risk you're taking and the less future life you'll have. She ain't worth it my man. There's plenty of inventory on the shelf with the same plumbing she has.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Really dude? And you're a cop as well?!?!
> 
> Well, that's it for me!! I'm moving to England and into your town! Then, I'm gonna rob that place blind with absolutely no worries. Because I know that even though I'm doing something incredibly wrong, I'm not gonna get busted because I know that you wouldn't want to mess with my ability to put food on the table for my kids!
> 
> I mean, really?!?! You need to open up a can of man and suck it up!


So, Crossbar, you are moving to England and into his town.

Ummm.... which part of England is White Plains, New York, in, dude?

So we and the OP can safely ignore the rest of your post, yes? :rofl:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> The latest she says to me is that "I'm a good man with too many issues and I (my wife) have too many needs".


I'd remind her that you have many needs too, and many that have gone unmet thanks to her meeting the needs of others. That I didn't have a second person to meet my unmet needs, I just had to go without and suffer...


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

OP please stop apologizing to us and everyone else. You do not deserve this!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> Sir you have no idea the scrutiny the NYPD puts guys under for getting involved in a domestic incident. If she makes a bogus allegation I could be suspended pending the outcome of the investigation. The ability that both of them have just to f**k with my job would far outweigh anything I could ever do to her. Its not that I don't appreciate he advice I just have to play it smart. If you think I'm just playing victim here look it up. See how guys on my job can get jammed up easily just for having a loud argument in their own home.


C440, I too am in NYC and have seen this movie with POs before. Tread carefully. If I was you I would simply file for divorce ASAP. Based on what you have written and the hundreds of similar stories on this blog she is gone brother. Protect yourself. Go see a lawyer ASAP. Carry a VAR on you at all times when you communicate with her. 

Do you have children?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Worked 30 years in city government, never heard a PO give in like that. What else is there Charger?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

We've all been there, here. Our stories are the same, details just different, and it all hurts . Hurts a lot .Hurts real bad in fact . Please listen to what these people are offering , as the road you are about to travel is only just begun. 

It happened to me at 28 yrs into a strong , (( or I thought ) marriage. You did nothing , but its so hard to understand yet. 

I'm so sorry your in our club . 

~ sammy


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Keep doing the same thing and you can expect the same outcome. Want something different out of life, try something different.

Your wife may be right about you having issues. One is definitely fear and nice guy syndrome. 

That is not meant as an insult, just an observation.

Also, you are correct. Your kids are watching and learning by the example you are both setting. Think about that.

Best of luck to you.

WD


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

This is going to sound mean, but I hope it will work. 

You're a cop. 
A NYPD, so you face danger, but let's be honest. You are underpaid for what you do, and you can be replaced fairly easily. And what do you have to lose? A job that underpays you, and the possibility that you will be charged with a lawsuit of domestic violence. 

Well, what does your wife stand to lose?
Her husband. 
Her job. 
And her AP.

And she is an executive. So which is harder to adjust to?
A cop losing his job?
Or a 6-figure executive losing their job? 

And sure, she can make a false domestic violence charge against you. 
But you can put a video camera in the house, and keep it on whenever you go home with her. Or keep a small VAR in your pocket, and act like James Bond. 

When you both having something to lose, the person that has more to lose, is the one that will grow more and more desperate. 
You lose your job due to a fake domestic violence charge, if you are smart and get a GOOD (not a bargain) lawyer, it will get dismissed. You may lose your job, but you won't have a charge. 

Now, your wife?
NO BUSINESS WILL HIRE HER!!! Why? 
Because that is playing with fire. I am guessing you haven't exposed her to HR yet. Actually, I know you haven't. 
Well, let's put it like this: either you can expose first and your wife will get fired, or the IT guy's wife will go ballistic and tell the Company, and THEN your wife is fired. 
This will destroy her career, because it is too dangerous for a company to hire someone that has sex with subordinates. 

Are there exceptions? Sure. 
There are exceptions to everything. But don't always plan on being an exception because there is a reason those times are called exceptions.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Charger

I was wondering how you and your family are today?

What did you decide to do with your wife and her affair?

HM


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Brah, zombie thread.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wonder if he pulled his service revolver and killed them both. Maybe OP is in prison and won't be able to reply for another 25 years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Brah, zombie thread.


Not a Zombie thread. Just someone reaching out and saying: "Haven't heard from you in a while. Are you OK?"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Charger440 said:


> Sir you have no idea the scrutiny the NYPD puts guys under for getting involved in a domestic incident. If she makes a bogus allegation I could be suspended pending the outcome of the investigation. The ability that both of them have just to f**k with my job would far outweigh anything I could ever do to her. Its not that I don't appreciate he advice I just have to play it smart. If you think I'm just playing victim here look it up. See how guys on my job can get jammed up easily just for having a loud argument in their own home.


  all the more reason for you to get out of the marriage ASAP. If need be carry a VAR with you for your own protection and if she makes a trouble for you then at least you have the tape to prove that she's lying.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not a Zombie thread. Just someone reaching out and saying: "Haven't heard from you in a while. Are you OK?"


Exactly MattMatt. Some of us long term posters are on here for more important functions than just seeking entertainment.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You cant nice her out of this. See a lawyer find out your rights prepare an exit plan based around those rights then have her served.

If you are looking to reconcile this might be your only shot. On the other side of the coin you might not reconcile suffer a short term spike in pain but end up being happier in the long term without her cheating arse around to hold you down.


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