# friends or "friends"



## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

wife and I have been married for 10 years...great marriage 1 child and stepson...she started a new job about a year and half ago. she was the light of my life great woman great heart all the wonderful things a man could want. there was a coworker that she started talking about who developed what she called life threatning problems. and she kept telling me that she was trying to set him up with another coworker there who had recently separated btw he is single. I thought nothing of all of this and hoped her friend/coworker got better. well one day while she slept, her cell phone was ringing so I grabbed the phone to keep it from waking her, and somehow opened it up...honestly I didn't know how to unlock it, but there were near 100 text messages to this friend/coworker, and I saw what I think a man wouldn't really want to see. strangely enough none of these text were talking about the gal she was trying to set him up with..all I seen was her checking on him to se how he was and going to lunch one day next week or sorry she couldn't come and see him. some of the text also spoke of trying to call him or wasn't able to text him cause she was so busy at work. but never was there any talk of sex or anything [maybe those were deleted], but where is the talk of the other gal that she was setting him up with??? or is that a cover up? idk...the last message that she text to him was " how about lunch next week" and ended it with "miss u... LU' well needless to say it devasted me !!! so I asked her about it and of course she said it was nothing...never has been anything and that they are all just close friends where they work...but I cant get this out of my head...am I wrong for thinking something happened or was it going there...or am I reading to much into those text??? please help


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No your gut is spot on she is playing you

Hopefully weightlifter will respond soon with his instructions for a var. indefinitely would put one in her car. 

If this is not already a physical affair it sounds to be heading in that direction. 

You do find it odd that she lied to you about setting him up and the nature of her friendship on the front end right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Sounds like at least the beginnings of an emotional affair (EA) to me.

If you're uncomfortable enough with the situation that you feel you should ask her to break contact with this co-worker, that should be reason enough for her to do so. If you ARE at that level of discomfort, make the request, and she refuses, she is effectively putting him ahead of you in her priorities.

Time to sit down and calmly discuss how you're reacting to this information with her. Don't do it upset...that's just sabotaging yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

Your wife is having at a minimum an emotional affair. It could very well be physical. You need to do the 180. There is no way that this is acceptable in a marriage. 

You need to be strong here. She has been hiding this relationship to you and has been lying to you about it so she has an Emotional attachment to this guy. She wants to FVCK him! Make no mistake your marriage could very well be over so prepare yourself.

Realize this is NOT your fault!
You do NOT deserve this!
You are NOT to BLAME!
She is acting inappropriate!

Their relationship needs to end in order for you to have any chance at marriage! She ATTACHED herself to him so your marriage may be over but you do NOT know it yet.

She needs to write a No Contact letter to him.
She needs to change jobs.

If she refuses either of these things, I think your marriage is over so file for Divorce and start separating your finances. Be smart financially.

Let me correct you on something. She is having an AFFAIR with a coworker. This is not something that EVERY man could ask for! This is absolute betrayal. You are not special. Your story is not special. Your wife is not special! She is following a cheater's script so don't think that people who give you advice here don't understand your situation. She is cheating at least emotionally and I wouldn't doubt physically.

End her relationship with him now or you will be Divorced! Start being covert and digging up the truth. Look at phone and text records. Get a PI. This is no little thing. This is the real deal. 

Brother, I am sorry you are here but she is following the cheater's script to a T. She might be planning her marriage exit with this guy. Don't EVER forget that and don't let on that you know. So far she is used to being 10 steps ahead of you. It's time you caught up to where she is.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I agree with Grayson, this is either the beginning or the middle of an emotional affair. You can't fvck around and tip toe around this. You need to be a bull in a china shop and take no prisoners. That's what I did, thankfully before it got out of hand and I'm sure I prevented a life altering event for myself.

Some must-dos and other thoughts for you:

Sit with her when she comes home and tell her you are no longer comfortable with this "friendship" and you want it to end now. Not just the texting, but all contact. You can explain why if you want to but your not being comfortable is good enough.
When she denies your request (and she will) you have to take "a him or me attitude" ... and mean it. Start being cold, even discuss the possibility of divorce. Your not going to to be able to nice your way out of this so be firm and resolved.
Only if she doesn't give him up: 

If you can get copies of their texting to each other and start posting them on the internet. Facebook or anywhere friends and family can see them
Find out all you can about him. Make sure his relationship is really over. Contact his EX anyway and let her know what's going on. It might help her in the divorce.
Consider terminating your internet service at home.
Consider disconnecting her cell phone if you pay for it.
Reach out to the OM and let him know if he doesn't stop contacting your wife it might have adverse health effects for him.
If any of this is going on at work or if they are using work equipment to communicate, let her employee know that they are carrying on an inappropriate relationship at work.

All this is designed to make them contacting each other as difficult and as uncomfortable as possible. You can't sit by and make this easy for them. If you want to save your marriage you have to be willing to risk it. What I can promise you is that if you aren't very proactive, she will be fvcking him sooner or later (If she isn't already).

When my wife was e-mailing an Ex behind my back and I found out about it, I blocked her e-mails from/to him. She said I was controlling, insecure and obsessive. I said: "I don't give a fvck; I'm not going to make it easy for this guy to try and fvck you." You need to do the same thing, if it's not too late already. She's probably in this deeper than you think.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I agree with Grayson, this is either the beginning or the middle of an emotional affair. You can't fvck around and tip toe around this. You need to be a bull in a china shop and take no prisoners. That's what I did, thankfully before it gets out of hand and I'm sure I prevented a life altering event.
> 
> Some must-dos and other thoughts for you:
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Very good advice. Don't believe for one second you have all the information. She hid a lot from you. She is hiding more.


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> all I seen was her checking on him to se how he was and going to lunch one day next week or sorry she couldn't come and see him. some of the text also spoke of trying to call him or wasn't able to text him cause she was so busy at work. but never was there any talk of sex or anything [maybe those were deleted], but where is the talk of the other gal that she was setting him up with??? or is that a cover up? idk...the last message that she text to him was " how about lunch next week" and ended it with "miss u... LU'


You do realize that if she has met him, there is a very good chance that they have already had sex.

You are going to want to find out how far this relationship has gone. You've already tipped your hand by asking her about the texts. She's going to delete EVERYTHING now and possibly go underground with this.

Look at her phone records to see how long this has been going on. There are phone apps to recover texts if you're savvy enough to load one.

If she has called him before, she would call him again. I would set up a few VARs in the house, get into a conversation about her relationship with this OM, then tell her that you are going to see him personally. That you want to see if his story matches hers. Then leave like you are actually going to see him.

You obviously aren't going to bother meeting this guy. He wouldn't tell you the truth anyway. You just want your wife to call him after you leave, so you can hear what she has to tell him.

Will she try to get the story straight? Will she outright and out loud say she has had sex with him? Will she tell him that she just wanted to be friends and help him him by fixing him up with her friend(doubtful, but possible).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think it's obvious she's gas lighting you. This is at least an EA and a possible PA. 

One thing that might give you a clue as to whether it's a PA is how long the communication/texting has been going on. For every month of communication the likelihood that they have had sex goes up exponentially. 

You are at a point where you have a decision to make about the timing and degree of confrontation. There are two approaches and each has a down side:

1- Confront now and demand no contact. You could also ask her to take a polygraph. The problem with that is that they are co-workers and one of them would have to quit the job to ensure that no contact. Likely your wife.

2- Since her quitting her job is a drastic (but necessary) step, I would probably want to gather more information first, to confirm the PA - though you already have enough proof of the EA. The problem with this approach is that you risk this going from EA to PA if it already hasn't happened.

If it were me, I'd choose option 2.

If you do choose option 2; for now play it cool and back off. Make her think you will accept her word that nothing is going on. Put a VAR in her car, spyware on her cell, and key log her computer. Keep monitoring the cell phone bill. Try to sneak looks at her cell and notice if texts are deleted. The VAR will probably be the method that catches her as she will feel safe to talk with him, or even a friend about him, in the car. She may use a burner phone to do it. Give it a couple of weeks and you will probably have your answer.

I'm confident that you'll get more detailed instructions from weightlifter on VAR use.

Keep posting and we'll help you through the process all the way, to include help in judging her reactions after you confront.

Sorry you're here though. Good luck.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live


Fvck him, that's his problem, not yours. You tell her it ends now. Nobody shares their wife ... period!



mcp0227 said:


> ....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone


Tell her you want to see every text (cross reference them to the bills) and that you plan on talking to this guy yourself. I'm sorry, but I don't believe the line of sh1t your wife gave you.



mcp0227 said:


> ....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


All you need to do is what I told you to do in my earlier posting. Don't let her make you a cuckold.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


What she just said was... Of FVCK, I'm caught. I better not speak about this guy. I need to go underground more so I don't get caught again.

Brother she is cheating on you. I am so very sorry to be blunt. Be strong now. She has to be willing to quit her job or she will quit your marriage.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now *shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live.*...and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


Well, this might be what the OM has told her. Men have said worse things to get into a woman's pant's...

If he's not lying than why was your wife trying to fix her GF up with him?... "Hey friend, I know this great guy, but you'll have to act fast as he'll be taking the dirt nap in about a year."... It doesn't sound right to me.

Don't be so quick to believe what he has told your wife. The "dying" in a year could really mean "leaving" in a year.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Gas light man. More to it than meets the eye. You don't have all the info and she is not being honest with you. Why? If she has done nothing with this person it's real simple, give up the info. BTW, someone saying "miss you" and LU (love you) is not innocent. Go MI-6 and find out what is really going on. You deserve all the facts, especially when you don't have near solid proof. Not knowing is the worst for a BS. Keep coming here, the vets have the tools to get what you need to make a sound judgement. I also believe they have had sex, sorry to many flags pointing that way. Good luck.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


She is in damage control mode lying through her teeth dude.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You don't have to feel sorry for this guy just because she's bought his line of crap. He's a predator, seen this many times, and she's got boundary issues. 

Bottom line, my friend, is that you are her HUSBAND and if you're not comfortable with what's going on, she has taken vows to respect that.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

For someone with such a terminal prognosis he is still able to work? Think about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

If I had six months to 1 year left of life, I wouldn't be working. Even if I was broke, I would rack up every credit card I could get my hands on, travel, etc.

Also, why would she be trying to set up this guy with someone if he's going to die? Who would do that?

She is invested emotionally with this OM.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


Ah, yes...the old "it's harmless...you have nothing to worry about and here are *all the reasons you should let me continue contact with him* bit.

Again...if it makes you - her husband - uncomfortable, that's the only reason she should need to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I don't know if she and the friend are fooking yet, but they're bonding and the longer their 'friendship' goes on, it will happen. And that's what this guy is targeting. A guy doesn't spend that much time on a woman unless he has a clear goal in mind.

This is a simple boundary issue. She's your wife and you don't share your wife another man. Be firm about that. And don't be fearful like so many of 'today's men' about being called 'controlling.' Damn right you're controlling....you're controlling about what you will or will not tolerate.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


Umm no people speaking about their affair partners or individuals they're interested in is common. It's a pretty big red flag. The spouse who is constantly bringing up a co-worker and seems to know every detail of their life and shares it with you. Yet you had no idea they had dozens and dozens of text messages between them until you stumbled upon them completely by chance. It's damn near cliche. 

You also shouldn't believe anything she says about his condition simply because it's coming out of her mouth. He might be lying about his health to her, she might be lying about his health to you, or they might just both be lying to you to cover up their behavior.

Another problem is you WANTING to believe her. You need to stop WANTING to believe and start paying attention to what your gut and her actions/behavior are telling you. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up to get screwed.

I'm not sure if this is the beginning of an emotional affair, an emotional affair, or a physical affair but the chances of it not being any type of affair from the little you've said, if it's true, are pretty slim.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

tulsy said:


> If I had six months to 1 year left of life, I wouldn't be working. Even if I was broke, I would rack up every credit card I could get my hands on, travel, etc.
> 
> Also, why would she be trying to set up this guy with someone if he's going to die? Who would do that?
> 
> She is invested emotionally with this OM.


QFT

My dad passed away in 2011 after he was told he had 6-8 months to live; he made it about 7 months. After living a relatively frugal, very fiscally responsible life all of his adult life, the last year or so he was alive he didn't work and lived off credit cards. We never discussed it (finances re: credit cards) but knowing my dad and the fact he knew he wasn't going to make it, he wanted his last year to be as enjoyable as it could be. To his credit, he paid for the insurance on each card so the debts would be paid in the event of death (made life easier for me when it came to his estate!). He took a couple vacations, relaxed, and had fun with his unmarried GF. My dad had mostly been a philanderer his whole life; whether that meant cheating on my mom (she also cheated on him) or "dating" married women after he was single again. Hate to say it because it makes him look selfish (he very much was) but his last year of life, he wouldn't have wanted to spend it waiting around for a married woman to make time for him.

I also don't see why the OP's wife would hook her friend up with a dying man. Story makes no sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

This might be bad advice so be gentle: Act as though you believe her. In the meantime put spybubble on her phone, and a voice activated recorder in her car. Gather evidence. If I was single and about to die I wouldnt be at work. Im sure he told your wife he was dieing. The problem is she believes him. He is angling for some sympathy sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> I also don't see why the OP's wife would hook her friend up with a dying man. Story makes no sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya I didn't even really notice that but it brings up a good point.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

She said she loves him and misses him=they've been having sex several times already. Does she text you these things?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> She said she loves him and misses him=they've been having sex several times already. Does she text you these things?


:iagree:Nip this asap no yelling cool calm and dispassionate. Then put a var in her car to gather more intel.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I wonder if he told her that the doctor said that sex will increase his chances of survival..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mcp0227 said:


> wife and I have been married for 10 years...*great marriage 1 child and stepson*...she started a new job about a year and half ago. she was the light of my life great woman great heart all the wonderful things a man could want. there was a coworker that she started talking about who developed what she called life threatning problems. and *she kept telling me that she was trying to set him up with another coworker* there who had recently separated btw he is single.



If he was dying why does she want to dump a dead/dying person on another coworker? (You're being seriously played.)

You have a stepson. What happened in her previous relationship? Did her ex dumped her for cheating? Be interesting what her ex says if you asked him.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

russell28 said:


> I wonder if he told her that the doctor said that sex will increase his chances of survival..


:rofl: Good one.

On a serious note, the fact she said she was 'setting this guy up with a friend' and none of texts had anything to do with it points at her gas lighting you.

Simple test. When she gets home, ask her which person she was trying to set him up with. Call both him and that person. Right there on the spot. Don't wait for her to get with them an concoct a story. Any lame excuse she comes up with to keep you from calling is more gas lighting. Even if you don't make the calls, her reaction to the suggestion will give you volumes of info. Good response would be "here are the numbers, let's make the call". Anything other than that is bad, bad and more bad.

And seriously, six months to live? I doubt that story. Either he is lying to her to get into her pants or she is lying to you gain sympathy so she can stay in touch with him. Even if it is true, not your problem. Your wife shouldn't be telling another man she loves him unless it's her Dad or a son.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yeah why would she set up any friend with a dying men?
Ridiculous.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If he was that close to death, no way could he still be working. He'd be in treatment or doing something else.


Btw, the more ridiculous the lies, the bigger and worse the thing she is covering up.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, the more ridiculous the lies, the bigger and worse the thing she is covering up.


Exactly what I'm thinking. No need to worry dear husband... he'll be dead soon.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> . but never was there any talk of sex or anything [maybe those were deleted], but where is the talk of the other gal that she was setting him up with???


The good news is that if she was going to delete the talk of sex, she would have deleted the others as well. (given a 100 messages were left standing) 
The bad news is there is likely no other gal.
The other bad news is that when a man and a woman are talking and texting on a regular basis, one or both are thinking about f---ing.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

So how this normally goes is, you dig and find more. She'll lie till her eyeballs turn blue. 

Eventually she'll admit some. Then you'll repeat that process until one or both of you get tired of it. 

If your gut says it's wrong, its wrong. 

Something is going on. The only detail I need to know is this: You were happily married and now something is not right and this other person is in the picture.

She's cheating. Either EA or PA. (probably both). We can guess this based on the close proximity of the people, the volume of txts, and the lying to YOU about it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

"Miss u.....LU". Nuff said.

BTW, I once worked with a guy who was "dying" for 8 years!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed your wife would not be buying this crap and neither should you. I am sorry but she is really playing you and clearly thinks you are an idiot. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Take her at her word for now, that they are just close friends from work, but only if you do so in conjunction with the following:

1. Start showing an interest in your wife and her friends, especially this dying friend. Tell your wife you want to be his friend, too; you want to visit him; you want to go out to dinner with him; whenever she sees him, you want to be invited. Also tell your wife you would like to go on a double date with her, this dying guy, and the girl she is trying to set him up with. Encourage her to set it up.

2. Find out what he is dying from. What symptoms does he have? How does it affect him? You should be able to search the Internet to see if the story makes sense.

3. Something that doesn't ring true: Why would your wife be trying to fix up one of her friends with a dying man? Makes no sense.

4. Some women like to give sex to poor unfortunate men who are going to die or going into prison. Do you think your wife might be the type to do this?

5. Can you investigate more? Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty Velcro, put it under the seat of her car. You should know the truth in 2-3 weeks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

OP? Where are you?

//Crickets//


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> thanks for all the wonderful replys...I do want to ad that now shes telling me this guy only has 6 months to 1 year to live....and she alson stated that if she was doing anything she wouldn't be speaking of the guy and she wouldn't keep those text on her phone....I want to believe her I really do, but I cant make any sense of it, he alson states that it great to have wonderful friends like her..so idk...this one is hard for me to figure out...thanks for all the advise


She's lying. If he has only a year left to live, why would she set him up with a friend of hers or anyone? the guy would need to spend his last months peacefully with his dear ones, preparing his soul. But I think that the setting up also was a lie. Doesn't match.
Demand to know what friend was she setting him up with. Have her show you texts exchanged with that girl and with him on this matter. Or/ and any proof that there was ever such girl. If she can't, she's lying. She was using this to gaslight you- the girl she was setting him up with was herself.
As others will tell you, install a VAR in her car. Recordings never lie. Good luck, you need it...


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

ok update folks....thanks for all the replys....I did for sure find out the guy does have a rare form of cancer and is only give radiation to help with the pain....we have discussed the text messages but not all of them, and she insist that all of it was nothing...I told her I believe her but I just cant get certain messages out of my head...I took pictures of the text and kept them in case she denied them...but how long should I go on talking and letting these certain messages eat at me...she keeps telling me it was all nothing...and to let it go...they are just friends. thanks guys for the advise


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MCP if he is this advanced why is he still working? Point is tell her to end this she married you not him maybe filing divorce papers will wake her up I don't know.


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

well tom...from what I do understand his isn't working....in one of the text he spoke of her to pick up all his days that she could cause he will be mia for quite sometime....believe me all this is just so hard to believe but im really trying to believe her but just certain messages that makes me think otherwise...example: miss u, lu is one, another one is where she tried wanted to call him she was just so busy at work...just to name a few I cant get over...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You may wish to tell her if the roles were reversed you would understand and be willing to take a polygraph to put her at ease so hopefully she will now do the same for you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> well tom...from what I do understand his isn't working....in one of the text he spoke of her to pick up all his days that she could cause he will be mia for quite sometime....believe me all this is just so hard to believe but im really trying to believe her but just certain messages that makes me think otherwise...example: miss u, lu is one, another one is where she tried wanted to call him she was just so busy at work...just to name a few I cant get over...


You can't control her you can only control with what you are willing to put up with.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> well tom...from what I do understand his isn't working....in one of the text he spoke of her to pick up all his days that she could cause he will be mia for quite sometime....believe me all this is just so hard to believe but im really trying to believe her but just certain messages that makes me think otherwise...example: miss u, lu is one, another one is where she tried wanted to call him she was just so busy at work...just to name a few I cant get over...


Please answer these questions for me: What would happen if you just sat down with her and let her know that you are just not comfortable with this friendship any more and that you would like her to end it, that it's important to you. Do you think you can do that? If not, why? Do you think she would respect your feelings on the matter?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The "miss you" and "love you" stuff is too telling for me. Maybe because of his condition she has fallen for him. Either way she has fallen for him and is not going to admit it. Eventually he will die and she will moss him forever. 

It kinda sucks you're sort of second to him but what can you really do?


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

thatbpguy...great comment I agree with u...she is a lot closer to him than she is telling me, I know that...but the bottom line is, I cant prove it...I even contemplated not saying anything to her and just keep sneaking ot get her phone and check...but it was eating me up so bad I couldn't hardly eat or concentrate on work...this is one woman I NEVER could imagine doing something at all...even though its only text messages...I do believe there is more but I have no proof


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How to get proof

VARs

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

Im up to like 18 cheating wives busted using my instructions unfortunately. Sad really.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> thatbpguy...great comment I agree with u...she is a lot closer to him than she is telling me, I know that...but the bottom line is, I cant prove it...I even contemplated not saying anything to her and just keep sneaking ot get her phone and check...but it was eating me up so bad I couldn't hardly eat or concentrate on work...this is one woman I NEVER could imagine doing something at all...even though its only text messages...I do believe there is more but I have no proof


If I were in your situation, I wold be exactly like you, I would be usless for everything until this was resolved.

So once again, I'm going to ask you, please answer these questions for me: What would happen if you just sat down with her and let her know that you are just not comfortable with this friendship any more and that you would like her to end it, that it's important to you that she ends all contact with him. Do you think you can do that? If not, why? Do you think she would respect your feelings on the matter?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

If the guy is really dying .. that is unfortunate. But IT IS NOT YOUR WIFE'S JOB to fulfill the dying wishes/fantasies of every sick man she meets. Dying or not, there is no room for a third person in your marriage ... why don't you tell her that?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

He only has 6 months to live....

I wouldn't believe that till I had the pathology report on my desk....

What a perfect ploy to get some sympathy pu$$y......

If I were him, and knew I really was checking out, I would be banging everything in sight like the drum solo in MOBY D!CK......

Some a$$holes would figure the husband could deal with it after I was gone, and would not give a damn....

Either way YOU GET SCREWED......The guys have set you on the right path.....

You may find out that your wife is a faithful, and charitable soul, helping a friend...You won't know till you get a VAR.....

Cold fact

the woodchuck


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> in one of the text he spoke of her to pick up all his days that she could cause he will be mia for quite sometime....
> 
> certain messages that makes me think otherwise...example: *miss u, lu *is one, another one is where she tried *wanted to call him she was just so busy at work*...just to name a few I cant get over...


These messages don't seem all that bad if he really is dying. People, especially women, tend to be a little more expressive, compassionate, sympathetic, and affectionate when dealing with someone in their circle who is going through some type of crisis. So even if she wouldn't normally send this type of message to her friends or co-workers regularly, I don't necessarily think this type of message is definitely a sign that she is in love with the guy given this particular situation.

She is your wife, so you should go with your gut.

Voice-activated recorder in the car is a good idea to let you see what is said when they talk. Then you will know for sure.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ironman said:


> If the guy is really dying .. that is unfortunate. But IT IS NOT YOUR WIFE'S JOB to *fulfill the dying wishes/fantasies* of every sick man she meets.


Hopefully, this is not your wife's mindset. Do you think it might be?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yeah, VAR. Be vigilant.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you want the truth, tell her your setting up a polygraph test for her to take. If she gets mad, tell her that some of the messages she sent don't add up and if there is nothing to hide, then no harm no foul. If she gets mad and refuses, ask her if the roles were reversed, how would she feel. If she says that she would be ok with it, well you know her better than we do but I'd bet the house that she wouldn't be a happy camper. Have her take the test and after you here the results, then you'll have your answer.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

op. 60 percent your wife is being played. Get the vars NOW. Move it and get control.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mcp0227 said:


> I agree with u...she is a lot closer to him than she is telling me, I know that...but the bottom line is, I cant prove it.


 Your problem is that you think that you need to prove to her what you already know to be true in order to act. You do not. What you think and feel should be your wife's primary concern over her relationship with this other man (OM), yet that is not the case here. She is placing his needs and feelings over yours. He has become her priority, and because he may be dying she thinks that makes it OK, when it does not. Just because he may be dying does not mean that she is not in an emotinal affair (EA), and possibly a physical affair (PA) with him. In fact it makes it more likely and not less, because at this point she has an excuse to develop an emotional bond with him that she can rationalize as being OK due to his health. He also has no reason to hold back his feelings for her, since he can now say almost anything to her under the guise of, "normally I would not say this to a married woman but what the heck, I am dying". 

You need to tell her that you want this to end. Tell her that you do not need to prove anything to anyone to know how you feel about this, and that you feel that the relationship is inappropriate and must end. Tell her that she owes this OM nothing when it comes up against your husbands concerns. Let her know that she had the opportunity to make this OM a friend of the marraige, but instead cut you out of this because she wanted to be close to him without you. Tell her that you believe that she is now in an emotional affair (EA). Tell her that once it crossed into an EA, they cannot go back to being just friends, and that she must end it right now.

When she protests that you are wrong and that they are just friends, tell her that in a marraige when the spouse has serious doubts about their spouse's relationship with someone from the opposite sex, that those feelings must be respected 100% of the time. Remind her that in your many years of marraige that this is the first time that you have ever taken such a stand, and that this shows that this must be important to you. Tell her that this should be enough for her. Tell her she has a very simple choice, his feeling or yours. If she picks your feelings then she must go full no contact (NC) with complete transpancy (which includes all passwords) with no complaint. Tell her that if she does not agree to full NC and transpancy with no complaint, that this will be interpreted by you as her picking the OM over her husband and that you will deal with it accordingly. When she asks what you will do if she picks the OM over you, tell her that you could not imagine her not picking you, and that you did not want to go there unless you had to. Tell her that if you have to go there, that this is the most serious threat to your marraige that you have ever experienced, and that nothing will be off the table. Be calm, strong and do not back down. Even in the very unlikely event that you are wrong about them, remember that the down side of you being wrong, is nothing as compared to the down side of you being right and doing nothing; and that even if they are not in an EA yet, they are heading in that direction.

I am sorry that you are here. Good luck to you.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

mcp0227 said:


> ok update folks....thanks for all the replys....I did for sure find out the guy does have a rare form of cancer and is only give radiation to help with the pain....we have discussed the text messages but not all of them, and she insist that all of it was nothing...I told her I believe her but I just cant get certain messages out of my head...I took pictures of the text and kept them in case she denied them...but how long should I go on talking and letting these certain messages eat at me...she keeps telling me it was all nothing...and to let it go...they are just friends. thanks guys for the advise


What does she offer as an explanation for the "I love u" and "miss u"? Those can't really be misinterpreted I'm afraid. If she says it meant nothing does it mean when she says these to you it also means nothing? Ask her this.

How did you confirm OM indeed has a cancer? Hospitals and doctors only give this kind of information to close family.

And one more thing, they don't need to talk about sex on phone or in text messages since they can just go at it when she goes visit him at his place.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you want to find out FAST if anything was going on between them, do this.

Get a few VARs. Hide them where they are likely to record your wife talking on her phone.

Then, tell her that you are driving to the OM's place to ask him what is going on between them. Leave like you're driving over there, but get far enough away from you place and park. Wait about the amount of time it would take you to drive to the OM's place, then drive back home.

Tell your wife that you cooled off enough to not confront the OM, but you still are not happy about this. Then wait for a good time to recover the VAR's. Then either go somewhere else to listen to them, or wait for your wife to leave.

DO NOT LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE USING VARS!!! EVER!!!

My guess it that she will call the OM when you leave, not text. She won't be worried about you seeing a call to him on any phone records because she can just say that she was worried that you were going to get physical and trying to keep the OM from getting hurt/you getting arrested.

IF she has had a closer conection, more contact, or dare I say, physical contact - She WILL try to warn the OM after you drive off. She will be worried about what he might say to you and want to coach him.

She may be telling the truth also. What she says to OM after you leave to "go talk with him" could also prove this scenario.

I'm sorry that you are hear. Now that you are here, remember, you will be better served if your actions are dictated by reason, NOT emotion.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Any updates mcp0227?


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

update...well of course the wife still denies anything was going on...just great friends as usual...isn't that what they all say...I have confronted her over and over and still the same results...nothing....I cant prove anything so ill just have to go on wondering I guess...and she tells me she hasn't text or talked to the guy since....I do know for a fact that he does have cancer and isn't expected to survive it..i hope he does get better, wouldn't wish that on anyone...so all I can do is just move on and get over it...thanx to all who helped me with all the advise


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How can you not prove anything? Do you not have access to the phone records? Can you not get into any of her accounts? 

EAs are serious business. Have you read "Not Just Friends"? Please do if you have not. It is available as a Kindle edition.


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

well actually no I cant...she has straight talk [walmart] yeah I know EAs are serious business..thats why it eats at me so much...im just trying to figure a way to move on and get by it...and its so hard being in limbo...we have talked and talked and talked about it...and all I get is friends...I guess I should have kept my mouth shut when I first seen them and kept watching, but it just ate at me to much...couldn't stand it


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If there is something to worry about, she will be taking it deeper undeground now. So, keep your eyes open to any new 'secretive' behaviors. 

If there is nothing to worry about, she should be an open book. Doing anything you ask of her to prove that you can trust her. 

Your best bet is to assume she is telling you the truth, but keep your eyes open for any sign she is lying. Even the little things are important. If she lies to you about small things, she will lie to you about big things. Consider any lie a red flag. 

Hold off on confronting again as to not tip your hand on how you are getting information. Add some new surveliance to your arsenal and monitor for a few weeks. Don't monitor forever, spying adds to anxiety and isn't healthy long term. If after 4 weeks you don't turn up anything incriminating, be happy. It's okay that you felt threatened and reacted to this possible EA the way you did. 

If you find something, bring it up here and get advice before you confront.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mcp0227 said:


> update...well of course the wife still denies anything was going on...just great friends as usual...isn't that what they all say...I have confronted her over and over and still the same results...nothing....I cant prove anything so ill just have to go on wondering I guess...and she tells me she hasn't text or talked to the guy since.


 It is not all about her. Your feelings matter too. You do not have to prove anything to her for you to feel what you feel, that her relationship with the other man (OM) makes you feel uncomfortable and is inappropriate. Based on that alone, tell her that you want her to go full no contact (NC) with this other man (OM), and that you want mutual full transparency (which includes all passwords) without complaint from either of you. Tell her that your track record of never asking for full NC with anyone before, shows that you are not unreasonable and that her relationship with this OM is a real issue with you. Close by reiterating that the relationship with the OM is inappropriate in your eyes and must end if she values your feeling and the marraige. Good luck and be strong. You will regret if you do not take a stand now.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Ask her how she would like it if you told another woman that you loved her?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

How are you able to verify he has cancer? Where are his family members? Approach him in person and tell him WTF is he saying "Miss You LU" to your wife for. 

Also call your wife out about her lying to hook him up with a friend, when he has some sort of terminal cancer. Protect your marriage and stop with the defeatist attitude.


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

well first of all in one of his text to her he was explaining where the cancer was and how rare it is.and he didn't say miss u lu to her she said that to him...or I would be confronting him...that's why this s..t is so hard on me emotionally


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mcp0227 said:


> well first of all in one of his text to her he was explaining where the cancer was and how rare it is.and he didn't say miss u lu to her she said that to him...or I would be confronting him...that's why this s..t is so hard on me emotionally


 This sounds like you are backing down and letting the EA continue. Again, she is your wife. Your feelings on this should matter to her. They only do not matter if you let them not matter. Demand no contact (NC) for no other reason than you think the relationship is inappropriate for a married women. Even if you are not willing to enforce NC, still tell her that you want it, and at the very least, demand and enforce full transpancy which includes passwords, access, and no deleting of anything (voice, text, email, etc.). This is important.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do you have vars in place

Just because you read the text, that doesn't mean that he is not bs'ing her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dude. How sure are you this guy really has cancer? Seems like a pretty good way to garner sympathy and get in a married woman's pants.....

I predict a year from now, he is still "battling" or has made a miraculous recovery.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

mcp0227 said:


> wife and I have been married for 10 years...great marriage 1 child and stepson...she started a new job about a year and half ago. she was the light of my life great woman great heart all the wonderful things a man could want. there was a coworker that she started talking about who developed what she called life threatning problems. and she kept telling me that she was trying to set him up with another coworker there who had recently separated btw he is single. I thought nothing of all of this and hoped her friend/coworker got better. well one day while she slept, her cell phone was ringing so I grabbed the phone to keep it from waking her, and somehow opened it up...honestly I didn't know how to unlock it, but there were near 100 text messages to this friend/coworker, and I saw what I think a man wouldn't really want to see. strangely enough none of these text were talking about the gal she was trying to set him up with..all I seen was her checking on him to se how he was and going to lunch one day next week or sorry she couldn't come and see him. some of the text also spoke of trying to call him or wasn't able to text him cause she was so busy at work. but never was there any talk of sex or anything [maybe those were deleted], but where is the talk of the other gal that she was setting him up with??? or is that a cover up? idk...the last message that she text to him was " *how about lunch next week" and ended it with "miss u... LU' well* needless to say it devasted me !!! so I asked her about it and of course she said it was nothing...never has been anything and that they are all just close friends where they work...but I cant get this out of my head...am I wrong for thinking something happened or was it going there...or am I reading to much into those text??? please help



Saying Love you "casually" like its nothing is some bull crap. What amazes me is how cool people responses are when they get busted... instead of their heart blowing out of their chest or dropping to their drawers... they calmly brush it off and calm, cool and collectively say "OH ITS NOTHING"... cheaters get better and better at the crap


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

So, you're not going to do anything to find out what was/is going on between them, let alone trying to stop it.

Well this guy may indeed have cancer and she just feels bad for him, but what about the next guy? What, you don't think there will be a next guy...

I'll bet money on it.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

friend or "friends" they are both

She's playin with you!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mcp0227 said:


> well actually no I cant...she has straight talk [walmart]


I guess it's impossible for her to switch to something that actually can be monitored?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This might be one situation where confronting OM may be useful.

I say this because you mention that the emotion mainly seems to be coming from her.

Tell OM that his relationship with your W is creating tension and distance in your M.

Ask him if he wants one of his final impacts in this world before he passes to be destroying his friend's M, either directly or by leaving it so damaged that it crumbles even after he has passed.

If he is an honorable man, this would bother him. I know he is probably very scared right now and appreciates your W's support in dealing with the stress of his passing. But a decent person would not want their supporting friend to destroy their own happy life to do this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

mcp - I think you really need to take stock here. What are you afraid of? You don't have to just live with it. If you think you do, then what does that mean? Every time your W is faced with a sad story, she can cross some boundaries? What happens when the next guy with bad luck comes along and needs a 'shoulder'?

Just because he says he is so sick doesn't mean that they can't cheat or she can't work herself into an EA.

Don't use the illness as an excuse. This is disarming you and it shouldn't. Either sit her down the way the Middleman has twice suggested and demand NC, or place the VARs to find out the content of their conversations.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I gave you explicit info on how to find out on post #47. 

I cant go to best buy and walmart for you.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

When a woman lets down her defenses for a guy you have a problem... even (or especially) if it's "just a friend."

And if something happened, even if it was only on an emotional level, repressing the issue and saying "oh well I can't prove anything thanks guys" won't get to the core of whatever caused this behavior from your wife in the first place. Who knows where her mind was then, is now, or where will it will be when her "friend" passes away? Part of what caused my WS to stray was connecting with a co-worker/"friend" about the recent death of another mutual friend/co-worker.

My point is, don't just push this all away. If you can't prove it and it's all in your head that's one thing, but like many others here, I've lived to experience the power of the gut feeling. Consider what you can prove, what probably happened or could have happened, and what that means to you and your relationship. You can't stand for that type of behavior if it is happening, so at the very least I'd be much more vigilant moving forward. Good luck.


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