# is it healthy/normal to have your wife as your only friend?



## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

that, in a nut shell, seems to be our major problem.
part of it is on me, I have dedicated myself to my family: work so we are sheltered, fed and have as many of the essentials and non essentials as we needed.

most of it is on her:
She liked my friends when we first starting dating, but after marriage she didn't think it was a great idea, and after the birth of our 1st, she demanded I stopped playing softball and hanging out with the guys, which I did. AT first, 13 yrs ago, I didn't mind as watching my son grow was amazing, followed by my daugher again amazing, and I really didn't miss any of it. Now they are 13 and 10, and constantly into something, my wiife has her job I discussed earlier with her male 'friends' that call her and she deletes the numbers/texts so I don't get' mad' She has her female freinds she tlks to all the time and me? I've got no one, but her. 

And I noticed it drives me crazy when she puts me 2nd, third or where ever to her friends at work or her social circle. I know this because I will call her and she won't pick up if she is on with someone else, but then I call her from my sons phone and she will immediately pick up, and say she is talking to so and so whats up i will call back.

I work my own business and work alone, my customers are rarely home so i don't really talk to them, my friends and I still talk, but don't really hang out anymore and I am a morning guy, like to get up early 5-6 am and get started, and be done by 5-6 and just veg at home really dont want to go anywhere else.

I know, I need to get a life outside of this one, a hobby or a gym. I went today to see about a gym.

ps- I am pretty confident she is not cheating nor is she planning on cheating now, my head and my heart (and her also)say so, my gut still had a lingering doubt.
My business slow down alot this time of year and unfortunately you knowwhat they say about idle hands.. I I fear if I keep up this behavior, I may driver her to cheat


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

People generally have interests outside of their spouse but when their spouse doesn't have the same social outlet, any time away makes you feel like you are second or third place.

Getting out and having a life outside work (which in your case isn't real socially stimulating) at the gym or some other hobby will help make the time you do have with your wife better.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Everyone is different, but most guys I know don't have may friends, at least the happily married ones.

Most spend there free time with their wife and kids and I am the same way. After her at work and me at work, the kids, there is nothing more I want to do then hang with her and she likewise.

We do go out on datenight and she is much the social butterfly while I would be fine being a house fly! My wife loves being in a crowd and I will avoid it at all costs unless I'm with her or its' for her.

It would be very out of character for us to go out alone and not be with each other......business and work related excluded.

Do things she likes go have fun you only live once.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

We can get lost in a marriage … and in our work.

One of the major goals I had when relocating was to build up a good social life. Previously we’d lived in a small hamlet of 6 homes about a mile away from … a small village. I’d go out to work and come back home and do something around the house or sit and watch tv. My life is very different now. I’ve got friends I just call on and they call on me, no arrangements just walk in the door. It’s like having “open homes” and it’s really quite special. I play tennis, badminton and squash and looking forward to picking up golf again. Last month I helped arranged a 60s rock night in a basement club … 70 friends and acquaintances came along and had a thoroughly enjoyable time. I’m helping out with new badminton premises in the local village hall, raising money for the equipment.

I truly believe there’s not one person who can meet all our needs as an individual, and it’s a bit unfair of us to expect that. So get yourself out there and join some clubs. You’ll “click” with some people and not with others. Overtime you’ll develop friendships and we all need friends in life.

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I find many of these responses frightening.

To answer your question. No. It is neither healthy or normal to have your spouse as your only friend.

You can convince yourself that you are happy and nothing is wrong, I don't doubt that for a moment, but it still isn't balanced.

More importantly, why would you presume this is how your life should be? Is this choice for you, or for your spouse because she demanded it? Think about that one for a while and decide if you think it's normal.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I find many of these responses frightening.
> 
> To answer your question. No. It is neither healthy or normal to have your spouse as your only friend.
> 
> ...


Why? I have friends at work, wife has friends at work, we have some family, we go to the neighborhood parties, a few old friends we talk with on Facebook, but when we do have free time we don't go and spend it apart! We are craving to spend it together nothing strange about that at all.

Everyone is different and there is no right answer to this. We live very busy lives both work 45-55hrs/wk, 3 kids with all that entails, so yeah give me a choice of going out with boys or hanging with the wife I pick the wife!

1-2 times a year a few of us will go get a charter boat and go offshore fishing and that's about it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm not going to argue with what works in any given relationship, OhGeesh, but by virtue of his username and his post, I'm presuming dontwanttoloseher's marriage _isn't_ working out so well right now.


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## inthemiddle (Nov 4, 2010)

I am on the receiving side of this problem. I am my husbands only friend. The very few people he calls friends are few and far away. I'm it, and the stress of it is getting to me in a big way. I feel bad because I think he needs an outlet but it's just too much for one person. I've always encouraged him to go out on his own and do things with people that he meets but he doesn't seem to connect with them. In my opinion, especially seeing how solitary your work it, you need to have a social network outside your family. She shouldn't feel threatened by you having other people to turn to. I don't know what her problem was with your old friends. Did you ask why she wanted you to stop softball and hanging out? It seems odd to me. In my own person experience it seems controlling and unhealthy. But I don't know the whole story. I don't know if this will help at all, but if it were me and if I could get my husband to do it, I would suggest finding a social setting that you enjoy and she doesn't object to. And if you can't find one, maybe you can start one.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

thanks all for the advice/comments.

We had a big blow out again, Thursday night, when the whole day went well, then for whatever reason she blew. I went to bed a half hour after her and was just rubbing her back as I always do, she rolled over and told me to get it over with, then freaked. Told me she didn't want to say no as I would get upset and accuse her of having sex elsewhere, and didn't want to have sex since she was tired. She threw a huge tantrum, and honestly this was the last one I am listening to. Told her that night, I'm Done. I do not care anymore about her work, about her 2 hour long "real quick" shopping trips about if she wants to cheat, anything, I'm Done.
told her to live her own life and I will live mine. Told her I will fake it until the kids are grown. and I slept on the couch for that night and the next. The next day told her I had work near her work so not to assume I was spying on her, as she accused me of doing already and I have not, cause I am still done!

Joined a gym Saturday, and throwing myself into my kids sports and getting back into my own, yoga first as my body is a train wreck from work and the car accident in may, and then softball again.

Funny thing, as I show her LESS attention, ignoring her calls/texts we have gotten along BETTER since Friday night?
Go figure cause I can't.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

dontwanttoloseher said:


> Funny thing, as I show her LESS attention, ignoring her calls/texts we have gotten along BETTER since Friday night?
> Go figure cause I can't.


That’s easy to understand. When you withdraw she has fear of loss. Loss of you and all that you stand for. So she does things to get you back. That’s way I say no appeasement, just pull the drawbridge to your castle up.

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

dontwanttoloseher said:


> Funny thing, as I show her LESS attention, ignoring her calls/texts we have gotten along BETTER since Friday night?
> Go figure cause I can't.


You just summed up why being a 'Nice Guy' is the absolute wrong way to address these kind of problems. There is no mystery to it at all.

Hold your line - she will continue to test you. The tantrum was 'the freak show' and it always shows up at some point when you're caught in the death spiral.

Be respectful. Be honorable. Do not be 'Nice'.


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