# Stages



## tailrider3

So...not keeping my head in the sand and still doing what I need to do. With that being said though I have changed bad behaviors and things are pretty awesome around the house except for our relationship. My kids are so happy and attached to me more than ever. They are also unprompted being defensive of me and really pressuring the wife to be lovey as they think I am great (I am trying to stay out of telling them what to do or anything as she was concerned that I was influencing them and helping them take sides). So, she has been saying she can't sleep for some time but it is normal for her. But the other day, after the night before my little one told her to hug and kiss me, she says she can't sleep as she has anxiety over us. Assuming she isn't participating in bad behavior, what are the stages of repairing the relationship? Like, is it normally that the wall just cracks at once or small improvements over time? Just wanted to get your insights on what the process looks like and what I should expect. Thanks as always...


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## Sparta

OP Did you ever find out if she's cheating on you.? You can't reconcile with someone that still engaged in an affair. You need to find out what's really going on. Unless you post something else about your catching her I'm not aware of. Even if that so you can't reconcile with someone that is not remorseful. So did you find out anything about her affair if she's having one or not.?


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## tailrider3

Nothing yet but I am not done either. However, I am trying to keep positive and proceed towards repairing. Don't want to wastep time either.


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## turnera

Aside from the possible cheating, have you read His Needs Her Needs? Whatever the result, it will help you in future interactions.


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## tailrider3

So...yesterday was a really tough day. My kids had picked up on Mommy not wanting to hug or kiss me lately so I had been speaking to them, especially my little one, abut Mommy not being happy with me caused partially by me and that they shouldn't pressure her. So I guess my littlest got upset while I was out one day and the wife flipped on me. Said I make her look bad, can't trust me. She went on a tirade and said that we should have done counseling together, I didn't tell her about results of my medical tests...just went off. But I explained that I asked about joint counseling and she declined so I didn't press. Told her I went for tests but she never asked again. Then latet in the day and this morning we are all good, played family games last night. Look, I honestly think she is a good egg and hasn't done anything wrong. The times when she blows up are less frequent but they are still strong. For the men and women who have come back from this, and been able to repair, can you tell me what it looks like on the journey? I am admittedly just shattered inside right now and doing everything to keep it together. So depressed. Really trying hard to crack a smile, laugh, and feel confident that it will work out.


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## golfpanther

tailrider3 said:


> So...yesterday was a really tough day. My kids had picked up on Mommy not wanting to hug or kiss me lately so I had been speaking to them, especially my little one, abut Mommy not being happy with me caused partially by me and that they shouldn't pressure her. So I guess my littlest got upset while I was out one day and the wife flipped on me. Said I make her look bad, can't trust me. She went on a tirade and said that we should have done counseling together, I didn't tell her about results of my medical tests...just went off. But I explained that I asked about joint counseling and she declined so I didn't press. Told her I went for tests but she never asked again. Then latet in the day and this morning we are all good, played family games last night. Look, I honestly think she is a good egg and hasn't done anything wrong. The times when she blows up are less frequent but they are still strong. For the men and women who have come back from this, and been able to repair, can you tell me what it looks like on the journey? I am admittedly just shattered inside right now and doing everything to keep it together. So depressed. Really trying hard to crack a smile, laugh, and feel confident that it will work out.


When she said you should have done counseling together did you tell her that's you wanted in addition to explaining why you didn't press? My advice on that front is to just find a marriage counselor, make an appointment and come to her with the date and time. She's probably being somewhat passive aggressive with what she wants—which is to see you be proactive and make the moves.

I'm not sure what the medical tests are in reference to (perhaps on another thread?), but if you were getting tested for something serious or even just something she would be interested to know, you should have come to her right away when you got the results. It probably was causing her worry and hurt her to think you wouldn't want to share with her something that I'm guessing is very important. Why didn't you tell her the results right away?

In terms of the journey of reconciliation, I probably don't have the best advice because I'm going through the beginning stages of a divorce. But I will say, try to rebuild confidence in yourself so you can offer the best version of you to your spouse and kids. 

Also, as stated above, get into counseling. If you make the appointment and she balks, just go by yourself. That effort will elicit a response in her—be it interest that eventually leads to her joining you for sessions or continued inaction that tells you she might just not want to try. At this point the strain in your relationship is clearly causing your children grief and worry and that's not fair to them. So the quicker you get some clarity about the level of her commitment to reconciling, the better of you'll all be.

In general, I don't think people like having to tell their spouse what they want from them; especially in times of crisis. She wants you to take the lead (not saying that's fair, but if you want to save this that is irrelevant) and show her this means something to you. She may find that when you do her response isn't what she expected or what either of you think you want (reconciling). But you'll at least put the ball in her court with decisive action that will give you both greater clarity.

Hoping it gets better for you, your spouse and kids no matter the outcome.


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## browser

tailrider3 said:


> So...yesterday was a really tough day. My kids had picked up on Mommy not wanting to hug or kiss me lately


That's because you're trying to be affectionate with mommy right in front of them, knowing full well she's going to reject you like she's done every other time you've tried it.

That's really lame, and it of course does drag your children into the conflict.



tailrider3 said:


> They are also unprompted being defensive of me and really pressuring the wife to be lovey as they think I am great (I am trying to stay out of telling them what to do or anything as she was concerned that I was influencing them and helping them take sides).


Umprompted my a$$. Just stop it already. You're not doing yourself any favors with the manipulative behavior.


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