# Ugly Story - family/sister crazy



## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

I dont know if this even "goes" with this site but I need to put it somewhere as I just need to vent this out .......its consuming my thoughts.

Little background. I am 35, just decided with DH that we want to start a family and we will be ttc starting next week when my depo wears off. It could take a while to conceive and we know that.

I have two younger siblings and one of them in a complete reck. She is 25, we will call her crazy sister, she is bipolar, never treated, never on meds, she is really crazy and very unstable. So much so that I would not be surprised if I got a call one day that she killed herself or someone else in a rage. NOT KIDDING 

I have tried for YEARS to help this sister, MANY YEARS, and she refuses to see that she needs help -and it actually got to a point where she and I did not speak for 2.5 years and very sad to say but she has hurt me so badly over the years that at this point I have very little feelings for her at all.

Now, my other sister that is 27, we will call her nice sister. she still talks to crazy sister. 
Apparently, crazy sister has been sleeping with a new man she met back at the end of November. He is the lead singer in a band, its an 8 piece hippy band and he is about 50 years old. So she is sleeping with this man, he used to be in a cult, he has 5 children and again is about 50!!

So, we just found out that crazy sister is 6 weeks pregnant, she just told nice sister. This is VERY VERY VERY bad.
She does not know the guy from a hole in the wall, the guy has 5 kids and the youngest is 21, she still lives at home with her alcoholic father, OMG its just BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I almost want to call DSS now and say you need to take this child away. I feel SO bad for this child. I honestly would not trust her to watch my dog, she is that unstable.

Nice sister mentioned getting an abortion and crazy sister said absolutely not.
So, i guess she told the guy and he said they could talk about moving in together, she said ok well, no pressure and its not like we have to rush into anything and we dont have to get married or anything.

OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDD 

she has NO concept of what it means to have a child, she does not have a pot to piss in, she can not keep a job, she always gets fired, she has NO SUPPORT< like no family - its just soo bad

ahhhh, ok i feel a little better that I got that all out. lol 

any comments, thoughts, OMG im just in shock here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hard as it may be, you need to back off and let your sister live her own life. You can reinforce to her lots that you are there for her and you will help her if she needs it, but you need to have firm guidelines in place as to what you will tolerate. Example - you will help her visit a prenatal doctor, you will provide her with a place to stay even, IF she is following the drs advice (whether that be to take meds or whatever)


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like you both have very different values and ideals. I know you want her to have a happy and fulfilled life and that you don't want any children to suffer at the hands of her poor choices, but, you have to take a step back and let her live her life by her own devices. If she has the child and the child ends up in danger, then you might do something to help the child, but you can't really force someone to live the way you want them to, no matter how well-meaning your intentions. She will only see you as interfering. 

Keep in mind also that you are essentially responding to gossip. "Crazy" sister wasn't the one who told you about all this stuff. "Nice" sister was probably told this stuff in confidence. The latter may have meant well in sharing the info with you, but it is essentially gossip because it was conveyed to you second-hand.

Let your sister fall on her on face and pull herself back up from it; it will make her a stronger person when she decides to grow up. In the meantime, all you can do is try to lead by example and offer support when asked (not when you think you need to).

It hurts to watch those we love court trouble for themselves, but, as adults, people make their own choices and no one can step over to take care of another if the person is sane and legally competent. Love her from afar if you need you, but let her be. Vent your disappointment and frustration, but don't interfere because you're the one who will end up suffering.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's 25, not a child. Crazy or not, it's her life. Sucks, but that's how it goes.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Untreated mental illness in your family of origin once you are an adult it only needs to be as troubling to you as you allow it to be. There's a difference between staying informed, if that's what you choose, and being involved. Now is a good time to decide where the boundaries will be. Be prepared to inform your baby sitters, schools, day cares, etc. about boundaries between your nuclear family unit and your biological family. You may even think about birthing plan, in terms of who you want calling on you or checking for information when you're at the hospital. 

Probably that's why you are unsettled about this, it's one thing to protect your own boundaries but when children are born you have to protect them too. It's likely you're projecting into the future, part of that is good, part of it is futile because you can only guess what problems are going to be, but not know for sure.

Consulting with a group like NAMI that has forums and assistance and support for family members of those with mental illness, is a good idea. If you have a family attorney, sitting down to discuss your concerns and what can reasonably be done in terms of boundary-setting, might ease your mind.

Are you afraid that your own child might also have some genetic pre-disposition towards the same illness? Again, that is something that would need to be addressed. It sounds like a lot of the problems are from not seeking treatment. As a parent who is knowledgeable about potential issues, you can be proactive about mental health in your own household. It does pay off.


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## PaGuy (Feb 1, 2012)

readyforbaby76 said:


> I dont know if this even "goes" with this site but I need to put it somewhere as I just need to vent this out .......its consuming my thoughts.
> 
> Little background. I am 35, just decided with DH that we want to start a family and we will be ttc starting next week when my depo wears off. It could take a while to conceive and we know that.
> 
> ...


Though its hard, I would just mind my own business, let her live her life and let her know that you will be for her, if needed. This may be difficult if not impossible due to craziness and the fact that you may have small children at home soon, I would choose words carefully.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

Its a tough situation. I think I may need to fill in more details.

This sister and I dont really speak. We had a falling out 2.5 years ago after I spent a lot of time trying to help her, got her a job, found her a therapist, etc etc.
She quit the job within 1 month and never went to therapy, she then did several other bad things to me, including ruining my wedding. so needless to say, we didn't speak for almost 3 yrs.

DH and I just bought a house last year and had family over for xmas. I included her in the invite to be nice...........This was the first time I had seen her in yrs. 
Now, we do on occasion speak as our grandmother is elderly 
(87) and I'm doing a lot of her caretaking. So I update both sisters are whats going on with her.
This is the only time I see or speak to her.

I guess I just can't believe that she is pregnant, she is just so messed up still. She is 25 but is so immature. She is bipolar and never got help for it, its scary. and she could not messed up her life any worse than by getting pregnant by this loser she barely knows.

i dont know, maybe its because over the last year I have decided that I want to start a family - DH and I have discussed it over many many months and we are both finally comfortable with all we would need to do to prepare for a child and give it a good life. We are 35, and 38, succesful, happily married, stable, etc. And it took us a while to believe we were "ready" =

and to think she is soooo unstable and going to have a child is just so sad to me.:scratchhead:
I feel like its child endangerment for her to have a child. she is in a **** hole of a life and I just think its cruel to bring a child into it.

oh well...........

I honestly think its best for me to keep as far away from her as I can, i dont think i could bare to get close with her again, and be there to watch her destroy this babies chances, it would break my heart to watch it close up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you a little jealous because she's pregnant and you're not pregnant yet?

It's ok if you are...completely normal too.

I was jealous when I got pregnant and then my sister got pregnant, totally stealing my thunder.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Kids are resilient, and if it ends up she can't pony up to being a mom, perhaps you'll end up with two. One thing you can't do is live someone's life for them, if you try to help too much it's the same as saying you don't think she's up to doing it herself. That never goes over very well. :-(


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And...my sister was a loser. Got pregnant. We all groaned. She didn't even like kids!

That was 10 years ago.

In that time, she sobered up, is now getting her BA in BIO CHEMISTRY this year :yay: and is the BEST MOM.

She just got hired working at some environmental plant...in her field of study. She's now better off than I am!  LOL!

You just never know.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

I have no relationship with this sister, its really bad - I honestly think the best thing for me to do is to stay as far removed from the situation as I can. 

I will NOT open my home to her if needed, and I can not bare to have a front row seat to the disaster that is going to happen to her and this baby........it would break my heart to watch up close.


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