# Breaking up and breaking into pieces



## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi, if you remember me from woeful threads such as this, this and this, then I'm here to tell you I think we're finally breaking up.

For the rest of you: I'm an Indian guy, married nearly 5 yrs, wife never had sex with me save once when I threatened to leave her, and she behaved quite rudely towards my parents and family on several occasions.

Anyway, this is what happened over the last couple of weeks. My wife was clearly making an effort, talking to my parents over Skype often voluntarily and even (finally) showing a sexual interest in me. But I started to have a hard time accepting her changes - it felt like she was changing because she was afraid of losing me; there was no real realization on her part.

Over quite some time now our sexually dysfunctional marriage has affected me quite severely; I'm almost uncomfortable with my male-ness now; I can't even stand looking at making out scenes on TV. When I see a woman on the street whom I'd have found attractive five years ago, I cringe.

I constantly feel like someone has stepped inside my skin and broken every shred of sexual consciousness I had. It's a horrible feeling, and it peaked a few days ago when I found out I couldn't masturbate even when I was trying for 20 mins. Although I managed to shortly afterwards, and with far less effort, I realized that I had so much sexual anger towards my life that my brain would sometimes shut down my male organ when it was too stressed.

Ironically, the morning before I had made my wife breakfast for the first time, and things were looking great. But that brain-penis freeze got to me, and I turned morbid. I was truly pissed at my wife, and I kept on thinking, so _now_ she's making an effort? _Because _I might leave her?

I guess it was misplaced anger, and not fair because she was trying after all. But there was just too much anger, and I went into this state of gloom. I no longer enjoyed talking to her or her even touching me. It's like I was broken inside.

So she wonders what's going on with me? And I tell her. She feels guilty, but very soon she's tired of me being down. She says she can't deal with me like this anymore. I get hurt more, because I dealt with her for four (almost five) long years now. Which brings us to the core problem.

She acknowledges her contribution to the situation, is sorry about it but doesn't realize I need recovery time. Yesterday she didn't call once from work, and even didn't receive my calls on her cell (the night before we had discussed the need for counseling). When I finally got through via her work line, she told me she was giving me space because I might not enjoy her presence. I wondered how that was helping me, when I was clearly looking for her and she wasn't even returning my calls.

When we finally meet she tells me that's how she's dealing with our situation - by 'giving me space'. I didn't feel the same way though, I felt as if she was drowning in self-pity and not having the patience to put up with me, despite the fact that it's her doing that's made me lose it. 

In fact, when I asked her about her over-staying at work she was quite aggressive in her responses. She even accuses me that I hadn't told her we would be 'all normal', we had merely discussed counseling. Anyway, I tell her I can't do this anymore, and we head home. At home she tells me she clearly can't live without me, and I tell her I don't want to leave either, but we need to address our problems. I tell her she needs to realize how badly she's hurt me and family.

To my surprise, she's shocked. She understands that she's done me wrong by denying sex, but she can't understand how she's mistreated my parents. Suddenly she's in denial that she hasn't done anything serious in that regard; she tells me I need to pick which problems I want her to solve. I remind her how she wouldn't even always respond to anything my parents would ask her during a conversation in front of guests, and not even make eye contact... 

I can't even get to the part where how she wouldn't even spend 1 min a day talking to them when they were living with us for four months... or even not taste the cake they had bought and inscribed for her... and make a huge fuss that we used to ask her to join us at the dinner-table every night. But of course she's in complete denial by now, and her whole expression has gone back to aggressive-mode; it's almost as if she's negotiating on right and wrong.

FYI I'm my parents' only surviving child and have always been very close. On top, we're Indian, so family is very important. Like all Indian families there is always some tension between the daughter-in-law and the in-laws, which is true in our case too - but there was absolutely nothing that could warrant such behavior on her part.

I tell my wife that I couldn't even imagine she hadn't realized how her treating my parents badly had really gotten to me. It seems like she forgot about all my discussions with her on this topic, and I feel betrayed. I realize that she was indeed just putting up with me on the matter for all this while (almost six months now). Her feelings towards my parents and her actions towards them were the same.

I tell her that ideally she should apologize to my parents the next time the come to visit, but she flatly refuses. I point out that if she wants to live with me then she should at least learn to respect my parents and the way I view them. 

She even blames me that why hadn't I told her about all my objections towards how she behaved with my parents while they were here? To which I respond, I couldn't have gotten into a big argument with you while they were here. So yes, basically she tells me it's my fault I didn't tell her then - although I point out some of her actions were clearly done maliciously.

She leaves, but returns in 15 mins or so. I have dinner by myself, sleep in a separate room. I've decided not to live with her anymore unless she 1] puts more effort into our relationship, both sexually and emotionally, and 2] she respects my parents and the rest of my family (indeed, she's misbehaved with a long list of people).

I don't think she'll do either, so we're inevitably headed for a divorce. I think we're very different as people, especially in terms of sexual needs and family values, so probably it's going to be in the best interest of both of us to just end this.

Sorry for the long post, but I just had to rant. Question: what should I do regarding divorce? What's the process?


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Please ignore - things working out. And hopefully will, in the long run.

Thanks to everybody who ever responded to my posts - I'm infinitely grateful to this forum. Had I discovered it four years ago, my life would have been less miserable. But all's well that ends well I guess


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