# help



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

i have been married for 12 years we have 2 boys 3 dogs and everything life throws at you. i have gone to counseling for advice for my marriage, but it didnt seem to do much for my issues. when i was in my 20's i loved sex couldnt wait to have it again and again. now i am 33 and it NEVER ENTERS MY MIND by 8pm im exhausted and falling asleep on couch. ive had problems with libido for about 3 yrs, i have tried every pill, exercise ect... i enjoy sex but would rather sleep. my husband wants it all the time and he buys little outfits shoes lingerie in hopes that will do it but as usual it doesnt. anymore when i mentions it i tend to get put off even more. ive explained that those outfits are for the men. i dont feel sexy in these clothes i actually feel ridiculous and stupid. i love my husband and wish i could be more sexual but i just cant seem to get there,


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

thank you so much for our idea.. however i have done this too in an exercise given by a therapist. its a great idea if my body would wake up. you have great ideas maybe if i keep at it, it may work. i am just getting to the point where i ask myself is it worth it anymore nothing works??


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you know what turns you on?? Romantic movies, massages, porn, anything?? The H and I have a lot of physical contact when we can, simple stuff like holding hands, rubbing backs, lots of kisses, and the occassional pat on the butt  
I think that is more the reason why I can't wait for him to come home and strip me down! The outfits your H buys you, maybe try them on when you are all alone and do what you want to do with it to make yourself feel sexy. I'll be honest, some really trashy lingerie makes me feel like a porn star and in my marriage, that ain't a bad thing LMAO


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

no i dont havent in quite a while and i really feel stupid since i have no clue how to figure this site out lol


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

Star said:


> Can i ask you a really personal question?
> 
> Do you pleasure yourself at all or are you off that as well as sex?[/Q not any more been years


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Oh no, I love the trashy outfits we pick out. It gives me a different level of confidence, but I realize not everyone is this way. My point is if he is bringing things home for her to try on, that she could do it alone and see if there was something she could do to get comfortable and feel sexy all at the same time. 
Everyone changes with what turns them on, but if you have an inkling of what may get you going, explore it. Could turn out good!!


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

Star said:


> Yes I know what turns my engine over however it was not always like this in my 20's I did not really have a clue, I will still trying to find the sexual me.
> 
> You say you feel "trashy" in the outfits he buys you why don't you choose something else and buy it at least that way you would feel maybe more confortable?


thank you for taking time to help me truly.... i have bought what i like and unfortunately it isnt enough for him ive got so many bra's with out cups, and trashy outfits dont get me wrong i used to love that stuff, i know ive got a nice body its not the mom buldge that bugs me.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

Star said:


> Ok so what is it that truly bugs you? if you know what it is then you are half way there to fixing it I think, It's when you don't know that it becomes harder to sort.


i think what bothers me is that he is good at walking past and grabbing my nip (which isn't my favorite) but as for hugs conversation hand holding there really isnt any. about 8yrs ago it was me wanting and wanting but he would reject me every time. so as time goes i just shut off i think not knowing it would be this hard to turn back on.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

Star said:


> Have you tried talking to him about this and explaining how it makes you feel when he does these things? and that what you really want/need is ect, ect, I very recently had to have a heart to heart with him about things in our relationship that I was not happy about and I really dropped some bombs on him but this was the only way i felt "we" as a couple could move forward, I needed to clear the air or else maybe seperate paths would be on the cards.


i have talked to him about all of this and it goes no where. he thinks that being nice to me = him getting laid or rubbed out what ever .


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

Star said:


> Ooh I see, I think you might need to burst his bubble and say to him that being nice does not =getting laid or rubbed out BUT it means............ then tell him what it is that you need from him.


i think i certainly will do. maybe ill get my groove on if he can understand


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So you are missing the emotional attachment that your H used to share with you?? That isn't uncommon or anything to be embarrassed about. I think everyone loses that now and again. My H and I lost it for geesh, about two years. But when it comes back it comes back strong!

Honestly, Star is right. You may have to break down and tell it to him bluntly. Hey, you want more sex, this is what'll get that. Tit for tat. I want to feel wanted and loved, and you want sex so we both will have to meet in the middle. I wouldn't have nearly as much sex if the H wasn't making such an effort to touch me in innocent ways throughout the day. It didn't come natural though. I had to ask for it. But after it got through to him what I wanted and why, it got to be really nice. Now I can barely keep my hands off!!

Best of luck, and a nice romantic dinner to talk about both of your needs is a wonderful idea!!


----------



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_i think what bothers me is that he is good at walking past and grabbing my nip (which isn't my favorite) but as for hugs conversation hand holding there really isnt any. about 8yrs ago it was me wanting and wanting but he would reject me every time. so as time goes i just shut off i think not knowing it would be this hard to turn back on._

danielle - I can TOTALLY relate with you on this. I, for quite some time, lost my libido too. Initially I think it was due to out of whack hormone levels, fertility, etc. Then when I was pregnant with my 2nd, my H started turning me down. Then after my 2nd child, he was back into it and I was not. (probably some leftover resentment for him turning me down.) WEll, it just started a vicious cycle. If I wasn't in the mood, then he through in my face how I never was, blah blah. I would throw back in his face how he sometimes turned me down, which he denied, etc. Add in additional life stresses, more and more fighting and boom - sex was the last thing on my mind. 

When we would try to talk about it, I would try telling him that I wasn't just a light switch that could be turned on, like a guy. I needed romance. I wanted him to just make out with me with no sex attached. You know, like dating all over again. He too, would walk up and grab me thinking that was a turn on and it would p*ss me off! It would do the exact opposite. SO, no matter how much I would try to get in the mood, he would do or say something or I just couldn't get there emotionally. I had completely shut that off. Nothing. With no emotional connection, the physical conncection can't happen either. I

I think as suggested you need to have a real chat with him and he may not like everything you have to say but it has to be said. Figure out what, if anything, that you are holding onto that has upset you or you are resentful about and let that go.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

mommy2 said:


> _i think what bothers me is that he is good at walking past and grabbing my nip (which isn't my favorite) but as for hugs conversation hand holding there really isnt any. about 8yrs ago it was me wanting and wanting but he would reject me every time. so as time goes i just shut off i think not knowing it would be this hard to turn back on._
> 
> danielle - I can TOTALLY relate with you on this. I, for quite some time, lost my libido too. Initially I think it was due to out of whack hormone levels, fertility, etc. Then when I was pregnant with my 2nd, my H started turning me down. Then after my 2nd child, he was back into it and I was not. (probably some leftover resentment for him turning me down.) WEll, it just started a vicious cycle. If I wasn't in the mood, then he through in my face how I never was, blah blah. I would throw back in his face how he sometimes turned me down, which he denied, etc. Add in additional life stresses, more and more fighting and boom - sex was the last thing on my mind.
> 
> ...


we chatted last night and fingers crossed we will see some sort of difference in a few days, we both said things that the other wasnt aware. i know this wont be fixed over night but im hoping that the 4 hour talk has helped


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I hope it does honey!! Best of luck and let us know how this all works out!


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yes, i hope it does work out for you. but you could have started this thread with the fact that what he does pisses you off and you resent his actions and dont feel horny. you actually sounded like you felt it was you that was the problem. communication is key, when one partner shuts down and the other doesnt know why, it never gets fixed until it is talked out. 

the "nip" tweaking and butt slapping is just playful fun attention that guys do to display affection and give a hint. i mean why cant a guy or gal do that just to mess around (my wife does it to me sometimes). he may have been totally unaware he wasnt meeting your true emotional needs. its also an ice breaker at times when he may feel like your standoffish or unapproachable. if any of his actions piss you off he should be made aware of that.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> yes, i hope it does work out for you. but you could have started this thread with the fact that what he does pisses you off and you resent his actions and dont feel horny. you actually sounded like you felt it was you that was the problem. communication is key, when one partner shuts down and the other doesnt know why, it never gets fixed until it is talked out.
> 
> the "nip" tweaking and butt slapping is just playful fun attention that guys do to display affection and give a hint. i mean why cant a guy or gal do that just to mess around (my wife does it to me sometimes). he may have been totally unaware he wasnt meeting your true emotional needs. its also an ice breaker at times when he may feel like your standoffish or unapproachable. if any of his actions piss you off he should be made aware of that.


when i first posted it i didnt realize that i was pissed off. after i got a bit advice i realized what i was doing. hopefully the long talk helps i did relieve him of some pressure. and i feel alot better about us today i actually hope he comes home wanting a little bit of me :lol: cause i want a bit of him !


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Okiedokie, maybe you and I would give nip tweaks and etc, to give a hint... my husband does it just to tease LOL! Its definitely NOT foreplay in his mind.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Okiedokie, maybe you and I would give nip tweaks and etc, to give a hint... my husband does it just to tease LOL! Its definitely NOT foreplay in his mind.


i guess it is kinda stupid, but i will do it just to let my wife know i am still here and i still find her attractive, that i want her. she has never acted ngatively towards it. but i also discovered i need to do more to connect with her.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

It sounds like you are a tired Mom!!! 

Next time he buys lingerie, tell him you would rather have a little extra help.

What if you offered to wear the lingerie while the two of you sit and fold laundry together after the kids are in bed?

Promise him something special if he gets up and fixes the kids breakfast on the weekend and lets you sleep in.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

well we have had a really nice last 2 days i hope that i continues,


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

well we have gotten along so far but no lovey cuddles or sex


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Best foreplay for cuddling and sex is as simple as genuinely getting along.

Don't stress. Tell him not to stress. Each of you write down a single nice thing that doesn't involve sex on a piece of paper. Do this 7 times. Small things that you would like to see him do, and he does the same for you. Each morning when you get up, or at night before you go to bed, each of you should choose a slip of paper with the goal of doing that 'nice thing' for your spouse within the next 24 hours.

Take the pressure and expectations away. Rediscover what attracted you to one another in the first place.

Co-masturbation is another really low stress way to move forward sexually. Basically, you masturbate in front of one another. It is a very bonding undertaking, You both feel safe, secure, and excited.


----------



## dannielle1120 (Jan 10, 2010)

thank you all so much for your ideas we are using them and we are getting along great!!!!


----------



## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Danielle - I've found this interesting because my lady and I hit a similar patch some years ago. One thing that helped us was the occasional gentle break in domestic routine - a surprise night or weekend away with friends, for example. Another happened one day when I came home and my lady was just stepping out of the bath...with a new hairstyle - we just pounced on each other I think habit can as easily be a deadly enemy as well as a familiar friend. It's good to read that things are getting better - good luck!


----------

