# Is it appropriate for my partner to continue a friendship with a woman he had a crush



## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

There is a history here that I am not willing to go into for now as it would turn this post into a saga - However just to say, My partner was never physically unfaithful, just mentally. He had a crush on a friend that I did not know about. I found out when pregnant - but believes that he would come clean and be honest about it before our daughter was born. Things came to a head approx 2months after she was born & my partner knew I was aware of his mental infidelity. Who he was going to go camping with but didn't, because it rained. SHE has had a crush on him as well in the past, My partner avoided her for a bit & nothing became of it. 
My current source of MUCH frustration for me as every time things seem to be getting better between us SHE pops up. We were having a great day out & he had to stop for a business appointment. I had to change our baby daughters nappy & feed her. A work phone call came thru which I answered as he had left his phone in the car. At the same time a text came thru, which I read that seemed to me to indicate that SHE was aware that we were moving. That SHE is aware of a lot of things that I am not being told. My partner is conversing with her as if it was myself(before I got pregnant), being open, conversational, affectionate even. None of which I get from him these days.
My question is - what IS & ISNT appropriate in a committed relationship when it comes to female friendships for men?
Also, to clarify - I was okay with this friendship as they would be conversing about topics I have little knowledge of.
A month before this crush happened, he led a coffee shop lady on to believe he was single. So much so that she was going to travel 600kms to visit a friend that lived close by....

Especially answers from the male point of view would be great.

Thanks

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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Definitely not appropriate for him to remain “friends” with people who aren’t friends of the marriage. (Not a friendship - more like an emotional affair.)


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

montage_dawn said:


> There is a history here that I am not willing to go into for now as it would turn this post into a saga - However just to say, My partner was never physically unfaithful, just mentally. He had a crush on a friend that I did not know about. I found out when pregnant - but believes that he would come clean and be honest about it before our daughter was born. Things came to a head approx 2months after she was born & my partner knew I was aware of his mental infidelity. Who he was going to go camping with but didn't, because it rained. SHE has had a crush on him as well in the past, My partner avoided her for a bit & nothing became of it.
> My current source of MUCH frustration for me as every time things seem to be getting better between us SHE pops up. We were having a great day out & he had to stop for a business appointment. I had to change our baby daughters nappy & feed her. A work phone call came thru which I answered as he had left his phone in the car. At the same time a text came thru, which I read that seemed to me to indicate that SHE was aware that we were moving. That SHE is aware of a lot of things that I am not being told. My partner is conversing with her as if it was myself(before I got pregnant), being open, conversational, affectionate even. None of which I get from him these days.
> My question is - what IS & ISNT appropriate in a committed relationship when it comes to female friendships for men?
> Also, to clarify - I was okay with this friendship as they would be conversing about topics I have little knowledge of.
> ...


Having Female friends doesn't have to be an issue. In this case it would be especially since the truth is being withheld 

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## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

soulpotato said:


> Definitely not appropriate for him to remain “friends” with people who aren’t friends of the marriage. (Not a friendship - more like an emotional affair.)


That is how I see it! Almost like he wishes to continue it or keep her as a back up. It's such an awful feeling & even when things are going well I feel like maybe it's just an illusion.

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## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

GatorXP said:


> Having Female friends doesn't have to be an issue. In this case it would be especially since the truth is being withheld
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Do you believe that when only part of the story is being told - Is that a lie to you???
When my partner doesn't tell me he is talking to that particular "female friend" - He says he is doing it so I don't get upset. He does however continue to maintain this friendship. At the detriment of ours it seems....

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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She needs to go. Fast. Before she ruins your relationship. And she will. 


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

From a male perspective:

He is purposefully developing a relationship with her and is more than likely already having a physical relationship with her already.

I'm a man. I don't have female friends unless I want in their pants, unless they're ugly, old as hell, or just friends period. If they call me all the time, they aren't wanting to be friends. If I answer and enjoy their conversation, it's because I'm interested in talking in person and getting in their britches.
What man likes to talk in the phone?
(I'm just telling you I do t waste time talking on friendly terms daily with women I am not "interested" in. And I don't think I'm an exceptional jerk, just a normal guy.

This is quite obviously an affair partner or a soon to be one.

You aren't crazy. Don't be gaslighted.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

montage_dawn said:


> That is how I see it! Almost like he wishes to continue it or keep her as a back up. It's such an awful feeling & even when things are going well I feel like maybe it's just an illusion.
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


I can imagine how terrible it feels. This is eroding your relationship and draining energy that should be going towards you and the marriage. It’s a definite threat. You should have him read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

montage_dawn said:


> Do you believe that when only part of the story is being told - Is that a lie to you???
> When my partner doesn't tell me he is talking to that particular "female friend" - He says he is doing it so I don't get upset. He does however continue to maintain this friendship. At the detriment of ours it seems....
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


100% - dishonesty by omission is still dishonesty. 

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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

montage_dawn said:


> Do you believe that when only part of the story is being told - Is that a lie to you???
> When my partner doesn't tell me he is talking to that particular "female friend" - He says he is doing it so I don't get upset. He does however continue to maintain this friendship. At the detriment of ours it seems....
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


Also I will say since your not getting the whole story. You are only being shown what he wants you to see, which means your partner is an impostor and no partner at all.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He clearly has no boundaries with the opposite sex. Make it clear that this cant go on or you will leave.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Do you have male friends similar to this woman's frienship with your partner? If your answer is no, then he shouldn't have this type of friendship either. How would your partner feel if you were the one with the so called hidden frienship with a guy?

You need to sit your partner down and have a serious talk with him. This friendship makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to share him with any other females as I am pretty sure he would not want to share you with other male friends either. He can have all the male friends he wants, but females are a big no no. Same with you of course. 

If after telling him this friendship bothers you and he does not stop, your relationship is in big trouble because he prefers a so called friend to his psrtner and the mother of his child. That would spesk volumes as to who is more important in his life, you and his child or her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

montage_dawn said:


> That is how I see it! Almost like he wishes to continue it or keep her as a back up. It's such an awful feeling & even when things are going well I feel like maybe it's just an illusion.
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


He is getting his ego stroked by this woman and others.If he keeps conversing with them they will eventually meet and that is when your troubles will really start.
He can only keep them attracted to him for so long just talking,eventually he will have to take it to the next step or lose them.What his decision will be is something only he knows.
You need to have a serious talk with him about you’re future because this isn’t going away.The camping trip,the woman willing to travel 600 km just to visit,what do you think would have happened if either of these things had actually happened.


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## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

xMadame said:


> She needs to go. Fast. Before she ruins your relationship. And she will.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree, I also see that some of the wording I have heard via my partner exposes the way she truly feels. She sees him as a backup plan. I am sure of it. You don't talk about all the problems in a relationship on her end & then say to a male 'friend' - I am really attracted to more of a masculine man - Someone like my partner! That being said, she is still with her partner... I don't think he knows about the crush either, I think he would hit the roof if he did!

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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

montage_dawn said:


> I agree, I also see that some of the wording I have heard via my partner exposes the way she truly feels. She sees him as a backup plan. I am sure of it. You don't talk about all the problems in a relationship on her end & then say to a male 'friend' - I am really attracted to more of a masculine man - Someone like my partner! That being said, she is still with her partner... *I don't think he knows about the crush either, I think he would hit the roof if he did!
> *
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


So tell him. Expose this "friendship" to the woman's partner. Using her own words no less. 

You have a new baby together, I would be total momma Grizzly Bear were I in your shoes. And then I'd cut my losses quickly if my partner was unable to see how blessed he was to have me (exclusively) and our child in his life. 

My concern is that your partner may have a rather unsavory pattern and you'll run into this scenario again.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Unsavory about sums it up.

You are the most vulnerable living being on the planet- pregnant and then caring for a newborn and the father of the baby is going camping. With a woman. Who has a crush. 
But it rains.


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## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

Don't Panic said:


> So tell him. Expose this "friendship" to the woman's partner. Using her own words no less.
> 
> You have a new baby together, I would be total momma Grizzly Bear were I in your shoes. And then I'd cut my losses quickly if my partner was unable to see how blessed he was to have me (exclusively) and our child in his life.
> 
> My concern is that your partner may have a rather unsavory pattern and you'll run into this scenario again.


I sooooo want to but I get the feeling that it might cause more issues between us. I just wish I knew the solution! 

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Don't bring it up.
Just shut your mouth and don't disturb your man.

Trust me- there will be many sun- filled campsites in his future that won't include you.

You'll be home changing diapers.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Not appropriate. From the male point of view he has probably physically cheated already. You just caught his sloppiness.


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## montage_dawn (Apr 18, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Don't bring it up.
> Just shut your mouth and don't disturb your man.
> 
> Trust me- there will be many sun- filled campsites in his future that won't include you.
> ...


So you believe I should let him carry on talking and spending time with someone he had a crush on??? And then ignore it, bend over & take it up the a$$????

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Did you take the time to read my other post?

Scroll up.

You should file for divorce NOW.

YOU are playing ostrich and the longer you put your head in the sand the longer you" bend over & take it up the ass"

Is this going to or might "cause more issues" ?

Absolutely. You control what issues are worth causing issues about.

So cause what ever issues YOU feel are worth causing for you and your child.

The gal pal glammper does not give one **** about you and neither does her tent mate- I.e your husband and father of your child.

What would have happened if it did not rain that weekend. ?Darn those pesky weather patterns.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

montage_dawn said:


> I sooooo want to but I get the feeling that it might cause more issues between us. I just wish I knew the solution!
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk[/QUOTE
> 
> The solution is that you tell him that this isn't appropriate and that he stops all contact. If he doesn't then he can leave. Its not as if its just texting(which is bad enough) he was going to go away with her and do you honestly think that they wouldn't have shared a tent???


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

i would like to remove my comment.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

montage_dawn said:


> I sooooo want to but I get the feeling that it might cause more issues between us. I just wish I knew the solution!
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


Can’t you get it into your head that this is exactly what him and his girlfriend are depending on.You want to be “nice” and not cause any upheaval in your marriage.
Do you think she gives a **** about you or your child.She wants your husband and you need to fight back if you want to keep him.
Expose.Expose.Expose.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

montage_dawn said:


> I sooooo want to but I get the feeling that it might cause more issues between us. I just wish I knew the solution!
> 
> Sent from my HTC_PN071 using Tapatalk


Here is the solution: either SHE goes, or HE goes. PERIOD!! This is completely out of line and unacceptable!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sandcastle said:


> Don't bring it up.
> Just shut your mouth and don't disturb your man.
> 
> Trust me- there will be many sun- filled campsites in his future that won't include you.
> ...


Say WHAT??!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Say WHAT??!!


We really need a sarcasm font here at TAM.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Male point of view here, married 18 years. 
Unless you know the woman is simply unnatractive in any way, your husband should not be friends with her period end of story. 
in my marriage, we do not have same sex friends on social media or in life. We have coworkers who we must interact with, but it ends there. 
Your husband led a woman on to believe he is single, he is looking to cheat with her. Your husband has a female friend who he admiringly had a crush on and has secret contact with her? He is likely cheating or wanting to cheat with her. 
Guard your marriage. Fellas, do not let another man befriend your wife. Do not let another man take her to lunch or dinner. Tell her not to accept small gifts or compliments or anything from any man. She has to know that all compliments and gifts come from you, and you need to keep them coming or someone else will. Send flowers to her office, send her cookies and candies and treats throughout the year, show up unexpectedly from time to time just to let everyone there know she's yours. 
Ladies, show up at his workplace from time to time, send a gift, give him compliments and be his cheerleader. Be jealous, stand in the way of anyone attempting to come into your marriage and break up your family. I'm glad my wife protects us, and I do the same with her. She's been an angel for 18 years as far as I know and I keep an eye on everything. When something seems off I dig deeper and she's never let me down. I sadly cannot say the same, I've let her down a few times, but she's caught things before they get too far. Nip it in the bud the moment you suspect any flirting or friendships or anything. Forget being progressive and liberated, protect your marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> We really need a sarcasm font here at TAM.


LOL! You are right... I was really really hoping this was sarcasm!


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