# Confused wife



## suzziegirl (Aug 14, 2012)

I would like other peoples thoughts on my situation.
Some would say I am a very lucky girl but this situation has me second guessing myself. 
My husband and I have always discussed fantasies and dirty talk. During our last holiday we met a great guy and cutting a long story short and after much encouragement from my husband I had sex with him (The nly other man i've had since I met my husband 15 years ago).
Now my husband really got off on this and since has wanted me to met other guys and have sex.
He seems to be obsessed with this topic. I should not be complaining but as I said earlier this has me thinking about if his desires are healthy.
Appreciate others thoughts??


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I think I just heard the sound of somebody opening a big can of worms. lol... If you still have sex with your husband you are what some refer to as a "Hotwife" . If you do not have sex with him anymore, or it is very limited and controlled by you he is a " Cuckold". Has he told you he is only interested in you having sex with other men as he does not want to have sex with other women? Also his appetite for this will increase unless dictated by you. ( ie: eventually he may ask you to do a gang bang ) There is lots of info and even forums on the net you can go to with more explicit questions. Is this usual sexual behavior? I would have to say no.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

suzziegirl said:


> Some would say I am a very lucky girl


Some might, but I wouldn't. Whats lucky about a man wanting his wife to have sex with another man? IMO, marriage vows are and should remain sacred. Some fantasies should remain just that, fantasy. There are many fantasies couples can act out together that doesn't involve third parties. 

Even if you feel their is no problem right now, and your husband feels the same, chances are there could be problems down the road. Most of the time these types of "fantasies" never work out and cause many problems in the marriage at some point. 

If you were against having sex with another man do you think your husband would be ok with it? Or would he pitch a fit because you're not fullfilling "HIS fantasy. I have a feeling this is more about him anyway.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I wouldn't call you a lucky girl at all.

My ex asked me to participate in an orgy or similar situation during a period of reconciling. I've never felt so devalued in my life. 

If your relationship has been monogamous until now why the sudden change in him? it sounds fishy to me. I think you need to find out why suddenly this is what your husband wants, and if you're not ok with it, he needs to drop it.

These things are normal in porn and dysfunctional relationships usually.. I find something really off about a married loving husband wanting his wife sitting on some other man and you should too.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

suzziegirl said:


> I would like other peoples thoughts on my situation.
> *Some would say I am a very lucky girl *but this situation has me second guessing myself.
> My husband and I have always discussed fantasies and dirty talk. During our last holiday we met a great guy and cutting a long story short and after much encouragement from my husband I had sex with him (The nly other man i've had since I met my husband 15 years ago).
> Now my husband really got off on this and since has wanted me to met other guys and have sex.
> ...


Would love to read your thoughts on why you would think that other married people would consider you "lucky". If my H wanted me to have OM, I would want out of the marriage as I would question his wishes to share me.

And yes, actually you should be complaining. What happened to "forsaking ALL others"? No, his desires to watch you with OM is not healthy. In other words you are saying that he needs to see you with OM in order to get satisfaction from you? He can't do it alone?


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

In a partner sharing situation such as yours, on the male side you generally have two responses: arousal or possessive jealousy.

The arousal part seems to be linked to a biological response present in most mammals. If a male suspects that his mate has been penetrated by another his body ups the sperm production by up to 10 times and he experiences a powerful urge to ejaculate in his mate. 

This can be an electrifying experience for a man and an experience that he would like to repeat. 

This of course if the jealousy which is also a natural circuit does not block.

Did he experience this urge, did you spend the next week having a lot of sex?

On the woman's side of things the most common negative response is to feel devalued. "He does not love me if he is sharing me". This comes from a circuit in the brain that formed way before sex was recreational. When sex is associated with pregnancy and a man's resources where needed for the survival of the offspring sharing a partner would indeed have serious complications.

Nowadays this circuit still exists and influences our sexual behavior. 

Even though they approach this situation in different ways both men and women can experience powerful negative and positive emotions in partner sharing.

On the woman's side of things she can enjoy the excitement of the newness and adventure that every woman has unless negative emotions block. 

As far as it being healthy. It can be a positive activity in your relationship creating excitement and diversity and it can also destabilize it if jealousy and possessiveness take over.

The people that generally experience the positive side have a few things in common: 

- solid relationship where both partner's emotional needs are met
- sexual mature confidence on both sides. The ability to control sexuality and emotions. 
- open, complete and honest communication. Setting evolving boundaries both partners agree with and respecting them.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What are your true thoughts and feeling on the issue? Obviously you're confused and having doubts on the issue. However, I must ask, did you go along with this because its what HE wanted? Maybe you did it so he wouldn't be mad or upset? 

Just in case you went along with it so he wouldn't be upset, and just in case you really didn't want to, never compromise your beliefs or how you feel on certain issues just to make someone else happy. Yes, I believe in compromises and sacrificing etc on certain things, but not at the expense of possibly ruining/losing your marriage over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Doesn't matter what we think. It's your marriage.


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## Hira (Aug 16, 2012)

I must say that you are not in a good situation but you have to deal it carefully as marriage is a name of sacrifices from both ends.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Is your husband present when you have sex with the other guy?


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## suzziegirl (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks all for your replies. In short my initial feeling was to say NO but I did think I would disappoint my husband by saying no.
He watched one encounter and not he other. 
I have never seen him so horny when he discusses these encounters which is maybe more of a concern...
But to be honest the chat excites me but I agree with several of you this is not normal.....


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## rpgmomma8404 (Aug 18, 2012)

suzziegirl said:


> Thanks all for your replies. In short my initial feeling was to say NO but I did think I would disappoint my husband by saying no.
> He watched one encounter and not he other.
> I have never seen him so horny when he discusses these encounters which is maybe more of a concern...
> But to be honest the chat excites me but I agree with several of you this is not normal.....


Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this subject. Some might not find it normal and maybe even see it as taboo in a sense. I think if it works for you both then enjoy it but if you are only doing this to please him, stop. 

I personally don't believe humans were made to be monogamous but that is just my opinion (I don't think many would agree with that, lol). 

You should do what you feel comfortable with. Don't do it just to please him.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If monogamy were natural it wouldn't take so much work and we wouldn't need to set up so many boundaries with our partners.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Having children is natural and that also takes a lot of work, and requires setting up boundaries with them. 

So - I think that's kind of a logic fail.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

To the OP,
Are you feeling confused because you are worried about how your husband views you?
Don't be surprised if he starts telling you to go out an meet random men,have sex with them and report these encounters back to him,in order for his to get his sexual arousal and release.

Expect sexual intimacy between both of you to diminish, because this is all about HIS own fantasy. If both of you were on the same level,then you would NOT be feeling confused.
He is dominating you.
You are his submissive


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Having children is natural and that also takes a lot of work, and requires setting up boundaries with them.
> 
> So - I think that's kind of a logic fail.


Your comparing apples and oranges. Yes RAISING children takes alot of work, but unlike monogamy you do not have to battle AGAINST the natural instinct to do otherwise.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Speaking of 'having children' the instinct to procreate is precisely the one that makes monogamy difficult for our species. Not mpossible, just difficult. Thanks for the irony Starstarfish.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

suzziegirl said:


> I would like other peoples thoughts on my situation.
> Some would say I am a very lucky girl but this situation has me second guessing myself.
> My husband and I have always discussed fantasies and dirty talk. During our last holiday we met a great guy and cutting a long story short and after much encouragement from my husband I had sex with him (The nly other man i've had since I met my husband 15 years ago).
> Now my husband really got off on this and since has wanted me to met other guys and have sex.
> ...


You SHOULD be complaining! And bitterly!

He says he loves you, yet he puts you at risk of HIV and STDs?

And NO condom is a 100 percent guarantee against an STD or getting pregnant.

Couple of scenarios.

You find out that one of the lovers your husband found for you has given you an STD or made you HIV positive. How could your husband fix that?

Now, supposing you still are fertile, what if your birth control method fails and one of the lovers your husband found for you leaves you pregnant? What would your husband do to fix that? 

He has pushed you this far, how far would you be willing to let him push you before you say: "No!"?


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## suzziegirl (Aug 14, 2012)

I have been wondering about Monogamy........
I too question if it is natural to only have sex with the same person for years because you are married.
Maybe instead of cheating if you are both on the same page it can work...Thats where i am at.
I know its up too the individual at the end of the day but I love the fact I can get others opinions on the site


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

suzziegirl said:


> I have been wondering about Monogamy........
> I too question if it is natural to only have sex with the same person for years because you are married.
> Maybe instead of cheating if you are both on the same page it can work...Thats where i am at.
> I know its up too the individual at the end of the day but I love the fact I can get others opinions on the site


And you can get a std, too! Won't _*that *_be spiffy?!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you're not into Monogamy, then do not get married.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

There is a theory that for men the idea their partner has had sex with another man stimulates them to generate increased amounts of sperm to 'compete' with the sperm of the other man. Presumably this increased sperm production is sensed as increased arousal. At a base level I think that is what he is feeling.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

suzziegirl said:


> Thanks all for your replies. In short my initial feeling was to say NO but I did think I would disappoint my husband by saying no.
> He watched one encounter and not he other.
> I have never seen him so horny when he discusses these encounters which is maybe more of a concern...
> But to be honest the chat excites me but I agree with several of you this is not normal.....


I don't have any research to back this up, but it's possible he's attracted to men. The thought of a man and woman together would be like combining two really good things.

I say that because that _lack_ of attraction to men is what really bothers me when thinking of my gf being with other men. Her being with an attractive woman wouldn't bother me so much because then it would be with someone that I too would want to be with. I have no experience with any of this; I'm just thinking in my head.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Call me naive or close minded but to me, sex is the ultimate level of affection you show to someone else. You're sharing your body and many times your mind with them at a truly intimate level. I cherish my wife sharing that with me and if she shared it with someone else, than that would cheapen it's meaning to me and suddenly I'm not as special.

IMHO, one of the critical components of a long term marriage is your ability to show your spouse that they are special and more important than anyone else. The more things you take away from your ability to do that, the harder it becomes.

To me, your husband is putting his "personal thrills" ahead of your marriage. His priorities are messed up. Your intimacy towards each other is less important than the thrill he gets out of watching you with another man. That's how it appears to me. And that's wrong.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

hubby doesn't love you. He sees you as a way to fulfill his fantasies.He is putting your physical health at risk (STD). and your emotional health too. If you wasn't bothered by this you would not be asking others opinions here.

I know a guy who wanted this, now he wont even have sex with his wife anymore. ( he views her as dirty) so so sad and he is the one who talked her into it. and she didn't want to, but done it for him.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but you are an object to him. You deserve better ...YOU are a precious human being with feelings, not an object


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