# Too overweight for sex?



## Mom2tripodrot (9 mo ago)

The last few months my husband just stopped having sex with me. I’d always ask or try and initiate and he was never interested. When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself. 
I’ve been limited on walking the last 4 years and the last 2 haven’t walked unassisted until very recently. I go to 6-7 appointments a week to try and get better. 
I did gain a considerable amount of weight but at my heaviest he still had sex with me. I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have). 

My biggest issue is he doesn’t see a problem with what he said and doesn’t think I have a reason to be upset about it. 
I just honesty don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together 10 years and it seems like this could be the beginning of the end. 
Help???


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If the only thing that has changed is that you’re losing weight, it sounds like the weight is an excuse. Have you asked him if he’s having an affair? He is likely using your weight to justify his cheating and his eventual exit. But even if he’s not cheating, to say something like that and basically shut down the sexual part of your marriage without discussion is not something a loving spouse does. I would start getting your affairs in order, putting money away, get a job if you don’t have one and start distancing yourself from him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> The last few months my husband just stopped having sex with me. I’d always ask or try and initiate and he was never interested. When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself.
> I’ve been limited on walking the last 4 years and the last 2 haven’t walked unassisted until very recently. I go to 6-7 appointments a week to try and get better.
> I did gain a considerable amount of weight but at my heaviest he still had sex with me. I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have).
> 
> ...


There isn't enough information here to jump to "he's an asshole and cheating!!". 

How much weight did you gain? Why did you gain it? Did the mobility issues cause the weight gain, or did the weight gain cause the mobility issues? How long did you let this go before getting treatment? 

I understand you're treating it now, but that does little if resentment has built up for years. Resentment can make any progress sort of invisible to him. I also understand that he used to have sex and now he suddenly won't, but sometimes you can only force it for so long (and we don't know if he was or not).


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> The last few months my husband just stopped having sex with me. I’d always ask or try and initiate and he was never interested. When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself.
> I’ve been limited on walking the last 4 years and the last 2 haven’t walked unassisted until very recently. I go to 6-7 appointments a week to try and get better.
> I did gain a considerable amount of weight but at my heaviest he still had sex with me. I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have).
> 
> ...


First, keep treating your weight gain for your health, if nothing else. 
Second, if the weight gain is an issue, he may come around as you keep making progress. 
Congrats on your progress.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Having a somewhat sex body is important to many men. we do not know your husband, but he may be one of those men.

but it is only on part of the equation.

Having a sexy personality is pretty important too. a man enjoys when his partner ACTS sexy. she wears some lingerie, surprises him by rubbing his sex parts, freely gives oral sex and enjoys it, yanks on him in forbidden places to get him hard, sends him dirty sex pics on his phone to make him horny, quietyl talk dirty to him. and so on.

Now you might say "i am too overweight for lingerie", but they DO make lingerie for plus size women. Lacy and stretchie things that are flattering to your body. 

Yes continuing to lose weight will help. but are you already doing the above OTHER things to keep him horny?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sorry you're having the mobility problems because I'm in the same boat and it would be impossible for me to lose weight. Like you I'm doing physical therapy a few days a week but that doesn't make you lose weight.

If he used to still have sex with you when you were at your heaviest and he doesn't now then it's something going on with him. I take it you guys are not particularly Young so it's entirely possible he is losing some of his sex drive or even starting to have erectile dysfunction problems. I don't know if it's possible that he can be having an affair because he probably would be if he could but unless he's super attractive and got something going for him then I doubt if he could but of course he could be seeing prostitutes or something like that. He also could be substituting watching p*** and masturbating for having sex with you which seems to be the most common problem today. 

I hope you get feeling better. Don't let him make you feel bad. You can't help when you get mobility problems and stuff.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> My biggest issue is he doesn’t see a problem with what he said and doesn’t think I have a reason to be upset about it.


Despite the fact that @TexasMom1216 and @DownByTheRiver are piling on your husband, essentially accusing him of everything from having an affair to seeing prostitutes, I am going to agree with @bobert that there's not enough information here to jump to any conclusions. 

I think there are a lot of potential alternative explanations, and actually having an affair is, in my view, a less likely explanation for your husband. By my own reading of TAM stories, it seems to me that male and female cheaters don't seem to cut off their spouses from sex equally. It seems to me that women cheaters are more likely to cut their husbands off, presumably because their loyalties have shifted, while the men cheaters are more likely to try to "have their cake and eat it too" and continue to have sex with their wives while maintaining a honey on the side. 

My first thought was actually erectile dysfunction. His erotic feelings toward you may factor in that as well, because even if you've been heavier in the past, if his equipment is not working as well as it used to, then a level of physical attraction which used to work for him may not cut it any more to achieve an erection. He then feeds you the half-truth by saying it's just the attraction, but leaving out the ED half of the equation.

Cutting to what you say is your "biggest issue", the fact that he said he wasn't finding you attractive because of weight, my response to that would depend the circumstances and the manner of delivery of that statement. If he said it in a flippant and cold way, then it would most certainly come across as unfeeling and insulting. On the other hand, if he was asked in a serious manner, telling him that you wanted the truth from him of why he didn't initiate any more, and he answered honestly, he may feel that he's been tricked and treated unfairly---that he's getting punished for giving the honest answer he was asked to give. So, his belief that "he doesn't think you have a reason to be upset about it" would depend upon the circumstances of your conversation as to whether his belief was justified.


So, again, I agree with @bobert ; there is not enough background here for me to draw any conclusions.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Regardless of cheating or not cheating, sexual desire or not, there is a fundamental issue here that @TexasMom1216 mentioned.

A loving spouse would not leave you to deal with this alone like this.

Whether the weight loss solution is medical, emotional, psychological, whatever, he should be helping you through it.

The sexual part has solutions for sure, but maybe not exactly as you want. Regardless, intimacy of some nature can still be felt between you two.

So, I agree with TM and others… he is moving on. You should brace yourself for that, and make appropriate plans. I’m really sorry @Mom2tripodrot that you find yourself in this spot.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you talked to your doctor about weight loss?
they have this relatively new thing, where they put a small balloon in your stomach and fill it up with water. then you can only eat small portions at a time as your stomach is constantly full. you WILL lose weight. 

and the best thing, it is not actual surgery and is easily reversed at any time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sorry you're going through this issue, OP. I've often thought love and chemistry are connected, like if your husband loves you (assuming he shows this to you in other ways), then the chemistry should still remain, even if you've gained weight. But, the more threads I read on here about issues like this, the more I wonder if there is a disconnect for some people between love and sexual chemistry.

It may be difficult to hear but chemistry is either there or it isn't, and perhaps your husband while still caring about and loving you, doesn't feel that sense of sexual chemistry. But, the problem is that it's out of your control to a degree, it's not like you have purposely tried to gain weight. I think it would be helpful if he went on the 'journey' with you to helping you find ways to lose the weight, and perhaps he will begin to view you in an entirely new light. I have a friend who is married and over weight, and she often laments that she feels alone in the battle with her health issues, which it seems like happens often with couples when one or the other spouse gains weight.

But, I wouldn't think 'the beginning of the end' just yet. Maybe have a heart to heart talk with your husband, not about sex, but about your own frustrations with your weight gain, and how you'd like his support in turning the corner with it. You post that he doesn't seem to think you're doing anything about it, so it may not just be the physical weight gain that is turning him off, as much as he feels you don't care about his opinion of your appearance. I'm just guessing, but that could play a part in his disinterest of having sex with you.

If he becomes distant in other ways, and refuses to be a true partner to you in supporting your weight loss journey, then you may have a difficult decision to make. Best wishes to you on this.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this issue, OP. I've often thought love and chemistry are connected, like if your husband loves you (assuming he shows this to you in other ways), then the chemistry should still remain, even if you've gained weight. But, the more threads I read on here about issues like this, the more I wonder if there is a disconnect for some people between love and sexual chemistry.


It's not just that.....

I guess it really depends to what degree....

People like to dismiss appearance as shallow, but let's face it, in many cases that's how relationships begin...If a woman was....say 125 lb when they met and is now 190, then in reality she isn't "the same"...Its a very good possibility that if she was 190 when they met, the relationship would have never began...I mean, what would a woman say if the 6' tall guy she met became 5'2"? Its the same deal, really...

For most men, sexual attraction has a lot to do with appearance... The "chemistry" you are referring to could for these guys mean how her hip/waist ratio appears... how her ass looks in a pair of jeans, etc....

I get it...Life happens, people get older and things aren't as easy as they were....But people take that concept a bit too far...I know its harder for women, but there are plenty of older women who aren't overweight and unkempt...It takes work and some discipline...

As for the OP...My guess is the guy is resentful so he decided to take his ball(his sexual attraction) and go home...He may even still be somewhat sexually attracted, but maybe is trying to motivate her to take her weight gain seriously by being passive aggressive....May or may not work, but I don't know what is going on in his head... At least it got enough of her attention to actually seek advice on a forum, so who knows?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> It's not just that.....
> 
> I guess it really depends to what degree....
> 
> ...


Yea, I don't disagree. I went on to say after that paragraph, that chemistry is what it is. I don't think it's shallow to want my husband to stay in shape and be physically attractive. And it's not shallow that he is physically attracted to me...and if either of us were to gain a considerable amount of weight, we might be turned off through no fault of our own. Not sure you can manufacture chemistry if it's not there ...but that said, I don't think I'd abandon him because I'd wonder what was going on from a health perspective. Maybe OP's husband has gone that route, not enough info to determine, and he's checking out because he feels she doesn't care as much as he'd like her to. Hard to say, really.

But, chemistry isn't shallow, and honestly...I've seen things happen the other way too, for example - one or the other spouse gains weight, but they divorce, and after six months, they've dropped the weight and morph into an entirely new person because they're now back to dating, again. I think that the OP is trying to lose weight but perhaps her husband doesn't see the trying part.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Some men don't mind, some men do... attraction is what it is...but I do agree that it's also matter of chemistry.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself.


You asked him a question, and he answered it. What answer would have been acceptable, if he's telling you truthfully how he feels? It's hard to hear, but if it's the truth, at least you know what the problem is and how to work on solving it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> My first thought was actually erectile dysfunction. His erotic feelings toward you may factor in that as well, because even if you've been heavier in the past, if his equipment is not working as well as it used to, then a level of physical attraction which used to work for him may not cut it any more to achieve an erection. He then feeds you the half-truth by saying it's just the attraction, but leaving out the ED half of the equation.


A lot of men blame anything but themselves when the equipment doesnt rise to the occasion. I bet that is a big part of this, he cant perform so blames you. There was one woman on here whose husband blamed dog barking outside or room too hot.



BeyondRepair007 said:


> Whether the weight loss solution is medical, emotional, psychological, whatever, he should be helping you through it.


Indeed. “In sickness snd in health”. How would he feel if roles were reversed


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> My biggest issue is he doesn’t see a problem with what he said and doesn’t think I have a reason to be upset about it.


You're the only person who was there. You're the only one who knows how he said it, his tone and his inference. And other posters are correct, it's not a lot of information.

Do YOU think there's any saving this marriage? You can really tell who on this forum has never really had to lose weight. They have NO idea how difficult it is or how long it takes, they think you have a salad for lunch for a week and lose 20 lbs., they have no idea what a long and difficult process it is and how hard it is to stay motivated when you see negligible results after months and months of hard work. Healthy weight loss for a middle-aged woman is 1-2 lbs. a week. It takes a long time before that is visible, depending on how much you have to lose. It is really hard and it's going to be even harder when you have someone looking down their nose at you in disgust while you struggle. Only you know the real details, maybe it was new when you posted and your feelings were raw and after thinking about it, maybe it wasn't as cruel as you thought. Only you can say that. But be honest with yourself, brutally so, about the struggle you have in front of you to get healthy again and whether he will be a help or a hindrance on that journey. It's hard enough with someone encouraging you, when you have someone who is either ambivalent or contemptuous breaking you down all the time, who won't acknowledge the progress and be supportive, is that really better than doing this on your own?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bobert said:


> There isn't enough information here to jump to "he's an asshole and cheating!!".
> 
> How much weight did you gain? Why did you gain it? Did the mobility issues cause the weight gain, or did the weight gain cause the mobility issues? How long did you let this go before getting treatment?
> 
> I understand you're treating it now, but that does little if resentment has built up for years. Resentment can make any progress sort of invisible to him. I also understand that he used to have sex and now he suddenly won't, but sometimes you can only force it for so long (and we don't know if he was or not).


Yep, he should always be kind to you, but you are attracted to what you are attracted to. Men are not like women in the sense that you have to be attracted a least a little bit for our equipment to work, especially when you are a little older. That is just how it works. 

I think it's totally fair to expect your spouse to priorities your attraction them to a reasonable degree. It's also reasonable to be disappointed if they don't. 

My question would be what is limiting your mobility? Is it a health situation? This is what we don't know, so I can't make a judgment either way, accept to say he should be kind. If you have let your weight spiral to the point where you have trouble walking even besides his attraction you need to do something about that. You kind of have a responsibility to do that, for everyone in your life. That is not being mean, this is just life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> The last few months my husband just stopped having sex with me. I’d always ask or try and initiate and he was never interested. When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself.
> I’ve been limited on walking the last 4 years and the last 2 haven’t walked unassisted until very recently. I go to 6-7 appointments a week to try and get better.
> I did gain a considerable amount of weight but at my heaviest he still had sex with me. I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have).
> 
> ...


You have every right to be upset. However, when people are hurting, they sometimes lash out to those that they love in destructive ways.

You need to put this in context. My suggestion would be to get some joint marriage counseling and tell him with the marriage counselor how devastating the comment was to you. You will need to understand that you each probably have some issues that need to be resolved and a neutral party to referee your discussions could help.

Good luck.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, I don't disagree. I went on to say after that paragraph, that chemistry is what it is. I don't think it's shallow to want my husband to stay in shape and be physically attractive. And it's not shallow that he is physically attracted to me...and if either of us were to gain a considerable amount of weight, we might be turned off through no fault of our own. Not sure you can manufacture chemistry if it's not there ...but that said, I don't think I'd abandon him because I'd wonder what was going on from a health perspective. Maybe OP's husband has gone that route, not enough info to determine, and he's checking out because he feels she doesn't care as much as he'd like her to. Hard to say, really.
> 
> But, chemistry isn't shallow, and honestly...I've seen things happen the other way too, for example - one or the other spouse gains weight, but they divorce, and after six months, they've dropped the weight and morph into an entirely new person because they're now back to dating, again. I think that the OP is trying to lose weight but perhaps her husband doesn't see the trying part.


Taking care of yourself is an act of love towards your partner.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If you are really interested in losing weight with limited mobility then cut your carbs to no more than 20 a day. If you stick to it, don't cheat or try and find ways to cheat, then you will lose lots of weight.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If you are really interested in losing weight with limited mobility then cut your carbs to no more than 20 a day. If you stick to it, don't cheat or try and find ways to cheat, then you will lose lots of weight.


20 plates of pasta?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> 20 plates of pasta?


Imperial or metric?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

jonty30 said:


> Imperial or metric?


Metric, metric...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have).


Keep at it. Mobility issues and obesity go hand in hand. Everyone has mobility issues if they are carrying extra weight. 

It's a viscious cycle. Whether the chicken or the egg comes first doesn't matter. If you put on weight, you will have a harder time moving around and if you have a hard time moving around and you don't adjust your diet accordingly, you will put on weight. 

You have to attack that from both angles, move what you can and do whatever you can to move as well as correct your diet. The more you move, the better you can lose weight and as the weight comes off, you will better be able to move.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, what is the reason you can't walk? Is that due to the weight?


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## KaneWasc (2 mo ago)

Men love with their eyes. Of course, it hurts that you do not excite him now, but he loves you, and his physiology fails him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zombie thread


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mom2tripodrot said:


> The last few months my husband just stopped having sex with me. I’d always ask or try and initiate and he was never interested. When I finally had enough and confronted him he told me it’s because I’m too overweight. He’s just not attracted to the way I look and I don’t do anything to help myself.
> I’ve been limited on walking the last 4 years and the last 2 haven’t walked unassisted until very recently. I go to 6-7 appointments a week to try and get better.
> I did gain a considerable amount of weight but at my heaviest he still had sex with me. I did lose weight and have been actively working on losing more. (It’s just hard with the mobility issues I have).
> 
> ...


 I completely understand how mobility issues prevent staying at a certain weight. You are doing what you can. He's not very mature to not be more flexible. He may be having sex elsewhere. He may be looking at porn and comparing you to that. Maybe try marriage counseling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"A Zombie Cat's work is never done," said Zombie Cat, with a somewhat dramatic sigh. "But as the OP only posted once, eight months ago and hasn't visited the forum since then, this must be the definition of a zombie thread, if ever there was one."


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