# Looking while Seperated



## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

Once Seperated, but not Divorced, Is it ok to look for comfort from other women if you are certain that there will be no reconciliation with the STBX?

If so, how long before it is ok to do this? 

Would you consider this Cheating (I assume that "Legally" it would be) or if you are mutually "Seperated" does this means its ok as long as you are completely open with the other women?

:scratchhead:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can't ask for consensus on what 'Ok' looks like.

You need to decide for yourself.

My usual advice is make sure that the relationship you are currently in is over, prior to looking to start a new one with someone else.

That said, I was separated for almost 4 years prior to divorce ... and yes, I dated plenty. 

If you are considering or uncertain about reconciliation, kindling a new romance is toxic ... for you, your spouse, and whomever you involve yourself with.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I agree. I don't think it's wrong to date if you're for all intent and purposes done and just waiting for the paperwork to come through (I know that can be a tedious and drawn out process). Just be very honest with yourself about whether you really are done with your marriage and whether you are ready to move on. Whether you really are capable of being in another relationship. Be clear with potentials and move slow.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

If reconciliation is not even being considered and you are ready to move on, how long you wait is up to you. Based on when you are ready. 
Personally, I don't like the idea of being single, so I would want to jump right back into it.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

Thanks for the advise. We are both unhappy. She has "fallen out of love" and i am exhausted from trying to fix that. She is not willing to work on it. Intamacy is non-existant, and has been for 3-4 years, which adds to my frustrations. So needless to say, I will be looking to fill that void.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

up in arms said:


> Thanks for the advise. We are both unhappy. She has "fallen out of love" and i am exhausted from trying to fix that. She is not willing to work on it. Intamacy is non-existant, and has been for 3-4 years, which adds to my frustrations. So needless to say, I will be looking to fill that void.


Are you living separately? If so, I'd say yes. But if you are still at home, maybe you aren't "separated" and need to change that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

up in arms said:


> Once Seperated, but not Divorced, Is it ok to look for comfort from other women if you are certain that there will be no reconciliation with the STBX?


That is entirely up to you.



up in arms said:


> If so, how long before it is ok to do this?


That is entirely up to you. It's a personal choice.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

We are still living together, and I will not look until she moves out. the Problem is that she is having to look for a job that pays well enough for her to move out. She has been a stay at home mom and not worked since we married (6.5 years).


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

up in arms

im in the same boat as you. Me and my wife will not reconcile for i have tried with her for the past 6 months and she didn't put her part in trying. I have basically given up on my marriage and just want a divorce to move on with my life.

I know my marriage is dead so just like you i wanna start meeting new women. Im not looking to get into no long term relationship or nothing i just wanna enjoy life now. 

So in my opinion if you really feel your done with your marriage like i feel i am i don't see nothing wrong with meeting new people. Its a part of life. 

Why we gotta put our lifes on hold just because our wifes wanna be stubborn. We only live once so we gotta enjoy life. 

I know deep down in my heart that for the past 6 months i have tried hard to fix my marriage even though she's the one that messed it up. I begged and pleaded with her to save our marriage but she always kept saying she was done. 

I decided ok i will just let her go but i will now live for me.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

up in arms said:


> We are still living together, and I will not look until she moves out. the Problem is that she is having to look for a job that pays well enough for her to move out. She has been a stay at home mom and not worked since we married (6.5 years).


Let's get this straight.

You're going to get divorced.

You make enough money to support the former marital household.

She does not.

She's moving out after finding a job to support herself.

You're staying in the house because you can afford to pay for it.

In most jurisdictions you'd paying her support, possibly such an amount that you can't afford your own place anymore.

You have 3 kids, one is 2 years old. If she's the primary caregiver, odds are you'd typically be the one moving out, she'd be staying in the home with the kids cashing support checks while you barely have enough for a small apartment in a crappy neighborhood. 

I wonder if she knows this?


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

donders said:


> I wonder if she knows this?


She Knows. I "think" there is a guilt factor because she knows how good i have been to her and that i am a great father and provider to our kids. 

I mentioned that she has not worked. It was basically a decision made so she could stay at home while the kids were young. Sounded Great at the time right? But over time, i think she realizes that she may not be made to be a stay at home Mom like she thought, and now she want so accomplish something on her own without my support. While staying at home, she did go back to school online and got her Masters degree. 

The plan is to write up an agreement on our own and file an uncontested divorce when the time comes that she becomes employed and makes enough to support herself.

I just see signs that this could take a long time... which is why i asked my original question. But until we are living seperately, i don't think i have the morals that will let me actually act on anyone else...even though it crosses my mind often.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> The plan is to write up an agreement on our own and file an uncontested divorce when the time comes that she becomes employed and makes enough to support herself.
> 
> I just see signs that this could take a long time... which is why i asked my original question. But until we are living seperately, i don't think i have the morals that will let me actually act on anyone else...even though it crosses my mind often.


Ok. Here is the issue. We lived like this for a while because my wife didn't have a job. Finally, I drew the paperwork up and we did uncontested with her being the petitioner because I was sick of it. She still doesn't have a job. One thing that is cool, the mortgage can be a deviation off child support in the short term until you guys figure out what to do with the home. 

My wife got no alimony because it was something she didn't want to fuss over while I was still in the home. We worked together and came up with the agreement. The second that agreement was notarized, I moved out. My apartment is as big as our home in square footage. Love it. No lawn, quiet complex, a really nice place to "heal". 

My advice, make sure you are out of the home or she is before dating. My wife tells ppl we are already divorced when it isn't done yet. Fine by me. The second everything was signed and notorized pretty much gave me the green light. I know she isn't dating because she is mentally not there. Me, I'm having some fun, and, believe me, there is some fun to be had.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think it's wrong to date while legally separated.But i think it's wrong to date while still living with your spouse.And when you do start dating,you need to make your situation CLEAR to your dates prior to sex and intimate stuff.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't think it's wrong to date while legally separated.But i think it's wrong to date while still living with your spouse.And when you do start dating,you need to make your situation CLEAR to your dates prior to sex and intimate stuff.


I agree. At what point are you "Legally" seperated? Once you are living in seperate houses? or when the divorce is final? (Probably a dumb question on my part, but im new at this!)


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I agree. At what point are you "Legally" seperated? Once you are living in seperate houses? or when the divorce is final? (Probably a dumb question on my part, but im new at this!)


In the state of Georgia, it is defined as when you are no longer partaking in marital relations. But, in an uncontested divorce, I would say when the papers are signed and notarized waiting for the judge. If you date before getting through that, it will probably bleed over into the dating game.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

in my state we had to actually file paperwork for separation.it had to be signed by both parties and notarized.that's a legal separation prior to divorce.

if your state doesn't require that, i'd at least wait until she moves out and you've divided assets and things.She could always turn around and get you for infidelity if you start dating before you start divorce paperwork i think.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> in my state we had to actually file paperwork for separation.it had to be signed by both parties and notarized.that's a legal separation prior to divorce.
> 
> if your state doesn't require that, i'd at least wait until she moves out and you've divided assets and things.She could always turn around and get you for infidelity if you start dating before you start divorce paperwork i think.


Plus you dating while still legally married can get dangerous. Just look at the news reports. Sometimes it is best to not start a new relationship before you end an old one. When dealing with peoples emotionals you never know . You need to make sure everyone is ok with it. Also you need to be honest with everyone ,you are still a married person. So you should not be telling people you are divorced yet. It might be best to wait until you are divorce (if your spouse is not ok with it too)..


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> In the state of Georgia, it is defined as when you are no longer partaking in marital relations.


I think if a lot of us lived in Georgia, we'd be "separated"


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I think if a lot of us lived in Georgia, we'd be "separated"
> Today 08:22 AM


I know, right! If I took that definition, since 10/2010. Whew! A few more days.........that chapter is officially DONE.


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## up in arms (Sep 4, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think if a lot of us lived in Georgia, we'd be "separated"


Maybe if I just slept in a Tent out back... it would be Official! :smthumbup:


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