# You Fear your Husband-but he has never hit you??



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

this subject came up in another thread and I became curious. the question - to married ladies mainly - is whether you do /have ever feared your husband would/could hurt you??

e.g. we're talking here about husbands that have never hit you, but that may when agitated:

i. act out physically (punch walls, throw things at the wall, kick chairs etc)

ii. or raise their voice to the nth level while they turn different shades of red

iii. or look at you with very angry eyes or similar behavior

see what I mean?? do these guys provoke physical fear in you?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

For me, absolutly. I have a lower tolerance than I may have otherwise have had due to an abuse background so it doesn't even have to get that extreme before I feel in danger physically.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

No history of abuse in my background, but I too would be afraid of a man displaying the behaviors described in the OP. In fact, my ex-husband never hit me, but there were a few episodes - maybe 5 times in 21 years - when I was afraid of him. On those occasions, he would back me into corners, hold or pin my shoulders (no shaking, but that type of hold), slam doors, punch walls, throw stuff, etc., while doing the angry red-face yelling thing. A couple times he also became sexually aggressive during a tirade. I was afraid of him during those events. I was not afraid of him otherwise, and he was more typically extremely passive-aggressive and conflict-avoidant. Alcohol was always the driving factor in these episodes.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am with slowlygoingcrazy. If a husband is portraying those behaviors, he needs to seek anger management help.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When DH first moved in with me we got into a heated discussion.I eventually tuned him out and wouldn't speak until he stopped talking over me.It put him in such a state of anxiety and desperation that he put his fist through one of the walls.

I wasn't scared of him then and I'm not scared of him now.He hasn't ever done anything like that again.I think he was more scared of his reaction than I was. he could hurt me if he wanted to hurt me.But I know he never will.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes that kind of behavior would scare me. No I would not tolerate that kind of behavior, it would either change or we would divorce.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This has actually been a big issue in my relationship.
H is a tough guy, he could literally kill me with his bare hands. I wouldn't have a chance. 
When he's angry his chest puffs out, his shoulders get higher... it's f-ing scary. I can sit here now and say that I don't think he would ever hurt me, at least that much, but I can't ever _know _for sure. Just like people can't know if their spouse won't cheat or leave. 
He gets insulted if I behave like I'm scared of him hurting me (like flinching away, blocking my head, and his worst one- running away) 
In the first year he crossed my physical abuse line (grabbing me to keep me in the room, blocking the door, etc) 
He also wrestled me to the ground and sat on me to grab my phone during my EA.
But even those I can logically look at them that he wasn't trying to hurt me and that even when he was madder than I've ever seen him, he showed restraint and can stop himself when it gets too far.

I don't know, I can't stop the feeling that I'd rather be safe than sorry. How do you get to the point where you feel 100% safe and sure someone won't ever hit/kill you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotional abuse can make you become terrified of someone.

Yes, to all that you mentioned.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This has been an ongoing issue in my relatinoships. My dad was a violent alcoholic who would rampage around the house shouting and bawling. Although I never got beaten, I did get punched once and throw across the room on another occasion. Consequently, I've brought my kids up alone in a household with no shouting allowed. It seemed to be the right thing to do for the kids and they both appreciate that they were brought up in a calm and happy atmosphere.

However, in my relationships with men, I withdraw at the first sign of temper or raised voice. I refuse to join in an argument unless it's conducted in a calm manner with a view to finding a true resolution. This has caused the men involved all sorts of problems - it seems to make them more ill tempered.

In my marriage of nearly two years, I've had to be pretty insistent and teach my husband that shouting will get him nowhere. The last time he really lost his temper was about 10 months or so. He was drunk (he drinks half a bottle of scotch several days a week) and becoming more and more angry. It was during one of our early bad patches when I was just beginning to realise that he doesn't particularly have a sex drive at all. I was trying to be reasonable and discuss things with him and he just got more and more vile tempered. The argument ended with me standing up against the bedroom wall while he sat on the bed shouting and threatening dreadful forms of violence towards members of my family. I was horrified that he could say such awful things. I make a point of never saying anything unless I really mean it - I've been hurt too often by throwaway nasty remark issued in temper and would hate to have somebody spend months or even years worrying about something I'd said. However my husband is much like my mum in as much as he will say the most awful, unforgivable things and then when the argument is over forget all about it. That's fine for those of you who don't mind make remarks that devastate people. But for those of us who are sensitive to these remarks, they can cause years of pain and worry and will alter the relationship for the worse. Every time this sort of thing happens, the relationship deteriorates a little further. 

Although that particular argument with my husband is over and we haven't had one like it since (I explained to him basically what I've written above and he seems to have taken it in). However, I have still listened to him making those threats, that can't be eradicated, so it's one of the things I take into account as I assess my marriage and wonder whether it's worth staying in. Without those remarks, I might have a little more incentive to work on my marriage despite the fact that my husband does not seem willing to (he thinks our marriage is fine as all his needs are being met).


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I wouldn't tolerate any of it.

My husband has never raised a hand, or even his voice at me.

If he treated me with such disrespect that it came to screaming or hitting he would probably receive a swift kick to the gonads right back.

I have little respect for people who can't control their emotions enough to keep from yelling when they get angry. They aren't worth my time, and they certainly aren't worth being in my life.

NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.

That said. I do yell, at my pets. If my dog jumps on me with muddy feet, I will yell. But NEVER at another human being.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

doobie said:


> This has been an ongoing issue in my relatinoships. My dad was a violent alcoholic who would rampage around the house shouting and bawling. Although I never got beaten, I did get punched once and throw across the room on another occasion. Consequently, I've brought my kids up alone in a household with no shouting allowed. It seemed to be the right thing to do for the kids and they both appreciate that they were brought up in a calm and happy atmosphere.
> 
> However, in my relationships with men, I withdraw at the first sign of temper or raised voice. I refuse to join in an argument unless it's conducted in a calm manner with a view to finding a true resolution. This has caused the men involved all sorts of problems - it seems to make them more ill tempered.
> 
> ...



doobie:

first bolded statement is the best definition of genuine, emotional abuse I've seen for a long time. There are no people that are "not sensitive" to such remarks.

so based just on that your assessment of your marriage is a no-brainer. You either have to be willing to sacrifice your emotional health - virtually in total - or your marriage. I would bet your husband has some kind of personality disorder, a severe case at that. Years of intense therapy might not even purge him of this. He is not "marriage material" - as we often say about some types of people. Not for you, not for anyone. 
sorry you're in this situation.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Yes, absolutely. I can even get a little startled / skittish from any man, husband included, yelling in, like, traffic. Yelling at the game doesn't bother me though (maybe because I'm usually yelling the same things)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, that sort of behavior is frightening. At any point the husband doing those things can turn on a dime and go physical against the wife. The message of this behavior is that the wife had better do whatever he wants because next time it might be his fist through her face instead of the wall.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

First hand experience sadly tells me that Elegirl is spot on. It always escalates, it could be over a long time but it does shift. X


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> For me, absolutly. I have a lower tolerance than I may have otherwise have had due to an abuse background so it doesn't even have to get that extreme before I feel in danger physically.


That's me. Abusive childhood. I think regardless it's normal because stress tends to be contagious. Emotions in general are contagious.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes. All of the above things would scare me and make me worry when it was my turn to be punched or thrown against the wall.

And if he promised that would never happen, that he could control himself from doing that, then I would wonder why he couldn't control his other behaviours. In my mind, either he was lying and couldn't control it and hence, isn't fully in control of not hitting me one day, or he could control it but was doing something that scared me with nary a thought of how scared it made me feel.

I wouldn't stay with a man like that.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

My father was an angry man, only happy if he had a drink. I was scared of him until my 30s and I was married at 18. I always said I would never willingly live with someone like that when I had no choice as a child. Mental abuse is as bad as physical and that behaviour is just that.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My ex would take my hands and bend them back at the wrists so I would buckle at the knees in front of him. But by far, the mental abuse was worse! I have since dated only one man that made me afraid because he liked to pick fights and say things that never happened.... He didn't last long at all.


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## lakergirl (Oct 22, 2014)

I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens with an alcoholic. Compared to that, my husband is a saint. However, compared with my husband at the time that I married him, my husband is now an ass. 

On the weekend there was a big fight regarding my teenage daughter and boundaries/rules etc and he lunged at her. I honestly thought he was going to grab her or shake her or hit her. Now I am totally scared that the next time he blows up he will be more physical. The most he has done is throw/break a plate.

I honestly don't know what to do. If I can't talk to him and he won't get help I don't know how to solve this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, that would scare me. Because it would show me he couldn't control his behavior and I would fear I was next. I won't tolerate yelling/screaming or physical behaviors of rage. I can be absolutely furious without raising my voice or so much as stomping my foot. We cannot control our emotions but we certainly can control our behavior and any sign that he can't would be a problem for me.

ETA - I should also say it could also be a sign he WON'T control his behavior as well; that also indicates a problem if he doesn't care enough about my emotional well-being and our relationship to control himself (even if it means a breather by stepping outside or going to the next room to take a few deep breaths).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

lakergirl said:


> I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens with an alcoholic. Compared to that, my husband is a saint. However, compared with my husband at the time that I married him, my husband is now an ass.
> 
> On the weekend there was a big fight regarding my teenage daughter and boundaries/rules etc and he lunged at her. I honestly thought he was going to grab her or shake her or hit her. Now I am totally scared that the next time he blows up he will be more physical. The most he has done is throw/break a plate.
> 
> I honestly don't know what to do. If I can't talk to him and he won't get help I don't know how to solve this.


The solution is to issue an ultimatum and be 100% prepared to back it up. Because you can't MAKE him listen or get help. You can only control YOUR actions, not his.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> this subject came up in another thread and I became curious. the question - to married ladies mainly - is whether you do /have ever feared your husband would/could hurt you??
> 
> e.g. we're talking here about husbands that have never hit you, but that may when agitated:
> 
> ...


You asked the question. You got plenty of responses. What is your take on this? Are you surprised by the responses? Are they what you expected?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You asked the question. You got plenty of responses. What is your take on this? Are you surprised by the responses? Are they what you expected?


a bit surprised perhaps. I thought a bit more about the question myself, plus read all the responses, and my view has evolved a bit. I can see how a husband (or wife for that matter) raging against objects in the environment - kicking, smashing, throwing things etc - would be disturbing, generally frightening in and of itself. Maybe a wife would have in the back of her mind the guy turning on her, even if he never has in the past (if he has hit her before then I imagine it would be in the front of her mind). So yes I change my mind when I think it makes sense to do so.  

regarding anger - and a personal note:
Anger in men is often a red flag for depression. strong feelings - from childhood experiences especially - are too intense, so they are buried, repressed etc. somehow when they do boil up to the surface they come out as anger. In such cases it really isn't 'anger management' the guy needs as much as it is some kind of therapy to work through the depression and bring his real feelings to the surface, i.e. pain, fear, profound sadness. 
I'm exhibit A on the above BTW.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Tomara said:


> *My ex would take my hands and bend them back at the wrists so I would buckle at the knees in front of him. *But by far, the mental abuse was worse! I have since dated only one man that made me afraid because he liked to pick fights and say things that never happened.... He didn't last long at all.


Tomara:
(referring to bolded above)
I could imagine a more violent attack. But I have NEVER in my life heard of anything so mean! So sorry for you. I hope you didn't waste too much of your life with him......


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> regarding anger - and a personal note:
> Anger in men is often a red flag for depression. strong feelings - from childhood experiences especially - are too intense, so they are buried, repressed etc. somehow when they do boil up to the surface they come out as anger. In such cases it really isn't 'anger management' the guy needs as much as it is some kind of therapy to work through the depression and bring his real feelings to the surface, i.e. pain, fear, profound sadness.
> I'm exhibit A on the above BTW.


Yeah, the Freudian thinking that everythings has source in our neurosis. Read "In ship clothing" about manipulative people, the author has completely different take on it. Some people are just that way, and they do not see anything wrong iwth it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.


Right, nobody deserves physical abuse.

But some people do deserve to be yelled at, sorry to say.

For example, is someone cheats on me, I reserve the right to yell at her to get the F out of my house. General arguments or run of the mill disagreements, no. Cool heads should prevail. 

But I have a problem with anyone, and not saying this to you TheCuriousWife, that thinks they can hurt someone in a bad way, but some yelling is just unacceptable.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I am more hot tempered than my husband. We have gotten into endless fights, a couple where I was trying to make him angry and he pushed a table once and another time he banged his fists on our drawer knocking over some perfume bottles. Those terrified me. He also pushed me once and that didnt scared me it just made me feel stupid and angry. I think after that, I am scared of him. In a fight, I worry he might hit me (if he does, I will pack my stuff and leave) but I did grow up with a father who did a lot of beating to both his children and sometimes his wife. So I am more sensitive and generally scared of angry men.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

And yet you try to make him angry?


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

vellocet said:


> And yet you try to make him angry?


I used to. I would feel so hurt and he always ignored me or acted calm whenever we were fighting and it drove me crazy and I wanted a reaction. Long story. Newlyweds drama. So over that.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Anger in men is often a red flag for depression. strong feelings - from childhood experiences especially - are too intense, so they are buried, repressed etc. somehow when they do boil up to the surface they come out as anger. In such cases it really isn't 'anger management' the guy needs as much as it is some kind of therapy to work through the depression and bring his real feelings to the surface, i.e. pain, fear, profound sadness.
> I'm exhibit A on the above BTW.


yep! This is what I am witnessing/experiencing first hand. May not always be the case, but if someone who isn't usually like that suddenly is on a consistent basis, it is usually a sign that something else deeper is going on.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Ladies ,

If the husband is consistent in his threats ; he is an A***ole ; throw the towel .

If this just happen once in a blue moon , like every few month , then look at the trigger that makes the dragon fire when your man is in his cave .


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Zouz said:


> Ladies ,
> 
> If the husband is consistent in his threats ; he is an A***ole ; throw the towel .
> 
> *If this just happen once in a blue moon , like every few month ,* then look at the trigger that makes the dragon fire when your man is in his cave .


Once in a blue moon does not equal every few months. Once would be one time too many, a man that could not control his temper and lost it every few months is a pig of a man.

Never in my 48 years have I been with a man I was scared of, a man that punched walls, had uncontrollable anger and all the other hideous things mentioned here. 
I would not stay for one minute with a man like that.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Holland said:


> Once in a blue moon does not equal every few months. Once would be one time too many, a man that could not control his temper and lost it every few months is a pig of a man.
> 
> Never in my 48 years have I been with a man I was scared of, a man that punched walls, had uncontrollable anger and all the other hideous things mentioned here.
> I would not stay for one minute with a man like that.


:iagree:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MysticTeenager said:


> I used to. I would feel so hurt and he always ignored me or acted calm whenever we were fighting and it drove me crazy and I wanted a reaction. Long story. Newlyweds drama. So over that.


But you're not necessarily over that. You "trained" your husband to react emotionally and with anger.

As you stated. He started calm and, because you wanted a reaction, you pushed him to become the more aggressive person he is now. 

I'd be curious how much violence stems from a one sided environment or a two sided (such as yours MT)?

Hopefully you are trying to "train" him again.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

MysticTeenager said:


> I am more hot tempered than my husband. We have gotten into endless fights, a couple where I was trying to make him angry and he pushed a table once and another time he banged his fists on our drawer knocking over some perfume bottles. Those terrified me. He also pushed me once and that didnt scared me it just made me feel stupid and angry. I think after that, I am scared of him. In a fight, I worry he might hit me (if he does, I will pack my stuff and leave) but I did grow up with a father who did a lot of beating to both his children and sometimes his wife. So I am more sensitive and generally scared of angry men.


I know you say you're over that now. But I found it interesting that you seemed (back then at least) to be trying to recreate in your husband, the behaviours you feared in your dad. And then you say if he did X you would leave him. So you poke, poke, poke the bear and wish to punish him for snarling... almost as if you are trying to fulfill a prophecy of some sort or prove a point to yourself. 

Not saying this to put you down or provoke.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I meant by threats , just loosing temper without any physical abuse ; like throwing a dish on the floor .
a real physical insult can never be tolerated


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Men who assault their wives or girlfriends are not doing this because they lose control. they do it becuase they don't have the boundaries against hitting females, that I believe most men do have.
so the 'hitters' aren't guys losing control - they are guys exerting control, violence is one of their tools. many of them might not admit that, but I think it's the case nonetheless.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Nothing abusive about my last relationship or past ones BUT with the way my ex has been acting I would be lying that I didn't think he is lurking outside... possibly to do something stupid.

There is a very high chance of death by husband/boyfriend vs anyone else. Especially during times of significant milestones.

A good example would be the Miss Honduras story... her sister was shot by her boyfriend and she was shot in the back for trying to get away. He was jealous that the GF was dancing with some guy!!!

You can NEVER be too careful! I know of a good friend's cousin that was shot in the head by her XH as he dropped off their daughter. They had an amicable split. She survived thankfully and the guy killed himself years later when he got life/no parole.

Be safe ladies and look out for one another!


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Men who assault their wives or girlfriends are not doing this because they lose control. they do it becuase they don't have the boundaries against hitting females, that I believe most men do have.
> so the 'hitters' aren't guys losing control - they are guys exerting control, violence is one of their tools. many of them might not admit that, but I think it's the case nonetheless.


Yes. And there are also men who use yelling, throwing things, hitting walls (i.e. any violent behavior short of hitting) as tools of control because they know that a female or child witness of such behavior will retreat in terror.

You can do violence to a persons psyche as easily as violence to the body.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

vellocet said:


> Right, nobody deserves physical abuse.
> 
> But some people do deserve to be yelled at, sorry to say.
> 
> ...


I agree with this comment...(more on that below)...

I have never been on the end of physical abuse by anyone.. well my father used the belt on me *once*.. (I don't think any less of him for that -even if others may disagree).. I did a bad thing .. and I learned from it.. never did it again..

My husband is a very stable loving man who...he came from a good family & always treated women with respect... 

Even if he speaks to me in a cross way...a moment of frustration...he will feel bad & apologize...there have been times I even started laughing.. like "WOW, that was nothing...damn you are sweet!" but he felt he went too far..and wanted to let me know I didn't deserve that...

If anything, I AM THE MORE HOT TEMPERED ONE BY FAR.. but I only "bite" with my mouth (& that being verbally).....never physical...and this is few & far between... you kinda feel like a heel to yell at him...and I always make up very thoroughly.... 

I would not like living in fear with an overbearing man where I felt I couldn't talk to him , or had to walk on egg shells.... if he hit walls in frustration , I would surely think I could send him over the edge! I would seek to leave this sort of man.

Back to Vellocet's point....When we are angry and upset..I don't see anything wrong with raising our voices..sometimes it has more IMPACT... I don't mean going bat crazy explosive.. that would shut anyone down.. but the verbal in a moment would not be as big of a deal as the physical..depends on the situation & the severity of the offense...

To expect a wife -or for that matter a Husband who just learned of an affair at work...they have every right to loose it and raise their voices... the other needing to feel the heat of that sort of betrayal...and anger along with it..


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> But you're not necessarily over that. You "trained" your husband to react emotionally and with anger.
> 
> As you stated. He started calm and, because you wanted a reaction, you pushed him to become the more aggressive person he is now.
> 
> ...


I am. He isnt an angry or hot tempered person. Now, I dont push him and when he gets too angry, I dont add to the fuel, I help him calm down.

I didnt really understand your question?


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I know you say you're over that now. But I found it interesting that you seemed (back then at least) to be trying to recreate in your husband, the behaviours you feared in your dad. And then you say if he did X you would leave him. So you poke, poke, poke the bear and wish to punish him for snarling... almost as if you are trying to fulfill a prophecy of some sort or prove a point to yourself.
> 
> Not saying this to put you down or provoke.


You know what, that is exactly what I was doing. I was waiting for him to strike me so I could leave, or at least threaten to leave and maybe even hold it against him in future arugments. 
Not sure what that means. I hope I dont seem to be a terrible person.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kuKUz0z86E

I like this girl ...

I don't want to be promoting violence ; but when a man uses his hands ;he is a jerk not a man .

I disagreed with my wife 15 years , only once I used my hand : she slapped me so I hit her on her butt ...

a man should think about the concept in the same way he would think if his daughter defended herself ...

My 13 years old girl caused a guy 5 stitches on the face ;he hugged her without her permission .
she came back with a detention of 1 day because she used force at school ; the guy was suspended ; I rewarded her 100$


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

MysticTeenager said:


> I hope I dont seem to be a terrible person.


you do not seem to come even close to that.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> Yes. And there are also men who use yelling, throwing things, hitting walls (i.e. any violent behavior short of hitting) as tools of control because they know that a female or child witness of such behavior will retreat in terror.
> 
> You can do violence to a persons psyche as easily as violence to the body.


I agree and stipulated that fear is not an unreasonable reaction (from a woman) whether or not the guy has crossed the line of being physical with her. however yelling, throwing things and other tantruming is something both genders partake in. as a tool of control, aside from fear it is demonstrating how stressful life can be if the tantrumer doesn't get their way in the relationship.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Holland said:


> Once in a blue moon does not equal every few months. Once would be one time too many, a man that *could not control his temper and lost it every few months is a pig of a man.*Never in my 48 years have I been with a man I was scared of, a man that punched walls, had uncontrollable anger and all the other hideous things mentioned here.
> I would not stay for one minute with a man like that.



Holland:
why such strong feelings regarding men losing their tempers? e.g. did your father lose his temper a lot?

anyway my view is that yelling and screaming is not much different than hitting objects, throwing objects etc. all are examples of someone 'losing it.' So my view is that being married to someone who lost their temper and yelled at me a few times a year would be tolerable as long as the person otherwise brought a lot of love, loyalty and caring to the marriage. 
(BTW by "yelling" I mean raising their voice. I don't include saying horrible, unforgivable things when they yelled. that is different)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> *Holland:
> why such strong feelings regarding men losing their tempers? e.g. did your father lose his temper a lot?*
> 
> anyway my view is that yelling and screaming is not much different than hitting objects, throwing objects etc. all are examples of someone 'losing it.' So my view is that being married to someone who lost their temper and yelled at me a few times a year would be tolerable as long as the person otherwise brought a lot of love, loyalty and caring to the marriage.
> (BTW by "yelling" I mean raising their voice. I don't include saying horrible, unforgivable things when they yelled. that is different)


No, in fact the opposite. I have always been surrounded by good men, have never been subjected to a violet partner or parent.

I am allowed to have strong feelings on any subject I choose too, one does not have to have been a victim in order to see what is right and wrong.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

Yes that would definately scare me. theres nothing worse in this world than reaching the point where you'd fear the person you should actually feel totally safe with.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I wouldn't be with someone who was violent. Don't even want to be with someone who yells. Had that growing up, don't need it the rest of my life too. As for feeling fear of violence, not overly. Sparring and conditioning help with that. However, that doesn't mean I'd put up with it. If a person hasn't grown out of tantrums by adulthood, then I sure as hell don't want anything to do with them.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Holland said:


> No, in fact the opposite. I have always been surrounded by good men, have never been subjected to a violet partner or parent.
> 
> I am allowed to have strong feelings on any subject I choose too, one does not have to have been a victim in order to see what is right and wrong.



.......wasn't trying to imply one has to experience something to have strong opinions. do you feel equally strongly that a woman who loses her temper a few times a year is also a pig?
not a good woman?

just seems to me that all spouses have their bad habits. emotional abuse, physical abuse and infidelity are all deal-breakers IMO. I.e. there are no positive traits that can overcome them. Now _those_ are the kind of spouses that would have me reaching into my bag of epithets to describe them. 

yet as you know a lot of the betrayed, beaten and abused still hold on tightly to their marriages. so I just find it difficult to believe that there are many people that would leave someone solely because they lost their temper once in awhile. its a matter of scale I think.


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