# Does a single parent upbringing contribute to lack of value of relationships?



## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I was raised by a single mom. I mean seriously she was single from the moment she got pregnant. She was never with my dad. I was actually conceived from rape by a stranger. Before that, my mom was pretty much a loner, and after that, she lived the same lifestyle. I always had a single mom no boyfriend or anything in the home just my mom. Over all, though I never really felt anything was missing or anything. My mom had a good career and I consider my childhood to have been a good one. So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily and I like being single a lot of my family seems happy and content as loners. So I sorta wonder if that's why I'm so easy to like break up. To me it's just like easier and simpler alone. But I also enjoy relationships it's just like it never lasts. I also really in general don't value other people's relationships. Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman. Or someone in any type of relationship for that matter. I mean I don't really feel any moral compromise for myself. I guess because I don't really value relationships. Like to me more things like actions matter than words. Anyway would a single parent childhood really likely contribute to that?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont think you can blame this on a single parent childhood alone. It depends on what you were TAUGHT about relationships along the way. Was your mom always bashing men? Did she avoid relationships? Did she tell you that you are always better off alone, or that people in relationships are weak? What was the rest of your family like?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think this has a lot to do with the lack of experience and knowledge of how relationships work. You simply haven't witnessed it AT ALL in your life.

I think for you to sleep with married guys is very wrong. How would you feel if you were the wife/put yourself in her shoes?

That's not cool.

On one hand, I can completely understand your lack of interest in relationships with people. Most are just selfish and crappy (from what I found over the years....goes for friends/family and loved ones). 

But at the same time, it seems like you are selecting wrong people to get involved with as well.

You have to figure out what you are looking for and desire in life. Personally, I need companionship (someone close to me) in my life, and it's a big part of the reason why I'm married and enjoy my lifestyle very much.

Figure out what you want OP, and be VERY careful who you get involved with/how fast etc. Get to know them and see if they are a good person to be with.

I have a feeling you have met so many crappy people that you are simply just fed up.

Great people are out there, they are not easy to find, but keep trying and don't give up (if that's what you desire).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

options20 said:


> I was raised by a single mom. I mean seriously she was single from the moment she got pregnant. She was never with my dad. I was actually conceived from rape by a stranger. Before that, my mom was pretty much a loner, and after that, she lived the same lifestyle. I always had a single mom no boyfriend or anything in the home just my mom. Over all, though I never really felt anything was missing or anything. My mom had a good career and I consider my childhood to have been a good one. So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily and I like being single a lot of my family seems happy and content as loners. So I sorta wonder if that's why I'm so easy to like break up. To me it's just like easier and simpler alone. But I also enjoy relationships it's just like it never lasts. I also really in general don't value other people's relationships. Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman. Or someone in any type of relationship for that matter. I mean I don't really feel any moral compromise for myself. I guess because I don't really value relationships. Like to me more things like actions matter than words. Anyway would a single parent childhood really likely contribute to that?


I my opinion and from what I have seen from my x wife yes the apple never falls far from the tree...including the bad ones.

You are purposefully helping to disrespect someone's marriage by cheating. Funny thing about that Karma bus is it comes when you least expect it. Maybe someday you will actually fall in love with someone and not want to break up but rather marry them and make a life with them. Course maybe then he will cheat on you with a woman who doesn't care about you either. What goes around....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I say no. Because many people come from two-parent upbringings and do not have good relationships.

This is an individual thing.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont think you can blame this on a single parent childhood alone. It depends on what you were TAUGHT about relationships along the way. Was your mom always bashing men? Did she avoid relationships? Did she tell you that you are always better off alone, or that people in relationships are weak? What was the rest of your family like?


no she never bashed men or me for that matter. I was a boy growing up not a girl. She never verbalized that no one needs relationships or anything. She's said in the past that she's content single. I always gathered that relationships didn't really matter all that much on the scheme of things. I have fallen for girls and guys and really felt I loved them but it's so easy when something goes wrong to just walk away from it all and go back to being single for me it's like my comfort zone basically.


TO ADD

My mom's grandparents were in a bad marriage. But by the time I was around all they did was argue. They eventually divorced.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

options20 said:


> I was raised by a single mom. I mean seriously she was single from the moment she got pregnant. She was never with my dad. I was actually conceived from rape by a stranger. Before that, my mom was pretty much a loner, and after that, she lived the same lifestyle. I always had a single mom no boyfriend or anything in the home just my mom. Over all, though I never really felt anything was missing or anything. My mom had a good career and I consider my childhood to have been a good one. So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily and I like being single a lot of my family seems happy and content as loners. So I sorta wonder if that's why I'm so easy to like break up. To me it's just like easier and simpler alone. But I also enjoy relationships it's just like it never lasts. I also really in general don't value other people's relationships. Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman. Or someone in any type of relationship for that matter. I mean I don't really feel any moral compromise for myself. I guess because I don't really value relationships. Like to me more things like actions matter than words. Anyway would a single parent childhood really likely contribute to that?


*Howdy Options:*

The germane issue here is not whether the behavior is justified by your upbringing but whether the behavior (adultery) itself is wrong – and indeed it is. Your justification is really no different than if I were to tell you I have a propensity to steal because I was brought up in an economically disadvantaged environment – again the behavior itself is wrong.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I have been cheated on by a guy I was with before actually. When I found out I just broke up with him. It wasn't that big of a deal with him I figured there are millions of guys like him. I have fallen for a girl but it's just like hard when there's a problem not to just be like forget it I'll be single.



DoF said:


> I think this has a lot to do with the lack of experience and knowledge of how relationships work. You simply haven't witnessed it AT ALL in your life.
> 
> I think for you to sleep with married guys is very wrong. How would you feel if you were the wife/put yourself in her shoes?
> 
> ...


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I my opinion and from what I have seen from my x wife yes the apple never falls far from the tree...including the bad ones.
> 
> You are purposefully helping to disrespect someone's marriage by cheating. Funny thing about that Karma bus is it comes when you least expect it. Maybe someday you will actually fall in love with someone and not want to break up but rather marry them and make a life with them. Course maybe then he will cheat on you with a woman who doesn't care about you either. What goes around....



That's basically because I don't have much respect for relationship to begin with. I don't really respect my own relationships. I only get in a relationship with someone it's just simply because I believe that I love him or her. Not because I think so highly of relationships I just want to be closer to him/her than just like as friends.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

SpinDaddy said:


> *Howdy Options:*
> 
> The germane issue here is not whether the behavior is justified by your upbringing but whether the behavior (adultery) itself is wrong – and indeed it is. Your justification is really no different than if I were to tell you I have a propensity to steal because I was brought up in an economically disadvantaged environment – again the behavior itself is wrong.


I wasn't saying that it was an excuse. I was just showing how relationships really don't matter to me it seems.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'll be honest, OP, you sound like you lack empathy. Have you ever been in therapy of any type? You may want to consider it. I think perhaps it's not that you don't value relationships, but that you don't really value other people.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I'll be honest, OP, you sound like you lack empathy. Have you ever been in therapy of any type? You may want to consider it. I think perhaps it's not that you don't value relationships, but that you don't really value other people.


No my gf is actually someone I really do love never loved anyone as much as I do her which is we haven't broken up it's just a tendency I'm too familiar with.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I say no. Because many people come from two-parent upbringings and do not have good relationships.

This is an individual thing. _

OP this is good advice above. Yes you can be influenced by the environment you were raised but not be the sole reason for your choice in relationships. It will be based off that individual.

I too was raised in a 1 parent house than none for a time and that only made yearn for a sturdy relationship or value one greatly when i would get into one. 

There are a ton of crappy marriages not giving their kids the best example of relationships.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

options20 said:


> No my gf is actually someone I really do love never loved anyone as much as I do her which is we haven't broken up it's just a tendency I'm too familiar with.



Regardless, therapy will help you find the answer to your op


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Here's my opinion -- 

I think a lot of how you feel stems from how you feel about yourself and how you have knowledge of the fact you were a product of a rape. 

I very much believe that if you did not know the details of how you were conceived, you might view yourself and relationships very differently. You know that how you were conceived was NOT your fault nor was it your mother's but sometimes we allow ourselves to carry an emotional burden we shouldn't have to. Maybe that is what you are doing. 

Whatever it is, I suggest counseling as well. I'm sorry someone told you that awful truth about what happened.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Single parent upbringing has nothing to do with it.

Personally I think it's more of a personality aspect that you need to consciously work on.

I felt the same way as you at one point in my life, but in order to fix it and improve you have to look at yourself and see that there's something wrong with you and not blame others for your faults.

To not care about sleeping with people in committed relationships isn't healthy, it's actually dangerous behavior and all you're doing is signing up for a world of hurt.

You should honestly seek out therapy if this is something you really want to change.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

options20 said:


> I was raised by a single mom. I mean seriously she was single from the moment she got pregnant. She was never with my dad. I was actually conceived from rape by a stranger. Before that, my mom was pretty much a loner, and after that, she lived the same lifestyle. I always had a single mom no boyfriend or anything in the home just my mom. Over all, though I never really felt anything was missing or anything. My mom had a good career and I consider my childhood to have been a good one. So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily and I like being single a lot of my family seems happy and content as loners. So I sorta wonder if that's why I'm so easy to like break up. To me it's just like easier and simpler alone. But I also enjoy relationships it's just like it never lasts. I also really in general don't value other people's relationships. Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman. Or someone in any type of relationship for that matter. I mean I don't really feel any moral compromise for myself. I guess because I don't really value relationships. Like to me more things like actions matter than words. Anyway would a single parent childhood really likely contribute to that?



1. _You question: Does a single parent upbringing contribute to lack of value of relationships? 
_It can but it doesn't have to. Sure we mimic what we grow up sometimes. I can see where knowing how to be a partner is more of a "learn as you go" thing for you. Really though, it could be that you're mom was a loner for the same reason you are. Personality type.

2. _You said: So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily. _
This is a good thing. It means you're not afraid of being alone. TAM is littered with failing marriage that are built on fear. People afraid of being alone so they marry and then afraid of being alone so they let their partner treat them like a doormat. You probably won't have that problem.

3. _You said: Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman._
Well that's pretty sh!tty of you IMO and more sh!tty of the guy who's betraying his wife. Your nonchalant and have no guilt about it which confuses me. We don't always have to understand why something hurts someone else in order to know not to do it. In short, you do what you kinda of sort of want to do. The potential consequences of that are years of emotional pain for others. It don't understand how you justify that at all.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> 3. _You said: Like there is this guy I hooked up with on and off basically. He's married and has children his wife has no clue probably never will. But it's never bothered me really to sleep with a married man or woman._
> Well that's pretty sh!tty of you IMO and more sh!tty of the guy who's betraying his wife. Your nonchalant and have no guilt about it which confuses me. We don't always have to understand why something hurts someone else in order to know not to do it. In short, you do what you kinda of sort of want to do. The potential consequences of that are years of emotional pain for others. It don't understand how you justify that at all.


I agree that getting involved with a married man (with a family) was a bad choice. His choice to cheat on his wife was despicable. With that being said, I understand your mentality behind it. 

For whatever reason, you do not feel worthy of a healthy relationship. Sometimes we chose the type of "love" we think we deserve. On top of that, you are also afraid of getting too close to someone emotionally. So what better way to protect yourself than to get involved with a man who you know can only give you so much? 

Again, I don't think hooking up with a married man was a great idea but I know you know that. Because you came here looking for help and advice. But what's done is done and from this point forward you need to start taking a hard look at yourself. 

It could be that after all this you still prefer to be a "loner" and go from one relationship to another. And that's perfectly fine, too! Just stay away from the married men.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Good point IrishGirlVA. Wanting a relationship that has no commitment potential would make married men a prime target. I'm sure there's plenty of married men and women who like to have an option20 (pun intended). Sad but true.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

You definitely seem to be carrying around a lot go baggage that requires I depth counseling to address. Do not feel bad, I and others here have been IC therapy for years, and in my case probably will be so for many more.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, at what age were you told that your conception was as a result of rape? Children born of rape are often forgotten victims, and I'm wondering if the facts surrounding your conception affected you far more than being the child of a single parent...

At this stage, I would strongly suggest counseling in order to explore these issues you have.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> _I say no. Because many people come from two-parent upbringings and do not have good relationships.
> 
> This is an individual thing. _
> 
> ...


That's one thing for me personally I always had a steady upbringing seemingly. So I guess that's why I found an alternative lifestyle that was still vey comfortable.

I think also in part might be the fact I have a natural tendency to be alone and comfortable that way.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Here's my opinion --
> 
> I think a lot of how you feel stems from how you feel about yourself and how you have knowledge of the fact you were a product of a rape.
> 
> ...


I have only known about how I was conceived for 2 years. I was 18 at the time. I actually wanted to know the truth because no one told me for the longest of time. I never felt differently about myself. I hate whoever my dad is but he's something so foreign I could never feel that I have much to do with him. Like I said my rearing was completely void of any father figure in the home. So that includes the story of my conception.


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## blueeyescurls1963 (Jun 8, 2014)

I raised 2 boys from the age of 18 months and 5 until I got remarried, pretty much as a single parent as they only saw there father maybe once or twice a year.

My sons would know I dated, I never had any one sleep over , and I would never sleep over at anyone's house either. My sons
relationships seem normal, and treat woman with respect, and are committed in their relationships.

I have friends that are two [parent households and their kids relationships are messed up. 

I would lean towards, a more individual issue.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

MoonBay said:


> Single parent upbringing has nothing to do with it.
> 
> Personally I think it's more of a personality aspect that you need to consciously work on.
> 
> ...


I guess yeah I agree I have to change what I'm used to to make this work.

The thing is with that I didn't want any relationship with him Irealized that would be stupid I just liked him sexually speaking. 

But that's the past the actual focus is my relationship with my girlfriend presently. I don't sleep with him now. And I wouldn't while I'm with her because I don't cheat.



Thundarr said:


> 1. _You question: Does a single parent upbringing contribute to lack of value of relationships?
> _It can but it doesn't have to. Sure we mimic what we grow up sometimes. I can see where knowing how to be a partner is more of a "learn as you go" thing for you. Really though, it could be that you're mom was a loner for the same reason you are. Personality type.
> 
> 2. _You said: So fastfoward nowadays. I find it quite easy always to breakup to the point I give up easily. _
> ...


yeah I agree with that too first off. I always have to go out of my comfort zone when in relationships. I need to work on it and maybe as time goes on I'll get better.

My issue wih the second is I easily walk away at any time there is any conflict this is why my relationships last.


I don't really care about the third I guess because like I said I don't really value their marriage. I didn't want him as my boyfriend. I just wanted him in a sexual sense that didn't get in the way of anything personally therefore he to me was as viable as anyone else for a hook up.

This isn't about him anyway it's about my current relationship with my gf.


Also to everyone in this thread I have been in counseling in the past.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I usually actually just don't feel worthy of wasting my time or the one I'm dating's time. I mean if it's not working there are so many men and women out there who could actually be the one.




IrishGirlVA said:


> I agree that getting involved with a married man (with a family) was a bad choice. His choice to cheat on his wife was despicable. With that being said, I understand your mentality behind it.
> 
> For whatever reason, you do not feel worthy of a healthy relationship. Sometimes we chose the type of "love" we think we deserve. On top of that, you are also afraid of getting too close to someone emotionally. So what better way to protect yourself than to get involved with a man who you know can only give you so much?
> 
> ...


I wasn't involved with the married guy I just was explaining my outlook to relationships. I have had other situations where I have a boyfriend and I ended up going to this party with some friends I found a guy that I really liked. Within that night I texted my bf I was breaking up with him and proceeded to hook up with the guy. I broke up with my gf of 8 months once because we got in an argument over a game on tv. I did have a relationship once with a guy in high school who had a gf but it was mainly just sexual again. Plus I hated his gf. I have never really had any commitment or desire to have commitment tbh honest on a serious level.

But now, I am actually in a fortunate relationship with my girlfriend. I have always wanted to be with her and I want this to work but idk how to it's too stressful to deal with in my life right now. I love her and all but my natural instincts keep kicking in to not want to continue this is a big issue and I'd have a warranted reason to break up. I just haven't because this is what I've always wanted.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Good point IrishGirlVA. Wanting a relationship that has no commitment potential would make married men a prime target. I'm sure there's plenty of married men and women who like to have an option20 (pun intended). Sad but true.


I didn't really get what you meant to say here.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> OP, at what age were you told that your conception was as a result of rape? Children born of rape are often forgotten victims, and I'm wondering if the facts surrounding your conception affected you far more than being the child of a single parent...
> 
> At this stage, I would strongly suggest counseling in order to explore these issues you have.


not that I know of. I was raised with a very loving single mother. I never guessed that I was conceived by rape. It never affected me through my childhood.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

blueeyescurls1963 said:


> I raised 2 boys from the age of 18 months and 5 until I got remarried, pretty much as a single parent as they only saw there father maybe once or twice a year.
> 
> My sons would know I dated, I never had any one sleep over , and I would never sleep over at anyone's house either. My sons
> relationships seem normal, and treat woman with respect, and are committed in their relationships.
> ...


I actually usually treat my gf/bf with respect and love for the time I'm with him or her it's just like I can easily change my relationship status at the drop of a hat maybe it has to do with being young idk.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

huh? this is weird.


I see someone posted but can't see anything when I get on this thread.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah, I am unable to get to page 3 as well.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Yeah, I am unable to get to page 3 as well.


thanks now I can see page 3 lol.


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