# Trouble with oral sex



## Saad (Dec 3, 2020)

Been married 12 years. 2 kids. Before we had kids our sex life was really good. We used to do it every day. Now she has lost interest. I have a high libido so I crave sex on a daily basis if not 3 4 times a week. In the past 2 3 years she has almost never initiated sex. Its always me. If I don't ask her to have sex she can go weeks on end without it. Even a month. And she doesn't want oral sex either. She hasn't gone down on me in ages and she doesn't want me to either. And almost no foreplay. This was never a problem when we first got married on even after our first child. We loved going down on each other. 2 3 times she got UTI and blamed it on me fingering her or going down on her, but the real reason is that she doesn't drink all that much water, which I think causes her UTI. But she blames me. What should I do? Im 40 and she is 34. Suggestions needed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know a couple who have a good regular sex life but she never initiates sex. When he does she enjoys it, so why do you wait? Just initiate it yourself.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How old are your kids or how long ago did you have kids?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Saad said:


> Been married 12 years. 2 kids. Before we had kids our sex life was really good. We used to do it every day. Now she has lost interest. I have a high libido so I crave sex on a daily basis if not 3 4 times a week. In the past 2 3 years she has almost never initiated sex. Its always me. If I don't ask her to have sex she can go weeks on end without it. Even a month. And she doesn't want oral sex either. She hasn't gone down on me in ages and she doesn't want me to either. And almost no foreplay. This was never a problem when we first got married on even after our first child. We loved going down on each other. 2 3 times she got UTI and blamed it on me fingering her or going down on her, but the real reason is that she doesn't drink all that much water, which I think causes her UTI. But she blames me. What should I do? Im 40 and she is 34. Suggestions needed.


Mention something to her doctor about the UTI issue. While confidentiality might not let him/her reveal details of your wife to you without your wife's permission, you can certainly give the doctor information. They can then set her straight on what causes UTIs.

Also ask her why she no longer wants oral. Do it outside of a bedroom/sexual context, and not when there have been issues. Make sure to frame it as concern for her since she seemed to have enjoyed it before.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Saad said:


> What should I do? Im 40 and she is 34. Suggestions needed.


The reasons to have sex in your marriage have now evolved. Before there was excitement about the idea of building a life together and getting to really know one another. Now you have a family together along with added responsibilities and a much different set of relationship dynamics. 

While it seems obvious to you as to why you desire sex, your wife in the meantime may struggle with that. It could be because she no longer feels attractive as she gets older. It could be stressful for her to get undressed in front of you if she is loosing confidence in herself. So be mindful of that.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Appears you two are room mates. This often happens when children are introduced. Added responsibility and stress. What is your home life like?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

maquiscat said:


> Mention something to her doctor about the UTI issue. While confidentiality might not let him/her reveal details of your wife to you without your wife's permission, you can certainly give the doctor information. They can then set her straight on what causes UTIs.


I feel like I need to clear up some misconceptions here. Women can and do get UTIs from fingering and intercourse. Bacteria is being introduced to a vulnerable area. I’ve never heard of oral sex doing it, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I suggest the next time you want to finger her wash your hands very well. She’s apparently a little more sensitive to the bacteria you have on hands. Oh and make sure you don’t touch her anus before fingering her as that is another way to get UTIs. 

As for her lack of libido. I have no idea. You have my sympathies.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> I feel like I need to clear up some misconceptions here. Women can and do get UTIs from fingering and intercourse. Bacteria is being introduced to a vulnerable area. I’ve never heard of oral sex doing it, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I suggest the next time you want to finger her wash your hands very well. She’s apparently a little more sensitive to the bacteria you have on hands. Oh and make sure you don’t touch her anus before fingering her as that is another way to get UTIs.
> 
> As for her lack of libido. I have no idea. You have my sympathies.


Yeah this is my bad. It wasn't my intent to make these not possibilities, but I wrote poorly. Still the doctor should probably be able to help her determine if she's just sensitive/prone to UTI's or if there is other more likely causes, such as the OP's idea of lack of water. He could well be wrong, also.


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## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

The issue with a UTI is that it can have an oder .. she may have an oder and not want to be humiliated. On another note your ph may be off and smell or taste bad as well. Eat healthy drink healthy!!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you tried telling her you would prefer to have sex more frequently and do some of these acts with her and what it would mean to you and why? If not I would start there.

Further advise would depend on what she says.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is like a frog in a pot of warm water, slowly being boiled, but not noticing it. You get less and less sex, then one day wake the hell up and say "i have not gotten laid in a year".

You really should have stepped up and demanded a normal sex life the first time it started to falter.

Her being nervous of UTIs IS a valid concern, if she gets them frequently. Offer to use a condom for all PIV sex, and keeping your fingers out of there 100% of the time. get some sex toys that she can wash and keep sterile! BUT you really have to get her to acknowledge that you still need sex, and to realize that the marriage is over if you do not get it. there are Plenty of horny women out there that would love to have you all to themselves!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What does she say when you asked her why she doesn’t want to give or receive oral sex anymore?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless you are having some kind of anal contact with your fingers and mouth and then immediatly having contact with her urethral area without washing your hands first, or unless you are a simply filthy and non hygienic person, she is using UTIs as an excuse. 

If chicks got UTIs from fingers and oral sex, there would be a urology clinic on every corner and they would be booked up months in advance and every smart kid in high school would be getting scholarships to urology programs. 

She may have had some UTIs and no one wants to have sex during a UTI, but reasonably clean hands and oral are not causing her urinary issues.. she is using that as an excuse.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Saad said:


> Been married 12 years. 2 kids. ...Now she has lost interest. ...I crave sex on a daily basis if not 3 4 times a week. ......If I don't ask her to have sex she can go weeks on end without it. Even a month. *And she doesn't want oral sex either*. She hasn't gone down on me in ages and she doesn't want me to either. And almost no foreplay. .....even after our first child. We loved going down on each other. *2 3 times she got UTI and blamed it on me fingering her or going down on her*, but the real reason is that she doesn't drink all that much water, which I think causes her UTI. But *she blames me.* What should I do? Im 40 and she is 34. Suggestions needed.


Look, taking care of the kids, especially in a pandemic can be a lot of hard work. Maybe some of the problem is that she is exhausted. Have you talked to her in depth about your feelings and your needs and her needs?

As to the lack of oral sex after the second child. Some women loose pelvic muscle strength after childbirth and she may had mild incontinence problems and be too embarrassed to have you go down on her. There could be lots of other reasons as well. You will never know unless the two of you discuss it in depth. 

Oh, at a Gottmans Art and Science of Love weekend, my wife and I learned about emotional flooding. What that means is that in a fight or an emotionally charged discussion one or both of the partners gets so angry or emotional that they become emotionally flooded with adrenaline to the point that they have a hard time conducting a rational discussion. Basically they are in a fight or flee mode and their brain can't process tiny details. If this happens you need to call a mutual time out and come back to the discussion at an agreed upon later time. So be careful with how you handle discussions. 

Similarly, it doesn't matter what you think the UTI cause was, in her mind you were the cause. As a man I have had a UTI because of sanitary conditions in a foreign country. They really hurt. I mean really hurt. They could have traumatized your wife. 

You and your wife probably need some real discussions on sexual needs and sexual health. I would suggest getting a marriage counselor or a sex therapist to help lead those conversations. You can't change your wife, only she can change herself and only if she wants to change.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

some women SWEAR BY taking certain probiotic pills to keep from getting UTIs. the idea being, if your body is full of "good bacteria", the bad ones do not have a place to grow and multiply


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