# New to this



## farrin57 (Nov 15, 2013)

Last week I found out that my wife of the last 15 years has been sexting and talking to other guys online. When I found out about it she said she has not cheated or meet any of the guys. Then I found she is still using an app KIK to talk to some guy and she refuses to show it to me saying it nothing. Am I wrong to be suspicious about her behavior. She said she was sorry for the sexting and would not do it again, but she enjoys talking to this older guy (what she says). Should I leave her or stay? the hard part of all of this is we just bought a house just weeks ago and we have two small kids


----------



## farrin57 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe I should find a online friend of my own and ease away from my wife


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, perhaps post in the infidelity forum. 

Second, your wife is cheating on you. 

Third, cheating on her won't fix things. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Even if no physical contact occurred, how much 'mental' energy is your wife spending on these "other guys" and taking away from you and the family.

A marriage can't be great with three (or more) people in it. Kids excepted, but they shouldn't replace the spouse as the main focus.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So have you really confronted her?

Has she agreed to give you all the details? Has she agreed to NC and to completely stop cheating?

If she does not, file for divorce.


Start going dark on her. Do the 180.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

farrin57 said:


> Maybe I should find a online friend of my own and ease away from my wife


I assume this is in jest, or at least a painful way of showing that you feel revenge might be needed.

So sorry you are here. We read these things often, and usually it is ugly. Prepare to go through a personal hell.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Farrin,

Your wife is cheating on you. She is at the least having an Emotional Affair. This can easily lead to divorce or a full blown physical affair. Start taking a good look around you and take stock of your life right now. There are hard times ahead.

I am very sorry you are here.


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Much advice will follow. I would spend time reading some of the longer threads posted by men that have gone through this too. Esco's thread comes to mind as a recent one.

Personally I think I would wait on the confrontation at this point. Read posts made by Weighlifter to use a voice activated recorder to listen in on your wife as she may be talking to this guy(s) when you are not present. Usually in her car.

Are there any other red flags? Sex is normal? Is her phone guarded? Is she spending time that is not accounted for? Working late? Girls night out?

It hurts very deeply, but you might consider doing these things first to make sure you know what is really going on.

Make sure to control your anger or fear. Do not give her a reason to call the cops on you. Do not be paralyzed by fear and believe her to the point of not acting.

Hang tough. You will survive.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't repay her by cheating on her. She is cheating on you it is call an emotional affair.

Who owns the phone she is using?

This is very serious.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Yes. Welcome to club nobody wants to join. Sorry.

Do not find someone to ease the pain. It will make it worse.

If your wife wants to lead a single life you need to tell her to go and have it. 

At the moment she has zero respect for you. It is close to contempt but you can change that. You need to man up. NOW.

At this point you still have a small chance of saving your marriage but what is going to be suggested is going to feel very wrong, it is counter-intuitive but t is your best chance at saving what is left of your marriage.

Your wife is lying to you. Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see. What you have discovered is the tip of the iceberg. Help will be on it's way as to how to deal with this. 

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. 
This is vital. Not under any circumstances do you pack a bag and leave. You can move to the couch or spare room but .
DO.. NOT... LEAVE.. THE.. HOUSE.

Lock your computer account and clear history on this site.

Start to think about money. 
Look at old credit card statements. 
Check accounts for strange transactions. 

Do not confront about this anymore until you have more information and advice.

Read this


----------



## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Most of my H's infidelity was online and he didn't try to ever deny that it was cheating. She's trying to minimize what's she's done...don't let her. This is serious and she needs to realize the damage she's done.


----------



## farrin57 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you for all the advise, I don't know what to do at the moment. She says nothing has happen, that she stopped sexting but her phone is guarded and she is using some app called KIK. I don't want to leave but I can't be in a place that is missing trust. If she give me the phone and tell me all I can look past most of it, but if she doesn't I will have to go to the next step of seperation


----------



## farrin57 (Nov 15, 2013)

hw do you cope with this my heart is hurting bad


----------



## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

The first few weeks are absolute hell emotionally and physically. Try the best you can to take care of yourself. Sometimes that's as simple as remembering to drink water or eat something healthy.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Farrin

There is no marriage while your wife is having a relationship with another man.

You know what you have to do.

Lay down the law. She hands over her phone and gives you unrestricted access.

She grows up or you hand her divorce papers.

HM


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is cheating. And she must stop before any meaningful counselling can be launched.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. It comes down to this. Her on line affair or her marriage. Make it simple and sweet for her. Set her ass down and tell her that you want her phone now so you can look at it and if she says no, then your words should be, "Either you give me the phone or the next phone call you get will be from my attorney along with being served real quick." If she refuses, then follow through with the divorce and it will wake her up.

Right now she's playing a game of chicken with you and this is not the type of thing that married people do to each other if a marriage is to survive. As I see it, your more vested in the marriage then she is and the proof? She won't give you the phone. There are no secrets between husband and wife. Don't play games with her and when you tell her, make sure that you say it in a way that you won't put up with her crap. 

It's also time that you wake the hell up friend because this isn't her first go around with crap like this.

When it happened the first time, you should have made it abundantly clear that the next time will be her exit from the home and it's apparent that she either didn't believe you or your let it slide and if that's the case, she's expecting you to let this slide too so OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND BE CLEAR THIS TIME AROUND because as of now, your losing big time.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Farrin,

I'm not being coy at all. The way you cope with this is you realize that you are a man and men deal with these problems. You put your cowboy boots on. You step into them and you man up. You do it because you have to. You do NOT be nice to her. She did a very very bad thing and if you want to have any chance of saving your marriage you are firm and strong here. You don't take any of her half truths. You don't take any of her putting less than 100% of the effort into saving the marriage. You don't accept that she just was sexting and it didn't mean anything. If it didn't mean anything then why does your heart hurt so much.

Consult a lawyer and start the process of divorce. You can always stop it but she has to know you are serious about your marriage. IF YOU ARE SEEN AS WEAK, your marriage is doomed. The people who saved their marriage were the ones who were strong.

She will tell you why it was your fault that she cheated. This is blame-shifting. You may not have been perfect but I don't think you told her to go send naked pics to other men. Yes you may not have been perfect but you were loyal and you loved her.

Look at the 180. Don't let her see you as an emotional wreck. DON'T be NICE to her. It is seen as weakness. If you are nice to her she will think that she was right to cheat on you and it is your fault. It goes against our logic but this is what is going through her mind. She did something horrible and needs to be called on the carpet for her. Don't punish her, but be firm.

I lost 14kg when I found my wife was cheating. I was physically and emotionally gone. I went with what I thought was the right thing to do. I was nice. It was the exact opposite of what you should do.

Gather evidence. If that phone is in both of your names, take the thing and have someone go through it. Don't let her delete stuff. Gather what you need so later you can make a decision on whether you want to D or R. Right now you are in save your marriage mode. You haven't hit the anger/bitterness yet. It will come. It is part of the process.

Force yourself to do things. Make sure you exercise and get sunlight on your face every day. Force yourself to smile if you have to. Remember your life is pretty good right now except for one thing. Do not focus on that one thing. Focus on the little positives in your life. Let them be what matters now. You will do this because you have to. You were born to be a man. Now is the time for you to step up and become who you were meant to be. Get exercise. Get sunlight. Go to the gym. It does wonders... heavy bag and weights...

Get a good support group. If you need to cry, don't do it around her. We are here for you brother. We have been through this and we have experience from sharing our stories as to what works best and what doesn't. Good luck to you brother. Stay strong and God bless!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

farrin57 said:


> hw do you cope with this my heart is hurting bad


When I was going thru this crap I keep repeating to my self " I diserve good things" I repeated it over and over again.

Every time I felt like I was going to lose my sh1t I would say "Idiserve good things".

I started to believe it and it gave me the confidence to stop taking crap from someone that was showing me such disrespect.

It was this confidence that came out of me that my old lady saw adn she knew I could and would let her go if she didn;t change her tune.

I also implimentented the 180 and with a smile on my face I had it in my head that I don't have to tolorate this because ......"I diserve good things"

Personally I think you really haven't stated your boundries or the consequences for when those boundries are crossed cuz your to affraid to lose a disrepectful partner and go find one that is respectful.

Your letting other crap black mail you and your old lady knows it so she continues to phuck with you...knowing you ain't going to do a thing about it.

Stop being emotionally black mailed and show your chick a confident guy...chicks dig confident guys!

See the plan here?

Show her you can and will let her go with a smile on your face (fake it), #2 positive mental additude, and #3 confidence...all of this will get her to second guess her choices.

And thats the game plan, to get them to think twice in what they are about to lose if they don;t pull their sh1t together.

Or why change when they know you ain't going anywere so deal with?????

Get it?

See the shift in power?

You care about the relationship more then she does. Dude, she has all the power. You need to change that.

Sure go and find another chick online and maybe she pulls her head out of her @ss or maybe she just find another way to justify her crap.

I suggest you never stoop to their level, but raise above it with confidence, additude, and a smile on your face.

So in short you fake it until you make it, thats how you deal with the heart break!!!!! You try to believe you can let her go, hell letting her go might save your marriage. As painful as it is you can;t nice your way out of this crap, you have to smile wish her the best and let her go.

Only then will she even thing that her husband is a man that command respect and she just might lose him.

Its painful and the risk of losing it all sucks, but the reward is so much greater when you command respect versus tolorating this kind of disrespect.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It hurts like hel*. Most of us have been there and for me I am still hurting and my wife came clean after years of cheating.

You decide not to plead, not to beg. You put your foot down when you are ready.


Who owns her phone? Who's account is it in? If it is in your name shut it off without her knowing it.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I know it's tough, been there.

You must stay strong. Remember to take care of yourself. Eat right, work out (it helps), try to get some sleep. See your doctor if you need some short term help sleeping.


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

If you don't have trust you don't have anything. I know I have 0 trust. if it was not for extenuating circumstances I would have long been gone.


----------

