# Not sure what to do...Almost Sexless



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Well it seems as though I am in the same position as a lot of other guys and some of the gals on this forum. I would also say that for the most part both my wife and I are happy with our lives and with each other. We both have good jobs, we are both in good health most of the time. I am 31 and she is 35. I finally got the nerve up to talk to her about my issue with the lack of sex in our marriage. I consider myself a typical guy in that I am ready almost any time. I try to understand that while it would be great to spend every waking moment romping around the house like teenagers I understand that she doesn't want that. I would be OK with a few times a week to satisfy my needs and I don't think that is to much to ask. In the past year we have maybe had sex 6 times.

Now for some history and plans. We have been married for 7 years and just over 7 years ago I cheated on her. She never met the woman and I know it crushed her. Over the years following we have (or I thought) picked up the pieces and moved forward together. I can provide more details on this if needed but I am not sure it would be relevant.

We do not have children although I want them and she does not but it was always something she said we would discuss later before we got married because we both had careers we wanted to focus on at the start.

We are going to start seeing a couples therapist later this week to start working on the lack of sex but I am trying to figure out what I am missing.

The few times that we do have sex they are lifeless and she shows very little enthusiasm. I always make sure that she reaches climax, although she has never had an orgasm through intercourse, it is always oral. She only wants to lay on her back and not move. She is deathly silent. Once in a blue moon I will get a surprise BJ. About the most stimulation I get is while I am going down on her she will play with me, but that ends as quickly as I lift my head. Then after that she won't kiss me again.

The other night was one of those few times that we did have sex although I have a hard time calling it that since I was so bored just thrusting away that before I climaxed I said I was tired. As usual I did make sure she had her fix though. It wasn't meant to be from the start I don't think though. The whole thing stemmed from my asking her if she wanted to and her saying "I guess if you want to", followed soon after by an "I don't care". Sorry those are not really turn ons for me. Suggestions about how I can talk to her about these things, try to get her to try new things, maybe if she would open up a bit it would fix the other problem. Maybe she is just as bored with it as I am but when I try to change positions, flip her over, try standing up, in the shower I just get dirty looks and a firm "No,I don't like that".

Guy/Gals, anything you got would be great, I really want my marriage to survive but I am just not sure anymore. This is something that I need. I am also not opposed to compromise but I am not even sure where to begin there as there isn't really much I can give up to her.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

How was the sex life before the cheating? Was it like it is now?
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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Gaia said:


> How was the sex life before the cheating? Was it like it is now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't have any complaints we averaged 4 to 5 times a week. It was never very creative, but the basics were almost always there. She didn't find out about the cheating until after we were married. I was not able to keep it in. I was ashamed of what I had done and completely expected our marriage to end right then and there. I saw a counselor at her request and since then although tempted many times have remained true to her. I will admit though it is becoming harder the longer this goes on.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok so she found out... 7 years ago right? Has she ever been to therapy herself?
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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

She found out because I couldn't keep it in. I needed to tell her because it was eating me up inside. She has a degree I psych and doesn't feel as though anyone can help her. Took me a year to convince her to do couples. Even still I don't know how that will turn out because I am not sure if she will open up or not.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Has she opened up at all with the counselor you go to? If not... she may want to try individual counseling. She may have a degree in psych but that doesn't mean no one can help her. It sounds like she may be holding onto resentment. You can also try sex therapy and see if that helps as well.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Btw when I say you... I mean you and her. Of course counseling will not help if she isn't willing to open up and be vulnerable so she can face any issues she may have.
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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Therein a lesson to others. Do not disclose infidelity to make yourself feel better. You wind up with two unhappy people. Carry the guilt yourself.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck married moji, it sounds like resentment. my ex wife just totally shut herslf off to me too, i get the having sex with her just lyinh there and not wanting to try anything either?

you said she loves oral and only orgamsns to thatm is she bi or a lesbian? I even questioned my wife if she was a lesbian just before we split after a few of her friends told me thye thought she may have been b4 we got married.


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## AnnLindel (Aug 20, 2012)

I am not sure if she will open up or not


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Therein a lesson to others. Do not disclose infidelity to make yourself feel better. You wind up with two unhappy people. Carry the guilt yourself.


Not sure why you would keep it to yourself. I made a mistake and was ready to lose the woman I love over it because I feel as though it would not have been fair to her. Trust me the last thing I want to do is hurt her but she needed to know. If she choose to leave at that point in time she could have no regrets or questions. It wasn't to make me feel better.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Marriedmojo I think you did the right thing in telling her. After all its better that she hear it from you instead of someone else.
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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

brendan said:


> good luck married moji, it sounds like resentment. my ex wife just totally shut herslf off to me too, i get the having sex with her just lyinh there and not wanting to try anything either?
> 
> you said she loves oral and only orgamsns to thatm is she bi or a lesbian? I even questioned my wife if she was a lesbian just before we split after a few of her friends told me thye thought she may have been b4 we got married.


To my knowledge she isn't. I never even catch her looking at other women.
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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

I think I can tell you from a typical woman's perspective - 
Heck yah she resents you for cheating. She may forgive but she will not forget... unless... unless... you do a very very good job of turning it all around and start over. Read ShinyNewGuy's post. You'll need to make her feel like the most beautiful, perfect woman in all the world and tell her you realize there is no other woman in the world that even comes close to her. Do it for a long time with no sexual advancements. You have to be really good and really feel it for her to believe it. 

Men fall in love with their eyes...women fall in love with their ears.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Sunshine1234 said:


> I think I can tell you from a typical woman's perspective -
> Heck yah she resents you for cheating. She may forgive but she will not forget... unless... unless... you do a very very good job of turning it all around and start over. Read ShinyNewGuy's post. You'll need to make her feel like the most beautiful, perfect woman in all the world and tell her you realize there is no other woman in the world that even comes close to her. Do it for a long time with no sexual advancements. You have to be really good and really feel it for her to believe it.
> 
> Men fall in love with their eyes...women fall in love with their ears.


Two things, what are you considering a long time because 7 years is not a walk in the park? I also don't believe the last statement about falling in love with our eyes. I believe initial attraction is with the eyes, but to say love is pretty strong. Of she is being honest with me we had A discussion last night about trust and resentment. Her words were that she knew I had made a serious mistake and that she truly believed that I would never do it again. Over the past several years I have made it wry clear she was the only woman for me. I have made it clear that I love her with all of my heart. I have also made it as clear as I know how to make her feel like the most beautiful person on this earth. I wouldn't be reaching out for help if I thought I could figure this all out on my own.
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