# UGH



## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

It seems about once a year, typically in my sleep, I have a seizure. Several days ago, I had such a seizure in the morning as I slept. I woke up confused and I was having a very difficult time breathing. My wife was already up so I made my way to her and she asked what I was doing. I explained that I had a seizure and was having a very hard time breathing but she didn’t suggest/offer that she would take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself. 

I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit. 

Of course, I later pointed out to her that she didn’t bother to take me to the hospital or even visit me at the hospital. She said it was because I ignored her the night before (I ignored her the night before because, despite that I pay all the “mutual bills” except her car payment (and brought her home a bottle of wine that night), she wouldn’t even lend me a dab of ointment to put on a wound; “go buy your own,” she said. 

Further, she went on to say, “why should I visit you in the hospital when you never visited me when I was in the hospital?” She then went on to say that I never visited her while she was in the hospital 5-years ago when she had to get her cervix removed because of a positive cancer diagnosis.” 
A) She is my wife. B) I love her. C) I find it VERY ODD that she had a positive diagnosis for CANCER, had to have her cervix removed and, yet, I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION, WHATSOEVER, OF ANY OF THIS!!! NONE. Then, she went on to say that the cancer was caused by HPV that she all but accused me of giving to her??? Once again, all of this is complete news to me.

She then accused me of being passive aggressive in the way that I pointed the above things out and she is now mad at me because I was mad at her (she now won’t answer my calls or texts etc).

I feel like I’m living in LALA land…


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Male39 said:


> It seems about once a year, typically in my sleep, I have a seizure. Several days ago, I had such a seizure in the morning as I slept. I woke up confused and I was having a very difficult time breathing. My wife was already up so I made my way to her and she asked what I was doing. I explained that I had a seizure and was having a very hard time breathing but she didn’t suggest/offer that she would take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself.
> 
> I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit.
> 
> ...


Reading this and your other thread which you heavily edited for some reason my considered opinion is this.
Your wife is ****ing nuts!
And so are you for staying with her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I can't understand men like you. You are still with her...reason being what? Is it that you think that you couldn't get another woman? Better alone..better alone.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you had suffered a heart attack do you think she would have attempted to resuscitate you?
Don’t you believe it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If you have no recollection of a cervix removal from a HPV virus and cancer scare...call your W out on it. You gave your W the HPV according to her. Did you get a STD test confirming you have HPV? 

Your W is very passive aggressive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Damn dude. 

Did you wake up with a pillow close to your face?

Ditch the witch


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't understand marriages like this...you buy your own ointment and don't use mines. What kinda marriage is this? 

Maybe I am a bit too old fashioned. But I thought everything is shared in the house. Do you buy your own food and keep it separate too?

This is like living in a roommate situation. Your relationship sounds cold and transactional.

Ask your wife for the medical docs to prove her story.

You should have called 911 instead of driving to the hospital. What if you had passed out. And like the other's posted, don't depend on your wife to have your back or care for you. Imagine if you had a heart attack and needed help, would she have let you be and go have coffee then check on you? She sounds very uncaring and cold towards you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Good God Man!!

That was a minor disagreement re "ignoring her" at best. 

Even in a major argument let's say....there are thing and there are THINGS.

Any health emergency or similar and in any reasonably or even close to a reasonable marriage/relationship and disagreements immediately take a back seat to care for the other SO.

Childish, reckless, inconsiderate, and more at best on W part.

I'm in agreement with others posting, she may be nuts.
And to mention the 5 yr cervix thing, if a reality, if she waited 5 yrs to say she's hurt or to get back at you for any reason, is a whole basket of red flags in itself.

I'd seriously evaluate the relationship. Only you know all circumstances but this is a major thing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Male39 said:


> It seems about once a year, typically in my sleep, I have a seizure. Several days ago, I had such a seizure in the morning as I slept. I woke up confused and I was having a very difficult time breathing. My wife was already up so I made my way to her and she asked what I was doing. I explained that I had a seizure and was having a very hard time breathing but she didn’t suggest/offer that she would take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself.
> 
> I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit.
> 
> ...


That's because you are living in LALA land. Either you have something wrong with your brain that you cannot recall that your wife had her cervix removed due to cancer or your wife is lying to you.

You don't seem to recognize how serious your marriage problems are. This is in no way normal. 





Yeswecan said:


> If you have no recollection of a cervix removal from a HPV virus and cancer scare...call your W out on it. You gave your W the HPV according to her. Did you get a STD test confirming you have HPV?
> 
> Your W is very passive aggressive.


It doesn't work that way. Men usually find out they have HPV if they have a wart. Women find out from a pap test that includes an HPV screening or if they find a wart.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So...You are married in name only. The rest is room mate status. You divi up the bills, play manipulation games, and obviously there is infidelity going on there somewhere.

I'm gonna throw a bone out to the wifey here. She "thinks" you gave her HPV, which resulted in her cervical cancer. Her being a licensed RN....Either she DID or DID NOT have HPV. If she says yes, when did she tell you that YOU have to be treated? Also, you have NO recollection of her cancer? Removing the cervix is a MAJOR operation. It's called a "radical hysterectomy"... My wife is signed up for one at the end of November. She will have close to 3 months of down time.... Did that ever happen in your history? Also, is she now on Estrogen replacement? If there is none in the house, you really need to get some answers.

Also, you state that you love your wife. Like a brother? Or a pet? Because I cannot for the life of me think about warm and tender feelings for someone who leaves me for dead after a seizure and respiratory distress...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Are you certain that your seizure disorder has not escalated? Seizures can lead to memory loss, but you would likely have noticed this in your everyday life--not just huge things like STD's and major surgery.

To me you do not have a marriage, but a roommate arrangement--wait most roommates would be more caring.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> That's because you are living in LALA land. Either you have something wrong with your brain that you cannot recall that your wife had her cervix removed due to cancer or your wife is lying to you.
> 
> You don't seem to recognize how serious your marriage problems are. This is in no way normal.
> 
> ...


But the question remains, did the OP in fact have HPV?


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So...You are married in name only. The rest is room mate status. You divi up the bills, play manipulation games, and obviously there is infidelity going on there somewhere.
> 
> I'm gonna throw a bone out to the wifey here. She "thinks" you gave her HPV, which resulted in her cervical cancer. Her being a licensed RN....Either she DID or DID NOT have HPV. If she says yes, when did she tell you that YOU have to be treated? Also, you have NO recollection of her cancer? Removing the cervix is a MAJOR operation. It's called a "radical hysterectomy"... My wife is signed up for one at the end of November. She will have close to 3 months of down time.... Did that ever happen in your history? Also, is she now on Estrogen replacement? If there is none in the house, you really need to get some answers.
> 
> Also, you state that you love your wife. Like a brother? Or a pet? Because I cannot for the life of me think about warm and tender feelings for someone who leaves me for dead after a seizure and respiratory distress...


For my part, I've never cheated on my wife and she seems so disinterested in sex that I would be surprised if she physically cheated on me. My wife NEVER told me that she had HPV, cancer or that she had to have her cervix removed. Nor did she tell me that I either had, or was exposed, to HPV (this would have been almost six years ago now). I suspect that she's lying about the entire episode or, she very well may be delusional. She is saying that her daughter visited her four times while she was in the hospital but I never did??? The problem with this is that, at that time, her daughter was only 15 and couldn't drive and I was the only way she could have gotten to the hospital. The idea that she would claim that I didn't visit/support her while she was a cancer patient, one that just underwent a major surgery, is extremely bizarre (who could forget you wife/husband being a cancer patient having organs removed).

I've been divorced before and it's a horrible thing. Over the years, the lack of intimacy, affirmation or signs of love in this relationship have forced me to become very independent. Because of this, I've just been putting a band-aid on this situation whenever I could. Sometimes a band-aide won't cover the wound though. 

Further, she is exceptionally manipulative. As an example, I'll come home and say, "Hi, how was your day?" She won't say anything in return. Thinking that she didn't hear me, I'll say it again but this time louder. She'll snap back, "I said my day was fine!" when she actually never said anything at all (but she will swear till she's blue in that face that she did). The same thing happens when I say I love you...she won't say anything back and then she'll yell that she said I love you back when she didn't etc.

Last night, I asked her if she wanted to talk and she refused. I'm assuming she's trying to reverse the situation by being mad at me for being mad at her for her not being there for me during the seizure/hospital visit.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Wow. If she’s gaslighting and manipulating you, you now have an instance that can prove one way or the other for you. Dig into the “procedure” and hospital stay. There would be records and bills for it if it did indeed happen. If it didn’t happen, you know that she’s full of it. And if it did happen, you should get more medical attention for yourself if you are missing such an important event in your memories. 
Either was, here is your chance for truth.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ring your daughter and ask her does she remember her mom being in hospital. 
Also start carrying a voice activated recorder and have it on you at all times. 
Someone in this marriage is delusional.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Two things jump out at me...

1. You are a prime candidate for 180. Should be real easy for you, since dealing with her estrangement and weird behavior. This will also, stop the antagonism on her part.

2. You need to keep a VAR on you at all times....Her "delusional" behavior is something that could and would be used against you. "He hit me..." Also, try to limit your physical time around her to a minimum.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Two things jump out at me...
> 
> 1. You are a prime candidate for 180. Should be real easy for you, since dealing with her estrangement and weird behavior. This will also, stop the antagonism on her part.
> 
> 2. You need to keep a VAR on you at all times....Her "delusional" behavior is something that could and would be used against you. "He hit me..." Also, try to limit your physical time around her to a minimum.


Absolutely. Your wife sounds mentally ill. Are you sure these seizures ARE actually seizures? I have to wonder if she has done something to you in your sleep?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He's not a candidate for anything, because he'll do nothing other than to keep whining/complaining. You can tell by his posts that he'll take 
no actions to get out of this "relationship".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would not sleep in the same room with this woman.
She may kill you and claim you had a seizure.

No sex, gaslighting, etc..

I’ve been in fist fights and witnessed the same where if a person was seriously injured, we stopped and saw to it that they got to a doctor. Even the worst enemy gets better treatment than your wife gives you.

For her to ignore you when you were having trouble breathing and had told her you had a seizure???

Your wife has no conscience and is likely mentally ill.

For you to stay in this relationship almost ensures that you have problems you need help with also. See a psychologist. It might change your life, or save it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Male39 said:


> Last night, I asked her if she wanted to talk and she refused. I'm assuming she's trying to reverse the situation by being mad at me for being mad at her for her not being there for me during the seizure/hospital visit.


So what? We get it - this relationship is toxic.

(1) Why do you stay, and (2) What, if anything, are you going to do about this other than complain?

And, P.S. - Waaaayyyyyyy too much drama and game playing here. SMH


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Do not discount Early Onset Alzheimer's.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

syhoybenden said:


> Do not discount Early Onset Alzheimer's.


Hi Syhoybenden and thank you for your response. There is simply no way that my wife told me that she had tested positive for an STD, cancer and that she was checking into the hospital to have her cervix removed without me remembering it. None. 


I'm the CEO of a 50+ employee company and if there was a degradation in my mental abilities to the level that I could have completely lost all retention of my wife having received a positive cancer diagnoses and the corresponding surgery, I have many team members who would have intervened by now.

Either it didn't happen, or it happened and she never told me due to the STD/HPV part of the equation (she may have said she was going on a business trip etc).

Further, at that time, she knew that I was still potentially interested in having a child. Accordingly, she could have kept this event private in the fear that I may have left her if I knew she could no longer have children. Now that her two kids are grown and we're about to be empty nesters, she may simply no longer care. Or...

My first wife had Munchausen syndrome. She wasn't happy unless she was either at the doctors office, hospital, had a patch over her eye or a soft cast on her leg with crutches. She LOVED the attention. At first, I just thought that she was accident prone but, as time went on, I became wise to her tendencies. When she KNEW is was on to her, she couldn't leave fast enough. 

My current wife may realize that I'm on to her gas lighting and that I have fully grasped the one sided nature of our relationship and, as her last child graduated high school this year, she may be looking for the door. Staying would take work that she isn't willing to put in and require a level of love and caring that she simply doesn't feel.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> But the question remains, did the OP in fact have HPV?


The only way for him to know this is if he develops a wart. There is no blood test or any other test for men to know if they have it in their system. A large percentage of the population has HPV and doesn't know it. All warts are viruses. You could have the wart virus in your system and not know it until you had an outbreak.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, I'll give this a final shot before I sign off here, but WHY DO YOU STAY????


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Please GTFO. I also drove myself to the hospital during an arrhythmia issue, almost passed out driving. If we can't rely on our spouse to assist during a life threatening crisis then there is absolutely no reason to continue in the marriage. 

GTFO.
GTFO.
GTFO. Seriously.

It isn't easy, you will feel a loss but also a PEACE that is priceless. She gives RNs a bad name. Wow.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Male39 said:


> My first wife had Munchausen syndrome. She wasn't happy unless she was either at the doctors office, hospital, had a patch over her eye or a soft cast on her leg with crutches. She LOVED the attention. At first, I just thought that she was accident prone but, as time went on, I became wise to her tendencies. When she KNEW is was on to her, she couldn't leave fast enough.
> 
> My current wife may realize that I'm on to her gas lighting and that I have fully grasped the one sided nature of our relationship and, as her last child graduated high school this year, she may be looking for the door. Staying would take work that she isn't willing to put in and require a level of love and caring that she simply doesn't feel.


I think I have an answer to my own question. You marry crazy women. It would behoove you to figure out why YOU do this. Something to consider ...


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Male39 said:


> It seems about once a year, typically in my sleep, I have a seizure. Several days ago, I had such a seizure in the morning as I slept. I woke up confused and I was having a very difficult time breathing. My wife was already up so I made my way to her and she asked what I was doing. I explained that I had a seizure and was having a very hard time breathing but she didn’t suggest/offer that she would take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself.
> 
> I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit.
> 
> ...


Could the seizures you have in your sleep be caused by your crazy wife holding a pillow over your face? Run from her, as fast and as far as possible.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

To clarify about HPV, it can be cleared from the system, so HPV doesn't necessarily stay in the body, like other viruses that run their course and are gone. There are some viruses that are more difficult to get rid of than others and mostly there isn't much you can do to make one leave.

I'm with the rest of the group here who thinks you may be in danger with your current wife. She is a danger to your well-being. Marriage is supposed to give one someone to rely on in time of trouble along with being there for one's spouse in her times of need. But your wife clearly doesn't love you or care one bit about you. She seems to have extreme contempt for you. I think you should find your way out immediately for your own personal safety.



AtMyEnd said:


> Could the seizures you have in your sleep be caused by your crazy wife holding a pillow over your face? Run from her, as fast and as far as possible.


Exactly. My first thought was to wonder if your wife is doing something that is causing your seizures.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> To clarify about HPV, it can be cleared from the system, so HPV doesn't necessarily stay in the body, like other viruses that run their course and are gone. There are some viruses that are more difficult to get rid of than others and mostly there isn't much you can do to make one leave.
> 
> I'm with the rest of the group here who thinks you may be in danger with your current wife. She is a danger to your well-being. Marriage is supposed to give one someone to rely on in time of trouble along with being there for one's spouse in her times of need. But your wife clearly doesn't love you or care one bit about you. She seems to have extreme contempt for you. I think you should find your way out immediately for your own personal safety.
> 
> ...


Yes, she does seem to have contempt for me. She also seems to have contempt for most everyone in her life and mine (family, friends, coworkers etc). Regarding the HPV issue, whether it be 5-years ago or in 2018, she's never asked me to get tested/inspected or whatever and I've had no symptoms whatsoever. 

She also has little empathy for animals (having run over two of our family cats because she refused to slow down when pulling in/out of the garage [one would be an accident, two is just not caring]). 

I understand why someone would think that she is doing something that may cause my seizures but, in truth, I would have no idea what it could be. We sleep in different rooms and she doesn't cook for me or even buy/supply my groceries.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Male39 said:


> She also has little empathy for animals (having run over two of our family cats because she refused to slow down when pulling in/out of the garage [one would be an accident, two is just not caring]).


You realize that she purposefully killed your cat - right?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Male39 said:


> Yes, she does seem to have contempt for me. She also seems to have contempt for most everyone in her life and mine (family, friends, coworkers etc). Regarding the HPV issue, whether it be 5-years ago or in 2018, she's never asked me to get tested/inspected or whatever and I've had no symptoms whatsoever.
> 
> She also has little empathy for animals (having run over two of our family cats because she refused to slow down when pulling in/out of the garage [one would be an accident, two is just not caring]).
> 
> I understand why someone would think that she is doing something that may cause my seizures but, in truth, I would have no idea what it could be. We sleep in different rooms and she doesn't cook for me or even buy/supply my groceries.


Why is it that you have not divorced her? Could you explain that?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I just wanted to read this looney thread again to get the facts straight. The OP and his wife go their separate ways. They sleep in separate rooms. It appears, from what OP reports, that they both buy their own groceries (including "ointments") and cook for themselves.

Am I the only one who thinks this is beyond crazy and slightly unbelievable to some extent? I mean, this woman had MAJOR SURGERY, or so she says, and OP doesn't remember it? This isn't a marriage, it IS beyond Laa-Laa Land (OP's words, not mine), and OP doesn't actually respond to straightforward questions when they are posed.

Oh, yeah, and professes to "love" her in the initial post to this thread. (Insert major eye roll here.)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Another talker not a doer. 

Until you change that nothing changes


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Male39 said:


> Yes, she does seem to have contempt for me. She also seems to have contempt for most everyone in her life and mine (family, friends, coworkers etc). Regarding the HPV issue, whether it be 5-years ago or in 2018, she's never asked me to get tested/inspected or whatever and I've had no symptoms whatsoever.
> 
> She also has little empathy for animals (having run over two of our family cats because she refused to slow down when pulling in/out of the garage [one would be an accident, two is just not caring]).
> 
> I understand why someone would think that she is doing something that may cause my seizures but, in truth, I would have no idea what it could be. We sleep in different rooms and she doesn't cook for me or even buy/supply my groceries.


Keep your bedroom door locked,preferably in another house somewhere.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Male,

Am I correct in summarizing...

**she risked your life with a dangerous cancer causing sub-type of HPV

*No children with this woman

*You are a CEO who is likely paying for her child/children for whatever they need.

*she does nothing domestically

*she does nothing sexually

*I'm guessing the salery she earns as a nurse she spends as she pleases her money is her money and your money is her money

*there is a good chance you are just a paycheck to her and she has a long term affair partner at the hospital where she works as a nurse

*can you say sociopath*

What would you say to someone who described the above about their spouse or SO, imagine taking with your best friend.

**Divorce her, 

*then find out why you pick such broken unfixable women, 

*take some time off, 

*marry someone who actually respects and loves you
*
Tamat


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Male39 said:


> It seems about once a year, typically in my sleep, I have a seizure. Several days ago, I had such a seizure in the morning as I slept. I woke up confused and I was having a very difficult time breathing. My wife was already up so I made my way to her and she asked what I was doing. I explained that I had a seizure and was having a very hard time breathing but she didn’t suggest/offer that she would take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself.
> 
> I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit.
> 
> ...


Gaslighting 101.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So tell us about her good qualities.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Tamat,

Thank you for your reply (and thank you all!). Below are my answers:

Am I correct in summarizing...

*she risked your life with a dangerous cancer causing sub-type of HPV
-Yes

*No children with this woman
-Correct

*You are a CEO who is likely paying for her child/children for whatever they need.
-Correct. I have always paid 100% of the mortgage, electric, phone (hers), garbage, marital home upgrades, satellite, internet and she has a company gas card and my AX. She buys me a box of 
protein bars once a week (may even use my AX to do so). She is a RN/Manager and makes $ 100,000.00/year - She was also getting $ 1,000.00 a month in child support. I see/saw none of the child support or her 
salary. Further, I paid $ 500.00/month so that her son could attend an out of district school that he no longer qualified for when his father moved out of state.

*she does nothing domestically
-She and her 18-year old son split the housekeeping. 

*she does nothing sexually
-Sex once in six years (this occurred about 2-months ago). When it occurred, there was NO mention of HPV (did I get tested etc). Last week she claimed that she had been infected wit the HPV virus so severely that 
it transitioned to cancer and a major surgery, yet when we had sex two months ago, she never once asked if I'd been tested etc. This is another reason that I know that she is lying either partially or completely 
about the cancer/surgery. 

*I'm guessing the salery she earns as a nurse she spends as she pleases her money is her money and your money is her money
-I never see a penny of it.

*there is a good chance you are just a paycheck to her and she has a long term affair partner at the hospital where she works as a nurse
-She is the black sheep of her family. She has little to no interaction with her siblings and very limited interaction with her parents. Her sister once reached out to her with an extremely heart-felt letter and my wife 
didn't even bother responding. In regards to her having an affair, I don't think that she's having a sexual affair but she may be having an emotional affair??? She is the least sexual person I've ever known.

*can you say sociopath
-I've often wondered this. 

What would you say to someone who described the above about their spouse or SO, imagine taking with your best friend.
-Leave

*then find out why you pick such broken unfixable women, 
-Both seemed like well adjusted women up to the point of marriage. Perfect? No, of course not. However, there were no omens that the above (or the Munchhausen) would follow. 
My issue is that I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. In both cases, the women were/is uncommonly beautiful. I overlooked issues in order to have a trophy wife instead of a partner and best friend. I 
thought that the material issues would ultimately resolve themselves.

To everyone who asked why I haven't done anything prior, I can only offer that I wasn't ready. I wasn't blind to what was going on, but I'm very independent (I'm sure my wife would say to a fault) so I was able to cover my marital faults with a blanket and step over them like they were a speed bump - until I couldn't/can't. As it stands, I come home and we don't say anything to each other - at all. To do so would simply devolve into an argument in that I would be trying to fix and bridge a gap and she would be dodging and weaving, creating a revised or altered history as she needed to save face or accept responsibility. 

Nothing would be accomplished in a heart to heart sit down because little to nothing of honesty would be conveyed from her side. She would say she did when she didn't or that I did when I didn't and so on. I texted her Saturday evening, saying, "I love you." Maybe I do, maybe it was habit...either way, she never responded and still hasn't. I tried to talk to her Sunday morning and she refused. I tried to talk to her Monday evening and she refused. Yesterday, there was no communication between us at all. 

A year or so ago, she told me that she deleted her Facebook. Six months ago, I noticed she re-activated it and I asked her about this. She said that she reactivated it so she could check on family members but that she had no friends - and would have no friends. Yesterday, I looked and she had posted a "glamour looking" photo of herself in July of this year - with the caption, "What are you waiting for? Redeye." (I have no idea what the caption means) Now, why would she/anyone post provocative looking photos of ones self, on a Facebook account with no friends unless it was to get someones attention (worth noting is that she also DID have our wedding pic and a few of me posted in her photos as well).


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just can't understand that men like the OP actually exist, and that they are CEO??? WTF??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I Read your last post:


1 There are beautiful women out there that love sex and will treat you good. This one is neither. I don’t even see how she could still be attractive to you after how she’s been to you. 
2 you clearly are in a position to attract beautiful women. Likely moreso now than ever.
3. Why would you possibly even miss this person when she’s gone?
4. What possible benefit is she to your life?
You get to look at her once in a while in passing? You can do that with almost anyone. Hell, one might actually pleasantly speak to you. You’d get kinder treatment from a waitress in a nice restaurant. 
5. She likely has a huge life ins policy on you. I would lock my doors at night and get a food taster. Stay away from wine— wood alcohol has been used many times in the past to get rid of someone.
6 get some cameras in your house.
7. File for divorce and move out before she gets served. She’s dangerous.
8. You’ve been without sex for 6 years. Why recently? Was it good? Did she act like she liked it?
9. Scratch that, he’ll yes it was good if it’s the first you e had in six years.
10. Really? I mean, REALLY?
You are married to her, but the taxi driver on the street has more interaction with her.
Why won’t you divorce her????????


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Male39 said:


> I texted her Saturday evening, saying, "I love you." Maybe I do, maybe it was habit...either way, she never responded and still hasn't. I tried to talk to her Sunday morning and she refused. I tried to talk to her Monday evening and she refused. Yesterday, there was no communication between us at all.


The embarrassingly submissive, weak, needy, desperate, pitiful, cringe-worthy revelation above pretty much explains WHY you continually refuse to answer the numerous posts asking you *why* you're still with this wretched, soul sucking sister of Satan himself.

Because unbelievably, you STILL love this sadistic, nasty lunatic for reasons only *you* can comprehend. Truth is, most of us would cross the street just to avoid walking that close to living, breathing evil.

OP, are you one of those guys who's a powerful CEO during the day, wielding all this power over everyone and everything, being a mover and shaker in industry and making things happen - but then you leave work and go home to have a dog collar slapped around your neck and made to crawl on the floor while you have your ass beaten to a pulp by a Dominatrix? 

That would actually explain a good portion of this slow-motion train wreck.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Male,
> 
> Am I correct in summarizing...
> 
> ...





She'sStillGotIt said:


> The embarrassingly submissive, weak, needy, desperate, pitiful, cringe-worthy revelation above pretty much explains WHY you continually refuse to answer the numerous posts asking you *why* you're still with this wretched, soul sucking sister of Satan himself.
> 
> Because unbelievably, you STILL love this sadistic, nasty lunatic for reasons only *you* can comprehend. Truth is, most of us would cross the street just to avoid walking that close to living, breathing evil.
> 
> ...




She'sStillGotIt, 

Stop sugar coating it and tell me what you really think LOL!!! Please know that I DOOOO see your perspective. When you're actually standing in my shoes though, it can be quite confusing. There is no way any reasonable or caring person could NOT think that they're completely without blame when their partner is acting in such an uncaring way. 

I guess my confidence in my ability to be happily married, to a woman who is truly a partner and truly loves me back...it isn't there. I KNOW that I'm not perfect. I drink a six pack of beer before bed each night (raging type A and this allows me to relax enough so that I fall asleep [and she drinks wine each night]), I watch porn (in private), I use tobacco etc...I have vices and faults and when someone treats you the way that my wife treats me, you start to question yourself - thinking that I MUST BE such a lousy husband/person TO HER that I've earned her treatment. However, even with the aforementioned factored in, I've always treated her well and cared for her and her two kids. This afternoon, I've called to schedule a meeting with a counselor (just me).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If she makes 100k a year and basically has no living expenses (because you pay all of them) then I'm betting she has hundreds of thousands stashed away somewhere.

When you finally divorce, look into this. She will lie and hide the assets. Hire an accountant to find out where her hundred thousand every year goes. That's insane.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Male39 said:


> When you're actually standing in my shoes though, it can be quite confusing. There is no way any reasonable or caring person could NOT think that they're completely without blame when their partner is acting in such an uncaring way.


Okay, you have your faults. We all do. But you can't even have a conversation/discussion about the marital discord and issues. There is a disconnect here. Why? Because your wife treats you like crap, but you don't even actually know why. 



Male39 said:


> I guess my confidence in my ability to be happily married, to a woman who is truly a partner and truly loves me back...it isn't there. ... I have vices and faults and when someone treats you the way that my wife treats me, you start to question yourself - thinking that I MUST BE such a lousy husband/person TO HER that I've earned her treatment.


This isn't about confidence. It's about fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of facing yourself. Fear of admitting you are lousy at picking wives (for whatever reason). And fear of facing your own issues. You are looking to your crazy wife to define you. After all, she dishes out the abuse so YOU must be responsible, in some way, and deserve it. You don't EARN bad treatment, you COMMAND respect. And that is an inside job. Any self-respecting man wouldn't roll over and let anyone, including his wife, treat him with such blatant disrespect.

But you have. 

Drinking a six pack and smoking cigarettes, while not healthy, doesn't mean you deserve a wife you treats you like scum. So you did something(s) and you figure it triggered her to make you Doormat of the Year. Maybe your wife is just a crazy, nasty woman. I hope your meeting with a counselor leads to a commitment to remain in treatment until you figure out why you tolerate such treatment and you are able to set healthy boundaries. Also, it would behoove you to kick this woman to the curb. Let her find someone else to crap all over. Seriously.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> If she makes 100k a year and basically has no living expenses (because you pay all of them) then I'm betting she has hundreds of thousands stashed away somewhere.
> 
> When you finally divorce, look into this. She will lie and hide the assets. Hire an accountant to find out where her hundred thousand every year goes. That's insane.


She probably only takes home 60k.

We all know a woman can spend that in her sleep, handcuffed to the bed. Probably no savings.
Lmao


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So have you considered talking to your wife? How’d that go?


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So have you considered talking to your wife? How’d that go?


Hi Evinrude58.

I've tried and it goes nowhere. If I say that she did something, she will say that she didn't...even if she did. She will then say I did something...even when I didn't, and so on. I don't think that she cares about me or the marriage. 

After her first husband divorced her, her parents (they are both good people and devoted Christians), read her the riot act. She was married to her X for almost 10-years and her parents considered him a part of the family (rightfully so). They were upset that she never told her parents that they were divorcing until they were already divorced. They went on to outline Biblical terms for divorce, such as adultery. She told her parents that there was adultery in her first marriage (committed by her X), however, I don't believe this to be true (at least nothing physical).

A part of me thinks that she may have fabricated the HPV/STD thing to lay ground work for a false adultery claim against me with her parents if this continues to escalate.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Male39 said:


> Tamat,
> 
> Thank you for your reply (and thank you all!). Below are my answers:
> 
> ...


My brother, if only half of everything you say is true, stay with me, if ONLY Half was true, then she is completely B*T S*** CRAZY. Get it, nuts, gone, see you later gone...

You sir are being completely weak about this entire thing and you are doing damage to your children in the process. 

How do I know what you are doing, because I have lived with and was married to someone, not as bad as your wife, but just as crazy. 

I know what I am talking about. 

YOU must stop this weak foolishness, file for divorce and move on with your life. Hopefully, your children will understand someday that you did not know how to handle the situation so you let them stay in it with you because you did not know better. 

Do you get that, no matter what their age, they will be damaged to some extent because YOU did not boot your wife out and take care of them like you should have. 

Is that enough to get you off your ass and file for divorce?????


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Male39, You are not at fault at all for your wife's horrible attitude and behavior. Most of us here believe you are in actual danger from your wife and should get out of the house immediately.

It's good that you are going to see a therapist, but you should also see an attorney. 

There is no need to try to speak to your wife again - ever. And who cares what her parents think. That is not your concern. Your concern should be to meet your personal responsibility to take care of yourself.

The reason why you are so confused is that your wife is an abuser and she has created this bizarre environment that has caused this kind of confusion in your mind. You have got to get out of there. Seriously - RUN. Do not attempt further communication with your wife. Talk to an attorney and file for divorce. Tell the attorney you are in fear of your life and cannot go near her.

Gaslighting is when someone does or says things that make you doubt your own perceptions. It is literally crazy making behavior. People can drive you crazy by doing that. Get out and get help; in that order.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You will need to get all of your financial paperwork and take it somewhere outside your home. I seriously wouldn't go back into the house without someone with you. When you are there, take all of your wife's financial paperwork as well. You can give it back to her, but right now you need as clear a picture as possible to understand what is going on.

Heck, bring a truck and hand truck to take out the filing cabinet and anything else you should have. You can always return anything that you legally need to return, but for now you need to use the most expedient manner to get what you need without further ado and get yourself to safety.

Do not tell your wife anything. She has stopped speaking to you, so it should be of no surprise when you don't communicate with her. She is now your enemy. Please realize that. You don't give your enemy information that they can use against you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have to agree that a person like this is going to be one heck of a dangerous person, should she find out you are divorcing her. 
She’s already sounding dangerous.

You are just wasting your life at this point.

You are depriving yourself of a normal existence in which you can be happy, be communicated with, receive love and support...

But only if you choose wisely.

You don’t have to marry an ugly woman, but stop looking for a ten in looks and a zero in character. Look for a ten in character, and one that you are atttacted to. You might find that they become a perfect ten in looks when you fall in love with them.
Your wife should have slid 9 points on the beauty scale after finding out what a bad partner she is. 

Your perception of how a happy marriage should be must really be a pretty bad environment. 

Do you really want to stay married to this person? If so, you def need therapy more than most.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

^^^^see, Told ya so! Keep a recording device handy. Don't go drinking vitamins she gives you....Seriously. 

I would also think about getting a PI involved. See what she is capable of. And of course, a good witness in case of Sh*t hitting the fan. 

STOP PAYING HER WAY!!!! Stop all payments. Period. Kids can go to public school. Internet, phone, other such crap can be thrown out too. You have given this WW a very high golden perch for her to rest upon. Get it gone!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You keep saying your wife is the least sexual person you know. Maybe with YOU. 

She is a master gaslighter. She sounds dangerous and capable of real violence. 

You need to hot foot it out of this marriage. You're 2 trophy wives in. Both are horrid human beings. You must not go down this road again. Next time choose substance and character over looks. 

I'm heartened to hear you've made an appointment with a counselor. Now you must make an appointment with a lawyer. Immediately.

I'm serious when I say to sleep with one eye open. Your wife is dangerous and sounds very mentally ill.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Male39,

If you need more proof I think you should speak with her exH, what happened to him is likely what happened to you. Its common for cheaters to accuse their spouses of cheating.

Although you said she is the least sexual person in the world, I think it is only for her husbands. 

I feel she is someone else for someone else and that someone else may have been the same person she cheated on her first husband with, that person is who she loves and the reason she never did and never will love you. 

I seriously doubt that a super hot nurse as you describe her in a medical environment often with rampant cheating would not be hit on or turned into a work wife at an early age. 

She is almost the worst enemy you could ever have in your life and she actively hates you.

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Male39 said:


> take me to the hospital so I foolishly drove myself.
> 
> ...
> 
> I was there four hours getting oxygen and a breathing treatment. My wife, an RN, didn’t bother coming to visit.


You were in the hospital for 4 hours and you expected her to visit you during that time? That's like doc visit.

Have you had any neurological exams to determine the source of your seizures? I'm just wondering because I don't think that oxygen and breathing treatments are the way seizures are handled. Do you have sleep apnea? 




Male39 said:


> I feel like I’m living in LALA land…


Yep, sounds like lala land. There is an exit door you know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your sex life died about 6 years ago. Wasn't that at about the time that she claims to have had the surgery? 

You posted about problems with your wife in 2013. The complaints were about the same except there were no trips to the hospital for either of you.

The things you complain about now have been going on basically your entire marriage to this woman. 

It sounds to make like she does not like you very much, has not for a long time. But she's long for the ride since she knows you are not going to leave her and it's financially good for her and her children. 

I don't know what state you live in, but in a lot of states, the longer you stay married the more likely you will end up paying her alimony if you divorce. My take on this is that you earn a lot more than she does. Plus she might walk away with 50% of your house.

You need to divorce her asap to prevent her from getting her claws further into you financially.

Here's something to contemplate..... you say that you are having seizures. You could end up an invalid at some point. Is this really the person you want to be making your healthcare decisions for you if this happens? That's pretty scary. Apparently she stands to do very well if you are unable to handle your affairs or you die. Think about that for a while.. get scared and get divorced.

Also, do you have any children of your own? Do you have extended family? If so, what is your relationship like with them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> You realize that she purposefully killed your cat - right?


And a cat killer is a person killer in waiting.

Murderers almost always practice on animals first.

And with her mental health issues, there is no way she should be working as a RN. She is too unstable.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yes. Please get out of this. I am serious, she sounds like a featured character on ID's Deadly Women.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You say that your sex life died about 6 years ago. Wasn't that at about the time that she claims to have had the surgery?
> 
> You posted about problems with your wife in 2013. The complaints were about the same except there were no trips to the hospital for either of you.
> 
> ...



Good morning EleGirl and thank you for your response. I agree that 4-hours at the hospital isn't that long, however I didn't know 1, 2, 3 hours in etc. why I was having a difficult time breathing, nor did I know how long I was going to be there (they actually tried to check me in for the weekend and I refused). My only point in in bringing this up was that, if she really cared for me on any meaningful level, she would have wanted to be there with me and for me; not to mention her not driving me there in the first place. 

The only time that she actually brought me to the hospital was when I was prescribed an anticonvulsant for the seizures and had a negative reaction (racing pulse and difficulty walking). She bit*ed at me the whole way there and, in lieu of dropping me off at the door because I was having a hard time walking, she parked on the far side of the lot, got out and made a B-Line for the door leaving me to walk alone. 

I live in Ohio, a no fault state. I owned my business and the home we live in prior to our marriage so I can't imagine that she would get much or any of these. I may have to pay her spousal support for a time; so be it. I already am and in more ways than financial. 

I have no children of my own and she has two; 20 and now 18 (just graduated HS this past spring). 

In reflection, I once met her former mother in law and it was blatantly obvious that she HATED my wife. I would imagine that my wife completely ignored her in the same manner that she ignores my parents, family and friends. My wife will accept expensive family heirloom jewelry from my mother (given to me to give to her), but she won't call or write to say thank you. As she never wears this jewelry, she may have sold it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So are you going to boot her?

If so, when?

If so, why now?

You don’t have any kids with her and she makes 100k a year. Looks like you have that going for you. Unless you’re wealthy, she doesn’t really need spousal support.

She will go after it, though. 
I’d get a consultation with every shark lawyer around.... so she can’t use them against you. But you’re a businessman, so you probably already know this.
It would be gratifying to me, were I in your shoes, to see her having to spend her paycheck on a house note and bills like everyone else for once.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So are you going to boot her?
> 
> If so, when?
> 
> ...


I just got back from a consultation with an attorney. Even though she had nothing to do with the starting of my business or my businesses growth, she is entitled to half of the increase in value since we married. The same with the equity in my home, even though she never paid a dime towards the mortgage. It also sounds like I'll have to pay her spousal support for several years...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Male39 said:


> I just got back from a consultation with an attorney. Even though she had nothing to do with the starting of my business or my businesses growth, she is entitled to half of the increase in value since we married. The same with the equity in my home, even though she never paid a dime towards the mortgage. It also sounds like I'll have to pay her spousal support for several years...


The cost of staying is much steeper. Cut your losses and run. The longer you stay, the more you owe, and the worse it gets.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sad to say, but the OP sounds like just another case of the many we see here on TAM: They stay, and make excuses to stay, in a toxic, soul-sucking relationship.

The latest "reason" to stay seems to be financial. I'd pay up and cut my losses. I doubt OP will do that.

If the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, he'll leave. Given how long this living hell has gone on and his lack of action to end it, it doesn't sound like leaving is a viable option.

Just sayin' ....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Male39 said:


> I just got back from a consultation with an attorney. Even though she had nothing to do with the starting of my business or my businesses growth, she is entitled to half of the increase in value since we married. The same with the equity in my home, even though she never paid a dime towards the mortgage. It also sounds like I'll have to pay her spousal support for several years...


That sucks. 

Honestly, you allowing her to have zero skin in the game has kinda led to this. She’s basically going to financially rape you on the way out. I would get another consultation, actually. 

There’s nothing to stay for, but if you do stay married, I’d stop the cash flow and make her start paying her part. A good enough attorney can figure out a way to help you with your baroness I think, given tone.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

If she's been making $100k/yr with nothing to spend it on she's probably got hidden accounts or investments. Hire a forensic accountant and make sure you get your half.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> She probably only takes home 60k.
> 
> We all know a woman can spend that in her sleep, handcuffed to the bed. Probably no savings.
> Lmao


She could easily be making 100k as a nurse manager. I'm making nearly that as a nurse and I'm not a manager.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> If she's been making $100k/yr with nothing to spend it on she's probably got hidden accounts or investments. Hire a forensic accountant and make sure you get your half.


I already pointed this out. The replies were that after taxes, yearly net is probably "only 60k" and that women can spend that easily.

I think that's a bull**** reply and that there is no way that woman doesn't have hundreds of thousands stashed, but it's OPs life.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

If finances are such a sticking point....Why not just leave her. Most states have separation on the laws....

You keep working in your company, and you keep her away from getting money out of you as well. Separate finances and such...Give her the house, then when she defaults, your in the clear. Eventually, she will find another sucker for marriage and maybe she can get stupid #2 to pay for that along with your divorce...hehe.

And, you might want to consider getting OUT of Ohio. If laws are such that a licensed nurse can make out like a bandit for years off of alimony, with NO years in marriage....Why feed the pig? Also, 180 is alot easier when you are far away....


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Sad to say, but the OP sounds like just another case of the many we see here on TAM: They stay, and make excuses to stay, in a toxic, soul-sucking relationship.
> 
> The latest "reason" to stay seems to be financial. I'd pay up and cut my losses. I doubt OP will do that.
> 
> ...


Tipping point. The balance of the ever changing equation. Where the tolerance level raises, the expectations lower, or just change. Consistent reevaluation. Many may think that it has something to do with the cost benefit relationship, but it really is exactly what Prodigal has posted here. When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, then we can choose less pain over more pain. But who in their right mind would choose pain?


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Update:

As I mentioned before the weekend prior to last, I attempted to talk to her Saturday, Sunday and then Monday; she declined. We never spoke for the rest of the week. I contacted a second attorney Friday of last week and set up a consultation appointment. 

Sunday morning, in a last ditch effort to find resolution, I asked my wife if she was interested in working on our marriage. 

She said:

-She was tired of living her life for other people
-She didn't want to work on the marriage, she wanted to work on herself
-Holding back tears, she didn't know who she was anymore 

Dumbfounded, I asked her who she's been living her life for because is sure hasn't been me? I pointed out that we only communicate once a week, Saturday and that the only service that she provides for me/the marriage is throwing my underwear and socks in with her laundry every other week and buying me a $ 5.00 box of protein bars once a week (while she's already at the grocery store - probably using my credit card). 

When we first met and during the first few years of our marriage, she was a marathon runner and triathlete. When she was active with these, she was a member of a running group that met on Wednesdays and Saturdays. She said that she misses this and quit going because I "made her quit." ??????????

She quit marathons and tri's because she burned out after she ran the Boston Marathon. She reached the mountain top, so to speak, and then she lost her passion for it. I had NOTHING to do with her dropping out of her running group and was nothing but supportive of her when she was member. Of course, I looked at her like she had three eyes and asked her how in the hell I had anything, whatsoever, to do with her quitting her running group and she said that it was my constant complaining that she wasn't home on Saturday mornings.

Once again, this was a complete and absolute lie (two years ago at Christmas, I bought her about a $ 1,000.00 of running and tri accessories that she has never even opened). I have no idea why she feels the need to pin her lack of running or group involvement on me but she did. 

She then said that she was tired of our date night EVERY Saturday (this is now the ONLY time that we actually spend together). She also said that she was tired of always driving on date night because I'm drinking. She is correct, she does always drive because I do drink a six pack while watching a movie while she's getting ready/dressed. Saturday is the ONLY night of the week that I eat something beyond a protein bar for dinner and it's my cheat/binge night. Further, beyond washing my underwear/sox every other week and buying me the box of protein bars once a week, her driving on date night is the only thing I've tasked her with - and it's been an unofficial tasking in that she's only complaining about it NOW because she can (I.e. we could easily Uber or I could simply not drink). 

She went on to say that she didn't always want to go out with me on Saturdays and that, sometimes, she would rather hang out with her girlfriend instead. I pointed out to her that Saturday date night started about three years ago because SHE was CONSTANTLY complaining that we NEVER go out and that all we do is stay home (at this time, we actually sat and watched evening TV together and talked...some). Of course, in another blatant lie, she denied that date night was initially started to appease her (and I quickly came to enjoy it as well). 

I then told her that the reason that we will never be able to fix our marriage is her refusal to be honest and her willingness to blatantly lie. I then told her that either she needs to move out while we're "going through this" or I was. 

It is clear to me that I am the bad guy. If she has a problem, I'm either the problems direct or indirect source. Were it not for me, her life would be perfect. 

Oddly, I came home Sunday night and she had done my laundry and stocked my protein bars. 

Yesterday, I met with the new attorney. She was fantastic and, compared to the first attorney that I met a week prior, she was an absolute superstar. She also seemed to know all of the other family law attorneys in the area that are either formidable or laughable etc. 

I paid the retainer and she is serving the divorce papers next week.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She is either completely crazy, and I mean completely, or she is having an affair or both. 

I want to see how she acts when she gets served. Could go one of several ways. It will be interesting to see how it goes...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re gonna need a good attorney. I’m glad you saw another.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Yay for new attorney and prep to serve papers. Don't let your momentum falter. Do not second guess yourself.

On Aug. 1st, you talked about lack of confidence and your vices . Sounds like you have come a long way since then. Your wife's treatment of you is/was meant to destroy your confidence. Gaslighting 101.

You implied that some of your 'vices' were related to her treatment. Now is the time to realize that your behaviors reflect your choices--change what you don't like--just like you are moving on in your marriage. Don't blame her or anyone else. Get as healthy as possible--it will help the miserable divorce process. I'd advise sleep apnea testing, just in case.

Find/create the person you want to be--now. You are on a roll!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm very glad you're filing. The blatant disrespect your wife dishes out, is disgusting.

Don't discuss crap with her when she gets served. She's done with the marriage and it sounds like she checked out years ago.

You deserve a helluva lot better than this.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> She is either completely crazy, and I mean completely, or she is having an affair or both.
> 
> I want to see how she acts when she gets served. Could go one of several ways. It will be interesting to see how it goes...


Remove any irreplaceable items from the house prior to her being served.

carry a VAR.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> The cost of staying is much steeper. Cut your losses and run. The longer you stay, the more you owe, and the worse it gets.


On a similar note: You are currently her sugar daddy. You are already giving her your business and supporting her. You may actually come out ahead if you divorce her. Also, as others have mentioned, hire a forensic accountant to find out where she is hiding money. If your assets are community property, so are hers. You seem to have no fire in you for justice. Where is your concern for justice!

Ask your attorney if her hiding assets can get you out of alimony.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am concerned for you. I have read and re-read this thread. You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath, and given that she crushed two cats, she is a serial killer in the making. (Psych 101-serial killers start with small animals and escalate). Get her out! No ifs, no buts. Hire security for the day that she is served. Make it abundantly clear that you owned the house before, and she is to get out. THEN, get statements from her about the HPV and the cancer diagnosis. Subpoena her medical records. That will establish a pattern of deceit. In discoveries, have your attorney fry her ass with questions, followed by her lies, followed by the truths. At this point, everything that has come out of her mouth is questionable from her status at work, or rather if she works at all, to the reason for her last divorce, to her earnings. If this is not a physical ailment that is causing this caustic and self centered individual to attack the truth and her mate, then it is a psychological basis, and she cannot be at all trusted. At some point, I would recommend a restraining order as I fear for your safety.

I have been in the discovery where a female had to face the lies she told during the marriage. This one bore a striking resemblance to the kid from the Exorcist, every time a lie was exposed, and put in the official record, her head literally spun. At one point, I heard a woman with degrees up the wazoo, scream that it was unfair to make her tell her secrets, and we were horrible boys (she used the word boys) for making her own up. At the end of the session, she physically attacked my client, saying that she wanted what she wanted, like a petulant child, and left some fairly bad facial scratches, which when we stood before the police within the next hour, and swore out a statement for assault and battery, caused the police to make some fairly extensive photographic evidence. She was also not impressed when we asked officers to arrest her at her office rather than waiting til she arrived home. We wanted total humiliation. We got it in spades. She was in a meeting with a number of executives (Fortune 500 corp), when the police interrupted the meeting, cuffed her and lead her out of the office. The humiliation was complete, as we ensured that she would not see a judge for a few days (had her arrested on a Friday of a holiday weekend, arraignments were held until Tuesday-no bail set until then-she used her phone call to call her STBXH. Who then proceeded to laugh.)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Taxman said:


> I am concerned for you. I have read and re-read this thread. You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath, and given that she crushed two cats, she is a serial killer in the making. (Psych 101-serial killers start with small animals and escalate). Get her out! No ifs, no buts. Hire security for the day that she is served. Make it abundantly clear that you owned the house before, and she is to get out. THEN, get statements from her about the HPV and the cancer diagnosis. Subpoena her medical records. That will establish a pattern of deceit. In discoveries, have your attorney fry her ass with questions, followed by her lies, followed by the truths. At this point, everything that has come out of her mouth is questionable from her status at work, or rather if she works at all, to the reason for her last divorce, to her earnings. If this is not a physical ailment that is causing this caustic and self centered individual to attack the truth and her mate, then it is a psychological basis, and she cannot be at all trusted. At some point, I would recommend a restraining order as I fear for your safety.
> 
> I have been in the discovery where a female had to face the lies she told during the marriage. This one bore a striking resemblance to the kid from the Exorcist, every time a lie was exposed, and put in the official record, her head literally spun. At one point, I heard a woman with degrees up the wazoo, scream that it was unfair to make her tell her secrets, and we were horrible boys (she used the word boys) for making her own up. At the end of the session, she physically attacked my client, saying that she wanted what she wanted, like a petulant child, and left some fairly bad facial scratches, which when we stood before the police within the next hour, and swore out a statement for assault and battery, caused the police to make some fairly extensive photographic evidence. She was also not impressed when we asked officers to arrest her at her office rather than waiting til she arrived home. We wanted total humiliation. We got it in spades. She was in a meeting with a number of executives (Fortune 500 corp), when the police interrupted the meeting, cuffed her and lead her out of the office. The humiliation was complete, as we ensured that she would not see a judge for a few days (had her arrested on a Friday of a holiday weekend, arraignments were held until Tuesday-no bail set until then-she used her phone call to call her STBXH. Who then proceeded to laugh.)


I know you said you don't want your methods getting back to your clients, but you really ought to consider writing these cases as novels. Changes some details and use a pen name, but I think you would do really well as a writer. Selling novellas in digital format for people to read on their phones and tablets would probably get you onto the Amazon best seller list.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Male39 said:


> For my part, I've never cheated on my wife and she seems so disinterested in sex that I would be surprised if she physically cheated on me. My wife NEVER told me that she had HPV, cancer or that she had to have her cervix removed. Nor did she tell me that I either had, or was exposed, to HPV (this would have been almost six years ago now). I suspect that she's lying about the entire episode or, she very well may be delusional. She is saying that her daughter visited her four times while she was in the hospital but I never did??? The problem with this is that, at that time, her daughter was only 15 and couldn't drive and I was the only way she could have gotten to the hospital. The idea that she would claim that I didn't visit/support her while she was a cancer patient, one that just underwent a major surgery, is extremely bizarre (who could forget you wife/husband being a cancer patient having organs removed).
> 
> I've been divorced before and it's a horrible thing. Over the years, the lack of intimacy, affirmation or signs of love in this relationship have forced me to become very independent. Because of this, I've just been putting a band-aid on this situation whenever I could. Sometimes a band-aide won't cover the wound though.
> 
> ...


Your point is?

It's actually a little mildly amusing because you sort of nearly kind of could have died.... and your wife didn't give a toss...and you're here complaining...and nothing....still complaining


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Being an RN, there are lots of ways your wife could figure out to kill you and make it look like an accident, especially with your seizure disorder. Just sayin. I don't want to watch your case on forensic files some day.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Good job on seeing another lawyer. I'm still extremely concerned about you, she is dangerous. And buckle up because this is going to get UGLY. VAR with you at all times, when she is served be prepared she will go off the rails because she will see her meal ticket slipping away.

Try to have someone with you at all crucial times in this process. She will NOT go down without a nasty fight.

Get ready.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Update:

My wife and I haven't talked all week so I obviously began to assume that...maybe she simply wants out now too (she's ignored the several attempts that I've made at communication and so on). My attorney is scheduled to serve her with the divorce papers this week so, this afternoon, I thought I would broach the subject of divorce, officially, for the first time. 

I was SHOCKED in that she admitted that she does want a divorce because our marriage isn't working and hasn't in a long time. She went on to say she doesn't ever see it working and she's "just tired" and wants to work on herself. Of course, I could have asked her what she was tired of, given her lack of contribution over the years but at this point, whatever. 

I told her that I had already seen an attorney and asked her if she wanted to get a very costly divorce or a quick and tidy, mutually agreeable, disillusionment. She said that she didn't want to go through an expensive/lengthy divorce but...she doesn't want to get screwed either. 

On the surface, I'm not sure what she meant by not getting screwed (we don't have kids together and she knows that I wouldn't ask HER for alimony). I can only assume that her statement meant the obvious; despite that for all intents and purposes she been a sugar baby for almost a decade, she now wants to leave, but with a full purse. 

In order to get this quickly behind me, I'm willing to offer her 36 months of alimony (modest) as well as give her 50% of any significant assets that we've accrued during our marriage (only things that the court would most likely give her anyway).

In hindsight, I think she married me because she thought her parents would approve of me and I would be a good father figure to her kids. I don't think that she ever loved me, which is why she was such a bi*ch to me for the majority of our marriage. She simply doesn't and didn't care about me and my needs and she's now reached a point that she's can't live the lie anymore. I think the last few years may have been such a living hell because she's been turning up antics up in order to get me to initiate the dirty work. Of course, this is all speculation...

Either that or she has the lowest emotional IQ of anyone that I've ever met and no ability to love deeply. Regardless, knock on wood, this MAY go easier than I was anticipating when I woke up this morning. 

Also, I want everyone who's responded to know that I very much appreciate your kind giving of time and support. I'll be sure to pass that forward.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Don't think all the 'shouting' is over yet. Want to know when you are safely cut loose.

I do understand your shock, although not many here will be surprised. Took me way too long to realize that Ex was trying to force me to file. I felt sorta foolish--he kept telling me he was leaving for years. What a relief!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to realize when she says she doesn’t want to get screwed, what she really means is she wants to leave and have you continue to spend all your earnings on her.

As you said, leave with a full purse.

Be prepared for her to get a fierce attorney.

Be prepared.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Update:

As I already said, this past Sunday my STBXW finally admitted that she wants a divorce. Later that night, I texted the kids and told them that their mother wants a divorce but I would always be there for them. About two minutes later, she starts blowing me up with texts telling me to stop telling people that SHE said that she wants a divorce...because...she never said that (???). She said that I was the one who had already went to an attorney and that I should own that I (!) want the divorce - not her. Of course, six hours earlier, I point blank asked her if she wanted a divorce and she told me yes.

In hindsight, it was wrong of me to text the kids (ages 18 and 20) and tell them that she wants a divorce; I should have simply said that we were getting divorced but I would always be there for them. I guess given the circumstances of why I ultimately went to the attorney, I don't really feel like taking responsibility for the divorce. 

She went on to say that I've never taken responsibility for my actions:

-I don't help clean the house (I pay 100% of all the bills so why would I also clean up after the people living there rent free [and I've paid others to clean the house because it was so messy I couldn't stand it]).
-I don't make quality time for her and her kids (I take her on date night every Saturday night, brunch with the kids every Sunday - which she chooses not to go etc).
-I don't do yard work (I ask my 18-year old step son to sit on the riding mower and cut the grass)
-I don't take the kids to their functions (they are 20 and 18 and drive - but I used to pick them up from school everyday, attend their soccer games etc and I've gone to every one of her marathons etc.).
-Throwing money at things (bills) and buying her stuff (gifts to express love) don't make a marriage.
-I moved out of the bedroom (because, as she knows, my seizures are sleep related but she would wake me up 5-times a night to tell me to roll over because I was snoring; this destroyed all REM sleep).
-I don't watch TV with her anymore (as I've told her, because she is doing homework while watching TV and constantly snaps at me).
-I don't compromise (she parks in the garage, i park in the drive, she sleeps in the master, I sleep in our daughters old room, she watches TV in the front room, I watch TV in the backroom, I could go on and on).
-She then said that she is angry at herself for ever believing that I would be who I said I was when we first got married (???). 

Of course, I replied via email to each of the points but, ultimately, it won't make any difference and she won't get it - ever. I then told her that I need to know, SOON, if she wants to get a disillusionment or go through a formal divorce. I went on to tell her that I was not going to let this drag out for months or even weeks stating that there was no way that I was going to continue providing free "rent", electric, internet, cell phone, credit card, fuel card etc. etc to a woman who doesn't want to be with me or respect me or appreciate my contribution.

There was no reply.

Because there was no reply, this morning I asked her if she had received my email. She said that she had and that she would respond. She then went on to say, "I don't know what your rush is!"

My rush is this: if you have to eat a sh*t sandwich, it's best to do so quickly. Further, the longer this drags on, the more time I'm wasting on starting the next chapter of my life and the more creative she will get in her attempts to screw me.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Male39,

You have done well. Keep the focus on the prize and move forward. Don't get distracted!!

Best


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Male39 said:


> Update:
> 
> As I already said, this past Sunday my STBXW finally admitted that she wants a divorce. Later that night, I texted the kids and told them that their mother wants a divorce but I would always be there for them. About two minutes later, she starts blowing me up with texts telling me to stop telling people that SHE said that she wants a divorce...because...she never said that (???). She said that I was the one who had already went to an attorney and that I should own that I (!) want the divorce - not her. Of course, six hours earlier, I point blank asked her if she wanted a divorce and she told me yes.
> 
> ...


OP, you have to keep telling yourself that she is basically nut, because she is. 

She thinks she can keep brow beating you into submission. 

Don't let her. And, somehow, you have got to learn something about women and relationships for your future whenever that part starts up again. 

I will lay odds, that there were red flags with this women that you did not see. You need to learn from this and not let it happen again...


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Update:

I wrote my wife a detailed email, explaining my position(s) on the marriage and telling her what I was willing to offer in spousal support etc. She said:

If I paid 100% of the mortgage, electric, internet and so on, provide her with a fuel card, credit card + pay 100% of her remaining bills, she would be willing to clean the house. However, since I don't pay 100% of her bills, I should be responsible for cleaning 1/2 the house. She said that its unreasonable that I should expect her to reciprocate with acts of service because I had the home expenses prior to meeting her and prior to she and her kids moving in. She said that I should stop acting like she and her kids are such a burden and that she is not my slave.

She said that this was not her house because I've refused to per her on the deed unless she also agreed to be put on the mortgage. This is true, years ago she asked that I put her on the deed of the home and I told her that I would if she agreed to also be put on the mortgage. She wanted to be on the deed but refused to be added to the mortgage. She was outraged and stated that, "this wasn't a marriage, it's cohabitation."

I stated that she shuns my parents. She said that I've only went to visit her parents twice in nine years. WE'VE actually visited her parents three times, several days each time and received them several days at a time, many times (they live over 1,000.00 miles away). Further, I email her parents and call her parents. She doesn't visit my parents, call my parents or email my parents; they live 30-miles away. But she does accept the jewelry they give me to give to her (no follow up thank you cards or phone calls though).

She said that my quick decision to get a lawyer makes in obvious that I'm cheating on her and that I'm trying to get rid of her and her kids.

She said that I've taken her and her kids for granted for many, many years (I have no idea what she means by this???).

She would agree to a disillusionment in lieu of a divorce, however, my initial three year spousal support offer was "a drop in the bucket" to what she'll be expecting if I want to avoid divorce court. She stated that if we proceed to divorce court, she'll ensure that her attorney performs a full financial investigation to ensure that I don't have hidden bank accounts and assets and that she'll also be going for a part of my company, a company that I started five years prior to meeting her. She then said that she's contributed TONS of ideas and time towards my company. Once again, in the nine years that we've been married, she's been inside the office twice for, maybe, a total of 10-minutes. She's never contributed a dime towards the company and, as she's a medical professional and I'm in the construction industry, I'm at a loss as to what "idea gems" that she feels she's provided.

She then went on to say that, if I don't up my spousal support and asset division offer, forcing her to seek a divorce in lieu of a disillusionment, she'll also be seeking half the equity in my home.

She closed her email by saying, "It's always about money with you. I hope money keeps you warm at night...after she leaves you." (once again, she's now sure I'm cheating on her [of course, I'm not]).

She's was completely oblivious to what she had just wrote; SHE WAS THE ONE ONLY FOCUSED ON MONEY. It's been like trying to discuss sophisticated topics with a five year old. She has no sense of self reflection or awareness (either that, or she thinks that I'm an idiot).

I went ahead and had the papers filed with the county as a divorce, not a disillusionment. She will be served next week.

With a target move in date Sunday or Monday, I've booked a hotel room and started moving things into it.

My head is spinning.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

My friend, has she always been this way? 

I am afraid you have been played the entire marriage. She has just been using you, the entire time. 

As far as what she is asking for, she is completely insane. 

Get a shark lawyer, and get her out of your life...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> My friend, has she always been this way?
> 
> I am afraid you have been played the entire marriage. She has just been using you, the entire time.
> 
> ...


I agree. She's absolutely insane. I'm positive she's the one hiding money. Please please get the most shark lawyer you can find, spare no cost, and don't back down. Be sure to inform your lawyer about everything you have done to support her, and how you have not seen a dime of her salary, and what that salary is. Stay strong and DON'T LET HER **** YOU OVER!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Sorry to be blunt, but she is delusional at best. At worst, she is F’ing NUTS!!!


Have you talked to you lawyer about moving out of the house?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Good luck and stay strong!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk less and act more. All you're doing is keeping yourself tied up in this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> Talk less and act more. All you're doing is keeping yourself tied up in this.


In total agreement with ^^this^^. 

Quit trying to engage her in any discussion, meaningful or otherwise. You re wasting your time and emotional energy on this woman. If you don't allow her to have a single inroad to your psyche, your head will stop spinning. 

She's going to try everything in her power to screw you big-time. I think you know that. I hope you have a barracuda for an attorney. You're going to need it.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Thank you all for your excellent advice. Please know that it means a great deal to me and I'm taking it to heart. 

Update:

I moved into a hotel two days ago. The evening that I moved into the hotel, I sent her an email stating that I was doing so and why I was doing so. I also told her that if she keeps the breakup classy, I would keep it classy. I also told her that if she's fair, I'll be generous. I asked her if she wanted to be served the divorce papers at the house or at her work. Two days later, she's not responded to my email or my absence. 

Nothing.

My stepson is headed of for college today (freshman year) and not being there for him is very hard. Via a phone call, yesterday I told him that I moved out but I wold always be there for him and so on. He was perplexed, and asked why I moved out as it was my house? I sidestepped the question because I didn't want to tell him it was because I didn't want his Mom to falsely accuse me of abuse/hitting her etc. if the divorce wasn't going her way. Prior to moving out, I told my wife that I would give her money so that she could move out, but of course, she refused (she wouldn't have needed my money to move, but I know that she would claim that she's broke and couldn't move so that's why I offered it to her).

My friends are amazed that she hasn't reached out to me at all since I left. I expected a response to my email, but little more than that. There has been no response whatsoever. I guess I'm a bit surprised at the complete silence as well. I know that she'll feign outrage that I wasn't there to send my step son off for college, however, we wouldn't be "here" if she was there for me when I had a medical emergency. She is either being counseled to not interact with me or, most likely, it's her way of flipping me off; she's an expert at the silent treatment and has no issue dolling it out for weeks at a time. 

In the past, after she did something that anyone would consider outrages, I would express my anger and she would commence to give me the silent treatment for as long as it took to get me to approach her for resolution (she could hold out and "waste" weeks of life and marriage without issue). However, after I grew tired of her game and approached her in utter frustration, she refused to discuss and resolve the initial incident. She only wanted to focus on what she perceived as "my poor behavior over the last few weeks" while she was giving me the silent treatment and would go on to firmly denying that she did what she did to start the whole incident (or twist it into something that it wasn't).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Male39 said:


> Thank you all for your excellent advice. Please know that it means a great deal to me and I'm taking it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> ...




I just realized that I had a gf a few years ago that would do that just as you describe. She would do something hurtful or outright wrong, and then go silent for days or weeks until I would come to her looking for resolution. Then she would deny the hurtful behavior or wrongdoing and focus strictly on what I was doing that was "wrong". It literally made me crazy. I would doubt myself (she was extraordinarily intelligent and convincing) and come away wondering what was wrong with ME!
We never could come to a resolution on any argument other than IT WAS ALWAYS MY FAULT AN I WAS A BAD GUY!!!!

Well, I'm out of the relationship and am with a healthy person, and our relationship gets better every day. It's nice to be off the emotional rollercoaster my ex gf caused and blamed on ME.

I don't think you are going about this the right way by moving out, but at least you're taking action. If you haven't spoken to an attorney about a plan of action, you're crazy. YOu don't sound like you have, and again, that is a HUGE error. This is not a game. Don't play brinkmanship like I worry you're playing with the hotel thing. She's a helluva lot better at it than you. I knew my ex gf had me outmatched, lol. 

See an attorney and get a plan. Or stay and just accept the misery.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Male39 said:


> My stepson is headed of for college today (freshman year) and not being there for him is very hard. Via a phone call, yesterday I told him that I moved out but I wold always be there for him and so on. He was perplexed, and asked why I moved out as it was my house?


I'm also perplexed. If you move out, that looks to a court like it's more her house than yours. Plus, if you think she sold off the jewelry, what do you think she will do now? I hope you don't have any valuables behind that will end up in pawn shops.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Hi Folks and thank you for your responses. I moved out for three reasons:

1. It was very awkward being in a home a spouse that refuses to talk to you when you've done nothing wrong
2. I wanted to show her that I am NOT bluffing and that her behavior will no longer be tolerated
3. I also didn't want her to falsely accuse me of hitting her

Yesterday, during the day I went home to check on the pets. To my surprise, she was home and in a bath robe crying. We talked a short while and she told me that she loves me, but that she isn't IN love with me. She then said that I obviously wasn't IN love with her or I wouldn't have "actually" filed divorce papers and moved out (she skimmed over that she didn't go to the hospital with me, gave me the silent treatment for almost without cause, said she didn't want to work on the marriage, rather she wanted to work on herself and that SHE wanted a divorce. Of course, she then commenced to tell me that everything that I said in the email that I sent the day I moved out was a lie and then began pointing out everything that was wrong with me (again). I stopped her and asked if she was willing to go to marriage counseling. There was no reply.

She then went on to say that she was furious that I implied that she was a gold digger in the email that I sent her. I told her that I implied this because she gave me that (clear) impression by saying the following in the email she sent me:

(copy and paste quotes):


Regarding my spousal support offer (if we avoided divorce court and had disillusionment instead):

"I would only agree to a lump sum, and this is not even close. I know that a financial investigation, assessment of your business, and appraisal of the house would be much more than this, so you need to either reconsider your offer or continue with a divorce." 

Regarding my offering her half the value of my watch (that I bought myself):

"The Rolex was not a gift." (so she she should be entitled to half the value).

Once again, regarding my spousal support offer: 

"There is such a thing as financial discovery. I know how much you spend on clothes, cars, and going out (not much). I’m not an idiot. I know you have several accounts (just one). This goes back to the spousal support statement that you need to reconsider."

Regarding the business I started 5-years prior to meeting her and the business that she's never worked at or even visited for more than 10-minutes in 9-years:

"I contributed TONS of ideas and time to your company. You think if I have to file taxes with you and “owe” money that I will not have a part in your company?" (Note, she never had anything to do with my corporate taxes, we filed joint personal taxes and the business losses or profits roll forward like any investment income or charitable donation. Further, I paid 100% of any and all owed taxes)

Regarding my offering her half the value of my Porsche that she never contributed a dime towards:

"It’s worth more than that with your upgrades, but I am not splitting hairs over that."

Regarding the equity in the house that I provided expense free for almost a decade (she and her two kids moved in and I made 100% of the mortgage payments and 100% of all utility payments and repairs and so on):

"This depends on if we dissolve or divorce. You can’t have it both ways." (In other words, if I don't up my spousal support offer, she wouldn't agree to a disillusionment and if we end up in divorce court, she's going to go for 50% of the equity increase that the home experienced during our marriage).


For the life of her, she can't understand why I would get the impression that she's looking for a cash grab on the way out...and she's deeply offended that I alluded as much.


A few hours later, she texted me and said that she wasn't a quitter and that she would be willing to go to marriage counseling, but even though she is a Christian, she said that she doesn't want it to be a faith based marriage councilor (?). 

If we go to a marriage councilor, she will simply lie (or say that I'm lying). If the marriage councilor is critical of her, she will simply walk out.

I could use some advise on this folks. Should I go to marriage counseling or just proceed with a divorce?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

proceed with divorce. She frankly sounds like a nut job.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Are you crazy with that last question? I mean you really need someone to tell you **** NO!!!

Dude, I know that you have kind of found your balls, but you need to reattach them for Christ's sake. 

She is completely and totally insane. Completely insane, Why did you ever marry her? 

You need to pull the trigger on the divorce now, quick fast and in an hurry.

Get out now, and then get your house back...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Male39 said:


> "I would only agree to a lump sum, and this is not even close. I know that a financial investigation, assessment of your business, and appraisal of the house would be much more than this, so you need to either reconsider your offer or continue with a divorce."


Next time something like this comes up tell her "The financial proctoscope will go both ways. You've made plenty of money since we've been married but contributed nothing to the marriage. If we're going to go that way I'll have a forensic accountant track down every penny you made since we got married and I'll go for half. I don't have anything for them to find, you're the one that's been hiding money."


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Time to remove the bandaid as quickly as possible!!

Tell lawyer you want to move forward as quickly as possible!

Good luck and stay strong!!!
You will get through this


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Proceed with the divorce, unquestionably.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Know last contact was accidental, but why are you conversing with her when you know how bizarre her 'reality' is? I get a headache from reading this mess. Y'all are not on the same page--maybe not even in the same book.

If i were you, I'd contact only through an attorney. She is not going to change. You want to be stuck in this morass? You must change by taking definitive action. What do you want to happen for this to occur? Please........


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Male39 said:


> Hi Folks and thank you for your responses. I moved out for three reasons:
> 
> 1. It was very awkward being in a home a spouse that refuses to talk to you when you've done nothing wrong
> 2. I wanted to show her that I am NOT bluffing and that her behavior will no longer be tolerated
> ...


Sounds like you are waiting want her to "get it". You're the one who doesn't "get it". You picked badly now you have to deal with it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Now I get why your wife never bother to check on you when you are not well or take you to the hospital. You are worth more to her dead than alive.🤣 Sorry, bad joke. 

But if you are divorced, she might get half. Dead she gets 100%. Old girl had her plans and you messed them up. Just saying.

Why are you hanging on and hoping for her to become enlighten? Not gonna happen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like you are waiting want her to "get it". You're the one who doesn't "get it". You picked badly now you have to deal with it.


878 is concise. 

You are making this all complicated because you’re afraid to change your life. Dude, you only get one and you’ve been wasting your chance for some happiness for a long time. Get it done. None of us know how long we have left.

Your wife is far, far to the right on the narc spectrum. Like ultraviolet narcissism.

Get out. It costs what it costs.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Male39 said:


> If we go to a marriage councilor, she will simply lie (or say that I'm lying). If the marriage councilor is critical of her, she will simply walk out.
> 
> I could use some advise on this folks. Should I go to marriage counseling or just proceed with a divorce?


I told you not to engage her, but you did. If I'm not mistaken (and forgive me if I'm wrong), several other folks have told you to start the legal process. So you tipped your hand regarding finances. Not wise to do without consulting an attorney first. Then you moved out of the house. Also not smart.

Now you want to know if you should try marriage counseling, even though she will lie or walk out.

DUDE, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF???? Seriously.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I told you not to engage her, but you did. If I'm not mistaken (and forgive me if I'm wrong), several other folks have told you to start the legal process. So you tipped your hand regarding finances. Not wise to do without consulting an attorney first. Then you moved out of the house. Also not smart.
> 
> Now you want to know if you should try marriage counseling, even though she will lie or walk out.
> 
> DUDE, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF???? Seriously.


∆∆∆∆∆

Um, ya! This.

Sent from my 6045O using Tapatalk


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I told you not to engage her, but you did. If I'm not mistaken (and forgive me if I'm wrong), several other folks have told you to start the legal process. So you tipped your hand regarding finances. Not wise to do without consulting an attorney first. Then you moved out of the house. Also not smart.
> 
> Now you want to know if you should try marriage counseling, even though she will lie or walk out.
> 
> DUDE, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF???? Seriously.


∆∆∆∆∆

Um....... ya! This right here.

Sent from my 6045O using Tapatalk


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Some of the comments here are a little too combative in tone. This isn't a war, and it's not a game of winner take all. 

I'll be in the minority, but I would recommend counseling. Counseling isn't always about getting back together. It's also about the best ways to manage the separation afterwards, especially when you have children. And if your wife quit the counseling because she didn't like what she was hearing, then that's a benefit too. To a judge, and to your children, it looks like you are tried to save the marriage and your wife didn't.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Some of the comments here are a little too combative in tone. This isn't a war, and it's not a game of winner take all.
> 
> I'll be in the minority, but I would recommend counseling. Counseling isn't always about getting back together. It's also about the best ways to manage the separation afterwards, especially when you have children. And if your wife quit the counseling because she didn't like what she was hearing, then that's a benefit too. To a judge, and to your children, it looks like you are tried to save the marriage and your wife didn't.


They don't have children together.

This woman is too far gone into unsafe, manupulative behavior to waste time on counseling. The safe and smart thing is to divorce, at the watch of an attorney, as quickly as possible.

And it IS war. This woman has used him for $$$$$ for years.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Livvie said:


> They don't have children together.


He has stepchildren with her, IIRC.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Theseus said:


> He has stepchildren with her, IIRC.


I was not going to reply to you, but... 

This woman is poison, having an affair as far as he knows, and the kids are not his. 

You honestly believe that someone should put up with this behavior because of some children that are not his? 

Is that what you are saying?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> I was not going to reply to you, but...
> 
> This woman is poison, having an affair as far as he knows, and the kids are not his.
> 
> ...



No, that's not even close to what I'm saying. 

From his postings, it sounds like the OP has a good relationship with his step-children, and I get the impression he would like to continue that. They will all have to deal with their lives post-separation. Counseling is also about that too. 

It couldn't really hurt, at any rate. It costs some money, but it sounds like the OP is financially secure.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Hi Male.
Hope you are doing well.

I was just wondering, has she been served yet?

Good luck, and don’t beat yourself up whenever you have a bad day. Just accept the fact that you will have them. The good news is that they will become less frequent, less intense, and with greater gaps between them.

Hang in there and stay strong.

That light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger and brighter.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Theseus said:


> To a judge, and to your children, it looks like you are tried to save the marriage and your wife didn't.


A judge wouldn't care less about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Theseus said:
> 
> 
> > To a judge, and to your children, it looks like you are tried to save the marriage and your wife didn't.
> ...


This times a thousand.


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## Male39 (Oct 1, 2013)

Update:

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been needing some time to get my thoughts and emotions together. 

-Because my ex stated that she would consider marriage counseling, I asked both my attorney and the server to wait until I gave the go ahead to serve her. The server disregarded this and served her at home after hours. I confronted him about this and he said my attorney told him to proceed. For this reason and an overall lack of communication, I fired this attorney and hired one of the areas best. Regardless, my ex has been served.

-She emailed me terms that she would agree to if we transitioned to a disillusionment. I agreed to each of the requests and emailed the terms to my attorney, CC'ing her. Part of those terms were that she would sign a dower release on a home that I wanted to purchase. I put earnest money down and paid for a home inspection. 

-She hired an attorney to represent her throughout the disillusionment. Out of the 1500 local family law attorneys, the attorney that she hired was...the jack %ss that represented my first ex wife. He is a moron and is doing the same thing with my second ex that he did with my first; promise them a huge payout if they go all the way down the rabbit hole. He got his rear handed to him in my first divorce 15-years ago and I sure that he remembers this...

-Now, she won't agree to the disillusionment, is asking the court for me to pay her legal fees, requested immediate spousal support AND, she won't agree to sign the release of dower so I could loose the earnest money that I put down on the home I want to purchase (and wasted home inspection fees).

-AND a couple of weeks ago, my step daughter texted me to tell me that her Mom was cheating on me with her best friends brother in law. Her daughter also went on a Twitter rant about how hateful and abusive her Mother is/was while she was growing up.

-I confronted my ex about the cheating (never mentioning who the source of the information) and of course, she vehemently denies it...in exactly the way that someone who was guilty of such a thing would lie about it.

All in all, a very nice mess...

In truth, I'm mentally "amazed" that we're divorcing and that my step kids are no longer my step kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

hire a PI to have her watched. she is a piece of work.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

@Male39, my brother... Is there a point where you will understand that this woman does not love you in any way? 

Is there a point where you will understand that you have made another mistake and your picker is completely broken? 

Is there a point that you will realize that you are a fool to love this woman or ever want to go to marriage counseling with her for any reason? 

Is there a point where you may finally realize that she has been cheating on you most of your marriage, more than likely with multiple guys? 

Is there a point that you will finally realize the you made another big mistake with her? 

Is there a point where you may began to understand, that you are a good guy and you do not deserve the way that you have been treated? 

Do you think any of the above is possible???


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Male39 said:


> In truth, I'm mentally "amazed" that we're divorcing and that my step kids are no longer my step kids.


Could you clarify this a bit? Do you mean you're simply in shock or is there more to it than that? So she's been cheating on you. Knowing that, were you willing to proceed with counseling? 

It sounds like now that she's been served, she's going right for your jugular. So, I guess I'm trying to figure out if you still find anything about your wife attractive. I dunno … maybe you do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop wallowing in the mire and living on hopium. You talk too much. It's gotten you what?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's used you for years and her plan was to continue as long as you allow it. You got played big time from the beginning. 

You shouldn't be amazed at anything except that it's taken you this long to consider getting out. Your stepchildren are adults and can decide for themselves if they want a relationship with you (that's if you want one with them). 

She doesn't plan to go easy so you'll need to buckle up.


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