# Wife won't leave her emotional online affair



## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

Hello,
I wasn't able to find an online only emotional affair and 

Quick background:

 My wife and I have been married 3 years and together for 10 years. 
 I recently discovered she's had an online boyfriend for the last four months.
 She says she doesn't want to get divorced but is in love with this online boyfriend.
 She doesn't want to work on the marriage because she feels it's missing something and wants to figure out if she is really in love.
 The OM thinks she is single and living alone and I am only her "ex-bf". He doesn't know she was married.
 Wife has multiple online relationships but only this one is strong. 

I still believe the woman I married exists which is why I am holding on to the marriage. It's like she is two people, the online unfaithful wife and the in person good wife.
I moved out Monday (2 days ago) but realized that this only enables her cheating by allowing her to pretend to be single all day instead of when I'm at work. It also puts me at risk financially.
I'm moving back in tonight.

I want to be a strong man and show her that the marriage can still work if she decides on it. I'm not going to be a doormat though and will set boundaries such I will not move out to enable her cheating. 

Question: am I supposed to take her out on dates and show I am still a good husband or do I cut this off and not be available until she ends the affair?

Another random question: how big of a mistake is it if I contact the online guys involved (main online boyfriend and secondary online boyfriend) and told them the truth. This would end the affairs but I am hesitant because I want her to do it on her own. I also think more online affairs will happen shortly afterwards.

thank you so much, I am very confused to what I should be doing right now.

*EDIT: POST 21 has more information*


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Man, this is so wrong on so many counts........Stand by, the flaming will begin in 5....4.....3....2....1.......


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

dubbk said:


> Hello,
> I wasn't able to find an online only emotional affair and
> 
> Quick background:
> ...


Contact this guy and any other online “boyfriend” she has and tell them she’s married. 
Then look up the 180 and start putting it into practice. 
And stop being so weak. You can’t “nice” your wife back into loving you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Your wife is in an active affair and you want to know if it is okay to take her out on dates? You’ve got this all backwards. Don’t beg and be strong. You are out now, don’t allow her to continue hurting you. Inform you wife on your first date that you will be divorcing her. Then, no more dates (with her).


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect. And you don't command respect, so she can't possibly love you. That's why she is having affairs. She's probably wondering why you are still there. So am I.

You not only don't command respect, but you don't respect yourself. Self-respect means you think too much of yourself and love yourself too much to tolerate your wife cheating on you. You are even accepting that she is in love with him and refuses to give him up. This is intolerable. You shouldn't be allowing her to walk all over you like this. 

She is not two people. She's one dishonorable person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should drop the hopium pipe.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

dubbk said:


> I still believe the woman I married exists which is why I am holding on to the marriage. It's like she is two people, the online unfaithful wife and the in person good wife.
> 
> Nope you're just making excuses to stay
> 
> ...


Stop letting fear guide you. You have a serial cheating wayward. You can't fix her and I doubt she will either.

File for D and find someone worthy. You are wasting time and life on this and you'll never get it back.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

If there are no kids, what possible reason could there be to stay with this woman? This has been going on for a while, and she's got not just one, but multiple on-line guys she's stringing along? 

You can give her a choice, you can go to MC, but this doesn't look like someone who wants much to do with you. She might come crying back if you let her, but the change in her thinking would have to be fundamental and profound and short of major brain surgery, I don't see it happening. 

I think, if you look back a ways, you're going to find clues that this might happen. If you can't, then just ask her for a timeline of when she left you for the on-line world. It doesn't sound like she's going to try and hide it, and if you ask her this BEFORE saying good-bye, you might get a real answer. 

If there are reasons to stay married, spill the beans, now. Because otherwise the TAM vote will be 100% in favor of divorce. 100%. Let's see if you can knock than number down a bit.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For crying out loud.. man? Never mind, I better don't say anything.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@dubbk are you thinking that those online men are not real men? If she actually had sex with one, would you have sex with her 10 minutes later?

Those men are real. She has probably sent them naked pics and received them from them. Everything but in the flesh. There is a poster here who actually left her husband for a man she met on this site.

Take her online behavior as CHEATING and find your "I'm mad as hell and am not going to take this anymore!"

I know you love her and wish things would get back to the way they used to be. But your marriage has taken an unexpected turn, and now you're on a new road. She needs to be the one crying her eyes out, saying how sorry she is, and going to counseling to figure herself out.

Move back in, but don't date her. She needs to move to the couch, and then out of the house if she doesn't stop the behavior.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

From your post, I get the feeling that you think online affairs are not so bad (even though your wife says she loves OM).

This is WRONG. They are just as damaging and don't stay only online for long.

How did you learn all your info? She has told you she wants out of the marriage, but you do not seem to understand her language.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your wife has a boyfriend. Let me post that again. Read it to yourself out loud. Imagine telling someone this like your good friend or colleagues at work. YOUR WIFE HAS A BOY FRIEND. 

The fact that I even have to post that says there something wrong, and it's not just with your wife.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Really? You need IC for yourself, for your codependency of another, It's time for the DIVORCE, don't take this lightly your old lady is mind Fing another. And she told you she doesn't want to divorce your plan B, and that's all. When her man comes to get her she's gone anyhow. She just doesn't want to get tossed out to the street. And look at it this way she loves the other man and has other men as well ( are you getting the picture) she even CHEATING on her online lover she wants all the men and is acting like the skank she really is.

What in everything that is holy, do you want this rotten fleshbag who just happens to spread for you and others. She's just using you from the beginning of your relationship just think back some and you'll find all the red flags waving in your face. I suppose you let her have girls night out, because if you didn't she threatened you. Your so weak in this relationship you don't even see it yourself.

File tomorrow and don't take her back she will just find another way to contact him, she does it to your face and is laughing at you when you fight, l can see you already weeping and promising everything for her and she pushes you away smiling with the laugh. I don't even think she would cry and ask to come back you wasted enough time with it.

It's time to man up and quit being *****whipped, I'm sure it doesn't glow of sunshine and rainbows. Ask your friend, he will tell you the same or already has and you wanting some endorsement of others to tell you it's ok to stay with her. Your post shouts I'm weak and worthless because l like to eat sheit.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> Another random question: how big of a mistake is it if I contact the online guys involved (main online boyfriend and secondary online boyfriend) and told them the truth. This would end the affairs but I am hesitant because I want her to do it on her own. I also think more online affairs will happen shortly afterwards.
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh brother...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dubbk said:


> thank you so much, I am very confused to what I should be doing right now.


For *starters*, what you SHOULD be doing is getting up off the floor and no longer allowing her to wipe her feet on your back. You're a complete welcome mat.

So while you're off at work supporting the family, this ungrateful snake is sitting on her dead ass at home 'falling in love' online. If she's got all the time in the world to act like a moronic teenager in lurve then she sure as hell has time to work outside the house and actually be productive with her time. She's hanging onto YOU because you support her financially while she pursues her boyfriends. Unreal.

Stop pandering to her. You need to find your *pride *and *dignity* and take care of business.

You can start at your lawyer's.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

:wtf:


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@dubbk,

Wake up brother. No kids, married only three years. Kick her ass to the curb. I will be you that she has had more than one online affair.
She says she loves POSOM? Well, tell her you want her to be happy and you are moving out, will file for divorce, and she can have him.
If you want to save your marriage you need to be willing to lose it. Take it from one who has been in your shoes. Read up on the 180 and follow it. Show her you will be just fine without her. Listen to those of us on here who “have been there and done that”. The pick me dance only pushes her away as it makes you appear weak.

You deserve better than this. Also, you may want to consider reading Larry Winget’s “Grow a Pair”. Good read about setting boundaries and taking no ****.

Get yourself into IC as from your post I detect fear, and codependency. No way to live. Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"I want to be a strong man and show her that the marriage can still work if she decides on it"...OP

^Nothing in this world could be more contradictory than that^....
It's the reason she's in love with someone else.
Read this quick blog...
https://therationalmale.com/


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP, why do you want to be married to a woman who isn't interested in you and states clearly she is in love with someone else?

I mean really think about that. WHY?


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

Guys thank you for all the feedback. 

Here is more information that can help.

yes, there were clues for a few months something was going on and I looked at her phone last week to finally get definitive proof.
I am trying to objectively describe things so I can demonstrate my absolute confusion on this online boyfriend. 
I hope it does not come off as bragging or make me seem like a bad person. I am trying to state facts to show why this is so unbelieveable.

me:

Mid thirties
I am in extremely good shape from exercising for my entire life and especially hard the last five years (wife is also in excellent shape)
I am attractive. I have one women come up to me to see if I would take them home from the bar this year and another at a pool come up and whisper "nice body". 
I have a good job as software architect: I decided early in our relationship that she would not need to work because I am able to support us both easily. 

him:

Twenty
He works a minimum wage job and lives with parents per her phone chats.
He is not attractive. His social media has no pictures of him and he uses anime characters as his profile pictures. I saw one picture of him online and he's not attractive. I don't want to describe what I saw because it'll make me seem like a bad person.

I just cannot understand how she fell in love with this guy. It literally doesn't make sense to me. I honestly think her life is so easy without having to strive or work that she became bored. It seems so unlikely and impossible that she can even logistically have a relationship with him which is why I won't give up on it. 

I still love her and even to the time I discovered the affair our relationship was exactly the same. We spend all our weekends with family (out of town) and we are still intimate. Almost nothing has changed. It is like she is two people now: the woman I love and this online person.

From her side, she feels our relationship lost something. She said she sees her future with me still and wants to start dating again when this is over. She needs time to figure out if the love is "real".

I know I am in defense mode and looking extremely weak but I feel it's either this or divorce which I am not prepared for yet.
I also do not want to give her money if we divorce because she has not worked in 7 years. In my state, we only split what was earned in the years married so at least it's not much.
I will be getting a consultation with a lawyer soon to figure out how I can make the money that goes to her as low as possible. I know adultery and other factors can help me.
I am also thinking about how dating will go and I'm sure I will be able to find love again but it'll be only after I'm not broken any more.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

dubbk said:


> Guys thank you for all the feedback.
> 
> Here is more information that can help.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are being weak, sorry buddy. 

And furthermore, when you are weak with any women they loose attraction to/for you. 

You have done ever single thing that you could do wrong, and you are still doing it. 

You have been married 7 years, you are getting off easy. 

I suspect that you don't know much about women, or relationships but you need to learn and learn fast. 

File for divorce, learn about woman and life and start over. 

And look I am not trying to be mean, but you need to wake up like yesterday and move on...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm going to comment on only one aspect of your update. I'm sure others will be along to comment on the rest!!

Men (or women!) who willingly decide they want to be in and stay in a relationship long term with someone who doesn't work and provide to the partnership financially have reduced standing to complain when there is a financial price in the event of a divorce. I understand that she is the one who is presenting the awful reason and behavior for a divorce in this case, so it doesn't seem fair, but no marriage is 100% guaranteed. Perhaps in the future in either this or a different relationship you will want a partner who contributes financially.

I'm guessing an online emotional affair doesn't qualify as the kind of adultery that is going to get you off the hook financially in a divorce.



dubbk said:


> Guys thank you for all the feedback.
> 
> Here is more information that can help.
> 
> ...


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

You are right on all of this.
I made the terrible mistake of "happy wife, happy life" and gave her everything with no responsibilities to her.
There were times I was frustrated at her not working/cooking/or cleaning. I should have told her she needed to do those things to contribute to the marriage.
She realized after a few years she could do whatever she wanted with no repercussions and this led to cheating.



BluesPower said:


> Yes, you are being weak, sorry buddy.
> 
> And furthermore, when you are weak with any women they loose attraction to/for you.
> 
> ...


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

You could right about that. I'll find out when I speak to a lawyer next week. We've only been married 3 years and my state only divides the amount earned (or lost) in those 3 year fortunately.
I'm in a terrible spot now and just want to get out of this with the lowest damage to myself.



Livvie said:


> I'm going to comment on only one aspect of your update. I'm sure others will be along to comment on the rest!!
> 
> Men (or women!) who willingly decide they want to be in and stay in a relationship long term with someone who doesn't work and provide to the partnership financially have reduced standing to complain when there is a financial price in the event of a divorce. I understand that she is the one who is presenting the awful reason and behavior for a divorce in this case, so it doesn't seem fair, but no marriage is 100% guaranteed. Perhaps in the future in either this or a different relationship you will want a partner who contributes financially.
> 
> I'm guessing an online emotional affair doesn't qualify as the kind of adultery that is going to get you off the hook financially in a divorce.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Reading your first post, and update

She doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want 
to work on the marriage. 

Translation- I like the lifestyle you are providing 
me with but not you.

Several online relationships?

How many, have they met ? What about 
other affairs you may not know about ?
She is lying to this one maybe others and 
probably about a lot of things.

Something is missing in the relationship ?

I think you should consider making that you.
Don't move out just file divorce papers.
Talk with your lawyer and document everything.
She is lying to online BF and you. Don't give her 
a chance to lie about the marriage. 

Don't wine and dine her just file. You may have 
shown her that you are in love and willing to 
accept/work on anything.She may think she can 
do what she wants with little or no cost to her.

Just my viewpoint but the cost a lawyer and divorce
sounds worth it.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

dubbk said:


> She realized after a few years she could do whatever she wanted with no repercussions and this led to cheating.


Cheating is all on the cheater. You had no hand in that and bear zero responsibility for her affair(s). She is showing her true character, and it looks pretty ugly doesn't it? Why would you even want to be with a woman like this?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> Guys thank you for all the feedback.
> 
> Here is more information that can help.
> 
> ...


Understand this dubbk, ITS NOT YOU!! It is her and usually they cheat down it's because he isn't offering what you are, he's only offering compliments and sexual fulfilllment to her every whim. She doesn't want security she wants a man who tell her this is the way it is. Her boyfriend is doing this to her he's telling her what to do and she likes it. She truly does. 

She would rather be with a man who is confident with himself than, one who begs and pleas with logic. Love isn't logical it's hormones and the excitement of the chase and the promise of everything you are not. 

You know what you need to do GET MAD, for the love of Pete! That's what you need to do. Yes it is that simple. And then you say she doesn't want to clean, cook, or other things to help your marriage why's this worth saving?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

dubbk said:


> I still believe the woman I married exists which is why I am holding on to the marriage. It's like she is two people, the online unfaithful wife and the in person good wife.


No she is the same person, she just hid/masked this part of her personality until now. You're seeing her for who she really is. The woman you think you married does not exist, and she never will.



dubbk said:


> I moved out Monday (2 days ago) but realized that this only enables her cheating by allowing her to pretend to be single all day instead of when I'm at work. It also puts me at risk financially.
> I'm moving back in tonight.


Moving out was a big mistake. Have you moved back in yet? And sleep in your own damn bed. If she doesn't want to be in the same bed as you then let her sleep on the couch.

Personally I would have filed for divorce like yesterday. You really need to consult an attorney ASAP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha!! She wants to start dating you again once this is over??

That's like saying she wants to take her child to the zoo after dropping him/her in a volcano from 1000 feet.

You could probably find a more faithful, honest and grounded in reality mate in a Thailand cat house.>


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

dubbk said:


> It's like she is two people, the online unfaithful wife and the in person good wife.


I believe this should say "There are two people. The person she really is and the person that I wish she was." You need to learn to accept reality and move on with your life.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

dubbk said:


> Guys thank you for all the feedback.
> 
> Here is more information that can help.
> 
> ...


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

My sons ex wife ( lawyer )cheated with the same type of 
guy. The guy couldn't even pay his own bills. Didn't make sense
to my son either.. My son said nope and cut her lose. Shortly 
after that the guy did to. 

You can't save her from reality of her
her own making.

Take care of yourself, don't forget that.


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Your wife has a boyfriend. Let me post that again. Read it to yourself out loud. Imagine telling someone this like your good friend or colleagues at work. YOUR WIFE HAS A BOY FRIEND.
> 
> The fact that I even have to post that says there something wrong, and it's not just with your wife.


This.

OP, your wife is taking it from another man (actually, other men, plural). If this doesn't make your skin crawl and make you want to puke, I don't know what will.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have no clue why you would want to stay with a woman who would blatantly disrespect you in this way. You are showing her you are weak, and if you stay in this, you can expect more of this from her in the future. Do yourself a favor and file for divorce. Find a woman who actually respects and loves you, and dont ever play doormat for a woman again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha!! She wants to start dating you again once this is over??
> 
> That's like saying she wants to take her child to the zoo after dropping him/her in a volcano from 1000 feet.
> 
> You could probably find a more faithful, honest and grounded in reality mate in a Thailand cat house.>


Lol, I've actually heard other cheaters say that - "I need to explore where this is going, maybe if it doesn't work out we can try dating again." 

Or even "I don't want to get divorced until I know that he's the one - if you loved me, you'd want me to be happy and give me space to explore this other relationship. If it doesn't work out, we can stay being married."

People are delusional. Mostly because everybody around them doesn't hold them to account for their decisions, or try to protect them from their own stupidity.

OP, you know what to do. Full nuclear response. Tell the OM that he can have your PITA wife, she's his problem now. Tell her the same thing, and then tell her your lawyer's phone number - and everything goes through the lawyer from this point on. Then ignore her, and go act single. Tell everyone that your wife is cheating on you with an idiot 20 year old with no job, and you're leaving her. Shock and awe.

Then laugh when she wants to "talk."

There is no recovering from an unrepentant cheater that won't give up the affair. There is only a swift exit strategy.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.

I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.
If she is still friendly and we are intimate, I feel like I can give the time.
I am hoping for the best but will be preparing for the worst next week with an attorney visit. 

Also, the worse case is divorce. Isn't having an amicable ending better so we can agree to financial terms without fighting and getting lawyers? This will save a lot of money.
I know the vast majority of everyone wants me to do scorched earth approach but I just can't seem to be vengeful even if the person who I loved has utterly betrayed me.



Tex X said:


> Moving out was a big mistake. Have you moved back in yet? /QUOTE]


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No sorry the worse case isn't divorce it is your self-esteem. And how little you value yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StarFires said:


> A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect. And you don't command respect, so she can't possibly love you. That's why she is having affairs. She's probably wondering why you are still there. So am I.
> 
> You not only don't command respect, but you don't respect yourself. Self-respect means you think too much of yourself and love yourself too much to tolerate your wife cheating on you. You are even accepting that she is in love with him and refuses to give him up. This is intolerable. You shouldn't be allowing her to walk all over you like this.
> 
> She is not two people. She's one dishonorable person.


She doesn't respect herself, how can she respect him?

@dubbk Divorce her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And it is just as l said, that must be made of sunshine and rainbows. And you accept the scraps instead of demanding the feast.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dubbk said:


> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage,


In a monogamous marriages when your wife has a boyfriend that's a pretty good sign you don't have a marriage, so what exactly are you saving again?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Why are you giving her more time to decide if she loves her boyfriend? I hope it’s not because she’s giving sex? That’s all she has to give you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dubbk said:


> You are right on all of this.
> I made the terrible mistake of "happy wife, happy life" and gave her everything with no responsibilities to her.
> There were times I was frustrated at her not working/cooking/or cleaning. I should have told her she needed to do those things to contribute to the marriage.
> She realized after a few years she could do whatever she wanted with no repercussions and this led to cheating.


You made a terrible mistake by marring THIS women. For lots of women "happy wife, happy life" it's true, though you shouldn't be a slave or a pushover. But the lesson here isn't you needed to act differently. The lesson here is some people you should never marry, ever. Women who openly have boyfriends while married are that kind of person. PERIOD. You bought a lemon. Again it's a total loss, cut them (as in your losses) and move on. There is no hope, it won't get better, she won't change. She is an *******, full stop. Besides even if she did you should still not be marred to her for the way she has treated you. Some people are not meant to be married they just don't have the stuff.

But I got to tell I would also argue you someone who has their spouse openly abuse them by having another partner they date and still continues to want to stay with them, pursues them, allows themselves to continue to get abused. People who have no regard for their own dignity and self-respect also don't have the stuff to be married. Some people should not be married, right now the way you are acting you are just not emotionally strong enough and you fall into that category. 

Go get counseling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> No sorry the worse case isn't divorce it is your self-esteem. And how little you value yourself.


Right..

There is no more worse scenario then not valuing yourself enough to let someone else walk all over you.

Never "love" or really desire to be with someone enough to lose your dignity. I would argue affection without dignity can never be love anyway because love by it's very nature has dignity built into it, if being with someone forces you to lose yours then what you have is not love but some twisted corrupt opposite of love.

There can be no love without dignity and self respect.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.
> 
> Enabling behavior of the "pick me dance"
> ...


The worst case is accepting living in infidelity. I doubt your doormattish behavior will get you much except more of the same.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

dubbk said:


> him:
> 
> Twenty
> He works a minimum wage job and lives with parents per her phone chats.
> ...


Your wife has the mentality of a middle school girl. She had several guys on-line that she was messaging and then settles on him as "the one". She has a crush on somebody that has been grooming her online. Women tend to visualize the person that they love as "handsome" no matter what they really look like. 

He is a nerd. But, she has built him up as something that turns her crank. Like I said, she has a middle school crush on him. You are no longer her mate but her "Father figure". She is in rebellion against you. You make her clean up her room and she resents you "Dad". She doesn't want to do the dishes because she is lazy and wants to play with her friend on the computer. She doesn't want to clean the house but you make her feel bad and ***** at her. He just wants to be her "fun" guy. But she has to placate "Dad" or she will lose her allowance.

But "Dad" just thinks she is being silly and its just a "phase". She will grow up someday and come back and be a "good girl". 

Time for "Dad" to kick her out of the house and give her a dose of reality. What you have been doing is just encouraging her rebellion and disrespect.

*A Check List For you:*

1. * File NOW. *This can be stopped as soon as she gets her head out of her adolescent ass. But you have to act now. If she doesn't change, you are closer to healing.

2. *Cut the Dating off now.* She just goes to the Middle School Dance with "Daddy" to placate you. 

3. *No more sex with her.* When you divorce her, this will be considered "forgiveness" by the court.

4. * Practice the "180" technique religiously.* Here is a link: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

5. *Cut off her allowance.* Stop paying for her affair!!!

6. *Stop that miserable "Pick Me Dance" crap.* Don't beg, don't cry, don't try to reason with an adolescent. You just give them power and make yourself look pathetic. You like to think of yourself as "attractive" but your actions are making you into a very "unattractive" man.

7. *Women are drawn to strength, courage, and confidence. So far, you not have shown much of that. Now be that man!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have moved this thread to CWI.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ya, I’d be cancelling high speed internet and her data plan if you’re the one paying for it. Don’t subsidize her cheating.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.You realize she is stringing you along so that you are still on the hook IN CASE SHE doesn't work out with these EA partners. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
> 
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.Nope if you wanted to save your marriage, you would make sure that she understands that YOU will not put up with this treatment, and there is no more "time" for her to pretend she isn't married.
> ...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@skerzoid is quite wise, learn from him.

Are you and your wife from the same culture? What do your friends and relatives think of her? In the beginning, what attracted you to this woman--in 10 years has she matured any? 

Beware of getting her pregnant, she is not ready to be a parent aside from all the other issues. Why do you think her affairs are only online? It seems to me her neediness could be assuaged better in person. 

My concept of marriage is two folks working together---loving, caring, respecting each other. What is your dream for marriage? She shows disrespect for you and seems to seek the antithesis of a successful man. Yet, you continue to allow her to twist you into a pretzel. 

Does she have any depth, education, compassion, talents? If she is bored, perhaps she might work on broadening her life in meaningful ways. Then, if you remain, there may be more fulfillment for both of you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dubb 

Quite frankly I don’t even know where to start, but these are things you should do not in any order. 
Move back in.
Kick her out of marital bed.
Consult attorney, give her attorney’s business card.
180.
Ask her if it’s ok to have a girlfriend since she has a boyfriend. 
Tell her you will begin dating, won’t be her!
Get the best deal you can from divorce. 
Whatever you pay for divorce is the best money you’ve ever spent. 
Whatever you pay her to be gone is the second best money ever spent.
Don’t tell OM, not until divorce papers are signed.
Tell everyone you know after divorce papers are signed.
Use exposure to gain the best possible deal you can. 
Get the phone records from your provider.
Phone records should be easy to get as I’m assuming the phones are in your name. 
List OM on your divorce papers as reason for divorce. 
Get into IC. NOW!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is friendly and intimate because she is not ready to lose her ATM (you). Or her life style where she does what she wants and you pay for it. She has no respect for you. She has no love for you and you mistakenly think that continuing in this limbo is how you save a marriage. It is not. You have to make her face the consequences of her choices.

If she is in love with OM tell her you want her to be happy and offer her a one way ticket to go to him. But tell her if she leaves she will not be allowed back. 

If she decides to stay she has to shut down all her on-lone shenanigans.

Do you know where this guy lives? Is he local?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Unfortunately your wife has the stink of a serial cheater. She may calm down and play nice for a while, but she will start it up again until she connects with some local guy and takes it to the physical level.

You total support of her through this is crazy.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

It is amazing how far and fast people "fall in love" online. You are probably thinking it is completely bonkers and that it will go away. The problem is that for her it is totally real. She really is in love with this guy. 
There is no way for you to compete with it . None
So what do you do?

Nothing. You move on. 

You could literally waste years trying to prove that she is in fantasy land, is delusional and that her feelings are lying to her. 

She will return again and again to him as the illusion is totally and utterly addictive. There is no reason, there is no why, there is nothing you can do or say that will "shake her out of it"

The only thing you have to keep in mind is that she is doing this because she wants to. That's it.

She wants to

You no longer are her guy. You will always be second now. There is nothing you can do. She has chosen him over you.


It is time for you to leave. She may come back, but I can guarantee that will only at a time when you have suffered though the betrayal and you will no longer want her. 
Don't wait. Don't capitulate. Build your new life. Starting today.

I am sorry.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

dubbk said:


> Also, the worse case is divorce. Isn't having an amicable ending better so we can agree to financial terms without fighting and getting lawyers? This will save a lot of money.
> I know the vast majority of everyone wants me to do scorched earth approach but I just can't seem to be vengeful


Sure, no need to be vengeful. The lowest-conflict you can make the divorce, the more money you save. 

If you are not now, you will at some point be angry. But that doesn't mean you have to shoot yourself in the foot (or the wallet). 



> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.


Answer: that's kind of a meaningless question. She feels what she feels. Nobody knows if that feeling would survive a few weeks of living with the online crush. She might discover he snores. That "real or not real" thing is pointless. To all intents and purposes she knows nothing about him. She's in love with the situation.



> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more *time*.
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her *time*.
> If she is still friendly and we are intimate, I feel like I can give the *time*.


Up to a point. You certainly don't want to look as if you are panicked. What is she *doing* with that time? Doting on the guy and trying to answer meaningless questions? You need to set a time *limit*.



> I am hoping for the best but will be preparing for the worst next week with *an attorney visit*.


Good


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

dubbk said:


> him:
> 
> Twenty
> He works a minimum wage job and lives with parents per her phone chats.
> ...



Maybe she's always really really loved catfish. 

And fantasizing about being a virginity-snatching cougar.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your fwb needs to get a job as she has too much time on her idle hands. Say you do reconcile - will you be confident that she won't be repeating this behavior in the future? Do you want to go to work every day and wonder if she'll be there when you get home at night?

Stop coddling her - she is no prize to be won. Stop having sex with her. Just stop doing anything that enables her to continue her fantasy. Tell her family.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.
> 
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.
> ...





Tex X said:


> Moving out was a big mistake. Have you moved back in yet?


OP: Give her more time?????? My brain hurts. 

Tell her to pack up her **** and get the hell out if she wants to screw around with other men, online or in person. Tell her you won't stand for a woman who is masquerading as your wife. If you don't have the courage and self-respect to divorce her then you will get what you deserve.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Well,if you want to degrade your self,I wont tell you diferent. So,if you realy want to stay in that miserable situation,tell her that she sees and talks with her boyfriends only when you are at work,so you dont see when she is cheating,and tell her that she dont use your money to pay for hotel rooms,let her boyfriends pay for that. And if she continues to be intimate with you,you start to use condoms,becouse of STDs. And you fill be fine. As long as she doesnt meet some boyfriend who is richerr than you,you dont need to worry becouse as long as you finanse her life stile she will be married to you. So,you realy dont have a problem. Good luck man,you are going to need it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.
> 
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.
> ...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She doesn't respect herself, how can she respect him?
> 
> @dubbk Divorce her.


Matt, OP doesn't respect himself.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

She fell out of love with you. I think you are right, she definitely will fall out of love with him, too. But you said she has a secondary online boyfriend, and a few other tertiary ones. It's possible she may fall in love with another one, first. She fell in love with you once, but that ship has sailed, it won't be like the first time, which is what she likes, the infatuation phase, the wanting to please the other phase, the courting phase, the butterflies in the belly phase.

I suggest purchasing her a ticket to go see the online boyfriend. 

If you love someone, let them go. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never were.

If you loved her, you would want her to be happy.

Have you asked her where you fall short? Why does she love him more than you? What particular attributes does he have that you are lacking? Then if you know, you can try to fix yourself to be better for her.

It's obvious to me that she is a very, very special woman for you to want to do all of that for her. You should do everything you can to keep her. What would you say is her best top three attributes, in order?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Matt, OP doesn't respect himself.


Perhaps so.

And to my mind divorce is his best option.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.
> 
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.
> ...


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

dubbk said:


> From her side, she feels our relationship lost something. She said she sees her future with me still and wants to start dating again when this is over. She needs time to figure out if the love is "real".


:slap:

How nice. How does it feel to be plan 'B', and to have to potentially start dating your wife to win her back over even after you've already been married to her for several years? Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? You're doing the pick me dance, and she gets to pursue other love 'worry and risk free' because you'll take her back with open arms on her terms. Dude you really need to get a grip. File for divorce already and end this sham of a marriage. Then get into IC so you can figure out why you're so broken that you'll accept being treated this way.

And BTW - your wife is not going to magically start loving you again. You are and always will be her plan 'B'. You deserve better.


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## JustWavingNotDrowning (Jun 2, 2018)

I would add my weight to "online cheating is still cheating". I got that argument before she realised I had the post phone sex emails, the videos and the Amazon adult shop receipts. So when I found the photos of him in my kitchen I didn't feel anymore disgust just anger that she still wan't being truthful.

I didn't handle confronting her very well and so didn't get the answers I needed. However i did (and still do) get great satisfaction from writing to him to tell him that as he and she were clearly soulmates I would not want to stand in the way of my wife's happiness as that was all I had ever wanted. I went on to explain that quite possibly he wasn't aware that I existed and that I paid for the very large house he visited, and the BMW he travelled in. I thought we ought to talk so I could give him an idea of what it costs to keep my wife, what her spending habit were and the various law suits she was engaged in that I was funding. I also asked him for a time line so I could start making arrangements to move her stuff the 400 miles to his house. It took about three minutes for him to forward a WTF email back to my wife. As I suspected he did't want to talk to me at all and pretty much dumped her. My letter was calm and polite. He was not with her.

There is a lot to be said for exposing, not least to the online APs.

I know a lot of people say don't bother dealing with the AP but the one advantage with most of their interaction being online/long distance is that they don't have any real trust or connection. My letter got him out of the picture and changed their perception of each other irretrievably. It meant that while I was still having to deal with the **** show consequences, he was no longer interfering. That brought her focus back on to me so I could decide if reconciliation was a real possibility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just see a divorce solicitor.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> No sorry the worse case isn't divorce *it is your self-esteem. And how little you value yourself*.


This is key...

If you value yourself so little, how can she value you any different? This is in our opinion is the crux of your problem. You are seen as this nice... plastic man.

The OM, her online beau is seen as more alive and more vibrant.

How odd is that? 
A man made up of screen pixels, and carefully chosen words has more worth than her flesh and blood husband.


With your next love, show some spunk, some cheek and some ire. Let the new love know she is desirable and that she belongs to you.

Forget your present wife. she is savvy now, she is not in to you, she is in to the internet ghost, maybe soon will be under him.


A ghost of a man 'stole' her from you. Think of what an interested man, in the flesh could do.




The HM's-


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

I am not able to reply to all posts here but I want to let everyone know I read through this thread multiple times a day. I read every single post and think about what that person is trying to tell me. I read this thread first thing when I'm brushing my teeth and before I go to sleep. I want to thank you all and say I appreciate that you spent even a few minutes for me and my situation.

My time away from her has been good. When I'm in the house, I focus on her and think about her. When I'm away I'm able to see the negatives and consider things more objectively.

Some have asked why I am even trying to save it. These are not good reasons but they are the truth:
• We've spent a long time together and I do (did) love her.
• I love her entire family and the feeling is mutual.
• Personality wise we are a good fit and are (were) best friends.
• Physically I find her attractive and we are compatible there also.
• The thought of her being intimate with another man disgusts me. I mentioned if I had evidence of anything beyond talking, I would be able to end it easily.

These are reasons that I have come up with why I would be happier without her:
• At this time, I do not think I will ever trust her again. She'd have to work so hard to earn it back that it'll be impossible. 
• I'm imagining us back together and she gets a job. Then I'll be wondering if she's getting the job to save money to fly out secretly.
• I don't love her anymore but I'm still in lust with her.
• I will have much more finances without her huge excessive spending.
• During my time away, I imagined dating someone who actually cares about/loves me and it sounds wonderful.
• I would be out of this living trumoil I am in now.

Questions:
• I want to start the divorce process now, is this a bad idea without going to a lawyer first? Basically showing my hand before it's ready. Maybe I can just say "in case we get divorced, I want to figure out the assets real quick?" I want to do this without negotiation lawyers.
• She has already threatened to move to her mom's house if I move back in and that will make it hard to get the papers and negotiation complete so I think I will stay out until the day we sign the papers, then she can go to her mom's.
• Would it be wrong to move money from the account to a separate one before she can do it? I don't think she will but she's not the person I thought I knew.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

dubbk said:


> • The thought of her being intimate with another man disgusts me. I mentioned if I had evidence of anything beyond talking, I would be able to end it easily.


Ummm - she is engaged in an emotional affair and wants to pursue love with someone other than you. This by itself should make it very easy for you to end it right now.



dubbk said:


> Questions:
> • I want to start the divorce process now, is this a bad idea without going to a lawyer first? Basically showing my hand before it's ready. Maybe I can just say "in case we get divorced, I want to figure out the assets real quick?" I want to do this without negotiation lawyers.
> • She has already threatened to move to her mom's house if I move back in and that will make it hard to get the papers and negotiation complete so I think I will stay out until the day we sign the papers, then she can go to her mom's.
> • Would it be wrong to move money from the account to a separate one before she can do it? I don't think she will but she's not the person I thought I knew.


Until you're ready to file I would not show your hand at all. And you really should consult with a few divorce attorneys just to see where you stand. Depending on the state you can easily represent yourself, but if you guys can agree on an amicable settlement, then the lawyer fees wouldn't be that bad to begin with. I'd be concerned that she has no job and no way to support herself. Have you thought of a way out of that one? Is she planning on getting a job?

Also - who cares if she moves in with her mom? I'd move back in and let her go. She's giving you a power play right now - don't fall for it. Let HER move out.

As far as moving existing marital funds between accounts - that's a real good question for an attorney. Bare minimum you can open an individual account in your name only and have your paychecks direct deposit to the new account. That'll at least stop the bleeding moving forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don't make idle threats or try and use them to manipulate. 

It's just a weak move.

Talk vs action


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

dubbk said:


> * • I want to start the divorce process now, is this a bad idea without going to a lawyer first? Basically showing my hand before it's ready. Maybe I can just say "in case we get divorced, I want to figure out the assets real quick?" I want to do this without negotiation lawyers.*


Lawyer first.

In fact, since you've already convinced her that you are a doormat she can walk on (no offence), I also suggest continuing that act all the way until the end when you slam the divorce papers in her face.

You've been given good advice here already and I'm glad you're beginning to see the reality of the situation and what you must do.

Lastly, don't be played with guilt over what you may have done to save the marriage and what not, remember this through the whole ordeal, even though two people are responsible for a happy marriage, only the cheater is responsible for the affair. It's a golden truth I read once on this forums and I believe it's an important message to remember.

Good luck, and I'm glad you're making the right decision. Make sure you stick to it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Get the divorce done. You're effectively no longer married (married people don't date and explore other options), so why not make the unmarriage official? Staying longer just increases your financial commitment to a woman who's partnering with another man.

When neither of you are married, you can date freely, and even date each other. But never marry her again.

Most importantly, do not let her trick you into getting her pregnant.

Get the divorce done. ASAP.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

I can confirm I am committed to the divorce after a lawyer. You've knocked the cold hard truth through my thick skull but, I'll be honest with you guys I also believe the 1 in 14 million chance of saving anything starts begins divorce. However, I also know, the other 13.9999 million possibilities has divorce as the happiest path.

I have to head home to get more "camping" supplies now and will not engage in discussions about how I want to save it. I'll listen to her, if she even talks, then I'll go. Maybe she'll drop the divorce bomb on me.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> Questions:
> • I want to start the divorce process now, is this a bad idea without going to a lawyer first? Basically showing my hand before it's ready. Maybe I can just say "in case we get divorced, I want to figure out the assets real quick?" I want to do this without negotiation lawyers.
> • She has already threatened to move to her mom's house if I move back in and that will make it hard to get the papers and negotiation complete so I think I will stay out until the day we sign the papers, then she can go to her mom's.
> • Would it be wrong to move money from the account to a separate one before she can do it? I don't think she will but she's not the person I thought I knew.


 My opinion: 

1.Start and file with a lawyer the meanest bastard out there, no not show your hand- she didn't show you her hand. Don't say just in case! Your lawyer will know what assets and how to divide. but if you draw up your assessment (because of your feelings for her) you could be thinking too much and if your too generous to give that excuse of a wife the lawyer will tell you to take that out. Don't be cheap now with the lawyer paying some now will save you alot in the future and he will know your state laws.

2.Get your lawyer involved, he will probably say go back so it will not look like abandonment, let her go where ever it's not YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. Don't worry about the negotiations (she's threatening to leave! that not negotiating with you do you get this!!!) See what the lawyer says! Get a lawyer!! 

3.Hell no!! you should have move half of everything in all accounts savings/checking/ all others she has access too! This should be done before you tell her anything. Cancel all credit cards now the just before you return to the house. ( Once you do this she may have buyers remorse DON'T CAVE!! you may see tears and snot bubbles out of her nose, Don't believe her now she see's you are a man after all, and that she will have to support herself for once.) I would have done this yesterday my man!. The reason for the tears she'll be living with her honey in the basement of his mommies house.

4.Your greatest lie of your life is she never was the person you thought you knew. SHE PROBABLY THE WORSE you may meet, but there are alot of people with this type of character flaw. She doesn't deserve you or your love, you gave her the best world you could do. And she schit on you and it! 

But maybe on a positive, her being in the luve fog, just smile and treat her like you would your Waiter at a restaurant. Kind and nice but not attached. And if nothing else it's better thann she deserves because she doesn't deserve more.

GO TOMORROW TO THE BANKS!! TOMORROW l say !! They close at noon most places.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> I'll be honest with you guys I also believe the 1 in 14 million chance of saving anything starts begins divorce. However, I also know, the other 13.9999 million possibilities has divorce as the happiest path.
> .


Err... No! Have you not learned? From this at all, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE... why do you not understand this, you deserve love from another, but this illusion of the marriage in Your Mind is playing reruns of a time you thought was good. It's not that you didn't derived some happiness from it this sham of a marriage. And it's time to shut the projector off and leave the theater, the concession stand is closed for ever.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@dubbk: quoting you "I'll be honest with you guys I also believe the 1 in 14 million chance of saving anything starts begins divorce. However, I also know, the other 13.9999 million possibilities has divorce as the happiest path."

You see what you wrote there!!! You still don't get it. After the way she has disrespected you, you're still living in hopioum.

Man you don't know what it is to have pride and self respect as an individual and as a man. Any man that considers himself a man would have cut your pathetic excuse of a woman out of his life immediately the moment he was told to be her cuckold, because that's what she told you to be. 

There must be something missing withing yourself for you to be this passive/slow; what is it? Are you slow? Did you have any Male's role in your life as you were growing up? Were you tought about male pride, self respect? Boundaries? Are you a grossly overweight, ugly, short man to consider yourself to be lucky to get any woman, as long as you got one, because you think you'll never get another one?

How can you say you love this woman when you don't love yourself? Because in order to be able to love another person you must be able to love yourself first; otherwise how can you tell what love is? Moreover, what love got to do with anything in your situation? 
I'm not you, but if my woman were to ever just barely insinuate to me that she's thinking/considering a relationship with another man, you bet your "cojones" that she would be out my life in a NY minute; regardless of how much I love her. That's a form of disrespect from which you don't come back. That's pride and self respect. 

By your actions and her actions, I can tell that she lost any respect for you long before any of this, and you proved her right with your weak beta responses to her. She probably doesn't even sees you as a man. That's my take.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

@Rob_1 thank you, I needed that. I am none of those things. Except being a huge beta loser right now. I’ve reached the anger phase now. I can’t believe this situation. I just saw her while getting more supplies and realized I no longer love her. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. I didn’t say I love you when I left; first time in like seven years. I might hate her now. 
@Tilted 1 I want to go home tonight which will lead to her going to her moms 3 hrs away. I won’t be able to drop the divorce papers on her Monday. I’ll wait until Monday. 
@RandomDude Lawyer first is going to happen. Thank you. 

I already started messaging a girl I found attractive but never talked to before due to being married. I know 100% I can find someone better. Someone that can love me AND contribute to the marriage. That helps. You all help more though. Again I appreciate the support and azz kicking you give me. I’ll be around to help the next man in this situation.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

It sometimes takes a little while to get out of denial. Pretty soon you are going to be angry. Then back to denial. 
It is a process that you will become very familiar with as you grieve the marriage you imagined. 

She checked out some time ago she gust forgot to mention it to you. As soon as you start acting towards Divorce she will give up on the pretence of loving and wifely. You will not recognise her as the same person, but sadly, it is the real person you are seeing for the first time. 


Move back into the house. 
She will move out and immediately start acting and behaving as single. This is what she wants. You have not caused it
Move your salary to a new account. Not linked in any way
Take just under half of any savings and put them in another account. Do not spend it.

Check though your bank account for direct debits and cancel them all. You can sort the ones you need to pay in a week or so

Then see a lawyer .


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

@inging that’s a good warning. I’m prepared now. I’m dead to it. I hope denial doesn’t come back. 

You don’t think I should wait to move back in until I have the divorce worked out with a lawyer? I’m not sure how her being 3 hrs away will affect the divorce process.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> @Rob_1 thank you, I needed that. I am none of those things. Except being a huge beta loser right now. I’ve reached the anger phase now. I can’t believe this situation. I just saw her while getting more supplies and realized I no longer love her. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. I didn’t say I love you when I left; first time in like seven years. I might hate her now.
> @Tilted 1 I want to go home tonight which will lead to her going to her moms 3 hrs away. I won’t be able to drop the divorce papers on her Monday. I’ll wait until Monday.
> @RandomDude Lawyer first is going to happen. Thank you.
> 
> I already started messaging a girl I found attractive but never talked to before due to being married. I know 100% I can find someone better. Someone that can love me AND contribute to the marriage. That helps. You all help more though. Again I appreciate the support and azz kicking you give me. I’ll be around to help the next man in this situation.


Good for you go to the banks tomorrow though. Just CYA right!!


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Lust causes a lot of issues for you mentally.

Your wanting to maintain status quo also is huge for you mentally.

These two things are messing with your decision-making.

Your wife is considering you vs. other man. She knows you and have lived with you intimately for many years and made a lifetime commitment. She met this guy months ago, he is a child who lives at home, and she knows nothing about him really.

I have a bit of a dry humor sometimes, but I am not trying to be funny at all.

I think the fact that if you live in the same house as her, she "threatens" to leave - tells you everything you need to know.

Move back in. Let her move out.

First of all, I doubt she will leave the house. To where? Her mom? To tell her mom what? That she is in an online love relationship with a 20-year-old who lives with his parents in his high school bedroom?

Perhaps I should step back a second and ask, does anyone in the family know about your wife's affair? Would your wife mind if anyone knew. Reminds me of a line from the movie Elf with Will Ferrell - "I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it." 




Is your wife hiding the affair? Are you? You mention that you see your wife, have hot sex, then hang out with famiy and friends, then you go live by yourself in another apartment. Does anyone know that you moved out or why? I am guessing know on knows the truth, either they are in the dark completely or you are making some excuses like "incompatibility" rather than "infidelity."

Your wife has told you, in just about so many words, "I'm not sure if I want you, or if I want this 20-year-old who lives in his basement."

Also, you used the word "threaten," as your wife "threatens" she will leave. So she thinks her stink doesn't **** so much so that she can thumb you in your face and she knows you will just take it.

Move back in. Tell your family and hers what is going on.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

dubbk said:


> @inging that’s a good warning. I’m prepared now. I’m dead to it. I hope denial doesn’t come back.
> 
> You don’t think I should wait to move back in until I have the divorce worked out with a lawyer? I’m not sure how her being 3 hrs away will affect the divorce process.


There is no reason that you should not sleep in your own bed. She can sleep on the couch of go stay with her Mom and explain the reason to them. 

Bear in mind that this is her choice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

dubbk said:


> @Rob_1 thank you, I needed that. I am none of those things. Except being a huge beta loser right now. I’ve reached the anger phase now. I can’t believe this situation. I just saw her while getting more supplies and realized I no longer love her. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. I didn’t say I love you when I left; first time in like seven years. I might hate her now.
> @Tilted 1 I want to go home tonight which will lead to her going to her moms 3 hrs away. I won’t be able to drop the divorce papers on her Monday. I’ll wait until Monday.
> @RandomDude Lawyer first is going to happen. Thank you.
> 
> I already started messaging a girl I found attractive but never talked to before due to being married. I know 100% I can find someone better. Someone that can love me AND contribute to the marriage. That helps. You all help more though. Again I appreciate the support and azz kicking you give me. I’ll be around to help the next man in this situation.


I highly recommend avoiding getting involved with other women during this phase, flirting is fine, but you need time to heal and move on.

Remain calm and approach this carefully making sure you have the legal upper hand at all times in accordance to the laws in your country and state.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dubbk said:


> I met with her today and she told me the time apart has given her an opportunity to miss me. She said she's still trying to work on figuring out if the "love" for her online boyfriend is real.
> We ate some food together and had intimacy then I left again to give her more time.
> 
> I thought on her words and realized if I wanted to save our marriage, I could only believe her and give her time.
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Right now, she thinks she has the upper hand because you are dancing to her tune. If you serve her with divorce papers and then move back in, she may realize this is real and go into saving her butt by trying to get you to reconcile. Move back in and encourage her to move out. Don't mention divorce. 

Handling the divorce with her 3 hours away can be difficult; but, how difficult will it be to endure an in-house separation until the divorce is final? You want her out of the house asap so proceed with that goal.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dubbk said:


> @Rob_1 thank you, I needed that. I am none of those things. Except being a huge beta loser right now. I’ve reached the anger phase now. I can’t believe this situation. I just saw her while getting more supplies and realized I no longer love her. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. I didn’t say I love you when I left; first time in like seven years. I might hate her now.
> @Tilted 1 I want to go home tonight which will lead to her going to her moms 3 hrs away. I won’t be able to drop the divorce papers on her Monday. I’ll wait until Monday.
> @RandomDude Lawyer first is going to happen. Thank you.
> 
> *I already started messaging a girl I found attractive but never talked to before due to being married. * I know 100% I can find someone better. Someone that can love me AND contribute to the marriage. That helps. You all help more though. Again I appreciate the support and azz kicking you give me. I’ll be around to help the next man in this situation.


All good, do not go beyond talking to another woman. 

You need to reclaim your dignity in your eyes, and also not trash it (in other's eyes) while divorcing.
Once the divorce papers are filed and you are living apart, then consider this other lady. 

Many here will insist on waiting until the divorce is finalized first, by a judge, before dating.



KB-


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Does the mother live out of state?

If she lives in the same state, then it doesn’t matter. She will be served at mom’s. 

If she lives out of state, talk to the lawyer. They will know what to do.


Great job finally realizing what is going on and deciding on a path to get you of this hell that she put you into!

Be prepared for her to come running 
back to you after realizing you now have a spine and been served. She will beg for forgiveness and another chance.

Good luck and stay strong! You deserve much more than her


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Right now, she thinks she has the upper hand because you are dancing to her tune. If you serve her with divorce papers and then move back in, she may realize this is real and go into saving her butt by trying to get you to reconcile. Move back in and encourage her to move out. Don't mention divorce.
> 
> Handling the divorce with her 3 hours away can be difficult; but, how difficult will it be to endure an in-house separation until the divorce is final? You want her out of the house asap so proceed with that goal.


3 hrs? That's nothing. Won't hurt things a bit.

That's why God invented the telephone, cell phones, secure signature pdf forms, email, even if archaic fax machines are needed.
🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Her being three hours away is an enormous benefit to you. There have been a number of cases where the woman scratches or bruises herself and dials 911. The husband is removed and booked on domestic violence charges. In many states, arrest for domestic violence is not bondable and you may sit in jail for days before a hearing. Most likely, you will be handed a "stay away" order by the courts. These are the cold hard facts of life in this day and age and one of the few situations where is she's injured because you defended yourself against her attacking you, you go to jail. Hang around the house at your own peril. Don't believe it regularly happens? Check around.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

I told her I’ll be home tomorrow for the weekend and she immediately asked if we could eat which I declined. She said she would go to her moms out of state for the weekend which I ignored. She got cheap fast food and after a while said she wanted intimacy before leaving. I did not respond then she said she’s leaving and I did not respond.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

dubbk said:


> I told her I’ll be home tomorrow for the weekend and she immediately asked if we could eat which I declined. She said she would go to her moms out of state for the weekend which I ignored. She got cheap fast food and after a while said she wanted intimacy before leaving. I did not respond then she said she’s leaving and I did not respond.


Well good for you! You are now acting like the man she didn't know existed. And forbidding the sex, and doing the 180. Be prepared for her to come crying and stuff because as another said her mom will try to talk sense to her. But don't forget about her other boyfriend's. Throw this rotten potato out.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Or she is going to see him


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Call her Mom. Tell her what is going on. Tell her to call you when your wife arrives just so you know she got there OK.

How far away is her boyfriend?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

dubbk said:


> @Rob_1 thank you, I needed that. I am none of those things. Except being a huge beta loser right now. I’ve reached the anger phase now. I can’t believe this situation. I just saw her while getting more supplies and realized I no longer love her. She asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. I didn’t say I love you when I left; first time in like seven years. I might hate her now.
> @Tilted 1 I want to go home tonight which will lead to her going to her moms 3 hrs away. I won’t be able to drop the divorce papers on her Monday. I’ll wait until Monday.
> @RandomDude Lawyer first is going to happen. Thank you.
> 
> *I already started messaging a girl I found attractive but never talked to before due to being married.* I know 100% I can find someone better. Someone that can love me AND contribute to the marriage. That helps. You all help more though. Again I appreciate the support and azz kicking you give me. I’ll be around to help the next man in this situation.


You understand the rules though? It remains infidelity until you're divorced. The only person whose integrity you have complete control over is yourself. Do what you need to to speed up the process, but I'd put the brakes on doing something that creates even an illusion of equivalence. This is your moment to have your integrity shine, not her moment to feel good that she dragged you into the mud as well.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

Her boyfriend is far too far away to drive to. She’s coming back Monday because she thinks I’m going to stay with my friend again Monday. I need her back so I can serve the divorce papers. I don’t think she is telling her parents anything yet.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Funny how she wanted, first, her fuzz button bumped around and taken care of. 

Some here call it that last-ditch-witch channeling and controlling.

Some call it hysterical bonding.

I call it all of the above, with her trying to forget her woes, assuaging her guilt for just a moment.
Being lost in lust, just banging hips together for old times sake.

She is giving up a sure thing for an uncertain thing, trying to grab that gold ring that one reaches for while riding in circles. With her soon being that dating, Mary go round. 



The Typist I-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dubbk said:


> Her boyfriend is far too far away to drive to. She’s coming back Monday because she thinks I’m going to stay with my friend again Monday. I need her back so I can serve the divorce papers. I don’t think she is telling her parents anything yet.


You can tell her parents after she gets served, on Monday. 
They already know something is amiss, with their little miss.
Be totally honest with her parents, calmly, lay it all out.




KB-


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

A lot of guys think with the small head.

A lot of women know how to manipulate guys with sex.

Good food and good sex - that's what she wanted before she left? Is that how she manipulates you usually? I mean, she doesn't cook, but she asks you to take her to a nice meal.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

This is insanity. I found her old phone and she’s had multiple online boyfriends spanning at least a year. Like a whole dating life. I’m in shock and numb.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You're only married on paper. She's never been a wife in any real sense. Cut her loose so that you limit your financial entanglements and can get on with your life.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

dubbk said:


> This is insanity. I found her old phone and she’s had multiple online boyfriends spanning at least a year. Like a whole dating life. I’m in shock and numb.


Why? You should be relieved! You no longer have any reason to feel badly about the direction you've taken. Think of the alternative here. If you'd been thinking about reconciliation and made an emotional investment in that direction. you'd be devastated. This is complete vindication of your plans!!! 

I mean seriously, the worse things look, in terms of what she's been up to, the more clarity and peace of mind for you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

And you know what’s so gross? These online affairs get her all riled up with dirty talk and naughty pics etc, then she comes to you for “intimacy”, meanwhile she is only thinking of her online man meat. You are a tool. So stop being one.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

Two years of online boyfriends confirmed. I’m still in shock my friends. I’m numb, not even angry now. 

Within a year of our marriage she started emotional affairs. It lines up exactly to where she stopped posting pictures of us online.

She’s made a resume and ready to get a job. The sad thing is, I saw she was searching for nice big houses near her mom because her and I talked about moving there right before I found out about the affairs. She might be delusional. There is no way I’ll ever trust her again.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

dubbk said:


> Two years of online boyfriends confirmed. I’m still in shock my friends. I’m numb, not even angry now.
> 
> Within a year of our marriage she started emotional affairs. It lines up exactly to where she stopped posting pictures of us online.
> 
> She’s made a resume and ready to get a job. The sad thing is, I saw she was searching for nice big houses near her mom because her and I talked about moving there right before I found out about the affairs. She might be delusional. There is no way I’ll ever trust her again.


We are just glad you found out and are not going to just swallow it all as ok. I pity the next man that marries her. You have much happier times ahead my friend.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Some women just use online dating as a validation tool and never intend to meet. it was her private life, doing no harm, not really cheating, etc etc

You will hear all this over the next few weeks as the reality of her new life sinks in. If you had just discovered this and she apologised and confessed to everything then perhaps you could have reconciled it as immaturity and poor judgement but that is not what happened. 

Her attitude of entitlement, minimisation and her love declarations are the reason you need to move forward with your life. 

Do not go head long into a new relationship. Your picker is broken. Spend some time with people who have different values and priorities. This is an opportunity to change your life too.

she will start being single the moment she is out of the house. dating, seeing other guys so you must remove all social media connections with her . It will just hurt you for no reason.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Did she/does she send them money? A fairly common occurrence when this is the dynamic where the online guys are struggling and she is comfortable, especially if you don't watch the finances closesly. Would send cash in envelopes even.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

@OutofRetirement yes she just sent the guy 20 bucks. She had a separate account for 2 years which all the money disappeared. Not a lot but in the thousands. Where can I learn more about this? Thank you.


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## dubbk (Nov 6, 2019)

@inging noted. She’s being erased immediately once we get this started. Removing her family will be harder. Thank you for the advice.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

dubbk said:


> This is insanity. I found her old phone and she’s had multiple online boyfriends spanning at least a year. Like a whole dating life. I’m in shock and numb.


Save the evidence. Back it up somehow.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

dubbk said:


> Guys thank you for all the feedback.
> 
> Here is more information that can help.
> 
> ...


My fiance said this (in bold above). I said it's over now though. It was. I never looked back. Your wife's calling the shots. Not until you are calling them and willing to leave her, she'll have you on a string. She holds the cards and playing you. You'll have to do what you don't want to do in order to get what you wish to get.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

dubbk, you're coming along nicely. I was worried about you for a while.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Just caught up on reading entire post. Good job. Keep your edge and mean business.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

dubbk said:


> @inging noted. She’s being erased immediately once we get this started. Removing her family will be harder. Thank you for the advice.


You are doing great. 

I cannot give great insight, but I will reflect on my own first marriage. 

Two things that were warped in my own mind, 

Firstly, I felt full responsibility for the marriage. This varies by person and culture, but I was brought up in the UK (where relationships are the male responsibility) and had that tendency myself. To accept that I was doing what I could adn the rest was up to her was a proper allocation and was necessary for a healthy marriage (I was in Denmark, where the relationship advisors are into equal responsbility, that helped!). By stepping away, you have the best chance of saving the marriage, by giving her the chance to step up.

Secondly, it means embracing being the bad guy. At the end of this, she is likely to tell tales about how you were abusive. Otherwise, she was the bad guy. You are going to have to live with that.

It is going to hurt like hell. I wish I had accepted the hell rather than try to fight it. The doors of hell are indeed locked from the inside, but the hell is real and the doors are locked. 

Be brave, mate.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

dubbk said:


> @OutofRetirement yes she just sent the guy 20 bucks. She had a separate account for 2 years which all the money disappeared. Not a lot but in the thousands. Where can I learn more about this? Thank you.


I don't think there's any place you can learn about it. Even if you only have joint accounts, it's pretty much impossible to track it. I've read a lot, so if they withdraw cash and send cash, you'll never know. There's probably hundreds of ways to transfer funds, though the cheater usually aren't evil geniuses.

Cheaters minimize to the betrayed. It's in their benefit to placate you. Also, again, they are not necessarily evil people, they are confused people, they are selfish people, they may also be dysfunctional people, at least in one aspect (i.e., validation, promiscuity, etc.). Kind of what I would refer to as a functioning alcholic, they walk amongst us and most never know. You, with your wife, you have become aware, but probably you don't know except the tip of the iceberg. 

Meaning this: If she is telling you she "can't make up her mind," and she's been wanting you out of the house, and she's been spending him money, then she actually has made up her mind. She has chosen him. You are not even close. Despite what she tells you. These cheaters are like a virus, like a flu, they all basically do the same stuff, but there are little variations. Some would never want to touch you sexually with a ten-foot pole. Your wife has no trouble with it.

So the money thing tells you that important information - she has chosen him over you very clearly. At the same time, your wife is confused individual. No one acts like she acts who is not in mental chaos. But the money is a key indicator of where her mind is focused.

Going forward, just ignore anything she says. It's meaningless. Only pay attention to her actions.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

As @Wolfman1968 referenced above, save all evidence!!! Give this to your lawyer, you can use this evidence as a bargaining chip later. Thinking you can resolve this divorce being amicable isn’t an option, you aren’t dealing with a rational person. Spend the money on the lawyers, it’s headed that way anyway, but the more evidence you find the better your bargaining position. Remember, exposure is decided by you, and only exposed when you decide, use it wisely.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People have commented throughout this thread on your weakness vs. strength in your reaction.

For me, the literally remarkable thing is your willingness to humor and enable her dysfunction.

She is, in my reading, someone who is toxically and pathologically absorbed in a very small world of entitlement. You encourage her in this by agreeing to a cushy life that is completely out of the norm for modern life.

She is not grounded in reality. No matter how weak or strong you are in her eyes, you should be clear-eyed about her own pathology. She needs help and it can't come from you. In fact, the only help you can really give her is to tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs therapy, that you are no longer enabling, and she is on her own.

I hope you go through with the divorce. She's disturbed, in my opinion, and will not be a safe partner for you.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Agreed, wife is loony tunes. 

Wife's plan: Continue to lie to 20-yo OM that she is single. Continue to romance the 20-yo OM until she can see if her love for him is real. If her love for OM is real, she will leave you and go be with him. If not real, you can date her again and see if she can get her tingles for you back. Meanwhile no one knows the truth about your wife and you. Not even OM. Wife cannot tell anyone, because even though she is loony tunes, she knows she is loony tunes. She knows if she tells anyone the truth, they will immediately be very concerned about her and maybe ask her to go see a psychiatrist.

I think you should agree that she is not going to figure out if her love is real unless she meets him and has in-person loving. You say she sent him $20 bucks (not even enough to gas up the car), but you wonder where the couple thousand she had went. Don't you think he could have traveled to see her on her dime? Maybe she sent him bigger $$ to help him repair his auto and then an extra $20 to top off the tank. Then again, maybe he came once to see her and it didn't work out. No matter, really.

Agreed also that you are part of this pathology. Your wife is completely bonkers. You mention this guy strarted happening four months ago. You also mentioned that she has multiple online relationships, but this is the only one she is in love with. But we are talking about a wife of three years, together with you 11 years, who completely fractured from reality. In love with a 20yo she never met who she lies about being single. I have teenagers and if they exhibited behaviors like your wife, and it just started happening four months ago, I'd force them to see help mentally. If my wife was acting like yours, I'd be posting on a psychological forum, not infidelity.

I must assume that you have enabled your wife over the years, starting with the decision to let her quit her job because you could afford it. Not really unusual if one spouse decides to be the at-home parent, but unusual for one spouse just to stop working and stay home and ... what? ... relax? ... watch TV? ... surf the web? That part is unusual. It's kind of depressing, really, it's not bad to take a day or two every so often and veg out at home, but every day? I think it would drive most people crazy. You mention your wife does not cook or clean, either, and no kids, so ... ? She's in good shape, so she works out, attractive. Doesn't have close friends or family to share her craziness, or else they'd have told you and wanted some kind of intervention.

So I think you take this the right way, but you have to come back to reality yoursef. Go tell your wife that you can't live in her fantasy land any more. This is your life, too, and you have to live an honest life. That means telling your family, friends about your significant burdens to help you out and support you. To tell the OM the truth that she is married. It's not fair for this poor schlub either. I have nephews and nieces who are a little older than the OM, and if a married person was playing this scam over them, I'd be very angry and consider it as a romance scam. The 20yo is a kid who lives with his parents still. He's not a 42yo loser, he's a 20yo trying to find his way, probably is not all that attractive, has not had a lot of romances if any, has not had any true successes in life yet, and somewhere your wife found him or he found her, but she is the one taking advantage of him, not the other way around. You should contact him, and personally, I'd let his parents know, too.

Then I'd tell your wife's mother, show a little glimpse of your evidence, just enough for her to know that you aren't making this up. Because if you came to my teenager and told me that, all I've seen is that my child has been "normal," and what I'd need some evidence to see that my child has gone off the rails the way your wife has.

I think gradually you normalized your wife's behaviors, kind of like when a frog will not see the harm as the water goes from cold to warm to boiling. I don't know if you are in boiling water yet, but I think you have to wake up to the craziiness this whole story looks like from the outside.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If she used joint funds to send to her APs then YOU can get that deducted from any sort of D settlement -- if she grabbed the funds and put them in her OWN account, you should be able to find those (credit check, or get a forensic accountant -- lawyer can help).


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The people questioning her sanity are spot-on. Every sane spouse knows that fidelity is a requirement of marriage. She's lost touch with reality. 

But do not let this shake your resolve to do what you need to do. You can always help her find psychiatric help after the divorce. But it's probably best to offload her to her family after you explain the situation to them.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Let the lawyer guide you on the best way to have her served. It usually cost nothing for a first consultation with a lawyer to get the basics of what they will do and how much that will cost. Consult with several lawyers then pick the one you like.

If you have only been married 3 years and have no kids, you will most likely have to pay spousal support to her for a short time (maybe 12-18 months). That is standard for a wife who does not have a job. You will have to split marital assets 50/50 no matter who made the money. The lawyer can explain how all this works in your State. If you can prove she has spent thousands supporting her affairs or has been sending money to other men without your knowledge, then that will be taken into consideration.

Stop worrying about how you will get her served. The lawyer will figure that out. I have heard that some States require a duly registered process server, some will allow a law enforcement official (Sheriff), some will even allow you to do it if you have a witness present (very few). Some States require a 12 month cooling off period where you do not live together before filing with the courts.

So a lawyer is required to guide you.

You can and should;
1. Set up a bank account in your name only and have your pay deposited in that.
2 Open another account and have a little less than half the assets of any checking and savings accounts transferred to that.
3.Get new ATM cards and checks for yourself associated with the new payroll account. 
4. Remove her as beneficiary from any life insurance policies.
5. Check and see if she has any credit cards in her name only. My son got stuck with thousands of dollars in debt his cheating wife had run up supporting her affair trips. He did not even know about the cards, but when she stopped paying on them the companies came after him for payment. I told him to fight it but the lawyer said that since they were married when the debt was incurred he might end paying at least half of it. He did not want to ruin his credit so he paid up.
6. Stay in your home no matter what. If she leaves it is abandonment.
7. Get a VAR and keep it on you when she is around. Many wives, when they see their ATM walking away, will try a false domestic violence charge brought. If successful, you might be banned from the house for months and still have to pay the bills while she get to do anything she wants. Please don't say "my wife would not do that". Most betrayed husband who got caught in that type of mess never thought their wife would stoop to that.
8. If you have any investments, be sure to remove her name.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Experience tells me one thing: Give your soon to be ex a year, and she will be on your doorstep, used up and broke. I have, unfortunately, counselled two women whose lives were destroyed by online emotional affairs. One woman, emptied her retirement funds. In excess of six figures. She was so frightened that her children would discover this, and institutionalize her. I arranged for the funds to be replaced, to an extent through a reverse mortgage. I had my client sign a release that this was completely of her own volition and circumstances necessitated this. (Doing this, because I will be talking to her heirs in the event of her demise. A sworn statement from my office is affixed to her will, in the event that I cannot explain matters. I had another one about a decade or so ago. She got involved in an online affair. Emptied a goodly number of joint accounts. When she was discovered, she panicked, and fled. Once she was brought back home, she was relegated to her parents' home. He then sued her to recover half the funds. Her parents ended up selling their home to cover her debts to her husband. She has disappeared from view, her husband is dating a lovely woman (who happens to be independent and well fixed). He is learning to trust all over again. She admitted that she was trying to feather a nest in order to leave for new excitement. Now, she wishes her fingers never touched the keyboard.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> My son got stuck with thousands of dollars in debt his cheating wife had run up supporting her affair trips. He did not even know about the cards, but when she stopped paying on them the companies came after him for payment. I told him to fight it but the lawyer said that since they were married when the debt was incurred he might end paying at least half of it. He did not want to ruin his credit so he paid up.



Water under the bridge but is your son in a community property state?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> Water under the bridge but is your son in a community property state?


Yeah, this was over 15 years ago and he was in the Military stationed in New Mexico. He caught her in bed with OM in his house. He literally threw the OM bodily out the front door naked. During this his wife had called 911.

My son was sitting on the front steps when the police arrived. His wife was ranting and raving that he had attacked her and OM. After hearing the story, the police told her she should leave. While she was inside packing and cussing that she wanted my son charged with assault with one officer, the other stayed outside with my son. The officer confirmed again that my son had actually caught them in the act in his house and then asked my son why he did not just shoot them. He said that was accepted practice in New Mexico. I was stunned as was my son. The divorce took 3 months.

He did not find out about the credit cards until after the divorce and the card company came after him for payment.

They had only been married for about 2 years and he found out latter that she had been cheating with a variety of other men the entire time.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Dubbk, just checking in on you. What’s the latest?

Hang in and stay strong.
You’ve got this!!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> They had only been married for about 2 years and he found out latter that she had been cheating with a variety of other men the entire time.


Knew a guy that happened to. She screwed a guy the day after she returned from their "honeymoon". Chicks like this are expert at using 911 to have their you carted off. Many states now prevent bail in alleged domestic violence cases and you sit in jail until a court hearing which can be days away.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

@dubbk,

How are you?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The other man is not really a factor, nor are you to her either, this is all about her. She is seems to have a sense of entitlement. Look at this case, she had only won her prize (you) when she was off to the next objective, younger man. It doesn't matter that he can't support her, since she has no long term goal with him, as she is so special she deserves a boy-toy. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to fix the problem. However, you can't do it by yourself, believe me I tried, it doesn't work. Neither does comparing yourself to him, playing the pick me dance like a poodle puppy, looks weak to women. It does no good to reconcile as odds are very good she would do it again in the future. Actually it looks like you are going to get out cheap and move on with life. It will still take time to get completely over her, no matter how bad of a partner she was to you. I would recommend taking inventory of this relationship and where things went wrong, so you don't repeat them in the future.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Dubbk, any year end updates?


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