# Hard time coping with my partner's ONS



## OlgaRV (May 1, 2017)

This is the first time I am posting here, however I have been visiting this forum for some time now.

I am not going to share my entire story for now. At the moment it's enough to say that my SO of nearly ten years was unfaithful. He had a ONS about a month ago and confessed to me the next day after the fact because he could not handle the guilt. He has always been very loving and supportive partner. He has always been the kind of man you'd have a hard time believing would ever cheat. 

Despite having a really difficult time coping with the infidelity I am trying to forgive. Only because, as I said before, he has been a real good partner and father to our four year old son and does indeed seem to fit into the category of someone who genuinely made an awful choice and immediately regretted it. As I mentioned he confessed it and I do see some value in that because had he not been honest about it, I don't believe I would ever had find out on my own.

However there are some things that have been extremely hard for me to cope with. Manly that I feel really hurt he gave some other woman something I've always thought of as very special. Something I considered myself special for being the only one he gave that to. 

I know that men will always said that, specially in a ONS, it was only sex and that it did not mean anything. Yes I sort of get that, however it does not make it any less painful from the woman's point of view. For her sex with the man she love IS something special and meaningful, and to think some other woman had it makes her feel as if he took something that once had a special meaning and made it empty. It feels as if, with his actions, he was saying "Oh you thought I have sex with you because you are special, well not really. Look at the other woman, she is nobody to me and still I gave her the same thing I give you." It ruins the sense of intimacy you once had together and it is one of the hardest things for me to accept and get over.

The other thing is while both men and women are extremely hurt by their SO's infidelity, I feel and I might be wrong here, that men may have it slightly easier than women. Let me explain: one of the things that seem to bother men is the thought that the other man was better than he was. But I feel men at least stand a chance that it may not be true and even in the event that it may be true, he can at least try and improve and become a better lover, much better than the other man was.

For women I feel it's a lost battle because most men who cheat report that part of what made it an exciting experience was that it contained three elements he cannot have with his wife any longer: novelty, variety and the sense of doing something forbidden. 

Like I said it feels like a lost battle for the wife because she has deal with the fact that the other woman was able to give her husband something she can never give. And it makes me feel like being intimate after infidelity doesn't feel important any more. I mean what's the point of having sex with my partner if I know that deep down he is more than like not only comparing what it's like to have sex with me to what was like to have sex with the other woman, but I feel he's also feeling disappointed at the fact that intimacy with me can never be as good as it was with her because there's no novelty, variety or sense of forbidden. I feel that although he loves you and wants to repair the damage, at least in the sex department, he is merely resigning himself to the fact that sex with you will always be boring compared to what the kind of excitement he now knows is out there.

Sometimes I wonder if I am reading too much into it specially since it was only a ONS and not long term affair. Are these two things I talked about just me thinking the worse case scenario or am I on the right track about this. I would appreciate anyone's opinion, but I am very interested to hear about it from male wayward spouses who might be willing to share their thoughts about how it felt going back to restoring intimacy with the spouses they were unfaithful to. 

Thanks for the attention guys.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well man here. First off everything you are feeling as far as the sex being special and having a hard time with this is totally normal and totally to be expected. I would absolutely feel the same way and did though I never had sex with her again so I didn't struggle with it. I felt like there was nothing special about anything anymore and all we had was lies. 

In your case who was this women? What lead up to it, no emotional affair right?

You are absolutely wrong about the difference between the man and women thing though. Competing with the novelty thing is the same for both sexes. Many men have to deal with the dreaded size issue too, so there is that. Some men's wives do things with their affair partners they don't do with their husbands even though their husbands have asked for it. Seriously go read on here, the men feel exactly the same way. I really don't think it is any differences between men or women. The one thing I have noticed is some men don't care as much about emotional affairs as they do sexual. Some women care more about emotional affairs then sexual. But I don't think that is the norm. For most affairs are just affairs, they suck. 

But enough about that, you have a right to feel the way you do. It's normal. All of us who have been cheated on felt the same way. In some ways you got the best you can ask for, he was remorseful and there was no emotional component to it. He confessed and assuming he is tell the truth it only happened one time. But that is like saying well you didn't die but you are paralyzed from the neck down. Doesn't feel very lucky.

You are going to have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I hate to be gloomy but one thing I can tell you is it has changed your marriage forever. There is no going back to the old marriage. Don't strive for that because it will only lead to frustration and misery. Some things in life never go away you just learn to live with them. That takes time. 

Also make sure you know the truth, and this is the only time. Also what is he doing to make sure this never happens again. Being sorry is not enough. He needs better boundaries at the very least. Also you may decide with time this is a deal breaker for you, that is your right. 

One other thing some men like the emotional bonding of their wife much better then the newness of sex. Sometimes the newness is awkward. But again that is how you look at sex, we are not all the same.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

OlgaRV said:


> Sometimes I wonder if I am reading too much into it specially since it was only a ONS and not long term affair.


Not necessarily true. We have seen many just like you who have wrongly assumed it was a ONS and no extensive cheating had taken place. You would be wise to not believe this until you can prove otherwise. 

You are mistaken believing the infidelity is less difficult for men. It's difficult to generalize because both genders have wide reactions to the issue. I'm a man, by the way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Not necessarily true. We have seen many just like you who have wrongly assumed it was a ONS and no extensive cheating had taken place. You would be wise to not believe this until you can prove otherwise.
> 
> You are mistaken believing the infidelity is less difficult for men. It's difficult to generalize because both genders have wide reactions to the issue. I'm a man, by the way.


Agreed cheaters lie. They lie a lot and they are good at it. If you don't have kids with this man, be extra careful now not to until you are over this at least as best as you can be. Also make sure you know who you are dealing with. There are so many stories when the truth finally comes out it is way worse.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How many BH (betrayed husbands) threads have you read? Any stand out? 

I agree and understand with how you feel, but question your thoughts on how most men think and feel.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@OlgaRV - firstly, I am very sorry that you find yourself here. It is an incredibly painful thing to have to confront the fact that someone that we love and trust could choose to hurt us in this way.

I am female and a BS. And I'm afraid that you are unlikely to find a WS (male or otherwise) brave enough to post on this forum. At least I haven't seen many that have in the months that I have been here. Most of the posters here are either BS's like yourself, or have a close experience of infidelity another way. Which means that we're already angry on your behalf. 

Before the thread gets sidetracked with a debate on male vs. female experiences of infidelity, can I ask whether what you are actually contrasting is your experience of your husband's infidelity vs his perspective on things? Are you simply extrapolating his desire to see this as less emotionally damaging (than you see it), to all men? Because I think that it would actually be fairer to extrapolate that perspective to all WS's. A WS trying to minimise the infidelity is pretty much typical - "The sex didn't mean anything", "I never intended it to happen", "This doesn't change the way I feel about you" ... I could go on. 

You say that you have been visiting this forum for a while now, even though your husband's infidelity was only a month ago. May I ask why? Have you had any suspicions in the past about him, or uncertainty in your marriage? 

Finally - no, I don't think that you are reading too much into this - there is nothing "just" about a ONS. Although a ONS may technically be very short term, I'm assuming that he had full sex. In which cases, even if he took precautions, they can fail. Which means that there is possibility of an STD or even pregnancy. Perhaps the actual risk of either of these is low, but your husband chose to act in a way that opened up your relationship to both possibilities. And we haven't even considered the emotional damage and pain that he has clearly caused you. I don't always agree with @sokillme, but in this case I completely agree that your marriage has been changed forever. The reality is that you had a set of principles that governed your marriage that you thought your husband agreed with. And in words, he may still say he does. My husband has described this as the difference between knowing something and knowing that you know it. Your doubts about being intimate with your husband and feeling that something precious has been lost forever are all very real and very understandable. 

There is a tendency to want to make all this pain go away. To pretend it never happened, so that you can go back to having your normal life again. The route to that position is what we call rugsweeping. And in my experience it pretty much guarantees that you will be back here again. Your husband is really nice guy. He is a good dad and probably (aside from this), a caring and loving husband. Unfortunately that doesn't change what he did. Believe me that many have been exactly where you are now. And the best way clear of this is by asking hard questions of yourself and him. And expecting him to do the same. How has your husband explained his "lapse"? Why did it happen? Why should you believe him that it won't happen again? What positive steps has/is he taking to develop the side of himself that is lacking that allowed him to act this way?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Guilty or not, he went through a lot of motions in order to bed another person. There is a lot of time and effort involved to be able to get to the point where you are naked with the other person, pumping away and finally finishing the job. Then there is the time after where you are still post-sex, possibly glow stage, maybe making out a bit or possibly doing it all over again. My point is that guilt has nothing to do with it. Maybe he feels bad after cause he possibly ruined his life? Where was that beforehand? And now that it's done and there is a chance for reconciliation, well, it's easier to do it again. Maybe before he would think of other women when he was with you. Now he has a woman he can think about that he actually did something with.

You are staring down a long and miserable road of agony and self-loathing at the mere possibility of getting over it. And that never changes the fact that your man doesn't have integrity. It just makes it so you are ok with it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What has he done, specifically, to show he is remorseful and dedicated to healing the marriage since he told you?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry for your pain.

Hope he is remorseful. good that he confessed, not good that he has poor boundaries.


however, Men feel the pain and women feel the pain.


Some of the pain you describe is the pain that men also feel.


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## OlgaRV (May 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> In your case Who was this women? What lead up to it, no emotional affair right?
> 
> What happened is that he traveled back home to visit his parents and on the day before he came home he went out with a group of people, including his older sister and her husband, to celebrate her finding out she was pregnant after a long time to trying to have a baby. Although he does not usually drink, I'm guessing because he was with close friends and family in a partying moon, he drank a little too much. But he has agreed that the alcohol cannot be entirely blamed for what happened. He ended up sleeping with this woman who's was invited to celebrate with them because she works with his brother-in-law. His sister has told me herself that this woman is a bit a s**t.
> 
> ...


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## OlgaRV (May 1, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> @OlgaRV - firstly, I am very sorry that you find yourself here. It is an incredibly painful thing to have to confront the fact that someone that we love and trust could choose to hurt us in this way.
> 
> Thank you very much.
> 
> ...


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## OlgaRV (May 1, 2017)

Satya said:


> What has he done, specifically, to show he is remorseful and dedicated to healing the marriage since he told you?


Well it has only been a month since it happened but he has been very close and willing to listen to what I have to say without trying to excuse his behavior and without trying to minimize the damage it as caused to our marriage. He has agreed to us going to marriage counseling and has been honest to those close to us, manly his family and close friends, about what he did. He promised to, in addition to already not drinking much, not doing it when alone with a woman he does not know, such his sisters or me. He has been really depressed too, as have I. Ever since he came back home he has not eaten much and has had trouble sleeping. When he confessed to me what happened he felt so sick he ended up actually throwing up. He also has been crying pretty much all day and so I am of course. He does indeed seem very much remorseful.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

> What happened is that he traveled back home to visit his parents and on the day before he came home he went *out with a group of people, including his older sister and her husband*, to celebrate her finding out she was pregnant after a long time to trying to have a baby. Although he does not usually drink, I'm guessing because he was with close friends and family in a partying moon, he drank a little too much. But he has agreed that the alcohol cannot be entirely blamed for what happened.* He ended up sleeping with this woman who's was invited to celebrate with them *because she works with his brother-in-law. His sister has told me herself that this woman is a bit a s**t.


This would bother me just as much as the infidelity. The fact that he picked up a woman while out with his own family. That takes brass balls and makes me wonder about his family members because they had to know (at least) that your H and the woman were flirting with each other and, they did nothing to shut it down.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Brutal. I am very sorry. Yours is one of the only kind that I think merits a try to recover from. Mostly because he confessed right away. This is the mythical ONS, alcohol involved, confessed right away, trifecta. The thing is where did they do it? That takes some premeditation. It's not like they just did it at the party right? Again not dead but paralyzed from the neck down analogy. Gee thanks. 

Anyway If it was me I would still divorce and make him try to win me back. I say really end the marriage, keep your promise you made to yourself don't stay married to a cheater. Make him earn you back. Then you won't be trying to recover the old marriage but stuck in a new one. You will be in a new one. You also would not feel like you are settling, it gives you back complete agency in your life. I am convinced part of the pain of recovery is the loss of ones agency in ones own life. Divorcing and starting over gives it back. He also pays a heavy visible price which is good and right. I personally always believe once sex happens outside of marriage the contract is broken anyway. But that's just me.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Promises that we make to ourselves, at least around boundaries, tend to be incredibly black/white. Real life is much less so. I would say that almost all BS's who ultimately choose to reconcile had previously thought that infidelity would be their covenant-breaker. But you are accountable to no-one except yourself, right now, for the decisions that you make going forward.

For me, being able to talk to someone professional helped. Have you considered going to therapy yourself? A forum like this one has it's place, but the very disparate views that you'll get can be very confusing. You need to work through something that is extremely painful and disorienting for you. And ideally that should be in a stable and coherent environment. A professional therapist has no vested interest ... which is usually very helpful. 

You are right that a month is a very short time to process any infidelity. I know that it feels like it has been longer; and the intense emotional environment that is between you is probably very exhausting for you both. But healing from infidelity is more often counted in months and years, rather than weeks. 

Confronting that your husband is not who you thought he was, is very hard. But watching someone you love work to rebuild trust in both of you after confronting their own weakness goes a long way in addressing the fall-out from that. Have you thought about what else your husband could be doing, aside from showing remorse as he has done, holding himself to safe boundaries wrt to his future behaviour and agreeing to go to MC, to rebuild your trust? 

I'm going to share something that may or may not be helpful. Your husband's emotional and physical state says that he is also in pain. Acknowledging that we have betrayed our own moral selves and what we believe to be right is a painful thing for any of us to do. This is possibly making him seem fairly inwardly focused right now. For me, having my husband focus on my pain and not his, was very helpful in making me feel prioritised and valued by him again. It wasn't necessarily about just having him listen as I poured out my hurt and sadness over and over again. Although in honesty, I did do that. It was about him sometimes just sitting with me and holding me. I get that you are not comfortable having sex right now and that is definitely not what I am suggesting. But having him put his arms around you while you cry or even just sit and be sad can be a very powerful and supportive acknowledgement of the pain he has caused you. For both of you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, @OlgaRV.

I am sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

I would suggest couple's counselling and individual counselling for the both of you.

You can get through this.

And if any well meaning friend or your husband suggests a revenge affair, politely turn them down.

Because a revenge affair can hurt you more than your spouse's original affair. 

How do I know this? By bitter personal experience of my own stupid drunken revenge affair.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Brutal. I am very sorry. Yours is one of the only kind that I think merits a try to recover from. Mostly because he confessed right away. This is the mythical ONS, alcohol involved, confessed right away, trifecta. The thing is where did they do it? That takes some premeditation. It's not like they just did it at the party right? Again not dead but paralyzed from the neck down analogy. Gee thanks.
> 
> Anyway If it was me I would still divorce and make him try to win me back. I say really end the marriage, keep your promise you made to yourself don't stay married to a cheater. Make him earn you back. Then you won't be trying to recover the old marriage but stuck in a new one. You will be in a new one. You also would not feel like you are settling, it gives you back complete agency in your life. I am convinced part of the pain of recovery is the loss of ones agency in ones own life. Divorcing and starting over gives it back. He also pays a heavy visible price which is good and right. I personally always believe once sex happens outside of marriage the contract is broken anyway. *But that's just me*.



It is also me. I have a one strike you're out policy on infidelity whether EA or PA, and I have my reasons.
@OlgaRV, are you sure he confessed on his own, and wasn't pressured by a family member who found out what happened? It's possible someone figured out what went on and threatened to tell you. Why else would he tell his family first?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

manwithnoname said:


> @OlgaRV, are you sure he confessed on his own, and wasn't pressured by a family member who found out what happened? It's possible someone figured out what went on and threatened to tell you. Why else would he tell his family first?


This!!

Perhaps it is too soon to put the wraps on the affair information gathering. And the labeling of that woman he supposedly had a ONS with as a **** kind of minimizes your guy's behavior.

I mean, as a guy, am I supposed to get a pass if I were to cheat because I encountered an "easy" woman?

That completely bypasses my own personal responsibility to behave admirably regardless of the situation.

Both men and women should behave at their best when away from their life partner. Distance traveled, booze, and opportunity should not matter.

It very well could be that consumed by guilt your guy confessed to you so quickly. However, there are other possibilities. 

If I were you, I would not be so quick to move on. And more importantly, despite his assurances of condom usage, I would get myself tested for STDs. Some, such as my personal situation has shown me with HPV, condoms do not prevent exposure.

I wish you well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> It is also me. I have a one strike you're out policy on infidelity whether EA or PA, and I have my reasons.
> 
> @OlgaRV, are you sure he confessed on his own, and wasn't pressured by a family member who found out what happened? It's possible someone figured out what went on and threatened to tell you. Why else would he tell his family first?


I told a close friend what I had done.

Then I confessed to my wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you SO much. It may have only been once, but as you say that intimacy has gone and that is something so very important and private.Also the trust is shattered as well and that takes a long time to rebuild. I would really struggle with having sex again ever with a man who had cheated. 

Have you discussed his failed boundaries with the opposite sex? How this can be prevented from happening again? 
Have you though about some good marriage counseling so that you can talk about your worries and fears and struggles?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Where did they have sex together? Did he go off with her after the celebrations?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> This would bother me just as much as the infidelity. The fact that he picked up a woman while out with his own family. That takes brass balls and makes me wonder about his family members because they had to know (at least) that your H and the woman were flirting with each other and, they did nothing to shut it down.


Ah...you have unearthed the lemon.

A lemon, even placed in the soil gives off a scent.

Maybe...just maybe, he right away confessed because his family found about it. They told him to "tell her" or WE will [tell].

Or, he knew that they knew and got ahead of the storm.

Or, he knew it would be just a matter of time when this lemon would be unearthed by the visiting gossiping masked Raccoon.

This is not helpful in getting you past the pain. It just adds spin to a horrible happening.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For starters, I'd highly recommend constructive marriage counseling!

As remorseful, contrite and as confessing as he now is, I really feel that he would readily go with you to try to find some kind of relief from all of the pain from the experience!

Additionally, you need to know who she is, and you two need to share all personal multimedia passwords with each other, provided that you aren't already doing just that!

Best of luck to the two of you!*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OlgaRV said:


> This is the first time I am posting here, however I have been visiting this forum for some time now.
> 
> I am not going to share my entire story for now. At the moment it's enough to say that my SO of nearly ten years was unfaithful. He had a ONS about a month ago and confessed to me the next day after the fact because he could not handle the guilt. He has always been very loving and supportive partner. He has always been the kind of man you'd have a hard time believing would ever cheat.


I know this isn't going to be much solace, but I'm going to say it anyway. And I'm going to say it because I've been reading infidelity situations for 15 years now, and I've seen the horrible ones and I've seen the not-so-horrible ones. And, fortunately, yours is one of the not-so-horrible ones. He told you immediately. You never suspected it before. He feels guilty. He's always been an excellent partner.

Which means one thing: he succumbed to a sexual situation - and IMO it can be pretty hard sometimes for a man to say no when someone is pushing themselves on you, even if you're madly in love with your partner; remember that men are MUCH more sexual creatures than women and it does often replace their real brain. By the time they're 13, it's all they think of, and as they age, it becomes (getting it) a VERY important part of their lives. Many women simply don't realize that, especially if they don't grow up around a bunch of boys. 

Anyway, you're talking making a decision in a matter of seconds, when your body is driving you crazy and all you can think of is getting that taken care of. 

Now I am in NO way saying it's ok for him to have done it; I'm saying I've seen quite a few people succumb to it and then immediately regret it. And vow to never ever let it happen again. I think that's the situation with your husband.

Which is why I'm saying that, if you can come to understand this, I will urge you to try to work it out with him. He seems like a pretty good catch, all things being equal, in this crazy world. And he told you immediately and is remorseful. In the world of infidelity, you can't ask for much better.

Good luck.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

OlgaRV
What your husband did is the Godzilla of all relationship killers!...Your husband chose to feed his sexual excitement emotions over you and his child; that is a huge blow to his self-respect and to your respect and admiration of him to name just a few.

I am in no way going to rug sweep what he did but your husband’s betrayal is one of the least terrible that I have read on TAM. In addition, what you have said about him makes him a very good man that chose to be a kokroach for one night…Everyman that I know, if not on guard at all times, will be very tempted to have sex with other women if given the opportunity… That is a very cheap excuse but it is generally true. It sounds like your husband had only a sexual pleasurable experience for a few minutes but now is paying a huge emotions price that will last years. I know you do not want to hear that it was just a sexual experience but I can tell you that a sexual experience plus an emotional attachment is far worse.

*Olga, from what you have written your husband is worth suffering for and rebuilding*…He has taken actions immediately that indicate that he is remorseful. In addition, he is a wonderful father and until this incident was a wonderful husband…Some women think that they can get another man that will be as good of a father that your husband is but in my 40+ years of observation they find out that no man is going to love her child like the real and good father. *If you are going to R then get ALL the help that you can and that includes family, friends, professional help and your faith*.

My wife did much more than your husband for almost one year and we have more than 20 Years of R that has been mostly good. The advantage of having a great relationship with my children and grandchildren is a major plus for me that was helped by our R… In my case there is some permanent damage but like life you lose in some areas and can make up by getting a lot better in other areas.

*Bottom line: are you better off with him or without him?*


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