# 20year old college student - help



## mikey69696 (Oct 30, 2012)

My oldest daughter is 20 years old, in her 2nd year of college. We are paying 99% of her school (private). She had a rough 1st year but this year she is a solid student. The problem is is that she doesn't have much "drive". She "goes with the flow" and everytime she comes home on break, she hates to go back to school. She wants to transfer to the local state college. I think there is a "boy" involved - she's been seeing this guy on-off.

The school she goes to is 2 hours away in a pretty remote area (25 miles away from any city). This is her argument - not anything to do. However she has talked about being an RA next year and being in the same apartment complex as 3 of her friends. 

Then when she comes home she then switches to "I want to stay home" - She wants to transfer, get an apartment with a friend and live happily ever after.

Am I wrong to force her to stay at her college 2 hours away? Mom and I both think it's the best place for her - just far enough away to not get into trouble here (boys and old high school girls).... or ????


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Are you surprised that your daughter has no 'drive'? She has nothing of herself invested in her education. If you have funded everything for her, what does she care? If she were paying for her tuition and all costs she would be highly motivated and focused. It would be her seeking a solid return on [her] investment kicking her to excell; as it is she is just going along for the ride. 

Maybe the question is...does she really WANT or see the NEED for her getting a college education? What does she want out of life, aside from the testacle with legs she hangs out with?


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## mikey69696 (Oct 30, 2012)

Yes we have spoiled our kids - and we now regret it.

I guess I need make her stick to the plan and stick it out. I guess 'forcing' her to stay is not all 'bad'.

It's the "I'm so lonely and there's nothing to do at school" and "all my friends are here at home" complaints that just don't understand.... even when she has 3 friends she has made and seem to be very nice.

Oh well, I guess I need to flex the $$$ muscle and say stay the course - since there doesn't seem to be any major "issue" at this school other than being far away from 'city life' - literally 25 miles from any city/town....


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I, personally, agree with ankh! I think you and your W are WASTING YOUR MONEY!


Your daughter is NOT invested in this school
She does not seem to be the least bit interested in this school.
YOU seem to be sending her there in lieu of a convenient CONVENT (keep her away from boys and old high school girlfriends)!
Your daughter has been AN ADULT FOR OVER TWO (2) YEARS!
*What is this REALLY about? *If you're so anxious to keep her away from boys and old high school gf's, then either

she had a teen pregnancy you're not anxious to repeat
she got into drugs or something else of which you did not approve
she was in a sexual relationship of which you did not approve
Keeping her at a school 25 miles from town will NOT protect her from:

being gay
doing drugs
getting pregnant (boys DO have cars)
whatever it is you fear she'll DO AGAIN
 Time to let her GROW UP and MAKE HER OWN MISTAKES; they're the ONLY ones she'll really learn from.

If you send her to the local state college, what is the WORST that will happen to her? 

She won't have a degree from a prestigious private school?
She'll get more involved with this boy she's already involved with?
They'll live together?
They'll get engaged?
She'll get involved in illegal activity?
Whatever *IT* is, you can't 'save' her from it any more! She's an adult now. Let her go to the local college and live her own life in a way that is meaninful to HER. You keeping her there AGAINST HER WILL is you telling her (without words) 'Your mother & I don't trust you to run your own life and make decent choices for yourself. We'll take care of you because you're not competent yet.' WHEN WILL she be 'competent' to run her own life? When she comes home with a fiance of which you & wife approve?

I don't mean this as an attack, I just feel like the little bit you've given us is hiding a MUCH LARGER STORY about WHY you don't trust a TWENTY YEAR OLD to make her life choices!


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## mikey69696 (Oct 30, 2012)

The thing that gets us so angry is that just 3 weeks ago she was calling us daily making sure that we paid the spring tuition. She wanted to make sure it was there on time and she was making plans with her new friends at school - planning on being RAs and all.

Then this week she is all about not wanting to go back - it's too far away, this boy thing, no place to find a part time job at school -- all kinds of excuses.

Of course she found that the local college will accept her into their program - but all paperwork (and tuition) needs to be in by January 5th.

Of course we already paid for spring tuition at her current school.

So if we make her make her own choices, which choice do we listen to??????


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ankh said:


> Are you surprised that your daughter has no 'drive'? She has nothing of herself invested in her education. If you have funded everything for her, what does she care? If she were paying for her tuition and all costs she would be highly motivated and focused. It would be her seeking a solid return on [her] investment kicking her to excell; as it is she is just going along for the ride.
> 
> Maybe the question is...does she really WANT or see the NEED for her getting a college education? What does she want out of life, aside from the testacle with legs she hangs out with?


I don't think people necessarily take school for granted when it's paid for. I had mine paid for and took it seriously (3.61 GPA). Also, I knew lots of folks who understood the link between success in school and the real world, and approached it accordingly. OTOH, I did see folks who took a long time to finish and could not get as much out of it as they wanted due to balancing work and school. Of course, YMMV.

Let me offer an alternative viewpoint. Your daughter is not enthusiastic because she is being pushed into a situation she does not like. You're exerting financial pressure for her to be at a school she would not choose on her own. And, because it's private (read: expensive) you are sensitive to her performance.

Why do you feel that private school is best for her? Why is the local state school inadequate (disclaimer: I live in CA, where the public schools are among the best in the nation)? Maybe she is unhappy because she wants to be closer to her family?


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## mikey69696 (Oct 30, 2012)

With financial aid, this private school is the same price as the local state college without financial aid (the state school will not give us any financial aid).

We are making her take some student loans, so she is vested - at least a bit. 

She does miss family but our family is small - mom, dad(me), sister(doesn't get along with), then aunt and 2 kids which she does visit and my mom (which she does not visit with).

She wants to live with us until she saves up enough money to get an apartment. She doesn't have a job and how can she get an apartment when she has $0 to her name? I feel she needs to finish this year of school and this summer get a job and save $$$ for an apartment and switch schools if this is what she wants....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mikey69696 said:


> With financial aid, this private school is the same price as the local state college without financial aid (the state school will not give us any financial aid).
> 
> We are making her take some student loans, so she is vested - at least a bit.
> 
> ...


Understood.

But, tell me again, why is the private school better for her?


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## mikey69696 (Oct 30, 2012)

DTO said:


> Understood.
> 
> But, tell me again, why is the private school better for her?


Well, she chose this school. 

It is associated with a very very good hospital (she is in the medical program).

She wants to be a hospital administrator some day. 

She can be swayed pretty easily. I feel with her in an apartment and having to work, she will eventually quit school. Thus my 'not driven' comment. I understand school isn't the be all to life but geez...


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Having some experience (20 years) in the medical field as a physician, and knowing those in hospital administration (abbreviated HA hereafter), I question whether your daughter's motives are 'pure'. By that, I would sit her down, away from all distractions and allot a few hours and discuss why she wants to pursue becoming an HA. Does she know someone in this particular line of work? Does she like the healthcare scene, but doesn't want to become a doctor herself? I know the requirements for being an HA are rigorous. Does she realize what will be required (Masters Degree, plus other extended ongoing training, willingness to work for a salary which equals a lot of very long hours, etc.) 

Certainly, under Obamacare in our Obamanation, HA's will be busy folks and likely well paid, but they will be overworked. 

If she can "be swayed pretty easily', right now, who's to say that next quarter or semester etc., she won't find something else she wants to do instead? As one having walked a similar path, I would advise her to sit down and compose a realistic business plan (she is after all wanting to be in the very tough business of HA) and show to you that she has thorough understanding of where she wants to go.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If she BEGGED for the Spring tuition to be paid, then SHE MADE HER CHOICE. She does the Spring semester at private college.

Tell her she needs to quit whining, quit changing her mind, quit being so wishy-washy. She has until MAY 1st to MAKE UP HER MIND ABOUT FALL SEMESTER. And make her stick to it. She chooses one school or the other. If she makes NO CHOICE, she gets NO TUITION.

If she drops out of college and works, it might be the BEST LESSON ever! When she gets tired of cr*ppy, minimum-wage jobs and finds out that she cannot AFFORD a great apartment with her friend and the 'happily ever after' (especially because you and wife should NOT bail her out financially) she may just be MOTIVATED to finish her degree and get a REAL JOB!


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