# How did we get here?



## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

I guess you could say that my husband & I have never had a "normal" marriage. We just reached the 10 yr mark, and in that time my husband has never washed a dish, vacumed a floor, mowed a lawn or even payed one penny toward our major household bills (we both have good jobs although ive always been the bread-winner). I have done it all myself despite constant questioning from my friends & family about how i could possibly put up with that. I've brought it up to him many times over the years, to which he would make half-hearted attempts to help out here & there but it never really lasted. Sometimes my resentment would build to the point that i didnt want to be intimate with him for 2-3 months at a time. But then i would get over it and things would return to normal (well, normal for us anyway). What kept me going was that despite my husband's inherant laziness, he was always very sweet and romantic, and we were the very best of friends. We enjoyed spending a lot of time together and he's always been extremely loving and affectionate, telling me how much he loved me several times a day...

And he even told me how much he loved me right up until the night he stayed out very late a few wks ago, without calling, which isn't normal for us. I reacted badly and the next day he told me he didn't love me anymore and was moving out. He's been out of the house for a week now, and he still insists he doesn't love me anymore, and that there's no possibility for reconciliation. His behavior is so different towrd me, and I'm absolutely shattered, grief-striken and shocked. He doesn't want anything from me or the house, and even seems to have lost interest in our 3 dogs who've always been like our "kids". He insists there is nobody else but I'm not sure if I believe him or not. We were always together so I don't know how he'd find the time for an affair...

And now I just feel paralyzed with sadness. Our house is so empty and quiet and I miss him so much that it hurts to breathe. I've done so much for this man over the past 10 yrs, I feel like he at least owes me an explanation of how he could come to such a quick and permanent decision overnight. We've never really fought much, and nothing about the argument that night seemed divorce-worthy in my opinion. But his sudden change of attitude toward me and our marriage is mind blowing. I'd do anything to fix this but I'm not being given that opportunity, and I'm finding it hard to make it thru the day w/out falling apart. I don't know how to move on from this, mostly because I don't understand it. Nothing seemed to indicate this was coming, so how did we get here?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hate to ask, but is he having an affair? Did you get the " I love you but I'm not IN love with you speech?"


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

So very sorry to read your story. Hang in there. There is a lot more you husband is not telling you..similar thing happened with my wife.


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

So sorry about what's happened to you especially since it came out of nowhere. I knew I would be getting a divorce for yrs. before I finally decided to do it and this hurts bad enough. I can't imagine one day your husband says he loves you and everything is normal and then the next day he says he doesn't love you anymore, that is really harsh. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I am newly separated and I am really hurting and confused right now myself. This article helped me feel a little better, maybe it will help you out too. Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on After a Relationship Ends 
I would be happy to talk to you anytime, feel free to write me if you want someone to talk to.


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you so much for the support. The most difficult thing for me to deal with is the shock. Everyone I know keeps saying I need to accept this and move on, but I can't seem to accept it because I just don't understand it. Right now it feels like all the joy has been sucked out of my life, and I'll never be happy again. If one more person tells me "you're strong and you're going to be fine" I'm going to combust. I may have been strong before but now its a daily struggle not to jump off a cliff.


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes, I got that speech. I've asked & asked about an affair to the point of annoyance to us both. He insists no, and I would think at this point if he were having one it would be easier to just admit it so i would stop asking. I know I'm probably driving him further away with all my questions, but without some kind of explanation I don't feel like I can ever begin to heal. At this point it doesn't look like I'm going to get one tho, and I just don't know how to get out of this sad, depressing fog that I'm in.


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

I understand what you're sayin'. I guess people don't really know what to say so they just go w/ something easy like that. I too feel like I will never be happy again and I am also worried about being alone for the rest of my life. Everything I see or hear makes me think about my husband and it really hurts. I just want to sleep all day and listen to sad music and cry. I know I'll eventually feel better but right now it sucks!


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

thank you for the article moon73. I've been on such a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions that I was beginning to think I was just nuts! Good to know that's normal. Its only been a few weeks for me, and maybe I'm just expecting too much of myself too soon...I don't want to waste 1 second of my life feeling this way, yet I seem to be paralyzed. Part of me doesn't WANT to move on, because I don't want to move on without him. So many conlicted feelings! I'm sure you must be feeling them too...please tell me about your situation.


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> So very sorry to read your story. Hang in there. There is a lot more you husband is not telling you..similar thing happened with my wife.


Did she leave suddenly and without explanation? How did you cope?


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

moon73 said:


> I understand what you're sayin'. I guess people don't really know what to say so they just go w/ something easy like that. I too feel like I will never be happy again and I am also worried about being alone for the rest of my life. Everything I see or hear makes me think about my husband and it really hurts. I just want to sleep all day and listen to sad music and cry. I know I'll eventually feel better but right now it sucks!


I hear you! The other day I burst into tears at Home Depot for Pete's sake, over something stupid that reminded me of him. I go out w/my friends and all I really want to do is go home. When I'm home I'm surrounded by the "ghost" of him and all I can do is just cry...can't win!


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

I've been married to my husband for 20 yrs. now and the whole time he has been addicted to drugs. I have given him chance after chance but he can't stop. He lies to me everyday, he leaves before I wake up and doesn't come home until late at night, he spends all of our money, and when he is coming down off the drugs he gets verbally abusive. He won't go to rehab because he says they don't work but anytime that he has gone he has only stayed for a week or less, so of course it didn't work. I am still madly in love with him and I wanted to grow old with him but I just can't take it anymore. I read once that the Cherokee used to say "you walk in my soul" instead of I love you and I think that it is a beautiful way to say it plus it is true because the past few days I feel like a part of my soul is missing. I thought he felt the same way but if he can't quit doing drugs to save our marriage then I guess I was wrong and that hurts really bad too. My only hope is that sometime soon he will wake up and finally get it and get the help he needs but I doubt it. I know I need to move on with my life also but like you, I'm just not quite ready yet. I think we deserve to have a little bit of time where we can feel sorry for ourselves and be sad, we just need to be careful and make sure not to stay that way because they aren't worth it.


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

moon73 said:


> I've been married to my husband for 20 yrs. now and the whole time he has been addicted to drugs. I have given him chance after chance but he can't stop. He lies to me everyday, he leaves before I wake up and doesn't come home until late at night, he spends all of our money, and when he is coming down off the drugs he gets verbally abusive. He won't go to rehab because he says they don't work but anytime that he has gone he has only stayed for a week or less, so of course it didn't work. I am still madly in love with him and I wanted to grow old with him but I just can't take it anymore. I read once that the Cherokee used to say "you walk in my soul" instead of I love you and I think that it is a beautiful way to say it plus it is true because the past few days I feel like a part of my soul is missing. I thought he felt the same way but if he can't quit doing drugs to save our marriage then I guess I was wrong and that hurts really bad too. My only hope is that sometime soon he will wake up and finally get it and get the help he needs but I doubt it. I know I need to move on with my life also but like you, I'm just not quite ready yet. I think we deserve to have a little bit of time where we can feel sorry for ourselves and be sad, we just need to be careful and make sure not to stay that way because they aren't worth it.


Wow, 20 yrs is such a long time to deal with something so painful. You should be sainted! Crazy isn't it, that we can still feel such love for these people who have hurt us so much? Not to generalize, but it seems like so many men have this uncanny ability to shut off their emotions. I constantly wonder how he can show so much love toward me one minute, then just drop everything & move out the nxt. How can he not miss his family and his home? I wish more than anything that I could just turn my feelings off the way he seems to have. 

I have a sibling who has struggled w/drug abuse for many yrs, and I know how painful and scary and frustrating it is to be part of. As her family, we know that good person is still in there, so we put up w/a lot of awful stuff in hopes that one day she'll resurface. When I think of all the terrible things she's said & done to her family over the yrs while she's been high, it amazes me that we can still find love for her too. Time & again she's chosen the drugs over her loved ones, and sometimes I wonder what it'll take for us all to finally say "we're nt allowing you to do this to us anymore".

After my husband moved out, I found a bag of Salvia with a pipe in our basement that had clearly been used. When I confronted him about it he laughed it off saying I was making a big deal out of nothing. But when he returned days later to get some if his things when I wasn't home, I noticed he took it w/him. Makes me wonder how much this stuff is causing his sudden personality change, or what the substances he might be using as well.


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

Holls123 said:


> Wow, 20 yrs is such a long time to deal with something so painful. You should be sainted! Crazy isn't it, that we can still feel such love for these people who have hurt us so much? Not to generalize, but it seems like so many men have this uncanny ability to shut off their emotions. I constantly wonder how he can show so much love toward me one minute, then just drop everything & move out the nxt. How can he not miss his family and his home? I wish more than anything that I could just turn my feelings off the way he seems to have.
> 
> I have a sibling who has struggled w/drug abuse for many yrs, and I know how painful and scary and frustrating it is to be part of. As her family, we know that good person is still in there, so we put up w/a lot of awful stuff in hopes that one day she'll resurface. When I think of all the terrible things she's said & done to her family over the yrs while she's been high, it amazes me that we can still find love for her too. Time & again she's chosen the drugs over her loved ones, and sometimes I wonder what it'll take for us all to finally say "we're nt allowing you to do this to us anymore".
> 
> After my husband moved out, I found a bag of Salvia with a pipe in our basement that had clearly been used. When I confronted him about it he laughed it off saying I was making a big deal out of nothing. But when he returned days later to get some if his things when I wasn't home, I noticed he took it w/him. Makes me wonder how much this stuff is causing his sudden personality change, or what the substances he might be using as well.


I love the Cherokee saying "you walk in my soul". What a beautiful way to express how much a part of you someone can be. I know just how you feel about a part of your soul missing. Everything just seems wrong without him beside me. I realize that I shouldn't allow myself to be defined by my partner, but when you love someone as much as we do, its sort of inevitable isn't t...


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your sister and everything you said about her and your family reminds of exactly everything we go through and how we feel. I was just saying to my sister earlier today that I don't understand how I can still be in love with him and miss him so much when he has put me through hell for all these yrs. 
I think you might be right about your husband's change of heart being because of the Salvia and pipe you found. I kept wondering what would make a person be in love one day and then the next day wake up and say I don't love you anymore and drugs could explain it, maybe not, but it might. Drugs have ruined so many people's lives, it is just so sad.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

wow, the walk away husband..don't beg and plead it may push him farther away, I would be very suspicious that he may be having an affair of some kind..It is not normal to act that way so suddenly..makes me wonder if he's making plans with another woman..I know this hurts but I would not let him cake eat. You need to tell him if he is serious then you will get a lawyer and make sure you get your fair share and the house. I hope he comes to his senses and comes back but it may take tough love to get him to. I would treat him just like you would someone addicted to drugs..he is n.ot seeing the reality of what he's doing.
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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I cheated on my husband, had an emotional affair for 4 months without him knowing, told him I wanted a divorce.. then confessed the affair after we decided to seperate.. when I was having this affair I was like in a fantasy land, not thin.king clearly at all..I felt addicted to this other man just like as if I was on drugs..I needed a reality check and I got it. I realised later that I do love my husband, he took me back and we have been working very hard on reconcilling for the past 6 months. I hurt him deeply but we are doing our best to make our marriage better now. I am so mad at myself for risking my marriage the way I did. When one has an affair they do crazy things like you just described. I would ping pong back and forth on wanting to be with my husband or to leave him and date this other man...we've been through hell but thank GOD for bringing my marriage back together.
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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I cheated on my husband, had an emotional affair for 4 months without him knowing, told him I wanted a divorce.. then confessed the affair after we decided to seperate.. when I was having this affair I was like in a fantasy land, not thin.king clearly at all..I felt addicted to this other man just like as if I was on drugs..I needed a reality check and I got it. I realised later that I do love my husband, he took me back and we have been working very hard on reconcilling for the past 6 months. I hurt him deeply but we are doing our best to make our marriage better now. I am so mad at myself for risking my marriage the way I did. When one has an affair they do crazy things like you just described. I would ping pong back and forth on wanting to be with my husband or to leave him and date this other man...we've been through hell but thank GOD for bringing my marriage back together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so lucky to be given the opportunity to make it right! I wish more than anything that I could have that opportunity as well. My husband doesn't really want to see or talk with me at all, its like he's shut me out completely. I agree that the only logical explanation is an affair, which of course he denies. Problem is that without knowing anything it's nearly impossible to accept and move on. It's like I'm just plain stuck here in this miserable limbo.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Remember its also pointless asking him if hes having an affiar.

You can ask him a zillion times, hes never going to admit it if he is.

Sit and observe, do something nice for you for once.

Take Care


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

donkler said:


> Remember its also pointless asking him if hes having an affiar.
> 
> You can ask him a zillion times, hes never going to admit it if he is.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

Holls123 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you're probably right. in fact that seems to apply to any of the questions ive asked him. so I'm trying my best to turn a corner. I haven't reached out to him and don't plan to. id also like to take back my home. tonight I will box up the remainder of his things and leave them in the garage for him to pick up whenever. I will also change the locks so if he wants to come in he'll hv to do it on my terms. could be all this will drive him further away, but I feel like I've behaved like pathetic victim in this situation and that is NOT me! I never wanted this to get ugly and that's not my intention, but I need to feel like I have some kind of control over my own life. if he really wants to end this then it only seems fair to me that he get all of his things out of the house so I don't hv to look at them every day, and can start to heal. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holls123 (Aug 5, 2012)

I don't know how people who get divorced stay in their marital home. We've always had such an active happy household. Now its just silent and lonely. I hate being here. Every corner has a memory in it that I can't escape. I'm told I shouldn't make any big decisions about the house for at least a yr. But I feel so trapped by grief and memories here I don't how I'll make it that long. He's made a fresh start in a new aprtmnt, while I'm stuck here mourning the loss of the life we had together, and having it under my nose every day. Seems like so many women fight to be able to keep their homes. I just don't know how to move on while I'm living in this house or even in this state. Does it make me a total coward for wanting to run away? How am I supposed to heal when I'm trapped here with all these painful reminders of what was?


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