# Reasonable to forbid guests?



## joseph2448 (Dec 13, 2012)

Is it reasonable for my wife to tell me that she:

a) hates my friend
b) will not allow my friend to sleep over at our house (note: we have a house with a guest room)
c) could have my friend and his girlfriend over ONLY IF I agree that we will never see them again

Her justification is that he's a horrible person and a jerk. This, apparently, all stems from last New Year's Eve (the friend and girlfriend in question stayed over that night and my wife and I ended up hitting the hay early, and admittedly, my friend was kind of pushy in trying to goad us into coming out, but...), because she had known him for nearly 10 years before that and rarely said anything negative about him.

It's all fairly mind-blowing other than the fact that she reacts negatively to almost anyone coming over to our house, ever. She does work, so she gets out of the house plenty, but she doesn't really have any friends that she connects with on a regular basis. So I don't know if she gets "jealous" that I have friends (they're also her friends, of course) and family that want to come over, or if she's just anxious about people in her space, or ... ?

Is the whole thing her method of controlling me? Or should I feel bad for her because this is reflecting deeper issues inside of her?

And, either way, what do I do about it? I've tried to discuss counseling in the past in regard to other issues we have, but she always steadfastly refuses, calling it a waste of money.

What do I do to get her/us into it?

Thank you for any input you can provide!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As far as anyone sleeping at our house, my wife and I both have veto power. This is the place she lives. Totally reasonable to choose who may spend the night. 

Now I don't allow anyone to control who I choose as male friends. But that's not the same as sleeping under our roof.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

From what little is posted I have to agree with the wife. I agree with the veto power.

She has a right to veto anyone she does not want in the house period. There is probably more than you know about this she has not told you. But even if not you should not push these people on her in your home.


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## joseph2448 (Dec 13, 2012)

Interesting, I appreciate the quick responses! I can see why people post a lot here -- it's nice to get a "reality check" of sorts.

I suppose that does make sense that both spouses should have veto power. Part of my problem with it is that I can't imagine ever exercising it with anyone she's ever been associated with, but I guess that's a view that I shouldn't necessarily think she has to agree with.

Taking it one step further, do you have the same sentiments if it's a member of my family? The issue has come up with my sister a few times as where we live is roughly halfway home from where she lives to my parents' house.

I've really had to twist my wife's arm to OK it, but would you advise that I not be doing this, as well?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Whether reasonable or not, a, b, and c are all within the rights I think me or my wife have in our home. After all it is our home. Also these guys have stayed over before and obviously something made your wife hate it which I'm quite curious about. Of course you have the same rights.

A couple of years ago I actually had to send my step son (who I raised from 5 years on but that doesn't matter to a mom) packing. Now you haven't seen trouble until that sort of thing happens. Looking back on it she knows it was right but at the time I was VERY unpopular with her and her family. The point is you don't have to let anyone other than your minor children live with you including family.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

She sounds like a regular ol' introvert to me... I think she should be able to veto the overnight, but not say you can't spend time with him for reasons that arent a threat to your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

joseph2448 said:


> Interesting, I appreciate the quick responses! I can see why people post a lot here -- it's nice to get a "reality check" of sorts.
> 
> I suppose that does make sense that both spouses should have veto power. Part of my problem with it is that I can't imagine ever exercising it with anyone she's ever been associated with, but I guess that's a view that I shouldn't necessarily think she has to agree with.
> 
> ...


I have family I will never allow in my house again.

All of this depends. That is why the Policy Of Joint Agreement works so well. Hence the veto power. 

As a husband if my wife said a male friend or relative was a jerk and did not want them staying overnight again I would take that in a very serious way. I would want to know why ... I would wonder if there was a reason. Sometimes women flat get the wrong kind of vibe from a guy. That is good enough for me. The sister? I have no idea.

Maybe she flat likes her home to be her castle. Some people are that way. 

If I were you I would respect this particualr situation but I probably would want to know why she thinks he is such a jerk. Would I push it with her? Probably not. Because the one who matters to me most is my wife.

But I get your feelings here.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

joseph2448 said:


> Taking it one step further, do you have the same sentiments if it's a member of my family? The issue has come up with my sister a few times as where we live is roughly halfway home from where she lives to my parents' house.
> 
> I've really had to twist my wife's arm to OK it, but would you advise that I not be doing this, as well?


I think you are doing the right thing here. Twist her arm but in the end if she says no then that's her right. Also in the end if you think she's alienating you from your family then you also have the right to determine you are not compatible with each other. My uncle on my dad's side of the family pretty much dissapeared from family for a number of years while married to his first wife. I personally think he made a bad choice because any spouse who tries to alienate you from your entire family is trouble.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Are you sure her thinking him a jerk is only about that one night? Or is there more to it?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

joseph2448 said:


> *Is it reasonable* for my wife to tell me that she:
> 
> a) hates my friend
> b) will not allow my friend to sleep over at our house (note: we have a house with a guest room)
> ...


______________________________________________________

Reasonable? Depends.

Wow. This hits home for me. I wish it didn't. When I was a kid, my parents discouraged me from inviting friends over and going to visit them. I did not like this at all. I blame it for my inability to make and keep friends to this day. I feel it has been a stumbling block for many things in my life.

I think they did it because they had already raised two children when they were much younger and more willing to do things. My sister, who is fifteen months older than me, was a bit of a surprise pregnancy according to my mom. They had me to be her companion. My mum told us this as well. My two older brothers are from a completely different era. They are 63 and 61 years old. My mom is 90 and my dad would have been 94 had he lived this long.



Jealousy, for me plays more of a symptomatic role. It wasn't that big of an issue in my last marriage. I felt more uncomfortable around some of her(XW) friends, but not so much jealous. I did enjoy the company of many of them. I was doing what I could do to get along. This plays some part in my anxiety and depression. I was hoping to make new friends with her so we could go out together as a couple. The one fairly close friend I've had for the last twenty years or so didn't get along well with his wife so I never invited them out with us.

My parents didn't have any friends that I can remember. At least I don't remember any while I was growing up. I didn't really think about having friends over unless my wife brought it up. I had one or two over, if I remember correctly, but it wasn't often at all. Only one of them was a trusted friend and he still is although our friendship has been damaged by my divorce.

Hard to say if she is trying to control you. I didn't want to try and control my wife's decisions about friends. I don't know if she felt that was what I was doing or not. I just hoped that we we trusted each other enough to talk about any issues we might have had with each other's friends. I may not have been as open as I would like to think. I am not sure. 

I think it's a deeper issue and counseling might actually help. What helped me open up quite a bit was some group counseling style sessions I attended. The other thing which helped was taking a couple of classes at a local community college. I also went to a local coffee shop and "hung out" reading a newspaper and slowly striking up conversations with other patrons. The only thing is, it didn't help me learn what to do with them. I didn't generally ask them to go to a ball game or anything like that. I had a bit of apprehension about that due to a lack of experience. 

I also threw away one good friend I had. I didn't really mean to do that, it just kind of happened because I got tired of mostly going over to his house and working with him on projects he had. I mean work like helping work on his truck and laying out and digging the post holes for a small pole barn. It got to be too much work and not enough fun. I may have expected too much. I don't know because I didn't have friends when I was a kid.

Since I haven't read anything on this subject, I thought it might help if I shared my life experience. Maybe it will give you a little perspective? I hope it helps.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It very well could be that he said it did something that your wife really didn't like.

We don't have adult houseguests stay unless it is family or the kids sleepovers. Hubby and I are not the type to go out and about. We stay home and enjoy ourselves. If we did do this and he was uncomfortable with one of my friends, I would not invite them over period. Same goes for him too. We both respect each others wishes. 

I do not find it unreasonable that she does not like him. She has the right to her feelings and opinions.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Does she have all overnight guests? Problem with friend - problem with sister.... Anyone she ok with? Regardless of veto power, it is HIS house too and if she has a valid reason - fine - but give it then. If it's just that she doesn't like overnight guests - then say that too. If that's the reason, then a compromise is in order and once a year isn't unreasonable. We are all assuming something that might not be even true. But it is BOTH their homes and I don't believe in veto power with no reason. That's dictating and selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

joseph2448 said:


> Interesting, I appreciate the quick responses! I can see why people post a lot here -- it's nice to get a "reality check" of sorts.
> 
> I suppose that does make sense that both spouses should have veto power. Part of my problem with it is that I can't imagine ever exercising it with anyone she's ever been associated with, but I guess that's a view that I shouldn't necessarily think she has to agree with.


Her sudden change makes me think there is something else going on. Either she has always disliked him and is using this as an excuse, or something happened recently. It is worth asking her (perhaps setting it up that he will not be allowed to stay over, but now that this is settled, could she explain her dislike).



> Taking it one step further, do you have the same sentiments if it's a member of my family? The issue has come up with my sister a few times as where we live is roughly halfway home from where she lives to my parents' house.
> 
> I've really had to twist my wife's arm to OK it, but would you advise that I not be doing this, as well?


I agree with the veto thing but do think it is a sliding scale, if you will. Friends are lower down while family is higher up. By that I mean that while either one of us has a veto, it is expected that family would require a clearer reason.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Are you sure her thinking him a jerk is only about that one night? Or is there more to it?


^^^^^
This.

I am thinking maybe his wife is trying to tell him something about this guy friend, but he is not listening.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Are you sure her thinking him a jerk is only about that one night? Or is there more to it?


What everyone's elluding to (I think) is that maybe he creeps her out or even worse what if he hits on her and she knows she may respond. Well if that's the case then you and she had better pay attention to those gut feelings.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm cool with friends & family staying over as long as they are respectful, neat & bring me cookies 

You admit your friend was pushy aka annoying & irritating to your wife last time he stayed over.

I'm with her on this one.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm cool with friends & family staying over as long as they are respectful, neat & bring me cookies
> 
> You admit your friend was pushy aka annoying & irritating to your wife last time he stayed over.
> 
> I'm with her on this one.


I agree. Our homes are the one place we don't have to deal with people who we don't want to be around and where we can make the rules. It may be something as simple as them not respecting what you guys asked of them the last time they stayed. I would find this extremely offensive if someone stayed at my home and ignored my authority to set the rules in my own home. As a matter of fact they would not be staying again.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I can't say if she's right or wrong but I can say I hate,not just dislike,hate having people in my personal space unless it's my partner,child,or someone that I care about deeply.My home is my sanctuary to get away from every one else in the world.I don't like to entertain there and I certainly don't like people having overnights there.
I've been told it's weird and rude.Tried to change and I can't keep up the change.

It's about level of comfort.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

joseph2448 said:


> Is it reasonable for my wife to tell me that she:
> 
> a) hates my friend
> b) will not allow my friend to sleep over at our house (note: we have a house with a guest room)
> c) could have my friend and his girlfriend over ONLY IF I agree that we will never see them again


Yes, this would all seem to be quite reasonable except in today's culture of excessive tolerance and the supremacy of individual rights over the good of others. Why not suggest that she go book herself into a really nice hotel with a gym and a pool and in-room spa services when your friend comes over to stay?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, this would all seem to be quite reasonable except in today's culture of excessive tolerance and the supremacy of individual rights over the good of others. Why not suggest that she go book herself into a really nice hotel with a gym and a pool and in-room spa services when your friend comes over to stay?


If my partner suggested that to me,I'd suggest his friend could do the same rather than invading our home.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> If my partner suggested that to me,I'd suggest his friend could do the same rather than invading our home.


Yeah, then you end up getting labeled as over controlling and the battle lines are drawn. A few trips to family court have helped a lot of people find out their home wasn't really theirs


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yeah, then you end up getting labeled as over controlling and the battle lines are drawn. A few trips to family court have helped a lot of people find out their home wasn't really theirs


Not concerned about that happening.I'm extremely fair and reasonable in all other aspects of life and home.Just like my partner,I'm allowed to have one area where I draw the line.In my particular situation,my home IS mine.I own it


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

One of the traits of BPD is they try to isolate you from friends or family.

Sounds like she has an issue with this one friend and also with your sister. 

You might want to Google on BPD and see if she has other traits of this disorder. Not saying she does. It could be just that she has a problem with these couple of people.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Both my husband and I agree with overnight guests. Family is welcome at any time. Even for a short stay if they were needing it. We don't ever have overnight friend guests. Our children do, they always invite their friends and in groups. They can have friends over on weekends and summer.

My brother had his best friend spend the night once since his wife was divorcing him. The next morning his friend walked out with his $5,000 work computer and was never seen again. This was someone he really trusted. Never again did they have overnight guests.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> One of the traits of BPD is they try to isolate you from friends or family.
> 
> Sounds like she has an issue with this one friend and also with your sister.
> 
> You might want to Google on BPD and see if she has other traits of this disorder. Not saying she does. It could be just that she has a problem with these couple of people.


I have bpd and agree the unaware BPD'ers will try to isolate you from friends and family whether it's in the home or outside the home.
You have to figure out if it's about her wanting to isolate you or if she just doesn't want outsiders in what she considers her private space.

I like seeing people outside my home and would never discourage my partner from going places and seeing people.But that all comes with being aware of the bpd and being in therapy for it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> I'd like to know what the OP meant by this particular statement...
> 
> "coming out"?
> 
> ...


I struggled with this too. I settled on they wanted them to come out of the bedroom and party with them. But indeed I have the same question as you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I have bpd and agree the unaware BPD'ers will try to isolate you from friends and family whether it's in the home or outside the home.
> You have to figure out if it's about her wanting to isolate you or if she just doesn't want outsiders in what she considers her private space.
> 
> I like seeing people outside my home and would never discourage my partner from going places and seeing people.But that all comes with being aware of the bpd and being in therapy for it.


This one thing doesn't make someone Borderline, but it is a trait. Just thought the OP should look into it to see if this one thing is part of a bigger issue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can't say if she's right or wrong but I can say I hate,not just dislike,hate having people in my personal space unless it's my partner,child,or someone that I care about deeply.My home is my sanctuary to get away from every one else in the world.I don't like to entertain there and I certainly don't like people having overnights there.
> I've been told it's weird and rude.Tried to change and I can't keep up the change.
> 
> It's about level of comfort.


Agreed. I do agree also with Athol's three day rule for guests. That said, I have out of love for my wife allowed some of her relatives to stay in our home for a few months. I will never let them set foot in my home again. Long story, but in hindsight I should have said no.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yeah, then you end up getting labeled as over controlling and the battle lines are drawn. A few trips to family court have helped a lot of people find out their home wasn't really theirs


The moment I find out I can't decide who stays at the home I'm paying the morgage for is the moment I start fixing that problem and it's not a wishy-washy or flexible concept at all. In return, the moment I don't allow my wife to veto who stays at our home is the moment I no longer deserve to be with her.

Of course I would take what my wife want's as important as I'm sure she would with me.


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