# Need to vent



## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

Just feeling a lot of anger,resentment today re my WAW. I know, Ive been on here before. 

She didnt have a BF for awhile and so she was stopping by my house a lot this summer while I was off work and recovering from the cancer treatment; I had no energy so when she offered to help around the house w/ stuff i let her and admit it was nice to see her. I know then I was plan B but was in denial. 

Now she has a BF and I hear from her a lot less, so definitely plan b. On Aug 23 we had a b-day party for S3 and later in the day i get achy and yucky feeling due to the cancer so she was still there w/ my mom and sister and kids when i went to take a nap. Before she left she insisted on having a "talk"-- (she is big on TALKS, she will text and say she needs to talk to me ASAP, etc). The talk was about my mom telling her that she caused my ex gf (who was amazing) and I to break up, not really the case. But in the course of the conv, she said, Im done with dating, it isnt worth it, you are the only man I know who is even honest, etc. 

6 days later i got the, Im stopping by, we need to talk text. I was home doing a feeding (g-tube) and she was there a few mins later, informing me that she had a bf and it was serious. She teared up telling me, but I think she was worried that D6 would tell me that he had baby sat them the other night or something. 

I saw an ad on fb for a dating site. single parents or something. i clicked on it and a picture of my ex pops up. in it she says "my ex and i are great friends". 

I didnt sign up to be her friend and her scattered emotions are not something i want in my life. I need to focus. I need to know how to stay civil without sounding so cold that she gets defensive. (Last time we got in a disagreement I foolishly texted her that she sucks, partly about not bathing them, etc., but the next day she came over with the divorce decree to show me that she could take our son for min 3 hours). Want to avoid those confrontations/drama but at the same time keep her at a great distance. Obviously we have kids so there is some interaction. 

Again, just venting. Ordered the book, getting past the breakup last night just to refresh strategies, etc and also seeing my IC soon. Any thoughts, observations are appreciated. I think when I am feeling better-- the recovery is a very long process-- I will be able to go out and do things, have fun etc. I am a little frustrated that she is out at concerts, bars and whatever she wants basically and i pretty much go to bed at 8 still. 

Thanks everyone.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's OK if she perceives you as cold. Be honest. You can just tell her that right now you have to distance yourself emotionally and you are sure it's temporary, that there will come a time when you can be friendlier, but that you have to focus on healing and beating the cancer and limiting emotional turmoil. Tell her you don't want to be mean or hateful, but the ups and downs of the relationship do take their toll so you have to be a bit distant right now. You can tell her you appreciate her understanding and see how she reacts. I think it's understandable for you to need a little distance.


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## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

That sounds reasonable. In a way I want to do it without even letting on that what she does even bothers me (other than kids' stuff).


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Mo24 said:


> That sounds reasonable. In a way I want to do it without even letting on that what she does even bothers me (other than kids' stuff).


IMHO, it all about your boundaries, who are you protecting here? Yourself. Nothing wrong with that. You need time to heal on many fronts. So take care of yourself. 

Be strong, and beat all this.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

What l've tried to do right through and it's worked beautifully with zero dramas or kick backs from ex.
l've just been nice right through mostly, even if like once or twice there has been a few things with my d or our time or something , l've just mentioned them , always just in a matter of factly type way and it works well . We'll just basically agree to do more on it or whatever without even saying it usually.
PS , although , there was a few times early on things did get nasty and some anger kicked in but we worked it out in the end before it got worse and mutually tried to smooth out the waters .
I always answer any calls or text or get back when l can and so does she, no games. But l also just move myself away from it quietly moreso at the same time anytime l've needed to. They soon get the hint you don't really have to say anything and there's no dramas .
And l've noticed at times she's also just politely drifted out of the scene a bit moresp than usual at times to so l've just thought yep ok that;s cool and backed away a bit more myself .

lf they're usually good to deal with and you keep it nice, fair , simple and as drama free as poss, there's really no need to actually say that much about it or risk provoking any backlash and when kids are involved that's really important. More just sorta start subtly moving things into the direction your happier with l've found and never ever threaten if you can help it.
Well , it works for me anyway. Best wishes with your recovery too.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Mo24 said:


> Just feeling a lot of anger,resentment today re my WAW. I know, Ive been on here before.
> 
> I didnt sign up to be her friend and her scattered emotions are not something i want in my life. I need to focus. I need to know how to stay civil without sounding so cold that she gets defensive.


If you have been...and you recognise the same pattern of behaviour where you dislike to find yourself with WAW, then STOP repeating. (But I get it when you are feeling vulnerable post-cancer treatment and recovering, which may take some time)

This seems to be a recurring theme to many on TAM. I have been through this one myself. I had WWS who played the game of "we still love each other regardless". Quite frankly, no I'm afraid I don't. I just don't say anything as there's no / little point of me "getting involved" in that sort of conv any more. D means it's over and we learn to move on. I have no time for someone who was busy cheating behind my back when I was alone and miserable in my former marriage without knowing so many years. 

Your W cheated and you ended up with D. She wants to stay as buddies, as it may make herself look and feel nice and warm inside. Yes, it is more likely that she sees you as a "constant" one to fall back on whenever there's nobody to care for her. 

D isn't nice and if she thinks "being buddies" would work nicely, it is nothing but a wishful thinking. My advice is to stop wasting any energy or time on "this". That doesn't make you a bad person. You were the victim. Internal dialogue? Keep your thoughts to yourself next time she utters this sort of nonsense. Do not get involved. Do not allow her to kiss you. Keep a good distance. Go back to your life and invest in people who are far more trustworthy.

Keep the "business" with her strictly re. your D. Nothing else.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Her actions will continue until you put a stop to it. She sees you as a safety net.

She does not have to move forward if she knows you will always be there.

As far as the "talks"...unless it is an emergency about the child, keep

it to emails only. I hope you kick the shyt out of cancer.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She is rationalizing her actions so if you two are buddies then "everything worked out in the end. The affair wasnt such a bad thing! Right dear?"

I call Bullsh1t.

Just keep it to the kids and nothing else.
I dont let people treat me like that twice.

Recover well and keep the strange and the negative out of your life!


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