# Oh what a mess!!! Help



## sojac (Sep 6, 2009)

I am going to make this a simple and short as possible. Lord knows if I got in depth it would take years! I am a newlywed as well as just out of a pretty long relationship. I guess that lets you in on my first mistake. I married my husband after only knowing him for less then 4 months. I am 27 he is 22. (Am I sounding outta my mind already??) He is a wonderful person. He has an amazing dispostion, a good job, and is a complete opposite of everything that I am. I am a hot headed italian. He is a soft spoken englishman. He is on his fifth year in the United States Airforce. I work with the county 911 system. We both make good money and are lucky in the fact we don't have to struggle as hard as some. However, when he and I met I was just out of a very long relationship with my high school crush. My ex was a senior my freshman. He was a real sports nut and I was a varsity cheerleader. We both had a thing for each other yet was way too shy to act on it. I ran into him a few years after his graduation, just after mine, and found out he was married. It was a brief encounter. A few years later I got a phone call from some girl friends that were out drinking. They needed me to come and sit with them because they had all gone overboard and needed a DD. I am usually the more responsible of them so I went to get them. When I walked in the bar I sat down next to a guy with his back turned to me. When he turned around it was him! We ended up driving everyone home and finally parted well after sun up the next day. We spent all night driving everyone home and shuttling cars for our friends. I found out that he was going through a divorce and he asked me to go with him for his birthday. What soon started as friends became much more. We hit it off like we had not missed a day in the 7years since we were last around each other. I am a true life southernbell tomboys. I would rather be hunting or fishing then shopping. I spent most of my teenage years modeling one minute, and working on race cars with my father the next. My ex is a Firefighter/EMT and he is one of the real deep south kinda guys. So we had so much in common. Not to mention that soon after his divorce was final I started my new job that put us working together. To make it a shorter story, after his divorce he moved in with his grandmother. After being together for a long time I had a situation where I needed to move and he asked me to live with them. He had a family problem arrise and he had actually purchased the home from his grandmother in order to save the house. (Keep in mind she still lived in the master bedroom and is only 62 with no intentions on leaving) I moved in and that is when our problems started. My ex has two rather jerks that he called friends that hated me! They made it hard for he and I to spend time together and us to tell him that no girl liked hunting and fishing I was only trying to be up under him. He ultimately started treating me like more of a painfull third wheel then someone he had a relationship with. Along side the fact his grandmother and I were butting heads about everything. There was an unfinished beauty shop attached to opposite side of the carport and I begged him to lets finish it (it had two rooms, kitchenette, bathroom...it was more like a guest house) and either she or he/I move into it. Before long his grandma and mother were setting in on him to get rid of me. Amazingly he ask me to marry him. I of course said yes. I in my heart believe that he is my solemate. If you take out the domino effect caused by a few bad choices we would be so very happy. Now I will skip forward to the breakup. I moved out and we were back at square one. We had been seeing each other and still spending time together. It even seemed like things were going to be ok. Until one night I tried to reach him and a girl answered the phone. He had gone to the buddies house that didn't like me and taking someone with him. Well I finally found him the following morning when he left her house. (it happen to be a girl from my past that HATED me and months before I had warned him she would try to come between us) I was waiting for him at the table talking with his grandmother when he finally came home. I wanted all my furniture and everything that was mine that he kept there. He was cold and hard especially seeing how two nights before he was intimate with me. Well this was last Sept. and a few weeks before Thankgiving he met me and told me that he was making the biggest mistake of his life and missed me. I had the week before met the man I am married to now at a friends birthday dinner and he knew all about my ex and was there as someone I could talk to. Well my ex and I got back together for about 1wk. until he went missing on Thanksgiving. When he finally called he ask that I meet him at his house to talk. Well his talk was to let me know that he could not be with me because of her, yet could not give me a reason. Personally I think it was the fact that he had gotten attached to her two children. He and I had at one point be battling with my infertility and he wanted a family so bad. He would not however agree to adoption. The night he left me for her I ran straight to my husband. A few weeks later he was not just the shoulder I cried on but something more. He isnt the ******* my ex was. He hunts but not often. He fishs but not like I do. We really don't have much in common. At first I was just attracted to his looks ( and wow does he have them ) but once I started to get to know him we just clicked. It seemed like all the little things that just pissed me off in the world made him laugh. He was NOTHING like my ex. Now March came and I took him to see Jeff Dunham for his birthday, we had been together for about 3 months. So it was a shock when he dropped to one knee at the show and ask me to marry him. Yeah I had thought about the idea of it. I don't think any woman that has never been married doesnt when she starts dating someone. Besides my ex had just told me that the girl he left me for was pregnant and I was really talking myself into letting go. I don't think that either of us had let go until he found that out. So.. the proposal.. I said yes and so.... when he found out days later that he was to be deployed over seas we jumped the gun. We had planned for a wedding in October. Yet he was told he would not be back until November. We snuck off and said our I DOs and no one was the wiser. He wanted to know that if something happened to him while he was gone I would be taken care of. I can honestly say that the man adores me. We have since told my mother, grandparents, and his mother. They were all thrilled belive it or not. We found out over the summer that he was only up as and alternate and that it shouldnt effect our wedding date.

I am skipping forward.... 

My EX and I still work together. His now WIFE (because she got knocked up) freaks if she even thinks I dispatched him to a fire on the radio. She wont let him have a cell phone in fear he may call and she has hacked into 4 email accounts to see if he emails me. My EX does call me without her knowing. My husband however says he doesnt care if we talk because he doesnt feel threatened by him. 

Over the last few months I have grown to know my husband better and he is driving me nuts! I can honestly say I feel like I am married to Jessica Simpson. So can my mother and friends. He has no common sense and can not think for himself. I have found myself in question on why I am even with him. Granted he is good to me, but we have nothing in common, his immaturity has lead me to feel more like a single parent rather then a spouse, and our love life is GONE! I litterally do not want to have sex. He never really was anywhere near my EX but it was still enjoyable. He is awful with money. I have to do ALL the finances because he can not understand that when the checking shows 1.00 pending at a gas station, he didnt get lucky and get 49.00 in gass free! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM! He has openly admitted that his mother and the Airforce has mapped his every hour of every day out for so long that he cant think for himself. I don't know what to do! I am at my ropes end AND THE WEDDING ISNT EVEN HERE YET!!!

However I feel the need to really push for it to work because he renlisted because he thought it was what was best for "us". When he really wanted to get out. We have also taken a 5000.00 loan to pay for our wedding. Which together we can pay easily but my name is not on the loan and he cant pay it alone. 

NOW... besides the current questions that are running thru my mind... he comes the EX.

He and I still talk to each other and with him not being happy, only being with her because she is pregnant, and me not being sure of things we have talked to each other about our relationship problems. We both agree that we should have handled things differently and he says he know sees that people were wrong about me. He said he can see that I wasnt trying to be under him that I truely enjoyed the things "the guys" do. He also says that his mother and grandmother have come to him and said that they thought I was a "*****" until God put his new wife into their lives. He also said he will love me until the end of time. That he now believes we are solemates and he knows that the love he has for me in unconditional. He also said that he would even give the chance to be a father to go back to last Sept. and do thing different. His mother even saw me one day and said that she was sorry. That I should have been her daughter-inlaw and she hates how miserable her son is without me. What started as us talking has lead to us meeting. He is currently working at a one man station and he is the only one there and it is in the woods. So I have one three occasions rode up to say hey. It was great to see him. It had been months! We talked and really behaved the first time. The second he kissed me and wiped tears from my face. The third it was everything we could do to NOT have sex.

I know it is wrong and I know that it would kill both his wife and my husband. I also know that I will not ever love anyone the way I love him. I can't help it. I think that not loving him would be like not loving myself because we are so much alike. He thinks I rushed into marriage because I was angry. I think he rushed into a relationship with a physco because she had two cute kids. I don't know what to do!!!

My mind tell me this: I could raise his child, however she wouldnt allow it. 

My ex lost the house and has a horrible financial status, which is only going to be worse for the next 18 years!

I have security with my husband. He adores me. As a matter of fact he loves me the way I love my ex....


I am hoping someone wiser can point me in the right direction.... be honest... brutally... I take no offense to whatever anyone says... call me a *****... call me a *****... call me insane... call me confused... Just please I need the advise of someone out there...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I think you need to stop with the men for a while.

I think your ex is a waste of your time and you don't realize it. The man is a mess and you can't see it.

You have a man who worships you and that is worth more than gold, my friend. You are going to break the heart of a man who worships you, if you continue.

You are WRONG for continuing a relationship with your ex behind your HUSBAND's back.

Stop working with this other man. Do what it takes.

You are in the wrong in so many ways....

Oh, and just because you have fertility issues with one man, it does not always go for another man.

The next thing we know you will bring a child into this mess you call your life.


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## sojac (Sep 6, 2009)

I understand what you are saying. That is why I ask for opinions. I know what is going on is wrong. I come from a physically and mentally broken home. I have watched my parents and their affairs for as long as I can remember. After 33 years and many nights in jail and the arms of another they have finally called it quits. It has been over a year and a half and I think they would rather kill each other then breath. Someone once said I can't see the indiscretions of my ex because I have watched how my mother coved my fathers my whole life. No matter I promised myself that I would not be like them. I don't want to be. I thought that my ex and I could remain friends and I was obviously wrong about that. I think temptation will always be there. 

He is more then a mess... he is a train wreck. I try to remind myself that if he hurt me once he would do it again. I would only be a fool to believe that he wouldn't.

As far as my husband. I don't know what to do to make it work. Ex or no EX I still feel as though I am raising him.....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You admit your ex is a train wreck but you are continuing a relationship that is clearly toxic to you as a person, and your marriage.

If you eliminated the ex from the picture, you could think more clear about your dh.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Obviously, you are not over your ex. Because of this, you are finding faults with your hubby. He admits his faults and I bet is willing to try remedy them, such as the band account. You are putting your ex on a pedestal and your hubby has no hope of living up to that.

You and your ex are sharing personal information with each other about your marriages? Big giant NO NO! He's going to tell you that he wishes he was with you. That he would treat you so much better. That he would never do "this or that" that your hubby does. He talks about his wife and you think how much better you are for him than she is. Blah, blah, blah.......

You keep this up and you are going to devistate your hubby, your ex's wife, and his child. You already experienced what life with you ex was like. What you have now is an affair with stolen exciting moments. This is not real! This is not day to day life with this man, and you already know what that is like.

I do think you jumped the gun on your marriage, but you can't undo that. If you can't get the ex out of your mind and TRUELY give your marriage the chance it needs, then let the man go. Let him give himself and his love to someone who really deserves it.

I don't see a happy ending for you and your ex together. I don't know if there is one for you and your hubby. Think this through. Generally, if you're doing something that you have to hide......IT'S WRONG! I seriously urge you to not be selfish and think of the wonderful man you married. Give him what he deserves, be it you putting everything into your marriage, or letting him go. Don't drag it out on him and cheat on him.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

OMG


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


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