# I need my husband to see me & want me again..... HELP



## lovenaffection (Mar 14, 2011)

Ok this is a long story & I'll leave minor details out to reduce its length lol but I figure you cant help if you don't know the situation.

I have been with my husband for 16 years, actually since I was 16. We have a beautiful family & have managed to realize many of our dreams through a lot of hard work & being a great team.

Our newest company, something we dreamed of owning for a long time has started to cause us issues. Its a Bar with a few added entertainment features that include sensual dancers but NOT strippers.

Anyways, I am a model I also dance & work at our company either on site or from home. I always try to spend 2 nights a week there so we can have some fun, a few drinks etc.

Our problem is this...... Of course he has a lot of girls that flirt with him, many of whom don't have any idea he's married (he hasn't worn a ring for 10yrs) Which is fine. Im usually not a jealous person. But he has started to become detatched from me & when I spend time there he seems to move away from me, sometimes even goes out to see friends at another bar. He has a a friend (girl) that he hangs out with & I cant help but see him enjoying her company more than mine. He says he doesnt but I can see she doesnt come with all the stings n stress I do, plus she's 10yrs younger than me......

Since he works so many hours & comes home sometimes 3 am on a few occasions 5-6 am. He's busy & cant always text me back or call. I started to get really upset & feel very lonely home alone with the kids nearly every night. Its a new company & we don't have the spare $$ for me to just go out & have fun with my friends & he after all is working.

Without being graphic, I am a very sexual person, I need to feel wanted & a passing touch or a few sexy texts a day is almost a guarantee to have me waiting naked in high heels ready to bust out a lapdance for him when he finally comes home lol So it doesnt take much to keep me happy & horny.

However some days I wait & wait & eventually Im in tears thinking what did I do wrog, why doesnt he want to come home to me. Its not like he doesnt find me attractive & he loves sex lol!

I just dont know what to think anymore. I've explained how I feel, I said how his actions when he's around the other girl has caused me to feel, & I've made it clear I dont need much. Just find some time to show me Im your wife not just an employee/cleaner/nanny.

Ive tried not saying anything & being my usual cheerful self, & I can do it for a few days, I have friends I chat to so I dont feel lonely. Just enough to get me by. BUT then after a few days go by I get so upset, I almost start having a panic attack about it. I start to act mean & think WHY cant you just grab me, kiss me or a really nice hug as he leaves for work.....something!

I start to think of the little details that add up in my head & somehow 2+2=6 nothing makes sense & as much as I believe him & he assures me he isnt cheating I just feel sick.

He is a very good man & we've always worked together. He's been so protective over the years & always told me how much he loves me. Never once gave me a reason to doubt him, even when Ive been a flirt or gone to shoot photo's in my lingerie.

Regardless its almost like I've worn him out lol or used up all of his affection & caring. Like I made him feel so pushed to be what I wanted that now he has the spotlight I almost disappear in his eyes.

I love him so much & want to keep our family together. I don't want to get weak & cheat, I also don't want to push him away with my crazy behaviour. I just cant seem to get any clear idea of what I'm supposed to do.

PLEASE HELP ME please don't bash him, I just need help :scratchhead:


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

lovenaffection said:


> Our problem is this...... Of course he has a lot of girls that flirt with him, many of whom don't have any idea he's married (he hasn't worn a ring for 10yrs) Which is fine


.
Why is it fine, would he want you flirting with men and them not knowing you are married.



> Im usually not a jealous person. But he has started to become detatched from me & when I spend time there he seems to move away from me, sometimes even goes out to see friends at another bar. He has a a friend (girl) that he hangs out with & I cant help but see him enjoying her company more than mine. He says he doesnt but I can see she doesnt come with all the stings n stress I do, plus she's 10yrs younger than me......


If you are not comfortable with it, he shouldn't do it, it doesn't make you insecure if you don't like this, it makes you human and wary. Insecure people put up with things they shouldn't to keep their partner, secure people tell them it's not acceptable.


> Since he works so many hours & comes home sometimes 3 am on a few occasions 5-6 am. He's busy & cant always text me back or call. I started to get really upset & feel very lonely home alone with the kids nearly every night. Its a new company & we don't have the spare $$ for me to just go out & have fun with my friends & he after all is working.


That's not cool, he is not putting the effort required into your relationship. he needs to spend time with you, and make you feel special.


> However some days I wait & wait & eventually Im in tears thinking what did I do wrog, why doesnt he want to come home to me. Its not like he doesnt find me attractive & he loves sex lol!


Somethings not right, and you need to convey this to him.

Do not let him twist things to make you feel bad.


> I just dont know what to think anymore. I've explained how I feel, I said how his actions when he's around the other girl has caused me to feel, & I've made it clear I dont need much. Just find some time to show me Im your wife not just an employee/cleaner/nanny.
> 
> Ive tried not saying anything & being my usual cheerful self, & I can do it for a few days, I have friends I chat to so I dont feel lonely. Just enough to get me by. BUT then after a few days go by I get so upset, I almost start having a panic attack about it. I start to act mean & think WHY cant you just grab me, kiss me or a really nice hug as he leaves for work.....something!


he should be doing this every day. Some people do not appreciate what they have.



> I start to think of the little details that add up in my head & somehow 2+2=6 nothing makes sense & as much as I believe him & he assures me he isnt cheating I just feel sick.
> 
> He is a very good man & we've always worked together. He's been so protective over the years & always told me how much he loves me. Never once gave me a reason to doubt him, even when Ive been a flirt or gone to shoot photo's in my lingerie.
> 
> ...


Not bashing him but, your needs are not being met and his behaviour sounds like he could be doing things he shouldn't.

I would write him a letter about how you feel. And tell him you don't want to do anything silly but he needs to reconnect with you.

Oh and your business does not sound condusive to loving intimate relationships. Sell it.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

And I wanted to add obviously instead of caring about you, he is enjoying the ego boost.

If you left him and you had to sell the business, what do you think he would do? None of those women would be so interested then, and he'd lose his wife as well. He needs a wake up call.


----------



## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I understand you not wanting to push him away with your "cazy behavior". 

He's assured you he's not cheating. 

What does he say about the less affection and sex? 

You have every right to speak up about missing your connection.

There are ups and downs in any marriage but it sounds like this is the first time you've felt panic about it. 

What does he say when you tell him you feel him detatching?

From what you've described I would feel taken for granted at least. I mean you're his wife and he goes off with friends on your "date nights" at the bar to another bar without you??? WTF? He can't take the time to text you back when he knows you've been feeling vulnerable? 

I would banish the "jealousy" bug now and work on getting your connection back. Be the fun, sexy woman he loves. But also give him some things to do to make you feel better. Listen to what he needs as well. Listen to what he says. Use a lot of positive reinforcement when he does anything that makes you feel good. 

Let him have his little time in the spotlight. But remind him you are the one at home backing him up. It's great to be good at work. But at the end of your life nobody looks back and says...gee I wish I spent more time at work.

I commend you and not wanting to be a stupid, loser cheater.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're pretty and hot but there's something bugging him.

You will need to get him to open his mouth because usually men won't tell you what they truely think because they don't want to hear you complain and they don't want to hurt you.

My other idea is plan a trip for yourself without him : How can he miss you if you NEVER go away?

Having a great holiday in a fancy hotel, enjoying some great meals and relaxing spa... (spend his money, for he must pay for his flirtings with other chicks and for water fees, the tears you had for him. )

Be nice to yourself. 
Be comfident.
Take good care of your emotional & phisical needs.

In this case, you will be more happy and when you're happy, you're more attractive.

Women up!


----------



## justagirl123 (Mar 15, 2011)

It is so awful to be lonely in a marriage. I know how you feel. I wish I knew the answer. If I did, I would shout it from the mountaintops! I know it probably doesn't help much, but you are not alone. I'm going through the same thing. It's incredibly hard to walk away from someone you love, someone you've built a family with, likewise it is incredibly hard to feel lonely and unwanted. Hugs! Let me know if you find something that works to help your situation.


----------



## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

I know this might now sound friendly, lonely is a gift from God. I bet your wondering, Gift - your freaking crazy. Well it is a gift from God, because it helps you to see what your missing. It helps you to see that you have a need that is not getting met. It helps you to get up off your couch or behind and seek help.


----------



## lovenaffection (Mar 14, 2011)

wow, so many great helpful comments. I do LOVE my husband & as you said I need to see whats missing & make me happy so he can love me the way he used to.

He has never been a hand holding huggy guy, but taking the small amount away & seeing him happy & cheerful around other people was a killer. I can see now that being mad at him simply made the situation worse.

I do fully believe he's not cheating, just seeking happy people without the stress we share, so I am trying my best to stop the stressful naggy needy behaviour & be who I really am 

The last few days & just admitting the problems out loud (on here lol) has helped a lot. Even he seems to have noticed 

Thankyou all so much for your helpful words x


----------

