# Wife ignoring for a week+ after reviewing YouTube watch history....



## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.

We recently got a new iPad and feeling as if I had nothing to hide I logged into my YouTube account on the shared device.

A few days later it turns out she went back years (thousands of videos) into my YouTube watch history and found 2 videos that infuriated her and she has been giving me the silent treatment ever since... The videos were

a random middle aged woman trying on a few bikinis. (in my watch history from December of 2021, the indicator showed I only watched a few seconds and browsed away). I honestly don't even remember clicking on it.
a video of "how to tell if a woman likes you" that I watched in July of 2022. Admittedly this was a clickbaity title/thumbnail and I watched the whole video. I had watched other content from this creator about "confidence at work" "leading with charisma" etc and this was suggested to me.
I told her for #1 I have no idea why I clicked on that and she asked "do you not love me anymore?!?" She absolutely is making it feel like I've cheated on her. To the women here.... is this really a justifiable reason for a wife to be furious at her husband?

Honestly at this point I'm just not saying anything, because I don't care and I think its an absolutely stupid thing to be mad about. For the sake of my kids, I'm keeping quiet and keeping my feelings to myself. How do you think I should approach this if it lingers?

This is not the first time she has gone into my history to try and find something wrong. Shortly after we were married, she went through my email inbox and found photos sent by a friend, of a drunk woman (who I barely knew) grinding against me in a college dance club when I was 22 (years before I even met her).

She comes from an ultra-conservative religious family who was not allowed to have boyfriends etc when growing up. Her parents never really showed her affection as she was 1 of 6 siblings.

Anyways, just wanted to get all that off my chest. Appreciate any advice anyone can provide.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have a huge problem on your hands. 

This can't be the only really dysfunctional thing this woman has done. The silent treatment over this?

Counseling, not negotiable. 

Sounds hellish.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.
> 
> We recently got a new iPad and feeling as if I had nothing to hide I logged into my YouTube account on the shared device.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM @Alan Victor-Kea !

Your wife is super insecure! I agree with you the examples you gave are really tame and for her to be upset about those is not great for her or you.

How is the rest of your marriage? For example, does she get up get upset if you go to the mall by yourself? Does she worry if you travel for work? Does she text you every 5 minutes to see what you're doing?

1 suggestion comes to mind. Get her into counseling to dig into why the insecurity. Maybe that turns into marriage counseling so you can work through it together.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> A few days later it turns out she went back years (thousands of videos) into my YouTube watch history and found 2 videos that infuriated her and she has been giving me the silent treatment ever since...


Your wife sounds kinda nuts to me. And it sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Either that, or she's into drama.



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> Honestly at this point I'm just not saying anything, because I don't care and I think its an absolutely stupid thing to be mad about. For the sake of my kids, I'm keeping quiet and keeping my feelings to myself. How do you think I should approach this if it lingers?


Marriages that have a dynamic of one screaming while the other one runs for cover don't work well. Keeping your feelings to yourself? Hell, no. Are you afraid of arguing? And, once again, your wife sounds nuts to me.



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> She comes from an ultra-conservative religious family who was not allowed to have boyfriends etc when growing up. Her parents never really showed her affection as she was 1 of 6 siblings.


So you knew, to some degree, what you were getting when you married her. And when I hear "religious" that always makes my skin crawl. People of faith are one thing, but oftentimes these "religious" people are overboard fanatics. Sounds like that's her family. Again, you knew this going into marriage.

P.S - Your marriage sounds pretty lousy to me. JMO


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How is the rest of your marriage? For example, does she get up get upset if you go to the mall by yourself? Does she worry if you travel for work? Does she text you every 5 minutes to see what you're doing?


I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy. For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday in the summers. I'm out of the house for a few hours and she's at home with the kids. She will act fine but when when we have any argument she will say "all you care about in life is playing baseball with your buddies" and throw it in my face. I honestly don't feel like getting "me time" like that once a week is anything too bad.

Similarly, I used to game online (from home) once a week with friends for 1.5-2 hrs after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.

She has never had a steady job. Thankfully I make enough to live comfortably so she does not need to. Her life is literally sitting at home and watching the kids all day. Part of me feels "I" am her hobby and she expects me to reciprocate the same.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Can you encourage her to look into some hobbies at least? Does she have friends that she can see for lunch or something? A person must make their OWN happiness -- it can't be provided 24x7 by someone else.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It seems like that you are either afraid of your wife, or don't have an idea how reply back, or both. Probably a conflict avoidant. Personally, if this was me, I would immediately, upon her complain tell to cut the crap out. That she's coming across as an immature, oversensitive, insecure woman. That there was nothing to watching the videos. She gets pissed at you whether you don't say a thing or reply back, so mind as well speak up and tell her to cut the crap. I mean, if you have the balls to actually confront your wife. And for the love of god, stop feeling guilty.


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

jlg07 said:


> Can you encourage her to look into some hobbies at least? Does she have friends that she can see for lunch or something? A person must make their OWN happiness -- it can't be provided 24x7 by someone else.


I have tried... this is really the root of the problem. Her family immigrated here when she was a kid and refused to let her have friends outside of her culture (South Asian). Her reason is "I had 5 siblings why did I need friends"

I know I'll get responses like "you should have known" and you're right....


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> It seems like that you are either afraid of your wife, or don't have an idea how reply back, or both. Probably a conflict avoidant. Personally, if this was me, I would immediately, upon her complain tell to cut the crap out. That she's coming across as an immature, oversensitive, insecure woman. That there was nothing to watching the videos. She gets pissed at you whether you don't say a thing or reply back, so mind as well speak up and tell her to cut the crap. I mean, if you have the balls to actually confront your wife. And for the love of god, stop feeling guilty.


Thats almost EXACTLY what I did when she first brought it up. Her response was "I knew you'd turn this and make it my fault". She had actually known about the browsing history 2 days prior to confronting me and was acting ok around me, but my response after the confrontation seems to have escalated her anger/silence. 

At that point I was done, I'm not letting my kids see us argue over such dumb $hit. So it is conflict avoidance hoping it would blow over but its been a week or so.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your wife sounds rather childish. What do you see in her? While she's watching the kids all day, does she keep the house clean, cook, do laundry? Just wondering ....


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

So how did you end up here?

She wasn't like this when you got married but changed after kids? Is that it?

Or was she always like this?


I would _not_ let it go and hope it blows over. It's time to face this issue and resolve it.

Ask her straight up what her perfect situation would be here. Are you not allowed to have friends? Is baseball off-limits? Or other sports?

Find out what sets her off and what she'd like to see happen.

What would she say if she came here to post a question about her husband doing <whatever she would say>?

Then you flip it around and tell her what you'd like.

Definitely don't skip the counseling for her part though. She needs to deal with _something_


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I knew you'd turn this and make it my fault


after her reply, You should had told her, so you knew that what upset you was ********, and therefore, you were ready with an answer for when I would tell you so. Please, stop bringing your naggy crap constantly. it's becoming a pattern and I'm getting tired of it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You may want to ask @MattMatt to move this Thread into the Private section.

_Insecurity finds all of those cracks, those breaches into the garden wall.


Are Dee-_


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> You may want to ask @MattMatt to move this Thread into the Private section.
> 
> _Insecurity finds all of those cracks, those breaches into the garden wall.
> 
> ...


Pretty sure she wouldn't search anywhere beyond reddit for forums/advice. Even if she did find it I'd love for her to read the replies...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife, I feel, needs therapy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> While she's watching the kids all day, does she keep the house clean, cook, do laundry?


My question. Care to respond?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I have tried... this is really the root of the problem. Her family immigrated here when she was a kid and refused to let her have friends outside of her culture *(South Asian)*. Her reason is "I had 5 siblings why did I need friends"
> 
> I know I'll get responses like "you should have known" and you're right....


Culture shock, theirs is just a lot more conservative so the standards are different.


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

Prodigal said:


> Your wife sounds rather childish. What do you see in her? While she's watching the kids all day, does she keep the house clean, cook, do laundry? Just wondering ....


Usually she is on the couch watching TV while monitoring the 2 younger kids throughout the day. When they nap she takes care of a few things like tidying up. 

She does 100% of the cooking, though 3 nights a week we usually order something... I would say she does a decent job of keeping the house clean considering the 3 kids. I do chores like the laundry, garbage, paying the bills, manage finances. If she was on her own she would have no clue on how to pay insurance, mortgage, taxes, etc.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.
> 
> We recently got a new iPad and feeling as if I had nothing to hide I logged into my YouTube account on the shared device.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is the cause... but it might help improve things a bit-
Perhaps encourage her to spend equal amount of free time doing what she wants to do on the weekend while you watch the kids and clean up after them? I Know that for a short time my mom worked Saturdays and my dad always made sure she came home to a clean house. Perhaps she could go shopping for a couple of hours for just something fun? I like to go makeup shopping every now and then and check out the displays. I spent many hours away with my daughter's dance and it was a lot of fun. There must be something she would enjoy doing without you- perhaps with or without a child.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm sure your wife has her hands full with two young children. It sounds like she isn't just spending the day looking at her phone or watching the tube. 

Still, it sounds like you are very frustrated with her drama-seeking behavior

Have you considered discussing this with her and bringing the conversation to a halt as soon as she starts with the exaggerations? Spounds to me like you need to take control of the situation. Personally, I cannot and will not tolerate the silent treatment. Childish and massively passive-aggressive nonsense.

Yeah, she's behaving irrationally. So, if you want rationality in your marriage, you'll need to take charge of this situation. Are you willing to put your foot down and tell her - in no uncertain terms - to cut the crap? If it means marriage counseling, fine. But YOU are posting here so YOU need to do something about this.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.
> 
> We recently got a new iPad and feeling as if I had nothing to hide I logged into my YouTube account on the shared device.
> 
> ...



You're in for the hell ride of a lifetime...This is only the beginning...


Buckle up or leave as soon as possible.



If this is all, and the absolute truth that you both could agree on mutually.....



Your wife is highly insecure with very poor self esteem. 


Either you solely contributed to it, or her solely past experiences with perhaps other relationships have never resolved itself...and has carried into your relationship.


She perhaps sees you as all of her previous.


Tbh. Your wife sounds like a nightmare..

This is no way to live...



Someone constantly needing validation and reassurance from their partner instead of seeking and achieving it on their own.


Someone who's going to go into overdrive mode with the accusations.


I'd run.



Especially if I honestly and truthfully never so much batted an eyelash at another woman inappropriately..




If you have been inappropriate in the past, and you both agreed to perhaps work it out,

How long are you going to "pay" for it??

How long are you going to put up with someone constantly playing detective and spying on you?



If you're currently inappropriate with other women, 

You need to straighten up or leave if you find it something that you don't wish to discontinue.


If it solely is her insecurities, she doesn't need to be in any relationship with anyone right now..

She cannot give her all or have a healthy relationship currently.

She needs to be single and in therapy.



If you knew how she was beforehand (assuming it's just a her "thing") you probably shouldn't have married or conceived children together. 

Should have ended things long ago(if you already knew) perhaps currently (if you didn't).


You can't make a highly insecure person, secure.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.
> 
> We recently got a new iPad and feeling as if I had nothing to hide I logged into my YouTube account on the shared device.
> 
> ...


Yes she is having a major overreaction. Is she always this over the top or is this new? Could it be postpartum depression?


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## Alan Victor-Kea (2 d ago)

So we just had a talk... I don't think there was that much progress...

I told her going thru thousands of videos and only finding 2 and being mad about it is "over the top"

Her response *"well I found them right, you did do it!! It doesn't matter if you did it once years ago!!! How do you think that makes me feel after giving birth, I hate my body"*

She also mentioned, *"I'm just going to run away, you can have your mom move in and help with the kids"* etc. It honestly sounds like crazy talk...

I did suggest therapy and she said something to the effect of "Whats that going to help with?"

Honestly, I don't think it got anywhere and we are back where we were before the conversation.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy. For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday in the summers. I'm out of the house for a few hours and she's at home with the kids. She will act fine but when when we have any argument she will say "all you care about in life is playing baseball with your buddies" and throw it in my face. I honestly don't feel like getting "me time" like that once a week is anything too bad.
> 
> Similarly, I used to game online (from home) once a week with friends for 1.5-2 hrs after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.
> 
> She has never had a steady job. Thankfully I make enough to live comfortably so she does not need to. Her life is literally sitting at home and watching the kids all day. Part of me feels "I" am her hobby and she expects me to reciprocate the same.


This is abuse. This is not ok.

Can you imagine if the genders were reversed?

Your problem is you can't stand up to her and set boundaries for yourself. You can't just give in to her and let her walk all over you. Therapy might help.

How is the sex?

I would encourage you to do more things for yourself. Resume your gaming group and do more athletic things. It'll be good for you.

For this marriage to work, you're gonna have to learn to find your strength, claim your power, lay down the law, set boundaries, make demands, ignore her tantrums, and be the one in charge.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So we just had a talk... I don't think there was that much progress...
> 
> I told her going thru thousands of videos and only finding 2 and being mad about it is "over the top"
> 
> ...


Ouch! This sounds a lot to me like a stressed out mother, possibly PPD. I’m not the one to dive into that deeper but there may be a medical solution here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> Usually she is on the couch watching TV while monitoring the 2 younger kids throughout the day. When they nap she takes care of a few things like tidying up.
> 
> She does 100% of the cooking, though 3 nights a week we usually order something... I would say she does a decent job of keeping the house clean considering the 3 kids. I do chores like the laundry, garbage, paying the bills, manage finances. If she was on her own she would have no clue on how to pay insurance, mortgage, taxes, etc.


Maybe some of those chores about insurance, etc. -- YOU should sit down and go through with her, maybe give some of those to her to take care of for her own good, and maybe YOU take over a couple of hers?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So we just had a talk... I don't think there was that much progress...
> 
> I told her going thru thousands of videos and only finding 2 and being mad about it is "over the top"
> 
> ...


Therapy may NOT be what she needs. Since the baby is only 1 year old, maybe post-partum depression. She should go see her Dr about it.


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## Timithy Dean (2 d ago)

Good luck. You really need to find a way to successfully make her realize that these things are too small to waste time being upset about. Life is short. But like seen above l, maybe do some more things to make her feel special, and remind her how much she is, and apologize in case you haven't been making her feel that as much as she should.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When someone is frazzled and rattled the littlest thing sets them off.

Being stuck in the house with a screaming (and running everywhere) one and a two year old would overwhelm most everyone.

She wants out of her prison. 

The lady is flailing.

Not everyone is made for that constant cacophony of babes.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She is looking to control you getting you to be apologetic about something so trivial. How’s your marriage otherwise? With 3 young kids, she may feel overwhelmed and that she’s lost herself to just be a mom. 

I know you said you help with the chores but how about with the kids? It may be a good idea to take over with the kids and give her a day or an afternoon to pamper herself. Maybe a spa day. 

It’s important that you not let yourself fall into a rut and not put into letting her know you appreciate and care for her as a woman. Surprise her with a gift for no reason. Take her out on a date night. You arrange for the childcare for a couple of hours and take her to a nice place where she can dress up and feel like beautiful woman.

How is your sex life. If she’s too tired for sex or just not in the mood but you’re after her for it, she could start fights over petty things to avoid intimacy.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So we just had a talk... I don't think there was that much progress...
> 
> I told her going thru thousands of videos and only finding 2 and being mad about it is "over the top"
> 
> ...


She has body image issues. Childbirth can do this to a woman. She might be in partial depression.

Good thing is that she has dropped a hint about how she is feeling, and you can do something about it.

I have some questions:

1. Do you compliment your wife?
2. Do you motivate her to work out with you?
3. Do you have quality outings with your wife?
4. Do you help your wife with managing and mentoring children?

These can be important steps for your wife to feel better about herself.

Do not dismiss her complaints as crazy talk. Give them some thought instead.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

JLCP said:


> I don't think this is the cause... but it might help improve things a bit-
> Perhaps encourage her to spend equal amount of free time doing what she wants to do on the weekend while you watch the kids and clean up after them? I Know that for a short time my mom worked Saturdays and my dad always made sure she came home to a clean house. Perhaps she could go shopping for a couple of hours for just something fun? I like to go makeup shopping every now and then and check out the displays. I spent many hours away with my daughter's dance and it was a lot of fun. There must be something she would enjoy doing without you- perhaps with or without a child.


Anyway… she needs to develop other interests besides just fixating on you. That is why I am suggesting that you encourage her to enjoy doing something on her own. If you can stop the fixation, you can stop her overreaction to trivial things. Also, it would be good to encourage her to have female friends/ connect with some other ppl. Perhaps she could meet other moms thru the kids activities or school? You indicate that she is Asian. Is there a group that meets to support their culture? She might feel more comfortable meeting ppl that way.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

jsmart said:


> She is looking to control you getting you to be apologetic about something so trivial. How’s your marriage otherwise? With 3 young kids, she may feel overwhelmed and that she’s lost herself to just be a mom.
> 
> I know you said you help with the chores but how about with the kids? It may be a good idea to take over with the kids and give her a day or an afternoon to pamper herself. Maybe a spa day.
> 
> ...


Building on this, I could add that perhaps she feels starved for some positive reinforcement from you? I read a book called “His Needs, Her Needs”. Summary of advice is to figure out what is important to ur wife in a mate and discover what qualities are important to you and rank them in order. Next step is to “put money into the bank” of your marriage through positive interaction. It sounds like you both need to focus on positive interaction.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

These people who think you should do more for her, take her to the spa, compliment her, take her out, and so forth are missing the point. That would just make things worse.

The whole problem is that you're letting her walk all over you. You need to set boundaries, decide what you will and will not tolerate, and let her know you won't be treated like this.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Firecat said:


> These people who think you should do more for her, take her to the spa, compliment her, take her out, and so forth are missing the point. That would just make things worse.
> 
> The whole problem is that you're letting her walk all over you. You need to set boundaries, decide what you will and will not tolerate, and let her know you won't be treated like this.


It is important to understand what OP's wife is going through. Maybe this couple has communication problems? Maybe the wife is deppressed?

She has hinted to him that she has body image issues in a recent argument which is a start.

I have asked him some questions. Let's see his response.

WE need a better picture of OP's marital situation because people can be very selective in explaining things. 

Talk about setting boundaries will be fruitful in view of other things that must be clarified.

OP has 3 children with his wife. She cannot be that bad.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> OP has 3 children with his wife. She cannot be that bad.


I'm not following this logic.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Firecat said:


> I'm not following this logic.


The two of them must have some chemistry, level of understanding, and compatibility for having children? Or the guy was completely blind to his wife's personality all along?

Whatever the situation is, OP must answer all questions truthfully so WE can help him.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy. For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday in the summers. I'm out of the house for a few hours and she's at home with the kids. She will act fine but when when we have any argument she will say "all you care about in life is playing baseball with your buddies" and throw it in my face. I honestly don't feel like getting "me time" like that once a week is anything too bad.
> 
> Similarly, I used to game online (from home) once a week with friends for 1.5-2 hrs after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.
> 
> She has never had a steady job. Thankfully I make enough to live comfortably so she does not need to. Her life is literally sitting at home and watching the kids all day. Part of me feels "I" am her hobby and she expects me to reciprocate the same.


Been there, done that, it's not much fun at all. It got better for me though but my solution was not a recommended way of handling the situation, although honestly I don't think it would have turned out the way it has any other way.

Long story short we broke up, and got back together. The problem is, wife didn't have any friends or hobbies either. She didn't want them, me and kids were enough. I need other people in my life beyond my family.

My advise is just keep taking your time for yourself, your full time job is to provide money to keep a roof over your heads, hers is to child mind so you can. The rest of the time should be split equally. 

Hopefully, you do things together too. But be firm on it.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

I'd probably divorce over this. If she's this insane I wouldn't want her as part of my life anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DamianDamian said:


> I'd probably divorce over this. If she's this insane I wouldn't want her as part of my life anymore.


This. 

It's not just going through thousands of youtube videos, it's the SILENT TREATMENT FOR A WEEK.

Very unhealthy toxic **** you behavior over nothing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Hmm, sorry she sounds a bit nuts.

One of the content creators for those “advice to men” channels is the girlfriend or fiancé of one of the watch hobby YouTubers and has been on her channel. So I checked out some of her videos and they show up occasionally in recommended or something on our Apple TVs (my account). My wife never said anything about it.

Consequently if rugged hiking mountain man shows up in recommended I just ask her, “who is that?” and she will say, “oh just this rugged through hiker mountain man living his best life” 👀

Freaking out over a couple YouTube videos, pretty odd.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm, sorry she sounds a bit nuts.
> 
> One of the content creators for those “advice to men” channels is the girlfriend or fiancé of one of the watch hobby YouTubers and has been on her channel. So I checked out some of her videos and they show up occasionally in recommended or something on our Apple TVs (my account). My wife never said anything about it.
> 
> ...


Not just freaking out, but silent treatment for a week. If this reaction is in her personality, it's gotta be showing up in other instances as well.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She sounds depressed to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy. For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday in the summers. I'm out of the house for a few hours and she's at home with the kids. She will act fine but when when we have any argument she will say "all you care about in life is playing baseball with your buddies" and throw it in my face. I honestly don't feel like getting "me time" like that once a week is anything too bad.
> 
> Similarly, I used to game online (from home) once a week with friends for 1.5-2 hrs after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.
> 
> She has never had a steady job. Thankfully I make enough to live comfortably so she does not need to. Her life is literally sitting at home and watching the kids all day. Part of me feels "I" am her hobby and she expects me to reciprocate the same.


If you have three children, 2 if them very small, I doubt she just 'sits around all day'. I had three children and I was in the go all day. I rarely sat down, no time. It's exhausting.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dormatte said:


> You're in for the hell ride of a lifetime...This is only the beginning...
> 
> 
> Buckle up or leave as soon as possible.
> ...


He has three young children. Your advise to run is awful.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

What was her reason behind going through your history? There's a reason as to why she did it and that same reason is the reason behind her getting upset at you for looking at a youtube video that explains to you how to notice when a women is interested in you. I do realize that it's very easy to get sucked in to the youtube rabbit hole - I find myself watching the dumbest things on youtube. How would you respond if you figured out that your wife was watching a video on youtube that would explain how to tell if a man is flirting with you. I was raised by southern baptist conservatives so I get the whole being raised under a fundamentalist thing and I'm a lot less stubborn than what I was when I was younger. Simple fact is that you crossed one of her boundaries with that video. Yes, it does sound like she's a bit insecure but there is a reason for it. Maybe she doesn't feel valued enough?


----------



## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> He has three young children. Your advise to run is awful.



No it isn't.

I said end the marriage.

I never said stop being a father.

Individual and personal mental health and wellness is important.


It isn't right to intentionally subject children to unhealthy relationships or environments.

Also it isn't right to normalize and define staying in toxic relationships and not protecting their own sanity and peace.

The hope is that by leaving it teaches them to not be someone's doormat, and the importance of self love and respect...that will hopefully transfer into adulthood.



Too many people have learned to stay in toxic relationships because they saw their guardians, and family constantly do it...and preach about it....


It all started in childhood for alot of people.

Alot of people have learnt and internalized these types of behaviors.



Divorce doesn't stop anyone from being a parent or trying to be...

That person does.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Something's not right with OP's wife per his descriptions of things. That's irrational behavior. He probably needs to get her evaluated. If things continue as OP describes it, then he better braces for things to come as she ages. It's going to get worse.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I told her for #1 I have no idea why I clicked on that and she asked "do you not love me anymore?!?" She absolutely is making it feel like I've cheated on her. *To the women here.... is this really a justifiable reason for a wife to be furious at her husband?*


The answer to your question is ABSOLUTELY NO, she is not justified in her anger and reaction. This is HER childishness and insecurity alone. Even if you had done something "wrong" in some way, this is NOT the way for a spouse to deal with anger and conflict!

I would insist on marriage counseling so you guys can find ways to communicate difficult feelings in more constructive ways.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Something's not right with OP's wife per his descriptions of things. That's irrational behavior. He probably needs to get her evaluated. If things continue as OP describes it, then he better braces for things to come as she ages. It's going to get worse.


It might appear irrational, but I don't believe it's out-of-control in any way - I think she is being very calculating and manipulative in order to punish him. This is how extremely spoiled, self-centered people behave, and the fact that she can keep it up for this long is chilling.


----------



## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Geez, I hope my hubby never clicks on my history. I watch videos because people intrigue me. For awhile it was "how to be a damsel in distress" and there was the "how to attract woman" ( I'm a woman who's not attracted to women lol) and there was the "why vegan is better for you" phase although I like meat and do not believe vegan is healthy. Lets not forget the "gender transformation" phase. I just like perspectives. If my hubby saw all that he'd think I'm a closet lesbian planning a great wallet takeover and he'll fear eating tofu for the rest of his life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Alan Victor-Kea said:



So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.

Click to expand...

*Jesus, the amount of estrogen in that house is off the charts. You already have my sympathy and I haven't even read the rest of your post yet.

*



She comes from an ultra-conservative religious family who was not allowed to have boyfriends etc when growing up. Her parents never really showed her affection as she was 1 of 6 siblings.

Click to expand...

*Not your problem, but I AM shocked you have all those kids considering she sounds like such a Puritan. Was it by Immaculate Conception? Jeez.

Well I'll be honest - you *knew* she was a pearl-clutching prude going in, right? I mean, it's not like she was a party girl then did a complete 180 after you married her. You knew what she was going in, so unfortunately, you bought this ticket to the Terror Dome with your eyes wide open. That doesn't mean you have to live in Hell for the rest of your life while Polly Pure Bread cries every time she finds out you watched a music video or some TikTok clickbait idiocy that we all fall for. Jesus, is this REALLY her biggest issue in life? Pathetic.

Time to man the hell up, don't you think OP? Seriously, it's time man up and find your voice.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You need marriage counseling, not divorce.

My initial thought about a spouse going through your history is that your spouse is probably cheating and projecting, but I don’t feel that’s the case here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The thing about your wife's actions -- the silent treatement -- shows emotional immaturity in trying to manipulate you.
The silent treatment is NOT a viable solution in a marriage. COMMUNICATION is. She needs to grow up a bit and TALK to you.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> The thing about your wife's actions -- the silent treatement -- shows emotional immaturity in trying to manipulate you.
> The silent treatment is NOT a viable solution in a marriage. COMMUNICATION is. She needs to grow up a bit and TALK to you.


My wife did the silent treatment years ago. She doesn’t any longer. People can learn and improve.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dormatte said:


> No it isn't.
> 
> I said end the marriage.
> 
> ...


The children have 2 parents and need those parents to be there. She hasn't cheated or beat him up. She doesn't take drugs with the children around. She doesn't abuse the children.She doesn't get drunk every day It's something very minor that you are advising him to walk out on his children for and blow up their lives. Unbelievable.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> The thing about your wife's actions -- the silent treatement -- shows emotional immaturity in trying to manipulate you.
> The silent treatment is NOT a viable solution in a marriage. COMMUNICATION is. She needs to grow up a bit and TALK to you.


I am sure this can be worked out with some good MC.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> It might appear irrational, but I don't believe it's out-of-control in any way - I think she is being very calculating and manipulative in order to punish him. This is how extremely spoiled, self-centered people behave, and the fact that she can keep it up for this long is chilling.


Sadly it's pretty common for people to give the silent treatment. My dad used to do it. It's certainly not something to walk out on your family for.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You provide massive stability for her. What is going to wake her up is to threaten that stability, like tell her that she is acting immature and insecure, and that you are going to have a discussion with an attorney.

Be prepared, this behavior of hers is going to get worse, not better over time.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly it's pretty common for people to give the silent treatment. My dad used to do it. It's certainly not something to walk out on your family for.


Again: Getting a divorce isn't "walking out on your family".


----------



## Firecat (5 d ago)

Dormatte said:


> It isn't right to intentionally subject children to unhealthy relationships or environments.
> 
> Also it isn't right to normalize and define staying in toxic relationships and not protecting their own sanity and peace.
> 
> The hope is that by leaving it teaches them to not be someone's doormat, and the importance of self love and respect...that will hopefully transfer into adulthood.





re16 said:


> You provide massive stability for her. What is going to wake her up is to threaten that stability, like tell her that she is acting immature and insecure, and that you are going to have a discussion with an attorney.
> 
> Be prepared, this behavior of hers is going to get worse, not better over time.


Some good words of wisdom here. You owe it to your kids to not tolerate abuse and set boundaries. Take back some control. Do you want them to end up in an abusive relationship?


----------



## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The children have 2 parents and need those parents to be there. She hasn't cheated or beat him up. She doesn't take drugs with the children around. She doesn't abuse the children.She doesn't get drunk every day It's something very minor that you are advising him to walk out on his children for and blow up their lives. Unbelievable.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> Pretty sure she wouldn't search anywhere beyond reddit for forums/advice. Even if she did find it I'd love for her to read the replies...


This is a telling response. It's passive-aggressive on your part to want her to find the responses that favor your point of view. That's an immature way to see any conflict. My team/your team. It also sounds like you just want a bunch of people to agree with you that she's being ridiculous. That is not conducive to solving the problem at hand. You get a pat on the head and then what? Your wife is still mad.

There are always two separate realities in any relationship -- and regardless of how irrational* you *think she is, her reality is her reality. If she's insecure, getting defensive about your watch history is absolutely the wrong way to respond. You don't have to think there's anything wrong with your watch history. You do have to consider her feelings -- if you care about her feelings. Downplaying it, minimizing it and invalidating her feelings will only lead to resentment.

It's also very telling that you think she "sits at home all day" if she is the primary caregiver of your children.

I don't think your problem is the YouTube watch history. I think your problem is the dynamic in your marriage where you feel entitled to "me time" but can't understand why she would want adult time with you -- if she's spending literally all of her time with children. Children are EXHAUSTING.

When was the last time you went out of your way to woo her? Make her feel wanted? Appreciated? What is her love language?

Write her a note and place it on her nightstand. "You are the most beautiful woman in the world. I love your body. I want you all the time. I would never do anything to hurt you. I'm sorry if my behavior made you feel unwanted or unloved. That's the last thing I want. I know we haven't been dating each other much lately. We've been wrapped up in other things -- work, kids, chores, etc. Thank you for taking care of me and our family. I appreciate everything you do for us. I'll get a babysitter and take you to dinner on Saturday. Wear something I can remove easily. XOXO"

It's always easier to focus on the other person's behavior than it is our own. Sure -- her insecurities are most likely unwarranted, but we are only getting one side of the story. Yours. And anytime someone tries to paint another person as completely irrational and crazy, my radar always lights up like a Christmas tree. Because if you were interested in resolving the issue in a way that considers both sides, you wouldn't be so keen to throw her under the bus.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

bewilderness said:


> "You are the most beautiful woman in the world. I love your body. I want you all the time. I would never do anything to hurt you. I'm sorry if my behavior made you feel unwanted or unloved. That's the last thing I want. I know we haven't been dating each other much lately. We've been wrapped up in other things -- work, kids, chores, etc. Thank you for taking care of me and our family. I appreciate everything you do for us. I'll get a babysitter and take you to dinner on Saturday. Wear something I can remove easily. XOXO"


That's a lot of words to say "I am a doormat."

Appeasing and supplicating to abusive spouses who don't respect you never works. I don't understand why people suggest this kind of thing.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> This is a telling response. It's passive-aggressive on your part to want her to find the responses that favor your point of view. That's an immature way to see any conflict. My team/your team. It also sounds like you just want a bunch of people to agree with you that she's being ridiculous. That is not conducive to solving the problem at hand. You get a pat on the head and then what? Your wife is still mad.
> 
> There are always two separate realities in any relationship -- and regardless of how irrational* you *think she is, her reality is her reality. If she's insecure, getting defensive about your watch history is absolutely the wrong way to respond. You don't have to think there's anything wrong with your watch history. You do have to consider her feelings -- if you care about her feelings. Downplaying it, minimizing it and invalidating her feelings will only lead to resentment.
> 
> ...


I know you have good intentions but this is probably not the way to go.


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

re16 said:


> You provide massive stability for her. What is going to wake her up is to threaten that stability, like tell her that she is acting immature and insecure, and that you are going to have a discussion with an attorney.
> 
> Be prepared, this behavior of hers is going to get worse, not better over time.


Oh ffs. She ALSO provides massive stability for him. Without her, he would need to take on every single job -- yes, job -- that she covers: childcare, errands, grocery shopping, meal planning, housework, keeping a constant mental inventory of household supplies, prescriptions, who needs what, schoolwork, kid activities, etc.

Financial stability is not the only kind of stability that matters or counts. If only we valued the free labor/indentured servitude of stay-at-home parents the way that we value paid labor. And I say that as someone who has literally been in both roles -- primary breadwinner and stay-at-home parent (at different times in my life).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> Oh ffs. She ALSO provides massive stability for him. Without her, he would need to take on every single job -- yes, job -- that she covers: childcare, errands, grocery shopping, meal planning, housework, keeping a constant mental inventory of household supplies, prescriptions, who needs what, schoolwork, kid activities, etc.
> 
> Financial stability is not the only kind of stability that matters or counts. If only we valued the free labor/indentured servitude of stay-at-home parents the way that we value paid labor. And I say that as someone who has literally been in both roles -- primary breadwinner and stay-at-home parent (at different times in my life).


Which isn't impossible. There are a lot of single divorced successful Dad's, and Moms too.

Kids aren't prison wardens. It can be done.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Firecat said:


> That's a lot of words to say "I am a doormat."
> 
> Appeasing and supplicating to abusive spouses who don't respect you never works. I don't understand why people suggest this kind of thing.


She isn't abusive. She's likely depressed, exhausted and definitely insecure. She isn't banning him from seeing family and friends. She hasn't stalked him, hit him, called him names, etc. She isn't controlling his finances or prohibiting him from engaging in activities he enjoys. 

She's raising 3 children -- which he described as "sitting at home all day." Weird how nearly everyone ignored that bit. That's an extremely hostile (and almost jealous-sounding) way to describe child-rearing.

Abusive? Lol. No. Immature? Sure. But it sounds like they both are.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Which isn't impossible. There are a lot of single divorced successful Dad's, and Moms too.
> 
> Kids aren't prison wardens. It can be done.


I am well aware from firsthand experience. I am also well aware that it isn't easy -- on anyone.


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I know you have good intentions but this is probably not the way to go.


It's an alternative to the MAN UP STOP BEING A WEANIE PUT HER IN HER PLACE approach that dominates 'round these parts. She's not cheating on him ffs. She's sad about her body.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> The silent treatment is NOT a viable solution in a marriage. COMMUNICATION is.


That. A million times that. Ongoing hardships in a relationship are often because one person is not being heard. And the silent treatment WILL kill a relationship over time. It's a punishment and punishment is not a healthy way to resolve differences.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> I am well aware from firsthand experience. I am also well aware that it isn't easy -- on anyone.


True, but why think kids are only and solely exhausting when big picture that isn't the case.

Too many times kids are sadly used as the excuse a spouse gives when they themselves are getting too lazy in a couple's marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> It's an alternative to the MAN UP STOP BEING A WEANIE PUT HER IN HER PLACE approach that dominates 'round these parts. She's not cheating on him ffs. She's sad about her body.


Did I say she was cheating? Did I somehow sleep text??


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> True, but why think kids are only and solely exhausting when big picture that isn't the case.
> 
> Too many times kids are sadly used as the excuse a spouse gives when they themselves are getting too lazy in a couple's marriage.


Spoken like someone who has never been home alone all day for years with 3 children (2 of whom are baby/toddler stage).


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Did I say she was cheating? Did I somehow sleep text??


It's okay. Subtext isn't for everyone.

You are reacting to her reaction as if it is on par with someone who has committed egregious acts such as infidelity. She had an insecure reaction to something that she thinks _confirms_ the way she feels about her own body. It may be irrational and ridiculous on some level, but it's not abuse. Not even close.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> Spoken like someone who has never been home alone all day for years with 3 children (2 of whom are baby/toddler stage).


Yep. You got me. No kids or grandkids here.

That does make me wonder who broke in my house and left all these toys and tiny clothes.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep. You got me. No kids or grandkids here.
> 
> That does make me wonder who broke in my house and left all these toys and tiny clothes.


👀


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bewilderness said:


> It's okay. Subtext isn't for everyone.
> 
> You are reacting to her reaction as if it is on par with someone who has committed egregious acts such as infidelity. She had an insecure reaction to something that she thinks _confirms_ the way she feels about her own body. It may be irrational and ridiculous on some level, but it's not abuse. Not even close.


Read OP's other comments. It's not just going through thousands of youtube videos in his history, then giving massive silent treatment (which is twisted, and way more than an "insecure reaction").

It's her ongoing reactions to him trying to do a couple of things outside the home over the years. 

It is not only nuts, it's controlling and stifling. And dysfunctional.


----------



## Firecat (5 d ago)

bewilderness said:


> You are reacting to her reaction as if it is on par with someone who has committed egregious acts such as infidelity. She had an insecure reaction to something that she thinks _confirms_ the way she feels about her own body. It may be irrational and ridiculous on some level, but it's not abuse. Not even close.





bewilderness said:


> She isn't abusive. She's likely depressed, exhausted and definitely insecure. She isn't banning him from seeing family and friends. She hasn't stalked him, hit him, called him names, etc. She isn't controlling his finances or prohibiting him from engaging in activities he enjoys.


That isn't at all clear to me. Look at what he says:



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy. For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday in the summers. I'm out of the house for a few hours and she's at home with the kids. She will act fine but when when we have any argument she will say "all you care about in life is playing baseball with your buddies" and throw it in my face. I honestly don't feel like getting "me time" like that once a week is anything too bad.
> 
> Similarly, I used to game online (from home) once a week with friends for 1.5-2 hrs after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> It's okay. Subtext isn't for everyone.
> 
> You are reacting to her reaction as if it is on par with someone who has committed egregious acts such as infidelity. She had an insecure reaction to something that she thinks _confirms_ the way she feels about her own body. It may be irrational and ridiculous on some level, but it's not abuse. Not even close.


Pretzel much?


----------



## Firecat (5 d ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep. You got me. No kids or grandkids here.
> 
> That does make me wonder who broke in my house and left all these toys and tiny clothes.


I'm thinking elves.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Pretzel much?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

We might be selling the wife’s point of view a bit short. After all we haven’t seen how good the bikini video in question is. Just for evaluation purposes of course.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Firecat said:


> I'm thinking elves.


Outstanding!

If they would only do lawns too!


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Firecat said:


> That isn't at all clear to me. Look at what he says:


Oh, I read it. "I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy."

I also read it as "I consistently prioritize my own wants, needs and interests over the fact that I have 3 children and a wife who is at home with them. And I don't want to be inconvenienced by how it affects my wife -- or made to feel any kind of guilt or responsibility."

I guarantee that it's not a couple of hours a week. They don't practice for the games on Sunday? And anyone who plays video games knows that it can be an all-night marathon kind of thing. He's downplaying his time investment in other things -- I would bet my life on it.

When children are that young, the "boys will be boys" type of activities need to be dead last -- and rarely are. Men continue to behave as if nothing has changed for them....because it hasn't. They are not taking on additional work at home. 

Sorry but bills are paid once a month. Trash is taken out every couple of days. The driveway is plowed - what - a few times a year?

Her job doesn't end at 5 pm. Or _ever_. The unseen workload is real -- and while it's not the OP's presenting problem, he clearly values his own work and contributions to the family over hers. His own time over hers. And his feelings over hers. 









You should’ve asked


Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories : Orders available here or here or here ^_^ Thanks Una from unadtranslation.…




english.emmaclit.com





There's way more going on here than a bikini video. It's easy to pile on and say she's 100% of their problems though -- so enjoy.


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep. You got me. No kids or grandkids here.
> 
> That does make me wonder who broke in my house and left all these toys and tiny clothes.


You're a full-time stay at home dad/grandad of adult children AND young grandchildren? Sure, Jan.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whet


Firecat said:


> Some good words of wisdom here. You owe it to your kids to not tolerate abuse and set boundaries. Take back some control. Do you want them to end up in an abusive relationship?


Abuse is the most misused term. It's offensive to those who really are abused when its used in cases like this which clearly isn't abuse at all.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

bewilderness said:


> She's not cheating on him ffs. She's sad about her body.


And acting like a completely manipulative controlling asshole.
She needs to fix her own problems. The OP does not need to put himself in an emotional prison because his wife has low self-esteem. 
The fact that what she is punishing him for is an accidental clickbait article and something else that can be seen in a Sears catalog or a Walmart flyer is utterly absurd. She needs to get to a psychiatric doctor a soon as possible.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bewilderness said:


> You're a full-time stay at home dad/grandad of adult children AND young grandchildren? Sure, Jan.


Well ok Sport. If that makes you feel better. 

Who's Jan and what have you done with her?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Whet
> 
> Abuse is the most misused term. It's offensive to those who really are abused when its used in cases like this which clearly isn't abuse at all.


It's called emotional abuse, it's a real thing, it does real damage, and it's what this woman did giving her husband the silent treatment for a week over nothing.

Look it up if you don't believe it.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bewilderness said:


> Oh, I read it. "I'm constantly feeling guilty about doing things I enjoy."
> 
> I also read it as "I consistently prioritize my own wants, needs and interests over the fact that I have 3 children and a wife who is at home with them. And I don't want to be inconvenienced by how it affects my wife -- or made to feel any kind of guilt or responsibility."
> 
> ...


Spare me. 

A man can have an occasional activity in life, even if he has children. Read what the OP wrote. He didn't say he was spending oodles of time away from home. It was minimal. You are totally making up stories about the activity, things he didn't say. 

Sorry (pfft) but handling the family's finances is time consuming. You ever done it?

Oh and my credentials... since you seem to be asking for them from posters giving advice....SAHM for 13 years.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I did suggest therapy and she said something to the effect of "Whats that going to help with?"


Tell her that the therapist may help you understand why she's so upset over those videos and how she feels and may be able to tell you what you can do to make things better with her. In other words, present therapy in terms of helping you work things out with her instead of trying to fix her because she's wrong. She may have some legitimate points you are missing or real problems that you need to understand better so you can work things out with her, so it's not a lie. It's a friendlier way to spin it. If she is skeptical or asks for what you have in mind, you could tell her that it's difficult for you to understand why she hates her body because you don't. Tell her that you need help to understand her better. Also not a lie because you don't understand why she's reacting the way she is. The goal is to get her into therapy.


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Spare me.
> 
> A man can have an occasional activity in life, even if he has children. Read what the OP wrote. He didn't say he was spending oodles of time away from home. It was minimal. You are totally making up stories about the activity, things he didn't say.
> 
> ...


I have been a single parent for years. So yes. I’ve done the family finances. 🤣

You’re a SAHM and you’re ignoring the fact that he described motherhood as “sitting at home”? Found the pick me!


----------



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Livvie said:


> It's called emotional abuse, it's a real thing, it does real damage, and it's what this woman did giving her husband the silent treatment for a week over nothing.
> 
> Look it up if you don't believe it.


The silent treatment is not abuse. Full stop. 

I don’t recommend it, nor have I ever employed it — but under no circumstances is it abuse. 

What it is is one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. And not at all a good thing.
But GTHOOH with the overdramatizing.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bewilderness said:


> The silent treatment is not abuse. Full stop.
> 
> I don’t recommend it, nor have I ever employed it — but under no circumstances is it abuse.
> 
> ...



Wrong. It is abuse. Full stop.

Look it up. 

And a week? Totally excessive.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bewilderness said:


> I have been a single parent for years. So yes. I’ve done the family finances. 🤣
> 
> You’re a SAHM and you’re ignoring the fact that he described motherhood as “sitting at home”? Found the pick me!


So? No one said I had to address every single written word of OP's.

Not currently a SAHM. Kids are now in college.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bewilderness said:


> I have been a single parent for years. So yes. I’ve done the family finances. 🤣
> 
> You’re a SAHM and you’re ignoring the fact that he described motherhood as “sitting at home”? Found the pick me!


However...OP says his wife spends the day on the couch watching TV while she "monitors" the yongest kids. Hence, she sits. And she isn't interested in leaving the house and doing stuff.

You really are trying to demonize his language.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So what led her to go online to see what you were doing? 

So you mentioned hobbies on weekends, 1-2 hours gaming every night after work, working full time. As well as a list of chores you do.

How many minutes a day do you give your wife and children your full, undivided attention? What sort of activities do you engage in with your kids and wife?

I don’t like that snarky comment about how you’d love her to read the bulk of the responses, who are favouring you, who got caught doing something t online and then gave a raft of explanations kinda like the one that goes, ‘oh he/she is just a friend’.

But back to my questions, tell us what you’re like at home and how you contribute to activities with your wife and kids?


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## heather42 (2 mo ago)

bewilderness said:


> The silent treatment is not abuse. Full stop.
> 
> I don’t recommend it, nor have I ever employed it — but under no circumstances is it abuse.
> 
> ...


I agree with Livvie giving someone the silent treatment about a small thing for a *whole week* is abuse.

If he "set the house on fire" it would be different, but that's not the case.


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## heather42 (2 mo ago)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So we just had a talk... I don't think there was that much progress...
> 
> I told her going thru thousands of videos and only finding 2 and being mad about it is "over the top"
> 
> ...


She sounds really depressed and needs help.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Firecat said:


> Some good words of wisdom here. You owe it to your kids to not tolerate abuse and set boundaries. Take back some control. Do you want them to end up in an abusive relationship?


Well, the kids aren’t really living with a mature father. I’m not sure how’s it abusive that the wife has had enough of his disinterest in the life outside YouTube and gaming and weekend hobbies. Sounds like the mother is at her wits end and crying for an invested father and husband. 

He seems to be online a lot and isn’t here to help his marriage from a mature adult standpoint. Gaming, YouTubing and sport all the time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He wants a list of posts that validate him.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> However...OP says his wife spends the day on the couch watching TV while she "monitors" the yongest kids. Hence, she sits. And she isn't interested in leaving the house and doing stuff.





Luckylucky said:


> Well, the kids aren’t really living with a mature father. I’m not sure how’s it abusive that the wife has had enough of his disinterest in the life outside YouTube and gaming and weekend hobbies. Sounds like the mother is at her wits end and crying for an invested father and husband.


There are two other possibilities here. One is the neither of them is doing enough for the other. The other is that both are doing enough and the other one is being unreasonable. They both sound at least a little self-centered and imperfect to me.

There are couples where housework doesn't get done very well by the stay-at-home mom and the husband spends a lot of time on work and hobbies and they're fine because they don't expect or need more from each other and accept each other's flaws without resentment. The unhappiness problem isn't only how much they do or don't for each other but what they expect and need from each other.

What's reasonable or unreasonable to do, need, or want? I don't think there is a fixed answer to that. I do think a counselor could act as a neutral arbitrator for those negotiations and might even help them realize that they're both part of the problem and can both be part of the solution before this leads to contempt and divorce. If one needs more from the other, maybe they should do more for the other. And if they're not willing to do more for the other, maybe they should expect less.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> There are two other possibilities here. One is the neither of them is doing enough for the other. The other is that both are doing enough and the other one is being unreasonable. They both sound at least a little self-centered and imperfect to me.
> 
> There are couples where housework doesn't get done very well by the stay-at-home mom and the husband spends a lot of time on work and hobbies and they're fine because they don't expect or need more from each other and accept each other's flaws without resentment. The unhappiness problem isn't only how much they do or don't for each other but what they expect and need from each other.
> 
> What's reasonable or unreasonable to do, need, or want? I don't think there is a fixed answer to that. I do think a counselor could act as a neutral arbitrator for those negotiations and might even help them realize that they're both part of the problem and can both be part of the solution before this leads to contempt and divorce. If one needs more from the other, maybe they should do more for the other. And if they're not willing to do more for the other, maybe they should expect less.


If you read his replies, you’ll notice he admits he’s amazed at how much she does considering the 3 kids etc. She does 100% of the cooking and looks after the children well while he’s at sport and immersed in his hobbies. We all know gaming never just stays at 1-2 hours. So she’s able to attend to dinner, all meals and keep the house clean, occupying the 3 kids while he has his downtime. He hasn’t at all indicated how much time or focus he gives to anyone when he’s at home. 

So by his own admission… he at least has a meal, clean house and well-occupied children at the end of anything he does for himself. 

I was very saddened by how much blame he wants to place on her by showing her some of these posts. Yikes!


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> If you read his replies, you’ll notice he admits he’s amazed at how much she does considering the 3 kids etc. She does 100% of the cooking and looks after the children well while he’s at sport and immersed in his hobbies. We all know gaming never just stays at 1-2 hours. So she’s able to attend to dinner, all meals and keep the house clean, occupying the 3 kids while he has his downtime. He hasn’t at all indicated how much time or focus he gives to anyone when he’s at home.


I did read his replies. Carefully. Let me quote his messages. He wrote:



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> For example, I play adult league baseball every Sunday *in the summers*. I'm out of the house for *a few hours* and she's at home with the kids.
> 
> [...]
> 
> Similarly, I *used to* game online (from home) *once a week* with friends for *1.5-2 hrs* after work but have had to give that up because I'm guilt tripped if I spend even an extra hour away from helping her out with the kids.


He played baseball on Sunday for a few hours (let's assume ~4-5 hours for a baseball game and some socializing) in the summers, not all year round. Do you think that's unreasonable?

I have friends who computer game online only on certain days a week at fixed times. You assume that can't happen but it does. He also stated he used to game (in past) once a week. Even if it was 4 or 6 hours one night a week, do you think that's unreasonable? You seem to be imagining him still spending hours every night gaming. That's not what he wrote. That's what you are imagining.

Concerning what his wife does, he wrote:



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> Usually she is on the couch watching TV while monitoring the 2 younger kids throughout the day. When they nap she takes care of a few things like tidying up.
> 
> She does 100% of the cooking, *though 3 nights a week we usually order something*... I would say she does a decent job of keeping the house clean considering the 3 kids. *I do chores like the laundry, garbage, paying the bills, manage finances*. If she was on her own she would have no clue on how to pay insurance, mortgage, taxes, etc.


He doesn't sound all that amazed to me. 3 nights a week (almost half the time) they order food (paid for by his job) so she does't have to cook. He does laundry, deals with the garbage, pays the bills, and manages their finances, which he says she has no clue how to do. She doesn't make all the meals, doesn't do all of the cleaning (he does the laundry and garbage), and let's not forget that he has a full time job that supports his family and might have his own needs. You say, "He hasn’t at all indicated how much time or focus he gives to anyone when he’s at home." so you simply assume he doesn't spend any time or give any focus to that by assuming he spends all of his time doing his own thing, which isn't what he said at all.



Luckylucky said:


> So by his own admission… he at least has a meal, clean house and well-occupied children at the end of anything he does for himself.


By his own admission, nearly half the week, they order out for those meals so she doesn't have to cook them, he has clean clothes because he does the laundry himself, he takes the garbage out, and her children are "well-occupied" by her sitting "on the couch watching TV", yet you make it sound like she's some sort of Mother of the Year so you can demonize him. No, I'm not saying she's a bad mother. I'm saying your description of their household bears little resemblance to what he's actually written.



Luckylucky said:


> I was very saddened by how much blame he wants to place on her by showing her some of these posts. Yikes!


Is he trying to blame her? For what, exactly? Or is he trying to show her that he's not the only one who thinks her reaction is unreasonable?

Personally, I think he should try to understand why she's reacting that way. And that's where I think a big issue is being overlooked. I come from an area with a large South Asian population.



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> She comes from an ultra-conservative religious family who was not allowed to have boyfriends etc when growing up. Her parents never really showed her affection as she was 1 of 6 siblings.





Alan Victor-Kea said:


> I have tried... this is really the root of the problem. Her family immigrated here when she was a kid and refused to let her have friends outside of her culture (South Asian). Her reason is "I had 5 siblings why did I need friends"


His wife has led a sheltered life. She never had a lot of friends and likely few role-models. She might be unfamiliar with or uncomfortable with the prevailing culture and maybe even the language. She's likely lonely and insecure and doesn't fit in well with many of the people around him. I don't think any of that makes her a bad person but it doesn't make her a saint, either. It suggests she has some issues that need to be worked out.

Her husband wants to go out and do things. He wants to play baseball and game online with friends. That doesn't make him a bad person or a saint, either. And I do think he should try to be tolerant and understanding with his wife and help her work out the issues. He's offered counseling to her and she doesn't want it.

If they both focus on their own needs without tolerating each other's needs, this isn't going to end well. I don't think focusing on "blame" is helpful here either way. They either need to expect and need less or deliver more and that needs to be negotiated, not by branding either on the villain. They also likely need to understand either other better. They don't seem to be able to work through this by talking it out so I do think a counselor would be helpful.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> She comes from an ultra-conservative religious family who was not allowed to have boyfriends etc when growing up. Her parents never really showed her affection as she was 1 of 6 siblings.


I'm willing to bet that the silent treatment is simply a learned behaviour from her family of origin, it's likely the only strategy her mother had to express displeasure with the father since challenging one's husband openly probably wasn't allowed. Unless something comes along that teaches us differently (maybe marriage classes?) we tend to carry that behavioural blueprint into our relationships later in life.

I also get the impression that she's depressed or frustrated or unhappy and is floundering because she lacks the skills to deal with her feelings appropriately.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

He ignored the sex question but I'd be surprised if they had much of a sexual connection, or really any romance or making out.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Anyone trying to pin this on him is just as nuts as she is. This is ABUSE. 
I once had a gf that would lose it at me whenever an attractive women crossed our path or jogged past our car - whether I glanced at her or not. I tried my best to walk on eggshells and keep her happy - I was young - didn't work. She ended up cheating on me and leaving me. She's now had 14 'relationships' over 6 years one immediately after the other.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Alan Victor-Kea said:


> So I am 39m, wife is 35f. We have 3 kids (1f, 2f, 9f) and have been married for 12 years.
> 
> a video of "how to tell if a woman likes you" that I watched in July of 2022. Admittedly this was a clickbaity title/thumbnail and I watched the whole video. I had watched other content from this creator about "confidence at work" "leading with charisma" etc and this was suggested to me.


If any of the wives of TAM watched the entirety of a video entitled “How to tell if a man likes you,” I feel like this wouldn’t get the same response.

The content of a video like that (and what it implies) absolutely would matter to most people in a marriage.

I find it very puzzling that people are skipping right over that as if is completely innocuous . He didn’t watch 30 seconds of that one. He watched the whole thing. It’s more than a little weird — given the fact that he’s married. Why does he need tips on dating new women?

Given the timeline he provided and the ages of his children, his wife would have most likely been very pregnant or recovering from childbirth. I’d be alarmed too.

Wheres there’s smoke, there’s fire. If she’s suspicious (and he has a tendency to downplay his behavior as a “stupid thing to be upset about”), there’s more to this than just reducing her to the paranoid, crazy south Asian lady.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

bewilderness said:


> If any of the wives of TAM watched the entirety of a video entitled “How to tell if a man likes you,” I feel like this wouldn’t get the same response.
> 
> The content of a video like that (and what it implies) absolutely would matter to most people in a marriage.
> 
> ...


it is completely innocuous and not weird.
do you really never watch or look at random stuff online?


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Firecat said:


> it is completely innocuous and not weird.
> do you really never watch or look at random stuff online?


I watch things I’m interested in. Things that will benefit me in some way. Literally everything I’m subscribed to on YouTube is either DIY/home improvement and repairs, furniture building, makeup tutorials, cooking, a ton of photographers and a few van life couples.

I can’t imagine being watching videos about snagging new potential partners while I’m in a committed relationship. It seems wholly unnecessary…and a complete waste of time.

Also…if he’s wasting time watching YouTube, why is that not described as sitting around? The way he describes his wife is less than flattering. There’s something off about the way he described himself, his behavior is that of the perfect provider husband (literally doesn’t see anything wrong with anything he is doing — all of the problems they are having are on her).

There are two people here and only one of them is ****e talking his spouse on the internet and passive aggressively hoping she sees what people think of her. And it’s bizarre to me that none of his actions are under scrutiny.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I always find it amusing when these guys marry rigid, sexually repressed, sex-negative women, and then come here and complain that their wives are rigid, sexually repressed and sex-negative. 

I know he hasn't specifically stated anything about their marital sex life (even though the question was posed to him) but this is pretty over the top and IMHO pretty indicative of a very uptight, insecure and rigid person.


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## heather42 (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I always find it amusing when these guys marry rigid, sexually repressed, sex-negative women, and then come here and complain that their wives are rigid, sexually repressed and sex-negative.
> 
> I know he hasn't specifically stated anything about their marital sex life (even though the question was posed to him) but this is pretty over the top and IMHO pretty indicative of a very uptight, insecure and rigid person.


They have three kids. My guess is there's sex involved.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There's obviously a lot more going on in this relationship that we don't know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

heather42 said:


> They have three kids. My guess is there's sex involved.


Rigid, sexually repressed, sex-negative people brought up in rigid, traditional and even purity cultures always have a lot of kids. 

They are doing their duty to their families and their religion to procreate. 

So they do have sex. They just don't enjoy it. It's a nasty task they have to do in order to give their parents grandchildren and to do what their religious elders tell them to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I look forward to dumping the next woman that tries giving me the silent treatment again. It absolutely is a form of abuse, and it’s a weapon that when wielded effectively, gets used over and over.

I tend to agree with the gamer comments. I’ve never seen a gamer play 1-2hrs a week. One has to play lots of hours to even begin to get good at that crap. So I do wonder what else he’s downplaying on his end.
He wants her to read the comments? Yeah he isn’t able to voice his concerns. And he’s allowing the silent treatment because he’s afraid of her.

Time To communicate and find out why she’s feeling unloved, unappreciated…. Whether it’s fair or not fair for her to feel that way, she does. OP had best figure out how to fix it or face having a screwed up life.

I’m banking on a non existent sex life. OP hasn’t addressed that, hasn’t been back in a while. Gotta be a reason.


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## heather42 (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> There's obviously a lot more going on in this relationship that we don't know.


Definitely.

The guy only did seven posts. From what I gather this doesn't seem like a horrible marriage. He works hard outside the house, she raises the three kids, does most of the cooking and cleaning.

He has some hobbies she feels neglected. IDK.

They need some marriage counseling or, somehow, become better friends with each other, sit down and talk together about what they want out of life.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

I think it sounds horrible and this is the best option:



Alan Victor-Kea said:


> She also mentioned, *"I'm just going to run away, you can have your mom move in and help with the kids"* etc.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Rigid, sexually repressed, sex-negative people brought up in rigid, traditional and even purity cultures always have a lot of kids.
> 
> They are doing their duty to their families and their religion to procreate.
> 
> So they do have sex. They just don't enjoy it. It's a nasty task they have to do in order to give their parents grandchildren and to do what their religious elders tell them to do.


I do not speak for everybody in South Asia but I would insist that this is an extreme take on how relationships work here, particularly in urban environments. Many are raised here to value marriage and family values which serves them well in the long-term. But modern education provides awareness and many will marry with the intent of having a fulfilling life with a decent life-partner while being marriage-conforming.

There is no need for a woman to sleep around to prove her sexual worth to men here. She has hormones and feelings just like women around the world, and will be sexually responsive to her husband. _Unless_ she has a medical condition or depression.

I married a virgin and I do not find her even remotely close to being sexually repressed or sex-negative - she has a healthy frame of mind but with excellent self-control, and saved herself for marriage.

American lifestyle encourage hyper-sexuality and women respond to it just like men - this shape your perception which is understandable. *But* I have observed that women have excellent capacity for self-control if they are trained to this effect. Culture can be impactful.



Firecat said:


> I think it sounds horrible and this is the best option:


This type of statement is made by a person who is NOT happy but has partial depression. I suspect emotional disconnect between OP and his wife which isn't good for both. I suspect that the problem exist on a much deeper level than OP's revelations in this thread.


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## Big_Jim59 (Apr 14, 2019)

When my wife and I were first dating, many years ago. she gave me the silent treatment for three days. "what's wrong?" "Nothing!" "Are you made at me?" "NO!" That kind of thing. She came over to my place and proceeded to be cold and pissed. I told her "you are obvously mad at me about something. I don't know what it is so why don't you go home and leave me alone until you get over it or can tell me what I did to you." She left but came back 30 minutes later crying and apologetic. It took me a long time to drag it out of her but it seems that she had a dream that I was fooling around with a girl at work. She really was mad at me over a dream!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

bewilderness said:


> The silent treatment is not abuse. Full stop.
> 
> I don’t recommend it, nor have I ever employed it — but under no circumstances is it abuse.
> 
> ...


For ME, in my relationship experience, you are WRONG.

I guess what you are willfully refusing to acknowledge is that YOUR experience isn't the standard for anyone else's...so while the silent treatment isn't abuse to you (or you have never had it used in an abusive way against you), that doesn't mean it's the same for someone else. You are sharing your beliefs...not any kind of universal facts.

It's helpful for you to give your opinion to the OP about his situation...it's not helpful or respectful to sarcastically minimize or negate the experience of others who are also giving their opinions to the OP.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> I do not speak for everybody in South Asia but I would insist that this is an extreme take on how relationships work here, particularly in urban environments. Many are raised here to value marriage and family values which serves them well in the long-term. But modern education provides awareness and many will marry with the intent of having a fulfilling life with a decent life-partner while being marriage-conforming.
> 
> There is no need for a woman to sleep around to prove her sexual worth to men here. She has hormones and feelings just like women around the world, and will be sexually responsive to her husband. _Unless_ she has a medical condition or depression.
> 
> ...


I do not dispute anything you’ve said and I was not commenting or making any kind of comment on south Asian culture specifically or even in general. 

My comment was in regards to another comment implying that they must have some sort of marital sex life because they have 3 kids.

My was that many very rigid, repressed, sex-negative people have kids. Sometimes quite a few of them. But that doesn’t mean that they have a ‘good’ sex life at all.

Many of those people have sex out of family and religious duty to procreate and not that they like it.

One of my best friends was married for 12 years, had 2 kids and 1 miscarriage. He straight up told me that they had sex maybe half a dozen times in that whole 12 years.

The only time she ever let him touch her was when she wanted to have a child and even that was probably driven more by her family.

And she wasn’t from some weird religious sect or some kind of faraway culture. She was middle class, midwestern, Protestant, college educated professionalfrom middle America. 

So I was not talking about any particular culture, or geographical place or origin or any particular religion.

I was talking about people that are rigid, sexually repressed and sex-negative, and that they often have multiple children despite their negative views on sex.

And where did I get the idea that she is rigid, repressed and sex-negative?

I got that from the OP who said she was from a very conservative family and was not allowed to date or have friends or do anything. And then she spent who knows how many hours pouring over thousands of the YouTube videos and websites that he visited and then stopped talking to him after she found TWO that were kinda sexually related.

so that takes me back to my original point that it amuses me when these guys marry rigid, repressed, sex-negative woman,,, and then complain that they are rigid, repressed and sex-negative.

It’s kinda the flip side of guys that marry strippers and then get upset that they blew some guy in a parking lot for $50 (or whatever the going rate for parking lot BJs is today)


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