# Trying To Decide - Please, Opinions



## MinC (Mar 3, 2010)

Hi. I am new here, and my story is probably one that has been heard many times before on these boards, but here it goes:

I am a male, and have been married for over 16 years. I am currently trying to decide if it is coming to an end.

Generally we get along well together. Being human neither of us is perfect and both have our grouchy moments, but for the most part we enjoy each other’s company. The problem is that we are basically roommates more than husband and wife now. I cannot recall the last time we were intimate with each other – it has been close to a year now. I have recently been tempted to stray, and found myself flirting with other women but then pulling back out of guilt (and fear) when things seem to start moving too close to an affair.

Over the past few months I have been seeing a therapist. Initially to deal with stress from work, but our discussions are focusing more and more on life at home, and it is making me think about things. I have been doing some self-analysis and have made efforts to be a better husband as well as more affectionate and attentive towards her. I feel my wife needs to see a therapist as well to deal with issues from her past, and have made the suggestion in a gentle, non-judgmental way. She is not interested in doing so.

I have been feeling more and more hopeless about the situation, and have started to wonder if a divorce will be the end result. There are two things stopping me from going down that road, the first being that we have a 14 year old child, the second that I believe she does still love me (if not physically).

I am trying to figure out how to broach the subject of a marriage counselor since it is obvious that we have problems communicating, and that has to change if we are to stay together. My fear is that doing so will start a chain reaction of ‘whys’ from her about my feeling it is needed, and I am not sure how I would handle it.

I am in a very conflicted state of mind right now. Part of me wants to work on this, part has lost faith our marriage can be salvaged. I’m hoping that I came to the right place to look for some feedback. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.


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## Oceancity (Feb 27, 2010)

Does she have female issues that are preventing her from having/enjoying intimancy? Have you asked her about that? Ataloss told me to be up front with my husband and situation; it isn't easy but it was a weight lifted. Another thought is that she might be having an affair or maybe an emotional affair. Asking that question isn't easy though.


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## MinC (Mar 3, 2010)

I do not believe there are any physical issues other than lack of desire. We still hug and ‘peck’ kiss with affection, but any time I try to initiate anything in the bedroom I am met with rejection – usually the ‘tired’ line. She may be feeling uncomfortable about her weight, but I have never done anything to suggest I have a problem with it. Of the two of us I am in better shape, though I could stand to lose five pounds or so myself. Who can't?

I do not think she is having a physical affair. None of the signs are there as far as ‘sneaky’ behavior unless I am totally blind. Odd you should mention an Emotional Affair, because I just learned about that term when I realized I was heading down that road with a co-worker. This was a while back when I first started feeling the way I do now. I regained my sanity once I saw what was happening and stopped. 

I can’t imagine how to ask that type of thing of her outside of with a counselor at this point.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

MinC-
You HAVE to express what you are feeling to her. You need to find a quiet, undistracted time to do this and in the most loving, gentle way you can, tell her that you hate the distance between the two of you and give her a chance to tell you how she is feeling. LISTEN and give her a chance to share. If she says she can't or won't tell her that you think it is really important but if she needs time to think things over, that's fine. You are willing to talk and listen whenever she is ready.
Best of luck to you!


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## MinC (Mar 3, 2010)

I tried starting a conversation along those lines last week. When we had a moment alone I asked her with all sincerity if there was anything I could do to be a better husband. She seemed to avoid eye contact, made a joke about not leaving my socks on the floor when I go to bed at night, and changed the subject to her job.

Last night while making our usual small talk preparing dinner I tried being spontaneous by giving her a hug and kiss. She pulled away from me. Later, when I came to bed perhaps 10 minutes after her, I ‘caught’ her immediately faking being asleep as soon as I opened the bedroom door.

I closed the door, went down the hall and slept in the guest room instead.


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## Confused.One (Apr 2, 2010)

I am not sure how things are going for you at the moment MinC, but reading your story *does* feel like I have heard it before. It has happened to me (well... maybe not the year between being intimate) and has happened to numerous friends that I have talked to over the last few months. Basically, all of us eventually found out the wife *was* having an emotional affair and in our cases they were also having a physical affair.
That is, you said that perhaps you are "blind" and I am here to tell you that this very well may be the case.
That being said, perhaps there is a real physical issue on your wife's part... which although not a great thing, is better than the alternative of finding out that there is an affair occurring.


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

The way she is reacting to you does sound like an Emotional Affair since I was in one & all the things she is doing to you, I did to my husband. I was rejecting him physically before the EA but when you said she wouldn't look you in the eyes & was making little jokes, that tells me EA. Its possible she isn't even acting on the EA but maybe has feelings for someone else so its a silent EA so to speak.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I acted like this towards my ex for a long time and it had nothing to do with an EA, so do not jump to conclusions. Right now, that isn't even the issue.

Either she joins you in counseling or the marriage will fail--if not right away, eventually. That is what you need to tell her. You cannot broach it in any way that will not be painful to her, so just practice saying it as calmly as you can. You might want to give a timeline for a response so she does not feel threatened and knows she can respond after time for some thought (which will only come after her panic/anger dies done, b/c she will have an emotional reaction to what you say, and the only bad reaction I can think of is, "relief.")

It's one of those things where you just put it out there, "I don't want you to reply right now, but I need you to understand that our marriage will fail, sooner or later, if we do not enter counseling together. Let me know when you are ready to talk. I have an appointment for us in XX days, and we go together or I go alone." 

Avoiding conflict--or potential conflict--is a big part of the problem, it seems, so just bite the bullet and get this part over with. Good luck.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

After few years of marriage couples could fall into routines the monotone life can set you apart and kill the excitement in your life
You said this is happening since about a year but i think the signs started years before
what I suggest to do both of you take a look back few years when you were having great time together what was the things that you loved in her or she loved in you what are the common things that you shared what are the common activities that you enjoyed 
If now she is not having EA she could have it soon this is apply on you as well 
Since you have this wise look to your marriage you need to put everything on table and try with her to find solution 
and restart things you use to love 

Ask yourself since how long you didn't laugh together and have fun since when you didn't walk with her holding hands....
what's missing in your life now
live your life to the fullest and if there is any issue you cannot solve seek counseling
Good that you started yourself but it needs both of you to make a change
Since she still love you and since you said you get well along together pointing and recognizing the issue in your relationship is the first step to solve it should be like showing care to have a happy and healthy relationship she should be feeling that way too
Things are not the same like before she should accept marriage counseling at least to learn how to communicate together

If you like reading I suggest a very insightful book to both of you
"Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay"

Good Luck


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