# His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?



## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

It’s been almost two weeks since he has raged. I’m so very confused and now I’m deeply depressed. 

Quick Review: In March I had an EA. It was very short lived and I really didn’t realize it was happening until it was too late. I don’t want to go into a lot of details, and I’m not defending myself, but it was very short and innocent compared to most of everyone here. The reality is that it DID happen. 48 hours after acknowledging to the OM that we were having an EA and should cut it off my H finds out. He raged for weeks after he found out. I kept trying to talk to him and explain what had happened, but he wouldn’t hear any of it. What was in his mind is that it was a massive affair. (There were no photos traded, there were no conversations about s#x, there was no arranging to meet each other. There was, however, talk about my husband’s depression, about my kids, fun things each other likes to do, we even played stupid games with each other like 20 questions.) BH raged so badly that one night he tried to pack up my stuff and kick me out and told the kids I didn’t love them or him anymore. It was awful. He never hit me, but bullied me into corners, trapped me in the shower, and just yelled 4 inches from my face and then blame me later for setting him off and not listening. This is not who he is. He’s never been this way with me before this. He was depressed, but never raged.

Fast forward a few more weeks. The last rage he had he suggested divorce so I took off my rings; have yet to put them back on. Later that day and through the next couple I went and found an apartment. I set the move for July 5th. I haven’t told him yet as I was hoping that he would go back to MC with me or find an IC for himself. I’ve been in therapy this entire time, he went for a few weeks and decided that the therapist just wanted to make it all about him. The therapist witnessed his anger and suggested more IC for him or meds and he went off and fired him. It’s been fun. I apologies and cry a lot. I’m not sleeping hardly at all. My stomach is in knots all the time. Everything hurts. I’m sure he feels even worse. In the past couple weeks he has realized that raging at me only scares me and the kids. It pushes me away further. 

It’s almost like he’s desperate to be okay now. He’s pretending everything is fine. He’s still refusing to MC or IC, but has started reading some books like “after the affair”. He has acknowledged that he is depressed and that he treated me very poorly prior to all of this (not that this is an excuse for me, it’s not). Here’s my dilemma: he is a good man dealing with some mental health issues. He is depressed. I went and found myself someplace safe in case his rage continued. He’s not well, but he’s not raging so know I don't know that I should go. My kids are little. I have planned to rent furniture and take as little from the family home as possible as to not disturb their environment. I need to tell them and BS that I’ll be leaving and I just can’t figure out the right words. I’m working on a letter, that I will give him and maybe hold his hand while he reads it. I have a hard time forming words when he gets worked up. I don’t want to screw it up. I have no idea how to make him understand. I just want us healthy. We are both depressed at this point. I feel awful. I betrayed him. I betrayed myself (I never thought I was capable of doing this). I’m angry with myself, but also at him for being so mean and neglectful that I ended up here. I have always nurtured us and now I am pulling away because of shame. I still have some emails I saved from the OM and I read them occasionally when I get really depressed. It was so nice to have someone interested in what I have to say, to laugh with, and talk about life. He’s gone, I’m okay with that, and realize it’s for the best. I will not reach out to him or anyone else and I feel bad when I read the emails. It tears me up that I ever did, but what I’m left with is a bitter angry hurt man, that I have always loved, but now am pulling away from because of my shame. 

I want to go. I want to take this apartment. I want to get better and learn to love and miss him again. If I go I don’t know that he will be able to work through the pain and loss and actually see this as a good thing or not. I need to know how to explain my self-doubt and pain so he understands that this is not me just leaving and that I don’t blame him for any of this. I did this. I screwed up. I don’t know how I can fix it if he won’t MC with me. Thoughts? Do I Stay or Do I Go?


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Sorry its so long. I can't seem to keep it short. Its also a similar post to my last, but eveyone seemed to have gotten stuck on him being a bully and an abuser, when that's not really who he is. Granted I know I am making excuses for his most recent behavior. Ugh!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Arrange to take a polygraph test with input on the questions from your husband.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I would in a heartbeat, but I think we are past that point. Now that he's has raged its more about do i stay or go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Awishforjoy said:


> I would in a heartbeat, but I think we are past that point. Now that he's has raged its more about do i stay or go.


Do you fear him? If so, a break for the two of you might help.

Have you cheated on him before?

Is there any reason (valid or not) that makes him think your affair was longer than it was and/or physical?


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Do you fear him? If so, a break for the two of you might help.


I do fear his being unpredictable right now. I fear he might rage again, but so far he's not. He's ex-military and has an amazing yelling voice. 



MattMatt said:


> Have you cheated on him before?


Never! Never! Never! And not only am I sad that I did, but I'm destroyed that I allowed myself. It's not part of my personality. I've always been the strongest loyalist one of anyone I know... next to him that is.



MattMatt said:


> Is there any reason (valid or not) that makes him think your affair was longer than it was and/or physical


At first he thought it was physical, but then after reading through the emails, he realized this person lived in another state. He was able to track calls and texts and he could see exactly when it began and ended. It was 4 weeks. I'm one of those people that just can't hide anything. Ask me a question and I tell you the truth. If I even try to lie it shows. He knew when it was happening because I was happy (kinda a sad thought), and when it was over because I was sad and withdrawn.

I regret it very much, but I gotta say... I miss feeling happy. I want to feel happy with my husband. It's all I ever wanted.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I'm a BH with anger issues and a semi-drinking problem and I find his behavior unacceptable. Even if you want to stay with him I suggest you file for D anyway, its not it will happen over night and you can stop it at anytime. Let him get served and explain to him how sorry you are for what you did and how you hurt him and that you are more than willing to attempt to make it up to him and R. But under no circumstances will abuse towards you be tolerated. No more getting in your face, no more pinning you to walls or backing you into a corner, and damn sure no more outburst in front of the kids. He has to get his a## some IC and get on some anti-depressants and restart MC. If he can't do these I don't see how you are going to R and you'll just be delaying the inevitable anyway.

I personally would leave. I can't stand guys who put their hands on women whatever the reason.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I think you should leave. At the very least, the behavior is very scary to the kids. 
TAKE THE BABIES WITH YOU. 
Honestly, the EA was mild to say the very least. The rages do not seem in proportion to the "crime". 

I agree with the things "refused to be played" says.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

jeepgirl29 said:


> I think you should leave. At the very least, the behavior is very scary to the kids.
> TAKE THE BABIES WITH YOU.
> Honestly, the EA was mild to say the very least. The rages do not seem in proportion to the "crime".
> 
> I agree with the things "refused to be played" says.


:iagree::iagree:

Go but don't leave the babies behind. 

Tell him once again of your sorrow. Tell him too, that it's not the end but you both need to reflect on the future. Add that he should seek IC and you will too.

You may want to alert one of his close friends - or a relative -to lend him support. 

Offer too, to have a date night or three once you both start IC.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You cheated on your husband, it's as simple as that....You were attracted to another man and made some bad decisions......

Your husband had every right to be angry....Wouldn't you be?

You say he is suffering from depression, but instead of a supporting wife, you give him an EA.....

If you found out last March that your husband was sending hundreds of texts to a mysterious other woman, perhaps exchanging "I love you's" and other love talk, perhaps talking about a meeting, would you have been "Pissed off"??????

He has every right to be very angry...

The new problem is how he is dealing with that anger. From your post, It looks like he really hit the ceiling.....How many of these RAGES did he have? You describe 2.... 

How much of your wanting to leave is due to a real fear that he is going to get worse, and how much is due to you actually wanting to leave in the first place, or was the EA really the first step on the path to an exit affair?

Your husband is not the first BS to suggest divorce after an EA, so I find it troubling that you immediately took off your wedding rings......

All things considered, only you can decide if you need to leave to be safe, but either way I think you need to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself......

I get the feeling that if you walk, you will not come back....

Do you really want this marriage to succeed, or are you really looking for an excuse to end it? When you ask yourself these questions, be sure to factor in "affair fog", since you are still re-reading your AP's emails...

This conduct alone is worthy of a DD2 if your husband finds out...Are you truly remorseful about your EA.....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am always the big softie, always hoping for a happy R, and everyone living happily ever after.....BUT

I find this post to be strangely troubling...

I have seen dozens of betrayed spouses, men and women, crying their hearts out about how they were betrayed by their SO......words like heartbroken, crushed, hopeless, self-loathing, impotent are used....

I think this is the first post I have seen where a WW has an EA and comes on the board looking for sympathy because there SO got *REALLY* mad.......

I wonder how many betrayed spouses yelled *a lot *on D day.....

I know I would....

In this case, only the WW knows if she is really in any physical danger.....And of course that is of primary importance, but I am surprised at the amount of sympathy she has gotten so far......

I guess a damsel in distress can always find a KISA...

the woodchuck


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I am very regretful. He has raged about 7 or 8 times. I took the rings off because it was the third time he suggested that I leave/divorce. I have maintained since day one that I didn’t want to leave, but wanted to work this out. Since he suggested it so many times knowing I wouldn’t leave, I thought this might make it more real. It did and he’s not raged since. In saying that I fear putting them back on will give him control to rage again.

I never went looking for an EA. It wasn’t till the end when we realized how much time we were spending talking that we had an issue. Once we did we ended it. The only reason I’ve gone back to reread those first few emails is because it’s the last time I felt human. I’ve been unhappy, anxious, and depressed since my BH found out. Actually before he found out when we (OM and I) realized what was happening. I hadn’t felt human before the EA either because BH was in a very deep depression and treated me very poorly. Yea, I know BS’s yell. I know sometimes they throw things. I know they sometimes say things they don’t mean. There comes a point that their seething anger can destroy any hope the WS has left. His rage sent me into a horrible state where I felt like I deserved it and should endure his punishments, which is why I’ve stayed, even after he told my children I don’t love them. After weeks of “I love you, let’s work on this” and “I hate you, you *****” I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel anymore. For the past two weeks he has stopped raging, but the last day that he last did I hit my limit. I was on my way to work and started thinking “if I were to just drive into that poll” and I realized that these were the worst thoughts I could have. If his rage was making me feel like things would just be easier if I were gone or hurt then I have a problem. So I went and found an apt that afternoon. I should have just moved then. It would have been so much easier. I love this man and he has not raged since, but he still refuses IC or MC. 

I don’t know if I’m still in the “fog” or not. I almost left prior to the EA because of how he was acting. I can honestly say that I believe nothing would ever happen with the OM. Nothing! My wanting to leave is a mix of things. First I don’t know if I’m in physical danger with this man or not. I’ve never seen him rage like that before and it was crazy scary. Second, I’m still dealing with the neglectful, disrespectful, unloving treatment from before the EA that made me feel empty to begin with. And lastly, if I was so empty and alone feeling to reach out for an EA not realizing what I was doing… How do I know it won’t happen again? Well, I do know it won’t, but I feel so guilty I’m concerned that there is always a chance (this EA was absolutely not intended and I had NO IDEA till it was too late). 

Ultimately, I want to love this man and have him love me with all our hearts again. So much has happened in the past year and I’m still feeling very empty and hollow. I am very remorseful, but I’m also a human and deserve to be loved and respected. As does he. If he won’t commit to MC then how do I know we can fix this? At what point am I allowed to feel again? I get his anger, I am angry at myself, but rage is never an excuse.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

I wonder how accurate your perception of reality is. Are you accurately perceiving how bad things were before the EA? Were you really ready to leave before the EA? Did you really not know what you were doing when you started a close friendship with another man?

A lot of what you're writing here reads to me like rationalization, an attempt to save face, and to shift blame. I agree that your husband's reaction sounds terrible. However, it's interesting that you put up with for seven or eight episodes, and then he stops, and suddenly it was episode eight that really sealed things for you.

I don't know where you're really at, but give yourself a good hard look. It's not evil or wrong to just not want to be married anymore, but if that's what you want, YOU need to own it and you need to make it clear, and stop dragging this out--for the sake of your children and your husband. 

If you want the marriage to continue, you both need counseling, and in your husband's case psychiatric treatment for his depression.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You should be patient. Wait for his decision. You made this mess, so you should deal with the natural consequences. And these consequences are very natural. He's probably going to say things he doesn't mean, because he is hurting in a way you can't understand. So endure it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It sure seems like you use the term "rage" a lot when describing your betrayed spouse. That's kind of off-putting in my book. It's like you totally minimize your affair and are trying to make him look like the bad one. And...you've done that successfully here at TAM it would seem by the responses you have gotten.

You still have the emails?! Good grief.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Awishforjoy said:


> And lastly, if I was so empty and alone feeling to reach out for an EA not realizing what I was doing… How do I know it won’t happen again? Well, I do know it won’t, but I feel so guilty I’m concerned that there is always a chance (this EA was absolutely not intended and I had NO IDEA till it was too late).


Because you will read about boundaires, about the slippery slope, becasue you are now very aware on how easy is to cross lines. Becasue you'll educate yourself about this so you don't end up disrespecting yourself this way never again. Boundaries are not only to protect yourself from others but from your own vulnerabilities. Specially from them.
You can't unlearn, what you got into this. You know now you can't let men meet certain emotional needs, that interactions with men needs to be watched closely and friendships avoided, that you can't share too much, that you can't vent about your marriage or overall unhappyness on your life with men, that you can't... 
It's not bad at all to be aware. Quite the contrary. In my marriage it was me the one with boundarie issues, the one at risk of becoming a cheater. I knew it so I watched myself very closely since the very beginning. It's good. I'ts called growing up, learning from the past.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

This is tough partly because you are hitting all the hot buttons raging, anger, abuse, small children, you name it and it is in your post. So you want advice or someone to agree with? I am going to go with advice although your posts suggest you are looking for a rubber stamp.

1. He has stopped raging you admit this.

2. He is mentally ill yes being in a deep depression is considered mentally I'll.

3. You picked a time when he was the most vulnerable to sink the knife in.

4. There is no physical abuse.

5. You say you are sorry and that you live him bit you also say you are done that the marriage was bad. Understand that the affair and a bad marriage are two separate things. Instead if an affair you could of gone to MC you choose to not do that.

6. He is reading books now in how to deal with what YOU have done to him. This is on top of depression.

7. You have taken off your rings this is a show to him that you are leaving him. That is what this means on top of the EA you are declaring that you are done.

So where does that leave us? Your argument for leaving is unworkable he is no longer raging and is in his own way seeking help by reading books not everyone dies therapy well, just not the way you want. If someone betrayed me as you have I would not take their advice in getting help either, you betrayed him when he was down. 

Let's look at you have you done any of these to try to get back his trust?

1. NC letter

2. Get rid of all the OM stuff

3. Write a letter of apology

4. Transparency in all your Internet devices.

These are basic to restoring the trust. If you have then we can start talking about how to build a better marriage. Until trust is regained I would not expect him to take any of your suggestions to heart. Why should he you have instigated the greatest betrayal of his life and you did it when he was mentally ill.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

When I say "rage" this is my definition: screaming, yelling 4 inches from my nose, throwing things, breaking things, backing me into corners, holding his hands behind his back in a clear attempt to try to not hurt me (he hasn’t yet), one minute frustrated the next ballistic, and unpredictable. He has cornered me in the closet, in the shower, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, even woke me up in the bed and yelled 4 inches from my nose so I couldn’t move. I think this is a clear def of rage. Again, he has done this multiple times. 8 times where he’s said something horrible, but many more then that just yelling. 

I get that I wronged him. And I am regretful. His treatment of me prior to this was through a deep depression where he wouldn’t really talk to me for days. We were seldom intimate. When I would call him, he would answer the phone and say, in a very angry voice, “what!”. I would tell him hello or what I needed and he would often hang up on me or curse at me. It was a really bad situation. I begged him last year to get help and come back to me and was told to f off. 

And yes, I still have the emails. Let me explain: he printed them all out to show proof. I went through and made a copy of everything he had. I then had to start keeping a calendar of when he was having his rage fits in case it did escalate. I put these all into a binder. It kills me to read them, but it was so sweetly innocent that you could tell where it was going. I wish I had known and not been so desperate to keep it going. I wish I had never needed a friend. I don’t read them often.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BK23 said:


> However, it's interesting that you put up with for seven or eight episodes, and then he stops, and suddenly it was episode eight that really sealed things for you.


I had that same thought as well.

OP, there are consequences to be dealt with when you cheat on a spouse. You stated that your husband never had these rages before the EA, so obviously they are a consequence of it. Every BS reacts a little differently on Dday. For some, it brings out their worst.

If you truly feel threatened, then there are ways to deal with that without divorcing him immediately. Temporary separation might be a reasonable approach. Tell him that you want to demonstrate to him that you are remorseful, but until he deals with his anger issues, you are fearful for you and the children.

If you truly want to R with him, and you are truly remorseful, then you need to be patient with him. You owe him that. If he never gets to the point where you feel safe again, then I can understand your decision to leave. But you don't want to look back and have regrets; for not being willing to go the extra mile to save your marriage - after your own infidelity.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Oh and I am in no way saying his actions are okay.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Awishforjoy said:


> When I say "rage" this is my definition: screaming, yelling 4 inches from my nose, throwing things, breaking things, backing me into corners, holding his hands behind his back in a clear attempt to try to not hurt me (he hasn’t yet), one minute frustrated the next ballistic, and unpredictable. He has cornered me in the closet, in the shower, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, even woke me up in the bed and yelled 4 inches from my nose so I couldn’t move. I think this is a clear def of rage. Again, he has done this multiple times. 8 times where he’s said something horrible, but many more then that just yelling.
> 
> I get that I wronged him. And I am regretful. His treatment of me prior to this was through a deep depression where he wouldn’t really talk to me for days. We were seldom intimate. When I would call him, he would answer the phone and say, in a very angry voice, “what!”. I would tell him hello or what I needed and he would often hang up on me or curse at me. It was a really bad situation. I begged him last year to get help and come back to me and was told to f off.
> 
> And yes, I still have the emails. Let me explain: he printed them all out to show proof. I went through and made a copy of everything he had. I then had to start keeping a calendar of when he was having his rage fits in case it did escalate. I put these all into a binder. It kills me to read them, but it was so sweetly innocent that you could tell where it was going. I wish I had known and not been so desperate to keep it going. I wish I had never needed a friend. I don’t read them often.


I think you're beyond help. You don't want advice that doesn't conform to what appears to be a very distorted world view. If you don't want to change, just rip the band aid off and divorce the poor guy. Why are you here?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Awishforjoy said:


> I wish I had known and not been so desperate to keep it going. I wish I had never needed a friend. I don’t read them often.


That is lame. You back-stabbed your husband while he was vulnerable and you are STILL NOT TAKING OWNERSHIP for what you have done.

You just don't get it.

Need a friend? ... buy a dog.

Stop blaming your husband and look in the mirror if you want to blame someone. He was sick (depressed) .. you should have done more to help him (or get others to help him) ... or you should have just left. An affair .. that's the selfish route.

Once you wrap your head around this, then maybe you'll be in a better place for repairing your marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BK23 said:


> I think you're beyond help. You don't want advice that doesn't conform to what appears to be a very distorted world view. If you don't want to change, just rip the band aid off and divorce the poor guy. Why are you here?


You're right, she should stick around and accept whatever he wants to send her way. It's good for him that she had an EA, now he gets a pass on treating her like dog cr$p, or if not a pass at least a but.....as in yeah, he abused her BUT. i don't understand why someone that tells you to [email protected]&$ off when you ask for help would even care if you talk to someone else but sometimes I forget that a spouse equals property to some people. Then if she had just left him she'd be accused of being a WAW that just HAD to be having an affair anyway. I would have left this scumbag a long time ago, he is who he is OP and all you did was give him ammunition. I don't care what he's reading, I'd move out anyway. In the future, leave before you find outside "friends".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're right, she should stick around and accept whatever he wants to send her way. It's good for him that she had an EA, now he gets a pass on treating her like dog cr$p, or if not a pass at least a but.....as in yeah, he abused her BUT. i don't understand why someone that tells you to [email protected]&$ off when you ask for help would even care if you talk to someone else but sometimes I forget that a spouse equals property to some people. Then if she had just left him she'd be accused of being a WAW that just HAD to be having an affair anyway. I would have left this scumbag a long time ago, he is who he is OP and all you did was give him ammunition. I don't care what he's reading, I'd move out anyway. In the future, leave before you find outside "friends".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She cheated, she was unhappy, she continues to be unhappy, she should leave. Was that so hard? I didn't anywhere endorse her husband's reaction to this betrayal. Is she undeserving of love, safety, happiness? No way. Is she to blame for the now inevitable dissolution of her young family? More than she seems to be willing to take responsibility for.

Is she here for help, or is she here for a bunch of KISA to pat her on the back and tell her she did and is doing nothing wrong?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Awishforjoy said:


> I don’t read them often.


So, you keep a journal of your EA and refer back to it when you need to remember your 'happy times' in your EA? Seriously. No wonder your H is depressed. He has a wife who is unhappy, and not making it easy for him to connect and he is probably clueless on how to overcome it. 

Turn time back to before the EA for a moment. What was the problem? Was he depressed then? If so, over what? (I'm guessing neither of you know the answer, which is a problem, but not uncommon). Instead of pushing him to get help, you escape the marriage through an EA with another man. 

Now your H has 2 things to deal with. His original depression, and your betrayal. He probably doesn't understand the source of the original depression, but your betrayal gives him something to focus all of his bad feelings on. It's near impossible to separate the two, especially when the news is all fresh. Trust me, I'm dealing with it myself. My wife had 2 online EA's during a time I was escaping my depression with online gaming and pornography. 

First thing is 1st. Secure your safety. If you feel you must leave the house to feel safe, by all means do so. Be sure your H knows you are moving out because you feel unsafe. Let him know what your conditions would be to move back in. If you don't feel unsafe, you may want to try sleeping in another room. Similar conditions could be set on what it would take to move back to the marital bed.

Your conditions need to be clear and measurable. "Be nice to me" is not. Start counseling, No yelling, no threatening physical harm and no threats of divorce are concrete and clear. No threats of divorce does not mean he won't divorce you. He can choose to divorce over this if he wants. Just don't let him use 'threats' of divorce in attempt to manipulate. He either files, or earnestly focuses on reconciling. 

Second, stop trying to minimize your EA. It will piss him off. Honestly this was a big problem for me with my wife. Her online EA's included cybersex, but she kept saying it 'wasn't physical' or she wasn't sexually aroused, it was a power thing. She admitted it was wrong, but then said all types of things to minimize it. Bottom line was, she betrayed me, she covered it up and lied to me. This person, who I needed to be there to support me, turned around and hurt me. And it hurt as deeply as anything I have ever experienced. I've had a friend in HS commit suicide, grandparents die, the death of my 1st pet and my parents divorce. This hurt much, much worse than any of that. Discovering my wife's betrayal has been by far, the single most painful event in my life.

Third, stop looking at transcripts of your EA. If you think you need copies for your lawyer in possible future divorce proceedings, seal it in an envelope and give them to your lawyer to hold onto for you. If not, destroy them. Looking back at that stuff will do 2 things. First, it will keep you emotionally hooked to this affair partner, and second, it will trigger feelings of deep pain in your H. 

If you commit to reconciling, you are going to do a lot of work to prove to your H that you are willing to go through a lot of pain with him, and support him and rebuild trust. If you want to minimize your EA and put all the work to reconcile on him, then do him a favor, move out and file for D now. It will hurt him further, but best to do it quick rather than setting him up for another couple of years of pain.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

It’s almost like some of you have been so burned that you’re not seeing past your own issues. I love this man, always have, don’t want to leave. The trouble I’m having is that he conducted life with me for years in a negative way. I reached out and he said no. I didn’t want to leave then. In my desperation to feel something I found a friend who unknowingly at the time became an EA. I had no emotional stability, no love, no care from my Husband and I reached out. I never wanted to!! I’m fully transparent to BH, have gotten rid of the OM. I would take a polly test if hubs wanted. I felt empty till the EA, but knew it was wrong and ended it quickly. Hubs raged at me when I was already feeling unloved and hated by him, but I wanted to hold on. I got him into MC for a bit, but when the MC said that he was bordering on abuse, he quit going and now refuses to go to any IC/MC. I love this family, but still feel empty and ashamed. I don’t know if his acts are out of love now or just manipulation to keep me because I belong to him. I think I’m ultimately here to understand the different point of views of everyone so I can make a better decision. I’m not looking for sympathy nor am I looking for validation. I’m looking for some understanding and clarity. Being around others and listening to your input helps me put a perspective on my decision. Good or bad.

BTW – I still haven’t told him I found an apt. I do very much want to R, but I also what to be sure that I’m clear and whole when we move forward. That we are not just pretending things are okay just to have it escalate again later. I’ve never dealt with rage like this and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, other than my IC and my mom (who is appalled by his behavior and wanted me to leave a year ago – which is no help).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Awishforjoy said:


> It’s almost like some of you have been so burned that you’re not seeing past your own issues.


And every wayward spouse who comes here with the basic same complaint of their betrayed says this exact same sentence.

It's the point where most of those trying to help YOU see past YOUR affair give up.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Acoa said:


> So, you keep a journal of your EA and refer back to it when you need to remember your 'happy times' in your EA?


I made copies of his files of the emails he pulled and no I don't read them often. Usually when I need to make a mark in the calendar about an event that happened. Sealing them and sending them to a lawyer is a great idea. I like that a lot. I could seal them and give them to a friend. Thank You. 

Your input is greatly appreciated. I don't mean to minimize what I did, because I know it was wrong. I just feel so beaten down by all of it that it seems if I don't then I'm not a worthy person. I've always had amazing morals and been the good person people look to for advice. Now I’ve shut everyone out because I'm ashamed and vulnerable. I'm afraid of making any decisions. It sucks.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You don't read them often...

You had an affair. 
You do not show remorse by keeping the old emails and rereading them while taking off your wedding rings. 

If you want out. Then file and move on. There is no need for the extra drama. 

If you fear for your safety or that of the youngsters then leave and find a safe place. I certainly wish you no harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay now that we have some answers it is time to actually look at where you are. Basically you have a bad marriage. So you are scared to deal with him because of his recent rages and overall crappy behavior.

1. This is going to be hard no way around that I an afraid so if you would rather walk you can.

2. Sit down and make a list of what you need right NOW. These are to be behavior changes no more rages, no cursing, no abusive comments, MC or IC. These are ground rules no blame what you need to do is set up the fact that you have problems that need to be worked out but currently you can't because of his behaviors.

2. Do you have someone you mutually respect like a friend or family member? If not there are other ways but we will go over that when you tell me.

3. What you will need to do is set up a meeting with a third party to go over your behavior changes. At this meeting you will also inform him that you love him and want to work on things but currently you are scared to even talk to him.

This is a first step ONLY thus fixes nothing just gets you to a place where you can talk.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There are many betrayed spouses here. You will get some challenging feedback. Keep in mind, we don't challenge you to be abusive. We do it because we want you to try and understand what it's going to take. You have a choice to make here. It sounds like your H is willing to try and R. It also sounds like he is very misguided and in a lot of internal turmoil. This makes things much more difficult. You need to determine if you want to put the work into trying to fix the marriage. If you don't, then bail now.



Awishforjoy said:


> I do very much want to R, but I also what to be sure that I’m clear and whole when we move forward. That we are not just pretending things are okay just to have it escalate again later.


You are not going to be clear and whole going into this. I suggest focusing on healing the marriage. You want to be clear and whole together in the future. Right now, your marriage is a broken smoldering ruin. Time for a new beginning. 

Definitely don't pretend nothing happened. Do all of your friends and family know about your EA? If not, you should share that tidbit. I know it's embarrassing, but if they don't know about it, they only have half the story and it makes your H seem psychotic.

BTW - Thank your H for being willing to reconcile. The fact he has not kicked you to the curb over the EA and subsequent minimalizing shows that underneath his rage and depression he must love you very much.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP, yes many of here have been "burned". But there are a lot of us here, including myself, who have been betrayed and are attempting R. I'm not pro-R or pro-D; I'm pro-best solution, whether it's to R or D.

I know you are trying to explain how you felt before the A, but whenever a CS does that, it almost always comes across as rationalizing or minimizing. Just simply own up to what you did and don't offer explanations; because we've heard them all - and around here, there's no excuse for cheating. None.

Despite that, there's also no reason for you to accept your husband's verbal abuse. I've suggested your patience is the key, and I've offered my suggestions. I hope you'll consider them.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

We don’t really have a third person that we trust. We have no family here and through the years have alienated most of our friends. That’s what I was hoping the MC would be for us. Till BH fired him. I have started writing him a letter to explain my sorrow and apologies for hurting him so badly, but I can’t stop making excuses for my desperation of wanting to feel human. I just can’t get past the behavior prior to the EA and feeling so lonely, but then you add the regret and shame from the act and it’s just a big mess. I know I need to own it. 

I just took the emails over to my co-worker/friend (who had seen me at my worse and knows what’s going on) and asked her to lock it away from me. I still have the calendar and emails from my BS that show his aggression and rage though. I would like to hand these to her too, but I don’t want her to have access to how bad it really got. I could destroy them, but if he decides he really does want a D then I will have nothing to fight back with. BTW – I removed the rings because he suggested D. Since they have been gone he has changed how he treats me. This is one of my fears. If I put them back I feel as if I’m giving him possession of me again and the previous behavior will return. I’m not sure I realized how deep a feeling those rings held till now. I will consider putting them back on.

I do appreciate all your feedback as it gives me a better understanding. I know I’ve done wrong. I know my marriage isn’t great. I honestly don’t mean to rationalize or minimize it. Most of my family knows and what few friends we have left know. They don’t know all the details about him raging, but they do know we are fighting and on the rocks and that I’ve screwed up. 

I’m going to sit down and write out what I need to make this work right now. So far ground rules haven’t worked, but more so because it was coming from the MC. This will be coming directly from me.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

You have destroyed your husband. You insist on rubbing salt in the wound. You didn't just knife him in the back, but twisted it (took your ring off) when you saw his agony. You are now using it to control him, while planning your next thrust into his back. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who is capable of marital love.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I'd trade situations with your husband in a heart beat as my wife had a full blown EA/PA for almost a year. At least you stopped before it turned into anything other than talk. The fact that you have two little kids and he is acting aggressive to you, your best bet is to separate for a short term. Long enough to at least let him cool off. What you did was dead wrong, and you realize that but you don't deserve to be abused, which is what this appears its headed to. It might do you two some good to cool off things. For what its worth, when I caught mine, I didn't react like your husband, I simply said screw it, if that's what you want then by all means take a hike, she didn't though and we are in R. You just really never know how someone will react to this $hit. People assumed I would be the type to flip out and lose it, but I never did.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Awishforjoy said:


> We don’t really have a third person that we trust. We have no family here and through the years have alienated most of our friends. That’s what I was hoping the MC would be for us. Till BH fired him. I have started writing him a letter to explain my sorrow and apologies for hurting him so badly, but I can’t stop making excuses for my desperation of wanting to feel human. I just can’t get past the behavior prior to the EA and feeling so lonely, but then you add the regret and shame from the act and it’s just a big mess. I know I need to own it.
> 
> I just took the emails over to my co-worker/friend (who had seen me at my worse and knows what’s going on) and asked her to lock it away from me. I still have the calendar and emails from my BS that show his aggression and rage though. I would like to hand these to her too, but I don’t want her to have access to how bad it really got. I could destroy them, but if he decides he really does want a D then I will have nothing to fight back with. BTW – I removed the rings because he suggested D. Since they have been gone he has changed how he treats me. This is one of my fears. If I put them back I feel as if I’m giving him possession of me again and the previous behavior will return. I’m not sure I realized how deep a feeling those rings held till now. I will consider putting them back on.
> 
> ...



Good so lets look just at the letter and what it should contain and what it should not contain. Remember this letter is to set a framwork to not only talk about the affair but also other problems in the marriage basically you will be doing self MC. The goal is to create a time that is safe and free so that you can confront the issues of the marriage.

1. Stay away from you faults or his faults this is not about blame this is about negotiation and creating a space to talk.

2. Keep the rules simple they will apply to you as well. So look at your passive aggressive stance you will need to honest when talking that means you cannot keep avoiding conflict if this is off base let me know but you come across as a person who just wants to go with the flow and has avoided conflict with him.

3. You are going to set a specific time frame to have these discussions. So set one hour once a week where you will talk about 1 topic. The topic will of discussion will change week to week as in you will chose the topic one week and then he will chose the topic the topic must be announced at least 5 days in advance. This is to give both parties a chance to frame there thoughts.

4. You can continue the session but only if both parties agree and the session can be ended at any time by either party.

5. Keep your ring off. I know you had no idea of what you were doing or how damaging it was to him but done is done. 

6. Have the meeting at the start you are going to inform him that you have an apartment lined up. That you want to work on this but cannot in the current environment. That you love him and want to work on the marriage. That you will stay if he agrees to the boundaries and that these boundaries are common in all marriages.

7. The common rules are going to be not only during the session for you guys to talk but also outside it. So you want no yelling, no lying, no calling names, no physical intimidation, no conflict avoidance. Okay these should be your basic boundaries then you move into the setting your self up with meeting once every week to talk about an issue. 


So why do I say keep the ring off? Because at his point you have a lot of chips on your side in a negotiation you only give what you need to. If he is unwilling to do all the the above then you move out and we go to next steps. If you choose not to follow the advice I don't see that your marriage has any chance. This is just to get you to the point to talk we have not even got to the point of addressing your affair, the taking the rings off, his depression, the rage, or the whole past. Again this is a start but if he is unwilling to make even a step in this direction then you can leave with a clear head.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I'm still working on this letter. It’s so hard! I have so much I want to say, but just can't seem to say it right. I think I'm going to read the letter to him rather then let him read it. I'll give it to him after. I still don't know if I'm officially staying or going. I'm going to give him the opportunity to let me stay. If this sets him off in another rage, I will have no choice but to go. I guess decision made.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Of course it's going to set him off in a "rage". He's hurting.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Awishforjoy said:


> I'm still working on this letter. It’s so hard! I have so much I want to say, but just can't seem to say it right. I think I'm going to read the letter to him rather then let him read it. I'll give it to him after. I still don't know if I'm officially staying or going. I'm going to give him the opportunity to let me stay. If this sets him off in another rage, I will have no choice but to go. I guess decision made.



Your trying to make this letter more than it is. Remember this is only ground rules that is all. Do not try to make this about EVERYTHING this is only to outline a constructive way to talk. My guess is you are putting all things you love about him and how hurt you are by his behavior or how guilty you feel. NONE of that needs to be in there this is ONLY to set up a way to talk which currently you do not have. Remember this is a step not the journey. If you put to much into this it is going to make things WORSE. Keep it simple that you want to talk about the marriage, that you need a safe place to do that, that he deserves a safe place to do that. And that if you don't feel safe then you need to move out for both of your sakes. Again don't make this into a letter about your affair, his faults, your feelings, his feelings or anything this is just setting up some basic rules to talk to each other a framework to work through things.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

CEL said:


> Your trying to make this letter more than it is. Remember this is only ground rules that is all. Do not try to make this about EVERYTHING this is only to outline a constructive way to talk. My guess is you are putting all things you love about him and how hurt you are by his behavior or how guilty you feel. NONE of that needs to be in there this is ONLY to set up a way to talk which currently you do not have. Remember this is a step not the journey. If you put to much into this it is going to make things WORSE. *Keep it simple that you want to talk about the marriage, that you need a safe place to do that, that he deserves a safe place to do that. And that if you don't feel safe then you need to move out for both of your sakes.* Again don't make this into a letter about your affair, his faults, your feelings, his feelings or anything this is just setting up some basic rules to talk to each other a framework to work through things.


I think that the highlighted lines above are very important.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

I have to tell you that your response to his depression is very normal. You needed a distraction. To me it isn't an affair unless it's sex. If your talking about sex with each other in any way shape or form, it's sex. Too much time spent with things other than your family, is just VERY selfish and disrespectful. Other than that, unless you feel your friendship can lead to sex, people have a right to friendships that don't intrude on family time.

Your husband is being abusive. You have a right to leave. Call it a summer vacation, and take it day by day.

Psych medications scare me. Too many, if not all, have adverse effects that are dangerous. Please consider homeopathic care. I've seen some nasty adverse results from psychotropic meds.

If you do stay, help your husband take care of his diet. I have found that people who are depressed are usually also dehydrated, eat too much junk food, and lack Vitamin D3. Excercise is also a biggy.

The nicest thing to do, at least for the sake of your children, is try to help him get better with what I mentioned above, and then make your decision. Give it a couple of months. Meanwhile mention to your kids that you want to try and help him, and that they should pray for him etc. Otherwise it may not be healthy for mommy to live with daddy.

They will witness your loving effort to help him, and that will stay with them for ever in a positive way. Good luck.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> It sure seems like you use the term "rage" a lot when describing your betrayed spouse. That's kind of off-putting in my book. It's like you totally minimize your affair and are trying to make him look like the bad one. And...you've done that successfully here at TAM it would seem by the responses you have gotten.
> 
> You still have the emails?! Good grief.


Thank goodness someone else can see it.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> I have to tell you that your response to his depression is very normal. You needed a distraction. To me it isn't an affair unless it's sex. If your talking about sex with each other in any way shape or form, it's sex. Too much time spent with things other than your family, is just VERY selfish and disrespectful. Other than that, unless you feel your friendship can lead to sex, people have a right to friendships that don't intrude on family time.
> 
> Your husband is being abusive. You have a right to leave. Call it a summer vacation, and take it day by day.
> 
> ...


Wow.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

After DDay, you still have solace in OM's emails. And you seem to be preserving them.

And you say you are ashamed of what you have done in engaging in EA.

How contradicting?

There is more to your story.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Wow.


I know, right?!

OP you state that the first time you posted the responses were ALL about your "abusive" husband and you kind of abandoned that thread cuz it wasn't getting you anywhere. Then, you start this one and guess what? You continue to talk about your husband's "rage".

So...who is it that is making this about your "abusive" husband?

You are.

And some posters here are buying into that. You put the term rage in pretty much every post. See - here's the deal: You call your affair "innocent" and "not as bad" and it was because your husband was "depressed". Funny thing is, my wife who also had an affair, had created this fake image in her head of how I was. That I was uncaring and not intimate. The reality is that I was extremely caring and intimate. She had just created a justification once the affair began.

Now, the interesting thing about TAM is that if you, OP, were a guy - you would have been ripped to shreds from the get go for blaming everything on your spouse's rage or depression.

Instead - you're being treated with kit gloves and get to continue the cycle of blaming your spouse with the help of anonymous internet posters.

As for me....'twon't do.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

She doles out the word "rage" like she is throwing fishfood to goldfish, and just look at the water churn


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

YOU aren't as 'bad' as people here? Good for you. 

I don't see a lot of remorse in your posts. Mostly it seems that you still feel justified and are minimizing your actions. 

What possible need could there be to ever re-read them? Seems another justification to be honest. 

IF you love him, stop putting any reasons behind it, own it fully and work on fixing the marriage. 

The fact that you secured an apartment without him knowing means that you are STILL keeping secrets which means you haven't really learned your lesson yet.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> And some posters here are buying into that.


Raising hands here.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Your honesty knows no bounds, Acabado. Though, since last year I've always wanted to call you Avocado!! :rofl:


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

shaung said:


> You have destroyed your husband. You insist on rubbing salt in the wound. You didn't just knife him in the back, but twisted it (took your ring off) when you saw his agony. You are now using it to control him, while planning your next thrust into his back. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who is capable of marital love.


What am I missing? OP says she had an EA, but did nothing other than talk to another man as a friend. Then cut it off.

An emotional affair is emotional intimacy with another person, to the point of causing marital problems. It is not what caused the marital problems, or her husbands depression. Her husband's depression, caused the marital problems. OP stopped it the OA. 

It was certainly a mistake. A man can find himself attracted to a vibrant woman, while his wife is depressed, and not even realize it.
Depression is selfish sickness. A wife can let herself go, let the house go, neglect the family, and that can be equally hard on a man.

It is almost like human self preservation kicks in and your brain is attracted to anything positive. We have the responsibilty to control ourselves, and she did that before it got out of hand. Give her a break, people are human and can deal with only so much, for so long without becoming vulnerable.

I hope none of those pointing fingers has to deal with a loved ones anxiety or depression for any extended period of time. Most likely you won't last as long.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> What am I missing? OP says she had an EA, but did nothing other than talk to another man as a friend. Then cut it off.
> 
> An emotional affair is emotional intimacy with another person, to the point of causing marital problems. It is not what caused the marital problems, or her husbands depression. Her husband's depression, caused the marital problems. OP stopped it the OA.
> 
> ...


It's a betrayal. Maybe that's what you're missing? 

She should have sought out a female friend or better yet, a therapist. Minimizing it will not help repair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> I*t is almost like human self preservation kicks in and your brain is attracted to anything positive. *We have the responsibilty to control ourselves, and she did that before it got out of hand. Give her a break, people are human and can deal with only so much, for so long without becoming vulnerable.


The bolded piece is anothing short of a excuse for everything, not far from "i just wanted to be happy". 
The following is minimizing the betrayal with the "it could be worse" defense. She and OM recognized it to be an EA. It's obvious you downplay it but many people got hurt by this many divorces have in EAs as the cause. Minimizing it is not going to help OP at all.
The final line go back to shifting the blame and excuse infidelity.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We marry for better or worse, but never define exactly what we mean by 'worse.' In my opinion, your bar is too low.

Your H is depressed. He behaves badly. This is on him. You have an EA. This is on you. He reacts with tremendous hurt. This is on you. If in his rage he abuses you, this is on him.

What I don't know is whether he really is abusing you. This is a matter of opinion and we can't really judge that. What I do know is that you want to leave because of the situation.

If he hasn't 'raged,' as you put it, for the last two weeks, then why are you secretly planning your move? If you love him and want to work on it, then why have you signed a lease on a new apartment?

Not everyone needs or benefits from MC - many MC's cause more harm than good. Your H definitely needs IC for himself & you could certainly use it for you.

He is horribly, horribly hurt by your A. You will compound that hurt immeasurably if you just up and leave. If you love him, he needs help with his depression and hurt & you need to find a better way to give him that help than signing a lease on a new place for yourself without his knowledge.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Acabado said:


> The bolded piece is anothing short of a excuse for everything, not far from "i just wanted to be happy".
> The following is minimizing the betrayal with the "it could be worse" defense. She and OM recognized it to be an EA. It's obvious you downplay it but many people got hurt by this many divorces have in EAs as the cause. Minimizing it is not going to help OP at all.
> The final line go back to shifting the blame and excuse infidelity.


If she didn't stop it on her own, before getting caught, I would agree. It wasn't an affair. Perhaps it was almost an affair. To her credit, she stopped it.

If what she is saying is all true, it is understandable. She didn't have an affair. She wasn't unfaithful. "EA" involve innapropriate relationships. From what she says, it never got innapropriate. She feels guilty about a frienship that she stopped and labeled it an EA, probably because that person happened to make her happy.

It was a mistake that shouldn't be categorized at the level as the affairs that have destroyed marriages.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ummm...EA's _have_ destroyed marriages...


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Ummm...EA's _have_ destroyed marriages...


What OP says was EA wasn't innapropriate and wasn't what started the damage of her marriage. I believe marriage is for better for worse. That doesn't mean you can do whatever you want an get away with it. 

I would say with his depression and lashing out at her, she was entitled to a mistake that didn't involve inappropriate actions. That's all.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> What OP says was EA wasn't innapropriate and wasn't what started the damage of her marriage. I believe marriage is for better for worse. That doesn't mean you can do whatever you want an get away with it.
> 
> I would say with his depression and lashing out at her, she was entitled to a mistake that didn't involve inappropriate actions. That's all.


Oh boy. It goes much deeper than that. Sex isn't the only way to have an affair. There is a such thing as emotional infidelity.
Sharing things with someone that you should be only sharing with your spouse.
Complaining about your spouse to someone of the opposite sex rather than speaking to your spouse about it.
Doing this builds a situation where the spouse/companion and the AP build a common bond. A trust begins to form and eventually "feelings" that make you feel euphoric with the person form.
Same feelings you have when dating someone you are fond of


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Well now with the secret apartment, there will be a place for it to become a PA.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Have you read your posts? I don’t think I’m being treated with kid gloves at all. No worries though, I don’t expect it. The story does go on, but I need to clarify that I’m being pretty honest so you should stop trying to read between the lines. Yes, I have gone back and reread the emails between the OM and myself from the beginging. There are about 5 emails in total, all short. No sexting, no pictures, no wanting to run away together. The only reason I even have the emails is because BH has kept a file on me. I wanted to know what was in that file and I went and made copies of the whole thing. There were many many other texts and emails, but I deleted all of those. I’ve since given these emails that I WAS reading when I felt anxious and lonely to a friend to keep from me. 

As for the rage. Again, he backed me into corners and screamed at me 4 inches from my nose for hours. He packed up my clothes and tried to throw them in the front yard. He told my kids I don’t love them. He trapped me in bed to scream at me 4 inches from my nose. He broke dishes and I think other things that have dissappeared. He even trapped me in the shower and screamed at me until I was a histarical mess lying at the bottom of the shower sobing. I get anger. I expect him to be angry. Matter a fact, I would feel better if he were just angry, but making a point to go out of your way to see the other person a blubbering mess on the floor broken while you are doing these things for hours and some times over days at a time… That’s rage. Anger would be yelling, 4 feet away, for an hour then taking a break. Anger would be silence. Anger would be telling me I’m an aweful person or that they hate me, not telling my kids that I don’t love them. Not screaming 4 inches from my nose for hours. Not waking me in the middle of the night to start the fights over and over again. 

Its been over 2 weeks since he raged. Almost 3. My anxiety has lessened and I’m feeling much safer at home. I don’t know that he will rage like that again as the last time he did the wedding ring came off and didn’t go back on. He suggested divorce, not me, so I threw the rings at him. Once they came off he stopped the raging completely. I feared putting them back on, but yesterday I knew we would be around a ton of people and was felt that I needed to put them back on as a sign of respect. 

I do believe this EA has destroyed me. Emotionally I’m not longer open; I no longer feel okay. BH has been trying and has realized how badly he acted before. It just makes me feel worse now. I do love my husband, but I still feel so hollow and empty. I’m sure this is because of what I’ve done. I did end it before he found out, but the day he found out I sent the OM a few texts to let him know that BH knew. BH sent him an email that said he would kill him if he attempted to contact me again. Its all been crazy, but I know that what I did, not matter how far this EA went (not very), it did still effect me deeply. Its not fair to my family and I’m destroyed that I can’t just be okay for them. 

As for the apartment: no he doesn’t know. I’ve not taken the apt yet, I just signed intent papers and put down a small deposit. I did this the day after he suggested divorce. I did this so I wouldn’t be homeless should he rage again at me. I did it because I was scared and frustrated. I’ve been waiting to see if I really should move forward on it. I haven’t yet. This weekend is the sign date. I still don’t have to take it. I still don’t know what I’m going to do at all. And NO it would not be a place for PA. I’ve never, in 15+ years, even looked at another person and thought I could go there. My husband and I, till the last few years, always had sparks. I am so empty, and void of any feeling, that I couldn’t even go there with even the OM (who btw lives over 1000+ miles away).


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Rage is a normal response that does lessen in time. When you've wounded someone to the core, it's normal to lash out at the person who caused you that pain. 

My first piece of advice is to come clean about all things in your life if you have any hope of reconciling. No more secrets.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

have you put on his shoes to see how hurt and damaging this EA is for your husband? He will never get totally over this. You have hurt him until the day he dies. I think for your safety, this is over and you both have a part in this tragic situation. You have the biggest part. Be safe. I do see part of how you feel, but I do not think you know how bad and hurt this is for him.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Oh, I am well aware that this has hurt him to the core. I am well aware I broke him. He was depressed before, but I broke him. He still needs to address his depression. We still need to address why we got here. He is willing to work on it right now, but swears he will not go to MC. I think I’m going to pass on the apt for now. I will lose a small deposit, but I feel safe enough for a while. I will tell him about it though. He needs to know. 

I finally finished the letter. I think it’s good. There is no blame. There is no anger. I apologize and move on to what I will need to make it work. Then I ask him for forgiveness and for him to respond with his specific needs. It’s taken me days of writing, reading, rewriting, and rereading to get it out correctly. Its only two pages (small’ish print) long.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't see that there is a need to require him to go to MC now. You both should have IC, but MC isn't necessary, in my opinion. His depression and your emptiness are things you can work on individually in the safety of a counselor's office.


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