# I want her to have an affair



## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi everyone. My wife and I have been to an MC for the past couple of months. My wife didn't really commit to the process and since I've allowed myself to entertain the notion of splitting up, I too am not very hopeful about the outcome of marriage councilling.

We're a relatively young couple, I'm 31 and she's 33. Married for 4 years, together for 5. Our relationship has been slowly fizzling out over the past 3 years I would say. Sex life has been under par for 3 years (once or twice per month) and has been non existant since seeing the MC.

The main issues that she has brought up at marriage councilling are to do with me not appreciating her enough and not doing enough around the house (i.e. treating her as a house cleaner). I'm fed up with her not earning a proper income (she's never earned over $10k/yr since we met) and I can't commit to someone knowing that if kids come on the scene she really has an excuse to earn zero money. I already feel very taken advantage of, and I struggle to commit knowing that this could continue indefinitely. She is an independent woman in some ways, but is financially dependent on me and I think she resents me for that. I have never been comfortable with her being financially dependent on me. Her self confidence has always been low and I've been waiting and encouraging her to shine by paying for education courses and encouraging her to go for jobs with more responsibility that she presently does. She is a kind and carefree woman, but I feel that she's very immature and may never grow into the woman that I want. 

We made the mistake of trying to start two businesses at the same time last year. My business is supporting hers at the moment, although we are losing money on both. This no doubt put a huge pressure on our already unstable marriage. As far as I can tell, she wants a blank cheque to run her business from me, and whenever I try to get involved in the management she gets very defensive and says I'm trying to be her boss. She is a creative type and not good at managing the business so I want to help with that aspect and not the hands on work. She is a very hard worker on projects that she enjoys doing, but really doesn't care about earning much money. We're close to losing our house and even then she doesn't really grasp that her working a part time job would really help.

I'm really sad that things aren't working out, and I feel guilty that I've continued with the relationship for this long knowing that she is close to the age where having kids becomes risky and will need to find another guy soon if she's to have kids. 

She went away for a girls weekend out and I found myself wishing that she would cheat on me so that I have a definitive reason for leaving. Sad but true. Has anyone else had these kinds of thoughts? Do you think this is worth continuing on with?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Respectfully, that is pretty weak.

You don't need a reason to blame her for ending the relationship.

The sooner, and the clearer you make your intention to end it based upon your perceived lack of her participation as an engaged partner, the sooner you can both move on with your lives.

She's complacent. And in a negative way ... so are you.

Sounds like you are emotionally checked out, but are hesitant or fearful of taking the actual physical steps.

If you do not, your resentment will only continue to grow, and despite faulting her inaction, the real culprit will be your own inaction.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I wonder if she thinks that you think about money more than her. You mentioned how much she earns, her failed business, her lack of ambition, not working enough to pay for the house, etc.

I am glad you came here for ideas and advice. I would suggest evaluating yourself and really figure out if you want this to work. Waiting for her to mess up so that you can have a reason to divorce is weak, like deejo said. Hopefully, coming on here will help you figure this out. Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

robert1234 said:


> My business is supporting hers at the moment, although we are losing money on both.


I guess I'm having trouble understanding some of the content in your post. You stated that your wife had never earned more than $10K/yr. Yet, if your business is also losing money, you aren't even making $10K/yr. It doesn't sound as though your wife is the only one who doesn't understand business principles. How long do you continue to lose money, before you find a job?

Obviously you knew your wife was not a career woman when you married her. What's changed? Would things have been different if your business were successful?


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks Deejo, yes it is weak. I guess the point is, is that I can't identify anything in particular that says we she definitely split up - it has just kind of fizzled and I'm not sure she's the right match for the rest of my life. It may be fixable and it may not be.

You are also correct that I have emotionally checked out, which she no doubt has detected and may be a large part of our issue. Is it possible to 'check back in'?

I am hesitant/fearful to take the physical step of leaving because we have 5 years invested in this and I'm not used to failure. 

We are seeing the MC tonight and I'm contemplating being more straight forward on what my criteria is for us to continue on together, which again, I'm not clear about myself.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

robert1234 said:


> We are seeing the MC tonight and I'm contemplating being more straight forward on what my criteria is for us to continue on together, which again, I'm not clear about myself.


I cannot emphasize enough the importance of being open and honest while in counseling. From my perspective as a counselor, it makes things go much better and it also better facilitates progress within the individuals and the marriage.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I guess I'm having trouble understanding some of the content in your post. You stated that your wife had never earned more than $10K/yr. Yet, if your business is also losing money, you aren't even making $10K/yr. It doesn't sound as though your wife is the only one who doesn't understand business principles. How long do you continue to lose money, before you find a job?
> 
> Obviously you knew your wife was not a career woman when you married her. What's changed? Would things have been different if your business were successful?


Hi Aug, I should clarify - my business is new and had it's first good net profit last month. It has been providing me with a salary for the past 6 months through startup capital I had invested and money that I arranged through a bank for the startup. I do have enough money to pay the mortgage and other expenses (just) but not enough to support my wife and her loss making business at the same time. The difference being that I have a business plan, am accountable to a bank manager and I am responsible for paying the bills whereas my wife has absolved herself of those responsibilities by saying whatever she earns is worthless compared to my salary so why bother, and relies on money that I bring in to fund her life and business. We did talk at length about when to draw the line on my business if it lost money (i.e. we sell the house and close the business when our net worth is down to $X k) but talking about her business is painful. For example last time I suggest that she gets a part time job to pay for the startup and ongoing costs of her business resulted in her saying that she was going to leave me because I didn't support her enough. 

You're right, she wasn't a career woman when we met and her free-spiritedness is probably one of the first things I was attracted to. However, she's a really really clever person and has always talked about getting better jobs. We mutually decided to put her through some fitness courses because she was good at them and there was good money and careers available on completion of the courses. Her self conciousness, shyness and negative outlook means that she couldn't bring herself to actually work in those areas after we paid all the money and she did the courses which leaves her back in the seasonal job, minimal wage hole that she was in before. That's what I mean by I'm eternally waiting for her to shine. There's only so much self sabotaging I can take.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's good your business is now starting to show a profit. However, if your wife's business is not showing any promise, then the loss should be cut. Perhaps give her a time line. Also, she may need to put her business on hold until yours is well established. After owning one business with my estranged husband, I couldn't even imagine trying to build two businesses at the same time. Common sense would say it would be helpful for her to find a job with benefits.

While marriage counseling may be beneficial, I can clearly see your wife is in need of individual counseling. She has issues which will forever hold her back and come between you. In many ways I'm now like your wife. Due to the intense stress over the past five years, I'm not able to focus on much of anything or hold a regular job. The issues you described going on with your wife really can be debilitating.

Hope you guys can get help and find a solution.


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## Emersyn (Aug 23, 2011)

Be careful what you wish for. Although you wish she would have an affair so you would have an out, it may come back to bite you. Good luck.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I wonder if she thinks that you think about money more than her. You mentioned how much she earns, her failed business, her lack of ambition, not working enough to pay for the house, etc.
> 
> I am glad you came here for ideas and advice. I would suggest evaluating yourself and really figure out if you want this to work. Waiting for her to mess up so that you can have a reason to divorce is weak, like deejo said. Hopefully, coming on here will help you figure this out. Good luck.


Since they are on the verge of losing their home, and getting kicked out into the street for God's sake, he is entirely justified in thinking more about money than his wife's "feelings"


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

robert1234 said:


> Hi everyone. My wife and I have been to an MC for the past couple of months. My wife didn't really commit to the process and since I've allowed myself to entertain the notion of splitting up, I too am not very hopeful about the outcome of marriage councilling.
> 
> We're a relatively young couple, I'm 31 and she's 33. Married for 4 years, together for 5. Our relationship has been slowly fizzling out over the past 3 years I would say. Sex life has been under par for 3 years (once or twice per month) and has been non existant since seeing the MC.
> 
> ...



"and I can't commit to someone knowing that if kids come on the scene she really has an excuse to earn zero money...."
This is exactly what will happen if she ever concludes that you are taking steps to exit the marriage and end her free meal ticket.......a "mistake" will happen and you will become a parent. Every time you have intercourse with her you are placing your future happiness at extreme risk.


"She is an independent woman in some ways, but is financially dependent on me and I think she resents me for that." 
She is not independent in anyway - she is a self entitled user - nothing more. Let's just be direct - she never really had the work ethic, drive, or ambition to make something of herself from a financial or employment perspective. What she had was excuses - why is this your fault? 
Let's be even more direct - she used the lure of sex to get someone (YOU) to do all of the work she was never willing to do. The rest is psycho-babble marriage MC bull (Have you noticed how so much of this is your fault from their perspective?)


"She went away for a girls weekend out and I found myself wishing that she would cheat on me so that I have a definitive reason for leaving."
This type of thought and desire is completely understandable and healthy for a man in your postion. This is not a "weak" thought; it is no different than a poor man dreaming of winning the lottery.

"Do you think this is worth continuing on with? "
No........... and you already knew this was your own answer to the question before you posted it.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Sounds like you are emotionally checked out, but are hesitant or fearful of taking the actual physical steps.
> 
> If you do not, your resentment will only continue to grow, and despite faulting her inaction, the real culprit will be your own inaction.


Deejo I've been thinking about this. I've trying to work out whether I think it will be possible to 'check back in'. We really did have something good going at the start, but those niggling things that entered in the first couple of months have persisted through our relationship. 

How do you explore whether it's worth continuing? At what point is inaction, or another way to describe this - waiting for the situation to improve before truly committing, not the way to go? Is an MC likely to be able to help me deal with what I see as incompatible personality traits and deal breakers?


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