# He is leaving me because I can not get over his serial cheating



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I think some know my story. We've been together for 13 years, married for six. One soon to be two year old son.

I found out about his serial cheating in June ( not affairs, casual sex hook ups on Craigslist, swingers), and his acting out with men and women (he describes himself as bi-oral). He described it as compulsive sexual behavior so I told him if he got therapy for it id consider staying. I busted him arranging a meet up again a month later and still gave him another chance. I was still in love with him.

We kept on having unprotected sex but something in me says to myself that did I really believe he'd stop because I told him too. I'm scared of stds. The sex slowed down and he's complaining but also propositioning me for public sex and telling me he knows he'll talk me into a threesome. So yesterday, I told him I want to use condoms and he told me he was done trying to make it up to me because I obviously couldn't get over his cheating.

And I can't but I'm still in love with him. When he's good, he's a great husband and father. He warns well and he's a capable guy around the house. He does everything here and i am used to that now. He is larger than life. He gives generous gifts and he's an involved father. We have a great ocean view house and live a fairy tale life ( no money problems, nice vacations). But I have to remind myself that he can also be verbally and emotionally abusive). I know this sounds strange that part of me wants to make this relationship work and then the other part of me wants to smack myself across the face.

In the end, I know I need to give my son a healthy example and this husband and marriage are not healthy. But I'm scared to let go. But I guess I have too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't be afraid. Fear of something is worse than facing it and dealing with reality. I left a 45 year marriage this summer because my husband cheated a second time (that I know of). It can be done. And you can be happy again. I am. 

I'll keep you and your son in my thoughts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You've been saying you need to leave ever since you came to TAM. When are you actually going to DO it?!?

Go back and read this thread you started in August

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/114290-vent-help.html#post3943354

You haven't done a thing since then, have you? You said you were scared then and you're still scared now. I get that. But you aren't moving forward at all. You're stuck in a rut. You know what you need to do. You KNOW. Now get off your butt and DO it already.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

He is not a great husband and father. You deserve better than this, can't you see that? He is treating you very badly.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> So yesterday, I told him I want to use condoms and he told me he was done trying to make it up to me because* I obviously couldn't get over his cheating.*
> 
> And I can't but I'm still in love with him. When he's good, he's a great husband and father. He warns well and he's a capable guy around the house. He does everything here and i am used to that now. He is larger than life. He gives generous gifts and he's an involved father. *We have a great ocean view house *and live a fairy tale life ( no money problems, nice vacations). But I have to remind myself that he can also be verbally and emotionally abusive). I know this sounds strange that part of me wants to make this relationship work and then *the other part of me wants to smack myself across the face*.
> 
> In the end, I know I need to give my son a healthy example and this husband and marriage are not healthy. *But I'm scared to let go. But I guess I have too*.


You have stuff, but not love. 

He is done trying because you can't get over being cheated on? REALLY? Who is this narcisstic person? Is that love? Is cheating on you a loving thing to do? Then telling you to essentially "get over it" so he can have a threesome with you? Are you into that? 

This is not a healthy guy. This is one who feeds his bad wolf with no care or concern for the nuclear family. None of this behavior is driven by the heart. It's driven by his gonads. And you don't need a man, a husband, a life-mate or lover who doesn't know what it means to be a man, a leader of the family, an example of someone who's out of frigging high school. 

That may have sounded more like a rant than advice, but I think you need to get pretty darn good and mad. You deserve better than this.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

He is doing you a great big favor. Let him go. Everything will work out once you get over it and you will get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You are standing at the edge if the pool, afraid to jump in. Just do it! The longer you hesitate, the harder it will be. Just do it!


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Of course he came back. Didn't even say sorry or agree to anything I asked. And as usual I didn't say anything. He hasn't apologized or agreed to therapy but of course he said he loves me.
I feel like I'm in la la land.

I just need to get through Christmas and my sons birthday party on Saturday and then I'm going to tell him I stand by my demands of sex addiction therapy, marriage counseling and condoms stand or I'm out. See, I think he's trying to make me end it so he can blame the split on me. I want him to know that he is at fault for my mistrust, the divorce, his son growing up in a broken home. 

The thing that also pisses me off is that he stole 13 years of my life by pretending he wanted marriage and a family. He would have stolen my whole life if I never find out about his activity. My son and I need health and happiness, not this sickness. I mean, why did he come home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So what if you get blamed for the divorce? Who cares? I filed because my husband cheated. I told people why I filed. God knows what he told people. Certainly not the truth. Do I care? No. I'm free and I'm happy. You could be too.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> So what if you get blamed for the divorce? Who cares? I filed because my husband cheated. I told people why I filed. God knows what he told people. Certainly not the truth. Do I care? No. I'm free and I'm happy. You could be too.


I agree. Mine cheated most of the 11 years together. I filed recently but we've been separated for 6 months. Of course he says it's because things didn't work out, blah, blah, typical canned answers instead of "I'm a lying adulterer". No **** Sherlock! Of course things won't work if you're cheating! Sorry OP but serial cheats usually just keep cheating and expecting you to get over it. It's not you that needs to change, it's him, but he's trying to get you to change to be what he needs. Don't. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, since he is so broken.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I am going to jump into that swimming pool. He is acting like nothing happened and he never asked for a divorce. He's a controlling manipulative agile and I feel ashamed I fell for his crap this long. I keep on saying this quote that says we have to let go of the life we planned so we can live the life waiting for us.

He brainwashed me into thinking I'd be list without him. Well, I'm lost with him and I refuse to let this be my life or my sons life. I mean he played games with my life. I am going to file for d and he can F off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

looking for clarity said:


> Of course he came back. Didn't even say sorry or agree to anything I asked. And as usual I didn't say anything. He hasn't apologized or agreed to therapy but of course he said he loves me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Words mean nothing. People will show you who they really are.

Hire a shark attorney. Go for alimony, child support, full custody, the works. You don't want this disordered man raising your kid.

Sex addiction my a$$.


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## betrayed_by_cheater (Dec 26, 2013)

I wish that I could not relate. But unfortunately for me, this is very similar to my situation. I never believed that he would cheat. I thought we were in love. But three weeks ago I found out that he is not only having an affair, but also having casual hook-ups with whatever woman will have him, and ALSO having oral-sex with men. He meets these people through the internet, swinger websites. 

The lying is a deal breaker to me. We've been together for 4 years and he has put me through drama and hell but I loved him through everything. I just never expected the cheating because he is such a liar. I just trusted. The bi-sexuality floored me, but believe it or not, not as much as the affair. Its with someone that I know casually. 

I realize now that he is compulsive with his sexual behavior and I consider him a sex addict. He is having sex with everyone but me. Our sex has slowed down almost to nothing. I am an attractive woman. He has always displayed a lot of ****-phobia, but it's just a front. And so is this whole relationship. 

Still in his sick way, I believe that he loves me very much. He keeps me for companionship and for the "front" of a normal, nice guy. He, like your husband, is in many ways a great guy. And he wants to put forth that appearance. 

I deserve better and so do you. I prefer to be alone rather than have someone that disrespects me, lies to me, makes me feel unattractive, and hurts me in many ways emotionally. 

You've already been through hell with this man. So I suggest to stick around long enough to document his infidelity very well. Get all your "ducks in a row". And perhaps speak to a lawyer behind his back. 

Good-luck to you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Sex addiction my a$$.


I agree. There's no such thing, in my book. Stop being a drunken teenager jammed with hormones. That's as close as any of us ever come to being addicted. It's called GROWING UP.


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

Looking for Clairity, I am sorry you are in this place. I can relate, I am in a slightly similar place myself. 

Fear is your bodys way of telling you that somthing is wrong. I didnt want to listen to the fear. My ears are wide open these days! One someone tells you about them selves, LISTEN! Read between the lines and they will tell you everything! My wife told me years ago that she had cheated on all of her ex-boyfriends. I should have listend to her. Guess what?? I just found out that she cheated on me too. The signs are there if you listen. You know what you have to do. 

Sorry you and your son have to go through this.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Hope 1964, thanks for reporting my old post. I had made a post in Cwi about bs been in the fog and I didn't realize how the verbal abuse took such a toll on me. I was really foggy about leaving as he had really convinced me my life was nothing without him ( or I had let him convince me of that). If you're called stupid enough you begin to believe it.

I read this great book called why he does do that and I'm much less foggy now. I know I can leave and be without him and that was missing when I first found out. I was so in shock and heart broken and just not rationAl. I guess I had settled for the relationship and fallen asleep in my life but the deception made me wake up but I didn't want to get out of bed yet.

I have it six months and it's been six months of rug sweeping, hardly any remorse and insincere change on his part. When I wouldn't settle, he left me, but he came back. So I will end this "relationship" and find myself again. He will be free to have all the sex in the world but he can't have me anymore. And I have a certain toddler whose over the moon about his momma and that's good enough for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Oh and I just found a new contact to a swinger couple on swing life style in his secret email account. Hashemite works in great ways. I was scared to leave in case he had changed but this confirms all I needed to know. Thank you universe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I certainly hope you mean it this time. You deserve FAR better than the scum you're married to right now. What's your plan?


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I want to get through my sons birthday party tomorrow civilly ( he's a nightmare if he's pissed off). My father in law is staying for the weekend and I just want my son to have a good birthday.

I'm going to call a divorce lawyer and file the papers so he can't move or hide assets. I want full custody and he can get two weekend visits with no overnights. I can't keep my house as I can't afford it and it's too much work to maintain it and work full time and be a single mommy.

I have to find a small house ( with a yard) to rent. I want alimony and child support. I want him to go to hell. He breaks up with me because I ask for an std test. How is this my bizarre life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Go to the bank TODAY and take out half of whatever's in there. Open a new account. Do it before he gets the idea. It's legally yours.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He hAs it all in stocks and bonds and mutual funds. We have a lot of stock options that haven't vested yet. There is hardly any fluid money, we have to cash it out to use it. I have good credit but can't get loans because our debt (2 properties) outweighs my single outcome. I am going to copy the paperwork though but he gets a lot of these statements in paperless form now. It's going to be tough financially when he controls all the assets.

My mom can lend me some money for a divorce lawyer and a down payment of a lawyer. It's crazy that I never saw the financial abuse and control until now.

Wow I've been a big idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

if you have an accountant or finance attorney, now would not be too late to talk to them and figure out your best way to make quick changes. Before he's onto your moves. It may be late already. he may have seen this coming.

You're not an idiot. You trusted, and were taken advantage of. It happes to lots of smart, capable, loving, trusting people. Sadly.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Are mint statements admissible? He forgot I created the account and have access to it. I just printed it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I can't answer that one. I'd call a tax atty or someone like that. Or your divorce atty should know someone.


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