# Advice please



## pennerosa (Feb 13, 2010)

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Hi there,
My husband and I have been married for 19 years( not alot of happy years tho). Started dating at 14, then 5 years later got married. Have to children now ages 18 and 16. To make a long story short he is the type of man who is quite controling, angry alot of the time, verbally abusive mostly towards the children which have had major effects on my son the most. We have split up a few times over the years the last one 4 years ago due to my need to do what i thought was best for my children. At that time i had strayed and knew why..had an affair. We were only split up for 4 days of him begging me back .. promising to change and all that stuff. I did tell him about the affair before considering to go back and we somewhat delt with that..he understood why i got to that point. Now..39 ive been taking a close look at my life and wondering if i am where i want to be..am i happy and in love with my husband. I am not attracted to him at all, he totally annoys me, in the past 2 years i go out with my friends alot...i know its because i dont want to be at home with him. A few weeks ago while on vacation in mexico...we had a blow our last night there..it all came out about how i dont feel like im in love with him...etc. Since we have been back we are separated...but now he has totally changed his life..going to church , counsilling and everything..wants me back . I on the other had dont feel anything at all. I do want to make sure i am making the right choice, but i cant seem to focus just on what i want without all the other factors in my life like children , money our house playing a part. Now being split for 2 weeks i honestly dont miss him at all. He comes around every few days or texts me..wanting to make things work..he does know that i need my space now and i have been totally open with him with how i feel right now....I just feel like there is a wall around my heart..blocking my emotions towards my husband and my marriage. Desperatly need advice please!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Give yourself time, and tell him you cannot answer now. Focus on yourself and your kids. If time does not help you find your answer, that IS your answer. If you begin to long for him, then that's your answer to try and make it work. Don't feel bad about whichever way you go. Trust yourself. 

He may be patient and show you a new side of himself that you find really attractive. He may lose patience and blow up at you, reminding you all over again why he left. He may just leave you alone to figure it out. All good.

I don't know if this will help or make sense, but I felt absolutely nothing toward my h when my marriage ended--no anger, no guilt (except a little guilt about not feeling guilt--I was raised Catholic, so I expected something like that), no sorrow. I didn't miss him at all (and it's been nearly a year now). It took several months to realize I had been detached for so long that I had gone through all those emotions a long time ago and had been living with him but totally disconnected from him for a very long time. If anything, I felt mildly friendly toward him, wishing him well but so relieved I didn't have to share living space with him any more--my home is slowly becoming neat and orderly again and I love it! My time with my kids is totally focused on them and we are happy together and relaxed, and they are developing a closer relationship with their dad in their time with him.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think the feelings sisters359 and you feel are kind of typical for females so I am just asking you to think out of the box a little for your husband.

Women seem to be able to be more emotionally promiscuous with their partners.

Men seem to be able to be more sexually promiscuous with their partners.

There's somethign biological and hormonal about that I suppose.

That is, you are able to come to end of your marriage and not really feel anything because you are a woman. Men aren't quite able to make that leap. Just like men can have sex and it's really no big deal - just an evening of fun between the sheets. Women can't make that leap. (generally speaking)

Now, i don't know how deep this emotional abuse is/was but that coudl be a reason why you aren't feeling anything either. But, and I am sorry to say this, I think often women can be liberal with that expression - emotional abuse.

You say you weren't/arent' attracted to him. . .could he have been expressing frustration at that fact vs. it being "abusive"? How was he specifically verbally busive? Was it reactionary or did he just walk in at night and say, "Make me a sandwich, woman!"

Honestly, I think it's okay to fall out of love with someone but the fact he's going to church, counseling, trying to change himself and you are really not doesn't bode well. He's taking it personally and I don't see any of that in you.

You've checked out and he's still checked in. That makes the whole situation disproportionate.

I know this isn't necessarily what you wanted to hear. . .you want me as a "nice guy" of the forum to say, "Oh, big bad meanie, ape husband. You just run away, far, far away. . ." but something tells me this runs deeper.

Sorry, just an intuition - your post was all about you and how you were/are a victim even though you had affairs on your husband and he wanted you back.

Sounds like the "abuse" runs both ways.


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## pennerosa (Feb 13, 2010)

Yes you are probally right..the abuse may run both ways. Thanks for your input. And yes it is like i totally checked out and he is still checked in. The emotional abuse was more directed to my children and as a Mom it was the hardest thing to watch, even tho it came to a head and it was discussed....but he never saw his own faults until now..to me i just feel like the saying goes..too little too late. thanks again to all that posted...appreciate it!


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