# Think i'm done ? Rarely feel anything !



## Duckmaniac (Dec 20, 2013)

looking for advice and opinions. Not sure which way to turn. Mind has vecome numb and i have little enjoyment of most anything in life. Not even able to enjoy things i previoulsy did. 
51 yo male, married college sweetheart in 1987 and been married for 28 years
I Developed a drinking problem in the 90's with a job that provided lots of free time and lots of access to booze. Drinking progressed heavyily until early 40s. Wife eventually confronted my drinking in 2001 and i admitted i was drinking much more than she aware, and i compared it to an affair. She then broke down and confessed that she had two separate 2-3 mo affairs before and shortly after we got married. I had some suspicions of the something not right before marriage but zero to the one before. I had even asked point blank questions asking her if she had ever cheated or been tempted and she answered no. 
One week after learning of the affairs, life dealt me another harsh loss in that my mother passed away due to breast ca which wasnt totally unexpected, but much more quickly that anyone anticipated. 
I was emotionally destroyed at this time and drank even more heavily. Alcohol was a problem before but I was a "good" drunk which i know sounds incredibly stupid, but whwt i mean is that i was not mean or violent ever with drinking and mostly alcohol just put me in a sedated and relaxed mood. And yes, i am aware that most drunks including good ones are not a lot of fun to be around ! So my wife put up my drinking and is a good person for helping me stop. I stopped drinking in 2003 and have been sober and alcohol free since then ! 
Not a lot of people know the entire story but every single person that does assumes that my drinking was "at fault" or a a large part of what drove my wife to have an affair. But, in fact, during the time The affaris occurred we did not drink ! It has always bothered me that noone (counselor , pastors) ever really seemed to understand or even care that her infidelities occurred during the part of our relationship that should have been very strong. 
So we struggled to remain married, for her, idk ??? except that she says she loves me. After these revelations, i remained mostly because of. My boys 1 & 4 at the time. I knew that if i divorced, i would never have any custodial rights and most likely would not see them very often ( and rightly so as i was still a drunk !) and being without my boys was simpy unacceptable. I have changed a lot since that time and I really wanted to move on and continue our marriage and have grandkids etc...
But, now as i my kids approach late teens, and need us what seems to be less frequently or less intensely, i am beginning to question if my wife is really somone i want to grow old with. Weve been togerther for 30 years, two dating and 28 married.
We do both love each other but things just have seemed to grow so stale and routine and communicating with her anything beyond the basic day to day routine is so cumbersone and tedious. I have less patience in trying to listen and talk to her that frankly, i just dont seem to have the energy but mroe importantLy the desire to talk and share things. 
Now this is an inportant part thqt i have left out until now. My wie has never been gifted in communication. She is simply quiet by nature and is not real "chatty" like a lot of women. We have had several talks and even in counseling, a counselor asked her if she had ever been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome as her verbal communication is characterized with short choppy sentences. Oftentimes she will simply omit key words or phrases in a sentence so that the whole point of her conversation is missed. And she is the only one thqt doesnt realize she hasnt yet made her point ! She is not un-intelligent ! She is a very smart and has a BS degree in nsg. But she just doesnt communicate as effectivley as some. She also does not use nornal voice inflection and gives and receives very little non-verbal communication ques when speaking. 
Ive always appreciated her and lived her for who she is and those little flaws in communicating were simply part of her that i overlooked because i loved her. Now, these communciation issues irritate me to no end. I honestly sometimes dont think i can stand being around her even a few minutes and thought of living the rest of my life is must depressing. In fact, the reason i am posting this is because of a miscommunication we had when going for a walk. She was telling me a story about a patient she saw last week. She told me the entire story and expressed the only point she intended to make in the first sentence. I then listend for 7-8 minutes of all the details she wanted me to know. When she stopped talking i honestly was confused as to what she was even talking about and i asked , And ..... ? Well she interprted that as me being a smart ass and got angry with me. I then apolgized and asked her several questions trying to tie in the 4-5 pieces of tangential details with the the first topic. It wa impossible ! The tangential details were just that - a tangent. They had absoultely nothing to do with the point or original topic at all. Truly Puzzling to me ! And of course she just became angrier at me and stated I was just trying to make her feel bad about her communication. I told her to enjoy the rest of her walk and turned around and came home. 
Nothing will be said tomight about this. If i bring it up to discuss im an ******* and just being mean. She wont bring it up. And honestly, im to the point where i just dont give a f""" ! We never have disagreement unless they are this little trivial BS stuff. 
The only reqlly good thing about our relationship in terms of communication has been sex . We are very sexual and very sexually compatible. But at 51, I WANT MORE !!!
Should i just near with it ??? When do you know its time to call it quits ??? Her communcaition ability is neve going to improve, and im not sure i can take it much longer !


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

thats a lot of history to throw out the window now. You need to put some serious thought into this. 

I'd consult a good Psychologist. 

I'm not in favor of therapists/marriage counselors. They are limited and most probably get their certs from Walmart anyway.

Divorce is severely debilitating emotionally and financially. At your age maybe impossible to fully recover.

Good luck to you


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Duckmaniac said:


> She then broke down and confessed that she had two separate 2-3 mo affairs before and shortly after we got married. I had some suspicions of the something not right before marriage but zero to the one before.


She said she had an affair before, and another after you got married.

Then you say you had suspicions of the one before marriage but zero to the one before that, indicating that BOTH were before marriage. 

That's impossible from what you wrote. Maybe she's not the only one who has an issue with making a point.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Duckmaniac said:


> looking for advice and opinions. Not sure which way to turn. Mind has vecome numb and i have little enjoyment of most anything in life. Not even able to enjoy things i previoulsy did.
> 51 yo male, married college sweetheart in 1987 and been married for 28 years
> I Developed a drinking problem in the 90's with a job that provided lots of free time and lots of access to booze. Drinking progressed heavyily until early 40s. Wife eventually confronted my drinking in 2001 and i admitted i was drinking much more than she aware, and i compared it to an affair. She then broke down and confessed that she had two separate 2-3 mo affairs before and shortly after we got married. I had some suspicions of the something not right before marriage but zero to the one before. I had even asked point blank questions asking her if she had ever cheated or been tempted and she answered no.
> One week after learning of the affairs, life dealt me another harsh loss in that my mother passed away due to breast ca which wasnt totally unexpected, but much more quickly that anyone anticipated.
> ...


Sounds to me that you are jaded with life, you have both been through so much and you want to look forward to a life of fulfillment of excitement. The way to do it is to get rid of the wife?

You point out the flaws she has but do not really mention your own. Your wife must have been a saint to put up with your many years of drinking, women leave men for a lot less. And believe me when I say there is NO such thing as a good drunk, drunks cause a lot of pain, frustration, co-dependency, so quit minimizing that aspect.

The idea that somehow you will be much happier alone or with someone else is a misnomer. Many like you point out the 20% that is missing in their relationship but do little about it and instead go looking for it outside of the marriage only to discover that they find the 20% but lose the 80% they had.

Perhaps you should but on your big boy pants and stop whining, you get sex (many men here would be very envious!) but what are you providing to your wife in terms of meeting her needs?

I think it is time for some heavy self reflection in your case.


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## Duckmaniac (Dec 20, 2013)

just a mistype. Should have read that i had no suspicion about the one after we were married. Just typed this hurriedly. 
Lots of errors in typing as well. Yours was not the opinion that helped - but thanks for the cynical attitude in making an attempt at offereing advice. Not a lot of help though !


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

She might be manic from how you described her tangential speech. Its easy to falsely identify communication patters of aspergers after you have familiarized yourself with the symptoms and behaviours.

The fact that you wrapped up so many symptoms, tendencies, intelligence, and her career direction into just a few sentences of your massive wall of texts, tells me that you really want to believe she is aspie.

Have a specialist diagnose her not mayoclinic.com/symptoms/aspergers_syndrome.html


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## Duckmaniac (Dec 20, 2013)

aine said:


> Sounds to me that you are jaded with life, you have both been through so much and you want to look forward to a life of fulfillment of excitement. The way to do it is to get rid of the wife?
> 
> You point out the flaws she has but do not really mention your own. Your wife must have been a saint to put up with your many years of drinking, women leave men for a lot less. And believe me when I say there is NO such thing as a good drunk, drunks cause a lot of pain, frustration, co-dependency, so quit minimizing that aspect.
> 
> ...




If you were someone in real life that gave me that kind of advice at this point in my life I would simply have to walk away from you. What i would really want to do is give you a biatch slap to your head. What a condesceding POS you are for your statements. I posted what i did to give a clear picture that the marriage has problems caused by us BOTH not one or the other. You tell me i minimized drinking as a problem in the marriage - i thought i was being open and honest. I guess you presume thwt adultery wasnt so bad since it was her doing it ! Why you trying to minimize that aspect ? and i asure you she was no saint !

"bigboy" pants - really - why did u even bother posting. Keep you smarmy cynical attitude to yourself ! Worthless POS


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I think I see why your wife is afraid to talk to you, good luck.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Duckmaniac said:


> Should i just bear with it ???


Yes.

Since the affairs and drinking are in the past, and daily life is generally good, and the bedroom is rocking, why toss it for the magical ''more''?

And before you bite my head off, your communication style could use a bit of refining also! I'll assume, for your sake, you are frustrated by the situation and you don't talk like this to your wife…hopefully.

It would be a shame to destroy your lives together for something that isn't THAT important. The next time your blood pressure starts to rise when she's struggling with a story, put your arm around her, kiss her on the forehead and remember we are all deeply flawed human beings just trying to get to the finish line in one piece.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Duckmaniac said:


> What i would really want to do is give you a biatch slap to your head... What a condesceding POS you are for your statements... "bigboy" pants - really - why did u even bother posting. Keep you smarmy cynical attitude to yourself ! Worthless POS


Well Duck, I think it's pretty obvious that your wife isn't the only one in your marriage who needs to improve their communication skills.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Duckmaniac said:


> If you were someone in real life that gave me that kind of advice at this point in my life I would simply have to walk away from you. What i would really want to do is give you a biatch slap to your head. What a condesceding POS you are for your statements. I posted what i did to give a clear picture that the marriage has problems caused by us BOTH not one or the other. You tell me i minimized drinking as a problem in the marriage - i thought i was being open and honest. I guess you presume thwt adultery wasnt so bad since it was her doing it ! Why you trying to minimize that aspect ? and i asure you she was no saint !
> 
> "bigboy" pants - really - why did u even bother posting. Keep you smarmy cynical attitude to yourself ! Worthless POS


Wow! I really did not mean to offend you but you do minimise your own faults, drinking is a deal breaker for many, have you thought about the damage done by those years? Your wives EAs (though not clear when she engaged in them- I think you said before marriage which makes a difference) are equally as bad but if your were drinking all the time and were not present then there you go, it was probably a contributing factor. 
If your wife has AS then wouldn't it be a good idea to check it out instead of walking away? I believe your wife has been quiet all these years because she is too afraid to talk, any opinion that you do not agree with was probably met with the same scorn and rage your directed at mean, someone who probably hinted at the truth of your situation. 
I can tell now you were not a good drunk, with language like that I am sure you were a really mean SOB, be thankful she is still with you! Sometimes the truth hurts, no?

PS I replied to your private message, and do not appreciate your threats, you do not scare me, I have dealt with much worse. Get yourself a counsellor and deal with your own inner demons.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Duckmaniac said:


> Keep you smarmy cynical attitude to yourself ! Worthless POS


Two words.

"Anger" "Management"

Do you refer to your wife in such derrogatory terms?

The question is rhetorical, your attitude towards helpful anonymous internet posters speaks volumes. Did you really threaten this member in a private message? Wow you're over the top. 

You must be very difficult to deal with. It's not "everyone elses" fault that you have so many problems in your relationship.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Maybe it's just me... but I think the vibe everyone here seems to be getting is that your situation doesn't sound that terribly bad. It sounds like your wife has some communications issues that you find highly annoying, but you didn't describe any ongoing major issues like (recent) infidelity, excessive laziness, unwillingness to perform sexually, gambling/drug addiction/porn addiction/physical abuse, habitual lying, etc. We're not seeing any major "deal breakers" here. 

As it relates to her communication issues that half of your pops discusses, I'm sure those are frustrating, but it sounds like she finds it frustrating too, so this seems like a prime candidate for couples counseling and or a psychiatrist. I bet that could help enormously. Certain medications might help too.


Aside from that, if I read between the lines a bit, it leads me to a few questions. Have you met someone else by chance? Even just casually/friendly? Your overall tone just gives off a vibe that you are looking for a good reason to leave your wife because something else is making you feel happier than usual, and you'd like the support of others to determine if this is the right decision or not. Even if you don't respond to this or are not willing to admit it, consider whether there is someone else in the picture who shouldn't be. Just a thought!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I think you two need to try and go to marriage counseling before you consider separation or divorce. But if divorce is the only solution for you guys then there are ways to get free divorce forms and resources online. I found something that may help you, good luck. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Duckmaniac said:


> If you were someone in real life that gave me that kind of advice at this point in my life I would simply have to walk away from you. What i would really want to do is give you a biatch slap to your head. What a condesceding POS you are for your statements. I posted what i did to give a clear picture that the marriage has problems caused by us BOTH not one or the other. You tell me i minimized drinking as a problem in the marriage - i thought i was being open and honest. I guess you presume thwt adultery wasnt so bad since it was her doing it ! Why you trying to minimize that aspect ? and i asure you she was no saint !
> 
> "bigboy" pants - really - why did u even bother posting. Keep you smarmy cynical attitude to yourself ! Worthless POS


WOW! And now the REAL Duckmaniac comes out. Holy cow! Do you even hear yourself?

You DO need a therapist.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aine said:


> PS I replied to your *private message*, and do not appreciate *your threats, you do not scare me*, I have dealt with much worse. Get yourself a counsellor and deal with your own inner demons.


Double wow.

I hope your wife divorces YOU.

But I'm gonna guess that two decades of living with your vitriol and temper has eroded her to a shell of her former self. 

Another thought: My H has contempt for my intelligence and ideas and thoughts, too. And guess what? I barely speak out loud around him any more. Sound familiar? And no, I don't have Aspergers. I just choose not to waste my breath and thoughts on HIM.


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