# Trickle Truth, but seems that it's all out now...HELP!



## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

Last night, after two tense weeks of separation, I was talking on the phone with my husband who said that what he had told me before about a ONS with a random girl was 'not the whole truth'. I had him come over and told him that this was his last chance to tell EVERY DETAIL if he wanted this relationship to have a possibility of surviving. Here's the story he told:

We dated from 2006-2010 and went through some very rough times together, then we got married in June 2010. There were some issues leading up to the wedding, he had a period of cold feet, but on the day of we both were in a good place - we knew we loved each other and we wanted to make things work. We tied the knot in the courthouse and had a small dinner reception.

About a month later, his parents moved in with us (2 bd apt to save money) and I started working three jobs. He subsequently starting English classes full time at a local community college and then found a full time job about two months later. 

At that job, he met a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend. I work in domestic violence and she had overheard him say that so she showed him her bruises and asked for his help.

He gave her the info to be able to leave the guy and get into a shelter. She left, then later was able to get her own apartment. He always helped her out - offering some of our old furniture, helping her move, etc. I was so proud of my husband who was being so helpful to this poor woman.

One Saturday morning last spring, he got an early morning call and rushed out the door. He said he was headed to the hospital. The girl had been stabbed by her ex and H went to be there with her and translate for her.

Apparently, their EA/PA affair started sometime in January of 2011 and continued to May. He broke it off in May and told her he wanted to make things good with his wife. He and I went for a long weekend to celebrate our first anniversary...and shortly after, she called him to say she is pregnant and the baby could be his.

Now, he is confused about what he wants. He knows he loves me and pictures his life with me in the long term, but still has some feelings for her - unclear on what those feelings are.

To be honest, this story fits in WAY better with the H I know and love. He was never a ONS kind of guy, but I could totally see him taking a helping relationship too far. 

I know he sincerely regrets what he did, but the issue is that he is not sure what to do from here. He said he feels like he deserves to be alone forever. The girl recently cut him out of her life, saying she wants no contact - which kind of hurts him, especially if the baby is his.

I'm so torn. I know I love this man. I hate what he did, but I can see how it came about. I'm so worried that he's going to leave me for her, even though he says he realizes that they barely know each other and that they have no 'relationship' to speak of. I told him if he leaves me to be with her, he's not going to be welcome back.

Anyone ever been in this shoes? What would you do? What DID you do? Help!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh dear. I am so sorry this happened.

What do YOU want? If you want to be married to him, you will have to accept another woman may be having his child and that child will be a part of your lives for 18 years. Can you live with that? 

By your math, the affair started 6 months into your marriage, but you say he met her last spring... before you were even married.

You say you "fear" he'll leave you for her. Lose your fear. Fear is a useless emotion. 

What do YOU want? Can you work past this with him? If so, he needs to be 100% honest with you from now on and transparent. Or is it this dealbreaker for you?

Look up "Snowy's" threads on here. She is going through someone very similar right now, she's only been married a year and some change & her husband got another woman pregnant and the baby was confirmed to be his.


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## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

Thank you for your quick response! 



Jellybeans said:


> Oh dear. I am so sorry this happened.
> 
> What do YOU want? If you want to be married to him, you will have to accept another woman may be having his child and that child will be a part of your lives for 18 years. Can you live with that? I do want to be married to him. I feel good knowing that he told the girl NOT to have an abortion. I know he wants to step up and be a father, if the child is his. I just don't know how I'll feel if/when those situations come to pass, you know? Easy to say on paper, very difficult to live in real life.
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is he telling you he is confused about? About your marriage? About the OW? 

_How can I lose this fear? It means my whole life, everything I've imagined, will be turned upside down._

Yes, you rlife has been turned upside down--because of what HE did. Do not own what he did for him. The only reason you are in this predicament is because he cheated on you an got someone knocked up. That was his choice/doing. 

So either you will have to accept a baby in his life for the next 18 yrs with another woman or end it with him. Those are the two choices.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This really sucks. His affair came out of a sincerity and a good place to want to help a person in need. That is complicated. Ultimately he still messed up hardcore...but I can see why the circumstances lessens the sting just a bit.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Wanting to "help a person in need" does not mean f-cking them, knocking them up all behind your wife's back...


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## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is he telling you he is confused about? About your marriage? About the OW?
> He seems to be confused about what he really wants. Like, how could he do this to me if he really loves me. What are his feelings about OW? Are they love/care or more a sense of responsibility? How should he interact with OW considering the circumstances? She has said she wants nothing to do with him and has not contacted him for the last month and a half. He's a little hurt by that, wondering if she used him as a post abuse 'boost' and is now rejecting him. I think mostly though, he doesn't want to make a mistake here. He doesn't know whether to A) try things with her and give up on us if things won't work out with her (which I doubt they will) or B) accept her rejection and work on the marriage, being as much of the baby's life (if it's his) as she'll allow him to be, knowing that after all this our marriage may not work out.
> 
> _How can I lose this fear? It means my whole life, everything I've imagined, will be turned upside down._
> ...





sinnister said:


> This really sucks. His affair came out of a sincerity and a good place to want to help a person in need. That is complicated. Ultimately he still messed up hardcore...but I can see why the circumstances lessens the sting just a bit.


Exactly. It both lessens the sting and severely complicates things. I mean, I work in a helping field. I understand how easy it is to allow a helping relationship to get personal. We were having issues in our marriage, she was on a total rebound and he was her 'knight in shining armor'. What guy doesn't love that feeling, you know? I'm not by any means saying that I pardon his choices or that they were right or appropriate, but I am proud to know that he was willing to help her. He just has MAJOR boundary issues (to be fair, we both do, to an extent) and that, to me, is something that could be worked on.



Jellybeans said:


> ^ Wanting to "help a person in need" does not mean f-cking them, knocking them up all behind your wife's back...


I definitely agree with what you're saying here, Jelly. Although, as I stated above...helping relationships easily morph into personal relationships if you don't keep appropriate boundaries. An area he obviously needs help in. I think the hardest things for me to understand are how he didn't feel that he could voice his concerns about the marriage before it came to the development of this relationship and of course that it got so far as to involve a pregnancy.


Thank everyone for their input. Any and all support is helpful for me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He's a knight in shining armor lacking in loyalty and honor.

I wonder how true the pregnancy is and whether he's the father.

In any case, your husband's judgement and standards need readjusting.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

Hmm, I hope this info helps you. Your husband has some similar characteristics like my own. That need to help anyone in dire straights! There are some good things about it but I have learned the negative side of it. For one, you are easily vulnerable at this state! 

I believe the OW is simply doing her all to manipulate your husbands emotions! Just to get you (the competition) out of the picture. His ability to be manipulated would have been less if he never slept with her! But, because he did more than once, his heart and reasoning center of his mind is strongly influenced by the OW's sexual past images. Because he committed the act while exchanging verbal promises and sharing his heart! He somewhat bond himself emotionally to her. This is why he is confused! about what he wants. 

*Allow me to explain, My wife and I got invited a resort with some of her co workers friends. We were there for 1 week. During this vacation, a women showed up 3 days later, some friend of her male coworker. I am normally, your standard computer tech nerd and I am an *******! or smart ass from time to time, so I don't really draw people to me my personality at all. I mention this for a good reason. Somehow this new women, took to me, we hit it off (this stranger??!) we had sooo much in common & it was not an act on her part. 

Some strange circumstance occurred the next day, causing my wife to go out to the beach with her male coworker for 2 hrs and left me alone with the strange women. Other people (guest at the loft) made jokes saying " I would be better suited with the strange women and my wife with her male coworker" I could actually see some truth in it, Those two did hit it off rather well. 

You see, I am not the jealous type. I can get somewhat unnerved by a situation though but not to the point its going to control all my emotions. Anyway, I got to walk on the beach with this OW Stranger and found myself lured to her! Intellectually and sexually. The strange women began to flirt with me which was not good. This is when my reasoning kicked in, I thought to myself, "she knows I am married and does not give two ****s about it! " The same thing might be going on with My wife? Her Male Coworker might be trying to convince her to leave me(the ******* that I am) 

The strange women and our conversation ended on the beach with us just returning the loft, no sexual encounter, no more flirting, I put an end to it by removing myself to go elsewhere, all I could think about was Proverbs Chapter 7..The whole thing!

When my wife got back, and we finally left that place, we talked on the way back, she had mentioned that her male co worker does like her, I told her that her male co workers girlfriend apparently likes me also? She asked me can I see myself with her? I said yes! via face value. As I could see her with him. But, that does not mean it would work out???! It just means that there are some compatible characteristics that draws us to them as the one's we have for each other drew us so close. 

**My wife and I hide nothing from each other, we were friends 1st before we got married and we will always be friends until the day we die! No matter what happens. 

**I know this is lengthy, but I do have a point, it is the very relationship my wife & I have that saved me from being manipulated! Fear is only "False. Evidence. Appearing. Real" This OW is a counter-fake! Your husband unfortunately is just being manipulated at the highest sexual level. His mind is being held by a lie and the promise thereof! 

*He needs to find out or you, if this OW is telling the truth! Time will tell, but if I was him, I would have no contact any further. 
*Wait until the child is born and then do a DNA test period!.
*He has to stay away from her for at least 90 days, he say whatever to you but guys are normally weak! Stupid Idiots! We don't see what happening until we have fully walked into the trap.

I know he is your husband, but he is also your friend, right?? Your friend has stupidly allowed a very mentally unstable women to manipulate his kind heated nature, and she is taking him for a very destructive ride. If it is allowed to run its course! He will loose you, her and all he has worked for, normally the whole situation is intended to take him out!

Your choice! only your choice, is to rescue your friend, husband from his stupidity! by exposing her nature. Remind him of the fact, that she took no real regard over the fact he was married? I don't care who came onto who, they both are at fault but she could have stopped it! She choose not to, instead, she did all she could to strengthen it so he would leave you. What a B...tch!


*If it helps, copy and past what I wrote and give it to your husband to read, it might help him see clearly even though his emotions are clouding his Judgement.

You know, that strange women & I still have contact, meaning, she can email me anytime, but the pull she once had is no longer present since I removed all conversations with her for over 180 days. Amazing what happens when you remove the influence away from you and give yourself time to resist! Now, she is harmless to me, some may not believe that? but I don't care, I do nothing in secret, my wife has all my passwords to my computer, social network sites , all of it! That's by my doing be the way and not hers, if she thinks I am acting inappropriately with someone, she tells me, heck she even deleted some stupid girl who kept trying to flirt with me on FB. FB, another real pain in the ass as an open door that can destroy any relationship! Yes I know there are other sites even worse and what people decided to do , that they shall do, but FB is more dangerous, it gives you the access to be open to all your family and friends but gives you the tools to do other things secretly with no one finding out. 

*In short, : Rescue your husband, Have him completely withdraw from this OW for at least 90 days! Remove all contact! cell phone numbers, emails, social network sites, FB,MSP, Etc, Yahoo ...This is not you being controlling! He will need these guideline restrictions to survive the onslaught by the OW! Trust me, she may have said she wants nothing to do with him because he will not leave you! That will change, it always changes with the type of personality this women has. 

Go see a marriage counselor! its not for you, its for your husband! so that he can speak and talk it out! Don't be surprised if this OW did not try the same "Helpless in danger act" on some other poor slob.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ Turn, the way your story was going--I was so glad to see you did not cheat on your wife. Good for you! But having contact with that woman you mentioned is not a good idea.


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