# She wants out, and I know allot



## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

Well, she hit me out of the blue for a separation/ divorce last Friday. Lets give a little background. We met when we were 19 dated on and off thru college and lived together after words and finally married we’ve been together for 21 years basically, 15 of those married. Two wonderful boys that I love with all me heart. We are both turning 40 next year and she is having a mid life crisis, she had a more minor one when she turned 30.

My concerns as she stated she wants out, she wants a new life, and more importantly she has NO FEELINGS for me anymore, not love, not friendship, not caring. I am amazed at her harshness, as I lived for her and my family.

I can say we have had financial problems and that has changed me over last three years. She never wanted to talk about cutting back and I was chastised as if I never was doing enough to provide our lifestyle. I felt nervous as I tried to balance everything. As I am typing this I realize that I did so much to deliver I think I failed at being…

She has been involved actively with Face Book and has been reconnecting with her high school friends like crazy. She has been growing more distant as her participation has intensified finally leading to her hiding her phone and then sleeping with it. I was suspicious and she left her email open about three weeks ago, I found self portraits of a man I think I know naked and engaged with himself.

Well, this set off all kinds of warning bells, I bugged the computer and found out that she was actively engaged with this fling, and another gentlemen she new in high school. She has definite feelings for him. I can say she is definitely in the infatuation stage and is giddy with him. I see pet names, I love you, I miss you, etc.. I also see reference to text, phone, and maybe even cyber sex.

I’ve done my research he is divorced 2200 miles away, single parent. I have his number and email, and know allot more then she thinks I know. Actually she opened the cell phone bill tonight and proceed to remove the detail sheet from it, I already printed it off the web two days earlier so I know.

She has agreed to counseling, but I think that is based on her parents not standing up for her decision and standing up for me ( I’m a very devote husband, loyal, loving, but I have made financial mistakes). I need to improve on how I treat her with love and admiration that is in my heart and not for granted as the mother and head of the house.I am absolutely in love with her emotionally, spirituality, and sexually

My immediate question is, should I contact this gentleman and tell him to back-off since it has really been only three weeks?

After reading allot of posts on this site I realize there is a consistent theme I see that when woman loose there feelings they don’t come back… I am scared my boys are wonderful and such nice happy kids this is going to ruin them, we don’t fight she doesn’t speak to me, will not talk, and actually is very sad around me.

I appreciate any input… this really sucks…

D


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This is one of those things that could go either way. She could resent you getting involved and the result could be that she draws closer to him.

OTOH, you need to stand up for what's yours. IMO, I'd confront your wife first. You don't have to let her know you have all of this information. But tell her you know she's got an online thing going on and that you feel that it is disrespectful to you, your marriage, and to your children that she carry on this way. See where that leads.

Honestly, sure, I'd contact the other person if this were happening to me. I'd pull out all of the stops.

However, know that it is really up to your wife what happens. If the guy pulls away she may blame you. If he refuses, she may see him as really loving her and being willing to stand up to you and he may be seen as some sort of white knight. Those guys are hard to topple. She won't see his true colors for a while... but the kind of guy who sees no problem stealing another man's wife is hardly a white knight.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

:iagree: with dobo. Again! You need to talk to your wife first and lay it all out for her. Yes, it could go either way but if you say nothing it will only go one way - the wrong way. When you talk to her, be patient, be mature. Do not yell or get ugly, let her know how YOU feel and lay out an ultimatum for her; it's either you or him. Make it uncomfortable for her; it's not supposed to be easy. Remember she is the one who is having the EA. Also, see if you can get a handle on what it is about you or what it is that you are not doing for her that had led her to seek attention elsewhere. You can work through the ho-hum of 15 years of marriage by trying to spice things up a bit. Also, if she agrees to work things out between you; she needs to be an open book with her email passwords, phone records, etc. Be prepared for her to be upset at you for checking on the phone records and her facebook account behind her back; just don't let her lose sight of the fact that she is the one doing the cheating and that you want to make things better with your marriage. If you still love her; it's worth the fight.

I would not let her know that you have the OM's number and email - he may change his email and block you on the phone if she tells him. Keep that as your fallback plan. Yes, I would have probably called him if the conversation with my wife did not pan out. This guy is messing with your wife and he is screwing around with your marraige; you have every right to interfere and contact him and let him know that you are aware of his actions and to FO before the situation gets uglier. Good luck to you.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Listen to the wise words you have been given by brighterlight and dobo. Think of it this way as well. If you don't confront your wife about this and she leaves you because of this - where is your loss if you loose her now anyway.

I'm not talking angry confrontation. Put your foot down gently. Just I know about this, it upsets me that you are doing this and for the sake of our marriage would hope you stop. See - no threats etc. Don't demand it stop -- that could push her to these guys. But let her know there are consequences if she does not stop. That way it is her choice.

I only wish I knew that then myself.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i have been chasized for my thoughts on this, but here goes again.

tell her what you know and that her apparent willingness to go to counseling is a front for her guilt. demand that she immediately stop this contact right away. contact the dude and tell him who you are and that you don't appreciate his meddling in your marriage.
tell him your whole story, even if it is painful to recount to a complete stranger.

i think dobo puts it best.

good luck my friend.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yep. Let her know you know. Tell her she needs to cut off immediately.
Then contact him. Tell him your side and family issues. 
This is how I'd handle it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is between you and your wife, so leave the other man out of it. Seriously. That is totally childish! She must fish or cut bait-give him up 100%, turn over to you all methods of communicating with anyone upon demand (anytime you want to see what she's been emailing, for example), etc. She's broken trust, so she has to earn it back, on your time table. Get counseling, be open about what you've found, don't let her get in trouble deeper and deeper with lying; she may feel there is no way out--just tell her you know what's been going on, give a couple of examples, and move on to counseling and rebuilding. Be prepared, however, for her to refuse to cooperate, to want a separation, maybe even a divorce. Things can turn back at any stage, of course, but you must be prepared to risk all if you want to save it all.


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## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

Wow, great advice allot to think of about. I will confront her non threatening, I found two very good articles on Cyber relationships and how many people find it as the new form of safe cheating. Every thing that they cover every mentioned stage, warning, and behavior she is currently doing. I will give her the articles to read and understand what she might not understand and where this will end up if we don’t work together.

I really liked "feelingalone" line "_Just I know about this, it upsets me that you are doing this and for the sake of our marriage I would hope you will stop_". This accomplishes two things one, I don't divulge anything yet, and I still will contact him if she takes her next action towards him. And if this fails I'll look at the ultimatum with examples.

Amazing thing was last night she found out that he does this with other woman and still proceeded to cyber engage…I find it so unbelievable... make up cyber xxx….

You people are so good I wish many blessings for all you among this world of hurt.


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## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

Well, we finally fought tonight I confronted her with the articles and pieces of info that I know stuff (oh-well). It is good it is all out. She really hates me, I "disgust her" to be around. I guess that states where we are at. 

Wow, a release but a sick feeling surrounds me. I didn't do it to script but I tried to make it non threatening, and she made me go to the ultimatum. 

Well as this further unfolds I'll repost.

have a great night Big_D


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Big_D said:


> My concerns as she stated she wants out, she wants a new life, and more importantly she has NO FEELINGS for me anymore, not love, not friendship, not caring. I am amazed at her harshness, as I lived for her and my family.


Sorry to hear of her harsh words, but I'm glad you got things out in the open, it would drive you crazy otherwise.

At this point, since she is using some pretty strong words as to how she feels about you right now, you will probably need to have some good talks (hopefully through counseling) and hear her out.

See if you can guage whether her feelings today are linked to when she fell for this guy online or if she's been unhappy for a while. I know it's hard knowing what she's been up to lately, but it's important to recognize why she got to this point so you can determine whether it's something you can reverse.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Swedish has some very good points. OK, so you say it got ugly; but look at it this way, you are now at the beginning of resolving your issue. You initiated a kick off point to get this resolved. Think about it, if you would not have confronted her, you would be at this point when - 2 months? 6 months? At least now you can start to work on recovery if she wants to go that route. Let her fume for a while. When she calms down, she will approach you again - good or bad but at least you got it out in the open. Time is precious; we don't have a lot of it to waste on hurt and anger.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Big D.....I see so many similarities between your situation and mine.....the main one being the phone thing....my wife suddenly is glued to her phone night and day....whereas before she could have cared less about the thing....the main difference between your situation and mine is you know what is going on....my wife's phone and laptop are through her work so I have no way of seeing what she is doing...only strong suspicions that I am not yet to the point of confronting her about.....good for you hashing is out with her....we are all hurt by what our spouses are doing and are afraid of the ultimate consequences but at least you may now have a chance to get to the root of the problem and cut it off before it ends your marriage....best of luck!


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## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

In Turmoil, I am so sorry, that you can't investigate anything. That would be very frustrating. 

One Suggestion is if your personal emails are thru let’s say a cable company and your the primary account name, you can have access to all accounts, maybe not the actual "sent" mail, but I always like the auto forward function for received (make sure you keep copy on original is checked), no one ever knows it is on. I would be highly suspicious of her using her work account for anything.

I did take the phone from her at one point and went to her text and email messages. But technically it is my phone my account…Not recommended if it is a company phone.

As a last resort, I would probably go to her supervisor and find out if it is OK for employees to use company equipment for personal use. Most likely not, and that would lead to him or her helping you, or loss of company assets by your wife. Which force her on to the home computers? But heck don't listen to me… I am a mess to.

I am just going to post what is going on below this. But feel free to send me and email or message. I wish you much luck


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## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

Ok, so I left you on our Thursday night fight. It is now Tuesday and allot has gone on, the Cyber Relations got intense over the weekend, and on top of it she was insulting me beyond belief for me trying to be kind and listen, and offer as much help as possible. It really made me mad and Sunday we had it out (again), I told her to end it with Mr. XX and not to make contact with him again. Let us try to dismantle or put our lives back together over the next 3-4 months. I told her if it doesn’t work out she is more then welcome to move out and continue her affair, not under my roof with the kids in the house. I also told her if he cares more about you then your thong color, Captain Computer J*&K OFF might still be around.

Well, that being said she actually did break it off from doing stuff in the house and on her phone, one small note on FB about how she hates this and misses him, but her heart is broken like mine. Sadly this feels good.

I proceeded to call him and read a scripted message from my lawyer to him, and basically told him to back-off, this is my family, my boys, my wife and my life!! He can be there in the future to J*&K-off on the pieces later. Well that felt good to. Also, pointed out that I had enough information on him and her to proceed with him being a defendant in alienation of affection lawsuit.

She is now heart broken, and her family has sided with me (which I did not ask for, but is nice). So she is at least in a position to talk better. Monday we talked instead of yelled, her ****iness is gone, and she is actually telling me more and more. We will have to see how the counseling goes tomorrow. But this has been a goal a target a milestone for her… She has mentioned it in quite a few emails, posts, and IM chats that can’t wait till Wednesday… well either she has more bomb shells, or is actually looking forward to third person listening. Who the heck knows… I can say that I am better prepared then when I first posted this. Divorce would suck, and God knows I still love her, but as the hand goes I always play all-in, and we have the river coming up.

For those following the kids, my oldest knows something is up, and I have hugged and kissed him and dried tears on this already. Amazing how as a parent she would ever want to hurt them, without trying and warning me first is waht makes this so amazing.

A little stronger-
BIG_D


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ahhh. It went down as I suggested in my posts. Good for you!! Sometimes they need a good slap in the ego to wake up and see reality. I hope counseling went towards the good side for both of you. And Kudos to you for getting a lawyers opinion on contacting the OM. I would like to know what he said after you called him. At least it gives is all on hear some glimmer of hope that there is some form of justice in this world.

But really, it sounds to me like good news that your W is beginning to see where her responsibilities lay. You can work through this if she is willing to save your marriage.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Good job. Now the hard work begins! Good luck!


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## Big_D (Sep 30, 2009)

OK, well counseling was interesting, first time I never saw a shrink. New a few who became shrinks from college, but never actually did it. Interesting. 

I was kicked in the groin last night by the counselor basically supporting that she is changing and “I am relationship ignorant… really a disability that it is not my fault” She needs to help me catch up with her and it was not my fault. Not sure if that will happen she is pretty darn stubborn when it comes to it.

Also, by me trying to “fix” everything as “all guys do” we come across as controlling and over bearing, (No SH*T). But that may help that information I found useful…I may not try to I anything right now. I have had allot of time to think about this today, and I think I will be civil, but not inquisitive or domineering.

She finally slept last night for the first time in three weeks (glad someone did). Also found out as suspected the collapse really escalated in August. The financial is impacting, but what I was surprised about was that nothing about her turning 40. I can’t believe it because she has been different for the last nine months. All our friends have had problems similar to this, and even older woman friends in my family admitted to being more flirtatious at this change.

He did focus on her feeling of being controlled for a long time and even from her father, this was leading somewhere and I thought maybe that is why independent sessions would do more good (I am questioning that today… thoughts?).

We have two more sessions free, and we elected to do them separately. She has some issues she is holding back, and I surely didn’t throw her under the bus for the EA on FB.
She actually seemed happy I think last night that she wasn’t crazy… 

I am so exhausted, tired, my heart absolutely hurts, with no family for either of us within 2500 miles, I can say not being able to hug her for my benefit and for hers is killing me.

During the session she said she is afraid that if she does touch me she will fall back into the “pit”, so touching me is a risk so that is why she won’t show any affection. She did say that she was undecided on the Divorce, but 99% sure she wanted to proceed. 

I am so tired and sad I think tomorrow is a sick day, my productivity has absolutely gone to wind, can’t concentrate more then 20 minutes on any given project. 

Three-day weekend and some Halloween decorting should be fun. Use to be our favorite holiday.

Hanging in there another day...
Big_D


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

I just went through EVERYTHING you reference Big_D. My wife--'scuse me ex-wife is still in the infatuation phase. You are going to have a tough time ever competing with someone who doesn't have to be real. She doesn't snap at him, she doesn't listen to him snore etc... she only sees his good points. Unfortunately, it takes moving on and forcing the prince charming to live up to the image sometimes before the facade crumbles. All too often that is past the point of restoring normalcy in yours, hers, and the kids life.

If you are not willing to wait out the storm (and there is always a chance that it won't be a passing storm) then you need to make some decisions. I wrestled with EVERY thing. She doesn't want to fix your marriage at this point. As bad as it sounds to hear this--and I heard the exact same words and harshness from my wife is that she is INCAPABLE of loving you or considering that she ever WILL be able to love you--right now the marriage bonds are broken between you and you are applying logic while she is applying emotion.

Its ugly ugly ugly.

Get the book Betrayal of Intimacy and go to the romantic affairs chapter and read about yourself. I swear I read through that and can plot the timelines of our marriage breaking down within days and weeks.

Sorry Bro for this but above all else you did nothing wrong and you need to understand that. She has made and continues to make poor decisions and sometimes you can't protect people from themselves.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Just read your last comment Big_D. This is a textbook scripting. She is deliberately sending you confusing messages because if she acknowledges any responsibility for this then she'd have to fix this. The two of you are in the "Blamelessness" phase of this all where she sees you as a controlling person etc.....That's what she is telling your counselor and that the two of you have "changed" and "grown apart" over the years and are very different people. Now, what she will probably say if not already is that "the marriage may have never been right from the beginning" and this is going to be a kick in the teeth BUT she needs to rationalize the damage she is causing and the only way to do this is to justify this. Think about it--she is acting so selfishly right now that she is willing to make her bad choices really your fault. It might be a while before she sees herself in the wrong but eventually she will.


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