# Confronting Spouse with Proof



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

I recently found out my husband was still in contact with the other woman. We had a big ol' discussion about how if he wasn't willing to stop talking to her then he needed to leave. The kids & I left for the evening and I wasn't sure he would still be here when we came home. He was and he told me that he would stop contact with her. But that it would take a little bit of time. 

Anyway- for about a week I knew he was having some limited contact with her. Last Sunday as we were coming home from Easter dinner with his family, he called me (we were in 2 separate cars because we had both the kids & the dogs and we don't all fit in one) and told me that he had cut things off with her. I really wanted to believe him, but knowing he had lied to me about this once before has left me skeptical. 

I did something I probably shouldn't have, but I figured out the password to his online billing for his work phone and sure enough, he hasn't cut of contact with her at all. The calls & texts have been much less, but they are still happening. I even waited it out a few days to see if maybe she was just calling for closure or whatever and then it would go away, but it's been 5 days now and sometimes HE has initiated the calls or text messages. 

I know our marriage can't be fixed if he won't give her up and at this point, I don't think I can believe a word he says. Because it feels like it's all just a big fat lie. 

I know I need to do something with the information I have because staying around knowing he is lying to me will only make me crazy. Plus I deserve better. No one deserves to be lied to in a situation like this. And it pisses me off at how great he has been at home lately- very involved, affectionate, saying all the right things, etc. Yet daily he has some sort of contact with her. Ugh. I hate him for that. 

Maybe in some ways he's being manipulative in his own way. He knows that I don't want this marriage to fall apart and that I am working to save us. I'm sure through our conversations he knows that I am afraid to start over as a single mother. I'm sure he knows that I hate confrontation, end up feeling guilty when we fight (even when it's not my fault) and that I actually worry about his feelings (often when it is undeserved). So he says the right things, does the right things, all the while probably thinking that I'm not strong enough to leave, or that I'm so in love with him that I'll put up with this crap. 

So- my question to all of you is how did you confront your spouse when you had "evidence" against them? I feel guilty for even "snooping", even though I know what I found is so much worse and is information I am entitled to know. 

I hate confrontation, I hate fighting. I'm exhausted emotionally & mentally from all the fighting that has already happened. So I have several thoughts:

* Just leave while he is at work one day and let him know by note that I'll be back later to get our stuff and sort out details and then come back another time with my dad to get whatever stuff I want/need.

* Leave him copies of the phone records with a note that says I can't live with a liar and do basically the same as the above. 

* Just tell him that I know he's still in contact with her and when he asks how I know, tell him it doesn't matter, but I do know that it's true and that we need to be done. Still likely to end in a fight, and may come out that I got into his account. 

* Tell him in person that I got into his account and found out and that we're done- most likely to result in a fight, him being mad that I got into his account and me ending up feeling like crap. 

* Telling him that in order to really trust him again I would like to have copies of his work cell phone records and that we could log into them right now online. This would give him a chance to refuse me and then I can just say that's a dealbreaker or let him log on and hang himself. Likely the first option would happen. 

* Have a conversation basically leaving out the fact that I know he's in contact with her and either ask him to leave/ let him know I'm leaving and that this isn't going to work and just move forward with a divorce. 

He has told me up to this point that I can stay in the house as long as I want if we decide to split up. I don't know how I feel about that. He would obviously still have keys to the house and it seems like a ridiculous waste of money to change all the locks. He has never been a violent person, but you just never know how people will react in these situations. And I don't want to deal with any more drama than necessary at this point. My parents live within a few hours and have already said I could come live with them (long or short term) if all this falls apart and I'm fine with that. 

I would feel bad about leaving my job as I have a great job and a great boss, but I know he would understand. So there is a part of me that thinks it would be best to stay here for a little while giving me time to keep working, look for a job near my parents, let my kids keep somewhat of a routine, and move my stuff up each weekend. I just don't know. 

I am devastated beyond words as I really wanted this to work. But his actions tell me that he doesn't. Actually I think he does- he just wants the best of both worlds. He wants me as his friend, business partner, maid, nanny, cook, etc who is around for sex when he wants it, but doesn't want to give up whatever it is that he emotionally and/or physically gets from her. I'm not ok sharing him, so I think it's time for me to throw in the towel. I wish I didn't love him so much. It would make walking away easier. I know I need to stop letting this go on and move forward with my life. I'm just not sure how to take the next step.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Have you already been to counseling? I hope things work out for the best. It does sound like your hubby doesn't want to give up the other woman.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

What about making an appointment with a marriage counselor and both of you go to the appointment? That would be a good place to bring up this little issue. I believe you would know where you stood then. In addition, you would have a referee.

What about the other woman? Is she married? Perhaps send her a note (if married talk to her spouse). Just let her know how embarrassing all of this could get for her.

With the shape our economy is in, you probably need to stay where you are. Jobs are hard to find. Plus, a move right now could disrupt your children even more.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

A lot of what you do depends on if you really want to save the marriage or exit it.

First if you want to separate I would ask/insist he leave. Why should his affair cause you to leave your home? Cause your kids to leave their home and school? Affect your parents lives by having to let you and the kids live with them, and yes I am sure they are happy to help but it still isn't fair to them. All these things are collateral damage caused by his deceit, not yours, so why should you suffer any more. And if he leaves and you both agree to work on the marriage he needs to open up everything to you, computer records, cell phone, anything you ask for going foreward to prove he has stopped contact with the OW. 

Cooper


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

I really did want to save our marriage. But I'm afraid that I'm married to a compulsive liar, at least when it comes to this woman. And I know our marriage can't be saved if he won't give her up. I don't want an open relationship, so if he won't give her up the only option left is for us to split. 

I actually have 2 part-time jobs, one which I work from home/on the computer and I still have that one. I am able to work that job up to 30 hours a week and make pretty decent money. So a move would not hurt us too badly financially, but it is only a temp job and I will have to find something else. 

I have no desire to stay in the area. We moved here for him. His job, his family, his friends. I do not have a support system in the area. My parents actually have an apartment in their basement that they have offered to me if this doesn't work out. They really just want to be there to help and it was their idea for me and the kids to come there. 

I'm not looking to be vindictive. I won't force him to sell the house so I can get my half. It's not worth it to me. I would probably ask for half the equity that we have in it, but otherwise he can have it. He did tell me some time ago that he would leave and I could stay with the kids as long as I needed to figure out what I wanted to do. We would continue to pay bills out of joint accounts until I had moved out and he moved back in. 

He refuses to see a marriage counselor. He says it would just be paying someone to help us get divorced. I just think he doesn't want to lose the good things he has here, but doesn't want to give her up either. So right now he's walking the fence and getting both. 

If he was truly willing, I would try and save our marriage. But this is multiple times he's lied to me about this and now it makes me wonder what else he's lied about.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Oh and on the other woman. She is divorced. Ironically her marriage ended because her husband cheated on her. Nice that she would turn around and allow it to happen to someone else. 

My children are not in school yet. They are 4 years old & 18 months old. My daughter is in dance class and I would love to let her finish out her year and get to be in the recital. So I am half tempted to stay in the area until that is over and then make a move. That would be the only huge disrupt in their lives. They are still young enough that they will bounce back (and they also know people and have friends in the area where my parents live).


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

hy did you leave, its him that leaves or kick him out.

recently found out my husband was still in contact with the other woman. We had a big ol' discussion about how if he wasn't willing to stop talking to her then he needed to leave. The kids & I left for the evening and I wasn't sure he would still be here when we came home. He was and he told me that he would stop contact with her. But that it would take a little bit of time. 


Its over, your first paragraph s,mmed it up.

Time to cut bait.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You need to remember you have a vested interest in your house and all other marital assets. If you walk away from everything because you don't want to deal with it or him he wins, you lose. I am not saying take him for all you can I am just saying take what is rightfully yours, or you will regret it later. One bad aspect of throwing him out would be he would then have the freedom to see this OW at will, so prepare for that. But it sounds like you have made up your mind mentally that the marriage is over, now you just need to set things in motion. Protect yourself financially first, then tell him to leave, file for legal separation, and from here on out try and deal with him in a business tone. No pleading, no begging, no accusations, you are done, he screwed up and now he pays for his crimes.

Cooper


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

I am actually far from ready for this marriage to be over. I would like to save it. I'm just not sure he does. He says he does, but then he keeps in contact with her and lies to me about it. I don't know how else this could possibly go. I know I need to move forward- either with this marriage or without it. But I can't just keep doing this. I guess I'm just not sure how to best approach this situation.


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## Unique Bird (Apr 18, 2009)

iwill,

After reading your story here I think you might need a little straight talk. I mean no offense to you but sometimes we need to hear it right out. 

He is out of the marriage already, has been it would seem for sometime. Your right he knows your to weak to actually leave. He feels you will stay there and he can do whatever he wants when he wants and your actions are proving that he can. 

Now here is where it might sound rude or mean but it is more for you to see things for what they are. I have been in your shoes as well. So here it is. 

Time to pull up your big girl panties and act like an adult. You not throwing his butt out on the street only shows him and your kids it is ok to be treated this way. Your kids are young right now, if you don't put an end to it now, do you really think this will be the only time he cheats???? 

Your teaching your kids it is ok for another to disrespect you and lie to you just don't cause a fuss and put up with it. If you can't leave for you, leave for them. Remember kids learn what they live. 

Your husband is having his cake and eating it to and your letting him. Grab your self esteem and get to your parents place now. No reason for this to go on another day. 

Now back to nice LOL It sounds like you have given him the time and chance to end things with her, he choose not to stop. Walk out leave a print out of the bill on the table with a note (take a copy with you) Get a lawyer and live your life in a way that you respect yourself. 

No need to get all drama struck over it. She can have him. They are both cheaters and soon it won't be fun anymore with her because all the back door/sly meetings/secret life will be gone. No more fun. Prove to him you love yourself and kids more then he realized.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Well....alls I can say, is that AT SOME POINT HE WILL REALIZE HOW PATHETICALLY STUPID HE IS!!! He is walking away from a wonderful life, for trash. It does sound as though he has made his choice....now, yet again, you get to be the adult in the situation, and end whats left of the marriage. It is probably what you should do. You do know that this does not mean the absolute end of your marriage.....most people here would say you should NEVER even think of giving him another chance....but lets play the "what if" game: If you left or booted his butt out, he's going to get a real  feel for the bed he made. It seems as though this _specific_ woman is his weakness for some reason....what if he truly realized his stupidity and was finally ready to leave her behind for good? What if he was willing to up and move with you and the kids so you wouldn't have to worry and be suspicious. If he was willing to open all accounts to you, change phone numbers, etc??? Of course it would be an even longer road then it would of been had he confessed and been honest in the beginning, but all things are possible. 

I guess my rambling point is...it's time to act...do whatever you feel most comfortable with, be it moving to your parents or staying in the house....but you do have to do SOMETHING. 

So sorry you have to go through this...


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Its time to end this Iwillsurvive.

Theres nothing left here. This is a sham, and you have resorted to spying because there's nothing left of this marriage.

There's no need to confront with evidence because he's a liar anyways, he'll find excuses or just flat out deny it and you'll be stuck arguing.

You need to realize, that there's nothing YOU can do to save this. All your teaching him by confronting him and demanding things from him is that he should try to get away with things for as long as he can before he is caught. 

Your absolutely right, he knows he can walk all over you and you wont do a damned thing about it. Doesnt that piss you off? End this now.

He can say OK to it all...cut contact and everything, but he's doing it for the wrong reasons. He can start up anytime again...as soon as your trust returns.

Look. just end it. And dont leave the house. Its your house too, and you take care of the kids...get a lawyer and make him pay temporary child support and spousal support so you can get on your feet. 

Also, what are you willing to bet that he has been stashing money somewhere. A lawyer will help you find it and split it in half. Trust me, this guy is an actor! He's been doing this for a LONG time. 

Tell me, is he emotionally abusive? Besides the cheating and lying...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Every cheater that is more than a one nighter does exactly as your husband is doing. They lie about every phase of the affair, especially after discovery.

The length of time of the affair is only admitted to the level that you know about it.

A cheater, once discovered always tries to go into deeper cover instead of stopping what they are doing.

There is a slim chance of recovering your marriage but he has to be confronted. He has to be transparent and to know you know he is still at it.

I suggest you try the marriage counseling route before breaking things up.

Yes, it is emotionally draining. I know.

But there is a chance you can both of you together move him out of his crappy behavior.

Yes, ultimately he has to do it. It is so not fair that you have to step up to fight for the marriage so he will.

I get that.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Tim-
Thanks for you input. No he is not abusive, emotionally or otherwise. And until this woman came back into our lives, we had a really great marriage. Like raising5boyz said this woman is his weakness for some reason. They have a long history together and for some reason, he can't see past it to what she really is. 

And it would be VERY hard for him to stash money. I control the finances in our marriage & business and all his paychecks are direct deposit and nothing has changed as far as those go. I think he would be surprised to know that I've stashed money away ever since things started getting bad. I figured I didn't want to be left high & dry. 

Ugh. I just hate this. 

I feel that he at least needs to know that I know he's a liar and that I won't put up with that. I know everyone says not to leave, but I have no desire to stay in this town, in this house, anywhere near here. I don't want to live in the house that we worked hard to get and make a home together. I don't want to be in the town where I could run into him, see him with other women, etc. I would rather be far away, living my life and thriving. I may stay here for a time. But if this marriage is ending, there is nothing for me here. 

I have decided that I will confront him in some way. I will let him know that if he truly does want this to work, he needs to go to counseling and also become transparent. If he isn't willing to do both of those things then he is welcome to leave. 

As I've said above. I hate that he does and says everything "right". He's kind, he helps with the kids, he helps around the house, he's affectionate, complimentary, etc. If I didn't know what I know, I would genuinely think things were going well and improving. It's so depressing to think he could lie to me so well.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

My god girl still do not see it after all the posts.

HE HAS HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO.

ITS OVER, NOW POST YOU HAVE PUT HIS STUFF ON THE SIDEWALK.

As I've said above. I hate that he does and says everything "right". He's kind, he helps with the kids, he helps around the house, he's affectionate, complimentary, etc. If I didn't know what I know, I would genuinely think things were going well and improving. It's so depressing to think he could lie to me so well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

IWILLSURVIVE, you have received some very good advice. What you really need to consider is where and who all this advise is coming from, we are not just anyone throwing out ideas here. As a group most of us on this site have been thru or are going thru pretty much the same as you. Like you, we may not have seen things as clearly during those bad times as we do now, but our history lets us see clearly for you. You know the marriage is over, he is NOT commited to you, the sad truth. No, you don't want the marriage to end and that is what keeps you there and gives him his POWER over you, and he knows it. You must draw a line in the sand, right now. I myself do not understand how you could ever trust him again, but that's me, you sound much more forgiving, lucky for him, huh.

Cooper


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Hey Iwillsurvive.

One of the things a codependent needs is validation from others. I know because this is what I REALLY need. We will do stupid moves to try to get it, and we end up staying in a relationship hoping that our bad spouse sees their errors eventually. 

It wont happen.

Counselling wont make him transparent. My wife is also a compulsive liar. Counselling helped nothing, I ended up sitting there hearing her stories with my jaw wide open because I just could not understand how she could go that far. We would just end up countering eachother's side of things, and her side was always twisted or just flat out untrue. 

I gave up on counselling. 

He's no good. He has no remorse. His remorse is just show, he puts on a show.

I understand why you need to move, and I agree now that I see how isolated you've allowed yourself to become.

Move but promise yourself that you will demand for half the value and equity on that house. Do not let him get away with that, it just enables him. My wife is trying to do that now, I have some idea of how much she stashed away but she is lying about it. I had to get a lawyer so he could help me track it down. I dont feel guilty for the expense I'm going to incur because I see it like she could stop this anytime just by cooperating and not lying...but I know she wont stop lying now...so I have to do what I have to do.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

why dont you ask him to produce the bill - to show that he is truly keeping his word.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

iwillsurvive,

What I would do is ask him if he is still communicating with the OW, if he says, "no, I told you I'm not". THAT is when you ask him if he wouldn't mind logging into his work cell phone records to ease your discomfort. If he gives any excuses as to why he can't, I would ask him, "who's number is XYZ". If he still plays dumb then you have all that you need to know.

I did something similar to my husband. I asked him if he was e-mailing the OW, since she told me he did, he said no, he blocked her e-mail address. I waited about a month, let it die down then I asked him if he wouldn't mind logging into all of his e-mail accounts so I could see for myself and he did and it was in the blocked e-mail section. Now if he would have tried to avoid logging in for whatever reason, that would have given me my answer. Also, why not call the OW directly? I'm sure she thinks they are hiding things well. 

Call her and don't say anything to your husband about the call and see what mood he comes home in. I personally am all for confronting all of my obstacles. It is and will be hard but at least 1 year from now no matter what course of action you take, you will know that you confronted BOTH of them about their wrong doings. You will not say, "oh, I should have done this, or oh, I should have done that". 

Take charge of your life and do whatever you feel you need to do to make YOU better. Don't worry about making anyone else uncomfortable, you did nothing wrong. Best of luck!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

NC means NC... what part of that does this ******* not understand?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

iwillsurvive said:


> Oh and on the other woman. She is divorced. Ironically her marriage ended because her husband cheated on her. Nice that she would turn around and allow it to happen to someone else.
> 
> My children are not in school yet. They are 4 years old & 18 months old. My daughter is in dance class and I would love to let her finish out her year and get to be in the recital. So I am half tempted to stay in the area until that is over and then make a move. That would be the only huge disrupt in their lives. They are still young enough that they will bounce back (and they also know people and have friends in the area where my parents live).


Same with my H's OW. She is divorced because her husband was unfaithful but yet here she is with a married man. One would think that someone who knows the pain of indelity would never do it to another. 
I think in your situation, your H needs you to put your foot down.


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## BetrayedLove (Apr 29, 2011)

I'm curious how you have handled things so far and if you confronted your husband. I think the whole "your marriage is over" advice is a bit premature. You have young children, I would not throw in the towel yet. He does however, needs to be confronted with the fact that you know he is still talking to her. But never ever ever give up your source. He will only change how he contacts her. You need to keep that source.


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