# At my breaking point



## mamachrista (Jun 3, 2009)

Hello everyone. I just joined and I'm at my breaking point with my marriage. My husband and I have been married 2.5 years and we have a 7 month old daughter. I can't believe that after only 2.5 years that I feel this much animosity and anger and borderline hatred for him as much as I do. It's gotten worse with our daughter because he doesn't take care of her in my opinion. Okay, here we go.
He works 2nd shift and I work 8-5. He comes home and spends half the night on the computer. He does not help me clean unless I ask him over and over and over again and even then, it doesn't usually get done. When I DO ask him to do something, he takes forever and forgets. He won't pay any bills because he "forgets"...he forgets to do everying. So he stays up half the night and then come morning, after I go to work, he tries to force our daughter to sleep all morning so he can sleep. He doesn't want to get up to take care of her. If she won't sleep, he has my mom take care of her and then he goes back to sleep. I hate him for it. I want nothing more then to be home with my beautiful baby girl and raise her and he can't bring himself to pull his lazy ass out of bed and feed her??? I'm so sick of it. 
I pay all the bills. I handle all the budgeting and shopping. I do almost all the cleaning. From the moment I get home, I am taking care of our home and our daughter. I work full time and I'm a part time college student. Yet he can't find time to get my freaking oil changed on my car. There are things of his that are in collections because he just didn't pay them. 

I am not saying that all of our problems are bcause of him. I have become a total ***** over the years...I get angry easily and I yell easily but I feel like I"m at my wits end. I hate being around him and I don't even know if I love him anymore. We're starting marriage counseling on Saturday but I don't have much hopes for it. Isn't that just awful??? We haven't even started and try as I might, I can't dredge up any optimism for it. I have no hopes for him and I am completly at my breaking point. I don't know why I'm here even...what advice can someone give that I haven't already heard??? What words of wisdom or comfort??? There just aren't any....I'm at a loss and I hate being with him.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Not awful. You both need to COMMUNICATE! To talk. 

Here's the rules: first say "I have a problem and I'd like your help dealing/solving it"

1) do not interrupt each other, no matter what
2) do not raise your voices!
3) it's ok to touch each other (for reassurance)
4) do not stop until all points have been discussed

Communicate! Don't stagnate.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Sounds like some of your anger could be post partum depression but he certainly isn't helping anything with his behavior and attitude.

I don't usually like ultimatims but it sounds like he needs a wake up call...tell him and/or write down the problems you see and the solutions and tell him if things on the list don't start to be or aren't checked off in six months you're gone.

In the meantime make an exit plan...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He sounds very passive-aggressive and immature, frankly. I think an ultimatum is in order, but only if YOU really want to work at it. You need to make up your mind about what you want, and then decide what to do. Best of luck.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Whatever you decide to do. Please make sure he know what the problem is and give him a chance to fix it. I'm sure he knows what he is doing but feels comfortable in the relationship and does nothing about it. I agree with dcrim, sit down with him and let him know how bad the problem is. If you can't confront him, right him a letter. Make sure he understands how bad you feel and if you still feel some love for him, give him a chance.

If he refuses to change or do anything about the situation than most likely you'll have to make a tough decision and give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through...


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i hope you're pleasantly surprised at how well your first couseling session goes on saturday. 

i suggest you make clear to the counselor the urgency of your situation and the need for immediate action.

i'd also suggest you not hold back or keep anything in, but i don't think that's going to be a problem for you (smile).

your husband is not meeting your expectations which frustrates and angers you. and your expectations are not unrealistic.

but understand your husband does, or doesn't, do what he wants because he can, he's allowed in your marriage to accept a woefully low standard of behaviour, and that's why there's a lot of talk on this thread about ultimatums.

the thing about ultimatuims, though, is they're often made in anger and with the purpose of radically changing another's behaviour.


and neither usually promotes a positive outcome. first, when you're angry you're not thinking clearly. and second, you cannot change any's behaviour but your own. the purpose of an ultimatum is to establish a timeline for action, not to prod another to change

so count to ten, take a deep breath, and keep in mind come saturday, you get to verbally let slip the dogs of war. (smile)

if down the road counseling is not helpful, then you can dispassionately serve your husband ran ultimatum confident you've done all that you can to save your marriage and it's time to separate.


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## theBlameGame (May 6, 2009)

Mamachrista honestly I don't have any advice for you because I am in a very very similar situation as you are. The only difference is that we don't have 7 month old like you do but I do have a lazy, irresponsible and ill tempered husband. I am angry and easily irritated all the time because of my husband's laziness. I know you feel hopeless but I commend you for trying anyway. The advices that people have given here is good its just up to us to use it. 
I felt the same way when I first joined this website. Like what help could I possibly get from this? Well it's knowing that I am not the only one in this world going through this ridiculous demise.it may not be the best thing to say but really that's how I feel. It sometimes help me understand and gives me strenght that if YOU could do maybe I can to.


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## mamachrista (Jun 3, 2009)

I sent my husband an email the other day because I was so frustrated that our daughter wouldn't go to bed and my house was a complete mess. I told him I felt frustrated that he would come home and spend half the night on the computer and then force our daughter to sleep as much as possible during the day so that he could sleep. (that's the gist of the email)

Then he emails me back, literally attacking me saying that ***I*** don't do anything around the house except "occasionally sweep and vacuum" and that he DOESN"T force our daughter to sleep or stay up all night. He said that he gets up with her and only gets 4 hours of inturrupted sleep a night because he wakes up for her feedings. Umm excuse me?? I'm breastfeeding our daughter and we co-sleep with her. I wake up, pull her over to me and nurse her while I go back to half-sleep. I'm not sure where, in that, he feels he's getting up to feed her. I know that he sleeps later then he does because my mom has off handedly mentioned it. I have also called him in the mornings several times and he's sleeping. The other day, he was supposed to bring our daughter to see me at work because she's been so upset during the day that I'm gone and he overslept and didn't get here until 45 minutes after he was supposed to. Like I said, I'm breastfeeding our daughter and I was waiting for them to get there so I could nurse so I didn't pump (sorry if this weirds anyone out) and I was very uncomfortable. I'm also a lead at my job and planned to go to lunch at a specific time and he didn't bother to drag himself out of bed to get our baby up and get here on time. This is a regular occurance. So where, out of that, does he think he can say he doesn't sleep all the time? Then he goes on and on about how **I** get to do more things for myself, I get more sleep and again mentions that I don't clean. (there was a lot more to it)

I don't know if he honestly believes these things or if he's lying or what but I don't even know what to say. I don't clean?? I'm freaking borderline OCD about my house being clean. Everyday after my baby goes to bed, I clean up the mess from the day (which, for a 7 month old, is shockingly a lot) and I clean up my kitchen. EVERYDAY. I ask him to do the dishes and to fold the laundry after I wash and dry it because by the time I've spend the evening with my daughter, cleaned up the mess and done homework (I'm a part time student on top of working full time) I'm exhausted. I also nurse on demand so when my daughter gets hungry, I nurse her. He gets home and has nothing he has to do wtih her because she's in bed with me and it's asking too much for him to do the dishes??? 

I just don't know anymore. I wrote this long scathing email back to him...and then deleted it. I just don't see the point. All I was was angry so I deleted the stupid email and decided to clean (which calms me down...like I said..border line OCD  ). This morning, he was in bed with Liv (our baby) and I looked at him and I just thought wow, I really can't stand you right now. He usually puts together my breastpump but I did it because I wouldn't want to inturrupt his precious sleep. ((sigh)) I'm sorry this is jsut more complaining. I don't know who to go with this. I am embarrassed that after less then 3 years my relationship is falling apart. I'm going over and over in my head what I'm doing to cause this because I KNOW it's not just him. I KNOW that I nag him to do things...to help me around the house. I KNOW that I get angry and irritated and yell at him. I KNOW all of these things. I think therein lies the difference between him and I.--------I admit and understand that I do all of these things but anytime we have a fight he says it's because of my "anger management problem" and then throws back everything I've ever said or done in my face. Yes, I get angry but it's not always my fault. 

ugh

Thanks for listening strangers on this board ((haha)). 

Can I just ask one thing? If you have something mean and nasty to say, I'm truly not in the mood to say it. Constructive critcism I can take..mean and nasty, not. Thanks.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Please don't take this the wrong way...

I worked 3rd and 2nd shift for many years while my wife worked 1st. We did this to save on daycare when our son was younger.

I can say it was hard for me, to get up early.... working till 11pm then staying up till 2-3am then getting back up at 7am was tough.... It's like someone working 1st shift then getting up 8 hours before you go to work you are exhausted when you start work.

I am not sticking up for him, but people who work odd shifts get less sleep.... 

Though I always helped the Wife with housework, laundry ect. After a while it takes a toll.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Wow, I don't know what to say. How about setting his alarm clock for him? And put it across the room.


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## mamachrista (Jun 3, 2009)

I understand that Roger, completely...I too have worked 2nd shift but on the other hand, he wanted to do this to save on day care and to ensure that our baby almost always had her mom or dad around and he won't get up. I told him the best thing to do is to get her up at around 9 (which would give him 6 hours of sleep if he goes to bed by 3...which is still too late in my opinion) and then get her on a napping schedule and nap with her. But he won't do that. "She won't go to sleep for me!" is what he constantly says. 

I know that part of my problem is that **I** want to be home with my baby and it kills me to be away from her everyday.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

saturday is only a couple of days away.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Seems to me that both of you are working in a sleep deprived way. You don't see his deprivation because you are sure yours is worse.

It may very well be a worse deprivation, but that doesn't discount his, btw.

You have arrived a a breaking point because you have found that you cannot keep up this uber-cleaning strategy while having an infant. So don't do it!

Let some things go.

Get more sleep.

You work full time, go to school part time, your husband works full time, are a self-described freak about cleaning, and you have an infant. You have to give something up!

If you have to hire a sitter so you can sleep some more, do it.

You've focused on your husband's failings, and he has many. 

Both of you are adjusting to having a baby. Fair or not, the onus is on you for most of the care.

Maybe you should consider not cosleeping with the baby anymore. Two reasons: risk of rollover onto your child and your need for more sleep. 

Providing food all night is not necessary. Nursing all night is training the child to stay awake.


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## theBlameGame (May 6, 2009)

Maybe you both could take time off and talk about things. Get a babysitter for liz then go out and do things you both enjoy. Somewhat try to rekindle the relationship. But make sure that you reserve some time to talk about your issues. The thing is that you both don't see the effort each one od you is exerting. He doesn't know all the things you do and maybe you don't see all the things he "tries" to do. Try to start appreciating the little things that he does and maybe he'll do the same. 
I do not agree with giving up any of the things you do because of all them are important. Even CLEANING is important specially when it calms you down like me. Haha maybe manage both of you time better. Start a checklist of thing you both have to do it may sound elementary but hey it worked didn't it?


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## ella (May 31, 2009)

I don't mean to sound cruel or jump to conclusions about your relationship not hearing both sides and all, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I don't think your needs are being met at all, you can't handle raising him as well as your daughter. 

Do you think he harbors any resentment because your daughter (sorry dads) likes you better than him?? Was he allowed to be lazy growing up? Not being held responsible for his actions and "getting away with" things? When he does clean and help out does he need a lot of praise? 

He sounds irresponsible, disrespectful and certainly not father of the year. Having a baby is likely to have even the best of couples pulling their hair out at times, but you are doing this solo. Has anyone besides your mother made any comments about his behavior? If three or more people tell you something, it's time to take a look at what they are really saying. I'm sorry you are feeling so pissed and alone. I would be too. 
BTW, I think that the whole working the graveyard shift thing is a cop out. Everyone gets 24 hours in a day. He is using many of those hours to escape to the internet. Responsible people use their time wisely. and I'm no genius or anything but 7 month old babies sleep A LOT. Going to bed too late and then complaining that you don't get enough sleep is ridiculous. That one is easy, go to bed earlier.

Neither of you are happy that is clear. I hope that the counseling is helpful, don't allow him to make it all about himself though, as he sounds very defensive. It's a good sign that he is willing to go to counseling with you. You may be surprised, he could have a lot to say. Good luck, try to not let him get to you. Focus on giving Liv a happy mother, she needs that.

If he doesn't shape up, he maybe just can't give you what you need. Do you think it's possible that he is depressed?? It sounds kind of like he has a hard time dealing with life in general.

Good luck!!


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## mamachrista (Jun 3, 2009)

Thank everyone for your imput and advice. 

I agree blame game, giving things up isn't going to do me any good. Cleaning is important, espcially if you have a 7 month old who is trying to crawl and put everything in her mouth. Plus, I feel better when I have little clutter and my home is clean. Great for those people who can be surrounded by a little clutter and mess but I'm just not one of those and there isn't necessarily anything bad about that...it's just how I am. I don't spend 24/7 cleaning, just making sure my home is in order and clean at night when my daughter goes to bed. And for the advice of not nursing my daughter at night, I appreciate your impute but if my daughter needs to eat, I'm obviously going to feed her. She usually nurses 2-3 times between 8:30 pm and 5 am. She was a preemie so her eating habits are different then a regular baby. I won't just not feed her, it doesn't exactly work that way. 

Anyways, tomorrow is the appointment so hopefully that will do us some good. The last 2 days have been difficult...I've barely spoken to him and have not asked him for help on ANYTHING. I know, I know, that's not very mature of me. I'm just quite irritated with the last thing he said to me about the fact that **I** don't do anything (which is BS). 

Oh well, we shall see. Again, I thank you all for your imput. It's nice to have an outlet and some other people's opinions...of course it's diffcult because you're only hearing **my** side of the story and he would say something TOTALLY opposite but it's still nice to have these things put into perspective from anothers point of view.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'm sure you're don't expect an overnight cure, but tomorrow can at least be a catharsis.

which may be just what you need to energize you until the next counseling session.

here's to hope.


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## mamachrista (Jun 3, 2009)

We had our first counseling session this weekend. I think it actually went pretty well. We liked her a lot...it was very conversational. I kind of thought we'd go in and it would turn into an automatic ***** session...he does this, no she does that kind of thing but it wasn't like that at all. She asked us about our families and she asked us each why we had come to see her. Then she asked us how we met which is always a funny story...especially the way we tell it. 
We talked about our daughter and a little history of our relationship. She said she could tell that we obviously completely adored our daughter and that we were both extremely intelligent people. She named off a few characteristics of each of us and got them right on the nose, which was kind of funny. She said we were a very dynamic team because of our very different personalities. I had mentioned at one point that we had absolutely nothing in common but she said she could see why we'd been drawn to each other.
It looks like we'll be going every 2 weeks. Right now we have homework. We have to do one nice thing for the other every single day and we have to each come up with a list of 10 things we love about the other.


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