# Wife's fears, her personality and my reaction...



## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Hi,

This is my second thread about the same issue where my wife has left me because she said I was abusive. 

Little background again for new readers straight from my other post.

Dear wife (DW) and I met over 12 years ago at work. We both belong to a conservative South Asian culture where it is quite uncommon for people to have multiple relationships. Although, dating is becoming more and more common and accepted, it is still quite uncommon for girls and guys to just get in to a relationship with whomever they meet the first time over a dinner. People usually go to extra length to make sure they are getting into a relationship with an intention to get married one day. DW knew how strongly I felt about these values.

As I said above DW and I used to work for the same company where we had frequent work related interactions with each other. We did not even know when we started to fall in love, but it happened naturally. Once we were in a relationship, we spent our first 2 months getting to know more about each other. DW is an educated, smart, intelligent and beautiful woman. And 12 years ago when we met, she was a very jolly, energetic and fun person too. I can go as far as saying that it was her innocent cheerfulness that I fell in love with before I actually fell in love with her. During this initial phase of our relationship, we went out on every weekend, learnt about different things from each other’s company, went on movies, dinners and sometimes spent evenings having home-cook dinner and watching movies together in my wife’s apartment as she was living independently. Wife’s family left for home country and left DW here to complete her college education when she was just 19. DW was doing great in college before her family left (on DW’s choice). 

Once her family was gone, DW found herself free to make any choice and with a lot of money in hand that her parents left for her to finish her education, she started neglecting the purpose of her stay and got involve with men and in illicit fun. She told me that the first person she fell for was the first love of her life. It was mostly a long distance relationship in which the person slowly put a lot of sexual ideas in to her head. I forgot to mention that DW has some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues. She blames her parents for her issues and some of the mistakes she made in her past (DW told me that her mom beat her on a number of occasions. Sometimes, for no reason and sometimes for a reason like once she got a ‘low’ grade of 89 in math and so she got scared and forged her Mom’s signature on the report and got caught). Her father made fun of her as she used to get serious asthma attacks when she was a child and would cough the entire night like an old lady, her father used to tease her for being dull in math or being not as cute as her younger sister or not as bright as a colleague’s daughter etc). 

Anyways, the initial phase of our relationship was amazing. It was the first time for me that I was in love with a girl. It was my first (and only) love. DW too, at that point gave me an impression as I was her first and only love. Everything looked perfect; we decided that we are made for each other and what we are going to stay together forever. And so, we took our relationship a step further and became physically intimate. It was a big step for me as I had never being intimate with anybody else ever before (or after).

One day, DW said she had something to tell me. She said that before me, she was close to somebody else. I asked were you closer to him more than you are to me? The answer was yes. I was shocked and confused. Did not say much and left her apartment soon after. I was upset about the issue for a week or so but was able to get over it. It was something I could never have imagined. I asked DW if there is anything else she should tell me. DW said nothing else. 

After a few months, during a routine train ride with a co-worker, she told me about another relationship DW had with another person. Another shock for. When I got home, I asked DW if it was true, she reluctantly agreed, said sorry and started crying. I was really upset and said you lied and deceived when I asked you before if there is anything else. I told her this relationship is over. Hearing this, DW ran to the kitchen, came back with a knife and started cutting her wrist. I got scared. Took the knife out of her hands and told her to stop trying to manipulate me. She said that she is not manipulating, but she just can't imagine to live without me. I felt sympathy and pity for her. I was also afraid and scared of her reaction once I leave her place. I tried to calm myself down and assured DW that I said whatever i said in anger and I am not leaving you. I also told her strictly never to harm herself ever or else I would leave her just for this reason.
Things got better over the next few weeks. I again asked tell me if there is anything else to tell. She said nothing else.

Then after a few weeks, another one of her ex sent her an email. This time I lost all trust on her. I just could not believe that somebody can be so deceiving. And when I told her our relationship is over, she again got hysterical, locked herself in the bathroom and banged her head again the wall so hard that a big part of her head got swollen about 2 inches. I again got scared and even more angry, but did not show it. I really felt like running away from her. Just did not as she would have harmed herself even further. I again stayed in this relationship out of pity (I did love her, but I was more afraid than anything else). In order for her to stay restraint and not cause herself this kind of self-harm, I put a lot of conditions on her if she wanted to continue the relationship with me. I started keeping an eye on her behavior. I felt she needed to be controlled. She also had suicidal tendencies. And she would act on them by overdosing on medications. She showed a lot of love towards me, but she also manipulated me.

The reason she gave me for lying was her fear that I would leave her if I find out about her past. So, she chose to lie. And she chose to manipulate me by threatening to harm herself. 

Due to my strict control and learnt behavior about how to bring her back into senses, DW stopped getting hysterical as much as before. She is doing better now.

We, much later found that DW suffers from borderline personality disorder or BPD. (her father was not very kind with her when she was little. He would make fun of her and would compare her to other kids who were better then her to tease and belittle her). DW has harmful impulsive behavior, was engaged in risky sexual behavior (did not use protection), has a fear of being left alone or abandonment, intense mood swings and severe problem with self-worth and feeling empty inside. She has always had relationship issues with whomever she got into one. Had bad relationship with her parents. In fact, DW told me that she learnt how to be loving towards her parents after seeing me how I treat and respect my parents. 

I was thinking about what changed me in to such an abusive person? I have also come to the conclusion that living with a borderline woman, I had to develop certain habits to control DW's irrational behavior and her habit of lying. I did not know anything about BPD. I developed a bad habit of needing to control DW actions so that she would not hurt herself. Or think about suicide. I realized that I was very kind to her when talking about her academic achievements but she would not remember my kindness and selectively remember those words I only said in anger. She blame me to take away her self-worth, self-confidence, inner-joy etc, but honestly, I have never been mean to her about her true qualities. I am still in love with this woman DW and wish her success and happiness. But she doesn't get it. She has also asked me this question about why I love her so much, which I have no answer to. I just love her many good qualities.

My question to members here is that now that we are trying separation to see if we can resolve our issues or go ahead with divorce, would it be wise for me to re-unite with her? I am very afraid. I miss her and feel depressed about not having her around. But, I need your help to chose what path should I take. DW behavior still shows from time to time and it worries me and makes me afraid. You think there is anything I can do to help her and myself to overcome her issues? You think this kind of behavior can really change a person into an abusive individual like it changed me? You think it would be better if we part our ways? Could I ever trust her? How should we raise our child. I do not want to break my family, but I do not want my child to go through the trauma of seeing his parents always at conflict. I am so confused.

I did not include this detail in my other thread as I wanted to keep that thread about myself (and did not want people to judge DW) and how I could learn to behave with more civility towards my wife. The current thread is about my wife's BPD related issues that are hurting out relationship.

Thank you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you should go back to her. Nobody is perfect, good. 

Have you seen this?

Marriage and the Long-Term Borderline Relationship

I don't agree with his advice to leave the room, though. Stay with her. Calm her, and speak to her in a soothing voice. Use empathy. Really seek to be understanding.

Is there anything in particular that scares you about going back?


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

I am terrified of her self-harming ways. And of her impulsive behavior. She is stubborn and expects rewards for anything good she does. I am not the only one she has bad relationship with. She has a good rapport with my extended family members, which I took as good relationships. But, upon inquiring and asking people, I am amazed to find out just how many people in my family are hurt by some of the things she has done and said. She can be the sweetest person one moment, and the most bitter in another. 



jld said:


> I think you should go back to her. Nobody is perfect, good.
> 
> Have you seen this?
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

good104 said:


> I am terrified of her self-harming ways. And of her impulsive behavior. She is stubborn and expects rewards for anything good she does. I am not the only one she has bad relationship with. She has a good rapport with my extended family members, which I took as good relationships. But, upon inquiring and asking people, I am amazed to find out just how many people in my family are hurt by some of the things she has done and said. She can be the sweetest person one moment, and the most bitter in another.


No rewards. Just expect her to do the right thing, period. And model it for her.

Did you read the link? It talks about how people with BPD have extreme emotional instability. You can provide stability, though. Basically, you have to be the stable pole in the relationship. You have to get your anger under control. Your staying calm when she gets upset will help her to trust you.

And be very direct with her about what she is saying and doing. Be very clear. Hold her feet to the fire.

Dealing with a BPD woman, according to that site, is all about having your own self under control. Are you up to the challenge?


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

I am still reading the link (I take a lot of notes). It's not easy to reason with a borderline person. You never know what would trigger them. I am, however working on my anger and for the first time, seriously thinking about all options as far as my marriage is concern. I am going through the pain of separation currently. It is quite extreme and is effecting my daily life and health. This is my only relationship ever with a woman. And I am not really equip to deal with a break-up. So far I have not had a single failed relationship. I am very careful and selective about making friends so I make sure that the company I chose to sit and talk with is decent and honorable. My old and new friendships are still intact. I have always had continuous relationship with siblings and parents (disagreement -yes, break-ups -never). May be that's another reason DW's lies hurt so much because I only let selected people in my life, she misrepresented herself and made me make an ill informed decision. 

I know if I decide to go ahead with divorce, I would be hurt much more than DW. She is used to leave people. Failed relationships are not new to her. And, honestly, she is emotionally stronger than me.




jld said:


> No rewards. Just expect her to do the right thing, period. And model it for her.
> 
> Did you read the link? It talks about how people with BPD have extreme emotional instability. You can provide stability, though. Basically, you have to be the stable pole in the relationship. You have to get your anger under control. Your staying calm when she gets upset will help her to trust you.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think you need to divorce, good. I do think both you and your wife need to work on your marriage. 

Let me know what you learn from that site, okay?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You are no where near ready to reconcile.

You still have many issues to deal on your own and so does she. Once individual issues are handled, then joint ones can start to be resolved.

You force this now, you'll be right back here in a year or less.

Baby steps. Get your act together first.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

The go-to therapy for BPD is DBT therapy (google it.) It teaches emotional regulation, among other coping skills. It takes a while to complete, it takes total devotion, commitment, and some self awareness. Some insurances cover it, some don't. 

The thing is, BPD is a personality disorder, so it doesn't respond to medication (although co morbid disorders such as depression can be medically treated.) 

If she puts in the effort, she could change for the better. I would make that therapy a condition of staying with her. Good luck to both of you!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Revamped said:


> Get your act together first.


This is what is totally under your control, good. Work on yourself. Earn the marriage you want.

There really are not any shortcuts, anyway.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Jld, can you tell me what areas I need to work on me the most. I understand anger is one of them and probably at the top of the list. Which others? Also, I am still reading the site you referred earlier. I will certainly write about what I have learnt. (Had to step out for dinner and some chores) 




jld said:


> This is what is totally under your control, good. Work on yourself. Earn the marriage you want.
> 
> There really are not any shortcuts, anyway.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

good104 said:


> Jld, can you tell me what areas I need to work on me the most. I understand anger is one of them and probably at the top of the list. Which others? Also, I am still reading the site you referred earlier. I will certainly write about what I have learnt. (Had to step out for dinner and some chores)


Obviously, you must never strike her again. If you find yourself getting angry, leave the room, or the house, and go get some exercise. Cool off. And every time you frighten her in any way, even unintentionally raising your voice, you apologize. Call yourself out.

You are angry because you are afraid inside and you're hurt. The first thing is to admit both of them, every time you feel them. Use I statements, like "I feel x when I see/hear y." 

When people are abusive, they are trying to control other people. You want a certain outcome, and you use force or intimidation to get it. Stop that. Learn to hear No from your wife. No means No, good.

Practice humility. Humility is just deep honesty. Realize that you are going to have to earn your wife's trust if you ever hope to be with her again. Think about all the ways you have wronged her. Ask forgiveness for very one, good. Go over each one with your wife. Humble yourself before her.

Reforming yourself is not easy, and for someone who has been physically abusive, just because he could be, it is going to require extreme self-control. If you mess up even once, and lay hands on her or try to hurt her in any way, she needs to leave you permanently. 

Realize what is on the line, good. Either you manage your anger by talking things out instead of forcing her and trying to control her, or you accept to lose her permanently.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

good104 said:


> DW suffers from borderline personality disorder or BPD.... You think there is anything I can do to help her and myself to overcome her issues?


Good, a BPDer must heal herself but won't get very far without guidance from a professional trained in treating BPDers. An important issue, then, is whether she is willing to commit to intensive therapy sessions and to keep working hard at it for at least several years. To be able to do that, she must have sufficient self awareness to see her own problems and the ego strength to handle therapy. 

In any event, you cannot fix her. I learned that the hard way by taking my BPDer exW to six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for weekly therapy sessions for 15 years. Although I spent a small fortune on her therapy, she made no real progress because she chose to only play mind games with the therapists.

If you would like to read about my experiences and some things I learned while living with a BPDer, please take a look at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Good.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

What should I do if she tries to harm herself? Tried to cut her wrist? Tries to gulp an entire bottle of Tylenol? I am afraid of these things. I feel I must stop her no matter what.




jld said:


> Obviously, you must never strike her again. If you find yourself getting angry, leave the room, or the house, and go get some exercise. Cool off. And every time you frighten her in any way, even unintentionally raising your voice, you apologize. Call yourself out.
> 
> You are angry because you are afraid inside and you're hurt. The first thing is to admit both of them, every time you feel them. Use I statements, like "I feel x when I see/hear y."
> 
> ...


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

I will read the entire thread and especially your posts. And will get back to you tomorrow 

Thanks for offering assistance. I desperately need it.




Uptown said:


> Good, a BPDer must heal herself but won't get very far without guidance from a professional trained in treating BPDers. An important issue, then, is whether she is willing to commit to intensive therapy sessions and to keep working hard at it for at least several years. To be able to do that, she must have sufficient self awareness to see her own problems and the ego strength to handle therapy.
> 
> In any event, you cannot fix her. I learned that the hard way by taking my BPDer exW to six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for weekly therapy sessions for 15 years. Although I spent a small fortune on her therapy, she made no real progress because she chose to only play mind games with the therapists.
> 
> If you would like to read about my experiences and some things I learned while living with a BPDer, please take a look at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Good.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm going to call bull sh!t on this whole thing. You wife does not have BPD and you know it. 

I think you should go ahead with D. It is not up to your to diagnose and treat your wife. It is very unusual that a IC tells a spouse about such a diagnosis. Moreover, it is highly unusual for a person with BPD to accept that they have this PD. They never say they feel empty, they are not aware of how not being empty feels so they don't miss what they don't feel. 

These alone says she does not have BPD. She does not seem concerned about abandonment, a hallmark of BPD, she ran from you. More evidence against BPD. BPDers don't stay with abusers, they are the abusers. If she had BPD, she would never have formed a relationship with someone like you. They need someone to validate their view of life, being abused does nothing for them so they get out of relationships with people they cannot abuse. I feel that you are more the poster child for BPD, not your wife.

You may be projecting. What part did you play in convincing her that she had BPD? How many people have you managed to convince that this is true. Such a diagnosis would certainly make you look like a hero for saving her from herself by abusing her. She sounds more like a woman married to a man with BPD. She has the low self esteem, just the type of person a BPDer would marry. 

Besides your abusive personality is far worse than your wife's supposed BPD. She hurts only herself, you hurt defenseless people. Abuser's rarely stop abusing. That means you are likely to keep abusing for the rest of their lives. They are very dangerous. Some of the things you have done would have gotten you prosecuted if you lived in a culture that protected women and children. You are fortunate, your poor wife and child are very unlucky. 

Why don't you just move on. Can you see that your wife has suffered at you hands enough? You are not censured in your culture for your abuse but that only makes you responsible to police yourself. You are given the freedom to do as you please. 

Do you believe in retribution? The nature of the karma you are accruing is monumental. You are a member of an ancient and strong culture. Some of your leaders are revered throughout the world, yet you squander your legacy by acts of cruelty. Read the story of Siddhartha and the works of Gandhi. You have that history and you terrorize your wife! Fix yourself and atone to your wife and child. Take this into your soul, only you know what is in your heart and your mind. 

Read this.
“To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man's injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman?" Mahatma Gandhi


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

good104 said:


> What should I do if she tries to harm herself? Tried to cut her wrist? Tries to gulp an entire bottle of Tylenol? I am afraid of these things. I feel I must stop her no matter what.


The first thing you do is to never abuse her again.. not verbally and not physically. 

My take on it is that she tried to kill herself in response to the heavy abuse. So what you do not to stop abusing her. Leave her alone and let her heal.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I cannot accept that having been intimate with somebody else prior to your relationship deserves the anger and abuse you showed. She shouldn't have lied about it but it is understandable considering the response she got. 

Real men do not abuse women. Real men can accept that women are sexual beings in their own right. Real men can handle the fact that women have sexual histories. 

The BPD stuff has only come out since you received negative feedback. I think you are just trying to justify your abuse. Get some help and drag your mindset into the 21st century.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

You need to go back and re-read my post. Did you read that every single one of her relationships failed? Did you read that she did not have good childhood? Did you read that she tried to harm herself when I told her I am leaving her (we were new in our relationship and I used to be quite polite)? Did you read that I was scared of her actions? Did you read that I felt sympathy and pity for her and stayed? Did you read that she did not care about the boundaries I set early on? Did you read I had to do something to make sure she NEVER does anything to harm her-self again? I was not a crazy person to abuse her for no reason. 

When I say that her lies, over the top lies, life changing lies and deception changed my entire personality so much that I lost interest in living and doing all that I once dreamed of, I am being 100% honest. BTW, she is with her Mom now and it is very much a sign of BPD to leave the way she did. She is still very much afraid of being lonely, she still has self-esteem issue, she has issues about self-worth, self-confidence etc, she is extremely impulsive. And by lying to get her way (which is, by the way a form of abuse. Her lies tear my flash, this is how much they hurt after 12 years of constant deceptions). 

I think you are totally biased against me. No matter what I write, you have decided to see it through your own lenses based upon your own experiences. Why would I call DW a person with BPD? Did I have to even create this thread if what I wrote did not happen? Why would you post something that is just product of your own mind and has nothing to do with reality and what I have been suffering through out my marriage and before? You are hurtful and insensitive in your post. I do not have to lie here (I do not lie, that's the thing my wife does and I hate it). You guys are not judges and I am not in a court that I have to defend myself. You don't know me, and would never know me in person so I have no desire to look innocent to you. I am here asking for advise about a real issue in my life. Not asking for your judgement. Not for your evaluation of what I must have done to her to abuse her so much that she tried to hurt herself. 

DW and I are not always fighting or at each other's throat constantly. We have our loving, caring moments too. In fact, we are a happy couple 90% of the time. This is our longest and worst fight ever and we are both trying to make sure this is our last (regardless of what we decide, stay together or divorce). Please Re-read and post something that is helpful and not what YOU believe is true. 




Catherine602 said:


> I'm going to call bull sh!t on this whole thing. You wife does not have BPD and you know it.
> 
> I think you should go ahead with D. It is not up to your to diagnose and treat your wife. It is very unusual that a IC tells a spouse about such a diagnosis. Moreover, it is highly unusual for a person with BPD to accept that they have this PD. They never say they feel empty, they are not aware of how not being empty feels so they don't miss what they don't feel.
> 
> ...


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

I got a lot of objective and positive advise from some people who understood my situation. I have already decided that my name and abuser won't ever show up next to each other. This thread is about another side of the reality. And the issue is her lies and BPD, not what she did in her past. I don't know why it is so hard for some folks to absorb this little fact. Or most people do not believe in being honest but find it's okay to be promiscuous? Some 21st century moral i do not want to believe in.




johnnycomelately said:


> I cannot accept that having been intimate with somebody else prior to your relationship deserves the anger and abuse you showed. She shouldn't have lied about it but it is understandable considering the response she got.
> 
> Real men do not abuse women. Real men can accept that women are sexual beings in their own right. Real men can handle the fact that women have sexual histories.
> 
> The BPD stuff has only come out since you received negative feedback. I think you are just trying to justify your abuse. Get some help and drag your mindset into the 21st century.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Again, in the beginning of our relationship, I did not abuse her. I was actually quite polite with her (after all that was supposed to be the honeymoon period). And no, she did not try to harm herself because of any abuse. She did it simply for the fact that she believed that I am ending the relationship and she could not take it. (in fact, the reason she lied in the first place was her fear that I would leave her if I found out about her past). DW told me she took pills when the first love of her life ended the relationship. She has BPD. DW and I have talked about it and she has agreed that she has most of the symptom of a borderline person.

As far as me abusing her, I have already made it absolutely clear that it is not going to happen ever. That's why I have moved on to the other chapter and issue that's been bothering me.




EleGirl said:


> The first thing you do is to never abuse her again.. not verbally and not physically.
> 
> My take on it is that she tried to kill herself in response to the heavy abuse. So what you do not to stop abusing her. Leave her alone and let her heal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who diagnosed her as having BPD? What kind of doctor did she go to for this diagnosis?

You talk about how immoral it is to have sex outside marriage. Yet you had sex outside marriage. So you are being a hypocrite.

Further, sex outside marriage is not the worst thing a person can do.

Abusing emotionally and physically to the point that the only way they can see out of it is suicide is a far more immoral thing.

Please find a physiatrist and get the help you need. You are not in a good place emotionally. I'm really rather scared for you. You seem to be falling apart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

good104 said:


> Again, in the beginning of our relationship, I did not abuse her. I was actually quite polite with her (after all that was supposed to be the honeymoon period). And no, she did not try to harm herself because of any abuse. She did it simply for the fact that she believed that I am ending the relationship and she could not take it. (in fact, the reason she lied in the first place was her fear that I would leave her if I found out about her past). DW told me she took pills when the first love of her life ended the relationship. She has BPD. DW and I have talked about it and she has agreed that she has most of the symptom of a borderline person.


It does not matter that you were nice to her sometimes. what matters is that you were horrible and abused her emotionally and physically. A person is only as good as the worst thing they do. It's going to take a long time before you have earned that repentance and forgiveness for what you have done. 

You cannot change her. You cannot make her do anything. For your recovery, her actions do not matter. The very fact that you felt a need to come back here to make sure you paint a bad picture of your wife is very telling. It means that you are not working on yourself and instead want to the focus on how horrible she is. You want to destroy her even here with people who do not know her. 

What matters is that you need to be working on yourself. Stop talking about her and talk about yourself.



good104 said:


> As far as me abusing her, I have already made it absolutely clear that it is not going to happen ever. That's why I have moved on to the other chapter and issue that's been bothering me.


Until you have not abused her for a very long time, there is no proof that you will not abuse her again. 

This is why you need to get help for yourself.

When are you going to get into counseling and/or therapy.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

where did I say sex outside of marriage is immoral? I am again repeating, my issue is DW's lies about her past. just like you should not hide your previous marriage or other significant events, you should not hide your past relationships. They say a lot about the kind of person you are. Say, to me, finding a virgin was important. Because it just was. Are you going to boo me now again to have my own opinion? My own dream? all this was possible if DW did not lie to me. She could have moved forward and found a person who would have been okay with her past and would tolerate her lies. Her lies caused the biggest damage in our marriage which is going to be coming to it's logical end soon anyway. Her honesty would have yield a similar result, no union or marriage. But without much pain and suffering and abuse. 




EleGirl said:


> Who diagnosed her as having BPD? What kind of doctor did she go to for this diagnosis?
> 
> You talk about how immoral it is to have sex outside marriage. Yet you had sex outside marriage. So you are being a hypocrite.
> 
> ...


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Abused her physically? where did you get this from? 

Lying is a form of psychological and emotional abuse in that it is hurtful to the person being lied to, insults his intelligence and is a sign that the liar doesn't have enough respect for him to be honest and truthful. Just from my own experience, I think being lied to is an assault on my dignity. It sends a message that I am not deserving of the truth, and if done repeatedly, definitely takes its toll on self-esteem. Every time the liar lies to me she is saying: You're not worthy of the truth. And every time I forgive and forget that lie, knowing full well the liar will continue to lie to me, I am diminished just a little more as a person and my pride, self-worth and self-respect are equally diminished. This is my take.




EleGirl said:


> It does not matter that you were nice to her sometimes. what matters is that you were horrible and abused her emotionally and physically. A person is only as good as the worst thing they do. It's going to take a long time before you have earned that repentance and forgiveness for what you have done.
> 
> You cannot change her. You cannot make her do anything. For your recovery, her actions do not matter. The very fact that you felt a need to come back here to make sure you paint a bad picture of your wife is very telling. It means that you are not working on yourself and instead want to the focus on how horrible she is. You want to destroy her even here with people who do not know her.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

good104 said:


> where did I say sex outside of marriage is immoral? I am again repeating, my issue is DW's lies about her past. just like you should not hide your previous marriage or other significant events, you should not hide your past. Say, to me, finding a virgin was important.


You have said in the past that she is immoral for having sex with others.

It's ok if you choose to marry a virgin. If you want to marry a virgin, the first thing you do is to not have sex with the woman before you marry her because then she is no longer a virgin.

You had a lot of opportunities to leave her when you found out that she was not a virgin the first time you had sex with her. But you chose to stay. So in the end you chose to marry someone who was not a virgin. YOU made that choice. That means you accepted her as she was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

good104 said:


> Abused her physically? where did you get this from?
> 
> Lying is a form of psychological and emotional abuse in that it is hurtful to the person being lied to, insults his intelligence and is a sign that the liar doesn't have enough respect for him to be honest and truthful. Just from my own experience, I think being lied to is an assault on my dignity. It sends a message that I am not deserving of the truth, and if done repeatedly, definitely takes its toll on self-esteem. Every time the liar lies to me she is saying: You're not worthy of the truth. And every time I forgive and forget that lie, knowing full well the liar will continue to lie to me, I am diminished just a little more as a person and my pride, self-worth and self-respect are equally diminished. This is my take.


Yes lying is not good. You chose to react to lying by being abusive. That is also not good.

We need to only talk about you here. Your wife is gone. So what you need to concentrate on is how you are going to heal and move on with your life.

Since you say that she is immoral, a liar and BP, why on earth do you even want to be with her?


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Read again: when I said she always used to get hysterical whenever I tried to end the relationship. She manipulated the situation. Harmed herself. I loved the girl and could not leave her to harm herself. She has BPD. 




EleGirl said:


> You have said in the past that she is immoral for having sex with others.
> 
> It's ok if you choose to marry a virgin. If you want to marry a virgin, the first thing you do is to not have sex with the woman before you marry her because then she is no longer a virgin.
> 
> You had a lot of opportunities to leave her when you found out that she was not a virgin the first time you had sex with her. But you chose to stay. So in the end you chose to marry someone who was not a virgin. YOU made that choice. That means you accepted her as she was.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yes lying is not good. You chose to react to lying by being abusive. That is also not good.
> 
> We need to only talk about you here. Your wife is gone. So what you need to concentrate on is how you are going to heal and move on with your life.
> 
> Since you say that she is immoral, a liar and BP, why on earth do you even want to be with her?


 I have been with her for 12 years. We did have our beautiful moments. I am obviously in love with her. I have buried her past, not her lies. I can live with her only if she can overcome her habit of telling lies. I am very sensitive about this.

I don't think of her as an immoral person now. She has been a truly faithful wife. I did not know she had BPD until quite recently (8 months ago). And it is only in last few days that I have researched and consulted professionals about this issue. I wish I gathered more info on her condition earlier and took appropriate action.

We need to talk about how should I help myself and DW in the future. I need to know if it is a good idea to continue this marriage giving our habits and behavior. Just your take on that. We have already talked about my issues in my previous thread. It was an eye opener and very helpful. I have printed it and read it over many times, took notes. Remember I said my name and abuser won't come together again. I stand by my pledge and promise.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

good104, I have given you advice on this before because I know the culture you are from very well.

I am going to not assign fault but simply state facts/reasons for behaviour and then, once again, suggest what I believe to be the best corrective action. And this is based on what you have said too.


You come from a culture that doesn't deal with premarital relations very well, although, I can tell you that it has been going on in your country for some time now (and its not a bad thing too).

She has had a few past relationships and maybe has not made the best choices for herself each time. This is (a) normal and (b) life experience that she uses to better herself. I hardly doubt that you can say she has a background of failed relationships. You might become her first failed relationship.

You are naturally torn between going after a woman you are attracted to and have fallen in love with, and your cultural upbringing which has conditioned you to not really deal with her past relationships (whenever she told you about them - even if she told you much before your marriage decision and not just before). This is not your fault but you can do something about it.

The very same cultural upbringing also doesn't enable you to deal with women who have a strong character (for want of a better way to describe it), but I should remind you that your people have produced some really strong and leading women. Again, a tough one for many men to deal with, but particularly your region. Again counselling will show you that the love of such a woman is worth a great deal and will enhance you not detract from your relationship - but you have to accept her as an equal.

She is not perfect - no woman is, but she has given herself to you completely. And you are obliged to care for her just as she does for you. At the moment she is afraid of you and it looks like her stronger side has emerged and she left. This is not her being stubborn or spiteful - more like sensible and strong - for her and for her child(ren). You need to encourage her strength, be there for her and stand up for her (even if it is against your side of the family). If members of your family tell you things about her, stand up for her. Tell them you will look into it but would want to hear her side of the story as she is normally a great person and this is a surprise. Also warn them that if you come to understand that they are making this up, they have eroded your trust in them.

I would imagine that not only is she afraid of you physically, but also does not want to be disrespected by you verbally or otherwise. Mutual respect is one of the most important ingredients in a healthy relationship and this is often eroded as relationships continue to go bad over time.

You two did start out having open conversations (which is good) but these conversations very quickly deteriorated once your cultural biases took over (which is bad). You need to have coping mechanisms for this - if and when you have conversations again in the future. You need to put these mechanisms in place first before you even attempt to get her back.

So good104, the good news is this is fixable. By you! Get yourself some help on coping mechanisms, get to really understand what mutual respect is (that is how you should respect her, and how she should respect you). The books being recommended on this forum go a long way towards helping with that. Especially the one on the 5 languages of love and on his and her needs. Finally, nothing is going to happen until she feels safe and completely convinced that these changes are in effect. Otherwise, why would she return to a life of abuse.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Who diagnosed her as having BPD? What kind of doctor did she go to for this diagnosis?


Good question.



EleGirl said:


> You talk about how immoral it is to have sex outside marriage. Yet you had sex outside marriage. So you are being a hypocrite.


:iagree:



EleGirl said:


> Further, sex outside marriage is not the worst thing a person can do.


:iagree:



EleGirl said:


> Abusing emotionally and physically to the point that the only way they can see out of it is suicide is a far more immoral thing.


:iagree:



EleGirl said:


> Please find a physiatrist and get the help you need. You are not in a good place emotionally. I'm really rather scared for you. You seem to be falling apart.


Thanks EleGirl, if I only there was a *Super Like Button*!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't believe she has BPD. It looks very much like a case of IWAS.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I don't believe she has BPD. It looks very much like a case of IWAS.


What is IWAS, man?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Indian Woman Abuse Syndrome


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

good104 said:


> I got a lot of objective and positive advise from some people who understood my situation. I have already decided that my name and abuser won't ever show up next to each other. This thread is about another side of the reality. And the issue is her lies and BPD, not what she did in her past. I don't know why it is so hard for some folks to absorb this little fact. Or most people do not believe in being honest but find it's okay to be promiscuous? Some 21st century moral i do not want to believe in.


Another side of reality....

The reality is....your wife left you. All this she said, he did stuff is OVER. Why are you trying so hard to convince US of YOUR reality?

Long drawn out posts of you defending your position. It's laughable. Truely laughable. We can't make you "do" or "not do" a darned thing. But you're still looking for afimation. For what?

Your wife left you.

You're acting like you're the first person in this world to have a crappy marriage that's heading for divorce. I don't know what else anybody can tell you. She lied. You yelled. The end. Seriously. The End.

Your wife left you.

The End.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think that is _exactly _what it is, man. In a society where men have nearly all the power, "good" wants even more of it. He wants his wife's power, however little of it she has, too.

I lived in India for three years. Sadly, abusing a wife is pretty common there. "Good's" wife is a very brave, very intelligent woman to get away from him. 

"Good," if you were truly sorry for what you have done, you would be focusing on that, and making amends for it, and not fixating on anything your wife has supposedly done wrong. The buck would stop with you. Instead, you just want to control her.

You came back to try to label her as having a personality disorder, to discredit her in our eyes. You don't want the best for her, "good." You want to selfishly control her and your son. This is about winning for you, not loving.

Love gives people freedom, "good." It doesn't demand they say a certain thing or do a certain thing, just to reassure you of your own righteousness.

A wife leaves for a reason, "good." A man earns the marriage he has. Ponder that.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

good104 said:


> Some 21st century moral i do not want to believe in.


That is obvious. You believe in moral standards that suit you and you dismiss those that don't. There is never any justification for abuse.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Where are you guys getting this idea that I have created this thread to justify abuse? And why would I justify it when it was DW who introduced deception and abuse in our relationship. Abuse is misuse of power, person or trust. You can read my wife's thread again and see that DW agrees she lied because she feared losing me. That' misuse of person and trust. DW also has a habit of telling white lies. I told DW after she lied to me the first time and then cried and harmed herself to manipulate me to make me stay that I am not going to tolerate lies and deception. Yet, DW continued to lie for the entire 12 years of our relationship and continued to disrespect my love and trust for her. I also continued to react in the wrong way. In fact with each passing lie, I continued to become worst and worst. There is a reason she stayed with me for 12 years. It took me a lot of time to become an irrational , abusive person. The only thing I did not do out of fear of DW harming herself was leaving her the second time she lied to me. Codependency was and still is my issue.

DW doesn't lie about issues related to her past only. It could be about anything, anytime. And it is usually for no good reason. Sometimes, I feel that she lies just to test my boundaries. I have noticed that sometime she seeks conflict. I don't know for what reason. It is my deepest desire to see her has an honest person. I am not going to abuse her if she does, but it will not be encouraging for our future. DW has BPD, not IWAS. I am willing to act in a way where I can be helpful in her treatment. I am not trying to portray DW in a bad way. I could have done it in my previous post if my desire was to defend myself. 

Also, DW and I have been living in the United States for over 23 years. We came here as kids. But still grew up in traditional families. DW acknowledged that in her thread that she forgot her values ones her parents were gone. (DW was not sad when her parents left her here. She did not have good relationship with them, especially her father. She still resents them and largely blames them for her wrongdoings in the past). We are both well aware of the laws here and do not wish to break them. Whatever we did to each other, we did not do it to intentionally hurt. We just reacted to our fears and hurts in a wrong way. Both of us are trying to learn and get help and neutral advice to move on. We are ready to move in any direction that is acceptable. If we decide to stay married, we want to live in a normal and loving way. If we decide to end our marriage, we would like to do that in a civilized way and with minimum hurt and best interest for both of us and our child.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Oh, just bloody STOP already!

She LEFT you.

She left YOU.

SHE left you.

SHE LEFT YOU!

What part of that don't you get?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So good104, are you saying that the fact that she had relationships before you doesn't bother you in the slightest and it doesn't boil over and make you act out every now and then.

What she lied about was the number maybe - however you said that you knew she had relationships and boyfriends/lovers before. You are saying that she should have told you the exact number at the start. And you say that she didn't because she loved you so much that she didn't want to lose you.

Now I do not accept that if she told you the exact number you would have been OK with it. You have to accept that due to your cultural background you never came to terms with it and that is where the abuse came from (whether it was mental or physical).

And what has this got to do with her relationship with her father or anyone else - you married her because you loved her. Now you appear to be lashing out.

You say you have lived in the USA for 23 years but grew up in "traditional" families - what does that mean ? Does it mean that you expected her to behave exactly as if she was back in India ?

You also say she forgot her values once her parents had gone. It might be that she actually gained something many women in India don't get - a balanced and healthy young life.

I once again maintain that you haven't got over the fact that she wasn't a traditional Indian virgin (whatever that is) and whether you like it or not, you will lash out.

Also, during the course of your thread, developed her from lying to you about her past loves into a full blown pathological liar and this is apparent to anyone who reads your threads.

You are not helping yourself - you were great when you said you were going to work on your issues and then suddenly you appeared to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

good104 said:


> I have been with her for 12 years. We did have our beautiful moments. I am obviously in love with her. I have buried her past, not her lies. I can live with her only if she can overcome her habit of telling lies. I am very sensitive about this.
> 
> I don't think of her as an immoral person now. She has been a truly faithful wife. I* did not know she had BPD until quite recently (8 months ago). And it is only in last few days that I have researched and consulted professionals about this issue. I wish I gathered more info on her condition earlier and took appropriate action.*
> 
> We need to talk about how should I help myself and DW in the future. I need to know if it is a good idea to continue this marriage giving our habits and behavior. Just your take on that. We have already talked about my issues in my previous thread. It was an eye opener and very helpful. I have printed it and read it over many times, took notes. Remember I said my name and abuser won't come together again. I stand by my pledge and promise.


So you are the one who has diagnosed her as having BPD. That's not how it works.

A person can only be diagnosed by someone who works with them. And even then more than one opinion is a good idea because there is no real test for BPD.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

There is no reasoning with the OP. 

He just won't let go of the past. And that's ok. He's hurt. He doesn't understand the "why" portion. He's searching for answers.

There are some marriages that just can't get past it. The circular motion of his life will not end. Until.... Someone stops it.

His wife stopped it.

She left him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

good104 said:


> Abuse is misuse of power, person or trust.


Glad to hear that you live in the United States. I thought you were in India. It is safer for your wife here in the US. She has more resources available to her.

You misused your power, "good." You abused her trust in you. And now she is gone.

Work on yourself. Seek individual counseling.

You feel powerless against the beliefs you grew up with. You allow them to control you even now, instead of taking responsibility for seeing how they have not served you, and changing them.

But you are not powerless. You can own your power, and heal. A counselor can help, but you must humble yourself and admit your wrongdoing, and your wrong thinking.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

The primary responsibility here is to make sure that your wife gets the help she needs in order to build any kind of a foundation for your relationship to move forward. You would have to be involved in that process as well. Having a child would definitely not help when the relationship is not resolved.

Separation is for the purpose of stepping back and finding help. Marriage is a deeply spiritual relationship and you do not have to defend yourself for loving her and wanting it to work out. What are the two of you doing to heal? Are you seeing a counselor? Is she seeing a counselor? Getting the help of a professional would only benefit both of you. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

she left me TEMPORARILY to reflect on our issues. Not for good.




Revamped said:


> Oh, just bloody STOP already!
> 
> She LEFT you.
> 
> ...


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

When exactly did she leave?


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> So good104, are you saying that the fact that she had relationships before you doesn't bother you in the slightest and it doesn't boil over and make you act out every now and then.
> 
> Her past relationships bothered me up to a certain point, not anymore. I understand nothing can be done about it.
> 
> ...


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

We found out about her BPD about 8 months ago. And I did not diagnose it. DW is going to work on her iBPD issues. It is my condition for her to return. We both have issues and nothing is wrong if we both work on them and get our acts and life together. 




EleGirl said:


> So you are the one who has diagnosed her as having BPD. That's not how it works.
> 
> A person can only be diagnosed by someone who works with them. And even then more than one opinion is a good idea because there is no real test for BPD.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

Thanks for you understanding and objective reply. We are doing a lot to get help. Counseling is one of them. Getting help from family members is another. We are giving each other as much space and time as possible and trying not to pressure each other for anything. We are also open to the idea of keeping/ending the marriage whatever is healthy for us and for our child. We are both tired of pointing fingers and hurting. So, we are taking all the steps necessary to find a permanent solution.




WolverineFan said:


> The primary responsibility here is to make sure that your wife gets the help she needs in order to build any kind of a foundation for your relationship to move forward. You would have to be involved in that process as well. Having a child would definitely not help when the relationship is not resolved.
> 
> Separation is for the purpose of stepping back and finding help. Marriage is a deeply spiritual relationship and you do not have to defend yourself for loving her and wanting it to work out. What are the two of you doing to heal? Are you seeing a counselor? Is she seeing a counselor? Getting the help of a professional would only benefit both of you.
> 
> My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The problem I'm having is trying to get you to let go of your wife's problems and start dealing with your own.

Try some "I" statements. Like:

I verbally abused my wife.
I humiliated my wife on purpose.
I made my wife feel unworthy of my love.
I made my wife scared to live with me.

When you ACTIVELY say THESE things and not give a qualifier such as and, but, or, she made me.... THEN you're on the way to some recovery. And not a second before.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

jld said:


> I think you should go back to her. Nobody is perfect, good.
> 
> Have you seen this?
> 
> ...


Horrible advice. No one is perfect so stay with this woman? Try to calm her down? What type of life is this for the OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Horrible advice. No one is perfect so stay with this woman? Try to calm her down? What type of life is this for the OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP is bringing his own issues, tennis. His wife left him because he was abusive.

If she does not want to be with him, he should just let her go. He should respect her boundaries.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Yes, he has his own issues, but so did the wife. I just think you're advice about men "being up for the challenge" of handling BPD women that you've given on several threads is poor advice. Are you BPD? Is that why you're giving this advice?

The OP should let go of this marriage. It isn't healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Yes, he has his own issues, but so did the wife. I just think you're advice about men "being up for the challenge" of handling BPD women that you've given on several threads is poor advice. Are you BPD? Is that why you're giving this advice?
> 
> The OP should let go of this marriage. It isn't healthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he should let go of the marriage. No, it is not a healthy marriage. No, I am not BPD. What I like about that site is that it tells men to work on themselves. It encourages them to get stronger inside to be able to handle all of life's challenges, not only their wives.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Jld, it sounds like both men and women need to work on themselves. I'm not going to take away from this thread any more and go off topic, but you seem to always talk about how men need to be "man enough" etc. And you go on and on about active listening, blah, blah, blah. 

Anyways the OP's wife had some serious issues. Whether or not she's BPD, her antics, such as cutting her wrists, etc are not good. I would never live with a person with severe anger, mental issues. People like the OP's wife are dangerous and can hurt themselves and others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Jld, it sounds like both men and women need to work on themselves. I'm not going to take away from this thread any more and go off topic, but you seem to always talk about how men need to be "man enough" etc. And you go on and on about active listening, blah, blah, blah.
> 
> Anyways the OP's wife had some serious issues. Whether or not she's BPD, her antics, such as cutting her wrists, etc are not good. I would never live with a person with severe anger, mental issues. People like the OP's wife are dangerous and can hurt themselves and others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't forget, tennis, we only hear one side. Did you read the OP's thread last week?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

No, I'm working and only have limited time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

good104 said:


> she left me TEMPORARILY to reflect on our issues. Not for good.


How do you know she did not leave for good. You may hope she did not but you do not have control over her decision, she does.



good104 said:


> We found out about her BPD about 8 months ago. And I did not diagnose it.


So who diagnosed it, a professional or another guy angry at women. 

I read on TAM many reference to PD and BPD. They tend to come from men justifying their behavior towards their wives. I doubt that most of them are professionally diagnosed, just an easy way out.

I do not doubt that your wife has many serious issues and need some serious help. But let's make sure the facts are straight.


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## good104 (Nov 25, 2013)

I am leaving this discussion here as I am not getting any real advise. A lot of people are judging me through my previous thread. They still think that I am an abusive person. They have no idea how much shame I have put myself for being angry and abusive and cruel to my wife. I have pledged repeatedly that I am over that phase of my life and I am moving on. I am actually preparing myself for divorce once six months are gone living separately. I have no desire to go back to a life that was painful for both of us. I will, however do whatever I have to to make sure that my son gets everything he deserves.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I kinda get where you're coming from. This is about the first REAL post I've seen from you that at least acknowledges the reality of your situation.

You want to be a stand up kind of guy. You realize, in the past, you've made mistakes and are trying to correct them.

With that being said, you ARE an abusive man. That, you must own. It doesn't just go away, turn invisible or fly out into space. The reasons "why" are irrelevant. It just is...

You still want answers "why" your wife is the way she is. Nobody here is qualified to sufficiently answer that. We read what you and her, have posted, and yeah, she's kinda messed up. And so are you. Two messed up people make a terrible marriage. Too much has happened for either one of you to get past.

So, looking into the future, you must see and correct your own behavior. Or, you're in danger to repeat past mistakes. That's where the "I" statements will come in handy. No, you're not proud at what you've done. It's a start, but not the end of your struggles. 

It's kinda like being a recovering alcoholic. You have to stand up in a room full of strangers and say, "I, Good104, am an verbally abusive man." Until you wholly say those words, you can't move on to heal yourself properly.

I don't think anybody here wishes you bad will. Quite the contrary. You've gotten great advise by many great people. It's up to you to hear it and apply it or disregard it and follow your own path. In which case, you'll find out it takes longer and doesn't end up as well.

JMHO...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Good the last post outlined the best course of action. You don't instantly stop being an abuser especially as severe as your abusive behavior was. You need to work very hard through therapy and self awareness. From the sound of your post, you are as abusive today as you were when your wife left. your wife is not around for it's full effect Control - you want to control what people say and think. Of course you can't so, you get angry. 

If it was your wife you were trying to convince she had BPD, you would brow beat her until she agreed. I have no doubt that you are abusing her any way you can even now. The last act of power and control by an abuser is withdrawal of financial support. That spreads the abuse to mother and child. That is the most cowardly despicable act for a man and father.

I feel sorry for anyone who gets into your clutches. I hope your wife does D to gets out of your trap. I bet your problem is that you don't feel like much of a man, not like other men? They don't beat down women and by extension, neglect their children.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

good104 said:


> I am leaving this discussion here as I am not getting any real advise. A lot of people are judging me through my previous thread. They still think that I am an abusive person. They have no idea how much shame I have put myself for being angry and abusive and cruel to my wife. I have pledged repeatedly that I am over that phase of my life and I am moving on. I am actually preparing myself for divorce once six months are gone living separately. I have no desire to go back to a life that was painful for both of us. I will, however do whatever I have to to make sure that my son gets everything he deserves.


Good104, I am not judging you by your previous thread - although it does provide some background for your situation. The advice I have given you is for you. This is not about your wife or anything else. Whether you get back with your wife or not does not matter, the advice given is still to help you. You need to make sure that you are at peace with yourself, and are well equipped to deal with and respect people just as they should respect you.

Coping with your emotions, rationalising them and achieving a balance between traditional customs and respect for a fellow human (a wife, for example) is a good accomplishment, and if you say you are there then that is great.

If you get divorced then so be it. Your experience has hopefully left you better equipped to handle your next relationship.

I wish you well.


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