# I am so shocked and cant make sense of anything!!



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have been married to my current husband for 10 years and we had a little baby boy (via IVF) 6 months ago. we were very young when we got married, I was 21 and he was 24. He had just became religious and I came from a religious family. His parents were separated (they were very abusive to each other, it s a long story). Anyhow, when we got married, the first time I found an evidence of him watching porn was through web history, dont know how i stumbled upon it. He swore up and down that he was part of a religious organization and was going to contact the website to take the website down. OK, I believed him. Yes, he was a religious man, man of God. He had told me everything about his past, drinking, women, drugs... so I believed him. we would fight on and off over stupid thing, petty small things but we loved each other. we didnt have a great sex life, once or twice a week at max but when we did, it was great. He is a very introverted person. He wanted his own space and I was more clingy and wanted more time. He complained and I did, I started leaving him and visited family or friends on the weekends so he would have atleast one day by himself. He would come to bed late many nights, I complained at first, fights happened but I gave him and I let him come to be whenever he wanted. He didnt have a very good job in the beginning of our marriage, I was a college graduate, made more money and was working on my masters. He tried working at a local store while working on his education and helping his dad with the business. His dad wouldnt pay him and I would tell him to find another job and let go of trying to fix his dad's problems. well, the business failed miserably and went into bankruptcy. His dad is not good money at all. He doesnt have a penny to his name. In the meantime, I bought a house, took a loan just on my name because my husband didnt have much income and his credit score was bad. the house was a short sale so it needed alot of work. we had many problems there, I would ask him to fix this, he would procrastinate and I would get angry, I would fight, he would withdraw and wouldnt talk to me. I would say sorry and we would be fine until next fight. needless to say, we had fights every month. But we call ourselves each others best friend. A little over three years ago, he finally finished his school, got a decent job in his field. He wasnt that religious anymore, he didnt pray but he was a descent man. He would dress better because he had more money (to avoid fights, we kept separate bank account, i would help him with money at times). All this time, I was very suspicious of him. I would always check his phone (he would keep his phone locked), I didnt have his email passwords, he was still staying up late and said it was work. 3 years ago, he came to me and said that he is going to a convention is las vegas. It was for work and it was all of his co workers and bosses. During that time, we would txt on and off during the day, but i didnt check too much on him, i let him work. He came back after a week and gave me a big hug and told me how much he missed me. later on, one of the months after, we got in a fight, dont remember exactly what. He comes home from work very late and he was drunk, very drunk. I asked him why was drunk and i helped him get a bath and i was angry and emotional but i tried to understand and help. I went on a defensive mode and I started questions, do you drink, how often? do you watch porn? what did you in Las Vegas, did you drink there. He said, yes, yes and yes. He confessed he got drunk, didnt provide too much information. I asked him if went to strip clubes, did he cheat on me. No, no and swore there was nothing else. He said he has told me everything and he is not lying. 
We had a hard time conceiving so i suggested IVF. he didnt want kids at first but later on said that he wants me to have the family i deserve. we were rocky at times, we would fight (he pushed me into a wall once) and would say we should separate but never could. The whole time, i felt this nagging thing in my heart. I couldnt understand. I was denied sex, no flowers on special occasions, i always felt this emotional disconnect from him. I would say, "you dont feel empathy for me, I dont think you care about my emotions". He would try to diagnose me and say that I crazy, I have issues and I shouldnt be suspicious because I had no reason to be. He then started about killing himself when we would fight. He would say, lets divorce if we dont, he would either be dead inside to be with me or he would kill himself. 
our IVF was a success and we had a baby last year but our sex life was kinda bad. we didnt get intimate a good part at the end of our pregnancy (he was mostly scared of hurting me or the baby).
Anyhow...
One snowy day, I drove to work, couldnt get far so I came back home. i open the door and saw him close his lap top. He had this smirk on his face. I could hear our baby so he said to go check on him, i sat near the computer and said, no you check on him. As he went to get the baby, I opened the laptop and it was PORN all over!! 10 sites opened up. He walked out and I said, what is this, he said, I am sorry. I was like, what is it. I was so angry!!! i stared screaming, crying and yelling. He said, you dont understand, I have an addiction. He tried telling me that he had this problem since before our marriage but his new found of God helped him in the beginning. But he has fallen deep into it now. he watches porn often, sometimes 4 to 5 hours. He looks at a woman and tries to finds her in porn and before he knows it, hours have passed. He said that he felt so ashamed and that is why he didnt to tell me so he wanted to get divorce and free me and never tell me. 
he said that a huge weight is off of his shoulders and he can get help.
I didnt believe any of it. i thought he got caught and thats why he is saying all of this. He started going to SA meetings and has come back feeling great and he relates to many people there. He says that he was very close to going out and finding women to have sex with, never did it but thought about it. he would imagine it. he is telling me everything at this point.
THEN, one day, we prayed together and after the prayer, I asked him, I said, you are in front of God right now, you are crying too much. what else have you done. please tell me and put me out of my misery. he got quiet, raised his head with teary eyes and said, in las vegas, I kissed a girl. it was like the floor just lifted underneath me, my whole body started shaking. I said, what do you mean you kissed a girl. i started crying. He said that he got drunk the whole week he was there. he got a lap dance there and once night he tried to get into a club but couldnt with his co workers because of his shoes (he was wearing sneakers so they wouldnt allow it) so he left to get to his hotel to get his shoes. while he is walking, drunk, some girls waved at him. he went over, started talking to them and one of them stayed longer with him. they walked in and out of several bars. he brought her drinks and insisted he walks her to her hotel room. as they walked out, she kissed him on the cheeks and he looked at her and kissed her on the lips and they started making out in the alley, walking through the streets, stopping and kissing. once they got to her room, he dropped her on the bed while kissing her, took her shirt off and all this time, she started saying no. he is said why? she said her roomate was coming. He said that we can be quick. he pushed her braw down and would kiss her on the neck but she started saying no. she told him that she has a daughter and she wants to be a role model to her. he then got up and said, OK, you are a good person, never stop being a good person and he left. 
what do i say to all of this, my husband is a porn addict, who cheated on me, (did he not?) what do i do now? do i stick around and help him cuz he is crying and he feels like he needs help but what about me? why did he lie to me 3 years ago when i asked him, what else is there. he says that he was so ashamed and I shouldnt blame him for what he did in las vegas because he wasnt in the right state of mind. but he remembers alot of details. I asked him, did you think about me, he says no. why? i thought we were OK then. he has always told me that he loves my body, everything about it and we have great sex. and he says that he was never even attracted to this woman. the sex that he watches, the women are not even good looking, i watched couple videos to see to myself and stuff he watches is not classy at all. it is just girls masturbating. I dont what to do, what to say. I want to leave! i want to take my baby and leave. I am afraid, so so afraid. I feel the worse has happened and he is lying just like he did last time, still telling me this is it, nothing more. Did he really cheat on me? is he addicted and does he need help. I dont know. I am so confused, lost, I feel betrayed. I was fine with my husband didnt treat me well when I was pregnant, i was OK when I didnt get flowers or he didnt plan vacations for us. I did that. I do finances, i do alot. He is a good father, he helped alot when our baby was born and he a great father to our baby. He was telling me that when he would watch porn at night, he would wish i came out and caught him but then he would clear his history and I never caught him. I dont know what to do. I need help!!!! I am heart broken. I never touched a man before him. I have never done anything wrong. why is this happening to me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Start here for understanding your situation;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Continue here for Defense and offense. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666

Do not continue until you read both of these threads. Come back afterward and we will get you going toward the path that will fix you.


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## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

OK, i read them.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I'm sorry to tell you but he is lying about not having had sex with the girl in Vegas. The girl allowed him into her hotel room, allowed him to passionately make out with her and then stopped? It can happen but it is highly unlikely. Cheaters will vehemently deny that they had sex with the other person because they know that it becomes the bomb of total emotional devastation.

Your husband is stuck in adolescence, it is up to you to decide whether to continue living with an individual who is more child than husband or file for divorce. If you choose to continue with the marriage, then set non negotiable boundaries, deal breakers, such like the two of you going to marriage counseling - there are plenty of faith based ones if that is your preference. He must agree and put in the effort. If he doesn't then you have to decide if you want to continue with things never changing or end the marriage. Your choice.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

File for divorce and just watch how fast he "gets religion".


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry you are dealing with this.

You do have a child. You are hurting. I would go to counseling with him. You need to see if he can be remorseful, and if he can change and help you with your pain.

Have you talked to your parents to get some help?


You do need support. Hope you find some positive things as you go thru this pain.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

So sorry you are here..fist off you did nothing to deserve this..it is not your fault. Repeat that to yourself over and over.

You have 4 major issues here to deal with:

*Husband's porn addiction:*a form of infidelity in itself...google it to find info on it and programs to break it. He will need IC also to break this addiction which alters the mind and arousal centers as much as any drug. Among other issues you may have had, it probably led to much of the

*Dysfunction in your marriage* before the infidelity. Bringing a child into a troubled marriage only complicated fixing those problems. You both need MC to get to the root of all those issues.

*Alcohol consumption*: He may or may not be alcoholic, another addiction to deal with.

*Infidelity :* he cheated and is most likely lying about the extent of it. Get yourself informed by reading books..I recommend Spring's Not Just Friends for a start. You will need MC to solve this problem too. Learn what you must do as a betrayed spouse to get the whole truth and whether there is any hope for Reconciliation if thats what you want...Steel yourself...any one of these problems is enough to derail yor marriage.

Get into counseling asap to sort this all out and figure out a priority list of how to deal with all these issues..I am so sorry you are in this situation...if you decide to R, I predict it may take years for you to heal and work thru this. Expect lapses and set backs. And that is only if he is willing to work harder on his problems than anything he has ever had to do. Make that a condition of R. You should get a good feel for his willingness and strength to do this within the next few months. If he lies, rugsweeps etc you may have to consider cutting him lose...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him he either goes to therapy (a real psychologist, not a church counselor) consistently for at least a year, or you are divorcing him.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

REAL men do women, not porn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cheaters do not tell the truth until their betrayed spouse finds out the facts first.

I would not believe that story about the women in Vegas. He fed you a story about her being a good woman who wanted to be a good role model for her child because he knows you are religious. So he made up a story that would fit your belief system. But keep in mind, a "good woman" does not meet a guy on the street, make up passionately with him, let him into her room, let him take her clothing off and then suddenly remember that she is a "good woman". Your husband had sex with her.

To be honest he has probably been having sex with other women as well. That one women represents all of his cheating.

Your husband as mistreated you, ignored your needs.. for years. All this time he's gotten his needs met from other sources. 

This is not a man who will reconcile and suddenly become a good husband.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Arora01 said:


> He pushed her braw down and would kiss her on the neck but she started saying no. she told him that she has a daughter and she wants to be a role model to her. he then got up and said, OK, you are a good person, never stop being a good person and he left.


Said no cheater EVER. 

Even if this story is remotely true, he basically asserts that the only reason they didn't have sex was because of her making up excuses about her "roomate was coming" and "she wanted to be a good role model". 

He was more than willing and the aggressor by his own admission. The intent was there so really he might as well have.... What's the difference?

I know you're religious but the porn is the least of your problems. Your husband is actively physically cheating on you any opportunity he gets. Get checked for STDs ASAP.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Gosh... yeah I hate to say it, but he probably did go all the way with her. That story that he relayed is just so far outside the realm of being likely... that I just can't believe it. It sounds like a made up story. A story that says, "yeah I screwed up, I crossed the line, but when I got to this really bad line I stopped and suddenly became a saint." I just can't buy it.

Now porn is a completely different beast, and and I'm saying that from the position of being a recovering porn addict myself. For starters, recent national surveys indicate that around 85% of American men use porn on a regular basis. I would venture to guess that most of them qualify as an "addict" of porn as well. It's relatively easy to hide, it produces no obvious visible or financial signs of use, and is just as easy to deny as anything else.

With that said, it is no easier to break a porn addiction than it is to break an alcohol addiction, or smoking, or drugs, etc. If anything, i'd say it's much harder for the reasons I mentioned above. A guy can get an hour to himself and go use porn and afterwards no one will be the wiser. You can't say the same about an alcoholic, a gambler, or a meth head. SA is a good start, and it needs to work about the same way.

We have a guy in my hometown who is, in my opinion, an absolute leader in sexual recovery specifically as it relates to pornography. He's written one or two books about the topic, is a recovering addict himself, runs multiple weekly recovery groups with dozens of men, etc. He is a pastor at a local church, but this has been his passion for 15-20 years if I remember right. You can find his recovery materials here: New Hope For Sexual Integrity

If he is spending 4-5 hours a day... then that will be a challenge upon a challenge. He'll need something to fill that time. You can't quit anything that was occupying 4-5 hours a day without struggling with it. Perhaps joining a gym and working out, getting into a new hobby or two, an activity group with other men, etc. He needs an accountability partner as well, and he needs to immediately install accountability software on his computer and his cell phone. And honestly (he won't like this), he aught to discontinue use and remove from the home any other device that can get online. That means most game consoles too. Basically any device that has or plugs into a screen and connects to the internet. 

I tend to prefer accountability software vs. filtering software, because filtering software can often block a lot of legitimate stuff that becomes frustrating, and sometimes it can miss some things that it should be blocking. Plus with filtering software, he might find himself repeatedly trying to find sites that haven't yet been blocked if it falls victim to temptation. With accountability software, the software will let you do anything you want to, but it records every page visited and sends a log automatically to your recovery partner. So instead of trying to test the software when weak, you're more concerned about accidentally going to a site that will get you in trouble, not being sure if it will get you busted or not.

(Imagine being on top of a massively tall building. If the edge of the building has rails around it, you might have no problem leaning over the edge. If it doesn't have any rails, you're going to have to be responsible for yourself to not get too close to the edge and risk death)

That site I referred you to above also has resources for wives as well, so I'd check it out yourself too. I know there is a book available for women (not one authored by the guy I mentioned above) for women healing from this sort of betrayal as well. I hope you'll find that assistance for yourself, and know that you aren't in any way responsible for this, that what has happened is unfortunately not abnormal at all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Arora01, divorce or reconciliation, you need counselling for yourself to help you.


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