# children before spouse?



## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

I've read two different schools of opinion here on TAM.. 

1) spouse before child -- they are with you until death (Lord willing), while the children leave when they become adults

2) never let your spouse make you choose between them and the kids, if so, always choose the kid.. 

I tend to agree with 1 usually -- I can see some circumstances where I'd choose 2 though. 

But I wonder if it's between step-parent and kid, to always choose the kid over the spouse? 

I'm a little confused.. could someone straighten me out?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You said " Lord willing", the Bible is very specific that a man and wife's first priorty is to each other.

Not taking this to heart results in most divorces, imho. Especially after the children are gone, and that doesn't take nearly as long as it seems.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Young (non-adult) children's legitimate NEEDS always come before a spouse, but in ALL other things the spouse comes first or perhaps equal.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

so, i guess my question now is why do I see so many posters saying to choose the kid over the spouse? is it because the spouse is not their biological mother/father?


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

i am a soon to be step mom. My fiance says his kids are number one however, he is also a firm believer that the best thing a dad can do for his kids is love their mom...too bad it didn't work out for him as his wife left him for another man...I can see in my situation why he would put kids above me...whereas I will put him first because I also believe a solid foundation is key to success.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This has been debated a few times, you can do a search. Everyone is equally important in my home. No one is ever put last.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I can only speak for biological kids but to me it's both. My husband comes first but if he made me choose between him and my kids I'd choose my kids. My dad did this to my mom and she chose him. He was an ass.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My kids come first. Period. Not even close.

My wife and I chose each other, the kids did not. It is my duty and responsibility to be there for them.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I think if it is an intact biological family this seems to be a non-issue. If it isn't most advice columns will say focus on the marriage first to give your home and family a good, healthy and stable foundation. 

As a step parent, this is touchy. I don't think we go into a marriage thinking that there must be a choice. A lot of us think that we will have a harmonious blended family but I suspect based on posts here, that's rare. 

I think the kids needs should always be met no question. Then I think that the spouses need to make their marriage a priority. The problems occur when there is no agreement in parental boundaries, when guilt causes the non-custodial parent to do things they probably wouldn't if this were an intact family scenario so you have the second husband or wife who was wooed during courtship all the sudden becoming invisible and disrespected and THAT is when the children before the spouse ultimatum kicks in.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The good for the children comes first.

The problem is that many people justify selfish choices as putting their kids first when in reality they're not doing that at all. They're often creating a codependent relationship with their kids. Kids need rules and boundaries. They need to grow ready for life being unfair. They need to think mom and dad are on the same page and are a team. They need to know they're expected to cope with things life throws at them. Yes they need to know parents love them and have their back too. There just has to be expectations attached to it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good marriages last decades, a child literally is home about 18 years, just a blip on the marriage scale. By the time kids leave home and a spouse leaves soon after, you have to wonder if the reason was neglect.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Good marriages last decades, a child literally is home about 18 years, just a blip on the marriage scale. By the time kids leave home and a spouse leaves soon after, you have to wonder if the reason was neglect.


See I think someone who's neglecting their spouse is also neglecting their kids in doing so. They may justify hovering around their kid's and ignoring their spouse as putting the kids first but in reality they're driven by insecurity and fear of not being loved. Kids of these parents got a raw deal.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Spouse first. The family begins with the marriage. Children coming ahead of a parent by choice of th e other sends a message to the children that their place in the world is elevated Above one of their parents. And of course it diminishes the spouse.

Resentment builds between the spouses and the spouse on the short end and the kids. Then the alliances are built. Now we have an outsider parent.

There goes the family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Pretty broad question. Do you mean a general frame of mind that always puts your marriage down a few rungs? Good luck with that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Oh. With steps... When I remarried, my H was put ahead of the kids in terms of authority and considering his needs first. He was a father, not an outsider. 

There are financial things that are separate. And if he ever hurt them, I would protect the kids. But as a matter of course, my H is my H, he is a parent and our marriage is the base of the family.

He had a hard time disciplining at first. But then his ex- made him the outsider with their kids so it was an adjustment for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

As a soon to be X stepmom, I see both sides.. 

I think a child's needs should come first.. But their wants? Nope.. 

My issue was the complete disrespect that my stepkids were raised to treat me with.. And it was okay with my STBXH.. He didn't want them to "not like coming to our home" so he let them do it.. Blatant, rude disrespect.. it was a crippling thing in our marriage..

I never expected to be a parent to them, or wanted.. but to be ignored, insulted and outright disrespected in my own home was a bitter pill to swallow.. 

Now that we are getting divorced, and I'm faced with a possible step situation for my own 2 children, I know that I will always put their needs first, but if, and it's a big if, I ever get married again, they will need to be respectful of my H.. They don't have to love him, or even like him, but as my spouse, they need to respect him.. 

But hopefully, I'm a good enough parent that teaching my kids to respect others won't be the hardship it was for my X and his XW..


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> See I think someone who's neglecting their spouse is also neglecting their kids in doing so. They may justify hovering around their kid's and ignoring their spouse as putting the kids first but in reality they're driven by insecurity and fear of not being loved. Kids of these parents got a raw deal.


This is my wife. She does everything for our daughter. Our daughter is 9 YEARS OLD! Up until 3 or 4 months ago, my wife was still wiping our daughters Butt! I kid you not! My wife stays with our daughter every night until she falls asleep. It's better now in the past two weeks. I finally put my foot down. She put so much energy into our daughter, there was nothing left for me. Yes, my wife without a doubt put our daughter way before me.

I can't leave because I have to be the one to help my daughter be independent. I am a little selfish. I don't want to spend any time away from her. Our time with her is so short and she is growing older all the time. By the way, I was the one who potty trained our daughter. She was one month shy of being 4 YEARS OLD! My wife always said she wasn't ready. I potty trained her in one day. My wife is afraid of not being needed anymore.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Trickster said:


> This is my wife. She does everything for our daughter. Our daughter is 9 YEARS OLD! Up until 3 or 4 months ago, my wife was still wiping our daughters Butt! I kid you not! My wife stays with our daughter every night until she falls asleep. It's better now in the past two weeks. I finally put my foot down. She put so much energy into our daughter, there was nothing left for me. Yes, my wife without a doubt put our daughter way before me.
> 
> I can't leave because I have to be the one to help my daughter be independent. I am a little selfish. I don't want to spend any time away from her. Our time with her is so short and she is growing older all the time. By the way, I was the one who potty trained our daughter. She was one month shy of being 4 YEARS OLD! My wife always said she wasn't ready. I potty trained her in one day. My wife is afraid of not being needed anymore.


Trickster, unless your daughter has special needs, it hard to understand how this could be good for her. Really it's the mindset and intent of how we raise our kids that makes more difference than the particular ages for this or that. I hope your wife (and everyone with kids) can recognize codependent parenting pitfalls that make it hard for their kids to succeed like "needing to be needed" and can put their kids well being above that.

My wife had a hard time letting our youngest son grow up because she was losing her purpose as a mother. She needed to be needed and them growing up was scary. It's a balancing act to say hurtful truths when you're dissapointed in what your spouse is doing without making them defensive. And again it's the driving forces behind our actions that makes the difference. If you think your wife is putting her emotional needs ahead of your daughter's well being then I hope you call her on it and make her rethink what the end goal is. To me it's the have happy, healthy, independent adult children that give you many happy, healthy, independent grandchildren.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dependent children come first. They didn't choose their parents and they can't survive alone. No spouse worth having would attempt or wish to come between a parent and their dependent child. Adult children who are physically and mentally self-sufficient take a back seat to one's spouse.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

But what happens when the child uses that to come between the parents? 

Who are the leaders.of the family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Browneyes, didn't you see this before you married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I did, but honestly, he convinced me it would change.. The kids were adjusting to the new life, they were just kids, he'd work on it.. 

I actually tried to call the wedding off a couple of months beforehand BECAUSE of his kids.. I thought, NO WAY.. But he was so good about saying, let's work this out.. 

We went to counseling.. The counselor actually worked with him to BE a parent.. But, as soon as we stopped counseling, he started sliding.. 

I realize now that he likes the love kids give him, but not the work.. He has no interest in being a parent.. And his X was very bitter and jealous (even though her cheating caused the marriage to end) and worked hard to make the kids the way they were.. 

So, I started backing off. Which made him mad.. But, I said, what can I do? If I called them on the behavior, then it was a huge fight, I'm being mean, they'll never want to come over.. So.. I said nothing.. And retreated to my room, or whatever.. If I tried to leave the house, that was met with rage.. "They'll feel unwelcome! How dare you?"

I realize kids are kids, but that's why parents need to be parents..


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> But what happens when the child uses that to come between the parents?
> 
> Who are the leaders.of the family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The appearance of unity is very important wih parents. Otherwise kids are enabled to manipulate which is a terrible habit for them to get into. They don't do it because they're bad little people but instead because they're human and it's part of human nature to manipulate. I still think most of the time parents who enjoy the role of "nice guy" are filling their own emotional needs and are being pretty selish at their kids expense. And I think it's very irresponsible to let kids boss the activities of the house or think they are able to.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I totally agree, Thundarr.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You said " Lord willing", the Bible is very specific that a man and wife's first priorty is to each other.
> 
> Not taking this to heart results in most divorces, imho. Especially after the children are gone, and that doesn't take nearly as long as it seems.


Actually if we were referring to the Bible

GOD would come first


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

A healthy marriage is what is best for your children. I interpret this as making my marriage and my relationship with my husband a top priority. 

Our children's needs are always met and we love them tremendously BUT it's critical to ensure we make each other a priority.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the poster that said the family has to be a balance, for the good of all involved. My kids' physical needs always come first. If my H ever physically harmed them or was abusive, then the kids would come first. I wouldn't blindly put my spouse first if I was in a terrible, abusive marriage.

However, in a healthy marriage, then the spouse needs to be a top priority because the best thing I can do for my kids is provide a stable, loving home. Luckily for me, my H is an AWESOME stepdad.


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