# His Adult Children Resent My Blackness & I'm Scared



## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Hello, new here and was wondering what in the hell am I doing? I've been with my guy for 6 years and just moved in last year and feel I'm on shaky ground, but want to find a solid solution:

1. His adult children are spoiled brats. You can be nice to them, but they will say things about my being "A *****" behind my back.

2. His former close friends stopped inviting us out because I objected to someone in their circle just walking up to me and telling me he would "kill me" if I hurt my guy. However, he socializes with the ex-wife who actually tore his heart out by her cheating for 25 years. I'm the one who loves him.

3. His friends on the sports teams wonder why I won't talk to them anymore, but fail to realize that:

1. A pool party means "pool" not going through my house;

2. If your wife is that drunk, take her home, not on my sofa;

3. Don't compare my body to your wife's body. She is not fit and doesn't watch her diet and it makes her feel bad;

4. Don't tell me you're my friend, but if I tell you how to treat me, you become offended;

Bottom line: These people will call my bf and act like nothing's wrong, even though I feel that they've insulted me. 

I think my guy should tell his kids, especially to respect me and should stand up for me. I have a feeling his son has spread awful lies about me, even though I have treated him with kindness and he agreed that I did, but why treat me badly after that? I received a wedding invitation with the wrong name on it. I think he may have told them a phony name to irritate me. His sister is extremely moody. She hardly eats and even yells at her father for wanting to have lunch with her on yoga day. How inconsiderate can one person be? We flew to visit her, yet she has an attitude. 

Her god-mother told me that she was very difficult. Since his kids' inappropriate behavior on Christmas (his son bought me a GPS...I don't own a car and he offered to take it back and put it in his car if I didn't want it. Cute, huh?) I prefer not to socialize with them. I've already told my bf how I feel. It truly hurts my feelings. ''

On the other hand, my adult children love him as their own father. but his kids are disrespectful even though people wanted to meet and greet them. :scratchhead:

I'm just venting here and I do wish circumstances were different, no matter the circumstance, pain is pain and this truly hurts.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm curious how you met.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

For your sake, and theirs, I hope your husband can make the firm choices and the stand that are needed to address this. He can set the tone in this without destroying the relationships if he chooses to learn how to do it.

I grew up in an area with too much racial tension, but my best friend, and best man in my wedding was of a different race. Sometimes, it just really hurt to know that his friendship sometimes caused him personal pain because of where I lived at the time. 

In your case, I can't offer advice on how you could help the situation because, frankly, you shouldn't have to. Your personal example should be a role model for him. I hope for nothing but the best for you in this.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It's hard to miss in your post that everyone is screwed up but you. Perhaps you are too sensitive and let your imagination fuel these transgressions against you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H's family does not like me either. I think its because we come from completely different backgrounds- he's asian im white. My H's family are doctors, engineer's, a mathematicians, and catholic. My family...well lets just say we are average people that tend to be agnostic. My family loves my H. Of course they do. He's successful, nice, and takes care of me. His family doesnt like me and frankly if i were in their shoes i dont think id like me either. I am fully aware of how i come off to them. If you marry across races you get to deal with all the drama that comes with it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You will have a hard time until you and they figure out how to interact. Your husband's input is critical.

I didn't have a racial issue to deal with, but Mormon's vs. Catholics, urbanites vs rural and varying education levels was enough!

If they are making racial slurs behind your back, THAT has to be called out and dealt with as a united front.

You can't make people love you or even like you, but you can insist on respect or get out of my house.

And start locking doors from the secret snoopers.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah you need to slam that down right now. That is flat out 100% un-acceptable. You didn't marry those hoebags. Tell them you will not WILL NOT tolerate any of that. Zero tolerance. And if they don't like it they can form a line to kiss your butt.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs Like A Dog: His ex-wife introduced us. They had already been separated for two years prior to us meeting. Even though they are divorced, we exchange Christmas presents and she makes and sends me jewelery. She's very nice to me. Loved your last comment. Too funny. 

Micshizz: The racial issue is a riot: His kids are half Chinese and Jewish. Can you believe his son drew a swastika inside of his car and when I confronted him on it, he claimed it was a bad joke. (yeah, right.)

DanF: The nail on the head! I am extremely sensitive to the point of almost psychic. I can pickup vibes a mile away and I also have a tendency to absorb slings and arrows and it interferes with my sleep. I can't do too much about it, but one thing I know is that I am extremely kind, but I do have boundaries and am not afraid to gently confront a *(&(&9, quick like a bunny.

Hailien: My guy does not talk to his adult children about anything that happened. All he says is "I'm irritated with them". 

*Everyone*: I don't know if it's about my being too "sensitive" to all of this, but my only hope is that I wish people would not push my buttons just to push something. I feel tested enough. I've cooked and cleaned everything when his son was here and he formed an attitude when I suggested to this father that he needed chores since he was not paying any rent or buying his own food. Correction, when he did buy an ice cream cake, he made it a point to say that was his nor did not offer me any. All he did was hang out with his friends until 6 a.m., come home gamble on the computer, then sleep until 5:30 pm and start all over again. He was not too happy about the chores and moved in with his mother. I'm finding dirty clothes stuffed in his closet and under his bed. I had to X-14 his shower with almost a whole bottle just to get rid of the black mold growing in his shower. I steamed his bathroom when he left. We have relatives that visit and I did not want anyone getting sick. His father just shrugs. What the hell am I doing here? There, I said it. I'm so scared I may leave soon.

I spent my savings remodeling a home that hadn't been touched since the 1980s. The house is beautiful now. People compliment me on it all of the time. On Christmas, he took his daughter on a tour and all she would say is that our bedroom was too dark and she wanted to know where a sewing kit was from 20 years ago that she left here. She doesn't even sew. The woman is 30 or 31 years old. She resented the changes.

I have a combination of feelings. Angry, sad, and confused most of the time. Menopause may be a contributor to the influx of emotion, but I feel I'm out here on my own. I live with a man who is non-confrontational. However, I'm not a victim. I will stand up for myself, but I just shouldn't have to. After all, it's been six years and he should have established us by now.

What is going on?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I'm interested to know why this scares you so much - it is that you know you cannot allow these people to continue to disrespect you and or that you find it disrespectful of your husband not to support you.

Have you explained to your husband in no uncertain terms that you are scared you will have to leave. I would say telling him about this should spur him into action to support yo, and if it doesn't at least you'll know where you stand. 

Regarding being menopausal and possibly over-reacting, what do other say about this e.g. your husband, friends, relatives.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Hello, the other night, neither of us could sleep. It was about 3:30 a.m. when I felt him tossing and turning, which is when I asked him to tell me what was on his mind. He denied anything being there and I half-expected that answer. In order to get him to share things like this with me, I have to pry it out of him, but he tells me and shows me he feels better that I did.

I expressed that I felt his kids were racist and, of course he became upset and was in denial even though I spoke to his son about the swastika incident in front of him. He was there Christmas when his kids refused to socialize with the rest of the guests because they were my family and friends. His friends don't come around anymore. Whenever his daughter visits, she never comes to or stays at the house, but instead chooses to stay in another city close by with her friends and meets her father there for lunch. I have never been included to there lunches, except when we were in NY and even then, she was upset with him and claimed it was her "yoga day". As a matter of fact, she refused to meet my family who was visiting from another state when me and her father first started dating. I have given her gifts from Tiffany, cash, clothes, but not once has she ever thanked me for them, so I do not give his kids presents anymore after this year and told him I do not want to be around them anymore.

We have been together for 6 years and friends of ours have been together for only 2 years and have already tied the knot. He keeps telling me he wants to marry me, but never gives me the reason why we haven't yet. I have used my money to renovate his home and he makes 10x more than I do, but cries bills, bills, bills. I'm not that good at math, but I CAN count and something just isn't adding up. He has given me his passcode to his bank account to show me he isn't hiding anything and told me I can take charge of paying the bills and that he rather I do that when we are married because he is not good with money, even though he makes a very generous living. I agreed, but every time I try, he tells me to hold off until something else needs paying.

I understand we live in an older home and things have worn out because he and his ex-wife never updated anything. I thought we would make a lovely home, share it with family and friends visiting and even have some stay over on vacation, but what's going on now is really scaring me. 

I love him, but don't want to be played as a fool. I wish we could resolve this. It makes me cry so much and feel angry all at the same time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am a naturally circumspect person. Professional hazard. None the less, there's something sketchy here. I am also a terrible judge of love. However if I were in your position I would demand absolute commitment. No holds barred love till death do us part loyalty. And not as a test either. As a true and honest statement. Either he loves you totally or he doesn't. Either he's tears in his eyes proud of you or he's not.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

The other morning, he suggested his friend, who is a judge perform the marriage ceremony. I want to get married in this beautiful house/home I've created and he agreed he wants the same with just family and a few friends. He holds me and professes his love to me, but I think he may be actually afraid to confront his kids, which is why they act the way they do. These are NOT youngsters. We're talking adults in their mid-twenties and early 30s.

The only thing I can do is keep communicating my feelings and intentions. I want us to make new friends anyway. He can meet with his kids on his own. That's too bad they judge me by my ethnicity, but it's their loss. I would have been a great friend to them.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Your BF is non-confrentational, and i'm assuming his ex-wife was the exact opposite. His kids learned that behavior from her, and this point, he's affraid to confront them, for fear he will lose them out of his life. He already assumes they prefer to be closer with his ex than him, so he sees it as a lose-lose to confront them over their behavior. He'd rather be a doormat, than to acknowledge what's going on. You can talk about it till your red in the face ( which isn't easy for us black folk), but i don't think he is going to change. If he was 22, or 32, i say there's a chance. From what i gather, you are dealing with a man in his late 50's. The cement has hardened years ago hun - good luck to get him to see the light now. 

I'm not saying walk away, but you may have to learn to live with his indeciveness. Btw, if you aren't atleast engaged by the start of next year, you need to consider dropping subtle hints about moving on. With everything that's going on, you can't afford to be dumping so much of your life into a tree that will never bore fruit.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

DanF said:


> It's hard to miss in your post that everyone is screwed up but you. Perhaps you are too sensitive and let your imagination fuel these transgressions against you.


I agree. Being called ***** shouldn't invoke any hurt feelings?

Are you being serious Dan?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My 2 cents...why would you be with a man who clearly has a racist son? Did he not have a hand in his sons upbringing.

This isn't just a red flag...there are huge flashing red beacons surrounding you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Was father in law was a huge bigot. If I were the target of his talk I would smack him.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

We've already discussed his kids racism, their upbringing, and his son does not live with us anymore because I told him he's a grown man and should help around the house if he's going to live here and he needed to buy his own food. The son left. Too bad. 

I don't have any more problems with them. I've stated my piece, discussed it in detail with their father and do not associate with them any longer. They do not exist as far as I'm concerned. I can be cordial, but I don't wear "doormat" very well.

The "friends" in No. 3, popped over at 9:30 p.m. without calling, my guy lets them in, they run upstairs to my bedroom. I'm pissed and tell them to go downstairs. These people waited 3 months to come over without calling, are the ones who drink non-stop, and are drama-philes. I don't want to associate with them anymore. The wife comes to a little league pool party and drinks until she passes out! This has been going on for 2 years. They tell me what they want to "buy" my guy, but I haven't seen anything bought yet. They call us to come over for dinner because they want beer. I don't even drink beer. I had to bring my own wine over. I've complained to my man, but he likes these lowlifes for some ill-gotten reason.

Well, that night they came over, they were crying and telling us how much they "love" us. Her husband agreed he had told me to shut-up the last time I was over at their house. The wife told my bf what I mentioned to her in confidence about my bf's kids' behavior on Christmas when that conversation was supposed to be between us. She has shared confidences about her husband with me, and I have kept the confidence. I had already told him I mentioned it to her, so it wasn't a surprise, just the fact that she would do that to me. I made sure I told her I didn't appreciate it. She apologized, but when I continued about her behavior, she bolted out the door.

I then started on her husband's rudeness to me. He, too bolted out the door and stood there crying because I told him they were DRUNK and to come back when they were sober! 

Anyway, my bf wanted to still be friends with them and so I, hesitantly, sent them a text, inviting them to dinner this past Sunday. Well, guess what? They cancelled!!! A story about their grandparents coming over. They were invited on Friday. Why didn't they call then?

I'm done! I told him I don't know what the attraction is, but I don't want them in my house, I don't want them at the pool parties anymore with their alcoholic azzes. 

It's ridiculous! I wouldn't take that crap from a man, I certainly am not going to be bullshtd by a couple of lowlifes. No one likes them in this town anyway. The wife comes to little league board meetings DRUNK and insults the members. Her husband has had 2 DUIs and now has to pay $10,000 in fines. These people even came over here for toilet paper, but told me they had $100 after paying their bills and celebrated by going to a bar to drink.

The only reason they came back 3 months later is because it's pool party time. Well, they blew it. We have given them so much during the course of our friendship and they just threw it away. The first time I met them they told me if it weren't for us, they would be sitting in a bar getting drunk. The wife told me the first day I met her that none of the little league moms like her.

No wonder!!!!


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Even though my bf says he sees things differently than I do, I still think he is afraid of being alone. After his ex left him following 25 years of marriage, he was devastated. I had no idea he had spent $10,000 for his pool parties. Well, that kind of spending has since stopped since I moved in and turned the parties into a potluck. People love it. He thought he had to pay for friendship. As far as I'm concerned, he will never have to, ever again. He is coming around slowly, but surely.

He told me last night that he will not invite that couple to our home anymore, because he wants me to be comfortable. I don't have the power to change his thoughts or his freedom to befriend others, but if I see those friendships as one-sided, then I will try to open his eyes as much as possible.

He is sincere about wanting me to be happy and I feel the same way about him. I'll be glad when these feelings of anger and melancholy dissipate as time goes by and they don't come back to the house unexpectedly.

I would hate to get verbal, losing my control.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Was father in law was a huge bigot. If I were the target of his talk I would smack him.


Not following your post.:scratchhead:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If I happened to be the target of his bigotted rants I would call him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> If I happened to be the target of his bigotted rants I would call him out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your too late, I am very confrontational and sometimes, I have to control what I say. His son was definitely confronted about his friend's comment IN FRONT OF HIS FATHER. That stuff is passe. The son has moved out and lives with his mother and travels now.
I won't see the adult kids until a friend's wedding in May and I won't be socializing with them.

I confront everyone because I am not a victim. I'm venting here and trying to get a differential on topics as them come to see how my views either differ or confer with posters. I can handle myself, but it can get frustrating when things catch me by surprise.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I am a naturally circumspect person. Professional hazard. None the less, there's something sketchy here. I am also a terrible judge of love. However if I were in your position I would demand absolute commitment. No holds barred love till death do us part loyalty. And not as a test either. As a true and honest statement. Either he loves you totally or he doesn't. Either he's tears in his eyes proud of you or he's not.


What do you mean by "something sketchy going on here"?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sketchy. He is your husband. If there is someone emotionally beating on you he has to defend you to the end. Against the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Got it. That's exactly my point and we've discussed it again. I'm not having any present problems with his son because the son moved out and travels now. Good. 

I agree with you that he should defend me against all who wish to cause me harm, physically and/or mentally and that means setting boundaries even with his kids. "She is my life now and this is how I expect her to be treated". He should not accept any excuses or lip-service from them.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Sinnister, his son NEVER displayed any outward signs of racism prior to my moving into the house. As a matter of fact, his son was genuinely nice to me. Even his friends liked me. That all changed when my guy invited me to move into the big house with him and I started remodeling and setting rules. 

I think at 23 years old, with a college degree, the son should have been out looking for work instead of spending all day on the computer playing poker, eating the food I stood in line to buy, not help with household chores, and get drunk every night and come in at 6:00 a.m. and his father has to get up an hour early before going to his job to put out the trash.

Well, he's moved out since then and now lives in Vegas. Good riddance. I have also made it perfectly clear to my boyfriend that if we are not married by the end of this year, I WILL BE LEAVING.

I am now in the process of looking for work to save and still attend school in the evenings. I have survived on a lot less and I believe I'll do even better this time because a good man WILL FIND ME. I won't have to go looking.

Until that day happens, I will concentrate on work and my studies and friends.


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