# Aftermath



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

As I've posted here for a while partner had EA last fall. Whether or not PA she denies- I have no way of knowing other than what she told me and I'm not really focused on that right now. Anyway I've already had that discussion on this board, so not my point of discussion. I guess I just am feeling down right now. She is coming around, gone to counseling, new job away from EA coworker, lots of talking, some fighting etc., but I'm not feeling anger any more, just kind of sad. I am trying to "let go" but I have to admit when she doesn't call or text me from new job it kind of hurts. Am I being a wimp? Kind of getting a clearer mind now and thinking about her lying about who she was with etc. during affair in the fall. Not having second thoughts about relationship because I am committed, but just kind of depressed right now. For those of you recovering from affair is this normal after 6 months or so? I guess its better than being angry, but I don't like it all that much. Any input is very welcome.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What you are going through is normal. Normally recovery takes more than 2 years.
In your case, she has not a new job and has gone no contact with OM. Recovery is expected to be faster and smother.
Could you explain what triggers your sadness?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> What you are going through is normal. Normally recovery takes more than 2 years.
> In your case, she has not a new job and has gone no contact with OM. Recovery is expected to be faster and smother.
> Could you explain what triggers your sadness?


A couple of things trigger it I think-
1. The idea that I am "her man" so to speak. Before all of this I felt a loyalty for over 20 years. Given what has happened that seems lost. I feel sad about that I believe.
2. The struggle of our entire relationship. Over 20 years we have had a lot of struggles. I feel like it didn't have to be that way, but makes me depressed to look at wasted time on stupid stuff by both of us. Have had a lot of negative vibes about her and she about me during raising our child.
3. I finished graduate degree recently and daughter went to college far from home recently. Kind of depressed about these because within a short time of each happening, spouse got involved in EA.

Anyway, these seem to be it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> A couple of things trigger it I think-
> 1. The idea that I am "her man" so to speak. Before all of this I felt a loyalty for over 20 years. Given what has happened that seems lost. I feel sad about that I believe.
> 2. The struggle of our entire relationship. Over 20 years we have had a lot of struggles. I feel like it didn't have to be that way, but makes me depressed to look at wasted time on stupid stuff by both of us. Have had a lot of negative vibes about her and she about me during raising our child.
> 3. I finished graduate degree recently and daughter went to college far from home recently. Kind of depressed about these because within a short time of each happening, spouse got involved in EA.
> ...


1. You will be her man, once the R is complete. It may take 2-5 years, this is what those experienced say.
2. Not all the marriages are perfect. We are all human beings, make mistakes. Past is gone and let the bygones be bygones. While both of you contributed to the problem of raising the child, I dont know how this could be a trigger of sadness due to her EA or PA? 
3. You miss your daughter. Remain in touch with her and continue to pour love....That will mean a lot to you and her. Meaningful. Delight.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Bodhitree

If you need to know the entire truth then she has to tell it, especially if you suspect there might be more.

It'll knaw at your insides over the years. You're saying you can't focus on this part right now, in other words you're gonna try to rug sweep it and work on the R as best as you can. But you cannot work on R if you have this nagging you forever.

Either you live with the fact that it was just an EA as she says and move on or get the truth even if you have to have her get a polygraph test. But, if it did to to a PA would you still stay?

Don't even think of rug sweeping anything that might come back to haunt you in the future.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Bodhitree
> 
> If you need to know the entire truth then she has to tell it, especially if you suspect there might be more.
> 
> ...


CH:
For the first few months it really bothered me as to whether or not it was a PA. I think I finally just assumed the worst that it was and that she didn't tell me everything. As time has gone by and we've talked more and more, I'm not so sure. Anyway, I'm not really rug sweeping because it just doesn't seem that important anymore six months later. And what if she is telling the truth? Lie detector? No way. It just isn't bothering me any more for some reason- maybe letting it go is what is depressing me in some weird way- who knows??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

again this is the stuff that we mean by saying the WS needs to do the heavy lifting to heal

so you want her to text and call you more often?

TELL HER YOU NEED THAT
Tell her you need to get same attention her OM did, the lovey dovey texts and verbal affection.

Look, some WS's will get it and automatically do the things needed, but some need a road map drawn. Show her the way to what's need to repair the trust. Start bonding with her. If you don't tell her or you do and she doesn't comply you will eventually get to point of wanting out.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*She is coming around, gone to counseling, new job away from EA coworker, lots of talking, some fighting etc.*

One reason you may be sad is that description you posted. You feel she is just coming around now? Then you really are close to square one, despite how much time has passed. You give the impression that she has continued on her merry way and is not doing a blessed thing to make you feel any better. She should be the one working on the marriage and worrying that you will leave her. Instead, it seems like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

*I am trying to "let go" but I have to admit when she doesn't call or text me from new job it kind of hurts. Am I being a wimp?*

Tell her to call and text you and give you what she gave the other man or you are out of there. No need to feel or act wimpy about it. If she did it for him, she can do it for you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

JcbyFong said:


> she has not a new job and has gone no contact with OM


Mods, this looks like a troll. copy commented mine in another thread also.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You seem to be following the same path as me somewhat. After the hurt and anger came the sadness. Next for you I hope is the collecting of yourself and making decisions for yourself to make your situation better, to make u feel more positive. I am still unsure whether I can get past the 'is there more?' question. 

And I have needed the calls and texts. He didn't just 'do it'. He needed a road map drawing. If I don't hear from him on certain days and certain times of day I start triggering badly. Start panicking. And although I trust him, at the moment, I begin making plans to drive to his house to check up on him (because I can't get through)...then he calls. He didn't appreciate mu difficulties at 1st. Now, when I am not with him he calls and texts frequently to make sure I am not panicking. Tell your wife. It is not a pathetic request, it is an understandable request. And 6months is no time at all to get over it. We are 11 months and I don't see me not feeling panicky anymore as coming anytime soon. I am only just beginning to feel a little safe and confident in our future....though that could all change by tomorrow!


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