# How to help children cope



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

I have three children ages 4, 6, and 9. I am working towards the final stages of the divorce. Before he moved out in May, he barely noticed the children. He was always busy with work or the gym or on the internet. Since he moved out he has become more involved with them, but I feel it is to manipulate time with me. He is supposed to have time with them every Friday night and every Saturday. He comes to my house after work, always acts dumb about dinner and then it gets to late so I usually have something either leftover or quick meal that the kid's like on hand so I'll feed them so they can eat. He then turns this into dinner for the two of us and I finally get him out of the house by 8:30 or 9 by telling him it is getting too late and if he wants the boys (our daughter won't go) to stay then he has to leave now. Saturday he shows up by 9:30 or 10 and hangs out doing laundry or dishes or mows the lawn or whatever he can think of to be here. Sunday turns into more of the same. 

I didn't want to make a big stink about the weekends, although they are draining me, because at least the kids are getting some time with their dad. I have been trying really hard to be amicable and sensitive to the needs of the children. Even though he is here under the pretenses of spending time with them, he actually is under my feet, interrupting my work, talking to me incessantly and not really spending time with the kids. However no matter how annoying it is to me, the children are getting more time than every before.

I am worried that once the divorce goes through and I start to pull back and start enforcing the custody arrangement, that he is going to revert to his old ways and the kids are going to be left wondering what happened to their dad. My children are not emotional talkers, they never have been. I try to engage them in conversations and gently bring up different issues but they usually turn the conversation into silly talk. All along, I've drawn this out to try to minimize their hurt but I cannot wait any longer - my own emotional and mental hurt is becoming too much and I am doing this to save myself. I am just so worried about the children and how they are going to cope.

I recently explained that their father would not live in the same house again. They asked me why. I told them that he and I are just friends now and friends don't live together. They said they understood and then started talking about how great it would be if he bought a house down the street so they could just walk over when they wanted. I left it at that.

They have friends whose parents are separated and not so nice to each other. They see that side as well, I just don't want that to be the side they get here. I am stretching myself as thin as I can to try to spare them but in my gut I just feel once I start pushing their father away from me, he is going to withdraw from them as well.

I really appreciate any advice, suggestions or stories of how to shelter them. I don't want to remind them of how he was before; I don't want to seem as though I am talking badly about him but I am so worried because he has never been an attentive or involved family man - thus the divorce.

Thanks for listening...


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Good Luck to You  I don't see how you can shelter them,divorce is messy to say the least and I think he wants you back . You are doing this for yourself And for them to be happier and it is not easy,but life is not easy is it.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I might start enforcing the rules now. Start out with Friday nights...he picks the kids up and takes them to his place, including your daughter..once your divorced there won't be a choice, the custody arrangement has to be stuck to or you could be back in court - he can turn down keeping them, but they can't say they won't go, at least not at that age. When he gets there tell him that you have plans with your friend 'susan' or you have some other thing and you need to leave in the next half hour to meet her. It will force him to start figuring it out. Right now, while I know you are doing it for the kids, your enabling him to behave in this manner and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break. Slowly you'll move this to the whole weekend.

After the divorce, if he doesn't get the kids as decreed, then you can take him back to court and ask for more child support.


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

Thank you for your responses. Really, this isn't about child support, not implying that that was the only concern. I am truly worried about how the children are going to internalize this. As for forcing my daughter to go, I don't think he will and I certainly won't. She will be traumatized and he is not the step up to the plate type of parent. In fact, he doesn't parent really at all. But, I guess that is my opinion. Regardless, I don't think he will force the issue. Should I bring this up with the lawyer and have the custody papers reflect this? I am about to sign the paperwork, but really don't know what to expect other than the lawyer said if he agrees to everything, which he is saying he will, then it will be done in the next three weeks.

I am truly concerned with acting in the best interest of my children and want to do what I can. I appreciate feedback and insight, which I don't have at this time!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Yes you need to discuss this - especially about your daughter - to the lawyer. Because - typically - a judge isn't going to deny a father (without issues) court mandated visitation days. However, if you go in with a plan you can both agree on and present it to the judge I think it would be ok - but you need to get your lawyers and your husband all in the same boat on it. You may need to word it that at a certain age it will be re-evaluated.

I didn't think it was about child support - just laying out some basic facts .


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