# When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past



## why98 (Dec 8, 2016)

As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)

First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"

Second thing: I find out today that the second visit when she begged him to leave me to be with her (I knew that) but what I didn't know was that when she was there she was texting him. I look at him in surprise and said how could she text you when you "blocked" the number? Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents. But my issue is that she has feel rein to contact him whenever she feels like. 

Am I being unreasonable with my feelings?


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

why98 said:


> As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)
> 
> 
> 
> ...








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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

I myself don't think that you are unreasonable. You shouldn't let anyone dictate how you feel.. i also think that everyone deals with stuff in their own way and nobody should tell you when your time is up!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No, you are not being unreasonable because:

1. this is new information about the A
2. He lied about deleting her number which means he could be lying about other things
3. He has not regained your trust and needs to stop lying and work on that

Kick his ass out for a while, tell him you are done. When he feels ready to work on the marriage, you may or may not be available, depending on what he does to regain your trust, etc. If he takes too long to figure that out, you may have moved on.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

1 - change his number.
2 - he allows you to install monitoring software (meh)
3 - allows you to install blocking software that has a PW
4 - get a different therapist.
5 - He's not respectful. What are you going to do about it? Stay or go?
6 - what is HE reading to HELP you heal?
7 - file a TRO against her (he needs to as well)


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Four months is a very short time. Any good marriage counselor knows this. Unless it was said in a certain way (e.g. I know it hurts, and it will be some time but eventually you'll have to make a conscious decision to let go of the past), I'd probably get a new marriage counselor.

As for your husband, I don't think your over-reacting. As I said, four months is a very short time. I simply found texts on my wife's phone and I'm so not really over it (for multiple reasons) and that was 2.5 years ago.

At some point, if you want the relationship to work you'll have to come to grips with what happened, you shouldn't live the rest of your life punishing your husband. However, that doesn't mean you have to rush the processing of your feelings, especially when you aren't ready.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

why98 said:


> As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)
> 
> First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"
> 
> ...


*Absolutely not!

If there is going to be any kind of a viable reconciliation, it is to be done solely on your terms and certainly not his!

And they must be carried out to the absolute letter, without the least equivocation or mental reservation of mind!*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Seppuku said:


> Four months is a very short time. Any good marriage counselor knows this. Unless it was said in a certain way (e.g. I know it hurts, and it will be some time but eventually you'll have to make a conscious decision to let go of the past), I'd probably get a new marriage counselor.


Why,

4 months and your MC thinks you should be "All Better Now!". At 6 months past DD I was still numb to the world.

Something you should be ready to process... "There is always MORE."


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Either get a new counselor or instruct them that you WON'T rush this, you won't rug sweep this, and each new revelation restarts the clock so from your perspective your latest Dday was last week.

You'll "get past it" long after he is completely honest and he has earned your trust. That will be a long time so if the therapist isn't willing to counsel you on those terms they are fired. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell your MC to educate him/herself on affairs and the mental damage they cause. Then find a new one.

And set up a polygraph.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

aine said:


> No, you are not being unreasonable because:
> 
> 1. this is new information about the A
> 2. He lied about deleting her number which means he could be lying about other things
> ...


4. Your pain is still present. The pain in your head, your soul and in your ass. He a pain in your ass, until he isn't.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am speaking to this with the benefit of distance. My affair was nearly 30 years ago. There are a few areas of concern that should be addressed here. The overall of this is that you have been "trickled" info. There are three things that should be taken into account immediately. 
1) He is to write a "no-contact" letter. You are to monitor it's composition, and you are to send it via text and email to all of her addresses. He is to then block her. If she attempts contact, you will be informed. Breaking NC is grounds for divorce.

2) He is to write a timeline of all that occurred. It must contain all info about the affair. Any omissions are grounds for divorce.

3) He is to submit to a polygraph. You write the questions. If he fails, then divorce is the result.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would advise your counselor that since 4 seems to be a magical number then you will no longer be paying for your visits after the 4th session. Tell her that 4 visits should be enough time for her to do her job and if you do not feel whole by then then you will continue seeing her for free until such time as you are "healed". If she says that is ridiculous then simply say "really, so I have a time limit but you do not?". Her style of counseling has a name, we call it rugsweeping.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

...when you have _plausible_ answers for each of your questions.

So no, you're not being unreasonable.

You're not going to be able to move forward in your healing if your bandages are being ripped off by lies at every turn.

Your counselor sounds like an oblivious idiot.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Why,

When to stop asking questions.....

When you are convinced he is no longer LYING about the affair!

When he is no longer LYING BY OMISSION!

When he owns up to his part in the affair and does not blameshift to the OW.

When he admits he enjoyed the sex.

When he opens up all his means of communication to you.

When he no longer tries to force you to get over it by rationalizing, minimizing and picking a MC who is in his camp.

When he has a realization of how serious what he did was and is and accepts that it will take your 3 to 5 years for recovery.

When he stop engaging in whatever behavior lead to the affair to make you feel safe. It's no longer acceptable to hug some woman he meets in starbucks who is an "old friend" anymore. Sorry dude the game has changed.

Tamat


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'll reiterate that your counselor is terrible and you should keep looking for another, and that you aren not unreasonable at all, and that if your husband is in a hurry to get you to stop questioning and stop getting upset, you should just tell him you don't want to burden him further and that he will get his divorce papers in a few days and request he move out.
JMO


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'll reiterate that your counselor is terrible and you should keep looking for another, and that you aren not unreasonable at all, and that *if your husband is in a hurry to get you to stop questioning and stop getting upset*, you should just tell him you don't want to burden him further and that he will get his divorce papers in a few days and request he move out.
> JMO


Any WS spouting that garbage is hiding even _more_ lies.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

why98 said:


> Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents.


Just LMAO if you actually believe he would be disgusted by a woman wanting him.

He's telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear and clearly thinks you are a total fool.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

As I believe was previously mentioned, the process of rebuilding trust after an affair takes a long time (longer than 4 months!), and there needs to be full disclosure before you can start to re-build that trust. Any new disclosure will destroy any new progress you've made, and you end up starting at zero again.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

There are 2 major problems here, and yet you are asking "if your feelings are reasonable". That's like saying "do you think the deck chairs on the Titanic should be green or blue". You are ignoring the obvious and asking the wrong question.



why98 said:


> Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week.


This happened 4 months ago. You just found out two important facts NOW. Why has he been keeping these things from you, what else is he keeping from you, did he just decide to tell you this out of the blue or did you find out through some other means? If he's continuing to lie to you then there is no fixing this. 

Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents. But my issue is that she has feel rein to contact him whenever she feels like. [/QUOTE]

This is NOT his decision to make! If you want the number blocked, then it gets blocked, it's not a topic for negotiation and he has no say in the matter because he screwed up and he has to make it right. If you are going to leave these choices up to him you might as well let him decide if he's going to contact her again and cheat on you again.



BetrayedDad said:


> Just LMAO if you actually believe he would be disgusted by a woman wanting him.
> 
> He's telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear and clearly thinks you are a total fool.


Oh, and this ^^.

You ARE a fool if you give that nonsense even an ounce of credibility. It makes no sense and yet you have apparently accept it for reasons that I cannot even begin to understand.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just thinking out loud.... He is digested by the number and won't block it, but doesn't mind getting called from it and it being on his call list or message list. 
Yeah. Total bull****.


Op surely needs to hand him divorce papers because:

He's still lying and therefore likeky not remorseful.
He's trickle truthing.
He's not willing to block her.
He's telling his wife what he's NOT going to do.
He needs to be totally shaken up and shown that she's serious about putting him down the road--- otherwise it's almost sure to happen again. Why not?

She has the wrong mindset. She needs to be of the mindset of him fixing things for HER. He's the cheater. She keeps bringing it up? Well damn!?!?! I wonder why? It's almost like the cheating may have deeply hurt her and she's dwelling on it!! The nerve.
She should do like the counselor says and forgive and forget.... Puke....


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

why98 said:


> As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)
> 
> First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"
> 
> ...


Of course not - they are your feelings. If your MC suggests that you "just get over it already" again I'd advise you to walk out the door and file for divorce. This ain't working for you...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If his affair partner is a prostitute, a restraining order needs to be filed against her and her husband. 

She will not stop bugging you or your husband. She is a low life and doesn't know when things are over. 

The fact that you found out about his affair with this woman through her spouse should tell you that he was having a great time in his affair and it only stopped because it was exposed by someone else and not by him. He is not and has not been ready to let go of this OW. She is not going to let go of him because she knows this as well. 

You want more answers because he is hiding the affair still now. He has NOT stopped contact. He is still lying to you. He blames her and that she is chasing him. Well, that's what easy sleazy women do to men they know they can get something out of them. Your husband is easy to manipulate and she is not going to let him go unless she is forced to back off and he is not doing this. He likes the attention. What a fool!

What are YOU going to do if he can't break off contact with her? 

Regardless of who iniciates, contact has NOT been broken. He is still seeing her and he is still cheating on YOU.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No. You are not being unreasonable.

He has a hell of a lot of work to do on his end to help repair the damage his idiocy caused your marriage.

He can't do it alone but he does have to do most of it because he broke trust, not you.

It is called heavy lifting and it sounds like your wayward husband isn't putting in the full effort yet?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S.

Your MC sucks!

Mileage varies.

Try another but your husband has a long way to go before I would be convinced to give him a chance.

How bad does he want to save his marriage?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

why98 said:


> As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)
> .
> .
> .
> Am I being unreasonable with my feelings?


Ok, first I agree with what everyone else has said. And I think you need a new marriage counselor.

You have the full right to your own feelings no matter what. You're not crazy nor abnormal from what you've written. I recommend a book for you to read partly for the verbal tools it will give you, but even more so for the philosophy it is based on. The book is far more than the title suggests, so please just get this book and read it. The book is "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith.

Recovery from a serious betrayal is a process. The process has steps, and the process takes time. People have alluded to the process steps a bit in this thread. The end of the process is where you now have full trust in your spouse (or you have divorced him and no longer worry about further betrayal). The way you get to trusting him again is experiencing him being honest and loyal over time. You have to see his behavior as loyal many times. Then you will see him worthy of your trust again. He must prove he loves you and is committed to you. Again, you learn this by seeing it happen many times.

The steps in the process include him demonstrating he has completely repudiated his affair partner and his betrayal. He breaks all contact with her willingly and effectively. He reveals all information about her and about the affair. He answers all your questions immediately and completely. He demonstrates true remorse for hurting you. He places your healing far above his discomfort in making amends.

At some point you will know all the information. You will have observed him being remorseful, honest, committed, and loving. Somewhere out a year or two or more, this will be the norm in your relationship. At that point you can either remain bitter even though he has done a great job, or you can let it go. And if you cannot let it go, that is your right! You should do the right thing then and divorce him. It does happen where the betrayed just can't get over it even though the cheater has worked hard and truly recommitted to the marriage. But we're talking years from now, not a few months after d-day when he is still lying to you.

You cannot do the work for him now. You can't make this easier for him. He has to do the hard work. There is a process, not a time limit.

I have come to the opinion that filing for divorce is a strong strategy. You can pause it at any time. When you file, you signal that he has to win you back. He has to do A+ work to save the marriage. Anything less risks you continuing the divorce. If you do not file, all he has to do is D- work. He just has to do enough not to Fail. He just has to keep you from getting so upset that you leave.

Many cheaters don't really believe their betrayed will leave, so they string things out as long as they can to minimize how much they have to confess to. I think your husband is in this camp. Regardless of whether you file, I think you should do research on divorce where you live. Talk to a lawyer or two (they will give a free consultation where you will get many questions answered). Go to your state website and download their divorce paperwork. Even if you don't file, it may be helpful for you to have the information. It may also be helpful to light a fire under your husband if he knows you are considering the option of D.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your MC is a "co-pay collector," FIRE the MC immediately. I know it's not worth the trouble but I'd

consider small claims court to get you co-pays back. Some MCs are better than others but....

yours is epic fail. As for you being told to "just get over it", he!!s no. YOU will get over it in your own time.

It may take you a year, three years, six years.... Here's the deal, HE cheated, YOU are giving him 2nd chance.

He should be clicking his loafers together that you are. He don't like it... he shouldn't have cheated.

Please give the MC the "middle finger" and while you're at it, your H.


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