# Do I send a wedding anniversay card?



## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

Hi, this is my first time posting on here. My husband moved into his parents house six weeks ago. It will be our 4th wedding anniversary although we've been together 11 years. 

We were just about to sell our house and buy a big family home. My husband has wanted to have children for a 2-3 years now but we’d discussed it and he’d agreed to wait until I was ready (I was only 26 at the time) and we’d moved into a more suitable house. Our house sale has dragged on for a very long time (longer than I’d anticipated), I have been ready to have a baby for a good 6-9 months but I haven’t quite been brave enough to say this out loud to my husband although I had dropped lots of hints and we’d chosen our new house based on school catchment areas so he has known it was very much on the cards.

In March he went away for the weekend with a group of his friends, he didn’t contact me much whilst he was gone and then the night he returned we had an argument. We made up after a few days but for three weeks after the argument he wouldn’t let me touch or kiss him and would never answer me when I told him I loved him.

I eventually confronted him about this and he just said that he wasn’t happy and didn’t feel like he was in love me anymore. He’s told me he will always love me but that I have worn him down, he has given me a long list of petty reasons about why I have worn him down which include wearing my pjs to watch tv in the evening, sleeping in at the weekend, buying things I shouldnt and using facewipes. He says he wants me to be something I’m not. He says he doesn’t have any animosity towards me but then in the next breath he says he is beyond angry with me regarding having a baby.

He has told the estate agent we are not buying the new house and the buyer for our house has also now pulled out. He talks about wanting me to buy him out straight away if I dont want to sell now. 

The worst thing is, he hasnt said thats its over. He said he needed time and space when he moved out, when I spoke to him last he said he felt like he wanted a 'fresh start' which seems to mean getting his half of our savings and equity from the house so that he can rent a place of his own. He says he cannot come back to me because im upset. We only really communicate about financial things. He's refused to go to marriage counseling and when I try and talk to him about why he has just quit after 11 years, whether this means were heading for divorce and what he really wants/is looking for etc I just get silence at the end of the phone - he has no answers to anything.

A friend has told me that he is very friendly with a girl at work who has also removed her engagement ring, he denies there is anything going on and that they are just talking because they are going through the same thing at the same time. I want to believe him as I dont think he is the type of person to have an affair, having said that it would explain this situation. Other than that I dont know if he is just overwhelmed by the house move/children/commitment of everything and that maybe he’s just questioning our life together. We have been so happy and I had no idea he was unhappy, this has all just happened over a few weeks.

His Facebook and email passwords have been changed (he's used the same ones for the whole 11 years Ive known him) and also removed my online access to his credit card statement.

We were god parents at a Christening last weekend (this was the first time I've seen him in 4 weeks), he sat with me throughout the service and party afterwards and even asked if he could drive with me to the party from the church. I thought he wanted to talk about the situation but we just had a catch up, we did spend most of the day chatting happily just like old times. He moves away when I try to touch him at all. Having said that he did hang back when leaving in order to say goodbye and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek (the first bit of affection I've had for about 9 weeks). Its as though he has put up a wall and completely shut down emotionally. 

He says such strange things like "I want to run away from you" and "I don't want to be single at 32" and "I know your the best chance Ive got of having children" and "I don't want to be a part time dad"?

I just don't think he is behaving rationally...you would not walk away from 11 very happy years together without giving it at least one try to put things right. I had no idea he was unhappy, he has just announced it one day and moved out the next saying he "doesn't want to fix it". I just don't think his reasons are enough to end a happy marriage. One day i think he has someone else and the next I think he is having some kind of crisis/breakdown. 

I am trying to stop contacting him all the time and to stop the begging and pleading, the longest we have gone without one or the other of us getting in touch is 4 days. 

I don’t know what to do for the best? I would appreciate some advice particularly around the anniversary card? I love him so much and just want him to come home.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

If he is not already sleeping with her, he is seriously considering a relationship with her. Time for 180. Be glad you can walk away without being strapped to him via children.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

He's being a petulant little child, and you want to send him an anniversary card?

Spend the money on yourself, darling. The way he's acting, he's lucky you're even acknowledging him.

180. Now. *GO.*


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I know this is a scary time for you...especially when there is no rational reason to explain his sudden behavioral shift. But I have experienced this...as well as hundreds of others on this forum. And I think we would unanimously agree that there HAS to be another woman involved.

I went through the same thing..wife leaving abruptly...saying she just don't feel in love anymore...that she needs space to think it over. But most of the time...this crazy push/pull behavior.

DO NOT SEND AN ANNIVERSARY CARD. DO NO SUCH THING. And I'll tell you why:
People in affairs for the most part (unless they are a sociopathic narcissist) know they are doing wrong. But they have been telling themselves so much lies and false justifications to get in a affair...that they achieve a state of total selfish denial. They blind themselves that this is a destructive act..instead they feed off of the belief that they deserve this, that it makes them feel good, yet they try to hide it as much as they can. They don't realize that it slowly takes over like a drug addiction...and the euphoria is strong enough to question if they actually have real feelings for their affair partner. At the same time, they are losing normal feelings for anyone and anything...and they start investing more and more to it...leaving nothing for their other relationships. Which is why in affairs, you will see them dress better (buy their own underwear), isolate and get more secretive and demanding with their "privacy", and grow more irritable about little things. Suddenly, they just feel claustrophobic in the marriage...like they are constricted. You sense the change in mood. You start to inquire..get pushed away. You then feel worried or insecure...more pushed away. They act oddly or disappear...you try to confront them...they blow up in your face...lying, blaming, deflecting...anything to put the blame on you...that YOU are the crazy one!! Sound familiar????
Don't question your insanity for another second. He is hiding something and it probably is an affair. Read Love Must Be Tough...as well as the "180" list they talk about here. To do your part to save the marriage (if you choose to upon discovery of an actual affair), then you need to pull away. Back off. No contact. In fact, to protect yourself from the erratic and entitled out-of-control behaviors of cheating spouses...it is best to protect your finances...or other personal assets. Then go on communication shut-down...strictly business. DO NOT..cry, beg, plead, argue, threaten, flip out, preach, teach, nag...or anything THAT WILL LOWER RESPECT. This will only increase that feeling of claustrophobia...that thing that tells him "See? Nothing is going to change!!" And if he is cheating, trust me, if he calls randomly to check up on you and stuff, then he is testing, feeling it out, playing games...push/pull...because he is in an inner struggle...part of him will be in denial...other times he will be saying "What am i doing?!?!" If you crowd him, he will run away. If you back off...then that will give him space to think stuff over and get back into his rational mind. But at the same time, get a PI or something to PROVE what I am telling I already know. Heck, i could be wrong...but I highly doubt it. This is textbook cheaters beahvior 101. I AM SO SORRY for you!! You can do this. get strong. get a gameplan...don't just wait for the axe to fall...get on the ball.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

:iagree:

I'm so sorry Jamie but please follow the advice here.

Here is the newbies thread from the cwi section you should read this!!!!!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Or send one and simply sign it "fvck off"


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

Thanks for all your comments guys. 

BFGuru = that actually made me laugh out loud for the first time in a good while. 

I am scared that if I dont send a card he will no longer think I love him....if I'm truly honest with myself I know he knows I do and that sending a card will just 'crowd' him. I am already working on the 180 approach....we've exchanged a few emails this morning about financial stuff and Ive kept it purely business, not even replying to his questions about my new car (i had a little moment of madness and treated myself a few weeks ago!). He made some comments which just screamed of a man with something to hide!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

His actions prove that he doesn't love you the way he should.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

jamiedoder said:


> I am scared that if I dont send a card he will no longer think I love him...


Its time to love yourself.

I think it is very highly likely he cheated on you while away. i would be very surprised if he didn't. the lack of contact, a fight on his return, lack of touching.

My guess, he cheated, he feels like a scumbag about it but would much rather contrive to blame it all on you.

Sounds like typical cheaters blame shifting.

You don't have kids, therefor you don't need to communicate at all other than financial matters. I think you should go hard 180 for your own recovery now.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Or, you could send him a note stating that rather than celebrating the anniversary, you have given a gift to a local children's organization. 
My biggest question is, why did you not want to tell him you were ready to start a family? Was there already something about him making you question his lifetime mate potential? If you really want to hit him where it hurts you could slyly slip it into conversation somewhere.
There's no telling what's going on in people's minds, even when we think we know them inside out. Maybe for your own sanity, take him at his word that he is not having an affair with the lady at work. (I feel a bashing coming on!) Infidelity is the main cause of marriage breakup, but there are so many other factors. I personally think my stbxh is severely depressed, but even with all of his second-hand knowledge of the illness, he insists he isn't. Too good for it, don't ya know. I spent a lot of time trying to convince him that we could fix our marriage, that nothing had happened that couldn't be fixed. Well, he is holding a grudge against me for have an illness that I have had to really get to know in order to maintain balance. I personally decided that's his problem now. He married me and promised God he would love me for better or worse. He broke a promise, not me. I stayed and fought for my life and family even in my darkest hours when all I wanted to do was die.
Don't make it easy for him though. No dusting off of hands and free slate. 
Good luck. Cry a little when you want to, but don't let it consume you. I made the mistake of doing that, and now I regret it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Get proof. Look up cell phone bill if possible...or go crazy and hire a P.I. or other creative means to establish for yourself that he is indeed cheating. Presently, he is "cake eating"...doing what he wants with no consequences.
Decide what you want to do! If he is cheating, do you want to reconcile this??? In either case (cheating or no), demand no contact from him until he is willing to go to marriage counseling. "I'm sorry, but if you won't do this, there is nothing more to talk about. Bye." And you sure as hell don't let him in your life, angle for sex...or whatever if he isn't being open, honest, safe, and has halted all communication...and has expressly sent a letter telling OM that IT'S DONE.
I know this may be harsh, but be thankful that you know this is coming about now, instead of having kids in the struggle. It's either A. This gets fixed, NOW or B. You move on...and create a new family with someone else.
This is a time where you stop being afraid of losing him, and start taking an honest look at your life and relationships...what you will and will not accept here on out. YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW, you just need to realize that!! You will find how much power you have when you enact the 180, cos he will test you, then waffle, then will ccry and beg at the door...and that is when you calmly let him know what you expect (and do NOT give an inch with your boundary!!) or tell him to kick rocks.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh lord . . . . sorry!

We have a saying here: 'You can't nice him out of it'. Do not send the card. Your ONLY hope (if you want him) is to make him see you will not indulge him. Don't be scared of that. He doesn't respect you right now. Be strong, don't chase. As long as he thinks you love him you will be plan B to the affair he IS (without any question) having.

He is being irrational. He is in the fog. You being rational with him will not work because the basis of his actions is not rational. You cannot appeal to him on those grounds. You also cannot appeal to his love for you or your love for him. The fog! All you can do is the 180.

It is horrible, it will get worse, then it will start getting better. The sooner you can detach (the purpose of the 180) the sooner you will feel better. He may well then come running back to you, and by then you will have a decision to make. But it will be your decision and on your terms.

Get the evidence. Confront with it. Blow his affair out of the water. The advice so far is excellent - and it will continue to be. Keep asking, keep listening.

Good luck!!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Ask yourself this: 

Say for sake of argument that we were married. If I blatantly disrespected you, would you be nice to me? Probably not. You would start being nice once I started showing you respect, wouldn't you.

Same applies here.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

Thanks guys, I am stupid to even consider sending a card because he's hurt me so much. I am a mess, I spent the first fortnight thinking that I just couldn't go on. I'm now six weeks in and I obviously can exist without him, although it hurts like hell, I cant concentrate at all but I am turning up at work each day. I feel like an affair is the most rational explanation, I'd rather just know, then I could hate him and move on with my life. Its just so against his values, he hates people who have affairs and he thinks marriages are for life - obviously with the exception of his own. He has just quit on our marriage and is now doing everything he can to separate himself from me financially (moving his salary and direct debits from our joint bank account to his own) = we've only been apart 6 weeks. Having said this we haven't gone more than 4 days without one or the other of us getting in touch. I really want to step back, I'm sick of being hurt and rejected now. I am trying to avoid contact but he keeps instigating texts/emails over financial things. 

Camelia - I didnt tell him outright that I wanted to have a baby because I think I was scared to here myself say it out loud. I know he'd be a fabulous Dad, I cant help thinking that if I'd only admitted it to him I wouldn't be in this position now. 

I feel like I haven't been paying him a whole lot of attention with everything that has being going on with the house sale/purchase - that has consumed my energy. We also haven't been very physical....but that has been the same for quite a while now. I am also wondering if that is why he may have strayed/felt a loss of bond. We have discussed this and he says one of his reasons that i have worn him down is that there is no passion. I have asked him if he still finds me attractive and wants to sleep with me and he says he does and I feel the same about him. Its not as though either one of us has been refusing the other, its just that we've got into the habit of not. He says he doesn't even feel that its particularly important. I truly feel that this combined with resentment towards me for not wanting to have a baby straight away is the real reasons he is out of love with our marriage. I feel like I could have prevented this.

I have wondered if he is perhaps depressed or having an early mid life crisis (he's only 32) because he talks as though he is now too old to have children and that the chance has now passed him by. I tell him we have time to have 6 if he wants! Its all I care about now, I just wished I'd been ready when he was and now I'd have the perfect life rather than a broken heart. I feel cheated out of 11 years of my life, and I feel angry about that. i wouldn't have married him if I thought he would just walk away from our marriage like this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You are plan B while he explores his other woman. Plan B gets zero respect, so demand respect and file for divorce yourself. You teach people how to treat you, and right now you are teaching him that you will put up with anything and be there waiting if his highness decides ow isn't working out. See a lawyer now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You are plan B while he explores his other woman. Plan B gets zero respect, so demand respect and file for divorce yourself. You teach people how to treat you, and right now you are teaching him that you will put up with anything and be there waiting if his highness decides ow isn't working out. See a lawyer now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree:


Although it is possible he isnt cheating this fits his actions perfectly.

Detach for your own sake. Be strong, be yourself.

It is hard but it is so worth it.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I'm having a really bad day today. I just want to pick up the phone and try and make some sense of his reasons and get him to come back. I was supposed to meet a friend after work but ive come home instead to have a good cry. Its so hard to concentrate at work. Im next to useless. It will be a week tomorrow since Ive just started to politely answer his questions but to ask nothing about him or volunteer anything about my life. He has even made spiteful comments and I just didn't acknowledge them at all. I am so worried he may no longer think im interested in saving the marriage. Perhaps I should just send a plain card saying something like 'thinking of you today'? The most recent text I received was to say he has stopped his salary being paid into our joint bank account....weve only been apart six weeks! How can he even think about these things. His parents have told me that when they ask him about trying to sort things out with me, he says 'he can't see us getting back together at the moment'and he has answered in this way more than once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Now is the time to steel yourself. A card? Do no such thing!! HE WILL NOT RESPECT IT AND THROW IT AWAY. You know, I wouldn't even politely answer questions if it is just him prodding at you...just keep it business. When he is a jerk to you, don't ignore it, calmly say "I'm not going to be treated this way, if you have something to say when you can be respectful, call me then. Otherwise, bye. *CLICK*" SET THOSE BOUNDARIES. 
I know you are confused and scared witless...but you need to dig deep into your power here. If you want him to respect you, be someone he will respect!!! "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Don't give into the pain...master it...learn about yourself from it...you are a flippin' warrior...a Shield Maiden...commissioned to walk in integrity, honor, commitment..and no circumstance will move you from that. If your H doesn't get it or treat you with respect...that behavior is BENEATH YOU...not above you...it can't kill you...it can't defeat you...it can't destroy...IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER. Be thankful that this is happening...because it is going to change your life for the better!!!! If your weak-willed husband can't DEAL with the tough times, then he is a baby...and you will not have a baby as a husband...you need a MASTER WARRIOR that can lead you, challenge you, not wimp away and cry cos his boo-boo hurts. Throw down that gauntlet, say "I'm not your b****, B*****!! You want this??? Well right now you can't handle this. Call me when you man-up and decide to be with a real woman...not some floozy who has to scrape the bottom of the barrel for married men. Other wise...kick rocks!!"

Save this...print it...read it when you start to forget!!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

He's thinking about these things because his mind is made up, Jamie. Sad reality.

My STBX wanted our bank accounts separated after 2 days. 

This is going to hurt and probably be the worst pain you will ever go through, but you have to focus on YOU, now. That means no nice cards, no texting back, no nothing. He doesn't deserve it, and the only thing he deserves is to be without you. You clearly want to fight for this, he clearly has thrown in the towel. 

You should save the sweet, kind gestures for somebody who would actually appreciate them.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Please for the sake of your own self respect DONT send a card.

I spent ages doing a handmade valentines card for my stbx, ages over what i wrote in it. 

None of it meant anything to her, it just made me look even more pathetic in her eyes than i already did.

You need to start realising that he had a wife but decided to fire her.

If you got fired by your employer, you wouldn't show up the next day and work for free would you?


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

Today is our anniversary :-( I hurt like hell. I want to change my Facebook profile picture to a photo of our wedding day but so fat have resisted the urge.

I called him on Thursday evening (a mistake I know) and I was very short with him ( I really surprised myself). I asked him if this was a trial separation - he said it wasn't. I asked him about seeing other people, he twice replied and said do you mean telling other people...when he eventually got what i meant he told me I could do what I liked. That was like a dagger to my heart. I asked him if he was having an affair and told him a few things were starting to fall into place and that I would found out one way or another so he should just tell me the truth....it took him nearly three hours to reply to me but he denied it again. Has anyone got any suggestions on how to catch him out?

I sent him a tirade of text messages yesterday (another mistake I know). Firstly saying he cant have ever loved me because he wouldn't be able to do this if he did and that I must repulse him so much he despises me. I then followed that up with a load of reasons why I love him and told him it is possible to fall in love again if you take it slow and are willing to try. Guess what - no response. Perhaps he has never loved me!


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

You know, I did all that too. And looking back at at it, it was like being in a whirlpool. Every now and then you can picture yourself standing on the bank watching yourself being thrown helplessly about, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do about it. It feels like a process you have to go through. You have to send those texts and make those calls. I like the idea of being short with him over a period of nearly three hours BTW!

But you know your mistakes and telling you they are mistakes is futile.

One day you will drag yourself to the bank. Every now and then you will want just to jump back in again. I feel your pain and am so sorry there is no shortcut. Except you can swim to that bank now like your life depends upon it. I and a number of others are swimming with you and there are good people on the bank throwing you ropes. Take hold of the ropes Jamie and listen to what you are saying to yourself about mistakes.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Yes they were mistakes.

Most of us make them though.

Don't beat yourself up for the mistakes. You must endeavour to do better each time you slip up.

You really just need to detach. Look after your heart.

Please do not use a pic of the two of you as your profile. There is no you and him anymore.

What you need is a pic of you looking happy and confident on you own or with anyone that isn't him.

You have to try and be happy without him. Fake it till you make it if you have to but do it anyway.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

I still disagree with most of the people here about the affair. Not every marriage hits a rocky spot or even ends because of an affair. There are other things that can contribute. He probably told you that you could see other people because he was caught off guard. You were angry, and hurt and you went after him. That's okay. But you will find that it does more harm than good. Nice things are rarely said when words of anger are being thrown out there. The fact that you are angry is normal. I have been through this. I have said everything you said and more. Like you, it only made me feel worse. As much as it seems impossible to do, your friends on here are right. You have to make yourself a priority at this point. Find a way to bring yourself some peace. Spend time with friends and get distracted. You love you, and that is what you need to concentrate on. Good luck!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Whether he is wayward or walk away, the solution at this point is the same though.

Look after youself and stop chasing.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I am trying to read lots of books on avoiding divorce and saving your marriage. Has anyone had tried Amy Waterman's Save Your Marriage Today or The Magic of Making Up and had any success? Ive been told to read Love Must Be Tough...as well. Any advice anyone....I guess this is pretty much the principle of the 180...e.g. stopping the negative behaviour.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I'm also reading "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

An update....

My husband claimed to be on a last minute business trip in Bristol a few days before we had the confrontation and he moved out. I dont know why (perhaps the posts on here) but I called the hotel he told me he was staying at and they have no record of a reservation in his name. He has also withdrawn money from an another area of the country when he claimed to be staying with a friend in our town (this may have been a day trip - I dont know). As I've already said all his passwords have been changed. I have also found out he has been watching dirty movies on my lovefilm account since he moved out. I text him to say i'd seen what he'd been watching but he didnt respond. I can see that this is all beginning to look very much like he is having an affair...not quite sure about the dirty movies though if he is having his end away elsewhere. 

Anyway he continues to contact me every 3 days or so about money/bills and is always asking me how I am/how the house is and commenting about things ive put on my facebook status. I have just been responding to the questions about bills and ignoring the 'chit chat'. Today, I lost it though and just replied that I wasnt interested in being his friend and that unless he's had a change of heart he needs to keep it business. Ive also told him that he has to phone before appearing unannounced at our house (not that he ever has - but he obviously has been driving past). 

Everytime I hear from him I get upset, even if its just about bills etc. I dont understand why he keeps contacting me so much. I do so much better when I dont here from him. I desperately want to save our marriage but I dont want to chat nicely with him after all this. I am worried that I have jeopardised any chance of reconciliation but I also want him to know that I am not plan b - who he can just keep sweet. I think he just wants to be my friend and Im not sure thats possible right now. Have I done the right thing? How can I detach/180 and still let him know that I want to save the marriage if he decides he wants to? I am not instigating any contact. Confused.com!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Chatting nicely would be rewarding him for leaving. I'd block him from facebook or at least unfriend him if he wants to chat about the stuff on there btw.

Eta, I think you're doing the right thing. "letting him know" you want to work on things would just push him away and let him know he has you for plan B.

You should never be anything other than plan "A and only", both for others and yourself.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

jamiedoder said:


> Have I done the right thing? How can I detach/180 and still let him know that I want to save the marriage if he decides he wants to? I am not instigating any contact.


It has been nearly 8 weeks since he left. All his actions point to ending the marriage (moving out, opening new bank accounts, removing money, changing all his passwords, ect). You can read a lot about a man by his actions.

My question is this, why are you waiting to see if _*he*_ decides *he* wants to save the marriage? You already have his answer, his actions speak loud and clear.

This hurts, but he is done. You need to take action to disconnect from him and start your new life without him. It sucks, it hurts, and you are already miserable. Everyone has to grieve before you can move to the next step. As much as you may want this marriage, marriage takes two. He obviously is not there...

I would not worry so much about a possible affair, you never get all the answers you want. There will always be more questions that will not be answered.

As I said, his actions are clear. I would go ahead and split your assets, determine what you will do with your home (sell), and file for divorce.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I am on day 11 of no contact.....this is the longest we have gone without being in touch. Tomorrow is payday and I need to ask him for some money to cover our mortgage etc. Can someone please give me some advice as to how best to handle this without ruining the last 11 days? Its absolutely killing me and ever time I hear from him I get upset. Its been 11 weeks since he moved to his parents house and said he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and gave me a load of petty reasons. I'm still not sure if its an EA/PA or he just resentments me for not having a baby when he wanted one. I guess the reasons will become apparent over time. I just need some advice right now about how best to contact him regarding the finances. I want to be strong....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you need money for the mortgage then that's the sole focus of the conversation or email. Short and simple. A request for money for the mortgage.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

New developments......my husbands parents came round to see me last night and told me:
- my husband has now moved out of their house and is living in a house his friend owns which is pretty much a building site
- before he left their house, he went out one night and didnt come back all night despite saying he would - the following day he just told them "I'm a big boy now"
- he's going on holiday next week to Menorca with "people from work". Menorca is hardly a destination for a boys holiday and everyone he works with is married......other than this one friend who's house he is staying in. There has been rumours about him being friendly with a girl he works with.

On top of all this he he completely deleted his marital status from facebook and blocked me from seeing his posts. 

I have also recently found out that he has lied about going on a business trip a few days before he left me. I called the hotel and he was never there. I have confronted him about this and he just denies an affair and says he was there. 

I honestly think he is going on holiday with whoever he is messing around with. I feel so powerless. Just doing the 180/no contact....I did have to ask him for money a few days ago and just told him I was ok and keeping busy. I gave nothing away and didnt ask any questions....just kept it lighthearted but businesslike. Every new piece of information is like a dagger to my heart. I hurt so much,


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Let him go honey. I know it's hard but nothing you can say or do will change his mind at this point.
If you want to get back together, keep that in mind, but you must start living your own life too.
Be good to yourself, this wasn't your fault. It was his choice.

He needs to set up a direct debit for money he is required to give you. Ask him to do that and there will be no need for anymore contact.
Remember the 180 is for your benefit, and not a tool for getting him back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

this is bolt out of the blue, when your H suddenly from one day to the next changes and says he wants out.

after reading everything my gut reaction is affair. hence the secrecy not just to you but also with his parents. but he feels guilty and is trying to repaint your marriage as flawed and hence he is moving on. everything he has done points to this. he does not want to be your husband but is too cowardly to come and tell you.

second possibility is a mid life crisis and he feels he is missing out on something which is undefinable and wants to experience it before he gets old

third possibility is some form of mental disorder.

in all three cases, you cant bring him back by being nice. he has treated you abominably. 

do the 180 scrupulously. make sure all friends and family are aware that he has abandoned you. get him off your facebook and other social networking as a part of the 180.

why is there a constant need to discuss financial matters every 3 or 4 days? tell him his monthly share of the bills and ask him to do a standing order to your account to pay the bills or automate paying these bills.

get legal advice immediately. know your rights. 

do you have a lot of equity in the house? consider renting the house out as a way to move out and be closer to your family if that helps you.

and consider how long will you wait till you take action? if he is like this in 2, 3 or 6 months time will you consider divorce then? dont leave yourself hanging. come up with a plan for yourself so you dont feel lost or helpless. if he cannot be open and straight forward then do you really want a husband like that

if he decides to come back, will you take him back. what are your conditions for taking him back? think about these things.

the best course of action is to focus on being positive and improving yourself. he has shown by his actions that he does not care for you, so painful though it is you need to detach and divorce him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His actions say that he has moved on. You need to do the same. It definitely isn't easy but it can be done. And life on the other side is better.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

Openminded said:


> His actions say that he has moved on. You need to do the same. It definitely isn't easy but it can be done. And life on the other side is better.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

So its now 13 weeks since he left. The longest spell of no contact since I really started trying is 11 days (and then it was just about bills). I contacted him 9 days ago because I found out via his parents that he was going on holiday with "people from work". Today he got back from his holiday and he has text me to say he's coming round to the house tomo whilst im at work to pick up his golf clubs. Not sure what to make of this...is he testing the waters as he hasnt heard from me and the holiday wasnt quite what he hoped or does he just want to play golf whilst he's still off work? I did ask him a while ago not to turn up at the house unannounced. Im starting to lose the urge to contact him...it doesnt seem to get me anywhere anyway....not sure what that means about me?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

He just wants his stuff most likely. They often want to see if you are still plan B. Very very rare is it they realise they have made a mistake.

Harden your self for it. Cool, calm dispassionate. Feel free to put on a happy mask and even let him see what he is missing but absolutely no attempts to test the water yourself. You need to be stronger than that

Good luck.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I've caught him out.....I bought a new ipad a few days ago and set it up with the same apple id as the one he took when he left. He's been making video calls to the girl from work who has removed her engagement ring and who the rumours are about. He has only ever done this once or twice to his brother and only has her and his brother as contacts. She lives a few counties in away in the area where he has been making cash withdrawals and been staying away on 'business trips'. I called and confronted him about this...i was calm and collected...he just said he had called her but he denied they worked together until I told him I knew they did. He will not say anything else....just the normal silence and he tried to change the subject and ask how my holiday was. He was drunk at the time...I think I caught him completely off guard. I've also called her and left her a voice mail. I've emailed his parents this morning and will be telling all our friends. I guess its still not proof but its enough for me....just too many coincidences. I know some say exposing is not the right thing to do but I want everyone to know what he is doing. I do desperately want to reconcile but he obviously doesn't right now and I am not prepared to sit on the sidelines and keep quiet well this just happens. I have no clue whether this relationship started before or after he left and I got the ILYBINILWY or whether it is physical etc and I know we have been separated for almost 4 months but in my heart I know this is the reason why. I just wish I knew why I'm not good enough anymore or whats wrong with me that he has had to go and find someone else. She's not even that attractive.....I guess I just keep up with the 180 and wait and see what happens.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

I didnt ask him to stop seeing her and to come home...the conversation was purely just for him to tell me what is/has been going on. I guess as he has already moved out and told me its not a trial separation there is no point in giving him an ultimatum because he has already made his choice. I just asked for honesty......and he wont even give me that...I never knew he was capable of such lies and deceipt. How have other people handled similar situations?


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Once they're gone see you see all of the lies. Your respect will deplete and anger will fill your heart as you see them for who they really are.... selfish, lying, cowards.


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