# Cheated 6 months into the marriage



## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

Hello everybody,

This is my first post, I really have nobody to talk to. I found out my husband of barely 6 months has been chatting online with some women - 1 constantly, 2 one and off. The chats were almost exclusively sexual, I found them by mistake and glanced at them, could not sit down and read them from the beginning. 

Needless to say, I am crushed. I moved from Europe to be with him, leaving everything behind. I am having a hard time living here, we are poor, so we also struggle. I was better off back home, I am an only child, my parents strongly opposed out marriage. I am too ashamed to go back home, and talking to them or my friends about what happened is just too humiliating.

To add to the problems, I am pretty sure both of us are suffering from some sort of mental illness. I know I have a very low self esteem and I do want to/and have hurt myself. When I found out, I felt this overpowering anger, not directed at him, but at me for being so stupid. I went to the bathroom, and hurt myself (slapped myself over the face multiple times, bashed my head against the wall). My mother was/is very abusive, and she used to really beat me up. I went through depression and thoughts of suicide, but that part is gone, I do not want to kill myself or die in any way, I just want to suffer because I think I deserve it for being so stupid.

Of course, those women were way prettier, more attractive and younger than me. I have been gaining weight lately (we live in northern US, where winter really takes forever to end), so I stayed indoors a lot. He was my first and only sexual partner, and he has revealed to me that is is not satisfied by our sex life. Thing is, his erections go away very fast, so we focus a lot on him during foreplay, and very little on me. We use lube, but most of the time, I bleed after having sex. I do enjoy the sex, despite it being painful at times. 

I dont know what else I can say that is relevant. I wanted a divorce, now I dont know. We dont have enough money to see a marriage counselor. Where do we go from here?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

First, you need to get some help for yourself. These thoughts of hurting yourself and then actually doing so are not normal. You can't expect to work on a relationship when you clearly have major issues yourself. Nobody deserves to suffer and that's certainly not the solution to any problem.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

Thank you for your reply.

I know I need help, and I did contemplate going to someone professional when I was back home. I was hoping that moving away from my abuser and being in a decent relationship, in which I feel loved and protected would heal my wounds in time. Unfortunately, that back fired on me. I can not afford any time of help, I am uninsured, and he is supporting me, so not enough money to see a psychologist. I will have to pull through it on my own, I have done it before, when I was in college and I was very depressive/suicidal. I told my mother I need money to see a doctor because I am considering suicide, and she replied she doesn't have money to waste on me, and if I cant find the will to live, then maybe Im better off dead. 

I just feel I am set on a path that will make me go into abusive relationships constantly throughout my life, but I really dont understand what I ever did to my husband to make him want to hurt me so.

Sorry for my mistakes, I am not a native speaker.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My wife suffered a lot of abuse in her childhood, leading to speech impediments, self-abuse and such things about which you are talking. She's 44 now and went through a lot of therapy, although that was 20 years ago. The reason I tell you this is that she has a child, who is her pride and joy, and in me, despite our problems, she has found someone gentle and loving who only wants to see her succeed in life. I'm no prince, but I'm not a frog, either. 

In your post you say you are from Europe, living in the northern US, but I am not sure where you are. Often there are sponsored clinics that can provide you with some therapy. You can't count on friends for therapy, or relatives, as they always seem to have an agenda. See if there are any sponsored clinics in your area. This may actually be easier to find in some countries in Europe, but the US has such programs. You have a computer so you can google it in your area. Please make an effort to do this as it's one of many steps it appears you need to take. 

As for your relationship, it appears you are in one that the other isn't into. If he's doing all those things, where do you stand? To the side, it seems. Sounds like he has problems of his own as well. You may want to step back and reassess why you are in this relationship and what you truly need/want out of it. If he can't keep his wedding vows for six months, it's not likely to get any better a year, two years, five years from now, if ever. 

I'm sorry you are here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1) You are currently in the US?
2) You are from what country?
3) Did you know that in most US states you can annul a marriage of less than a year?
4) DO NOT GET PREGNANT from this man!
5) He is poor and importing European women?
6) Rough ages.
7) No children involved?


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

1. Yes
2. Eastern Europe.
3. No, I didnt.
4. Not pregnant.
5. Money does not matter that much to me, I was always poor, just different degrees, so that's not an issue.
6. me 30/him 35.
7. No kids.

I feel so trapped and hurt. I cant even move away or stay apart some time because I am so dependent on him. I just got my work permit, and I am actively looking for jobs, but until I find one, I have to stay where I am.

He has been treating me right all this time, so I saw no red flags. He is affectionate, and listens to me and all that, which is what makes it more difficult. According to him, it was just porn, and nothing else. He cried, he begged, he installed key loggers on his computer, gave me access to all his accounts, deactivated that account he was chatting from. But, in reality, that doesn't help me. I don't want a marriage in which I am supposed to be the spy, I want a relationship with a man I can trust. 

I think I have helped him put his life together, when we met he wasnt really sure where he was going. He went from an income of 7k a year, to 25 last year, to 50 this year, if nothing changes. I convinced and got him excited about going back to school to study engineering. I did not ask much of him, I went through a Minnesotan weather with a coat from walmart and his sister's old shoes. I insisted that we use the money we have extra for him, to buy him nice clothes, make him look dependable and nice, because he is a manager and he should look the part if he wanted to be successful. I accepted that, I think in life you have to sacrifice before achieving results. 

And there he goes, telling other women online how beautiful and sexy they are. Women who clearly have nice clothes (mine have holes in them, so I have to wear his worn out t shirts, they look better than what I have), spend a lot of time and money on make up and taking care of themselves. meanwhile, I cut my own hair in the bathroom mirror, because I want to save us as much money as possible, so he can go to school this summer.

I am just crushed.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

The plot thickens. I read what he was saying. Apparently he has fantasies about this 13 yo that he has known since she was a baby, he was telling them how he trains her to be his sex slave. He also expressed his desire to have a wife like them. He got pictures of them, and said they are the most beautiful women he had ever seen and how he wished he could sleep with them, and how maybe they can get together when they come to the US this autumn. He called them by the pet name he uses for me.

I want a divorce, he threatens to kill himself if I leave him. I know it is just an empty threat, but he does have PTSD because he has been active duty and deployed in war zones.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I say move out and live on your own. Get an annulment if you can. This guy sounds like a cake eater. You will hurt for a long time, but you will gain confidence and be able to focus on yourself if you leave and build your own life. 

Think of it this way. He will most likely cheat over and over until you get so used to it, you will become depressed and more angry at yourself than you already are.

And I recommend getting some help for yourself also. You need to realize that what your mom did to you is not your fault. She hurt you because she is hurt by something. Has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nobody should ever beat a child. Your mother of all people should have known that.

My mom was beaten by her mother as a child. She developed some severe anxiety issues as she got older. She still suffers with them sometimes to this day. Tells me about it sometimes. My mom is a wonderful woman though. She raised us as gently as a flower. Could do no harm and is a very patient woman. 

Anyway, I say take control of your own life, forgive yourself for things that had nothing to do with you. And forgive all those that have hurt you for your own sake. Stop hitting yourself. When you get angry at yourself, take big breaths and think about what you are about to do, and if it's beneficial to you. 

You are a person who deserves love just like anyone does. 

You have to see that this it's never too late to change your life.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

I looked into MN laws. I can't see much ground for anullment, although I suppose I could claim 

"Impotence or an inability to have a physical relationship- petitioner would have one year to file from the point where they discovered this condition."

Either that or mental illness.

It doesnt matter, I will take it all on my shoulders, I will admit to mental illness (not that it would be a lie), or to inability to have sex.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Wow this guy sounds like a nightmare on two legs. He's on a fast track to prison with this 13 year old crap. Run, don't walk away!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Troubled13 said:


> The plot thickens. I read what he was saying. Apparently he has fantasies about this 13 yo that he has known since she was a baby, he was telling them how he trains her to be his sex slave. He also expressed his desire to have a wife like them. He got pictures of them, and said they are the most beautiful women he had ever seen and how he wished he could sleep with them, and how maybe they can get together when they come to the US this autumn. He called them by the pet name he uses for me.
> 
> I want a divorce, he threatens to kill himself if I leave him. I know it is just an empty threat, but he does have PTSD because he has been active duty and deployed in war zones.


He sound pathetic. If it's any consolation to you he was probably talking to 45 y/o men latent homosexual men with beer guts and living in their grandma's basement - getting off by sex talking with other guys and sending them pics stolen from fb.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

He tries to play it all off as "porn", and de-humanize them as "porn robots".


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Don't believe a word he says about that. My H used to do that in his Golden days of cheating. I bought it sometimes but still wanted him to stop cheating.

The things I would brush over when I met my H are so despicable now that I look back. I should have had more balls so to speak


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

I dont believe him, I dont know what to believe anymore. I am numb inside. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Unfortunately, my low self esteem tells me I dont deserve any better, that I am destined to be miserable, that I am a failure. I like pain, both physical and emotional. 

I may be seeking professional help, I think that is more important to me than anything related to marriage. I dont define myself through marriage, but I define myself through my failures.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Troubled13 said:


> I dont believe him, I dont know what to believe anymore. I am numb inside. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Unfortunately, my low self esteem tells me I dont deserve any better, that I am destined to be miserable, that I am a failure. I like pain, both physical and emotional.
> 
> I may be seeking professional help, I think that is more important to me than anything related to marriage. I dont define myself through marriage, but I define myself through my failures.


No one person is better than another. You have to see that. 

Life is a matter of choice. You choose who you want to be and who you want to be around....and we all fail in one way or another. I've failed in plenty of things. 

Try not to define yourself through your failures. Define yourself based on what you do after you fail (and I mean real "failures") 

Right now your blaming yourself for your H's failures. He will be held accountable for his actions. You are just a by-standard in his failures.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry and send you hugs. It's a very short marriage with no kids. I think you should get the marriage annulled. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please take care of yourself.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

Thank you, everybody. We are having a session tomorrow with a psychologist, hope both of us can get help, first and foremost as people, and only secondly as a couple. I chopped off my beautiful, waist long hair to not even an inch. Was so embarrassing to go to the hair dresser's, and have to come up with a story about why it looks so. Hope I get the help I need. Thank you again, and good luck with everything.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Troubled13 said:


> Thank you, everybody. We are having a session tomorrow with a psychologist, hope both of us can get help, first and foremost as people, and only secondly as a couple. I chopped off my beautiful, waist long hair to not even an inch. Was so embarrassing to go to the hair dresser's, and have to come up with a story about why it looks so. Hope I get the help I need. Thank you again, and good luck with everything.


That's great that you both are getting help. I hope it works out for you. 

What made you chop off your hair?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My wife chopped off her hair when we had our donnybrook a couple years ago. I understand (now) that it's often done when people are going through incredible stress.


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

I was going through a very low self esteem crisis, and I felt I didnt deserve to have such beautiful hair. I still do feel inferior to those women he talked to, because they are more beautiful, younger, way sexier than me, and into the stuff he is into (sexually speaking). According to what he told me it was just a fantasy for him, not different than porn, but still crossing a line that is unacceptable when in a stable relationship. Apparently, that it isnt so unusual, and it was sparked by boredom (it is still snowing here, and has been for months) -- still, no excuse!

One thing I do know for sure, I will never forget those words he said to them. Because of them, I will always feel second best, like the horse one plows with, while they will always be better than me, the prized horse, that you take care of well, and take out to show off on Sundays.

Because of that, I now feel the need to humiliate myself in front of them, to send them gifts like I never received, to make them feel praised and special, not as a petty revenge, but as a genuine homage to their superiority.

Guess the psychologist is going to have her hands busy with me for the years to come.


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## mswho (May 3, 2013)

Troubled,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and if they haven't told you already, it sounds like your husband may have a cybersex/porn addiction. I say this as my hubbie is a porn addict, and is finally seeking help as he has cheated on me and knows he's hanging by a thread as I have kicked him out, and will divorce him if he does not seek treatment (I would have already divorced him if we didn't have 2 L.Os). 

It is a very serious condition that progressively worsens and destroys many marriages...quite alarming as now he is talking to minors. If the psychologist confirms this, there are other topics within this forum on addictions you can go to for help.

If he does have an addiction, please understand he most likely had it before he ever met you, and it has NOTHING to do with you. You can be a supermodel and he will still look at/chat w/these other girls, so do not compare yourself to them. It's a coping mechanism some men use to deal with deeper underlying issues. 

There is treatment for it, but with your marriage being so short, w/o kids, and your youth, I would strongly consider getting out. Also work on yourself with the psychologist to ensure you are not subconsciously attracted to men like this in the future, as it sounds like you have family of origin issues.

HUGS.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Being uprooted to this country to settle down with this man and then finding these things out - it must be very lonely and difficult for you. 

Since he was your first partner, did he have these arousal problems when you were still inexperienced and new to him? The fact that he fantasizes about young girls and training them, uses the same pet name, and dehumanizes women as sex slaves and robots - all very troubling. Many soldiers dehumanize people to cope with having to kill them: "Just another dead (insert slang here)." Combined with the trauma and stress, your mention of PTSD, and all these warning signs - I think it's clear he needs major help.

I think counseling would help you avoid some of the destructive thoughts and behaviors, but if you don't/can't go, don't let your husband drag you down in any way, shape, or form. His shame and his sins are not yours, so don't own them. Focus on making yourself stronger and happier and it's very likely things in your life will take a positive turn.

This is not your native tongue, and yet you write quite well, so clearly you are smart. You have dealt with hardships in the past and got through them, even without support from your own mother, so clearly there is strength in you. Hold onto those things and have confidence in them, and remember you're young and still have an opportunity to live a happy life.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Troubled13 said:


> I was going through a very low self esteem crisis, and I felt I didnt deserve to have such beautiful hair. I still do feel inferior to those women he talked to, because they are more beautiful, younger, way sexier than me, and into the stuff he is into (sexually speaking). According to what he told me it was just a fantasy for him, not different than porn, but still crossing a line that is unacceptable when in a stable relationship. Apparently, that it isnt so unusual, and it was sparked by boredom (it is still snowing here, and has been for months) -- still, no excuse!
> 
> One thing I do know for sure, I will never forget those words he said to them. *Because of them, I will always feel second best, like the horse one plows with, while they will always be better than me, the prized horse, that you take care of well, and take out to show off on Sundays*
> 
> ...


What a beautiful analogy. You are very gifted with expression. I have to say that you are very correct with what you just said. He is a user and abuser. My H has always made me into the worker horse while he enjoys free and lovely time with other women. It's a depressing thought.

However, as the worker horses, we are a necessity. We keep life going. We are the true prize. Even though we are sometimes not appreciated the way we would like to be, we are needed. We are truly beautiful because our endurance and dedication is what makes us that.

Your H is the only one who has something to lose, not you


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## Troubled13 (Apr 30, 2013)

While I am not replying that often, I do read and give thought to everything you say. My H is very apologetic and sorry, wants us to try and work it through, swears he loves me more than anything, the whole nine yards. It is strange how our mind works when we are vulnerable, how we desperately crave reassurance and affection, no matter where it comes from. 

Going through the oh so common phase of "never going to happen again, let me make it up to you and so on".

Unfortunately, neither of us are experiencing this as normal people, because of our background. I hurt myself, and he hurt himself far worse than I. He warned me that any type of wound I make on myself, he will make on his own body, only far worse. I just feel this overwhelming anger, which apparently I am misdirecting at myself. He begs me to hate him instead, and be mad at him, rather than inclined to self destruction. He offered to find me a place and to support me for the rest of my life if that is what I want. 

Anything he can do for me to be happy - with or without him in the picture - he will do, he says.

What a mess!


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