# Why doesn't he know?



## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hi again everyone....

Its been a minute since I have been on here. I thought things were progressing well. We stopped therapy as it seemed to help and give us some tools to work together.

Anyways.. about a week or two ago my husband just got really blue. More so than usual. My behavior hadnt been the best as I was being ****ty and treating him poorly. I realize this and Im working to better myself and not be like that towards him. He is my other half I should treat him amazing!

I asked him the other day if he was okay and he just said "Im not happy, I dont know why Im not happy, Im just not." No answers, no reason why. Nothing. He tells me he is happy with me but he cant figure out why he isnt happy. IM SO CONFUSED! Ive questioned for days. He still tells me he loves me and he wants to be home with us but he wants to leave and come back? 

So Ive improved my behavior and treatment towards him. He is still miserable. I dont know how to help him. He ignores my encouraging words and just mopes around. Then tension is thick. It feels awkward. We dont talk much. He is distant. It feels like he doesnt want to be around me at all. Ive stopped questioning him. I have no idea how to help him. 

This morning he told me to just do what I do. He is sooo frustrating. I have no idea what is going on. I have no idea how to help him and am just completely lost.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He knows. You say he is blue.

Yes, he is blue. Not enough oxygen in his system?

He is depressed and listless. He snaps at you because he is miserable. You know this, he knows this.

The cure?

Medicine for him. Or better, more effective medicine for him. Medicine to cure his anxiety and depression. If he will take it...if it will work for him. If squared. You in the middle of two "Ifs" or next to one sad-dad stiff.

He hates himself, his place in life, everything in general....everything in private. He takes it out on you. This is symptomatic. He feels down and drags you along with him. A vicious circle/cycle.

He does not want to be truthful. The truth is.....he has given up and is spinning in ever-slowing circles.

He needs help....you need relief. 

You may end up leaving him. That will be you relief. Do not wait forever. 

Do not hate him....just let him go.

Sorry. Modern medicine has a way to go with these things.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

How old are the two of you?

Have him talk to a counselor... they have the tools to get past the "I don't knows" because in reality, we really do but simply don't want to over some fear, choose not to, or can't express them sometimes to those closest to us.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My ex used to be a beotch to me and everyone else in her family. It took a tole on me and I never came back. Finally read No More Mr Nice Guy and left her a$$. 

A guy can only take so much of being disrespected. How much love is going on between you? Any intimacy (sex, kissing, hugging)?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Restart therapy.

Until he has the will and the tools to articulate whats going on inside, it will become progressively worse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, can you blame him? If you were being sh!tty to him, no wonder he isn't happy. You cant do that, then kiss up to him for a few days and make it all ok. 

And him wanting to leave and come back? That part sounds like maybe he has a woman in mind he is wanting to try out. Just sayin.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

We are in our early 30's and have been together for 10 years. Married for 5 of those 10 years. The intimacy had gone strong until he get all depressed. Now its just kissing before bed and in the morning before we leave for work.

Last night he asked me to lay on him. Yesterday morning and this morning. He held me tight and kissed me and few times. I feel like he is trying to say goodbye to me. I trust my instincts and everything feels so off.

He swears there is no one else but Im wondering if he met someone and she is making him realize things. I dont know. We've been through a lot of rough patches and always seemed to come out stronger than ever but for some reason this feels all wrong. Like he will just stick around for Christmas and then Im scared he might leave and never come back. All I ask is for his honesty. Thats it. If he doesnt want me or to be in this anymore I dont expect him too. I just want him to be happy even if its not with me and as much as that would destroy me. 

As far as my behavior. I am not kissing ass for a few days to make up with him. Im actively trying to treat him better. I dont plan on going back to the crappy behavior. I love him. I see that I wasnt the nicest and said a few things that hurt and I never should have. I want us to work and last and will do just about anything to make it happen.

I hope that he or both of us can work this out. I really do. Ive spent years lifting this man up and building his confidence. I just dont know what clicked or what happened for it to all shut off and for him to be cold with me. 

He doesnt seem to have answers which is what I am looking for. I think he has answers he just doesnt want to hurt me. If he is going to leave, he just needs to leave instead of dragging it out.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He needs help. Depending on the severity of your behavior and other possibilities, he is on a downward spiral which you may have been a catalyst to or compounded the situation depending on how much you played a role.

Question. How long were you terrible towards him, how extreme was your behavior? Did anything else occur in his life, does he feel safe enough to talk to you about it?

If he has learn in order to become a brick wall to protect himself against you, he will not feel safe around you and there is nothing you can do to help as he has learn not to trust you. So, please more details on your marriage and your reasoning behind your bad treatment of him. If he cannot get out of it, it may be best to let him go as the damage is already done. Was he in an abusive home as a child or has history of abuse?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Everyone gets to be responsible for their own feels. 

Dont kiss up to him or alter your behavior. If you where unkind...sincerely apologize...once...fix that behavior. Dont attempt to become what you are not to appease someone. That is not sustainable. 

He needs help. You, as his wife, should help him get the help he needs. Baring some serious things you may have or may not have done, IDK...you are not responsible for his depression.

Re-Start therapy


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

It was only a few times I was nasty to him. We like it a little more rough in the bedroom. He slapped me for laughing (before you all freak out, I like it, I ask for it, and its just something we do) anyways I feeling feisty and when he laughed right after he told me not too, I reached up and slapping him back and scoulded him for laughing too. After that he was out of the mood. We got it back finished what we were doing and then after that things changed. 

We were then at my parents house for dinner one evening a few days ago and we were just talking about giga pets from our childhood and I was talking about how my dad waited in line at wal mart to get us one when we were kids, he talked about how he had to babysit a little girl and play with hers. I then said "well its because we had real money." I meant it as a joke but clearly knew the instant I said it, it was awful. I apologized as soon as it slipped out. Everyone was mortified and he seemed crushed. 

A week or two before the slap he said that I dont respect him and that I always cut him off and dont care what he has to say. Which is not true. Im always shoved into a corner with him. My reasoning is never good enough for him and I dont think everything through and other things. So in other words its only been a few weeks. I havent been awful to him for 10 years. I have just slipped lately on behavior because I feel like he thinks Im a child and that I dont pay enough attention when I always do. Maybe its because Im tired of trying to make him happy and please him when it seems like it never happens. 

And yes, his grandmother abused him. He was an only child to single mother who was never really around. His childhood sucked.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

You emasculated him in front of your family. For someone who already has serious trust issues, that had to be especially terrible coming from the one person he felt safe with. Honestly, if my wife did that I would have excused myself from the table and left.

Has he been in therapy for the childhood abuse?


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

He went to therapy for his childhood issues a long time ago. He hasnt been back. We went for our marriage for a few months. He has been on meds but never continues to take them. 

I just want to ask him why he feels unhappy! We've built an amazing life together. 2 kids and an amazing house. Great jobs. He has everything he could ever want. I just dont get it. If Im being stupid or naive then tell me because obviously I cant figure him out. 

He told me the other day, for as long as we have been together its really funny how I dont know him well. I looked at him and told him, that if he would talk to me and open up to me without biting my head off I would know him better.

He treats me like a child sometimes. I dont react very well to it. Im a 30 year old woman not a 5 year old. So I get ****ty with him. I know its not the best way to handle it but how many times do I have to tell him not to speak to me that way just because I did something he doesnt approve. Like loading the dish washer wrong.

Who knows, we both have our issues. We are both stubborn and hard headed. I feel like I give a lot. Do a lot and for him to be unhappy blows my mind. I supported him for most of our relationship and now he is the bread winner. He his truly the man of our house. I just dont know. I dont know what else I can say or do to make him happy and if its not me then what it is?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EmiSue04 said:


> All I ask is for his honesty. Thats it. If he doesnt want me or to be in this anymore I dont expect him too. I just want him to be happy even if its not with me and as much as that would destroy me.


Please use apostrophes in your contractions (that's, doesn't, don't) when you type; this isn't a messaging app and it's hard to read. Thanks. 

My sense is that he feels if he is honest with you, you will fight back. In other words, it's not safe to be honest with you. He has to protect himself from you. 

My other sense is that most men don't want to be married if it's too much work, and if they just can't have fun being married. I'm sensing that being married to you is just too hard, too hard to find any happiness in it. Especially when you go to therapy to learn how to be good to each other, and you then choose NOT to be good to him. He probably figures why bother any more?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EmiSue04 said:


> A week or two before the slap he said that I dont respect him and that I always cut him off and dont care what he has to say. Which is not true. Im always shoved into a corner with him. My reasoning is never good enough for him and I dont think everything through and other things. So in other words its only been a few weeks. I havent been awful to him for 10 years. I have just slipped lately on behavior because I feel like he thinks Im a child and that I dont pay enough attention when I always do. Maybe its because Im tired of trying to make him happy and please him when it seems like it never happens.
> 
> And yes, his grandmother abused him. He was an only child to single mother who was never really around. His childhood sucked.


Why does he feel you cut him off and don't care what he has to say? 
Why do you feel shoved in a corner? 

Can you give us some more information about his childhood? This actually can have a massive effect on later life behaviors.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

EmiSue04 said:


> He went to therapy for his childhood issues a long time ago. He hasnt been back. We went for our marriage for a few months. He has been on meds but never continues to take them.
> 
> I just want to ask him why he feels unhappy! We've built an amazing life together. 2 kids and an amazing house. Great jobs. He has everything he could ever want. I just dont get it. If Im being stupid or naive then tell me because obviously I cant figure him out.
> 
> ...



Well, the only person you can control is yourself an since he also contributes himself as he also verbally attacks, do the mature thing and end the conversation by stating I will not continue until we can talk like adults and work on it by being calm, or with his constant getting at you about how the dish washer is loaded, let him d it if he wants to complain. If the dishes are clean and the end results is suppose to be what is it suppose to be done in a timely manner, he should not complain. I suspect some of his grandmother is showing itself through him.

He may like rough sex, but clearly it triggers something negative and needs to be resolved.

So, when he angers you, learn to defuse or walk away. You cannot work on anything if the other does not want to. Like you cannot tell someone to stop being a drug addict as it is harmful to them unless they want to stop those harmful actions. So, let his problems be his problems and learn to detach as much as you want to work on it. It may lead to divorce but you will not spiral downwards with him. Give him space but detach and live your life and do something that makes you happy. He will either ask or talk to you about his issues on his own terms but if he does not, then his actions have lead to the bond or love fading.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> Why does he feel you cut him off and don't care what he has to say?
> Why do you feel shoved in a corner?
> 
> Can you give us some more information about his childhood? This actually can have a massive effect on later life behaviors.



He feels I cut him off when he yelling at me or scoulding me for something I did. He says I don't care about what he has to say and or how he feels. I feel shoved in a corner because no matter what I do for him or for the family I feel like its never good enough for him. I cant be him and do things as he would. I can only try and I'm sooo tired of being yelled at about trivial things. I'm tired of being yelled at period.

He was beat by his grandmother. He was left alone with who ever would watch him. He claims he has dealt with it but I don't so. I feel like it's leaked into every inch of our marriage and lives. I'm completely lost. I can't stand being a room with the tension and the awkward feeling. I just want to put us back together and I feel like he doesn't want too. No matter how much I try.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EmiSue04 said:


> He feels I cut him off when he yelling at me or scoulding me for something I did. He says I don't care about what he has to say and or how he feels. I feel shoved in a corner because no matter what I do for him or for the family I feel like its never good enough for him. I cant be him and do things as he would. I can only try and I'm sooo tired of being yelled at about trivial things. I'm tired of being yelled at period.
> 
> He was beat by his grandmother. He was left alone with who ever would watch him. He claims he has dealt with it but I don't so. I feel like it's leaked into every inch of our marriage and lives. I'm completely lost. I can't stand being a room with the tension and the awkward feeling. I just want to put us back together and I feel like he doesn't want too. No matter how much I try.


Okay. It sounds like your H may be a little broken. The path to overcoming childhood abuse can take years.

Would you say that he was expected to grow up quick? That he didn't have much of a childhood? That his family placed stress on him with emotional / financial issues? Would you say he was parentified? (read the article before responding)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

1) Therapy isn't a quick fix. You don't just go for a little while, say, "OK, now we have the tools to do this on our own, so we can stop!" Therapy is a solution that requires, at the very least, a medium-term commitment to attending regularly and doing your "homework" outside of class. You guys might want to consider going back.

When are you done with therapy? When you demonstrate a pattern of repetitive, healthy behavior that shows your therapist that you have internalized the lessons you've learned in therapy, and they are now your default, autopilot action/reaction, and that you aren't relapsing into old, toxic behavior. 

2) You need to be consistent in your behavior and treatment of your husband. If you love him, treat him like you love him. All the time. Learn his love languages and DO them. We all need consistency in our lives, especially from those around us. Inconsistent behavior on one partner's part can be very damaging to a relationship.

3) You are not responsible for his happiness. HE is responsible for his happiness. He might not know why he is unhappy. A lot of men aren't connected to their emotions, and they have a hard time connecting the dots... they don't know what is making them UNhappy, which means they don't know what WILL make them happy. Again, therapy is a good idea. But his happiness isn't your responsibility.

My XH wasn't happy, and he didn't know why. He subconsciously blamed me and punished me for it, and it destroyed our marriage (among other things). He left, and he still wasn't happy and he couldn't figure out why. He met someone else, started dating her, and he STILL wasn't happy. He was an inherently unhappy person, and he is looking for something outside of his life to fill it, because he doesn't understand that happiness comes from within.

I'm not saying your husband is like my XH. But he might be. Don't try to fill that space for your husband. He needs to find it for himself.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Addendum:

You can't make your partner happy. But you do have the power to make your partner miserable.

Don't do that.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> Okay. It sounds like your H may be a little broken. The path to overcoming childhood abuse can take years.
> 
> Would you say that he was expected to grow up quick? That he didn't have much of a childhood? That his family placed stress on him with emotional / financial issues? Would you say he was parentified? (read the article before responding)


This is exactly him. He has told me stories of him being 6 and cooking his own dinner because his mother was either at work, school, or getting drunk at the bar. He got pulled over one night on his bicycle at the age of 13 by the police because he was out getting cookies for his drunk mother.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> My sense is that he feels if he is honest with you, you will fight back. In other words, it's not safe to be honest with you. He has to protect himself from you.
> 
> My other sense is that most men don't want to be married if it's too much work, and if they just can't have fun being married. I'm sensing that being married to you is just too hard, too hard to find any happiness in it. Especially when you go to therapy to learn how to be good to each other, and you then choose NOT to be good to him. He probably figures why bother any more?


Holy Sh!t!

This is amazingly right!

You gotta a handle on manhood....above the belt.

May your Intellect be converted to Lust....Take the other fork in the Manscaped Fields.

*Do THIS.......God Save the King of your dreams!*

This insight [of yours] can be extrapolated to intimacy. Or lack of intimacy "from a husband". If it is too much work....why bother? 

Passion rules a man, cold logic? ---->the dragon retreats....the drag-on resumes.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EmiSue04 said:


> We were then at my parents house for dinner one evening a few days ago and we were just talking about giga pets from our childhood and I was talking about how my dad waited in line at wal mart to get us one when we were kids, he talked about how he had to babysit a little girl and play with hers. I then said "well its because we had real money." I meant it as a joke but clearly knew the instant I said it, it was awful. I apologized as soon as it slipped out. Everyone was mortified and he seemed crushed.


My my wife always insinuated that her family had money and that my family and consequently our family have nothing. This really hurts and is one of the many reasons we have such a poor relationship. I suspect by what you said here, the same might be going on and it's effecting your H negatively. Try to explore that more with him.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses. It gave me some questions to ask and some things to think about.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EmiSue04 said:


> This is exactly him. He has told me stories of him being 6 and cooking his own dinner because his mother was either at work, school, or getting drunk at the bar. He got pulled over one night on his bicycle at the age of 13 by the police because he was out getting cookies for his drunk mother.


Okay, so now you might have an idea of why he treats you like a child. He was raised with the understanding that he has to treat the people he loves this way. That they can neither be expected nor trusted to care for themselves... Doesn't make it right. In fact, what he's doing is bad, but it might help you understand it a little better.

People who have been through this often suffer from chronic depression, outbursts of anger, issues with inappropriate feelings of guilt. They also are at risk for a ton of other issues. Here's another resource. 

Your Husband needs therapy. As in years of therapy. Not a few trips. Not a quick duck in and out. He needs serious, life-altering help. You can't fix this, only he can, and he can't fix it without help and support.

The really difficult thing here is going to be getting him to even be willing to address it.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My my wife always insinuated that her family had money and that my family and consequently our family have nothing. This really hurts and is one of the many reasons we have such a poor relationship. I suspect by what you said here, the same might be going on and it's effecting your H negatively. Try to explore that more with him.


Someone like her H is especially likely to feel bad in these situations. He is almost assured to feel guilty about any lack his household had when he was a kid, as though this was his fault. He is guaranteed to take on responsibilities that were never his. The OP obviously didn't know this, she was teasing, and wasn't trying to hurt her H, but intent or not, the deed was done.

If he was parentified in more than an emotional way, but also in terms of finance, he'll really feel terrible and would certainly take that personally. (I know, I've been there)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think he knows perfectly well why he's unhappy but just doesn't want to tell you. I also think it has something to do with another woman.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I think he knows perfectly well why he's unhappy but just doesn't want to tell you. I also think it has something to do with another woman.


This is honestly what I am terrified of. That he has met someone else and thinks he would be better with her. I have asked but he says no. I hope this isn't the case. I would be devastated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He may have just seen a happy couple on the street and it struck him - why can't I have that?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> I think he knows perfectly well why he's unhappy but just doesn't want to tell you. I also think it has something to do with another woman.





EmiSue04 said:


> This is honestly what I am terrified of. That he has met someone else and thinks he would be better with her. I have asked but he says no. I hope this isn't the case. I would be devastated.


It is very possible that he does not consciously know. That he can't label it. 

People who have been parentified often can't describe these things. They were trained as children to put their wants, their desires, their happiness to the side and forget about it. It's quite possible that he has built up internal walls around these feelings to the point that he doesn't know what is ailing him.

Maybe not, too. He could know. Even if he does, he very likely doesn't know how to voice it. 

At least, that's been my experience. It would depend on his circumstances, and how deeply his family preyed upon him as a kid. I'm a more severe case.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EmiSue04 said:


> I have asked but he says no.


Do you really think he'd say yes?? Even the most remorseful cheater ever born denies it initially. Of course he says no. If he said yes, he'd be the first cheater ever to say it when asked by the person they're cheating on.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

For some reason your responses strike me as coming from someone who is abrupt and has a short fuse. Does this make any sense? If so and if he's more contemplative, you may respond quickly to a situation and move on, whereas he might be remembering more details about being disrespected and might be accumulating them. IDK why I have that feeling but see if that's a possibility. If that's the case, he may feel you should know why he feels a certain way.

It's hard to get inside someone else's head. But a guy who feels disrespected is a really big issue... it impacts their whole view of the other person.

Just a possibility 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just sounds honestly, like you're not compatible. Not like a husband and wife should be. You sound more like friends with benefits who should go home after the sex is done. lol Doesn't sound like everyday married life really works for you both, together. That happens. 

And I wouldn't be shocked to learn if he has met someone, online or wherever, and she's a distraction. Not saying that you aren't causing some of the problems, that might be, but I just wouldn't be surprised to learn that another woman is in the background.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It sounds like a whole lot of work, spending your whole life constantly placating this guy and walking on eggs in order to avoid being criticized or treated like a wayward teenager.

It gets *real* tiresome after a while, doesn't it?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> Someone like her H is especially likely to feel bad in these situations. He is almost assured to feel guilty about any lack his household had when he was a kid, as though this was his fault. He is guaranteed to take on responsibilities that were never his. The OP obviously didn't know this, she was teasing, and wasn't trying to hurt her H, but intent or not, the deed was done.
> 
> If he was parentified in more than an emotional way, but also in terms of finance, he'll really feel terrible and would certainly take that personally. (I know, I've been there)


Right on, I've been there before to and I know how much it hurts. This is something you don't joke about or bring up because it will almost always cause tension. Would you start joking around with your parents about your wife's inability to cook or keep the house clean?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

In Terms of his feelings of disrespect....thats on him. Respect is earned, its not granted simply because you exist. If his expectation is one of respect because....reasons...or just cause im your husband....that is unrealistic. 

I still believe that getting back to professional help is in order. There are many things at play here, that will just require help to get sorted. 

Your put downs, snarky and quick combacks, well, those are on you. It almost seems that you are pitching him softballs, that he could easily knock out of the park, but refuses to do so. Have you considered, really thought about, what your expectations of a husband are?


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

We had a very long conversation last night. He wants to enter into an inpatient treatment facility for mental health. I support his choice. Like I told him yesterday evening, I just want him to be happy and will stand by his side no matter what.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EmiSue04 said:


> We had a very long conversation last night. He wants to enter into an inpatient treatment facility for mental health. I support his choice. Like I told him yesterday evening, I just want him to be happy and will stand by his side no matter what.


This may be the best thing he can do for your marriage. I hope they're able to help him. 

How long do you expect him to be in an inpatient facility? What made him decide this was the right path?


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> This may be the best thing he can do for your marriage. I hope they're able to help him.
> 
> How long do you expect him to be in an inpatient facility? What made him decide this was the right path?


We are going to look into it. I have found a few facilities close to us. I am not sure how long they will keep him. We aren't at that point yet. 

I think he has been thinking about it for awhile. That therapy is a good thing but doing it alone away from life will be best for him.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EmiSue04 said:


> We are going to look into it. I have found a few facilities close to us. I am not sure how long they will keep him. We aren't at that point yet.
> 
> I think he has been thinking about it for awhile. That therapy is a good thing but doing it alone away from life will be best for him.


Indeed. He won't be able to try to run from it easily, if he's at a facility. I've never gone through the inpatient experience, and I can't think of anyone I know who has. (well, no one who I'd talk to about it)

You may want to interview some of the places first, and get a feel for how they'll be attempting to treat him, if at all possible. Make sure that you're getting him the help he needs, and that he'll hopefully be opening up to someone about these things.

Emi, keep in mind, that although an inpatient facility can help a lot, it's unlikely they can get your H fixed up by the time he's done there. Like I said earlier, this is probably a multiple years long process. 

Another thing to consider is this: We are discussing altering your H, and trying to make him into a person he's not. He very well may not be the husband you married when this is all done. You should stay hopeful, but I don't want to try to lie to you, and get you to think that everything is going to go back to the way it was a year or 2 or more ago. It may. And it may never.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EmiSue04 said:


> Hi again everyone....
> 
> Its been a minute since I have been on here. I thought things were progressing well. We stopped therapy as it seemed to help and give us some tools to work together.
> 
> ...


Because he doesn't know.

He is suffering from a depressive illness.

I am not being rude to you when I say that, sadly, kind words do not always cure a depressive illness.

If they did the pharmaceutical industry would close down. 

He needs to see a psychiatrist for some expert help.

But keep on being there for him.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

Its been odd since our talk but you can tell he feels somewhat better now that he has been able to get it out. Say it someone. Who knows what the future holds but Ill be there for him. I am just happy that he has acknowledged the fact that he does need help. I am proud of him. Thank you for all the advice everyone. I appreciate it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

EmiSue04 said:


> Hi again everyone....
> 
> Its been a minute since I have been on here. I thought things were progressing well. We stopped therapy as it seemed to help and give us some tools to work together.
> 
> ...


A possible interpretation. 

You two were not getting on well. You both went to therapy and it gave him hope that things would improve. Then you started to go back to treating him badly and that hope went. He thinks that he was right not to trust you.

You are then wondering why he does not share with you and why he feels down.

You improve again, but you wonder why he does not believe it is a permanent change. Brutally, I suspect if he was on here, people would be encouraging him to man up and leave.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> And him wanting to leave and come back? That part sounds like maybe he has a woman in mind he is wanting to try out. Just sayin.


Nah, That's just him wanting to leave, but he's a ***** and can't do it.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

All of you saying he just wants to leave. The more you say it the more I believe it. Here is why.

When we had our talk, he told me the two options he had come up with on how to solve his problem were to put a bullet in his head or too pack his **** and leave but where would he go? What would he have and do there? Then he flips around and says that he doesn't want to leave. That I am his whole world. He has nothing without me and our son. I kept asking if he wanted to leave me. He kept saying no. Then I came back with well it sounds like you are just here and just staying because its easy and you don't have to start over. He said. No. That he loved me and our world that he just needed to get away from it.

He went on to say today that he was trying to get into something to have a hobby. That is why he is getting more into football. He is hoping the game he is going to in a few weeks will help him feel better. That getting out and doing something without me and having fun would be good for him.

The more I type this the more I feel like he hates me. That he is just sticking around for the sake of our son and not being homeless. Who knows. I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do at this point. 

If he doesn't want to stay and will just be hateful and miserable all the time then I wish he would leave. Just go. I am just as tired as he is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't understand men very well. Men, in general, just want to enjoy life and have fun and get by without getting b&tched at. That's what their moms did, that's how they got raised without killing themselves doing something stupid - mom hovering and protecting and judging. 

So when they get married, they're not expecting their wife to turn into the same woman. But we do. It's in our DNA. So when all the negativity and disappointment and comments start piling up, some men just can't handle it. They just wanna have fun!

Do you know most men's top 3 emotional needs? Sex, admiration, and recreation (fun). If you aren't the person meeting those top 3 needs, you aren't the person they're going to want to stay with. Now, that doesn't mean they hate you. They are just as likely to hate themselves, and not understand why things just aren't easier than this. And maybe I should just leave, since it's all going to hell. 

You both have a lot of work to do to become better partners. But if you want your husband to stay, you'd better stop focusing on what HE is doing wrong, and instead focus on what YOU are doing wrong, and work on fixing that.


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

turnera said:


> You both have a lot of work to do to become better partners. But if you want your husband to stay, you'd better stop focusing on what HE is doing wrong, and instead focus on what *YOU are doing wrong*, and work on fixing that.



I couldn't agree with this more. This is absolute truth. I need to be a better person. Simple as that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A good way to start doing that, Emi, is to read His Needs Her Needs. Like asap. This weekend, before things go too far. It will explain all I've been telling you. And it will give you hope. When I finally read it, and it clicked, and I stopped focusing on MY unhappiness and instead focused on fixing HIS unhappiness, my H was so thirsty for 'feel good' from me that he just soaked it up as fast as I could present it. I figured out how I was Love Busting (hurting) him, and I stopped all those bad habits. Then I figured out his top needs and made sure I was meeting them, every single day. Near-instantaneous turnaround on his part.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

EmiSue04 said:


> ... When we had our talk, he told me the two options he had come up with on how to solve his problem were to put a bullet in his head or to pack his **** and leave but *where would he go? What would he have and do there? Then he flips around and says that he doesn't want to leave ... ... .. he loved me* and our world that he *just needed to get away* from it.


Sounds like two inner parts of him battling each other. He feels he needs to get away (where to? for what purpose?), yet he doesn't want to leave. Now, how is that playing out?



EmiSue04 said:


> He went on to say today that he was trying to get into something to have a hobby. That is why he is getting more into football ... That getting out and doing something without me and having fun would be good for him.


Well, 'having fun without you' doesn't sound very flattering to you, but is that what he actually said? Or was it more along the lines 'getting out by myself and getting some exercise and buddy time would be good for him'? 

Some own time, some own hobbies could do him good, I'd have thought.

And - the mental inpatient facility seems to answer, potentially productively, the question "where would he go? What would he have and do there?" (above)



EmiSue04 said:


> ...I feel like he hates me.


Hates you, or hates the situation he feels he's in? .. by which I mean the two-way pull .. the battle of his two inner parts (stay/go) and the resurfacing of the unresolved 'parentified child' energy in him. (link in Kivlor's post #17).



> ... [is] he just sticking around for the sake of our son and not being homeless.


In practical terms, if he left, would he really be 'homeless'? It's quite a telling word .. sounds like 'the energy of the parentified child' is in the air and you're picking it up, perhaps? Kivlor's link talks about the child's terror of abandonment, so the child takes on the parental role so as not to be abandoned, homeless. That energy will still be 'live' in him, he will be prone to see it (project it) into his current situation of having literal parental obligations towards your son (and 'self-created' 'parental' obligations towards you, perhaps?)



> I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do at this point.


I'd say: be prepared to listen to him, as non-judgmentally as possible, and trying not to let your emotional reactions cloud the listening process (easier said than done, I know) . Sounds to me as if he's come up with two ideas that transcend the simple 'stay or go' dilemma, both potentially productive.


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