# My wife is convinced I am cheating on her.



## Dopplar (Mar 20, 2016)

My wife just left the hotel I am staying at and I don't know when I'll see her again. She will probably go stay with a friend next weekend if I drive home and tell her I am coming. She has done that before when our day has ended like today... I work out of town as a scientist on the road. I drive 5 hours home every 1-2 weeks to spend less than 24 hours with her, then drive back to work. Sat night, into Sunday morning. I get Thanksgiving and Christmas off. She comes to visit me once every couple of months, and this morning was the end of one of those times that she drove here where I am at... And, so I am on here trying to figure out what I am doing wrong  We've been married for just over 10 years and her feeling convinced I am cheating on her has been the #1 issue the entire time. I was married once before to a cheating wife. I don't know what I was thinking marrying her. I saw the end to that relationship 2 days into it... My wife now was married twice before and they both cheated on her. Honestly, I'm pretty sure every man she has ever known was a cheater. She has three now grown children from the two fathers. Two sons, and a girl. These are my only children. Our middle son and our daughter both live with us. They both have jobs and pay rent. They're good kids. I have been their stepfather throughout most of their lives. They are the only children I will ever have, yet there has always been a sharp line drawn where when my wife is angry with me. They pick up on it and I am 'banished' from the family until she is happy with our relationship again. This recurring event has alienated me from their love and trust most of their lives, so this whole situation has in effect ruined the relationship I dreamed of having with my children one day when I was a child. I'll never have the kind of buddy like I had with my dad with any of my children because of this. It's... well... exasperating at times... I feel more often than I want to like my life has been a waste... Don't get me wrong. I am a happy person. Joy is a choice. Every day I choose to be happy, and I am. But, you know what I mean.

About 3 years ago we separated for a year after having had a few years of hell, and her and I saw other people. I don't know what she did, and I don't care. I assumed she worked out whatever she needed to and and was able to love me again in her heart. She asked me about that time frame, and I told her because I am not a quitter when it comes to our marriage and she demanded to know in order for us to 'move forward'. I've never asked her about her time away from me and don't plan to. I know where that path goes. It's a waste of time and is filled with only unhappiness about things I don't really need to know. The here and now is what is most precious to me. 

The only people I can talk to about any of this are you people. I don't have friends like probably many of you do. Some topics I cannot be free to talk about, like I can anonymously on here... The only people I talk to in any depth are my coworkers. I am their boss and I don't discuss much of anything with my coworkers except work. Especially the female ones... If I could, I would never remember any of their names. I don't need to know anything about them, because the more I know about them the more my wife suspects I am having some kind of a relationship with them. Two recent coworkers of mine, my wife is convinced that they were acting like they were my ex-girlfriends with their strange behavior and *****iness. Maybe they were disappointed because I am devoted to my wife? I have no idea. I never let either one of them on and both were raging alcoholics. I HAVE been alone with them, but because they needed things from me as their boss, so they had to come to my room for me to scan their receipts for reimbursement, discussing issues privately in regards to work, documents they had to sign, etc. Very innocent and unavoidable things...I also drank a few beers with them at times in the past, but never alone, and once or twice they stumbled on me eating at the hotel and just drunkenly sat down. I didn't stay around long. But that is it... NO hanky panky! I have dreaded every conversation I have had with any female on my crew for 10 years now because there is always some information in the conversation that I will have forgotten to tell my wife about... and it turns into 'You're a liar and I cannot believe anything out of your mouth!' Like I said, I hate knowing about my female coworkers. I hate even having to work with women because of this... These are some of my so-called 'friends' I can talk to. My wife has actual friends since she is at home and has a life, but they don't like me too much. They don't know me. They think I cheat on her too.

In our marriage, she assumes I am cheating and finds 'proof' everywhere. For instance, last night at dinner I said hi in passing to an 80+ yr old woman in the lobby/ bar area. We know each other. She is rich and lives/works out of the hotel I am staying in. Very nice lady...I don't remember her name. I've been working out of this same hotel every week since Aug 7th... After that, one of the waitresses said hi to me as we were being seated and asked if I wanted the '--- Burger again'... because she works nights and has brought me food once a week or so for over 6 months... chances are she knows what I like to eat, right? VERY innocent things, but things my wife feels she ''should have known about if I was a man of integrity and honesty'. I don't understand how I am supposed to know what random information I am supposed to be telling my wife, when I already spend so much effort attempting to make sure she knows everything I am doing. Does that make sense? I am not a liar. I just don't know what she wants to know about that I have done. It seems there is always something I have not told her about that matters to her, though most things I tell her about that I think she would want to know about don't seem to interest her much. She is REAL interested in everything that I possibly haven't told her though, which leaves me constantly stressed out trying to figure out what it is she might want to know next so that I can make sure she knows before that happens. She assumes in every conversation that I have left something out on purpose, and in all honesty there have been various times that I have. She has accused me of being guilty of something when I tell her too much information, is angry with me and accuses me of being a cheater and a liar if I forget to tell her something she already knows, and sometimes (especially under duress) I just forget details from 5-10 years ago while my mind is reeling from the situation... And to make my situation further complicated, in the house laundry over the last couple years we have found several odd pairs of small socks, one pair of size 16 women's underwear, a couple of bras, and one or two cheap earrings. We have had 2 girls living in the home and our son over the last 2 years. My wife has asked each of them if they knew where they came from. None of them know. I don't either. It's not from my things. They now all believe it is probable that I have cheated on their mother, which alienates me from them even more... By GOOD reason, if I was actually the person doing the things everyone believes I have done... I seriously have no idea where these items are coming from. My wife is convinced I am bringing these home from 'skanks', which I'm not. Odd thing, but related, my wife left a pair of underwear at my hotel room about a year ago, and when I came home next week they were not in my laundry I brought with me. They vanished. I don't know where they went, but she believes 'a girl must have taken them with her when she left'. That is so far from the truth... As you can see, my marriage is a bit stressful. I don't know how to fix this. I am exhausted. I feel like Van Gogh, when he loved the woman so much he sliced off his own ear to attempt to prove it and she left anyway. This is where I am at... I am not cheating on my wife. I'm not lying to her, and I cannot seem to do anything to convince her otherwise. I know she loves me. She adores me. I adore her. She is my sunlight. She tries to love me in spite of the fact she is convinced I am cheating on her. It's obvious to me that is what is going on when I look at her. It breaks my heart. I don't know what to do... I've tried everything I know to do.

Any suggestions?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Why don't you start with this.

Send a email to your wife with this link - Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Ask her to call you when she has read it.

When she calls, tell her simply, I am not your cheating pos ex-husbands. I am married & committed to you.
Being constantly accused of cheating is like dying a death of a thousand cuts. Every time you make an accusation, it bleeds me a little more. Sooner or later I will be dry, and our marriage will be dead.

Take the conversation from there.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Why don't you start with this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow this is what I have dealt with in my marriage. Never seen it more clearly expressed than in that article.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well, for starters statistically scientists and engineers are less likely to cheat than the general population.

I have traveled a lot for work and never had a female coworker in my room. Conduct work in the lobby, not in your room. Not that this is the problem.

"I am their boss and I don't discuss much of anything with my coworkers except work. Especially the female ones... If I could, I would never remember any of their names. I don't need to know anything about them, because the more I know about them the more my wife suspects I am having some kind of a relationship with them." It is a problem if your worriness about your wife's perception of your non-existent cheating keeps you from learning female coworkers names. You are their boss and you need to treat the women same as the men. 

Your wife is insanely jealous and insecure. Was it this insecurity and other things that lead others to cheat on her? If everyone in her life cheated on her, then she either is very poor at picking partners or she is part of the problem. 

What lead to the "few years of hell"? And why did you get back together if she does not trust you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How can you have a marriage when you spend so little time together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dopplar (Mar 20, 2016)

---- I have traveled a lot for work and never had a female coworker in my room. Conduct work in the lobby, not in your room. Not that this is the problem. - There are things that just cannot be discussed in the lobby, such as client information and employer information, or I would. We have to pay attention to what is discussed and where.

---- "I am their boss and I don't discuss much of anything with my coworkers except work. Especially the female ones... If I could, I would never remember any of their names. I don't need to know anything about them, because the more I know about them the more my wife suspects I am having some kind of a relationship with them." It is a problem if your worriness about your wife's perception of your non-existent cheating keeps you from learning female coworkers names. You are their boss and you need to treat the women same as the men. - I agree. I have known this.

---- Your wife is insanely jealous and insecure. Was it this insecurity and other things that lead others to cheat on her? If everyone in her life cheated on her, then she either is very poor at picking partners or she is part of the problem. - Her and I both know this and have discussed it. It is a symptom of other things, but knowing that it is true doesn't fix the problem. She knows she is with me and I am not them.

---- What lead to the "few years of hell"? And why did you get back together if she does not trust you? - What led to our years of hell was the fact I turned into some kind a jerk for a few years right after we married for some reason (I just couldn't shake it off and be nice. It was probably my stress over money), we grew more hostile towards one another because neither one of us were living up to each other's expectations, and because of that she gave up on us... We've been working with each other since then though. As friends, and earnestly. Both of us know that her past is a part of this situation. So is mine though. I'm not making it any better. God is absolutely the only reason we have made it this far.


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## Dopplar (Mar 20, 2016)

Yeah, I know... It's hard. I went to school for what I do, so it's what I have to do for now to keep food in the fridge and the bills paid. The kids are almost out of the house and I have been working on an exit strategy for my job so that I can be at home from now on and we won't lose our home.


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## Aloneinthis (Mar 4, 2016)

Is your wife at all interested in your job/career? Do you guys have fun when she's visiting? I personally think you should try to sweep her off her feet again...just a suggestion. I hope it helps.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The repercussions of somebody having an affair are often this far-reaching, and it sucks.

I've said here before, but my wife was in an LTR before me, with a guy who's ex wife cheated on him. She learned fairly early on that his eyes were constantly open to this sort of thing. Eventually, he started making accusations, playing 20 questions, all of that. It spelled the end of their relationship. Good guy, meant well, but he let his past relationship run his current one - and that's never a good thing.

I admit, it took me some time to steer myself away from this same sort of behaviour. I, too, came from a cheating wife. so I was over-vigilant and admittedly nosy early on.

You know what though? Everybody has baggage from previous relationships. I know my wife had an especially bad one in her late teens, early 20's, and it unfortunately dictated how she acted in any future relationships. It caused her to build walls, which she is still in the process of removing now, 20+ years later, with me. She readily admits it.

Luckily, this has allowed her to see things from my perspective as well, and that she's not the only one with baggage.

In essence, her previous relationships have skewed her future ones, and made their way to ours. The same is true for me. It is what it is.

It sucks, because I blindly trusted my ex wife - and I liked that. I literally never spent a second thinking about things like that, or being jealous in any way, ever. It's how a relationship/marriage should be. But when it happens to you, and you're the victim of infidelity, you can't ever go back to that kind of trust again, ever, with anybody, no matter how trustworthy they are. My ex wife was the last person I'd ever think would do something like that, honestly. And she's now robbed me of the ability to trust anybody 100% again, including the woman I love.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dopplar,

I think separating and seeing other people has created even more issues in your marriage, and you fell into a trap she set for you. 

The fact that you write that you don't care what she did during the separation makes me think you don't value her as much as a man should value his W.

Although she was cheated on before and seems to hate cheating, I think the experience of being cheated on has also created a certain fascination with cheating itself and it is likely she has cheated on you.

Tamat


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Dopplar said:


> This is where I am at... I am not cheating on my wife. I'm not lying to her, and I cannot seem to do anything to convince her otherwise. I know she loves me. She adores me. I adore her. She is my sunlight. She tries to love me in spite of the fact she is convinced I am cheating on her. It's obvious to me that is what is going on when I look at her. It breaks my heart. I don't know what to do... I've tried everything I know to do.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Tell your wife that if she EVER accuses you of cheating on her again you will drive down to the court house and file the divorce papers yourself and MEAN IT.

You've got to man up dude. She treats you like crap because you let her. You're her doormat and she obviously shows you no respect. Would you let ANYONE else treat you like this?!?

This is a form of emotional abuse and she has no right to inflict her insecurities onto you without any proof of wrong doing. In a nut shell, it's her sh!t sandwich to eat not yours.

Consider you maybe better off without her. Especially after the way she destroyed your relationship with your step children. That alone seems unforgivable to me....


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The work situations I read on this board amazes me. How can people keep a healthy relationship working hundreds of miles from the house and only seeing their spouse one a day a week or so. Crazy!

I think it's pretty simple.

1. Move the family to your job location. Or find a new job near the family home.
2. Is the marriage great? Awesome sex? If so, probably worth fighting for. If it sucks and you are just in it for the conveniance/religion, then do the right thing and divorce. Ask yourself if you are truly happy and will have no regrets 10 years from now.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps her accusations are projections. If she is cheating, she may assume you are, too, and is hoping to divert your attention away from her behavior. After all, she has opportunity to cheat while you are away, and any motivation she ascribes to you to do so can also be a motivation for her. It may be wise to check on her while figuring out how to handle her accusations.


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps her accusations are projections. If she is cheating, she may assume you are, too, and is hoping to divert your attention away from her behavior. After all, she has opportunity to cheat while you are away, and any motivation she ascribes to you to do so can also be a motivation for her. It may be wise to check on her while figuring out how to handle her accusations.


This is what happened with me in a past relationship. I was constantly accused of cheating, turns out she was the one up to np good. A close friend of mine also deal with the same thing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rent a small effiency and have your wife stay with you or at least make the offer. The company should reimburse you for the hotel bill I'd think.

If here kids banished me when their mom was mad at you for whatever reason I'd give them a mouthful and redo my will.

That my friend is total bullsh!t!!!!!!! Also since they are grown tell them to pack their damn sh!t and find their own place to live.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read It and apply

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=0elRZ21Rd2Xuq0KXVy81t8Cjtpw-


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps her accusations are projections. If she is cheating, she may assume you are, too, and is hoping to divert your attention away from her behavior. After all, she has opportunity to cheat while you are away, and any motivation she ascribes to you to do so can also be a motivation for her. It may be wise to check on her while figuring out how to handle her accusations.


Indeed. From when I was a young man, I eventually learnt to be very wary of women's paranoia about cheating, or suggestion that previous boyfriends are to blame. I will write about my experience, and I have only been out with women rather than men. Please, excuse this therefore talks about bad signs from ex-girlfriends only - the sexism is a function of that I am sure many men may act the same.

Often, if someone finds it important that they identify as being the good one, they will not consider their behaviour to be cheating. Therefore, the reason they are in that situation is that their lovers are putting them in that situation. And if they are doing it (and they are the goodie who does not cheat), what right does their boyfriend have to believe he is not cheating just because he is not having sex behind her back! He is clearly even worse and she knows it. After all, her behaviour would otherwise be unjustified.

Accusations of cheating are, for me, the main indicator a woman is cheating. Bear in mind, that if she goes to the next boyfriend, he will likely hear about how you slept around while you were away.

Hopefully, this is completely wrong, but be aware.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Read It and apply
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=0elRZ21Rd2Xuq0KXVy81t8Cjtpw-


How should he apply "403 - forbidden"?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Mr The Other said:


> Accusations of cheating are, for me, the main indicator a woman is cheating. Bear in mind, that if she goes to the next boyfriend, he will likely hear about how you slept around while you were away.
> 
> Hopefully, this is completely wrong, but be aware.


I think it can certainly be a red flag, in a sea of red flags, but I don't think it's a main indicator, as you put it.

Some people are genuinely, and unfortunately, untrusting people. Maybe there's a history of parental infidelity, or past partners have cheated, thus leading to an over-vigilance and severe lack of trust.

Some people also just like drama.

I agree in that it COULD be due to misdirection (conscious or subconscious), just as there appears to be somewhat of a correlation between increased sex with one's partner whilst there's infidelity going on (misdirection, "If I stop sleeping with him/her, he/she will think something's up", etc.) But the opposite can often be true, as well (ie. less sex, saving one's self for their AP).

But to say it's a main indicator is only setting yourself up.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

alexm said:


> I think it can certainly be a red flag, in a sea of red flags, but I don't think it's a main indicator, as you put it.
> 
> Some people are genuinely, and unfortunately, untrusting people. Maybe there's a history of parental infidelity, or past partners have cheated, thus leading to an over-vigilance and severe lack of trust.
> 
> ...


True, it relationships there are only indicators. There is no A means B, despite what some posters will assert.

I genuinely believe that many cheating women (and it could be the same with men, again - this is just a man's experience as opposed to a woman's), genuinely do not believe what they are doing really counts as cheating. They do not feel like a baddie.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> The work situations I read on this board amazes me. How can people keep a healthy relationship working hundreds of miles from the house and only seeing their spouse one a day a week or so. Crazy!



^^^^ THIS. I AGREE!! :scratchhead:


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Dopplar said:


> Yeah, I know... It's hard. I went to school for what I do, so it's what I have to do for now to keep food in the fridge and the bills paid. The kids are almost out of the house and I have been working on an exit strategy for my job so that I can be at home from now on and we won't lose our home.


You are spending way too much time apart for most women to feel loved/connected. You're a scientist so I'm guessing you're an introvert and pretty analytical and probably lost in your work. But it sounds like she is very lonely and neglected in this marriage.

I have traveled for work a lot and I never miss my H when I'm gone 'cause I'm busy and occupied. But the few times I've been home and he left I really noticed and felt lonely/abandoned.

Do you send her little text messages or call her to chat throughout the day? If not, I would. Set reminders on your phone if you need to. When you call her, set work aside and focus only on her for that time. She needs to know you're thinking about her.

Beyond that, I would sit her down and as calmly as possible explain that you do love her very much but her behavior is destroying that love and making you miserable. Tell her she is welcome to come "surprise" you at your hotel/work any time, day or night. You'd be delighted with a surprise visit that would help her feel more secure and be at treat for you, but you can't live with the suspicion and accusations.

You might also ask her if she wants you to quit now even though it would mean losing your home? She may feel you put your job ahead of her but when faced with losing her home may be more willing to suck it up for a few more months.


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