# Desperately wanting to reconcile



## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Hi all, I'm new here but felt like I needed to talk about this.

My loving caring wife of 20 years and whom I've had 3 wonderful children with has turned our worlds upside down.

I now know from reading "Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis" that she has been going through a MLC for sometime, but I was clueless.

About 4 days ago she gave me the "I need some space" speech. Saying she felt empty inside and needed to find herself. She's 39 and our kids are all teenagers, 1 in college, 1 starting college next fall and a 13 year old daughter that has become a lot more independent lately. Long story short, after I did some searching to find out what was going on with my wife, she is a textbook case of a women having a MLC.

I felt better knowing this and read the ebook in a few hours and many other helpful resourses. I was ready to brace for impact and take this on in support of my wife. Well the very first night I gave her some "space" she was supposedly going out with a girlfriend. She had been doing some things that were suspicious to me so I immediately began looking for evidence of something she was hiding and trying to convince myself I wasn't crazy.

I stumbled upon 100% proof that she was having an affair and was literally with him in a motel room that night. Upon her returning home it took about 3 hours of interrogation and throwing out evidence little by little that I already knew to be true. It was an amazing but painful onslaught of her trying to cover her tracks and lie about each thing leading up to the entire truth.

It finally came out she had been with her ex boyfriend from high school at least twice now. He is recently divorced and, thanks to facebook they began chatting and connected once again like old times and that quickly led to being with him. I know it made her feel good and young again, I get that. Hell, she even went shopping for herself that night after they had sex.

To my surprise I am not mad at either of them. I know I pushed her to searching for something different. I have been staying at a friends for the weekend and doing some soul searching and basically feeling the effects of this.

I came home early this morning and wanted to have another talk with her. I wanted to give her some space and my plan was to let her know I was okay with her leaving (if that's what she wanted) and "finding herself" and that I would be there if she needed me. But that she couldn't stay here and keep going behind my back. Well it turns out she actually did some Internet searching as well just yesterday and read about women having MLC. She agreed it fit her to a tee. She said she realized she was being irrational and that she wanted to stay home and wanted me to stay.

She talked to her ex about it and says it's over. I believe he was mad at her for letting me find out. We know each other from school and had issues before with one another over my wife back when we were just dating. Bottom line is, he is scared to death of me and always has been. So whether she broke it off or he did I don't know. She did tell me he said he didn't want to commit to anything being just recently divorced and she wasn't willing to take that step either. My assumption is, she opened herself to him. She was vulnerable and he pushed the right buttons. She felt connected emotionally and felt needed but he was just in it for the sex. Regardless, I'm happy she wants to stay and work on us.

Now I'm at the reconcile stage. I know she is basically mourning the loss of him or just the fantasy and feeling it gave her. She is extremely sorry and shameful for what she did but now she is just melancholy and gloomy, which I know is normal. She knows the trust is broke and that I'm sickened by the thought of them together.

I'm going to support her and do what I can but at the same time I am also going to be happy, self confident, and live my own life. I'll help around the house more because I want to. It's strange to say, but I feel like a new man and I feel like our relationship will be 1000 times better than it was. Is there any truth in this?

This is still very fresh and I'm still having images and thoughts pop into my head about what they did. A text I read off her phone to him afterwards about their meeting is burned into my brain and won't go away. Without quoting it, she basically texted him afterwards and said she thoroughly enjoyed the sex. I makes me F'ing sick but I know I wasn't there for her. I'm actually looking forward to rebuilding things but I also know we first need to work on our individual selves before working on the marriage, if that makes sense.

She knows I need to know where she is now all the time now due to the broken trust. I'll have to check her messages from time to time and watch her on that damn FB. I'm struggling a little bit with this part of it. I don't want to smother her and be some controlling tyrant, that will only push her away, but I have to be sure the affair is over. I hope it works out for her and us.

I'm sorry this is so long but I had to dump it somewhere. Any advice at all is appreciated. I thank you all for listening and thanks for the wealth of info on this forum.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So you're already jumping right away into R and are afraid of being perceived as some controlling tyrant because you're afraid of pushing her away? Seriously? Then you haven't done nearly enough reading. You also need to read thru the stories here. You say you will be ok if she's not in your life, yet are afraid of pushing her away, this is a contradiction. You need to get this thru your head:

Reconciliation is a precious, precious gift only after the the WS has done the heavy lifting and earned it through being truly remorseful and transparent. What you are doing is looking for advice on how to sweep this under the rug. Nothing EVER good comes from sweeping it under the rug. 

DDay was only 4 days ago and you are falling into the trap that many newly betrayed do: falling into desperation to save the marriage. Look at the links for TWI newbies. 

Your WW isn't remorseful, she's just guilty at being caught. You think she's only been with hime twice? She's minimizing, only admitting to what she thinks you know. Its called Trickle Truth. This is most likely just the tip of the iceberg and you won't know the full story. Very few BSs get full disclosure on DDay.

Don't think you can just rug sweep this and get over the triggers and the mind movies right away. Yes, the thought of her riding him, giving him BJs, or anal, or whatever else she denied you, she gave to him. 

But if you're afraid of being controlling, then you've already lost the battle. It's never controlling to protect your marriage. Hell, you basically gave her permission to go bang the OM because you're so afraid of being controllling. You've basically been cuckolded. You probably don't even want to let her send the NC letter or monitor her to ensure that NC has taken affect or ensure there is no fishing between the two of them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> I'm going to support her and do what I can but at the same time I am also going to be happy, self confident, and live my own life. I'll help around the house more because I want to. *It's strange to say, but I feel like a new man and I feel like our relationship will be 1000 times better than it was*. Is there any truth in this?


R is difficult even under the best of circumstances and yet you feel like a new man just 4 days after DDay? Either you're not telling the truth or you're so deep in the BS Smog of denial and desperation. FYI it takes 2-5 years to recover from the betrayal of infidelity.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your post is amazing. Your wife has been screwing some old boyfriend behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's and there seems to be no consequences to her actions. You both need to be tested for STD's now.

Why don't you take her on vacation as a gift? She betrays you and screws another guy behind your back a couple of times and claims its a mid life crisis. How sweet. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been? You both act like it is no big deal. 

Your wife now knows that she has a husband that she may screw around on and not fear any consequences for her actions. Why should she respect a spouse who seems so accepting of her screwing around. I agree with lordmayhem that she is clearly not remorseful and and is only sad that she got caught. If you had not caught her she would still be screwing this guy behind your back. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Apparently she can do anything she wants and just claim it is a mid life crisis.....Oh please. Her behavior has been so disrespectful to you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Another emasculated Nice Guy. Here we go again....

Wasclueless, you are in denial and need to break out of your fog. Your wife has most likely been having an extended affair with this clown. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Do the 180 and get your emotions under control because you are in for one hell of a ride. You really have no clue how bad this is going to be. She only told you she ended it. Cheaters don't just end their affairs: they take them underground.

If you are to stand a chance at saving your marriage, she is to tell you everything. Have her send a no contact letter to the other man (OM) and watch as she e-mails it to him. If the man has a wife, tell her about the affair. 

Your wife is to give you 100% transparency. You must have unlimited access to her E-mails, cell phone, text messages, everything. No privacy for 2 years at least, until she has proven her fidelity. 

Here is the link to the 180. 


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Hi and welcome to the place nobody whantt to be in…

Im not trying to rub it in.But a cant begin to tell you 
How your wife is been and keep fooling you in to belive her.

A few exampels

*He is recently divorced*.. _Have you ever wonder why 
He is recently devorced?? Please talk to his wife
I think you would be suprised.._

*Well it turns out she actually did some Internet searching as well just yesterday and read about women having MLC*

_Seriously ??? Please dont belive that. I mean why not
Doing that before the affair ? She says she is irrationell,
Having a affair with an ex boyfriend is kinda irrationell
I give her that.._

_Why not serch for how to survive a affair?
Serching for MLC when she was cought dosent 
Really sound like something someone would
Do in a irrationall state ,dosit?_

*She talked to her ex about it and says it's over*
And how do you Know that?? Rember.
She has just show _not_ be not very trust worthy.

*She did tell me he said he didn't want to commit to anything being just recently divorced.*

_So if he wanted to commit.She would have left
You then?
_
_she wasn't willing to take that step either._
_And you should then settle for second best then??
Dident she say this affair was a MLC?
So what diffrence does it make,with the comment
Of commiting?



It was an amazing but painful onslaught of her trying to cover her tracks and lie about each thing leading up to the entire truth.



She takes a whole lot of concius descision for a person
In a MLC and completly irrationell.Weired
Butt thats just me..

Im sorry man but you have seriusly not got the whole truth..It wery commen after the affair comes to light

That like you only get a water down version, at first


Remember this?


*It was an amazing but painful onslaught of her trying to cover her tracks and lie about each thing leading up to the entire truth.*


And finally

*I know I pushed her to searching for something different.*
Please dont let her belive that you did.. You dident push her to this

This is 100% her fult_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

spudster said:


> Another emasculated Nice Guy. Here we go again....
> 
> Wasclueless, you are in denial and need to break out of your fog. Your wife has most likely been having an extended affair with this clown. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> ...


I like your straight shooting style

Have considered a carrier in motivational speaking?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> I wanted to give her some space and my plan was to let her know I was okay with her leaving (if that's what she wanted) and "finding herself" *and that I would be there if she needed me*.


"Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis" by Christine Schaap is a good book because it follows the principles of the *The 180 degree rules* and *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* to some extent.

*But you cheapen your value as a husband* by telling her essentially she got a free pass for having an affair. Instead, you should be conveying her the following:



> *"Look wife, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."*





> I know I pushed her to searching for something different.


First of, *nobody* pushes another adult into making the choice to have an affair. If you read the ebook then you'll realize that Ms Schaap places the choice to have an affair squarely on the shoulders of the woman going through MLC.

The truth is your wife had an obligation to come forth and tell you what she was feeling and to request that you, her husband, help her. But instead she chose the easy and cowardly way of fixing her MLC issues - having an affair.

Read *Not Just Friends* by the late Dr Shirley Glass PhD. She studied thousands of couples and found that even happily married spouses were not immune to having an affair IF they violated marital boundaries. You could have been the perfect husband and she still would have had an affair. *The affair was all about her.*.

You must convey to your wife that any violation of NC (no contact) will be a deal breaker and will result in the immediate filing for divorce from your part.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need to check phone records, old texts etc. You may be able to get deleted texts from her mobile.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html

Check this thread out. Its what can happen if you don't do your homework.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am very sorry to see that u are here with the situation u are in. But ur story hits so close to home for me that I must chime in. Here is my story: I had an affair as I was convinced I had the worst marriage on earth, the right words at the right time & found myself infatuated w another man. He dumped me. So I ran back to my husband & he was so happy to make our family whole that we booked a wk long vacation to Mexico & turned the lovey dovey back on, no consequences of my infedelity as I told him I was done w the OM. Within a month the OM was contacting me & so began the beginning of round 2 of my affair. Of course my husband was none the wiser & why wud I stop talking to the OM cuz he believed me that "I was done with the other man". The lies get easier & easier the longer my husband & I pretended it never happened. Then the OM wife caught him & contacted my H. Reality came crashing down. My husband was totally best down by the fact I cud not stop talking to the OM. I realized what I was losing & knew I did love my H so much more than I had realized. I ended it w the OM & now almost 3 months into R, everyday is a steep hill to climb for me trying to heal the hurt I did to my H & family. 
I guess what I'm getting at is we totally rug swept the 1st time & I believe it was the reason I started over w the OM. The 1st time I really had no gavel dropped to signify the end of the A so the 2nd time there was no doubt in both H & I that we had to send a NC letter. It was the closure that we all needed so we cud begin true R. I strongly suggest u guys do a NC letter & if ur wife is honestly remorseful she will not hesitate sending it. But u must apply consequence or she will not be done with "finding herself...w another man."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you on anti-depressants?


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Wow you guys are tough. I feel like an idiot and no I am not on anti-depressants. 

Is there a legal form of a NC letter?

Well I guess I have more digging to do? The ex boyfriend is also a police officer, does that change anything?

I want to pry at her for more info, not so much the sexual positions they practiced, thanks for that lordmayhem, but rather the full story and not just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I'll do some investingating myself first.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> Is there a legal form of a NC letter?


It's not a legal document, only a letter stating that all contact with the AP (affair partner) will cease and to have the AP desist from any further contact with the DS (WS) forever.

Jellybeans has a hotlink to a sample NC letter. You might want to PM her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Was clueless,

We are not tough just experienced from both sides of the table. And we do not want to see you hurt anymore than you have been if it can be avoided.

And sadly, the cheaters do follow pretty much the same script for most situations. You will find out more than you want to know. It is inevitable. Your wife will do it again 
If there are no consequences. It is the way infidelity works if you have wayward spouse that is not remorseful and you caught in the act. It is very different when a wayward spouse comes clean first. Very rare!

Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Decide what your conditions for reconciliation are and set them in stone so your wayward wife is very clear of your boundaries and what the consequences are if she breaks them.

Get your wife a good counselor so she can learn why she did what she did. If you let her rugsweep the affair it will most likely happen again.

You deserve better!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

It didn't take me much to Google about the NC letter to see it doesn't really have any legal stand unless it comes from a court of law and is signed by a judge. Just to have a letter stating he is to not contact her or visa versa and she signs it and it's notarized doesn't mean anything. If they really wanted to get back together they could and nothing would happen.

What I'm saying is, if she wants to continue the affair behind my back, she will investigate the NC letter herself and see that it really has no meaning. He is a cop for God's sake he will know it doesn't stand for jack. Sure we'll sign it just so you feel better.

Are you saying to go in front of a judge and have it done that way? I'm just trying to understand, I want to do the NC letter but from what I already investigated it isn't more than a piece of paper.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you have proof that the OM is a cop having an affair with your wife, then you can take that proof to where he works and report him to internal affairs.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

morituri said:


> If you have proof that the OM is a cop having an affair with your wife, then you can take that proof to where he works and report him to internal affairs.


So even though he didn't actually break any laws because he is legally divorced, he could still get into trouble?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The NC isn't just a piece of paper, its a clearly written boundary that your WW must never cross which would result in severe consequences if she breaks NC - Immediate Divorce. The NC is your line in the sand. Once you've around, you'll find out that one of the affair partners will "fish" for renewed contact. This fishing can be as simple as "are you ok", "missed you", etc, etc. She needs to know that if she tries to fish or if OM tries to fish and she doesn't tell you, then thats also breaking NC because it was a lie of omission. So even though the NC letter doesnt stand for much legally, it is more for your WW. With the OM being an ex boyfriend, and them having a prior intimate history, one of them will fish.

As for OM being a cop, even though he is legally divorced, he can suffer severe consequences. Cops are held to a much tougher ethical and moral standard because their wear the uniform, wear the badge and enforce the law. They shouldnt do anything that brings disgrace upon themselves, the uniform, and the department. Conducting an affair with a citizen definitely qualifies as moral misconduct. Couple this with a formal complaint and to Internal Affairs, they will issue him stern warnings to stay away from you WW. If he violares that, then he'll suffer more consequences. You go directly to his Internal Affairs and file a formal complaint against him for moral misconduct and for him to stay away from your WW and not to contact her in any way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

The wife and I talked some more. You guys were right, she did give me some more of the full story but probably not all of it. I still desperately need to learn more about the NC letter and if it has any legal stance. Here is the deal and it's not good. This guy was her first love 20 years ago. I didnt work between them because they both fooled around. My wife fooled around with me and I got her pregnate so we married. The guy fooled around with another girl and she got pregnate so they married. Fast forward 18 years, the guys wife cheats on him they divorce. 2 years later (present time) this guy friends my wife on FB which was just 3 months ago. She had ne'er tried to contact him before but she accepted his friendship request which is where she first went outside the boundaries of our marriage. He confided in her about his devastation over his wife cheating and so on. My wife says she would never heat on me because she was happy, and at the times he really was happy(at least that is what she told me). So they chat her and there over FB, my wife even tried to hook him up with someone. Then about a month later my wife decides she isn't happy in our marriage. I was gone a lot and ignoring her and so forth. Do she decides to meet with the guy. They meet in a parking lot and only talked, she claims. Then another month goes by and she wants to meet him again in parking lot but this time the messed around but no sex. He didn't want to go further saying he couldn't do that to another guys wife because he knew how it felt. My wife kept pursuing it and the guy cracked 2 weeks later, which was just 2 weeks ago and they meet at hotel and had sex. Then they did the samething again just 2 days go nd that his when I found the evidence and confronted wife. 

Now the really bad news is she still has feelings for him. She admitted to me that she cares about him but still wants to patch things up with our family. But here is my problem with this, She told him that I found out he got scared and said he wasn't going to commit to anything so it was over. My wife at the same time would never leave the house with 2 of our kids still living here so she said (in my opinion, yeah this isn't going to work. So what other option did she really have but to tell me she wants to work it out? But yet she admits to me she still has feelings for him. And it wasn't right away that she told me lets work it out. For a day or so she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. It wasn't until she spoke with him first that she decided to work it out with us. I feel like they are either going to just lay low for awhile and be more careful next time or once our last child flies he coop in a few years, she's just hoping he still be available and leave me. 

She says none of that is true and that she wants to stay here but yes she still has feelings for him and can't help it. I don't know how to stop this or if there is ANY hope for us at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The NC isn't just a piece of paper, its a clearly written boundary that your WW must never cross which would result in severe consequences if she breaks NC - Immediate Divorce. The NC is your line in the sand. Once you've around, you'll find out that one of the affair partners will "fish" for renewed contact. This fishing can be as simple as "are you ok", "missed you", etc, etc. She needs to know that if she tries to fish or if OM tries to fish and she doesn't tell you, then thats also breaking NC because it was a lie of omission. So even though the NC letter doesnt stand for much legally, it is more for your WW. With the OM being an ex boyfriend, and them having a prior intimate history, one of them will fish.
> 
> As for OM being a cop, even though he is legally divorced, he can suffer severe consequences. Cops are held to a much tougher ethical and moral standard because their wear the uniform, wear the badge and enforce the law. They shouldnt do anything that brings disgrace upon themselves, the uniform, and the department. Conducting an affair with a citizen definitely qualifies as moral misconduct. Couple this with a formal complaint and to Internal Affairs, they will issue him stern warnings to stay away from you WW. If he violares that, then he'll suffer more consequences. You go directly to his Internal Affairs and file a formal complaint against him for moral misconduct and for him to stay away from your WW and not to contact her in any way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Okay that helps a lot. The letter makes sense, I thought it was a legal thing. I'm going to hit her with that and I'll hit him with the complaint and hopefully there will be no more contact. In the meantime I will work on me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This isnt going to end well. This is the "the old flames reconnecting thru facebook" type of affair. They were intimate before and had sex again thru the affair. And now she's had a taste of him again. Don't believe a thing about what shes saying. She WILL take the affair underground and continuue to cake eat as long as you let her. If she suspects that her phone is compromised then she may get a secret phone. She needs to agree to be fully transparent by handing over and and all passwords to all accounts willingly. You must also install computer monitoring software and get a VAR and put it under the seat of her car. You are not controlling by doing this, you are protecting your marriage. The only people who accuse their spouse of being controlling are those who are in an affair or want to have an affair.

Also, you are being Trickle Truthed. We always read here about the WS meeting up with the OM/OW in a car or hotel and they just "talked". Who the hell does that except for teenagers. At least she admitted to banging him in a hotel and being the aggressor. 

You need to lawyer up and file for divorce. If she becomes truly remorseful and wants to earn back your trust, then you can put the divorce on hold or cancel it. This shows that you are truly serious about what happened. Remember, no consequences equals no motivation to change.

But I think she's just waiting so she can be with her true love. To her, you're just the provider. You should aslo get yourself checked for STDs. Affair sex is almost always unprotected sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Filing for divorce may seem like a drastic action but it is usually one of the best ways to knock a cheating spouse off the fence and to make him/her come out of the fog. 

It shows the cheating spouse that the betrayed spouse is not afraid of ending the marriage and moving on with his/her life. In other words, *it shows confidence* that everything will come out fine if the divorce becomes finalized. 

Plus it activates a ticking time bomb that will explode unless the cheating spouse moves heaven and earth to prove to his/her betrayed spouse that he/she is worthy of another chance.

This IS one of the strongest consequences that your cheating wife will have to pay for her cowardly betrayal.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She says none of that is true and that she wants to stay here but yes she still has feelings for him and can't help it.


Yeah, but you can help her. Dump her. Or you can stay in a zombie marriage, torturing yourself for the rest of your life(or until the kids grow up) if you are the second choice(which you are), paranoid if she took the affair underground. I would suggest separate and expose her to her friends and family. Lets you see how committed to the marriage she is.(Obviously she is not, pursuing a FBH into cheating)

Brace yourself for more of soul mate and cliched love crap in the next few weeks


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

We understand that it is hard to comprehend what has happened, we understand that this is almost impossible to reconcile with your self. This is normal.

You are doing what many of us have done and tried to sweep this under the carpet. It is exactly the wrong way about it.

Much of the advice you will receive here is counter-intuitive and seem bad and wrong, but the feelings you are about to feel will prove it absolutely right. 

You need to think about what the woman you have loved and supported through all those years has done. No excuses, no MLC. No temporary insanity.

With careful planning with this guy to avoid detection by you, she has organised to meet this man in a motel room on more than two occasions. Chosen to have sex with him. Chosen to lick his balls and chosen to give her self totally to him. She then sent him a text afterwards and thanked him for fcking her. 

Sorry to be blunt.

She would have continued this if you had not discovered this.

She is now feeling guilty about it but is telling you that she still wants to fck him.

What is it you think is good about this?


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Honestly? I don't think any of this is good. I know you guys aren't BSing me but I just don't want to accept it. I just thought there could be some hope with the NC letter and me filing a complaint to internal affairs against him. He is just as scared as she is, he told her that. He has kids and doesn't want something bad to happen (be exposed, lose job, etc.)

But in the same sense, even if I could keep them apart. Bottom line is she still has feelings for him and that will ALWAYS bother me now. 

I also would not be looking forward to being obsessed with catching them again. It would consume me and I wouldn't get anything else done, I'd constantly be thinking about it and checking over her shoulder.

I actually have a feeling of wanting to talk with him. I'm not mad at him for this and I wouldn't do anything stupid. I know him also from school, he isn't like some stranger. Maybe he could give me some more insight to how he, she, or they are feeling. I feel he owes me that. He might not even meet with me out of fear. If he would, do you think any good would come of that?

Regardless, I think I will talk to a lawyer and at least file to get the ball rolling.

I so appreciate the support you guys have given me. This is truly the worst thing for someone to go through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

One other question. Once I file, she'll get served and then obviously one of us will have to leave the house. What is your advice for this?

I don't want to leave because I didn't do anything wrong. I also run a business from my home. On the other hand she will not leave her kids for anything and I would literally have to throw her out. Do I even have the right to do that? The house is both of ours. Who gets to stay and who has to leave in this situation? What are my rights? Do we have to come to an agreement on our own because I just see me giving in if that is the case.

Of course my lawyer should advise me properly but I just wondered what your guy's opinion was.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well exposing is a good thing whether you wish to R or D, it leaves OM and your wife scrambling while you are getting your ducks in a row if D. And if R, then it helps with pulling your BS out of the fog as exposure makes the affair less exciting.

as far as the NC letter and having to check up on her constantly (and you will want to if you R, and you should - takes about 2-5 years to heal) that part is up to you. If you wish to go straight to divorce, then forgo that stuff. At least get a VAR to keep on yourself and record all convos with your wife, sometimes the WS will try to cast false accusations and it is a good way to protect yourself.

However, do know that NC is vital for R, the longer your wife is in NC the more she will come out of her fog.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

most likely, no one will be "forced" to leave the house. Unless you bought the house prior to the marriage and the marriage is less than 3 years you can't toss her out. That doesnt mean she knows that, though. You could try to pack her stuff and see where that takes you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

F-102 posted an excellent summary about how these re-connecting with old flame affairs usually go:



F-102 said:


> It may have gone something like this:
> 
> They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
> 
> ...


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

She leaves. She is the one who pays the consequences. And quit saying you're not mad. You need to let the anger out so she can see you are not kidding. Loverboy is not your friend anymore. You owe him the gift of exposure at work for what he has done. Be a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> Honestly? I don't think any of this is good. I know you guys aren't BSing me but I just don't want to accept it. I just thought there could be some hope with the NC letter and me filing a complaint to internal affairs against him. He is just as scared as she is, he told her that. He has kids and doesn't want something bad to happen (be exposed, lose job, etc.)
> 
> He is scared as hell NOW, but he wasnt when he was with your wife, let him know there are consequences for his actions, if I/A talks with him, he will probably drop youre wife like a bad habit...guess he should have thought of the reprecussions before he got involved wtih your wife.
> 
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> One other question. Once I file, she'll get served and then obviously one of us will have to leave the house. What is your advice for this?
> 
> I don't want to leave because I didn't do anything wrong. I also run a business from my home. On the other hand she will not leave her kids for anything and I would literally have to throw her out. Do I even have the right to do that? The house is both of ours. Who gets to stay and who has to leave in this situation? What are my rights? Do we have to come to an agreement on our own because I just see me giving in if that is the case.
> 
> Of course my lawyer should advise me properly but I just wondered what your guy's opinion was.


If you live in a community property state, then no, you cannot actually make her leave. You can try and bluff her, but if she doesn't leave, then you can't. However, you should NEVER be the one to leave, because that will be seen as abandonment by the courts, and you will get screwed over in any child custody matters and property matters. You may have to live with the hell of in house separation. But consult your lawyer on all of this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME for if you do it will be considered abandonment and you will be forced to continue to make payments on the home and child support.

When you go file for divorce also petition for a temporary custody order so that way your wife can't take the kids away and go live somewhere else.

You must be tough and be willing to cohabitate with your wife until the divorce forces the sale of the family home. Then when escrow closes, and only then do you move out.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wasclueless,

Of course she has feelings for him. She is a lying, cheating selfish ass. Everyone gets those kinds of feelings back in just a few months. Everyone will leave their spouse and family with these feelings developed in a few months.

Do you see how ridiculous she sounds. She is in the fog.

Take the teams advice. Meet with your attorney right away and file.
Go to Internal Affairs and log a complaint. The OM needs to feel consequences to for screwing your wife.

Make your wife send a NC letter and if she won't hand her the separation/divorce papers as a consequence.

Whether your want to R of D you should follow these steps as well. 

Do not waste your breathe on the OM. He was screwed by his wife so he pays you the same courtesy. What a role model he is!!!!

Get tough, move fast to keep her unbalanced. And you be in control of your destiny not her.

If you want to repair the marriage, good for you. If the damage is unrepairable so be it.

Do not leave your house!!! Let her leave. She has stepped out on you 2x already. Let her feel what a divorce is like so she can start feeling the damage she has wreaked on your family.

Good Luck.

Hm64


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!
This is critical.


DENIAL
anger
Denial
Anger
Denial
ANGER
ANGER
Doing Deals.
ANGER
Doing deals
Denial
Guilt
anger
Depression or Sadness
Doing Deals
ANGER
Acceptance
denial
ANGER
SADNESS
Acceptance
denial
etc..
Acceptance
sadness
sadness
sadness.

One month for every year of marriage is my hope!
Your still at point one..
Might as well get to point two now. 
Sorry.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

At the moment your biggest fear is you lose your wife. Take a different stance; you HAVE lost your wife. How do you change that? You have a chance to recover your marriage though there are no promises attached.

Take out the OM, do not let your wife know of any of the steps you are going to take. You not only expose him at work but to his family as well. Ruin his dream; he needs to focus on saving his ass leaving you to sort out your wife.

The NC letter is a must
Filing or divorce is a clear message to her, she either commits to the marriage or she is out. If she commits and does everything without delay then you can decide to take this forward or not.
Ensure she understands the financial consequences and that you will be telling your children the truth as to why the marriage has broken down.I
Expose her affair to her parents and siblings asking them for support to help heal your marriage.

Create a plan and share the main points with us , we can guide you as to what may be missing

Do not tell your wife what you are doing. Load a keylogger, get a VAR and make sure you have access to her phone and its records.

The only way you will have a hope of saving your marriage is to overcome your fear, Fear of losing your wife is the least of your worries and is hindering your ability to make progress

A thread below, read it …
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

You guys are spot on with everything you have been telling me. I've read all the links you have posted and I feel as well armed as I can be now. Thanks for being tough on me and being honest. I will def keep you posted.

What Keylogger do you recommend. Is there a good one I can just pay for and download quickly off Internet? Thanks.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there's a keylogger thread around here somewhere...

you can always check the reviews on cnet


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are you on anti-depressants?


Why? because he's so calm about the whole thing?:scratchhead:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> Why? because he's so calm about the whole thing?:scratchhead:


Some people need them for a short period of time. I certainly needed them when thoughts of suicide crept up in my head shortly after I discovered the video of my ex-wife engaging in sex with the OM.

Working, the world we knew and things we believed in get destroyed completely. It is not something I would wish on anybody, including my ex-wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anti-depressants can work wonders, especially when dealing with a trauma.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Keylogger thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34897-best-keylogger.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Original poster, that FB list is down to the letter with what happened between my WH and his OW. Of course, then WH started feeling guilty and treating me badly and eventually sought out more women on the side. He denied all of it to himself and is still in denial and shifting the blame and we are still in limbo.

So, I understand ow you feel. Right now, your wife is acting out of guilt, not remorse. She doesn't fully understand that she is going to lose you if she doesn't get her act together and commit to the marriage. It's too soon for her to be able to get that through her head, yet, MLC or not. If you guys are not in counseling, please do get there. It will help.

Don't let her just give you trickle truth until you're beaten down and she's gotten enough strength to make this affair go more underground because that will only worsen the problems between you. Don't rug-sweep (even if you want to desperately; 5 months later, I still want to rug-sweep because I can't seem to let go in my heart; but, I don't) because that will make it worse.

People here are giving you very good advice. Take it. Expose the affair. Get in counseling. If it's not complete truth, transparency, and remorse....then file for divorce and maybe it will wake her up. That may work in your case because she can't just go back to the OM.

Good Luck and hang in there. This feeling sucks and it's going to for a long time, but you're not alone! And, it is not your fault!


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## fallinginlove (Jan 30, 2012)

Dear Wasclueless,
I am very sorry for your recent struggles. I read many of the posts, but I don't agree with most of them. First of all I am a wife who has been married for 26 years. My marriage is healthy, but it is because my husband and I have had to work at it. So here are some things I think would help you.
First of all, think a little about your car. Say what? Well what I mean, is that you drive a car and you expect it to work, right? However, you need to give maintenance to your car with oil changes, tune ups, tire rotations, etc... Sooo guess what, you have not be giving your marriage maintenance. What your wife really needs is for you to help her by being by her side and loving her. You have not be giving her the love she needs, because you probably don't know how. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love. What you need to realize is that each person has a love language. This means that each person has one way or so that really pushes their buttons to feel loved. Here they are: Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm the other person. Acts of Service - Actions speak louder than words. The key to loving this person is to find out what things they would like you to do for them. Possibly laundry, wash dishes, keeping the bathroom cleaned, go grocery shopping, etc... Receiving Gifts - The gift communicates, she was thinking of me, look what my spouse gave me, and so on. Ask what kind of things they like. It can be something very cheap. I happen to love colored pens & love to receive potted plants. My husband only knows this because I told him. He is not a mind reader. He buys me a plant that maybe only cost $2, but I love it. He was thinking of me Quality time - giving the other person your undivided attention. Doing things together to be with that person. Sitting down together talking and listening to each other. Physical touch - to be touched appropriately. Holding hands, arm around you, sex, and etc.. Ok so the above 5 love languages are not mine idea, they come from Gary Chapman, but they work. What is amazing, is that when I saw this list, I realized that I was not loving my husband correctly and he wasn't really loving me correctly. My love language is receiving gifts. What would happen? He would want to spend all his free time with me. Well that is good, except by the time he comes home, I needed some down time alone. (My children are at home all day) Now I do like to spend time with him, but not every single minute. I would give him gifts, but he really could care less. So once we figured out what each others love language was, our love became so strong. Now do we have an perfect marriage? By no means we do, but because we committed to marriage, we have committed to getting through times that are difficult. It sounds as though you probably haven't really kept up the dating relationship in your marriage. When you dated before marriage, you did all the wonderful thing you could to win your wife. Your wife wants to be dated by you. Treat her as a gift and find out her love language and go full forward. If she is willing to stay in the marriage, you should be rejoicing. Not only for your sake, but for your children's sake as well. (it is very harmful for your family, especially the younger child) Go wild over winning your wife's love back. It will take sometime, but it can happen. The other thing that has been helpful for my marriage is date night. My husband takes me out on a date at least once every two weeks. It doesn't have to be expensive, sometimes we just go to the park walk and talk. During these times we have had so much reflection time on each other. I may remind him that I am missing his little gifts or ask him to love me by helping me with an outdoor project, etc.. One thing I realized for me and I think many women will do this, is not communicating what we really feel. So ask your wife what she really feels? Do you think she would even of had an affair if you were meeting all of her needs? She may be having a MLC, but what have you done before this started to know that she is loved and cared for truly? Are you giving her a reason to staying in love with you? Are you complaining, grumbling, have high expectations, lazy, forget to do the honey do list, sluggard (watching to much TV?) not considerate, being gross, not being a gentlemen, and etc.. ? Get the idea. Who is it she married? Is that man still around? Have you changed so much that you are completely different from when she first married you? Change is good if you mature, but where is my man? The one I fell in love with. Ok so lastly, don't go and tell all your friends what has happened. Even though your wife took the first step, in reality it is both of your faults. You need to look within yourself and see what you did wrong. Don't point out what she has done wrong, she already knows. If you at all want to see your marriage survive, you will have to really reach down and do some heavy loving. What is love? Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. I highly recommend a marriage counselor. I am not a counselor, I am just a stay at home wife and mother who loves her family and loves to share with others the success that I have had in my marriage, even though at times it's been hard. For the most part though, my marriage has been fabulous and wonderful and I do keep falling in love with my awesome hubby.  May God bless you and your wife.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Its time for you to become a poker player, and bluff her.

You know that your mge., isn't gonna survive as a 3some---SHE CANNOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER LOVER

Go online---go to the Indiana Family Codes---read everything, and learn what you need to know about property, custody, divorce itself---now you will know as much as any atty---you just don't have any experience, as an atty. would,---but you will know the law, as it pertains to what you need to know----then go to Indiana law--the general site for the state---go to the forms section, and print out the divorce packet, and the custody packet

All of this costs you nothing but time, paper and ink, but it is somewhat the same as going to an atty., and she will think you have been to an atty.

Have the packets somewhere in the house where she HAS to see them, and then confront her on her feelings for her lover

Tell her she gets over him like yesterday, and tho she probably won't be able to really get rid of her feelings, cold turkey---the actual idea of D. right in front of her---moves things along rather quickly----she will all of a sudden "GET IT"

As to her lover---go to the mayor's office, and go to the police chief's office, and tell them their officer, is causing the break up of your family, and since he works for the city---THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE.

We had a cop here in southern calif.---in Santa Maria----who was messing with a young girl---his own police dept. attempted to arrest him, and when he resisted, they shot and killed him---happened, yesterday----so cities, do take action.

Either your wife becomes accountable, and WANTS to be part of the family---or she gets out.

You must learn rule #1---THIS IS YOUR BALLGAME PLAYED BY YOUR RULES---she gets NO SAY IN ANYTHING----she either wants in 100%, or she is gone!!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

fallinginlove said:


> Dear Wasclueless,
> I am very sorry for your recent struggles. I read many of the posts, but I don't agree with most of them. First of all I am a wife who has been married for 26 years. My marriage is healthy, but it is because my husband and I have had to work at it. So here are some things I think would help you.
> First of all, think a little about your car. Say what? Well what I mean, is that you drive a car and you expect it to work, right? However, you need to give maintenance to your car with oil changes, tune ups, tire rotations, etc... Sooo guess what, you have not be giving your marriage maintenance. What your wife really needs is for you to help her by being by her side and loving her. You have not be giving her the love she needs, because you probably don't know how. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love. What you need to realize is that each person has a love language. This means that each person has one way or so that really pushes their buttons to feel loved. Here they are: Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm the other person. Acts of Service - Actions speak louder than words. The key to loving this person is to find out what things they would like you to do for them. Possibly laundry, wash dishes, keeping the bathroom cleaned, go grocery shopping, etc... Receiving Gifts - The gift communicates, she was thinking of me, look what my spouse gave me, and so on. Ask what kind of things they like. It can be something very cheap. I happen to love colored pens & love to receive potted plants. My husband only knows this because I told him. He is not a mind reader. He buys me a plant that maybe only cost $2, but I love it. He was thinking of me Quality time - giving the other person your undivided attention. Doing things together to be with that person. Sitting down together talking and listening to each other. Physical touch - to be touched appropriately. Holding hands, arm around you, sex, and etc.. Ok so the above 5 love languages are not mine idea, they come from Gary Chapman, but they work. What is amazing, is that when I saw this list, I realized that I was not loving my husband correctly and he wasn't really loving me correctly. My love language is receiving gifts. What would happen? He would want to spend all his free time with me. Well that is good, except by the time he comes home, I needed some down time alone. (My children are at home all day) Now I do like to spend time with him, but not every single minute. I would give him gifts, but he really could care less. So once we figured out what each others love language was, our love became so strong. Now do we have an perfect marriage? By no means we do, but because we committed to marriage, we have committed to getting through times that are difficult. It sounds as though you probably haven't really kept up the dating relationship in your marriage. When you dated before marriage, you did all the wonderful thing you could to win your wife. Your wife wants to be dated by you. Treat her as a gift and find out her love language and go full forward. If she is willing to stay in the marriage, you should be rejoicing. Not only for your sake, but for your children's sake as well. (it is very harmful for your family, especially the younger child) Go wild over winning your wife's love back. It will take sometime, but it can happen. The other thing that has been helpful for my marriage is date night. My husband takes me out on a date at least once every two weeks. It doesn't have to be expensive, sometimes we just go to the park walk and talk. During these times we have had so much reflection time on each other. I may remind him that I am missing his little gifts or ask him to love me by helping me with an outdoor project, etc.. One thing I realized for me and I think many women will do this, is not communicating what we really feel. So ask your wife what she really feels? Do you think she would even of had an affair if you were meeting all of her needs? She may be having a MLC, but what have you done before this started to know that she is loved and cared for truly? Are you giving her a reason to staying in love with you? Are you complaining, grumbling, have high expectations, lazy, forget to do the honey do list, sluggard (watching to much TV?) not considerate, being gross, not being a gentlemen, and etc.. ? Get the idea. Who is it she married? Is that man still around? Have you changed so much that you are completely different from when she first married you? Change is good if you mature, but where is my man? The one I fell in love with. Ok so lastly, don't go and tell all your friends what has happened. Even though your wife took the first step, in reality it is both of your faults. You need to look within yourself and see what you did wrong. Don't point out what she has done wrong, she already knows. If you at all want to see your marriage survive, you will have to really reach down and do some heavy loving. What is love? Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. I highly recommend a marriage counselor. I am not a counselor, I am just a stay at home wife and mother who loves her family and loves to share with others the success that I have had in my marriage, even though at times it's been hard. For the most part though, my marriage has been fabulous and wonderful and I do keep falling in love with my awesome hubby.  May God bless you and your wife.


Sounds like someone who hasn't been burned by infidelity. This seems more like blameshifting and blaming the BS for the WS cheating because he didn't fulfill all her needs. What she should have done was communicate, not cheat. There is never any valid reason to cheat. If the OP decides he wants R after his WW has earned a shot at R, then they can both work on those issues. Right now the OP has to deal with the infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree. The A affair needs to be destroyed or there is no chance for the marriage. And you cannot love someone back into the marriage while the affair is active.

That is a called a threesome. And that is not on the marriage menu.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

fallinginlove said:


> Do you think she would even of had an affair if you were meeting all of her needs?


Fallinginlove, sorry for being blunt, but - would you cheat on your husband if he wasn't meeting all of your needs?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

snap said:


> Fallinginlove, sorry for being blunt, but - would you cheat on your husband if he wasn't meeting all of your needs?


Exactly! Many times in my marriage my needs were not being met, but I never cheated. My H who tested high on his needs being met (based on that test you take in MC) ended up being the one to have an affair. The motivation and reasoning behind someone choosing to cheat is way more complex than a feeling that some needs aren't being met.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

I appreciate ALL the advice even if some of it isn't exactly like my situation.

Update: We are still in limbo. I haven't moved towards D but she isn't moving towards R either. She is showing zero signs of true remorse. She is in sweep it under the rug mode right now. 

She is having some of the same symptoms as me (crying a lot, not eating, not sleeping, etc) but not being completely honest or transparent enough for me to believe she is truly remorseful. Thus R is not even close to getting started.

I did report AP to internal affairs today, they seemed extremely concerned and are investigating.

Also I got checked for STD's today, results should be in a few days.

I will see how tonight goes with her, I've just been keeping busy and trying to get on with my life. We've talked several times but I still don't see signs of true remorse besides her telling me she is remorseful. But with no trust now I am not going to believe anything she tells me. I need to see it!

I meet with my attorney tmrw for the first time. I think I'll file and get this thing out of limbo since R is not looking good right now. I am not just going to sweep this under the rug and I've given her some time to show remorse but that time is about to end, for now anyway.

Stay tuned.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Remember, if you decide to R later on if she is truly remorseful, then keep this table in mind. True remorse is one of the pillars of R, not guilt.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*He is just as scared as she is*. 

What is her reason to be scared??

*He is just as scare of you husband
he told her that. He has kids and doesn't want something bad to happen (be exposed, lose job, etc.)*

This always is pissing me of,when cheating wife
claims this!

I mean seriously??

But apparently not enough as it seems.Sheesh

Are you really sure he is divorced??

If he is.It could be a good idea to find out the reason why..


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> *He is just as scared as she is*.
> 
> What is her reason to be scared??
> 
> ...


Same reason as many cheaters: They will try to protect their affair partner.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Same reason as many cheaters: They will try to protect their affair partner.


Sadly it is true..But damn i cant help it.It so effing
insulting..


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> *He is just as scared as she is*.
> 
> Are you really sure he is divorced??
> 
> If he is.It could be a good idea to find out the reason why..



I already know why AP got D. His WS left him for her AP and is still with him. So ironically, he knows exactly how I am feeling right now. F'ing POS!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> I already know why AP got D. His WS left him for her AP and is still with him. So ironically, he knows exactly how I am feeling right now. F'ing POS!


Who's your source? I ask because if it is your wife, I would not believe her for the OM could be feeding her a bunch of lies. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if the real reason the OM's wife left him was because she found that he was cheating on her.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I already know why AP got D. *His WS left him for her AP and is still with him. So ironically, he knows exactly how I am feeling right now.* F'ing POS!


Man, what an ugly and vicious cycle.

I know this is off topic, but I'd be curious to find out how many AP's have been cheated-on themselves, before they cross over to the "dark" side.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> I already know why AP got D. His WS left him for her AP and is still with him. So ironically, he knows exactly how I am feeling right now. F'ing POS!


 capital punishment comes to mind..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Man, what an ugly and vicious cycle.
> 
> I know this is off topic, but I'd be curious to find out how many AP's have been cheated-on themselves, before they cross over to the "dark" side.


More comen then we would like to think..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Remember to also expose the cheating to family and friends so they can't rewrite history and can't use others to cover for them meeting up.

Make the affair very public and very hard to continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

morituri said:


> Who's your source? I ask because if it is your wife, I would not believe her for the OM could be feeding her a bunch of lies. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if the real reason the OM's wife left him was because she found that he was cheating on her.


LOL...God I'm an idiot! Yeah my source was my WS. I did ask her at one point if SHE was the reason that her AP got divorced and she said no....but I now know that everything that comes out of her mouth is probably a lie or not the whole truth.

"Tip of the iceberg" was one term I remember towards the beginning of this post and I'm sure that's probably the case. So if complete honest about the A is neccessary for a couple to start towards R, how does the BS every really know he/she got the whole truth? There are probably couples out there that have reconciled their marriages and are more in love than ever where the WS still hasn't ever come completely clean about the A.

I'll have to do some digging tomorrow to try to uncover something and when I do I'll know for sure she is not remorseful because she has swore up and down she has told me everything and wants to R.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

wasclueless - I'm so sorry you're going through this nightmare! Those of us that have been through this pain (myself included) wouldn't wish it upon their worst enemy.

I'm a bit late here but wanted to give you a suggestion about your house. You might consider "bird's nest custody". Basically, instead of moving your kids around, the kids stay put in the house and you and your STBXW move around instead, meaning one of you is in the house at any one time. You can play with the schedule (one week you /one week her, etc.) There is a variant known as a "2/2/3" schedule that gives you each 50% of the time but makes sure you're only away from the kids at most 3 days at a time. The way it works is: you 2 days, her 2 days, you 3 days, her 2 days, you 2 days, her 3 days, etc. The place you or your wife stays at when away from the house could be very modest as it only has to be sufficient for 1 person's needs (studio, 1 bedroom, rented room, etc.) Big pros for the kids -- about the only con is you need 3 places (house, yours, hers). Not a permanent solution to be sure, but as a temporary bridge it makes a lot of sense...If you're feeling compelled to kick her out (can't really do) or leaving yourself (bad idea) consider bird nesting instead. No court is going to look badly at you for abandonment doing this. In fact, they probably will like it because out of all custody scenarios this one makes the most sense considering the best interests of the children (which the court ALWAYS will do). If this sounds like something you want to do, draft-up a notarized agreement that you and your wife both sign stating that this is what you're doing. That way, there is no way in hell she can try to throw you under the bus later saying you weren't at the house all the time.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> So if complete honest about the A is neccessary for a couple to start towards R, how does the BS every really know he/she got the whole truth?


You have to do your homework and collect some information about the A yourself. Then question her about everything, not revealing your hand.

If her story matches what you do know, or she comes up with more facts than you aware of, fine. If it doesn't add up, too bad.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Update: i didn't file for divorce and we are trying to R the marriage. We did a no contact letter to the OM. I also did call his boss and had a nice little chat with him. I do believe the A is over but I've done some of the things suggested just to be sure. It's been 2 weeks now since D day. Some days are okay for me and others are bad. I want to be the man she's always wanted but it's tough to fake it through all the pain. The mind movies really F'ed with me today and the anger built up to the point I wanted to beat the **** out of the OM. My wife and I just had another talk about the A but some of my anger and hatred over the whole thing showed through and I feel like we took a step backwards because of that. I don't know if we will make it or not or if I can get past all the pain and anger. Today I just felt like the whole A really sunk in. All I know is this sucks and I feel like giving up sometimes.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So what has she done besides the NC letter to show you that she has earned a shot at R? Is she willingly and fully transparent? Has she handed over to you any and all passwords to all accounts? Are you able to talk to her about the affair? Are you getting any more disclosure about the affair? What are you doing to ensure that there is NC and it's holding? One of them is bound to do some fishing. 

Because if you and her aren't doing everything necessary, then you are just forcing R when she isn't ready, and then you will just end up in False R.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print this off and make your wife read it:

Read this:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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