# Husband left....now trying reconciliation



## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Hi all! I’ve lurked around here for awhile now and figured it was time to share my story and get opinions from others who have gone through this. Sorry in advance if this is long, I will try and summarize the best I can.

I have been married for 14yrs with two children ages 13 and 11. Our marriage wasn’t the best, we argued a lot but we did have plenty of good times. Back in July, I took the kids to go visit my parents. We do this every year and the kids stay up there for a few weeks after I leave. I knew things weren’t good between H and I, we hardly talked, all he ever did was sit and play games on his computer. I thought he was depressed because he had been out of work for 3 yrs. I was going to sit down and talk to him once I got back while the kids were gone. Well that didn’t happen. When I got home, he barely said two words to me and so I went on the computer to pay bills. I noticed the cell phone bill was higher than usual so I went to look at it. In doing so, I found an out of state number he was calling in the evenings after I went to bed and they were long calls. When I asked him about it, he immediately got defensive and said it was just a friend. I asked who this friend was and he said it was none of my business. I knew right then it was a woman. Which I came to find out later he met her in this “virtual reality” game he was playing. We argued and he said he’s been unhappy for our whole marriage, packed up and left. I called the phone number and got her voicemail. I didn’t leave a message but an hour later she called me. She told me he made up a huge story about us being separated for a year and he only stayed in our loveless marriage for the kids. But now that they are older he felt okay leaving. He made me out to be the devil to her. I explained we were not separated, he only left tonight because I found her number. She said she was done with him because that wasn’t the first lie he told her. She emailed me the next morning the text messages he was sending to her overnight trying to lure her back. Her and I emailed back and forth through the week. After having some time to think, I decided I couldn’t through away our family and marriage. I told him that Friday after he left that I wanted to work it out and he said he would think about it. I sent the OW a text asking her if she was talking to him anymore because I wanted to put our family back together. I never heard back from her so I knew then that she must have taken him back. When I asked my H if that happened he said yes they were back together. I was crushed.

I then did everything I should not have. I kept contact with him trying to change his mind. We did things together with the kids once they came back. I thought if he would see how happy we can be it would change his mind. About a month later, he told me he broke it off with her but he wanted to be alone to think. I asked if he would go to MC and he said yes. So we went a week later and the counselor asked him about this internet relationship and he said he was done with it. Well come to find out, two days before out counseling session they were back talking again. He even called her that night after he dropped me off at home! I was crushed again. He told me he was done, he couldn’t forget all the arguing we did over our 14yrs. He didn’t see any of the good times we had, only negative. He stopped going to counseling with me because he said he never wanted to go in the first place, he only went for me.

We kept in contact by texting mainly. He told me he was sorry, he never wanted to hurt me and didn’t think I loved him anymore so he thought it would be okay if he left. I told him I was sorry for not showing him how much I loved him and we both lost our way and took our marriage for granted. So again I asked if he would be willing to work on our issues and try again. I told him in order to do so, he needs to break it off completely with the OW and have no contact with her. He said he needed time to think about it because he’s confused. His main concern is if we tried things would eventually go back to the way their were between us and he can’t live like that. Again he said let him think about it. Well when I log into my email that night, I have an email from the OW stating she and my H talked they decided to stay together and she will fight for him no matter what. She said she doesn’t believe my H wants to be with me or get his family back together. They are determined to be together so I should get use to the fact that she isn’t going anywhere. She doesn’t care what I think of her or what the world thinks of her moral standards, she loves him and is it in for the long haul. So again, I feel betrayed by my H because obviously he told her that I asked him to work it out with me and I asked him if he tells her we talk and he said no. Again another lie, I was hurt and disappointed.

I was seeing the counselor by myself for awhile. He asked if my H would come back for a few sessions to work on resolving conflicts since that is one of our major issues and no matter what happens, we will always be connected through our kids and have to work out issues. My H said yes he would. We went to a few sessions and things were getting better. My H had his birthday in the beginning of September. I asked if he would come over and spend the night with us to celebrate. He said sure. I went all out for his dinner, made him all his favorites, crab legs, mussels, and shrimp. It was a good night. That weekend, he came over and we went shopping to get a new refrigerator. On the ride back, he asked me what I thought about him coming back home. I again told him that he needs to break it off with the OW completely and he said he won’t, he just wanted to let the relationship die and he wouldn’t respond to her at all. I told him that’s not good enough for me and left it at that. Well two days later, he calls me on his lunch break and tells me he took care of the OW. I asked him, so she’s not going to contact you ever again and he said it was done between them. He then tells me the ball is in my court. I tell him, it’s going to take both of us to make this marriage work. He says, well you know what you need to do, no more arguing or fighting. 

So he moves back home and things are going good for a few weeks. Well since I never knew what he told the OW, one morning while he was out, I went on his computer and “snooped” around. He has a password on his computer so I can’t get on it if he hasn’t logged in and this make me think he was hiding something. He left his computer on overnight so I was able to look around. Well he must have some program that tells him what was looked at because he asked me why I was digging around on his computer. He was so mad at me and told me it would never work and he should have never come back. Well of course this made me even more fearful because why get so angry. So I emailed the OW and asked if she was in contact with my H since we are back together and trying to work it out. She said no she hasn’t talk him since they broke up and went on to tell me that she is the one who broke up with him. I told her I didn’t believe her and she sent me the text messages showing that she told him she was done. I was devastated, it felt like he only got back together with me because she broke it off with him. And she didn’t stop there, she went on to tell me she wasn’t the first girl he hooked up with in the game, there was someone before her. And that he had all the sex furniture in the game before she met him. Now I asked him if he ever had sex in game with anyone and he told me no. I confronted him with all this and he told half truths and lies. He was furious because I contacted her and told me he doesn’t need this sh*t, he was done and didn’t want to be with me. I told him if he couldn’t tell me the truth about this, what else has he lied to me about. He slept in the basement. I emailed him the next day to tell him I can’t make him love me or want to be with me. I will respect his decision and we will be roommates until he can find a place to live.

Well over the weekend we had an MC scheduled and I figured I would be going by myself since he said he was done. I was surprised that he said he was going with. We went over what happened in our session and the counselor told us to think about what we want from one another and what we can/cannot live with and at our next session we would go over it. Well my H was very loving and affectionate with me which is a change. Usually I’m the one who will come up and hug him or hold him and now’s he’s doing it to me. I’m not sure if he realized I’m not begging him to stay anymore or if it was our session that got him thinking.

So we were doing okay for awhile. Then one night I hear his notification go off on his phone around midnight and I ask him if he got a text message. He said he didn’t know, it was probably an email. Well in the morning I asked if it was an email, he yells at me, no it was an update. After work I asked him why he gets angry when I ask him questions and why can’t he open up to me? I also asked him questions about the OW. It started another argument and he told me that I can’t let go of anything and he can’t live like this. I asked him let what go, because I ask you questions you don’t like your done? He screams at me that he hates me and can’t f*cking stand me. He wishes he would have never come back and he won’t be here long. He tells me he understands what I’m going through and that I’m insecure and it will take time but I don’t think he truly can understand what this has done to me, not with a reaction like that.

Everything is a secret with him. He tells me he won’t have me boss him around or have my hands in his sh*t. That I’m not his mother and he doesn’t need to tell me his passwords and such. I told him if he would just tell me little things like when he gets a picture message from one of his guy friends, show it to me and say look what so and so sent me. Since this is one of the ways him and the OW shared pics and communicated, it would put my mind at ease and earn my trust. He doesn’t want to do that, feels he shouldn’t have to. And as for the game he was playing, I asked why he won’t cancel the account. He got mad and said fine, give me the money I spend on the game and I will cancel it. So I did and I watched him cancel it that night.

Well fast forward another month, I’m taking the kids on vacation for Christmas to visit my family and my stomach is in knots because when I came back the last time everything hit the fan and he left. So I’m scared. I told my H this and I asked him if he wanted to get caught because why else would he use the cell phone to call her knowing I pay the bill and eventually would find out. He said no he didn’t want to get caught, he used the cell because he wasn’t home during those times to talk on the computer. This really got to me and my mind is now running. I asked him what would have happened if I didn’t find her number. His usual response of I don’t know. This is what he always tells me when he doesn’t want to talk. I asked him again if there was anyone else on this site he hooked up with besides her and why didn’t he come to me to talk instead of finding someone else. He tells me again there was no one else and he said it just happened. Really, he claims she pursued him, but it didn’t just happen, he could have told her he wasn’t interested and he was married but he didn’t. So after all this, it got me thinking again. Just out of curiosity I had an old password of his. I decided to see if it worked on this game account and it did. So yes he cancelled it in front of me but then went back and reactivated it!! So after looking at his account, I find out back in April 2011 when he first signed up, he was with another girl then because he was sending her gifts in game and then I found a message he didn’t delete from March 2012 regarding another girl he was with in game before the OW that I found out about. And I found all the sex items he bought in the game which he told me he didn’t have and never had in game sex. So again he lied to me about having other internet relationships and lied about having in game sex. If he can lie about this, what else is he lying about? Oh and so I tried to log into his email account I didn’t know he had with this old password and I find that he never deleted the contact info for the OW like he told me he did. I want to confront him about all this but I know it will turn into a huge fight and then he will turn it around on me that I went into his accounts without his knowledge. Yes I did but with all the lies and then him telling me he didn’t want to get caught, I felt I needed to know what else was there. I’m probably wrong for doing it, snooping around, but I didn’t think there was any other way to find out for sure. How am I suppose to trust him if he can’t be honest??

Sorry this became a book, it’s been a long, hard 6 months. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before and never in a million years would thought I would have to.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Okay, first you need to put on your big girl pants and set down the rules:

1. Do the 180 on him. He is manipulating you because you keep showing that he is so important that you will allow him to keep up with is mistreatment of you.
2. You need him to come clean on everything. If he doesn't he is not interested in R just is using you as his fall back. You are being treated as the ATM and #2.
3. You need to get tested for STD's he has been away, what has happened in that time?
4. You need to get VARs and put them in places where he makes his phone calls, Also, carry a VAR with you to record his conversations with you about this. YOu need a record.

Yes, you are going to have a huge fight with him about this when you confront him. He is going to try and Rugsweep it is up to you if you want to continue this way. Unless he is vested in the R of the marriage this will not change.

You want it to work from your posts, but he wants to have it his way.

Is this the life you want for the rest of time?


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Okay, first you need to put on your big girl pants and set down the rules:
> 
> 1. Do the 180 on him. He is manipulating you because you keep showing that he is so important that you will allow him to keep up with is mistreatment of you.
> 2. You need him to come clean on everything. If he doesn't he is not interested in R just is using you as his fall back. You are being treated as the ATM and #2.
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to read my long post. What is a VAR? I told him previously he was trying to sweep what he did under the rug and he claims he just wants us to start fresh and forget about the past. If he would come clean about everything with me, we could start fresh. But if not, it's hard to trust him ever again. As for being an ATM, he did find a job while we were separated so that's good but of course now he wants separate accounts instead of joint accounts like we always had before. It's his money and he wants to keep it that way. So I pay the bills and he gives me his half. It's really frustrating because before everything was ours.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

He treats you like sh!t, you let him

He made you a plan B, yo allow this. 


If you want anything to change, you're going to need to do pretty much the opposite of everything you've been doing. 

Your weakness, doesn't inspire love only disrespect, and if you don't respect someone its impossible to love them.

You're convenient and easy, but as soon as something better for him comes along you bes believe hes throwing you under the bus. 

What you need to do, is file for divorce. Doesn't matter about evidence, his past attacks and disregard is more than enough.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can find the abbreviations and lots of other educational stuff in the newbie link in my signature


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I feel like your H and mine could be related. The way he doesnt remember stuff when you ask questions, gets mad at you asking, tries to make your marriage look like it was all bad, says he is done and goes right back to talking to her. OMG....I can so relate to what you said. 

Is this girl local, has he ever SEEN her in person?


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I feel like your H and mine could be related. The way he doesnt remember stuff when you ask questions, gets mad at you asking, tries to make your marriage look like it was all bad, says he is done and goes right back to talking to her. OMG....I can so relate to what you said.
> 
> Is this girl local, has he ever SEEN her in person?


No this girl is not local, she lives over 1000 miles away. He said she sent pics of herself but I don't think they were her because I asked if she was a heavy girl and he said no. I found a video she did on the internet and some posting on a weight lose sight and she's close to 300 lbs!! So the pics she sent either were not of herself of before she got heavy though her postings said she struggled with her weight all her life. When I say her video, I was shocked. My H told me a long time ago he would never date or be with anyone that was heavy and then he left me for her!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

woogy said:


> No this girl is not local, she lives over 1000 miles away. He said she sent pics of herself but I don't think they were her because I asked if she was a heavy girl and he said no. I found a video she did on the internet and some posting on a weight lose sight and she's close to 300 lbs!! So the pics she sent either were not of herself of before she got heavy though her postings said she struggled with her weight all her life. When I say her video, I was shocked. My H told me a long time ago he would never date or be with anyone that was heavy and then he left me for her!!


HAHA this is funny. Look up the tv show Catfish on MTV and watch it when he's around!


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Well I thought about everything and I am going to confront my H but after the holidays. I will be gone on vacation with the kids all next week and don't need any more stress right now. Plus this way, I want to tell him that we need to start the new year with a clean slate and hopefully he will be honest with me. If he can't be honest and tell me the truth, I can't go on living like this. Always looking over my shoulder wondering what he is doing. I don't want to live like that. 

Thanks everyone for listening. I will update my thread once I sit down and discuss everything with my H after my vacation.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

woogy said:


> Well I thought about everything and I am going to confront my H but after the holidays. I will be gone on vacation with the kids all next week and don't need any more stress right now. Plus this way, I want to tell him that we need to start the new year with a clean slate and hopefully he will be honest with me. If he can't be honest and tell me the truth, I can't go on living like this. Always looking over my shoulder wondering what he is doing. I don't want to live like that.
> 
> Thanks everyone for listening. I will update my thread once I sit down and discuss everything with my H after my vacation.


With this attitude you will fail, and will believe any false promises he spews if you go in with that attitude of acceptance.

Until you hold him accountable he will not respect you, and he will not change, no matter how much you want him too. 

Unless you change that submissive attitude theres no hope of a better relationship, Good luck being plan B.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Kasler said:


> With this attitude you will fail, and will believe any false promises he spews if you go in with that attitude of acceptance.
> 
> Until you hold him accountable he will not respect you, and he will not change, no matter how much you want him too.
> 
> Unless you change that submissive attitude theres no hope of a better relationship, Good luck being plan B.


What do you mean "with that attitude you will fail"? If he doesn't come clean with me and tell me the truth, I will be done. I can't live that way.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

woogy said:


> What do you mean "with that attitude you will fail"? If he doesn't come clean with me and tell me the truth, I will be done. I can't live that way.


Because you badly _want_ to believe him. 

No matter what assurances he tells you you will believe it without question, and your resolve isn't strong. You say you can't live this way but you didn't mention divorce or any other options which speaks to hesitation. 

You also victimize yourself by saying you can't live like this when it would be more precise to say you can't live with him. 

Frankly, you're not gonna be able to handle the the harsh nature of what has to be done in these kind of situations. Its never pretty or easy, especially with a spouse as unrepentant as your husband.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Because you badly _want_ to believe him.
> 
> No matter what assurances he tells you you will believe it without question, and your resolve isn't strong. You say you can't live this way but you didn't mention divorce or any other options which speaks to hesitation.
> 
> ...


No I don't badly want to believe him. In the beginning yes I did. But now that I found out some of the lies, I will confront him and if he can't come clean, I will separate and/or divorce him. I have already spoken to an attorney so I know my rights and what needs to be done.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

woogy said:


> No I don't badly want to believe him. In the beginning yes I did. But now that I found out some of the lies, I will confront him and if he can't come clean, I will separate and/or divorce him. I have already spoken to an attorney so I know my rights and what needs to be done.


You're not understanding what Kasler is saying. Initiate the divorce proceeding now and stop it only when he shows remorse. Remember WS has lot of time to prepare their agenda whereas for BS, very less. Use this forum, read stories and overall take actions.Talk less, act more!!!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

woogy said:


> No I don't badly want to believe him. In the beginning yes I did. But now that I found out some of the lies, I will confront him and if he can't come clean, I will separate and/or divorce him. I have already spoken to an attorney so I know my rights and what needs to be done.


You do, otherwise you would've already filed for divorce, not waiting for the 'the truth' out of a proven liar and whom you have no way of verifying said 'truth' in the first place.

Talk means nothing, its the actions that count. 

A lot of betrayed spouses, myself included, will always tell themselves they do this and that, they 'won't stand for this' or that and more often than not they end up doing nothing and never follow through on anything they stated.

Talk is cheap.

So far what I see is you waiting on some sort of confrontation so you can to 'react' to whatever he does which is a problem. You need to be the one to be taking action, not just reacting to whatever he does. 

You're putting yourself in the passengers seat. 

Try to be in the Driver's seat. By that I mean making ultimatums and delivering them. 

A poster by the name of Gabriel has a wife who tried to stay friends with her emotional affair partner. He realized the damage it was doing to the marriage and told her either the friend goes or they divorce. Yes or no answer. His ultimatum was successful, rough but OM has been dropped and from a recent update they are doing better. 

This is the kind of action you need. I understand woogy, trust me I do. I did a similar confrontation with my ex fiancee and told her if she did not love me we had to split up. We didn't as she just said she did love me and I believed her. Why? Because I only had words to go on, just like in your situation.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

kasler said:


> you do, elsewise you would've already filed for divorce, not waiting for the 'the truth' out of a proven liar and whom you have no way of verifying said 'truth' in the first place.


*
bingo!*


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Well I will be filing for divorce asap. Last night my h decided instead of coming home after work he went to the bar. I told him I see where I stand in his life since he won't see me for the next week but decided not to come home and spend time with me before I left. Of course he got mad and tells me he only stopped for one drink. I knew that was a lie because of how late it was. I told him Im tired of his lies and he had the nerve to say he's never lied to me. That's when I went off and told him I logged into his email and the game account and see the woman he had relationships with and that he never deleted the last ones contact info like he told me he did. That's when he called me a f*cking c*nt and hit me. That was the last straw. I told him I was going to call the cops and you know what he was worried about, losing his job if he goes to jail!! The only reason I didn't call was I want him to keep his job so he can pay me child support. I took pictures of my split eye for proof of abuse if he tries to fight me for custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

woogy said:


> .... he called me a f*cking c*nt *and hit me.* That was the last straw. I told him I was going to call the cops and you know what he was worried about, losing his job if he goes to jail!! The only reason I didn't call was I want him to keep his job so he can pay me child support.* I took pictures of my split eye* for proof of abuse if he tries to fight me for custody.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why oh why didn't you call the cops?! 
Child support? Really? Not a chance. This loser will rarely pay. He'll disappear first. Don't you know that! I know it and I've only known him through your posts for the last 15 minutes. 

Call the cops today! Otherwise you just gave him permission to haul off and physically hurt the mother of his children - he's already screwed around with your head so much that you you don't know which way is up.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

woogy said:


> That's when he called me a f*cking c*nt and hit me. That was the last straw. I told him I was going to call the cops and you know what he was worried about, losing his job if he goes to jail!! The only reason I didn't call was I want him to keep his job so he can pay me child support.* I took pictures of my split eye for proof of abuse if he tries to fight me for custody.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the very reason you _should_ call the cops and file a report. Having a record of DV will all but guarantee you custody. He's gonna be on the hook for child support no matter what.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

In most jurisdictions you have 24 hrs to report w/ no questions asked. Ask for a temporay restraining order/order of protection immediately.

If not for yourself then do it for your kids. Your kids need a healthy mom.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> In most jurisdictions you have 24 hrs to report w/ no questions asked. Ask for a temporay restraining order/order of protection immediately.
> 
> If not for yourself then do it for your kids. Your kids need a healthy mom.


Well Im not even in my home state now. I'm on vacation with the kids for Christmas visiting my family. He's suppose to move out while we are gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

woogy said:


> Well I will be filing for divorce asap. Last night my h decided instead of coming home after work he went to the bar. I told him I see where I stand in his life since he won't see me for the next week but decided not to come home and spend time with me before I left. Of course he got mad and tells me he only stopped for one drink. I knew that was a lie because of how late it was. I told him Im tired of his lies and he had the nerve to say he's never lied to me. That's when I went off and told him I logged into his email and the game account and see the woman he had relationships with and that he never deleted the last ones contact info like he told me he did. That's when he called me a f*cking c*nt and hit me. That was the last straw. I told him I was going to call the cops and you know what he was worried about, losing his job if he goes to jail!! The only reason I didn't call was I want him to keep his job so he can pay me child support. I took pictures of my split eye for proof of abuse if he tries to fight me for custody.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Woogy, 

Why are you allowing this?? He is physically abusing you in front of your children. Please contact your counsellor asap!! He hit you and verbally abused you. Do you want to die trying to save him?? He has created his problems. If he's man enough to hit a woman after cheating on her then he's man enough to pack his bags, leave, and fix his sh*t on his own. 

Run to your parents and let them know you and the kids are not safe. 

This b*stard you call a husband is using you. Please read up on co-dependency. You have allowed this for too long....


ETA. Just read that he is moving out. Good!! This is where your willpower and self esteem (self worth) will be tested. He will beg, plead and say all the right things to prove to you he has changed. In reality, he is the same person, he just realized his options are limited. For someone to really change, it takes *years*!! Years of intensive counseling and self reflection. Not an overnight epiphany. 

Remember, actions speak louder than words!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

woogy said:


> Well Im not even in my home state now. I'm on vacation with the kids for Christmas visiting my family. He's suppose to move out while we are gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you're safely away. Your parents must be seething. If you were me sister or daughter I would be driving as fast as I could to your home to give this azzhole a chance to take a poke at this old man. 

You must still have some physical signs of abuse. Go the the local police station and see if you can file a report that can be faxed to the PD in your hometown. Do not let this go. 

It's not about 'payback' it's about justice and upholding some sort of moral code you can pass on to your children. Actions have consequences.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I'm glad you're safely away. Your parents must be seething. If you were me sister or daughter I would be driving as fast as I could to your home to give this azzhole a chance to take a poke at this old man.
> 
> You must still have some physical signs of abuse. Go the the local police station and see if you can file a report that can be faxed to the PD in your hometown. Do not let this go.
> 
> It's not about 'payback' it's about justice and upholding some sort of moral code you can pass on to your children. Actions have consequences.


Agree completely. You MUST have this documented in some form or fashion for future proceedings. I think you'll find the cops very sympathetic and very helpful....no matter where you are.

Please get on this. He's controlling you through fear and abuse. It's time to put an end to this crap.

So sorry for you're having to deal with. Hang in there.


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