# How long until you considered yourself single?



## RisingSun

How long after your separation/divorce until you considered yourself single?

I'm going through a second separation. My stbxw has left our marriage... again. It's been six weeks this round, and while I'm not ready to date, I am curious to read answers to the question. I know this will no doubt vary for many.


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## tech-novelist

In my case, the answer would be either "1 second" or "not at all", depending on how you look at it.

But I was already living with my STBW at that point, so I'm probably not in your target audience.


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## sixty-eight

RisingSun said:


> How long after your separation/divorce until you considered yourself single?
> 
> I'm going through a second separation. My stbxw has left our marriage... again. It's been six weeks this round, and while I'm not ready to date, I am curious to read answers to the question. I know this will no doubt vary for many.


We're still living together, separate bedrooms, until the lease runs out. We've been living like roommates for a few months already. We consider ourselves single now, no dates in the mutual house or around the kids until after the divorce is final.


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## SecondTime'Round

You're single. But that doesn't always mean ready to mingle. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## RisingSun

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're single. But that doesn't always mean ready to mingle.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


Great way to put it!


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## DTO

RisingSun said:


> How long after your separation/divorce until you considered yourself single?
> 
> I'm going through a second separation. My stbxw has left our marriage... again. It's been six weeks this round, and while I'm not ready to date, I am curious to read answers to the question. I know this will no doubt vary for many.


As soon as the moving van left.


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## kristin2349

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're single. But that doesn't always mean ready to mingle.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk



I agree with STR, I've been "single" for a while now but I was married for about 20 years so it is taking time to sink in. It varies for everyone, take your time to heal from your old relationship before getting into something new.


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## Dude007

RisingSun said:


> How long after your separation/divorce until you considered yourself single?
> 
> I'm going through a second separation. My stbxw has left our marriage... again. It's been six weeks this round, and while I'm not ready to date, I am curious to read answers to the question. I know this will no doubt vary for many.


I think it mainly depends on your personality type. If you are deeply emotional, you are probably looking at 2-3 years. If you are Logic based, maybe six months. It would also depend on how disconnected you were already in your marriage. Dude


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## Nomorebeans

kristin2349 said:


> I agree with STR, I've been "single" for a while now but I was married for about 20 years so it is taking time to sink in. It varies for everyone, take your time to heal from your old relationship before getting into something new.


Ditto.

It's going to take some (more) time for me, too. Separated in May, divorce was final in July. I didn't want either of them - he walked away to an OW. After 25 years - literally half my life - married to him.

I've only very recently begun to accept the fact that I am divorced - it's just something I avoided thinking about until a few weeks or so ago. I don't see being ready to date in my very near future, and I'm fine with that. It wouldn't be fair to anyone worthwhile to be with me right now, anyway. Like Kristin said, I need to heal and deal with my demons properly before I thrust that stuff, so to speak, upon someone else.


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## Mr.Fisty

Right away. If one person leaves or ends the relationship, then who are you in a relationship with? It takes another person to be an active participant. Nor would I feel guilty if I slept with another person on the same day as my primary relationship ended, just like she would be free to do so as well.

If we were to get back together, those others we slept with would be past relationships, none of that retro-jealousy. Honestly, how can one cheat on a non existent partner, forcing someone to be in a relationship with another. I like my relationship by choice.

If there is an agreement not to date, then that would be cheating. Depends on each person really. Some people even after divorce, get back together eventually, still feel like their partner cheated on them when they were divorced. I am not down with that possessive bullsh1t.


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## Ynot

I wore my wedding ring up to the day that we filed. I didn't date until after the divorce was final and when I did it was WAY too soon. About 4 months later I got involved with a woman, but I was still haunted by the ghosts of my marriage. It really wasn't until about 9 months out that I started to consider myself single. Now I am over a year out. I still have moments when I think I am still beholden to her in some way, but in general I now consider myself single and free to explore the world again.


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## happy as a clam

The day I filed I considered myself single.

The day I signed the final divorce decree I DEFINITELY considered myself single.


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## Married but Happy

If you mean how you think of yourself - then it's whenever you want to. If it's how you portray yourself to others, then the honest answer is either separated or divorced - never single, IMO.


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## bkyln309

I considered myself single the day I signed (I wouldnt date before then). But I was ready during the separation.


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## RisingSun

The first time my stbxw left our marriage it took me 8 months to feel like I was ready to move on. And I did, after an old acquaintance contacted me and we dated for a couple of months. My stbxw wanted me back all of a sudden (imagine that?). I was really messed up, broke up with my gf and my stbxw and I reconciled. I took about eight months to make sure she really wanted me and us to resume a life together. Twenty eight months later she left our marriage again... same pattern, same reasons. I should have believed her the first time when she said I wasn't the guy for her. It's been six weeks since she left and while it's getting better, some days are rough.

I'm not ready to date, and won't be for a while. I feel in some kind of limbo right now, not feeling married and not feeling single, either. FOr now I'm working on myself, losing weight and getting fit, getting used to living alone again (no kids) and starting to reconnect with friends. All good. As much as I miss my sybxw, the emotional trust is gone, and I can't and won't go through this roller coaster ride again.

We'll see how I feel in April when spring gets here. Might be ready to date then and feel more like a single man.


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## Nomorebeans

I have to say I really kind of hate the word "single." To me, it sounds desperate. Maybe because when I first found out about my ex's affair, I looked the OW up on Facebook, and that's how she listed her relationship status. Truth is, she was married to her husband, the father of her two grown children, for 30 years, and he was killed in a car accident two years ago. Why call yourself single on Facebook, unless you're looking to hook up?

I didn't like calling myself single 28 years ago when I was fresh out of college and dating. We didn't really use that word. Someone who wanted to ask me out would say "Are you seeing anyone?" not "Are you single?"

I don't feel married anymore in the sense that I'd feel guilty if I happened to meet the man of my dreams tomorrow and start dating him. But I don't feel "single," either.


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## where_are_we

The day I kicked him out of the house...we were single. 

Definitely the day the divorce became final.

Although I have not dated yet and it has been 8 months we have been apart.


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## Wolf1974

The moment I walked out of the courtroom. I refused to be like my X wife and date prior to divorce


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## EnigmaGirl

I considered myself alone the last 10 years of my first marriage.

I considered myself single the second I was able to get legally separated.


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## Hopeful Cynic

I considered myself single the day my ex told me the marriage was over, that the reconciliation had been false.

In retrospect, I had been single ever since my ex's affair started, I just didn't know it yet.

However, have you noticed the government never considers us single ever again though? I have to tick the 'divorced' box on forms, not the 'single' box.


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## Wolf1974

Nomorebeans said:


> I have to say I really kind of hate the word "single." To me, it sounds desperate. Maybe because when I first found out about my ex's affair, I looked the OW up on Facebook, and that's how she listed her relationship status. Truth is, she was married to her husband, the father of her two grown children, for 30 years, and he was killed in a car accident two years ago. Why call yourself single on Facebook, unless you're looking to hook up?
> 
> I didn't like calling myself single 28 years ago when I was fresh out of college and dating. We didn't really use that word. Someone who wanted to ask me out would say "Are you seeing anyone?" not "Are you single?"
> 
> I don't feel married anymore in the sense that I'd feel guilty if I happened to meet the man of my dreams tomorrow and start dating him. But I don't feel "single," either.


Interesting how different people have different philosophies on word use. I love the word single and love being it. The word I hate is divorced. It has such a negative stigma to it. Makes me feel like a failure even though it was my X that gave up and not me.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Interesting how different people have different philosophies on word use. I love the word single and love being it. The word I hate is divorced. It has such a negative stigma to it. Makes me feel like a failure even though it was my X that gave up and not me.


Interesting. I loved when I could say that I was divorced because it was finally over. I hated saying "separated"...it was vague and ambiguous. When I finally got my divorce decree, it was awesome. I didn't feel like I failed...I felt like I had reached the top of a mountain and could scream in freedom.


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## Openminded

Wolf1974 said:


> Interesting how different people have different philosophies on word use. I love the word single and love being it. The word I hate is divorced. It has such a negative stigma to it. Makes me feel like a failure even though it was my X that gave up and not me.


It is interesting. I had a marriage that lasted more than four decades and I prefer saying I'm divorced. To me, staying in a bad marriage would have been a failure -- not getting out.


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## SadandAngry

She took the younger kids and moved to her Mother's on Nov. 1. I was the last to know. Again. That's just how she works. I offered reconciliation, again, knowing I'd be the one having to do all the work. Four years out from her affair, I probably could have managed to put in the effort now, without getting sidetracked with anger and resentment (it doesn't do anyone any good, but you still feel it, still have to deal with it, together or apart). Having said that, I spent most of the last summer deeply depressed, unable to do much beyond going to work, and getting by. I chalk that up to feeling trapped in my marriage to a person seemingly incapable of stepping up to do more than the barest minimum to save it herself. As soon as she left, my depression lifted. Within two weeks, my anxiety about divorcing disappeared as well. I'm free. I've been emotionally distancing myself for four years. I know I'm a good person, a decent human. I'm getting things done that I've needed to do for years. I don't need a relationship, I'm good, I'm great on my own. I know that. I know the things I could have done to solidify and save my marriage, but did not want to, because she never demonstrated that she was worthy of the effort. That I would be anything but taken for granted. Someone else will get the benefits of the lessons I've learned learned. That's fine with me. It takes one year to get divorced in my jurisdiction, and nothing will stop that as far I I'm concerned. She talked herself right out of any opportunity to rescue any relationship more extensive than coparents. I had my first date exactly one month after she moved out. I'm figuring out online dating, and I've got to say, it seems that a lot of the, erm, males, online make it really easy to stand out, and not seem like a complete moron in comparison.


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## arbitrator

*In both divorces, I considered myself a single man as soon as the courtroom gavel hit the hardwood bench, telling me of my newfounded emancipation!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007

I would have never in a million years thought to wait for the gavel to hit to consider myself single. When my first wife asked to separate we had a fling off and on but once I told her I'm going to file, I was single and free to date. The divorce was more of a legal maneuver to protect myself financially and get child support formalized. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

Openminded said:


> It is interesting. I had a marriage that lasted more than four decades and I prefer saying I'm divorced. To me, staying in a bad marriage would have been a failure -- not getting out.


Yep takes all types to make the world go round


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## Bananapeel

I considered myself single the moment I walked out of the court house. Until then I considered myself married and wouldn't date anyone else, just in the off chance that we were to both have a last minute change of heart.


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## Bibi1031

About 6 months after he left, I felt ready to go out there and give dating an honest try. My separation and divorce took almost 2 years. For me that was too long a wait to put my life on hold. He was long gone by the time D-day happened. His affair was an exit affair. So no sense in contemplating false hope as reconciliation was not a card on my table.

I filed two weeks after D-day. No regrets as to not waiting. His family had a history of going through midlife crisis as soon as they hit 40. My X was no different. His two brothers before him ditched the wife and kids for a much younger woman; I knew my X's path to destruction was no different.


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## SARAHMCD

The day I left the house and we were officially separated, I considered myself "single". We had been disconnected for several years so this was not a surprise or a shock to the system, for either of us. Moving out and removing the wedding ring meant our vows were broken; I no longer needed to remain celibate. 

It seems to depend on how the marriage ended, who ended it, and it there is any hope of reconciliation. For those who know there's no turning back, they will likely move on quicker. 

Moving on, doesn't necessarily mean dating or a new relationship. Everyone has their own timetable for that. Personally, I had catching up to do - it had been a long time without affection, sex or any kind of personal connection so I was anxious to get started, maybe too anxious. No regrets though.


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