# Impossible to start over



## emily73

About six weeks ago I had to get an 18 month restraining order against my husband, who pulled my down to the ground in what was the final straw of living with his violent rages issues (that was the first time he actually hit me, but he often threatened to, and came close to it many times in the past). He always told me he hated the entire world except for me, and I just tried to deny it because I liked hanging out with him, etc, even though there were red flags along the way like how he would become enraged at any car on the road and say very specific sometimes racial insults and would scream about the ways he would kill the driver. We also always argued bc he wouldn't let the argument be over until I agreed with him that he was right and did what he said. It was an emotionally abusive relationship (he would put me down constantly and call me names and always said how stupid I was (I have a graduate degree). But since I got the restraining order and he moved out I've found that I am suddenly without any trace of the life I had and I am missing it, even though I know most of it was bad for me. We both worked from home until he was unemployed and then he was at home while I worked so, for the past several years, every day we were together almost 24/7. Like I mentioned, he hated people, so, over the course of our 6 years of being together, I lost touch with what few friends I had. Now I am rudderless, floating on an empty sea of loneliness, and, except for my job, feel like I am completely without a purpose or a direction and almost like I'm without any identity, as I had been extremely codependent (he wasn't; he spent a lot of time chatting on the internet with his film buff internet friends). I've tried going to church alone which is ok and started group therapy on my own (my husband got kicked out of couples therapy because, during the sessions, he would be emotionally abusive towards me and people thought he might hurt our therapist)... but so far, except for my family members, who are supportive but have their own busy lives, I haven't made any connections to anyone at all and only talk to the occasional barista or person who I get my lunch from. Since I office from home, I don't have little daily work interactions, either. Here's the thing: with my husband there, I knew what our problems were, and, though it was an intolerable situation towards the end, he was familiar and he was my home. Now I find things equally intolerable, just in a different way (no one familiar to talk to or hang out with or go places with, long days stretching into lonely nights and evenings). What I want to know is, how do people cope with this aspect of divorce and separation (bc we are getting a divorce in about two months)? How do you deal with the being alone and on your own all of a sudden in life? I know my case is a bit unusual, in that I barely talk to anyone, but I'm guessing that other people who have gone through divorce, suddenly having to contemplate and confront a future without their husband or wife by their side as they had planned must have experienced something similar to this feeling of aloneness. Any suggestions for ways to cope/move on/and start a new life (and heal at the same time)? Thanks for any suggestions!


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## citygirl4344

I'm sorry that you are going through this...but good for you for trying to move forward. I know it's hard after what you've been through.
What about joining a gym or something?
I find the exercise is a good way to get out stressors and worries and you might meet some people.
I'm glad to hear that you are in group therapy...lots to sort through and definitely can't be done on your own.


Sent from my iPhone


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## emily73

thanks for your suggestion, city girl. Might try that next. Have been running in the mornings at the track and that gives me a good feeling for a bit so maybe a gym would offer the same feeling, but also, like you said, with the opportunity for meeting more people. Appreciate the support a lot.


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## jld

Keep seeking out social interaction. And stay away from him.

It will get better, Emily. You just need time.


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## Vinnydee

I can suggest what worked for my wife's friend who divorced an abusive and alcoholic man. She went online to one of the major dating sites and found a new husband that is mild mannered and supports her well. In fact, we know several people who have married those that they found online and they are all still married. I have to be married. I cannot envision a life alone. There are many good men out there that would make a great husband for you if you look. You mentioned church so you can try the Christian Mingle website. One of my co-workers met a women with 3 kids there and they are currently in Hawaii right now celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary. You hold your future in your own hands and with the internet you can meet people with the traits you want and not have to hang out in bars. The best part is that you can reject or accept dates on your terms. Just a word of advice if you go this route, be specific about what you are looking for and what you like. You might have to date a few frogs before you find your prince but it is better than sitting home alone.


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## citygirl4344

@Emily 73
How are things going?


Sent from my iPhone


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