# children & divorce



## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

I am separated, my daughter lives with my wife. We live in different towns but close together. My wife has said there is to be no contact except for when it concerns my daughter. Obviuosly I want to be with her as much as I can. My question is this: For those of you that have done this, how do you separate the " it's for the child" from, it's for me when she is making requests? I have no intentions on ever withholding anything from my daughter but on the same hand I don't want my wife to benefit unnecessarily from the situation.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What kind of requests is she making?


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

she wants to have my daughter have a sleepover with me because she has plans. her plans fell through and now there is no sleepover. I'm happy with what I get. So far that is the only one, but, I know that it is coming. I just want to be prepared with some examples.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm confused, what would she benefit from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you mean, she is just using you as a babysitter?

You need to have an agreement in writing drawn up and signed by a judge that states when each of you have the kid(s) and for what holidays and everything. It is NOT up to your wife who has her when.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

I know this situation all too well and in the end, it will be your daughter caught in the middle and upset with one or both of you . I've seen it with my daughter and her absent bio-dad.

There has to be ground rules. ex: If your ex says that your daughter's sleeping over because she has plans, she gets to sleep over REGARDLESS. Plans fell through? Daughter should still get to sleep over at your place. 

Children should not be used as pawns.. I've witnessed my poor daughter's heart break over idiocy like this and now she wants NOTHING to do with her bio-dad. NOTHING.

I hope you and your ex can find some common ground because if it's hard on you, I can assure you that it's harder on your daughter .


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

no way-- if she planned the 'sleepover', told your daughter about it, and you agreed to it, that should stand regardless if her plans fall through.


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## FrogLover (Mar 9, 2012)

That sucks. She should stick to the plan. You shouldn't have to beg her for access to your daughter. I'm sorry.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

You all make good points. So far we have had success, granted it hasn't been a week yet. I don't like to put her in the middle at all. I feel lucky for what time I do get. I suppose once we get to mediation that would be the time to get it in stone. Do you think that a set schedule is better than a constantly changing one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I divorced my son's father when my son was in second grade. He's 23 now.

From my experience a set schedule is the only way to go. Without that you cannot plan your life in advance, you will be fighting constantly. Look at what happened with the situation that you talk about in the OP.

Holidays get really hard without a set schedule because generally both parents want the child(ren) during the prime hours for a holiday.

Of course even with a set schedule there is room for compromise from time to time. For example when my ex traveled he would ask me if I could keep our son while he was gone. Also when my husband's sister was in town I would let my son go stay with his dad even on my time so he could visit with his aunt, uncle and cousins.


The longer you go with out a time sharing plan and depend on your wife's good graces to allow you to see your child, the more you jeapordize the amount of time you will be able have with your child. You should probabl see an attorney asap to get an interim time sharing plan in place that allows for 50/50 custody and time sharing.


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