# Maybe not BPD...but what?



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi all, I'm new here, and yep, I'm married! 

We've been married for almost 22 years with 3 kids and things are not good. I've been online reading about divorce for weeks, actually on and off for a couple of years but more intensely lately. After doing some reading here I think I've figured out that hubs has issues...and not just ordinary issues. I think he may have some kind of mental or emotional condition but I'm not quite sure what it would be. The one condition I really see mentioned on this forum a lot is BPD but I don't think it quite fits. Although I am brand spanking new to the topic.

Things have been slowly going down hill for us over the past several years. It's been me slowly withdrawing over time and it's now to the point where all feelings of respect/tenderness for him are gone. We have not had sex in over three years. He's played to many mind games over the years and hasn't grown emotionally at all. He's 42 years old and still throws tantrums like a six year old. He just doesn't seem to get how his behavior/attitude can be what has turned me off.

I've been spending a lot of time looking back over the years. He's always done things that make him seem insecure. He's constantly seeking approval from others, like he needs their attention to feel validated. He can be very socially awkard at times but only when he's feeling threatened by someone around him who seems vivacious or intelligent. He'll begin to stutter some of his words, I know when this is happening this is a sign that's he's under lots of pressure, like he feels that he needs to impress this person but his attempts always end with him stuttering, him loosing track of his thoughts mid-sentence and he'll use his key word phrase "ya know?". That key word phrase is what lets me know he's experiencing humiliation. The thing is though he does this to himself, no one is putting him under pressure to project this image of _________ fill in the blank. I'm not even sure how he's coming up with these supposed images he's supposed to be projecting. It's sad and pathetic to watch this grown man doing this to himself. What is this behavior?

Looking back over the years I see now that things that he had me do for him were because he didn't have the balls to do them himself. We're talking simple things, like asking a waitress at a restaurant for ketchup. He would ask me to catch the waitress when I saw her walk by and ask for it. If I didn't see her as she walked by he wouldn't say anything to her, he'd just let her walk by and then proceed to chew me a new one. This happened over and over and over for years in different situations and places until I finally said something. Then wham!, he never asked me again. He all of a sudden seemed fine with doing it himself. What the heck? I don't understand why he would do any of this. 

He does so many things that scream out passive/timid/afraid but to hear him talk about these things... he kicked ass. He's Mr. tough guy USA. When he's telling me a story about something that happened at work and he begins to stutter that's when I know he's full of it, he's lying to make himself look tough/smart/or whatever it is he needs to feel that day. He's always seeking out attention in any way he can get it. The guy has very low self esteem and I can't understand why. He's good looking and has a great family and a great job, he's successful as far as life goes. He could be one hell of a man but he seems to be so fragile.

Speaking of fragile, he doesn't handle stress well at all at times. Any amount of it, when he's in what seems to be like a mood of sorts. He literally crumbles/falls apart and becomes helpless. I've always had to step in and take care of things when he's going through what ever it is that makes him do this.

It's the fact that he seems to be so weak on the inside but yet tries to present himself as something else, tough/take charge and what not, that has taken it's toll on me. After 22 years I'm just now figuring this out. Why didn't I see all of this sooner? 

What ever it is that's going on with him causes him to blame others for things, he doesn't know how to take responsibility for things, like he doesn't know it's ok to make mistakes, more than ok. He can't stand being seen at fault for something. His behavior causes him to be manipulative with me because he can't admit he's to weak or afraid to do something.

We had an argument a few months back that did a lot of damage. He wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do. I stated that he obviously didn't want to do it either. With as much bravado as he could muster he stated he had no problem doing it himself. I still refused to do it. He then began hurling insults, things he's never said before. Maybe he thought getting really mean would make me do it? This told me that he really badly did not want to do this thing. So the biggest fight of our 22 years together was over something that he wanted me to do, that I didn't want to do, that he had no problem doing himself. And that whole fight was my fault of course. He walked around for days acting like he had been devastatingly injured by it. He crossed a line that time, there was a fundamental change that occurred within me. Something that was well on it's way to dying, died. I cannot help to see him now as pathetic.

I've decided I will not leave just yet though. No way in hell am I leaving my kids subject to his issues after a divorce and he gets them 50/50. I'm going to stay in the marriage for my kids and continue to be the buffer I have to be between him and the kids. The kids see none of this, their dad is normal in their eyes, so a divorce would tear them up. It kills me that it's seen as normal.

One more thing, that I normally wouldn't mention because it's personal, but I'm trying to put this all out there in hopes of someone recognizing what this issue is. He's always been a premature ejaculator, never out grew it. I don't know for sure but I suspect it's a part of the whole picture. And on that front he's never been able to admit that it's part of why we don't have sex anymore. He blames me for giving up on sex.

I hope this isn't sounding to disjointed. I got to typing and the thoughts and words began to flow very quickly. I hope someone here will recognize what it is that's going on with my husband. I need to understand what it is I've been living with all these years. I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for reading!


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

I'm not necessarily trying to place a label on my husband. I do wonder though if there is a chance that he's got something going on psychologically that's not what the average person experiences. I do wonder if he's just plain and simply insecure and all of his behavior stems from that, albeit in a moderate to severe manner. Maybe the answer is simple and maybe it's not. I don't know.

I have never stated any of these thoughts to my husband. Even before I began to look at this from a mental/emotional condition perspective, when I just thought he was a manipulative jerk, I never pointed out his behavior to him. I have literally kept this all to myself for years. 

For a while I thought maybe it was me. I thought maybe he wasn't what was making me unhappy and perhaps I was being a hyper critical biotch and whatever was making me unhappy had me demonizing him in my mind. It's gotten to wear I dread him coming home from work though. I don't want to be around him. I'm miserable when I'm around him. I constantly worry that the kids are going to say something to set off one of his moods and then we'll be stuck having to deal with his silent treatment for the rest of the evening. He uses silence as a weapon. Everyone knows there's something wrong but everyone acts like it's not there. I usually ignore it, I see it as attention seeking behavior and I refuse to acknowledge it. The kids know better than to say anything. If I reach my limit and say something, ask him what's wrong, I'm told it's nothing or he's just tired. BS and everyone in the house knows it. I'm so sick of it.

This obviously isn't healthy.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

I've been reading a little bit about passive aggressive personalities and that seems to fit much better.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I think PA sounds right. What was it that he wanted you to do?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Definitely passive/aggressive. I was married to one for 20 years and now can spot them a mile off. Same as you, sexless marriage, no tenderness, married to a little boy.

I got out.

Like you, I stayed far too long thinking I would "be the buffer" for my kids too. I ended up leaving when my kids were 15 and 17. You know what I found out? Once I left, that whole sick PA dynamic ended. My kids were far better off with only one or the other parent around. He never did to them what he did to me, in terms of passive aggressiveness. He is a good father, just a lousy husband.

Premature ejaculation is one of the hallmarks of the PA. They never grow up. They never give you what you want. They play endless mind games to f*ck with you. Everything is twisted and distorted through their skewed lens. The manipulation and reverse-psychology they employ is enough to set Sigmund Freud rolling. Please read my thread on TAM; our situations are so similar it's eerie: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/156297-those-low-sex-marriage-considering-leaving.html

Rethink your decision to "stay for the kids." You are modeling a very unhealthy, twisted marriage for them and it is doing much harm. Kids grow up and repeat the same unhealthy dynamics even though they swear they won't be like their parents. My kids tell me all the time they wish we had divorced sooner. They respect me and are thrilled to see me happy and in a very healthy relationship now. Remember, kids are very perceptive. You are not fooling them by smoothing things over. There is a hefty price to pay when the piper comes calling...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Willowlake said:


> We've been married for almost 22 years....Things have been slowly going down hill for us over the past several years.


Willow, if your H suffers from strong traits of BPD (or any other PD), those traits would not remain hidden for years. Rather, they typically start showing strongly in the early teens and then remain strong and persistent. Granted, they likely would disappear for 4 to 6 months during the courtship period but then, as soon as his infatuation evaporates, his fears -- and, hence, his traits -- would return. Hence, your description of a 22 year marriage going down hill "over the past several years" seems inconsistent with a personality disorder.


> The one condition I really see mentioned on this forum a lot is BPD but I don't think it quite fits.


You seem to be describing a H who was *stable and pleasant* for 19 years and, then in the last three years, has been *stable and passive *aggressive. That is, he has been consistently good for many years and then recently switched to being consistently passive aggressive for 3 years. 

I mention this because, if he were a BPDer, you would be seeing no consistency. Instead, you would be seeing an emotionally unstable man who, when triggered, will flip in seconds between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). You also likely would be seeing a strong fear of abandonment (evident in irrational jealousy, endless loyalty testing, and controlling behavior), which you don't mention. If you would like to read about BPD warning signs, I provide a list of them in my post at 18 Warning Signs.


> He's 42 years old and still throws tantrums like a six year old.


Throwing tantrums is one of the classic warning signs for BPD but, as I noted above, you should also be seeing most other BPD warning signs too if he has strong BPD traits. Moreover, they would have been persistent over your 22 year marriage if he has strong traits of the disorder. If they have not been persistent, what you may be seeing is a temporary flareup of the traits of BPD or another PD. All of us occasionally exhibit BPD traits and, under certain circumstances such as a hormone change, we may exhibit strong BPD traits for several years.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The most telling sign may be emotional maturity or lack thereof. Does he have the maturity to understand that things in our lives are not like Sim City? 

I don't see as much BPD as I see other issues, like anger, aggression (passive and otherwise) and so on. 

But tell me this. If you haven't had sex in three years and you have pretty much written him off, for whatever reason, physically and emotionally, how do you expect him to not act like this?

Have you thought about counseling? Do you ever give positive feedback if/when he does something right? Is he a good father? 

Do you see any conditions or behavior changes that would result in a Hail Mary? How much worse would it need to get before you bail out?

Can you find any common ground between the two of you to enable him to receive some positive rewards from the relationship? There has to be a way out of the funk. 

Is he college educated? Does he understand reason and rational thought at his work? 

I know, lots of questions...


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

I was so looking forward to talking with you all and getting some advice and opinions. He found out I joined here and so my journey here now ends. I'm hoping he doesn't find this particular post and see us in it. Hence my reason for not giving out specific details. Thank you all for replying, I really do appreciate it very much.

Perhaps maybe a mod can delete this thread for me and I can try again at a later point in time? That would be great.


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