# Testosterone is fine, still no sex..



## sufferinginsilence (May 22, 2012)

Here is my story...

I have been married to my husband for 6 years. The latter 4 of which, I have gotten sex between 3 times per year (on average). I have asked him for sex, he says no. He teases me and builds me up for sex and then nothing. This happens multiple times a week.
We have no passion. I get a peck for a kiss. I ask him if we could make out like we used to, just be passionate, I have asked him to at least pretend to like to be passionate with me, he says no, it makes him feel "silly" to do such things with me.
When we do have sex, we don't even kiss at all, it feels mechanical, like a chore an then I feel like a hooker an used for when he was ready to do it, as long as it was his way. I will strip down naked and walk around, lingerie, porn, anything I have tried.
I have asked him if there was someone else..? He said no. Gay? No. Depressed? No. I asked him to get checked out by a doctor and maybe it was physical.. He said no. 
He was angry all the time. Had to know where I was all of the time. I had to check in with him, give him the address of where I was, I had to return his calls and texts in a timely manner unless i was working with a client making him money (in which case, I was forgiven) etc.. 
I finally had it. Started drinking a lot. Throwing myself into work, friends, and the gym. Boy did he not like this life of my own. 
Finally he broke my trust by hacking into my email reading a convo chat log I had with a gay friend who he did not know was gay. It was overly friendly (whereas my gay and I have silly pet names for each other, but that's it). He threatened to kill himself over my "cheating". 
That's when he realized he needed help. He needed counseling and to see a doctor. He saw a counselor but it lasted about 5 sessions. He went to a doctor and found out he had low testosterone. 
He injects himself with testosterone every other week and has done it for the last year now. I have now gotten sex about 4 times since then. Doctor says testosterone levels are high and definitely where they should be. So I am confused. 
He is only 31. I weigh much less than when we dated and got married. I look so much better. I have confidence. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me daily.
Overall I think we get a long but I was trying to compromise with him and while he got help I would let him know my detailed whereabouts and check in. I would tell him what I spent money on (including the most ridiculous thing called lunch and if I ate with anyone) I no longer hang out with my girlfriends, not even my cousin who I'm close with because he says they are all bad influences on me and doesn't like me confiding or talking to them. I'm trying so hard to do hat makes him happy. Why can't he try just as hard?
I JUST NEED TO GET LAID!
I give him many blow jobs a month. At least 1-2 a week. With nothing in return. 
And a quite personal tidbit, after we were married we both found out that we got the hpv virus. It could have come from either one of us, but figured it didn't matter at this point anymore. The last few months he said he had a small wart and didn't wanna pass it back to me. WTF? I already have the virus.. Who cares? Also I know it doesn't take that long to fix. What gives?

Where is the compromise? I am seeing all me and not him.. I see he still injects himself but I don't see what good it's doing me or us...

Please help with any insight or suggestions as to why this may be. Are you experiencing this too? Anything!


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would say honestly quit giving him the blow jobs... I know that sounds wrong but if you are getting NOTHING in return, and you are satisfying him.... why? Make him want you again, he has no reason to want you because you are getting him off twice a week..... just my opinion. 
Otherwise.... I would say you need to communicate how deeply this is affecting you and that you are considering ending your marriage or seeking an open relationship, maybe then he will wake up, or tell you the real reason? people do have different drives, however in your case, the things that glares at me, is that you are satisfying him twice a week with your mouth.


----------



## sufferinginsilence (May 22, 2012)

You would be right, except I've tried that multiple times for months at a time and he gets grumpy all the time, and still withholds from me. So I know it doesn't help, but I also know its not the answer.


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

OH. I was thinking maybe that was it... well maybe explain to him that sex is how a woman feels emotional connection in a relationship... give him an example of a friend who sought it outside of the relationship and open the discussion that way and say you know I've really been thinking about this in a different light, what am i missing from you, or that you need, so that I can get my needs met?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Usually when someone is cheating they suddenly be concerned that the other person is cheating too. That's a huge red flag. Have you asked him to tell you where he goes and hacked into his email? 
This sound very suspicious to me. 
Stop giving him blow jobs unless he gets you off first. 
Honestly I would go to the infidelity forum and see what they say and how to figure out if he is cheating on you. 
Also he sounds very abusive and passive aggressive. You aren't allowed to be you, that's not right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Usually when someone is cheating they suddenly be concerned that the other person is cheating too. That's a huge red flag. Have you asked him to tell you where he goes and hacked into his email?
> This sound very suspicious to me.
> Stop giving him blow jobs unless he gets you off first.
> Honestly I would go to the infidelity forum and see what they say and how to figure out if he is cheating on you.
> ...


Interesting take on that... I missed that flag when I read it... but you are right, he is holding out, yet suspecting her.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Interesting take on that... I missed that flag when I read it... but you are right, he is holding out, yet suspecting her.



Turn the tables....make him go down on you!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is controlling in many ways. He's cut you off from just about every one in your life.

Withhold sex is another way to be controlling. He get's off with bj's all the time ... and you get nothing, or almost nothing?

Why are you staying with this man?

When you stopped the bj's in the past, did you stop them and not say anything? or did you tell him why you stopped them?


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. So if he doesn't get a bj he is all PO and you don't get laid AND if he does get a bj you don't get laid. 

Very tough spot to be in. This may not be a popular thing for me to say, but maybe he has to actually think (not just his random accusations) that he is going to lose you before he will change.


----------



## TryingToMakeIt (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I think in order to make it work somehow your husband needs to be open to trying to improve your sexual relationship and that he shouldn't be jelous of you going out with your friends. However, I'm not quite as quick to assume infidelity in your situation. 

I'm in sort of an opposite situation from you. I've been married to my wife for about the same length of time. I was a virgin before I met her and sex has never been easy for us. We had sex much more often when we first met but it was never easy. Recently she got fed up and claimed that she felt that we don't have sex enough, that I never initiate and even when we do it has to always focus around me because I will very frequently lose my erection. There was a lot of drama and I procrastinated getting help, but eventually I saw a doctor and discovered I have low testosterone (I'm am young for this problem, 29). I am different from your husband in that I've always been willing to go down on my wife, but I am not able to get off when she gives me blowjobs. My wife is also at the point where she is much less willing to have sex now.

I'm telling you this so I can now telly you what parts of your husbands situation I relate to and what I would be feeling in his situation. 

You mention that you ask him for sex and he teases you and builds you up but then nothing happens. I know that I did this with my wife quite often because I knew that she wanted more sex and I wanted to give it her. However, I was scared to move past a certain level because it was usually a lot of negative feeling for both her and me if I failed to keep an erection. I usually wanted her to say it was okay if I failed before hand which was quite a bit of a mood killer for her. 


You mention that sex always feels very mechanical and you just feel used or like a hooker. Again, my wife has said these same things to me. I don't actually know what to do about this. I want to please her but when I try to do things that please her more it is much more likely that I will lose an erection. This also doesn't make for a good sex experience. I feel very unmanly for not being able to please my wife. Your husband probably also feels this way. He might also be annoyed if you claim you want more sex, and then when it finally happens you say he isn't doing a good enough job. He could be afraid of not being good enough to please you. I'm actually very curious if you ask him to go down on you and what he says about it. Like I said, I'm willing to go down on my wife and I actually enjoy it, but my wife doesn't really like it. I think she worries that I'm just doing it to please her and that she doesn't really sexually excite me. 

I can't relate to the jealousy and suspicion but it could be related to him feeling like he can't satisfy you. He is wrong to act that way. 

I'm curious what happens happens when you try to initiate sex. Does he flat out say no? Is that when you give him a blow job? If it isn't when you give him a blow job, how does that happen? Does he ask for one? He probably feels very insecure in the bedroom and you probably have issues too about not feeling like he wants sex with you and wondering if you are sexy enough. 

I'm not sure how to get him to agree to try to make sex work, but he needs be willing to try if you are going to improve your sexual relationship


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryingToMakeIt said:


> I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I think in order to make it work somehow your husband needs to be open to trying to improve your sexual relationship and that he shouldn't be jelous of you going out with your friends. However, I'm not quite as quick to assume infidelity in your situation.
> 
> I'm in sort of an opposite situation from you. I've been married to my wife for about the same length of time. I was a virgin before I met her and sex has never been easy for us. We had sex much more often when we first met but it was never easy. Recently she got fed up and claimed that she felt that we don't have sex enough, that I never initiate and even when we do it has to always focus around me because I will very frequently lose my erection. There was a lot of drama and I procrastinated getting help, but eventually I saw a doctor and discovered I have low testosterone (I'm am young for this problem, 29). I am different from your husband in that I've always been willing to go down on my wife, but I am not able to get off when she gives me blowjobs. My wife is also at the point where she is much less willing to have sex now.
> 
> ...


You and your wife might want to try a sex therapist. They can help guide the two of you to a much better sex life.


----------



## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

sufferinginsilence said:


> He went to a doctor and found out he had low testosterone. He injects himself with testosterone every other week and has done it for the last year now. I have now gotten sex about 4 times since then. Doctor says testosterone levels are high and definitely where they should be.


Every other week?! His testosterone levels are surely all over the place. I'm often quite surprised by bad testosterone practices that some doctors prescribe. Most doctors who are knowledgeable about testosterone therapy require injections that are no less than once a week. Also, I'd highly recommend that you get the actual lab results and determine what part of his testosterone cycle his levels were checked. Testosterone levels will spike shortly after the injection, but may very likely be below normal for several days before the next injection, especially if the next injection isn't for 2 weeks.

Also, some doctors will simply look at the reference ranges on the lab results to determine whether a guy's testosterone levels are normal. A level of 300 may be labeled as “normal” on the reference range, but that’s not normal for a normal for a 31 year old. The average level for a 31 year old is about 600.

Normal Testosterone Levels in Men by Age - Free and Total Healthy Male Ranges

EDIT: Also, I'd make sure that his estrogen levels are being checked. If he's getting one big dose everyone 2 weeks, then too much of that may be getting converted to estrogen, which will have negative effects.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Is he overweight belly fat also turns testosterone into estrogen. Things like exercise, and certain foods, can naturally boost testosterone. Is his lifestyle largely sedentary?


----------

