# I Cheated on my husband... Now what?



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

I cheated on my husband while we were separated for nearly 4 months. It started off as an emotional attachment then got a little physical (kissing and hands on bodies). After that had happened it felt so wrong that I began to cry and asked the other guy to leave and waited for my husband to call. But I couldn't tell him. A week or two went by and I was lonely again, and called the other guy. He came over and things went a little further yet again (oral). After that we knew it was done. So, he and I basically quit talking all together. 

My husband, I guess saw it coming. Me having mentioned this other guy a lot (we work together) and my husband knew that he had taken me out for my birthday with a group of others. 

I admitted everything to my husband, and a week later he moved in with me. (Already mid-move when he found out). 

So we've been living together and adjusting to the married life for about 2 months now. Been married for 6. I am currently the only one working. He keeps moving money from my bank account to his to spend on, "Cigarettes and food" but i'm not seeing it. 

I just don't know how to help him or make it easier. I'm basically bending over backwards to do anything that might help, and it's just not. Maybe even getting worse. 

No need to tell me how awful I am. Believe me, I hate myself more than you would even like to know. 
Just need some guidance.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Why were you separated in the first place? What's the background story? Did you have a no dating understanding?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why isn't your husband working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You're married for 6 months, you separated for 4 months, and you're back together for 2 months?

So you separated right after your honeymoon?


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why does he have access to your bank account??


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

kindi said:


> You're married for 6 months, you separated for 4 months, and you're back together for 2 months?
> 
> So you separated right after your honeymoon?


I was assuming married for 6 years. If not and it was 6 _months_, this is FUBAR.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are you guys?
The other guy still works with you? Same dept? Still friends?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You cheated on your husband within the first 4 months of your marriage? Get divorced and let your husband find a loyal wife.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband sounds like he needs to find work and get back on his feet. He can't concentrate on doing that while he's trying to get over your betrayal. File for annulment, get out of each others lives, and maybe down the road a ways, after you both have grown up a little, you can get back together.

Sounds to me to be a simple case of two people who are really not ready for marriage.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There seems to be other issues in the relationship..Not that it absolves the cheating but why did you get back ? Why did you separate ? And you've been married for how long ?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, not enough info.


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

How is this affected your husband? Kinda need more info..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

My husband and I were both in the Military. And were separated when my orders changed and I had to move first. I am 19 and he is 20 and he has been medically discharged from the military entirely. So now he has a fairly unstable job (he can't work when it rains or is too cold because the job is outdoors). After he was separated from the military he moved in with me. And he has been here for 2 months. 

We only dated for about 3 months before we were married. Thinking we could handle the stresses of being apart. Evidently I was the one that couldn't.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

To help with the timeline. We met in April, Married in July, And then I moved away in August. Everything was fine at the time. After I left, He got a DUI in October. And then found out that I had cheated in December, along with being discharged AND moving in with me.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The fact is, you aren't really wife material. Not yet anyway. You're both really REALLY young. And you dated for a very short period of time. You don't even know each other. Whatever you thought you had, it wasn't really love. Maybe it was some kind of infatuation. In any case, neither of you is ready for marriage. He's probably sticking around right now because he's broke and figures he has no options. But you'd both be better off long term if you divorced or annulled or whatever and just went your separate ways. This is no way to start a life-long relationship. No way to make a solid foundation for marriage success. You cheated on him when you only knew him for 3 months. It's basically like cheating while on your honeymoon. It's prima facia evidence that you don't have actual feelings for him.

Actually the whole thing makes me wonder if you just married to get the extra BAS and BAH.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

I didn't marry for the money. That wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind until after I moved. But being married very quickly, and young. I was definitely nervous. But went ahead with it anyways. Our parents knew, and were a little shaken by it. But I had met his and he mine and everyone got along. 

Building a solid foundation for marriage? Yes I agree that its an incredibly important part of it all. And I just kind of smashed it with a sledge hammer while it needed to be coddled. 

I just don't know if its worth salvaging. I don't want to be miserable every single day, and I don't want him to suffer with it either. But I'm willing to work for it if he lets me.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact is, you aren't really wife material.


Yep. You we're not ready, he's was not ready. Take note of your mistakes and don't try to fix what broke so quickly. There way too much water over the bridge. It was a learning experience

Lessons: most people are not the exception to statistical fact. Don't marry after 2-3 months, don't put yourself in vulnerable situations, and for him; he needs to be a man and provide. Discharged from the military and doesn't hold a stable job? Well if he doesn't change then being respected by his woman won't last. Maybe it's not his fault but that doesn't matter to human nature. It's tiring to see the same types of mistakes over and over and I hope you're one who learns from it and doesn't let it be a pattern.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

I've already stood before about 20 high ranking military "bosses" of mine. Who yelled, and made me feel about an inch tall. I wrote a letter describing what I would feel if the roles were reversed. I have to work with the "other guy" on a daily basis; though not directly. But we're both still around base. And then come home and deal with everything going on at home. I'm not denying that I was wrong. I just don't know if its worth it to my husband for me to try and fix it. I'm afraid that it will always be too much to ever move on from. So do we spend the time to try?


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Mousie said:


> I've already stood before about 20 high ranking military "bosses" of mine. Who yelled, and made me feel about an inch tall. I wrote a letter describing what I would feel if the roles were reversed. I have to work with the "other guy" on a daily basis; though not directly. But we're both still around base. And then come home and deal with everything going on at home. I'm not denying that I was wrong. I just don't know if its worth it to my husband for me to try and fix it. I'm afraid that it will always be too much to ever move on from. So do we spend the time to try?


Are you mature enough to not have unnecessary contact with the "other guy."

You are young and have made some very poor and immature decisions.
Spending time to try depends on how serious you value your marriage.Are you mature enough to put on your big girl undies and try?

Reconciling a marriage is not for the faint-hearted or quitters. It takes stamina and dealing with the bad days as well as the good.
If you have to ask us should you try..then you already have your answer.
We can't decide if you should try..you should.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does your husband want to stay married?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mousie said:


> I'm afraid that it will always be too much to ever move on from. So do we spend the time to try?


Most people who successfully reconcile have children, many years of marriage, mortgage, maybe grandchildren. I suspect almost every man or woman who's successfully reconciled would tell you to cut your losses. Without children or the fear of starting over, it's not worth the prolonged suffering.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

SoulStorm said:


> Are you mature enough to not have *unnecessary contact* with the "other guy."


This would not be enough. No contact for life is the rule of thumb here. This is bad enough as it is, but having any contact with the OM is a disaster in the making.

Frankly though, why should her BH even bother? Although I don't think the OP would agree, this whole situation is almost joke worthy.

Good Lord.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

3putt said:


> This would not be enough. No contact for life is the rule of thumb here. This is bad enough as it is, but having any contact with the OM is a disaster in the making.
> 
> Frankly though, why should her BH even bother? Although I don't think the OP would agree, this whole situation is almost joke worthy.
> 
> Good Lord.


She has no choice. She's military. 

If he is higher ranking she can file a complaint though. That would be evidence of remorse. Also adultery is against the ucmj. 

OP have you confessed to your parents?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact is, you aren't really wife material.


That's all that needs to be said.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For the record, I don't think she's tainted for life. She's a kid who screwed up. She can grow and learn from this.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She has no choice. She's military.
> 
> If he is higher ranking she can file a complaint though. That would be evidence of remorse. Also adultery is against the ucmj.
> 
> OP have you confessed to your parents?


That why I asked: Why bother? The little time invested in this farce of a marriage would have me running like hell to the nearest divorce court.

Consider yourself lucky Mousie. As WorkingOnMe just stated, adultery in the military has some serious penalties and ramifications for adultery. Consider yourself VERY fortunate you just got a good dressing down from your superiors. And I mean _very_ lucky. 

If you had done this to me, I can assure you, you wouldn't be so damned fortunate. Your career would be over.

Of course, this has yet to play out completely. When your BH gets wind of his options, your luck just may run out.

As an aside, you have no place in my military. You are a disgrace to the uniform you wear, and the country you claim to serve. I know military infidelity is rampant, but you are one of the most insincere and egregious offenders I have run across recently.

Have any vows or promises you have taken or made ever in your life actually meant anything to you?? If you can do this so quickly to your BH, it makes me wonder just what you are capable of in my armed forces.

Just...damn


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For the record, I don't think she's tainted for life. She's a kid who screwed up. She can grow and learn from this.


IMO you both acted on impulse in getting married. There's an old expression: "marry in haste, repent in leisure". I think this applies to your situation. You really don't know enough about each other to be together.

Heck, neither of you know YOUSELVES well enough to know what you want for yourselves or from life. Do yourselves a favor and chalk this up to experience. Learn from this and avoid acting on impulse. You WILL be wife material one day. 

You are NOT a horrible person, just immature. See if you can part on friendly terms. No need for bitterness.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> That why I asked: Why bother? The little time invested in this farce of a marriage would have me running like hell to the nearest divorce court.
> 
> Consider yourself lucky Mousie. As WorkingOnMe just stated, adultery in the military has some serious penalties and ramifications for adultery. Consider yourself VERY fortunate you just got a good dressing down from your superiors. And I mean _very_ lucky.
> 
> ...


Then we have an incredibly disgraceful military. There are a LOT of guys who go TDY and play. A LOT! Whether it's tittie bars or hook ups on deployments. Men AND women! Officers and enlisted.

Most of them are a lot older and more experienced this this person is. So lighten up Francis.

She isn't ready for a relationship. She is in a bad place. 

Mousie...I'm out of shape. I made many decisions which made me out of shape. But you know what? I can get INTO shape. It's a matter of consistant good choices.

Start choosing wisely. Get into 'shape'


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> Then we have an incredibly disgraceful military. There are a LOT of guys who go TDY and play. A LOT! Whether it's tittie bars or hook ups on deployments. Men AND women! Officers and enlisted.
> 
> *Most of them are a lot older and more experienced this this person is. So lighten up Francis.*
> 
> ...


Lighten up? I don't think so. You don't have to agree with what I post, but don't tell me to lighten up on what I believe is the right way to conduct yourself, be it the military or marriage.

Honestly, I'm quite a bit amazed that you don't subscribe more to what I am trying to say here. Seems to me that may be part of the problem. Too many people willing to stick their heads in the sand and look the other way instead of standing tall and calling this kind of behavior out, as it should be. This is my military. I don't give a damn what the stats say, it doesn't make it right or acceptable simply because there have been way too many precedences set in the past.

Bull****.

You end this kind of crap (or at least curtail it) by doing what we preach here every day. Making everyone accountable for their actions and have to suffer the consequences of their piss poor decisions.

Just ask David Petraeus. No one is immune. Nor should they be.

Again, don't tell me to lighten up on what I believe.

Ain't gonna happen.

Peace


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If you want to castigate someone, be more judicious. Hammering Paetraus is proper and good. He is supposed to be smart. He is old and experienced. He should know better.

She is a 19 year old who got lonely and gave some guy a hummer.

Yup, she's wrong. Yup, it's horrible. Yup, it shouldn't be the end of her life and career as you are characterizing it. 

People are multifaceted creatures. A failing in one area does not (or at least should not) erase everything good and noble and fine that they've done.

That is why the Ancient Egyptians used a balance in their afterlife. Good vs bad.

So...if she was the top technician in her field, daily visited wounded comrades at the VA, won three Outstanding Service awards in her brief stay, she doesn't deserve to be in 'your' military because she gave out a blowjob?

Well...that is true. 'Your' military is a figment of your imagination. In the REAL military...they still look down on it. But they obviously WEIGH experience, service, performance, and youth...because she was measured and NOT found wanting...but put on notice.

Which was as it should be.

One choice CAN ruin a person's life forever. But we shouldn't TRY to help that along.

Edited to add: If your son cheats on his wife or girlfriend, are you going to throw him away too? Do you think he should ruin his career because he got a hummer?

If you would be willing to give HIM the benefit of the doubt, than maybe you might think of expanding that understanding.


If Waywards are going to forever be branded as an example to the masses, what reason do they have to ever strive to be better? Mary Magdelene had that same experience...until someone offered her another way...


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> If you want to castigate someone, be more judicious. Hammering Paetraus is proper and good. He is supposed to be smart. He is old and experienced. He should know better.
> 
> She is a 19 year old who got lonely and gave some guy a hummer.
> 
> ...


Okay, we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. You have your beliefs, and I have mine. I'm not so naive to not accept and understand what you are saying.

I know adultery is rampant in the military. I've stated that already. The experience that the offenders have notched out really shouldn't be taken into consideration though, IMO. What does one have to do with the other? 

If I'm a priest, and have served the Lord for the bulk of my life in the most honorable fashion, and then get caught sexually molesting a child, should my previous service to the Lord be taken under consideration for my penalty?

I don't think so. Well, not the way I look at it anyway. I don't think the courts and public opinion would be so eager to grant a get out of jail free card either.

Why should she be granted that card simply because it's always been that way?

Just because it is what it is doesn't make it acceptable to me.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

I am and have been fully informed of the actions that could have been taken upon this action through the military. And if anything, this whole situation has only made me want to try harder at work and at home to prove that this is not the dominant side of me. I'm very new to the military. Coming up on one full year in. I respect each and every person that has served before me and those that I currently serve with. 

My entire chain of command has pretty much analyzed my situation and have decided to give me a second chance to prove myself that I'm not some worthless scum in their Military. 

I am absolutely dedicated to fixing myself and my flaws in order to make this marriage work. My parents, as well as my husbands' know full and well about what happened. I talk to my mom on a daily basis about everything going on.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

And as for contact with the "other guy". There is none. Apart from working, and that's only when there is zero avoidance. I wish it could be completely cut off, but as of now this is where that is. 

My husband has all of my passwords to every account as well as full access to my phone. Everything is on the table and I have nothing to hide. This is all I could think of to start proving to him that he could trust me once again.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hmm. Maybe you do have your head on straight M. Good luck to you guys.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mousie said:


> And as for contact with the "other guy". There is none. Apart from working, and that's only when there is zero avoidance. I wish it could be completely cut off, but as of now this is where that is.
> 
> My husband has all of my passwords to every account as well as full access to my phone. Everything is on the table and I have nothing to hide. This is all I could think of to start proving to him that he could trust me once again.


Well, you're doing the right things for starters. There are many good books available to help heal, strengthen, and realize potential marriage buster situations. Have you made any effort to read them together?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> Okay, we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. You have your beliefs, and I have mine. I'm not so naive to not accept and understand what you are saying.
> 
> I know adultery is rampant in the military. I've stated that already. The experience that the offenders have notched out really shouldn't be taken into consideration though, IMO. What does one have to do with the other?
> 
> ...


Hitler was nice to animals, sort of fixed the German economy and I hear was a wonderful dancer.

So no, some sins are so grievious that they DO blight another person's whole life. Like pedophilia...or covering for someone else's (Philly)

The question is: is one blowjob that 'weight' of sin?

Symbolically it's pretty big...she broke her vow. Okay. Bad soldier!

Have you ever broken a promise? Ever? I have. Several. It's the same thing. It's a difference of degree between disappointing Mom when you say you will do or not do X and what she did.

But Mousie, it is a HUGE degree bigger. I would not trust you as marriage material if I knew...until I saw a LONG history of fidelity after that. Because I don't want to be in your husband's BDUs.

One thing which WOULD make me give you a second look is if you were honest about that at an appropriate time (after the 4th date or so).

This assumes things don't work out. Help him get a job, find some stability in his life.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

My husband has been pretty set to try to deal with this all on his own. Until today he really didn't feel like he wanted to even try counselling at all, but I told him that I was going to go on my own and hoped that he would join me when he felt comfortable. 

The books are an excellent idea. We're kind of running on empty on next steps and what to talk about and settle as we go. He says he wants it to work. But we both know that it's going to take time.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When I was in the military we had these great free counselors at the family service center. Great resource.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I know I was harsh with you, and IMO, deservedly so. It does sound like you are starting to own up to what you have done and are trying to rebuild what you have broken.

I like this.

I'm not the unforgiving, vicious creature that my initial post to you may have led you (or others) to believe.

Nothing would please me more than to see you turn this around to what I believe you are capable of being.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mousie said:


> My husband has been pretty set to try to deal with this all on his own. Until today he really didn't feel like he wanted to even try counselling at all, but I told him that I was going to go on my own and hoped that he would join me when he felt comfortable.
> 
> The books are an excellent idea. We're kind of running on empty on next steps and what to talk about and settle as we go. He says he wants it to work. But we both know that it's going to take time.


Mousie, maybe I'm wrong about you both being too young for marriage. It sounds like you are giving it your full effort. He really needs to get behind this too, although I wouldn't push it. 

As long as he isn't working anyway, why don't you encourage him to take advantage of his educational benefits and work toward a college degree?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

3putt said:


> I know I was harsh with you, and IMO, deservedly so. It does sound like you are starting to own up to what you have done and are trying to rebuild what you have broken.
> 
> I like this.
> 
> ...


That was very gracious. There has to be a carrot with the stick.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Mousie, maybe I'm wrong about you both being too young for marriage. It sounds like you are giving it your full effort. He really needs to get behind this too, although I wouldn't push it.
> 
> As long as he isn't working anyway, why don't you encourage him to take advantage of his educational benefits and work toward a college degree?


Wince. If he was drummed out because of a DUI, than I don't know that he is eligable anymore. He barely has a couple years in if that.

The counselors were a great idea.

Chapperal has a great 12 page thing around here which has a set of next steps.

Find it and read it.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

I'm simply acting on instinct, and advice from my mom and a few that I work with pretty much. I know that what I did will never be fully forgiven. But if we can get to where it doesn't come up in almost every conversation, I would be thrilled. 

It truly has hampered our day to day living, especially just trying to adjust to living together. I've taken full responsibility and plan to make up for it as much as possible. Thank you to everyone and their kind and not so kind words. 
My husband has also been reading this thread and I think some of the "cut your losses" and "get out as quickly as you can" comments really opened our eyes to know that neither of us want that. 
We both truly want a future for ourselves. It's just going to take a lot more work than originally planned. Especially on my part.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I looked it up for you. This is from Chapperall.

This is your next step

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. *


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you are really starting your marriage off on a very difficult note. Marriage in the military is very hard because of things like depoyments, exercises, etc that take the military member away form home for extended periods of time. And then put this affair on top of it and you two have your challenges cut out for you. 

There is a series of books that will help quite a bit if you both read them and do the work the books lay out.

Start with "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

After that book look at the ones linked to below for building a passionate marriage. They will go a long way to you building a strong, passionate marriage.


----------



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Mousie said:


> I didn't marry for the money. That wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind until after I moved. But being married very quickly, and young. I was definitely nervous. But went ahead with it anyways. Our parents knew, and were a little shaken by it. But I had met his and he mine and everyone got along.
> 
> Building a solid foundation for marriage? Yes I agree that its an incredibly important part of it all. And I just kind of smashed it with a sledge hammer while it needed to be coddled.
> 
> I just don't know if its worth salvaging. I don't want to be miserable every single day, and I don't want him to suffer with it either. But I'm willing to work for it if he lets me.


"I just don't know if it's worth salvaging" ?? Pretty sure you just answered your own question! If you (the person who was the betrayer) isn't willing to give it everything, well it's already over...
Put him out of his misery and file for a divorce, let him have real love!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Not too many relationships that are only 6 months old can survive extended time apart especially at 19 and 20 years old.

This can be the thing that makes you both better, stronger people. Now you can avoid problems some people encounter a little later in life.

Or you can let it be a life changing event for the worse, and you can let it hobble you both and scar any future relationships you may or may not have. 

It's up to you. It sounds like your on the path to the first choice.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

Every day is a battle. My husband has a bad habit of asking questions about my affair, and then doesn't like the answers, although honest, but straight forward and blunt. He always just takes the keys and leaves for awhile. Won't answer his cell phone. Nothing. And then just shows up late in the evening like nothing happened and snuggles into bed. 

His behavior most times just leaves me baffled. I don't know how to help when I'm simply answering his questions as best I can. He says that knowing the full and complete story will help him get better, but doesn't believe that all that happened was oral. And I have no way to prove that's all it was. 

It seems like the only time he really wants to be around me is when he wants to have sex. Other than that all we talk about is the affair and how unhappy we are. I just need a sign that one day, it's going to be better.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Mousie said:


> Every day is a battle. My husband has a bad habit of asking questions about my affair, and then doesn't like the answers, although honest, but straight forward and blunt. He always just takes the keys and leaves for awhile. Won't answer his cell phone. Nothing. And then just shows up late in the evening like nothing happened and snuggles into bed.
> 
> His behavior most times just leaves me baffled. I don't know how to help when I'm simply answering his questions as best I can. He says that knowing the full and complete story will help him get better, but doesn't believe that all that happened was oral. And I have no way to prove that's all it was.
> 
> It seems like the only time he really wants to be around me is when he wants to have sex. Other than that all we talk about is the affair and how unhappy we are. I just need a sign that one day, it's going to be better.


Maybe it will get better and maybe it won't. You don't get to know that, but you still have to commit to either fixing it the best you can or bailing out and getting a divorce. 

If you don't commit to either one 100% you will fail and be miserable.

There are no guarantees once this type of thing takes place.


----------



## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

Mousie, R is possible, but it is difficult. You can rebuild yourself to be a better person and a better wife.

From my experience- my H asked tons of questions. I answered them all as patiently as I could. That was and is not as easy as it sounds as it is awful to speak about it out loud to your spouse- but it was part of the price I had to be willing to pay. It was a part of the process for us. He still asks from time to time, but it is not a daily part of our life anymore.

Offer to take a polygraph- be warned- if you offer do not wuss out if he says yes.

Be patient and committed- expect that he will have questions and that you will have days that he is suffering. Again- be patient and committed.

I wish you and your H the very best


----------



## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

So you weren't separated because of marital problems but because you got orders before him. There is a world of difference between being "separated" and "geographically separated". Why not just say you had an affair when you were stationed in different locations since it sounds like that's what really happened. 

Also, I'm soooooooo with the rest of the posters who said you're too young to be married. I was in the USMC from age 17 to 22 and when I got out I was still too young to be married. I would argue I was even too young when I eventually did marry at 27. 

Finish up your tour (or re-up), go to school, etc, etc. But chock this up as a brief period in your life when you had "slightly more than a boy friend". And more importantly, never forget how YOU feel having cheated on someone who you made the ultimate promise to.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mousie said:


> Every day is a battle. My husband has a bad habit of asking questions about my affair, and then doesn't like the answers, although honest, but straight forward and blunt. He always just takes the keys and leaves for awhile. Won't answer his cell phone. Nothing. And then just shows up late in the evening like nothing happened and snuggles into bed.
> 
> His behavior most times just leaves me baffled. I don't know how to help when I'm simply answering his questions as best I can. He says that knowing the full and complete story will help him get better, but doesn't believe that all that happened was oral. And I have no way to prove that's all it was.
> 
> It seems like the only time he really wants to be around me is when he wants to have sex. Other than that all we talk about is the affair and how unhappy we are. I just need a sign that one day, it's going to be better.


It takes a betrayed spouse (BS) 2-5 years to recover from an affair. The 6-12 months are horribly painful usually. And yes a major topic of discussion will be the affair. Yours was not very long so for you the questions might die down sooner. He'll ask the same thing over and over. And you need to answer the same thing over and over. It will help him heal.

He might be going of to think... some guys need to do that. But be aware that what is often called revenge affairs happen very often. So he should be as transparent are you are now with things like his passwords, etc.

This is why I suggested some books for you two to read and work through. there are things that both of you need to do.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Mousie said:


> Every day is a battle. My husband has a bad habit of asking questions about my affair, and then doesn't like the answers, although honest, but straight forward and blunt. He always just takes the keys and leaves for awhile. Won't answer his cell phone. Nothing. And then just shows up late in the evening like nothing happened and snuggles into bed.
> 
> His behavior most times just leaves me baffled. I don't know how to help when I'm simply answering his questions as best I can. He says that knowing the full and complete story will help him get better, but doesn't believe that all that happened was oral. And I have no way to prove that's all it was.
> 
> It seems like the only time he really wants to be around me is when he wants to have sex. Other than that all we talk about is the affair and how unhappy we are. I just need a sign that one day, it's going to be better.


Did you bother to read the long assed thing i posted for you to read?


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Mousie said:


> I'm simply acting on instinct, and advice from my mom and a few that I work with pretty much. I know that what I did will never be fully forgiven. But if we can get to where it doesn't come up in almost every conversation, I would be thrilled.
> 
> It truly has hampered our day to day living, especially just trying to adjust to living together. I've taken full responsibility and plan to make up for it as much as possible. Thank you to everyone and their kind and not so kind words.
> My husband has also been reading this thread and I think some of the "cut your losses" and "get out as quickly as you can" comments really opened our eyes to know that neither of us want that.
> We both truly want a future for ourselves. It's just going to take a lot more work than originally planned. Especially on my part.


I think you are showing you want to 'work on the marriage'. Which is a term that is normally used in trouble times _after_ a number of years being married.

Actually you have not been married in the sence of having some life-time together after the marriage date.

So mayby it's an idea to renew your marriage vows in some kind of ceremony, Only the two of you. On a special place. To symbolize a new start?

BUT

First you have to work out al the problems at hand, your affair, his troublesome situation (don't rugsweep this because of your affair). Your both too short knowing eachother. 

You will have to communicate, talk a lot, and more.

Have activities, social interaction together with others, build things together. Sport.

And then look again at eachother and puzzle out if you are really willing to be together. 

Good luck, if this does not work out I think you have already learned some important lessons of life.


----------



## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Mousie, I'm just speculating but from what you have said and especially the way you phrase things (and it doesn't seem like you read JCD's very informative helpful post!) it seems like you are acting out of guilt and responsibility to redeem yourself more than out of love to do what is best for your husband.

A lot of people are good at apologizing and making things up. Not because they truly grasp the error in their ways. And they usually don't realize how bad their mistake is because they don't know why it happened.

Why did it happen? *YOU WEREN'T READY TO GET MARRIED. The proof is that you cheated within the first 6 months.* You can prove your maturity by doing the right thing and try to make the most of it and hopefully it evolves into a strong marriage in time but you already proved you were not ready to get married when you did. Besides, it is impossible to really know a person for 3 months, even if you literally spend every waking minute with each other. You can't really fall in love that quickly because there's not enough bonding time. But you CAN have a passionate and intense relationship and fall infatuated with the person. I think you were in love with the idea of marriage and starting out your life together with this person that you really liked and cared for.

Even if it is some type of love, to whatever extent it exists, it lacks a TRUE FOUNDATION. And both YOUR actions and HIS strongly suggest it's not real, enduring love. (Just my opinion based on what is written here, I do hope I'm wrong.)

I do think what you are doing to save your marriage is great and you SHOULD do it. One of two things will happen. 1 - You'll get through this and your love (even though it's started on a weaker state) might just grow and you might just overcome this someday an have a long successful marriage. Or 2 - it won't work out. But you'll know what it's like to pay for your mistakes. The shame. The guilt. The work. The pain. And you will be less likely to do it again because you'll understand. And you know you did everything you could do to try to repair your mistake.

But when you say things like "is it worth saving?" or that you "just want a sign to make sure it'll work out" it hints you're only willing to really invest yourself to it IF you know it'll pay off. IF it will lead to your redemption. (And, like I said, I don't think you read JCD's posts <.<)

Similarly, you say he isn't putting much effort into the reconciliation. Others have said he probably can't forgive you but stays because he feels he doesn't better options. I second their opinion. And of course it would be hard for him to forgive you... he took a BIG risk on you by marrying you, yes (it's public record now) but overall, he hasn't invested too much in you. You don't have much history. There's not much before-the-affair material to compare to because you barely knew each other.



Mousie said:


> He always just takes the keys and leaves for awhile. Won't answer his cell phone. Nothing. And then just shows up late in the evening like nothing happened and snuggles into bed. ...It seems like the only time he really wants to be around me is when he wants to have sex. Other than that all we talk about is the affair and how unhappy we are.


Perhaps I'm really paranoid, I really REALLY hope I'm wrong on this one, but this sounds familiar to something that happened to a close friend who's boyfriend never forgave her. He got even with her. He tried to get back at her by getting those feelings she had sought. By having 2 women want him at the same time, one being the girl who betrayed him who was as clueless as he had been when he trusted her.

Please be weary.

Like I said, I do think it's good that you are owning up to your mistake and trying to fix it. I hope you keep trying. But if you really care about your husband, I hope you'll have the courage and strength to let go if you have to. If he can't forgive you and is only hurting you or himself and you know he would be happier without you. Or if either one of you find yourself regretting your decision to get married because you didn't know what you were doing or misinterpreted your feelings for the other. But that's something only you will know if and when it happens.

Mousie, you're young. You made a mistake. Whether it's with this man, with another man you've yet to meet, and of course, first and foremost by yourself, I wish you happiness. I hope that no matter what you emerge from this a better person.


----------



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

JCD said:


> Did you bother to read the long assed thing i posted for you to read?


Yes, we both read it and talked about it together and the things we think will work best to help us. Thank you for looking that up.


----------

