# How do i "get over it?" -Porn



## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

Well first of i'm new, so hello. 
Well i want to give some information before i really get down to the core issues. 
I have been married about 2 1/2 years to my husband, but we've actually been together for about 5 years striaght now. (we dated when we were younger, and i was a complete nut job(former abusive relationships made me so), honestly, and my father passed away and i completely had a melt-down (only child daddys girl) and dumped him and had a lesbian relationship, tried to commit suicide, but through much medication, and a couple years of therapy, i am actually NORMAL. yes i still get a little more depressed than the average person, and i can be a ***** but for the most part i'm a pretty normal woman.)
I have always had self-worth/ self-esteem issues due to my mother whom i've never had a great relationship with. Ex's who treated me very degradingly and had violent relationships with didn't help either. I've basically been told most of my life "i'm not good enough." and for a long time i believed it. 
After my father died i really had a year where i went completely wild, (not so much sexually as just everything, drugs, alcohol, i just wanted to be 'wrecked' i felt i was broken and couldn't be fixed so lets see how far we can go.)
In 2007 i dumped the "user" lesbian girlfriend (she only was around because i had money from my father's settlement) i just didn't care enough about myself to get rid of her until then. I got a job and started reconnecting with some great friends i'd not seen in a couple years. My ex (my current husband) had just broke up with his g/f of a year (he caught her cheating on him with an online relationship on WoW-world of warcraft). Our mutual old friend back from Iraq invited us all out and we ended up reconnecting over drinks. Within about 2 months we were living together again. 3 years later we were married, and in a MUCH healthier state in life. (a little more mature i'm sure also.) He's always known my issues and my past, and like-wise me his. He knows i can over-react and that i have VERY big self-worth issues. 

To note, in the past my stance on porn was that it wasn't cheating but it did give you the same "feelings" as somoeone who cheated, i dumped an ex over his porn additction (self-addmited addiction). It was very invasive to our relationship, he would watch it 3-4 times a day before and after we had sex, he couldn't perform with me in bed only if he was watching porn. That relationship i could not handle, i already felt "not good enough" much less competeing with hollywood *****s.
My current stance on porn, is that i don't care if people watch it (including myself, or my partner) so long as it is a LAST resort. If you have attempted to get me "aroused" and i'm not interested, fine go wank off. But Don'T let me SEE IT/hear it!

Now flash forward to 3 days ago. 
I woke up early (my husband was supposed to wake me as i had several things to do.) came through the house to go to the bathroom and he hit the wrong button on the xbox and his porn came up. Instantly i felt the phsycal feeling to throw up.. 
Did i know my husband watched porn? Yes. 
Do i have a BIG problem with it? Not really... i just don't want to know about it, it should be such a minimal part of our lives that i never see it. (LAST RESORT). 
I think what really hurt me the most was the fact that i suddenly started realizing all the excuses he'd been making JUST TO WATCH PORN. I paint (artist) for a living, and sometimes if the mood strikes i'll paint till the wee hours of the morning, if i fell asleep on the couch he'd get MAD at me and tell me to go to bed, when he woke up. If i just went ahead and got up he'd seem MORE irritated. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Looking back i relate those incedents with him being MAD he couldn't watch porn, because i was in the room. Likewise, he would try to say "you should come to bed with me, i wanna cuddle with you" and when i get to the bedroom he rolls over and goes to sleep, no cuddling. But he jolts out of bed early (of what i had assumed was to play Halo or some stupid game on the xbox with his friends) of which NOW i realize was all a FAKE excuse so he could have private time with the SEXBOX. I feel so betrayed. NOT because of the Porn, but because of his actions to GET TO THE PORN. There isn't a day on the calender of 2013 that he can say he TOUCHED my vagina. (i get more pleasure externally) the 2-3 times we might have had sex is ALWAYS initiated with a blowjob, and if it does lead to actual intercorse it's over in 2 minutes, of which he feels NO need to attempt receprication. 
All i can think about now is "how many times has he turned me down to literally go "**** himself" to the *****s on the xbox?" I didn't speak to him the day i caught him. Then the day after i asked him if he was "fine with the situation or did he want to talk" he said "i was waiting on you, since you're the one upset." (with a smirk no less) so that i wouldn't yell and blow up and throw the xbox across the street i said. "If you think i'm the only one with a problem, maybe now isn't the time to talk." We haven't spoken since then. (today is day 3). If he thinks it's FUNNY and has NO GIVE A **** what so ever that i'm crying and feeling unwanted, unsatisfied, and betrayed why should i even bother? If he's waiting for me to "get over it" without any effort on his part, should we just end our marriage? Because for me their isn't any "getting over it". 
Once again i will be very clear. I'm not AGAINST porn, if i am horny and he's at work and he doesn't get off for 4-5 more hours, i've watched porn and masturbated. However, If it's 10 minutes before he gets off i might watch just a little, enough to arouse me and try to seduce him. Sometimes he complies, but once again it's usually over in 2 seconds, and he just pulls his junk out like i'm supposed to be "excited" by that, and he feels NO desire or need to recepricate, so once again i'm left finishing myself off, which he doesn't even care. 
Am i in the wrong here? I mean i am willing to try pretty much any position, any kinda foreplay, i'm okay with bondage and a little spankin', i'm okay with making videos and taking photos, i mean i'm not a prude by any means (only rule is no anal, but he doesn't even watch anal porn, he mostly, but not always watches blowjob porn, which is even weirder to me, and makes me feel like he wants to see someone else's face instead of mine.)
I just don't know what to do, I go from being completely depressed and crying when he's not home, to just emotionally numb and don't care what happens to our relationship. He has made ZERO effort in those 3 days to talk to me. It's as-if i could pack up and leave and he'd be fine with that so long as he could get back to the xbox to watch porn. I feel unloved, unattractive, and unwanted. Any advice would be helpful, but please be constructive


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You both sound incompatible to me. Not much will fix that.

He's fine with the way things are, it works for him. He gets sex with you when he wants it, and he sexes himself in between that. 

I'm sure he thinks theres nothing wrong with that.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Do you have children together?

My answer is different based on the answer to that question.


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

You seem to miss the point. He doesn't "sex himself inbetween that" he sexes himself "instead" of with me. Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Do you have children together?
> 
> My answer is different based on the answer to that question.


We do not have children (though for me an answer should be the same reguardless). We want children but after 2 years of "active trying" kinda just said screw it and decided "if it happens it happens." (he doesn't want to get tested, because he says it doesn't matter "who's fault" it is.)


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Door_mouse said:


> You seem to miss the point. He doesn't "sex himself inbetween that" he sexes himself "instead" of with me. Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.


If he's replacing sex with you with porn it's wrong. The point I'm trying to make here is that you can ask him NOT to do that, but has that worked? You can change what YOU do, not what he's doing. He has to want to. It doesn't sound like it.

I'm sorry if you find my responses blunt, but from where I sit, you sound like you want something he won't give you. It's going to be up to you to resolve this within yourself. Maybe he needs help. Maybe he has an addiction. Either way, it's help YOU can't give him. He has to recognize the problem and take steps to do something about it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *Door mouse said:*To note, in the past my stance on porn was that it wasn't cheating but it did give you the same "feelings" as somoeone who cheated, i dumped an ex over his porn additction (self-addmited addiction). It was very invasive to our relationship, he would watch it 3-4 times a day before and after we had sex, he couldn't perform with me in bed only if he was watching porn. That relationship i could not handle, i already felt "not good enough" much less competeing with hollywood *****s.


If this is the stance you took with your ex, why is it different this time?


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If he's replacing sex with you with porn it's wrong. The point I'm trying to make here is that you can ask him NOT to do that, but has that worked? You can change what YOU do, not what he's doing. He has to want to. It doesn't sound like it.
> 
> I'm sorry if you find my responses blunt, but from where I sit, you sound like you want something he won't give you. It's going to be up to you to resolve this within yourself. Maybe he needs help. Maybe he has an addiction. Either way, it's help YOU can't give him. He has to recognize the problem and take steps to do something about it.


Well at least that makes a little more sense to me lol. Just "give up" doesn't really seem like the right option. I have NOT asked him to "give it up" because like i said i don't feel it's wrong, it's only wrong if he perfers it over me. If that is the case then yes he can stop/slow down on it or lose me. I just hope he cares enough to try. If he hasn't bothered to give a crap about having a conversation about it by friday i will be bringing it up. I try really hard these days NOT to fly off the handle (as that was my past reactions, and i've greatly overcome them) i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years. Now that i have a little self-respect it's much harder to deny logic. If he won't/can't fix replacing real sex with sexbox, then of course we'd come to that juncture, but currently i'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Thanks.


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If this is the stance you took with your ex, why is it different this time?


Because in the past i had MUCh much less, "self-worth" and just the thought of someone looking at another naked woman offended me. But i Do it. I look at porn, so how can i assume that what *I* feel when *i* watch it is any different than what a man might feel? When i watch porn it's to become aroused, and get off. When i turn it off i couldn't tell you what color hair the guy or girl had or any of that. I don't care about those people, it's only the act that counts upon arousal. I'm sure men feel the same way (at least some). So i've become more confident that i am worthy of a sex life, and i'm not bad at it either. With my ex, he couldn't even GET off with me, only with porn, it made it much worse than now. When my husband and i do have sex he does get off. It's only within the past 2-3 months that he's been very neglectful of me. It's not like it's lasted our entire relationship or even our marriage. I understand getting lazy in marriage, but jeez common. I am very sexual, and i have needs as well. We shouldn't BOTH be turning to porn for release, if we just make it on the same page we can both be happy. I just don't want to be second fiddle to it. That's why his reaction is upsetting. If he wants more sex, he KNOWS he can ask.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *Door mouse said:* It's only within the past 2-3 months that he's been very neglectful of me. It's not like it's lasted our entire relationship or even our marriage


Now the question becomes, how long will you allow it to continue? Remember he sees this as _your_ problem. You did come to him with how you felt and he dismissed you.


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## RomanticHusband (Jan 30, 2013)

I would put the having kids plan on hold until this is resolved one way or another. 

For the sex:
Ask him if he wants to roll play a scene from a porno. Then do it. Tell him what you want in bed, be direct. He might be turned on if you have not done this in the past, or are passive. _*If *_you are comfortable with it, make your own porno with him. Then he can watch you.

I know its hard to openly talk about it with him, but he needs to know you feel replaced by his use of porn.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

There's a difference between liking porn and being addicted to porn. Your H is addicted. You seem to be backing off this porn thing because you're OK with porn, but he has crossed the line. I'm OK with drinking, too, but I'm not OK with someone being an alcoholic and letting is rule their lives. That's what your husband is doing.

If your husband is willing to recognize that he has a problem, although it is noble for you to not want to give up, if he can't/wont change himself, and you can't change yourself to accept this horrible selfish behavior, then you will have to give up on this marriage. This marriage doesn't seem good for you at all. Sorry if you're so disappointed in my opinion that this discussion board is letting you down.



Door_mouse said:


> Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.


People here are just trying to help. There's no need to put anyone down here because you're not getting advice that you want to hear from the 2 people who responded, so you're dissing the forum.


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Door_mouse said:


> i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years.


I just want to say that you DO have the RIGHT to feel the way you feel. You are not the problem, he is. 

Any man that would:
1. Rather have sex with himself than his wife, 
2. Does not care if his wife is satisfied with her sex life and does nothing to please her in the bedroom,
3. Lies to her about his needs and desires (Telling you to go to bed so he can rub one out instead of having sex with you)

is a very selfish person who does not value you. 

You need to tell him that how you feel unwanted, unloved, and so forth. If he is not genuinely apologetic and willing to make changes, start the 180 on him and decide for yourself if this is a relationship you want to be in.

[URL="http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180"[/URL]


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Door_mouse said:


> Well at least that makes a little more sense to me lol. Just "give up" doesn't really seem like the right option. *I have NOT asked him to "give it up" because like i said i don't feel it's wrong, it's only wrong if he perfers it over me. If that is the case then yes he can stop/slow down on it or lose me. I just hope he cares enough to try*. If he hasn't bothered to give a crap about having a conversation about it by friday i will be bringing it up. I try really hard these days NOT to fly off the handle (as that was my past reactions, and i've greatly overcome them) i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years. Now that i have a little self-respect it's much harder to deny logic. If he won't/can't fix replacing real sex with sexbox, then of course we'd come to that juncture, but currently i'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Thanks.


I think this is what you should calmly say to him when you talk. Then explain as you have here how it makes you feel, all of your feelings including the problem with your sex life and how his use of porn is contributing to the problem. Try not to blame or critsize him personally. Focus on the action (porn) and inaction (leaving you unsatisfied) and your thoughts and feelings about it. 

Your feelings are your feelings whatever they are. Nobody can tell you they are wrong or not to feel them.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm so glad to hear you feel more confident and value yourself more these days. 

I hate to say it, but I think you would benefit from continuing to find reasons to value yourself. Your self-esteem isn't quite cemented yet, and you'll benefit from letting it get firmed up a bit more. 

He does sound like he has an addiction to porn. However, it sounds like you weren't unhappy with your relationship UNTIL you realized that porn was affecting it. If you didn't feel rejected before, then it's understandable that he would claim it's "your" problem, because it looks to him like he was doing fine and nothing changed except your attitude toward him. 

On the other hand, if you were already unhappy with your sex life and had voiced your complaints and he was unresponsive, then his addiction IS the cause of the problem. 

If you were happy previously, and only feel unhappy now that you've connected the dots, I would guess that your beliefs are reinforcing an uncertain self-image. (A belief like "If he likes porn better then I must not be very worthy.")


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

It never fails....everytime I am in the midst of writting a response I post it just to find the new posts that basically make mine redundant....guess I need to learn to type faster...lol


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

*


KathyBatesel said:



I'm so glad to hear you feel more confident and value yourself more these days. 

I hate to say it, but I think you would benefit from continuing to find reasons to value yourself. Your self-esteem isn't quite cemented yet, and you'll benefit from letting it get firmed up a bit more.

Click to expand...

*


KathyBatesel said:


> :iagree:


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> People here are just trying to help. There's no need to put anyone down here because you're not getting advice that you want to hear from the 2 people who responded, so you're dissing the forum.


Oh no, by no means was i "intending" to "put anyone down" or "diss the forum" i just meant that on a forum like this "in GENERAL" i would have assumed there would be more discussion, as opposed to "get a divorce, it's over". 

I can take suggestions i can take criticism. I do love my husband though and just giving up with no real effort at fixing a situation isn't going to be the first advice i take. 

I really appreciate all the comments and it has calmed me down significantly. I want to talk to him i just want him to CARE that i'm not currently talking to him. I know that it possibly is my fault he doesn't think it's a big deal. The fact that i "don't have a problem with porn." and the fact that he was caught "watching porn" may be his only "connection" to why i'm mad. He may think that i'm mad because he was "just watching porn, but i've said porn was okay, so what's the big deal?".. when he doesn't realize that his skipping our love life FOR porn is the actual problem. I am aware communication is the key, i guess i just want to be in a mental position, to talk about it rationally, and when *I* can get over my anger enough that it doesn't become a "fight" and can actually be constructive.


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

curious2 said:


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> KathyBatesel said:
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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

curious2 said:


> It never fails....everytime I am in the midst of writting a response I post it just to find the new posts that basically make mine redundant....guess I need to learn to type faster...lol


Ditto that!

Put the "having kids" on hold.
Continue with IC counseling and recovery for yourself.
Be honest and up front with him. 

I agree with the others- he's addicted. And addictions are marriage killers so be prepared for that. 

If it was me, with no children involved and knowing what I know now, I'd cut my losses, work really hard on firming up my own emotional/spiritual health, and hold out for a healthy respectful partner.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Door_mouse said:


> curious2 said:
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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

This is a tough situation. I also found myself in this exact scenario a few weeks ago. I didnt know my husband was watching porn. Never would've guessed it. He uses his smart phone to find it. Found it by accident and realized (after looking at history) that he had been watching it at least daily or every other day. I cant say he watched it for hours on end because the man goes to work early, stays busy all day, comes home right after work and stays busy with me and the kids until bedtime. So his window was after I fell asleep or while I was ever gone after the kids were asleep and maybe in the mornings? 
You need to be honest about your FEELINGS. It really doesnt matter if its "your" problem or his problem (though I think he does have a slight problem according to your post). What matters is how it makes you FEEL. And if he doesnt care about your feelings...then he truly isnt worth it. Does that make sense? Going to him in a confrontational and blaming manner probably will take his attention AWAY from how awful you feel. Pointing out that you were already feeling unwanted, undesired and rejected BEFORE you realized he was watching porn so frequently is important to mention. After that, Id keep the language to "When you watch porn as much as you do, it makes me feel...........". If he loves you at all he wouldnt want to hurt you. 
That worked for me and my husband and I had great open communication about it. I apologized for snooping. It actually has helped open our eyes to the state of our 15 year marriage that had gotten dull. We are having better talks, sincere loving affection and better sex than we did for a long time. In some ways, Im grateful I discovered it. Hope this helps. best of luck to you.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

Door_mouse said:


> curious2 said:
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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

kcait said:


> Going to him in a confrontational and blaming manner probably will take his attention AWAY from how awful you feel. Id keep the language to "When you watch porn as much as you do, it makes me feel...........".


Be extra careful here! "When you do this, it makes me feel this" IS blame dressed up to appear acceptable.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Be extra careful here! "When you do this, it makes me feel this" IS blame dressed up to appear acceptable.


I suppose it _could_ be but I find it is better received and "feeling" words are generally less accusatory. If op's husband feels like its her problem than in this situation, it seems to me her best bet is to go with why it upsets her...??
Worked for me anyway 
I didnt really need to say I was angry or hurt or frustrated. I simply said, "I saw you were watching porn and it made me feel inadequate. I feel a little insecure....etc." My husband responded well to that. 
But certainly if you are manipulating the conversation your spouse is going to sniff it out.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Be extra careful here! "When you do this, it makes me feel this" IS blame dressed up to appear acceptable.


I really agree with you on this but sometimes I find it seems impossible to not directly connect the behavior with the feeling. If you have a better way I would love to hear it...not being sarcastic...

Everybody has to be able to take some criticism, as long as its constructive and not belittling, right? I wouldnt want to be yes'ed (made up a word) to death....I make mistakes...call me on it....how else does anybody learn anything or grow as a person? 

If you say it and they cant here it, then logical consequences will teach them eventually/hopefully but if you are in a relationship with the person, for your own good no matter how they respond doesnt it need to be said?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Everyone has their different feelings on porn. _ Just for me personally_, I do not feel like it belongs in a marriage unless both people want to enjoy it together as part of love making. I personally do not feel like it's okay for men (or women) to look for stimulation outside of their relationship.

I feel like society pressures women (primarily) to "be okay" with men watching porn, and if they're not okay with it, then it's the women have "issues". I really hate this, because I think it's natural for a lot of women to not feel okay with their man having an intimate moment with another woman (whether on a computer, or a magazine, or real life, whatever), and IT'S OKAY if she feels this way!

For you, I would do some thinking on what level of pornography viewing you're comfortable with in life, and be HONEST to yourself about it (not pressured to be okay with it). You only live life once, and you should live it as comfortably and happy as you can make it. If you're married to a man who is doing something that is fundamentally incompatible with your happiness, then you should consider moving on IF he will not consider moving forward with you on this issue in a way where you're both happy.

Just my opinion, you do sound incompatible in this area, and I feel like you both deserve someone who is more on the same level with each other on this issue.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> For you, I would do some thinking on what level of pornography viewing you're comfortable with in life, and be HONEST to yourself about it (not pressured to be okay with it). You only live life once, and you should live it as comfortably and happy as you can make it. If you're married to a man who is doing something that is fundamentally incompatible with your happiness, then you should consider moving on IF he will not consider moving forward with you on this issue in a way where you're both happy.
> 
> Just my opinion, you do sound incompatible in this area, and I feel like you both deserve someone who is more on the same level with each other on this issue.


I agree here. I think that was what I was trying to say when I said, "What matters is how you FEEL about it....". It really doesn't matter who's "problem" it is...
If it makes you feel bad then it is clearly beyond your comfort level to live with forever. Effective communication might help you two come to a comfortable place.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a big difference between "can't stop" looking at porn (I.e. addiction) and "won't stop" looking at porn. And right now, your husband is in the "won't stop" category. He doesn't care enough about how you feel about the issue to try to stop. Until he understands the boundaries and consequences for failing to meet your boundaries, and those consequences outweighing whatever enjoyment he gets from spanking his monkey, he'll continue doing it.

As others have said, the only person you can control is ourself, and even that is tough. You could attempt individual counselling to try to "get over it", you could try to get him in marriage counselling to work out a compromise, you could try laying out your boundaries and consequences and then stick by what you say. But in the end, the decision to cut his porn back to "acceptable" levels is his alone.

As an FYI... I watched way too much porn in my marriage, but that's because my wife wasn't interested in sex. So I turned to porn. Now, I'm in a much healthier relationship (sexually and otherwise), and my porn use is cut WAY back, and my masturbation is down to almost nothing. I would rather go a week without orgasm to save up the sexual tension when one of us is travelling or something than masturbate to completion. Perhaps there's some fantasy that you could introduce that he's getting fulfilled from porn? Like wearing a wig and makeup occasionally when giving him a BJ? Just throwing an idea out there... I know it must be hard to to think about what you can do to make him happy when he's the one ignoring your needs... But he still needs to communicate with you on what's motivating him, and it doesn't seem that he's willing to do that yet.

C


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## Door_mouse (Jan 31, 2013)

Well, this is an update.

When dh got home yesterday from work i was sitting there dolled up to the 9's. We haven't really spoken just been ignoring each other (me mostly until he was ready to actually talk about the real problem). The first thing he says is "are you going somewhere?" I shook my head no. He went and changed and came back in the room, i was laughing at a TV show and just minding my own business as if he weren't even there. He finally says.. "So, why are you dressed up if you aren't going anywhere?" and i say "because i wanted to feel pretty." And he says "Well, i figured you were going somewhere else since it's been so long since you've dressed up."

I realized then that he was right. It had been a long time since i'd put on make up (for evening looks anyway) and got in a pretty dress and heels. But i just nodded. He tried to make some "chit chatty" comment about the TV show that was on, but i ignored him because it wasn't what i wanted to talk about and he knew it. Finally after he huffed and realized i had not "gotten over it" he said "are you ever going to actually SAY why you are so upset?".. I said " i thought it was my problem i need to get over it?".. He says "what i meant was... if you don't tell me exactly why you are so mad, i can't really do or say anything to make it better, but i was mad you were being so cold.".. I said.. "well if you think that i'm just gonna get over something without talking about it then we shoulda moved a cot into the other room, because it would be when hell froze over." He laughed. He said "well?"

I explained to him that after catching him i felt like every time i was not in the same room with him he was wankin' it to porn now, and that i feel ugly and unwated and unneeded except for a hot meal and to wash clothes. 

He said "What are you talking about? I've maybe looked at porn 2x since it hit 2013 and that's because you are always "busy" or "you need to take a shower" or "not tonight i have to get up early" or blah blah whatever other reason. 

I told him "yeah but 1/2 of those times AT LEAST i would give you a blowjob." he said "it's not the same! sure a blowjob is great, wonderful infact, but if you don't want me to have actual sex with you it makes ME feel like you are wanting to leave me." 

I told him " so what about you wanting me to go to the bedroom so you could play your game?" 
he explained that he never knew what time i'd actually went to sleep so he didn't want to bother me with it, it had nothing to do with porn. He even said the couple times he did look at porn he didn't even "finish" he was trying to save up to when i actually wanted to be intimate with him. 
He said "By no means WHAT so ever are you second fiddle to porn."

I said but "why instead of turning to porn didn't you just tell me?".. he said "it didn't seem right to watch you work, clean and cook and then ask you for sex as well."

Basically what it boils down to, is even though we have had sex or "sexual incounters" he wasn't feeling wanted either. He explained that when i am up all night he doesn't know if i'm talking to other guys online or possibly watching porn of my own. He too was feeling inadiquet. 

I also told him, "well when you just pull your junk out and think that will turn me on you're nuts, that's not sexy." 

He admited he's gotten lazy, but that he will definitely work on being more attentive to my needs if i will make sure to be attentive to his. 

We both have gone through phases of wanting lots of sex and then wanting it maybe 1x a week (which is fine by me and he said by him as well) but i guess when a week turns into 2 and all you get is a blow job it is the same way i would feel if i were the one on one of those "phases" of wanting more sex. 

We both agreed next time to TELL the other person that we are feeling a little neglected and that way their shouldn't be an issue. 

We had make up sex last night, then again this morning and he was VERY nurturing and loving and seemed completely like his old desiring self again. 

I am feeling much better and I always realized that i did have some blame in it all. I did tell him that porn does sometimes make me feel unwanted and ugly, and he said me watching it makes him feel a inadiquet, and unattractive as well, but we both agreed it still isnt "wrong" in our eyes. I told him i don't care, if i've blatanly turned you down for sex and i leave to go somewhere you take care of yourself. But if i'm in the next room and you haven't tried that's not acceptable. He said like-wise. He said in a joking manner.. "but be assured that when you decide to leave i might make an off-handed comment if it's been too many times i've been denied just to let you know when i'm feeling neglected." i asked what he meant and he said..." well when you start to leave i might be like, 'i guess i'll go slam my junk in the xbox door.' " I laughed. Apparently that will be our code for "don't make me turn to porn for this." And i'm okay with that. 

Everytime a couple fights, sometimes they can feel like they "lost" some part of their relationship they can never get back, repair or maybe it won't ever "feel" the same. 
We've had a few of those fights. But this wasn't one of them. I feel closer and i feel like we will both be better partners and lovers for this. Neither of us seem interested in other people, nor do we want to start over with someone new, we love each other and we are moving on. 

Thanks for the insite, listening to my rant and i wish you all well.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

That is wonderful. So happy for you and your husband.


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