# Hubby resents my free time



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hey y'all,

I am looking for your opinions on my situation because hubby and I disagree so strongly that I can't tell who's right anymore.

I love writing and recently made the decision to save a lot of money in a job I hated, then take a 40% pay cut, and work just 3 days a week so that I could enjoy my "true passion" more. Our household expenses/ vacations/ everything shared are still split exactly 50/50--I don't spend a dime of his money, and I saved a ton of money so that I could make this transition to a more relaxed, happier lifestyle.

The issue now is, he thinks that all my free time should be spent on responsibilities we used to share 50/50, such as cleaning, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, etc. This would make complete sense to me if he was "funding" this transition I made, but he is not (except he added me to his health insurance for $45 extra a month--which I reimburse him!)

He is resentful because I have more free time, and I am resentful because I saved and saved and saved (and now count every penny I spend) and yet I am not enjoying my hobby--which was the whole point of me making this transition! I know he's tired at the end of the day--I used to be, too--but that's why I made this change! And he is 100% welcome to put effort into making the same change if he wants to. 

Thanks so much for reading my post and for any wisdom y'all might have to share!!

(PS: we both used to earn the exact same salary, and now I make 40% less, but I spend 40% less too. No more new clothes or expensive girls' nights out--that sort of thing).


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

so you did what was best for you and he is doing what is best for both of you? yep no clue why he would be mad. i work 5 1/2 days my wife works 5 so to make up for the 1/2 extra i work (she hates her job so so much, gets yelled at all day) but she does all the house hold stuff.

your husband is right if you chose to work less you need to do ALL the household stuff. a MARRIAGE is a two way street right now you are only thinking about............you guessed it...........you!


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

terrence4159 said:


> so you did what was best for you and he is doing what is best for both of you? yep no clue why he would be mad. i work 5 1/2 days my wife works 5 so to make up for the 1/2 extra i work (she hates her job so so much, gets yelled at all day) but she does all the house hold stuff.
> 
> your husband is right if you chose to work less you need to do ALL the household stuff. a MARRIAGE is a two way street right now you are only thinking about............you guessed it...........you!


Thanks for your response, Terrence. I see your point and perhaps I am being a little too focused on myself. But I don't think he's doing "what is best for both of us" just because he has a full-time job. He wants that money and he can have it all to himself--I'm not asking for any of it. I also am 2 years older (we're in our 20s), so I have contributed a lot more to our 401k by this point. My transition presents no financial burden to our relationship or to our financial future.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't think you're seeing the "real"problem here and it's just going to get bigger.

You two seem to be far too concerned about who pays what and who re-imburses who for what and why.

The words "I'll pay you back" don't exist in my marriage.

If she has it, it's mine.
If I have it it's hers.

We only ever discuss large purchases investments and never about who is contributing more or less.

There's too much "Me" and not enough "Us" going on here.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Did you talk to him at length about what this transition would mean for both of you? It sounds like you don't have a lot of "us" in this marrige. You make it sound more like a business arrangement (my money, my time, my exact 50% share of the chores, etc). 

If he knew and understood why you were making this transition, then I guess I see your point. But even though you guys share expenses 50/50, maybe he's resentful that now vacations or "extras" might have to be cut back because you can't afford the same level anymore. Or maybe he just resents the fact that you have this opportunity that he doesn't feel free to take as well.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Throwing a monkey wrench into it, since you are in your 20s, are you both expecting to have kids anytime soon? If that was the case, you would probably have to take that extra time off work anyway.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses so far. You are right--there's not a lot of "us" in our relationship. We are terrible at compromising (I haven't figured out why), so we both tend to do what we want and keep things separate (finances especially). I knew it would bite us in the butt at some point (and it will even more so when we have kids or buy a house).


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Throwing a monkey wrench into it, since you are in your 20s, are you both expecting to have kids anytime soon? If that was the case, you would probably have to take that extra time off work anyway.


Yes, definitely. I want to work from home when we have kids (I have the potential to expand my freelance work and make a lot more money). 

And as another example of how we don't negotiate/compromise very well, he said in a social setting the other day that his mother would come live with us when we have a baby. Without even mentioning or discussing the idea with me! 

We both have that tendency to try and bulldoze each other, which is why I made this transition decision without discussing it at length with him first.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Legally, in many jurisdictions, what's saved in a marriage is joint property, regardless of whose name is on the account. Exceptions are stuff owned before marriage and inheritances. 

Practically, the whole mine/yours financial thing in a marriage is foreign to me, so I can't help much. Besides suggesting you talk about it and clear things up before you have years of frustrations a d resentments to deal with. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I was waiting for the part where you talk about the yellow tape drawn down the middle of your house, showing your side versus his side.

Responsbilities, money, sex, time.... You can't be successful in marriage with a detailed accounting of these things one by one to make sure every single thing is "equal".

In marriage a husband and wife work together as a unit to assure that the collecve needs of their family as a unit are being met.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"Responsibilities" (earning money, maintaining a home, raising kids) comes before "true passions" (things you want to do but don't contribute to the "responsibilities").

As long as the "responsibilities" are divided equally i terms of time allotted then "passions" can be followed. Otherwise, he will find his "passion" in fishing, camping, etc... and you will be in the opposite situation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> "Responsibilities" (earning money, maintaining a home, raising kids) comes before "true passions" (things you want to do but don't contribute to the "responsibilities").
> 
> As long as the "responsibilities" are divided equally i terms of time allotted then "passions" can be followed. Otherwise, he will find his "passion" in fishing, camping, etc... and you will be in the opposite situation.


Yes, but in OP's case the responsibliites ARE shared equally, including the financial responsibilities...
Husband now wants her to do MORE than half of the house work since she only works parts time. Therefore if this couple were to follow through, the husband would be contributing only 50% of the finances and less than 50% of the other respoonsibilites..

This is why the whole fixation on who is doing what have no place in a marriage.

Both parties should be working hard to make the other person's existence better... That's a marriage. Getting comes from giving.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> "Responsibilities" (earning money, maintaining a home, raising kids) comes before "true passions" (things you want to do but don't contribute to the "responsibilities").
> 
> As long as the "responsibilities" are divided equally i terms of time allotted then "passions" can be followed. Otherwise, he will find his "passion" in fishing, camping, etc... and you will be in the opposite situation.


I completely see what you're saying, and you make a good point.

But what if I choose to make less money and spend less money? He spends his cash on guitars and equipment and other expensive things I would never consider buying, and that's fine because it makes him happy (ostensibly). By contrast, I have made the conscious choice to make less and spend less--in a sense, I am buying leisure TIME instead of, say a $500 guitar, like he does. Assuming that we both spend, say, 10 hours a week, on household chores and both contribute 50/50 to finances, why should I be penalized for my decision?

I would never say to him, "hey, instead of working this afternoon and making money that you'll use to spend on a $600 guitar, can you go to the grocery store for me?"


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Yes, but in OP's case the responsibliites ARE shared equally, including the financial responsibilities...
> Husband now wants her to do MORE than half of the house work since she only works parts time. Therefore if this couple were to follow through, the husband would be contributing only 50% of the finances and less than 50% of the other respoonsibilites..
> 
> This is why the whole fixation on who is doing what have no place in a marriage.
> ...


:smthumbup: You are so right. And we have definitely lost that last bit ("Both parties should be working hard to make the other person's existence better") in this fight we've been having.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read His Needs Her Needs, asap.

Did you discuss this with him before you made the change? Such important decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. This may end up having to be discussed in front of a therapist.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So lets see... You have disagreements or lack of communication on kids and how they'll be raised, you have disagreements on finances... Throw in religion and politics, and you'll cover all the major causes for divorce!

You two really need to start communicating and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and goals. You need to work together, as someone else already posted. Otherwise you might as well just be roommates who have sex occasionally. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Read His Needs Her Needs, asap.
> 
> Did you discuss this with him before you made the change? Such important decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. This may end up having to be discussed in front of a therapist.


Thanks! I will check it out asap. Sounds like a great book.

I did discuss it with him, but since I wasn't creating a financial burden on him, my approach was more "Let's openly communicate about what I'm doing--tell me what you're thinking even though I'll go through with it either way" instead of, "Is it OK with you if I do this"? 

And yes, I see that that was wrong of me.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I don't think you're seeing the "real"problem here and it's just going to get bigger.
> 
> You two seem to be far too concerned about who pays what and who re-imburses who for what and why.
> 
> ...


I agree.

It doesn't sound like a partnership. It sounds like you both are keeping score.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

How long have you been married? Why did you get married in the first place? It sounds like you guys would rather be single than give up an inch to work together in a partnership.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The concept of splitting finances equally cannot work in a marriage, period. What if you came into the marriage earning less than your husband? Can only marriages where husbands and wives earn the exact same amount survive? That would be pretty rare but indeed many marriges survive with unequal earnings.

What if you were to divide child rasing equally? Would he have to wear a weight around his stomach for 9 months? Would he have to have a cinderblock thrown at his back to simulate the pain of birth? Would he have to grow breasts and lactate?

Silly examples maybe... But just to illustrate that equality has no place in a marraige. You don't "fight for your piece" against your spouse... You both have to use your marriage as a resouce for mutual fulfillmenet. You "get more" out of being married to someone because the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.

The first thing I would suggest is complete consoldation of finances.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

newwife07 said:


> I completely see what you're saying, and you make a good point.
> 
> But what if I choose to make less money and spend less money? He spends his cash on guitars and equipment and other expensive things I would never consider buying, and that's fine because it makes him happy (ostensibly). By contrast, I have made the conscious choice to make less and spend less--in a sense, I am buying leisure TIME instead of, say a $500 guitar, like he does. Assuming that we both spend, say, 10 hours a week, on household chores and both contribute 50/50 to finances, why should I be penalized for my decision?
> 
> I would never say to him, "hey, instead of working this afternoon and making money that you'll use to spend on a $600 guitar, can you go to the grocery store for me?"



Ideally, the double income no kid (DINK) time is when you can live a somewhat enjoyable lifestyle and still bankroll some money to fall back upon when kids come along.

You both have a golden opportunity to set yourself up for the long haul, and you're blowing it. Whether it's him spending money on guitars or you cutting back work hours to "pursue your passion," you're both being immaturely wreckless with your family's future.

In addition to putting money away for retirement, now is the time to build up a nest egg for day-to-day surprises that will hit once you have a family. It won't be "his" money and "my" money anymore. It's both of your money. 

As DINKs, I issue the following challenge to you. Let's say you get each get paid bi-weekly. That's four checks a month. Can you keep household going on half of that total? That's the reality that you have to plan for. Once you have kids, his pay will go to cover household expenses. Whatever pay you get, will cover added expenses of having a family (day-care, diapers, food, medicine) And you're fooling yourself if you think you're going to start freelancing from scratch with family responsibilities in hand and just have people falling over themselves to write checks to you. Freelancing is hard work (I've done it for a dozen years, I know.) 

Based on your brief description, you don't sound anywhere near being ready to start of a family together. If he's not saving any money on his side living as a DINK, then shame on him, too. And it you can't agree on financial issues now - during the fat and happy times- you are in for a world of hurt down the road. 

In short, there will be a long-term price to be paid for your current "free-time." Better enjoy it. Your road will be massively harder down the line, and I don't sense your relationship has the foundation needed to manage any bumps in the road.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

newwife07 said:


> Thanks! I will check it out asap. Sounds like a great book.
> 
> I did discuss it with him, but since I wasn't creating a financial burden on him, my approach was more "Let's openly communicate about what I'm doing--tell me what you're thinking even though I'll go through with it either way" instead of, "Is it OK with you if I do this"?
> 
> And yes, I see that that was wrong of me.


You keep mentioning not creating a financial burden on him. But you're looking at your day to day lifestyle, not 50 years from now.

What happens when you're both 70 and his retirement package is HUGE because of what he made throughout his life. And you've burned through all your "savings" you did for a few years in your 20's...Are you expecting him to support you later in life?

That question is obviously a random possible situation, you don't know what's going to happen in 50 years, but it is a legitimate issue.

The problem here is you two are making the BIGGEST mistake in marriage. Everything is you versus him. It needs to be BOTH OF YOU versus issues.

What happens if you have a child? Are you going to alternate diapers?

I don't get the whole separate finances, dividing everything 50/50. Etc. My wife and I combine everything financially, talk about everything outside of small purchases and work together on chores. 

The key to it isn't about the division of chores/money. It's about a division existing in your marriage. Divisions...over time....transform into resentment. Resentment...over time....turns into divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I did separate finances for 30 years. It has nearly ruined us. Stop doing that - now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have rationalized that your spending, or not spending, doesn't affect him at all. But you're wrong.

Say that you usually spend $4k on a vacation each year. In the past, when you both made the same salary, spending $2k each wasn't a problem. But now, you can only spend $1k on a vacation. That means your husband has the choice of making up the difference, so he can go on the nice, $4k vacation, or he has to go on a $2k vacation because you made the decision to lower your salary. In this scenario, you are either a freeloader, or you have arbitrarily lowered your husband's standard of living.

Now, admittedly, there probably aren't all that many items like that. You've probably handled the transition without imposing many sacrifices on him. So, I will simply say that, if your marriage is the kind of formalized roommate situation that you portray it as, then your arrangement probably isn't all that harmful.

But I will add my concerns to that of the other posters. If you treat your husband as a roommate, then you should never loan him money, go into business together, get a pet together, buy a house (or really any property) together, and for God's sake, never have kids together. Children can't be divided up exactly 50/50.

I think the most successful marriages have a more traditional approach of joining lives. It's hard to join your lives when you handle everything separately.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

If you sign away your rights to alimony and his retirement plan then and only then would things be equal financially speaking. Since you make less income now his alimony payment will increase once you two divorce. Also, his 50% allows you to enjoy a lifestyle that you could not enjoy with only your income. Would you be willing to go jobless if you were on your own? Also once you leave the work force for a few years it becomes very difficult to get a decent career type job. Your'e taking a big risk in this economy.

I understand that you've saved and that you spend less, but like others have said your being short sighted. I can't imagine that you saved enough money to pay 50% of your expenses for the next 40 years so how long can you afford to pursure your dream? Who's medical insurance are you on? Can you get credit now that you don't have a job? Will you ever need a new car? Do you expect your lifestyle to remain stagnant forever? Do you already own a house? 

Don't get me wrong. Most real jobs flat out suck these days, but a marrriage is suppose to be a partnership for life and that includes both partners working toward each others life goals. Clearly you are not doing that now.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hey y'all, thanks again for taking the time to respond. Just to clarify, I have enough money saved up from my previous job to last me four years with no job (I was very lucky to have an inordinately high paying job abroad--with no US income taxes or even rent to pay--in my early 20s). I work part-time now and I don't dip into my savings--not even for vacations, which have always been low-budget because hubby prefers it that way. I have never had it in my plans to not work--even when we have children. My savings are my "family nest egg," and it's much larger than what most my peers have saved, so no, I do not feel guilty about the impact of my current lifestyle choice on our future family.

I think the problem is that we're not expressing our own needs or responding to each other's needs. While I won't go so far as to combine all our finances at this point, I will think about it for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> I think the problem is that we're not expressing our own needs or responding to each other's needs. While I won't go so far as to combine all our finances at this point, I will think about it for the future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Considering financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce, I really REALLY wouldn't wait long to get on the same page in that department.

Perhaps in addition to reading His Needs, Her Needs, a small dose of Financial Peace University might help.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

newwife07 said:


> Hey y'all,
> *I made the decision* to save a lot of money in a job I hated, then take a 40% pay cut, and work just 3 days a week so that *I could enjoy my "true passion" more.*


It would seem to me that this is a decision you perhaps should have made together?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

What is your hobby/passion? You mentioned working from home generating a freelance income when you have children. Is your hobby/passion is related to developing this home business?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

newwife07 said:


> Hey y'all, thanks again for taking the time to respond. Just to clarify, I have enough money saved up from my previous job to last me four years with no job (I was very lucky to have an inordinately high paying job abroad--with no US income taxes or even rent to pay--in my early 20s). I work part-time now and I don't dip into my savings--not even for vacations, which have always been low-budget because hubby prefers it that way. I have never had it in my plans to not work--even when we have children. My savings are my "family nest egg," and it's much larger than what most my peers have saved, so no, I do not feel guilty about the impact of my current lifestyle choice on our future family.
> 
> I think the problem is that we're not expressing our own needs or responding to each other's needs. While I won't go so far as to combine all our finances at this point, I will think about it for the future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what is your question? 3 pages of answers tell you that you are wrong. If you want us to tell you how to get your H to see things your way, I think you have the wrong crowd. Seriously - who doesn't have all the spare time in the world evening and weekends to 'pursue passions' with no children. I too join the group that thinks your H has more than a valid point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Splitting everything 50/50 isn't a marriage it's a business arrangement. And now you are paying a high price for a poor decision. 

You've set yourself up to fail. He resents your free time but if you do more housework you'll resent him. Something's got to give and honestly I can't see a way out of this.

You saved and saved and saved without even considering how he'd feel about it. I agree too much me and not enough us.

Your options are do more housework or work more. You made this bed and now you must lie in it.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The saddest part about reading this thread is the realization that everything that each side has "saved" will be on the table when the divorce arrives.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I can understand you not wanting to spend "all" your free time on household labor.But I do think you should compromise and do more of the chores since he does work longer hours regardless that you split the bills 50/50.I mean it does sort of sound like you are saying 'why should he benefit from my saving money to get this free time".

What you are essentially saying is you wont "share" the reward of your free time with him because you are the one who bought it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Yes the whole "50/50" thing never works .In marriage it can be 30/70 sometimes then "60/40" but the goal is each try to give 100/100 of what they can .I mean the whole 50/50 thing what happens when one of you lose your job and /or run out of money? You evict them?What happens when one of you is sick and the other one has to pick up the slack with domestic duties even has to do 100% of them for a week do they have to "pay you back' the next week?

I mean really?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry OP, but your marriage has dumpster fire written all over it. I see two selfish people who are too "me centered" to understand what marriage is all about. You two need to fix yourselves ASAP.
> 
> Sorry, but...


Wow, glad to know I am not the only WWF fans here. RIP Randy "MachoMan Savage" Poffo.. 

Sorry for the thread drift, Mrs. OP!


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