# Playing the victim



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I write, I edit, I am creative but sometimes words and phrases don't come out. It took a comedian on telly (their ability to observe and vocalize is amazing) to jog out those 3 words: 'Playing the victim' for me to get it.
In MC I searched for this phrase, this expression. If there is one thing I HATE about my W it is that she loves to play the victim. It is constant and it is wearing me down to a frazzle.
Does any one else experience this and how can it be dealt with?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I think the entire USA has a victim complex. Everybody is some kind of victim. Every news story is <insert victim>, followed by "what is the government doing to solve this problem?"

For the ultimate victim complex read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Viseral wow that is some heavy reading! I can see why the diagnosis is left to trained individuals.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Did you do or say something for her to do this? Has she always been this way or did something start it? Does she do this just when it comes to you or everyone?


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Her favourite word is 'Sorry' even when she has done nothing wrong. I get a nice dinner: Her 'Sorry if dinner wasn't great.' Me 'It was delicious.' Her 'Sorry if it wasn't enough.' And so on and so forth.
This is ongoing from the start of our M but gets really bad and under my skin at times.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

My husband does this a lot. I'll tell him he looks good, and he'll say "no I don't, you're just saying that..I'm ugly". I'll tell him that he did a good job with something and he'll say "yeah right"...things like that. Sometimes I don't know if he's just trying to be humble or what.....

But honestly, I believe it's a self esteem issue.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

It is partly a self esteem issue, but it is also a stick to beat me with. In MC she would say 'I don't do things well enough for him like washing the dishes or mopping the floor.' When the real truth is she is lazy and only half does stuff. The amount of times I have to put half washed forks, knives, etc. in for rewashing is uncountable. Yet she sees this as unjustifiable criticism!
So in MC I'm the controlling one, the bad Guy. Yet she won't admit to being half assed in what she does.
Some people are so used to hearing lies when they hear the truth it shocks them. She asks 'How are you?' I will say bad if bad, not lie. But 2 minutes later she asks the same question and expects a different answer! She sees this also as putting her down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lonesomegra said:


> It is partly a self esteem issue, but it is also a stick to beat me with. In MC she would say 'I don't do things well enough for him like washing the dishes or mopping the floor.' When the real truth is she is lazy and only half does stuff. The amount of times I have to put half washed forks, knives, etc. in for rewashing is uncountable. Yet she sees this as unjustifiable criticism!
> So in MC I'm the controlling one, the bad Guy. Yet she won't admit to being half assed in what she does.
> Some people are so used to hearing lies when they hear the truth it shocks them. She asks 'How are you?' I will say bad if bad, not lie. But 2 minutes later she asks the same question and expects a different answer! She sees this also as putting her down.


I see this as a fear of accountability or unwillingness to be held accountable. She knows she's half a$$ing things and that way if it's not good enough she can tell herself it's because she didn't try her best. And she already apologized so once again no accountability. It's a childish attitude from someone that fears adult responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Playing the victim can be a passive aggressive way of manipulating others to rescue and / or meet our needs. Healthy boundaries are key to dealing with this sort of behaviour.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> It is partly a self esteem issue, but it is also a stick to beat me with. In MC she would say 'I don't do things well enough for him like washing the dishes or mopping the floor.' When the real truth is she is lazy and only half does stuff. The amount of times I have to put half washed forks, knives, etc. in for rewashing is uncountable. Yet she sees this as unjustifiable criticism!
> So in MC I'm the controlling one, the bad Guy. Yet she won't admit to being half assed in what she does.
> Some people are so used to hearing lies when they hear the truth it shocks them. She asks 'How are you?' I will say bad if bad, not lie. But 2 minutes later she asks the same question and expects a different answer! She sees this also as putting her down.


Yeah, I know kind of how you feel. My husband will ask me if I love him over and over during the day. When I say "yes I do love you" he says "really?" I say "of course I do, I married you, I'm your wife, and I love you". And then 10 minutes later he asks it again. Sometimes I don't answer him now and he doesn't even question me. He asks it and I just ignore the question LOL.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Cosmos please give me an example of a healthy boundary to deal with this.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Somethingelse does this not wear you down and make you frustrated? Also how does his attitude impact on your sex life?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> When the real truth is she is lazy and only half does stuff. The amount of times I have to put half washed forks, knives, etc. in for rewashing is uncountable. Yet she sees this as unjustifiable criticism!
> So in MC I'm the controlling one, the bad Guy. Yet she won't admit to being half assed in what she does.


Do you think she just doesn't see the half-baked efforts It's entirely possible that she is unable to see the objective product of her actions because she is lacking self-confidence and self awareness. Her constant apologizing seems like she is overly aware of criticism, like it's become a burden she has to push past to do anything which is depleting her of the energy she needs to do a reasonably good job at whatever it is she is trying to do. Constantly asking you how you are is also a sign of insecurity in some respect. 

If you really want to help her, try to find out what it is that's making her feel insecure, inadequate, and self-conscious. Be supportive, if you can. You could always say, "Look, wife, I love you, but for some reason, you're being really insecure and your efforts at doing things are just not working. I'm not trying to criticize you for your failures but to help you out of this negativity. What is it that's got you feeling so down and insecure that you're self conscious of everything? Can we please fix it? I'd really like the confident and energetic you back and you don't seem happy either because you're always apologizing and trying to make sure everything is okay; it might be, if we deal with the problem! I bet there is some stuff I'm doing that might be upsetting you, too. Can you tell me what that is? Maybe we can both make life easier for ourselves because we are in this together, after all." Or, something like that. It might sound a little emo, but I bet you that if you can get her to chill out, she might relax enough to be in this marriage with you instead of feeling like she's got to offer up a happy life for you that she isn't able to manage and that is going badly in her attempts. 

Is she in individual counseling? She should be. If she isn't being passive aggressive and manipulative, she may simply be depressed and in need of some emotional support from you. Once you figure it out, it's a good idea to out boundaries and sources of healthy self-esteem for both of you.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Yeah, I know kind of how you feel. My husband will ask me if I love him over and over during the day. When I say "yes I do love you" he says "really?" I say "of course I do, I married you, I'm your wife, and I love you". And then 10 minutes later he asks it again. Sometimes I don't answer him now and he doesn't even question me. He asks it and I just ignore the question LOL.


Don't ignore him. He's reaching out to you because he needs to feel loved and it isn't happening. You might be showing him that you love him, but he isn't understanding those gestures. You might have different "love languages". See if you two can read the book or take the quiz together. It might help a little. If you show him love in his "love language" then he will probably stop being so needy and asking you all the time. He probably doesn't know how else to get affection and intimacy from you. It's an easy fix if you make the effort. If you keep ignoring it, the rift between you two will grow and he'll stop seeking this from you; maybe you'll both end up dissatisfied and seeking love elsewhere, maybe you'll just suffer because of the disconnection, but either way, better to deal with it before one or both of you are emotionally checked out of the marriage.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Moxy thanks for the suggestions but she hates the 'we can fix it' approach. As for IC she says it makes her feel bad it is all running her down, making her feel stupid. 

I feel she was over mothered and was 'babyed' at home. She never had to fend for herself, so she lacks a lot of basic skills.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Somethingelse does this not wear you down and make you frustrated? Also how does his attitude impact on your sex life?


Definitely wears me down. He's done this since we met. Never trusted a word I've said to him. And if you knew our back story you would understand why he doesn't trust anyone.

Over the years, I've become more of a hard a$$ because of his inability to see what he has. It's incredible. So now I ask HIM to work harder in the bedroom. And yes, sometimes when he acts like a victim I get infuriated, because he certainly is not a victim. Maybe a victim of his own behaviour but not from being with me. 

A lot of bad things have happened since we met including his constant need for attention and to be reassured all of the time, and I've changed as a woman toward him.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Somethingelse this tallys with me. My W does not work hard in the bedroom. Its beneath her.

I'd love a few sneaky or subtle tricks to change my W's negativity. Would me always talking positive help?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> Somethingelse this tallys with me. My W does not work hard in the bedroom. Its beneath her.
> 
> I'd love a few sneaky or subtle tricks to change my W's negativity. Would me always talking positive help?


Force her to learn how to accept a compliment as a first step.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Somethingelse this tallys with me. My W does not work hard in the bedroom. Its beneath her.
> 
> I'd love a few sneaky or subtle tricks to change my W's negativity. Would me always talking positive help?


Well you could try that and see how it works out, but honestly I don't think people who play the victim are going to get out of that mindset easily. As in, you playing Mr.Positivity might not snap her out of her inner turmoil, it might only make you more frustrated with lack of results. If she's anything like my husband, it's going to take a lot more than that to shake her out of this. Do you think maybe she could be depressed? 

What kind of husband would you describe yourself? 

To tell you the truth I've tried so many different things with my husband to see what helps like what I've mentioned above. But like I said, he's been a serial cheater. So he might be a little different from your wife personality wise.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Somethingelse, if your h is cheating, that changes things. Forget the love languages stuff. Show him the door, preferably the outside of it -- with newly changed locks and his stuff on the lawn. Then, go show yourself a good time with a guy who deserves your efforts! Serial cheaters seldom change. If you're feeling checked out, cut him loose. You'll be happier after your done grieving it all.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Somethingelse not trying to be frivolous but the nearest description I could get of myself as a husband would be Homer Simpson like. I mean well but things go wrong, I get over involved in projects often dragging the whole family in. I get really angry at injustice, I experiment a lot (electronics, sounds, video, photo sculptures, drama etc). I tend to manage to break things, like the top cover of my phone is scratched because I forget that to take off the cover I need to work from the bottom. I take a long time to finish stuff.

I don't think my attention levels are what she would like them to be. Her 'I told you that.' Me 'No you didn't.' And I never know if she did or not. I tend to talk to the TV/PC screen rather than look her in the eye. I think we are somewhat in the friendzone rather than husband & wife.

Also I am over weight, addicted to sweets, but I don't drink or do illegal drugs. Forget to shave most days, am very hairy but I have an alright set of teeth. See the perfect husband :smthumbup:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Somethingelse not trying to be frivolous but the nearest description I could get of myself as a husband would be Homer Simpson like. *I mean well but things go wrong, I get over involved in projects often dragging the whole family in. I get really angry at injustice, I experiment a lot (electronics, sounds, video, photo sculptures, drama etc). I tend to manage to break things, like the top cover of my phone is scratched because I forget that to take off the cover I need to work from the bottom. I take a long time to finish stuff.
> 
> I don't think my attention levels are what she would like them to be. Her 'I told you that.' Me 'No you didn't.' And I never know if she did or not. I tend to talk to the TV/PC screen rather than look her in the eye. *I think we are somewhat in the friendzone rather than husband & wife.
> 
> Also I am over weight, addicted to sweets, but I don't drink or do illegal drugs. Forget to shave most days, am very hairy but I have an alright set of teeth. See the perfect husband :smthumbup:



Do you have ADHD? It certainly sounds like it. And, while your wife may have big issues of her own, let me assure you that living with an untreated (either undiagnosed or, all too often, in denial about it being a problem) ADHD husband is beyond frustrating and crazy-making.

Just a thought.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Rowan I don't really know what ADHD is, I suppose it is a form of Attention Deficit, but I'll look it up. I do know I forget names and faces very easily.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you thought about doing things together? As in the chores? Instead of you working in separate rooms or doing separate things. 

If an example of doing things half way is she wipes the counter AROUND the appliances/canisters, how about move them for her? It makes it go faster and gets done more thoroughly and happy banter can go on during this.

This solves the problem if it really is that she was pampered and never learned how to do things. You can apply this to "you scrub, I rinse" cleaning the tub or "you vacuum, I'll move furniture" or "I vacuum sills and baseboards, you hold back drapes, etc."

However if she has esteem issues this may or may not be helpful Or she could be passive-aggressive trying to get you to either do things FOR her (you say she's lazy) or she might not care/have the same standards. Those may never change.

If she's not creative in the bedroom and lazy there, she may just be lazy. Maybe there you could just tease her and make her 'work' for it. 

Or tell her you'll hire a weekly cleaning lady if that saves her energy for the bedroom. Win-win.


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