# Young, confused, and looking for your insight!



## tumblewheel (Jun 18, 2014)

Hello. I have a quandary.

Okay, so... here's my situation in a nutshell; I'm married, and I am not always real sure that's a good thing.

We take pretty good care of each other. When you think of traits like honesty, loyalty, steadfastness - well, that's my husband. He gets me little gifts now and then, and he's sweet and levelheaded. Our sex life is good. He's everything you could dream of in a husband in many ways, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he's not quite perfect for me. 

I make efforts to change my habits for him, but not so much the vice versa, and this grates on me when perhaps it should not. Our communication is mediocre, for example - I've never been particularly open, but I strive to actively try to share with him whereas getting him to share anything is like pulling teeth yet I am considered a poor wife for not intuitively understanding what he's thinking or feeling. He won't try to amend this because he is a man, and men don't do that according to he and his family.

There are are a great many gender roles enforced - simply because his mother was able to work and go to to university full time making straight A's and cook well and keep the house clean and functioning doesn't mean I can do all those things or do them as well but that doesn't seem to click. Moreover, I wound up marrying his family more than I wound up marrying him.

I am a playmate to his nephew, who is very sweet and who's heart I'd never want to break. His brother is a bit of a family project, with issues such as addiction and violence he's working on patching up. We all live together, and it can be fun but it can also be very chaotic. Then there is his mother; she polices the relationship, and I feel under so much pressure to perform well and be what she deigns "a good wife" that I've lost sight of myself. I adore her as a person and a friend, and she's done much to mother and look after me, but...

I knew she was a powerful presence going into the marriage, and I was confident it was something that I could tolerate and adapt to well. Now that I've been living with it a while, I am uncertain. Attempting discussion always ends with "well, you're just wrong/oversensitive/whatever", so it's a discussion I've given up on. I'm not looking to change everything, I just want to meet half way, you know?

Now, I'm not exactly perfect either.

This family is extremely honest with one another. I have a very passive, conflict avoidant personality and will lie about little things to try and keep the peace - such as saying I've had breakfast when I haven't, or that I am doing alright in my university classes when I am struggling but think I can pull out. They consider these enormously hurtful lies, and though I am working hard to try and be as straightforward as they want me to be, a person doesn't change over night. Though I understand the need to change this behavior, the constant dogging of my most banal activities and name-calling (ie: "liar", "deceiver", etc.) do more to discourage me than anything else.

Basically, I feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew and feel that way quite often. Of course, no marriage is sunshine and roses. This is a young marriage, too - only two years old, though I am sad to say I've felt it's been an uphill climb for most of that, and not even necessarily because of my husband himself. Patience is a virtue. Love is an action, not always a feeling. I understand all of that. 

The real question is this - what can I do to improve things? I am trying to be level-headed about everything, and I would love any input I can get; I want to make things work, but I rather frequently feel as though I am running full-force into a brick wall and I am either too ignorant or just plain inadequate. 

Still, I find myself daydreaming of another life more than living the one I've got at the moment and I know that's not good.

... Help?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you living with his family? How long have you been married? How long did you date? How old are you?

C


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## tumblewheel (Jun 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> Why are you living with his family? How long have you been married? How long did you date? How old are you?
> 
> C


Thanks for taking the time to reply, C. Hopefully some of these details will help.

I am 24 years old, my husband is 33 years old. 

We have been married for two years, but have been dating 5 years and known each other 6 years.

Finances are part of the reason (everybody helps everybody) and the other reason is simply because he wants to live with his mom because he loves her. The idea of living all together isn't bad (and it's definitely better since we moved to a bigger location); I think it's more the lack of successful communication that's the issue but I am all ears to your thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... You married someone who is already married to his mother. Until that dynamic stops, your problems will continue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

A 33 y/o married man WANTS to live with his mom? I don't know...I could empathize with the financial reasons, but I can't imagine that other reason outside of real dysfunction.


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

First of all, I so appreciate your attitude. You really want solutions and I think you are on the right track. I think your issues might be all related to boundaries. When I married my husband, we NEEDED to be alone, I could not have lived with his family. Do you think that if given time and opportunity to develop your own life, your own relationship and your own secrets that are not shared with everyone that things would improve with the stress you are feeling? Having your own privacy would you really get to know one another? That is almost impossible when living with parents. Have you talked about the future, the next 6 months? If you call 1-800-A-Family you can talk to a free licensed counselor. They really have good advice. Keep talking to your DH...patiently like you said, tell him what you need and how you feel. With the attitude you have, you two will work it out. Hugs!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

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what can I do to improve things?

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*First I would suggest that you realize that your marriage has a LOT more good points than bad and that you are NEVER going to find some one “perfect” for you.*


Your first issue with him is that he does not share things with you and does not feel any need to change. That may never significantly change but you can find out ways to encourage him to get better. In the end you will have to weigh that against all the good you have going for you and decide what you are going to do.

Secondly, you seem to be comparing yourself with your husband’s mother too much. That maybe more your problem than his or your mother in-law. Perhaps you need to get to the point that you do not get so intimidated by her successes. In addition, do you think that you should address the fact that you want to please people too much and will even lie to get approval? *Your statements below would tell a good therapist a LOT about you. *


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I have a very passive, conflict avoidant personality and will lie about little things to try and keep the peace

But I rather frequently feel as though I am running full-force into a brick wall and I am either too ignorant or just plain inadequate.

Click to expand...

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You are brave in that you have opened yourself up and even told us the things that you need help with. In addition, you are smart enough to know that daydreaming about living another life is bad news. Finally, I think that you are a bit naive and do not have a balanced view about marriage because you said 



> He's everything you could dream of in a husband in many ways, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he's not quite perfect for me.



If you can afford it get a good therapist. If you cannot afford a therapist then join a free support group or find a female person that has been successful in marriage for decades to help you. Most cities and towns have a free secular organization that is set up for marriages and many places of faith also have these type organizations. At our church we have a licensed therapist that councils women for a small fee or free if they are in dire financial shape.


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