# Hello all



## D_wilson

Hello everyone, I would like to say that I have reading and learning from you all for quite some time now. I have found myself in a position where I NEED the brutal honesty that I have read on here many times..so here goes, I am a 47 year old man in my second marriage (8years), my wife is 46. She is and always has been a very "chatty" woman, and at times a little flirty but I've overlooked as just a part of her social butterfly personality. Until recently. I travel for work and have a job coming up that will last about 2 months so I agreed to hire someone to do some work in the yard (stain decks, landscaping etc...) I noticed that the owner of this business was hanging around a little too much, it just wasn't sitting well with me, so I sat back and observed. I got an email today from airbnb saying that an inquiry had been denied for 3-17-21 for a room right here in the town I live in. I did not make this inquiry and the only person who could have is my wife, she says the account must have been hacked. I decided to look at phone records which is something I HATE to do because I have always respected her privacy. But, the situation called for it, my wife and the landscaper have exchanged 21 phone calls in a 48 hour period and 3 of these calls were an hour or longer, the rest were no less than 14 minutes... I am losing my mind by not immediately calling my wife out but I want to wait and try to find a way to get in touch with this man's wife so that she can know atleast as much as I do at this point but I'm struggling. There have been a few other instances where a red flag went up like him asking if he could use my bathroom and already knowing where it was, and by how nervous he gets when it's just me and him, it's like he's feeling me out for something.... Am I overreacting or are my instincts right? I am so beside myself right now.


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## marko polo

Trust your gut.


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## farsidejunky

You KNOW what you are seeing. 

Now for the million-dollar question:

What do you intend to do about it?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## D_wilson

I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children and I'm not interested in unnecessarily hurting or altering a child's life. But I'll be putting by big boy underwear on and moving forward with my life without her.


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## farsidejunky

D_wilson said:


> I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children and I'm not interested in unnecessarily hurting or altering a child's life. But I'll be putting by big boy underwear on and moving forward with my life without her.


That sounds good.

That said, don't go down the rabbit hole of needing enough proof to make her admit she is cheating. Rather, get just enough evidence to confirm your suspicions. So many betrayed spouses get stuck in the paralysis by analysis rut.

Furthermore, cheaters will gaslight you and try to convince you to not believe your "lying eyes". 

"No, I wasn't sleeping with him. I was just laying on his bed."

"I was only naked because it was hot!" 

"I was only moaning because I had a headache!"

"I only kept it from you because I knew you would be mad!"

"I swear on our children's lives I would never cheat!"

You get the picture. 

When you have that evidence, take the action that is best for you.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## FlaviusMaximus

I'd say you have enough evidence to confront her. His wife ought to know also.


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## sokillme

She is calling the guy 24/7 and renting a room. Do intend to stay with a wife who could do that to you? If you do then I guess you can wait because at least she won't be able to gaslight you and say they didn't have sex or whatever. I suggest you get a private investigator and find this guys wife. If not I would talk to your lawyer and give her papers. If you have been reading on here long enough you know the stronger you are the better you do.

You would probably have a better life in the long run if you find someone better. If you try to stay together, you are looking at a bunch of minimizing and lying. You will probably never know the true extent of it.

Required reading.









Those who move through it with action.


So one of my last post got me thinking about the post where people successfully moved on from the people who cheated on them and seem to be better off. My contention is that swift action even if it is years later helps with healing. I thought I would like a few. If you know other please...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





I'm sorry dude. Destroy this guy and his business.


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## D_wilson

I have no intention of staying, please don't misunderstand me on that. This is the type of woman who would punch herself in the mouth and call the police on me.... I will have all my ducks in a row and all of my belongings out of the house before starting that particular fire.


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## SunCMars

D_wilson said:


> I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children and I'm not interested in unnecessarily hurting or altering a child's life. But I'll be putting by big boy underwear on and moving forward with my life without her.


Good answer, if such a thing exists for you in this horrible situation.

She has already soiled your marriage. Now it is up to you to just file and get it over with.

Using your credit card for a B&B is really foolish and careless.

Reckless, is a better term. She did learn this behavior, suddenly. I see this as something she has been doing for some while. This is the first time she has been caught.


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## Blondilocks

1. Buy a voice activated recorder and keep it on for all interactions with your wife.
2. Fire the landscaper.


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## D_wilson

I will make sure his wife knows and she can handle how she sees fit...


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## D_wilson

The recorder is a good idea, my oldest son who is a police officer also suggested that.


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## Casual Observer

D_wilson said:


> I have no intention of staying, please don't misunderstand me on that. This is the type of woman who would punch herself in the mouth and call the police on me.... I will have all my ducks in a row and all of my belongings out of the house before starting that particular fire.


Why on earth would you have married such a woman? There's no way you couldn't have seen some of the signs.


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## Mybabysgotit

D_wilson said:


> This is the type of woman who would punch herself in the mouth and call the police on me....


Wow...this really resonates with me. My ex actually did this to me and had me sent to jail. She then did the same thing with the next guy that came around.

DO NOT STAY WITH THIS WOMAN!! Whether she's cheating or not, SHE IS, life is miserable with these types of women. 

Let me take a wild guess, your wife also constantly needs validation from other men especially if another woman likes him. 

Best day of my life when I drove away from her. It'll be yours too


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## D_wilson

She absolutely does need validation from other men, and women. And yes I did see some red flags before we got married but I had blinders on I suppose, I really dont have an excuse... I should have paid close attention... I could go on all day about small things that have just exhausted me but those things are really neither here nor there at this point


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## sokillme

D_wilson said:


> I have no intention of staying, please don't misunderstand me on that. This is the type of woman who would punch herself in the mouth and call the police on me.... I will have all my ducks in a row and all of my belongings out of the house before starting that particular fire.


So I would be out and done right when you drop the papers. No need to allow her to have any control over you through conflict, if she does just tell her you done, your feelings for her are gone and there is no need to waste time. Get all your ducks in a row, tell her you are done and jet. Leave communication to a minimum, and have a VAR on you when you do. Particularly if you know she would frame you.


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children


I totally agree with you on this, but start investigating.


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## D_wilson

I want to thank all of you for letting me unload my problems on you and for your advice, the update is that I'm a terrible actor and I couldn't keep pretending something wasn't eating at me so I confronted her and showed her the phone records. She very calmly (completely not a normal reaction) started doing exactly what I expected which was make excuses, "we've become good friends and he needed someone to talk to" and my favorite was "we were also going over some things for the yard". It was a total of 27 phone calls totalling 9hrs 41 minutes in a 76 HR time frame... Nonetheless, I am going to start moving my things out of the house this weekend.


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> I want to thank all of you for letting me unload my problems on you and for your advice, the update is that I'm a terrible actor and I couldn't keep pretending something wasn't eating at me so I confronted her and showed her the phone records. She very calmly (completely not a normal reaction) started doing exactly what I expected which was make excuses, "we've become good friends and he needed someone to talk to" and my favorite was "we were also going over some things for the yard". It was a total of 27 phone calls totalling 9hrs 41 minutes in a 76 HR time frame... Nonetheless, I am going to start moving my things out of the house this weekend.


Oh wow.


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## sokillme

D_wilson said:


> I want to thank all of you for letting me unload my problems on you and for your advice, the update is that I'm a terrible actor and I couldn't keep pretending something wasn't eating at me so I confronted her and showed her the phone records. She very calmly (completely not a normal reaction) started doing exactly what I expected which was make excuses, "we've become good friends and he needed someone to talk to" and my favorite was "we were also going over some things for the yard". It was a total of 27 phone calls totalling 9hrs 41 minutes in a 76 HR time frame... Nonetheless, I am going to start moving my things out of the house this weekend.


Good for you, don't fall for the inevitable love bombing that is to follow. How any married person would think it's OK to have 9 hours of calls, with a stranger of the opposite sex, is just ridiculous and she knows that.

Sounds like you picked the wrong person, unfortunately.


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## D_wilson

For what it's worth, I confronted him as well, his excuses were different than hers and his wife can take it from here


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## SunCMars

He trimmed away her inhibitions, and landscaped away her boundaries. I am sure he planted his bulb in her garden more than once.

Good job on plucking the weeds from her words. 

You did right.

Why take the time to unravel her actions? It is obvious that she is cheating.

A little, a lot, both are too much.


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> For what it's worth, I confronted him as well, his excuses were different than hers and his wife can take it from here


What excuses did he give?


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## jlg07

When you confronted HIM -- was his wife there? Sounds like SHE is also now fully aware of this?
Give his wife a copy of the phone records.
I also hope you fired him....


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## D_wilson

Yes, his wife knows, his excuse was that she has been trying to help him get more business, and as far as I'm concerned on the level or amount of cheating isn't important to me, the line was crossed by just simply sneaking around on the phone


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> Yes, his wife knows, his excuse was that she has been trying to help him get more business, and as far as I'm concerned on the level or amount of cheating isn't important to me, the line was crossed by just simply sneaking around on the phone


Wait, sorry. What were your wife's excuses? Sorry if you mentioned it already, might have missed it.


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> But, the situation called for it, my wife and the landscaper have exchanged 21 phone calls in a 48 hour period and 3 of these calls were an hour or longer, the rest were no less than 14 minutes


Ok. This...forget my question. She is full of it. So is he. They're covering their tracks.


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## GC1234

D_wilson said:


> I got an email today from airbnb saying that an inquiry had been denied for 3-17-21 for a room right here in the town I live in. I did not make this inquiry and the only person who could have is my wife, she says the account must have been hacked.


First of all, why did YOU get the email? Not a chance it was hacked. I would email back and ask if it's possible to get hacked by them, and then ask who made the inquiry?


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## DesertRat1978

The real bombshell is the item about the airbnb. There is no way that it was hacked. Phone calls, texts, etc are one thing but the overnight stay... only one reason that someone does that. I was with a woman like this in my late teens and early 20's, best path is to get out and get some distance.


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## marko polo

D_wilson said:


> This is the type of woman who would punch herself in the mouth and call the police on me


No offense but why did you marry her in the first place? Why are you still married to her if this is her true nature outside of an affair?

Use her affair to your advantage. It will keep her distracted while you get ready to bail out.


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## D_wilson

I got the email because it's my account, I travel for work and I use airbnb, she has access to the account but apparently did not know that I would be alerted to activity on it. As far as why I married her, like anyone who believes they have found "the one", I didn't pay attention to the warning signs. I believe in respecting someone's boundaries and personal privacy, spouse or otherwise. I won't even reach into her purse if she's sitting right beside me, so until the mysterious airbnb thing, I simply trusted her.


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## QuietRiot

D_wilson said:


> I got the email because it's my account, I travel for work and I use airbnb, she has access to the account but apparently did not know that I would be alerted to activity on it. As far as why I married her, like anyone who believes they have found "the one", I didn't pay attention to the warning signs. I believe in respecting someone's boundaries and personal privacy, spouse or otherwise. I won't even reach into her purse if she's sitting right beside me, so until the mysterious airbnb thing, I simply trusted her.


Well it seems you don’t need the brutal honesty as you’ve already taken action... which is great for you. Hopefully you have all your stuff out and go no contact with her before she decides to incite drama... speaking of... what kind of lifestyle do you provide her? Will she be trying to go after you in a divorce?

I hope you get out of there before the crazy starts. Good luck!


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## D_wilson

Yes, she will. She even asked me if I was going to continue to pay the utility bills for her, I am not a rich man but I have provided a good lifestyle for her.


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## Blondilocks

This is her house and you have no financial/legal interest in it, correct?


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## D_wilson

Correct


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## Blondilocks

Good. I hope you told her where to shove her utility bills.


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## D_wilson

In so many words, yes I did.. I'm biting my tongue a lot because I want to leave peacefully and civilly.


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## DudeInProgress

D_wilson said:


> In so many words, yes I did.. I'm biting my tongue a lot because I want to leave peacefully and civilly.


Why? Her actions weren’t peaceful or civil, why would you bite your tongue at all? I’m not suggesting you should unnecessarily start World War III, but you should feel no requirement to act amicably either.


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## D_wilson

Because I'm better than that, I made a promise to myself AND to her in the beginning, that if I felt unwanted, which obviously I do, that I would just walk away peacefully. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ghandi by any means but I know when she realizes what she has lost, I'll get the pleasure of informing her that her spot has already been taken... Whether it actually has or not.. I most certainly will not go diving into another relationship for some time... I will not sit and wallow in my sorrows.


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## QuietRiot

D_wilson said:


> Because I'm better than that, I made a promise to myself AND to her in the beginning, that if I felt unwanted, which obviously I do, that I would just walk away peacefully. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ghandi by any means but I know when she realizes what she has lost, I'll get the pleasure of informing her that her spot has already been taken... Whether it actually has or not.. I most certainly will not go diving into another relationship for some time... I will not sit and wallow in my sorrows.


Yeah well amicability is a two way street, so just watch your back if she’s the type to do whatever it takes to get bankrolled. Kind of hard to be nice to someone who wants to destroy you... hope she doesn’t go there.


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## Andy1001

D_wilson said:


> Because I'm better than that, I made a promise to myself AND to her in the beginning, that if I felt unwanted, which obviously I do, that I would just walk away peacefully. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ghandi by any means but I know when she realizes what she has lost, I'll get the pleasure of informing her that her spot has already been taken... Whether it actually has or not.. I most certainly will not go diving into another relationship for some time... I will not sit and wallow in my sorrows.


Martyrdom is not a spectator sport my friend and what you see as kindness she will see as weakness and will manipulate the situation to her advantage. 
When you talk about her realizing what she’s lost it’s fairly clear that you don’t understand her at all. You are judging her by normal standards, she’s not normal and she will probably never be able to accept that what she did was wrong. She will be justifying all of her actions in her mind and blaming you for either overreacting or not being there when she needed you. 
Don’t expect irrational people to behave rationally, it’s a foolish expectation. 
Good luck in the future whatever you decide to do.


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## D_wilson

She is that type but I'm not going to allow myself to reeled in to something that could potentially be harmful to me in some way.


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## D_wilson

I do understand her and I'm not trying to be a martyr in any way, the fact is that at this point, there is absolutely nothing to fight about. I am fully aware that she is being irrational with what she thinks she's going get from me. This is a woman who still goes running to her daddy when she doesn't get her way and he buys her something shiny and it's all better. I'm not going to lose my cool and argue about an electric bill when I know I'm about to start moving out this morning


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## QuietRiot

D_wilson said:


> I do understand her and I'm not trying to be a martyr in any way, the fact is that at this point, there is absolutely nothing to fight about. I am fully aware that she is being irrational with what she thinks she's going get from me. This is a woman who still goes running to her daddy when she doesn't get her way and he buys her something shiny and it's all better. I'm not going to lose my cool and argue about an electric bill when I know I'm about to start moving out this morning


Hope it all goes well! Her daddy is going to have to get her a Bentley to make this all better. Best that she become his problem again.


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## Wolfman1968

D_wilson said:


> I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children and I'm not interested in unnecessarily hurting or altering a child's life. But I'll be putting by big boy underwear on and moving forward with my life without her.





D_wilson said:


> I'm sitting back and watching until I have enough proof to justify confronting BOTH of them. I also do not want to tell his wife something that I'm not 100 percent certain of, they have small children and I'm not interested in unnecessarily hurting or altering a child's life. But I'll be putting by big boy underwear on and moving forward with my life without her.


Standard Evidence Post


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## Al_Bundy

Sounds like you have your question answered. I don't know if your state has at fault divorce, but if she goes after your assets might be something to look into. At this point I'd recommend two books to help keep you out of similiar situations in the future, Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and The Tactical Guide to Women by Dr Shawn Smith.


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## D_wilson

I have started moving out and SO FAR, there has been no drama.. I do anticipate there will be in the next few days but to be completely honest, I think she's kind of in shock right now, I don't think she took me seriously when I said she broke the one rule that I would not try to "fix"... I don't believe she really thought I would leave. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not hurt. What hurts the most is that she not only did this to me, she has also done this to her 12 year old son, I have 3 of my own kids from a previous marriage and they're all adults so my stepson has become one of my best buddies, my sidekick... That's where she's really gonna get me because she will brainwash him against me.. I've been the only father figure in his life since he was 2, I have sat down with him and had a one on one guy talk with him about things but I had to be vague about the why of it all because I will not talk bad about his mother to him or around him. That is what's breaking my heart at the moment because I watched him fighting back tears while we talked...


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## jlg07

You can always tell him that YOU will always be there for him -- he can always call you, come to meet you, etc.. TELL him that his mother will probably try to bad-mouth you to him, but realize that you didn't take doing this lightly and there were things she did that you cannot tolerate. You DO NOT have to tell him or bad mouth her, but in fact telling him the TRUTH is NOT bad mouthing her.


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## D_wilson

I did those exact things, I did tell him that he would hear bad things about me and he was more than welcome to ask me absolutely anything. He has made the statement long before this that I am the only one who actually tells him the truth and keeps my promises... I take a great deal of pride in keeping my promises to my kids, i always have... His mother and grandfather like making empty promises or excuses, they tell you what you want to hear to buy time


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