# husband doesn't fight fair



## standup (Jul 9, 2010)

I have been married for two years, in a relationship with him for four.

When things are good they are pretty good. Used to be great.

When things are bad it all goes to hell.

We have had extreme stresses in our lives from my ex and blending our kids that definitely made things go bad faster then they should have.

I told my husband recently that the stresses in my life are taking a huge toll on me. I throw it out there regularly that I'm stressed. He doesn't say much. We go on with our life. 

Two nights ago I get into bed a little frustrated and perplexed and ask him why he doesn't care that I am stressed. He asks what I mean and I then give him the very short one paragraph version of the things that are about to give me a nervous break down. 

He says it's 11:45 at night, why am I bringing this up now and not at 7:00. I said it shouldn't matter what time it is. I told him that the other people around at work etc... pay more attention and ask me how I'm doing with everything then he does. He says I was fine the day before then he blames it on the wine I had earlier.

I got mad, left the bed, told him he was an ass and said I guess I can't count on anyone but me and left the room.

I called my sister (whom I never call,but I knew she would be awake that late at night) and broke down crying telling her all the stresses I was feeling and how my husband doesn't care.

It has been almost two days and my husband I haven't talked. Last night I went to bed and he got up and left.

Today I texted him and asked why he left the bed and he said he didn't want to sleep with me.

We are both professionals. Generally mild mannered, "normal" people. These kinds of arguments are happening more and more. He will not go to counseling.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.


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## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

If I had to guess, I would say that you are both stressed beyond your brink. If so, he is probably feeling some resentment towards you due to you putting him on the spot about your feelings when you haven't inquired as to his. Sit down and have a talk with him when you are both calm and level-headed and ask him about his feelings before delving into yours. It may just be that he isn't feeling noticed or appreciated by you because you haven't noticed him as much due to all your stress. If you take the time for him, he should take the time for you so that you can work together in combatting your problems rather than you trying to carry all the burden.


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## standup (Jul 9, 2010)

You are right, we are both stressed. But I do ask him about how he is feeling and he just doesn't like to think or talk about anything that is negative so he'll always say he is fine. 

I am learning the longer we are together that as long as the "boat doesn't get rocked" so to speak, that he will be the best husband he can be, but as soon as you rock the boat no matter what the reason he shuts down or worse will start dismissing me by telling me what I am saying is stupid and eventually resorts to calling me names. And lately the boat is always getting rocked...


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## standup (Jul 9, 2010)

I'm not looking for anyone to back me up on who is an ass or not... I am very serious about all of this and not feeling like I ever have anyone to back me up when things get rough is a very lonely feeling... I will look up this technique of mirroring...


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## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

It is a very lonely feeling and it can only do damage in the long run. As it eats away at you, it can cause you to build and harbor more resentment towards your husband. Why don't you both try mirroring? It's exceptionally difficult for just one person in the marriage to take a step in the right direction and it could be months before you see results if you go it alone, and that could also anger you. You would feel like the only one trying to make changes. And that's something you definitely don't want. Try talking to your husband about the possibility of change. Maybe he'll be interested enough to learn more.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

standup said:


> I told my husband recently that the stresses in my life are taking a huge toll on me. I throw it out there regularly that I'm stressed. He doesn't say much. We go on with our life.
> 
> Two nights ago I get into bed a little frustrated and perplexed and ask him why he doesn't care that I am stressed. He asks what I mean and I then give him the very short one paragraph version of the things that are about to give me a nervous break down.


I think your approach is part of the problem. As others suggested mirroring as an approach to better communication, I suggest you find some solutions to the issues in your life that are causing you stress. It might not be that your husband is a fair weather type of guy. It might just be that he responds to you and other criteria in a different way than you expect.

I'm going to say this because I'm not one for mincing words so forgive me in advance for being forward. I think you are being childish. If I were your husband, no doubt I would respond similarly. That is only to say I don't see where you gave him anything to respond to because all you were doing is complaining about how stressed you are. So what did you expect him to do? Give you a hug? It sounds like you want attention and act out in negative ways (like children do) in order to get it. For me to have anything to respond to, I need to know what the problem is, and the problem is not that you are stressed. The problem is what causes the stress. So - again if I were your husband - and you complain that you are stressed, I'd wonder how I am expected to respond. I would likely ask "Why are you so stressed?" in attempt to get something out of you that I can help with. But because I am neither doctor nor wizard, I cannot help with the stress. I can or will try, however, to help you find solutions to the issues that cause you stress. So I would need you to come to me with the problem, not a whining complaint for attention.

Your husband is not a mind reader. As I just tried to explain, he needs something concrete to work with. But your childish temper tantrum pushes him away, and look at how he responded to you after that. Again, you are trying to get attention by acting out negatively and turn around to complain about him mirroring (pun intended) your behavior. Okay, so you need him to care. You need to know he cares. Then tell him what you need from him so that you know he cares.


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