# Can't get over being so nieve



## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

Even though it's been almost 2 years since I learned of my H's A I can't get over the fact that the evidence was right in front of my own eyes even at the very beginning and I didn't even think about an A. I didn't dig into anything that I knew was odd. So much was right there if only I gave it a thought.

How do you get over this? .. So many things were right in front of my face.. heck, my H said they even had sex the first time in our shed while I was in the kitchen, only a few feet away. It kills me that I could be so stupid...

If only we could go back in time.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Don't focus on going back in time....focus on going forward. Know better do better.
I was right there with you. Sometimes you don't see what you don't want to see.
It isn't about being stupid. 

I hope that you are working on your marriage, forgiveness, and getting better.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Stop kicking yourself for loving and trusting your husband. That's what you're supposed to do.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Stop kicking yourself for loving and trusting your husband. That's what you're supposed to do.


Exactly, I so 100% trust my wife that she could literally get away with an affair for years and I probably wouldn't know it.

Matter of fact, the other day she had some "problems" down "there". Some type of infection.

The doctor made her take a chlamydia test, said they had to with her symptoms. She laughed and said "look, my husband has never been with anyone else and neither have I"

Of course it came back negative, it was something else, but just her response to him along with her telling me the whole story showed how much we trust each other.

You are right, she can't beat herself up for trusting her husband.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

fairydust said:


> How do you get over this? .. So many things were right in front of my face..


You're a couple of years older and ahellova lot wiser now. You now know what to look for. You are no longer nieve.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

fairydust. 

You need to go through this. It seems you haven't completely mourned over your broken trust. Let it all out, sit down with a couples counselor if you have to and do it there. 

Maybe you are afraid of being angry. To me, it seems like you are leading up to anger...your boiling over but maybe your just using logic again, and rationalizing it away because its been too long. Isn't that what you did before? Didnt they take full advantage of that? 

Start putting yourself first, your feelings, and your needs. Suddenly, things will become much clearer.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You trusted your husband, so why would you be "on guard"? 

Your anger is turned inward because you don't want to turn it outward at your H.

Also, a part of you thinks you could have prevented his failures if you could have had better radar. 

Truth is, you can't stop a cheater, only a cheater can stop him or herself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I dont think that you are dumb love is blinding at times and you dont want to believe that its that way!


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Stop kicking yourself for loving and trusting your husband. That's what you're supposed to do.


:iagree:


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## nappilymarried (Jun 25, 2008)

yes i agree with them. i used to blame myself for my husband flirting with other women, calling and texting them for over the first two years of our marriage.im not sure if he physically cheated. but its very likely that he did. and i know he has the tendency to do so, going by the explicity of the messages i read from him to those women.now i realize that it's not my fault for trusting my husband. but i will be somewhat to blame if he continues this behavior and i continue to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking he will change. when we both know that he wont and it will probably get worse. my question is, is he still having an affair and are you still with him?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You saw things were wrong you just chose not to trust your instincts, much easier to see the truth with hind sight, don't beat yourself up. Two years seems like a long time to be blaming your self for HIS bad behavior. 
I don't understand why he had to tell you that the first time they had sex was in the shed, just a few feet from you. Was he bragging? Was he just trying to hurt you? Or did you ask for specific details? Are you still together? If you are still together his current actions and attitudes may a lot to do with the guilt you are feeling. He commited adultry, don't let him ever make you feel like it was your fault or you could have prevented it. He was wrong, and did wrong, plain and simple.

Cooper


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its called trust. I am in the same boat but I've already gotten over that. Its your H that should be ashamed for taking advantage of your trust and being a sneaky, kniving, lying.... you get my point. Not on you, its on him. I hope he feels the same only that its he can't get over how he betrayed your trust.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

Nappilymarried: We are still together and I know he hasn't cheated anymore.

Cooper: I asked for specific details. I kept asking more and more questions. I wanted to know the answers although it was hard. He does take the blame and tells me it's not my fault it was all him.

I think my issue is that I was friends with the OW and she showed me many signs that I just didn't put 2 and 2 together. Her and I would walk our dogs and suddenly she stopped. Never wanted to go when I did but I'd see her walking later. We'd call each other about something but she always wanted to get off the phone quick. One day she came in my kitchen and stood real close to my H while I was sitting at the table. And then the big one... she talked to me about herpes but looked at our dog cage the entire time...year later I finally put it together.. she must have gotten herpes from my H who got it from me. I had it prior to meeting my H but I think OW thinks he gave it to me from cheating. Duh???

And I had two dreams of them actually having sex in our bed. This dream was while the A was occuring. At one point I found a long straight hair in the bed and I have curly hair. I just never gave it a thought, didn't even cross my mind.

Forgive me, I'm one of those people that when I make a mistake at work I go over it and over it trying to figure out why I did what I did. I know we all make mistakes but I can't help myself.

I think just the fact that we still across from OW is making things much harder for me. I only hope it's twice as hard on her too.


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