# How "Cheating" becomes people "Change"...



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Another one of the small reflections I have had on the situation with my now exwife regarding her direct pursuit of and involvement with another man when we were married was how the cheater tends to create this whole new story of the matter. Attributing all of the secrecy, lies, deceit, and resulting destruction of their own family by their own hand, to an all encompassing "happenstance" beyond their own control... 
How convenient. 

They're not going to EVER admit that they fked up so badly, or have become the type of person they did by ruining their family by cheating, carrying on in a secret manner, planning and scheming ways to continue that way. The layers of "sorry-assed-ness" just are so deep.

The most recent revelation that Ive heard is that there was "nothing" going on between my exwife and her OM, but that she just "changed" and that people just "change". 
OH,, well,, now I understand! LOL...
How minimizing, and absolving that is. Lets turn all that secret behind the back texting and calling and meeting in private, into one simple excuse that well, people change, and checked out a long time ago. 
Sorry, that doesnt cut it. The ACTION and CHOICE to involve yourself with another person while married is in and of itself a direct affront to your integrity, the value of your promises, and your concern for your family and its well being. 
I dont plan on buying into this "people change" excuse that minimizes and absolves the direct choice she made to be a liar and a cheat. 
Im sorry, thats like trying to carry water in a brown paper sack.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That's the way they roll alright. 

Kind of makes you wonder when getting involved with another person who was married or was involved in a long term relationship. You ask yourself "Was their ex-husband/ex-wife" really all that bad, or are they covering up something they did?

I know I had a few trust issues when I remarried.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I got the same line of crap.... it angered me greatly


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Oh... They do change. Deeply.

Probably a more detailed adjective would be better though...

Like if you had beautiful painting and you took a massive sh*t on it, its definetly changed.

Or if a animal gets hit by a car and its bloated corpse rots in a ditch... it does change... 

lol.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Like if you had beautiful painting and you took a massive sh*t on it, its definetly changed.
> 
> Or if a animal gets hit by a car and its bloated corpse rots in a ditch... it does change...
> 
> lol.


Vivid images you paint!!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> The one I hate as much as "people change" is "we grew apart".
> 
> No, you actively started a secret life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got the same line of crap.... guess we WOULD grow apart while you were f--ing someone else behind my back wouldn't we?? WTF???


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Mealy-mouthed BS is infuriatingly lame.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Exactly Shoo. I think you are absolutely correct.


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## lostontheroad (Nov 9, 2011)

It's so funny. I have a close family friend who has been happily married for over 50 years. He always says that when you marry, you are committing to be married to about 5 different people throughout your life. Because it's true, people DO change. We all change and grow. And that's a realistic stress on relationships.

But the appropriate response to stress on a relationship is to talk it out, seek counseling, and/or divorce. Deceiving your partner and fking someone else is NOT an appropriate response. And that's the core of the matter. The fact that people change may explain the attraction to the OM, it may explain a fundamental incompatibility between you. But it does not justify the decision to act in such a destructive, hurtful, dishonest way.


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## q4truth (Nov 4, 2011)

lostontheroad said:


> It's so funny. I have a close family friend who has been happily married for over 50 years. He always says that when you marry, you are committing to be married to about 5 different people throughout your life. Because it's true, people DO change. We all change and grow. And that's a realistic stress on relationships.
> 
> But the appropriate response to stress on a relationship is to talk it out, seek counseling, and/or divorce. Deceiving your partner and fking someone else is NOT an appropriate response. And that's the core of the matter. The fact that people change may explain the attraction to the OM, it may explain a fundamental incompatibility between you. But it does not justify the decision to act in such a destructive, hurtful, dishonest way.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Clarity - ultimate destination.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that there is some truth to Shoo's revelation, but I see it a little differently.

People do change. We are constantly changing and adjusting to different stressors, motivators, and behaviors.
My wife and I did grow apart due to lack of communication, job changes, home changes, a child's illness, etc, etc.
Where we failed was communication.

Starting the affairs for us wasn't a snap decision to find something better, but a reaction to the unhappiness in our own lives. 
I had a wife who rarely wanted to make love to me or to show any interest whatsoever in any of my hobbies, dreams, and emotional needs.
I didn't know how to tell her or that I was even supposed to.

My wife had a husband with a very strong Alpha personality with very few Beta traits. I was the boss. No questions, do it my way. I was controlling and often verbally and emotionally abusive.

The OM and OW both recognized this unhappiness and used it. We fell for it and both found a person that wanted, desired us as we were, made us feel good and showed us attention.

Once everything was out in the open, we realized what we were doing to each other and realized that we really did love each other, but just didn't know what to do.
Thank God for our counselor. She showed us where we were screwed up and how to change our actions and thought processes in order to come back together and be happy.

So I think people do change and it is not always a voluntary shift. That does not excuse infidelity in any way, but it sure did help explain how we ended up there.

I'd also like to add that we still have our personalities intact. I am still an Alpha, but have thrown a lot more Beta in and bite my tongue when she does or says something that irritates me. It's not worth it.
She takes a greater interest in my activities and is actually finding that they interest her somewhat.
We discuss everything now and never sit on something that is bothering either of us.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> The ACTION and CHOICE to involve yourself with another person while married is in and of itself a direct affront to your integrity, the value of your promises, and your concern for your family and its well being.



So very well-stated! :iagree:


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Well I never even received the "changed" reason. I received nothing other than lies. And the reason was that if the affair did not work out I was the fall back position. He has demonstrated that the OW is not even important to him and yet she did this with her own marriage of 45 years. My mind is blown away that people do these things.

He was bored so he told me. Bored! So do something creative, don't have an affair because you have run out of ideas. But that was the reason and that is what this spectularly, unimaginative person did.

And yet, I still mourn but not that horrible, painful stuff. It's really loneliness more than anything now.

I did learn a couple of lessons: do onto others being the foremost.

Listen all: Karma is a b_ _ _ _ _. It does come round.


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

I totally get where you're coming from Sparkles422.

My marriage of 25 years crashed when my STBXWW told me "there's no passion and I'm bored". No other explanation given or remorse shown.

Flash forward to today 2 years since DDay and my daughter just informs me that my STBXWW is thinking of leaving the POM since "he doesn't show me affection". I'm not only going to jump on the Karma Bus, hell I'll gladly sit in the driver's seat. As you said Sparkles422... Karma is a b_ _ _ _ _. It does come round. :rofl:

Qwill


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Qwilleran said:


> I totally get where you're coming from Sparkles422.
> 
> My marriage of 25 years crashed when my STBXWW told me "there's no passion and I'm bored". No other explanation given or remorse shown.
> 
> ...


Is that karma bus stopping in Toronto by any chance? Because I would like to get on it too


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

I think my cheating ex wife has not changed during her affairs. But I did. Finally, after almost 17 years of emotional and mental abuse by her I recognized her true colors. I can see now with more clarity what happened over all those years.

She chose to cheat because she didn't want address her real issues. Instead, the "unhappiness" with me was used to picture me as the bad guy and to give her a reason to exit the marriage. It's much easier to blame somebody else than looking at your own faults and failures. She's still on the search for something she already had in our relationship but couldn't see that it was there.

Unfortunately, this is already the second time this happened. Her mother did the same thing to her dad. That makes me wonder whether history will repeat itself again in the future. I hope and pray that my daughter doesn't suffer any permanent emotional damages and earns some of those traits too..

And it also looks like the Kharma bus gets the tires changed so it might reach her during the snowy season. She is soooo jealous of her 25 year old mexican boy toy because he's on a different shift now and is working together with several female co-workers he already had a relationship with. I'm sure she doesn't like looking those ladies in the eye. He, on the other hand, is also jealous of her because she still continues her internet chats. If she's so happy with the "love of her life" why still getting all that attention online? 

I'm praying for my daughter to be resistent enough to all those things and for my strength to be there for her when she needs me.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Oregon38 said:


> She chose to cheat because she didn't want address her real issues. Instead, the "unhappiness" with me was used to picture me as the bad guy and to give her a reason to exit the marriage. It's much easier to blame somebody else than looking at your own faults and failures. She's still on the search for something she already had in our relationship but couldn't see that it was there.
> 
> 
> 
> This is so true, exactly what happened to me. I am forced to sit and watch as she tells anyone that will listen what a bad husband I was. Tells them that I kicked her out of the house, she had no where to go but the POSOM house. (forgets to mention that I offered R three different times) I struggle daily (120 days from DDay) with my new life without her, but it is getting better. I am fortunate that my kids, youngest is 20, understand what happened and are all about comforting me. I cry for what could have been, I did wake up, I did change, she never even tried to save our marriage, she would give me no chance. I and you will be better, we will find someone who cherish us and we them. It is a b###ch tho.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

qwilleran:

I can't wait for that Karmic treatment but I wish I didn't feel this way. It says I still feel anger and sadness.

This morning I woke up angry. Ex is enjoying himself away for 2 months visiting relatives etc...and I am stuck having to re-create myself. Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself but I will get out of that. Just need to feel these dang feelings and move on. I want it over though. Time.

I can't wait for Karma.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow,, umm hellooooo Janie!!
Okay, I was going to post, but where am I again??


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## soldiergirl (Sep 2, 2010)

They must all read the same book of ''crap excuses to try and justify an affair''!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)




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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

If I believed in karma, that would be my dream job too.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

Hoosier said:


> This is so true, exactly what happened to me. I am forced to sit and watch as she tells anyone that will listen what a bad husband I was. Tells them that I kicked her out of the house, she had no where to go but the POSOM house. (forgets to mention that I offered R three different times) I struggle daily (120 days from DDay) with my new life without her, but it is getting better. I am fortunate that my kids, youngest is 20, understand what happened and are all about comforting me. I cry for what could have been, I did wake up, I did change, she never even tried to save our marriage, she would give me no chance. I and you will be better, we will find someone who cherish us and we them. It is a b###ch tho.


I know we will be better with time. Did my ex give me any chances? yes, but they were never real. I basically was left with no options at all.

I can't blame her for cheating on me. I actually feel sorry for her that she had only the cheating and blaming as a coping tool available to her. No constructive coping mechanism was considered. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that she created a big mess for everybody involved with those ineffective tools. I wish she would have known better but unfortunately she never learned. 

Actually, who would intentionally "cut" his/her emotional body open like a surgery in order to expose the unhappiness with themselves, true feelings and weaknesses to their partner? It's much easier to project all those problems onto the partner and blame him/her for the cheater's character flaws. 

In the end it is just an escape for the cheater from reality to address their own self. Something they totally forget is that they are with themselves 24/7, unhappy. And they can "drug themselves up" only so much.


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