# About To Sign The Papers....



## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

So, I'm going to try to avoid writing a novel here, but I need some insight/confirmation. 

Almost 2yrs ago my STBXW gave me the "I'm not in love w/you anymore" speech. I made all the mistakes, begging, presents, anger when she didn't respond, crying, etc. Then things calmed down for a bit, looking back I think she was done but just hanging on for the kids (8 & 5). Then over the next year she'd sometimes bring up that she was unhappy and thinking about divorce. At this point I obviously didn't understand how she was feeling (still don't but getting better). I got tired and insecure.. feeling like no matter what I did we were headed for divorce (I know now, It's not about what I do. It's about how she feels). So, we separated. Things have been up and down, but I feel that separation was a huge mistake. I think in reality I just gave her time to come to terms with divorce and begin the healing process. 

We get along well and most of our issues were money/different "wants" out of life. I still believe we are not that far off in our goals, but poor communicators. I feel like I now have a better understanding of what went wrong, how I was not attentive to her needs, desires, fears and what drove her away. We are now close to signing our papers and I am not being clingy, sad, etc around her but am extremely sad without her. I know there is no "Hail Mary" action that will win back her heart, but is all hope lost? I'm sure there is nobody else. Is my best course of action to just build a new life and see how she reacts? It's hard bc she still wants to do things together 1-2 times a week and will hold my hand which gives me a little hope, but is still progressing with divorce. We talk/text daily and split time with our children. She just wasn't confident with where our lives were headed together and I understand bc we did have money issues. Please help!


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Sorry you are going through this.

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? Seems like from what you describe, that might help.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

She wants you as an emotional support through this. Have her cake and eat it too. While I can understand that, it is completely destructive to you. She knows what she wants and has put you in the father of her kids/friend zone. You are in the, I miss her and there may be a chance zone.

There is no way you can get back together under the current circumstances (if ever). You need to minimize contact with her. You need to be able to heal and move on. She needs to know she can't have the part of the marriage she wants without having all of the marriage.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I am going to tell you what you don’t want to hear. Move on. Whether there is hope or not is not the crucial thing here. The Crucial thing is that you are allowing yourself to be held hostage by her. Even if she does come back, you will forever be her little whipping boy. Is that what you want for yourself?

I don’t know if you have been reading the threads on TAM but if you have you would know that the “I love you but I am not in love with you” speech is what cheaters say. She most likely already has someone else. She enjoys the ego boost of having two men all over her: the OM, who she has passion with, and her husband, the sap at home who is crying over her.

I hope there is no affair and there might be a chance there isn’t but it’s a slim chance. OP, live your life for you and see about your own happiness. You are an adult, don’t place your mental/emotional well-being in the hands on one person like that.

I hope you find your way, man.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

We went once, but I think it was already too late. At that point I believe we were at our lowest and she was unresponsive. I had put way too much pressure on her to "work on the marriage".. but what I was really asking for was to meet my good deeds with good deeds and my affection with affection. I wasn't hearing her pain and understanding her true emotional needs. We've been married almost 14yrs.. I previously left that out if it means anything. Thanks for the response.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Thanks for the responses. I know I should move on, but you all know how hard and terrible it is to end a marriage. I do truly believe there is nobody else. Thanks again.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

You need to go dark on her immediately. 

It's not healthy for you to maintain the existing relationship and she needs a reality check. 

It just might be enough to open her eyes and get her back into the game.



LionsFan said:


> Is my best course of action to just build a new life and see how she reacts?


Your best course of action is to go dark, build a new life, with no expectations about how she might react.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

LionsFan said:


> We went once, but I think it was already too late. At that point I believe we were at our lowest and she was unresponsive. I had put way too much pressure on her to "work on the marriage".. but what I was really asking for was to meet my good deeds with good deeds and my affection with affection. I wasn't hearing her pain and understanding her true emotional needs. We've been married almost 14yrs.. I previously left that out if it means anything. Thanks for the response.


Given that, I have to agree with the others. Because she is still wanting to spend time with you, and because the issues were communication-related, I thought she might be amenable to marriage counseling. But it sounds like she has checked out and is merely trying to have the best of both worlds.

You need to give her a reality check. If she wants out of the marriage, then you are moving on. Do the 180 (google it, but it basically is a set of changes that you adapt for yourself to move forward without her). The 180 may ultimately make her realize that she threw away a good thing and that you are no longer there to do her bidding, but remember, that is not the goal. You are moving on. As hard as it is. If she does do an about-face, then you can decide whether there is anything left to save at that point.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let her go. 

It is not honey that she slathers on your bread, it is pity. You have lost a wife, she her man.

One of the hardest things in life is to lose control..... of that life. 

You have control of many things: big things, little things.

To lose control of that which you hold "dearest" is maddening.

This pain is the worst. 

To escape the pain you must lose the "dearest" feeling............for her.

“Tis your beating heart, that longs after this "dearest" of yours. A heart that lives in your hope-chest. The chest whose hinges creak for they be corroded, yes...... and chastened by her unrequited love. 

The heart does not reason. When healthy, it pumps you straight, when abandoned pumps dry........and slowly dies, a twitch, a pulse no more.............. SunCMars 

You hold her heart no more. She guards that which was yours; for your key no longer the lock @turnera s.

Let her go.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Thanks, I will do the 180. I looks like it'll be reality check for both of us. I appreciate the advice and I'm glad I found this site. It's hard to feel like your not alone in all of this.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Day one of the 180: I had no contact with the STBXW all morning. I was worrying that I was the only one initiating contact. 

Then late in the afternoon she texted me, and I ignored it.. then 2min later another text.. then 5min later 2 missed phone calls.. then another text asking why I was so mad..

I told her I'm not mad, we are signing papers very soon and should act like it. 

She said I was ignoring her and then asked me to come eat dinner..

I said I can't tonight and hoped she has a nice weekend. 

This made me realize how quickly I must have been reacting to her beck and call in the past without realizing it. I don't know exactly what this means or where it's headed but it's definitely going to be reality check for both of us. Honestly, I'm kind of excited to see what happens tomorrow. After feeling terrible for almost 2yrs and running in circles, at least this is something new.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LionsFan said:


> Day one of the 180: I had no contact with the STBXW all morning. I was worrying that I was the only one initiating contact.
> 
> Then late in the afternoon she texted me, and I ignored it.. then 2min later another text.. then 5min later 2 missed phone calls.. then another text asking why I was so mad..
> 
> ...


Unless it's about the kids, D or business you don't answer or respond. No contact means no contact. You don't get it.

There is no better way to push them away that begging, crying and pleading and doing the "pick me dance". You chase they will flee. 

They always want to be friends. It relieves guilt and helps them move on easier. You are feeding her cake.

If it were me I'd check the phone bill online just to be sure what I was dealing with. A lot of times when you get the Ilubnilwy it's someone else. Takes about 15 minutes.

If you're smart you'll show her divorce means separate lives. No dinners, holidays or birthdays together unless you like setting across the table with her other man.

Do youself a big favor and read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=WkQrIIxivdqMfEfB4XBqWsgWa0o-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Understand this if it is D and you keep hanging on you'll just linger in limbo unless you firmly detach in order to move on and have a life. 

Better wake up.

Many come here trying to nice them back and it NEVER works. Hasn't so far has it?


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Yeah.. this is going to take some work.. I don't know what I'm doing.. I looked at the phone records and saw a new number on there from another area code, some midnight texts... what the hell do I do? I did a reverse search and no name came up..


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

This phone number is freaking me out.. what the do I do? Just ask who the hell is this?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nope, go online and pay a small fee to get the name. If you have to call a PI and for a small fee they'll get it for you.

How many calls/texts ?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do not confront without any evidence!!!!!!!! All you'll get will be lies and denial...


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

It's been almost daily for 2mo. real early in the morning but only a couple each day. Then there have been a few times late at night 10pm to midnight but never more than 10 texts any given day. All in all about 200 texts. It doesnt make sense to me.. Idk its too much.. We're so close to signing. What would I even do with the information?


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

no calls to that number ever...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence

Read up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LionsFan said:


> It's been almost daily for 2mo. real early in the morning but only a couple each day. Then there have been a few times late at night 10pm to midnight but never more than 10 texts any given day. All in all about 200 texts. It doesnt make sense to me.. Idk its too much.. We're so close to signing. What would I even do with the information?


You don't have to sign anything. Totally up to you. Isn't it.

At least you'll know what's up.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

We may be signing Monday.. and are already separated. Almost impossible for me to pull off that stuff. Idk what good it'd do me at this point. Makes me sick


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So where is it written you have to sign? Is your life not your own? A good % of the time when this happens there's another man in the mix. She could have a burner phone. Be calling at work, etc.

At this time you trusted too much. Like most would have never expected it. 

Find out who it is. Then you'll know at least what you're up against


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Thanks for your help.. I've been reading that pdf. Unbelievable. I'm going to sign either way. She doesn't want to be with me so I need to get out no matter what. If this is true, then I need to run as fast as I can. Thanks again.. This is hell.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go dark until you find out more. Where is it written that you have to answer her calls or texts?

You are coming across as weak and passive. Take control of your own life. 

Cmon man!!!!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At least quit kissing her azz and limit contact. It'll be your best move going forward no matter what happens.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

Yea, I'm done.. total blackout. I'm ready to sign. I don't even know who we're talking about anymore.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LionsFan said:


> Thanks for your help.. I've been reading that pdf. Unbelievable. I'm going to sign either way. She doesn't want to be with me so I need to get out no matter what. If this is true, then I need to run as fast as I can. Thanks again.. This is hell.


Don't disagree with you.

Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should start rooting for the packers. The lions suck


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" twice. It's helped many. 

You can benefit a great deal from it. You'll have a happier fuller life.


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

They do suck. I'm not a Lions fan at all, just trying to be anonymous.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LionsFan said:


> Yea, I'm done.. total blackout. I'm ready to sign. I don't even know who we're talking about anymore.



I suspect this will all become clearer over time. Don't be surprised if she brings a new guy in quickly. This happens all the time. You're not alone in this.

Sorry man


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You'll need to detach asap. Read up on the 180. It'll be your best friend at this time. It'll get you where you need to be so you can move on with tour life.

For your future a marriage/relationship needs to be balanced @50/50.

You can be taken advantage of and lose respect. Learn from this for your next relationship.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Be the best father you can be but you need to purge her from your life if you want to have one. Divorce means separation. She fired you so......

Your prior actions told her she can do and treat you as she pleases and you'll still be there for her.

Stop it!!!!!!


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

I will. Hurts like hell... Tequilla time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You will probably find some new respect coming your way if you can enforce your boundaries.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No alcohol. It will exaggerate any depressed feelings you have.

You need daily exercise. It is a natural anti depressant.

The thing that has me mystified is that you can be separated for that length of time and not suspect there is a other rooster in the henhouse...or even that you would tolerate such an extended period of limbo.

Why is that, LF?


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## LionsFan (Nov 11, 2016)

We've only been separated about 4mo. The rest of the time we lived together. I should've told her to get her $%^* and get out the first time she brought it up. I'll know if it happens again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, never leave the home.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Any idea who the number is?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Any idea who the number is?


Yep. It's her boyfriend.
@LionsFan, in case you've not yet figured it out, she was likely already seeing someone else when she hit you w/ the "I love you, but I'm not _in love_ with you" speech.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LionsFan said:


> I do truly believe there is nobody else.


Do you mean no one else that she is cheating with, or there is no one else out there for you?

If it is the second reason you are truly completely wrong. A good marriage is not how you describe it. You don't have a good marriage, that doesn't mean you can't have a good one with someone else, with a fresh start. Now you know you need to be more emotionally attentive, but marriage is always a two way street. You right now are on your own, your wife is not in a marriage with you she is in a partnership mostly because it's easy. It's OK to grieve but have the courage to have hope for your life, it's not over. You get to choose how you go on from here, you can see it as the end, or as a new beginning. The second will be much better for you.

Also she is cheating on you for sure. They all follow the same pattern. They also bully week partners, don't be week. Move on and have hope.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

LionsFan said:


> So, I'm going to try to avoid writing a novel here, but I need some insight/confirmation.
> 
> Almost 2yrs ago my STBXW gave me the "I'm not in love w/you anymore" speech. I made all the mistakes, begging, presents, anger when she didn't respond, crying, etc. Then things calmed down for a bit, looking back I think she was done but just hanging on for the kids (8 & 5). Then over the next year she'd sometimes bring up that she was unhappy and thinking about divorce. At this point I obviously didn't understand how she was feeling (still don't but getting better). I got tired and insecure.. feeling like no matter what I did we were headed for divorce (I know now, It's not about what I do. It's about how she feels). So, we separated. Things have been up and down, but I feel that separation was a huge mistake. I think in reality I just gave her time to come to terms with divorce and begin the healing process.
> 
> We get along well and most of our issues were money/different "wants" out of life. I still believe we are not that far off in our goals, but poor communicators. I feel like I now have a better understanding of what went wrong, how I was not attentive to her needs, desires, fears and what drove her away. We are now close to signing our papers and I am not being clingy, sad, etc around her but am extremely sad without her. I know there is no "Hail Mary" action that will win back her heart, but is all hope lost? I'm sure there is nobody else. Is my best course of action to just build a new life and see how she reacts? It's hard bc she still wants to do things together 1-2 times a week and will hold my hand which gives me a little hope, but is still progressing with divorce. We talk/text daily and split time with our children. She just wasn't confident with where our lives were headed together and I understand bc we did have money issues. Please help!


The reasons she gave were, frankly, lies. The holding hands, etc, were camouflage to make the split more friendly. It would have gotten nasty if you knew about her boyfriend. And, her reputation would have suffered.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Any idea who the number is?


It doesnt matter. And honestly at this point its not his business. Just like if he were dating, its not HER business. 

Getting the ILYBINILWY speech does NOT mean they are cheating! Many times, yes it does, but many other times it does not. I have given it myself and not been cheating. 

OP, just detach, and stop contact aside from the kids. Its the only way you will ever be able to move forward. Some day you will find someone better. In the meantime, take time to heal and find YOU.


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