# Another sad confused newbie



## koalamom (Oct 16, 2011)

Hi everyone, I've been reading this board for a couple of days now before signing up. I've seen so many good posts I just had to open up. 

Hubby and I have been married for 27 years. We have 2 kids, daughter 23 just out of college and still at home, and son 22 still in college. 

Almost 3 years ago, H hurt his back at work. He ended up with 2 bulging discs and had to have surgery. That did not go as well as hoped and he still lives with a ton of pain, which seems to be getting worse all the time. He did manage to get back to his job, but 3 months ago he was permanently laid off (after 23 years). This was a huge blow to him and he is depressed and feels with his back the way it is, no other place will ever hire him. He often says things like, why do we put animals to sleep when they are suffering but a human has to keep living in pain. He talks about not wanting to live much longer. He is currently 48... his mom had terrible back pain, and died at age 49 of a stroke. He's always been a big beer drinker, and the last few months that has increased quite a lot. 

I did my best to tell him "I've got your back on this". I listened, though maybe not always the best listener I admit. I volunteered for night hours at my job to earn more money. I looked for ways to cut spending. 

He plays pool in a league every week.. has for years. I used to play too, but I'm not good at it and a few years ago I stopped. I didn't think it was a big deal... I thought we were doing ok relationship wise. But then I started having suspicions that something was not right with a woman who joined the pool team about a year ago. And then I found the text messages on his phone. "I love you" "I love you too". I found out he took her golfing with some friends, but kept it secret from me. He swears she is just a friend and its all joking, but I started snooping and I don't like what I saw. He talks to her on Facebook often. He calls her or texts, but never when I am around, only in secret. I don't think its progressed to a sexual relationship but who knows. It hurts so bad to see him telling someone else "I love you" Now I understand he has always been a huge flirt, and is very friendly with members of either gender. But never before has it been something to keep behind my back. fwiw, she's 10 years older than him. 

I saw them together one day, after their team practiced pool. He had his hands on her shoulders, saying goodbye I guess. I came unglued and confronted them. He left and went home and started threatening suicide. I called 911, but he left the house and we could not find him. He did end up going home, but he tells me he did take a bunch of pills that night but it didn't kill him. I've tried talking to him about their relaionship, but he stonewalls and swears they are just friends and tells me to quit accusing him. He finally said if I didn't stop accusing he was going to leave. It wasn't getting me anywhere so I stopped. He says over the past 3 years he feels we have not been close, and that I never want to go do things with him, like the way I quit going to pool. He implied that I've been neglecting the relationship. He says she is his friend and he "has fun with her" and that she doesn't get judgemental and *****y at him like I do. 

So I tried going to pool.. to see that this was just a friendship and make friends with her too so I would not be threatened. But she was so cold to me and wanted nothing to do with me, and told some of the others there that she didn't want me there, and was rather angry about it. 

I've been hurting so bad over this. Its like a knife in my belly. I kept snooping for a while, but every time I see that he's been texting her it only hurts more and more and there's nothing I can do about it. If I try tell him this is not right and its hurting me, he just says he's doing nothing wrong, quit accusing, and then he pulls out the "I'm going to kill myself soon anyway" card. I started reading Mort Fertel's site and getting his emails, and I have ordered a book and audio CD's but they're not here yet. I also started counseling 3 weeks ago, but just me of course, he doesn't believe in counseling. I also started getting email newsletters from Rori Raye. 

I'm trying to get a handle on this "I can only work on me" business. I'm told I need to learn to love myself.. but what does that even look like or how do I do it? And don't say take hot baths and drink tea! I just want with all my heart to have my marriage whole again. Sure we've had our problems and some pretty rough times over the years here and there, but we've had some wonderful years too, and he has my heart completely. He's told me he does not want to leave, and that he does love me. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't want to leave cuz I'm the income now, and he would have a much harder time trying to leave our home and live on his own. I just still don't understand what taking care of me really is. And if its having my own hobbies separate from him.. well I've done that, and now he tells me I don't do enough things with him so that's why we're not close. 

So confused by all the advice to "work on me" "take care of me" when I can't wrap my mind around specifically how to do that, and then I get Mort's email about "moving from Me to We" and it seems to say I need to concentrate on spending time on him and his interests. I cry in secret every day. Can anyone give me any clarity here?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You need to take control and tell him what the plan is for both of you. Tell him how much you care about his health and well being. Tell him that you want your marriage to survive. And in order for that to happen, the following needs to happen:
- Get him to a doctor for his suicidal thoughts. 
- Have him stop the affair. Despite the ego boost, it's causing extreme mental pain.
- Get individual counseling for both of you
- Go to marriage counseling
- He needs to be transparent with all calls, emails, texts, etc.
- No contact with the other woman

Good luck


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## koalamom (Oct 16, 2011)

I would love to "take control" and do every bit of that. But I'm learning I can't force him to think or feel or do anything he does not want to. Despite my trying, he will not cooperate with any of those steps. He won't go to the doc for the depression. He went thru it about 6 years ago and was on anti-depressants and the side effects are ones he never wants to live thru again so he refuses. He also says they would lock him up and he doesn't want that. I also can't get him to agree to go to the pain mangement docs that were recommended. He thinks they can't do anything for him. 

He refuses to admit there's anything wrong with the relationship with the OW, so won't do anything about that. He seems to think its just me having a jealousy problem and being unreasonable. 

He doesn't care that I'm concerned with his well being. He is not concerned about it himself, so what I think doesn't matter. 

He does not believe in counseling, and never has. He would never agree to open up to a counselor that would be too embarrassing for him. Did I forget to mention he is very stubborn? 

The only person I can control is me. (and some days not doing so well at that even). Too often I let his moods control me. Too often I take blame for things onto myself. I hope there really is an answer for this mess. I need to find what I can do for me, but I'm still having trouble imagining just what that would be.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

Bulging discs is not the end of the world, he needs to find some good Chiropractor and Orthopedic doctor for his back. As far as pain management consult with Orthopedic doctor about Cortisone shot. Cortisone is a powerful anti-inflammator. He also needs to start exercise, swimming will be helpful. Playing pool will not help his back.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

he plays pool and golf with a back that bad?


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## ZeroCool (Sep 23, 2011)

RE: the back situation. My hubby blew out L4-L5 and L5-S1. His first surgery, the microdiscectomy, did not work but his spinal fusion was very successful. I mean, my man couldn't even walk and was on some heavy duty narcotics. Now, I barely see him pop a Motrin and then only after some heavy yard work or the like.

Although successful with the fusion, hubby still fell into a post operative depression and really withdrew into himself. My good intentions of picking up the slack and being superwife really back fired on me. I thought it was a phase, and missed a lot of warning signs even though we both had been briefed to be on the lookout. I didn't realize that what I thought was not pressuring for sex (due to his back issues) was slowly translated into pulling away from him. I thought he is escape into computer games and the like was just harmless distractions that he needed at the time. He was facing a military medical board and worried as all get out about the future. Things really hit the fan when I discovered quite by accident that he had managed to strike up a virtual EA with another online gamer. 

I was lucky in the fact that I caught it very early and very shortly after it started (2 weeks). But it was still a very brutal period emotionally for both of us. I can honestly say that I was very close to walking away from it all. But I didn't, and after some very tough work, we now are stronger than ever as a couple.

I'm not excusing or even saying, 'Do this or don't do this". Just sharing what was the case for us. I don't assume any blame for my hubby's EA, but I DO see clearly the path that occurred to get him there. If I can share anymore that can help, please don't hesitate to ask.

I would definitely suggest pain management. My husband did actually get separated from the service but had no trouble getting hired in a well paying job. Pain can be tough to live with and wreak some serious havoc on how one views the world, but it doesn't have to.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm going to hit on
"I can't force him to think or feel or do anything he doesn't want to do".
Work on you means IGNORE what he is doing. Read up on the 180 if that helps. It means stop thinking about what he is doing. It means consider that your marriage is over. Really. Carry on with your life.

Change your hairstyle. Change jobs. Go to school. What are your dreams in life? Anything you've always wanted to do? You. not him.
Join a class. Any class. Start going to the gym. Start examining your life. Do you even have any goals? Where do you want to be in 5 years? It sounds like you need to even consider you for a change. You as a person. Independent. Imagine you are now single. How are you going to pay the bills? Where will you live?

If you had endless resources, what would you be doing with your life?


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## koalamom (Oct 16, 2011)

Wow.. the responses are pretty much all over the board, just like my roller-coaster emotions every day. From HerToo's post which is basically "try harder to fix him" to Deejov's "your marrige is over move on". I know you all mean well, no offense please. My thoughts run the gamut between these two extremes all the time. 

okeydokie - yes, he is able to do things for a few hours, even such as golf. But he really pays for it the next few days in pain. He's always been such an active guy and loves sports. It kills him to not be able to do what he wants to do. As he says, he can't just sit in his rocking chair and do nothing. Its too depressing. 

Zerocool - his doc has said he's not a candidate for fusion due to which levels were affected. I think it was L2-3 and L4-5 so can't fuse that great of an area according to the doc. I've tried to talk him into pain management, but he refuses. Heck, his OW is a nurse and apparently she hasn't talked him into it yet either. Your statement that pain can wreak some serious havoc on how you view the world hits the nail on the head. Thanks for your insights. 

The thought I keep coming back to is that I'm so not ready for our time to be over. Tonight I started remembering how he used to hold me and touch my hair, and I just want to cry. He is so distant. I fear we may be in our last year together, and I was not ready for that. Sometimes I tell myself, time is short for us, I need to just be the best wife I can be with what time I have left. 

Deejov - I have not read about the 180 yet. I may do that at some point. But if he's saying that I have been neglecting the relationship, is it really right to pull away even more? How would that help?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

What I meant was "act" as if it is. Get focused on yourself, instead of wondering how to get him to go to counselling, or do anything about what he has done. Be the leader. Show him what he needs to do. 

He needs to do a lot of things to repair this. He is REFUSING to do them. Do you not have boundaries? Do you find it acceptable for him to do this? Probably not, or you would not be here. What does wishing for the past do? Just makes you sad. 

You can't make him do anything. Only thing you can do is get back control of your life. He will feel the change, and get on board with being a positive person, or he will choose to continue to do nothing and be miserable. And so will you. Unless you choose not to. 

Make a choice to be a happy person, and set some goals for yourself.


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## koalamom (Oct 16, 2011)

Thank you for that Deejov. I'm still waiting for the Mort Fertel book and CD's that I ordered, and I think I will try those methods first. I know from reading forum posts about that, that he talks about working on myself too. Still hanging onto hope that we can reconnect and rekindle the love between us. But you're right, wishing for the past only makes me sad. 

So I left him a note this morning. I said "no pressure, I just want to know what you think... do you have any thoughts or ideas on what we could do to be closer and make our marriage stronger" His answer was that he needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning.. he still wishes he would not wake up. It wasn't really an answer about *us* but mainly about him. Perhaps he can't find his way back to us, until he finds himself again. I know so much has been taken from him - his job, his health, so much of his pride and self-worth wounded with all that. 

But still I have this painful hole in my heart because of whatever this thing is with this other woman. Maybe he's trying to find his reason with her. Someone different and new to figure out. I'm trying to not talk about the problems, just concentrate on solutions. But it hurts so very bad. 

Set goals for myself eh? Ok.. first goal is, I'd like to have my house in order and clean again. Not going to be easy its really gotten out of hand. But I always feel better when its clean and that's a gift I can give myself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He is cheating on you, lying to you, has the "energy" to play pool and golf both of which by the way requires the ability to move your back and when you question him, he threatens suicide and everything else under the sun. He is a bully and is holding you hostage using your guilt as a reason for staying. "Leave and I will kill myself" and in the meantime you are doing back flips trying to play nice and make his life happy and better, all the while he is sending love notes to another woman.
If he is able to play 18 holes or pool, he is able to work or at least volunteer somewhere. If he threatens suicide again, let him know that as his MPOA you will have him forcibly committed for a period of time. He is playing you for a fool and using your sympathy and kindness against you and yes, he is emotionally/mentally abusive and doesn't deserve your kindness whatsoever.
As for goals, I would suggest a good therapist. Forget about cleaning the house. If he has the strength to play 5 hours of golf, he has the strength to clean a house. YOU need to find the deep rooted reason why you accept his behavior and continue to put up with his lies, fraud and disrespect.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> he plays pool and golf with a back that bad?


That was my thought too. I've had a chronic back injury and leaning over playing pool would not cut it.

Btw, taking pills to threaten suicide and his chick on the side being cold towards you would be enough evidence for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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