# Insensitive and disrespectful or over reacting?



## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

I'm really struggling with how an argument with my husband just went.

He travels for work pretty regularly, two weeks out of the month he will be gone for 2-4 days. He just returned home today, this time he left Sunday, after leaving home a few hours early to go to a football game which bothers me because that's a few hours less with me and the kids (I was supposed to join him but there was a miscommunication with tickets-- he could have canceled but I told him to go still and enjoy it. Clearly I'm bitter about it). He had a 3-day conference which involves a lot of schmoozing with clients and prospects, lots of work but fun too. I mention this because while he is doing that I'm home with our two kids. Im a SAHM that homeschools. The kids are little so very demanding-- 1 year old and 4 years old. (Yes you can home school a 4 year old.) 

When he got home around mid-day he was instantly all over me. Great and all but I was still juggling the kids and had been feeling a bit under the weather for a few days, sore throat, tired, etc. I was excited to see him though and had gotten dressed up and did my hair in preparation for him coming home. The next few hours he had work and then we had dinner and had to get the kids to bed...aside from tasks we didn't talk and after the kids were down I came up to him and started to talk to him about a new lesson I am starting for our 4 year old and he start coming on to me. After a few minutes I ask if we can make the bed real quick and he was annoyed but said ok. As I was finishing the bed he walks away and starts unpacking from his trip and making comments about the laundry not being finished, etc. basically making it clear he is in a bad mood now. I ask him about it and he makes a remark about me not being interested in him.

I explain that wasn't the case, that I just started feeling frustrated and hurt that he was only concerned with his needs and not how I was doing, etc. and that when he didn't get what he wanted he had no interest in me. I said he was being insensitive and selfish, and that in the argument now he was being defensive. He basically laughed at that and said no, I just wasn't interested in him and didn't address what I said. He was being insulting and belittled of my feelings. I got angry and said he might as well just go back out of town. He was really hurt by that and wouldn't let it go. We stopped speaking for a while and when I came back to talk more I apologized for being nasty and explained I was feeling insecure because he was working with adults and having a good time, really excited about his work and I felt like he wasn't interested in what I was doing. He thanked me for opening up but went right back into how nasty I was and he couldn't get past it. I told him that he wasn't actually talking to me about my feelings and wasn't really listening... he asked if he should sleep in our guest room and I said I don't care.

I followed him to the guest room to try and figure it out. He refused to come back to our room. He told me it was laughable and ridiculous that him wanting to have sex with me could ever be selfish. I explained that me being with the kids for 4 days and him being with adults puts us in different head spaces. He kept Interrupting me and being disrespectful and when I asked him to stop he said if I don't like it I should just leave the room.When I was rude in response he said don't talk to me that way. I'm not a child. I tried to explain that He isn't above mutual respect but he wouldn't budge. So I left the room. 

He has now texted me I don't understand how hurtful it was and I apologized again and now he has texted me, show me you don't want me to leave. And I'm rolling my eyes so hard.

Is this ridiculous? I don't feel out of line and feel like he is indeed being super selfish and insensitive and now completely disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sucks that he has no interest in catching up a little when he gets home from a trip. You're right that he doesn't seem the least bit interested in what you've been doing or how you're feeling. He's feeling horny and I guess that supersedes everything else. 

Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Do you get the feeling that if it's not sexual, he doesn't want to hear it? Is this an ongoing thing or do you frequently talk about each other's day?


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.


It's not like I wasn't interested. I'm not a machine either. I have feelings.
It's also a mutual choice for our kids to be home. I'm curious if you have kids? I agree we need to take care of each other first but my issue is how was he taking care of me?


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sucks that he has no interest in catching up a little when he gets home from a trip. You're right that he doesn't seem the least bit interested in what you've been doing or how you're feeling. He's feeling horny and I guess that supersedes everything else.
> 
> Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Do you get the feeling that if it's not sexual, he doesn't want to hear it? Is this an ongoing thing or do you frequently talk about each other's day?


I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.

He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Kecaj27 said:


> It's not like I wasn't interested. I'm not a machine either. I have feelings.
> It's also a mutual choice for our kids to be home. I'm curious if you have kids? I agree we need to take care of each other first but my issue is how was he taking care of me?


Yes. I have five.

His issue is you not taking care of him. So you got this passive-aggressive thing going. Playing chicken with each other. Who’s going to blink first. I’ve been in that type of marriage and it’s truly awful.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kecaj27 said:


> I told him that he wasn't actually talking to me about my feelings and wasn't really listening... he asked if he should sleep in our guest room and I said I don't care.
> 
> I followed him to the guest room to try and figure it out.


I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.

I tried the I-refuse-to-let-this-drop technique on my husband a few times. Failed miserably. And although you may think he's living the high life while he's out schmoozing with clients and coworkers, it's not nearly as glamourous as it sounds. Of course, changing poopy diapers isn't a bed of roses by any means. 

JMO


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes. I have five.
> 
> His issue is you not taking care of him. So you got this passive-aggressive thing going. Playing chicken with each other. Who’s going to blink first. I’ve been in that type of marriage and it’s truly awful.


I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions. I'm genuinely sorry that your marriage didn't work out and that you feel like your kids played a part in that. 

my husband and I have said since before we were married that we would make time for each other and make each other a priority. This is a two way street and if I'm feeling ****ty I need my needs met too and sex Is not the only need. Its obviously a very important one but is not the only one.

Also marriages are destroyed by a lot more than kids. The list is too long to include here..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kecaj27 said:


> I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
> I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.
> 
> He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.


Nobody should be so self focused that they can't have a polite discussion with their mate when they get home. That's just childish and so unwise. He sounds pretty uninvolved if all he wants to hear is if things are okay and not have any involvement or knowledge about the details. 

He is being awfully insensitive.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Many posters here suggest reading the Five Love Languages when a couple is having some challenges with communication. Could be your husband's primary language is touch while yours is verbal connection. Actually, I've never read the book, so I'm sorry if those aren't the correct labels for the "languages." 

So do you feel you and your husband are both guilty of not making one another a priority?

ETA: I'm just referring to this particular instance, but do you feel that sometimes both of you just have too much on your minds or too many life stressors and don't prioritize one another?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Kecaj27 said:


> I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions. I'm genuinely sorry that your marriage didn't work out and that you feel like your kids played a part in that.
> 
> my husband and I have said since before we were married that we would make time for each other and make each other a priority. This is a two way street and if I'm feeling ****ty I need my needs met too and sex Is not the only need. Its obviously a very important one but is not the only one.
> 
> Also marriages are destroyed by a lot more than kids. The list is too long to include here..


It seems like you came here to vent and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, I’m still getting the sense that if he’s not fulfilling your needs, you won’t fulfill his. That’s a recipe for disaster.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with some of the thoughts given so far, and what jumped out at me is that you don’t feel heard by your husband, that he doesn’t seem to take your passions seriously …but you also seem to think when he’s out with clients, he’s having fun. I think it would be helpful to start there with your husband, but be mindful of your perspective of his work life. It’s not a contest as to who has had the tougher week - you’re in this together.

I get though that your husband’s timing was off but he desired you in the moment. I wouldn’t be so quick to consider that selfish, unless that’s all he cares about. Just find time perhaps this weekend to talk things out, but without the need to be right. You just want to be heard. Our husbands hear more than we think. lol So just have a calm casual conversation and hopefully, you can clear the air.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If my husband came home from being away for days, didn't ask a single question about how I was and how my week had been, and then proceeded to criticise the housework I wouldn't feel like sex either.

Is this a regular occurrence OP, and is this how you two argue all the time or was this a one off?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kecaj27 said:


> I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
> I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.
> 
> He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.


To me it sounds like both of you could have handeled things better when he came home. Unless both of you can forgive each other and start acting more adult, I strongly suggest counseling. If he is afraid of idea becasue if means we have failed, then by all means tell him that your marriage is in crisis if this kind of things keeps happening and the two of you need someone experienced to help the both of you understand each other and make each other feel loved. In short tell him to pull up his big boy pants and get over his fear, because if this isn't fixed it is going to become a real crisis that will threaten the core of your marriage.

Good luck. Mly wife when she was a stay at home mom thougth business travel was exotic. I took her with me on a couple trips. I even took the whole family with me on a couple of trips. They got to see exactly the less expensive hotels I stayed at the short hours I have for meals. It didn't take long form my wife to conclude she didn't want to go on business trips anymore.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You wrote in your other thread that you would be interested in my thoughts on this newer post …and essentially, my response would be the same. I’m just someone with a keyboard and opinion based on what you chose to share, so make of it what you will.

I winced reading the post. I’d hazard the guess that you both seek closeness from the other, yet as a couple of others have already highlighted, there’s a bit of a tug of war occurring between you, and where it seems you both also ‘okay’ something that you’re not actually ‘okay’ with.

There were so many small opportunities within the scenario you shared for both / either of you to disarm and instead get over yourselves to demonstrate LOVE for the other. I get that sometimes in the moment that may not feel easy to do, however, it IS doable. To succinctly cut through the narrative of bull-wotsit and remind yourself that this is your person. I’m talking about reasonably healthy marriages that need tweaking. My view is that making yourself mentally and emotionally cut through the hurt and noise can lead to clarity to express both what you (universal ‘you’) need and then allows understanding of the other too. It’s not about ignoring your emotions, they’re valid; it’s just kinda acknowledging them but then deeper to what it’s really about. I personally find from that ‘place’ I’m then also more open to listening and understanding my husband’s perspective. I’m not suggesting that in my marriage we have it all figured out either. Far from it! It’s continual learning and adjusting as we go. Still, I’d suggest that one of you needs to ‘disarm’ when those scenarios occur …do something very different and from a place that you’re in this together. Also, quit saying ‘okay’ to things if it’s not really something you’re good with. Resentment achieves nothing but damage. Reading between the lines, you want shared closeness with your husband …so lead yourself from that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

NB: I just skim-reread your other thread. I don’t apply the above to being called names and such that I commented on back then.

Also, without meaning to be off-topic but do you still communicate with one another when he’s away? Daily phone-calls or texts at minimum?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.
> 
> I tried the I-refuse-to-let-this-drop technique on my husband a few times. Failed miserably. And although you may think he's living the high life while he's out schmoozing with clients and coworkers, it's not nearly as glamourous as it sounds. Of course, changing poopy diapers isn't a bed of roses by any means.
> 
> JMO


Why does everyone want to talk about their feelings ad nauseam 🙄?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So a couple points, business travel is hard on both people even if it appears from the one staying home that the traveler gets out of their responsibilities at home and gets to go out partying.

I have to go on a week long trip (10 hour flight) to an office few people go to for really no good reason other than my boss told me to. It will not be fun, in fact I’d honestly probably rather dig ditches all day and be able to go home instead of going on this trip. So even if I go out to a nice dinner or drinking or something, when you don’t have a choice and you don’t have friends on the trip; it’s not fun.

With that said, I do a LOT at home and my wife is going to feel the full impact of that even if she only does the bare minimum like make sure the cat has food and a clean litter box, those are things she doesn’t have to do on a normal basis.

Having been on both sides of it, it’s just bad. Business travel isn’t good for relationships in my opinion.

Both partners need to put themselves in the shoes of the other person.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.


About the guest room comment, as I did a double-wince reading that, I agree with Prodigal here. At the same time, I’m weighing in that he ASKED you whether he should. Why would he do that? Maybe it’s because he was testing the waters and giving you opportunity one way or another. It does all come across as passive-aggressive to me, from both of you, and granted I’m not completely sure what that term means but have a rough idea.

Did you really not care? Seems you did as you followed him in, written a thread about it and such. And so, if you did indeed care, what prevented you from answering ‘No, I don’t want you in the guest room’. I’m focused more on you as you are the one posting.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> So a couple points, business travel is hard on both people even if it appears from the one staying home that the traveler gets out of their responsibilities at home and gets to go out partying.
> 
> I have to go on a week long trip (10 hour flight) to an office few people go to for really no good reason other than my boss told me to. It will not be fun, in fact I’d honestly probably rather dig ditches all day and be able to go home instead of going on this trip. So even if I go out to a nice dinner or drinking or something, when you don’t have a choice and you don’t have friends on the trip; it’s not fun.
> 
> ...


This is what folks sometimes don't understand.

Traveling to the not-having-to-travel-constantly crowd seems always glamorous and interesting.

But to the has to traveling person after a while it can be tedious.
Like you say, an employee has to travel at the company's direction doing company business.

And you're at the will of the customers.
Experienced travelers still have to take sanity breaks wherever they happen to be or burn out is right around the corner.

I traveled so very much early on that just being home was a vacation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think you both need to learn to stop, take a breath and think a moment before you speak. I see both of you owning these issues. 

I can tell you from experience that business travel has pros and cons. My wife jokes a little about the schmoozing and socialization that I do when traveling, but she is well aware that those couple hours of positive interactions require many, many hours of no fun at all. Hours are spent driving to airports, standing in lines, sitting shoulder to shoulder for hours on a plane, canceled flights, etc. And worst of all, I'm stuck in a hotel away from my family. I can't count how many dinners I've eaten by myself while traveling and I hate it. I've taken my wife with me on a few trips, mostly before we had kids, and although it made me much happier to have her with, she realized it wasn't as much fun as she thought. Although, one of those times she came with was when we conceived our first child, lol. 

I think in this case you were in a bit of a mood, because you had some resentment about being stuck on your own with the kids while he was having "fun" on business travel. So you came to the table with less than positive thoughts in your head, even though you really were happy to see him. He came home horny and happy to see his wife. The problem I see is what you wanted in that moment was to talk, that is likely your favorite way to connect/reconnect with him. For him, he wants physical contact. You two were speaking different languages at that point. Both of you had an opportunity to get what you both wanted. Had you played into his advances you may have had an opportunity to talk more after being intimate with him. Had he given you a few minutes to talk about what was going on while he was gone he would have had an opportunity to be intimate with you a short time later. Instead you both started getting aggravated that you weren't getting what you want and it escalated. Lots of mistakes and bad behavior from both of you occurred after that. In an instance like this at least one of you needs to take the first step to give rather than want/take. I've been through this with my wife. Not about this exact same issue, but other various issues. I recognized it would be a source of friction for us. I made the decision to change and do something differently for no other reason than I wanted to make her happy and not create friction. Sure enough, she did the same for me. Now, I was hoping for that kind of reciprocity, but it wasn't my main reason. My main reason was to do it for her, nothing else. There is the risk that your spouse will just be a taker and never give in return. If that becomes the norm then that will need to be addressed to. 

It seems to be that communication is the main issue with both of you. I think a counselor could be useful. Just to have a 3rd party to help both of you see that there is a better way to communicate. You may be able to improve things without a counselor, but I suspect it will be more difficult and take more time. Here are a couple articles about conflict resolution and communication. Maybe they can start pointing you in the right direction. Could be worthwhile for both of you to read them. This needs to be a team effort. Always remember that, you are on the same team. If one loses the team loses. 









How to stop fighting - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you argue a lot in your marriage? Wondering how to stop fighting? Here is how we did it, the solution is easier than you think, and you can start now.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How to resolve conflict more effectively - Uncovering Intimacy


Don't know how to resolve conflict in marriage? Find that your arguments don't get resolved? Here are the six most common bad behaviours and how to change.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How to use conflict to create intimacy - Uncovering Intimacy


Many people believe conflict is bad for relationships. I think conflict can be one of the most effective tools to create intimacy, if you do it right.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly?

The guy sounds like a selfish asshole.

Let's not forget that the OP doesn't get a break EVER from being in mommy mode. He gets to go away for a few days, work like an adult, talk to adults, and interact with the world at large while the OP is stuck at home with kids 24/7, homeschooling them, and never gets a break from them. Not on the weeknights after 5 pm, not on the weekends, not at 2:00 and not on Holidays. But Mr. Selfish does, doesn't he?

Mr. Selfish has a life and a half while his wife has one continual function 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Her value to this jerk is literally doing EVERYTHING but chewing his food for him.

I completely understand that you weren't feeling well when he got home and weren't in the mood for sex but of course, he's too damned SELFISH to give a rat's ass about HOW you felt and he had to make a big production of insulting you about your servant skills (that's really what you are to him) and pouted like a 3 year old because you didn't ask 'how high?' when he wanted you to jump.

Your problem is that you married a selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed assclown whose only concern is himself.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> NB: I just skim-reread your other thread. I don’t apply the above to being called names and such that I commented on back then.
> 
> Also, without meaning to be off-topic but do you still communicate with one another when he’s away? Daily phone-calls or texts at minimum?


We do but it's inconsistent and it's either him seeing the kids and chatting with them or him filling me in on his day.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> About the guest room comment, as I did a double-wince reading that, I agree with Prodigal here. At the same time, I’m weighing in that he ASKED you whether he should. Why would he do that? Maybe it’s because he was testing the waters and giving you opportunity one way or another. It does all come across as passive-aggressive to me, from both of you, and granted I’m not completely sure what that term means but have a rough idea.
> 
> Did you really not care? Seems you did as you followed him in, written a thread about it and such. And so, if you did indeed care, what prevented you from answering ‘No, I don’t want you in the guest room’. I’m focused more on you as you are the one posting.


I was being childish and frustrated at his lack of concern of my feelings. I was feeling like if he didn't care about my feelings then I didn't care where he slept. But yes, I did and I didn't want him to go. He was asking because he felt hurt by my saying he might as well just go back out of town so he was indeed testing the waters to see if I meant what I said. I half did.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I'd be planning my next trip today. Not much to come home to.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you both need to learn to stop, take a breath and think a moment before you speak. I see both of you owning these issues.
> 
> I can tell you from experience that business travel has pros and cons. My wife jokes a little about the schmoozing and socialization that I do when traveling, but she is well aware that those couple hours of positive interactions require many, many hours of no fun at all. Hours are spent driving to airports, standing in lines, sitting shoulder to shoulder for hours on a plane, canceled flights, etc. And worst of all, I'm stuck in a hotel away from my family. I can't count how many dinners I've eaten by myself while traveling and I hate it. I've taken my wife with me on a few trips, mostly before we had kids, and although it made me much happier to have her with, she realized it wasn't as much fun as she thought. Although, one of those times she came with was when we conceived our first child, lol.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I will look at these. I really appreciate your response its been very helpful and insightful.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

2&out said:


> I'd be planning my next trip today. Not much to come home to.


Well that seems like it'd be further the point of me feeling like he was being selfish. So see ya!


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is what folks sometimes don't understand.
> 
> Traveling to the not-having-to-travel-constantly crowd seems always glamorous and interesting.
> 
> ...


This is to address all the comments on travel...

He really enjoys traveling for work. He likes to travel in general as do I. But with that said I totally understand it isn't all fun. Lots of waiting on planes and canceled flights-- definitely the worst of it. He gets to indulge in plushy hotels and fancy dinners at his level, but our whole family benefits from the points, etc from all his traveling so I see both sides. It's not easy to always maintain the balanced view... I'm trying which is why I posted here. Insight and unbiased advice. So thanks for your comment! And everyone's comments thus far! If the sour ones


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

2&out said:


> I'd be planning my next trip today. Not much to come home to.


I tend to agree to an extent. This guy is working for days, comes home to be with his wife and he’s rejected because her feelings aren’t being met. Wrong place, wrong time. This guy is going to stop wanting to come home at some point.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kecaj27 said:


> This is to address all the comments on travel...
> 
> He really enjoys traveling for work. He likes to travel in general as do I. But with that said I totally understand it isn't all fun. Lots of waiting on planes and canceled flights-- definitely the worst of it. He gets to indulge in plushy hotels and fancy dinners at his level, but our whole family benefits from the points, etc from all his traveling so I see both sides. It's not easy to always maintain the balanced view... I'm trying which is why I posted here. Insight and unbiased advice. So thanks for your comment! And everyone's comments thus far! If the sour ones


Ask him after 10 years of solid travel.....weekly, gone for 3 days to three weeks at a time.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Sorry to hear of the trouble. All I can say is..WOW! It almost sounds like my wife wrote this letter. Seriously. We have had the same issues come up as well. What I found through therapy was that I would go out and slay the dragons, come home to my fair maiden and not be seen. I was literally in my head, not ours. I work a job where I pull 7 straight days of 12 hour shifts plus commute. Then off for 7 days. Wash, rinse, repeat sort of. I got into a cycle of feeling I was ignored when I came home. Would try to pack a normal time of home time into 2-3 hours awake before needing to go to bed for the next shift. I was only focused on me, not her and us. Her day had continued, she's a SAHW, mother as well. She deals with the bills and phone calls, our kid (now 20) and all of the other of life's minutia, while I was only focused on my needs. It's a viscous cycle. It has to stop. We both deeply love each other, yet we fights over stupid things. We started mc about a year ago as well as ic for me. It's making a huge difference! I am retraining my brain now to walk in the door, relax and take what may come. Life here has continued while I was gone for 14-16 hours at work. This IS my life as well and my wife needed to be seen, heard and appreciated, because I was lucky enough to be able to go to work and get a daily change of homing.
His behavior has been tunnel visioned and selfish. Yes he may feel ignored and a bit undesired, but geeze...you've been stuck day after day with the kids, the house work, paying the bills and no one to help or lean on. I really feel your pain. I would consider therapy if you can afford it. It can help decompress both of ther.you, plus it can give him a chance to stop and reflect on how he.has changed for the worse and get it toge


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Sorry to hear of the trouble. All I can say is..WOW! It almost sounds like my wife wrote this letter. Seriously. We have had the same issues come up as well. What I found through therapy was that I would go out and slay the dragons, come home to my fair maiden and not be seen. I was literally in my head, not ours. I work a job where I pull 7 straight days of 12 hour shifts plus commute. Then off for 7 days. Wash, rinse, repeat sort of. I got into a cycle of feeling I was ignored when I came home. Would try to pack a normal time of home time into 2-3 hours awake before needing to go to bed for the next shift. I was only focused on me, not her and us. Her day had continued, she's a SAHW, mother as well. She deals with the bills and phone calls, our kid (now 20) and all of the other of life's minutia, while I was only focused on my needs. It's a viscous cycle. It has to stop. We both deeply love each other, yet we fights over stupid things. We started mc about a year ago as well as ic for me. It's making a huge difference! I am retraining my brain now to walk in the door, relax and take what may come. Life here has continued while I was gone for 14-16 hours at work. This IS my life as well and my wife needed to be seen, heard and appreciated, because I was lucky enough to be able to go to work and get a daily change of homing.
> His behavior has been tunnel visioned and selfish. Yes he may feel ignored and a bit undesired, but geeze...you've been stuck day after day with the kids, the house work, paying the bills and no one to help or lean on. I really feel your pain. I would consider therapy if you can afford it. It can help decompress both of ther.you, plus it can give him a chance to stop and reflect on how he.has changed for the worse and get it toge


Sorry about the typing errors, got fat fingers and a small key board!


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.


AMEN


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)




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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you both need to learn to stop, take a breath and think a moment before you speak. I see both of you owning these issues.
> 
> I can tell you from experience that business travel has pros and cons. My wife jokes a little about the schmoozing and socialization that I do when traveling, but she is well aware that those couple hours of positive interactions require many, many hours of no fun at all. Hours are spent driving to airports, standing in lines, sitting shoulder to shoulder for hours on a plane, canceled flights, etc. And worst of all, I'm stuck in a hotel away from my family. I can't count how many dinners I've eaten by myself while traveling and I hate it. I've taken my wife with me on a few trips, mostly before we had kids, and although it made me much happier to have her with, she realized it wasn't as much fun as she thought. Although, one of those times she came with was when we conceived our first child, lol.
> 
> ...


YES! SPOT ON...WELL SAID


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ask him after 10 years of solid travel.....weekly, gone for 3 days to three weeks at a time.


He had other options when he choose this job. Ones that paid just as well. He likes to travel and wanted a job that included it. I support his choice but he needs to be understanding to what it does to us as well. For his kids he isn't here for a solid week out of the month. For me it means I am the sole parent for that time. When he is back it's adjustment for us all. That's the reality and it's not balanced to say that I just need to be supportive and understanding of him and not expect the same level and quality of support and understanding. To all the people saying he is going to stop coming home. If that's his reaction then good. I want an equal partner and someone who gives not 50/50 but 90/90. A happy relationship is hard work, growth, understanding... that's why I came here. Not to vent and be told I'm right. But some of these responses are ridiculous, from both sides. It's almost like, don't mind me, I'm just here to serve and best children. _eye roll_


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Sorry to hear of the trouble. All I can say is..WOW! It almost sounds like my wife wrote this letter. Seriously. We have had the same issues come up as well. What I found through therapy was that I would go out and slay the dragons, come home to my fair maiden and not be seen. I was literally in my head, not ours. I work a job where I pull 7 straight days of 12 hour shifts plus commute. Then off for 7 days. Wash, rinse, repeat sort of. I got into a cycle of feeling I was ignored when I came home. Would try to pack a normal time of home time into 2-3 hours awake before needing to go to bed for the next shift. I was only focused on me, not her and us. Her day had continued, she's a SAHW, mother as well. She deals with the bills and phone calls, our kid (now 20) and all of the other of life's minutia, while I was only focused on my needs. It's a viscous cycle. It has to stop. We both deeply love each other, yet we fights over stupid things. We started mc about a year ago as well as ic for me. It's making a huge difference! I am retraining my brain now to walk in the door, relax and take what may come. Life here has continued while I was gone for 14-16 hours at work. This IS my life as well and my wife needed to be seen, heard and appreciated, because I was lucky enough to be able to go to work and get a daily change of homing.
> His behavior has been tunnel visioned and selfish. Yes he may feel ignored and a bit undesired, but geeze...you've been stuck day after day with the kids, the house work, paying the bills and no one to help or lean on. I really feel your pain. I would consider therapy if you can afford it. It can help decompress both of ther.you, plus it can give him a chance to stop and reflect on how he.has changed for the worse and get it toge


Thank you for your response! I definitely see what he needs from what's literally in front of me and everyone's responses. I think mc will be in our future if one of us can't bend and take the grunt of pushing us both through. Maybe I'm capable or he is... we shall see.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> You wrote in your other thread that you would be interested in my thoughts on this newer post …and essentially, my response would be the same. I’m just someone with a keyboard and opinion based on what you chose to share, so make of it what you will.
> 
> I winced reading the post. I’d hazard the guess that you both seek closeness from the other, yet as a couple of others have already highlighted, there’s a bit of a tug of war occurring between you, and where it seems you both also ‘okay’ something that you’re not actually ‘okay’ with.
> 
> There were so many small opportunities within the scenario you shared for both / either of you to disarm and instead get over yourselves to demonstrate LOVE for the other. I get that sometimes in the moment that may not feel easy to do, however, it IS doable. To succinctly cut through the narrative of bull-wotsit and remind yourself that this is your person. I’m talking about reasonably healthy marriages that need tweaking. My view is that making yourself mentally and emotionally cut through the hurt and noise can lead to clarity to express both what you (universal ‘you’) need and then allows understanding of the other too. It’s not about ignoring your emotions, they’re valid; it’s just kinda acknowledging them but then deeper to what it’s really about. I personally find from that ‘place’ I’m then also more open to listening and understanding my husband’s perspective. I’m not suggesting that in my marriage we have it all figured out either. Far from it! It’s continual learning and adjusting as we go. Still, I’d suggest that one of you needs to ‘disarm’ when those scenarios occur …do something very different and from a place that you’re in this together. Also, quit saying ‘okay’ to things if it’s not really something you’re good with. Resentment achieves nothing but damage. Reading between the lines, you want shared closeness with your husband …so lead yourself from that.



So, as a man here, I have had to learn that women (i am generalizing) are not always going to be 'in the mood' if they havent felt connected or, like OP said, are just in a different 'head space'. It sounds like if his approach were different-- she felt like she was being heard when she told him what was going on at home-- she was up for sex. I feel like, for me-- at this point-- I have to really invest a little time, conversation, and connection before i initiate. We have kids and when we get to bed we are not totally shut off from the work day and dinner, bed time, etc, so i would not expect my wife to just come to bed and immediately want to screw. 

Since you are a woman-- can you tell me how OP husband approach would feel? Would you just go for it because he has been gone or would you need a little attention from him before you were ready for sex?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.


This is a huge problem. It immediately freezes everything if a W doesn't welcome home a road warrior. And the guy remembers every time that happens.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is a huge problem. It immediately freezes everything if a W doesn't welcome home a road warrior. And the guy remembers every time that happens.


Yeah not a problem that the husband treats the wife like an appliance. Do the dishes, do the laundry, watch the kids, don't tell me about your day, don't make yourself a human, just sex me up.

They both have some blame here.

They both are acting childish and immature.

I'm not sure either is going to be able to lead out of this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kecaj27 said:


> He had other options when he choose this job. Ones that paid just as well. He likes to travel and wanted a job that included it. I support his choice but he needs to be understanding to what it does to us as well. For his kids he isn't here for a solid week out of the month. For me it means I am the sole parent for that time. When he is back it's adjustment for us all. That's the reality and it's not balanced to say that I just need to be supportive and understanding of him and not expect the same level and quality of support and understanding. To all the people saying he is going to stop coming home. If that's his reaction then good. I want an equal partner and someone who gives not 50/50 but 90/90. A happy relationship is hard work, growth, understanding... that's why I came here. Not to vent and be told I'm right. But some of these responses are ridiculous, from both sides. It's almost like, don't mind me, I'm just here to serve and best children. _eye roll_


Only gone one week out of a month? That's light traveling.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Kecaj27 said:


> Thank you for your response! I definitely see what he needs from what's literally in front of me and everyone's responses. I think mc will be in our future if one of us can't bend and take the grunt of pushing us both through. Maybe I'm capable or he is... we shall see.


Yes you are a.couple because you choose to be. Sometimes life clouds our vision. We can all become butt hurt like a child. I did, my wife did. We are friends, companions and yes...lovers. yet we let things get in the way and trip is up. We ran to our conners and through darts of pain at each other. Till I woke up and realized this destructive behavior I call "the pain game". We are working hard to remember the importance and value we bring to each other every day. From the simplest hey babe, to a playful tap on the rump. Remembering we each had a day and need to visit that with each other. Sex can wait. Intimate time cannot. I need it as much as she does and if she needs me to hold her and tell it's ok to be tired, to frustrated or bummed....it's ok, I'm here now. I have slowed down and am enjoying the flower in my garden again and she in turn feels complete again. We need not say anything, just a touch, a look or even a hug can make it all mo betta!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yeah not a problem that the husband treats the wife like an appliance. Do the dishes, do the laundry, watch the kids, don't tell me about your day, don't make yourself a human, just sex me up.
> 
> They both have some blame here.
> 
> ...


Whatever. It doesn't sound like he has no respect for the W though. 

But yes, both have some changes due if there's to be hope.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Whatever. It doesn't sound like he has no respect for the W though.
> 
> But yes, both have some changes due if there's to be hope.


No it sounds like he doesn't ask her much about herself. Show interest in her and her day.

It also sounds like he doesn't understand foreplay for a woman starts in our heads. So if when you are on the road you don't ask about me and talk to me then when you come home you should ask about me and talk to me. Its seems like he skips that part and then when sex didn't happen exactly when he wanted and how he wanted then he switches to vindictive mode and my favorite..... You have to show me you want me... (I read now you have to come and initiate (even though I'm now being even more of an ass) or else).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> Since you are a woman-- can you tell me how OP husband approach would feel? Would you just go for it because he has been gone or would you need a little attention from him before you were ready for sex?


Given you quoted my post and asked this I am understanding that you're asking this question of me. To be honest, I don't get why you are asking me this. While I acknowledge that sometimes I go off on tangents sometimes, with this I'll just ask how you feel it's relevant what I'd need? To add, the dynamic between my husband and I reflects differently in many ways to what the OP has presented as a snap-shot into the dynamic between her and her husband. My post to the OP was about one of them needing to first 'disarm' as a starting point. To the best of my knowledge and intention, I didn't negate her feelings in doing so.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> No it sounds like he doesn't ask her much about herself. Show interest in her and her day.
> 
> It also sounds like he doesn't understand foreplay for a woman starts in our heads. So if when you are on the road you don't ask about me and talk to me then when you come home you should ask about me and talk to me. Its seems like he skips that part and then when sex didn't happen exactly when he wanted and how he wanted then he switches to vindictive mode and my favorite..... You have to show me you want me... (I read now you have to come and initiate (even though I'm now being even more of an ass) or else).


I can say I called my W virtually every evening from whatever state or country I was in just to stay caught up in what was going on. And to talk about sex.

And I was gone 3 weeks out of a month virtually every month.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I can say I called my W virtually every evening from whatever state or country I was in just to stay caught up in what was going on. And to talk about sex.
> 
> And I was gone 3 weeks out of a month virtually every month.


Exactly and this is why it's also different. He doesn't really do that. So when he comes home he'd have to put in sometime.

My husband always asks how I'm doing and talks to me when I want. So I'd be more receptive when he got home.

I don't know if she was receptive if after he'd then be interested in talking to her. Who knows maybe then he just goes about his business.

I do know that they probably need to talk about this when they aren't already in the middle of a pissing contest.

It seems such as small thing to actual show interest in each other. But neither is behaving like they want it to work.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> Given you quoted my post and asked this I am understanding that you're asking this question of me. To be honest, I don't get why you are asking me this. While I acknowledge that sometimes I go off on tangents sometimes, with this I'll just ask how you feel it's relevant what I'd need? To add, the dynamic between my husband and I reflects differently in many ways to what the OP has presented as a snap-shot into the dynamic between her and her husband. My post to the OP was about one of them needing to first 'disarm' as a starting point. To the best of my knowledge and intention, I didn't negate her feelings in doing so.


I didn't mean to call you out in a negative way, I was just legitimately asking your thoughts as a female. I didn't really mean your own personal relationship. Sorry about that....


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## JustAnj (7 mo ago)

I'm sorry I did not read the comments I don't want to get swayed.

When he comes back from a trip do you usually mind that he wants to be close to you intimately? 

I want to add that you being bitter I feel is the reason you rejected your husbands advances and led down to him feeling like he had done something wrong and made him feel unwanted. Then he began to act the same as you did.

Your lack to communicate to him that you were upset or had an issue with him going and having fun was the beginning of the issue. Then him returning the bitterness was the adding to the issue. You tried to resolve the issues but hurt him personally and not seeing how he feels closer to you when you are intimate makes him feel you are insensitive. 

He needs to apologize for adding to the issues instead of being open to resolve them and you should give him space if he feels he should be away from you. The fact that he asked you tells you he more than likely didn't want to be away from you he actually just wanted to stop bickering with you and sleep beside you. He did not speak up either. 

This is simply Miscommunication. So you not saying to him you don't want him to go and want to stop arguing increased his feelings of hurt. 

You both need to disengage from attacking each other and try to resolve the issue equally or give each other space to think and breathe until your both ready to say sorry. 

You both need to speak up about your feelings and if you decide to not speak on them please learn to let it go so you can enjoy your husbands company when he gets back cause damn he wanted you and missed your touch and your love.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Only gone one week out of a month? That's light traveling.


He is gone 7-10 days a month, sometimes a lot more but usually 7-10 days.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

JustAnj said:


> I'm sorry I did not read the comments I don't want to get swayed.
> 
> When he comes back from a trip do you usually mind that he wants to be close to you intimately?
> 
> ...


That's a great thing to keep in mind... regardless of what was happening he just missed me and wanted to be close. I know I over complicate and over think things and I appreciate this comment. If I can manage to remember that simple point then the rest doesn't really matter.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

This


Anastasia6 said:


> No it sounds like he doesn't ask her much about herself. Show interest in her and her day.
> 
> It also sounds like he doesn't understand foreplay for a woman starts in our heads. So if when you are on the road you don't ask about me and talk to me then when you come home you should ask about me and talk to me. Its seems like he skips that part and then when sex didn't happen exactly when he wanted and how he wanted then he switches to vindictive mode and my favorite..... You have to show me you want me... (I read now you have to come and initiate (even though I'm now being even more of an ass) or else).


The guy has been away for 10 days. He wants to bond, not immediately talk about the dirty diapers of a one year old and what lesson the four year old is on in homeschooling. That’s a normal guy and not difficult to understand.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> The guy has been away for 10 days. He wants to bond, not immediately talk about the dirty diapers of a one year old and what lesson the four year old is on in homeschooling. That’s a normal guy and not difficult to understand.


I can appreciate your sentiment. After all, dude is out working hard to support his family. I can appreciate his wanting to come home and grab his wife. OTOH his wife IS stuck home with kids and that can be draining. She probably wasn't feeling particularly hot and sexy when he came in the door. 

I see both sides to this. Yeah, women tend to overthink/overanalyze crap. I can see how that would annoy a man. But men are pretty direct about what they need and want. Husband wanted sex. Get jiggy now and have a discussion later. I never had this issue with my husband when he got home from short- or long-term deployments because we didn't have kids. However, I can see how a woman who has been tied down with kids and probably hasn't had a sane adult conversation for a while would want that emotional connection before getting physical.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> I can appreciate your sentiment. After all, dude is out working hard to support his family. I can appreciate his wanting to come home and grab his wife. OTOH his wife IS stuck home with kids and that can be draining. She probably wasn't feeling particularly hot and sexy when he came in the door.
> 
> I see both sides to this. Yeah, women tend to overthink/overanalyze crap. I can see how that would annoy a man. But men are pretty direct about what they need and want. Husband wanted sex. Get jiggy now and have a discussion later. I never had this issue with my husband when he got home from short- or long-term deployments because we didn't have kids. However, I can see how a woman who has been tied down with kids and probably hasn't had a sane adult conversation for a while would want that emotional connection before getting physical.


That’s what I said earlier in this thread. It was poor timing on OP’s part to have those conversations as soon as he gets home. That can wait for later. If I was away for nearly two weeks, I’d be hurt, put off and offended if my wife didn’t want me to throw her up against the wall and get busy.

Also, if the at home ‘mommy and me’ classes aren’t working, put the kids in school and get a job and associate with some adults. Life isn’t all about changing diapers and snack time.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> This
> 
> The guy has been away for 10 days. He wants to bond, not immediately talk about the dirty diapers of a one year old and what lesson the four year old is on in homeschooling. That’s a normal guy and not difficult to understand.


She's been at home for 10 days and wants to catch him up on he's missed, what his children are doing.as well and how they missed him to. That's what a normal mother and wife. They both have to connect, it's true but there is time for all.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

This doesn’t negate or invalidate any posts (or OPs feelings) and may be pointless raising, however, wasn’t this stint away 3-4 days?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s what I said earlier in this thread. It was poor timing on OP’s part to have those conversations as soon as he gets home. That can wait for later. If I was away for nearly two weeks, I’d be hurt, put off and offended if my wife didn’t want me to throw her up against the wall and get busy.
> 
> Also, if the at home ‘mommy and me’ classes aren’t working, put the kids in school and get a job and associate with some adults. Life isn’t all about changing diapers and snack time.


A woman could say the same thing. "Poor timing on the mans part to put his **** above asking about his FAMILY".

Screw me first and then I'll be in the right head space to listen to you talk about you and our childrens lives?


Sent from my SM-G781W using Tapatalk


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

And working doesnt fulfill a womans emotional needs while her man is away, anymore than a mans hand fulfills his physical needs while he is away. If it does, both should be worried.

Sent from my SM-G781W using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NotEZ said:


> A woman could say the same thing. "Poor timing on the mans part to put his **** above asking about his FAMILY".
> 
> Screw me first and then I'll be in the right head space to listen to you talk about you and our childrens lives?
> 
> ...


Now you're getting it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s what I said earlier in this thread. It was poor timing on OP’s part to have those conversations as soon as he gets home. That can wait for later. If I was away for nearly two weeks, I’d be hurt, put off and offended if my wife didn’t want me to throw her up against the wall and get busy.
> 
> Also, if the at home ‘mommy and me’ classes aren’t working, put the kids in school and get a job and associate with some adults. Life isn’t all about changing diapers and snack time.


Hurt? I'd be put off to put it mildly, pretty aggravated to be more clear.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry, another man thinking with his d!ck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Sorry, another man thinking with his d!ck.


Just trying to be clear 😉


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Re traveling....I'll never forget.....two days after getting married I had to go to Los Angeles for two weeks.

I spent a lot of time in lingerie shops while gone, came home with all sorts of outfits for W.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just trying to be clear 😉


I've been there (the thinking with my d!ck bit).

In this case, it must be incredibly off putting for the wife not to be listened to and be treated as a sex object as soon as the her husband walks through the door. The whole argument stems from that.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions. I'm genuinely sorry that your marriage didn't work out and that you feel like your kids played a part in that.
> 
> my husband and I have said since before we were married that we would make time for each other and make each other a priority. This is a two way street and if I'm feeling ****ty I need my needs met too and sex Is not the only need. Its obviously a very important one but is not the only one.
> 
> Also marriages are destroyed by a lot more than kids. The list is too long to include here..


You're really defensive here in some of your responses I feel. But, again, another assumption... Your needs are important, who said he would meet them at all? Is it you MUST have your needs met before giving him any? Men compartmentalize A LOT. They can shelve things a lot easier than woman. Maybe next time, choose your hill to die on. I personal feel like this one wasn't it. Yet here you are falling on the sword so to speak and it's petty. Hear me now, your feelings aren't petty, they are legit, however your approach to MAKING HIM UNDERSTAND is not the way to go about it. If it were, you wouldn't be here upset.

My husband worked out of town weekly every month. He spent hours flying, hours driving, 1000's of miles during the month. Craziness. When they get home, they just want a little love, THEY ARE MEN. And believe me, you want to talk about insensitive, you go read my back story. I KNOW what insensitivity is, lack of communication, withholding emotional needs, ect. 

You don't need to grovel, but you need to let this go it sounds like to me and next time try a different approach.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

As a father and a husband who can and does spend time away from home, I can say this. Hell yes I wanted to connect with the wife...BAD! but more importantly, I wanted to be with my family I missed. I needed to be with my kid as much in a way I wanted to be with my wife. I enjoyed each in their own time. Also anticipation is a way to get my wife in the "mood" for some good loving as well. As much as she missed me, it added to her feelings to see me love my kid and take some time to love her up play with her. Trust me, by the time we got to our play room, my wife was more than ready to tear up the sheets!. The old saying men are from Mars, women are from Venus is true. I put my own spin on that one...
Men are from Mars 
Women are Venus 
They feel with their heart 
We think with our p**s!
Any doubters on that? Lol


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Also this, any man would be fool to believe his woman doesn't know that after being separated by weeks and so many miles, the one thing on his mind as he steps in that door is sex, well is a fool as well! She knows, she knows! It's gonna happen! A few more minutes aren't gonna change a thing!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I've been there (the thinking with my d!ck bit).
> 
> In this case, it must be incredibly off putting for the wife not to be listened to and be treated as a sex object as soon as the her husband walks through the door. The whole argument stems from that.


Yeah I know.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

This thread should be required reading for any man looking to wife up and agree to the SHAM arrangement thinking his wife will be more attentive to his needs without having to work outside the home.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> This thread should be required reading for any man looking to wife up and agree to the SHAM arrangement thinking his wife will be more attentive to his needs without having to work outside the home.


I am wondering by his reaction if he gets turned down alot for the spontaneous sexual connection that he wants, and feels like he always has to jump through a bunch of hoops just to have sex with his wife.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I am wondering by his reaction if he gets turned down alot for the spontaneous sexual connection that he wants, and feels like he always has to jump through a bunch of hoops just to have sex with his wife.


Yes exactly. It’s like taking out the lawnmower for the first time every year. You really have to work at it to get it started. Now if I had to do that every time I used it, I’d hire a landscaper.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I am wondering by his reaction if he gets turned down alot for the spontaneous sexual connection that he wants, and feels like he always has to jump through a bunch of hoops just to have sex with his wife.


Then dressing up and doing her hair for him would be rather silly?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> Well that seems like it'd be further the point of me feeling like he was being selfish. So see ya!


I see, or read rather, that you’re still being petty. Even as a female I agree that if I were a dude I’d be planning my work trip too. And that’s not because of you originally trying to explain your feelings but the extent you took it to. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> This thread should be required reading for any man looking to wife up and agree to the SHAM arrangement thinking his wife will be more attentive to his needs without having to work outside the home.


I mean, it goes both ways but even when I was. SAHM, AND working PT once my husband got home, I still provided all the house duties, meals, grocery shopping, laundry, even mowing our yard among my ‘other’ wifely duties. It’s totally doable, yet you can get burnt out.

should I have been shouldered with everything in the household no. This was my life though and You want to talk about a husband being inconsiderate, this doesn’t even touch what I’ve dealt with. Not to minimize however. These are her feelings, I just think she’s going on poorly with trying to shove it down his throat, I mean convey them.

It’s not always what you say but how
You say it.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I see, or read rather, that you’re still being petty. Even as a female I agree that if I were a dude I’d be planning my work trip too. And that’s not because of you originally trying to explain your feelings but the extent you took it to. 🤷🏼‍♀️


LOL the response I said that to was to someone giving an unhelpful and childless remark. If my husband responded like that to me I would think he didn't give a crap about our marriage so yeah, good riddance!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I've been there (the thinking with my d!ck bit).
> 
> In this case, it must be incredibly off putting for the wife not to be listened to and be treated as a sex object as soon as the her husband walks through the door. The whole argument stems from that.


If I hadn't seen my husband for a few days I'd definitely want him to treat me like a sex object. A sex object he missed passionately.

Once we're done bonding as a married, sexual couple, then we can trot out diaper and homeschooling talk.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> LOL the response I said that to was to someone giving an unhelpful and childless remark. If my husband responded like that to me I would think he didn't give a crap about our marriage so yeah, good riddance!


No I gathered that in it’s entirety. This is my point exactly, you’re responses are a bit over the top. It’s a defensive style that clearly isn’t getting you where you want to go.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> No I gathered that in it’s entirety. This is my point exactly, you’re responses are a bit over the top. It’s a defensive style that clearly isn’t getting you where you want to go.


I think we are getting glimpse at what her husband sees. She came here to vent, have people tell her she’s right (and the usual suspects did just that) and not to get advice, learn or grow. I’m guessing she’s still in her 20’s by her user name, so it all seems to add up.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think we are getting glimpse at what her husband sees. She came here to vent, have people tell her she’s right (and the usual suspects did just that) and not to get advice, learn or grow. I’m guessing she’s still in her 20’s by her user name, so it all seems to add up.


The usual suspects 😆 you aren’t wrong!


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> You're really defensive here in some of your responses I feel. But, again, another assumption... Your needs are important, who said he would meet them at all? Is it you MUST have your needs met before giving him any? Men compartmentalize A LOT. They can shelve things a lot easier than woman. Maybe next time, choose your hill to die on. I personal feel like this one wasn't it. Yet here you are falling on the sword so to speak and it's petty. Hear me now, your feelings aren't petty, they are legit, however your approach to MAKING HIM UNDERSTAND is not the way to go about it. If it were, you wouldn't be here upset.
> 
> My husband worked out of town weekly every month. He spent hours flying, hours driving, 1000's of miles during the month. Craziness. When they get home, they just want a little love, THEY ARE MEN. And believe me, you want to talk about insensitive, you go read my back story. I KNOW what insensitivity is, lack of communication, withholding emotional needs, ect.
> 
> You don't need to grovel, but you need to let this go it sounds like to me and next time try a different approach.


I'm not sure how you saw my response as defensive. 

I also don't understand your point. So what if he is a man. I'm a woman. It's ridiculously to think that because he is a man I have to behave differently. Regardless I understand things weren't handled well by either party.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> The usual suspects 😆 you aren’t wrong!





RebuildingMe said:


> I think we are getting glimpse at what her husband sees. She came here to vent, have people tell her she’s right (and the usual suspects did just that) and not to get advice, learn or grow. I’m guessing she’s still in her 20’s by her user name, so it all seems to add up.


This is BS. I've said multiple times I appreciate people's response because it's helpful and they are not telling me I'm right. I literally said I didn't come here for that. If you wanna be a troll do it elsewhere. And fyi I'm in my mid-30s. So maybe don't go into detective work.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> No I gathered that in it’s entirety. This is my point exactly, you’re responses are a bit over the top. It’s a defensive style that clearly isn’t getting you where you want to go.


I wish I could like this twice. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> No I gathered that in it’s entirety. This is my point exactly, you’re responses are a bit over the top. It’s a defensive style that clearly isn’t getting you where you want to go.


Ok, buddy. Thanks for your input. Have a good one.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> I'm not sure how you saw my response as defensive.
> 
> I also don't understand your point. So what if he is a man. I'm a woman. It's ridiculously to think that because he is a man I have to behave differently. Regardless I understand things weren't handled well by either party.


I too am not sure why you think I’m saying because you’re a woman you should behave differently. As a spouse you should be behaving differently instead of the way you’re being. But since you claim you realize it wasn’t handled well then that’s really the main thing many posters were attempting to get through to you on. 

I do feel like you could have gotten a better response from your husband with a different mind set. That’s all. So while you’re saying but this.. and Him that, I’m saying BUT you were also dismissive of him as a man who’d been gone. Men operate differently and once you’re aware of that… girl, you can take him places and he will do the same albeit at times unknowingly simply because you laid your pride and exhaustion down for his needs before your own. It’s a give and take is all I’m saying.

I am a single mother, I was practically a single mother before my husband died okay. I get you’re tired, I.GET.IT. I was married for 15 years, believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m coming at your strong but it’s from experience and trying to help you save yourself and your husband unnecessary pain.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> Ok, buddy. Thanks for your input. Have a good one.


I think you need a bigger shovel. Lol it will save you time.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> I wish I could like this twice.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Just trying to be honest, though I know it stings.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> This is BS. I've said multiple times I appreciate people's response because it's helpful and they are not telling me I'm right. I literally said I didn't come here for that. If you wanna be a troll do it elsewhere. And fyi I'm in my mid-30s. So maybe don't go into detective work.


Trolls. Hmmmm

that’s not the case friend. And yes you have said thank you, yet here you are being big mad.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> It varies. July he was home 5 days and gone the rest. He is usually gone for 3-4 days and home for 1-3 the off again. But it varies every month. So a lot of the times when he is only home for 1-3 days we don't catch up at all we are more getting the kids adjusted and some dad time and taking care of tasks thag have been
> 
> No dude, I'm actually being annoyed at the repetitiveness of the same posters. I guess if I'm not saying thank for ridiculing me, making big assumptions about me instead of asking questions like other posters and for telling me I'm just being a bad wife ... I'm just looking to be told I'm right, I'm defensive, etc. Clearly based on my reactions to posts and actual written responses I am taking peoples opinions and advice seriously and respecting it. Respect is not what you've shown in your behavior.
> 
> My problem is people not being helpful and making baseless judgements, or making their own history mine. Get over yourself and if your input is appreciated go elsewhere. But hey, I guess a trolls gotta troll. Again... if you were trying to be helpful or friendly you'd be asking questions and trying to understand to provide better advice. Not making d!ck comments... this also goes to the other 2 or so posters functioning in the same way as you. How about you reevaluate your actions if you want a different response.


You’re entitled to your opinion just as the rest of us are. May I suggest you also reread your very last sentence and take it to heart. Here and in your relationship, if you’d heed your own advice you may experience less drama. Good luck.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Kecaj27 said:


> This is BS. I've said multiple times I appreciate people's response because it's helpful and they are not telling me I'm right. I literally said I didn't come here for that. If you wanna be a troll do it elsewhere. And fyi I'm in my mid-30s. So maybe don't go into detective work.


Wow, this is very hateful.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Then dressing up and doing her hair for him would be rather silly?


Yes, it would be silly to hint that you are excited to turn on your husband because you want to be intimate with him, but then make conditions for it and take it away the way she did. That will NEVER work to get anyone what they want from their partner.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Wow, this is very hateful.


I don’t think I’d say it’s hateful. She feels attacked. I get it why she’s snapping back. However she’s just furthering the argument some are making.

We should all take a breath, chill out. It really is meant to be helpful, some things are harder to hear than others and you know what? If some of us are so wrong, why go through the trouble to ‘exonerate’ yourself. There’s no need for that. We simply take what we fee is helpful and the rest is or should be anyhow, just noise.


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## Kecaj27 (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Wow, this is very hateful.


Really? That seems exaggerate.because I said it was BS and that I felt like they were being a troll? Like an internet troll. Not a literal one... or maybe because I suggested they don't pursue detective work? 

If you felt that was very hateful how do you view what I was responding to?

"I think we are getting glimpse at what her husband sees. She came here to vent, have people tell her she’s right (and the usual suspects did just that) and not to get advice, learn or grow. I’m guessing she’s still in her 20’s by her user name, so it all seems to add up."

This person was insinuating negative thing about me, that I am not taking this seriously, that I'm immature by making a comment about his assumption of my age... 

It's pretty insane you find my comment hateful and his, ok? Hmmmm. Interesting.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Kecaj27 said:


> this time he left Sunday, after leaving home a few hours early to go to a football game which bothers me because that's a few hours less with me and the kids (I was supposed to join him but there was a miscommunication with tickets-- he could have canceled but I told him to go still and enjoy it. Clearly I'm bitter about it). He had a 3-day conference which involves a lot of schmoozing with clients and prospects, lots of work but fun too. I mention this because while he is doing that I'm home with our two kids. Im a SAHM that homeschools. The kids are little so very demanding-- 1 year old and 4 years old. (Yes you can home school a 4 year old.)


I'm surprised with so many responses nobody caught this...about the football game. I see a big problem here with communication. Your husband is not a mind reader and because of that he failed your expectation. You told him to still go to the game and enjoy it, but you are bitter about it. Why weren't you honest with him? More direct? Do you tell him how you feel about him having to go away for work? I also see you making some comparisons here between what the two of you do for a living, and it seems to be causing quite a bit of resentment. You both agreed to your current choice of being a SAHM, but if you no longer feel that way have you discussed this with him? 

I honestly think the route of your problems are communication and you both will fail miserably if you can't learn how to communicate effectively.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I think the root of your problem is that you don't enjoy being a SAHM. It's ok that you don't enjoy it. I know I'll be slammed for saying this, but what you're doing is really hard. It's far more demanding than people realize and asks far more of your patience than is generally assumed. It's work. Hard work. It's not fun, it's not easy, and very often people react to it like you're sitting around playing with play-doh and coloring all day, and tell you you're lucky to have no responsibility. They're full of it. You're doing hard, and frankly very important and IRREPLACABLE work. I get that you don't feel appreciated. I don't think that will happen until your children are adults and realize how wonderful and supportive and selfless their mother was.

I realize that these days, homeschooling is so often the only responsible choice a mother can make. I know it's lonely and you feel that you are shouldering all the burden of the family. That is because you ARE shouldering the whole burden alone. That isn't fair. 

Sadly, this is who you married. He's off playing with his friends (I used to go to work conferences. I don't anymore because it's just drinking and in many instances, cheating. Very little substantive business decisions were made at my conferences. Some businesses are different, and I'm certainly not accusing your H of cheating. I'm with you when you say it's mostly fun, because it is mostly just fun.) You could tell him that you're unhappy, but read the responses to your thread. Your H will likely just think you're whining. He doesn't care about your needs, he only cares about what he wants. You can placate him and have peace in the house and just try to ignore and avoid him most of the time, or you can tell him how you feel, have a big argument that ends with him ignoring your feelings to do what he wants. It's up to you what you can live with, while your kids need you it might be better to just do what you have to do and detach to protect yourself.

Look, you're making a sacrifice for your children. I know you're frustrated and you feel alone. I'm sorry it's that way for you. He should be more supportive. But you have to be strong. Your children will be 10000000000% better off in life for the sacrifice you're making. What you're doing is so important, so selfless and so wonderful. Be proud of that; it's the most important thing we can do. I know it's hard to wall yourself off from him, because you'll be isolated. This is temporary, it will be over in a flash and your kids will always remember what you did for them. Before you know it, they'll be out of school and you can live your life.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I've been there (the thinking with my d!ck bit).
> 
> In this case, it must be incredibly off putting for the wife not to be listened to and be treated as a sex object as soon as the her husband walks through the door. The whole argument stems from that.


Years ago when I would often be away for weeks through months at a time with the Army, coming home always was a bit of a blur of some immediate and very enthusiastic sex.

Plus even now, all these years later. When either my wife or I are away from each other for a few days through work, coming home is still mostly a blur of some immediate and very enthusiastic sex.

And as always whenever my wife tells me I only want her for sex, I always make sure to enthusiastically agree with her.



Kecaj27 said:


> If my husband responded like that to me I would think he didn't give a crap about our marriage so yeah, good riddance!


I am so glad I am not your husband.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Yes, it would be silly to hint that you are excited to turn on your husband because you want to be intimate with him, but then make conditions for it and take it away the way she did. That will NEVER work to get anyone what they want from their partner.


Evidently, you can forget easily and have sex with someone who has just annoyed you highly. Maybe you can compartmentalise. I can't.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> If I hadn't seen my husband for a few days I'd definitely want him to treat me like a sex object. A sex object he missed passionately.
> 
> Once we're done bonding as a married, sexual couple, then we can trot out diaper and homeschooling talk.


I'm glad you like to be your husband's sex object. He is a lucky guy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Good catch mods.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good catch mods.


How disappointing... we were having such good arguments!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Evidently, you can forget easily and have sex with someone who has just annoyed you highly. Maybe you can compartmentalise. I can't.


No, that's not it at all. I would not have been annoyed in the first place. I am CLEAR with the expectations I have for my partner, and I am not rigid with them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> No, that's not it at all. I would not have been annoyed in the first place. I am CLEAR with the expectations I have for my partner, and I am not rigid with them.


You would not be annoyed if you tried to talk to your husband about something important to you and he ignores you because he only wants sex? I'm trying to understand where you would draw the line.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I'm glad you like to be your husband's sex object. He is a lucky guy.


I'm currently single, but I was married for 17 years, and yeah... my next partner/husband indeed will be a lucky guy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I'm currently single, but I was married for 17 years, and yeah... my next partner/husband indeed will be a lucky guy.


I guess every husband would wish a wife like you... I'm not being sarcastic...


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> You would not be annoyed if you tried to talk to your husband about something important to you and he ignores you because he only wants sex? I'm trying to understand where you would draw the line.


That’s not what @LisaDiane was saying. We all know what side of the fence you land on, but don’t twist things. She’s clearly of the mindset (as most should be) that she’d miss her SO and would spend quality time with him before bringing up that little Joey ate a red crayon for breakfast but pooped it out safely.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s not what @LisaDiane was saying. We all know what side of the fence you land on, but don’t twist things. She’s clearly of the mindset (as most should be) that she’d miss her SO and would spend quality time with him before bringing up that little Joey ate a red crayon for breakfast but pooped it out safely.


The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me. In a good marriage you balance both partners' needs. His behaviour is totally immature.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> You would not be annoyed if you tried to talk to your husband about something important to you and he ignores you because he only wants sex? I'm trying to understand where you would draw the line.


Define "important"...
I wouldn't expect him to have the same enthusiasm for the little details of my life that my mom would or that other mothers would. That's what I mean about expectations.

So the answer to your question is NO, I would not be annoyed if I tried to talk to my partner about something I wanted to tell him, and he wasn't listening because he thought I was so sexy and desirable and couldn't keep his hands off of me. In fact, that's the excitement that I WANT to inspire in him (especially if I dressed up for him beforehand), so I wouldn't push him away when he was showing his feelings for me that way.

I have always been honored to have the sexual desire of my partner....he could give that to any number of other women, so when he would consistently choose ME to be the one to share his sexual excitement and interest with, I felt excited and special, ESPECIALLY when I was stressed from little kids all day!!! I needed sex with my husband more then, because I wanted to feel like a sexual woman again, and I was so grateful that he saw me as a sexy woman and not a mommy!

Some women believe that male sexual desire is annoying and childish and that there is an endless supply of it, so they take it for granted that their husbands will always want them. Men are NOT machines...if you tell them their sexuality is annoying and push it away enough times, it will go find somewhere else to be celebrated.

And I would say that goes for female desire too (at least mine).


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me.


It's funny because that's exactly what I thought SHE sounded like...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> It's funny because that's exactly what I thought SHE sounded like...


As I said before, both partners are entitled to have their needs met. Why are his needs more important?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Define "important"...
> I wouldn't expect him to have the same enthusiasm for the little details of my life that my mom would or that other mothers would. That's what I mean about expectations.
> 
> So the answer to your question is NO, I would not be annoyed if I tried to talk to my partner about something I wanted to tell him, and he wasn't listening because he thought I was so sexy and desirable and couldn't keep his hands off of me. In fact, that's the excitement that I WANT to inspire in him (especially if I dressed up for him beforehand), so I wouldn't push him away when he was showing his feelings for me that way.
> ...


Important is what important to you. No partner has the right to belittle what the other partner considers important in their life. If you are happy with that and are prepared to have your opinions ignored and reward your husband with sex instead, fine by me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> I'm surprised with so many responses nobody caught this...about the football game. I see a big problem here with communication. Your husband is not a mind reader and because of that he failed your expectation. You told him to still go to the game and enjoy it, but you are bitter about it. Why weren't you honest with him? More direct? Do you tell him how you feel about him having to go away for work? I also see you making some comparisons here between what the two of you do for a living, and it seems to be causing quite a bit of resentment. You both agreed to your current choice of being a SAHM, but if you no longer feel that way have you discussed this with him?
> 
> I honestly think the route of your problems are communication and you both will fail miserably if you can't learn how to communicate effectively.


I noticed that too!!! 
She was resentful and bitter (HER words) before he even left for his trip, and clearly never dealt with that.

She also sounds like her way of communicating with him is to say one thing but have a hidden need that her husband is supposed to know. She told him it was ok that he to go to the game, but she was actually angry that he believed her. She dressed up for his homecoming, sending a message that she wanted to excite and please him with her appearance, but then got angry that he wanted to have sex as soon as it was possible. She told him to go sleep in the other room, but then got angry that he actually believed her and went in there to sleep.

This is NOT how to get your needs met in relationships.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Important is what important to you. No partner has the right to belittle what the other partner considers important in their life. If you are happy with that and are prepared to have your opinions ignored and reward your husband with sex instead, fine by me.


If you can't be respectful to me about my answers, then don't ask me. You already KNOW my stance on this.

I don't needle you for disagreeing with me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me. In a good marriage you balance both partners' needs. His behaviour is totally immature.


I’m beginning to wonder who _really_ created the sexless marriage you live in…


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I noticed that too!!!
> She was resentful and bitter (HER words) before he even left for his trip, and clearly never dealt with that.
> 
> She also sounds like her way of communicating with him is to say one thing but have a hidden need that her husband is supposed to know. She told him it was ok that he to go to the game, but she was actually angry that he believed her. She dressed up for his homecoming, sending a message that she wanted to excite and please him with her appearance, but then got angry that he wanted to have sex as soon as it was possible. She told him to go sleep in the other room, but then got angry that he actually believed her and went in there to sleep.
> ...


Yes, one of those spouses that say “yes” but really mean “no”. Good grief.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me. In a good marriage you balance both partners' needs. His behaviour is totally immature.


There is a time and place for both of their needs to be met. OP’s timing was off…WAY off.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m beginning to wonder who _really_ created the sexless marriage you live in…


I'm not with my wife any more, because I rejected the sexless marriage. And I don't find dragging personal circumstances into a discussion to prove your point particularly cool.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> There is a time and place for both of their needs to be met. OP’s timing was off…WAY off.


His wife could say the same. He disregarded her needs and then he wanted his needs fulfilled.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> If you can't be respectful to me about my answers, then don't ask me. You already KNOW my stance on this.
> 
> I don't needle you for disagreeing with me.


I don't think I've been disrespectful. I just expressed my interpretation of your modus operandi, which I don't find particularly appealing. That's all.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> If you are happy with that and are prepared to have your opinions ignored and reward your husband with sex instead, fine by me.


THIS is disrespectful, and it's YOUR modus operandi when you disagree with something. Like I said, you already KNOW how I will answer, so if you don't want to hear what I have to say, or if YOU want to belittle MY opinions and the way I want to be in relationships, then don't ask me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS is disrespectful, and it's YOUR modus operandi when you disagree with something. Like I said, you already KNOW how I will answer, so if you don't want to hear what I have to say, or if YOU want to belittle MY opinions and the way I want to be in relationships, then don't ask me.


Ah, that bit... yes, maybe it was a bit harsh. Apologies.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Ah, that bit... yes, maybe it was a bit harsh. Apologies.


Me too @In Absentia


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Ah, that bit... yes, maybe it was a bit harsh. Apologies.


Accepted!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Me too @In Absentia


That's fine... I have developed a thick skin in the last few years...


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> His wife could say the same. He disregarded her needs and then he wanted his needs fulfilled.


The issue I take with this is the fact that she dressed up and did her hair, etc. If it were me and my wife did that, then I would act on the non verbal cue. If I didn't act on my wife looking nice for me, then I can guarantee you she would be inquiring as to why I didn't notice her. 

I observe his eventual frustration as "she clearly missed me, got dolled up for me, I act on it and now she's throwing a couple mood killers at me." These are all communication issues that need to be addressed. Both people need to work on this, not just one. I also think it's such a bad idea to go down the rabbit hole of "his work is a party while I'm stuck at home with the kids". If you keep going down that path you will kill your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me. In a good marriage you balance both partners' needs. His behaviour is totally immature.


LoL! This caveman has a good marriage so maybe you could be mistaken?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not with my wife any more, because I rejected the sexless marriage. And I don't find dragging personal circumstances into a discussion to prove your point particularly cool.


This is a really fine line to walk because you are right but would you take advice on how to fight from a fighter who kept getting knocked out in the first round?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Here's the thing. A passionate marriage in which the partners place a value in keeping the sexual fires burning and the intimate attraction and attention a priority is far more likely to last, thus keeping a happy intact base for the children, ultimately. 

I promise you, the children will come to no harm if the parents connect sexually together first after being apart for days, 
and THEN discuss 4 year old Johnny or Jane's homeschooling curriculum. I promise. 

Fingers crossed that my next partner be on fire for me after days apart and wants to connect intimately, before discussing mundane daily life issues.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I was a SAHM for a few years and I felt I was working 24-7. I don't remember how my communication was with my husband at that time, but I remember being too tired to have sex. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself a few times!!!

Looking back I realized, I prioritized my kids. I put my husband in second place without even realizing it. Kids grow up fast and if we don't make time to have a marriage, when the kids leave we won't have a marriage. 

Homeschooling is a bad idea if you are going to be too busy or too tired for sex or to meet yours and your husband's needs. Plus you need time with other adults. 

I understand you wanted your needs met and your husband's reaction seemed unsupportive and selfish, but I think sex might be how he connects with you and his way of telling you he missed you. Both of you dismissed each other's needs. Sex might be exactly what you need! All those feel good hormones to give you peace and happiness.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> This is a really fine line to walk because you are right but would you take advice on how to fight from a fighter who kept getting knocked out in the first round?


Fair enough. People can ignore me if they think my advice has no value. I tend not to refer to fellow posters’ personal circumstances. They can still offer good advice. I’m not bothered about that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! This caveman has a good marriage so maybe you could be mistaken?


How do you know he has a good marriage?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> The issue I take with this is the fact that she dressed up and did her hair, etc. If it were me and my wife did that, then I would act on the non verbal cue. If I didn't act on my wife looking nice for me, then I can guarantee you she would be inquiring as to why I didn't notice her.
> 
> I observe his eventual frustration as "she clearly missed me, got dolled up for me, I act on it and now she's throwing a couple mood killers at me." These are all communication issues that need to be addressed. Both people need to work on this, not just one. I also think it's such a bad idea to go down the rabbit hole of "his work is a party while I'm stuck at home with the kids". If you keep going down that path you will kill your marriage.


Yes, they need to balance their needs.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Here's the thing. A passionate marriage in which the partners place a value in keeping the sexual fires burning and the intimate attraction and attention a priority is far more likely to last, thus keeping a happy intact base for the children, ultimately.
> 
> I promise you, the children will come to no harm if the parents connect sexually together first after being apart for days,
> and THEN discuss 4 year old Johnny or Jane's homeschooling curriculum. I promise.
> ...


The kids were still up. How do you connect sexually? There was plenty of time before bedtime to talk about the kids and family issues. The husband was only interested in one thing. Read the original post. His timing was completely wrong and if he doesn’t understand this, the marriage is doomed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> How do you know he has a good marriage?


I was speaking about myself.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Fair enough. People can ignore me if they think my advice has no value. I tend not to refer to fellow posters’ personal circumstances. They can still offer good advice. I’m not bothered about that.


I agree with you BTW but it is disconcerting sometimes.

I will also take this opportunity to apologize to you for doing that very thing to you.

It was beneath me and I'm sorry.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I agree with you BTW but it is disconcerting sometimes.
> 
> I will also take this opportunity to apologize to you for doing that very thing to you.
> 
> It was beneath me and I'm sorry.


I get it, but I believe you should judge people’s opinions on value, not on past history. It’s a very restrictive approach, IMO.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The kids were still up.


No they weren't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I get it, but I believe you should judge people’s opinions on value, not on past history. It’s a very restrictive approach, IMO.


I'm results oriented. A guy giving me information about how to bench three hundred pounds when he can't bench 100 is going to get extra scrutiny especially when I, who can bench that much, disagree.

Regardless, I agree about personal stuff and need to address a post on it's own merit.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The kids were still up. How do you connect sexually? There was plenty of time before bedtime to talk about the kids and family issues. The husband was only interested in one thing. Read the original post. His timing was completely wrong and if he doesn’t understand this, the marriage is doomed.


No, they weren't. Read the first post.

The kids were finally in bed and she wanted to talk about homeschool preschool lessons for a 4 year old and he wanted to have sex with his wife after being away.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> No, they weren't. Read the first post.
> 
> The kids were finally in bed and she wanted to talk about homeschool preschool lessons for a 4 year old and he wanted to have sex with his wife after being away.


Ok, listen and then have sex. Easy. 🙂


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, listen and then have sex. Easy. 🙂


Just as easy to have sex, then listen about a 4 year old's home "curriculum".


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> So the answer to your question is NO, I would not be annoyed if I tried to talk to my partner about something I wanted to tell him, and he wasn't listening because he thought I was so sexy and desirable and couldn't keep his hands off of me. In fact, that's the excitement that I WANT to inspire in him (especially if I dressed up for him beforehand), so I wouldn't push him away when he was showing his feelings for me that way.
> 
> I have always been honored to have the sexual desire of my partner....he could give that to any number of other women, so when he would consistently choose ME to be the one to share his sexual excitement and interest with, I felt excited and special, ESPECIALLY when I was stressed from little kids all day!!! I needed sex with my husband more then, because I wanted to feel like a sexual woman again, and I was so grateful that he saw me as a sexy woman and not a mommy!


My wife feels the same, she has often told me she finds it exciting that I desire her sexually as much as I do.

She wants to be desired sexually as a woman, to the point I want her as much as I do. She feels special for it, and enjoys that her sex is what I want as much as I do.

While she feels that my desire to have/take her lustfully, to the exclusion of other things makes her feel more as a woman.

When she had cancer, that I still desired her so much as a sexual being made her feel better about herself. Through all of our other challenges and raising our kids that I still wanted her sex, made her feel more than just a service to our kids.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Just as easy to have sex, then listen about a 4 year old's home "curriculum".


Ok, but I still get the feeling that his needs are more important and most posters here agree with that. Fine. I'll leave it to that.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Kecaj27 said:


> This is BS. I've said multiple times I appreciate people's response because it's helpful and they are not telling me I'm right. I literally said I didn't come here for that. If you wanna be a troll do it elsewhere. And fyi I'm in my mid-30s. So maybe don't go into detective work.


Oops...you said the no no T word..


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, but I still get the feeling that his needs are more important and most posters here agree with that. Fine. I'll leave it to that.


I don't get this attitude at all. Like it's a contest and you are labelling his needs "more important" because he's interested in sex with his wife after being away.

No wonder so many married men are beaten down and unhappy.

"No, we're not going to have sex unless you sit there and listen about 4 year old Johnny's home lesson FIRST." 

Ugh.

No wonder men's testosterone levels are plummeting in today's world, probably a biological defense mechanism because these are the kinds of relationships they have.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I don't get this attitude at all. Like it's a contest and you are labelling his needs "more important" because he's interested in sex with his wife after being away.
> 
> No wonder so many married men are beaten down and unhappy.
> 
> ...


I'm out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s a shame the OP got banned. She needs to figure out how to reach out and make friends. She seems really lonely and needs someone to talk to so she isn’t so isolated. It’s got to be really miserable when the only people you have to talk to are children, and it has to feel really bad to know no one is interested in your life. She’s doing something so invaluable by homeschooling her children; I understand there are huge support groups for homeschooling moms, that would help her make friends and decrease her feelings of isolation. I hope she’s able to find some support somewhere and figure out how to get through this, at least until the kids are out of school. Then she can go find someone who cares about her and get on with her life.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I too am not sure why you think I’m saying because you’re a woman you should behave differently. As a spouse you should be behaving differently instead of the way you’re being. But since you claim you realize it wasn’t handled well then that’s really the main thing many posters were attempting to get through to you on.
> 
> I do feel like you could have gotten a better response from your husband with a different mind set. That’s all. So while you’re saying but this.. and Him that, I’m saying BUT you were also dismissive of him as a man who’d been gone. Men operate differently and once you’re aware of that… girl, you can take him places and he will do the same albeit at times unknowingly simply because you laid your pride and exhaustion down for his needs before your own. It’s a give and take is all I’m saying.
> 
> I am a single mother, I was practically a single mother before my husband died okay. I get you’re tired, I.GET.IT. I was married for 15 years, believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m coming at your strong but it’s from experience and trying to help you save yourself and your husband unnecessary pain.


I am just curious regarding specifically what you think OP should have done when the husband came home. Just dropped everything that was going on and f**ked the guy? I am genuinely wondering what people are getting at. His approach....I don't see that as any more helpful than hers....


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The husbands sounds like a little child that stomps his feet when he doesn't get what he wants. Are you saying that his needs (d!ck) are more important than hers (talking about the children)? He sounds like a caveman to me. In a good marriage you balance both partners' needs. His behaviour is totally immature.


That was kinda my take as well. People are saying when they are gone they miss their family and want to be welcomed, but sounds like her husband missed sex more than he missed her specifically.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> There is a time and place for both of their needs to be met. OP’s timing was off…WAY off.


as was her husband's.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> I am just curious regarding specifically what you think OP should have done when the husband came home. Just dropped everything that was going on and f**ked the guy? I am genuinely wondering what people are getting at. His approach....I don't see that as any more helpful than hers....


I don’t think his approach was appropriate either. I do think, his response may have been different if her too had been different in the beginning. That’s a ll I’m saying. But then her responses on here were also defensive at times and just furthered my suspicion on her in general. Just my outsider view. Could be totally wrong, without being there we don’t truly know.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I don’t think his approach was appropriate either. I do think, his response may have been different if her too had been different in the beginning. That’s a ll I’m saying. But then her responses on here were also defensive at times and just furthered my suspicion on her in general. Just my outsider view. Could be totally wrong, without being there we don’t truly know.


Ok. Just from this line--When he got home mid-day he was instantly all over me-- made me think of some sex-starved thug he really cares little about his wife. I may be wrong too. That is the sense I got though....'instantly all over me'....is not always appreciated. Maybe a more subtle approach on his part, and a more welcoming on hers.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Ok. Just from this line--When he got home mid-day he was instantly all over me-- made me think of some sex-starved thug he really cares little about his wife. I may be wrong too. That is the sense I got though....'instantly all over me'....is not always appreciated. Maybe a more subtle approach on his part, and a more welcoming on hers.


I can get behind this totally. As a female, I anticipate my husband who’s been gone to be all over me to some extent and honestly, there is a balance to it. It’s a delicate kind of thing for some couples and she seems super sensitive.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is a huge problem. It immediately freezes everything if a W doesn't welcome home a road warrior. And the guy remembers every time that happens.


He doesn't even care enough about his family to ask what's been going on while he's been gone. What's to welcome home?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Evidently, you can forget easily and have sex with someone who has just annoyed you highly. Maybe you can compartmentalise. I can't.


And they still pretty that up and call that intimacy. What a joke.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He doesn't even care enough about his family to ask what's been going on while he's been gone. What's to welcome home?


She has a tough choice to make, and neither are great options. She can either keep her problems to herself or divorce, because he's made it clear he's not interested in hearing about the children or homeschooling or any of her stuff. If she pushes and tries to make him listen to her, it will just lead to more fights and eventually he'll take off. Then she'll have to get a job and stop homeschooling the kids, and with the state of public education today that's often not really even a choice. That's why I would encourage her to connect with local homeschool moms for advice on the kids, and to make friends so she has adults to talk to, I'm sure as much as she loves her children she's pretty lonely and isolated. Unless he's physically hurting her, which she doesn't make it sound like he is, it's something she'll just have to tolerate for the kids. The years pass very quickly, it won't be long before the kids are done with homeschooling and she can get a job and start putting money together. She'll also have a strong network of support, if she had someone who she could talk to who cares about her it would make her feel much better about everything. Loneliness can lead to depression, she should take steps to fix that by making friends.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I had to travel for work and the first thing I wanted to do is snuggle my dog when I got home, but first I went and checked her water, let her out, and got her some food. Duh.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I had to travel for work and the first thing I wanted to do is snuggle my dog when I got home, but first I went and checked her water, let her out, and got her some food. Duh.


Yeah but you didn't have staff you paid with room and board to do those things. This guy does; that's why he has a wife, to take care of those things. He doesn't want to hear about them, he just wants them done.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The way I see it, they are both valid needs, but when one partner dismisses the other partner's needs because he/she is only focused on his/her needs, then the outcome is not going to be good.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He doesn't even care enough about his family to ask what's been going on while he's been gone. What's to welcome home?


Did you miss the part where she said he came home mid day, was excited to see her then had to finish working from home for the day, then they as a family all had dinner together and they put the kids to bed together? It isn't like he came home and just tried to take her to the bedroom. They had been together for hours before he tried to get intimate with her and presumably there must have been some talking going on at dinner and while putting the kids to bed. I don't get why he is being accused of being selfish and only thinking of himself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you miss the part where she said he came home mid day, was excited to see her then had to finish working from home for the day, then they as a family all had dinner together and they put the kids to bed together? It isn't like he came home and just tried to take her to the bedroom. They had been together for hours before he tried to get intimate with her and *presumably* there must have been some talking going on at dinner and while putting the kids to bed. I don't get why he is being accused of being selfish and only thinking of himself.


"Presumably", isn't that the key word? She said: "aside from tasks we didn't talk". A patient husband - especially when your wife is stuck at home all day on her own homeschooling and looking after toddlers when her husband is away for days - is the key word.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you miss the part where she said he came home mid day, was excited to see her then had to finish working from home for the day, then they as a family all had dinner together and they put the kids to bed together? It isn't like he came home and just tried to take her to the bedroom. They had been together for hours before he tried to get intimate with her and presumably there must have been some talking going on at dinner and while putting the kids to bed. I don't get why he is being accused of being selfish and only thinking of himself.


He came home mid-day and was instantly all over her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> He came home mid-day and was instantly all over her.


Then she said this...



Kecaj27 said:


> Great and all but I was still juggling the kids and had been feeling a bit under the weather for a few days, sore throat, tired, etc. I was excited to see him though and had gotten dressed up and did my hair in preparation for him coming home. The next few hours he had work and then we had dinner and had to get the kids to bed.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then she said this...


Exactly which one was it? Did you primo yourself to be a tease or what? What do you expect a man to think? Idk. I just wasn’t on the bandwagon and I’m female.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh I think TAM has successfully run this poster off so I don’t expect her to clarify.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh I think TAM has successfully run this poster off so I don’t expect her to clarify.


Another one?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh I think TAM has successfully run this poster off so I don’t expect her to clarify.


The bullying is becoming a real problem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh I think TAM has successfully run this poster off so I don’t expect her to clarify.


You mean this poster was banned.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You mean this poster was banned.


Well that's not what I meant. But another reason she won't be replying to the 3 pages after her ban as to what exactly happened.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well that's not what I meant. But another reason she won't be replying to the 3 pages after her ban as to what exactly happened.


I went back and reread through OPs posts, the evidence is she brought the ban upon herself.

Folks weren't abusing her by no means. Yet OP threw spite and vitriol back at anyone disagreeing to some of her posts.

So there's that to consider.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP came here asking if she over reacted. She clearly didn’t like any opinions that disagreed with her. If she was run off, then she was never here for help or opinions.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

Kecaj27 said:


> He had other options when he choose this job. Ones that paid just as well. He likes to travel and wanted a job that included it. I support his choice but he needs to be understanding to what it does to us as well. For his kids he isn't here for a solid week out of the month. For me it means I am the sole parent for that time. When he is back it's adjustment for us all. That's the reality and it's not balanced to say that I just need to be supportive and understanding of him and not expect the same level and quality of support and understanding. To all the people saying he is going to stop coming home. If that's his reaction then good. I want an equal partner and someone who gives not 50/50 but 90/90. A happy relationship is hard work, growth, understanding... that's why I came here. Not to vent and be told I'm right. But some of these responses are ridiculous, from both sides. It's almost like, don't mind me, I'm just here to serve and best children. _eye roll_


I'm sure you had other options too. This is what you signed up for. Love is selfless. It's also your responsibility to make sure you are taking care of yourself and meeting your needs so you can show up for others. Of course it's his responsibility to do that for himself too. Unfortunately, we can't change others only ourselves. You have social and emotional needs and it's your responsibility to make sure they are met. You should share your happiness with your partner, not look to them for happiness. 
Do whatever you need to do to help yourself feel strong and beautiful. If you look outside to others for that you will be disappointed everytime.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Agreed , yet some here on TAM are triggered and don't know when to stop.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I know the OP is gone but her post is a great example of why couples have to communicate honestly, and in some cases bluntly, about needs. 

All she had to say to her husband was "I am not feeling emotionally connected to you and am therefore not in a sexual headspace (bluntly: my vagina is drier than the Sahara desert). Will you please give me 30 minutes of undivided attention to connect with you? (bluntly: so that I can get turned on and actually desire to have sex with you)" I think any husband who genuinely loves his wife would grant her this request.


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