# Young girls and dating



## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

At what age did you allow your daughter/s to have boyfriends?

My 12 year old, 7th grade daughter, and I share a very open relationship and we discuss just about everything. She is a very pretty young lady and a lot of boys find her attractive and want to be her "boyfriend." We've discussed many issues/topics regarding the other gender and I feel like she has a pretty good grasp.

Currently, there is a boy who is pursuing her and wants to be her boyfriend. She has asked for my blessing and I'm starting to think at this age I need to let out a little more rope.

Thoughts?


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

I think it depends on several factors such ast he daughter level of maturity and the boy she will be dating's personality. I think in any case it would be wise to take things slowly, such as letting them go to movies, fastfood restaurants, school dances other school functions together. 

Dr. Phil has a lot of pre-teen/teen parenting advice on his website at Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Parenting - Pre-Teens/Teens

I think it would be a good idea to set rules and guidelines regarding dating early on and make sure she agrees to and understands them. Dr. Phil recommends that teens don't have intense relationships until after at least after 14. The dating scene today is much different than it was in the 1980s and 1990s with social media and everything else.

My daughter is only 9 and my wife and I have agreed to wait another 3-5 years before allow dating.

Our 14 year old son was 10 when he started getting interested in girls, got his first cellphone and my wife letted him start dating without first coming up with a set of rules and guidelines and letting him know what behavior was expected of him. Looking back I think that was much too young even despite what his peers at school were doing.

Fast forward to today, he can't put his phone down and stop texting for more than 5 minutes when we have supper, ask him to perform a chore or task, or at his 10:30 p.m. bedtime. He has a new girlfriend about every 3-4 months and he pouts like a 3 year old for about 3 or 4 days after each relationship ends. I had wanted to wait on him dating and wanted him to have a clear idea of what was expected before he started. 

My wife grew up in a household where her parents were pretty lax and didn't set high standards especially with her younger siblings who are all in their mid 20s now and have a lot of issues and problems in there lives now as a result. My wife thought some of my ideas were too strict so we really didn't end up with a good compromise in setting dating rules with our son in the beginning and it will be hard making changes this late in the game. We do plan to have a better system in place before our daughter starts dating.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am probably more lenient than most parents as I met my H at age 15, we had a clear boundary I laid out early on.. no intercourse... we took our sweet ol' time, building experiences and learning of each other while our emotional connection grew. 

For me, it all depends on the character of the BOY in question..there is always plenty of clues to this.. how he's handled past GF's... what type of family he comes from... how he treats her...what he's into, what type of friends he hangs with.....all of these things add up ....(at least I feel they do)

Our 2nd son & his GF got together, calling it "going together" at age 14.. they were in track, CC and Band together & went to Youth group on occasion.. it's 3 yrs later...they are 17 and still together.... her Father especially loves our son.....they take him places like he's part of the family...and we do the same with her... at this stage, they are no longer worried about them being alone.. both very responsible kids, honor roll students, they both still make time for their friends.... they've had some arguments along the way...things they got through...but that is to be expected..

But what we've seen is not the typical high school romance of breaking up, easy sex, drama, hate each other, make up, make each other jealous..etc etc... will they last when he goes off to College and she is left behind for a year.. I don't know.. it has been a very strong 1st love though...(which is another concern - the emotional aspects of breaking up when kids are young.. impressionable and this too, even without "going all the way" could devastate them)..

When our 2nd son got dumped, it wasn't easy on him, he threw himself into music.. and basically got an "I think all girls SUCK" attitude.. but funny how this attitude -helped him GET girls.. women are odd ! Now he's got a new GF, he's spoken up better & been his own man..& she adores him.. (he's just 16).. her Father loves him too - she tells me this all the time..I just laugh..... 

All depends on the teens.. I don't have a black and white mentality on this one. We are very very open with our kids about sex, doing the right thing, honesty, temptation, heck even masturbation.. boundaries in sex..AND CONSEQUENCES of our actions at every turn.... No excuses! All of it... 

What I have seen is.. parents whose had bad early experiences often want to shield their kids.. might want to lock them up feeling NO WAY will I allow them to be alone with a boy...they remember THAT AGE....basically speaking out of their own experiences, if they got pregnant in their teens, they will even feel stronger...

I guess I am doing the same.. it wasn't a bad thing for us... so I don't mind seeing our kids enjoying the newness of a young Boyfriend or Girlfriends ... but I really DON'T want them "going all the way".... I feel strongly this should be reserved for when they are more mature and have found the love of their life.. (perferably over the age of 18)....these puppy love experiences, I guess, I feel are good for them too... 

Their openness with us on these things.. will determine how much leeway we give them also...it's not an age thing as much as an Honesty & trust/ are they showing maturity in whom they LIKE & want to bring home , etc .... so far so good.. 

But our daughter is only 11.. we haven't gotten this far yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD24 was allowed to have a boyfriend - at my house only. She was not allowed to hang out anywhere with him until she was 16. I figured if he was willing to hang out with her at my house, he would be a somewhat ok guy, but if he said no to that, then he wasn't someone I wanted her around anyway. Once she was in 8th grade and had a 'boyfriend' (they never even kissed), I expanded that to be at his house, because I trusted his mom to be just as vigilant as I was.

I made no bones about the fact that I was going to be aware of where she was at all times and if she didn't like that, tough. My job was to get her through high school not pregnant and not on drugs.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Some good advice. For the most part, she is a very intelligent young girl. She is also very impressionable and that's part of what worries me. I like the idea of laying down some ground rules and letting the slack out some. 

I will have more talks with her tonight about this scenario.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I've been closely intertwined with my DD24, she considers me her best friend, and I've watched the mental growth (or lack thereof) over the years. And she, being a psych major, has added a lot of understanding to that. What she thought she knew at 15 was nothing compared to what she understood at 18. Which was so immature to what she knew at 22, when graduating college. And is still less mature than what she is at now. She says that it scares her to think of how many opportunities she had to screw up back then, and yet how much she thought she knew right from wrong, and would have still made mistakes - she just wasn't mentally mature enough yet to see the difference. She said that the main thing that kept her from making the mistakes (that most of her friends DID make, due to lax or uninvolved parenting) was the knowledge of the punishment she'd get from me for doing so.

So laying down the law NOW - showing your daughter what her consequences will be in black and white for each and every possible mess up - is likely to define her decisions, even when she may want to do 'what all the kids are doing.' 

Also, if you haven't already done it, this is a good time to educate yourself fully on authoritative parenting, which is how you get them to use sound decisions and not kneejerk reactions. I did it without realizing what it was, and it really works. It gives them SOME level of autonomy but always backed by the understanding that you reserve the right to revoke said autonomy upon major screwups. And it teaches them how to negotiate with you to get what they want in a logical fashion, not an emotional one. And it keeps the emotion out of YOU, so that you don't become the mean ol' parent - set up the rules in advance and them allow them to play by the rules or hang themselves and suffer the consequences. I asked her once, when yet another friend had been grounded for doing something stupid, why she never did anything bad enough to get grounded, and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do something that I know is going to get me in trouble?' Knowing ahead of time what punishments will be meted out will keep them in check (most of the time).

What Is Authoritarian Parenting?

Characteristics of the Authoritative Parenting Style

The authoritative parenting style: A guide for the science-minded parent


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eek, double post!


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thank you for the links. I'll be sure to check out all of them. Right now, things are going very well. 

I feel very fortunate and blessed that she is who she is and that I haven't had many problems with her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'll chime in - mine is 15. I just got my first "scare" when a boy who drives mentioned he could take her out. Fortunately he got a little too ****y and seemed to assume she'd be really into him or that he could make her jealous by flirting with another girl in the workgroup in this one class - completely turned her off and she is no longer interested!

So glad my girl insists on being treated well. However I do see signs that she is afraid to let a boy get close to her - our divorce was pretty contentious as was the custody situation. I want her to be open to love and heartache when the time is right and not be afraid of it. So we've talked about the joy of love as well.

Since she tells me about other girls and what they are doing (and who  ) it gives us a chance to talk about boys, flirting, sex, clothing choices... pretty much everything without it being directly about HER. One girl has had over 20 partners already! But instead of being afraid this would influence her, we talked about it and I ask her lots of questions about this friend. Why does she have sex with boys so quickly? Does she think she NEEDS to to be liked? Isn't she likeable without rushing into that? Why does she feel like she needs these boys' "love" and approval? I want my daughter to start to see the wrong reasons for being intimate and what the emotional repercussions are.

And so forth.

So while we chat, my daughter is thinking and speculating and understanding the message this girl sends out, why she is treated with such disrespect (and always disappointed that she was used), when sex is OK, how sex is an expression of love, what REAL love is vs. crushes adn we talk about how she thought boy A was cute and crushed for a couple weeks, then she liked boy B but after their first outing how it got awkward and she didn't like him anymore... she can see how fleeting some of these feelings are and that some girls act on these feelings not realizing they are temporary or thinking they are much deeper than they really are, then they feel embarrassment, shame, etc. when it's over and they've done more with that boy than they would have had they been thinking clearly.

And although she's pretty and fit and smart - not even a first kiss yet. She's still really into her friends and has the occasional crush. I feel when she finally has a real boyfriend she'll use good judgement.

I let her hang out in mixed gender groups at 13 - I would drop her off at the movies with money and the group would always be hanging out waiting for everyone to arrive. They might decide to walk over to a fast food place across the parking lot after. But I drove her and picked her up and these weren't one-on-one "dates". (Yeah, she could like, sneak into an R rated movie and make out but I have no reason to not trust her.) At 14 she was allowed to meet this one boy at the mall to walk, buy a few little things (always a new phone case haha), get some ice cream, etc. but so far no double dates or one-on-one dates. 

So that's my take. Group dates for now, public dates when there is one special boy and not until 15/16 (depending on maturity of both) does she get the 'boy picks up girl and takes her out' kind of date. And meanwhile lots of discussion on boys, sex, birth control, STDs, the future, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I also told my DD24 this (back then): High school boys are for having fun with, meaning don't get serious. Your brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, so what you thought you wanted at 15 will be vastly different than at 18 and even more different than at 23. Don't get tied up to one guy you won't even want to be around in 3 years. And don't expect him to care in 3 years - or even 3 months - either. You're ALL going to keep changing your mind, over and over, so don't decide your life depends on this one guy liking you. Just have fun, date as many guys as you want. DO expect him, however, to try however he can to get in your pants; it's just what boys do; if you're lucky enough to get one who respects you and won't try it, consider yourself lucky; if you get one who does, make it clear you're not ruining your life for a boy by getting pregnant. 

In college, start trying on different types with a mind toward getting serious, to see what kind of personality you're a good fit for. But even then, realize that one or both of you might end up moving across the country for a job once you graduate. So date, but don't make it what your whole life revolves around; you may have to break up with him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so just last night I find out by reading some comments in one of my 16 year old's Facebook posts that he has a date coming up
this would be his first "first" date
so I ask my wife if she knows anything about this and she tells me that my son made her promise not to tell me until after the date because get this...

HE THINKS I WOULD PURPOSELY TRY TO EMBARRASS HIM

he thinks *I* would do that to him?! ME?!!

HMMMMPPPPHHH!!!


now, while he is correct in that assumption, it was somewhat of an ego blow to be excluded

but the kid put a fail safe into place-

his date is a movie/dinner date on Sunday afternoon which means I will either be watching the Eagles/pregame and won't want to drive him or will have been drinking beer and can't pick him up

smart kid

not to be outdone, I posted a pic of him in the facebook comments so his new girlfriend will see it


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

That's a sweet, sweet chair lol.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell her she can start dating at 35.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The kids are going to do things behind your back, so the best defense is to have open discussions with them before they are old enough to date. They should be encouraged to be the leader of their own life rather than be a passive follower. This attitude is applicable to dating where they take responsibility for knowing what they want and what their boundaries are.

At 12 I think it is a good time to be talking about these sorts of things in general. She isn't old enough yet to really understand sexuality and dating, but she can be learning good judgment and boundaries in friendships.

I told all my teens when they were about 15 and starting to get involved in dating or parties that they should enjoy being the age that they are. They should not try to be 18 or 25 when they are 15 or 16. They have the rest of their lives to be older but can never be 15 or 16 again. So enjoy being 15 with your 15 year old friends.

I tried to let my kids know that I trusted them but not everybody else. I trust them to be careful drivers but I don't trust strangers late on a Friday night to be sober. I trust them to make good choices but I don't trust other people not to try to get them to make bad choices.

A lot depends on what the dating scene is like in your area, and also the driving age. When I was a teen a long time ago, dating was pretty innocent even through high school. Lots of stay at home moms, and easy access to safe activities like the pizza place and the movie house in the old small downtown. Where we live now, the kids tend to do group dating or casual parties at a friend's house. But other places it seems the kids have little oversight and plenty of opportunity to find trouble.

For your daughter at 12, I would limit her dating to early hours and very public places. As she gets a bit older, some parties at friend's houses but not very late. At about 15 some dating but I would restrict the frequency.

With teen girls you may find she feels pressured to go to every event out of fear she will never be invited again if she misses one. While this isn't specifically dating, I think you need to set up limits early. My limit was one late night per weekend except under very exceptional circumstances. Otherwise, in the house by the time I go to bed (9 or 10 pm). Also, electronics off after dinner as much as possible except as needed for school. Certainly no social stuff after an hour before bed. Kids need to cut off the stimulation so they can calm down and get good sleep. They also need their own solitude.

Don't let your daughter date anyone older than her! I am quite serious about that. Perhaps one year older is ok, but it is a red flag if she is consistently dating only older boys. And seriously I would not let her date anyone more than a grade or year above her.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

I shudder to think what she will go through.

I was a 14 year old boy. I know how they think. I need to start practicing my gun cleaning act. Aways off but scares the hell out ame.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell her she can start dating at 35.


lets make this an auction

35 35 35 I hear 35.

Do I hear 36?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

So, kiddo and I had a talk this weekend. She's allowed to "go together" with the boys at school. I use this term loosely because I can't call it dating since she won't be going on dates with these boys(at least for now).

She was ecstatic about the notion and I told her the basic ground rules. I also told her these will change as she gets older.

All in all...she was one excited kid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope you included that if you find out she GOES anywhere with him, all privileges are gone.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

There are a few ground rules set. Most of which keep these two kids from being alone at any given time. I told her that he's welcome to come over and hang out at the house, too. Her and I talk daily about boys and dating and just life in general.

I am blessed to have such an awesome and open kid who talks so openly with me. I feel very fortunate.e


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell her she can start dating at 35.


Chastity belt is on order!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

My 14 year old has had a girlfriend for the last 6 months. Her mom adores him, likes how polite and respectful he is with her daughter, herself and her family. Has even stated to me that he is a well raised young man.

Damn straight he is.


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