# Ladies...How do you "get in the mood?"



## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

My wife and I have been working on our communication to hopefully get to the point to where we can have a semi-normal marriage. Sex is an important part to me as I look at it as that is the single thing that we have that involves just the two of us ad nobody else. Maybe I'm off base, but that is how I view it. 

After goign to counselling and being told that she was not a "candidate" for change, I had to do some sould searching and decide how long I was going to wait for her to try and make any changes in our relationship. I told her I would wait through the summer before I decided if I would file for divorce or not. She was floored and I explained to her that it was pointless to be going to any type of counselling if changes were not goign to be made. I had been making changes in how I treated her, was more attentive to her feelings all of which she has agreed that I have been trying and she has not. 

She began to initiate sex over the summer as I had decided that after pretty much 10 yrs of rejection I was through initiating it, so I didn't . She seemed to be more interested in it, even to the point that she reminded me about goign to get a "toy" that we could use after I brought the issue up one night after we both had plenty to drink. So it appeared that she was beginnign to open up more in that arena. 

Well a couple of weeks ago we were talkign and she said that she is "never in the mood" and doesn't know why. I asked her if she was in the mood over the summer when she woudl initiate sex and she said "no". This hit me like a ton of bricks, I thought that our progress in communication had resulted in us wanting to spend more time together and helped her with her desire for sex. Now I don't know what to do. I really don't feel like having sex with a partenr that has not interest in it, cause I look at it as it is being done out of obligation. Am I wrong here? 

I really don't know what to do or how to feel. What little self confidence I had was pretty much destroyed when she told me that she has not been in the mood over the summer when I thought we were making progress. 

Sorry for the long rant but any help is appreciated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can you ask her this. 

When we have foreplay does that make you genuinely turned on? 

Does she actually get to the "finish line" when you have sex? 

There is a big difference between being "turned on" to start and enjoying sex. Many women are not aroused to begin with, but they get aroused and have orgasms. 

By the way - this is AMAZINGLY common. Your wife is trying to make this work either because non-sexually she loves you, she is financially dependent on you, or some combination of the two. 




blown away said:


> My wife and I have been working on our communication to hopefully get to the point to where we can have a semi-normal marriage. Sex is an important part to me as I look at it as that is the single thing that we have that involves just the two of us ad nobody else. Maybe I'm off base, but that is how I view it.
> 
> After goign to counselling and being told that she was not a "candidate" for change, I had to do some sould searching and decide how long I was going to wait for her to try and make any changes in our relationship. I told her I would wait through the summer before I decided if I would file for divorce or not. She was floored and I explained to her that it was pointless to be going to any type of counselling if changes were not goign to be made. I had been making changes in how I treated her, was more attentive to her feelings all of which she has agreed that I have been trying and she has not.
> 
> ...


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Thanks for the response. 

I have asked/told her that it seems like she enjoys it when it happens and her response was "as it progresses, yes". She "finishes" probably 90% of the time and this is always before me. 

Yes, she is financially dependant on me. I told her she was gong to have to get her own phone line and be responsible for the bill because if she spent as much time working on our problems as she did looking at facebook, we woudl have a lot of them solved. She freaked out cause she wouldn't be able to pay the bill with her income. I told her I would leave it on for now, but the first time we were put on hold for FB then the phone was her responsibility. She agreed and said she would not get on while we were together. We'll see how long that lasts.

I just don't know what to think anymore. The way I look at it is if she does not want to be with me then so be it. I have told her that I will not cheat on her. I will divorce her before I cheat.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

he best way for me to get in the mood is to know the guy Im with is into me... if I know hes not, I dont get in the mood. I can be turned on with breat and nether region soft stuff. If your wife is just not in the mood at all start with a non-sexual massage to get her relaxed... warm temperature will further relax her so put a little room heater in the room. Light some candles, play new age elevator music, massage her back and shoulders for a while... then move to lower back... then move to her buttocks and switch between kneading with moderate pressure and lightly dusitng with your finger tips. Then, if still not warmed up, massage her legs... avoid the inner upper thigh area for a while... she may tense back up if you go there too soon. Spend some time on her feet and toes and heels/ankles. Then, go back up to her back... and reach around the top of her shoulders to get her upper chest and coller bone area. Do that for a bit and then move your hands down a little farther to her actual breasts and massage the whole breast... not the nipple... yet. Then, go back to her shoulders and back to her breasts and kiss her neck and upper back while you are doing this now. Then, see if she turns herself over or reaches her face up to kiss yours... then she is ready.

Wow, Im ready just typing this out! WIll you excuse me... Ill be back


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Thanks Choose...

Being into her is something that I have been working diligently on for the past 6 month as she would attest to it. 

The massage is very good advice. My problem is that she wouldn't go for the massage in the first place. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I think it is because of our relationship/communication issues and have told her as much. She says she doesn't think that's it, but just doesn't know why.

Thanks for your response. Hope you had a good "break"! HA


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

SHe doesnt like a massage? She is that closed off? Maybe give her a massage at Red Door Salon... the works with some woman she doesnt know. At least it would relax her. If you too were drinking and relaxing... are there any vineyards around where you live? Take her to a vineyard and purchase the wine you choose together that you like the best... and then share it with a chunk of brie and crackers! Go for a walk together (capitalizing on Mem's idea of workout), then have a quiet glass of wine or 2, and dont just have wine... light candles and play some background music. I know it sounds cheesy, but I think it helps set a mood. If husband is not in the mood, I used to stick a porn movie in and just do it. We no longer have a vcr in the bedroom, unfortunately. Perhaps I should go buy the dvds since he has said he wont.

Hope this helps, I thought for sure the massage would, but different strokes for different folks.

Yes, I had a nice break taking my mind off that steamy post by reading something else!


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

A frustrating thing I deal with as well is my wife is rarely in the mood at the beginning but will almost always get into it once we start. I feel your pain, brother! 

I have been searching for the magic solution and haven't found one yet. I feel like I have tried everything under the sun to get her in the mood and have found more often then not that her desire for sex is so separated from what I'm doing (or not). There is nothing I can do that will result in us having sex. Sometimes certain things work but sometimes she wants sex at times I would never expect it. 

I think that it's pretty great that she's been more into initiating it and that should be a positive thing in your mind. Even if she isn't all horny when she initiates at first, the fact that she's making those efforts say a lot about how much she must care for you and the relationship! Like I and another poster said, this is very common for women to take time to get warmed up. My wife has admitted to me on many occasions that she really didn't want sex this time or that time but enjoyed it after we got going and climaxed. 

Women don't think about sex like we do for the most part so don't feel bad that she isn't all horny and wanting sex right off the bat. You should feel good that she wants to please you and that she gets into it most of the time as it progresses.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sex infrequency, shes fine with it your not. i deal with this also. its difficult to approach someone to try to make them want sex (massage) when you know they dont want it to begin with. given the fact that she does seem to like it after it gets going is even more confusing. its a feeling she likes, but she doesn't forget its possible to attain so why not try harder?


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I agree with Mommy22...It is up to the woman to get into the mood...You have done your thing for years and now it is her turn to take over...Scheduled sex can be a bummer...Hot quickies in the morning before you get up are hot...We still laugh over the time that we were so hot for each other while making dinner that we couldn't stand it...The kids were probably 5, 9 and 11...We turned the stove off and went into the bathroom and locked the door...There we proceeded to screw  our brains out on the floor...The toilet was flushed whenever the water stopped running...Didn't take that long, but it was wild...Lots of flushing and memories that take you through the years....We have many memories like this...This is the thing that makes our world go round....We never forgot to remember who we started out to be....We just continued it....in different places.....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hmmm. What would happen if you said this to your wife. I want to give you a massage. I want it to be great for you. Like a 10 on a 10 scale. Oh - and one other thing. We are not going to have sex afterward. This is not foreplay. This is just my fingers gently, lovingly removing the tension from your body and hopefully leaving you feeling delightful. 

The thing is - if your wife does not want a massage under those conditions you have to ask her - or your MC in your next therapy session why she does not like her husband to touch her. 

But if she is good with this - then give her a killer massage - and again emphasize that this is not sex - this is just touch. But that means she needs to disrobe - or at least strip to panties and a t-shirt. This is not a "back" massage, this is a full body massage. 

And then ask her LOTS of questions. See the person being massaged - they don't want to have to say "that is a little too hard/soft". But they will answer if you ASK them. So ask and listen and learn. 

I touch, hug, caress and massage my wife every single day. I crave her - I crave her body - her heart - her spirit. I love to hear her say "hmmm that feels so nice". 

This is not foreplay - I know this is hard to believe - but hey at 46 my drive is lower then it used to be. All this touching is an end in itself. 

The funny thing is my wife will have sex with me any night I ask. She feels that it is her "responsibility" as a wife to provide me with girl friend quality sex. But the funny thing is that I will NOT have sex with her on any night that I can sense anything at all is off. If I think she is tired - she works hard - or sad - or tense - or or or. Doesn't matter what, soon as that happens I go into kind/loving/non sexual lover mode. And if she says - do you want to connect tonight? I just smile and say I wish I could take care of you but I have a headache - or some other type excuse. And she can see through my white lies but is greatful to me for making the effort so she doesn't feel like she is letting me down. 

And yes she gives me great massages to. But my point is that it is ok for a massage to be part of foreplay - but it is nice when it is just a kind gift from your loving man as well. 













blown away said:


> Thanks Choose...
> 
> Being into her is something that I have been working diligently on for the past 6 month as she would attest to it.
> 
> ...


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Good Points Mem..... If I said that to her, she would say "Nah, I really don't care for massages".

Been down that road before, no need in getting the same rejection again as far as I'm concerned. 

I got up this mornign and rode 10 miles on my bike and then walked a couple when I got through. She asked me to put some things i her car for her before she left for school and I said "sure" just like I always do. Came back inside and told her I put them in the back of her Jeep. Her response was "I'll forget them in the back. You should have just put them in the passenger side"

I'm about to say the hell with it...........


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i'm telling you, the more you do for them the more they expect and the more critical they become. i have been working at home all week, i have been driving back and forth from a car dealer picking up my wife and dropping her off (her car being worked on), i have taken kids to school and sports practices.....she has done laundry. i have gotten no thank yous or anything. matter of fact i got attitude this morning, so i got pissed off.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

These are some ugly issues. 

First the "nah" I don't really like massages. Sorry but that actually translates to either:
- I don't like you touching me - no matter how you do it or
- I don't believe you would touch me unless you want sex

If the latter - that is just a non trusting/paranoid posture. Hard to love someone who has that type of posture towards you. 

As for the ungrateful response. That is such a classic man/woman interaction. It happens so often I learned a little trick for it. When she says "in some words - oh you did it wrong". I respond in a lightly amused voice. 
"Darling thank you for being considerate and putting the books in the car, next time would you be so kind to put them in the passenger seat as I am forgetful and may not remember them if they are in back". This is my way of insisting she understand what I consider a respectful way to interact. 

And if she makes an inappropriate remark, then I just go "dark". I stop being helpful, and I basically focus on other stuff - things other then "her" priorities until she says "what is wrong"? And then I point out that being not nice to someone who is helping you is just not acceptable. 

If it is too much effort to be nice, then it is too much effort for me to be helpful. 

Do you have kids?












blown away said:


> Good Points Mem..... If I said that to her, she would say "Nah, I really don't care for massages".
> 
> Been down that road before, no need in getting the same rejection again as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> ...


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Two kids .... 11 & 6


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Don't give up on the "touch" thing. 

My wife doesn't like the "swedish" massge thing. But she likes these light touches and light rubs I do. I just kept trying different stuff until she said "that feels nice". And then I kept adding different little touches/things that I know she likes to my list of "nice touches". 

But my wife generally LIKES affection, and likes being hugged and touched. 





blown away said:


> Two kids .... 11 & 6


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