# anyone wonder why they got married?



## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

it burns my [email protected]% that i spent 16 years with my wife and now i question myself as to why?.. i know that i shouldn't question it but i cant help it. i don't want to be hateful or resentful towards her like she is towards me. lately i've been asking myself why am i the only one asking these questions. when i talk to her its just like talking to a stranger. she doesn't take responsibility for her actions when i have manned up and wrote a full page apology and asked for forgiveness and she is the christian of the family but she doesn't practice or know what unconditional love is. i want to believe that we were together for a reason and it wasn't because of her being ill for most of our relationship and it was a challenge to go through it. if you have a sick spouse then you know what i'm talking about.. its a lot of stress and not knowing if they will live or die and you try and do all you can to help them and then your told that you were never there for that person. the only thing i'm thankful for is not having a child with her and going through this. the only good that came from this is my connection with prayer and religion. its like i want to just shake the hell out of her and say, hey your throwing 16 years of marriage away because of hurt feelings and things that you held onto for years and were unwilling to tell me because you thought that i wouldn't care, really?. .my wife is selfish and only now do i see it. although i don't want to be without her, i just cant understand why she wont try and save her marriage when she feels that divorce is wrong. i don't really want to date anyone especially while not being divorced and i don't want to be one of those people who looks at marriage as something awful because it really isn't. i sometimes wonder if its a midlife crisis. i had a early midlife crisis at 35 and only now am i coming out of it at 40. i'm 40 and she is 37, how much longer does she think we are going to be on this earth. i have 2 children that are in college and i want to see them get married and have families of their own and maybe get to play with my grandchildren. its like why not file for divorce, i'm just tired. this is a [email protected]#$y place to be and i'm the only one who cares.... sorry, just needed some stress relief...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yep, every day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am sorry you are in pain and frustration.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps you need to let her know beyond a doubt that if she does not work on the marriage with you that you want a divorce.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this. I'm also going through my personal hell right now.

To answer your question, I know why I got married. Simply put, I loved my wife dearly and wanted a future with her, and to grow old with her. Fast-forward 7 years, and she tells me she's not sure of she ever loved me, that she was in love with the idea of marrying someone like me, but not me as a person. That hurt, as if the past 7 years have been a charade. I don't regret the good times we've had, but so much for hoping "nothing lasts forever" didn't apply to us.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It is sad when I read posts like this-I have been thinking this myself at times lately. I guess the way I deal with it is to believe that when I got married, I never thought things would end up the way they have with my husband. I felt like we would be together for always and that the time and effort, children and lives we shared were "living life" and worth every second spent on each other and our family. When I found out my husband was cheating on me; yes I felt every single day that I had wasted 25 years on this man and for what? To be treated like sh*t and have him be intimate with another woman? I try not to go there too much because it is so depressing to think that the years were wasted. So look at it as a phase of your life-and not everything works out the way we plan it to. Things sometimes go wrong and the very best thing to do is to move on, learn the lessons and make tomorrow a better day. Hope things get better for you~


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I know exactly why I got married. I loved my husband with heart and soul. He quit and apparently he quit many years ago and didn't bother to tell me. So, I am sure I got married for the right reasons just didn't know I was marrying a self centered, selfish _______.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

like freak says, every freaking day i wonder.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> And if you and Freak met the right man, you would most likely do it again


ABSOLUTELY NOT. No more marriage for me. 

But I'll take a roll in the hay and some good times.  Then go back to your own place and take your toothbrush with you.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

dean, don't wamt nothing to do with meeting another man, that would make me a switch hitter,homey don't play that game.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I would marry again. In fact, I hope to. Despite being in 7-year marriage that is ending in a lot of pain, I have learned a lot about myself, what I offer, what I can accept, and what helps make a marriage work. 

Personally, I feel I have a lot to offer to the right woman. Even my stbxw says I'm a great catch (but not the right man for her). I am looking forward to sharing love, intimacy, laughter, experiences and more with someone new, eventually. But not now... way to much healing to do.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

madaboutlove said:


> I know exactly why I got married. I loved my husband with heart and soul. He quit and apparently he quit many years ago and didn't bother to tell me. So, I am sure I got married for the right reasons just didn't know I was marrying a self centered, selfish _______.


:iagree:

That right there about sums it up for me. Too bad it took 25 years to see that.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

ahh and 28 for me.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

My current situation of separation/pending divorce has seriously made me question the whole concept of marriage altogether. The fact that divorce is such an easy option in this day and age, combined with all the "equal rights" stuff makes it seem pretty pointless to me; for too many people vows mean very little. With the easily available divorce back door, the whole thing to me has been reduced to a worthless paper exercise.

I'm actually getting, if there is such a thing, a "good" divorce; it is very fair indeed. But all the reading around on these and other boards, I feel I am in the minority. I have no desire to have any more kids, so I can't really see why I'd ever commit on paper again. I'd love to have a great, loving relationship again one day....but I just don't see what signing a bit of paper and making vows that can easily be broken (and potentially being taken to the cleaners) really means these days.

In times gone by, people had real hardships, reasons to stick together. Today, in the "Entertainment Tonight" culture we live in, many people have a slight disagreement, become "So miserable", blame it on the other spouse....and pull the plug without a second thought. People really don't know what the meaning of miserable is these days...we've got it too easy. 

I don't wonder why I did get married...but getting divorced and having my eyes opened has really changed my whole mindset.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> My current situation of separation/pending divorce has seriously made me question the whole concept of marriage altogether. The fact that divorce is such an easy option in this day and age, combined with all the "equal rights" stuff makes it seem pretty pointless to me; for too many people vows mean very little. With the easily available divorce back door, the whole thing to me has been reduced to a worthless paper exercise.
> 
> I'm actually getting, if there is such a thing, a "good" divorce; it is very fair indeed. But all the reading around on these and other boards, I feel I am in the minority. I have no desire to have any more kids, so I can't really see why I'd ever commit on paper again. I'd love to have a great, loving relationship again one day....but I just don't see what signing a bit of paper and making vows that can easily be broken (and potentially being taken to the cleaners) really means these days.
> 
> ...


If you think marriage is just a piece of paper and not worth it...Just think if you don't even have that as a small blanket of security when committing to someone.
Like everyone else here, I'm going through my personal hell right now as well, but I still like and love the feeling of being married, the sharing of resources, and the legality of the document.
It's not the document or the sacrament's fault that people are crapping on it. 
I, myself is healing, but I will never swore off marriage. I fought for this one, and finding the right person, I will fight for the future one instead.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> If you think marriage is just a piece of paper and not worth it...Just think if you don't even have that as a small blanket of security when committing to someone.
> Like everyone else here, I'm going through my personal hell right now as well, but I still like and love the feeling of being married, the sharing of resources, and the legality of the document.
> It's not the document or the sacrament's fault that people are crapping on it.
> I, myself is healing, but I will never swore off marriage. I fought for this one, and finding the right person, I will fight for the future one instead.


That's the thing....the more I read and think about it, that piece of paper seems more of an "insecurity" blanket to me. I'd sooner have no pretenses genuine love than either party ever feeling like they are trapped by legality and paperwork.

You are right, its not the documents fault that people are crapping on it - as I said though, this is the society in which we live.

Its early days for me and while I'd never say never....being married is just not the goal it used to be.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Worrieddad, it's natural. I feel hopeful again because it's been a year since the separation and I feel like I tried everything to reconcile with my husband, and all he wanted was out.
I too felt like marriage is such a sham because this bible thumping protestant that I married chose to defecate on the very sacrament that the bible holds holy. 
But time heals...I can see the advantage of being married versus cohabiting, and I'm hopeful again like I said..
Your cynical just like I was, I still am...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

When I got maried it was for companionship...plain and simple. I was very mature (49) and had or could get everything I needed, except someone to do them with. Enters a very nice man who wanted the same things. 3 years roll by and I am doing the lionshare of the relationship and now I want to be married....why shouldn't I get what I wanted ;o) Well, I did not put too much stock into what he was saying he wanted...or didn't want. Two years later he showed me better than he could tell me. BUT for two years I had it good. I got the wedding I wanted, I had a companion, I had a Step-daughter who was like my own...then nothing. I would do it over again...with the same scenario...but I am not sure about doing it again...with a totally new experience. Marriage is good, but it is very limiting, and it requires a lot of....everything, and without the motivation of someone whom you love and cherish..it is not worth the ride.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> My current situation of separation/pending divorce has seriously made me question the whole concept of marriage altogether. The fact that divorce is such an easy option in this day and age, combined with all the "equal rights" stuff makes it seem pretty pointless to me; for too many people vows mean very little. With the easily available divorce back door, the whole thing to me has been reduced to a worthless paper exercise.
> 
> I'm actually getting, if there is such a thing, a "good" divorce; it is very fair indeed. But all the reading around on these and other boards, I feel I am in the minority. I have no desire to have any more kids, so I can't really see why I'd ever commit on paper again. I'd love to have a great, loving relationship again one day....but I just don't see what signing a bit of paper and making vows that can easily be broken (and potentially being taken to the cleaners) really means these days.
> 
> ...


This times a thousand. We had some disagreements and my wife bolted. It's devastating. It's so easy to quit these days.


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