# bi curious husband?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

6 months ago my husband met a strange man from a swingers website. He met him and received oral sex once according to him. He was mortified that I found out and was very remorsefull. He went to sex therapy and wanted to gain my trust back. We have been working hard and it has been the most difficult thing in my life to try and trust him again.
He now travels with his close business colleage and shares hotel rooms sometime. I am very uncomfortable with this. We have discussed this and he swears they are both heterosexual (otherman is married as well) and that he would never hurt me again like that. What should I do?

amanda


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Do you believe that he's told you the truth and that this is finished or was a one time thing? Do you have reasons to doubt him? 

I wouldn't worry about a business colleague in this case. I would think that he would be one of the last people that you would try to "experiment" with. If the business partner outed you at the office that would be a total disaster.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I want to believe him it is hard to because we were in marriage counselling and it didn't come out there. I had to dig on the home computer to break into his hotmail to find out. This made the marriage couselling seem useless all that money and he was too ashamed to tell me. I have a hard time when we are orally intimate because I have flashes of this other man being on my man. Not good. My husband was in a major funk because of his unemployment it was a very bad year. He is working so hard now and trying to console me in every way. How can a woman be sure this was a one time thing other than learn to trust him again. It is REALLY hard because I still can't believe he did that. We have great sex... been married for 25 years and sometimes we have lapses but then we get on track again. Thanks about the colleague advise it is true. Even my husband says he did it with a stranger and doing it with a business colleague would be career suicide...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Saw your other post about not having a comparable story. I'd agree that this is different, but you are also dealing with the same trust issues that so many others here deal with.

No real easy answer. If you don't really have any reason to not trust him right now, then it might be "your" problem now and not his.

If he's guarding his cell phone, staying at work later than normal, on the computer more often, etc., etc., then maybe you shouldn't trust him and you need to keep your eyes and ears open.

Either way, it might be worth it to try counseling again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

what if it wasn't a one time thing? Does that change what you wish to do or how you choose to respond to him?

At some point, the choice is yours to trust him, or keep digging for lies. If you choose to keep digging, you set off a chain of events that makes you doubt and question everything, including your sanity.

If that is the case, you are better served over the long term by leaving the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

thank you...when will I stop digging is the question. I am still doubting and questioning everything, He says give it more time.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Stop talking to him about it. It is, like the other poster said, in your basket now. If it would make you feel better to continue to monitor him, do so quietly and dont mention anything unless you find a pattern of something. Even then, its not worth mentioning, it would be worth leaving if you watched a consistent pattern of lying. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised and find he is telling the truth. Then, You will again need to make a decision on what YOU want to do and how you believe you can proceed. You have to decide on how to help yourself heal (especially from those visions of the other man going down on him... really destructive to your ability to be intimate with him. Maybe suggest NOT doing "that" for a while, and doing other things for him that wont give you that mental image), if you can and what to do.

Think long and hard about what its wortha dn what you can do and handle... he has come clean (unless otherwise found guilty).


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

thank you, I am going to get help with the visual image thing and give it some more time. It is a fundamentally good marriage and I don't want to give up on it just yet.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Did you mention 25 years of marriage somewhere?

Was reading another response to your question on one of the other forums questioning if he is bi or gay. I would "hope" that after 25 years YOU would know if your husband was gay.

Kind of wonder if there is a double standard here that will be hard to get past. People can more easily related to the idea of two women experimenting than they can two men. Although I would agree - personally - with the guys on the other thread that I would never do what your husband did, I think its still possible that this was just an odd experiment.

I'm still unclear as to whether or not you've continued to see clues that this behavior might be continuing, other than the business trips.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Amanda,
You said you had a great sex life - and also that it had some peaks and valleys. And in a 25 year marriage I think that is very normal. BUT - are some / most of the valleys you or are the low frequency times all due to HIM? I only ask because if it is a 50/50 thing that is also pretty normal. But if all the valleys are caused by his not wanting to connect - that is a red flag. 

Sorry this happened. Marriage can be hard at times. 






amanda1959 said:


> thank you, I am going to get help with the visual image thing and give it some more time. It is a fundamentally good marriage and I don't want to give up on it just yet.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I wouldn't be the first woman to find out this secret even after 25 years of marriage. All your responses are really making me question his orientation. The peaks and valleys were many throughout 25 years. The valley last year was deep and long he was really down about his unemployment. He didn't desire sex and I was leaving him be because I didn't want to nag him about being out of work


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

There is no way a straight guy would do anything sexual with another male. He's probably been gay or gay curious trying to cope in a hetero world. There have been plenty of cases where men and women were married, had children then decided to leave their families and lead a gay lifestyle. 

Whether this was a man or a woman, your husband cheated on you and had sexual contact with someone outside your marriage. He won't tell you if it's happened more then once, for all you know this has been going on for 20+ years. It may only be a first time thing but I'm just saying he wouldn't be admitting if there wasn't proof and he wasn't backed in a corner and didn't have a choice. 

With that said if he's been with you for 25 years he does love you. If you're still having sex and good sex then that's a very positive thing and you have some hope if you are willing to get past it.

I think you have every reason to be paranoid and consumed and have every right to know what he's doing online, etc. I think if he wants to work through this then he needs to be 100% open with you and make sure you have passwords to any e-mail accounts he has. Access to his cell phone whenever you want. And be sure that he knows that if you find some secret hotmail account he 'forgot' to tell you about it means he was obviously hiding things and as far as you're concerned it means he is cheating. Also, make a policy that he does NOT clear the Internet history so you can check it whenever.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

yes thank you we now have an open policy, however his laptop is hard to access. If someone wants to have an e-mail account on a laptop at work how would I ever know...anyway I will hang in and trust that God will somehow reveal everything I need to know in time


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