# When to call it quits...



## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

I've been married for over 9 years... two kids, 7 and 2. We've never even celebrated an anniversary. In fact, one year, my husband said he purposely "forgot" to mention our anniversary even though he remembered it... yes, he said he did that just to hurt my feelings.

10th anniversary coming up, and I just don't think I can do this anymore. 

Has anyone been married for 10 years and never even celebrated an anniversary? I don't know if this is normal or not... 

Every time I tell myself I'm going to stay for the kids because I love them and I love my husband, he comes home from work and chooses video games over the family... He'll play til 4 or 5 in the morning and not even acknowledge his kids once.

He tells me he loves me, but I don't think he knows what love is... because I would hate to think that my daughter one day would settle for this kind of love.

The issue for me is... is it better to stay in a loveless marriage for the kids, or am I able to raise loving, healthy kids on my own? 

I'm a strong, kind, and loving mother. I think I can do it on my own.

Is it selfish to leave just because my husband doesn't "love" me?

In his mind, after all, he loves me... 

I make more money than he does, and I can fully support my children. In fact, I pay the majority of the bills, which he is fine with... and when he pumps gas in my car, he has to rub it in that he's "pumping gas in my car"...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m in a similar situation. Except that my husband no longer works. So just take your situation and have your husband play computer games from the time you leave for work in the morning until sometime late at night. The other major difference is that we married when our children were 10 & 12 years old. His two children and my son are not in their early 20’s. 

I basically raised his two since he had custody of them. But he played computer games in his home office instead of going to work. So I have support us all, raised the children and done everything else around here.

Now that you know where I’m coming from…. On to your situation…

No you do not stay in a bad, loveless marriage where you are mistreated and taken advantage of. Either you force the issues in your marriage and fix it or you leave.

What have you tried to do to change things? If you feel you have done what you can to repair you marriage, moving on might be your only choice. Right now you are teaching your children that what they see in your marriage is what marriage is. Not a good lesson.

So now the question is what do you want to do?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> ...because I would hate to think that my daughter one day would settle for this kind of love.


If you stay with him, what do you think that you are teaching her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I do not understand grown men and their addiction for video games.

That game system would disappear. Sorry....this is the grown up world.

And I'd start doing things without your husband. Plan things to do, without him. Let him play his precious games. How pathetic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I do not understand grown men and their addiction for video games.
> 
> That game system would disappear. Sorry....this is the grown up world.
> 
> And I'd start doing things without your husband. Plan things to do, without him. Let him play his precious games. How pathetic.


:iagree: Yes playing games and ignoring one's spouse, family and responsibilities is beyond pathetic.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

When you think about all that marriage can be, to see such a lackluster approach to marriage from your husband is incredibly sad. I've been married for 25 years, so most of us late forty guys don't understand the obsession with video games, but I did recognize that television could be a huge distraction in our marriage for me. I'm curious as to whether he would be willing to choose between you and these brain killers? I threw my television away, and we went without for the first ten years.

Elegirl mentioned that she struggles with a similar situation, to a degree. In previous threads, she's talked about her approach to addressing the problems in the marriage. What kinds of things have you tried with him?

Without making it sound like you are expecting him to abandon these other interests, you can approach your ultimatums from the perspective of your refusal to be in a marriage where the relationship ranks at a lower priority than his own personal interests. Many times, this ultimatum can be a very awakening moment for a man. I'm not naive enough to expect it to work all the time, but your post didn't really cover what you've tried so far. Still, communicating your vision for a fulfilling marriage, if this hasn't been done before, along with your refusal to accept anything less, will put the decision in his hands. He'll have to decide if he wants to committ to that same vision, or he'll really be the one walking away from the marriage.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Both my husband and I have forgotten our anniversary in the past. Life was busy and it slipped past us.

But to never celebrate an anniversary? That sounds a bit cruel. Is he unhappy in the marriage too? Does he regret getting married?

Communication is so important. Also, I don't believe in a relationship where your always walking on eggshells. I grew up with that from my mother. You would never know what would set her off. It was not fun.

For me, I'd call it quits if my husband did not put any efforts into making our marriage successful, if he was emotionally/physically abusive, unfaithful or not being able to communicate with ease. Bad habits like excessive, drinking, gambling, drug addiction, or spending would be a deal breaker for me too.

It takes both husband and wife to make a successful marriage. Maybe you both could use MC or IC?

It's a big decision to make. Life is too short to live miserably. Good luck!


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies. They were all very helpful. Yes, we tried marriage counseling four years ago, and things got better for a little while. But I've recently brought up counseling again, and he's refusing to go -- mainly because the last time we went, the counselor basically told him that it was all his fault and that if he didn't change, the counselor would personally find me a divorce lawyer. 

He thinks everything is fine. He doesn't understand why I'm always so unhappy.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It sounds like you have a parent/child relationship with your husband. He is using video games as an escape from his inability to deal with his life. 

Is there a way for you to give him some area of control in your marriage? Some section of your lives where he can demonstrate competence? 

Try to encourage him whenever you see him doing something that required initiative. This may be too far gone to do any good, but I think if he felt that he made a contribution to your marriage, he might feel better about himself, and be more willing to be a full partner for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

madteach said:


> Thank you all for the replies. They were all very helpful. Yes, we tried marriage counseling four years ago, and things got better for a little while. But I've recently brought up counseling again, and he's refusing to go -- mainly because the last time we went, the counselor basically told him that it was all his fault and that if he didn't change, the counselor would personally find me a divorce lawyer.
> 
> He thinks everything is fine. He doesn't understand why I'm always so unhappy.


Could you give us a list of the things you do for him? For example do you do his laundry? Do you do grocery shopping? How about cook meals?


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree: Yes playing games and ignoring one's spouse, family and responsibilities is beyond pathetic.


So why aren't you kicking his posterior out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lascarx said:


> So why aren't you kicking his posterior out?


See this post... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/40741-i-want-him-leave.html


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Just to clarify, I do everything around the house. I cook, I clean, I bathe/clothe the kids, take care of my daughter's homework. He wouldn't be able to tell you what she is learning right now... he hasn't asked since she started school almost 3 years ago.

I do think his life is very comfortable. I guess it's hard to leave because I know that I am partly responsible for this. I watched my mother cater to my father hand and foot. And so I did the same for him.

His parents took care of him all the way through college, and then when we got married, I took over. I paid all the bills, managed the kids, took care of everything...

I've tried to talk to him many times before, but he has an excuse for everything. He'll never say sorry. 

Right now, in fact, he is playing video games. He stayed up these last two nights playing video games until 5 or 6 in the morning, slept during the day while I spent time with the kids. This is the third night that he's at his games again.

My daughter begged him these last two days to take her to a local amusement park, but he was too tired and hung over, and just told her no. So, I decided to take them on my own today.

Thank you, EleGirl, for your post.

I think this is the year for changes. I keep waiting for him to tell me he doesn't love me so I can feel comfortable with leaving... but I know that'll never happen. 

Since some of you asked, last year, I started having him pay for rent so that he would feel like he was the breadwinner, but instead, he got really resentful -- like I was draining him dry. So then, after a year, I started paying for it again, just so that he wasn't so angry all the time. 

I'm going to ask him to move out.

Thank you all.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Madteach - I have often hoped my husband would leave, too. But, the truth is these kind of people are not going to leave because then their meal ticket would be gone and they'd have no way of supporting themselves. My husband doesn't work and I do the VAST majority of the housework, bathe, care for, do homework with the kids, ensure they have lunch money, etc. I pay all the bills. He never even opens a bill or looks at an online statement. I have often remarked to myself that the lights could just go off one day and he'd be sitting there wondering what happened...but the electric bill magically gets paid each month along with cable, internet, etc. 

He used to be extremely verbally abusive, but he has improved that now that he's realized I'm in counseling and I've been withdrawing from him. He now gets drunk and stoned all day - that is his little outlet to escape reality - some of them use video games, some porn, others substance abuses. The thing is that he treats me **JUST** well enough that I feel bad about putting him on the street. He normally gives me nothing for Valentine's Day and just a token gift of not much thought for Christmas, etc. But, this year he gave me a nice card and present I really wanted for Valentine's Day so I feel guilty about telling him I don't love him anymore. 

I know how you feel. I'm exploring all this in counseling and am not sure I'll ever have the courage to leave. Good luck to you - asking him to move out is probably not a bad idea at all.


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

MadTeach - my God your situation is identical to my current one, only its my wife with this online gaming addiction.

On the computer playing World of Warcraft all day, all night, doesn't cook, clean, laundry - anything. She rarely leaves the house and when she does it is to buy herself a bottle of wine and some ice cream to "party with" until the ridiculously early hours of the morning (3-4am). If we had children (thank God we don't), I have no doubt it would be up to me to tend to the little ones.

One thing I will caution you about - playing games that long he is probably having inappropriate conversations with female players at minimum, and at worse case scenario is having one emotional affair after another. My wife (of 8 months no less) I have caught her having at least 2 seperate emotional affairs going on (AT THE SAME TIME), and I am 99.9999% positive a third guy is in the mix to the point where she asked for, and received a picture of his penis. At least one of these guys is married (I checked their Facebook pages), for that extra little bit of class in these marriage on marriage hate crimes.

Before you dismiss this outright, be aware that they can communicate with each other through private chats online, and can sent texts & pictures outside of any email or IM client. 

Maybe I'm just jaded, but I don't see how a person can play a game for 10+ hours a day and not get bored of it unless there is "something else to do" while playing. I hope you don't get burned like I did.


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## mommyinlove (Feb 17, 2012)

My husband has a huge problem with xbox. I would love nothing more than for him to just pay attention to my 4 year old and 2 year old but all he does is yell at them for interupting his game. I am a house wife and do all of the chores and he works. The excuse that he gives me is he worked hard all day and he wants to relax. My response is I would also like to relax. I would like to tell him to not play as much or get out but I love him. 

In another matter he also spends his time talking to his BF while playing online. He also wants to stay at his house all week because it is "too much gas to drive to work and back all week." In my mind he just wants to be a child and work then go play with his friend. It is frustrating because his friends son did some insanly awful things to our daughter. 

I am about to just find a job and leave him, so I know how you feel. We have been married only 4 years so if things are getting this awful this early something needs to change for us or it will be over. I am so sorry you are having a similar experience. All I can say is try to talk to your husband about it, if you are still very unhappy then leave! Your daughter does not need to be treated the way she is!


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## ava marie (Feb 28, 2012)

My dear i can relate to what you're going through. the hurt, the dissappointment sometimes even anger. i dont know you but i do know that you deserve to be happy, we all do.


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## msjv (Jun 6, 2012)

My husband does this as well...very sad that our 4 & 3 year old say that all daddy ever does is sleep all day and play video games and wont play with them.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My escape from all the arguing and getting on each other's nerves is right here...........the *computer & the internet;* because I am not much of a drinker(only socially with friends) & don't go out very much without her, I don't play video games anymore(stopped about 7 years ago & sold my X-Box and all the games), and my only real hobby is golfing and you can't really do that after work at night.

So rather than sit there and argue some nights or get on each other's last nerve, I slip away to the den for an hour or two and log onto all my favorite websites and chat rooms.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Gaming addiction, online addiction, facebook addiction, tv addiction, tinkering in garage all night, going out with friends (without spouse)...

all of these things are behaviours from emotionally unavailable men.

I know because I am married to one. My therapist said make no mistake, they do this to avoid having to spend time and emotionally connect with their wife.

Courage to leave: I too stayed in my marriage for far too long in the stupid hope that he would:
1. Change
2. Get therapy
3. For the sake of my child having a dad in the same house

At least you have a job. I have no job (SAHM for 9 yrs), my entire family is on the other side of the world, I have no support system except a few friends and I have finally found the courage to leave. Because what I am living in is SICK. With a very sick man who refuses to look at himself. My son is seeing this sick behaviour. I do not want my son to grow up thinking this is what a marriage is. This is what "love" is.

Its not. I know what a marriage should look like. My parents were married for 46 yrs before my mom died of cancer. They were partners. They were there for each other. They were emotionally available to each other. They were LOYAL. My mum has been gone 6 yrs and my dad still wears his wedding ring. Still misses her and says she was the most wonderful woman he ever knew on this earth.

I'm scared about my future but I know I'll be ok. I successfully supported myself for many years before I married him at age 32. I can do it again. Its just going to take time and it will be rough for the first few years.

If I don't leave my son is going to be messed up and I'm going to be in the loony bin.


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## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

I am so sorry you have experienced such hurt. Sometimes when we are in a situation, it is hard to see past it. At least that is how it was for me. Then one day, after 20 years, I had total clarity. 

On another note, (in some states), if a marriage goes past the 10 year mark, the bread winner pays alimony for life. I only mention this because you indicated that you are approaching your 10 year anniversary and that you make more money than him.

Wishing you happiness.


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