# Outside Perspectives



## Celica (Apr 6, 2010)

I would love to have some good honest advice from an outside perspective on my situation. I'll try to not babble too much...

My husband and I met while we were both serving in the Army. We both have degrees and skilled training from our service. He is about 10 years older than I am. I married him with the expectations that we would both complete our service and that we would continue on in the civilian world and start our family. 

We both agreed we didn't want to do anything with our military job skills. I decided that I would go into the real estate business for myself so that I could have a little more flexbility when it came to having children and being there when I needed to be and my husband agreed to be the main supporter of the family. He hmmm and hawwwed over what to do for a year before deciding to follow me into the business. We both got training, then he finished his service about 6 months before I did. He didn't work the entire 6 months. Now I completed my service and immediately we went into business. I have done all of the start up of our real estate business and put all the work into it despite that we are working as a team.. 

Now in the meantime he has stepped all over my toes to get into 'floor time' at work so that he can get all the phone calls coming in from prospective clients. He is constantly getting to do the job and I am busy on the backside being a glorified secretary and maid service. The worst part is that he doesn't share any of the info about what he is doing with me. We are supposed to be a team!

I resent him for not getting a job that will have insurance for us and that I cannot start a family like Id like to. We wont be able to buy a home for another two years because we are independent contractors. More delay. 

And on another note, there is absolutely no intimacy in our marriage. Despite my requests. I know he has told me in the past that he lived with a girl for 3 years and 2 out of the 3 they didn't have sex. I am having horrible visions of what is to come.

Am I being a brat? Should I just suck it up and figure that the money earned, no matter how, is our money? Or is there something seriously wrong? Thanks for reading.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, there is a lot wrong here. There are two potential "main" issues: really poor communication and/or a lack of boundaries set/observed. 

First, it would be great if you could get into counseling together. If not, go alone--it will help a lot. 

I have some questions. What discussions did you have about potential careers for him? When he expressed interest in following you into real estate, what did you think/say? How do you let him know you are unhappy (about this and about the lack of sex), and how does he respond?


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

you said he is 10 years older than you what age range are we talking? mmmm what you talked about in the past is well in the past but you need to really set limits now.

you are not being a brat or bit** or whatever you have the right to question how why and when and sooo much more.

ok he seems ok with out sex... REALLY? anyway you don't so there is a major impass... then as for work what the heck did he do when you were still in and he was out of the service??? i know jobs are hard to come by but easier for military and they are out there you just need to really well at least start looking.

if he is wants the business may be this is sucky but have you thought of working for some one in the realistate business? i know sucky but maybe you stepping out or branching out it will make him see how he needs you in the business..

no promisses my hubby we set out on a business together (and i was the main person) but like you got officed duties and same no communications. I work for some one else (we have kids nnnnneeeeded insurance) and guess what it was just to prove i could and i love it....  

leaving him left a hole and he dropped off (lots of people owe him money) and it sucks to sit and watch but after a few months he is getting better at running himself.

anyway... before the house and kids and dog in the back yard make sure you get this relationship to a point you are ok with or you will build soooo much and have sooo much more to loose and most important you may looose you.


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## Celica (Apr 6, 2010)

Sisters359: Thank you for your reply. I would say that from my end, communication is not the issue. Im not one of those women that holds back what I'm feeling. I nip stuff in the bud. But he is self proclaimed non confrontational. (Hence him being in a relationship in the past that he didn't like being in 2 out of 3 years).

Other careers he thought of was to go back to school and go into teaching. Then he realized that it would be another 2 years before he could actually work and then still wouldn't be making great money. I was okay with him following me into real estate initially. I'm a firm believer in doing what you enjoy and being happy with your career. That said, I thought we would work as a team but right now its as though he's competing with me. 

About the lack of sex, I have brought it up numerous times. To which he responds that he was tired and Im so beautiful so sexy..yada yada. But does nothing to change it. When we do, its REALLY quick. Could he just be embarassed that he has no stamina? Ugh. I swear he was not like this before we were married. 

Momof6girls: Thank you for your reply. He is 37 and I am 27. And yes he should have had a job while I was still in the military and he was out. But he didn't. He could have, just chose not to. We were moving as soon as I finished so the excuse was , why start. Its pathetic I know. He just basically washed clothes and dishes and ran household errands for 6 months. 
I actually have been toying with ideas of other jobs and means. There is a part of me that thinks he probably is going to have to fall on his face to see. Im sorry you dealt with this too but its nice to hear advice from someone who has been through it . I knew working together would be a challenge in our marriage but this is more that I bargained for.


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