# wife first or mom first?



## wifey32 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ladies, I'm expecting my first child (3 months pregnant) and I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this? If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1? or how many of you think it is mom first, then wife?
And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I absolutely agree with your mom. If either parent puts the children's needs above their spouses (not to the neglection of the kids of course), it will eventually lead to resentment of one or both of the parents. It will give the kids a sense of entitlement because they're more important than Mom or Dad. And of course it will give the kids a poor example to follow when it comes to parenting and relating to children when they're adults someday.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just remember that your children will grow up and move away but your husband will be there forever if you treat him properly.

also most families thrive when the wife and husbands make an effort to stay connected emotionaly/sexually.

I think the problems start when you hear about couples who let their marriage play second fiddle to their kids needs. the most important need for a child is a safe happy home with both parrents.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

Be a wife first, then a mom or risk pushing your husband away to a woman who will put him first. Sigh


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's all about who needs you most at any given time. And you need to be able to recognize when someone's need is greater than someone elses and balance the attention your kids need with that of your husband.

To say you should ALWAYS put either your husband or your kids first will spell disaster. Your kids will need you less and less as they grow up, so when they're little is the hardest time. It's a delicate balancing act to make sure and stay connected with your husband but not neglect your kids either. As long as you are conscious of it, you should be fine. You need to make a point of dating your husband, make time for sex and romance. Don't be afraid to hire a sitter for an evening or a weekend.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

As a man I don’t know what’s in a woman’s mind, heart and soul. I just don’t know.

But what a wonderful, fabulous question you ask. I think it’s “juggling”. In that in some way as a wife and mother you work some kind of a spell. 

Maybe ask SimplyAmorous about these things. She has the “magic dust”. As did my wife. Lucky and blessed guys are we.

It’s a kind of magic in that you look after your “pride”, like a lioness.

Sometimes you’ll seriously test the male in your pride. Bear in mind that if he’s with you, as you chose him he’ll be a seriously good man and well worthy of your thoughts, love and considerations.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's an attitude. My husband comes before my kids. His needs are more important than theirs. 

That said babies are needy. So yes there will be a season where you will have times when they will have to come first in that moment. They will need to be fed, changed, held, and rocked. Where I think most women go wrong with this is getting too wrapped up in motherhood and they forget their husbands. Or worse they begin to treat their husband as just another child.

It is a balancing act but I agree as long as you make sure to stay connected to your husband you will be fine. Just remember one day your kids will be older, will have friends of their own, will move out, etc. and he will still be there. They won't.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Atleast if you are one or the other you are further ahead then some...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

yes, wife first. This has always been our philosophy. Spouse first. It has served us well for 35 years. As far as the how do you do it part. I will have to have my wife (East coast girl) to answer that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, biologically speaking, oxytocin (sp?) is released when an infant nurses and during orgasm. It is the bonding hormone; which happens most? And most pre-industrialized cultures nurse/nursed for about 2 years, to ensure proper nutrition, although by 2 years, nursing is down to 1x or 2x/day.

I think this facilitates the ability of a woman to find different mates for each of her kids--it's natures way of making the male lose interest (b/c the female neglects him for the baby), so he moves on. When she is interested in breeding again, she finds a new male--which means, her offspring have genetic diversity, which is a much better guarantee that her DNA will get passed on.

Of course, humans can socially contruct arrangements, such as marriage, that go against biology. Just decide what's more important to you--being a mom or being a wife. And I beg to differ about kids not being there; only if you totally and hugely screw up. There are way more divorced couples than alienated children. Just sayin'  (I know someone hates that phrase, so I had to thow it in just as a tease. Sorry!)


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## smeagle3691 (Jul 12, 2012)

The juggling bit is right and you have to devote time to both - unfortunately my wife did not follow this advice. She devoted all her time to the children neglecting both myself and herself. She lost interest in me and put on weight, didn't bother with make-up or her appearance and it resulted in me having an affair. We eventually got over this and all was resolved and we stayed together but took a couple of years and as a result I believe our behaviour at the time has impacted on how our (now adult) daughter turned out. 
Get a decent babysitter in, dress up sexy for your man and treat him (or get him to treat you) to the occasional night out to keep your marriage sweet!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The kids wouldn't be there if it weren't for the husband, and I think it's important for him to always know that he's number one. IMO, a H and W should put one another first, but _jointly _ agree to put the kids before themselves.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

wifey32 said:


> And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?


My wife has always put the kids, herself and even her friends before me. I'm sure this is what her mom told (or at least showed) her and probably what her friends do too.

Sadly, there are consequences to these choices. My wife suffers greatly for the choices of her mom and suffers again for her own choices. This deeply saddens me. I try to help her but it's like the old joke:

me - "Mr Fish, what's it like living in all that water?"

Mr Fish - "What water?"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wifey32 said:


> I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this?


 I feel your Mom's advice is very very *wise.* I have many regrets about how I allowed wanting children so desperately (when I couldn't conceive after our 1st), then when they started coming, how I put my husband on the back burner, I was just so overwhelmingly THANKFUL for them, I allowed my world to revolve around them, half forgetting the man who helped me create them. Things were still GOOD but they could have been better / hotter /more excitement between the 2 of us. I wasn't even the "tired Mom" like so often is the case. 

But I lived & breathed how to keep THEM happy, how to enhance their little lives and wasnt concentrating on US, getting away, taking little vacations alone..it was always "family vacations" for us, big birthday bashes - for 19 long yrs, we didn't think we needed those date nights. I regret these things. 

I remember a time yrs ago, my Aunt insisted on baby sitting for us, and when we got off alone, I recall this thought came over me sitting across from him in the restaurant..... "Hmmm, what do we even talk about -if it isn't the kids!" - we allowed them to be our focus way too much.....romance subsided. 

This never should have been. If we water the romance, and keep the sexual connection humming, Dad will be very happy indeed. This, I learned, later was what my husband was missing the most. I also was stupid enough to put the babies in bed with us...He just let me do it -he should have put a stop to that early on! :banghead: Not sure what I was thinking either, talk about dampering the sex life! :banghead:



> If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1?


 People generally make time for what is important to them ....We find a way... do this for our husbands, keep those date nights, swap baby sitting favors with friends if you have too. Get the kids in bed early....be creative- how to keep them entertained so you have time alone every single day. 

Set your alarm a little early to give our husbands attention in the am -before he goes off to work, whatever you can fit into your schedules, make it a priority. 

Keep the flirting, teasing and pleasing all the way through. We can all be great Moms , good homemakers and fantasitc Lovers. It is a balancing act but so possible.

And when we GIVE our husbands this time, him feeling loved and appreciated, he is more likely going to be stepping up to help in every way he can with the kids too!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> It's an attitude. My husband comes before my kids. His needs are more important than theirs.
> 
> That said babies are needy. So yes there will be a season where you will have times when they will have to come first in that moment. They will need to be fed, changed, held, and rocked. Where I think most women go wrong with this is getting too wrapped up in motherhood and they forget their husbands. *Or worse they begin to treat their husband as just another child.*
> It is a balancing act but I agree as long as you make sure to stay connected to your husband you will be fine. Just remember one day your kids will be older, will have friends of their own, will move out, etc. and he will still be there. They won't.


I agree with this, but note that the worst thing is to make your husband the hired help. I have seen couples where all aspects of the family revolve around the wife's job of raising the children. Every decision was seen through that lens. The husband's job was to provide money and another set of hands to help the kids. 

While we never got that bad, there were a couple of fights where I essentially asked if my wife would even care if I disappeared after she got the kids to bed. Fortunately, we really worked really hard to get back to a place where we were spouses and lovers, as well as parents. It took both of us, but i do think that mother's attention to their child can be difficult to moderate.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

smeagle3691 said:


> The juggling bit is right and you have to devote time to both - unfortunately my wife did not follow this advice. She devoted all her time to the children neglecting both myself and herself. *She lost interest in me and put on weight, didn't bother with make-up or her appearance and it resulted in me having an affair.* We eventually got over this and all was resolved and we stayed together but took a couple of years and as a result I believe our behaviour at the time has impacted on how our (now adult) daughter turned out.
> Get a decent babysitter in, dress up sexy for your man and treat him (or get him to treat you) to the occasional night out to keep your marriage sweet!


I call BS. YOU chose to have an affair. YOU. That's what YOU decided to do when your wife gained weight and neglected you. Saying that your wife not fulfilling your every need made you cheat is a total cop out. I hope your wife doesn't let you get away with that kind of thinking.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> the worst thing is to make your husband the hired help.


I agree and furthermore you criticize the help when you get it. 

"That's not the right outfit". "You're holding him wrong". "Oh here just let me do it". 

Guilty as charged on that one. Luckily I caught on quickly (we were in MC) that I was micromanaging. I learned to back off and trust that he would figure this out without my help.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I agree and furthermore you criticize the help when you get it.
> 
> "That's not the right outfit". "You're holding him wrong". "Oh here just let me do it".
> 
> Guilty as charged on that one. Luckily I caught on quickly (we were in MC) that I was micromanaging. I learned to back off and trust that he would figure this out without my help.


I remember one couple where the husband took the kid upstairs to change the diaper, and had to change the outfit as well. He came down, gave the baby to his wife, who then loudly complained that he changed the diaper wrong and that the outfit he picked (apparantly he had packed the bag) was all wrong. Not ten minutes later she started b!tching because he never helped her with anything. While some of the other mothers looked on in shock, there were a couple that nodded sympathetically. It was absolutely amazing.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

im a mom to my kids, and a girlfriend/mistress sometimes wife to my husband.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I used to think that I should put my kids above all else, until my husband told me he felt his peice of the pie was getting smaller in all ways and by pie he meant me... and that he was also last on my list.... made me rethink things. Also read some marriage books, and says your marriage came first it should always come first, without a strong marriage your children dont have a good example set for them, etc.... you should be a wife first and mother as a close second.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Speaking from experience as a husband who is not #1 on his wife's list.......you need to be a wife first, then a mother.

You were a wife before the kids came along, and as luck has it, those same kids will eventually leave the house.

Unfortunately, my wife (either intentionally or unintentionally) didn't see things that way, and as the saying goes, is now beginning to comprehend the error of her ways.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Sometimes one, sometimes the other. My kids are little still, so they have big, intense needs. Mostly, they come first. For both of us.

I'll be honest, we had a hard time after our first was born. She was a really terrible sleeper, we were both exhausted and it exacerbated a bad dynamic in our relationship. Basically, if I withdrew, or was angry or upset, my husband would withdraw. Before children I would approach him and insist he talk about stuff, but that took a lot if energy and I didn't have after my first was born. So we got more and more distant.

I got angry and resentful and felt like he only cared about our baby and didn't even miss me or our relationship. Neither of us talked about it. Later I found out he cared so much that he was verging on suicidal. I was so wrapped up in my own angst I didn't even notice. 

Things are much, much better now. We finally talked and understood each other better, and although there was never any overt nastiness or disrespect, things just felt wrong between us, and now we have found the love and sex and fun again.

Things aren't the same though, because we aren't the same. I actually feel I know him better now, and see that he is more vulnerable and fragile than I used to think. He needs me more than i realised, depends on me to support him emotionally. I feel the same fierce protectiveness for him as I do for my children, although I haven't lost any of my passionate man/woman love either. 

If you can look at your relationship and see the weak spots in how you interact, focus on improving those, because a baby makes the good stuff better and the bad stuff worse. We were together for over ten years before our baby was born and thought we had it all figured out. We didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What children need most from their parents is to grow up in a joyful family....with evidence of much love flowing from the Father to the Mother ....and from the Mother to the Father, this gives children a sense of what the world is meant to be...and much hope for their own future happiness in this thing called marraige....and Parenting. 










Don't forget it all began HERE....


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I wonder how many wives actually put their husbands before their children?

Would make a great survey topic in both the Ladies Lounge and Men's Clubhouse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Well, biologically speaking, oxytocin (sp?) is released when an infant nurses and during orgasm. It is the bonding hormone; which happens most? And most pre-industrialized cultures nurse/nursed for about 2 years, to ensure proper nutrition, although by 2 years, nursing is down to 1x or 2x/day.
> 
> I think this facilitates the ability of a woman to find different mates for each of her kids--it's natures way of making the male lose interest (b/c the female neglects him for the baby), so he moves on. When she is interested in breeding again, she finds a new male--which means, her offspring have genetic diversity, which is a much better guarantee that her DNA will get passed on.
> 
> Of course, humans can socially contruct arrangements, such as marriage, that go against biology. Just decide what's more important to you--being a mom or being a wife. And I beg to differ about kids not being there; only if you totally and hugely screw up. There are way more divorced couples than alienated children. Just sayin'  (I know someone hates that phrase, so I had to thow it in just as a tease. Sorry!)


On a forum called Talk About Marriage that’s all about, well marriage, that’s got to be a joke.

But if not a joke then surely such women using men just as sperm donors and wage packets have no place on such a forum.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I wonder how many wives actually put their husbands before their children?
> 
> Would make a great survey topic in both the Ladies Lounge and Men's Clubhouse.


But what does that even mean, in practical terms? If there's a scarcity of food, do you feed your husband first? If your children need clothes, or glasses, or medical care, or specific treatments for speech delay, physical therapy or autism, but your husband wants to go out for dinner or use the money for cars, travel, clothes etc, who comes first?

Or if you just mean emotionally, well, that's not really a choice. You love your children automatically and the amount isn't really under logical control. And lots of people find it more rewarding and easier to love a child than an adult. 

My perspective is still very much from within the trenches of mothering very young children, both of whom have pretty significant needs in terms of my attention and time. as time goes on, we get more time for each other and ourselves, the trick is to stay connected during those early years and also accepting that things have changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> There are way more divorced couples than alienated children. Just sayin'


Wait, what? More divorced adults than alienated children? Seriously? No offense, but I'm going to have to see some stats or a reference or something, because that sounds way, WAY off.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wifey32 said:


> Ladies, I'm expecting my first child (3 months pregnant) and I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this? If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1? or how many of you think it is mom first, then wife?
> And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?


Your mom is a wise woman.

What a tremendous gift it is to children to have parents who are examples of a loving marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What children need most from their parents is to grow up in a joyful family....with evidence of much love flowing from the Father to the Mother ....and from the Mother to the Father, this gives children a sense of what the world is meant to be...and much hope for their own future happiness in this thing called marraige....and Parenting.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This^


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Selfishly speaking I put me first, then the husband, then the kids.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*Obviously!*



Lyris said:


> But what does that even mean, in practical terms? If there's a scarcity of food, do you feed your husband first? If your children need clothes, or glasses, or medical care, or specific treatments for speech delay, physical therapy or autism, but your husband wants to go out for dinner or use the money for cars, travel, clothes etc, who comes first?
> Obviously the children would come first in the extreme examples you just gave! No sane person would say that cars and travel come before medical care for kids.
> 
> What I am speaking of is wives who *always *make their husband the last priority. Being a wife and mother is a balancing act; I often read posts by husbands who are treated as just a wallet to provide for a family. The mothers in this case *only *focus on their children, which not fair to the husband at all.
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *FirstYearDown said*: Being a wife and mother is a balancing act;


 It IS a balancing act... in the past I got it wrong, seemed to LIVE for our kids (I feel much of this enthusiam was due to not being able to conceive for yrs on end though - the were like these angelic answers to my prayers so I went a little overboard!).....when you put too much emphasis on one part of your life, another may suffer.. 

If your husband makes any mention to this....LISTEN.. Mine didn't. He was thrilled to be a dad too, but still we got lost in parenting. 

NOW, I tend to say "the heck with the kids...go fend for yourselves, I want to be with dad !!" - wanting to slip away like that old classic tune I Think We`re Alone Now  ....but instead of getting away from Parents, we're trying to get away from the kids !! 

I asked my daughter one day...if she was jealous of all the time I spend with Dad, she said "sometimes" but yet, she especially loves spending time with both of us playing a game, going out to eat, getting ice cream, she just radiates...We make sure they get time alone with each too......sometimes he'll go off & watch a movie with them, helps with their homework (has more patience than me), the boys working on projects, we all go fishing , swimming, biking, family vacations, etc. 

Then when he is working I have some time with her too, taking walks, a little baking, swinging on the swings... they need time, but not all of our time by any means. 

One thing I give my kids that they treasure is... our house is near always open for their freinds ....this takes the pressure off of parents many times (as they get a little older anyhow)...so long as the friends behave, they can half live at our house, I'm pretty lenient. I enjoy hearing the laughter in the yard, in the house with their friends, probably beats hanging with me anyway! And I feel they are living a full childhood -with many good memories. Not lonely & bored or being neglected by any means.


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## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

I Love my Wife and My Kids Very much. Kids are almost grown now, but still at home. Growing up I always had Friends that I considered my Best friend, but in every case they always had some one else that they prefered above me. After I met my wife We were always best Friends before the kids arrived, couple years ago I told my wife That I feel like I have lost my Best Friend. But ther are times when She puts them before me. It's tough, but I understand. She has told me she understands my feelings, and has promises that we will be best friends again. I hope she can keep her promise when Grandkids arrive.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't think there is too much that I can add to this thread as it seems that most of it has been said. OP, you have gotten some pretty good advice here (mostly). Wife first, mom second.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

These women that put their husbands near the top of the list. Are they from earth? I was put way down the list after the birth of our first child. And it has not changed at all. I just thought that's the way it was after you had kids. Here is her list.

From one to ten - the kids.
Ten to twenty - herself. 
Twenty to 100 - other stuff.

When all the "other stuff" is taken care of ( which it never is ) maybe there's time for us. 

Geez and I thought I was being a "high maintenance husband" asking for a little together time now and again. 

Thanks for the refreshing perspective in this forum.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

yes im from earth, and like most first time moms, i had baby lust, but my husband snapped me out of it. 

no matter what i did or said, he wouldnt let me spend all my time with the baby.

he was always with me, and would take our daughter out of my arms, and feed her, changed her, his way. he told me, i can do any routine i like, and he will do things his way.

around 6 months maybe, our life went back to normal. our nights were ours again. years later we had more kids, but it was always about us.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My philosophy is to try for a win win, wherever possible. So everyone gets their needs met as much of the time as is possible. 

So right now, as an example, my kids need me to put them to bed and the little one needs to sleep with me for the part of the night. I need time with my husband, we need to be together to talk and have sex. So, I put the girls to bed, then my husband and I have a couple of hours to talk and watch tv, or play a game together, then we go to bed and sleep part of the night together. When my little one wakes up, I get into bed with her for the rest of the night

So it's a compromise. As they grow and stay up later, things will have to shift. 

My last post was trying to get at how things are done, it's easy to say 'put your husband first, put the marriage first,' but what does that really mean? The reality of children is that they are these new people that you love enormously, and that can change the balance for a lot of people. It does no good to just remember that without two people in love having sex, they wouldn't exist. 

Children change the emotional landscape of a marriage. It's not exclusive anymore. You have to share the top spot, whereas before children, you were the one and only.

And of course it is a different love, but it is equally as intense. So even if you do all the right things, date nights, keeping sex alive etc etc, things change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I found a good balance.

No one, not even myself, feels neglected.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> These women that put their husbands near the top of the list. Are they from earth? I was put way down the list after the birth of our first child. And it has not changed at all. I just thought that's the way it was after you had kids. Here is her list.
> 
> From one to ten - the kids.
> Ten to twenty - herself.
> ...


Among my male friends of similar age (mid 40s), there are a lot of men whose priority number from a single digit to triple digits on their wives lists. As part of the process of making hubby nearly irrelevant except for providing labor and money while mommy wraps herself in the cloak of 'greatest mother ever', she usually loses respect for her husband as she demands more and more beta behaviors. This reinforces her loss of desire for him and her eventual self-justification for finding attraction in someone else.

For too many men that I know, that scenario is spot on. And followed by the devastation of the anti-male bias in courts and family law. Though the blame can focused on the point at which someone decided to go outside the marriage (and to be fair, a smaller fraction of the men I know in this group were the ones who cheated, and a couple did the stay faithful but divorce as soon as kids grown route), I think it started much, much earlier - often when child #1 arrived and the un-discussed change in priorities happened. 

So yes, the conscious decision to be wife first or mom first can play a role in determining long term outcome of a marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

riddle me this... should your husband be a father first or a husband first!

alot of times if I reverse the situation I can make more sence of it.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

As a man i have no problems if my partner puts my child as #1. Hell, i put my child as #1 too. We both do. I don't feel it robs us of anything. 

I certainly don't feel like i need more of her. And i trust she will tell me if she needs more of me.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

When I was married, I was wife first, mother second. My belief was the same that is said here, you have to put your marriage first if you want everyone to be happy, and to show your children how to live in and eventually have happy, functional relationships. I think there is a way to juggle that your spouses needs come before your children's wants and your children's needs come before your partners wants. It's give and take, not give, give, give and take, take, take.

Just my opinion.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Panda my story was similar except I crashed and burned at the 3 month mark from trying to do it all my own (husband was working nights/I was on days). Went back to therapy and she fussed at me for doing too much and not making my husband a bigger part of babycare. We divided duties, I learned to let go and eventually figured this out.

It was hard though. We used to make lunch dates to discuss problems that arose from having babies/toddlers to make sure we were on the same page. It helped.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I appreciate and believe that the respondents are telling the truth of their marriage. But unfortunately ... based upon my experience and of virtually all of the marriages I am familiar with, this is not the case.

This reminds me of the old classroom scenario of where everyone gets the practice question right, but when it's on the test they fail.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I seem to be the only one who disagrees. A spouse can always be your ex but you can never say your ex child. I don't have kids but I'd put them before my husband and I expect the same from him. Doesn't mean I'd be neglecting him. That's absurd.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I appreciate and believe that the respondents are telling the truth of their marriage. But unfortunately ... based upon my experience and of virtually all of the marriages I am familiar with, this is not the case.
> 
> This reminds me of the old classroom scenario of where everyone gets the practice question right, but when it's on the test they fail.


That's what I'm trying to get at, *how* do you put your marriage first? How are husbands or wives deprioritised? It's no good talking in generalities, you need specifics. 

Anyway, my aim is neither first all the time. And I like the distinction of children's needs before husbands wants, and vice versa, but again, how do you define needs? Wants? Maybe it's okay for one or the other to come first for several months, depending on the circumstances. And children's needs are generally more immediate and absolute, so adults an wait for longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Lyris said:


> My philosophy is to try for a win win, wherever possible. So everyone gets their needs met as much of the time as is possible.
> 
> So right now, as an example, my kids need me to put them to bed and the little one needs to sleep with me for the part of the night. I need time with my husband, we need to be together to talk and have sex. So, I put the girls to bed, then my husband and I have a couple of hours to talk and watch tv, or play a game together, then we go to bed and sleep part of the night together. When my little one wakes up, I get into bed with her for the rest of the night
> 
> ...


I think it's great that you make time for your husband. At least you are not completely ignoring him as if he does not matter. There is a huge difference between _prioritizing_ children and making them _the only important aspect of your life_. I believe that members posting in this thread were cautioning against putting your spouse at the bottom of the list. Adults can wait for longer, but they should not have to wait until the kids are grown. Hope that makes sense.

I can't imagine putting my husband last for several months. Maybe that is one reason I would not make a good mother-I want to put my husband first at all times. This is impossible for someone who has children to take care of. 

I know a hot mama that has two children, one being a toddler. When those kids go to bed, she is a wife who enjoys frequent sex with her husband. She is someone who I admire for the way she is not solely defined by motherhood. She is a mom, but she is also her husband's lover. 

I certainly agree that children change a marriage, no matter how hard a couple tries to keep the romance alive. That is why I have much respect for those who choose to have children-it is an all consuming and permanent life change.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Love is both a feeling and a verb, well loads of verbs! We convey and demonstrate the love we feel by the things we do. If a wife stops doing things for her husband that demonstrate her love for him because children have come into the picture, well then he is going to feel unloved.

My wife never stopped doing the things she did to convey and demonstrate her love for me when our sons came into the picture. So I always felt loved by her and never once like I was missing out on something. She was indeed a dedicated, responsible wife and mother who was never afraid of “work”, never a slacker. In fact she absolutely thrived on it, it energised her and made her feel good about herself, which to my mind is as things should be.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Anubis said:


> Among my male friends of similar age (mid 40s), there are a lot of men whose priority number from a single digit to triple digits on their wives lists. As part of the process of making hubby nearly irrelevant except for providing labor and money while mommy wraps herself in the cloak of 'greatest mother ever', she usually loses respect for her husband as she demands more and more beta behaviors. This reinforces her loss of desire for him and her eventual self-justification for finding attraction in someone else.
> 
> For too many men that I know, that scenario is spot on. And followed by the devastation of the anti-male bias in courts and family law. Though the blame can focused on the point at which someone decided to go outside the marriage (and to be fair, a smaller fraction of the men I know in this group were the ones who cheated, and a couple did the stay faithful but divorce as soon as kids grown route), I think it started much, much earlier - often when child #1 arrived and the un-discussed change in priorities happened.
> 
> So yes, the conscious decision to be wife first or mom first can play a role in determining long term outcome of a marriage.


The insight on these forums is astounding. That is exactly it. "greatest mother ever". labour and money. un-discussed change in priorities. Although i did mention it, it was always, "the kids are only young for so long" to which i would reply that we are too. No effect there. Not sure if she's stepped outside the marriage. Have not been paying to much attention to that really. loss of desire for sure. I would not cheat, just not built that way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Anubis,
I believe that the way this works is: You are responsible for how you let other people treat you. Full stop. 

The number of men who agree to a second, third, etc. child when they have already been de-prioritized - is staggering. Actually I don't even grasp the concept of waiting until the suggestion of child two comes up. 

By 3 months life should be largely returning to normal. That doesn't mean the baby doesn't come first. That means that after 3 months, the issue - isn't the baby - its the marriage itself. 

Thats when the (at first) encouraging conversation happens where you say: Adding the baby means that for a while, certain activities, people, etc. need to be deprioritized in order for our MARRIAGE to remain strong. And I don't care what those are, as long as I know that I am number two, and when the baby is sleeping number 1. 

If that conversation goes badly, and then a second, and a third in short order, then you have the "one child" conversation. 

It doesn't seem our marriage is strong enough to have more than one child - I am hoping it is strong enough to survive having the one child we have already created. 

And then shut up. And refuse to discuss it. Go back to doing your normal routine. By round 3 - and having to make that type statement - you have already proved you are "talking" too much. 






Anubis said:


> Among my male friends of similar age (mid 40s), there are a lot of men whose priority number from a single digit to triple digits on their wives lists. As part of the process of making hubby nearly irrelevant except for providing labor and money while mommy wraps herself in the cloak of 'greatest mother ever', she usually loses respect for her husband as she demands more and more beta behaviors. This reinforces her loss of desire for him and her eventual self-justification for finding attraction in someone else.
> 
> For too many men that I know, that scenario is spot on. And followed by the devastation of the anti-male bias in courts and family law. Though the blame can focused on the point at which someone decided to go outside the marriage (and to be fair, a smaller fraction of the men I know in this group were the ones who cheated, and a couple did the stay faithful but divorce as soon as kids grown route), I think it started much, much earlier - often when child #1 arrived and the un-discussed change in priorities happened.
> 
> So yes, the conscious decision to be wife first or mom first can play a role in determining long term outcome of a marriage.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Unfortunately, many women get married *only *to become a mother. I don't understand that POV at all. 

My parents had four children. I vividly remember a trip they took to the Bahamas for two weeks way back in the eighties. I asked them if I could come along and my mother scooped me up, gave me a kiss and said "No, you can't come baby. Mommy and Daddy need time alone." Damn straight! :smthumbup:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

wifey32 said:


> Ladies, I'm expecting my first child (3 months pregnant) and I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this? If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1? or how many of you think it is mom first, then wife?
> And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?


Congratulations on the baby! :smthumbup:

So, obviously, when you become a mother there's a lot of time and effort involved - especially in the early months and years.

But, I have found that I wasn't as good of a mother without the support of my dear husband, and that it was important that he also have the same support in return.

We as women often have to juggle many roles in our lives - wives, mothers, daughters, friends, employee/boss - and they take up various amounts of time.

But the point is to never forget that you are a wife - never forget that you have your wonderful husband there. It's really easy as a woman who is going 100 directions at once - who is a mom scurrying around, whose hormones are up and down and all over, whose kids are pulling her in different directions all the time, who is tired or stressed - to start to forget about her dear husband.

My husband is my rock, a source of strength and calm, in amongst all of the chaos. I cherish that. When I dwell upon that, it permeates everything about my daily life...reminding me that yes, I am a wife first, and I wouldn't be a mother without HIM. 

Best wishes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not a lady but I agree with your mom too!

Too bad my wife doesn't!


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I think that you put both first depending on the situation. There are times that your husband will need you and there are times that your child will need you. It is a balancing act, but I have found that it just sort of comes naturally most times. One tip though is to make sure that you always make time for just one on one time with your husband, have a date night or some other plan for just the two of you.


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## TCamp (Jul 16, 2012)

wifey32 said:


> Ladies, I'm expecting my first child (3 months pregnant) and I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this? If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1? or how many of you think it is mom first, then wife?
> And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?


Please read Dr.Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband and The Proper care and Feeding of A Marriage and get The Five Love Languages. I think this will help. The husband book for you and the others for you both.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

wife if its a true consummate love


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Wife first, no doubt. Otherwise you'll end up like me. The day my first was born my wife changed. She threw me under the bus. I'll probably be filing very soon.


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