# Disbelief



## nordic (Dec 2, 2012)

Hi, 

I need some help to put it bluntly. Quick background. Been married for 20 years, two great kids in early teens. Found out 4 months ago my wife had an emotional and sexual affair with a married cowardly male (who hasn't told his wife) for 9 months. She begged me to try marriage counseling. We spent the last 4 months and roughly $6,000 on marriage counseling and have finally settled on divorce. Throughout the 4 months she continued her affair off and on with lots of lies and deceit. At one point I even agreed she could see him because she was constantly crying about how much she missed him. I think she used the phrase "not seeing him was like having her arm cut off". Either way I finally gave up and told her I am divorcing her. We have agreed on a date and she has rented a nice place to live not far from where I live and where the kids' school is. All good. Until she moves out and we inform the kids I asked her if she could out of respect hold off on her affair until she has moved into her new place. She agreed. Anyhow, she already got the keys to her new place and yesterday I drove by her new place and lo and behold her car and her lovers car was there. She had not answered her cell phone for 2 hours and our kids were with our housekeeper at home. So here we are. I, the only one working, have rented her a place where she can live, we have a housekeeper who is here when the kids come home from school, and she takes the opportunity to sneak out, turn off her cell phone, and have sex with this affair guy in her new place. Well, i call her up and she admits she is at her new place and as I drive up the guy comes running out of her townhouse. Bad scene. I confront her and she says "I really don't need to be lectured to". I left it at that. 

Anyhow, I am angry, frustrated and pissed. It is as if this woman I have known and loved for 20 years, who I have two wonderful kids with, is all of a sudden a completely different person. Unrecognizable, insensitive, ice-queen. She is on anti-depressant medication and it seems to make her completely cold to anything but her own horny longings for this guy.

I want to respect her and raise our great kids together even though we will be divorced but her complete lack of empathy is mind boggling and drives me away. It seems like I am dealing with a crack addict who can't control herself. 

Thoughts?


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Tell his wife. I am sure you glad to have her out but your paying for place for them to go and have sex. She will continue to use the housekeeper as a baby sitter while she goes and screws him.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

nordic said:


> Hi,
> 
> It seems like I am dealing with a crack addict who can't control herself.
> 
> Thoughts?


You are....

Expose the affair. She couldn't keep her word... you don't need to, either. Get the OMW on the phone ASAP and give her ALL the dirt. period. Worst mistake I ever made was delaying that one thing. Just do it.


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

oh and i am sorry. My prayers are with you.


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> You are....
> 
> Expose the affair. She couldn't keep her word... you don't need to, either. Get the OMW on the phone ASAP and give her ALL the dirt. period. Worst mistake I ever made was delaying that one thing. Just do it.


:iagree:
Agreed get it over with. It has to be done. She is out of the house, now is the time to do it and get it over with.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Nordic

Great way to placate a cheater.

Wait till the cowardly d!ckhead dumps her and she wants to come home and be your wife again once the high wears off.

Stop paying for her place. Have your attorney get the D done.

Notify his wife of the Affair.

And let her side of the family know why she has lost her mind and her marriage!!!

And no it is not a midlife crisis.

Your wife has become a selfish woman who has no respect for you or your children.

HM64

PS
You should have walked in and taught them both a lesson. Especially with children involved.


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## Slick1044 (Dec 2, 2012)

Cheaters are insensitive and cruel with their words. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You may never understand why she is acting like this. I know it is really hard and I feel your pain and anger. Just be there for your children. 

My Prayers for you and you children.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You can not trust her about anything. Yes, consider an addict if that helps you predict what she will do next. 

Forget the "How could she?" business. 

She did.

And she will again!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sad.

I think you caught her only this time.

It is a good riddance for you to D her.

Move on, it hurts to be in your place. You will be better than now in the months to come. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why haven't you told this guys wife, mother father and brother?

Why haven't you told HR at their work

And why are you nicely renting her a place do she can have sex with the OM?

In short why haven't you gone nuclear on this woman who has thrown you right under the where's of the bus?

Also remember to sue her and the OM for the 6000 you wasted on MC.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are enabling her sex fest with OM by paying her rent. 
What did you expect from a cheater by giving them a place to stay on your money?
Did you exposed them to OMW and friends? Else do it.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> You are enabling her sex fest with OM by paying her rent.
> What did you expect from a cheater by giving them a place to stay on your money?
> Did you exposed them to OMW and friends? Else do it.


This!

WTF am I reading OP!?

In the name of all the Gods below, wut the hell do you think you are doing!

The thought that a Man could rent a flat for his wife to fcuk her OM in is actually giving me vertigo.

FFS, if it were me, the OM would disappear through a tree shredder feet first if I could lay my hands on him.

Where the hell is your sense of outrage? You have been WRONGED!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

You are dealing with an addict. 

Sorry, but she has made her choice. She cannot live without him, and she is choosing to live without you.

Since you are divorcing her, she has to stand on her own two feet. She is using you, and potentially destroying her lover's marriage as well.

I would cut off the dollars and let her fend for herself. Taking your money for rent and then telling you "I don't need a lecture" while she wrongs you is the behaviour of an entitled teenager.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

nordic said:


> Hi,
> 
> I need some help to put it bluntly. Quick background. Been married for 20 years, two great kids in early teens. Found out 4 months ago my wife had an emotional and sexual affair with a married cowardly male (who hasn't told his wife) for 9 months. She begged me to try marriage counseling. We spent the last 4 months and roughly $6,000 on marriage counseling and have finally settled on divorce. Throughout the 4 months she continued her affair off and on with lots of lies and deceit. At one point I even agreed she could see him because she was constantly crying about how much she missed him. I think she used the phrase "not seeing him was like having her arm cut off". Either way I finally gave up and told her I am divorcing her. We have agreed on a date and she has rented a nice place to live not far from where I live and where the kids' school is. All good. Until she moves out and we inform the kids I asked her if she could out of respect hold off on her affair until she has moved into her new place. She agreed. Anyhow, she already got the keys to her new place and yesterday I drove by her new place and lo and behold her car and her lovers car was there. She had not answered her cell phone for 2 hours and our kids were with our housekeeper at home. So here we are. I, the only one working, have rented her a place where she can live, we have a housekeeper who is here when the kids come home from school, and she takes the opportunity to sneak out, turn off her cell phone, and have sex with this affair guy in her new place. Well, i call her up and she admits she is at her new place and as I drive up the guy comes running out of her townhouse. Bad scene. I confront her and she says "I really don't need to be lectured to". I left it at that.
> 
> ...


Why would you want to have any respect for this woman?

Expose! Stop being so passive!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Find your anger. she is treating you like a doormat because you are acting like one.

Also, stop paying for her affair. that is the only reason she is still acting nice..

Stop paying for the house. let her stay with her parents..or friends..

this woman is no longer your friend. She i


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why haven't you told this guys wife, mother father and brother?
> 
> Why haven't you told HR at their work
> 
> ...


Um, he IS getting a divorce.

He IS the sole breadwinner so part of his maintanence is probably paying for her own flat.

But i agree with the exposure.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Dear OP,

You are getting divorced. She no longer needs your input in her life nor wants it. You essentially told her to 'drop dead' (in her mind. She glosses over the whole 'porking the neighbor' thing)

So you no longer get a say in who she sees or what she does.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Why are you paying her rent ???????
She has found a new man. Let him support her.

(forehead slap)


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

You paying for her place is not a loss - you may have to pay her a big chunk of cash as part of the divorce, so technically this counts towards that, but there is no need for you to play nice and enable the affair - you can refuse to do any payments till the courts decide.

If you are being nice in the hopes that the D will be better, forget it, once push comes to shove its usually everyone for themselves. No matter how nice you are, she will try to take you for as much as she can.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

nordic said:


> Hi,
> 
> I need some help to put it bluntly. Quick background. Been married for 20 years, two great kids in early teens. Found out 4 months ago my wife had an emotional and sexual affair with a married cowardly male (who hasn't told his wife) for 9 months. She begged me to try marriage counseling. We spent the last 4 months and roughly $6,000 on marriage counseling and have finally settled on divorce. Throughout the 4 months she continued her affair off and on with lots of lies and deceit. At one point I even agreed she could see him because she was constantly crying about how much she missed him. I think she used the phrase "not seeing him was like having her arm cut off". Either way I finally gave up and told her I am divorcing her. We have agreed on a date and she has rented a nice place to live not far from where I live and where the kids' school is. All good. Until she moves out and we inform the kids I asked her if she could out of respect hold off on her affair until she has moved into her new place. She agreed. Anyhow, she already got the keys to her new place and yesterday I drove by her new place and lo and behold her car and her lovers car was there. She had not answered her cell phone for 2 hours and our kids were with our housekeeper at home. So here we are. I, the only one working, have rented her a place where she can live, we have a housekeeper who is here when the kids come home from school, and she takes the opportunity to sneak out, turn off her cell phone, and have sex with this affair guy in her new place. Well, i call her up and she admits she is at her new place and as I drive up the guy comes running out of her townhouse. Bad scene. I confront her and she says "I really don't need to be lectured to". I left it at that.
> 
> ...


Unfortuntely, you sound like a crack addict who can't control himself either.

Let me guess, you haven't told his wife?


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

Your suffering and pain is real. It is hard and you still love her, that much is obvious. It is easy to see that is why you are being a doormat. You do have to stop, just like everyone says. This part of this truama, and that is what it is, is tough. You are playing games in your own head, and she is being selfish and so stupid. 
The best advice has already been given. Continue with divorce, cut off contact other than what is necessary for kids. Do things that make you feel good. Work on you and spend quality time with your kids, focus on them, they are suffering too. Reignite your spirituality, if applicable. Get counseling for yourself. 
You have to move on. Stop enableing her, let her stand on her own, if you legally can. 
You may find that she comes around, you may find you are fine being a single dad. It is hard to say, but you cannot let what she is doing torture you anymore than it already has. 
This advice is hard to follow in reality, but accept that you only have control over you and what you will tolerate.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Another Neville Chamberlain.

These poor BH just appease their WW to putting out for the OM and themselves into divorce.

You must tell the OMW that the OM is banging your WW.

Then you must tell your WW parents, her siblings, and your kids. Also tell OM parents and siblings.

Then you cut and past all of OM and WW FB contacts before they block you and then expose everyone on those lists.

Cut off all of WW money. You never support a WW affair. You never help WW set up a love nest no a bang nest for the OM do her on your dime.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you talked to a good lawyer? Don't make any move except with the prior advice of an attorney. Anything you do will be seen as an agreement on how you want things structured, such as paying for her apartment.

I would cancel the apartment immediately. I would talk to an attorney and get started on a D in the fastest possible way. I would document her affair as much as possible in accordance with your attorney's advice on how it might impact your divorce settlement. And I would document the affair as much as possible for the purpose of eventual exposure at least to OM's wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

JCD said:


> Um, he IS getting a divorce.
> 
> He IS the sole breadwinner so part of his maintanence is probably paying for her own flat.
> 
> But i agree with the exposure.


He's sort of getting divorced, clearly his heart is not in it, and he's be living essentially as a cuckold for these many months. And she's breaking the terms of their agreements - when makes them completely null and void.

The thing doormat behavior is that doormats find logical reasons to behave illogically and that is the case here. She's got him being a doormat and has him twisted around thinking he's doing the right thing, mean while she's played him and is continuing to use him.

Time to change the game up and stop her happy cheating life


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you make it any more easier for her...geeze man, I get your hurting but you keep setting your self up for more pain.

Cut this addict off and quit being an enabler.

I would have to guess your kids have recked there share of cars and you keep buying them another one.

I mean your old lady screws around on you and then you rent her a love shack to continue.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT!!!!!!!!!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Don't get emotional. I think you wanted to get her back with the divorce threat. That didn't happen. Good for you.

What advice would you give to your friend or brother in this situation? List those steps, and follow them mechanically. 

Again, don't be emotional. That will prolong the process and your grief.

My best wishes to you. New, bright future and companionship might be awaiting you.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

nordic said:


> Unrecognizable, insensitive, ice-queen. She is on anti-depressant medication and it seems to make her completely cold to anything but her own horny longings for this guy.



Nordic, when did she start the antidepressants, and what exactly is she taking?

T


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

nordic said:


> I want to respect her and raise our great kids together even though we will be divorced but her complete lack of empathy is mind boggling and drives me away. It seems like I am dealing with a crack addict who can't control herself.
> 
> Thoughts?


This is on you. She is acting perfectly consistantly. She will do anything for him, and you don't matter. You talk to her about the issue, she makes a promise than breaks it. Your problem is that you continue this cycle yet expect a different result.

You can't control her, so don't try. Don't try to be her friend, or pretend that you respect her, and believe that she is the same woman. Treat her like the co-worker you can't stand but have to interact with. Also just assume she will continue to act as if you don't matter (because it is pretty clear that you don't) The sooner you do that the better you will feel.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You're getting divorced and you're the only one working. She's out of the house, she's got an apartment that you're paying for. That much I got. 

If you're getting divorced why are you confronting her? Why are you talking to her about anything not directly relating to ending the marriage?

The rent you're paying for her is like spousal support, only there's no end to it and the clock doesn't start ticking until you file for divorce.

So get it done. The sooner the better.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow, finally found a post that is almost the same thing I went through. You can look at my thread and see 140 pages of being a pu$$y and seeing where it got me anyway. *EXPOSE!*

I did wind up paying $1500 for my wife to have her little F pad. What a mistake that was. I wanted her back and unfortunately still do. I always will, I think. *EXPOSE!*

Anyway, my wife is acting completely out of character. Something snapped inside of her and she has magically transformed into the most wonderful lying cheat this side of the Rio Grande. Even after I caught her, and she agreed to reconciliation, she went back for more. *EXPOSE!*

*THE ONLY THING THAT KILLED HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS EXPOSURE.* I wish I had done that the first time I found out, told everyone, because maybe I would have my wife back now, probably not, but it would have been more possible if I had exposed in one fail swoop so it didn't look like I was trickle exposing just to be a douche. *EXPOSE!*

*EXPOSE IT TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!* All of her friends, family, coworkers, HR, his wife, where he works, expose him, expose her, to anyone that will listen. If it stops and you think you can deal with her sh!t after, fine. If not, you will be going the same path as me, divorcing that lying cheating b!tch. Can you tell that I am bitter? Damn right I am. I am losing over $250,000 dollars because we have to sell our house because of this stupid b!tch. *EXPOSE!*

And best of all, she doesn't give a sh!t that we will be breaking up our home and our kids. She has truly become the most selfish individual I have even known. This is the woman whom I just spent the past 10 years with. *EXPOSE!, then dump her.*


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Carlton said:


> Wow, finally found a post that is almost the same thing I went through. You can look at my thread and see 140 pages of being a pu$$y and seeing where it got me anyway. *EXPOSE!*
> 
> I did wind up paying $1500 for my wife to have her little F pad. What a mistake that was. I wanted her back and unfortunately still do. I always will, I think. *EXPOSE!*
> 
> ...


It's not clear from your post, so could you elaborate?

Do you think exposing the affair is a good idea?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Carlton said:


> Wow, finally found a post that is almost the same thing I went through. You can look at my thread and see 140 pages of being a pu$$y and seeing where it got me anyway. *EXPOSE!*
> 
> I did wind up paying $1500 for my wife to have her little F pad. What a mistake that was. I wanted her back and unfortunately still do. I always will, I think. *EXPOSE!*
> 
> ...


I am not saying a God Damn thing...


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> I am not saying a God Damn thing...


**Small thread hijack**

Hey, I got there didn't I?

**hijack over**

See, I am a legend about being a PU$$Y on these boards. I gave my wife too many chances. I needed to be sure, but all along I knew, and wound up in the same place only three months later. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID.

Read the newbie thread and crush her, him, and the affair in one fail swoop. Then, file for divorce. For extra points, and added effect, do it all on the same day if you can. The people on these boards have lived this, including me. We know what we are talking about.

Your marriage is over, dude. It's on life support (your emotional support, not hers.)

If you want to kill it and divorce, pull the plug.
If you want to save it and reconcile, pull the plug.
*DIVORCE IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE EITHER WAY, MAN UP.* 

Get the ball rolling on it so you can end it sooner or she can snap the fvck out of it and come back. Do not warn her of this, just do it.

Do not do this at your own peril.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

He already IS getting a divorce. He was already 'soft' for 3 months.

She is getting a new place because they are seperating. His problem isnt that he isn't going to divorce her; it is that they had an agreement she wouldn't be hiding the pork sausage until she was 'in her new place'.

Well....she HAS her new place. HE meant 'totally moved where you need to coordinate your infidelities with the kids providing all kinds of c0ckblock' 

SHE took it to mean "as soon as I have the keys to a place where I can get 2 hours of privacy, I'm getting it ON'.

So it's a difference of opinion that is, while emotionally wracking, not important in the grand scheme of things. It IS disrespectful and as many people have noted, it is naive to think that a person who would break their Vows made in front of God and Man will suddenly keep their word to a person who is divorcing them.

Expose. She broke her word. You need to KEEP yours.


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## nordic (Dec 2, 2012)

That was quite a bit of advise/opinion.

Let's clarify a few things:

1) We are getting divorced. Decided on mediation to save some $$$, time and heartache. Well underway. Generally speaking thinking that will work out. Marriage for 20 years (most of my adult life) generally means 50/50 split of everything in my state regardless of who did what **** to whom. Also, I will pay spousal support. THE END.

2) MY heart is in it. I asked for the divorce. She agreed. It was not a threat. I had threatened before and she called my bluff, I was a p**sy. This time I was serious and relieved she agreed that was the best way to proceed.

3) I do get emotional about it. It fluctuates between pissed and sad. Pissed because she sneaks away to see this guy while I am (or our nanny) is watching the kids. She shows no remorse nor does she seem to think it is wrong. Sad because I lost what I thought was my life partner (this is becoming less frequent the more her actions show how self centered she is). Sometimes excited about the future, more so every day. Thinking it will be even easier in two weeks once she's out of the house.

4) I do have fantasies of exposing the other married guy but hard pressed to see that leading to anything more than some short term gratification. Indeed I think she deserves the *******. He is a looser and I can't believe she doesn't see it, but perhaps that is what romantic love is all about. Thinking I will take the high road. 

5) Also not particularly fond of telling family/kids since I want the kids to have a relationship with their mother. Also, my thinking is that my ex-wife and I having a somewhat cordial relationship will benefit the kids. Once she's out I don't care who she ****s as long as she's a responsible co-parent.

Still thinking that at least exposing the other guy to his wife may be gratifying. Watch him get kicked out could be quite entertaining. Any downside?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

nordic said:


> Still thinking that at least exposing the other guy to his wife may be gratifying. Watch him get kicked out could be quite entertaining. Any downside?


If you do that she'll get pissed off and it might throw a wrench in the mediation as well as disrupt any possibility of civility and effective coparenting going forward.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. You can either follow the path you're on right now or you can do the wise thing of taking the advice you're being given. There are hundreds of guys like you on the forum and most of them tried to do their own thing only to find out that they were prolonging their agony. Carlton is the best example. Do what these guys say and you'll have a better time dealing with the divorce and your stbxw.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

nordic said:


> Still thinking that at least exposing the other guy to his wife may be gratifying. Watch him get kicked out could be quite entertaining. Any downside?


Yeah there's one downside. Your stbxw is going to do a volte-face and come right back to you feigning love and playing the part of a good wife. Its up to you to realize that she's just pulling the wool over your eyes. Don't settle for being Plan B. You deserve better because you're an attractive male while she's a POS.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thor said:


> Anything you do will be seen as an agreement on how you want things structured, such as paying for her apartment.
> 
> I would cancel the apartment immediately. I would talk to an attorney and get started on a D in the fastest possible way. .


:iagree:


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Thor said:


> Anything you do will be seen as an agreement on how you want things structured, such as paying for her apartment.
> 
> I would cancel the apartment immediately. I would talk to an attorney and get started on a D in the fastest possible way. I would document her affair as much as possible in accordance with your attorney's advice on how it might impact your divorce settlement. And I would document the affair as much as possible for the purpose of eventual exposure at least to OM's wife.


Although you're correct that him paying for the apartment might be construed by the court as a sort of "implicit agreement" the rest of your advice is without merit.

He's the primary breadwinner, the marriage is of long duration, he WILL be found responsible for spousal maintenance. So what he got her an apartment and he's paying for it? He's going to be responsible for paying for her to live somewhere anyway and by him doing it now, she's out of his hair, and they're working together in mediation and probably saving 10s of thousands if not 100s of thousands in legal fees.

If he were to take your advice and cancel the apartment from under her, she'll lawyer up and things will get ugly and expensive and he'll STILL end up paying for her to live somewhere and probably have to pay her legal fees as well as his own increased litigation costs.

Documenting and exposing the affair to the OMs wife in light of the fact that the divorce is ongoing and they're working through it in mediation and are on reasonably civil terms is completely pointless and counterproductive. The infidelity will not have any significant bearing on a divorce settlement especially if they settle and it does not go to trial (most divorce cases do not go to trial).


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> If you do that she'll get pissed off and it might throw a wrench in the mediation as well as disrupt any possibility of civility and effective coparenting going forward.


That may be true, but the OM wife deserves to know. Maybe OP could do it anonymously if he is concerned about retribution from his WW. Or do it through the "grapevine" 

However if it were me I think I would tell OM wife, about the A myself


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

There was a guy on Dr, Phil. he said he found out it don't pay being a nice guy. So he advocates being an a** now.

We as ppl live for higher values, but doing what has to be done, no matter the damage is what made this country great.

Nordic, it is time to play hardball.
You need to expose her and him yesterday.

If I may, why are you here if you are not looking for advice ??
You already have your plan. But if you had took the time to read some threads you know exposure is a very effective tool to breakup an affair.
Carlton thread is one you REALLY need to read.
He's a nice guy too. Do you know I can actually look someone in the eye and say " I will enjoy your misery and pain when this bite you in the a** ". Can you do that. You see, sometime you have to show your RAGE and HATE to get across your message. All she see looking at you is a weak man. Truthfully . AND I'm not saying that to hurt you. BUT too much niceness and wanting a lil peace will get you walked on.
You don't sound like money is a problem, so if you have it, use it.
PLAY DIRTY


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

mel123 said:


> the OM wife deserves to know. Maybe OP could do it anonymously if he is concerned about retribution from his WW. Or do it through the "grapevine"
> 
> However if it were me I think I would tell OM wife, about the A myself


I hear that a lot on these boards. The other betrayed spouse "needs to know", it's "morally correct to tell them", or as you put it "they deserve to know".

If it was me, I wouldn't do anything that would pose a risk to a fast and relatively inexpensive divorce, I wouldn't give a rat's ass about the other man or woman's betrayed spouse or their family, they're not my problem just like starving children in 3rd world countries or abandoned cats or dogs are not my problem either. 

Nowadays you gotta be realistic. Divorce is war, and you dont owe a freaking thing to a person you've never met, who you are only connected to because of an unfaithful relationship partner.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Sharkeey you made this comment about Thor statement;




sharkeey said:


> " the rest of your advice is without merit.


:scratchhead:

Thor also said this..... " I would talk to an attorney and get started on a D in the fastest possible way"

Do you disagree with the OP getting an ATTORNEY quickly ????


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I hear that a lot on these boards. The other betrayed spouse "needs to know", it's "morally correct to tell them", or as you put it "they deserve to know".
> 
> If it was me, I wouldn't do anything that would pose a risk to a fast and relatively inexpensive divorce, I wouldn't give a rat's ass about the other man or woman's betrayed spouse or their family, they're not my problem just like starving children in 3rd world countries or abandoned cats or dogs are not my problem either.
> 
> Nowadays you gotta be realistic. Divorce is war, and you dont owe a freaking thing to a person you've never met, who you are only connected to because of an unfaithful relationship partner.


OK I stand corrected. NOW I see your bloodthirst !!!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

mel123 said:


> Sharkeey you made this comment about Thor statement;
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Read post 37 by the Op. As far as I can tell from what he's written here, he's done his homework and he's got a very good handle on the situation. They're in mediation and proceeding towards divorce, he's well aware of what he stands to lose given the laws in his state.

If he lawyers up, so will she, mediation is out the window and they're on the way to a protracted, expensive divorce that will ultimately cost him much more in legal fees (and maybe also at final settlement) than he will spend on her crappy little apartment for whatever time period they agree to.

If he's getting a fair deal, she's out of his life, and all he's gotta do is split the assets and support her for whatever number of years they mutually agree on, then I do not think he needs to lawyer up at this time.

Those of you who say "he's a doormat who is paying for a flat for his wife to screw some other guy" are not seeing the big picture here.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I had to go back and edit the last part of my other post. What I mean is, instilling a lil fear works wonders when negotiating with someone that think you don't have a mean bone in your body.

Nordic, you are a higher moral guy, so do your thing your way. We are here to rant to.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> If you do that she'll get pissed off and it might throw a wrench in the mediation as well as disrupt any possibility of civility and effective coparenting going forward.


Yes. This is true.

You are also allowing this man's wife to continue to be disrespected and humiliated on the sly with your wife. 

If I knew your wife was doing what she was doing, would you want me to tell YOU, Nordic? Or would you relish your blissful illusionary happiness?

Let's stretch this out just a bit. Say the Loser does get emotional involved with your wife to the point that, like your wife, he's ready to leave his wife. So he grabs all his assets, steals a bunch of stuff they had together and than drops an H Bomb on her life.

Would YOU want to be that person?

You seem to be perfectly content to be seen as the monster in the marriage, i.e. 'taking the high road' and when Mom spends the next few decades poisoning the kids against what a jerk you were (behind closed doors, of course) well, that's just STELLAR. She won't do that? Really? What IS she telling them?

Is THAT healthier than knowing the truth? Not necessarily now, but later? Do you realize exactly how many road blocks the friends, in-laws etc will put up to make 'the Bad Guy' (You) not be able to have a good reputation with the kids?

And frankly, I'm a big believer that you should GET the reputation that you deserve. 

I'm not advocating a full page spread in the newspaper exposing her. I am saying that a quiet talk to the OMW AFTER mediation is complete is important and moral.

I am saying that a quiet conversation with HER parents is meaningful and gives them an idea of what situation they REALLY face. So if your wife starts shooting you the grease in front of them...well, it will take her down a peg. Make her thoughtful about exactly who knows what. She has accountability and if she tries to bring the loser into their lives...well, she has a LOT of fast talking to do to her parents as well.

Otherwise, this is inexplicable to everyone and does you no good.

Or are you a martyr? Cause you sound like you have at least a mild case of martyr complex. Just be careful of that. YOU do have needs too.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Nordic, you are a higher moral guy, so do your thing your way. We are here to rant to.


:iagree:

That's what I like about TAM , people can come here and get a wide variety of ideas and opinions when they are working through a problem...............


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> You seem to be perfectly content to be seen as the monster in the marriage, i.e. 'taking the high road' and when Mom spends the next few decades poisoning them against what a jerk you were (behind closed doors, of course) well, that's just STELLAR.


No matter what he says or does, his soon to be exwife will tell everyone that it's all his fault that she cheated and that he's a horrible person. 

So what. 

This has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not he informs the other man's wife of the affair.

NOTHING.

Yes it's up to him to make sure that the people who are important to him in his life and who will be affected, who ARE his responsibility (mainly his kids) hear his side of things, as many times and from as many different angles as he can possibly provide they have the benefit of hearing both sides of the story and they can work through it as best they can with the information they have been given. I specifically exclude his wife's parents from the list of people who are important to him in his life.

As far as OM's wife?

Sure he can talk to her about it, and he can do it now and jeopardize his divorce or he can do it when it's all over and he's got nothing to lose or he can do it NEVER because the other man's wife is not his problem and again, whether he tells her or not it's not his responsibility nor his moral, legal, or ethical obligation just because he's unfortunate enough to be married to a woman who cheated on him with this other person's husband.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> No matter what he says or does, his soon to be exwife will tell everyone that it's all his fault that she cheated and that he's a horrible person.
> 
> So what.
> 
> ...


Hmm.

I meet a woman whom I had a relationship with briefly. Before we broke up, she took my stereo, my laptop and empited my wallet. (it is these subtle signals which indicate a person is dissatisfied with you)

I go to a bar. She's in there on the dance floor with some guy who hasn't been in her life before. They do the giggly clench together thing as a couple just before they hit the sheets.

Well...I don't know him. I owe him nothing. So I should just let him get robbed because I owe him nothing. Because it might be a mildly uncomfortable scene.

At least using your logic.

I am also unclear on how exposing to the KIDS will somehow make co-parenting EASIER than exposing to her folks and letting the kids believe in Santa for a while more. If I was the wife, the LAST people I'd want to hear would be the kids.

Lastly, to your first point. Yes, she can say that. But by not exposing there is no context. There is her character assassination and him...just taking it. Good for him! He's going to Heaven! How he interacts on Earth might be a bit more uncomfortable if he lets her statements stand uncontested.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> Well...I don't know him. I owe him nothing. So I should just let him get robbed because I owe him nothing. Because it might be a mildly uncomfortable scene.


I wouldn't even remotely considering approaching some guy who I randomly ran into just because he was dancing with an ex who took some stuff from me, just because she might take stuff from him too. Just like I wouldn't go around the subway shooting potential muggers.

I'm no vigilante and I'm not going to warn potential suitors away from exgirlfriends with whom I've had bad experiences. 

Besides even if you were to approach that guy on the dance floor and say "stay away from her she ripped me off for a stero and other stuff".. think for a minute what you would think if someone came up to you and said the same thing. My first thought would be "crazy stalker exboyfriend hope he's not carrying a weapon" but hey your mileage may vary.



JCD said:


> I am also unclear on how exposing to the KIDS will somehow make co-parenting EASIER than exposing to her folks and letting the kids believe in Santa for a while more. If I was the wife, the LAST people I'd want to hear would be the kids.


Not sure what you're talking about here, but if I was the Op I'd explain to the children that mommy and daddy are splitting up because mommy found a guy she wants to be with more than daddy, so daddy has no choice but to give up on being with mommy since she no longer wants him around even though he still loves her very much.



JCD said:


> Lastly, to your first point. Yes, she can say that. But by not exposing there is no context. There is her character assassination and him...just taking it. Good for him! He's going to Heaven! How he interacts on Earth might be a bit more uncomfortable if he lets her statements stand uncontested.


Character assassination? People will hear that she cheated and they'll make up their own minds as to whether or not she's a "bad person" and if they should remain friends with her. Relatives will take her side regardless even if secretly they think she acted somewhat inappropriately. Friends will gossip and be glad it didn't happen to them. 

Sorry, I don't believe in Heaven and Hell and all that life after death and retribution for sins and other BS.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If the mediation is going smoothly I might hold off exposing the OM until the D is final. But after that I do believe it a moral thing to notify his wife so that she can know the truth of her own marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> Those of you who say "he's a doormat who is paying for a flat for his wife to screw some other guy" are not seeing the big picture here.


We didn't have the bigger picture before.

In any case he should get specific advise from an attorney on the apartment in my opinion. Mediation is fine as long as it is going well. But if it breaks down he needs to have his legal groundwork solid. The current status quo is usually what the court likes to continue, so him paying for the apartment could imply some future obligation for him to pay.

If alimony is clear cut in the law, and if mediation is going well, he should have nothing to worry about wrt the apartment.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I wouldn't even remotely considering approaching some guy who I randomly ran into just because he was dancing with an ex who took some stuff from me, just because she might take stuff from him too. Just like I wouldn't go around the subway shooting potential muggers.
> 
> I'm no vigilante and I'm not going to warn potential suitors away from exgirlfriends with whom I've had bad experiences.
> 
> ...


Just WOW!

I haven't seen a morally ambiguous tapdance like that since Richard Gere in "Chicago".

And I'm sure you'd like to ignore the obvious: In my analogy I mistakenly allowed you a loophole to avoid addressing the major issue.

Well, today is NOT your lucky day. The OP KNOWS the OM is harming and disrespecting his wife. Not "the girlfriend might not be stealing from him." Not "but you might be known as a crazy stalker". Nope! He KNOWS that an immoral act is being done to her...and you are advocating he just walk away, akin to you watching that cheating gf take money from wallet of the guy she is with. YOU see her take the money and you know her past.

Except in this case there is even LESS moral ambiguity. The Loser IS cheating on his wife. So let her drown. Okay.

Just so we're clear.

You are also not being clear on exposure.

Most folks are saying to expose to friends and family. Some like myself are also saying to do so after mediation and in a dignified way.

You SEEM to be against it...but than you talk about telling both sides to friends...children. 

So what exactly is your position?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> . Nope! He KNOWS that an immoral act is being done to her...and you are advocating he just walk away


Yes. I am clearly and unambiguously stating that he should just walk away and not tell the other man's wife, if it was me I wouldn't give a rat's ass about her or her family and I wouldn't say a word to any of them at least until well after my divorce was final, and then and only then would I possibly consider dropping the other man's wife a quick note informing her of the situation if my conscience was bothering me which it probably wouldn't be because like I said, I am not concerned with the the welfare of the other man's wife just like I'm not one to drop money in collection plates for starving children or stray dogs or cats. If I have not made myself clear, let me repeat "I don't give a rat's ass about people I don't know and I wouldn't expose the affair to anyone".



JCD said:


> .akin to you watching that cheating gf take money from wallet of the guy she is with. YOU see her take the money and you know her past.


I don't give a rat's ass about some guy who might get ripped off by an exgirlfriend who robbed me of my possessions. Hope that's clear now. 



JCD said:


> . Except in this case there is even LESS moral ambiguity. The Loser IS cheating on his wife. So let her drown. Okay.


I know it's cold and callous but again she's not my problem. I wouldn't share. I would let her drown. I wouldn't risk my life to pull a stranger from a burning car wreck. No difference. 



JCD said:


> You SEEM to be against it...but than you talk about telling both sides to friends...children.
> 
> So what exactly is your position?


Ok I can see where that might be ambiguous. I didn't realize that explaining that "daddy and mommy are splitting up because mommy is sucking some other guy's d-ick" is the same thing as the methods advocated on this forum to expose an affair which are much more detailed and precise. 

Nor is telling a few friends that you're getting a divorce because the woman you married is a cheating affair the same thing as exposing an affair, at least according to my general understanding of exposure.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Ok I can see where that might be ambiguous. I didn't realize that explaining that "daddy and mommy are splitting up because mommy is sucking some other guy's d-ick" is the same thing as the methods advocated on this forum to expose an affair which are much more detailed and precise.
> 
> Nor is telling a few friends that you're getting a divorce because the woman you married is a cheating affair the same thing as exposing an affair, at least according to my general understanding of exposure.


Sorry. On this point I misunderstood you. You were just advocating not telling the OMW. I thought you were against exposure in general.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> Sorry. On this point I misunderstood you. You were just advocating not telling the OMW. I thought you were against exposure in general.


No problem. 

In general I AM against exposure in general because I don't think most marriages can be saved following infidelity and exposure will do nothing but increase conflict and the likelihood of an expensive highly litigated divorce such as my own. Conflict also decreases the ability of both parents to be civil and effectively coparent minor children. 

But I understand why exposure is one possible tool that can be used by a betrayed spouse that is willing to do everything regardless of possible consequences in order to try to save the marriage including exposing and thus potentially destroying the affair and bringing the wayward partner out of their "temporary fog" and into marriage counseling or whatever the next step towards possible reconciliation may be.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

nordic said:


> That was quite a bit of advise/opinion.
> 
> Let's clarify a few things:
> 
> ...


The downside would be that your wife would get mad, and that it could affect her willingness to be "reasonable" in proceeding with the divorce, as well as cause her to be difficult to deal with on all issues you must, such as the children.

Exposure could cause the other cowardly male (OCM) to choose his wife over yours, thus dumping your wife and ruining her life.

That's only if your wife knows or suspects it was you who exposed it.

I have a somewhat opposite view than you do. You refer to NOT exposing as taking "the high road." I look at exposing as taking the high road. If other man's wife is in the dark, she deserves to know. It would be an act of decency to tell her. And all you are doing is telling the truth. My opinion is that most people would want to know if they were being cheated on, so they could make their own decision to stay in the marriage, have another child, buy a new home, quit their jobs to be a stay-at-home mom, and other major life decisions, while not laboring under false assumptions that they are married to a loving loyal spouse.

I could understand why you wouldn't tell other man's wife - it could have a negative impact on you. But I don't consider it to be taking the high road.

Throughout all of your fighting with your wife over the infidelity and while on the road to divorce, have you ever brought up the idea of telling the other man's wife? If so, what was your wife's reaction? If not, why not?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Nordic

Just the fact that she offered you a fake Reconciliation and wasted $6000.00 is enough justification on your part to expose the Affair.

And guess what? In the end after all the drama she will have to be cordial with you for the kids sake.

And letting the posom's wife know what her husband is doing behind her back is the right thing to do.

It is as some as that.

It really has nothing to do about revenge.

It has everything to do about consequences we face as adults.

HM64


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know that this is the hardest thing that you have ever gone thru. Your former wife is dead, I mean really DEAD! The thing that is in front of you is a "Pod person" Do not talk to her, do not pay for her, do not help her, Do nothing for her.
The problem here is that, you keep looking to the past to understand the future. You can only look to the future now. I know that you think there is something wrong with you, that is not the case. The STBXW is the broken one, not you. You sound like you are doing well in the world and that will smooth out some of the problems that you will face but not all. Good luck and God Bless, Sorry that you are part of this club. David


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Regardless of outcome, I would of been very grateful, thankful, if someone (anyone) had-had the courage to expose my wife and tell me that she was cheating. I know of at least 3 others that sat on the sidelines and said nothing. 

Nordic... just think about if the roles were reversed?

Lawyer up... expose.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Nordic
1. OMW's is a human being. Whether you think she deserves to know or not, she DOES. You are witholding information from her that affects her life. Tell her. No revenge there. Just do the right thing.
2. Detach. She is the souless cheater who will always have to live with the vile, degrading acts that she has done. But you seem to want to be the nice facilitating guy that is the doormat for her. Detach. As much non-contact as possible is needed. And separate your funds if you have not. She is going to bleed you anyway. Lawyer up and protect yourself.

Move on sir. You will be happier without that kind of soullessness in your life.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

nordic said:


> 5) Also not particularly fond of telling family/kids since I want the kids to have a relationship with their mother. Also, my thinking is that my ex-wife and I having a somewhat cordial relationship will benefit the kids. Once she's out I don't care who she ****s as long as she's a responsible co-parent.


How does not telling others what really happened facilitate that? If she lies about the reasons behind the divorce, what else do you think she is lying about? Think she is taking any responsibility for anything, or is it all landing at your feet? If you don't think she is spinning that to her family (and that your kids won't hear it), I have beach front property in Arizona to sell you.

Even if you decide to forego broad exposure, you need to make sure the truth gets out. Make sure that your family knows, as well as her parents and the wife of the other man. You also need to be prepared to give your kids a basic understanding of what happened (in an age appropriate way). You don't need to demonize her, but be on the look out for her doing that.

*The key point to remember is that you don't know her any more, so act accordingly.*


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How does not telling others what really happened facilitate that? If she lies about the reasons behind the divorce, what else do you think she is lying about? Think she is taking any responsibility for anything, or is it all landing at your feet? If you don't think she is spinning that to her family (and that your kids won't hear it), I have beach front property in Arizona to sell you.
> 
> Even if you decide to forego broad exposure, you need to make sure the truth gets out. Make sure that your family knows, as well as her parents and the wife of the other man. You also need to be prepared to give your kids a basic understanding of what happened (in an age appropriate way). You don't need to demonize her, but be on the look out for her doing that.
> 
> *The key point to remember is that you don't know her any more, so act accordingly.*


Why do you want to spend the rest of your life being unfairly labeled as the problem in your marriage instead of the one who was?

I couldn't live that way.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Just think...down the street from you is a woman who has ZERO clue what her husband is doing with your wife.

Not cool. Especially, when you know what he's doing.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

nordic said:


> 4) I do have fantasies of exposing the other married guy but hard pressed to see that leading to anything more than some short term gratification. Indeed I think she deserves the *******. He is a looser and I can't believe she doesn't see it, but perhaps that is what romantic love is all about. Thinking I will take the high road.


 The high road is telling the other man's wife. She has a right to know. Not telling her means that you are part of the coverup as they sneak around together. Your cheating wife of course will say that by telling you were the one that broke up the other man's family. This is common cheater blame shifting. She broke up the other man's family by f*cking another person's husband. Do not let her say otherwise. The upside to you by the way is that if the other man's wife kicks him out and he moves in with your wife, this may lower your monthly payments to your wife in the divorce. Telling is thus the right thing to do and the smart thing to do.



nordic said:


> 5) Also not particularly fond of telling family/kids since I want the kids to have a relationship with their mother. Also, my thinking is that my ex-wife and I having a somewhat cordial relationship will benefit the kids. Once she's out I don't care who she ****s as long as she's a responsible co-parent.


 You must tell the family/kids and friends now. If you do not she will reinvent history and blame shift the reason for the divorce to you. She will do this behind your back and you will only learn about this when it is too late for anyone to believe you for sure when you say that she cheated; covering up her affair will come back and bite you for sure. What your children think of you matters. What your family thinks of you matters. What your friends think of you matters.

There is nothing good or moral in helping a cheater cover up their affair. Do not let the cheater tell you otherwise.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TRy said:


> The high road is telling the other man's wife. She has a right to know. Not telling her means that you are part of the coverup as they sneak around together. Your cheating wife of course will say that by telling you were the one that broke up the other man's family. This is common cheater blame shifting. She broke up the other man's family by f*cking another person's husband. Do not let her say otherwise. The upside to you by the way is that if the other man's wife kicks him out and he moves in with your wife, this may lower your monthly payments to your wife in the divorce. Telling is thus the right thing to do and the smart thing to do.
> 
> You must tell the family/kids and friends now. If you do not she will reinvent history and blame shift the reason for the divorce to you. She will do this behind your back and you will only learn about this when it is too late for anyone to believe you for sure when you say that she cheated; covering up her affair will come back and bite you for sure. *What your children think of you matters. What your family thinks of you matters. What your friends think of you matters.*
> There is nothing good or moral in helping a cheater cover up their affair. Do not let the cheater tell you otherwise.


:iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Moral decision are always between wrong and worse, not between right and wrong. Not easy to adress.
In this case I've changed my mind. The mediation is important for the children's future, their possibilities. Children come first. 
I'd wait for the D be final before exposing to this poor BW. She realy needs to know, to make informed decision too... but your childrens future, even inmediate, come first. It's something at your control. After exposure what you can control is nothing, nut the potential pitcomes are very bad.
Priorities.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

nordic said:


> Still thinking that at least exposing the other guy to his wife may be gratifying. Watch him get kicked out could be quite entertaining. Any downside?


There seems to be some differences of opinion , if you should tell the OM wife..However that being said, the thought occurred to me , how do you KNOW for a FACT, that she doesn't already know about the A ???

The OM wife could be handling the situation in a similar manner as you are , thinking logically and getting her "ducks in a row". She may be staying quite, examining all her options.

Its possible, you two could be allies and she may even be able to provide you, some information you don't know


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing


Agreed. But not while you're risking your money and adding to the complications in an otherwise smooth D process. I'm pretty sure OP's wife is going to turn into a b!tch as soon as the cake train is derailed. OP could expose right after the divorce decree is final.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

nordic said:


> That was quite a bit of advise/opinion.
> 
> Let's clarify a few things:
> 
> ...



Don't you think HIS wife deserves to know what a dirtbag her husband is and that YOUR wife is making a fool of her? 

Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you straight up what was happening? 

Where is your sense of decency for THAT woman? 

Did you read Carlton's post?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Also, I would have advised having an attorney represent you to get the best outcome on the divorce. Being nice just reinforces to her that you're ok with her behavior. 

Tell every family member, friend, HR person you can reach. She WILL paint you as the bad guy who 'neglected her and treated her badly so she had no choice but to f another man'.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Don't you think HIS wife deserves to know what a dirtbag her husband is and that YOUR wife is making a fool of her?
> 
> Where is your sense of decency for THAT woman?


Don't you think starving children in third world countries should be given money for food?

Shouldn't dogs and cats be adopted rather than exterminated due to lack of homes?

Shouldn't we be giving all our extra money to fight disease in undevelped countries?

Shouldn't we all be working in food kitchens to help the poor people?

Shouldn't all our free time be spend in hospitals helping dying people?

Give me a break.

He owes the other woman nothing. 

He needs to focus on solving his own problems right now.

Stop piling on the guilt and preaching morality, it's not helpful.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Don't you think starving children in third world countries should be given money for food?
> 
> Shouldn't dogs and cats be adopted rather than exterminated due to lack of homes?
> 
> ...


So since you can't help everyone, you help nobody!

If everyone thought the way you did, the world would be a pretty sad place.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> So since you can't help everyone, you help nobody!
> 
> If everyone thought the way you did, the world would be a pretty sad place.


It's an individual choice.

I pay my taxes (a whole bunch of them), and don't commit any (major) crimes.

Works for me.

I don't need anyone telling me to go help the less fortunate, and neither does the Op on this thread.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Don't you think starving children in third world countries should be given money for food?
> 
> Shouldn't dogs and cats be adopted rather than exterminated due to lack of homes?
> 
> ...


That's your opinion - not mine. Obviously we have very different ones.

Have a good day!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

nordic said:


> Still thinking that at least exposing the other guy to his wife may be gratifying. Watch him get kicked out could be quite entertaining. Any downside?


Well I can tell you from my experience that contacting the OM was helpful - although not as satisfying as I had hoped. It is a way to get closure - think it worked for me. I didn't contact the OMW because I didn't have any contact info, but contacting the POSOM and hearing his immature reaction/denials was weirdly gratifying and has helped me to move on further than if I just obsessed about contacting him but never did.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> That's your opinion - not mine. Obviously we have very different ones.
> 
> Have a good day!


It's obvious we don't feel the same way about helping out our needy planetary coinhabitants.

But how about in this particular instance, when a person's life is caving in around them because they've been cheated on and they're facing a high conflict divorce and they've turned to us for guidance?

Do you think this is a good time to pressure the person into helping out a complete stranger ESPECIALLY given that such actions may invariably ruin his own chances of getting through his own divorce in an amicable and speedy fashion?

As a reminder, this is a divorce, marriage, and relationship support board not a place to preach moral ethics to posters trying to cope with what arguably might be the worst crisis they may ever face in their entire lives.

All this "Tell the other woman it's your moral obligation and the decent thiing to do!" in light of the Ops own difficulties is just wrong.

Morally wrong.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> It's obvious we don't feel the same way about helping out our needy planetary coinhabitants.
> 
> But how about in this particular instance, when a person's life is caving in around them because they've been cheated on and they're facing a high conflict divorce and they've turned to us for guidance?
> 
> ...


If you have a direct issue with me, then feel free to PM me to do so. Otherwise, we will all continue to offer our opinions, advise and feedback to the OP instead of hijacking the thread.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> It's obvious we don't feel the same way about helping out our needy planetary coinhabitants.
> 
> But how about in this particular instance, when a person's life is caving in around them because they've been cheated on and they're facing a high conflict divorce and they've turned to us for guidance?
> 
> ...


I don't think the OP knows what he wants. 

Divorce or Reconciliation? He may say Divorce, but if his wife came home remorseful, he may change his mind.

If the OP tells the wife, the POSOM may very well throw the OP's wife under the bus and go running back to his wife. This brings the wife out of her fog (how wonderful and great the POSOM is) and makes her realize the guy was just using her for a piece of tail. She all of a sudden realizes that her husband is the wonderful and great guy and wants to come home.

Not everyone can reconcile with a cheating spouse. But many can.

Exposing is a great way of ending an affair.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

After finding out about my wife's affair I felt I DID have a moral obligation to let the xOM's wife know about the affair. He was lying to her and saying nothing happened. He was so scared of being revealed that he actually intercepted the email I sent to her.

But he didn't get the second one I sent a month later. He wasn't expecting that cuz he had gaslighted her so badly - AND he had a huge ego to boot.

SHE got to make her own decision when she got the truth. SHE got to dictate her own life's path instead of it being dictated by a liar.

So...where is it morally wrong to expose to a betrayed spouse? How can it be morally wrong to allow them the freedom to choose their own course?

OP - where are you with all of this stuff? I know you're hurting. I've been there, too.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Personally, and this is just me, I would contact the POSOM before doing any contacting of his wife. The guy's a coward - get in his face, even if it's just by phone or email. Tell him what you think of him, let him stew in his own cowardice and sneaky lies. Let your wife know that you contacted the coward and that you're now done with her. Tell her they deserve each other. 

THEN make your decision on whether to contact the OM's wife to "help things along".


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> As a reminder, this is a divorce, marriage, and relationship support board not a place to preach moral ethics to posters trying to cope with what arguably might be the worst crisis they may ever face in their entire lives.


To pretend that morals and ethics have no place in navigating divorce, marriage and relationships is to deny reality.

I agree completely that the ultimate decision is the OPs. But he needs to live with himself and his actions. Your view that he should look out for number one and F--- everyone else is not unreasonable, but may not be how he wants to live his life. Some have a different view of what their social responsibilities are. That it may hurt their financial bottom line is worth the sacrifice. 

I am all for you posting your point of view. But to imply that others are not working toward that posters good is wrong.

_Edit_ - OP, to be clear, if you feel that taking care of yourself needs to be your focus and exposing to the OMW is not part of that, there is no reason to feel bad. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> OP, to be clear, if you feel that taking care of yourself needs to be your focus and exposing to the OMW is not part of that, there is no reason to feel bad. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.


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