# Confusing to me and the kids...



## AshWill (Oct 2, 2013)

A little background on my husband and I. We met in 2007, when he started renting my extra room. We were instantly attracted to one another but we had both just gotten out of a long term relationship so we decided it would not be best to pursue a romantic relationship. Instead, we were good friends and had an intimate relationship. I was just 21 and although he is 7 years older, we partied A LOT! 6 months into this, I found out I was pregnant with our son (now 4). We decided to move forward and start a family.

We were struggling with cleaning up and trying to prepare for our baby so we moved from Louisiana to West Virginia (my home town). Although we had both worked up until this point, my husband wanted to take on more traditional roles so he was going to work and I was going to stay home and take care of the baby. The problem was that he couldn't hold a job. My dad had gotten him a job but he turned it down because he knew he couldn't pass a drug test (he smoked Marijuana still at the time). He ended up taking a few restaurant jobs but as he quit smoking, he was volatile at work and it would often end badly. We ended up on welfare and living in a family home when my son was born. 

2 weeks after my son was born, I went to work. I was working 2 jobs and my husband was supposed to be taking care of our son. However, it was really hard for him so I oftentimes had to drop him and the baby off at my mom's house so she could help him. We ended up moving in with my mom and when my son was 3 months old, I found out I was pregnant with twins... My husband finally found a job and by the time I was put on bed rest for preclampsya (sp), he had decided to go back to school as well. However, we still lived with my parents until the girls were 6 months old when my mom moved to Mass, leaving the house to us to stay in. My husband proposed at this point and we got married that July but my parents refused to come to the wedding. My husband was working at a call center and things were going well so we got custody of his daughter.

My husband got restless and we ended up moving to Texas so we could be closer to my stepdaughter's mom. My husband refused to stay home with the kids but he couldn't find work and we had no place to stay. My parents were angry so I had to go stay in Oklahoma with his parents until we sorted things out. This was an okay situation but awkward because I had only seen his parents twice before I moved in with them. 

Eventually, my husband gave up on finding work in Texas and moved to Oklahoma. He found electrical work and we rented a 5 bedroom house, bought a van, and got back on our feet financially. I began homeschooling my stepdaughter who has behavioral problems and things got tense between us. She was refusing to do anything I asked her, having emotional outbursts and banging her head on things, and pushing and hitting the younger children. During this time, my husband became very bitter to me. He blamed me for making him give up pot, criticized my skills as a mother and housewife, and generally became an angry person. I really think that everything that had happened was way too much for him and he didn't know how to cope.

In April, I moved to Louisiana with my three children, leaving my husband. As much as I love him, things were starting to get bad and even physical between us. It was a hard decision because my husband's mother left his father when he was 3 and he grew up without a father until he was 15. My husband begged me not to leave him and moved down here to try and convince me to stay with him. Of course, I ended up moving in with him.

When I moved in with him, he was working at an electrical place and making good money but shortly after, he lost his job. Now, he's working for his uncle to make ends meet. He is working 70 hours a week and barely bringing home $400 a week. I don't know if he's hiding money from me and buying weed or if that is what he is really making. Anyway, he is 10x more critical of me than he ever has been. I went out with my mom last night, and she bought me an outfit for his cousin's wedding. I brought it home to show him and he said it was trashy (its a dressy shirt that isn't even V necked so it shows no cleavage and a pair of dress pants), doesn't fit the "theme" of the wedding and that I am going to ruin the entire wedding if I wear it. This really hurt me because I have major body issues after giving birth to 3 kids in 2 years, I gained a lot of weight but this outfit makes me feel good. Somewhere during the "discussion" we had last night, he admitted that he does not love the person I am. He said that he is is in love with the person I used to be and that he keeps waiting for me to be like I was when we were first together. I tried to tell him that I am a mother now, not a party girl, and that if I was like I used to be then who would be responsible for our children? 

All this is very confusing to me...I don't see any way for us to reconcile. I really think that our relationship was based on lust and partying in the beginning and we just don't have enough of a substantial connection to maintain a marriage. That being said, I don't want to move my kids again. I could go live with my mom and only be 45 minutes away from my husband, so he could still be in their lives. I could file for a divorce, get back to work and take care of my kids...I just can't bring myself to do it...I love the idea of having a family and I don't want my kids to grow up in a split home...I just don't know of any other way...I'm seriously thinking about leaving for good this time...any thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't see anywhere in your post where you say what you two are actually doing to try to resolve your issues, other than separating and them moving back together. I realize that counseling might be a stretch when you're financially strapped, but what about community services or churches? If you don't do something to break out of the cycle you two are in, you'll keep getting the same results.

And if you could go back to work and take care of your kids if you're divorced, could you go back to work and help out with the family now?

BTW, the fact that a) you don't know how much your husband is making, b) he's working 70 hours a week, and c) he's making < $6 an hour are all troubling signs for your marriage.

C


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The marijuana smoking seems to have hurt your marriage. Does he have mentor figures?
Who does he get along with? From your description he is often in conflict. Does he learn from his job dismissals?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## AshWill (Oct 2, 2013)

PBear said:


> I don't see anywhere in your post where you say what you two are actually doing to try to resolve your issues, other than separating and them moving back together. I realize that counseling might be a stretch when you're financially strapped, but what about community services or churches? If you don't do something to break out of the cycle you two are in, you'll keep getting the same results.
> 
> And if you could go back to work and take care of your kids if you're divorced, could you go back to work and help out with the family now?
> 
> ...


I've mentioned counseling and that was one of the conditions of me moving back in. It is an issue, financially, but I have been looking for a solution to this. Recently, my husband said he didn't want to do counseling because he thinks that psychology is a "crock" to use his own terminology. We try to talk things out but we CANNOT communicate whatsoever. 

As far as going back to work now, my husband doesn't want me to. He has a point when he says that I can't make enough money to even pay for the daycare expenses. My babies start preschool next year, so it will be a bigger possibility after that. If I was a single mom, I could get daycare assistance so that wouldn't be as big of an issue. 

I can't reconcile the work situation in my head, either. We've never had a relationship where the money is "shared". We got our first joint banking account about 6 months ago (we've been together 5 years). If I need something, I let him know and he determines if we can afford it or not. This is the first time that I just don't know how much he is making and I really feel like he's not working the entire time he's gone or that he's hiding money from me...I don't really know what to make out of this but I would actually be okay with it, if we could just get along. I am really financially low maintenance and usually don't care too much about it as long as the bills are paid.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

AshWill said:


> I've mentioned counseling and that was one of the conditions of me moving back in. It is an issue, financially, but I have been looking for a solution to this. Recently, my husband said he didn't want to do counseling because he thinks that psychology is a "crock" to use his own terminology. We try to talk things out but we CANNOT communicate whatsoever.
> 
> As far as going back to work now, my husband doesn't want me to. He has a point when he says that I can't make enough money to even pay for the daycare expenses. My babies start preschool next year, so it will be a bigger possibility after that. If I was a single mom, I could get daycare assistance so that wouldn't be as big of an issue.
> 
> I can't reconcile the work situation in my head, either. We've never had a relationship where the money is "shared". We got our first joint banking account about 6 months ago (we've been together 5 years). If I need something, I let him know and he determines if we can afford it or not. This is the first time that I just don't know how much he is making and I really feel like he's not working the entire time he's gone or that he's hiding money from me...I don't really know what to make out of this but I would actually be okay with it, if we could just get along. I am really financially low maintenance and usually don't care too much about it as long as the bills are paid.


So you have set boundaries, but you've abandoned them to keep the peace. All that's doing is teaching him that you can safely be ignored when you give the next one.

As far as the daycare thing goes... If he's making that little money and you have 4 kids, are you saying you can't get daycare subsidized? I don't know the situation down there in the States, but that doesn't seem right. Have you actually investigated this yourself?

And finally, as far as his money goes... Again, you're letting things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. As long as you're willing to do that, he's going to take advantage of that. 

Seems like you have two options. Lay out your boundaries and start enforcing them, or leave. If you lay out your boundaries (counseling, more openness on the finances), things MAY improve and you two can resolve your issues. Maybe not. You'll never know unless you try. But you know what? If you take option #2, your marriage is over anyway.

C


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## AshWill (Oct 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The marijuana smoking seems to have hurt your marriage. Does he have mentor figures?
> Who does he get along with? From your description he is often in conflict. Does he learn from his job dismissals?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Yes, the marijuana smoking has always been a problem in our marriage which is odd since it was one of our biggest activities together before having kids. I don't see it as something "bad" but I quit so that I would be able to focus on my children. I just don't think it's an appropriate thing for my role as a mother, and I've had no problem adjusting. The problem is that when he doesn't smoke, he kind of comes unhinged. I think that I put up with it simply because I like him more when he smokes but financially and legally, it doesn't make sense in my mind that he continues to do it. 

His uncle is his biggest mentor (that's who he's working with right now), and he's a good guy. He works hard and is always nice to me. I think that his uncle and aunt have a different marital dynamic than we do and this is actually a problem as well. His aunt is completely devoted to serving his uncle. She serves him dinner, picks out his clothes, wears what he tells her is appropriate, ect. I believe that women and men are equal and my husband believes that women were put here to support men. I think that's the primary role he really wants me to play. I would rather have a give and take relationship than be his servant and this is a huge problem in our marriage. Other than his uncle, all his friends are involved with drinking or drugs in some way. 

Anytime there is a conflict in his work or personal life, he has a justification. It's always, "Yes, I cussed at and waved a knife at my boss but it was because he didn't give me the raise that he promised" so I don't think that he's learning anything. I felt like he was for a while when he was working at the call center but after we moved away he would say things like "I tried to conform and it didn't work" and "I'm going to do things my way"...I don't think he has the skills to reconcile conflict.

For instance, when we have a conflict, it always gets personal. He may be upset because of something I said and instead of saying "I didn't like such and such statement", he'll say something personal about my weight or my parenting. I'm sure that I'm messing up as much as he is but I'm not really sure how because he will get mad and go on a tirade, instead of just telling me why he's really angry. I'm assuming this is the same type of thing that is happening at work.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who influences him in a positive way?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

AshWill,
My heart goes out to you. I don't feel qualified to give you advice but I can tell you that I hear the confusion and turmoil you are going through. 
I wish you the best...


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