# Husband had a 6 month sexting affair



## Iamhb (Apr 11, 2014)

I guess I just need to vent and to see if other people in a similar situation feel the same way that I am feeling. About 4 weeks ago my husband accidently left his facebook open. There were messages from an old school friend of both of ours. The messages themselves were innocent, except they always signed off with things like, "I miss you xx" "Cant wait to see you xx" which I thought was really weird and inappropriate. I went back and read all the messages and found a few that said "check your Whatapp" I didn't even know what this was, so I looked it up and saw that it was an instant messaging app. I was sure something was going on. We have been together for 22 years and have 3 gorgeous kids. I thought we were pretty happy and in all those years our sex life has always been good, better than good! I organised for my kids to go to their grandparents (told a fib as to why) and confronted my husband. I told another fib and told him that someone had sent me a message telling me to ask my husband about his whatsapp. I didn't really have any evidence and didn't want him to be able to make excuses. I asked him to see the whatsapp and he went off! He told me that he didn't have to show me, that I should just trust him and I was invading his privacy and he then went and locked himself in the toilet! I was so shocked and angry, I told him if he didn't come out and show me, that I was leaving and our marriage was over. He let me leave! I just walked around in a daze, I was so heart broken and thinking the worst. About 30 minutes later he pulls up beside me and tells me to get in the car and that we need to talk. Well no ****! He admitted that he had been having a 6 month sexting (EA) affair with a woman he met at the pub.(Not our school friend) He said they flirted and he liked the way it made him feel, it gave him an ego boost. He asked her for her number, knowing that he wanted to sext her and did just that the very next day. They sexted every 2nd day, 100's of texts to each other. I am heart broken and I cry all the time. I am so over crying! I hate myself right now, really hate myself! I have put on weight after having the kids, and cant help but think that that is why. He described her as thin and attractive, and younger than me, was he looking for someone who is everything I am not? I feel pathetic and stupid and replaceable, worthless I guess, like I mean nothing. Is this a normal way to feel? I don't understand why he has done this to me and he says there was no real reason, it was just something different and fun, he never thought he would hurt me, because he never thought I would ever find out. He says it had nothing to do with me and it never really meant anything, it was just like playing a game. Can I believe this? It is one thing I am really struggling with, maybe that is because I am a woman? It is really possible for someone to send 100's of intimate, sexual, dirty texts to someone for 6 months, and not feel any sort of emotional attachment at all? He says he doesn't want to lose me and that he loves me and nothing like this will ever happen again. I said I want his facebook and phone passwords, but he says he is uncomfortable with this. He says he understands why I want them, but feels like I will be reading his diary if I have access to those things. This just makes me think that he has more to hide. What could he possibly write to someone else that I shouldn't read? Thank you for reading this and for letting me just get it out of my head. I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about all the things that could have ,maybe would have happened and trying to find the answers to why. It just helps to get it all out. I don't think I have ever felt this low or overwhelmed in my life, and it is nice to know that I am not alone out there.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your situation. A MC would help about now assuming he gave full disclosure and has agreed to stop the sexting.


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## Iamhb (Apr 11, 2014)

He says he doesn't want to do counciling, he knows he has done wrong and wont do it again and doesn't need someone telling him how awful he is. I said it is more than that, but he is not convinced.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Your post is difficult to read and reply too because its just one big wall of text. Can you edit into smaller paragraphs?

However, the first thing I would be doing is (and I know this is really hard) is staying cool and backing off from the questioning.

Act like you are satisfied with his answers.

This will enable you to go into detective mode to find out the REAL truth. This is important, because you can't decide what you need or want to do, until you know exactly what it is you are fighting.

There are posters on here who are much more of an expert at going full detective than I was, I'm sure they will help you.

You have to know that what you are hearing from him is not the whole story by a long shot, cheaters are very good at only admitting to what it is they think you suspect.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

anyone who is uncomfortable with giving you all their passwords right after they have betrayed you is not worth it. If he were actually remorseful, he would be doing anything to save your marriage, like going to counseling and giving you all his passwords. He still wants to hide something. I suggest doing the 180.

edited to fix my silly auto correct! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And it was "just" an meaningless sexting EA which meant nothing because? Because it's what he says... after deleting every trace of evidence from his phone?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You can assume there is more that he doesn't want to tell you, sadly there almost always is. So lets see what he's up to that you already know.
He sent inappropriate/sexual messages to at least one woman.
He lies
He attacked you for trying to protect the marriage.
He wants to continue to keep secrets from you
He rejects counseling

So he's nonapologetic about his behavior, he's minimalizing it, he won't get outside help.

You have to absolutely know, without any doubt, this is all on him. You did nothing to cause this type of betrayal. Not your weight, not your attitude, nothing nothing nothing. He did this because he chose to betray you and lie and cheat. 
I've been in your shoes. My ex remained totally unremorseful and unapologetic. He told me he didn't have to explain his behavior and he wasn't going to apologize to anyone for anything. We divorced.
Then I found out more about him, and I'm glad he's out of my life.

Does it matter to you if it remained sexting vs. physical. It does to some people, and not to others and who am I to judge.
You have a huge problem in your marriage, and you might have to be willing to end the marriage in order to be able to save it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. Until you get some additional proof, you need to believe that you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Consider a polygraph. 

The fact that he's refusing counseling is a HUGE red flag that he's only sorry he got caught, not actually sorry for what he did. And remember, you don't yet know what he did...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

One of his messages says "can't wait to see you xx"...that probably means this is more than a sexting affair.

And considering he hasn't told you her name or ANYTHING about her, I'd also be pretty sure this was the mutual friend of yours on facebook.

If he won't give up his passwords, he's still hiding something.

If he won't go to MC it's because he doesn't want to try hard enough to R.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The trail has been erased by now.

It may or may not just be an EA.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

... and what about the old school friend on facebook?
I'll out my salary he also "cleaned up" facebook.
If this woman is indeed a friend she will be honest about the real extent of their onloine relationship. Is she married?

It's time to play dumb and go stealth. I fear you'd have to go way long in the past, digging the phone bills, the internet story... everything in the book.
Keylogger, VARs... whatever. Find the true extent of his scapades on your own, he's obviously not a reliable narrator, too motivated to control the outcome and cover his as$$.
There's no doubt in my mind he already conocted stories with - at least - two OWs (asuming he didn't make up the bar stranger personna in order to protect himself and "school friend").


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MC won't do any good right now because your husband is still trickle truthing you. Until he comes completely clean and reinvested in the marriage, don't bother with MC.

Sadly, you gave him a heads up, so he has now deleted everything incriminating. Even if he does give you access, you will not find the truth. If he had nothing to hide, he would have given you full disclosure right off the bat. He is also gaslighting you by telling you you do not have the right to see his stuff - making YOU feel guilty for asking!

The best thing you can do is to put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone and wait to see what happens. He will go farther underground now with his activities. He may even stop for a while till you cool off. Play along with him while you investigate, because sooner or later he will resume. When he does, collect the evidence as it comes in until you feel you know everything you can, and only THEN confront. Before you confront, though, have your exit strategy in place. This should involve telling him to get the hell out of the house. Even though you can't force him to leave, it sends a very clear message of where you stand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At the moment he's trying to have it both ways -- cake-eating. He needs to be totally transparent with everything he does. And getting over an EA for you will not be easy. Trust broken is difficult to get back.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sorry you are here.
and i'm sorry to say it but you're married to a typical cheater. the lines he's used so far are the ones most use. invading his privacy? gmafb. how about disrespecting you by lying, cheating and betraying your trust.

i would find the info here about what is necessary for you to gather more evidence ASAP. you might even pretend you've forgiven him so he feels safe to carry on.

please prepare yourself for the worst. i'd bet just about anything he's had at least one PA.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When a cheater does not freely give over their passwords, accounts, etc, they are hiding stuff and they have not come clean.

1. Try to put aside the weight gain, body issues you have. I will tell you that it had nothing to do with why he cheated. Easier said then done, but try to resist looking at yourself as to have any blame in this.

2. Don't give in to him saying "invasion of privacy". Should not exsist in a marriage and I would demand that after what he did there will never be another time where this stuff is hidden, private and that it will all be out in the open, period.

3. He is sorry he got caught. He is not remorseful.

4. Get tested for STD's.

5. Expose this.

6. Talk to an attorney. Learn what your options are.


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