# Telling OW's Husband?



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

My H has been carrying on with OW since June; I found out on September 15th. I have the evidence, text records (not the texts themselves), email correspondence, a list of favorite songs that the OW gave to my husband, H journal entries. 

We are going to a MC Thursday, 3 weeks ago, he denied having an affair, so he is lying to me. He told me in July that he may not be in love with me anymore so I started digging.

Texts/calls stopped dead on Friday according to the text/phone messages. I think they know that they are under surveillance. I am almost ready to confront but I am curious to see what will come out in the Counseling session before I do so. This has been very painful, i am sorry to see that there are so many individuals who are dealing with this. My heart goes out to all of you.

I am considering contacting the OW husband after the session if he does not come clean. I want the affair to stop.

I don't want my H to know that it was I who contacted the OW H. *I fear that there will be no chance of reconciliation if he knows that I contacted him. Am I crazy to think that the OW H and I can agree to not let on which of us initiated the disclosure?* Just confront our spouses at roughly the same time and let the chips fall where they may. I've met the OW H once, he will not be too surprised judging from the emails, etc. But who can predict his reaction.

That is my plan. What do you think?

Thank you.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

daibai said:


> I don't want my H to know that it was I who contacted the OW H. *I fear that there will be no chance of reconciliation if he knows that I contacted him. Am I crazy to think that the OW H and I can agree to not let on which of us initiated the disclosure?*


I think you're too afraid of losing your husband. He has all the power. He's cheating on you, he's lying about it and here you are afraid to contact the other woman's husband because if you do and hubby finds out he won't ever want to be with you again. 

You need to change you attitude and your strategy. 

Tell the other woman's husband, make sure hubby does know you told him and F&*K him if he doesn't like it.

He doesn't respect you and he'll never respect you if you are so afraid of him that you sneak around trying to find ways to blow up the affair without really stepping forward and letting him know you won't put up with the BS.

In other words..

If you're afraid you're going to lose him, you're going to lose him.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Yes that's true, I am afraid of losing him.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I know. It's obvious.

Problem is, he knows it too.

He knows he can get away with anything, so he does.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Pretty sure he is unaware that I know. I think he'll be shocked when this all comes out, he's in a Fog. If we split up, it'll s*ck for both of us financially, we're not young.

I agree with you that I have to be brave -- I'm almost there. Thank you.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

daibai said:


> Pretty sure he is unaware that I know. I think he'll be shocked when this all comes out, he's in a Fog. If we split up, it'll s*ck for both of us financially, we're not young.


It's usually worse when people are young.. they don't have much in the way of assets, sometimes there are small children or even babies to care for. 

Anyway regardless of your age or your finances, yes everything gets split in half, but then you've only got yourself to take care of so you don't need as much. Sell the big house and get a small apartment with the equity from the sale, put the rest in the bank to get you through the short term.. that sort of thing. 

Also if he makes more than you, there's a good possibility of support, at least on a temporary basis, and in some areas, it could be lifetime. In which case, his affair will cost him dearly. Might be worth researching the divorce laws in your area to get an idea of what his responsibility might be.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're here. Tell the OWH, so he knows that he needs to get checked for STDs. I hope you did, as well. Give him copies of whatever evidence you have. If you do R, he will be instrumental in watching for signs that the affair has indeed died and that it didn't go underground.

Also, you might want to have a mod move this to "Coping with Infidelity" by PMing a mod. You will get more advice from veteran posters there.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Writer said:


> Also, you might want to have a mod move this to "Coping with Infidelity" by PMing a mod. You will get more advice from veteran posters there.


True. Didn't even realize that. No wonder no one is responding, this thread is in totally the wrong subforum!


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I'll do that, have the thread moved. I had difficulty starting this new thread not sure how to post it under CWI...Thanks a bunch.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw. Tell the OWH ASAP and stop going to MC until the affair is truly dead.

MC only works when both parties are fully using it to fix the marriage. Until he is there, including dumping her forever, you are wasting time and money on MC


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Well I approached the OWH and he confronted his wife who explained to my H today that they could no longer be in contact. I have not spoken to my H after that conversation he is at work, surely will do so tonight. We start with a MC tomorrow night.

TAM was very helpful, that was the best advice in my case but it sure took courage. Thanks for all of your encouragement and help. 

So to all those who are afraid to confront, fight for your marriage! It's not over yet, but I'm hopeful.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

After the session inform the Ow's husband without telling yours.

After you inform the OW's husband THEN inform yours that you have done so.

You can't fear this, what will be will be and lying to cover up your actions is pretty much the same thing he's doing.

Keep the moral high ground.

This is all dependent on the fact that you actually have evidence of an affair.
From what you disclose you don't really have that evidence and will be seen as a crazy jealous wife by the OW's husband if you can't give him objective evidence that can't be denied or bull****ted away.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

That's what I did. I asked My H if he was having an affair on Wednesday night (for the 4th time). I then confronted my H on Thursday night by saying "I know about your affair with X" and mentioned evidence in the way of phone logs. On Friday morning I spoke to the OW H and we met on Friday afternoon. I presented my evidence. He spoke to his wife on Sunday and then his wife spoke to my H this morning breaking it off and encouraging him to be honest with his wife - me. 

We'll see what happens next. I am hoping to reconcile. I think this may have been an EA, not sure about sex. Hope not. They both deny that of course.


----------

