# In despair



## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

First off I want to apologize if I offend anyone on here with my posting of my boyfriend and not my husband. I know this is a marriage forum but I really have no where to turn to, and I truly feel like my boyfriend is my husband, and he feels the same. I have been dating my bf for 2 years. This past week I f'ed up and totally lost his trust. We are in a long distance relationship currently for the past 9 months, though we were physically together for the first 1 and 3 months. We talk and text every day, usually talking 4-7 times a day, every day. So the relationship has been as good as it can be for long-distance. We both have always trusted each other, always told each other what we were doing, planned on doing, etc. Last Thursday I had dinner with a couple of work friends. I had a few drinks at the restaurant and I'll admit that I was a bit more tipsy than I had anticipated since I haven't been drinking a lot due to stomach issues. I called my bf on the way home and talked about how crappy the food was, etc. Friends were coming back to my place for a couple more drinks, and I guess I failed to tell my bf that, or I told him I was going to drop something off to my son then head home (I only remember telling his this on the drive to the restaurant, not after) I honestly don't remember the conversation, except the beginning of it where I was talking about the food. There is absolutely no reason why I would lie to him about my friends coming over. I know that he wouldn't care so I would never lie about things like that. While we were back at my place, my friends and I had a couple glasses so of wine, and by this point I was pretty drunk. My bf called me twice and I declined his calls. I have no idea why I did that. I think it was probably because I didn't want to be rude to my guests, and figured I'd just call him back when they left. They were leaving shortly. I texted him a couple of minutes after he called me, and told him I was sorry I didn't pick up but I have my friends over. He was instantly pissed off. My friends left and I called him back, not thinking anything was wrong. He didn't answer my calls and finally did after several times calling. So from the time he initially called me to when I called him back, it was exactly 5 minutes. Long story short, he thinks I lied to him about not telling on the drive home that my friends were coming over, and that I was hiding something because I declined his calls. He said that I broke his trust. He is the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole on things, so I can imagine he thought the worst happened and just made it worse and worse. He has always told me from the beginning of our relationship that trust was the most important thing to him. He has other issues going on, some health and depression/anxiety. So basically, I was the glue holding him together and with what I did, I just destroyed him. I tried to apologize and explained my side of the story, but he just wasn't having it. The last time we spoke was on Saturday morning, and he said he needed time to think. He was supposed to call me yesterday (Tuesday), but I still have not heard from him. I am at a total loss here...I can't believe that our relationship can end on something like this. I am also so heartbroken that he would think I would do something like cheat on him. We have been through so much together. We are not young, we are both in our early 40s so this is not some immature relationship. I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and can't imagine life without him. I texted him today and asked if we can talk today and I did not get a response. He currently lives in Canada and I am in the states. I really want to fly up and see him to try to resolve this. Am I crazy?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t act like you have. Let him come to you, or let him go.
My opinion is that chasing someone never works out. Declining his calls for a few minutes shouldn’t be the end of the world. You haven’t seen him in 9 months. Exactly what kind of relationship is that? He may be looking for an excuse to end it.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Well I have seen him since he left. Last time was in February, so not that long ago. How do you just walk away? We are supposed to be soulmates. I can't imagine life without him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

sadpanda1 said:


> Well I have seen him since he left. Last time was in February, so not that long ago. How do you just walk away? We are supposed to be soulmates. I can't imagine life without him.


You can ask him what it would take to gain his trust and allow him to believe you weren’t hiding anything, just being stupid. Perhaps ask if a lie detector test would help? Others will suggest it’s crazy trying to hold onto someone that insecure, that this is a warning and you’re lucky to learn this now, not 5 years down the road. But it’s your call, not the TAM jury.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He sounds very needy and pretty insecure. Why did he need to call when you had only just spoken to him?. Talking 7 times a day seems excessive.
Then he was 'destroyed' because you forget to tell him? Really?
How much time in total have you actually been together?Are you intending that one of you moves to live in the others country?
Does he work? Have a life? Hobbies and interests? Friends and family?


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> You can ask him what it would take to gain his trust and allow him to believe you weren’t hiding anything, just being stupid. Perhaps ask if a lie detector test would help? Others will suggest it’s crazy trying to hold onto someone that insecure, that this is a warning and you’re lucky to learn this now, not 5 years down the road. But it’s your call, not the TAM jury.


I would be worried if this happened more than once. But this is the first time, and he has never questioned me about where I am or who I was with because we're always very open with each other. I know a lot of people say to move on and that he's controlling it obsessive. But truly, he is not that type of man. He has always been kind, truthful, and caring. I think that because he has other things going on, depression, anxiety, heart issues, this was kind of the last straw. I wish we could just talk about it but I havent heard from him yet.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> He sounds very needy and pretty insecure. Why did he need to call when you had only just spoken to him?. Talking 7 times a day seems excessive.
> Then he was 'destroyed' because you forget to tell him? Really?
> How much time in total have you actually been together?Are you intending that one of you moves to live in the others country?
> Does he work? Have a life? Hobbies and interests? Friends and family?


So from the time we spoke while I was driving home till he called me when I was at home was about 2 hours. He usually calls me at night before bed. We've been together a total of 2 years. He will be coming back to the US around November we are hoping. So the plan from the beginning was that he'd move here permanently and we would live happily ever after.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> You can ask him what it would take to gain his trust and allow him to believe you weren’t hiding anything, just being stupid. Perhaps ask if a lie detector test would help?


A lie detector for this silly stuff? Her boyfriend has big issues and he is damaging the relationship with them, projecting. He needs therapy and to fix himself. I wouldn't want a relationship with a person like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sadpanda1 said:


> So from the time we spoke while I was driving home till he called me when I was at home was about 2 hours. He usually calls me at night before bed. We've been together a total of 2 years. He will be coming back to the US around November we are hoping. So the plan from the beginning was that he'd move here permanently and we would live happily ever after.


What career does he have and does he have hobbies and interests etc?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

"Well I have seen him since he left. Last time was in February, so not that long ago. How do you just walk away? We are supposed to be soulmates. I can't imagine life without him."

Soulmates is a Fantasy term. IRL people have to deal with all kinds of stuff on their own and sometimes "with a little help from my friends" - but until two people can telepathically connect - "Soulmate" is just wanting a fantasy to be true.

Dating is the 'tryout" for the team. In trying out - you don't automagically just do stuff and are accepted for a more permanent relationship. Dating is the time when you learn about "the other person" with whom you are thinking of a more permanent relationship.










I suggest you re-align your thinking on how to address not answering a text/phone call.
There is not a thing wrong with NOT responding in a "set" period of time. 
What if you are just starting a shower? Or sitting on the porcelain throne? 
Or in the checkout line at the grocery unloading your cart - and there are others wating?
(Note: people, a lot of them - not all, are just stupid rude - holding up the line so they can
use cellphone? - jerks!) What about if you are driving and in a cell-reception-dead-zone?

Get my drift?

Your BF has some personality challenges and you don't need to be his mother.

Maybe you can make a point that you may be busy and a "cell-phone-mini-tablet" ping is not a mandatory immediate
drop everything and reply event.

LD relationship is a bit difficult and your BF isn't up to the task. 

I wonder what his activities are while you are separated? His reaction smells either a bit fishy or the aforementioned
"needs to get real" with life issue.

Good luck


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He's over reacting.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sounds like an extreme over reaction, and immature even though you say you are both in your 40s. Just curious, does he know these friends? Are they male or female?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he over reacted like this before? Has he given you the silent treatment before?


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> What career does he have and does he have hobbies and interests etc?


He likes to golf and has been trying to do that as much as he can when he's feeling good. As for work, he is a real estate investor so he's not really doing anything active at the moment until he returns to the US.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> "Well I have seen him since he left. Last time was in February, so not that long ago. How do you just walk away? We are supposed to be soulmates. I can't imagine life without him."
> 
> Soulmates is a Fantasy term. IRL people have to deal with all kinds of stuff on their own and sometimes "with a little help from my friends" - but until two people can telepathically connect - "Soulmate" is just wanting a fantasy to be true.
> 
> ...


So there has been many times when he's called and I haven't picked up because I was working, or didn't hear the phone, or in the shower. It has never been an issue I think his biggest issue is that he thinks that I lied to him and didn't mention my friends were coming over, then declined his calls right away so he thinks I was hiding something. Everything up until this incident, everything was as perfect as they could be. We really didn't have any disagreements, and we were always able to talk things out when one of us were feeling a certain type of way. I trust him 100%, so I know he has not been doing anything to be unfaithful. And he thought the same of before this. As mentioned in the previous post, could this have been the last straw that broke the camels back since he has a lot of other issues he's dealing with? Even though to me, this incident was due to a lack of judgement on my part with the drinking, I honestly feel like I did not do anything wrong. Which doesn't necessarily excuse how it made him feel. I just wish we could talk about it, but it seems like he still does not want to talk to or see me at all. I've never been in this position so it's just killing me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> So there has been many times when he's called and I haven't picked up because I was working, or didn't hear the phone, or in the shower. It has never been an issue I think his biggest issue is that he thinks that I lied to him and didn't mention my friends were coming over, then declined his calls right away so he thinks I was hiding something. Everything up until this incident, everything was as perfect as they could be. We really didn't have any disagreements, and we were always able to talk things out when one of us were feeling a certain type of way. I trust him 100%, so I know he has not been doing anything to be unfaithful. And he thought the same of before this. As mentioned in the previous post, could this have been the last straw that broke the camels back since he has a lot of other issues he's dealing with? Even though to me, this incident was due to a lack of judgement on my part with the drinking, I honestly feel like I did not do anything wrong. Which doesn't necessarily excuse how it made him feel. I just wish we could talk about it, but it seems like he still does not want to talk to or see me at all. I've never been in this position so it's just killing me.


Does he know these friends, maybe he has a concern about them?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What other issues
is he dealing with? 
So he buys property?


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Does he know these friends, maybe he has a concern about them?


He has never met them since we met during covid and didn't go out and meet any of our friends. But he knows about them as I have talked about them many times. My one friend I go out with frequently, so he definitely knows about her. My other friend (gay man) I haven't seen since pandemic began, but he knows about him too.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> What other issues
> is he dealing with?
> So he buys property?


One of the issues he's dealing with is with his health. He has horrible headaches which pretty much debilitate him, and are triggered by weather change. Unfortunately where he currently is, the weather changes on a daily basis (usually winter/fall and spring) so he has been suffering a lot these past several month. He's mentioned to me before that it makes him incredibly depressed because when this happens to him, it basically makes him feel less of a man since he is completely useless. He also has pretty bad anxiety that he was working through, dealing with the death of his sister a few years ago. He actually worked through a lot of it while we were together, and has told me that his anxiety and depression went from 90% to about 5-10% during the time we've been together. The other issues are dealing with not being able to come back here with me, which adds to everything.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Often when an accusation from a significant other seems out of balance with reality, it is projection. He is very concerned about you lying and / or cheating because that is what he is doing.

I would be concerned that he would accuse you over something so insignificant and would be wondering what he is up to...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@sadpanda1 I know you want this relationship to work, but you may have to come to terms with it not being viable. Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, even in the absence of other issues. Your relationship is not absent of other issues. Your BF has a lot of issues and you wouldn't be likely to fix him if you were together full time, and it will never happen while distanced. He is throwing up a lot of red flags and it may be best to take his non-communication as an opportunity to call it quits and move on.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @sadpanda1 I know you want this relationship to work, but you may have to come to terms with it not being viable. Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, even in the absence of other issues. Your relationship is not absent of other issues. Your BF has a lot of issues and you wouldn't be likely to fix him if you were together full time, and it will never happen while distanced. He is throwing up a lot of red flags and it may be best to take his non-communication as an opportunity to call it quits and move on.


I've heard this a lot, and while it may be the "right" thing to do, it's just unbearable. I was willing to be patient with him on his other issues and felt in my heart that things would return to "normal" once he got back here. Maybe I am just blinded. I don't know.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> I've heard this a lot, and while it may be the "right" thing to do, it's just unbearable. I was willing to be patient with him on his other issues and felt in my heart that things would return to "normal" once he got back here. Maybe I am just blinded. I don't know.


It is possible that he would get back to whatever his normal is, maybe not. What you do know is he has the capacity to get pissed off easily and ghost you for many days. Does that sound like someone cut out for a healthy relationship. I can imagine it is quite hard. Love will make you put up with a lot of things you should never put up with.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is possible that he would get back to whatever his normal is, maybe not. What you do know is he has the capacity to get pissed off easily and ghost you for many days. Does that sound like someone cut out for a healthy relationship. I can imagine it is quite hard. Love will make you put up with a lot of things you should never put up with.


I was shocked at how he could just flip a switch and be so cold and not hear me out or understand what I was saying about the events. So no, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but it's hard to see it that way since this is the first time this has happened. And I would say it didn't happen for no reason, I pretty much brought it on myself. Had I just answered his damn call this would not have happened.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> I was shocked at how he could just flip a switch and be so cold and not hear me out or understand what I was saying about the events. So no, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but it's hard to see it that way since this is the first time this has happened. And I would say it didn't happen for no reason, I pretty much brought it on myself. Had I just answered his damn call this would not have happened.


You do not own any blame in this from what you said in this post. OMG, you didn't answer the phone in 2 seconds flat, lol. If that is all it takes to trigger him you are in for a long and messy relationship if you stick it out with him. Honestly that kind of behavior is bordering on abusive.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You do not own any blame in this from what you said in this post. OMG, you didn't answer the phone in 2 seconds flat, lol. If that is all it takes to trigger him you are in for a long and messy relationship if you stick it out with him. Honestly that kind of behavior is bordering on abusive.


Everything you say is true, and if it were someone else telling the story, I'd say the same to them. But when it's you, it's just so hard to believe you know? You have this idea and plans for the future, then all of a sudden they are ripped out. And all you can think is, if only I didn't do this, or if only I had done that. I feel like I am to blame because if I didn't go out that night, none of this would've happend.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> Everything you say is true, and if it were someone else telling the story, I'd say the same to them. But when it's you, it's just so hard to believe you know? You have this idea and plans for the future, then all of a sudden they are ripped out. And all you can think is, if only I didn't do this, or if only I had done that. I feel like I am to blame because if I didn't go out that night, none of this would've happend.


It would have happened sooner or later. In a way you can look at it as a blessing. You got a glimpse into who he is before you got deeper into the relationship and maybe into marriage. 

I've never been through this personally, but my wife went through a tough breakup with her ex, 35 years ago just before we met. They got as far as being engaged and living together. While in the relationship she overlooked many red flags even blamed herself for some of his bad behaviors, even as they were moving in together. She made some really stupid choices thinking he was someone he was not and that she could somehow get him to be a better man. She learned the hard way that you can't change people, they are who they are. Now with decades to reflect and see what became of him she knows he was and would always be a bad partner.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It would have happened sooner or later. In a way you can look at it as a blessing. You got a glimpse into who he is before you got deeper into the relationship and maybe into marriage.
> 
> I've never been through this personally, but my wife went through a tough breakup with her ex, 35 years ago just before we met. They got as far as being engaged and living together. While in the relationship she overlooked many red flags even blamed herself for some of his bad behaviors, even as they were moving in together. She made some really stupid choices thinking he was someone he was not and that she could somehow get him to be a better man. She learned the hard way that you can't change people, they are who they are. Now with decades to reflect and see what became of him she knows he was and would always be a bad partner.


That is very inspirational. Hopefully one day I can look back on this as well and think of it as a blessing and not the biggest mistake of my life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

re16 said:


> Often when an accusation from a significant other seems out of balance with reality, it is projection. He is very concerned about you lying and / or cheating because that is what he is doing.
> 
> I would be concerned that he would accuse you over something so insignificant and would be wondering what he is up to...


This. I was going to respond with something similar, but now I don’t have to.

Yea, sounds like projection and he may have trust issues because he’s not trustworthy. Breaking up with you because you took a few minutes to call him back is the brightest red flag that you need to pay attention to.

Imagine if he lived nearby.

Also, there’s really no such thing as “soulmates.” It’s a word we sometimes use to describe this person who seems like they were cosmically selected for us and if they go away, our world will be utterly destroyed. I’d stop viewing him that way because it only keeps you stuck in a dysfunctional relationship.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Ok, so I spoke with him and he is still pretty heated about the whole thing. It is not the issue that I declined is call or that I didn't tell him friends were coming over. He said it was those actions that made him now feel like he doesn't trust me anymore. Even though he wants to believe that I didn't do anything, those feeling of uncertainty are still lingering. I asked him to think about me, think about us and all that we have been through and to know in his heart that I wouldn't do anything. But he can't get that feeling out of his head, and said that there will never be 100% trust again. Is that just him saying that now because he is still so hurt and upset? Or do you think that is truly how it will be?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why can’t he return now?


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Why can’t he return now?


It's a US/Canada border issue. He tried and they turned him away because they said he did not show sufficient evidence that he'd return.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sadpanda1 said:


> Ok, so I spoke with him and he is still pretty heated about the whole thing. It is not the issue that I declined is call or that I didn't tell him friends were coming over. He said it was those actions that made him now feel like he doesn't trust me anymore. Even though he wants to believe that I didn't do anything, those feeling of uncertainty are still lingering. I asked him to think about me, think about us and all that we have been through and to know in his heart that I wouldn't do anything. But he can't get that feeling out of his head, and said that there will never be 100% trust again. Is that just him saying that now because he is still so hurt and upset? Or do you think that is truly how it will be?


He has absolutely no reason not to trust you. Good grief, you didn't cheat. I see red flags here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sadpanda1 said:


> One of the issues he's dealing with is with his health. He has horrible headaches which pretty much debilitate him, and are triggered by weather change. Unfortunately where he currently is, the weather changes on a daily basis (usually winter/fall and spring) so he has been suffering a lot these past several month. He's mentioned to me before that it makes him incredibly depressed because when this happens to him, it basically makes him feel less of a man since he is completely useless. He also has pretty bad anxiety that he was working through, dealing with the death of his sister a few years ago. He actually worked through a lot of it while we were together, and has told me that his anxiety and depression went from 90% to about 5-10% during the time we've been together. The other issues are dealing with not being able to come back here with me, which adds to everything.


So is he having medical treatment? So does this mean he isnt working?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> Ok, so I spoke with him and he is still pretty heated about the whole thing. It is not the issue that I declined is call or that I didn't tell him friends were coming over. He said it was those actions that made him now feel like he doesn't trust me anymore. Even though he wants to believe that I didn't do anything, those feeling of uncertainty are still lingering. I asked him to think about me, think about us and all that we have been through and to know in his heart that I wouldn't do anything. But he can't get that feeling out of his head, and said that there will never be 100% trust again. Is that just him saying that now because he is still so hurt and upset? Or do you think that is truly how it will be?


I'm not sure I get what you are saying. In one sentence you say it wasn't because you declined his call or didn't tell him friends were coming over, then the next sentence you say it was those actions that broke his trust. That doesn't make any sense. 

Take him at his word, he won't ever trust you. Even though it was over basically nothing. It is an extreme over reaction on his part. I'll say it again, you are seeing who he is. Do you really want to be with an over reacting man that doesn't trust you. If his trust in you is shattered over something so minor, really it is over nothing at all, you are in for so much more of this over the long haul.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sadpanda1 said:


> Ok, so I spoke with him and he is still pretty heated about the whole thing. It is not the issue that I declined is call or that I didn't tell him friends were coming over. He said it was those actions that made him now feel like he doesn't trust me anymore. Even though he wants to believe that I didn't do anything, those feeling of uncertainty are still lingering. I asked him to think about me, think about us and all that we have been through and to know in his heart that I wouldn't do anything. But he can't get that feeling out of his head, and said that there will never be 100% trust again. Is that just him saying that now because he is still so hurt and upset? Or do you think that is truly how it will be?


I know you may not want to hear this but it sounds like he found someone else and you’re now someone he needs to break up with, but instead, he’s making it sound like you’ve done something irreparable, and that is the reason for the break up. You have done nothing wrong to be honest.

I would block his calls now and move on. Sorry you’re hurting though. Break ups are hard, even when you know it’s the right thing to do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

sadpanda1 said:


> It's a US/Canada border issue. He tried and they turned him away because they said he did not show sufficient evidence that he'd return.


How will that change by Nov?


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> How will that change by Nov?


He is working with immigration attorney and there are things you can apply for.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

sadpanda1 said:


> First off I want to apologize if I offend anyone on here with my posting of my boyfriend and not my husband. I know this is a marriage forum but I really have no where to turn to, and I truly feel like my boyfriend is my husband, and he feels the same. I have been dating my bf for 2 years. This past week I f'ed up and totally lost his trust. We are in a long distance relationship currently for the past 9 months, though we were physically together for the first 1 and 3 months. We talk and text every day, usually talking 4-7 times a day, every day. So the relationship has been as good as it can be for long-distance. We both have always trusted each other, always told each other what we were doing, planned on doing, etc. Last Thursday I had dinner with a couple of work friends. I had a few drinks at the restaurant and I'll admit that I was a bit more tipsy than I had anticipated since I haven't been drinking a lot due to stomach issues. I called my bf on the way home and talked about how crappy the food was, etc. Friends were coming back to my place for a couple more drinks, and I guess I failed to tell my bf that, or I told him I was going to drop something off to my son then head home (I only remember telling his this on the drive to the restaurant, not after) I honestly don't remember the conversation, except the beginning of it where I was talking about the food. There is absolutely no reason why I would lie to him about my friends coming over. I know that he wouldn't care so I would never lie about things like that. While we were back at my place, my friends and I had a couple glasses so of wine, and by this point I was pretty drunk. My bf called me twice and I declined his calls. I have no idea why I did that. I think it was probably because I didn't want to be rude to my guests, and figured I'd just call him back when they left. They were leaving shortly. I texted him a couple of minutes after he called me, and told him I was sorry I didn't pick up but I have my friends over. He was instantly pissed off. My friends left and I called him back, not thinking anything was wrong. He didn't answer my calls and finally did after several times calling. So from the time he initially called me to when I called him back, it was exactly 5 minutes. Long story short, he thinks I lied to him about not telling on the drive home that my friends were coming over, and that I was hiding something because I declined his calls. He said that I broke his trust. He is the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole on things, so I can imagine he thought the worst happened and just made it worse and worse. He has always told me from the beginning of our relationship that trust was the most important thing to him. He has other issues going on, some health and depression/anxiety. So basically, I was the glue holding him together and with what I did, I just destroyed him. I tried to apologize and explained my side of the story, but he just wasn't having it. The last time we spoke was on Saturday morning, and he said he needed time to think. He was supposed to call me yesterday (Tuesday), but I still have not heard from him. I am at a total loss here...I can't believe that our relationship can end on something like this. I am also so heartbroken that he would think I would do something like cheat on him. We have been through so much together. We are not young, we are both in our early 40s so this is not some immature relationship. I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and can't imagine life without him. I texted him today and asked if we can talk today and I did not get a response. He currently lives in Canada and I am in the states. I really want to fly up and see him to try to resolve this. Am I crazy?


Maybe, I sound crazy but if I were him, I would be more concerned that you were drinking and driving. The rest of it, I would be able to deal with. Most of us have done something just like you did and our relationships didn’t end as a result.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Would you consider yourself more of a 'catch' than he is?... maybe this comes down to a mismatch in perceived desirability to others and he is anxious about that.

Who calls who 5 times per day usually? Him calling you or vice versa or a mix? Potentially he has significant anxiety over losing you.


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## sadpanda1 (9 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Would you consider yourself more of a 'catch' than he is?... maybe this comes down to a mismatch in perceived desirability to others and he is anxious about that.
> 
> Who calls who 5 times per day usually? Him calling you or vice versa or a mix? Potentially he has significant anxiety over losing you.


I know I am a great catch and he knows it too. He has told me several times that I am on a level way beyond what his past girlfriends were. But I also think he is a great catch. He's amazing with my son, always thinks about others (besides this) his charm, humor, masculinity, caring nature. He really is one of those people that would give his shirt off his back. As for the calling, it's usually a mix. But lately I haven't been calling as much because I know he is dealing with his headaches, and he appreciated that. But I'd text, and he text, and he calls throughout the day.


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