# Wife asked me out on a date.



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I asked my wife how she was doing with her IC, and how she felt about me. She said she wasn't going to IC but was working on her problems, and she still couldn't trust me. Based on this I said I felt discussing divorce and getting the details worked out would be ok. Long story short, she started back pedaling. 

She then wrote me a note stating she was working on her issues, and sees me as the man she wants in her life. The last two years she has clearly said I am not the man she wants in her life. She stated she has trust issues with me and men in general, (another story), but is willing to try, with no guarantees. 

In the last week she: Asked me out on a date, which was plutonic, as expected. We left all the heavy crap aside for one night and tried to enjoy each other's company. Two days later, she starts a text conversation about what I'm doing, what she's doing, blah, blah, lol, lol, yada, yada, yada. She hasn't done that for two years. 

These are the first genuine gestures she has made in two years. I'm feeling confused as I'm ready for a divorce, and ready to find someone else. She pushed me that far away, and I'm ready to move on. I question whether I want to reconnect after two years of emotional pain. Six months ago I would have been crying with tears of happiness, now, I feel intrigued but indifferent. The next few months are going to be interesting. Is she really the person I want to be with after rediscovering myself during this low point of my life? Anyone else experience a possible turnaround with your spouse? What should I look out for?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Andy968 said:


> I asked my wife how she was doing with her IC, and how she felt about me. She said she wasn't going to IC but was working on her problems, and she still couldn't trust me. Based on this I said I felt discussing divorce and getting the details worked out would be ok. Long story short, she started back pedaling.
> 
> She then wrote me a note stating she was working on her issues, and sees me as the man she wants in her life. The last two years she has clearly said I am not the man she wants in her life. She stated she has trust issues with me and men in general, (another story), but is willing to try, with no guarantees.
> 
> ...


Look for backpedaling on her part.

The only way you can be certain she will own her part is if she actually continues to own it.

Our current story involves each of us sticking our toe in the water in situations where - previously - such gestures would be near emotional suicide. As it continues to generate a different and better response, the eggshells start going away.


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## Suncity (Jul 8, 2012)

EVery situation is different but it sounds like she may have been talking to someone else or seeing someone. They filled an emotional void, now she has stopped talking or seeing them and all of a sudden you are the one for her again because that other person is gone. She may have never learned to be alone and is trying to pull you back in which is alot easier than trying to become self stainable


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Interesting not many others have faced this situation. Maybe I'm the lucky one? 

I know there was and EA about two years ago. Pretty sure it ended then, but am I certain... no. During the last two years I haven't found any evidence of someone else, doesn't mean it's not happening though. 

I like the eggshell comment by C&J. Defineately feel like I'm about to step on some or make more.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Andy968 said:


> Interesting not many others have faced this situation. Maybe I'm the lucky one?
> 
> I know there was and EA about two years ago. Pretty sure it ended then, but am I certain... no. During the last two years I haven't found any evidence of someone else, doesn't mean it's not happening though.
> 
> I like the eggshell comment by C&J. Defineately feel like I'm about to step on some or make more.


How are you worse off with a toe in the water?

Observe what happens.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Andy,

After reading your post, I asked myself how I would feel if my husband asked me out. Like you, I think a few months ago I would have been jumping for joy. After your post, I've been seriously considering this same sinereo and now I'm not sure how elated I would feel now. My thoughts have been changing somewhat the past few weeks on and off. 

My assumption, your thougths now are part of the healing process. 

I hope what ever you decide and happens, is for the best for you.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> How are you worse off with a toe in the water?
> 
> Observe what happens.


My toe is in the water and I haven't taken it out. What I've observed: My wife has written me two very deep letters about what she is doing to work on her problems that contributed to our marriage. We have also had two very deep conversations about the same and one date night were we put our issues to the side, had a great dinner and watched the local fireworks show, and had a good time together. 

She has also stated she has seen the changes I have made and listed many of the new attributes I bring to the table that she wants in her partner. Many of these are results of self help books, counseling, journaling, learning to be comfortable by myself, TAM (thank you all), and realizing after two long hard years of tears, and gut wrenching despair, that I am ok on my own two feet by myself. I can make it if I have too. I think the No More Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome that I've tackled and continue to work on has helped me considerably here. 

I've also noticed the edge in her body language is gone towards me, and when she talks she expresses her feelings and wants my feedback which I am now able to give. The preverbial water isn't as cold or hot as I expected. She stated she wants to date and discuss our issues. For now, I'm keeping my tow in the water... maybe soon I can ease my foot in. Conrad (and welcome Janie), I will continue to observe.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi Andy,
> 
> After reading your post, I asked myself how I would feel if my husband asked me out. Like you, I think a few months ago I would have been jumping for joy. After your post, I've been seriously considering this same sinereo and now I'm not sure how elated I would feel now. My thoughts have been changing somewhat the past few weeks on and off.
> 
> My assumption, your thougths now are part of the healing process.


This is such an odd place to be for me now, and I think it caught me by surprise. I think you are spot on regarding the healing process, and it sounds like you are experiencing it too.

Thoughts such as this are so different from what I was thinking even two months ago. Although different and odd, they are not accompanied by emotional pain and despair. They truly have me at Conrad's 50,000 feet, yet still trying to put my "toe in the water" down on the surface. So far, can't say it isn't a bad thing. Time will tell. 

I hope your healing process is indeed moving to a good place for you as well. Thank you for your comment.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Andy968 said:


> My toe is in the water and I haven't taken it out. What I've observed: My wife has written me two very deep letters about what she is doing to work on her problems that contributed to our marriage. We have also had two very deep conversations about the same and one date night were we put our issues to the side, had a great dinner and watched the local fireworks show, and had a good time together.
> 
> She has also stated she has seen the changes I have made and listed many of the new attributes I bring to the table that she wants in her partner. Many of these are results of self help books, counseling, journaling, learning to be comfortable by myself, TAM (thank you all), and realizing after two long hard years of tears, and gut wrenching despair, that I am ok on my own two feet by myself. I can make it if I have too. I think the No More Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome that I've tackled and continue to work on has helped me considerably here.
> 
> I've also noticed the edge in her body language is gone towards me, and when she talks she expresses her feelings and wants my feedback which I am now able to give. The preverbial water isn't as cold or hot as I expected. She stated she wants to date and discuss our issues. For now, I'm keeping my tow in the water... maybe soon I can ease my foot in. Conrad (and welcome Janie), I will continue to observe.


Andy,

Well done.

Full speed ahead!


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