# My gf and daughter not getting along



## M042

So, I will try to make this short. 
I am 46, divorced 4 years, 10D and 6S, I have split custody. Dated my gf for since last april-- about 10 months now-- she has 3 daughters, 2, 6 and 8. She has full custody and they have not seen their father but a few times in the last 3 months or so as he has no job and drinking issues so he can only have them supervised-- meaning when his mom is in town and can be there too. 

She was only divorced a few months before we met (OLD). Went 3-4 months before kids met her, and at first both were excited to spend time with her and have her over. With 5 kids there are often little fights/squabbles, at first her oldest daughter, being heavily influenced by her dad (last fall they were seeing him more regularly) showed a lot of anger and didn't want me around, etc. After she got to know me she told her mom I am actually pretty nice. 

Anyway, my oldest daughter admittedly can be difficult. She started acting differently when gf and I spent about 5 day vacay in FL. Daughter started showing jealousy and often says I love gf more than her-- she is a total daddy's girl. She also made it harder when all the kids were together by throwing tantrums if she didn't get her way, even calling people (usually me) names that are not appropriate. Admittedly I am embarrassed by this and have been working really hard to get her to be at the very least respectful. Also of course I try to reassure her that I DO still love her as much as always. There have been a few pretty ugly scenes. 

GF is a really good person, very strong faith, and has brought a lot of good things to my life. She has tried to be patient as I work with D to make our get togethers more fun and less tension with my daughter, who often is just mad much of the time. It is to the point now though, that while I love the time that gf and I get alone-- we feel connected and have the same interests and talk for hours-- the time with her and my kids or all of us together now stresses me out. 

Last night, my kids with their mom and gf kids with their grandmother. We talked about Ash Wednesday. GF wants to go to mass with me and when I said D may want to go even though she is with her mom that night. First gf said ok yeah. Then a few mins later she admitted she would rather go with just me b/c I will have my kids the weekend after and we will not get any alone time. I told her I am not sure if D will even want to go and didn't think too much of it, though it did bother me slightly that she didn't want my D to go. 

This morning, ex texts me about kids and says that by the way, D wants to go with you to church on Ash Wednesday. I emailed gf to let her know and even through email I could tell she was mad. She wants to go with me alone. GF does try to be happy, loving and caring but I can also see her anger at my D under the surface-- that she is not always respectful. 

After a couple emails, gf ended one with:
I want to see her as the beautiful girl, heart and mind, that she is. But sometimes it's so hard for me not to just see her as spoiled and controlling. I'm so sorry I feel that way. I've been praying for God to change my attitude as I know it is not helpful. 


This is just the culmination of me feeling very much in the middle of two females-- one child and one woman-- who are in a way fighting over me. 

It will be easy to say, move on, red flag, run and so on. I get that. However, do I let a 10 year old acting poorly determine the direction of my life? Not sure what to do on this. I would be ok either way.


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## Bananapeel

So, this all depends on what your values and priorities are. Personally, I went through something somewhat similar last year. I had been dating a woman for about a year and we had opposite kid schedules so it required a sitter to go out. My kids told me that they really wanted me spending all my available time with them when they were with me, but they were quite nice about it and said they wanted me to be happy and didn't want to get in the way of my dating. So I chatted with the woman I had been dating and found out her kids felt the same way and we stopped going out, despite having really amazing chemistry and a great time dating each other. FYI-neither of us had met the other's kids. My priorities are my kids are #1 and no woman is going to come in and change that. However, a woman can come in and work within my parental constraints, if that suits her relationship desires. So now I only date women that have availability to go out around my kid schedule because I won't let anyone I date meet my kids or be involved in their lives (this could change in the future but only with the right person). My recommendation for you is to look at your priorities and realize that a GF is a step below your kids and you should be strong enough to instill that as a boundary. Don't be wishy washy and let the GF have a say in your parenting or your priorities, instead try to find someone that respects and shares those values. If you are honest with your GF you might find out she will accommodate that, but if she won't it is better to find out now before you cause relationship harm with your kids. Remember, when you are old your kids are going to pick which nursing home you end up in and odds are your GF won't be part of your life then.


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## M042

how old are your kids? 

Honestly, the only real issue is with my 10 year old daughter. The other my son LIKES having her and her daughters around, and her girls are usually the same.


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## Bananapeel

9 and 11. 

And that "only" issue is a huge one. What are your priorities? Your GF or your daughter? While you are thinking about this subject make sure you don't live with your GF. That will just compound the issue. 

What I do is I keep my dating life and parenting life completely separate from each other. This way I can be a dad to my kids and give them 100% attention, and I can also have adult time without these issues. It also conveys my boundaries to the women I date, so I don't have to deal with any competition between GF and kids.


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## Tron

While I agree that your kids come first before GF, I am surprised you find your daughter's tactics of manipulation acceptable.

You need to figure that out and deal with it. Maybe some IC for D...


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## M042

Bananapeel said:


> 9 and 11.
> 
> And that "only" issue is a huge one. What are your priorities? Your GF or your daughter? While you are thinking about this subject make sure you don't live with your GF. That will just compound the issue.
> 
> What I do is I keep my dating life and parenting life completely separate from each other. This way I can be a dad to my kids and give them 100% attention, and I can also have adult time without these issues. It also conveys my boundaries to the women I date, so I don't have to deal with any competition between GF and kids.


I guess that is fine if you do not intend to ever have a true partner and/or get married again. My gf and I both do want that-- we do not know for sure if with each other but that is WHY we are dating. Certainly when we met we did it without the kids involved, and when I had my kids I didn't plan adult activities. If you are dating with the purpose we both are, then there comes a time to spend time with each others' kids. 

I think the whole concept of 'your gf or your daughter' is a lose-lose. I am very concerned about this, nowhere near living together, but again, not willing to let my daughter decide if/when/who I will date and/or marry.


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## M042

Tron said:


> While I agree that your kids come first before GF, I am surprised you find your daughter's tactics of manipulation acceptable.
> 
> You need to figure that out and deal with it. Maybe some IC for D...


no, I do not and have been working very hard on it. there has been improvement, but it is not linear. many ups and downs. Counseling is definitely on the table.


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## zookeeper

You may not like the idea of choosing, but it may be forced upon you. Trying to please both will most likely satisfy none, yourself included.


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## M042

zookeeper said:


> You may not like the idea of choosing, but it may be forced upon you. Trying to please both will most likely satisfy none, yourself included.


Why, with reasonable adults who want the best, would there be no alternative?


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## MJJEAN

M042 said:


> Why, with reasonable adults who want the best, would there be no alternative?


Because adults have needs and if their needs aren't being met, they tend to move on in search of someone who can meet those needs. Sometimes, the compromises and reasonable solutions available simply aren't enough.

Get this behavior under control or you very well may lose your GF.

Things sure have changed. When I was a kid and then raising my own kids, woe unto the child who disrespected a grown adult. Any grown adult. The banhammer would be brought down. Banned from outside, banned from TV, banned from friends, etc.


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## EleGirl

M042 said:


> This is just the culmination of me feeling very much in the *middle of two females*-- one child and one woman-- who are in a way fighting over me.
> 
> It will be easy to say, move on, red flag, run and so on. I get that. However, do I let a 10 year old acting poorly determine the direction of my life? Not sure what to do on this. I would be ok either way.


Your children come first before anyone you date. After all they are dependent on your and you had them before you met this woman. But what does children come first really mean? It means that you do what is best for your children.

Giving in to your daughter's aggressive manipulation is not what's best for her.

Part of your problem is that you see this as a cat fight between two females... which is a pretty typical way of dismissing females. It's not a cat fight between females. It's your daughter misbehaving. Your daughter does not have to like your gf, but your stance should be that she has to treat others with respect.

I married a guy who had two children SD age 10 and SD age 12. We all got along great while we dated. But once we were married and all living together (husband had 100% custody), my two step children started acting the way your daughter does towards me. Their father and I acted as a unit on this... they did not have to love me and my son. But they had to treat everyone in the household with respect. That's the bottom line.

Your girlfriend is not the problem here. She is reacting in a very normal way to a child who is being aggressive and manipulative. Why on earth would she want to be around your child? 

You on the other hand are not handling the situation with your daughter very well. No child should be allowed to disrupt things this way. You really need to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about her bad behavior. Children tend to act out their feelings. So maybe she needs to go to counseling to learn to identify and verbalize her feelings so she can learn to handle them in a better way. You could also plan some one-on-one time with just your daughter doing special things to help her realize that you having a woman in your life does not mean that you do not love her. There is a different between indulging bad behavior and recognizing it as a warning sign and helping your children learn to handle the source of the problem. Right now you are indulging her bad behavior.

Since you view your girlfriend as a potential partner, you need to be working with her as partners in parenting. May as well start learning how to do this now while you are dating. There are some good books on Amazon (or any other bookstore) that have good info about step parenting and blending families. It takes about 5 years for a family to work out it's issues and become a strongly blended family. Until that happens there are going to be hiccups. This is only the first of many that will come up. If you cannot work with her as a partnership, then just date women and forget the whole idea of remarrying because children will make it hell. This is exactly why 70% of 2nd marriages with children end in divorce... the children and parents who indulge poorly behaved children.


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## Diana7

Trying to merge 2 families is always a real challenge. I am fortunate in that when we met and married, our children were all just about adults, youngest was 17, one 18 and the others older. 
My daughters were none to happy with a new man in their lives, their dad had hurt them badly and they had no contact with him, and they were more than happy with no man around. They didn't trust men much at that time. 

Neither of us were interested in casual dating, we both wanted to marry, so we did meet each others children very quickly. My now husband was so patient with my daughters(my son has left home by then and liked him anyway) who while they are polite and nice girls, were very cool with him and if he was there spent most of the time in their rooms. He never gave up and they gradually grew to trust him and like him. Now they have a really good relationship with him. He is the only dad they have, and takes his role seriously. 

I don't think that you should have to end a relationship with what is clearly a nice lady, and you may need to be firm about the rudeness and bad behaviour while giving her a lot of reassurance. I don't think we can let children dictate whether we can marry someone or not, after all one day they will be gone and have their own lives, but maybe take it very slowly and don't force them all to have to be together too much. See her more when you don't have the children for now. 

Your daughter may have still been hoping that you and her mother may get back together, many children do apparently, and she sees the girlfriend as taking away that chance. 

Must admit I was relieved that my husband had 2 sons, they didn't have any of that jealousy thing.


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## M042

EleGirl said:


> Your children come first before anyone you date. After all they are dependent on your and you had them before you met this woman. But what does children come first really mean? It means that you do what is best for your children.
> 
> Giving in to your daughter's aggressive manipulation is not what's best for her.
> 
> Part of your problem is that you see this as a cat fight between two females... which is a pretty typical way of dismissing females. It's not a cat fight between females. It's your daughter misbehaving. Your daughter does not have to like your gf, but your stance should be that she has to treat others with respect.
> 
> I married a guy who had two children SD age 10 and SD age 12. We all got along great while we dated. But once we were married and all living together (husband had 100% custody), my two step children started acting the way your daughter does towards me. Their father and I acted as a unit on this... they did not have to love me and my son. But they had to treat everyone in the household with respect. That's the bottom line.
> 
> Your girlfriend is not the problem here. She is reacting in a very normal way to a child who is being aggressive and manipulative. Why on earth would she want to be around your child?
> 
> You on the other hand are not handling the situation with your daughter very well. No child should be allowed to disrupt things this way. You really need to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about her bad behavior. Children tend to act out their feelings. So maybe she needs to go to counseling to learn to identify and verbalize her feelings so she can learn to handle them in a better way. You could also plan some one-on-one time with just your daughter doing special things to help her realize that you having a woman in your life does not mean that you do not love her. There is a different between indulging bad behavior and recognizing it as a warning sign and helping your children learn to handle the source of the problem. Right now you are indulging her bad behavior.
> 
> Since you view your girlfriend as a potential partner, you need to be working with her as partners in parenting. May as well start learning how to do this now while you are dating. There are some good books on Amazon (or any other bookstore) that have good info about step parenting and blending families. It takes about 5 years for a family to work out it's issues and become a strongly blended family. Until that happens there are going to be hiccups. This is only the first of many that will come up. If you cannot work with her as a partnership, then just date women and forget the whole idea of remarrying because children will make it hell. This is exactly why 70% of 2nd marriages with children end in divorce... the children and parents who indulge poorly behaved children.


Well, I do believe this is mostly on me, and am trying to figure out how to move forward and make it better. As far as having a heart to heart-- it comes down to this (for her): you love her more than you love me. It is jealous and manipulative. I am working to make sure she is ALWAYS respectful but it has been a long road-- there has been improvement but not enough for sure. 

What kinds of discipline do you recommend when she acts poorly, is disrespectful, etc? Both 'in the moment' and later..?

The gf and I each have a copy of a Ron Deal book on blended families and it has definitely helped us see the challenges.


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## Livvie

Married intact family parents do things without the children. Have special times for just the two of them. Go on week long adults only vacations. Divorced parents have the same needs for alone time together.

Eventually your children grow up and leave and have their own lives. Heck, that starts when they are teens!! They will totally abandon you for times with their own friends!!


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## Bananapeel

It sounds like from your tone that you aren't really looking for opinions, just validation of choosing your GF over your daughter, which I disagree with. This issue is not about disciplining your daughter. It's about making her feel like she's a priority, and showing her that your new GF is not going to influence the relationship your daughter expects with her dad. That's why your daughter is acting out. If she felt secure in her relationship with you and didn't worry about the new GF taking your time and attention away from her, then none of this would be an issue. Her insecurity is likely borne out of the divorce which shook up her world. That's why it's best to focus on the kids. Once they feel secure then these types of issues don't happen. It's a lot easier to give in and let your child feel special than fight and have a contentious issue with your daughter for the next 8 years. IMO you're making a pretty severe parenting mistake. You should only consider bringing another GF/family into your life after your current family dynamic is solid. 

I tell and show my kids all the time that they are my #1 priority. I have no doubts that if I brought a GF into our family that they'd treat her with respect because from my actions they would not feel that their relationship with their dad would be threatened by another person being added to our family. I'd also make sure the GF knew to show the kids they were her #1 priority too, so that the kids benefited from having her in their lives.


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## M042

My daughter gets a ton of attention from me. She always has. I am not picking one over the other, I am trying to find ways to make it work better for all of us.


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## Bananapeel

But for a child of divorce she needs to feel like you would pick her. She needs that security in her life to be able to welcome a new female in.

Edit: from a child psychology point of view, if she knew that you WOULD pick her she probably would never ask you to choose!


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## Satya

Keep doing what you're doing if you want to lose your GF.

I think you're also mistaken about two women "fighting" for you. Your daughter will fight tooth and nail for your attention. Because she's your daughter and her attitude is about winning.
Your girlfriend, if a sensible woman (which she seems to be), will know when it's a lost cause, and when to walk away. Because she's older, wiser, and her attitude is about wanting you to put your foot down. She'll lose respect for you eventually... in fact, she already seems to be. Hence why she has started to ask if you can possibly survive going to one Mass without your daughter in tow.

It sounds like you don't like or want to discipline your daughter. That's your choice. The reason many young women grow to have daddy issues is because daddy never taught them the meaning of boundaries.

ETA: Your daughter doesn't have to like your GF, but she does have to respect the fact that YOU do. And live with it.
The same goes for your GF - she has to respect that your daughter is in your life and will always be in your life. In moderation.


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## Primrose

I'm a firm believer that children of divorce can never go wrong with some IC. My oldest (who was 9 when his father and I divorced) needed it. He was in IC (also play therapy) for nearly a year and it was the best thing I could have done for him. Before the divorce, I had never seen any angry outbursts from him. Afterward he began taking out his insecurities on anyone in his path- even his school teachers! He would even break down in class, crying, telling the teacher how his dad left his mom for another woman and he "didn't want a new mom".  Even though my ex and I did all we could to encourage our children and make them feel safe within our new normal, they still struggled. That's where counseling came in. He went to several sessions alone and then, once he felt ready to truly express his fears to either myself or my ex, we began attending with him (one session would be with me, the next with his dad, etc). 

I do not think this has to become a battle of choice. It's always important to make sure you give your daughter plenty of quality time, but not without the expectation of giving respect to the other adult in your life. She does need guidance, but she also needs firm boundaries. Which leads me to the possibility that your daughter also may be reacting to the negativity that her own mother instills in her. If she is constantly talking down on your new gf, of course it's going to sway your little girl into mimicking similar ideologies and opinions. She probably feels she is betraying her mother if she is kind and accepting of your girlfriend. 

With that said, I do believe your girlfriend is entitled to some alone time with you as well. How often do the two of you go on dates?


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## EleGirl

M042 said:


> Well, I do believe this is mostly on me, and am trying to figure out how to move forward and make it better. As far as having a heart to heart-- it comes down to this (for her): you love her more than you love me. It is jealous and manipulative. I am working to make sure she is ALWAYS respectful but it has been a long road-- there has been improvement but not enough for sure.
> 
> What kinds of discipline do you recommend when she acts poorly, is disrespectful, etc? Both 'in the moment' and later..?
> 
> The gf and I each have a copy of a Ron Deal book on blended families and it has definitely helped us see the challenges.


I think that what you describe is serious and you need help from a counselor who can talk to your daughter, you and your gf. You need the help of someone who can talk to your daughter and figure out why your daughter is having this problem and how to help her. And this person needs to talk to you too as you are unique too.

Each child is different. You have 3 children and only one of them is acting this way. She has some need/issue that the others do not seem to have.


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## Rhubarb

MJJEAN said:


> Things sure have changed. When I was a kid and then raising my own kids, woe unto the child who disrespected a grown adult. Any grown adult. The banhammer would be brought down. Banned from outside, banned from TV, banned from friends, etc.


While this in principal might be a good idea, it can be nearly impossible to implement with split custody. The Ex has to be fully on board for it to work.


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## frusdil

MJJEAN said:


> Things sure have changed. *When I was a kid and then raising my own kids, woe unto the child who disrespected a grown adult. Any grown adult. The banhammer would be brought down. Banned from outside, banned from TV, banned from friends, etc.[*/QUOTE]
> 
> Same. Nowadays it's all mamby pamby, diddy boo boo parenting. God forbid kids get pulled up for bad behaviour! And face consequences! Oh no, can't have that!
> 
> 
> 
> M042 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I do believe this is mostly on me, and am trying to figure out how to move forward and make it better. As far as having a heart to heart-- it comes down to this (for her): you love her more than you love me. It is jealous and manipulative. I am working to make sure she is ALWAYS respectful but it has been a long road-- there has been improvement but not enough for sure.
> 
> What kinds of discipline do you recommend when she acts poorly, is disrespectful, etc? Both 'in the moment' and later..?
> 
> The gf and I each have a copy of a Ron Deal book on blended families and it has definitely helped us see the challenges.
> 
> 
> 
> That's because it is jealous and manipulative. She's 10. She shouldn't have this much power or control. When she is disrespectful to your gf do you enforce a consequence? Send her to her room? Take her phone? What's her currency? That's what you need to find out.
> 
> If she disrespects your gf when you're out, either remove her from the activity to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun, or tell her "Because you were rude, when we get home you will go straight to bed/not go to the party tommorrow/etc." and then follow through. Honestly, it's not that difficult (well, it is...but it must be done). It will likely get worse before it gets better because she's been allowed to get away with this for so long. The tantrums will get louder and last longer before they stop, because she's going to push back. The boundary must be held to.
> 
> In regard to Ash Wednesday, I would arrange to go with your gf, tell your daughter you'd love to take her with the two of you. If she chucks a tanty or tells you "If she goes, I won't" then she doesn't go. Simple.
> 
> The problem isn't your gf, or your daughter. It's you. You yourself admit your daughter is difficult. Why would your gf want to be around her? Fair enough, your daughter doesn't have to like her, but she DOES have to treat her with respect as a human being and part of your life. The same she would anyone else.
> 
> If you let her drive your gf away, she'll do it to the next woman and the one after that too.
> 
> I say all of this as a loving, devoted and proud stepmum
Click to expand...


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## MJJEAN

Rhubarb said:


> While this in principal might be a good idea, it can be nearly impossible to implement with split custody. The Ex has to be fully on board for it to work.


Not impossible at all. My ex wasn't involved with the kids, so I never had this problem. I have watched a few friends go through this, though, and the solution they each used was to simply enforce their punishment during their parenting time. For example, Mom has Kid 3 days a week. Kid gets into trouble and is grounded from the TV for 10 days. For the next 10 days at Moms house Kid cannot watch TV..



frusdil said:


> MJJEAN said:
> 
> 
> 
> Things sure have changed. *When I was a kid and then raising my own kids, woe unto the child who disrespected a grown adult. Any grown adult. The banhammer would be brought down. Banned from outside, banned from TV, banned from friends, etc.[*
> 
> 
> 
> Same. Nowadays it's all mamby pamby, diddy boo boo parenting. God forbid kids get pulled up for bad behaviour! And face consequences! Oh no, can't have that!
Click to expand...

When I was young and when my kids were young, anyone who acted badly got pulled up on the spot. Sometimes just a word or two, sometimes being removed from the fun to sit in the car with one of my parents, sometimes extended punishments like being grounded to the house, my room, or from something I liked. No matter what, there was always a consequence for bad behavior and it was usually immediate.


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## MrsHolland

You have only been dating 10 months, why the need to have so much time together with kids and GF? 

Going against the popular opinion here but to me it seems you have chosen your GF over your daughter and she knows it. 

Your GF doesn't sounds all that respectful TBH, as an adult and a parent she should see that this is causing stress for you and your daughter and take a step back. The email she sent sounds like she isn't such a nice, caring person.

Maybe try putting your kids first for awhile, you have a responsibility to parent them. Spend time with the GF without the kids around.

Children of divorce have enough to go through without their parents adding more on top.


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## Bananapeel

I agree with @MrsHolland . The usual thing I tell women I date is that I won't even consider introducing them to my kids until we've been dating 6-12 months. This also allows us more time alone to really get to know each other and to make sure we're past the infatuation part of the relationship. I'm a firm believer that people can hide who they really are for the beginning of a relationship, so you need to be very careful about that time and not bring people into your children's lives that you might not have around long term. It's also much easier to break up with someone if you haven't met each other's kids. I know this doesn't directly apply to your situation but it would be good advice for the future if things don't work with this women.


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## MrsHolland

M042 said:


> I guess that is fine if you do not intend to ever have a true partner and/or get married again. *My gf and I both do want that-- we do not know for sure if with each other but that is WHY we are dating. *Certainly when we met we did it without the kids involved, and when I had my kids I didn't plan adult activities. If you are dating with the purpose we both are, then there comes a time to spend time with each others' kids.
> 
> I think the whole concept of 'your gf or your daughter' is a lose-lose. I am very concerned about this, nowhere near living together, but again, not willing to let my daughter decide if/when/who I will date and/or marry.


Until you know that a relationship is really serious and has a future then IME things go much more smoothly and have less drama to leave the kids out of it. We have a blended family with 5 kids (plus an add on now as well. Youngest was 12 when we first met and while we met each others children at the 12 month mark, it was 3 years before it was on a regular basis. All the kids knew we were dating but we did not force them into our world, we let our relationships with them grow slowly.

If MrH had something important on with his kids then I took a step back and he did the same. If we had to change plans or not see each other for a weekend because something came up with then kids then so be it.

7 years down the track and there has not been one argument with any of the kids in regard to their step parent, no tantrums and all 5 of them not only get along well with their step parent but the group of them have become good friends. We took it slow and respectfully and it has paid off.
The biggest issue we had was becoming the Brady Bunch and getting the housework under control, took 3 months, a roster, being respectful of everyone and now we have a household that runs smoothly with everyone doing their share. 

There is no need to rush and push kids into being with a new partner and their kids.


ETA: my ex did what you have done with his first GF post divorce (it ended and he has not repartnered). After a very short time all the kids were introduced and forced to spend their weekends with the GF and her 3 kids. Was a complete disaster and my D12 was playing up like your daughter is. She hated the fact that they had to spend time with the GF and kids when it should have been time with her dad. She IS NOT a controlling or manipulative person but she was drowning under the weight of the situation and her dad treated her like she was being naughty, no understanding of what she was dealing with.

She confided in me how she felt about it all. Her dad is not very emotionally intelligent and instead of working it out in a reasonable and respectful way he just kept forcing her to have to be with people that to her were invading her life. Was a disaster and his relationship did not last. In complete contrast she never had any problem bonding with her step dad. Just because a child is young does not mean they don't deserve to be treated with respect.


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## Diana7

Not everyone wants to date for years and years before they get married. We married after 9 months so we met each others children early on. Not introducing children for a year seems bizarre to me.

For me my children were part of my life and any man had to accept that early on. I wanted to see how he acted with them and how he treated them before I got too involved, and I also wanted to meet his children which I did after 3 or 4 weeks. 
Even if it is left for that length of time the issues of introduction are still the same.


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## cc48kel

My niece had a problem when my brother began dating his girlfriend. She understood that they were dating but STILL wanted HER time with her dad. Does every weekend have to be spent with GF and all 5 kids? It could be just 'too much' for her. I think as long as you give your daughter alone time (dates with her), it should be fine. Keep talking with her and I'm sure she'll become more comfortable. 

Just keep dating and see how this goes. She has her place and you have yours.


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## MrsHolland

Diana7 said:


> Not everyone wants to date for years and years before they get married. We married after 9 months so we met each others children early on. Not introducing children for a year seems bizarre to me.
> 
> For me my children were part of my life and any man had to accept that early on. I wanted to see how he acted with them and how he treated them before I got too involved, and I also wanted to meet his children which I did after 3 or 4 weeks.
> Even if it is left for that length of time the issues of introduction are still the same.


Well as you are not a professional in this area I can see why you may think it is "bizarre" to hold off introducing kids too soon. We sought professional guidance and so far all has worked out well.

Your take on life is skewed by your religious issues, not everyone (in fact I would guess the very small minority) wait for marriage to have sex especially post divorce, mid life. Many of us don't rush to get married 9 months after meeting someone particularly as it takes 3 years ish (according to the professionals) to really get to know a new partner. It would be irresponsible parenting to introduce too early especially with young children (yours were older so the issues are different). 

OP the two biggest reasons for second marriages failing are issues around money and children. MrH and I are in the absolute minority of successful blended families but we are not delusional and know life can change, so many personalities involved, ex's, kids new partners etc so it is a situation we keep ahead of. The number one reason we have been successful is because we did not rush things, we gave all of the kids time and space, we proved to them we were a serious LTR. This resulted in all of them going with the flow and living reasonably harmoniously under one roof. 

Red flag in your post was your GF having to pray for help in dealing with your daughter, if she were a better person she would not need to pray for help, she would just be a good enough person to start with. Is she going to cop out with all the other child related issues that will come up rely on her external belief system to be able to deal with your kids? Seriously not someone that I would trust with my children. She is either able to deal with life as it is thrown at us or she isn't. Sounds very flakey to me.


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## M042

frusdil said:


> MJJEAN said:
> 
> 
> 
> Things sure have changed. *When I was a kid and then raising my own kids, woe unto the child who disrespected a grown adult. Any grown adult. The banhammer would be brought down. Banned from outside, banned from TV, banned from friends, etc.[*/QUOTE]
> 
> Same. Nowadays it's all mamby pamby, diddy boo boo parenting. God forbid kids get pulled up for bad behaviour! And face consequences! Oh no, can't have that!
> 
> 
> 
> That's because it is jealous and manipulative. She's 10. She shouldn't have this much power or control. When she is disrespectful to your gf do you enforce a consequence? Send her to her room? Take her phone? What's her currency? That's what you need to find out.
> 
> If she disrespects your gf when you're out, either remove her from the activity to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun, or tell her "Because you were rude, when we get home you will go straight to bed/not go to the party tommorrow/etc." and then follow through. Honestly, it's not that difficult (well, it is...but it must be done). It will likely get worse before it gets better because she's been allowed to get away with this for so long. The tantrums will get louder and last longer before they stop, because she's going to push back. The boundary must be held to.
> 
> In regard to Ash Wednesday, I would arrange to go with your gf, tell your daughter you'd love to take her with the two of you. If she chucks a tanty or tells you "If she goes, I won't" then she doesn't go. Simple.
> 
> The problem isn't your gf, or your daughter. It's you. You yourself admit your daughter is difficult. Why would your gf want to be around her? Fair enough, your daughter doesn't have to like her, but she DOES have to treat her with respect as a human being and part of your life. The same she would anyone else.
> 
> If you let her drive your gf away, she'll do it to the next woman and the one after that too.
> 
> I say all of this as a loving, devoted and proud stepmum
> 
> 
> 
> yes I definitely agree with a lot of this. I did tell her that gf and I are going to mass Ash Wednesday (this evening) and we would like if she came with us. This was last Sunday. She got very upset, angry. But then on Monday she said she does want to come with us.
> 
> She then, both last night and this morning, asked very respectfully if we could have just one weekend with 'just us'-- her, her brother and me.
> 
> My gf happened to email this AM asking what the weekend would look like. I told her that I need to spend some time with my kids (I do-- last weekend they were with their mom and the weekend before that we did spend a lot of time with gf and her daughters). She was upset I think. She called and we talked and she said that she only wanted her opinion heard, that she thinks it is good that I spend time w/ my kids-- she wants me to ask her thoughts on the weekend before I tell her "this is what I am doing, take it or leave it".
> 
> So, in effect, I feel tension on two fronts.
> 
> I saw in the other post where Mrs Holland questions the gf integrity. I can understand, and appreciate the overall thoughts, but she has been a teacher for about 15 years and deals with children (obviously) daily. In addition, she has worked in a very difficult area for this, and for several years done ESL with young refugees who have just arrived here and typically no way to communicate. She also has full custody of 3 young, and really wonderful (not perfect but great) girls.
> 
> As far as praying...we both are faithful people. We are not perfect either but prayer is something we believe in so for her to say that is not surprising-- I think she prays about just about everything.
Click to expand...


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## Tron

I think you are being a bit naive about your gf. What has her job of teaching ESL to refugees got to do with this? She is a teacher who gets paid to teach. No more no less. It doesn't garner any points with me to indicate she is more or less empathetic towards your relationship with your kids or your daughter specifically. 

Maybe I am a bit off base here, but you aren't married to this gf. You aren't even engaged, and yet she wants you to run your schedule through her for approval. That is reason #1 why you are feeling tension on "two fronts". 

Your gf is wedging. That is not cool! 

The easy way to get rid of the tension on the gf front is by getting rid of the gf and putting your focus where it needs to be; on your family.


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## M042

Tron said:


> I think you are being a bit naive about your gf. What has her job of teaching ESL to refugees got to do with this? She is a teacher who gets paid to teach. No more no less. It doesn't garner any points with me to indicate she is more or less empathetic towards your relationship with your kids or your daughter specifically.
> 
> Maybe I am a bit off base here, but you aren't married to this gf. You aren't even engaged, and yet she wants you to run your schedule through her for approval. That is reason #1 why you are feeling tension on "two fronts".
> 
> Your gf is wedging. That is not cool!
> 
> The easy way to get rid of the tension on the gf front is by getting rid of the gf and putting your focus where it needs to be; on your family.


The stuff about what my gf does was in response to the messages about her praying and that other poster who claimed she would not trust kids w/ her. 

I am not sure what you mean by 'wedging'. I do not believe she would intentionally create a dysfunctional situation as she wants a committed relationship that includes spending time with our kids. She possibly is doing it but it is not on purpose, and yes it seems like she wants to know my schedule. We have gotten pretty serious but this has been a problem-- I am ok with talking about our schedule but I feel tension when she wants time w me and I feel like I need to take time alone or with the kids. 

Her claim is that she feels unheard or that her thoughts and feelings-- regarding how the weekend should look, for example-- do not matter to me.

Thoughts?


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## Tron

Maybe it is innocent, but the gf is either intentionally or unintentionally putting herself in the middle of your relationship with your daughter. It IS creating a problem if you are feeling tension. It IS creating a problem if your daughter is feeling tension and acting out. 

Your daughter just asked you for a weekend alone without the gf and all her baggage. 

What does that tell you? 

To whom do you owe undivided loyalty?


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## M042

Tron said:


> Maybe it is innocent, but the gf is either intentionally or unintentionally putting herself in the middle of your relationship with your daughter. It IS creating a problem if you are feeling tension. It IS creating a problem if your daughter is feeling tension and acting out.
> 
> Your daughter just asked you for a weekend alone without the gf and all her baggage.
> 
> What does that tell you?
> 
> To whom do you owe undivided loyalty?


I need to take care of my kids of course. I am trying to figure out if this can still work though. And yes I did tell the gf that I was going to spend time with the kids this weekend-- did not tell her the D asked for it specifically as I do not want to create any further resentment on either side.


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## cc48kel

I think that's a great plan this weekend... You spending time alone with your kids!! And you need to keep doing that going forward. Your kids don't see you all the time so when they get to spend time with you, it needs to be quality time! But you still need to talk with her about your gf and let her know how you feel. Perhaps the next weekend all 7 of you can do an 'outing' one day instead of all weekend-- or just dinner at your house. I really think that it was too much for her on your weekends.


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## Tron

Thing is...the gf should not have any resentment for you spending time with your kids. 

It is definitely something you need to figure out. Because if she does, then gf is not a keeper.


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## M042

Tron said:


> Thing is...the gf should not have any resentment for you spending time with your kids.
> 
> It is definitely something you need to figure out. Because if she does, then gf is not a keeper.


yes, I do agree and expressed that in an email. As I think about it, I am concerned that she has only been divorced a year and maybe relying too much on me emotionally as she does seem to get upset when we are not able to spend a lot of time together in a given week.


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## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> Well as you are not a professional in this area I can see why you may think it is "bizarre" to hold off introducing kids too soon. We sought professional guidance and so far all has worked out well.
> 
> Your take on life is skewed by your religious issues, not everyone (in fact I would guess the very small minority) wait for marriage to have sex especially post divorce, mid life. Many of us don't rush to get married 9 months after meeting someone particularly as it takes 3 years ish (according to the professionals) to really get to know a new partner. It would be irresponsible parenting to introduce too early especially with young children (yours were older so the issues are different).
> 
> OP the two biggest reasons for second marriages failing are issues around money and children. MrH and I are in the absolute minority of successful blended families but we are not delusional and know life can change, so many personalities involved, ex's, kids new partners etc so it is a situation we keep ahead of. The number one reason we have been successful is because we did not rush things, we gave all of the kids time and space, we proved to them we were a serious LTR. This resulted in all of them going with the flow and living reasonably harmoniously under one roof.
> 
> Red flag in your post was your GF having to pray for help in dealing with your daughter, if she were a better person she would not need to pray for help, she would just be a good enough person to start with. Is she going to cop out with all the other child related issues that will come up rely on her external belief system to be able to deal with your kids? Seriously not someone that I would trust with my children. She is either able to deal with life as it is thrown at us or she isn't. Sounds very flakey to me.


We didn't 'rush' into anything. I knew within a week that he was an amazing man and that I wanted to marry him. I would have married him sooner. Whether we have been married before makes no different to how we act, and once we knew we wanted to be together there was no point in waiting for years at the age we were then. I don't agree with the professionals that it takes 3 years to get to know people. If you know you know. 
Yes my children were older when we met(17, 21 and 24), but the younger 2 were still at home so saw him a lot from early on. 

if people just want casual relationships then of course there is no point in introducing them to the children at all.


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## Tron

M042 said:


> yes, I do agree and expressed that in an email. As I think about it, I am concerned that she has only been divorced a year and maybe relying too much on me emotionally as she does seem to get upset when we are not able to spend a lot of time together in a given week.


Maybe some red flags here...or at the very least a few yellow flags.

Would you like to talk about it? 

1 year is not very far out of a divorce.

Have you read up on co-dependence?


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## Satya

M042 said:


> I need to take care of my kids of course. I am trying to figure out if this can still work though. And yes I did tell the gf that I was going to spend time with the kids this weekend-- *did not tell her the D asked for it specifically as I do not want to create any further resentment on either side.*


I know you don't see it this way, but you've just basically admitted that you're afraid of your girlfriend. That fear is holding back your truth to her, which you should have NO fear of admitting confidently when it comes to YOUR CHILDREN.

Your children need to know where you stand with your gf.
Your gf needs to know where you stand with your children.

Avoidance to prevent her from being angry or hurt is a futile exercise IMO, and will forever keep you dancing on your toes around her.

And THAT is not a healthy relationship. Be confident of what you want. Send the confident message to your gf and your daughter.

They are women. Believe me, age has no bearing. They will both know if you are being weak or confident. And only one of those is going to net the respect of both.

Note I said respect and not necessarily agreement.


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## M042

Satya said:


> *I know you don't see it this way, but you've just basically admitted that you're afraid of your girlfriend.* That fear is holding back your truth to her, which you should have NO fear of admitting confidently when it comes to YOUR CHILDREN.
> 
> Your children need to know where you stand with your gf.
> Your gf needs to know where you stand with your children.
> 
> Avoidance to prevent her from being angry or hurt is a futile exercise IMO, and will forever keep you dancing on your toes around her.
> 
> And THAT is not a healthy relationship. Be confident of what you want. Send the confident message to your gf and your daughter.
> 
> They are women. Believe me, age has no bearing. They will both know if you are being weak or confident. And only one of those is going to net the respect of both.
> 
> Note I said respect and not necessarily agreement.


I do see that and last night we talked and I told her as much. She said it was more that I didn't ask for her thoughts on the weekend that upset her and agreed that I should spend quality time with my kids. She said she knows that she cannot be with me all the time, or see me every day, but WANTING to is about how she loves me and would not matter if she had been divorced longer or not. She also did say that she is still working on herself and that she always will be, and thinks we both always should be.


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## Diana7

M042 said:


> I do see that and last night we talked and I told her as much. She said it was more that I didn't ask for her thoughts on the weekend that upset her and agreed that I should spend quality time with my kids. She said she knows that she cannot be with me all the time, or see me every day, but WANTING to is about how she loves me and would not matter if she had been divorced longer or not. She also did say that she is still working on herself and that she always will be, and thinks we both always should be.


I think your girlfriend sounds really nice and genuine, and we can't always let our children dictate and control our lives. Some daughters will never want their dads to be with any other woman even when they are adults themselves. Just keep the communication going with you and your daughter and you and your girlfriend and I hope that it works out for you.


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## M042

Diana7 said:


> I think your girlfriend sounds really nice and genuine, and we can't always let our children dictate and control our lives. Some daughters will never want their dads to be with any other woman even when they are adults themselves. Just keep the communication going with you and your daughter and you and your girlfriend and I hope that it works out for you.


Yes, one thing that has been great about this relationship is the communication. I am a pretty quiet person, and in my marriage definitely the nice guy/pleaser/avoid confrontation, so her openness has helped me grow. 

Now, having said that, I need to find a way to have more positive conversations with my daughter when it comes to difficult topics, or those that involve outcomes she may not like (at first anyway). 

Daughter was really good last night with us at church. So, in part I need to learn that she IS ok with adjusting. 

I do sometimes feel like I need my space with my kids and that the gf is not going to like that-- saying for instance this weekend that I want to have a couple days with just us. I think it is because we have talked about long-term what it would look like, and have been trying to have all the kids together more so that they can be accustomed to it and we can also.


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## Diana7

M042 said:


> Yes, one thing that has been great about this relationship is the communication. I am a pretty quiet person, and in my marriage definitely the nice guy/pleaser/avoid confrontation, so her openness has helped me grow.
> 
> Now, having said that, I need to find a way to have more positive conversations with my daughter when it comes to difficult topics, or those that involve outcomes she may not like (at first anyway).
> 
> Daughter was really good last night with us at church. So, in part I need to learn that she IS ok with adjusting.
> 
> I do sometimes feel like I need my space with my kids and that the gf is not going to like that-- saying for instance this weekend that I want to have a couple days with just us. I think it is because we have talked about long-term what it would look like, and have been trying to have all the kids together more so that they can be accustomed to it and we can also.


Its a question of balance isn't it. Also of the children adjusting to a new situation. We cant let them tell us how to live, but we can be sensitive to their feelings. Also we need to have a life with friends and a partner if that happens, at some point the children will be adults and leave home.
Can you see her during the week?


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## Diana7

M042 said:


> Yes, one thing that has been great about this relationship is the communication. I am a pretty quiet person, and in my marriage definitely the nice guy/pleaser/avoid confrontation, so her openness has helped me grow.
> 
> Now, having said that, I need to find a way to have more positive conversations with my daughter when it comes to difficult topics, or those that involve outcomes she may not like (at first anyway).
> 
> Daughter was really good last night with us at church. So, in part I need to learn that she IS ok with adjusting.
> 
> I do sometimes feel like I need my space with my kids and that the gf is not going to like that-- saying for instance this weekend that I want to have a couple days with just us. I think it is because we have talked about long-term what it would look like, and have been trying to have all the kids together more so that they can be accustomed to it and we can also.


Try and see her more when you dont have the children while still having some time together with all of you, maybe taking them all out to have fun together.


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## M042

Diana7 said:


> Try and see her more when you dont have the children while still having some time together with all of you, maybe taking them all out to have fun together.


I see her every day I do not have my kids. We started out only seeing each other without kids involved, and maybe 2 times a week. Now when I do not have my kids it is every day and when I do have my kids there are still days we all get together, and yes we do take all the kids out to 'have fun together'.


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## M042

I have given my daughter consequences for her inappropriate reactions regarding the girlfriend (language, anger-related things like slamming doors) and even though she was upset for awhile, overall she has responded well. She really does have a hard time dealing with not being in charge. still looking for a counselor.


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## MJJEAN

M042 said:


> I have given my daughter consequences for her inappropriate reactions regarding the girlfriend (language, anger-related things like slamming doors) and even though she was upset for awhile, overall she has responded well. She really does have a hard time dealing with not being in charge. still looking for a counselor.


Remember to be consistent. Any positive changes could be flushed if you aren't consistent.


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## southbound

I was divorced 7 years ago. My x wife started dating soon, and I never did. My kids Said being with me felt more like family because there wasn’t a stranger involved. My kids would sometimes stay with me for long periods because they said they liked it better. 

With those opposites, it helped me see the kids point of view. Even though we adults think dating might be a normal thing, why would the kids want dad with another man or mom with another man and acting like the kids should think it normal and be happy. That’s the approach my x took, and it never worked with the kids.


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## She'sStillGotIt

M042 said:


> how old are your kids?
> 
> Honestly, the only real issue is with my 10 year old daughter. The other my son LIKES having her and her daughters around, and her girls are usually the same.


Of course he does. 

Boys are SO much easier than girls who are just a horror. I'm so glad I had a boy.

Your girlfriend has been overly gracious but there's a limit to this bull-crap and she sounds as though she's getting close to it so I'm willing to bet it will be SHE who runs from YOU, not the other way around. She isn't married to you and doesn't 'owe' you the next 10 years of her life being disrespected and treated like crap by your kid because you're overcompensating for your divorce and allowing her to ruin your dating life. I saw my brother go through this same nonsense with his spoiled daughter who acted completely disrespectful to any woman he dated. While he protested and told her not to behave that way, he STILL allowed it to happen over and over because he felt guilty for the divorce, so she ran the show for too many years and he lost a couple of really good women due to her deplorable behavior.

You'd better nip this problem in the bud or you're going to end up losing a lot of good women, too. Your girlfriend ISN'T your problem.


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## bkyln309

My kids do not get to dictate to me whom I date. They need to be respectful and if they cannot do that, there are consequences. Sounds like your daughter is manipulating you. You need to set firm boundaries with her if you dont want to lose this woman.


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## M042

bkyln309 said:


> My kids do not get to dictate to me whom I date. They need to be respectful and if they cannot do that, there are consequences. Sounds like your daughter is manipulating you. You need to set firm boundaries with her if you dont want to lose this woman.


can you be more specific regarding the word 'consequences'?


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## M042

southbound said:


> I was divorced 7 years ago. My x wife started dating soon, and I never did. My kids Said being with me felt more like family because there wasn’t a stranger involved. My kids would sometimes stay with me for long periods because they said they liked it better.
> 
> With those opposites, it helped me see the kids point of view. Even though we adults think dating might be a normal thing, why would the kids want dad with another man or mom with another man and acting like the kids should think it normal and be happy. That’s the approach my x took, and it never worked with the kids.


My problem with your 'approach' is that it requires me to allow my 10 year old daughter to control my life, and I really do not think long term that is good for her. 
She already is acting entitled and her mom is the same way and gets overwhelmed with what normal people would consider every day challenges. I have noticed a constant 'victim' attitude when either of them do not get their way (which makes for some pretty interactions between the two of them, by the way)

Her mom had parents who dropped everything for her and it isn't pretty now that she is an adult.


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## bkyln309

M042 said:


> My problem with your 'approach' is that it requires me to allow my 10 year old daughter to control my life, and I really do not think long term that is good for her.
> She already is acting entitled and her mom is the same way and gets overwhelmed with what normal people would consider every day challenges. I have noticed a constant 'victim' attitude when either of them do not get their way (which makes for some pretty interactions between the two of them, by the way)
> 
> Her mom had parents who dropped everything for her and it isn't pretty now that she is an adult.


Your daughter should get less of your attention when she acts this way not more. Make it clear all attention seeking will be met with exact what she doesnt want -- less attention from you. If she causes to make your life hell, she will be staying with her mom more.


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## M042

bkyln309 said:


> Your daughter should get less of your attention when she acts this way not more. Make it clear all attention seeking will be met with exact what she doesnt want -- less attention from you. If she causes to make your life hell, she will be staying with her mom more.


Yes I agree about the attention stuff. Just trying to figure out the best way to put that into action without completely losing my connection with her. We are seeing a counselor next week.


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## MJJEAN

M042 said:


> Yes I agree about the attention stuff. Just trying to figure out the best way to put that into action without completely losing my connection with her. We are seeing a counselor next week.


It's easier to train them when they're young, but she's still capable of learning appropriate respectful behavior and it doesn't have to damage your bond. In fact, children crave boundaries and discipline. It makes them feel secure. So, really, by setting boundaries and disciplining her you are building a better bond. It might not feel like it when you're dealing with her and she's using every trick in her bag to get you to relent, but it will pay dividends later.

My method was isolation. Throw a fit, say mean things, be generally unpleasant, misbehave, and end up alone in the car or a bedroom until appropriate behavior can be exhibited and apologies given. It took a while for the point to sink in, but once they got it, they got it. Sure, you may miss some time with her. She may be a stubborn tidbit and spend hours in her room pissed off at you and the world. Later, once she gets it, you'll actually get more quality time with her as she will be much more pleasant to be around.

I once read something in a book that stuck with me. "Good manners will make you welcome anywhere."


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## Keke24

M042 said:


> Yes I agree about the attention stuff. Just trying to figure out the best way to put that into action without completely losing my connection with her. We are seeing a counselor next week.


OP, how do you respond to your daughter's tantrums and name calling? What methods of discipline/consequences have you utilized in these situations?

In addition to counseling, I think you would benefit from checking out the show: 'America's Supernannny' (AS). There's also a UK version to the show. They're not exactly nannies, as they are parent coaches. In both series, they focus heavily on age appropriate discipline. One episode that really stood out to me on AS was when the coach counselled the parents on the importance of not simply spending time and being done, but spending QUALITY time with their older kids. She advised one of the parents to make a habit of spending an hour with their 9-year old daughter doing nothing but talking to her one-on-one about whatever she wanted. I never had those experiences with my parents but boy would that have made me feel special and comfortable sharing my feelings and struggles with them, especially when I hit the teenage years.


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## M042

Keke24 said:


> OP, how do you respond to your daughter's tantrums and name calling? What methods of discipline/consequences have you utilized in these situations?
> 
> In addition to counseling, I think you would benefit from checking out the show: 'America's Supernannny' (AS). There's also a UK version to the show. They're not exactly nannies, as they are parent coaches. In both series, they focus heavily on age appropriate discipline. One episode that really stood out to me on AS was when the coach counselled the parents on the importance of not simply spending time and being done, but spending QUALITY time with their older kids. She advised one of the parents to make a habit of spending an hour with their 9-year old daughter doing nothing but talking to her one-on-one about whatever she wanted. I never had those experiences with my parents but boy would that have made me feel special and comfortable sharing my feelings and struggles with them, especially when I hit the teenage years.


As far as consequences, she doesn't earn the privilege to do something she finds fun or looks forward to-- recent examples: had to say no to a sleep over with best friend, took ipad away, she was not able to go to dance class one night last week. 

As far as spending time with her, I only have her half the time so it is an emphasis in my life. I talk to her before she goes to bed every night. I take her places she can ride her bike. We played basketball with the gf and her little brother last time I had them. We walked around the mall for a few hours when the weather was bad one Saturday afternoon (her request), we are planning a trip to a new children's hospital 2 hours away for one of her days on spring break-- to see the hospital and bring donations for the kids. 

Since she was born in 2008, there is not a single person who has gotten more of my attention and favor.


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## Married but Happy

Your relationships with your daughter and gf are separate, and you have a right to have a gf even if your daughter can't stand her. However, you can demand that your daughter be respectful to your gf even if she does not like her. Children cannot be allowed to dictate adult relationships, and there will be consequences if the child does not behave appropriately.

My wife's older son didn't like me at first - he liked her previous bf. Of course, he didn't know me very well at first, but eventually he did get to know me and like me. Back then, my wife told him that this was her relationship, and he didn't get a vote or a say in it. He didn't have to like me, but he did have to be civil at a minimum, and she enforced it. Setting boundaries is key.


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## frusdil

I can see both sides of this. My husband and I took things slowly and gently with SD. We would all have dinner together one night through the week, and I would then go home - no sleepovers while she was there. Then the rest of the time she had him to herself and I would come over after she had gone back to her mothers on the weekend. We were a few months in before I met her.

Her mother on the other hand was in a relationship just weeks after they filed for legal separation, and living with him within 6 months. Her second live in boyfriend has just dumped her. 

I also have friends who separated in August last year - both are now living with new partners. All I can think is their poor children  It's all so fast. They may be ready to date (and they have the right to) but do they have to move them in so quickly? 

A big red flag for me is your gf appears to resent the time you spend 1:1 with your daughter. That strikes me as very odd. That time is very important for both you and your daughter. She NEEDS to know that no matter what happens in life, there is a man who loves her to the ends of the earth.

My hubby and SD go out for tea together quite a lot, it's so cute, lol. I have to remind him - it's not that he doesn't want to go, he just doesn't think of it lol, but SD's face when they're going is priceless!


----------

