# Husband watches rape and sleep porn! :(



## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

Last year my husband raped me while I was asleep. I've been super cautious sleeping now around him. While looking through the browser history on our laptop trying to find an old page, I see that he has been looking up RAPE PORN! I don't understand this! Is it some weird fetish!? I don't know what to do! He's done in on more than one occasion based on his searches! He's also been looking up sleep sex porn. I love him but he hasn't been respecting me as a woman since we got married! I've had nearly monthly fights with him because he treats me like a sex toy and not as a woman or wife. We've been married for two years and together for over three. I'm 23, and he is 26. 

Its frustrating because I lost my virginity being raped at 14. I don't know what to do at this point. He refuses to go to therapy and lies to me constantly. I need some serious help with this. 

Should I leave him? Should I go see a therapist by myself? Should I try and embrace it despite my fears?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes you should leave him. He raped you. 
He does not respect you. You should feel loved and cherished by him, not like a sex toy.
Go to therapy. DO NOT FALL PREGNANT. And get yourself ready to leave.
Your husband has a lot of problems.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Having sex with a woman who's asleep is a definite no no. It's an awful thing to do. Rape cannot be tolerated. What was you sex life like before this? How often do you have sex? Do you initiate sex with him? Just wondering why he's looking at porn.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

gamer said:


> Last year my husband raped me while I was asleep. I've been super cautious sleeping now around him. While looking through the browser history on our laptop trying to find an old page, I see that he has been looking up RAPE PORN! I don't understand this! Is it some weird fetish!? I don't know what to do! He's done in on more than one occasion based on his searches! He's also been looking up sleep sex porn. I love him but he hasn't been respecting me as a woman since we got married! I've had nearly monthly fights with him because he treats me like a sex toy and not as a woman or wife. We've been married for two years and together for over three. I'm 23, and he is 26.
> 
> Its frustrating because I lost my virginity being raped at 14. I don't know what to do at this point. He refuses to go to therapy and lies to me constantly. I need some serious help with this.
> 
> Should I leave him? Should I go see a therapist by myself? Should I try and embrace it despite my fears?


Aside from the fact that no woman should be with a man who would rape her in her sleep,the man obviously isn't willing to work on the marriage in therapy.
Lies,rape,and refusal to seek help...all valid reasons to get your sh*t together and leave.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Dear Gamer,
I know i already wrote my point of view on this in the other thread, but i think it should be posted here as well. I think your husband is attracted to your history, maybe turned on by it, rather than "accepting". He apparently wants to try victimizing you himself. I feel deeply concerned for you. I have seen this scenario unfold on other forums. Once victimized, a rape survivor may display ptsd "cues" which predators recognize and go for. Your husband scares me, he could be a very dangerous man, and the military shelters that sort of thing. (See recent news about the 26,000 sexual abuse cases). I hope you have the strength and support to see this for what it is and get to safety! Sadly, we can not brand your husband's forehead to warn others.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Leave. You should never embrace rape. Your young get out now. Hopefully you don't have kids with this man.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Many people advised you last year to leave this man.

Unfortunately you are not listening. It's horrible what you're ALLOWING him to put you through, but there isn't much anybody can do for you if you continue to stay with him despite the obvious signs pointing toward a need to RUN!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

2 years will turn to 10 in the blink of an eye. By that point you'll be feeling as if it's normal.

It's not f'ng normal, gamer. Get out NOW!!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

He raped you, and you are still with him. I'm sorry, I have no advice for you, for I feel it will fall on deaf ears.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Aside from the fact that no woman should be with a man who would rape her in her sleep,the man obviously isn't willing to work on the marriage in therapy.
> Lies,rape,and refusal to seek help...all valid reasons to get your sh*t together and leave.


Because this advice needs to be repeated.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Rape fantasy and rape are so vastly different. rape fantasy/porn no victims. rape =victim.

leave just leave fvcking run don't walk. you are not a person to him that equals extreme danger


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You were raped at 14 and raped again while married. You're a victim, and need to be in therapy, period. Once you get some help and feel worthy, you will be able to walk away from this unhealthy situation.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Leave him. No woman should be raped being single or married. Not cool.

Many men out there who respect and love women and meet their needs.

You deserve much better and I feel for you. Words can't say how I would deal with this guy.

I would suggest therapy and move on.

Wish you the best.


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

I must be clueless on this subject. I find it difficult to understand how a woman could sleep thru having sex. Wouldn’t it awaken her during the act especially starting out with positioning? 
Regardless it is totally wrong for him to do this, asleep or awake. 
If he is turned on by your previous rape that is sad and he needs help as well as yourself for all of this. wish you well


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## SMLC_Xo (Jun 10, 2013)

... you need to GET THE HELL OUT

this man has problems!! that is DISGUSTING!! pack up when hes gone, leave, divorce him, dont ever be in contact with him again, and you yourself should seek therapy, i cant imagine how youare mentally right now!! I am also 23, myhusband is the same age, i love him to death but if he ever has done ANY of these things to me, he would NEVER see me again! there are better men out there!!!

good luck


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

People get raped while they're asleep?! Don't they wake up? 

Regardless, he shouldn't force himself on you while you're asleep!!! That disgusting behaviour! You need to leave him otherwise you'll live the rest of your life scared
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

ubercoolpanda said:


> People get raped while they're asleep?! Don't they wake up?
> 
> Regardless, he shouldn't force himself on you while you're asleep!!! That disgusting behaviour! You need to leave him otherwise you'll live the rest of your life scared
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO, its possible if that person had been the under the influence of some kinda drug that completely knocked them out cold, like a date rape drug, other than that, I would think they would wake up and be aware.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And I thought I was bad viewing porn, lesbians......I like the ladies. Unless you talked to him about this having sex with you while you sleep thing beforehand, its rape and I would more on and get therapy fast.

They do these things in porn because its their job, they get paid very well and they love sex and to be the center of attention and they're very attractive as well.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:
Is this even possible? Wouldn't you like, wake up?
Hell how does one even get it in without her aroused and with her legs closed?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> Is this even possible? Wouldn't you like, wake up?
> Hell how does one even get it in without her aroused and with her legs closed?


How does the "other" form of rape occur? I don't think they're aroused with their legs open.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hence no way one could stay asleep!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> How does the "other" form of rape occur? I don't think they're aroused with their legs open.


Here's why I'm withholding judgment on this one for the time being:

I've initiated sex with my wife while she's asleep, and every time she's been very receptive and has told me she likes it. Yet she accused me of rape one time during the day as I was leading her into the bedroom while the kids were occupied, and I was dumbfounded. Thrown for an absolute f*cking loop. I didn't touch her for quite a while after that as I was trying to sort through her feelings, my feelings, whether it was a fair accusation, etc. I don't know that I've ever gotten completely past being called a rapist.

My daughter was date-raped. She didn't tell us for months, but now that I know I have plans for that guy, which I'll keep to myself. I have strong opinions on rape, and I do not excuse it at all. And even though the rape and sleep porn is fairly presuasive evidence, I wonder what really transpired the night of OP's rape, because I'm just not certain it's clear cut. What was said? What happened? Where's the line between pushing your wife up against the wall because you have to have her NOW, and a horrible criminal act?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

GTdad said:


> Here's why I'm withholding judgment on this one for the time being:
> 
> I've initiated sex with my wife while she's asleep, and every time she's been very receptive and has told me she likes it.


Same situation here... Been sort of afraid to speak up.

The ‘old days’; Wife goes out with friends. Gets absolutely wasted. Me, stayed at home watching our three kids so she could go out. She gets home and goes to bed. I’m feeling randy so I make a move... Keep in mind that often, she’d pretend to be sleeping to avoid sex. Yes, you bet they wake up. So, I’d escalate to see how far she’d hold that ruse. 90% chance I’ll get punched or accused of trying to rape her; but 10% of the time she’d tell me to “get it over with”. Also keep in mind, that was the only way she’d let me have sex. (Not saying I’m not without blame here; mistakes were made)

Oh, and it was worse. My WW would also claim she had sex once a week (leaving you to conclude that I was too)... It was every other month on my end. She would shame and ridicule me to get me to stop trying to have sex with her. Enter the “darker fantasies”.... Why do I have them? Because at the time, sex with my wife was not a ‘good or healthy thing’... still isn’t without some serious toxins in me still. She used it on her end as a way to hurt me, is it hardly shocking that for me, sex also became a punishment? She set the terms, then trained me to accept them. She’s now sorry, but that doesn’t undo what has been done.

Btw; she’s also a rape victim. That never entered my head. Why? Because like most, she never admitted how it messed her up. What she’d tell me was that it was a long time ago. Why on earth would I think a decade later it still affects her?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

To the OP,when your husband raped you, were you asleep and you woke up? If so what did you do? Or Were you knocked out cold and didn't know until you felt something wasn't right? 

I hope you seek some help ASAP.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Here's why I'm withholding judgment on this one for the time being:
> 
> I've initiated sex with my wife while she's asleep, and every time she's been very receptive and has told me she likes it. Yet she accused me of rape one time during the day as I was leading her into the bedroom while the kids were occupied, and I was dumbfounded. Thrown for an absolute f*cking loop. I didn't touch her for quite a while after that as I was trying to sort through her feelings, my feelings, whether it was a fair accusation, etc. I don't know that I've ever gotten completely past being called a rapist.
> 
> My daughter was date-raped. She didn't tell us for months, but now that I know I have plans for that guy, which I'll keep to myself. I have strong opinions on rape, and I do not excuse it at all. And even though the rape and sleep porn is fairly presuasive evidence, I wonder what really transpired the night of OP's rape, because I'm just not certain it's clear cut. What was said? What happened? Where's the line between pushing your wife up against the wall because you have to have her NOW, and a horrible criminal act?


I initiated sex while my wife was sleeping, but I mainly groped her a bit to wake her up and then when she woke up I slipped in from behind. It was during the day and I heard one of the kids walking down the hall but I was like a demon possessed, I could not stop until I finished. It was pretty hot, but the main point is I woke her up. It happened with her volition.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I have to admit that I am a little confused too.

In my previous relationship some of the hottest sex we had was when one or the other of us made a move when one or the other of us was asleep. In fact I warned her that if she woke me up by making a move on me that she better be ready because for some reason when I am "out of it" I respond like a tiger.

And when I made a move on her she responded almost the same way. Well, what can I say - the sex was good and we hardly ever told each other no. It happened a few times but I was so sure that if it didn't happen tonight then it would definitely happen in the morning, so I didn't worry about it.

I still think the OP's guy has an issue - and maybe so does she. Not sure about that. But getting "raped" in your sleep? Still confused.

BTW - your spouse ever using the word "rape" to manipulate you? Way NOT COOL...


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Could it be that she means he initiated the rape when she was asleep and completed it as she woke up? Any time i tell H to stop, no matter how into it he is, or close to o, he'd better pull out immediately! That is my basic right as a human being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I totally get the fun middle of the night/ wake-up sex and how good that can be. However, I can tell you that there are regularly times when I can't wake up, no matter what the stimulus is. I'm insanely sensitive to most depressants. The family joke is that I can lick a Benadryl and pass out for a good 8 hours. NyQuil is taken in bed. If my insomnia gets bad enough that I need an Ambien or Seroquel, no one has been able to wake me up talking to me, shaking me or taking the covers away for 10 hours minimum. My ex actually dumped me off the bed trying to wake me up after I'd taken sleep meds and I never even twitched. You could do literally anything to me if I take medication at night and I'd never know it. I have no idea if my responses to the OTC meds is awfully abnormal, but I can absolutely see that there could be circumstances where one might not wake up even if I was being bonked while bent over a cactus, much less still in a comfy bed with my pillow!


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

First of all, your husband needs help! He is totally and utterly addicted to pornography and it has a stronghold on his life and he is acting out what he is seeing in fantasy. That is NOT what a marriage is about. Its selfish and one-sided! Your husband has a problem, just as much as a drunkard or a kleptomaniac. These addictions cannot be overcome by one's self! He needs therapy! He needs a counselor! For crying out loud, he needs God!

Should you leave him? That is a tough call. The two of you might need to separate. I think your husband needs a wake up call to know that what he is doing is selfish and he has no right to treat you the way he has been treating you.

I would separate from him and give him a chance to clean up this addiction. BUT, he has to take steps and be held accountable for his addiction, because he CANNOT overcome it by himself. Don't believe him if he says that he will "try harder" or "Stop doing it." He is only fooling himself! He MUST seek help! That is the only way! He MUST delete all his pornography on his computer and delete all his accounts with all the pornographic web sites!

Your husband needs to be open and honest with you and to want to make a change. A marriage is two sided! Its about the two of you and not just about him fulfilling these sick and perverted fantasies! If you are willing to work with your husband with his addiction, than be assertive with him and give him an ultimatum. Which is to say, clean up your act or you are out of there. And by clean up, I want to reiterate, this means that he seeks help with a therapist, pastor, counselor, etc. He needs to go to someone a lot older than him and who is NOT a friend or family member.

Best of luck to you. Keep us updated.


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