# An unsual case. Please help me.



## sle264 (Jan 22, 2011)

I really don't know who I can express this this problem to. I sincerely beg for a thorough response from you all.

I am 24, married for 4 years and have a beautiful 3 years old daughter. The main characteristic about me is that I am a person with full conscious. If I were to do something wrong, I would feel uneasy inside and it would haunt me from time to time. I don't want to hurt anyone even if it is the smallest thing.

Based on my background, one can indicate that I was married 4 years ago at the age of 20 to my wife who was 17 at the time. We've been b/f & g/f for 3 years until we got married. The marriage was unexpected due to an unplanned pregnancy.

Throughout our years together before we were married, it was tough. We seemed to fight a lot from small to huge issues. We broke up and got back together a couple of times. It was quite similar to an on/off relationship. After our first year together, it became true that we do not match and tend to argue a lot. However, after each time we broke up, we just wanted to be together, again. We've been in insane battles and I don't know how to emphasize the word insane enough. We were young and stupid. We would hurt ourselves because we don't know a solution to our fight. There was this fight that was very stressing. She was very stubborn and didn't respond to my words. I hated to see her cry and there seemed to be no way to stop her from crying. My anger exploded and I went outside and just knocked my head towards the pavement really hard. Of course now I knew it wasn't the right solution, but it was the only way that would stop her from crying.

I worked with my older sister one summer and while driving home together, she noticed how when I spoke of my g/f(mywife) that I tend to have doubts whether she is the right one. My sister did not know who my gf was at the time. She told me straight up that if I were to have doubts or even question whether my g/f is the right one for me, then I should just end it as soon as possible because it would only get worse. 

Throughout these past several years, I began to question myself. Could it be a case where two people love each other, but due to several factors, that they just can't be together happily?

My wife agrees with me that we do fight a lot and we are pretty much uncommon(one thinks one way and the other things another). However, I have to say that she must love me a lot because we can fight, but it would be a new day once morning arrives for her. I just can't do what she can... I am tired of arguing over stupid things of who's right and who's wrong. I am tired of us being so indifferent.

Our first couple years were very painful to go by. What helped us managed through those years was our precious daughter.

I am a very romantic person. My wife loves me dearly because I have done a lot of romantic stuff for her. I baked her a cake with the phrase, "I love you" for our anniversary. I always did something for her on every holiday. Yes EVERY Holiday, even Easter... Anyway I just want to point out something... As our marriage progressed from the first year to the 4th year, I began to lose those romance. It's not that I don't want to be... but I felt weird when I actually do it. For example... I really want to hold my wife's hands when we walk through a mall, kiss her goodnight, tell her that I love her, but for some reason it was difficult to do.

I caused her life to be miserable, and now she can't move on even if I were to depart away from her. I also don't want my precious daughter to grow up knowing the fact that her parents are not together.

This is a sin that I created... I blame no one but myself. I will always and always have this flashback in me when I go to bed. I really don't know what to do. You could say that I should have broke up with her during the on/off relationship... but there was always something... a force that pulled us back together.

Recently, we have not argued like that anymore... our arguments tend to have been reduced tremendously... and I have tried to force myself to be romantic to her. Unfortunately, it seemed that I am so used to treating her the usual way that I just can't be romantic to her anymore. My love is constantly fading and I just don't have that force that helped pulled me back to her after each time we broke up. She sacrificed so much for me...and if I can't do anything for her, it will be the biggest debt that I will carry with me even after I die.

I sincerely appreciate your time for reading this and I welcome all advices from all of you. Please help me... ='[


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Have you thought about any counseling? Whether you go to individual or try couples counseling?

You say that you argue a lot, even petty things. This resentment can build and lay dormant and cause dislike for a person...counseling may help figure out some of your feelings.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Have you thought about seeing a councellor who could teach you how to fight?

Evey couple argues or disagrees at times, but you need to know how to fight it out and come to a resolution together without things getting nasty.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You might try reading _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. The book does a nice job explaining what you wrote--and how to solve the problem.


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## HuntersNana (Jan 23, 2011)

RE: An Unusual Case

I suggest counseling, either together or for yourself. Personally, I don't believe couples should stay together "for the sake of a child or children" a child is better of with a happy parent/parents then being raise in a household where there is constant fighting. Children, even at a young age are more well aware of their surroundings then what we give them credit for. Give counseling an honest effort, counseling also takes time but one must be willing to take the advice of a worthy counselor. Once you start making necessary changes with your own behaviors others around you will also notice. And once you make certain changes, if she is willing to work on the relationship, she too will change her behaviors. Good luck!


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## sle264 (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you everyone. Currently, we are trying to regain the affection that we used to have. That's our major problem right now. As for arguing everyday, that has been reduced significantly. We are now giving each other another attempt with our maximum efforts to regain the affection that was lost during our marriage for the last couple years. We were thinking of having another baby soon as we do not want our children to have the huge difference in age. But I rejected the idea because we need to be certain that we will be together for the rest of our lives first before doing so. Once again, I really appreciate all the advices. I will continue to watch this thread to see if there is anymore advice that may perhaps help me with my issue.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Since it seems that distance rekindles your irresistable bond for each other, have you considered taking seperate vacations from each other? Maybe one of you go off for a week with your friends while the other stays home with your daughter...and then, without seeing eachother, the other take a week off with their friends. Two weeks without seeing or possibly even talking might help to spark a forgotten desire. 

Just a suggestion.


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## sle264 (Jan 22, 2011)

Confused-Wife said:


> Since it seems that distance rekindles your irresistable bond for each other, have you considered taking seperate vacations from each other? Maybe one of you go off for a week with your friends while the other stays home with your daughter...and then, without seeing eachother, the other take a week off with their friends. Two weeks without seeing or possibly even talking might help to spark a forgotten desire.
> 
> Just a suggestion.


Thanks for the suggestion! But with our situation right now along with our daughter... it would be difficult to do this. But I certainly agree with you that it could help seek out the desire that was lost before.


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