# the porn question



## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

I'm not going to be an apologist for men and porn. It is what it is, and it's prevelance alone speaks for itself.
My wife of ten years has asked me to stop the porn, and turn my sexual attentions solely to her. I tried explaining to her that there is a physiological imperative in the male. I mean I can camel it, but there is a primal drive that helps maintain the body and mind. I can turn my sexual attentions to her every day, or at the very least, once a week. I don't know about the "average woman" but I don't think, at best, her desires match that.
I don't know how long it has been now, perhaps 2 weeks, maybe 3. Her rejection is not harsh, just a slight pushing away or turning aside. I'm not upset with her, or holding it against her. There are circumstances, not much time together and she admitted a couple of days ago that she is depressed. I am becoming increasingly frustrated and stressed.
I suppose I could solo it, but I will say I don't think that's...well, it's not much fun. And I do look for something to facilitate that.
Am I being unreasonable? Is she? What do you guys think of this?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Maybe your wife's desires don't match your own because of the porn. If she feels threatened or less to you because of it, she may not desire to have sex with you that often. You should work on loving her - not just having sex with her. Yes, solo it in the meantime if you have to, but let her know that you value her and her opinion in this matter and maybe she'll come around. And if she is depressed that could also play a role in her not wanting sex, but you need to be there for her.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Are you saying that you use porn to supplement sex with your wife, when she's not in the mood but you are? I don't think that's unreasonable...from a man's POV. If my wife were masturbating on one of my off days, I would be very turned on very quickly (A man's mind I suppose) and try my best to fulfill her needs. I don't think I would have much of a problem having sex regularly with my wife so long as, in time, we kept it exciting. Unfortunately, my wife has to opposite problem of not wanting it as much as I do...so I'm wishing I was in your shoes.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Do you want brutal honesty? Yes, you are being unreasonable. There is a primal drive for a healthy man to want a woman. But you don't go out and try to pick up women in real life to go to bed with you, do you? There are a lot of things everyone stops because they shouldn't do it. Your wife finds porn offensive, so you should cut it out.

Your wife has told you she doesn't like porn and wants you to put your energy towards her. What does that mean? She wants you to woo her, court her, show her the same kind of attention you did when you were dating. Many times we guys take our wives for granted and stop doing those little extra things for our wives. The kisses before bed, holding hands when your out, putting her head in your lap while you watch tv. For many women, it's those little things that can rekindle their sex drive.

For a while it's going to suck because you won't get the release from porn and your wife will still be a bit unreachable. But, work for enough time and things will turn around. You and your wife should go to this site 5 Love Languages and take the test. It will help you find the areas you wife is looking for you to speak to her love language.


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## LaCuriosa (Jan 13, 2010)

Lots of questions coming your way...

How often do you watch porn and for how long? And do you go to it AFTER she has rejected you or before she's had the chance? Does she truly find porn offensive or does she think that it's gotten to the point prefer it to her?

And if I understand correctly, she asked you to cut the porn two or three weeks ago to concentrate on her, and you've still not had sex with her? Did she give you more specifics about what she'd like to see change? And what changes have you made?

Did she say what she feels she's depressed about? And has she consulted a doctor about it?

I may be the exception to the rule, but I have no problem with my husband viewing porn, so long as it's not any super crazy "out there" porn and so long as it's not interfering with OUR physical relationship. And since he's a bit more reserved, knowing what he views gives me a better idea as to what he's fantasizing about, and I usually don't have any problem turning that into a reality. :ezpi_wink1: 

But I can also see Crypsys' point, and it may apply to your situation. The Five Love Languages is mentioned on multiple forums that I've seen and has helped many out. 

LC


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

The porn is not the issue, it is the symptom of a larger problem.

Your woman is not feeling desired, and that is your responsibility and you are not meeting it.

These things to act like you were dating, that is truth to a point, you do indeed need to make sure you are confident, dominant, and in control of yourself and your environment as you probably were in the beginning that attracted your woman to you in the first place. Be that again.

Do NOT spend any time with things like flowers or mushy stuff, that will only work if you are trying to end your marraige. 

We're talking instead sexual attraction and the business of sexual attraction is when the good man is acting in the strengths of a man, that is the dominant man, who is in control of himself and his environment. 

So to you what does this look like? It means you are stepping up yourself in your appearance, your hygiene, your behavior and attitude that you are in control of yourself and that you treat your woman like you could have any woman in the world and that woman is her, and you are making her feel this way.

Know the attraction to porn is not a mystery, it is in man's desire to seek out the approval of an attractive woman, be dominant and successful, and in his mind he can easily be all these things without so much the effort towards doing the same in the real world. 

In balance this is perfectly healthy, yes porn can be very healthy especially in the healthy marriage relationship, for in the imagination of a man is also his motivation and creativity to build his reality according to his vision, and that vision must start in his mind as we all know. 

But out of balance, as in anything, if porn is hindering progress in the "real world" for the good man to achieve what he is desiring, then such a man needs to show the mettle to be in control of himself, and not let anything control him, not letting his fantasies keep him from achieving his success in the reality.

So to your woman, instead of imagining some porn woman dressing a certain way, or performing a certain act, make your reality that it is YOUR WOMAN you are in the relationship with to dress this way, and show her your desire for her to do a certain act. 

You think she will be offended? 

Think again, that is once you have put in place for yourself what needs to be done. 

If your woman once seeing the mettle you are made of, the good man in control of himself and knowing what he wants and is the man to pursue it, in her eyes the dominant man, and seeing your desire for her, do not be surprised for her to be unleashed as the woman inside her to make you forget all these porn women.

To live the reality is better than the fantasy everytime. Take that to the bank.

Make the fantasy into the reality. Then porn is nothing in comparison then.




> I may be the exception to the rule, but I have no problem with my husband viewing porn, so long as it's not any super crazy "out there" porn and so long as it's not interfering with OUR physical relationship. And since he's a bit more reserved, knowing what he views gives me a better idea as to what he's fantasizing about, and I usually don't have any problem turning that into a reality. :ezpi_wink1:


In the healthy relationship, where the woman is feeling desired and not insecure because her man is taking care of what he needs to take care of, in this relationship porn is not a problem.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> In the healthy relationship, where the woman is feeling desired and not insecure because her man is taking care of what he needs to take care of, in this relationship porn is not a problem.


The wife can still not want her husband to view porn and be in a healthy relationship. Just like the wife can not have a problem with the husband viewing porn and be in a healthy relationship.

There are many reasons why a man/woman may object to porn. Just because someone does reject it does not make them a prude, insecure, etc. 

Or am I misunderstanding what you are saying?


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

she is super jealous. i find that is the cause.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Your wife's needs are not being met. You need to meet her sexual need. You are getting way too distracted. In along term the sex is infrequent at best. But spending your time with porn is like cheating on your wife. She may find someone else to meet her sexual needs. How is the rest of your relationship? Do you give her long non-sexual hugs a couple times a day.? How much time do you spend talking with her? Can you spend as much time each day with her as you do on the computer?
If you keep this up you may be looking for a new partner, and not of your own choosing.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

the crux of what i've said has been missed. i gave it up. totally. and she shut down the sexual activity, 3 weeks now.
is it a test?


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

For now, I will not address the global dispute over porn. To be sure it one of the top ten issues that couples dissagree on. I feel however, from what i am hearing there are other things possibly that may be going on here. 

As the other astute posts point out, there are other likely needs that you are not meeting for your wife. We guys are thick and clueless and your wife may be tired of the same suggestions, requests for things that she would like for you to do or ways you can behave better. My wife could practically tape record her issues and play them for me when I slip back into old habits. 

Google "how to be a good husband" you will be alarmed at:

1) How simple the things are 
2) How many you have heard from her
3) How many you are neglecting. 
4) How relatively effortless implementing these things would be

As a thick headed man i have actually cut and pasted these ideas into a doctument that i keep on my computer and update. I find when my wife is grouchy/uncooperative....it is usually because i am not putting to practice the simple ideas in my saved documents. 

I find if I am doing the "good husband" stuff. My wife gladly gives back on alot of levels. I don't do it for "tit for tat" reasons. I simply recognize that how can I be critical of my wife if am not doing my best either. It is so easy to neglect what should be your top prioritly. Your first course of action is to make sure if you are giving your wife what she needs before she can expect to get the same. Have you been sympathetic to her having her "lady parts" removed or are you just *****ing cause you can't "get any" and J/O to porn. I know how birth controll can mess with a woman's body. i can only imagine what the operation has done to your wife. Again not judging but....if so....you reap what you sow.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Please ignore my reference to surgery. I think i confused you with another poster. Regardless it does not change my reaction to what you may want to do.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm always amused at how many instant experts come out of the woodwork giving detailed advice from a few lines of a post. 

There seems to be a "blame the male" reaction when discussions turn to sex. There could be many different things going on here and there is far too little information to know. Generally speaking I believe romance and sex are both partners responsibility. The idea that men have to be constantly reading the tea leafs of women so as to create some mystical karma that will then return to them is not my idea of a good marriage. Another view expressed in another thread is that you should "man up". That you stop being so nice and let her feel some distance from you. If there is no challenge in the relationship people get lazy and stop trying. I'm not advocating this view but it is an interesting contrast to much of what's been said here. The bottom line is you signed up for monogamy not celibacy. She gets the first shot at you. If she's not interested then she shouldn' care that you take care of business with or without the porn. As your wife, you have a vested interest in her happiness but you can not make her happy. She has to choose to be happy. This seems to be something many people cant or wont do.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

thank you shoto.
i am tired of being blamed. and the derision directed at men for simple basic biological functions.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm always amused at how many instant experts come out of the woodwork giving detailed advice from a few lines of a post.
> 
> There seems to be a "blame the male" reaction when discussions turn to sex. There could be many different things going on here and there is far too little information to know. Generally speaking I believe romance and sex are both partners responsibility. The idea that men have to be constantly reading the tea leafs of women so as to create some mystical karma that will then return to them is not my idea of a good marriage. Another view expressed in another thread is that you should "man up". That you stop being so nice and let her feel some distance from you. If there is no challenge in the relationship people get lazy and stop trying. I'm not advocating this view but it is an interesting contrast to much of what's been said here. The bottom line is you signed up for monogamy not celibacy. She gets the first shot at you. If she's not interested then she shouldn' care that you take care of business with or without the porn. As your wife, you have a vested interest in her happiness but you can not make her happy. She has to choose to be happy. This seems to be something many people cant or wont do.


To be clear-we men have needs that some women don't understand, respect or don't want to want to understand. Interestly though we have been conditioned over the last 25 years to be sensitive, caring.....go shopping...all that stuff (thank all the "sensitive" people in the media for telling us we should understand our wives their hormones etc. yet our hormones are some kind of sick joke. Agreed we signed up for monogamy not celabacy...well put. 

My point would be to make sure that she can't reasonably counter with the "well you don't....in response to your continued diologue regarding YOUR needs. If you are putting all into a relationship and meeting their needs (or giving it a good solid try) then you have reason to expect your needs to be met (by them or at the very least not to be chastised for meeting your own needs if that happens to involve some porn so be it).


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Beard,
Let me be blunt here with you. According to your and your W's other posts, your W has been considering divorcing you for the past 6 months, and there have been constant fighting with verbal and physical violence in front of your DD. 

This is a red herring subject. You need to work on improving your relationship, period. How do you expect her to have sex with you when all she's been considering is leaving you due to constant fighting and violence between you two? 

I guarantee you that your current strategy would not restore your relationship or her desire to have sex with you. Unless you realize how serious your current state of relationship is, there is no hope of restoring your marriage, not to mention having sex with her. 

I'm normally not this blunt, but WAKE UP!!!


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

not regarding the other threads, because this is a different thread for a different intent. me and the wife are going to be ok i think.
in my opinion and theory, primal man is designed to impregnate multiple women. primal woman on the other hand is designed to find a single mate and procreate. the reasons for this is obvious, i hope. 
however, we are not primates anymore, we are a social civilized creature, but we still have these primal brain urges. it seems to me that pornography is an outlet for the modern man to quell these urges that are no longer necessary in our current society. the biological urges of a man are also at odds with a man's own heart, the heart being allegory for the more frontal lobe activity, i.e. the thinking centers. 
i think a man that is denied and unnaturally forced into what i would generally think of as the female sexual role will begin to be unsatisfied in the marriage and begin looking at other women for real instead of virtually, so to speak.
not to invalidate the female urge to jealousy toward 'other women' which i'm sure the pornography appears to them on some level. i am merely stating that the male urge is just as strong as the female, and i make no apology for it.


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## thuraya (Jun 27, 2010)

say to her 
(your feeling and say that u love her )
then u will see wht u want


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

Bearded, You are right about biological urges, but you're missing something. While women are biologically programmed to find an alpha male to procreate with, we are also programmed to find a beta male to care for us and our young. I wonder how this has manifested with your wife, how you fit into that picture and what your feelings on it would be.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

fascinating. that would almost entirely explain why a woman would choose the most stubborn strong willed male she can find, and then do everything she can to subordinate and change him.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Dude,

I'm going to talk to you not like a psychobabblist but rather a guy down at the pub who's quaffing a beer with you.

I hear ya. . .really I do. You are just being "a guy" and you think your wife should cut you some slack.

But dude, for some reason, even though they shouldn't (and again, I hear ya), women take it really, REALLY personally when you look at porn. I know I did it my ending marriage and I am sure it didn't help. The funny thing is when the marriage ended, the porn viewing stopped so I am sure there is a control thing at work here with men and women so I am not even sure it's a whole biological thing or else it would have continued (and my sexual outlet is slightly increased post-separation but not by much).

I totally get it - it's the "You're not my mother!" sentiment.

But dude, you just gotta stop it even for your own selfish reasons. All the fantasizing and wacking off can desensitize the big guy down there and then your wife does have a legimate gripe when you can't get it up when she wants to ride you.

Just knock it off. 

Some things are best not to challenge the wife on - the toilet seat being up and porn.

I don't want to hear alpha male, beta male, biological imperative and all that justification who-ha.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Actually bearded, u and surprisingly several other males here are being just what
u say u r not, an apologist to many things/issues including the symptom(porn)
of a greater problem, marital relations/fidelity.

as a Christian, obviously u know what my stance is in agreement w/ biblical stds., regardless of how I feel as a marr’d male who’s felt some of the same hurts, desires
and frustrations as u(and others)have. 

I have viewed porn b4. I may view it again, (who knows?) but either way, its still wrong. Wrong in the sense of it is not the ideal situation for me as an individual nor for my rel’shp w/ my W to concentrate on in the tasks daily living requires us to truly focus on.

fwiw I enjoy many TV movies today that are lesser forms of porn, w/ their nudity, and/or
sexploitation of women, and I need to overcome this w/ Gods help, so don’t think I am
hypocritically judging u here, on this issue. 

I understand what u have written, I believe. u r not alone in this. I don’t know what posts u n yer W have written here, that the last few respondents have referred to but,
tell me now if: your W became the nymph some have posted/implied that they(or W)
say they are, what diff would that make in yer porn addiction? would u be tapped out?
would call 4 a wk long truce so u could pop in “Debbie does dallas” or some such? 

What would u do?

Yes I think your W bears some responsibility, based on what u have written here.
But the final act is yours and yours alone to make, as frustrating as it is to admit that sometimes thanks to their contributions and lack thereof. 

It is for all us, m/f alike

Freedom/choice is yours bearded.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Dude,
> ...
> Some things are best not to challenge the wife on - the toilet seat being up and porn.
> 
> I don't want to hear alpha male, beta male, biological imperative and all that justification who-ha.


why? why is it best not to challenge the wife on those 2 things? why is the toilet seat being up a gender bias issue? why don't i yell at her if she leaves it down? i might accidently flood the bathroom if she leaves it down. that is a perfect example of the issue. is it best not to challenge the wife due to fear of her hysteria?
c'mon. dude in the pub. admit there are things you will say to your buds that you would never say to your mate. the women can't seem to handle it, it's easier to just comply, right? i disagree. i think wives that aren't challenged grow to feel like they are always right, and become indignant when someone dares to challenge them on anything. it's a monster that feeds on itself. you're afraid to tell your wife to keep the seat up for your convenience and cow down to her being inconvenienced by you leaving it up. we need to stop being afraid of women's delicate feelings and give them the equality they seem to be asking for.
women have sexual fantasy also, and if they were as visual as men, i think the issue would be reversed. i'm saying, clearly, if women liked to look at porn, men would not challenge them. 
otherwise, why is there no outrage at vibrators? should i feel threatened? no, i don't think so.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

cb45 said:


> ...
> I have viewed porn b4. I may view it again, (who knows?) but either way, its still wrong. Wrong in the sense of it is not the ideal situation for me as an individual nor for my rel’shp w/ my W to concentrate on in the tasks daily living requires us to truly focus on.
> ... your W became the nymph some have posted/implied that they(or W)
> say they are, what diff would that make in yer porn addiction? would u be tapped out?
> ...


i don't understand what you mean by the term nymph. or tapped out. week long truce?
if i understood you correctly, well, first of all i would not call my interest a 'porn addiction'. that's a negative bias already.
have you ever seen the 'venus figurines'? Venus figurines - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
they are generally discussed as religious symbols for prehistoric man. i personally don't think so. i think they are the worlds first sex dolls. that's how prevelant an issue it is. 11 thousand years ago.
what would i do if the wife gained an interest in visual sexual iconography? i would accept her interest, the same as i would for any interest she might have. if i caught her masterbating i would at worst give her privacy or at best help her as i could.
how do i think she would react to catching me? no evidence, but i'm guessing the knee jerk response that we saw in the movie "American Beauty". the wife looks at the man with disgust and says, "What are you _*doing*_?"


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> c'mon. dude in the pub. admit there are things you will say to your buds that you would never say to your mate. the women can't seem to handle it, it's easier to just comply, right?


There ya go.

You got the idea.


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

i do have the idea. and i say it is wrong. holding back from women what you really feel and constantly only telling them what you think they want to hear is, straight up, lying.
we are afraid to confront women with the truth.
i want to ask these women that cry out against porn, do you own any sex toys? of any sort? do you feel guilty for using sex toys? do you feel the need to hide your sex toys from your partner?
even if you don't own any, or use any substitutes (you know what i mean,) do you feel it is your right, or should you tolerate the judgement of your husband or partner?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Of course there are things too that guys will say to each other that they won't say to their wives. I am sure women talk about size, hairyness, etc. amongst themselves too. Sex and The City illustrated that - that show was basically 4 sl*tsin NYC and their sexuality, right?

I am not sure of your point.

You have to start thinking of sex with your wife like a date with a hot woman.

We all know the male ritual before you go out and you think you may get laid - condoms in the wallet and no wanking off 3 days prior (at least). I also don't drink a drop of wine or alcohol anymore because of a bad experience with that one time. I'll just pretend to drink it with her (it's fine for the female - lowers inhibitions)

Trust me on this.

Honestly, I think women would rather you abstain and finish early than have a healthy masturbation life and have some staying power. Whatever happens with regards to that, yes, you can bet they'll complain (he came too fast or he watches too much porn/masturbates). But c'mon dude. . .you know that's part and parcel of that X chromosome (complaining about men - it's called the Oprah Gene) so I would just default to giving up the porn.

No one is questioning your right to watch porn as long as it's legal. I just don't see it being healthy for your relationship so I am telling you to choose to not exercise that right. Maybe it's symptomatic, maybe it's the cause of your marital dysfunction but you just have to trust us on this one.

Just give it up. Honestly, you won't miss it as much as you think. Besides the divorce kinda putting the damper on it for me. . .I just kinda got bored of it.

Take it out of your sexuality ritual.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> There ya go.
> 
> You got the idea.


I disagree with both of you guys. I share all of my thoughts with my wife. From making a comment about my zumba instructor to that girl in the dress, etc. Just as my wife has told me about her conversations with her friends about their husbands junk, etc. Today my wife had one of her g/f over and I asked her what she was doing and she said "my gf". I told her as long as she took pictures, that was fine by me!

When I talk to others who don't know my wife and I about this openness, I am usually met with disbelief or envy that we can talk to each other this way. I really don't understand WHY someone can't share their innermost thoughts with your own spouse?


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

i imagine the cavewoman saying to her mate, "you prefer that little venus statue to me."
this is nothing new.
personally i have given up the porn a good while ago. cause it's not a big deal. and that is really my point.
i don't think there is a man who would choose to leave his wife if porn was the only obstacle. it's not that big of a deal. but there are women who will leave their husbands over porn.
in my own personal experience, when i started getting intimate with my wife, years ago, she used to have a stash of pictures of naked women she found attractive.
why did she get rid of them? i assure you it wasn't at my demand.
i posted this one cause people (including wife) seem to be getting confused about my personal life and decisions as compared to the intellectual dabate regarding gender judgement i'm trying to talk about here.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

bearded,
was typo obviously. add the "o" and u get nympho.

as that nymphooooo, i was ref to her tapping u out sexually, as in little to nuttin' left to "shoot" from testes, u digg?

so again, what would u do with your porn "habit," u wrote or implied u had, instead of her.

"well excuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeee!!!"

-----steve martin (circa 1975)

wish affaircare n others would teach lil' ol' me how to implant some pictures here on TAM.:lol:


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

I will offer my $0.02

I am guy, we have been married for 7 years. I LOVE porn, I love the visualization of beauty and sex - no denying it. However, I have seen porn and applied it to my significant other, I typically do the inverse. I look at porn/lingerie catalogs and wish/viaualize my wife. To me it is the "activity" not the "actors" that drive me. And I find myself more atracted to the models/actors that look like my wife, a bit on the curvy side.


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Bearded-
The thing is every individual is different and unique in their own way, just as every relationship consists of different people in turn creating different relationships. From what I understand in your situation, your wife and you are having some issues and she’s considering divorce. Your outlook and justification on why you need or want to watch porn or why you feel these urges are just male primal instincts is most likely what is really pissing your wife off. It sounds like you honestly believe that’s why and there’s nothing wrong with it at all, but guess what? If the relationship you’re in with your wife is at risk and you watching porn is one of her main concerns, then there is something wrong with it. Don’t get me wrong, I understand what you’re saying, but you aren’t the general public, you chose the life you have with your wife. The relationship that the two of you have and how your spouse feels is what you should be thinking about, not what most guys think about your situation. They aren’t married to your wife, they can only give you their perspective and as many have said, if you want to remain married to your wife, just stop watching it. It pretty much comes down to this, if you are in love with your wife and you truly care about how she feels and how much respect she has for you, you’ll stop watching it, period. Generally speaking a single or dating guy, sure, can watch porn 20 times a day and have no issues because he’s not sharing his life with someone else who it may affect, but you are. I’m assuming that after 10 years of marriage that she knows you pretty well and if she never mentioned wanting you to stop until now and was aware of it all along, she must have her reasons. She may feel you’re detached while making love or having sex, she may feel like you aren’t paying her any compliments anymore, etc. You need to swallow your pride and decide which is more important to you- the freedom to watch *****s f****** online or on pay-per-view OR to restore your marriage with your wife and make her feel special and truly loved again. I mean like there is no other woman for you and really let her that. You need to reassure her that when you did watch porn that it wasn’t to watch other women, but to watch the act. Let her really know how important she is to you and that there’s no way you would ever even think about being with a ***** who does porn. Tell her that those women don’t even compare to her, physically and otherwise. You need to really let her know that her feelings are so much more important to you than watching porn could ever be. Now don’t go lying to her, but tell her what parts are TRUE to relieve any insecurities she may have. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to apologize for making her feel bad in any way as that wasn’t your intention. You probably wouldn’t mind her masturbating so you figured she wouldn’t mind you doing it either. That should be the first step in opening the door to communication. After the air has been cleared, let her know how you like her hair done best, what outfit really turns you on or maybe buy a new one for her. If she really wants you to come to her for all of these things you do need to address the issue at hand and any other concerns she may have before just randomly coming on to her. Some people tend to think that if they are in an argument with their spouse and they have sex, that the issues went away and it sounds like she wants these concerns of hers addressed and resolved before moving forward in any other aspect. I really hope this helps and you do care about how your wife feels. I wish you both the best.


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well I understand how you feel.Figure out what sex life you want.Watching porn is not wrong,but just dont addict to it.Find more passion between you and you wife.Anyway this is my opinion,thanks for sharing.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

beardedinlair said:


> she is super jealous. i find that is the cause.


She might be jealous because you don't offer enough attention and make her feel valuable enough. Not by being the nice guy, but by what Wolf mentions, making her feel like you desire her. 



beardedinlair said:


> thank you shoto.
> i am tired of being blamed. and the derision directed at men for simple basic biological functions.


Few of us blame men because of basic biological functions. It's the way you choose to do it that's infuriating. Most of you are completely different a year or two after you get married. 



tjohnson said:


> My point would be to make sure that she can't reasonably counter with the "well you don't....in response to your continued diologue regarding YOUR needs. If you are putting all into a relationship and meeting their needs (or giving it a good solid try) then you have reason to expect your needs to be met (by them or at the very least not to be chastised for meeting your own needs if that happens to involve some porn so be it).


More women would be more reasonable regarding porn if it was properly explained to them. Instead of getting angry over their wive's reaction, some men should understand that women perceive porn as threatening.

No offense to you but the media is full of naked, beautiful young women. If it were full of men with huge firm 'equipment' always ready to go and please multiple times a day and your women were always watching that and getting off, you'd definitely become insecure too. Lucky for you, women were conditioned for years to not show that they're interested in sex and men. 

Some guys are already insecure when they don't earn enough money (usually perceived as what attracts women in our society). For your women....you're looking at naked, young, hot women who are interesting for you and whom you secretly prefer (while she's getting old, boobs sagging, and of no interest to you whatsoever). When guys watch porn over and over than do nothing to show interest towards their women, they just feel ignored and abandoned and not attractive enough. This way, even when you ask for sex their confidence is low enough for them not to enjoy it or want it. 

Sure, most men just hit the net and think 'boobs''ass' till they're done. It's impersonal and they don't drool all over those women, imagine tapping them and marrying them later. But how is your woman supposed to know that? Do you think anyone ever explains that to us? I may be completely wrong but most of us were raised to believe porn is 'evil' and being very open to sex can equal being ****ty. So there will always be a worry in the back of our mind that by us being the nice, moral wives, you'll spend the rest of your time hiding and going to the not-so-moral woman just to get your manly needs met (whether it's porn or real life). 

Hope i'm making some sense. P.S. the hiding doesn't help either, especially for men who aren't having frequent passionate sex with their women. Makes the woman think 'oh, so if you could, you'd definitely go out and have someone who looks better than me'. 

I don't know if other women think the same way. I personally grew up with porn, i know what it means in my life. Still, because of rare-occurring, somewhat meaningless sex in my relationship, i'm freaked out because of my husband watching it, simply because i don't know if that's just a pure impersonal release for him or a sign that he's bored and wants more than i can offer.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

You sound just like my husband and I. From the very beginning of our marriage he would watch porn and jack off. In the beginning, he would often do it when I WANTED to have sex. But, catching him watching porn and his thing in his hand was ALWAYS a turn off and sex wouldn't happen. In that regard women are typically wired different than men. I was so offended and hurt that he would rather do that than have sex with me. Eventually I started turning him down for sex and avoiding sex with him. If he would rather jack off to ****s on the web, I wasn't interested. I felt like I wasn't his type and he wasn't really interested in me. Really quite difficult to have sex with a man you totally believe is not really interested in you. You feel like a piece of meat there only to serve one purpose. The feeling of love is non existent.

Now, for years I did not understand that a man has to have that physical release. I equate it to a mother who is breast feeding. You feel a VERY strong need to breast feed because if you don't you feel like your boobs are going to explode. Well, it may not feel exactly the same to men, but it's the same concept. You might explain this to her.

But, when you do explain that to her, be prepare to be romantic with your wife. Make sure she knows and FEELS that you find her attractive and that you love her. You watching porn has probably totally torpedoed how she thinks you feel about her. You want to have sex, not just jack off? Make sure your wife WANTS to have sex with you. And yes it'll mean you have to work at it at first and repair the damage done by you watching porn and taking care of your own business.

After 7 years of marriage and my husband's affair nearly destroying my marriage he finally understands how important it is that he makes me feel attractive and loved in order to have sex with me. Women are not a piece of meat for your pleasure, they need to feel love to want sex.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Crypsys said:


> Do you want brutal honesty? Yes, you are being unreasonable. There is a primal drive for a healthy man to want a woman. But you don't go out and try to pick up women in real life to go to bed with you, do you? There are a lot of things everyone stops because they shouldn't do it. Your wife finds porn offensive, so you should cut it out.
> 
> Your wife has told you she doesn't like porn and wants you to put your energy towards her. What does that mean? She wants you to woo her, court her, show her the same kind of attention you did when you were dating. Many times we guys take our wives for granted and stop doing those little extra things for our wives. The kisses before bed, holding hands when your out, putting her head in your lap while you watch tv. For many women, it's those little things that can rekindle their sex drive.
> 
> For a while it's going to suck because you won't get the release from porn and your wife will still be a bit unreachable. But, work for enough time and things will turn around. You and your wife should go to this site 5 Love Languages and take the test. It will help you find the areas you wife is looking for you to speak to her love language.



he is being unreasonable ? really ? judging by the post she is asking him to stop looking at porn and give her all of his attention . he did not say she was not recieving all of his attention . or that his porn viewing , presumeable for masturbation pourposes as most of us use it , was in any way causing him to neglect his wife .

she has an issue with porn and is using sex as a weapon to stop him from doing something she does not like . something that she does not have to view . he should definitely stand his ground and not let her minipulate him . 

or he should do to her what she is doing to him . tell her that she needs to start doing something that he likes regardless of how she feels and tell her if she doesnt it makes her feel like she no longer wants to make him feel loved and desired by her .


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

Dude, surprise your wife and f*** her already, even if she says no or she is too tired. Sometimes I say I am too tire but my bf goes for it anyway, and than I not only but don't want to say no.

Porn turns me off majorly, I tell my bf to erase his history because I don't want to see it AT ALL, it's porbably the largest turn off for me, it made me lose interest in sex many many times. Now I don't care so much about it but still have mixed feelings.

Recently my bf and I were slacking on having sex, after reading a thread on here, I somehow brough up porn and even thought I wasn't blaming porn for it, he actually stopped and said "you are right, I should be saving and concentrating all my energy on you". It made me really happy to hear that I come before porn and that he realized that we could be doing better, nonetheless we ended up having sex 3 times that night, and that was a weekday.

There are some times when you're exhausted and don't have the energy, for ex. this week we both caught a cold and have been feeling awful and tired, so I know he prob watched some porn and I was okay with that.

You should resolve to porn just because you're not getting in bed. If you're not getting it, maybe take some of the load off your wife, even doing that once a week will awak a new interest of her in you. Do something romantic, that she can't say no. Seduce her to, just starts kissing her and nibbling on her neck, don't stop. Tell her something sexy "I want you, and I want you now, I know you want to say no but that is not an option". Believe women (many and most) like some domination, take action and she will follow.

If my bf just did this, I couldn't resist saying no no matter how f***ing tired I am


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

I understand the attraction of porn to a male, but I think it is a cancer to a marriage. Further, it's incredibly degrading to the women involved, I really can't believe it's reach is so wide. It should be illegal (not meaning to pick a fight on that topic, it shouldn't need the legal system to get involved).


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