# Hello Everyone



## Bluebird92816 (Mar 25, 2020)

Hi I’m blue! I’ve been married for 18 yrs this May. Most of my marriage has been quite challenging. My husband and I got married very young, I was 21 he was 25. In the initial years of our marriage he was in the military. During that time I know of 2 affairs he had. One of those I didn’t discover until 10 years into our marriage. At that time he reconnected with the lady (she lives in South America). He would show me pictures of her and her family. He would Skype her in our family room. I was told she was an old friend and the 2 of them were working together on a business venture. At one point he left his email account open and I discovered messages of them reminiscing about their sexual encounters and their past relationship. When I confronted him about it he was unapologetic and said I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy. Needless to say I was devastated but chose to stay in the marriage. At that time our kids were quite young. Fast forward to now, my marriage is strained. I am still resentful and I haven’t forgiven him. How do you forgive someone who never found it necessary to apologize? A couple of years ago he moved out of our bedroom stating he was protesting my unappreciative behavior. I was furious and since then I have started to search for happiness and companionship outside of my marriage. I feel terrible guilty but honestly at the same time I feel justified. I have tried so hard but nothing has worked. We’ve been to marriage counseling twice. I’ve also been to counseling on my own. I don’t know what to do or if I should continue to try to save this marriage any longer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, rug sweeping an affair never, ever works, as you have unfortunately found out. Do you know what else doesn't work? Revenge affairs.

They are not worth it. At all. It can level the playing field, temporarily make you feel better, make your spouse have a better understanding of what you went through, etc. but it also brings you down to their level and now you are just as bad as they were. It also makes a messy situation much messier. I know, because I took the "my wife slept with two people, so can I!" route. It doesn't matter what justifications you came up with, you and your husband are both cheaters and you now have double the mess to clean up. Your husband cheating and leaving the bedroom is NOT an excuse for your own cheating. I'm sorry, but it's just not. It is a good reason to end the marriage, but not to cheat. You are not forced to stay in this marriage and there are other choices you could have made but chose not to.

Do you WANT to fix your marriage? If you could snap your fingers and be happily married or happily divorced, which would you choose? There can be happiness at the end of both paths, but both come at a price. Marriages _can_ recover from infidelity but it is a long, hard process (years, not weeks or months). If you BOTH aren't going to put in the effort, then yes, it's time to throw in the towel.

If you do want to fix your marriage, or even think it's a possibility, then step one is to STOP whatever it is you are doing outside of your marriage. You cannot fix your marriage while ****ing someone else, having emotions for someone else, or whatever else you are doing with someone else.

Step two would be counseling for yourself (your marriage comes later). Whether you stay or leave, it should be done with the guidance of a good counselor. They will help you figure out what you really want, and why you allowed yourself to wind up here in the first place. If you decide you want to reconcile, then you better get used to therapists because you will spend a lot of time with them. Is it expensive? Yes, but it's cheaper than divorce (in most cases). Going once or twice is not enough, at all.

If you decide you want to reconcile, then you need to come clean to your husband and see if he wants to do the work with you or not. That means dealing with BOTH his affairs and yours. It's possible that like you, he is currently cheating. If he's not getting any at home, then he's most likely getting it somewhere else. Be prepared for that. 

If he decides YOUR cheating was a dealbreaker, he may be a hypocrite but he has that right. Just like YOU can say that his prior cheating is a dealbreaker, even all these years later. If you both decide to stay together, it will only work if you both put in the work.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But it does sound he's unwilling to do the heavy lifting, in the relationship and if you know he will not time to call it. Because resentment will finish off what little is left. As you are finding out. Time to take a measure if it is worth staying because of the two known affairs.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Bluebird92816 said:


> I have started to search for happiness and companionship outside of my marriage.


"Started to search" ... does that mean you have actually done the deed?



> We’ve been to marriage counseling twice.


Does that mean two sessions, or two different counselors?
I'd really want to know a little more about what happened in MC. 



> I don’t know what to do or if I should continue to try to save this marriage any longer.


It is potentially saveable, based on what you have said, if you both want to. But it requires commitment, time, and expert help. And I mean an MC who is an expert in affair recovery. But before that you both have to decide if you want to save it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

"You're a bluebird on a telegraph line. I hope you're happy now"
Sorry couldn't resist. 
I have a different take on your search. 
First look at this:
Three paths to happiness

Also I'm not sure it is a revenge affair (which I would also advise against). My reasoning goes like this: For over 2 years he has abandoned the marital bed. There is no trust in the relationship. So with no trust, and no sex, and no love all that is left is some legal paperwork and financial liability. Business. Sure you should divorce first, But it's just cleaning up the paperwork on a separation that happened years ago. 

Another way to look at that would be, if you are ready to seek an affair, you are ready to divorce. 

Finally back to that article that I linked you to. Don't take the first path to happiness. It does not lead to lasting (long term) happiness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Bluebird92816 Your husband would have cheated no matter what age he married, in all likelihood. 

You are allowing him to turn you into a cheater, too, which is not good.

You should see a divorce lawyer as he is an entitled soul who will never change.


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