# Is he having an affair?



## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

Hello everyone, new here. I am 30 years old, my husband is 33, we have been married for almost six years. We do not have children yet, but have been seriously discussing trying next year. My issue is that I suspect he is having an affair with a co-worker, which he denies. We both have friends of the opposite sex, that we will go out with from time to time, and that has never been an issue. He made friends with a woman at work, whom I have never met. He is an engineer and she works at the same office. He is her superior technically but is not directly over her. They have gone to lunch a few times, which I did not have a problem with. The problem is that they text constantly, talk on the phone alot (even until 2am), and she is resistant to meeting me. He spends time with her and her daughter (who is 5) very frequently. He said that she is "lonely" since her divorce and is just a friend. The most recent thing, though, happened when he was going to go over to her house for a late dinner one night, and did not come home until the next morning. He claims that he fell asleep on the couch after dinner when they were watching tv, and she just gave him a blanket and let him sleep. I was so furious and worried when I woke up and he was not home. He has acted like it was no big deal, that I am being ridiculous and overreacting. He says that nothing happened and he needs freedom and doesnt want to feel like I am going to disapprove of the things he wants to do with his friends. I dont know what to do. I feel so hurt and confused- am i making something out of nothing? I have no idea what to do at this point. Please help.... any opionions would be very much appreciated.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

jls0515,

I would say at the ver least it sounds like an emotional affair (EA) although you cann't rule out a PA at this point. There is a script that all disloyals follow and so far your husband appears to be following it.

Lies, deceit, turning it around on you is part of the script. As far as texting all the time -- usually shows at least an EA. Have you looked at his phone? Read any of the texts? If he says that is his privacy you should say no that is secrecy not privacy. Privacy in a relationship is only when one is going to the bathroom.

Look at posts by Affaircare, Tanelornpete and Turnera. Also you can go to affaircare.com and get some info about the script.

I wish you well.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

jls0515 said:


> He has acted like it was no big deal, that I am being ridiculous and overreacting. He says that nothing happened and he needs freedom and doesnt want to feel like I am going to disapprove of the things he wants to do with his friends.


Needs freedom?? Wants to do what HE wants with his friends?? Red flag for me. After catching on that my husband was texting this girl for a while and I confronted him about it he told me that I can't tell him who he can be freinds witha nd cant tell him what to do - 3 years later i'm ready to leaev his ass b/c he's only gotten worse doing what HE WANTS to do!


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

I have not read any of the texts, but I did accidentally see an email one time where she said something about his "wife situation". i feel like there is definitely something going on there, and now all of a sudden out of the blue, he feels like we have all these problems, and that things are not going very well, and that he doesnt know if he wants to keep trying. I feel completely blindsided, how can things go from so good to everything being destroyed? I feel sick and exhausted, and horribly depressed. I thought this was going to be forever, I have always felt like he is my best friend, my lover, my whole life. How could he do this?


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Needs freedom?? Wants to do what HE wants with his friends?? Red flag for me. After catching on that my husband was texting this girl for a while and I confronted him about it he told me that I can't tell him who he can be freinds witha nd cant tell him what to do - 3 years later i'm ready to leaev his ass b/c he's only gotten worse doing what HE WANTS to do!



Exactly, and when, under any circumstances, is it ok to have a sleepover like that? I have never been jealous or controlling but his behavior has been so hurtful and insulting. Does anyone think that it is ok for a married man to sleep over at a single female friends condo?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No


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## Mulan4Peace (Oct 1, 2010)

Red flag...I won't buy that ****. Consider yourself lucky for not having any kid w/ this loser. You are free as a bird...so please fly away. Find activity and meet other men. He obviously and will eventually leave you for someone else. Don't sit at home waiting for the news, look for an exit yourself that way you won't look like a fool.

After a while, men might start feeling tired w/ just one person. the fact that you are married doesn't change a thing, that's why there are so many divorces. Don't cling on to these kind of men, move on or you will be hurt badly. Make your move now so it won't hurt as bad. Join a gym or something, I hear exercising can really cope w/ stress and at the same time make yourself look and feel better. The more you transition yourself to look better, the more he'll regret for doing this to you.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I am/was just liek you - never jealous or controlling but it made it so much easeir for my husband to take advantage of me. Also, his excuse that she needs consoling b/c of the divorce is pure crap. My husband gave me that line about the girl I confronted him about - told me she recently broke up w her BF and was seeking advice. Mind you he met her out in Vegas - total stranger. What a dummy I was!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Mulan4Peace said:


> Red flag...I won't buy that ****. Consider yourself lucky for not having any kid w/ this loser. You are free as a bird...so please fly away. Find activity and meet other men. He obviously and will eventually leave you for someone else. Don't sit at home waiting for the news, look for an exit yourself that way you won't look like a fool.
> 
> After a while, men might start feeling tired w/ just one person. the fact that you are married doesn't change a thing, that's why there are so many divorces. Don't cling on to these kind of men, move on or you will be hurt badly. Make your move now so it won't hurt as bad. Join a gym or something, I hear exercising can really cope w/ stress and at the same time make yourself look and feel better. The more you transition yourself to look better, the more he'll regret for doing this to you.


Totally agree with you!! Same situation w/ me no kids, early 30's and looking damn good


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just keep in mind they always lie. Always will lie. I'll never forget the thread where a husband caught a naked man climbing down off of his naked wife in his bed and she denied to the end that anything was going on.

I know, right?

That relationship is inappropriate as heck. No kids? Run!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Sounds almost like my now ex husband except he did not stay overnight anywhere but did some other stupid things. He tried to give the same excuses but he never openly admitted anything nor apologized. He even filed for divorce. If you don't have kids it makes it ten times easier to walk away.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry you've been thrust in this mess. Lot's of encouragement on this board, but I think you are looking for actions.

You have two choices - either ride it out, be a good wife and have him realize over time that he's being an idiot. (High risk, unlikely to succeed, but you avoid the discomfort of having to bring it to a head now.)

Or, offer an ultimatum and when he refuses (because he most likely will), you send him packing. (Down side - he'll almost certainly end up in the bed of the other woman, if he hasn't already. But will be forced to deal with the reality of the situation and may come around to realizing what a huge mistake he's made.)

Both suck for you and no matter what happens it is going to be very hard for the foreseeable future.

The reality is that he is having some version of an affair. Possibly "just" an emotional affair, probably a physical one. If you read the book Not Just Friends, the author Shirley Glass, very clearly explains how these things happen. She talks about walls and windows. How intimacy comes from windows into your partners life, and that during an affair, the wayward spouse puts up walls with his/her partner, and windows with the affair partner. 

That's the situation you are in. He may not even realize he's in an affair, but at some level probably does.

The good news is that men are more likely to come crawling back after some tough love by their wives. The bad news is that it can take months for that to happen, during which time he is most certainly going to have sex with her. 

The thing you need to decide is if you can stand up for yourself with him, or if you would rather just wait and see and suffer. If you choose to confront him, I'd favor an emotionally-restrained approach. Something like, "you are clearly involved with this woman at some level. It makes me very uncomfortable. As your wife, i expect you to treat my needs and feelings as the priority in your life which will mean you end your friendship with her immediately and we begin couple's counseling. If you are unwilling to do that, then I need you to move out." Try not to cry or get emotional. He'll come back with all sorts of "you are being unreasonable, you don't understand, you are over reacting" bullsh*t. Don't believe a word of it. He is enjoying the attention and the high he gets from this woman. Right now you don't factor into his vision of himself.

If you choose to confront, please read everything you can on affairs. There are many good books, and the resources notes in this thread on this site.

Be strong. You can get through it.


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for the support and advice. I have not told anyone about this yet, since I am not sure what to do, so it is nice to have a place to talk about it. I just feel so incredibly hurt, and I do not undertsand why he would have done something like this. We have always gotten along great, we have a good life together, lots of family and friends, I do so much for him, and I have always really taken care of myself and consider myself to be pretty attractive... so I guess I am not sure what it is that he wants. On the one hand, I am so hurt and disgusted that I want to leave and end it now, but on the other hand I love him so much, and the thought of not having him in my life hurts so badly. But, now he is saying that he does not know if his heart is in it, he does not know what to do to "find happiness", and it also seems like he has lost all interest in me physically, even when I try to initiate it, he is always "tired" (and like I said I have always worked really hard to keep myself in good shape and take care of myself, so that is especially hurtful). I just cannot see why he would do this.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

jls0515,

Start with the fact you may never know why he did this because there won't be a smoking gun, not a single thing. Most likely this has been building up in his mind for a while. Right now you are in shock about it -- to be expected - but at some point you will need to step back and objectively look at how each of you treated the other during the last few years.  Now I'm not making an excuse for your H regarding cheating -- because that was his choice -- his decision -- and as an adult he needs to deal with the consequences of his decision which could be losing you forever.

You do need to ask yourself -- do you want the marriage? could you ever trust him again? can you forgive him? These are big questions for you to answer, because if you say no to any of them then you might as well file for divorce yourself right away. But if you say yes to all of them -- then you have a lot of work to do.

No matter what you need to take care of yourself -- eat right, get sleep so you can be more in control of your emotions. Let us know your answers so we can help you proceed.

Peace.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

don't take it personally. It is the fog of an affair fantasy. trust me, this has little to do with the person you are today. There was obviously something lacking in your relationship but his affair is not your fault. 

You need to find out what was wrong in your relationship to fix this but right now you should work on yourself. He will lie, cheat and deceive as at the moment he has no respect for you. IMHO you need to get tough, show him he can't do this. 

Make him sleep elsewhere, go out with your friends. Act like you don't need him. Maybe ask him to leave if he continues to act like this?? Don't beg/cry act needy/useless etc.. this will drive him away

How do I know. Because I have been through it and done all the wrong things and then all the right things. I cried/begged etc and trust me it is NOT going to make him realise he wants you. Then my wife moved out and I just got on with stuff that made me happy, made her realise I am the person she fell in love with and am happy without her. She lasted 4-5 weeks and moved back.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

He is lying to you. He is going to be full of deceit and lies right now. He's living in a fantasy and he likes it so he'll lie his butt off to protect that fantasy.

You really should look at his phone more closely. If you feel you need more information, this is a place to start. Do it late at night after he has gone to bed or when he's in the shower or something. I know it's pretty easy for me to take a peak at my husbands phone whenever I want. And since his affair I do it pretty regularly. Also, check his email. If you can check his work email that would be great, but if not, check his personal email. I'm sure you'll find what you are looking for. I found the jackpot when I was looking at my husband's personal email.

At this point, you don't have enough information to make your decision. You know in your gut what is happening, but you don't have the proof you need. You need to get the proof, so you will know for sure that he is lying to you. We can tell you on this board he is lying, because we've been through it. But, having the proof, will make a huge difference for you. Even if he continues to lie to you, you will know, with absolute certainty, what the truth is.

When you have the truth you can make the decision you need to make for yourself. If you choose to stay, you'll really want to read a book called "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F Harley. It'll have great advice on how to cope no matter what path your marriage takes. I was lucky and when I showed the proof I found to my husband he ended his affair right away. But, that isn't the case for all marriages. Some people have to endure the affair while it continues, even faced with the proof of the affair. That book covers that and gives some great advice on it.

Good Luck!!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

:iagree:

Above is excellent advice.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

*You, have every right to be upset with what​He has been doing. For one though- he should not be running all over town as he is single; because the man, (Your husband) is married. He, is suppose to be in love with you, showing you he loves you, and only you... With him doing all the things you've said he has been acting on. Is not how a married man or even a female should be acting...​
For one, people are always thinking that love​Love, is just something that comes so easily. Well, true love is not something that is just handed over- it is something that comes from the heart- when you are with someone, you are to give your whole self to that person. Not, just part of yourself but yourself. This is something that he is not doing and it shows with flying colors he is cheating on you. Like I was saying though. If you have someone in your life; a boyfriend, girlfriend or even husband or wife- You are telling that person "I am taking you within my heart and I am giving my whole self to you" Now, when that ring is to enter the finger you are not to cheat, you are not to act on anything. Cheating is something so very wrong. You, would not being doing this if you really love the person you are with..​
True love is something very precious and something​​That is so very rare. It should be treated as if it is something you would want to treasure for the rest of your life... Your Husband would not be doing these things if he had true love for you... You cannot be in love with two at once there is noway- it may feel like the person is loving two people but the only thing it shows is- they are drawling between two people... This is something you are really going to have to watch out for. Your husband he is stuck between a few different females- he is not acting on your heart and your feelings; all he is caring about is the other female feeling like she is all alone. It is not his job to act this and to take care of... Right there with him saying "She is lonely" it shows right there he is filling in on what she needs... Most likely that night your husband did not come home- he was cheating on you.... It is not the first time either...

Sometimes, when people have to much trust​For their loved ones- that person will act on things and think that "Oh, they will believe me; they'll believe me on anything I tell them they have all the trust there is for me" Well, trust comes from the heart- it is not something that just is not handed over... Now, if he is cheating on you; you, need to find out what caused this, why, this has taken place. Then you need to ask yourself "Can this marriage even be saved after him cheating on me" It does hurt and it will make you, feel as you would never trust the person again... Saying sorry as he would is not always just enough though- Also it does not mean for you to just forget either- because you won't. You just need to ask yourself and trust yourself and listen to what your heart is telling you...​
Good luck, and I am very sorry you are feeling​This way- but nobody should ever feel the pain of someone cheating...​*


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

Sadara said:


> But, that isn't the case for all marriages. Some people have to endure the affair while it continues, even faced with the proof of the affair.


That is part of what is just killing me, is that he will not stop, even when I confronted him after he was there all night. He claims to be doing nothing wrong, so I am the unreasonable one. Even if he did not do anything with her physically (which I think he has), the constant talking and texting and staying over there is unacceptable. He refuses to honor my wishes. I would like if he would never talk to this girl again, he said she "needs a friend" and actually had the nerve to tell me not to talk bad about her  I was so shocked that he would say that, but yet she sent him a message on facebook that was criticizing me.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

jls,

It is clear to me that you now need to set a boundary with your h. That boundary is done this wasy "I love you and want to be with you but if you cannot respect me enough to stop calling, e-mailing, texting, meeting up with {____}, then you aren't in the marriage with me. Since you aren't in the marriage with me you will leave this house."

I know that this sounds harsh and is counterintuitive to what you really want to do which is pursue him, but it is the best thing to do for your marriage. You have to set a boundary and enforce consequences on him for his actions.

He will try to turn this around on you -- which he is already doing "so I am the unreasonable one" -- don't fall for that crap. It is just trying to make you feel guilty so that he can continue on. He is in the fog now -- the alternate reality that this is only friendship and how dare you for intruding. 

The only way to save the marriage is to set up a boundary, enforce it and end the affair. The sooner you realize that and act on it, the better. Now if you don't care about the marriage then file for divorce. But it is up to you.

I know it is hard. Maybe the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it is necessary. Otherwise you will twist in the wind blaming yourself.

Listen I waited too long to do this and I lost my w. Don't follow in my foot steps.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with seekingsanity.

Either ride it out or confront him.

Trust your women's intuition - if you suspect it is more than that, it just may be. Do not bury your head in the sand or YOU will be the one with the "deer in the headlights" look on your face when it all comes tumbling down.

She's divorced, has a child and they talk and text all the time because she's lonely - well, my woman's intuition says there is more going on...you need to investigate and found out what it really is and nip it in the bud or continue to let him talk around the subject and do what he wants.

And falling asleep on her couch - come on, sometimes men are really clueless - do they thing that we are really that stupid!

Get on top of it or stay in the dark - your choice. But good luck and I hope things work out...keep us posted.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

jls0515 said:


> That is part of what is just killing me, is that he will not stop, even when I confronted him after he was there all night. He claims to be doing nothing wrong, so I am the unreasonable one. Even if he did not do anything with her physically (which I think he has), the constant talking and texting and staying over there is unacceptable. He refuses to honor my wishes. I would like if he would never talk to this girl again, he said she "needs a friend" and actually had the nerve to tell me not to talk bad about her  I was so shocked that he would say that, but yet she sent him a message on facebook that was criticizing me.


*Like, I have told you, he is cheatingIf he is not then he, is just about to the point where is going to be acting on this other females needs... You as the wife- should be able to talk about this women doing what she is doing- how she is acting. That is your Husband not hers. As a husband he should not be telling you, not to be talking about her; he should be telling her "Do not talk about my wife that way- and if you, keep doing so I will have to end our friendship because you are taking more into it then it is" Now, he should be saying that to this other female... You, have by all rights to be asking him what is going on, you have not done anything wrong- it is on him. He is the one showing you, that he is not acting right on his marriage- this is why, once you are married you really should not have the other sex for friends and if you do- make sure that the husband or the wife is with you at the time of going out with the friend(s) then you, would not think anything of it... I say you, need to watch him very closely; which I would not ever say to people though; because if you are having true love for the person you, would also be trusting them as well. But as I said on my other posting "You have had trust in him and he is just using that trust as a toy"​
Good luck, on finding your answers​*


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

jls0515 said:


> He refuses to honor my wishes. I would like if he would never talk to this girl again, he said she "needs a friend" and actually had the nerve to tell me not to talk bad about her


Refuses to honor your wishes... He refuses to HONOR YOU PERIOD!!

My God! Your husband sounds just like mine!! When i confronted him that first time, 3 years ago I made a threat against the girl, claiming I'd track her down, confront her and harm her. He defended her!! Told me not to touch her!!


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Refuses to honor your wishes... He refuses to HONOR YOU PERIOD!!
> 
> My God! Your husband sounds just like mine!! When i confronted him that first time, 3 years ago I made a threat against the girl, claiming I'd track her down, confront her and harm her. He defended her!! Told me not to touch her!!


You are right, even if he thinks it is unreasonable for me to not want him to talk to her, I am his WIFE. He has not even known this girl for that long, why does he care about her so much? And when he defended her, I was so angry and so disgusted with him it almost made me sick. And yes, I would like nothing more than to hurt her, she is disgusting, the only think keeping me from that is not wanting to get into trouble, she is not worth it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like its time for war. Are you willing to fight?
If so, Affaircare has some great rules of ingagement, use them.
There is a script that he is following, all cheaters use it, they just don't know it. With this info you will know his next step.

When the cheater refuses your request you have the right as a spouse to do the things that will seem wrong in the eyes of the cheater, but WTF the cheater isn't playing by the rules either should you, so alls fair in love and war. 
Be warn this may push him away, so choose wisely.

If you had evidence of a PA that would help, but for the most part he is screwing you over emotional, so lets call it a EA or at the very least a relationship.
Confront your H and let him know that since your requesrt have not been met, that you have no chouce but to confront your family and friends about this "relationship" including the OW. Indicating that the "relationship" is huting the marriage he will not end it and that it is uneceptable. (you are his wife you have that right)
I know its killing you, so work this angle, it about the marriage and in the end it will effect you H if does not stop. If you can get him to see that he and others will also be effected,not just you, you may get him to start second quessing his actions. 

This is just a start there is a ton of info. read up and fight or move on, your call.


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

That is the thing, I have not decided what it is I want to do. I just want my life back! But then I think about the awful things he has been saying to me lately, and how disgusted I am and I want to leave. And he still denies everything. I do not know what they said because they have been deleted, but I know from phone records he texts her well over 100 times a day from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, and calls and talks to her at least 2 hours EVERY DAY. Even if there has been nothing physical, that behavior in unacceptable! But every time I bring it up it ends in an argument. And I like how now that he has met her, all of a sudden he needs to "find happiness" and "things have been bad for a while, I just did not realize I was miserable". And I do not believe that he could stay the night with her and have nothing at all happen!


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## Kidjakaj55 (Oct 5, 2010)

I am so sorry you are going through this, I feel your pain and confusion.

Affairs can make a person feel very young again and can be very exciting, when we are married and that first glow of love dies a good part of that excitement goes and for some they miss that.

IF he is having an affair and I beleive he is, then none of this is your fault and nothing you did or didn't do would change this. This is his decision and his responsibility.

I think you have been wise to keep this to yourself so far - so that you could get your head around what is happening without everyone close to you adivising you what you should be doing and taking sides.

That can be soul destroying. My husband had a long standing affair for the best part of 10 years for sex only - yes it does happen - it took a long time for me to get my head around it and to realise that I was not to blame and did not have to compete, that this was his issue.

Only you can decide what is best for you, your marriage is sacred and your vows real, however only you can make your own choices. 

You often hear people say that they would never do this or that, reality is that when you are confronted with a situation your decisions are very different from what you thought you might do.

He would have to commit to not seeing her at all, seeing a MC and doing everything in his power to make your marriage stronger. You both need to talk and listen.

Whether there has been an affair or not he has breached your trust and now must right this wrong.

I wish you an easy road forward. Take care.

Kezza


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Print this info out (all of it) it looks better on paper(talk is cheap).
When my W thought I was over reacting I printed out the records and showed her, then walked away.
He my not understand what you are telling him b/c of the "fog" so SHOW HIM WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON PAPER. Then take a copy and send it to everyone he cares about. 

I understand you have not made up your mind, but until you do, you will stay on this site complaining about it and nothing will change. You are hurting and so was I, but when I decided to go balls out and confront with the possiblity of loosing my W I excepted that plan. Make a plan and work the plan. the help is out there use it.

PLEASE MAKE A DISCISION NOW! you will heal one way or another


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

one more thing, when he looks at 5+/- pages of text messaging minutes of incoming and outgoing, and another few pages with the amount of minutes on calls, he has to see what you are seeing. 
Please forgive my frustration, I've been there.


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

I did try to confront him with the evidence and all that happened was I got accused of "snooping, checking up on him and being pathetic". He said again that nothing is going on and I should trust him. What a joke! I have alot of very close friends, but I do not text ANY of them 100+ times a day and talk for hours a day... I do not even text or call my twin sister that much and we are extremely close! There is no way this girl is just a friend. Somehow now things have deteriorated to the point where he wont even answer my calls and sometimes wont come home at night, when he doesnt answer my calls he said he was sleeping, but according to phone records he was texting and talking to her. I am getting to the point where I hate him so much and I think if I ever see this girl in person I will not be able to control myself. Did I mention that she is 23? So he is willing to destroy everything for this trashy, ugly girl who is 10 years younger than him! And I know it seems like all I have been doing is coming on here to complain instead of taking action but that is one of the reasons I did this, because alot of the people on here know how this feels and I can vent here, and get some good advice too! I just dont see how you can choose someone you have only known for a few months over your wife. Not to mention that our families are very close, I love his parents and his brothers and sisters, and he is very close to mine as well. I just cannot begin to understand this. I really feel like this is killing me. I can literally barely function. It takes everything I have in me to go to work and act normal, and even then I have to excuse myself to the restroom, cry, and reapply my makeup so no one knows. At home all I want to do is cry. I feel pathetic, but this has just completely destroyed my heart.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

i feel your pain JLS - cannot believe how I have some of the same exact feeling as you. I love my husbands family and his friends (well some) too and the same with him - my family and friends think the world of him. That is who I feel i will hurt more them not him when I leave him. 

I was accused of snooping to and he threw in my face that if i didn't trust him he might as well be out there cheating. This was even before we got married. I should have seen the signs and read the writing on the wall.

You need to wake up - he's not coming home! This I haven't dealt with that but you are 100% right - he should not be texting/calling this chick 100x's a day! You knowing that he is doing this when he says he isn't should also be a huge indication that he is lying and definitely up to something. Let the 23 yr old ruin his life. My guy likes the young ones too - I have to deal with even teenagers which is really sad. 

Good luck JLS!!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

the guy said:


> Print this info out (all of it) it looks better on paper(talk is cheap).
> When my W thought I was over reacting I printed out the records and showed her, then walked away.
> He my not understand what you are telling him b/c of the "fog" so SHOW HIM WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON PAPER. Then take a copy and send it to everyone he cares about.
> 
> ...



def print out the records - i had such joy literally throwing it in his face when I confronted my husband 3 years ago. Now unfortunately i do not have that luxury since his phone is under the business and i have no access


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

jls0515 said:


> I did try to confront him with the evidence and all that happened was I got accused of "snooping, checking up on him and being pathetic". He said again that nothing is going on and I should trust him. What a joke! I have alot of very close friends, but I do not text ANY of them 100+ times a day and talk for hours a day... I do not even text or call my twin sister that much and we are extremely close! There is no way this girl is just a friend. Somehow now things have deteriorated to the point where he wont even answer my calls and sometimes wont come home at night, when he doesnt answer my calls he said he was sleeping, but according to phone records he was texting and talking to her. I am getting to the point where I hate him so much and I think if I ever see this girl in person I will not be able to control myself. Did I mention that she is 23? So he is willing to destroy everything for this trashy, ugly girl who is 10 years younger than him! And I know it seems like all I have been doing is coming on here to complain instead of taking action but that is one of the reasons I did this, because alot of the people on here know how this feels and I can vent here, and get some good advice too! I just dont see how you can choose someone you have only known for a few months over your wife. Not to mention that our families are very close, I love his parents and his brothers and sisters, and he is very close to mine as well. I just cannot begin to understand this. I really feel like this is killing me. I can literally barely function. It takes everything I have in me to go to work and act normal, and even then I have to excuse myself to the restroom, cry, and reapply my makeup so no one knows. At home all I want to do is cry. I feel pathetic, but this has just completely destroyed my heart.


It sounds to me like you have the information/proof you need to make your decision. Stay or leave? You can't wait it out. You have to make a choice. If you leave, that's pretty easy to do actually. As hard as it might sound, it's easy to walk away and start your life over. But, if you choose to stay, it does sound very much like you will have to wait out the affair. I posted this for you before, if this is what you have to do, wait out the affair, you really really need to read Surviving an Affair. In fact, don't wait start reading it now. I'm not a fast reader, but I read the whole thing in just a couple of evenings. It will help you and give you some great advice. 

Have you considered exposing his affair to his friends and family? You may have confronted him with it, but that is oh so not the same thing as exposing him to the world about his activity. I exposed my husbands affair to all our friends and family. Let's just say his Momma showing up at our door had a major impact on him. At first, my husband was angry angry angry over my exposing him. If you choose to expose your spouse, be ready for that. They'll be as mad as a hornet. But, only when the affair ends can you start to resolve the real problems in your marriage.

I know you want your life back, but even if the affair ends, you'll probably never have the marriage that you did before. That marriage is gone and over. The marriage you have from here on out will be different. It'll have to be.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

JLS,

So (1) you've shown him the evidence -- and he denies, and (2) you've asked him to stop and he continues on. 

Where are the consequences? I believe you should take the evidence -- the texting amount and phone call times etc. on paper to his family and share with them your feelings. But you must approach it as I love him, I want to be with him, but this is unacceptable -- thinking about, talking to, texting to this girl when it should be for me. See what they say. This is not being vengeful, it is bringing to light the affair -- exposure. Bring it out from the dark, secret place that it is into the sunshine for all to see. Ask them for their help in returning him to the marriage.

Now he will get mad at this -- to be expected - probably call you crazy and that you are invading his privacy (he is already saying that), but don't let him turn this onto you. That is why the phone records are important (make sure you have copies in a safe place). If he calls you crazy say I'm just looking at the facts in black and white on paper -- I'm not delusional. If he says you are invading his privacy -- please correct him that it is his secrecy. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage.

This is from the script. The script was posting on this forum some where -- find it so you will be prepared.


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## HeavenSent (Oct 7, 2010)

You, have every right to be upset with what
He has been doing. For one though- he should not be running all over town as he is single; because the man, (Your husband) is married. He, is suppose to be in love with you, showing you he loves you, and only you... With him doing all the things you've said he has been acting on. Is not how a married man or even a female should be acting...


For one, people are always thinking that love
Love, is just something that comes so easily. Well, true love is not something that is just handed over- it is something that comes from the heart- when you are with someone, you are to give your whole self to that person. Not, just part of yourself but yourself. This is something that he is not doing and it shows with flying colors he is cheating on you. Like I was saying though. If you have someone in your life; a boyfriend, girlfriend or even husband or wife- You are telling that person "I am taking you within my heart and I am giving my whole self to you" Now, when that ring is to enter the finger you are not to cheat, you are not to act on anything. Cheating is something so very wrong. You, would not being doing this if you really love the person you are with..

True love is something very precious and somethingThat is so very rare. It should be treated as if it is something you would want to treasure for the rest of your life... Your Husband would not be doing these things if he had true love for you... You cannot be in love with two at once there is noway- it may feel like the person is loving two people but the only thing it shows is- they are drawling between two people... This is something you are really going to have to watch out for. Your husband he is stuck between a few different females- he is not acting on your heart and your feelings; all he is caring about is the other female feeling like she is all alone. It is not his job to act this and to take care of... Right there with him saying "She is lonely" it shows right there he is filling in on what she needs... Most likely that night your husband did not come home- he was cheating on you.... It is not the first time either...


Sometimes, when people have to much trust
For their loved ones- that person will act on things and think that "Oh, they will believe me; they'll believe me on anything I tell them they have all the trust there is for me" Well, trust comes from the heart- it is not something that just is not handed over... Now, if he is cheating on you; you, need to find out what caused this, why, this has taken place. Then you need to ask yourself "Can this marriage even be saved after him cheating on me" It does hurt and it will make you, feel as you would never trust the person again... Saying sorry as he would is not always just enough though- Also it does not mean for you to just forget either- because you won't. You just need to ask yourself and trust yourself and listen to what your heart is telling you...​


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## michelle77 (Oct 7, 2010)

Regardless whether he is or isn't having an affair, there are some deep issues with your relationship. The fact that you allowed things to go so far with someone you have not met is strange. But red flag signs aside, it looks like your marriage is having issues. 

Let's pretend this is a guy and not a girl. You probably wouldn't even think twice about the cheating. But you would think about why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Looks like he may love you but has fallen out of love with you.

Maybe he is already gone. better to have this conversation now without the baggage of kids. Time to talk about it without arguing and see if your relationship is salvagable


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you going to take the phone records and show them to your family and friends?
You need to take the angle that you are uncomfortable with this "relationship" and let the family know that he is not helping the marriage. So lets say there is nothing going on, as his wife you are asking him to stop this relationship with this "friend" and he is refusing. 
Please get your family/friends involved so that the presser will be coming from all direction. 
This will piss him off, but good, he must know that this "relationship" is not helping the marriage and you are NOT going to stand by and be disrespected so stop or suffer the consquences. 

Please take care of your self you will need your strenght to either throw him out or fight for the marriage.

And by all means confront the OW and let her know you are not tolerating this "friendship" and you will be contacting others to inform them that you are interfering with your marriage, and you and the family find her behavior intrusive. Keep it short and do not say any thing that you cant back up.

Have you noticed that I'm referring to this situation as "friendship" and "relationship" b/c until you have a piture of them kissing you have only the abnormal amount of time they are talk/texting each other. That I believe is worth alot so as to show others how much he is disrespecting you


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

OK so basically here is where my situation is now: I told my husband we had to have a serious talk, that things could not go on as they were. He pretty much told me that he loves me, that I am his best friend and am an awesome person, that he is attracted to me, but that there is something missing and it feels like we are just best friends. He said that he felt that we do not have enough for a lasting marriage and he is afraid he is "missing out on something". But, he is comfortable with our life, and wants us both to stay in our house, and be friends and roommates, and be allowed to both do whatever we want to do, with no questioning from the other. Oh yeah, and he still wants for us to have sex, too. I am even more confused now that before, I do not understand what he thinks is missing, and why he even wants me around at all if that is how he feels... I just want our marriage back. Despite everything, I love him so much, and I want to be with him. I do not think I can live like that, though. I have started seeing a therapist but he will not go with me, saying that would make things worse, and that kind of thing does not work for him. I am very angry, but it also hurts so badly to realize that my marriage might be over. I would do anything to get things back the way they were, but he cannot even tell me what I have done wrong. Looking back, I have always been good to him. How can this be the same man who used to hold me and tell me I was his whole world?


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

> ...but that there is something missing and it feels like we are just best friends. He said that he felt that we do not have enough for a lasting marriage and he is afraid he is "missing out on something".


He is deep in affair fantasy land, rewriting your marital history so that he feels justified in what he is doing. Don't buy it. It is just another sign that he is definitely involved in an affair. The deeper he gets into it, the more dissatisfied he will be. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is practically the Official Cheater Slogan. 



> But, he is comfortable with our life, and wants us both to stay in our house, and be friends and roommates, and be allowed to both do whatever we want to do, with no questioning from the other. Oh yeah, and he still wants for us to have sex, too. I am even more confused now that before, I do not understand what he thinks is missing, and why he even wants me around at all if that is how he feels...


It's because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Right now he gets the sex and excitement and passionate of an affair, AND the security and stability of his home life with you. From his selfish standpoint, what could be better? Why would he want anything to change? 

People involved in affairs are selfish, selfish, selfish - it is all about them and how they feel. Right now, he doesn't care at all about you, your marriage, or what is best for you. He cares about himself, and the high he is getting from his affair. People involved in affairs are like drug abusers - they do anything and everything to ensure they still get their fix, including lying to and hurting the people they claimed to once love.



> I just want our marriage back. Despite everything, I love him so much, and I want to be with him. I do not think I can live like that, though. I would do anything to get things back the way they were.


He has betrayed you, and right now, in the affair fog, he is a different person. I know how painful this is, but the marriage you once had is over. You need to focus on the marriage you have NOW - and look at it with clear eyes so that if you want to, you can attempt to save it. 

You have two options: Continue to allow him to carry on his affair and watch your marriage continue to disintegrate, or put your foot down and stand up for your marriage.

The only chance your marriage has is if you are able to get him to end the affair. Do NOT allow him to continue to be a cake-eater. Push him off the fence. 

Tell him that you love him, you want your marriage to work, but you will not continue to let him make a fool out of you by carrying out an affair right in front of your face. Tell him that until he is willing to completely and I mean COMPLETELY (no phone contact, no email, new job, EVERYTHING) cut off contact, he needs to move out. Tell him you are going to retain an attorney. Force the issue.

He probably will not be willing to do this. All junkies protect their stash. It's only after they get clean that they realize how horribly they were behaving, how wrong they were to do what they did, and much hurt they've done to the people they love. 

And if he leaves and goes to her? Well. Sometimes a good cold hard dose of reality is the best thing to kill an affair. And no offense to 23 year olds, but 23 year olds can be really annoying to live with. That's a significant age difference, and obviously she is a train wreck - at 23 already divorced, with a kid, carrying on an affair with a married man? Yeah, good luck with that bag 'o crazy, buddy.

Don't continue to enable his affair. Stand up for yourself hon. You can do it. 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can feel the pain in what you write. Hang in there.


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

And as for his insistence that he is not having an affair? 

That's called gaslighting - making you doubt your sanity, doubt what is clearly true. Don't fall for it.

Don't even engage him on the issue of whether or not he is having an affair. Don't even argue with him about it. Tell him you KNOW he is having an affair, and not to insult your intelligence. You KNOW it. You don't need him to admit it in order for it to be true. It is true.

Even before it went physical, as it obviously is at this point, he was giving the time and attention and affection and loyalty that rightfully should've been YOURS, as his wife, to another woman. That is a betrayal. That is an affair.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Marilee has excellent advice. I hope you'll take it.


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## jls0515 (Oct 4, 2010)

That is very good advice, it is just difficult to make myself do that. I hate sounding weak, but there is honestly a part of me that loves him so much that I almost would be willing to put up with everything, but I know how miserable I would be. He says that I can go out and be with someone else too, but that is not what I want. I want back what I used to have. I am shocked by how much grief I feel.... that is why it makes me feel somewhat better to vent on here, because I know alot of you have gone through something similar. There is also a part of me that wants to move on, that thinks that what he is doing to me is unforgiveable... not just the affair but making me doubt our entire relationship and making me feel like he does not love me and that there is something wrong with me. I feel like such a fool that I ever believed him when he would say he loved me. If he would honestly choose me and cut off all contact with this other woman (and like marilee said, gee what a catch, at 23 to already have been divorced and a single mom!) then I think we could move forward. But how can I look him in the eyes again? How could I ever trust or believe him again? I am so torn between loving him and hating him. I never would have thought this could be so difficult or painful. Thanks to everyone for the advice and for listening.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The best way to think of him right now as an addict. He is high on the love chemicals and is not the person you knew. You can't help an addict by enabling his addiction. All you can do is try to detach from the situation. He needs to hit bottom, which would be you kicking him out and refusing to communicate with him until he ends the affair.

You need to get tough. You will be destroyed by him, if you let him.


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