# wife wants her freedom



## Too good too be true

This is hard to write, please bear with me.

I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids age 10 and 13. My wife and I are both 42 years old.

About 8 months ago my wife tells me she needs a break and moves into an attached rental apartment next to our house.
We decide to work on the marriage, go to counseling and I do everything in my power to save this marriage as I love this woman dearly. She say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.

I start to suspect an affair as she has made several attempts to get in touch with an old boyfriend from her 20's. I found this information on her Facebook. She has befriended his friends on Facebook since he's not on there. On a trip to see her family out of state she goes to see this old friend of her boyfriend to find out more about him I assume. 

She has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it.

I've asked her to move to her own house and her response is very mixed.

I don't know what to do!


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## GuyInColorado

Let her go. Go find a hotter girl to bang and enjoy your 40's. 

So what if you love her... she doesn't love you. Time to let her go and work on making yourself and your children happy. Sucks but it's life.

How was your marriage, really? Were you guys having good sex, often? Are you both in good shape? This couldn't have just came up out of the blue.


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## Happilymarried25

She is having an affair or looking to have one. She doesn't want a divorce or to move into her own house in case this affair doesn't work out. Do some investigation, put a VAR or GPS in her car. Is her phone locked? Look for texts and emails. Most of the time when a spouse says they need "space" it's because they have someone on the side. Don't leave your life in limbo for a year or two make her make a decision or you make that decision. It doesn't like she even wants to work on the marriage.


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## MarriedDude

Too good too be true said:


> This is hard to write, please bear with me.
> 
> I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids age 10 and 13. My wife and I are both 42 years old.
> 
> About 8 months ago my wife tells me she needs a break and moves into an attached rental apartment next to our house.
> We decide to work on the marriage, go to counseling and I do everything in my power to save this marriage as I love this woman dearly. S*he say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.*
> 
> I start to suspect an affair as she has made several attempts to get in touch with an old boyfriend from her 20's. I found this information on her Facebook. She has befriended his friends on Facebook since he's not on there. On a trip to see her family out of state she goes to see this old friend of her boyfriend to find out more about him I assume.
> 
> She has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it.
> 
> I've asked her to move to her own house and her response is very mixed.
> 
> I don't know what to do!


If she wants her freedom. By all means give it to her. Start the divorce process. If she protests...tell her that you also need to regain your freedom and in a few years, you may consider getting back together.....If the "Universe" tells you too, of course. 

Its really unfortunate -but the sad reality is, the longer you allow this to go on...the more respect you lose in her eyes. I would bet...YOU are the one that pushed for counseling and she finally reluctantly agreed....correct? Have you begged? Pleaded? Professed your love? Told her she needs to come back for the family you have built together? STOP DOING THAT

Until you grab your balls, act like a man with options and move on...she will keep stringing you along. Its not right, its not fair, it just is. The reality is....if this old boyfriend had any interest...he would have found her by now...but he hasn't. But she keeps looking...she how that is working? She is pursuing...but he isn't interested...so she keeps after it. I would bet you are chasing...but she isn't interested...you need to change your path. See any similarities with your current behavior and hers? You need to STOP pursuing her and change the entire dynamic of the relationship. It will be hard. But its the only way. 

Communicate with her...ONLY when its absolutely necessary for your children. Do it by text or email. Distance yourself from her. Do not discuss your marriage...AT ALL. Get a lawyer...she can then begin to communicate with him/her. Stop masking her to do things...with the help of your lawyer...tell her what she will be doing...like moving out...supporting herself...etc.


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## just got it 55

No 180
No spying
No Pick Me dance

Save yourself grief & pain

Just file and walk

She wants her freedom Let her have it

The good news is 

You will be free too

See how that works

55


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## Evinrude58

Absolutely.
File. Get YOUR freedom. Your wife is a crazy cheater. She wants the husband's paycheck but not the husband.
There are other women.
This one is already gone.
Don't let her rob you of your dignity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude

Evinrude58 said:


> Absolutely.
> File. Get YOUR freedom. Your wife is a crazy cheater. She wants the husband's paycheck but not the husband.
> There are other women.
> This one is already gone.
> *Don't let her rob you of your dignity.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This OP. This. 

If you can't pull together the self-respect to look out for you...How can you expect her to respect you?

This stopped being about her when you let her move out...to find herself..and did nothing to protect yourself. I would venture that she probably blames you for letting it get to this point.


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## Marc878

Check your phone bill. If you want the full truth do a text recovery off her phone.

Do you have access or does she sinc it?

She doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't want to lose her plan B

Better wake up she's way ahead of you.


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## philreag

Sorry you're here but these guys are right.


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## Marc878

Sounds like "Grass is Greener Syndrome"

Start 180 and cut her off of any funds etc.


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## norajane

> . She say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.


That rates really high on the bullsh*t meter. How exactly does she regain her freedom in this scenario? She wants to be free of what? Her marriage? Her responsibilities? Is she still parenting your children or does she need freedom from that, too?

I suggest you call her bluff and have her served with divorce papers. That will be the universe telling her she can't seek "freedom" without legally dealing with her marital and parental responsibilities.


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## MarriedDude

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like "Grass is Greener Syndrome"
> 
> Start 180 and *cut her off of any funds etc.*


Get a Lawyer before doing anything with joint assets. 

Other than that....180 it up. The 180 is for you...for your sanity and your health:

The 180

1. *Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.*

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. *Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.*

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. *Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.*

13. *Don't sit around waiting on your spouse* - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. *No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.*

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.


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## Palodyne

I agree you should file for divorce. Your wife is seeking out an affair. She wants her freedom from you so she can have sex with other people. Then she will look at you and say it wasn't really cheating, we were technically separated. You are being set up. She is using your trust and love for her to betray you. 

The reason she doesn't want to get her own place and divorce is she wants the financial stability you afford her. Plus you can take care of the kids while she plays. And if her fun and games doesn't work out, she will have you sitting there waiting on her to return. She is using you for a back up plan.

Think about it brother. If you love a person do you look them in the eye and say I need freedom from you, then actively begin seeking out other partners? She is attempting to open your marriage. And she is not going to let your feelings get in her way. Wake her up, give her a shock to the system. Tell her she can go seek her freedom, she can let the universe guide her to another man, but she doesn't get to do that as your wife. Hand her the divorce papers and tell her make her decision.

Please don't let her use your feelings for her to go out and have affairs. You will lose respect for yourself, and you will resent her for it. Plus, you have children that are watching how you handle this. You need to set a strong, healthy, example of how infidelity should be handled. Stay strong.


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## MarriedDude

Palodyne said:


> I agree you should file for divorce. Your wife is seeking out an affair. She wants her freedom from you so she can have sex with other people. Then *she will look at you and say it wasn't really cheating, we were technically separated.* You are being set up. She is using your trust and love for her to betray you.
> 
> The reason she doesn't want to get her own place and divorce is she wants the financial stability you afford her. Plus you can take care of the kids while she plays. And if her fun and games doesn't work out, she will have you sitting there waiting on her to return. She is using you for a back up plan.
> 
> Think about it brother. If you love a person do you look them in the eye and say I need freedom from you, then actively begin seeking out other partners? She is attempting to open your marriage. And she is not going to let your feelings get in her way. Wake her up, give her a shock to the system. Tell her she can go seek her freedom, she can let the universe guide her to another man, but she doesn't get to do that as your wife. Hand her the divorce papers and tell her make her decision.
> 
> Please don't let her use your feelings for her to go out and have affairs. You will lose respect for yourself, and you will resent her for it. Plus, you have children that are watching how you handle this. You need to set a strong, healthy, example of how infidelity should be handled. Stay strong.


QFT


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## Too good too be true

I'm blown away by the response. 

Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was. 
I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.

So I feel some guilt here.

I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
She tells me she loves me, I believe that.

I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one. 

But she sees me as the stable dependable husband. 

The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


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## MarriedDude

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.



By all means -own the things you have done or not done. Work on yourself- Become the best you that you can be. 

NEVER- EVER -accept any responsibility for her actions. 

She can say she loves you all day. She is showing something totally different. 

Eventually people SHOW you who they are. PAY ATTENTION


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## chillymorn

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


Might as well bend over then.

Because shes giving it to you good.

Wake up and pull your head out of your a$$ wipe the sh!t out of your eyes and show her the door.


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## chillymorn

Sorry for the harsh responds.
Sensitivity is not my strong suit.


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## Openminded

You're Plan B. 

She may come back after she gets this affair (that's she's about to embark on) out of her system. Do you really want to wait around and see if she decides at some point to choose you?


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## Blondilocks

See an attorney. Get the terms of divorce and tell her the universe has answered as you hand them to her.

Your taking her for granted and going on auto pilot would be a plausible excuse for divorce if she had confronted you and insisted that you join her in marriage counseling. She doesn't want a divorce - she just wants a time out from marriage so she can explore. Nope. Marriage is 24/365.


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## norajane

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


You left out a lot of important information, which is why you got the responses you got. Imagine if you hadn't taken her for granted, and had been a great husband and she just up and moved out to find herself - that's the scenario people were replying to.

However, the truth is you had a troubled marriage and you see that you took her for granted and that you checked out. You didn't check back into your marriage until AFTER she moved out.

Now, she's not sure she can trust that you're not going to take her for granted again, or whether she even cares anymore. So, she's struggling with that, and she's trying to figure out what she wants. Could be you, might not be you. 

She doesn't see you as stable and dependable. You checked out of the marriage and took her for granted. She was on her own trying to make a marriage work. She sees you as risky and undependable. She sees you as dangerous to her well-being. Being taken for granted for a long period of time is damaging to a person's self-esteem and self-worth. Trying hard for years to get your spouse to pay attention to you is soul-crushing...just ask all the guys whose wives don't want to have sex with them. 

I don't know what you can do at this point. She moved out because she didn't want to live like that anymore. If she came home, what would she be coming home to? What kind of life did she have before she moved out, and what kind of life would she have if she came home? What would be different enough to be appealing to someone who is sick of how she was treated there?


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## RClawson

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


Seriously OP? My wife has an old boyfriend from that "category" and I believe she has been in touch with him in the past couple of years. 

If I ever find out I will be filing that week! Why do you want to be plan B?


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## turnera

My SIL left my brother for the boy she wasn't allowed to have in high school, who friended her on FB. Suddenly my brother wasn't good enough.

You can't fight that inner demon.

What you CAN do, though, is show her that if she's not into you, you're not into her, and let her see you going out and starting YOUR new life without her. Let her see you at meetup.com events. Let her see you with friends who have single female friends. Post about it on FB. Trust me, if a woman sees other woman globbing onto her husband, suddenly her husband looks interesting again. 

Don't chase her. Let her see you saying 'ok, if that's what you want, I love you and want you, but I won't beg you.' Women WANT that strength in their man.


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## TheTruthHurts

turnera said:


> My SIL left my brother for the boy she wasn't allowed to have in high school, who friended her on FB. Suddenly my brother wasn't good enough.
> 
> You can't fight that inner demon.
> 
> What you CAN do, though, is show her that if she's not into you, you're not into her, and let her see you going out and starting YOUR new life without her. Let her see you at meetup.com events. Let her see you with friends who have single female friends. Post about it on FB. Trust me, if a woman sees other woman globbing onto her husband, suddenly her husband looks interesting again.
> 
> Don't chase her. Let her see you saying 'ok, if that's what you want, I love you and want you, but I won't beg you.' Women WANT that strength in their man.


True dat.

Ok I'm not a woman at all and don't know. But I do know that this is my approach and my W has never had one iota of interest in anyone else in 30+ years. I travelled for 9 years and we talked all the time but I went to strip clubs etc and there was no jealousy or issue. Now I'm kind of amazed by that, but I was 100% sure of myself, never once thought about cheating, always told W what happened at the club, never hid anything or even considered it. She never felt threatened and neither did I. 

But I guess I conveyed strength - like an ancient redwood - completely reliable, strong and also unbending. I'm certain she knew if she ever strayed I would never accept it. And vice versa. It was just a period where I had to travel and she worked her a55 off as did I and I'm a h0rny dude so I looked at naked girls because I wasn't with my W. Strange and direct and honest (perhaps naively so) but it's amazing what a strong relationship can support. Then we'd get on the phone after I was all worked up... 

Certainty, conviction, boundaries, strength... all synonyms and essential to a strong marriage. Then consequences if sh1t happens. 

Guess what... sh1t happened in your marriage so it's time for firm, unbending, clear consequences. And the consequences are you move on. Suck it in my man and do it. She'll either chase you or not. But you'll save a lot of heart ache and end up in the same place.

And I don't mean be an a55 - just be nice and a realist and let her know you accept her reality. Women dig that sh1t particularly when you're being honest. Then it's on them to fix it if they really didn't intend to break it. Since you feel guilty about your "asleep at the wheel" past - just own it and say "yeah I fvcked up" and let her know you're moving on and freeing her to do the same.

BTW yes I have done that in every relationship - if one is not into the relationship - then it's over. It's up to the wondered to bring the other back. It's like ripping off a bandaid. And yes this happened in my current relationship 30+ years ago. I believed her when she expressed doubts. I hated it but said ok. She chased me down and it's all been great after I made my decision.

"Your results may vary". Disclaimer. You know your situation - but don't be in denial, don't be a pvssy and beg, etc. good luck - this sounds pretty sad but a strong man with strong convictions is required here. Be that guy.


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## Personal

Too good too be true said:


> This is hard to write, please bear with me.
> 
> I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids age 10 and 13. My wife and I are both 42 years old.
> 
> About 8 months ago my wife tells me she needs a break and moves into an attached rental apartment next to our house.
> We decide to work on the marriage, go to counseling and I do everything in my power to save this marriage as I love this woman dearly. She say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.
> 
> I start to suspect an affair as she has made several attempts to get in touch with an old boyfriend from her 20's. I found this information on her Facebook. She has befriended his friends on Facebook since he's not on there. On a trip to see her family out of state she goes to see this old friend of her boyfriend to find out more about him I assume.
> 
> She has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it.
> 
> I've asked her to move to her own house and her response is very mixed.
> 
> I don't know what to do!


This really isn't difficult to figure out, give her the freedom she deserves and divorce her.


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## Palodyne

Ok, so you got complacent and took your eye off the ball. That happens sometimes. The appropriate response to this is for your wife to communicate with you that her needs are not being met, and the two of you address the issues either together as a couple or in marriage counseling. Moving out to seek another man is not an acceptable response. 

You are in massive denial. She tells you she needs to find herself, she lost something being a good wife and mother, she needs freedom to chase after an old boyfriend that she always found mysterious. But not to worry, she loves you. You are dependable and safe. By your own admission, your a KISA (Knight In Shining Armor), she knows no matter what she does with mysterious man, or someone else, you will be there to save her and be her Plan B.

You better snap out of this mind set your in. You are sitting there watching your wife pursue another man. You seem to have bought into her crazy story hook, line, and sinker. Your passive attitude has emboldened her. She is not looking for herself...she's looking for another lover. You believe she loves you...she loves herself and she is going to prove it to you when she finally hooks up with another man. 

If you don't set your foot down and tell her this stops now, you are in for a world of pain when you have to deal with her taking another lover right in front of your face, if she hasn't already.


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## MachoMcCoy

Too good too be true said:


> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.


And I love my mother to pieces...

She doesn't love you any more. You don't understand that because they don't teach you that there is a 75% or so chance it will happen to you. It's as common as sand, yet nobody knows it. Amazing. There are thousands and thousands of threads on here that will help you place blame, but unfortunately nobody knows how to counsel you through it. 

It doesn't matter who's fault it is. Your marriage is over. Even if plan A falls apart and she comes crawling back to you, you will still be plan B and she'll still be waiting for the universe to save her.

Sorry, but it's as simple as that. Women fall out of love ALL THE TIME. For MILLIONS of reasons. And by the time the husband finds out, it's too late. This ENTIRE forum is dedicated to helping men when it's already over. And the lone voice screaming for preventive medicine is shouted down as an ignoramus.

Start the 180. Just remember it is for YOU. Unfortunately, people like us who's lives were falling apart when we started it cling to the theory that they will see a better you and come running back. It doesn't happen that way. It's for you to detach.

Let her go. Learn from this and start over.

Sorry.


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## MachoMcCoy

Oh, and your wife is not evil. They aren't preparing the women either. She found herself falling out of love with you and got scared. She doesn't know what to do. Never did. She didn't know how to communicate it to you effectively. Nobody warned her it would almost assuredly happen to her. Nobody was able to coach her through it. She's just as scared as you are of the future.

No more group hugs and "it'll get tough but you have to stick it out" speeches in pre-marriage classes and seminars. Those classes need to be hard core reality checks. Otherwise divorce rates will remain at near 50% and WAW's will continue to hover near 100.


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## Ynot

Ok, so you "took your eyes off the ball" and feel guilty for about it. That is normal. We all second guess ourselves. But guess what, when you were taking your eyes off the ball or taking her for granted you were doing so because at that time you were doing the best you knew how to do. 
I could say the same thing and have many times. I now realize I couldn't have acted any differently because I didn't know better. Things seemed to be going along ok. I had never experienced the sh!t storm to come before, so how could I possibly know to do anything differently? What you need to realize is that the only thing you were guilty of is that you were doing the best that you could.
At the same time, you need to realize that she is/was also doing the best that she can. It may not make you happy and in the end the only thing you can do is accept it. 
Despite what people around here say, people change. Their needs and wants change and so do they. You are faced with some changes right now. Your wife has told you she wants out. She wants her freedom. The real test for you is how you react.
You can roll over and try to placate her. Beg, plead and cry for her to NOT go. But in the end you will end up hating yourself.
Or you can focus on what your needs and wants are. Develop your self into the best version of you that you can be. Not for her, but to prepare you for the next phase of your life. You may really hate this part of your life, but in the end you will be the person you want to be and not some snivelling shell of a man that you would become if things continue as they are.


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## Married but Happy

You screwed up for years, making it easy for her to want to leave. If you want her to stay, you're going to have to work very hard to change and show her that you have, and can maintain it - and she has to stop pursuing this old fantasy and give you a chance. IF she even wants to - and she may not, as she's already more than half out the door. Your strongest move may be to file for divorce AND work on yourself, whether or not you want her back.


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## aine

MarriedDude said:


> If she wants her freedom. By all means give it to her. Start the divorce process. If she protests...tell her that you also need to regain your freedom and in a few years, you may consider getting back together.....If the "Universe" tells you too, of course.
> 
> Its really unfortunate -but the sad reality is, the longer you allow this to go on...the more respect you lose in her eyes. I would bet...YOU are the one that pushed for counseling and she finally reluctantly agreed....correct? Have you begged? Pleaded? Professed your love? Told her she needs to come back for the family you have built together? STOP DOING THAT
> 
> Until you grab your balls, act like a man with options and move on...she will keep stringing you along. Its not right, its not fair, it just is. The reality is....if this old boyfriend had any interest...he would have found her by now...but he hasn't. But she keeps looking...she how that is working? She is pursuing...but he isn't interested...so she keeps after it. I would bet you are chasing...but she isn't interested...you need to change your path. See any similarities with your current behavior and hers? You need to STOP pursuing her and change the entire dynamic of the relationship. It will be hard. But its the only way.
> 
> Communicate with her...ONLY when its absolutely necessary for your children. Do it by text or email. Distance yourself from her. Do not discuss your marriage...AT ALL. Get a lawyer...she can then begin to communicate with him/her. Stop masking her to do things...with the help of your lawyer...tell her what she will be doing...like moving out...supporting herself...etc.



This!
:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## straightshooter

Don't have to read all the responses to know where this is headed unless you get out of denial my friend.

You are now in an open marriage that you did not sign up for.

You are playing the pick me game, making excuses for her behavior, and it seems are going to sit there on your butt and let her date around. if that sounds OK to you, have at it.

until you decide you are going to stop putting your head in the sand and knock her ass off the fence, no advice is going to help you. You ain;t going to get a magic pill here that will fix this for you without you playing some old fashioned "hardball"

you have already gotten a lot of advice on what to do, so instead of 'being blown away' by the responses, l;isten to them and do something to help yourself.


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## farsidejunky

Right now, your wife wants to spread her wings and jump off the cliff, with you being the safety net at the bottom of said cliff. 

If her wings work, she is gone.

If they do not work, she will fall back into the net. While feeling safe, she will also feel disappointed her wings did not work, yet relieved that her net was there to catch her.

Now, @Too good too be true, ask yourself this million dollar question:

How safe do you think she will feel spreading her wings and jumping when, just a brief moment before the leap, she looks down the cliff and sees you rolling up and putting away her safety net, then walking away.

Then ask yourself the next million dollar question:

Why would you be willing to be the person she settled for?


----------



## EllisRedding

Curious OP, if you found out your W was currently having an affair, what would you do? if you decided to let your wife get her freedom for a while (while still remaining married) and found out she was banging other guys, what would you do?

Maybe you were a $h1tty husband, maybe she was a $h1tty wife as well. The whole "1-2 yr freedom without divorce" is a load of crap. Did she clarify what that meant in terms of her being a mother to her children?

As others have already clearly stated, she wants to keep all the perks of being married while being able to bang other guys. Unless you are willing to consider an open marriage, I am not even sure why there is any sort of question on what you should do next. Call her bluff, serve her with divorce papers.


----------



## MRR

norajane said:


> You left out a lot of important information, which is why you got the responses you got. Imagine if you hadn't taken her for granted, and had been a great husband and she just up and moved out to find herself - that's the scenario people were replying to.
> 
> However, the truth is you had a troubled marriage and you see that you took her for granted and that you checked out. You didn't check back into your marriage until AFTER she moved out.
> 
> Now, she's not sure she can trust that you're not going to take her for granted again, or whether she even cares anymore. So, she's struggling with that, and she's trying to figure out what she wants. Could be you, might not be you.
> 
> She doesn't see you as stable and dependable. You checked out of the marriage and took her for granted. She was on her own trying to make a marriage work. She sees you as risky and undependable. She sees you as dangerous to her well-being. Being taken for granted for a long period of time is damaging to a person's self-esteem and self-worth. Trying hard for years to get your spouse to pay attention to you is soul-crushing...just ask all the guys whose wives don't want to have sex with them.
> 
> I don't know what you can do at this point. She moved out because she didn't want to live like that anymore. If she came home, what would she be coming home to? What kind of life did she have before she moved out, and what kind of life would she have if she came home? What would be different enough to be appealing to someone who is sick of how she was treated there?


Yeah my wife tried to pull ^^^ this nonsense on me. We have been divorced about two years now. I am FAR better off and she calls me every 5-6 weeks crying about how good I was to her. I take full responsibility for not being perfect but I always gave everything I had for my family (which we all know now is what looks weak to the walk away wife).


----------



## Ynot

MRR said:


> Yeah my wife tried to pull ^^^ this nonsense on me. We have been divorced about two years now. I am FAR better off and she calls me every 5-6 weeks crying about how good I was to her. I take full responsibility for not being perfect but I always gave everything I had for my family (which we all know now is what looks weak to the walk away wife).


Yep, all we can do is our best. If that aint enough we are better off finding someone (or no one) who it is good enough for. The OP needs to realize he was doing his best, all the naysaying in the world can't and won't change anything. The only thing that matters at this point is what is happening now.


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## delta88

Set yourself free brother. I am going through a similar situation to you but have been in limbo for over a year. This is not a place where you want to be trust me.

Go find the woman you deserve and fall in love. We are only here for so long too so why waste it with someone who doesn't like you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Too good too be true

Some truly insightful replys here. Thank you. Quick update. I grew some and served her the papers last night. Went to bed feeling happier and better about myself in months. She has been texting all day and offered to make dinner. Now what.


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## farsidejunky

Remember what I said about the safety net? LOL.

To your wife, by text:

"Eating dinner sounds like a date. Dates are for people who have a romantic interest in each other or are exclusive. You recently expressed that I was neither to you. No thank you."

Also, stop taking calls from her. Tell her from now on you will communicating with her by text and email only.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NoChoice

OP,
Mr. Dependable just became Mr. unavailable. She was/is not prepared for that. I am a strong proponent for brutal honesty like FSJ said above. My response would be either you are in or you are out, I am not here to facilitate your self discovery. We are all in a constant state of flux, some growing, some regressing. We can either grow together or we can grow separately. I know I have made mistakes and I am willing to own them and grow from them. If you can accept that then we can talk if not, then you are certainly free to "find yourself" alone. I will find someone who is actually committed and dedicated to marriage. Your time to decide is now. Me, our marriage and our family or your lone "quest for freedom".

Out of character for Mr. Dependable but necessary for his continued survival. Good fortune to you.


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## Lostinthought61

You should text her back....I think you got me confused with your boyfriend.


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## TheTruthHurts

Keep talking to us. It's going to get tough from this point on. She'll make you question your resolve. You'll think about your sh1tty behavior and start to vacillate.

This is the time you are starting to get some control. It's changing the relationship dynamic and it's unsettling.

Yeah - maybe you were a jerk. Own that but don't make the past decide your future.

Maybe you were just a normal husband and not a jerk, maybe she's owning that and is realizing maybe she overreacted.

Just keep a cool head, don't rush to get back and don't rush away. Create your own time table. Take advantage of the time you've bought where she has to convince you there is a good marriage hidden under this dung heap,

I'm not judging one way or another and have no skin in the game. So the only direction I'm inclined to push you is toward honesty and clarity. When you get there you will be in a position to decide what you want.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Too good too be true said:


> Some truly insightful replys here. Thank you. Quick update. I grew some and served her the papers last night. Went to bed feeling happier and better about myself in months. She has been texting all day and offered to make dinner. Now what.


Hold firm sir. She is playing you like a violin. Word of advice from one who has been there. Detach and become unavailable. Do not. I repeat, do not let her make dinner for you. You have plans. You are going to eat with friends. Tell her you will take a rain check and call her when and IF you feel like it. You need to follow 180. Only way you win. Play the pick me game, you are an automatic loser. I am in r now, but I made her realize what she was giving up. Stand firm and hold your ground. It may be hard, but the right way to handle a sItuation is not always the easy way. You have been given good advice, follow it. Tell her any further communication should be through a lawyer unless it involves your kids.


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## Marc878

No marriage is perfect just like no one is perfect. We all have things we need to work on but that doesn't justify cheating.

Read this it may help. Free download

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=4TZkeSOjZ1W.OjuVdZuJCLO8Ob8-


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## Marc878

Too good too be true said:


> Some truly insightful replys here. Thank you. Quick update. I grew some and served her the papers last night. Went to bed feeling happier and better about myself in months. She has been texting all day and offered to make dinner. Now what.


Don't jump on that to quick. She will like most think "aha" and back off again.

Go out with friends, visit family and do not tell her your plans or what you're doing.


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## Too good too be true

ok dinner is out of the question.

I'm regaining my sanity thanks to all of you and your kind and brutal honesty. Today was a better day than I've had in a long time.

I wish I could respond to all of the questions and will get to them in time.

I know this is the beginning of something new and hard but I'm all in. 

Thanks!


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## norajane

You somehow managed to serve your wife divorce papers in almost exactly 24 hours since posting this thread.

I had no idea it was that easy and simple to file for divorce.


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## happy as a clam

Too good too be true said:


> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.


Don't believe it. She has checked out of the marriage (look up walk away wife). You are nothing more than a paycheck at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Too good too be true

norajane said:


> You somehow managed to serve your wife divorce papers in almost exactly 24 hours since posting this thread.
> 
> I had no idea it was that easy and simple to file for divorce.


It's not that easy. In this state all the forms are online and the basic process can be started by filling out the forms, serving them and then filing them.


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## GusPolinski

Too good too be true said:


> This is hard to write, please bear with me.
> 
> I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids age 10 and 13. My wife and I are both 42 years old.
> 
> About 8 months ago my wife tells me she needs a break and moves into an attached rental apartment next to our house.
> We decide to work on the marriage, go to counseling and I do everything in my power to save this marriage as I love this woman dearly. She say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.
> 
> I start to suspect an affair as she has made several attempts to get in touch with an old boyfriend from her 20's. I found this information on her Facebook. She has befriended his friends on Facebook since he's not on there. On a trip to see her family out of state she goes to see this old friend of her boyfriend to find out more about him I assume.
> 
> She has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it.
> 
> I've asked her to move to her own house and her response is very mixed.
> 
> I don't know what to do!


She's either in an affair or looking to be. My money's on the former.

Either way, she clearly wants out, but only on her terms... and not until she's ready.

Why are you allowing her to dictate your life to you?

Start talking w/ lawyers first thing tomorrow morning, and file for divorce ASAP.


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## straightshooter

She wants dinner???? Tell her you want a divorce or a wife and that you have no interest in sitting with your thumb up your butt while she explores her freedom with other men.

There are two playbook tracts that WW take when they are trying to justify cheating on their husbands. The words may be a little different but the concepts are always the same

(1) let's open up our marriage
(2) I need space to find myself

They both mean the same thing. Translation is they have either found another man they are interested in or they want to.

Unfortunately, too many men allow this to go on instead of playing hardball. 

Forget dinner. It is just a rouse to get you to backtrack.


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## tom67

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


Too good this is the classic white knight mangina response.
Stop the pick me dance you are the beta the ex is the bad boy.
You can do better.


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## tech-novelist

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" *she is now trying to find herself*. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


She *has *found herself.

Under her old boyfriend.

The good news is that all you have to do is give her what she wants: her freedom.

And you will have the same.


----------



## Palodyne

Too good too be true said:


> ok dinner is out of the question.
> 
> I'm regaining my sanity thanks to all of you and your kind and brutal honesty. Today was a better day than I've had in a long time.
> 
> I wish I could respond to all of the questions and will get to them in time.
> 
> I know this is the beginning of something new and hard but I'm all in.
> 
> Thanks!


You better be all in. You need to make sure your wife understands that you are not going to sit at home and wait for her while she pursues another man. That is not how marriage works. You need to make her understand that if she needs "Freedom", then divorce is your definition of freedom.

You need to make it clear to her that if she wants to come home and repair the marriage that you want 100% access to her cell phone and computer so you can access all her previously erased texts. So you can see if she was in any inappropriate relationships. That she must go to Individual counseling to address her weak boundaries. And that she must commit 100% to her marriage and family.

She has committed a tremendous breach of trust, and you must make her work 110% to repair what she has destroyed. Stay strong, and hold her accountable for what she has done.


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## PreRaphaelite

Xenote said:


> You should text her back....I think you got me confused with your boyfriend.


:smthumbup::smthumbup:

perfect!


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## SignOfLife

GuyInColorado said:


> Let her go. Go find a hotter girl to bang and enjoy your 40's.
> 
> So what if you love her... she doesn't love you. Time to let her go and work on making yourself and your children happy. Sucks but it's life.
> 
> How was your marriage, really? Were you guys having good sex, often? Are you both in good shape? This couldn't have just came up out of the blue.


Funny CO guy~!


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## lovelyblue

Test the waters.

Tell her that you also want a 1-2 year break while you "See" a old female friend.

See how that goes.


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## Catherine602

My money is on an affair. Looking up an old boyfriend is a breach of trust and a betrayal. Even if she is not in an affair at present, she is seeking one which is just as bad. She wants freedom to have relationships with other men.


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## thenub

Send her this. 
My dear......
Years ago the universe brought us together in a loving Union. The universe is now calling you again. I always have loved you so to prove that to you, I will set you free. 
To make things as easy as possible for you because I do love you, I am having divorce papers drawn up (at my expense). I will also be seeking 100% custody of the children as I love you and want you to be totally free. 
I will also seek 100% of the marital assets as I love you and figure you shouldn't have to waste time with these things when your freedom means so much to you. 
I'm sure the universe will supply you with everything your heart desires because once you have gone, you will be happy and I'll be happy know it. 

Love,

Xxxxxxx.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marduk

Too good too be true said:


> Some truly insightful replys here. Thank you. Quick update. I grew some and served her the papers last night. Went to bed feeling happier and better about myself in months. She has been texting all day and offered to make dinner. Now what.


I recommend one of the following responses based on your temperament;

"LOL."

"No."

"If you want to talk about the divorce, my lawyer's number is on the paperwork."

Or my favourite:
-- no response at all --
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky

How are you holding up, @Too good too be true


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## Mr The Other

GuyInColorado said:


> Let her go. Go find a hotter girl to bang and enjoy your 40's.
> 
> So what if you love her... she doesn't love you. Time to let her go and work on making yourself and your children happy. Sucks but it's life.
> 
> How was your marriage, really? Were you guys having good sex, often? Are you both in good shape? This couldn't have just came up out of the blue.


It is said that men have this ridiculous notion that they can leave their wives and find an attractive young woman who wants to have sex with them. However, if they are attractive they can far more easily than their wife.


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## Too good too be true

farsidejunky said:


> How are you holding up, @Too good too be true


ok, some days are better, some not so great. 
After handing her the papers she has shown interest in working on the relationship. She opened about why she wanted to communicate with her ex boyfriend. She is openly sharing her phone and email message. Since all our stuff is linked I had looked before in these areas and have found nothing out of the ordinary. It came down to sending her ex a letter in the mail last January. There has been no response from the ex.

We have had some very intense and revealing conversations. 

It really is one day at a time.


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## turnera

Do NOT give in if she tries to guilt you.

"I don't need you if you are going to guilt me."


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## Marc878

Hang onto you're newly found balls. You're probably going to need them.


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## farsidejunky

Funny, when you found your nuts, you peaked her interest.

Don't forget that.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Too good too be true

turnera said:


> Do NOT give in if she tries to guilt you.
> 
> "I don't need you if you are going to guilt me."


No guilt but she broke down and brought up an event that happened 10 years ago. She found some nudie pic website on my computer history and this really scarred her. She says she felt betrayed and I understand that but to have held on to it for 10 years? Is this normal? 
It was cathartic for her to talk about this.


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## Mclane

Too good too be true said:


> No guilt but she broke down and brought up an event that happened 10 years ago. She found some nudie pic website on my computer history and this really scarred her. She says she felt betrayed and I understand that but to have held on to it for 10 years? Is this normal?
> It was cathartic for her to talk about this.


You're a guy. You've got a computer. You've got internet access. 

There's going to be porn on your computer.

No it's not normal for her to be scarred and betrayed because you've got porn on your computer.


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## turnera

she's searching for ways to blame YOU instead of her.

meh


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## Catherine602

The naked pics on your computer scarred her so deeply that she found it necessary to contact her ex bf 10 yrs later. That's a stretch. 

I know its hard to deal with this strait up but you must. You need to find out is why she was looking to contact the ex bf. You have to get past the bs crying and recitations of your wrong doing and find out what she was really up to. If you don't get to the bottom of this now, it will come back to this point again in the future. 

It's not over, in fact, it has just begun. Maybe she thinks she has gotten away easy this time and she can try her luck again when things settle down. 

I wish you the very best.


----------



## Mr The Other

Too good too be true said:


> No guilt but she broke down and brought up an event that happened 10 years ago. She found some nudie pic website on my computer history and this really scarred her. She says she felt betrayed and I understand that but to have held on to it for 10 years? Is this normal?
> It was cathartic for her to talk about this.


We have had cases of women coming on here complaining about such things. Generally, the reaction varies from sympathetic but saying they are making a big fuss over nothing, to ridicule about making a fuss over nothing. 

She will feel the victim, this story is all about her, and how she is a victim escaping a terrible situation. If that is the best she can come up with, you have done well. It is not unusual for someone in her situation to have to start making stuff up.


----------



## MarriedDude

Too good too be true said:


> No guilt but she broke down and brought up an event that happened 10 years ago. She found some nudie pic website on my computer history and this really scarred her. *She says she felt betrayed* and I understand that but to have held on to it for 10 years? Is this normal?
> *It was cathartic for her to talk about this.*


Keep listening to her words and paying attention to her actions. look for the disparity between her words and actions -its the combination of the two that will give you the answers you need....and generate a whole new list of questions. 

Stay strong. Maintain your resolve and you will emerge on the other side stronger still, smarter and maybe just maybe with a stronger marriage than you ever thought you would have


----------



## Too good too be true

MarriedDude said:


> Keep listening to her words and paying attention to her actions. look for the disparity between her words and actions -its the combination of the two that will give you the answers you need....and generate a whole new list of questions.


Just got through another "huge" conversation.

Grilled her about the ex. She says she wanted to have a conversation with him because she feels like he has some insight into who she was when in her 20's.
Can a person become so lost they have to ask another who they are?
Is this a huge mid life crisis?

She is adamant she has no interest in having sex with others or finding somebody else.

She seems very lost. I brought up the topic of her not wanting to get divorced because I'm the safety net. She countered with saying she is independent and has her profession which to her credit she does.


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## TheTruthHurts

For a woman, being alone can be a terrible thing - many value people connections more than men. So even though she may have her career and therefore her financial independence, it doesn't mean you're still not her emotional safety net.

If you remove that safety net then she had to confront her life alone and her real independence. She's fighting hard against that by playing victim and dreading up far fetched charges against you so you are in the defensive. She probably doesn't want to be honest with you or herself and is trying to believe you are to blame.

Don't accept blame. "In sorry you created this artificial hurt - the harmless adult site - and nurtured it for 10 years. I hope you can work through your own fears and issues and get to a point where you can convince me that you are ready to be an honest partner. I really hope you can see what I need and convince me you are ready to provide that in a marriage."


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## Evinrude58

Too good too be true said:


> Just got through another "huge" conversation.
> 
> Grilled her about the ex. She says she wanted to have a conversation with him because she feels like he has some insight into who she was when in her 20's.
> Can a person become so lost they have to ask another who they are?
> Is this a huge mid life crisis?
> 
> She is adamant she has no interest in having sex with others or finding somebody else.
> 
> She seems very lost. I brought up the topic of her not wanting to get divorced because I'm the safety net. She countered with saying she is independent and has her profession which to her credit she does.


My bs meter pegged out and broke off. If you believe all this stuff yours was already broken. Your wife is lying. Yes, she's interested in other men which she clearly demonstrated by calling her ex. For insight???? Omg, I've heard of bs but this is not even good barnyard bs. This is more like chicken poop with lizard gravy.

She is coming up with all the usual garbage of a cheater. You know why it doesn't make sense? Because bs doesn't make sense. It just is what it is, and it stinks.
My opinion:
She is "lost" because she has had some kind of emotional affair or is bored and is looking for something to fill the hole she has in her life because she screwed up her feelings for her husband by giving then to someone else.
That's usually what I see when I hear the word "lost". 
I would really just give this up. It's not going anywhere but the slow train to divorce and if you keep dragging your feet it will be on her terms on her timeline. You'll be left standing with your jaw hanging wondering what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Too good too be true

An amazing thing, she really is changing. She has lost weight, looks hotter then ever. She seems more like when I first met her. Getting her spunk back.
Sex since handing her the papers is great.

She hasn't told me what the letter said but is willing to tell me if we go to therapy. Ok


----------



## Ynot

Too good too be true said:


> An amazing thing, she really is changing. She has lost weight, looks hotter then ever. She seems more like when I first met her. Getting her spunk back.
> Sex sinse handed her the papers is great.
> 
> She hasn't told me what the letter said but is willing to tell me if we go to therapy. Ok


Wow! it really is too good to be true! A week ago she "say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her."
and" has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it."

Now she is losing weight, looks hotter than ever and getting her spunk back. OP, if I were you I would be very leery. You need to adopt a wait and see policy. It seems as though your nice guy do anything to save the marriage attitude is giving her confidence that maybe her little fantasy might actually happen after all.


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## farsidejunky

She is not still thinking about trying to link up with him, is she?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Too good too be true said:


> An amazing thing, she really is changing. She has lost weight, looks hotter then ever. She seems more like when I first met her. Getting her spunk back.
> Sex sinse handed her the papers is great.
> 
> She hasn't told me what the letter said but is willing to tell me if we go to therapy. Ok


The question is, who is she doing that for? Not you...

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Dude...I smell a rat.

There is much more going on here than she is letting on.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding

farsidejunky said:


> Dude...I smell a rat.
> 
> There is much more going on here than she is letting on.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Ya, something doesn't add up. It sounds like all she needed to do was drop the whole "I need a space" and ex boyfriend stuff for the OP. Suddenly getting herself into better shape to look "hot", IDK, seems like she is preparing for the marriage to be over soon and wants to make sure she is ready...


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## Sammy64

Too good too be true said:


> An amazing thing, she really is changing. She has lost weight, looks hotter then ever. She seems more like when I first met her. Getting her spunk back.
> Sex sinse handed her the papers is great.
> 
> *She hasn't told me what the letter said but is willing to tell me if we go to therapy. Ok*


this is what caught my eye, She will tell you what the letter said, if " WE " go to MC ? I would think that would be one of the first things i would come clean on.. there is something else going on like everyone is saying.. Eye's open!!


----------



## alexm

Too good too be true said:


> I'm blown away by the response.
> 
> Honestly I took her for granted for some time. She tried to be the best mom and wife and she really was.
> I went to sleep and turned on the auto pilot. Hence the move out.
> 
> So I feel some guilt here.
> 
> I believe she closed a part of herself to be that "perfect wife/mother" she is now trying to find herself. I believe this.
> She tells me she loves me, I believe that.
> 
> I was the kind of guy that needed to save a girl, and she was the one.
> 
> But she sees me as the stable dependable husband.
> 
> The old boyfriend was mysterious and she always chased after him.


What you described is very very common.

One partner takes the other for granted (or perhaps both do). They build resentment over time, feel unimportant or unloved. They seek it (or find it accidentally) elsewhere. That feels good. They make moves to continue this feeling, all the while building more resentment towards their partner for not making them feel important or loved. And there's the justification for doing what they do.

The entire thing can be avoided if that one partner communicates to the other about how they feel, rather than take the easy, addictive route of seeking it elsewhere.

Is it your fault for taking your wife for granted? Unfortunately, yes. Lots of us do it. I did.

Is it the correct response for the person who feels taken for granted to go the route they do? Absolutely not.

People who are in that position (as my ex wife was) have two choices: talk to their spouse and try to fix it or go find somebody else to make themselves feel good.

Which kind of person do you want to be married to?

The biggest problem, when this type of thing happens, is that we're often blindsided by it, and because we're in love with this person, we don't see past these transgressions. We blame ourselves (I did), we think, or hope, that they'll realize their mistake and come back.

The reality - with the benefit of hindsight for me - is that it's not the infidelity that's the real issue - it's the fact that the person who purportedly loves us essentially gives up and is capable and willing to throw it all away, without addressing the base problem to begin with.

When someone, like your wife (or my ex wife) gets to the point where they're unhappy, feeling unloved, ignored, taken for granted, etc. (again, all very common things in marriage, especially over a number of years) - it's on them to communicate this to them. Had my ex wife done this, told me she was feeling taken for granted, or didn't feel special - I would have listened, and we could have at least attempted to fix things. Sometimes somebody needs a wake-up call, and infidelity shouldn't be it. I had no idea she was feeling that way. That was my own ignorance, sure, but it's not a bad enough transgression in a marriage to justify doing what she did.


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## alexm

turnera said:


> What you CAN do, though, is show her that if she's not into you, you're not into her, and let her see you going out and starting YOUR new life without her. Let her see you at meetup.com events. Let her see you with friends who have single female friends. Post about it on FB. Trust me, if a woman sees other woman globbing onto her husband, suddenly her husband looks interesting again.
> 
> Don't chase her. Let her see you saying 'ok, if that's what you want, I love you and want you, but I won't beg you.' Women WANT that strength in their man.


Neither here nor there, but that reminds me of my ex wife - after she had left and was officially seeing the OM. Once I started dating my (now wife), some 4-5 months after we split up, all of a sudden she was showing jealous tendencies. Asking me all kinds of questions about her, making sure she was "good for me" (not even kidding about that one...). Her demeanour also changed quite a bit once she got word that I was dating somebody. Up until that point, she spoke to me like she felt sorry for me, or felt bad, or something, and she was overly nice to me. Once I started dating, she wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually. Any communications from that point on were quite terse.

I suspect it was her own ego that made her feel sorry for me while I was single. I'm sure she thought I'd be wallowing in my own misery for years, if not my whole life. I'm not convinced she actually enjoyed that - I do actually think she really did feel bad for me, and treated me accordingly, like some sad and lost puppy. She had probably torn me down so much in her own mind, that she didn't think I'd find somebody. If I was undesirable to her, then I must be undesirable to everybody else.

I don't think it made her desire to get me back or anything, but it probably planted a seed of doubt somewhere in her brain, as to whether she did the right thing or not. Funny things happen to people when they realize somebody they think is undesirable turn out not be.

I suspect OP's wife might react similarly, should he turn things around for himself, too.


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## Evinrude58

She is losing weight and looking hot----- Check
There has been a noticeable obvious change in sex--- Check
There has been thoughts of another person discovered in the relationship-----Check
There has been a request for "space" ----- Check
The word divorce has been mentioned ----- Check

How many other obvious indicators of infidelity do we need to "check".

I'm sorry, if there is losing weight and a change in sex, and you already know there are thoughts of other men in the marriage and she's mentioned needing space and being "lost"------ you need to be vigilant.

I think being happy, having great sex with her, building confidence in yourself, and just being the best you that you can be is the way to go if it's possible to reconcile and have a happy marriage, so I don't want to scare you. 

My advice:
Be happy around her all the time
Be the best person you can be
DO NOT be needy and instigate physical attention constantly. Let her come to you.
Work on yourself.
Satisfy all her needs that you can, without making it obvious you're working on it.

Find out how to torpedo the other man. There is one. NO FREAKING DOUBT.


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## LadybugMomma

Too good too be true said:


> Just got through another "huge" conversation.
> 
> Grilled her about the ex. She says she wanted to have a conversation with him because she feels like he has some insight into who she was when in her 20's.
> Can a person become so lost they have to ask another who they are?
> Is this a huge mid life crisis?
> 
> She is adamant she has no interest in having sex with others or finding somebody else.
> 
> She seems very lost. I brought up the topic of her not wanting to get divorced because I'm the safety net. She countered with saying she is independent and has her profession which to her credit she does.



Why does she need to know who she was when she was in her 20's? She's not there now. She's in the here and now and if she were serious about your marriage, she'd be asking you to help her find herself. It'd be you that she turned to for help, not another man.


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## Too good too be true

LadybugMomma said:


> Why does she need to know who she was when she was in her 20's? She's not there now. She's in the here and now and if she were serious about your marriage, she'd be asking you to help her find herself. It'd be you that she turned to for help, not another man.


When we met she was kind of floating around traveling where the wind took her.
She owned a bicycle and some clothes but not much else. She was independent and wanted to become a writer.
She became pregnant with our first son at the age of 28 and closed the door to this free living life. She used to like going out and having a drink but hasn't had a drink in 15 years.

She had a dysfunctional upbringing and just decided to become the "mom" and "wife" that her parents never were. It was all business. She focused 100% on the kids and me, over-correcting for her crappy upbringing.


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## Marc878

Most don't have the guts to hand them papers up front. Nice show of strength.

Saves waffling around in limbo hell for a year or two.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Are you thinking of giving your blessings for her to see him?


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## LadybugMomma

And I can understand all that, but, that's not who she is now. Knowing who she was in her 20's, isn't going to bring her back there. I think we all get lost at some point. Heck, I know I do. But this is the life I chose I have to work through the daily grind of the same ol, same ol. When the going gets tough and I have a difficult time pulling myself out of the funk I'm in, I turn to my husband for support. I just can't wrap my head around why your wife is seeking out another man for support and answers. Suppose she gets the answers she's looking for..then what? 

I still feel you need to cover your behind on all accounts. Don't fall for her stories.


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## farsidejunky

LadybugMomma said:


> And I can understand all that, but, that's not who she is now. Knowing who she was in her 20's, isn't going to bring her back there. I think we all get lost at some point. Heck, I know I do. But this is the life I chose I have to work through the daily grind of the same ol, same ol. When the going gets tough and I have a difficult time pulling myself out of the funk I'm in, I turn to my husband for support. I just can't wrap my head around why your wife is seeking out another man for support and answers. Suppose she gets the answers she's looking for..then what?
> 
> I still feel you need to cover your behind on all accounts. Don't fall for her stories.


Only your 6th post here and spot on.

You need to stick around, @LadybugMomma.


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## naiveonedave

OP - I would like to point out that women sometimes use sex to manipulate men. The great sex may be just that, a way to take the heat off...


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## Too good too be true

LadybugMomma said:


> And I can understand all that, but, that's not who she is now. Knowing who she was in her 20's, isn't going to bring her back there. I think we all get lost at some point. Heck, I know I do. But this is the life I chose I have to work through the daily grind of the same ol, same ol. When the going gets tough and I have a difficult time pulling myself out of the funk I'm in, I turn to my husband for support. I just can't wrap my head around why your wife is seeking out another man for support and answers. Suppose she gets the answers she's looking for..then what?
> 
> I still feel you need to cover your behind on all accounts. Don't fall for her stories.


I think she tried to turn to me for support but I was on auto pilot mode in the marriage. I think she lost trust in me.
I'm fully aware that I screwed up, at the same time she knows that I'll divorce her if she pursues anything with the ex.


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## turnera

Too good too be true said:


> I think she tried to turn to me for support but I was on auto pilot mode in the marriage. I think she lost trust in me.
> I'm fully aware that I screwed up, at the same time she knows that I'll divorce her if she pursues anything with the ex.


That's what happened to me. The first few years, I tried to get support from my husband, be vulnerable, but we were young and dysfunctional. He became the person I could least trust. It's been a lonely marriage for me. He gets everything he needs from me, at least on a surface level, so he goes blindly along. Even though we've had discussions about how I've been hurt, he acts like they've never happened. So I don't trust him to be there for me.


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## LadybugMomma

Too good too be true said:


> I think she tried to turn to me for support but I was on auto pilot mode in the marriage. I think she lost trust in me.
> I'm fully aware that I screwed up, at the same time she knows that I'll divorce her if she pursues anything with the ex.


Does the fact that she yet to make any contact with this guy from her past, clue her in to anything? Like, maybe the fact that he knows she's married and should be dedicated to you? Or perhaps he's married and knows that what she's attempting to do is wrong? 

My guess is that she is telling you anything but the truth. None of it makes sense. 

If she wants to find herself and have some freedom, she could always have a weekend getaway with her girlfriends that also need a break from being a wife and a mother. There's other ways to find yourself and regroup than seeking out another man for help. 

I still think you're being played.


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## LadybugMomma

farsidejunky said:


> Only your 6th post here and spot on.
> 
> You need to stick around, @LadybugMomma.


Thanks much, farsidejunky. I appreciate that.


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## Too good too be true

LadybugMomma said:


> Does the fact that she yet to make any contact with this guy from her past, clue her in to anything? Like, maybe the fact that he knows she's married and should be dedicated to you? Or perhaps he's married and knows that what she's attempting to do is wrong?
> 
> My guess is that she is telling you anything but the truth. None of it makes sense.
> 
> If she wants to find herself and have some freedom, she could always have a weekend getaway with her girlfriends that also need a break from being a wife and a mother. There's other ways to find yourself and regroup than seeking out another man for help.
> 
> I still think you're being played.


When I asked her why she thinks he hasn't responded to her letter she looked 
at me and admitted her delusion in thinking he would respond. 
She knows there's nothing there, it's all fantasy and escape.

I totally agree with you on her taking a weekend away. That would of been a normal reaction.


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## Too good too be true

turnera said:


> That's what happened to me. The first few years, I tried to get support from my husband, be vulnerable, but we were young and dysfunctional. He became the person I could least trust. It's been a lonely marriage for me. He gets everything he needs from me, at least on a surface level, so he goes blindly along. Even though we've had discussions about how I've been hurt, he acts like they've never happened. So I don't trust him to be there for me.


Wow, I feel for you. 
If you want your husbands attention do what my wife did. This is horrible advise but it surly woke me up.


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## LadybugMomma

Too good too be true said:


> When I asked her why she thinks he hasn't responded to her letter she looked
> at me and admitted her delusion in thinking he would respond.
> She knows there's nothing there, it's all fantasy and escape.
> 
> I totally agree with you on her taking a weekend away. That would of been a normal reaction.


Then why does she still want to bail, regain her freedom and find herself? And why are you ok with her doing so? This is not normal behavior of someone who is happily married. If she's not happily married, you need to set her free and move on yourself.


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## Too good too be true

LadybugMomma said:


> Then why does she still want to bail, regain her freedom and find herself? And why are you ok with her doing so? This is not normal behavior of someone who is happily married. If she's not happily married, you need to set her free and move on yourself.


Obviously she wasn't happy. 

But at the moment she is open to working on the marriage.


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## farsidejunky

I would insist on full transparency moving forward. This includes phone, email, computer and social media passwords. 

Her reaction to this would be telling.


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## michzz

At minimum, you need to consult with a divorce attorney, not sharing what you find out with your wife, the impact her divorcing you would be to your finances and to shared property. Depending on the state, and the years of the marriage, you could get socked with quite a it of spousal support and a paying out of assets that ill shock you.
Try to make her keep a job or get one to be employed during this transition.

Just because she is the one whining about her life does not mean you have to tolerate being Plan B or to hear her set the terms of this impending parting.

Even if you decide to stay with her, know your options!


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## Too good too be true

alexm said:


> What you described is very very common.
> 
> One partner takes the other for granted (or perhaps both do). They build resentment over time, feel unimportant or unloved. They seek it (or find it accidentally) elsewhere. That feels good. They make moves to continue this feeling, all the while building more resentment towards their partner for not making them feel important or loved. And there's the justification for doing what they do.
> 
> The entire thing can be avoided if that one partner communicates to the other about how they feel, rather than take the easy, addictive route of seeking it elsewhere.
> 
> Is it your fault for taking your wife for granted? Unfortunately, yes. Lots of us do it. I did.
> 
> Is it the correct response for the person who feels taken for granted to go the route they do? Absolutely not.
> 
> People who are in that position (as my ex wife was) have two choices: talk to their spouse and try to fix it or go find somebody else to make themselves feel good.
> 
> Which kind of person do you want to be married to?
> 
> The biggest problem, when this type of thing happens, is that we're often blindsided by it, and because we're in love with this person, we don't see past these transgressions. We blame ourselves (I did), we think, or hope, that they'll realize their mistake and come back.
> 
> The reality - with the benefit of hindsight for me - is that it's not the infidelity that's the real issue - it's the fact that the person who purportedly loves us essentially gives up and is capable and willing to throw it all away, without addressing the base problem to begin with.
> 
> When someone, like your wife (or my ex wife) gets to the point where they're unhappy, feeling unloved, ignored, taken for granted, etc. (again, all very common things in marriage, especially over a number of years) - it's on them to communicate this to them. Had my ex wife done this, told me she was feeling taken for granted, or didn't feel special - I would have listened, and we could have at least attempted to fix things. Sometimes somebody needs a wake-up call, and infidelity shouldn't be it. I had no idea she was feeling that way. That was my own ignorance, sure, but it's not a bad enough transgression in a marriage to justify doing what she did.


You and me both, you described my situation better than I have.


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## BobSimmons

Ynot said:


> Wow! it really is too good to be true!* A week ago she "say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her."
> and" has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it."*
> 
> Now she is losing weight, looks hotter than ever and getting her spunk back. OP, if I were you I would be very leery. You need to adopt a wait and see policy. It seems as though your nice guy do anything to save the marriage attitude is giving her confidence that maybe her little fantasy might actually happen after all.


This. If a person has seemingly thought enough about splitting from their spouse for not one month but one or two years because she wants to find herself, I truly doubt even the threat of divorce would sway her.

So again one week ago she wanted a split, now she's throwing tail at you like it was out of fashion.. you buy this, I've got a paper mache yacht to sell you..seriously it will float long enough to take you around the world!

Just need newspaper...


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## LadybugMomma

farsidejunky said:


> I would insist on full transparency moving forward. This includes phone, email, computer and social media passwords.
> 
> Her reaction to this would be telling.


She won't disclose the contents of the letter she sent the other man. My guess, she won't be so willing to do this. But I too, would insist on this at minimum.


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## Too good too be true

Marc878 said:


> Most don't have the guts to hand them papers up front. Nice show of strength.
> 
> Saves waffling around in limbo hell for a year or two.


I appreciate that. Allot of that motivation came from the support on this thread.


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## LadybugMomma

Too good too be true said:


> Obviously she wasn't happy.
> 
> But at the moment she is open to working on the marriage.


I wish you luck. You need to set boundaries and your wife needs to know them and the consequences of crossing them.


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## giddiot

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Too good too be true said:


> Obviously she wasn't happy.
> 
> But at the moment she is open to working on the marriage.


So has she started dropping FB friends yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladyloves1171

I find myself in a similar predicament...how was your sex life? Were you hot for your wife and did she know that you desired her? Did you inadvertently reject her? All of those scenarios will eventually cause a woman to have low self esteem and little confidence...thus resulting in reaching back to that old high school boyfriend that made her feel desired and wanted...once that occurs, with him or someone else...there's no turning back, going back to how she felt with you...best to let her go. Be amicable, people change and feelings change...her fight shouldn't be paying forever just because she wants a different life.


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## Betrayedone

Too good too be true said:


> This is hard to write, please bear with me.
> 
> I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids age 10 and 13. My wife and I are both 42 years old.
> 
> About 8 months ago my wife tells me she needs a break and moves into an attached rental apartment next to our house.
> We decide to work on the marriage, go to counseling and I do everything in my power to save this marriage as I love this woman dearly. She say's she wants a year or two off to regain her freedom and is waiting for answers from the "universe" to guide her.
> 
> I start to suspect an affair as she has made several attempts to get in touch with an old boyfriend from her 20's. I found this information on her Facebook. She has befriended his friends on Facebook since he's not on there. On a trip to see her family out of state she goes to see this old friend of her boyfriend to find out more about him I assume.
> 
> She has told me repeatedly that she is unhappy and needs her freedom but when confronted with divorce she is against it.
> 
> I've asked her to move to her own house and her response is very mixed.
> 
> I don't know what to do!


Give her her freedom so fast it makes her head spin....get the pain over quickly so you can move on. Move on and be happy once again.


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## Marc878

Zombie thread a year old


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