# Falling asleep during movies



## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I'm not looking for a solution here, just an understanding.

H consistently falls asleep during movies, rented or at the theater. Fine, he's sleepy, his problem, not looking to change that. But when I say consistently, I mean he has stayed awake during maybe two movies in almost 20 years. So there is no denying his behavior.

My problem is that he snores, so when he falls asleep, he snores during the movie. I find it distracting, as I suspect the other people in the theater do. Because of this, I do not enjoy watching movies together. Besides that, if he happens to wake up before the movie is over, he expects to be able to ask a half-dozen questions to catch-up to the story line, which I also find very distracting.

My simple solution is to not watch movies with him. H has an issue with this. He says he wants to "watch the movie with me." Er.... he's not watching, he's sleeping. Promises repeatedly that he'll "stay awake this time," never does.

What am I missing? What is the value to him? He's asleep so he wouldn't know if I was there or not (and yes, I have gotten up and left.) I enjoy watching movies with friends, but there's actually something "shared" -- either a shared look/laugh over something very funny, security if the movie is scary, a discussion afterwards, etc. That's hard to do if the person is asleep.

Is this a guy thing? A control thing? Something else?

*ETA: Not looking to solve the mystery of why he falls asleep, but why he NEEDS to sleep through movies with me, why it would be a problem to him for me to say I don't want to watch movies with him because of it.*


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He probably has sleep apea, which is why he's falling asleep. When he snores his body is not getting enough oxygen so he doesn't rest enough. Which cuase him to be tiered and fall asleep everywhere. Please stop making him promise not to fall asleep, this is out of his control. Instead have him see a doctor for a sleep study.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's not a control or guy thing, it's got to be something else.

If my husband or I did this, we'd watch movies at home. 

Not to be mean, but it is a bit rude to hear snoring at a movie. I'd be pretty upset if I heard a stranger snoring and if I couldn't move seats, I'd probably leave and ask for a refund. Movies are a fun outing for us. We go as a family.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

LOL. Nope it's not a guy thing. I used to have the same problem, and it irritated my husband. At home, I lasted about 30 minutes before falling asleep on the couch. Although I never actually fell asleep in the theatre, I came close. It's a concentration problem for me. Something too long or complicated loses my interest. That's when my brain "checks out". Now I simply watch TV programs lasting no more than an hour.

Hope you solve the mystery.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My husband always falls asleep when we are watching a movie at home. When I notice he's out I shut the movie off. Sometimes it takes a month to get through one movie! I try not to go anywhere with him where he needs to sit passively. We have one of those cinema/restaurant combos where you have dinner and watch a movie at the same time, he always makes it through those movies.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> Please stop making him promise not to fall asleep, this is out of his control. Instead have him see a doctor for a sleep study.


I'm not asking him to not fall asleep. For me, it's a given that he will. He's the one in denial.

I'm asking him to let me watch my movie alone, sans his snoring.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> Is this a guy thing? A control thing? Something else?
> 
> *ETA: Not looking to solve the mystery of why he falls asleep, but why he NEEDS to sleep through movies with me, why it would be a problem to him for me to say I don't want to watch movies with him because of it.*


My best guess is that he's in denial, and doesn't think he really falls asleep so much. I've fallen asleep and woken up without realizing it.

How about go to morning shows instead of evening ones? Maybe he'll stay awake then.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

For 25 years my husband has done this. We don't go to movies because of this. We watch at home and every time he hopes to stay awake and every time he doesn't. It does not matter if he picks the movie or I. 
I simply elbow him and tell him to go to bed or I put a pillow over his face. I accept he will fall asleep and understand he just wants to be with me even though it doesn't make sense.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

mablenc said:


> He probably has sleep apea, which is why he's falling asleep. When he snores his body is not getting enough oxygen so he doesn't rest enough. Which cuase him to be tiered and fall asleep everywhere. Please stop making him promise not to fall asleep, this is out of his control. Instead have him see a doctor for a sleep study.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A good friend of mine died last year from sleep apnea. His wife woke up, nudged him to wake up like she did every morning for the twenty years they were married, and he was cold as ice. He simply stopped breathing sometime during the night. 

Apnea is extremely dangerous and it kills alot of people every year. Get your husband to a sleep specialist as soon as possible.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> Apnea is extremely dangerous and it kills alot of people every year. Get your husband to a sleep specialist as soon as possible.


^^^ Yea, unfortunately, he's bigger than me and I can't carry him. Plus, he's a grown-up and I don't control him anyway.

What I'm trying to figure out here is what is the value in sleeping through a movie with someone? So I guess the question would be for those people that do it and find value in it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If it's a guy thing, then my wife is a dude.

If you're in a theater and he snores, please nudge him awake for the sake of the other viewers. If you're at home, just finish watching the movie. If he asks questions, tell him the disk is right there for the rewinding when he really wants to know. 

You'd think by this time he would be aware of his behavior, wouldn't you? Just like by now you'd think you would be aware that it isn't going to change any time soon. 

Is this a battle worth winning? Worth fighting even?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Cletus, it's not a battle worth fighting for me. My solution is to not go there in the first place. "No, H, I don't want to watch a movie with you."

That seems to be a problem for H. I'm trying to understand why it might be a problem for H, what value he gleans from it that he won't drop it?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My mother does this. She picks out movies, we all watch them together, and she falls asleep. Then she denies sleeping, even though we all heard her snoring. Finally my dad put his foot down and refused to tell her the ends of movies or TV shows any more. I find it hilarious, but maybe that's because she's my mom and not my spouse.

Why does my mom do this? Well, I suppose she'd tell you she's not ready for bed so of course she wants to watch the movie. I think she truly believes that this time, she won't fall asleep.

I don't know why my dad ever lets her pick movies though. Lol.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> Cletus, it's not a battle worth fighting for me. My solution is to not go there in the first place. "No, H, I don't want to watch a movie with you."
> 
> That seems to be a problem for H. I'm trying to understand why it might be a problem for H, what value he gleans from it that he won't drop it?


Why? Do you not like movies, even at home? 

When he asks you if you'd like to pop a DVD in the player and watch a movie with him next time, say "Sure!". Make sure it's something you want to see, then watch it 'til the end. Turn up the volume as necessary if he snores. Don't worry about his enjoyment, which he seems to be getting fully from just being in the same room.

You seem to need him to both be there and to be awake the entire time for YOU to enjoy yourself. Why is that?

Public movie theaters are another matter altogether.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I DO like movies. I just returned two rentals from last night. I DON'T like trying to watch a movie while someone is snoring. I'm perfectly content watching alone.

Here's the question then.... why are public movie theaters another matter altogether? If "other people" don't like H's snoring through the movie, why wouldn't it be a problem for me too? Frankly, it's difficult to match the movie volume offered by a theater, so if that were a solution for me, why not for the "general public"?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> ^^^ Yea, unfortunately, he's bigger than me and I can't carry him. Plus, he's a grown-up and I don't control him anyway.
> 
> What I'm trying to figure out here is what is the value in sleeping through a movie with someone? So I guess the question would be for those people that do it and find value in it.


There's no value, he can't help it. 

Checking out, I hope you find your solution.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

mablenc said:


> There's no value, he can't help it.
> 
> Checking out, I hope you find your solution.


I realize now that I titled the thread wrong, because everyone is focusing on the fact that H falls asleep during movies, and what to do about that. But I'm not looking for a solution to that or to his sleep problems in general. We've beat that horse to death, to the point where I'm just nagging him now.

I was trying to get an understanding of what value he gets out my being there while he's asleep. We've actually had arguments about this. I want to watch a movie without his snoring. He insists on being there with me, even though he knows he's going to fall asleep. They aren't even movies that he likes, because I don't bother picking for him anymore when I know he's going to fall asleep. (Yes, he falls asleep during the movies HE picks, too.)

I'm trying to understand because it SEEMS like he doesn't want me to enjoy the movie. It SEEMS like he doesn't want me to enjoy something without him. It SEEMS rather sadistic and it's causing me to have bad feelings for him.

Is he just afraid of the dark?
Is it a control thing?
Is it sadistic and he gets joy out of disturbing me?
Does he expect me to find his snoring _adorable_?

ETA: I have asked him, he just says he likes it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

From my perspective, I really wanted to watch movies with my husband. It was never my intention to annoy him or play any other mind games. However, I couldn't stay focused on a movie no matter how hard I tried. The solution for us was to watch 30 minute segments at a time. The other approach (at home) was for me to keep my hands busy with needlework.

Have you asked your husband why he rather sleep during a movie than actually watch it? Why he elects to watch the movie instead of doing something else?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Aug, I understand wanting to do something with your spouse. I understand you don't intentionally fall asleep.

Can I ask you, if your H said he didn't want to do something with you because you (albeit unintentionally) make it unpleasant for him, would you insist on doing it anyway?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Next time he falls asleep, take out the DVD and move to another room and finish watching it there. 

Honestly though - no one will be able to answer for your husband OP on why he insists on being there to "watch" the movie with you, even he's 99.9% going to fall asleep, snore, and be distracting.

Does he take naps? Maybe he doesn't like sleeping alone and doesn't want to admit it. Maybe he feels he's providing company. Maybe he really is sadistic and enjoys you not being able to enjoy because of his snoring. Maybe all of the above. 

You need to ask him. And if it is proving annoying to the point of serious resentment, maybe it's time to talk about this in MC, where you can point out that a mutually enjoyable activity is no longer mutual when one person is asleep, and is no longer enjoyable because of it. 

Does he do this during other things, or just movies specifically?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Imagine that you always do some activity with your husband. Lets say it is taking a morning walk. You've done it every week for twenty years. Then, one day he says, "I don't want you to do this with me any more." Would you feel hurt and rejected? Would you feel less hurt and rejected if he gave you an answer why? 

As for your husband, he can't hear himself snore, so you have to video him snoring and play it back to him. If it's truly disruptive he'll get the point if he isn't dense. But I have to ask, if he fell asleep and didn't make a sound would you still be annoyed?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As I get older I find it more and more difficult to watch movies at night. I almost ALWAYS fall asleep. ExW hated it, girlfriend doesn't mind so much.

I still like watching movies with my gf, I don't know why to be honest. Maybe it's the thought of just being there with them? Like when you take a nap together?

I wouldn't take it personally, some of us just can't stay up without direct stimulation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> ETA: Not looking to solve the mystery of why he falls asleep, but why he NEEDS to sleep through movies with me, why it would be a problem to him for me to say I don't want to watch movies with him because of it.


I don't know why he would say 'don't watch a movie without me' even though he doesn't watch movies and falls asleep during.

Maybe it's out of the pleasure of torturing you... maybe it's completely benign... either way it's about his not respecting your wishes (wanting peace and quiet while movie watching). If he can't do that for you, then you have to take measures into your own hands. Talking about it isn't getting you anywhere. He's determined to go on like usual. You can do a couple of things here:

1) watch/go to the movies by yourself and ignore his pouting over it

2) continue to go watch with him knowing he'll disrupt it and/or others if you're out

3) limit yourself to DVD's at home and switch rooms when he dozes off


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> Aug, I understand wanting to do something with your spouse. I understand you don't intentionally fall asleep.
> 
> Can I ask you, if your H said he didn't want to do something with you because you (albeit unintentionally) make it unpleasant for him, would you insist on doing it anyway?


That's kind of a tricky question to answer. I spent more than 20 years dealing with his passive aggressive behavior. It finally got to the point where he said every activity with me was unpleasant. Translation, he was cheating and didn't want me going anywhere with him. He really got annoyed when I would invite myself along. Oh, to watch him squirm canceling a date!

Honestly I think there must be deeper problems with your relationship. It doesn't sound like two people "in love" with each other. People in love don't annoy each other.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think that's kind of a fallacy - just because you love someone and are in love with them, doesn't mean they might not have some habits that annoy you. Now because of your love for them, you might ignore them, or tolerate them, and have learned to live with them. But - they might still be kind of annoying. 

Being in love doesn't magically erase the possibility of any other emotions attached to someone ie- anger, sadness, and yes - annoyance. 

I mean - I love my son bunches, but when he decides that he needs to practice how high in pitch he can scream in the back seat all the way to the grocery store - it's still annoying.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Starstarfish, we've done counseling on several issues like this, and the main problem I have with it is that H and the counselor seem content with "I don't know" as an answer. The counselor says, "If he doesn't have a better answer, then he doesn't have a better answer." I'm supposed to accept that's how he feels without an explanation. Which is fine, as long as I can leave the room to watch it elsewhere, because "that's how I feel," but H thinks that's wrong of me to do because then he's not getting what he wants. (To your question, "Does he do this during other things": H has sleep issues so he falls asleep often; he also expects me to continue to do things that he makes unpleasant for me.) 

Also, not having an understanding makes it impossible to address his need in a mutually pleasing manner. For example, if he said, "It's the only time we ever spend together so it's the only opportunity I have to feel close to you. I wish I could stay awake, but it's just too late in the evening." Then we could find a different way to meet his need, slotting time earlier in the day to do something together that's more stimulating. Or if he said, "I know it's a romance and they turn you on, so I want to hear when you get up when the movie is over so I can get me some lovin'." Then, alternatively, I could simply promise to wake him later in bed. But "I don't know" simply doesn't help.

VermisciousKnid (LOL! What kind of name is that??) No, I wouldn't feel rejected. In fact, I would feel bad/apologetic because I didn't know it was a problem for him and I was causing him discomfort. I would definitely not expect him to continue to endure it. I find value in making other people happy, not in making them uncomfortable, or demanding that their enjoyment looks the same as mine. Admittedly, I don't quite get the whole "rejection" thing. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion; having one doesn't make it right, nor make it something I should take personally (aka rejection.) For me, it's really "okay" if someone doesn't experience things the same as me.

Aug, tough sitch! Obviously, neither one of us is having an affair during the movie, so that's a bit different sitch. There are definitely bigger problems in our M; I was just looking for an understanding, so I can work on me when necessary, or not when it's really his problem.

I agree Starstarfish, being in love or even loving doesn't make you immune to bad behaviors. Good example with your son.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Doesn't he snore in bed at night? Doesn't that annoy you more than when trying to watch a movie?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Yes, I sleep in the other bedroom or I'm constantly exhausted for lack of sleep. He wants me to sleep in the same bed anyway. Perfect example, actually. What is the value/rationale? He's sleeping.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, you've solved that issue despite what "he wants"..... why not do the same now? If it bothers you, it bothers you. Quit watching movies with him, or watch them with the volume turned up. 

Why does it matter what his rationale is?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I'm trying to offset the resentment that builds in relationships because of this sort of thing. I believe H will build resentment towards me because I'm not meeting his needs. If I give in to his need, then I will build resentment because I'm not getting my needs met (life without snoring.) If his need is simply a control issue, then I'm fine saying too bad for him, because that's an unhealthy need and his problem. If it's really a less offensive need, like wanting to spend more time together, then it can be addressed in a different manner where neither of us builds resentment towards the other.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I fall asleep a lot in the living room while watching tv. I'm sure I snore. Hub will ask why I don't go to bed and I answer it's because I want to be near him.

If I go to bed and fall asleep there - I find myself waking up looking for him. 

There's a comfort in just being near my other half. 

Ask.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Oh, and I do snore while sleeping. Unless it's really, really bad, he stays in there with me. Yes, I would be hurt if he slept in the other room all the time. In fact, I'd consider it insulting and it would greatly hinder intimacy.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

TCS, I REALLY appreciate you chiming in! You sound much like my H.

I'm wondering if I can please ask you to expound upon your position without feeling like I'm attacking you? That is not my intention. I'm just seeking understanding.

I want to know how you get/are okay with your H being UNcomfortable so that you can be comfortable, to the point of being insulted if he sought his own comfort over yours (when, in fact, that's what you're doing by wanting him to put up with your snoring?)


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

But if he won't or cannot articulate his needs.... then you are just spinning your wheels. 

What if you say to him: "I resent you snoring through movies because it distracts me, but you seem to resent it when I don't want to watch a movie with you. How can we solve this?" 

Throw the problem back at him. If he says "I don't know." Consider it unsolvable, OR solve it yourself without his input.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Here's the thing and I'll speak blunty. If my H was constantly seeking ways to NOT spend time with me, then he could NOT spend time with me single. 

How is it making him uncomfortable if I'm snoring at home in my own living room? He can hear the television so it's not interrupting his viewing. 

That said, he does occasionally go see movies that I'm not really interested in by himself and he does watch television on occasion by himself. 

But if he's sleeping in another room on a regular basis? That's not gonna fly.

Marriage isn't just when it's convenient or comfortable. I didn't run away from spending time with him after his surgeries when his activities were restricted for months. I even stayed overnight with him in the hospital to keep him company (which he appreciated).


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

This isn't "constantly seeking ways to NOT spend time with him." This is a specific problem. (But this is good, because once again you sound a lot like my H.)

Obviously, your snoring in bed IS a problem for your H or he would never bother to go to the other room. He just does then when it's 'really bad.' At minimum, it's disruptive to his sleep. I did it for years, but I found that it was disruptive to my sleep at an unconscious level (meaning I wouldn't wake up enough to be aware of what was going on, I would just not be able to get a good night's sleep.)

Why is YOUR sleeping need (your H in the same bed as you) more important than your H's sleeping need (getting a good night's sleep)?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I also think there's a big difference between an exception like a surgery, versus something that will occur for 8 hours every night for the rest of your M, especially when there is an option for addressing it (ie. another bed or a CPAP.)


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mablenc said:


> He probably has sleep apea, which is why he's falling asleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not trying to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to clarify something. Sleep apnea has nothing to do with people falling asleep. It's a disorder where a person who is asleep is sometimes not breathing correctly. The husband in this case could have sleep apnea (just like any of us could), but that would have nothing to do with his falling asleep during movies. 
Sleep apnea - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You might be confusing sleep apnea with other disorders, such as narcolepsy, although I doubt the husband is suffering from that either.
Narcolepsy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> VermisciousKnid (LOL! What kind of name is that??) No, I wouldn't feel rejected. In fact, I would feel bad/apologetic because I didn't know it was a problem for him and I was causing him discomfort. I would definitely not expect him to continue to endure it. I find value in making other people happy, not in making them uncomfortable, or demanding that their enjoyment looks the same as mine. Admittedly, I don't quite get the whole "rejection" thing. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion; having one doesn't make it right, nor make it something I should take personally (aka rejection.) For me, it's really "okay" if someone doesn't experience things the same as me.


Vermiscious Knids. They are in the sequel book to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Except I misspelled it when creating my login. It is really Vermicious Knids.

What if you thought his reason was petty? What if you enjoyed that time together and found it couldn't be replaced? I think an opinion is more like, "I think ribeye steak tastes better than filet mignon." I don't see how you could be unaffected by his "opinion" if spending that time together was something you valued.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> TCS, I REALLY appreciate you chiming in! You sound much like my H.
> 
> I'm wondering if I can please ask you to expound upon your position without feeling like I'm attacking you? That is not my intention. I'm just seeking understanding.
> 
> I want to know how you get/are okay with your H being UNcomfortable so that you can be comfortable, to the point of being insulted if he sought his own comfort over yours (when, in fact, that's what you're doing by wanting him to put up with your snoring?)


 Not feeling like you're attacking? Read your post! LOL!

Have fun getting help if you're gonna react this way to anyone willing to ofer perspective from the other side.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I've done it before in the movie theater and at home. Really just depends on how tired I am and how interested I am in the movie.

I will especially fall asleep watching one of my youngest daughter's movies ... how many times to I have to see that Barbie movie? Her solution is to give me a sharp elbow in the ribs and watch the movie with her, lol!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Not trying to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to clarify something. Sleep apnea has nothing to do with people falling asleep. It's a disorder where a person who is asleep is sometimes not breathing correctly. The husband in this case could have sleep apnea (just like any of us could), but that would have nothing to do with his falling asleep during movies.
> Sleep apnea - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> You might be confusing sleep apnea with other disorders, such as narcolepsy, although I doubt the husband is suffering from that either.
> Narcolepsy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


I did mean sleep apnea because of the lack of oxegen properly flowing through the body during sleep, causes extreme tiredness. So while sufferers do sleep though the night, the body does not rest properly. which is why most people with sleep apnea cant get enough sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
http://www.fda.gov/forconsumers/consumerupdates/ucm330932.htm


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I did mean sleep apnea because of the lack of oxegen properly flowing through the body during sleep, causes extreme tiredness. So while sufferers do sleep though the night, the body does not rest properly. which is why most people with sleep apnea cant get enough sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> Always Tired? You May Have Sleep Apnea


Exactly right, sleep apnea will put you in perpetual sleep deprivation making it very easy to fall asleep under the right conditions ... such a dark movie theater. Not the same thing as narcolepsy.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> I DO like movies. I just returned two rentals from last night. I DON'T like trying to watch a movie while someone is snoring. I'm perfectly content watching alone.
> 
> Here's the question then.... why are public movie theaters another matter altogether? If "other people" don't like H's snoring through the movie, why wouldn't it be a problem for me too? Frankly, it's difficult to match the movie volume offered by a theater, so if that were a solution for me, why not for the "general public"?


Because other people can't hold a pillow over his face until he relents and goes to bed. 

Hey, I got the same problem at home. I groused about it and made a fuss and finally found peace through lack of resistance.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

He has a number of sleep issues. He has seen a specialist. The degree to which he cares to pursue it further is up to him. I can't do more than I have without nagging or mothering him.

SomeGuy, I'm with your daughter. The point of watching a movie together is "watching" the movie together. I do feel for you, though, in regards to the Barbie movie. 



> What if you thought his reason was petty? What if you enjoyed that time together and found it couldn't be replaced? I think an opinion is more like, "I think ribeye steak tastes better than filet mignon." I don't see how you could be unaffected by his "opinion" if spending that time together was something you valued.


Personally, I can't value doing something with someone else that knowingly causes them discomfort, especially when there are other options. I mean, we're not talking sex, or a kidney, just a movie, and not even the kind of movie he likes. Besides, anyone whose personal happiness is that dependent upon another person's actions is in trouble anyway. Just MHO, of course. 

TCS, I'm really not trying to attack you. I don't even know you. I didn't say you were stupid or selfish or "how could you possibly even think that's right?" I'm just asking a question. If my phrasing is poor, it's just from too many years of working with computer code. Really, no offense intended, my sincere apologies for my approach. Clearly, you believe your way is the way to go. So does my H. I just think differently and would like an understanding of your line of thinking. Your answer could be something like, "My security is more important than my H's sleep; we talked about it and we both agreed." Or, he does this uncomfortable thing for me because I do X uncomfortable thing for him (he owes me for staying at the hospital with him.)" You could even say, "I don't care, it's his problem." Anything goes, really, just looking for the thought process.

ETA: I'm not looking to judge whether your answer is right or wrong; I'm not qualified. I'm just looking to determine compatibility (re: my H, not you.)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> But if he's sleeping in another room on a regular basis? That's not gonna fly.
> 
> Marriage isn't just when it's convenient or comfortable. I didn't run away from spending time with him after his surgeries when his activities were restricted for months. I even stayed overnight with him in the hospital to keep him company (which he appreciated).


That seems to be a frequent position taken by the spouse doing all of the snoring.

Some of us can't sleep with a snoring spouse. Not "don't like" or "get annoyed" but cannot get a decent night's sleep. So while we may go to bed together every night, we often wake up in a different room, with everyone well rested and no one strangled to death in her own bed.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Cletus, could you apply the same "lack of resistance" if your W insisted that you sleep in the same bed always (ie. "not gonna fly")?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Cletus said:


> That seems to be a frequent position taken by the spouse doing all of the snoring.
> 
> Some of us can't sleep with a snoring spouse. Not "don't like" or "get annoyed" but cannot get a decent night's sleep. So while we may go to bed together every night, we often wake up in a different room, with everyone well rested and no one strangled to death in her own bed.


I don't snore every night. When I do snore, it's normally quiet. He only hears that level because he suffers from chronic insomnia - unrelated to me. 

He feels the same way and that's why we DO sleep in the same room. It's easy to lose intimacy in a marriage when you start acting like roommates. 

Never have I said that MY needs were more important. Fortunately, Hub and I are in agreement with what we do. 

Speaking of which, we're headed there now. Happily.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I'm glad you and your H agree, TCS. It sounds like it works for you.

My H, unfortunately, is a LOUD snorer. It doesn't work for us. On the other hand, there's a lot of things that define a M different from roommates besides sleeping in the same bed. 

Curiously, my H refused to sleep with our son when he was younger because he snores, too, though not as loud as H. He whined endlessly the next day about how annoying it was and how he didn't get a minute of sleep.  So whenever our our son climbed in bed with him, he'd automatically get up and go sleep elsewhere. Not seeing the difference...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Lets say it is taking a morning walk. You've done it every week for twenty years. Then, one day he says, "I don't want you to do this with me any more."


Yeah, but - unless you are a god amongst men, you weren't sleeping during that morning walk. That would be an activity you were both engaged in. Which - sorry, but being asleep is not "doing something with someone" or "spending time with them." I'm not debating that it may be comforting and enjoyable for the snoozing spouse, and preferable to napping/sleeping alone. 

But - when people ask "How often do you date your wife? How often do the two of you go out alone doing date like things?" and give the recommended 15 hours a week, the follow up question isn't, "How many hours a night are you sleeping next to them, oh, every night, don't worry then - you are spending enough time with them." It's different. Someone asleep is "there" but isn't really "there."

If like myself, and seemingly OP for you watching a movie is a "Quality Time" thing wherein part of your enjoyment of the movie comes from the fact that you are enjoying it -with- your spouse - when the spouse is asleep, it makes the activity now "Solo Time." But not really if after the person is cranky and wants a plot summary, and every time they promise it will be different, but it never is. I mean - if every Friday night for 20 years, your spouse promised to show up at a restaurant - but always stood you up, even if the reasons were always beyond their control, but - they kept demanding you make reservations and getting stood up anyway, how would that make you feel?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> I'm glad you and your H agree, TCS. It sounds like it works for you.
> 
> My H, unfortunately, is a LOUD snorer. It doesn't work for us. On the other hand, there's a lot of things that define a M different from roommates besides sleeping in the same bed.
> 
> Curiously, my H refused to sleep with our son when he was younger because he snores, too, though not as loud as H. He whined endlessly the next day about how annoying it was and how he didn't get a minute of sleep.  So whenever our our son climbed in bed with him, he'd automatically get up and go sleep elsewhere. Not seeing the difference...


I don't see the difference either. Your husband is being a jerk to you in this instance IMO.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> Cletus, could you apply the same "lack of resistance" if your W insisted that you sleep in the same bed always (ie. "not gonna fly")?


No, because if you can't sleep, you can't sleep. It's not a preference, it's a fundamental life necessity. I work a job that requires me to be mentally alert, and that means at least 7 
hours of good sleep a night. That's something that no amount of earplugs, background noise, or pillow over my head can give me with a snoring spouse. 

The compromise is to start in the same room together. Sometimes I make it all the way until morning, and sometimes not.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

What Cletus said. The compromise is going to bed with H. If you feel like getting up and sleeping somewhere else at some point, just do it. If H gripes about it the next morning, just simply state that his snoring was preventing you from sleeping so you HAD to move. Period. 

It doesn't have to be a debate. Just end the argument. Same idea with the movie.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> What Cletus said. The compromise is going to bed with H. If you feel like getting up and sleeping somewhere else at some point, just do it. If H gripes about it the next morning, just simply state that his snoring was preventing you from sleeping so you HAD to move. Period.
> 
> It doesn't have to be a debate. Just end the argument. Same idea with the movie.


Exactly. Your choices are

1. Watch the movie while he sleeps and snores, if you can enjoy it
2. Stop watching the movie if you can't enjoy it
3. Decline the invitation next time 
4. Watch the movie and require he stay awake with you the entire time.

Let's say you're obstinate and decide to choose option 4. How are you going to go about enforcing it? Electrodes? Coffee? Slapping? Whining? Withholding sex?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Honestly I know you didn't want advice, just 'understanding' but I'm still failing to understand this, even after reading 4 pages. I guess I don't understand that you'd do something that actively bothers/upsets you just because of his 'insistence'.

My husband could insist until he's blue in the face that I do something that annoys me, doesn't mean I feel any compunction to do it. Is he bullying you into it? Is he guilt-tripping you? Do you simply feel the need to roll over and do whatever he says because that's what wives do?

I just can't understand that part of the equation I guess. 

Being told what to do + ??? = doing it even though you hate it.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> If you feel like getting up and sleeping somewhere else at some point, just do it. If H gripes about it the next morning, just simply state that his snoring was preventing you from sleeping so you HAD to move. Period.


See, *I* get that. But my H is more like TCS, where "that's not gonna fly." I'm sure that TCS believes she's perfectly right in her approach and still considers herself a wonderful S, as my H does, too. From my side of things, though, it's difficult to live with, and the attitude comes across as very devaluing.

Cletus, the option I've taken is 5 - Wait until H goes to bed and then watch my movie.

Jane Doe, if the topic were sex and I"m LD and H is HD, then I can accommodate his need even when I don't want to, because my *understanding* of his need alleviates my annoyance and inconvenience when I'm not in the mood. I get it. It doesn't change the fact that it's still not what I would choose to do, but I can still show him compassion for his need and not feel like I'm being disrespected because there is a method to his madness.

That's why I'm asking for an understanding of what he could possibly get out of sleeping through a movie with me. Because I don't get it, I can't value his need as more important than mine, especially when I can see that the sleep can be gotten elsewhere, and like starstarfish said, it's not 'quality time'. His insistence for his need(?) and indifference to mine is building resentment in me.

At the same time, he would tell you that my unwillingness to accommodate his need is causing him resentment, too.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> That's why I'm asking for an understanding of what he could possibly get out of sleeping through a movie with me. Because I don't get it, I can't value his need as more important than mine, especially when I can see that the sleep can be gotten elsewhere, and like starstarfish said, it's not 'quality time'. His insistence for his need(?) and indifference to mine is causing me to feel used and abused and building resentment in me.


IMHO, the words "used and abused" don't belong in this conversation.

This is not a problem that rises to that level unless he has threatened you with retaliation for not doing what he wishes.

This is a mundane two-people-sharing-a-house kind of problem that we all face and for which we find work-arounds.

I use the rear view mirrors on the car example with my wife. She won't set them right (and yes, there IS an objectively correct way to set your mirrors), and I can't convince her that she's wrong, even though I saved us from a sure accident one day from the passenger seat. She's not abusing me, I shouldn't feel resentment - at least not until we actually have a wreck, and there's only one thing for me to do.

STFU.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

I can't really relate this. Unless you're telling me that the correct way for her to set the rear view mirrors is so that *you* can use them and she can't, even though she's driving the car, because somehow it's really more important that you be able to use them than her?

Are you recommending that I STFU regarding H's insistence on sleeping/snoring through my movie, because it's just a difference of opinion? Sorry if I'm being dense, I'm just not relating it.

The "used and abused" comment is more in-line with the quantity of situations we have like this; I'm just using one example to divide and conquer. Feel free to nix the words if they're distracting from the topic.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> I'm sure that TCS believes she's perfectly right in her approach and still considers herself a wonderful S, as my H does, too. From my side of things, though, it's difficult to live with, and the attitude comes across as very devaluing.


See? That's where your marriage and mine are clearly VASTLY different. My husband actually thinks I 'AM' a wonderful spouse where you don't seem to feel that way about yours. 

I don't devalue my H at all and go to great lengths to ensure he knows that at all times. Our situation seems to be much less rocky than what you are describing.

Please stop using me in your thread as a whipping boy and taking out the resentment you feel for your H on me. It's very frustrating to actually offer a view point and then repeatedly be bashed for it.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

TCS, I have a different viewpoint than you. If you interpret my voicing my different viewpoint as "bashing," then that's on you.

I *LOVE* different viewpoints. It gives me something to think about, something besides what's already rolling around in my head. If I just wanted my own thoughts reflected back to me, I'd talk to a mirror. I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint, but just because it's *yours* doesn't make it right for everyone. I'm not going to withhold *my* own thoughts on *my* own thread. I will try to be as courteous and polite as possible, but the rest is on you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SlowCreek.NoPaddle said:


> I can't really relate this. Unless you're telling me that the correct way for her to set the rear view mirrors is so that *you* can use them and she can't, even though she's driving the car, because somehow it's really more important that you be able to use them than her?


No, I'm saying that there is one and only one correct way for every driver to maximize driving safety, but she has no interest in learning the correct way for her. She likes it her way and doesn't care what I or numerous experts in the field think. So be it. I will never change her opinion. Nor will I ever be able to keep her awake through a whole movie that she doesn't find completely engrossing.



> Are you recommending that I STFU regarding H's insistence on sleeping/snoring through my movie, because it's just a difference of opinion? Sorry if I'm being dense, I'm just not relating it.


Well, yeah, pretty much. That's what I'm saying. I'm also saying that you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You're not obligated to take my advice, but that's what I would do in your shoes. Have done, in fact. 



> The "used and abused" comment is more in-line with the quantity of situations we have like this; I'm just using one example to divide and conquer. Feel free to nix the words if they're distracting from the topic.


They're not detracting from the topic - you chose them intentionally. That you chose them in this discussion tells us lots about something. I'm just not sure what, because they do not apply to the conversation at hand, plus I think they get overused on this forum. 

Anyway, I'm not going to beat you over the head about it. I've had my $0.02 (worth $37 and change). I won't be offended if you don't agree.

Only you can decide what fights are worth fighting in your marriage. Do you really want this to be one of them?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Your quote 'I'm sure she still considers herself a wonderful S' is just blatantly insulting. 

Back it up and at least own the insult if you're gonna sling it.

Also, you state that I believe that I'm perfectly right in my approach. Well, for MY marriage with MY husband, yes, I am or let's face it, we would have divorced. 

Again, please don't speak for me. I'm quite capable all on my own. 

Moving forward, please stick to speaking for you and your situation - thank you very much. I've learned to include you in the 'doesn't really want to hear other opinions' list.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Cletus, not meaning to beat the words to death. It was a combination of dramatic verbal habit (like "I'm dying here!") which don't have any basis in reality, and the fact that there are more issues factoring in but I'm just trying to keep it to a single issue.

*This* is not a mountain. The mountain is built by multitudes of these. Just trying to start somewhere.


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