# Need support, words of wisdom.



## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Background: Married for 20 years.
She 46 
Me 55 
No kids at home

My pretty little wife walked away from our marriage in December of last year her affair started in November. She left in an affair fog with a male wh0re who has broken up many marriages in our community. I filed for a divorce, exposed her affair to family and friends and started looking for help which included IC and then I found TAM in March. I started the 180 and went dark. 

Next week we meet with our lawyers for mediation and I have been an emotional mess. She and her lawyer have filed ever motion under the sun trying to make me look like the bad guy in this divorce. She has lived with this POSOM on and off since she left me in December. I know for a fact he has been seeing other women on the side since moving in with her. He has recently been going out of town on the weekend and living with her through the week. 

Last week she called me early in the morning I have not been talking to her but the early morning call was a surprise. I did not have my glasses on and I did not believe she would call at that time in the morning. Long and short of the story I ended up talking to her. She was upset and crying saying she missed me and had wanted to hear my voice. This was the first sign of remorse she has shown since leaving. What a crock of $hit, I am aware of what is going on and I will not be a plan B. 

Why does this divorce have to be so complicated? She is the one who left and she is the one who is trying to rewrite our martial history with verbal and mental abuse. 

I want a D from her, I want to get over the embarrassment, the pain, and the suffering she has caused me. I don't know how to just stop loving someone after twenty years of marriage. I feel like all my dreams and goals for life are gone. It is like everything I had hoped for in life has been taken from me. At 55 years old how does one simply just start over ? The hurt has been almost unbearable had in not been for a few good friends and the support I received from my church I would have not been able to make it this far. 

Thanks to the 180 I have been able to help myself detach from her and move on to some degree. However, after I met with my lawyer this week I have gone to pieces. The D is almost here, I do not think the mediation will result in anything except the realization that we will end up in court and a judge will decide how to split things 50/50.

I have been reading gut-punch’s journal and some of the other entries on TAM and I know I have been very fortunate to have found this site. The information and advise has been life saving for me. I know this has been a bad week for me. Is this just a pity party or I am afraid of losing most of what I have. My life is such a mess right now I don't see how there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have not felt this way since she left in December, why am I this upset? I know in my heart I need to D and let myself move on. I cannot live with a cheater who does not love anyone except herself. Please any encouragement or advise would be helpful at this point I am struggling.

Thanks


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Seems like you are ahead of the curve.

Her words don't mean a thing: don't listen to what they say, watch what they do.

Full steam ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Thanks ReGroup her words do not mean a thing: her actions tell a different story.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I think you sound pretty sane! You have found support through positive environments and are looking to save what you've built. 

As for the feelings of hopelessness, it's understandable. You didn't chose this; she did. You're dealing with the aftermath. The change you were forced to go through is not simple as your life was built on consistency and routine...everything was shaken when she left. She's shaking it up again by calling you off-guard.

I cannot imagine living 22 years with someone to have it all go to the wayside. It's worse than death...I think! When a person dies, the death is final. When there is a death of a marriage, you know...somehow...it COULD make it...when you D you wonder if the marriage really died. During D (sometimes) the feelings of 'life' are re-kindled even if you want the marriage dead. When you R you wonder if the marriage is really alive. During R (sometimes) the feelings of 'death' seep into your soul even if you want the marriage alive. Make sense?


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

@ Regga thanks and you make good sense. There seems to be a overload of feelings going on right now. This is truly worse than a death. I deal with my grief by telling myself the person who I loved has died and there is a person out there who looks a lot like her who I no longer know. There is a lot of hurt in my soul. I have faith to believe things will be better today.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

arked said:


> Background: Married for 20 years.
> She 46
> Me 55
> No kids at home
> ...


I'm sorry your going through this and I know it hurts. I've only been M for 5 years and feel horrible, so I can only imagine how you feel. But we have to stay strong and do what's in the best interest for us. Screw these woman because no matter how much you try it's not enough. After reading many threads on here, it seems like the more you try to make things better, they always find a way to mess with your head. We deserve better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

RSFWID said:


> I'm sorry your going through this and I know it hurts. I've only been M for 5 years and feel horrible, so I can only imagine how you feel. But we have to stay strong and do what's in the best interest for us. Screw these woman because no matter how much you try it's not enough. After reading many threads on here, it seems like the more you try to make things better, they always find a way to mess with your head. We deserve better
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not every woman is like that....we can say the same for men too if you want to play that game....


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Peeps678 said:


> Not every woman is like that....we can say the same for men too if you want to play that game....


You've right they're not. Sorry if I offended you, I mean the ones who play games with a mans heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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