# my health is hurting our marriage



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I have had tinnitus (constant ringing in my ears) since I was 8 years old; it was caused by an ear infection. Anyway this winter I had a severe ear infection that made the ringing much worse on my right side. There is no treatment or cure for tinnitus. In fact, many tinnitus sufferers commit suicide because the loud sound drives them crazy. I am not at the level but the sound is so loud that it makes me difficult to hear people speak, TV, ambient noise. 

The fact that it is permanent and untreatable has me very depressed. I (probably stupidly) spent a lot of time reading about it online and came away with the impression that the 'normal' thing to do is to commit suicide. I am not a suicidal person so don't worry. It's just got me very depressed because I know that this is a permanent, life-altering condition. When we can afford it, I'll go to a psychologist for some therapy to try to deal with it.

Two big issues are coming up in my marriage with this. First, H is always saying things like "It will get better, it will go back to how it was before (since I was 8 - tolerable level)". The thing is that for me to cope with this, I need to accept that it's permanent and find ways to sort of move on, and I am so tired of trying to explain to him that it is NOT helpful to be told these 'there, there' platitudes. I know he feels helpless and wants to fix it and comfort me, but he can't and it's driving me nuts that he can't just say "I'm so sorry that this happened and I'll be here for you no matter what," when I get depressed about it.

The second problem is that I can't hear very well anymore. Sometimes I speak too loudly or too quietly because I can't really tell how loud I'm speaking. I'm constantly asking him to repeat himself. I know it annoys him. This makes me kind of avoid conversation. I'm starting to feel isolated, not just out in the world but even in my own home. 

Any advice for how to get him to quit with the 'it will be okay don't give up hope' crap, or about the isolating thing? Hearing aids won't help me; there's nothing wrong with my hearing. It's just that whatever is out there to be heard is being drowned out by this very loud ringing.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi omega ~

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have slight tinnitis - I think maybe just from aging. It's weird because sometimes it is a bit worse and sometimes a bit better. I don't have it to the point where I can't hear well, or where it drives me to distraction, though. Actually, if I concentrate on it - like right now since it is on my mind, I can hear a slight high-pitched ringing in both of my ears.

Firstly, for your husband - maybe start to educate him. Have him start looking at some articles/books about the condition. Have him go to any doctor's appointment with you if you have any. Just simply tell him, "Thanks honey for the shout-out, but I really need to just know that you will be here for me."

And, for you - quit doing online research and looking in to scary things like suicide. Read something like the following which offers insight and ways to cope with the disorder:

Amazon.com: Tinnitus: Turning the Volume Down (Revised & Expanded) (9781934266038): Kevin Hogan, Jennifer Battaglino: Books

What do you do to keep busy? Hobbies? Exercising? If you can keep yourself busy, you may be able to tune out some of the ringing.

There's always hope, Omega. Even if you cannot be rid of the ringing, believe that you can learn techniques to try and manage it and learn to live with it. Don't give up that hope. 

I love Emily Di(kinson and her poem on hope:

_Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul, 
And sings the tune without the words, 
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 
And sore must be the storm 
That could abash the little bird 
That kept so many warm. 

I've heard it in the chillest land, 
And on the strangest sea; 
Yet, never, in extremity, 
It asked a crumb of me._

Best wishes.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Actually there are treatments available. Not all people respond to all treatments, so you need to get with your doctor.

Xanax can be used to treat both the problem (Tinnitus) and the anxiety caused by it. Acamprosate is currently undergoing studies in this country after it was reported to reduce the severity of tinnitus in 87% of patients in another study.

There are also food therapy, holistic and other approaches. Sound therapy is another alternative.

I had a severe virally induced hearing loss in both ears several years ago. While I eventually got most of my hearing back, I was left a bad dose of tinnitus.

I had a great doctor that helped me through all the issues. He wasn't the first doctor I went too though. The first two told me "Nothing can be done, you'll have to learn to live with it" That wasn't acceptable to me.

Go see a specialist. Dig, dig, dig. Be responsible for your own health.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Also, don't give up hope. It may improve over time. 

I went form a 90% hearing loss in my ear, back to almost 100%. I am missing "tones" but still have volume and clarity.

The tinnitus may fade back to what you had before. Auditory nerves regenerate very slowly.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i have the same problem. it keeps me awake at night, makes hearing difficult and makes me talk louder than i should.

i went to a doctor (twice at my wife's insistence) and there was nothing he could do.

i suggest first, going to the doctor with your husband so he hears it first hand what your situation is.

second, if he's giving you the "there, there" treatment, it must be in response to you mentioning the problem. don't mention it to him again and you won't get that response.

as for asking him to repeat himself, don't. my wife has a habit of trying to talk to me from another room, with the TV and me running water in the sink. i used to ask her to repeat herself and she'd get pissed. finally i stopped. yes, i know she said something but if i couldn't make it out, i act like i didn't hear her and SHE makes the adjustment to be heard (talks louder, comes in from the other room or waits for a quieter setting).


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think he's going to come with me to the hospital on Monday morning for more tests. At least he can hear the doctor's opinion himself, rather than through me. I hope that will help.

I would love to see a specialist. However the doctors said that I'd probably have to go to the US or Germany and we can't afford that. I do try to be responsible but traveling internationally is out of the question for us. I have good doctors here but since I've had this since I was 8 anyway, well, I'm not expecting a miracle.

Enchantment, you're right that for now, the best relief comes from being really busy outdoors. I spent the morning at the farmers' market and didn't notice it at all. But the lack of sleep does make me short-tempered and I tend to be snappy more than usual - like permanent PMS. Dh has been sleeping on the couch because I can't fall asleep and I keep him up. I had a breakdown yesterday over the sleeping apart thing. Sorry this is so disjointed, my brain is pretty much mush at this point.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I am a tinnitus sufferer as well, have been for as long as I can remember. I have found that hydration levels play a big part in how bad it is.

The only other relief I get is listening to music, not too loud, or you will be twice as bad the following day, just decent volume background noise.

I also tend to watch people speak, kinda like a pseudo lip reading, off-putting for some, as it comes across as an intensely friendly body language, even if I am dealing with them professionally.

Pisses me off when I get a hearing test and they tell me that I have a slight hearing loss in xx range. Sorry dude, but I haven't lost it. I hear it all the time!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

and there are hearing aids that are designed to work against tinnitus.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Mine went away after I got hearing aids which I need since I was losing my hearing. Mime was self induced. Gun shots, load music, car without exhaust. Only if in my youth I would have thought what that was doing to my hearing


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I have always had this. I still get ear infections, but as a child I got them all the time. I think mines hereditary, my father has it also. I never thought of ear infections causing this.

I use to keep busy, but since I broke my neck I have a lot more resting time. I'm unable to do much in a 24 hr period. I try to ignore it by reading. It's highly annoying, but at least it doesn't cause any pain like my neck does. 

There is no cure, but there is no way I would take strong anti anxiety medication for it either. I'm sure everyone has their certain level of tinnitus. Mine will drown out sound as well. For some reason, some days are worse then others. I also need to get my ears cleaned out by the doctor. I have wax build up that I'm sure doesn't help. 

I just do whatever it takes to drown out the noise. Try and stay positive. It might calm down a bit also. It can take up to a year or two for nerves to regenerate.

My husband has stood by my side for any health reason. I've had 3 major health issues since our marriage. 2 which ended up in surgery, the other was a 5 night stay in the hospital 3 months ago for an infection. Once I broke my neck, I never recovered. I have severe pain. I went from running 36 miles a week to barely walking. My husband has proved himself over and over being by my side. My whole life was turned upside down and it was up to me to make the best out of it. That is what I try to do and stay positive as much as humanly possible. 

Good luck. I hope you can convince your husband to be patient and talk a little louder. If the ringing is out of hand, find a speciality doctor if your family doctor does not help you.

If you really can't hear someone, ask them to write it down. Keep a notepad and pen handy.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I have always had this. I still get ear infections, but as a child I got them all the time. I think mines hereditary, my father has it also. I never thought of ear infections causing this.
> 
> I use to keep busy, but since I broke my neck I have a lot more resting time. I'm unable to do much in a 24 hr period. I try to ignore it by reading. It's highly annoying, but at least it doesn't cause any pain like my neck does.
> 
> ...


Not trying to sidetrack a thread but have you ever tried the ear wax candle? It's awesome and you can use it at home yourself. Even fir people who don't get buildup it feels like you can hear again for the first time. It's awesome


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Where I live it's customary for the ENT doctor to clean your ears whenever he sees you so I've had my ears professionally cleaned a few times just in the past months. Unfortunately it seems it's not so much of an ear problem as a brain problem though. 

We went to the doctor together and they did hearing tests and found that I actually have hearing loss which I was not expecting (I think I can hear too well - including the tinnitus) but unfortunately the doctor didn't really have time to discuss the details with us so I don't think DH learned much from the visit. I usually know what he's saying because we know each other so well but it's frustrating being around other people because I usually won't know what they're going to say. Unfortunately I live in a foreign country so I am speaking a foreign language all the time which means that hearing well is important - imagine being hard of hearing at home, then how much harder when everyone is speaking a foreign language!

Anyway I think he is starting to get 'bored' with my condition so I don't hear as many platitudes as long as I don't complain. I think the secret to this is just to keep my mouth shut about it. Right now my biggest 'annoyance' is that he will randomly ask me if it's as bad and when I say 'yes' he acts surprised and disappointed. The surprise is what gets me. I have explained so many times that it is permanent. I know this is MY issue and I have to accept it but somehow the whole "omg are you serious - it's STILL there?" is just so frustrating to hear.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi omega ~

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your H as to why he doesn't think, or seems unwilling to accept, that it is a permanent condition.

Is he worried about it? Is he a worrier in general? If he's worried about it, what's he fearful of?

Is he a forgetful person? Or is it just this issue that he keeps bringing up and asking about?

Best wishes.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi omega ~
> 
> Maybe you need to have a conversation with your H as to why he doesn't think, or seems unwilling to accept, that it is a permanent condition.
> 
> ...


He's not a worrier at all, in fact he's very laid back in general. I don't think he's worried about anything but I think that since he doesn't like to see me in pain / suffering, he can't accept that it's permanent or that he can't 'fix it'. He himself has a permanent injury from when he was in the army and I asked him how he 'accepted' that it was permanent and he said it was very easy for him to do so and he didn't feel depressed about it, and dealt with it very matter-of-factly. Which is what I'm asking him to do with me , but he can't. He's not forgetful - I think he just honestly can't accept it and is genuinely surprised that it's not 'going away.'


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I am convinced that others are put in our life in order to teach us things that we need to be taught. I know that my kids have been put in my life in order to teach me patience for one - something I am horrible at, but learning about everyday. 

When your husband keeps approaching you and asks "Are you better?", simply be patient (hard I KNOW!), state "Sweetheart, I appreciate your concern. I wish my condition weren't permanent, but it is, but today I am doing fine."

Perhaps he wants nothing more than a reassurance you are really doing okay - especially if you have been down about it.

Living with a chronic condition is no fun. I know about that because I also have one. There are many good books on that subject to read - and if you feel yourself spiralling downward into a black funk, then reach out to someone - reach out to your husband, family, friends, doctor. Go for a walk, keep yourself active, meditate on the good things in your life.

Best wishes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I was the same way with my wife's MS

I figured if I treated it non-chalantly and with hopeful statements about future medicine that she would as well and she would be calmer and more at peace with it. I figured if I was "strong" for her she would feel better about it.


learned the hard way it was the completely wrong way for me to treat it and that being "strong" doesn't mean to ignore it or downplay it


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I figured if I treated it non-chalantly and with hopeful statements about future medicine that she would as well and she would be calmer and more at peace with it.


My H gave me the 'you're only 30, I'm sure they'll find a cure eventually' line too. I adore him but that made me see red. I don't know if he's figured out not to say that again, though. Since I of course hope that a cure IS found, obviously I can't 'complain,' but it is a really, really crappy thing to have someone tell you. I suppose I could turn it around on him the next time he complains of pain from his army injury and say 'I'm sure they'll find a cure for that someday' even though it's extremely obvious that it's not the sort of thing that can be 'cured.'

I do understand that it's very hard to know what to say when someone is going through something crappy.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

"I'm so sorry that this happened and I'll be here for you no matter what," 


Tell him this is exactly what you need to hear from him.

Don't accept "there's nothing we can do" from a doctor. There are new treatments and a lot of doctors don't know about them.

Have you tried herbals?

Tinnitus s*cks; I have it.


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## lovescholar (Mar 26, 2012)

Check out my post on Tinnitus on Omega's thread it is likely to help. Your absolutely right there are natural remedies that can remedya problem rather than mask a symptom, that the Doctor's don't know about.


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## BearMoose22 (Apr 13, 2012)

My hub does same thing, dif health prob but he does it cause he wants to be there for me, wants to fix it, wants to be my hero but all he can do is try to be positive. It's hard being the one watching the person you love suffering. I know it drives you a litttle crazy, I've been there...but I'm sure he means well.and maybe feels a little a loss as to what to do or say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hi Omega, I can sort of relate. After I fell and hit my head last summer I had really bad tinnitus for a few months. Couple that with other symptoms and I really thought I was going to go insane.

My husband had the sort of attitude that he wished I would go back to how I was previously and of course I wanted that too but there were times when I was afraid that wouldn't be possible.

I'm back to about 90% and still have some issues. My husband told me afterwards that he felt helpless and wished there was something he could do but hated that there wasn't. Is it possible your husband struggles with this too? I misinterpreted his behavior as distant and uncaring.

For your own health I'd look into treatment. I know they say there's no cure but there are absolutely things you should get done because there may be treatment you don't know about. 

I found this during a quick search:

Some otolaryngologists (ear specialists) have recommended niacin to treat tinnitus. However, there is no scientific evidence to suggest that niacin helps reduce tinnitus, and it may cause problems with skin flushing.

The drug gabapentin (Neurontin, Gabarone), was studied in high doses, and reduced the annoyance level of the tinnitus in some patients, but did not decrease the volume of the noise, and was not found to be better than placebo.

A 2005 study in Brazil using acamprosate (Campral), a drug used to treat alcoholism, showed a nearly 87% rate of relief of symptoms. Studies of this drug for treatment of tinnitus are currently ongoing in the United States.

Either way, I'm sorry you're having to deal with it and am wishing you the best!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

BearMoose22 said:


> My hub does same thing, dif health prob but he does it cause he wants to be there for me, wants to fix it, wants to be my hero but all he can do is try to be positive. It's hard being the one watching the person you love suffering. I know it drives you a litttle crazy, I've been there...but I'm sure he means well.and maybe feels a little a loss as to what to do or say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know he hates to see me suffer and that's the reason behind it. We're working on it. 



Trenton said:


> Hi Omega, I can sort of relate. After I fell and hit my head last summer I had really bad tinnitus for a few months. Couple that with other symptoms and I really thought I was going to go insane.
> 
> My husband had the sort of attitude that he wished I would go back to how I was previously and of course I wanted that too but there were times when I was afraid that wouldn't be possible.
> 
> ...


I know that the reason he acts the way he does is that he wishes he could fix it and can't. You are exactly right. Well, since I last posted, I had an appointment about maybe getting a hearing aid (they make certain hearing aids that can help tinnitus) and my H was in the room when the doctor told me that "your kind of tinnitus cannot be helped by the tinnitus hearing aids. I can order one for you if you want but I am 99% sure it will be a waste of money and do nothing for you." I was very unhappy about that (started crying in front of the doctor...) but "glad" that H got to hear that from a doctor, rather than from me.

The doctor said that I could look into pharmaceutical treatments (probably the ones you mentioned but since it's not his specialty he didn't go into details), so we have to try to find a doctor who deals with this from a pharmaceutical angle which will be hard but hopefully not impossible. At least H has "something to do" now.

It was very strange... we were meeting friends for coffee immediately after the appointment (we had to travel for the appt) - I was in tears as we walked out but made the decision not to ruin the coffee date, and just forced myself to pretend that everything is okay. It worked. I'm getting much better at it. I just pretend that I'm okay, and everyone buys it 100%, including H. I've stopped complaining about it, he's stopped asking, and I'm 'coping' on my own as best I can. Still I do sometimes worry that I will end up living in a psychiatric institution!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> I am a tinnitus sufferer as well, have been for as long as I can remember. I have found that hydration levels play a big part in how bad it is.
> 
> The only other relief I get is listening to music, not too loud, or you will be twice as bad the following day, just decent volume background noise.
> 
> ...


Yes, it’s a lot to do with blood circulation in the brain (or lack of it) and I think that’s why good hydration helps. Loads of people have no idea just how dehydrated they are even though they permanently suffer from flu like symptoms.

Plus it’s best to stay away from any foods or drinks that reduces circulation in the brain. For example caffeine actually causes the minute blood vessels in the brain to contract and hence the headaches caused by caffeine withdrawal symptoms when the vessels expand again. So cut out all drinks and food with caffeine in them, coffee etc.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

omega said:


> I know he hates to see me suffer and that's the reason behind it. We're working on it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I just read your last post! Yuk! Coffee!


They dish it out these days in HUGE mugs. Even the small is MASSIVE. One mate in England when visiting there ordered two coffees that came in SOUP BOWLS with two handles on each side.


CAFFEINE is a TOXIN. It is a POISON! It does havoc with your circulation and it’s stored in your organs! It takes quite a time of abstinence to flush it all out.

And in these days it’s drank in MASSIVE quantities. I’ve one friend who drinks THREE LITRES A DAY of VERY STRONG coffee. I kid you not, she drinks three litres a day of strong coffee and she’s on meds for bipolar disorder!!!!! Coffee in that quantity, in that strength taken every single day seriously messes with the mind and body!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

heh. I haven't had coffee since 2008. I have a cardiac sensitivity to it and NEVER go near it. A "coffee date" is a figure of speech. It means that a group of friends go to a cafe and hang out for a few hours talking. I had herbal tea.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Yes, it’s a lot to do with blood circulation in the brain (or lack of it) and I think that’s why good hydration helps. Loads of people have no idea just how dehydrated they are even though they permanently suffer from flu like symptoms.
> 
> Plus it’s best to stay away from any foods or drinks that reduces circulation in the brain. For example caffeine actually causes the minute blood vessels in the brain to contract and hence the headaches caused by caffeine withdrawal symptoms when the vessels expand again. So cut out all drinks and food with caffeine in them, coffee etc.


I'm going to try to stay hydrated better - so even though I NEVER touch caffeine or alcohol, and haven't for years, because of other minor health issues (they make my heart do funky things), I still could be drinking more WATER. (I actually love to drink really cold water, so in the winter I am not as hydrated as I should be, whereas in the summer I am practically floating.)


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