# Husband being secretive and may be having emotional affair



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

My hubby of 7 years met a woman at a work conference out of town a month ago and hasn't been the same since. He says he felt important and valued by the women he met, including her. She is easy to talk to, he says. He talked about her a lot when he got home after being away for a week and then she was his new Facebook friend. He spoke very highly of her and I had a bad feeling. I checked his cell phone and sure enough, there was a pic of her and ongoing text messages. He complained about his wife and child to her. When I asked him about it, he denied it, so I had to tell him what I found in his phone. A week has passed and he has removed her as a friend, says he texted her a message saying to not continue a personal friendship outside of work, has changed the password on his phone and been hiding it! We have now had 3 separate conversations about it and each time, he refuses to admit his part and that includes lying to me. He always speaks very highly of her and hasn't talked about me like that in a long time. He is being super secretive, defensive and will not show me the message he sent to her, confirm whether or not they are still chatting and believes he needs privacy all of a sudden. We do not share email and his phone is supplied by work. He's mad at me for calling him on it and if I didn't check his phone, I wouldn't have found out! He says he's not doing anything wrong and questions me for checking his phone. He is not being forthcoming with the information and says I should just move on, cuz he "dealt with it"... he has not validated my feelings or provided me with the reassurance to move on. All I'm getting is excuses. Now he says he'd rather leave me than argue... I think he met someone that he is reaching out to... things aren't adding up... if it's over and he has nothing to hide, why the secrecy? I think he is having an emotional affair and has turned outside our marriage for someone to lean on...

He's not talking to me know and I want to save our marriage! How do I get him to hear me out and fix this?

Any feedback/comments/suggestions would be appreciated!


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Have you been providing for your husbands needs? If you are then you're husband is an idiot and deserves whatever is coming to him. The big clue I'm seeing here is that he told you about her. That's almost like a flag that he want's you to be jealous. That something is wrong or that he's need getting what he needs from you. Or why would he even tell you?. It's really not secretive at all is it? 

The reason I ask is I am doing the emotional affair thing right now to an old high school girlfriend I found out is divorced. 
My wife shows no respect and just uses me as she pleases... so what's the big deal? I've lived in a sexless marriage for years. She shouldn't care if someone else finds me attractive. Somebody else is doing it for her. She should be glad. 
I mean how hard is it for my wife to give a little affection once in a while, to show appreciation to me for all that I do for her? is it really that hard?
My wife couldn't give a two hoots about my needs and basically ignores me and treats me like a room mate and thinks a sexless marriage is fine as long as she's getting her needs met and the jobs on the honey do list are done. Bull crap.

Emotional affair is really not that big of deal in my case. It's a given. There's no adultery going on and I haven't seen her in years even though her pics are stunning. She's there for me and my wife isn't. It sure feels good to have an attractive female flirt with you and let you know you're still attractive and valued as a man. It's what my wife should be doing.

A couple of years ago I didn't even want to look at another woman. But as soon as I found out my wife lost her respect and love for me I had to force myself to fall out of love with her. I'd gladly stop the EA if my wife showed me for even one second that she gave a crap about her marriage. There's an emotional void now and I'm getting it filled elsewhere and it feels good. If she were to step up and act like a wife then I'd boot my old girlfriend. But she's not so I won't.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

aquajay said:


> My hubby of 7 years met a woman at a work conference out of town a month ago and hasn't been the same since. He says he felt important and valued by the women he met, including her. She is easy to talk to, he says. He talked about her a lot when he got home after being away for a week and then she was his new Facebook friend. He spoke very highly of her and I had a bad feeling. I checked his cell phone and sure enough, there was a pic of her and ongoing text messages. He complained about his wife and child to her. When I asked him about it, he denied it, so I had to tell him what I found in his phone. A week has passed and he has removed her as a friend, says he texted her a message saying to not continue a personal friendship outside of work, has changed the password on his phone and been hiding it! We have now had 3 separate conversations about it and each time, he refuses to admit his part and that includes lying to me. He always speaks very highly of her and hasn't talked about me like that in a long time. He is being super secretive, defensive and will not show me the message he sent to her, confirm whether or not they are still chatting and believes he needs privacy all of a sudden. We do not share email and his phone is supplied by work. He's mad at me for calling him on it and if I didn't check his phone, I wouldn't have found out! He says he's not doing anything wrong and questions me for checking his phone. He is not being forthcoming with the information and says I should just move on, cuz he "dealt with it"... he has not validated my feelings or provided me with the reassurance to move on. All I'm getting is excuses. Now he says he'd rather leave me than argue... I think he met someone that he is reaching out to... things aren't adding up... if it's over and he has nothing to hide, why the secrecy? I think he is having an emotional affair and has turned outside our marriage for someone to lean on...
> 
> He's not talking to me know and I want to save our marriage! How do I get him to hear me out and fix this?
> 
> Any feedback/comments/suggestions would be appreciated!


You need to go to marriage counseling. It's very dangerous and it can later lead to a full blown affair. Read about it here. 



uncool said:


> Have you been providing for your husbands needs? If you are then you're husband is an idiot and deserves whatever is coming to him. The big clue I'm seeing here is that he told you about her. That's almost like a flag that he want's you to be jealous. Or why would he even tell you. It's really not secretive at all is it?
> 
> The reason I ask is I am doing the emotional affair thing right now to an old high school girlfriend I found out is divorced.
> My wife shows no respect and just uses me as she pleases... so what's the big deal? I've lived in a sexless marriage for years. She shouldn't care if someone else finds me attractive. Somebody else is doing it for her. She should be glad.
> ...


It's no wonder your wife is holding back on you. Your attitude sucks. You have chosen to have an emotional affair instead of working on your marriage. It's not a good idea. 


I just found out today that my BIL was doing this very thing. Guess what, he and his wife are getting a divorce after 18 years of marriage. She is very upset. He just wants out to go play with an ex girlfriend who just got divorced. He was pouring his heart out to her about his problems. I guess he fell for it. It's a real shame too, because he has a beautiful wife who does love him, but they don't see eye to eye on a few things.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Uncool you are a coward.

And OP,

You need to start working on yourself, making sure you are the best person you can be, so you feel good about your self.

I think your husband is definitely having an affair, he is having an EA and maybe allready had a PA.

Do you know much about this woman? Is she married? If she is married see if you can contact her husband and let him know what you know, and message her too.

As for your husband, let him know that you are not sure you want to be with him, because he is being untrustworthy. Tell him you need marriage counseling and full transparency on emails and phones etc, and full disclosure about what has happened between you, and then you will make up your mind if you want to stay.

Even if you have not been the best wife, that is something you can change and deal with in marriage counseling, however he needs to own his decision to cheat, that's on him. He's chosen to do the dishonourable thing rather than work on the marriage with you.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Its called a EMOTIONAL AFFAIR for a reason. There is no 3rd person in a marriage. If your unhappy then work out the issues with your spouse or DIVORCE and move on. 

To say a EA is no big deal is a BullS#$t justification to cheat. Your as just as bad as those who have a PHYSICAL AFFAIR. EA's have destroyed marriages by themselves AND eventually led to PA's if allowed to continue. 

As you can see how uncool's self entitlement is displayed in his post, you have to act fast to prevent your husband from also turning into an @@@@@$$.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Aquajay,

Sorry.
Your husband has no respect for your feelings. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage.

He wants you to rugsweep his affair.

Dont allow this. He must have consequences for his behaviour.

Now, dont beg. Dont. Stay strong. Even if you are emotionally, financially dependent on him.

Start focussing on yourself. As littledear said, you are unique, created by God to be happy. Not to suffer. So refuse to be unhappy. His affair is his. You are not to blame for it.

Okay? Stay strong.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Hiding phone, demanding privacy, name dropping, all typical and major signs of a EA. the train is on the tracks.

Start your homework and get busy derailing this and get prepared in the best way you can, the ride gets bumpy for a bit.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Aquajay. It seems like something is clearly going on.. Everything you have pointed out are red flags. You have confronted your husband and he is STILL denying. He's clearly on the fog with this OW. Tell him that he needs to stop talking to her PERIOD. No FB no texts or anything. Tell him that is he choosing her over you and his child?! 

@ uncool: if she is not complying to her husbands "needs" it does NOT give him a reason to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Uncool you are a coward.


:iagree:

Also, way to come to a thread with freshly wounded spouse.
Incredible


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

uncool said:


> Have you been providing for your husbands needs? If you are then you're husband is an idiot and deserves whatever is coming to him. The big clue I'm seeing here is that he told you about her. That's almost like a flag that he want's you to be jealous. That something is wrong or that he's need getting what he needs from you. Or why would he even tell you?. It's really not secretive at all is it?
> 
> The reason I ask is I am doing the emotional affair thing right now to an old high school girlfriend I found out is divorced.
> My wife shows no respect and just uses me as she pleases... so what's the big deal? I've lived in a sexless marriage for years. She shouldn't care if someone else finds me attractive. Somebody else is doing it for her. She should be glad.
> ...


This isnt your thread...but you need to divorce your wife!!  Sheesh, what a disgusting post...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aquajay said:


> He's not talking to me know and I want to save our marriage! How do I get him to hear me out and fix this?
> 
> Any feedback/comments/suggestions would be appreciated!


You tell him you are divorcing him if this doesnt stop. Period. It doesnt mean you have to go through with it if things turn around, but you need to be willing to take that step, because he isnt going to listen to anything else at this point.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

aquajay said:


> Now he says he'd rather leave me than argue...


Tell him that can be arranged. He is threatening you in order to shut you up. Your instincts have been right so far, trust them. Sometimes you have to be willing to leave the marriage in order to save it. I think you would benefit from doing the 180.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Link to the 180

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Link to the 180

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

d4life said:


> It's no wonder your wife is holding back on you. Your attitude sucks. You have chosen to have an emotional affair instead of working on your marriage. It's not a good idea.


no she's not holding back because of an attitude that you think I have. Nope my attitude around her is just fine thank you very much. Some of you ladies assume way to much. And no I haven't decided to not work on my marriage. There's only so much you can do when your wife has zero response to each and everything you try. If you don't take care of your man, someone else will. How hard is it to take care of your man?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

uncool said:


> no she's not holding back because of an attitude that you think I have. Nope my attitude around her is just fine thank you very much. Some of you ladies assume way to much. And no I haven't decided to not work on my marriage. There's only so much you can do when your wife has zero response to each and everything you try. If you don't take care of your man, someone else will. How hard is it to take care of your man?


Then you do the respectable thing and LEAVE HER!  I'm sure you are just an innocent little victim of the evil, selfish wife...

Sorry but you posting in this person's thread is really disrespectful.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

AlphaHalf said:


> If your unhappy then work out the issues with your spouse or DIVORCE and move on.


 I've been trying to ma'am. And yes divorce is the next step if my wife doesn't knock off her crap. 


AlphaHalf said:


> Your as just as bad as those who have a PHYSICAL AFFAIR


 I disagree 


AlphaHalf said:


> you have to act fast to prevent your husband from also turning into an @@@@@$$.


 agreed 


ubercoolpanda said:


> @ uncool: if she is not complying to her husbands "needs" it does NOT give him a reason to cheat.


 I disagree. not meeting his needs on a regular basis for a long long time COULD EASILY BE the reason he's emotionally communicating with a woman from work.


3Xnocharm said:


> This isnt your thread...but you need to divorce your wife!!  Sheesh, what a disgusting post...


 ok princess. This is your thread then? didn't think so. (I could easliy report you to the mods for that) Not being a proper wife to your husband is a form of cheating him in my eyes. I didn't accuse the OP of not meeting his needs. I'm just asking her because this is the number one reason why husbands have EA's and PA's


LanieB said:


> I am politely not typing what I'm actually thinking of you only because I'd get myself banned from the forum! Do your wife a favor and divorce her.


 i just may have to do that if continues her distant, uncommunicative, rotten attitude towards her husband.




LanieB said:


> As you will learn from reading all the posts on this site, you won't be able to reason nicely with your husband and get him to stop this A


 disagreed. The OP needs to find out whats going on with him. Try some marriage counseling or a deep down heart to heart chat or something. (unfortunately this is something my spouse refuses to do) The marriage could easily work out fine. The guy clearly want's his wife to know something isn't jiving or he wouldn't have told her!

-------------

ladies I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything. I think it's good to have the view of a man in an EA on this thread. You can be mad at me and I'm fine with it. Just trying to be a voice and opinion for the "other side" of this thing. I'm trying to give reason and clues and options besides "just divorce the jerk" attitude. By doing this the OP might be able to fix her marriage. 
He may have been hurting for a long time and had problems communicating to her about it. It sounds to me like he's firing a warning shot how he could divorce her if their marriage doesn't change (speculating of course) It doesn't sound like the OP wants a divorce. So lets give her more things to go on besides divorcing the guy.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You tell him you are divorcing him if this doesnt stop. Period. It doesnt mean you have to go through with it if things turn around, but you need to be willing to take that step, because he isnt going to listen to anything else at this point.


I feel that he has already threatened me, cuz he says I'm not listening to his lame excuse and unbelievable explanation. Isn't that just feeding the fire with fire?

I just plan on "treading water" until he decides to chat about it. If not, then I'll know where he stands and will make other arrangements. I have no idea how to kick him out? That's nearly impossible in our financial situation.

I can't help but to think that he's holding onto his "privacy" so tight and says he's not backing down. I just feel like that confirms he has something to hide. There's no way anyone would want to be divorced over "having privacy"... he mentioned he has texted his 2 best friends and doesn't feel I need to know what he's texted them about. My gut says it's about this other woman, again, exactly what he's hiding from me!

I dunno. Thanks everyone for your posts. Pleases let me know if you think of anything else. Also, if you have any more suggestions on ways I can approach him or this, or things to say or do I'd appreciate it!


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Then you do the respectable thing and LEAVE HER!  I'm sure you are just an innocent little victim of the evil, selfish wife...
> Sorry but you posting in this person's thread is really disrespectful.


 NO, YES, and NO. 
You're starting to jack this poor woman's thread. 
Who are you to tell posters they can't post in someone else's thread? No, I'm not going away.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

aquajay said:


> I feel that he has already threatened me, cuz he says I'm not listening to his lame excuse and unbelievable explanation. Isn't that just feeding the fire with fire?
> 
> I just plan on "treading water" until he decides to chat about it. If not, then I'll know where he stands and will make other arrangements. I have no idea how to kick him out? That's nearly impossible in our financial situation.
> 
> ...


It may sound like I'm only on your husbands side but I'm not.
Divorces are absolutely nasty and expensive and will adversely affect you more than you know. Be sure this is what you want first. If you could fix your marriage... wouldn't you want that? Assuming yes then my advice is to try a systematic approach. 
He first needs to know that you indeed are listening to him. (this doesn't mean you have to agree with him so don't let him try to say that)
I know money is tight. Does your church have free marriage counseling? talk to your church leader and I bet they'll hook you up. 
Don't just tread water and wait for him. After you secure the free marriage counseling then you set the appointment and invite him to come. This will force him to talk reasonably to you and will force him to listen to your feelings in front of a referee so to speak. I bet he'll do it or he'd have been gone by now and not told you anything about the other gal. If he declines the marriage counseling.... then that means he's a jerk and you should divorce him. That's how I'd do it. 
So yes don't just sit there and be a door mat waiting for him to ruin your marriage. Remember there's a reason he married you in the first place.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

aquajay said:


> My hubby of 7 years met a woman at a work conference out of town a month ago and hasn't been the same since. He says he felt important and valued by the women he met, including her. She is easy to talk to, he says. He talked about her a lot when he got home after being away for a week and then she was his new Facebook friend. He spoke very highly of her and I had a bad feeling. I checked his cell phone and sure enough, there was a pic of her and ongoing text messages. He complained about his wife and child to her. When I asked him about it, he denied it, so I had to tell him what I found in his phone. A week has passed and he has removed her as a friend, says he texted her a message saying to not continue a personal friendship outside of work, has changed the password on his phone and been hiding it! We have now had 3 separate conversations about it and each time, he refuses to admit his part and that includes lying to me. He always speaks very highly of her and hasn't talked about me like that in a long time. He is being super secretive, defensive and will not show me the message he sent to her, confirm whether or not they are still chatting and believes he needs privacy all of a sudden. We do not share email and his phone is supplied by work. He's mad at me for calling him on it and if I didn't check his phone, I wouldn't have found out! He says he's not doing anything wrong and questions me for checking his phone. He is not being forthcoming with the information and says I should just move on, cuz he "dealt with it"... he has not validated my feelings or provided me with the reassurance to move on. All I'm getting is excuses. Now he says he'd rather leave me than argue... I think he met someone that he is reaching out to... things aren't adding up... if it's over and he has nothing to hide, why the secrecy? I think he is having an emotional affair and has turned outside our marriage for someone to lean on...
> 
> He's not talking to me know and I want to save our marriage! How do I get him to hear me out and fix this?
> 
> Any feedback/comments/suggestions would be appreciated!


I used to exhibit some of this behavior of your husband and I can tell you it can be one of many things. It can be anything from unfulfilling sex to merely the lack of connection where he cannot be himself around you. It seems like it may be the latter. If you flip out easily when he just speaks his mind then he doesn't have peace of mind when at home with you. I can tell you that for most men the most important thing is _peace of mind_.

I've gone through this, so I know that it can be very comforting to get that temporary peace of mind from another woman where you might even be defensive of it. In short, yes, it is an emotional affair. If you can forgive him and develop the connection so that you both can talk like the best of friends then it will all be worth it....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aquajay said:


> I feel that he has already threatened me, cuz he says I'm not listening to his lame excuse and unbelievable explanation. Isn't that just feeding the fire with fire?
> 
> I just plan on "treading water" until he decides to chat about it. If not, then I'll know where he stands and will make other arrangements. I have no idea how to kick him out? That's nearly impossible in our financial situation.
> 
> ...


Its not his "privacy" he is protecting, he is protecting his affair. You probably need to go into spy mode, there are many posts on here that can help you with that part.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

And the cheater gives advice to the betrayed spouse while he betrays his own wife ...Yawn...you are evidence of a fogged-up foggy. 

My advice to poster is to revamp yourself and get some mystery back into your marriage. Remember the chick you used to be before marriage and recreate yourself, a new self image and start 'acting' like him. Put a password on your phone and hog it up. Ignore him in the nicest affectionate way when he comes to you. Lay on the lingerie and fragrances thick but dont let him touch you, fall asleep quick. Dress up to even go grocery shopping, ultra femme, high heels etc. Do the reverse psychology. Try it for two weeks beginning today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

So... while I was at work and he was at home with our sick toddler, he did his laundry and packed up a suitcase. 

He said he was going to the gym and would be a couple of hours. 4 hours later I called and he was at work. He has a laptop there he can access anytime and the office is right across the street from the gym. The call was disconnected due to lack of cell service in a concrete basement (office in parkade). When I asked him about it, he said he parked at work and nothing more. 

So, I know he was at the gym, then on the computer. This turned into a huge arguement, he said a whole bunch of stuff, I got really upset and couldn't control my emotions. He said he'd rather leave me than fight and he's going to go away for a few days. I sobbed and bawled for 2 hours. He stormed out of the bedroom and told me to shut up and went back to bed.

The following morning, I was up as usual and he left for work without saying a word. He took bedding, suitcase, gym bag, food, etc.

Then I got a text message a couple of hours later saying he took some money from our stash cuz he might need to buy food, etc. He'd like to talk in a couple of days. Might be at his friend's for a night or 2. Told me to see a counsellor, clear my head and be calm. He still loves me, but this status quo must change.

I have no idea where he is or what to expect. I just replied with an ok, thanks for letting me know message. It sounds like he has something to say? How should I respond? I know I need to hear him out, so how do I do that and communicate to him that I am hurting? He doesn't seem to be interested in hearing me out or want to know why I am upset. He's stuck on turning this back on me and hasn't acknowledged his part!

I am going to insist on couples counselling for sure and am going on my own now...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

aquajay said:


> So... while I was at work and he was at home with our sick toddler, he did his laundry and packed up a suitcase.
> 
> He said he was going to the gym and would be a couple of hours. 4 hours later I called and he was at work. He has a laptop there he can access anytime and the office is right across the street from the gym. The call was disconnected due to lack of cell service in a concrete basement (office in parkade). When I asked him about it, he said he parked at work and nothing more.
> 
> ...



Aquajay, before your husband met this woman at the conference, what was your marriage situation like ? Were you having communication problems prior to this, or did this all start after he met this woman ?


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

barbados said:


> Aquajay, before your husband met this woman at the conference, what was your marriage situation like ? Were you having communication problems prior to this, or did this all start after he met this woman ?


I would answer yes to both. We have both been working more than 1 job to make enough $ to pay the bills and to allow me to work p/t and be at home some of the time with our little one. So we have had limited time together. I am going back full time in a week...

After he got home, he was trembling when he hugged me and started welling up... said he's just sappy me and had to have a shower. It's not the first time we've been away from each other and it was only 5 days. Since he met her, he has been acting differently for sure and home a lot less. I started dressing up every day since, no matter what and acted happier. He saw me one day lookin' good and started to tear up again. He said he is tired and was going to shower. I feel like he's guilty, cuz he hasn't reacted to me that way before.

It feels like he is torn and he's the one that has chosen to leave...

Anyone think he will come clean and tell me what he's done? Or would he come home and just say he's done and he's moving out?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Sounds like a man between a rock and a hard place. He is torn between the pressure of both women. The quickest way to end this triangle is to remove a leg. 180 my friend. 

You can't force him to pick you and even if you could you would fear that his pull to her could revive itself at the first bumpy road you hit.

I know it sounds so cliche but this is the time to dig inward and find that strength to survive each option either the marriage ends, or you both decide to work throught this challenge.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Get a VAR and place it in the car and confront him with the evidence. Demand that he stop or you will leave. Go to marriage counseling.


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