# Smothering In Laws



## dubes12

Hello, I'm a 34 year old male and have been married since 2007. I have two daughters aged 4 and 9 months. My issue for quite some time now is that my in laws (whom my wife is very close with) are over at least 3-4 times a week. It's been this way for quite some time now and I feel I'm a 4th wheel in my relationship. My wife has no issue with this whatsoever as her relationship with her mother is abnormally close. My in laws are wonderful people and haven't really tried to manipulate or control our marriage like I hear a lot do... but the amount of time they spend at our home is insane. I just feel I don't really have any true autonomy or space to be with my own family. 

I've brought this up with my wife on several occasions What results is her getting upset with me as she feels that her mother is a fantastic person and their relationship is incredibly special. We end up fighting about it and nothing changes. I haven't approached my in laws on the issue because it would devastate them (especially my mother in law who is incredibly sensitive and clingy). The catch of it all is that I work for my father in law so I'm also scared that upsetting them can affect my job. I feel so trapped... any serious suggestions would be appreciated.


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## east2west

dubes12 said:


> Hello, I'm a 34 year old male and have been married since 2007. I have two daughters aged 4 and 9 months. My issue for quite some time now is that my in laws (whom my wife is very close with) are over at least 3-4 times a week. It's been this way for quite some time now and I feel I'm a 4th wheel in my relationship. My wife has no issue with this whatsoever as her relationship with her mother is abnormally close. My in laws are wonderful people and haven't really tried to manipulate or control our marriage like I hear a lot do... but the amount of time they spend at our home is insane. I just feel I don't really have any true autonomy or space to be with my own family.
> 
> I've brought this up with my wife on several occasions What results is her getting upset with me as she feels that her mother is a fantastic person and their relationship is incredibly special. We end up fighting about it and nothing changes. I haven't approached my in laws on the issue because it would devastate them (especially my mother in law who is incredibly sensitive and clingy). The catch of it all is that I work for my father in law so I'm also scared that upsetting them can affect my job. I feel so trapped... any serious suggestions would be appreciated.


You need your space, and you are not in the wrong for demanding it.

DEMAND IT. DO NOT BACK DOWN. 

Let wring her hands all she wants. I would not put up with having them at my house more than one night per week. As far as working for FIL is concerned, you need to stand up to him as well. Your employment agreement does not give your bosses family the right to occupy your home.


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## kate542

What you do to start is
Alter the course of the time/day of events, at the moment your in laws control the time with the agreement of your wife. 
When you know your in laws are coming you take the children out with you and keep doing this until your wife and the laws get the message. 
Also go out alone to the gym for a walk take up a hobby, just get out of the house, your wife will get the message that you are not going to put up with this invasion.
Try and find lots of interesting things to do and suggest to the laws that they might like to take the children out if they comment. 
This in turn will give you and your wife time together.
Just don't be in the house when they come, if you as a man cannot have privacy in your own home there is something very wrong and your wife has to come to terms with this. 
If she didn't want to leave mum and dad she shouldn't have got married.


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## Oldmatelot

I would also read 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310243149

Them have your wife read it. 
After she is done pass it into your inlaws.


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## dubes12

Thanks for the suggestions... the bottom line is I've been to passive in terms of my wants and needs in the relationship. I've done everything to make my wife happy and in doing so I've failed to bring my wants and needs to the table. She's gotten used to it and I've enabled it. Now that I'm fighting for my place in the relationship its causing a power struggle. Thank you for your suggestions they really are appreciated. It seems to come down to taking initiative it seems. I need to start drawing a line in the sand and expect further power struggles to be the norm for a while... its such a horrible spot to be in. I'm really not a fighter. Although, that is what has got things as bad as they are (being financially taken advantage of financially as well... I contribute 50 percent of the domestic side ie child raising and cleaning etc.. and 100 percent of the financial... my wife seems to find every excuse in the book to not want to pull her weight). Again, I accept responsibility for enabling it but it needs to stop or else this is not going to work. Basically, as long as she's ok THINGS are ok and that's just not right... so one sided.


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## SunnyT

Start walking around naked. Announce it at first so they have fair warning.


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## Bobby5000

My in-laws came around and I developed a close relationship with them. Plan activities with your wife. Talk about going somewhere, dinner, and having mom and dad watch the kids, instead of saying they come around too much. 

Realize some of the benefits. You may be able to go out on a Wednesday if she is with her parents whereas some wives might be upset. 

Do consider getting another job, so you don't have the feeling you are economically dependent upon them.


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## dubes12

Thanks for your suggestions Bobby, but those are things that my wife and I already do . I do have a close relationship with my in-laws and we do use them to "babysit" and spend alone time together. My issue is the overexposure of my family to them. With so much exposure my kids will (and are) seeing their grandparents as parents. Its too much. Are yours over 3 times a week minimum? It ends up confusing and blending roles in the family. I speak to those who don't see their parents or in laws very often at all. They still understand that balance is the key. Getting another job is an option, its just once things are flowing and finances and budgeting is set based on current circumstances upsetting that mix is more easily said than done.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Of course it's not 'easy', dubes12, but nothing ever is.

Do you want to work for your FIL, or do you want financial autonomy? You can't have both! Make a decision and go for it. Change your BUDGET (it's not engraved in stone, is it?) and do what you NEED to do for your family.

Have a talk one last time with your W about MORE nuclear family time and LESS extended family time. Tell her you are looking for her INPUT on this situation for the reasons you have clearly stated here.

If she can't agree to it, then tell your IN-LAWS YOURSELF that, although you love them and appreciate how supportive they are of you, YOU - AS THE FATHER OF YOUR FAMILY - have decided that your nuclear family needs more together time. Suggest that your in-laws choose WHICH *ONE* night of the week they would like to come over. Tell them, "Great! We'll have a big family dinner for the 6 of us and then enjoy the night together."

When that ONE NIGHT comes around, ENJOY it with them. At the end of the evening, tell them, "Thanks for coming! I really enjoyed this and I know wifey and the kids did, too! See you next (day of the week they chose.)"

Let this new way of life get settled in for a month or two, and then start REQUIRING MORE of your wife in pulling her own weight. If she has a PROBLEM with this, then feel free to schedule MC with her. Explain that YOU TWO are modelling appropriate behavior for YOUR children and you are sure she wants THEM to have healthy relationships as much as SHE wants one.


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## d4life

I have a different spin on it. Growing up, my grandparents (mothers parents) lived on the street behind us. My dad actually build their house. Anyway, my sister and I spend time there every single day. We adored my grandparents and I can tell you that those where some of the most wonderful times of my life. 

Looking back, my daddy could have easily put his foot down and limited our time with our grandparents but thank God he didn't. It really makes me appreciate what all he did for us. I will never forget it either.

I should add that I was also a daddy's girl. I would go hunting, fishing and I rode bikes with him. I also helped him in the yard and when he asked for help with anything I was there. I loved spending time with him. I did these things up until he passed away too so that bond was never threatened because I was close to my grandparents. If anything it made me appreciate him even more.

Back then my grandparents were not at our house that much. it was us that went to them. Is there anyway your wife could take the kids to them instead? Maybe have them pick the kids up from school or daycare a few days a week and bring them home later? This way they can see the kids without interfering with your home time. There are ways to make everyone happy without
upsetting anyone. I would avoid doing that if you can.

I honestly think children need to be close to their grandparents. If you get a chance, go see the movie Parental Guidance. It's so cute and I think you and your wife would love it!

Good luck to you.


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## thatbpguy

d4life said:


> I have a different spin on it. Growing up, my grandparents (mothers parents) lived on the street behind us. My dad actually build their house. Anyway, my sister and I spend time there every single day. We adored my grandparents and I can tell you that those where some of the most wonderful times of my life.
> 
> Looking back, my daddy could have easily put his foot down and limited our time with our grandparents but thank God he didn't. It really makes me appreciate what all he did for us. I will never forget it either.
> 
> I should add that I was also a daddy's girl. I would go hunting, fishing and I rode bikes with him. I also helped him in the yard and when he asked for help with anything I was there. I loved spending time with him. I did these things up until he passed away too so that bond was never threatened because I was close to my grandparents. If anything it made me appreciate him even more.
> 
> Back then my grandparents were not at our house that much. it was us that went to them. Is there anyway your wife could take the kids to them instead? Maybe have them pick the kids up from school or daycare a few days a week and bring them home later? This way they can see the kids without interfering with your home time. There are ways to make everyone happy without
> upsetting anyone. I would avoid doing that if you can.
> 
> I honestly think children need to be close to their grandparents. If you get a chance, go see the movie Parental Guidance. It's so cute and I think you and your wife would love it!
> 
> Good luck to you.


Incredibly great advice.


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## d4life

thatbpguy said:


> Incredibly great advice.


Thank you. It's funny because I have also been in the position that the OPs wife is so I understand what it's like to be an adult and going through it too with my own husband. You feel so torn so you have to make adjustments that work for everyone. Clearly that's what my daddy did years ago. It was a good example for me to live by. 

When my husband and I first got married he thought it was crazy that I had to talk to my mom and my grandmother each day because he spoke to his parents about once a week. Well, he soon found out that there was no breaking the bond that we have had for years so he just gave up, and now 23 years later he speaks to his family more. It's important. Family is all you truly have in this world. I would like to think that I helped him see that a little more clearly. 

We have lost love ones over the years too and as much as we would like time alone in the moment, one day you will look back and wish you had spent more time with them than you did. That's why I charish my childhood so much. I did have time with them and I have no regrets. It was a gift, and my parents made many sacrifices to do what was best for the whole family. After all, that's what love is all about. 

*OP*, don't fight your wife on this. It sounds like she is a very caring and loving person who is very close to her family, and I am hear to tell you that they will not budge on that. It will just build resentment towards you if you fight it. The best thing is to work together, peacefully  , to find a way to do this without making anyone feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. 

Remember this too, one day you will be a granddaddy and I am willing to bet money that your wife will want the two of you to have a relationship with those babies. . You really do need to go see Parental Guidance this weekend. I just saw it and it is perfect for this thread. It may even help you see how important this is to your kids too.


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## jcard

Wow, it's been 5 years since this thread was started. How have things been going? I *just* stumbled upon after searching for the same advice. This initial post looked like something I would be writing, almost verbatim.


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## EleGirl

@jcard

The original poster on this thread has not been on TAM for years.

Perhaps you could start your own thread talking about your issues, then people could give you input.

I am closing this thread since it's a zombie.


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