# Can't deal with his ambivalence



## me&my3 (Apr 30, 2009)

Hi all- I can use a some advice on my situation. Here it is in a nutshell:

Last month I discovered my husband was having an EA. It was with a woman 16 years younger at work. We were having many of the typical problems: three young children, financial pressure, feeling underappreciated, etc, and the two years or so have been pretty unhappy. It was also revealed that there were three other women that he had EA's with, the first that started in 2001, about a year after our first child was born (when I thought we were happy). I do believe that none of these EA's became physical, though the most recent one was really intense, and the emails I read seemed to indicate that it could have become physical had I not caught it early. 

We are now in couples therapy and are attempting to work this out. Here is my problem, though: I am having a great amount of difficulty dealing with his ambivalence with the marriage. Basically, when I confronted him about his EA, he declared that he thought the marriage was over, and he wanted to move out. He did end up staying, but only because he has 'doubts' about ending the marriage. He hasn't declared that he is truly committed to the marriage, however (though I would not want to say it unless he actually meant it!)

I know this is a situation I have no control over, maybe that is what gets to me. I think I can eventually deal with the fact that he had the EA's (and he has cut off all contact with these women), but I am frequently overcome by rage that he feels this way about the marriage. I feel like not only do I have to contend with the fact of affairs, but also with these small rejections as well.

The internet seems to be filled with advice about getting over being cheated on. Anyone had to deal with this sort of ambivalence by the cheater (and how did it turn out?) Any other pearls of wisdom are also greatly appreciated.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I read many stories of EA and cheating, and I never understand why people can't just fix the problem or leave. Just getting rid of the other women doesn't remove the ambivalence or whatever the cause or motivation of the affair. Sorry, I don't have any advice, as I am still trying to pinpoint what's wrong with my marriage that my hubsnad and I both seem to seek something extra outside the marriage.


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## me&my3 (Apr 30, 2009)

Thanks for your reply, Sensitive. I definitely agree with what you said about removing the other parties from the picture not solving the underlying problem. I have a close friend who went through a similar experience to mine with her husband. The major difference, though, is that when she found out, he did declare his commitment to wanting to save the marriage- he wanted it if she did. I feel like I don't even have that to hold on to. I'm definitely not sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind, but I think I'm more interested in salvaging the marriage than he is. It's hard to work on all this when I don't even feel that my husband is truly dedicated, like I don't have a true partner. I so often am not sure where he is coming from.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

My husband told me recently he was confused and wasn't sure he wanted our life, our marriage, etc. And it came out that he was still in communication with the woman he had cheated on me with. Basically what it came down to was he had to leave. He packed up some stuff and left. I wasn't going to be here, making meals, doing laundry, keeping the house, etc. while he wasn't sure if he wanted to be here or not. 

For him, leaving made him realize exactly what he had to lose. He realized he didn't like being alone again, he didn't want to be without his kids, his wife & best friend, his house, the partnership in our business, etc. It was a wake-up call for both of us- for him that he needed to put in the effort to save our marriage and for me that I was ok being alone, I COULD make it as a single mom and that I wasn't afraid to leave if he wasn't willing to give it his all. 

I'm not saying it's the best answer for everyone, but I wish I would have asked him to leave a LONG time ago instead of allowing him to stay in the house when he wasn't really sure and wasn't really giving our marriage or our family 100%.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I was in this very same situation. Last summer I confronted my husband with what I thought was an EA (turns out it was most definately a physical affair too so do not allow yourself to be naive) and he was ambivalent too. I thought I could save it. I asked him what made him unhappy. He proceeded to tell me very selfishly what it was (I asked so he should be truthful...I'll get back to this in a minute) I spent too much time working, I didn't give him enough attention, I didn't take care of myself like he took care of himself, I didn't have dinner ready. Honestly I was hearing this thinkign what an A****** so why did I want to save it? I felt he was going through a midlife crisis and would soon come to his senses, then he hit me with "I haven't been happy in awhile, I don't know if I want to save our marriage" (we had been together 23 years, we have 2 kids and this OW is an 18 year old little twit) it wasn't her but us..blah blah blah...I was in no way "not taking care of myself" but I did lack confidence...a few extra pounds after 2 c-sections I didn't wear a bikini anymore I became obsessed to the point that at work (I work from home and in office only 1-2 days per month) there is much conversation about what happened to her??? Because once I got going on the exercise, I bought some new clothes, got a new haircut and got some confidence (and have a great bikini for this summer!) but he continued to escalate the affair. I even said to him "can you, will you give her up for me?" he said yes but lied...I caught him, it was a physical affair, I kicked him out, changed the locks and told him Monday morning I'd figure out how long in this state it takes to get a divorce. Suddenly no ambivalence. 

I could not tolerate the ambivalence. If I had it to do over again, the minute he said "I am 50/50 about continuing this marriage" I'd say "well then I have good news for you, you no longer have to decide because I'm 100% positive I do not want to be married to you." I put up with his S*** for another 2 months as it destroyed me. My kids suffered during this time, very confused. He'd play stupid mind games...I'm getting worked up thinking about it. Thing was HE was in control. Your H thinks he is in control. Take back control tell him bye-bye. Serve him with an order to vacate, change the locks, do whatever. But do not tolerate his ambivalence. He's also a serial cheater. "I love him" is not enough reason to save this marriage. Does he love you? 

Let him go...if he really loves you he will come back. Then you lay down ground rules. But with his record, I'm not sure in your shoes, I'd give him a second chance.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

me&my3 - I'm in almost exactly your shoes. My husband swears its over and only wants to look forward. BUT I know - truly know - that if I said right now "gee, I don't think I'm going to get over this. I think we're over" he would run - very quickly to the door. He's said so. He's tried 4 times since I found out to say we should quit. He blames himself, says he can't fix it. Says he doesn't want it to end, but... He has made it abundantly clear to me that he is not interested in fighting to keep me. Yet here I am. still in shock. still wondering what the hell I'm doing here. I think I'm just going with the flow. Scared to test the waters of challenging his ambivalence - afraid he will go. I sound like an incredibly pathetic weakling - am actually the strongest person I know. This is a very confusing time. Its like, if I can be happy and forget everything he did and just move forward, then he/we'll be fine. I guess I'm floating a bit to just build my confidence. Truly decide what I want. And maybe in fact forget. Maybe be that damn Stepford wife after all. Somebody, please take my brain? Or help me wake up?


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## me&my3 (Apr 30, 2009)

Hi everybody- thanks for your responses.  I'm feeling better now- not so angry, and I'm working on diverting any angry energy (or other energy) on improving myself and getting my career back on track. Not for him, but for ME. I feel this strong need to get my ducks in a row, especially because I do feel that a separation is extremely likely. Our lease is up in September, and I think we may go our separate ways after that (unless he indicates a truly serious interest in winning me back, and even then who's to say what I'd do?). 

I did confront him about moving out now- he said he wants to stay now because he is "committed to the process", that is, he wants to continue with couples therapy and talking, etc. However, he is entirely unsure about his feelings about me and our marriage. Whatever. In in the meantime, I think I can be under the same roof with him, as we do have our three boys and our current finances could not support two households. Just trying to make this process as smooth as possible, and we usually can be civil, and can maintain a routine for the boys. But I am working on being financially independent hopefully by Sept., so money won't be a factor in any decisions I make.


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## me&my3 (Apr 30, 2009)

StillINshock- when did you find out? It sounds like you are still reeling from it all. I found out about six weeks ago, and just now I feel like I'm getting a little stronger, but I feel like there will be many steps backward. I just want to say though, that you are NOT a pathetic weakling, like you suggested in your post. I read somewhere (actually in multiple places) that discovering that your spouse is cheating on you is one of the most painful and stressful things a person can experience. The experience is even more worse for those who completely trusted their spouses (like I did). I hold on to that fact, not because I'm looking to wallow in my misery, but because I use it to remind myself that I am not overreacting. 

Are you seeing a therapist- do you have the resources to see one? In addition to our couples counselor, I see my own therapist. I work with her on my own issues alone, and my own healing process, though I can talk about my marriage issues as well.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I actually found out about 6 months ago. I have good days and bad. We were seeing a therapist together - and I did for awhile by myself as well. It was helpful. He wanted to stop the couples therapy - he's a disbeliever, and there's the financial piece, and he was also extremely stressed with work. Things there are cooling down work wise and I'm debating whether to bring up the topic again. At present things seem to be going well. His language about the mistakes he made, and his feelings for me now are encouraging. Thank you for your response. Best of luck to you. I'm glad to hear your confidence. Always better to know you can be independent, that way you'll know your final decision is NOT based on money.


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