# any hope? he just started therapy but...



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

After several months of financial stress and family and medical stress, my husband had some sort of break and announced that he was "not happy" and had not been for some time. This was five months ago. At the time, he seemed to be having some sort of depression or breakdown. He was hostile, irritable, not sleeping, pacing, drinking more, yelling, lashing out at me, hanging out with the guys constantly and texting them all day, yet all the while complaining bitterly about these same people and many things. 

Shortly after, all of his life complaints got focused on me and our relationship. At times we have had fighting cycles over the years and we have not dealt with some issues well and this led to hidden resentments. He now says he was not a particpant in these arguments, but a victim of them (verbal abuse when I yell; not verbal abuse when he yells). After months of seeming depressed, he has gone for individual therapy but still refuses couple's counseling. He accuses me of being controlling and manipulative. I moved out but we are trying to work on it. Now he accuses various coworkers and family members of being manipulative and controlling on the phone to me. It's like he has a type of focus on these issues. When we first met, he used to say his mother was snoopy and emotionally manipulative and invasive. He did not want me to ever tell her anything about him.

Is he depressed and not able to realize it? He had depression episodes in the past that required medication. Now he says those were the fault of our relationship (though he had two depressions that I know of) prior to our 10-year relationship. Any hope for this situation? I'm trying to assure him I'm addressing each and every of his complaints about my behavior and our unresolved issues and I am trying through therapy and books. This just seems to make him angry and more hostile. I do not mention depression but sometime say "the stress" because I don't want to inflame him. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. 


He chose to start individual counseling on his own because he felt miserable, but then suggested that it is not for him but to find out what is "wrong" with me. He told the counselor he is not depressed, and I do not know whether or not he admitted to being prescribed medication in the past.

I'm working on me and giving him space and not letting myself get drawn into confrontations, but I don't know what else to do if he won't go to couples therapy.

Any ideas?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

its hard to say because this is just your perspective, and how does one know that you really arent controlling? it could be that you are actually controlling and he really needs to get away from you. not saying that's the case, just one never knows. 

but assuming what you say is true, that you arent controlling and that he's gone daffy, then dont go back until he accepts responsibility for his behavior. if he keeps saying he's trying to figure out what's wrong with you, then he's not ready to change and you'll get more of the same. stay separated until he really changes. of course, that he's even willing to go to counseling is something. my H wont even do that.


----------



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Blanca,

Thanks for your honest reply. I have identified some controlling behaviors on my part (and behavior that's not controlling but just irritating to my husband, given who he is--so adjustments on my end will be necessary for those too). I'm working on these issues with a therapist and books. I've made headway over a number of months, but, more importantly, I understand and am willing to understand what remains to be worked on from my end communicationwise. 

I'm discouraged because many days I seem to be the only one. He seems literally stuck in anger and sadness and paralysis with no enthusiasm for life. I only see glimmers of change (trying not to yell is one) from my husband. He has also become very controlling. He insists on setting all timeframes and topics and types of outings with me. He does this with his family now too. Otherwise he has anxiety or anger attacks.

I agree that I should be more excited that he chose to go to therapy since many people don't, but I remain concerned that his stated focus is on me and his interpretations of my behavior and not on our communication problems or his current suffering at all. 

However, if he was actually working on his issues too and not just his interpretations of me, I would have more hope. I just don't know how long I'm willing to stay separated without totally breaking up hoping to be met a percentage of the way. I don't know what is a reasonable timeframe to hope for progress.


----------



## frightenedofmarriage (Dec 6, 2009)

My relationship is in a similar boat- only I'm the one that the wheels fell off.

Financial issues, work stress, expectations of others and events like funerals/weddings, key birthdays- I have had the lot and lost the plot about a month ago.

Your husband sounds depressed. Life has got out of control and from his perspective, is controlling him. If he's the kind of guy that likes to be proactive, this can feel extremely emasculating.

The more you may try to help or show you are upset, the more he feels helpless. Fear and anger are related to helplessness- and BAM, he lashes out. The more helpless he gets, the more he tries to control and when things as he sees it, slip out of his control... BAM. 

He has to get psychiatric help especially if he is blaming you for the lack of control in his world. I am concerned that you may not be safe. Make sure you know the Law around forced psychiatric treatment orders and have an escape plan and escape fund. Hide any weapons that could be used against you and if you can, remove alcohol from the house. Talk to your doctor about your situation and if you can afford one, a lawyer. Make sure that if the worst happens, you can deal.

Depression can cause psychotic episodes. Please be careful.

On the other side, if he does get the help he needs, he could 'come back', there is always hope if he can come to believe that it will work. It will be a very hard road and he has to want to stick to it. He would have to give up his sense of control and 
embrace helplessness and fear. The road may last the rest of his life and he will need the support of those who care. If you love him enough to walk with him, then that is a great thing.


----------



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

His therapy is going nowhere. By going nowhere I mean he is still very depressed, irritable, and slightly paranoid and not doing much about it. My therapist said that many men who finally go to therapy minimize when they get there, so it can take a long time for the therapist to know exactly what's going on. Guess we'll find out.


----------



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Also I think you may be right about the fear and anger and helplessness and lashing out thing. Thanks for sharing your point of view.


----------

