# Need to tell H it is def over this time



## wanda611 (Jun 12, 2013)

We have been together 15 years and married for 9. My H has been verbally abusive and had anger management problems since I met him. We had constant cycles of him exploding into what was verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Then he would apologize and cry for days and all would be well for a while. He was also an alcoholic. He actually didn't turn into what I consider an alcoholic until I was pregnant with our daughter. He was always a drinker but so was I. But once I got pregnant I stopped obviously and he got worse. I got tired of my daughter (who is now 7) seeing him drunk. We haven't had sex since my daughter was conceived. We "tried" once but he was on meds to help with his anger that made him unable to finish. He drank every night. He watched porn on the computer almost every night. I asked him at least 100's of times to please go get help, alone, together, whatever. I even got him to go to counseling twice and both times he walked out of the session (I have been in counseling for about 10 years). Anyway, fast forward to 2 summers ago. I pretty much emotionally checked out of the marriage. We had no marriage at this point. I did some things I am not proud of but at the time I guess I needed to do. Then that January I decided that's it. I told him I wanted a divorce. At first, all he did was fight me on it. He kept saying we could work on it. We went from being at each others throats to semi getting along. It was horrible. I finally went to a divorce attorney. I was on track for a divorce. At the end of March, he finally broke down and told me he would change. He stopped drinking and started counseling. I wanted a separation so we could spend some time apart and see how things went. We decided to share the house and rotate every 3 days. So he would be in the house for 3 days and I would be there for 3 days, etc. It kind of worked. We also agreed on marriage counseling. May came around we decided to give it a shot living together again. He was being OVERKILL. He was up my ass, did everything for me, acted like he was the best husband in the whole world. He had SO many fooled, but not me. The separation period was supposed to be so I could get some space and see if my feelings came back for him since at that point I was numb. Once we got back together he was just crowding me and making me crazy. He basically did all of the things a husband and father are supposed to do that he neglected for 6 years. But I guess I was used to the way things were. He tried to be affectionate with me but I just couldn't. He would get upset that I wasn't reciprocating his efforts. Finally in the beginning of August, the **** hit the fan. We had a HUGE fight, cops were called, it was bad. He knew at that point I was done. He moved out of the house. We worked out a child visitation plan for my daughter. I stayed at the house. During this time we had pretty much no contact unless it had to do with finances or our daughter. Around the holidays we started talking civilly again and he talked me into giving it one more shot. He moved back in January and we started seeing a different counselor. Things did not get better. My feelings were not coming back. I love him and always will as the father of my daughter but I am not in love with him. He crowds me, spies on me and gets mad that I won't give him any affection.

2 weeks ago I finally told him AGAIN that it is over. Now keep in mind that when he thinks it's over he goes crazy. Calling me every name in the book, harassing me by sending me crazy texts, threatening me that he will leave me with nothing, etc. It is so mentally exhausting that I get panic attacks while it is happening. Mostly because when he has my daughter (every other weekend and one night a week) the only contact I can have with her is our nightly phone calls. And I worry because they don't have the best relationship because of his anger problems and the fact that I raised her while he was drunk. Most of the time she wants nothing to do with him. So we both went to a counseling session this past Monday with my therapist and he ranted and raved at me and finally admitted he acts this way because he is hurt. He has many emotional problems and has been working on them (has been in therapy for over a year now). I already knew why he acts out but its no excuse for his behavior. So in that appointment I told him once again, I fell out of love with you, I want a divorce. Well all week he has been relentless, telling me "I still love you and I know you love me" "I will never let you go" "Don't you want to fight for our family" Yesterday was our anniversary and he sent me flowers. I keep telling him nothing has changed since Monday. I am trying not to be blunt because I don't want to push him over the edge. Tonight he wants to "talk" again so we are meeting at a local restaurant. He said there will be no yelling or anger. I am just so afraid that if I tell him bluntly that its over he will go nuts again. Also, we can't file for divorce for about 90 days due to another legal situation that is going on.

A few more things - he can't understand why now that he has made so many changes and is finally the man I always wanted I don't want him. First of all, I won't deny that he has come a long way. His anger when we are together and he thinks we are staying together is gone. He used to FREAK about little things like a mess in the kitchen, etc, he doesn't do that anymore. He never helped me in the house. He helps all the time now, makes dinner, cleans, he never helped with our daughter and he has become Mr. Dad with her. Some of the more evil things he has done is put the house up for sale without consulting me (he does this when he is mad at me) when he knows damn well my daughter and I have nowhere to live yet. The house is in his name only because he bought it before we were married but it was to be our "marital house" so my lawyer said not to worry. He tells me I should give him everything and be on my way because he worked for it all. I worked FT and took care of our daughter. He threatens not to pay me child support and doesn't care if he goes to jail. As for his drinking, he hasn't stopped but has cut way back. That is still not enough for me because he is an alcoholic. All of his/our counselors want him to stop completely but he wont.

I know this is the longest story ever and I don't even know what I am looking for except some advice I guess. I know I am done with the marriage but afraid he will make my life hell if I tell him that. Thanks if you made it this far.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why doesn't he believe you? Because your past actions have shown him that you can be manipulated, if he hits the right buttons. You've trained this response into him.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanda611 (Jun 12, 2013)

Yes, I let him manipulate me. Someone on another board described it that I am always in "damage limitation mode". I don't want to experience his wrath so I am always trying to find ways to calm him down. He scares me and makes it impossible to co-parent our daughter when he acts like that.


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## wanda611 (Jun 12, 2013)

Okay, I am going to ramble here a little. We met last week for dinner and he asked me if I meant what I said in my therapist's office last week...that I am not in love with him anymore and want a divorce. I told him yes, I meant what I said but since things are calm now let's take a few days to regroup before we make any final decisions. He told me that he NEEDS a woman in his life who will love him, be affectionate and intimate with him. I told him I understand but I can't give him those things right now. I went as far to tell him to go out and do what he needs to do. 

I am a little upset with myself for not sticking to my guns and making him think there was a chance but again, things were calm, I didn't want to rock the boat. He promised me that even if I was sure I wanted out there would be no more anger, which I don't believe. 

He is living back in the house and things are civil. We even went out for Father's Day with my daughter together. I actually don't mind spending time with him once in a while when it is the 3 of us. But beyond that, I am done.

I have asked him to come to my therapy appointment again tomorrow night and I plan to tell him again that I mean what I say. But why do I feel so bad? I have always felt "responsible" for him. It is a cycle I am having hard time breaking. Also, I hate, hate, hate the fact that I am breaking up my family. Like I said I don't mind spending time with him here and there and living with him as a roommate is fine. But I feel no affection towards him and do not want to be intimate. I have to let go but it is so hard....


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