# Help with future in-laws



## Lucylala (Dec 3, 2012)

Good morning all, I am glad I found this forum and look forward to hearing some words of wisdom. 
I guess in order to get the best advice / feedback I have to start from the beginning. My BF and I have been together almost 2 years and will be tying the knot next summer. We are both in out 30’s and would like to try for baby soon after the wedding. I have a son and he has two daughters, one with a disability. There are a few behavioral issues with the daughter with the disability but nothing we can’t handle. The biggest issue we are having is with my future in-laws. When we met they were all living with him and completely financially reliant upon him. Neither of his parents work, his sister has a good job but doesn’t feel the need or push to be independent and his brother just doesn’t seem to care much about growing up. They have all lived with him for about 6 years now which included the last 3 years of his first marriage. His first marriage crashed and burned hard and though his ex-wife stepped outside of the marriage, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that was caused by his family’s codependence. 
As the big day is moving closer I find that I am the one that has to initiate most of the “important” conversations that are needed before marriage. One of those issues was his family. I grew up in a very broken home and with the exception of my siblings, I don’t have any family that I can rely upon which has made me more independent than most and I’m grateful for that. He grew up with both parents and everyone is very close-knit which is something I admire. 
We “technically” live in two separate households but plan on moving in together this March when my lease is up. A few months ago while looking at properties his family came up in conversation. He told me we have to make sure we get a house large enough to accommodate everyone. Maybe I was being naïve but I assumed that when we move in together it would just be us. When he told me this I was honest and told him I have no desire or intentions of living with his family or anyone else for that matter. Between the two of us we have 3 kids, one with special needs and we have enough on our plate that we can’t add supporting and housing a group of adults to that list. I went as far as to tell him that if they are moving in, I’m not and that I will stay where I am, he didn’t like hearing that and said we’d figure something out. Well, his “compromise” wasn’t much of one; he suggested that we set aside $1000 a month for his family and his sister and brother can make up the rest. In my opinion this wasn’t a viable option either. We live in CA and the cost of living isn’t cheap and neither is supporting 3 kids. He became very upset and said I shoot down every option he gives me but the option of everyone paying their own bills was never brought up. Well March is approaching and I am becoming more and more reluctant about not just getting our own place but also about the marriage and kids. His mom is a very nice lady but also manipulates him and financially uses him. She takes his credit cards on a regular basis without his permission and racks up debt but doesn’t pay back on cent. His parents are in their late 50’s and early 60’s and have no health problems that prevent them from getting jobs. His mom hasn’t worked in a decade because she was “tired of working” and has since relied upon him and his father for everything. When the father dropped the ball my BF took all the responsibility and now supports both parents. Am I wrong for expecting a little bit of personal accountability from them? Is this a good enough reason to call off the marriage despite the relationship being almost perfect in every other aspect? I really just don’t know what to do. I love him dearly and have been the happiest ever with him but this is just unacceptable in my opinion...PLEASE HELP!!


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

A living situation like that would be unacceptable in my opinion too. Both situations he proposed were not something i'd be comfortable with at all if I were in your shoes


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Is there a cultural reason he is supporting his family? Are they totally financially dependent on him, or do they contribute something to their support?

I agree with you. Your household is full already with 3 children & plans to have more.

Yes of course, all of the adults should be self-supporting but you can't "make" those adults get a job or do anything really.

I guess you have to decide if giving them $1,000 per month is a dealbreaker for you.


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## Lucylala (Dec 3, 2012)

His family is Central American but everyone was born here. His sister has a really good job and makes a decent living but spends most of her money shopping and going out with friends. She's in her late 20's and is just enjoying life which I think is just fine as long as you partying doesn't mean I have to cover your bills. Of the total $2700 in hosehold costs that they have, his family contributes maybe $600 per month. The father does a series of side jobs when he needs spending money but none of that goes towards the household. The mom gets money from SSI and my BF pays her $500per month for babysitting, she also contrubites nothing to the household.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Lucylala said:


> His family is Central American but everyone was born here. His sister has a really good job and makes a decent living but spends most of her money shopping and going out with friends. She's in her late 20's and is just enjoying life which I think is just fine as long as you partying doesn't mean I have to cover your bills. Of the total $2700 in hosehold costs that they have, his family contributes maybe $600 per month. The father does a series of side jobs when he needs spending money but none of that goes towards the household. The mom gets money from SSI and my BF pays her $500per month for babysitting, she also contrubites nothing to the household.


Is that $500 a month for full-time childcare while he works?

So are you saying your BF pays $2,100 per month total?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I wouldn't marry him if it were me and definitely wouldn't move in with him either.

Trust your gut on this one.


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## Lucylala (Dec 3, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Is that $500 a month for full-time childcare while he works?
> 
> So are you saying your BF pays $2,100 per month total?


She only watches the youngest daughter while he is at work. When he's home he has her and we have her every weekend. 

Yes, he pays $2100 and that doesn't include the cost of food. They are supposed to pay the utilities and he is supposed to cover the rent but every month they give him an excuse as to why they can't pay.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Lucylala said:


> She only watches the youngest daughter while he is at work. When he's home he has her and we have her every weekend.
> 
> Yes, he pays $2100 and that doesn't include the cost of food. They are supposed to pay the utilities and he is supposed to cover the rent but every month they give him an excuse as to why they can't pay.


$500 per month for full-time childcare is very cheap.

Full-time childcare when I worked was $500 per week.

Regardless, you are right. He should not be supporting 4 adults.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Emerald said:


> $500 per month for full-time childcare is very cheap.
> 
> Full-time childcare when I worked was $500 per week.
> 
> Regardless, you are right. He should not be supporting 4 adults.


It depends on where you live. Mine child care provider is $90/week and comes well recommended.


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

I also REALLY hate to say this, because your husband sounds like the responsible, reliable one of his family. But it sounds like he's kinda putting your concerns last. I think it's admirable that he's so caring for this family, but that is a heck load of people. For anyone to be serious about a marriage, they have to recognize it as a partnership (at its simplest). The two of you should be able to discuss and compromise.

One thing to consider is that is a lot of pressure on one guy. Even with you, two people to hold up such a large group is a lot. Pressure and stress can do a lot to a relationship. It's great that he's a family man, but make sure h'es counting you as every bit a part of that family. I hate to say 'oh he should put you before his parents'.....but he should at least care about how you feel, you know? I think it sounds like a shaky situation, tbh...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Is this a good enough reason to call off the marriage despite the relationship being almost perfect in every other aspect?


You already KNOW it is! Look how disgusted you are with his LAZY and SELFISH adult family members...and you aren't even sharing a house with them YET...or paying their bills YET.

It ain't gonna get better. Run for the hills, OP, because this is a family dynamic that you are NEVER going to fit in with. Not only that, but what kind of upbringing will your children have? Will they grow up selfish and believing that "SOMEBODY ELSE" is supposed to pay their bills while THEY get to play around with their income and just have fun?

He may be a great guy, but this is NEVER gonna end well. Sorry!


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