# Should I stay or should I go?



## KJinsanity (Feb 20, 2017)

My husband and I have gone through so much. He was in the Army, active duty, and we were living 900 miles away from anyone we knew for 3 years. He had a temper and laid his hands on me 3 times while in the Army. He never helped with the kids or house work or let me go anywhere without him cuz he was always afraid I would cheat on him even though I had never given him any reason to think I would cheat. We came back home after his contract was up, he refused to get a job, laid his hands on me again one night because I had gone out to get a drink with one of my best friends since middle school (who is a woman, btw) for my birthday and I had finally had enough. I called the police and he went to jail for a night. He was put on probation and eventually we separated and started the divorce process. Here it is 8 months later and our divorce will be final on March 13th. Problem is, I still love him. He has a job making good money and hasn't missed but one day of work since he started the job. He takes good care of our daughter while he has her and has been going to anger management (it was court ordered, so not voluntarily). But he asks me all the time if I will take him back. I just don't know if I can trust him to keep his job, calm his temper, stop accusing me of cheating and to actually help me around the house or with the kids. We were best friends and husband and wife. I just can't handle all the bad with the good. Some of the things he did were just too bad to overlook...what should I do? Trust him and call this whole thing off, or just let it go since we've already come so far in the process?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There is an in-between option, in addition to the other two you've mentioned. You can pause the divorce process, but stay separated for now. He's made changes, but you're clearly not convinced these changes are permanent, and you need more proof before you're willing to give him another chance.

Most people don't change, but sometimes, given a good enough reason, sometimes they do. If you're not convinced that he's changed for good, then I wouldn't recommend that you trust him or take him back.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It could be that with a pending divorce, jail visit, anger management etc, he has finally woke up and grown up.
Maybe now he is ready to be a good husband. People do make mistakes, and many of them can and do change.

If you are still in love with him, and have witnessed the changes made, I think I would perhaps consider giving him another try.
The biggest question mark for me is him putting a hand on you. I don't think I could forgive that part, but I have never been in that situation. 

I agree with @FeministInPink a pause in the divorce is a good idea.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> It could be that with a pending divorce, jail visit, anger management etc, he has finally woke up and grown up.
> Maybe now he is ready to be a good husband. People do make mistakes, and many of them can and do change.
> 
> If you are still in love with him, and have witnessed the changes made, I think I would perhaps consider giving him another try.
> ...


I agree, this would be VERY hard for me to forgive... IF I could forgive it. I would always be wondering when he was going to do it again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sitting around on a daily basis and waiting for a volcano to habitually erupt is no future!

He's been given more than ample time to rehabilitate! Time to move on in search of a secure and happy future!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Don't do the same thing many abused wives do and take him back. A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Abusers never stop abusing. They are sweet and loving but as soon as they got you the first time something pisses them off they will revert back to their previous behavior. You have typical abusive mentality. See a professional. If you take him back you have part of the blame for what happens next, to not only you but your kids. My wife comes from a family with an abusive father. He put his wife and two sons in the hospital one night. My wife took her younger sister and hid with her girlfriend whose dad was a cop. He beat his kids and wife regularly and his wife stood by him making up excuses for his behavior. Finally she turned to drink to deal with it. As a result, my wife's two brothers died of overdoses before the age of 35, since they turned to drugs to blot out the memories and did not know how to treat women which scared away any love from a female. Her surviving brother is an alcoholic and her younger sister lived in foster care until she was 18. Both of her parents turned to booze and died before they were 65. Her mother had front teeth missing from when her husband knocked them out. 

If you take him back you are destroying your life and that of your kids. Haven't you read that children from abusive homes tend to abuse their wives and kids too? Love is a chemical reaction in your brain which may linger until you love someone else. Do not take him back, find a good man to marry and you will soon stop loving your husband and see your ex for what he is. Do not be stupid and think he can change. They do not change. He will revert to what he truly is. Plus when drunk or fighting with you, he will punish you for getting him locked up as well as any other reason he makes up to hit you. Best to get a restraining order and a gun if legally allowed to. Where I live there are several women hiding out from ex abusive husbands. They carry guns because their husbands have ignored restraining orders before and tried to hurt or harass them. You are talking about putting your arm into the mouth of a shark again simply because he does not look hungry now. He will get hungry again and you better not be around when he does.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

KJinsanity said:


> My husband and I have gone through so much. He was in the Army, active duty, and we were living 900 miles away from anyone we knew for 3 years. He had a temper and laid his hands on me 3 times while in the Army. He never helped with the kids or house work or let me go anywhere without him cuz he was always afraid I would cheat on him even though I had never given him any reason to think I would cheat. We came back home after his contract was up, he refused to get a job, laid his hands on me again one night because I had gone out to get a drink with one of my best friends since middle school (who is a woman, btw) for my birthday and I had finally had enough. I called the police and he went to jail for a night. He was put on probation and eventually we separated and started the divorce process. Here it is 8 months later and our divorce will be final on March 13th. Problem is, I still love him. He has a job making good money and hasn't missed but one day of work since he started the job. He takes good care of our daughter while he has her and has been going to anger management (it was court ordered, so not voluntarily). But he asks me all the time if I will take him back. I just don't know if I can trust him to keep his job, calm his temper, stop accusing me of cheating and to actually help me around the house or with the kids. We were best friends and husband and wife. I just can't handle all the bad with the good. Some of the things he did were just too bad to overlook...what should I do? Trust him and call this whole thing off, or just let it go since we've already come so far in the process?


So he laid his hands on you, once. You let him do it twice more. You finally got out of the situation and now you're thinking of going back because he's going to anger management classes that the courts are FORCING him to attend? What about helping with your kids classes, what about cleaning your own house classes, what about your wife is not your property classes, what about get a job because that's what adults do classes, is he taking these as well? 

What happens when he hits you again and you daughter sees? What happens if he starts hitting your daughter as well? Are you going to do like my mother did and put her to sit down and tell her you're sorry, that her daddy is not a bad person he just does bad things, that although she should love her father she should stay away from men like him? What happens when she starts dating and ends up falling for a man like her father because that's all she's known all her life? 

Are you really willing to risk placing your daughter in an abusive home, OP? My mother decided to stay with my abusive father because "she was too embarrassed to go back home" after running away to live with him. Four decades later and she's still being abused, her 6 children are still dealing with the trauma and recently one of her grandkids witnessed her getting hit effectively putting an end to all future visits from her grankids. Three generations of people affected by 1 woman's decision to stay. Is that really the kind of legacy you want to risk leaving behind? You think my mother's situation and most other abused women's stories didn't start out exactly like yours, with that one hit? 

Do not forget that you will be your daughter's role model OP. She will look up to you as the role model of a woman, a mother, a daughter and a sister. What kind of role model are you going to be?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

KJinsanity said:


> My husband and I have gone through so much. He was in the Army, active duty, and we were living 900 miles away from anyone we knew for 3 years. He had a temper and laid his hands on me 3 times while in the Army. He never helped with the kids or house work or let me go anywhere without him cuz he was always afraid I would cheat on him even though I had never given him any reason to think I would cheat. We came back home after his contract was up, he refused to get a job, laid his hands on me again one night because I had gone out to get a drink with one of my best friends since middle school (who is a woman, btw) for my birthday and I had finally had enough. I called the police and he went to jail for a night. He was put on probation and eventually we separated and started the divorce process. Here it is 8 months later and our divorce will be final on March 13th. Problem is, I still love him. He has a job making good money and hasn't missed but one day of work since he started the job. He takes good care of our daughter while he has her and has been going to anger management (it was court ordered, so not voluntarily). But he asks me all the time if I will take him back. I just don't know if I can trust him to keep his job, calm his temper, stop accusing me of cheating and to actually help me around the house or with the kids. We were best friends and husband and wife. I just can't handle all the bad with the good. Some of the things he did were just too bad to overlook...what should I do? Trust him and call this whole thing off, or just let it go since we've already come so far in the process?


As someone who grew up in an abusive home, my heart goes out to you. It's the worst possible environment to be in.

When he asks you about taking him back does he bring up any specifics of how he's improving and learning to channel/control his anger so it doesn't lead to destructive tendencies? Has he taken responsibility for the past transgressions and apologized? Does he acknowledge there is a problem that needs to be worked on?

If he answer is no to ANY of the above then I would advise you to move forward with the divorce and not look back. Hell, even if the answers yes to all of the above, if you don't 100% believe it or in any way would feel unsafe being around him again then divorce is the only option.

As others have stated, you can probably put the divorce on hold for a finite period of time and try to work on the marriage if you want to. Is he open to marriage counseling? Does he just want to come back home or is he willing to work on things while separated for a while before living together again?

Sorry you're here and certainly sorry this happened to you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

KJ, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been married for several years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



KJinsanity said:


> He had a temper and laid his hands on me 3 times while in the Army.


KJ, the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by a male adult is strongly associated with that adult having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. _ "Intense, inappropriate anger"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. 

If your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> He was always afraid I would cheat on him.


A key defining trait for BPD -- indeed, the first of 9 traits that are listed -- is a great fear of abandonment. Not surprisingly, this fear typically manifests itself in male BPDers as an irrational jealousy of other males (or even jealousy over the time you spend with friends or family members).



> KJ*insanity*.


If you really have been married to a BPDer for several years, _"insanity"_ is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is one reason therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> But he asks me all the time if I will take him back.


If your H really does exhibit strong BPD traits, he has such low self esteem that he will blame you for every misfortune and unhappiness. Yet, because a BPDer is emotionally unstable, he absolutely HATES to live alone. A BPDer therefore typically will burst out in rages against you while you're with him -- but he won't want you to leave him. This is why one of the two best-selling BPD books is titled, _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!_



> What should I do?


My advice, KJ, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young children are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can determine whether his BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to leave him, avoid running right into the arms of another man just like him. Being able to spot BPD red flags also may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to obtain a candid professional opinion from a psychologist. 

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, KJ.


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