# 4 months from D-Day...Xmas is hard



## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi all,

Its been about 4 months since I found out my wife of 20+ years had muliple affairs. (posted prior) We are both in individual and couples therapy now and I thought I had made some progress.

How to you all get through your first Xmas? It is so hard to muster up any motivation to buy her a gift...I will do so because of the kids....but I am finding myself very very emotional again...almost like I am backsliding into my misery.
Its hard to be positive right now.
Jet


----------



## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Get something generic from walmart. If you have to get her something. Like one of those cheap perfume sets or something lame.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hang in there Jet. Focus on your kids. Have you decided to R or D?


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I am separated from my WS, since March of this year. Full steam ahead on the D. But I didn't forget to send him a little something for XMAS.

A copy of "Not Just Friends".


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Do what your heart says.


----------



## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

I am in nearly same situation, 2 months past dday, 4 days ago she finally tells me they slept together twice.
Same feelings, how can I possibly get her nice, sweet things.
It comes down to this for me....
We are truly reconciling, I truly love her, its very hard but I am 
Focused in having something positive in our world.
Healing begins with positivity. Hard as hell for sure, but I am focused On feeding the right wolf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

Jet, I've had three Christmases post-marriage so far and it does get easier with time. Now is a really good time to invest in yourself. Don't put any thought into her gift - buy it on a whim or, better yet, let the kids pick it. 

But buy/give yourself something that you really want. Put a lot of thought and care into it. Don't just splurge on a retail impulse, but give yourself something that you will really, really love - that might even help you grow. 

My practice when battling those initial thoughts/times without my ex was to focus on me/think about me. It helped.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have just not been that 'into' Christmas since the whole thing happened, and this is my third since Dday. Each one does get easier - I remember the first year I felt far worse than last year, and this year again is better. The spirit is slowly coming back into the season. We're R'ing though. What are you doing?


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I just took my kids Xmas shopping for their cheating lying hoar of a mother last night. (we're in the middle of a highly contentious and hostile divorce)

We found gifts at the grocery store. It wasn't easy, but somehow I want her to have a happy Christmas.

2x4 anyone?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jet said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Its been about 4 months since I found out my wife of 20+ years had muliple affairs. (posted prior) We are both in individual and couples therapy now and I thought I had made some progress.
> 
> ...


Perhaps one of the consequences is that she does not get a gift this year. I don't see why the presence of the kids means you have to fake this.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

D Day July 2011. Last yeat I did not give her anything. We are in R now but It is still going to be low key. No grand gestures until we are out of MC and then we will see


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

The 1st Xmas after finding out my wife was serially cheating was hard on everyone in my family. My side pretty much was disgusted that I would even consider R. Our grown children refused to even acknowledge they even had a mother, my daughter refused to even speak to her and chastised me for not "throwing her under the bus". My wife was totally remorseful and working hard to amend for her years of cheating. I was pretty much just numb to life itself. I think "we" just went through the motions of Xmas. 

It's now soon to be 4 Xmas since DDAY. Everyone in my family has moved on, no one ever speaks of "it" anymore. It's like crazy grandma locked up in the room upstairs. I understand, that... if it doesn't directly touch me... "so what". Life move on, with or without you. 

Now hear a truth... Time does soften the blow, it's not like you haven't "processed" it to death, right? However, the BS... "you, me", will have the memories forever.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

RWB said:


> Jet,
> 
> The 1st Xmas after finding out my wife was serially cheating was hard on everyone in my family. My side pretty much was disgusted that I would even consider R. Our grown children refused to even acknowledge they even had a mother, my daughter refused to even speak to her and chastised me for not "throwing her under the bus". My wife was totally remorseful and working hard to amend for her years of cheating. I was pretty much just numb to life itself. I think "we" just went through the motions of Xmas.
> 
> ...


Yep, yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my last DDay, and I still hate this time of the year. I hate it, because I used to love the Christmas season, but it's screwed for me forever.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> I am in nearly same situation, 2 months past dday, 4 days ago she finally tells me they slept together twice.
> Same feelings, how can I possibly get her nice, sweet things.
> It comes down to this for me....
> We are truly reconciling, I truly love her, its very hard but I am
> ...



Wow...I remember your thread. Why don't you post this in your thread ??


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Jet: If you're trying to reconcile and rebuild a new relationship then I would get her a gift - maybe a small but a thoughtful one. Rebuilding means forgiveness and it's Christmas, a good time to forgive and build a new memory. It might hurt but if you're trying to rebuild then go with the season

OTOH, if you're not reconciling, then don't waste too much time. Just get a token gift something generic... Or nothing.

This is my first Christmas since separating. I have the kids and my STBxW is probably coming over for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve (our mediator suggested this vs the kids go over to her place for a few hours. The kids want her here.) I just bought her a meaningless token gift so her stocking isn't empty.


----------



## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Wow...I remember your thread. Why don't you post this in your thread ??


was going to update that thread soon. But trying to pay it back by offering help and perspective to others here ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Jet, how is it going with your wife? Does she express true regret, or only regret for getting caught?


----------



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Jet, I know what you mean, it's been 8 months since Dday here and I'm finding it very hard to buy something for my wife. I used to put so much care and effort into finding something just right her but this year I'm not even close to being there. I've told my my how I feel and for the sake of the kids she went and bought a couple of things that they could give her on Christmas morning.


----------



## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Hang in there Jet. Focus on your kids. Have you decided to R or D?


I have not decided. I decided not to decide for 1 year....It was advised by my personal therapist as well as the couples therapist.


----------



## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Summer4744 said:


> Jet, how is it going with your wife? Does she express true regret, or only regret for getting caught?


Summer....great question....how do you really know? She appears to show true regret.....That is why I am waiting a year. Take the pressure of me to figure out R or D....so I guess I am in temporary R...is that allowed?


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Jet said:


> Summer....great question....how do you really know? She appears to show true regret.....That is why I am waiting a year. Take the pressure of me to figure out R or D....so I guess I am in temporary R...is that allowed?


IMO, you need to be full bore into recovery if you truly want to give this marriage a shot. Half-assing it will only result in a guaranteed failed recovery and a wasted year of your life. If you're not all in on the attempt, then get out.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Jet buy a nice gift to honor the mother of your children. Yes, she is a cheating spouse, but concentrate on the positive through this holiday. By next year this will be figured out one way or another. Hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and a better New Year.


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Jet, unfortunately the fact that she cheated many times indicates that she only regrets being caught and would have loved to continue cheating on you even now if she could.

My view is that it is a mistake to wait a year because you will still be in the same position you are in now. Nothing will change. I would divorce and then if you choose to continue together you can continue.

Part of the problem is that if you ask her about regret she will say it was her worst mistake ever etc. But if you keep her as a wife will she ever truly regret her actions? She will have had her fun and still kept you as a husband. Deep down she will probably be gratefull she had her experiences and gratefull you didn't kick her out.

What kind of foundation is this to continue forward? If you divorce her the mentality will flip. She will understand there were real consequences and in order to keep you she will have to put in real work, not just sit there and keep the same thing going.

Good luck!


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

A year is a long time to wait, my friend. That's one year of stress put on yourself, for being in a suspended state of non-decision.

Get her one of those George Foreman electric burger grills.
Nothing says I love you like a good burger !!


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet said:


> Summer....great question....how do you really know? She appears to show true regret.....That is why I am waiting a year. Take the pressure of me to figure out R or D....so I guess I am in temporary R...is that allowed?


Jet,

I rode the fence for almost a year. We had been married 30 years at DDAY. She had been on/off serially cheating for the last 6 years of marriage. 

It's your call. Remember, there is no statute of limitations in regards to cheating. She screwed up big, the worst you can in a marriage. It your right to decide now, NOT HERS. My wife knows that my view of our marriage has changed forever and I could decide "I'm Done" at anytime, no reason given. 

You question... *so I guess I am in temporary R...is that allowed?*

The truth is every marriage that is in R from infidelity is possibly temporary. A bell once rung and never be un-rung.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Jet,

Be careful about thearpist. Not to decide for a year certainly in thier best interest. You need to do what is in your best interest. I would strongly advise you to talk to an attorney that handles only family law.


Anything is allowed but not everything is wise or in your best interest.

Get all views and make sure you have people looking out for you.

Do not let anyone give you only one point of view or one solution.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

The only important thing is that she gets you a good gift. 

You could get her a mediocre gift or no gift at all.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I just took my kids Xmas shopping for their cheating lying hoar of a mother last night. (we're in the middle of a highly contentious and hostile divorce)
> 
> We found gifts at the grocery store. It wasn't easy, but somehow I want her to have a happy Christmas.
> 
> 2x4 anyone?


Ugh. Gross. 

If you think think she's a wh0re, do not buy her a gift.

I do not want your wife to have a happy Xmas. I hope that she finds herself in the bathroom, crying and making her mascara run, realizing what a mess she has made.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Ugh. Gross.
> 
> If you think think she's a wh0re, do not buy her a gift.
> 
> I do not want your wife to have a happy Xmas. I hope that she finds herself in the bathroom, crying and making her mascara run, realizing what a mess she has made.


Thanks! Nice 2x4!

Setting up for Christmas here at home alone. Haven't seen the kids since Wednesday and won't until tomorrow night. I can't wait for them to be here. This *IS* hard. 

Time to wrap presents, alone.

I hope they have a really good Christmas, I'm trying as hard as I ever have.

Bah Humbug.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats your old lady doing to help you make the choice to keep her?
I mean it sounds like she isn't do much, hence the reason you keep questioning it all?

Maybe for xmas you can get her a nice pillow so the floor won't be so hard while she sits at your feet, waiting for your next command. Maybe a new shoehorn so its easier for her to take your boots off when you get home from work?

My point is there has to be a huge degree of submission on her part in order to stay, and heal you for the betrayal she has done.In short fogiveness is earned not given IMHO.

So I ask again what is your old lady doing to stay and not get kicked to the curb? Granted she may be doing the things to affair proof her marriage as an individual...which is great, but in the same breath there is alot of work that she needs to do for you in repairing the damage she caused you?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

staystrong said:


> The only important thing is that she gets you a good gift.
> 
> You could get her a mediocre gift or no gift at all.


She deffinitely needs a gift. Get your wife a new GPS or VAR! My fWW is getting new rope....the nylon climbing rope is causing rope burns, so my wife is getting the softer, clothes line rope that isn't so rough.

My point here is, get her a gift you both can enjoy...except a power tool. I bought my wife a table saw and that didn't go over so well. But at the time(1st xmas since d-day) it seemed like an awsome idea! Thinking back a callor and leash would have been more simbolic to my line of thinking...


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I wasn't planning on buying my cheating H a gift this year (it's been 4 days since Dday). But I thought he would get me something because he's kissing my a$$ to try and win me back. So I got him something really cheap and small: a 1 year subscription to Netflix because he loves movies. I figure if I don't want to give it to him on Xmas Day, I'll keep it for myself. 

Turns out we had a big fight today (Christmas morning) and I left him to go to my friend's house. I'm keeping the Netflix for myself.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I dont know what is wrong with this BSs. Their WSs were banging someone during their last Christmas when BS gave them the Xmas gift. Now knowing what they did, BSs are looking for some nice gift for their WS.wah......... How generous BSs are. 
But its not my game. I wont waste a penny buying them a gift for cheating on me and my kids.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This was our 2nd Christmas since D-day. As I mentioned we did not get each other anything. I still had a down day but it was not as bad as last year.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

It will be 1 year post my D-day and discovering my WS betrayal was my last year Xmas gift, so imagine how much I wanted to celebrate Xmas this year. Plus his family abandoned me and my 2 yearl old and now all of the sudden, cause he is begging to come back, they wanted to come over. It does not work that way!

I say, no matter if you will R or D do whatever you feel. If you do not feel like getting anything DO NOT. This is their time to show what they want and how they want to conquer us and make us fall in love (if at all possible). This does not mean you need to rub it in, (I did not, I just asked him if he needed something and he mentioned a couple if things and that was it, since he wanted to spend Xmas with us). It sounds hard and mean, but why get something if you do not feel it, just to fake it?


----------



## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

this was month 4 since dday.....christmas was tougher than i thought....we are trying to reconcile....more like dont talk about it and move on.....both of us in counciling....I asked this very question....what do i get her if anything.......the response i got was this....If I have made the decision to forgive then treat it like a normal christmas....i spent the normal amount that i would have any other time......i bought her some really nice perfume....i wanted to tell her for ME only but probobly not a smart thing......her gifts were basically picked off my ebay watch list so not alot of thought put in....in her defense we were going to focus on kids and not get presents ive never followed that rule in the past  lol.....i spoiled my kids however....not sure if this was our last family xmas or not.....im still processing some feelings i thought i had put to rest.......hopefully people on here are right....time and patience are the key ingredients to reconciliation. Stay strong listen to your heart.


----------

