# Continue to talk, or let it lie?



## loveislove0593 (Aug 14, 2017)

This all started back in my senior year of high school. I grew up a very heterosexual male, and as many guys my age, very focused on sex. My father is and was a pretty perverted guy so I grew up with that influence constantly. My last semester of high school, I started noticing that I would randomly start looking at other mens genitals during P.E. At first I thought I was just comparing myself to other men, but I began noticing that i would often fixate on it and was constantly curious about it during shower time.
At the time, I didnt think much of it. Even though I noticed it had evolved into more than just comparing myself, I thought it was normal and had no bearing on my sexual orientation. After that semester, I began college at State. I began noticing that my "curiosities" began to get stronger and more frequent. This honestly really scared me, so I did my best to ignore it and supress it. That was the wrong thing to do, as it just made things stronger and more frequent. I dated a few girls during my two years at University. It should be noted that my first roommate and I didnt really get along. At first we did, but then he started telling our mutual circle of friends that I was gay and so I ended up moving out.
After that first two years, I transferred to a different college. Things hadnt gotten any better. The curiosities and fantasies still there, even stronger. The curiosity would eventually lead to viewing adult videos containing sex acts between two men and a woman. Some heterosexual, some homosexual. I would meet my wife at College. While sexually active with her, I would notice that my urges would lessen to a degree. Although, she had made comments a few times questioning my sexuality. She played it off as a joke, but i knew she was honestly wondering.
Her making comments, along with my own confusion led to me seeking out opinions and advice from mutual friends and family members of ours. Biggest mistake of my life. It backfired so bad that it eventually got back to my wife that I was talking with people other than her. That would lead to us discussing it a few times. At first she thought I was trying to tell her I was gay, which is not true at all. After some discussion, I was able to help her understand that I am/was curious. I wish i could go back and not have spoken to so many people about it. One of these people, who was her best friend in college and in our wedding wont speak to us now because of it. I think it is because I put her in an awkward position by asking her for advice on how to approach my wife on the matter.
I guess i am just wanting more clarity and less confusion when it comes to my sexuality. I had chances to experiment before I met my wife, but never followed through. I feared that if i tried it, and liked it..I would instantly turn homosexual and not love women anymore. Stupid fear, right?
I also want to not feel so much fear and anxiety when it comes to talking to my wife about it in the future. I am sure at some point we will, but the times we have to this day, I become really anxious and nervous. Scared even that she is going to leave me.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and we had big talk in which i explained that i am sexually attracted to men, and she asked if i was bisexual. I replied with "yea i think so". She was pretty supportive and understanding, but concerned and wanted to make sure i was being honest with myself about being bisexual.
Ever since we have talked, my sexual interest in men has skyrocketed. What do i do?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Whether you are attracted to men or women or both is beside the point. Do not cheat on your wife,she had been nothing but supportive to you and doesn't deserve a cheating husband on top of everything else. 
If you want to sleep with men then get a divorce first.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Whether you are attracted to men or women or both is beside the point. Do not cheat on your wife,she had been nothing but supportive to you and doesn't deserve a cheating husband on top of everything else.
> If you want to sleep with men then get a divorce first.


I totally agree. Being bisexual doesn't give you the right to have sex with anyone outside your marriage any more than being heterosexual does.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I think you start divorce proceedings.
> An amicable, friendly divorce. No hard feelings. You just shouldn't be married to a woman.


I'm sorry, but that's not good advice at all, and I mean that respectfully.

OP, if you're attracted to both men and women, and your wife is okay with that, then you have to make sure you respect her in this regard. If she accepts that you're bisexual - then great. If she doesn't accept that you can "experiment" - then you need to absolutely respect that.

If those urges to experiment are too great, and your wife is not okay with that, that's when you need to make a choice - but please involve your wife in it. Cheating is cheating, no matter what the reason - or genders involved.

You need to look at it this way: if you're attracted to both men AND women, you're married, love your wife, are attracted to her, and she is not okay with you going outside the marriage to "see what it's like" - then that's the bed you've made and you respect your vows. Don't take apart someone else's life for your own urges.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your options as I see them.

1) Remain married to your wife and understand that means total monogamy for life.

2) Remain married to your wife, cheat, and pray you don't get caught.

3) Remain married to your wife and negotiate some kind of non-monogamy agreement.

4) Amicably divorce your wife.


I, personally, recommend #1 or #4.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

And absolutely DO NOT ever again involve other friends, particularly other women, in very important, extremely personal and potentially life-altering, things you should be discussing with your wife. Going to other women behind your wife's back to discuss your sexuality is a profound slap in the face to your wife. If you cannot respect her enough to discuss important topics with her instead of, or at the very least before and afterward only with her consent, going to other women with them, then you shouldn't be married.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm "other women" curious. I occasionally think / fantasize about being with other women. I wonder what it would be like. But - I DON"T DO IT. I'm married. Lots of people are attracted to people other than their spouses. 

If you are bisexual, then you are attracted to men and women. You can no more be with other men than you can be with other women. 

OTOH if you are gay - which is to say that you substantially prefer men to women, that is a different story. In that case you should divorce your wife so that she can be with someone who is attracted to her.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I believe everyone lies on some point on a spectrum with very few being 100% hetero or homosexual and few being completely 50/50. It's normal to have at least some attraction to the same sex. 

It is still very much a choice to stay faithful to your wife. If it's something you feel you need to experiment with you can either speak to your wife about having an open marriage or divorce but either way you have to be honest with her about it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are an increased risk for std's which means full disclosure with whoever you are with.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> OP wants some d.
> 
> A huge majority of straight women are not going to be okay with that in a husband.
> 
> ...



No, she never has to be okay with it, nor allow him. Nor does OP "have" to have sex with men. She can be, however, okay with the fact that her husband likes women AND men.

Your homophobia is showing.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Yeah. The "yuck" was very unnecessary 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> No, she never has to be okay with it, nor allow him. Nor does OP "have" to have sex with men. She can be, however, okay with the fact that her husband likes women AND men.
> 
> Your homophobia is showing.





Elizabeth001 said:


> Yeah. The "yuck" was very unnecessary
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


In defense of @notmyrealname4, sexual acts involve bodily fluids exchanges even if the only fluids exchanged are saliva and sweat. There is an "ick factor" (yuck!) in that exchange regardless of the genders involved. Pretty much only fetishists want their partner coming home smelling like someone else or, even worse, with another's bodily fluid residue on their person.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Have a peek through Craigslist personals ads or go to a bathhouse or "peep show" (aka glory hole booths)
Like half of them are married men going to be with other men. The want is fairly common but what you do with it your own choice. I'd much rather see men like this trying to figure out a solution rather than trolling Craigslist for car head. 

Cheating is yuck. Wanting to sleep with someone of the same sex is just normal. 

Less "yuck" when it's 2 women though it seems. Maybe more acceptance would help these guys explore in more positive and less lying, secretive ways?


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> In defense of @notmyrealname4, sexual acts involve bodily fluids exchanges even if the only fluids exchanged are saliva and sweat. There is an "ick factor" (yuck!) in that exchange regardless of the genders involved. Pretty much only fetishists want their partner coming home smelling like someone else or, even worse, with another's bodily fluid residue on their person.


Sure, but that still doesn't mean that OP HAS to have sex with another man, or that OP's wife ever HAS to be ok with it. Although most people are not ok with their spouses/lovers being fluid bonded to another person or other people, it doesn't seem like that specific yuck is what @notmyrealname4 is referring to. I think it's pretty clear he's referring to "Yuck, gay sex" in general. Which is homophobic.

OP, it makes sense that your homosexual desires are going haywire. You've been in denial about this for a long, long time, and now suddenly, it's ok to think about. But, that doesn't mean it's OK to act on, as things stand right now. I think you are very lucky to have a wife understanding of your bisexuality, and you ought to work to find a way to respect your wife by either setting fantasies aside, coming up with a non-monogamy agreement, or getting amicably divorced.

As a fellow bisexual, if you do choose to stay with your wife (in monogamy or with a non-monogamy agreement), just know you are going to have gay feeling days and straight feeling days. Some days you'll really want a ****, some days you'll really want breasts, and maybe if you're adventurous, some days you'll want both at the same time. I hope you're able to strike a balance for yourself that works for you!

Best of luck,
Kayla


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Sure, but that still doesn't mean that OP HAS to have sex with another man, or that OP's wife ever HAS to be ok with it. Although most people are not ok with their spouses/lovers being fluid bonded to another person or other people, it doesn't seem like that specific yuck is what @notmyrealname4 is referring to. I think it's pretty clear he's referring to "Yuck, gay sex" in general. Which is homophobic.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Excellent post. Well said. I didn't have the temperament to respond so eloquently. 


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

OK, in a perfect world you really should have figured out your sexuality before you got married, but I also should have figured out I'm a bit of a *****. Nobody's perfect. There are also a ton of things people regret not doing before they got married or settled down or whatever and sometimes, you just gotta accept that that ship has sailed. Sometimes, you just miss out on opportunity.

I think you need to decide which camp you're in: Are you willing to just accept that you had your chance to be bi-curious and missed it, embrace your marriage as it is and move on or are you hell-bent on experimenting? I don't think either of these choices are bad, however. I mean, I accept that I'll NEVER travel the world. Unless I'm willing to forfeit my husband and my job it ain't happening. On a sexual note, I wish I experimented more, but I'm too old (not to mention married) to participate in a gang bang now without legit destroying my life so I accept that also and move on.

Once you make this decision, everything else will fall into place.

However, you really can't use your undetermined sexuality as a good excuse to cheat on your wife. I'm not sure if you're justifying it in your head that it's OK because you're not sure if you like men, but if you are it's wrong. If you're gay, cool, but you can't use that as a smokescreen for wanting to try something new and cheat on your wife.

I think you have a hard decision to make.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Sure, but that still doesn't mean that OP HAS to have sex with another man, or that OP's wife ever HAS to be ok with it. Although most people are not ok with their spouses/lovers being fluid bonded to another person or other people, it doesn't seem like that specific yuck is what @notmyrealname4 is referring to. I think it's pretty clear he's referring to "Yuck, gay sex" in general. Which is homophobic.


Gay sex will not always include anal, but most people are going to assume a gay or bisexual man will eventually get around to anal even if it's just once to satisfy curiosity. Anal is still seen as a taboo regardless of the genders of those participating. Many, allegedly the small majority, find anal distasteful (icky, yucky) between a man and a woman, two men, and any other LGBT configuration that could occur naturally or with adult novelties. The "yuck" probably had more to do with the assumption of eventual anal than anything. I, of course, am merely being Devil's Advocate and cannot speak for @notmyrealname4. Just speculating here.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Have a peek through Craigslist personals ads or go to a bathhouse or "peep show" (aka glory hole booths)
> Like half of them are married men going to be with other men. The want is fairly common but what you do with it your own choice. I'd much rather see men like this trying to figure out a solution rather than trolling Craigslist for car head.
> 
> Cheating is yuck. Wanting to sleep with someone of the same sex is just normal.
> ...


I retract my "homophobia" statement.

Still, the "just divorce" advice isn't fair. I can't imagine that bisexual men or women who happen to be married are cheaters any more than heterosexuals are.

Gay, straight, Bi - it all comes down to how much one values the marriage.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But you haven't edited it out of your original response to me, have you?


Nope.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> That's right, play the "homophobia" card.
> 
> B.S. I'm offering MY opinion of the situation, as a straight, married woman.
> 
> ...


*Are* you homophobic?

If not, then I apologize.

But using a word like "yuck" to finish up your reply is hard to take any other way.

Seriously - are you homophobic or not?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

notmyrealname4 said:


> That's right, play the "homophobia" card.
> 
> B.S. I'm offering MY opinion of the situation, as a straight, married woman.
> 
> ...


Many many men are going to end up with some kind of thoughts or desire for same sex. 

Think about it, as much % of women that have ever had some level of desire to be with another woman. 

Many many women have had some kind of thoughts or desire to be with the same sex. 

That's because most of us are not 100% straight or 100% gay. 

It's just more accepted when a woman has those feelings. 

So chances are likely that your husband has at some level wanted some other man sexually. It's no more or less devastating than him wanting another woman sexually.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's no more or less devastating than him wanting another woman sexually.


This is why it's latent homophobia. The thought that it's somehow worse that your partner has a desire for somebody of the same sex. When in reality, it's all the same - your partner wants to be with somebody else, period, full stop. Same damn thing.

As well, the assumption that, because it's same-sex attraction, somehow increases the chances that that person will act.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I identify as heterosexual, and have zero sexual feelings for the same sex.
> 
> I don't find the idea of homosexuality to be sexy or romantic in any way.
> 
> ...


Relax.

Nobody's intolerant of anything.

The point I was trying to make, as were a couple of others, is that it really doesn't matter if somebody wants to sleep with someone of the same OR the opposite sex while married to someone else.

Stop and think about that. Does it really matter? Is it actually worse? Because I can't fathom why it would be.


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