# He found out...



## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

We have been together 19 yrs, 2 kids, 19 and 17, both still at home (rolling my eyes). For the last 9 years the hubs has been a truck driver. In jest I discribed it as being a married-single parent. Shrug, He's home 6 days a month max. Which means I live in OUR house, raise our kids, live our life alone for the most part. Not a traditional or ideal marriage but we managed to hold it together for 9 yrs. But I failed him.

The OM was a PA only. He's a low-life, in and out of jail, drug addict, alcoholic, man *****. He's also my BFF's brother. Turns out she knew. It went on for about 3 or 4 months, once or twice a month. I didn't call him, email, FB, nothing. We just won't like that. shrug, He'd call me to "hangout". I was able and allowed to hangout and drink with him for 3 years. Yeah he'd have a few to many and come on to me. Usually by trying to get my pants off while i was passed out. (rolling my eyes) I'd wake up and hit him, "WTF r u doing!?". And that was it. No EA, no touching convo's, no sweet nothings. 

I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. The sex with the hubs was good but i did want more. I told him I was like a 18 yr teenaged boy. That i think I've hit my peak and for right now ANYTHING goes. Shrug, he asked for nothing. In the last 4 years I lost over 100 pounds, bought costumes, planned romantic weekends were all he wanted to do was stay in and watch TV till he was ready to sleep. I KNOW he loves me. I know I'm the most important person in his life. I know he would never do such a thing to me. IDk, I wanted to be wanted? I wanted to be desired? I wanted more of my husband.

Yeah know, I was reading my diary and in 2009 he told me I was going to end up cheating on him. I shocked asked why. He said because truckers wives always complain that they're bored and lonely. My mother says he abandoned me then. I was complaining and telling him what I needed from him. Yet, Blaming him like that doesn't seem fair.

How he found out. He had me followed. He didn't have much but I didn't know that or care. I fessed up. No more lies or hiding. It was what it was.

Nothing I can say can make that ok. My actions, my bad. 

Its been 3 weeks since DDay, I'm seeking marriage counseling. He has agreed but doesn't have faith in it. EVERYONE (i'm so tired of hearing that, i just care about what he things) Says it won't work. I'll just do it again. I agree to a point. If nothing changes the outcome will be the same.

I have stopped binge drinking because really, what ever happens the party is over for me. If I end up leaving I have to restart my life in the next state were my family can help me. I have given up my BFF (and only close friend) of 5 yrs cause she and her brother live in the next county and I now have no business going out there. I do have a job that keeps me busy, so i don't have so much time on my hands. The OM has yet to call me in the last 3 weeks. I hear he's been saved and getting Baptized. (rolling my eyes) I'm sure a piece of tail has more to do with that then the holy ghost. I honestly couldn't care less. Never did. 

At the moment i'm out of the house on the weekends. Staying with my sister when he's in. He's not gonna cut me any slack. He's to hurt to let his pride do that. 

We were happy once. I don't know what else to say. 

I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.

All I wanted was him.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, this is tough. You have a husband who is all alone the vast majority of the time. We'll assume that while it was extremely hard, he remained faithful to you all that time.

So now, he gets to do the very same thing, which is a challenge for anyone, but he gets to do it while imagining and wondering whether or not you can be trusted.

I wouldn't worry about the nay-sayers who are telling you it won't work. They really don't know what they're talking about. This does all come down to your husband's ability to learn to trust you.

The sad thing is--that lying this way really does kill romantic love. All you can do is be totally transparent--give him all passwords and access to your cell phone bill etc. Also, stay in touch with him throughout your day and describe what you're doing and account for your time. It will be very hard to build back his trust because he's so far away, but this is about the only thing, in addition to marriage counseling, that I can think to do.

My only other advice is don't rush him to heal. Don't get tired of answering questions, don't get defensive when he wants to go over something that you already talked about 50,000x. That's easy to agree to do 3 weeks out, but try 6 months out, one year out. For a cheating spouse who truly wants to reform, that is where the patience tends to run thin.

What are his options for changing careers? Any chance he can get something closer to home?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> We were happy once. I don't know what else to say.
> 
> I am trying to be as transparent as i can, available, and remorseful. I understand I betrayed him and hurt him badly. I can only hope that the good years we've had together will save me.
> 
> All I wanted was him.


I am sorry to hear that. 

I wish waywards would realize the possible ramifications before they choose to cheat. 

Most marriages fail after an affair. 

Some limp along for years, but eventually the faithful spouse realizes they can't let go of the pain until they leave. 

There are a handful of success stories here. 

You might get better help on the reconciliation board. 

Those are people who seemed to stay together after cheating. They may be better able to offer you pointers on how to win back your spouse.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Options on Careers. He's now talking about selling his trucks and trying to start a car lot. As for shift work, it doesn't pay enough to keep the house going even with my pay. Besides we live in a factory area. With all the lay offs It took me a year to find a job and I have 10 yrs experience. My son took 2 yrs. The job market sux. Another reason I'd have to move to the next state.

We have been also talking about outting up camera's in the house. Not only because of me but the teenagers too. I could go with him more if we could still keep an eye on whats going on while we're gone. If we make it that far.

We have always been one of those couples that do better the more we're together. 

Yes, he also said the same thing. That he was out alone too and didn't cheat. He said hes had opportunities and didn't. True. I don't expect a get out of free card. Just understanding. His days are filled with his job from morning to night. He gets in that truck and leaves me behind to carry on with our life without him. Going to family events, to his family events without him. It's like we were already living separate in a lot of ways. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> Yes, he also said the same thing. That he was out alone too and didn't cheat. He said hes had opportunities and didn't. True. I don't expect a get out of free card. Just understanding.
> 
> His days are filled with his job from morning to night. He gets in that truck and leaves me behind to carry on with our life without him.
> 
> Going to family events, to his family events without him. It's like we were already living separate in a lot of ways. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another.


If you want to save your marriage your going to have to try to dispense with your personal pity party. 

So, your husband is out busting his butt to earn a living any way he can. And, so you are lonely. 

That is no excuse to cheat. 

If you were unhappy you could have asked him to take you with him, as you are now doing. 

You could have also asked for a divorce. 

In your first post it doesn't sound like you want a divorce. 

Still, I can assure you, if you start blameshifting your spouse may show you the door. 

You cheated and you are skating on thin ice now. 

Eat crow and woman up and take the blame, otherwise you are going to lose this game.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> Options on Careers. He's now talking about selling his trucks and trying to start a car lot. As for shift work, it doesn't pay enough to keep the house going even with my pay. Besides we live in a factory area. With all the lay offs It took me a year to find a job and I have 10 yrs experience. My son took 2 yrs. The job market sux. Another reason I'd have to move to the next state.
> 
> We have been also talking about outting up camera's in the house. Not only because of me but the teenagers too. I could go with him more if we could still keep an eye on whats going on while we're gone. If we make it that far.
> 
> ...


Hi Grace sorry you are here I was wondering what your marriage would look like if he was home all the time ? on one hand you are used to doing things your way or on your own but all of a sudden he is their 24/7 would this change some of your thoughts and feelings about him being gone all the time ??


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I am talking the blame. I told him for the last 4 years i Needed more of him. For the last 3 years he's had a truck with only one bunk. He JUST bought another truck with two bunks, 4 weeks ago. Just before he found out. 

Yes I feel sorry for myself. I blame myself. Yes we had problems but I through the grenade. I hate what I've done to him, myself, our marriage, our family. It IS all my fault. So yes I feel sorry for myself. And I don't expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. I did this. I allowed it to happen. It didn't just happen. I allowed it.

I know it will take the rest of my life to make it up to him, is he allows me to. He's worth it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Not going to lie. 

You don't sound sorry. 
You sound...regretful you got caught. 

I bet if you hadn't gotten caught, the affair would've ended, and that would be that. 

And your good memories don't mean jack sh!t to him. 

I have great memories of going to Disney World with my dad when I was younger. 
That memory was killed when he hit me in the face with a frying pan (long story) 

So you two have a bunch of great memorieses. Well take your photo albums, then drop them in some mud, and that is what your memories are. Worthless. Tainted. 

You better plan to do more than just bank on your 'grand ole' memories we shared.'


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

By the way, great choice for an AP. 

I always heard women cheat up. They cheat with a man that earns more, or earns the same but is more attractive. 

A drug addict alcholic. I wonder what attracted you to him...

And people told me nice guys don't finish last...
Just like they told me Santa Claus snuck down my chimney for cookies and milk.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I don't want him to feel sorry for me either. Just understand I always just wanted him. 

I'm trying to be there for him as much as he will let me. Answering every call and text, not hanging up no matter how bad it gets. At first I wouldn't cry in front of him. He shouldn't be comforting me. But he didn't think I was sorry or wanted him tell I had a complete melt down, histarically cry and begging him not to leave me. Later he said he was surprised. So now i cry when it hurts me too. 

Most convos have been very civil and clean. Not much mud slinging. I'm an open book, raw. No need to fight. Not much gets done that way anyways (19 yrs together, we've learned how to fight constructively).


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'd rather him home all the time. We we're one of those couples that get along better the more we are together. Always has been. 

Broken. I ain't mad at you. Your right. Your like the half of him that hates me. He's said some of those very things.

Why the low-life? No emotional atachments on either side, and he wanted me. wish I could say it was more than that but sadly not so.

If I hadn't got caught. It would have gone on for IDK how long. Till I got tired of being a botty call or he didn't want it anymore.

I REALLY lowered myself there. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. All that affair did was make me feel bad about myself. I don't know why I allowed that and continued it. I really don't understand that myself


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you've stopped binge drinking. Are you completely off the booze?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> I'd rather him home all the time. We we're one of those couples that get along better the more we are together. Always has been.
> 
> *Broken. I ain't mad at you. Your right. Your like the half of him that hates me. He's said some of those very things.*
> Well I am 20 and watching my parents rip each other apart.
> ...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You have also been together for 19 years. 

So what did those past 19 years mean when you were cheating?

Were they just distant memories? Unhappy memories?
Like my childhood? 

Because you just traded them for however long your affair lasted. 

Was it an equal trade?


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

No booze, at all. None in the house. Done. 

Broken: Your fine, just don't hit below the belt. I'm hurting too. ok. You haven't yet. But your getting close. Try and remember I haven't done anything to you. K?

The bad boy. I didn't want him to change. I didn't want anything from him. He was going to jail at the beginning of this month if he didn't pay 200. He doesn't have it, I do. He didn't ask. If he did ask I won't have given it to him. Thats his problem. I won't even visit him. He is what he is. 

Yeah, know. He's says it's worse than a EA/PA affair. At least then he could understand it. I get that too. 

I cant protect him from the truth.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

no, it wasn't a fair trade. I was very selfish.

Now I'm faced with losing him, our house, our future together and restarting again from scratch. Thats on me too.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

How long has been an OTR truck driver?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> He's says it's worse than a EA/PA affair. At least then he could understand it. I get that too.
> 
> I cant protect him from the truth.


Don't bank on this statement too much. There is no form of an affair that is "good" and this is something he's just saying out of raw pain. Believe me, if you were exchanging I love you's with the addict along with the sex, your husband would be in a new dimension of pain.

So where do the two of you stand on going to counseling? Is that a tough thing because he's on the road? Some counselors will do this stuff by phone. However, you need one who will not minimize your infidelity and sweep it under the rug. You'd be surprised how often that happens, and even the cheater is appalled.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

all drinking friends: done with too


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

the last 9 yrs


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> By the way, great choice for an AP.
> 
> I always heard women cheat up. They cheat with a man that earns more, or earns the same but is more attractive.
> 
> ...


I have always heard that most affairs they cheat down or affair down.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Grace 
Welcome and well done on being brave and coming here for help.
You'll get some people who will not be so kind to you for cheating and some who will give you some great advice.
I'm a BS by the way. 
Take it a day at a time. Don't push your H in the R and let him go at his own pace. If you've been reading TAM you'll know the WS drill by now if you truly want your marriage to work out.
True remorse
Total transparency
No rug sweeping
No blameshifting
No gas lighting
No trickle truth.
There's a couple of excellent stickies on her if you're not sure on how to proceed.
The most important I'd say as a BS now is total honesty, transparency and no blameshifting.

You have 19 years behind you. It's worth fighting for.
Can I ask why you won't leave your kids alone and feel the need to have cameras on them? Unless they are delinquents they are definitely old enough to be left alone so you and your H can have some time together. You definitely need it. Your marriage must come first now before everything.

Good luck and keep posting.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> I have always heard that most affairs they cheat down or affair down.


Most people cheat down! Definitely!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I am have trouble finding counseling on Sat. On called me back and said a friend of hers was starting a new practice and might be interested. She's gonna pass on my number. There is a counseling facility here that is open Sat, I called them first. I was told they don't do "marriage" counseling only individual and you can invite someone in. I now understand thats for insurance reasons. Cause insurance doesn't cover Marriage counseling. So I have an apt with them Mon...he's not going, yet. It's a screening to see what my needs are first.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I have always heard that most affairs they cheat down or affair down.


Guys tend to do so, women will if it's a "bad boy," otherwise women can usually have casual sex with a higher ranked male in a ONS.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

The kids...ever seen project X? We don't want them drinking and having sex in the house. They are 17 and 19 and untrustworthy for that alone in our minds. The 19yr does drink and we have come home to a house full of teens. It's been a problem before. We have the neighboros on notice with our cells when we do leave for a night or two.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I have always heard that most affairs they cheat down or affair down.


They ALWAYS affair down. APs, by definition, are helping a married person betray their spouse. I don't care how much money they earn, their jail record, or what they look like. Integrity is what counts--and they don't have it.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> I am have trouble finding counseling on Sat. On called me back and said a friend of hers was starting a new practice and might be interested. She's gonna pass on my number. There is a counseling facility here that is open Sat, I called them first. I was told they don't do "marriage" counseling only individual and you can invite someone in. I now understand thats for insurance reasons. Cause insurance doesn't cover Marriage counseling. So I have an apt with them Mon...he's not going, yet. It's a screening to see what my needs are first.


Grace If I may suggest - Do you have a university nearby ?? most universities have marriage and family counseling centers they charge on a sliding scale depending upon financial situation, they are graduate students working on becoming therapists or counselors and are overseen normally by a practicing local therapist. My wife and I used one for reconciling our marriage after my affair and it worked wonders for our marriage this was 3 1/2 years ago that would be my suggestion 

Good Luck


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I think I went with him because he wanted me, had been a friend for awhile so he was easy to be around, he had "dated" bigger, fatter, uglier than me so i know I wasn't out of the question, and low self-esteem. He didn't want my heart and new it wasn't mine to give, it belong to my husband. He didn't want my heart anyway.

I think. I haven't really figured it all out yet myself.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> He's home 6 days a month max....I told him I was like a 18 yr teenaged boy. That i think I've hit my peak and for right now ANYTHING goes. Shrug, he asked for nothing. In the last 4 years I lost over 100 pounds, bought costumes, planned romantic weekends were all he wanted to do was stay in and watch TV


You loaded it and pulled the trigger, that's all on you, but he handed you the gun. What's the plan? Divorce?


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

IHeartLife: good point!!!!!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> No booze, at all. None in the house. Done.
> 
> *Broken: Your fine, just don't hit below the belt. I'm hurting too. ok. You haven't yet. But your getting close. Try and remember I haven't done anything to you. K?*
> You hit your husband below the belt.
> ...





> They ALWAYS affair down. APs, by definition, are helping a married person betray their spouse. I don't care how much money they earn, their jail record, or what they look like. Integrity is what counts--and they don't have it.


Integrity counts. 

How many young girls look for it today? Because I am willing to bet that it is less than half. 

Secondly have you gone to individual counseling?
People keep telling me to go to it. 

They can probably help you with your issues. 

Also, have you considered maybe working?
That way your husband doesn't have to bust his ass 3 weeks straight to be home for 6 days? Maybe only work for 2 weeks straight then get a week off, then another 2 weeks, then a week off. 

That will give you two more time to talk and consider a reconciliation. 

Also maybe you could do skype sessions or something with a counselor when he is out of town. 

And do you know what he wants?
Does he talk about reconciliation? Or divorce?
Or does one seem dominant? Like he talks divorce only 10% of the time and reconciliation 90% of the time? Might give you a hint.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> They ALWAYS affair down. APs, by definition, are helping a married person betray their spouse. I don't care how much money they earn, their jail record, or what they look like. Integrity is what counts--and they don't have it.


Sure, but when the woman takes the rings off, most guys aren't gonna know.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Sure, but when the woman takes the rings off, most guys aren't gonna know.


Or even care if she had one in the first place.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Machiavelli: This is a college town. I'll look into that. Thanks for the suggestion

he's willing to try but doesn't think he can get past this. He's agreed to counseling, so I'm working on that. 

Neither one of us wants to divorce. At first he did, but can't go through with it. It hurts him more than trying, so he's willing to try. no guarantees.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Have you been tested for STD's? 
Because it is entirely possible an ex-inmate may have left you a going away present. 

And if he did, you need to tell your husband. Because that may make him divorce you. Because he has a right to live a physically healthy life. 
May you got lucky. Who know's. 

But you shouldn't take a gamble on that.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

He's out during the week and home most weekends(in sometime sat out mon morning). I work full-time too. No free ride here.

He goes back and forth but more 30% divorce 70%recon...these days.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

When he's home on the weekends he's busy all day working outside untill the sun goes down. The neighbors joke about it. Almost like he was avoiding me or ignoring me. I'm don't think he was doing it on purpose.
I'd complain and whine (not ***** and nag). He'd say well i cant help it if things need to be fixed. I was taking care of my family. I just didn't feel like i was on his list.

I did get him to admit resently he didn't like me and couldn't name anything he LIKED to do with me. That HURT!!!


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I haven't been tested yet and neither has he. It is on the list! for both of our health.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

The first time you slept with OM were expecting it ahead of time or did he just have his way after you were blitzed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I was blitzed, didn't see it coming. No sexy talk or texting before hand. After that every time I went to see him I meant to reestablish the boundaries. Sometimes No meant No and sometimes I failed. I was fooling myself. Shaking my head.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

there wasn't even kissing. ever.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> He's out during the week and home most weekends(in sometime sat out mon morning). I work full-time too. No free ride here.
> 
> He goes back and forth but more 30% divorce 70%recon...these days.


Keep improving yourself. You'll want to be looking hot for when he is fully on board with reconciliation. Or if he opts for divorce. The main thing is that your husband is in a single man's occupation. Also, he's not showing the normal man behavior on the rare occasions when he's at home. Which brings up a question, how is he solving his problem if it doesn't involve you? Porn? Lot Lizards? Maybe he just has zero testosterone. I think you might want to find out why he's behaving so unnaturally.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

So no more drinking for this women. The party is OVER. I don't even trust myself. My butt is grounded. I'm pretty sure my Bff through me under the bus at one point. I didn't know she know. But I guess since the OM was her brother he told her. I also believe she told OM that my Hubs knows. Thats why he hasn't called in 3 weeks. I usually hear from him every week or two. I don't care that he hasn't called thats fine. If he does, i'm just gonna tell him to not call anymore anyways. I just don't know how I'm gonna reasure the hubs its over. OM is like a rabbit to track down. No cell, and doesn't call from the same number. Moves around alot.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

He says he's stressed. 

I use porn and tried to get him to watch it with me. He said it doesn't feel right looking at other women with me.

He does watch porn some but doesn't own a single movie. I do. 

I have bought him toys to use hoping the masterbation would increase his libido. It's sitting in his dresser draw at home.

I've thought he's had a T problem for sometime honestly. But no insurance and his pride keeps him from getting that checked.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So let me get this straight: You used to hang around an ex-con, drinking; he'd hit on you, try to _*take your pants off when you were passed out!*_ and you WENT BACK???

How did you rationalize sticking around a rapist? Don't you know you were giving him a greenlight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

i don't believe he's cheating. But i guess he could. No way for me to know. I tolde him if he has NOWs the time to get it out there. "cone of safety". He was offened. I could NEVER to something like that!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts...

Please take these this for they are worth. I have no interest in attacking you and i'm completely indifferent to what happens with you or your marriage. But it is a terrible situation, I'm genuinely sorry people do this to one another and to some degree, I feel symapthy for you and do empathize. We are people, we are all flawed.

That being said, Your not being accountable and do not think you are truly remorseful. Perhaps you want to be, but I dont think you are. I read everything you said, and how you said it... Your responses are coated with a level of resignation but you feel at some level that your actions were justified. It seems you use sarcasm/dark irony/humor as a coping mechinism. 

Let's read what you said...



Grace42101 said:


> I am talking the blame.
> 
> *Taking the blame vs. taking responsibilty and being accountable are very different. Even if I didn't 'do' something, I could and would 'take the blame' for the greater good. Whatever that may be. Do you see the difference? *
> 
> ...


Again, these are just random thoughts that pop into my head when I read things... The reason I offer them is because I believe that without true remorse, there can never be sustained change or growth in people or relationships. I don't sense this remorse in you, and you should seek it out. It's the key.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

misdeemers isn't a fair cry from ex-con. Local jails. If he could pay the fines he wouldn't go to jail. 

He wouldn't try to get my pants off often. He'd get hit, take the hint and wouldn't try again for several months. When your a married women drinking with singles...it happens. I had gotten used to it. So your husbands a truck driver, you really think he's not cheating??? Pffft....yeah it was still very, very stupid. Special with his rep. Recipe for disaster. I thought I could handle him. 19 yrs, I've handle lots of men like him with out a problem. I have no problem putting someone in there place.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

His hurt is bigger than mine. He's the hurt one, i'm the sorry one. 

The why and how of it is what it is. And I really do believe if he was there for me more I wouldn't have. It's not like he was home every night and I choice to spend time with another over him. Nothing excuses my actions and my choices. Regardless of what lead up to what I did, i choice to continue to see him.

With out changed on both our parts I do feel I would do it again. I have needs and wants that are valid and need filling too. If nothing changes the outcome will be the same. 

So true remorse would be invalidating my needs and why i allowed it and except the blame as if i did it because I could?

I'm not being a smarty pants or defensive. I'm just trying to understand.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

I have a hard time not thinking you are full of it and a compulsive liar. You got caught...THIS TIME!

But you have nothing to prove to me, make your husband happy.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I can only say this is my honest story. 
This is the first time i have cheated the entire time we have been together. We have had a solid marriage. Some years better than others. We'd go through our phases but divorce never came up. 

I'm sorry if you feel i'm being dishonest with this forum. I have no reason too. I'm just reaching out to those in similar situations.

I gather you were cheated on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> The kids...ever seen project X? We don't want them drinking and having sex in the house. They are 17 and 19 and untrustworthy for that alone in our minds. The 19yr does drink and we have come home to a house full of teens. It's been a problem before. We have the neighboros on notice with our cells when we do leave for a night or two.


Were your boys in the house when your OM was trying to rape you? I hope not.

And yes if a man tries to have sex with a woman who is unconscious (for whatever reason) that is attempted rape.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

no... I was at my BFF's house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> no... I was at my BFF's house.


And your BFF, what was her view on the fact that he was trying to press himself on you, whilst you were drunk?

Another thought... did your sons know what you were doing? Think carefully on this... your husband found out, so they might have found out, too.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Your story strikes a chord with me. I am overseas for 3 months at a time and then spend a nice 25 day vacation with the family.

I could cheat (I go to Bangkok twice a year for the job...) but don't.

So you raise fears my wife probably shares.

From the sounds of it, you are already on the road to an R.

Your flip answer about 'handling' guys like that speaks volumes. Onviously you CAN'T handle guys like that. Avoid men in the future. No I'm not kidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I haven't told the husband about that. 
1. I dont want him to think I'm making it up to safe myself
2. He hasn't asked those kinda questions yet. He's struggling with his own imagination still and may rather not know. 

If he asks Im gonna be completely honest about how the first time happened. But it didn't stop there either. The first time was VERY shady on the OM part, but again, it didn't stop there. Whether is was technically rape or not doesn't matter really.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

My BFF felt he was wrong! And she then told me other girls have told her similar stories about him. 

Kids: (19 boy 17 girl) I honestly don't know how much they know. I have told them that it's serious this time. IDK if we will make it through. It's my fault. As far as I know thats all they know. But i know better then to trust thats all they know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> I haven't told the husband about that.
> 1. I dont want him to think I'm making it up to safe myself
> 2. He hasn't asked those kinda questions yet. He's struggling with his own imagination still and may rather not know.
> 
> If he asks Im gonna be completely honest about how the first time happened. But it didn't stop there either. The first time was VERY shady on the OM part, but again, it didn't stop there. Whether is was technically rape or not doesn't matter really.


*
Yes, yes it does matter very much*.

You see, there might well be a problem of self-worth, there.

"I am such a bad person I should just let this lowlife maul me and try to rape me, because I am such a bad person."

I think that counselling for these issues might be a considerable potential value for you. And for your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> I haven't told the husband about that.
> 1. I dont want him to think I'm making it up to safe myself
> 2. He hasn't asked those kinda questions yet. He's struggling with his own imagination still and may rather not know.
> 
> If he asks Im gonna be completely honest about how the first time happened. But it didn't stop there either. The first time was VERY shady on the OM part, but again, it didn't stop there. Whether is was technically rape or not doesn't matter really.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> My BFF felt he was wrong! And she then told me other girls have told her similar stories about him.
> 
> Kids: (19 boy 17 girl) I honestly don't know how much they know. I have told them that it's serious this time. IDK if we will make it through. It's my fault. As far as I know thats all they know. But i know better then to trust thats all they know.


Because it is highly unlikely that the OM kept his mouth shut. After all, how did your husband know enough to have you followed?


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

the husband found out by having a PI follow me. He didn't have much. Pics of me out with someone I had no business with when I told him I was elsewhere. He confronted me when "i know". i didn't know what he had or did to caught me. I didn't deny it.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

true, my BFF know. I didn't tell her anything after the first time. But she know. The hubs called her 3 way with his friend talking to her, he was listening, she know all right. Said OM told her. freaking home wrecker is what he is.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

<---low self-esteem and depression. thats me all right. I'm gonna ask for private sessions for me too. My sister is worried about me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> the husband found out by having a PI follow me. He didn't have much. Pics of me out with someone I had no business with when I told him I was elsewhere. He confronted me when "i know". i didn't know what he had or did to caught me. I didn't deny it.


If he had a PI follow you, then he was already suspicious. You need to be nothing but 100% honest with him in order to try to start to build something new out of the ruins of your old marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Drop the booze. First thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

The husband was getting blocked number texts tipping him off. I have thought more then once it was the OM. He had his number too.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

But why would OM do that?? Save his ass? As far as I know they were anonymous...?? Whats the point. Were's the pay off. Nail me and tell on me?? it doesn't make sense.

Or he told BFF and BFF was texting hubs. idk, and never will most likely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> But why would OM do that?? Save his ass? As far as I know they were anonymous...?? Whats the point. Were's the pay off. Nail me and tell on me?? it doesn't make sense.


Maybe the thrill for the OM was nailing you and then boasting to your husband that he had nailed you?

And that, sadly, is how some POSOM are.

That is their rather sick payoff.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Sooo done with the booze. no worries there. Only if I'm with the hubs and he doesn't drink.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

If thats the case i hope the hubs caughts up with him!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> The husband was getting blocked number texts tipping him off. I have thought more then once it was the OM. He had his number too.


More likely BFF rather than OM. Why would want OM to be busted? He never wanted you to leave for him, he was about to be jailed again.
Maybe some common aquitance, bar buddie.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I was so stupid, and foolish. Huh, well i guess OM was rather proud of himself. He climbed Mt. Everest! F'n POS!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> More likely BFF rather than OM. Why would want OM to be busted? He never wanted you to leave for him, he was about to be jailed again.
> Maybe some common aquitance, bar buddie.


Or the children, maybe?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> freaking home wrecker is what he is.


Um, you were a willing participant, so stop trying to place blame on everything but yourself. I have read this entire thread, and I agree with those who are questioning your taking responsibility for anything. You made a choice to sleep with this OM. YOU chose to betray your husband and possibly rip apart your family. Are there things happening in your marriage? Sure. There are things happening in all marriages. 

This isn't to try and make you "feel bad". This is because you are going to need to communicate with your husband, and if he hears what you are telling here, everyone will advise him to leave you. You do not sound remorseful. You do not sound upset that you hurt him and your family, you only sound upset that you are dealing with consequences. You need to stop focusing on the outside and look at the inside. 

It doesn't matter who told your H, it doesn't matter why. Stop giving the OM any more of your time. Get clear on you and why you made the choices you did. That is the only way you are going to help him heal.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Bff was the only common denominator. She has a cell but not texting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> I was so stupid, and foolish. Huh, well i guess OM was rather proud of himself. He climbed Mt. Everest! F'n POS!!


Are you a large woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thats what i'm doing here. trying to figure it out buy working it all out.

Remorse, hard to express remorse to strangers in text format. Besides I'm not a very emotional person, and not one to share openly deep feelings. I'd rather lighten the convo. Keep things reasonable and rational. Most ppl call me very laid back and easy to be around. Strong, and independant, cause i don't ask for help.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

well, larger than i'd like. I was a size 26 down to a 16 at the momment.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

one more thing on my remorse id like to add. I'm not looking for sympathy or forgiveness from any of you. remorse here seems moot.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I am sorry i hurt him. I am sorry he's paying the price for my actions. I'm sorry I embarrassed him. I am better than this, and he deserved better than this. I am sorry and he knows it. And hubs knows this more than anyone.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> Thats what i'm doing here. trying to figure it out buy working it all out.
> 
> Remorse, hard to express remorse to strangers in text format. Besides I'm not a very emotional person, and not one to share openly deep feelings. I'd rather lighten the convo. Keep things reasonable and rational. Most ppl call me very laid back and easy to be around. Strong, and independant, cause i don't ask for help.


 That is great that you are laid back and relaxed. This is not a conversation that can be had lightly. So you are gonna have to realize the depth of your actions, and get through to the fact that this is not something you can just rationalize away. 

My H is gone for a year at a time. I do not cheat. I raise my kids alone. I run this household by myself. I handle everything, including mailing him a box once a week in between classes. We are thousands of miles away from either of our families. And it has absolutely nothing to do with communicating about infidelity in a marriage.

You don't have to convince us of anything, but you do need to listen to what is being said. Your statements are blanket statements that look more like blame shifting. That is something in your control. So now you need a new game plan on how to communicate.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> one more thing on my remorse id like to add. I'm not looking for sympathy or forgiveness from any of you. remorse here seems moot.


This is a tough love forum. We wrap our sympathy in lead foil.

Stick around Grace.... we'll do our best to help you out. And the way we do that is to halp you look at yourself objectively and without the foggy glasses. You're going to get some scathing objectivity, so brace yourself.

Through a series of bad choices, aided by alcohol abuse and a lonely wife's sense of entitlement, you took deliberate actions to bang another guy. You may tell yourself that it all "just kinda happened", but we're here to answer with a big "BUNK!" on that line of rationale.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

If i could take it all and bare it myself, i would. But i can't. All i can do is try and help him heal. Be there for him and do everything and anything to make him feel more at ease. Not any easy task. But thats my price to pay. And I'll pay it for as long as it takes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Um, you were a willing participant, so stop trying to place blame on everything but yourself. I have read this entire thread, and I agree with those who are questioning your taking responsibility for anything. You made a choice to sleep with this OM. YOU chose to betray your husband and possibly rip apart your family. Are there things happening in your marriage? Sure. There are things happening in all marriages.
> 
> This isn't to try and make you "feel bad". This is because you are going to need to communicate with your husband, and if he hears what you are telling here, everyone will advise him to leave you. You do not sound remorseful. You do not sound upset that you hurt him and your family, you only sound upset that you are dealing with consequences. You need to stop focusing on the outside and look at the inside.
> 
> It doesn't matter who told your H, it doesn't matter why. Stop giving the OM any more of your time. Get clear on you and why you made the choices you did. That is the only way you are going to help him heal.


Dawn, with respect, I disagree. Because if there's a chance it was one or both of the children, then they might need some counselling, too.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thats fine. It didn't just happen. I allowed it to happen. 

I'm a tuff girl. Hit away! I can take it.

Blunt honesty. thats what i'm here for


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Matt: I hadn't even thought about that. Oh, god!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> Dawn, with respect, I disagree. Because if there's a chance it was one or both of the children, then they might need some counselling, too.


??? I am not sure what part you diagree with MattMatt LOL
Ahh, okay now I get it. You had me scratching my head there for a second. I don't think its worth the time of wondering if the OM did it. I should have rephrased.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

i agree it doesn't matter who was tipped him off really. It doesn't matter how it started. It happened cause I allowed it. period.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> If i could take it all and bare it myself, i would. But i can't. All i can do is try and help him heal. Be there for him and do everything and anything to make him feel more at ease. Not any easy task. But thats my price to pay. And I'll pay it for as long as it takes.


He is going to need the truth behind "why" without you blaming it on an outside factor. Honestly, it isn't usually a really difficult thing. " I liked the attention" or " I was being selfish" is almost always a part of it. That is why I say to look inward. Figure yourself out. You let your boundaries down, and made bad choices. Why? You may not know right now, but you will need to find a path to get that answer.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Oh, I know that one I think. I like be wanted. I liked knowing i was still desirable. I liked the excitment. A night with OM didn't always me sex but it did mean fun! An adventure. I didn't know where we were going or who I was going to meet. I was along for the ride. (maybe not a good word choice but you get what I'm saying)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DawnD said:


> ??? I am not sure what part you diagree with MattMatt LOL
> Ahh, okay now I get it. You had me scratching my head there for a second. I don't think its worth the time of wondering if the OM did it. I should have rephrased.


Actually, if the OM did it, he might be nasty enough to get even nastier...


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

like how?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> Oh, I know that one I think. I like be wanted. I liked knowing i was still desirable. I liked the excitment. A night with OM didn't always me sex but it did mean fun! An adventure. I didn't know where we were going or who I was going to meet. I was along for the ride. (maybe not a good word choice but you get what I'm saying)


 Absolutely. And that plays a big part in it. The attention you were getting drew you in, and you felt understood and appreciated in different ways. Have you come to grips that getting that from him was temporarily more important to you than your marriage and family??? That is going to be a BIG issue for your H more than likely. A lot of WS's say they just "weren't thinking" and more light can be shed on that if this is the case with you as well.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, if the OM did it, he might be nasty enough to get even nastier...


Its possible, but from how she has described him, its a long shot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> Matt: I hadn't even thought about that. Oh, god!


You need to cover all angles. I knew a girl years ago she was totally messed up. Her situation was really bad, she came home from school early and found her dad in bed with a man...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> You need to cover all angles. I knew a girl years ago she was totally messed up. Her situation was really bad, she came home from school early and found her dad in bed with a man...


I do agree with finding out how much the kids know and if it was possible that they told your H. They will be feeling some very real emotional trauma if that is the case.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Yeah, is asked if it was worth thoughing it all away for that POS. and the like in the beginning. But when I went to my sisters instead of my BFF he was surprised. He figured I'd run off with OM. 

I'm sure we will come back to that a lot.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Nah, they could have known before. I didn't bring OM here and i don't usually tell the kids where i'm going or when I will be back. So they couldn't have known from seeing or hear anything. I WOULDN"T soil my house like that. OM tried. He showed up here once. NOT OK! This is not a party area.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

OM doesn't have there number. BFF doesn't have there number either.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> Yeah, is asked if it was worth thoughing it all away for that POS. and the like in the beginning. But when I went to my sisters instead of my BFF he was surprised. He figured I'd run off with OM.
> 
> I'm sure we will come back to that a lot.


It is possible. I will tell you this. I think it would be a good idea to ask your husband to fill out a Five Love Languages questionnaire. Just him for right now. And after he does that, you can see how he feels loved the most. And step up your game in those areas. 

Remain transparent. If the OM calls, you tell him not to contact you ever again, and immediately tell your H if he is not there when he calls. You said he doesn't really have a phone, so you can't block him, but you can sure as hell make it known that you never want to see him again. Block his email if you have it, facebook, etc,etc,etc. 

He may not be sure about how much he wants to know right now. Some people need all the information, some need just the big stuff, some do not want a lot other than to know that they cheated. Let him ask you whatever he needs, and do not be defensive. ( That can be hard, I think people are usually naturally defensive sometimes). Most important of all, do NOT try to downplay anything, or suggest that he caused any of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> like how?


Like stalking.

Sorry to raise this but you have to be ready, just in case. And yes, it does happen.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

theres so much on this site. weres the questionair?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> Nah, they could have known before. I didn't bring OM here and i don't usually tell the kids where i'm going or when I will be back. So they couldn't have known from seeing or hear anything. I WOULDN"T soil my house like that. OM tried. He showed up here once. NOT OK! This is not a party area.


People talk, kids talk. There are many ways for information to spread.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Alright the sad and simple truth is that if your husband keeps his over the road job, your screwed. No not literally. He will never be able to trust that you are being faithful. You played a sad and silly game and now you have lost. I feel bad that you had your pants pulled down in a drunken stupor, but you went back for more. You want to prove that you are worth staying for, then here is what you need to do.

1. Get rid of your BFF, she is the one that is supposed to keep you from making stupid decisions on girls nights.
2. Send OM a NC letter and cc your husband.
3. Keep up IC.
4. As you know be TRANPARENT.
5. Never stop saying you are sorry.

After that, it is up to him. With the age of your children I would not be surprised if he walks away. He was busy earning a living and you were f'ing a convict. 

The thing that worries most about you is that you have stated that you would do it again if things don't change. The thing that needs changing is you and you alone. DO NOT put this back on your husband.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not sure if I can link it but I will try:
The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

That is what I have on it at least LOL


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

OM isn't on my FB, he is on there just not mine. no email...just the calls and those have stopped without me asking. But yea, with out a doubt, lose my number. They live in the next county. I have no business out there anymore either way. 

Stalk me?? Nah i don't think so. I'd be hard to do anyways. Besides, i hear he's saved ang getting baptized (rolling my eyes). He has his sights on some on harder to get.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> But why would OM do that?? Save his ass? As far as I know they were anonymous...?? Whats the point. Were's the pay off. Nail me and tell on me?? it doesn't make sense.
> 
> Or he told BFF and BFF was texting hubs. idk, and never will most likely.


The OM might have hoped to have an LTR with you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Oh, yes. I'm signing up for counseling too. I have plenty to work on.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> OM isn't on my FB, he is on there just not mine. no email...just the calls and those have stopped without me asking. But yea, with out a doubt, lose my number. They live in the next county. I have no business out there anymore either way.
> 
> Stalk me?? Nah i don't think so. I'd be hard to do anyways. Besides, i hear he's saved ang getting baptized (rolling my eyes). He has his sights on some on harder to get.


Then call him, with you husband present and tell him never to call or talk with you again. This is your bed, tidy it up!!!


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

His sister, my BFF said the same thing. But he's not the LTR kinda guy. More like a bang as many as you can before its all over kinda guy. If he does take on a LTR he doesn't even try to be faithful. It's not in his nature. His last GF was married and left her hubs for him. He was in anothers arms in a week!


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

He has no phone. He borrows ppls phones to call out. The only way for me get get a hold of him his to call whoever I can and ask them if they hear from him to call me. I did call BFF today and ask just that. IDK if he will. 

BTW, thats the last call i'm making to her. I'm just gonna take her calls less and not return missed calls from her. She's a smart cat. She'll get the idea.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I think she told him about hubs finding out and he wont call. I don't care. 

The hubs is tracking my phone records and i'll answer for and thing he wants me too. There are a lot of unavailable numbers on my records and he's free to use my phone to check who they were based on dates and times. No deleting. Because of were we live i'm always outside the network so my phone records show unavailable numbers yet my phone shows it wasn't a true blocked number. One was even a call to the hubs. Just the service we have.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Noi particular wisdom to add at this point...you are still figuring things out. Just wanted to say it's not hopeless. My wife cheated 22 years ago and we are still together, and happy. It can be done.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

THANK YOU FOR THAT!!! I do need to here its not hopeless. Congrats!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> THANK YOU FOR THAT!!! I do need to here its not hopeless. Congrats!!!


Yeah but you gotta own your sh!t Grace. 

Even if he does end up divorcing you, you must accept 100% of the responsibility for the affair. Hubby was responsible for 50% of the marital problems, as you were the other half......but the affair is all on you. 

If he does divorce you, be strong enough five, ten or twenty years down the road to admit to your bad decision and don't shift the blame onto him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here

Useful article
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Nope. i handle things badly. We had issues, but I threw the grenade in the mix. My actions, my decisions, my choice to keep see OM, my fault. period. No agruements there.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Grabbing my kindle.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> He has no phone. He borrows ppls phones to call out. The only way for me get get a hold of him his to call whoever I can and ask them if they hear from him to call me. I did call BFF today and ask just that. IDK if he will.
> 
> BTW, thats the last call i'm making to her. I'm just gonna take her calls less and not return missed calls from her. She's a smart cat. She'll get the idea.


Nope you need to tell her that you are cutting off the "friendship" due to its toxicity to your marriage.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I've read the article already but i'm reading it again. Got the book along with "Not Just Friends".


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

I'm gonna curl up with my new books now. Thanks for all the feed back: good, bad, and indifferent. I WILL be back.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

One other thing that might drive your OM to reveal is that he sounds like a total loser. He's probably intimidated by a man who can keep down a job, sobriety, a woman happy (mostly) and feels like a lesser man.

So, being a natural POS and loser, he decided to bring your husband down.

But he doesn't sound clever enough to know how to block a phone number.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah but you gotta own your sh!t Grace.
> 
> Even if he does end up divorcing you, you must accept 100% of the responsibility for the affair. Hubby was responsible for 50% of the marital problems, as you were the other half......but the affair is all on you.
> 
> If he does divorce you, be strong enough five, ten or twenty years down the road to admit to your bad decision and don't shift the blame onto him.


Owning your sh!t.....

Well yes, but if you get into keeping score I don't think it helps. No point for knowing who was mostly responsible that the marriage failed if your goal is to save the marriage.

You stuffed up, I think you know that. 

You need to work on underlying issues in the relationship. I think you know that.

Just making sure you know...if there is any core detail of the affair that you have not admitted, tell your husband NOW. DO NOT WAIT!

And if he asks questions answer them. Don't hide stuff. Sometimes that will hurt you to do so, but you have to do it. 

You are trying to rebuild trust. He's trying to figure out why he should believe anything you say, and going over what he knows in his head looking for holes. Don't leave any holes.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Actually it sounds pretty sad. Her husband is comfortable enough (or was comfortable enough) to decide NOT to divorce her or to really follow up with her.

He'd rather put up with a potentially loveless and self respect-less existance for the wife and the boys.

THAT is what you have reduced him to. Maybe. Or maybe he's getting to the point that he's just going to emotionally disconnect from you enough so that he will no longer care if you are faithful as long as his basic needs are met...but he won't be the man you married anymore.

Good luck.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

We did the quiz. he did his and I did mine while on the phone with each other. We learned some things about each other we didn't know. Like he feels loved when i cook for him. I didn't know that. And he heard my answers. Sometimes explaining our answer to each other.

Thank you for that suggestion. Made for a very good, constructive conversation.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The OM was a PA only. He's a low-life, in and out of jail, drug addict, alcoholic, man *****. He's also my BFF's brother.


And the married woman who has affair with such lowlife is ?

You even seem to worry that he hasn't called yet.


Another SAHM who cheated when she lost some weight..How unique!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Grace, the only question that matters is "why should your hubby give you another chance?" If you were him, would you? I doubt it. This is the question that will be on his mind from now on, and if you can't PROVE that you are worthy, then it probably won't happen. So you need to do anything and everything to PROVE to him that he is all you want and that this will NEVER happen again, regardless of whether he continues to truck or not. You will have to be an open book 24/7/365. Can you do it, and more importantly, can you be trusted to do it?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Grace42101 said:


> We did the quiz. he did his and I did mine while on the phone with each other. We learned some things about each other we didn't know. Like he feels loved when i cook for him. I didn't know that. And he heard my answers. Sometimes explaining our answer to each other.
> 
> Thank you for that suggestion. Made for a very good, constructive conversation.


I am glad the quiz gave you some new info. I am guessing his main love language is Acts of Service??

Just as a warning, I know there are problems in the marriage. But you need to give him time to heal from your affair before you push too hard to work on the pre-affair issues. Move at his pace. He might be willing to talk about some of the problems one day, and the next be completely different. Its going to fluctuate, and you are going to have to accept that about the recovery process. I went from love to hate in a matter of hours sometimes, and it is brutal.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> Actually it sounds pretty sad. Her husband is comfortable enough (or was comfortable enough) to decide NOT to divorce her or to really follow up with her.
> 
> He'd rather put up with a potentially loveless and self respect-less existance for the wife and the boys.
> 
> ...


Sorry JCD, I don't know your back story. But as a reconciled betrayed spouse what you say does not ring true to me.

There is certainly sadness. Yep. Will never totally go away. 

Without criticising anyone who makes a different choice, I believe I was totally right to reconcile with my spouse for the sake of my children (though mine were younger). I take pride in having done that.

And along the way, I learned that the things that bind my wife and I are greater than the things that divide us. I am not for a minute excusing or defending my wife's affair, but I am happy and proud to be her husband, and take great joy in our marriage.

So it doesn't have to be as you describe for everyone.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Move at his pace. He might be willing to talk about some of the problems one day, and the next be completely different. Its going to fluctuate, and you are going to have to accept that about the recovery process. I went from love to hate in a matter of hours sometimes, and it is brutal.


IMO good advice very well put.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Sorry JCD, I don't know your back story. But as a reconciled betrayed spouse what you say does not ring true to me.
> 
> There is certainly sadness. Yep. Will never totally go away.
> 
> ...


My issue is (granted from a third person perspective) is that he doesn't seem that intent on digging for things. He isn't trying to lock her down. He's letting her wander off unmonitored to her sister's and he refuses to be in the same house with her.

So...I can only go by your and other people's stories. I'm comparing this to Devistated Dad's issue and Can'tThinkStraight. He doesn't seem to be reacting the same way at ALL except for being hurt. SHE is making all the effort to make this up (as she should) but he seems...distant.

Maybe I'm reading too much into the way she is telling the story.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> And the married woman who has affair with such lowlife is ?
> 
> You even seem to worry that he hasn't called yet.
> 
> ...


That was unnecessary..Ignore it


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

Nope 11 on physical. I was 9 (highest) Quality time.

Yeah, I get that. It's ALL about him. I don't wanna push and yes sometimes I cant help it but I know how fair i can push and it has to be really worth it. but really, right now. I see nothing to fight about. When it comes to him I have now boundries and i'm ok with that, for as long as he needs. He can looking in on me anyway he likes. Strap a GPS tracker on me, recorders i don't care. I have no secrets anymore. NONE. Shrug, ok. Honestly.
Problems lined up by priority. His healing first!

If he cheated on me. I'd be hurt, shocked, pissed as hell because of how hard i try for his attention, confused. But I would still want him, and love home. I'd try and forgive him if he really wanted me to. I'd try and give him another chance , if thats what he really wanted. He's worth it. What we had is worth it. He has already asked me if I would forgive him if he cheated. I would try.


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## Grace42101 (Oct 16, 2012)

he is distant, gaurded. But getting better. He did want to see me tomorrow while passing through but truck issues put a stop to that. There's always this weekend. 
he did take the quiz for me. (grin) 30 questions. lol. He grumbled and did it and took it seriously, told me his answer as he went along. We even started a guessing game out of it. Laughed together about some of the questions. It was fun. grin
Today was a good day. Thank you all for helping me so I can help him.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> My issue is (granted from a third person perspective) is that he doesn't seem that intent on digging for things. He isn't trying to lock her down. He's letting her wander off unmonitored to her sister's and he refuses to be in the same house with her.
> 
> So...I can only go by your and other people's stories. I'm comparing this to Devistated Dad's issue and Can'tThinkStraight. He doesn't seem to be reacting the same way at ALL except for being hurt. SHE is making all the effort to make this up (as she should) but he seems...distant.
> 
> Maybe I'm reading too much into the way she is telling the story.


OK...you have me thinking here.

We don't know what sort of person he is, or what he is thinking. 

For me there was a time of disbelief when I first discovered the affair, then rage as I tried to stop it, then sorrow after it had stopped and the rage subsided, then numbness. I won't try and put timeframes on them....I really don't remember. But the numbness lasted a few years, slowly giving way to joy in a fulfilling relationship again. And alongside it all there was uncertainty, which has diminished but will always be there a bit.

When your world falls apart, first you have to stop falling, then you find a place of equilibrium and safety, and that gives you a basis to rebuild. Maybe that's what he is doing...finding the equilibrium

And I can talk about this now but I've had years. If you asked me to explain it when it was happening, I was a frigging mess...no way did I understand it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> If you want to save your marriage your going to have to try to dispense with your personal pity party.
> 
> So, your husband is out busting his butt to earn a living any way he can. And, so you are lonely.
> 
> ...


Well said, Sara. Thanks.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Don't bank on this statement too much. There is no form of an affair that is "good" and this is something he's just saying out of raw pain. Believe me, if you were exchanging I love you's with the addict along with the sex, your husband would be in a new dimension of pain.
> 
> So where do the two of you stand on going to counseling? Is that a tough thing because he's on the road? Some counselors will do this stuff by phone. However, you need one who will not minimize your infidelity and sweep it under the rug. You'd be surprised how often that happens, and even the cheater is appalled.


Exactly. All affairs are painful....EA,PA, EA/PA

Your husband is simply trying to make sense of a situation that will NEVER make sense to him.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> But he doesn't sound clever enough to know how to block a phone number.


He likely does not WANT to block the phone number. He wants to rub his presence in the face of the faithful spouse. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair did the same thing, too many times to count.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That was unnecessary..Ignore it


Warlock, I thought your post made a good point. 

The way I see it with my own cheating spouse and far too many who post here, they are all to willing to see the OM or OW as a lowlife, but they are unwilling to see or admit that they too are equally as guilty as the affair partner, or maybe even WORSE, because they stabbed a faithful spouse in the back. 

I think a person who cheats needs to see this logic clearly. Nothin' wrong with what you pointed out. 

It's kinda' obvious, IMO. The cheating spouse is just as guilty as the affair partner.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Grace42101 said:


> If he cheated on me. I'd be hurt, shocked, pissed as hell because of how hard i try for his attention, confused. But I would still want him, and love home. I'd try and forgive him if he really wanted me to. I'd try and give him another chance , if thats what he really wanted. He's worth it. What we had is worth it. He has already asked me if I would forgive him if he cheated. I would try.


Well, of course you would have to forgive him if he has a revenge affair, if you expect him to forgive your affair. 

That is easy to say. Still, it may be more painful than you know.

Also, since you will NOT be blindsided by his affair and are half expecting one, a lot of the pain and the self doubt and the inability to trust one's own judgement will be removed. 

So his affair will most likely never be as painful to you as yours is to him.

And thus you will never be able to relate to his pain in an equal way.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Exactly. All affairs are painful....EA,PA, EA/PA
> 
> Your husband is simply trying to make sense of a situation that will NEVER make sense to him.


I wish this were not true, but it is. Sooooooooooooo true.


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