# finally melted down.... 23 year marriage just ended



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Well it finally happened. After so many years of trying to save this marriage I think its finally over. We had a petty argument and it ended up into a full blown meltdown. All sort of nasty things fell out of my mouth and the same for her.

She went to her room and I went to mine. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last year. I am sure the kids heard the noise, but they did not ask so I did not say anything.

Tomorrow will be a different day. I have been trying to save this marriage for so long but the wifey just never did anything to help. I took the position that it was my fault, although I knew in my heart that it was not.

So I am finally ready to give up. I am not asking for advice, I am just venting.

However, if there is anyone out there that ended their marriage in a dramatic way like this I would like to hear from you....

I am venturing into new territory now, so I am a bit apprehensive as to what to expect.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I have been divorced before but no kids... not knowing your wife I can't give any clues as to what is coming.

I do wish you the very best though


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You've been sleeping in separate rooms for a year? 

Have you considered separating? Sounds like you are emotionally there. Doing it physically might give you the answers and give you an idea of how to go from here. Sounds like the current situation is pretty bad.


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## lostnbroken (Aug 21, 2009)

I am sorry, Troy. I am in a similar situation as well.

My husband of 4.6 years and i haven't spoke to each other since 1/25/2011. I am currently outside of US (i am visiting my family since 1/9) and will be back in the end of this month to file for divorce. I feel the same way as you do. I have tried to save this marriage for so long, whereas he's done nothing to help at all. Instead, I strongly feel that he's taking me for granted and not respecting me. He blames his unhappiness all on me instead of working on himself from within. I, too, took the position as it was my fault. But deep down in my heart i know it is not my fault at all. He tends to run away from problems instead of trying to fix them or work on them. So he always chooses to get out of the marriage when there's issues (most of the time can be worked on or fixed). I am usually the one to pick up and put back all the pieces after his emotional roller coaster ride. This has happened 3 times over the past 2 years. And this time is the 4th time! (We would get along so well and all lovey-dovey, and then he drops the D bomb out of blue or over some stupid argument. It hurts me more deeply every time he does it).

I love him dearly but my head tells me it's not healthy at all for me. I have dreamed of him breaking up with me and woke up in tears so many times over the past 2 years. I walk on eggshells just so I don't do things to make him want to break up with me. I feel that I can't take it another day living with a man who wants to check out of our marriage when he's not happy with whatever and not wanting to work on it with me. So when I go back to the US, it's also the time to end this all mass. My friends all told me there's someone mature, loving, and caring out there that will love and respect me the way I deserve. To start all over is scary. I feel so hopeless and helpless when I wake up every morning. But I want to tell you the same thing too, that there's someone out there for you. You are letting go for yourself, not for her. This might be the best thing that you can do for yourself when you look back after a few years. Good luck to you and me.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Thanks "lostnbroken" -- wish you well when you get back.

She acts like a mother to me more than a wife. So I am fequently left out of decision making and having a say-so in issues. Most of the time I feel like I am left on the sidelines while she carries on with her life. She basically ignores me more than anything else.

Like most couples, we were very much in love and life was great early on. But things changed over the years and we basically grew apart. The difference is I was always sensitive to the state of our relationship and tried to live in a way to keep conflict to a minimum. So I frequently avoided telling her how I felt, or my opinion on many issues; big mistake - now I know.

She is very happy carrying on with her life, which is very private now. I have no idea what is going on in her life because she does not share anything with me anymore. Locks her phone, dropped me as a facebook friend, and goes to her room when on the phone so I can't hear her conversation. 

She wants to separate, and I finally decided its time to let her go. I told her she is free to leave, but she wants me to leave instead. She claims its because she does not think I can take care of our 18 year old daughter, but I don't buy it. She does not do much for her now and whatever there is to do, I am sure I can do it. Most of the doing now is getting her into college which I can manage.

A year ago I was okay to be the one to move out because I was thinking of her more than me. That has changed.

I have grown some b**lls recently and I started to think about my welfare and needs for a change. I have been the classis "Mr Nice Guy" all my life and I finally realized it.

So since she wants to end our marriage and breakup the family, she should be the one to leave.

I am on a journey to break out of the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome and find myself again. I have been putting the needs of others before my own needs for so long I don't even know who the real me is anymore.

It will take some time but now I feel I will be okay. And I know there is someone out there for me. One day I will meet someone to love and who will love me back. 

I am learning allot from this experience, so the next time around I will be better prepared to do things the right way to give love every possible chance to last a lifetime.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

If you don't want to leave...don't. Either she can or you can just live separately at home until you divorce. Have you ever tried marriage counseling? Even if you went alone it could be helpful to you.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I texted her and appologized for the outburst and nasties. She replied with "I feel things may get violent so we should not stay in the same house anymore". 

In 30 years I have not hit her once nor have I ever considered it. I am well aware of the consequences - legal, kids, etc. - so I will not intentionally do it. I don't know if she will come home tonight, she did not say.

I plan to stay in the house with the kids for now and see what happens. My decision to leave will be based on the best interest of my kids, then me. I will know in a month or so what to do.

Tried marriage counseling a few years ago together, but it did not help. Recently I asked her to go again but she refused. I went alone for a couple of months but the counselor was not good. I could tell from the 1st session he had concluded the marriage was over, and he really did not try to help other than listen and give some cookie cutter advice.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Troy, it takes 2 to run a marriage. I have marriage problems as well. I am, I guess in the same position as your wife. I no longer love my husband. However, for 6 years, I've been telling him that we are having problems. At the beginning they were minor, just starting. But he wasn't listening. I forced him to counseling 3 years ago. It helped while we attended then right after, back to normal - nothing. We're just 2 people that live in this house. 9 months ago I told him that was it, I was leaving with our daughter, but because of the church I stayed. But NO more, I'm tired of this CRAP. He doesn't get it. He just does nothing. We don't talk about nothing but the weather, who died, etc. He doesn't know that I'm going in for cardio. testing for my heart because I thought I was having a fricken heart attack 2 weeks ago. (My Dad died of hardening of the arteries, my one brother had stroke at 53 and another had a by-pass at 40.) Husband and wife should be best friends - we're you and your wife ever BEST FRIENDS?? I am a woman who wants that, who wants love, who wants someone to talk to, one who listens. Did you do all that with your wife?


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Sorry for the long delay. Thanks for all your replies and here is an update.

W is still not talking at all except for the day-to-day stuff. I have been communicating by email and txt messages since she does not want to talk. She used to reply but now she has stopped replying to my emails and txts.

Its a waste of time to continue so I sent her another email saying I will stop bothering her. Since she does not want to communicate I decided I will leave her alone and stop trying.

This wont help but I am completely out of ideas. Some days I wish she would just leave so I can move on. I cant get myself to leave. I tried last year and couldn't.

My last child will be out of high school this summer and I feel this will be when we go our separate ways. Well she said that a few months ago that's why I know.

I still love her so much and want her back more than anything else, but I feel I have tried for too long and now I feel like I am beating a dead horse. I just about ready to completely give up....


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## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

olddeer said:


> Troy, it takes 2 to run a marriage. I have marriage problems as well. I am, I guess in the same position as your wife. I no longer love my husband. However, for 6 years, I've been telling him that we are having problems. At the beginning they were minor, just starting. But he wasn't listening. I forced him to counseling 3 years ago. It helped while we attended then right after, back to normal - nothing. We're just 2 people that live in this house. 9 months ago I told him that was it, I was leaving with our daughter, but because of the church I stayed. But NO more, I'm tired of this CRAP. He doesn't get it. He just does nothing. We don't talk about nothing but the weather, who died, etc. He doesn't know that I'm going in for cardio. testing for my heart because I thought I was having a fricken heart attack 2 weeks ago. (My Dad died of hardening of the arteries, my one brother had stroke at 53 and another had a by-pass at 40.) Husband and wife should be best friends - we're you and your wife ever BEST FRIENDS?? I am a woman who wants that, who wants love, who wants someone to talk to, one who listens. Did you do all that with your wife?


 so sad if a marriage doesnt have communication, how can it survive???I understand how it feels...
my DH and i never talk....not even about the weather...lol......I feel you totally on being best friends....


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

troy said:


> dropped me as a facebook friend,


waiting for that one myself, surprised she hasn't done so already.

Spoke too soon, she unfriended me this morning.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

lovegreen said:


> so sad if a marriage doesnt have communication, how can it survive???I understand how it feels...
> my DH and i never talk....not even about the weather...lol......I feel you totally on being best friends....


we did talk, but W never indicated any problems with our marriage.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

lovegreen;271686 We're you and your wife ever BEST FRIENDS?? I am a woman who wants that said:


> Unfortunately, I really cannot say we were ever best friends. Our interests and lifestyle are very different. We have very little in common.
> 
> Love, intimacy and companionship defined our relationship,; not friendship. I suppose this should have been a red flag if it had ever occurred to me, but I never realized it until now.
> 
> ...


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

lovegreen said:


> so sad if a marriage doesnt have communication, how can it survive???I understand how it feels...
> my DH and i never talk....not even about the weather...lol......I feel you totally on being best friends....


lovegreen

I would love for her to be my best friend. We were not in the past, but I know we can if she is willing. We don't talk at all except about the mechanics of day to day life. I have a need to share intimate details about what is going on inside me and she is the only one I would want to share these things with. 

I cannot share these things with my mom, sister, brother, friends, or anyone else I can think of.

I did see a counselor last year and this was helpful with venting all that I had. Unfortunately he was not very good and did not help with saving my marriage.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Troy you know what? you are not going to like my thoughts but I think it's time for you to give your head a shake and get the heck out? You are hurting everyone - your wife, your kids, and yes, especially, ESPECIALLY you. There is, believe it or not someone out there for you. 
I have been feeling the same and have some what been expressing it throughout these threads. But also, in a way I am like your wife, I have now pushed my husband away, even though he says he LOVES me, he does not talk to me like you/I "want" to talk to a partner. 
For years(3), I told him we needed to solve this and nothing was done. He just wants to stay a Couple, a husband and wife. You didn't start out as Best Friends and it may be too late to do it now, she probably has no feelings at all for you now. I have pretty much "ZIP" for mine, some times ANGER and even some kind of DISGUST and this hurts me dreadfully when I say this but he didn't and still doesn't want to do a thing to try to fix our marriage problems.
Now, I simply want to run from this but am so scared. I know there is someone out there though who truely wants all the love, friendship, romance, conversations, etc. that I want. I have an 11 year old daughter that's partially holding me back and an 81 year old mother.
It's there for you too. You'll get through the initial hurt, pain.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

olddeer:

You are right. Hanging on is hurting everyone around me. My daughter got into a fight at school, and I am sure the situation at home contributed to her stress and anger. Now we have to go to court next week.

Wife told me she lost her feelings for me at least 2 years ago. Its probably longer. She also said the thought of sex with me is "sickening" - her exact words. Talk about a blow to my self esteem as a man. 

In a few months my 2 kids will decide if they will leave to go to college or stay home and go locally. If they choose to stay I will tell them likely I will be splitting up with their mother, and they will need to decide who they want to live with. If one or both of them wants to stay with me, I will stay in the house and ask her to leave. If neither one of them wants to live with me, I will leave.

If they leave to go to college, I will leave.

I am tired of trying and its time to end the misery and move on. So hopefully it will all end soon. I have resigned myself to leaving her alone. So I dont even attempt to say anything to her anymore. The house is very quiet these days. I basically live upstairs and she lives downstairs.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Troy, you'll get through this. Your wife has been wanting out for quite a while. The sooner you go the better for all 4 of you I believe. It's been too long now. Some people might say it can be worked out. ?????
If you leave, even yes, get the divorse, heh, it sounds like you're not going to rush out and get into another relationship. So if this all starts next week, you get your own place and then in the future your wife realizes that she does want you then it was worth it, if no, she doesn't then, yes, it was worth!!


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## CeeCee (Mar 11, 2011)

Troy,
I am in a pretty similar situation and it is so hard to deal with the past few years. If we make it it will be 30 years this fall. I feel like the both of us have melted down and there isn't any place to go at this point. We barely speak and when we do it turns in to big mean arguments. There are trust issues also. When I read some of your post it sounds like it could be me or my husband saying the exact same things. How do we let our marriages get this bad? Going back if i could I would so have done things different or would have demanded we get into counseling before things deterioted this bad there may have been a chance but now I totally question each and every day.
I'll keep reading your posts and see how things are going on for you. Good luck


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Have you found out who your wifes boyfriend is it yet? It prolly started 2 years ago when her attitude changes.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

troy said:


> The difference is I was always sensitive to the state of our relationship and tried to live in a way to keep conflict to a minimum. So I frequently avoided telling her how I felt, or my opinion on many issues; big mistake - now I know.


Man, tell me about it!


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Is there another man? possible, but I don't know. I do know she has male friends she talk to about her emotional issues. EA is possible, PA? At this point I prefer not to spy to find out if there is an affair going on because it will only make things even more difficult for me.

I fully expect for one of us to move out within the next 2-3 months, so I see no point in adding to my pain by probing in her life.

not recognizable:

Its difficult to get through each day living together in the same house without talking to the one you love. Yesterday we walked passed each other in the house without even saying a word. The anxiety is very high and I am trying hard to keep from saying anything that will start an argument; so I dont say anything. 

I agree its better to get out now and end it. As bad as it is I cannot get myself to leave right now. I told her she can leave anythime she wants, but she has not left yet. 

Saturday night I dreamed we were together again and I woke up feeling really good, only to realize it was only a dream; this is torture.

My daughter's court date is in 2 days so I am a bit anxious what will happen with her; I'm praying its only probation and/or community service. 
These are rough days for my kids also.

I think I will stick with the plan to wait another month to see what the kids will decide to do with college before I decide what to do with my life. I will keep trying my best to keep the peace in the house until then. I am looking forward to the day when all this is behind me and I can start living again.

Thanks for all your advice and support.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

There's no communication. You can image, there are tons of misunderstandings going on.

My husband and me communicate everyday. We seldom fight but we still have misunderstandings here and there.

After the misunderstandings are cleared, perhaps, there's a possiblity that you would find she still loves you? Even her mouth sounds heartless? If she still holds a small candle with a tiny flame for you in her heart. You can always turn that small candle into a great torch but you will need to ignore her heartless poking and comments first.

The greater the resentment, the greater the love she withdrawed. So you can image how much love she's withdrawed and how much she used to love you. She still has feelings for you? 

Why don't you try to woo her as if you have just met her like before? She's acting as if she's a total stranger now, so it would make the wooing more real?

The horse is dying and you already want to give it up anyway, never mind giving the horse a last shot?

Try to woo her for 3 months, if she won't open her heart to you a bit, you need to wait for your kids until summber? So, make sure you look charming and handsome and bring her to the very old place/restaurant/beach/cafe.. where she fell in love with you. 

Get her a little gift (necklace, maybe?)

Buy her a bundle of flowers and ask her for a date? 

Date her, because she will be gone from you life forever, very soon.

Grasp the last moment when you still can say you love her. She might not love you back, nevertheless, dance with her for the last waltz without worrying and thinking too much.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I have been working on making myself a better man, husband, and father for the past year. Doing more around the house, helping her out, spending time with the kids, etc. The biggest change I made was to give up drinking. This was a big problem for her and I made the change. It was not easy but I did it for me, my wife, my kids, and my marriage.

I tried romancing her for a few months, but she was not responsive at all so I stopped. Here is the reality.

She has moved on thats why she stopped talking to me.
Do not want anything from me: flowers, b'day gifts, dinner, movie - nothing (I offered her the world - house, car, vacation)
When she says something its very brief and cold (Yes, No..)
She is emotionless.
All her phone conversation is in her room so I cant hear what she is saying (we sleep in separate rooms)
She has a lot of resentment that she refuses to let go of.
She does not believe she did anything wrong to hurt the marriage.
She is always right.
The kids are closer to her.
She does not share ANYTHING with me.
She has many male friends I dont know.

Just typing this list made me realize how bad things are. This is depressing so I will stop now.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Reading this brings me tears.
Are you still financially supportive to her and the family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

friendly said:


> Reading this brings me tears.
> Are you still financially supportive to her and the family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I am. We pretty much split the expenses so this works out well.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

not recognizable:
I indulged in the smoke too years ago, but it did not have a good effect on me. It kept me up instead of helping me to sleep. Made me forget things and made me hungry all the time. I think I'll pass - lol - and stick to exercise and a hot bath when I need some sleep.


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