# His online affair, why am I to blame



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

7 yrs ago my husband left our bedroom. He chose to sleep and hang out in a spare bedroom which became "The Pit". At the time I thought the two teenagers and money was getting to him. He needed a place to chill. Over the years I would push to get him back into our bedroom to at least sleep. Sex was nonexistant. I was Ok with it, I could live without it, I was happy that he was there to share life with. We were friends before we were lovers and married. Then in Oct of 2009 I found his email open on the home computer and wala there it was. An online affair. I was devistated. I never ever thought he would do this. I confronted, left to stay with oldest, taking 3rd and youngest with. Spent 3 days trying to decide if I wanted to repair 28 yrs or get out now. We talked and decided to get help and work it out. 
Now here I am over a year later and I still feel like I'm being blamed for his wandering. We decided today after 4 weekends of fighting to give the marriage counseller another try. This time we want a counseller who knows nothing about either of us. He felt last one was biased. I thought he was sleeping through us talking. 

Hubby says I should take blame for marriage going bad and he claims he gave up on marriage is why he wandered. 
I feel he walked away from marriage when he left our bedroom. He claims I didn't give him sex, affection, companionship, respect, etc. 
I tried every once in a while, but the fact that he didn't respond left me hurt and not wanting to make it a daily kick in the gut. I became depressed, quit life and am suffering for it with my health in ruins. 
When we first started putting things back together I was thrilled. I had my husband back. Then he started working for his family and travelled out of town to stay with them for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. All the repair went to pieces and we are back to day 4 after affair. 

Is it fair of him to expect me to take any blame for the affair? I say no. I didn't force him, he chose. 

I expect him to show me love not say I love you. Am I wrong in expecting him to court me and prove he wants me not the others?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He's responsible for his actions.

You are responsible for neglecting your relationship when it started going south.

Many spouses ignore the idea that their spouse should be a priority for them. They put their personal feelings of rejection ahead of their relationship. When places like "The Pit" become a reality, it's a red flag that should be addressed.

It's more difficult to address it now.

But, it's not impossible.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

No, the affair is not your fault. He is responsible for his own actions. 


If he felt the marriage was over he should have been man enough to talk to you about it and not slip around and have an affair. That was HIS choice.

Maybe you should have acted a little sooner with the marriage counseling but that is the only thing I can see you did wrong.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

It takes two to make a marraige work. It takes two to destroy it. He needs to accept his responsibilty for the destruction of your marraige. Where in your vows does it say if I she doesn't treat me right, I can go have an affair? I know of no clauses in my vows. He cheated,not you. 

Don't fall for the guilt trip. You may have done things wrong but that does not excuse him going outside of the marraige.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

I couldn't have said it better myself, tamara24! When you get married you know that there's going to be work ahead of you. When problems arise you really only have 3 choices: 1) work it out, 2) accept it, or 3) leave. For all three of them there is also a transition phase. What you do during that phase is all about integrity and if your husband's choice was to lie, sneak around, have an affair, continue to lie, etc., etc., that's a reflection of his character.


----------



## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

I'm in a similar position right now, I think. I feel like she's to blame for the EA, but I'm the one who needs to initiate repairing the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Whose fault is it?" Is absolutely and utterly the wrong frame of reference, presuming you want to repair the marriage.

Any marriage counselor worth their salt should be able to convey that message to the both of you loud and clear.

He made an extraordinarily bad choice.

Like it or not ... there are reasons behind why he made that extraordinarily bad choice. Reasons to which you BOTH contributed.

Those reasons are what needs to be addressed, not 'why' he pursued an emotional affair. Getting caught up in that is just spinning wheels.


----------



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Ouch half of you seem to think, it seems like he does. The other half seem to think like me. 

Conrad, you hit me with "You are responsible for neglecting your relationship when it started going south." Would you like to explain or add to that?

Shouldn't he be responsible for this also? Perhaps a bit more than I. I feel he should have said something. Why should I be the "marriage Keeper"? I wasn't unhappy. In my eyes, my marriage was not based on intimacy. 

Corgan, "I should have tried harder"? I feel I did try, he didn't. In this 6yr period he never came to "our bed" or suggested time alone, dinner out, etc. 
I suppose those were clues when he replied all the time, I'm to tired, we can't afford it. 
To me these were the norm because for 29 yrs of marriage and 2 yrs of prior living together he claimed headaches, tiredness etc, when I suggested things. 
Lets get things a bit clearer. I am a very sexual lady. He did not lack for excitment in the bedroom. That is why this is such a punch in the stomach for me. He didn't need to go looking for sex in anyway. Though that was the main statement on his profile.

I feel he left me and I made a big step saying I want you, I love you, and lets make this work. 
Now I feel he should be working twice as hard to prove to me that I'm the special one in his life. But I don't feel he is. He just sits there. When I try to tell him what I need him to do, he jumps in and starts accusing me of constant *****ing, over and over the same thing. He says I won't take blame for the ruined marriage. With all the things he throws at me, I just feel that he is still blaming me fully for his wandering. Its like he still needs to reinforce that blame.


----------



## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

"Whose fault is it" is absolutely necessary to figure out before moving forward with anything. Not that you want to berate an issue to death, but there's no reconciling, no accountability, no learning from mistakes, if you simply "move forward" without establishing this piece. 

Don't be willing to settle for mistake after mistake and half ass apologies. That mentality just sets you up for a one sided marriage.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

MariaR said:


> "Whose fault is it" is absolutely necessary to figure out before moving forward with anything. Not that you want to berate an issue to death, but there's no reconciling, no accountability, no learning from mistakes, if you simply "move forward" without establishing this piece.
> 
> Don't be willing to settle for mistake after mistake and half ass apologies. That mentality just sets you up for a one sided marriage.


No. No. No. It is not necessary to find out who's to blame. It IS necessary for each to understand their part in the marital breakdown, but no one person is responsible. 

What must be done is for both parties to make a commitment to doing things differently then was done in the past. That comes with personal inventory, not by playing the blame game. Blaming the other will do more damage than good.


----------



## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> No. No. No. It is not necessary to find out who's to blame. It IS necessary for each to understand their part in the marital breakdown, but no one person is responsible.
> 
> What must be done is for both parties to make a commitment to doing things differently then was done in the past. That comes with personal inventory, not by playing the blame game. Blaming the other will do more damage than good.


I understand what you're saying... I really do. I'm on my 2nd marriage and have figured out that it's easy to be selfish and to hurt someone. And it's easy to take them for granted and to keep saying I'm Sorry because you know your spouse loves you and will want to forgive you in order to move forward and stay married. But if you're not looking in the mirror and recognizing your selfishness and try make real changes, you will continue to be the one causing the hurt. If you are the spouse that keeps forgiving without holding them accountable, then you're a doormat. (Sorry for the harshness, but been there, done that.) 

Calling someone on their BS isn't necessarily playing the blame game. I agree with taking personal inventory, but most that are the "takers" in a marriage usually have a difficult time with this piece and end up getting defensive. Working on the marriage means breaking it down. That includes looking at patterns and triggers. But if much of that ends up pointing in one direction, stand up and take responsibility for it. Then you can move forward with a clean slate. 

heartbroken, the problem is that so many years have passed, where do you begin?? Will you even be able to find out the triggers that got your marriage to where it is today??

Guilt is a funny thing. We don't like to carry it around when we've done something we feel guilty about and so we give it to someone else to carry for us. That's what your husband is doing. If the blaming is about "we are having some issues and I want us to fix this before it gets too big for either of us to handle", then yes break it down. If the blaming is about "it's your fault I cheated"... well, I think a big part of the problem is a bad attitude. Can you get past it and move forward? Maybe... but is it worth it??


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Blame is exactly why heartbroken expects her husband to work 'twice as hard' to win her heart back. And instead, she is twice as disappointed when he doesn't.

The problem with that?

He doesn't think that way at all. From his perspective ... she is to blame. If both parties have committed to reconciling, as the poster above stated, it's about each owning their own behavior and shortcomings where the relationship is concerned. If only one, or worse, neither of the partners are willing to take that step, then there cannot possibly be a reconciliation about making the relationship stronger and healthier.

It isn't even clear that he is truly invested in reconciliation.


----------



## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Blame is exactly why heartbroken expects her husband to work 'twice as hard' to win her heart back. And instead, she is twice as disappointed when he doesn't.
> 
> The problem with that?
> 
> ...


Problems are problems and marriage is full of them. It's all a negotiation because we are all different. There is give and take and in a lot of instances you are going to be disappointed. But when you step outside the boundaries... sorry. 

Though the counselors are all right about needing to do to focus on the commitment piece and to move forward, the part they can't help you with is that you lose just a little bit of self-respect in the process.


----------



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

We met with a different counsel this past weekend. She was very good at getting him to open up. I felt it was a very successful session. 
He said something in talking that gave me some inside info to a question that I wasn't getting an answer to. "When he found the online affair unfulfilling he quit. This is when I found the emails. He explained that he did not know what he wanted from the affair or a relationship either." Bingo no wonder I never get an answer. I have been berating him for 18mths "Why did you do this? What did you want? What do you want? etc. If he had no idea himself, how in the world could he answer me, and sure he felt like I was repeating the same old fight. 
Now I can put that set of questions to rest for a while. Eventually I expect him to be able to answer them.


----------

