# Can't move on after 9 months



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

This is my original story:

"My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and I found through an email that he had been going for erotic massages when out of town at a certain business to a certain person. He says he only went twice.

He says he has never done anything else before and we have a really good relashionship otherwise.

He says that he got a nude on nude massage with happy ending (hand job). He could touch the woman and she was touching him with all body parts.

I cannot get over this whole thing and have been going to counselling for two months, but not really getting anywhere.

I'm just appalled at the whole thing. I'm thinking I just can't handle this betrayal.

Some people (men) say this is not really cheating, but I feel it is. He said he would have continued if he hadn't been caught.

Says he will never do it again as it has caused him so much grief."

I am now 9 months past all of this and still cannot seem to move on. I've ended couselling in July as my cousellor just told me it's time to move on.

I can't seem to let go of the resentment of the betrayal to get on with life. My husband has tried to help with Caribbean vacation, time together, basically whatever I want, but it doesn't help. Am I crazy or what?

Has anyone got any ideas about what I could do?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

im a man, i think you have every right to feel the way you do. if my wife told me that she did this for instance, i would friggin flip out. its cheating in my book


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Is he remorseful? It does not sound like it based on your post, and I suspect that is a large part of the problem you are having. There is nothing unreasonable about you feeling that way. He cheated and hurt you. Has he gone to counseling, either with you or individually?


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

"won't do it again as it has caused you grief" ??? 

I don't even know what to say to that. How about, won't do it again because I should have never done it in the first place!?

I wonder if you're going to counselling because you feel you have to try to get over this, but your heart/intuition is telling you otherwise.. Could that be it?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Seems like you could define cheating two ways...

1) if you did the same thing, would he think you cheated, or
2) does it feel like cheating to you? 

If you feel cheated on, it doesn't really matter if other men would say it was not "technically" cheating. You either have to get past it or not based on how it felt to you. Personally if I did this, I'd feel like I cheated, or if my wife did similar, I'd wig out. 

It seems like as much a trust thing as anything. And that's hard to rebuild. Good luck.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

confused55 said:


> This is my original story:
> 
> "My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and I found through an email that he had been going for erotic massages when out of town at a certain business to a certain person. He says he only went twice.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are crazy at all. 

Just wondering if your husband has actually acknowledged the pain this whole thing has caused you? You mention that he said he won't do it again because of the grief it has caused HIM but has he ever shown remorse for how much his actions have affected you? 

I'm also wondering why you were the only one that went to councelling - if it wasn't for your husband's actions you wouldn't need to be seeing one. So the way I see it is, his actions caused the problem at hand so he needs to be part of the solution for it to work. 

Personally, it seems to me that maybe your healing block comes from the fact you know that if he hadn't been caught out he would still be doing it (his words). That's basically saying that he sees nothing wrong with what he's done regardless of how it makes you feel. He's only stopped because he got caught and it's brought him grief, not because it was the right thing to do for you or the relationship. 

No wonder you are having trouble letting go....how the heck do you trust someone who has as much as admitted they'd continue decieving you if they had their way? 

Answer - you can't.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks for all of your comments. I should mention a few more details.

My husband said that some of the reasons he went to the massage were: overly stressed from a demanding job (has quit it now), being thousands of miles from home for work, was told about it from co-workers and had the temptation to do it. He had been previously using a lot of porn which I didn't know about, so he says this was somehow the next step. He said he would never do this type of activity at home or in our part of the country.

The steps he has taken:

Gone to counselling for a few months, quit the job (which he loved and was the job of a lifetime for him), trying to rebuild our marriage by doing lots of things together and always putting me first, not to mention the pleading and crying for me not to kick him out of the house.

He said he was heading down a dangerous road and didn't even realize it and doesn't know where it all would have headed if he hadn't been caught. He says he can't believe how he could have ever done it, looking back now.

My rules are: he can never go back to that area of the country, if he is ever out of town locally for work that I have full reports and talk on the phone every night. When he goes out for a beer after work, he can only stay for two hours and then I pick him up. No more golf holidays or sporting events in other cities with friends anymore.

He says he will never look at porn again because it changed his way of thinking. I am monitoring this and haven't seen any signs of it in the past 9 months.

I gave him far too much freedom and trust before, things have changed.

He used to go to watch hockey, football games, golf tournaments ( the big one) in Georgia and in cities all over North America.

I am putting on my bi*** pants, which isn't natural for me, but I'm working on it.

With all of these changes, I'm still in a bad place.


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## katy929 (Oct 27, 2011)

I am sorry this is cheating because if he thought it was not cheating you would not have to find out this by searching an email he would have told you just like when he tells you about anything else normally. He is just sorry now because he was caught.


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