# I need some advice



## kitkateybug (Jun 9, 2012)

I've been married for five years, we had another fight yesterday and the question "do you know what makes me happy" came up. I did not have an acceptable answer, in both our opinions. He has a favorite game, he watches some soccer games. That's all I know. He usually comes home from work upset or grumpy because he hates his job (I don't blame him there) and I always have dinner ready for him to try to cheer him up. But if that doesn't work, I really don't know what will. He does not like walking soon after he gets home so I know not to suggest a walk until 7 or 8 o'clock. I don't know what to do after feeding him dinner, it's like I always leave it up to him. He brought this up yesterday and he's right, I just never thought about it before. So now I'm not sure what to do and I'm hoping someone here can help me, please. I feel like a bad wife, I feel like I'm the reason for our almost weekly arguments and verbal fights.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, first, no, you're not a bad wife. You're a good wife, because you are trying to figure out what makes him happy. So go you!

He seems to be trying to say that you don't really "get" him, so I think maybe you should listen more closely -- both to what he says and what he doesn't say.

What does make him happy? I don't know, but I don't live with him. You do. Start listening. Start noticing whether he responds enthusiastically or just passively.

Honestly, five years and "soccer" is all you know? I think you are underestimating yourself. Sit down and make a list. What's his favorite TV show? What kinds of movies does he like? Does he like big parties or intimate gatherings? Does he like to play video games? Does he like board games or would he rather slit his wrists? Does he like going to hear live music in huge arenas or in intimate club settings? Or not at all? Does he like to swim? Does he like to putter around in the garage?

I'm betting you know him a lot better than you give yourself credit for. So get to work and figure out what it is he'd like to do, don't make him do all the work! And good luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kit,
The real question was: What can YOU as my WIFE do that shows me you love me and are willing to make the effort to demonstrate that. 

Why are you talking about what games/tv shows he likes? That stuff has nothing to do with whether your marriage survives because his games/tvs are portable. 

1. How often do you have sex with him? Why the heck don't you know if he is happy with your sex life? You have never once mentioned it. Only cooking and cleaning. 
2. If he is really unhappy about sex, the rest of your efforts won't matter much

The 5 love languages book has quizzes - why don't you take them? 





kitkateybug said:


> I've been married for five years, we had another fight yesterday and the question "do you know what makes me happy" came up. I did not have an acceptable answer, in both our opinions. He has a favorite game, he watches some soccer games. That's all I know. He usually comes home from work upset or grumpy because he hates his job (I don't blame him there) and I always have dinner ready for him to try to cheer him up. But if that doesn't work, I really don't know what will. He does not like walking soon after he gets home so I know not to suggest a walk until 7 or 8 o'clock. I don't know what to do after feeding him dinner, it's like I always leave it up to him. He brought this up yesterday and he's right, I just never thought about it before. So now I'm not sure what to do and I'm hoping someone here can help me, please. I feel like a bad wife, I feel like I'm the reason for our almost weekly arguments and verbal fights.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Uhhhhh....Ask him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope he doesn't want you to be responsible for his happiness. Don't fall into that trap.

Maybe approach this as a mystery to be solved and start hunting down clues. Ask him, his parents, his friends, take notes, make lists. Watch for signs, note how he reacts when he likes something vs when he doesn't. Involve him, do it together. Then do the same for you.

There's a great book by John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that has a bunch of cool exercises in it that you do together and they really help a lot.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hope,
It has always seemed to me that there were two completely separate pieces to this:
1. Your overall happiness - you fully own this
2. A part of (1) above is certainly your happiness with individual relationships in your life. If you "fully own this as well" then that includes ending relationships that you feel are bad for you 

He is acting the way I do, before I bail. 








Hope1964 said:


> I hope he doesn't want you to be responsible for his happiness. Don't fall into that trap.
> 
> Maybe approach this as a mystery to be solved and start hunting down clues. Ask him, his parents, his friends, take notes, make lists. Watch for signs, note how he reacts when he likes something vs when he doesn't. Involve him, do it together. Then do the same for you.
> 
> There's a great book by John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that has a bunch of cool exercises in it that you do together and they really help a lot.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This seems odd to me. It isn't about "him", it is about them. The five love languages conversation is maybe a half hour. Why turn a question about how nice the apple tastes into a project to decode the genome of the apple tree?

Love busters: he doesn't like that she complains about money, since he is working 6 days a week
He dislikes the way she talks about things in the abstract: "I am frustrated with our financial situation" = I am frustrated with YOU, I can't find a job and you don't make enough. This is not an offer to cut back,'it's a way to express disappointment in your male partners provider skills. It comes across as "figure out how to make more money"

Love languages: the guy who works days a week to support her, she doesn't even know what he likes/wants from her.

She is choosing to ask the abstract "what makes you happy" instead of the tangible, what can I do to make you happy.




Hope1964 said:


> I hope he doesn't want you to be responsible for his happiness. Don't fall into that trap.
> 
> Maybe approach this as a mystery to be solved and start hunting down clues. Ask him, his parents, his friends, take notes, make lists. Watch for signs, note how he reacts when he likes something vs when he doesn't. Involve him, do it together. Then do the same for you.
> 
> There's a great book by John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that has a bunch of cool exercises in it that you do together and they really help a lot.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

He is just his frustrations out on you and it's not fair. Don't feel like a bad wife, tell him that instead of asking you if you know what he likes, he should just TELL you what will make him happy.


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