# Something's up, and it ain't his d!#k ...



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

So, I posted on here a few nights ago, had initiated sex, husband turned me down. We've been married for three years. There have been many ups and downs in our sex life. The most we've gone without sex is 4 mths where I then discovered he had a porn addiction and was spending $ on online live cams. With some therapy we got through that phase. Now I can't get him to f*€k me for the life of me. It's quite hard to grasp that a hubby is doing the rejection. Hurtful too. I've become resentful and it's not doing my mind, body, or health any good. 

Some people suggested he might be having an affair, in which I made it clear that I was absolutely sure he's not, as we are very open with one another when it comes to our electronic devices. 

I stated the facts - he's jobless, stressed, and has used that factor as an excuse for no intimacy. When I initiated a few nights ago he refused me, said his "body was too tired and he just wanted to sleep".. Well it's been almost a week, he hasn't initiated and I sure as hell don't plan to initiate once more. 

New info - we were laying in bed tonight, each one on our phones, he was supposed to be looking for jobs, Craigslist, monster, etc ... I hop on top of him, not trying to initiate at all, just being playful and affectionate, it's in my nature. So I'm showering him with kisses on his face, tugging at his hair, and so forth. He suggests get behind me (he's sleeping on his side) and massage my back a bit. I'm ok with that. I have a tendency to do that on my own without his request anyway. I hop behind him, he's still on his phone, on google, he's about to type something when the scroll box search history thingy pops up, and what do you know, he's been searching "showgirls in town" , nearest "bars and nightclubs". 

I gotta mention he's been going out all week to "job search". He leaves for 7-8 hrs. Might I add his searches begin at 9pm and last until 3-4 am. He then continues to sleep throughout the day. Wakes up mid afternoon. And repeat. Well I've mentioned to him that his job searching from 9pm and up isn't going to get him anywhere. Now I'm starting to think he's not even job searching. Ugh. I really am frustrated. And so hurt. At the end of the rope. I would love to purchase a VAR but don't have the car to myself. It's either with him, or if I go out he's with me. Am I overreacting? Am I thinking too far into this? Has my resent for our lack of sex life started to make me hallucinate maybe?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Going out to look for jobs between 9pm and 3am? Phone searches for the location if the nearest night clubs and strip clubs? Those are red flags and they seem shady in conjunction with his sexual rejection.

Check your phone bill and Internet histories and credit cards and bank statements for unusual activity. 

Any other indication that he's straying?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

moxy said:


> Going out to look for jobs between 9pm and 3am? Phone searches for the location if the nearest night clubs and strip clubs? Those are red flags and they seem shady in conjunction with his sexual rejection.
> 
> Check your phone bill and Internet histories and credit cards and bank statements for unusual activity.
> 
> Any other indication that he's straying?


That's the thing. I'm not being naive. If I was the least suspecting I'd dig and then call him out on it. But up until tonight I feel like he's kept his facade. He doesn't get any suspicious phone calls, no texts, etc and if anyone calls he takes his calls in front of me. 

He did make it clear that he does go to bars/lounges/pubs - for job searching, cause that's where "the guys" hang out and he "has a chance to meet other guys" - so then his chances to get a job might increase. :/ I'm clueless.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I think it is the last thing you should do spying his phone etc. But didn't you directly ask him what it was when this window popped up?
Anyway simply ask him what he did do last night to search a job, were he went etc. Or better still, tell him that you saw this window popping up and if it's the usual way to search jobs. However, if he didn't have a job since a very long time he might even consider doing this kind of jobs (unlikely)?


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

I would be pretty suspicious at this point. As I have said before, I cannot comprehend turning down a beautiful, hot and horny for me wife. My d/¢k would be busting out of my own skin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> That's the thing. I'm not being naive. If I was the least suspecting I'd dig and then call him out on it. But up until tonight I feel like he's kept his facade. He doesn't get any suspicious phone calls, no texts, etc and if anyone calls he takes his calls in front of me.
> 
> He did make it clear that he does go to bars/lounges/pubs - for job searching, cause that's where "the guys" hang out and he "has a chance to meet other guys" - so then his chances to get a job might increase. :/ I'm clueless.


No offence, but why do you insist he's not cheating when he's gone from 9 at night to 3 in the morning on a daily basis? And what kind of job is he looking for? I've NEVER heard of anyone doing a job search like that! 

C


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

fallensoilder, first I wish my wife would be as loving and playful as you. He should be grateful!!!!!

I agree with others, he may be using other means than you in meeting his sexual needs. 

Hate to say this but I would go PI and begin snooping. Collect evidence of him doing things he is not supposed to be doing but do not confront! Use this information to better understand your situation then determine how you would like to deal with it.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

He may be frustrated with the job situation, but snap out of it and man up. Get your act together and take care of the family first and your porn/strip clubs later. Plus he should be glad that you still want to bang him while he's not carrying his weight.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Trust your gut instinct and by the way love your thread title 

Wish i could wave a magic wand and he would disappeared and a new loving man was put in to replace him.

Whether it is now or years down the line and a few STD's later, you choose, i say it is not worth it because i think that is all he has to give you.

Being with a man like that just chips away at your self esteem and makes you feel less and less desirable as a woman, till you feel totally devalued.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offence, but why do you insist he's not cheating when he's gone from 9 at night to 3 in the morning on a daily basis? And what kind of job is he looking for? I've NEVER heard of anyone doing a job search like that!
> 
> C


:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he taking you for a ride. wake up for crying out loud!!!!!!! hes looking for job when everything is closed... what kind of job did he have? was he a stripper? bat tender? 

this guy is masterbating and night clubbing probably meeting up with whos knows and neglecting the wife who works and pays the bills. 

he is taking advantage of you and IMHO dosn't love you. people who love you don't do this type of stuff. you would be better off without this a$$ in your life. ....


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get him to a doctor for an evaluation. It sounds like he is depressed and may need medication. In the meantime, I think the PI work is a good idea. It sounds like he is feeling unworthy of you. You seem like a good wife.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think I will echo the sentiments of many in this thread. He is unemployed but only going out 'job hunting' from 9 p.m. until 4 a.m., has no interest in sex and is making no effort to get in the mood and generally seems to be taking you for granted. It looks like an affair and he sounds like a mooch.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

In your other thread I agreed that he was depressed.

I also remember you saying you make his appointments. My guess is that he does that so he can have his free time. Seriously... who looks for jobs in bars unless he's a bartender but even then they don't interview you during their busy time.

I think he's playing you, and you shouldn't have sex with him until he's tested for STD's.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

fallensoldier said:


> I gotta mention he's been going out all week to "job search". He leaves for 7-8 hrs. Might I add his searches begin at 9pm and last until 3-4 am. He then continues to sleep throughout the day. Wakes up mid afternoon. And repeat. Well I've mentioned to him that his job searching from 9pm and up isn't going to get him anywhere. *Now I'm starting to think he's not even job searching.*


Gee, ya think? 'The guys' hang out there and they will get him a job? Seriously?? What a fvcked up way to get a job.

PLEASE wake up to what he is doing. He is a master at keeping you from suspecting anything, and I think you are very naive. 

What would he say if you went 'job hunting' with him?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Time for the 180.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My H has been out of work for months, but he's never gone to a club to smooze with guys. Networking is very important in this job environment, but guys who are checking out women's who-ha's at a club are not thinking to themselves "this guy would be perfect for that job"


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Either you tell him right away what you think or you simply pack his stuff together and change the lock of the house. Someone who searches a job is not up in the morning???
Maybe yes he is depressed and all that but you won't help him neither yourself by accepting his behaviour. He must adress his issues himself.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Yeaaaah, something is def fishy. I haven't posted in a while because I'm trying to put my finger on what it is he's been up to. 

Update: 

Well, last weekend we got into an argument, now that I look back at our arguments I'm starting to believe that he purposely picks a fight to leave the house - so that's what happened, he left said he won't be long, just wanted to get away from our problems. It was 4 pm. He texts me at 9 pm, saying he was in a far away area (2hrs away), that someone told him of a few job opening in that area and he went to apply. He came home at 4 am, tried to make up for his fight, I asked where he'd been, what he'd done, what happened, did YOU get a job?? He says the guy said he'll call ... Hmmm
So next morning I get in the car, turn on the gps, lo and behold, there are names of big casinos in our state - 70 miles away. I haven't said anything about it yet. Gathering my evidence. It's going to be a nice confrontation. 

Then tonight, I'm in the shower and he comes in says his friend texted him, told him "let's meet up tonight" I said "ok, where you going??" he says "where we always go, you know ..." and I say "ummm, no I don't know, where is it that you always go?" he said "well we go to a restaurant/hookah lounge" .. I said ok have fun! He goes in to shower after me, and I go thru his phone, friend says "hey you up for some clubbing tonight?!" he replies "yes!" friend tells him "ok, I'll meet you at the door, I got VIP tickets!" 

He just left. I'm trying to contain my feelings and emotions. I don't want this to go wrong, I want the confrontation and evidence to slap him in the face.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Yeaaaah, something is def fishy. I haven't posted in a while because I'm trying to put my finger on what it is he's been up to.
> 
> Update:
> 
> ...


what exactly about this person do you love?
are your afraid of being alone? 
do you think you will have trouble finding someone else?

I'd rather be alone than be with someone who only takes advantage of me and don't pull there own weight.

you don't have to give him any explination hes whoring around and partying it up as you foot the bill.kick his a$$ to the curb.

if you try to have a confrontation he will just sweet talk you into a few more months/years of taking advantage of you.

good luck


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

I think it's over. Do you even want to sleep with this guy anymore?

While he's gone I might be packing his bags for him.

You do everything for him. You take care of him. You pay for him. He goes out and, zero doubt, flirts with other women wearing the clothes you bought, cleaned, and folded. Texts friends with the phone you pay for.

He's not a man.

And even if he is depressed, it's not an excuse for all this stuff.

You're young and you don't have kids with him. You married a loser. Get out now.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

You need to run, he is definitely screwing around, and if he isn't yet, he will be soon. As you describe yourself, you will have no problem finding a real man...trust me. There aren't many women like you left, don't let this a-hole reduce you to less than yourself.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Be careful, AIDS is still out there, as is herpes and syphllis, Hep. C. 

Don't sleep with him until you have long conversation about whether he is being sexually active at these strip clubs and casinos.

Don't jeaporadize your health. 

He is up to something, his stories are total BS


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

Umm... how can he afford to go clubbing every night? He doesnt work, where does he get the money? If hes got UE coming in, I would assume it goes to bills? 

Have you checked bank records to see where the money is coming from and how much he is spending?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Relic said:


> I think it's over. Do you even want to sleep with this guy anymore?
> 
> While he's gone I might be packing his bags for him.
> 
> ...


Dang. You sound like my dad (he'd give you one big hug if he reads this!) And I'm starting to realize what he's been telling me for years is so true. I messed up big time when I married this dude. Biggest mistake of my life. And honestly? No, I don't want to sleep with him anymore. 

He came home from clubbing last night at 3 am, I went straight to bed when he got home, believe it or not he initiated! And believe it or not I turned him down! First time ever! Not feeling him anymore. It's just not there. Not the passion, not the love, not the respect. Heck I'm 27, and I've been fighting off divorce with this man since I married him at 23. I'm lying to myself! I'm in denial! Not anymore! I thought well, you fought the world to be with him, you wanted to prove them wrong. Only now am I realizing that I might have married him out of pity. I know that's a horrible horrible thing to say, but I've always had such a good heart and ppl use that to their advantage. He was a mess when I met him (still is) and I wanted to believe I could turn him into a man if I believed in him and stood by his side. I've spent over 15k just the past two months on our expenses and necessities. Oh and if I tell you how much I've spent and invested in him since I met him I guarantee you'll drop your jaws. I'm almost bankrupt. I am in over my head in debt, but I have a great job that I will not forsake or lose. Nuh uh! This guy's meeting the curb soon! 

Thank you all SO SO much for being there!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> what exactly about this person do you love?
> are your afraid of being alone?
> do you think you will have trouble finding someone else?
> 
> ...


You're 100% right. He came home last night, tried to initiate sex, I turned him down (never have before) and boy was he shocked! He goes "ur joking right?" and I'm like "absolutely not soldier boy, this girl's catching up on her beauty sleep, gnight!". He tried to figure out what "was wrong with me", now before I would've gone through the entire "we need to have a talk" convo and blah blah blah. Nope. Never again. I have a plan and will continue on my path, so I just told him I was tired and half asleep when he came home anyway. Not going to have those "you did this and I did that" convos anymore, because you're exactly right, I'll be 40 and still having them soon enough if I don't put my foot down now.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kev23 said:


> You need to run, he is definitely screwing around, and if he isn't yet, he will be soon. As you describe yourself, you will have no problem finding a real man...trust me. There aren't many women like you left, don't let this a-hole reduce you to less than yourself.


Thank you. I'll be out soon enough. It's going to hit him so hard he won't know what just took place, that I assure you of! Then we can all celebrate. Cake and juice on me somewhere, lol, I don't drink, sorry guys!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Try and force him to get a job if you can before you boot him out (not that I'm encouraging you to stay with him). Depending on where you live, you may end up owing him alimony, so get him to get a job, even if it is just pumping gas. Reduce that payment at least.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Most people don't realize that they're almost bankrupt until the financial situation has gone way beyond repair.

This may be a good thing for you.

Meet with a lawyer. When you do, make sure you disclose your financial situation and ask about alimony.

You may even want to have a conversation with a bankruptcy trustee before you get the ball rolling on the legal part of the break-up.

Find out if there is proper or better order to dealing with your financial problems.  

Maybe you can avoid alimony/support payments if a bankruptcy is declared at the proper time.

In addition to losing the guy, a bankruptcy will also represent a fresh start for you. 

It is a business decision and don't get hung-up with moral conflicts about this. 

I'm excited about your future prospects. You're 27...and a lot wiser than the girl you were a few short years ago. Your family will be there with moral support to help you start fresh. You're going to be a great catch for some lucky guy. And this time you'll have the wisdom to choose a guy that deserves you.

Don't be nervous about all this big decisions. Get energized and excited about getting rid of this dead weight and addressing the financial situation in a short period of time.

Maybe if your name is on the apartment lease and you're now on month-to-month, you could give your notice and consider a temporary move back home. Go home now while your time at the apartment runs out.

Keep us posted.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well, you never answered the question of what he does for money, so I need to be extemporaneous here.

Sounds like you are done.

My first suggestion is to Feed the Tigger (A tiger is manlike, thus inappropriate for him)

To wit, commisserate with him about his job situation. Say you're asking around. Be TOTALLY supportive, but not pushy. "Honey, you're trying so hard. I left you $50 ($100, $200) for dinner and maybe you could buy some friends a drink so your networking goes well."

Keep him wrapped in warm cotton wool in every realm save the sexual one (Did you realize that you just started suffering from a yeast infection? I just told you...Granted, it will end about the time the period starts...just suggesting) Cook favorite meals. Get him a nice suit (from Good Will naturally)

Meanwhile, you are getting your legal and financial ducks in order. A LOT of your friends are suddenly having social problems. Dumped boyfriends, late periods, fights with perfect guys, whining about how they DON'T have a guy. Surprisingly, all this drama is occuring with someone who is also a lawyer.

Get the paperwork in order.

Call Daddy. You are his girl (I have two of my own) Owning up to the mistake you made and apologizing will likely have INCREDIBLE effects. Just keep Daddy from doing anything rash like telling Hubby (or ripping his arms off...) and you might be pleasantly surprised at how much family support you get.

Have a get away bag in the car in case things get nasty. He has very little to lose and you are all of it.

Now, when the ducks are in a row, you get to choose how you want to deal with the problems. You can play with him a while (Oh...sorry. We need to cut back on expenses. No lunch money for you. Empty his gas tank before his clubbing. Oops, I shrunk your favorite shirt. So sorry!)

When this pales, drop the hammer on him. Tell all your girlfriend and all his boy friend's girlfriends about what he did (he doesn't get to hit on one of them when he's alone)

Then go and enjoy your life.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Your husband is a leech and is draining you dry! He is doing god knows what or who, while "job hunting" in the middle of the night. No one job hunts in the middle of the night.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Relic said:


> Most people don't realize that they're almost bankrupt until the financial situation has gone way beyond repair.
> 
> This may be a good thing for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this encouragement. I need it now more than ever. I took notes of your post a few days ago and am acting on your advice. I will update soon. Thanks again


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

JCD said:


> Well, you never answered the question of what he does for money, so I need to be extemporaneous here.
> 
> Sounds like you are done.
> 
> ...


Love this. It's so heartfelt. I appreciate every word. I'll be on my way to recovery soon. I know it'll be a tough one, but I'm a strong girl, always have been always will be. *deep breath*
And my dad is the sweetest. I'm so grateful to have him  

Thank you all so much. I cant say it enough.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Glad to hear you have taken steps to taking care of yourself fallensoldier. It's great to be a giving person like yourself, but be sure to always take a look at yourself as well and make sure you are getting what you need to. It sounds like you have done that now, so kudos. 

Things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better. Based on what you have written about your situation, they will get a lot better. Tons. If you are truly this awesome of a lady, you can easily find a guy that will not only respect you, he'll put you on a pedestal and hold days of tribute to your honor.

Assuming you do part ways with your husband, my biggest piece of advice for you would be to see a lawyer first to get a clear picture of where things lie for you now and going forward, get your finances back in order a bit, and stick aside some money for you to use when you leave. And I mean stick it aside by withdrawing it and giving it to a friend/family member to hold for you, or open a new account. Make it so he has no access to it.

Hopefully in the month or two it takes to do this, he'll get a job as well and you won't have as much to worry about in terms of supporting him post-divorce.

I don't agree with JCD's notion of giving him money considering your financial concerns, but I understand where JCD is coming from.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Fallensoldier I've seen some of your post. I honestly feel that you are quite driven and that ability to tackle challenges bleeds over into your relationship. This man has been playing you for a long time. He doesn't respect you and he DOES NOT appreciate you. Maybe you have this fantasy of one day him changing to the man you hoped he'd be. That's a fantastic fantasy but it is not reality. For you to put up with all this intrigues me. Question: If you meet a man who was everything you wanted how do you think you would be in the relationship? The way this relationship is now, you are a fixer. Fixers seek out projects. If there is nothing to fix, sometimes fixers create problems and shoot themselves in the foot when the meet better partners. I think the longer you stay in this relationship the more difficult it will be for your to have something healthy.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Glad to hear you have taken steps to taking care of yourself fallensoldier. It's great to be a giving person like yourself, but be sure to always take a look at yourself as well and make sure you are getting what you need to. It sounds like you have done that now, so kudos.
> 
> Things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better. Based on what you have written about your situation, they will get a lot better. Tons. If you are truly this awesome of a lady, you can easily find a guy that will not only respect you, he'll put you on a pedestal and hold days of tribute to your honor.
> 
> ...


Oh man, he's told me today he has an interview on Monday for a position at the Hilton -- boy do I have my fingers crossed. I'm trying my best to keep my composure with him until I do have everything complete. Dad is helping me as well. I'm so grateful for him. He knows so much more about the legal stuff, advising me to just go along with what he advises and does for now. I'm doing as he says - word for word - I know he won't be throwing me in front of a train, he's always been extra careful with me - then came along this guy that def didn't handle me with care - it killed my dad. 
My problem is I wear my heart on my sleeve - and it can get me in trouble. Right now I can't stand the sight of my husband - he just talks TOO much and irritates the crap out of me and I try my best to hide it but it just shows!! God grant me patience! 
As for looking after myself - I'm trying. It's very hard. I have a habit of tending to others way before myself, I'm known for that. I put myself last, and honestly it used to make me so happy just to see the ones I love happy. Now I'm trying to put myself first. My parents have been trying to get me to do this for so so long, still are, they say don't worry about anyone or anything, you first -- it brings tears to my eyes and I'm humbled by their treatment. 
As I am humbled by everyone elses treatment and kind words on here also. It means the world to me.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Fallensoldier I've seen some of your post. I honestly feel that you are quite driven and that ability to tackle challenges bleeds over into your relationship. This man has been playing you for a long time. He doesn't respect you and he DOES NOT appreciate you. Maybe you have this fantasy of one day him changing to the man you hoped he'd be. That's a fantastic fantasy but it is not reality. For you to put up with all this intrigues me. Question: If you meet a man who was everything you wanted how do you think you would be in the relationship? The way this relationship is now, you are a fixer. Fixers seek out projects. If there is nothing to fix, sometimes fixers create problems and shoot themselves in the foot when the meet better partners. I think the longer you stay in this relationship the more difficult it will be for your to have something healthy.


Answer :
First I must say I have patience. I think I might be the most patient human being on the face of this planet. Everyone that knows me can tell you so. However, I live by this rule, which I've told my husband about since day 1. Give me an inch, I'll give you 100. I promise. Give me hell, I'll destroy you. I promise. 
I can be the most caring, compassionate person ever, take you to heaven and back - and will go through hell for you -- Or I can be the devil. You choose. 

So, to answer your q - If I were to meet a man that is everything I ever wanted in a relationship, I assure you he'll be the happiest man walking the planet. And I don't say it out of being conceited or c•ck*y. I mean every word.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What if he pulls a good job out of his jock?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

JCD said:


> What if he pulls a good job out of his jock?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I don't think it'll be enough. I'm not done because of the lack of money he has. I'm not a money girl. Never have been, never will be. There's just no passion left. No attraction whatsoever.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Honestly, I don't think it'll be enough. I'm not done because of the lack of money he has. I'm not a money girl. Never have been, never will be. There's just no passion left. No attraction whatsoever.


Let's not forget the dishonesty. You could confront him on these things, but if you've checked out, why bother? How old are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm a little late to the party. Just read up on your situation. Uh yeah. Wow. Glad you finally opened your eyes to what was happening. You are young, pretty, very pretty actually, and you have a lot to offer a good man. You have a good dad. Give him a big hug and tell him you love him next time you see him. (I have a daughter, so I KNOW he would like that) 

Keep doing what your doing, sounds like you have it all dialed in now. Just keep the plan in motion. Don't tip your hand. And next time, don't fight everyone to prove they are wrong and marry someone they don't like. Your friends and your family love you. They are a good filter for men you should marry. Don't be so stubborn next time.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

JCD said:


> Let's not forget the dishonesty. You could confront him on these things, but if you've checked out, why bother? How old are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. I'm numb to his answers, his excuses and his lies. I just don't care to know anymore. I'm 27.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

sandc said:


> I'm a little late to the party. Just read up on your situation. Uh yeah. Wow. Glad you finally opened your eyes to what was happening. You are young, pretty, very pretty actually, and you have a lot to offer a good man. You have a good dad. Give him a big hug and tell him you love him next time you see him. (I have a daughter, so I KNOW he would like that)
> 
> Keep doing what your doing, sounds like you have it all dialed in now. Just keep the plan in motion. Don't tip your hand. And next time, don't fight everyone to prove they are wrong and marry someone they don't like. Your friends and your family love you. They are a good filter for men you should marry. Don't be so stubborn next time.


I agree 100%. Nothing's stopping me now - I promise. Thank you so much for the compliments and for all your kind words. 

You all are too sweet


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Foolish man to cause so much hurt to such a lovely women
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

homebuilder said:


> Foolish man to cause so much hurt to such a lovely women
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




His loss. I've wasted many years waiting for him to man up. No more. I've never been so patient with any human in my life. Or more caring and attentive. He was my soulmate and divorce was never a solution for me. Now unfortunately, it's the only solution.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

fallensoldier said:


> His loss. I've wasted many years waiting for him to man up. No more. I've never been so patient with any human in my life. Or more caring and attentive. He was my soulmate and divorce was never a solution for me. Now unfortunately, it's the only solution.


Yes! It is his loss!

I was so glad to get through your thread today and see how strong you are now. 

Best of luck fallensoldier... you deserve it!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Yes! It is his loss!
> 
> I was so glad to get through your thread today and see how strong you are today.
> 
> Best of luck fallensoldier... you deserve it!


Thanks sweets!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

sandc said:


> And next time, don't fight everyone to prove they are wrong and marry someone they don't like. Your friends and your family love you. They are a good filter for men you should marry. Don't be so stubborn next time.


Totally this. One thing that majorly pissed me off after my divorce was so many of my friends and family said "yeah, we could tell you weren't happy."

They ALL knew. Thing is, for the most part they didn't tell me what they saeen. My mom made a few comments at the beginning, but that was it. As it turned out, they all wondered why I was with my ex-wife. They said they didn't tell me because "would you have listened?"

I don't know if I would have or not, but at the very least I would have known how they felt and it may have spurred me to get out of there a bit earlier. Even if I had left after 6-7 years instead of 10 years, that's 3-4 years of my life saved. 

So yes, totally listen to the feedback your friends and family give and, even if it stings, accept it because they are only saying it for your benefit, not their's.

Btw Fallensoldier, I'm glad your dad is wise on the legal stuff, but unless he's a lawyer himself, I'd still suggest seeing one. Take dad with you, I'm sure he'd be supportive of that. I can tell you that when I first went to a lawyer, it was just a one hour consult and I had him answer a bunch of questions I had (granted I had kids involved and it sounds like you don't, so a lot of the bigger issues are out of the way for you). It might cost you $150-$400 depending on the lawyer you see, but it's money well spent if he brings to your attention even one thing that you didn't know or think of before hand.

It's also a good idea to source out a good lawyer before seperating because it'll give you the chance at a first strike in the divorce proceeding and leave him scrambling to catch up.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Totally this. One thing that majorly pissed me off after my divorce was so many of my friends and family said "yeah, we could tell you weren't happy."
> 
> They ALL knew. Thing is, for the most part they didn't tell me what they saeen. My mom made a few comments at the beginning, but that was it. As it turned out, they all wondered why I was with my ex-wife. They said they didn't tell me because "would you have listened?"
> 
> ...


Sorry I haven't posted in a while, my head is just all over the place and I'm trying my hardest to continue on with my plan --- using my head, putting the heart aside for now. 

Truthfully, my family didn't like him before they met him. I think that's part of the reason I didn't hear their opinions. They never gave him a chance. And then when they did meet him they went all out. My dad repeatedly told me I deserved so much more and was wondering why I was settling for a man that wasn't "on the same level as me -- in life". I thought that was unfair, and judgmental. I did not want them judging him according to his money, or lack of. And I was certainly feeling bad for the guy. He had been through "a lot" in his life, so he said, wasn't given a chance by anyone, even his own family had basically given up on him. It wasn't until after marriage (couple months) that I started seeing his true colors (duh) -- and yet I was still in denial. Didn't want to hear "I told you so" by anyone. 

Then a year and half into my marriage I just broke down, couldn't do it anymore --- had been patient long enough and it was starting to take a toll on my health and I was only 24. I couldn't believe who I'd become. I still cannot believe who I've become. I know my old self died the day I married him and any chance of revival is way after I'm done with him. Anything else is a lie. 

My dad isn't a lawyer, but thankfully he knows some big [email protected] ones and he's been an angel. I have the support of my entire family and it means the world to me right now. It gets hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cannot fake emotions. He's tried to initiate several times and well the "monthly" excuse has been used. Then he tried to kiss me and I -- honest to God -- don't know how this happened, but I just quickly turned my head to the side, it wasn't meant (like a reflex) kiss landed on my cheek. He was shocked. And so was I. And it's just so awkward at times. Things will be over soon enough, just trying to be patient. 

So, just a vent for now I guess - I could type for years -- and I do write in my journal for hrs -- I need to let everything out or I might just explode. Thanks for listening.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry to hear this but you are so lucky to have the support of your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thank goodness you finally saw " the light."


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Post here anytime fallensoldier. We are all here for you in support. I've been down a similar road before in life, so I feel your pain and right now is a hard time. It'll get better and then you have another hard time again down the road, but tough it out and get through it. There will be a bright day ahead, and it will lead to many bright days down the road. When you are with a new guy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, you'll look back on this day and smile and be glad you had the strength to walk through this.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Judgment is using past history and experience to form an informed decision about the future.

People who don't want to own how they will be perceived for their past actions want to cast it as hypocrisy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Update :

Well, this certainly sucks. Never in a million years would I have thought that at 27 I'd be starting all over again, in the process of a divorce. It's not easy, but no one ever promised it would be easy anyway. Made my bed, now I'm sleeping in it. For the time being anyway. 

I had a talk with my bro today. Opened up my eyes a bit more - also made my eyes cry - ugh, this is too painful. I've always been so so close to my family members, we're all pretty close knit, mom, dad, siblings. My marriage drifted me apart from them. And now I'm hearing things I wish I didn't, tough love I guess? 

First smack in the face was from bro, 25 years old, he's begging me to come home. Side note: I've probably not mentioned that husband and I live in separate states as my family. Getting all the support I can from them while they're many miles away. 

So, bro is practically begging - trying to get me to "see the light" to "wake up". And as I've mentioned before my egotistical self never heard it from them before, and well, I didn't want to hear it from him today. At first that is. Not that I had changed my mind - I haven't -- but I didn't want to hear the truth. Then I figured if I'm always going to do what I have been doing, I'm always going to get what I have been getting. And so I let him give it to me. It hurt. The worst part was the "kids talk" - I love and adore kids more than anything in this world. I always said I want to have a dozen (exaggeration of course). After marriage, well, the dozen became 3 then 2, and then a wave of my hand and "Blekh, what's the point anyway?" -- So bro's letting me have it at how much more I deserve, how much of a determined person I am, and strong willed. And how could a girl with my type of personality allow someone like husband to cause such damage to me, to wear me out, to take advantage of me and my good heart. Then he says "And you f*cking love kids, you worship kids! You haven't had any with him, you'll never have any with him. And deep down you know why! Not because you don't want them anymore! Because he's not who you want to have them with. And you continue to throw your life away with him!" --- boy did that put me in tears.  

it's the f*cking truth. It breaks my heart every time I see a child. I had my whole life planned out. I was checking things off my list. Everything was going as planned. I should have at least had one child by now. Now, I don't know if I ever will. This guy came at full speed, while I was going at my dreams full speed, crashed into me and crippled me. 

I really am grateful for my family though. They're ready to do whatever it takes to have me back and help me through this. I can't wait until I'm safely home. Just doing things the right way for now. And hoping he doesn't pick up on anything.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Stardusted said:


> Is he looking for stripper jobs? I don't know of any offices that have interviews at 9 PM.


Nope. Not stripper jobs -- more like strippers themselves. I love that I haven't told him what I know, but can beat around the bush, say a few words here and there, that I'm sure make him wonder how the hell I know - love seeing him break a sweat, trying to hide his anxiety. Ahhhh, the resent.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Stardusted said:


> Are you going to file for a separation?


Yes, in the process of doing so. I've always felt so bad for him, didn't have the heart to do it. Idk why exactly. Now I feel bad for myself for putting up with his bullcrap for so long. Then again, I still feel bad for him cause he's missing out on one heck of a woman that would've done (and did do) anything and everything to make him happy. No more though -- his time is up, way up.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

People like your husband get with strong people (with a good heart) because they know they will be able to lean on them, it's not uncommon a weak person to look for a strong person to lean on and suck the energy out of.
I know it suck's having to start over again but you 27, have no kids with this man and have a family who support you, the worlds your oyster.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Stardusted said:


> I'm glad your on your way to starting a fresh new life journey. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work but it seems like moving on is the best plan. Try not to invest yourself too much in catching him in lies or making him upset. You want the divorce proceeding to go smoothly. Concentrate on making a more comfortable emotional experience for yourself. Life's short.


:iagree::iagree:

Fallen,
Life is way to short to invest your time in men who are losers.
You are lucky, 
The Gods are smiling on you and you family still loves and support you emotionally.
You are still very young with no children.
Count your lucky stars 
_And run._


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Update :
> 
> Well, this certainly sucks. *Never in a million years would I have thought that at 27 I'd be starting all over again, in the process of a divorce. It's not easy,* but no one ever promised it would be easy anyway. Made my bed, now I'm sleeping in it. For the time being anyway.


Think of it this way. They say the average age people live to now is about 80. At 27, you have 2/3rds of your life left. That's plenty of time to do a lot of your dreams, including children, with someone who isn't a leech.



fallensoldier said:


> I had a talk with my bro today. Opened up my eyes a bit more - also made my eyes cry - ugh, this is too painful. I've always been so so close to my family members, we're all pretty close knit, mom, dad, siblings. My marriage drifted me apart from them. And now I'm hearing things I wish I didn't, tough love I guess?
> 
> First smack in the face was from bro, 25 years old, he's begging me to come home. Side note: I've probably not mentioned that husband and I live in separate states as my family. Getting all the support I can from them while they're many miles away.
> 
> ...


Be thankful for all of this quoted part. You have a very supportive family who sound non-judgemental (sure, he let you 'have it' so to speak, but did so with open arms and encouragement) and are there for you. That alone puts you so far ahead of the game it's not funny.

When I left, my family ws my rock too and I doubt I could have done without them, support wise, financially, physically, everything. They were great. I have a buddy who is in an emotionally abusive relationship in my opinion (he doesn't like to talk about it but from what I've gathered over the years, she treats him pretty badly at times). His mom is very old fashioned, to the point she told him that because he slept with her, he had better marry her or she'd basically disown him. If he left the marriage now, he'd have nowhere to turn. Nowhere to sleep even, and there just isn't any options for men around here (like most places in general) in terms of a safe house or shelter to go to stay. So what is he supposed to do?

Count your blessings in your family. I'm sure you already do by the sounds of it. They are likely seeing an opportunity to tell you all the things they've wanted to say about this guy for so long, it's just all spilling out now. Use that wisdom. It's clearly re-enforcing what you're already thinking.



fallensoldier said:


> And hoping he doesn't pick up on anything.


What is going to pick up on?


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Update :
> 
> Well, this certainly sucks. Never in a million years would I have thought that at 27 I'd be starting all over again, in the process of a divorce. It's not easy, but no one ever promised it would be easy anyway. Made my bed, now I'm sleeping in it. For the time being anyway.
> 
> ...


Hi sweet girl, 

This is inspirational. Thank you for reply in a PM. Last night got rejected for a HUG. I put my arms around my wide who was at the very most edge of the bed. First she says dont put too much weight on me. Second she says after a few minutes you're too hot. Might as well tell me to disappear. I feel like a non person - a utility just there to keep my wife and kids functioning. You are so so lucky you don't have kids and I know this years you up. But think about me, having kids makes it impossible for me to leave. My wife is good to them and their happiness is paramount at the sacrifice of my own happiness. My wife is like a robot - she is beautiful, but a beautiful robot - I am absolutely miserable that a hug is thought of as a pain in the @$$. I wash cloths, do all the house work everything allowing her to enjoy hours of tv and rest. I feel like a cuckold. So, take some comfort in your strength. I guarantee you if you met a guy like me, he'll give you kids, love, affection, support, encouragement, fun and most importantly respect. I am cheering for you here in Cali! I want to hear more of his pathetic last minute pleas. And btw Hilton is a big client of mine so feel free to tell me who he met and if I know them, I'll put in a bad word for him. Keep on moving ahead with your plan sweet stuff!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Hi sweet girl,
> 
> This is inspirational. Thank you for reply in a PM. Last night got rejected for a HUG. I put my arms around my wide who was at the very most edge of the bed. First she says dont put too much weight on me. Second she says after a few minutes you're too hot. Might as well tell me to disappear. I feel like a non person - a utility just there to keep my wife and kids functioning. You are so so lucky you don't have kids and I know this years you up. But think about me, having kids makes it impossible for me to leave. My wife is good to them and their happiness is paramount at the sacrifice of my own happiness. My wife is like a robot - she is beautiful, but a beautiful robot - I am absolutely miserable that a hug is thought of as a pain in the @$$. * I wash cloths, do all the house work everything allowing her to enjoy hours of tv and rest. I feel like a cuckold. * So, take some comfort in your strength. I guarantee you if you met a guy like me, he'll give you kids, love, affection, support, encouragement, fun and most importantly respect. I am cheering for you here in Cali! I want to hear more of his pathetic last minute pleas. And btw Hilton is a big client of mine so feel free to tell me who he met and if I know them, I'll put in a bad word for him. Keep on moving ahead with your plan sweet stuff!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like you are too.

Why are you doing all the work so she can sit on her ass and watch TV, and not even get a hug for it?

Let her do the damn laundry if she can't be bothered to even embrace the man she professed to be cherish until death do you part.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

It's a long story. I appreciate you recognize this kings fan. You see the rest of the world is more important and that includes episodes if tv shows. When one is starved of affection as a child they tend to put tons of energy into ensuring their kids don't have to endure the Same thing but little is thought about the fact that the other parent in their childhood was also starved for attention. In their adult life they only see things from their childhood perspective ... And, as a result my kids are well off and loved by both parents. Such is life! I am a phantom...a needy guy...thanks again friend :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Speaking as a man who was in a similar situation (I had a very unaffectionate wife myself) and three kids, I eventually decided to leave. I know you say you want to stay for the children, but is that what's best for them? I know a big piece of why I left was because of my children. 

You seem to imply that her parents were starving for attention. By living this life now, isn't that what you are teaching your own children?

Not trying to judge your life or anything, just seems like you think a home qith two parents = happiness and that's not always the case.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Speaking as a man who was in a similar situation (I had a very unaffectionate wife myself) and three kids, I eventually decided to leave. I know you say you want to stay for the children, but is that what's best for them? I know a big piece of why I left was because of my children.
> 
> You seem to imply that her parents were starving for attention. By living this life now, isn't that what you are teaching your own children?
> 
> Not trying to judge your life or anything, just seems like you think a home qith two parents = happiness and that's not always the case.


Actually, what I meant is that she was starved of her parents attention and was hurt by this and therefore spends a great deal of effort to ensure our kids don't ever experience that feeling of being ignored and unloved. To be honest I admire that and in fact enjoy seeing our kids playing games with the whole family, feeling love and encouragement from both parents. However as soon as the bedroom door closes it is as if ah, now I deserve a break and hope I am not expected to entertain that other guy. If I bring it up - that I like affection it is often greeted with hostility and sometimes (depending on how I say this or that) can be greeted favorably - in fact very favorably. What I hope is to be able get past having to always ask for affection. I mean simply affection not even sex just a physical show of love and need. To her and how she was raised, adults don't need this or do this to each other. She'll respond to my hugging etc in the presence of the kids. I don't worry that what doesn't happen behind closed doors affects them.


What about you, do you have custody of you kids? How did she react when you told her that because of her disinterest in you, that you had to go. I wonder if she tried to come around at the last minute...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Actually, what I meant is that she was starved of her parents attention and was hurt by this and therefore spends a great deal of effort to ensure our kids don't ever experience that feeling of being ignored and unloved. To be honest I admire that and in fact enjoy seeing our kids playing games with the whole family, feeling love and encouragement from both parents. However as soon as the bedroom door closes it is as if ah, now I deserve a break and hope I am not expected to entertain that other guy. If I bring it up - that I like affection it is often greeted with hostility and sometimes (depending on how I say this or that) can be greeted favorably - in fact very favorably. What I hope is to be able get past having to always ask for affection. I mean simply affection not even sex just a physical show of love and need. To her and how she was raised, adults don't need this or do this to each other. She'll respond to my hugging etc in the presence of the kids. I don't worry that what doesn't happen behind closed doors affects them.
> 
> 
> What about you, do you have custody of you kids? How did she react when you told her that because of her disinterest in you, that you had to go. I wonder if she tried to come around at the last minute...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For me, I didn't leave solely because of the lack of intimacy, but that was one of several large factors. I think if intimacy had been important to her, it would have helped some of the other stuff as well.

When I told her I was leaving, yes, I was offered basically a blank cheque. Everything i wanted was available, including sex. I got one BJ to completion (and three total) in 10 years together. I bet I could have got them everyday after I said I was leaving.

That said, I knew that what she was offering would only last until she felt secure in the relationship again and then it'd stop. It wasn't being offered willingly really, but rather because she wanted to 'get' me. Sex was the bait, so to speak.

She didn't react well to being told her lack of interest was a reason in my leaving, but she knew it was coming as well. I had tried several times to discuss sex with her, and it was almost always met with hostility. Usually within 30 seconds I was being told that if I didn't like our sex life that I "should go find someone else to have sex with." It was a way of shutting down the conversation without having to deal with it, knowing full well that I can't just go find someone else while I'm in the marriage.

So eventually I left.

I have three children and I left my wife five years ago. I now have my oldest son full-time with me (he lives with me and has done so since January, 2011), and my other two sons live with me on a 50-50 basis (the rest of the time they live with their mom).

It's not perfect, naturally I'd like to have my kids with me 100% of the time like any good parent, but I also know that now they have two happy households to live in, not one that is full of fighting or a clear unhappiness between me and their mom. In fact, one of the reasons I left her was because our oldest (who was 6 at the time) started coming in on us when we were having arguments (not about sex, other stuff). I never wanted my kids to see me fight with their mom (or now step-mom) and that was a difficult thing for me to see them seeing us fight.

I hope down the road to have all three of my kids full time.

I understand the pain of splitting of families, of not having your kids with you full time, and all of that. I lived it and I thought about it before I left. But I know I only live once and I want to be happy, and just as importantly I want my kids to see me as happy. Imagine how your kids will feel if down the road they somehow found out the only reason you stayed with thier mom for 10-20 years is because of them and in reality you were miserable? Especially if you are miserable later in life for wasting your prime years in a relationship with someone who doesn't even want to hold you, kiss you or touch you. 

I'd imagine they'd feel pretty bad about themselves, not that that's your intent.

All I'm saying is there is more than one way to look at the equation other than saying "I don't worry that what doesn't happen behind closed doors affects them." You may think it doesn't, but I'd wager that when you get rejected repeatedly, it does come out in other ways. I mean each time you get rejected, it hurts. And hurt turns to resentment or anger usually. Or it turns to a distancing from your spouse. But something will happen, and when it does, kids will notice that. You may not think they do, but they do. They may notice you are more on edge one day, or more upset the next, or even pissed off some days. They may not know exactly why, but odds are they will associate it with mommy. Kids are very smart that way.

I wager if you stay with your wife, 20 years from now your kids will tell you, if you ask, that yeah, they know you and mom aren't exactly happy. There's a difference between being married and being blissfully married. 

I remember one day lying in bed one morning when I was still with my ex-wife and I rolled over and she was in the room. And I thought to myself about getting old with her and the thought of being 80 and rolling over and her being there. No more kids in the house, most of my family dead or moved away and the only person I'd likely see each day was her. And it bothered me a lot. That's when i knew I didn't want to be there. the idea of being old with her wasn't a happy one. it was resentful, like I had wasted my life on her.

I hope you don't ever feel that way friend.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Interesting story and thanks for sharing. I want you to know I hear what you are saying about kids intuition. It may sound as though I am in denial but honestly I can tell you this. We can within a hairs length of splitting couple years back - we were at that point the prototypical unhappy couple. Back then I'd have told you that as far as the kids go they don't see the fighting and I would have been lying knowing that they have incredible intuition. After our massive fight we both changed several extremely bad habits for the sake of the kids and had long talks every day how thankful we both were that after the fight we knew we wanted to be together. Believe me I had not treated her well either - It was a point of clairvoyance for me. When on a rant I fail to mention positive things of which there are many. Even my parents everybody will say upon entering out house they can feel an immediate difference in the atmosphere. For that I am lucky and I think you'd understand this better if you had some more details of what was going on back then. So, things have radically changes for us, both of us have out in huge efforts to change our ways and this fine point of affection is a lingering aftermath. This is why it is so hard for me to understand as so much else had changes and radically improved after the huge blow out. That's a more concise picture - if I rolled over and thought the same as you - I would pack up and run too and I commend you. For me, I look over and feel thankful as with most every other aspect I am treated with dignity, admiration etc etc. I just need that physical piece!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kudos to you on workig towards improvement. It's not easy.

I'm glad everything is going well, mius the physical. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you can live without the physical for the rest of your life potentially.

I'm assuming since you are coming to TAM you at least have your doubts about this.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I came here mostly because I was looking for support when it gets tough which happens. I'd be happy to tell you more background separately (in a PM) and you would see what I mean by huge improvements - I mean it is like comparing night and day - we were both in a very dark place. I think it is important however to gauge your decision cleverly and if you have come out if denial in other areas then that helps to really grasp how denial works. The thing that I think is really important if you do decide to stick it out is to consider that there is no magic sentence or spell that can snap the other person into line. Usually lack of affection is something that happened slowly over time - a slow eroding of intimacy. So deciding to stick it out seems wisest to realize the reality that it may take a long time. However if small steps are being made then that is sometimes significant. Other cases small steps are accompanied by small backward steps and, it is important to be able distinguish what is really happening. Currently I am working on the middle of the bed thing. I am tired of this roll over to the far side thing so I just decided to say 'do I smell bad or something' - usually I'd expect talking about this to turn into a hostile attack but once I just don't care to think about my response and just let it out I seem to connect to the broken person under the tough facade. I feel accomplished and also get a bit of gratitude in weird ways. Again, I committed to this and therefore while I am in it I do the best I can as that was a part if my pledge way back when we got married. 

Back to your question though - yes there are doubts. Doubts I'm not getting anywhere...I think I am, I hope I am, I know I can do it, it just ain't easy and I do wish I could wave a magic wand and make her express herself. I wish I could find that vaginas have an on/off switch - how great would that be 'oh honey, here's the problem, your vagina is off. Here, let me flick it back on.' Suddenly the sound of estrogen flowing again is music to our ears. I imagine it to sound like a factory with machines spooling up and a low hum as that beautiful womanhood kicks into gear'. Ha ha. Thanks again kings fan!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Could this be a Power Play? Is he disapointed with the lack of employment and he feels you are a threat to his manhood. Just asking, I don't know.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> Could this be a Power Play? Is he disapointed with the lack of employment and he feels you are a threat to his manhood. Just asking, I don't know.


Idk -- could it? It's a possibility, but here's the thing --- he's been unemployed for 6 mths now, we've been married for 3 n a half years, before we got married we could go at it 2-3 times a day, his initiation, his drive, he was wild n crazy, so was I (I still am) could go at it anytime, and as many times as he wanted, in every position, every role, his way, and I was happy to satisfy him. Well, it started heading into a downward spiral 6 mths? into marriage. (porn and online escorts were discovered after 5 mths of no sex at all) --- long story..

Before my decision for divorce it was 1-2/mth - the most bland, boring, unexciting sex ever. Now -- nothing. And honestly, I don't want it anymore. I've emotionally disconnected myself from him, and don't find myself craving it at all anymore.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Hi sweet girl,
> 
> This is inspirational. Thank you for reply in a PM. Last night got rejected for a HUG. I put my arms around my wide who was at the very most edge of the bed. First she says dont put too much weight on me. Second she says after a few minutes you're too hot. Might as well tell me to disappear. I feel like a non person - a utility just there to keep my wife and kids functioning. You are so so lucky you don't have kids and I know this years you up. But think about me, having kids makes it impossible for me to leave. My wife is good to them and their happiness is paramount at the sacrifice of my own happiness. My wife is like a robot - she is beautiful, but a beautiful robot - I am absolutely miserable that a hug is thought of as a pain in the @$$. I wash cloths, do all the house work everything allowing her to enjoy hours of tv and rest. I feel like a cuckold. So, take some comfort in your strength. I guarantee you if you met a guy like me, he'll give you kids, love, affection, support, encouragement, fun and most importantly respect. I am cheering for you here in Cali! I want to hear more of his pathetic last minute pleas. And btw Hilton is a big client of mine so feel free to tell me who he met and if I know them, I'll put in a bad word for him. Keep on moving ahead with your plan sweet stuff!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi sweet boy (lmao, Jk!) 

I honestly can never understand this. Ever. It's mindboggling. I am the most affectionate person ever - to my fam, kids, cousins, friends, and most importantly was most affectionate with husband. I always couldn't wait to be behind closed doors with him. It was torture for me to be around family, kids, whoever, in public, and not be able to give him a passionate kiss- so I would settle for a touch, a hug, a smile, eye contact, a whisper, giggles, anything that would let him know I'm crazy about him, anything that would profess my love for him, anything that would keep me calm until I get him to myself. No kid, no family member, no one could ever get me so tired or exhausted that I'd put him off once we were alone. If I was exhausted, I'd be exhausted off of him- everyone came after him. He was always number 1. 

Ahhh, cheering for me in Cali huh?! And you've got connections with the Hilton as well?! BITING my tongue! I shall remain quiet!! Lmao! All jokes aside, I'm not out to get him. If he can be what he thinks he can (professional, successful) then I wish him all the best. Like Stardusted mentioned - as much as there is resent in me, I'll always love him and wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway, and do want us to separate in peace, so he can have his Hilton dream for all I care! 

Kingsfan - you and your comments rock. It always makes my day to come on here and find input from you. I will reply to your comments in detail later, but for now to answer your q "pick up on what?" --- he doesn't yet know that I've 100% decided for separation. For now I'm secretly putting away some of my assets aside for myself. And then will go through the entire process and will notify him. He also doesn't know I'm in touch and have the support of my wonderful family. I'm trying my best to keep things on the downlow because we have been through this a million times and every time he felt at danger things became a blur (begging, crying, pleading, etc ...) and then I would give in - don't want that to happen this time.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Stardusted said:


> I'm glad your on your way to starting a fresh new life journey. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work but it seems like moving on is the best plan. Try not to invest yourself too much in catching him in lies or making him upset. You want the divorce proceeding to go smoothly. Concentrate on making a more comfortable emotional experience for yourself. Life's short.


I agree. And thank you for the wise words, I really do appreciate it. I'm not really focusing on making his blood boil- got so many other things on my mind- but, I gotta admit it's fun to make him nervous, hint things here and there that make him think twice. He thinks -- or thought -- he could fool me. In his dreams!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> Fallen,
> Life is way to short to invest your time in men who are losers.
> ...


Thanks! Putting on my running shoes as we speak!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Kingsfan - you and your comments rock. It always makes my day to come on here and find input from you. I will reply to your comments in detail later, but for now to answer your q "pick up on what?" --- he doesn't yet know that I've 100% decided for separation. For now I'm secretly putting away some of my assets aside for myself. And then will go through the entire process and will notify him. He also doesn't know I'm in touch and have the support of my wonderful family. I'm trying my best to keep things on the downlow because we have been through this a million times and every time he felt at danger things became a blur (begging, crying, pleading, etc ...) and then I would give in - don't want that to happen this time.


Thank you! I'm glad I can help.

I'm glad you are putting away money for yourself. Very wise decision. A few pieces of advise to consider from someone who himself seperated and walked the road you are about to.

I assume you own your home. Have you decided who is leaving?

if he is to leave, how are you going to do this? 

If you are leaving (like I did) be sure to check off a few things. 

First, get everything out of your home that you deem valueable. I mean really valuable, like your Grandma's ring, picture of your long deceased favorite uncle, etc. Those are the things that matter. TV's and all that can be replaced, memories can't. 

Secondly, if you own your home, be sure to get it up for sale or work out a purchase price with him ASAP and set a hard deadline to get the money or you're selling. 

Get a lawyer, as I mentioned already. Bring dad along. He sounds awesome, and it'd likely be great for him to learn how he can legally kick the guys ass 

Get your name off as many things as you can that also has his name (cellphones, credit cards, etc.) If you can't get your name off them, cancel them and pay the contract anyways (such as cellphones). Don't let him run you into debt more than he can.

When you leave, if you have any weakness to you at all regarding him, don't let him contact you directly. Have him contact your family to relay messages on to you. 

Take care Fallensoldier. I'm happy you have such a positive attitude and have grown your self-esteem over this. It will get harder before it really gets better. There will come a time when you will start to reminense about the 'good times' and gloss over the bad. Be ready for it, be strong and you'll make it.

And trust me when I say a woman who is as good as you, and who has such a strong family as you, will have zero trouble finding, and keeping, a great man.

Somewhere out there there is a man whose life is going to be a whole lot better as a result of this and has already won the proverbial lottery, he just doesn't know it yet. You are winning it right now. Congrats!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Thank you! I'm glad I can help.
> 
> I'm glad you are putting away money for yourself. Very wise decision. A few pieces of advise to consider from someone who himself seperated and walked the road you are about to.
> 
> ...


I don't own my own home, no. Not here atleast. I relocated to this state for his own convenience this year. Gave up my job, everything for that matter, and flew across the country. It's all good though, as long as I get out of this mess, I'll be fine. 

My bro did "let me have it" yes, but he did it in a loving way. It killed me to hear him plead. He finally let out what he'd been holding back for so many years. He's the one person that hadn't come against me with my decision to marry this guy - gave us the benefit of the doubt, so when he was begging and pleading "to please come home, we all love you so much, we will help you start new, start fresh" I knew then, it was the end of my journey with husband. He even said "what are you afraid of??, do you think that no other man will want you? Are you crazy?? I know men that would kill to be with you!" -- so, I was like ok, enough...I get it. 

Uncle also called today. Said he was ready for whatever it is I needed or wanted. Said not to even look at any losses I have (financially) that he guarantees me a job the moment I step foot back home - and that I have the support and love of everyone there. These people are angels. This is exactly what I need from them right now, otherwise I would give in easily to his upcoming begging. Because like you said there are moments I try to overlook his flaws, the bad, and I'm consumed with the "good memories" --- and then it hit me. I was laying in bed as he slept. Usually, I would be so protective of him as he'd sleep --- Like he was my own child --- Covering him, making sure he's comfy, lightly kissing him so he doesn't wake, etc. However, this time I look over and I'm feeling resentful. And i ask myself, is all this resent from sexless nights? Is he a good man and I'm only going through this phase? Should I give him one last chance? And I couldn't stomach it - "one last chance" - how many times have I said that line? And I dozed off - thought of the good, thought of the bad. And then realized where all my resent was coming from. And thoughts of all the "I'll never forget ...." 's came

Brace yourself : 

•I'll never forget 4 mths of lonely, sexless nights. 
•I'll never forget what you were doing during MY 4 mths of lonely, sexless nights. 
•I'll never forget the "punishment" I had to endure after discovering your endless, crazy spending on online escorts, porn, etc while I was made to be the "crazy, paranoid" one. 
•I'll never forget the time I had Ameba, having to go down 4 flights of stairs to get to the car, without your help of hand. 
•I'll never forget your reaction when your brother told you "please help her down the stairs" -- shrug of hand and "no need for a love story right now" - reply, while i struggled to reach the car - while you waited impatiently for me in there - I'm sorry I made you wait. 
•I'll never forget chaperoning your bros - to malls, sightseeing - when they visited, while you made excuses to stay home alone, to catch up with online escorts. 
•I'll never forget the way you looked me in the eyes, lied through your teeth, swore on your mothers grave, that I was hallucinating, going mad, being too jealous, and that nothing was going on. You are faithful. I believed. 
•I'll never forget what I had to go through to save up all that money, that you so carelessly spent away on porn, escorts, your needs, your wants, while I convinced myself anything I "needed or wanted, wasn't important at the moment". 
•I'll never forget the time you made me seem lunatic to your bro, and how he bashed at me in our home, and you stood by him and heard it all out when he said "leave her, forget about her" - I heard it all. 
•I'll never forget the time I smelled cigs on you, again, I was "hallucinating, paranoid, crazy" and your friends were "smoking in your presence" - you'd been smoking for years. 
•I'll never forget our 2nd year anniversary - you picked up a gift for me last minute - only when you realized why I had been sneaking around, you put no thought into it - I showered you with expensive gifts, laptop included. You canceled our plans, your promise to take me back to the hotel we spent our wedding night in - because you were feeling "sick" and promised to make up for it. I went to bed, lonely, sexless. Again. You stayed up all night on your new laptop. Escorts, porn. Happy Anniversary honey. 

That's just the beginning of my reasons for the resent inside. And why there's no possibility for R. I guarantee you, I can write a book of my story. I also guarantee you that I'll have a whole audience cheering me on when this, once helpless, now fragile girl, walks out on your sorry @$$!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Man I love your strength right now, and your support system seems very healthy.

The next six months or so will be difficult but gut it out through that and you'll be on a better place to moving towards what you deserve.

Btw, I agree with your uncle, forget the financial mess you may have. It sucks, but nothing now will change that. Ignore what you can't change and don't make the same mistakes in the future (though don't hold any of the stuff your H did against future men either, we aren't all like that).

Any idea how long before you decide to leave?

Btw, as a parting gift you should send that laptop through a car compactor and mail him back the pieces.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Man I love your strength right now, and your support system seems very healthy.
> 
> The next six months or so will be difficult but gut it out through that and you'll be on a better place to moving towards what you deserve.
> 
> ...


And I love how you're part of my healthy support system - it always makes my day to find posts from you on my thread  

Going back home is all in my hands now. I've got my uncle, dad and bro all offering to book me my ticket at their expense. Of course, I've refused the offer - I can book my own ticket and will not take advantage of these kind-hearted people. 

As to when exactly, I'm still deciding. I have a good job here, and have to decide whether I will leave this state once separation goes through. If I am going to be leaving and returning home (for good) then I must provide work with a notice beforehand. 

As for that laptop lmao - unfortunately for him I'm tech savvy - his worst nightmare. I had been noticing his odd behavior - was lead to believe I'm whack - then I put my tech skills into work while he was asleep - I never wake him up while he's resting, but I was fuming! Woke him up, laptop in hand, told him there's no use in lying to me when I confront him because I've got answers, but I need him to be honest with me. Man, the set of balls on him - he, of course, lied and denied everything and had the audacity to try to make me look crazy - again - so I showed him how "crazy" I am - broke the laptop in pieces! His jaw dropped. I'm not a violent person, at all, don't yell don't scream, don't overreact. But since he insisted I was "crazy", I insisted on showing him just how crazy I am!


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## Janey (Nov 10, 2012)

in my view its all about respecting each other, going to shows, live cam porn sites and stuff yet not wanting to be with the person you love is being disrespectfull. Love should be unselfish and i have to be honest and say i could personnaly not live like that, he may not be cheating but plenty of adultery of the mind is going on and its whether or not he is willing and able to put that behind him and also whether your able to trust him too. 
you need to work out what you really want and sit down and explain how it makes you feel, talk to him and ask him how he feels too.
really hope you find some clarity x


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> And I love how you're part of my healthy support system - it always makes my day to find posts from you on my thread
> 
> Going back home is all in my hands now. I've got my uncle, dad and bro all offering to book me my ticket at their expense. Of course, I've refused the offer - I can book my own ticket and will not take advantage of these kind-hearted people.
> 
> ...


It's been refreshing reading your thread as well! Nice to see someone taking a strong step forward like you, regardless of if you elave or not. Just being more assertive for yourself will pay huge dividends.

Btw, it's also great to see you are cut from the same cloth as your family by not taking their offer. It's also great to see they are so supportive. You'll need their strength and so many people don't get that strength from family.

Also, have you considered taking a leave of absence, stress leave or just holiday/vacation time from work? It might be a good idea to get away from the job for a week or two and just focus on setting yourself up for wherever you go.

Wherever you do go I hope you don't let him know, especially if you stay in the same town/city. Keep him away from you, he'll just try and con his way back in. I bet he's sweating bullets right now knowing his free ride is over.

May I restate again what a complete twit he is. He has a woman who loves him, has a good paying job and wants to bang him silly all the time and all he can do is lounge around all day and go trolling for who knows what at night? 

I hope you maintain your attitude for the next man in your life. Don't let this idiot wreck who you are, because a lot of guys will appreciate it. All you need to adjust most likely who you find attractive. Really analyze who you find attractive with your mind before dating someone again.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> It's been refreshing reading your thread as well! Nice to see someone taking a strong step forward like you, regardless of if you elave or not. Just being more assertive for yourself will pay huge dividends.
> 
> Btw, it's also great to see you are cut from the same cloth as your family by not taking their offer. It's also great to see they are so supportive. You'll need their strength and so many people don't get that strength from family.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I'll be doing. I booked a flight for next week, will be gone for a week - my family and I are taking a mini vacation, it should be soothing. 

As for leaving the state, I've yet to decide. My job is great, things are looking better than ever, and I've even been offered a promotion. Decisions decisions :/ I love it here, even if it's not home, I've adapted so well and already have made it so far on my own. I shall see. Ughh *deep sigh*


And yes, you may keep reminding me what a "twit" he is lol. However, my drive for him has worn off long ago now. Funny, now that I put no effort and show no interest he keeps initiating and I keep rejecting. I think he must have caught on by now, but it's too late.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Janey said:


> in my view its all about respecting each other, going to shows, live cam porn sites and stuff yet not wanting to be with the person you love is being disrespectfull. Love should be unselfish and i have to be honest and say i could personnaly not live like that, he may not be cheating but plenty of adultery of the mind is going on and its whether or not he is willing and able to put that behind him and also whether your able to trust him too.
> you need to work out what you really want and sit down and explain how it makes you feel, talk to him and ask him how he feels too.
> really hope you find some clarity x


Thank you. I'm refraining from commenting too much today, as today is one of my down days. Trying to hold it together and walk out when the time is right. Thanks again.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> That's exactly what I'll be doing. I booked a flight for next week, will be gone for a week - my family and I are taking a mini vacation, it should be soothing.
> 
> As for leaving the state, I've yet to decide. My job is great, things are looking better than ever, and I've even been offered a promotion. Decisions decisions :/ I love it here, even if it's not home, I've adapted so well and already have made it so far on my own. I shall see. Ughh *deep sigh*
> 
> ...


Then I hope you can stay in the state. He's already wrecked a part of your life, why wreck it even more due to him? It sounds like work is a place of solice for you, I hope you do well with it and can move on while maintaining your job and all that makes you love it there.

Btw, I think the reason he's interested now is because you're not. It's the same reason my ex-wife came onto me like a tsunami after I walked out. Sex is used as a measn to an end for people like that. Your husband sees sex as a means to keep you since he's likely figured out that you are at least thinking of leaving. After a few weeks/months, the sex (and everything else) will go back to normal and you'd be in the same boat.

Keep strong, even if today is a down day. I'm pulling for you!


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I just starting reading this thread and I must say that I'm in awe of the OP as there was so much change that occurred in only 6 pages! It has the makings of a great novel-the part where you broke the laptop would have the theater crowd cheering!

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It looks like you received a lot of great feedback along the way, too. Good luck to you, fallensoldier!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> I just starting reading this thread and I must say that I'm in awe of the OP as there was so much change that occurred in only 6 pages! It has the makings of a great novel-the part where you broke the laptop would have the theater crowd cheering!
> 
> Thanks for sharing your story with us. It looks like you received a lot of great feedback along the way, too. Good luck to you, fallensoldier!


Thank you. And thank you kingsfan. I'm not sure why the past two days have been down days for me. There's so much going on in my head. I'm definitely not having second thoughts. But here's how it is right now - my job is amazing, I love the state I'm in, I'm constantly being complimented and approached by other men, but somehow I feel like it's all worthless. I feel so numb and dead on the inside. 

I just came home from work (my happy place), he's in bed - like always, and I just hate coming home these days. I hate being near him. I really dislike hearing him talk. I'm so full of resent. I just want to be as far from him as possible. 

I finally approached him, hinted D word, his reaction? Nothing. He's not even trying to change, he's in his own world. I just want to hit him upside down his head. I don't want him to beg and plead, but were all our years together that worthless? Or does he think I'll give in, like I always did before, and won't go ahead with the divorce? Well, it that's what it is, he's wrong. 

Even though his reaction, or lack of, is painful, it also is strengthening because I now know he's not worthy of me, and can never make me happy. I deserve a man that worships the grounds I walk on, and vice versa. Because I am a good wife, I am a good person, I do have a good heart, and this guy has worn me out. I'm so drained. Ugh. 

His entire family is against him, his father and brothers are all letting him in on how stupid he is, how any man would kill to have such a wife, but he's not reacting. At all. 

I've also been reading on narcissism lately, and honestly have come to the realization there's a very big possibility that he's narcissistic. 

Thanks again guys for the support, I really need it. I have so many decisions to make and don't want to rush into anything, but what I do know for certain is I need to get out ASAP.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Thank you. And thank you kingsfan. I'm not sure why the past two days have been down days for me. There's so much going on in my head. I'm definitely not having second thoughts. But here's how it is right now - my job is amazing, I love the state I'm in, I'm constantly being complimented and approached by other men, but somehow I feel like it's all worthless. I feel so numb and dead on the inside.


Let it feel numb inside. Your mind and body is going through a big transition right now, as you are leaving a partner you thought would be there forever. It's a massive blow to your mind, which affects your body as well. It's just a transition, a sort of shock if you will.

Frankly though, it's not a big deal if you feel numb to other men's advances. Considering where you are at, do your really need those advances? You're leaving your husband, not looking for someone else. You'll likely need time after this to get your head on straight before looking for a dating partner anyways, so I wouldn't worry about how you feel towards men right now anyways. 

It is not worthless though. Take it for what it is; confirmation that you are an amazing woman who could have MANY suitors. Tuck that info away in the back of your head, you'll need it when you do start to date again so you don't just fall for the first guy that comes along. Avoid the rebound!



fallensoldier said:


> I just came home from work (my happy place), he's in bed - like always, and I just hate coming home these days. I hate being near him. I really dislike hearing him talk. I'm so full of resent. I just want to be as far from him as possible.
> 
> I finally approached him, hinted D word, his reaction? Nothing. He's not even trying to change, he's in his own world. I just want to hit him upside down his head. I don't want him to beg and plead, but were all our years together that worthless? Or does he think I'll give in, like I always did before, and won't go ahead with the divorce? Well, it that's what it is, he's wrong.


If you hate coming home, why not take a mini-vacation or something? Do you have a friends place you can sleep at for a night? Could your family come for a visist and you bunker down with them at a hotel for a few nights? Just get away for a few days from him someone how? I'm not sure how money is for you, but if you can afford it, why not treat yourself to a spa or something? You've earned a vacation from him after all he's put you through.

Don't look to much into the reaction, or lack there of, from him regarding divorce. Could be a couple of things; he might be trying to play you, thinking if he just acts secure you'll flinch first and cave (I sense you have done this in the past based on your postings), or he might not care if you go for divorce or not. Who knows. Better question is, who cares?

I know why you want to care, you want to think all of the sacrifices you've made, all of the money you've spent, all of the time you've devoted to him, his interest and his life, isn't 'wasted.' First, I'll tell you it isn't, but I'll get back to that in a second. 

It really doesn't matter what he thinks or how he reacts. You've already said you won't be staying with him. You've moved on. I understand the desire for having him pine over you, begging you to stay, but will it cause you to stay? No. And you can't control how someone feels, so concentrate on what you can control. Control setting yourself up to leave, control ensuring you have as smooth of a transition as possible, control securing the other aspects of your life (family, work, friends, money, etc.), control moving on with your life. Ignore him and his feelings, or lack there of.

As I said though, your efforts aren't wasted. They have a big impact on the most important person in all of this; you. He might not show much emotion to you leaving, but all of that time you devoted to him over the years has taught you plenty. You know now what to look for in a man, you know how caring you can be, you know how great you are, you know what you should get in return, you know how you should be treated, you know how great of a support system you have, and you know that you have a lot of strength to not only put up with all of his antics, but also strength to first fight for your marriage and then -when your partner refused to fight alongside of you but rather with you- the strength to walk away and start again. That's all very important information for you, and it will serve you well in the future when you go to get into another relationship. 

The best part about it is, you gained all the information while only wasting four to five years of your life (or however long it was you two were married/together) not 20-40 years like some people on this board. You are still young enough to have an entire lifetime of happiness and memories and little feet running around your house with a great man who deserves you. Be thankful for that, and realize that if you hadn't gone through this with your husband you may never have gain all of this knowledge and strength you have for your future. You need the rain to get the rainbow as they say.



fallensoldier said:


> Even though his reaction, or lack of, is painful, it also is strengthening because I now know he's not worthy of me, and can never make me happy. I deserve a man that worships the grounds I walk on, and vice versa. Because I am a good wife, I am a good person, I do have a good heart, and this guy has worn me out. I'm so drained. Ugh.


Also remember the first two sentences here. You have a lot to offer. Don't doubt it. And yes, he has worn you out. The fact it took this long shows just how big of a heart you actually have. Don't beat yourself up, be proud of yourself.



fallensoldier said:


> His entire family is against him, his father and brothers are all letting him in on how stupid he is, how any man would kill to have such a wife, but he's not reacting. At all.
> 
> I've also been reading on narcissism lately, and honestly have come to the realization there's a very big possibility that he's narcissistic.
> 
> Thanks again guys for the support, I really need it. I have so many decisions to make and don't want to rush into anything, but what I do know for certain is I need to get out ASAP.


I beleive another tick mark for narcissism is believing you're right when everyone says you're wrong. So when his whole family, plus you and your family, keep telling him he has a great wife and he better treat you better, what does he do? Argues with them or ignores them. Can't admit he's wrong, huh? Writing is on the wall in every room. 

I do hope you get out soon. The longer you stay the harder it is. What is the hold up? If it is money, have you discussed this issue with your employer? You may be able to get an advance on your pay to help you get set up in a new place.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I agree, it's a complete shock. I think I need to hit my lowest point before I can start to heal. I've brought so much pain to others with my story with this guy, so lately Ive put on this facade, if you will, trying to show that I'm ok, "please don't worry, I don't need him anyway" - And well, sadly, lately it's been hitting me hard. 

I've been going out alot these days. I am NOT a party person, I do not club, I don't drink, but I am social, or was at one point in my life. So, I've been hanging out at places, lounges, bars, clubs, and it has been nice, while I'm out atleast. What I do not like is when I come home. I do need to get my own place soon, and am working on that. I fly home to be with my family tomorrow and return next Sunday. I am pretty excited and counting down the minutes to be in a new environment and do hope I dont break down in front of my family. 

I had an anxiety attack a few days ago and in result I have now been put on Valium  I don't eat, I'm a walking coffee machine, that's all that goes into my system. His brother took me to an Indian restaurant last night, couldn't get myself to have a spoon, but he then later treated me to coffee, which I gladly had plenty of. He's been an angel. 

Honestly, I could care less about men's advances at this time. I've had a few - more than a few actually - approach me when I'm out, and I do exchange small talk, but I do let them know that I'm not there for the same reasons they are. They understand. Some try to lead on that they understand, so that I could go further with my talk, and they could go further, with their lack of talk -- if you know what I mean. But, I'm on top of things, I'm cautious, I'm careful. Not looking for a rebound, definetely not looking for a ONS, and will not be looking for anything, anytime soon. I have been with this man for almost 7 years now, I am absolutely drained and do need more ME time than any other thing right now. 

I agree with the "trying" part as well, I don't want him to beg, because it will not change things, but I want to feel like I was more worthy, more valuable, more than just a bank account, which is what I and his family have summed it up to be. It kills me more and more everyday. Sometimes I want to get revenge at him, sometimes I wave my hand in the air and say there is a God, and karma is a bi*tch. Sometimes I pray all evil fall on him, and sometimes I shrug and wish him well. I really am at my lowest. I keep to myself alot more now, because I feel like I've lost my everything, the one person that was supposed to be there forever, and if he failed me, then what's left? 

I do know things will get tougher before they get better. I've spoken to people that have gone through what I have. I'm on here constantly, and pray for the best, as I am ready to heal. I've been hurt far too long. 

As for your question about what he does when his family lets him know he's wrong as well, well take a wild guess. He takes it out on me. He lets on the idea that Im crazy, paranoid, whatnot, but thankfully they've known him far longer than I have and they do know what I have had to struggle with. His brother called me from Sweden today, begged me not to leave, to try to put up with him just a bit longer. I told him I appreciate his effort, I appreciate his love and care for me and not wanting to lose me as a family member, but I am not married to his good family, I am married to him, and they must understand that he is poison to my soul. They've all come to that realization and his brother has even offered to book me my ticket home, again, no thanks, I will not take advantage of good people. I'm a big girl and can and will take care of myself. 

I, also walked in on his dad speaking to his son today, he didn't know I was at the apartment, and I wasn't meaning to eavesdrop, but he was furious. He was telling this son (my BIL) that enough's enough. That "this girl has given her all to him, she's put up with so much, he's put her through so much, and he cannot appreciate her. It kills me to have to lose her, she's more than a daughter to me, but I have to put those feelings aside and wish her the best because she does deserve the best, and your brother needs a reality check, he needs to grow up, he needs to be a man."

I will be on more often now that I'm on vaca. I look forward to hearing some more from you as well.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I agree, it's a complete shock. I think I need to hit my lowest point before I can start to heal. I've brought so much pain to others with my story with this guy, so lately Ive put on this facade, if you will, trying to show that I'm ok, "please don't worry, I don't need him anyway" - And well, sadly, lately it's been hitting me hard.


May I ask why? You don't have to go on a 20 minute rant about him each time someone asks, but it's ok to tell the truth. Also, don't think of it as bringing pain to others. Outside of maybe a few people, all you are bringing is worry or concern, mostly for how you will move on. That's because people care about you and want you to be happy. It's not pain, and it's ok to just let it out. 



fallensoldier said:


> I've been going out alot these days. I am NOT a party person, I do not club, I don't drink, but I am social, or was at one point in my life. So, I've been hanging out at places, lounges, bars, clubs, and it has been nice, while I'm out atleast.


Awesome, keep it up. Get back to yourself and enjoy yourself. Have fun.



fallensoldier said:


> What I do not like is when I come home. I do need to get my own place soon, and am working on that. I fly home to be with my family tomorrow and return next Sunday.


Once again, great steps. You are doing very well.



fallensoldier said:


> I am pretty excited and counting down the minutes to be in a new environment and do hope I dont break down in front of my family.


When I left my ex-wife, I went home as well. I ended up staying with my parents when I left, we all lived in the same town. When I walked in the door, my dad met me at the top of the stairs and just gave me a big hug. I bawled like a baby. As much as I didn't want to, I know now it was ok. It was a release of emotions that had been building in me for nearly 10 years with my ex-wife. If there ever is a place to bawl FallenSoldier, with your family is it. Don't deny your emotions. Let them out, just don't let them control you. 



fallensoldier said:


> I had an anxiety attack a few days ago and in result I have now been put on Valium  I don't eat, I'm a walking coffee machine, that's all that goes into my system. His brother took me to an Indian restaurant last night, couldn't get myself to have a spoon, but he then later treated me to coffee, which I gladly had plenty of. He's been an angel.


You sound like me. When I left my ex-wife, I couldn't eat much either. Never felt hungry as well, yet I lost about 25 pounds in a month. Stress has a way of doing that sometimes. I wouldn't worry to much about your appetite yet, it'll likely come back, especially when you're with your family in a safe, stress free environment.

Btw, I know you said that his family isn't overly supportive of him due to his actions either, but I wonder if it's a great idea to hang out with his brother. I'm sure he's an angel as you said, but you will need to cut ties from your husband, and going out with his family at the same time may send mixed messages to him (your husband). I'm not saying to turn your back on his family, I think it's wonderful you can all be so close, but maybe a few weeks or a month or two of seperation could benefit you? 



fallensoldier said:


> Honestly, I could care less about men's advances at this time. I've had a few - more than a few actually - approach me when I'm out, and I do exchange small talk, but I do let them know that I'm not there for the same reasons they are. They understand. Some try to lead on that they understand, so that I could go further with my talk, and they could go further, with their lack of talk -- if you know what I mean. But, I'm on top of things, I'm cautious, I'm careful. Not looking for a rebound, definetely not looking for a ONS, and will not be looking for anything, anytime soon. I have been with this man for almost 7 years now, I am absolutely drained and do need more ME time than any other thing right now.


Love it. Good for you to recognize this. I hope you take plenty of time and just get back to being you. Be who you are, find out who you are. It's hard to do that if you are with some other man. I hope you get to live out a lot of your personal dreams in the next year or so! HAVE FUN!



fallensoldier said:


> I agree with the "trying" part as well, I don't want him to beg, because it will not change things, but I want to feel like I was more worthy, more valuable, more than just a bank account, which is what I and his family have summed it up to be. It kills me more and more everyday. Sometimes I want to get revenge at him, sometimes I wave my hand in the air and say there is a God, and karma is a bi*tch. Sometimes I pray all evil fall on him, and sometimes I shrug and wish him well. I really am at my lowest. I keep to myself alot more now, because I feel like I've lost my everything, the one person that was supposed to be there forever, and if he failed me, then what's left?


All of your emotions are fine and normal. I'd suggest looking up some readings on emotions people have during times of turmoil, especially relationship turmoil. Sadness, anger, rage, acceptance, etc. are all normal. Essentially, when you go through a trauma like this (and a breakup is a trauma in my books) you can expect that at some point you'll express every possible emotion you are capabale of. Some will only be expressed for a few moments while others may last for weeks or even months, but you'll express yourself emotionally right across the gambit.

When you ask what's left though, that makes me sad. I hope you can see what is left. Basically, everything you say you've lost, really it is everything you will now find. "My everything, the one person that was supposed to be there forever," that is what you will find.

One of the reasons for going through this divorce is to give yourself a chance to find that person. You know your husband will never be that person. he never was really your 'everything' and he never will act like 'the one person that was supposed to be there forever.' At least not as anything more than just a warm body that wanted to go trolling around for who knows what at night while using you. 

Rather, now you have a chance to find that person who will do what a good husband should do with a wife who acts like you do; someone who will put you up on a pedestal and make every signle want you have something he NEEDS to give you. Those men are out there, they are just looking for a wife who can offer the same back to them. You sound like that kind of woman. It may take 6 months, it may take 10 years, but eventually you will find that guy who will give you everything you dreamed of and he will be the true definition of being your "everything, the one person that was supposed to be there forever". 

I'm glad to hear you'll be on more due to your vacation. I'm glad you have removed yourself from that atmosphere. Think of it like a detox.

Btw, amazing stuff that his family is saying. Shows validation for your standpoint.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Before I answer any q's here's a lil something I came across. FYI - I'm still in vacation mode, spending time with my family, its been extremely refreshing. Anyhoo, I picked up some private things with me on my way out of husbands state, brought them with me, things that no one has ever seen before, not even him. I have invited him to feel free to go through these "journal entries" at any time he desires, but he's never taken me up on the offer - whatever floats his boat. I, myself, haven't been through them in a long time as I've stopped writing for a while now, but I was stunned at the difference in tone, passion, love, and respect for him and myself in these entries. 

Here goes an entry 3 years into our relationship, before marriage, before red flags. 

Mine,
Do you remember the night our lives changed? I remember. The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you smelled, the way you laughed, and the way my shy eyes couldn't meet yours. That made my heart flutter. Did I ever tell you that? 

The days went by slow at first. Every second I spent with you felt like an eternity, because the world stopped when I was with you. Problems, worries, despair would melt away. The way your smile made your eyes light on fire, my heart would explode. I will never forget that. 

Our days slid into weeks and months and years. And as the time passed, I adored you deeper. The way you snore when you sleep, light up when you get excited telling a story, take me in your arms, for no reason, and kiss me in that spot only you know. That's why I love you. The way I bury myself into you when you are asleep. I wiggle myself back until I am resting comfortably in your warm, soft corner. As if by instinct, by feeling, your arms wrap around me, and you let out a soft sigh. Your soft breath tickles my neck, and your feet move around to try and warm mine. Even while sleeping you are silently taking care of me. That's why I love you. 

Most of all though, I love you when you look at me. Your eyes so kind, look past me. They look into me. Missing you - there's nothing better in the world. Because when I miss you, I think of you, and when I think of you, it makes my heart dream. 

So, always remember. You are mine and I am yours. 

Love today, tomorrow, and forever. 

Yours <3 

*deep sigh*. Here's a most recent entry - 

Every girl lives her life planning around her one special day. Her joy. Her pride. The day she carries another man's name. The day she promises to live by him through all smiles and tears. The day she vows to live for no other human except him. And for his joy. His smiles. To live for HIS future. The day that she knows she is now safe forever. Every girl dreams of that song, the dress, the hair, the dance. And the face of that man that will be her Prince Charming. Then I met him. I met the man that will cherish me forever. I was wrong. It was an illusion. A lie. A million lies. One after the other. Eating at my bones. Investing his own disease inside of me. Killing my every being. Lighting fire on my entire future. Everything I dreamed of for myself was put aside. Like some spell was cast on me. Some black magic. 

I now had new dreams, new goals. Everything I planned and dreamed of for 21 years was put in the trash. I started over. (his state) was the one place I dreamed of, day and night. (his name) consumed me. (his name) was the one person I thought of day and night. In my sleep. He was now my joy. My pride. My honor. My future. I had let down all my walls for him. Every single fvcking wall. He took me over. Took over my most private, most intimate of my beings. He overtook my thoughts. My feelings. My love. And for the first time in my life, I, (my name) was dreaming of my white dress. Carrying this man's name. Dancing our first dance. Looking into his eyes. Knowing that nothing or no one can harm me while he existed. I imagined a life of joy, laughter, entertainment, safety. Dreams. So far, so big. 

Little did I know that soon my Prince Charming would become my worst nightmare. I didn't know that I had let this man's power overcome me, in such measures that later on I would be unable to release myself from him. I committed. I fell so deeply in love. I sacrificed. I lived for him only. Only to see him happy. Hear him laugh. See his smile. And in the end? I died. The most brutal, most evil death. No life was left in me. No breath. No smile. He stole all my dreams, my entire life. My goals were broken. I was left with only broken pieces that I tried so hard to stick back together. The harder I tried the more I bled. I became weak. I gave in to my sorrows. Let go of the pieces. For this is my destiny. This is the road I chose. The path I paved. And now was the time to pay the price. Through my last breath. Through my death. 


--- I know what I'll hear. The 2nd entry was written at a moment of anger. A moment of pain. At my lowest of lows. I do not feel that same way anymore. In fact, reading that entry has motivated me more. Motivated me to return to the person I was, become better than who I was before him. And that I will do, even if it costs me my life. 

Will write more later. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm curious to know if he's noticed these signs and said anything to you about your distant behavior?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Before I answer any q's here's a lil something I came across. FYI - I'm still in vacation mode, spending time with my family, its been extremely refreshing. Anyhoo, I picked up some private things with me on my way out of husbands state, brought them with me, things that no one has ever seen before, not even him. I have invited him to feel free to go through these "journal entries" at any time he desires, but he's never taken me up on the offer - whatever floats his boat. I, myself, haven't been through them in a long time as I've stopped writing for a while now, but I was stunned at the difference in tone, passion, love, and respect for him and myself in these entries.
> 
> Here goes an entry 3 years into our relationship, before marriage, before red flags.
> 
> ...


Hey Fallen, nice to see you are on your vacation and I hope it is going well. I was thinking of you the other day wondering how things are going. I know for myself when I was at your stage (the ready to leave but hadn't officially told her to go **** herself stage) I was going through a lot of ups and downs. I hope you can keep up your stength and continue forward.

Interesting journal entries. As someone who is in a not so happy place right now, you likely don't appreciate the first entry as much as you should. 

Always remember the second entry, and remember it for what life can become if you end up with the wrong man. It is a dark, terrible, disease riddled place when you are giving and not receiving, sort of like dumping your own soul down a bottomless pit with the false belief you can fill it with your own love, hopes and tears.

But as much as I want you to remember that entry, I'd like you to keep the first one with you. That woman who wrote the first one, years ago, that woman is a man's dream. A woman that will cherish him, value him, respect him, love him, honor him and be there for him at all times is so rare, not to mention one who understands the value of a good sex life which is what brought you here to begin with. Try to go back to that woman, just do so with the understand of what to watch out for in a man. You should be able to eventually find a man who will also cherish you, value you, respect you, love you, honor you and be there for you at all times as well. If you regain who you were and find someone just as great you will have 'happy ever after' and will look back on this marriage as needed learning lesson in order to gain that bliss you're wanting.

Regarding the bolded, please don't think everything you planned and dreamed for 21 years was put in the trash. It wasn't, it has value and is a great goal to strive for. He put it in the trash for himself, but it's still alive and kicking for you, and should be the standard by which you expect future men to live by. You want a Prince Charming, so that means the next man should live up to being one, not that you have to try and mold the next man into Prince Charming. Remember, Prince Charming came as he was, Sleeping Beauty didn't make him that way. All she did was earn him by being awesome, and by the sounds of it, you are awesome already.

As for the other bolded, what do you mean by "even if it costs me my life"? I hope you're not thinking of harming yourself. You gave this man far more than he has earned already, don't give him anything else. Things will be dark for the next few months, maybe even a few years, but think of it in context. You are likely to live another 50 years, so if life is dark for another two years and then you find happiness for the next 48 years, isn't that a good trade off? Battle through the tough times and it'll make the future greatness you have waiting for you all the more sweet.

Have a great day Fallen and I hope you keep us further updated on your ongoing battle towards a bright future.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Wow. Its been quite a while since I've been on here - quite frankly I have thought of returning to this site to update my situation but have put that off - because, well ... For me, returning to this site meant accepting how far my situation has gotten and that it is reality and I have to accept it. The entire "talkaboutmarriage" sentence was pushed all the way in the back of my head, because I did not want to "talkaboutmarriage" - I wanted to numb my pain and stay as far away from the marriage topic as possible ...

I have now been gone from WS for 2 months. In my last post I was counting down the days to visit my family and home, but had to return to his state because of my job. After my return I handed in my notice, tried to get mentally prepared for my departure and went into "stealth" mode. I think I still am in that mode. These two months have been the hardest, most depressing months of my life. Its been a rollercoaster. I have gone through so many ups yet so many downs, I am barely keeping up. I feel emotionally drained. I havent cried once. I dont know why? Am I in denial? 

Approaching departure date from WS state, I believe I wanted him to talk me into staying, beg even. We did not talk at all. Him and I were both out of the house equal amount of time, and by the time both of us returned home we were so drained we just did not communicate. We slept in different beds, and just waited the approaching day. The morning of my departure, he walked me to the elevator, I expected a hug, I actually expected him to walk me down to the car atleast, help with my luggage, nope - He stood at the elevator entrance, asked if I needed his assistance, I insisted I was fine, he said "okay take care of yourself" and I said "okay, bye" *elevator shuts* ... that was it. I got home and waited for my phone to go on blast, texts, calls, anything, like the usual, but there was nothing - for a week. Finally, he sent a text and asked if I was okay, said he loved me, no matter our circumstances, and if I ever needed anything not to hesitate and contact him. I thanked him, and that was it. 

Within the past 2 months its been a rollercoaster of communications. Ive had to block his # twice. He proceeds to change his # and try contacting me once more. Unfortunately, with so many technological ways of reaching me, it's hard to just block his # and go about my life. He's used apps, and many other ways and Ive repeatedly told him to not contact me - as divorce procedures are going through, and I see no point of us speaking to one another. If we couldnt be friends through our marriage, what's the point of being "friends" now? 

I've gotten bittersweet texts, sweet, bitter, mean, honest, brutal, name it, I've seen it on my phone. Some have brought tears to my eyes, and some have made me come pretty close to breaking my phone. What does he want? and why is he doing this? 

I thought maybe if we separated, and took a break from one another, maybe things can mend, maybe we can learn to communicate, maybe we can be friends. I did not leave with the intention of starting on our divorce right away. But then he made it clear numerous times that that's what he wanted, and so we got on it. And now that it's going through, he wants to give me he!LL about it. 

So, technically, I dont know why I'm writing. I do know Im a mess on the inside. I still have the love and support of the most amazing friends and family. I would have been a wreck without them. I have applied for jobs, and have been interviewed for several. My career still looks good. I have applied for Grad school and am thinking of getting another degree in Psychology. But deep down, I feel like I might break anytime soon. I am putting on this facade in front of my family. I occupy my mind/time with as much possible until it is time for bed. I try not to be alone, because alone means thinking and thinking means breaking down. I do not want to break down, I dont want to give in to his controlling ways, and quite honestly I dont know what took me so long to get out of that lifestyle. 

So, why am I still feeling like a mess? Like a failure? My good days are extremely good, but my bad days are a mess. I hate feeling like this. 

Just a rant ...


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Thank you Satya. I'm sorry you had to go through such a rough break up too. I def got more response from his family as well. I still keep in touch with his brother and his father. If it were up to me I would cut ties with everyone right now, but they have been so supportive and loving I dont want to do that to them. His father is sick and old, was in the ICU about two weeks ago because of his diabetes. I was informed through my brother in law. I called last week to speak to him after he'd been released, wanted to wish him well. Well, a few days later I got a text from STBXH, basically asking me to f*ck off, not contact anyone from his family, that he forgot about me, got over me, wants nothing to do with me anymore, and he "hopes I understand". I did not reply. I dont need that kind of drama or poison in my life. I was itching to reply, and could have replied something much more hurtful than anything he could ever say to me, but, whats the point? I could have also kept the text, read it a million times, sulked and pouted about it, but instead I chose to delete it and forget it even happened. 

Funny thing is, he plays victim. I honestly cannot grasp WHY?! Before I left, we had confrontations, and decided we would reconciliate, or try to atleast. But I did tell him I needed full exposure. I told him about the suspicions I had, showed him proof, he came clean with the things he wanted to come clean about. He said he wasnt having sex with me because he felt like he was married to a man, not a female. Basically, the full on blameshifting. We were communicating constantly, and I thought I'd seen improvement. But something in my gut told me this guy was playing me for a fool, and there's no way I'll let anyone on this earth play me for one. Again, I started snooping, and came across a few things, more confrontations, more excuses, then he came clean with more things. I demanded all passwords, all accounts, everything, and he gave me what I asked for. Well, after going through everything I just knew it was over. But, I was still in denial. We had the whole hysterical bonding for about 3-4 days. PDA, intimacy, romance, everything that I could have ever asked for, but it just felt ... not right. He tried his everything to keep me in a good mood, constantly, and I just couldnt shake things out of my head. 

I told him how I felt, he said I betrayed his trust, because I had promised I would put things behind us if he revealed everything, I broke down and told him I just couldnt. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't trust him anymore. Thats when I opted for out. 

I spend alot of time at the gym. Try to release as much anger and rage as possible in there. I have also joined a kickboxing class - I've lost 7 lbs since leaving and have never felt more confident about my body. I read alot too, write, listen to music, road trip, keep myself occupied - I hope to become employed very soon, and hopefully things will get alot better from here. I just needed to get back on here, for closure maybe? Journal entries perhaps? Idk why, I just owe it to myself to finish my story on here, wrap it up as divorce comes through, and then hopefully start to help people that are in my shoes someday, maybe ...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Wow. Its been quite a while since I've been on here - quite frankly I have thought of returning to this site to update my situation but have put that off - because, well ... For me, returning to this site meant accepting how far my situation has gotten and that it is reality and I have to accept it. The entire "talkaboutmarriage" sentence was pushed all the way in the back of my head, because I did not want to "talkaboutmarriage" - I wanted to numb my pain and stay as far away from the marriage topic as possible ...


WELCOME BACK FALLEN! :smthumbup: I was just thinking the other day about your situation and hoping all has gone well for you. Glad to see you are well, at least better than you likely think you are. Wanting to numb the pain is perfectly normal. Life is adjusting rapidly for you right now and you are going through a lot of change, all while dealing with a huge emotional loss. It's normal to have the pain you are describing. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> I have now been gone from WS for 2 months. In my last post I was counting down the days to visit my family and home, but had to return to his state because of my job. After my return I handed in my notice, tried to get mentally prepared for my departure and went into "stealth" mode. I think I still am in that mode.


What do you mean by stealth mode? What are you planning on doing for work?



fallensoldier said:


> These two months have been the hardest, most depressing months of my life. Its been a rollercoaster. I have gone through so many ups yet so many downs, I am barely keeping up. I feel emotionally drained. I havent cried once. I dont know why? Am I in denial?


You are in shock, for lack of a better way to put it. When people go through a traumatic event, their mind struggles to cope. It's to much change, to fast, for the mind to rationalize completely. Have you ever seen video of people after a fire, or something really traumatic, like 9/11? They are left wandering around in a daze, almost like their brain froze similar to how a computer freezes. it's because there's been to much change, to quickly, and the mind is having trouble comprehending it. 

The same applies on an emotional level too. You have elected to depart from your husband, quit your job, move (possibly into another state?), and likely other headaches and obstacles as well. Your mind is struggling to keep up. Ever felt frazzled after a day in which you were really busy with work, or had an unexpected situation like a fender bender to deal with? It's because the mind is tossed a new set of circumstances to deal with and it's having to figure it out on the fly. Now times that by 1,000 and that's where you are right now. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> Approaching departure date from WS state, I believe I wanted him to talk me into staying, beg even. We did not talk at all.


The way you described him, that's not a surprise. He's been self-serving for a long time, it's unlikely he'll suddenly start begging you to stay.



fallensoldier said:


> Him and I were both out of the house equal amount of time, and by the time both of us returned home we were so drained we just did not communicate.


If you really love someone, you aren't to drained to talk. Take it as a sign of how he truly feels.



fallensoldier said:


> We slept in different beds, and just waited the approaching day. The morning of my departure, he walked me to the elevator, I expected a hug, I actually expected him to walk me down to the car atleast, help with my luggage, nope - He stood at the elevator entrance, asked if I needed his assistance, I insisted I was fine, he said "okay take care of yourself" and I said "okay, bye" *elevator shuts* ... that was it. I got home and waited for my phone to go on blast, texts, calls, anything, like the usual, but there was nothing - for a week.


That's a **** test. He's waiting to see if you buckle. Glad you didn't. He needs to cave in and admit he was wrong, not you. Kudos on your strength.




fallensoldier said:


> Finally, he sent a text and asked if I was okay, said he loved me, no matter our circumstances, and if I ever needed anything not to hesitate and contact him. I thanked him, and that was it.


Good job. Be polite and cordial, but don't give an inch. 



fallensoldier said:


> Within the past 2 months its been a rollercoaster of communications. Ive had to block his # twice. He proceeds to change his # and try contacting me once more. Unfortunately, with so many technological ways of reaching me, it's hard to just block his # and go about my life. He's used apps, and many other ways and Ive repeatedly told him to not contact me - as divorce procedures are going through, and I see no point of us speaking to one another. If we couldnt be friends through our marriage, what's the point of being "friends" now?


You amaze me with your strength and courage. Be proud of yourself for having that strength, not many people would, especially someone like you who is so kind and caring and giving as you've described yourself throughout this thread. Pat yourself on the back for standing tall against a tsunami of emotions.



fallensoldier said:


> I've gotten bittersweet texts, sweet, bitter, mean, honest, brutal, name it, I've seen it on my phone. Some have brought tears to my eyes, and some have made me come pretty close to breaking my phone. What does he want? and why is he doing this?


Because he is now going through what you already went through. You likely felt similar feelings that he is displaying on your phone when you were frustrated with his behaviour or when he was ignoring you when you were getting ready to leave, or even after you first left. He likely thought you were bluffing or would cave in, so while you were going through those emotions, he wasn't. Now that he understands that this is it and he's lost out on a great woman and wife, he's angry, sorrowful, resentful, sad, etc. and those wide-ranging emotions are being put on display in his texts to you because he views you as the source of those emotions. You aren't, he is. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> I thought maybe if we separated, and took a break from one another, maybe things can mend, maybe we can learn to communicate, maybe we can be friends. I did not leave with the intention of starting on our divorce right away. But then he made it clear numerous times that that's what he wanted, and so we got on it. And now that it's going through, he wants to give me he!LL about it.


He thought you were bluffing so he called your bluff, only to realize you were holding a royal flush. Now he's trying to hurt you because he's hurting. If you really still want to be friends after all of this, then just be polite and cordial and leave the door open to that. He has to walk through the door though. 



fallensoldier said:


> So, technically, I dont know why I'm writing.


Because it's good for you to let your emotions out, and who better to let them out to than a bunch of anonymous people on a message board, many of whom have gone through what you are going through now?



fallensoldier said:


> I do know Im a mess on the inside.


You should be. I'd be amazed if you weren't. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> I still have the love and support of the most amazing friends and family. I would have been a wreck without them.


Be sure to thank them and let them know it! 



fallensoldier said:


> I have applied for jobs, and have been interviewed for several. My career still looks good. I have applied for Grad school and am thinking of getting another degree in Psychology.


Good for you! Getting on with life is hard, but you are doing it the right way. Creating something positive and doing so through something which doesn't have much emotional implications. I'm proud of you!



fallensoldier said:


> But deep down, I feel like I might break anytime soon. I am putting on this facade in front of my family. I occupy my mind/time with as much possible until it is time for bed. I try not to be alone, because alone means thinking and thinking means breaking down.


IT WILL GET BETTER. I was were you are now, I was down, I was out and I thought about going back too. It's so tempting to go back, and you think it is because of him. But it's not. It's tempting to go back because it's what you know. You know that lifestyle, you knew how to cope with that lifestyle and your life was at least manageable with that lifestyle. You had one problem in that lifestyle -your husband- while right now you have a lot of problems with your current lifestyle. So you are reaching out mentally for what you know. It's similar to going through an addiction. You know cocaine is bad for you, but you want to go back because you know you can handle the lifestyle, even if the drug is killing you from the inside out.

IT WILL GET BETTER. Instead of thinking about breaking down, try thinking about getting up. Think about what school will be like. Think about getting your degree. Think about getting on in your career. Think about how you know you have a great support system in place and that when the time comes to meet another guy you will have a whole host of people to bounce thoughts off of to ensure you won't repeat the same mistake. Think about a future WILL involve a great man, wonderful kids, vacations, memories, and bliss. And all of that future is now before you and will be with someone who deserves it, not that ex-husband of yours. The hardest part is falling down. Getting up takes time, but the closer you get to getting up, the easier life will be. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> I do not want to break down, I dont want to give in to his controlling ways, and quite honestly I dont know what took me so long to get out of that lifestyle.


Because it's easier to live another day in that life than to go through what you are going through now, so each day you tell yourself "I can handle this relationship for one more day." In the end, all you've done is trade 2,000 yesterdays so you don't go through what you're enduring now.



fallensoldier said:


> So, why am I still feeling like a mess? Like a failure? My good days are extremely good, but my bad days are a mess. I hate feeling like this.
> 
> Just a rant ...


Rant away. It's good for you.

The feelings will go away. It's just self-doubt, because you aren't sure about yourself and the road you are on. You are on a road that you can't see the end too, and that scares you. When you reach the end of this road, you will look back and be so thankful you walked it, so happy with where you end up. The last thing you'll feel like is a failure for the road and you'll regret for not walking it sooner.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I still keep in touch with his brother and his father. If it were up to me I would cut ties with everyone right now, but they have been so supportive and loving I dont want to do that to them. His father is sick and old, was in the ICU about two weeks ago because of his diabetes. I was informed through my brother in law. I called last week to speak to him after he'd been released, wanted to wish him well. Well, a few days later I got a text from STBXH, basically asking me to f*ck off, not contact anyone from his family, that he forgot about me, got over me, wants nothing to do with me anymore, and he "hopes I understand".


Ignore him. If his family wants you to go away, trust they will ask you to themselves. Be thankful you have a family that stills wants to keep you included and embrace it and help forge a long-standing relationship with them. My ex-wife's family completely ignored me after me and her split, and that was very painful. After 10 years, they become a part of your life and even though me and the ex-mother-in-law didn't like each other much, she still was a part of my family, so it was hard to have her ignore me. Meanwhile my family was very outwardly supportive of my ex-wife. Be greatful for what you have and based on what you've said in the past about his family, they likely enjoy having you in their life still as well. 



fallensoldier said:


> I did not reply. I dont need that kind of drama or poison in my life. I was itching to reply, and could have replied something much more hurtful than anything he could ever say to me, but, whats the point? I could have also kept the text, read it a million times, sulked and pouted about it, but instead I chose to delete it and forget it even happened.


100% correct. Kudos to you. You really are dealing with this situation with amazing logic. Good for you!



fallensoldier said:


> Funny thing is, he plays victim. I honestly cannot grasp WHY?!


My ex did as well, and still does. Honestly, my ex and yours sound similar in some things and I think it boild down to accepting responsiblity. My ex couldn't, and it doesn't sound like your ex-husband does either. To accept responsibility means he was at fault, and he can't do that, so it's easier for him to blame you than admit he was wrong. 



fallensoldier said:


> Before I left, we had confrontations, and decided we would reconciliate, or try to atleast. But I did tell him I needed full exposure. I told him about the suspicions I had, showed him proof, he came clean with the things he wanted to come clean about. He said he wasnt having sex with me because he felt like he was married to a man, not a female. Basically, the full on blameshifting. We were communicating constantly, and I thought I'd seen improvement. But something in my gut told me this guy was playing me for a fool, and there's no way I'll let anyone on this earth play me for one. Again, I started snooping, and came across a few things, more confrontations, more excuses, then he came clean with more things. I demanded all passwords, all accounts, everything, and he gave me what I asked for. Well, after going through everything I just knew it was over. But, I was still in denial. We had the whole hysterical bonding for about 3-4 days. PDA, intimacy, romance, everything that I could have ever asked for, but it just felt ... not right. He tried his everything to keep me in a good mood, constantly, and I just couldnt shake things out of my head.


Nor should you have too.

It amazes me that some of this sounds so familiar to what I went through towards the end of my relationship with my ex-wife. I had all the suspicions and all of that as well, and I actually hacked into her e-mails and found out she was having multiple on-line affairs, sending nude pictures, etc. I also think someo of those went into physical affairs, but I can't prove that. I know contact was made though, so it's not much of a stretch that it could have gone physical.

I did stay for a while after the final time I found out (I think there was about three waves of EA's I found), with my kids being a big factor as well as the fact I was worried how my family would recieve me if I divorced. In the end I left after she attacked me over an e-mail I sent a co-worker. Essentially she got mad at me for being nice to my co-worker (who was female). While I admit I was saying thing sin the e-mail i shouldn't have said (nothing sexual or flirty, but I was talking to her about some emotional issues and I knew my wife wouldn't have approved) what got me was she was attacking me for something which was nowhere near as bad as anything she'd done in the past, not even in the same ballpark, and done countless times as well I might add. 

My point is, I couldn't shake those things either, and when I did leave I was set to leave for good to. That's when all the apologies, all the promises of "I'll do what you want" and "you were right, we do nedd to...." came out. They all sound so good at the time, and you so want to believe them, but you also know they are promises which will prove to be short-lived and will eventually get twisted around and used against you if you stay.



fallensoldier said:


> I told him how I felt, he said I betrayed his trust, because I had promised I would put things behind us if he revealed everything, I broke down and told him I just couldnt. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't trust him anymore. Thats when I opted for out.


"Yeah, I took you for a fool and totally went against my word, lied to you about what I was doing, hid things from you and did things no husband should do, but you betrayed my trust..." That sounds so familiar. Blameshifting indeed.



fallensoldier said:


> I spend alot of time at the gym. Try to release as much anger and rage as possible in there. I have also joined a kickboxing class - I've lost 7 lbs since leaving and have never felt more confident about my body. I read alot too, write, listen to music, road trip, keep myself occupied - I hope to become employed very soon, and hopefully things will get alot better from here. I just needed to get back on here, for closure maybe? Journal entries perhaps? Idk why, I just owe it to myself to finish my story on here, wrap it up as divorce comes through, and then hopefully start to help people that are in my shoes someday, maybe ...


Fallen, I hope your story never ends on here. I hope this is but a small chapter and you keep coming here for as long as I do, and that I get to enjoy reading about your future successes, you achievements, your eventual relationship with a truly great guy, your kids, and everything else. You are taking strides towards a better life, and I'm proud of you for that. As I said, somewhere out there some guy is getting a blessing out of you leaving your husband and he doesn't even know it. Keep us informed of all that comes yur way and by all means, keep posting!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I for one am impressed by your strength. You've gone through a lot and as far as I can see have taken the high road at every turn. You should be proud of yourself. 

I can't imagine anyone who's ever gone through it will ever tell you divorce is easy. For me it was the most difficult thing I've gone through in my life to date. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. 

I do know however when it's that last viable alternative it is possible to come out the other side stronger and smarter. For myself and many I've talked to it is a real roller coaster of emotions. You'll have highs and lows. Do your best to stay positive, make good decisions for yourself and the highs will last longer and the lows will get shorter and further between.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Well, before I get to anyone's post I must let out SO much ... I'm a wreck ...

Kingsfan - I appreciate your words of wisdom more than you could ever know ... it always means so much to me to find something on here from you ...

Martime - you impressed with me is a feeling short lived my friend .. prepare yourself ...

So, just when I thought I was actually doing OKAY, and maybe learning to get past this entire nightmare in my life, I was proved wrong. I cannot believe it was only 24 hrs ago that I was complaining of having not cried in 2 months and last night I spent my entire evening bawling my eyes out. I haven't slept and I feel like a fvcking mess. 

Yesterday afternoon, my brother in law called me up -- we haven't spoken in a while, I ignored his call, because I think I should wane down my communication with anyone from WS side of the family, just for my healing process atleast ... he then texted me to "call whenever I'm free" - so, I did. 

Few mins into our convo, stbxh walks into his bro's apartment - unexpectedly, my bro in law had me on speaker, but then says "okay, Bryan, let me call you back" and well, I hung up. Almost immediately after my hang up with him I get another phone call .. voice on the phone says "do you know who this is??" -- it was stbxh ... well, here I am grasping the fact that his voice, which now seems so foreign, is in my ears, irritated, my heart starts to pound, and before I could even answer, he asks the q is. I say, what do you want AAA? He proceeds to yell, and threaten, and curse, so I hung up on him. He tries calling again and I ignore his call this time, so he starts texting the most cruel, hateful, mean texts I have ever seen. 

Usually I do not reply to his texts, I havent texted him since I left him, as my mind is made up and I see no point in constant communication between us. It only makes things harder. So, I bit my tongue, worked out, occupied my mind, did what I would usually do when I get these hateful texts from him. BUT, I just couldnt do it anymore. Normally, any other human might get the picture of a no response, but this @$$wipe wasnt, and I just felt the more I ignored his text, the more he thought he could walk all over me with them. SO, I let him have it. I was in rage and so happy to have had the chance to let him know what he really is. Then the tears came. Like a river. 

Later he told me that he has a new gf, and that shes pregnant, already. I honestly didn't know how to react to that. I still do not know how to react to it. In my heart, I feel like it's a lie, but who could be that cruel to joke about such serious matters?

According to him, she's due in October, and if I did the math correctly, he had her knocked up as soon as I left his state ... which is something I highly doubt since he texted me a week later and was trying to get me to return. So, quite honestly, I dont know what this narcissistic bastard is up to. 

So, there. I guess Im not as strong as I thought. I still allowed this pvnk to crawl under my skin and get to me, and I finally broke. I give in to his plan and broke. I became weak just as he's been wanting me to and today I feel ... almost, dead. 

Write again soon.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I for one am impressed by your strength. You've gone through a lot and as far as I can see have taken the high road at every turn. You should be proud of yourself.
> 
> I can't imagine anyone who's ever gone through it will ever tell you divorce is easy. For me it was the most difficult thing I've gone through in my life to date. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
> 
> I do know however when it's that last viable alternative it is possible to come out the other side stronger and smarter. For myself and many I've talked to it is a real roller coaster of emotions. You'll have highs and lows. Do your best to stay positive, make good decisions for yourself and the highs will last longer and the lows will get shorter and further between.


This really is the worst thing I have ever had to go through in my life, and I have been through ALOT. 

I, too, do not wish this on my worst enemy. I constantly feel like I'm at war. With him, with myself, with my brain, with my heart, with memories ... I'm just a fvcking wreck today.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up. There's no one size fits all recovery plan. Some immerse themselves in work; some in their children; some in booze or drugs and others in sleeping around. You have to find what's right for you. Like you, I like exercise as a stress reliever. It burns off nervous energy, makes it easier to sleep and produces endorphins. All good things at a time like this. 

He's hurting and he's trying his damndest to make sure you're hurting too. Telling you he's gotten another woman pregant is obviously meant to hurt. If it's true I feel sorry for the child born of that union. I can't see anything good coming out of a revenge relationship. 

The key, which is easire said than done, is to detach yourself. Avoid getting pulled down in his drama. You have enough of your own at this point.

Take care,


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> So, just when I thought I was actually doing OKAY, and maybe learning to get past this entire nightmare in my life, I was proved wrong.


No you weren't, you just had a bad day. As I said, expect this stuff to last at least six months. You are only two months in, so you're right on schedule.



fallensoldier said:


> I cannot believe it was only 24 hrs ago that I was complaining of having not cried in 2 months and last night I spent my entire evening bawling my eyes out. I haven't slept and I feel like a fvcking mess.


Isn't breaking up fun! All par for the course unfortunately. but IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> Yesterday afternoon, my brother in law called me up -- we haven't spoken in a while, I ignored his call, because I think I should wane down my communication with anyone from WS side of the family, just for my healing process atleast ... he then texted me to "call whenever I'm free" - so, I did.


Good plan, if you are talking to much to that family. As I said, I support staying in contact, but don't let it be to much or it does interfere with your seperation.

Additionally, why is the brother-in-law contacting you so much? It seems weird he wants to talk to you so much. Does he have interest in you? If so, I'd break off all contact, immediately. That'd make for a very awkward and difficult situation and will only make things much harder for you, for a much longer time.

Few mins into our convo, stbxh walks into his bro's apartment - unexpectedly, my bro in law had me on speaker, but then says "okay, Bryan, let me call you back" and well, I hung up. Almost immediately after my hang up with him I get another phone call .. voice on the phone says "do you know who this is??" -- it was stbxh ... well, here I am grasping the fact that his voice, which now seems so foreign, is in my ears, irritated, my heart starts to pound, and before I could even answer, he asks the q is. I say, what do you want AAA? 

So the BIL calls you 'Bryan' I assume to convince your ex he's talking to someone other than you) and almost instantly you get a phone call from your ex, who knows it was you talking to his brother? Seems like the BIL was all to willing to confess who he was talking to, and to me, I question how 'unexpected' it was that your ex was there. I wager he was there all along and you were told he walked in.

Also, your ex asked what? And what about AAA?



fallensoldier said:


> He proceeds to yell, and threaten, and curse, so I hung up on him. He tries calling again and I ignore his call this time, so he starts texting the most cruel, hateful, mean texts I have ever seen.
> 
> Usually I do not reply to his texts, I havent texted him since I left him, as my mind is made up and I see no point in constant communication between us. It only makes things harder. So, I bit my tongue, worked out, occupied my mind, did what I would usually do when I get these hateful texts from him. BUT, I just couldnt do it anymore. Normally, any other human might get the picture of a no response, but this @$$wipe wasnt, and I just felt the more I ignored his text, the more he thought he could walk all over me with them. SO, I let him have it. I was in rage and so happy to have had the chance to let him know what he really is. Then the tears came. Like a river.


While I understand why you did it, try to not do that again. There could be a reason he's been trying to provoke you, hoping you'll say something terrible that he can use against you (such as a threat). Ignore him, but save all his texts for future reference. Also, contact the police and explain the situation and ask for a restraining order or some other form of a non-contact order so that he can't text you/call you without getting in legal trouble. That could stop the problem. 



fallensoldier said:


> Later he told me that he has a new gf, and that shes pregnant, already. I honestly didn't know how to react to that. I still do not know how to react to it. In my heart, I feel like it's a lie, but who could be that cruel to joke about such serious matters?


Based on what you've written about your ex, yes, I could see him saying that to be an ass. Also, while it's hard not to react, try not to. What he does in his life after this is irrelevant, so try not to let it bother you. He wants it to bother you, or else he wouldn't have told you, so try not to give him what he wants.



fallensoldier said:


> According to him, she's due in October, and if I did the math correctly, he had her knocked up as soon as I left his state ... which is something I highly doubt since he texted me a week later and was trying to get me to return. So, quite honestly, I dont know what this narcissistic bastard is up to.


Or it could support the throery some posters had that he was screwing around on you. Just because he wanted you back doesn't mean he wasn't screwing around. Remember, you were also his financial support, so he had multiple reasons to want you back.



fallensoldier said:


> So, there. I guess Im not as strong as I thought.


Yes you are. Someone weak of mind would not be where you are right now.



fallensoldier said:


> I still allowed this pvnk to crawl under my skin and get to me, and I *finally *broke. I give in to his plan and broke. I became weak just as he's been wanting me to and today I feel ... almost, dead.


You are reaching the bottom. It's only up from here. But keep in mind the bolded word. Finally. You didn't break immediately, you didn't break quickly, you didn't break slowly, you broke* finally*. That implies strength. That implies you persevered through difficult times that would have broke others and battled on. And it indicates you will get back up and battle on again. Remember, it will take six months or more to adjust your life, this is just the middle ground. But you are through the toughest parts. You are working towards easier days. His anger will subside, he will move on with his life. Your career will begin to come to fruition. Your job will eventually start and become stable. You will develop a new group of friends, new hobbies and eventually, a new man. IT WILL GET BETTER.



fallensoldier said:


> Write again soon.


Please do.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> This really is the worst thing I have ever had to go through in my life, and I have been through ALOT.
> 
> I, too, do not wish this on my worst enemy. *I constantly feel like I'm at war.* With him, *with myself, *with my brain, with my heart, with memories ... I'm just a fvcking wreck today.


The bolded is pretty much bang on. You are at war, with your emotions, your mind, your self-esteem, your self-confidence. You are treading into the great unknown, on several fronts. It's not easy, and life is built around security. Right now, you have none in many different things in your life. As that security begins to settle in, your life will get back in order and you'll feel better.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Gmorning King -- Happy Friday! 

I think I owe it to you to constantly remind you just how much I enjoy your posts - and I think you have great observation skills. We almost think identical, you and I.

I don't think my BIL is trying to make any passes at me. I think he just feels like he owes it to me to be by my side, atleast until I get on my feet. Before returning home, him and I got pretty close, he does live in the same state as STBXH and when I discovered the cheating and lies he was the one person that I went to immediately and he stood by me throughout it all. He did use "Bryan" as a coverup because he knows that my STBXH does not want me to contact any of their family members. Although, I do understand your point of view, and way of thinking, I'm almost positive it wasn't a set-up. 

Also, one of my first discoveries of EA's (2 years ago) - again, my BIL was by my side, and so he knows every detail from the beginning. Two years ago, again, I had my reasons to be suspicious and had confronted STBXH - stupid me, I actually thought he would be honest, but obviously he made an excuse for everything that seemed suspicious. I then purchased a log, started saving and taking notes of all his things -- eventually things escalated for him quickly with his online affairs, and I had all the evidence I needed. I collected everything while he was out one evening, packed my bags, booked a ticket, and decided I would confront him as soon as he walked through the door. Well -- we plan and God laughs ... that same evening STBXH's mom passed away - and I put everything aside to stand by him. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. He had no clue as to anything I had discovered or known. My BIL flew to our state for his mom's funeral, we were living in different states at the time ... and I was a complete mess. There was just too much going on in my head, funeral preps, being cheated on, too many emotions. 

I didn't come clean with anything until 2 days after MIL passed away. I discovered that my STBXH had no integrity whatsoever, he was still fvcking around, while I was dying on the inside. I confided in my BIL, who basically sat both of us together, tried to get things to work out between us -- BIL begged me not to abandon his brother, that he needed me, he promised it would be his last chance and if "heaven forbid" anything was to occur in the future, I should just walk out. 

So, this discovery, I immediatly told BIL and FIL about, FIL knows about everything from the get go as well, and both told me to run and never look back. They constantly apologize on his behalf, they think the world of me and think he's an @$$ and they sincerely believe that karma will eventually catch up with STBXH. 

SO -- in conclusion -- no, BIL isn't hitting on me  ... but, I agree, I have to cut down our talks, and I have been doing so for the past two days. He calls, and I text "busy now, call you later" and later on I text "sleepy now, call you in the morning" and so forth ... eventually, he will get the picture. I even texted BIL last night and briefly explained that I would like to be left alone for a while, that although I know he has my best interest at heart, I need my me time, and I dont need any poison in my life -- he's not the poison, but his brothers tactics, motives, lies, lifestyle, the whole nine yards is poison and I don't want anything to do with that for now. 

So, moving on to better news --- I got a job! A wonderful one too! I mentioned going to a few interviews after moving home, and yesterday I got the call that I've been waiting weeks for! Great position, wonderful pay -- I was elated. Things really are starting to get better -- I KNOW I wont always be this elated and happy, but I do know this position will keep me occupied well enough until the pain starts to fade and as my career grows I am sure things will start to get so much better. I start on Monday and am really looking forward to this journey. 

"AAA" -- is what I used as a coverup for STBXH's name ... I said what to you want "AAA" ? while on the phone with him. He was asking if I knew who he was, which at first, when I heard his voice, I was thinking my mind is playing tricks on me, before I could be sure if I'm hearing correctly, he proceeded to scream the Q again. I did tell him I would get a restraining order later on in my texts, I do have those saved, and if he does contact me again I do plan on getting one. His game is so over.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Gmorning King -- Happy Friday!
> 
> I think I owe it to you to constantly remind you just how much I enjoy your posts - and I think you have great observation skills. We almost think identical, you and I.


Happy Friday to you as well! I think you should go kick your ex in the crotch. I bet you do too. 



fallensoldier said:


> I don't think my BIL is trying to make any passes at me. I think he just feels like he owes it to me to be by my side, atleast until I get on my feet. Before returning home, him and I got pretty close, he does live in the same state as STBXH and when I discovered the cheating and lies he was the one person that I went to immediately and he stood by me throughout it all. He did use "Bryan" as a coverup because he knows that my STBXH does not want me to contact any of their family members. Although, I do understand your point of view, and way of thinking, I'm almost positive it wasn't a set-up.


Good to have an ally, huh? I'd just refrain from getting to close, even if you don't think he's interested. Keep in mind that at some point you will find another love interest, and if you are really close to your ex's family, it could cause friction between you and your ex's family (sometimes they have a hard time excepting you are 'over' their brother/son) or between you and your new love interest (some people have a hard time understanding staying close to an ex's family). I'm not saying cut off all communitication by any means, but attending family picnics and reunions may be a bit much, lol.

Btw, who cares what your STBXH thinks. You are an adult and so is his brother, and neither of you owe him anything. If he doesn't like it, he can go shove it.



fallensoldier said:


> Well -- we plan and God laughs ... that same evening STBXH's mom passed away - and I put everything aside to stand by him. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. He had no clue as to anything I had discovered or known.


Embrace that. It shows you have a great deal of strength and can persevere through hardships. That's a good character builder right there.



fallensoldier said:


> but, I agree, I have to cut down our talks, and I have been doing so for the past two days. He calls, and I text "busy now, call you later" and later on I text "sleepy now, call you in the morning" and so forth ... eventually, he will get the picture. I even texted BIL last night and briefly explained that I would like to be left alone for a while, that although I know he has my best interest at heart, I need my me time, and I dont need any poison in my life -- he's not the poison, but his brothers tactics, motives, lies, lifestyle, the whole nine yards is poison and I don't want anything to do with that for now.


Good call. Don't cut off the communication completely if you don't want to. This is the biggest benefit of being single, you can do whatever the **** you want! So if you want to talk to your BIL, go ahead. I wouldn't be talking every day, but treat him like a normal friend or family member. Don't drift apart because you need to keep your ex out of your life. He burned the bridge, not you, and it seems your BIL and FIL grasp that as well. Btw, I'm sorry to heard your MIL passed. I know it was a while ago, but I do hope you are doing well with that. God bless.



fallensoldier said:


> So, moving on to better news --- I got a job! A wonderful one too! I mentioned going to a few interviews after moving home, and yesterday I got the call that I've been waiting weeks for! Great position, wonderful pay -- I was elated. Things really are starting to get better -- I KNOW I wont always be this elated and happy, but I do know this position will keep me occupied well enough until the pain starts to fade and as my career grows I am sure things will start to get so much better. I start on Monday and am really looking forward to this journey.


CONGRATS! :smthumbup: This will be a big step, assuming it works out as you hope. Getting something stable in your life will really help help your life settle. I look at it like a 168-part plan, as there are 168 hours in a week. 40 hours (I assume) are now settled for work. Counting sleep and other activities (you mentioned kick boxing was it) you must have a good chunk of that 168 hours accounted for one way or another. It's going to be those 3-4 hours a night when you're home, but before you go to bed, that are the hardest. For a while, do what you can to fill those with things you like, whether it's going out with friends (not sure if you've made any after the move yet), taking classes, going to school, going to movies, whatever works for you. The less time you have to sit around and stew, the sooner you'll get over this and move on and heal. You really are doing very well.

"AAA" -- is what I used as a coverup for STBXH's name ... I said what to you want "AAA" ? while on the phone with him. He was asking if I knew who he was, which at first, when I heard his voice, I was thinking my mind is playing tricks on me, before I could be sure if I'm hearing correctly, he proceeded to scream the Q again. I did tell him I would get a restraining order later on in my texts, I do have those saved, and if he does contact me again I do plan on getting one. His game is so over.[/QUOTE]

Oh, ok. I thought AAA was referring to Triple A, like the Automotive Association of America, lol. I was thinking "You have a car with him?"

Good on you mentioning the restraining order. Now be sure to be cordial in any more communication to him, so he doesn't get the same idea and fire one at you. It doesn't look good to have one against you. 

And good on you for standing tall to him and not letting his 'game' intimidate you. If anything, his actions versus yours show who is the real sofisticated individual and who is the ass clown. Seriously Fallen, you should go to the CWI section and read some of the stories of people who have broken up with their spouses an see how long it took them to recover. Some of them have taken years, several years. I know you're not 'recovered' fully yet, even you acknowledge that, but where you are at after 2+ months is very impressive, and your strength is much higher at this stage than I would have expected. You deserve a pat on the back.

I know for me, it was as I said, a good six month before my head stopped spinning. At the time I didn't think it was spinning, as I was just going through the motions, but looking back on it, I could tell I wasn't where I needed to be and was more or less on autopilot at that point emotionally speaking. I refused to deal with the pain of all of it and it took a few years for me to really overcome my issues. I'm not even sure I'm 100 per cent over all of it, as I have some rage still towards my ex, but it's not nearly what it once was. 

I think in hindsight what my rage was mostly about wasn't so much what my ex did in the relationship, such as the cheating or the mistreatment towards me, but rather that after we split she couldn't even give me credit for the good I did and acknowdlege I was a good person. It's like you walk away from all those years invested in someone and they can't even admit they did anything wrong or that you were a good person. I imagine you are feeling the same thing right about now too. All that time invested and now you're talking about getting a restraining order. It's sad and pathetic really.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Update available in my other thread ...


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

he may be hooked on strippers in these clubs, my husband has a real thing for mistresses, etc,he searched endlessly for them online, even booking a couple, I suspect the strip clubs etc is where you would find your husband till 3am


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