# 15 Years and time to walk away?



## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Such a painful thing to write, but I am flooded with thoughts that my relationship to my once upon a time soul mate, is over.

We're probably like most people that end up in this situation, I guess some make it and for some it just wasn't meant to be.

My fiancee is a wonderful mum to our 2 children, she looks after so much in the house and works hard (as do i) to make sure that ends meet and we can provide a home for our family.

3-4 years ago, we seperated for about a month, the feeling of being in a relationship with someone that treated me more like their housemate than their lover, eventually got too much for me to take and i was certain I had fallen out of love with her.

We eventually got back together after about a month, although i remember when i was away i felt so free and like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. i still knew and fully accepted my responsibilities as a father and to continue to pay my share or the bills/mortgage to ensure my 2 sons (then 2 and 5) were secure. i could not help feel that i returned to her out of guilt, for imagining how bad i was making her feel, breaking her heart, tearing down the world around my kids, i know now that these were not the right reasons to stay together, but i did it.

So now 4 years on, kids 5 and 8, and i've hit rock bottom again :-( there is little to no intimacy between us, if there is it is always instigated by me. there are rarely little hugs/cuddles when getting in from work and it is hard to come back to a home every day with no sign affection when you get there let alone throughout the day, over may years this has such an effect on you.

There would be times we could be intimate, but after reading many posts on here I think this comes down to me being a touch based person and her in actions/time around. it would always be me instigating it, if i dont it generally doesnt happen, and thats so depressing its killing me inside. sex is a rarity and more something that just happens and is over and done with, left thinking "great", sex isnt the be all and end all but the affection/intimacy is, as without this what is there between a couple that differentiates them from just being friends.

again i am feeling to scared to end it, what it would do to her, i know my kids would be ok, probably be even happier through more quality time together, but i am ridden with the guilt of being the failing husband/father and it is destroying me inside (surprised i can type at the moment through the tears lol). the first time we split, i left, that was it, tears reasons the lot and we tried to address all of this when i came back. this time ive done it the other way, ive said i dont think things are working and that we can carry on, ive tried talking but i dont think its going to work, but i havent left yet although dont think i can stomache another day more of this pain.

i dont think i can tell her again that everything will be ok, that i can be happy with myself in a week a month a year thinking that everyhting is ok, and i dont want to feel like this again or hurt her.

i am so lost right now, we talked four weeks ago and i said things had to change, i feel so unloved and alone, i dont think she really knew what to say or took it onboard completely, she thought i felt like she was about to leave me, i told her no it wasnt that and how we were 3-4 years ago was happening again.

now its a month on, things didnt really change, we're good mates but nothing more, there is no intimacy/affection between us, we spoke monday and i said i thought things hadnt improved and didnt know what to do next, its now thursday and i am still lost. she knows she is not very affectionate, it has come up many times and every time she says she will improve on it but ultimately we always end up back at the same point.

she accused me yesterday (with my mum trying to mediate) of wanting to live free and easy and that i would not get out of anything less than 50/50 sharing of the kids. i told her i love my kids and none of that would change, i would still pay everything i do now, but i cannot handle being in an emotionless relationship anymore and do not want the kids thinking that how we are with eachother is how a loving couple should be. i know she probably said this out of anger, but where is the "i love you - i dont want you to leave or us to break up" i feel like her reaction is to make me feel guilty first at failing as a partner/father. i questioned if she really truely loves me, she says she does but i am not convinced she can do if she can live like we have been.

is there any hope? i dont think i can get over this feeling that it is over and that she is just trying to cling on to things out of fear of being alone. i am 35 and she is 40. we both agreed that in the circumstances we would have split up if we didnt have kids, i know kids/finances etc put a strain on everything, but i still dont think thats a good thing for two people to agree on,. when i think about leaving my children, not seeing them every single day, it rips my heart open - but i dont feel the same about leaving her 

do i just need to grow a pair and leave? let her get on living the rest of her life? to find someone that she can truely be happy with?

LA


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello LA,

Your story is very similar to mine. You can find my thread on the 1st page, "not sure about anything anymore".

I don't think it's a matter of "growing a pair." I don't think your hesitation in causing your children and wife great distress indicates that you're cowardly.

First, a few questions to get out of the way:

- are you involved (emotional affair or physical affair) with another woman or have you in the past? marriages like yours and mine can lead to infedelity and/or sometimes be the result of infidelity

- have you two tried Marriage Counseling yet? a good marriage counselor could help you both understand what the other is going through

- was the affection in your marriage ever at a level that you were happy with? was she ever an hugger/kisser/cuddler, like say early in your marriage?

- do you think its possible that she's dealing with depression of some sort?

The more we know the easier it is to give advice. Thanks.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Hiya thanks for the reply, see below:



HoopsFan said:


> - are you involved (emotional affair or physical affair) with another woman or have you in the past? marriages like yours and mine can lead to infedelity and/or sometimes be the result of infidelity
> 
> The first time we split 3/4 years ago, there was another woman i was emotionally involved with, i wont go into all the cliches, but my response to that is basically this - if i was happy with my life/partner, i would never have allowed this person into my life/head. and these issues were present before that evolved. i didnt go looking for it, it just happened/developed, felt good didnt feel wrong, i guess thats how many of these things start. but if i had felt rock solid about my love for my partner (not wife we're engaged) and that things were good between us, i would never have let someone in like this.
> 
> ...


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Did your wife ever find out about the other woman 3/4 years ago? Did she forgive it and move on or is it still an issue?

No counseling isn't a miracle worker, but you if you want to be a good father and set a good example for your children, you should go and try to make the most of the experience - its something you haven't tried yet and so you owe it to your kids. I know sometimes marriages just can't be saved, but divorce has such a big effect on the kids, you should go ahead and try the counseling. It might even be free through one of your employers.

Have the two of you tried a vacation alone, maybe even just a one or two night trip? No, it's not a cure all, but maybe you'll discover there is still enough love there for the two of you to hold on to, something to build on.

I think letters a good means of communication. I wrote a letter to my wife a couple years ago and really laid it all out there. I had to do the letter because any time I tried to talk to her, she just would interrupt me or want to debate the first thing I said, not completely listen to all of my feelings. Like your wife, she'd just accuse me of wanting to leave her with the kids and start dating bimbos. Now, the letter didn't work wonders for me, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and say that I shared all of my feelings with her and did my part. It takes two to make a good marriage and you can only control your part of it.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Yeah, she reacted like that initially, but eventually calmed down and listened more to what I had to say and why I felt the way I do.

She acknowledges that she hasn't been very affectionate and knows it's one of her flaws, I challenged her and stated that perhaps she is, but just not with me (ie I dont make her feel that way inclined).

Like you, I feel I settled down too fast (was 21 and she was 26), before I knew it I had kids/mortgage everything around us.

I don't think you stated you ever left her before? I moved out for about a month, was to-ing and fro-ing helping with usual kids/school stuff etc, but I was technically gone.

She wasn't in a good way, would put on a brave face, but I don't think coped with it well at all. Like you, I kinda hoped that as she did to me 8-9 years ago, she would turn around and end it, but it never happened so I was the one doing it.

Break ups are very seldom mutual and someone will always be the "bad" person, I just hate being that person.

In terms of "divorce" as i said we're not married, i know the whole setup is the same bar the piece of paper. But she knows i would be here for my kids regardless of what happens between us.

I may try and take her out this Saturday, if I can get over this feeling that it is all too late, and that i dont want her to think i'm leading her on/giving mixed signals either.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Been talking to my mum about having kids sat night so we can go out, mum even offered to pay (result!).

I think that despite sooo many negative feelings/emotions, the fact that when I came out with everything she didn't just say "ok me too, cya!" makes me feel I owe it another try.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds good, man. Keep your head up. Some days are better than others.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

yeah, at the moment every minute is up and down for me, one extreme to the other, felt quite positive when i wrote that, now feeling crap again, grin and bear it i guess?!


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

sounds like you'd benefit from individual counseling. You might enjoy being able to get all of this off your chest in a 1-on-1 environment and get feedback regarding what you can do yourself to improve your emotional well-being. For one, I've found that when I spend too much time on this site, I start feeling like my problems are more urgent and intense than they are. 

Find a fun weekend project like maybe gardening or teaching your kids something like fishing or flying a kite. I don't mean to run from your problems, but I think dwelling on them is also unhealthy.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

thats because they are urgent, how long can you bury your head in the sand of the issues by keeping yourself occupied elsewhere?

i've done that enough over the years with various things, and i can honestly say, the feeling doesn't just go.

i feel like i am making myself deeply miserable by staying, and that this is starting to outweigh the guilt/concern of leaving.

i had a comment from a lady at work (12yrs older, im 35 shes 47) we've been work friends but nothing more, although i think i now realise she would like to be. i've only known her 3-4 months, yet i am so much happier around her, just talking etc, than i am in my home life. even if i stayed, how do i deal with that? i look forward to talking to her because of how she makes me feel and know it could turn into more. i dont feel i can commit to my partner any longer and not have feelings for this other woman, look forward to talking to her and so forth, even though i know you dont do that if you love the person you are with, even if this woman went away, would it just be someone else in 3-4 years time.

i dont want to feel like that, but i cant help it, its coming from my heart. my fathers father left his mother for another woman, they are still together today, very happy. my parents stayed together through a very rough/troubled marriage and are still together, but i can honestly say it wasnt good to witness as a child and as an adult now i have no idea how they stayed together.

these feelings were there before i met this other woman at work as well, and i think because of how i felt, i opened myself up to starting to feel something for her. 3-4 years ago, i moved out because of how i felt (so nothing to do with this other woman as we've only met recently) but ended up going back, probably for the wrong reasons, but that feeling that our relationship was based more on being housemates than lovers, and a massive lack of intimacy/affection, never went away... i cant even remember the last time we passionately kissed?

is it wrong of me to stay, wasting my time and hers, stopping both of us from moving on (even though she says she doesnt want to) if everytime i meet someone, it rocks my world to the core and again leaves me doubting what i have?


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Wow so quiet here, I guess im quite impatient :-(

Told her today that I havent made a decision, but we need to sit and really talk openly to decide if I stay or not.

She's sleeping at the moment as she works some nights, I know I have to start trying to think about my own happiness first, because that affects everything else around me, its just so hard to know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

Well, after a week of soul searching and reading so many depressing stories here of people stuck in relationships for the.wrong reasons, because they can't make that final decision, I am leaving my fiancee.

I will continue to be a loving father to my two sons and continue to pay what I do currently towards the.family home. I just can't ignore the voice.in my head/heart any longer telling me to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## torn&troubled (Apr 2, 2011)

I hear where you are coming from. I have been married for 15 years and have a 12 year old daughter. Just had an affair and now we are preparing to divorce. We have been without friendship and affection for a few years at least - I found it somewhere else. Ashamed and regretful. Decision to leave my wife would be easy were it not for the daughter. She is suffering from this. Hope that, if it happens, I can be a better parent for it, that a new future might be healthier. But uncertain of this. Divorce is scary.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

I feel for you, I took her out last night to talk about things, was like sitting with a stranger. We've not been fighting or anything and that was a lot of the problem, no communication eventually no intimacy or affection etc, 

I did.t blame her for everything, I took my share of the faults too, but not in many of her answers did I sense an urgent desire to keep us together. We got drunk and ended up talking a bit more freely, but its still a horrible feeling to talk to someone you thought you'd get old with/die with.

I can't help feeling resentment, after all the talking I feel she left in her mind a while ago now rather that. Scream or yell at me we need to fix things, and feel I've wasted the last few years or even more of my life.

I hugged my sons today and it was all I could do not to break down in front of them crying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

It sounds like you know what you want. I still think a counselor could help you through this, or at least give you some good ideas for how to talk to your children about his and shield them the best you can from the process.

At this point, there's nothing to gain from playing the blame game, so try to avoid that. Good luck buddy.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

lostaffection said:


> i had a comment from a lady at work (12yrs older, im 35 shes 47) we've been work friends but nothing more, although i think i now realise she would like to be. i've only known her 3-4 months, yet i am so much happier around her, just talking etc, than i am in my home life. even if i stayed, how do i deal with that? i look forward to talking to her because of how she makes me feel and know it could turn into more. i dont feel i can commit to my partner any longer and not have feelings for this other woman, look forward to talking to her and so forth, even though i know you dont do that if you love the person you are with, even if this woman went away, would it just be someone else in 3-4 years time.
> 
> i these feelings were there before i met this other woman at work as well, and i think because of how i felt, i opened myself up to starting to feel something for her. 3-4 years ago, i moved out because of how i felt (so nothing to do with this other woman as we've only met recently) but ended up going back, probably for the wrong reasons, but that feeling that our relationship was based more on being housemates than lovers, and a massive lack of intimacy/affection, never went away... i cant even remember the last time we passionately kissed?


so the last time you left 3/4 years ago, it was at the same time you were in an emotional affair, but you came back... and now, it sounds like you're starting another emotional affair with the woman at work and you're thinking about leaving. there's obviously a connection.. you probably didn't seek out this forum until after you'd met the woman at work and started having feelings for her either. I know you have legitimate problems at home, but these women and the fantasy of being either with them or in a relationship like these with another woman is what it is pushing you over the edge, from unhappy to it just being unbearable.

I'd encourage you to break off this budding EA before you leave your family. You may still decide to leave, but these EA's are total fantasy world. No woman is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. Before you met this woman, did you ever think you'd like a woman that was 12 years older than you? Probably not, but you're bending you own rules because you're so thristy for romance. I know what it's like to want that so bad. But this EA is clouding your judgment. They drive you so far away from your wife emotionally. Read up on emotional affairs and you'll see what I'm talkign about.


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

The connection is that I am not, and haven't been happy in this relationship for some time - and neither has she - I don't know if she's gotten into anything similar herself, but either way, I opened myself to this happening because I wanted something more.

Listen, I am actually a very level headed guy, I don't live in cloud cookoo-land, and fully realise that someone else is NOT perfect and WILL have their own set of faults to deal with. By no means do I see this as some form of escapism, I know my life will actually become even harder to manage (because I know my responsibilities - and then some - remain).

However, I also realise that my heart is not in it anymore and I just do not want to be here any more - I think it is that simple.

Believe me when I say I have cut ties to any other EA to focus on how I really feel with myself and my partner, and the feeling that I do not want to be with her remains.

At the end of the day - you can read everything you like on the internet on forums like this, you can confuse yourself even more and riddle yourself with guilt even more when people either offer, tell, or try to ram their opinions - or what is `right` - down your throat (i'm not accusing you of this btw ).

I know that in leaving - I am doing so for me, for my own happiness, and so that I will be a better/less stressed/happier father to my children because I will not feel like I am captive in a relationship I no longer wish to be in. I will be alone and not run to any OW - beyond that once my head is settled, if something develops then it was meant to be.

Every other though in my head, is that my heart is not there anymore - i love her - but just not as my partner/lover anymore, it's the worst feeling in the world to realise, but to try and justify it - or lie about it - is even worse, she deserves to be with someone who will truely love her with all their heart.

I have constantly dreamt of opening locked doors recently, or doors that I knew in my dream were previously locked - being suddenly open. Instances where I've needed a key to get through a door, and then found I already had it. No broken keys etc (read up on those too!).

My subconcious is screaming messages at me, and I am continually clouding my own thoughts/feelings with "what is right for other people" not what is right/best for me/those involved.

** "Before you met this woman, did you ever think you'd like a woman that was 12 years older than you? Probably not, but you're bending you own rules because you're so thristy for romance. I know what it's like to want that so bad. But this EA is clouding your judgment. They drive you so far away from your wife emotionally. Read up on emotional affairs and you'll see what I'm talkign about." **

You assume I set an age limit on love/feelings for someone else? my partner was 5-6 years older than me, I don't care about age - if you connect/fall for someone, age is not a barrier, I care more about their love of life/others/personality than age


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't cheat on her. If you are going to leave, fine, but don't have an affair which it sounds like you are doing (an EA)


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## lostaffection (Mar 31, 2011)

No as I stated I stopped that, I felt this way before anyone else came into the picture.

We never really moved on from the original split and have both been trundling along again (even though we knew the issues).

I know that my decision has to be based solely on `us` which just no longer works :-/


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