# Newlywed



## MorningRoll

Hi, I am recently married second time for both my husband and me. We are mid 30s, one son each, and we were both divorced several years before getting together. I currently stay at home to organize the household and take kids to and from activities and other parents houses. My husband recently was promoted in the construction business, and is currently on salary for the first time, and is in charge of entire projects, making him essentially a very busy man. 

Most of our conflict arises from his work schedule, old wounds, and miscommunication. Anyway, that’s my introduction to this forum.


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## EleGirl

What are you doing to fix the conflicts?


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## MorningRoll

I guess that’s why I’m here. It feels like no matter what I say, it’s seen as an attack or accusation. He works six days a week. Leaves before 5 am and doesn’t get home till 7 or 8 in the evening. Once home, he has to do his daily reports, prep for the next day, etc, before going to bed. He’s often not able to answer texts during the day, so I have to save everything until he gets home. Every other weekend, I have his son and my own son all day by itself. They are 9 and 11, so not quite toddlers, but they do require a lot of attention and reminders throughout the day. Not to mention driving to various activities. 

My stepson is a good kid, but he sees himself as too grown to listen to me. I’m mild mannered and rarely raise my voice. Plus my husband and I agreed to leave the discipline to Bio parents. Anyway, my husband this last Saturday evening after work told me he was going to go take his work truck to get the windows tinted on Sunday. I asked if he was planning to spend time with us since it was our only day of the week with him (one of two out of the month with his son). He got mad and said he “never gets to do anything he wants to do”. I was hurt that spending time with us was not what he “wants” to do with his time. Then he said his son is too old to need a “babysitter” as though that meant he didn’t require any time or attention whatsoever. 

Especially hurtful was that the weekend before we had invited all of my husbands friends over to drink, grill and we even went to a bar to go dancing and play pool. The weekend before that, he spent his Sunday off work outside working on his truck (his favorite hobby) while I cleaned and kept the children from fighting all day. So....it’s not like he ever seems to be doing things he doesn’t want to do at any point. 

But when I say things like that, he says dramatically that he will “never do anything ever again” since he isn’t alliwed. I’ve tried working on my phrasing (when you do x, I feel y), but that ends with him saying he “didn’t do anything wrong” because, in his mind, not cheating or womanizing is the only qualifier for a good husband, and I hurt my own feelings by taking his actions personally. 

I am not perfect and lose my temper plenty. I will readily admit when I say or do something hurtful. But I hate feeling like I can’t talk about the things that bother or hurt me without being accused of trying to start a fight.


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## Andy1001

Tell him he’s free to work on his truck on Sunday. Then let him know that the following Sunday is your day off and you expect him to look after the children. 
And don’t back down,he is one of these men that thinks his wife is sitting on her ass all day watching tv and reading romance novels and the kids don’t need looking after. He needs to be disillusioned very rapidly.


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## 3Xnocharm

He is working entirely too much. This is one of the fastest ways to lose your marriage. Marriage requires time spent together, I think 15 hours a week of one on one time is what is recommended, at minimum. Im sure he DOES feel like he never gets any time to himself, because he doesnt, really. He doesnt really get family time either. I can imagine that you feel pretty put upon keeping his son by yourself as well.. what would he do with him if you werent in the picture?

Why does he put in these hours, is he the owner of the business? He probably gets testy when you complain because he feels he is doing what is expected of him, meeting his responsibility of providing for the family. He needs to realize that actually being present is of the utmost importance, and he needs back off and make it a priority.

Also maybe its time you found a job as well, that would take so much pressure off of him. Those boys are old enough they dont need a parent at home full time.


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## 2ntnuf

He's a bit overwhelmed and needs his truck to get rid of the tension. You are overwhelmed and need to do something for yourself. You need to do something with your husband once in a while. He needs to remember that unless you work together, you'll lose the goal. Everything will fall apart. 

This is a mess, but he needs to have less to do at work, so he can get his work done there and not at home. He needs to have some help there, to free up a bit of time, then he will have some for you and the children. 

I wonder if he is taking on more than his job description calls for? 

Anyway, I tend to drop by and not come back to a thread. Sorry about that. I would like to simple give you some things to help you consider what to do. Sorry, I don't have the answers. If you can't talk with him, I don't know what you can do.


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## notmyrealname4

MorningRoll said:


> *But when I say things like that,* he says dramatically that he will “never do anything ever again” since he isn’t alliwed.* I’ve tried working on my phrasing (when you do x, I feel y), *but that ends with him saying he “didn’t do anything wrong” because, in his mind, not cheating or womanizing is the only qualifier for a good husband, and I hurt my own feelings by taking his actions personally.



Sounds like you're walking on eggshells. And that's a bad thing.


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## MorningRoll

Andy1001 said:


> Tell him he’s free to work on his truck on Sunday. Then let him know that the following Sunday is your day off and you expect him to look after the children.
> And don’t back down,he is one of these men that thinks his wife is sitting on her ass all day watching tv and reading romance novels and the kids don’t need looking after. He needs to be disillusioned very rapidly.


That’s a good idea! Although I would worry he’d let the boys play with fire or jump off the roof if I wasn’t around! 😂


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## MorningRoll

3Xnocharm said:


> He is working entirely too much. This is one of the fastest ways to lose your marriage. Marriage requires time spent together, I think 15 hours a week of one on one time is what is recommended, at minimum. Im sure he DOES feel like he never gets any time to himself, because he doesnt, really. He doesnt really get family time either. I can imagine that you feel pretty put upon keeping his son by yourself as well.. what would he do with him if you werent in the picture?
> 
> Why does he put in these hours, is he the owner of the business? He probably gets testy when you complain because he feels he is doing what is expected of him, meeting his responsibility of providing for the family. He needs to realize that actually being present is of the utmost importance, and he needs back off and make it a priority.
> 
> Also maybe its time you found a job as well, that would take so much pressure off of him. Those boys are old enough they dont need a parent at home full time.




His new job has him as in charge of a project, hiring crew, staying on budget, etc, but he is not the owner. He is also salary, so his pay doesn’t change no matter how much he works. Right now he’s saying he is trying to prove himself as an asset. But he does way more than his job requires (even running equipment to keep the flow). The paperwork waits until he gets home because he doesn’t know how to do it and I do. I do almost all of his admin work. I’ve tried to tell him to get me hired as his assistant since he is allowed to make hiring decisions, but so far he’s shy to approach the owner about it. It would be extra income, take off some of his workload and provide a little extra time together, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Last time I worked, we had a horrible time. Our house was never clean, we were always tired and fighting and I lost time with my son because I couldn’t make it to all of his school activities and practices. 

Before we got together, he didn’t see his son for a year (he worked out of state and just gave up fighting with his ex about being absent). I’ve just now gotten his son to trust me and us that we will be there for him and aren’t going anywhere.


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## MorningRoll

notmyrealname4 said:


> Sounds like you're walking on eggshells. And that's a bad thing.


He would say he walks on eggshells around me, so I don’t even know how to fix that.


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## wilson

MorningRoll said:


> I currently stay at home to organize the household and take kids to and from activities and other parents houses.


I think you may need to reconsider your position in the household. Based on the stress his job is creating, I think it would help a lot if you also got a job. This would mean he could take a lower-paying job that would likely be less stressful and time consuming. You could work part-time while the kids were in school. I'm sure there are benefits to not working, but you'll have to compare them to the financial impact it causes.

Being a construction manager is a high-stress job which takes a lot of time. Issues come up constantly that have to be dealt with, and they don't just happen between 8-5. So while there are things that can be done to tweak the time situation, the reality is that his future of being a construction manager will look a lot like this. He'll need to get a different job if you want more of a 8-5 schedule with weekends off.


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## MorningRoll

wilson said:


> I think you may need to reconsider your position in the household. Based on the stress his job is creating, I think it would help a lot if you also got a job. This would mean he could take a lower-paying job that would likely be less stressful and time consuming. You could work part-time while the kids were in school. I'm sure there are benefits to not working, but you'll have to compare them to the financial impact it causes.
> 
> Being a construction manager is a high-stress job which takes a lot of time. Issues come up constantly that have to be dealt with, and they don't just happen between 8-5. So while there are things that can be done to tweak the time situation, the reality is that his future of being a construction manager will look a lot like this. He'll need to get a different job if you want more of a 8-5 schedule with weekends off.


It probably would be less stressful if he didn’t have this job. But he loves this job. He’s worked for it for years. It wouldn’t matter if I worked, he’d not doing it to support us entirely. It’s his dream. The money is a nice bonus, but not the motivation. Even when he isn’t working, he’s working. 

He came home an hour early last week. I was cooking dinner. He said “I guess since I have an hour, I’ll go piddle in the garage”. I asked if he wanted to visit and tell me about his day. He said it was “boring” and went outside. He was out there until after 11. Never came into eat dinner (I only told him it was ready once). Then the next night fell asleep by 8 because he was so tired from being up so late the night before.


Also, me working is also because I can’t find a job. Over a year I looked for something, anything, without a bite. As a mother, the hours I could work make me unsuitable for retail, my education makes me overqualified for certain blue collar work and even after visiting a career counselor and attending job fairs, I have not had an interview. My last job was scrubbing toilets for a rich woman. She ended up going to prison for child abuse. So my references are non existent.


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## minimalME

I've never really understood this. Maybe I'm just missing something?

Anytime I've wanted a job, I've gone out into the world, and I got a job. 

Being overqualified has been the norm, but it's always been nice to have the money. I even stuffed envelopes at home for a company my ex-husband worked for. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I worked when I wanted, however much I wanted, and I made money to buy extra things for us.

When my children were teens, it was the same for them. When school was out in the summer, they all found jobs. Every single year. No one ever said, 'I can't find a job.'

Recently my youngest quit a job because the owner was making unkind, unprofessional comments about her body. It took her less than a week to find a new job.

If your children are 9 and 11 and in school, you could totally work a morning shift in the mall, at a bookstore, at Starbucks, etc., and be home for them in the afternoon.

:scratchhead:




MorningRoll said:


> ...I can’t find a job. Over a year I looked for something, *anything*, without a bite. As a mother, the hours I could work make me unsuitable for retail, my education makes me overqualified for certain blue collar work and even after visiting a career counselor and attending job fairs, I have not had an interview.


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## MorningRoll

minimalME said:


> I've never really understood this. Maybe I'm just missing something?
> 
> Anytime I've wanted a job, I've gone out into the world, and I got a job.
> 
> Being overqualified has been the norm, but it's always been nice to have the money. I even stuffed envelopes at home for a company my ex-husband worked for. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I worked when I wanted, however much I wanted, and I made money to buy extra things for us.
> 
> When my children were teens, it was the same for them. When school was out in the summer, they all found jobs. Every single year. No one ever said, 'I can't find a job.'
> 
> Recently my youngest quit a job because the owner was making unkind, unprofessional comments about her body. It took her less than a week to find a new job.
> 
> If your children are 9 and 11 and in school, you could total work a morning shift in the mall, at a bookstore, at Starbucks, etc., and be home for them in the afternoon.
> 
> :scratchhead:


I’m not making this up. I have applied to Starbucks, grocery stores, restaurants, on top of positions I was actually qualified for in the industry I have worked. I never even get an interview. I don’t know why. I have seen a career counselor for help on my resume. Maybe it’s the hours of availability. Maybe it’s the lack of direction. I don’t know. But I did try for a long time. Now I’m not trying because I have a very full schedule of things I don’t get paid for and my husband has the income that makes it not matter.


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## minimalME

Oh, I believe you. I just wonder what the difference is.

Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >





MorningRoll said:


> I’m not making this up. I have applied to Starbucks, grocery stores, restaurants, on top of positions I was actually qualified for in the industry I have worked. I never even get an interview. I don’t know why. I have seen a career counselor for help on my resume. Maybe it’s the hours of availability. Maybe it’s the lack of direction. I don’t know. But I did try for a long time. Now I’m not trying because I have a very full schedule of things I don’t get paid for and my husband has the income that makes it not matter.


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## Prodigal

minimalME said:


> Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >


^^THIS^^ times 1,000. I get the feeling your husband is afraid and/or embarrassed to let the boss know he isn't proficient in doing the paperwork. Well, tough. Stop doing it. NOW. You're just enabling him. If it's part of his job, then he needs to learn how to do it. 

My guess is if you say you won't do it, he'll go ballistic and bully/guilt you into helping him. Me? I'd tell him to go pound sand. YOU should be getting paid to do the work. You know it. He knows it.

P.S. - Your husband is just plain WRONG to be going overboard doing more than is required at his job to prove himself, while ignoring the paperwork he NEEDS to do on his own!


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## MorningRoll

minimalME said:


> Oh, I believe you. I just wonder what the difference is.
> 
> Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >


My only guess (and it’s just a guess) has to do with the fact that I sued a former employer and won. I know it’s not supposed to be public knowledge, but I haven’t had a single interview since that. And I never had a lapse in employment before.


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## MorningRoll

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS^^ times 1,000. I get the feeling your husband is afraid and/or embarrassed to let the boss know he isn't proficient in doing the paperwork. Well, tough. Stop doing it. NOW. You're just enabling him. If it's part of his job, then he needs to learn how to do it.
> 
> My guess is if you say you won't do it, he'll go ballistic and bully/guilt you into helping him. Me? I'd tell him to go pound sand. YOU should be getting paid to do the work. You know it. He knows it.
> 
> P.S. - Your husband is just plain WRONG to be going overboard doing more than is required at his job to prove himself, while ignoring the paperwork he NEEDS to do on his own!


Lol. It’s funny. He came home a few minutes ago, upset because his spreadsheet has a number discrepancy that has gotten worse each day. I tried to explain that his start number has to update each day, but he was too busy blowing me off to call his crew to find out who was fudging numbers. Just now he realized he’d never changed the number to reflect the day. I told him that was too bad and then went to take a bubble bath.


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## wilson

MorningRoll said:


> He came home an hour early last week. I was cooking dinner. He said “I guess since I have an hour, I’ll go piddle in the garage”. I asked if he wanted to visit and tell me about his day. He said it was “boring” and went outside. He was out there until after 11. Never came into eat dinner (I only told him it was ready once). Then the next night fell asleep by 8 because he was so tired from being up so late the night before.


This makes me so sad to hear. What is the back story of how you married each other? Was it always like this or did something change?


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## sunsetmist

I agree with @wilson. You want intimacy and connection with your husband. He wants space because he works too hard/long. He has little interest in being a father and may be trying to avoid this. I fear for your future. Do you know what happened to his first marriage/relationship?

How is your sex life? Are you friends? Tell us about the old wounds and miscommunication. 

I think stepbrothers 9 and 11 are too young and likely competitive to leave alone for very long. It would be against the law in my state and might become a question should custody decisions be challenged.

I feel your frustration--a housekeeper could do your job--little fulfillment or appreciation can break your spirit.


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## Marc878

Unless something changes this won't hold together for long.

Not sure how you'd fix this but there has to be some give on his part.

Starting a new position with all that responsibility is hard upfront and takes time to get smoothed out I've been there and done that but he's got responsibility at home too.


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## MorningRoll

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with @wilson. You want intimacy and connection with your husband. He wants space because he works too hard/long. He has little interest in being a father and may be trying to avoid this. I fear for your future. Do you know what happened to his first marriage/relationship?
> 
> How is your sex life? Are you friends? Tell us about the old wounds and miscommunication.
> 
> I think stepbrothers 9 and 11 are too young and likely competitive to leave alone for very long. It would be against the law in my state and might become a question should custody decisions be challenged.
> 
> I feel your frustration--a housekeeper could do your job--little fulfillment or appreciation can break your spirit.


His first marriage was very messy. His ex is vindictive and manipulative. And I’m not just taking his word for it. Every time I’ve spoken to her, I’ve been verbally assaulted with ridiculous accusations, threats, crazy assumptions, etc. He has scars from her biting him. . She had a child with someone else while married. She forged husbands signature waiving his right to be present at his own divorce. She was granted everything as a result. We’ve both had to set up strict boundaries with her and refuse to acknowledge anything that wasn’t directly related to childcare. It’s gotten a lot better in the last couple of months, but I can see where my husbands defenses come up. It’s like he’s preparing himself to be attacked and I’m caught off guard because I just wanted to talk about something that is important to me. We had started therapy before, but his work schedule got in the way. 


We are friends. Before the stress, we were really close. We could spend all day on an adventure together and I miss that. Now it’s like he wants to do “one thing” first and two hours later I’ll find him completely sidetracked by something completely random. Then we fight. 

Sex is ok. He never turns it down. But he never initiates either. We’ve discussed it, he’s promised to take initiative, but then he’s distracted by taking out the trash or whatever goes on in his head. Last week I’d gotten out of the bath. I asked him what he was doing (still wearing a towel). He said playing in his computer. I said I was waiting for him. He asked if I was going to bed. I said no....and smiled before going to the bedroom. Then I waited. And waited. Then I heard him turn on the tv. Apparently, he had no “way of knowing” what I meant by that and thought I was getting dressed.


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## minimalME

How long have you two been together?

I find all this so sad. And I'm honestly not trying to come across as unkind or judgmental. I'm very curious, because I'm divorced, and it just seems like it would take a lot to move me to marry again. It would have to work really, really well for both of us.

Do you feel like you were thorough in discussing all your major priorities before getting married? Do you feel like you knew who he was? Is any of this a surprise?


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## wilson

MorningRoll said:


> We are friends. Before the stress, we were really close. We could spend all day on an adventure together and I miss that. Now it’s like he wants to do “one thing” first and two hours later I’ll find him completely sidetracked by something completely random. Then we fight.


It's not uncommon for a man to be interested in the challenge of winning a woman over but then loses interest once he gets her. The thrill of the chase is what he's after. Once it because day-to-day normality, he gets bored.



MorningRoll said:


> She forged husbands signature waiving his right to be present at his own divorce. She was granted everything as a result.


This sounds like a huge warning sign to me. The legal system typically doesn't work like that. I can't imagine a judge would allow the divorce to proceed if he's saying she forged his signature. My first thought was that he is lying about what happened. A judge would not blindly accept a signature over his stern objections that it has been forged. Especially in something like this where it would be highly unusual for a spouse to sign everything away. I can totally believe his ex is crazy, but that's even more reason that a judge would believe that she forged his signature. Something is definitely fishy about this and you should look into it more. Perhaps see if you can find the official court transcripts from their divorce and see if his story lines up with what the judge said.

At this point, I feel my best advice would be to start planning your exit. I'm suspicious of what he's telling you about his past. I don't know what's up with his personality that he's treating you like this when you're newlyweds. It's not conducive to being a good husband. There's always the possibility he could change, but the reality is that it would take a lot of work and motivation on his part. I'm not sure how you even get him started down that path. Use this time to find some kind of job that you can fall back on if things don't work out. If by some chance things work out, great!, but you should also plan on how you would support yourself if it doesn't.


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## MorningRoll

wilson said:


> It's not uncommon for a man to be interested in the challenge of winning a woman over but then loses interest once he gets her. The thrill of the chase is what he's after. Once it because day-to-day normality, he gets bored.
> 
> 
> 
> This sounds like a huge warning sign to me. The legal system typically doesn't work like that. I can't imagine a judge would allow the divorce to proceed if he's saying she forged his signature. My first thought was that he is lying about what happened. A judge would not blindly accept a signature over his stern objections that it has been forged. Especially in something like this where it would be highly unusual for a spouse to sign everything away. I can totally believe his ex is crazy, but that's even more reason that a judge would believe that she forged his signature. Something is definitely fishy about this and you should look into it more. Perhaps see if you can find the official court transcripts from their divorce and see if his story lines up with what the judge said.
> 
> At this point, I feel my best advice would be to start planning your exit. I'm suspicious of what he's telling you about his past. I don't know what's up with his personality that he's treating you like this when you're newlyweds. It's not conducive to being a good husband. There's always the possibility he could change, but the reality is that it would take a lot of work and motivation on his part. I'm not sure how you even get him started down that path. Use this time to find some kind of job that you can fall back on if things don't work out. If by some chance things work out, great!, but you should also plan on how you would support yourself if it doesn't.


Quick thing, I will respond more in depth later, but I did not believe the forgery thing either. Then I was organizing legal documents and found letters from the lawyers about the forgery, the case was reopened, they went back to court and she was charged for it (though the judge went easy on her). He was able to reduce his payments and had his arrears erased.


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## MorningRoll

“How long have you two been together?
I find all this so sad. And I'm honestly not trying to come across as unkind or judgmental. I'm very curious, because I'm divorced, and it just seems like it would take a lot to move me to marry again. It would have to work really, really well for both of us.
Do you feel like you were thorough in discussing all your major priorities before getting married? Do you feel like you knew who he was? Is any of this a surprise?”

MinimalME we were together two years. But we grew up next door neighbors. He had a crush on me as teenagers, but I was focused on college and moving far away that o never paid attention. We reconnected after I had to move back home, jobless and defeated (he’d also moved back to the area between jobs). I didn’t want a relationship, and I spent the first year dating around and trying to figure out what I wanted. Eventually I found myself finding excuses to see him and staying up late talking. 

I outlined exactly what I wanted. He told me he wanted me to do whatever made me happy. Work, not work, volunteer, it didn’t matter. I told him I wanted a marriage that was more about being together than buying stuff. That I wanted to be home together ever night. He told me he wanted a best friend who loved him for him. We both wanted the same kind of adventures. We talked about everything from what kind of house we wanted, to parenting styles, division of chores, what to say when each other has a bad day, etc. We were all kinds of mushy. So the last month had been a huge change in our relationship.


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## sunsetmist

There has been a huge change the last month or longer. My guess is he doesn't want to become too close to you--doesn't want to risk more hurt, doesn't want more family either--because of the disaster in his first marriage. He discourages you sexually, doesn't want anything that contributes to feelings of connection, has reverted to a type of single life? Does he think you are 'better' than him since he depends on you for paperwork?

I am sad for y'all. I think you both need Individual counseling (IC) and then maybe marital counseling (MC). Would he do this if it was necessary to continue your marriage? I can't see long-term success otherwise.

Did something specific occur when things grew worse besides new job? Could he have met another woman? I recognize some of the actions and reactions in that my ex totally changed after we were married. I did the towel trick too--sorta humiliating to be rejected or have him pick a fight to avoid closeness. It grew much worse over the years. I'd like to see y'all do better than I did.


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## MattMatt

He is working too hard, is stressed out by it and he is working too many hours.

I'd suggest counselling but when would he fit it in?

This is difficult.


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## wilson

I'm glad there's an explanation about the ex-W forgery. It's bizarre that the judge didn't throw the book at her, but oh well.

I can't understand why he's being so rude to you. I can understand if he maybe needs time to recharge, but the things he says are hurtful and can have long-lasting consequences. There's a huge difference between saying "Honey, I need a little while to clear my head" versus saying "You're boring."

When I try to wrap my head around your relationship, I get the feeling like it was a romance on a reality show like "The Bachelor". During the show everything is so romantic and intense, but then afterwards the couples rarely stay together. Whatever artificial environment they were in during the show created intense feelings and they thought they were in love, but it was actually just a mirage. Were you his first relationship after the divorce? Maybe you both were just looking for someone to grasp onto and were so glad you could hang to each other that you both overlooked a lot of things. 

You guys probably need to go to marriage counseling. It probably would help to be in a structured environment where an objective person says "A marriage needs to have X, Y, and Z. Yours is lacking in those areas. Here's some steps to get you guys back on track." You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him where you say that the marriage isn't going very well and that you guys need help to fix it.


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## MorningRoll

sunsetmist said:


> There has been a huge change the last month or longer. My guess is he doesn't want to become too close to you--doesn't want to risk more hurt, doesn't want more family either--because of the disaster in his first marriage. He discourages you sexually, doesn't want anything that contributes to feelings of connection, has reverted to a type of single life? Does he think you are 'better' than him since he depends on you for paperwork?
> 
> I am sad for y'all. I think you both need Individual counseling (IC) and then maybe marital counseling (MC). Would he do this if it was necessary to continue your marriage? I can't see long-term success otherwise.
> 
> Did something specific occur when things grew worse besides new job? Could he have met another woman? I recognize some of the actions and reactions in that my ex totally changed after we were married. I did the towel trick too--sorta humiliating to be rejected or have him pick a fight to avoid closeness. It grew much worse over the years. I'd like to see y'all do better than I did.



I’m not sure if anything significant happened besides he now has a longer drive and does not make overtime. The first week that he worked 60 hours I was upset because I’d expected once he was salary that his hours would be reduced. Turns out it’s not the case. He takes the promotion seriously, partly because he’s always tried to prove he is “good enough” for me (his family and my family always said I’d never go for him), so he wants to be able to prove how well he provides. In his mind, he needs to work hard to prove himself, and I understand that about him. But I also don’t care about nice cars or shoes or anything. I’d rather spend money going out together for a nice dinner or to the beach than anything. And he did tell me last week that he just wants to make me happy, and when I’m unhappy, he is failing and it makes him angry at himself for not doing a good enough job.

I don’t think it would be another woman. It’s not really his personality to talk to or even look at women like that. He’s more likely to be drooling over a truck than any female. He doesn’t have female friends or work with females. He is the first person to hand me his phone and ask me to send a text for him, or read a text to him while he’s driving, or find a song to play on Pandora. 

He has done counseling with me before and would be willing to again. We just need to find a way to make time for it. But he’s not like me in the way that I overthink things or over analyze. Self awareness is not his strong suit. So he will take the counselor at face value and do whatever is asked of him. The problem is that my past is so much bigger than couples therapy that therapists often don’t know where to begin and his part always seems to get ignored. 

He may not want more kids. I’m not sure. I’ve always been the one undecided because I like having old children. He’s always said he’s ready to try when I am. But now that we are married, maybe he’s realizing how much less “me” time any of us would get?


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## MorningRoll

wilson said:


> I'm glad there's an explanation about the ex-W forgery. It's bizarre that the judge didn't throw the book at her, but oh well.
> 
> I can't understand why he's being so rude to you. I can understand if he maybe needs time to recharge, but the things he says are hurtful and can have long-lasting consequences. There's a huge difference between saying "Honey, I need a little while to clear my head" versus saying "You're boring."
> 
> When I try to wrap my head around your relationship, I get the feeling like it was a romance on a reality show like "The Bachelor". During the show everything is so romantic and intense, but then afterwards the couples rarely stay together. Whatever artificial environment they were in during the show created intense feelings and they thought they were in love, but it was actually just a mirage. Were you his first relationship after the divorce? Maybe you both were just looking for someone to grasp onto and were so glad you could hang to each other that you both overlooked a lot of things.
> 
> You guys probably need to go to marriage counseling. It probably would help to be in a structured environment where an objective person says "A marriage needs to have X, Y, and Z. Yours is lacking in those areas. Here's some steps to get you guys back on track." You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him where you say that the marriage isn't going very well and that you guys need help to fix it.



The best I’ve understood about that judge is that he is a small town judge who rules more based on feeling or even friendship than strictly the law. And my husbands lawyer had run against him for his judges position. She got off easily because she had three children at home and apparently cried a lot. &#55358;&#56631;&#55356;&#57339;*♀ She’s been with the father of her two youngest for six years. There were even paternity waivers in the divorce because she’d gotten pregnant while they were together, but the child wasn’t my husbands. Somehow she still managed to get maximum child support and alimony. How she managed, I can’t even begin to explain or understand. 

Anyway, no, it wasn’t either of our first relationships. He’s had a handful. Not an excessive amount, but a few, lasting anywhere from a few months to a year. Nothing overly serious. I’d jumped into a relationship post divorce, but then stayed single after that, just dating and figuring out what I wanted. I never wanted my son to be around new men, so I kept it all at arms length.

Maybe the bachelor is a good comparison. The heightened romance and seclusion...I can see it.

This week I’ve decided to keep to myself. I don’t text him at work at all. I make dinner when I’m hungry and leave it in the microwave for him when he gets home. I get what I need at the store and don’t ask if he needs anything. Tonight he went to his music room, so I went to the bedroom and started watching tv. He came in a few minutes later with his guitar, and started playing a song I mentioned I liked last week that he’d been trying to learn. Then he hung around in the room talking and showing videos of songs and singers he likes. More like his normal self. I guess it’s easier to appreciate someone when they aren’t there? 

He also mentioned that he’s overslept the past two days because I haven’t made him get up with his alarm. &#55357;&#56834; I thought that was pretty hilarious.

Anyway, the heart to heart is difficult. Confrontation always blows up in my face, even when I’m doing it through love and a desire to connect. He thinks anything he needs to change is somehow an attack on who he is. Like you can’t do something wrong without being a bad person completely.


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## sunsetmist

MorningRoll said:


> The best I’ve understood about that judge is that he is a small town judge who rules more based on feeling or even friendship than strictly the law. And my husbands lawyer had run against him for his judges position. She got off easily because she had three children at home and apparently cried a lot. ����*♀ She’s been with the father of her two youngest for six years. There were even paternity waivers in the divorce because she’d gotten pregnant while they were together, but the child wasn’t my husbands. Somehow she still managed to get maximum child support and alimony. How she managed, I can’t even begin to explain or understand.
> 
> Anyway, no, it wasn’t either of our first relationships. He’s had a handful. Not an excessive amount, but a few, lasting anywhere from a few months to a year. Nothing overly serious. I’d jumped into a relationship post divorce, but then stayed single after that, just dating and figuring out what I wanted. I never wanted my son to be around new men, so I kept it all at arms length.
> 
> Maybe the bachelor is a good comparison. The heightened romance and seclusion...I can see it.
> 
> This week I’ve decided to keep to myself. I don’t text him at work at all. I make dinner when I’m hungry and leave it in the microwave for him when he gets home. I get what I need at the store and don’t ask if he needs anything. Tonight he went to his music room, so I went to the bedroom and started watching tv. He came in a few minutes later with his guitar, and started playing a song I mentioned I liked last week that he’d been trying to learn. Then he hung around in the room talking and showing videos of songs and singers he likes. More like his normal self. I guess it’s easier to appreciate someone when they aren’t there?
> 
> He also mentioned that he’s overslept the past two days because I haven’t made him get up with his alarm. �� I thought that was pretty hilarious.
> 
> Anyway, the heart to heart is difficult. Confrontation always blows up in my face, even when I’m doing it through love and a desire to connect. He thinks anything he needs to change is somehow an attack on who he is. Like you can’t do something wrong without being a bad person completely.


I think y'all would benefit from reading and doing the work in the books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I know time is an issue, but this is important. You could read to each other, maybe a chapter a night. Sounds like he is trying, but not speaking the right language--these books will help you on that.


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## MorningRoll

sunsetmist said:


> I think y'all would benefit from reading and doing the work in the books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I know time is an issue, but this is important. You could read to each other, maybe a chapter a night. Sounds like he is trying, but not speaking the right language--these books will help you on that.


Thank you for the book suggestions! I’m going to order them tomorrow! I think we’d be able to at least make headway with a chapter a night. 

I’ve often tried to remind myself we speak different live languages. It took a long time for me to realize that him washing my car for me was a way to show his love. I couldn’t understand why he was so excited to make it all shiny for me. Now I realize. I’m more of the type to use words or quality time.


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## MattMatt

wilson said:


> I'm glad there's an explanation about the ex-W forgery. It's bizarre that the judge didn't throw the book at her, but oh well.
> 
> *I can't understand why he's being so rude to you*. I can understand if he maybe needs time to recharge, but the things he says are hurtful and can have long-lasting consequences. There's a huge difference between saying "Honey, I need a little while to clear my head" versus saying "You're boring."
> 
> When I try to wrap my head around your relationship, I get the feeling like it was a romance on a reality show like "The Bachelor". During the show everything is so romantic and intense, but then afterwards the couples rarely stay together. Whatever artificial environment they were in during the show created intense feelings and they thought they were in love, but it was actually just a mirage. Were you his first relationship after the divorce? Maybe you both were just looking for someone to grasp onto and were so glad you could hang to each other that you both overlooked a lot of things.
> 
> You guys probably need to go to marriage counseling. It probably would help to be in a structured environment where an objective person says "A marriage needs to have X, Y, and Z. Yours is lacking in those areas. Here's some steps to get you guys back on track." You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him where you say that the marriage isn't going very well and that you guys need help to fix it.


I can. It's what I call "NHS" or Nearest Human Syndrome. The nearest human (usually the spouse) gets it in the neck.


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## wilson

MattMatt said:


> I can. It's what I call "NHS" or Nearest Human Syndrome. The nearest human (usually the spouse) gets it in the neck.


Is that how his personality is? When he's around other people like social situations, at work, etc., will he tell someone that they're boring and walk away?


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## WorkingWife

MorningRoll said:


> I’m not making this up. I have applied to Starbucks, grocery stores, restaurants, on top of positions I was actually qualified for in the industry I have worked. I never even get an interview. I don’t know why. I have seen a career counselor for help on my resume. Maybe it’s the hours of availability. Maybe it’s the lack of direction. I don’t know. But I did try for a long time. Now I’m not trying because I have a very full schedule of things I don’t get paid for and my husband has the income that makes it not matter.


I understand why people are suggesting you get a job, but it won't solve your problem anyhow. You husband is not working so much because he has to, he's doing it because he wants to. If this was a temporary thing, where he could say "In 4 months I don't expect to be putting in these hours anymore" I'd suggest you just ride it out. But I get the feeling he's really enjoying being needed and valuable at work. Which is fine and understandable. But which means these hours may never change.

The trick is getting him to understand that a marriage is also a job. It needs time and nurturing and companionship. I am not sure what the answer is, but he needs to really listen to you or he is going to lose you.

Maybe that's the answer -- tell him you love him but you don't feel like you even have a husband right now because of how little time you have together. Look him in the eye and say "*I don't want to lose you but this is not working for me. I won't go on like this indefinitely.*"

I think your idea of being his part time assistant at work is great. I understand him being hesitant to go to his boss too soon, but all he has to do is ask: "Do we have it in the budget to hire a part time assistant for me?" It's a simple question. They can answer yes or no.


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## MorningRoll

WorkingWife said:


> I understand why people are suggesting you get a job, but it won't solve your problem anyhow. You husband is not working so much because he has to, he's doing it because he wants to. If this was a temporary thing, where he could say "In 4 months I don't expect to be putting in these hours anymore" I'd suggest you just ride it out. But I get the feeling he's really enjoying being needed and valuable at work. Which is fine and understandable. But which means these hours may never change.
> 
> The trick is getting him to understand that a marriage is also a job. It needs time and nurturing and companionship. I am not sure what the answer is, but he needs to really listen to you or he is going to lose you.
> 
> Maybe that's the answer -- tell him you love him but you don't feel like you even have a husband right now because of how little time you have together. Look him in the eye and say "*I don't want to lose you but this is not working for me. I won't go on like this indefinitely.*"
> 
> I think your idea of being his part time assistant at work is great. I understand him being hesitant to go to his boss too soon, but all he has to do is ask: "Do we have it in the budget to hire a part time assistant for me?" It's a simple question. They can answer yes or no.



I do agree that a job would help. He asked his boss and never received an answer. He came home the other day and suggested I restart the home business I’d been working on last year. I also had done a feeelance delivery app that allowed flexibility, and they just expanded the market closer to my area( I’d previously had to travel 30 minutes to get any deliveries.) So I have two new ideas for some sort of income that still allows me to not miss out on anything with my son. 

It’s crazy, but since I first made this post, my husband has completely turned around. He’s back to his normal self, putting effort into every day and as a result, I’ve relaxed and stopped feeling resentful. Saturday, He spent several hours welding a project that he’s wanted to work on for a while. I just left him alone in the garage with his music and spent the afternoon catching up on tv shows. Sunday he woke up and spent the whole day with me. I even read a chapter out loud of one of the books recommended here and we spent some time discussing it.


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## Andy1001

Is there any possibility that he’s reading your posts on tam.


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## MJJEAN

minimalME said:


> Oh, I believe you. I just wonder what the difference is.


Location? 

Let me give you a snapshot of the local job market here. A few weeks ago a chain electronics business put a hiring sign on their sidewalk. They had over 400 applicants in a single afternoon. They removed their sign and announced they'd no longer be taking applications in person and directed everyone still interested in applying to apply online. When a Menards opened over the summer they did a "job fair" looking for cashiers, stockers, and warehouse workers with over 3,000 applicants in a single weekend.

I live in a Rust Belt state. No shortage of workers with "at will" employment laws, so employers tend to be a bit inflexible. If you want a job, you work the hours convenient for them. If you have "complications", they can and will replace you without missing a beat. Most retail and service industry jobs in the area operate on shift schedules that require morning workers to clock in before school starts and afternoon workers to clock in before school ends. The few "mid" shifts at the fast food places or retail outlets rarely become available. Once a local mom gets a job that works her mid shifts she keeps it til the last kid graduates!



MorningRoll said:


> It’s crazy, but since I first made this post, my husband has completely turned around. He’s back to his normal self, putting effort into every day and as a result, I’ve relaxed and stopped feeling resentful. Saturday, He spent several hours welding a project that he’s wanted to work on for a while. I just left him alone in the garage with his music and spent the afternoon catching up on tv shows. Sunday he woke up and spent the whole day with me. I even read a chapter out loud of one of the books recommended here and we spent some time discussing it.


The first few weeks-months taking on a job like his can really knock a person for a loop. He might be getting acclimated, getting into his groove, and feeling more energetic and optimistic.



Andy1001 said:


> Is there any possibility that he’s reading your posts on tam.


Or that.


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## MorningRoll

Andy1001 said:


> Is there any possibility that he’s reading your posts on tam.


Lol. No. The internet to him is to shop for tools or car parts or watch videos people post of weird random stuff on FB. He doesn’t spend time browsing for advice or even read the news. That’s my area.


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## MorningRoll

MJJEAN said:


> Location?
> 
> Let me give you a snapshot of the local job market here. A few weeks ago a chain electronics business put a hiring sign on their sidewalk. They had over 400 applicants in a single afternoon. They removed their sign and announced they'd no longer be taking applications in person and directed everyone still interested in applying to apply online. When a Menards opened over the summer they did a "job fair" looking for cashiers, stockers, and warehouse workers with over 3,000 applicants in a single weekend.
> 
> I live in a Rust Belt state. No shortage of workers with "at will" employment laws, so employers tend to be a bit inflexible. If you want a job, you work the hours convenient for them. If you have "complications", they can and will replace you without missing a beat. Most retail and service industry jobs in the area operate on shift schedules that require morning workers to clock in before school starts and afternoon workers to clock in before school ends. The few "mid" shifts at the fast food places or retail outlets rarely become available. Once a local mom gets a job that works her mid shifts she keeps it til the last kid graduates.



Yes! The problem for me is that 1. I’ve never worked in retail. 2. I graduated college during the Great Recession. The job I got out of college was as a receptionist. I was passed over for a promotion theee times because, my boss told me, I had a degree and wouldn’t be there long. The only job I had after I became a mom that resembled a career was a mind numbing position that literally had no work for me to do for weeks on end so I had to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day doing nothing.. I was as high up as I could go there and I’d maxed out my salary scale at just under $30K. When I tried to go back to a new career path, I was a decade late, a single mom, and had a long resume of nothing dead ends. On paper I look flaky and directionless. And I still have no retail experience!


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## NobodySpecial

MorningRoll said:


> He would say he walks on eggshells around me, so I don’t even know how to fix that.


Don't wait until you both are pissed and resentful as hell. Find a marriage counselor.


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## LeGenDary_Man

MorningRoll said:


> I do agree that a job would help. He asked his boss and never received an answer. He came home the other day and suggested I restart the home business I’d been working on last year. I also had done a feeelance delivery app that allowed flexibility, and they just expanded the market closer to my area( I’d previously had to travel 30 minutes to get any deliveries.) So I have two new ideas for some sort of income that still allows me to not miss out on anything with my son.


First, welcome to the forum.

Part-time work will suit you best.



MorningRoll said:


> It’s crazy, but since I first made this post, my husband has completely turned around. He’s back to his normal self, putting effort into every day and as a result, I’ve relaxed and stopped feeling resentful. Saturday, He spent several hours welding a project that he’s wanted to work on for a while. I just left him alone in the garage with his music and spent the afternoon catching up on tv shows. Sunday he woke up and spent the whole day with me. I even read a chapter out loud of one of the books recommended here and we spent some time discussing it.


Looks like your situation is getting better.

As a professional myself, I can understand why your husband was involved so much in his work after his promotion. Even in the same organization, it will take a while to get used to demands/responsibilities affiliated with a NEW POST, particularly, a managerial one. Your husband is hardworking and/or in the good books of his boss, and this is why he wants to do his best in his line of work. You should appreciate him in this regard because irresponsible work ethic can be disastrous in this age.

As time passes by, your husband will be increasingly comfortable with his current set-of-responsibilities, and would be able to make more time for you at home. 

HIGHLIGHTED part indicates that you are able to understand your husband better now. You gave him some space to do his thing, and he reciprocated by spending much of his time with you on SUNDAY. This is a step in the right direction.

When I am at home, I am not always in the mood to spent every hour with my wife either. I partake in numerous activities at home, and I enjoy them. My wife busy herself with our baby girl, or watch TV. Eventually I realize on my own that I need to spent some time with my wife, and she appreciates it.

Just make sure that your husband is aware what you expect from him from time-to-time, but do not badger him into submission each time (particularly in his most stressful moments). Nobody is perfect in this world.

Develop your own hobbies to preoccupy yourself with, just in case.



MorningRoll said:


> Sex is ok. He never turns it down. But he never initiates either. We’ve discussed it, he’s promised to take initiative, but then he’s distracted by taking out the trash or whatever goes on in his head. Last week I’d gotten out of the bath. I asked him what he was doing (still wearing a towel). He said playing in his computer. I said I was waiting for him. He asked if I was going to bed. I said no....and smiled before going to the bedroom. Then I waited. And waited. Then I heard him turn on the tv. Apparently, he had no “way of knowing” what I meant by that and thought I was getting dressed.


Oh dear. LMAO.

Tell him that your NO in this kind of situation = YES, you want him (sexually) at the moment. Silly man.


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