# Coping with news of an affair.



## 18436572 (Sep 14, 2013)

I had a started a thread in another area about a year ago and unfortunately it ends up here  So I thought I'd start a new thread here with the link. Looking for advise, support, suggestions, experiences with dealing with it... Here is the link.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/120026-advice-about-temperature-barometer.html


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its a gamble to reconcile. I personally don't think its worth it. There are people that has done it but you bring up all the things in your last post why its just not worth it. If she had no problem sleeping with another man for six months who is to say she wont do it again. The only reason she is now fighting to keep you is because you are safe to her. Your her second choice and clearly the OM has walked away. If he had not she would still be screwing him and you would never have figured it out until it was to late. 

Its better to move on and find someone else. Staying with a cheater is a lifetime of pain. You will always wonder why. You will always worry who she is talking to. It will drive you crazy trying to watch her. This is the part that upset me the most. That I even had to watch my exWife. 

I would focus on a life for you and your children. There are far better women out there. I know its hard to believe but there are women out there that do not cheat. You can find a woman that will treat you the way you deserve. 

Your kids will see you suffer and eventually it will all come out. 
They deserve to see there father happy and in return setting good examples for them. 

Your life starts with you. Go out and make it better for yourself. 

Clay


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Read your other thread. 

Here is what you do...

1). Go se a lawyer and find out your rights. Get one of those free consults. Arm yourself with facts. If you want, go ahead and begin the filing process.

2). Separate finances. Move your paycheck to a new account. Close out all your credit cards. Control your money. Give her only what she needs to survive. 

3). Check her emails, Facebook, texts, anywhere she could have been talking to this guy. Save what you can to a flash drive. 

4). Demand she end the affair at once with you present. She calls the OM and breaks it off with you present. Also have her write him an email saying it's over and not to contact we again. Look at it and approve it before she sends it. 

5). Demand total transparency. She gives you her phone on demand. She gives you all her passwords to devices and online accounts. 

6). Tell her she needs to set up independent counseling for herself, to figure out why she is so unhappy and why she has sh!t for boundaries, and why she felt it necessary to throw her family in the garbage for a few orgasms.

7). Don't take any sh!t or blame from her. The minute she tries to blame you, walk away and go to the lawyers office and file the Divorce petition. 

8). Expose her affair. Don't let her con you into protecting her. If she really, really cared about you she would come clean to her family and close friends. The kids can be insulated as best you can, but I would insist on this. 

9). If she becomes defiant, do the 180. There are posters here who have the 180 list for you to follow.

10). Always...always...trust your gut. Not your heart, not your head...
If something feels off then it probably is. The gut never lies.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Read your other thread.
> 
> Here is what you do...
> 
> ...


Someone PLEASE make this a sticky! bandit, at the very least you should post a link to this in your signature line. It would save A LOT of re-typing.

Excellent advice, OP. Do this.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

One more thing OP. As long as her affair is ongoing, all this counseling is a waste of money. Any reconciliation between you two is impossible with the other man in the picture. He has to be gone, and more importantly, you have to verify he is gone and there is no more contact between them.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

18,

I read your other post. Very troubling stuff in it. I see a real problem with some of what you want from your WW. Appears you are trying to "force" her to "love" you a certain way. That can't be done regardless of the situation. What she did was so wrong to you and your kids but to demand as part of the R she greet you at the door every day with hugs and kisses etc....... Just don't see that lasting and in fact likely to cause her to resent you.

If you want to R with her that's between the two of you. And yes she needs to have ground rules for the R but the one thing I know is you can't force someone to do something that's just not in them. If she didn't greet you at the door everyday with hugs and kisses before don't expect her to want to do this the rest of her life. 

My WW is so not into PDA or any displays of affection in private either. Even before she cheated on me she just wasn't very affectionate. We talked about that and it's just not in her. Would I loved for to have shown more or just some, heck yeah. Those types of things just can't be forced on someone.

Reading your other post was also frustrating the way you continue to gush about your feelings for your WW. I think you need to turn the flame down some. Your WW treated you like crap while the A was going on because she knew you would take it and be there regardless. You were plan B. You say you truly love her, maybe you do. You have to realize what she did has consequences and continuing to run around begging and pleading doesn't help that one bit.

If you want R with her it will take a lot of work on her part. You will need some heavy duty MC. You two probably could stand some IC as well. A lot of damage has been done that will need to be repaired. I hope you don't go so quick into R that you "rug sweep" some of her A and end up in a false R. I feel that if your WW goes along with some of your demands you will rug sweep and things may unravel again.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What do your kids know? How old are they now?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Very good advice from Bandit.

OP

It is good that your wife finally told you the truth. She owed you that.

But I do not think she ever expected you to ask her to leave the home. She took the fact that you put up with her crap for over two years and gambled that you would want to reconcile with her.

A few of those steps should be done without her knowledge. Then let her know what steps you have taken to secure your future with her or without her.

She needs to know not to take you for granted. She needs to know that you will be ok with her or without her.

So she came clean.

Did she say if the OM came clean with his wife?

Because if I was you I would inform the OMW for 2 reasons. Without your wifes knowledge.

1. The OMW needs to know her husband is a piece of crap. She can now monitor her husband instead of you.

2. If your wife finds out you told the OMW then you will know she is in contact with the OM.

It is a sh!t test she needs to pass.

Glad you came back.

HM


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The total affair and the narrative is under her control. Do you know about anything she did not tell you ?

Her reasons, what she did or did not do etc. She probably removed any traces of it too.You will never find out the truth. What you hear are what she wants you to hear. You will probably also never know if the affair ended because she was dumped.

Is OM in the same town as you are in ?

Get tested for STDs.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Contact during the day, constant reassurance that she's thinking of me and cares about me. A lot of love physically - instigated by her like holding hands or sitting beside me. Making love - all the time - and I need to feel her be a part of that.


To put it crudely, she is trying to f*ck him into reconciliation.

Follows the theme of the marriage you presented in your older thread. Whether she has sex or whether she doesn't have sex with you,there is some other agenda running in the background. Sex is a manipulative tool for her.

Get both of you tested for STDs immediately though it might be too late already.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Some of this makes sense. She has to stop the affair and allow monitoring. If you want to stay together, you want her to discuss the reasons why she strayed and I am not sure embarrassing her helps.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

How old are your kids? If they are almost out of the nest it might be best to cut her loose. 

Bandit had some good advise, but if you choose to follow the reconciliation part it will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Probably a lot easier to just divorce her. That being said, I think a marriage is worth rescuing if it can be. You and your wifes behavior is the only thing that can determine that. 

One of the problems I discern here is your wife was discontent when things were good and maybe she, in spite of her intentions to reconcile, does not possess the ability to pull it off. For a long time she was indifferent to the marriage and now she's going to make it a priority? 

A year ago you had problems "finding your balls" but now it seems you have. Will this last? Or will you slip back into your previous roles of her being aloof and you being subordinate? 

Sure, you feel the rage now, but later it will morph into depression and how will you deal with that? How will she deal with that? Will she naturally withdraw into that aloof stance again while you spiral into the abyss? 

You have a lot to contemplate so don't rush yourself, it's time to let her live in limbo hell till you decide what to do. A very good option you should consider is to divorce her even if you plan to reconcile. I think this strategy is often underrated.


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Is your user name a firing order.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

yes small block chevy


----------

