# Need help dealing with depression of failed marriage



## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi everyone, my name is Tim and I am new here, I needed some serious advice and didn't know where to turn so i googled and found this forum. 

To properly explain my current situation would be like writing a book so i will just hit the highlights and ask for advice ...

I have been living with my wife for 8+ years, no mutual children but we each have kids from previous marraige. during those 8+ years my wife has cheated on my at least 12+ times, most of them she has admitted too, most have involved sexual encounters, some are just serious phone / online affairs. 2 years ago we split up, three months after the split up we mutually agreed to give it another try it was great for the two years until recently. 

she has been hiding a phone relationship with an old school mate, I only discovered it when i was told she had met him at the bar recently, when i confronted her she insisted it involved nothing more then flirting. I threatened to leave her and now she has broke off all contact with me. she told me she is staying with family and needs some time to straighten her head out.

Now before you start, don't waste your time with the replies telling me what a fool I am and i should drop her immediatley. I love her deeply and I really believed things had finally changed, what i need is the absolute best advice possible on the quickest and best ways to get over the terrible grief I feel so i can move on and not get suckered into taking her back if she decides thats what she wants. I have sent her messages apoligizing for the way i handled the situation (i was angy and said some mean things and broke into her emails) I have told her i love her and would like to talk to her. 

Do I talk to her ?
Do i be nice and polite to her?
Do i help her with money, car, financial support ect ect or do i cut it all of and take everything i can get.
how the hell do i get my head to think about something else other then her and the good times we had together.
How the hell do i get my head to stop creating images of her with other men (this is a big one it hurts alot)
and finally do i even consider taking her back if she wants to come back.

once agian... i am mostly seeking advice to end the grief, I am an intellegent man and know i should never be with this woman agian.


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## distressed2011 (Jun 5, 2011)

Tim, First of all let me say I'im sorry for what you are going through as I am in a similar situation.....just not as extreme. You will always remember the good times and memories, but is that enough to salvage the marriage? Only you know if your wife loves you, but 12+ times in 8 years....Wow! Sounds to me like your wife has some soul searching to do.......as do you. I would recommend you stay separated and avoid any contact with her and see how she reacts. If she truly loves you the time apart will help her to realize how she has hurt you. Your situation is a tough one, best of luck to you.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

_I have been living with my wife for 8+ years, no mutual children but we each have kids from previous marraige. during those 8+ years my wife has cheated on my at least 12+ times, most of them she has admitted too, most have involved sexual encounters, some are just serious phone / online affairs. 2 years ago we split up, three months after the split up we mutually agreed to give it another try it was great for the two years until recently. _

Wow Tim, that seems like a lot! I am not sure if love is enough for you to consider taking her back. Well, unless u can really see and feel utmost repentance on her side then look think hard if you can forgive and forget, cause as u said those images may haunt you forever.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Honestly I think the best thing to do would be a 180. I felt much like you did until I allowed (okay, it was more like "forced" to begin with) myself some emotional distance from my husband and the situation. Looking back now at the way I felt pre-180...it's like I was a completely different person, and a fool, to boot. A 180 allows you to focus on yourself--what you want, what you deserve, etc. It's a great way to end that enmeshment between you and your spouse.

And then as the 180 goes on, questions like what you should do financially and whether or not you want her back will answer themselves.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Here's the 180 in case you don't know what it is.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...180-support-thread-how-many-us-same-boat.html


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

AF has hit it on the head square dab. Try to put some space and allow yourself to think of the big pic. The very best to you in your endeavors.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Wyoming said:


> Now before you start, don't waste your time with the replies telling me what a fool I am and i should drop her immediatley. I love her deeply and I really believed things had finally changed,...


But things didn't change, did they. Your love for your wife is causing you to think irrationally. I can understand you don't WANT the marriage to end this way, but you need to look at the marriage from a non-emotional perspective (impossible, I know) which is what this forum is good for because people disassociated from your relationship emotionally can see what you are blind to.

She cheated 12 times that you know of. You separated, reconciled, and now she is not only "flirting" with other men but actually meeting them at bars. Happily married women who are true to their husbands don't do that.

Since you have already been through separation and reconciliation prior, what makes you think her behavior will change this time?

Understand that from her perspective those "good times" you had together are far fewer than your perception of the marriage. Definitely talk to her and be polite. But if you do not end this relationship and find someone else who will treat you with respect, you will simply run this course over and over again.


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you for all the replies. I have not heard from her in over two days. its hard not to be mad that she is ignoring me completely.

Part of me still holds on to the hope that she will call, tell me she just needed some time without talking to me and wants to come home and work things out. 

I think with all that I have been through i could get over this fairly quickly, but her lack of contact and not telling me it's over is kinda dragging me along. It would be better if she would just let me know shes done with me.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

If you feel like you can not wait any longer, why not call her and tell her YOU are done? Start doing the 180. It's hard, I know, I still love my W deeply but I know we are over. Instead of wasting time dwelling on what could have been, start getting yourself back to center. Work on learning from this to become a better person. If she is done with you, don't try to force the situation. If she is not sure about what she wants, you talking to her that YOU are done may give her the answer she needs to make a decision either way. Not a fun place to be! Just my .02 worth.


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> If you feel like you can not wait any longer, why not call her and tell her YOU are done? Start doing the 180. It's hard, I know, I still love my W deeply but I know we are over. Instead of wasting time dwelling on what could have been, start getting yourself back to center. Work on learning from this to become a better person. If she is done with you, don't try to force the situation. If she is not sure about what she wants, you talking to her that YOU are done may give her the answer she needs to make a decision either way. Not a fun place to be! Just my .02 worth.



well if i did call her to tell her I was done It would only be in a message since she won't answer. I guess part of me doesn't want to go there just yet just in case this can be salvaged. I think I will try hard not to message her in any way for a while. I am not sure how long i will go with no contact but eventually if I don't hear from her i guess I need to let her know that I am done, and start boxing up her stuff.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yes. Don't rush it, give it some time but try to set a time limit for yourself. You can't stay in limbo forever but definitely don't rush it.


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Yes. Don't rush it, give it some time but try to set a time limit for yourself. You can't stay in limbo forever but definitely don't rush it.


thanks, I like that idea, I just have no clue what kind of time limit I should set. I leave for work in 9 days. maybe 1 week ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in the hell does it have to be about her? Why do you have the mind set that "if she wants me"?

Dude I understand the hurt, my chick was with 20 guys so stop F8cking around, this worring about her has to stop for you to heal.

Please trust me, once you start thinking about what you diserve instead of what she diserve you will be better off.

For what its worth, I found that when I distanced my self from my wife she saw that I had empowed my self to move on. I was not the same person and just like in death, I excepted the lost of a loved one and was not going to let this women bring me down.

My wife saw the confidence in me that I was lacking in the past. Yes this sh*t sucks big time, but you now what.....I diserve better, I diserve to be happy.

The difference between you and me is I am making the choices for my self, you are making the choice for what you think your wife wants. Please stop that and go find your self.

It takes time but as your confidence builds you will...you must find that person with in your self.

Sorry man, but for once think about your self, go out and find the things that will take your mind off this BS. I like sceet shooting, I love my guns and enjoy being with the people at the gun club. 

I love working out and find confidence in making my self better, not for my wife but for my self.

The death of a loved one is hard, for some there illness last a long time, but once there gone you have the sorrow, but also the good memories. Move on

Except the pain but also except the future and the excitemnt of finding someone new, healthier, and they respects you.

I can continue with more but the bottem line is you and how you want to handle this...go ahead and feel sorry for your self or stand up and tell your self " I'm bettere then this and I diserve to be happy" . When I 1st found out I had to say this to my self every minute of the day its called a montra so find yours and say it to your self or even out load, but keep repeating it.

I also started a journel, and when ever I thought about some vampire on top of my wife, I forced it out with thoughts of a better future. I will not let this crap define who I am, bottom line.

Its not what knocks me down that matters, it's how I get back up that counts.

Do not contact her ( they want what they can't have)
Do not be nice to her (do not be mean, be indifferent)
Do not help fund her adulterous behavior(stop all funding period)
Think about you and the new future you will make for your self

She is the cause of this pain not you she is making the unhealty choices. Its time for you to make the healty choices that only you have control over. You cant control her but you can control how you act and in what you want, and what will make you happy. Its all about additude man

Sorry for the rant, I gets upsetting to see guys ask how they can get there wife back when they should be thinking how to get them selve back from the pain of an unhealthy marraige.

For me, my wife saw that change in me and it was me that let her come along for a better, healthier future. Any more bad dicision on her part will no longer be tolorated. I have new boundries and bahaviors, either she walks beside me or else. Never behind me and never infront, we walk together side by side.


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> Why in the hell does it have to be about her? Why do you have the mind set that "if she wants me"?
> 
> Dude I understand the hurt, my chick was with 20 guys so stop F8cking around, this worring about her has to stop for you to heal.
> 
> ...


True, and thank you


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks for your comment, the guy... I've been reading this board like crazy since I found it yesterday, amazing that we can relate to something so much, just like all the songs somehow start making a lot of sense when this all starts happening. My wife too is pursuing all kinds of sexual gratification, and going to great effort and expense and she is liking it a lot (I snooped on her phone and saw photos of her with one guy and she had that sparkle in her eye that I used to see all the time, and miss so dearly). At one point I was dealing with forgiveness and trying for us to get past it, but she is not looking back and so I am forced to let go, and now its a matter of choice how I will deal with it all - but the visual thought of the her being with the people she is pursuing is just so unshakable, I'm afraid that if she ever does see her mistakes and feel the remorse and want to put things together again that I will be the one unable to get past my hangups. Argh its tough... anyways off to see the C.


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