# Am I Crazy? Can't Get Over the Past...



## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

First of all let me say that I am deeply in love with my wife of 11 years and that we have a GREAT relationship. 

Here's my problem...

We started dating nearly 14 years ago and she was my first... And still is the only person I have slept with. Early in our relationship she had revealed to me that she had been with a handful of other partners.  This was not too hard to accept at first... I knew she had previous boyfriends, etc... 

We dated for about a year and what I didn't realize was that I had completely fallen for her. She had decided to go to college in another state and I thought I would be ok when she left... I wasn't... Only a couple of days after she left I experienced a loneliness that I had never felt before. It was like part of me was gone. I spent all of my money on phone calls and airline tickets to go see her. I even told her that I was going to move up there to go to college with her the following semester. One thing that concerned me was that she had gotten these new friends in school and they were going to frat parties and getting drunk almost every night. I asked her to slow down or stop for my sake but she didn't listen. I even told her, it's not that I don't trust HER, it's that I don't trust THEM. Well, just 10 days after I had visited her it happened... I could hear that her voice was different on the phone and I asked her to talk to me and then she told me... She had partied it up the night before and ended up sleeping with someone... I was DEVASTATED. I didn't know what to do... I was in agony, I still was completely in love with her, and I still had plans to move up to her school. The prideful part of me wanted to dump her like a bad habit but my heart was still totally in love with her. She came back home that Christmas break and we had a very weird relationship at that time. One day she was totally with me, the next day she was almost running away from me. She was confused, I was confused, etc... Eventually we talked it over and agreed that I was going to move up to go to school with her (my heart won the battle in me). A few months later I asked her to marry me, she said yes, and then we decided to go to school together somewhere else and get an apartment. 

For a long time I was VERY angry with her for what she did to me. Per her words I tore her down mentally until she had almost no self esteem. Even though it was very hard for her, she decided to stick it out with me as I was going through this anger and grief. Eventually we got married and over time the anger and grief subsided. Now we have been married 11 years and have 2 kids and she has been a FANTASTIC wife and we have a FANTASTIC relationship! 

Now the current problem... 2 weeks ago I started really thinking about the betrayal... It replayed in my mind constantly to the point of torment. I wasn't mad at her anymore but I just felt like I had this huge hurt inside of me that I had to deal with. With the help of my church, I finally got to a point where I could forgive her (it had been nearly 13 years since the incident). I truly hope that I have forgiven her completely...I want to! But the other problem is... I have thought about her past relationships before me too... I really wish we could have been each other's first and only but that will never happen now... Our sex life has become so wonderful and magnificent. However, the thought of her being with someone else hurts me to the core. She has told me that she has never been "in love" with anyone like she is with me but for me it is hard to separate this fantastic, loving sex life with something that she claims doesn't mean anything to her anymore (the past). 

So...am I crazy? Why can't I just get over her past? Be nice... I'm a sensitive guy (obviously) and my wife has been a role model wife the last 11 years.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sounds like you have a wonderful wife and marriage. Continued dwelling on this incident will only lead to problems. It was over a decade ago and she was young. Let it go, you have nothing to gain from this line of thought and a lot to lose. As fanciful as it might appear two people marrying their first lover is a rarity in our society. Appreciate the wonderful woman you have and let it go.


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## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Sounds like you have a wonderful wife and marriage.


Yes I do!



Amplexor said:


> Continued dwelling on this incident will only lead to problems. It was over a decade ago and she was young. Let it go, you have nothing to gain from this line of thought and a lot to lose.


The logical part of my brain totally agrees with you. I'm just having difficulty making images of the past go away... Hence me = crazy... :crazy:



Amplexor said:


> As fanciful as it might appear two people marrying their first lover is a rarity in our society. Appreciate the wonderful woman you have and let it go.


Trying!


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I hear that you are trying, but man you have got to try harder. I know a little bit where you are coming. My wife never cheated on me, but she did have a couple of lovers before I ever met her while I never had. For a while my wife would mention a past bf every now and then, but only ever to point out how great I am compared to one of them. I still hated it, because the second she mentioned one of them, my mind just imagined her in bed with another man and it pissed me off. Finally, I just told her that, and while she didn't really get it because she never brought them up other than in a way to compliment me, she agreed to never mention them again, and hasn't. Doesn't mean, I NEVER think about it, but much less. 

There are two things that make all the difference in the world for me. 

First, my wife finds making love to me far better than any she has ever experienced. Her previous partners may have been more experienced than me, but she has never loved anyone like me and been connected to anyone like she is with me, and for her (and this is true for most women) that makes a huge difference in the love life and how special it is. I know she never thinks about them, never compares me to them, and never relives those times. I also know that if she could, she would take back both those bf's and she wishes she would have saved herself for me.

Second, spend some time in this and other forums, and you'll get a sense of exactly what problems people have. Serious issues that threaten marriages and families on a daily basis. Who am I to complain if my sex life dips now and then or if I just didn't happen to be the first for my wife, like she was for me? Or some other small issue like that. See what I mean? I'm not putting you down or saying what you are going through isn't important. Obviously it is, and it does need to be addressed. But looking at what others are going through can put things in a bit more perspective and make it easier to get past your own issues.

As far as the cheating once in college when she was drunk is concerned, forgetting may be an involuntary thing, but forgiveness is choice. She has spent nearly a dozen years making it up to you, how much longer are you going to make her do that? If you bring it up again because you still feel you need to feel closure with her, I can warn you right now, she's going to feel incredibly hurt. She'll feel like if you still can't forgive her after all this time that you never will no matter what she does. How do you think she'll take that? Knowing that you will never forgive her or forget. Consider yourself lucky if she just feels terrible and gets depressed for a while, it could be far worse. Play the role reversal. If you did everything you could, tried to be the best husband and father you could be, but your wife told you after 11 years of marriage that she just hasn't been able to fully forgive you for that one drunken night, or get past that you had previous sexual partners before she ever met you. How happy would you feel in a marriage knowing that you are always going to be making up for a previous mistake or a past life, that your spouse is always going to judge you as not being as pure as she or possibly even the lesser partner? It may not be how you see it yourself, but it could be how she ends up feeling it.

Look, we all make sacrifices in our relationships, we all sometimes place our spouses feelings ahead of our own, and this is one of those times. Whatever you do, please work this out on your own, and don't bring it up with your wife. It will only hurt her and likely drive a wedge between you that doesn't need to be there.

In recap, if you want to get past this, if you want closure, here are a few tips:

1) Instead trying to make the images go away (probably never fully happen anyway,) condition yourself to stop dwelling on it when it does. Every time the thought of her being with someone else enters your mind, force yourself to stop and day dream of the last time YOU made love to her. Even better, start right then fantasizing what you want to do with your wife that night. Take the focus from the past and put on the present.

2) Every time you think about her one night mistake, stop yourself. Instead think of just one time she has done something special for you. Remember to write it down. Next time it happens, think of something else, and so on. Soon you'll have this huge list of all these great things she done and all these ways she is your perfect wife, and one stupid ancient history moment of drunkenness to compare it to. It'll end up looking pretty insignificant.

3) Play the role reversal. When you start thinking about what you can't quite get past, step back and swap places and think how you'd feel if everything you ever did to make up for the past was all for naught, that nothing you could do would ever quite make your wife forgive or forget.

4) Remember all the tens of thousands of marriages across the states right now threatened by divorce because of how one spouse treats the other poorly. Every time you think about the past, think of those marriages and turn to your wife and remind yourself you are one of the lucky ones - better yet, tell that out loud.

5) Remember that forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone it, it just means that you accept it happened, that you know your wife would do anything to take it back, and that you are ready to move past it. You can decide today to forgive your wife. If you still can't. Just be patient, and when you need a booster, go back to your pastor, but once again, try not to involve your wife, because this really is your issue to deal with, not hers.

I hope you don't think I've been overly harsh, that's not my intention. It just seems like you might place unnecessary strain on a great marriage, and I'd hate to see that happen.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BlueCreek said:


> I know she never thinks about them, never compares me to them, and never relives those times.


Maybe MarriedAndinlove this is what you are having a hard time with? I think its your self esteem that is suffering here. 

As hard as it is that you are still thinking about this so many years later i think if you keep it bottled up you will take it out on her. I think you should talk to her about how you are feeling. I also think you need to own your feelings and realize that the reason you are still dwelling on this has to do with your own low self esteem and insecurities and nothing she has done. I really think you need to do some introspection into your own part of how you are feeling.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If you wanted a virgin you should have married one. The point is all the things of your wifes past has made her who she is today a "PERFECT" wife. SO enjoy what she is and let the past rest.

If that isn't good enough then think this way, you married her so you beat out all those guys for a great wife.

draconis


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## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks for the replies everybody! Especially BlueCreek, wow! I totally hear ya! 

ljtseng - I have talked to her about it and there's no more I can talk about with her about the cheating incident. I am doing my best to forgive her on that one and have made a lot of progress. 

As for her past, she has told me a lot of things that I have needed to hear... That she never knew sex could be what it is with us now, that her past relationships mean less than 0% to her... etc...

I think all of the work that needs to happen needs to happen with me. There's no point in discussing it with her. It will only make her feel guilty or defensive.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Just understand that this is your issue not your wife's. Dont burden her with this "craziness". 

It might help to focus on the positive aspects of this wonderful wife of yours. I mean most of us have gone to college and experienced some wild times. This is what our youth is all about. You missed out on that. I hear the word "cheating" and "forgiveness" a lot here. I think her going away for college and doing those things is a lot different then someone cheating on their spouse in a traditional relationship. She was away from you experiencing college life and had not yet established a strong connection with you. It's not her fault. What she did was perfectly normal. What your experiencing now is something you need to process. Dude it's time to move on.


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## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

brad said:


> Just understand that this is your issue not your wife's. Dont burden her with this "craziness".


I agree that since my wife has shown how great of a wife she is, it is indeed my issue at this point and not hers... That I can agree with you on... 



brad said:


> It might help to focus on the positive aspects of this wonderful wife of yours.


Sure, that's what I've been doing a lot. 



brad said:


> I mean most of us have gone to college and experienced some wild times. This is what our youth is all about. You missed out on that. I hear the word "cheating" and "forgiveness" a lot here. I think her going away for college and doing those things is a lot different then someone cheating on their spouse in a traditional relationship. She was away from you experiencing college life and had not yet established a strong connection with you. It's not her fault. What she did was perfectly normal.


Here's where I disagree with you. I've partied a lot too, just not sexually with anyone else. We were in a committed (long distance) relationship with daily phone calls and visits every couple of months or so... We had been VERY close in our first year+ together. It was cheating and cheating is wrong any way you slice it. She admits that she was selfish and that didn't realize how much it was going to hurt me. I can't be ok with what she did, I never can be. But what I have to do is realize that she was weak, it was a mistake, and that I MUST forgive her completely. 



brad said:


> What your experiencing now is something you need to process. Dude it's time to move on.


That's why I'm posting here. I want to move on from the things that hurt me about her past. I really liked BlueCreek's post and I think it was right on.


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## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

indecisive said:


> You're like me.. I'm a sensitive guy who thinks too much, and holds onto things that will do nothing but harm to myself emotionally, and to my relationship.


That's me!


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## MarriedAndInLove (Aug 8, 2008)

Well I wasn't going to bring it up with her again but we got to talking about other threads I had read on this message board and the subject kind of came up. (Sorry, we have such good communication it's hard to keep anything from her) I then decided to show her this thread. Some posts, especially BlueCreek's post, validated feelings that we were both having. She just wants me to get over it and focus on the present (I agree!). I explained to her that I want the bad feelings to go away even more than she does. I also explained to her that this is MY issue and not hers. I asked her to pray for me daily over this (we are both Christian) and to not let any of this affect our current relationship. I will probably go to a prayer group from our church tonight to get some additional prayer over this. I don't want any of this past junk to affect our current and amazing marriage any more!!! I love her too much and love our family too much to let it have any power over me anymore!


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