# Big Problems or should I Chill Out?



## Johnson (Mar 18, 2009)

Logic dictates that if I'm posting on a "Considering Separation" thread at 4 in the morning, that the answer to my question is "Big Problems," but lets see if that's the consensus.

Brief Background:
Married 2 years
I'm 33--My Wife is 26

I'm a musician in a major metro area; I also teach guitar 4 days a week. She is an English teacher. We live together in a large apartment with 2 dogs. I make about twice what she does (just background here, no connotations).

Our relationship is in a really bad place right now.

During our year of engagement and first year of marriage, I worked at a lot of bars and stayed out late after work with co-workers. At this time my wife did not drink, was in school, and taking our marriage very seriously.

Fast forward to now-->I've quit the late night jobs, quit going out, got a gym membership, seeing a therapist, and I'm taking Zoloft for anxiety and depression. I've also seriously curtailed my drinking. 

Problem is--I don't think I made these changes soon enough. 

Now a typical week for my wife looks like this (and she has to be at school to teach by 10am):

Mon--Home 
Tuesday--go out with friends and drink until 4am; call at 1:30 and say "home soon." 
Wednesday--go out with friends and drink until 3am.
Thursday--same as Tuesday.
Friday--same as Wednesday; possibly hang out with me if I don't have a gig.
Saturday--same as Friday.
Sunday--usually home.

I feel like this is very detrimental for our marriage. She says she thinks she got married too young and needs to "find herself" which means bars until the wee hours most nights of the week. Her partner in crime (who didn't attend out wedding and is a dubious character--always borrowing money from my wife ($100 at a time) and ironically works for Jerry Springer) is a really negative influence. 

So...at issue is: 
*According to Her:* I am not allowed to be upset at how she's spending her money and time; me doing so pushes her away, and this is the problem in our marriage right now--I just need to chill and things will balance out.She says she knows she is being selfish, but that's how it has to be right now and if I love her, I'll support her decisions.

*According to Me:* Things are getting much worse, not better. The fact that she never comes home when she says (one time didn't come home at all and didn't call) makes it hard to trust her and consequently love her. She consistently chooses the bar life over me and our marriage--something I'm not used to. 

Of course there are many more details, but I would love to know I'm not going crazy with concern here!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the trouble is and im sorry to say. you had your vices at the start of the marriage, whereas she felt she put everthing into it to make it work.
trouble is and ive done it. you get fed up of being the good wife.
being taken for granted and at one or many points in life we do rebel.
its like your fightin for sanity in a relationship and boundary al the time and then as now, im rebelling against my H at the moment.
im fightin for my independence again to pretty much do the bl***dy hell what i want.


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## Johnson (Mar 18, 2009)

Yes, I agree. She's feeling a need for independence and is tired of trying to be the "good wife" as you say.

I think there are ways for her to have lots of independence and still have a happy marriage--and even have plenty of pints a week--but not every weeknight till 4am.

I'm just wondering if her pattern is something to be concerned about or if there is anything I can do?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE (from a guy's perspective)!

My first wife pretty much did the same thing as what you described - stayed out late at night at the bars. If I questioned anything, I was being controlling, jealous, etc.

As it turned out, she ended up meeting her next husband during one of those nights out. Nothing but bad things can and will happen at 2:00 a.m. in a bar when the drinks are flowing.

Based on a book I am reading, I would ask yourself "what is the bottom line for me?". For example, your bottom line might be something like - my wife will not stay out at bars all night. I expect her to go out a couple times a week and be home by 10:00. 

Once you know what your bottom line is, you need to tell her in very clear, definite terms. BUT, you must be willing to back it up by following through if she chooses to end the relationship by ignoring your bottom line. The key part of that last sentence is "*SHE *chooses to end the relationship".

Good luck whatever you decide to do.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Johnson said:


> Yes, I agree. She's feeling a need for independence and is tired of trying to be the "good wife" as you say.
> 
> I think there are ways for her to have lots of independence and still have a happy marriage--and even have plenty of pints a week--but not every weeknight till 4am.
> 
> I'm just wondering if her pattern is something to be concerned about or if there is anything I can do?


personally for me i cant maintain that. i think the pattern is to be concerned about as its a drinking and staying out issue.
id look rough as SH** if i kept up that pattern.

there might seem like ways to be independent in a marriage , but really there are stil alot of boundaries some darent cross.
which really doesnt mean full independence or freedom.
thats where im at , at the moment.
just wana do things my way and not have to ask permission.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Bars are for singles... PERIOD.

~Moog


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## Johnson (Mar 18, 2009)

So...its been forever since I posted.

Turns out she started cheating on me and was lying about it.

Long story short, I finally caught her. 

She promised never to do it again....I went through counseling b/c I had a nervous breakdown over the whole thing.

Anyhow...I feel like she has never truly taken responsibilty for how terrible her actions were...in terms of what they did to me feelings for her, my trust for her, and the stability of our relationship...and how long it takes to fix that.

She says now, when we're arguing, that I pushed her away...in other words, blames me for not being able to control her philandering.

SO....flash forward.

Now we live in a different city and our relationship is under some money stress and I'm definitely in a funk.

She has started (and all summer when I was in a different city did this too) going out with groups of guys she works with to bars and partying late again without me.

On a couple occasions this summer she crashed at one of the guys houses.

Given our past, I'm seriously worried and concerned.

When I bring it up she says "You have to trust me--without trust there is no relationship--if you've forgiven me, you'd trust me."

Pardon my French, but I feel like that's the most horse**** argument someone could say just a year after being totally decietful and cheating.

What can I do?

I feel like she's not respecting me by always going out with guys. LIterally, she NEVER goes out with a girl for drinks, or a group of girls.

My life sucks really bad right now because of this.

Thoughts?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Sounds like you're married to a serial cheater. Also sounds like you're letting her walk all over you and manipulate you to her benefit. If you want to stay in this relationship (I don't why you would), then you need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise, stop complaining and act like the doormat you're currently being.

She is telling you what SHE wants with her actions. Now, what do YOU want?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Johnson,

I posted on your other thread which was in very general terms. This thread has far more details. You've got big problems. No, you shouldn't chill out. I believe you are to the part where a cheater has to want to change. In your situation the cheater clearly doesn't want to change. She will never earn your trust again with her current behavior. And she is even making you question yourself. I believe you are to "ultimatum time".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When she says you have to trust me, you say "NO. I do NOT have to trust you ever again. You did the worst thing a spouse could ever do, and you never showed any remorse. And here you are again, doing the same things all over again. Why on earth SHOULD I trust you?"

And then you say, "Give me all your passwords to your phone and computer. Put a GPS in your car that I can monitor. Stop going out with other men unless I am WITH you. THEN, I will consider staying married to you."


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