# Getting over it...what did you do/what did your spouse do?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its been nearly 2 years since I discovered my H's affair, and still hurting. I still have some major issues. Some have gotten worse, others have gotten better. 

We did reconcile and we are together. He continues to try to make amends every day in the best way he knows how. Aside from when we first reconciled, I found out later the first few days he continued to email her. I've known that for about a year and just learned why. He was pretty honest and said that it was wrong but just in case it didn't work out he had something else, but he doesn't feel that way anymore he doesn't want her no matter what. Not sure how that makes me feel, did he want me back or just the one he was most comfortable with..

Also I never got to the root of the problem. When someone has an affair its because something is broken. I was blind-sided, thought we were happy he went to great lengths to make sure I thought we were. So he hid the affair for a long time. He is responsible 100% for that, but I want to understand what went wrong to begin with. His answer, we should have spent more time together and he should have communicated with me when he felt things slipping away and not lie about it so as not to deal with it. I don't accept this because I think it takes 2, so how did I not know we were unhappy when he was so unhappy and I was...content? 

How will they not go wrong again? Part of the reason I didn't notice was I was very busy with my son who has health problems. So part of me really is still angry about how I dealt alone with these issues while he was screwing around. The issues have come up again and are under control and we are dealing together with them, but it does pull my time away and I start thinking now it will happen again. Sometimes I am so worn out emotionally from dealing with these issues, I've got nothing left and this is usually when I start dwelling on his affair again. 

I really do want to let go, and in good times (no stress, work going well, kids healthy, etc.) I do fine but stress causes me to dwell back on the negative. 

I have done some things to change this. I have become very active and run and play sports, we do it together. Not only does it make you look and feel better I've read that it also helps you mentally because exercise is a stress reliever. We also join activities that help us meet great people and give us things to look foward to. So this is a positive. 

I am not really sure that I think he has done enough. He is very supportive when I'm down and when I get angry. Never argues, never says "can't you just get over it" and without me asking he constantly calls tells me if he's going to be late, and why etc. I think I need more than that though because to me he's acting like a husband always should have. Before he was late, he wouldn't call, it would be assumed I'd dash around town pick up kids, run them to activities, have dinner, never knowing when he'd be home. 

I'm just looking for other ways to help me let go. So tired of feeling this way. How have some of you learned to let go and what are some of the things your spouse did to help you let go and feel good about the marriage again?


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

AZ - 

IMO from what you write, I think you're H has done a great job in showing you that's he willing to make your marriage work. He's calling (never did before), stepping in (when he didn't before), etc. I can relate and understand that you feel that is what he should have been doing as a husband all along, therefore you don't think it's enough but I don't think that's fair. He obviously _wasn't_ the husband he should have been but NOW is. That's what you need to focus on and appreciate. 

You're right - an affair is what happens when something is broken. I knew all too well that our marriage was broken - just never thought my H would go to the extreme and have an A NOR would I have every dreamed with whom. (my friend) So in that respect I was blindsided. The sad part was our marriage was so broken, I suspected nothing. It was the OW hubby that knew something was up with her right away and pursued until he discovered the A. (he had no idea anything was wrong in their marriage) SO, your question as to how he could have been so unhappy and you were content? Not sure, but perhaps you weren't happy but maybe settling???

I know it's hard but I think instead of worrying & focusing on if it could happen again - I would concentrate on making sure it doesn't!  Stay connected, and communicating and treasure your marriage. Congrats on your reconciliation!! You're an inspiration!


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Its been nearly 2 years since I discovered my H's affair, and still hurting. I still have some major issues. Some have gotten worse, others have gotten better.
> 
> Also I never got to the root of the problem. When someone has an affair its because something is broken. I was blind-sided, thought we were happy he went to great lengths to make sure I thought we were.


Some spouses really compartmentalize things. In my case, my partner and I took weekend trips to the beach, water park, amusement parks, etc. the ENTIRE time he was having the A. And we had fun on those trips. It was hard for me to understand at first how that was possible - how he could act reasonably normal and happy doing those things with me, enough that I suspected nothing, and then go and complain to the OW about how I was "dragging" him here or there. Our therapist suggest that those trips *were* actually a positive, and that they helped hold what was left of our bond together, and that without them the relationship might have actually ended instead of us reconciling. And he remembers that they were like an escape from all the drama of his double life, that he was still plagued by guilt but the trips helped him forget it a little bit. 

We even got a compliment on how good we were together when we visited my relatives for the weekend! That is still insane to me looking back. He tells me he felt completely tortured with guilt that whole weekend but did his best to hide it and I guess it worked.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> So he hid the affair for a long time. He is responsible 100% for that, but I want to understand what went wrong to begin with.
> His answer, we should have spent more time together and he should have communicated with me when he felt things slipping away and not lie about it so as not to deal with it. I don't accept this because I think it takes 2, so how did I not know we were unhappy when he was so unhappy and I was...content?


In my case, I was settling. Settling for not feeling like he was attracted to me anymore (and there were points where he admits he wasn't). Settling for letting him have a "social life" without me. Settling for being focused on my own needs instead of the relationship. I was a total gym junky back then, often going 5-6 times a week. Now I actually find it sad that working out was the highlight of my day back then. Now my highlight is spending time with my partner.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> How will they not go wrong again? Part of the reason I didn't notice was I was very busy with my son who has health problems. So part of me really is still angry about how I dealt alone with these issues while he was screwing around.


I hear you. I was oblivious about the A mainly because I was completely exhausted from being overworked at my job. It is maddening that I was trying to better my career and because I worked long hours and spent a lot of time sleeping it gave him time to go out with the OW.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> The issues have come up again and are under control and we are dealing together with them, but it does pull my time away and I start thinking now it will happen again. Sometimes I am so worn out emotionally from dealing with these issues, I've got nothing left and this is usually when I start dwelling on his affair again.
> 
> I really do want to let go, and in good times (no stress, work going well, kids healthy, etc.) I do fine but stress causes me to dwell back on the negative.


I think this is pretty normal. The situation was traumatizing for you and stress brings back some of that trauma.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm just looking for other ways to help me let go. So tired of feeling this way. How have some of you learned to let go and what are some of the things your spouse did to help you let go and feel good about the marriage again?


Well, what I do is as soon as a thought enters my head about the A that has *any* emotional content, I tell myself "Don't go there!" In my head I imagine all of that stuff in a box with the lid closed and so when I go to "lift the lid" I mentally smack my hand away and say "NO!" 

When I described this to our therapist she said that this approach is sometimes used in PTSD therapy. She has offered to do more PTSD type therapy with me if I feel like the trauma of the A is not getting better or is interfering with my life. I haven't taken her up on it yet, but it is reassuring to know there's an option. Have you tried individual therapy for yourself to deal with these issues?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with the individual therapy. He's doing about as much as any wayward can do, and yet it's still an issue for you. So it will have to be you who looks elsewhere, for 'more.' My guess is that your self esteem is suffering, and you haven't yet dealt with it. Without a healthy self esteem, you will NEVER feel good about this situation, because you'll always believe you're defective or he'll find someone 'better' than you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I read in an article that men tend to compartmentalize and women need to talk about it until the wound isn't sore anymore. Do you think that might be it? It is with me. I need to be able to talk about different aspects of it until it doesn't hurt me anymore. And my H has done a fantastic job of letting me do that. Don't mistake me, I don't sit here and yell at him lol, but we talk and kinda bounce things off of each other. It helps and I am slowly getting less hurt. If any of that makes any sense at all.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I can relate! My husband had been rejecting me sexually and emotionally for the last year bc, after I discovered of inappropriate affair that had been emotional mostly, sexual partly, I had him cut contact with her. He never gave me acces to anything and got more secretive so I could only learn to accept that he was still in touch with her and she was more important than me and our marriage. Fast forward to recently and he has been initiating with me again... and in the shower even he started and I almost cried because all I could do was look at him and ask "why now, why not before?... I have been wanting this for years, asking, initiating... why now?" It was then I relaized I had been hurt more than I realized... but can really relate to the "why now.... and not before?" You are experiencing.

My way of dealing with it was to have an affair of my own... not an emotional one, its just sex to get me through until he wants it again regularly without reverting back to his "well, I was going to have sex with you tonight, but not now..." crap that he usually pulls. Im not suggesting you do this, but your question was what have others done.

A suggestion that doesnt include cheating... going out with girlfriends dancing... yes, dancing. It helps your mood, makes you feel a little sexier and its good to be with other women who want to feel the same things. I know you might be afraid of this bc it takes time away from spending time with your husband (whom you are still rebuilding trust with), but this is what I had to do. I had to let go of all feelings of control over that... I had to realize that no matter how much I love him or do things for him I cannot control what he does when Im not there, and if he does it, he does it. I was angry at first, then depressed and then kinda accepted it and now it is the way it is and Im way more realxed about it which came in handy knowing that the OW was in town all week.... believe me I was a bit on edge, but I also couldnt do anything about it! WHat was I going to follow him to work and watch him all day? No, cant wont. Fill your time with things you enjoy (for me, this was sex) for you it may be gardening, jogging, reading.... heck, join a wine of the month club or go to wine store and pick out one each week that you want to try. The more involved you are in something else, the more attractive you will be to husband... it seems counterintuitive (mostly to us women) but it works.

Hope this helps.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I think I mentioned this to you before, but IMO, having followed most of your threads the past year, you really need to consider individual therapy at this point. He is doing everything humanly possible to show his dedication to your marriage. YOU made the choice to reconcile, but at this point, it is you who is keeping the hurt, pain, and humiliation alive. if you continue to do this, it will erode the foundation your H and you are trying to build upon now. 
You have to let it go. You are choosing not to move on completely. A therapist can help you get to the root of the problem there, or suggest other options if they determine you are suffering from undiagnosed situational depression.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

NightOwl, 
Thank you, your response was very helpful. I have not tried individual therapy for myself but I am considering it. I'm just not sure who to go to. We did see a marriage counselor for a bit, and he was pretty good so I might go to him. There have been a series of things happening before and after the A some related to his A (for some reason, I've had people throw it in my face but no one has dared said anything to him. Its like they think it was my fault for not being a good enough wife...one neighbor even said that to me)...some issues with our son's health, other family health issues, even a home break in. It seems like we can't catch a break. So I've been unusually stressed and I think that makes it harder for me to heal. 
One positive has come from this, I know I can stand on my own 2 feet, I've learned independence. I didn't realize I was dependent before but when the marriage was in ruins, I was scared on top of everything else. How could I manage things, how could I make new friends, even start a new relationship, thinking if he didn't want me who would. Today I realize that I am a stronger person, I can manage issues on my own, I want to be married to him. I don't NEED to be. On the negative side, sometimes I will not share something or ask for help to keep proving to myself that I'm independent. Prior to this, all of our friends came from him. My friends were the spouses of his friends. When everything fell apart I realized I had so few real friends (sadly very few...) but that was ok, I realized because its time to make new ones and this time based upon what kind of person they are, not who they are married to and cultivate the friendships of the people who did show real friendship. 
I'm working through it but you hit the nail on the head about some people compartmentalizing. I think I don't do that at all which is why its hard for me to understand. In our case, he said it was not a lie. When he was with me, the times I point to, he said he was happy that it would come and go. For example while he was having the A, we went on a trip. For me and the kids it was a highlight of our lives. I have wonderful memories and photos and we a look so happy. There was also a very special moment in which he shared something with me that made me feel closer to him. He said that was all real, he meant everything and simply didn't think of her during that time. I look at it as it was all a lie. But what you said makes sense.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

turnera said:


> I agree with the individual therapy. He's doing about as much as any wayward can do, and yet it's still an issue for you. So it will have to be you who looks elsewhere, for 'more.' My guess is that your self esteem is suffering, and you haven't yet dealt with it. Without a healthy self esteem, you will NEVER feel good about this situation, because you'll always believe you're defective or he'll find someone 'better' than you.


I think you were right at one time, because definitely my self esteem suffered when this happened. But today that is not an issue. Believe it or not there is actually a positive out of this. When I first felt him slipping, I thought I needed to make myself more attractive to him. So I began working out, changed my hair, after losing some weight and getting in shape, bought a new wardrobe. People began to complement me, that built self esteem. Then one day I realized, I liked how I felt and looked. The exercise helped me to manage my feelings and stress, I looked forward to it, I had more energy, I felt healthy, I liked my new wardrobe. I then decided this is for me. At the time I confirmed the affair, I told him not to come home, I changed the locks and I was all set to file for divorce. Shocked him, where did this person come from??? 

The more I did for myself, the more I wanted to do it for me. Then I realized that I'd put myself on the backburner for everyone else. This is the positive part. 

Anyway, if I can say something positive came out of this its character building. The only thing that upsets me is that I was so blindsided so feel that could happen again. I don't think I was naive, he's a good liar. I told him that, and he admits that much. What scares me, is returning to that very dark place when I first felt him slipping. I was depressed and had no self esteem. Logic tells me I won't go back there, I have grown but part of me fears it still. Does that make sense? 

Wow, as I type this I think I'm starting to realize why I need something more. Its that fear of returning to that very dark moment in my life. So maybe you're right that does come from within me. When I know I can't return to that maybe then I won't expect more.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

DawnD said:


> I read in an article that men tend to compartmentalize and women need to talk about it until the wound isn't sore anymore. Do you think that might be it? It is with me. I need to be able to talk about different aspects of it until it doesn't hurt me anymore. And my H has done a fantastic job of letting me do that. Don't mistake me, I don't sit here and yell at him lol, but we talk and kinda bounce things off of each other. It helps and I am slowly getting less hurt. If any of that makes any sense at all.


I definitely do this. By talking about it, it always lessens the hurt. In fact I think of it exactly that way, like getting desensitized. There are some memories that at one time were very painful and now I think "I'm ok with it now". He does talk about it with me, and those are almost always positive and constructive.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Mommy2 and Mommybean
You are both right. I'm not sure why I hesitate to do individual therapy. Definitely I am depressed at times to the point of it affecting concentration and appetite, even stomach issues. I just keep thinking I can manage it on my own.

I also think some of it may be self-preservation. What I haven't really gone in to yet is the fact that he has broken his promise on no contact multiple times. There was some inappropriate texting going on long before I found out about his affair. I didn't judge but did asked him to cut all communication and he promised he would. He didn't. I watched the phone records but said nothing. He kept saying she was a "friend" and I was overreacting. I also suspect he had a sexual affair at that time with a different woman. Long story but there were all the right clues. He denies it. Then it stopped and I figured I'd overreacted then it started back up again and I said whatever had gone on or not, didn't matter but could he and would he give her up. His answer was absolutely, but no sooner did I step out the door to take my daughter on a trip than he began sleeping with her in our bed. There were at least half a dozen times he promised no contact even after reconciliation. When he asked me if I would consider counseling and I agreed I said on the condition there be zero contact with her, if he did then I as through and would proceed with divorce. He knows I was 100% serious. He emailed her. I did find out because he told me but not for 8 months. He said he didn't know why he did it but he lied to me about it as he was certain I'd walk out the door. 

I have no reason to believe it continued, she does try to contact him but he won't respond at all. When I asked him why he did email her after I agreed to reconciling, he said "I guess I did it because if things didn't work out I had something else". 

I think I want proof that I'm not just "the best option" but that this is what he truly wants.

Having said that, no doubt what you said is true and maybe its time to do some kind of individual counseling. I will definitely give it serious consideration.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can tell you that counseling can do WONDERS for you. I don't know what you think it's like, but it is not uncomfortable, they don't press into things you don't want to talk about, in fact you often dictate what you DO want to talk about. They guide you to figure out your own issues, really.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

turnera said:


> I can tell you that counseling can do WONDERS for you. I don't know what you think it's like, but it is not uncomfortable, they don't press into things you don't want to talk about, in fact you often dictate what you DO want to talk about. They guide you to figure out your own issues, really.


Turnera,
I actually want to go to counseling. We started and it was going good so he suggested we quit. I figured he didn't want to be there, hates facing what he did and talking about it so I figured as long a we could talk on our own I would stop but that was a mistake.

I've hinted then told him point blank I think we should go back and he says he's willing but then starts making excuses. I could put my foot down and I know he will go but its not what I want. I was hoping he'd want to put the same energy in to it as I did. As long as I never brought it up again he's happy. In fact as long as I don't bring anything up, no matter how sad I feel he will ignore it. Unless I specifically say, I am feeling this way he ignores it. 

Kind of the way we got in to this, lack of communication and avoidance. I just don't know if I have the energy to initiate it so feeling pretty sad at this point. He started out so good and now reverting to old habits. I don't know what to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leave him and do what YOU need for YOUR life. If he wants you in his life, he can follow you, and do what YOU need.


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