# Dealing with your own parents and their damage



## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

This may not be the right forum - I'm looking for advice and/or links to a good forum where I can discuss problems with my parents. I'm having a tough time in my marriage and in parenting my seven-year-old daughter. Both of these things put a strain on my relationship with my own parents (mainly my father, who is probably the most negative and critical person I've ever met). Oddly enough, the more I get away from his way of thinking, and the more positive a person I become, the less patience I have with him and his negative ways, and I end up coming very close to losing my temper with him. I've come a long way and while I have more patience, it's just impossible to abide that kind of behavior. He's awful (not to mention has an addiction with no plans of stopping - that fake marijuana stuff). I'm not blaming my parents for my life not being perfect; however, they did a pretty bad job and set horrible examples with frequent verbal and physical abuse toward each other and myself - which hasn't been easy to overcome - and his new judgmental behavior regarding my own parenting is more than I can take. My daughter is, all in all, awesome and is very sweet. But she is not into listening, and he literally shakes his head almost every time we are all together because he thinks I don't cut her enough slack. It really is too much coming from an abusive control freak with a long history of treating others like garbage. To make matters more confusing, my parents are both capable of being very loving and inspiring people, when it suits them.

I don't blame them for my life, but I do acknowledge that overcoming their extremely damaging behavior has been a feat. I may be at the point of politely extracting my father from my life. My parents babysit my children approximately twice a year, and visit once in a blue moon, in spite of living in the same area code. I may be done. Help!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm grateful my toxic parents disowned me BEFORE I had kids.

No way could I take their backseat parenting when they themselves sucked at it. LOL


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

They are getting older now and it won't be too long before my mother, a lifelong verbal abuser and nag (and also a wonderful musician, artist and intelligent, attractive person) needs the only child to start taking care of her. She has had big issues with menopause and subsequent debilitating depression and anxiety. Either can't or won't work. Hardly goes outside anymore. If I'm not there, they only have each other. And they have no savings of any kind.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

When I was a young child (and on into teenage years) they hit each other, screamed at each other what seems like daily for years, he has knocked her teeth out, he told me she has loaded and aimed a shotgun at him, there was a very bitter custody battle for me when I was young, I remember going to the lawyer's office; I was on the verge of mortal fear many days as a kid, whether it be physical abuse or "just" verbal (screaming in my face, very strong personal attacks and insults), total lack of stability... I think they believe that introducing me to things like music, art, culture and church camp made up for it? They eventually remarried a few years ago, but neither has respect for any human being. They idolize musicians and great thinkers, but treat the people they know and "love" like trash and aren't there for anyone. They bow out of most family/community events they're invited to and don't seem to care about the grandkids enough to see them much. They try to make holidays special, and like I said can be loving and genuine, but what a rollercoaster. Bottom line is they don't even take care of themselves; not at all. Financially, health-wise... Should they just be left behind, once and for all????


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I keep my parents at arms length, they have little contact with me or my children. I've had therapy over the years to deal with my father's alcoholism and my mother's enabling as well as their general negative, judgemental, and controlling behavior.

I thought that after I left home I could just carry on as a "normal" person, but the damage is still there and pops up when I least expect it. When I am under stress is when old patters of helplessness pop up the most often. Learning new skills to deal with this has helped tremendously.

The easy part was learning that my childhood was not ideal, but it is very difficult to learn new behavior and coping skills.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm of the belief that you reap what you sow. My dad died last year. He had my mom and sister on a limited basis. Neither could stand him and are glad to see him gone.

I've been gone for 14 years. I hear the funeral was pathetic. Glad I missed it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cut them out of your life and treat them as acquaintances who get periodic updates only.
You will be happier for it,almost guaranteed.

People who are so firm on preaching how important family is just don't get it sometimes.
If those people weren't your parents would you allow them into your life? If that answer is no then why allow it bc they happen to be mom and dad?

After my mother's most recent manipulative guilt trip lash out I told her flat out that I'm done. I already had her on limited access bc of her abusive,unapologetic ways but now she's totally gone. While I miss the blue moon times where we had a bit of friendship,I'm all around happier in general.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I read this book once about abusive parents that said we keep these people in our lives and yet if we didn't know them we wouldn't ask them for directions. LOL

So true. 

The cops have been to my parents house on numerous occasions - these are the truly crazy type people that most people avoid and I was trying to have a relationship with them. LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ugh so true.My feelings on it came from an article that discussed a woman's inner monologue about herself. "omg you're so fat today" and things like that. Basically asking would you allow a friend to talk to you the way you talk to yourself?? 

I applied it to the parental situation too. if I wouldn't allow a friend or partner to treat me that way,my momma sure as heck isn't getting away with it either.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Toxic parents think just because they gave you life you OWE them. 

Nope doesn't work that way.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

That's my mother."I gave you life and this is how you repay me!"

I recall saying to my mother "oh yes,thank you O'Grand Empress of the Womb for giving me life instead of keeping your legs closed so my soul could be born to a mother who knew how to love."

not my best moment and I still feel bad about being so hateful.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Eh I'm sure she deserved it.  My sister and I were pretty ugly to our mom the last Christmas I was around. It was a total mutiny and mom left all huffy and angry. We laughed afterwards saying "get your negative self out of here".

We totally rebelled against her that year.

Ever see the movie The Ref? OMG that is so my mom. We used to call her the Godmother because she was so awful. LOL


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