# My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 3)



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

The consequences of my A stretch out beyond the walls of my home and marriage. Not only did I risk losing my husband and my family, but I have lost many friends and my integrity.

My marriage will forever be scared by my choice to have an affair. If I had had the integrity and courage to face the issues of my marriage I would never have had the inclination to break the bonds of my vows. If I had been honest with myself and accepted that I needed my husband and had enough faith in him to tell him so, the walls I built between us would never have been built. If I had just let go of my ego and accepted that sometimes a strong woman is stronger when she expresses her needs, I would never have shut him out. Now, I can never take back the pain I have caused. I can never take back what I did. My husband will forever question me and will never trust me fully. I now need to accept that I will have to be accountable for everything I do, every phone call, text, email I make; every conversation I have and every friend I have. I have to be cognizant of everything so that I never hurt him again. I have to accept that I will, in a sense, be subservient to the wishes of my husband. I am OK with this. If I want my marriage to really work, I have to be. I have to have accept that I am not always going to be the one in control and that it is OK to let the control go.

My career suffered during the first few month after Dday. Lack of sleep made it difficult to concentrate. My mind was always thinking about the mess I had created. I dealt with self loathing, sadness, shame, guilt. Emotionally I was a mess and was a walking time bomb. Luckily, my supervisors were very understanding. I sat down with each of them and explained that I was have serious marital problems (I did not specify), I let them know that I was struggling to do my job at the level that I expected of myself. They both suggested that I do the best I can do and they would support me in any way I needed. It was flattering that they both indicated that my personal professional expectations were so high that no one but me would notice if I was slacking off a bit. I was even given a couple days off to deal with things at home and regroup. Luckily, I have the summer off and can spend almost every minute with my husband and my children. I can recharge myself, and recharge my marriage. It has been a blessing. My children will be spend a week with their grandparents, and my husband and I have a lot of plans to enjoy together. We are taking a family vacation in August and are looking forward to the honesty of our marriage to make it the best ever. I am very lucky.

I confided in a good friend/colleague about the affair. She has been very supportive both professionally and personally. She is nonjudgmental and sincerely checks in on me from time to time to see how I am. She’s had my back. I also confided in my sister. We have not talked at great length about details, but she has been supportive of both my husband and me and of our marriage.

Shortly after Dday, my husband contacted a few of our friends about what had happened. One couple in particular needed to know as they are mutual friends with the xOM. My husband selflessly expressed that he wished no sides be taken, but that they respect his decision to reconcile and that they respect his need to not be invited to events that the xOM might be at. Initially, the friends were supportive of my husband. They were shocked at what they learned. I followed up with communication expressing my apologies for the deceit and that it would be a while to be able to face them again. They all indicated that they appreciated my apologies, but it wasn’t warranted. Things were okay between us as far as they were concerned, but they were pleased that I was working things out with my husband.

My husband decided that he would like to renew our vows on our anniversary this summer. Not as a way to put this all behind us, but as a way to recommit to our marriage and as a symbol of that commitment. He asked one friend to officiate and invited the others to be with us to witness. They were all part of our wedding 12 years ago. The one friend agreed to officiate, another couple (who has since been unconditional friends) also accepted the invitation. The other 2 couples did not reply immediately.

A couple months after the initial invitation, we received an email from the couple that was friends with the xOM that expressed their discomfort with attended our renewal of vows. They felt that it was inappropriate considering the other couple was heading for D. Although we understood their position, it still hurt. Shortly after, our friend who had agreed to officiate backed out. She expressed that she was not comfortable doing the ceremony as she didn’t know where we were at in our reconciliation and hadn’t really heard anything about it other than we were in MC. That really stung! And finally, the last couple we invited declined the invitation. They had learn about who the xOM was and decided that they could not support our reconciliation if the other couple was not doing well. We realized the problem. The perception that they had is that we just rug swept the affair and were moving on. We did not share with them the details of our daily struggles....the tears, the anger, the pain, all the sleepless nights. We kept that private....it is private! It was between us! So, they had no idea the work that we were doing to repair our marriage and the work that we still have to do. We both felt that we should respect their feelings, but that we would go ahead with the renewal without them because it was about us committing to each other again.

To make a longer story short for the sake of the readers....the friends have now blamed my husband for the destruction of the xOMs marriage because he informed the other BS. They are no longer our friends.

All I can add at this point is that my A has impacted every aspect of my life and the life of my family. I was selfish and wrong and am dealing with the consequences head on and head high because now, for once in a long time, I am doing the right thing.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I love you Regret.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Regret -- I am going to say this just because I see the amount of posting and answers to very hard questions you have done today -- don't forget to take a break from the forum. Even if its only for a couple of hours, take a break here and there. This can lead to both BS's and WS's feeling worse when they are online if they don't take some time away now and then


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with Dawn. I just finished reading your three OP's and I gotta say, you've poured your heart out here and probably are quite drained. The two of you should go and cuddle up now and decompress. And hysterically bond


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Regret and Dig: This is for the both of you. Renewing your vows is nice. My H and I just did this, 3 years after Dday. Sometimes having a small ceremony with just you and the kids this close to Dday is nice, and having a nice renewal with family and friends a couple of years out is a lot more fun!


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I love you Regret.


Love you too, Dig! <3


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Regret -- I am going to say this just because I see the amount of posting and answers to very hard questions you have done today -- don't forget to take a break from the forum. Even if its only for a couple of hours, take a break here and there. This can lead to both BS's and WS's feeling worse when they are online if they don't take some time away now and then


To be honest....we are sitting next to each other writing on the same forum and talking about things. We do take breaks and unplug. This has been good for both of us and other readers.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Regret214 said:


> To be honest....we are sitting next to each other writing on the same forum and talking about things. We do take breaks and unplug. This has been good for both of us and other readers.


Good! Just don't feel that you have to answer any and everything all right now. Hopefully you will both be able to take something away from this forum as well, to help rebuild


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I agree with Dawn. I just finished reading your three OP's and I gotta say, you've poured your heart out here and probably are quite drained. The two of you should go and cuddle up now and decompress. And hysterically bond


HOPE....other than the 1st thread, I wrote them in a separate document...took my time, and took breaks. Once complete, I copied and pasted into the forum. With 2 young kids, summer vacation, etc....I wasn't going to sit in from of the computer to write it all out in one sitting. , but thanks for your concern. And we will both unplug soon and cuddle on the couch with our daily routine of Y&R on DVR!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I wonder if Adam and Chelsea will ever get through to Victor...or if Tucker will ever reconcile with Ash...or if Paul will be found guilty of murder. So much on that show!!

But it's fun to cuddle :awink:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> I just have such a hard time believing that during those 5 years you did not really grasp the consequences of your actions. You seem to be an intelligent woman and a good mother but how long can the fog last for?
> 
> *Too long and I felt in too deep. I felt completely powerless in my life and out of control. Dig and I have commented to each other that the way our home looks is a reflection of how out of control our lives and our marriage got. As time progressed through the A I cared less and less about following through with commitments. In fact, tomorrow I will be returning library books I have had for 2 years. I was literally in a state of depression and felt helpless*
> 
> ...


No, I haven't reached out. I knew her, but not well, and met her only twice. I have thought about reaching out to apologize, but fear that it may hurt her more than help. And the apology might be perceived as just my trying to make myself feel better, and I don't deserve that.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Sigh, I promise I am not pestering you. I honestly want to leave this thread and your other threads alone. I wish you guys the best of luck but then I read one more thing that really hurt me. I just wanted to get your perspective.
> 
> Your husband, in his thread, said that he had dealt with cheating his whole life:
> 
> ...


I wish this was fiction as well. However we got here, Dig and I are moving forward towards a new and better marriage. Learning from the past and making tomorrow brighter.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB, I appreciate your concerns and your support. The communication is key. HONEST communication. Short of intense psychotherapy I fell that some answers cannot be given...but I will continue to try.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Regret, the effusive way to write about your husband actually troubles me a bit. There have been several other WW come here to TAM and express their remorse and how they are going to make it right by their BS, only to grow tired or the hardwork or decide to go back to the affair, or to get fed up and leave the marriage. They too heaped praise and words of commitment on their husbands, perhaps too much.

It might do you some good to read their words and avoid the mistakes they made. Allybabe and working_together come to mind. Ally recently got caught in dday 3 and has moved out to be with OM, while working's husband couldn't get over her affair and she couldn't handke is nasty attitude. Both saddened me when their Rs broke down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Regret, I love your avatar. I think it sums you, and your remorseful attitude, up really well.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> JB, I appreciate your concerns and your support. The communication is key. HONEST communication. Short of intense psychotherapy I fell that some answers cannot be given...but I will continue to try.


Regret,

Based on posts that you and SomedayDig have made in this forum (and elsewhere), it seems that each of you (and you especially) would be well-advised to seek the services of a really, really good IC.

Are you in individual counseling? If not, why not? 

I applaud the hard work that the two of you are doing together. It seems to me that in order to give your R the best possible shot, Regret needs to be working just as hard on her own in IC.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Regret, the effusive way to write about your husband actually troubles me a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you mess up my getting effusived later, I will pop you!!

:rofl:



seriously...we're gonna watch tv now and be off the forums for the night. See ya's tomorrow.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

The kids were in the house when she was boning the OM. I don't think Dig realizes the enormity of this betrayal but when he hits the rage stage it will be a doozy. This 3 part trilogy has a contrived feel to it and an Ally Babe flavor.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you come back I hope you see this 1st. You f^cked him up big time.
My chick did some serious crap to me and it was the hardest thing in my 45 yrs to deal with.

Its been 2-1/2 yrs since I confronted her and we are making it, but I know exactly what I'm forgiving my wfe for...the painful details of of 20 OM for the last 13 years. So I know about the good one, the small ones, and big ones, the percied ones and the ones that liked to watch.

My point is if Digs can cope with these kind of details (be warned brother this is some painful stuff) then he will know "everything" and IMHO that the only way to get through....Knowing exactly what he is for giving.

^ yrs is a long time to go back in the memory banks so it takes time. after 13 yrs it took my old lady days to recall.

But I would ask a question in morning and we discused that one question in the evening. The affair I nailed her on was easy and alot came out, but the ONS were there was booze that took the most time. The affair that lasted the longest (2 month) there were alot of details fWW could recal; that was the one with the most emotion.

My point to all this is letting Digs (if he wants) know everything. In may case it helped. In my fWW case that 13 yr monkey got off her back.

Later


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I apologize if you are adressed it earlier. Wha'ts your story with infidelity, Regret? Have you ever cheated on boyfriends in the pasts? Overlaped relationship? What's your FOO story around infidelity? Was you cheated on anytime? What about using sex as coping/scape mechanism in the past?

At another level. I've read in your husband thread he felt was always to blame for every issue in the marriage. Did you percieve him diferently as you entered in the affair, how did it progressed? Can you now separate acurate issues steming from him from maybe some fog induced demonization of him? The same question about you marriage in general would be interesting to read: Has changed someone the perception you had of the marriage back then and now?

Did anyone beyond OM know about the affair while it was active? Did somene condone, encourage or covered for you?

Thanks again for sharing. Wish you the best.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I can , to some extent, understand how a nice guy like SD would be willing to try to R, but after reading Regret's threads, I'm damned if I could do it. My self respect would not let me. A cheater is quite simply inferior to me. We read, far too many times, how the WS says that their BS deserves better, and they are right. I DO deserve better than a cheater for a spouse, and so does SD. I NEVER abused my EX, in any way, shape , or form. I didn't know about her mental /parental abuse problems, because she never told me, and all of the rest of her crappy family kept it hushed up. So now BS's like myself, betrayed1 and Dig and others are forced by the infidelity to live , lives , not of our own making? How is this fair , or just? No cheater is worth this, not one of them.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Life's not fair in so many ways, it's no use even arguing.

But I agree with Shaggy's point, let's not run a parade yet. They're only 4 months since DD, way too early for congratulations.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Regret, the effusive way to write about your husband actually troubles me a bit. There have been several other WW come here to TAM and express their remorse and how they are going to make it right by their BS, only to grow tired or the hardwork or decide to go back to the affair, or to get fed up and leave the marriage. They too heaped praise and words of commitment on their husbands, perhaps too much.
> 
> It might do you some good to read their words and avoid the mistakes they made. Allybabe and working_together come to mind. Ally recently got caught in dday 3 and has moved out to be with OM, while working's husband couldn't get over her affair and she couldn't handke is nasty attitude. Both saddened me when their Rs broke down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shaggy, I respect your position....but feel that you are off base. My H does deserve to be praised. He has chosen to do what few men are capable of, reconciling with his wife who betrayed him for 5 years. He is, and always has been, a strong man of character and integrity. I was unfortunately blind to this for too many years. I am not trying to stroke his ego to make him stay...I have told him many times in the past 4 months, and will continue to tell him, that if he can't do this that I understand and have only myself to blame. And I absolutely stand by this! I spent too many years making him feel like crap and blaming him for all the problems in our marriage. It's about time I tell him the truth of how I see him!


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> When you come back I hope you see this 1st. You f^cked him up big time.
> My chick did some serious crap to me and it was the hardest thing in my 45 yrs to deal with.
> 
> Its been 2-1/2 yrs since I confronted her and we are making it, but I know exactly what I'm forgiving my wfe for...the painful details of of 20 OM for the last 13 years. So I know about the good one, the small ones, and big ones, the percied ones and the ones that liked to watch.
> ...


Thanks, Guy..... I feel like you just get us! Dig and I have has some very difficult conversations where minute details of everything was discussed....from sex, to foreplay, to oral, to flirting, to texting, etc. Neither of us have shared the details on this forum, but believe me, we have talked about them.

He, like you, needed to know EVERY detail so that he could get his mental movies to stop and he knew what I had given away that should have been only his. For me, the same monkey that your fWW had on her back was ripped off of mine. So much stress and anxiety was released from me to be able to not push down any more lies, no matter how small. For Dig, the truth was hard to hear, but now he knows me!

It is true....The Truth with Set You Free!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> Shaggy, I respect your position....but feel that you are off base. My H does deserve to be praised. He has chosen to do what few men are capable of, reconciling with his wife who betrayed him for 5 years. He is, and always has been, a strong man of character and integrity. I was unfortunately blind to this for too many years. I am not trying to stroke his ego to make him stay...I have told him many times in the past 4 months, and will continue to tell him, that if he can't do this that I understand and have only myself to blame. And I absolutely stand by this! I spent too many years making him feel like crap and blaming him for all the problems in our marriage. It's about time I tell him the truth of how I see him!


I honestly want you both to R. My point is for both of you to take some time an read tales of false R or R that broke down.

I am not in any way saying you shouldn't be putting passion and effort into your marriage and your husband. BUT in the end the marriage isn't going to recover and succeed if the new marriage is one of you giving giving giving and not equally participating.

If your hungry and haven't eaten in days, you don't go and eat a 100 burgers at once. It will only make you sick. What you need to do is resume a regular diet of regular and consistent meals.

The point I was raising was that in some ways it sounds like you are trying to make up for 5 years of lies and betrayal in 4 months. 

Read those other threads and learn from their failures.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The point I was raising was that in some ways it sounds like you are trying to make up for 5 years of lies and betrayal in 4 months.


Does making up for the loss of sex for me count?!! I mean COME ON MAN!! Do NOT ruin this run for me!!


(levity. it is my friend. )


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy, thank you for clarification of your intent. I will heed your warnings and look into other stories.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Does making up for the loss of sex for me count?!! I mean COME ON MAN!! Do NOT ruin this run for me!!
> 
> 
> (levity. it is my friend. )


Actually, I hope it keeps going on for as long as possible for you. Years and years in fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## acm (Jul 15, 2012)

Regret and Dig I want to thank you both. I have taken so much from your posts and see some things I can try in my own situation that I believe would help my husband and I. 

Thank You,
ACM


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Many here are cautious because we’ve seen this play out before and it doesn’t always have a happy ending.

When my W had her EA, she moved out and eventually moved in with the OM. After about 3 months of separation she comes back deciding she wants me and the M more than the OM. We even talked of renewing our vows as well. She realized that I was the one she wanted to be with and went NC with the OM.

This lasted about 6 months.

I noticed she started putting less and less effort in the M and wanted to rug sweep. Like another poster mentioned I forgave easily because I had some guilt from flirting online with some women a few years ago (no EA but inappropriate) so I blamed myself. At 6 months I was hitting the anger stage and about that time the OM contact my W. She first lied about it but confessed almost immediately and then left again out of guilt and “I can’t do this anymore”. A complete polar opposite of her attitude just a couple of months prior. To be honest though, I was just a couple of weeks of kicking her out anyway as I was getting sick of her attitude towards me (she was disregarding my feelings on just about everything). Plus you know, anger stage. It doesn't really hit you until later the magnitude of what just happened.

That was my first false R with her. The second was worse.

The point is this: You have a long road ahead of you and it’s going to get harder once the dust settles. You guys aren’t out of the woods yet. I R'd 3 times (there will NOT be a 4th) because I like torturing myself and have been in the 3rd R for 3 years now. It can be done but it ain't easy.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I admire both of yalls courage as it takes alot to overcome the effects of an affair. My spouse and I have been in recovery over 3 yrs now as I was the WS and she ended up having a revenge affair we both attended MC and IC and decided to R which I am glad that we did although their where trying times It was really worth it and I thank God regulary that everything worked out I feel that the first year is the hardest we have become best friends again and do alot things together like in the beginning of our relationship last month we celebrated 12 yrs of marriage 

Good Luck to yall


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In case you haven't seen the wayward spouse instructions:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068

11th post down


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