# My Life as I knew it is over, So Very Sad!



## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

My H of almost 5 years left me 7 days ago. He left a letter which I got when I returned home from work. I was in utter disbelief at what I was reading. He said that he had not been treating me right for awhile and was choosing his friends and himself over me for too long and thats why he must leave. He mentioned he had been talking to coworkers (cops) about their marriages and said he doesn't want to be like the one's who cheat. I couldn't believe that he had been talking to others and not me about his feelings. He said he doesn't want kids in the letter. This also was a surprise to me since he bought me a book on what to do before trying to concieve and we had been planning over the last year. 

I cannot believe that the man I've shared almost 10 years of my life with has choosen to leave me with a letter. We have led a very full life traveled 3 or 4 times a year out of the country and always made time for that. We just returned from a week trip to Mexico last month. 

I feel like he is such a coward for not facing me in person to tell me this. I was so distraught that I booked a trip same day to Florida to be with family. That wasn't a cheap flight either, but I had to do it for my own sanity. I had to be back two days later because of Grad school, but I had to leave and to be completely honest I wasn't thinking straight. 

It's been so tough on my body physically and mentally over these 7 days. I had Xanex prescribed to me for the first time due to my sleepless nights and irritability. I've seen a Cardiologist because my heart feels like it wants to jump out my chest. My head never stops hurting and I feel like I'm walking on air because I am in such a daze of confusion. 

My H is gonna be 30 in 3 months and I'm 34. We met when he was 20 and married 5 years later. I was always worried that he would question being married because he was going to feel like he has missed out something in his twenties. He chose to be a police officer after we got married and I was very hesistant about accepting this as I knew from others that cops personality's sometimes change due to the nature of the job. 

We rarely ever argued or have major disagreements. Never had domestic issues. His schedule since getting this job has been horrible and we rarely saw eachother the 5 days he worked. He worked nights, I worked days. He would rarely communicate while working so we would have to catch up on a weeks worth of events in the two days he was off. Rarely did we always get to everything.

I never thought he would change this dramatic. The man I fell for was so caring, honest, generous, and kind. He has a great family and we are all so very close. He calls my grandparents his and we have so many friends together. No one in his family has reached out to me. They may not know anything. His brother who is also a cop, younger than him and single has had a big influence on him. He lives very close and I believe he thinks his life would be better single from what he sees his brothers life is. He moved into his brothers apt and thats where he is now. I see his car there. 

We own our apt and things need to start moving forward to sell. The only contact he has attempted to make over the last 7 days is to send me info by email and text regarding his efforts to sell and look into realty companies. No apology or Let's talk in any of those msgs. PS, I didn't respond to any of email or text. 

How dare he just up and make the next step without even discussing this with me in person! I refuse to make this easy for him since he has gone out like this. He is a coward! I'm just stuck in what to do next. I know a divorce is inevitable. 

Here's my question... How can I go on so that when I look back at my first marriage, the memory of being left by letter is not going to always be so tramatic when I think about it. How do I hold in all my rage and take the highroad when he does finally man up and reaches out to talk to me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself here.

Do not call him, beg him, text him, plead for him to come home. This will turn him off even more. Get a life right now. Get a new hobby, go out with your friends, shout if you need to but don't crawl to him asking him to come back to you.

Start thinking in a practical sense. Has he seen a lawyer yet? Have you? Sorry to hear he left you in this way. It's the coward's way if he never told you before he was having all these thoughts.

Stay busy. Join a gym.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

*Re: My Life as I knew it is over, So Very Sad! Advice Welcome*

Thank you Jellybeans. I certainly won't be asking for him back. I don't want him back. Since he hasn't contacted me, I don't know what he has done regarding a lawyer. I'm going to try and keep busy. :smthumbup: I have consulted with an atty and it definitely helped with the questions I had. Gym and staying active is def high on the list too. Just need to get my mind right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> Thank you Jellybeans. I certainly won't be asking for him back.


Wow. You definitely have the right attitude. 

Most people find themselve totally groveling in a situation like this. If you can maintain this attitude, you are going to be FINE JUST FINE    

Do you have close family & friends near to you you can hang with? 

Don't wait for him to come back. Don't have the expectation he will come back. That is one of the worst things you could do right now. Right now you've got to consider him gone forever. Weird, right? But it's the only way you will get through this with a clear mind. 

It's like how they tell soldiers in the war... stop waiting for the possibility to get shot at -- you have to pretend you are already dead or not coming back alive. Accept and it makes everything better. Morbid, yes, but it's applicable here as well. Dead meaning, your marriage is gone. You have to act this way from the outset.

Him telling you he didn't want kids--well I see taht as him doing you a favor. I can't imagine anything worse than having a child w/ someone only for them later to pull this card. Yuck! 

Stay strong. We are hear to help


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Your so right about the not having kids piece. When I first read it, it was like a dagger to my womenhood and ego. But now that I've had some time to think, I know it's for the best. I can't believe I have to think about this marriage being dead, when the last words I heard him speak to me by phone was Love you. Crazy but true. Dude is screwed up and has tried to screw me up, but I have to be stronger. In the end, he lost, not me. Thanks again


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it's understandable that it feels like a huge blow to your ego and "womanhood.'" I feel like my ego was badly beaten the day I got served with divorce papers.

It all comes down to: why stay with or fight for someone who wants out? It's silly.

The problem lies within him, not you. So just focus on yourself and your life and accept he was a chapter in your book that is ending.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Good girl you lawyered up!

No contact is great, you don't need the bum anyway.

Prepare yourself, just in case he has a secret he's keeping. Another woman, man, alien, addiction...whatever.

It will be hard to trust somebody again. But in time you'll put it in perspective.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you Saffron. I've just consulted with a atty, haven't hired him yet. People are telling me be very careful since I haven't had any contact with him and I really need to know what his next move is. Are we gonna do this nice? Or is it gonna get ugly? That's where I am right now. PS: I like the alien part... who knows right? He's acting like an alien to me now.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's very likely cheating with someone and has been for a while.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

First off, your H is not a man. And if you do end up getting back together please don't hold that against me.
No "man" would be a coward and leave a letter basically saying he's doing you a favor for leaving.
And the whole cheating part? That's just ridiculous.

I am glad to hear that you are not rolling over and dying over this.
You sound like a strong woman. Hold your head up high.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

How are you holding up? What a spineless jerk.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I just came back from seeing a counselor. She was great! She complimented me on doing so much for myself this week in so little time. I did break down earlier today with all the pressure and I took one of the Xanex. It worked and I was able to feel almost like myself the rest of the day. I know there's going to be sooooo much more emotion to deal with because Mr. Coward still hasn't made contact and the more time that passes, the more I'm disgusted with him. However, maybe I'll surprise myself and get more tougher emotionally and have little to nothing to say when he does pop up. Either way, all your thoughts and encouragement has been very helpful to me. Thank you


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> First off, your H is not a man. And if you do end up getting back together please don't hold that against me.
> No "man" would be a coward and leave a letter basically saying he's doing you a favor for leaving.
> And the whole cheating part? That's just ridiculous.
> 
> ...


What did you mean by the whole cheating part is ridiculous? I know how I interpreted it, but how did you? 
Did you take from it that it's obvious he is or wants to cheat and that's why he's leaving...


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I think what Deliquent Gurl meant, correct me if I'm wrong, was that his excuse about not wanting to be a cheater was bullplop. 

I agree with the others that say they think he already is. I read that more than 50% of men who leave their relationships already have someone else, but more than 50% of women who leave, don't. I would be checking this out stat with a private eye. I chose not to (it was going to cost me $900-1500, and honestly, I wanted him to come clean of his own volition--yeah, right!) but should have done it. If you can prove he's screwing around, some states will do a divorce on grounds of adultery (if YOU file,) and then you may get alimony. You are Wonderwoman. Where the hall were you when I went through this?


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks uhaul my marriage. I'm not stupid and there is something def up with his actions. I don't care at this point if it is or not OW, I'm not going to take him back for any reason. The truth I believe will come out one day and him and only him will have to face the choices he made.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Not recognizable, I hate to hear that men have choosen this way to hurt others before, but never ever did I see it happening to me. I thank you for your words of encouragement about the atty. I do know I have to go hard, but I'm not a mean person and money is not an object for me. I could take his pention and have atty fees and split our marital assets, but at the end of the day, I want my sanity. I know he is being mean so I should too, but I wonder if maybe I should take the high road. Who knows maybe I'll have a change of heart after the coming weeks unfold. The Xanex is definitely short term relief for now. I want to throw those suckers away soon after I get my life back in order. Tks for that as well. Keep in thouch


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you for that. I am on his health coverage and I think that's why I went to see all these doctors this week (besides needing to) because I know I can be dropped now. Good point. This is all just soo much to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> The truth I believe will come out one day and him and only him will have to face the choices he made.


The truth always reveals itself in time.

I didn't mention it before but his comment in the letter to you saying he didn't want to be one of those guys who cheated before checking out of their marriages was a red flag to me also.

Protect yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

not recognizable said:


> I was involved in a live in relationship and my boyfriend split the same way--I came home from class to find he had taken the day off, packed, wrote a short stupid note, and split. A week or so later I saw him on his motorcycle with another woman.


Just curious, whatever came of the cheating couple?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> What did you mean by the whole cheating part is ridiculous? I know how I interpreted it, but how did you?
> Did you take from it that it's obvious he is or wants to cheat and that's why he's leaving...


I meant that the excuse he used about leaving so he wouldn't cheat was ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

(Long Sorry) ...To give all of you helpful wonderful people an update, today was a very full day. I woke up refreshed and hopeful that I will get through this fine. I had the day off so I was able to do housework. Four loads of laundry, dusting, singing and dancing around the house like my old self. I even took all the picture frames down and there were many (over 20) and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
I spoke with a few close friends and was looking forward to a relaxing day. Mr. Coward decided he wanted to send another text asking again about our house business and I just laughed and clearly didn't respond. I felt like texting him back, "Why don't you write a letter to them to find out" :lol: ... clearly the info he was asking me for he could have gotton on his own with one call to a certain office we work with. 
I really felt like he was trying to see if I would respond or if I would call so he could gather my emotions. With that being said, my good day came to a slight halt. My mind started racing like Why, Why does he continue the nonesense with the texting. BE A MAN AND CALL! 
Well knowing it was his day off, I hurried to get dressed. I felt deep down that if I didn't respond to this text, he would come to the house and get the info he needed in our paperwork. I didn't want him bumping into me by accident, I wanted it to be on my terms. I got dressed to the nine's to go out for the night. 
Just as I was making my evening arrangements, low and behold Mr. Coward calls. 
It's very possible he saw my windows open and knew I was home (Remember he's across the street at his brother's) So I hesitated to pick up, but needed to stop this insanity so I did. I said hello, he said hello, he spoke about the text right away and I didn't give him any info, told him he would have to get the info himself. He then proceeded to ask why I haven't returned any of his text msgs and I simply said because I think there are other things we need to discuss in person that's more important than any house business especially the way he left this. 
He said ok right away and asked if I wanted to meet him outside??? (again coward move, cause I'm so dangerous???) And it's like 40 degrees out! I clearly said No. I actually told him that I was on my way out and maybe today wasn't a good idea, just so he wouldn't be surprised when he saw me all dressed up. I then said "You know what, let's do this another day", he said ok let him know when. I again had my mind racing and said "Forget it just come over now, I wanna get this over with" and He came right away.
I looked good. He looked worn out. I had a glass of wine by my side and my guard up. He felt the need to fix the front door handle for a few minutes before he even walked in. He sat on the couch and said he was at a loss for words. He then said he knew it was "messed up":rofl: for leaving the letter. Talked about his reasoning (which made no logical sense) and basically just didn't move me at all with anything he said. I sat patiently, listened, never interupted and mostly looked up alot because I couldn't look at his face. 
Then I spoke my peace. 
I told him in a very calm and secure tone that I am very disappointed by the way he felt he needed to leave this marriage. I said I think that he had every opportunity to do it differently. I told him I'm not mad at him because he's not the person I married anymore. I told him I wish him no ill will and hope he has a good life. 
I told him I was very devastated getting the letter and had to fly out of town just to be with family. I told him that I'll be ok and look forward to moving on. My last question to him was, "What responsibility does he think he has towards the house while he is not living here" He said he will cover his portion as always. With that, I said here's your mail and good bye. He left and I walked the other direction as to not watch him leave. 
He didn't give me any feedback as to what I said nor did I to his. That was weird. Kinda speaks to the finality of it all.
I didn't cry and I felt good with what I said and how I said it. There's going to be so much we have to still do together, I didn't want to put anger soo much out there, Not this time 
One last thing, I'm sure he noticed all the photos down and ohhh what I would give to know what how he felt about that. He loved all the photos too.
Thanks for listening, What do you think? How'd I do?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Ok...let me get this straight.
He leaves you a "Dear John" letter basically telling you he wants out of the marriage, but yet the place he is staying is across the street from you?

He is not only a coward, he is a moron!!!
He looks really stupid running across the street with his tail between his legs.

I am very impressed with how you are handling things. The only thing I caution, is make sure you let yourself feel.
Maybe you won't be as affected by this, but if you do get sad and feel like crying, don't be afraid to do so.

I haven't been on these boards for very long but for the little amount of time I've been here I have found everyone here to be extremely welcoming and supportive. We are all here for one another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

You, my dear are AMAZING! You did a great job and I am in awe at how "together" and strong you are! Hold your head high lady and know one day you will be in a place where you will love again.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you... Yes and to answer your question, the moron "is in heaven" across the street with his single brother who is also a cop surrounded by video games and alcohol. Nope I can't compete with that. Of all the apts his brother could have bought he decided to get one across the street two years ago. I hate to say it, but I saw this coming from a mile away. They are very close and always has been. His brother was always jealous of me because I took my H "away from him" at the tender age of 16. So now he got him back and I'm sure he's jumping for joy. Sad but true.
The strength I'm finding here is awesome. I had a weak moment tonight and did cry when I watched an AMAZING high school performance of "Annie" that I was invited to by my aunt. She knew my favorite song I would sing when younger was "The Sun will come out Tomorrow" When it was sang in the performance, she started rubbing my leg and I almost had to walk out. I was overcome. I planned to stay at her house for the wked but I decided to return home because I just needed my home base security blanket for now. Thanks again for the encouraging words. It means alot!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Ok...let me get this straight.
He leaves you a "Dear John" letter basically telling you he wants out of the marriage, but yet the place he is staying is across the street from you?

He is not only a coward, he is a moron!!!
He looks really stupid running across the street with his tail between his legs.


DelinquentGurl said:


> I am very impressed with how you are handling things. The only thing I caution, is make sure you let yourself feel.
> Maybe you won't be as affected by this, but if you do get sad and feel like crying, don't be afraid to do so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't been on these boards for very long but for the little amount of time I've been here I have found everyone here to be extremely welcoming and supportive. We are all here for one another.


I'm letting myself "feel" with those who love me, care about me and are concerned about my well being, he clearly doesn't!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Heartbroken007, I must say I am impressed at the way you are going :smthumbup: to you.

None of us here have actually met (as far as I am aware!) but we are all family.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

P.S. Annie was my favorite movie when I was a little girl.
I used to sing (scream) that song constantly! I still have my Annie doll )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Just woke up. Not feeling as chiper and strong as yesterday. Hoping the day will change course. Thinking about him moving on so quickly is hard. Just a month ago we were charting my cycle :scratchhead:. It's a tough one today . Any words of wisdom are welcome. Thanks


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It makes sense to mourn and grieve what you _believed_, you had, what you hoped for.

The reality is that given the depth and degree of his avoidance, and how he chose to leave, he did you a favor. There is better out there. Based upon the way you are dealing with this adversity, there is little doubt in my mind that you will find it - or it will find you.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I agree with you Deejo. PS: Don't rub it in... Just kidding. It's my reality and I have to face it. As hard as that's gonna be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whooooa! You handled seeing him like a total pro!!!! My hat is off to you completely! You didn't cry or beg or plead with him to stay, cry, nada. He is without a doubt going to be thinking about how you didn't fall to pieces and didn't grovel for him. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

not recognizable said:


> Hi Jellybeans,
> 
> Kind of funny--she dumped him.


Love this!



not recognizable said:


> Sooo predictable, he called me wanting to get back together. Not!


:rofl:



not recognizable said:


> Yes of course, you will have down days. but you didn't let him see it.


Never let them see.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Yeaaaaa... you guys are awesome. Keep giving me encouragement when I feel down. I saw some friends this weekend who had me questioning the sanctity of marriage (sorry for my spelling) and yet I still believe that one day, I will find love again.

It's still tough especially those lonely nights. But what I am finding great joy in, is spreading my body like an eagle all night over the bed and loving it. I'm like "this is all mine now.... ha, ha, ha."

I'm hoping that my strength is truly strength and not just a facade that Im putting up. I have been drinking wine a little more than usual but not to any extreme of intoxication. I hope that I can keep moving forward without feeling like I'm hiding my real emotions from myself.I almost feel wierd that I am getting clarity in my mind so quickly from this situation.

I did a suggestion today (the 180 approach) that someone recommended about the candle and letter.It was a way to try and let go of any harboring bad emotions. We will see how that goes, but I enjoyed doing it and my letter under my candle is all about positivity for me, not meant for anyone else to read by the way. 

I did my nails today and took a great friend out to dinner:smthumbup:. It was a fullfilling weekend to say the least. I even went to church today by myself and I was surrounded front and back by a young family with a baby. It brought tears to my eyes, but I kept composed. I guess everything happens for a reason, because by the end, I was smiling and looking at those beautiful children and thinking positive thoughts. 

Thanks for listening!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Heartbroken, brilliant, no other word for how you have been going!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Ok, so new dynamic to take into play when the In-laws started reaching out. So considering I have had only had one physical and verbal contact with thier son, this is odd. 
We/us (as a family) have been very close over the last nine years, however with that being said, his family is super quiet and close nit. 
When this happened (3/24/11,) I didn't reach out to Mom or Dad on his side because it wasn't my place. I felt he should tell them where we stood. With that being said, his mom and I had a really good relationship, (shopping, dinner, family outings solo (without him) and no pressure ever, we were/are close. BUT... when this happened, I felt no need to call her because I felt her loyalty was with him, not me. 
Ok, Fast forward a week. She called me and talked "small talk" then said she knew what was going on, but know's that I know "she doesn't get involved." As disheartening as this was to hear, I knew she was being honest because I know that's her personality. So I never said my feelings to her about her son as mcuh as I really wanted to.
(So I saw him finally, a few days later, see in my thread, how exciting that was :rofl: and then back to life I go.)
The following day, his Dad calls me, and says he hopes I don't look at him and his wife as bad people and hopes we can keep connection. As much as I wanted to put his son down, I kept it real and just said, "I know and I'm sad how this went". We talked for a few more and that was it. Nothing ever bad about his son, again.
Fast forward to today, and again I get a call from his Mom. She said she wanted me to know that she thinks of me everyday and that's it. Asked me where I was and how's everything. I kept it casual and never brought up her son. 
PS. the conversation ended Great for me, because I was like "Oh **** They Care" and that meant alot to me, even though I didn't express that to them. 
I really felt isolated the days after he left and now that they are reaching out and not him, it still means something to me. 
I have only spoken and seen my H the day I mentioned on this thread. He texted again about business today, but his text needed no responce, it was more informative if anything. 
OK, so here's my question, Have you all maintained contact with the in-laws or is that inevidably gonna be gone too?

PSS: I think hearing from them is difficult because I'd love for them to tell thier son how wrong he was for what he did to me and yet I know that's not my place to do. I just wish I had it in me to do it in a way that made them know how upset I was without making them feel in the middle. I guess that's not possible though. Maybe you parent's out ther could help me with this one. How would you want to be approached if your son did this to someone? Private or approached considering the info I gave you about our relationship?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Good to see the inlaws are not sticking their noses in and causing more problems, extremely well done to you for the way you are handling all the issues :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: in-laws, I think that is great they are reaching out to you. It is nice.
Mine, I never spoke to again. They loved me to pieces and I always wanted to explain to them the divorce wasn't my choice but felt their loyalty woud be with him. He made several comments to me post-separation about how his mother told him marriages are hard and that we should get back together but he told her, 'blah blah blah.' I always felt she thought he was making a mistake but it doesn't matter anymore. They were very kind people and hopefully my replacement will be a better fit for him. LOL


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Iam in a similar situation with my ilp. They have really become my parents they love me accept me and support me, and my fil is the father I never had and I have always felt like the son he never had. However I am sure when I get the phone records I am going to discover there is more to the D then what W has told me I am sureit is going to show lots of talks and texts to OM I don't want to losemy marriage first of all even though she is willing to throw it away but if it must go down I don't want to lose my new extended family, yet the only male I respect and more importantly that I look up to is her father so he is who I want to talk about everything with. Not to drag him in the middle but because I need my dad and he has been more of a dad to me then my real dad.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Hello, Im having one those "down" days. Spoke with my parents yesterday, one through skype, the other by phone. All the emotions came to the surface. Looked through a box of old pics before I went to bed... Bad Idea! Reluctantly put a pile together of pics he might want. WHY,why do we torture ourselves like this? Im looking for some motivational words of encouragement. Today makes two weeks, maybe that's why I feel this way :0( Arghhhhh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I plan on holding on to whatever pictures I can not to torment myself but as a reminder of the good times. also for my kids to see their mom and dad young etc. I am hoping she will want some of the pics preferably my favourite one which is just me and her at a ball. She doesn't want it though I will gladly take it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are having a "down" day. I was myself, too.
Try to focus your energy on something positive when it happens. Call a friend, listen to music, watch a funny show.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Today was a better day. Dressed for success! Went to work, then went to look into realters. I even went to one he suggested so he doesn't think I'm trying to hold things up. Only contact that we have had this week is once by text, him letting me know he left realter info in my mailbox. I responded (reluctantly) with an "Ok, and "I too am looking into various companies."
Nothing within me wants me to make him think I want to drag this out. However, deep inside, I'm not trying to "rush" anything on his behalf (with this sale) because as long as I stay here, "It's my house!" and knowing he's going to pay half of everything even though he's not living here ... just makes me a little happy.
Cruel yes, reality of my feelings at the present day... Honest. Thanks again for all the feedback


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> Nothing within me wants me to make him think I want to drag this out. However


Once again, you are handling this like a pro. Someone give this woman an award, quick!  

Seriously, I am very proud of you (and I don't even know you) LOL. 

Keep on with the keep on. "Dressing for success" really can do wonders for your self-esteem, right? When I went to court last Monday to finalize the divorce, I looked great and it made me FEEL great 

::Highfives::


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## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

Sorry to hear your pain..i can relate..having a hard time coping myself..frustrated


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

It's so tough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sooo don't know how you women with children do it. OMG, I just can't even imagine it. Please give me your strength. I just feel weak some days with emotion. I feel like I'm pushing a buttton in hole thart is never gonna fit. I don't want his love back???? Does that make sense, I just want acknoledgement (sp) and respect. Sry, I'm tearing up as I write this... It just sucks... No matter how strong I have been with myself, friends, family ... it just is AWEFULLLLLLL, not hearing it from H. I'm so just in aweee about the human spirit. I'm a grad student and yet as I write this, my face cringes at the reality of my situation. WoW!


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> It's so tough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sooo don't know how you women with children do it. OMG, I just can't even imagine it. Please give me your strength. I just feel weak some days with emotion. I feel like I'm pushing a buttton in hole thart is never gonna fit. I don't want his love back???? Does that make sense, I just want acknoledgement (sp) and respect. Sry, I'm tearing up as I write this... It just sucks... No matter how strong I have been with myself, friends, family ... it just is AWEFULLLLLLL, not hearing it from H. I'm so just in aweee about the human spirit. I'm a grad student and yet as I write this, my face cringes at the reality of my situation. WoW!


 Hey what about us men with children who are going through a divorce. There are some good guys out here you know that want to take care of their children.  Be over my dead body that shes get my kids she will have to rip them from my cold dead hands.

Don't let him keep controlling you though. He moved on. You are worth something despite how he made you feel. Start doing activities that empower you. I can't really suggest any as I don't know you. Lots of people take solace in the gym though both male and female. Don't do it for him do it to take your life back. And its ok to be down every now and then. Once youlove someone you can never take it back. That is a myth and a lie. So when you hurt think about some of the good times you had with him then think about why he left you and how far youhave come since then. Call it Karma, call it gods will, call it fate or just call it the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. What you are going through is a negative action caused by him so somewhere out there is a positive reaction for you.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you so much by your kind words nice guy. By no means do I mean to disregard the men on here who are going through the same trama and pain. I guess it's just easier thinking "it's the women who get's the bad end of the stick"... I'm sorry for your loss and I take your words, along with others to heart. Gain strength in those around us, "do U", and keep living. There's no other satisfaction then knowing... "the greatest revenge is success" Thank you again


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> Hey what about us men with children who are going through a divorce.


And don't forget us men who have had their lives screwed up completely and don't have access to their kids who are on the road to divorce.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heart, I hope you're ok today. Sending you a big 'ol hug


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Tks, Jelly and all of your kind thoughts...

Just got off Skype with a good friend. As strong as I thought I was being these last 3 weeks, I'm starting to fall weak. With no real reason except knowing maybe that this is my reality for the short term furture. 

I went to my therapist tonight and she and I wrote up a list of the positives and negatives of confronting H when he does come around again. 

What I found is that I'm sooooooo Angry  and had to finally admit that to myself in session tonight. I don't want to be weak when he is around, but I feel so disgusted by the thought that I have to deal with him time and time again before this is all over. Holding my tounge is going to be so tuff. 

I wish I could just scratch this whole chapter in my life and start fresh!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, if it's any consolation, you have not come across as weak with any of your interactions w/ him thus far, from what you have posted.

It's ok to feel what you are feeling, sad, angry, etc. The emotions one goes through during a separation and divorce are nothing less than a roller coaster and well the range is total insanity. Its a wonder any of us get through. We are much stronger than we think 

Have you seen a lawyer yet? 

You will get through this chapter of your life, it takes time. You know your headline said "My life as I know it's over..." And that's true...but you NEW life is just starting.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I have not lawered up yet. Mr. Coward and I have only seen eachother once since this all went down 3 weeks ago. He doesn't call me at all nor do I contact him. We haven't talked about Divorce and the obvious, the seperation.
All he wants to do is discuss realty companies through text. I'm playing a chess game and waiting for his move. Some have told me it's better if he files. I don't know what to do. :scratchhead:
I might consult with a cousin who is an atty to see if she has any advice. I'm really stuck in limbo and "just doing me" right now. Working out daily, eating healthy, thinking good thoughts (this one is the hardest.) Trying not to think about him.:smthumbup:
I know he opened a FB account three days ago and has over 50 friends already. Some of which are clearly women I don't know. Only reason I know is cause he came up as a suggested friend. The punk even put up a pic of himself when we were in Mexico in February as his profile pic.
As if, he couldn't get his own pic from his Iphone.:rofl: The Jerk. I have no words. He has not accepted any of his 10 plus family members who are friends with me on FB. None of them know through me what's happening and I'm sure not through him either. The three mutual friends we do have are just mutual friends. The dude's true colors are playing out on all angles. Oyyy Veyyy


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am so sorry and that is so spineless...

If he has not initiated divorce, if I were you, I would, right away. Be petitioner, not respondent. I would get that lawyer ready and get it moving.

If he has filed then I would just move it along fast and easy as he will let it. 
I live in a no fault state, but if you are in another state a PI might be a good idea  

With no kids yet, you will bounce right on with your life, much better off by the sound of it.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Went to Palm Sunday service alone, ;o( 

I went to a realter after service and just prayed GOD would give me the motivation for the next move.

The realter seems great and has all my wants and needs in mind. He wants to meet with H. ( Yes I know this is a "catch '22'' and the realter has something to gain IN THE END.)

In any event, I had a good day... Texted H on my end to let him about the realter info to finalize appt with and make moves to move on wit the sale. ... 

H responded...Ok, maybe tomorrow..."If I don't go to paintball"

PS: This is the first Text I have initiateed (sp) since this began. Felt somewhat bothersome by H response... ( I'm now reaching out to "GET THIS OVER WITH") and paintball is more important... again speaks to the finality of it all. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm Super Sad and Scared of the next move, but know it has to be done. 

I want him to come through again on "MY TERMS"... therefore I don't want a pop up " are u home" ...

I need to be pysically and mentally able for the next face to face,,,Tooooo Muchhhhh, Whhhhy do I care????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's acting like an idiot. 
Paintball over the house stuff? Again, La-La Land. Don't sweat it though. Keep it together and you'll be fine. Good for you for meeting with therealtor. I tend to agree that ti's better to be the petitioner than the respondent if you are ready for it.
My ex also did the same: got on FB soon as we separated and had tons of women friends on there. It's like they're re-living high school or something.

Have you told your family or friends about the separation yet? Where do you plan to move if the house sells?


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Yes most of my close family and friends know. They are sad too and don't get it. They are there for me 100%. My cousin is coming to stay with me this week for two days. I'm very excited about that. The whole weeks already planned. 
I do have an option of living in an empty apt owned by my grandparents. I will choose to go there before I decide on what to purchase next after the sell is finalized.
Mr. Coward has no clue on how long this selling process can drag out (4 - 6 mths or longer) and he's the idiot not taking care of this ASAP. He's paying bills on a place he's not even living in. Too bad for him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, indeed. Too bad for him. This is his choice so he will have to live w/ the consequences.

Hell yes to apt owned by the grandparents. Is it close to whereyou are now? 

It is so great you have family and friends supporting you through this. What big plans do you have for your cousin's stay?


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

The apt is on the same block that I am on now. Very close and Dad also lives in the same building. Much needed support there. 

My cousin is younger (21) and wants to go to a club or lounge. 
I told her I'd take her because she doesn't come into the city often. She's a country girl. I'm looking forward to it. I just went on a shopping spree because I've lost 10lbs since all this began so I'm looking forward to wearing one of the new outfits.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Sounds like you're all prepped to have a great time!! I'm excited for you =)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Omg that is awesome... you could not make dinner and have an instant plaec to go to (dad's) or have him come over--instant house guest. Fun times.

Kudos on losing weight.  Now treat yourself to fabulous shoes for your night out.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

He just called. He's coming over later. Please give me some words of encouragement. Should I hit him below the belt or keep it cool. I'm so nervous. Should I dress up or just look house casual? I'm so nervous. Helpppppppp:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The THREE C's:

COOL
CALM
CONFIDENT

Oh and totally unemotional. 

NO hitting below the belt. When you see him, you talk to him like you do a co-worker... in a cordial manner but ALL business. 
DO NOT discuss anything about your private life, what you've been up to, if you're seeing someone, how you are dying inside. NO way. He lost the right to your privacy when he walked.

If he presses, you can say something like "It's been tough but I am getting through it" and then change hte subject to talk abou the realtor, etc. 

You have handled this tremendously well thus far so I have no doubt you will again. 
Be light. Be happy. Be AWESOME, which I know you are


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I did it!!! Full of strength and confidence and thinking of the three C's the whole time. I didn't waiver once. I put on a nice sweatsuit and it was all tight, showing all the goods. 
I looked good and felt confident. Put makeup on and my hair was nice. I noticed he looked away most of the meeting. He didn't look at my face often. I stood and walked around a few times to make him look at me. 
I know he noticed my confidence and strength. I talked with full confidence about the information I got and provided him with it all. 
I told him we should get this started as soon as possible because he wants to move on and so do I. Didn't bring up the seperation or divorce once??? I asked him to clean up certain areas of his clutter and he said he would come over when I was at work.
I feel completely powerful in my ability to do this without making underhanded comments or remarks. :smthumbup: YES, it was a good day!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha. You are seriously knocking this out of the park. I feel like a proud mentor! Good for you!



Heartbroken007 said:


> I did it!!! Full of strength and confidence and thinking of the three C's the whole time. I didn't waiver once. *I put on a nice sweatsuit and it was all tight, showing all the goods. *


No doubt he was thinkin' about it. Oh and I'm actually not surprised he couldn't look at you. That is usually how a person reacts when they know they have messed up/are in the wrong.

Too bad so sad for him! You just keep looking hot in your sweats


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

You should feel like a pround mentor because that's what you are  I couldn't have done it without all the support. This is like free therapy. It's awesome.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

The last two days were nice and well needed with my cuz from out of town. I even gave her a card today to thank her for coming into town and said it was the best medicine a doc could order. 

However, my situation all came to light when I felt the obligation to tell her what was happening with me. She was so sad and was shocked. She couldn't believe it and said something to the affect of "You were the perfect couple" What happened??? Without getting into too much detail, I told her. 

It hurt yes when she said this, but I had to stay strong in my will that this was the right thing to do, tell her and not lie why she doesn't see him in the house in the days to come. 

The hardest part I've realized is when people ask "How are you doing?" .... My overall feeling on this is ... "Don't ask me", and I can act like the strongest lion in the jungle ( I'm a Leo) but when they ask, I feel like so sad, don't want to explain my feelings to anyone 

My cuz and I have taken sooooo many great pics the last two days. She went back today and I can't wait to the day I post them on FB. I'm not ready to do it now.

I did post a pic of my new hairstyle yesterday and I got over 30 "Likes" which is soooo weird, but maybe people see I haven't been on in so long that they saw a difference in my overall appearence. 

Whatever it is, I need to keep strong. The family is starting to reach out and I'm worried the word is getting around.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Wow, trying moment right now. little bit of everything happening. he's gonna call in the next 30 min. so strong and so weak after a couple of wine glasses. Ahhhhhhh


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Heartbroken007 said:


> Wow, trying moment right now. little bit of everything happening. he's gonna call in the next 30 min. so strong and so weak after a couple of wine glasses. Ahhhhhhh


Tell us....what happened ????

Impatiently waiting !!!!!!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

(Sorry so long, but I felt all who have given so much support deserved a nice clear update)
Wow, Wow, and Wow, I write this in disbelief and alot of wondering. Wondering how you are all going to take my recent actions...
If you have been following my story, you know I've taken my good days and bad days and made it work for me, as best as possible. Thursday was four weeks to the day H walked out. 
I went out Friday with a girlfriend and enjoyed another night out and experienced what would soon become my norm "hanging with the girls." 
Saturday came and I knew H was meeting with the potential realter I suggested. He called me to tell me he liked the guy and we should sign. I asked him to keep his schedule open to meet Monday to sign the listing with the realter. 
Later that day I got a text from H, "Maybe you want to have the realter come over to get a better sense of price value before we list." When he texted this it hit me like a ton of bricks... "Oh my god, I"m signing over my place and the realter hasn't even seen it." There was so much still to do in the house before a realter could list it. Clean cluttered closets, tidy rooms, clean windows. I started thinking and decided to text H and ask him if he had a moment to talk because we should meet before we sign anything. 
He agreed and came over after his shift. I was prepared with all the stuff I wanted to go over with him. It was late Saturday night, but I was happy he came as I would be busy all day Sunday (easter) and Monday before we met the realter. 
Sooooo, he comes after his shift and we talked. Talked about realter stuff for a good hour then I'm not exactly sure how it started, but we started talking about the relationship.
I remember feeling very secure about my stanse and talking in relation to our marriage in the past tense and moving forward. Told him I talked to a family member who is atty about mediation or divorce and all that is our potential future.
We talked about our familys a little and other things. I remember him tearing up throughout but I didn't waiver (yet). He said, he agreed things still needed to be done with the house before we sell and would be in agreement with holding things off for awhile. 
He also said he wasn't 100% about the fact that he wants a divorce and would consider other things (if I agreed) to see if there was any hope. Unlike before ( we had an earlier 1 week seperation about 6 months ago,) he said he would be willing to see a counselor, talk to our family together to get advice or just see what time did for us. 
He said he has been miserable and admitted to being a "coward" for walking away the way he did. I just listened, didn't give him any kudos for saying what he was. I must admit, it was soo good to hear. He talked about our memories and time spent and said, it's not easy to let go. I told him I couldn't acknowledge what he was saying as "real" because of the pain he left me with.
As he was leaving, he asked how I was spending Easter and I told him. He said he wish he could be there with me, but knows he can't. He asked if he could give me a hug. I let him. It was so tight, I started crying and so did he. When I walked him to the door, I (Me, Yes the person has been doing this 180, like a champion!!!) asked if he'd like to stay the night just for the companionship (no sex, nada.)
(PS: I did ask throughout our earlier conversation, if he had another women or has slept, kissed or anything else over the last four weeks and he said "No") 
He walked me over to the couch and asked me if I thought that this was the best decision (asking him to stay the night) for myself, and I said, I don't know but I would be ok with him staying. We went to bed, and in the end the inevitable happened (I must admit, my initiation completely.) 
I know, I know all of you are probably like "Damn", but I didn't feel that guilty about it when I woke up.I got up, went to church while he slept and went to be with my family for Easter. 
I looked pretty and he asked to see my dress when I was leaving. Called me by my cuddle name as he was still sleeping and said "I looked real pretty". I said bye (without kissing him) he said, "I love you." I didn't return it.
As I was at my families house, he texted me "You might want to speak to one of your relatives that you trust about what just happened with us because I spoke with my mom, and it felt really good to get her suggestions and support". I texted him back "No I'm not ready to do that, I'm not even sure how I'm processing all this."
We had agreed the night before that he would come back and talk to me about what had happened when I returned from Easter dinner. He came on cue when I told him that I had returned. When he arrived he told me about his day and asked me how I felt about what happened the night before. I just simply told him, "We are both adults and no matter how this plays out, sometimes we have to get our "needs" fullfilled." I meant that. 
I still had so much inside, but he asked me if it would be ok if he told the realter that we were considering reconciliation as the reason we are not meeting with him. I asked him not to give that much info, but he felt strongly that he wanted to be honest. 
When he came over yesterday, we talked about MC, how he would deal with my family and the hurt they feel with what he's done, and about what he wrote in the letter. He said "It was going to be "real hard" confronting them, but he would probably do it individually if it came to that. 
It was a decent conversation, no tears just alot of solemn sadness about how this has all gone down. I didn't give him much in return. I listened mostly. 
However, we began to playfully talk about the night before and again, I let my needs take over. Again, not really feeling guilty about that. This time he left after.
We agreed that if any reconciliation was even possible it would have to be a super slow road. Build the foundation again, date, him still live apart from me and decide if he really believes marriage is what he wants (my request, not his.) 
He asked me "where do we go from here?" and I just told him that I'm ready and willing to move on from us. I feel the "cracks need to be filled and if not willing on his end and mine, move on. Told him he needs to remember the responsibility of what a husband is before I considered anything. Told him we need to take this time without much contact.
He asked me to go to dinner on his next day off (next Tuesday) and I told him "We'll see."
He contacted me today and told me the realter understood and actually gave him advice on marriage. My H said he really liked the guy and felt a good vibe from the guy (PS. He always says this about genuinly nice people.") He said the realter said that marriage is hard work and he felt that in his first marriage that he was a better father than husband (the realter said this to him as we dont have kids.)He also said the realter said that marriage is something to be proud of and you have to work at it.
I was thankful the realter told him anything but it was nice to hear that he is getting "positive" feedback" from people instead of the one's he was surrounding himself at the time of seperation. Believe you me, I will remind him of this. 
I think I'm still standing strong regardless of what I did. 
What's your feedback?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What you are doing is working.  

You see? When you detach and let them know you AGREE with them, it throws them completely for a LOOP!

WOO HOO! 

I think if you go to dinner with him, you tell him what YOU need from him to make htis work. Dont' make it easy for him. 

It sounds like he's realizing he made a hasty decision and you're not being there for him all the time has contributed to this.

Aw yeah! LOL. 

KEEP UP THE HARD ASS ATTITUDE! It's working! Even if reconciliation is not in the cards down the road, he is having a change of heart right now and you are looking more and more like the mature one here.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks Jellybean,

I'm actually surprised by your feedback. I feel like maybe I just undid all that I did. Glad to hear you don't think so. 

It's so scary thinking I could give him another chance after saying over and over again to my friends and family that I wouldn't/couldn't. 

I hope I continue to be strong.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

He just called, asked me about "date night". Im causously optimistic, one step back, one step back, one step back is what I think in my head often these days ... 

or is this a new beginning? 

So much hurt in such a short time ago and I don't want to forget that. 

Met with my IC today. She said she would like to see us both (since he is considering MC.) (?) Is that ethically correct? To start seeing someone alone (me), then hear all the stuff that brought me to her and then see the two together???

I don't know.:scratchhead: Any feedback on that would be helpful.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so happy for you. Their has been credible research that couples who have marriage supportive family and friends stay together more than those with marriage hostile friends. Hostility towards the marriage from friends makes the person focus on the challenges in the relationship and not solutions. If he is willing to completely drop single friends who encourage him to drop the relationship.

I wanted to mention one very important thing that not arguing is a bad sign! What happened to you is classic. I read tgat couples who dont argue, - One person walks out suddenly and the other person is caught completely by surprise. The reason seem to be that one or the other is hiding dissatisfaction, unhappiness or anger. They feel they can't talk to their spouse so they pretend to be happy. 

And they suddenly can't do it anymore and leave. The first thing that you must do is to find out why your husband an not express his anger and frustration on a regular basis. Actually couples who argue fairly stay together. Arguing is not bad it allows you to express strong emotions and dissipates the anger that is natural. Also you learn to compromise. It sounds like yuor husband was dissatisfied and could not express. 

When you said he did nit want children and you were surprised that is classic. What ever you guys are doing to avoid conflict stop it. Don't inhit him from expressing opposition to you, accept it as the natural course of any relationship. 

Let him know you now realize he was unhappy because he felt he could express his unhappiness with you and that you are more interested in compromising so that your are both happy than in being right and getting your own way. Look at your self and recognize your role and work hard to fix it. Not accusing you but it struck me when you said you don't argue big red flag. If you cut off conflict your relationship is doomed so, fix it. 

I read that couples who don' t argue, on person leaves 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Heartbroken, just caught up with your thread. Has he said yet, why he conducted himself in such a cowardly manner?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heart--if you're not comfortable discussing things over with your own IC, you could get a different therapist for your MC. I would caution you to find one who is MARRIED (lol) because that does make a difference.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

My H said regarding his actions that yes he was being a coward because he felt stuck and thought we were avoiding eachother on purpose so he felt it needed to be done that abrutely. It doesn't take away from the fact that due to the lack of communication the days leading up to his departure, he used that to his advantage. I will not let him forget that. There's still so much more to be discussed. The foundation has soooo many cracks, I'm not sure if they can ever be filled. 


Hey Jellybeans, 
I know the IC I see is not married. It worries me that she looked at me a little crooked when I told her we wouldn't be coming to her and I told her my reasons why (She has been seeing me and knows why I'm so hurt, has made pre-judgements even if she says she is impartial) I'm still gonna think it through. She says it's hard to find a MC under our coverage, but that she bills it different ( as Family Therapy) so that's another reason she gave me for her to see us both. I know it can't be for the measly extra $15 co-pay she would be getting from seeing 2 and not 1. I think she spent most of "my" session trying to convince me why she is a good couples therapist, almost as if I was interviewing her. It was wierd.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> He just called, asked me about "date night". Im causously optimistic, one step back, one step back, one step back is what I think in my head often these days ...
> 
> or is this a new beginning?


Did you go on a date night?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Wow, reading your initial post was like reading my story. I too received a letter when I got home only to see he had take his stuff and sd's and moved ou ;o( He is a coward and most likely has always been, I just had not had the opportunity to see. I am so glad things are at a turn for you and your husband. I will pray that what is best for you both will come to fruition. Have some fun and find the romance again.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Date night is scheduled for tomorrow. I have been keeping my distance, no calls or text since last weekends events. On Saturday I was home writing a ten page paper and stressed. I got a delivery of a huge basket of flowers. Just for a sec I thought it could be from H. Then I read the card and it was from my grandparents as a nelated Easter gift. He called me later that day and asked if he could stop by to pick up something. I said ok. I ran and put on a cute little outfit that I wear around the house. When he arrived he saw the arrangement of flowers. It overjoyed me that even if it was just for a second that he might have thought it was from a man. In any event I told him the truth. He said that he missed me and didn't want to wait until Tuesday to see me. I didn't return the gesture. I sat on the arm of the couch as to position myself in a way to let him know "ok, your here now what" He realized I was busy with my paper and said ok, I guess I should go. He asked if I wanted him to join me to go to a christening the following day and I said no. He told me I looked cute in my little outfit in a text later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heart--my IC refused to see me and my now-ex as a couple when I told her he was finally receptive to marriage counselling. 

She recommended that we find a married therapist to help us and she didn't think it was ethical for her to see us both (as that would make up 1 client) when she was already seeing me individually.

Get on your insurance's website and look for different counselors in your area.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I will look into a different MC. I don't feel right she knows all my stuff about him and would still agree to see him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did the date go???


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

The date went well. I stood my ground. Felt real confident in what I wore. I walked out when he met me outside and he said, "hey there pretty lady". I said thanks. 
We went to a restaurant we've been to before and we sat at the bar for drinks b4 dinner. My cell kept getting text msgs which I know was irritating him, but he didn't show it. I eventually turned the phone off. We spoke at the bar of the reality of why we was there. How awkward it was and how we should talk about the realness of what is happening. 
I should have, but didn't hold back too much. I told him not to waste my time and tell me what he wanted. He said he wants to reconcile just as he told me last time and would be willing to do whatever it took, counseling, going back to church with me, whatever. I didn't give him much in return. 
We had dinner, talked some more and he came home with me. We talked more at home and I put my needs on the table. Told him this can't be about him anymore and I need more than what he gave me before in a lot of ways. He agreed that if this was gonna happen, it has to be solid. 
We talked about doing a mini ceremony between him and I to put our wedding bands back on our fingers and saying our vows again to eachother. I nor him are wearing our rings right now. 
Thats where I'm at. Still super anxiety ridden with my choices, but I have to take it one day at a time and hope for the best with the choices I make.
We still living apart. My choice not his. He wants to move back in and I dont' think I should make it that easy.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Heartbroken, I just caught up with your story, and I am truly happy for you. Providing you are happy and this is what you want. 

My wife left me about 2 months ago, nutshell version (since I've already written about this in another thread) came back from business trip, and she dropped the bomb on me. 

Been trying to sort my life ever since. 

What drew my attention with your story is that she told me the day she left me was that if she did not leave me, that she would end up cheating on me.... (similar to what you mentioned in your story) 

She has been living at her cousins for the past 2 months now, and has kept contact with me at a bare minimum. (she mainly contacts me to come over to get her personal affects, via text mail, or email or even our friends and family).

This weekend, she is officially moving out... picking up her furniture and rest of her personal affects. 

I have been dreaming/visualizing the day (if it every comes) that she asks to reconcile... and even in this ficticious world I have imagined, I do not know what to say to her... 

You are doing the right thing my dear, take your time. He has to earn his place back with you, if that is in fact what you want...

Keep us posted.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Heart, I'm glad everything went okay.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good I am glad to hear he wants to work it out.

Did he say why he left???


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Where's the LIKE button ????

I'm soooooooooo happy for you that this is turning out positive !!!!!!!

I keep following your thread because we have this special connection....and I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuper excited for you !!!!!!!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Sad to say but all the "greatness" of my story isn't so great. He did make me feel like we were going the long haul, but his actions have said much to differ.

We had a great few days there. He came bck home, moved his stuff back, but I saw the emotional distance again right away. He did try (whatever that means.)

Tonight, I confronted him about feeling like we needed to talk and he put his head in a "seargents exam book" rather than talking.

He said he thought I'd had enough wine and we should talk in the morning. I didn't like the way he wen't about it so I confronted him and required him to talk. He didn't like that and became defensive.

I told him I'm ready to move on and and he was just holding me back on that decision. He said, "It sounds like you have everythig you need to say" and picked up his literature and was ready retreat once again to his brother's across the street. I asked him if he felt that that was the best decision he could make and he said "yes."

I asked if he felt talking to the marriage counselor that we had scheduled (for the first time) would make a difference and he said "NO" it seems u made up your mind and after a few more choice words on my end, he again left to his brother's across the street.

Sad to say but I think I let him back too soon. And yet I feel like it was what was meant to be. I think I truly saw a man who really wasn't willing to try and maybe that's what I needed to see before it got too complicated.

I'm sad, but I know that GOD has my intentions in mind and made this happen for a reason. I can't wan't something that is not meant to be.

I don't know how I will wake up tomorrow or what feelings I will have, but I think deep inside I knew this was over a long time ago.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Be strong, Heart. Keep your head up. You can and will get through this. Your life is just starting.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Oh Heart, I'm sorry. You sound like you're in a good place though, as far as moving on.


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I failed miserably at keeping to the 180 rule. When he left after my comments Friday night, I wrote the following email and sent it... After I slept on it and woke up refreshed yesterday morning, I hated the fact that I sent it. I reached out to his mom and we spoke for like an hour. She said she is going to encourage him to go see the MC at least once. 

He stopped in to get some things yesterday and I broke down. I put all my cards on the table. He said he couldn't understand me because I was saying something completely different than what I wrote in the email and what I said the night before. I told him that I wasn't in my right state of mind when I sent the email and talked last night. He seemed distant and didn't sound like he wants to try anymore. He said marriage shouldn't have to be hard work. He said he thinks our marriage is like a cracked egg that can't be fixed. I asked him to try one session with the MC and he said he would get back to me and let me know. 

How bad did I mess up? Read the email and tell me what you think. Thanks for all the feedback.
____________________________________________________
Dear ...,
If you think even 1 inch of me is ok with the way this has ended.... your wrong! With everything in me I cannot understand how two people who were in a committed relationship for four years, married almost five years can be where we are and I'm not ok with it on so many levels.

Was it communication(?), your job (?), my job(?), hours(?), money(?)), WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?... With that being said... I take 1/2 responsibility for that, and our lack of effort throughout and it takes two to tango ;o)!

Do I wish it ended different, YES! 

BUT, I'm ok with how this has to go down. I know I'm going to find love again and so are u. I'm ready and prepared to move on! You hurt me very much with "the letter" and maybe this was my "second ending" as you said last night maybe that was also your need to end it differently too... (if I heard u correctly.) 

As a women, who would ever want to tell a man, "yeah, um, my ex-husband left me with a letter." ... Clearly, I know I'm worth more than that regardless of how u did it, but it still sucks/hurt...

In any event, I realize we have to part.

I still love you very much ----. The love I have for you is deeper than who you are now, and is someone I may never see again. I've come to realize that the person who left this relationship is someone who left long before you left that horrible letter and for that I've come to not cry as I tpye this. I'm looking forward!

What I can say is that I hope you realize that with the "Good", "Bad" and "Ugly" that we had in our marriage/relationship that you realize that that is a part life. 

I was willing to deal with it ALL/EVERYTHING for you. Dealing with the "Good", "Bad." "Ugly" was my role, my job as a wife. Long nights and making excuses for u when you when u weren't at parties/gatherings... that was me making "us" look good for whatever that worth.

There's going to be a lot still out there that you have to deal with and compromise with and I hope you find a way to deal with it better than you delt with "us."

A relationship is hard work! I've seen so many different examples of "the right" and "wrong way" deal with relationships. For the sake of love, you never know, so tread carefully and always think of the other person before hurting them. 

You will always hold a special place in my heart as my ex-husband, and I will never speak bad of you. I wish you no ill will and wish you the best. You come from good family/morals and that's what I fell in love with and always know that, please don't let any situation or experience ever change that. I know your strong willed and you won't do that, at least I hope. Good luck with your studies.

Goodbye


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

The email sounded good to me, strong yet intimate. Now that I have ready your post...I got left with a letter too ;o) and a mountain of other responsibility that wasn't mine. We will make it through this scenario and life will take us foward. I am praying for the best for you and you pray for me ;o)


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you hesnothappy. I will pray for you. It's so nice to know there are wonderful on these boards who will take the time out to offer advice. That means a great deal to me. How did your H leave you?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Oh he was nice. He watched me get dressed for work, then hugged me goodbye tight like he had not done in months, the the low life POS left while I was at work. Yep my Mr. Wonderful left with three months owing on a lease and no money to pay for his share. If he doesn't give me my money in July...I will be suing him big time for breach of contract ;o) I have a post with more details, Bliss don't last always.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think your letter to him was fine, Heart. You sound dignified in it. Sorry to hear it ended this way but like you said in the letter, you will move on and find love again. 

He was not the one for you.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I might be alone with this, but I think you kinda rushed everything a bit....

You said you've had a few great days and then you saw the emotional distance again....and that he was also studying in a Sergeants Exam book......

Maybe he was just really busy and absentminded not necessarily meaning he didn't really want to try with you.....

And when you try to press an answer from him he got defensive.....

My ex-h is like this and sometimes the emotional distance I think is geared towards me has really NOTHING to do with me....

His brother even once had to tell me to back off because I just would keep going "What's wrong, what did I do, tell me now......"

It turned out his mother was really sick and he just tried to deal with it the way he always deals with it, by retreating...

Maybe your husband was really just busy with the exam....

To be honest.....reconciliation takes time.....I've read so much about it now and I learned that a marriage isn't back to normal after a couple of good days.....

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think you rushed it a bit too much......


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I do agree Rome that I pressed a situation that shouldn't have been pressed at that time in that moment. However, I think that deep inside, I was feeling if I didn't get the emotional connection in our first few encounters/days, that in my eyes, he wasn't trying. 
In any event, my confusion did set in the following morning after I pressed him and he wasn't there.When he returned to pick up some stuff, I asked him to reconsider what I said and wrote in the email and please understand that I was just under a lot of pressure. I apologized.
In my eyes if he can't see that I have/had every right to have a weak moment after everything he has put me through and is willing to still "walk" that easily, then in reality "Was he really willing to try and work it out?" or did I give him a "free pass?" 
That's what I've questioned on these days that have followed. I had a rough weekend (super depressed again ,) but today I was much better. Doing what I needed to do, went to school, work, ect... (Got confirmation of all A's for this first year in Grad school .)
I'm wondering and waiting to see if he's going to take me up on the offer to go forward with the first MC appt we have scheduled for this Thursday. We had this scheduled before this argument. I wish I would have waited to "blow up." He said he would let me know if he want's to go.
Haven't heard from him since he picked up items on Sat. This should be interesting. I'll keep you posted, but any continued feedback is welcome.


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

> It's still tough especially those lonely nights. But what I am finding great joy in, is spreading my body like an eagle all night over the bed and loving it. I'm like "this is all mine now.... ha, ha, ha."


Haha! I feel the same!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

H texted today for the first time since he left again last Friday.He asked what time the appt for MC is tomorrow. I texted back the time. He hasn't responded since. 
He doesn't have the location info so he would need to contact me again if he is planning to go. I'm a little upset that the text came after midnight tonight. It was almost like I have had to think all week about ... Is he going to agree to go to MC, is he not???
I don't know how to take this. Why is he going if he wants out? Should I talk in therapy or let the counselor do all the talking? This may be my last opportunity to tell him my thoughts. How do I go about it without looking weak? What should I expect from the counselor, from H on this first session?
Please help guys, I'm really at a loss and have felt emotionally drained all week. 
Tks in advance.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Please be happy that he's at least thinking about going. My husband told me today that he is filing for divorce tomorrow. Id give anything for my husband to say he'll think about working our problems out. But that has come and gone. I miss him already. I can hardly bare it. Hold on as long as you can and appreciate that he loves you enough to try. : ' (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I'm sorry your going through that final step suzy. I can't imagine the pain your going through. I hope he means well by his attempt to think about going, but I think it's fruitless because I think he's done.
It's almost like an ego thing... At least I tried type of thing. 
In any event I'm here for you suzy so if you need to talk msg me anytime. 
Goodnight


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

007.....I REALLY don't think your husband is done....

You've been a bit pushy and he had to think hard if he really want the relationship with you......

I've done the same thing....

When my ex-h told me he loves me and he wants me to stay, that was all that I wanted !!!!!!

But the resentment I built against him in the months prior made me become a bi*ch.....every time I had an opportunity I made snide remarks about other women.....

.....until he had enough and moved into the spare bedroom.....

After realizing what I had done I stopped these accusations and ex-h moved back into the bedroom and things are going well right now.....

I believe it's a good sign that he asked for the counseling time.....if he really was done he wouldn't have to bother with that.....

My suggestion....let the counselor lead the way.....

Stay calm and don't let him make you lose control....

I'm certain your marriage can be saved !!!!!!!!


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Rome, you were so right! Either I'm doing a really good job of describing my situation or you all are just very insightful. Standing in my shoes three days ago, I wouldn't believe where we are at today.

We went to the MC session and it went very well. The couselor made sure we were both "on board" with trying to save our marriage. He said he would see us 1 more time together, 1 time each for IC and once again together. He said by that time we should be able to determine, if we want more counseling or if we feel the marriage is salvagable.

The following day after the session, H called me and asked if I wanted to go away in 3 weeks for a vacation to DR for 7 days. We discussed if that was a good idea considering everything we are going through. I thought it through and told him I'd like to go. He came over immidiately and showed me the resort he found. It was beautiful and I fully agreed to go.

We made a joke that we should probably run this past the therapist before booking, but the sale was so great, we didn't want to pass it up.

H is still living at his brother's at my request. I'm nervous to bring him back into the house. I'm thinking about another two weeks. I like the way it is now. No pressure and I'm processing my feelings of anger.

Crossing my fingers and praying daily that I'm making the right decision for myself. I know others are going to judge me different, but I'm ok with that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear you went to MC and will be going back. I love DR! Its lovely this time of year. Keep up the good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank u Jelly, you have been a big part of my strength throughout all this. I will continue to post as it is my outlit. I hope that those going through all this pain see that this truly is a roller coaster of emotions and only if we choose to make good choices for ourselves can things move on, regardless of the inevidible. Crossing my fingers that my inevidible is not D. Thanks again Jelly and all others for the feedback Your the best!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heartbroken007 said:


> Thank u Jelly, you have been a big part of my strength throughout all this.


Awww. I am glad to hear that  Glad I can be of help as well as everyone on here. We are a good bunch


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

How's it going Heart, any updates?


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