# Just need someone to talk to



## JackiePa (May 5, 2013)

My husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years. We have two small children. He works full time and I stay home with our girls. 

We fell in love fast and hard when we met. He was an amazing person who would do anything for me and our oldest daughter (she came before we were married). Things changed once we got married. He has become increasingly lazy and really needs to grow up. He will ignore the kids and I and play video games or watch cartoons for hours on end. He rarely cooks or cleans but complains when the house is a mess or there's no food on the table. 

He will let the kids make a huge mess and do whatever they want and deal with it later (or not all...hey that's what mommy is for)

He constantly makes excuses why he cannot help out around the house. Like tonight...he has a cast on one of his legs so he has been using the rolling computer chair to get around the house (lol) and I asked him if he could SIT IN FRONT OF THE DISHWASHER AND UNLOAD IT ONTO THE COUNTER. Not that hard, right? He immediately said it was time for him to put his leg up and went and laid on the couch. 

We are in a lot of financial trouble with payday loans and such (almost everything in his name) and I know that is what is causing a lot of the stress right now. It sounds sad but I do not think I am in love with him anymore. He gave me two beautiful daughters so I love him as their father, but I have no sexual attraction to him anymore and have no desire to kiss or hold hands. Sometimes I think about leaving him and letting him deal with his own problems as I am the one to do all of the worrying financially every month. I make the paycheques stretch and budget to try and keep everyone off of our backs every month. 

I am so frustrated and I know I am depressed. I am constantly feeling guilty as I know I sometimes take my frustration or on our kids by being short with them sometimes when they don't deserve it. 

I have no one to talk to. I just really need someone to give me advice. Md maybe someone is feeling the way I feel right now.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sounds like a tough situation, im sorry your here. First understand that you are not alone, and you've come to a source of support. We're not here to judge, just give advice when asked given the information you provide.

So lets get started, your going thru what they called a disconnected stage, not good!!! The more the pressure, problems, the worse it seems. And lets face it, your in a tough spot, a trial separation is always a very tough call to make, especially when kids are involved. Sounds like your husband needs a real wake up call, and what you've been trying isn't working.

Is it possible you can do a trail separation in your own house, him on couch, no "special" priviledeges. Keep the distance, keep it like a business transaction. no emotions. It might wake him up. I'm really hoping that your just going thru a trying/difficult time and that you haven't fallen out of love with him, cause that would be just awful to overcome, considering the 2 kids. But, I cant lie, it happens all the time.

Right now you need to work/focus on you and the kids, and hope he figures it out. I'm not sure how you stand with insurance or money for a possible marriage counselor, but that's a good option to get the issues out in the open. TAM is a great website to come back to time and time again for support, advice, tips, or just to vent when having a bad day. Good luck, and maybe we'll talk again.


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## JackiePa (May 5, 2013)

I guess I should also add that he sees nothing wrong, when I say I'm not happy, he says why not, he is. I get so hurt and frustrated that I say very hurtful things to him and I don't mean some of the things I say but sometimes it just feels good to try and hurt him like he hurts me by never showing appreciation for anything I do. I know that is a screwed up way of thinking but unfortunately things got screwed up somewhere along the way. 

The sex has never been great, he takes care of his needs and that's that. He expects me to be in the mood whenever he is, and he will pout when he doesn't get his way. 

I love my kids so much and don't want them to grow up in this situation. I suggested to my husband that we try counselling. He says we don't need it. I have suggested counselling for myself but I am always putting everyone's needs before my own. I try and talk to my mom about what is going on but she always sides with me no matter what and that is not what I need, and I also do not want her to feel burdened by my failing marriage. His family always sides with him when he talks to them which is very rarely.

I have asked him to leave for awhile and stay with his parents as I really have nowhere else to go with our children. His response is always "this is my house, I pay the rent. You leave."


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## JackiePa (May 5, 2013)

Thanks for your reply Thumper


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, so at this point we know a trial separation within the house is NOT gonna work. I feel bad for you, cause things get a little, ok, a lot tougher now.

First you need to write down on a list what you want from him, what you want from the marriage, and lastly, what are you willing to do for the marriage. You need to agree to a trial separation, apart, with some rules/guidelines. Set a date and stick to it, give him that list you made, and when he finally comes to his senses and understands this is no longer a game, and issues need to be addressed, he WILL come back, but not before. Now for what could be the hard part, he might not come back, or you may even decide you don't want it to work anymore. You will both be going thru a TON of emotions, I recommend 3-4 weeks for the trial separation. Nothing sooner, but possiblely longer. You need to be strong for yourself and the kids, if you want this to improve. Your gonna question yourself at times, but remember this is about your long term health, and that of your kids.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi JackiePA- 

Thumper... you are being very gracious and caring. Sounds like Jackie could use a little TLC!

Jackie... I'm a little more black and white than Thumper. Sometimes when we are struggling to answer a hard question... the answer becomes more apparent when we ask, effectively, the opposite question. 

So.. hard to answer "should I leave him" right?

Is it hard to answer "Why wouldn't I leave him"?


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well try talking to him to begin with. Have a serious discussion with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe suggest MC. If he does not want to listen or change and that is how you really feel, than start prepping to leave and for the divorce. Have everything in order as much as you can before it happens. Hope this helps and Good luck to you.


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