# Sorta married, sorta not



## Lorrie5-0 (Jul 9, 2020)

I was married for 31 years, divorced, then fell in love for the first time!! We have been together three years. I was an extremely independent girl, as first husband couldn't care less what I did. Fast forward. My current husband was married for 19 years to a high conflict person. They have been divorced 6 years. Two boys, now 11 and 15. Hasn't been an easy road. I'm dealing with anger and resentments from past marriage that have spilled over to this one. My husband doesn't stand conflict. We have probably gotten into three major conflicts, with the last one the day before I left to go to NYC to help them in the ICU for Covid as I am an RN for 25 years. I just wrote out a will, got a life insurance policy, and he was trying to be strong and not show his fear. My take was that he didn't care that I was risking my life and all the hate, anger, resentments, and past transgressions came out of my mouth. We are both wounded. NYC was a hellhole. I'm still dealing with the trauma of that experience. Covid is definitely a *****!!
I came home exhausted, traumatized, and was having nightmares. He decided that he didn't want to continue our relationship. We have worked some stuff out but then a series of things happened, that triggered me into thinking he was seeing someone else. I'm still not 100% on that yet. But it lead me to decide that our marriage was over. He moved to the other side of the house. I did some for real soul searching and I realized I'm in no shape mentally to be making life changing decisions and we put a pause on the relationship. I've gotten some help with the trauma, have been sleeping better, and have decided that I really want this man in my life and want us to have an amazing life. He is though in neutral and is gun-shy (his description). I totally understand and have compassion for him. I though am a snap decision maker, which makes me a great ICU nurse btw! I'm just stuck right now. I'm trying to give him time and space. I know he is watching and waiting for me to lose it. I'm of the you either want to work it out or you don't camp. What else can I do, other than just go on with my life and make me happy?


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you talked to your husband and told him what you told us? That you were in no place to make a decision, that you made mistakes, that you want to stay married, that you want to work on the marriage? If not, I would start there.

You mentioned that you have been "dealing with anger and resentments from past marriage that have spilled over to this one." That is something that you absolutely need to deal with. It's totally unfair for those issues to spill over into your new marriage.

So for that, I would contact some therapists for consultations (free) and find a good match. Start working on those past issues and let your husband know that you made mistakes, you are sorry, and you are working on fixing it. He is going to want to see actions to go with that, because "actions speak louder than words". I think that would help a lot here.

Have you asked him if he will go to marriage counseling? That could be a huge benefit as well. The fight you had before leaving had a LONG time to keep building and adding to the resentment, so that should be worked through and a therapist can guide that conversation.

When you were in the city, did you talk to your husband regularly? Or did you have radio silence from both ends?


----------



## Lorrie5-0 (Jul 9, 2020)

We have discussed all of this. We talked while I was gone, but the stress, loneliness, and sadness didn't help our conversations. I've asked him to go to counseling, but he is not committed yet to it, as he just recently said he wasn't sure if he even wants to continue our relationship.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

As previously said, you need to reassure him you want to do better communicating. I would try to pitch MC as you need the help of him and the counselor to get it right. I would also point out to him that MC is a pretty small commitment to compared to your existing ones.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I would start by getting yourself into individual therapy. As you are working on yourself he might see those changes and start to come around. Let him know that you are doing therapy, but leave it at that. You want him to see the changes, not hear all about them. Sometimes it is appropriate to let him know about something in therapy that "clicked", but there shouldn't be a daily/weekly update (unless he wants that). Worst case scenario it doesn't change his mind, but you will still be better off for getting the therapy. Are you willing to do that?

For the marriage counseling (MC), let him know that it isn't just for couples that want to stay married. Even if one or both spouses are unsure about the marriage it's a good option. Personally, I don't think a marriage should be ended without speaking to a couples/marriage therapist first. Sometimes the unsure spouse will change their mind, sometimes they won't but either way, the MC can help figure it all out. If he is unsure, then use that and tell him that's what therapy is for.


----------



## Lorrie5-0 (Jul 9, 2020)

I'm in my own therapy. I agree with all your advice. I'm working on me and I know I'll be ok no matter what he decides. It's this limbo that's difficult to live with.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Noncompatibility held together with a bandaid of fear.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Did you asked him if he was OK with you going to New York or you decided on your own?


----------



## Lorrie5-0 (Jul 9, 2020)

We discussed it for several days and both agreed for me to go.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

First off, thank you for your service to help others in need. You are a very brave women for facing the dangers of Convid-19 and taking a front line position in that fight.

I would expect every nurse to step up like you have! Sadly, some have not.

Now, as for your current relationship, nothing, and I mean nothing, should be decided as to how you two should proceed. Until the Covid-19 crisis is contained, or over, the both of you should not make any rash decisions to end it.

In the meantime, you both should take care of yourselves, and wait for a better environment to further make decisions.

JMHO.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So what exactly happened? Was it really "everything is great" and then boom, you go to NYC and everything goes to ****? 

I mean, he was scared for you, I am betting it freaked him out. What was the argument about? 

Not trying to be dense. Did you do something wrong, did he do something wrong?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

it kinda seems like his and your personalities are not really aligned. Do you really want to be stepping on egg shells because of his past issues with conflict?


----------

