# Is lack of sex a reason to a marriage?



## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

*Is lack of sex a reason end to a marriage?*

I've browsed the forum and saw similar discussions... insight is nice, thought i'd throw my hat into the ring... sorry if its long, i need a forum to rant a bit 

:-/

Wife and I dated for 4 years, engaged for 1, married for 3. When we started dating certain sexual acts were sacrificed on my part. She didn't like to receive oral, positions were limited to missionary and her on top. Though we still had some level of foreplay, and she would still go down on me during foreplay. I decided that love and personal chemistry were more important that fulfilling all my kinky fantasies, and as dating progressed sexual connection seemed to increase.

Once we got engaged sex just disappeared. We had lots of excuses: stress due to work, living situation (we literally lived at her work), planning a marriage. Our honey moon was completely dry. 2 weeks in Italy should have been romantic as hell, though it felt more like a business trip.

For the first 2 years of marriage sex only happened every few months. When it happened it was brief, uninspired, only missionary, and foreplay was limited to kissing lips and touching. Kissing anything but lips was forbidden. There was no intimacy in between the months of having sex. No interest in kissing, touching or anything if it wasn't leading up to sex, which was a rare occurrence.

I brought up my frustrations after our second anniversary, and we both agreed it was a problem. Sex started to happen once every couple weeks, though dwindled down to once a month.

Since that discussion its still missionary or nothing though, with no foreplay other than just touching. When i ask for a different position, i just get turned down. When i bring up i want oral, she freaks out about how she doesn't like it. When i ask to do stuff like kiss her all over, she says she just let me do that in the past because she knew i liked it; she doesn't really like it and know she's not interested.

I'd like to think i'm a good husband. I cook her good dinners and help with cleaning the house; i massage her to sleep on the couch just about every night. I'm not asking her to force herself to do anything she doesn't want to do; but I can't help but feel deceived that things we did when dating are now off limits, and that its unfair to me to limit my sexual desires so much. 

My sexual frustration is high. I knew going into this marriage what i was sacrificing sexually. I didn't know more would be sacrificed later. I want to be the romantic and stay committed to the vows I made, for better or worse. I want to cling to the ideal that there is more to marriage than sex. But the general lack of intimacy and the fact that i can't fulfill my sexual desires - even the compromised ones - is killing me.

So is it wrong to use sex as one of the primary reasons for ending a marriage?


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

sounds like your wife has some sexual hang ups with all her restrictions. maybe you two should try sex therapy.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my answer to your question . YES.
if you have moved on from the relationship on a new level. 
i dont see why ppl should give up stuff that they like in a relationship.
i personally like the challenge of someones new ideas on an everyday basis.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*Re: Is lack of sex a reason end to a marriage?*



los pantalones said:


> I want to cling to the ideal that there is more to marriage than sex.


All your problems are summed up in that one sentence. You had unrealistic ideals. You went against your own feelings, and now you can't stand it.

Of course it's a good reason to leave. However, read this first:
Sexless Marriage?
See if you can tick any of the boxes, and report back to us. Even your user name tells me something


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You mention no children--I'm assuming no children are involved. So, if it is this bad and you don't even have children yet, I would hate to see the situation when children arrive. Now is the time for you to decide. If you really love your wife and have many things in common, you may consider counseling as an option. Would your wife agree to go? Right now you seem to be the one doing all of the giving in the relationship. No wonder you aren't happy!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Oof, I would have a serious problem with this relationship if I was you.

I love my wife to death, but if that was our sex life her and I would have a SERIOUS conversation and if things didn't change in the bed room they would change significantly out of the bedroom.

Honest question, and I only ask this because she has some serious intimacy issues so please don't take offense to this, was your wife raped or molested prior to you two being together?

Lets just say I know a couple women close to me in my life, one of which was my wife, who had been previoiusly raped or molested and that creates some serious intimacy issues for a woman.

Honest to God, my wife didn't have her first orgasm EVER until we had been married for at least 5 or 6 years. She has them pretty much every session now, and I haven't changed much. She just had a serious intimacy/sexual issue from being date raped once and just couldn't fully "let go" for the longest time.

I got lucky, she got over most of it on her own without therapy, but I fear if your wife is in this situation, she will DEFINITELY need therapy.

If I'm totally off base, then sexual therapy is still needed in my opinion. You have to let her know that its therapy or you would seriously consider leaving.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

aside from the issue raised by revitalized, your situation seems grave. if she doesn't want to change her behavior, i don't see her going to counseling or reading self help books. i think the conversation i would have with her would be brief and just about that, "i need more intimacy, are you willing to seek help to improve that", if she answers NO, i dont think your situation is going to change.


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

Thank you all for the responses.

As far as the Sexless Marriage article goes: The "stress" points may have some presence; she often stresses her self out about everything - work, school, the weather, just about anything - so that elevated level may be interfering. When i try to massager her to relax her she just falls asleep, so that always back fires. A romantic dinner with wine just knocks her out too. If we go out on a "date" something manages to crawl under her skin somehow. Could resentment be present? sure. I do what i can to tow the line, but she is definitely more of a busy body than I. Romance has definitely faded. We've tried to do more date night stuff, but i don't know how much its clicking.

No children present, with no desire to have children.

No (admitted or known) history of abuse.

When we had our initial talk after two years of marriage I suggested counseling, though she was not open to it. There's intimacy issues somewhere there, and part of that is a lack of openness to talk to strangers. A counselor would be a stranger, and as such is a blocker for her.

I plan on bringing up these issues with her again in the near future. After the last experiences of bringing up unhappiness in the marriage (last July was the sex talk, January was the talk of unhappiness in general) I have my doubts about how it will go. It starts with a lot of sadness, though eventually leads into bitter snippy remarks ("i'm sorry i'm such a dissapointment!"). The first couple weeks show signs of effort, but after those couple weeks things are back to normal.

Thinking about taking that step of ending the marriage is always a hard mental exercise for me. As unhappy as i am, as much as i fantasize about being out, I have a hard time imaging going through it. Though i don't know what's making it hard. I don't know if its love, the stigma of divorce, the emotional anguish of just going through with it, or the catholic guilt making me think i'm just part of society over sexualizing women, being the stereotypical constantly horny pig of a man.


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## RelSol1 (Mar 27, 2009)

I'm not sure if a sexless marriage is a reason to end your relationship. There is more to be done. You really need to open up and communicate with your wife. Find out what SHE likes. 

I come across couples all the time that are afraid to talk about what they like sexually. It always amazes me. 

Your focus is on receiving when it should be on giving. Find out what you can do to please her. My guess is it is not even going to start in the bedroom. 

It seems like you're putting a lot of sexual pressure on your wife, which is really pushing her away rather than bringing her closer. 

Find out what YOU can do to create intimacy. Stop thinking about sex. If you focus on what you can give, you'll get what you want in the end. 

Don't end your relationship because of a sexless marriage.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

RelSol1 said:


> I'm not sure if a sexless marriage is a reason to end your relationship. There is more to be done. You really need to open up and communicate with your wife. Find out what SHE likes.
> 
> I come across couples all the time that are afraid to talk about what they like sexually. It always amazes me.
> 
> ...


GO Buckeyes beat Michigan!! Sorry I had to say that.!:smthumbup:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

los pantalones said:


> or the catholic guilt making me think i'm just part of society over sexualizing women, being the stereotypical constantly horny pig of a man.


Well it appears you are as guilty about freely enjoying sex as she is. This is the real reason you are stuck. I would not put up with this situation for more than 2 weeks. I would seek movement or go. You have not even got kids...


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## BlueRoseRed (Mar 21, 2009)

I hate to say it, but I agree with MarkTwain... You probably should leave. You saw from the beginning that there were going to be sexual problems, and sex is very important. You should have listened to your instinct that had a problem with it rather than try and ignore it for the rest of the relationship.


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

RelSol1 said:


> It seems like you're putting a lot of sexual pressure on your wife, which is really pushing her away rather than bringing her closer.
> Don't end your relationship because of a sexless marriage.


When first dating and first trying to go down on my wife and she said no, I complied. Over the 8 year relationship I may have tried to put that on the table 4 times. It wasn't until after 5 years pre marriage and 2 years post marriage that i mentioned i was unhappy with intimacy... not sex. And i've never tried to pressure her to do things she's not comfortable with. I'll mention what i desire to do sexually, but i never try to coerce her to do something if it's not what she wants to do. And as stated, i brought up this unhapiness once. The other (365 X 8) - 1 days we've been together i've held out in tolerance and hope things will get better.

Now am i mister romantic? no. Do i buy flowers except for birthday anniversary and valentines day? no. could i improve? yes. But i'm at that point where the little i've tried to do seems to have such little impact and response, i'm honestly discouraged from trying harder.


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Well it appears you are as guilty about freely enjoying sex as she is. This is the real reason you are stuck. I would not put up with this situation for more than 2 weeks. I would seek movement or go. You have not even got kids...


2 weeks? hmmm... maybe easier said than done...


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

personally, it sounds like you are doing alot right and really trying and she doesnt appreciate you. I would have to question her love . Massages, oral, cooking, cleaning...wow, wish I had a husband like you.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Are you aware of whether she orgasms the times that the two of you do have sex? If she's that uptight about the sex, I imagine not. It becomes a negative cycle ... she's uptight about the sex, she doesn't orgasm, sex seems pointless and pleasure-less to her, she wants less sex.

I would question her attraction toward you. She may love you in many ways, but not quite the way a woman loves a husband and is attracted to her husband. Otherwise, it makes no sense that even so early on, she has avoided not just sex, but hugs and kisses.

If I were you, I'd complain more (meaning: keep bringing up these topics for discussion with her). Sounds like you've been very supportive and patient, and I doubt that the seriousness of your message ("if this doesn't change, I might have to end the marriage") has gotten through.

Oh, and to answer your original question: Yes, lack of sex can be a darn good reason to leave a marriage (once all stones have been turned looking for a solution).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

los pantalones said:


> 2 weeks? hmmm... maybe easier said than done...


But you have allowed several years to elapse, why?


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## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

First of all I do agree that a sexless marriage is a not matter for divorce. Seeking the help of a sex therapist would be much on the lines of wanting to save your relationship.


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## aj1217 (Mar 25, 2009)

You are a good man, who loves and respects his wife, but speaking from experience get rid of her before you have kids. If you are like me you are always trying to look for the silver lining and hoping that things will change. It seems to me you are being the man every woman says they want until they have you. In the mean time you lose way to much of yourself trying to please some one who is selfish and really doesn't care about you. 

Good luck


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

aj1217 said:


> It seems to me you are being the man every woman says they want until they have you.


:iagree:

This is the paradox that many men just don't seem to get. Being over-accommodating makes men less desirable.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dang skippy it does


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> But you have allowed several years to elapse, why?


It's been too easy to to make excuses. The first year we lived together (while engaged) we literally lived in the basement of where she works, which was definitely stressful for her, since she was literally never away from work. So the rational was its a stressful environment, things will get better when we move out and she gets a new job. I've been waiting for that turn-around but it's just not coming.


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

MsLady said:


> Are you aware of whether she orgasms the times that the two of you do have sex? If she's that uptight ...


Before first bringing up the intimacy issues there were problems like that in the bedroom. But after the talk things have improved, even if it is once a month. Over all she looks at sex being an icky gooey experience that involves places where pee also comes out of. In short, there is definitely some uptightness.


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## los pantalones (Mar 25, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is the paradox that many men just don't seem to get. Being over-accommodating makes men less desirable.


Bummer of a paradox


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

los pantalones said:


> Bummer of a paradox


It's all inside you. The tough stuff you see in her is fed and watered by you. It's no accident that it has lasted, and been going on, for so long. 

You are clearly on the verge of gaining self-mastery however, so I'm happy for you


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## sarah63 (Apr 5, 2009)

> Now am i mister romantic? no. Do i buy flowers except for birthday anniversary and valentines day? no. could i improve? yes. But i'm at that point where the little i've tried to do seems to have such little impact and response, i'm honestly discouraged from trying harder.


Now, it seems to me that you have a point there, however it might be worthwhile trying a bit harder. Although it sounds like you do a lot of things for you wife (massage, cooking, etc etc) maybe she needs a little bit more romance in order to be able to open up. Try to send flowers to her, take her out for a surprise date, hold her hand while walking, little things like that and that might help her to relax and be more willing to enjoy having sex with you or at least be a bit more open when trying to talk about your sex life. Hope this helps, good luck!


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