# Finding out things... Paranoid



## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

Hello Everyone,

I am a recent college graduate working as a research fellow for the federal government. My fiance followed me out here to from across the country. We have not liked the area and hoped to be back in California after I finish my fellowship.

About a year ago, my fiance approached me and asked about moving back to California. She was so excited about me applying to graduate schools in California. 

Skip to a month ago, my fiance started telling others around me about her plans to go to graduate school out here. She had always indicated that whe wanted to go graduate school in California. Out of the 11 graduate programs I applied to, Iwas accepted to all 11 schools. I narrowed my choices to the west coast, thinking it would be great for my fiance and I. She had only indicated to go to schools in California, not on the east coast. 

I feel like I have been totally commited in this relationship. We have been engaged for two years and she has not agreed on a date. I find out things about her plans, not from her, but through other channels. She keeps her iPhone password protected and does not tell me the code. I pay the phone bill and have noted several phone numbers calling her. She has a history of guys flirting with her (her ex-boyfriend calls her) and not telling them where to go. 

All last week, instead of talking to me about our problems, she went to hang out with her friends and they invited guys over for drinks and hooka. I know I have my insecurities, I just would like to feel like I am with someone that knows what they want in life. 

What do you think?


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Well...it's better to find out what you/she want in life BEFORE marriage (trust me, you don't want to be in my shoes right now). About a month after getting married my husband decided he didn't want to be married, he had never lived on his own, didn't and still doesn't have many friends, yet he's too scared to go out and be on his own??! I figure if he really wants to be on his own, he will start with a divorce (pretty much for no reason) because I refuse to destroy it because he's being a child.

SO! Talk to her, really talk...talk about what you each want in life, or better yet. Write down what you want in life and be honest, then pass the list to each other and read them to yourselves then go over the lists...so how similar they are and where you can compromise if you're committed to each other.

Hope this helps!


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

She's gone! Pursue your goals and the rest will fall in place


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say:


TexanDude said:


> We have not liked the area and *hoped to be back in California after I finish my fellowship*.


Then you say:


TexanDude said:


> *I narrowed my choices to the east coast*, thinking *it would be great for my fiance and I*.


Then you say:


TexanDude said:


> I feel like I have been totally commited in this relationship.


 Irrespective of her actions, which are definitely suspicious and indicative of someone who is moving to free herself from your relationship, you ALSO seem to be making selfish, contradictory decisions. If you were totally committed, you would have discussed it all before narrowing your search to the east coast, when you knew *FULL WELL* she wanted nothing to do with it!

Which is it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, if you now live in Texas, I don't blame her for wanting to move away! I've been wanting to leave Texas for 40 years, lol!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Honestly you need to nip this in the bud now before you let it go to the point that it is going to feel like emotional death. You need to let her know what she is doing you are not comfortable with. If she can't accept this then she isn't for you. Cause I am sure if she brought something up to you then you would change. If she wants to do her thing and you don't approve then go on.

Basically if she loves you like you love her then you will be in the loop and you would be considered in everything. Just like you should include her in everything that can effect the two of you.


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## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

Tunera: I narrowed my choices down to the west coast because we both agreed to leave the east coast. She saw the graduate schools I was applying to, and I gave her many opportunities make suggestions about other schools. 

I agree, this should have been a more collective decision. That is my fault. My issue is in how she suddenly decided to change her mind about going back to Cali, and how I found out. I think that it is a major sign of her maturity to me. 

Btw, we do not live in Texas. We currently live on the east coast. I am from Texas, and there are some nice things about the state. 

Carefulthoughts:

I agree with you. If she cannot understand my feelings, then there is no reason for being with her. What makes it worst, this is not the first time that she refuses to understand my feelings. It is an emotional death, and she really does not seem to care.


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## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

sorry... major misunderstanding... i meant west coast... not east coast...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah...that does make a huge difference!

Ok, let's start over again, then! 

You mention her emotional maturity. I gather she is about 24, give or take a couple years? As you are? Well, no offense, but ~24 is really not all that mature yet, in relative terms. In fact, I recommend that people don't marry before 25 because people younger than that typically aren't done changing and maturing yet. Life has a way of changing you and maturing you, so I'll bet you two both have a bit more changing to do.

That said, you seem to be more...analytical than her? Is that right? If so, it may help you to realize that, just because she doesn't think and process the same way you do, doesn't mean her way is wrong. Just pointing that out.

Now, as for the way she went about this, I don't know much about you guys but my first assumption based on what you wrote, and HOW you wrote, is that she may feel shut out from your thought processes and even possibly other aspects of your relationship. Just as you harbor resentments about her, she will be doing the same about YOU. It's human nature. So, I doubt you would propose to a woman who simply is egocentric and doesn't care about you; which leaves, she felt making plans for her own college was the only way she could 'protect' herself and her future. 

That doesn't make her mean or bad or selfish; just frustrated.

How to fix it? Communication.

How much do the two of you just sit down and talk to each other? Say how you are feeling, listen to the other give his/her issues, try to find solutions? THERE is where you're going to find peace ahd harmony.

That said, her suspicious activity COULD be indicative of someone who has decided you're not for her, and she's started flirting, looking for some fun. You sound pretty...reserved. How often do you two just go and have a blast? Be crazy? Give her some real fun? If she's only about 24, she probably is starting to feel like life is passing her by. Worth considering.

And ps, I was kidding about Texas.


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## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

Thats hilarious you said she was 24. She is 29. I am 25. 

Communication:

You are totally right, and I do believe that she hold harbors a lot of anger. I try taking her out, and that usually goes south. She complains about the service, food, and usually does not seem totally interested. If I let her decide the place, and happen to be paying too, she loves it. 

Last night, for the first time in four years, I went out with some buddies from work and had a couple of drinks. Today, she got crazy with me saying how I'm partying it up. She is usually the one that is always at some happy hour or drinking it up with her coworkers. It is fine that she does that. It is fine that she has fun without me, give me the same amount of respect. I have never flirted, or cheated on another person. She flirts like crazy and claims innocence. 

I am at the point where I am not holding my breath for this relationship to work out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, it sounds like she's blown you off. If you want to stay together, you're going to have to sit down and start talking honestly. But if she's already written you off, she's not going to tell you the truth

I've gotta say, though...she's 29 and you're making comments about her maturity? Not to be rude, but as an observation, when I see men say such things about women, the first word that comes to mind is judgmental. As in, 'she doesn't think the way I do or do what I would do, so she is flawed.'

You may not be that way, but my whole family is FULL of men like that, and it seems just like the kinds of things they say or do or think. Something to consider. Have you ever asked her if she feels like you judge her? Just curious.

If so, it would be a huge reason she has decided to 'earn' the reputation you have put upon her. Women do that all the time.

I'm not criticizing you, just throwing out possible issues in your relationship, so you know what to address. And mind, I'm not in any way condoning how she acts - just trying to explain why she may be acting that way to how you may have a hand in it.


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## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

I completely get your point. I think my intentions are not to judge her. She most likely feels that way because I notice how she constantly thinks I am saying something completely different from the literal meaning. 

If anything, this is the first time I have ever questioned her maturity. I probably show it physically, however, I always tell her how brillant and beautiful she is. Does it get through... not sure... 

You are right. She writes people off, especially in relationships. I also write people off too. Given the things that have happen between us, if she was someone I had no feelings in, I would have moved on. 

I have been the one to suggest couples counseling. She has acted reluctant. Have you ever tried it? I feel like we need a third person to arbitrate things. I know I can be just as defensive about things as her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just a little. I would advise looking for one who helps you learn to talk to each other safely. That way, if you learn it, you can practice it on your own.


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## TexanDude (May 2, 2010)

Thanks for all your advice. I just found out via facebook that her brother is going to be here next week. He is going to be here until August. This is what I am talking about.


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