# Ideas for Sharing Finances



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Please see my other blog posts about our struggling marriage








Need Ideas to get respect back


My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5...




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Should I use my Wife's Money


We have been married for 19 years. My wife started working from home as a beautician between 2006 and 2010. I never asked her how much she made. She paid for some groceries, day care for my daughter. In 2010 when we bought a house, she might have contributed 10-20K towards the down payment. I do...




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Wife cannot miss parties with girl friends. Prefers...


We have been married for 19 year. We have a 17 year ready for college and 10 year old twins. Since my twins were born, my wife had to stop working . It took her 6 years to get back while we accumulated $30,000 in debt. Since last five years she started a business which barely makes minimum wage...




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two night sleepover for 10 year olds


My wife decided to send my 10 year old twins to two night of sleepover . When I protest, she says the kids love it How does one put one's foot down




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Baring 4-5 years of our 19 year marriage, I have paid all bills. My wife did help in house's down-payments , pay 50% of our daughter's car and paid tickets for two vacations. I have paid all bills particularly last 11 years. I have now decided to take in her financial contributions to run the household. Give me your ideas how handle this given that she makes about 10-20% of what I make. We also need send our 18 year old to college this year and need to replace an aging car


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have never understood this yours and mine concept in a marriage. Just get a joint account and call all income ours.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Continue to run your household on your salary but take her 20%"contribution" & sock it away in a savings account. Then you will have money for the car & maybe some for books when your daughter goes to college.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

For me, the easiest way is a joint account for expenses and an individual account where each spouse gets the same money that they can without explanation to their partner. Then the rest into the usual investment and retirement accounts.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

andyannu said:


> Please see my other blog posts about our struggling marriage
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Since it is a major change you sit down and discuss it like adults, mutually.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I have never understood this yours and mine concept in a marriage. Just get a joint account and call all income ours.


Once you get married all the money and assets is joint anyway. What's the point of figuring out percentages and who paid what and who does what. Right?

For that matter will she keep a household task list that she does and figure out how much it would cost if you had to hire someone to do it?

A full time housekeeper can make *$60,000. a year. *
The average cost to hire a personal chef is *between $30 to $40 per hour.*
Landscaping is about* $26 per hour.*

Maybe OP should rethink the money stuff.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Plenty of people will come and tell you this or that. You should, she should, it's fair to.....

Thing is marriage is a contract. Each person's marriage is different you have spent many years building a contract with your wife. There is a lot that goes into that. So to make major changes means you both need to sit down and talk. Which you both needed to do anyway.

There is the joint for everything in which case both get to make decisions on all major things or personal purchases usually a set amount is given each month for fun money no questions asked.

There is each paying a percentage of their earnings like you both pay 50% of your earnings into a joint account for household expenses with the left overs each individuals.

Then there is each pay 50% of the expenses no matter what their income.

Your problem is you aren't starting from scratch. You and your wife have been married for years. She took time off for child raising. So you can't expect her to pay $60k a year now. You built these expenses without her having the knowledge you'd expect her to pay for half of them.

You also have additional problems of the Mothers living with you. Do you pay for their living expenses? Whose mother moved in first? Was it a mutual decision?

In my opinion your problem isn't the money it's that your wife is in the process of checking out of your marriage. If you make this about money you are just going to push her further out. All your harping on her hourly wage when you know that she isn't working the whole time she is out isn't helping either. 

You work two jobs. How many hours a week is that. You don't need to do both. Downsize your life. Sit down talk with your wife talk to her about moving the mothers out. Talk to her about selling the house and getting something more affordable. Let her know you are done working two jobs (in time after plans have been made). More importantly you need to have some conversations about her and your resentments toward each other.

What I see is she is probably already on the hunt for your replacement. If not then she just wants to escape the house. Do you have any clue if my speculation is correct? Has she voiced any concerns over having both mothers at the house? How does her mother and your mother treat her? Mothers tend to try to 'rule the roost' even if it isn't their roost. I can't imagine two of them in the same house.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Cindywife said:


> Once you get married all the money and assets is joint anyway. What's the point of figuring out percentages and who paid what and who does what. Right?
> 
> For that matter will she keep a household task list that she does and figure out how much it would cost if you had to hire someone to do it?
> 
> ...


I've seen the fuzzy math about what a wife does, it never adds up in real life. Also, those are also rates for professionals. It only costs a few hundred bucks per visit. You can get ready made meals delivered to your door now. Yardwork usually falls on the guy's shoulders anyways.

Bottom line is OP has spend two decades creating this situation. He can try to talk to her but at this point he doesn't have much leverage. Other than that he can make more money himself so that her contribution doesn't matter or separate and let the courts tell him much he'll have to give her each month.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You are also going to get way better answers if you stick to one thread. All this stuff is related in a marriage. 

So whose idea to move both mothers in? Whose mother moved in first?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think to root of the problems in this marriage is it seems to be more of a business arrangement than an actual marriage. Even the care of the children sounds like a job responsibility discussion, not martial discussion.


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Plenty of people will come and tell you this or that. You should, she should, it's fair to.....
> 
> Thing is marriage is a contract. Each person's marriage is different you have spent many years building a contract with your wife. There is a lot that goes into that. So to make major changes means you both need to sit down and talk. Which you both needed to do anyway.
> 
> ...



Most of things you say are accurate. But for years I have tried her to engage in finances. She wants nothings to do with it. She will not do a budget. I do monthly calculation of how much money came in, and how much we spent. When I send her statement of those numbers, she gets annoyed

We come from a culture where mothers stay with us. When she married she knew she is marrying into a joint family where mothers were part of. Yes mothers can be annoying and my mother is no exception. But her behavior worsens the situation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

andyannu said:


> Most of things you say are accurate. But for years I have tried her to engage in finances. She wants nothings to do with it. She will not do a budget. I do monthly calculation of how much money came in, and how much we spent. When I send her statement of those numbers, she gets annoyed
> 
> We come from a culture where mothers stay with us. When she married she knew she is marrying into a joint family where mothers were part of. Yes mothers can be annoying and my mother is no exception. But her behavior worsens the situation.


You haven't really answered the question. You say she knew that mothers are part of your culture. But people don't follow cultural standards all the time that's why the older generation from every culture complains about the young kids not doing things correctly.

SO let's go back. Whose mother moved in first? How was this handled? Did you sit down with your wife and discuss what these changes both for her mother and your mother would look like? After did you follow up with your mother about what roles would look like in this major change? She follow up with hers? How does your mother annoy her? Has she discussed this with you for a long time? Have you done anything about it or just hoped it would work itself out? Or just blamed your wife for the two not getting along great?

Second I never said do monthly calculation with her. If your the money man that's fine. What's not fine is belittling her work because of the pay when you don't actually care about the pay. That's called being passive aggressive, you are trying to win an argument using false debate. You probably would want her home no matter how much money she made. You tried this same false argument with us. You said oh she doesn't cook or clean blah blah blah... Well you have 2 mothers living with you. Frankly unless they are disabled or paying for their share of the expenses the mothers should be handling the cooking and cleaning. It's a way to easily make themselves useful.

The conversation would simply go more like this (or course you'd have to pull off calm and watch your tone which I don't think you are capable of doing).

Wife I am no longer going to work 2 jobs so I am going to put the house up for sale and we will buy something smaller so we can afford our lifestyle. 

If she says she doesn't want to then you say.... Well you will need to contribute something to our income if we are not going to move. Perhaps you could work at a salon instead of owning one. Would you rather move or find a better paying job.

Problem is money isn't your only or real problem. Please look up the term walk away wife. You either have a walk away wife in the making or she is cheating on you. Have you checked her phone bill? Does she guard her phone? Do you two still have sex regularly?

You have a wife that you resent and she resents you. I also think that even if you could you wouldn't give up the evening side job would you?

Last question: In your culture do women normally pay any bills or stay home?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and you don't have to involve her in the budget if she doesn't want to be involved. Simply stop the credit cards and give her x amount of cash each month. Then she can't overspend

(If we are still going to pretend this is a money issue).


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You haven't really answered the question. You say she knew that mothers are part of your culture. But people don't follow cultural standards all the time that's why the older generation from every culture complains about the young kids not doing things correctly.
> 
> SO let's go back. Whose mother moved in first? How was this handled? Did you sit down with your wife and discuss what these changes both for her mother and your mother would look like? After did you follow up with your mother about what roles would look like in this major change? She follow up with hers? How does your mother annoy her? Has she discussed this with you for a long time? Have you done anything about it or just hoped it would work itself out? Or just blamed your wife for the two not getting along great?
> 
> ...


You make many good points and ask some insightful questions. Is it possible for me to talk to you .


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

She won't see the logic because you sound like a nagging father to her. Make an appointment with a professional and bring all your financial documents with you. A financial advisor can help.


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