# Threatened Now



## chris6037 (Jul 23, 2012)

I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out. We went to counseling and I believed we were working out our issues. We had been married 20+ years at the time. The person I had the affair with no longer works at my company. My husband now controls everything I do with the threat that if I do not do what he says he will go to my employer and tell them that I had this affair. The corporation I work for would find an extramarital affair bad PR for them. He says he will go public with everything making sure to name them when he does it. He will make sure I lose my job and he will then divorce me. When I ask him how he expects me to take care of our children if he does this he replies that it is not his problem. That I brought this all on myself when I decided to have the affair. I have thought so many times of leaving him but with the way the job market is there is no way I could find a job that pays what mine currently pays. I'm afraid of him and that is why I stay. He controls everything I do. He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it. Please someone give me your views on this. It has been 2 years and the stress is killing me. I'm at a loss at what I should do. Will this ever end?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You cheated why are you even questioning a very basic request from your loyal husband?

Quit your job right away if you want his forgiveness.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

what do you mean do everything he say ??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> You cheated why are you even questioning a very basic request from your loyal husband?
> 
> Quit your jib right away if you want his forgiveness.


Why should she quit her job if the OM no longer works there?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You sound pretty much depressed nad stressed.


> My husband now controls everything I do with the threat that if I do not do what he says he will go to my employer and tell them that I had this affair.


Can you elaborate?


> I have thought so many times of leaving him but with the way the job market is there is no way I could find a job that pays what mine currently pays


Do you mean after you were found out?


> I'm afraid of him and that is why I stay


Can you elaborate?


> He controls everything I do.


Can you elaborate?

Did you guys went to MC? Did you ever try to really reconcile the marriage properly? You obviously doesn't love him. What is your plan. To stay out of fear?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why should she quit her job if the OM no longer works there?


Consequence for her actions.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

I agree with Acabado. Could you elaborate. You owe your husband a lot. But is he unreasonable? If it's abuse, then you would need to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was your husband like before your affair? Was he controlling and abusive then?
What state do you live in? This is an important question since it will help to give you a strong response to his threats.


chris6037 said:


> I had an affair with a coworker and my husband found out. We went to counseling and I believed we were working out our issues. We had been married 20+ years at the time. The person I had the affair with no longer works at my company.


Good so the OM no longer works with you.

Why does he want you to quit your job if the OM is no longer working there? What benefit does this get him?


chris6037 said:


> My husband now controls everything I do with the threat that if I do not do what he says he will go to my employer and tell them that I had this affair. The corporation I work for would find an extramarital affair bad PR for them. He says he will go public with everything making sure to name them when he does it. He will make sure I lose my job


Please give us a list of the things that your husband tells you to do or he will expose your affair?



chris6037 said:


> and he will then divorce me. When I ask him how he expects me to take care of our children if he does this he replies that it is not his problem. That I brought this all on myself when I decided to have the affair. I have thought so many times of leaving him but with the way the job market is there is no way I could find a job that pays what mine currently pays. I'm afraid of him and that is why I stay. He controls everything I do. He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it. Please someone give me your views on this. It has been 2 years and the stress is killing me. I'm at a loss at what I should do. Will this ever end?


How many children do you have and how old are they?

He is wrong that anyone would use an affair to push their spouse around like this.

When he says that it’s your problem of how you will support the children, remind him that it is his problem as well. The less you make the more he will have to pay in child support and spousal support.

You could chose to take this power away from him by finding another job before you quit this one. Once at a different job he cannot do anything to get you fired.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sounds like blackmail instead of R. Don't like that. Revenge is not R. No excuse for your action, but he is NOT right if he wants a real M.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> Consequence for her actions.


Specialists in the field of marital recovery adivise that a person quite their job IF they are still working with their affair partner. They do not advise to just get the person to quit their job to punish them. 

The advice to tell the company about the affair is also with the purpose of ending the affair, not to punish the cheating spouse.

It's about ending the affair, not punishment. A person does not have the right to punish their spouse.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A person does not have the right to punish their spouse.


You sure? OP did punish her husband by sleeping with another man, it's only fair for her to suffer only a fraction of what the husband went through.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Consequence for her actions.


:scratchhead: What is the logic in it if the OM doesn't work there? The husband asking for accountability is one thing..... being a controlling SOB is quite another and just might just be the reason he got cheated on in the first place.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> :scratchhead: What is the logic in it if the OM doesn't work there? The husband asking for accountability is one thing..... being a controlling SOB is quite another and just might just be the reason he got cheated on in the first place.


The logic? Maybe it's triggering him?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

can you expand on how he "controls" you exactly


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You could just out yourself to HR, state it was 2 years ago and they may go easy on you. Blackmail gone.

Don't know why he's staying with you under these circumstances, doesn't sound beneficial to either of you...infidelity on one end, threats that don't help R the marriage on the other.

Out yourself, leave him. Check the job market possibilities before just to be safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> You sure? OP did punish her husband by sleeping with another man, it's only fair for her to suffer only a fraction of what the husband went through.


Yes I'm absolutely sure. Punishment is not the goal or a tool of discovery.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> The logic? Maybe it's triggering him?


He would still not have the right to punish her. 

If her working there is triggering him then there is an issue that needs to be worked on. 

We need more from the OP before we can really respond any further.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gee, you had an affair and totally destroyed your husband. He now threatens to tell - god forbid the actually truth - about what you did.

While I'm not good with blackmail, I didn't hear your husband demanding anything from you - execpt perhaps not cheating and actually being faithful to your marriage!

has he ask or demanded anything? Anything that husband wouldn't normally ask? anything that you didn't willingly give the OM?

From you posting is sounds like you are looking for sympathy for dealing with actual consequences from your choosing to betray your husband and have sex with a coworker - is that basically the situation - he caught you and is now not happy with you and isn't putting up with your lies?

Did he have the smarts to seek out your affair partners wife/girlfriend and let her know what a scumbag your affair partner is?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He would still not have the right to punish her.
> 
> If her working there is triggering him then there is an issue that needs to be worked on.
> 
> We need more from the OP before we can really respond any further.


Ele - this sounds entirely like the OP is facing consequences for being a cheater and she doesn't like it. Imagine her betrayed husband being upset that his wife lied and hand sex with co-worker! How dare he be upset about her cheating! That's so controlling of him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chris6037 said:


> I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out. We went to counseling and I believed we were working out our issues. We had been married 20+ years at the time. It has been 2 years and the stress is killing me. I'm at a loss at what I should do. Will this ever end?


You cheated after 18 years of marriage. It may very well take your husband another 18 to get over you choosing to stab him in the back and cheat.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I could see your H threatening you with this maybe if he thought your affair was still going on,but your A is over right? The way you describe him,he sounds very vindictive and wants you to suffer,as obviously doing this he couldn't possibly expect you to love him.Like Shamwow said I would take my chances with HR and even if you had to find another job,anything would be better than living the way you are now.Take care.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How long was the affair and how nasty was it? After 18 years you husband had likely built up a lot of trust in you and had built his world around you. So your choice to cheat on him was likely a life changing humiliation and shock. Why do you expect him to be over it after only two years? It took him 18 to build the trust he had in you, and one affair to shatter it. Do you think he is being unreasonable using every advantage he has to deal with your betrayal?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Where is OP?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

chris6037 said:


> I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out. We went to counseling and I believed we were working out our issues. We had been married 20+ years at the time. The person I had the affair with no longer works at my company. My husband now controls everything I do with the threat that if I do not do what he says he will go to my employer and tell them that I had this affair. The corporation I work for would find an extramarital affair bad PR for them. He says he will go public with everything making sure to name them when he does it. He will make sure I lose my job and he will then divorce me. When I ask him how he expects me to take care of our children if he does this he replies that it is not his problem. That I brought this all on myself when I decided to have the affair. I have thought so many times of leaving him but with the way the job market is there is no way I could find a job that pays what mine currently pays. I'm afraid of him and that is why I stay. He controls everything I do. He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it. Please someone give me your views on this. It has been 2 years and the stress is killing me. I'm at a loss at what I should do. Will this ever end?


A WS playing the *controlling card* and not willingly transparent. This means no remorse at all. Notice how there's *not ONE SINGLE WORD about how she betrayed his trust and any compassion for what he's feeling*. Even demonizing him by saying she's afraid of him. Afraid of what? Violence? 

If being transparent is killing you chris6037, then I suggest you leave and end your marriage. You feel no responsibility for what you did to your husband and marriage. It's still all about you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> what do you mean do everything he say ??


Oh you know, probably the usual requests like transparency, calling him if she's going to be late or when she's coming home, not going out for drinks/clubs with coworkers, no more GNOs, dropping toxic friends, etc. 

Unremorseful WSs usually call that controlling and having to do what their BS says all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Ele - this sounds entirely like the OP is facing consequences for being a cheater and she doesn't like it. Imagine her betrayed husband being upset that his wife lied and hand sex with co-worker! How dare he be upset about her cheating! That's so controlling of him.


Her post makes it sound like he is going beyond asking her to face the consequences of her cheating. We don't know. Most have asked for more clarification. 

You have no more idea of what he is asking her to do than anyone else here does. I suggest that we wait to get more detail from her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> From you posting is sounds like you are looking for sympathy for dealing with actual consequences from your choosing to betray your husband and have sex with a coworker - is that basically the situation - he caught you and is now not happy with you and isn't putting up with your lies?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

She minimized her affair right from the beginning. Just a simple "I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out." There's NO mention about whether or not it was an EA or PA. NO mention about how long it had been going on. NO mention of children. NO mention about how hurt her BH was. NOT one single sentence about being sorry for what she did. Yet the vast majority of the post is about demonizing him and making him look bad, how she's scared of him, etc. 

Not remorseful at all, not one bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow folks, you are beating up the OP before she provides the details many have requested of her. 

She just might have a valid complaint... can we wait until she comes back and responds to the details. There is a chance that he is being abusive... surely we know that there are BS who can get very abusive and vindictive. So can we wait until we have more detail of what is going on?

What good is this site if we just chew up WS and spit them out? If she is complaining about things like transparency and reasonable requestions by her husband then we can help her by explaining some things about what she needs to do to prove to him that she can be trusted. And we can help her husbandk, the BS by hopefully helping her see the light.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> She minimized her affair right from the beginning. Just a simple "I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out." There's NO mention about whether or not it was an EA or PA. NO mention about how long it had been going on. NO mention of children. NO mention about how hurt her BH was. NOT one single sentence about being sorry for what she did. Yet the vast majority of the post is about demonizing him and making him look bad, how she's scared of him, etc.
> 
> Not remorseful at all, not one bit.


Gads, she wrote a short post. If you feel that WS's needs to include all of that in their first post then by all means talk to the moderators on a form that all WS must fill out so that you are happy with their first post.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

It looks like neither of you have worked through the consequences of the affair properly. It is NOT right that you feel threatened by your husband. For R to take place both parties need to work towards it with love and understanding. All I see here is fear and control. In essence your relationship is badly broken through a lack of effective communication.

I suggest more MC is you only possible way forward. You do not seem very remorseful, though that may be a problem with expressing it rather than feeling it. He seems to have gone ultra controlling, which is unhealthy. Transparency is very different to control. A BS has every right to expect complete transparency but no right whatsoever to enforce behaviour. He can set boundaries. You get to decide autonomously whether to accept them. Two years is too long to still be threatening to tell your employer. That is cruel and unloving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Lord Mayhem, it looks like you may be right. She won't give details. By now most should know I tend to think the worst 1st. I was thinking beyond the the usual demands a BS should make. Even now, I'm tending to think she is afraid to post bc he might punish her. We will just have to wait.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

chris6037 said:


> I had an affair with a co worker and my husband found out. We went to counseling and I believed we were working out our issues. We had been married 20+ years at the time. The person I had the affair with no longer works at my company. My husband now controls everything I do with the threat that if I do not do what he says he will go to my employer and tell them that I had this affair. The corporation I work for would find an extramarital affair bad PR for them. He says he will go public with everything making sure to name them when he does it. He will make sure I lose my job and he will then divorce me. When I ask him how he expects me to take care of our children if he does this he replies that it is not his problem. That I brought this all on myself when I decided to have the affair. I have thought so many times of leaving him but with the way the job market is there is no way I could find a job that pays what mine currently pays. I'm afraid of him and that is why I stay. He controls everything I do. He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it. Please someone give me your views on this. It has been 2 years and the stress is killing me. I'm at a loss at what I should do. Will this ever end?


Sounds like you just him to get over it. Not a word of regret... You're lucky he didn't expose you just right there. Also, what do you mean by 



> My husband now controls everything I do


You mean he wants to know where you are and with whom? That kind of stuff? Well, are you expecting him to trust you? How well did that go last time?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There is too little information to go on before anyone will be able to provide good advice to the OP. It's hard to say if the OP is tired of having every decision she made scrutinized because of the lack of trust by her H. We also don't know how deceptive the OP was while the H was trying to figure out what was happening in the affair. Obviously, having the truth pulled out of the WS make the BS much more suspicious of future motives as opposed to the WS coming clean from the get go.

What I find troubling where the OP may have a legitimate complaint is whether the BH stated that "he now has the golden ticket. It's unclear if the "golden ticket" is his license to do anything he wants in the marriage or if it is the details of the affair to use as leverage if the wife is still trying to hook up with the OM or another AP.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Gads, she wrote a short post. If you feel that WS's needs to include all of that in their first post then by all means talk to the moderators on a form that all WS must fill out so that you are happy with their first post.


No need to fill out a form. I can see a play for sympathy when I see it. You minimize what you did wrong and emphasize what the other person did wrong. Its easy to see. And I can see how an OM might fall for it. The typical "Please save me from my abusive husband" routine. She even admits she's only with him for financial reasons, otherwise she would be gone. She even wants him to rugsweep the affair. 

At least some of the other WSs that come here have some remorse about how they hurt their BS.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> No need to fill out a form. I can see a play for sympathy when I see it. You minimize what you did wrong and emphasize what the other person did wrong. Its easy to see. And I can see how an OM might fall for it. The typical "Please save me from my abusive husband" routine. She even admits she's only with him for financial reasons, otherwise she would be gone. She even wants him to rugsweep the affair.
> 
> At least some of the other WSs that come here have some remorse about how they hurt their BS.


Or maybe after 2 years she only brought up her immediate problem.

But we will most likely never know for sure because the trashing of her has been so harsh. Another person not helped here because people think they can read tea leaves.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Or maybe after 2 years she only brought up her immediate problem.
> 
> But we will most likely never know for sure because the trashing of her has been so harsh. Another person not helped here because people think they can read tea leaves.


If you believe she's the victim here, then that's fine. I find your comparing my analysis of her post to reading tea leaves as a *personal insult when I have done NOTHING to you*.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Or maybe after 2 years she only brought up her immediate problem.
> 
> But we will most likely never know for sure because the trashing of her has been so harsh. Another person not helped here because people think they can read tea leaves.


Ele, you're speculating all of this on one vague post. She hasn't even specified what that control entails. For all we know her BS wants access to her passwords (as we all recommend here), checks her phone regularly (as we all recommend here), forbids her from GNOs (as we recommend here) and constantly checks up on her ( again, as we all recommend here). If we throw the word abusive at anything and everything, it kinda loses its value after a while.

Before we fire up the sympathy train, we should wait for the OP to clarify things


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You know, clearly you're not compassionate about the fact that your husband had to go through a lot of pain, you're not really remorseful. You clearly rugswept the affair and hence your reconciliation was a false one. 

I think the best course of action would be to divorce your husband, not because he's controlling you, but because he deserves better. 

Out yourself to the HR department and file for D. In the long run your husband will be benefited immensely by this because he can move on and find someone who is faithful.

All that you talk about in your lone post is about what he did to you, what he's doing to you. how he's threatening you, how he controls you. Why don't you talk about what you did to him, how you betrayed his trust, how you created the "monster" that he is today, how you slept with the OM, not giving a care about your husband.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Ele, you're speculating all of this on one vague post


So you and the other members. There's simply no info here to come up with the conclusions many of you reached out. I clearly see OP totally minimizes the impact of her affair. It's obvious but it also can be OP was truly remorseful since DDay and her BH just refused to reconcile and chose simply to punish so OP reaching the deep end so decided to come here to check, to get help. It's possible. it happens, every time, we know. We can't simply project our experiences in general with cheaters with so little info.
Ex. Why do we just asume BH's request are the "usual"?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Acabado said:


> So you and the other members. There's simply no info here to come up with the conclusions many of you reached out. I clearly see OP totally minimizes the impact of her affair. It's obvious but it also can be OP was truly remorseful since DDay and her BH just refused to reconcile and chose simply to punish so OP reaching the deep end so decided to come here to check, to get help. It's possible. it happens, every time, we know. We can't simply project our experiences in general with cheaters with so little info.
> Ex. Why do we just asume BH's request are the "usual"?


I'm not speculating anything Acabado. In my first post I asked the OP to expand on her meaning as the word "controlling" is both arbitrary and can be contextually understood. In my second post, I prefixed "for all we know" to further show that her post is vague and so we shouldn't make accusations toward her or her husband. I wasn't making a definitive assessment.

Anyway enough of this threadjack, we should wait for the OP to come back and clarify things.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Without the OP coming back to verify the situation, neither view point can be confirmed so its' moot at this point.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Without the OP coming back to verify the situation, neither view point can be confirmed so its' moot at this point.


True. However I doubt she will come back.

All she did was blame and shame her husband whom she humiliated and hurt and stabbed in the back with a secret affair. 

So, he made a threat about the golden ticket. BS's say a lot of things out of hurt and pain. 

Yes, she needs to explain what is meant by controlling. It's possible he's abusing her, but IMO, if that were the case she would have detailed the abuse. 

Instead she was vague. Asking for passwords and frequent calls from work and knowing whereabouts and curtailing girl's only activities after an affair is not controlling. It is just a normal response to having the wool pulled over your eyes while your supposedly trustworthy spouse is out dropping her panties for some stranger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> If you believe she's the victim here, then that's fine. I find your comparing my analysis of her post to reading tea leaves as a *personal insult when I have done NOTHING to you*.


I'm sorry to get you upset. 

None of us have enough detail at this time to now if her husband is using the affair to now abuse her or if she is balking at the normal things that are required to rebuild trust in a marriage.

Seesaw’s points are right on. Two years after the affair is way too long for this to be going on.

We need more information in order to know what is really going on and to offer any kind of solid feedback.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I'm not speculating anything Acabado. In my first post I asked the OP to expand on her meaning as the word "controlling" is both arbitrary and can be contextually understood...


My latest post was not directed to you. You asked OP the same questions I made early. I hope OP come back to expand about her situation.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> I'm sorry to get you upset.
> 
> None of us have enough detail at this time to now if her husband is using the affair to now abuse her or if she is balking at the normal things that are required to rebuild trust in a marriage.
> 
> ...


Unless of course the pain is still raw. Now if you ask me why the pain would still be raw, trickle truth perhaps, rugsweeping on her end perhaps. 

But you're right we need more info


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I feel for the husband. The poor guy been going through this crap for two years and doesn't have a clue how is WW feels. Not one mention or love or remorse.

The poor guy is tring to hang on to his marriage the only way he knows how...un healthy as it is.

The poor guy doesn't have a clue, but if BH only let her go so that he could find someone that didn't need to be controlled, but appretiated him and stayed with him b/c she wants to not b/c she has to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Ele, you're speculating all of this on one vague post. She hasn't even specified what that control entails. For all we know her BS wants access to her passwords (as we all recommend here), checks her phone regularly (as we all recommend here), forbids her from GNOs (as we recommend here) and constantly checks up on her ( again, as we all recommend here). If we throw the word abusive at anything and everything, it kinda loses its value after a while.
> 
> Before we fire up the sympathy train, we should wait for the OP to clarify things


Yes and before firing a barrage of accusations of her not being remorse full, her making false accusations against her husband and her not doing the things she needs to do to work towards recovery we also need more details. I and others have asked her for more details. 

I did respond to the one major thing she did say ‘He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it.’ That is a sort of disturbing and threatening statement that needs clarification.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Acabado said:


> So you and the other members. There's simply no info here to come up with the conclusions many of you reached out. I clearly see OP totally minimizes the impact of her affair. It's obvious but it also can be OP was truly remorseful since DDay and her BH just refused to reconcile and chose simply to punish so OP reaching the deep end so decided to come here to check, to get help. It's possible. it happens, every time, we know. We can't simply project our experiences in general with cheaters with so little info.
> *Ex. Why do we just asume BH's request are the "usual"?*


I am not projecting anything. I have asked her for more information. 

Yes why would anyone assume from what she siad that the BH's requests are the usual things like transparency? To assume that his requests are 'the usual' or 'unusual' is a leap.

Except for one statement she made... that _'He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it.’ _

That is not a 'usual' statment that a BS would make 2 years after discovery. It's not a 'usual' statement at any time.

A "golden ticket" for what?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I am not projecting anything. I have asked her for more information.
> 
> Yes why would anyone assume from what she siad that the BH's requests are the usual things like transparency? To assume that his requests are 'the usual' or 'unusual' is a leap.
> 
> ...


I normally don't take up for the WS and also I believe that the WS is responsible 100% for any infidelity within the marriage because he/she chose to cheat. However, this "golden ticket" statement looks suspicious. Whenever I see statements made in the threads on this forum about how the WS is going to make it up to the BS, I assume it means that the WS is going to give 100% of himself/herself to the marriage in order to show that the BS is truly loved. Based on what we know, one can't help but think that the BS is using the affair as his license to get away with anything he wants to in the marriage. That is not love - it actually sounds like ******* demanding his pound of flesh. I can understand people being hurt through this ultimate betrayal, but you can't rebuild a marriage on revenge.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I did respond to the one major thing she did say ‘He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it.’ That is a sort of disturbing and threatening statement that needs clarification.


Elle:

BS's make all sorts of threats they likely don't mean. 

Yes, it is unhealthy but not as unhealthy to the marriage as having an affair. 

Is the BH allowed to act in unhealthy ways to the marriage after being stabbed in the back by someone he trusted and loved?

This woman is only blaming without giving details of what specifically she finds controlling. 

Now if he is beating her or locking her in the house, then that is abuse. 

Somehow I don't think he is doing that.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

OK, I am genuinely worried for her and sad that someone, however wrong minded she may or may not be, turned to us for help and now seems to feel unable to post.

Can we say we helped either his or her situation in any way? If we didn't, why are we here?

Just thinking out loud. This forum has done so much for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> OK, I am genuinely worried for her and sad that someone, however wrong minded she may or may not be, turned to us for help and now seems to feel unable to post


Exactly. She came here.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> OK, I am genuinely worried for her and sad that someone, however wrong minded she may or may not be, turned to us for help and now seems to feel unable to post.
> 
> Can we say we helped either his or her situation in any way? If we didn't, why are we here?
> 
> ...


Seesaw:

It's been awhile since she posted and initially many people asked for clarification. 

She refused to clarify. 

Maybe she is hurt, then, too, maybe she realizes the the people here do not consider asking for transparency to be abuse. 

Some MCs do not push for transparency on the part of the cheater and perhaps she has talked to this type of MC.


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## chris6037 (Jul 23, 2012)

Here are a few examples of his requests:

I give him my signed paycheck on Friday. It was direct deposited but he told me write a letter to HR that due to credit problems the bank would no longer let me have an account. He gives me $20 per week spending money and fills my car up with gas once per week. He says this insures him that I am not hiding money.

I am allowed 20 mintues to drive to work and home. If I am going to be late I need to call him and remain on the phone even if we are not talking so he is sure no one is in the car with me. I take my lunch from 12-1. I have to call him on my cell phone again we don't have to talk he just needs to hear whats going on. I am not allowed to leave for lunch. He monitors the mileage on my car. 

I am not allowed to visit the doctor unless he goes in the room with me. I don't get this one but even to my ob/gyn appt which made everyone uncomfortable.

I am not allowed to use the phone if he is not home. He takes our home phone with him when he leaves the house. My cell phone gets turned over when I walk in the front door. I have expressed concern that in an emergency situation with one of our children I have no way to dial 911 he told me to send one of the children across to the neighbors. 

I have a schedule of what should be cleaned and when. He goes over the schedule nightly and checks off whether it has been done or not. 

I have a dress code at work. He does allow me to dress professionally but he purchases all of my clothing now. 

I am allowed to go anywhere alone. I am not allowed to be alone. If he is not going to be home then one of my children need to be here. He will allow me to spend time with my mother but he drops me off there or she picks me up. 

Today involved a perfect example he called my office today. My secretary said I had stepped out. He asked that I return his call. I had went to the copy room. I returned and saw that he had called 9 minutes before. I called him back. He reminded me that he had my boss on speed dial and that if I didn't want him to make a call to him I had better not keep him waiting that long. He made some remarks about what he thought I could have done in that amount of time. He asked me if i thought my son would appreciate hearing the tales of his mothers affiar over dinner that night,

I don't want to go into details about the requests he makes about our intimate life. But saying no to a request is not allowed.

No he was not like this previously but I have found out over the past 2 years that his brother is very controlling of his wife. When we started wearing the same outfit...sweats and t shirts to family functions...it clicked for both of us. 

I just didn't know if this was normal behaviour. I understand his need to punish me I just wonder how long this will last. When I realized today that I had missed his phone call it made me sick to my stomach because I realized the rest of the day was ruined.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This is an abuse situation. Your cheating is no excuse for the abuse he is putting you through. Actually, it is much worse. Why can you not get put of the situation? 

Also what culture(ethnicity) are you from?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Plan you exit from this abuser. What proof does he have of the affair?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

chris6037 said:


> Here are a few examples of his requests:
> 
> I give him my signed paycheck on Friday. It was direct deposited but he told me write a letter to HR that due to credit problems the bank would no longer let me have an account. He gives me $20 per week spending money and fills my car up with gas once per week. He says this insures him that I am not hiding money.
> 
> ...


This is above and beyond normal transparency that the BS needs from the WS in order to ensure healing in a marriage. Not to get into too many details about your sex life, but did you do things with the OM that you refused to do with your husband? If so, that could be one of those things that may have sent him over the edge - especially if he is now making you perform acts for him that you never used to do for him in the past. Honestly, I'm feeling a little out of my depth trying to play armchair psychologist, but this could be the double edges sword that "broke" your husband, i.e. not only did you have sex with another man but you allowed another man to do things with you that you refused to do with your husband. It's the only thing that I can come up with that may have caused him to become unhinged.

Seriously, you need to leave this situation right now for your own safety and for the kids. He needs to get some sort of professional help to sort through these issues. I think you "broke" him and he needs to have professionals put him back together. Just now, my daughter came into the office to give me a hug before she went to bed. Why people fail to think about how so many things can be ruined by an affair is beyond me. I seriously hope that your husband isn't ruined for life and that your kids don't end up ruined over this for a period of time too. That would be a real shame.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's abusing you. I don't need details of our affiar, I don't give a sh1t if you displayed a huge amount of remorse or whether you gave sh1t about him. Whatever you did whas out of lack of self respect and poor boundaires. Time to change it. Two years out it's obvious he doesn't want a marriage, he wants another thing.
Talk to a lawyer. Bluff the blackmail by sharing with HR. Take that risk. Then start your exit plan, starting with your paycheck, then filing. If you ever loved your husband it's obvioous you don't love him anymore, who could? He could be a nice guy before, he isn't anymore.
Start a plan.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to call his bluff. If he did go to HR, would you really be fired? Especially if it was 2 years ago. 

If he did get you fired and your divorced him, could you get alimoney and child support until you find a new job?

You don't need to live like a slave. Transparency is one thing but he's got you inprissoned in you own life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Chris, 
While two years is normal, the things you have listed are not. I waited to see if you would come back before posting. 

1. Talk to your boss and tell what happened two years ago. Tell your boss what your husband is threatening to do. In doing so, your boss will have the advantage to do damage control in the event that your husband chooses to follow through.

2. Start searching for a new job in case your boss considers you to be a liability in this situation. This will also help you toward becoming independent of your abusive husband.

3. GET OUT! Once you have this all in place, get out. Yes, I know you cheated on him. But the things you described are NOT normal for transparency. Get out of this abusive relationship. Talk to your mom about it. Tell her EVERYTHING. See if she can come up with a way to help you, even if it is getting your resume in order and sending it out for you or searching for affordable housing for you and the kids. But get out.

Yes, transparency is a normal request after cheating... but this goes way beyond that.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

woah!!
Why after two years is he still using this against you. He obviously hasnt forgiven you.
He shouldnt keep it over your head if you are changing yourself from that time and shown him you can be trusted.
He is very controlling to use things agasint you.
Let me ask you, would you rather loose your job and make less money somewhere else and loose a crazy control freak, or stay with your control freak,work your job and be miserable and scared everytime you turn your back?
If you are not comfortable in your home with him there when you guys go out or do anything, even so much as talk on the phone. thats a very good que to get the H*ll outta there. Reminds me of the moive Enough.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Chris, the punishment that your husband is meting out certainly doesn't fit the crime. 

Another poster was being blackmailed by his wife and just about everyone suggested that he tell the secret to his family (at the risk of being disowned.) Well, he did and they didn't. Please go to HR and tell them about the affair. Also, you might want to share with them the fact that your husband is blackmailing you. I would bet money that they will not fire you.

In addition, if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), you should definitely use it to get some counseling. You are seriously being abused by your bully of a husband.

The quicker you get away from him the better off you'll both be.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> woah!!
> Why after two years is he still using this against you. He obviously hasnt forgiven you.
> He shouldnt keep it over your head if you are changing yourself from that time and shown him you can be trusted.
> He is very controlling to use things agasint you.
> ...


Reminds me of the movie 'The Burning Bed'. 

(To be clear, I'm not trying to give the OP any ideas.)


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

keko said:


> The logic? Maybe it's triggering him?


This is what I was thinking. When my Spouse even considered going back to work for the company were the affair took place, even though the OW was not working there. It was opening up old wounds. 

I flew off the handle just for him considering it. Having to look, think or mention that place daily will re-trigger me DAILY. Seeing the pay check with the company name on it WEEKLY will re-trigger me. 

Honestly I just feel like if he hadnt worked there he wouldnt had meet her nor the affair would had occured. Might be the wrong way of thinking but hey triggers are triggers you dont ask for them nor seek them out. But you also dont know what will cause them. And you try everything in your power to AVOID the things you know that will cause them. And the workplace that it occured at is a BIGGY!!!!!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

chris6037 said:


> Here are a few examples of his requests:
> 
> I give him my signed paycheck on Friday. It was direct deposited but he told me write a letter to HR that due to credit problems the bank would no longer let me have an account. He gives me $20 per week spending money and fills my car up with gas once per week. He says this insures him that I am not hiding money.
> 
> ...


Obviously you haven't earned your husbands trust, you might want to focus on how to earn that rather then continuing to work at the place where you had your affair. 

You must have though about some consequence's when you were cheating, haven't you?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Oh my goodness. First let me say this. I am sorry for what you are going through. And now since I read your post and the replies. Let me just say this. (I understand I need to be punished for my affair) NO you dont get punished. Sorry you just dont. You do try to be transparent and considerate of you Husbands feeling and emotions and you may have to had gone the extra mile to help him to feel comfortable with what has happened. And to express love for him. BUT YOU GO THAT EXTRA MILE. NOT AN EXTRA MILLINON MILES. Really this is just wrong, you made a mistake you have been trying to make amends for it. But you do not get punished for it and allow yourself to become his doggy on leash and get whacked for having an accident. He is going to far with it..Godbless you girl, you have went from being his wife to being his puppet. Thats just wrong. 

Please stay with us here on TAM, you would be suprised what help you may recieve. Yes at first you seemed to get Bashed her on Tam as-well but it wasnt personal. People here Like my self is the one who has been cheated on we know how it feels but we also know the REALISTIC request we have asked our spoused to try to make our marriage work. Please dont run off from here. Take the time to just hang around, post and listen to others advice and stories of what they have been through. Look I am just being honest. Yes you cheated, most of us are the ones that have been cheated on. Others on here are the cheaters. You will get advice from both sides of the equation. And it sounds like to me. Hun, you need it something aweful!! If it does get a little harsh here, TRUST me it is one of two reasons. It is either one, somone is still fired up from being hurt by a cheater and it is not directly to you but the situation of a cheater. Two it is somthing you need to hear and it will be told like it needs to be told but it is to help you...

Dont get upset and run if you need advice it is here on TAM if you want it. BUT YOU SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED.. THAT IS JUST PLAN WRONG!!!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

keko said:


> Obviously you haven't earned your husbands trust, you might want to focus on how to earn that rather then continuing to work at the place where you had your affair.
> 
> You must have though about some consequence's when you were cheating, haven't you?


Keko, I'm usually one of the last people to be defending a wayward spouse. However, this goes beyond what's normal for reconciliation. What her husband is doing to her in not healthy for either one of them. Quite frankly, he doesn't appear to be a very nice guy. Is his current the behavior the cause or effect of her affair? I dare say it doesn't really matter. What matters is that she is NOT his property and if he can't treat her with respect (regardless of what she has done) then he needs to let her go and move on with his life.

Edit: Some of you guys rightly or wrongly believe that her choosing to continue to work where she works MIGHT be a trigger for her husband. I don't think this is the case -- but if it is, why hasn't he asked her to quit?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,
Losing your job would not be as bad as the hell you currently are in. How much evidence does he have. I agree with most of the current recommendations

1. Let your family and support network know of your mistakes and the ridiculous hoops he has put you through for 2 years.

2. Use your EAP at work if you feel comfortable. If you thbnk it would not be confidential, don't do it.

3. I would not tell anyone at the office. If he does make a call, deny

4. I think I would file and than serve him. Than, if you want, you can place your own demands

5. A return to the MC might help you, personally. But, I would get out.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Obviously you haven't earned your husbands trust, you might want to focus on how to earn that rather then continuing to work at the place where you had your affair.
> 
> You must have though about some consequence's when you were cheating, haven't you?


Keko,
Ordinarily, I would agree... but this time? No. Her husband is going beyond the normal transparency and accountability. Not allowing the home phone to remain at the house when he leaves? Are you kidding me? Calling her at work and expecting she will be available to speak to him at any time he calls? ANY time? Seriously? It is WORK. Taking her paycheck? And the doctor visit thing? No. She does NOT have to have him in the room. I don't have to have my husband in the room. Male doctors have female nurses step into the room if there is concern for propriety.

Yes, there are consequences to having an affair. What this man is doing are beyond that.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Look guys, I dont think she will be able to post like most people. You know us FREE people. If her husband is like she is saying he is than she wont be able to post on TAM to often since he controlls her every move. NO he controlls her every breath!!!! 

I dont like this situation at all. Yes my Husband cheated but for heavens sake I would never treat him like he is MY PROPERTY.. 

Yes she made a mistake, but for heavens sake she is a HUMAN BEING..
I think we all just got to wait it out and hope she CAN find away to come back on TAM and post. 

Put away all the feelings that most of us have in us that she is the cheater and focuse on the fact that she is a person that does seem to need some help/advice. Here on Tam she can get that from both sides of the fence. No need to BASH her for being the cheater. I think she is well aware of what she did.... 

I just got a bad feeling that she may not be able to post on here like we do. At least we all got the free will to do that when we want. Somthing it seems she may no have.. How can anyone think this is RIGHT!!! Cheater or not!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Keko,
> Ordinarily, I would agree... but this time? No. Her husband is going beyond the normal transparency and accountability. Not allowing the home phone to remain at the house when he leaves? Are you kidding me? Calling her at work and expecting she will be available to speak to him at any time he calls? ANY time? Seriously? It is WORK. Taking her paycheck? And the doctor visit thing? No. She does NOT have to have him in the room. I don't have to have my husband in the room. Male doctors have female nurses step into the room if there is concern for propriety.
> 
> Yes, there are consequences to having an affair. What this man is doing are beyond that.


I agree and this might just be the tip of it all. She mentioned about the sexual situation but would not eloborate. There is no tell the kind of hell she is going through. And like I said I just dont think she can post like the rest of us. She may have to be sneaking just to do that. Really think about that for a second, she has to sneak to get help for her situation. Really, I know I would feel so low and desperate. If I really felt like I needed help/advice and had to sneak around just to get it. Think about that for a minute....


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

sad sad:/


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

bkaydezz said:


> sad sad:/


Time to bring out the ankle monitor.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

TBT said:


> Time to bring out the ankle monitor.


Ankle monitor, sounds like she could be so lucky. For her it seems more like he would have a micro-chip in-planted in her A** like people do with there dogs... 

It just seems so horriable.. No one desreves to live like that NO ONE...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Ankle monitor, sounds like she could be so lucky. For her it seems more like he would have a micro-chip in-planted in her A** like people do with there dogs...
> 
> It just seems so horriable.. No one desreves to live like that NO ONE...


:iagree:

I was just being a little facetious as it sometimes stuns me how others are treated,because I know I would never allow myself to be treated in those ways.Not to excuse the OP's infidelity,but what's going on here is not healing a marriage.jmo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chris,

I’m very glad that you returned and answered our questions. You definitely need help. What your husband is doing is abuse. He’s controlling you and using threats to do it.

Is he physically abusive? Doe he pushes, grab or shove you? Throw things at you or around the house? Does he hit you? Pull hair, etc etc?

As others have stated, he’s level of control is way over the top. One of the issues with the level of control that he is imposing is that if you express any level of independence he could escalate to physical abuse if he has not already. 

His taking your pay check and not allowing you money and say into how your income is spent & saved is called economic abuse. You have basically been turned into his slave. 

By the way, I can understand your fear of him calling HR and you losing your job. IT’s the one thing you have that will allow you to escape. And in this economic environment, those of us who still have jobs do not give them up easily.

Please call your local battered woman’s shelter. Hopefully you can do this from work. Tell them what is going on. These shelters will often go out of their way to help a woman (or man) in a situation like the one you are in. They might very well send someone to your work place for counseling since you have no freedom to leave. They will also pick people up to bring them for counseling. Please call at least one of them for help. 

You need what is called an exit plan. 

1. If you have not already, tell your mother or a trusted friend what is going on.
2. Find a way to defuse your husband’s threat for your job. 

How much hard evidence does he have? Could you just deny it to HR? Or does he have proof that could damage you?
Start letting him know when he is threatening you that he does care if you cannot support yourself and the children because he will be giving you spousal and child support to a very high level if you do not have a job.
Talk to some attorneys and the battered woman’s shelter, both will do phone consolations so be sure to tell them that you cannot go see them right now and why.
[*]About his threats to ruin you and your job if you do not comply with his unreasonable demands. There could very well be some crimes going on here:
[*]Extortion... if you do not hand your paycheck over to him he will ruin you and get you fired.
[*]False imprisonment…He controls your every movement with threats of ruining you and getting you fired.
[*]An attorney will tell you if you can get a judge to have an emergency hearing to put a gag on your husband so that he will face some hefty consequences if he follows through with his threats.​
Many attorneys give a free consultation. I’ve found that calling several of them for free consolations can help a lot. Also doing this could help you find an attorney to represent you. Tell the attorney(s) of your husband’s threats to call HR. Many battered women’s shelters can refer you to attorneys who specialize in this area of law.
3. Talk to an attorney about your rights in divorce.

Ask for an emergency hearing to gag your husband with heavy penalties if he tries to ruin your job.
Restraining order and an order to get him out of the family home due to his abusive behavior.
Order for him to immediately provide you with 50% of the community cash assets so that you can live.
Order for interim spousal if you make significantly less than he does.
Order for interim child custody (you want 100%) with him getting supervised visitation and child support.
4. Finances and personal affairs

You will need bank accounts. If there is any way that you mom or anyone else can help you with the logistics of this do it now. If not just plan to do it the day you leave your husband. Plan to leave him on a payday. Get your check, go straight to a bank and use the check to open an account. 
Get copies of every piece of financial and personal documentation that you can. If need be put some every day in your purse, get copies at work and store the copies at work. You will need this be make sure you get your share of community assets. Make sure you get copies of your children’s birth certificates, your husband’s, social security cards, etc.
See if you mom will help you open up a PO Box near where you work. Or can you have personal mail come to your work? This way One thing that I did was to rent a small storage space and I started to move my small valuables, copies of important papers, etc to that storage space. You might not be able to do that right now because your money is controlled. But maybe you can do that at your mom’s.
Some links for domestic abuse/violence


National domestic violence Hotline Safety Planning « National Domestic Violence Hotline


Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship


Making Escape Plans Before Domestic Violence or Abuse Occurs - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It could be something else you know..

If you look at this post as someone who is activly in an affair then it makes sense. Blame shifting. Controlling, No remorse. All about her. 



> I give him my signed paycheck on Friday. It was direct deposited but he told me write a letter to HR that due to credit problems the bank would no longer let me have an account. He gives me $20 per week spending money and fills my car up with gas once per week. He says this insures him that I am not hiding money.


Did you hide a lot of money? How long did the affair go on?




> I am allowed 20 mintues to drive to work and home. If I am going to be late I need to call him and remain on the phone even if we are not talking so he is sure no one is in the car with me. I take my lunch from 12-1. I have to call him on my cell phone again we don't have to talk he just needs to hear whats going on. I am not allowed to leave for lunch. He monitors the mileage on my car.


Did you meet the OM after work? Did you spend a lot of time on the phone when you were in the affair while you were in the car?




> I am not allowed to visit the doctor unless he goes in the room with me. I don't get this one but even to my ob/gyn appt which made everyone uncomfortable.


Did you contract an STD wit the OM? Did you see this Doctor about it?



> I am not allowed to use the phone if he is not home. He takes our home phone with him when he leaves the house. My cell phone gets turned over when I walk in the front door. I have expressed concern that in an emergency situation with one of our children I have no way to dial 911 he told me to send one of the children across to the neighbors.


Did you spend a lot of time on the phone? Would you call the OM now if you thought you could get away with it?

How long was this affair going and how did he discover it? 



> I have a schedule of what should be cleaned and when. He goes over the schedule nightly and checks off whether it has been done or not.


Did you meet the OM at your house? 



> I have a dress code at work. He does allow me to dress professionally but he purchases all of my clothing now.


Did you start wearing different clothes when you were having the affair. How long was the affair? Was it a PA?



> I am allowed to go anywhere alone. I am not allowed to be alone. If he is not going to be home then one of my children need to be here. He will allow me to spend time with my mother but he drops me off there or she picks me up.


Did you spend a lot of time with the OM? Do you think he might be thinking it is still going on?



> Today involved a perfect example he called my office today. My secretary said I had stepped out. He asked that I return his call. I had went to the copy room. I returned and saw that he had called 9 minutes before. I called him back. He reminded me that he had my boss on speed dial and that if I didn't want him to make a call to him I had better not keep him waiting that long. He made some remarks about what he thought I could have done in that amount of time. He asked me if i thought my son would appreciate hearing the tales of his mothers affiar over dinner that night,


He does not believe the affair is over



> I don't want to go into details about the requests he makes about our intimate life. But saying no to a request is not allowed.


Did you do things with the OM that you would never do with him for 18 years?



> No he was not like this previously but I have found out over the past 2 years that his brother is very controlling of his wife. When we started wearing the same outfit...sweats and t shirts to family functions...it clicked for both of us.


Can you explain this a bit. Who is the US you are talking about?



> I just didn't know if this was normal behaviour. I understand his need to punish me I just wonder how long this will last. When I realized today that I had missed his phone call it made me sick to my stomach because I realized the rest of the day was ruined.


Okay. That was all very awful, but it seems to me that most of the requests revolve around accountability. Some are probably triggers and some are plain dumb, but in two years he feels NO SAFER than he did on day one. Is it because you are still in contact with the OM, or would be if you thought you could get away with it? 
Is it because you rug swept this and is anger is turning up late. 
HE needs to get into IC for him. and you too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ing said:


> Okay. That was all very awful, but it seems to me that most of the requests revolve around accountability. Some are probably triggers and some are plain dumb, but in two years he feels NO SAFER than he did on day one. Is it because you are still in contact with the OM, or would be if you thought you could get away with it?
> Is it because you rug swept this and is anger is turning up late.
> HE needs to get into IC for him. and you too.


He is not requesting anything. He is demanding and forcing her to comply.

I think you miss an important point here. She wants a divorce. She does not want to stay with him. She has a right to get a divorce. But he threatens to distory your job and career if she gets a divorce.

A BS (or any other spouse) does not have the right to force, via threats, to keep their spouse from divorcing them.

They also do not have the right to withhold all but $20 a paycheck from the person who earns the money. It's called slavery to force a person to work and confescate their income via threats.

No spouse has the right to control the other spouse. 

He can set boundaries and limitations that of what he willing to live with.She then has the moral and legal rigth to decide if she will stay and live the the boundaries.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

This is abuse, pure and simple. Nobody, but nobody treats another person like this. The affair is totally irrelevant to what happens now. In the same way that a WS cannot blame their partner for the affair, your husband cannot blame you for the abuse. 

Your affair did not cause him to act like this and it does not justify it. 

If you are physically frightened of him then you need to get away as soon as possible.

If you are not physically scared of him then you need to sit down and have a conversation about how to get a 'normal' marriage back - if that is what you want. It may be you can't get that and have to split. If you want divorce and are not physically scared then tell him that, be strong and go ahead.

The stuff about work will not be as bad as you might think. As others have said, talk to HR or your boss and explain what is happening.

My view, you need an exit strategy. Most of all, you do not deserve this.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He is not requesting anything. He is demanding and forcing her to comply.
> 
> I think you miss an important point here. She wants a divorce. She does not want to stay with him. She has a right to get a divorce. But he threatens to distory your job and career if she gets a divorce.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but I don't buy it. An affair that was two years ago and the AP has moved on and she is scared of losing her job?

I think there is more to this than we are being told. This behavior of a BS who is combating an Active affair, and not one that ended two years ago. If it is really over then the OP is not really telling us anything. Divorce and suffer the consequences. That is the cost of an affair.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Chris, he has been envious of the control his brother has over his wife, and is using your A to live that way too.

YOU, have some decisions to make as of yesterday. Stay or GO. The posters have advised you to go to HR yesterday. DO THIS !!! Talk to your boss YESTERDAY !!! Talk to your Mom YESTERDAY !!!
This is not a healthy situtiations, and I feel he will only get worst. Do you want your son growing up with this as an example of marriage. This is almost as bad as what the taliban was doing to women.
Do you think he will attack you if you start packing his sh*t??
Well talk to your kids 1st., call the cops and give him his walking papers. Just tell them you are in fear of your life, after your husband found out you had an A.
But since you have been able to endure for 2 yrs, hold out until you have done the things the posters advised. Then shock the sh*t out of this bully.
Now, this is coming from a PRO D her as* Lobo !!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

ing said:


> I'm sorry but I don't buy it. An affair that was two years ago and the AP has moved on and she is scared of losing her job?
> 
> I think there is more to this than we are being told. This behavior of a BS who is combating an Active affair, and not one that ended two years ago. If it is really over then the OP is not really telling us anything. Divorce and suffer the consequences. That is the cost of an affair.


I actually agree that there is a more to this than we are being told - I know, there ususally is.

But we know absolutely nothing about the situation that released this "controle scheme". We do not have the BS version of this.

Suppose two years have gone by with repeat contact and the affair thriving underground while OP states "I will do whatever it takes... etc." The lies maybe continued on and on for all we know.

Now, if this verification is necessary for OP's husband, and OP doesn't like it, divorce is the obvious consequence. And I don't see any reason why this should be so difficult - it OP's statements stand alone and can be taken at face value, that is.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

KanDo said:


> 3. I would not tell anyone at the office. If he does make a call, deny


On reflection, this looks good. An affair two years ago with someone who left?! Problem sorted. If you have done a good job for two years and if I were your boss I would not even ask other than to say he called and as far as I am concerned I have no need to investigate or take it further.

Personally, I would not deny, I would just claim the 5th.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

ing said:


> I'm sorry but I don't buy it. An affair that was two years ago and the AP has moved on and she is scared of losing her job?
> 
> I think there is more to this than we are being told. This behavior of a BS who is combating an Active affair, and not one that ended two years ago. If it is really over then the OP is not really telling us anything. Divorce and suffer the consequences. That is the cost of an affair.


Ing, there's always more than we're being told. But do we want posters writing gigantic tomes to describe their situations? I personally don't like excessively long posts myself.

In addition, what does she have to gain by embellishing her situation? Obviously, it would be nice to hear her husband's side. However, most normal people would just divorce instead of punishing their wayward spouse the way that Chris' husband is doing her. 

Trust me, there were (and still are) times when I want to hurt my ex wife emotionally for breaking up our family. But like her affairs -- this is pure fantasy on my part.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

You need to do what you should have done in lieu of having the sleazy affair. Get a divorce. If your children are minors, I can assure you that the courts will see to it he either has to pay fully for their support, or, if you still are employed, pay partially.
What he is doing is "getting even" which shouldn't surprise you in the least.
However, your marriage is a dead horse and the longer you try to ride it, the more the odor coming from it will become unbearable.
You chose this path, and if you don't now like it, you need to move on.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. 

Still, we are only getting YOUR side of the story. 

I don't know why your husband still refused to trust you after two years. Perhaps he has good reason, perhaps he has post infidelity PTSD and it has become entrenched due to trickle truth regarding your affair. 

I don't know. 

But truly, if you are unhappy, and you have a good job, what is keeping you married to him. 

On the surface his actions do seem abusive, "seem" being the important word. 

Still, I am confused about why you stay with him given you have such good job?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Well Sara from what I get out of it. That is the one thing he is holding her hostage with. He will tell her employer and get her fired. So then what is she supposed to do? In this economy if you have a job HOLD on to it for dear life because there just isnt another one waiting in the wings. I would be terrified also........

I agree we are getting one side of the story, but like I said I dont think she can post to often if he is controlling her ever breath like she described. Just got to wait it out and hope she comes back OR CAN can back.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Chris what were the details of the affair? Did your husband find out recently about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JB100 said:


> Could this be a troll topic? How the hell is Chris even able to access the internet?


Chris works for a living. She probably has a computer at work. 

She also visits her mother sometimes. Maybe her mother lets her use a computer.



JB100 said:


> Her husband would probably think she is contacting her lover. I guess she could just sneak on but then her sneakiness is what got her into trouble in the first place.


If what she is telling us is true, then if she has to be sneaky to get out of the abusive situation she's in... she needs to be sneaky.

Sneaky is not always wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Chris what were the details of the affair? Did your husband find out recently about it?


He found out about the affair 2 years ago from what she has said.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He controls everything I do. He says he can't help that I handed him "the golden ticket" when I had the affair and anyone would use it if they had it.


That's the key, that's BH's POV about what R, about what a marriage looks like. The details OP gave support this. I'm sure it's actually worse. She's not sure whether it's normal or excesive, she lost perspective due the boiling frog effect. That's why she came to a infidelity site full of wounded BSs.
Being BS doesn't imply they are nice people automatically. There are bad/unhealthy people out there who just happens were betrayed. They normally take adventage of this to go deeper in their dysfunctional ways. This man doesn't want even a loving, faithfull wife or a healthy fulfiling marriage, he want's a slave. *He got the golden ticket*. She obviously can love him either.


I encourage OP to keep coming here and posting, venting, detaling (if it helps her). I'm also interested (not helathy I know) in the affiar detials, duration, intensity, aftermath (False R?).

Anyway given the actual situation she needs an exit plan. Other considerations are irrelevant at this point.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Acabado said:


> That's the key, that's BH's POV about what R, about what a marriage looks like. The details OP gave support this. I'm sure it's actually worse. She's not sure whether it's normal or excesive, she lost perspective due the boiling frog effect. That's why she came to a infidelity site full of wounded BSs.
> Being BS doesn't imply they are nice people automatically. There are bad/unhealthy people out there who just happens were betrayed. They normally take adventage of this to go deeper in their dysfunctional ways. This man doesn't want even a loving, faithfull wife or a healthy fulfiling marriage, he want's a slave. *He got the golden ticket*. She obviously can love him either.
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly that. Very well said indeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

TRUE DEFINITION of a controlling MAN:
One who refuses to let his woman CONTROL HIM.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OP, what keeps you with your husband?

You hate and despise him.

You have no regret for your affair.

You obviously have enough of a job to keep you afloat alone. Personal secretary, dress code, all that s*it.

He, per your side of story, is an abusive, controlling jerk.

Why exactly you are still not divorced? Your story doesn't add up.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You're a cheater and your husband is mentally ill. I pity you both.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

She hasnt returned I am assuming?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'm surprised you'd cheat on a man with his personality. Usually women in controlling and abusive relationships hardly stray given their constant fear of their spouse. Such women are actually more likely to stay committed because of that fear. 

I agree with ing, I want to hear the H's side.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

His behavior is extremely controlling. He is using your affair as an excuse to punish you. Yes, you screwed up royally. However, you should not be punished for it until he feels he's put you in your place for shaming him -- and that's what it looks like to me. This sounds less like marriage and more like slavery. I think you should leave him. And get some therapy to figure out how to handle boundaries because I suspect this will be at the core of both your affair and your willingness to tolerate his punishment of you in this way. What are your children learning from the way he treats you and you him? Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Don't stay in it out of guilt and self punishment if you are unhappy.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I'm surprised you'd cheat on a man with his personality. Usually women in controlling and abusive relationships hardly stray given their constant fear of their spouse. Such women are actually more likely to stay committed because of that fear.
> 
> I agree with ing, I want to hear the H's side.


She did say he wasn't like this before the affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

snap said:


> OP, what keeps you with your husband?
> 
> You hate and despise him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The OP has made some outlandish claims, I'm surprised the OP didn't post that her husband makes her chew his food for him or makes her wipe his ass or something. It's almost exactly what I expected. If he is so controlling, he'd password lock the computer so she wouldn't be able to go on the internet and contact her OM. In fact, he wouldn't let her work at all. Her husband would have to be unemployed to do all this over the top monitoring and controlling. Damn right the story doesn't add up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I'm surprised you'd cheat on a man with his personality. Usually women in controlling and abusive relationships hardly stray given their constant fear of their spouse. Such women are actually more likely to stay committed because of that fear.
> 
> I agree with ing, I want to hear the H's side.


I asked if he was like this before the affair. Chris said that he was not. If this is what is going on, I think that her husband snapped after finding out about the affiar.

We'd all love to hear both sides of the story.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You need to call his bluff. If he did go to HR, would you really be fired? Especially if it was 2 years ago.
> 
> If he did get you fired and your divorced him, could you get alimoney and child support until you find a new job?
> 
> ...


^ This

Tell him go ahead and call your boss, and if he does, and you get fired you'll divorce his ass and he'll be paying you support since you lost your job for reasons beyond your own control.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Complexity
> I'm surprised you'd cheat on a man with his personality. Usually women in controlling and abusive relationships hardly stray given their constant fear of their spouse. Such women are actually more likely to stay committed because of that fear.
> I agree with ing, I want to hear the H's side.





larry.gray said:


> She did say he wasn't like this before the affair.


larry gary is right. But beyond that I strongly disagree with Complexity. This idea wives in abusive relationship don't cheat out of fear is simply untruth, a myth. The mere fact they are in abusive relationships reflects the lack of proper internal boundaires (Whether they lacked of them before the abuse or whether is due the boiling frog effect is irrelevant). Seeking a KISA is even natural, a stronger fuel than the fear of abuse, they get used to it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

More about that myth. We have here a member who used to beat the pulp out of her wife, often. She was a serial cheater. Both were abusive.


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