# Ex is trying to get back in my life



## Rawbin (10 mo ago)

Me (24M) and her (27F) were in relationship from last 4 years. She is from a very conservative family and only allows marriage under their religion/cast. We fell in love in college 4 years ago and in hopes with time her parents will accept me and will agree to marriage. We were having fantastic relationship mentally and physically. Within these years i asked her several times to tell her parents about our relationship as my family knows everything and also accepted her to marry me. She was always worried and scared to tell her parents about us. The time has come i confronted her last time if she is asking her parents or not and she refused saying they wont agree and she dont want to tell about us and spoil their reputation.

I went to another city and met a girl and started a new relationship. I fell in love with her and i can say my new girlfriend is the best person i ever met she is much supportive, lovely, even her parents know about me and agree for marriage in coming future if we guys are ready to continue the relation.

Its been 4 months now that i am with my new girlfriend and in these month my EX has called/ texted me and cried hundreds of times because she is stuck between her parents and me. Within these 4 months she was still not ready to giveup on her parents but today i got a call from her saying she is exhausted herself so much thinking about our memories and our lovely relationship we had and will stay single until her parents agree for her to marry me.

I need advise about me that what should i do, as My new girlfriend and her family loves me so much and I can see a better future with her… still there is a part of me thinking that i spent 4 years with my EX and i am leaving her.

Mentally i know she still cares for her parents and dont want to loose them and i dont want to become the reason for her to loose her parents and she will regret later and will curse me my whole life.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wouldn’t take back a woman that didn’t love me enough to publicly introduce me to her family and friends. If you love your new gf, why are you even considering it?

I can see you are from a different culture than I am, but in this case—— the basics are simple. If she loved you like you loved her…… she’d have made plans for your future. She didn’t.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I would stand by your decision.
You have moved on, there is no reason to turn backward.
Your exGF chose parents over you, so this is the consequence of that.

And you are right, the future would always be difficult where her parents are concerned.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You are worried about the sunk cost -- you were with her for 4 years.
BUT DATING is a test of compatibility and she failed it. 
You already said your new GF fits you better, is better to you, and you see a better future with her.
I think you have your answer.

Just tell the ex that you have moved on and are dating someone else. You hope she has a great life with someone who is more compatible with her and her family.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are still very young. Keep your options open and let go of her.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It sounds like the relationship with the ex is always going to be fraught with drama. The current gf doesn’t have all that baggage. The ex is unlikely to ever completely resolve her family issues. You and she are probably better off parting ways.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your new girlfriend isn’t embarrassed of you.

There is nothing else to say


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Block her on all communication. There would always be an issue there. Life’s too short to waste it on something like this.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You cannot keep one foot in both relationships. You need to cut ties with old girlfriend if you value your new relationship. And by the way, is she aware your ex is reaching out to you and doing all of this? I would think that would put a big strain on a relationship? If she really is that awesome, try and give it a chance to work out. Be honest with her about your ex reachig out to you, and you deciding to cut things off, if that is what you want. But you can't continue on as you are.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Why would you dig through the trash when you have something great already?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I wonder what your new GF would say if she knew what's on your mind?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Rawbin, I spent YEARS with many boyfriends who were very wrong for me; they didn't treat me very well, and one of them wanted to keep me a secret from everyone in his life. It was an awful feeling, and one that I can tell you isn't worth it. It's HARD to find someone that is right for you, and when you do, I say that you should hang onto her like a pup to a root. Your XGF wasn't willing to make your relationship a priority, and she kept you hidden. And here's a thought: what if she were to tell her parents about you, and they said that they wouldn't accept you? Do you think she'll actually go against her parents? Nope, she won't. You're far better off to stay with a woman who loves you and accepts and respects you, and who doesn't hide you from everyone in her life. That's the opposite of love and respect. Will it work out? Who knows. But it chances are real slim that it would work out with your XGF.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rawbin said:


> Me (24M) and her (27F) were in relationship from last 4 years. She is from a very conservative family and only allows marriage under their religion/cast. We fell in love in college 4 years ago and in hopes with time her parents will accept me and will agree to marriage. We were having fantastic relationship mentally and physically. Within these years i asked her several times to tell her parents about our relationship as my family knows everything and also accepted her to marry me. She was always worried and scared to tell her parents about us. The time has come i confronted her last time if she is asking her parents or not and she refused saying they wont agree and she dont want to tell about us and spoil their reputation.
> 
> I went to another city and met a girl and started a new relationship. I fell in love with her and i can say my new girlfriend is the best person i ever met she is much supportive, lovely, even her parents know about me and agree for marriage in coming future if we guys are ready to continue the relation.
> 
> ...


Truth is she is trying to keep both of you, and if her parents were decent people, that would be possible, but it's true sometimes family alienates you if you go against THEIR beliefs. Happened to a friend of mine who left to pursue a great career instead of getting pregnant at 16 and staying home taking care of babies the rest of her life. Her family abandoned her, except her criminal brother would try to guilt her into giving him money in between jail stints. 

She has to decide whether to be miserable with a spouse not really of her choosing or to be miserable without her parents. That isn't something YOU should compromise on. If you have a decent life going now with someone else, hang onto it because seems like she's too afraid to be on her own without her parents.

And as hard as it may be, once you decide you love someone else enough to make a life with them, you need to let this one know you want no further contact, because staying in contact with her will erode any new relationships you have. Either this one needs to be willing to choose you over her parents and take the chance they don't speak to her again or she needs to clear out once you find someone else.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Ursula said:


> @Rawbin, I spent YEARS with many boyfriends who were very wrong for me; they didn't treat me very well, and one of them wanted to keep me a secret from everyone in his life. It was an awful feeling, and one that I can tell you isn't worth it. It's HARD to find someone that is right for you, and when you do, I say that you should hang onto her like a pup to a root. Your XGF wasn't willing to make your relationship a priority, and she kept you hidden. And here's a thought: what if she were to tell her parents about you, and they said that they wouldn't accept you? Do you think she'll actually go against her parents? Nope, she won't. You're far better off to stay with a woman who loves you and accepts and respects you, and who doesn't hide you from everyone in her life. That's the opposite of love and respect. Will it work out? Who knows. But it chances are real slim that it would work out with your XGF.


Plus OP would have to deal with his disgruntled inlaws for the rest of his married life. Not a recipe for a successful relationship.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Quad73 said:


> Plus OP would have to deal with his disgruntled inlaws for the rest of his married life. Not a recipe for a successful relationship.


And that's IF they didn't cut her off. And then they'd try to take over and impose their traditions and beliefs on their children. Nope.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’s usually a good reason when someone‘s an ex and that reason rarely resolves the next time around.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You need to know who you are and what your value is. 

Once you know this it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and you don't go seeking it from others.

Your ex doesn't know her own value so how in the world was she ever going to see it and value you?

Her validation came from her parents. So much so that she was willing to kick you to the curb in order to make her parents happy. Again she doesn't know who she is and instead of valuing herself (and what makes her happy) she'll tow the line and put her desires secondary. 

She's going to be miserable and better you found this out and moved on.

That you're now wondering if you're doing the right thing? Come on now. Yes it hurts to lose someone you care about but see it for what it was and don't look back!!

ALWAYS know your value and never put it in someone else's hands to determine it.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And that's IF they didn't cut her off. And then they'd try to take over and impose their traditions and beliefs on their children. Nope.


You can never escape toxic parents. Yikes, he has a better life now, why go backwards?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are 4 months into a relationship with a lady you love and whose parents really like you. Why are you even still in contact with your ex? Does she know you have someone new? 
Please stop all contact with her, you should have moved on and it's not fair on the new lady.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have a great new relationship. Why would you want to go back to the same old problems? In all this time she was never ready to talk to mom & dad. Odds are she never will be. 

You already broke up & moved. Just cut her loose. She doesn't love you enough to cut the ties with the parents. More time won't change that.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If feeling like second class trash gets you hot and bothered then go right ahead.

Go back and read what @Ursula wrote. Nothing like the voice of experience.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @Rawbin, I spent YEARS with many boyfriends who were very wrong for me; they didn't treat me very well, and one of them wanted to keep me a secret from everyone in his life. It was an awful feeling, and one that I can tell you isn't worth it. It's HARD to find someone that is right for you, and when you do, I say that you should hang onto her like a pup to a root. Your XGF wasn't willing to make your relationship a priority, and she kept you hidden. And here's a thought: what if she were to tell her parents about you, and they said that they wouldn't accept you? Do you think she'll actually go against her parents? Nope, she won't. You're far better off to stay with a woman who loves you and accepts and respects you, and who doesn't hide you from everyone in her life. That's the opposite of love and respect. Will it work out? Who knows. But it chances are real slim that it would work out with your XGF.


This is all so true.... except. If you don't care for this new girl which your flip flop position indicates you don't care enough. Let them both go. The new girl deserves someone who loves her for who she is.

The old one should be a no brainer. YOu'll spend a lifetime not being good enough or the girl regretting the strife with her family. It's a terrible situation and I'm sorry you spent 4 years of your life like that. I once did it for about 2 years and never again. Instead of wondering if you should take her back you should be wondering why you put up with it for 4 years.

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being in a relationship where you are someone's number 1 priority not their parents. Ditch 4 years.

You really aren't showing the new girl this number 1priority thing so maybe ditch her too. She deserves love, respect and someone who isn't mooning over an XGF.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well if I assuming you come from a culture where it's common to not be in love with the person you marry and hope to grow into it such as arranged marriages, I was going to tell you to wise up and pick the new girl. It's obvious you are not into the new one as much as you think since you are still thinking about the old one. This post proves as much. You are just with this new one because she is available. So the more I thought of it, it's just unfair to her. No one wants to be the fall back plan.

So you should brake up with her and move on. It's obvious you have unfinished business with that ex girlfriend who is a coward, so you might as well get it out of your system, let that crash an burn. Better now then 15 years from now when her Parents are dead and your poor wife won't know what hit her. Brake up with this new girl first so she is not wasting time and doesn't get hurt. It's clear you are always going to be thinking of the ex as the one that got away.

Hopefully then you will wise up with the ex when it gets to toxic, but maybe not. If you do, you may even find a girl like the one you are with now.

Seriously leave the new girl alone, you not into her and she is going to get hurt.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I second the posting by sokillme



sokillme said:


> Well if I assuming you come from a culture where it's common to not be in love with the person you marry and hope to grow into it such as arranged marriages, I was going to tell you to wise up and pick the new girl. It's obvious you are not into the new one as much as you think since you are still thinking about the old one. This post proves as much. You are just with this new one because she is available. So the more I thought of it, it's just unfair to her. No one wants to be the fall back plan.
> 
> So you should brake up with her and move on. It's obvious you have unfinished business with that ex girlfriend who is a coward, so you might as well get it out of your system, let that crash an burn. Better now then 15 years from now when her Parents are dead and your poor wife won't know what hit her. Brake up with this new girl first so she is not wasting time and doesn't get hurt. It's clear you are always going to be thinking of the ex as the one that got away.
> 
> ...



my thoughts exactly but much better use of language than I have


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> *You can never escape toxic parents.* Yikes, he has a better life now, why go backwards?


You can, but it takes a LOT of hard work on oneself and usually a healthy dose of therapy. I did for most part (still a work in progress here), but it took the better part of 43 years to do so.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ursula said:


> You can, but it takes a LOT of hard work on oneself and usually a healthy dose of therapy. I did for most part (still a work in progress here), but it took the better part of 43 years to do so.


I actually did too, I called my father at 20 and said I wasn't going to take any money from him, that I was going to support myself. He told me if I did that to never come home again. I said, "deal," and they reached out sporadically over the next 10 years or so to drag me back into their circus from hell. They badmouthed me to everyone and cut me off from everyone except my aunt. No regrets.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rawbin said:


> Me (24M) and her (27F) were in relationship from last 4 years. She is from a very conservative family and only allows marriage under their religion/cast. We fell in love in college 4 years ago and in hopes with time her parents will accept me and will agree to marriage. We were having fantastic relationship mentally and physically. Within these years i asked her several times to tell her parents about our relationship as my family knows everything and also accepted her to marry me. She was always worried and scared to tell her parents about us. The time has come i confronted her last time if she is asking her parents or not and she refused saying they wont agree and she dont want to tell about us and spoil their reputation.
> 
> I went to another city and met a girl and started a new relationship. I fell in love with her and i can say my new girlfriend is the best person i ever met she is much supportive, lovely, even her parents know about me and agree for marriage in coming future if we guys are ready to continue the relation.
> 
> ...


Don't do it. The one you marry is supposed to be your all. You go back to her and her parents will be running your marriage.


----------

