# How to live with an angry/unstable wife



## Steve_from_Devon (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi.

I'm 62 and wife, N, is 49. We've been married about 12 years. No kids. N had some problems as a teenager - and was taken into care because (as far as I can ascertain her mother couldn't cope with N's temper).

The past few years have been hard. We bought a house that proved to be a bad choice (too small for her, much repair work needed) and she won't forgive me, as choosing it was mainly down to me.

I think that because I was used to living by myself before marriage, I wanted most things my way. I've learned a lot of lessons and conscioulsy try to avoid this now. N always accuses me of this, usually referring to things I did years ago.

Most days involve temper outbursts (hers, not mine!). N compains about anything and everything. Bad days involve waking me up in the middle of the night and screaming at me and occasionally smashing things. She can be like a small child having a temper tantrum. She gets very nasty and very personal. I suspect she may be menopausal on top of everything. I genuinely bend over backwards to please her but she aways finds fault.

The house isn't big enough and N spends many hours a day on eBay; so the house is full of fabric, sewing machines (I think she has 20) and plastic crates full of stuff she's bought but never uses. She doesn't work and I have to pay the bills. I can sort of understand, as she had a deprived childhood and I guess she is now compensating by buying stuff.

I'm pretty sure she needs professional help but if I even hint at this, no matter how delicately, it provokes another outburst. I've talked about it with my doctor but he can't fdo anything. I tried to get her to go to a marraige councelling service with me but she backed out at the last minute.

She's not a very practical person and I know she couldn't cope with practcal living by herself. if we divorced. Though she often says she plans to divortce when she's ready.

Living with her is unbearable about half the time. But I know that if I initiate a divoce, I couldn't live with the guilt of leaving her by herself, unable to cope with anything.

She has no friends and doesn't want anything to do with her family (father or brother). Understandable if what she has told me about them is accurate.

So I am lost. Should I stay and suffer? Or should I divorce and live with what will be probably unbearable guilt?

My preferred option is to stay together, if I can cope with her anger/mood swings. But how can I do this?

Any idea will be much appreciated.

Steve


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

You shouldn't feel guilty about leaving, you have tried your best to help her and she won't accept the help,

You need to do what will make yourself happy, and right now it seems you are not very happy,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

How about individual counseling for yourself - so you can learn how to cope and be able to decide the best direction forward?

And, does your wife have any other issues going on - such as menopause/perimenopause? If she was irrational as a teenager with her hormonal swings, those swings during perimenopause/menopause may bring out that beast again. While it would be ideal to get whatever beast she has under control, it could be helpful to try and not feed it with other things that may be within your or her control.

Best of luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move forward with the divorce, and if there is any time she tells you she will "do what ever it takes to stay", then you pop the "go get help now, make the call".

In fact you may be as bold as to make the suggestion that she go gets help & meds. followed through with "we are getting a divorce"

I say "follow through" b/c you already now her response. so why bother to wait for one.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife sounds like a hoarder with OCD.

Just like that TV show.

If you can, get her evaluated.

Stay or leave, but she needs help.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_But I know that if I initiate a divorce, I couldn't live with the guilt of leaving her by herself, unable to cope with anything._

Why is that? 'Cause you're knocking the hell out of that problem now?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did she survive the previous 37 years, before you rode in on your white horse to save her?

Frankly, if she's not willing to try to start working on your marriage issues, I'd be looking at separating/divorce. But keep in mind that if you're going to make ultimatums, you need to be willing to back them up. Otherwise she'll just lose more respect for you.

Oh, and do some reading on co-dependent relationships. The idea to seek individual counseling is a good one, otherwise you're at a high risk of ending up in exactly the same situation with your next relationship. BTW, have either of you had previous long term relationships? And did she suddenly change, or is this the way she's always been?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rekyrts (Sep 6, 2011)

I do feel bad for you about this situation. But, I'm quite sure you had a good idea of what you were getting into before you married her. Likely, she was abused as a child, in a manner that effected her on a grand scale up until she met you. I'd also venture to say that she is like those woman that have a tendency to seek out abusive relationship, and - if they happen to find a man that isn't abusive, they subconsciously/emotionally act out in this way anyway. Sometimes, they will get mad and flee the scene, invoking classic redirection as to why the current situation isn't their fault. But, you need to know, and be secure in the fact, that you're not to blame either. Deep down, they want to be treated as a princess...they want to have a normal life and to be taken care of, loved, protected and secured. This is where you come in. Protection, security and love. This is where your guilt comes in, because you want this to be enough...and you feel like it isn't. There's an extremely high chance that she had ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), a condition that's almost untreatable, even as early as 2 years old. Some children out grow in when becoming adults, others live as dysfunctional adults with a condition called CD (Conduct Disorder). Many times, they will have other disorders associated with them, such as ADHD and/or OCD. I know what you're going through, because I've fell in-love with a woman that is just like this. There are very few things that would actually make me leave her...because I know her, and I know the care that she needs. She breaks my heart almost on a daily basis...but, it's been a choice of mine, and I have difficulty not taking it personally. (a catch-22, because if I'm too insensitive, she feels like I don't care). As one of your commenters said: the choice was mind to be the one riding in on the white horse. The "Knight in Shining Armor" complex...and I intend on being that for her. This is the decision (your choice) you have to make and live with. By the way, I find that earplugs helps take the edge off of her more "extreme" moments.


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