# Over-analyze it, or just end it?



## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

I don't really have a question, but just wanted to get some thoughts.

At what point do you stop over-analyzing everything and just end it? I've been in IC for the past two months and I am seeing things that have gone on in our 21 year marriage that I hadn't seen before, and I seriously feel like I don't care about trying to make our marriage work anymore. I've been trying and trying and I'm exhausted! I'm exhausted thinking about the next thing to try to pull my husband in, how to build (hold) him up, whether or not to put my feelings aside yet again, blah, blah, blah, same crap, different year. I'm just sick of it all. 

I've spent the past 12 years of my life taking care of twins with special needs(autism and mitochondrial disease), years of hospitalizations for one twin, medications, homeschooling (they're in an excellent public school now), and I've been doing all this with little to no help from my husband. His life's philosophy is all he has to do is go to work, and he's done and checked out when he gets home. Literally, everything else is up to me to get done.Then he got sick, and I felt like I had to take care of him too! Meds, scheduling dr visits, basically the same thing I've been doing for the twins. Now that he's home permanently, we've each been trying to find our new roles. He has to learn how to live with his new disability, and I have to learn to deal with having him home all the time. That's ultimately what threw me into IC. 

Now that I've had time to sit back and go "what the hell just happened?!", I decided I'm sick of thinking about it over and over again, and I want to drop the load off my shoulders and start living life for me! I feel selfish, but I have to come first now. I'm only 42, and I have a lot of living to do yet. I want at least some of it to be fun! I've lost 30+ lbs recently, and made some other significant changes. The boost in self-esteem has helped me feel better, but I know there's more out there, and I want to experience it! I think once hubby gets his VA disability money and his ss disability, I'm going to tell him to leave. I won't carry our marriage by myself anymore. I'm just done.


----------



## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Wow mama (lol, that feels wierd to say)!

You've had a tough life for a while now and you're the rock that everyone has stood on to keep their head above the water. I'm sorry that you've been through all that, but don't lose hope that life will be easier again some day.

Losing that much weight is definitely related to your feelings. After being a little overweight and not feeling great about myself a couple years ago and being unhappy in my marriage, I wanted out. So I worked out at midnight some nights and dieted, lost 20 pounds, and my self confidence was off the charts. I started getting noticed by cute waitresses (okay, maybe they just wanted a big tip.. lol). My conscience wouldn't let me cheat, but boy did I want to. LOL, but I've since packed the 20 pounds back on (thank you beer and mexican food) and my self confidence is back down a little, so my itch to fly away has eased. So maybe gain your weight back!  Just kidding!

Okay, back to you. You two have alot of equity in that 21 year marriage. Do you think it's possible you'd be happier staying in your marriage if (by some miracle) you worked through your issues and your husband helped you more around the house? Have you talked to him about your feelings - that you need more help and you can't do all of this alone? Is there anyway you get him to go to MC with you? It sounds like he would also benefit from IC so that someone else could help him with his disability mental hurdles.


----------



## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

More fruits and veggies, Hoops! I'd come and have a beer or two with you though!  

A few months ago I told my husband that I'd had enough and that in June when our lease was up here that we'd go our separate ways. I swear I've never heard a man cry like that in my whole life! He was devastated! Since then, we've had ONE serious talk about what needed to be changed, and he did what I needed, but only for a short time, and now things are quickly going back to the way they were. The one thing I do have to give him major props for is the way he's stepping up around the house and with the twins now that he's home. That's the one change that has stuck. 

I totally agree with you when you say he needs IC. It would be a big step in helping himself, and ultimately helping us, but I know now (from IC) that I can't make him do anything. He knows it's available to him, at the same place I go, and for free, so cost isn't an issue. It's motivation, or lack of it, pure and simple. There is a huge difference between can't and won't, and if he won't, then I'm sick of all his won'ts for the past 12 years, and it's over.

I absolutely love my therapist! I thought for all these years that I was responsible for all of my husband's thoughts and feelings, and now I know that that's not true. I inadvertantly trained him to rely on me for everything, and now he's actually told me that his happiness depends on me! Wow! He has no friends, no hobbies, no outside activities. Now I understand why he feels like that. It's too heavy of a burden, and NOT REALISTIC! He's always said his back hurts, or used whatever excuse he could come up with to get out of going anywhere or doing anything, so I stayed behind with him and ended up missing out on a lot of life! This summer I'm going to have my brother re-thread the lines on our fishing poles and I'm taking the boys fishing and we're going camping and swimming and doing whatever we want! :::looking back waving::: See ya!


----------



## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

oh mama! (lol, it does sound funny saying it-sorry  ) Almost every woman can relate to caring for everyone but themselves, me included. You poor woman, taking care of kids that are ill, and not having help.... i understand, (my own 7yo has ASD and i have been doing EVERYTHING). It seems like you know what you want, and you are definatly intitled to it. It would be a good idea to tell your DH how you feel, even if you dont want to stay. I think if you have a support system for your girls and see a better future being single and taking care of them, then i dont see anything holding you back. At the end of the day the only one whom you can make happy is you, and you deserve to be happy. I think you need to stand up for yourself and make your feelings come first. Life can be very short and obviously you have been trying for 21 years (holy cow!), it sounds like time to sail your ship in a direction you want now. Wishing you the best!


----------



## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

oops sorry i thought they were girls!!! my bad!


----------



## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

mama4jesus said:


> The one thing I do have to give him major props for is the way he's stepping up around the house and with the twins now that he's home. That's the one change that has stuck.
> 
> I totally agree with you when you say he needs IC. It would be a big step in helping himself, and ultimately helping us, but I know now (from IC) that I can't make him do anything.


From your first post, I thought your main complaint was his lack of helping you with the kids. If he's changed and is helping you now more, then maybe you need to let go of that resentment you're holding on to. Ultimately, you're the only person in control of your own happiness. Your husband can't change the mistakes he made over the years, so holding resentment is pointless and hurts you more than him.

Don't take no so easily from him regarding the IC. Tell him he needs support beyond what you can provide. You need to be attracted to your husband, and that's hard for any woman when their husband is acting wimpy and needy. If it comes to it, threaten that you two need to start discussing a separation if he refuses to go to counseling and try to help himself.

If you choose to leave anyways, then that's fine and I'm not trying to tell you you shouldn't. But when there's only 2 minutes left in the game and you're down by 2 scores, you might as well try every play in the playbook. I like sports analogies . Go down swinging! Oops, there's another one.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

One discussion isn't going to change his behavior patterns that he's had for years. It will take reminding and prodding and more reminding and more discussion. In order for a change to stick, it has to be reinforced. If he tried to change and just reverted back, perhaps he just needs more time to reinforce the new behaviors.

Ultimatums obviously work for him. I agree with HoopsFan. There is definitely some resentment that probably needs to be worked out. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying this is your fault AT ALL. I believe you have had so much pressure building for so many years, that you've finally just HAD ENOUGH! I totally understand and you are a much better woman than I am. 

I think this can be saved though...unless you have already checked out emotionally, and if that's the case...more power to you! There is a HUGE world out there and you'll be happy in it.

I wish you the best of luck!


----------



## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks for your advice everyone. It's so nice to have a different perspective. I wish I could just take myself out of it and see it from the outside. It would make my decision so much easier. I'm sure I'll just end it. At this point there is too much standing in our way to make it much longer.


----------

