# Message From The Couch



## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

Tonight I've banished myself to the couch. 

I just feel like I need a hug. I got upset with my spouse over something really trivial tonight. Basically, I'd been out all day (a Saturday) at a university course that I needed to go to. Then, I was so looking forward to seeing my husband tonight and just being able to have a bit of a normal weekend with him if only for the evening (I have the course again tomorrow). I had all these ideas in my head about how he might be waiting at home for me with chocolates or even just having tidied the house and he'd be waiting proudly to show me what he'd done - anything to imply that he knew today was a toughie for me and that he wanted to make my evening nice. 

When I called him he said he was going out for dinner to some friends and I should join him there. I was hesitant but plans seemed in place so I felt obliged. I went straight there and after giving me a quick hug it seemed totally forgotten or ignored that I'd been out all day. We visited with our friends for a few hours and then left to come home - he promised we'd watch a movie. 

When we got home he decided that it was best if we just go to bed - maybe we can watch a movie some other night - and then he proceeded to do so. 

I banished myself to the couch. I'm tired. I'm upset. I feel ignored. The difficulty is - I'm a woman - and to me, this doesn't represent one event. I understand that to him it does and that from his perspective this is an epic overreaction from me. But I just needed him to understand me tonight. 

I find more and more that I am acting like a spoilt child just to try and get my husband's attention. We have sex rarely, and I honestly can't think of a time when I've received attention from him that I haven't had to fish for. I just want to be loved!!! 

It's stupid because I know that I should stop acting like an idiot but I feel like if I stopped begging for attention I'd miss even the rare moments where I currently feel like I get it. 

I love my husband. He's a good man who is unbelievably kind and gets on with EVERYONE including my family. I just feel so neglected by him sometimes... and I don't think he even realises what he's doing or how he could change... and I'm sick of forcing him. 

I feel like the worst person in the world for being such a rubbish wife... but there it is. 

Advice and criticism welcome!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you had all this stuff in your head that you hoped he'd do. Then when he did not do your secret agenda you got upset with him. Does that make any sense?

The way to do this is to set up a date with him before hand.. like even several days ago. Then he knows exactly what you want.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". I think it would help you. 

I get the impression that the two of you are not getting enough time together. A couple needs 15 hours a week spent in date-like things where you focus on each other, just the two of you, to keep the love/passion alive.

Your marriage sounds like it's in a typical downward spiral from lack of quality time.


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

EleGirl, 
You're probably totally right. I put the blame on him because I feel like I make a lot of effort to make a lot of our time together quality - but I feel like he never makes any decisions about things we should do together etc... and that makes me feel like he doesn't want to do anything with me. Intimacy or otherwise. 

I'll get that book. We see each other every day but probably don't do as many date-like things... we both work/study full-time and have lots of commitments outside of that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I had to post on this one and couldn't pass it by because it reminds me somewhat of my husband and I and the disparity between what you need and what he is able to give and how you need to realize that he is giving what he can and you need to accept that and realize that he does love you, in his own way.

I, like you, need to "feel" loved and needed. Need to see it, hear it or I don't feel loved. My husband of almost 29 years on the other hand feels that if he says he loves me, is here, sleeping beside me every night, then he is showing me he loves me and doesn't understand why more is needed. 

The other day he actually opened up to me and put it all in perspective for me and made me really understand for the first time in 29 years exactly where HE was coming from. It really opened up my eyes and made me relax my standards and what I felt I really needed...I was actually getting, just not the way I demanded, but it was there if I really paid attention.

He said: "your expectations are really high, mine are really low. You expect a lot to be happy, I really don't expect that much. Since I know you need more I've really tried to meet that, but I just can't meet your high expectations and I don't think I ever will. You need to lower them somewhat to meet up with what I can do and what I'm trying to do. I've moved a little higher, now I need you to come a little lower and then we'll meet in the middle and I'll be happy and you'll be happy. How about it?"

WOW - I never looked at it that way...pretty simple. My expectations are a little high. I'm expecting him to be one of those hero's I read about in my romance magazines...I'm expecting something that he never was and never will be, something he wasn't when I dated him but somehow expected him to morph into after marriage. He's been actually trying to meet my expectations and realized that he was failing and that I would never be happy if he couldn't and he was asking me to lower mine so we could meet in the middle and both be happy.

That was probably the single most revealing conversation that we have ever had in our entire relationship and it was so simple.

Perhaps your husband understands you perfectly but you don't understand him. Maybe, in your quest to get YOUR needs met, you are missing the cues from him that he is trying to meet those needs in his own way and trying to show you that he loves you, but in his own way. 

Lower YOUR expectations a little, meet him halfway, maybe you will be happier, feel more fulfilled and he won't think he is failing his wife (and not knowing why or how--which is probably what he is wondering right now while you are on the couch) and you won't expect something that he is either not capable of giving or is giving, but in his own way and you can't see it.

Oh, and by the way - no matter WHAT happens in my house, neither my husband or I have ever slept on the couch in 29 years of marriage - in my eyes, sleeping apart, whether angry or not is always a big no-no. You need to get right back in that bedroom and in that bed.

Good luck!


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

"His Needs, Her Needs". 

Looked up this book and seems very dated...


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Perhaps your husband understands you perfectly but you don't understand him. Maybe, in your quest to get YOUR needs met, you are missing the cues from him that he is trying to meet those needs in his own way and trying to show you that he loves you, but in his own way.


Thank you SOOO much for this post. It's given me a quick dose of tough love. You're right - and I know you are. 

I think that's why I feel so crappy - I KNOW that it's me that makes things difficult. I'm just not sure how to lower my expectations without feeling like I'm permanently underwhelmed... I guess I need to shake these feelings of entitlement or ingratitude and just love my husband for everything he is and everything he does - and he does do so much good, so that shouldn't be hard. 

Your post made me cry. It's given me a great reminder. 

Thank you for the advice. Now I just have to gather enough humility to go back in there... 

xxx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missus said:


> "His Needs, Her Needs".
> 
> Looked up this book and seems very dated...


Why does it seem dated?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He said: "your expectations are really high, mine are really low. You expect a lot to be happy, I really don't expect that much. Since I know you need more I've really tried to meet that, but I just can't meet your high expectations and I don't think I ever will. You need to lower them somewhat to meet up with what I can do and what I'm trying to do. I've moved a little higher, now I need you to come a little lower and then we'll meet in the middle and I'll be happy and you'll be happy. How about it?


The issue is not high/low expectations. It’s that people do not define their expectations in a way that can be met.

Saying I want to spend a lot of quality time together does no good. What does that mean? Saying that I would like us to have a goal of 15 hours a week quality time that the two of us spend together, just the two of us can be met and understood. That’s 1-2 hours nightly after the children go to bed. Then on weekend we can have a date or two. Sign up for a class that we both like.. (Scuba, dancing, etc. ) And then learn something together. It’s fun to pick something that can turn into vacation interests. And then one dinner, or walk or something where we talk, hold hands and remember why are were together.

HE needs this time with you as much as you need it with him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The issue is not high/low expectations. It’s that people do not define their expectations in a way that can be met.
> 
> Saying I want to spend a lot of quality time together does no good. What does that mean? Saying that I would like us to have a goal of 15 hours a week quality time that the two of us spend together, just the two of us can be met and understood. That’s 1-2 hours nightly after the children go to bed. Then on weekend we can have a date or two. Sign up for a class that we both like.. (Scuba, dancing, etc. ) And then learn something together. It’s fun to pick something that can turn into vacation interests. And then one dinner, or walk or something where we talk, hold hands and remember why are were together.
> 
> HE needs this time with you as much as you need it with him.


But to him it WAS about expectations. He feels mine are too high and his are low and quite simple. So for him it was about expectations...your definition is different, but it all comes out in the wash about the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> But to him it WAS about expectations. He feels mine are too high and his are low and quite simple. So for him it was about expectations...your definition is different, but it all comes out in the wash about the same.


While he might have what you call his own definition of expectations, what it comes down to is that someone does not feel that they need to do the work to make their marriage a healthy, happy, passionate one. It's his choice. 

Why does he think that your expectations are too high? what did he say about that? Or was it just a vague statement that made a good excuse for him to not work on things?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
Men don't like to be left alone. They like to have you "around".
I'm not surprised he found something else to do. I have had this problem in my house. I have had the SAME thoughts you did. 

Except they cannot get past "you left me alone all day" to think of doing something special for when you get home. Communication about this can help, as well as planning time together when schedules conflict.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You set yourself up for diappointment by expecting him to make you feel better. There is always a next time. peace.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Whether you call it expectations or what have you, it's a communication issue. Men and women for the most part communicate differently. My husband and I have had to have this conversation before. I will think in my head how I want/need it to be, but then I don't express those thoughts out loud to him. He should know, right? He knows me, he knows what I want/need. WRONG!

Most men, (don't want to generalize too much here), need it spelled out for them. My husband has flat out told me this. Tell me what you want me to do and then I will try my best to do it. just TELL me. I find when I have expectations or needs and I tell him, hey this is what I want, he really does try to do it and I am not disappointed and he doesn't think, "why is she so mad".


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

If the OP is anything like me she may not appreciate it if her H only does stuff if she has specifically asked him to do it. However, I have to agree with NWCooper that you should spell out what is wanted but human nature is such that we then think the other person is only doing it because they feel obliged to, and that's not a nice feeling. 

Words of Affirmation – when you express this love language, but it just isn’t working...
The article above is about the Words of Affirmation love language but includes stuff about how to get over that feeling of the other person only doing it because it was requested. Well worth a look if you find yourself resentful or irritated at having to ask for what you want.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> ...
> Lower YOUR expectations a little, meet him halfway, maybe you will be happier, feel more fulfilled and he won't think he is failing his wife ....


Can you perhaps give us an example of how you managed to lower your expectations/how he managed to up his efforts and reach a place where you both felt better.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I agree you can't always or shouldn't always spell it out, but if its something important, like with the OP coming home and needing that time with husband, because of weekend demands, she can't expect he will have read her mind on this occasion. A quick heads up that morning, "hey, when I get home I need some one on one with you " or " I want us to have a cozy evening together" would have gone a Long way towards no one sleeping on the couch.

In my particular instance, I will have expectations on my birthday or anniversaries, and he would fall short of what I had built up in my mind. Of course, I might tell him, " oh it's no big deal" which he will mistakenly take at word value, while I'm thinking he will plan something awesome. A quick trip to disappointment. If its important enough that you will be so disappointed it will require a night on the couch for someone, just a few words prior can avoid that. It doesn't always have to be completely spelled out exactly who what when and where, but just a little communication about expectations is better than expecting a mind reading session.

This seems like common sense, but at least in my case, it wasn't. We have gotten so much better in this, but it does take practice. I think some women like the romantic idea of our man knowing what we need, but it really is a unfair expectation a lot of the time.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> sleeping apart, whether angry or not is always a big no-no. You need to get right back in that bedroom and in that bed.
> 
> Good luck!


I totally agree! There have been rare times during an argument that either my husband or I have resigned ourselves to the couch, but neither of us have ever made it a full night. We separate for a bit and whoever is in the bedroom ends up going out to tell the other to come to bed. It's like whoever is on the couch is too coward to go in without an invitation... silly really. But at least we get out the chance to cool down and think things over. 

He recently changed his work schedule and works nights now. I never realized how much sleeping together meant to me until he wasn't there anymore.  Now the few hours a week I can curl up with him mean the world to me and I'll never voluntarily leave the bed again, angry or not!!


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