# The Passion



## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

My wife lost the passion. In retrospect I believe it disappeared on our wedding night. :scratchhead: We dated for 4 years and have now been married for almost 9 years. Before the wedding she couldn't keep her hands off me. Since then, not so much. We now have two young children, which is always an added challenge to the intimacy of any marriage.

She says that she loves me everday but she seldom shows it. I suppose love and desire can drift apart over time, or in my case overnight. I ALWAYS take good care of her during the rare times that we make love. She prefers to lay perfectly still in one spot on the bed and let me do the work. Fun, huh? 

I don't think she has any reason to lose interest in me physically. I am in good shape, probably even better shape then when we first met.

She never initiates intimacy. Sex is not important to her anymore and I am beginning to believe she is taking me for granted. I give her everything. Nice house. Nice clothes. Freedom. She is a stay at home mom. She knows that I am 100% dedicated to her and the kids so she does not worry about the frustration causing me to stray.

I have been burned so many times now that I am beginning to lose interest in pursuing her. Over the years I occassionally will have a heart to heart discussion with her about this topic. She usually cries and then she tries to be more intimate. It seems so artificial and by the next day she is usually back to the same old same old.

I've tried the romantic things over the years. Flowers, restaurants, concerts, back rubs, movies, and so on. More often than not it end in more frustration.

She tried taking testosterone supplements but she only took them for a month or two and then stopped. She did not take them long enough to be effective.

I decided last week that I should stop trying and to treat our marriage like a business relationship. I can't make her want me. I will continue to be there for the kids and support the family. I love my kids too much to put them through a separation. Besides, my wife is a good mom and we don't really argue too much aside from this topic. Any advice on how to cope with being a celibate husband?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

My advice is to not do it. It sounds as if your wife is suffering from some other issues that are inhibiting her from sexual expression. Has she ever been sexually molested? Raised to believe sex is shameful or sinful? Getting to the bottom of that and releasing her from sexual shame would be a huge step.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

happyher, some of the things he mentions about intimacy prior to marriage would lead me to believe it could be something other than sexual trauma in her past. it could be that she is taking hime for granted, maybe a medical condition inhibiting her sex drive.

i will say this, i have basically the exact scenario and i have yet to figure it out. there are rare times when my wife likes and gets into sex, which makes the long dry spells even more confusing. i have always wondered why someone that apparently likes something doesnt seek it out more when it is so readily available. i too stopped trying so hard on that aspect of our marriage. constant rejection is just not worth it.

funny thing is, when i do stop the pursuit, she becomes obviously put out as if she is wondering why i stopped. its crazy


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

kenwood said:


> Any advice on how to cope with being a celibate husband?


C'mon now, that's not really what you want to know LOL. 

Marriage counseling is in order or sex therapy. There is something she is not getting, so she has no desire since she knows she won't get it. Also, you have to find a way to knock her upside the head. She will likely refuse to go to counseling or therapy, so tell her your marriage depends on it. Even if you don't really mean you would leave her, she has to get shocked into waking up. 

Just remember you might not like what comes out in counseling but resolve yourself to deal with it because it will benefit you and the marriage in the long run.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Another thread just reminded me how birth control pills kill sex drive. Is your wife on the pill?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The fact that she just lays there seems worth looking into. I agree about getting into some sort of counseling for sure. Since it started on the wedding night though, it wouldn't seem par for course of the "resentful wife" syndrome, but something else all together.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

"Any advice on how to cope with being a celibate husband?"

a) read porn oriented threads here recently.
b) get a "concubine."
c) develop several/many outside interests/hobbies.

seriously tho'........she needs a sex therapist, for starters.
then maybe more counseling for one or both of u after some
"cats r outta the bag."


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

HappyHer said:


> The fact that she just lays there seems worth looking into. I agree about getting into some sort of counseling for sure. Since it started on the wedding night though, it wouldn't seem par for course of the "resentful wife" syndrome, but something else all together.


your right, she should look into that before he looks into something else


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## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

Some great comments here. Very helpful. Thank you. To answer Susan2010's question, yes she is on birth control. In fact, the pill she is on is mostly estrogen. Interesting thought.

To answer some other questions... no history of sexual trauma. No obvious medical explaination. She went to the gynecologist and ruled that out (no yeast infections for example). At least she showed the effort in talking to the doctor about it.

To throw another theory out there, her parents are/were the same way. It could be learned behavior.

She approached me this afternoon (I was working from the house) and we spoke briefly about this. She cancelled her plans tonight so we can have a talk after the kids go to bed.

She said that she is too busy to focus on that aspect of our relationship as much as she would really like to. She has to worry about taking care of the kids and keeping up with the house. To be honest, she has no idea how good she has it... but how do you tell someone that?

I will let you all know how the discussion goes tonight. I expect she will need to do most of the talking because I have really checked out of the situation. After all these years I have finally come to terms with reality and I think that really bothers her. Thanks.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi, I just joined today and primarily for the reasons you have been talking about. I've got the same problem, only I'm the wife trying to figure out how to improve/increase the frequency of sex. My husband uses his age as a reason for not wanting to (he's 51, looks more like 40 though), tells me that a man's testosterone drops off significantly after 40, blah, blah, blah. I'm not buying it. I'm lucky enough to have a few male friends I have talked to about this and they claim to have healthy sex drives and they are all over 40. The times that my sex drive has decreased has been during times of depression and exhaustion (very common when you have young kids who are very demanding of your time and physical presence). Also, you think staying home full time is wonderful, I disagree. It's very isolating and lonely and can lead to depression. That may be a reason your wife isn't interested. Depression is a HUGE cause for decreased sex drive. I know what it's like to want to do the "right" thing for the children, but an unhappy, unfulfilled mom isn't going to be able to do that. She'll be there physically, but not with the joy in her heart that she wants to give them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Carron36 said:


> Hi, I just joined today and primarily for the reasons you have been talking about. I've got the same problem, only I'm the wife trying to figure out how to improve/increase the frequency of sex. My husband uses his age as a reason for not wanting to (he's 51, looks more like 40 though), tells me that a man's testosterone drops off significantly after 40, blah, blah, blah. I'm not buying it. I'm lucky enough to have a few male friends I have talked to about this and they claim to have healthy sex drives and they are all over 40. The times that my sex drive has decreased has been during times of depression and exhaustion (very common when you have young kids who are very demanding of your time and physical presence). Also, you think staying home full time is wonderful, I disagree. It's very isolating and lonely and can lead to depression. That may be a reason your wife isn't interested. Depression is a HUGE cause for decreased sex drive. I know what it's like to want to do the "right" thing for the children, but an unhappy, unfulfilled mom isn't going to be able to do that. She'll be there physically, but not with the joy in her heart that she wants to give them.



so shouldnt she be doing something about it???


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

sorry, of course. I guess my point is that she's got something more going on that's at the root of the problem. The lack of sexual interest is a symptom and hubby has it reduced to a lack of interest in him only. If she's against medication, counseling, etc, then perhaps a small step in the right direction is reclaiming some of her former self, the independent former self....maybe a part time job or even volunteering somewhere she can be with adults, reconnect with the grown-up world....that may bring about some happiness that can start improving other areas of her life and that can help hubby in the long run


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## realityisab!tch (Jun 30, 2010)

I'd write a bio,but it would be just a cut and paste of yours,so i won't bother.It's uncanny how close our situations are.About 12 months ago i realised there was something missing in my marriage and set out to find what had gone wrong. 
At first i thought it was something i was doing wrong ,as it seemed from the porn i watched and the forums i read everyone was having great sex except me.
I work in an extremly large ,male dominated workforce and whenever the lunchtime conversation moved onto the issue of sex i would join in.I soon learnt that no matter where i went the conversation was always the same,everyone complained about lack of sex.One guy gave me the quote which i use all the time "why do you think god created beer and golf clubs".You only have to look in pubs and on any sporting field,do you think these guys are there because they have fulfilling sex lives.
My wife is willing to talk about it and just says she doesn't feel like sex.She always says she will try harder ,but this usually only lasts a week then its back to life as normal.When i ask her why has it stopped she seems to have already forgotten the conversation,or has a different interpretation of it.
When i shut down from her ,stop giving her attention and lusting after her,she becomes very affectionate and flirty.As soon as i take the "bait" she shuts down again.Its like her saying"i've still got it".I've asked her about it and she says she loves the attention,it makes her feel desirable.
I've now realised that it's not a medical condition or someones fault,it's just the way it is and if you don't accept that ,it will drive you crazy.Now it's time to start making a life for yourself again,don't forget that you have kids and spending time with them is very rewarding.Find a hobbie to be engrossed in.You could cheat on your wife but this is a very dangerous move as you stand to lose everything.There really is no answer how to cope with it ,you just have to find something that works for you and your situation.
But don't worry you'll get your chance to get your own back.Women do seem to regain their sex drive later in life and by that time you'll be so sex starved and under used (use it or lose it),that you will have no interest or capacity to have sex.Then your wife will be writing into this forum asking why doesn't my husband want sex or show me any affection.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

realityisab!tch said:


> I'd write a bio,but it would be just a cut and paste of yours,so i won't bother.It's uncanny how close our situations are.About 12 months ago i realised there was something missing in my marriage and set out to find what had gone wrong.
> At first i thought it was something i was doing wrong ,as it seemed from the porn i watched and the forums i read everyone was having great sex except me.
> I work in an extremly large ,male dominated workforce and whenever the lunchtime conversation moved onto the issue of sex i would join in.I soon learnt that no matter where i went the conversation was always the same,everyone complained about lack of sex.One guy gave me the quote which i use all the time "why do you think god created beer and golf clubs".You only have to look in pubs and on any sporting field,do you think these guys are there because they have fulfilling sex lives.
> My wife is willing to talk about it and just says she doesn't feel like sex.She always says she will try harder ,but this usually only lasts a week then its back to life as normal.When i ask her why has it stopped she seems to have already forgotten the conversation,or has a different interpretation of it.
> ...



couldnt have said it better.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Fellas, I have an e-book that could quite possibly save your sex life. It's worked wonders on mine. It breaks down these types of issues and explains a series of ways to overcome them and create sexual tension with your wife to help create an environment where she wants it again. It's scary how much sense this book makes...

PM me or drop me your e-mail address and I'll send it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i guess i get tired of the position that one partner has to work extra hard to help facilitate changes in the other. i wish more partners who are not fulfilling their roles in any given marriage work harder on themselves to understand why. one partner not providing for the needs of the other, whether it be sexual or emotional, should either work on themselves or at least find a resolution that fits the situation. just sitting there like a lump, while fully knowing they aren't fulfilling their partner's needs and understanding the long term ramifications, just seems inexcusable.


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## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

I did not mean to belittle the stress associated with being a stay at home mom. I know it is not easy. I try to go above and beyond with helping to keep up with the house and the kids. Cooking... that is another story. :nono: I am dangerous in the kitchen.

So we had our talk last night. It went very well. She reiterated that her feelings for me have not changed. In summary, she feels like she worries too much about the little things. She worries about making the right decisions and being the best mom and wife that she can be. She feels it is this worry and stress that kills her sex drive, and manifests in other ways as well I am sure.

I told her, you are a good person (she really is). If you are a good person at heart, then you can allow your feelings to be your guide in every decision and every action. Let happiness be your compass. Let your feelings represent you. Not only will this relieve the stress that comes from second guessing your daily decisions, but it will allow you to enjoy your true passions in life.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Okeydokie you brought up a most excellent point. Each person in the couple has to give 100% to each other. Anything less is one sided and not fair to the person that's working hard to create wonderful things between you.

What a wonderful thing to say kenwood, and so true.

Many women are raised to take care of everyone else and feel very selfish and guilty if they take care of themselves, even to the most basic of ways. Assuring her and giving her time to do things for herself is such an important, validating way to help her. It doesn't have to be extravagant, even watching the kids for a 1/2 hour so she can take a nice long bath can work wonders!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The "TALK". Early in my marriage I pointed out to my wife that I spent most of my waking hours making sure that she and our new baby had a good life, minimal financial stress and were generally well cared for. 

I told her that in return I expected her to make MY happiness an equally high priority. She understood exactly what that meant. I am sure there were plenty of nights she had to work hard to put the "stress noise" from the day behind her so she could be there for me. And she consistently did that to SHOW her love for me. 

Talk is cheap - your wife says she loves you because she thinks that is acceptable to you. The pattern you describe really isn't about stress. It is about relationship security. Once you married and she felt she had "caught" you she stopped trying to be a good partner. The fact you let that persist for so long as established a deep pattern. Your needs don't matter, hers do.

Hard to break. 



kenwood said:


> I did not mean to belittle the stress associated with being a stay at home mom. I know it is not easy. I try to go above and beyond with helping to keep up with the house and the kids. Cooking... that is another story. :nono: I am dangerous in the kitchen.
> 
> So we had our talk last night. It went very well. She reiterated that her feelings for me have not changed. In summary, she feels like she worries too much about the little things. She worries about making the right decisions and being the best mom and wife that she can be. She feels it is this worry and stress that kills her sex drive, and manifests in other ways as well I am sure.
> 
> I told her, you are a good person (she really is). If you are a good person at heart, then you can allow your feelings to be your guide in every decision and every action. Let happiness be your compass. Let your feelings represent you. Not only will this relieve the stress that comes from second guessing your daily decisions, but it will allow you to enjoy your true passions in life.


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## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> The "TALK". Early in my marriage I pointed out to my wife that I spent most of my waking hours making sure that she and our new baby had a good life, minimal financial stress and were generally well cared for.
> 
> I told her that in return I expected her to make MY happiness an equally high priority. She understood exactly what that meant. I am sure there were plenty of nights she had to work hard to put the "stress noise" from the day behind her so she could be there for me. And she consistently did that to SHOW her love for me.
> 
> ...


Ouch. The truth stings.  I had the same talk with my wife several years ago when I decided to take a more demanding job so she could stay home to raise the kids. It never sank in. I suppose the vows are not enough these days. It seems I reach this point of frustration once or twice a year. I can only hope that this time will be different. :banghead:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

KW,
YOUR wife has learned that you talk but then there is no consequence. Let me suggest a different approach. I will warn you in advance - if you don't have the spine to actually FORCE THIS TO HAPPEN - don't bother raising it. Right now you are in a high stress job to give your wife the American dream. Her response is to tell you she is "too stressed" to be a good wife. If you allow that to persist - then you need to accept that as the family doormat you will continue to be treated as a non-entity. 

Hint: She only takes you for granted because you let her. 

YOU: I think we need to cut back a lot on our spending rate. My stress level from work is too high and frankly the normal interactions that recharge a man's emotional battery are largely absent from our marriage. Lets sit down this weekend and figure out what we can cut and also what type part time job you can take on to help balance our stress levels more fairly. 
WIFE: What are you talking about?
YOU: The LACK of intimacy - physical intimacy like we used to have BEFORE I made my vows. If you can't be bothered to make the effort for me at least X times a week - I am no longer willing to continue living the way we are. If you aren't willing to work, maybe we need to find a cheaper place to live. 

I will also warn you that for this to really work you are ALSO going to need to figure out what turns her on/and off inside and outside the bedroom. This approach will jolt a temporary change, but to sustain it you two need to have a different talk entirely. That one goes like this. 

YOU: I totally get that as a man - most nights I am in the mood by default and as a mother most nights you start out either tired/stressed or - neutral about sex. The KEY here is to let me know the few nights a week you are "neutral" AND for BOTH of us to learn how to get you from neutral to warm to hot in an enjoyable manner. 

For most women - "neutral" - means that if you are touching them in a directly sexual way quickly - without enough non-sexual touch first, they feel "bad". So maybe you need to start with a massage - and maybe she teaches you how to make that massage gradually more sexual to help her climb the desire ramp. MAYBE she needs you to be more dominant in bed. NOTHING turns some women on more than some sharp voice commands and a wrestling match. The point here really isn't to force her to have sex - yuck - bad stuff for both of you. The point is to force her to TELL YOU WHAT CONSTITUTES GOOD SEX FOR HER. The problem is right now - with very little/no sex she won't have that conversation. So you need to KICK START the interaction via some stress balancing or she is going to continue to ignore you. And that first conversation about money - is usually effective because financial stress and sexual tension are remarkably similar in some ways.




kenwood said:


> Ouch. The truth stings.  I had the same talk with my wife several years ago when I decided to take a more demanding job so she could stay home to raise the kids. It never sank in. I suppose the vows are not enough these days. It seems I reach this point of frustration once or twice a year. I can only hope that this time will be different. :banghead:


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## hurtin4certain (Jun 30, 2010)

Everyone has their own love language. If you haven't ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" now is a good time to check it out. I've been where your wife is and revisit it on occasion. Yes, having a houseful of screeming kids can zap you, but most women can snap out of the zap when the right love language is spoken. 

You say you work hard to provide and all that, which is very important, but those things are necessary. Loving your wife is more voluntaryand is a separate provision. That means you have to choose to do it in a way that she "hears" you, which would be her love language. My husband can work himself into the ground, which he does pretty much daily, but if he comes home and is being short-fused and would rather find a quiet place in the house to veg out rather than spending time with those he is "providing" for, then we're being neglected. If he only touches me when he wants sex or only comes to bed at the same time as me when he wants sex, then he's neglecting me. I'm not saying this is your behavior, but I'm just trying to describe some of the scenarios. Provision includes more than just the physical necessities. Women need emotional support as well. Take time to just shoot the breeze with her. Show interest in what she is saying. Most women need to feel a connection to their partner in order to desire sex. Ask her what she needs from you in order to feel emotionally connected. This is key. Then, when she tells you, put it into practice. It will very likely not come natural to you, but it'll get easier the longer you do it. You'll be surprised at how much stamina she still has left at the end of the day when she feels loved.


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## hurtin4certain (Jun 30, 2010)

I also forgot to say that she may be just lying there because she feels that sex has become about you individually and not you as a couple. I've also been there and done that. If she knows that your goal in bed is YOUR orgasm, that'll do it. Think about the actual things you do with her for stimulation. Do you do those things because it turns you on or because it turns her on? Is the reason she's in bed with you because you want her there? It has to be because she wants to be there. Give her a reason to want to be there (probably a nonsexual reason) by making sure her emotional needs are met.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ready for more harsh? Let's jump in shall we?

You would do well to note that several gentlemen have commented upon the similarity you describe in your intro. I include myself amongst that number.

Quick summary: Off the hook, anything goes, sex while she was pursuing me. Once she 'caught' me as MEM puts it, things began ratcheting down from 5th gear, eventually to Neutral. In my stbx's case there actually were both physical and mental issues in play - but the outcome was the same. By the time motherhood struck we were maybe being intimate once or twice a month on average. I simply presumed that I needed to "try harder" to be a better, more loving - or eventually "whine louder." 

You stating that you are willing to be celibate nets you nothing. No good will come of it. Who the hell gets married to be celibate? 

The math on this is actually painfully simple - but easy to overlook. Respect yourself. Respect your desires. Don't apologize for them. Don't diminish or compromise them. How can you expect your spouse to respect your wishes if you don't respect them yourself. 

This isn't about demanding sex. It is about formulating your own personal code of behavior - and how you expect those around you to behave as a result.

And by respecting your own 'code' it just may turn out that this woman ISN'T for you.

I don't expect you to simply accept any of this. I wouldn't have when I first arrived on these boards.

Don't end up where myself and many others did ...

Being utterly shocked when it turns out your low drive, asexual wife, has a 'friend' who is pinning her ankles behind her ears.


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## realityisab!tch (Jun 30, 2010)

Wow the "TAlk" you are just like me ,you still think you can change the situation.Let me just put it from your wifes perspective,wether you like it or not,or are willing to admit it this is the hardest time of your wifes life.No matter how you guild the cage it's still a hard job being a stay at home mother.
Do you think shoving books in her face,telling her she needs medicating or that she's not taking care of your needs is going to make her go "gee i'm a bad person for ignoring you,i'm going to change completly" or do you think it will make her go "your a f***ing idiot"
Why don't you just give up like the rest of us.Its not a bad life we go fishing on tuesdays,golf on thursdays and saturday is poker night.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Taking hope away from other men is a wicked thing to do. And giving a SAHM the free pass to do whatever she wants for 20 years is ludicrous and shows a lack of spine. 




realityisab!tch said:


> Wow the "TAlk" you are just like me ,you still think you can change the situation.Let me just put it from your wifes perspective,wether you like it or not,or are willing to admit it this is the hardest time of your wifes life.No matter how you guild the cage it's still a hard job being a stay at home mother.
> Do you think shoving books in her face,telling her she needs medicating or that she's not taking care of your needs is going to make her go "gee i'm a bad person for ignoring you,i'm going to change completly" or do you think it will make her go "your a f***ing idiot"
> Why don't you just give up like the rest of us.Its not a bad life we go fishing on tuesdays,golf on thursdays and saturday is poker night.


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## realityisab!tch (Jun 30, 2010)

Hope or false expectations you decide.So because my wife is a great mother and my best friend,the only part where she falls short(and thats only my perpective) is with sex,i'm spineless for not raping her every night....gee i thought that attitude dissappeared in the 40's.
But honestly i'm only giving my opinion, you don't have to agree with it,just be big enought to think about it.I'm not here to encite pointless flame wars but to offer my point of view.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So a married man is either celibate or a rapist?

I was just assertive - insisted W teach me what turned her on and off in and out of the bedroom. Had her teach me how to turn her on when she started out in "neutral". Not all that hard. 




realityisab!tch said:


> Hope or false expectations you decide.So because my wife is a great mother and my best friend,the only part where she falls short(and thats only my perpective) is with sex,i'm spineless for not raping her every night....gee i thought that attitude dissappeared in the 40's.
> But honestly i'm only giving my opinion, you don't have to agree with it,just be big enought to think about it.I'm not here to encite pointless flame wars but to offer my point of view.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

ok gentlemen, I've just read all entries since I was on board yesterday....help me out....I'm the wife with a husband complaining of a reduced sex drive. I've stayed in really good shape after 2 babies and 10 years of marriage and have a healthy sex drive (I think) for a 45 year old woman. I'd like to have sex at least a couple of times a week, he's more in the 1x/month mode (if I'm lucky), how can I gently encourage my husband to stop using his age as an excuse for why he's not as "active" as he was...this problem has been going on for about 3 years and I'm reaching the end of my patience....(how's that for a role reversal? ) I'm really interested to know a man's perspective and advice...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Carron36 said:


> ok gentlemen, I've just read all entries since I was on board yesterday....help me out....I'm the wife with a husband complaining of a reduced sex drive. I've stayed in really good shape after 2 babies and 10 years of marriage and have a healthy sex drive (I think) for a 45 year old woman. I'd like to have sex at least a couple of times a week, he's more in the 1x/month mode (if I'm lucky), how can I gently encourage my husband to stop using his age as an excuse for why he's not as "active" as he was...this problem has been going on for about 3 years and I'm reaching the end of my patience....(how's that for a role reversal? ) I'm really interested to know a man's perspective and advice...


My advice? Dump him and PM me :FIREdevil:


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

I think I'll start my own thread Deejo


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Another often overlooked factor. Is the sex good?


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## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

Blue Moon said:


> Another often overlooked factor. Is the sex good?


I don't think so. Ironically, I think it is better for her. She prefers to be 100% passive and does not like to try new things.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I am having a hard time understanding the premise of this thread, at least from some of the perspectives. Some guys want to be angry that it takes work on their part to get the wife to want to have sex. She should just do it, they feel, because it is her duty as half the partnership. But then, just like here, the complaint becomes she's not into it or just lies there. Can't satisfy some people. It is ludicrous to think a woman WANTS to have sex just because he thinks it is her duty. Any more nonsensical theories to contribute to this thread? Surely you notice how productive they are in your bedroom.

Some of you need to listen to MEM's advice, including the guy who seems resolved at being celibate until his wife comes around....whenever that's supposed to be. The fact is, you know you are missing out. What you may not know is she is missing out too. 

And Kenwood, like MEM said, talk is cheap....and philosophy isn't worth the paper it is printed on, not without actions to back it up. I don't care what your wife told you her reasons are. She doesn't know what causes the problem. She only knows she is not up for sex and that it is a problem. So she spoke with you to get some sympathy because, after all, she knows she is neglecting you and doesn't want to lose her marriage. So she came up with something to make you feel she is trying to be considerate and to save her marriage. Any woman with half a brain feels a man is likely to cheat when he is sexually starved. In case you misunderstood any of that, I am saying she is starved also. I am saying she is confused as you are. I am saying she does not know why this is happening. I am saying she does not want to lose her marriage over it.

I am NOT saying she is lying to you, however. Her reasons are common, but people get busy with life and children and still have some kind of sex drive. Yes, husband's needs often get placed on the back burner, but for all the wives going through this, the reasons are basically the same. And they are all as confused about it as their husbands. They only know they don't want sex. They don't specifically know why.

My first response to this post was to suggest there is something she's not getting, so she mentally turned off from knowing she isn't going to get it. This is also a common problem. But you also acknowledge she is on the pill. Birth control pills are known to kill sex drive. Why did you ignore me?

Other than that, you need to listen to MEM, like I said. He does the work that it takes to keep his sex life active and exciting. I believe he would go the extra mile if there were a problem that needs attention. Someone might need sex therapy. If that is the extra mile it takes for you and your wife to reconnect, then make the appointment. Why are so many men on here bashing this woman or talking what she SHOULD do as if you understand anything about her psyche or what goes on in their bedroom....as seldom as it goes on? You don't know and as unwilling as you are talking about her being, you turn right around to say you also are unwilling. Oh geez! Some of you just want to be seen, I guess.

This movie is wonderfully helpful, as is the book that the movie is about.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Yeah, once you say I do the real work begins. If anyone is interested I have a series of e-books I can pass along that break down these types of hangups and help men learn how to create sexual tension and break down why wives shut down and what you can do to make an environment to get her in the mood. It's scary how dead on the author is.

Drop me your e-mail if you're interested. It's a lifesaver.


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## kenwood (Jun 29, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Some guys want to be angry that it takes work on their part to get the wife to want to have sex. She should just do it, they feel, because it is her duty as half the partnership. But then, just like here, the complaint becomes she's not into it or just lies there. Can't satisfy some people.


I can see why you might make that assumption, not knowing the situation. I assure you that is not the case. Even the VERY rare times that she initiates the intimacy, she will still just lie there once she has my motor up to full speed. That is what she likes. Trust me, I don't ever expect her to just roll over and put out. Not to say I haven't tried. 



Susan2010 said:


> ...But you also acknowledge she is on the pill. Birth control pills are known to kill sex drive. Why did you ignore me?


I did answer your question in a previous post, yes she is on birth control. Did I miss another question? I should mention that the sex drive was consistently absent during times while she was on other types of birth control and when not on any form of birth control.


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## realityisab!tch (Jun 30, 2010)

I wrote into this thread purely to put my point of view as I could see that kw had reached a stage in his marriage that was so similar to me.I'm enjoying reading through these posts ,but the thing that amazes me is the unwillingness of other people to accept ,or at least think about another reality that exists for a lot of us.
Like kw I didn’t wait around to see if things would change,i tried pretty much everything in these posts to change the situation.After 6 yr's of banging my head against a brick wall i decided that something had to change.
I was obsessed with sex and not only was it effecting me but also my family.If you think it was an easy thing to contemplate a life of celibacy it wasn't,it scared the sh!t out of me and i thought how am i going to live like this.
Sex was my only outlet in life, so i started some outside interests in my life.Slowly my dependence on sex began to decline and i started to enjoy my other interests.I began to realise hey i've got a great wife and fantastic kids and began to really enjoy spending time with them.
The thing is i still have sex,probably the same amount and quality it always was,but now i'm happy with that ,as sex is now only one small part that makes up my great marriage.
I'm really happy for and a little envious of you guys that do have a great sex life,but it doesn't happen that way for all of us.
The next step is really yours kw and you've got to work out which way your going to move.Read through all the posts and and try to find something that will work for you and don't think it has to be exactly the same as someone else,you may find its somewhere between all these posts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Susan,
Thank you I really appreciate your kind words. And I do work at my marriage - just as my W does. And I can tell that you do as well. Oddly enough - even though my W will have as much sex as I want I have never done anything for her with the express purpose of getting her to have sex. However I have done plenty of things in a very intentional manner that I KNOW are a turn on to her. I life weights twice a week for that very reason. Works like a charm. The reward for me is feeling desired, not thinking - ok I just did 20 sets, now she owes me a session or two....





Susan2010 said:


> I am having a hard time understanding the premise of this thread, at least from some of the perspectives. Some guys want to be angry that it takes work on their part to get the wife to want to have sex. She should just do it, they feel, because it is her duty as half the partnership. But then, just like here, the complaint becomes she's not into it or just lies there. Can't satisfy some people. It is ludicrous to think a woman WANTS to have sex just because he thinks it is her duty. Any more nonsensical theories to contribute to this thread? Surely you notice how productive they are in your bedroom.
> 
> Some of you need to listen to MEM's advice, including the guy who seems resolved at being celibate until his wife comes around....whenever that's supposed to be. The fact is, you know you are missing out. What you may not know is she is missing out too.
> 
> ...


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