# wifes texting relationship



## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

I am looking for advice especially from any women that may have had a like situation. 

When i returned from a two week grad school program my wife was very affectionate and more so than normal. Two days later my wifes cell phone received a message from my step daughter while she was in the shower. i looked at the message and then proceeded to look at her other texts. she received several with suggestive content. i asked her later that night if there was something she wanted to tell me, she said no. i then asked her whos number it was that was texting her. she told me then said it was joking. i asked her if it got sexual in nature and then she admitted it did. She exchanged 1346 text messages while i was gone with the other person. while sometimes once in a while throwing out an i love you to me. She said they never got together but some of her timeline is a little iffy and her story is not straight on this one evening. she wrote down for me what the sexting messages were. she says she loves me and she has shown me nothing different the past few months. She said she was only texting him for a couple weeks. could she still love me? she said he had her attention during the two weeks. she blocked his cell and cut off communication with him. she seams remorseful but she seems to spoonfeed me info. has she told me everything or just sugarcoating this.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

You might have caught this in time...but most likely you didn't. 

I would get keyloggers & VAR's installed.

She is most likely hiding more information.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She cheated on you with whoever that guy is. 

And yes, she prob sugarcoated it.

Do you know who he is?

Tell her you can't decide to work on the marriage until she comes clean about everything. Give her just enough rope to hang herself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I had an EA that sounds pretty similar to this. First an incredibly short time line is very possible, especially if they had any previous relationship. Second, if you feel like she's spoon feeding you info (we call this trickle truth) she probably is. Third, if she was that into this guy and she now professes to have cut off contact with him and SHE IS NOT an emotional wreck; I'll bet she's actually still in communication with him and has just taken it deeper underground. Ending an emotional affair is incredibly painful, if your wife is not visibly suffering IMO it's only because she hasn't cut ties with the OM.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Lost - it could be either. How does she know this person? Is this someone she continues to have contact with in other ways?

I think if you keep digging you will find out if this was it... but usually it isn't. I would assume the relationship had to have started more than 2 weeks ago - since it sounds like it was hot and heavy for the whole time you were out of town.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like she is doing what I did.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> Lost - it could be either.


No, it couldn't.

1346 text messages and he didn't know about ANY of them? I don't think he even knows this person. This is a full fledged love affair.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I had an EA that sounds pretty similar to this. First an incredibly short time line is very possible, especially if they had any previous relationship. Second, if you feel like she's spoon feeding you info (we call this trickle truth) she probably is. Third, if she was that into this guy and she now professes to have cut off contact with him and SHE IS NOT an emotional wreck; I'll bet she's actually still in communication with him and has just taken it deeper underground. Ending an emotional affair is incredibly painful, if your wife is not visibly suffering IMO it's only because she hasn't cut ties with the OM.


she knew this person before and he would send random texts to her every once in a while. i checked the cell records and it looks like she's telling the truth there. she started mid july and i thought i could sense something was different. There weren't many texts in that time frame but 2 days before i left there were 154 and then none until the night after she dropped me off at the airport.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Sounds like she is doing what I did.


what did you do?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I received a facebook friend request from an old high school girlfriend I hadn't thought about in 22 years. 10 days later were exchanging I love you's, sexting, and swapping hundreds of messages a day and as MrK says - it was full on love affair. On top of that I was happily married when I got that friend request. 

It's so incredibly easy to take these things underground. Alternate email accounts, hidden cell phones, ect.... Keyloggers and voice activated recorders are really the only ways to know she isn't in contact. Do you know if they ever spoke on the phone? If they did a VAR would be my first move - it would have busted me faster than anything else.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I let a friendship turn in an EA. We texted almost 2000 times a month, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, you name it. She lives far away. Yet, we got very intimate and romantic. When I turned off that switch, I focused on my wife in an attempt to make her think everything was normal, including lots of sex with her. 

I told her that she was just a friend, nothing more. No need to worry.

If I had a dime for each lie I told, and stacked them on top of each other, I could look down om Mt. Everest.

I was caught via my cell phone. 

Get ready for lots of lies!


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I received a facebook friend request from an old high school girlfriend I hadn't thought about in 22 years. 10 days later were exchanging I love you's, sexting, and swapping hundreds of messages a day and as MrK says - it was full on love affair. On top of that I was happily married when I got that friend request.
> 
> It's so incredibly easy to take these things underground. Alternate email accounts, hidden cell phones, ect.... Keyloggers and voice activated recorders are really the only ways to know she isn't in contact. Do you know if they ever spoke on the phone? If they did a VAR would be my first move - it would have busted me faster than anything else.


phone records show no phone calls. she said he asked to meet but she said it didn't feel right. This all happened within 7 days of the texting being heavy. she said it started off general conversation then progressed with some statements that could be taken two ways. then one evening she got caught up in the conversation and the sexting happened. she says she is ashamed an guilty for my pain.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Here's the reality you have to confront. Is it possible that you and your wife are the one out of a thousand (conservatively) here that catch it early, it really was a very brief error on the waywards part, they're remorseful and it's over that easy? Sure it is. BUT? Is it more likely that she is like me, Hertoo, and every other cheater here and there is much more to it than you know right now? Absolutely. 

When I ended my EA I was kind of voluntarily caught and I confessed everything right then - I gave no trickle truth. People here would have advised my wife that there was more to it, that she should investigate and they would have been wrong on that. However, they would also have told her to install keyloggers and VAR's to ensure I maintained no contact - and they would have been right on that one. This stuff just doesn't evaporate nicely. When an emotional affair ends there is usually blood on the walls. 

If it's dead - if you can get her to kill it. Your marriage can actually be better - mine is; but the affair has to be dead and they can never have any contact again for the rest of their days.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> There weren't many texts in that time frame but 2 days before i left there were 154 and then none until the night after she dropped me off at the airport.


Your suspicions are correct. This is when it went PA. That's a good indicator of when they are together, when the texting suddenly stops. Then it picks up tremendously after they've crossed the line because now they're intimate.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> she said he asked to meet but she said it didn't feel right.


Could be one way of explaining away the "lets meet up" texts or it could be the truth. You decide.

What kind of phone does she have? You could recover text if they are smart phones.(Iphone , android , blackberry)

Confront the other guy if you know him. Be vague and ask him why he met your wife.(This would be useless if your wife talked to him already)

How is that the texting got heavy the week you were out of town?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If she has an iPhone, install iPhone Backup Extractor to check her backup files. Even deleted texts will be shown.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Could be one way of explaining away the "lets meet up" texts or it could be the truth. You decide.
> 
> What kind of phone does she have? You could recover text if they are smart phones.(Iphone , android , blackberry)
> 
> ...


i did confront the other guy. He tried to blame it on someone else and minimized it until i told him the details my wife told me. i then asked some questions and he did answer them very similar to how my wife answered. said it was only one night of sexting. My wife said she cried the next day and told him they couldn't continue. he asked if it was still ok to text. she said yes but nothing relating to getting together and no sex. she said he would be general conversation then he would throw in some inuendo and she wouldn't reply. she said she was getting tired of him texting. the text volume did go down that second week.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> i did confront the other guy. He tried to blame it on someone else and minimized it until i told him the details my wife told me. i then asked some questions and he did answer them very similar to how my wife answered. said it was only one night of sexting. My wife said she cried the next day and told him they couldn't continue. he asked if it was still ok to text. she said yes but nothing relating to getting together and no sex. she said he would be general conversation then he would throw in some inuendo and she wouldn't reply. she said she was getting tired of him texting. the text volume did go down that second week.


Cheaters always lie. In this case, both of them are lying to you. If you wish to accept this, then that's up to you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Cheaters always lie. In this case, both of them are lying to you. If you wish to accept this, then that's up to you.


:iagree:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Mine went through cycles as well. Lots of texts, a few texts. Then, the urge comes back and it starts all over again. 

Until the number of texts = 0 forever, the odds are against you.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Mine went through cycles as well. Lots of texts, a few texts. Then, the urge comes back and it starts all over again.
> 
> Until the number of texts = 0 forever, the odds are against you.


there have been no texts, have her fb login and nothing there. don't know if she has another e-mail but she isn't really tech savy to set one up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> there have been no texts, have her fb login and nothing there. don't know if she has another e-mail but she isn't really tech savy to set one up.


I didn't think my wife was tech savvy enough to set up her secret facebook account since I was the one that set up her original account in the first place, but she did. That was my mistake, I underestimated her. My fail. Don't you underestimate her either.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Mine went through cycles as well. Lots of texts, a few texts. Then, the urge comes back and it starts all over again.
> 
> Until the number of texts = 0 forever, the odds are against you.


Did you still love love your wife during this time. How quickly did your texting and or email progress till it was sexual.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Did I still love my wife? I'm still trying to figure that out myself since I'm not exactly sure when I lost it. 

Since we were friends, it took about 6 weeks. And it happened via email.

Do yourself a favor and order a hardware keylogger for your home PC. You'll need to know if the keyboard connector is a PS/2 (round) or USB (flat and square). Do a google and pick one with at least 2 MB of memory. That way, you can safely capture keystrokes without having to install software. You can disconnect it and read it on a different computer. Use it to assure yourself that nothing is happening. They run about $45 or so. Shop around!!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If she was texting him up until the time you left for the trip, and then nothing for two days. That is a very good indicator that they met at least. They didn't need to text because they were with each other. Polygraph her. She will dump some info before she takes it. If she does, make her take it anyway.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That makes sense!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Everyone has pretty much covered most of the points inwould make.

I would add not to let a short timeline give you a possibly false sense of security. My wife went from meeting an OM on a Monday. At some point during that week, they began exchanging sexually charged texts, then having known each other even existed for less than three weeks, he had her bent over a park bench.

In your case, they knew one another previously, so, yeah...there are definite red flags in their timeline as you've provided it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

When you confronted the guy you tell him no more contact, full break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> When you confronted the guy you tell him no more contact, full break.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't tell him. i had my wife text it to him. I did threaten to tell his wife. 

I was told by our counselor to try and keep this quiet and keep it between myself, my wife, him and God as he did not want her to be embarrassed or cause a stir in the area in which i liveI am well off and a prominent person in the area of which I live. Although i don't believe i was arrogant i did have high self esteem. Now i am humbled beyond words. 

my counselor says that he believes that my wife wanted the attention. Thinks she loves me a great deal but got caught up in something like an addiction and couldn't figure out how to cut loose. I would like to believe this but just have hunches she has minimized what happened. She is willing to talk to me about it and crys when i am depressed. i do feel she has cut off contact but will probably buy one of the devices to track keyboard input. Has anyone had luck in making the relationship better after the affair? or does the dead fealing never go away?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

MrK said:


> No, it couldn't.
> 
> 1346 text messages and he didn't know about ANY of them? I don't think he even knows this person. This is a full fledged love affair.


Mr. K. I was trying to answer this...



lost2011 said:


> has she told me everything or just sugarcoating this.


in the broad scheme of things, 1,300 text messages isn't really that much... depending on how much his wife texts. My WH texted his AP 10,000 times in two weeks. So it could have been sexting and she's told him everything... or she could be just sugar coating it considering that there's an evening she can't account for.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you tech- savvy or knowledgeable? I still think that there is stuff you don't know about. What kind of phone does she have?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In order to heal from this,for both you and your W, you must find out the absolute truth. Without dragging everything under the sunlight, your relationship in this marriage will continue limping with mistrust and doubt. 

A sudden break in text volume is a very bad sign like some other poster suggested. Upon revelation, often both WW and OM scheme to keep the story same to their betrayed spouses. Don't believe everything you hear. 

Even if you don't mean to follow through, you can still threaten her with polygraph to see that scares her to come clean. Trust is one thing that a couple strugges the most in the aftermath of such betryal. 

And, your counselor's advice to keep things between you is not really a universally agreed approach. It is always a good idea to share the info with OMW. You may be shocked with further details she may reveal from her end.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are you tech- savvy or knowledgeable? I still think that there is stuff you don't know about. What kind of phone does she have?


she has an lg envy. no memory card in it. that was the first thing i looked for. 

She wrote down three pages of comments they had while sexting for me as she had deleted them. want to think she is at least trying to tell me the truth. 

To answer your question i am somewhat knowledgeable but not very.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

lost2011 said:


> I didn't tell him. i had my wife text it to him. I did threaten to tell his wife.


Ouch. You should have just told his wife, period. It would have put pressure on him on the homefront to maintain NC. Plus, what are the odds that this was a first for him?

Now, however, he's had a chance to tell his wife about this crazy jealous guy making all kinds of wild accusations about him. He's made his move to discredit everything you have to say, and you haven't even opened your mouth yet.



> I was told by our counselor to try and keep this quiet and keep it between myself, my wife, him and God as he did not want her to be embarrassed or cause a stir in the area in which i liveI am well off and a prominent person in the area of which I live. Although i don't believe i was arrogant i did have high self esteem. Now i am humbled beyond words.


Your counselor gave bad advice. OM's wife has a right to know that her husband is (at least) sexting other women and propositioning them to meet for sex. She has a right to decide if she wants to be with someone who would do that to her.



> my counselor says that he believes that my wife wanted the attention. Thinks she loves me a great deal but got caught up in something like an addiction and couldn't figure out how to cut loose. I would like to believe this but just have hunches she has minimized what happened. She is willing to talk to me about it and crys when i am depressed. i do feel she has cut off contact but will probably buy one of the devices to track keyboard input. Has anyone had luck in making the relationship better after the affair? or does the dead fealing never go away?


You certainly can recover. It takes time and honesty. Don't expect that "dead feeling" to go away overnight. You've been betrayed, and you're in shock. For the marriage to survive, you both need to be fully committed to reconciling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Fire your councillor , call his wife even if you do not have the text messages you do have a record of how many times they texted and she should be able to confirm this on his side . Warn her he is likely to lie and cover his trail as your wife did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Did I still love my wife? I'm still trying to figure that out myself since I'm not exactly sure when I lost it.
> 
> Since we were friends, it took about 6 weeks. And it happened via email.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and order a hardware keylogger for your home PC. You'll need to know if the keyboard connector is a PS/2 (round) or USB (flat and square). Do a google and pick one with at least 2 MB of memory. That way, you can safely capture keystrokes without having to install software. You can disconnect it and read it on a different computer. Use it to assure yourself that nothing is happening. They run about $45 or so. Shop around!!!




thanks for the advice.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Ouch. You should have just told his wife, period. It would have put pressure on him on the homefront to maintain NC. Plus, what are the odds that this was a first for him?
> 
> Now, however, he's had a chance to tell his wife about this crazy jealous guy making all kinds of wild accusations about him. He's made his move to discredit everything you have to say, and you haven't even opened your mouth yet.
> 
> ...


I do have what my wife wrote down. its in her handwriting and i have an excel spreadsheet showing all the incomming and outgoing times (color coded also). Have counseling session on Wednesday and thinking about bringing it up. 

The counselor told me before though that it could cause more grief for me if she is telling the truth. It could ruin any chance of reconnecting with my wife. I really feel for his wife though.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Again fire your councillor. Since when are thousands of text messages innocent especialy since you cannot read the content.

The only reason for you not to tell his wife is to give him another chance to restart the affair with your wife. By telling his wife you will show you are standing up for your marriage, will have another set of eyes watching them and if he were to contact your wife he has broken NC . Your wife if she is serious about your marriage will not protest .

Do not tell your wife when you speak to the OM's wife , wait and monitor .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Fire your councillor , call his wife even if you do not have the text messages you do have a record of how many times they texted and she should be able to confirm this on his side . Warn her he is likely to lie and cover his trail as your wife did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed. It would even be worth it to see what she might have to say about that same timeframe your wife was MIA.

"Hmmm...what a coincidence. At that same time, he was supposedly out with the guys."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I do have what my wife wrote down. its in her handwriting and i have an excel spreadsheet showing all the incomming and outgoing times (color coded also). Have counseling session on Wednesday and thinking about bringing it up.
> 
> The counselor told me before though that it could cause more grief for me if she is telling the truth. It could ruin any chance of reconnecting with my wife. I really feel for his wife though.


Then you should read more of the threads on here, because the opposite seems to be what has helped people more.

People deal better with the truth than they do the things their imagination dreams

People also heal when they have meaningful actions to take instead of sweeping under the rug.

Your therapist is a dont ask don't tell, rugsweep and stick head in sand kind of therapist. All of these actions make you avoid dealing with what has gone on, and they set it all up to happen again because they don't give you an opportunity to learn snd change based upon the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> ...call his wife even if you do not have the text messages you do have a record of how many times they texted and she should be able to confirm this on his side. Warn her he is likely to lie and cover his trail as your wife did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Find out from her if he went out of town when you did and those texts stopped. She texts him 1300 times when you are around, sneaking away to do it so you won't see. Yet she has two days to lay in bed naked with nothing but her cell phone and lover and she doesn't contact him ONCE? There is no doubt they were together. 

And before anyone says ANYTING about it being too much work for him to do all of that: 

If a little lie about a 2 day business trip and a $300 round trip plane ticket out of my own pocket gets me unlimited guaranteed sex for 2 days? And in my case, with someone who actually WANTS IT from me...?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MrK said:


> Find out from her if he went out of town when you did and those texts stopped. She texts him 1300 times when you are around, sneaking away to do it so you won't see. Yet she has two days to lay in bed naked with nothing but her cell phone and lover and she doesn't contact him ONCE? There is no doubt they were together.
> 
> And before anyone says ANYTING about it being too much work for him to do all of that:
> 
> If a little lie about a 2 day business trip and a $300 round trip plane ticket out of my own pocket gets me unlimited guaranteed sex for 2 days? And in my case, with someone who actually WANTS IT from me...?


Very good insight and advice.

The texting gap is a big red flag here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Very good insight and advice.
> 
> The texting gap is a big red flag here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said that after the text sex he suggested trying it once in real life. She said thats when she said she couldn't. Later on she said she realized she had made a mistake and tried to cut off anything with suggestive language.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

lost2011 said:


> She said that after the text sex he suggested trying it once in real life. She said thats when she said she couldn't. Later on she said she realized she had made a mistake and tried to cut off anything with suggestive language.


Let's assume that your wife's version of events is 100% accurate. Given the circumstances, unlikely, but possible. But, for the sake of this post, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

I still cannot stress enough how important it is that you expose the OM to his wife. IF your wife's story is accurate, he contacted a female acquaintance, got her into a sexting session, then propositioned her to meet for sex. Looking at that sequence of events, what do you think the odds are of this being the first time he's done this? She deserves to know what her husband is doing behind her back. Or, look at it this way...suppose your wife's story ISN'T true, and OMW knows it. Wouldn't you want her to provide you with the truth and allow you to make a fully informed decision about the future (or lack thereof) of your marriage?

Unfortunately, if we assume worst case scenario, your wife and OM have had the opportunity to get their story straight, and he's had warning from you to preemptively discredit anything you might tell his wife. At this point, only a polygraph, continued vigilance (including 100% transparency), or the involvement of OMW will assure the complete truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Again fire your councillor. Since when are thousands of text messages innocent especialy since you cannot read the content.
> 
> The only reason for you not to tell his wife is to give him another chance to restart the affair with your wife. By telling his wife you will show you are standing up for your marriage, will have another set of eyes watching them and if he were to contact your wife he has broken NC . Your wife if she is serious about your marriage will not protest .
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Very well said, could not agree more.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She cheated on you with whoever that guy is.
> 
> And yes, she prob sugarcoated it.
> 
> ...


I read another thread where you gave your ex an aplology letter. was my situation similar to yours?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> She said that after the text sex he suggested trying it once in real life. She said thats when she said she couldn't. Later on she said she realized she had made a mistake and tried to cut off anything with suggestive language.


The timing here is very very suspect. Just when you stepped out of town. 

But then it fires up again after the break,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

lost2011 said:


> Later on she said she realized she had made a mistake and tried to cut off anything with suggestive language.


How about cut off anything...PERIOD.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

MrK said:


> How about cut off anything...PERIOD.


she did. she went ahead and blocked his number on the cell phone without me asking. I don't get the impression she is having contact with him anymore. Just don't think she is comming forward with everything that happened. Think she is remorseful and tries hard. 

I have read some of the other threads on this site and many i can relate too. Many of them i can see her relating to. I sent her a thread of one member asking what to do to gain trust.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds like you really want to work it out, and are giving her every opportunity to do so. But don't let your guard down too soon. One post here talks about his W having the affair behind has back from 1.5 years or so. So hold her feet to the fire.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I had an EA that sounds pretty similar to this. First an incredibly short time line is very possible, especially if they had any previous relationship. Second, if you feel like she's spoon feeding you info (we call this trickle truth) she probably is. Third, if she was that into this guy and she now professes to have cut off contact with him and SHE IS NOT an emotional wreck; I'll bet she's actually still in communication with him and has just taken it deeper underground. Ending an emotional affair is incredibly painful, if your wife is not visibly suffering IMO it's only because she hasn't cut ties with the OM.


I talked to her about her feelings for him. She said it took her awhile to figure out what she was feeling. She said she did have feelings for him then but they were not strong. I had sent her an article i read about a week after i found out showing that some guys use the texting to seduce women. she cried and told me that it hurt cause she thought he had some feelings for her. She says she has none for him now. She seems to get frustrated with my questions but still says its ok to ask. She never tells me not to ask.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

how quickly did your EA happen? Did it seem like an addiction that you knew was wrong but couldn't stop? I really struggle with the fact that within a couple of weeks a person can have attachment to my wife than me. I am not saying that i was a perfect husband and agree with a lot of what she says about me being distant. But we have gone through a lot together and i supported her but it didn't seem to mean as much as the texting conversation she received from this guy. Was that how it was with you?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If it hurt her for her to know that he had some feelings for her, she still has feelings for him. Unless you are saying that she felt used by him, and she's mad that he did that to her.

The frustration is there for me too when I'm asked. It's because of the shame I have brought upon myself and having to talk about it again and again. But that's our reward for a bad decision. I have to live with it and not express anger at anyone other than myself. She might be doing the same.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If it hurt her for her to know that he had some feelings for her, she still has feelings for him. Unless you are saying that she felt used by him, and she's mad that he did that to her.
> 
> The frustration is there for me too when I'm asked. It's because of the shame I have brought upon myself and having to talk about it again and again. But that's our reward for a bad decision. I have to live with it and not express anger at anyone other than myself. She might be doing the same.


She did say that she felt used by him but says she was just as much at fault as he was and didn't think this was the case of him just trying to get sex. 

She does mention the shame a lot and how she relives it. You sound like you know exactly what she is going through. 

My question is how quicly can an emotional attachment happen if you just texted for three weeks?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

lost2011 said:


> My question is how quicly can an emotional attachment happen if you just texted for three weeks?


If the other party works it well, it can take three MINUTES. Three weeks is more than adequate time for a skilled seducer or seductress to hook their target. Their target only sees the positives, not the day-to-day ups and downs of maintaining a relationship like they do with you.

Three weeks. As I mentioned earlier, in the space of three weeks, my wife went from first learning that OM was even on the planet to telling a friend she had no intention of cheating despite the sexual tension between them to having sex with him in a park in broad daylight.

Three weeks...child's play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> She did say that she felt used by him but says she was just as much at fault as he was and didn't think this was the case of him just trying to get sex.
> 
> She does mention the shame a lot and how she relives it. You sound like you know exactly what she is going through.
> 
> My question is how quicly can an emotional attachment happen if you just texted for three weeks?


In the blink of an eye in my case. I went from friend to lover that fast. I actually don't know the days or weeks because it was a known (by the wife) friendship that changed to an affair. All I know is that the affair drug is powerful.

I know the shame all too well. I'm haunted by it every waking minute. It's a constant pain. I'm sure it's not much better for the BS.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> how quickly did your EA happen? Did it seem like an addiction that you knew was wrong but couldn't stop? I really struggle with the fact that within a couple of weeks a person can have attachment to my wife than me. I am not saying that i was a perfect husband and agree with a lot of what she says about me being distant. But we have gone through a lot together and i supported her but it didn't seem to mean as much as the texting conversation she received from this guy. Was that how it was with you?


I went from hello to I love you and a virtual physical affair in 10 days. It was very very much like an addiction. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. My AP (affair partner) and I would have a fight, "break up" (it sounds so ridiculous to say that), and then the next day resume the affair because we couldn't stand to quit it. I wanted out - badly - which is why I basically let myself get caught and then confessed the whole thing. The addiction was so strong that I couldn't even muster the strength to just confess because I knew it would end the affair - even thought I wanted out - I couldn't end it. Yes, when I was deep in my affair it was the most important thing in the world to me. One night while deep in my affair we had to take our 6 week old daughter to the hospital because we thought she was having seizures. They admitted her for observation and my wife spent the night there. I went home to "get some rest" since I had to go to work the next day. Instead of going to sleep I spent the next four hours texting my AP until 1:30 in the morning. Pretty cool of me huh??

Never, ever, underestimate just how far a cheating spouse can get their head up their ass.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

So true Sigma. My story is similar as you know. I can park an RV in my rear now, and still have room to rent.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> So true Sigma. My story is similar as you know. I can park an RV in my rear now, and still have room to rent.


Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly wish i would have found this site right away. I cannot say how much this is helping me. I am thinking that maybe her affair didn't start until July. Based on what I am hearing this can happen very quickly. I have had such a difficult time with understanding her version on how quickly things progressed. I did check text records for the previous couple months in june and may and it did show that he would send her a text once in a while but she would not reply. Still wondering if she is only giving me the tip of the ice burg by trickly truth. Also concerned about her mental health and what affect this is having on my children. I really struggle with wanting her not to get the easy way out but still become a better person. I do worry the stress holds her back. HerToo, i would say your responses are almost carbon copy of what my wife says. I can really empathize with Grayson. It is uterly baffling how this happens. Sigma, was the other woman married also? I have so many questions and hate to take up so much of anyone elses time but boy this is nothing what my conselor can do for me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> The counselor told me before though that it could cause more grief for me if she is telling the truth. It could ruin any chance of reconnecting with my wife. I really feel for his wife though.


Are you and your wife in individual counseling with the same counselor?

He cannot tell you what she says in her private counseling sessions, but it may still bleed over into what he advises you. For example, if your wife denies an affair in private session, your counselor may advise you to not go nuclear. Clients do lie all the time even to their therapists, but the therapist may believe her and operate on that basis. On the other hand, if she admits to an affair in private, the therapist cannot tell you. But his advice may change from what he has said already about not telling OM's wife.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Thor said:


> Are you and your wife in individual counseling with the same counselor?
> 
> He cannot tell you what she says in her private counseling sessions, but it may still bleed over into what he advises you. For example, if your wife denies an affair in private session, your counselor may advise you to not go nuclear. Clients do lie all the time even to their therapists, but the therapist may believe her and operate on that basis. On the other hand, if she admits to an affair in private, the therapist cannot tell you. But his advice may change from what he has said already about not telling OM's wife.


 We are in therapy together. He does save some free time for me on a one on one basis.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> So true Sigma. My story is similar as you know. I can park an RV in my rear now, and still have room to rent.


Thank you so much! the responses i am getting are so helpful.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First - don't worry about our time - we're all here to help others avoid or deal with the mistakes we or our spouses have made. We're here because we want to be. 

Unfortunately my AP was also married with two kids of her own. If I believe everything she told me at face value she was not happy though - too many compromises and got married because she got pregnant. I, on the other hand, was always very happily married. It took the carnage of my affair for my wife and to realize that we were both taking our marriage and "us" fore granted. 

Your W's actions are what are most important. IMO it's really not to hard to tell if someone has taken full ownership of and is willing to be held accountable for something. If she has and is remorseful then, as long as you are willing, reconciling is most certainly possible. Lean on and help each other. 

I will say this, when I first came here I was looking for help dealing with the fact that I couldn't get thoughts of my AP out of my head. Everyone told me that I had to figure out why I became involved in an affair - that there was a reason and I had to find it. Initially I did not agree. I believed that I simply made a horrible mistake and got wrapped up in something I shouldn't have before I realized what it was. I have since learned that the counsel given me by the people here was right. There is a reason she did what she did, likely both in the marriage, but also inside herself. She has to find it, accept it and address it. This is ultimately how she can use this to become a better person - to learn from her mistake.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> First - don't worry about our time - we're all here to help others avoid or deal with the mistakes we or our spouses have made. We're here because we want to be.
> 
> Unfortunately my AP was also married with two kids of her own. If I believe everything she told me at face value she was not happy though - too many compromises and got married because she got pregnant. I, on the other hand, was always very happily married. It took the carnage of my affair for my wife and to realize that we were both taking our marriage and "us" fore granted.
> 
> ...


My wife and i both agree we were disconnected for a couple years and had a routine in life. We really seemed disconnected the couple months prior to the affair. She seemed very angry with me those months and i didn't think i could do anything to please her. I asked for counseling in the spring as something just didn't feel right. we have been through a lot together but one conflict always seemed to be the bomb in our marriage. I work in my familys business with my siblings and an in law. I am the second person in charge of the business. My wife wants to work for me. Being in the position i am in it is best not to have your spouse work for you since there may be a perception of favoritism. My wife is well qualified and i would love to work with her but it would hurt moral in the business. We agreed she could be at home with our kids as this was what she said she wanted most. I thought the job thing would be settled then. It is a lot of pressure to seperate business from family and was glad to think i gave her what she wanted most in the compromise. She then would always bring up the job when we would advertise for a new employee. This i think caused resentment in me thinking that i have done all that i can but all she wanted from me was a job. I did focus my energy on a lot of volunteer projects which brought me some self satisfaction but probably took away the attention i was giving her. She said right away after the discovery that she feels that she really missed having the attention and she was smitten with the attention he was willing to give her. Looking back it was a train wreck happening but i didn't think it would have gotten to this level.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Don't assign yourself any responsibility for her actions. Any short comings of yours in the marriage are a completely separate issue - period. Infidelity is 100% owned by the cheater, responsibility you assign yourself just lets her off the hook, and ultimately gets in the way of her being full accountable and taking ownership. 

Liking the attention is the quick and short answer - everyone likes the attention - but there's still a deeper reason within her. I didn't want to accept that either, but after a lot of soul searching I know that there is. I haven't totally found mine yet but I'm close. Her's is there to somewhere. 

Funny - I work in a family business to, and am also second in charge in conjunction with my father and brother. While my wife has never wanted a job in our organization I get the dynamic. IMO your wife should understand your position and obligation to the business and move past it personally.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I work in my family's business with my siblings and an in law. I am the second person in charge of the business. My wife wants to work for me. Being in the position i am in it is best not to have your spouse work for you since there may be a perception of favoritism. My wife is well qualified and i would love to work with her but it would hurt moral in the business.


Who runs the business, you or your employees? Isn't it a *family* business and aren't your siblings and in-law aren't they family? So if it is okay for them why isn't it okay for your well qualified wife to become part of the business?


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> Who runs the business, you or your employees? Isn't it a *family* business and aren't your siblings and in-law aren't they family? So if it is okay for them why isn't it okay for your well qualified wife to become part of the business?


The business has been in transition to the second generation. It is felt by a few that there should be a nepotism clause and only one family member from each of the sibling should be allowed to work in the business. This has been suggested by the two family business counselors we worked with. It sometimes takes time to transition and feeling get in the way of good business decisions. It was suggested that my brother and i lead by example in this. see Sigma's response.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> The business has been in transition to the second generation. It is felt by a few that there should be a nepotism clause and *only one family member from each of the sibling should be allowed to work in the business.* This has been suggested by the two family business counselors we worked with. It sometimes takes time to transition and feeling get in the way of good business decisions. It was suggested that my brother and i lead by example in this. see Sigma's response.


Forgive me if I seem dense but doesn't that mean that you and your brother each have the option of bringing either a son, daughter or wife into the business as a new employee? After all, your new family is your wife not your brother and the same can be said with regards to him.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> Forgive me if I seem dense but doesn't that mean that you and your brother each have the option of bringing either a son, daughter or wife into the business as a new employee? After all, your new family is your wife not your brother and the same can be said with regards to him.


Part of the troubles we have had and a lot of family businesses have has been nepotism. Our business had problems with putting people in positions because of relationship. This caused huge moral problems and good business decisions were not made because of this. We are working on putting policies together to mitigate these types of problems. Since just a few changes to management have been made the business has become extremely successful the past few years. The benefit of ownership is in by no means a job but what the business can provide for the owners. 

To answer your question i cannot have my spouse be a subbordinate of mine. she could work for another location but would have to travel extensively to do so. I also have told my kids that it is best for them to work for someone else and gain experiance. I want them to appreciate what they may have some day and be good stewards. I also would not allow them to be my subordinates. They too would have to work at a different location.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I see now, thank you for the clarification.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> It sounds like you really want to work it out, and are giving her every opportunity to do so. But don't let your guard down too soon. One post here talks about his W having the affair behind has back from 1.5 years or so. So hold her feet to the fire.


sorry meant my last response for you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

lost2011 said:


> I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.


I know you were asking for mori's input, but if I may....

As one of those advising you to expose to OMW, and as someone who did expose to the OMW, you just have to approach it bluntly. And by that, I mean she didn't seem to be terribly concerned about the consequences when indulging in her sexting (or more). She had no assurance that his phone was secure, nor that any information exchanged wouldn't be made public. It's a little late for her to be concerned about negative consequences now. I've said it before, I'll say it again: OMW most certainly has a right to know that her husband is actively soliciting sex with other women.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

People here are going to almost universally tell you to tell her. I'm not one of them. To me it depends on the situation. It is the most certain and absolute way to end the affair, so if you have any belief that it is still going on I absolutely agree with telling the OM/W's spouse. However, if things in your world are good and your comfortable that the A is over and things are progressing I see no reason to upset the apple cart. 

In my case, neither my wife or I ever told my AP's husband. My wife almost did as an effort to get my AP to quit contacting me but my AP got the message before my wife had to do that. My wife and I discussed it quite a bit and both did not want the drama and the renewed presence in our life that telling him would have given my affair. 

So, if it improves or serves you or your marriages needs then by all means. Otherwise I say don't. I will be in the minority on this though.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.



The other spouse deserves to know...bottom line. 

Shame? Well that happens in these situations....it's a product of her actions.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> In the blink of an eye in my case. I went from friend to lover that fast. I actually don't know the days or weeks because it was a known (by the wife) friendship that changed to an affair. All I know is that the affair drug is powerful.
> 
> I know the shame all too well. I'm haunted by it every waking minute. It's a constant pain. I'm sure it's not much better for the BS.


Can i ask in what way are you haunted? I understand i have to focus on myself and be cautios but really do not wish my wife pain. I would really like to understand what you are going through. I talked to her last night on this and she teared up. she says she is haunted by images of the look on my face when i found out. She feels the shame. She says hurting me is the most painful thing about it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.


You need to demonstrate that there are severe consequences for these actions. Not only does the OMW need to know what was happening but your W needs to understand that her participation has far reaching effects as well. Even though you might not see it now taking this action will make you stronger in the long run. And the stronger you are the stronger your relationship is.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's the ultimate shame, for me anyways. Imagine being a young kid again and disappointing your parents in the biggest way possible, and seeing it on their face every day. Regardless of the real expression on their face, you can only see the heartache you caused. And you see this every day, hour minute. Causing a hurt that can not be undone. You look in the mirror and are disgusted with what you see. What you have become. Regardless of the amount of remorse you exhibit, it will never be enough. There are not enough "I'm sorry" statements to dull the pain. You seek your prison to suffer in. Hell has come to visit you. You made God cry. Most of all, you made the most important person in your life cry from the core of their being. 

At least, that's been my life. But things do get a little better, then fall back, then get back on track. 

I hope your wife does better than what I have described.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Feel free to PM me if you want to. I don't know if I can give any worthy advice though. I can only share what I've learned about my situation. If I had good advice, I'd be applying it myself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I've torn more pages off my calendar than Hertoo since my affair came to light so I'll say it a different way. I went through exactly what he did for the better part of a year. I traded a piece of my soul for that affair that I'll never get back. When the affair ended it left a hole in my soul where the part I traded use to be. For a long time it bled badly. Today it has mostly scarred over, but it is still there. Some days it hurts more than others. It will never go away, the scar from what I did will be with me for the rest of my life. 

It's a horrible thing to intentionally hurt to the core the one person in this life you love and that you swore to protect, honor and cherish. 

I will never forget the night of D Day, when my wife was in complete shambles wanting to hold her and make it better so badly, but I couldn't. I was the reason she was a wreck and I was afraid to even touch her. Imagine that struggle in your heart. One part wanting nothing more than to help the person you love and the other part knowing that you caused this and being afraid to even touch that person. It's a horrible horrible place to be.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Well said Sigma


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I've torn more pages off my calendar than Hertoo since my affair came to light so I'll say it a different way. I went through exactly what he did for the better part of a year. I traded a piece of my soul for that affair that I'll never get back. When the affair ended it left a hole in my soul where the part I traded use to be. For a long time it bled badly. Today it has mostly scarred over, but it is still there. Some days it hurts more than others. It will never go away, the scar from what I did will be with me for the rest of my life.
> 
> It's a horrible thing to intentionally hurt to the core the one person in this life you love and that you swore to protect, honor and cherish.
> 
> I will never forget the night of D Day, when my wife was in complete shambles wanting to hold her and make it better so badly, but I couldn't. I was the reason she was a wreck and I was afraid to even touch her. Imagine that struggle in your heart. One part wanting nothing more than to help the person you love and the other part knowing that you caused this and being afraid to even touch that person. It's a horrible horrible place to be.




My wife described D day much the same way as you did Sigma. It was a total loss in trust that day. I felt the fourteen years of a relationship and 12 years a marriage to her was a joke. I was a fool. I did not even know this person anymore. I wondered if she had really cared for me it would have been easy to stop. I wondered if this happened every time i left. She told me she really did love me and i shouted back (i am not one to raise my voice) no you don't! 

I went from being a strong in control person to nothing. I read where someone said that death was more preferable. I would have agreed at that point and the first couple months afterward. 

Her telling me what happened was the only thing that kept me from asking her to leave those first couple of days. I considered her the most selfish self centered person i knew. 


She knows that i am conversing with people in a forum. I sense she feels frightened about this especially monday night after i first started. She said i sense you want me to leave. If she only knew how much this has helped reinforce what she is saying especially from those who were in her shoes. Knowing the mindset is immensly helpful and i appreciate those who are sharing their experiance with me. knowing you really care about your spouses helps!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe you should have her get online and PM some of us who are / have been in her shoes? 

She can hear my story and say "Holy crap! At least I'm not like that ****head!".


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Maybe you should have her get online and PM some of us who are / have been in her shoes?
> 
> She can hear my story and say "Holy crap! At least I'm not like that ****head!".


I sent her a thread. Hoping she woudl check it out. Would love to have her here your story but really don't want her reading my thread or checking out the threads you have responded to and finding mine.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I understand. Feel free to cut and paste my steaming pile into Word and giving it to her. You can even be the go between if she has questions. I'd offer to communicate with her via email, but we both know what I did last time I tried to "help" a female friend.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I understand. Feel free to cut and paste my steaming pile into Word and giving it to her. You can even be the go between if she has questions. I'd offer to communicate with her via email, but we both know what I did last time I tried to "help" a female friend.


Did bring it up to her. sent you a PM.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Did bring it up to her. sent you a PM.


I would like to thank everyone for their help. It has been extremely helpful. Would really appreciate a womans view on the situation also.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I would like to thank everyone for their help. It has been extremely helpful. Would really appreciate a womans view on the situation also.


As a woman who had both an E/A and P/A, exposure was necessary in order that OM's wife be aware of her husband's actions, and with it, she can make a choice whether or not she will stay in the marriage. My guess is that he has done this to her before, and has denied yada yada, and therefore left her feeling crazy or paranoid. It will not stall or ruin your R. You need some closure, and he needs to have consequences.

In my situation OM had had previous flings and had denied it to the end of the earth, he actutually told me that she was paranoid, had him remove his FB account, and basically had him on a tight leash. He used to complain to me about it....it was all sick. When my hubby gave her the exposure letter, she was shocked, but she had the information, and he could no longer deny it, although he still tried the idiot. These people are toxic for any marriage....wouldn't you want to be told?

And if you have any fears or doubts that the affair is still going on, exposure should kill it.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> As a woman who had both an E/A and P/A, exposure was necessary in order that OM's wife be aware of her husband's actions, and with it, she can make a choice whether or not she will stay in the marriage. My guess is that he has done this to her before, and has denied yada yada, and therefore left her feeling crazy or paranoid. It will not stall or ruin your R. You need some closure, and he needs to have consequences.
> 
> In my situation OM had had previous flings and had denied it to the end of the earth, he actutually told me that she was paranoid, had him remove his FB account, and basically had him on a tight leash. He used to complain to me about it....it was all sick. When my hubby gave her the exposure letter, she was shocked, but she had the information, and he could no longer deny it, although he still tried the idiot. These people are toxic for any marriage....wouldn't you want to be told?
> 
> And if you have any fears or doubts that the affair is still going on, exposure should kill it.


I told my wife i would put the exposure on hold. I really have no indication that the affair is continuing. I am in a very difficult position for exposure also. My wife has even said she feels his wife has the right to know. The possibility of both of us talking to her has even surfaced but like i said we are making progress and think that the fallout from the exposure could cause more harm to our marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I was told by our counselor to try and keep this quiet and keep it between myself, my wife, him and God as he did not want her to be embarrassed or cause a stir in the area in which i liveI am well off and a prominent person in the area of which I live........
> .....my counselor says that he believes that my wife wanted the attention. Thinks she loves me a great deal but got caught up in something like an addiction and couldn't figure out how to cut loose.


Your counselor is inept or stupid, get a new one immediately or dump the counsellor all together.
If you get a new one make sure he`s a professional and not the pastor at your local church. 


You must inform the OM`s wife ASAP.

This will make it more difficult for your wife to continue the affair if his wife is watching me like a hawk.
The flip side is it will make him more available if she dumps him.

Either way you win as you`ll learn where your wifes loyalties really lie if he gets dumped.

The OMW might very well have information about the affair she could share with you as well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I didn't tell him. i had my wife text it to him. I did threaten to tell his wife.
> 
> I was told by our counselor to try and keep this quiet and keep it between myself, my wife, him and God as he did not want her to be embarrassed or cause a stir in the area in which i liveI am well off and a prominent person in the area of which I live. Although i don't believe i was arrogant i did have high self esteem. Now i am humbled beyond words.
> 
> my counselor says that he believes that my wife wanted the attention. Thinks she loves me a great deal but got caught up in something like an addiction and couldn't figure out how to cut loose. I would like to believe this but just have hunches she has minimized what happened. She is willing to talk to me about it and crys when i am depressed. i do feel she has cut off contact but will probably buy one of the devices to track keyboard input. Has anyone had luck in making the relationship better after the affair? or does the dead fealing never go away?


Surely this is not a real and experienced counselor. That is absurd.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> Mr. K. I was trying to answer this...
> 
> 
> 
> in the broad scheme of things, 1,300 text messages isn't really that much... depending on how much his wife texts. My WH texted his AP 10,000 times in two weeks. So it could have been sexting and she's told him everything... or she could be just sugar coating it considering that there's an evening she can't account for.


In the total scheme of things a man and woman exchanging more than a handful of texts in a week raises an eyebrow. This many with a person of the oppiste sex is a full lown affair. No matter the content.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.


Expose. Affairs are less likely to continue when the secret is out.
You have a possible ally in the OMs wife. Otherwise it is your wife, her OM and unfotuantely your counselor keeping things secret.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I have had many responses telling me i should tell the other mans wife. My counselor advised me to keep things quit. Would really value your opinion on this. There is a good chance that if i did many people would know about it. I believe this would cause my wife even more shame and embarrasment hurting our chances of recovery. Want to talk to the counselor about it but really would value your input.


Again, your wife needs to feel the shame and embarrassment for her actions, it will help YOU with your R. She needs to know you will not accept this type of behavior EVER.

Btw, that counselor is awful, telling you to keep things "quiet", kind of like shhhh, it'll all go away, don't worry about it. You have to deal with everything, and it will hurt like hell.

I wanted to add my 2 cents about the texts, it literally took me about 4 days from one text comment from him, to full blown texting, and then some sexual comments, and deciding to meet up. It moves very quickly. I remember him texting the first time and saying "thanks for the bagels", and then we ended up texting for hours. It's pretty crazy.


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