# divorced, would like ex-wife back



## aroundtheworld (Jun 6, 2012)

My wife left me 6 months ago while I was working out of state. We had been married 1 1/2 years, but together for 8 years. Prior to leaving, we talked about how being away for a couple months would strengthen our relationship (we had never been away from each other for this long). She even came out to visit me a few weeks in and we had a great weekend together. About 1 month from coming home, she said she wasn't happy and wanted to leave. I tried to talk her out of it. I probably tried too hard, begged her to wait until I got home to discuss it some more. When I came home, she was gone. 

Over the last 6 months of hell, I have remained calm and tried to show her my devotion to our marriage and my love to her. I gave her space and proceeded with the divorce as she requested. I'm now trying very hard to proceed with life without her but I still sometimes send her a quick text and she will do the same to me. 

We are officially divorced but I still love her and feel we could have had a long, happy future together. We have no kids, but have been together for along time and her family was relatively close to me. I know the chances of us being together at some point are slim and I can't live life assuming this will happen.

But I'd like to hear some advice, hopefully from other women to get their thoughts on why she may have left, what she could be looking for in a relationship and how they think I should proceed to at some point down the road have a relationship with her. Keeping in mind, I don't want to be 'just friends.'

To put it in context on where we are at, I received the following email from her today:

"You were always an amazing husband full of integrity and good intentions. I am sorry that I can't be your wife anymore. My life has settled into a different groove - one that doesn't support us together romantically. But I do feel so strongly that you need to know it was nothing you did or didn't do...you always looked out for our well-being and were a great provider, partner and best friend. I know me saying that might confuse you because that sounds like the perfect marriage, but my change of heart threw a wrench in that chain, and I decided I needed to pursue life in a different way, in a different direction, in order to stay true to what I was feeling inside.

We were together 8 years and I treasure those so much, and still smile fondly on all of our adventures, quirky conversations and intimate moments. I am grateful that you have been gentle to me throughout these changes - just proof that you are a man with great integrity.

You have everything a girl would want in a husband...and I think even now more so than ever, since you have been really fine-tuning yourself. I really want you to be happy, and I picture you finding someone soon who loves everything about you, and is worthy of your undying devotion. I picture that for you. I want you to have that so badly. You deserve more than I could give you if I were still with you. So, I know that your next relationship is not far away...and that it will be so fulfilling to you.

I appreciate every single word you say and write to me, so thank you. I hope this note finds you well, and that you know I love you always."


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Can I be blunt? What a load of crap. The old I love you but am not in love with you note. She is done, and while the words may somewhat soothe you, they were most likely meant for her...to ease her conscience.

Something was wrong and you either didn't know, or chose not to see it, but you are going to have to let it go. I know that is way easier said than done, but the marriage you remember, the woman you remember is dead.


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## aroundtheworld (Jun 6, 2012)

Yeah, thanks for the honesty samyeager. I figured as much. I tried to see a councilor with her but she wanted no part of it. Not 100% sure what went wrong, but I wanted to find out and see if we could make it work.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Aroundtheworld, I'm not even going to tell you how long it took me to get over my ex, but I have to agree that this letter was more about her guilt than about any kind of reality.

I'm sorry, and I wish you the happiest of futures. Probably won't be with her, but I hope it will be with someone better!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I am going through a situation myself where my wife told me that while she has not given up, she is done trying and that if we are to work things out, I have to be the one to do the work, so it is a very delicate situation at the moment, but I am absolutely dreading the I love you but am not in love with you speech that may come. I would like to think that I am ready for it, but until it happens...no idea.

No councilor is rough. You should try to see one on your own. It will help a lot Not necessarily to figure out what went wrong, but to help you figure out how to move on and become the person you want to be for you, and not what your ex-wife wants you to be.


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## aroundtheworld (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks lamaga, I appreciate it. Samyeager, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully you can persuade your wife to seeing a councilor together. I have no clue how delicate marriages can work out without one. If things don't work out, my advice would be to start new hobbies, go on vacations even by yourself, think positive, and say yes to everything, i.e. going out to restaurants with friends, etc.

I've thought about seeing a councilor. I have gone through a lot of grieving and feel much better than where I was at earlier this year. However, when I receive notes like this, or text messages, it is near impossible for me not to respond. I'm considering blocking her number at this point for my own sanity but then that thought of us someone reconciling in the future pops in my head and I don't want to be completely shut off, or unavailable.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

*She gave you a sweet kiss off and left you for an affair.*

You can just tell by that line of crap about *"needing space to find herself*" and hoping you'd be ok with it.... You know, *"let's work on us, but not go to counseling or actually talk about our problems openly"*. That you were perfect and yet her *"heart wasn't in it"*, *"not meant to be romantically"*, *"I love you, but in not in love with YOU"*.

*These are all common phrases used by a spouse having an affair!* The real nail in the coffin was that last part about pushing you towards another relationship with a more deserving woman. A woman will never tell you this unless she's lost all interest in you and wants to let you down nicely. 

*Show of hand for every BS here that's heard one or more of the previous lines. *Raises hand**

To add insult to injury, *she couldn't even stick it out long enough to see just how good marriage can get.* Which tells me she either didn't want to try when things got rough, didn't want to change lifestyles, or didn't want to give up a relationship with a possible EA or full blown PA. Either way, you deserve so much better than her. She was looking for an escape and didn't have what it took to stay in a good relationship with a great man, you are a great man among the army of us here at TAM and can do much better.


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## aroundtheworld (Jun 6, 2012)

Nsweet - Thanks for the post. I have thought about this alot. To be honest, in my gut I've always wondered if this was the case considering how quickly attitudes changed while I was away working. Also, everything you said does point to that direction. HOwever, I need to just choose to move on, not dwell on what did happen and make a better life for myself.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There's a lot to learn before you ever consider another relationship with her or another woman. Keep in mind any excuse to "get space" from you, when you're not overly chasing her or bothering her, is generally a very bad sign. You will have to learn the warning signs on an EA and know how to handle it as soon as possible. And above all never defend or enable a woman who has clearly over stepped your boundaries without remorse. Keep that in mind because you will probably see her again when you don't want her, but part of you feels the need to give her another chance.


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## aroundtheworld (Jun 6, 2012)

I've been overly nice to her when we went through the divorce. As you pointed out, she overstepped her boundaries to me as a man, as a person. The reason I tried to stay composed and nice was to not give her anymore justification to what she was doing. After receiving this note though, I feel compelled to write back with honesty saying how much hurt she caused me.

I"m almost positive everyone on here would tell me to shut off communication and move on. But I'll ask anyway, in your would it be good to write back or ignore this?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I donno dude, that note she wrote you was just a personal rub n tug in my opinion .. I personally just sent my ex an email on Tue and it was NOTHING like that. I didn't glorify her at all, I just came clean with my own personal thoughts of MY shortcomings in our marriage.

It was not one of you did this to me and that to me, I miss you, love you please come back. At the end of it I told her I would not be sending her anymore emails, that there was no seeking validation from her or even a reply. Said I would respect her request for a divorce and the space that came with it. Also said I was still willing to have an open conversation when she was ready.

Really, it depends on your intent. For me it was closure, yeah it sucks that she didn't respond but at the same time .. meh, I said my peace.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Nsweet is a pretty smart guy for such a young'un! Listen to him. Your ex is trying a alleviate her guilt by writing such syrupy drivel. Shame on her for playing with your feelings, and making you think that you might still have a chance at getting together again.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Nsweet is a pretty smart guy for such a young'un! Listen to him. Your ex is trying a alleviate her guilt by writing such syrupy drivel. Shame on her for playing with your feelings, and making you think that you might still have a chance at getting together again.


I'm not seeing where she left open the possibility of them getting together again, seems pretty clear that she's done, for whatever undisclosed reason that may be, likely an affair as others have suggested.

Hey at least she didn't stay with him while fooling around with someone else and hiding it, and she didn't blast him and make it all about it being his fault that she left him. 

There are worse stories on here. 

FAR worse.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

In my opinion I think you should send your XW a note and ask her to read the note she sent to you. Follow up with the following "Now, don't you think I am owed the real reason you broke up the M"?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

here is the decode.



> "You were always an amazing husband full of integrity and good intentions.


I loved you for a while but you no longer excite me.



> I am sorry that I can't be your wife anymore.


I met someone else and that would be dishonest to stay married to you any longer and screw him.



> My life has settled into a different groove - one that doesn't support us together romantically.


I am with someone else and I like screwing him. I feel a bit guilty about lying to you but not too much.



> But I do feel so strongly that you need to know it was nothing you did or didn't do...


I just like someone better.




> you always looked out for our well-being and were a great provider, partner and best friend.


You were great friend, and you paid the bills. 



> I know me saying that might confuse you because that sounds like the perfect marriage,


I liked the security of the marriage but this guy is awesome!



> but my change of heart threw a wrench in that chain, and I decided I needed to pursue life in a different way,


But I met this guy quiet by accident and my new guy who has a unicorn.



> in a different direction,


And has promised to take me to end of rainbow



> in order to stay true to what I was feeling inside.


I get hot for him, and not you.

and the last line..


> Love you always.


BULL****.!!!

I hate these apology emails They are so COLD and a lie from beginning to end. Don't respond or talk to her anymore. It is over. She is happy.


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