# A female relative's husband cheated on her, What can I say or do?



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have a female relative, who just found out that her husband of many years (they have three grown adult children who live in other places) has been having an affair(s). She is devastated and taking anti-depressants. It is all she can do to get out of bed, hasn't eaten for days. She has said she is through with him, wants a divorce and deserves better. 

What can I say to her that would be helpful to where she is now? As a guy, I really don't have a clue as to what to say that would emotionally help her. I am live in another continent, but visit with her occasionally, if I didn't live so far away, I would try to visit. 

I put it hear rather than coping with infidelity as I really wanted to get a woman's perspective. If the Moderators want to put it somewhere else, fine.

Thanks.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Is there need for you to say anything? You can build her up and make sure she understands the affairs weren’t a reflection of her as a spouse necessarily (you know more than we do) and while I know many like to say the only one to blame is the one stepping out and that’s generally right. Relationships are complicated, messy.. idk.

I’m not sure you need to say anything unless she’s confiding in you I suppose.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

"I'm sorry."


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Just be there for her and don't say/do anything stupid if she wants to talk about it. 

I remember how much it stung when a close male relative told me bad things happen to people who don't go to church, and then watched a romantic comedy about finding "the one" with his wife right in front of me the week DD happened. I still get butthurt every time I think about it, it really hurt at the time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she any family close by who can help her? Are her children supportive?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I have a female relative, who just found out that her husband of many years (they have three grown adult children who live in other places) has been having an affair(s). She is devastated and taking anti-depressants. It is all she can do to get out of bed, hasn't eaten for days. She has said she is through with him, wants a divorce and deserves better.
> 
> What can I say to her that would be helpful to where she is now? As a guy, I really don't have a clue as to what to say that would emotionally help her. I am live in another continent, but visit with her occasionally, if I didn't live so far away, I would try to visit.
> 
> ...


Advise her to get a family law attorney and not to try to share one with the guy she's divorcing. If she needs help with cash of course it would be nice if anyone could help with that. If they have assets then they should be able to get that cash back after the settlement. Be sure she understands that cheating doesn't really affect how the divorce proceedings go so it's not like she needs to collect evidence or anything.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sfort said:


> "I'm sorry."


Best advice ^^^^^

"I'm sorry this is happening to you"

Keep in mind, her tolerance and trust for men _might not_ be at an all-time high. Simple and short if you have to say anything at all as @Bulfrog1987 said.

When scenarios like this happen in my world I send my wife to do the talking to the ladies.
I only talk if invited.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

You might also suggest she visit TAM and read - will be a learning experience I'm sure

Those who have never had infidelity experience are unprepared with how to move forward.
Also she should look to see if there are any local resources that can help. 

Doctor or a Counselor (NOT religious based) - maybe an "interest" group?


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