# Are you REALLY giving her what she wants?



## Red Riding Hood (Apr 14, 2011)

Hi,

I've been lurking around on TAM for the last six months or so, and just recently registered. I have an issue that I would like comment on from the men.

First some background on me. My H and I have been married 22+ years; we are both in our upper 40's; we have two sons - one in high school; one in early elementary. We've had our ups and downs like anybody. Overall, I would say the trajectory of our marriage has been upward, though, and when I've asked my H about this he agrees.

We've done the love language thing recently. No surprise - his primary love language was physical touch/affection and mine was words of affirmation. He was really surprised at mine, though I am not (No surprise on his.  ) I grew up in a great family; we are close-knit, but there wasn't ever any "atta girls" or "we are so proud of you". It was usually just expected that you attended to your business in the best way possible. I guess I must crave that verbal affirmation because of that.

So, my H is kind of a mix of what I would call alpha and beta. I would not classify him as a "nice guy" per the definitions on this forum. But one thing is that I cannot remember one time since we have been married that he has ever complimented me in any way. No "you look nice", "you smell nice", etc. He does occasionally say that he loves me, and he will occasionally text me and call me things like "hot stuff" or "*****cat". Not much else.

Anyway, I don't know that his personality will really let him do the affirmation thing without it seeming kind of fake on his part. So, to you men on the boards, do you know what your wife really requires from an emotional perspective, and if so, do you feel like you can readily meet that need without it seeming forced on your part? I'm not sure that there's really anything I can do about this in my situation. I've kind of accepted that he is the way he is, and I am what I am. I don't really hold on to it, or resent it. We're in a resurgence intimacy-wise, and this doesn't hold me back, but it would be nice to have him say that he's "in" to me (he sure acts it, though.)

Thoughts? Thanks for reading.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Considering you have both read it some notes.

1)you realize those littletouches he give are him trying to show you love in the best way he knows

2) that when showing love its not about what you want/need but the person you are showing it to needs.

I am going through a rough patch right now possible D or Legal Sep and almost a definite on a distance seperation. I just read the Five love languages myself. I realized I was not giving my wife what I needed nor her me (I knew part of it but the other part)

I am near trilingal of physical touch, words and quality time in that order. I spent the most time on Physical touch and quality time. Words I understand but don't speak well (my father was very verbaly and emotionaly abusive and I am very broken when it comes to speaking lovingly much like your husband its I love you or your pretty but not much beyond that)

My spouse on the other hand is a Acts, words and quality time person. Like you she didn't recieve much praise or criticism so she desires the words but has no real way to hear them or speak them. Quality time we were both doing ok on, but I was failing to speak acts for her. I grew up always being able to convince others to do work for me I didn't want to do(laundry, cleaning etc) When I was in highschool I use to actualy date girls that would clean my room for me after we were "done" and while I was asleep. And PDA was absolutley forbidden in her house so she has no idea how to express physical touch in a romantic way (she does fine in a friendly way)

Anyways so I would feel neglected and I would neglect her or vice versa all in a vicous cycle. After D-dayI realized I need to takecare of her regardless. The five love languages confirmed that. And it has had amazing affect. From I want a divorce now to divorce just being a slim possibility.

as you have both read it might I suggest following its advice and start playing the love tank game soyou can get what you need. Or just talk to him openly and honestly about which of your needs aren't being met. I know if I would of known all these years I would of done better. I can't change that but there are two of you in the relationship make him pick up his half of the bags he will love you all the more for it.


Sorry went on a tangent
Back


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> Considering you have both read it some notes.
> 
> 1)you realize those littletouches he give are him trying to show you love in the best way he knows
> 
> 2) that when showing love its not about what you want/need but the person you are showing it to needs.


:iagree:

So true. My husband will occasionally reach out and pat me - telling me he loves me.

He just sucks at showing it physically.

But not just to me - with anyone he cares about in his life.

It's just who he is.

So I learned to recognize those times when he is "giving to me" in his own way and have learned to accept that it is what he can give.


----------



## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Red Riding Hood said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've been lurking around on TAM for the last six months or so, and just recently registered. I have an issue that I would like comment on from the men.
> 
> ...



Yes, I know my wife. She is fairly evenly split between Words of Affirmation and Acts of service. In our conversations my wife tells me how deliriously happy she is and she can't understand why I don't feel the same way.

I, on the other hand, am primarily Physical Touch with secondary being Quality Time and right behind that words of Affirmation.

My wife tells me all the times she shows me how much she loves my doing things for me and wanting to do things for me. I've told her many times that it actually IRRITATES me when she's constantly asking me if she can do things for me. 

She thinks I should feel love the same way she does. I don't. I've tried to explain this to her. She doesn't care.

A big part of my journey was learning that I had to give her what she needs needs and she has to give me what I need or else one, or both of us will never be content.

As I said earlier, my wife tells me she is very happy in our marriage and she can't understand how I'm not. It is only sex and a very small part of marriage and she shows me she loves me everyday by making dinner, doing laundry, asking how my day was, how I slept, etc.

In the same token, could I not tell her that I show her how much I love her by going to work every day? Then I don't need to do things for her, tell her I love her, etc, she should already know it.

So to answer your question yes, I know how to give her exactly what she wants, and needs, and no, it is never reciprocated.

You can always tell who is content in a marriage and who is not. The first instinct of those of us who are not content is how to make the other happy so they will reciprocate. It doesn't work. The other half is ALREADY content and there is NO NEED for them to consider looking into how to make things better. THEY DON'T NEED IT TO BE BETTER.

I am now actively working to make my marriage worse. In the next month or two, I will either break it, or fix it, and I'm almost to the point where I don't care which.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Boogs,

That will maximize your chances of success.

If nothing is on the line, your fear will be zero - and the other party will see your lack of fear.

It's a good thing.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Boogs,
It is extremely disturbing that your W would tell you how super happy she is while she is keenly aware that you are quite unhappy. 

Let me give you an analogy. You quit your current job to take a position elsewhere that you like much better. BUT the catch is the pay is quite a bit lower. The end of the month comes and your W is very stressed about bills because suddenly your expenses are greater than income. Say she has just told you how anxious and upset she is. 

What do you think would happen if you completely ignored her misery and proceeded to tell her how much you love your new job and how deliriously happy you are. My guess, she would flip out. And she would be justified. 

If you want to maximize the speed of your "communication":
1. Stop letting her do stuff for you. 
- If she is big about cooking you dinner, eat just before you get home. 
- If she is big about doing your laundry, start doing your own laundry. 
- Don't let her do "stuff" for you - and ask her to stop saying she loves you - and start "showing" she loves you in a way that means something to you. 
2. Stop saying ILY and doing stuff for her - be polite and respectful and upbeat and fun to be around. But stop being loving. 
3. Start spending more and more time with friends/at the gym and less time at home. 
4. When she tries to re-assert the status quo - just ignore her attempts




Boogsie said:


> Yes, I know my wife. She is fairly evenly split between Words of Affirmation and Acts of service. In our conversations my wife tells me how deliriously happy she is and she can't understand why I don't feel the same way.
> 
> I, on the other hand, am primarily Physical Touch with secondary being Quality Time and right behind that words of Affirmation.
> 
> ...


----------



## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Boogs,
> It is extremely disturbing that your W would tell you how super happy she is while she is keenly aware that you are quite unhappy.
> 
> Let me give you an analogy. You quit your current job to take a position elsewhere that you like much better. BUT the catch is the pay is quite a bit lower. The end of the month comes and your W is very stressed about bills because suddenly your expenses are greater than income. Say she has just told you how anxious and upset she is.
> ...


This is exactly what I am starting to do.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Red Riding Hood said:


> Anyway, I don't know that his personality will really let him do the affirmation thing without it seeming kind of fake on his part. So, to you men on the boards, do you know what your wife really requires from an emotional perspective, and if so, do you feel like you can readily meet that need without it seeming forced on your part? I'm not sure that there's really anything I can do about this in my situation. I've kind of accepted that he is the way he is, and I am what I am. I don't really hold on to it, or resent it. We're in a resurgence intimacy-wise, and this doesn't hold me back, but it would be nice to have him say that he's "in" to me (he sure acts it, though.)
> 
> Thoughts? Thanks for reading.


Don't want to get into a rant, but I see this who concept of how we are fixed, inflexible animals here on TAM so often. In other words, we say that we are locked into some basic personality limitations, and can only pattern our behaviors along some sort of mysterious behaviors set by our own upbringing. This is giving your husband a free pass, in my opinion.

I guarantee you that if you told him that you were leaving him to find a man who could give you words of affirmation, he'd develop a PHD in it so fast that your head would spin. A more practical stimuli, however, would come into play if he just committed to try. It's highly unlikely that you would not respond. Now, he's linked a behavior to a response, and it becomes addictive.

I grew up in a family where words of affirmation were never used, but this is my wife's preferred style. Because my wife suffers from some diagnosed antisocial traits, she finds it realy hard to recognize that others have a conscience. It other words, other people do not exist to her beyond what she can see. So, her words are extremely cutting at times. She finds herself being the conscience of everyone she knows. It's a part of her bipolar condition. If I would've seen this 20 years ago, I would've kept her out of our children's lives. Instead, I became the affirmation to them. I'm their life cheerleader. It never once occured to me that this was outside my personality. It just needed to be done.

BTW - I think this is the only case where people get a pass on such limitations. When they are mentally incapable of learning affirmation.

I say all of this just to suggest that you ask him to work on meeting your needs. My best friend remarried a couple of years ago. He's a mechanical engineer, and her need for affirmation was something he couldn't understand. It went against his nature. A year later, though, he was incredibly adept at it.


----------



## Blue Skye (Apr 22, 2011)

Halien said:


> I say all of this just to suggest that you ask him to work on meeting your needs.


:iagree:



Halien said:


> My best friend remarried a couple of years ago. He's a mechanical engineer, and her need for affirmation was something he couldn't understand. It went against his nature. A year later, though, he was incredibly adept at it.


I had to laugh this. My H and I have taken the languages quiz and I came up with acts of service followed by words of affirmation. My H is great at the acts of service, but he has always had a harder time with the words of affirmation -- and he's an ENGINEER! Maybe it's something about the analytical way they think that causes this to be harder for them. Anyway, it is something that I think can be learned behavior, young or old.


----------



## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm not sure what my W wants, I've spent the last 10 years doing it all and getting nothing in return. Frankly I don't care anymore what she wants until she shows some interest in meeting my needs. It is unfortunate when only one person in the marriage is working on it. At this pace soon I will be calling it quits.


----------



## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

My wife is precious to me. She is the most important person in my life. I made it my business to know what she likes and dislikes...her wants, needs and desires. I listen to her when she speaks and I listen to her actions. She helps me to live more selflessly, although I'm not sure she realizes this last point, despite my telling her so. 

I have experienced a great deal of emotional pain (and caused enough of my own) in past relationships. Therapy and rigorous self-care have helped me realize that I do not want to live in pain any longer, so I don't live oblivious to the people in my life and the reality that is my life. Therefore, I ask questions. I find reasons to care and to be loving.

I am also a very verbal person. I usually get my physical needs met sexually, but my emotional needs are best met through conversation. So, I tend to talk a lot. 

Far from being a "nice" guy, I tend toward confrontation and discourse. I need to talk about issues immediately or I become very frustrated. I have found this quality to be a double-edged sword. On one hand, I talk about feelings, emotions, issues, etc. which is good. On the other hand, I can say too much and become overly opinionated if I am not careful.

I have noticed that my wife needs to be touched. Sexually, yes, but also hugged and caressed. These are little ways that I let her know that I care, that I notice her, that she is on my mind. I hold her hand every time we are in the car together. We kiss every time we part, and the moment we see each other again.

I have also noticed that she likes to do things for me. She likes to cook a complicated recipe (even though I am a better cook) for me, she likes to bring me coffee in bed. She will show more of her emotions through little gestures like this. All I have to do is acknowledge these things and let her know she is appreciated. That she is loved.

My wife needs me to flirt with her, and although I am NOT a flirtatious person by nature, I have found ways to flirt (thank you, text messages and email!). This is an area that I have had to learn in order to please her. The rewards are all mine, because this leads to a healthy sexual attraction, so it is in my best interest to learn how to flirt with her.

She loves it when I stroke her hair and read to her. Which I find adorable. She also likes it when I ask her out on dates. I will make reservations at a restaurant and let her know when we need to be ready earlier in the day.

I could probably get away with not doing these things, but why? Resistance to do things that she enjoys would be selfish and lazy. If I truly love her, as I do, then of course, I will do things that she likes. Is this submissive? Hardly. It is loving. I will not let my machismo or my ego interfere with showing this very basic affection.


----------

