# He say's 'All guys are like this' IS IT TRUE?



## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.

I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why would you disrespect yourself like this?

It`s apparent he hasn`t a clue what love is at all.

He doesn`t love you, no man loves a woman and treats her like this.


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## s3xy_g33k (Apr 11, 2012)

If he is defining love by how much oral sex he gets, then he obviously has a warped mindset. If he truly loved you, he would see that his behavior is ridiculous and disrespectful. Has he been like this since the beginning of your relationship? Also, have you discussed your feelings on the matter?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off acting like that in front of the children is unacceptable.

Well the BJs thing isn't 100% universal. I like them well enough, but if my wife never gave me another I wouldn't cry a river either. Other guys feel differently from what I've picked up on the forums here.

As for feeling sex helping men feel more connected to their wives, sure that part is true. I know I always feel more connected and feel my love deepen after sex (and for days after). Different men want sex at different rates.

Still though, love for your wife... that's independent of how much sex you get (or should be). My wife and I struggled with sexual issues for 15 years, but my wife knows I love her.

Now the love you feel from your wife, yes that can be impacted by sex. For me there is the love I know to exist in my head from what I see, hear and observe (that part knows my wife always loves me). Then there's my heart, and when I've not had sex in a long while I feel empty there. My heart doesn't feel loved.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

He has been like this since the begining and I have tried extremely hard to be in the same mindset as he is but I'm now starting to realize that I'm worth more. And the thought of my daughter seeing it and feeling what's going on makes me sick. I have talked in circles trying to explain that he's made me feel like a sex object. But he just says that he's not willing to give them up because that's what makes him feel loved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he wants oral sex a lot. How much attention does he give you during sex? Or is it all about him?

I agree with the others... BJ's are not the only kind of sex that makes a man feel loved by his wife. Your husband preferres oral sex to other kinds of intimacy... probably because it feels very good AND because he can put minimal effort into it.

You are being mistreated. Filing for divorce might be your best bet.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

To be honest I can see with where your husband is coming from with sexual intimacy=feeling loved . That being saidm he does come across like a selfish ass. I don't think you should throw in the towel so easily though.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

I haven't always hated giving oral. I used to feel proud and happy to do it but because I feel like I'm forced to do it I would be happy to never do it again. 

During sex he will try to please me but I'm feel totally shut off to him. Any kind of touching or affection from him is sexual. He'll come to bed at 3am and rub me to say goodnight, and if I don't spread my legs then he shoves them apart so that he can put his hand there.


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## s3xy_g33k (Apr 11, 2012)

Saying that bjs are what make him feel loved just sounds like something a sleazy guy would say to get one in a bad movie. He has no respect for you or your daughter. If you've tried talking to him about it and he dismissed your argument, I'd say get out. He's proving that he doesn't care about your emotions and so you should not worry about his.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Woah, you really need to set some personal boundaries with this douche


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

I'm only 24 and I feel like I've tried so many things to make it better. But I'm at the point where I'm embarassed and I am starting feel like an idiot about it now.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

He's forcing his way with you against your will. I'd strongly consider getting a separation from him right away. Let it shake him up and see if he changes his attitude pronto.

He had best have a big change of heart and woo you back if you want him back. I agree with Complexity, setup some boundaries if you do let him back.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It doesn't make much sense to call one's partner hateful names and then expect loving touches (in any form) from them. I imagine you would like to feel loved, too. If he wants you to behave like a loving, giving partner, he needs to be one.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

I have sort of started to make a plan to get out by moving back in with my parents. He has had multiple opportunities in the past to have a 'wake up call'. Before we had our daughter, in 2008 I moved out for 6 months and he started going to councelling and then we went together. We moved to MI together after he joined the CG and he did make some great changes but is now falling back into those old abusive behaviors.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I feel more connected to my H during and after sex and he agrees that it is the same for him. But the truth is sex and sexual acts are not the only way for a man to feel loved! (what a blanket statement)

To put his gratification above your comfort and willingness is just wrong and it is worse for him to call you names in order to punish you for not giving him his way. And to do so in front of a child is wrong. He is being a selfish man and it sounds like he has issues.

Men feel loved much the same as everyone else. They too need the acceptances, respect, reassurance, and so forth like we all do. The feel love through other means then just their penis. That statement is just a bunch of bull and a blanket one. 

I think his behavior and treatment of you (esp. in front of children) is horrible and grounds to file for a D (I rarely ever recommend D to anyone). I am sure that there are other options IC MC, that you could try before getting a D. He needs IC imo.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

He is being abusive. If you choose to stay with him:
1. expect it to only get worse and
2. expect your daughter to learn that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

You have low self esteem, otherwise you would not put up with this. I know because I am much like you in this respect. Go see a counselor and find out that what he is doing is not okay, normal, or healthy for you or your daughter. You are so young, and so is your daughter. Make a clean break now before you have more kids and he has hammered your self esteem into the floor. Be safe.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

anon1987 said:


> I'm only 24 and I feel like I've tried so many things to make it better. But I'm at the point where I'm embarassed and I am starting feel like an idiot about it now.


Aw hun...you know he is being abusive don't you. 

Your parents sounds like a great option...do it soon. 

Lifes too short to be treated like that!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No, blow jobs are not the only way to show a man love. He has you snowed. a husband, who calls the mother of his child names in front of said child because of a bj - is that love??? 

I have to say that you are as have control of this dynamicis. When he behaves badly and curses, do you reward hom with a bj? If you do then you created a monster. 

Please don't respond to his curses by rewarding him. Leave the room but don't give him a bj. 

If it had anything to do with love he would be loving. Loving sex is mutual pleasure not one person servicing another. If he loves you only when you give him bj then he does not love or care about you. 

Do you feel that you have exhausted all avenues to get him to wake up before he loses his family? If so then the best thing may be to separate and divorce. 

At any rate, Put a temporary moratorium on bj and tell him he is about to lose his family if he does not get his priorities strait. If you feel he will force you then you will need to leave for your safety.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Call the sherriff's office and ask for community resources number for women's shelter. Not that you need to go there, but they can talk with you and let you know that what he is doing is harmful to you and your child, even if he is not doing it to her. She is listening and watching. You may not believe it, but you are worth so much more than this. Be strong. You can do it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If this guy is active duty Coast Guard, he's got a Master Chief at his unit. He has a chaplain. There will be other resources on base. In short, the military has a million ways to get his attention should he ever lay an abusive hand on you. I'm sure the CG has posts in the Arctic for folks who need a little personal reflection time.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

Him acting like that infront on her is probably the biggest thing for me feeling like I need to leave. I never want her to grow up to be with a guy like him.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If this guy is active duty Coast Guard, he's got a Master Chief at his unit. He has a chaplain. There will be other resources on base. In short, the military has a million ways to get his attention should he ever lay an abusive hand on you. I'm sure the CG has posts in the Arctic for folks who need a little personal reflection time.


He got an honorable discharge in 2010.


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## ryansdad (Dec 3, 2011)

Personally i feel more connected with my wife when we make love once or twice a week. If lifes too busy and hectic because we have a 2 year old son, my wife works full time and travels almost 3hrs a day to and from work and i am a sahd because i was disabled from a back injury and had 4 surgeries in less than 2 years and we dont make love once or twice a week, then i do feel disconnected, empty, and feel bummed. Having said that, the way to get your wife to want and enjoy participating in making that time to be intimate a priority is not to put her down and verbally abuse her in front of your child no less. I try extra hard to do the things she needs such as be supportive to her, tell her how beautiful she is and how much i love and appreciate her and ask if theres anything she needs that i can help her with and then just listen to her. Also, a bj wouldnt give me the same satisfaction as giving her oral and making sure she has her orgasms first does. Does he ever give you oral to orgasm before sex or before his bj? This guy is an immature ********* who needs to either change or you need to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

I have a husband like yours and we are now getting divorced. I have two young kids.

He was verbally abusive to me when any of his needs weren't being met. Not just sex (but that was a big thing) but also if he was having a bad day at work, if someone else had annoyed him, if his dinner wasn't cooked right or what he wanted - you get the picture. If you take a closer look at your guy you will probably find the same.

It isn't about love, this is about CONTROL, him being selfish and getting his needs met. He has planted the mindset in you that if you don't give him what he wants, he is going to treat you, and your daughter very badly. 

Don't ever forget that verbal abuse wears away at your soul. I still hear all the names, all the put downs and threats from my husband that he gave me over the years. You do not deserve this.

I spent ten years trying to help my husband 'understand' why his actions were so hurtful and so detrimental to our relationship. I was wrong to do this. Not only was I trying to get him see something that he didn't want to, I also wasted a lot of precious energy and time.

I used to think my husband can change. He gave me lots of apologies and promises to. I don't believe he will ever change now. My advice to you would be to firstly separate. Then, your husband needs to get into an abuser program, that lasts at least 6 months. I doubt if he will though, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behaviour does he? Separate but don't do this with the hope that you will make him see the light. Separate because that is the right thing to do for you and your daughter, so you don't have to be abused and she doesn't think that this is normal behaviour. It isn't.

Run for the hills and take your precious daughter with you. Life is so much more peaceful for me now without all the pressure of having to live by someone else's selfish rules and living under a tyranny all the time. It could be for you as well.

I wish you all the best.

Jen

PS - some great sites out there on verbal abuse - google 'our place verbal abuse' and 'drirene.com'.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

Jen, 
You hit it right on. Thank you so much for your encouraging words.


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## anon1987 (Apr 14, 2012)

ryansdad said:


> Does he ever give you oral to orgasm before sex or before his bj?_Posted via Mobile Device_


The only time that he tries to please me is during sex. And it doesn't always happen then. When he get's a bj, he is the only one that gets anything.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

anon1987 said:


> I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.
> 
> I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?



HELL NO!!! Sex is supposed to be consensual, not forced. And to answer your question not all men are like this. My husband has never asked me for a BJ ever (though he does get them). 

I'm sorry to say but your husband sounds like a little child throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. Please dont do anything you dont want to do. If he wants a BJ show him by your actions that calling you out of your name is not what is going to get him a BJ. Since he wants to be a child show him that calling you out of your name can get him put in the corner!!!!


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Why would you disrespect yourself like this?
> 
> It`s apparent he hasn`t a clue what love is at all.
> 
> He doesn`t love you, no man loves a woman and treats her like this.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Please no that his actions are not normal. He is trying to make them out to be like they are so that you will tolerate it. 

If my husband ever called me a ***** he would get slapped and he had better hope that that's all he gets. You should not have to take that from the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with!!!!!


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Sounds like you are going to get out of this relationship. Good for you. You and your daughter deserve better. 

Please get your daughter into therapy after you get out so that she doesn't grow up thinking that normal relationships are abusive.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I ever called my wife such an awful name and then handed her my penis, I'm pretty sure I'd never see it again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

anon1987 said:


> I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.
> 
> I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?


I think on love as two things. First there’s the love we feel inside of us for the person we are in love with and married to. So love is a feeling, emotions.

But the person we are in love with wont actually feel loved unless we express our love to them. So love is both feelings and expressions of those feelings.


We express our feelings of love in many different ways. For example by being the provider of a home, paying the bills, loving the home by maintaining and decorating it, by giving gifts, through hugs and cuddles, by cooking food and cleaning the home. There are endless ways in which we express love to one another.


If your H only ever feels love through a bj then everything else you do for him is more or less a waste of your time and effort.

The thing is I can’t see how you or anyone else can get him to “see the light”. In fact I think the only thing that will make him change starting by taking a good long and hard look at himself is if you were to leave him. Then because you were no longer expressing your love he may well miss the things you do for him other than the bjs.

But from what you say I actually think your husband is a pig and is best left alone.

Still if you want to try and get him to see the light then just withdraw every single thing you do for him, cooking, washing his clothes, everything. This is called The 180, it’s an about turn designed to demonstrate to your husband what it would be like living without you without actually separating plus to protect yourself from any further abuse.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

jen1020 said:


> Run for the hills and take your precious daughter with you. Life is so much more peaceful for me now without all the pressure of having to live by someone else's selfish rules and living under a tyranny all the time. It could be for you as well.
> 
> I wish you all the best.
> 
> ...


I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.

Anon1987 - You and your husband have boundary problems. Your boundaries are not where they should be and/or your husband doesn't respect them. It takes two to tango.

1. Has he ever been violent or do you think there is a reasonable chance that he could get violent? If yes, leave and get help.

2. If no, then you need to sit down with him:

You: "I will not allow you to call me names or be disrespectful ever again. If you do, and I don't care how mad you get or even if I am the cause of the anger, I will leave you and take our daughter with me."

You: "I understand that it makes you feel like I love you when I give you BJ's. Right now, this marriage is in crisis mode and I will not be giving BJ's or having sex with you until further notice."

You: "We need therapy immediately if we want to save our marriage."

Good luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

^ Absolutley.


Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html it's helped both men and women Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books.

There are plenty of other books on boundaries as well.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Calling you a F*cking B*tch may not have been the first sign you need to leave this guy but it should have been the last sign.

BJs issues seem pretty minor compared to this disrespectful childish ignorant behaviour.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
> 
> Anon1987 - You and your husband have boundary problems. Your boundaries are not where they should be and/or your husband doesn't respect them. It takes two to tango.
> 
> ...


I think abusers dont change. These are signs of worse things to come to me. Therapy may work but it sounds like this man is selfish and cruel. Those are things about people that stay the same. No therapy can change that part. It is who they are.
To the poster, you are 24 and have a big life in front of you. This doesnt sound like a good way to start. I am sorry you are in this and you and your child need better.
All men are not like him. Most are kind. I have met one bad one who hits his wife. He says its what happens. No it isnt. Treating your love one badly isnt normal.


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## feelingallalone (Apr 2, 2012)

Man here. NO, not all men are this way, but all abusive, immature and self centered men are this way. This sounds horrible, horrible. It is not a relationship. Relationships are two way, not one way. Sex and Sex with intimacy are two totally different acts and experiences. He only wants sex for him. You are being abused. You need to seek help from organizations that help abused women. The longer you do not do this, the deeper into the abusive cycle you are going to fall and the harder it is going to be to get out. Please take action now!!!!!! Your life will be so much better without a person like this in it. You probably have no idea what else is possible since you've been trapped with this a-hole since you were 16.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I love them too but if she deplored giving them then I wouldn't want them. If she doesn't want to do it for me then I will completely loose interest in receiving them. With that kind of attitude he is treating you like a call girl. 

Don't put up with that!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I'll add my voice to the chorus here. Your husband seems to be contemptuous of women, and thinks that we are good for only 1 thing. Please don't let your daughter see that you accept being treated like that.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.


Ok, I understand your point, although I am not just basing my abusive relationship experience on my own, but on many other women I have known who have been in my shoes and in abusive relationships.

But yes, playing devil's advocate, put a time limit on your relationship. Say six months to a year maximum. See what he does to make serious changes for you and then decide. See if he goes in to therapy. If he doesn't, then sorry there is very little hope. No man who respects women will resort to the type of behaviour your husband is putting out.

I still think it would be the best idea to separate at this point.

Jen


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
> .


Perhaps we differ on our understanding of human nature. Someone who is prepared to call his spouse a F*cking B*tch under these circumstances would require a fundamental change in personality.


The only caution which would apply to every poster (and I include myself) if you leave out critical information or can't resist painting your spouse unfairly, then the rule of "garbage in garbage out" applies. You rely on any advice you receive at your hazard.

But in this case if the original OP is accurate then in my view with a lot of hard work, understanding, heart to heart talks,and maybe some professional counselling then they will begin to show signs of improvement before resorting back to the original dysfunctional relationship a few months to a couple of years down the road.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Perhaps we differ on our understanding of human nature. Someone who is prepared to call his spouse a F*cking B*tch under these circumstances would require a fundamental change in personality.
> 
> 
> The only caution which would apply to every poster (and I include myself) if you leave out critical information or can't resist painting your spouse unfairly, then the rule of "garbage in garbage out" applies. You rely on any advice you receive at your hazard.
> ...


Unfortunately I agree with this. I would far rather that people stay married, wherever possible, however, I cannot say that where abusive relationships are concerned. The way the OP describes her relationship is that this is an ongoing controlling behaviour, not just a one off heated moment, that perhaps could be worked out.

My husband went to counselling a few times and he did improve for a while but then resorted back to abusive behaviour further down the line. Why? Because he was taught this as a child. He watched his father do it to his mother. Which teaches me that if you stay with a man like that, your children may treat their future spouses and you the same way. 

What a nightmare.

Jen


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

jen1020 said:


> Why? Because he was taught this as a child. He watched his father do it to his mother. Which teaches me that if you stay with a man like that, your children may treat their future spouses and you the same way.
> 
> What a nightmare.
> 
> Jen


Sorry - sounds like you had a rough ride. 

I still have faith (or naivety) in human nature. People can recover from childhood trauma and bad behavior, but is is a big project. The challenges are many, including 1) the person has to recognize they have a problem and 2) they have to be willing to open Pandora's box and go rummaging around until it is clean. Most folks don't want to look that deeply.

In my experience, human beings do an unbelievable job at choosing mates who will push their every button and present the opportunity to heal emotional wounds and get healthy. Most of us run from the opportunity.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Mominmayberry, Jen, and others - while I agree that his calling her that vulgarity in front of the child is despicable lets not string him up by the short hairs just yet. Obviously what he did was wrong in this regard but if it happened one time then I would say its an aberration and not a reason to call out the MPs. If however its a pattern of abusive behavior it should be addressed. If he gets physical or violent then obviously she needs to seek help asap.

OP - you are young. I assume your husband is young as well. He is attempting to manipulate you for his own benefit. He is counting on your naivete but since you are here on TAM he has obviously miscalculated. The reason men like BJs is because it puts a woman in a submissive position. If it is part of a consensual sex experience then it is perfectly acceptable. However if it is coerced or demanded then it is not acceptable period. BJs are part of Morrigan and my sexual rotation as are many other sexual acts that we BOTH enjoy. He should be pleasing you as often as you are pleasing him and both of you should want to please the other. If that is not the case then you need to sit down and work out boundaries that are agreeable to both. It may be necessary to seek out counseling if the two of you cannot come to an acceptable agreement. Bottom line, you should not be forced to do something you really don't want to. If he cannot be with a woman who will not give him regular BJs and you aren't into it then you simply aren't sexually compatible.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> If however its a pattern of abusive behavior it should be addressed. If he gets physical or violent then obviously she needs to seek help asap.


The OP has stated that if she doesn't give him regular BJ's, there will be hell to pay. That already indicates that there is a pattern of abusive behaviour, emotionally at least. 

Don't discount the devastating effects of emotional or verbal abuse against physical, all types of abuse are bad in their own way. The OP should seek help now, or at the very least find out more about the dynamics of abuse by reading or visiting the sites I wrote about in an earlier response.

Jen


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> The OP has stated that if she doesn't give him regular BJ's, there will be hell to pay. That already indicates that there is a pattern of abusive behaviour, emotionally at least.
> 
> Don't discount the devastating effects of emotional or verbal abuse against physical, all types of abuse are bad in their own way. The OP should seek help now, or at the very least find out more about the dynamics of abuse by reading or visiting the sites I wrote about in an earlier response.
> 
> Jen


I definitely do not discount the effects of emotional or verbal abuse. But "hell to pay" can mean many things in many different situations. Only the OP can judge if she feels she is being abused. If so, it must be addressed immediately for not just her sake, but the sake of her child and believe it or not for the sake of her husband too because she is not doing him any favors by ignoring such a potentially volatile situation.

Let us not judge a situation too quickly or harshly either. We don't know all the details of their situation so our advice is going to reflect that half truth. For instance, I was emotionally and verbally abusive to Morrigan. Having disclosed that I should be rightfully accursed by posters here on TAM. If I reveal it was only for a little more than a week maybe I might get some leniency. If I add that it was following the disclosure of infidelity might I receive more sympathy? BTW, let me add there was no excuse for my abuse of her and I sought help for my PTSD symptoms asap.

All I'm saying is that the OP is the best judge in what is abuse. Her husband is certainly at the very least being a jerk and attempting to manipulate her. That should be addressed accordingly. And if she even has the slightest thought that she is being abused she needs to seek out someone who can look at her situation in a non biased way.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I definitely do not discount the effects of emotional or verbal abuse. But "hell to pay" can mean many things in many different situations. Only the OP can judge if she feels she is being abused. If so, it must be addressed immediately for not just her sake, but the sake of her child and believe it or not for the sake of her husband too because she is not doing him any favors by ignoring such a potentially volatile situation.
> 
> Let us not judge a situation too quickly or harshly either. We don't know all the details of their situation so our advice is going to reflect that half truth. For instance, I was emotionally and verbally abusive to Morrigan. Having disclosed that I should be rightfully accursed by posters here on TAM. If I reveal it was only for a little more than a week maybe I might get some leniency. If I add that it was following the disclosure of infidelity might I receive more sympathy? BTW, let me add there was no excuse for my abuse of her and I sought help for my PTSD symptoms asap.
> 
> All I'm saying is that the OP is the best judge in what is abuse. Her husband is certainly at the very least being a jerk and attempting to manipulate her. That should be addressed accordingly. And if she even has the slightest thought that she is being abused she needs to seek out someone who can look at her situation in a non biased way.


It sounds like she feels it is abuse. She came here for a reason to get information from men to see if his behavior is normal. If she was over reacting. She wouldnt do that if things were okay. 
She used the word hell to describe what happens if she doesnt do as he wants. It doesnt matter what your defination or mine is of hell. She used the word to describe what happens to her. That sounds like abuse to me. It doesnt sound like a one time deal. It sounds like on going abuse. Those people dont change in my experience. They get worse.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Ever person has the potintial to change (even abusive arses) but they have to want to change. I know giving the benifit of the dout to someone who seems so selfish and manipultive is kind of hard (not to mention taboo) but it is possible for anyone to change.

OP if things can not be worked out. If there is no balance that can be sticken between what he wants and what you are willing to give then there is little hope that your lot will improve if you remain.
Try if you want to stay. Try one more time but at the end of the day you have to choose what you are willing to live with and what you will not live with for your self and your children.

The choice is yours. I hope that you have recieved the help you are looking for and come back for support there are plenty here willing to be supportive of others.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MominMayberry said:


> It sounds like she feels it is abuse. She came here for a reason to get information from men to see if his behavior is normal. If she was over reacting. She wouldnt do that if things were okay.
> She used the word hell to describe what happens if she doesnt do as he wants. It doesnt matter what your defination or mine is of hell. She used the word to describe what happens to her. That sounds like abuse to me. It doesnt sound like a one time deal. It sounds like on going abuse. Those people dont change in my experience. They get worse.


Actually she came here to ask men if getting BJs was a requirement in a marriage. That question has been answered.

You seem to have gleaned an awful lot from a few posts. I guess I'm just not that intuitive.

You're right neither you or I know if she is in an abusive relationship. If she feels she is she needs to address it asap. _Hell to pay_ is a very subjective statement. I've told my kids if they don't do their homework they'll be _hell to pay_. Am I abusing them? I would hope not since that just meant no TV later that night. If I say to my friend who just pulled a practical joke _I'm going to kill you_ should he call the police? All I'm saying is lets tone down the rhetoric a little.

I admittedly verbally and emotionally abused Morrigan. Am I doomed never to change? Because that was 20 years ago and I dare say I have never come close ever again to demonstrating that type of shameful behavior. I think saying once an abuser always an abuser is akin to saying once a cheater always a cheater. I think both statements are false and both statements are shortsighted.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Actually she came here to ask men if getting BJs was a requirement in a marriage. That question has been answered.
> 
> You seem to have gleaned an awful lot from a few posts. I guess I'm just not that intuitive.
> 
> ...


I understand that I dont know her marriage you dont either. I read what she wrote. He wants blowjobs and insists on them. If she refuses he calls her vile names in front of the girl. Do you think this is fine? I dont. I find it abuse and will stand by what I said. If this man had any sense he wouldnt force his wife to do this and he wouldnt say nasty things in front of his child.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

anon1987 said:


> I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.
> 
> I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?


There are better men out there you should divorce unless you wish to keep living like this and have this quality of life which may get worse.

He does not respect you enough.

Oh and BTW we do love BJ and if my wife never gave them i would really really dislike that i would also be hurt if she never wanted to give me pleasure since i go down on her several times a week. However my wife does not have to swallow or take it in her mouth all the time but i greatly prefer to finish in her mouth most of the time swallowing is not a need. But it feels 10x better to finish in the mouth than outside. My wife however through the year's has gotten into swallowing my load and can do it now  .

I think you deserve better he treats you bad.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While I agree with him about how mwn connect with women via sex, I completely disagree with his demands of BJs and how they need to be finished.

The way he treats you when he doesn't get his way is also a big red flag!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Toffer said:


> While I agree with him about how mwn connect with women via sex, I completely disagree with his demands of BJs and how they need to be finished.
> 
> The way he treats you when he doesn't get his way is also a big red flag!


Yep, I like sex with my wife, but:
I never even ask for a BJ (though she gives them)
I never demand a thing sexually (though sometimes I request)
I never call my wife hateful things, even when I'm at my worst

All of those are HUGE red flags. Those aren't the actions of a loving husband, more of a tyrant.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Is alcohol invloved here?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

anon1987 said:


> I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get at least 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry.
> 
> 
> this was my husband to a "T". we fought about it for years....finally he told me, that oral is a relationship thing, it was his intamicy, he liked to be close, and just like i needed intamicy, so did he.
> ...



i also did enjoy doing this for my husband, and then i didnt. it was the start of 10 or so years of resentments, and curel sex games...

mostly it was just very honest talking, very honestly listening...i had to undo all the things i saw/set up in my mind. we had to go back to every fight we could remember, rehash it, reargue it, and come to an understanding.

my husband loves bj's so much..sex not so much..so we were mis-matched, and we had to have a talk about why oral mattered much...i used to think he liked it more than me.

turns out, he is a perv...only likes it so much, because i was doing them. he wanted me sooo much, he did say sorry he thinks he took advantage of the situation, and understands i have needs.

for a while bj's were 50/50 punishment/pleasure. he was upset because he felt rejected all these years, and unloved. 

hope this may help.....


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

I'm a man and I love a BJ as much as the next. But not all the time, and I don't define love on how often I get one. I have those times when I feel horny, and want that kind of sex. But most of the time I need normal love making to make me feel close, which makes me feel good about myself.
He does have a problem. He doesn't know what love is. I would say your only hope is marriage counciling.
I hope this helps.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Yep, I like sex with my wife, but:
> I never even ask for a BJ (though she gives them)
> I never demand a thing sexually (though sometimes I request)
> I never call my wife hateful things, even when I'm at my worst
> ...


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Youmarried an a$$hole. Why are you still with him?


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