# EA - D-Day x2



## necer1 (Aug 11, 2011)

Been reading everyone’s advice and struggles for a while and it’s been extremely helpful.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She is 25 and I am 26. We have two daughters, 1 and 2, and have a lot going for us. I have had expectations of her to do things in the past – small things like pay bills on time and be good with time. When these expectations weren’t met I would get a little overly angry and say things that or use tones that I shouldn’t have. I never showed this in front of our kids because I would wait to ask her about the bills or whatnot until after they were in bed. Definitely my shortcomings and I am owning up and facing them now. (She is very big into words and had a rough childhood so this tore her down).

*The details (if you want to read)*
Then in April comes the OM. My wife works at a daycare and he is one of the parents of the children. (She works at the front desk where the parents sign their kids in and out). Anyways they started talking – he would linger and talk to her and other employees of the school. She told me about him at the time and said he needed friends and wanted him to come out with all of our friends and possible go to church with us. 
A few weeks later (May) I could see his attachment to her and ask her to stop talking to him. She kept on inviting him places and texting with him (I read all the text up to this point). 

A few days later I was at a charity golf event, and she met him at a car show with her brother and 2 other friends. (The other friends noticed their interactions and told me their concern). When I got home I looked at her phone and all the text from him were deleted. 

She went on talking to him for 4 days until she told me (nearly 500 text a day) and they met for play dates with the kids 3 times. The 4th day she got a text from txt2day.com saying “I love how your husband feels. You are lucky to have him every night”. She says she needed time to deal with the text and was going to stay with her parents. I couldn’t understand this because I thought the first person you would go to was your spouse and I didn’t understand how she believed it.

She immediately confided in him and ended up at his house after work (he lives with his parents @ 29). They were outside (because of his parents) and he tried to kiss her. She says she pulled back and came straight home. Over the course of the night the truth came out (she said she justified it until the kiss that they were just friends). 
The next day we ended up a very helpful marriage retreat. When we got home I insisted NC. I deleted him from her FB and she added him back on. Eventually we argued about it (after 3 weeks) and she deleted him to appease me. In other words, I forced the NC on her. (I had a keylogger and spyware on the phone).

There was no texting or e-mailing but she saw him everyday when he picked his kid up. Anyways, I thought things were down the path to R but she seemed hot and cold depending on the day. We went away for our anniversary and she told me she “thinks about him more than me” and that she will always wonder “What if”. She says she never had closure and she has become numb to me. She said she’s never felt like her make her feel, etc, etc, etc. But she wants to work on us. 

I find out on Last Monday that they are texting again and I asked her about it. She said she set up a separate e-mail acct and was e-mailing him from work for a few days. After a little talking, She left the house and immediately spoke to him over the phone. Tuesday night she was really unsure and a friend of hers who is going through a Divorce told her everything that she was feeling was ok, etc. This made her really low. I sent him a FB Message asking him to “stop messing with my wife and family”. The next day she sent him an e-mail apologizing for the message and had some more very inappropriate conversations with him. She admitted to this that night (last Wednesday). I told all of our parents on Wednesday during the day of her actions (She didn’t like it but she talked to all of them)

Then Wednesday night she seems to have a change in attitude. A change like she really wants the marriage and she starts taking actions towards us. We have been to counseling twice now and have started to read some books on marriage (I started after the first time she talked to him in May).

Now, she says she has clarity and that the feelings were from the words he was saying and not towards him. She still works at the daycare and runs into him daily. She does seem like a change happened – but I don’t know how she has backpeddled so fast on her feelings (the ones she admitted to before) and secret talking to him.
Also, during the middle of everything she was coming up with all kinds of problems in our marriage and it was the first I heard of it all.

Here is where I am at. I love her and definitely believe we will be able to get through all of this and have been skills to deal with marriage issues and conflict in the future. I love her – faults and all but I can’t be broken over and over again. Oh. She admits she was wrong but I don’t know if she grasps the severity of everything.

I have all these ups and downs and sometimes I feel like she is committed to us and then other moments where I think they are still talking and flirting.
*How do I know she still isn’t talking to him? 
How do I know it wasn’t a PA?*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wow that must be so infuriating and frustrating to see her on the path and see how unable she is to get off of it. From what you wrote it sounds like you are doing everything right... she hasn't asked for time alone or a divorce yet which means you haven't been in the spot of deciding to really let go, but make yourself ready for that if it goes there. Either way, stay on top of this, it must feel a lot like dealing with a child to you right now, but you gotta protect your marriage because right now you are the strong one that has to take up the slack that she has been getting.

By keeping up the investigating and diligence you will know if she's broken the NC rule... if she breaks it again I think you would be best requiring her to quit her work or take a leave of absence.

If she can start to earn your trust back I think you will be able to eventually believe her again, at which point you can be more certain there was no PA. Or you can keep investigating but your search will either turn up fruitless or else you will find what you wish you didn't see - either way does it really change your decision or approach?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Her suddenly committing to reconcile could be a diversion. She takes the affair further underground while simultaneously acting like she's refocused on the marriage to convince you the affair is dead. Not saying that's what's going on, but it's a possibility. She didn't just wake up one day over the OM, doesn't happen that way. She built an emotional bond with him that will take time, work and pain on her part to break. She must prove to you that she's committed to reconciliation. Keep up the keyloggers and spyware, maybe a voice activated recorder in her car. Personally I think she needs to find a new job, seeing this guy everyday is just a recipe for disaster. No contact is no contact and seeing him at work twice a day every day definitely violates it. If she gives you all the indications she's doing the work I'd support her and work towards reconciliation, but I'd keep a very sharp eye on the situation. Affairs are very hard to kill.


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## necer1 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I know that the affair is hard to kill. I don't want to believe it's a diversion and she is moving more underground. If I want our marriage to work, I can't believe that but I also know i have to be careful. 

I really hope shes not going back to him because I think that would wrap things up for me. I pray for our marriage and family every day and I can only fight for what I can now.

How do I fight all the doubt in my mind? and all the emotional ups and downs?

Also, how do I tell her things I am feeling without always dumping things on her all the time?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe you could visit the daycare when he is showing up to see what is going on. Can't believe daycare management is putting up with this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You better fix this now---she may have stopped cuz one of the parents laid it down to her---but you didn't get her to stop---she still disrespects you, and she is still demonizing you

She will do this again---if you don't fix what caused this


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you've got a key logger on the computer and spyware on her cell, how did she continue with the texting and emailing?

Basically, if she wants to keep screwing around on you, she's going to find a way. I'm thinking you maybe should escalate your affair busting. Her employer should probably know what's going on. His parents/girlfriend(?) should know, if he has one. Leaders of your church, as well. Basically, make it very uncomfortable for her to continue the affair.

Also, how about setting her up with a phone with no texting capabilities? Make sure that you have all her usernames and passwords, and check regularly. Transparency is NOT an option you can afford, if you want to reconcile.

Personally though... After she duped you a second time. That probably would have been enough for me. She's probably lost respect for you every time she was caught and nothing happened. And if she really wants to cheat, she'll find a way. Prepaid cell phone, library/work computers, etc... 

What does your counselor have to say about this? Are you working on the issues that caused her to be open to cheating? How about the damage that's been done? How about making sure the truth has all come out?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Actually you should insist she change jobs immediately. She must go NC.

But really this is off the wall behavior and she has been willing to go underground before so I would not have any trust for this right now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Keep up the marriage counseling. Keep up the investigating. A VAR in her car will tell you with decent certainty whether she is still in contact. And don't get too thrown off by her petty complaints about your marriage. She has to invent something that was awful in your marriage. Otherwise, she has to admit to herself that she broke her wedding vows and nearly put her children at risk of all the crap that children of divorce deal with (higher risk of drug & alcohol use/abuse, higher risk of teen pregnancy, etc.) because she was bored. And it takes a pretty crappy mother to throw away her family because she was bored. Therefore, she obviously had to have an affair because of that one time you got miffed because she was an hour late coming home from work without calling. See, you're the monster, not her.

Keep up the work and make sure she does too. Your girls deserve two parents who put your family above all else.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

hell after my girlfriend cheated... even tho i loved her so much... i shoulda left her the moment i found out. thats my only regret. that and that i should taken my **** i gave her and left


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

What I think:
- no way this hasn't gone somewhat PA
- she's clearly disrespected you till now, going out of her way to set up new email account, talks with you, leaves the house and immediately call him, tells you outright she "thinks about him more than you"(!)...while you demanded NC, you did not demand SHE enact NC and tell him directly to your satisfaction & approval. It all kind of starts & ends there... if she'd committed to it and told him so, you'd have drawn a firm line in the sand to force the issue one way or another. It's time to do that, now...
- deep down you actually understand why she was vulnerable to turn away from you, given your prior verbal abusive tendency 
- your investigation methods, while correct and appropriate, failed to uncover her separate email acct & calls?

To me, given your own issues and failure to draw a firm line, she'd get ONE chance to go full NC, stop all actions with this guy, full transparency to her stuff, and ONE chance to tell you the full truth that I do not believe you have, You engage into deeper MC, putting on the table all that she divulges OR your feeling she's hiding somthing, to discuss the issues in your marriage that made her go astray, including re-assessing whether she is the right one to pay the bills etc if that was not getting handled right. You have to be willing to change, too...

Before that discussion, I'd have a Plan B drawn up so that you know exactly what to do if and when she fails to live up to the new agreement, and during your sit-down talk you tell her that a Plan B IS ready and WILL be enacted if she falters. ONE chance, for your kids a well as for the two of you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Schedule a polygraph test, most likely the both of you won't make it to the front door, she will let it all out in the parking lot.

You will need to dump on her, it's one of her consequences. She needs to understand that your dumping on her is part of the healing process and it is her that can help you heal if she chooses to work things out. If she really want to help the marriage then she'll need to suck it up and take the dumping.

Another consequence for her A is she must quit her job. He rquiting will also help you heal. It'll suck not having the extra dough, but its not worth your marriage by her keeping her job. Again more heavy lifting that she should do to help you heal. 

Unfortuneately cheaters are selfish and not only will they not want to be dumped on or quit a job they like, they also don't see what it will take for the LS to heal, or there responsiblity in why the LS need the healing. 

The lie detector test and the quiting her job are the things she should want to do for the marriage, but it never seems to happen.


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## necer1 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks for all the posts. I have spoken to my wife about most everything and tried to cross examine her stories with what she has told me before and everything seems consistent. Her story is also consistent with her text messages, e-mails and what her friends have told me.

I do feel like she had total disregard for me the 2nd time and am having trouble wanting the R somedays because of this. At the same time, I feel like she is taking actions (though I would like more actions and need to express this to her) towards R and I still want to stay with her.

My biggest struggle is wanting to feel cold and distant from her and I turn the cold shoulder to her. I don’t want to close her off sometimes but it seems to happen ( know it’s bad for her). Any help on dealing with this?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

necer1 said:


> My biggest struggle is wanting to feel cold and distant from her and I turn the cold shoulder to her. I don’t want to close her off sometimes but it seems to happen ( know it’s bad for her). Any help on dealing with this?


Letting her have an affair and then worrying about her being upset that you're angry is weak. Women don't like weak.

If she is truly remorseful, she will actually appreciate that you are punishing her in some small way. If she really gets upset that you won't just act like everything is fine, then her remorse isn't genuine and the affair has probably just moved underground.


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## necer1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I understand what you are saying when you say women don't like weak. I just don't want to be too punishing and shut her off. There is a blanace in dealing with it correctly and overdoing it - thats the balance I am trying to find. 

Like I said some days, I don't talk much about everthing and other days I tell her how s**tty everything was, NC, last chance type stuff etc etc...

As we (hopefully) get futhur from the EA, I need to move on past it and I don't need to keep dragging her through the mud.

At any rate it seems like we are rebuild nicely - but time will tell.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Don't be in too big a hurry to move past it - two reasons. First you are better to deal with it too much to make sure it is dealt with and not simply swept under the rug. It takes a lot of time and work to move beyond something like this. You have to go over the same ground again and again to be comfortable with it. There is nothing wrong with this and as long as it is productive it is not punishment for anyone. Second, as I said earlier, affairs are very hard to kill. You don't need to let your guard down for some time. These things have a tendency to pop back up just when the BS is taking a deep breath believing their WS is finally done with it. 

It's completely understandable that you want to get over it and get your life back to normal ASAP, but it really is not the most productive thing to do. Work through it and deal with it together, it can pull you closer and ultimately make your marriage stronger.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not sweep this under the rug. As recently as just a few days ago she was continuing to pursue him. She apologized for your telling him to back off, and then continued with more messages to him.

Frankly, I'd be check out if she hasn't gone underground with him and that the change of heart is to placate you and throw you off the trail.

You really need to break contact between them, and not just the "inappropriate" contact. Is her job worth your marriage? Is he changing to another day care easier than getting a divorce?

At this point since the OM is clearly involved in pursing her I'd be finding out more about him. Is he married? Does he have a GF? If so expose him to them. Right now he's got nothing to loose by continuing to pursue your wife.

If she is truly committed she has to do the heavy lifting: no contact - full transparency - clear effort being put into the marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You really need to break contact between them, and not just the "inappropriate" contact.


This is a real point. No contact is *NO CONTACT.* Once you've crossed the line into an inappropriate relationship there is no such thing as going back and being "just friends." There can be no communication of any kind between them.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

necer1 said:


> I understand what you are saying when you say women don't like weak. I just don't want to be too punishing and shut her off. There is a blanace in dealing with it correctly and overdoing it - thats the balance I am trying to find.


You need to punish her and she needs you to punish her. Feeling low for a few days and then saying you're going to put it behind you doesn't punish her. At best, she's inconvenienced. Big freaking deal.

You need to spend some time angry. You need to spend some time telling her off. She needs to spend some time sleeping on the couch and reporting her whereabouts to you like she's a 16 year-old on her first car date.



necer1 said:


> As we (hopefully) get futhur from the EA, I need to move on past it and I don't need to keep dragging her through the mud.
> 
> At any rate it seems like we are rebuild nicely - but time will tell.


:scratchhead:
You're about a week removed from your most recent D-Day and things are going well? Does that mean she hasn't slept with any men in the last few days? Courtney Love could stay sober this long. I think you're fooling yourself about how to get over this.

Many people on this board suggest that 2-5 years is required to heal from an affair. Not 2-5 days or weeks.


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