# Wife left me took kids--help



## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

So I am here because I'm so mad/depressed right now. I will start from the beginning--I was in the midst of a divorce with my first wife.. when I met Lisa we had a great time in the month of December but she found out that was in the midst of a divorce ( my first wife didn't like the Army so she moved to VA) which was across the country from TX but. Lisa said I needed to finalize my divorce before seeing her again. Fast forward to March..I start seeing Lisa again and we were super happy..we saw each other everyday until May when I deployed to Iraq in 2009. Several months into my deployment she called me and told me that she was pregnant with my child and I at the time I was going through a lot of stuff so I had started talking to my ex wife because my ex wife was with my young son (he was an infant when we divorced) and we were flirting back and forth and Lisa found out. Needless to say she wasn't happy---halfway through the deployment I was scheduled for mid tour leave and somehow my paperwork was messed up so they sent me to VA instead of TX (another strike)...my next strike came a week after I redeployed when Lisa hacked my external drive and found naked pics of my ex girlfriends ...well lucky for me she let me stay in the apartment with her (I had taken care of her since I found of she was pregnant. A few months later we got married at the courthouse (my first wife got an elaborate $25,000 wedding). Months went by and things were good then one night my ex wife messages me while I was at the gym and started talking dirty to me...well like a dummy I went along with it. Needless to say Lisa found out..and she forgave me again...fast forward a year and for st Patricks day of 2012 I had planned a romantic weekend but we argued the night before and the morning of she refused to go..since the flight was non refundable I flew to Chicago by myself--after trying to convince her to have her mother inlaw drop her off at the airport and come she continued to say no---that night after an argument I slept with another woman---I then continued my relationship flying up to see her a few times when my wife went back to visit her family (my wife had given birth in February to our second daughter). Well in August of 2012 my wife found out what I had done (I quit talking to the other woman in July)...Lisa then kicked me out of the house and made me find an apt..I did but we reconciled right before I left for Afghanistan in Nov 2012...I then deployed until this July and moved to an Arny base in TX. She met me here and everything was great for a month but then we began to fight over nothing...increasingly she had gotten upset and said I was verbally abusing her and how I had betrayed her...she kept threatening me to leave and on Friday while I was at work she took the kids and left. She left a note that said " I love you and always will. I hope someday you see why I left." Right now I'm super depressed/mad because she won't respond to my texts and won't talk to me on the phone. She moved 9 hrs away to be with her family. We did the counseling thing after I had cheated on her...I just want my family but she texted me and said she wasn't coming back despite all my pleas...I'm so depressed/mad because despite my flaws and mistakes I took care of her and her family and loved and took care of my daughters...what should I do? I'm meeting with the pastor and a lawyer tomorrow--I loved my family...I need advice


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks for your service to our country. That being said, you shouldnt be married until you figure out what you want.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

I want my wife and kids back I never thought she would leave me...I'm a good guy..I buy her everything she wants and I need her...she and the girls are my family


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Thank you for your support..I'm just sad--you say just leave her alone or should I message her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Having been betrayed my self I can tell you it is the worste thing to go through...even some vets tell me their deployment wasn't nearly as hard as dealing with their wifes being with other men.

I think for now give your old lady some space and work on getting some individual counseling, send your kids some money and presents and have the lawyer work out something so you can have contact with your kids.

But please when you do get contact with the kids leave your wife out of it keep it between you and the kids.

She has been hurt so bad she is going to need to see action not words, so do the heavy lifting in figuring out why you make these unhealthy choices and work on your self.

At best you can only hope to coparent ina healthy and civil manner.

Lets face it somtimes the constant betrayal on your part is just a deal breaker for your old lady.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Depressedjoe said:


> I want my wife and kids back I never thought she would leave me...I'm a good guy..I buy her everything she wants and I need her...she and the girls are my family


Sorry bro you can't buy off your betrayal!

I have a question. 
If you did think she was capable of leaving you would you have betrayed her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The first time you decieved her you had a chance to rebuild the trust but you phucked that up by doing it again....and again and again.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear about the problems in your life, joe... Honestly.

That said, your wife obviously decided that your financial support wasn't worth the misery and complete disrespect you forced on her. Who could blame her, the way you carried on?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Seems to me that you broke this woman's heart. Not sure what advice I can give...other than going the honorable route and respecting Lisa's wishes. Don't take this out on her, or try to wield some control over the situation because you feel like you are the victim in this situation. Sure, you may feel powerless right now, but really, it's a situation you created with the choices you have made.

It seems to me that if you can't reconcile this, then you probably need to take a break from relationships...and deal with some things. I highly recommend you talk with the pastor and counselor...but really to help you heal and figure a way to create the best peace between you and Lisa and the kids...and NOT just try to get people to help you find a way to keep things how you would like them to be...you kind of blew that chance. Sad to say.

Life is not over. You have a great future ahead of you, but you need to take a timeout...stop doing the first thing that pops in your head. And I am taking a wild guess, but you may want to quit drinking of that is somehow in the picture. Sorry you are going through this...I have much respect for what people deal with in the service...and sadly, it sometimes does not create an ideal family situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case it was good my cheating wife gave me some space. I know if she had begged and pleaded for forgivenss it would have pushed me further away.

I need time to pull the knife out of my back a repair my broken heart.

Her deciet during her cheating was worse then the sex it self. I mean the lies she told me straight to my face were unbearable.

The disrespect she had for me and the knowledge of screwing me over the whole time she told me "there was no one else" was so painful.

She not only did it once but she continues with different men, going to hotel, or going back to their place and acting out some kind of porno..then coming home to me not even jumping in the shower to clean her self off.

My point here is to really get you to but the shoe on the other foot and understand the pain.

Again work on your self, fix your self, before you can fix a marriage!


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

I'm so depressed I have no family but my wife and girls--no real friends. I told several friends and not one can even pick up the phone and talk to me--they just text me...I don't even know why I'm here...another failed marriage


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your here to fix this mess you created.

So don't give up hope, your wife is filled with pain, but you can reconnect with your kids and thats a start.

Your lawyer will help you with the kids thing... and the pator will help you everything else.

But...at the end of the day you need to find a counselor that specalizes in infidelity so you can address your own issues with your lack of honesty and your need to betray the woman you love.

Just like in a plane crash you put the oxygen mask on first then you put a O2 mask on the child.

So please help your self first and then help your marriage.

Dude it ain't going to be easy but with tough challanges come great rewards....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing...go see a doctor about your depression and get some meds.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> I'm a good guy..I buy her everything she wants and I need her



I understand that you have served our country and so maybe I should take it easy on you...

But I served our country also - and I know that in the service you have to earn your rank.

Well, you have to "earn" calling yourself a good guy.

Nowhere in your post was I struck with the impression that you are a good guy. Anyone with money can buy a woman what she wants. And NEEDING someone won't make them love you.

Your first marriage - okay - bad luck to be with that girl. Especially when she wouldn't let you live your life after she left you. But you have failed almost every measure I know of by which I would consider you to be a good guy.

The poster who said that you should not be married got it right. You are too immature for a marriage relationship. You need to grow up and you need to learn what it means to really be a good guy.

I suggest that you start to accept that what you want is already gone - and you aren't going to get it back. You need to focus now on growing up. You have what? three kids now?

You need to focus on being a better man so that you can be a better father. I wish you luck and I hope the rest of your service you are safe and well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Depressedjoe said:


> I want my wife and kids back I never thought she would leave me...I'm a good guy..I buy her everything she wants and I need her...she and the girls are my family


No amount of money or material things will make up for the betrayal of trust and heartbreak you have inflicted on this woman over and over again.

Having served the country doesn't give you a free pass to do whatever you like, nor should it be used to play the martyr and excuse poor choices and behaviour.

I think your wife is done and quite honestly, I don't blame her.

See the counsellor and lawyer, and also a Dr for your depression. Things will get better.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Thanks to everyone...she is letting me speak to my daughters..finally but she refuses to speak to me. She says I did this to myself...should I drive down tomorrow night and try to see my kids on Christmas? Will that prove how much I need her/miss the kids?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You will screw this up if you make this about her right now...now is the time to make it about the kids..PERIOD!!!!!!

Do not ruin this by talking about "use" crap. She will shut down. Show her you are alpha enought to control your self respect her wishes and focus on the kids.

Dude if you don;t respect her wishes now it only validates the simple fact that you don't respect her.

Serious this can go south if you can't keep your sh1t together and keep it all bout the kids.

If she sees you are respecting her by keeping your distance it will be the first building block in repaiting this. It will take a lot of building blocks from here on out but please trust me...turning this visit into a "you and her" converation will back fire.

No matter how hard it is please keep it about the kids and in time she will see she is finally getting some respect from a man that continued to disrepect her with his infidelity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Depressedjoe said:


> Will that prove how much I need her/miss the kids?


One little visit isn't going to show her crap...dude you killed her you murdered any love she had for you with what you did.

start with the kids and in a year you might beable to gain some ground.

Again make this about the kids!

Like I said earlier start by being a good father during this seperation...then maybe in time she can see that you are at least worth her time in working together and coparent.

Don't screw this up! leave her out of this visit and just be a dad.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If she left the state you should file for the kids to be returned to th4 marital home (if there is a stable place you stay, not knowing if you are or will be deployed..)

You have 6 months to file for her to return the kids before she establishes residency in another state. Question is- will you be able to do 50/50 custody? 

Get a lawyer and fast. I was confused by who is wife, ex wife, and such. I do know if she establishes residency in another state, you will have more problems. But if you cannot be at least a half time dad, it may not matter to you. You will rarely get a true 50/50 timeshare if you can be deployed. 

Forget about wife and focus on kids for now. Play nice but know your rights and consult a family lawyer ASAP. Good luck!


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

So you wouldn't drive 10 hrs and try to see your kids for Christmas or New Years?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would!
But my reason would be to see my kids not to see my wife.
Your wife still needs time to heal. Your infidelity is cutting her to the core so show her the respect by keeping this about the kids


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Would you drive down for Christmas or New Years?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

It would be Christmas for me; it would mean more to the kids than New Year's Eve. But, if you're smart then you will just make it about the kids and ONLY the kids. Don't engage her in "I'm going to make it all up to you", etc.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> So you wouldn't drive 10 hrs and try to see your kids for Christmas or New Years?


Honestly, I could see this SERIOUSLY backfiring on you. 

You devastated her... It doesn't matter how much stuff you bought her, how many bills you paid. You have destroyed this woman with your actions. IF this is fixable, the only thing that will do it is time and space from you, and going down there sounds like the worst thing you can do right now.
I know you miss her and your kids, and that it's Christmas, but I think the best thing for you is to respect her wishes and give her the space that she needs right now.

The way you're posting about the whole situation, I would be afraid that going down there for "the kids" would turn into you trying to force a conversation with her, and that's not going to lead anywhere you want to go.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Depressed Joe, you EARNED what you are going through. You've been a liar and a cheat to her over and over again. It's all about YOU and what YOU want. 

Hell, you're even lying to us! Your paperwork didn't "accidentally" land you in VA the way you make it sound. You've consistently treated your wife as less important than other women who have NOT been there for you the way your wife has been. 

She's a smart girl, and I hope she will continue to keep you out of her life until you learn how to be a good partner. Because straight up, you're about as "ate up" as it gets as far as being a husband. 

You know... the same thing YOU would say to YOUR daughter if her guy was like you. But I don't see any remote hint that you want to be a better man... no. You just want to manipulate her into thinking you "need" her... You already PROVED that you only think of her as your domestic wh0re - you pay her for domestic services while you have your fun elsewhere. (Well, to be precise, the Army and we taxpayers pay a significant chunk of those married w/ dependents benefits...)

I respect your service to our country, but I can't say I have any respect for you as a man. Sorry, but true.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Thanks--I know I messed up but ..I guess I was resentful towards her for spending all my deployment $ while I was getting shot at overseas. I was in the most dangerous province..Kunar--think RESTREPO the movie about 20 minutes from there..(some guys don't experience combat---just a heads up 80% of all deployers never get shot/blown up or even go out the wire--just to let ppl outside the military to know the truth)..,it's no excuse and now I sit here and regret life--my wife felt like she had body image issues because of the girl I cheated on her with and my past ex gf was a nba cheerleader--I think it effected her after having kids--I guess I'm here because I'm lonely--I miss my wife and kids--I went to a counselor today. She told me that I was shallow more or less and that I needed to work on the big 3--myself, my thoughts, and my actions..its just depressing because no matter how beautiful/nice I mess things up...I don't even drink but since she left I have drink at least a beer each of the past days (before she left I drink 0-1 a month)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I served our country as well, as have many others that don't behave like a pos.. Just leave your wife alone and stop making this about you. Everything in your posts is about you and what you want and feel. This drive isn't about the kids, it's about you pushing your bullsh!t on your wife. Just leave.her.alone. and take care of your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Both you AND your wife need to make this about the kids. Have either of you asked THEM if they want to see you?

If the kids do want to see you, you should go and your wife should not stand in your way. 

If they don't, you need to respect that and give them space to get their heads around this.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If things were so friendly, hot and steamy with the first wife, why did the two of you divorce? 



> I guess I was resentful towards her for spending all my deployment $ while I was getting shot at overseas.


Spending your money on ... your children? What was she spending the money on? (Apparently not the $25,000 blow-out wedding the first wife had.) If you didn't want a wife and dependents to indeed, depend on you while you were overseers "getting shot at" why did you get married a second time?


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

I got married because it was the right thing to do...how am I pos when I'm probably one of the few ppl that actually tell the truth instead of tell ppl what they want to hear? Yeah well that $25,000 wedding was never let down and my first wife was Vietnamese and couldn't stand being away from her family once we moved to ft sill it was too far away from her family and ..I do miss my daughters so it is about them but I ain't going to lie I'm depressed too so I just want to talk to my wife which is a bad idea according to the therapist ..she recommended me not going but I already bought plane tickets because I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve or Christmas . I bought my wife a pair of diamond earring studs like she wanted and was going to buy my kids a bunch of presents...I think I'm going to heed everyone's advice and just put all the gifts in her car and tell her that I just wanted to bring presents and since we didn't work out our issues that I'd be at the hotel if she wanted to bring my daughters over..so I can give her space


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

And I didn't mention it earlier but my wife and I went through a lot of marital counseling for the things I did...I just crossed the line because she wouldn't talk to me...like she does the ignore routine and it just made me so mad that she wouldn't talk to me a couple weeks ago..so I started yelling at her and she threatened to call my boss or the mps..and I snapped I told her that I'd beat her ass and get my $ worth before they got there and that's when she said she was leaving..she said I'm going to leave before Christmas..don't worry I've never hit her but it made me mad that I gave her a house, a car, took care of her and her family, and she spent all my money and then she was threatening to call the cops for me yelling at her


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Don't worry..I've never laid a hand on her..I just have. PTSD from Iraq and I just snapped..so before anyone posts on me..I'm all talk with my wife. The counselor told me that I have anger issues and need to get back into boxing. I was the boxing champion at our fob over in Iraq and she said I need to fix me...**** I don't know why I'm telling ppl this stuff but Imy only real friend was my wife and I jacked it up


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to get some serious counseling ASAP.
You will be in my prayers.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, joe ... I'm here to tell you that you messed up. Quit justifying. Quit making excuses. Forget about all the other messed-up crap that happened to you.

You. Cheated. Period. Let's just stay on topic.

Like it or not, there are consequences for the choices you made. At present, it would be best for all concerned for you to spend Christmas alone. Why? Because you are shooting from the hip with all the emotions you are dealing with.

Okay, thank you for serving your country. But I'm not going to handle this with kid gloves. My husband put in 20 years as a career Army officer. That last deployment messed with his head pretty bad.

Still, he never screwed around on me. Never. Sadly, his mistress is the bottle. It's almost as bad. 

I walked out four years ago. And I didn't want any contact with him the first year we were separated. He got the message and stayed out of my life. 

Give your wife space. She not only needs it, she deserves it. Quit thinking about what YOU want. Respect her right to be alone for now.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> And I didn't mention it earlier but my wife and I went through a lot of marital counseling for the things I did...I just crossed the line because she wouldn't talk to me...like she does the ignore routine and it just made me so mad that she wouldn't talk to me a couple weeks ago..so I started yelling at her and she threatened to call my boss or the mps..and I snapped *I told her that I'd beat her ass and get my $ worth before they got there and that's when she said she was leaving*..she said I'm going to leave before Christmas..don't worry I've never hit her but it made me mad that I gave her a house, a car, took care of her and her family, and she spent all my money and then she was threatening to call the cops for me yelling at her


Seriously, if I were your W and you showed up on my doorstep, I'd take out a restraining order on you.

You need to see a doctor about your depression, keep up with the counseling and get your life in order so that you can be a good father to your children. 

This is no longer about you, your wife or your marriage. It's about damage control as far as your children are concerned.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Thanks..so prodigal did you get back after the separation or did you divorce?


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Why a restraining order? I've never touched her just yell/argue


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

She just messaged me asking me to pay her phone and give herb$ to buy perfume--I guess she already blew $600 in 4 days..is it a good thing that she is asking for $ or no? The counselor says I try to buy myself out of things and be superficial


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Depressedjoe said:


> The counselor says I try to buy myself out of things and be superficial


You have a very astute counselor.

No, I didn't move back in with my husband, although we have visited one another several times in the past 18 months. No sex involved; just hanging out together.

His love for the bottle outweighs his love for me. I learned not to have a rational discussion with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not rational. I would be wasting my breath and time trying to make him see the light.

That being said, I'm not here to make you see the light. Just offering my take on what you have written thus far.

You messed up. Big time. I don't give a good cahoot about all the sins your ex wife and current wife have committed.

They aren't posting. You are. Your a serial cheater. Deal with what you own. Focus on yourself.

And give your wife and kids space. You have been selfish. Stop being selfish. Work on yourself.

JMO.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Depressedjoe said:


> Why a restraining order? I've never touched her just yell/argue


You threatened her. It's not just yelling. You don't sound like you take any responsibility at all, Oh I just slept with other women/cheated on her and threatened to beat her but I pay the mortgage. :scratchhead: She was 100% right to leave. Don't go there for Christmas, hopefully her family is supportive of her and I doubt they would let you in after everything. I wouldn't, if it was my daughter her father wouldn't let you come in the driveway. At the very least the cops would be called to remove you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

DepressedJoe, I'm super glad to hear you're seeing a counselor. That's a great beginning and you ARE doing the right thing with that. You need to respect your wife's boundaries. I don't know that I agree that you should spend Christmas alone, especially if you're feeling depressed, but she is NOT who you should be spending THIS Christmas with! 

Do you have any other family? Friends?

I wouldn't give her money except as required by the military. Your BAH differential, I believe (?) until your divorce is final or there is an order for child support. The more you give her, the more she will take. Yes, you've been a straight up dumba$$ but the time to stop is now. Start with handling your money responsibly, keeping your pants zipped, and getting your priorities straightened out with the help of your counselor.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From one guy that gets shot at to another guy that got shot at you can't gaslight the crap we have been thru with the behavior we have...there is no excuse for bad behavior when there are options.

I never betrayed my old lady but after being shot I was pissed and I took it out on alot of poeple...wife included!

But there are tools out there to fix us and were stupid not to use them when we want the ones we love back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Depressedjoe said:


> She just messaged me asking me to pay her phone and give herb$ to buy perfume--I guess she already blew $600 in 4 days..is it a good thing that she is asking for $ or no? The counselor says I try to buy myself out of things and be superficial


Joe now that you have seen a shrink...go back and reread your thread!!!!!!!

Hell we can;t all be phucken wrong...can we?


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

So I ended up flying down...I bought a couple hundred dollars worth of toys for my kids and a $600 set of diamond earrings and wrote a note of apology to my wife on Christmas Eve. She still ignored my messages and directed me to talk to her brother whose apartment she was staying at. So I coordinated with him and dropped all the gifts off while my wife and daughters were at her aunts. I then talked to her brother for like 2 hrs ..he told me that he was certain she still loved me but it was going to take a lot of time. He told me to give her space and leave her alone for a few weeks..don't message or call and go to my counseling. I then left on Christmas Eve. This morning she told me that I could come see my daughters and I went there and played with my daughters for a few hours before flying out. My wife and I didn't speak the entire time. During my flight back I started thinking that she had to have planned this out for a while since she coordinated with her sister to fly up to help her drive there and she had talked to the pastor a week or 2 earlier according to an email I saw. Am I an ass for feeling betrayed since she faked being happy format least a month...(not that I can feel but so betrayed considering all I had done)? I'm going to continue seeing the counselor but I guess what would everyone else do?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Depressedjoe said:


> I started thinking that she had to have planned this out for a while since she coordinated with her sister to fly up to help her drive there and she had talked to the pastor a week or 2 earlier according to an email I saw. Am I an ass for feeling betrayed since she faked being happy for at least a month...


Joe, you threatened her with physical violence. It doesn't matter whether you intended to do it, or have ever done it prior. You threatened her. You frightened her.

Of course she faked being happy. She was biding her time until she could safely get out. I would have done the same thing.

Put one of your daughters in her position...surely you wouldn't want your daughters treated that way???

You should treat your wife the same way that you'd want your daughters to be treated. She is just as important as they are.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Well that's the thing--I didn't threaten her until about a week ago while it's looks like she talked to the pastor back in November..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Keep looking for reasons that you're really the victim here, so you don't have to fully own your actions. Please leave your wife alone; everything is still all about you, which is a pretty typical abuser mentality. You're not marriage material right now. I wonder how long it will take you to get po'd that you spent more money on her and she still won't do what you want, because clearly in your world she's obligated. I repeat: leave her alone and get yourself ic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Gotta love it when a serial philanderer feels betrayed when he comes to the conclusion that his wife must have planned her escape.

Yes. Escape.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What is truly in your heart? Can you commit to one person? If it is your ex that you want to be with, can you stay away from one-night stands and be a devoted husband and father? If you feel this is so, then speak to your ex and see what can be worked out. Why did you guys split in the first place? 

I feel for Lisa, she has been thru alot and accepted you back when she did not need to. Do you love here or was this a rebound? The situation is confusing I am sure but you have to figure out what is in your heart and what you can commit to.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

Thank you for teaching me a new word. I guess I portray myself in a negative light--my wife hasn't worked a day since June. 2009. I took care of her family. She overdrafts her accounts all the time--she spent at least $20k at target while I was deployed on "the girls" and taking them out eating. It's not like she was exactly an angel and when I got back she got mad over the simplest things and is no some super Christian which was obsessed with the Book Radical and wanted to give all our stuff away to be better Christians. I myself am very wishy washy when it comes to religion I tend to ask where God was when my Soldiers got blown up or the guy I saw was shot through the face etc..the only reason I mention that is because she goes to 3 bible studies a week with 2 separate churches. Was I wrong for asking her to not spend all my $ or go to all these studies? (This led to a lot of fights btw)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're not wrong to ask your wife to treat you with respect. If you feel disrespected, there are plenty of ways to deal with it. But you have chosen all the WRONG ways! 

So here you are, feeling betrayed and depressed, which would not have happened if YOU had made different choices along the way. It doesn't matter what she did, or when she planned to leave. You contributed to your situation every bit as much as she has. 

But your pity pot routine isn't going to work with those of us who have been there, done that. In your heart, you know that you cheated because YOU WANTED TO. It had nothing to do with seeing someone get shot in the face. You can come up with excuses and rationalizations all day long, but the bottom line is that you acted a certain way and it brought about results you don't like. 

If you want to have a different outcome, change yourself. You can't change her. You can't change the world. You can't change human nature. But you can change yourself and plan for a different outcome the next time. 

Personally, I think the diamond earrings is a manipulative thing AND that it's a way of showing that you don't REALLY have a problem with your money being spent wastefully. After all, you can spend a ton of money on someone who's showing you that she does NOT want you around her right now. Do you really expect her to think, "Aw, these earrings are a way to show me that I was wrong about spending his money?" 

Focus on fixing your own thought patterns right now, because you're on the wrong track. Leave her alone. You're hearing this from people who know her, you're hearing it from her, and you're hearing it from strangers who don't know either of you but have seen situations like yours again and again... and yet, you somehow ignore ALL of them and go off doing things your way yet again, and yet again you found out that it didn't work. 

And how do you react to finding out that it didn't work? By finding more reasons to feel sorry for yourself. Get over yourself, dude, because EVERYONE else can sure get over you.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

I agree 100%! Deployment has nothing to do with me cheating. I chose to do that because I was resentful towards her. I felt like ok I give her all my money and she continues to blow it all (she even over drafted yesterday! I in fact told her and she said "just fix it like always and worry about your own money)...but I digress you are 100% I take blame for my cheating. I'm just frustrated because on one hand I have a lot of issues with my wife but I miss coming home to her and my daughters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with KathyBatesel, and to be honest, if my husband cheated on me and then bought me some expensive diamond earrings, like a couple of rocks could make any difference to how I felt, I'd want to throw them back in his face while yelling, "why don't you go give them to whatever woman you're currently screwing!"


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

breeze said:


> I agree with KathyBatesel, and to be honest, if my husband cheated on me and then bought me some expensive diamond earrings, like a couple of rocks could make any difference to how I felt, I'd want to throw them back in his face while yelling, "why don't you go give them to whatever woman you're currently screwing!"


I cheated over a year and a half ago back in May of last year...it's not like it was yesterday and we went to counseling for it as well..I'm just saying..not justifying it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> I tend to ask where God was when my Soldiers got blown up or the guy I saw was shot through the face etc..the only reason I mention that is because she goes to 3 bible studies a week with 2 separate churches.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The best Christian response I know of here is that Christ is on his Cross, sharing your suffering.


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## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

Your wife kidnapped your children. Has anyone mentiond this?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

KalmAndKollected said:


> Your wife kidnapped your children. Has anyone mentiond this?



No, because she's their mother and that's ridiculous. There's no court order in place and she's not keeping them from him. She's their mother and can take them anywhere she likes until a court tells her otherwise. Report this one to the cops and see the reaction you get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Gotta love it when a serial philanderer feels betrayed when he comes to the conclusion that his wife must have planned her escape.
> 
> Yes. Escape.



Not only a serial philanderer, but an abusive one. That's why he feels betrayed, because in the end she made him do everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She spent all YOUR money???

Call me old fashioned but I thought once a couple was married, everything became THEIRS.


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

frusdil said:


> She spent all YOUR money???
> 
> Call me old fashioned but I thought once a couple was married, everything became THEIRS.


You know you are right..perhaps I am in the wrong. Yesterday was the first day that I had not spoke to/messaged my wife in 4 years. Perhaps everyone is right...I guess right now I'm going to follow her brothers guidance to avoid talking to her and give her space for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

When is your next counseling session, DJ? 

I hope you'll consider what I am about to say very seriously. I see this sudden change of attitude from you and it puts me on guard. In my experience, change doesn't happen the way you're coming across. I think that as you give a little space to your wife, and you start feeling like you are back in control, you're probably going to think you don't need to see a counselor and that this was "just a moment of weakness" on your part. 

Please believe me when I tell you that you'd be making a big mistake to drop counseling. 

You have some things to work on before you'll be able to truly be a good partner to someone. 

You have to learn to stop running from problems, for one thing. Your examples of cheating AND why you chose to be deployed show that you don't cope well with frustration and you turn to unhealthy choices when that happens. 

You have to learn how to set boundaries for yourself to avoid building those resentments in the first place. 

You need to learn how to accept influence from your partner. To work as a "we" instead of a "you and me." 

It's nobody's fault that you didn't learn how to be a good partner yet, but if you turn your back on the opportunity to learn how, that's 100% your responsibility that you will have failed. So please, stick with counseling and learn how to have SUCCESSful relationships instead!


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## Depressedjoe (Dec 22, 2013)

So this morning my wife messages me (I have left her alone)...she asked for $ to take my daughters to see Disney on Ice--should I be annoyed that every time I give her $ that she pays not only for her but for her sister as well and that no matter the amount of $ ...she spends it all. I know I messed up in all my endeavors but is it weird that sometimes I feel that I am being used because since she has left she has only spoke to me twice-/both times to ask for $. She blew $1,200 in two weeks and cleared her bank account so the month total is $1,865 that she has spent and she over drafted the other day. I guess I just feel used because it just seems like she has no problem spending $ but doesn't want anything to do with me. Today I gave her the $ and she just told me she would send me pics of the girls but nothing yet...I guess ppl say I am wrong about it being my money but it's a major issue for me when I give her over a $1,000 and she pays $0 to bills. Am I wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

And yet you gave her the money. What does that tell you about yourself? It's sad really.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> So this morning my wife messages me (I have left her alone)...she asked for $ to take my daughters to see Disney on Ice--should I be annoyed that every time I give her $ that she pays not only for her but for her sister as well and that no matter the amount of $ ...she spends it all. I know I messed up in all my endeavors but is it weird that sometimes I feel that I am being used because since she has left she has only spoke to me twice-/both times to ask for $. She blew $1,200 in two weeks and cleared her bank account so the month total is $1,865 that she has spent and she over drafted the other day. I guess I just feel used because it just seems like she has no problem spending $ but doesn't want anything to do with me. Today I gave her the $ and she just told me she would send me pics of the girls but nothing yet...I guess ppl say I am wrong about it being my money but it's a major issue for me when I give her over a $1,000 and she pays $0 to bills. Am I wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like she has some issues with money and she knows you are there to give her the financial support. Does she work? I would encourage her to find a job so she can earn her own spending money. And I would agree to an amount that you will give her either weekly or monthly so this feeling of resentment can subside. She needs to learn to budget and not see you as an endless wallet. You continually giving is not helping her and only causing hard feelings on your part.

Husband and I have separate accounts. He does earn more than me so he takes on more responsibility for like the house pmt and utilities. I paid for my own car, I buy my own stuff with my money. We both have savings accts. I would encourage working towards the same.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Depressedjoe said:


> So this morning my wife messages me (I have left her alone)...she asked for $ to take my daughters to see Disney on Ice--should I be annoyed that every time I give her $ that she pays not only for her but for her sister as well and that no matter the amount of $ ...she spends it all. I know I messed up in all my endeavors but is it weird that sometimes I feel that I am being used because since she has left she has only spoke to me twice-/both times to ask for $. She blew $1,200 in two weeks and cleared her bank account so the month total is $1,865 that she has spent and she over drafted the other day. I guess I just feel used because it just seems like she has no problem spending $ but doesn't want anything to do with me. Today I gave her the $ and she just told me she would send me pics of the girls but nothing yet...I guess ppl say I am wrong about it being my money but it's a major issue for me when I give her over a $1,000 and she pays $0 to bills. Am I wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you're married, the money might belong to the marriage. But she's left the marriage. I'd encourage you to send only the BAH each month that the military requires, and to not send a dime more until there's a child support order. 

You need to be together OR be separate. You cannot be together when one person's left. So be separate and let _her_ feel that pain of that separation, too. Focus on getting yourself back to good and make it clear to her that your primary goal right now is NOT her or her requests.


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