# It seemed so minor...



## MyTimeAgain (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm going to ask a question to the ladies but let me set some parameters.
1) You and husband dated five years before marriage.
2) Your husband has a lifetime hobby of photography.
3) You are 49 but look 39 at most. You're 5' 6" 120 pounds with firm breast, great legs, real nice butt and long blonde "never a bad day" hair.
4) Dating was a sexual adventure. Sex on the hotel balcony, shopping days with you in a sun dress and high heels (that's all folks), and multiple "have to learn to walk again" orgasms every time you get together.
Now, married for 3 months, your husband asks you to pose for some semi-nude (maybe later nude) photographs. He can develope and print at home. What is your response?

I'll talk later about what happened with us and the problems it caused.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I wouldn't think anything of it. I don't have any of the things you listed and had photography like that done when I turned 40 by a professional photographer.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

It wouldn't be an issue for me... I'd love it if my SO asked to do something like that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We've taken hundreds - digital camera, not film. None of your parameters have anything to do with it.

I suppose a worst case is if some are misused and get posted publicly (or is that pubicly?), but seriously, unless you're a celebrity no one will really care, at least for long.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

I say yes, happily!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He's an artist, I'd go for it. It's not uncommon for a spouse to do this if it's a hobby of his. Just don't do anything you are not comfortable with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It takes a lot of knowledge to do correct print photography at home - And a lot more than your $200 inkjet printer to print larger prints.

It takes even more to do people. Incl. the right lighting equipment and so on. Not pop-a-flash and here we go.

It takes a lot of time also.

I would question what are his motives and how to ensure the digital images remain secure... Especially the print part if he mentioned it specifically. Establish some boundaries as to how many times he plans to do it and so on...

Overall not thumbs up - things have a tendency to take a life of their eom sometimes...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, from my experience, I would ask to have a disclosure statement, such as they are to be used for personal use and viewing only, and not for sale or disclosure without a signed, written consent from you. i.e. a contract. 

If you don't, the photos are essentially his to do with as he pleases, and you can't do a darned thing about it.

We'd all like to trust our spouses, but look around on this forum, and see where being overly generous with trust will get you.

BTW, earlier today before reading your post, I looked on CL to see if my ex has been posting photos of me, the guys in my town have been looking at me funny... 

Personally, I would not let anyone take photos of me any more, regardless of how hot I look. I had quite a lot taken before scanning and JPG even came along, way before email.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Do tell about the revenge porn.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

GinnyTonia said:


> Do tell about the revenge porn.


This guy ran a website where ex spouses or exes can post pictures of the lovers who jilted them. All over the internet. After this, I am very sceptical of a person who is overtly enthusiastic about taking nnaked photos of their lover.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

First and foremost ...... he's my husband thus the one person on Earth i trust my life with. The trust needs to be there or this will not work ??

Nowadays with the digital cameras you don't need to have anything printed but securely save the pictures on a USB stick and be very careful with that stick 

I figured if he wants me to pose for him and he's going to get excited looking at umm ME in any various form of clothed or unclothed ................ well he's not looking at another women but at ME  

Win .. Win IMHO ??


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## MyTimeAgain (Jan 22, 2014)

Interesting replies. Let me respond to some. As a lifetime hobbest, I had and have thousands of dollars invested in cameras,lenses, lighting, printers and so on. My suggestion was for photos for our own use and nothing beyond. While dating we made videos for our use that I allowed her to destroy a few weeks later. As for objectification, she and most women I have known want to be admired for their beauty. But she also worked the same job I did at the same pay and with nearly equal recognition (I was looked at as the best of the dozen in that job, she was second). 

Of course, you all know by now she refused. Why? She said a tornado could blown them all over the county. My reply, that is maybe one in a billion chance and we can secure them well and we aren't going to be shooting porn. Nope, too risky. I said OK.

Now, fourteen years later, how has this changed our marriage? Your turn.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

14 years ago things were very different - it would have been film - develop - print and it is MUCH harder to flood the inter webs with negatives than it is with digital images  printing even worse.

How it impacted the marriage? By driving a wee bit of a wedge between the two of you? Bringing up unrealistic expectations? Jealousy? All kinds of ways.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Posters playing games are annoying. OP, just give us the story. Quit trying to make is guess. We're not 7 years old.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

For real. Just out with the story and ask your questions. You're angering me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

See, only have very flattering photos on hand - then with a revenge scenario you would only get new dates.

I'm picturing Playboy type stuff, though, I'm not talking Penthouse Beaver of the Month or anything.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I guess I'm just weird in that I don't really care where the pics end up. I know that right after we started dating, my current SO showed a friend some naughty pics I'd sent him, and it's never been an issue for me. Some dude saw my boobs... big whoop. 

I don't have any print copies lying around though; only digital.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Things tend to spread fast - it's rarely as simple as "Bob the copier repairman saw my b00bs".

In this day and age it is too big of a risk.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

As long as the photos are flattering and include no sex acts, what's the big deal?


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## MyTimeAgain (Jan 22, 2014)

I guess some of you are not good at playing party games. I will say that I thought is was over when it was over and I'll say that it took a long time for me to understand the things that started happening under the surface. But just think for a minute. Fear of tornado spreading photos is not reasonable, especially since we would probably be dead if that happened. So, creaping in the background was some truth that she didn't know herself or she hid. So there is a measage of lack of trust that colored everything even though I was unaware. Also, there is the message that there are limits to what she would do for me and there was the message that she was protecting herself from me. All of this was under the surface.

But all of those things made a difference. I didn't feel loved, respected, and trusted. I didn't feel like she was really there for me. I gradually change my approch to her. I avoided denial. I avoided rejection. I quit revealing myself to her. I reduced my approaches for sex. I began to fail to reach orgasm. I began to avoid sex. So we really had a business arrangement.

Over time, I'm changing and she doesn't know it. I changed a lot but she wasn't aware until I told her that no sex life ment no marriage and I wanted to leave. She became extremely interested in sex and restoring that part of our life. It took six months to get to the point that I could cum some. She did every time. But that started to fall apart because we never addressed the problem. When I try to talk about my feeling and the problems (I don't mention the photography because I don't care about that now), she quickly gets angry and we never get to the issues. She thinks she has done her part.

So, now it seems like there is no hope. Feeling trust, respect, and giving as well as taking are the issues. I'm sure she would say she does all of that. She doesn't make me feel it. But a simple request to pose was the spark.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Did she continue to have the crazy sex with you until things turned bad?

Using know that I would have felt different from you. Feeling someone is unreachable or unknowable, not being able to feel your spouse trusts you would be difficult to deal with.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have played tens of thousands of games of backgammon over 4 decades. In a game of equally skilled players, winning or losing often comes down to a single good or bad roll. Human relationships are no different. You can anticipate bad rolls and have a robust set of options and there will be one dreaded roll of the dice that will bring everything down. 

Do you have the will, motivation, or hope to seek counseling to address all these past events?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MyTimeAgain said:


> Fear of tornado spreading photos is not reasonable, especially since we would probably be dead if that happened.


I have stupid fears, I can't sleep comfortably naked because I have this stupid fear that the house will catch on fire and I'll have to run outside naked. Fears don't always have to be reasonable, if she's not comfortable, she's not comfortable. 




MyTimeAgain said:


> I didn't feel loved, respected, and trusted. I didn't feel like she was really there for me. I gradually change my approch to her. I avoided denial. I avoided rejection. I quit revealing myself to her. I reduced my approaches for sex. I began to fail to reach orgasm. I began to avoid sex. So we really had a business arrangement.


All this because she said no to one thing even though she said yes to everything else? Seems extreme. I don't want naked pictures of myself, it's perfectly reasonable for me to say no to that request and not have it completely ruin my sex life and relationship. 
If you said she was rejecting you in many different requests I would feel differently but from your previous post she was very adventurist - which showed that she trusts you. This was 1 thing she didn't want to do and you let it destroy your sex life? 



MyTimeAgain said:


> When I try to talk about my feeling and the problems (I don't mention the photography because I don't care about that now), she quickly gets angry and we never get to the issues. She thinks she has done her part.


So what do you tell her is the problem? What do you suggest she do to fix it? What do you think YOU did to cause the problems and what can you do to fix it.


I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling bitter tonight but I don't see "the problems" being her saying no to 1 request when you admit you withdrew and avoided sex for 14 years. 

Also- my not wanting to take naked pictures has nothing to do with trust and maybe hers weren't either. Maybe you should have trusted her that it wasn't about you?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

MyTimeAgain said:


> So there is a measage of lack of trust that colored everything even though I was unaware. Also, there is the message that there are limits to what she would do for me and there was the message that she was protecting herself from me. All of this was under the surface.


All this, because 3 months into the marriage she wouldn't let you take naked pics of her???? REALLY????

I do sexual things with my H now that I never dreamed I would do with him at ONE year of marriage. And, like you, we dated 5 years. I trusted him then but I trust him even MORE now. All I can say is thank goodness he didn't close up and withdraw because I needed some time to feel even closer to him and loosen up, and he doesn't hold grudges. 

You seem to pin all your problems on your wife, and it all stems down to this one incident, which isn't exactly a common everyday request from a spouse. 

I find it ridiculous. I'm not dismissing your issues or feelings but putting the sole blame of the downward spiral of a marriage on a refusal to take nude pictures at 3 months of marriage, 14 years ago, IS ridiculous.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MyTimeAgain said:


> I guess some of you are not good at playing party games. I will say that I thought is was over when it was over and I'll say that it took a long time for me to understand the things that started happening under the surface. But just think for a minute. Fear of tornado spreading photos is not reasonable, especially since we would probably be dead if that happened. So, creaping in the background was some truth that she didn't know herself or she hid. So there is a measage of lack of trust that colored everything even though I was unaware. Also, *there is the message that there are limits to what she would do for me *and there was the message that she was protecting herself from me. All of this was under the surface.
> 
> But all of those things made a difference. I didn't feel loved, respected, and trusted. I didn't feel like she was really there for me. I gradually change my approch to her. I avoided denial. I avoided rejection. I quit revealing myself to her. *I reduced my approaches for sex. I began to fail to reach orgasm. I began to avoid sex.* So we really had a business arrangement.
> 
> ...


You pulled away from your wife, initiated sexlessness into a formerly sexually fulfilling relationship, then threatened to leave your wife over that same lack of sex, and after she agreed to restore sex to the marriage it's still not enough. Because your wife had a personal boundary that you didn't like 15 years ago? Are you aware that two people can have differing feelings and opinions about a situation without one of them being wrong? Do you feel that your wife owes you unconditional love, and as such forfeits her right to say no to your requests? Sounds like you've spent many years punishing your wife for not doing what you wanted, and blaming her for a sexless marriage that you created. 

Frankly, I'm a little baffled that you feel that you are the one married to a rigid, untrusting, unloving, ungenerous partner.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am feeling very sorry for your wife.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You came into this world naked. Along the way, what's the real harm in a few more people seeing you this way?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You need therapy. This is all about having a false belief shattered and not being resilient enough to put it into perspective.

You blew this big time. 

What caused you to develop such rigid rules about what being trusted looks like? What made you so unable to trust her fear while demanding she trust you completely?

You didn't trust her. YOU DID NOT TRUST HER.

Your problem, 100%.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

techmom said:


> This guy ran a website where ex spouses or exes can post pictures of the lovers who jilted them. All over the internet. After this, I am very sceptical of a person who is overtly enthusiastic about taking nnaked photos of their lover.


What a sad and negative attitude to have. 

You marry someone, the love of your life, and trust them with everything but you are "skeptical" if they want to take nude photos of you? Wow. That's especially silly because a vengeful spouse could do a lot more damage than with nude photos - empty bank account, ruin your credit, give you an std, etc.

*If you are really that frightened, then you shouldn't take the risk of being married at all* (that's not necessarily directed at Techmom, but at everyone here). 

I've taken more nude photos of my wife than I can possibly count (our only contention is that she's usually not wild about it unless she's fully made up, but I prefer the more natural look). She's taken a few of me also. 

Initially, my wife had some concerns about her photos getting out. But I explained it like this: even if I put all her nude photos on the web, exactly who will look at them? It would be like a needle in an infinitely large haystack. Does anyone have any concept of how many nude photos are actually on the internet right now? 

No one knows exactly how big the internet is, but the major search engines store about *1,200 petabytes* of information. That is 1.2 million terabytes (one terabyte is 1,000 gigabytes). Most estimates at the amount of porn on the internet is about 37% of that, so in laymans terms, if all this nudity were actually printed, we are talking about enough video and photographs to almost cover the surface of the Earth!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's sexy


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I respectfully disagree.

Most "leaks" are inside jobs by a disgruntled spouse or result of hacking or similar.

While one has a higher chance of identity fraud, it is a relatively anonymous process in the sense that none of your friends will find out your data was in the Target hack etc.

In the nude pic case the likelihood is they will be used specifically, not put on some anonymous file server never to be seen again. Create a fake Facebook account and the photo album "B00B-O-RAMA-2012" could be sent to friends and family with little effort.

We're not talking celebrities and TMZ but more of a targeted job. If one was determined it would take months of working with clothed, semi clothed, swimsuit, lingerie, etc pics to build up confidence and a well secured computer and process to keep everything in check. If there is hesitation or concerns after a few deep cleavage or leg type shots then proceed even slower... Fully realizing it may not pan out.

It seemed a lot easier with the girls in my village growing up :rofl: they were more than willing but it was for a larger cause - long story for another time.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Look around and tell me how wise it is.

Most people don't secure devices in their own damn house. Jr. brings Norbert age 17 over and he connects and wanders through your unsecured shares.

Or heck. You are passworded to death. Norbert comes over to do homework. Jr. Gives him access to your network.

Most people don't understand network shares, home groups, work groups.

I


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Every computer in our house network is password protected - no open shares. The home file server only talks to one computer - mine - and it too is password protected. No guest access for visitors. For the most part the family members use one computer - their own. Most of the connections (and all computers) use wired Ethernet lines.

But half the wifi connections around me - my neighbors - have either trivial encryption or no encryption. Go figure.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You can trust your family but if you don't understand your technology, your trust is meaningless.

Folks, it was simpler with film.

I would wager most folks here could not guarantee safety without keeping this stuff off their home network.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Been there, done that. It was roaring fun. Still have the negatives and prints up in the attic. Lord knows what the stepchildren will think if they find them after I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I also did it with a boyfriend I'd hardly known 5 minutes, but they were glamour shots rather than unclad and he let me choose which prints he kept and gave me all the other prints and the negatives. Those are in the attic too!


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## MyTimeAgain (Jan 22, 2014)

I thought I would update a bit. 
Did she pose nude before our marriage? No, I didn't ask. But we did make a few VHS videos that would be XXX rated. Those were erased a few weeks later after we had our fun with them, watching and repeating.

For the people that questioned the equipment, format, and security I could offer, the initial request was for polaroid shots and we have a safe in the basement that she trusts will all of our secret and sensitive information. For those of you that worry about hackers, let me say that you are not trying to educate yourself about computer security at all. Buy good security software and learn to use it. A good router configured to ignore pings, with 256 encryption and a very long complex password is very secure. You can also turn off ports that are not necessary and you can individually password everything attached that stores data, But for your really important stuff, put it on a computer that is stand alone or a drive that is removable and do not attach it unless you need it. You can get 64GB microSD cards for less than $1/GB. Large USB drives are even cheaper. The chances of an external hack of a private home are way less than the chance you will win the lottery. The large majority or successful hacks are done by social engineering (getting someone inside to give access).

The point of this wasn't that this single incident unraveled our marriage. The point was that it created a weak spot. A spot where simple things could get a grip and do damage that would have been impossible before. For the person that said that I didn't trust her, don't be ridiculous. At the time this occured, I accepted it and moved on. It took years and tracing back through layers and layers of incidents and feelings for me to identify this as a start point. But a start point it was. And the real point, the important point, is to be very careful when you deny a request from your spouse. Every denial, no matter how trivial it may seem, can accumulate. In fact, it probably will accumulate in the subconscious. Remember that this is the person you trust, respect, and love more than anyone else in the world. If that is not true, get out now. In fact, I still feel that way about my wife. But my life will never be complete with her.

Take stock every now and then. Are you giving enough? Are you denying to much? Your spouse is taking stock, maybe subconsciously. But eventually the scales will tip. Which way will they tip and is that what you want?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Or you could see it like this...."when she said no I felt terribly rejected and I owed it to her to talk to her about it instead of letting it create years of resentment...so everyone should learn to be more self-aware and how to state their truth and express their needs"....instead of trying to blame this on your wife when you never even told her what you were feeling.


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## MyTimeAgain (Jan 22, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Or you could see it like this...."when she said no I felt terribly rejected and I owed it to her to talk to her about it instead of letting it create years of resentment...so everyone should lho said earn to be more self-aware and how to state their truth and express their needs"....instead of trying to blame this on your wife when you never even told her what you were feeling.


Who said I didn't try over the years? You sense the scales tipping but how do you deal with "I don't feel like you (trust/respect/give enough, care about me)" when all you get is "Of course I do" with not hint of wanting to understand or change anything? I wish some discussion had been taken seriously. But when I feel disrespect, that's always my fault.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, from my experience, I would ask to have a disclosure statement, such as they are to be used for personal use and viewing only, and not for sale or disclosure without a signed, written consent from you. i.e. a contract.
> 
> If you don't, the photos are essentially his to do with as he pleases, and you can't do a darned thing about it.
> 
> ...


What does "CL" stand for?


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, from my experience, I would ask to have a disclosure statement, such as they are to be used for personal use and viewing only, and not for sale or disclosure without a signed, written consent from you. i.e. a contract.
> 
> If you don't, the photos are essentially his to do with as he pleases, and you can't do a darned thing about it.


This strikes me as a very unreasonable fear. What, exactly, is the spouse going to do with these nude pictures? Sell them to Playboy? Maybe, maybe, 14 years ago that was possible, but now? If your nude photos wound up on the Internet, they'd be grains of sand on a beach. A really, really big beach.

Of all the ways your spouse can hurt you (financially, emotionally, physically)... you're worried about a few nude photos?? 

Sorry, I'm seeing a real lack of perspective here. 

And for the person talking about "objectification", I'm not sure what to say to that. We're talking about a man who likes looking at naked pictures..... of his wife. Is that a bad thing? Should we be having sex in the dark so that we do not gaze upon the nakedness of our spouses? :scratchhead:


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