# Do Ex's ever miss you ?



## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

If your wife leaves you for another man after a long term marriage will they eventually eventually miss you even if you took the break up very badly ?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> If your wife leaves you for another man after a long term marriage will they eventually eventually miss you even if you took the break up very badly ?


People are not pre-programmed robots who all think and act exactly the same. There is no one answer to this. Yes, some people regret their decision, but other people don't regret it at all. It depends on multiple factors. This isn't a math equation where you can plug in the factors, especially since you don't even know what those factors are for another person.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And l would add PRIDE!!!! Just rules.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr Sad said:


> If your wife leaves you for another man after a long term marriage will they eventually eventually miss you even if you took the break up very badly ?


Who cares if she ever misses you?


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> People are not pre-programmed robots who all think and act exactly the same. There is no one answer to this. Yes, some people regret their decision, but other people don't regret it at all. It depends on multiple factors. This isn't a math equation where you can plug in the factors, especially since you don't even know what those factors are for another person.


I know you are 100% correct i was just thinking in general... it was a stupid question to ask in hindsight i guess i'm just feeling a bit down.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

They might miss what you had to offer.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> I know you are 100% correct i was just thinking in general... it was a stupid question to ask in hindsight i guess i'm just feeling a bit down.


I'm sorry. I know you are looking for answers, but sometimes there aren't any answers. :frown2: At least not from someone else, especially someone who has turned on you.

You don't need that person in order to be happy in yourself. Let her go. Move forward towards what is good and right, rather than looking back on what is over and done. Hanging onto what makes you sad, isn't going to do you any good.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> I'm sorry. I know you are looking for answers, but sometimes there aren't any answers. :frown2: At least not from someone else, especially someone who has turned on you.
> 
> You don't need that person in order to be happy in yourself. Let her go. Move forward towards what is good and right, rather than looking back on what is over and done. Hanging onto what makes you sad, isn't going to do you any good.


Once again i know your right but when you've been married to someone for 30 years and you thought that person was your best friend and soulmate it's hard to let go even when you know that you must.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> Once again i know your right but when you've been married to someone for 30 years and you thought that person was your best friend and soulmate it's hard to let go even when you know that you must.


That's true. The key is to learn how to refocus your thoughts and not allow yourself to keep dwelling on things that only make you feel worse. Don't think about not thinking about it either. When your thoughts start going in a direction that is causing you pain, redirect them to something productive and positive. Think about what is right in your life.

Another thing that is helpful is to think about what you are doing rather than how you are feeling. Focus on the task at hand. 

When something particularly upsetting has happened to me, I immerse myself in something that will hold my attention and don't allow myself to dwell on whatever it is that is bothering me. When my grandparents died within months of each other, it was a very hard time for me. I was close to my grandparents and spent all my vacations at their home. When they died, I didn't know what to do with myself when vacation rolled around and I missed them terribly. My husband and I decided to spend that summer dedicated to them, which meant having fun. We did a lot of things that we knew my grandparents would have enjoyed and went to some of the same places that we had been to with them. It was a wonderful summer of celebrating them.

I know that you don't want to celebrate your wife, but could you celebrate what you enjoy doing? What brings you joy and happiness? What are the things that you couldn't do when you were married that you can do now? Where do you find your joy? Look for those things and work to include them into your daily life. Dwell on those things. What we dwell on sets our moods.


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

I am one of many who have been in your shoes. My husband cheated on me and we had been married for years. I divorced him. He stayed with the OW for several years after our divorce. I have to say that even though I am very happy with my life now, there are times that I wonder if he regrets anything or feels the least bit sorry. 

I think it's just human nature to wonder about these things. I'm not sure how long you've been divorced but I can say that it absolutely does get better. Time has to pass and you have to feel all the feelings. But eventually you will feel happy with your life -- and maybe even realize you are much happier divorced than you ever were married! 


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I ran away with someone. 

I initiated the divorce. 

It will always be the biggest, worst mistake I've ever made and I miss her ever single day of my God given life.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

EmeryB said:


> I am one of many who have been in your shoes. My husband cheated on me and we had been married for years. I divorced him. He stayed with the OW for several years after our divorce. I have to say that even though I am very happy with my life now, there are times that I wonder if he regrets anything or feels the least bit sorry.
> 
> I think it's just human nature to wonder about these things. I'm not sure how long you've been divorced but I can say that it absolutely does get better. Time has to pass and you have to feel all the feelings. But eventually you will feel happy with your life -- and maybe even realize you are much happier divorced than you ever were married!
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I'm not divorced yet we separated two and a half months ago and she cheated on me for a couple of months and then left me and moved in with the other man so as you said it is early days.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

My ex said something a few months after moving out about having screwed up her life. I don't know for sure that it had anything to do with our split specifically or just the way she put off going to school, job hopping, having kids either when she did or at all, and staying with me as long as she did. She had always described her reasons for leaving me to be who I was and not what I did so reconciliation was never going to be a serious consideration for me. I might with effort change my habits but no one really changes who they are at the core. The only time it was even really mentioned was essentially the lies you tell to children when we told them she was moving out (IE "nothing is definite", "this might just be temporary", etc) and once when we had a hashing out of the logistics of paperwork and terms.

I knew that when she mentioned reconciliation that it wasn't me she wanted to reconcile with. I had made her life easier almost every day. Bill paying, cooking, laundry, etc were now going to be her problem. If she had a bad day (or week or month or season) and decided that doing that stuff was too hard or whatever, no one else was going to pick up her slack and it would just pile up. Having a live in servant was what she missed, I did that for a couple decades, and, now that she wants to live independently, that can be her problem now.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Who cares if she ever misses you?


I see his question two ways.

First, one might care out of a vindictive sense. Missing you implies regret and that she made a terrible mistake. Her loss.

Second, hope that maybe someone might come back.

I think a later post implies he's more in the second camp. That's unfortunate, since he has little control over that and even less control over how things might turn out if she did.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> I see his question two ways.
> 
> First, one might care out of a vindictive sense. Missing you implies regret and that she made a terrible mistake. Her loss.
> 
> ...


And I think he’s wasted enough of his finite life thinking about whatever this zero integrity woman wants or doesn’t want. 

You have one life. Best not to waste it thinking about people that have nothing to offer but pain and more wasted time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I ran away with someone.
> 
> I initiated the divorce.
> 
> It will always be the biggest, worst mistake I've ever made and I miss her ever single day of my God given life.


I share your pain. I feel the exact same way, but she said she’s done.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Mr Sad said:


> If your wife leaves you for another man after a long term marriage will they eventually eventually miss you even if you took the break up very badly ?


I am sorry to break it to you, but it won't happen in this lifetimr. Your wife is the typical cheater that used an exit affair to burn all the bridges so to speak. That type of deceit doesn't come with regret or missing what she made sure was toast when she walked away. 

Realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done right or wrong to fix this. It was all her. She wanted out and wanted out in a way where rebuilding was not possible. She detached from you long before any signs of even an affair were on the radar. She just didn't bother to clue you in on her disinterest in you or your marriage. Your story and mine are very similar in that we were blind sided with our cheaters exit affair. Sadly, this type of affair is very common in long term relationships. Reconciliation and remorse are impossible with this type of affair. 

You didn't break it, therefore, you can't fix it. No consolation in knowing this, but realize that your only option is to get to the detachment she was in when she found your replacement. Take care of YOU because she doesn't give a rat's ass about you or your pain. She IS that far gone. You must do the same by getting to a point in your life where what she does or how she is is like seeing what your distant unfriendly neighbor is up too. You don't really know what that neighbor is doing and you pretty much don't care to know as it has no relevance to your life.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I would lean toward yes especially from a long term marriage but not I miss you come crawling back kinda way. I would say most ex's ponder the idea of the what if's or what could of been. Sometimes i miss my ex's but not like trying to get back with them.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> If your wife leaves you for another man after a long term marriage will they eventually eventually miss you even if you took the break up very badly ?


In my many years of experience, I've come to learn several things. One of these things is, when a woman is done, she's done.

Whether you want to face it or not, your wife disrespected you over and over by cheating on you and lying to your face about it. Then, she built a damned crawlspace UNDER her lowest point in life by deserting you to run off with Prince Charming.

It's bad enough she has ZERO respect for you, but *you* need to have more respect for yourself and stop hoping this vile excuse for a human being will 'miss' you and possibly come crawling back to you. The saddest part is, I think you'd actually take her back if she did.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> Thanks for your input. I'm not divorced yet we separated two and a half months ago and she cheated on me for a couple of months and then left me and moved in with the other man so as you said it is early days.


 I was a little rough in my last post but it needed to be said. 

However, I do feel bad because now that I know you were married for 30 years, that tells me she basically told you when to come in out of the rain and you're feeling pretty lost without her. That's how it usually is for most guys in this age bracket when they suddenly find themselves alone and having to fend for themselves.

I stand by what I said. But don't be surprised if she does start sniffing around looking to come back home when her romance with this guy ****s the bed. You see this quite a bit - a cheater runs off to be with their prince/princess, it doesn't quite turn out to be the Shangri-La the two fools thought it would be, and then the cheater is suddenly ALL about wanting to go back home because they made "_such a mistake._" She'll pretty much tell you whatever you want to hear if she finds herself homeless and needs to come back home. Make NO mistake about it.

And that would make you nothing more than her *last* option.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> *Who cares if she ever misses you?*


*I guess that I'd be all but flattered to learn that my RSXW would ever come to miss me! Truth be told, I think that she'd miss her opulent lifestyle and enabling her convict dopehead children a lot sooner!

The only thing that she would ever miss would be deception and her avid facilitation of spreading her hot loins for other desirable men off in some far-off corner of the world!

If she, or even my first wife, ever taught me a solitary thing, it is foremostly never to try trusting again! They're all capable of doing it, at some juncture of their lives, and for whatever reason!*


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd be all but flattered to learn if my RSXW ever came to miss me!
> 
> The only thing that she ever misses is deception and her avid facilitation of spreading her hot loins for other desirable men off in some far off corner of the world!
> 
> If she ever taught me a solitary thing, it is foremostly never to try trusting again! They're all capable of doing it!*


Ahh. :frown2: "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." It's not exclusively men or exclusively women who can't be trusted. It is people. Not one of us is truly righteous. However, there are good men and women out there. You are not the only one who is righteous. I'm not suggesting you should try again. Maybe that isn't your path, but do know that there are good people out there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cynthia said:


> * Ahh. :frown2: " All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." It's not exclusively men or exclusively women who can't be trusted. It is people. Not one of us is truly righteous. However, there are good men and women out there. You are not the only one who is righteous. I'm not suggesting you should try again. Maybe that isn't your path, but do know that there are good people out there.*


*Oh, without a doubt, there's some awfully good women out there, @Cynthia but thanks for pointing that rather cognizant fact out!

The thing that I'm most proud of is, that while I'm definitely a fallen angel, I've never entertained cheating on a spouse or a significant other! 

But after having batted a deplorable 0 for 2 against two horrendous "screwball pitchers of infidelity," I think that I'd be far better off just sitting out and watching the rest of the ballgame! I guess that I'm just not really up to battling all of the games and the potential pain of attempting to finding another!

With my track record, even if I attached myself to some virtuous gal who was much like Mother Theresa, odds are greatly there that even she would eventually come to cheat on me! 

The odds are definitely not in this old man's favor! I really don't need that! *


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Mine always do.
They always find a way to find me.
I always get the same lines....made a bad choice....I was not ready....I screwed up.

Some people do not know what they have until they lose it. They play life safe until they realize they messed up.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> Mine always do.
> They always find a way to find me.
> I always get the same lines....made a bad choice....I was not ready....I screwed up.
> 
> Some people do not know what they have until they lose it. They play life safe until they realize they messed up.


*But most would never have the dignity to ever tell you that to your face! 

They're largely warped and self-serving people! *


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I honestly don’t know and don’t care if she does. I know I was a good husband and she lost her family over her affair. I know it’s hard to see now because it’s fresh but in time I hope you see this as I see my x wife which is an honest godsend. Had she not turned out to be the person she was I would have never met the love of my life, my fiancé. She is the honest woman of character my x was never capable of being.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'll never understand how a person can betray another in such a gut wrenching way. They must die a little inside everytime they lie to their spouse "I'm working late", "Got to go away next week for work" etc. how can they do that?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

frusdil said:


> I'll never understand how a person can betray another in such a gut wrenching way. They must die a little inside everytime they lie to their spouse "I'm working late", "Got to go away next week for work" etc. how can they do that?


It's their character, and really don't think it bothers them.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *But most would never have the dignity to ever tell you that to your face!
> 
> 
> 
> They're largely warped and self-serving people! *




And that is why if a second chance with me is tried, it has to be earned.

I just dropped one of those “ex’s” because he messaged me a load of poop, I called him out on it 2 minutes later and then I got no response for hours.

Sorry, I am #1, not #2.
If you screwed up in the past and I give you a chance, then do not forget that I do not forget, so expect to get called out when I smell something foul.

I have better things to do with my time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I'll never understand how a person can betray another in such a gut wrenching way. They must die a little inside everytime they lie to their spouse "I'm working late", "Got to go away next week for work" etc. how can they do that?


*Betrayal is their whole mindset! So long as they can unload their hormones onto someone else in a way that is fun and pleasing to them, to Hell with the rest of the world!

The lesson that they've duly comprehended is: "It's all about them and their feelings ~ and nothing else comes first!"

In essence, a cheating wife or husband is little more than a jaded, self-entitled coward, whose primary function in life shamelessly becomes "deception" far and away over any other righteous human characteristic!*


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

frusdil said:


> I'll never understand how a person can betray another in such a gut wrenching way. They must die a little inside everytime they lie to their spouse "I'm working late", "Got to go away next week for work" etc. how can they do that?


What I’ve commonly heard:

“It didn’t feel real”

“This was just for me”

“I’m not hurting him because he doesn’t know”

“This has nothing to do with them”

“This is their fault”

“I don’t know how I do it, I just do”

And stuff like that.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I sincerely doubt it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> In my many years of experience, I've come to learn several things. *One of these things is, when a woman is done, she's done.*
> 
> Whether you want to face it or not, your wife disrespected you over and over by cheating on you and lying to your face about it. Then, she built a damned crawlspace UNDER her lowest point in life by deserting you to run off with Prince Charming.
> 
> It's bad enough she has ZERO respect for you, but *you* need to have more respect for yourself and stop hoping this vile excuse for a human being will 'miss' you and possibly come crawling back to you. The saddest part is, I think you'd actually take her back if she did.



Truer words were never spoken, and I wish more guys would learn this hard fact of life. Once a woman loses respect for a man (whether the reasons are legitimate or not) she will never regain respect for him again. Doesn't matter what he does. He could cure cancer, save fifteen schoolkids from a raging skyscraper fire, and become a billionaire all in one year and it would not matter. He will still be a worthless piece of sh*t in her eyes. Women are wired funny that way, but most men won't accept this truth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I honestly don’t know and don’t care if she does. I know I was a good husband and she lost her family over her affair. I know it’s hard to see now because it’s fresh but in time I hope you see this as I see my x wife which is an honest godsend. Had she not turned out to be the person she was I would have never met the love of my life, my fiancé. She is the honest woman of character my x was never capable of being.


Your ex may already regret her decision, but her pride will never let her admit to it to you or anyone. Pride is the worst of all sins I think, because it eliminates any hope and expectation of self-examination and illumination. Your ex will never take the opportunity to dig deep and learn about why she made the foolish decisions she did, and so she will keep making those same foolish decisions till the end of her life. It's a damn tragedy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When I look at this question, I look as someone who chose to divorce her husband. He did not want the divorce, _at all,_ and he drug his feet a _longgggg time. _ 

I knew it would have a very negative financial & emotional affect on him long term to lose me. He is the father of my children, and had been my best friend for about 25 years. 

So, do I miss him? Absolutely I do, and often. This is *NOT* to ever be construed that it’s because I want to go back to him, or that I still am in love with him. Never, no how, no way. I miss the friendship piece. I miss his wicked sharp sense of humor. I miss someone that totally can read me like a book, because he knows me so well. *I miss my friend. * I understand that a lot of people don’t get this. That’s ok.

I am always happy to see him twice a week for kiddo exchange. I also love it when he comes in to visit or stays for dinner with my husband and I and our children. These little moments of time together end up giving me two sets of emotions. 

1. Happy to joke with him and reminisce about stupid old stories. 
2. Even happier that I am no longer married to him, and that I have an awesome husband that is fine with the level of friendship I maintain with my XH and how good it is for our kids.

Simple answer to OPs question: Absolutely, some do.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Spicy said:


> I am always happy to see him twice a week for kiddo exchange. I also love it when he comes in to visit or stays for dinner with my husband and I and our children. These little moments of time together end up giving me two sets of emotions.
> 
> 1. Happy to joke with him and reminisce about stupid old stories.
> 2. Even happier that I am no longer married to him, and that I have an awesome husband that is fine with the level of friendship I maintain with my XH and how good it is for our kids.
> ...


Out of curiosity.

Once the children are of age, do you think this will change?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I know I couldn't do this, yup too proud and stubborn, to share my emotions with others in this fashion. Am I inflexible " straight up" wouldn't put myself out there as such.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> Out of curiosity.
> 
> Once the children are of age, do you think this will change?


I wonder this myself. Always have. Great question. 

It makes sense that it will taper off a lot once they are both out of the house, as the need to see each other will disappear. We have some strong family traditions that will be kept, and we go to certain movies and concerts all together. We live fairly close too.

Due to his emotional issues, I will continue to “check” on him (via text) to see how he is feeling I would imagine. He says I’m the only one who ever does. 

Then if and when (I hope!) grandkids appear, not sure what that will hold. 

Since my husbands father and step dad became actual best friends, my H literally has no issue with my XH doing some stuff with us. He even suggests including him sometimes. 

Since they don’t share many similar interests (like my 2 father-in-laws did) I don’t foresee my H and XH’s relationship blossoming much past where it is now. They like each other and get along well but that’s probably as far as it will go. Especially since my XH does nothing social other than with us, it’s just part of his illness. Not very conducive for growing friendships. Plus he is very negative and my hubby is extremely happy and positive. 

So my guess would be that it will taper way down, seeing him a few times a year, some texting etc. I think the less contact and the more years that go by, we will probably grow apart more and more. Which is kinda sad, but is the natural progression of this I suppose.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Your ex may already regret her decision, but her pride will never let her admit to it to you or anyone. Pride is the worst of all sins I think, because it eliminates any hope and expectation of self-examination and illumination. Your ex will never take the opportunity to dig deep and learn about why she made the foolish decisions she did, and so she will keep making those same foolish decisions till the end of her life. It's a damn tragedy.


Agreed she is incapable of a healthy relationship but as the saying goes no longer my circus or monkeys. I got off the crazy train :grin2:


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Mr Sad said:


> Once again i know your right but when you've been married to someone for 30 years and you thought that person was your best friend and soulmate it's hard to let go even when you know that you must.


I understand what you are feeling.
My ex husband cheated on my and left me after 34 years.
Yes, the pain is awful.
Yes, you will have days where you feel as if your life is over.
I have been divorced 3 years and the pain is nearly gone.
Trust me, it will get better but it’s not like magic.
It will take time.


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