# my thoughts are killing me...



## 143search (Nov 1, 2014)

my husband and i has been together for 6 years now. the 6 years of our marriage is not that kinda sweet. in fact my memory of it is more of a roller coaster ride. but, all those years i knew he loved me and our kids, for he spend most of his times with us. 
just recently i had these bizarre thoughts about my husband cheating on me. i even came to a point that i said to him up front that "womans' instinct needs no evidence". 
i always respected his privacy, that i dont even scan through the messages of his cellphones and we're not even friends in FB, i trusted him all those years. just recently, i have observed that something is really wrong with his long time talks over the Cell Phone in which i dont even hear their conversations, if i'm inside the house, he always goes out. his voice is way to discreet when im near him, he has a lot of time texting, and by chance he would always find a way for me not to notice. but still i did not bother, for i was thinking that it was his clients. til one day, he left his facebook account opened, and i scanned through his messages, coz' i really thought at that moment that i must, to find out that he was having this private conservations with a woman, who i have not heared off off,:scratchhead: and they even got a picture together. i asked him if he's seeing another woman, but he denies it all, i waited for him to tell me but to no avail.
now these thoughts of insecurity has crampled my personality, i wanted to bring back the trust in him, but i couldnt and i dont know how. he explained that she's just a friend but still, though i tried to believe him, i still cant trust him.
i might have just overreacted, but, i always had this feelin of uncertainty.. just wanna ask, how will i know that my husband is cheating on me?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

143search

I am not a person to really seek advice from but there are red flags you need to pay attention to in your post. I have only had one phone conversation in 19 years of marriage that I left the room for so my WW could not hear. So going outside to talk on the phone would be a red flag. Facebook, you should be friends with your spouse in my opinion. So to me that is a red flag. Texts, not a red flag if he allows you to see them. Red flag if you don't see them and/or he deletes them. How many texts? What would he say to you meeting her? Would he accept this if the roles were reversed? Can you get his phone and text her as him? I will say to trust your gut. You will get good advice from posters here. Good luck to you, and sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

143search said:


> how will i know that my husband is cheating on me?





143search said:


> 1 - i have observed that something is really wrong with his long time talks over the Cell Phone in which i dont even hear their conversations,
> 
> 2 - if i'm inside the house, he always goes out. his voice is way to discreet when im near him,
> 
> ...


I see the problem. You answered your question BEFORE you asked it. That top quote was actually the LAST thing you wrote. See the problem? If you asked the question first, you would have better seen that you were already answering your own question. See how easy that was?

Just read what you wrote. Problem solved. Yes, he is cheating. Number 4 was really all you needed. That's not even an opinion. Number 4 is the DEFINITION of cheating. So yes, he is. Period. It's not even a question. That's like wolfing down your 8th Big Mac of the day and asking "do you think I should eat a little better?"


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

143,

You did what most of BS do when we first suspect an affair.

the *SOFT CONFRONT*...

The soft confront (no damning evidence) is almost always met with...

We are just friends,
We were just joking around,
She is not my type,
We work together and I have to talk to her,
You have nothing to worry about, I only love you.

Ok, you tipped your hand. It's time to back off. Not saying put blinders on, hardly, exactly the opposite. Go underground, put on appearence of "everything is just fine".


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

143search said:


> my husband and i has been together for 6 years now. the 6 years of our marriage is not that kinda sweet. in fact my memory of it is more of a roller coaster ride. but, all those years i knew he loved me and our kids, for he spend most of his times with us.
> just recently i had these bizarre thoughts about my husband cheating on me. i even came to a point that i said to him up front that "womans' instinct needs no evidence".
> i always respected his privacy, that i dont even scan through the messages of his cellphones and we're not even friends in FB, i trusted him all those years. just recently, i have observed that something is really wrong with his long time talks over the Cell Phone in which i dont even hear their conversations, if i'm inside the house, he always goes out. his voice is way to discreet when im near him, he has a lot of time texting, and by chance he would always find a way for me not to notice. but still i did not bother, for i was thinking that it was his clients. til one day, he left his facebook account opened, and i scanned through his messages, coz' i really thought at that moment that i must, to find out that he was having this private conservations with a woman, who i have not heared off off,:scratchhead: and they even got a picture together. i asked him if he's seeing another woman, but he denies it all, i waited for him to tell me but to no avail.
> now these thoughts of insecurity has crampled my personality, i wanted to bring back the trust in him, but i couldnt and i dont know how. he explained that she's just a friend but still, though i tried to believe him, i still cant trust him.
> i might have just overreacted, but, i always had this feelin of uncertainty.. just wanna ask, how will i know that my husband is cheating on me?


Dear 143search,

You have not overreacted.

The best advice anyone can give you right now is to stop talking to him about this and start observing what he does very closely. The point is that, until you know what you are really dealing with, you can't formulate an appropriate and effective plan to deal with it.

Here's a link to a thread that explains how one can go about gathering evidence:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

and here's the link to a thread that provides general advice:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...es-coping-infidelity-section-please-read.html

Read these and then keep posting with questions and concerns.

You will get lots of good advice and some not so good. You job is to distinguish between the two and then put the good advice into practice.

Good luck.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes, I agree, he's cheating. The question is, what will you do about it?


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Yes, i agree with Remains post. He is cheating. You need to confront him. There is no reason why he should be PM another women and having photos together on Facebook other then them having a relationship. As you are not friends with him on FB, she may not even know about you and is thinking he is single. You need to put a stop to it now before it get physical (unless it already has especially if they have photos together).


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I agree with Remains, Meli, et al. He is cheating. You need to lay low and collect evidence, and read up on the 180. Stick around, keep posting. The people here can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Meli33 said:


> Yes, i agree with Remains post. He is cheating. *You need to confront him.* There is no reason why he should be PM another women and having photos together on Facebook other then them having a relationship. As you are not friends with him on FB, she may not even know about you and is thinking he is single. You need to put a stop to it now before it get physical (unless it already has especially if they have photos together).


The OP already confronted her WH but learned nothing from him. It would be premature for her to confront him again. What she needs to do now is collect additional evidence to see what she is up against.


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