# Wife cheated, asked for me back, and isn't in love with me anymore.



## rangerdanger (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello everyone, 

Well, here goes... My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We're young (I'm 25, she's 24.) We've been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. Things in the first 4 years were fantastic... She adored me, and I adored her (Love, the real stuff). Then she started going to school, working out, and gaining a lot more confidence in herself. I have always been in great shape and I'm a student as well. 

I began smoking pot in the last year we were together and I knew that was a big thing to her. I smoked pot and lost track of what was important in my life and just focused mainly on my schoolwork, my job, and my marijuana smoking. I wouldn't even want to hang out with her and my son (I'm really ashamed and very embarrassed having to admit that). We both have a history of substance abuse as my wife is an alcoholic (very similar to her mother). She goes out and drinks to excess when she's stressed to a point of passing out.

Well, in early April of this year I found out that she had cheated on me on one of those drunken stressed out nights.... I was devastated, but I should have seen it coming. So, I moved out of the house and stayed with my mom. She got a boyfriend (not the guy she cheated with) and basically caught feelings for him in the 3 months they were together. I went out and drank my sorrows away (very uncharacteristic because I almost NEVER drink) and I was intimate with about 7 different women (I went crazy). The difference in the seperation was that she was willing to move on with another person, and I was trying to fill a void I lost with her... Sad, I know. 

Well long story short she asked for me back about 4 months into the seperation, and I said no at that point. Then, I went to her house a couple nights later and we got to talking and ended up sleeping with each other... We decided that night that we were going to try to let each other go and go our separate ways. Well, that lasted about 2 days before she called me back and said she wanted to be with me, again... This time, I said yes as long as we went to counseling. This was about 3 weeks ago. 

So, we got back together and things were great for about a week until one day when she approached me and told me that she's not "in love" with me anymore and she doesn't feel a spark with me. We had counseling last night and after the counseling was over she told me that she wishes we hadn't been with other people because she still has feelings for the guy she was with when we were separated... I've been trying to do sweet things for her (like buy roses, and send sweet text messages). She says that she thinks it's just too late.

Although, I had my fun in those 4 months, I love my wife and I wish I could make it work with her. Now, we're seriously talking about going our separate ways again. She says she's too young to do this right now, and although she loves me she just has too much on her plate (We are full time students, full time workers, full time parents, and full time married). She just sent me a text message 5 minutes ago saying "maybe she should move out".

I don't know what I should do in this situation. Should I try to reconcile? Should I move back with my mother? I love her and I'm in love with her... I just wish I knew how to get her to have the feelings back.

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What happened is that your wife broke contact with the OM (other man) and the affair re-ignited. The best thing is to let her go and deal only with issues relating to your 3 year old son. In the meantime continue going to IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your issues so that you can become an emotionally healthy man and a role model for your son.

I'd suggest that you read the first post in the thread titled Just Let Them Go


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Morituri is likely right. You both need to make a firm decision on what you want and commit to it. Get together and try to work it our or separate but pick one and commit. Neither of you is doing the other a favor in being on again/off again and running around with other people in the back ground. You both hurt each other badly and it will take a lot of hard work for you to reconcile with each other. If she's not mature enough to commit to the hard work and slog through it then there's not a lot you can do. I do think Mori's right and I think you need to read that link he provided, but be prepared it sounds like she might walk. But, if that's what she really wants to do, you can't stop her.


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## rangerdanger (Aug 11, 2011)

Mori, that was an excellent link... 

She texted me and told me: 
"she's not feeling it," 

after reading that link I texted her back: 
"then neither am I." 

She responded with:
"then what should we do?" 

My reply to that was:
"I'm going to walk away and wish you nothing but happiness."

She responded with: 
"What made you decide this?"


Funny how the conversation changes when I try to take my feelings out of the equation.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> Funny how the conversation changes when I try to take my feelings out of the equation.


Yes. Amazing, isn't it?

By removing yourself as option #2 man- to which she can return whenever she pleases - she is forced to depend on the OM 100% for all her needs.

You may also want to read  Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yes. Amazing, isn't it?
> 
> By removing yourself as option #2 man- to which she can return whenever she pleases - she is forced to depend on the OM 100% for all her needs.


YEP. THIS!!!! It works to your advantage when you let her go.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The first thing you need to focus on is self-improvement. Stop drinking and doing drugs. Focus on your future and how to best provide for your son. A self-reliant man in control of himself and his environment is much more attractive than a pothead who lives with his mom and sends flowers to his wife while she's on dates with other men. Even to the wife. She will notice.

Read the 180 and stop sending texts and gifts. By texting you these noncommittal hooks, she's trying to get a reaction from you. The worst thing you can do is what you've been doing. Feel sorry for yourself, beg for her back, etc. When she texts you that "maybe she should move out", ignore it. If she texts you that you child needs something, respond. If she texts you saying she wants to meet, respond. If she texts something that she wants you to argue with or is intended to spark an emotional reaction from you, let it lie.

Good luck.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

rangerdanger said:


> My reply to that was:
> "I'm going to walk away and wish you nothing but happiness."
> 
> She responded with:
> ...


Keep that attitude, also stop responding in a timely manner or don't respond at all if it isn't something important. She needs to understand she is no longer a priority in your life anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ewww! 

I assume you both have been checked for STDs?

And I assume you've decided to become a good father and give up the pot? (And how does she go out all night and get blitzed when there's a 3 year old at home?)

Then sit down and decide what a relationship looks like to you (i.e., no other men, etc.) - give it to her and tell her when she's ready to commit to that, let you know. Until then, you will proceed with a legal separation. And you will not respond to anything but child-related matters.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yes. Amazing, isn't it?
> 
> By removing yourself as option #2 man- to which she can return whenever she pleases - she is forced to depend on the OM 100% for all her needs.
> 
> You may also want to read  Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list


:iagree:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Keep in mind that for many women, conversation is one of their top emotional needs. If this is the case with your wife, then you are inadvertently fulfilling it. Stop it and restrict any conversation between the two of you to maters relating ONLY to you son. Let the OM listen to all of her whining.


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## rangerdanger (Aug 11, 2011)

The hardest thing to do is imagine her being intimate with someone else.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the hardest thing is picturing someone as damaged and crazy as she is for wanting to be with her.


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## rangerdanger (Aug 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> the hardest thing is picturing someone as damaged and crazy as she is for wanting to be with her.


You're right about that!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rangerdanger said:


> The hardest thing to do is imagine her being intimate with someone else.


Er, I was referring to YOU!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Yes. Amazing, isn't it?
> 
> By removing yourself as option #2 man- to which she can return whenever she pleases - she is forced to depend on the OM 100% for all her needs.
> 
> You may also want to read  Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list


I agree....I am taking myself out of the running as an option as well. I am worth more than being runner up. I am still young(only 34), vibrant and ready to commit to the right person. By staying available to be there when he wants to commit, I am wasting time not being truly me and happy. I do have children and I worried that I would not be able to find love because the idea of a "step" family scared me. My children are older (10-13) and they are self sufficient, intelligent young men and it is my job to show them that a man should not be allowed to treat his wife this way.
(my husband is in the Army and thinks he can have a double life, he went to Iraq and cheated--I found out, he asked to come back but won't stop communicating with the OW) 
Don't let her keep you as her back up plan. I am certainly not a back up plan and never intend to be.


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