# Romance and life's other priorities



## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

I started this thread previously but I done a poor job of framing my question, so I'll try again.

I'd like a woman's perspective on this......

My wife had a dysfunctional upbringing, where her parents didn't get along at all. Consequently, she understands what a healthy, happy marriage looks like on an intellectual level (i.e. love, respect, companionship, security etc.), but she has little emotional understanding of how to cultivate a strong romantic relationship.

She commented during a recent conversation, that if she were to list all of her priorities in life, a relationship with a man wouldn't be high on her list. She has little emotional desire for love, romance, or intimate connection. I provide her with warmth, security, love (in the non-romantic sense), and companionship, and therefore she's perfectly content with life as it is. But I need romantic love, and intimacy, and a little passion and desire.

Is there anything I can do to help my wife:
a) recognize that romance and passion is an important part of a healthy, happy, loving, exciting, sustainable marriage, and
b) help her to put this higher on her list of priorities?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Not sure I can help you... I do not at ALL understand your wife..I am the opposite and feel as you when you said >> " But I need romantic love, and intimacy, and a little passion and desire."...I'd be grouchy without THESE things, it wouldn't be good!

How long together / married... did she always give this vibe...you striving for more, to get closer? Could be a part of her temperament make up too, besides what she has grown up with. .... More of a THINKER over a FEELER ..

Has she had many broken relationships with men to the point she has closed herself off to the emotional, being vulnerable -which leads to a closer connection in intimacy ??


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not sure I can help you... I do not at ALL understand your wife..I am the opposite and feel as you when you said >> " But I need romantic love, and intimacy, and a little passion and desire."...I'd be grouchy without THESE things, it wouldn't be good!
> 
> How long together / married... did she always give this vibe...you striving for more, to get closer? Could be a part of her temperament make up too, besides what she has grown up with. .... More of a THINKER over a FEELER ..
> 
> Has she had many broken relationships with men to the point she has closed herself off to the emotional, being vulnerable -which leads to a closer connection in intimacy ??


Together almost 20 years, married for 13. I would actually describe her as far more of a feeler than a thinker.

She describes her past relationships with men as generally dysfunctional, but then few people speak highly of their ex's.

Vulnerability is something that has always been difficult for her.

Given all of that, the only way I can see us achieving the marriage that we both want, is for her to become more comfortable putting herself in vulnerable positions in the pursuit of romance. This is not something she can easily do on her own, any more than I can meet my own emotional and physical needs without her, and so I recognize that I need to help her. I'm just not sure how to approach it, or whether I'm likely to succeed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hubbydude said:


> Together almost 20 years, married for 13. I would actually describe her as far more of a feeler than a thinker.
> 
> She describes her past relationships with men as generally dysfunctional, but then few people speak highly of their ex's.
> 
> *Vulnerability is something that has always been difficult for her.*


 You say "ALWAYS' so really for the past 20 yrs, you have had this struggle.. is this coming to a head in mid life or something...that's an awful lot of years to be feeling this way...or anticipating more... 



> *hubbydude said*:
> *Given all of that, the only way I can see us achieving the marriage that we both want, is for her to become more comfortable putting herself in vulnerable positions in the pursuit of romance. This is not something she can easily do on her own, any more than I can meet my own emotional and physical needs without her, and so I recognize that I need to help her. I'm just not sure how to approach it, or whether I'm likely to succeed*.


 You say "the marriage we BOTH want".. so she is on board too.. she wants to go there with you.. you have a willing partner?...

Vulnerability is a deep subject and from what I have learned on this forum - difficult for many, even after yrs of marriage ...

Please take a moment.. click on the link in the 1st line of this thread.. it's a 20 minute video by author Brene Brown..

*>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

It's true, Romance is born out of these things, it's the deepest of connection with another...I found this in an article... 



> 2) Healthy relationships (especially romantic ones) require vulnerability. To really dig into this, we need to first look at vulnerability in real life. It’s usually cast in a negative light, used in the context that if we don’t avoid it, bad things will happen. If we don’t lock our doors, we’re vulnerable to thieves. If we don’t protect our personal information, people may steal it. Negative experiences teach us to be wary of appearing vulnerable, so we take care in who we trust and what we share. We dress a certain way, act a certain way, hide our hurts and pretend we are strong.
> 
> But there is another side of vulnerability: acceptance. When a person accepts themselves, faults and all, they are able to show their true self to others rather than hide it. This openness, this sharing of one’s innermost feelings and beliefs, is the foundation of all meaningful relationships. Being genuine and honest allows a person to connect with another on a deep level. In romances, characters who are willing to be vulnerable put their true feelings out there, opening the gateway to love and intimacy. Without vulnerability, a romantic relationship reads false.


Here is another.. 

*>>* The Value Of Vulnerability | Romance Recovery

So how is the communication between the 2 of you ? Does she know how strongly you feel.. you mentioned the physical...is this also lacking in your marriage? 

Do you ever get out.. just you & her, no cell phones / distractions.. take a long way, a romantic vacation?

Are their unresolved resentments between the 2 of you.. that needs uprooted.. How does she most feel loved .... are you aware of "the Love languages" ? Do you meet these emotional needs .. for starters?

 Love Languages Personal Profile


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

hubbydude said:


> I started this thread previously but I done a poor job of framing my question, so I'll try again.
> 
> I'd like a woman's perspective on this......
> 
> ...



My friend, I wish you a ton of luck and recommend some intense counselling. My ex-wife was similar. She came from a broken foster home and her blood mother was a junkie/*****. Her ideas of love and family were completely distorted. Whenever things got really intense (either in love or war) she would totally resign and throw childlike fits (borderline narcissist). She taught me romance and many great things, but at the end of the day, it took me a long time to realize that our intimacy issues were because of her, not me. She was always looking out for her self because noone else did when she was young. So we would get into arguments often, about things I thought were silly and I'd get in trouble for it. They truly were silly things but she failed to realize that I am her husband, not the mother she'll never have. 
Just like her, I am sure your partner has developed some coping mechanisms. My advice is to try and understand them, sympathize, and learn not to try and fix her, or you will get in trouble. Be patient and supportive. Don't judge her. If you have needs and she is not meeting them, communicate, be clear, and don't hide or downsize your feelings. 

Romance and passion are more then just a part of marriage. That pretty much is marriage, minus the piece of paper. 

I did my best to support my ex-wife, but the reality is she had an unreal expectation of me to be able to understand what she went through, when the reality is I will never truly know. She also hid her past from me until the very end. People like that are somewhat dumb in my opinion. Why get married if you don't fully trust someone to tell them everything?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

hubbydude said:


> I started this thread previously but I done a poor job of framing my question, so I'll try again.
> 
> I'd like a woman's perspective on this......
> 
> ...


Ya know, I will be you that if you were to leave she would miss those things you bring to the marriage more than she lets on. We all take those things for granted. 

So do you help her recognize it all?

Don't try to. 

Just be there and be the best you can for her and let her enjoy it- albeit ignorantly. That should suffice.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

hubbydude said:


> I started this thread previously but I done a poor job of framing my question, so I'll try again.
> 
> I'd like a woman's perspective on this......
> 
> ...


Have you given her some examples of some romantic and passionate things she could do to meet your needs? I think terms like that can be a little broad for people who haven't experianced it growing up. 

I know I spent a long time saying "I need romance" before I realized he didn't even know what that meant in practical terms. 

I don't know if you can ever make these things come naturally for her or make it as important to her as you want it to be (I had no luck myself) but she can and should still put in an effort because you need it. 

Maybe give her a list of some examples of things that would be romantic and passionate that she could do. Some simple little things at first. Maybe get a fun, slightly sexy adult game to play in the livingroom when the kids are in bed. Might make it more fun rather than a job you are asking her to do.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You say "ALWAYS' so really for the past 20 yrs, you have had this struggle.. is this coming to a head in mid life or something...that's an awful lot of years to be feeling this way...or anticipating more...


On reflection (of which I've been doing a lot lately), yes, this has always been the case. We were fairly young when we met so we were both a little vulnerable and unassured. But being young and lovestruck we just innocently made our way through it, somewhat ignorant of our vulnerabilities and insecurities.

I guess it's coming to a head now because I've reached a point in my own growth and maturity where I recognize that the romantic aspect of our relationship is not in a healthy state, and hasn't been for some time. I have a habit of taking ownership of all of the problems in our life (money, stress, any crisis etc.) and I'm recognizing that I've also been carrying our relationship for years. But real romance is mutual and requires two people, it's not something that one person can bring to the relationship on their own. And now that I understand that, I'm recognizing the complete absence of romance on my wife's part, and my inability to do anything about it (I've tried).



SimplyAmorous said:


> You say "the marriage we BOTH want".. so she is on board too.. she wants to go there with you.. you have a willing partner?...


We both want a marriage where we are meeting eachothers needs, where there is closeness, connection, love and support. But to be hoenst, I think her preference would be for me to have no needs for romance or intimacy (physical and emotional). So, in that sense, no, I guess I don't have a willing partner.....there's a thought.

Thanks for the links, I'll check them out.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So how is the communication between the 2 of you ? Does she know how strongly you feel.. you mentioned the physical...is this also lacking in your marriage?
> 
> Do you ever get out.. just you & her, no cell phones / distractions.. take a long way, a romantic vacation?
> 
> Are their unresolved resentments between the 2 of you.. that needs uprooted.


Yes, the physical is lacking. And yes, she knows how strongly I feel. She recognizes that she has neglected the physical and romantic side of our relationship for years, that she has ignored and rejected me to the point where it is crushing my self-confidence and sense of self-worth, and that it is threatening our marriage.

I also recognize the mistakes I've made. I've allowed it to come to this just as much as she has. For years, she would make comments like, "I wouldn't blame you if you had an affair", or "most men would have left or cheated by now". But she done nothing, as if she preferred a marriage that had a real risk of infidelity over one that required regular intimacy. Thinking about it now, it's hard not to take that kind of rejection personally. I should have done so at the time but I didn't. I just went along with it, taking ownership of this problem just as I did every other problem in life, and simply re-doubled my efforts to win her over.

On some level, I think I trained her to reject me by reacting positively to her rejections. I can understand therefore, that from her perspective everything was fine and now all of a sudden I'm demanding something new that I was never demanding before.

But this is my dilema. I've allowed her, even encouraged her through my actions, to put romance further down her list of priorities. But now that the years of neglect and rejection are taking their toll on me, I can no longer carry the can on this aspect of our relationship, and I need her to put romance and intimacy higher up on her agenda where it ought to have been all along. This is what I'm struggling with, how do I do it? As a woman, if this was your marriage, what could your husband to make things better?


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