# I'm a horrible wife



## cs187670 (Dec 14, 2012)

We got married when I was 19. At that point it was "all we need is each other and we'll be fine!" We bought a house, had decent jobs for two people without a college education and 2 years later prepared to start our family. After 3 years of trying we discovered that we would not be able to conceive on our own. This brought on a huge amount of stress to both of us. We both felt as though we were not "human" enough. We were broke. We could not even accomplish the simple task that seems to come so easily for every other animal on the planet. This was a very depressing time for both of us. My husband decided that if it doesn't happen then so be it. I wasn't as willing to give up on my DREAM, so I dug in with both heals and drug us through 2 rounds of IVF. We were blessed with twins.

During the IVF adventure I became interested in the medical workings of all of it. I was studying things that were actually interesting to me, so I decided to go to nursing school. My husband was NOT supportive of the idea. He thought we were doing fine and that it would be too hard for us to make it happen. He did not want me to spend the time away from the kids and him. His father had went to college while he was a kid and didn't spend ANY time with him. I assured him that I was not his father and that's the last thing I would do. Nursing would bring in more money and stability for the family and I just couldn't understand why he didn't want that for us. Once again, I drug us through 2 years of nursing school so that I could accomplish my DREAM.

While in nursing school, I fell in love with some of the hospitals and areas that I was doing my clinicals at. They were an hour away in a new area that had a lot of young families in it. I had always wanted to leave the small town we were from and the thought of being in an area with so many people our own age seemed exciting to me. The area that we are in now does not offer a lot for us. Once again, my H was not supportive of the idea. He throws it in my face that I would never leave my mom and I need to stop fantasizing because we can not afford that area. 

I get angry because in fact NO, we can't afford that area because he is still making the same $$ per hour that he made on the day we got married 13 years ago. I have put myself through HELL working a full time job, raising 3 children, and going to school full time to finish my bachelors so that we could move forward. I want my children to have better than I did. I don't want them to have to worry about where dinner was going to come from. I don't want them to have to sit in the classroom while the rest of the class goes on a field trip that their parents can't afford. 

I'm a goal oriented person and I realize that a lot of people aren't. If he were HONESTLY happy doing what he does, and he felt fulfilled and at peace with it, then I wouldn't CARE what he did. But he doesn't. He is constantly complaining about how boring it is and how he can't stand his boss. I encourage him to try something new and he always throws it in my face that he can't because I'm doing this, or that. It seems to me that he is using me as an excuse for why he can't get out of the rut he's in. 

He is always snidely telling me "Sorry I'm holding you back." I'm tired of this comment and want to scream you're holding US back. I never wanted to be the breadwinner in the family, but I also knew that I didn't want to be stuck and helpless if I became single with children. 

I'm a horrible wife because I put my DREAMS ahead of my husband. I've never wanted them to be MY DREAMS, I kinda always wanted them to be our dreams, but I guess we don't want the same things out of life. I feel terribly guilty for wanting anything these days. I'm having a hard time lowering my expectations. I've always been a day dreamer, so I guess I need to stop that and just be happy with what I have right now at this very moment because I will never have anything more than this. (Children aside, I love them so much and I could not be more happy with them. They are amazing!) I hope this doesn't come across as bratty or materialistic. It's not about the stuff. I'm just not a stagnant person and I feel like in order for me to be happy in my marriage, I'm going to have to become one.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't see this as being horrible. Most of us have dreams and goals. I know I do and I would never be able to accomplish them without my husband's support. He fully supports my dreams emotionally and financially even if they change.

What is life without goals? Even though I'm physically disabled doesn't mean I don't have dreams, I do and I am working towards them. I'd be awfully depressed if I wasn't able to follow my hearts desire. I support my husband as much as I possibly can as well. Being married should not limit our lives. Having dreams and goals are very important I believe. 

I'm truly sorry you had an unsupportive husband. Good for you for following your dreams and getting them to reality! You should be very proud for what you have accomplished!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I agree with the poster above, you don't sound like a horrible wife at all. I think it's amazing that you became a nurse after you had kids, what an incredible accomplishment.

A spouse who doesn't support your dreams has a way of dragging on your spirit that's hard to express. I write, and my husband has never been very supportive of it. It's hard to push ahead and take a risk like school or writing if you feel like the person who's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader is acting like your dream isn't worth pursuing. But, if I knew what to do to fix that, I wouldn't be here!  I will be checking back to see if you get some more advice though.


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## Colors (Dec 15, 2012)

And I thought I was the only one with an unsupportive husband...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are so many stories here of couples who get married young. Then they grow up and this is what happen. It's so sad to see.

It's very sad that your husband takes the attitude he does. I don't know if you can be the catalist of getting him to change

Does he have any dreams beyond life being exactly what it is today? Is there anything else he's like to do with his life?


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi, I read your post because the title sounded like something I would also write. I have also said this, thinking I must be doing something wrong..even when my husband throws a fit just because I join a gym. You are certainly not a horrible mother because you are pursuing your dreams. This makes you a good mother because it will also make you a happier mother. And, more financially secure, which you need to be with children in case your marriage doesn't work out. I am 45, been married to a very, abusive, controlling man for 15 years. I thank god every day I never left my job, because without it I wouldn't be able to leave this mess. He constantly told me I was selfish and didn't care about my two children..but he is the one with the issues. It comes down to this..if you say that what are you are doing makes you happy..then he should support you, no matter what!
Good luck, follow you dreams, YOLO..(got that from my teens..you only live once..)


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