# Self-improvement.....post affair



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Whether you have reconciled, divorced, or are undecided, how have you improved yourself since the affair? This post is open to ALL. Whether you agree with me or not. This is YOUR thread to relate your stories of personal growth.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Divorced after 30 year marriage one year ago, when I discovered her affair. Have started working out, mostly swimming. Lost 65 pounds. Have done three 5k open water swims. Gave up tv except for the occassional Cubs game. Literally do not turn it on. Started going to church, never miss. Started having sex almost daily, as now have someone who is as interested in it as I am...


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

In my case, I have become much more aware and interested in all forms of intimate communication, and am more receptive of different POV's.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Divorced after 30 year marriage one year ago, when I discovered her affair. Have started working out, mostly swimming. Lost 65 pounds. Have done three 5k open water swims. Gave up tv except for the occassional Cubs game. Literally do not turn it on. Started going to church, never miss. Started having sex almost daily, as now have someone who is as interested in it as I am...


It sounds like you are in a much better situation than before. Is your new partner supportive? Mine is.:smthumbup:


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

In R since January.

I didn't change. At least not consciously or in a self-motivated effort. I like me for who am are


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> In R since January.
> 
> I didn't change. At least not consciously or in a self-motivated effort. I like me for who am are


Surely you must have learned something, right? So what is different about your situation/


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Great thread..I love hearing people's self improvement stories..very highly motivating!

I think working on yourself after being a BS is even more important than working on the marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Made more of an effort to spend more quality time with her...even though it seemed like we were together alot before already. But her primary love language is quality time, with a secondary of words of assurance. She was ALREADY getting plenty of that from me before the A. I guess she needed the outside validation from OM.

I was always letting her know I loved her, telling her how pretty and sexy she is, trying to call her at work to say hi. *Always* she would cut me after a few seconds saying she had to go. But all it took was for OM to tell her the same things and she gave him her heart and spent all kinds of time talking to him while she was at work, calling him as much as 9 times a day at work when she couldn't even spare the time to talk to me when I called her. So no, I don't have to improve myself in this department.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Made more of an effort to spend more quality time with her...even though it seemed like we were together alot before already. But her primary love language is quality time, with a secondary of words of assurance. She was ALREADY getting plenty of that from me before the A. I guess she needed the outside validation from OM.
> 
> I was always letting her know I loved her, telling her how pretty and sexy she is, trying to call her at work to say hi. *Always* she would cut me after a few seconds saying she had to go. But all it took was for OM to tell her the same things and she gave him her heart and spent all kinds of time talking to him while she was at work, calling him as much as 9 times a day at work when she couldn't even spare the time to talk to me when I called her. So no, I don't have to improve myself in this department.


But you HAVE improved yourself in other departments, right? As I said, this isn't STRICTLY about the marriage, but more about the personal growth of the people who have endured an EMA.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

highwood said:


> Great thread..I love hearing people's self improvement stories..very highly motivating!
> 
> I think working on yourself after being a BS is even more important than working on the marriage.


Me too.....positivity!!! 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> Great thread..I love hearing people's self improvement stories..very highly motivating!
> 
> I think working on yourself after being a BS is even more important than working on the marriage.


 I think that self-improvement is the single most important factor in BOTH reconciliation OR divorce. If there is anything good that can come out of an affair, it must be to learn how to avoid another one.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> But you HAVE improved yourself in other departments, right? As I said, this isn't STRICTLY about the marriage, but more about the personal growth of the people who have endured an EMA.


I think you've stumped me there counselor.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Bullsh*t, LMH. You've never been "stumped", since I've been here. lol One thing you have done , is you've helped a lot of folks here on TAM. I know that you helped me, so tha's something , right? It proves you are a better communicator.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Just like lordmayhem, I was always sending emails, text messages, calling, saying all the right things, send flowers by surprise. All it took was a tweety bird to whisper in her ear and every changed. 

After 18 years, I had my dday 1 year ago. Had a tough month or two afterwards was ready to D if W didn't do what I needed for R. So far R is going great. I don't think I have to change in that department either. My improvement is being much more alert that ever before.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Awareness is a good thing.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I decided to run the Chicago Marathon coming up in October. It was something my W had already done. I never allowed myself the luxury of taking that much time out for myself - because training for a marathon means long weekend runs away from the family, etc.

I said, f*ck it - I'm doing it this time, I'm going to feel good about myself, and get in better shape at the same time.

I've ALWAYS been the one to stay home - I am home more than 90% of dads in the world. That got me absolutely nowhere with my W (although my kids appreciate it, I think). So I decided it was time for some Gabriel time. And man, do you work through some things in your head when you are running for 2-3 hours.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Let's see I started lifting again just got up 275 3x on my last set of bench and 315 for 6x on my last set of squats. Once I got over beating myself up over losing so much strenght I started to really recapture the dormant Alpha in me. Running, (still don't enjoy this part). I made my wife start getting over her OCD. Worked out a plan that incorporates the kids doing chores, helping out, and her backing off. My wife was so bad I literally had to put her over my shoulder and carry her out of the kitchen, sit her down on the couch, put the TV remote in her hand. Then stand in front of the kitchen door while she paniced about an 11 year old putting up dishes. I mean she literally tried to bullrush me,wedge herself between me and the door, and threw a few punches. (she didn't like it when I just laughed it off and told her if she hits me again I am going to lock her out of the house.) (I never hit her I just didn't move.). After a few sessions of this "therapy" this she finally backed down. So I ahlpha'd up and she is backing off and letting go of her control issues and now we are back on track..
It took about a month for my wife to detox from the OM. However, now she's jumped back in and things are good.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> I decided to run the Chicago Marathon coming up in October. It was something my W had already done. I never allowed myself the luxury of taking that much time out for myself - because training for a marathon means long weekend runs away from the family, etc.
> 
> I said, f*ck it - I'm doing it this time, I'm going to feel good about myself, and get in better shape at the same time.
> 
> I've ALWAYS been the one to stay home - I am home more than 90% of dads in the world. That got me absolutely nowhere with my W (although my kids appreciate it, I think). So I decided it was time for some Gabriel time. And man, do you work through some things in your head when you are running for 2-3 hours.


I did it about 6 years ago, and was WASTED by the time I finished. My spotter missed me in Chinatown, so I had to borrow water from another runner and only got a couple of sips. But it was sooo worthwhile.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

3leafclover said:


> I've never told the story here, but I was the WW in an 8-month long distance EA with two D-days. It was 4-5 years ago. That's how I first found TAM...my SO's browser history for CWI.
> 
> It's been a long road for me. I didn't even see what I did as infidelity for the longest time. I have no idea how my partner lived with a rug-sweeper for so long.
> 
> ...


Good for you! Awareness is at least half the battle.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

badbane said:


> Let's see I started lifting again just got up 275 3x on my last set of bench and 315 for 6x on my last set of squats. Once I got over beating myself up over losing so much strenght I started to really recapture the dormant Alpha in me. Running, (still don't enjoy this part). I made my wife start getting over her OCD. Worked out a plan that incorporates the kids doing chores, helping out, and her backing off. My wife was so bad I literally had to put her over my shoulder and carry her out of the kitchen, sit her down on the couch, put the TV remote in her hand. Then stand in front of the kitchen door while she paniced about an 11 year old putting up dishes. I mean she literally tried to bullrush me,wedge herself between me and the door, and threw a few punches. (she didn't like it when I just laughed it off and told her if she hits me again I am going to lock her out of the house.) (I never hit her I just didn't move.). After a few sessions of this "therapy" this she finally backed down. So I ahlpha'd up and she is backing off and letting go of her control issues and now we are back on track..
> It took about a month for my wife to detox from the OM. However, now she's jumped back in and things are good.


Unfortunately, I tore a rotator cuff playing softball, so my powerlifting days are over. I've never been around anyone with OCD, but it sounds like a beeotch.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I did it about 6 years ago, and was WASTED by the time I finished. My spotter missed me in Chinatown, so I had to borrow water from another runner and only got a couple of sips. But it was sooo worthwhile.


Dang - yeah, it's gonna be tough. Chinatown is close to the end. I'm hoping I can still jog a little by then and not be flat out walking.

But then I look at some of the people finishing these last couple of years and I'm like, "If THAT guy can do it...."


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

BTW, Gabe, My gf and I are thinking about re-locating, and Chi-town is one of the places we are looking at.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Badblood said:


> BTW, Gabe, My gf and I are thinking about re-locating, and Chi-town is one of the places we are looking at.


I love Chicago. The best part about it to me (besides the pure awesomeness of the city itself), is that the real estate here is way cheaper than say, DC, NYC, Cali, Boston, and you are getting so much for it in culture, amenities, etc.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I guess the winter weather kind of sucks, but I can put up with a lot of snow, if I can save some big bucks buying a house.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

I listen better, without trying to fix her issues. 
I don't nag her about her spending, which was never really that bad. 
I make sure we schedule quality time for ourselves. 
I tell her she is beautiful and attractive, which she is. 
I have stopped being whiny and clingy. 
I make it a point to be more positive and cheerful. 
I tell her what I am feeling/thinking/wondering.
I have backed off my 50miles/week running habit. Down to 30ish. 

Perhaps most importantly, I don't believe my wife and my marriage is worth saving at ALL costs. I now know I will survive and thrive without her, but I choose to stay with her because she makes me a better person and for our kids.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Unfortunately, I tore a rotator cuff playing softball, so my powerlifting days are over. I've never been around anyone with OCD, but it sounds like a beeotch.


Nah she always calms down later and apologizes. (I will say if we have sex later on after an incident I get and awesome bj. It's seems fair to me.)


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

It sounds like you are in a much better situation then before. Is your new partner supportive? Mine is.

My new gf is great! She is very positive, and always has a good time. My xw NEVER had fun, was the most negative person I know. She (my gf) is also a "get it out into the open" type of person, where my xw wrote the book on passive agressiveness.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Whether you have reconciled, divorced, or are undecided, how have you improved yourself since the affair? This post is open to ALL. Whether you agree with me or not. This is YOUR thread to relate your stories of personal growth.


Hi Badblood:

Thanks for the open thread.

I wouldn't say I have improved, but I have changed. 

I do things that I like more often, whereas when with my STBEH we usually did what he wanted to do. 

He would always ask what I wanted but somehow we always ended up doing what he wanted or he would sulk in a subtle way. So, it was easier to just give in.

I also wear more makeup and wear heels more often. 

My STBEH hated it, he claimed, when I wore too much makeup or even heels to a party, although I would wear them to parties anyway. That would always cause a little tiff because he would ask me to wear flat. 

Now, I wear them more often because I like the way they make my legs look and also because I realized to some degree he wanted me to look plain. 

Some men like plain women, but most women get more attention when they wear obvious makeup and heels.

I do it for me because both make me feel good, and I like to use my face as a canvas for different styles of makeup and I actually enjoy putting it on and seeing the result in the mirror.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Surely you must have learned something, right? So what is different about your situation/


Well, I sure as hell learned to say "no" to her. Made things so much easier.

As for personal development, nothing spectacular. Picked up machining as a new hobby (calvin would probably cringe at that!)


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> Well, I sure as hell learned to say "no" to her. Made things so much easier.
> 
> As for personal development, nothing spectacular. Picked up machining as a new hobby (calvin would probably cringe at that!)


You know, I've always admired machinists and 
smiths, or any other craftsmen, for that matter. To take a piece of bare metal or wood or clay and make something useful yet artisitic must be so satisfying.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Hi Badblood:
> 
> Thanks for the open thread.
> 
> ...


That is GREAT,Sara!! You get to bloom and fly. What could be better? I bet you look HOT!!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

We've been in R since '08. It's a daily thing. The pain has lesson, and I rarely think of that time and the OM | OW during my time alone.

After my EA and my husband's EA, I let myself go. I was a shamed of the way that I behaved during that people. At a point in the R, I knew that I needed to fix things for myself.

I started to work out. I prefer Zumba, for the sheer fun factor of this. I am not doing it for him. I find if I look better, I feel better.

Also, I have started to work on a series of novels that my husband and I had planned. I do the world building, the writing, and the character building. My goal is to have one-hundred thousands words done by this time next year and have the first few pages sent to agents.

I've downloaded a 3d program. I've always been artistic, and I nurtured this post-affair.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

The biggest self-improvement came, for me, when I began to question the reality of "love". I now no longer believe in the concept of human love. It is simply another human myth. For me, it now resides next to some other myths I no longer believe in; God, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Patriotism, LOVE and etc.

We are bathed in the fantasy of "love" from an early age. It is in our music, movies, TV shows, greeting cards, commercials, magazines & etc. It warps the reality of our lives. Many a person on this message board made costly mistakes because they were high on "love" like a drug.

As a test, remove "love" from your thoughts and words for just one month and see how things look different to you.

When ever I waiver I think of the serial killer Ted Bundy. Ted confessed to murdering 30 people. Just before he was to be executed he called his mother one final time. She told him she "loved" him. I bet Ted's mother "loved" ice cream too.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love....


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> The biggest self-improvement came, for me, when I began to question the reality of "love". I now no longer believe in the concept of human love. It is simply another human myth. For me, it now resides next to some other myths I no longer believe in; God, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Patriotism, LOVE and etc.
> 
> We are bathed in the fantasy of "love" from an early age. It is in our music, movies, TV shows, greeting cards, commercials, magazines & etc. It warps the reality of our lives. Many a person on this message board made costly mistakes because they were high on "love" like a drug.
> 
> ...


I totally relate to what you are saying and being a Betrayed spouse, I understand where you are coming from.

I felt the same for a very short while. 

But then I realized that I truly did love my husband. 

Despite normal marital issues, I chose to be happy and realistic about marriage in general. 

And, despite having had many opportunities to cheat and meeting many attractive men who seemed interested, I chose to stay faithful because I loved my husband too much to hurt him so badly simply for sexual pleasure. 

There are lots of people out there who feel as I do.

Still, you must have changed or improved in some way good afterward. 

What about being more aware? Less trusting? Less unconditional giving? More willing to insist on boundaries in the relationship?

I once talled to a divorce attorney who told me that almost every person, man or woman, filing for a fault divorce says they will never love again or marry. 

He says that usually lasts about two years. 

Wishing you the best and new love in the future.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

I think I have learned to take life as it comes--not plan too much or control anything, just relax more and roll with life. 

I, too, have taken up sports training. For me it is the triathlon. Train for months, then race. I LOVE that finish line.

Really, I think it forces people to stop and examine life. For me, that had good results.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Before my h and I separated I was a SAHM, with non working car, never fixed my hair, had no motivation what so ever! In the past month I got a newer car, make an effort with myself to fix myself up everyday, lost almost 10lbs so far, I was living my life around my h now I don't even concern myself with him, and I have a job interview tomorrow!  I am a much happier person now that I am not worried about if my h is happy or not and taking care of myself for once! 
Even though I am still hurt, I am making a way for myself and my babies no matter what.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

cj9947 said:


> The biggest self-improvement came, for me, when I began to question the reality of "love". I now no longer believe in the concept of human love. It is simply another human myth. For me, it now resides next to some other myths I no longer believe in; God, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Patriotism, LOVE and etc.
> 
> We are bathed in the fantasy of "love" from an early age. It is in our music, movies, TV shows, greeting cards, commercials, magazines & etc. It warps the reality of our lives. Many a person on this message board made costly mistakes because they were high on "love" like a drug.
> 
> ...


Nothing says romance like Ted Bundy.:scratchhead: Interesting post, lemme think about it.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

myhope said:


> I think I have learned to take life as it comes--not plan too much or control anything, just relax more and roll with life.
> 
> I, too, have taken up sports training. For me it is the triathlon. Train for months, then race. I LOVE that finish line.
> 
> Really, I think it forces people to stop and examine life. For me, that had good results.


I't's amazing how physical activity is mentally relaxing.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> Before my h and I separated I was a SAHM, with non working car, never fixed my hair, had no motivation what so ever! In the past month I got a newer car, make an effort with myself to fix myself up everyday, lost almost 10lbs so far, I was living my life around my h now I don't even concern myself with him, and I have a job interview tomorrow!  I am a much happier person now that I am not worried about if my h is happy or not and taking care of myself for once!
> Even though I am still hurt, I am making a way for myself and my babies no matter what.


Bravo!! Self-reliance is self-satisfaction. The more things you do for yourself and your kids the better you will feel.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

amazing posts, thank you. it's such a positive start to my day, and not in a cheer-up, greeting card kind of way. it is crucial to see that in the midst of this nightmare, some people really ARE coming out of it okay, sometimes with new strengths, new self-awareness, new interests, and even improved marriages/relationships.

i am just now surfacing from the hanging-on-by-my-fingernails, random-crying-in-public phase. but 5 months after d-day, i am starting to believe that some of these improvements will be possible for me as well.

i already feel freed to some extent from the deadening denial that i was in during my pre-A marriage. looking back, i can't believe how cut off from myself i was... i feel so much more full of feeling now, and so full of bravery with regard to speaking about my feelings and acting on them. 

why was that so unthinkable before? what was/am i afraid of? what was/am i protecting? i'm actually excited to take on these questions.

every once in a while, i even feel an unexpected brief burst of optimism about the future. i consider myself to be working toward R, so i hope that that future is with my H. But if that can't be -- if he can't do the work that some of the fWHs in this forum have done -- i think i can handle that, too.

thanks again


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

That's what this thread is about, Margrace, improving yourself, physically and mentally. You are not responsible for what your H does, and if he isn't willing or able to do the work necessary, you'll soon know it and can deal with it accordingly. But when you have improved yourself, then you have the confidence of knowing that whatever happens, you will be OK. Good Luck, you're on the right track!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

after I realized that the penis pump was a ripoff, I worked on my communication skills and spent more one on one time with the wife


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I love this thread...very inspirational and motivating!


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Ted Bundy and the penis pump really set my Friday off! Thank you!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> after I realized that the penis pump was a ripoff, I worked on my communication skills and spent more one on one time with the wife


 You might want to learn how to tie cherry stems in a knot with your tongue, that should get her attention.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

been doing that since Twin Peaks


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Funny story. We had a case of harrassment at work and the guy got fired. I and a couple of others and the PS officer went with him to his desk, to make sure that he took no sensitive company info. Well, this guy was really reluctant to open this one drawer in his desk, to the point that the Officer had to force it. Sure enough, there was a pump and a massive dildo in it. I don't even want to know what he did with that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he sexually harassed people with it, duh


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Damm, T/J'd my own thread!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

We all burst out laughing, especially when the officer went and got a pair of rubber gloves, to pick it up with.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what if it was "sensitive company property"?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> I love this thread...very inspirational and motivating!


Aside from the silliness, I hope that people who relate their stories here, will come away with a sense of pride in their growth as adults, and the knowledge that life, after an affair , is what you make it.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what if it was "sensitive company property"?


Stop it!! I'm trying to drink a cup of coffee , here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In the 18 months since my first D-Day I've really learned a lot about myself. I realized that I had allowed my husband's perceptions of me to gradually chip away my core. I'd lost virtually all of my self-esteem. Without even realizing it was happening. I'd started to _feel_ like the anxious, lazy, incompetant, dumb, irrational, sexually defective woman with the never-quite-up-to-par housekeeping skills and not-quite-a-real job that my husband seemed to see. He felt entitled to Martha Stewart, June Cleaver, Murphy Brown and Linda Lovelace - all rolled into one - with no effort on his part. And the more I'd tried to meet his needs (since isn't that what good spouses do?), while trying to figure out why he wouldn't meet mine, the more of a mess I'd become. So, I stopped allowing myself to be a mess and started looking at what I needed and wanted.

I started working out. Not to lose weight or get in shape for him, but because it finally dawned on me that it was important to take care of myself. That I missed doing that, and that I was worth it. 

I started participating again in my hobbies. Things I'd let go in an attempt to keep up with all the things he expected me to do. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about taking a few hours a week to do things I enjoy - he certainly doesn't - so I stopped feeling guilty about it. 

I started doing way less at home and worrying about it not at all. There's no real way for me to have a full time job (which his adamantly insists on), do 100% of the childcare and 100% of the house work, plus frequent entertaining, to the standards he expected and still get more than 4 hours of sleep or have anything resembling a life. I've stopped running myself ragged trying to do it all and I've stopped allowing him to guilt me into anxiety about it. 

I joined two volunteer organizations. I help raise funds for adult education and I work to improve the business climate in my community. I turns out I'm not incompetant or socially awkward, I enjoy helping others, and I have useful skills.

I've asked for and been granted a generous raise at work. I'm good at my job and I'm well respected, and I deserved the raise. 

I've started setting clear boundaries about what I will and will not accept in my marriage - and I'm standing firm on them even in the face of serious push back from him. 

Basically, I'm slowly but surely turning myself into the me I would have been if I hadn't spent the last 15 years letting my husband's disrespect for me eat away at my soul.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Rowan said:


> In the 18 months since my first D-Day I've really learned a lot about myself. I realized that I had allowed my husband's perceptions of me to gradually chip away my core. I'd lost virtually all of my self-esteem. Without even realizing it was happening. I'd started to _feel_ like the anxious, lazy, incompetant, dumb, irrational, sexually defective woman with the never-quite-up-to-par housekeeping skills and not-quite-a-real job that my husband seemed to see. He felt entitled to Martha Stewart, June Cleaver, Murphy Brown and Linda Lovelace - all rolled into one - with no effort on his part. And the more I'd tried to meet his needs (since isn't that what good spouses do?), while trying to figure out why he wouldn't meet mine, the more of a mess I'd become. So, I stopped allowing myself to be a mess and started looking at what I needed and wanted.
> 
> I started working out. Not to lose weight or get in shape for him, but because it finally dawned on me that it was important to take care of myself. That I missed doing that, and that I was worth it.
> 
> ...


Empowering isn't it. You're doing a great job.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I can relate to so many stories, Sara, CJ, Thrway...

R started Sept of 2009 after her failed suicide attempt. I think it actually started the day before when I told her I was done and she was out of the house.

Prior to that I was your textbook enabler of her drinking. I thought I could cure her and we would be happy. I thought this so much I still thought it after I found out about her affair. 

When she was recovering I was too and we were separated. During that time I did soul searching. I thought about what love was and like CJ said I found it to be a load of road apples. Everyone is pressured into marrying because it's what is expected. I realized I married her because I felt she loved me, I was attracted to her, we shared common like and she would never cheat on me like my mom did my dad. 

Well that last part was false so I had to re-evaluate what I thought marriage was. I realized I do love her but I am not in love with her. 19 years of marriage has brought us close and I enjoy her company. More so now that she is sober. We decided 1 day is too long to hold anything back in our marriage so we talk about things immediately, no matter how hard it can be to bring things up. Burying stuff makes it worse. 
I know I am not completed by her, what a stupid concept to be completed by someone through marriage. I am whole on my own, there are things about her that make parts of my bettre and that is why I like being married to her.
I am more honest with myself and with others. Life is too short to play games and dance around topics. I tell people what they should hear, not what they want to hear.
I realize I took some of life's hardest punches and I got up from the mat to fight again. I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to go down in flames for trying. I'd rather fail then never try.
I started running more for me and not to escape my life. 
I tell my kids daily I love them, and they are the two people in my life I can say I love and mean it 100% with no reservation. I would do anything for them.
I know there can come a day where I decide being married without trust is not worth it and I can walk away with my head high. For now, I am willing to try and she knows that is the best I can offer now and accepts that.

Basically, I removed the horse blinders & rose colored glasses and I now see life for its beauty and ugliness. It's all very zen and peaceful...


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

Only 3 months post d-day, still in the undecided stage, still very hurt BUT....... I have started seeing a therapist for ME, I have started doing things for ME, I have started to get to know MY friends again, I've lost 40 lbs and counting!! Going for walks & getting lost in my music!! Getting lost in ME!!! 25yrs of marriage and 4 boys I forgot who I am. I don't know the future I am still sooooooooo angry and hurt and confused and everything under the sun all I can do is do ME!!!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

shannonc5460 , 

hang in there !!!

~sammy


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

Thank you1 I am trying


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

shannonc5460 said:


> Thank you1 I am trying


It sounds to me like you are succeeding. Give yourself a pat on the back.:smthumbup:


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