# I love him but I don't



## fannypack (Sep 3, 2014)

H and I have will been married 10 years in Jan. Together 11 years total. We were pregnant 3 months into our relationship and have been together since. I am only 28. 

I love him very much. But I just don't feel any sparks when I'm with him anymore. We've always had our problems since day one. I enjoy spending family time with him though. 

A month ago, I tried to asked for a break/ separation but it didn't last long. We were still living together. He broke down and asked why I was doing this to him. I don't want to hurt him. I didn't want to see him that way so I agreed to call the break off. Since then, he's been extremely nice and loving but I don't feel anything. 

I feel more like a friend towards him. I cant bring myself to tell him how I'm feeling. I cant stand to see him cry again. 

Anyone else in the same situation?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, everyone else who has been married for this length of time loses the spark.

You have to put bad marriage harming thoughts out of your head and replace them with good ones.


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## Notsointoit (Oct 1, 2014)

Atleast you love him. Why do you want to separate?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hicks said:


> *Yes, everyone else who has been married for this length of time loses the spark.*


Whoa... what?! Sorry Hicks, but I completely disagree with this statement. Everyone most certainly does NOT lose the spark. I have married friends and relatives (some married as long as 30 years) who are as "in love" and wildly attracted to each other as they were the day they met.

My own 20-year marriage never really had the spark to begin with  Sad indeed to live this way.

In my current LTR of 4 years, the spark and attraction just keeps getting stronger and I don't see it changing for the worse ever.

I agree that the "newness" of a relationship dies down, but IMHO sexual attraction and chemistry just get stronger and deeper with the passage of time, IF you are with the right person.

And I am NOT saying that "there's only one person" out there for you... what I am saying is if you choose carefully, based on the right reasons, there's no reason to believe the spark will go away. In my own case, I didn't place enough emphasis on attraction and spark, and my marriage could not sustain as "roommates." The second time around, I have chosen more wisely.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

fannypack...

You got married VERY young. Were you certain of your feelings when you married him? Or have your feelings changed over time?

19-year-olds don't have a lot of experience to make "comparisons" for a life-long commitment.


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## fannypack (Sep 3, 2014)

Notsointoit said:


> Atleast you love him. Why do you want to separate?


As selfish as it may sound, I want ME time. The only me time I have are when I'm grocery shopping or driving home from work. 


happy as a clam said:


> fannypack...
> 
> You got married VERY young. Were you certain of your feelings when you married him? Or have your feelings changed over time?
> 
> 19-year-olds don't have a lot of experience to make "comparisons" for a life-long commitment.


Honestly, we married because I was pregnant. I was pregnant at 17 and married one month after my 18th birthday. At the time, it was the "right" thing to do. There was a time in our relationship where I was attracted to him. Where I wanted to spend every moment with him. He was always the opposite. After our quick break, he's been all over me, constantly complimenting me. But I don't feel anything when he compliments me. I smile and cant help but feel guilty.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

fannypack said:


> As selfish as it may sound, I want ME time. The only me time I have are when I'm grocery shopping or driving home from work.
> 
> 
> Honestly, we married because I was pregnant. I was pregnant at 17 and married one month after my 18th birthday. At the time, it was the "right" thing to do. There was a time in our relationship where I was attracted to him. Where I wanted to spend every moment with him. He was always the opposite. After our quick break, he's been all over me, constantly complimenting me. But I don't feel anything when he compliments me. I smile and cant help but feel guilty.


Sounds more like a good opportunity for MC and renegotiating the terms of your marriage.
People DO change, but a lot of the time the thing that made you love them is still very much there.
It’s just been buried under a lot of cruft.

Married for that long usually means that the couple might be taking things for granted.
Nothing wrong with dusting things off and trying some new things.

The good news is that he IS all over you.
He is trying.

There was a massive poll done by Redbook to their readers who divorced. They surveyed over 1000 women and asked them six years later if they regretted their decision to divorce. Over 80% of them said Yes.
I would encourage you to look at some new things and maybe try to get that spark back.

Most couples have to stoke the fires every now and then. Admittedly there are some who don’t, but these are the exceptions in my experience.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fannypack said:


> H and I have will been married 10 years in Jan. Together 11 years total. We were pregnant 3 months into our relationship and have been together since.* I am only 28*.


This says it all. Like most teenagers who get pregnant and get married, you have outlived the need for the marriage. And now that you don't 'need' the marriage, you're wondering why you threw away your youth.

That said, it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. There are a LOT of things you could be doing to reinvent this marriage, keep your kids' family together, and actually be happy together. I'd start with reading His Needs Her Needs - together if possible.

More importantly, what ARE you doing for me time? How often does he take the kids and let you go shopping or exercising or joining a club or something?


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## fannypack (Sep 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> This says it all. Like most teenagers who get pregnant and get married, you have outlived the need for the marriage. And now that you don't 'need' the marriage, you're wondering why you threw away your youth.
> 
> That said, it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. There are a LOT of things you could be doing to reinvent this marriage, keep your kids' family together, and actually be happy together. I'd start with reading His Needs Her Needs - together if possible.
> 
> More importantly, what ARE you doing for me time? How often does he take the kids and let you go shopping or exercising or joining a club or something?


I do believe this is the reason why I am feeling this way. Could it be that I am now an independent and confident woman? Maybe. Where as I used to be a shy dependent girl. Since 17, I moved out of my parents, got married and had a baby. I had to grow up at an early age. Now that our daughter is a older, there is more free time to enjoy going out. 

H and I try dates but we either don't have much to talk about or I some how do or say something "stupid" and he becomes angry. Then, the night ends.

As for ME time. I don't have me time. Last time I had my hair cut was 2 YEARS AGO! :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does he have an anger problem? Is he mad about having to marry you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Even happily married people want me time. Carve out some personal time now and see if you feel better about things. Is your husband needy?


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## fannypack (Sep 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> Does he have an anger problem? Is he mad about having to marry you?


Turnera, he does have an anger problem and a short temper. In another thread, I stated that he has told me multiple times he does not want to be with me anymore, wants me time too and wants to be single. I've heard it too many times and started to feel nothing towards him. Of course, after our arguments, he tells me he didn't mean what he said.



lifeistooshort said:


> Even happily married people want me time. Carve out some personal time now and see if you feel better about things. Is your husband needy?


I wouldn't say he was needy. But I've been taking care of him for 11 years now. Cook, serve his plate, clean up after. Pretty much been spoiled by me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fannypack said:


> Turnera, he does have an anger problem and a short temper. In another thread, I stated that he has told me multiple times he does not want to be with me anymore, wants me time too and wants to be single. I've heard it too many times and started to feel nothing towards him. Of course, after our arguments, he tells me he didn't mean what he said.


Pretty much why people should stick to one thread. Nobody has the time to hunt down other threads to know the details.

I would suggest you go ahead and try separation, since you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, but it doesn't seem like you guys have even tried to make the marriage better, and I don't advise breaking up families when the adults haven't tried to fix the marriage yet. Have you read HNHN? Do you spend 15 hours together doing dating-type stuff to rekindle (or create) feelings for each other? Have you two filled out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, so you know what makes your spouse happy and what you do that upsets them? No? Then running away from this marriage won't fix anything. You'll just take your problems with you to the next marriage and subject your kids to lower self esteem, anxiety, possible depression and school problems...

And when you say he has a short temper, is it the sort of thing that has created fear in your house? Do you and the kids alter your activities, words, to avoid making him angry?


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