# Another Verbal Abuse Thread



## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

I’ve been around a bit, lurking and did post one thing for a friend but nothing for myself until now.

I’m 50, H is 54 and we’ve been married 2 years, together for 4. This is my 2nd marriage, his 3rd. He has two grown daughters from marriage #1. We had both been divorced several years when we met so no “affairage” here. During our marriage, I have dealt with his porn issue, an explicit email exchange with a high school friend on FB (2010) and lots of unemployment. I’ve been on my job nearly 10 years. I’ve never cheated in any way. 
The main issues right now are his anger & verbal abuse and now that he’s working (6 weeks on new job) not helping around the house or contributing financially. I’ll break it all down:

1.	Anger & Verbal abuse – He has so much anger toward God knows what and it’s gotten much worse. He has road rage issues and thinks he’s the only good driver in the USA. He lets all that get to him to the point of getting red-faced angry or illegally passing people in a turn lane or over the double yellow because they’re “too slow.” This has scared the crap out of me and I’ve told him so and his response is to close my eyes and shut up. Additionally, he makes many racist comments (I won’t repeat any here) when he knows how much it upsets me. My family is multi-cultural and I take offence to the N word and derogotory references to homosexuals. It’s awful and he says he’s just teasing and he teases as a way to show love. Really? He can’t talk to me without dropping the f-bomb in a sentence, for example “Where the F**K did you put the sugar?” “I have the antenna where I want it so don’t F*****G touch it.” “Get your S**T out of the way” Things like that. Can’t utter three sentences with out swearing either to me or about something. 

2.	When he wasn’t working, the house was a mess. Now that he is, it’s still a mess but not as bad. I ask him to help (take out trash, pick up his mess) and it’s like asking to cut off an arm. But, he’ll help the residents at his job cheerfully and without question (he’s working at a transitional housing place).

3. I also have no idea where his money goes. He only contributed $97 of the $1600 in household expense (rent, utilities, insurance) last month. Had an excuse that he didn’t give me any money since I had not given him my routing/account number so he can transfer the money. We don’t have a joint account right now as our last account was garnished since he failed to file his BK papers timely and the creditor did what they are supposed to, collect. I fought that and got all but $200 back, so kudo’s to me. 

I admit I let a lot of this go on and didn’t say anything and that’s my fault. I did too much and am now paying the price. However, now we fight all the time since I no longer allow him to talk to me the way he does and I won’t get in a car with him so when we go places, I drive or find some excuse to drive separately. I have started recording him when he talks to me so I can play it back when he’s open to listening. I’m also playing it for our pastor, who he respects and listens to.

I am so very tired. I feel emotionally beat up when he gets on an F-bomb rampage. A friend told me this and the racist teasing is verbal abuse.

Part of me is ready to leave, the other Christian part of me says no to divorce. So now what? He sees a counselor for his anger but it doesn’t appear to be working. Sorry this got so long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is nothing in Christianity that requires you or anyone else to stay and be abused, put up with infidelity or to be used economically.

You can only have control over yourself. You cannot change another person. So sent your boundaries. Tell him what you they are. And when he refuses to live within your boundaries file for divorce.
Boundaries are what you are willing to let in your life. They are not telling him how to behave.
“I will not tolerate angry outbursts, profanity, racist remarks and anger. I will not support another adult when they refuse to contribute financially. If you cannot leave by these boundaries I am filing for divorce.”

What’s the situation with your house? Do you rent? Do you both own the house? Can you move out and leave him with all the bills? Or are they in your name?


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

We rent and we're on month to month and can go at any time. The utilities are in my name so if I leave, I'll shut them off. I've told him this morning (after another argument) I will no longer tolerate his angry outbursts and am looking at separation. If he starts f-bombing, I will leave the room or go sit outside. I told him I will no longer be treated this way and that I will expose his double life (nice in public, angry at home) to anyone. I'm not covering for him any more. 

He just text me like nothing happened, asking where I am stopping after work (need a few grocery items) and asking for ice cream. I won't buy that, in fact, I didn't even respond. He also said he'll have money to me today. We'll see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a slight chance that you setting down your boundaries and sticking to them might get him to change. Very slime, but it's there.


We'll see how this goes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CCL said:


> He just text me like nothing happened, asking where I am stopping after work (need a few grocery items) and asking for ice cream. I won't buy that, in fact, I didn't even respond. He also said he'll have money to me today. We'll see.


I have two M-words for this^^: minimizing and manipulation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have two more words.

Jekyll and Hyde.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

At 50 and he's been married three times kinda makes you wonder what the common denominator is. A real man doesn't speak to his wife with F Bombs and N words. Drop him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CCL said:


> I've told him this morning (after another argument) I will no longer tolerate his angry outbursts and am looking at separation.


You TOLD him, huh? And that didn't do anything...odd.

You don't tell people like this, you do. Print out a copy of that OP, word for word, and hand it to him while you walk out the door. Then go dark. You will talk to him when you see him making progress. Scare the S.H.I.T out of him.

Although I'd like to think I wasn't as bad as your husband, I was close. I knew I had a problem and I knew my wife hated it. But she always forgave me. No consequences. Well, years later I'm trying, and miserably failing, to fix what I though was a rut in my marriage. Turned out my wife hadn't loved me for years. I lost my wife and it was my fault. My world collapsed in an instant. It all made sense in that one, horrible moment. 

I was fixed INSTANTLY. My DNA changed. NEVER again was I going to be the kind of person that would force my life partner away. 

My wife is still gone (emotionally). I think you're gone for good as well. But to give your marriage any chance of surviving, you need to tear it down first.

Good luck. No more "telling".


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone I got home late and just now logged in. I'll read the responses now. I didn't want you to think I was a "post and run" type of person, lol.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

He did give me money and is pretending like everything is OK, even brought me coffee this morning. I'm just so dead in the heart right now that I can't even appreciate that gesture. 

Jekyll and Hyde is a perfect example. On Thursday night, we had my company summer party. There, he was a perfect gentleman even holding my hand and hugging on me. Probably because there were people there to witness it. On the drive home (we went separatley since the party was right by his job and right after he was off so I went home first to feed pets), there were lots of red lights on the route we took. He pulled up next to me and started in "This is F*****G assenine" "This was a F*****G stupid idea to go this way" (it was my idea) and "I could be F*****G home already if I took 215." This was before yesterdays issue. Needless to say, my wall went way up.

I'm right now going to bring this up and let him know I will be leaving if this happens again. I am looking online at places now. I'll let you know how that goes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CCL said:


> I'm right now going to bring this up and let him know I will be leaving if this happens again.


Please be prepared for him to turn on the charm again. He believes that will keep you hooked. 

Sounds like you are moving in a positive direction to take care of yourself. Do you feel strong enough to follow through on leaving when he starts behaving like Prince Charming?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

CCL said:


> He sees a counselor for his anger but it doesn’t appear to be working.


Exactly.

Anger counseling will NOT work if your husband is an abuser. Read "Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Not all "angry" people abuse. I agree with you that he does have an anger problem (road rage, etc.) but he is able to control it with his co-workers, ie, not act on it.

However with you, he _chooses_ not to control his anger & verbally abuses you. I am sure if you checked with his former wives, he did it to them also. It's the way he is & is a form of power, domination & control over one's partner.

Good luck. You can set up all of the boundaries in the world & he will not change unless he seeks therapy specifically designed for abusers & then he still probably won't change because of his age & the internal rewards he gets from abusing his partner.

I know of what I speak because I lived it for 22 years. No amount of "boundaries" begging, pleading, crying & threats of leaving worked.

The only thing that "worked" was leaving. I was no longer around to be abused.


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## munizhcw (Aug 5, 2013)

You cannot change another person. So sent your boundaries. Tell him what you they are.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Sorry I didn't check in until now.... My alerts were going to my spam folder and I thought it just got quiet here, lol.

Prodigal - "Prince Charming" doesn't work anymore. I find myself just rolling my eyes and tuning out. He asks why and I tell him a day and a half then back to the same ole does not equal change. 

He saw my computer open on Saturday (left it that way on purpose) and saw I was surfing for a new residence and he panicked. I told him I was looking and the last three days, I have not heard any excessive anger. But, we shall see. I've left my options open so if I have to go, I can.


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## dadeuslote (Aug 7, 2013)

You cannot change another person. So sent your boundaries.


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