# Help! husband moved out.



## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum. I wanted some advice. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We are best friends, are very active together, and have regular sex (3-4x a week). Back in March, my husband started to act strange, telling me he felt unsure about everything, his job, us, his life. He said he felt depressed.

We start to work through it, I suggest maybe we try marriage and individual counseling so we can work through the marriage stuff but also work through our own things. We do for a few months, things seemed to get better, though his depression does not. 

In September, he goes to a psychiatrist to get meds for depression, at his therapist's suggestion. The psychiatrist says "no big decisions on anything for at least 8-12 weeks" giving some time for meds to kick in. 4 days later, he asks for a divorce. I was FLOORED! I tried to suggest that we wait just a little bit, like the psychiatrist said, and he refused. I didn't try to fight him on it as I felt if this is truly what he wants, he should do it.

He seemed to go a bit nuts for a couple of weeks, went away hiking with his dad for a week, seemed a bit more stable when he returned. He backtracked a little, suggesting a temporary separation instead. However, he would not move out!! Weeks went by and I finally had to tell him to find a place so we could have the space to think about all of this.

So far, he has :
-told me he wants to move back in with me in a year.
- has said that he does not plan to get in another relationship with anyone because what we have is so "amazing" that he would never leave this, just to get involved with someone else.
-has said that he doesn't know whether or not he EVER wants to be in a relationship again with anyone.
-he says that he's a loner, an alien and he does not belong 
anywhere.
-says he needs to be alone to deal with his demons and inner struggle.

Since he has moved out, he calls me on a regular basis, we spent Thanksgiving together with a couple of friends, we've gone to yoga, dinner, kayaking. When we see each other, we hug a lot, kiss sometimes, he always tells me he loves me.

I won't lie, I'm hoping there is a chance for a reconciliation but I also know, at this point, he is unable to talk about things as he has no idea what he's feeling about anything. When I see him, I keep everything light, don't talk about us, we just have a good time.

However, he has left me!! I can't deny this to myself. He has given up on this relationship. Am I fooling myself to think we have a chance?? We still have a lot of chemistry and even talked about being friends with benefits (BAD idea, I know) but he said he can't do that right now. He says there's too much emotion involved (true) and to quote him " I love the f**K out of you, I can't just have casual sex with you, it would be too hard."

Thoughts anyone???? Sorry for such a long post but distraught over the loss of my husband and best friend!! Oh, I have absolutely no reason to believe that there has been or is another woman. 
Thanks!


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

speckles said:


> In September, he goes to a psychiatrist to get meds for depression, at his therapist's suggestion. The psychiatrist says "no big decisions on anything for at least 8-12 weeks" giving some time for meds to kick in.


Stop right there. And he wanted to do this?


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

do you mean did he want to go on meds or did he actually want a divorce?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

shrink...then meds...


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

He has been going to a shrink,on and off, since he was in his early 20s I guess. He has some childhood trauma that he tries very hard to work on. The meds, ugh. I definitely cringed when he came home from therapy, saying he was going to do it. We talked about it and he really felt like this was the way he wanted to go. He has battled some depression throughout the years and was always pretty opposed to medication. He said that things had gotten way too overwhelming for him and saw it as his only way out.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

speckles said:


> The meds, ugh. I definitely cringed when he came home from therapy, saying he was going to do it. We talked about it and he really felt like this was the way he wanted to go.


I have yet to believe a single case where SSRI's were the answer. Sounds like he needs better help. I'm not a dr, so take what I say at face value...or take it to heart.

Hate to paraphrase books on TAM, but sounds like he needs to give "Hold on to your N.U.T.S" a try and let go of that little boy inside


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

speckles said:


> So far, he has :
> -told me he wants to move back in with me in a year.


Has he suggested what he thinks will be different in this one year period? In other words why the year and then he will move back? 



speckles said:


> -he says that he's a loner, an alien and he does not belong
> anywhere.


Is this your personal experience, that he does indeed tend more towards being a loner? 




speckles said:


> However, he has left me!! I can't deny this to myself. He has given up on this relationship.


Just trying to get a larger picture: Is this the first time you felt he has given up on the relationship, or is this a pattern?


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

drerio,
no, that's just it. It's like he doesn't understand the reality. I personally think it may just be fear that's making him say that. Apparently, a coworker left his wife for a year, then came back. He partly bases it on that (??!). A couple of his friends have contacted me, saying that they tried to talk him out of it, and are asking what has happened. They are concerned.
Yes, he has definitely always been a loner!! I always tried to encourage him to go out with friends as I have a pretty active social life, but he prefers to be at home, though he does play music with his friends a couple of nights a week so that's good. I used to give him a hard time, trying to get him to go out with his friends more but then felt bad because that's not what he wanted. When he was in his "angry" stage of leaving, one of the things he said was " you are all I have in my life, I need to find more". While I completely agree with that statement, it's frustrating because I have wanted him to find more the whole time we've been together!!!
The leaving has not always been a pattern, though distancing himself emotionally has been. He has gone through a couple of episodes throughout the years where he just turns cold, shut down. He seems like a different person. That's what happened this time AND he left.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> I have yet to believe a single case where SSRI's were the answer.


I have. I've seen them save lives.

It kind of sounds like you weren't being very supportive, but I wasn't there.

On the other hand, I'd bet my last dollar that he as at least noticed someone at work he has a crush on, if not hasn't already started an affair.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

Chumpless, I agree. I am not a fan of meds. At this point, I have thought several times about discussing it with him but he's so determined that I'm not sure how he would take it. He is still in therapy, trying to deal with his childhood issues, thank god, as the meds surely won't take care of that....


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

speckles said:


> drerio,
> no, that's just it. It's like he doesn't understand the reality. I personally think it may just be fear that's making him say that. Apparently, a coworker left his wife for a year, then came back. He partly bases it on that (??!). A couple of his friends have contacted me, saying that they tried to talk him out of it, and are asking what has happened. They are concerned.
> Yes, he has definitely always been a loner!! I always tried to encourage him to go out with friends as I have a pretty active social life, but he prefers to be at home, though he does play music with his friends a couple of nights a week so that's good. I used to give him a hard time, trying to get him to go out with his friends more but then felt bad because that's not what he wanted. When he was in his "angry" stage of leaving, one of the things he said was " you are all I have in my life, I need to find more". While I completely agree with that statement, it's frustrating because I have wanted him to find more the whole time we've been together!!!
> The leaving has not always been a pattern, though distancing himself emotionally has been. He has gone through a couple of episodes throughout the years where he just turns cold, shut down. He seems like a different person. That's what happened this time AND he left.


Did the psychiatrist present him with a probable disorder (that your H was willing to share with you)? ADA, tries to have physicians prescribe based on a diagnosable disorder. In the area of psychiatry it can be a probable disorder. After he started taking medication, how often does he return to follow up therapy?


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

turnera,
I can see why it might seem like that but I've actually been very supportive throughout the 14 years. I've bought many books on sexual abuse and childhood trauma to understand however much I can, have been to many counseling sessions with him, a year of acupuncture to try to help with some of his depressed symptoms. I joined a support group for spouses of people who have been through trauma, to see if there was any more that I could do to help. We have talked, at length, throughout the years, about his feelings, issues that come up, etc. I am supporting him with his decision on the meds, I just worry as he seems so distant to everyone. 
As for another person, it wouldn't be at work, as he only works with 4 other guys but, if he is involved with someone else, it would be pretty sad as his issues have gotten so bad that I don't think he could deal with that right now. Could be wrong....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I just meant about taking the medicine. Sorry. If he was desparate enough to agree to the meds, and then you flip out, he would have felt worse about it.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

drerio,
He was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder. He has signed a form, giving me full rights to talk to his psychiatrist and therapist so I have spoken with them both, the psychiatrist at great length since he started the meds. I was confused by the diagnosis as I haven't really ever seen much of a manic side to him. I joined a bipolar disorder support group to try and learn all that I could about it.
Right now, he is on 2 mood stabilizers and an antidepressant.
He goes to the psychiatrist once a month, but talks to him on the phone also. His talk therapy is once a week. While living here, he was religious about taking his meds and still claims to be, I have no reason to believe otherwise.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

turnera,
I'm not sure where you got the idea that I flipped out. I believe I said I cringed, and that was actually to myself. Then we sat down and talked about it. I have supported him since then. I'm in pretty regular touch with his psychiatrist also (at my husband's want). I'm jus concerned for him as those medications can have some pretty harsh side effects.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

speckles said:


> Right now, he is on 2 mood stabilizers and an antidepressant.


Cheese and rice!!!!!!!!!!!Wake up toots.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

I actually am awake. I am not him, I cannot force him not to take meds. If this is what he really feels he has to do right now, and he's got a therapist that he's had for months and thinks she is great and completely trusts her, I cannot control that or him for that matter. If he believes this is helping, then I need to believe that for him as well! He has been a lot more stabilized since on them. I have been endlessly researching the pros and cons of all the meds he is on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

speckles said:


> I have been endlessly researching the pros and cons of all the meds he is on.


 Is he aware of this?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

speckles said:


> I actually am awake. I am not him, I cannot force him not to take meds. ...I need to believe that for him as well! He has been a lot more stabilized since on them.


Believe away...it wont work.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

tunera,
he is. I printed about a bunch of info for him for awhile and he asked me to print out more as he wanted to know but felt overwhelmed by it. I think we know every single pro and con to the meds he is on . It's good as some of the side effects are things you wouldn't even know to look for!


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

Chumpless,
I understand your feelings on meds and I have some of them as well but, the fact is, the other things he was doing were not working for him either so he feels he needs to give this a chance. Many people can live healthy, fulfilling lives on the medications whereas they could not otherwise. A hallmark for bipolar is that it gets worse with age. I think he finally got to the point where he felt like he needed this. I am going to be supportive of this until I see otherwise.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Okay.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

speckles
If Bipolar is his official diagnosis, you are left with few option but medication. Unfortunately the side effects will probably still leave him lost in his relationship with you. I understand that we are an overly medicated nation, but this is one area, where he really needs to maintain a regiment of his medication. There is also a tendency for those with bipolar syndrome to self medicate. You need to help steer him away from this activity as it will make it worse and your chances to reconcile with him more problematic. 

Support is good thing, but I will be honest it will start to feel one sided after a while. I hope you are strong.


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## speckles (Dec 4, 2012)

drerio,
I agree. After researching the past several weeks, bipolar can definitely not go untreated. There are some side effects to the medication, but the effects of the disorder, left untreated, are far more devastating. He has completely let me in, in regards to his treatment. I have gone to psychiatrist with him a couple of times, once after he had already moved out.
It has felt one sided for a few months now but he's my husband and best friend and I love him and want to help him through this. When do you let go though? He has essentially already left this relationship so....
I keep getting hammered with the "other woman" scenario and it gets so f***ing old. I don't believe there is one as he is not in the state for that but, if there is, I don't even want to know about it as he has MOVED OUT and basically left the relationship. What I want is for him to work on himself and get better down the line. He seems to be doing the steps it takes to do that.
Thanks drerio.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Being that he has bipolar syndrome, I seriously doubt there is another woman. 

I can't answer how long you hang on. Only you can decide. I wish you the best. Take care


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