# Opinions on frequency of sex



## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

I have another question that I would like your thoughts on, frequency of sex within a marriage. My wife and I had a discussion a while back, and she says "2-3 times per week is more than average according to the girls at work. If you want more than that you may be a sex addict." I get offended and try to tell her that I have a high appetite for sex (I told her this 2 weeks before our wedding also,) and that does not make me a sex addict. I do not want sex with just anyone, I want and crave it with HER! I tried explaining to her that it is MY love language. We took the quiz and Physical touch was an 11. For her, on the other hand, physical touch was a 4. Her languages were tied for the top with Quality Time and Acts of Service both scoring 8. She then tries to "barter" her position by telling me, "if you did more service, I might feel more like touch." So here is the question: If I require 5 times a week to be happy, and every other night is a bare minimum, and for her 2-3 or every other night is a maximum and once a week is a minimum, should I be ok when she feels bad on one of the "on" nights? This happens about once a week and it drives me crazy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I think you two are nit-picking over details. Worrying about numbers and schedules rather than enjoying and savouring. But that's just going based on this single post...

How long have you two been married? Has there been a decline? Do you have kids?

C
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It could be an unconscious - or conscious? - strategy to avoid sex more than she wants. This will continue and get worse once you're married - if it's already happening, your sex life is about to take a nose dive, IMO. Prepare yourself for gradually decreasing sexual frequency. In a year or two, you may be in a technically sexless marriage. It's too late to call off the marriage ... oh well.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would kill for 2-3 times a week. I've been on the once a week allowance for 32 years. And thats if I'm lucky.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> If I require 5 times a week to be happy, and every other night is a bare minimum, and for her 2-3 or every other night is a maximum and once a week is a minimum, should I be ok when she feels bad on one of the "on" nights? This happens about once a week and it drives me crazy.


Was that an agreement you made before marriage that you required sex 5 times a week? 

(every other night is 3.5 times per week) 

I suppose if you had some sort of explicit agreement that you would get a certain amount of sex than she would need to live up to that (barring the occasional sick day)

Anyway sex is a negotiation where the LD person has all the cards. 

Should you be OK? 
Who are we to say? 
What is OK for me might not be OK for you.
When I was young I would have sex 15 times a week now it is once or twice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> It could be an unconscious - or conscious? - strategy to avoid sex more than she wants.



That's SLA for y'all...

Service Level Agreement in case you have to look it up. The moment you start negotiating over 3 vs 4 times you've lost the battle.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Saying wanting more makes you a sex addict is rude. Basing a couples sex frequency on what work mates do is not going to bring about a win/win solution.

Personally 2-3 times a week while in a loving relationship would not be enough for me as I prefer daily sex but that is not relevant to anyone elses situation.

You guys need to talk about this in an adult manner, without bring into the conversation other peoples frequency.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I like sex 2-3 times a week. More than that and I don't enjoy it at all, because I need recharge time. What if your wife is like this? Is the 5 times a week you "require" worth her enjoying it less if you get everything you want? What would be a reasonable compromise for you?

And I agree that if your're nitpicking over 5 vs 3-4 a week it's only a matter of time before sex with you becomes a big fat chore. .It's a lot of pressure.
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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If you were single and still playing the field, would you get get sex 2 to 3 times a week regularly ?


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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Ok, I'm going to try to answer some of the questions. As with anything written something is always lost in the translation. First of all, no we don't have an "agreement." We have been married 5 years, and in that time it's gone downhill. As for my "requiring" 5x per week, that is the number I need to feel loved, and fulfilled. The 2-3 now is minimum. And to top it off, I didn't mention that I travel for work 26 weeks a year or more. When I come home from my week out, it's pretty much a given on the night I get home, then nothing the next night, and again the following night. Back to every-other-night. I guess my reasoning is that if it's already dropping to the bare minimum for me, how long before it's 1-2, then once a week, then once every 10 days, etc. See my point? No, I don't want "pity sex" or it to become a chore. In my opinion that's BS. What I would like is for her to understand the importance that it has for me. How would she like it if I were to start doing less of the "service" or "Quality time" things she requires? That is more my point. And mostly, I wanted someone else to tell me that my requiring more than the perceived average does not make me a sex addict. I think that sex in a marriage is just as important to the marriage as food, water, and air are to it's existence. From my point of view, if I were the only person who could provide food for her, and she told me that she was hungry, how would she feel if I told her, I'm too tired to hunt tonight. I'll feed you tomorrow. And by the way, I can only hunt every other day.
Also, I kind of feel like I've been "bait and switched." I did everything in my power to make sure that I didn't end up in this boat again (I've been married before," even to the point of asking her point blank before we got married and I was assured that it wasn't going to be a problem. The exact answer I got was, "That won't be a problem. I have NEVER told my husband no when he wanted to have relations with me." I guess there's a first time for everything.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> Also, I kind of feel like I've been "bait and switched." I did everything in my power to make sure that I didn't end up in this boat again (I've been married before," even to the point of asking her point blank before we got married and I was assured that it wasn't going to be a problem. The exact answer I got was, "That won't be a problem. I have NEVER told my husband no when he wanted to have relations with me." I guess there's a first time for everything.


See here's where you went wrong: wanting to believe that someone can guarantee their sexual desire/behavior isn't going to change, ever, in a marriage. 

EVERYTHING is subject to "bait and switch" in long term relationships. Everything. Because, you see, people change. 

You have to work on it. Find a way to work on it WITH her. Standing there with your hand out saying "but you _promised_" will get you nowhere.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Bait and switch? In your initial post you said she only provided the minimum even before you were married, so why you expected anything different, I'm not sure.

It's very rare to be able to improve on such situations, and you aren't even that mismatched compared to many. A very few people here have, so perhaps you can find their threads and learn something that will help. Other than that, there is little you can do except divorce her and find someone who - in the present, as the future is unknowable - matches your sex drive and does so consistently.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are away from home over 6 months a year? Are you home every other week? If you were home every day, do you think you would be happy with 3X a week? How does your wife feel about your work schedule. Is sex enjoyable to your wife?
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

D to find a woman who will have sex 2 more times a week for years. Plus she must be ok with your absence for over 6 months a year. It's too bad that your feelings of being loved dissipates after so short a period of time. Make a list of the things that are good and bad in the relationship and have your wife do the same. 

Sit and go over the lists with your wife. Look at every aspect of the relationship. Listen to you wife and ask her to listen to you. Really listen without thinking about getting her to have more sex. Decide if you can compromise on the issue in the negative column.

If you can't you can then consider if you think you can get all you what with someone else. Since no one gets exactly what they want. You'll be much content if you stopped and consider what you do have. Appreciate your wife and what she does do for you. 

If she feels you don't appreciate her now she may think she can never do enough to satisfy you and she may just shut down. If that happens, you will have to search for someone who has all the things you want. Of course you will have to have everything she wants. 
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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Thank you Catherine. I do love her with all my heart. I'm not going anywhere, I just wanted some differing perspectives. It's one of those things where I would like more but it is what it is. Yes, I'm home every other week, and sometimes 2-3 weeks at a time. And yes, it's almost always 2-3 times a week. She always has an "O" and we both enjoy each other very much. I would just like to have more from her side. See the previous post and my response to you there. Thanks everyone for the posts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Are there other things she can do to help you stay connected? How old are you? 

You sound frantic. You may be looking too far ahead and thinking that the frequency will decrease. Why not concentrate on maintaining a close emotional connection with you wife. Let me tell you what she may begin to think - all you think about is sex. 

Do you talk about the relationship as a whole or do you just talk about how unhappy you are about sex? Do you pout and get angry when she says no? I ask because these attitudes may decrease her desire. She needs more than sex and you have to consider that. 

You need to see intimacy and love as more than just sex. Do you need just sex for relief sometimes and for connection at others. Do you watch porn?
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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> I have another question that I would like your thoughts on, frequency of sex within a marriage. My wife and I had a discussion a while back, and she says "2-3 times per week is more than average according to the girls at work. If you want more than that you may be a sex addict." I get offended and try to tell her that I have a high appetite for sex (I told her this 2 weeks before our wedding also,) and that does not make me a sex addict. I do not want sex with just anyone, I want and crave it with HER! I tried explaining to her that it is MY love language. We took the quiz and Physical touch was an 11. For her, on the other hand, physical touch was a 4. Her languages were tied for the top with Quality Time and Acts of Service both scoring 8. She then tries to "barter" her position by telling me, "if you did more service, I might feel more like touch." So here is the question: If I require 5 times a week to be happy, and every other night is a bare minimum, and for her 2-3 or every other night is a maximum and once a week is a minimum, should I be ok when she feels bad on one of the "on" nights? This happens about once a week and it drives me crazy.



From my standpoint, a HD "high sex drive" hubby, I could have sex every day. To me, sex 2 - 3x week is only average and nothing great.

My wifee is also acts of service, so she wants to please me more than me pleasing her. I am physical for my love language.

I would say, a LD "low sex drive" spouse sex 1x - 2x month. Average, maybe 3x week, and nothing out of the ordinary. Sex almost every day, high sex drive spouse. Sex multiple times almost every day, ultra high sex drive spouse.

What your lady has to realize, is your need is physical and sex. She must take care of your main need as her own and not dictate to you when you have sex with her. That is wrong and not loving. But you must always take care of her main need as well. My wifee no longer makes excuses, hurtful remarks, rolls her eyes, again?, none of that. She makes the time now, since 4+ months ago after the love languages quiz we both took. Huge game changer for us.

What she has to understand, the girls at work mean nothing to you and your woman, marriage together. They are irrelevant!!! It's what you both need that matters. So if they say sex 2 - 3x week is a bit much, but to you, its not enough, you have more sex then.

You could have sex every day, yes? almost 7x week?

She could have sex 2 - 3x week, yes?

Compromise, sex 3 - 4x every week and maybe more than once on weekends, so you're only intimate every 2nd day during the work week and on weekends, multiple times. She has to take care of your needs as her own and not what she only wants and what her friends say.

Sex isn't a chore or a duty. She should love you and find you hot, wanting to have sex with you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think it is a mistake to approach your wife and tell her she needs to meet your needs for sex. Do you meet her needs to the degree that you would like her to meet yours? 

Calm down and have faith that you will work this out. Don't talk with her obsessively about sex. It may become background noise. Make sure when you are home that you spend quality time with her. Show interest in her in ways that are not sexual.
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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

None of us know what 5 years, 10 years is going to bring. What is it they say about worry? It's like a rocking chair - gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere? 

No, you are not a sex addict for wanting sex more than 2-3x/week. Personally I feel like sex addiction is going to involve risking your job, chronic cheating, spending hours and hours to the detriment of your regular life, spending lots of money on prostitutes or online stuff, etc. 

It seems the 'sex addict' label gets thrown around a lot here from lower drive spouses that are weary of getting hassled for sex. In my year on this board I've read stories from a few people that did seem to have a real problem - but they weren't any of the people who would like to be having daily sex. I think that's not all that abnormal, really.


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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine, I talk to my wife, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. We also took the 5 love languages quiz together, and talked about the results. The problem is that I strive to do the things that she needs. I always have. I just don't feel that I get the same in return. I don't "hound" her about this either. Over the past year, I've given in and gotten used to the every-other-day routine. Not that I like it, but it is what it is. I simply would like to feel more from the other side. I would like it if she listened when I told her that I need more, or that I need her to initiate more, or that I need to feel wanted, not that she's "allowing" it to happen. Does that make sense? It's not a weekly, or even monthly conversation. It's more of something that comes up every few months or so. I'm not stressed out about this, or even highly upset. I just feel that I'm back in the "old boat" after doing everything I possibly could to avoid it. And no, I don't look at Porn. It does nothing for me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you previous relationship is exacerbating your feelings of unhappiness. It's like PTSD. You seem to be reliving that marriage and bringing the anxiety you had into your relationship with your wife. 

Did you do any IC to process the events of your 1st marriage. Previous relationship can effect subsequent relationships if you don't take the time to talk about what happened. Your wife is not you ex. This relationship is not like your 1st marriage.

It will not go the way of the first marriage. One thing to consider when thinking about your 1st marriage is what was your role in its failure. You said you D over sex but what was your role?
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How does your wife manage your frequent absences.
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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

2-3 times a week is certainly not excessive. Marriage and sex are both things we need to work on with our spouse. I would sit her down and lay down clear expectations for each other. What does she need? What do you need? How are those needs going to be met?
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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

The "sex addict" comment is just something she said to shoot you down or a defensive reaction.

I guess in some ways I am addicted to sex and also desserts. However sex is much healthier. 

Relationships are always a bit of a gamble and always a compromise. If you find that you can't live with her libido without feeling bitter than maybe you need to move on. 

I do not think that there are any words or forms of logic that can make her want more sex and if you push her past her limit it will start to feel like duty sex and she will build her own resentment.


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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I think you previous relationship is exacerbating your feelings of unhappiness. It's like PTSD. You seem to be reliving that marriage and bringing the anxiety you had into your relationship with your wife.
> 
> Did you do any IC to process the events of your 1st marriage. Previous relationship can effect subsequent relationships if you don't take the time to talk about what happened. Your wife is not you ex. This relationship is not like your 1st marriage.
> 
> ...


Catherine, I have been to counseling, and I have resolved those issues. I didn't divorce over sex. I got divorced because my ex was bringing strange men into my house with my kids while I was on the road. I wasn't the best husband. I have thought about this in depth, and apologized to my ex more than I probably should have given her part in the break up. For those reasons, I have learned from my past mistakes and I consciously go overboard to ensure that I do not repeat those. When I'm home, I load/empty the dish washer, keep the lawn up, take out the garbage/recycling, keep her car washed and maintained. I do all of the routine maintenance around our house. I shop for the groceries. I cook dinner 2-3x per week, and clean up afterward so she can relax as she works on her feet. I make the coffee for the following morning, turn down her bed every night, put a glass of ice water on her night stand, turn on her lamp, and put her heating pad on so when she comes to bed it's warm for her. I go to sleep every night rubbing her side and back as she has pain from the adhesions, and if I wake up in the night, I un-consciously begin rubbing her side again. I wake up and rub her side and back every morning before she gets out of bed. I send her flowers to work and send her texts throughout the week letting her know just how important she is, and that I can't wait to see her. I did learn from my past.
My wife has only known my work schedule as I had this job prior to our getting together. She seems to do really well as she also works, and a couple of nights a week she works late. Although I'm gone a lot, I am home every weekend, so I'm only gone Monday-Friday, then I'm normally home all of the next week. So that's 4 days gone out of 14. This does vary a bit, but for themost part that's my schedule. When you think about it, I'm at my home as much or more than someone who works in a factory who is working overtime. When I am gone, her Mom comes to stay some of the weeks (she's 87,) and we Facetime daily and talk multiple times per day and watch our favorite TV shows together while on the phone. It's just that I guess I need to have the discussion on needs and let her know yet again what I need.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is your wife happy with you being gone so much? I haven't seen this addressed, and I can tell you I would not be happy with that. I don't see how you can have a marriage when you're gone half the time.
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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I posted a similar question here a few months ago that generated fairly responsive feedback. It got deleted out of the blue. Never was told why.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Your wife sounds similar to mine. For one, you are not a sex addict for wanting sex more than 2-3x per week. That is just her way of putting off having sex with you.

Second, she may be more selfish than she cares to admit or realize. My wife is "acts of service" and I am "physical touch." She has told me that I need to do service acts for her, but physical touch is just not important and she shouldn't have to do that for me. So, she views her desires as needs that must be fulfilled, but views my desires as wants that I should be able to live without and not complain about getting mine met.

She is a good mom and business partner and good friend. She is just not the greatest spouse in the world. 

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and are not a crazy sex addict based on what you have stated so far.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you have sex 2 to 4 times a week when you are home, and are only home every other week, your average is 1 to 2 times a week. To average every other day, you'd have to have sex every day when home, because I assume you have none when away! You could compromise on 6x a week when home for the "national" average (overall) of 3x a week.

It may not be as much as you really want, but during my first marriage I'd have been ecstatic to get even half as much as you do now. It took a divorce from her to find someone ideal for me, who also wants - and has - sex daily.


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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Married, I have tried this logic in the past and it doesn't fly. Her response is that she can't help the fact that I'm not there. I agree, and someone posted that it should be more on the weekend. Not going to happen. For her, sex is like going to an amusement park. It's "fun"( I hate that term with reference to making love to your partner,) so she can have it and be perfectly alright with once a week. She doesn't seem to get that it's a need for me. Not a trip to Six Flags. There was one woman on here and I'm sorry I don't remember her login but she said something about "finally getting it." That is the epiphany I wish my wife would have. And bbdad, you're right. She is a bit more selfish than she will ever admit.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Is she selfish because she is not having sex with you 2X more a week than you'd like or are you selfish for being unappreciative of her compromises for you. I'd be careful about letting the selfish thing leak into your encounters with her. As I said before, she may feel that you don't appreciate anything she does. I am certain your relationship meets many other needs for each other than sex. Is she selfish in general, are you? 

To the poster who thinks she should make up for his absences. I supose he could put that in the mix but he said that he seems to need sex to feel loved and desired. If he felt entitled to numbers of sex encounters per year, them maybe he should count the time he is not there. 

This is more in keeping with the men who see sex as racking up numbers to prop up their manhood. The OP does not sound like that. 

How do you manage during the considerable time that you are not with your wife?
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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Is she selfish because she is not having sex with you 2X more a week than you'd like or are you selfish for being unappreciative of her compromises for you. I'd be careful about letting the selfish thing leak into your encounters with her. As I said before, she may feel that you don't appreciate anything she does. I am certain your relationship meets many other needs for each other than sex. Is she selfish in general, are you?
> 
> To the poster who thinks she should make up for his absences. I supose he could put that in the mix but he said that he seems to need sex to feel loved and desired. If he felt entitled to numbers of sex encounters per year, them maybe he should count the time he is not there.
> 
> ...


Catherine, I don't tell her that she's selfish. That would accomplish nothing. However, there are many other things that factor into that, and yes, she is a bit selfish all the way around. I am last in my household. When I want something, it's a want, and not a need. If she or one of the kids want something, it's a need, and a priority. I could go on and on but I'm not here to bash my wife. She is my best friend and my partner. In starting this post, I simply wanted to get opinions on whether or not I was a sex addict for needing more than I'm currently getting. I don't need numbers. I could care less. If she would initiate more, be more involved and attentive, I could live with the current frequency. That is not the case. I have to initiate every time. If I don't it won't happen. I have discussed this with her, and it becomes a negotiation rather than her listening to what I'm saying, and agreeing to work on it. 
When I'm on the road, I try not think about it. I don't masturbate as I hate that. It's why I got married, and I don't cheat. That's not an option so I focus on getting home to her, and being with her. This sets me up for being let down when I come in and she doesn't get up off the couch to welcome me home, or when she comes to bed wearing her normal attire (one of my T-shirts, underwear, and socks.) Would that indicate that she missed me and was wanting to make love with me? Would that to any of you? That's my contention. I do thank you for your input, and opinions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> She always has an "O" and we both enjoy each other very much. I would just like to have more from her side.





> I simply would like to feel more from the other side. I would like it if she listened when I told her that I need more, or that I need her to initiate more, or that I need to feel wanted, not that she's "allowing" it to happen.





> For her, sex is like going to an amusement park. It's "fun"( I hate that term with reference to making love to your partner,


I'm confused by your posts. You say you both enjoy each other very much when you have sex 2-3 times a week, but then you're also dissatisfied with the kind of sex you're having, in addition to not being satisfied with the frequency.

And you don't want it to be fun? If it's not fun, she isn't going to want to do it, you know.

She's a working mom who sometimes works overtime, and she's a single mom every other week while you are traveling. If you keep trying to get her to see your desire for sex as a need, she is likely to put that in the "chores" bucket, just like child care and work - one more needy person needing something _from _her instead of something that you enjoy _together_. "Fun" is a better thing for her to be thinking of sex than for sex to be than "chores".

Also, the more grumpy and unhappy you are about this, the less fun it will be for her. And the less she will want to do it. 

Do you ever try a different approach? Like a positive one where you talk about how fantastic last night's sex was and how much you appreciate being able to have that together? Or is every conversation that you have about sex one that puts her on the defensive for doing something wrong, whether frequency or something else?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> Catherine, I don't tell her that she's selfish. That would accomplish nothing. However, there are many other things that factor into that, and yes, she is a bit selfish all the way around. I am last in my household. When I want something, it's a want, and not a need. If she or one of the kids want something, it's a need, and a priority. I could go on and on but I'm not here to bash my wife. She is my best friend and my partner. In starting this post, I simply wanted to get opinions on whether or not I was a sex addict for needing more than I'm currently getting. I don't need numbers. I could care less. If she would initiate more, be more involved and attentive, I could live with the current frequency. That is not the case. I have to initiate every time. If I don't it won't happen. I have discussed this with her, and it becomes a negotiation rather than her listening to what I'm saying, and agreeing to work on it.
> When I'm on the road, I try not think about it. I don't masturbate as I hate that. It's why I got married, and I don't cheat. That's not an option so I focus on getting home to her, and being with her. This sets me up for being let down when I come in and she doesn't get up off the couch to welcome me home, or when she comes to bed wearing her normal attire (one of my T-shirts, underwear, and socks.) Would that indicate that she missed me and was wanting to make love with me? Would that to any of you? That's my contention. I do thank you for your input, and opinions.


It indicates to me that she doesn't feel all that connected to you. That's why I wanted to know how she felt about you being gone for half the year. forgive me if you've already addressed that, I know I get off the couch every day to hug my hb (well assuming I'm home first, or he gets up for me) because I feel connected....I don't think you're anywhere near a sex addict for wanting it 5 times a week, you just have different desire levels. As for the initiating, I can only speculate here but is it possible that she feels a lot of pressure because even when you get it several times a week she knows you're not happy with that? if that's her limit she may not have it in her to initiate more. Speaking only for myself of course I'll initiate if it's been a few days but not after a day because that's how often it express me.
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## heli-pilot hubby (Oct 8, 2013)

She's a working mom who sometimes works overtime, and she's a single mom every other week while you are traveling. If you keep trying to get her to see your desire for sex as a need, she is likely to put that in the "chores" bucket, just like child care and work - one more needy person needing something from her instead of something that you enjoy together. "Fun" is a better thing for her to be thinking of sex than for sex to be than "chores".

I just want to clarify a couple of things in the above response. First, she doesn't work overtime ever. She works late as in from noon until 9:00 1 day a week, with an hour for lunch. The other days of the week it's less than 8 hours and she never works over 37 hours in a week. They aren't allowed to work any overtime. It's a fireable offense. Also, she's not a "single mom" the weeks I'm gone. We're empty nesters. No kids at home. We're in our late 40's and early 50's. And no, I don't want it to be a chore either. If you were to ask me what I'd like, it would sound something like this: I'd like for my wife to want and desire to meet my needs the way that I want and desire to meet hers. When I tell her that I would like for her to initiate, I'd love it if she did something like walk in on me when I'm in the shower and join me, or when I come home from a week on the road her be waiting in bed with something nice on, and to hear her tell me that she has missed me. Those are the things I so desperately need and desire. To feel that she wants me and loves me that way, and for it to be more frequent than every other day.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok, sorry, I misinterpreted what you meant when you said she worked late, and that when one of the kids wants something she prioritizes it.

With respect to initiating, a lot of women have responsive desire. Meaning, they aren't thinking about sex and wanting sex, but when their man initiates, they can then become interested in sex, i.e., turned on enough to enjoy sex. 

You might be setting _yourself _up to feel unwanted if you equate her lack of initiation to lack of desire for _you_. You are interpreting lack of initiation as lack of desire, but that is likely not at all how she feels since, as you said, you both very much enjoy sex together when you have it. For YOU, if you didn't initiate it would mean a lack of desire for her. But that's not necessarily true for her. Are you able to see that as possible?

I'd say the same thing for frequency. It's not necessarily a sign that she lacks desire for you if she isn't into having sex all the time. It's more that she physically doesn't need or want to have 5 times a week SEX. There is a difference between not desiring sex a certain number of times, and not desiring YOU as a man. 

It sounds like she does want you and desire you. She wouldn't be having _enjoyable _sex you if she didn't desire you. You would feel the difference in bed - it would suck, it would be duty sex at best and dead fish sex at worst.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

heli-pilot hubby said:


> She's a working mom who sometimes works overtime, and she's a single mom every other week while you are traveling. If you keep trying to get her to see your desire for sex as a need, she is likely to put that in the "chores" bucket, just like child care and work - one more needy person needing something from her instead of something that you enjoy together. "Fun" is a better thing for her to be thinking of sex than for sex to be than "chores".
> 
> I just want to clarify a couple of things in the above response. First, she doesn't work overtime ever. She works late as in from noon until 9:00 1 day a week, with an hour for lunch. The other days of the week it's less than 8 hours and she never works over 37 hours in a week. They aren't allowed to work any overtime. It's a fireable offense. Also, she's not a "single mom" the weeks I'm gone. We're empty nesters. No kids at home. We're in our late 40's and early 50's. And no, I don't want it to be a chore either. If you were to ask me what I'd like, it would sound something like this: I'd like for my wife to want and desire to meet my needs the way that I want and desire to meet hers. When I tell her that I would like for her to initiate, I'd love it if she did something like walk in on me when I'm in the shower and join me, or when I come home from a week on the road her be waiting in bed with something nice on, and to hear her tell me that she has missed me. Those are the things I so desperately need and desire. To feel that she wants me and loves me that way, and for it to be more frequent than every other day.



So you're essentially upset that she doesn't have the same level of desire as you. You're contradicting yourself: on one hand you claim she should meet your needs if she loved you, but on the other hand that's not enough because you want her to desire sex as much as you do. Which is it? If you expect her you accommodate your desire for more why shouldn't you accommodate her desire for a little less? What if you wanted it twice a day? If she can't do it twice a day does that mean your needs aren't being met and she doesn't desire you? How are you willing to compromise here? And frankly I don't see how you can really be meeting her needs, being gone so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Heli I understand - I don't initiate but I am receptive to my husband. Hang ups from my upbringing. It does not mean that I don't love my husband or desire him. Also, I don't think of sex spontaneously very often. I've tried but the things of daily living crowd out thoughts of sex. 

But I can get into the mood when I concentrate. Also,she may want to sleep comfortably at night and and dresses accordingly. She may not be deliberately rejecting you. Would you be happy to let her be comfortable and she will still have sex with you. 

Wish I were more like my husband who is similar to you. Your wife may be similar to me. However, she may not understand the natural range of sexual expression of humans that's why she thinks you are a sex addict. You may not be able to change her basic nature as she cannot change yours.

My husband and I often reach a stalemate on a few issues and we accept it. I would rather be happy about the many things we have than be miserable about the few area that I cannot change. 

I am surprised that you don't masturbate. It is so common especially since you have such a high drive and you are away from your wife so frequently. Why do you not like masturbating at lest sometimes? Do you ever feel you need a release and not connection with your wife? 

You don't need your wife for release . Making love with your wife may serve the need for connection. Would you be willing to comprimise and masturbate for release and come to your wife when you need an emotional connection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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