# I'm Not Over My STBXW, but she's over me...



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

So, yeah, like the thread title says..

Yes, she cheated on me. With two men. And is now seeing a third (whom I know personally). Yes, she has been the biggest b*tch this side of Oz. She took my car and won't even let me use it when I'm with my kid.

And yet, I miss her terribly.

Yes, I've dated during our separation. Just recently ended a 4-month relationship. But none have stacked up. My ex is really the best thing that ever happened to me.

We tried reconciling around Valentine's Day. I took her to a concert. She loved it. We talked for about a week after that, until she asked if I still loved her. I told her I did, but I didn't trust her.

She exploded. She hated me, would not talk to me. 

Until mid-May. My kid got in trouble at school. I handled it, and ex was very relieved and grateful. A week later, we threw a party for my kid, which went well.

After the party, we went out for drinks and spoke openly and honestly for the first time our 10-month separation.

She loves her new freedom. She's having her cake and eating it too. It's the ultimate selfish expression.

She's so over me, but I just can't seem to let go. I don't go chasing after her, but I say good morning and have a nice day to her when I call for my kid. The last time we met, she gave me kiss! On the lips! Oh, to feel her lips again that day! And then to think she's giving all that, and more, to other men...

She even said she wouldn't close the door on getting back together again after we're divorced. But that's a pipe dream, I know. She's having way too much fun.

And me, I can't even get on with my life. I need to make moves. But I've tried dating. I've done the booty calls. Even got into a short-term relationship. I simply can't get over her.

I want her back. I've lent her money. I've been extra nice and supportive to her, even giving her ADVICE toward her new relationship. And I plan to do something really special come Father's Day, as a surprise. 

I'm sick. None of this is going to change her mind, so why bother? Ugh, I need help, fam.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Buddy, 

Hang in there. I know what your going through. You said it perfectly, "She has her cake and eating it to" 

She is using you. I'm still waiting for the separtion part. My wife is still in the house. I have to compliment you on being able to stay friends with her and even give her advice about her other relationship. Again, Cake and enjoying it. 

I'm not qualified to give you any advice since I'm in the same boat as you. I know what you should do, but doing it is very hard cause you still love her and are hanging on to the idea that there might still be a chance. As you said before, women thrive knowing that there is someone there to fall back on or know that they are loved. Think back to High School when a girl had a crush on you, how did that make you feel. You knew you had no interest in her but you still played around and gave her hope.

What you need to do is move on and focus all your attention on your kid and yourself. 

If only I can take my own advice.

Good Luck my friend..


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I feel for ya friend, I really do. But, ten months of this crap is crazy! I am coming up on six and when that comes I'm out, period end of story. Everyone knows that there are two sides to every story, I certainly was not a model person being depressed and drinking way too much. But cheating has no excuse and she continues to justify her actions by blaming me. I refuse to take that blame, I will shoulder my part in this declining marriage but not hers. Since January I have been going to a marriage counselor every two weeks (all I can afford) and never missed an appointment. My wife has refused to go and makes excuse after excuse (too busy at work, etc. etc.) I have become a different person in the last six months and continue to make marked improvements in myself. I have given my her almost six months to decide what she wants, one day it's us. The next day she doesn't know again. I feel strongly she still is seeing or has strong feelings for tom. So for my sanity I will be filing soon unless she starts to make some kind of effort into rebuilding our marriage. We still have sex and she still is affectionate at times, I believe just to string me along. The rollercoaster has to stop somewhere.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Just so ya'll know... it's not all the women that do it. I'm getting the same treatment from my husband, except he won't even leave the bed, much less the house. He's claiming we are over, doesn't want me, but won't LEAVE. ugh... and I still love the dope.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Thanks guys.

I know I need to just keep it moving, and focus on me and my child. But dammit, I crave companionship. I can't picture myself not being with someone. 

My life is at a standstill. In the 10 months, I have not gotten my own apartment (currently living with family), haven't gotten another car (since she took the one we shared) and I still haven't filed for divorce (in NY, you have to be separated a year first). The only variables were the women I dated and weekends with my daughter.

She's really no better off; living with her mom, well, she's got the car, at least. And she hasn't filed for divorce, either. But still, she's not depressed over our situation. She's enjoying her life. Why can't I???

Sirch, do you really think you can throw in the towel when the six month deadline approaches? Will you really be able to accept that she doesn't want you anymore? Don't you reflect on all the things that made you fall in love with her and wonder what happened, and if you could somehow fix it? Isn't that worth all the time in the world?

Yup, my wife blamed the whole thing on me, too. Like you said, there's two sides. I wasn't perfect. I, too fell into a funk (which I'm self-diagnosing as depression). I withdrew often, for weeks at a time sometimes. So I'm guilty of neglect and by association, emotional abuse. 

But two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating is inexcusable. 

And I tried, I mean, I TRIED to be and do all the things she wanted me to, but she never really gave me a fair shot. She never noticed how much better I was dealing with things, how I fought the urge to withdraw into my shell, how I tried to be more communicative. No, she only noticed when I failed to do those things.

From 2005-2008, we had many ups and downs until she made the decision she was through. Of course, I didn't know until July '08, but she had been going about her business since Dec '07, maybe longer. I thought everything was great. She would tell me she loved me, and I would say it back. Just the normal routine for married couples, right? You have a problem, you get mad, you get over it, have sex and move on, right? Riiiiiight...

Anyway, er... did you say you guys are still having SEX?! That certainly adds a few loops to the coaster. Sex with my wife was awesome, every time. In fact, when we went drinking that day, she said, "you taught me everything I know about sex. we should do it again for old time's sake". She was kidding. I was crushed.

I think I need to consider therapy. I've been there, but it was for couples counselling. And obviously, it didn't work, which is why I'm skeptical to give it another go.

But I'm really stressing myself out pining for lost love. And like I said, my life is stuck in time.

They say success is the best revenge. Maybe if I got my sh*t together, she would see something in me that she couldn't before. Maybe she would see the strong, stable, intelligent and handsome dude she fell in love with again!

Riiiiiight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

melancholyman said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I know I need to just keep it moving, and focus on me and my child. But dammit, I crave companionship. I can't picture myself not being with someone.


This is why you are stuck. You believe that having a companion will make you feel better. You have it backwards. Feel better, then you will be ready for a companion.



melancholyman said:


> My life is at a standstill. In the 10 months, I have not gotten my own apartment (currently living with family), haven't gotten another car (since she took the one we shared) and I still haven't filed for divorce (in NY, you have to be separated a year first). The only variables were the women I dated and weekends with my daughter.


Are you struggling with depression, or is your inaction a result of your wanting to avoid dealing with separating from your wife?



melancholyman said:


> She's really no better off; living with her mom, well, she's got the car, at least. And she hasn't filed for divorce, either. But still, she's not depressed over our situation. She's enjoying her life. Why can't I???


This one was tough for me. It is no longer your responsibility, job, or business, with how she makes decisions to conduct her life.

What are you trying to hang on to? Your relationship was about as dysfunctional as a relationship can get. You are in love with a serial cheater.

Focus on what is good for you. Be selfish. Don't consistently remind yourself of what is good about her ... in time you can choose to forgive her, but for now ... remind yourself of the depth and extent of the betrayal. 'Good' people don't steamroll others to satisfy their own needs.



melancholyman said:


> Yup, my wife blamed the whole thing on me, too. Like you said, there's two sides. I wasn't perfect. I, too fell into a funk (which I'm self-diagnosing as depression). I withdrew often, for weeks at a time sometimes. So I'm guilty of neglect and by association, emotional abuse.
> 
> But two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating is inexcusable.


She was never truly invested in _fixing_ things, not when she could justify blaming you for her behavior. Had you done absolutely everything right ... nothing would be different. She made choices for her, not for the marriage.

If you suspect depression, see a doc, get a prescription. If you believe that your depression is severe - tell someone, then they can take you to the doctor and assure that you get a prescription and treatment plan.



melancholyman said:


> And I tried, I mean, I TRIED to be and do all the things she wanted me to, but she never really gave me a fair shot. She never noticed how much better I was dealing with things, how I fought the urge to withdraw into my shell, how I tried to be more communicative. No, she only noticed when I failed to do those things.






melancholyman said:


> Sex with my wife was awesome, every time. In fact, when we went drinking that day, she said, "you taught me everything I know about sex. we should do it again for old time's sake". She was kidding. I was crushed.


You know what? It probably won't be the last time she throws that carrot out there, and she will do so for only one reason - to determine if she can still manipulate you.



melancholyman said:


> I think I need to consider therapy. I've been there, but it was for couples counselling. And obviously, it didn't work, which is why I'm skeptical to give it another go.


You _need_ to be in therapy. This is about you, not you and her.



melancholyman said:


> But I'm really stressing myself out pining for lost love. And like I said, my life is stuck in time.


You're pining because it medicates the pain. It isn't real. It isn't recoverable, not with her. Once you can reconcile that she _chose_ to hurt you, and _chose_ to blame you for making her hurt you, and will continue to hurt you for as long as you allow - you can do what is right for you. Let her go. Stop giving her power.



melancholyman said:


> They say success is the best revenge. Maybe if I got my sh*t together, she would see something in me that she couldn't before. Maybe she would see the strong, stable, intelligent and handsome dude she fell in love with again!
> 
> Riiiiiight.


Do those things because they will make you healthy, functional, and invariably desirable to someone _else_, not the person that betrayed you, manipulated you, and harmed you.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Melonchaly, yes I am ready to throw that towel. Now don't get me wrong, if she turns around and really makes an effort to for reconciliation then no. But untill then she is making her own bed, she actually thinks (i believe) that i'm going to wait around like a lost puppy and that i'm going to be here when her fling goes south. Well not me, she is a serial cheater just like your wife and I will not take anymore. There will be no more of me to fall back on when the grass needs cutting, the pool is broke or anything else for that matter. I know in my heart and head that I have given this my best effort and I will leave with my head high and no regrets. Take all the advice you get here friend and start your exit plan......


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I felt REALLY sad for you when you said your ex was "the best thing that ever happened to you???" Based on how you describe her behaviour I'd say the best thing that ever happened to you was her leaving you. You don't see it now but it will and does get better. I along with many other people here are living proof of that. I was devastated when my ex left me but am mostly over it now and have come to accept the pending divorce. Learn to love yourself first. Screw your ex. Well, you know what I mean. Business like when it comes to children and make it clear she and you are a done deal!!!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude! You've got to go cold turkey!! Seriously! No contact. That's the only you can begin to heal. CHANGE your locks! Do not answer phone calls, emails, text messages. 

I've been where you are. It HAS to stop. Do NOT be her fallback.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Deejo said:


> This is why you are stuck. You believe that having a companion will make you feel better. You have it backwards. Feel better, then you will be ready for a companion.


I've heard that from just about everyone I've spoken to. They can't understand why I'm spending time and money on women who I honestly feel nothing for, all the while sinking in depression over a cheating, vindictive and uncaring wife. I'm laying off the dating for a while, though, so I guess it's sinking in.



> Are you struggling with depression, or is your inaction a result of your wanting to avoid dealing with separating from your wife?


Little of both? I have good and bad days emotionally, but a large part of my inaction is because I'm still holding onto a shred of hope that she might change her mind, even though she's repeatedly told me she wants the divorce. I mean, she's excited, can't wait for it to happen! Which begs the question, "if she wanted it so bad, why isn't _she_ filing?"



> It is no longer your responsibility, job, or business, with how she makes decisions to conduct her life.


I know. I can't help but care, though.



> What are you trying to hang on to? Your relationship was about as dysfunctional as a relationship can get. You are in love with a serial cheater.
> 
> Don't consistently remind yourself of what is good about her... remind yourself of the depth and extent of the betrayal. 'Good' people don't steamroll others to satisfy their own needs.


Y'know, when I do remind myself how she betrayed me, it just makes me more depressed knowing my neglect started all this. She wouldn't have done what she did if I hadn't sunk into depression and withdrew from her. 

I understand two wrongs don't make a right, but there is cause, and there is effect. And I'm the cause. There's no getting around that.



> She was never truly invested in _fixing_ things, not when she could justify blaming you for her behavior. Had you done absolutely everything right ... nothing would be different. She made choices for her, not for the marriage.


Hmm, funny. I was chatting with a female friend on yahoo messenger the other day and she basically told me the same thing. But then, why hadn't she cheated on me before, in all our 15 years...? That's a long time to wait to unleash some vaulted behavior. 



> You know what? It probably won't be the last time she throws that carrot out there, and she will do so for only one reason - to determine if she can still manipulate you.


So then I shouldn't take her to the concert I planned on taking her to on Father's Day? 

We never had a family portrait taken of us, so on Father's Day, we were going to get that done. And then I was going to surprise her with concert tickets to her favorite performer. 

<damn, that's pathetic>



> You're pining because it medicates the pain. It isn't real. It isn't recoverable, not with her. Once you can reconcile that she _chose_ to hurt you, and _chose_ to blame you for making her hurt you, and will continue to hurt you for as long as you allow - you can do what is right for you. Let her go. Stop giving her power.


deejo, you are going to make me cry. You know how you kinda know what you should be doing, and everyone tells you what you should be doing, but you go ahead and do the opposite? It's a destructive pattern, and I know that everything you said in that last passage I quoted is spot on, but dammit if I can't get off this damned train. What will it f**king take?!


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hi all and good morning i feel after reading these posts im going to offer some advice that may help i have been where you are and am still living it day to day.i have also been seperated from my wife about 10 months and yes it has been very tough ups and downs on a daily basis i have been in all your situations and more. all i can do to help is to speak from my experiance please take care of yourselves first. then you all will realize that you dont need anyone to take care of you then you will be able to enter into other relationships should you chose to do so. like i said i have been seperated for about 10 months and i have just recently met a very wonderful person whom i have been sharing alot of my time with. nothing serious as of yet and i know what you feel when you say you want conpanionship i have been there also be strong take care of yourself first things will get better i promise 

god bless

CPT


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

1nurse - I would love nothing more than to screw my ex! And yeah, I guess that "best thing that ever happened to me" line is a bit defeatist. I imagine after enough time has passed and I am finally over her, that tune will change drastically.

How long has your divorce been pending? when did you realize that this was a good thing and finally found acceptance?

dcrim - cold turkey is impossible because we have a daughter, who is showing signs in school that she's being affected by our separation (already been suspended). She's now in therapy. In fact, the three of us have a session today. but beyond that, I'm not sure I could just cut my ex off like that. Can't just drop 15 years with a woman you adored and made you the happiest you'd ever been (well most of the 15 years). 

But I get what you're saying. I _am_ the fallback. She knows it and I know it. She knows that as long as she acts nice toward me, I'll give her money, help with the car (that she TOOK from me, and have to damn near BEG to use), do just about anything she needs or wants, and she doesn't have to do a damned thing in return. [sarcasm]And why should she have to, right? She's the wife, mother of our daughter, and she did me a huge favor by not taking me to child support[/sarcasm] (let's not mention I pay more than what she would get in child support and when we're divorced, I'm going to have to pay it anyway, so yeah, a real favor...)


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

capt confused - care to share your story? oh, and thanks for the words of encouragement. glad to see you've met someone who is worth your time, and allowing you to focus on something other than the pain of your separation.

It's a good feeling, I know. I was with someone the past 5 months, but it ended because a) women can tell when you're still in love with someone else, and b) because I hadn't taken any action to improve my condition since the separation. 

And you know what? She's right. I need to get my affairs in order. Get settled, get divorced and get on with my life. Only then can I be ready for a relationship.

this is basically what you've all been saying, right?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

MM, you are not "the cause" of her cheating; you are PART of the cause of the problems in the marriage. Her decision to cheat was ALL hers, and she was 1/2 the cause of the problems in the marriage. Try not to take full responsibility, b/c it isn't yours!! 

She is not the person you thought she was, obviously. But that is b/c you had probably vested her with what you NEEDED and didn't bother to see what she really WAS. She might actually be a very decent person, but your neediness obscured HER strengths and weaknesses. Grow a spine, put yourself and your child FIRST, and quit looking for someone else to help you feel good about yourself, or you'll just be making the same mistake all over again. (I'm just putting what Deejo said in harsher terms, for the shock effect. I don't actually think that about you, although I do think that about my S2BX, who is also stuck where you are). 

Right now you are wallowing in self-pity and despair, and yeah, you REALLY need individual counseling. Marriage counseling didn't work, probably b/c 1. she didn't want it to; and 2. you can't fix a marriage while you are still "broken" (not whole). 

I'm more in your wife's position than not, although I told my husband we were done when i realized I was likely to cheat--before anything happened. I was afraid of that for a long time b/c our relationship wasn't very good and sex was either unsatisfying (a number of years) or non-existent (the last couple of years). But I believed my husband was "incapable" of doing any better, and I tried so hard for a long time to work with what he seemed to be--like, choosing to continue in a relationship with a spouse who became disabled. When he "rocked the boat" and started to try to get more sex, I realized I could never have sex with him again but I really, really could not stay in a sexless marriage, and then I began to want sex again, and . . . well, I told him we were done. 

I agreed to stay in the same house with him and to delay filing only under the condition that we began to have an open marriage. Otherwise, I would have been out the same day I told him--I wasn't willing to give one more minute of my life to his neediness and dependency. I had told him repeatedly throughout our marriage that he needed to work on his low self-esteem and negative thinking, but of course he didn't. Now he's miserable and stuck in the "denial" stage--he simply "can't understand" why I won't "give him a chance." Well, he had 20 years of chances to act like an adult and cherish me as the wife he was supposed to love, but he chose to treat me like his mother, ignoring nearly everything that I told him was important to me (and KNOWINGLY doing so). I cannot feel the least bit guilty about that part of it now, although I do feel guilty for having married him in the first place, b/c then I had low self-esteem and thought no one else would ever want me. 

Leaving, for me, was about being willing to BE ALONE rather than living in such an unfulfilling relationship. I'm actually excited to be planning on having my own place, to have some weekends without the kids--I of course love them dearly, but I'm "on duty" 24/7 in our household b/c they don't trust their dad to do things for them, he is so half-assed about things, and he knows that, too. So I'll get some time to myself--god, I cannot even imagine what that will be like! 

If any of this helps you understand your wife's perspective, then great. She chose to cheat, however, so she's not facing reality, either, and may be in a very different "place" than me. Cut her loose, limit all contact to what is necessary b/c you share a child/children, and get the counseling you need to be completely happy on your own. This is a tremendous gift, and in a bizarre way you probably will eventually be 100% grateful for the divorce, finding true happiness in yourself. Best of luck!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

In your first post you say she is the best thing to ever happen to you...
wow... if thats true I'd hate to see the worst !!!

Do yourself a favor and stop having sex with her. The reasons for this are in the dozens. Do everything in your power to get your head on straight and stop confusing lust with love.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

sisters359 - I don't know who you think you're fooling... YOU ARE MY WIFE!!!

But seriously, the way you felt like you couldn't pander to his neediness, dependency and negative attitude... that's EXACTLY what my wife was feeling during my withdrawals. 

Except, she wasn't always on duty. She was always more outgoing than me, so even before the problems began, she would go out while I was home with the baby. We had great sex when I wasn't being an a**hole and withdrawing from her. Sex was probably the best aspect of our relationship and I'm probably missing that moreso than anything else. Sex with other women since our separation just hasn't measured up. 

Anyway, I said the same things as your husband, " I don't understand", "you never gave me a chance" (and I still rightly believe that), but damn, just hits like a ton of rocks when you read it back to yourself.

I NEEDED my wife. Just to be there, really. Not to do anything special for me. Because I felt like I would never be able to get anyone again. She's an attractive woman, so she never had any low self-esteem, except after she had our daughter and I would withdraw from her because I was unhappy with her weight. God, I was so f**king immature.

Anyway, there's not more I can say. You have nearly perfectly summed up my wife, my marriage, and my current mental state. I'm copying and pasting your post, and putting it in my documents where it will always be there to remind what went wrong, and to put me in the right mindstate when I start feeling like I can't do any better (which is... all the time).

Thanks so much for yours and everyone's support. I really feel a little more empowered every time I come to this forum.

P.S. we met up today to do a therapy session with our daughter, and at first sight, I was again smitten. We went on as if we were still happily married (minus any physical intimacy, of course) and I wondered if _she_ ever thought about trying again. But by the end of the session, I found myself thinking, "I WILL get over her". 

You guys are right, once I've focused on putting my affairs in order and finalizing (or even starting) the divorce process, I think I can actually find some peace with this. She's still really looking forward to it, and (today at least) I'm not beating myself up over it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If anything I've said has been helpful, I'm glad. I'm so sorry you have to go through such a painful lesson, but I know you will be happier on the other side of your learning journey. How do I know? Because I had to go on such a journey myself at one time. There is honestly nothing more wonderful than feeling completely confident in, and comfortable with, yourself. And if it wasn't for sex, I probably wouldn't consider being with anyone else! At least, not at this point in my life. But boy, sex is one powerful drive, esp. after having that drive suppressed for so long. And I cannot help but think, "Damn, some lucky guy is going to get himself an AMAZING prize: me!!"  

Now, if I can just get legally free and find that lucky guy!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, Sisters359...I'm ready to commit!  That's what I want, too...

Will you marry me?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Ok, Sisters359...I'm ready to commit!  That's what I want, too...
> 
> Will you marry me?


Sorry, Big Guy, but I said I wanted SEX, not marriage!! Geez, what is it with you men? That's the third proposal since I posted the above!!  

Oh, wait, it was the mention of SEX, wasn't it? Duh. And I thought you just wanted ME. ;0


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

OK! I PROMISE SEX!!  All you can handle! Every day, all night! I promise I will wear you out!  

Yes, I DO want YOU!  

The 3rd?? Well I promise to make it good!


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hey melon if you want my story please click on me avatar and read till your hearts content but i must forewarn you its like a jerry springer episode so hold on to your hat.


CPT


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