# For those that have had more than one DD with the same AP....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I had a little trigger on the weekend..I was watching some show and it talked about how this woman was cheating on her husband with a maried man. Her H found out and she promised she would not see him again..however the married woman and her married lover could not stay away from each other so they resumed their A.

This made me trigger because my first thought was they couldn't stay away from each other..that they had such strong feelings for each other, etc. etc. THen my mind went to H and his OW and how I was told back in Oct. 2011 that their EA was done, it was a mistake...fast forward to April 2012 when I discovered that the whole time they were still in contact. 

This was one of the things that bothered me especially for those in our family that knew about the situation..were they thinking the same thing...that H and his OW must have really had strong feelings for each other they could not stop contacting each other...that is what I would be thinking...


It must add to the excitment for these BS and their AP...the illicitness of it all.


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

You are never going to understand the fog, unless you yourself decide to go down that dark road. I gave up on trying to understand my stbxw's affairs. It consumed me at first, and bordered on a obsession. It took me finally letting go and hitting the 180 for it's intended purpose before I saw the self destructive way that trying to understand her affairs was killing me. I had discovered the first A, and had solid evidence, but attempted to get her to come back to the table and work on things. She was gun ho at first about keeping the OM as "a friend"(should have walked then) and then began a false R to cover up her tracks. I was a step ahead and discovered in keeping her honest that she had a long term >10 year long distance ea/pa at the same time as the other ea/pa. It was this which had me finally wake the f' up. That and some coaxing from the TAM posters. So now I am working out the details of my divorce. I couldn't ever trust her again. I learned the most valuable piece from this whole thing is not why or how they cheat, but what am I going to do about it. Congrats on the R, but regrettably you will never understand what the draw to the A is without walking in those dead end shoes. It's kind of like death that way. You don't know what happens once you die unless you do it yourself, but I would like to remain alive just the same


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Agree with Raised garden, 

I think it's the love of the forbidden more than the love of the AP... 

The researchers call this the “forbidden fruit hypothesis,” based upon previous research that has demonstrated that people find things more desirable when they off-limits or forbidden. There’s something in human nature that wants what it can’t have. (Or perhaps we can have it, but with serious consequences.)

This hypothesis is consistent with another psychological theory called the “ironic process model.” This model suggests that suppressing thoughts about something will lead that thing to become even more salient. The more we try and not to think about something, the more we think about it. 

The Forbidden Fruit in Relationships | World of Psychology


----------



## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

highwood said:


> This was one of the things that bothered me especially for those in our family that knew about the situation..were they thinking the same thing...that H and his OW must have really had strong feelings for each other they could not stop contacting each other...that is what I would be thinking....


Former WS here. I had two ddays.

I'm wont get into the validity or reallity of the feelings, but in my mind at the time, the feelings were strong and seemed very real. After dday#1, I can only decribe it as being torn away from someone. I was not prepared for the feelings of withdrawl that came and eventually broke NC.

Dday #2 was of my doing. I could no longer continue to live like that nor could I continue to put my wife through any of this. I finally made a decision to stop and confess. And making the decision is the key here. Just like any addiction or poor lifestyle chioce, the WS has to make the choice to do the right thing.



> It must add to the excitment for these BS and their AP...the illicitness of it all.


Perhaps for some, the excitement is what they are after. Not me. I always dreaded the feeling of knowing this could blow up in my face at any moment. I hated the illicit nature and lived in fear.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

my wife told me after i found out she had broken contact repeatedly after DDAY 2 that it seemed as if a part of her had been torn away, and i was the cause.
how fvcked up is that?
she has since come to realize the error in her thinking and has accepted responsibility.
but i can see, that there is NO WAY, after carrying on and investing in someone for 2 years (in my wifes case), that there would not or could not be some serious emotional bonding. even though it is based in lies and half-truths.
and triggers? yeah i got em. i will walk out of the room or change the channel or simply turn the television off if a show contains any sort of infidelity. the way it is glamorized sickens me.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think that often they do have very strong feelings for their AP. I absolutely am convinced my STBXH did. I can't think why else he would risk his marriage twice with the same person over an almost 30 year period.

We will just never figure out why people do what they do. Maybe they really are in love with the other person. Maybe not.

Triggers will always be there. Acknowledge them and then dismiss them. Because you will never know.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

true.
and i dont really care to know.
OM obviously wasnt good enough, so here we are.
life goes on.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Highwood you will always have triggers, You cannot turn on the TV with out stumbling on to them. I am still avoiding movies that have the central theme around cheating. It is hard to get away from. 

I am sure I will never understand what my wife was feeling during the fog. Yes I am sure she thought she was in love with him but it was more that she was in love with have a relationship that had no issues, like money, taxes, kids, home repairs, broken down cars. 

It is all goin go to be on how you deal with these triggers moving forwards. Sometimes I can see them coming and I am OK and then other times I still struggle


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes, I had that happen to me. How my WW described it. “I just wanted someone to make me happy.” Honestly, that is the truth. A couple of her issues is needing external validation and refusal to accept personal responsibility. 

This OM; Like most OM’s and EA’s, told her wonderful things about herself. He was the escape from looking in the mirror... she liked what he saw her like a lot more than what I saw.... 

I destroyed that fantasy they created about her by just being factual... Who does she see in the mirror? And she’d parrot back the OM’s words; the reflection in his eyes was her mirror (she did actually admit that finally).... She liked how he saw her and did not like how I saw her.

It didn’t really end until I reached a point that I no longer cared and she didn’t get anything back good from me. She became a non-person of disgust in my eyes. Totally polar opposite perceptions between the OM and me. And that drove her to look in the mirror and start judging herself to rectify who she really was....


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

****This right here ------>"I am sure I will never understand what my wife was feeling during the fog. Yes I am sure she thought she was in love with him but it was more that she was in love with have a relationship that had no issues, like money, taxes, kids, home repairs, broken down cars." 

Pretty much sums it up for almost any kind of affair, a escape from whatever dark shadow people hide from. 

It's all about making oneself feel good but it comes at the torture of the other. No way any of it can end well except for the broken heart person who finds healing down the road.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Nothing lasting comes from deceit. The laws of the universe, matter, physics and energy even prove that.  There is order, period. Disorder and dishonor begets the same. Even if they continue in their states of illusion and delusion, they inevitably self destruct before or after a divorce or agree to keeping up appearances despite the hell hole they create to live in. 

Once the masks are taken off and they fully have each other to deal with day and night, "forbidden fruit" becomes rotten, boring fruit. The laws guarantee it. 

Take some comfort in knowing that, keep your head up high.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

highwood said:


> I had a little trigger on the weekend..I was watching some show and it talked about how this woman was cheating on her husband with a maried man. Her H found out and she promised she would not see him again..however the married woman and her married lover could not stay away from each other so they resumed their A.
> 
> This made me trigger because my first thought was they couldn't stay away from each other..that they had such strong feelings for each other, etc. etc. THen my mind went to H and his OW and how I was told back in Oct. 2011 that their EA was done, it was a mistake...fast forward to April 2012 when I discovered that the whole time they were still in contact.
> 
> ...


Highwood:

Maybe I can help. For me it was the ego stroking and the sex that allowed me to go back to my negative behaviors. 

None of it, in my case, had anything to do with my wife or who she was, what she looked like or how she treated me. I truly don't even know who I was while I was acting out that way. 

I regret it. It was not worth losing my wife. But I don't think I realized that until I lost her. 

We are meeting and talk again, and I am hopeful we can remarry someday. 

The bottom line is I always loved my wife and never wanted a divorce. 

In psychology they would say that it is compartmentalization, or disassociation, or compulsions that enable a person to behave as I did, without thinking heeding the possible consequences. 

I do think this needs to be addressed in counseling for your husband. He, not you needs counseling to address this part of him.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Highwood:
> 
> Maybe I can help. For me it was the ego stroking and the sex that allowed me to go back to my negative behaviors.
> 
> ...


Yes I understand what you are saying..H had said to me after DD#2..he awkwardly said "it had nothing to do with you"..and in a way I kind of get what he meant by that. I think the ego stroking is what he was chasing...I think he was able to separate in his mind his marriage and what he was doing online with this person. Plus in his case with it being a long distance EA he felt safe doing this online.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

highwood said:


> Yes I understand what you are saying..H had said to me after DD#2..he awkwardly said "it had nothing to do with you"..and in a way I kind of get what he meant by that. I think the ego stroking is what he was chasing...I think he was able to separate in his mind his marriage and what he was doing online with this person. Plus in his case with it being a long distance EA he felt safe doing this online.


If it was an EA, he may not have felt in his foggy brain that it was even an affair. To him it may have been just a silly ego feeding flirtation. 

He needs to understand how harmful crossing such a boundary is. I hope he does.


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

It's not the fact that they had strong feelings for each other at all, as another poster said, it's more about the whole chasing, secrets, the fact that it's forbidden etc which kind of makes it more exciting. Because if there actually WERE strong feelings, why is that only 3% of affair partners stay together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

