# Where do people draw the line from an EA to a PA?



## bellawhite (Jan 22, 2013)

I hope my question makes sense, but like, why don't some people turn an EA to a PA? Why do they keep it only emotional, if you are already doing wrong, why doesn't it go all the way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Theres several reasons, some of it is distance, reconnecting with an old high school friend, but there 1000 miles away.
Some of it is about just being able to vent to someone willing to listen, or is listening to someone that makes them feel better. But there not really wanting to cheat, it eventually becomes PA if the issues aren't addressed thou.

The problem is most of the EA are unintentional in my opionion, but because almost everyone has communication issues (lets face it, its not a subject were ever taught), through neglect of dealing with it, it evolves and rears its ugly head. Once that path is crossed once, it becomes easier and easier to cross again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EAs are about weak boundaries, so no one is intending to have a PA.

EAs are sometimes about the one or the other AP getting attention without having "to put out."


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Thumper said:


> The problem is most of the EA are unintentional in my opionion...


I think some are, but most aren't. When people are turning away from their spouse and towards another it's usually intentional.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think a lot of people like the idea of staying in control...and not going to a PA probably feels like a merit badge to those who are sending out sonar pings toward their intended target and get a thrill that they may get a positive response...but staying at the E level makes some think that they have maintained their virtue. Of course, this is not everyone. I think many stick with EAs 'cos they are certified love addicts...get a thrill from being the "needed" one and being someone's knight in shining armor or muse. Also a PA, for some, is probably the dismantler of the EA construct that they prefer. Not to mention if there is some body image or sexual dysfunction issues.
ONS usually end in immediate regret (either that or the person is a seasoned sex addict)...while an EA is a slow build involving long periods of boundary testing a denial building. BY the time the EA is in full state...the participants have already been reorienting their emotional investment into the novel relationship, taking away from their committed relationship.


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## Snow cherry (Apr 24, 2013)

Well I will get blasted for this but I could see myself in an EA thinking that its only talking and as long as we don't flirt, date or physically touch then I am not in the wrong. My H thinks an EA is worse than a PA. I don't. But then I have a lot of ptsd symptoms that have messed with my natural feelings etc. There's a lot of feelings that I no longer feel. I think I'd only feel guilt in an EA if I bad mouthed my spouse or talked about really personal stuff. If I kept my conversations light and on the surface than no harm done. I guess the problem comes later when that no longer satisfies. Glad I haven't been in that situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ll play... Two EA’s and a bit of her LTPA:

My WW’s last affair... the EA. It was about insecurity. She was coming down off a LTPA that had started as a EA, then went PA, then devolved into bootycalls. One of her major fears (and complaints in our marriage) was being used for sex. She wanted to be ‘more than that’. And she by that point understood she was just being used and hated that. Enter the EA. An exboyfriend, whom she’d broken it off it because he was entirely to ‘sensitive’ and more of a girlfriend than a boyfriend. Basically, she knew she could tell him “no” and he’d just tolerate it. With him, she got to set the entire tone of that relationship and she wanted a best-buddy who told her how pretty she was, expressed desire and whatnot, but would respect her wishes and not leave her if she wouldn’t put out. 

An earlier EA. It was about eroding boundaries coupled with guilt and shame. She hated “those kinds of women”. So, she wasn’t going to go physical. Everything else is ok, and there was a progression of shifting that boundary line.. It was that physical part that turned it into an affair in her mind. The rest was just ‘playing around’ and ‘liking the attention’. Should also note a kiss every now again wasn’t a PA, nor was exchanging pics. So for my wife, it isn’t a PA until there is some sort of penetration and climax... 

According to her, it was that LTPA that was her first PA (I think that’s a lie btw). To do that, she needed ‘to hit bottom with me’... It started earlier in the week when a cousin died and I was “unsupportive” (didn’t know him, wife wasn’t close, etc.). I just didn’t handle it like she thought I should. Then, came the day she was let go from work (the next day). On her way home, she recognized that who she wanted to talk to about it wasn’t me, it was her EA at the time. He wanted to comfort her and buy her a drink. Rather than face me, and dreading me freaking out (we had two mortgages at the time), she went to his place to talk. ... She got drunk, he made his move, and so started the on and off relationship spanning the next year... 

I remember her being “off”, but as usual made excuses for her in my head about it being her grieving a loss and being pissed at me for not being supportive. Add to that, that she was planning a surprise b-day party for me that weekend. (Which later relieved me to figure out why she’d been so secretive)... Ugly memories now for me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Snow cherry said:


> Well I will get blasted for this but I could see myself in an EA thinking that its only talking and as long as we don't flirt, date or physically touch then I am not in the wrong. My H thinks an EA is worse than a PA. I don't. But then I have a lot of ptsd symptoms that have messed with my natural feelings etc. There's a lot of feelings that I no longer feel. I think I'd only feel guilt in an EA if I bad mouthed my spouse or talked about really personal stuff. If I kept my conversations light and on the surface than no harm done. I guess the problem comes later when that no longer satisfies. Glad I haven't been in that situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My STBXW has PTSD...and has often described her conscience to have been obliterated...and has a general numbness towards sentimentality. When she was in her EAs, it was about getting what she wanted...and very little about meeting someone else's need. But then she thought she could do this and stay in control...but to get the desired stimuli, she needed to invest more and more into it...losing the control that kept her life together.


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