# When to cut your losses and move on?



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Dear TAM members,

After some posts that I made in the past concerning issues with my SO, and listening to everyone's replies, I'm starting to wonder about my relationship. 

Quick refresher, I am in my late 20s and he is in his mid-late 40s. He is divorced with a 9-year old son, and I was never married and childless. His family, his friends, and his son are very kind and friendly to me. Also, no issues with the ex-wife, possibly because she is getting remarried later this year. My family isn't so sold on him, though, and encourage me to look elsewhere for someone more suited to be my future husband. They think he's a nice person, but not a good fit for me. My mother dislikes him altogether.

We've been together 1 year and 8 months. In the wake of my SO and I trying to figure out whether or not to get engaged and officially move in together, some issues came to light, which has caused some fights recently. There are some other things that he's said or mentioned before, but I'll just mention some of the more major things.

10 months into our relationship, I got failed from one of my internships in my last year of graduate school, and was in limbo for 3 months while my school decided whether to let me continue in my graduate program, or drop me. I was extremely stressed and worried at that time, and I admit I was leaning on my boyfriend a little more than I usually did. He wasn't all that supportive, instead, told me that I was becoming dependent on him and he needed space.

Then, one year into the relationship, there was the whole vacation issue last year, when he wanted to go party in some tropical island with his single/unhappily friends. When I pointed out that I wasn't comfortable with it, he accused me of treating him like a child and called me controlling, "just like his ex-wife", that he was going to go no matter what. He also said he NEEDED to get away from me, and his son.

He also seems like he wants to act "cool" around his friends (one friend in particular), doing things like pointing out "hot lesbians", saying how he wanted to live in Thailand for all the "hot, willing girls and awesome nightclubs", and he kept pestering his friend to take a vacation together (saying he needed to get out of the country), even when his friend kept telling him he couldn't afford it.

After that, we were okay for a few months, and I thought for the first time, we may actually make it, that he was actually open to making a change for the better of the relationship, as was I. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him back in October, since my new job is very close to where he lives. I agreed, if only to save myself a terrible commute every morning/evening. Since I was staying in his house rent-free for awhile, I helped him out by making him dinner, buying groceries and supplies, and helped him with cleaning the house.

Recently, he forgot to send me a text that he said he would, and I was having a bad day (new job stresses). Admittedly, maybe I took it more seriously than I should have, but I just asked him what happened to his text. He got angry and said I was too needy and rigid and needed to realize that he gets too busy to text me sometimes. I got really angry that he called me that, and said so to him, telling him I wouldn't put up with that. He just got up and walked away, saying he didn't want to hear it anymore. He thinks he was just being honest and didn't do anything wrong (he said "it's not like I called you a b**ch or anything"). I told him I would appreciate it if he was honest and focused on HIS feelings instead of always turning it around on me.

He also called me needy because I wanted to know where we were headed after a year of dating. He can't understand why I can't just "let it be", and that he does things on his own time. He blames his past relationship failures almost exclusively on his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriends, and I like to see that people learn from their mistakes (including me). He is not a very affectionate person, and I am, which has caused issues. He doesn't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have, and admitted that he was the kind of person who just lets things be until something goes wrong (ie he doesn't regularly maintain things, including his car and this relationship). He hardly ever initiates sex (though is responsive) and rarely likes to talk when he gets home from work.

He's also scoffed at his boss for being "whipped" once because he brings his wife to company events, when nobody else brings their SO / spouses.

I honestly don't think I'm needy. I have a full-time job, I leave him alone when he wants to spend alone time with his son and his family/friend, I'm used to being independent so I do my own thing when he's unavailable. I never make a big stink if he has to watch his son on a day we are spending together. If he wants to go after work to play some sports and unwind once a week, I don't mind at all. 

I admit I do have a little bit of trust issues with him, because he acts like he's doing me a favor by being honest with me. He's said things like "I could just lie to you like I had to with some of my ex-girlfriends" and "I could have just lied about where I'm going for vacation". That, and he was always a little too close with one of his female coworkers, though he has cut off contact with her outside of work. He says that we're not married, so he doesn't see why he should have to give up doing what he wants, when he wants.

All I want him to do is pay a little attention to me, show me a little love every now and then, and would like him to shoot me a text or two during the day about how his day is going. I don't see how that's so wrong / needy! I admit I'm far from perfect, and I have my flaws, just like everybody in the world, but I'm always looking to learn from my mistakes and better myself. I told him I may not be perfect, but at least I always try, and I'm not afraid to admit when I can improve on something or when I'm wrong.

Now, I know I made him out to be a horrible person with this post, but he is very mild-mannered, funny, he tries to do things to make me happy, he's a good father, he's responsible, and he's a lot of fun. However, it seems like when he's upset, another side of him comes out. He's also very transparent with me. To be fair to him, we do spend 90% of our free time together (although now he is complaining about it and called me needy over it). He has his son twice a week on weekday evenings, and every other weekend (sometimes I go with them, sometimes I have my own plans). rarely sees his friends because most of them have their own full-time jobs and families to take care of, and do not live close by.

Why do I still hold on? Maybe it's because I don't like to give up easily and I try to exhaust all options before giving up. But lately, my family has been talking about moving across the country to California (my grandma doesn't like the cold weather in NY), and they asked me to go with them. I can get a job wherever I go, so that's not an issue. I also have other friends/family there, and since I suffer from allergies, my doctor thought it was a good idea for me to live in a sunny climate. 

If I move, I think that would be the end for my boyfriend and I, since he has his son here, he is unwilling to move away from him until he goes to college. 

Now I'm wondering if I would just do better to cut my losses and move on, or if I should try one more time to make this work. A part of me is also scared to move on, to start all over with somebody new, and go through all this again. I admit this is my first in-person relationship, so I don't always know how to behave or what a "normal" relationship should be like.

Anyway, long story over. Thanks again for reading this and giving your advice!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If your mother dislikes him altogether like you say, and other family members are discouraging you, you need to listen to them! If there is one thing I have learned through my broken relationships, your family knows best, they can see and sense things that you cannot. Between that and the things you have shown here, my opinion would be to cut your losses and let him go.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Trust your mother. She knows you better than anyone and she has been around long enough to see a snake in the grass.

Aside from her opinion, the things you say point to someone who minimizes your feelings and goals and who has little regard for your opinions. Also he seems immature if he's trying to act "cool" and speaks about women the way he does and plays mind games by telling you that he could lie and you'd never know. 

Many women here have heard that line about lies and all it does is make you crazy. Cut your losses. You are already walking on eggshells and thinking about how he will react to everything. You can't live like that forever.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'd be out of there like I was on fire. The bad things about him IMO outweigh the few good ones you mention. Your mom has good cause to dislike him, she can see him as he is without the romantic attachment you have. 

You are young, intelligent, no kids... girl you better go to California. You can do better than this guy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, please move on.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> You are young, intelligent, no kids... girl you better go to California. You can do better than this guy.


Bingo.

Here's what I see if you stay with this man (who is old enough to be your father- what's that about?). You'll be back on this board in a few years, only you'll be stuck. Married, maybe with a baby. Your husband has started acting secretive, deleting all his texts. He seems to always want you off balance. He doesn't communicate. He'd rather watch porn than have sex with you.

Be smarter than a lot of women have been. Don't ignore those flashing warning signs. Evaluate your relationship for what it's actually GIVING you, not for what it might POTENTIALLY be *if* this, this and this happens.

Go to Cali.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If this man wanted a real relationship he would be with a woman his own age. When a man is into you they crave being with you and don't see wanting to be together as "needy". He's just not that into you. All the signals are there. If my husband were talking about going to Thialand for easy sex with a buddy that in itself would be a deal breaker. So many red flags here. You deserve better.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are NOT to needy but you are too needy for HIM. 

Listen to him. He is clearly communicating his feelings.

Let him go.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

So sorry for the late response! Been swamped with work the last week (my company is merging with another and it's a huge clusterf*k) and barely had time to sit down and take a breather.

Just want to say first off, thanks so much for all your responses! I read through all of what you've had to say. Pretty much what I had suspected all along. It's really nice to hear some unbiased opinions.

Okay, well, let me give an update, and respond to whatever I can =)

Problem is right now, it is more convenient staying with my boyfriend, because he lives 10 minutes away from where I work (from my own house, my commute is 40 minutes, if there's no traffic. But I do live in NYC), so it makes me not want to claw my eyes out during the commute. I can also take public transportation, which saves me from having to pay $20 for parking for a day, or try to find parking around my job (which sucks). And it saves me money on rent.

As far as my boyfriend is concerned, I'd say about 80% of the time, he is mild and acts like a loving boyfriend, and at least tries to make me happy. It seems to me that when he gets mad, that's when all the gloves come off, especially when I point out something that he did that bothered me. And there is such a big gap between our arguments, that often times I just can't stay mad for long, especially with everything else I have going on with my job, my family, and now my best friend's wedding this summer.

I'm definitely planning on going to California...unfortunately, at this stage it's all talk right now and knowing my family, they're not leaving for another year or so. 

As far as the age difference, well, he looks much younger than his age and he takes good care of himself. Slightly less active than I am. I gave him a chance because it was my dad who told me to never dismiss somebody just because of their age (well, to a reasonable extent), or their ethnicity.

My mom dislikes him primarily because he is of a different ethnicity (he's Hispanic and I'm Asian), therefore, she says he is considered "lower" than we are (not my words, but hers). She also doesn't like the fact that he's a single, divorced dad. The rest of my family don't have a problem with him as a person, they just think I can do a lot better.

He sat down with me for a long talk over the weekend, and here's what went down...

He and I still don't see eye-to-eye on the separate vacation issue. He thinks it's okay to go away on long weekends with his buddy, not for any particular reason, but just to hang out and drink at bars all night. I told him that drinking at bars all night, for 4-5 days in a row, isn't healthy for himself or for the relationship. However, I made it clear that if he wanted to participate in activities with his buddy that was not harmful to the relationship, then I was all for it as long as he put couple time first, always. He used to go to places like Cancun, Costa Rica, Panama, etc with his friends and tells me I don't understand because it's "just what he always did in the past". Although he did say recently, that he no longer wanted to go on "party vacations", but instead still wants to take a short trip every year with his buddy. So we'll see about that.

Then again, I just don't understand why you would WANT to take a trip of that nature without your SO, unless there was some secret reason you don't want them there.

It also seems like we can never agree on how much time to spend together. He does spend a lot of time with me, but thinks that the reason why we have problems sometimes is that we see each other too much, when we are living together. We only see each other 1-2 hours a night, Friday evenings, and every other weekend. He asked me one day, "why do you always go out alone/with your friends/family on days where I'm with my son? Can't you just think to give me one weekend alone?" and "Is it because you know what I'm doing when I'm with my son? You don't trust me to have a weekend alone?" I told him just the fact that he asked me that last part made it clear why I trust him less than I used to. 

I also asked him, if having so much freedom and space is of such paramount importance to you, and you seem like you just want to do whatever you want, whenever you want, then why did you agree to get married and have a child the first time around?? I pretty much told him I had lost a good amount of trust and respect for him since those incidents. He backed down and promised he would prove to me that I could trust and respect him. I went along with it...if he's truly committed to changing, great (not expecting it). If not, then I'm off to California with my family when they're ready to leave.

So, there's my update. I know it's long, but if you took the time to read through it, thank you again


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Just to add: Wonder a little bit if part of this is my fault? I did start staying with him about 3-4 days a week since about 7-8 months into our relationship. I kept getting internships that were near his house, so I just found it easier on myself to stay with him. Did I "move in" too soon? Everytime I make mention of his behavior to him, he just says "maybe we see each other too much".

I feel like he just goes through the motions, sometimes. On another note, he has seemed annoyed with his son at some points, even though he only sees his son 2-3 hours twice a week, and every other Saturday / Sunday, and to my knowledge has never been excited to see him. Not sure if that is related at all but I thought it was worth pointing out.


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