# Too far gone?



## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi everyone.

This is my first post here, and I have only been on the forums a day or so, so please bear with me. I don't understand alot of the acronyms yet 

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 4 years now. We started dating when we were 16, and we are now both 24.

I didn't understand why getting married young was a bad thing for a long time. It just didn't compute for me, but now I understand. My wife has changed. We had a son in november of last year, and since just before that time she hasn't been the same person. We used to have a healthy-ish (in my opinion) relationship and sex life, but everything has gone downhill. I will start by saying that my love language is undoubtably affection. That's how I show it, and that's how I need to be shown. After she got pregnant, we had 1 amazing night maybe 3 months into the pregnancy, and nothing since. She still does it "for me", but just lies there and treats it like it's a chore. I don't enjoy it anymore, and I usually don't even bring it up. We used to have sex about twice a week, now it's more like once a month if that.

I don't feel like she loves me anymore. She never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or anything of the sort. We don't talk anymore. I try to strike up a conversation and she just says "uh huh" and "ok", never adding anything in or engaging in any way. We used to talk about everything. My mind is always active and I LOVE being asked questions about philosophy or science, or even just talking about it in general. She used to always engage in those conversations, but she doesn't anymore. 

I am not sure what happened or why, but this has been going on about 2 years now, and I think I have fallen out of love with her. The passion is gone for sure, and I don't find myself ever thinking that I still love her. The spark that used to be there is gone. She loves me, and I know it, because one night I was walking out the door for good, and she cried and begged me to stay. because of that, I stayed, and hoped it would get better. It didn't. 

We have been to counseling. We went for 6 weeks, and it helped for a week or so, but everything just went back to normal afterwords. I know it's normal for a relationship to fall on the backburner after the birth of a child, but I feel like she doesn't even care anymore, and I don't feel loved. I don't want my son to grow up in a broken family, but I also don't want him growing up thinking this kind of relationship is normal. I want to be with my wife, I want to be in love with her again, but she isn't trying. I told her all of this, and she asked me to give her a list of things that she needs to start doing. I did, and she hasn't done anything differently. It's clear she wants to try and fix it, but doesn't have the willpower or followthrough, and she thinks everything just goes away with the new day.

What should I do? Should I leave her, or stay in this relationship and just accept that it's loveless and I'm stuck? I should also add that I greatly care about my wife, and I don't want to hurt her in any way.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> This is my first post here, and I have only been on the forums a day or so, so please bear with me. I don't understand alot of the acronyms yet
> 
> ...


To her your being needy and it's not attractive. Your going to have to get more self centered and worry about yourself. Don't want or expect any of those physical touch needs to be met by the spouse. There are other ways to meet those needs without cheating.

It's going to be on her to choose you. you can't explain it to her, she has to be attracted to you to do it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

DS,

Welcome. While your situation seems dire the fact is that you have a very firm grip on the reality of your situation. You also appear to have a great deal of humility and that can go a long way when you find yourself in the circumstances that surround you.

I will get the perfunctory advise out of the way. Go online and download Married Man Sex Life and begin to implement the 180 and the MAP. 

Be very honest with your wife. Let her know that one week of change is not honest change. Get the 5 Languages of Love and have her read it. Talk about it and press forward. If she shows no interest in these things, does not respond to the 180 then you will likely have to really move out to help her see the light. She may or may not but if not at least you will be well on your way to some peace of mind and happiness.

By the way you are spot on about your concern for your child.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you told her how you feel?


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

Communicate, take the love languages quiz together and then start working on giving hers.
All of life is changes, the question is if you can and will change to suit her new reality, and will she do the same for you?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Ditto what RClawson said above. 

Question for you -- What is HER love language and are you fulfilling that language? 

For me, I like words of affirmation. I want to be complimented. My boyfriends LL is affection; just like you. If he doesn't compliment me, no nookie! Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't need to be complimented every day and all the time. Just every once in a while that he acknowledges something I did or how I look. I want to be appreciated and not taken for granted. It makes me feel good and sexy and he get's lucky!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Could she be suffering from a low level post-partum depression? That would account for the lack of energy and enthusiasm to follow through on things.


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you all for your thoughts and responses. I really appreciate your thoughts, R, and I will definately give that a try. I hadn't thought of that. I think I am trying to fix our marriage ourself when there isn't really anything I can do without her help. You're right that she needs to work on it, too, it can't just be me. Thound., yes, I have talked to her. She told me to give her a list of things I want to change, I did, but I told her I felt like these things were all symptoms, not the disease.

Edit: Whoa! there were alot more responses since I typed this. Thank you all! Irishgirl, She is time together. I spend every waking moment with her and the baby, and she has never complained about it, because she has no reason to. The only time I'm away is when I'm working. I make sure that I give her what she wants, because I know what it feels like to go without. Married but happy, I have actually considered that for multiple reasons. She had no signs when the baby was first born, but about 6 months in she started treating him differently. She isn't a bad mom in general, but one time when she thought I was at work (I used to work overnight) she woke up with the baby, went into his room as he was crying, and yelled at him for waking her up. I suspected something before this, because she used to always send me text messages about how miserable she is because she has to wake up with our son in the middle of the night. On top of that, even to this day, she sometimes says "He's being a pain in the ass" and other things I can't imagine a mother saying about her child. I almost left her at that point, and it still really bothers me to this day.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Marriage is always imbalanced DS and sometimes giving 90% is ok but the 10% you get back better be damned good!


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

She isn't a bad mom in general, but one time when she thought I was at work (I used to work overnight) she woke up with the baby, went into his room as he was crying, and yelled at him for waking her up. I suspected something before this, because she used to always send me text messages about how miserable she is because she has to wake up with our son in the middle of the night. On top of that, even to this day, she sometimes says "He's being a pain in the ass" and other things I can't imagine a mother saying about her child. I almost left her at that point, and it still really bothers me to this day.[/QUOTE]


I have done this with my own children, I would bet she is going through depression. With my first child he didn't sleep through the night until 2 years old, I was up every couple of hours and sleep deprived.

When my son was around 10 months old and I was 23, I realized I needed help and it turned out to be full on depression and I have been on medication now for 22 years. I have an imbalance and I just had to realize that being on medication was the best thing for my family.

Having a baby can take a lot out of both parents and in my case I had to go and work a full time job and come home and start my second shift. I began to hate my life and all of the things that were making it so hard.

I would have her see a doctor, one she can be comfortable and honest with. You can go with her, however she might holdback on how she is really feeling.

I wish you the best.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your wife sounds like she's not coping. In my opinion, she might benefit from a parenting course. Not saying she's a bad parent, but when I was at a low point, it helped me feel like I was more in control of things, that I didn't have to be just reactive, I could be proactive. You could do it together.

As for the marriage, I know you've been advised to read some books already, but these are the ones that helped me with my marital issues:

1) His Needs, He Needs (your wife really needs to read this)
2) Getting the Love you Want, by H.Hendrix (this one has exercises in the back that I would bet your wife would be very keen to do with you)


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

No I do not think matters are too far gone.

You have had some good advice from others.

I would explore depression on her part. It sounds as though maybe motherhood is not quite what she expected. That can vary from person to person. Some babies are more of a challenge than others.

I would advise against having more children at present. If she is challenged by one, two will quite possibly be overwhelming.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Do Not Despair.

IMHO it is normal that things change when for first child comes alone (congratulations on that BTW). Becoming a parent for the first time is a steep learning curve for you both. No longer can you just give your free time, money and energy to each other as you have to see to the needs of your child.

I think that the key to restoring happiness and balance to the relationship you have with your wife is the 3C's.

Communication, Co-Operation and (the tricky one) Compromise.

If your wife is shouldering the bulk of the childcare (or feels she is) then she will obviously have less time and energy for you. Once between you a balanced routine can be found you will both have the resources (mental and physical) to devote to each other.

Try and set up a regular "date night", pay each other the attention you deserve. Do not let this issue fester the sooner you start regular maintenance of your relationship the greater the chances of a happy outcome.


N.B. Maturity has little to do with Age so do not get hung up on being young, it will not last.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm troubled by your comment about what kind of mother says her kid is a pain in the a$$. That suggests to me that you don't fully grasp what's involved in dealing with a baby full time, and that you're a little judgmental. I have two boys and we've all done that; even now when my boys fight (they're a little older) I find myself thinking "what a couple of a$$holes". I love my boys and would take a bullet for them, but kids can be trying and I'm not even sleep deprived. I'm going to guess that she's the one that gets up with him; if that's please correct.

Your wife is sleep deprived and not coping well, and she has ppd. .I had it too and it doesn't always come on right away. A baby changes your body and your life, and there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture: because it works. She's not thinking clearly and falling apart, and now instead of thinking about how to tackle this together you're worried about you and your needs. I'm not implying you shouldn't have your needs met, everyone should, but you've got to step up and have her back here. Get her to a doctor, find out what's going on in her head and what you can do. Your wife is falling apart and you think handing her a list of your wants is going to help?

Sorry for the tough love here but right now you're a judgmental, needy drain on someone with nothing to give. Become her partner and get her medical help/ counseling and then evaluate your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Thanks for the responses. Wilt, you bring up an excellent point. That is something I noticed in our relationship, she does alot more with the baby than I do, and you're absolutely right, it's taking a toll on her. I need to be more accomodating and take the baby responsibilities when I get home from work. She stays at home all day, so I think she feels like she needs to do everything since I work full time and have school, but I agree it still shouldn't be all on her.





lifeistooshort said:


> I'm troubled by your comment about what kind of mother says her kid is a pain in the a$$. That suggests to me that you don't fully grasp what's involved in dealing with a baby full time, and that you're a little judgmental. I have two boys and we've all done that; even now when my boys fight (they're a little older) I find myself thinking "what a couple of a$$holes". I love my boys and would take a bullet for them, but kids can be trying and I'm not even sleep deprived. I'm going to guess that she's the one that gets up with him; if that's please correct.
> 
> Your wife is sleep deprived and not coping well, and she has ppd. .I had it too and it doesn't always come on right away. A baby changes your body and your life, and there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture: because it works. She's not thinking clearly and falling apart, and now instead of thinking about how to tackle this together you're worried about you and your needs. I'm not implying you shouldn't have your needs met, everyone should, but you've got to step up and have her back here. Get her to a doctor, find out what's going on in her head and what you can do. Your wife is falling apart and you think handing her a list of your wants is going to help?
> 
> ...


Life, I really liked your post, even though you called me "A judgmental, needy drain on someone with nothing to give". You still raised some really good points,and It's nice to see someone who thinks the same way she does. I just am not that way, when I wake up with the baby (which happens, not as often as her, but I still do) I never, ever, ever, even come close to thinking he's a pain in the a**. He is a baby, crying because he wants something, he could be sick, could be in pain, could be lonely or hungry, we don't know. I just think differently than her, and that's not a bad thing at all, it just means we parent differently, so I appreciate you telling me that it is part of a normal process for motherhood.

Do you guys think she has PPD? And if so, how would I go about asking her to get help? I don't want to make anything worse, but I want her to be healthy and happy with our baby like I am.

To answer your question, I do get up with the baby. I have work at 8:00 every morning, so if he wakes up around 7 when I'm getting ready, obviously I don't, which means she winds up getting up with him more often than me. Plus, she is still nursing him, and she doesn't want him getting a bottle because she would have to pump in the morning. I told her it's a good time to start weaning, he is more than old enough, but I think she likes the connection she has with him that no one else does. When I worked overnight, she worked during the day, so I'd sometimes get 2 hours or less of sleep per night.

Just so we are clear, we had an argument about something stupid (which happens once in a while) and it derailed into a broader issue of the entire marriage. That's when she told me to give her a list of my needs, as I stated, I didn't want to, and felt like it was just treating the symptoms. I did simply because I thought it might help, maybe the passion would come back and the disease would be cured if we did treat the symptom, but it didn't, and she didn't do anything on the list that she demanded. 

With that said, I appreciate you giving me the other side of the stick. I was at the point where I threw in the towel and thought "If she doesn't do anything to fix this marriage, it's doomed, because I'm done trying." I had tried for so long I got exhausted, and maybe you're right, I was trying the wrong things. I will be better about taking care of the baby when I get home from work so she can have a break, and act more like partners in this rather than adversaries. Who knows, maybe it will solve the problem.

Again, thank you for the post, but in the future, you might consider the phrase "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But I apologized and said it was tough love  

Keep in mind when you consider the differences in your thoughts that you have a life; you have a job, go to school. True you mind the baby too but you get to leave; that IS her life. That's it. Some people are happy with that, but maybe she's not one of them.

Staying home was mentally draining and soul sucking for me. Women in particular feel this pressure with all the comments of someone else raising your children, but in reality it's not for everyone. Maybe it's not for your wife? Maybe she sees you working and going to school, accomplishing things, while she's stuck home with a baby. That by itself could trigger ppd. Start with the doctor and know that the coming months could be a rough ride, and as the baby weans try exploring whether staying home really makes her happy. I went back to work and my kids are just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> But I apologized and said it was tough love
> 
> Keep in mind when you consider the differences in your thoughts that you have a life; you have a job, go to school. True you mind the baby too but you get to leave; that IS her life. That's it. Some people are happy with that, but maybe she's not one of them.
> 
> ...


That you did, thank you :smthumbup:

She is starting a job at a movie theater in 10 days, so she will have time to get away. I am thankful, because truthfully I liked the daddy-son time I used to get with my boy. nothing against her, of course, it was just nice to be just the two of us once in a while. We will see what the future brings, and again, thank you for the advise and for giving me her perspective on all this.


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

fhkdfying said:


> This is my first post here,


Welcome !


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

My first thought is give her the list she asked for. It should have one thing on it, and one thing only. Her to be happy. See where it goes from there.

2nd thought - since the baby was born, have you given/arranged for here to have a day off? 

P.S. - I'm a guy, not a mom.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I just want to echo everything said above! I think it's so wonderful that you want to save your marriage and you guys are definitely not too far gone. 

The BEST way to receive love is to give it. 

Best of luck!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

No, you are not too far gone. I was in a similar situation and we turned it around. I did two things; the first was to examine our marriage and identify a problem that I could address. One of our big problems was communication. Second,no rediscovered myself and became the person that I was before we married again. The later made me attractive to my wife again and it involved starting up and old hobby, loosing weight and so on. Doing this was like a mini 180. 

I don't know what your basic marital issues are but there must be things you can work on to improve your relationship and to help reestablish the relationship you had when you were younger. We all change as we age and you say she has changed. Figure out what caused it. It may be that she feels trapped in the daily routine. It may be something else. Figure it out and find a way to reconnect. 

I fell back into love with my wife and you can to I bet.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Could she be suffering from a low level post-partum depression? That would account for the lack of energy and enthusiasm to follow through on things.


This absolutely needs to be checked into. I'd almost bet money on it.



pb76no said:


> My first thought is give her the list she asked for. It should have one thing on it, and one thing only. Her to be happy. See where it goes from there.
> 
> 2nd thought - since the baby was born, have you given/arranged for here to have a day off?


When I asked dh what he wanted and his response was for me to be happy, it warmed my heart, made me feel like we together could conquer the world.

When dh would tell me to go do something for myself and he would watch the kids, it made us feel like a team, he had my back, I wasn't in this alone. Motherhood is often lonely, there are critics everywhere telling you that you are doing it wrong, and sometimes the screaming kid is the worst critic.

We have 6 kids I've had great postpartum times and terrible ones. With one I had PPD during pregnancy and after. My husbands undying support is the one thing that got me thru it. Telling her you know it's tough can help her feel like she's just a loser who can't handle it. Its time for you to step up and show her you would do anything for her. Get her a certificate for a massage, something that says I just want you to relax and enjoy yourself. 

How old is your son? I wouldn't pressure her to wean, the world health organization recommends 2 yrs. And they have a lot of research to back that up. If she's heard the recommendation (which she likely has) telling her to give that up could make her feel like she's failing her son. When I had PPD and dh would suggest that i should give up something it made me feel like he didn't think i could handle it, that i was failing. It took me a long time to tell him that and this was our fourth kid. Being a mom is tough but it also brings me my greatest joys. Encourage her on this journey, for your son, for your wife, and for yourself.


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