# My husband watches porn and I hate it.



## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Let me back up here so my headline doesn’t make me seem like some prude. I’ve been married for about 8 years. Sex has always been wonderful with my husband. It’s been comfortable and my husband is very giving.in the beginning we were very open sexually as to our desires sexually. We would even watch porn together! It was a happy time. I have a good husband but not perfect. Several years ago I started having hormonal problems. I had my thyroid removed and was diagnosed with auto immune diseases. It changed everything about my body. When hormones are out of wack the entire symphony of your body follows. Including your sex drive!! It has been extremely difficult and quite upsetting. I have zero desire. Today I still battle with getting hormones in sync and keeping them that way. It’s very challenging. Now I’m not stupid all men masturbate. It’s natural. It’s part of life. Recently I’ve started to hate when my husband watches porn. Not necessarily when he masterbates. What makes it even more frustrating is I used to not care. It never bothered me. EVER!!! Now it does. As a man he can’t hide it even when he thinks he is. It infuriates me to no end. I can’t tell you why. Maybe jealousy of not having a desire. He’s aware of my feelings but as a wife I can’t ask him to stop. How can I ask my husband to stop when I don’t want to give him myself. I think it’s relationship suicide. I’ve never wanted to be one of THOES wives that’s controlling or shame him. I don’t want to shame him for doing what’s only natural. When I do have a desire I watch porn and at times scratch the itch, But it’s extremely rare. I could literally go the rest of my life without sec and I’m only 29! Anyone else feel the same? Or am I just an emotionally hormonal crazy woman ? I’m saddened that I feel this way about sex, his needs and my own needs. It’s unfair. 


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## Nickel Speed (Feb 4, 2019)

He is meeting his needs without going outside of the relationship. Remember that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you talked to doctors to see if there is anything you can do about the side effects from the Thyroid removal? 

If I'm reading correctly it sounds like things were happy before that. The medical community is not very good about psychological side effects of medications, and seems particularly bad about sexual side effects.


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

I constantly remind myself of that. He would never. Our relationship is spot on. We are one unit however it doesn’t negate my feelings. And I just don’t understand Why!? Why does this upset me when it shouldn’t. My brain knows that. 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Have you talked to doctors to see if there is anything you can do about the side effects from the Thyroid removal?
> 
> 
> 
> If I'm reading correctly it sounds like things were happy before that. The medical community is not very good about psychological side effects of medications, and seems particularly bad about sexual side effects.




I have ive been at this game for several years. It definitely was worse. It’s a roller coaster ride. I will for the rest of my life have to constantly adjust dosages for optimum results. It’s just never consistent. I fired my endocrinologist because she just wasn’t listening to me and was only going my the numbers on the chart. While it may be “in range” doesn’t mean an optimum life is being met. I see a natural path now but like I said it’s a roller coaster and it’s constantly changing. 


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Have the two of you discussed any sort of compromise? Have you discussed it at all?

So much of sex is a mental exercise _first._ Then the body follows. Do you tend to be responsive?

Are you willing to offer handjobs/blowjobs, if he were to stop or lessen his porn use? Would you enjoy it or resent it?

What would you provide to make this situation better?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mhalbert14 said:


> I could literally go the rest of my life without sec and I’m only 29! Anyone else feel the same? Or am I just an emotionally hormonal crazy woman ? I’m saddened that I feel this way about sex, his needs and my own needs. It’s unfair.


I think you have a good understanding of your own internal motivations. That's more than half the "battle".... and, you understand that this has a physical root, a time when a medically-describable problem took hold of your body and now, you're "stuck" in the mud with the result..... now, how to move onward and forward and find a solution....

This isn't "crazy". Don't blame yourself. You are reacting to a definable, understandable, and tractable problem. I think if you solve this problem, the other behavioral choices you're making will no longer be an issue for you.

And, it's really hard to find doctors who "get it".... who titrate their medications based upon patient results, rather than a chart. A lookup table is easier to use than an application based upon specific-patient data analysis,

you're absolutely right.... fire the ones who don't help you. You and your insurance are paying them good money. Insist that they put their noodle into this for you.



mhalbert14 said:


> Why does this upset me when it shouldn’t. My brain knows that.


Do yourself a favor, and stop at the question "Why does this upset me?" ..... formulate the answer for yourself, and don't make further value-judgments of yourself. In our mental processes, the word "shouldn't" is a word which brings an abrupt end to the processing mental task. Let the task continue to run on just the question. Not "should" or "shouldn't", but just "why".....
@minimalME has good thought on this.....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry you're going through the health issues. Sometimes the related emotional effects really compound the physical challenges. 

The emotional roller coaster is very real and typical. Please don't beat yourself up for having these emotions. 

In yours and similar circumstances, your emotions can be overwhelming. It's important to know they may or may not cause problems to be worse - here's the challenge. 

Try and apply your feelings in a positive approach to increasing non-critical communications with dear Hubby.

Because he's got his own emotional roller coaster going on, reacting to your health suffering. 

His emotions typically will center on feeling bad because you feel bad and he feels hopeless in not being able to help make you feel better, or get better.

First, perhaps spend some more time talking with him about how you two can regain some intimacy whether sexual or not.

He needs to have this intimacy maintained in some form. Only you two know how this may look, under present conditions. 

Unless he's shown you he's taking off in a real negative direction pls don't assume he is. He may need credit where credit is due for good behavior overall. And he does need some appreciation shown, even if he keeps saying "I'm fine".

Not all of this is related to him viewing porn when mast. at times. 
RE the porn; he isn't doing this to hurt you. It's not about you. That may be a new view for you but likely it's on point.

But, if this is made a big deal, it may slow the solving of intimacy challenges you two have.

I'm sure you've explored these questions but I'll ask.

Have you considered having more sex with H, even if you don't feel like it at first?
Sex can be all about the other person at times.

More sex may open the door to more sex, and certainly more conversations about sexual challenges. 

Do you expect him to be celibate if you can't bring yourself to having sex?

Presently he's solving this issue without going outside your relationship. It doesn't sound like he's turned into a rabid porn consumer. 

Just getting some visual support sometimes during his private time, if you will. He's not projecting a need for you to be a porn star.

Remember, his mast. really isn't about you. 

My final suggestion; approach this in a balanced way. If other relationship components are great, keep that in mind, and remember the big picture. 

This may fade on it's own. 

Try and draw closer to H. Doors of communication will open wide.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

mhalbert14 said:


> I have ive been at this game for several years. It definitely was worse. It’s a roller coaster ride. I will for the rest of my life have to constantly adjust dosages for optimum results. It’s just never consistent. I fired my endocrinologist because she just wasn’t listening to me and was only going my the numbers on the chart. While it may be “in range” doesn’t mean an optimum life is being met. I see a natural path now but like I said it’s a roller coaster and it’s constantly changing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


A total sidebar question 😊😊 but meant in all seriousness. 

Have you considered trying a form of medical cannabis to help ease some emotional strain at time, to relax and have a stress free evening?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How often are you currently having sex with him?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Here are your options:
1. Figure out someway of having sex with him, whether its hormonal replacements or tell him how to push your buttons
2. Continue the dead bedroom routine and get use to him using porn along with the risk of him losing a real emotional connection with you
3. Restict his porn and dont have sex with him and watch him him explode into ether.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

thanks for posting your experience. My wife and daughter are both on thyroid medication due to low function. Your forthright descriptions give me a real insight into what is happening in my life. 
As far as advice, I sure like my endocrinologist. He specialises in diabetes, not your problem, it is expensive, I do a lot of labs every year, but he knows a lot more about what is going on than my old GP.


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A total sidebar question  but meant in all seriousness.
> 
> 
> 
> Have you considered trying a form of medical cannabis to help ease some emotional strain at time, to relax and have a stress free evening?




I actually smoke at night just to relax 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Have the two of you discussed any sort of compromise? Have you discussed it at all?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We have discussed it but haven’t formed a “plan” do to speak on how to deal with this. We agreed to take it one step at a a time. Day by day. He’s completely understanding of what’s going on. I do take care of him when I can tell he has the itch even if I’m dreading it. I don’t resent it. We both agreed me asking him to stop is suicide within our relationship. He’s assured me that it’s not desire but visual stimulation. 


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

if this comes across as harsh its not meant to be. I am truly sorry for your health issues.

But the question has to be asked, are you physically unable to have sex with your husband or simply unwilling to have sex with your husband?

if your answer is the latter which I am guessing it is based on what you have written, let me offer you don't HAVE to be in the mood to have sex. and often times, once "doing it" the feelings come after you get going. I mean are you telling me you hate orgasms?

there has to be a middle ground. I applaud you for recognizing you are starving your husband of his needs and not crucifying him for them. but if you want to stay happily married, you need to address this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It does boil down to, in most ltrs/marriages that there are many benefits to regular sex. Frequent sex is best for many.

Frequency will wax and wane, but in mine and many folks opinions, needs to be at will.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

mhalbert14 said:


> We have discussed it but haven’t formed a “plan” do to speak on how to deal with this. We agreed to take it one step at a a time. Day by day. He’s completely understanding of what’s going on. *I do take care of him when I can tell he has the itch even if I’m dreading it.* I don’t resent it. We both agreed me asking him to stop is suicide within our relationship. He’s assured me that it’s not desire but visual stimulation.


Why do you dread having sex?

I'm just curious - not an accusatory question.

I'm on levothyroxine, I have Hashimoto's, and I'm menopausal, but personally, it would be lack of respect or contempt that would have me dreading intimacy.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

minimalME said:


> Why do you *dread* having sex?


Echoing @minimalME , this I think is a big issue. It is not that you aren't in the mood, it is the fact that you are "Dreading" sex that is the issue. To me those are two entirely different things, and "dreading" having sex with your SO has a more significant meaning .


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that he needs to hide it better. I am realistic about men and porn but I think it’s disrespectful when he is doing it to the point of you know when he is doing it. If that makes sense. I knew my ex husband watched porn but he hid it well enough so I never knew when. 
I honestly think that might help you. So it’s out of sight out of mind.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

My wife has struggled with thyroid issues and several auto-immune diseases since I have known her, and it has definitely impacted her sexual desire, so we can relate to your pain. Doctor after doctor, including specialists, couldn't figure out what was wrong, and the endocrinologists just wanted to play around with different doses of hormone medication. Her hormones and health went from bad to worse during and after her two pregnancies. 

Finally, my wife went to a well-known functional medicine doctor who, based on a lot of different testing, worked with her to completely change her diet and other aspects of her lifestyle. Among many other issues when he first tested her, he couldn't believe she had any sexual desire because she didn't even have detectable amounts of testosterone. It has been several years now, and her health and our sex life is dramatically different. Her auto-immune diseases are in remission, her hormone therapy is significantly reduced (and still decreasing), she has much more energy, and almost no pain anymore.

I write this to say that there is hope if you can find a doctor that will treat the underlying issues rather than the symptoms (let me know if you want my wife's doctor's information). Analogously, this porn issue is a symptom, not the cause of your hurt. I wish you and your husband the best as you work through this really challenging time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> if this comes across as harsh its not meant to be. I am truly sorry for your health issues.
> 
> ...


Op these were my thoughts exactly. When I married my husband, I made the decision to never refuse sex and 13 years later I never have whether I feel like it or not. I am not trying to minimise what you go though, but you can have sex just because you love your husband even if you are not feeling any desire at that time. 

As for the porn, people who don't think porn is good for their marriage aren't prudes, nor at they controlling of their spouses.


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry you're going through the health issues. Sometimes the related emotional effects really compound the physical challenges.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you for your response this was the best advice I’ve come by. I’m a logical person so it’s very odd to me to feel so “emotionally” driven at the moment. I usually can compartmentalize things and sort them out. 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Why do you dread having sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I’m on syntroid and cytomel. I just flat just don’t want to. I know it sounds completely selfish and awful but it’s the truth. I just don’t have the desire to do it. I’d rather just lay tf down. 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Satisfied Mind said:


> My wife has struggled with thyroid issues and several auto-immune diseases since I have known her, and it has definitely impacted her sexual desire, so we can relate to your pain. Doctor after doctor, including specialists, couldn't figure out what was wrong, and the endocrinologists just wanted to play around with different doses of hormone medication. Her hormones and health went from bad to worse during and after her two pregnancies.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I appreciate your response. It brought me to tears. I’m just so frustrated. With my self my body and all the circumstances. I’ve always gone through several endos who just refuse to listen. I’m using a natural path now who is amazing but its a process as I’m sure your well aware of. I’m On new dosages and trying new supplements. It’s just a waiting game at this point to see how my body responses. I pray it gets better. I’m ready to want to make love to my husband. 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Satisfied Mind said:


> My wife has struggled with thyroid issues and several auto-immune diseases since I have known her, and it has definitely impacted her sexual desire, so we can relate to your pain. Doctor after doctor, including specialists, couldn't figure out what was wrong, and the endocrinologists just wanted to play around with different doses of hormone medication. Her hormones and health went from bad to worse during and after her two pregnancies.
> 
> 
> 
> ...






Although I’ve never heard of the term Analogously could you elaborate?


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

mhalbert14 said:


> I appreciate your response. It brought me to tears. I’m just so frustrated. With my self my body and all the circumstances. I’ve always gone through several endos who just refuse to listen. I’m using a natural path now who is amazing but its a process as I’m sure your well aware of. I’m On new dosages and trying new supplements. It’s just a waiting game at this point to see how my body responses. I pray it gets better. I’m ready to want to make love to my husband.


The process does require patience, and there were a lot ups and downs and times where my wife felt like she took two steps forward only to take a step back. A lot of discouraging test results. That's great that you've found a doctor who is listening to you and working with you. In addition to the supplements, have you been tested for allergies and genetic intollerances? My wife learned that her body's auto-immune response was being triggered in reaction to things in her diet and environment that she was being exposed to. As the exposure continued over years, that auto-immune response gradually worsened and began manifesting in a number of debilitating ways. Removing those exposures, in addition to taking various supplements, is what is bringing about a pretty miraculous recovery for her.

Most importantly, if you haven't already, I would encourage you to open up to your husband about all of this, for your sake and his. This is a really difficult path you're walking and you probably already know how much you need his support. And for him (and I don't say this to make you feel guilty), the lack of physical intimacy likely makes him feel lonely and sexually unattractive. It's a really tough place to be mentally and emotionally. If you haven't told him already, he really needs to know how you feel about him and that you're trying to do everything you can to restore that part of your relationship. If you two are able to partner through this, you'll come out in a really good place on the other side.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

mhalbert14 said:


> Although I’ve never heard of the term Analogously could you elaborate?


I meant that just like your hormone levels and lack of sexual desire are a symptom of deeper health issues, I don't think your husband's use of porn is the real issue here. Given that you were okay with it before, I'd guess that your feelings on the subject have more to do with a perceived loss of emotional connection and guilt regarding his sexual gratification. 

That's why I emphasized the importance of really opening up to him about what you're going through, how you feel about him, where you're trying to get to with your health (including your sexual relationship), and what you two can be doing for each other in the meantime.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I felt just as you do after my hysterectomy- it really sucks- and it is hard for someone who hasn't been in that position to understand- if you have no desire there is no desire .
Around this time I started thinking my h had gone outside of the marriage- I didn't equate the two issues but obviously my lack of desire would've contributed to the problem. 
1-I went to counseling
2-I watched the ted talk " mating in captivity"
3- I went on Wellbutrin- it has a side effect of increasing libido
4- we went to counseling

You are too young for this issue-try the above and see if it helps
- if you add to it - thoughts your h may start finding someone else...
This may spark some territorial libido
Good luck- I really do get it and feel how difficult this must be for both of you


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it can be difficult for people with normal sex drives to imagine not having a sex drive at all. (in the OPs case caused by medical issues).

Maybe imagine if your partner's gender were magically switched. Same person / personality that you love, but how would you feel about having regular sex with them (assuming you are not bisexual - in which case I can't think of an example).






Diana7 said:


> Op these were my thoughts exactly. When I married my husband, I made the decision to never refuse sex and 13 years later I never have whether I feel like it or not. I am not trying to minimise what you go though, but you can have sex just because you love your husband even if you are not feeling any desire at that time.
> 
> As for the porn, people who don't think porn is good for their marriage aren't prudes, nor at they controlling of their spouses.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

uhtred said:


> I think it can be difficult for people with normal sex drives to imagine not having a sex drive at all. (in the OPs case caused by medical issues).
> 
> Maybe imagine if your partner's gender were magically switched. Same person / personality that you love, but how would you feel about having regular sex with them (assuming you are not bisexual - in which case I can't think of an example).


I don't understand your point with switching genders... If my W became a dude, we would be buds and all, but thats it. We would not be a couple, and since we are not a couple, sex is off the table. Sorry, this is just a weird point you are trying to convey lol

The reality, it is hard for one person to understand the other person if they have never been in that persons shoes. A Low/No drive person can't fully comprehend what someone with a high drive goes through. Likewise, an HD person can't comprehend what a LD person goes through.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I think it can be difficult for people with normal sex drives to imagine not having a sex drive at all. (in the OPs case caused by medical issues).
> 
> Maybe imagine if your partner's gender were magically switched. Same person / personality that you love, but how would you feel about having regular sex with them (assuming you are not bisexual - in which case I can't think of an example).


In the end though its a decision.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You presumably sexually desire your wife, so I assume you are happy with regular sex. So what would it be like if a medical issue removed your sex drive. I'm trying to model that on you wife becoming male (due to some magic spell) - same person / personality that you love, not her fault - but no sexual desire from you. 

that is the closest I can get to imagining what it is like to lose desire for a partner. 




EllisRedding said:


> I don't understand your point with switching genders... If my W became a dude, we would be buds and all, but thats it. We would not be a couple, and since we are not a couple, sex is off the table. Sorry, this is just a weird point you are trying to convey lol
> 
> The reality, it is hard for one person to understand the other person if they have never been in that persons shoes. A Low/No drive person can't fully comprehend what someone with a high drive goes through. Likewise, an HD person can't comprehend what a LD person goes through.


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Losing desire is one of the worst things that can happen within a marriage. My husband is very understanding but it hurts my
Heart that it’s this way for the time being. If you’ve never had ZERO sex drive I don’t think you could understand . Yes it’s a choice but not a choice I’m happy with. Some people say fake it till you make it which works on occasion but who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t. Only a rapist! (Not that my husband is a rapist) but you get the idea. It’s just scratching an itch at that point not anything more. Our sex life before all this started was EXCELLENT AND EXCITING. 


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

NJ2 said:


> I felt just as you do after my hysterectomy- it really sucks- and it is hard for someone who hasn't been in that position to understand- if you have no desire there is no desire .
> Around this time I started thinking my h had gone outside of the marriage- I didn't equate the two issues but obviously my lack of desire would've contributed to the problem.
> 1-I went to counseling
> 2-I watched the ted talk " mating in captivity"
> ...




Did you do the podcast “mating in captivity”? I can’t find a video.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Please read this, it may help you put words to a lot of your feelings. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-scourge-of-pornography.htm

It makes perfect sense to me that you used to watch it with him and enjoy it and now hate that he is watching it, because that was the two of you together and this is him by himself without you because you're not able to give him what he wants/needs right now due to your problems. He's getting needs that are yours to meet met by someone/something else and having fun without you.

And it will end up hurting your relationship.

Are you seeing a Dr. and have you told them of your zero sex drive? It sounds like it. Make sure your husband knows you are actively working to fix the problem.

*A Question for you*:
You have zero sex drive. I can understand not wanting intercourse under that circumstance. But what about oral sex, hand jobs, etc. for him? Is there something about the zero sex drive that makes you not want to cheerfully do those things for him? 

I've always seen blowjobs and hand jobs and other things as this awesome way to make a man feel great when he's in the mood and I'm not. I personally do not need to have a sex drive to give an enthusiastic blow job any more than I need a sex drive to give a great back rub or make dinner for my man or do the dishes or any other number of things that I can do just because I love him and I love making him feel that love, and making him happy.

I've long been perplexed when I hear couples talk about how they are in a sexless marriage because their partner doesn't have a sex drive, even though they do. I wonder if there is something more at play, like you really feel horribly physically, or subconscious resentment or anger where you dislike the idea of investing time and energy into your spouse's happiness. (Maybe he's not meeting YOUR needs for other things, like affection, conversation, financial security, companionship, etc.?) 

Because as adults we do all kinds of things we really aren't into to make our lives go smoothly and keep our family strong. 

I guess I don't consider "indifference" to having sex a prerequisite for having sex when you're in a committed relationship. Actively not wanting to do it would be a good reason, but then you need to get to the bottom of what is going wrong in the relationship that you specifically do not want to be intimate with him.

Good luck. You have every reason to be concerned about pornography and every right to ask him to stop it. It is hurting your marriage. But also, give some hard thought to the importance of intimacy for your marriage.






mhalbert14 said:


> Let me back up here so my headline doesn’t make me seem like some prude. I’ve been married for about 8 years. Sex has always been wonderful with my husband. It’s been comfortable and my husband is very giving.in the beginning we were very open sexually as to our desires sexually. We would even watch porn together! It was a happy time. I have a good husband but not perfect. Several years ago I started having hormonal problems. I had my thyroid removed and was diagnosed with auto immune diseases. It changed everything about my body. When hormones are out of wack the entire symphony of your body follows. Including your sex drive!! It has been extremely difficult and quite upsetting. I have zero desire. Today I still battle with getting hormones in sync and keeping them that way. It’s very challenging. Now I’m not stupid all men masturbate. It’s natural. It’s part of life. Recently I’ve started to hate when my husband watches porn. Not necessarily when he masterbates. What makes it even more frustrating is I used to not care. It never bothered me. EVER!!! Now it does. As a man he can’t hide it even when he thinks he is. It infuriates me to no end. I can’t tell you why. Maybe jealousy of not having a desire. He’s aware of my feelings but as a wife I can’t ask him to stop. How can I ask my husband to stop when I don’t want to give him myself. I think it’s relationship suicide. I’ve never wanted to be one of THOES wives that’s controlling or shame him. I don’t want to shame him for doing what’s only natural. When I do have a desire I watch porn and at times scratch the itch, But it’s extremely rare. I could literally go the rest of my life without sec and I’m only 29! Anyone else feel the same? Or am I just an emotionally hormonal crazy woman ? I’m saddened that I feel this way about sex, his needs and my own needs. It’s unfair.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

minimalME said:


> Why do you dread having sex?
> 
> I'm just curious - not an accusatory question.
> 
> I'm on levothyroxine, I have Hashimoto's, and I'm menopausal, but personally, it would be lack of respect or contempt that would have me dreading intimacy.


Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I have been in situations where I dreaded sex with my partner and it wasn't because of my zero sex drive, it was because the relationship was very unhappy for me and I didn't want to do one more thing for this person. And I didn't want his hands on my body. I could barely stand it at the time. But just having zero sex drive when I'm happy has never stopped me.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

"Ted talk" called mating in captivity 
Not sure what the ted stands for


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

uhtred said:


> You presumably sexually desire your wife, so I assume you are happy with regular sex. So what would it be like if a medical issue removed your sex drive. I'm trying to model that on you wife becoming male (due to some magic spell) - same person / personality that you love, not her fault - but no sexual desire from you.
> 
> that is the closest I can get to imagining what it is like to lose desire for a partner.


I can accept b/c of medical issues. Nowhere in my wedding vows did I state I would love my W if she became a dude :smile2:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Kindly, what is the reason you won't provide a HJ or BH if you say PIV is out of the question?

All good advice above. And I respect the medical issues.

What exactly is preventing you from just getting naked and laying down with Hubby? 

This can simply be an extension of spending some time in each others arms to try and regain some closeness that seems really to be lacking. 

If you just get nekkid with him, he'll take it from there. 

There's got to be some reason, that's not been made known yet, that you're resisting getting naked for him / with him.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


I'm not saying I disagree with you, but if you haven't been in a marriage where, for health reasons, your spouse cannot engage in sexual activity for an extended period of time, then your advice smacks of insensitivity. 

Porn isn't the real issue for the OP, and your comment is designed to promote your own agenda rather than really listening to what her issues are and responding with appropriate consideration.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


A sexless marriage isnt healthy either. I guess he could channel all that sexual energy into becoming a chess savant or nuclear physicist. Or if he just isnt that smart, he could just bang a bunch of randos, I mean if porn/masturbation is so bad. I cant say I couldn't understand cheating under those conditions, but I prefer ultimatums over sneaking.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


Sex in a marriage is a known good thing unless the couple are in harmony on no sex.

Physical closeness still required.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


I think this attitude is very unhealthy. I think shaming around sexuality is Bad, Bad, Bad. Masturbation is very healthy, some might even say required for health.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

OP is unhappy with hubby's porn use and I'm advising he doesn't need it based on my own personal experience. All the porn loving marital counselors here advise that hubby should UP his porn dosage?

Men should be ashamed of porn and especially if they upset their wives with it.

I know, I know... How dare I challenge a man's God given right to porn!


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> OP is unhappy with hubby's porn use and I'm advising he doesn't need it based on my own personal experience. All the porn loving marital counselors here advise that hubby should UP his porn dosage?
> 
> Men should be ashamed of porn and especially if they upset their wives with it.
> 
> I know, I know... How dare I challenge a man's God given right to porn!



Are you responding to the complete situation as described by the OP or did you just react to the mention of porn use? No one suggested the husband UP his use of porn. In fact, if you really read the posts and tried to understand what is going on in this relationship, you'd see that the porn use isn't the real issue.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

mhalbert14 said:


> I’m on syntroid and cytomel. I just flat just don’t want to. I know it sounds completely selfish and awful but it’s the truth. I just don’t have the desire to do it. I’d rather just lay tf down.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I also felt that "dread". It had nothing to do with disrespect or our relationship. Quite frankly if you have never been void of desire you cant understand. I don't mean -not in the mood- or presently preoccupied...I mean no desire. None, nada, and in that unchanging state the act of sex can feel like a violation. It can feel like someone is doing something to your body that you dont want them to do. It doesnt exactly feel like rape but it feels like an unwanted submission, like letting yourself be used for someone else's pleasure and their pleasure has nothing to do with you- you are a receptacle. That feels dreadful.

This is a completely different feeling from -i'm feeling tired but sure lets have a go, or- i'm not in the mood but you can get me in the mood, or go ahead i'm not interested but we could have a quickie to satisfy you......

I love my husband and under normal or low desire circumstances I am all for making him happy, making us both happy, going for the closeness and not the climax, willing to have quickies if i'm not so into it at the time, faking it untill I make it, starting cold and warming up.....

Having no desire is different than having low desire. There has to be a distinction here. It feels different physically and emotionally.

The Wellbutrin is worth a try.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I can totally see your point of view, and even if my feelings of dread were rooted in a cause different from yours or others, I understand.

Having said that though, each individual is personally responsible for what they do with those feelings.

And if you're married, and if you're committed to monogamy, you have a sexual obligation to your spouse. Just because your (you in general) desire has shut down, your spouse's hasn't. 

The very least a person in this situation (whose desire has been lost) should be doing is communicating honestly about what's happening with them. Even if there's guilt or shame or it's uncomfortable and difficult.

The burden of solving the puzzle and coming up with solutions begins with the person who's having the problem. 



NJ2 said:


> Having no desire is different than having low desire. There has to be a distinction here. It feels different physically and emotionally.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

minimalME said:


> I can totally see your point of view, and even if my feelings of dread were rooting in a cause different from yours or others, I understand.
> 
> Having said that though, each individual is personally responsible for what they do with those feelings.
> 
> ...


Completely agreed. If you really care about your SO, you will discuss openly, and more importantly, look to compromise. Nothing is worse than a Spouse who decides they want to hold their SOs sexuality hostage simply b/c they have no desire or aren't in the mood.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> Completely agreed. If you really care about your SO, you will discuss openly, and more importantly, look to compromise. Nothing is worse than a Spouse who decides they want to hold their SOs sexuality hostage simply b/c they have no desire or aren't in the mood.


Yes agreed- and I absolutely talked about this with H. I went to a counselor and told them how i was feeling and the guilt that was associated with it. I asked what to do- she expressed your sentiments but at the time I couldnt get my head around it, she told me then to explain it to him using diagrams and analogies and to make sure he understood it was me not him, a different phase in my life etc..... So I did- I came home and tried to get him to listen- he looked at me blankly and when i was finished he went back to watching tv. So that was that.

Until later....


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Have you gained a lot of weight? I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you have, what with your medical condition. Perhaps you don't feel any desire because you feel unattractive? That would be a good starting point for a conversation with your husband.

There are things husbands can do to make their wives feel attractive. Such as initiate with passion, kiss, touch, and all that passion implies. But it gets a lot harder after many years together. And even harder with stress. And even harder when your body does change, because a serious hormonal imbalance like that will cause change. Such as weight gain.

So I would suggest if you have gained weight, to talk to your husband about how difficult this is for you. How unattractive you feel and how it's making you miserable. And how knowing that he finds porn women attractive, but not you, hurts you. And see if you two can get on the same page and then find a plan to a solution.


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## SkyFive (Apr 4, 2019)

mhalbert14 said:


> I could literally go the rest of my life without sec and I’m only 29!


My wife told me the same thing around that age. I suffered a sexless marriage for years but never went outside our relationship. Either your part of the problem or your part of the solution.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This post sets the gold standard for extreme emotional transparency and the ability to express sincere and intense feelings without losing a sense of fairness and balance. 

This type of post is a less than a one in thousand.




mhalbert14 said:


> Let me back up here so my headline doesn’t make me seem like some prude. I’ve been married for about 8 years. Sex has always been wonderful with my husband. It’s been comfortable and my husband is very giving.in the beginning we were very open sexually as to our desires sexually. We would even watch porn together! It was a happy time. I have a good husband but not perfect. Several years ago I started having hormonal problems. I had my thyroid removed and was diagnosed with auto immune diseases. It changed everything about my body. When hormones are out of wack the entire symphony of your body follows. Including your sex drive!! It has been extremely difficult and quite upsetting. I have zero desire. Today I still battle with getting hormones in sync and keeping them that way. It’s very challenging. Now I’m not stupid all men masturbate. It’s natural. It’s part of life. Recently I’ve started to hate when my husband watches porn. Not necessarily when he masterbates. What makes it even more frustrating is I used to not care. It never bothered me. EVER!!! Now it does. As a man he can’t hide it even when he thinks he is. It infuriates me to no end. I can’t tell you why. Maybe jealousy of not having a desire. He’s aware of my feelings but as a wife I can’t ask him to stop. How can I ask my husband to stop when I don’t want to give him myself. I think it’s relationship suicide. I’ve never wanted to be one of THOES wives that’s controlling or shame him. I don’t want to shame him for doing what’s only natural. When I do have a desire I watch porn and at times scratch the itch, But it’s extremely rare. I could literally go the rest of my life without sec and I’m only 29! Anyone else feel the same? Or am I just an emotionally hormonal crazy woman ? I’m saddened that I feel this way about sex, his needs and my own needs. It’s unfair.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Have you talked to doctors to see if there is anything you can do about the side effects from the Thyroid removal?
> 
> If I'm reading correctly it sounds like things were happy before that. The medical community is not very good about psychological side effects of medications, and seems particularly bad about sexual side effects.


That's because Doctors are prescribers, not artists. They are not alchemists.
They have to follow guidelines and coding. Insurance companies limit them, as do their states medical boards.

True cures are not always available.

You get twenty minutes of their time, if you are lucky.

You are their patient, 'their job', a task to be completed.

They are loathe to experiment. Even if they wanted to, they do not have not the time.
Nor do most have the inclination, the professional inclination.

They must stay within the guidelines. No coloring is allowed outside the line of norms.
If they do, they might get sued. Especially, if they do not follow protocol, and give you some med for off-label reasons. 

Sometimes, ah, oftentimes there is no magic bullet cure.
Every medicine seems to have side effects, some worse than the ailment itself.

If a doctor goes rogue, their colleagues would soon drum them out of medicine.

It is basically, "here, try this".

They listen to the symptoms, make a diagnosis, give you a prescription and then go to the next room, the next poor sap.

That said, they have made TREMENDOUS strides in the last seven decades. I would be a cripple if were not for medicine.

And one rogue doctor. He fixed up my damaged spine.

Later, he was sued out of practice, given the boot. I believe he went overseas. He was my savior.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

There is lots of research being done right now about leaky gut syndrome and it's relationship to autoimmune disorders and by extension decreased libido. 

In essence, the theory is that an unhealthy digestive system allows toxins to leak out into your blood stream and that can cause all kinds of problems. Now, some think this is all just a way to make people buy expensive pyramid products but some people have shown real improvements with just dietary changes. Probiotics have proven to be very helpful to some people and you don't need to buy them from a pyramid company.

My daughter has had quite a few difficulties that relate back to a gluten intolerance. People said I was crazy to believe it but her asthma, eczema (an autoimmune problem) and learning difficulties all cleared up beautifully when she went gluten free. And when she refused to stay on the diet (teenagers!) it all came back. The point is that this stuff is not all crazy talk. I know quite a few people that made easy dietary changes and changed their lives. It's worth looking into, not just for your sex life but for your overall health.

ETA: and the reason you hate his porn watching is because in your case, that's the "other woman" and you may not want sex per se, but you do want all his attention. I think that's totally normal. Not fair to leave him with no avenue of releasing his sexual needs though but I think you already know that. You sound like a good, loving wife. I hope things get resolved for you soon.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> Men aren't dogs and require neither porn nor masturbation to be healthy (and happy). This is a lie told by our porn loving culture!


May your urologist inform you before the dreaded prostate issue hits you. 
Ejaculation is very healthy for prostate health.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OP, I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry that you are going through this period as you can see, the need to defend pornography at all cost eclipses the need to show compassion to a woman who feels hurt and rejected by her husband's porn use.

It's a shame the universal defensiveness blinds people to the fact that pornography can in fact be hurtful. I hope you find the understanding and objectivity that you need to help you deal with this problem. Because you are right. It is a problem, you are hurting, and the man who promised to love you needs to do something about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Never mind


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Like I said......its hard to get good advice when.porn is the golden calf....


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Like I said......its hard to get good advice when.porn is the golden calf....


This thread is not about porn.
It's about her lack of sex drive.
She actually watched porn with him.
She can only help herself if she's hurting. 
Any attempt to change someone else is a futile effort.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am yet very hopeful, it seems that 'most' women still find porn...unappealing.

Once this becomes a false statement, society is doomed.

That last wall with a presenting crack in it will implode, collapse under the weight of unbridled lust.






[THM]- SCM


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