# Why can't I have my Fairy Tale?



## Snow_White (Nov 13, 2011)

The facts:

I have been married for 13 years
I adore my husband. 

I have no issues with porn. 
I am open and honest and accepting. 

*** Accepting to the point of having an open marriage for a while. 
That ended because it was too much drama, not us as a couple but we found we don't deal well with others. I got married at 18 and look back on that time as our wild phase. We got pulled in by friends and learned other people are NUTS. LOL *** The worst thing that happened in all that was that DH had changed his e-mail password as the person he was with didn't want me knowing about different parts of her life. Only my husband forgot that his e-mail was also the one our bills when to and I am the one that does those more often than not. That however got sorted quickly and I made it clear that anyone that wants to hide something from me is not someone I am ok having in our lives. He accepted that and it ended with them peacefully enough. 

So when I say I am accepting, I do mean it. I will do and try about anything for the man I love and I just want to know whats going on. 

He has never cheated on me. I don't consider permission given to be cheating. Stupid on our parts but not cheating. 

I DO have issues with honesty.
My mother left my dad when I was 6, she left my brother and I too. Over and over people in my life lied. I had this fairy tale that I would be with someone who would be as open and honest as I am. No secrets. 

However my amazing husband keeps secrets. The first blind side was financial, I had no idea how deep into debt he was. The second blind side was again financial. He spent so much on me and our first child that we needed to do a Ch13. Forgave him that and took over finances for us and he was happy to not have to deal with such things. Another blind side came up a year or two ago. We had hit a long dry spell and I thought it was ME. I mean we had all these kids and I couldn't manage to get back to my before kids weight. (Turns out I have diabetes, and Fibro, and Lupus) So I was taking it personally. He broke down and told me that he had a rather unconventional sexual interest. What ever. No biggie. He didn't expect to understand or accept it and he was ashamed. 
My thing is though, I am the most accepting person I know, WHAT THE HELL. Why can't he just be honest with me about things? 

So I have trust issues, and I find myself going to look for things. I know, bad idea. So I find things, sites and such, that he has not told me about. The difference with these sites though and classic porn is that they are more interactive. THAT bothers me. Not sure why, maybe it wouldn't if he had told me about the interest in the first place. Finding it though... 

So I talk to him about it, he shuts down, I cry and deal with it alone for a few days and then we talk again. I am not used to going days having an issue between us. The core issue though is that he does not consider with holding information as lying or being wrong. 

He has a job that requires it, can't get into it but he has a very high security clearance. I will never get within a mile of where he works and never see his office. He is suited for the job, he can keep secrets. I can't stand secrets. 

I don't think he is going to change. 
But I want that fairy tale, the one where a couple shares everything openly and honestly and accepts and helps with each others flaws. But my husbands flaw is that he is not honest. 

So there is no talk about leaving one another. He is a fantastic father, provider, and my best friend in many many ways. But damn it I want that bond I have never had with anyone before, the one that is so clear and raw and honest. 

Am I expecting too much? 
Does such a thing even exist?

I mean he doesn't cheat. I might even be ok with watching live streams if he had talked to me about it when he first discovered it. But the fact that I found it, that his moral core is different than mine and he thinks it is ok to have a private life all his own that he shares with no one.... 

I want my damn fairy tale and I so damn close just this one thing. Why can't he trust me? (Forget that I am on a message board spilling out issues to strangers and that I will tell him I did it too.)

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. It isn't the end of the world I am feeling insecure. I lost faith in religion, god, a long time ago, I am a realist. I feel like I need one relationship in my life to not have mysteries and things I can't see. So sick of being blind sided in life. I am so open, why can't others be too? 

Am I expecting too much? 

All the Best, 
Snow_White


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Snow_White said:


> The facts:
> 
> I have been married for 13 years
> I adore my husband.
> ...


I think your childhood issues of being abandoned and lied to have more to do with your choice of husband than you may realize. I also think it explains your willingness to put aside some of your wants and needs for a safe and trusting relationship. You seem to tolerate a lot of dishonesty in your relationship - way more than the average person. If that works for you, who is anyone to judge? But it doesn't sound like it's working for you.

I would encourage you to get some therapy to really dig into how your mother's departure and other childhood wounds are impacting your life. Because they are.....in some major ways.

That "connection" you felt with your husband when you met him probably has more to do with his dishonest nature than you probably realize, and it made him feel familiar and relatable to you, because you grew up with a lot of dishonesty, from what you said. 

I think a therapist could help you become more aware of your needs, and that fact that you have a right to certain things in a relationship, and can also help you assert them. You may bend over backwards to make your husband happy, but if you are compromising your values, your need for safety and your dignity then it is not healthy for you and you need to stop. You also don't mention how your husband bends over backwards to meet YOUR needs. It's a two way street!

You can have an honest, open, and loving relationship. It requires both partners to be on the same page and to be willing to work to make it happen.


----------



## Snow_White (Nov 13, 2011)

Thank You for this support. 

I wanted to add as I did not make it clear that my husband is in all other aspects amazing and giving. He bends over backwards for me and I know of no other husband as wonderful as he is. He helps with the children and changes diapers in the middle of the night and he helps with the house so much, specially when I am sick and these days that is very often. He doesn't often tell me no about anything. I mean we are a middle class family and I don't want a great deal but sometimes he should say no, like when I want a puppy but an over all too sick to care for the house hold I have now. It would be another chore for him, and still he isn't telling me no. He helps to cook, lets me go out with friends, and he rarely goes out with friends of his own because he is more a family guy and likes us to have family friends. He is kind and peacefully parents with me and trusts my judgement with out budget and things having to do with our children. 

Thats why when I say I am so close to that fairy tale, I mean it. It is just this one issue... but it effects so much and it eats at me. 

For years before the first time he blindsided me, he took care of ME. Everyone saw and as near perfect and most still do and don't know what happened. Then when I saw his imperfection I wanted to fix it, to help him. He is fairly alone in the world, at a young age near everyone in his family died. He raised himself in many ways. Before those people in his life died though, he took care of them and I think that is why he takes such good care of me and the children, it is what he knows. So yes, he meets other needs and wants and if anything I think he does more than his fair share. 

I think your right, I should talk to a therapist. I can see that link before that I hadn't before. I didn't leave him after the first lies, or the rest for that matter and I find myself questioning if expecting honesty is even possible. I don't know any relationships like that. Heck, we start out lying to our kids about Santa and yes, I have guilt about such things. Those are acceptable in our society though.... where is that line? No wonder so many get confused and can't seem to just be honest.


----------



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Most fairy tales end with the prince and the princess happily ever after. I feel by you allowing an open marriage you have sabotaged your fairy tale ending. The whole dishonety and trust issues you both seem to have need to be addressed ASAP.


----------

