# Pretty sure my marriage is done.



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

This past week has been the worst for me so far. My H kind of moved out last Monday. I found out that he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) as well as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits. This is hard for me to deal with because he has split me black now and won't listen to a word I say. On Friday, H set me up really bad. 

I was taking my daughter to a friend's house. I had just got into my car when H came out of the house and told me to take his truck instead. This was one of the rare moments in the past month where he was home, was being nice and let me borrow what used to be our truck. I gladly accepted the offer. My daughter always goes through H's truck looking for gum and other candy he might have. She was in the center console, when I noticed something odd. I waited for her to get out before I grabbed the cardboard envelope I had seen. I opened it up and there was a lovely picture of H, the OW and one of her children. They had obviously had a lovely weekend at the beach. I went home and immediately told H what I had found. Of course, it was all my fault because I was going through his truck. H said that it would have never happened if I wasn't so nosy! H claimed that the OW was "just a really good friend" again. I have seen text messages that prove that they are just friends, but, as they say, a picture is worth A 1000 words. 

He left that night and I didn't hear from him or see him again until yesterday afternoon. I had to go to the store. When I cam back, H was on the phone. He couldn't see me but I saw him. The smile on his face said it all. He looked so happy and in love that my legs buckled a little under me. I heard him say the words "Ok...I love you, baby. Call me later"--he had told me on Wednsday that he loved me, actually saying "I love you, baby"! Surprisingly, this did not shatter my heart into a million pieces--maybe cause it is already in a billion. I asked H if he had another place, why was he still coming by the "family home". I added the fact that he was obviously dating a girl if he was saying "baby" and "i love you". H informed me that he was not dating her, it was his gf.

I then reminded him that his DR had told him, due to his NPD+BPD traits, that he was supposed to remove himself from relationships not leave your wife and step child for a woman with 3 kids. I told him that it wasn't right that he was getting involved with her kids. I said it could be dangerous. He thought I was trying to change his mind. I told him that because I couldn't fulfill his emotional demands anymore, he had turned to the OW. This would work for a little while, but that emotional well would run dry and he would move on. I told him that I didn't want other women and children to go through what my family was going through. H laughed and said that idea was hilarious. He said that his issues were solved--his DR told him so --and he was moving on in a healthy fashion. He is obviously delusional. 

My emotions are on a runaway train now. I have always secretly battled depression. I realize now that a lot of that came from H and his narcissistic behaviors towards me over the past 7 years. Whenever I would bring up that I felt depressed, H would immediately tell me to pull myself out of it and be happy. I always had to be happy . After 5 weeks of an emotional roller coaster, I can honestly say I can't take it anymore. One minute I despise H, the next minute I have a false sense that we will get back together...and sometimes I want that. As sick as H is, I can't stop loving him and that's what's killing me. The love we shared was so special but I know now it was all a lie. How can a lie feel so real?  I woke up at 2 am this morning furious  I was mad at H, at the OW, at myself, at the world! I know that this anger is part of the grieving process but it's still hard. I want to turn off my mind but I don't know how. 

I guess I need to try to let go but that is really hard. This is still so new to me. I love my H with everything I got but do I really? Am I in love with H or what he pretended to be for 7 years. I feel like I know him so well but I also feel like I don't know him at all. Oh well. I am just really confused right now.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

He isn't a mental patient. Stop diagnosing him!
He is cheating. Period.
He crossed boundaries,spent time alone with someone of the opposite gender, they discussed their lives and supported each other verbally, were attacted to each other, someone said "Hey, I think I love you." and now your H is in love with someone else (cause its new and fun still and they bonded ) and he is on the fence trying to have the life with you and the dating life with her and her child.

You did nothing wrong. He has been misleading you and living a secret second life.

This isn't about you. He is angry and mean to you because deep down he feels guilty AND his life with you is in complete opposition to his dating life and new romance.

He doesn't mean to offend you but it will totally offend you because it IS offensive.

Anyway. Your confusion will be for a very long time and hopefully you will get a plan to implement soon to help you work through your choices of what to do and how to handle it all!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think the mental stuff is looking more and more like a load of crap he's feeding you and the DR. I say this because he is actually doing what I thought about doing before I was caught, being with the OW and leaving my wife. Although in my case, the OW is single and without kids.

You need to be angry right now. You are in the process of possibly losing something that is of great value to you.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> *He isn't a mental patient. Stop diagnosing him!*
> He is cheating. Period.
> He crossed boundaries,spent time alone with someone of the opposite gender, they discussed their lives and supported each other verbally, were attacted to each other, someone said "Hey, I think I love you." and now your H is in love with someone else (cause its new and fun still and they bonded ) and he is on the fence trying to have the life with you and the dating life with her and her child.
> 
> ...


He is mental and needs help. He is also cheating on me--no excuse there. His disorder is clouding his judgement, along with the affair fog. I kind of wish I could lack compassion and empathy so that I could move on as well, but I rather be human. 

He absolutely feels guilty and projects this onto me so that he doesn't have to deal with any of it. After gaining a better understanding of NPD and BPD, I realize that H has been doing this to me our whole relationship. The ironic thing is that he keeps doing this to avoid his negative feelings but he wants me gone. When I'm gone, there will be nobody to project feelings on, so he will be on his own. OW won't put up with it for long. She is 6 years older with young kids to worry about. She is in over her head.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *I think the mental stuff is looking more and more like a load of crap he's feeding you and the DR.* I say this because he is actually doing what I thought about doing before I was caught, being with the OW and leaving my wife. Although in my case, the OW is single and without kids.
> 
> *You need to be angry right now. You are in the process of possibly losing something that is of great value to you.*


He is really mental but thinks that being with someone else will solve this--typical behavior. I know that he is lying to his DR cause I caught him in a lie last night. He is having a hard time pulling the wool over my eyes anymore. I have given up on trying to help him. He is on his own. 

I know anger will help fuel me during this time but the love for H is still so strong. Like I have said, we had a great relationship until 5 weeks ago. It is hard to turn it all off so fast. It will take time. I go in and out of wanting to hurt him and ruin him. Then I want him to be my friend cause I miss that so much. It's just a hard day today. Thanks though, HerToo  Your words are always welcomed.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Okay, let me revise my reply here:
Even IF he is mentally ill......he is acting as any cheating spouse would act. It is totally typical behaviour. Everything you listed that he is doing, most cheaters DO!
If that is any consolation whatsoever.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Okay, let me revise my reply here:
> *Even IF he is mentally ill......he is acting as any cheating spouse would act. It is totally typical behaviour. Everything you listed that he is doing, most cheaters DO!*
> If that is any consolation whatsoever.


chattycathy-you are absolutely right! I fully agree 100%. I refuse to take his mental instability as a justification for adultery.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time. 

I'd like to ask you for some input if I may.

My wife is not in the same place as you being that I am still at home, going to IC, provide full transparency, and have maintained NC with the OW. But the hurt is there regardless. My wife is afraid of losing me. When we talked, I told her that I'm so sorry I hurt her to the core. I also told her that she could never trust me 100% again. She agreed on the trust, but disagreed on the "core" part. She said that me leaving her would be hurting her to the core. 

I feel like I have lost my love for my wife, and that I no longer deserve to love her because of what I did. I'm working on both issues, but it's not looking good right now. Running off to the OW is not an option since she dropped me like a rock on D-Day. My wife and I have 3 adult kids, and the OW is divorced with no kids. 

How is leaving worse than cheating, especially when I would make sure that the only she loses in a divorce is me? 

If I'm not able to get back the love I once had for my wife, would it be right for us to stay married?

My wife hasn't gone through the anger stage yet. She is out of town this week, and I think that she will be thinking about this whole mess when she's alone. I think the anger phase will hit during this time. As you go through the anger phase, could you share with me your feelings about saying "enough!" and getting a divorce if your husband was going through what I'm going through?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time.
> 
> I'd like to ask you for some input if I may.
> 
> ...


I think the fact that you are trying to see your marriage through is a big step in the right direction. It hasn't been that long since D-day, has it? Only a few months if I'm not mistaken. It will take some time to get to a place where you can make a solid choice on whether you can love her again or not. Give it some more time and the answer will come to you. I also think that staying in a loveless marriage is not fair to you or your wife. If you come to realize that there is really no more love, than you should move on. Yes it will hurt but hurt heals with time...or so I've been told. 

I actually am still in the pain and guilt stage. I do go into anger on occasion but it is usually short lived. Your wife wants to be with you. You are working on your marriage. Maybe she sees this and will not get angry. She has to know that anger won't solve any issues at this point. It sounds like the remorse and guilt you feel is to much to handle and you expect your wife to get angry, belittle you or make you feel horrible. Almost like you deserve this treatment, but you don't. You are trying to handle things the right way. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, at least you tried.

I wish that my husband would come home and show an ounce of remorse for what he has done. After everything he has put me through, I still love him and I still value our marriage. I would love to work on making this marriage what I know it can be. Just hang in there for a little while longer if you can. Try not to make any major decisions the way you feel now. My husband has made some very irrational decisions in the past month because he won't stop to think. He just keeps going with the flow. Maybe if he had a little of the courage you have, I wouldn't be in this situation.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you for your response.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Anytime..


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

By the way, I hope your marriage is not done.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I don't know anymore, HerToo. H has been pushing my buttons really hard lately. He has destroyed me, my child and himself in all this chaos. I hope he finds some solid ground but time is runnig out for him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That sucks! 

My wife hasn't contacted me for about 4.5 hours now. That's not like her. Perhaps she just enjoying her time alone. Maybe she met someone who can make her happy, someone she can trust. 

She deserves better.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

You are too hard on yourself, HerToo. She is probably just enjoying her alone time, trying to clear her thoughts. My H was gone the whole weekend and did not contact me at all. Giver her a little time. You should take some for yourself too.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I finally sent her a text later in the night asking how she was doing. She said "Ok".

I do what I can to keep my mind busy, like going to the gym, taking my time cooking and eating dinner, and doing general household chores.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *I finally sent her a text later in the night asking how she was doing. She said "Ok"*.
> 
> *I do what I can to keep my mind busy, like going to the gym, taking my time cooking and eating dinner, and doing general household chores.*


Well at least she responded. That to me is a good sign. How long is she away for? 

Also, is it normal for me to have no appetite? I haven't eaten a normal meal in over a month! I drink water, exercise pretty much daily, do the household chores, I even cook dinner for my child every night. I just can't eat. How long will my lack of appetite last?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She's gone until Friday.

It's normal to have changes in eating patterns. Some eat less, some eat more. I have an appetite, so I eat. But I eat smaller portions, and mostly fruit. Then I feel like vomiting in about 30 minutes, but I don't. I dry vomit every morning as my body shakes and gets tense. You'll get your normal eating patterns back when your mental state changes to where it needs to be. When that will happen is anyone's guess.

Sleep is my biggest problem. I get a max of 5 hours a night if I'm lucky. If anything wakes me up while I'm asleep, I'm up for good. My mind goes right to the situation and doesn't stop. I think I got about 20 hours total of sleep all last week.


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