# Trying to move to better our life - wife is stubborn



## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm going to try to sum this up as to not write a book here. I am a 25 yr old man and my wife is 21. We have been together for 2 years and married for about a year. We have a 3 month old daughter. She is from another country and is not documented as of yet. She can not work or drive and I am ok with that. She's been here for about 2 and a half years. 

We met in my home town in Rhode Island, an hour and a half away from where she was living (Cape Cod) through mutual friends. I was driving there several times a week and decided to move there as I didn't have any family in RI because they had all slowly moved to Florida. 

We are renting a house here on the Cape and our quality of life is very low. She is home all day with our daughter and I work all day to support us. I have no friends or family here.We have limited social interaction with other people in our spare time because we both live in a new enviroment and don't really know anybody. She has a few friends, her brother who she sees about twice a week and an aunt whom she barely sees. The rest of her family is back in her home country.

My mother and 3 of my sisters, all grown up and living on their own, live in Florida in the same neighborhood and have many family friends. I want to move down there to have some help with the baby and also to be close to family. It is very lonely during the holidays being just me my wife and our daughter. 

My wife refuses to move. We have nothing holding us here and every reason to leave. Her mother is trying to convince her to stay so that she can come live with us for free during the summer and work to send money back to her country for when she returns. Which I do not agree with I feel it is an invasion to our privacy when she visits for 5-6 months at a time. She wants us to stay because if she visits us in Florida, she can not work there to send money back. I don't think we should base our lives on her mother visiting us to work for extra money. We argue a few times a week about this. 

My temporary lease will expire in June and I want to leave this place by then as it is very expensive to live on Cape Cod and everybody requires a lease. I do not want to be stuck here another year, and pay 3 months of high rent to secure a new house to live in. 

I'm not sure how to go about this as our arguments are getting heated!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't see your wife as being stubborn. Your not far from where you met her. Her moving to Florida will make her absolutely miserable. I'm assuming you didn't discuss moving to FL prior to marriage. If you did and she said ok, then I'd see this as unreasonable, but I'm assuming this is not the case.

I don't see this ending well. My cousin moved to FL with her husband and he did not want to live there. They ended up divorcing and he moved back here. They were a great couple together too.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

While we didn't discuss in detail our future plans she did tell me she would go with me wherever that may be.

What gives you the idea she would be miserable there? She is from a tropical country, of which the climate is almost identical to Florida. The climate here is cold, and she hates winter. She is at home all day with nowhere to go and nothing to do. To me, that is miserable. If we move there will be people to take her places and do things with her. This all routes back to my mother in laws influence. I am absolutely miserable here. My wife and mother in law know it.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

She has her mother and brother around, that may be what is holding her there. Possibly as much as you want to go live closer to your family she want's to stay near her family.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Her mother is not around. She lives in another country. She only comes to visit in the summer time. She can come visit us in FL. I told her to offset her not being able to work here to fund her trip I would help pay her ticket. Her brother has his own life. She sees him twice a week, only because they both attend the same night class. He never comes to the house and she never goes to his. Her aunt, she hasnt seen her or spoke to her since our daughter was born, in the end of December.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Has she said why she doesn't want to move?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So why couldn't the MIL work if she came to stay with you in Fl but she can in RI?


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

My wife won't give me a clear answer as to why she doesn't want to move. I have a feeling her mother is telling her not to and she doesn't want to admit it.

Her mother can't work in FL because of legal reasons. She has contacts in Cape Cod and can work on the side cleaning summer homes. She does this to pay for her trip. I am willing to help pay for her travels to come see us in FL.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm curious as to why she doesn't want to move either. What is really keeping her in Cape Cod... especially if she has no friends or outside interests?

Caprice you may be onto something when you say it could be about her mother coming there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Easy fix. Mom stays in "Home Country" works and saves there rather than allegedly "visiting" for the purpose of sucking money out of the U.S. economy and shipping it to the "Home Country". You're not running a free hotel. If she wants to be a U.S. citizen, she can go through the proper channels. Don't like those manzanas, she can live with her son. 
Wife has no job, no papers, and no prospects. She is unable to help your struggling family, financially. She can't feed or house herself, let alone a husband and baby, too. She can't even drive herself to the grocery store. She can quietly pack up and load up and move to Florida, thereby contributing something to her primary family's future. Maybe she can't juggle but she doesn't get to throw marbles on the floor while you're trying to juggle. She has the right to an opinion. She's expressed it. You've listened. Now, it's time to pack. If she's one of our friends from south of the border, she's probably had a Catholic upbringing. If so, remind her that when Joseph told Mary it was time to leave Bethlehem, Mary didn't give him any static. That ought to get her on the donkey.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Perhaps I should give a little background on the MIL. Widow, doesn't keep a job when in her home country. Bounces from house to house, working odd jobs, always temporarily. Last time she stayed with us she worked all week adn we didn't see a dollar for help with the bills. She sent every dollar back home to live off of when she went back. Making my bills higher. She was with us for 5 months. When I decided to rent a house I told my wife enough was enough and she went back.

While she was with us, she brainwashed my wife to get on a bus to Boston and took her to an abortion clinic. I found out and pulled up as soon as they were walking in the door. 2 weeks after we got married, she made my wife buy a plane ticket to go back to their country and packed all her things up. probably so I wasnt in the picture and she could live with my wife for free watching our baby while my wife worked and supported her for the rest of her life. My wife never gave me good explainations why she did these things but I can only assume it was her mothers influence. Since her mother has been gone she has not done anything like this at all. My MIL wants to control her children and interfere with their lives because she doesn't have a handle on her own life. Every day she calls my wife and tells her to tell her brother to send her more money. Now, I have a feeling, she is trying to prevent our family's growth by convincing her daughter to stay in Cape Cod so she can come live off us for the summer again. This is just speculation but as you can see I have reasons for thinking this.

unbelieveable, I am with you! She is not from south of the border but she was brought up religious. I am financing our family so I feel she should be happy to come along with me. I drew the line and limited her mothers visit to a maximum of 2 months.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You married an illegal alien and that really can't be glossed over for a couple of reasons. One is that it complicates your whole life and the other is that this is a person who skirts the law to get what they want. Lying to the boyfriend/fiance/husband to get an anchor baby and steady paycheck is equally justified. That's why she told you she would go wherever you went, love you until the day she died, etc. 

In such a situation their birth family is the priority, not the husband. 

Looks like she came in just as Rhode Island became illegal alien friendly. In 2011 they dropped the requirement for employers to use the e-verify system to check resident status, revoked its enforcement of federal immigration laws, and gave in-state tuition to illegal aliens.

So Florida has more than one thing going against it, and you as her husband are not much of a priority by comparison. 

This is not someone you reason with. You give them choices. Calmly and firmly. It would be interesting to know how her status as an illegal alien affects child custody in divorce. I would research that.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Our child is not an achor baby. She had no need to latch onto an american. She came from a wealthy part of her country where she was in college and had a decent job. When her father passed away he left her property there also. Believe it or not, people fall in love and have children. She WANTS to work. I will not allow it because I don't want her doing anything illegal. She did not live in Rhode Island, she was there with some friends. I lived in RI.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> she was brought up religious


*There is your key! *

You talk to the local religious leader of your wife's religion.

Explain your situation. Explain that MIL 

is interfering with your marriage
wanted wife to have an abortion
wanted wife to move back to old country with baby
Ask for religious leader's help to set wife straight on her God-given wifely/marital DUTIES.

Set up another appointment with the religious leader for you and YOUR WIFE.

Take her there and let her religious leader 'convince' her to behave like a 'proper wife' as her religion defines it.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

How did you marry if she was here illegally? Don't you need to be here legally for that? And even still as a married couple, it should enable her to, at the very least, obtain a green card so that she can work, if not citizenship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would not be ok with the MIL visiting for more than a week or two. Seriously, that's too many hens in the hen house. Your intimacy will dissolve. Your place as head of the household will be eroded. MIL will attempt to take over, and daughter will support her. 

I'm also highly skeptical about the baby being an anchor baby. If she had so much money in her home country then why does mom bounce from place to place? I have a lot of clients who marry foreign women and this sounds like it's following a similar pattern. What is her home country? Philippines?


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Her mother has money. She gets her late husbands pension but is just a free loader who would rather sleep in other people's houses than pay rent. She is currently having a house constructed on my wifes property there probably with the money shes saved being a freeloader. They are not from the phillipines. She's not from some third world country and desperate for a green card. She doesn't have one yet because its not our top priority. It costs time and money. My wife had a future where she is from but it changed when we met each other. She was enrolled in college studying criminal justice. If she had not met me, she would've returned to her normal life. Me and everyone around me, including my family in Florida whom we have visited twice, once when we went there to get married, knows she is genuine and we don't doubt her for a second.

I didn't come here for an immigration debate. I came here for advise on how to explain to my wife the right thing to do is to move with her husband to better our new family's quality of life.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Caprice said:


> Our child is not an achor baby. She had no need to latch onto an american. She came from a wealthy part of her country where she was in college and had a decent job. When her father passed away he left her property there also. Believe it or not, people fall in love and have children. She WANTS to work. I will not allow it because I don't want her doing anything illegal. She did not live in Rhode Island, she was there with some friends. I lived in RI.


I see. So this wealthy heiress is on vacation from her estate in a foreign country you don't want to name. She's on break from her college, visiting the US illegally, with other friends from the Royal Family. The two of you meet, and as you don't want her to do anything illegal, harbor an illegal alien yourself. 

The husband of the Countess is inexplicably strapped for cash though. In part because the mother of the Countess, while working illegally as a domestic servant, sends every penny home to manage their vast estate. While home, she calls incessantly to ask for money. :scratchhead:

The Countess wishes to facilitate her mother's illegal work on Cape Cod, by harboring, which in itself may be a crime. 

Having immigrated my wife legally, which took years and thousands of dollars in fees plus thousands more in travel plus background checks and interviews, etc. - I can advise that one call to Immigration and Customs Enforcement could have that pesky mother-in-law deported in a jiffy with a bar to re-entry.

You have legal leverage over your illegal alien wife too, and your daughter is a citizen who cannot be removed from the country without your permission. 



> How did you marry if she was here illegally? Don't you need to be here legally for that? And even still as a married couple, it should enable her to, at the very least, obtain a green card so that she can work, if not citizenship.


*BfGuru* - if you are here illegally to begin with then you can't just get your green card by marrying. 

To enter at all she must have a visa, and it is not clear that she did. But even if she initially entered legally she violated whatever the terms of that visa were. Otherwise she would not be "undocumented". 

She should have gone home, then followed the legal process of entering as either a fiance or a spouse. (If this fellow didn't want her to break any laws). Had they followed the law she would already be a permanent resident. Edit: but as he says above, following the law was not their priority.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Listen, you're blowing it out of proportion and exaggerating everything I've said. She came here legally. Once you overstay, you become illegal. They do not have an estate. It's a strip of land and the house her mom is building is a hellhole. In my opinion it's a waste of money. I'm not here to talk about immigration. I know the laws now and its too late. Neither of us knew the laws before but that is not the point. Illegal or not she's my wife now and were in this together just like any other married couple.

Lets try this again. How can I help my wife understand the move is what we should do to better our family?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Caprice said:


> Lets try this again. How can I help my wife understand the move is what we should do to better our family?


Okay, I'll take a crack at this. But I'm going to be my usual blunt self with you. To begin with, I'm almost 60. I've lived a whole lot longer than you. I know, I know ... you are mature for your age, you are well-educated, you and your wife are truly in love ... blah, blah, blah.

You came here asking questions. So if you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. 

That being said, I will give you my answer to the question you have posed. You cannot "help" your wife understand the move. By "help" you mean you want her to go along with your plan. I agree with your points as to why you should move. However, your wife does not wish to see your point of view. Life's hard lessons learned: you cannot make anyone see your point of view, agree with you, or go along with your game plan, unless they want to. 

Forget her mother. The woman is working the system here for her own benefit. Your wife is very young. I think it's pretty normal for her to still feel close to her family. I mean, c'mon ... she is 21 and has not lived a whole lot of life yet. I, too, was 21 back in the Paleolithic Era, and what I learned from life is a whole lot more than I thought I knew way back then.

Man up. Take the lead. You are the breadwinner. Tell your wife you are moving to FL. I don't think arguing about the subject is getting you anywhere. You move. She doesn't like it? Tough. Yes, that sounds harsh, but thus far, none of the logical arguments you are posing are working.

Nobody here can give you specific reasons that will budge your wife off her opinion. You know her - if you haven't been successful thus far, what makes you think strangers in cyberspace will have a better idea.

Again, just make the move. She'll either refuse to go, or will go and probably beyotch about it. I think that's pretty much the way it stands.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

I appreciate the response Prodigal. I didn't make any of those claims you have suggested but that's ok. Maybe I'm mixing things up, but some of these responses feel really aggressive towards me. Honestly, I came on here to see if I was being unreasonable with her. Maybe I gave too much information that wasn't relevant to my problem. 

I have been telling her lately that I am moving to FL and that's my plan.. She says she will stay and I say that's fine I can't force you. Sometimes she agrees to go. Others she refuses. I'm going to stick to my plan and see how it goes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Please forgive me, but if this is all about love from her end, why is she and her mother going to an abortion clinic behind your back? The one advantage to staying in Rhode Island is that it's easier for an illegal to illegally make illegal money. You have an opportunity to save money and leave cheaper in Florida which would be an advantage to you, your wife, and your child but no advantage to those who live in "The Old Country". Your wife wants the former option. That ought to tell you where her priorities lay.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

She is young and has always been by her mothers side. Because of this she is easily manipulated by her mother. She cant stand the fact that someone is taking her daughter away from her. My wife is dealing with a mental tug of war. On one end is her husband looking out for the family's best interest. On the other is her brain washing good for nothing mother still trying to control her.

Once again, we do not live in RI.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Caprice said:


> Listen, you're blowing it out of proportion and exaggerating everything I've said.


That's because you were minimizing, dissembling, and being evasive. How about you start talking straight yourself, and then you can get the same in return? 

Just for example, saying there are "legal reasons" for her mom not wanting to go to Florida: Straight talk would be that she has illegal work lined up in Cape Cod and no illegal work lined up in Florida. 

Your thinking is not clear when you dissemble like this. It is one thing to make a mistake, do your time, and get back on track. But it is another thing to regularly live in contradiction to the law. You don't appreciate apparently how this affects the family you have married into, and you. To such people, lying is something you do to get what you want. There is nothing morally wrong with it. In fact, it would be stupid to tell the truth when lying will work. 

Dealing with that kind of person is different from dealing with normal people. Your wife lied to you about moving wherever you want. This is what I mean about clear thinking. When you are busy rationalizing away all the lies you are living then even recognizing what a lie is becomes difficult. 

She said she would. She refuses to do it. She isn't giving a reason. She lied to you before with the promise, and she's lying to you now about the reason. Lying like this is unacceptable to people who are thinking straight. 



> Illegal or not she's my wife now and were in this together just like any other married couple.


This is worded like it just "happened" instead of being the result of a number of decisions the two of you made. When you can talk straight about this then it means your thinking is clear. 

And no, it isn't like any other married couple. By the way, my wife was 19. 




> Lets try this again. How can I help my wife understand the move is what we should do to better our family?


When you are dealing with this kind of person it is better to give them choices instead of arguing with them. 

You make the choice of Florida better than the choice of staying in Cape Cod. Make Cape Cod too painful to choose.I would just tell her you are moving with her daughter. She is welcome along, but she can't stop you from moving there with your daughter. She is an illegal alien. And you are not going to support her in Cape Cod. You have no obligation to support an illegal alien, and if you wanted you could have her deported. 

If she chooses to stay in Cape Cod, then you know where you stand. So good riddance.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Please bring your illegal to Florida. We here in New England don't want to pay her way when she leaves you. Thank you!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Ok...I'm going to tell you something you're probably not going to hear from anyone else, but..You are the leader of your family, and from what you are saying, you provide the bacon. My H's father had a similar experience with his W years ago, she didn't want to move where he felt was best for the family, they ended up D. You both cannot live for her mother. That spells disaster. And from what you've explained, her mother is hindering you both more then helping. And you've expressed your desire to be around family in order to keep sane. 

So..my advice is to sit your W down, calmly explain that you feel this is the best thing for you, her and your 3 year old. Show your authority (not in a mean way -- in an assertive way) and express how you will keep her safe no matter what. She needs to be able to feel secure in order to uproot and move. Make sure also before you move to Florida, that your family and your W are on good terms, so that your W will transition well. 

Call me old fashioned....but without listening to my H's instruction sometimes, I don't know where I would be right now


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

=Caprice
Stick to your plan. 

Stop discussing it because you have already explained it 
Perfectly clearly to her. 

The more you 'talk', no matter what you say, she hears weakness and 
Uncertainty. 

If she raises it you simply say: I hope you join me in Florida. 
And I accept that you may choose not to. And then end the conversation. 

Don't justify, explain or ask her questions. Remind her one time when the lease is 30 days from expiry. 

She either loves you and will come or doesn't and she won't. 

Stop reminding her of her promise to move wherever you want. 

It doesn't matter and it sounds like a negotiation, which you don't want. 

Good luck. 


584199]She is young and has always been by her mothers side. Because of this she is easily manipulated by her mother. She cant stand the fact that someone is taking her daughter away from her. My wife is dealing with a mental tug of war. On one end is her husband looking out for the family's best interest. On the other is her brain washing good for nothing mother still trying to control her.

Once again, we do not live in RI.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Why should his wife move if she doesn't want too? Why should she follow him? She has some family where she is and a young baby. She wants to see her mother regularly. That's pretty understandable if you ask me.

MEM, I usually love your advice, but I don't this time. Why is it up to the OP alone to decide where they live? And what, he's just going to leave his 21 year old wife with no prospect of employment and a 3 month old infant just because she doesn't want to move states? Nice.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Caprice said:


> Perhaps I should give a little background on the MIL. Widow, doesn't keep a job when in her home country. Bounces from house to house, working odd jobs, always temporarily. Last time she stayed with us she worked all week adn we didn't see a dollar for help with the bills. She sent every dollar back home to live off of when she went back. Making my bills higher. She was with us for 5 months. When I decided to rent a house I told my wife enough was enough and she went back.
> 
> While she was with us, she brainwashed my wife to get on a bus to Boston and took her to an abortion clinic. I found out and pulled up as soon as they were walking in the door. 2 weeks after we got married, she made my wife buy a plane ticket to go back to their country and packed all her things up. probably so I wasnt in the picture and she could live with my wife for free watching our baby while my wife worked and supported her for the rest of her life.



I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem like a healthy beginning to their family. MIL is going to tear them to shreds before moving to Florida will


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caprice,

Do you have a job lined up in Florida? What are the employment opportunities like where you want to move?


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> When you are dealing with this kind of person it is better to give them choices instead of arguing with them.
> 
> You make the choice of Florida better than the choice of staying in Cape Cod. Make Cape Cod too painful to choose.I would just tell her you are moving with her daughter. She is welcome along, but she can't stop you from moving there with your daughter. She is an illegal alien. And you are not going to support her in Cape Cod. You have no obligation to support an illegal alien, and if you wanted you could have her deported.
> 
> If she chooses to stay in Cape Cod, then you know where you stand. So good riddance.


Thanks Wiseforit. This is what I'm leaning towards. 



somethingelse said:


> Ok...I'm going to tell you something you're probably not going to hear from anyone else, but..You are the leader of your family, and from what you are saying, you provide the bacon. My H's father had a similar experience with his W years ago, she didn't want to move where he felt was best for the family, they ended up D. You both cannot live for her mother. That spells disaster. And from what you've explained, her mother is hindering you both more then helping. And you've expressed your desire to be around family in order to keep sane.
> 
> So..my advice is to sit your W down, calmly explain that you feel this is the best thing for you, her and your 3 year old. Show your authority (not in a mean way -- in an assertive way) and express how you will keep her safe no matter what. She needs to be able to feel secure in order to uproot and move. Make sure also before you move to Florida, that your family and your W are on good terms, so that your W will transition well.
> 
> Call me old fashioned....but without listening to my H's instruction sometimes, I don't know where I would be right now


I'm a bit old fashioned myself. Maybe thats why I feel it is right for her to follow my lead. My grandmother followed her husband wherever he went when he was in the Navy all over the country. My mother followed my Father when he wanted to make the move to FL from NY.



MEM11363 said:


> =Caprice
> Stick to your plan.
> 
> Stop discussing it because you have already explained it
> ...


Again, this is the direction I'm headed with this situation.



Lyris said:


> Why should his wife move if she doesn't want too? Why should she follow him? She has some family where she is and a young baby. She wants to see her mother regularly. That's pretty understandable if you ask me.
> 
> MEM, I usually love your advice, but I don't this time. Why is it up to the OP alone to decide where they live? And what, he's just going to leave his 21 year old wife with no prospect of employment and a 3 month old infant just because she doesn't want to move states? Nice.


If you read my posts, her family is not there for her. Her mother lives out of country. The two family members that are local barely see her. They do not contribute to our family at all. Did they call and offer us to come to their homes for Thanksgiving? Drop by to visit? No, we stayed home by ourselves. Christmas? Easter? All the while my big happy family was all together for those occasions and not crying and feeling lonely like we were.



EleGirl said:


> Caprice,
> 
> Do you have a job lined up in Florida? What are the employment opportunities like where you want to move?


While I don't have a job lined up yet, I have been looking and there are several job positions open in my line of work. I am currently in a management position in the Automotive industry. I am a smart kid and present myself well. I don't think I'll have trouble finding work. But don't think I havn't thought about that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I believe that if a person has a large, very supportive, then it's a very good idea to live near them for the support and love.

Her family does not sound supportive at all. Her mother sounds like a user. You would do best to minimze her staying at your home.

If you do move to FL and she follows you, make sure that your family fusses over your wife and makes a very strong attempt to befriend her. If they don't then the move would not make it any better for your wife than where you are right now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just going to put this out there: the apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree. Her mom is likely close to what she'll be like in a few years.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I believe that if a person has a large, very supportive, then it's a very good idea to live near them for the support and love.
> 
> Her family does not sound supportive at all. Her mother sounds like a user. You would do best to minimze her staying at your home.
> 
> If you do move to FL and she follows you, make sure that your family fusses over your wife and makes a very strong attempt to befriend her. If they don't then the move would not make it any better for your wife than where you are right now.


My family is very warm and welcoming. They love my wife and treat her like they would treat anyone else in the family. My sisters are always out and about and would take my wife with them all the time. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> Just going to put this out there: the apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree. Her mom is likely close to what she'll be like in a few years.


While that may be true, I'm trying to get her away from that lifestyle her mom lives in. I want her to have a secure home and a good family.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Easy fix. Mom stays in "Home Country" works and saves there rather than allegedly "visiting" for the purpose of sucking money out of the U.S. economy and shipping it to the "Home Country". You're not running a free hotel. If she wants to be a U.S. citizen, she can go through the proper channels.


seriously! you're stuck and miserable just because your MIL wants to scam the system? f*ck that. where are your wife's priorities?

usually i'm the one saying that no couple should make a drastic location change unless both partners are 100% enthusiastic about it. as i said in another thread, i emigrated to the US (legally) and i completely get what it's like to feel like you don't have choices, to feel isolated, powerless, etc. But this is a different story- your wife can't give you any reason to stay in your state besides that it helps her toxic user of a mother to work illegally? that's not good enough.

(and taking her to an abortion clinic behind your back? holy sh*t. honestly i would make the mother's life hell for that. like 'call ICE on her' type of hell.)

and honestly, the poster upthread who said it takes a certain kind of person to live in a way that breaks the law is correct. these people really believe that lying is not ethically wrong- it's just a tool to get what you want, and telling the truth is for suckers because it usually doesn't get you what you want. if these people are okay with lying and deceiving with regard to the law, don't be foolish enough to think you can trust either of them to be honest with you. You've already seen a taste of that with the abortion clinic disaster. She and her mother have no problem deceiving and lying to you. Realize this and factor it into your decisions.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lyris said:


> Why should his wife move if she doesn't want too? Why should she follow him? She has some family where she is and a young baby. She wants to see her mother regularly. That's pretty understandable if you ask me.
> 
> MEM, I usually love your advice, but I don't this time. Why is it up to the OP alone to decide where they live? And what, he's just going to leave his 21 year old wife with no prospect of employment and a 3 month old infant just because she doesn't want to move states? Nice.


She should follow him because she made a baby with him and she married him. She can offer no reasonable alternative. Without him, she and the baby starve. If she had or could get a better paying job, then we can talk. The only thing Rhode Island offers him is more exploitation. The only thing she is offering him is more exploitation. Staying in place is financial suicide. She isn't offering any other solutions so she gets in the car. Don't want to be a dependant? Get an education, make your own bread, and then you have something to negotiate with. If his is the only income (and it is) they go where he thinks is most advantageous. Partners negotiate. Dependants must be content to eat whatever the provider puts on the table and live under whatever roof he is able to erect, wherever he erects it. My kids don't get to order what I buy at the grocery store or where we live, either. They are dependants. If I am 100% solely responsible for the family's financial survival, I say what we can afford. I'll listen and give proper weight to my dependant wife's position, but if my labor and my decision mean success or starvation for my family, I will have the final say.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm with you 100% unbelievable. :iagree: I see your point about what you put on the table. Not only do I work, but I do all the cooking. (She does every other house chore so it evens out for me) If she doesn't like what I buy or cook she never complains and eats it. Fortunately, she understands that and I buy what I want and/or feel we can afford at the time. I'm in complete control of the finances. We are really balanced in our relationship. The only things we argue about is her mothers visitation and the fact I want to relocate us away from here. Anything else is just healthy bickering/speaking our mind.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

So we had another discussion. We didn't fight or argue. I just calmly laid out the facts for her. I brought up a few valid points you guys have given me and she listened to what I had to say. She agrees that it is better for us in the long run to make this big change in our lives. I made some compromises with her and as of right now we will follow my plan.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Move your wife to Florida. Let momma stay with her son on her 5 month visits, give her money for a bus ticket to FL. if she wants to visit. 

I moved my wife away from her family when I lost my job...She hated it. So did the kids. My 14 YO ran away from home...We made the move, within 3 months they all settled in, within 6 months they loved it. 

Best move I ever made. Money got much better, if I had stayed near her family, trade unions would have held me back...In the new location, with no union, I was promoted for my ability...WENT FROM A QA SUPERVISOR TO A PRODUCTION ENGINEER IN 3 YEARS...I was making twice the money I would have before we moved......

My wife learned to love the new home, got a driving license and a job...WE HAVE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks Woodchuck. It will take time to adjust, I'm not 100% but I have a good feeling she will love it there as well. She is very resistant to change because she lost her father at a young age and her mother moved her all over the place never having a stable home. So she has the mindset that everything in in her life is temporary. I'm trying to settle in one place with lots of family so she can feel secure.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> .. Dependants must be content to eat whatever the provider puts on the table and live under whatever roof he is able to erect, wherever he erects it. My kids don't get to order what I buy at the grocery store or where we live, either. They are dependants. If I am 100% solely responsible for the family's financial survival, I say what we can afford. I'll listen and give proper weight to my dependant wife's position, but if my labor and my decision mean success or starvation for my family, I will have the final say.


I agree. Beggars can't be choosers.

OP, read MMSL. There are roles in relationships and you have your role...be the man and do what is best for your family.

OP, I know Portuguese people who do what your mother in-law is doing...work here illegally, free-load off of their relatives by not paying rent and sending all their illegal income home. Really taking advantage of the system, but people like YOU who allow them to rape the system to appease their family are responsible. You let that happen for 6 months right under your own roof.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

It wasn't my house to say anything, but I did say a lot about it, trust me. I had moved in with my wife and her brother, before we married. It was their house. When I moved and got a house for me and my wife, I sent her mother packing. :smthumbup:


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Caprice said:


> Thanks Woodchuck. It will take time to adjust, I'm not 100% but I have a good feeling she will love it there as well. She is very resistant to change because she lost her father at a young age and her mother moved her all over the place never having a stable home. So she has the mindset that everything in in her life is temporary. I'm trying to settle in one place with lots of family so she can feel secure.


This mentality is terribly destructive of character. It is a scamming mentality. Forever in a position of insecurity, just living for today.

Until she is a legal resident she will always have a need to placate her mother and home country as a person and place of refuge. She is not secure here as an illegal alien, and it thwarts her personal development - no driver's license, severe occupational restrictions, education, the risks of getting involved in anything that might cause her status to be revealed to authorities...

This has much to do with why her mother has undue influence.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

As soon as I establish myself with employment after the move, we will start the legal process of changing her status and getting on our way to a normal life.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I happen to be very, very strongly against illegal immigration, and even I think some of the responses here were overly harsh. I

As far as the mother goes, anonymously report her activities to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). If she's working here making unreported income while on a tourist visa she's violating several rules at the same time. Oh, and call the IRS and let them know what she is doing too. That should get her out of your hair for awhile. In fact, she might get banned from the country altogether.

As far as your wife goes, you have your solution already, *you just need to be patient enough to do it.* She can return to her home country, apply for a visa on the basis of being married to a US citizen, then she will be allowed to return and to work. My wife, a legal immigrant (now a US citizen) did the same thing. It took about two months for the paperwork to go through (although this was back in the 1990s).


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

That was an option we had discussed. But, with our child being only 3 months old and breast fed, I don't think it's the best option right now.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

;1583139 said:


> You married an illegal alien and that really can't be glossed over for a couple of reasons. One is that it complicates your whole life and the other is that this is a person who skirts the law to get what they want. Lying to the boyfriend/fiance/husband to get an anchor baby and steady paycheck is equally justified. That's why she told you she would go wherever you went, love you until the day she died, etc.
> 
> In such a situation their birth family is the priority, not the husband.
> 
> ...


Really, why would you do that? He never anything about divorce. And I dont see anything saying she is not a fit parent.

You don't take a child away from a parent. Except under extreme circumstances. I'm so tired of seeing advice given like this, often to 'get back' at the 'offending' spouse. Please remember that this is horrible for a child and do not say these things lightly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Ok I'm still stuck on the fact that she went and had an abortion behind your back. You're ok with that? That doesn't send up a flaming bright red flag to you? :scratchhead:


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Is your wife Portuguese? That would make sense since there's a large community in RI and Mass. Maybe they don't want to leave that behind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Ok I'm still stuck on the fact that she went and had an abortion behind your back. You're ok with that? That doesn't send up a flaming bright red flag to you? :scratchhead:


Her mother is a manipulating brain washer. She was convinced to go by her mother. If you read what I posted, she didn't get one and we have a beautiful baby girl. I stopped them at the door and without hesitation she left with me. 



BrockLanders said:


> Is your wife Portuguese? That would make sense since there's a large community in RI and Mass. Maybe they don't want to leave that behind?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is not Portuguese.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Why didn't you guys do runs to Canada to keep her status legal? It's only a 6 hour drive.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Really, why would you do that? He never anything about divorce. And I dont see anything saying she is not a fit parent.
> 
> You don't take a child away from a parent. Except under extreme circumstances. I'm so tired of seeing advice given like this, often to 'get back' at the 'offending' spouse. Please remember that this is horrible for a child and do not say these things lightly.


You should be tired of yourself inventing advice that was never given.


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## Caprice (Apr 2, 2013)

For some reason my post here popped into my head and I decided to update. We did in fact make the move and while she was reluctant in the beginning she loves it here. We're still together, the legal process for her to stay here legally is over with and our daughter is 5 years old now. Everything is going great. Thanks everyone for your input.. btw, the mother in law is back home where she came from and not able to re-enter the US due to her repeatedly overstaying when she would visit. We did go visit her this summer.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear it's going well.


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