# The Big M (Menopause)



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

I am not the only one from what I read but I am still confused.
Have I had the best sex I will ever have if I remain married?
Is this it?
:-(

Hard to talk to anyone about this stuff so that's why I'm here


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why does she tell you there is not more sex in your relationship during this?


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

If that is still there then I will persist


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Check out this article. 

The Relationship Between Adrenal Function and Menopausal Symptoms ? Naturopathic Doctor News and Review

Look into bio-identical hormones and find a doctor that tests all the hormones separately and then works to balance them correctly.

Yes menopause can be bad - but it doesn't have to be. Get on your computer and start googling menopause. Tons of help available.

Bio-identical hormones was my life saver. I lost sexual feeling in my clitoris and lost the ability to have orgasms. My vaginal tissues were drying out, PIV was often painful, and I started getting UTI s - one after another. My emotions were a mess - I was a mess - and not much fun to be around. 

Now I am fully sexually functioning - even enjoying multiple orgasms (discovered them after menopause). No UTI s, sex is pleasurable, not painful anymore. My life is good. Its been almost 10 years now! 

No your sex life does not have to be over. Get busy - there is help - if your wife is willing to seek it.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Sounds like menopause is not the only issue. Seek a counselor too! You both have some work to do!!!!


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

Have considered that and mentioned it to her but I think we are both reluctant because it could make things worse. Personally I would rather try and work it out ourselves.


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

I'll tell you what really hurt.

I was dumbfounded.
ha


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

The counseling or the hormones might make things worse?


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

How long have you guys been married? My husband and I are just a bit younger than you, we are dealing with the menopause issue (the range of this does vary considerably from woman to woman), but it is something we talk about and are able to discuss easily. It affects you both. Your communication shouldn't be done through Facebook. Do you spend quality time together (date nights), things of that nature?


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

my husband and I are about your age, married 32 years, and dealing with the menopause issue around 6 months too. Her symptoms could be totally different than mine, but depending on what ones she is dealing with they can make you not want yourself , never mind someone else. They can really get the best of you, especially the no sleep one (that's the biggest one I deal with). Lack of sleep can turn you into a different person. Not to mention, it can just be a really hard time for some women, it makes you feel every bit your age and more and that can be hard for some women to face. You don't feel attractive, you just feel old.

A lot of caring and compassion can go a long way here. Talk to her, let her know you find her attractive and desirable. Bring her home some flowers for no reason, especially on a day you know she is having a hard time. When I asked about date night, I didn't mean with friends, I meant just you two...a date, not fast food, not grocery shopping, but a date. But mostly, you need to talk. You do just have to deal with menopause, but if you let her know you are on her team and you want to help her through this and its not just about lack of sex. But that needs to be addressed too, but not stressed as all you care about.

And, yes you need to figure out which anniversary you are on 😁 Before it gets here, and for gods sake don't forget the actual date it falls on. Do it up big, you might just get lucky 😍


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Menopause is different for every woman. My aunty went thru it for over 10 years. She was so miserable with the hot flashes and everything else.

I am just peri at this time and it can be bad. Your body is reacting to everything quite differently. I wake up sweating or with chills. My boods feel like they are on fire. My moods at certain times are BAD. I have headaches like crazy. Plus UTIs. It feels pretty bad. Last night I told my H he was breathing hot air on my body. His breath for some reason just felt hotter than usually. But I know it's me not him.

I would recommend you read up on this and do your own research. Just try to be kind and gentle. And like other poster recommended get help from professionals if you feel like you need it.

Maybe, take this time to reevlauate your marriage and look for ways to rebuild and make it better. 

Good luck. Also, you might want to get this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Menop...&sr=8-1&keywords=christine+northrup+menopause


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

APerson said:


> I'm 57 wife is 54. She's been going through Menopause for last 6 months or more. I am just starting to come to terms with it and all it's effects. And they are huge. She is like a different woman. No sex at all and I have just given up in that area which gets me angry, sad and depressed big time.
> I am not the only one from what I read but I am still confused.
> *Have I had the best sex I will ever have if I remain married?
> Is this it?*
> ...


In answer to your actual question, probably yes. Unless she gets some medical intervention in the form of hormone treatment of some type, which can range from full replacement to some things applied topically don't expect much improvement. 

I'm sure there is a wide range of female experiences with menopause but your wife sounds like the unfavorable end of the curve as far as future sex life goes. You can hope for it not being zero but it'll likely never be the same with no medical action. 

Redefine what sex means, doesn't have to be PIV.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

When things do settle down you will still be faced with the dryness issue... my wife and I found coconut oil is the best thing in the world, beats any other lubricant. 

Healthy stuff for all kinds of pleasures from cooking to playing! 

Lots of patience is the key... my wife went from jump into it at a moment's notice to 20-30 minutes warming up, but it's worth every minute spent!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Anon Pink


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tools every husband needs for his menopausal wife:

Always keep a folder handy so you can fan her during hot flashes.

Always keep a chocolate bar handy to stave off the draining effects of the invisible dementors that hover over us and swoop in to suck out any semblance of peace as soon as it happens.

Coconut oil for no strings attached back massage and for vagina, dryness. Lots and lots of it!

Also, estrogen cream helps rebuild vaginal walls that have thinned as a result of menopause.

I started perimenopausal hot flashes and vaginal dryness 8-9 years ago. 2 years ago I had my last period...yippee! 1 year ago I went on HRT. Now I have mini periods every month but all the other menopausal symptoms have either disappeared or lessened to very tolerable levels.

Do not believe the hype about bio-identical hormone replacement. Have your wife see a GYN who specializes in menopause symptoms.

Hot flashes, night sweats, swift mood changes, vaginal dryness, loss of libido, inability to orgasm... None of these were in the tolerable range prior to HRT. About a month into HRT and I could once again orgasm, several months later I had a slight libido return. I may never again have the kind of drive I once did, and I lament that, but I'm glad I am now able to respond with arousal even if I begin without being aroused. I may never again have orgasms so hard I feel ready to pass out, but I am glad I can now have orgasms and they still are really good!

A lot of women assume that they are faced with a Sophie's choice of mitigating menopausal symptoms, take hormones and end up with cancer or osteoporosis, or stroke...or accept their sex life is over.

It is not over. Do not go gentle into the long night.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

That's what I said . Medical intervention or you are done


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

mary35 said:


> Get busy - there is help - *if your wife is willing to seek it*.


The bolded is what matters. 

Why should she be willing to seek help?



APerson said:


> I have ..... just moved away from her emotionally.


Because the above is what's going to happen if the situation isn't addressed.



APerson said:


> But today actually I have decided to accept the sex thing and try to be more caring towards her


That's a commendable attitude to have.

It'll only work if the situation is temporary. Otherwise, the resentment will eat you alive.

I'm thinking that, from her perspective, she's just considering the sexual portion of your marriage to be over.

It would seem as if just being really nice about it would motivate her to look into considering your needs.

But, it's probably just gong to convince her that you're okay with the new normal.

Hopefully you've been a good enough husband for her to care about your happiness and work on solutions (not that your being a good husband necessarily means that she cares about your happiness).


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That is extremely selfish of her to just refuse to talk about it. Doesn't she like sex?


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

APerson said:


> In this situation I can understand why some men may have affairs.
> If there is no solution and they are just damn depressed can you blame them?


Yes, you can blame them. Sexual fidelity is a must in marriage. Solve the issues in the marriage. If your spouse is unwilling to participate in resolution, then you have the option to end the marriage. Divorce is better than adultery.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

APerson said:


> she was in a great mood yesterday when she came back from being out with some old friends she hadn't seen for a long time.
> Gave her a kiss on the cheek before I got out of bed today. Might try little things like that.
> No reply to my Facebook PM question as yet BTW



You're waiting for her to answer your Facebook PM asking her if she loves you?

Oh dear. 

Your wife needs you and you are waiting for her to meet your needs. This won't end well if that's your strategy.

There have been several posts discussing in more detail what happens to a woman during menopause and not once have you acknowledged that your wife is going through something that is making HER miserable. You are only focused on how to have a sex life again.

At one point, before I made an appointment with a GYN specializing in menopause my husband insisted I see a doctor because I was so miserable and felt hopeless that ANY let alone ALL of my menopause symptoms could be adequately addressed. He sat me down and insisted I start looking through lists, he showed me articles about menopause that pointed out ways a doctor can help and he even gave me insurance "help line" info who could also help find the right doctor. He addressed how I was feeling, not how my misery was affecting him. 

Focus on what she's going through and discover ways to support her.


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

why do you need a plan to be thoughtful and caring? 

Dude, if you need a plan, a reminder, for this....perhaps this is what killed your sex life?

Menopause is liberating. Once I hit that stage in my life I was done taking any sh!t from anybody for any reason and that includes thoughtlessness from a husband!!! Lucky for him, I love sex and desire it too much to wait until he deserves! I'm the on who deserves it!


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

um my name's not Dude and I can feel your Liberation from here.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm with AP, you should not have to "plan" to be a great husband and yep there is probably a whole lot more to this story, would be interesting to hear her version.

49 here, post menopause and was fortunate (lucky I have been a vegetarian for decades with a very healthy diet) to not suffer much at all with peri menopause. Sex is still daily and more on the weekends. MrH is a great man, I want to have sex with him.


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## APerson (Sep 25, 2016)

..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

APerson said:


> so an ideal marriage just happens. Shouldn't have to do a thing. Sorry I haven't gotten that far and am such a failure. Silly me thought that you are continually making adjustments depending on what stages each other are going through in their lives.


No it does take some effort. You're right and I apologize for jumping on you. We do have to make "plans" or concerted effort to alter ourselves in order to better meet the needs of others we love.

When you said "here's the plan..." It sounded manipulative and disengenuous.


----------

