# No contact make up success?



## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I find articles all over that say the no contact method is the right thing to do to get your ex back. I'm doing it right now with my ex fiancé. But who has done this and did it work? Please tell me your actual experience


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loverguy said:


> I find articles all over that say the no contact method is the right thing to do to get your ex back. I'm doing it right now with my ex fiancé. But who has done this and did it work? Please tell me your actual experience


It's not about getting your SO back it's about getting yourself back. If she comes back that may be good or not, but you should detach so you can make a better unemotional decision.

Also from looking at your back story you messed up. I don't think when you are the one who messed up you should be doing the 180, unless she tells you she is done. I also don't think you need to beg, but you need to engage. What happened to wooing her?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Patience and understanding yourself and why you chose to be selfish over selfless is key here just like @sokillme said.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

The advice you need is already in your other threads. You are here in this thread because you do not want to follow the advice given and you are looking for a quick trick.

The only possible way to get her back, and the odds are very very slim, is to improve yourself. That takes time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, it doesn't work that way because that's not its purpose. You've had lots of advice already. It's apparently just not what you want to hear.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Why is everyone so negative. I am just asking if folks have had success with the 30 day no contact. 

I've tried and tried to make things up to her. I'm working on myself. I'm reading the books. I'm doing all of the advice given


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I haven't read your other threads yet, but I can tell you right now - you are DOING IT WRONG.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

loverguy said:


> I find articles all over that say the no contact method is the right thing to do to get your ex back. I'm doing it right now with my ex fiancé. But who has done this and did it work? Please tell me your actual experience


When you take any action, you *must* realize that others might take you seriously. That means that your ex fiance can very well take the lack of contact as proof you have moved on.

There are reasons why certain methods can get a desired outcome. This tends to mean that individuals think they need to play games or give negativity to others, so that they will do what we want them to do.

Your ex might be over you. Your actions could be signaling to them that you don't want to be with them.

I recommend an emotionally intelligent approach, not one that boils down to game-playing or manipulation.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

loverguy said:


> Why is everyone so negative. I am just asking if folks have had success with the 30 day no contact.
> 
> I've tried and tried to make things up to her. I'm working on myself. I'm reading the books. I'm doing all of the advice given


 @loverguy

You're under a misconception. If you understood the advice, you would have noted that the goals you should be working toward have nothing to do with winning her back. That's why so many post appear negative.

Let that outcome go and you will stop chasing your tail. 

Best


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

loverguy said:


> Why is everyone so negative. I am just asking if folks have had success with the 30 day no contact.
> 
> I've tried and tried to make things up to her. I'm working on myself. I'm reading the books. I'm doing all of the advice given


I'm sorry, but I guess the success rate for the 30-day no contact plan is close to zero. If the relationship ended because you messed up, then try contacting her in one year if you haven't moved on yet. 

When I was 20 years old, my gf of three years suddenly dumped me over the phone and then slept around for awhile. 

She contacted me six months later to meet. I met her and then found out that she only wanted to meet and hang out for one evening. After seeing her for one evening, I was again at step 1 in the grieving process. 

Two years later, she called me again, but I was strong enough then to say no. Sometimes we don't get another chance.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> No, it doesn't work that way because that's not its purpose. You've had lots of advice already. It's apparently just not what you want to hear.


To be fair, he's probably pretty miserable now and understandably feeling desperate for his pain to end.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm sorry, but I guess the success rate for the 30-day no contact plan is close to zero. If the relationship ended because you messed up, then try contacting her in one year if you haven't moved on yet.
> 
> When I was 20 years old, my gf of three years suddenly dumped me over the phone and then slept around for awhile.
> 
> ...


Bet her husband ends up posting on here one day. If not already. Or God forbid SI. :surprise:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> To be fair, he's probably pretty miserable now and understandably feeling desperate for his pain to end.


As I would imagine we all have been at some point on TAM. But if you are desperate enough to ask for advice from a group of strangers then it's to your benefit to listen.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

To relationship teacher. Yes I agree. I know this woman very well and ignoring her is just not going to work. I'm the one who screwed up. So what do you believe is an emotionally intelligent way to approach this? I don't want to play games which the no contact feels like. I totally disagree that I'm suppossed to turn down any contact from her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let me see. What does every woman want?

A man who jilts her twice then when the going gets tough dumps her and runs away to hide, leaving her homeless and up s**t creek without a paddle!

You have set yourself a huge task. It is going to take years for her to even think of you without wanting to do you immense physical harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Thanks Matt real helpful


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@loverguy 

I just read your other thread about woo-ing....Damn...You need to ask yourself some questions....Post the answers here...it will tell everyone quite a bit about you...but mostly -it will help you understand what is really happening..

1. Why should she take you back?

2. Why are you worthy of her forgiveness?

3. What is different now...about you...that would make a difference in your relationship? 

4. Why her? What makes her so special? 

Post the answers...It's gonna help


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

''No contact'' is a good method, but only really designed for getting over an ex, and moving past the pain of an ended relationship. It's not meant to be a game you use to get your ex back into your life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

loverguy said:


> Thanks Matt real helpful


Well, what do you want? The truth or someone to tell you that reading books and going no contact will give her time to reconsider?

As a woman, I can tell you that when I was done, I was DONE. I don't think anyone is trying to condemn you. But you need to purge her from your mind. It takes time and effort. Look at it this way: She may reconsider. You may reconsider. She could likely find someone else. You could likely find someone else.

I went no contact with both of my husbands. Why? For my sanity and to FINALLY figure out the second time around that I had too many issues to attract a good partner/mate. 

I implemented no contact to find myself and to ultimately save myself. Some relationships are just not meant to be.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Married Dude.. I will answers those questions

1. Why should she take you back?
becuse we have so much history. We know each other inside out. We have had happy times. 

2. Why are you worthy of her forgiveness?
tough one, first off I have forgiven her for her errors. Also, I have changed. New job that is stable, making better decisions, I have not abandoned her again. 

3. What is different now...about you...that would make a difference in your relationship? 
Same stuff as #2. I am also in therapy to work hard on my faults. I have had a HUGE epithany and truly understand how bad I hurt her and how great I had it. I appreciate her so much more now. I am willing to do the work 


4. Why her? What makes her so special? 
I love her dearly. She has a huge heart. She can be very loving. I just don't want anyone else. when we are good I am happy. I love making her happy 

Post the answers...It's gonna help


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> To relationship teacher. Yes I agree. I know this woman very well and ignoring her is just not going to work. I'm the one who screwed up. So what do you believe is an emotionally intelligent way to approach this? I don't want to play games which the no contact feels like. I totally disagree that I'm suppossed to turn down any contact from her.


Are you even reading the excellent advice you've received on this thread?

You don't ignore her to try to get her to come around, that's an ineffective manipulative tactic that might produce temporary results at best.

No you don't ignore her, you don't turn down any contact from her but you do back off and let her come to you and assume an attitude of "detached indifference". 

No contact feels like a game because you're treating it like a game. It's like an alcoholic saying "refusing that beer doesn't feel right".

True behavioral change takes time and effort, and it doesn't feel right at first.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

loverguy said:


> ... first off I have forgiven her for her errors. Also, I have changed. New job that is stable, making better decisions, I have not abandoned her again.
> 
> I am also in therapy to work hard on my faults. I have had a HUGE epithany and truly understand how bad I hurt her and how great I had it. I appreciate her so much more now. I am willing to do the work


What will you do if she decides she doesn't want you back after all the effort you are making?

I ask because it sounds like the effort is targeted more towards getting her back rather than improving yourself just for the sake of improvement.

JMO.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I will have to move on if I don't get her back. She texted me at 3 am last night. More of the venting about past mistakes. She said how I don't ask how she is. Which is not true at all. I'm thinking she was lonely but just couldn't say so. 

Still only responding when she reaches out. I have asked everyday if I can do anything for her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loverguy said:


> Married Dude.. I will answers those questions
> 
> 1. Why should she take you back?
> becuse we have so much history. We know each other inside out. We have had happy times.
> ...


But *none* of those are reasons why she should want you back.

They are reasons why* you* want her to want you back, but that's not the same thing.

You like making her happy? You jilted her twice, then you abandoned her and threw her to the wolves. 

How was that intended to make her happy? 

Why are you arguing with us? You are like someone who, by being grossly negligent, has set fire to your house and are now shouting at the fire fighters for getting wet footprints on your downstairs carpets.

I am trying to understand your thinking, but it's not easy.

PS You have forgiven her for her errors? Oh, OK. What errors were those, please?


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

The error I e forgiven her for is cheating and lying. In 2014 she broke up and lived this huge lie about living with her sister. She was living with another man. 

She did all this sexting with her ex husband. Even as recent as July. But I understand. She was not getting emotional affection from me 


Honestly I guess I have no solid reasons why she should forgive. In my book unconditional love says you forgive no matter what. As long as the other party is remorseful and shows a willingness to change. Like with my kids. 

I don't want to stop trying but I'm loosing my energy for it. She has nothing nice to say and she's dating. I'm being ultra nice and letting her know I care. I'm not lashing back. Honestly her contacting me is just confusing. If she means it when she says we are done and she will never forgive. Then why contact me?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loverguy said:


> The error I e forgiven her for is cheating and lying. In 2014 she broke up and lived this huge lie about living with her sister. She was living with another man.
> 
> She did all this sexting with her ex husband. Even as recent as July. But I understand. She was not getting emotional affection from me
> 
> ...


:wtf:

Oh. This situation is so messed up.

Not sure if the no contact idea is workable, here.

Have you tried couple's counselling?

Why did she break up with you and live with another man?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

loverguy said:


> Honestly I guess I have no solid reasons why she should forgive. In my book unconditional love says you forgive no matter what.


She's not reading the same book. Why does she contact you? Well, if you get a text or call at 3 a.m., it says to me she got up to use the bathroom and decided to torment you a little more. She wanted to vent before the break of dawn? Yikes! This isn't about unconditional love or forgiveness. There is waaayyyy too much drama here to even smack of something remotely healthy.

Going no contact means you block her on all social media. Go dark. Being so nice to her simply gives her an avenue to continue b!tching about how you did her wrong.

And a P.S about "unconditional" love. Nobody has it. I think dogs do, to a large degree. You can beat them, starve them, abandon them, and they can still love. Humans? Nah. If you don't believe me, read some threads in the CWI forum.

Forget this woman and work on yourself. Partners who f^ck around and lie don't even love themselves, let alone anyone else. Seriously.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

It doesn't matter. That was 2 years ago. 
I'm just worn out. I've been at this now fur 9 months. Enough. She told me today she need time and space. Of course in s text. Well I'm not gonna sit back and wait while she's out dating. Then I'll just get a message that she's found a great guy and goodbye. Already done that. 

Just no more fight left


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loverguy said:


> It doesn't matter. That was 2 years ago.
> I'm just worn out. I've been at this now fur 9 months. Enough. She told me today she need time and space. Of course in s text. Well I'm not gonna sit back and wait while she's out dating. Then I'll just get a message that she's found a great guy and goodbye. Already done that.
> 
> Just no more fight left


Time to move on and work on yourself.

If counselling is an option, accept it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

" I have had a HUGE epithany and truly understand how bad I hurt her *and how great I had it*."

This right here, is what it's all about.

She isn't your mommy. She wants a man and you don't qualify. Go home and get your parents to finish raising you. And, leave women alone until you are mature enough to take responsibility for your mistakes.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> She said how I don't ask how she is. Which is not true at all.


There's your truth, her truth and "the" truth.

All that matters now (if there is to be any chance at all to get her back) is her truth, and the sooner you realize that the better things will go for you



loverguy said:


> Still only responding when she reaches out. I have asked everyday if I can do anything for her.


Yes, well you continue to shoot yourself in the foot, and while it's rather frustrating to read about your continued failure, there's nothing anyone can do to change the situation except you.

As others have suggested more or less, you're being needy, weak and too available. In case you're interested in what I'm saying but you aren't keeping up, I am suggesting that you stop being so available, which is exactly what you're doing by saying "is there anything else I can do". If there's any chance she'll come around, she needs to know that you are moving on, and her decision to leave is no longer her choice. Put yourself in her place for a moment, perhaps for the very first time you've ever done so. She sees you backing off, not offering to help her out, not waiting in the wings for her to have a sudden change of heart.. maybe, just maybe she'll think "wait what have I done, I'm really losing him!".

Not saying its going to happen but I can say for sure you're only hurting your chances with your present strategy, and making it much more difficult to move on with your life without her which is an every increasing likelihood.



loverguy said:


> In my book unconditional love says you forgive no matter what.


Is your book about dogs? Because if not you're a lousy author.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talking to the woman every day hardly constitutes 'no contact'. By not initiating contact, you are reinforcing your 'run and hide' mentality when the going gets tough.

She's in an apartment and you're sitting in a rented room in someone else's house. Yeah, I can see why you're so desperate for a quick fix. She would have to be truly stupid to take you back. Do her a favor and cut her loose.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loverguy said:


> The error I e forgiven her for is cheating and lying. In 2014 she broke up and lived this huge lie about living with her sister. She was living with another man.
> 
> She did all this sexting with her ex husband. Even as recent as July. But I understand. She was not getting emotional affection from me


Well now I am rooting for you LG, you guys sound like you belong together. Better each other then someone else.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Sorry, a poor post deleted.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Never mind.


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