# i need some help



## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

i am a 21 year old wife and mother of a 2 almost 3 year old me and the husband have been together for 4 years now but im really insecure in the bedroom i dont know if it is how different i look after i had my son ( meaning i dont have my flat tummy its now a pudge of stretch marks) or if its the ways guys have treated me in the past but i can never seem to please my man enough to make him that happy i dont like giving bj and he thinks i should do it every night before we have sex but then he gets irritated later on because i wont do it for that long and never have, im also the type if i find something i like id rather just keep it that way i dnt really change positions or anything. it has gotten to the point that he is never home with me he would rather be with all of his friends and when he does come home he plays video games all day has sex with me that night and then 1-2 days later hes back with his friends for another 5 days i really need some advice his bday is coming up wanna try and prove im not that boring girl really plz hlp


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a few things going on here.

You do not feel good about your body now. You can do some thing about that... exercise and diet help a lot.

You do not feel secure about your ability in bed. If your husband would get his head out of his arse he could help you with that. Plus you could put some effort into being much more enthused about sex.

Was there ever a time when you were enthusiatic about giving bj's. If you lost interest at some point.. what was going on at that time?

He wants BJ's. How much effort does he put into pleasing you? Or is sex mostly about him?

The biggest problem I see is that the less time your husband spends with you, the less you will feel like having sex with him and the worse you will feel about yourself.

Your marriage is in huge trouble. 

Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?

Now for tricks you can do to really please him? 

Well you know that what he wants is a very enthusiastic bj...


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

thank you and yeah ive been dieting and trying to work out im not unhealthy he just hints at my clothes being to tight which i think is why im insecure about the body its just really hard i dont know if he has grasped the concept he is a husband and father hes never changed a poopy diaper or managed to watch his son for more than an hour by himself, he believes its his way or divorce which is how his dad was too. no ive never been enthusiatic about bj's and sex is always about him which i know is a problem hes the type to put the blame on anyone but himself or just flat out find a way to turn it around on you he refuses on going to counseling thinks we are as happy as can be


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he has not grasped the concepts of husband and father. I'm sorry that he's treating you this way. You deserve so much more.

I need more info to respond further.

Do you work outside the home?

Do you have any job skills or education beyond high school?


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

no i do not work i think it would be very embarrasing to go and apply at jobs with my son in hand i heard it looks really bad and since my husband is never home noone is around to watch my son for me all my friends live 45 min away and i have some job skills outside of home mostly fast food and customer service i went to college but dropped out but my career goal is to be a chef


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know that you came here asking how to have wild sex with your husband for his bday. Take a look online for some ideas. Even watch some porn. Order some sex toy, flavored oils, etc. There are even sex card games. You get a card and have to do to your partner what is on the card. It’s fun. Get some eatable paint, paint each other and then lick it off.

But your problems are so much bigger than this that I feel compelled to comment.


lilhuffenz said:


> no i do not work i think it would be very embarrasing to go and apply at jobs with my son in hand i heard it looks really bad and since my husband is never home no one is around to watch my son for me all my friends live 45 min away


Your husband does not respect you. He’s acting like a teenaged boy not a man, husband and father. We teach people how to treat us. You are teaching him that he can treat you the way he does because you are putting up with it.
I would highly suggest that you get some job skills, training, education.. something so that you can get your own money and your own power in the relationship.
If your income is low you can get financial aid to pay for the training. Many community colleges have good two year programs that lead to petty good paying jobs. Why not look into that?
As for you husband not taking care of you child. Tell him that you feel abandonded by him because he spends all of his time with his friends so you feel like you need to start doing things on your own. That you are getting a job or some training and he has to watch your son while you go do these things. It’s not fair for him to leave you alone with a child 24/7 every day of the year. Then set a time that you are going out to take care of these things and let him know that he has to be home to take care of your child. If he is not there tell him that all hell will break lose.
Remind him that while he things everything has to be his way or it’s divorce, that if you two end up divorced.. he will have your son 50% of the time AND pay you child support. So he can either work with you now or he can pay child support and give up 50% his time with his friends. It’s his choice.
And yes you have to be that tough with a guy like him. He needs to grow up. You and your son need him to grow up.



lilhuffenz said:


> i have some job skills outside of home mostly fast food and customer service i went to college but dropped out but my career goal is to be a chef


Great career goal!! There are many community colleges that have very good chef programs. Go find one and start on our career. 

I think that being a stay at home mom is wonderful. But you have career goals and a husband who does not respect you. You have to do something to get his respect. If you can support yourself and your son he’s going to realize that he had better get on the ball or he is going to lose his family.

If you were my daughter this is the advice I would give you… so you got it.  

(I'm a 62 year old mom of 3 adults who are 22, 23 and 25 and I have a grand daughter. Just to let you know a bit about me.)


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

thank you you have helped me alot your advice reminds me of his moms ( who i love very much) she dealt with all the same things with his dad and after 26 years of marriage finally left him she doesnt want me to fall in her path i think im starting to get that i dont care what you do anymore because i am on government assistance he hasnt been willing to help me get off of it but i definitly will go talk to my counselor they will help me find school and work and pay for me to start up and get on my feet your advice truely has helped me realize how much ive been hiding cuz i dont like confrontation and i need to stand up for me and my son cuz right now im all he has thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lilhuffenz said:


> thank you you have helped me alot your advice reminds me of his moms ( who i love very much) she dealt with all the same things with his dad and after 26 years of marriage finally left him she doesnt want me to fall in her path


Sounds like you have a good mentor in her. She’s been there and done that. 




lilhuffenz said:


> i think im starting to get that i dont care what you do anymore because i am on government assistance he hasnt been willing to help me get off of it


Wait a minute, this guy who is demanding bj’s from you is not even trying to support you and his child? Whoa, forget that bday ‘present’ you have been thinking about for him!!! 


Does he have a job? How does he support himself?



lilhuffenz said:


> but i definitly will go talk to my counselor they will help me find school and work and pay for me to start up and get on my feet


How much do you know about financial aid for school? If your counselor cannot help you with filling out the FAFSA I can give you pointers. One of the things I have done over the last few years is to help a lot of my children’s friends get all their financial aid paperwork done. It’s not all that hard once you know how to do it.

Some schools also have child care programs and/or child care co-ops to help mom’s go to school. 

I live in New Mexico. I noticed that there is a scholarship programs for young moms in my state. It’s funded by private businesses and private doners. Maybe your state has something like that to add to the federal and state programs.



lilhuffenz said:


> your advice truely has helped me realize how much ive been hiding cuz i dont like confrontation and i need to stand up for me and my son cuz right now im all he has thank you


Good for you. Keep me posted as I’d love to see you break out of this and make a good life for yourself. And hopefully your husband will see that light and join you once you get going. If not at least your son will have a strong mother who will make sure he has what he needs.


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

haha no he does not have a job he had one job right when i had my son got fired during his probation period because his mother and i made him take 3 days off to help me recover and help me after i gave birth he has not had a job since he believes selling pot is gunna make him rich he has made some money from it but i dont see any of it its spent while he is out with his friends movies ect... as for financial aid yes i know how to do it very well thank you i have had to do it for myself and for him and his mom and since im on welfare in my county they will actually pay for child care for us if we cant afford it and are in school or work unfortunately both the mother and father have to be working and or in school i even told my worker he is a ass and wont watch the baby the first time she enrolled me in classes and she just pulled me out said ok you dont have to do this :O i was super mad his mother and i both screamed at him lol all of our income is from government assisance and that strictly pays my rent and my electricity all his money from his "extracurricular" is gone which id much rather perfer since i dont believe it should be in around or near my place i dont smoke it i stopped when i had my son


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that your son should not be around illegal drugs. Right now it's illegal and you could lose your son if the cops come in when there is pot around. Take that very seriously.

Since both of you would have to be employed or in school to get the free child care, it sounds like you might do a lot better financially if you were not married to your husband. 

Right now your husband is living with you, right? So he does not even have to worry about supporting himself. If he does not have you to lean on financially he might just have to do something to get himself a place to stay. There are few people who would care enough about him to put a roof over his head and feed him. Right now it sounds like you are the only one who does care enough and he’s quickly burning that bridge.

It sounds to me like his pot income goes mostly to cover his partying. So he’s not even doing all that well with that.


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

right now in california its legal if you have a medical card which he has and has had forever after we had our son i took all the regulations and enforced everything in my house regarding kids key locks on doors where the card holder only has the key to having all smoking utilitys put in that locked space ext. for the fact if we were searched as long as we are in those guidlines me and my son cannot be bothered and it is not our problem that was one thing i was very strict about. as for him not having anywhere to go i hope he wouldnt lol and his mom is willing to take me in if he were to take the place we live in now


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you live in California. That does make a difference.

Good that his mom would take you and your child in before she would take her son in. 

Don't know if I should ask, but where are your parents? Can they help you any until you get out of school?


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## lilhuffenz (Mar 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Don't know if I should ask, but where are your parents? Can they help you any until you get out of school?


my parents dont speak to me because me and him are together they havent seen my son or any thing they do not think it is right how much his family has helped me so they do not like them


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