# Husband "cheated" on deployment...



## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

First let me explain that I do not know where else to turn right now. This situation is incredibly fresh. I don't have many close friends that I feel comfortable enough to turn to, and turning to family would almost be embarrassing right now. Why, I don't know, but that is how I currently feel.

My husband is currently deployed. We are going on what I thought was a stressful yet positive 6 months in, until today. I checked his personal e-mail account. Yes, I snooped. I would be more apologetic had I not found what I did. For almost 2 months now, he's been having an...online affair I guess? With at least 2 women. To the point of them masturbating together via webcam. This is why I put cheating in quotes. I feel very much cheated on, but I know not everyone agrees that it is. He told both women he was not married nor did he have kids. Both lies.

The kicker is, since he is deployed I can't just pick up the phone and call him. I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to him about it. I sent an e-mail. A short one, but it got my feelings about it across, trust me. I don't know if he's read it, but like I said, I haven't even discussed this with him yet. This isn't the first time I've caught him speaking inappropriately to women online, but this is the first time I've caught him going to the extent of sex via webcam. Last time I told him the next time would be the end of it, that I couldn't deal with him making me feel that way any longer. He apologized and swore to me it would never happen again.

I feel stupid. I'm embarrassed. I'm hurt. I'm pissed. Its not easy being away from each other for so long, especially with a little one. I've stuck by him every step of the way and have sacrificed a lot. A LOT. Willingly, but sacrifices none-the-less. I've been a damn good wife. I don't understand this. I don't know what to do. I told him last time I would leave if he did it again, and not only did he, but he took it steps further. But he's not here. What do I do? I just don't know, and I don't know where else to turn. He's the love of my life. But I hate being treated like this. 

I find myself making excuses for him, like maybe he has some sort of problem that he needs help for. Which pisses me off further, that I'm trying to excuse it. I don't want to give up but I don't deserve this either. Please help.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

First, let me say I am sorry for your situation and like other members say, "welcome to the club that nobody wants to join." I am sorry you had to come here but it's a good place to be because a lot of us are in your shoes and there is a lot of insight and support to be found here. 



EmmaIda83 said:


> I checked his personal e-mail account. Yes, I snooped. I would be more apologetic had I not found what I did.


You don't have to apologize for this. Something made you suspicious, he was being dishonest and your intuition was correct.



EmmaIda83 said:


> For almost 2 months now, he's been having an...online affair I guess? With at least 2 women. To the point of them masturbating together via webcam. This is why I put cheating in quotes. I feel very much cheated on, but I know not everyone agrees that it is.


Online or not, it's cheating. No need for the quotes, do not feel petty for being upset and feeling betrayed. It feels like betrayal because it is.



EmmaIda83 said:


> I feel stupid. I'm embarrassed. I'm hurt. I'm pissed.


Your feelings are normal but there is no reason to feel embarrassed or stupid. You didn't do anything wrong - he did.



EmmaIda83 said:


> I don't know what to do. I told him last time I would leave if he did it again, and not only did he, but he took it steps further. But he's not here. What do I do? I just don't know, and I don't know where else to turn. He's the love of my life. But I hate being treated like this.


Initially, part of me was going to try to rationalize your H's side of things. Not to excuse them (there is no justification for cheating) but I thought deployment could be a mitigating. However, since he's done this before and continued to do so after you caught him the first time, I have nothing to say in his favor. The man is a cheat and if he's getting this graphic online, there is a good chance he's doing things off line.... especially given that he's so far away from home.

I think you need to call your own bluff. He's done this before and you had consequences for it before should it happen again. He didn't take you seriously on those consequences and won't in the future if you don't stick to your word. 



EmmaIda83 said:


> I don't want to give up but I don't deserve this either. Please help.


Keep posting in this forum, also, check out some of these posts if you haven't already done so. They may help to answer some questions that might be running through your mind at the moment.

CWI Newbie Thread

Betrayed Spouse's Script

Understanding the Pain

Just Let Them Go

Rules for the 180


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi Emma. So sorry to see you here.

This is what I've learned in 3 months. Cheating is anything that you do, in which you would NOT do if your spouse was sitting next to you.

I cannot imagine what it's like to not be able to reach him to talk. But maybe it's good, in some ways. To work through this on your own for the time being. I know for me, I couldn't talk to anyone either; embarrassment or what not - so the only one I could talk to was my H. And it got ugly. I became someone that I'm not. I was irrational, emotional and sometimes downright violent. (ashamed to say so).
Take this time to do exactly what Miss Taken said. Post on here any time you need to. Read the stories. Go on the internet - to see that what you did (what you referred to as snooping) was NOT wrong - that you did NOTHING wrong, and that yes...You have been betrayed. 
He will likely say if he didn't "actually DO anything, it's not cheating".... 
He's wrong. 

You're not alone in this boat. 

So sorry for you. And on a side note; thank YOU - to the spouse of a military personnel, for the sacrifices YOU have made to your country. Goes unspoken way too much. 

Remember, people are here for you. Nameless, faceless, judgemental-free people. Take care.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

1. Get copies of those emails, pictures, etc NOW before he can delete them.

2. See a lawyer and like Miss said you need to stick to what you said.

3. Since he is in the military, contact his chain of command. Let them know what is going on and that you have the proof.

4. See a counselor. Infidelity is extremely stressful and you will need a place to go to talk and get medication if needed.


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## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

I truly appreciate everyone's response. I hate that anyone can relate to this, but its nice to know others know how I'm feeling.

I thought about going to his chain of command. I'm just worried if any punishment they could give him/his career would in some way effect our son. He gets kicked out = he loses benefits = our son loses benefits. I don't know if thats exactly how it works, but its certainly something I think about.

I have saved the conversations in case I need them. What I will now do with them...I don't know. At this point I want to tell him he's on his own for the remainder of this deployment. I don't feel he deserves my support right now. 

God this is such a crap situation. If he was here I feel like I would know exactly what to do. The distance/lack of communication makes things so much more difficult. 

I think i'm going to look into a counselor. It seems to be the right thing to do right now.

I'm so mad at him. SO mad at him. He denied being married. HE DENIED OUR SON. I think that makes me angrier than anything. He lied about being married, ok. That sucks. But to deny our child? How do you do that? I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I just have so much going through my head right now.

Again I truly appreciate any responses. I certainly have A LOT to think about.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry to hear, but this is the "2nd" time this has happened? What happed to "last time i told him the next time would be the end of it"? He says "no consequence here, ive done it before, lets do it again screw it, its just fake non personal/actual online sexual release, im going to blow here"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

This is not an EA, its a quasi-PA. Cheaters need consequences, send him an email telling him that when he comes back he nees to find another place to live until you decide to D or unless yore both willing to R. Word of advice, incase you want to R do not rugsweep, do not tolerate gaslighting, do not accept excuses, do not bother arguing. You know what he did, he knows what he did, you have enough evidence, now he needs a major TIME OUT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I second on the chain of command telling .The military does not give this a blind eye any more


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

EmmaIda83 said:


> I truly appreciate everyone's response. I hate that anyone can relate to this, but its nice to know others know how I'm feeling.
> 
> I thought about going to his chain of command. I'm just worried if any punishment they could give him/his career would in some way effect our son. He gets kicked out = he loses benefits = our son loses benefits. I don't know if thats exactly how it works, but its certainly something I think about.
> 
> ...


I am also a military wife, and my own personal opinion is to save all your evidence for the lawyer. If you go to his COC and IF they even decide to do anything, ultimately you can be screwing yourself. My H also cheated and I never went to his command, mainly because I prefer my two kids (one who is autistic) keep their benefits, and trying to take it to his work and ruin his career actually really affects myself and my children in more ways than one.

I do think at this point since it has happened before, if you do not carry through with the boundaries you set last time, its just a matter of time before it happens again.


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## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well I spoke to him. Through e-mail anyway. At first he played dumb, which angered me further. Then once he realized there was no way of getting out of it, he admitted to having a "problem." Part of me just wants to say he's just trying to excuse himself, but another part of me thinks it could be legit, ONLY because I've questioned him having some sort of addiction myself in the past. He also has PTSD. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I am questioning whether that in combination with this other self diagnosed problem has lead to where we are now. At this point he thinks I'm out the door. He had to go before we could get much further into the conversation, but says he will be calling me later.

Right now, I'm still angry. But if he genuinely has a problem, then I don't just want to turn my back on him. But I also don't want to be duped if this is just an excuse. He says hes going to get help. At this point, if he wants this to work counseling is 100% something that will have to be done.

I've decided going to his COC is out. Its just not something I want to do at this point in time. I do have everything saved in the event that I go to a lawyer. If he truly has a problem, then I want to help him work through it. 

I want my marriage to work. But, something needs to happen to let him know I'm not messing around with this. I keep thinking "trial separation" but seeing as he's not here anyway, I don't know how effective that would be. Divorce has never been on the table before. Right now it is. But I want to exhaust ALL options before we get to that point. Maybe tell him he needs to stay in the barracks when he gets back? I know he's getting plenty of time away from us right now, but maybe making him stay away when we're actually there would help. 

I know I probably sound naive. And maybe I am. I just want to make sure we've done everything we can before giving up on our marriage.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

I did not include notifying his chain of command lightly.
I am a former Marine so I realize the benefits are something to think about.

Consider these questions.
1) Is you H planning on staying in and making a career of the military?
2) If not, what benefits will you and the child have after he is discharged?

Those are two off the top of my head. If I think of more I will add them later.

Is your H enlisted or an officer?
My wife had an affair with an Officer and he was not discharged once it was brought to his chain of command.
HOWEVER, he did get a letter of reprimand in his file and will most likely never be promoted.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

Not making light of military personnel with problem, God knows I have my own, but the OM in my situation also claimed he had a sex addiction.


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## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

He's actually getting out in January. So I guess figuring out benefits is something I would have to do anyway.

He's enlisted. In cases that I've heard, Officers tend to get off easier than enlisted. There was a case of an enlisted woman having an affair with a married Officer a couple years back. He got a slap on the wrist. She was kicked out.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

EmmaIda83 said:


> Officers tend to get off easier than enlisted.


That's why I asked.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

MrDude said:


> I did not include notifying his chain of command lightly.
> I am a former Marine so I realize the benefits are something to think about.
> 
> Consider these questions.
> ...


Mr Dude thank you for your service and there is no such thing as a former Marine.

There a usually MC avaliable right on the base go check it out and start having conversations with them. Confronting him at this point may not have been smart. He can always just open a new email account you will not know about.

Since you have the email accounts of these OW, can you figure out who they are, where they live? Can you confront them?

Also how much longer is your husbands deployment? Do you guys have any kids?


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

Not being picky, but former is correct, basically means not active duty. There is no such thing as an ex-Marine however .


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## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

The women involved were from a chat room. I don't know their real names, where they live, or anything. According to what he told them, he's not married and has no children so they don't even know I exist. Although given the nature of the chat rooms, I'm not sure that would have mattered anyway, so I don't know if I should bother confronting them.

He has 2-3 months to go. And yes, we have a 2 year old.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

EmmaIda83 said:


> The women involved were from a chat room. I don't know their real names, where they live, or anything. According to what he told them, he's not married and has no children so they don't even know I exist. Although given the nature of the chat rooms, I'm not sure that would have mattered anyway, so I don't know if I should bother confronting them.
> 
> He has 2-3 months to go. And yes, we have a 2 year old.


I don't see this as a big deal, because its just him appeasing himself while you are not there to accomodate him. 

However (BUT) if he has an addiction and a problem and he is away for so long, I would be very stressed as a spouse, because god knows what else he can do there physically with other women. Being away from your wife in the military opens up alot of options, like him cheating physically wherever there traveling nevermind the computer chat rooms. 

He would probably deny it and honestly, again I don't think he would do this if he loves you very much. Masturbating to Porn or an Internet Chat Room looks at live girls, is not a big deal, unless you don't want him to do that. Do you mind him watching porn?

I prefer him masturbating to porn/chat rooms then going out and doing it for real with someone else. 

I hope he is only looking at porn/chat rooms to masturbate and not running off with woman. I am sorry you experienced this and I hope you understand people do masturbate and use pornography to do that. If he is having an emotional attachment to these chat room woman and its more then just cyber sex, then there is a bigger problem. If he is a good husband and makes love to you and doesn't withold sex from you and doesn't cheat on you, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

The biggest issue I think you have is him telling people he is not married and have children and is a huge red flag, for a guy seeking sex with other woman physically and in real life.


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## EmmaIda83 (Sep 6, 2012)

I don't mind him watching porn. I don't mind him masturbating. I've even watched it with him, even though its not really my cup of tea. What I do mind is that he is on webcam with these women while they are both masturbating, together and to each other. I'm sorry I just don't think that's right. Obviously I would prefer that to physically having sex with someone else, but can't it be ok to want neither?

I don't know. I've questioned him having some sort of addiction, or really REALLY strong interest in all things sexual in the past, so its not completely hard for me to believe. He's into some things that I myself am not, but I try to keep things interesting and have accommodated most of his requests even when I wasn't 100% comfortable in doing so. So for me, I feel inadequate despite my best efforts. 

Aside from this issue, current and previous, he's been a great husband and fantastic father. I know he loves us very much, which is why it would be very difficult for me to walk away without doing everything I could. I don't believe he has physically had sex with anyone else on this deployment, but I'd be lying if this situation didn't make me ponder that more than usual.

Dealing with this while he's across the world is incredibly frustrating...


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Emma,

I am sorry I might of misinterpreted or misread your post. I find it totally unacceptable if he is stripping for other woman. That is different then him just paying and masturbating to naked woman on the webcam. 

This is definetly salvageable and you can work on this. Talk to him and make him understand how uncomfortable you are with him showing his goods to other woman when he vowed his body to you in holy matrimony. 

I am sure he will understand, but try not to let him off easy, as it could be a bad habit on his part that needs to be broken. Counseling will help. I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck and I hope everything works out.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

You need to show him that there will be real consequences. You told him if he did it again it was over, and not only did he do it again, but it wasn't just inappropriate chats this time. If you keep letting if off he is going to keep doing this to you cause he knows you won't leave him. 

If it is a problem or just an excuse (a damn good excuse, cause he can keep doing it and blaming it on his "problem"); it shouldn't matter you already gave him a chance and he already failed.


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