# Having a strong urge to cheat



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

At this point, my husband & I have been together 14 years. Only married for 2. I have good reason to believe he isn't attracted to me any more & he's kinda mean sometimes. He often works 12 hours a day & gets home late & when he does, he talks on the phone with his friends for quite a while, or drinks & falls asleep. 
Anyway, I'm lonely and pissed off & I really want to cheat on him. 
I've heard some people say it made them feel better & others say it made them feel awful. Any of you experienced it?


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Ebbie - have just sent you a private message.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Even if it might momentarily "feel good," it won't be an authentic feeling, won't last, and that's a bell you can never unring. You would never again be able to call yourself a non-cheater. Do you want that Scarlet Letter on your chest forever?

How about counseling instead?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Terrible idea. If he's mean, ignores you, drinks until he falls asleep or passes out, why not file for divorce. Then go have a fling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cross-posting from another thread...



Ebbie123 said:


> Well, I've been with mine for 14 years & every time I snooped, I found out he was cheating. So if you have a gut feeling, look somewhere else. If you said he'd delete it anyway, he's obviously smarter than that. Think outside the box.


Divorce.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ebbie123 said:


> He tells me all the time how beautiful & sexy I am. & he loves "thick" women .... Then when he feels like he has a bug up his butt, he lashes out at me & tells me how fat I am.



This, from your other current thread, combined with what Gus just posted and what you stated in this thread's OP, points to a profoundly dysfunctional relationship. What you describe isn't healthy or normal. You both, clearly, have some serious issues. I, honestly, think divorce - followed by some individual counseling for yourself - is your best path.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If becoming a lowlife doesn't bother you, sure, go for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It won't fix the long-term problem of a broken relationship. Confront him and challenge him to help fix the relationship, or divorce.


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

FlowerChild said:


> Um... file for divorce instead of being an idiot. No offense. You have an urge to cheat but you don't have enough logical sense to NOT become a low life and stoop down YOUR integrity?
> Just divorce already. I don't see any sense in having urges to cheat, but not having urges to just divorce.
> 
> You'll feel awful long term. Because you'll be hurting yourself too. You'll get to walk around the rest of your life with the guilt that you cheated on someone. Your integrity, dignity and self respect literally disappears. You'll get to live with the pathetic choice that you made to cheat because your husband is " kinda mean " and talks to his friends, drinks and goes to sleep. Boo hoo. People have worse issues than that, and they don't cheat.
> ...


It gets waaaay worse than the things I listed. I just didn't feel like writing 10 paragraphs. & there are many reasons why not to divorce. One of which is our stepdaughter. Long story short, when we broke up in college, he got another woman pregnant, and produced our now 7 year old stepdaughter. (yes, yet another story)...
She's been tossed around between her grand mother & us because her mother doesn't give a crap about her & in the meantime not only had 2 other children, but told her she can't come live with her "right now". But her grandma gets the urge to keep her instead of returning her ever once in a while. She's so young & has already gone thru a lot of distress.
Like I said, that's only part of it...

He's done all types of crap that at some point I've made excuses for, including cheating. 
At the end of the day, divorce & being alone is scary. We separated for a year (only 6 months after being married) & I was sad then too. I just want a release. Maybe I'll choose something else...who knows really...
BTW, telling me I'd be an "idiot" doesn't help to drive your point home...


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> If becoming a lowlife doesn't bother you, sure, go for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In that case, I guess there will be two lowlifes in the house. He's done it plenty of times. Was that comment supposed to hurt my feelings? I've been called many other worse things in life, I'm sure.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> In that case, I guess there will be two lowlifes in the house. He's done it plenty of times. Was that comment supposed to hurt my feelings? I've been called many other worse things in life, I'm sure.


Maybe you guys should just have an open marriage/be roommates.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Ebbie123 said:


> In that case, I guess there will be two lowlifes in the house. He's done it plenty of times. Was that comment supposed to hurt my feelings? I've been called many other worse things in life, I'm sure.


I think it was more designed to jolt you back into approaching your problem with integrity, instead of the same sort of disfunction your husband has apparently displayed.

If you cheat, not only will you be compromising your integrity in a big way, but you'll just be adding another heaping layer of disfunction to your marriage.

Nobody's defending your Husband; he sounds like an ass. If that's the case, be thinking about divorce rather than thinking about cheating.


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> It was supposed to wake you up sugar. That is me being nice.
> 
> You have an awfully hotty attitude for someone contemplating acting like a wh0re.
> 
> ...


Yea, thanks for your input, but you lack the ability to communicate without being nasty. Guess what, my husband does the same thing, & it helps nothing. 
There are many people on here that have replied without taking shots, but you chose "shock therapy"....I can't value your opinion.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ebbie123,

From this thread and some of your other comments, it looks like you and H have a toxic relationship. He cheats, now you want to cheat too?

Do you want to continue in a miserable, unhealthy life for 14 more years, or do you want to have a better life?

Cheating on your husband will not contribute to making yourself a better person, nor will it improve your marriage.

If you want to have a better life, then the first step is to make yourself better, not worse.

You can do that inside your marriage, starting now: 1. Lose the weight you don't like (from your other thread) 2. Don't become a cheater, but deal with your part of your marriage problems, 3. Start counselling so you can decide if you can stay in your marriage the way it is, or if you will be better off divorcing.

If you cheat, you will forever be a cheater, and your marriage will forever have that scar. Is that what you want? Do you care?

You have to decide what kind of person you are, and you need to BE that person, and not compromise.

IMFAR


----------



## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> Yea, thanks for your input, but you lack the ability to communicate without being nasty. Guess what, my husband does the same thing, & it helps nothing.
> There are many people on here that have replied without taking shots, but you chose "shock therapy"....I can't value your opinion.


Look, I understand the urge to cheat and have cheated (online only.) It didn't make me feel better. It added some excitement and drama into my life but it made me very confused and increase my depression and anxiety. My urges came from my desire to escape my problems and try and enjoy my life. It didn't work. Cheating sometimes seems like a good answer but it never is.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ebbie123 said:


> In that case, I guess there will be two lowlifes in the house. He's done it plenty of times. Was that comment supposed to hurt my feelings? I've been called many other worse things in life, I'm sure.


Well there you go... Two wrongs always make it right....

Forgot about that one:scratchhead:


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

FlowerChild said:


> Why did you even post here then? You don't value anyone's opinion apparently because nobody is going to agree with you or give you " the go " to cheat.


What makes you think I don't value anyone's opinion???
Actually, I clicked "like" on the posts from the people that have spoken without taking stabs at me.

And sometimes, people just need to say (or type) what they are feeling. After reading the responses I have had a change of heart. I actually don't think I ever wanted to do it, and instead of acting on impulse, I asked a group of complete strangers their opinion. I was (& still am) angry & saddened that I've allowed myself to be in this relationship this long.

I can't look in the face of a therapist because I'm embarassed to tell these things to anyone that could judge me face to face. 
So instead, I posted here. I still got the therapist answers (along with some butt head responses) & I got the thought out.

Sorry, but when people call me a [potential] w.h.o.r.e or lowlife, I can't value that opinion. I've been beat down too much to bother to listen to insults anymore. I'm adult enough to realize when someone is trying to offer a genuine answer vs someone that finds the Internet an easy way to uppercut someone on the sly.

That being said, what you said in your last post is good advice


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> What makes you think I don't value anyone's opinion???
> Actually, I clicked "like" on the posts from the people that have spoken without taking stabs at me.
> 
> And sometimes, people just need to say (or type) what they are feeling. After reading the responses I have had a change of heart. I actually don't think I ever wanted to do it, and instead of acting on impulse, I asked a group of complete strangers their opinion. I was (& still am) angry & saddened that I've allowed myself to be in this relationship this long.
> ...


Therapists don't judge, and they've heard much, much worse.


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Therapists don't judge, and they've heard much, much worse.


Regardless of what they are trained to say, if they didn't make a judgement, it would be impossible to offer a solution....right?

They're human, just as you & I. & this feels safer to me than talking to a therapist. I've gone to therapy about other things, but this relationship it too much. I feel safer here right now.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> Regardless of what they are trained to say, *if they didn't make a judgement, it would be impossible to offer a solution....right?*
> 
> They're human, just as you & I. & this feels safer to me than talking to a therapist. I've gone to therapy about other things, but this relationship it too much. I feel safer here right now.


I suppose in a way that is true.

Do you want a solution?


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I suppose in a way that is true.
> 
> Do you want a solution?


What do you mean? Are you asking me if I want this to be solved?
Of course! I love some things about my husband although some things he does makes me furious. I'm a bit afraid there isn't really a resolution & in the medical field, when there's no way to fix it, they tell you to learn to live with it.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> What do you mean? Are you asking me if I want this to be solved?
> Of course! I love some things about my husband although some things he does makes me furious. I'm a bit afraid there isn't really a resolution & in the medical field, when there's no way to fix it, they tell you to learn to live with it.



Well, you said you don't want judgment so you don't want to go a a therapist since therapists "judge" in order to come up with a solution. So you're either willing to put yourself and your husband up for judgment in order to get advice about a solution, or you're willing to live with no solution.

From what I've read, it seems to me that if you went to therapy, especially IC, the judgment would mostly be on your jackass of a husband, not you. But, you also have to be willing to be teachable and listen to where you might be wrong (i.e. your hesitancy to lose weight), or therapy will never work.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your husband is abusive with the insults, he cheats on you, he puts you through the ringer mentally and emotionally.

It is understandable that you want validation, ways of making him go through the pain you went through, and to show him that you do have value.

I am guessing the way he treated you has change you severely. He had a hand in molding you into the dysfunctional person you are, and a part of you wants to pay him back in some way for his actions.

I would suggest detaching from him first. He impacts your life negatively. Perhaps start investing in you, detach to the point where he really does not matter, and your in a much stronger mental place.

Find ways of surrounding your life with positivity. A change in environment can help turn your life around. Maybe seek help through therapy to give you the tools to handle your particular situation.

Improving your life in the positive will change your life a lot.

If you do choose to decide to go down the route of cheating, it most likely just complicate matters, and his abusive insults will probably get worse. There is a high chance of your life being worse than it is now, and that is a possibility you need to consider as well. He may make you pay for hurting his ego.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ebbie123 said:


> Yea, thanks for your input, but you lack the ability to communicate without being nasty. Guess what, my husband does the same thing, & it helps nothing.
> There are many people on here that have replied without taking shots, but you chose "shock therapy"....I can't value your opinion.


Take a very good look at yourself. You just come on here and let us know you are contemplating doing something disgusting and nasty. I say don't become something disgusting and nasty and you are offended?

If you want to go become a worthless cheater then have at it.

I am nothing like your H and much more successful at marriage than either of you.

You might want to stop being offended when someone tells you what you are doing sucks when what you are doing sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Take a very good look at yourself. You just come on here and let us know you are contemplating doing something disgusting and nasty. I say don't become something disgusting and nasty and you are offended?
> 
> If you want to go become a worthless cheater then have at it.
> 
> ...


The funny thing about what you say is, SEVERAL people on here have told me that but in a way that's not a stab or jab. 
I seriously doubt your relationship is so fantastic because 
1)You spend A LOT of time on this forum. 2) Your communication skills suck! 3)You are like a playground bully. 
I have read other posts you make & you are clearly an angry person yourself. 
Therefore, I'll look over any other replies you post, should you choose to do so. 

I needed a moment to vent. I got my moment. I haven't cheated in all these years & I doubt I will. Last night we had a fuss. I really felt rage inside of me so instead of jumping up and going to to cheat, I posted here to hear what I already knew I would hear.....to be 'Talked off the ledge' if you will.

Anyways I'm not really offended by you. You are a typical Internet bully. We don't one another personally. & I will forget about you tomorrow. But the people that had something constructive to say (especially the ones that did NOT agree with my contemplation) reassured me that, as I have felt throughout the years, cheating probably won't help.

I've been the good girlfriend & wife all these years, and sometimes I just feel like F*** THIS. But we all get that feeling from time to time about something, right?


----------



## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Ebbie123 said:


> The funny thing about what you say is, SEVERAL people on here have told me that but in a way that's not a stab or jab.
> I seriously doubt your relationship is so fantastic because
> 1)You spend A LOT of time on this forum. 2) Your communication skills suck! 3)You are like a playground bully.
> I have read other posts you make & you are clearly an angry person yourself.
> ...


I'll give you some insight about this site. There are a lot of people here who've been cheated on and only a handful who are the ones' who cheated or admit to feelings of wanting to cheat. I think it's normal to think about cheating from time to time. I listen to a minister (Marriage Today) and he admits that it crosses his mind. So thinking about it is normal. Not acting on it is important. 

You need to decide for yourself how unhappy you are in your marriage and if it's that bad you need to get into marriage counseling. If your husband doesn't want to go then you need to take other steps.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sargon said:


> You might want to work on the fact that you trigger too easily.


Not triggering at all my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ebbie123 (May 12, 2015)

Thanks for you guys' input. I'll leave this site to you all. Hope you all find happiness in all that you do. Even the meanies.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ebbie123 said:


> Thanks for you guys' input. I'll leave this site to you all. Hope you all find happiness in all that you do. Even the meanies.


Honey. Calling cheating nasty disgusting names is not mean. Your H is a nasty, disgusting husband. It would be mean not to call cheating abusive behavior by any term that is nice.

You started this post asking about doing something grotesque. I called what you were thinking about doing accurately.

It was the truth because you should see your choices clearly and becoming a lowlife isn't generally desirable.

If I referred to cheating in anything but derogatory terms, it would mean I didn't care.

I don't want you to lower yourself to become a disgusting person so I told you the truth. What you were considering is ugly. You can see what it looks like in your H.

People who don't care won't lay it down with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Conan, do you think a different delivery might be more effective?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Conan, do you think a different delivery might be more effective?


In a different situation, sure. When someone is seriously considering devastating their lives and the lives of those they care about then no.

When someone is standing in the path of a speeding locomotive, I will not be gentle getting them off the tracks.

Once out of danger, I am a lot more cuddly.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ebbie123,

It is pretty normal for a betrayed spouse to contemplate cheating. Since your husband has cheated many times and is abusive, you are most likely very traumatized. I can see why your subconscious would bring thoughts to the forefront that might equalize the situation.

About half of all betrayed spouse end up cheating. It can be a very strong urge.

As unbelievable as it sounds, if you cheat, your husband will most likely divorce you. Somehow you will become the bad guy. The general point of view of a guy like him is that it's ok for him to cheat. But if his wife cheats he'll not stick around with you as you have with him. Maybe this thought of an affair is a thought of a way to get away from him. Skip the affair and just leave him.

Your right that it's a lot better for you to talk about it on TAM and get it would of your mind. Good for you for doing that.

I do think that divorce is your best bet. But I also understand your concern for your step daughter.

Are you bonded so strongly to her that you would adopt her if her bother would let go? That might be a way for you to help her because then you would have parental rights.

Until you are ready to leave, put your focus on yourself. Work to be the best you, you can be. Do this for yourself.


----------



## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

_I find myself in a similar situation. He, too, often spends our evenings together chatting with his friends on the phone all night while I am ignored. Wondering if cheating would make me feel better, too, but I just don't have it in me to initiate that sort of thing. Sadly though, if another man were to pay attention to me I would eat it up in a heartbeat; thus, eventually leading to an affair, in all reality. As it stands, I'm the one spending the night drinking in order to cope with the loneliness and rejection_


----------

