# Need to vent... very bitter.



## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

I was married for five years, and a month ago caught my wife having an affair. This was actually the second time I caught her, the first time was a year ago, and she denied it and talked her way out of it.

A few months ago, we started remodeling the house, and after a while, I felt it was clear she was having an EA with the contractor working on the house. I told her what I had noticed, and asked her to put a stop to it. She didn't, and denied there was anything. Soon after, I came home unexpectedly, and found them in bed together.

As a result of that incident, I did a more through investigation, obtaining a bunch of her old email, which revealed the occurrence in January was also an affair, lasting a couple months at least. I shared the incriminating emails with her but she continues to deny it with implausible explanations, which infuriates me.

When I found them in bed, I moved out and filed for a divorce in the next couple days.

We continued to talk via text messages for a while, but I couldn't control my anger/resentment and now she's not speaking to me. While she was talking, she showed zero remorse, and while she wouldn't admit it to me, I'm pretty sure the OM even moved in to our house for a while.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm very bitter, and experiencing alternating waves of self-pity and anger. I feel like the last several years have all been a lie, and there's a very real chance our whole marriage was a farce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go with you gut, you already filed.

Any kids? If not move on. Sh*t its only been 5years. 3 good one anyway.

And yes 3years were a lie, hell you two didn't even make it to the seven year ich. Move on!

And count your blessing she's not talking to you. Ask her no questions and she'll tell you no lies.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

No, no kids. She had a couple from a previous marriage, but they are grown up.

Idiot alert: This was her *fifth* marriage, and my first. I feel like a complete heel.

I'd like to move on, but instead I'm obsessing over all the details, counting the red-flags I should have caught earlier.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

frootloop said:


> No, no kids. She had a couple from a previous marriage, but they are grown up.
> 
> Idiot alert: This was her *fifth* marriage, and my first. I feel like a complete heel.
> 
> I'd like to move on, but instead I'm obsessing over all the details, counting the red-flags I should have caught earlier.


That game can go on forever if you let it. Cancel the credit cards, stop any joint bank accounts and hire a good divorce attorney.

Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she really had any remorse she would have taken her licks and sucked it up, instead she gives you the silent treatment.

When I confronted my W, she took my anger and my resentment and understood she had it coming. 

Currious, whats the age difference between the two of you?


Move as far away from that 5 time looser and chuch this up to lesson learned and you are know a much wiser man.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> Currious, whats the age difference between the two of you?


I'm six months older. We dated in high school, and I always had a soft spot for her.

She looks at least five or ten years younger though, as I've smoked for years, and she's Asian, and doesn't appear to be aging very quickly.



the guy said:


> Move as far away from that 5 time looser and chuch this up to lesson learned and you are know a much wiser man.


Thanks, hopefully time will help me get back on track. I don't see how I have much other choice, since she's not even sorry.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you protecting your self with regards to financise?


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> Are you protecting your self with regards to financise?


Finances, yes, or at least, I'm trying. I canceled all credit cards and got a decent lawyer. That was part of why I filed so quickly, as I was afraid a bunch of money had already slipped away into the contractor's pocket (the OM). She was managing the paying out of the various contractor's for the house remodel, and I was basically just writing her large checks to distribute. Hindsight is 20/20. 

I expect this is all going to get very expensive fast. I just got the initial "Expense Declaration" from her lawyer today (via my lawyer), and her monthly expenses are supposedly 4x my monthly salary. I can't imagine that going anywhere in court, but I'm afraid its going to be lots of court for us, and little civil negotiations.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> sorry you are going through this...you will get through it, you will come out ion the other side. 20/20 is a powerful thing, you will see how she never was who she sad she was, she is the one who lied to your face.


This part I think already have a good handle on.  

I think I'm going to have more trouble letting this go and allowing myself to really trust anyone again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You will be better off and in the long run a wiser man. Some day you will find someone to trust, you just won't write such large checks.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

She's stuck in the "affair fog" and will realize that she f-ed up when the contractor takes the rest of her money and yours stops coming. I agree with the prior posts. 5 years and several years unfaithful and no kids. This is not a one time thing or a bad time in her life (not that those would be ok). This is her character. 5 bad marriages. She's a ***** and a cheater! Get rid of her quickly! PS: Was the contractor wearing a dust mask on both his face and his "hammer"? Get tested for STDs quickly!


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Sue her for theft, she did this to 5 guys, pulse many more I think. She is a money sucking s**t. She loves the hunt, I guess. It makes me sick, just to think about it. Did you know about the other guys before you got married ? Did she cheat in the past with the other guys. Did she have a bad childhood? I just try to find a reason for it. What was her life like ?


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

@WorkingItOut: I have an appointment tomorrow to check for STDs. 



wolf359 said:


> Sue her for theft, she did this to 5 guys, pulse many more I think. She is a money sucking s**t. She loves the hunt, I guess. It makes me sick, just to think about it. Did you know about the other guys before you got married ? Did she cheat in the past with the other guys. Did she have a bad childhood? I just try to find a reason for it. What was her life like ?


It makes me pretty sick as well, particularly since I knew her history, and that she cheated on them at least on occasion. I thought she had grown up and changed after a few years of therapy (she claims, I didn't witness it).

She grew up in a South Korean orphanage until she was four, at which time she was adopted to the United States. I suspect she was often hungry, and possibly molested as well, though she has never mentioned that to me.

She is an excellent fit for the checklist associated with psychopathy:
Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



> Superficial charm and good intelligence
> Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking
> Absence of nervousness or psychoneurotic manifestations
> Unreliability
> ...


The psychopathy article goes on to explain that the condition is basically untreatable, and therapy only improves their ability to lie effectively.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

foot,
Thats some heavy sh*t, don't be so hard on your self. It sound like she a pro at deceit and lies. I wish we could warn others.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Oh, one quirky thing I was going to mention. She loves animals. She also like horror movies, particularly one featuring torture (Saw is her favorite), however, if a movie depicts an animal being killed or tortured, she'll hide her face or walked out.

I asked her about it once, why the animals bothered her so much, and she said something like,
"Because they are innocent."

I replied that some of the people being tortured in her favorite movie were innocent as well, to which she replied,
"No one is innocent." (ie, no person)

Anyway, at the time I just thought it strange, but it might be one of the few times I've gotten some true insight into her real thought process.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> foot,
> Thats some heavy sh*t, don't be so hard on your self. It sound like she a pro at deceit and lies. I wish we could warn others.


In the book "Snow Crash", they would tatoo criminals on their forehead to warn others, I think one guy in the book had: "Poor Impulse Control" tatooed on his forehead.

I was thinking that would be a nice idea for her. Maybe, "Cheating Psychopath" would turn some guys away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Froot, it's good to see a smile, you hang in there.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

frootloop said:


> I expect this is all going to get very expensive fast. I just got the initial "Expense Declaration" from her lawyer today (via my lawyer), and her monthly expenses are supposedly 4x my monthly salary. I can't imagine that going anywhere in court, but I'm afraid its going to be lots of court for us, and little civil negotiations.


B!tch. That's all I have to say.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You might ant to consider whether the contractor has been her partner in crime for longer than your marriage.

and if so, that pursuing criminal fraud charges against her and her conspirator is not out of line.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Read the contract from the builder, show it to your law guy, it may give you a loop hole to go after?


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

michzz said:


> You might ant to consider whether the contractor has been her partner in crime for longer than your marriage.
> 
> and if so, that pursuing criminal fraud charges against her and her conspirator is not out of line.


No, I don't think she knew him, the contractor was introduced to us by a mutual friend. She didn't even live in this state before we were married, she moved to CA for me and we got married soon after.

I'm interested in fraud, if it was occurring, but I think I'll need to locate some evidence of that in her bank accounts before I could even start considering that. I haven't seen her bank records yet, but assume I will soon once the paperwork reaches that point. At this point, I'm thinking this may have potentially taken the form of "kick-backs" for excessive charges, which hopefully she re-deposited in one of her accounts.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> Read the contract from the builder, show it to your law guy, it may give you a loop hole to go after?


I'm actually not very upset with him, now that I know she was cheating on me (lots) before this, I kinda feel like he saved me by being right in front of me. 

If fraud was occurring, I'd like the money back, but I don't want to be vengeful to him, he's mostly just another dumb sap like me - he *just* got finalized from his own divorce, and was living with his sister.

I made up a parable about it:
I'm out on a boat, I fall overboard and I'm drowning. A man jumps in after me and hauls me to shore. While I'm still dazed, he grabs my Rolex watch and runs off. How upset can I be?

Soon after, I find out the watch was cursed, and is likely the reason I fell overboard in the first place. The man has now saved me again, as my fate is now his.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Her lawyer will have a sh*t when the bank statment come out. It will show that he declaration for 4x your salary is BS and that she lied to him and he most likely will drop her. It sound likes she has been stashing $ away and is making it look differant then it really is. Hopefuly when the bank statement are exposed and the smoke and mirrors will be lifted, and you will get due justis.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> Her lawyer will have a sh*t when the bank statment come out. It will show that he declaration for 4x your salary is BS and that she lied to him and he most likely will drop her. It sound likes she has been stashing $ away and is making it look differant then it really is. Hopefuly when the bank statement are exposed and the smoke and mirrors will be lifted, and you will get due justis.


I read the paperwork wrong, she's actually only asking for 250% of my salary, the 400% was what she claims to have spent last month (which includes remodeling work).

Yeah, on the one hand I'm hopefully that she was stashing things away, as that will certainly look bad in court. On the other hand, I'd really like that not to be true, and think of her just as disturbed person, and not a con-woman looking to clean me out.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Look for safe deposit boxes, other bank accounts.

You need a forensic accountant to examine your financial records and hers.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

michzz is right. I would not worry to much about having to pay through the nose. She has been married 5 times and she is a serial cheater in your marriage. It may be that Cali is a no fault state. But it does speak to motive. Stay strong and don't stop looking for true love.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

frootloop said:


> I'm actually not very upset with him, now that I know she was cheating on me (lots) before this, I kinda feel like he saved me by being right in front of me.
> 
> If fraud was occurring, I'd like the money back, but I don't want to be vengeful to him, he's mostly just another dumb sap like me - he *just* got finalized from his own divorce, and was living with his sister.
> 
> ...



I love that, good thinking. Maybe a little voodoo, will help this along to.

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> michzz is right. I would not worry to much about having to pay through the nose. She has been married 5 times and she is a serial cheater in your marriage. It may be that Cali is a no fault state. But it does speak to motive. Stay strong and don't stop looking for true love.


Well, I hope you're right about that - my lawyer didn't seem particularly interested in evidence of cheating I had.

@michzz: Yes, I intend to basically have a full audit of everything done, I've been collecting all the records I can going all the way back to before we were married. I mentioned to the lawyer that we need to have credit checks run on us both, to ensure we are finding all bank accounts / credit cards we both have.

Today, I double-checked with Verizon that she had moved her cell phone into her own name, as she claimed she had done weeks ago. She had not, of course, because it seems the only thing I can be sure of is nothing she says to me is true.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Just wanted to give a quick update. Had a temporary support hearing today, for now, she is just going to receive "guideline" support, and we'll have a more elaborate full trial in a few months to decide the real temporary support.

My statement of 250% turned out to also be inaccurate - this is all before-tax money, as the tax is her responsibility, so before she was asking for maybe 150%, instead she gets 40%, but I'll still pay all the bills, and hopefully be reimbursed later for those.

Her request for legal fees was given a little more than a fourth of her request, bringing it to a much saner number as well.

In general, I've learned far more about CA divorce law than I ever wanted to know - until now. 

For me, I've been hitting the gym harder than usual, and started taking Lexapro (SSRI) for stress, and I feel much better. I'd recommend the Lexapro to others, I don't think I'm going to stop taking it when this is over, its very mild, and takes the edge off.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its good to hear that you hanging in there. When do figure to have it all finalized?


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

the guy said:


> Its good to hear that you hanging in there. When do figure to have it all finalized?


Thanks, its too early to say. The earliest possible date is May 10th (CA has a six-month minimum). My lawyer thought that was far too optimistic unless she suddenly switches to complete cooperation.

He suspects at least a year, it sounds like - he has been doing his own form of "trickle truth" with the bad news, and I'm mostly okay with that.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Just to let anyone who remembers this thread know, we settled last week, only signing the judgement and a few other little details remain.

California law doesn't give the judge a lot of leeway, so once the CPAs had completed the audit of five years of finances it seemed like it was all but decided.

In short, she took a settlement of cash, and I got the house and all the other assets, except for the car she was driving. We agreed to split up household property soon via binding arbitration to avoid additional legal fees.

Not quite the happy ending I was hoping for, but I'm hoping she spends thru it fast.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

At least you discovered who this woman really is and she wasn't able to string you along for years and years. Imagine where you would be if children were involved. 

Now that you know what red flags to look for, you won't be so easily fooled in your next relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When she get ready to remarry, and she will shortly, you should warn the next poor victim what he's in for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear it's all over now and you are moving on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop being mr nice guy and sue the contractor civilly for fraud, and possibly abscounding with funds.

Make him prove receipt by receipt what he ordered, used, spent---etc.---make him acct for every minute of his time----freeze his bank acct, or his corporate acct depending on what he has------its your money---get it back----later on down the line you will need every penny especially here in calif---for this is one very messed up state


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