# I just want to be seen for once..



## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is. 
So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it. 

I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


If you stop cooking and cleaning FOR HIM he will notice.


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## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If you stop cooking and cleaning FOR HIM he will notice.


I did, I just do for the kids and I have for months and he still doesnt care. He started washing his own work clothes, and he will fix himself ramen noodles or just not eat.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> If you stop cooking and cleaning FOR HIM he will notice.


My thought exactly. Just run things like he's not there. Make food for you and the kids but not him. Clean up your dishes not his. Do the laundry but not his. Don't ask or listen about his day, sit down and watch TV you want to watch. When he throws a tantrum which I'm guessing he will tell him you're treating him how he treats you. Then discuss it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Have you tried talking TO HIM about it - not in an angry, bitter way (which I wouldn't blame you for, but it's never helpful), but in a genuine open and honest way...? Because in my experience, "the cold shoulder" is NOT an effective communication tool when your needs aren't being met or when you feel bad. My STBX used to treat me that way, and all it did was confuse me and make me so nervous that I wanted to stay away from him -- I really wanted to make him happy, but if he wasn't clear about what he needed, I had NO idea how to do that!

How old are you both, and how long have you been married? And how many kids do you have and what are their ages?


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## cnw1005 (Mar 29, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you tried talking TO HIM about it - not in an angry, bitter way (which I wouldn't blame you for, but it's never helpful), but in a genuine open and honest way...? Because in my experience, "the cold shoulder" is NOT an effective communication tool when your needs aren't being met or when you feel bad. My STBX used to treat me that way, and all it did was confuse me and make me so nervous that I wanted to stay away from him -- I really wanted to make him happy, but if he wasn't clear about what he needed, I had NO idea how to do that!
> 
> How old are you both, and how long have you been married? And how many kids do you have and what are their ages?


yes, I’ve told him we need to talk, I’ve told him my feelings without being angry or upset and he has flat out told me I’ll get over it. I’ve even discussed it with him in counseling. I’m not quite 30 and he’s 32, been together 8 years, 4 kids, oldest is 10 (mine from a previous) and youngest is 3.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

cnw1005 said:


> I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.


First, I would suggest that being stand-offish and giving your husband the cold shoulder in hopes that he'll notice is an _exceptionally_ unhealthy communication technique. It's also one that's highly likely to be _ineffective_. Your husband is not you, he cannot read your mind no matter how much you think he should know what's bothering you. If you want the man to know something, sit him down and _tell_ him that thing - calmly and clearly.

Second, the above from your OP along with your subsequent comments, would seem to indicate that your husband doesn't respect you. As in, he figures you'll eventually just get over whatever you've cooked up in your tiny woman brain that makes you think you're mad at him for some mysterious reason. This is not a guy who takes you seriously or thinks you're going anywhere. Instead, he assumes you'll eventually just go back to being fine without him having to do anything at all. Is he right? Do you have a habit of being angry, stand-offish and giving him the cold shoulder but eventually get over it so things go back to normal without him having do do anything? If so, then he has reason to believe you really will eventually get over it. 

If talking and MC have been ineffective, then you may just need to decide if you're willing to live this way for the rest of your life. If you're truly not going anywhere, then he has no real motivation to change. If there's a real danger that you're actually going to leave him, tell him that calmly. If the way he treats you makes you feel like you don't ever want to have sex with him again, tell him that calmly. Be specific about what things are making you feel that way - being ignored, taken for granted, treated like a wife-appliance. Be specific about that you'd like to see instead - whether that's more sex, a kiss and a hug and 30 minutes of conversation when he comes home every day, date nights once a week, participating in a hobby together, etc.. Ask him if he's willing to work on a way for you two to build a relationship that works for _both _of you.

If he's interested in staying married, I'd recommend you two work through the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters", both by Willard Harley. If he's not interested in doing the work, then you're back to you needing to decide if you want to live this way for the rest of your life. If he is unwilling to change things, then you'll either need to leave or figure out a way to find peace with your marriage as-is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


Geez, get out of it. You're just his housekeeper. If you want to do that, you can get paid for it. He sounds like a user lout.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


Answer, file for D. Your H will soon wake the hell up. Then tell your H to get over it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

cnw1005 said:


> he has flat out told me I’ll get over it.


Then sit him down one more time. Tell him you're not getting over it, resentment is building, you're detaching, and if he doesn't make a change...soon...like, now...you're filing for a divorce. And mean it. If you bluff he'll never take you seriously. He doesn't put in some effort like he actually cares and you follow through.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Would you be willing to initiate a legal separation?

If it were me, I'd not bring it up again. You've already tried, and you were dismissed. 

I'd start _doing_.

I'd start making lists and gathering paperwork - and I'd visit a lawyer to discuss your legal position/options.

_Then_, when you know exactly what's what, that's when I'd sit him down and tell him your plan. Not as a threat, but what you're 100% ready to act on. 

You have to mean whatever you say, and you have to be willing to follow through.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

He doesn't care. time for you to get out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


Sometimes you have to accept that you can control other people, you can only control yourself. If history is any guide you will probably never get what you are looking for from this man, but what you are looking for from your husband is not too much to ask. You have to decide what you do at that point.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He sounds depressed, and just wants to be alone. Read the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I would try to compliment and get a sense of what's bothering him and figure out ways to help solve it. 

As to divorce and the posts above, if this is the way he's been and its not all right, why wait till four kids to figure that out. So I think you to present some effort to address this, but if you do and he continues to resist any efforts at change, then something does have to change which may be his status. Any friends or family members of his you can talk to, and find out what's going on. .


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Honestly, my thoughts here is this is not going to get better. You have tried to talk to him and it falls on deaf ears. You tried pulling back and allowing him room to come to you and that didn't happen. He could not even remember your birthday? Wow, how painful!!!!!! He forgot? Really? How do you forget your wife's birthday? The man is in his own world. He has no room for you. He is happy to focus on himself, the household chores mean nothing to him. This is not a reflection of you. What you are seeing is who this man is and he simply is not available to you and he is not going to change. So you can live as roommates and be very unhappy or you can decide to move on with your own life and find what does make you happy. This man is not going to be able to meet your needs, he simply cannot see it.


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## 350211 (Jun 25, 2021)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


A lot of men believe their acts of service (working hard, doing physically taxing work around the home, "putting up with wife's moods") equal love. In addition, so many men cannot process both why a woman cares about details of affection and all the emotions she's showing. (It's as if angry or disappointed or hurt emotions overwhelm his brain.)
When he's calm, well-fed, and unstressed, tell him you'd like to talk with him about having a stronger marriage & suggest he get his calendar out and mark the special dates. Then tell him to mark 2 weeks before those dates to "Buy very nice card for wife's birthday" and "Buy special present for anniversary"...yes, be that explicit. If he doesn't buy you anything, well, go buy yourself something lovely and enjoy it.


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

cnw1005 said:


> He forgot my birthday again. Everyday its like I'm just here, in the background, like an ornament. As long as the laundry is done, the food is cooked and the house is cleaned, nothing else matters. Even if that stuff isn't done he doesn't see me. He dang sure wont do it, the laundry could be flowing over, the dishes could be piled up and the kids could be starving and he wont put in the effort. I've given the cold shoulder for months because trying to talk about it wasn't working and still he doesn't seem to care. He still comes in from work like everything is fine, gives me a kiss, tells me about his day, eats, sits and watches his show, showers and goes to bed. We haven't had sex in months. He doesn't even try anymore. I would know if he was cheating though right? I just don't think that's what it is.
> So yesterday was my birthday, never got a happy birthday call, text, or anything, I didn't hear from him at all actually, he got home and was asking about bills and why I didn't do something in the house, I said why haven't you at least said happy birthday to me? He came in trying to apologize and saying he genuinely forgot, and I asked if he has even noticed that I've been stand off-ish and been giving the cold shoulder and he said yeah? I figured you would just get over it.
> 
> I'm just so tired of fighting for a one sided relationship. I feel so stuck and lost and like im spinning my wheels and never getting any where.


I got a little freaked out because I thought I wrote this minus the kids. Ugh it is exhausting to even try when they act so horrible! You should get all dressed up forget about the house and start having fun out there and he will start to notice you...and if he doesn't at least you will be having fun away from that guy! Life is too short to keep wasting on these jerks! One of the things I have learned is that women especially moms can be freaking AMAZING!!! You can do amazing things without him. I know plenty of women who have done it even while having that ball and chain. Of course to be free would make things easier. As a person who grew up in a horrible home PLEASE NEVER STAY FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS!!! It is so much worse! I wish my mom had left my dad decades ago and we wouldn't have suffered so much and she would have avoided so many trips to the emergency room. 

*HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY *

🍰🎂💐


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