# Help! Unsure about my relationship!



## unsureGuy (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi,

My first time posting so many thanks to all who reply for taking the time.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have a son from her previous relationship who I have brought up as my own since he was 3 and a daughter who is 6.

The heavy bit... she was abused by her father when she was young 8-12. Because of this she has trust issues and insecurities.

I feel like I'm no longer appreciated or respected. She is fed up with her job and lifestyle and wants to be free. She describes herself as a 'caged bird'.

I am self-employed and very happy with life - and I think that irritates her. She doesn't trust me (I have never had an affair!), she doesn't like me going out (haven't for years now and lost touch with a lot of friends). She seems to get jealous when I talk to other women. This is making me less happy and I am starting to wonder whether I am curtailing my life to ensure she feels happy and secure. I feel I am missing out, time is ticking away and there may be someone I can love out there who will love me back equally, or in a way that I feel I am missing.

I feel I could leave her, the prospect seems daunting and exciting. However it would kill me to not see my daughter and I would be worried that she couldn't cope and the effect it would have on the kids.

If anyone has any words of wisdom please let me hear them!

Confused!


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

If you are very happy with your life, why do you want to leave?

How about a serious sit down talk telling her how you feel? Tell her you are being smothered and are actually having thoughts of leaving? Tell her, "We need to act now to save this marriage".


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## unsureGuy (Sep 28, 2009)

Thanks for your reply.

It's very hard to talk to her. When we have differing opinions she will shout, fly off the handle and it's impossible to talk as I can't get a full sentence out! Kind of her way or the highway. Childish I know.

I am a happy optimistic person while I find her mistrusting and cynical. She will often see a down side of something even when it is hard to. I guess this situation is making me unhappy and making me feel the grass may be greener elsewhere (even alone). I feel I'm not being true to myself but trying to please her.

She has told me she wants me to leave several times since last Christmas but that would mean selling the house etc and saying seems to be easy for her whilst doing is a different matter. However, this attitude is eroding our relationship.

I've received a lot of verbal/emotional abuse over the years but I have always stood by her however I don't feel as strong as I once did.

I just don't know whether I should persevere with the relationship or walk away. I'm increasingly feeling that she isn't the one for me, after 10 years together.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

It will ultimately be up to you to make this decision, and it all hinges on if you are willing to try. Tell her how you feel. Communication is extremely important. Explain your feelings and decide what is most important to you concerning your future. If you truly want out, maybe you should come to some conclusion about what is best for all of you, take a look at the pros and cons, and figure out what weighs out, in the end.


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## unsureGuy (Sep 28, 2009)

Thanks for your comments.

I appreciate it is my decision. There are so many factors to weigh up, so many trivial things that should be ignored but eat away at my feelings.

I try my best but I'm feeling there is little reward or happiness on her part. It's so hard to be subjective about an issue when you are immersed in it.

Is it right to put yourself before your kids happiness?
Can a relationship be true when one party isn't trusting?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Has she ever sought help to deal with the abuse?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

holy ****...this sounds like me... i guess i should have kept it short and sweet.. any ways.. i wish you the best of luck and i hope you can save your relationship...


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

"Should I leave or should I go", lyrics to haunt by.

This question I believe you can find the answer inside yourself.

Some of us are going to say, "Go", "Work it out", "Leave", "Good Luck"

We don't matter, 
we don't know you, 
we don't know your partner.

Happiness isn't everything, 
No one is happy all the time,

Weigh it for yourself,
Think heavily about the consequences,

When my wife left, I was climbing down the pit of despair

Now, I agree with her, it was the best for both of us.
We had years of hurt lined up inside us,
But she now has severe consequences for her actions,
She traded one(1) problem with me for four(4) problems with her children that will become life long problems.
She never thought it thru, 
She could not see past what her heart said to do,

Think carefully before you leap.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I can tell you that in my marriage I was just like your W. I was very insecure and jealous. The more I showed it the more angry he got and the cycle repeated. The one thing I feared the most was losing him and that is exactly what happened! Trust me when I say that she can change. I have but it took my husband leaving and I never got the chance to change and fight for my marriage. Give her a chance and try therapy. I can not stress enough how important it is to find a pro-marriage therapist. Think of the children, they are the ones that will hurt the most. My H put his happiness before theirs and now they are paying for it for the rest of their lives. It sucks.


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## unsureGuy (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you all for your replies.

It is nice to hear clarity. User 'hoping' can you elaborate?

Busy today but I'll certainly report back, once again, many thanks. I appreciate no-one knows anybody else's full situation and what is chalk for one is cheese for another.

I'm sorry about your regrets 'Believe' and the children would be my main concern should I leave.

I will reply again soon.

Many thanks.


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Having kids makes it much harder to go or stay. I was staying for the kids most of the time, and then a few months ago I left BECAUSE of the kids. I didn't want them to grow up seeing so much bitterness and verbal abuse, or to see their father treated like dirt.  It sucks being a part time father.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

I dont have an answer, but I know how you feel. My husband gets so mad it I want to discuss something that has upset me. He tells me that I am brow beating him and starting fights. How do you talk to someone that wont listen?


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

sounds like for whatever reason she is keeping you down and as foolz said communication is very important if you are going to move forward with your relationship. If you are unavle to communicate with her you will probably want to seek therapy sessions with her to get to the root of it all. You only go around once so enjoy your life...

" I want to live before I die" TESLA....Best of luck!


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

unsureGuy, I just wanted to check in on you. I hope that you are getting things worked out, for your and everyone in your family's sake.


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## unsureGuy (Sep 28, 2009)

Thanks for your concern!

The differences are still ongoing 
Getting the cold shoulder treatment, fed up!


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