# Hello



## yaki (5 mo ago)

I been going through a divorce for the past year and a half, I am not the type to argue or scream. I believe to be a fair person maybe that is why I stayed married for 22 years to a man that believe to be smarted and better than me in many ways. He used to belittle me in front of his family because otherwise they would think that he was not the man off the house. he would expect for his kids to be well taken care of and educated because he being a teacher that is what supposed to be like. I have been everything for my kiddos, tutor, nanny, uber, cook, cleaning lady, etc. I been a good mom, I think, but now that I want to be on my own and have my own life it's not supposed to happen because my oldest son believes that I deserved and need to stay with his dad until the youngest finishes high school because he believes I sigh up for that the day I decided to have kiddos. To be honest I though that as well until recently, I met a person that treats me right and does not treat me like a maid, more like a person that has her own feelings and thoughts. I am back in school getting my educational career on track since I put it on hold after I got married. hopefully will be graduating in two years. Now the person that used to be my husband thinks that he can punish me by not allowing me to get ice or water from the fridge dispenser. Or locking me out every now and then since he has been doing that for many many years. How long is the punishing phase?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

First of all well done ON going back to get the graduating under way , 
Pity you stayed so lang as the day you know it was the right thing to do was the day to put the wheels turning , 
how long he will stay playing his childish games depends on how big a baby he is ,


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

yaki said:


> I been going through a divorce for the past year and a half, I am not the type to argue or scream. I believe to be a fair person maybe that is why I stayed married for 22 years to a man that believe to be smarted and better than me in many ways. He used to belittle me in front of his family because otherwise they would think that he was not the man off the house. he would expect for his kids to be well taken care of and educated because he being a teacher that is what supposed to be like. I have been everything for my kiddos, tutor, nanny, uber, cook, cleaning lady, etc. I been a good mom, I think, but now that I want to be on my own and have my own life it's not supposed to happen because my oldest son believes that I deserved and need to stay with his dad until the youngest finishes high school because he believes I sigh up for that the day I decided to have kiddos. To be honest I though that as well until recently, I met a person that treats me right and does not treat me like a maid, more like a person that has her own feelings and thoughts. I am back in school getting my educational career on track since I put it on hold after I got married. hopefully will be graduating in two years. Now the person that used to be my husband thinks that he can punish me by not allowing me to get ice or water from the fridge dispenser. Or locking me out every now and then since he has been doing that for many many years. How long is the punishing phase?


Welcome to TAM!
Congrats on (almost) setting yourself free.

Is a lawyer handling your divorce? 18 months seems like a long time, but every divorce is different.

Are you still living with STBX?
It seems like you need some "rules of engagement" to keep STBXH at a distance. He should not be able to "punish" you in the way you describe.

And what's with your BF? Is he part of your life now and Hubby knows about it? What about your kids, do they know?
Sometimes it's tough for kids to handle that even long after you are divorced. But while you are married... I can see one or more of them lashing out.

How old are your kids?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good for you for going back to school!!! 



yaki said:


> Now the person that used to be my husband thinks that he can punish me by not allowing me to get ice or water from the fridge dispenser. Or locking me out every now and then since he has been doing that for many many years. How long is the punishing phase?


I'm confused by the above. You say that he used to be your husband. Are you divorced?

It sounds like you are still living with him. Is that right?

How does he keep you from getting ice and water from the fridge dispenser?

If he locks you out of your home, you can call the police and they handle him. He needs to learn that you have rights and he has no right at all to lock you out of your home. It's a form of domestic abuse/violence. Does your husband ever hit you, push you around, throw and/or break things in anger?


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## yaki (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Good for you for going back to school!!!
> 
> 
> I'm confused by the above. You say that he used to be your husband. Are you divorced?
> ...


I had a curfew and if I came home from school or from visiting my family/friends after the curfew the doors would be lock. I would beg him to let me in or would call our friends in common to convince him to let me in. I was told by him that I had no rights because he is the bread winner so the court would side with him.

We are still living together, he kicked me out last year and said that this was his house since I do not work and contribute to the house. 

My kiddos are 22, 20, 18, 16, 15, and 13. Even though I have six I feel very much alone. I always thought that once my babies were bigger I would be able to move away from him and have a life on my own. More than anything I thought my babies would be supportive because of the way they have seen my husband and his family treated me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yaki said:


> I had a curfew and if I came home from school or from visiting my family/friends after the curfew the doors would be lock. I would beg him to let me in or would call our friends in common to convince him to let me in. I was told by him that I had no rights because he is the bread winner so the court would side with him.


It looks like you are in the US. Would you share which state you live in?

He lied to you about you not having any rights because he's the bread winner. You have the same rights he does. He cannot legally lock you out of your home. He knows that but he also knows that you don't know what the laws are.

Even if you did not have some ownership rights in the house, he can't lock you out because it's your legal residence. He would have to go to court to get a court order to kick you out. I doubt any judge would give him such an order since you are the primary care giver to your many children.



yaki said:


> We are still living together, he kicked me out last year and said that this was his house since I do not work and contribute to the house.


He can't legally kick you out of your home. You need to learn the laws in your state.

Even if the home is in his name only, you own 50% of it because you are married to him. You have been a stay-at-home mom for 22 years. That alone is contributing to the home.



yaki said:


> My kiddos are 22, 20, 18, 16, 15, and 13. Even though I have six I feel very much alone. I always thought that once my babies were bigger I would be able to move away from him and have a life on my own. More than anything I thought my babies would be supportive because of the way they have seen my husband and his family treated me.


If your children are not supportive of you, it might be that they see your husband as the one with all the power and so they are aligning themselves with the power. You can and should change that dynamic.

I highly suggest that you find an organization near you that provides counseling for victims of domestic abuse. You husband is abusive. 

You did not answer my question about whether or not the two of you are divorce at this time. Are you?


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## yaki (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> It looks like you are in the US. Would you share which state you live in?
> 
> He lied to you about you not having any rights because he's the bread winner. You have the same rights he does. He cannot legally lock you out of your home. He knows that but he also knows that you don't know what the laws are.
> 
> ...


We are not yet, I file for divorce last year but he came begging me to take it back because he would loose his license, so I did but he did not change he was being more mean and abusive, so I file for divorce again in February of this year. My kiddos asked me to take the divorce back last year for their dad's sake. I know I shouldn't have, but now the lawyer that is helping me doesn't seem like it's advancing much. Living in the same house it's not that good for my mental health.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

It looks like your STBX has often run you down even when your kids are around , 
kids often side with the abuser if there is a history of him acting like the intelligent one and run you down


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I don't pretend to know the full story, but unlike the cheer squad, I'm not for divorce unless there was adultery or someone is having the literal snot beat out of them. I'm not happy doesn't cut it for me and re-writing of marriage history happens to justify the "I'm not Happy". +/- 80% of divorces are filed by women and most of them with the "I'm not Happy" mantra, followed by a rundown of how much of a bastage their husbands were.

Well, a huge percentage of women after divorce and after involvement with new people find out they actually had the goose who laid the golden eggs and they chose to slaughter it.

I'm just a voice of caution. Empty nester emotions are really felt but only as persistent as a bad season. I hope you are not destroying your golden years for a flimsy feeling. Burned bridges don't allow for U-turns.

No-fault divorce has destroyed 48 percent of marriages that otherwise might have weathered a bad time and stood as a pillar of support for those in it in the end.

I won't say good on you mate, since this is like a death. Best I can do is my condolences and let's hope you have defense cause and you are not simply an impassioned murderer of the sanctity of a family.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is very hard. I know. I wish you well in getting through your divorce.

I’m curious though, why did you have 6 children with him over a span of 9 years?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Next time he locks out call the police !
Sounds like complete abuse
Live with it or get rid of it , get a restraining order , push back


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yaki said:


> We are not yet, I file for divorce last year but he came begging me to take it back because he would loose his license, so I did but he did not change he was being more mean and abusive, so I file for divorce again in February of this year. My kiddos asked me to take the divorce back last year for their dad's sake. I know I shouldn't have, but now the lawyer that is helping me doesn't seem like it's advancing much. Living in the same house it's not that good for my mental health.


What kind of license would he lose if he gets divorced? This makes no sense at all. It sounds like one more thing that he makes up.

Does anyone in your real life besides you, your children, and your husband know about his mistreatment of you?


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## yaki (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> What kind of license would he lose if he gets divorced? This makes no sense at all. It sounds like one more thing that he makes up.
> 
> Does anyone in your real life besides you, your children, and your husband know about his mistreatment of you?


He said he would loose his teaching license.

My family friends used to laugh about him locking me out. My girlfriends know because I would tell them all the time of how he would behave.


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## yaki (5 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I’m sorry you are going through this. It is very hard. I know. I wish you well in getting through your divorce.
> 
> I’m curious though, why did you have 6 children with him over a span of 9 years?


I ask myself the same question. But at times he would be nice, its a cycle I been talking to my therapist and that is the only answer I can come up with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yaki said:


> He said he would loose his teaching license.
> 
> My family friends used to laugh about him locking me out. My girlfriends know because I would tell them all the time of how he would behave.


Your family friends laughed about him locking you out? Are these friends of your husband's as well?

No, he would not lose his teaching license if he gets divorced.

Did you grow up in the USA? I ask because you seem to not know much about US laws.

Any time he tells you something like that... that he'll lose his teaching license, or that he can lock you out of the house, look up the laws in your state in the US. Or come here and ask and we'll help you find the laws.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

yaki said:


> He said he would loose his teaching license.
> 
> My family friends used to laugh about him locking me out. My girlfriends know because I would tell them all the time of how he would behave.


 I can't see in any way how he could think he would loose his teaching license. 
AND GET YOU TO FALL FALL FOR THAT


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your husband is outright lying to you. He can't kick you out of your house so do like everyone said and call the police. He isn't going to lose any kind of license because that's not something that has ever done. You need to go ahead and finish your divorce with him and get away from him. And you need to stop believing anything he says because he is just lying to you about everything trying to trap you there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

yaki said:


> I ask myself the same question. But at times he would be nice, its a cycle I been talking to my therapist and that is the only answer I can come up with.


 as he just has a habit of putting you down this is a type of mental abuse that takes years to eat away at the other person , I would never question as to why you had 6 children with this man , just some of the things he tells you , even for me a person that never lived in the US can see they would not stand up in a court of law , and if you have friends and have talked about these things how they would not be able put you right I can't see, 
Even your children that are all old enough to know these things are not true , and he has no right to do this to you , 

IT is hard to understand why the children would go along with him locking their mother out of the house 

some of your kids are old enough to be out dating so how do they get into the house when they come home


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@yaki

You should not be involved with another man until your divorce is finalized and through. This being said, your husband should not lock you out from your home. You do not have a spare key? Well, talk to a lawyer [on any given day] or call the police to sort out this problem for you [when locked outside].


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