# My husband doesn't want sex...ever.



## BreAnneSky (Jul 24, 2010)

I'm almost 23 and my husband is almost 28. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex all the time. I'm not sure when it started to fade...but we fight about it a lot. I recently just had my son..and I jokingly said to him...well at least you will get a gauranteed 6 weeks of no sex. He just laughed...but really it's true. He doesn't care. Most men are dying after a short time to be intimate with thier wives, but not mine. Every time we have sex....I have to initiate it. I think he has initiated sex....maybe 6 times. We have been together for almost 2 years now. 

When we talk..or fight about it, he says that he just doesn't think about sex...and he doesn't need it. I explain that I do, and he just looks at me like I'm weird. I'm starting to go insane. I've never been in a relationship where my man doesn't want me. I know we can't have sex right now, but my man doesn't even seem like he wants to jump my bones. It's making me really frustrated. Is this only going to get worse?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

It won't get better.

Welcome to the large club here, male and female.

Your card will arrive in 6-8 weeks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BreAnneSky said:


> When we talk..or fight about it, he says that he just doesn't think about sex...and he doesn't need it. I explain that I do, and he just looks at me like I'm weird. I'm starting to go insane.
> 
> Is this only going to get worse?


Your H is lying. He's just getting his needs met somewhere else. 

I was in this situation a few years ago. It was hell and i went insane, literally. I actually had to start taking some medication to get me to calm down. It has gotten much, much better but it got much worse before it ever got better. 

How long have you been together?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I am with Blanca on this "Your H is lying. He's just getting his needs met somewhere else."

He may not be having sex elsewhere but loosing interest means he is either masturbating, watching/reading porn, medical condition etc.. , warn him you will be giving him a little blue pill daily if he does not shape up ensure he understands how serious you are, marriages fail on this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> It won't get better.
> 
> Welcome to the large club here, male and female.
> 
> Your card will arrive in 6-8 weeks.


:rofl: At least we are finding some humor.....

This seems abnormal at his age. I tend to agree with Wisp and Blanca. Are there any other red flags? If this isn't the case, insist he see a doctor and get his testosterone level checked. Is he taking any medication which might have this side-effect?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Read the following thread he may have the same problem 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/14445-low-testosterone-how-deal.html


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Yeah unless he has low testosterone it's not going to get better if he' s not willing to change.

Sounds just like my marriage, even our ages are close. I'm 24 now, h is 29 and the first year of our marriage the sex was good. After that I realized I was the one who initiated it most of the time.

Then he started turning me down or didn't care if I was satisfied or not. A lot of our fights were about that too. He accused me of being addicted to sex (well duh when you're not getting any you tend to get horny), or told me sex wasn't the most important thing in a marriage. 

Then we decided to get pregnant and we only mostly did it when I was ovulating. The doctor told him every other day was good enough but he wouldn't do it telling me he wanted to "save it".

I caught him watching porn several times, and he promised he wouldn't do it again but I'm sure he didn't stop because call me crazy but our bathroom seemed to smell like cum until I confronted him. He obviously denied it. Don't know if it was me or he was helping himself.

A month after I gave birth I was ready to have sex. The doc even told me (sorry for TMI) down there inside out it didn't even show that I'd recently given birth. I asked my husband to buy condoms just in case and he wouldn't, even after 9 months of no sex. 

Anyway the point is he is either masturbating, has low testosterone or someone else is pleasing him.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

A few questions that might give clues as to what is going on in your marriage.

Has there been any kind of sexual dysfunction on his part in the past. Any erection or ejaculation problems? That will turn a man off partner sex.

Is he masturbating and/or looking at porn. That will sap sexual desire.

Does he suffer from anxiety or depression? Or is he taking any kind of medications that might effect his libido?

Did he suffer any kind of family or personal trauma as a child? An unconscious fear of intimacy with its roots in childhood that can kill desire sometimes crops up after a couple gets married.

Does he have any physical health problems like diabetes or being overweight?

Is he a fiercely independent person, a loner, someone with few close friends who likes to spend time alone?

If there is no physical cause then the basic problem is low or no sexual desire. You need to find out if this is just with you or has he lost interest in sex altogether. If that's the case (quite rare) then 
he really needs to see a psychiatrist and get some one on one therapy because it could be a symptom of something serious.

Although, if his lack of interest is global then it might be a simple matter of low testosterone levels which is a problem that is easily fixed with medication. He should get thoroughly checked out by his doctor.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> or told me sex wasn't the most important thing in a marriage


Ooo! Ooo! I heard that one!

And a comedian gave the perfect retort to that line, that red herring of a line the un-horny spouses use on husbands and wives - if anyone in the Unsexed Card Carrying Club gets that one again:

"No, I didn't buy our house for the bathrooms either. . .but I'd be pretty damn peeved if you took them away."

LOL.

IT's really the perfect analogy - home = marriage bathrooms = sex.

In fact, forget all this psychological investigative stuff. Here's what I think all of us should do - Put locks on the bathroom doors (relieve yourself 5 minutes before spouse gets home).

Let them come in, put their keys down and wait for them to go.

When they pull the door and can't get in, tell them that "Bathrooms isn't the most important room in the house. . .you can use them 1x/month. 1x/month is plenty."

When their face turns red (for many obvious reasons). . .then say,

"What's the matter? How are you feeling? Frustrated, huh? Getting angry? I bet you want to go elsewhere to use a bathroom, huh? Maybe a neighbor with a nice marble floor in the bathroom and dual head shower? Oh, wait you are fine to not use the bathroom? Well, how can that be? Are you getting your toiletry needs met at work?"

Don't give in too soon either. . .let them do the Potty Dance for at least 15 minutes just as we all do the Horny Dance everyday.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Ooo! Ooo! I heard that one!
> 
> And a comedian gave the perfect retort to that line, that red herring of a line the un-horny spouses use on husbands and wives - if anyone in the Unsexed Card Carrying Club gets that one again:
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Look...Refusers, men especially, will say pretty much anything to get the rejected spouse off their back. It is not usual that they harbor the big secret reason then make something else up, most often they don't really know what has caused them to lose sexual desire so the grab at straws, anything that sounds plausible. So I'd take anything they say with a grain of salt unless they have been in therapy and have been told by a professional why they refuse.

There are only three major reasons why they would make something up as a deliberate lie:

#1 they are having an affair (but not all the time. Sometimes people having affairs will maintain or even increase sex with their spouse to keep any kind of suspicion at bay)

#2 he (male Refusers only) has come to prefer porn and masturbation over partner sex and does not want to tell his wife fearing her anger and disgust. But remember this preference is a symptom of the problems in the relationship. Men who are hot for their wives are not heavy porn users.

#3a (men) he has lost sexual desire due to no longer being physically attracted to his wife. He makes something else up so as not to hurt her feelings not wanting making a bad situation worse.

#3b (women) there in no more non sexual intimacy in the relationship and so she has lost her desire. She won't tell him because she is angry and figures he wouldn't understand or change anyway.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> When they pull the door and can't get in, tell them that "Bathrooms isn't the most important room in the house. . .you can use them 1x/month. 1x/month is plenty."
> 
> When their face turns red (for many obvious reasons). . .then say,
> 
> "What's the matter? How are you feeling? Frustrated, huh? Getting angry? I bet you want to go elsewhere to use a bathroom, huh? Maybe a neighbor with a nice marble floor in the bathroom and dual head shower? Oh, wait you are fine to not use the bathroom? Well, how can that be? Are you getting your toiletry needs met at work?"


:rofl::smthumbup::rofl:
awesome analogy.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> It won't get better.
> 
> Welcome to the large club here, male and female.
> 
> Your card will arrive in 6-8 weeks.


LOL! Agreed. It will not get better unless he chooses to want sex or you choose to not want it. Does either option look like it will happen? Just remember, forcing it will only create more fights and then he will want it less. SOmetimes, he may be creating them on purpose to have a reason to not have sex... thats what my husband does. 

Oh, btw, I stopped wanting sex from my husband at all and he is finally starting to rub up against me. What a freak! A few months ago, when I was still attracted to him and hoping he would want to have sex, I would have been happy about this. All he has done is taught me that the only way he will come on to me is if I have no interest in sex or him... I hope he figures out what is wrong with him for the next woman in his life... if there are any that stick around with all his rules.

Bitter, but want you to know that a person only changes when they want to and maybe too late (hence the name).

On the other hand, he may be going through what a male friend of mine is going through with his wife. He thins she is attractive but not sexy anymore since she had children. He cant bring himself to have sex with her, and she doesnt mind bc she doesnt want it anyway. So, maybe say that you read that men sometimes feel weird about sex with their wives after wives have given birth, and see if he responds. Also reassure that its common and can be overcome.

Hoping that is your issue and not the low sex drive thing... good luck!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

[/QUOTE]
Is he a fiercely independent person, a loner, someone with few close friends who likes to spend time alone?

[/QUOTE]

Does this have something to do with a husband not wanting sex? How?


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## HaleyJ (Aug 3, 2010)

I totally relate to what you are going through! I am having a similar problem. What's funny is that we were both previously married and divorced and when I was with my ex, I went through a time when I lost interest in sex, and he used to say to me......"you must be cheating or going somewhere else" PLEASE do not listen to people who say.....Ohhh, he must be getting it elsewhere! That is SO unfair to say that. I realize that this is different when it's woman as compared to men, but I hated when my ex said things like that.....I used to think....how stupid is he? for just blaming me for something like that! of course we ended up divorcing and now I am with a man who appears to have lost interest in sex.....did my ex wish this on me??? To me....for a man to lose interest is worse than a woman losing interest......for women there's just so many things, parenting and women are just more emotional sometimes and sensitive to things that might put them not in the mood! Where men, geez, it takes alot! 
You NEED to go to counseling and get to the bottom of this and find out WHY! that is what I am doing.....don't be so quick to blame him for something like cheating! That is such a huge thing to blame someone for if it isn't true, that's just wrong! Find out what the REAL problem is before blaming or accusing. Ask him to go with you to counselling and don't take no for answer! He needs to care about your feelings enough to go.....and good luck! from someone who truly knows what it feels like to be in your spot!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

[/QUOTE]Is he a fiercely independent person, a loner, someone with few close friends who likes to spend time alone?[/QUOTE]

[/QUOTE]Does this have something to do with a husband not wanting sex? How?[/QUOTE]

Because men who prefer not to be too involved with other people, like doing things their own way, and don't like asking for help and shun it when it is offered, could be suffering from an intimacy disorder. These men tend to work in jobs with a minimum necessary contact with others and prefer not to work in a profession where team work is involved. They have difficulty becoming involved with others anymore than on a very basic surface level.

They often have no or few friends and no close friends. Such a man would probably say his wife was his best friend. These are not night-out-with-the-boys guys.

When they have a relationship they often can override these feelings, especially during the courtship phase of the relationship. The intimacy involved still makes them uncomfortable but they can hold this uneasiness at bay because they are rewarded with sex and having someone who likes/loves them. 

But after marriage they find it increasingly difficult to maintain deeply intimate connections and they allow their natural tendency to keep people at arms length to take over again. 

Some will continue to have sex but it will be over quickly. And the spouse will begin to experience a certain feeling of distance.. Even the sexual position he begins to not just prefer, but insist on--- doggie, is due to his discomfort with face to face contact during sex. (although doggie is preferred by most men so don't take that in itself as a sign of anything) 

The marital sex tends not to last too long a year or two at most depending on the frequency- the less sex the longer they will actually have sex. But a sign the sex is becoming unpleasant for him is the occurrence of sexual dysfunctions like difficulty getting and keeping and erection or an inability to ejaculate- all caused by low desire which itself is caused by intimacy anxiety.

This is why so many sexless wives say the sex was fine before and just after the wedding and then "something" happened. The problem was there all along but the refused spouse never saw it because the man was holding his fear and discomfort with closeness at bay temporarily.

The cause of this kind of intimacy disorder can often be found in childhood trauma of some kind. The children of alcoholics often suffer with this. It can also be an inherited personality trait.

It is not that these men don't have relationships. Some are very sexually active indeed. But it usually never goes deeper than the sex. If it does that's when they bail out. Many do get married though with disastrous results.

Women can also suffer with this but it is much less common than with men.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

What you are describing, MR B, is an attachment disorder in adults. If this is true, then sex is the least of your worries. It is a lifelong issue and takes years of therapy to treat. Psychotherapy - not plain old counselling. If her husband had this she would have noticed it long ago - it manifests in all facets of their life, not just sex and sociability. If you think your husband may be like this, OP, then I would be looking up some local psychotherapists quick smart.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Yes exactly. The Attachment Disorder (avoident type) causes a fear if intimacy, often unconscious. The Refuser only feels the symptoms and doesn't know what is causing them. It effects his whole life as far as interpersonal relationships goes including, of course, his marriage.

Sex is not the problem, being married or in a close relationship is.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

It appears you and your husband are young. Some questions arise to your situation: Is your husband on any type of medication at all? Do you and your husband go out or spend time with other couples at all? Perhaps he is having performance issues - he could believe that he does not perform well enough for you or is not enough for you. This is common in males who watch pornography. They may gauge their size to those in pornography and subconsciously believe they are not large enough to please their partner. 

Some men are non-aggressive when it comes to initiating sex, leading to their partner to have to make the first step. Have you tried to initiate sex by acting aggressive and dominate to him? As silly as it sounds, it may help; reassuring words may comfort his worries with sex during foreplay. Don't ever lie about what you say during foreplay, but you want to make him feel comfortable with himself to reciprocate the attention. Being aggressive with foreplay and giving encouraging words about his prowess and masculinity may all he needs to feel comfortable to start initiating intimate moments.

As far as getting his attention elsewhere, do not begin to believe such a situation. That is the worst possible mindset you want to be in with your situation. If you believe something is going on behind your back, you will begin to become cold to him/her, doubting him/her, and make the situation even worse. Remember that relationship situations are different, meaning the reasons are not the same. This is a site to discuss problems with relationships, not to instill doubt and mistrust about partners that may lead to an end of a relationship or divorce.


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## djl (Mar 29, 2009)

First, I find it strange that the original poster in this thread has not replied to any of the follow-ups to her post. I hope that she is still reading this thread because, one, there are many good and informative replies here, mixed in with the angry ones, and two, I think I might be able to help.
I am going through a period of upheaval currently over this particular issue between my wife and myself and I think that I might be able to shed some light on this for her. At least a possibility as to what her husband is going through.
I am currently on my second marriage. From a sexual point of view both of my marriages have gone very similarly to BreAnneSky's description above. In fact, in between the marriages virtually every relationship that I found myself in went pretty much down that same road.
I have come to realize that, much as Mr. B states, I have fear of intimacy issues especially when I've invested much emotion into a relationship. 
A brief history: I am the product of an alcoholic family-of-origin. There was very little caring/communicating in my family when I was coming up. I learned early on that in order to get along I had to be self sufficient and in control (at least in my own mind) of EVERYTHING! Part of this control filtered down to sex and I developed an early attachment to pornography, both as an escape from the craziness that was going on in the house and also as a way of getting rid of excess frustration through the ensuing orgasms. This was a very effective strategy (albeit an unconscious one) for keeping myself sane as a child and later a teenager, but I've learned that it does not translate into effective relationships in adulthood. 
The problem is that over the years of using porn one often becomes addicted to it. For me it became my "drug of choice". I grew up in circumstances that generated a great deal of fear and "sex with self" became what seemed to be a "safe" outlet for me. The people in the pictures/movies on the porn sites are safe. I don't have to interact with them. I can make them be anything I want them to be, in my mind and those fantasies are the hook for many sex addicts. 
A little over a year ago I joined Sexaholics Anonymous and have about 14 months clean and sober. I am told that staying clean and attending meetings will eventually lead me back to a more normal interaction with my wife, especially from a sexual perspective. As of now, we have not made love for months and she has been very patient with me and understanding of my situation. She attends S-anon meetings and those folks do wonders for her understanding and morale.
I cannot speak for BreAnneSky's husband but deep inside I want to make a much more intimate contact with my wife. I spend moments thinking about us and of things I'd like to say, but when we are together I just have much difficulty getting them out. The feeling of vulnerability that has haunted me since childhood lingers even today. 
The saddest part for me is the fact that I am married to a wonderful person who wants nothing more than to be with me, in all ways. We are so good together in most areas of marriage and I want to make us complete by fixing this part of me. I'm hoping that sharing here will help me in the process of change.
We'll see.
I will say to BreAnneSky that if he is going through this type of thing at this time the fault/blame is probably in no way hers. 

Regards, 
d


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