# I want to save my Marriage



## I-Regret-it (May 25, 2012)

I am not sure if this is the right forum becuase I am the one the cheated on my Wife about 8 years ago. The woman that I cheated on her with ended up getting cancer. So I continued to email her. I kept emailing her even thou we never had sex again. But she enjoyed emailing me and have a fantasy life via email. 2 years ago my wife found the email thread. 

All hell broke lose, I confessed everything and we went to therapy. I thought everything was ok. We were going to make it, and that she was happy.

She confessed to me last Saturday that it has been a lie and that she no longer cares about me and our relationship. She says she still loves but is not in love with me. And that she no longer knows what to do with relationship.

We have always had a ton of issues. The last 15 years have been a ton of ups and downs. When I cheated on her it was a very bad year. She was very distant and had tons of issue with sex and talking, etc. I was just some guy and she really was cold. Later she confessed to me why she was acting this way. She had never told any one that she was malested by her father when she was young and was dealing with this. I thought she just no longer loved me back then. That is how I met the women I cheated on her with becuase she was a friend that started out giving me advice to stay and then it went south and I cheated on the one true love I have had. 

We also found out that our son has a terminally ill deseas and that his life would be very short. We have been together through so many things and now, Becuas I ****ed up she is wanting to leave.

I do not want to give up. I am willing to do what every she wants what every I need to do to save our marriage. I am looking for advice any where and every where. She is on the tendering board and is unsure what to do. Am I being selfish? I do not know what to do. I have been crying ever since. I do know that I am in love with her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Has she sought a counselor to help her deal with being molested? If not, then that is step one. Her attitude now could be a relapse into the time she was cold and distant.

By the way - don't give me that crap of "I cheated because...", "I stayed in touch with the woman because...". You cheated because you wanted to do it. You kept up the emails because you wanted to do it. No excuses. Instead of trying to repair your marriage at the time - you just bailed with another woman.

If your wife is in counselling, then it might be that she realizes she cannot forgive you. If this is the case you have no one to blame but yourself and have to live with the consequences of your bad choices.

I am so sorry about your son. That is a parent's worst nightmare.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Welcome aboard! I am so sorry you are here, and especially for your son's illness. Everything else seems to pale in comparison when a child is terminal.

I think you are in a very tough spot with your marriage with no clear answers. Are you currently in good marriage therapy? It may help.

Her being molested as a child is a very big thing. It does not place all blame for the bad marriage on her. But it means that she likely has some very deep and significant psychological issues around emotional and sexual intimacy. By itself this is potentially an insurmountable problem in a marriage. Aside from the marriage she probably would get benefit from individual therapy.

Have you told her what you wrote here, that you will do what ever she needs you to do to rebuild the marriage?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I-Regret-it said:


> .


You really need to stop blaming her in any way. 

You chose to have an affair rather than seek counseling. It was your choice. 

As a betrayed spouse I understand what your wife is going through. It is difficult to get past the fact that your husband was basically dating while married and wooing some other woman while the Betrayed spouse is at home honoring their marriage vows. 

There you were out apparently looking for a second wife. You were acting single while you wife was being married. 

It's a tough thing to get over. I don't think a BS ever gets over it. They just manage it, if they choose to stay. 

I wish you luck because you do sound remorseful. 

You need to show your wife remorse, not us.

Still, the resentment is tough to let go of. 

I filed for divorce. I actually still love my husband but I hate what he did to us, and I hate who I have become since his affair. 

I was never a suspicious or distrustful person, now I am.


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## I-Regret-it (May 25, 2012)

Hello and first of all Thank yo so much for your replies.

We did go to counseling about 2 years ago. But that couselor was sucked but cheecks to put it lightly. She did not help my wife and she made it seem at the time that she was ready to move on. So, for the past two years, she has been faking it for the kids. And since she felt like not sharing I became neglectfull and did not realize I was causing even more harm to our marriage. 

Now she is just done. She had couseling one on one and told me she was going. But she also lied about that and told me she stoped going after the first few sessions. She said she was to old and did not understand her. 

I think the thing that most upsets her is that I thought and felt things were ok that we were moving away and trying to work on it. But She was not OK. And I was blind and stupid as ever. THinking I was showing her that I loved her and repected her when I was not. I know it is all my fault. I do not blame her for anything. 

She was a a trusting loving careing wife and now she is different and it is my fault. I just wish I can try to earn her love again. I am going to stay and fight. SO, I am reaching out to every possible advice format I can. I am trying to learn what I should do. What I should try, what she might be thinking. Becuase she has closed up and does not trust me. I think it might be some of the childhood issues. A relapse could be affecting this. Becuase she went from being ok to just one day, I do not love you anymore. But that could just be what I have earned for my mistake. 

She has always been difficult to love. BUt I want to love her. I know that once in awhile she has intamicy issues. She has never shared that with anyone. So I have not told her about this board. I think it actually might upset her. I am starting a journal that I am writing love letter to her so that maybe someday she would read them. 

Thank you kindly for your advice, input from an idiot who regrets what he did.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You cannot force her to stay married to you if she doesn't want to, but you can stop offering resistance to her leaving - it only causes her to want more to bolt out of the marriage. You are not necessarily giving up but giving her the breathing space to decide whether to stay or go. Be attentive and listen to her without commenting. This will show her that you do care about her. Letting go may make her think about whether her feelings of wanting out of the marriage are permanent or fleeting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try reading the book "After the Affair". I found it helpful. There are other books out there with the same goal, this is just the one that I read.


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## I-Regret-it (May 25, 2012)

I have been thinking about wether these are just signs of her true feeling and wether I am not giving her enough space to consider if she really wants to leave. I have been cooking, cleaning, flowers, letters, emails, notes. And doing everything I can to make her see that I am sorry and that I want her to stay in our marriage. 

But maybe it is wrong of me to do this. Maybe I should give her space to consider her future. I want to grow old with her. But I guess I am not giving her space. To consider what she wants. I am affraid that if I do she will decide that she does want to leave. But I want her to stay becuase she wants to stay not becuase I have been trying to change her feeling. I think I will back up and wait to see this week what she wants to do. 

This last week she has been showing me that she does want to stay, but it is becuase I am doing everything at a pace that I will not be able to do forever. I still see sadness in her eyes. Maybe that is the real feeling saying I want to leave and not saying I am sad and need healing. 

I want to believe that she wants me to show her that I love her and that she wants me to work. And I am willing to do anything she needs or wants to work this out. How can one tell?

Again Thank you again for your advice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get over to CWI and read

start with the newbie link in my signature


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I-Regret-it said:


> This last week she has been showing me that she does want to stay, but it is becuase I am doing everything at a pace that I will not be able to do forever. I still see sadness in her eyes. Maybe that is the real feeling saying I want to leave and not saying I am sad and need healing.
> 
> I want to believe that she wants me to show her that I love her and that she wants me to work. And I am willing to do anything she needs or wants to work this out. How can one tell?
> 
> Again Thank you again for your advice.


It's possible she is having an emotional or physical affair of her own and that may be causing the withdrawal. 

It's also possible she is simply tired of being suspicious and wondering if you are cheating again, or going to cheat again.

I think what you are doing can help at least show her you care. 

The sadness after learning of an affair is difficult to shake off. I don't think I ever will. It does make someone want to lash out in anger, or say things hurtful to the offender

It is like an emotional rape. You feel as if your life has been stripped of every thing real or honest. 

Life becomes surreal because it becomes difficult to distinguish reality from wishful thinking or seeing in someone what you wanted to see. 

I don't think a betrayed spouse will ever trust the betrayer. It's just normal. You look at the betrayer and say, "Who is this person"?

As others have said you can't make her stay, if she has decided to leave.


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