# So here we go again....



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I stopped by my friends house for Thanksgiving and there is a mutual friend there just sitting on a stool without his wife.

Backstory: Perfect couple that were ALWAYS into each other. Married 20-some years. Seemed liked best friends....

He tells me she up and told him he has been a terrible husband and she wants to separate. He is in total shock.

This screams some sort of affair to me but this was so fresh, I didn't bring affair up. Actually by the time I heard this, it was time to leave.

We are not close friends but have mutual friends. 

Should I let this go or try to somehow express my gut feeling to him? I don't even know what I would say anyway.

He thinks it's his fault (again, total shock) and I don't think it is.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I generally think it is bad form to offer advice to people who didn't ask for it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He'll find out soon enough. And anyway it's really none of your business.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have no proof of anything. I wouldn't go throwing out the "affair" keyword right off the bat. If you want to help him (and feel comfortable with it), send him here and let him tell his story. Then STRANGERS can suggest an affair, if it makes sense. 

C


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I stopped by my friends house for Thanksgiving and there is a mutual friend there just sitting on a stool without his wife.
> 
> Backstory: Perfect couple that were ALWAYS into each other. Married 20-some years. Seemed liked best friends....
> 
> ...



Don't assume anything. Doing so might put thoughts in his mind that just aren't accurate. 

That wouldn't be fair to him. Instead, offer to lend him your ear and if he opens up to you, 
be there for him. In short, I'd tread lightly unless you know for certain. 
Every relationship is different.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

No, I really don't know them well enough at all. I just feel badly for them. 

You are right, it is not my business and it will all come out eventually.

I may never know but it was really sad.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have suggested to more than person to come here.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sad. Often times we get it. If the person is not close I would let it go. On the other hand you have nothing to lose to just say, it sounds like she is having an affair you should look up signs of affairs online, and leave it at that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can maybe you could send him an anonymous email with a list of cheating redflags. Explain you heard whatvwas going on and infidelity jumped to mind because you had heard it all before. Wish him luck and give him the TAM link.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Rugs said:


> He tells me she up and told him he has been a terrible husband and she wants to separate. He is in total shock.
> 
> This screams some sort of affair to me..


Of course it does. That's the automatic go-to response.

None of us know what happened in this marriage. But if I had to make a bet, my $1,000 would go towards "Walk-away-wife". Of course he was shocked. Of course she didn't tell him earlier. And even if there is an OM, she walked a long time before he entered the scene.

It's all "affair, affair, affair". Walk-away wives (and the clueless husbands pushing them away) are destroying the institution of marriage in this country and NOBODY is talking about it.

No, stay out of his life. You don't even know him. And your thoughts (and the confirmation of these veteran posters) are probably wrong anyhow.

You want to help him? Put your hand on his arm, look him right in the eye, and say "if there is anything I can do to make this better; ANYTHING, just let me know". Then give him a peck on the cheek and a little wink as you turn to leave.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> He tells me she up and told him he has been a terrible husband and she wants to separate....
> 
> We are not close friends


The problem is that since you are not close friends, you don't know if what he told you is really what she said (you don't know him well enough to know if it's possible she might have used a different word than "terrible"), or if perhaps he HAS been a terrible husband (if you were closer, you might have heard that all was not as rosy as it seemed - for example, maybe he's been using online porn a lot and she's afraid the kids will catch him some night with his pants down but he won't stop?). 

In other words, you're too far removed from this situation to really know if you should suggest the possibility that she's having an affair. 

Sometimes, when you're a carpenter, every problem looks like it needs to be dealt with by hitting it with a hammer. Not all problems need hammers. I think you shouldn't say anything.


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