# My wife has told me she needs a break...



## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

I've been married to my wife for 12 years, and have been with her for 16. Everything seemed to be going fine until she came home and said she needed a 'break' from our relationship. She also said I make her mad with everything I do. This was the second time I've been blindsided with issues I didn't know were causing a problem. I was told I don't do enough around the house, which I admitted that I could do more.
Back in February my wife told me she didn't want to have sex with me anymore. We decided that counseling and checking into anything medical would help. Well, the counseling and medical help worked, or so I was led to believe. We even went on a small family vacation with our children where I was led to believe everything was going well for us again.
So, in the past 2 months I have been hit with things I never even knew were issues. But I can't tell her she can't take a 'break' out of fear of driving her away. I asked her what I could do, she said more around the house and to find a better job. I honestly don't feel as if those are issues that should lead to a 'break' and am having a hard time trying to figure the cause out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It would just destroy me to lose the only woman I've loved, and the mother of my children.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Rule out that there is a third party in the relationship or in the wings. 
Does she have male friends?

I am not saying she is in an affair but you must rule it out as you cannot work on the marriage if she is in one untill it is stopped.

Above all do not go for separation. Do not go for giving her space and so on. Find out what is going on and either deal with it or let her move go.

In a healthy marriage a couple is spending time together in sexual and non sexual ways. Do you go on date nights?

See Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.. Get the book.

Does she work? What activities do you two do together? What activities does she do herself or with friends? 

Having a better background would help folks guide you on what to do.

What does she not like about your job?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Whoa! You're very close to hearing the "I love you but I'm not in love you" speach that comes just after you chase her too much and often into the arms of another man waiting. I agree she needs her space but there's no way you can talk to her right now about the possibility of an EA/PA without her jumping into defences and blacing blame on you no matter what.

Chances are there are more than one men who she has fantasized about being with and confided her problems with, but that's not your biggest problem. People can work through affairs but she's trying to leave you as slowly as she can without taking a lot of guilt all at once. I wouldn't be surprised is she all of a sudden stopped wearing her rings during this slow withdrawl time. She is looking for problems where there aren't any so she can place blame on you and feel no guilt abot checking out of the relationship like this. I went this route and did everything my W wanted, I promise you that she will turn into a raging b*tch for no reason if you turn into the man she says she wants and get a better job and come home to work on the house more. She will not respect you for not standing up and not puttig up with her when she's being cruel.

You're number one concern is not giving her the ammunition to leave and file for divorce while she is so upset. I would really look into the 180 plan and just leave her alone for a while. Agree with her right now no matter what she says (unless it's for you to move out of your own house) and let her have her space she thinks she needs. When she wants to fight or seems upset leave her alone and go somewhere for a while when you feel like lashing out. Trust me on this.... you'll see her go from I hate you to please come back in a few hours. 

I think the reason she started this process could have been what said and you not helping out, but really she got bored and lost interest in you. You can get it back but you're going to have to beat your codependency or need to please her in order to have her stay. Think about it like this.... if she was treating you like this and you were just dating you'd probably dump her right away. So now that she's being cold and cruel don't jump to please her or settle the problem to make her happy. You'll need to take the blame 90% of the time in order to get along but no more doing sweet things for her UNTIL she starts being nice. She will intemittently show you affection and abandonment so the best thing it to just not care becaus you'll be having more fun with yourself and not need her approval or validation.

The most successful 180 prepares you for whatever happens like an affair, surprise divorce, or any number of things that could destroy you. And I can tell you that when she get's over this or if she happens to leave what you do now will mean the difference between keeping her for good, getting her back, or losing her forever so agree agree agree and don't believe a single thing she says that seems hurtful and out of character. She is just speaking out of anger to cover he own deeper sense of guilt and hurt and you know deep down this isn't her, but chasing her and trying to change her mind about this only show her that you don't care about the way she feels.... so stop all that and just agree. "I would prefer we worked on this marriage and I am prepaired to do anything I can, but you're right this marriage is doomed. I'll help you start packing tomorrow and find an appartment." 

That seems harsh but you would only be enabling her treat you like sh!t while she politely breaks your heart over time. You grow a pair and show her you like her but don't need to to feel happy (just like you did when dating her) and I promise she will look at you with more respect. An if there is another man involved FOR GOD SAKES DON'T SHOW JEALOUSY!!!! Once you find out calmly and confidently show her the door or D papers and let her go see what she thought would be better than a secure and faithful marriage. The're relationship won't last very long and by the time she calls just to hear your voice you'll be indifferent and more in touch with the man she first married. And FYI it's very common for them to come back in about two years if they leave but the trick is not turning into a spiteful baby and showing weakness when she tests you over the phone. 

And I also have to point out if she was having an affair or you guys did divorce you have a higher statistic for reconciling because of the children, especially if they're old enough to ask for you.

I hope I didn't bring you down with all of this. I really want you to see this from all sides and stop beating yourself up. It's not all your fault!!!! Help yourself to not need her by getting an exciting life outside of her and talk to other woman (Keep things just friends and no touching!). If you're lucky and really start working on yourself to become someone that impresses the hell out of you when you look at yourself in the mirror she will take notice. (hint: look up Bushido the seven priciples of the samauri used by JFK, Reagen, the armed forced officer manuals, and the scouts) But don't try to impress her or you'll end up going crazy because right now she doesn't even know wtf she wants from day to day. 

If you PM me I can link you some ebooks that will help you out and a stack of paper backs you can read to improve youself and take your mind off of her.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

If she's not involved with another man in some way, I'll eat my hat.


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## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

The one time I hinted at a possible affair the defenses jumped up fast and I was told, "Thank you for calling me a f'ing ****!"

Yes, we both work, she's a nurse and I work at a local grocery store. We have regular date nights as well, send the children to the grandparents and have dinner/movie or shopping date nights. We take vacations and short trips often. After the February problem she even said she wanted to go to Vegas and have an expensive vow renewal ceremony.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

ruger said:


> the defenses jumped up fast and I was told, "Thank you for calling me a f'ing ****!"


oh, well, in that case... very convincing...


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

There may be the possibilities of cheating.
Is there any male friend of her?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Idk, nurses and pretty much the whole med fiels has a high probability of infadelity. Just cautious after reading so many "she would never cheat" responses that turn into "it's been going on for a while" weeks after the OP first posts.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ruger,

As others have pointed out, your wife is displaying many red flags that point towards either infidelity or the thoughts of going down that path.

You need to rule this out to put your mind at ease and allow you to work on the other issues in your marriage.

To do so, you need to quietly investigate what she may be up to.

First, start by looking at her cell phone records. Is she texting and calling a number or two alot? Has she started to keep her phone by her side at all times? 

Next, buy a voice activated recorder or two along with some heavy duty velcro. Place the recorder (with the velcro) under the seat of her car (if she's a cheater, this is one of the places she'd feel safe talking to her other man (OM)

Last, if you guys have a PC at home that she uses, buy a key logger and install it right away. It will allow you to see what she may be up to on line

You should also start reading in the copin with infidelity forum so you can be informed just in case she is involved (or thinking about becoming involved) in an affair

Sorry you're here


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People who continuously pile objection upon objection are being passive aggressive to the point of making you so miserable that you're the one who'll who will break up the relationship. They don't want the relationship but worse, they don't want the responsibility of breaking it up. They want to force you to do that so they can wallow in victimhood either because they want to hang on the cross or they will see it as a justification for their own behavior. 

No one can know whether that person is involved with someone else or even wants to. Martyrs rarely see the world from the perspective of other people or even what would make themselves happy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ruger said:


> The one time I hinted at a possible affair the defenses jumped up fast and I was told, "Thank you for calling me a f'ing ****!"
> 
> Yes, we both work, she's a nurse and I work at a local grocery store. We have regular date nights as well, send the children to the grandparents and have dinner/movie or shopping date nights. We take vacations and short trips often. After the February problem she even said she wanted to go to Vegas and have an expensive vow renewal ceremony.


Of course she would say that in any case. So what is being suggested is that you do some snooping.

Ok so she is comparing your job to that of people she works with. She brings in more money that you do?

You guys work about the same number of hours?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Rule out that there is a third party in the relationship or in the wings.
> Does she have male friends?
> 
> I am not saying she is in an affair but you must rule it out as you cannot work on the marriage if she is in one untill it is stopped.


I agree; it would be prudent to quietly investigate this possibility, for your own peace of mind if nothing else.

Unfortunately however....the alternative of no affair is not a great thing either. As per my case, if she is saying this and there is indeed nothing going on with another man, chances are that she is "Double-done", and is really deadly serious about taking a break...highly likely a permanent one....and the more you try to stop it, the more heartache you will bring on yourself and the more you will drive her away. If this is the case with you, it is likely to be more along the lines of her thinking "Is this all there is"? to life. Unfortunately in this lack of commitment western world we live in, this sort of thing is common, and even encouraged by popular media etc.

So my advice would be to quietly and thoroughly investigate for evidence of another party (and as I mentioned, even if there isn't one, you will likely find out some things about what is going on in her head...also look for influences from friends, etc). Whatever you find, I'd say do (at least for now) keep on trying to save it...but just know what your odds are (i.e. not good). 

If and when your "save" attempts fail and you just can't take the rejection anymore, then flip it on its head and get down to planning your separation...probably best done while still talking, as you can keep it amicable and represent yourself much better through straight talking with her, and without lawyer involvement.

Good luck - I firsthand know its a horrible situation to be in - but....try and get out of the mindset of "It will destroy you" - it won't if you don't let it. Change you, yes, but it doesn't have to destroy you, by any means.


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## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies, I'm trying to absorb all the input as well as I can currently.
I've tried to look at this as me just overreacting to the situation, at times I admit I get very focused on a situation being only bad. However, out of curiosity I glanced at her cell phone today, something I've never done before. She had been having a text conversation about what I think with one of her friends. The few messages I read looked to me as if they were making fun of me thinking she was going somewhere she shouldn't. I said nothing to her, but I'm not the kind of person that hides how they feel very well, so she asked me what was bothering me. When she finally pulled it out of me her reply was, "We weren't making fun of you, we were laughing about the person you think this is happening with."
She has done nothing to make me believe something isn't happening definitively. All she keeps saying is "I'm sorry I'm an a-hole for hurting you like this."
She also keeps saying she loves me, so I asked her if she was still _IN_ love with me, she said she didn't know.


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## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Of course she would say that in any case. So what is being suggested is that you do some snooping.
> 
> Ok so she is comparing your job to that of people she works with. She brings in more money that you do?
> 
> You guys work about the same number of hours?


I tried to snoop a bit, but I'm uncomfortable with it. All I found was the text message conversation with her friend, and she also changed her e-mail password, so I can't check there.

Yes, she brings in more money than I do. We live in a rural town and all I can find since we moved back are part-time jobs. I work between 25-32 hours a week, and she works 12 hour shifts 3 times a week.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Who does that? A break from marriage? 

I would bet she's cheating and wants to test the waters with that without you breathing down her neck.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ruger said:


> I tried to snoop a bit, but I'm uncomfortable with it. All I found was the text message conversation with her friend, and she also changed her e-mail password, so I can't check there.
> 
> Yes, she brings in more money than I do. We live in a rural town and all I can find since we moved back are part-time jobs. I work between 25-32 hours a week, and she works 12 hour shifts 3 times a week.


Install a keylogger on the computer she uses and find out her email/facebook passwords.

All of her action's so far are of cheater's. From now on don't confront her with every little piece of evidence. Take your time, act normal and gather as much as evidence you can.

Which phone is she using?


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## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

If it helps anyone, here's a bit more insight. In February, when our issues were brought to my attention, it occurred 3 days before Valentine's Day. When I was informed by my wife that she needed a break it was April 20, and my birthday is April 24.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She's trying to disqualify herself hoping you'll push her away so she doesn't have to feel responsible for ending the marriage on her terms. Either this could mean her acting out of terms over an excuse to leave or intentionally trying to leave clues behind so you'll push her into an affair. You simply have to trust your gut about an affair. And I would start cancelling joint accounts and prepairing yourself for the absolute worse immediately. Not to alarm you but.... you better get your emotions under control ASAP and learn to agree with her. Trust me on this one, I had to face a BS restraining order and not pitch a fit when I noticed a hickey on my wife. 

The big signs I saw that may clue you in besides wanting a break and not telling you she loves you are.....

Did she start mentioning a friend repeatedly over the last six months? Maybe a man/woman that she keeps wanting to tell you about. She may have been seeing this person for a while but can't quit so she's hoping things will work out and she doesn't have to face the grief of ending her marriage over an affair. Look up "women's infadelity" it will tick you off but it explains a lot.

Is she hanging around any one woman or group of women that are divorced and into the pathetic 30+ party scene? This could be someone with a rocky marriage, but they give you the stink eye when you see them.

Did her sense of humor or likes/dislikes change all of a sudden, but when asked her interests, stories, and jokes are quickly forgotten.

Has her working schedule suddenly changed within the past six months, yet she is wishy washy about her time off.

Does she tell you she needs space when you are by no means bothering her? If you text her or call her on her lunch break does she return your contact in a timely manner or does it take her hours or until she comes home to talk to you.

Have you noticed a change in her walk from stiff to swaying and free in the same day? I'll explain this one later.

Has she been talking about expensive things she wants, vacations, fancy living arrangements? For examply does she keep bringing up a new car when you both can't afford one at the moment and you old one works just fine?

Has she thrown away or gotten rid of things you have given her?

That's all I can thnk of for now. Your mission should you choose to accept it will be to get some proof that she is either talking to or physically emotional with SOMEONE SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. Anything you can gather from a FB profile, to a pic, to recorded conversation or even phone reccords. Easiest way would be a phone reccord proving she has been calling the same number over and over for long periods of time..... you get that and you can reverse the number to find the persons name and address. If you can get a ahold of her computer you take it an expert who will unlock it with a hash file (for windows not sure about mac) and you can either find a stored password for her email on her computer or install a good key loger. You get into her email account and you can not only see her conversations but where she and the other person sent them from exactly (like the exact house). Phones are harder to trace without a court order and 6-8wks. The easiest way would be to get her to respond to an email and then trace that.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Also have to add that it's time for you to 180 NOW! 

If you think she's cheating then react like you're living with a cheating wife and stop trying to get her to show any affection, because she lost respect for you long ago and will lie to your face to keep you from getting upset when the evidense is right in front of you. You must pull away and stop sleeping in the same bed as her. Stop going out on dates until you feel like you can trust her. I know it's sweet but why should you be paying for a fun evening if she won't even toss you a quicky once in a while. You can date her later going dutch as friends but you are not emotionally ready yet, maybe in a month but not now.

What I see is the unwravelings of a cake eater in the closet. You are the fall back guy keeping her family safe and providing food and shelter while she pretends she is happy but she is really bored and looking for exitement elsewhere. I really hope it's not an affair but at least with an affair you know what you're dealing with. If it was some other external force pulling her away you'd be at a loss for quite some time. 

I can tell you from experience exactly where you stand.... you're in the YELLOW zone! She still lives with you but there's something going on and one really bad day could be just the excuse she needs to leave and go further a relationship, single life, or pretend she's in her teens and has no kids to take care of. That's why where all telling you to work on getting a grip so conversations like the one where she comforted you with bold face lies after you got close to the truth won't happen again.

You're going to need to be very strong if you have to confront her and treat her like she's let you down, not approach her like a lost puppy or homeless child. I did this twice and it hurt more each time and killed the dream I had for us, but at the same time it felt good to let my W know I would not put up with that in a calm way. I could write books about this but I'll keep it short and tell you confidence is key. When you pull away she's going to do just enough to keep you hanging on and it's going to be your choice to either let her have her affair and go on a dates twice a month until the OM gets too possessive and screws up or let her go experience what was so damn worthy of screwing up a good marriage and then make her work to earn your trust again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

My gut says that an affair is likely. You need to gather some evidence before you get cleaned up. Her responses are typical for a woman in affair.


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## ruger (Apr 20, 2012)

I actually tried to do a bit of snooping, hoping to prove my thoughts wrong. Well, she changed her password on her e-mail and has deleted all her text messages and call log on her cell phone.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ruger said:


> I actually tried to do a bit of snooping, hoping to prove my thoughts wrong. Well, she changed her password on her e-mail and has deleted all her text messages and call log on her cell phone.


Which phone is she using?

Install a keylogger on the computer she uses.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ruger said:


> i actually tried to do a bit of snooping, hoping to prove my thoughts wrong. Well, she changed her password on her e-mail and has deleted all her text messages and call log on her cell phone.


Big red flag.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Yeah....I concure with bandit on that. As also suggested above, I'd keylogger the computer in order to retrieve the password.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a var into her car ASAP, and get the cellphone records from the cell company, find out who she is texting.

She's showing every sign of an affair. And one that is escalating.

Stop according her. If she is cheating she will continue lie and contine to go farther underground.

But I highly believe she is seeing anther guy. 

Get that var, and check the cell phone, credit card , and check the mileage on her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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