# Has Separation Helped You? How?



## forthesakeofreason (May 29, 2012)

My basic question is has anyone here thought that a separation would help their marriage? Why do you think that it would (or wouldn't)? What's the purpose?

My wife wants to separate and says she thinks it will help. I don't think it would help at all.

My story, although not really relevant to my question can be seen here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49859-flashes-my-head-8.html


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## Nikole2000 (Jul 11, 2012)

I don't think seperation for more than a week or so would help anything. My husband wants "time" and I'm not okay with it, but I told him if that is what he wants than go ahead but I'm not going to be put on hold forever. 

To me... it's like if you truely love someone why do you need space to realize this? I get maybe everyone needs some time to themselves, but asking anyone for a seperation hurts and is a wound that will always linger.

Are you seperated now? I hope that everything has working out. How long have you been married for? I have only been married for 7 months so my situation may be a bit different.


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## forthesakeofreason (May 29, 2012)

Nikole2000 said:


> I don't think seperation for more than a week or so would help anything. My husband wants "time" and I'm not okay with it, but I told him if that is what he wants than go ahead but I'm not going to be put on hold forever.


I said the same thing to my wife. She packed her stuff, but hasn't left yet. I told her I did not want her to leave, and gave her a few reasons, and apparently that was enough to keep her in the door. 



> Are you seperated now? I hope that everything has working out. How long have you been married for? I have only been married for 7 months so my situation may be a bit different.


Not currently separated, and she asked me for a separation 5 weeks ago. She wants to leave still, and its pretty much breaking my heart. She has asked that we not be intimate at all from now on if she's going to stay in the house... no holding hands, kissing, and anything beyond that obviously. Our 4 year anniversary is 15 days away, and we've been together for 8.


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## forthesakeofreason (May 29, 2012)

legaldocument said:


> If your wife really wants to be separated and asking for the same again and again, then allow her. Else life will be terrible for both you and your wife. 8 years is a long time and I am sure she will be return back in few days with a new fragrance in your life.


I don't know if she REALLY wants to leave. I've tried to make it easy. I helped her pack the first time, I told her we could get her an apartment, I really made every effort I could to make it easy for her to leave. She doesn't work, so I told her to set up a bank account and I'll have money deposited each week. Honestly I'm really confused because she says many things but when it comes down to it, she acts like she wants to be there.

I've just read so many horror stories and I don't want things to get worse. I've heard that something like 10% of people that separate actually reconcile. I figured if that was the case, let's just tough it out.


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## Nikole2000 (Jul 11, 2012)

Yeah... I agree with legaldocument, even thought I don't think seperation is good for a long period, maybe letting her go for a week or a couple days would probably be best because by holding on you are probably pushing her away. What if you sent her off on a weekend spa trip or girls weekend- or something like that so you are telling her that you still love her but also giving her some time.

Right now, my husband has been out of the house for 2 days and although its the last thing I want, we havbe been through this before and when he has stayed home it has never resolved the issue.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife and I separated twice; first time for 9 months, second time for 3. I think it opened her eyes and made her realize just how much I provided for her but it didn't really help our relationship any.

In fact, I think it just made us both realize we could survive without being married. It's a huge line to cross in my eyes. Once you actually do it...might be hard to come back. Depends on things though, like will she just go stay somewhere else with minimal items? Or is she going to completely move out taking half your household?

I stayed at our condo for awhile once w/o actually moving out and I hated not having all my "stuff", so I went back home.


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## forthesakeofreason (May 29, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> My wife and I separated twice; first time for 9 months, second time for 3. I think it opened her eyes and made her realize just how much I provided for her but it didn't really help our relationship any.


That's sort of where she's coming from. To quote her exactly "I'm not ready to give up on our marriage just yet." She basically said she thinks she needs some perspective.



> In fact, I think it just made us both realize we could survive without being married. It's a huge line to cross in my eyes. Once you actually do it...might be hard to come back. Depends on things though, like will she just go stay somewhere else with minimal items? Or is she going to completely move out taking half your household?


I see what you're saying. She definitely wasn't gearing up for a full on "move everything out, I'm never coming back" sort of scenario. Maybe that was down the road. I also agree that its a huge line to cross. I honestly don't want to cross it. Period. I really don't have a choice if she wants to.



> I stayed at our condo for awhile once w/o actually moving out and I hated not having all my "stuff", so I went back home.


So are you guys cool now? What happened?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

for me, separation has not gotten me what i wanted, but i am dealing with it. he literally told me one day he wasn't happy and was leaving (he was staying at his parents house). i was in utter shock. he claimed he loved me and wanted to work on things. after 2 months, nothing had really been worked on, and i was so stressed/heartbroken. i took the kids up to the lake for the 4th of july and ALL of his things were gone. he isn't returning my calls or text messages. as much as it hurts that he has given up, it's also a relief not to be in limbo anymore. if you both want to work things out, i strongly suggest against separation. go to counseling. read relationship books. i think when one person leaves, it's much more likely not to have a happy ending.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

forthesakeofreason said:


> I don't know if she REALLY wants to leave. I've tried to make it easy. I helped her pack the first time, I told her we could get her an apartment, I really made every effort I could to make it easy for her to leave. She doesn't work, so I told her to set up a bank account and I'll have money deposited each week. Honestly I'm really confused because she says many things but when it comes down to it, she acts like she wants to be there.
> 
> I've just read so many horror stories and I don't want things to get worse. I've heard that something like 10% of people that separate actually reconcile. I figured if that was the case, let's just tough it out.


Why make it easy for her? If she wants to leave you, the door is over there --->.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble because I understand that you don't want a separation, but therein lies your dilemma. If you make it too easy for her, she has learned nothing about you or what she really wants.

If she really wants to separate, she will have to find a job first to support herself. She will have to find her own place to live and pay her own bills. Now THAT is a "real" separation. Living independently from you. That is the true nature of a separation and not living apart but still dependent on you.

This is what should be explained to her. She is certainly within her rights as a individual to walk out the door. You can't control that. What you can control is giving her a realistic vision of what that means. If she wants to continue to live with you and be your wife, then she has to start acting like one in all respects, not just as a roommate. On the other hand, if she truly wants to leave, that would mean you are no longer a couple. She would have to be on her own without your help. She can't have it both ways.

If she does all that on her own, and THEN realizes how much she loves and misses you, she has learned her lesson. If you help her, she has learned to use you as a provider only. If she finally realizes that she really needs you and loves you, then you have won.

Sometimes you have to play hard ball to teach a lesson. Good luck to you.


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