# Dont know what to do!!!!



## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

I am a 27 year old father of 2 beautiful little girls. My wife is 23 years old. I came here because I do not know what to do anymore. 

The wife and I are going through some major problems right now. She is basically saying that she does not know if she loves me. Basically it all started because after being married over 4 1/2 years I am not fluent in German.... I know understand a lot of german, but speaking and writing are extremely difficult for me. Also, I have not started an integration course or I have not found a job here (I absolutely refuse to work at McDonald's or as a cleaning person.)

I would love to work but iver here it is very hard to get a job for me. I was almost 6 years in the Infantry (medically retired) and I really do not have many other skills than that. I am, I guess a SAHD, as you would say. My wife has a part time job and I get money from the V.A. 

I know that we have had our problems and I dont understand her reasoning behind her actions. She says that shes been feeling like this for a while, but yet still said "I love you" untill the other day. 

This is how my day is like, I get up to take our oldest to kindergarten. Come home and either play PS3 or watch some shows online, if our youngest is still sleeping. Wife usually sleeps till 10-11 in the morning, but does get our oldest ready in the morning (80% of the time). When our youngest gets up I turn her on her favorite kids show (the Octanaunts or something like that). Once this happens I either go into the kitchen or start cleaning the frontroom. In the afternoon I leave to pick up our oldest from kindergarten. Its only takes about 10min walking one way. Get home clean some more. Put the kids down for their naps. Usually before dinner, I have to go the store to get drinks or something small. Again walking distance, we live in a small city. Usually play with the kids before bed, brush their teeth and read a story, put them to bed. Now I dont mind this at all, I love it.

I rambled on there for a minute. The point is I do most things around the house, even go buy her cigs ( I started using E cigs last month). Yet she still wants me to go to work or intergration course. I have been looking but most jobs here require a degree. I also have to do everything myself related to immigration, but when when we were in the states, I had to do everything from paying the bills to everything. But here oh no, she cant help me at all. We had a talk the other day and she said that a separation would be best. Not for me, because I do everything with the kids and she wants me to leave. IF she is not happy why cant she leave? Oh yeah, because her name is on the lease. We came to an agreement that I could stay here but we both needed our own space. She wanted me to move to an apartment in town so I could still see the kids, but not do everything that I used to. Dont take into fact that I would have to pay for a small apartment, plus for the kids all in euro's and pay for some of her apartment as well. How is any of this fair to me? 

She said would think about counseling, but doesnt believe in it. I need some advice please....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First off do not leave. While the lease might be in her name, it's your legal residence and family home. Don't leave your children. She can leave if she wants, without the children.

You probably need to see a local attorney to find out your rights.

I guess your disability benefits are enough to live on?

If you are going to live in Germany surely you should be taking courses to become fluent in German. Why won't you do that? Makes no sense.

As for a job. Sure most jobs might require a degree. But all do not. 

Do you have the GI bill? If you do couldn't you go to school and get a degree?

My guess is that your wife is not attracted to a man who is a SAHD. Women generally are not. Until you change that you have what you have.


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

My earnings are enough to live on, not the life that I want, but we are ok money wise. I have done integrations courses, but I can never complete them, I do well until I get to a certain point and I just cant follow anymore. I have been looking but for the most a good number do actually require degrees. I found a few, but they are limited. I have been wanting to use my GI bill for college. I have been looking at a few. 

Another thing is that she wants me to support the family by getting a job but she is umwilling to sacriffice anything for me to get a job. I have found jobs in Munich and Frankfurt, plus I could easily find a job in the states, I have been offered, but she is unwilling to move to the states or anywhere else for that matter. Maybe a new start in a new location could help our marriage, but what she wants she gets. I do not ask for much here, but I moved over here away from my family, I given up alot and she cant give up anything.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is going to sting a little, and maybe I'm mis-reading. But just based on your description of your day/life you sound a little lazy. I mean, you clean a little, but otherwise play ps3, take a walk and not a whole lot else. You want to live in Germany, but won't take steps to bother learning the language? I think, in general, women are not attracted to men with no ambition. Perhaps you "want" or "think" you have ambition, but your actions kind of say otherwise. Since you were medically discharged, do you have depression? Are you being treated? Obviously I don't know the whole story so I'm guessing at the details.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think you and your wife need to get on the same page here... you're not even in the same book.

Sounds like you like being a SAHD, but she's not feeling that. Maybe that can be discussed further. Her expectations and yours need to be hashed out.

Also, you should look into getting Rosetta Stone or some other language program to learn to speak German. It will only benefit you and your family, wouldn't you agree?


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is going to sting a little, and maybe I'm mis-reading. But just based on your description of your day/life you sound a little lazy. I mean, you clean a little, but otherwise play ps3, take a walk and not a whole lot else. You want to live in Germany, but won't take steps to bother learning the language? I think, in general, women are not attracted to men with no ambition. Perhaps you "want" or "think" you have ambition, but your actions kind of say otherwise. Since you were medically discharged, do you have depression? Are you being treated? Obviously I don't know the whole story so I'm guessing at the details.


I am no way lazy, all I do is clean and try to make the house look nice. I only play PS3 very early in the morning (before wife or youngest daughter is awake, and only for like 30 or 40 min) or very late at night when everyone is a sleep. I am the one who takes our oldest to kindergarten everyday and picks her up (my little walk). I go to the store almost every day for groceries, brush the kids teeth, read them stories, put them to bed. I am doing everything that a SAHD would while my wife lays in bed all day. 
I have an injured back, sleep apnea, and other injuries. That was just a small description of what I do on a daily basis. I guess I have to do this plus work a full time job while my wife wants to lay all day and do 1 thing around the house (cook). How is that fair or lazy. I have taken the steps to learning German, but its much more difficult for me personally. If you have any questions ask and I will answer to best of my ability.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The bills need to be paid. One of you needs to be working for that to happen and it looks to me like you both are looking for the other to do it. You both can't live like dependants. That's not realistic, you have kids to care for who are TRUE dependants unable to care for themselves.


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I think you and your wife need to get on the same page here... you're not even in the same book.
> 
> Sounds like you like being a SAHD, but she's not feeling that. Maybe that can be discussed further. Her expectations and yours need to be hashed out.
> 
> Also, you should look into getting Rosetta Stone or some other language program to learn to speak German. It will only benefit you and your family, wouldn't you agree?


I was using Rosetta Stone, while in the Army. I am not a total beginner at speaking German, I am just not fluent. If I go out to town, I know what to say and everything, but I get extremely nervous talking to government officials or people with authority, know what I mean. I am on a website call German Flashcards that has been helping.

Also, she said that she wanted to work full time, because she likes her part time job(which is like 2 days a week) but never went forward with it, thats why I never looked for a job.But things change.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I totally suck at German. I took 3 quarters in college. All I can remember is wie gehts! lol

Is there a reason that you have to continue living in Germany? Wouldn't it be easier for you to have a job if you lived at home? Like ABM says, you can't both live like you're dependents. Someone has to work and pay for everything.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

PosingOwl said:


> I am a 27 year old father of 2 beautiful little girls. My wife is 23 years old. I came here because I do not know what to do anymore.
> 
> The wife and I are going through some major problems right now. She is basically saying that she does not know if she loves me. Basically it all started because after being married over 4 1/2 years I am not fluent in German.... I know understand a lot of german, but speaking and writing are extremely difficult for me. Also, I have not started an integration course or I have not found a job here (I absolutely refuse to work at McDonald's or as a cleaning person.)
> 
> ...


dude, your playing ps3 instead of focusing on getting a job. thats all i needed to hear, unless your a career housewife-she has a point. :scratchhead:


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I totally suck at German. I took 3 quarters in college. All I can remember is wie gehts! lol
> 
> Is there a reason that you have to continue living in Germany? Wouldn't it be easier for you to have a job if you lived at home? Like ABM says, you can't both live like you're dependents. Someone has to work and pay for everything.


When I speak I get all the words in the wrong place. Its a very difficult language.

She does not want to live in the states, even though it is easy for me to get a job there.Also, she went to school to be a nurse and she could even work in the states if she wanted. She says why should she if she does not know how it will turn out. We lived in El Paso when I was in and she hatted it. Even though there was a large German Community there. 

Yes, I do play but that is my time, I do a lot during the day and its a way for me to relax and to think. Its better than drinking my problems away (which I stopped 3 years ago). Its the only time I get to myself.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> The bills need to be paid. One of you needs to be working for that to happen and it looks to me like you both are looking for the other to do it. You both can't live like dependants. That's not realistic, you have kids to care for who are TRUE dependants unable to care for themselves.


:iagree:


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

Desperate_Housewife said:


> :iagree:


The bills are always paid.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PosingOwl said:


> The bills are always paid.


This may be true, but not to your wife's satisfaction apparently. She expects more from you. You seem to want the status quo.


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

If she really expected more from me then she can get up out of here and move with me to where I can get a job. I can understand her about not wanting to move to the states, because of her family and everything, but not moving to frankfurt or a city up north


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PosingOwl said:


> If she really expected more from me then she can get up out of here and move with me to where I can get a job. I can understand her about not wanting to move to the states, because of her family and everything, but not moving to frankfurt or a city up north


Maybe she's looking to you to lead your family? Start looking for a job further north and quit waiting on her lead. Be the man of your house.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As I said before, this is about ambition. I shouldn't have used the word lazy. Because when people see that word they tend to get defensive and ignore everything else.

The opposite of ambitious is content. You sound content. She isn't. And she doesn't want you to be either.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am a linguist who lived in Germany for a very long time and taught German throughout graduate school. You should not expect yourself to have mastered the language as quickly as you seem to want to have done it. Neither should your wife.

Speaking to officials effectively requires a fluency that many non-native speakers take MANY years to acquire & you have absolutely every right to expect your wife to take the lead in this regard.

The German way of life essentially will mean that your wife, who is also a mother, will not be expected to work outside the home & she probably will feel no pressure whatsoever to up her hours. In fact, society will tell her that she shouldn't. You, however, will certainly be under pressure to work ft, which, as you report, is a real challenge if your German is rudimentary.

There are many job possibilities for people fluent in American English if you know where to look. Many major German companies have multilingual departments that have translation and localization needs & the English they look for is American, not British.

(Please pm me if you'd like more info.)


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## PosingOwl (Nov 2, 2012)

I am not happy living like this, i want more for my family. My wife is serious about not moving. She says that SHE has a nice little apartment,HER friends and HER family are here. But I dont understand I gave up friends and family to be with her and our oldest when she wanted to move to Germany. The least she can do is to move, at the maximum 200KM, away for me to get work. Its not like moving to another country or anything. Maybe it would be better if I just applied and if I got accepted then just tell her that we or I am moving.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your wife seems to feel that she has all the cards & sees no reason to compromise at all. Unfortunately, since you agreed to move to Germany for her, you are now at a serious disadvantage when it comes to your children if the two of you continue to have problems.

If I were you, I would definitely find a job that suits and empowers you, even if it is some distance away. This would be a first step toward reclaiming some control. There are also many, many spouses there who are in much the same boat, so you might be able to network. As long as you stay there, you will be afforded rights to your children - if you were to choose to leave, though, that would change.


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