# Future financial



## IrishEyes96 (Aug 24, 2014)

Hi,

I'm new here, first time posting. This is probably going to be a bit of a ramble so bear with me.

My husband & I are together 18 years & married 15, with 2 kids under 10. Up until 4 1/2 years ago I was by far the higher earner in our house, €200k v €50k, we had a very decent lifestyle nice cars, holidays etc. then I got sick, had to give up working & we lived off savings & his pay for 3 years. My husbands income had taken a bashing due to the economic situation but thankfully we had saved hard & had a decent nest egg to use .

I have always looked after our finances, we have joint accounts but he doesn't know what our bills are unless I tell him, he has access but doesn't bother.

During the time I was off work my husband and a friend came up with a business idea which if it worked would mean I could return to work on a part time basis without having to worry about money. We agreed that he could use some of our money to do this. But it was agreed that I'd be invoked in the finance side as that's my background and the friend has a history of being a little dodgy. This was a very clear understanding.

A job opportunity came up unexpectedly last year and he really encouraged me to take it, which I was a little surprised at as he had been the one telling me time & again that I wouldn't need to go back as his business would take off. Anyway I took the job just to see how I'd cope after being out of my sector for do long, the job isn't at the same level & I'm making 1/2 of what I used too but there are opportunities for advancement.

Shortly after I took the job it came to light that the new business won't be starting, our money was gone & the friend has screwed him over. He knew all of this before the job came up & never said anything. He then admitted that his own work was only going to generate about 20k a year.

This put me in a Total tailspin, thr business in particular as we had lots of discussions on how to deal with the financial side, to be told that he had signed blank cheques & given them to his friend almost made me vomit. That was my hard earned money being stolen.

He has never really apologised & thinks we should just move on, he has managed to find a job earning about 35k, so that's something.

So, where is all this going you might ask.

Well, my question is how do I deal with my anger, I feel so angry, not all the time but it bubbles to the surface every now & then. I'm angry that I'm back where I was before once again the main earner trying to make sure all thr bills get paid etc.

while on paper we earn good money, taxes are high in our country the top rate of tax is 52% & kicks in @ 33k, our mortgage is also high.

I'm angry that he hasn't taken responsibility for his mess, he thinks that it's all fine now, sure I'm back working & we don't need the other business anymore. 

Before I got sick, we thought I'd be earning a high salary until retirement & the plan was to send the kids to private school. I don't see that as a feasible option anymore but he keeps mentioning it to me & other people. I find it embarrassing when he talks to people about this, they know our changed circumstances.

He talks & acts like I'm just going to turn back into to very career driven person I was before & go back to the same level of earnings, I'm not, I'm not that person anymore. I couldn't go back there even if I wanted too as my health wouldn't allow it.

To add to all of this, I'm haunted by something he said about 8 years ago, this has stuck with me over the years it's " I never tried because I never had too", this was said in the context of his own job/career.

This phrase keeps going over in my head, I'm relooking at decisions made many years ago which I was totally on board with at the time , such as , leaving a decent job with prospects to follow his "dream" job. He is now back doing the job he left 13 years ago earning about the same. If he had stuck with the job even with only minor promotions he would be on at least double what he currently makes.

I keep thinking how different thinks would be if he had tried, he tells me his is going to really try and do more but i don't believe him .

I feel I'm the one with all the crappy choices, if I want to give the kids a decent life I will need to push myself in work or I decide that I can live with our lot.

I grew up poor & money is very important to me, I know that sounds shallow, but I need to feel secure & I don't. 

If I was earning at my old level I don't think I'd stay, I feel he has broken my trust, he hasn't changed his behaviours , still hasn't a clue about our finances or even how much he earns - it gets deposited into our account & he never checks .

I think I still love him but I need to get over the anger & sense of betrayal.

Any advise on how to deal with this.

If you are still awake, thank you for reading my insomniac ramblings


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

Hello IrishEyes96

Noting your user name, I am going go out on a limb and assume you live in Ireland – please correct me if I am wrong. I understand your question is “how do I deal with the anger”; but, if I could, I would like to ask some questions:

- what are yours and your husband’s occupation;

- what are your ages;

- what was the state of your marriage prior to the “business idea”;

- what is your husband’s personality;

- has he had a history of not always being forthright;

- how is your health today and does it affect your ability to work now and in the future (I assuming your husband does not health issues); 

- is the “dodgy” friend a member of any professional association; and 

- have you sought legal advice.

Regards 

Joe


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

I feel for you. 

The money is important, but this is really about trust. He knew but didn't tell you. F*ck. With no trust there is no true marriage. And once it is gone, you don't get it back : certainly not without major mea culpa from him. Which is lacking. So you are going to have to draw it to his attention in a way that he won't like: he quite evidently likes to take it easy when unpleasant realizations must be faced. 

Your kids are not going to private school unless he makes more money. So he must stop talking about it until he does that. Tell him that - tell him that you will contradict him in public if he starts to mention it - and if he seems reluctant or huffy - ask him what his solution is that doesn't involve you magically taking the problem away.

He has not apologized for lying to you by omission about something very important. How can you trust him not to do that again? He made the issue so he has to have a better answer than 'You can trust me' because you evidently can't. Hard to move beyond that one. 

No need to apologise for needing financial security - I was also in the poor branch of the family and understand, security comes first.

My deep sympathies. For you and also a few to spare for your boneheaded spouse. I would like however to know, what was this dodgy business idea?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand why you are so upset. Between the rip off business deal and your husband's blatant refusal to do the most he could financially, he has not been a good partner in your marriage.

On the question of how you get over your anger... have you considered counseling? That might help. 

I did a google search for "how to heal from anger and disappointment". Below is just one link I found. You might be able to find some good reading and books on the topic.


Healing Disappointments And ‘Conscious Acceptance’ – The Life Shaping Power of ‘How’ You Respond, 1 of 2 | Neuroscience and Relationships


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

Money is security. 
I come from a similar background, and I have always put securing my future over and above spending in my present. 

About anger. I suppose, there are three things I feel helped me when I felt some kind of anger towards my spouse. 

1. I felt it made me miserable and Did not help in anyway to improve my situation. I think anger will consume you and your marriage if you let it. I am trying to not be angry and always focus on the solution. Does not work most of the time, but I am glad I don't see red all the time. It poisons everything. 

2. Focus on the positives and the possibilities. I have always been a cynic. And discovered sometime back that I am driven by fear, insecurity and the worst-case. I am trying my best to think of a better future and hope we as a family can get there. I am trying to get there without worrying about NOT getting there. This gives me some hope and positivity which helps dissipate my anger. 

3. Vent in a controlled fashion  to friends, forums. Your fears echoed and reflected back by your friends may have re-assuring voices, that its not insurmountable. And its quite common for others to be in the same boat.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

I understand your anger. I turned to TAM to try to figure out how to get over my anger when my spouse completely mismanaged our finances and now we are facing a large debt to be paid before we can both retire. I was always the higher income earner too. He is a great nurturer, however, but is it enough?

I think you need to both get on the same page. He needs to take responsibility and an interest in the finances and not just leave it all to you. There may be some important dialogue on this. It took me almost 2 years to get over my anger (it would come and go) but once I could see we were both committed to fixing the problem things slowly got better. I've chronicled our journey so far on a Personal Finance blog I started six months ago.


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