# like wow!



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My husband is an armchair homebody. I have told him I want to get out with the kids more. He agrees, then 'talks me out of it' so we do nothing. He has no interest in going, so we don't go. That's MY fault and starting yesterday, I'm changing that.
I'm talking walks, bike rides, outdoor pool, festivals etc.
Twice in last week I asked to go to outdoor pool with kids. Excuse - excuse - didn't go! Well tomorrow he made plans to go with his friend while I have to work. All I told him is that I've been asking to go for 2 summers and he won't go - the moment I can't - off he goes.
I'm glad the kids are going, but why never with me? I broached it calmly with him explaining that it bugs me that WE never go.
I got screamed at, yelled at, told he effing sick of it. Pages and pages of texts swearing at me saying I'm a complainer.
Am I outrageous to be hurt about original topic? I'll deal with verbal abuse later - but would you be hurt if you never did things you enjoy together but he jumps otherwise? And ya, new resolution, plan without him and don't let him talk me in to waiting for another day because tomorrow never comes.
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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Life is too short to wait around. Go do it yourself. Its not healthy for the relationship but maybe this way he may notice that he has to be there with you and the kids.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

chiben said:


> Life is too short to wait around. Go do it yourself. Its not healthy for the relationship but maybe this way he may notice that he has to be there with you and the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And that's what I will do - for my boys. Thank you for your input.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

His reaction to your inquiry has me puzzled. Why blow up like that at you? :scratchhead:

To me, it sounds like there is a reason he doesn't want to do things with you...so he avoids it. He doesn't want to go out with you ....but why? Really think about your behavior towards him when you two are out....I'm not saying you are one thing or another, but could there be a reason that he's just not into doing things with you?

Him blowing up is typical of someone who feels nagged...and we all know that nagging is just a request of something you don't want to do. Instead of being grown and mature and communicate, we let that 'nag' fester until we POP! Your request/inquiry was not wrong, but his reaction was over the top, which makes me think y'all need to have a serious talk.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yup - do what you need to and want to - don't wait around for him! Learning this lesson myself!! 
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> His reaction to your inquiry has me puzzled. Why blow up like that at you? :scratchhead:
> 
> To me, it sounds like there is a reason he doesn't want to do things with you...so he avoids it. He doesn't want to go out with you ....but why? Really think about your behavior towards him when you two are out....I'm not saying you are one thing or another, but could there be a reason that he's just not into doing things with you?
> 
> Him blowing up is typical of someone who feels nagged...and we all know that nagging is just a request of something you don't want to do. Instead of being grown and mature and communicate, we let that 'nag' fester until we POP! Your request/inquiry was not wrong, but his reaction was over the top, which makes me think y'all need to have a serious talk.


I'm baffled too. I love movies. Last movie we saw, Cars2. He kept putting it off and when I offered to take boys alone - said he wanted to be there for first movie. It took 2 months to go.
He whines when I go with friends, but won't go with me. I don't think I do anything bad or embarrassing. He will complain I do nothing at home. BS, just doesn't acknowledge what I do (laundry, cooking, deep cleaning), but whines that I don't sit and visit with him. I mean HELLO, there is an adult available to child care so I can scrub floor or clean oven - leave me be and let me get to it!
Everything is dumb here, Christmas light display, festivals etc., but then claims nothing to do.
The irony, he's whiny and a nag.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't even nag. I suggested going twice in past week and shot down. I accepted that. When he told me he was going tomorrow, I said exactly, 'that really upsets me. I've asked you twice to go and you won't, and first chance I can't go, you're going' 
Nothing more - no talk about past disappointments etc.
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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

make plans and ask him if he would like to join you and the kids. Nothing more. All smiles, no nagging. His choice.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sounds like HE is the complainer not you...a bit of projection maybe???

I would just start having fun. Going places of interest and having a good time with your children. Just let him know what's happening but don't acutally invite him...you tried that and got shot down BUT if he wanted to join in I'd make him feel more than welcome and let him know how much his company was enjoyed and wanted.

Just have fun, be a fun person...how could he NOT want to join in.

All the best.

PS: DON'T forget to address the verbal abuse...that is NOT on and shouldn't be tolerated or accepted.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> I'm baffled too. I love movies. Last movie we saw, Cars2. He kept putting it off and when* I offered to take boys alone - said he wanted to be there for first movie.* It took 2 months to go.
> He whines when I go with friends, but won't go with me. I don't think I do anything bad or embarrassing. He will complain I do nothing at home. BS, just doesn't acknowledge what I do (laundry, cooking, deep cleaning), but whines that I don't sit and visit with him. I mean HELLO, there is an adult available to child care so I can scrub floor or clean oven - leave me be and let me get to it!
> Everything is dumb here, Christmas light display, festivals etc., but then claims nothing to do.
> The irony, he's whiny and a nag.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That right there... 
H: I want to be there for the first movie.
Y: Ok, then let's go.
H: I don't want to go now.
Y: That's fine. We'll be back in a couple hours. Bye.

And he either joins you, or he doesn't. Don't argue with him, don't nag. Nothing. Just do it. Have fun with the boys.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> That right there...
> H: I want to be there for the first movie.
> Y: Ok, then let's go.
> H: I don't want to go now.
> ...


Today is silent treatment. Oh well I will go about my life and my boy's life and screw him. He claims in his rants that he's trying to change and I keep bringing up the past. All I said was, 'remember how upset you were when I took the boys mini-golfing? Ok, now imagine that, plus the fact I've asked you twice in the past week to go, and you pick a time I can't go' 
I hope my boys have fun. It's just why is fun time when mom isn't here and it's plunk a$$ on chair and watch TV when she is?
Arghhh! Ok I'm whining now - carry on with my day.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Does he want you to see and visit with him? Can't cleaning wait a moment to sit a visit with him?

Will he talk or is he just pouting...


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Today is silent treatment. Oh well I will go about my life and my boy's life and screw him. He claims in his rants that he's trying to change and I keep bringing up the past. All I said was, 'remember how upset you were when I took the boys mini-golfing? Ok, now imagine that, plus the fact I've asked you twice in the past week to go, and you pick a time I can't go'
> I hope my boys have fun. It's just why is fun time when mom isn't here and it's plunk a$$ on chair and watch TV when she is?
> Arghhh! Ok I'm whining now - carry on with my day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From my experience, men hate when women say "remember when" because often times, they don't remember and it bothers them that they don't. 



Just let him face the consequences, don't remind him of them. 

Go golfing, to the beach, movies and have a great time...make sure you tell him how great of a time you had to when you get home and don't be mad at him for not going. Just let him see for himself what he is missing.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Does he want you to see and visit with him? Can't cleaning wait a moment to sit a visit with him?
> 
> Will he talk or is he just pouting...


I can't win on that one. Either I'm a pig and don't do anything or never sit with him. Tonight he's hammered and wants a divorce. BPD? I don't deserve this - I just wanted to do fun things with my family. I do more than my fair share of parenting and I bring home as much money as he does if not more. I am easy to get along with and have many long-term friends.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't nag or dictate. I'm generally easy going. We get in to it when I stick up for myself. He'll say I'm lazy and I'll say what I do and if he points out stuff of mine laying around, after constant nagging, I'll tell him he's not perfect. I don't jump right in and ignore a lot, but sometimes it's too much like - whoa buddy, you aren't perfect either. If I zipped my lips shut and never answered back, he'd still find something to jump on me for. Maybe it's just run it's course and is for the best. 10 days short of 6 years - screw it. Where's SQ? I need some bodka with her.
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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm glad you see the verbal abuse needs to be dealt with. Not cool.

Any chance he's mad at you and holding onto resentment? 

I wonder how this type of dialogue might go down.

Him: You're lazy
You: (calmly) I'm not lazy and I won't be spoken to that way. You need to figure out what's really bothering you because I want us to get on the same page again and I think there's more to this than just me leaving my t-shirt on the bathroom floor. I really hope we can work this out together.


Not that you do leave your t-shirt on the bathroom floor. Neither do I lol, it's just an example.

You wrote that he wants you to visit with him.....and mentioned you see him as someone to mind the boys while you get the cleaning done. I can't help but wonder/speculate if he's annoyed with that. Any chance he's mentioning what you aren't doing cleaning-wise, nagging you, as a form of aggression that he actually wants you to forget that and be with him instead? Does that make sense? Almost like a defiance of "If she's not going to spend time with me at home when I want and choose to clean, then she better make sure the place is spotless otherwise I'll hold it against her." 

When was the last time you both had a date without the kids?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm a homebody too... and it's not that I want to be, just for so long, especially in my former marriage when I was having to financially support another adult's outrageous spending choices, going out just felt like a huge sacrifice, usually for me it was financial (because it meant not being able to afford something else that I did or thought I may want instead). It is largely just indecision in regards to my own finances that keeps me tethered so close to the armchair. Then of course lethargy sets in and its even more difficult to get away.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> I'm a homebody too... and it's not that I want to be, just for so long, especially in my former marriage when I was having to financially support another adult's outrageous spending choices, going out just felt like a huge sacrifice, usually for me it was financial (because it meant not being able to afford something else that I did or thought I may want instead). It is largely just indecision in regards to my own finances that keeps me tethered so close to the armchair. Then of course lethargy sets in and its even more difficult to get away.


I do get the 'homebody' thing. I'm by no means a huge social butterfly. I mean stuff like the car show, a walk, bike ride - no necessarily anything that costs money. I mean interacting with our boys in a positive physical way.
And this homebody thing - only with me. Loves to golf and waterslide with others.
H gets probably 95 percent of my undivided attention. When I think hard - I realize our boys might even suffer from lack of attention when we're together.
Heartsbeating, I do like your approach to dialogue. I'll be fine either way - should he choose to work on this or should he choose to walk.
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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Heartsbeating, I do like your approach to dialogue. I'll be fine either way - should he choose to work on this or should he choose to walk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know you'll be fine.

Are there aspects of your relationship that you really enjoy? You long for family time together and that connection with him by the sounds of it. So, if that's the case, and as long as you make him aware to display his dissatisfaction in a more respectful way towards you, these things can often be worked through. 

If he's said he wants a divorce and he's inebriated, that needs to be dealt with as soon as he's sober. Obviously there's issues there and I do feel you need to communicate calmly that he needs to still treat you with respect.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

When does the verbal abuse start? When he has been drinking? If that is the case then you are looking at a totally different animal than someone that just doenst want to go do things.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Ansley said:


> When does the verbal abuse start? When he has been drinking? If that is the case then you are looking at a totally different animal than someone that just doenst want to go do things.


I honestly suspect he has many traits of BPD. 
Abandoned as a child (first by mom, then when she came back, kidnapped at age 6, so 'abandoned' by dad.
Black/white thinking. Everyone - everything (even) his job is perfect or just crap. Went from idolizing his dad to not giving a crap.
He's either stuck to me like glue (to the point he resents 3 hours once a month with me going for supper with friends) or telling me he's done with the marriage.
He verbally abuses me drunk or sober.
He's an alcoholic.
He has an alcohol, food and sometimes shopping addiction.
He goes on a rant every three months. He accuses me of not loving our boys like my older kids (I punish the little boys, not in the same way as I punish my older ones). I mean seriously - do you punish a 20 year old living on her own like a 4 year old? He always wants me to tell her what to do and gets mad at her when she doesn't listen. Or he gets mad at me for failing to make her listen.
There are so many effed up components of this marriage, part of me thinks he'd give me the greatest gift of all if he means it about leaving. I think he's just trying to make a stand. 
All he talks about now is how I never was on his side. Yes I did not let him bully my older children. When he made my daughter cry at age 16 because she didn't want to eat leftover rice for the 3rd day and made chicken fingers and fries for her and her brother and he screamed how she was effing disrespectful, yep, you bet I wasn't on his side.
He has other weird behavior. His dad promised him $10,000-$20,000 when he sold his house last year. After speaking to a financial adviser, he is not giving anything away. His call, his money. H can't stand it. He is trying to manipulate his dad. He has written two letters about 'broken' promises. He lies to his dad claiming money problems. Made up stories about being in counseling saying his counselor states he needs to get things off his chest (no counselor), therefore the letters. He wants me to tell his dad he is in the hospital because he 'collapsed' (healthy as a horse) and has lied to his dad that he is working a second job as he needs the money. He is obsessed about getting this promised money.
I bet in next 3 days he'll gloss over his anger and figure I learned my lesson and just carry on. Funny though - the seed has been planted and the idea of being away from his rants doesn't seem that bad.
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Golfergirl,
Ugh, I recognized some of what your H is doing, but in my own personal case, I did figure out eventually that there was a few things going on:
the passive aggressive part of saying "no" was more of when it's HIS idea to go do something it's a good idea. But anything I suggested --- it was a habit after awhile to just say no. "Didn't like being told what to do">

Secondly, the drinking. Sometimes it was a matter of the fact that he had " calls" in with a few friends... left messages about going for beers, and he was leaving his options OPEN... didn't want to comitt to anything in case the opportunity to go drink came up. Everything else was second to that. 

Thirdly, He was freakin' grouchy because he wanted to go have beers, and was trying not to, and didn't want to go out and be around people having fun. Because it was all about suffering. And there was no way in heck he was going to tell me that he jonsing to go drink instead of spending quality time. 

Which led directly into the "you don't visit with me" speeches, and alternated with the "the house isn't clean".

I did similar things. I went out and did my own thing. The second I left him "alone", he would be out with his friends, complaining that I ditched him and wanting to feel sorry for himself. Even though he turned down the offer to come with!!

I used to refer to it as speaking out of both sides of his face. Just.... never happy. Also heard the drunken "get out" speech once, and the next morning I started packing stuff. He was running around behind me, extremely upset and "didn't mean it". 

Don't know what's going on with your H... but sometimes people just don't WANT to be happy. Unless it's their idea, of course. It's one big pity party. And it's your fault, somehow. You are made to feel like you are boring, not exciting enough. 
Sometimes that is it what depression looks like, and sometimes that is what a drinking problem looks like. Of course, drinking while "depressed" is a huge factor in the jekyll hyde behavior. Ugh. 

It wears on you after awhile... but I do hope you get out and have fun. Good for you !! It's unusually hot here these days, the outdoor pool sounds really really nice! I have a kiddie pool for the dog, so I soaked my feet last night. Images came to mind about trailer parks. LOL!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

deejov said:


> Golfergirl,
> Ugh, I recognized some of what your H is doing, but in my own personal case, I did figure out eventually that there was a few things going on:
> the passive aggressive part of saying "no" was more of when it's HIS idea to go do something it's a good idea. But anything I suggested --- it was a habit after awhile to just say no. "Didn't like being told what to do">
> 
> ...


"relax" code word for "get hammered". How many times have I heard it? 
Me: let's go for a walk 
Him: I dunno, I just want to sit here and 'relax' 
But hey, I should be grateful, he doesn't drink at bars, he drinks only at home. Yay! (sarcasm)
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m smiling... same code word!

A few times I flat out said in defeat... "I cannot compete with the booze. I can't win. And I don't want to compete. I want to be first".

But getting drunk is always first. Have you tried Al-Anon? It helps to not take this so personally. 

B!tchy things I did when he was grouchy and I figured out it was because he want to drink....

Tossed a beer at him. Told him to get it over with and be civil.

Picked up his phone and went through the recent calls. Just called it out. "Seems you are looking for a beer pal tonight, so I'm going to go out and have fun. Bye".

He had 6 week cycles. Drinking would be NONE for a week, then it would slowly escalate to getting hammered 2 or 3 nights in a row. Then he would feel guilty and start all over again.

Like PMS !! I could mark it on the calendar. 

But I stopped pretending about it, and just called it what it was. 

A lot of the "shots" directed at me stopped dead when I did that. 
And frankly I refused to take it anymore either. 
I'd get up and say "I don't want to talk to you right now" and go do something else. complaints about cleaning were answered with "do it yourself then" and at times I refused to do any of it. 

It's freakin impossible to have a relationship with someone in that mode. Life got much easier when I realised that.
Zero expectations for a husband... cuz it's not even possible. 

My H took things to the point of getting himself a BJ in a bar, and herpes too. Thank god I wasn't sleeping with him. Now he has something to be miserable about!!!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

That is an extreme reaction to a pretty tame request. Is he stressed at work? I am the same way and far too often I find my wife and kids gone and Im at home and I say to myself "why didnt I just go with?" And upon further reflection I come up with the fact that they treat me like a dog at work.

Your an easy target. An outlet for his frustration. He needs to stop yesterday before you realize it's more fun without him.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

When youa re dealing with an alcoholic all bets are off. The moods, not participating, rants, verbal abuse.....then the sober up calm down. Maybe he is bi-polar as well. I dont know Im not a Dr. If he is activly drinking nothing will get better. I promise you that. Check out an alanon meeting. They have them everywhere. The people there will give you alot of insight into what is going on, and from there a good direction. Mosto f all you will get some hope. Good luck sweetie.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm going to go along with Deejov. This sounds like a pretty standard case of chemical depression. He won't do anything on his own but resents you when you offer suggestions. He wants to be left alone but he wants you to make sure that you know that he wants YOU to leave him alone, but to not go out with your own friends. 

On the other hand, it also sounds a lot like some elements of sheer misogyny. I know it's an old book and kind of Freudian, but I found Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward really insightful for the kind of behavior you're describing.


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