# Wife off to visit ex-boyfriend and wife (who are swingers!!)



## psychocandy

Must admit I'm not too comfortable with the idea...

Ex-boyfriend (not mind about that it was 20+ years ago) is married with kids, but him and his wife are into swinging.

They;ve invited my Mrs around for a chinese one night. WOuld have been both of us but I dont really know them, childminding is awkward etc.

I'm really not keen. I am paranoid and cant help thinking its lined for a threesome.

My Mrs says shes not interested, its just a social visit, and doesnt know what all the fuss is about. Caused a few arguments.

Am I being too uptight here? Maybe a bit unfair to cast all swingers as sexual predators....


----------



## snix11

whoa. if this is one of the 'couple of nights a month' club you might want to talk to her about that. I would be comfortable if we both went, but not if one of us went alone.

Get to know this couple. tell them you what you are concerned about.


----------



## TGolbus

I think there is a bigger issue...why is this causing argements? If you are unconfortable why would she still go? Is she hoping it will happen (and she is putting herself into the situtation)? Her going without you is a bad idea....
There are other items/issues that need to get on the table.


----------



## psychocandy

snix11 said:


> whoa. if this is one of the 'couple of nights a month' club you might want to talk to her about that. I would be comfortable if we both went, but not if one of us went alone.
> 
> Get to know this couple. tell them you what you are concerned about.


Nah. This is just a one-off around their house for a takeaway chinese meal...


----------



## psychocandy

TGolbus said:


> I think there is a bigger issue...why is this causing argements? If you are unconfortable why would she still go? Is she hoping it will happen (and she is putting herself into the situtation)? Her going without you is a bad idea....
> There are other items/issues that need to get on the table.


Causes arguments because I've told her I dont like the idea and she thinks I'm being silly/not trusting her/telling her what she can and cant do over something as innocent as a social visit....


----------



## okeydokie

i would be uncomfortable with the situation too. you must suspect something in her nature that might cause her to want to become involved with this, at the least i'm thinking she is curious to see what will happen. i cant see my wife putting herself in this situation or even hanging out with people who "swing", especially right in my face.


----------



## psychocandy

okeydokie said:


> i would be uncomfortable with the situation too. you must suspect something in her nature that might cause her to want to become involved with this, at the least i'm thinking she is curious to see what will happen. i cant see my wife putting herself in this situation or even hanging out with people who "swing", especially right in my face.


Well, what she says to me is that just because they choose to do this in their own time is up to them. Nothing to do with her and they're still friends who know she is not interested in this....

To be honest, shes given me no evidence to suggest she might be up to something...


----------



## humpty dumpty

well invite them to yours instead !! that way you get to check them out ,you have no need not to trust you wife but if it was you going to a ex girlfriends im sure she would feel a little different


----------



## GPR

Ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago? 

How long have you been married?

I am in no way into swinging and things like that, but I know people that are. They are not bad people, they are just into some different things. I don't agree with them, endorse them, and would never partake in it, but many people make swingers to be like some sexual predators that spend all their hours trying to rake in innocent victims and have nothing else going on in their lives. 

So, they are inviting her out for Chinese? Is this OUT or over to their place? And if I read your post right, they originally invited you also, correct? But you are not going?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her you are uncomfortable, but unless you have some other reason to not trust her, I would not forbid my wife to go.


----------



## psychocandy

GPR said:


> Ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago?
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> I am in no way into swinging and things like that, but I know people that are. They are not bad people, they are just into some different things. I don't agree with them, endorse them, and would never partake in it, but many people make swingers to be like some sexual predators that spend all their hours trying to rake in innocent victims and have nothing else going on in their lives.
> 
> So, they are inviting her out for Chinese? Is this OUT or over to their place? And if I read your post right, they originally invited you also, correct? But you are not going?
> 
> There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her you are uncomfortable, but unless you have some other reason to not trust her, I would not forbid my wife to go.


Over to their place I think. 

Well, invite is a bit vague. Not sure because I cant get sense out of my wife.

Thats it - forbidding her to go would go down like a lead balloon...


----------



## psychocandy

Been married nearly 13 years. Together 20 years almost.

To be honest, ex-boyf was a year or so before me as well.


----------



## psychocandy

humpty dumpty said:


> well invite them to yours instead !! that way you get to check them out ,you have no need not to trust you wife but if it was you going to a ex girlfriends im sure she would feel a little different


Good idea but wife would probably think I'm trying to control the situation....

To be honest, wifes having a bit of a tough time at the moment, and feels the need for a bit of 'me time'. I think this is one of her escape times and probably doesnt need me involved....


----------



## GPR

psychocandy said:


> Good idea but wife would probably think I'm trying to control the situation....
> 
> To be honest, wifes having a bit of a tough time at the moment, and feels the need for a bit of 'me time'. I think this is one of her escape times and probably doesnt need me involved....


But, not to make you even more confused, this would be something that would slightly worry me. 

But it comes down to this... Do you trust her? 

If so, like I said before, let her know what you are feeling, but don't tell her she can't do anything. Hopefully by doing this, in the right way, she will be considerate of you and will be honest about how things go, what happens, etc. etc. etc.


Also, I just noticed that you started the thread about your wife going out more often now. 

To me, it sounds like you wife is doing more things on her own and it's gotten you worried. 

It's perfectly fine to be worried, jealous, etc. etc. etc. She's your wife, you love her, that's what happens when you love someone, you get worried about anything that could endanger your love. And you can state your concerns to her (in a nice, compassionate way), but I wouldn't fight her on it. She might just be going through a stage in her life that she wants to have some more fun, and that's it, nothing negative towards you. 

Just keep communicating with her about it. Both your concerns ahead of time, and talk about it afterwards. Don't interrogate her, actually take some interest in it.


----------



## MsLady

Were you or were you not invited? It's not clear from your previous posts. If there's even a hint of an invitation for you, just go.


----------



## psychocandy

MsLady said:


> Were you or were you not invited? It's not clear from your previous posts. If there's even a hint of an invitation for you, just go.


Not sure because I havent spoken to them - I dont know them. Wife said that they had said YOU'll have to pop over some time, and she assumed it was an invite for both of us or just her.


----------



## psychocandy

GPR said:


> But, not to make you even more confused, this would be something that would slightly worry me.
> 
> But it comes down to this... Do you trust her?
> 
> If so, like I said before, let her know what you are feeling, but don't tell her she can't do anything. Hopefully by doing this, in the right way, she will be considerate of you and will be honest about how things go, what happens, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> 
> Also, I just noticed that you started the thread about your wife going out more often now.
> 
> To me, it sounds like you wife is doing more things on her own and it's gotten you worried.
> 
> It's perfectly fine to be worried, jealous, etc. etc. etc. She's your wife, you love her, that's what happens when you love someone, you get worried about anything that could endanger your love. And you can state your concerns to her (in a nice, compassionate way), but I wouldn't fight her on it. She might just be going through a stage in her life that she wants to have some more fun, and that's it, nothing negative towards you.
> 
> Just keep communicating with her about it. Both your concerns ahead of time, and talk about it afterwards. Don't interrogate her, actually take some interest in it.


GPR,

Thanks for a very sensible and informative post.:smthumbup:

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It just something I need to get used to a bit I think...


----------



## sarah.rslp

I think the actual circumstances is a pretty moot point. You either trust your wife or you don't. If someone is inclined to stray then they'll always find an oppurtunity. I


----------



## GPR

My wife and I went through some of the same things, just early on in life.

I met my wife when she was pregnant and very young. Her X (the father) to save the details, was a very bad guy in many ways...

Anyway, after our son (I say our son because I am his father now) was born and had started to get a little older, we would go out and have fun together, but she was not quite 21 at the time (I was 23) and we got married, and she got pregnant again virtually on our wedding night.

After we had been together a few years and both boys had gotten older... she had started to get a "party urge" so to speak. She had originally gotten pregnant right out of high school, then again when she was 20... now, with the kids older, she feels that she missed out on the party life like I had gotten while in college and things.

It was fine with me. I trusted her. I would be a freakin liar to say that it didn't worry the hell out of me some nights when you are home alone wondering what she is doing. Plus, I've got a hot wife. I WAY out-kicked my coverage here. Worrying is natural, but I trusted her. 

She didn't go really crazy or anything, just nights out with the girls now and then. Actually, at first I almost had to FORCE her to go out with her friends. Her X had been a super controlling A-Hole (amongst other things) and then with me, we would go out together a lot. So she felt weird even going out on her own. She felt guilty.

Of course, she got over it quick enough, and now doesn't hesitate to ask if she can go out, even if it's just for a little bit. Just last weekend, her and two girls went out to eat and she called and asked if I minded if they stayed and had a few drinks... fine with me. She was home early enough, and woke me up so that she could tell me all the gossip she heard while at the bar and the typical drama that goes on...

My wife would even tell me when guys would hit on her. Which really bothered me at first, I thought she was trying to make me jealous or something, but after we talked, she was actually trying to be honest and re-assure me. It was more about trying to show me that she would turn down other guys when I'm not there than trying to get a rise out of me. 


Anyways, that was a really long post. Sorry for the threadjack there.


----------



## psychocandy

GPR said:


> My wife and I went through some of the same things, just early on in life.
> 
> I met my wife when she was pregnant and very young. Her X (the father) to save the details, was a very bad guy in many ways...
> 
> Anyway, after our son (I say our son because I am his father now) was born and had started to get a little older, we would go out and have fun together, but she was not quite 21 at the time (I was 23) and we got married, and she got pregnant again virtually on our wedding night.
> 
> After we had been together a few years and both boys had gotten older... she had started to get a "party urge" so to speak. She had originally gotten pregnant right out of high school, then again when she was 20... now, with the kids older, she feels that she missed out on the party life like I had gotten while in college and things.
> 
> It was fine with me. I trusted her. I would be a freakin liar to say that it didn't worry the hell out of me some nights when you are home alone wondering what she is doing. Plus, I've got a hot wife. I WAY out-kicked my coverage here. Worrying is natural, but I trusted her.
> 
> She didn't go really crazy or anything, just nights out with the girls now and then. Actually, at first I almost had to FORCE her to go out with her friends. Her X had been a super controlling A-Hole (amongst other things) and then with me, we would go out together a lot. So she felt weird even going out on her own. She felt guilty.
> 
> Of course, she got over it quick enough, and now doesn't hesitate to ask if she can go out, even if it's just for a little bit. Just last weekend, her and two girls went out to eat and she called and asked if I minded if they stayed and had a few drinks... fine with me. She was home early enough, and woke me up so that she could tell me all the gossip she heard while at the bar and the typical drama that goes on...
> 
> My wife would even tell me when guys would hit on her. Which really bothered me at first, I thought she was trying to make me jealous or something, but after we talked, she was actually trying to be honest and re-assure me. It was more about trying to show me that she would turn down other guys when I'm not there than trying to get a rise out of me.
> 
> 
> Anyways, that was a really long post. Sorry for the threadjack there.


Similar to my wife. Son is now 5 so shes got a bit more freedom these days. Also, her dad died about 7 years ago and that hit her big time for a few years.

Like you, I worry about things a lot when she goes out. But I do trust her too. My wifes that same - very honest about things too.

I must admit though, half way through reading your post, I had a sinking feeling that the end was going to be "but it turns out she was seeing other fellas". Glad it didnt end like that !!!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## humpty dumpty

You need to show her you trust her !!
I know its not easy but your forgetting she chose you to marry not her ex !


----------



## psychocandy

humpty dumpty said:


> You need to show her you trust her !!
> I know its not easy but your forgetting she chose you to marry not her ex !


True. x


----------



## GAsoccerman

while my wife and I are not swingers, we ahve been to swinger clubs, we just checked them out and found it was not for us.

But the peiople we met and talked to were all great and no pressure.

No means no there and with in their "social group" they do not keep trying and they do not try and "convert" people.

either you are into it or you or not.

Or experience at the swinger club was great becuase it was a turn on for us both and we had a great time by ourselves. 

My wife was asked to join another couple, she politely turned them down, there was no problem.

I am sure your wife will be fine, you should join her just to get over what you are feeling. I bet she would love it.


----------



## psychocandy

Oh no. Latest is wife want to go away with her friends to Butlins for one of those theme weekends. I've heard about those things....

I suppose I cant stop her can I? Even though it bugs me...

And I'm off to Scotland with the boys for the rugby soon so I cant talk really, can I?


----------



## GAsoccerman

You should go with her, I would.

Otherwise you will have bigger issues down the line.

she is intrigued by their openess and freedom, doesn't mean she wants to swing, she is just curious.

Join her, so if she get's in the mood it's with you and you only.

trust me go and ahve a good time, you do not have to do anything you do not want to do.


----------



## psychocandy

these are different friends BTW. Not the swinger ones. This is just a bunch of girls (20 or so of them)


----------



## GAsoccerman

do you go away with your male friends at all?

I don't see this as a big deal, her going away with her girlfriends.


----------



## psychocandy

GAsoccerman said:


> do you go away with your male friends at all?
> 
> I don't see this as a big deal, her going away with her girlfriends.


Yes. I'm going away to Scotland with my friends in a few weeks to watch the rugby.

(the 'Scotland' trip is a famous trip here in Wales - watching Wales v Scotland play rugby in Edinburgh).


----------



## GAsoccerman

Psychocandy sounds like alot of fun and drinking, I am in!!! :smthumbup: 

Yea if you are going away with the guys, she can go away with the girls...


----------



## psychocandy

Yep. Rugby? Guess that aint so big in the States though, is it?

Its pretty much a religion here in Wales (we're more Rugby than soccer in Wales)


----------



## GAsoccerman

American football Evolved from Ruby, so Rubgy is not very popular here, there are small leagues in University.

But American football is king here.


----------



## psychocandy

Yeh. I like American Football too. Its not that popular here in the UK but we do get 2-3 live games a week on and all the playoffs.

I'm a Bucs supporter. Seen them live when I was on holiday in Florida (which is why I support them).


----------



## MsLady

What's the "theme" of the weekend thing she's going to? You seemed worried about it, hence I ask.


----------



## humpty dumpty

STOP !!!! 
Look ive been away for the weekend with my friends several times once to learn to pole dance !!lol a good laugh ive been to butlins on 8o's weekend look its totally fun a good way to let your hair down ,good to catch up with girly gossip and guess what !! not once did we look at men ! its not about chatting men up away from our partners its about having a good time to relax away from the day to day grind of being a wife and a mother chill out !! trust her and welcome her home with flowers and tell her how much you missed her.


----------



## psychocandy

Humpty,

Its a Butlins 80s weekend shes going on. Was it minehead you went to? LOL.

Theres about 20 of them going. A mixture of single and married girls.

She says shes going for a laugh and girlie weekend and I do believe her, but I have heard about these Butlins weekends.... 

But thanks for putting my mind at rest. Out of interest, did it bother your other half at all?


----------



## psychocandy

MsLady said:


> What's the "theme" of the weekend thing she's going to? You seemed worried about it, hence I ask.


80s weekend in Butlins...


----------



## humpty dumpty

It was butlins minehead we went to and we had a fab time ! we are going again in july. Did it worry my husband ? he trusts me  and we had a good time when i got back .What was good was that if either of us go away for the weekend the other always books the day of return off so we can talk and enjoy each other . Im sure she will have the best time but a even better time when she gets home


----------



## psychocandy

humpty dumpty said:


> It was butlins minehead we went to and we had a fab time ! we are going again in july. Did it worry my husband ? he trusts me  and we had a good time when i got back .What was good was that if either of us go away for the weekend the other always books the day of return off so we can talk and enjoy each other . Im sure she will have the best time but a even better time when she gets home



Glad to hear from someone normal who doesnt tell me its all constant shagging !!!! LOL.


----------



## humpty dumpty

didnt see any evidents of that when i was there!!


----------



## psychocandy

humpty dumpty said:


> didnt see any evidents of that when i was there!!


Really? Or is that a wink there ????


----------



## humpty dumpty

lol really honestly .i didnt see any evidents .To be honest it was mainly only women dancing singing and just having a laugh , you really have nothing to worry about.


----------



## psychocandy

humpty,

thanks once again. I'm convinced in my mind that its a complete shag-fest. Thanks for telling me that its what my wife says it is - a chance to have a laugh, dance, and sing....


----------



## psychocandy

Hi Humpty,

Glad I found this thread again - I'd forgotten about it. Shes off again now in Nov - worried again - see my other thread.


----------



## MEM2020

Situation like this there are only two plays for you. Either is fine. 
1. You attend. You find someone to watch the kids - this is important. You don't raise questions of trust you simply say I wish to come. 

2. You accept that she is going and pray. 

I would be fine with either 1/2 - I know my wife is actively not interested in cheating on me. 






psychocandy said:


> Must admit I'm not too comfortable with the idea...
> 
> Ex-boyfriend (not mind about that it was 20+ years ago) is married with kids, but him and his wife are into swinging.
> 
> They;ve invited my Mrs around for a chinese one night. WOuld have been both of us but I dont really know them, childminding is awkward etc.
> 
> I'm really not keen. I am paranoid and cant help thinking its lined for a threesome.
> 
> My Mrs says shes not interested, its just a social visit, and doesnt know what all the fuss is about. Caused a few arguments.
> 
> Am I being too uptight here? Maybe a bit unfair to cast all swingers as sexual predators....


----------



## CMC125

Candy,

Based on your wife vacation post.

Is there unfilled fantasy you have .


----------



## psychocandy

LOL. No mate....


----------

