# weekend off to a halt



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I had a real good past 3 days.

Now.

Alone weekend, until Sunday aftenoon. I will see them tomorrow at my child's game, but.

Have my list of activities and alternatives.

Now, the pain of doing all that stuff by myself is stinging.

And, some anger at my wife is bubbling up.

I am blaming her for not trying. For quitting. I look at all her friends, all married, and they're all still married. Some of them went through way larger trials than we. Yet, she's pulling the plug.

All I asked for was more time. To start dating again, before severing the bond. Nope.

And all of the ill effects of my children. Hers. I'd crawl across glass to make things right and I'm not being given a legit shot.

It makes me so mad.


So it goes.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm here to listen buddy. I too am off to a great start 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I'm all alone too....all the time.


(((Hugs)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

My heart breaks for you all, <Hugs> to you all....PM me if any of you want to talk


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I always want to talk....I resorted to scrubbing walls at my parents house. Yes, I'm that bored! I need constant distractions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

It is so hard at first... you are alone bumping into all the thoughts in your head (totally swiped that from a Missy Higgins song but it is soooo true). 

Trust me... I promise the day will come where you will cherish your alone time & have a more optimistic outlook. 

You will be able to remember the good times without an agonizing sense of loss & you will appreciate them for what they were at that time. 

You won't ruminate on what was or what could have been with your ex and in it's place you will look forward to what will be for YOU! 

Hang in there...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

LaxUF said:


> It is so hard at first... you are alone bumping into all the thoughts in your head (totally swiped that from a Missy Higgins song but it is soooo true).
> 
> Trust me... I promise the day will come where you will cherish your alone time & have a more optimistic outlook.
> 
> ...


 You've been through divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> You've been through divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LTR with my son's father (legal matters were the same minus a divorce) and another LTR with an ex-fiance that shattered me emotionally & financially for a very long time (far longer than necessary). 

The vows & promises of life long commitments were present in each relationship. A piece of paper does not add weight for measuring heartbreak & loss.

My wounds no longer bleed but the scars are present as a reminder that I survived.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

LaxUF said:


> LTR with my son's father (legal matters were the same minus a divorce) and another LTR with an ex-fiance that shattered me emotionally & financially for a very long time (far longer than necessary).
> 
> The vows & promises of life long commitments were present in each relationship. A piece of paper does not add weight for measuring heartbreak & loss.
> 
> My wounds no longer bleed but the scars are present as a reminder that I survived.


Agree....still the same as being married. I'm sorry. Thanks for sharing. I hope you are right the wounds will heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Agree....still the same as being married. I'm sorry. Thanks for sharing. I hope you are right the wounds will heal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry for what you are going through as well. 

They all heal... some are superficial and others run deep. Some take a little longer to heal than the others but eventually they all end up the same. You will get there too! 

Sorry to T/J your thread JB but hopefully it will resonate with you as well.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

I may get used to not having my wife around. I don't think I will ever cherish alone time when it means missing half of my kids' lives.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

njdad said:


> I may get used to not having my wife around. I don't think I will ever cherish alone time when it means missing half of my kids' lives.


Exactly.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Exactly.





njdad said:


> I may get used to not having my wife around. I don't think I will ever cherish alone time when it means missing half of my kids' lives.


Perspective my friends... you are in the thick of pain at the moment. In the beginning I thought I would absolutely die when my son was with his dad even for a weekend. 

Then one day I realized - "HEY, I can sleep in! I can walk around nekkid! I can go out with my friends! I don't have to cook dinner!" 

And yeah... my next thoughts were, "I am a terrible, selfish mother for even thinking that!" But I wasn't. 

I didn't love my son any less and I certainly didn't miss him any less when he was away. I began to appreciate the opportunity I had to do something for myself for even a few hours. I changed my perspective from negative to positive.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

We're here for you Jayb. This is my weekend w/out the kids too and I am also alone tonight. I went to the grocery just for something to do. 

Prior to that, I took loads of her things out to her new place for her. I feel like such a chump doing that for her but it allowed me to see my kids. When leaving after the last trip she was laying on the couch. She put her arms out for me to hug her. I did. As I was leaning over hugging her and then pulling away i put myself out there for a kiss. What an awful mistake. She laughed at me. I'm such a chump, what the hell was I thinking?

Jayb, we really have to let this go somehow. I don't know how. I don't know when these lonely nights will stop. I don't know when I will be happy to be alone on a Friday night, not sure I ever will. Why would we ever want to be sitting here and our kids be somewhere else? 

Hang in there man, sending you positive thoughts tonight!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> We're here for you Jayb. This is my weekend w/out the kids too and I am also alone tonight. I went to the grocery just for something to do.
> 
> Prior to that, I took loads of her things out to her new place for her. I feel like such a chump doing that for her but it allowed me to see my kids. When leaving after the last trip she was laying on the couch. She put her arms out for me to hug her. I did. As I was leaning over hugging her and then pulling away i put myself out there for a kiss. What an awful mistake. She laughed at me. I'm such a chump, what the hell was I thinking?
> 
> ...


Thanks man. I decided to stay in tonight. 

Yeah, my immediate thoughts are wanting to hang out with the children. Not my wife. Not as she is now, acting the way she is. Etc. 

If I had a group of men/women I could call at a moment's notice, it'd be different. But, I'm left to my own devices. By myself. And, while I've always been introverted, wanting alone time, now that it's forced on me, I hate it.

As much as I hate to say it, we won't feel this way if/when we have someone else. If not for close frienship at least.

Tomorrow I'll see the children in the am for teeball. Supposed to take my son to see the avengers. But, it may be up in the air, and I have to plan for that.

ugh


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

This kills me. I am so sorry any of us has to go thru this. We will all deal with whatever is required but it is too new for me. I still have the same life I did before my wife dropped the bomb. When the divorce is final I will be where you are. My mind is constently playing tricks on me but I just keep focusing on the kids. Do what ever is required for the kids. That is my montra right now.

I still think of being romantic with my wife too. Some of the things I have found, I think I can do that but I know she doesn't want me anymore.

Sorry, I started to hijack a bit. 

Just focus on a simple hobby. Clean the garage. Go for a bike ride. Bust out one of your favorite funny movies. Remember it is ok to laugh and cry.

Good luck and post as often as you need we are all here to support each other.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Exhibit A - I'm at home without the kid on a Friday night posting to you wahoos (affectionally named) on TAM. I can assure you I don't feel the least bit lonely, glad to have the peace & quiet and ZERO interest in going out tonight! Perspective...


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

LaxUF said:


> Exhibit A - I'm at home without the kid on a Friday night posting to you wahoos (affectionally named) on TAM. I can assure you I don't feel the least bit lonely, glad to have the peace & quiet and ZERO interest in going out tonight! Perspective...


I like it!


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm sorry Jayb that you don't have your kids this weekend. I know how hard it is. I have my son this weekend so I feel happy to be with him but the sadness and loneliness are still here. 

Having him with me is wonderful but he doesn't fill the void that my stbxwh left. It sucks!!!! I too haven't been given a chance and sometimes I just want to hit something(him) I'm so angry. But all day today I have been remembering what my IC said. It is not about me, I have no control over anyone but me and if he decided to come home tonight and leave the ow, what would be different? I still wouldn't feel safe and secure, I still wouldn' t trust him. I still wouldn't feel loved and valued. But that is not about me, it's about his brokeness. I am awsome and someday someone is going to know that and treat me like I deserve. That will also happen to you. You deserve it and I promise she is out there waiting for you. I know you made mistakes in your marriage, so did i but I also know that our mistakes did not justify her walking away from you nor him cheating on me. They made a choice. End of story!!!


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm right with you guys tonight. I actually went out after work instead of going home to the stbxw. Saw a few girls i would love to ask out..and soon i will. We all deserve better fellas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cantmove you're a fine lady. I know you miss and hate your husband at the same time. But one day you will meet a man who will make you wonder why you ever loved your ex in the first place. 

Many years from now I hope to find such a person, but there are some things I have to do for myself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Ha.. Good stuff Bandit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Bandit you still got that 2x4 handy.. I need it tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

coachman said:


> Bandit you still got that 2x4 handy.. I need it tonight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Attention/ALERT: Bat Signal (ok.. 2x4 signal) Sent to Bandit.45 (whoop, whoop)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

coachman said:


> Bandit you still got that 2x4 handy.. I need it tonight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, and I brought along my automatic as$kicking machine too. You just start it up and back into it.


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## endofstory (Apr 23, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I had a real good past 3 days.
> 
> Now.
> 
> ...


Hang in there, Jayb...You are not alone. Many of us know exactly how you feel. I know it's soooo hard, but try to look in to the future and take a good look inside yourself..Do you want to be with woman that does'nt want to be with you? You know this Jayb...You know deep down inside that this is the best for you in the long run....She gave up on your marriage, she gave up the life with you and the children together..You deserve better than this..One day I'm sure she will regret that. Her choice was not to be with you, NOT YOURS. YOU can look at your childrens eyes all the time knowing that you did not leave.

Yes, I look at many married couples. Family and friends... When I hear and see what trails they've been through and still are together..many of them are happy, some of them still struggles but they STAY TOGETHER.. I think, what?? My WS gave up beacause of this and that? When I see my married friends and family, I think THEY are the perfect example of God's design for marriage. There is at reason why we say " for better and for worse", " in sickness and in health " Those vows are meant to be followed. People today think marriage is something we can just walk out of when we feel it does'nt work out.. It's so sad, this is not what God meant when he created marriage. I know it hurts so badly Jayb, its sooo painful, I know you cant see any light in the future right now, but YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT you deserve better than this. 

My cousin who is 50 years old now. I remember she caught her fiance cheating on her just week before they were going to get married. She was devastated! She could'nt speak for weeks and it took her some years to get over this. Today she said, when she bump in to him, she hugs him and thank him.. I asked her why.. She said : If he did'nt do what he did, I would'nt have had what I have now, I have a great life and I would'nt have met the most wonderful man I'm married to now. But most of all I discovered who I really am and grown the way I have. I'm really happy. I sure I would'nt be this happy if I married him(the cheater) "

So, hang in there Jayb, dont give up hope for a better future


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

endofstory said:


> Hang in there, Jayb...You are not alone. Many of us know exactly how you feel. I know it's soooo hard, but try to look in to the future and take a good look inside yourself..Do you want to be with woman that does'nt want to be with you? You know this Jayb...You know deep down inside that this is the best for you in the long run....She gave up on your marriage, she gave up the life with you and the children together..You deserve better than this..One day I'm sure she will regret that. Her choice was not to be with you, NOT YOURS. YOU can look at your childrens eyes all the time knowing that you did not leave.
> 
> Yes, I look at many married couples. Family and friends... When I hear and see what trails they've been through and still are together..many of them are happy, some of them still struggles but they STAY TOGETHER.. I think, what?? My WS gave up beacause of this and that? When I see my married friends and family, I think THEY are the perfect example of God's design for marriage. There is at reason why we say " for better and for worse", " in sickness and in health " Those vows are meant to be followed. People today think marriage is something we can just walk out of when we feel it does'nt work out.. It's so sad, this is not what God meant when he created marriage. I know it hurts so badly Jayb, its sooo painful, I know you cant see any light in the future right now, but YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT you deserve better than this.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry, endofstory. With all due respect, I'm not at the point of realizing all of that. My heart aches and I am consumed with my wife. Which may have led us to where we are today. 

I should have acted differently. I should have been engaged. I should have shown her love that she understood so as to not look elsewhere or be convinced that I didn't love her. I should have been as determined than as I am now. I can't forgive myself for it.

And, I'm constantly reminded of it with the children we had together.

I am to blame for a lot that went wrong in the marriage. Maybe what I did is too much to forgive. Maybe my wife is more than justified at seeking her happiness because of me.

That is why I am not ready to consider someone else. Or to get over my soulmate whom I truly loved. 

I have heard those who have gone through this and found their true loves. First, I ask for how long. Has it lasted the length of the original relationship? If not, then get ready, because of the typical statistics. Secondly, I am not over my wife. No matter what she did or now is. I have difficulty accepting it.

All of that combined leads me to believe that I will never love again like I have. So, I must prepare for the single life, or work at getting my wife to love me again. I am not looking forward to the next Mrs. And, I'm not looking forward to my wife's future partner.

I want my wife.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I'm so sorry, endofstory. With all due respect, I'm not at the point of realizing all of that. My heart aches and I am consumed with my wife. Which may have led us to where we are today.
> 
> I should have acted differently. I should have been engaged. I should have shown her love that she understood so as to not look elsewhere or be convinced that I didn't love her. I should have been as determined than as I am now. I can't forgive myself for it.
> 
> ...


Well said! You should not date if you are not ready and still desire reconciliation. A third party complicates any chance of R. Dating prematurely is why second marriage don't typically work out. They only cause more pain. 

Forgiveness of my wrong doings have been much harder for myself. Read the prodigal son story from the bible. It really helped me with forgiveness. 

(((HUGS)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I want my wife.


I get it man. I get it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I'm so sorry, endofstory. With all due respect, I'm not at the point of realizing all of that. My heart aches and I am consumed with my wife. Which may have led us to where we are today.
> 
> I should have acted differently. I should have been engaged. I should have shown her love that she understood so as to not look elsewhere or be convinced that I didn't love her. I should have been as determined than as I am now. I can't forgive myself for it.
> 
> ...


You can't feel responsible for your wife's choices to end the marriage. Even if you weren't the best of husbands, she should have told you that and asked to go to marriage counseling or seek help for the problems.

Your life will get better, I'm not really at that point, but I know I'm better than I was, I'm finally baking again

I know it's hard on the weekends without kids, my ex has them every weekend, but since I have them all week I try to enjoy some alone time.

stay strong


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Jayb said:


> If I had a group of men/women I could call at a moment's notice, it'd be different.


IMHO, this is a real key thing to help you get past it. Reach out to everyone you know well - even though some of your friends might be far away, just chatting with them really helps.


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