# Falling back in love stories...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Right now I don't know if it's possible, so tell me, has anyone fallen out of love, yet fallen back in love? How did it happen? How can one fall back in love with someone after much resentment?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Friend of mine's story. IS still ongoing at the moment still. 

Him and his ex wife M was married a while. She felt empty after a while and although they had a few kids, she left for OM. SHe told him the ILYBNILWY speech and said she didnt' think she ever loved him. etc etc. 

She left, moved out of state. One day about a year or so later, she was on FB and saw him with the kids and she instantly felt the complete opposite. 

She moved back. Buddy was already married to another beautiful woman. Has a kid with her now. Ironicly a few months after she moved back... she was still around wanting my buddy back. She didn't pry into their marriage, none at all. She made "the call" , the apology call etc. Said she hopes he's happy etc. 

A short bit after that his current wife "had been fighting off and on" and she kicked him out. Knowing the Ex is back in town, he still fought for his marriage. 

Papers got filed and the D is happening. He's not back with his ex.. and they're completely in love again. 

"M", the ex wife has wanted to talk to me at the haunt, they said that EVERYTHING my stbxw is doing, is the SAME... EXACT.. SH.T she pulled just over a year ago. Now she's back. She left her man she was with in the other state because of how bad she felt for leaving the family. She said she was "content" and loved the man, but knew she wasn't where she was suppose to be.


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

It probably depends on the situation. People can change a lot, especially before they're 30. Perhaps if two people underwent a breakup, then udnerwent a lot of life-changing (or at least viewpoint changing) events, they may be in different places next time they meet. I think it's possible.

As per my own personal experiences, no. I always knew what I wanted in a man, and it more about realizing that guys fit or didn't fit that. For the two guys I dated before my husband, in both cases I realized they were either horribly wrong for me or just not what I wanted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for that



> One day about a year or so later, she was on FB and saw him with the kids and she instantly felt the complete opposite.


... so, it just happens? =/
Like randomly? :scratchhead:

It's strange, years ago before marriage my STBX and I broke up a few times, each time I knew I still loved her. This time, I know I don't...


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Hi RandomDude,

So sorry you are separating but I strongly believe love can change and love is a choice. 

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to love the person we found ". So try and love the person you found and married.


I believe love is a choice and it represents a commitment. Choose to show your spouse love, even if you don't feel like it. The feelings will come!

As someone said, "being “in love” and “love” are not the same things. True love is based on a choice, unconditional expression, and not simply on emotions. Being “In love” is based on emotions, how you feel, what you expect, what people do for you, sex, what people don’t do for you, looks, status, and euphoria.Being in love is not true love."

I found a good book about this, it's written from a Christian perspective but also very true: " Love and Respect : The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ", by Dr Emerson Eggerichs

I also would like to make my husband fall back in love with me, he is hurt and says that I lost my place in his heart....so I want to win him back and make my marriage work because he is a good man, I love him and we have 3 kids that deserve to have both of us and live in a happy family...
I have always thought that love is eternal and once you marry and have kids you work at your marriage and make it work...
We have been apart for 1 year now and we've seen each other only on skype...it's tough, he is coming for Christmas and I hope and pray for miracles ....

Try reading books, go to counselling toghether and don't give up because there is NO perfect relationship or perfect spouse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well I dunno, she was perfect for 2 years 5-7 years ago... well, almost perfect. I used to believe what you just mentioned but when I realised I've been doing nothing but trying to convince myself that I love her when I didn't... I don't know =/


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So do you want to fall back in love with her? Or are you hoping she falls back in love with you?

It can happen. I've had experience on both sides. I think people have to genuinely change and do a lot of self reflection for it to happen though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well I dunno, she was perfect for 2 years 5-7 years ago... well, almost perfect. I used to believe what you just mentioned but when I realised I've been doing nothing but trying to convince myself that I love her when I didn't... I don't know =/


Nobody is perfect though Random. Maybe you put her on a pedestal and it was in achievable for her. Maybe she felt too much pressure to live up to your expectations? I don't know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's what she said, still, she did a 180 for the worse 5 years ago with her fundamentalism, it was a painful process that damaged us to this day. When I first joined this forum, it was due to our inter-religious issues, and for two years I've examined everything trying to solve/understand our sex frequency issues, only to find out in the end after seperation that all this comes back to our inter-religious issues.

She already achieved living up to MORE than my expectations once, then she got brainwashed, and then we had problems, and then we kept fighting, spiraling further and further downhill slowly for 5 years -> and now we're at this point.

I don't know, I no longer recognise her anymore really. Still, I'm curious, and if I can fall back in love, and if she even does love me still, and if we somehow solve our bloody problems, then getting back together would be the best for our daughter. I just don't know how that's going to happen in 3-6 months time.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Are you still in contact? On friendly terms?
How about just taking it slow and going on a few dates to see how you feel?
Sometimes though, as hard as it is, maybe we really do just need to move on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes we are, and we are on co-operative terms. She's was acting out recently and seems to be having difficulty dealing with the loss and professes to still love me but I don't believe it, it means sh-t to me now and it is sh-t. Still, instead of going past the point of no return by stepping out on her I'm giving us this small little chance, if I don't feel sh-t by the end of it, then I'm moving on and pulling the plug on us, regardless of whether or not she changes or not.

Not in a position for dating her, at least not until the pain on both sides have subsided enough and we've had enough time for reflection

Still, I need some reassurance that I'm not wasting both our times with this... hence I'm hoping to read some "falling in love all over again" stories


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think you are doing the right thing. Just take it slow and see how it goes, that's all you can do I suppose. Again, it is possible to fall back in love with someone but only if there is still some there in the first place I suppose!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Again, it is possible to fall back in love with someone but only if there is still some there in the first place I suppose!


Does loving the woman she USED to be, not the woman she is now, count for much in this case?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Exactly a year ago, I was sitting here in my house all alone. She was done and saw no way to continue. This morning we made love. 

If one really wants it, the odds are much better. I really wanted to save the marriage and she was going through a faze...MLC. So I became a better me. It all comes down to attraction in the end.

Your additude in the last post does not sound like you are the example she needs to see to reconcile. Not very attractive to her or any others who would be looking for a lasting relationship.

"I'm giving us this small little chance..."

"then I'm moving on and pulling the plug on us"

Not exactly meat for a Falling back in love story.

IMHO


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hmm! Tough one! I suppose it doesn't really, because you love the thought of her, and the way she used to be, if she is no longer that person and you don't like the changes then I guess it doesn't count!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is me said:


> Exactly a year ago, I was sitting here in my house all alone. She was done and saw no way to continue. This morning we made love.
> 
> If one really wants it, the odds are much better. I really wanted to save the marriage and she was going through a faze...MLC. So I became a better me. It all comes down to attraction in the end.
> 
> ...


You're right, it isn't. Guess a part of me doesn't really want anything to do with her anymore, I was going to pull the plug already but she broke down, said she wants to do anything to save our marriage, decided to do IC, says she can't move on unless she truly feels there's no hope for us. So ok...

Though, for the first time in 7 years too, she now has competition as well. I'm not stepping out, but there is some serious temptation right now. Oh well, even if this doesnt work, I guess in time she'll realise there's no hope and she can move on content instead of me pulling the plug straight away which she doesn't seem to be able to handle.



daisygirl 41 said:


> Hmm! Tough one! I suppose it doesn't really, because you love the thought of her, and the way she used to be, if she is no longer that person and you don't like the changes then I guess it doesn't count!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


=/
Then we're pretty much fked


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

But deep down she must be the same person you fell in love with in the first place...

I felt the same, that I did not care anymore and that we were toxic, in our last year toghether we could not have 1 day without fighting...I was fed up and decided to leave.

Still, I now came to see more clearly and I started to remind myself of his qualities and his good parts. I know there is no perfect relationship and we better work on the one we have. So I decided to love him again for who he used to be and who he is, for all that was beautiful during our 13 years of marriage. Maybe I am an eternal optimistic but I want to believe in us toghether and I want to be happy toghether..

I guess is his turn now to do the same...
And then I'll come back and let you know if we managed to fall back in love...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Only 4 years of marriage for us, 7 year relationship, honeymoon for 2, spiralled downhill for 5. 

Please do tell if it happens, I find it curious
We did have some fun times over the 7 years, not just the 2, but they are rather painful to remember in the midst of all this

Strange, there is less pain remembering who she was 5 years ago, than remembering the good times we had during marriage for some weird reason


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I don’t know if my experience will help or not but I fell back in love with my wife and she with me several years ago. There were years of resentment built up over kids, work and the house. We had even talked about divorce.

One day when my parents were visiting, I noticed how they interacted. My dad made some comment that if anyone else had made would have been anything significant. But in the context of my parents it invoked anger in my mom. Then over the duration of their visit I noticed it again and again. Each statement made by either spouse was interpreted in the most negative way possible with an assumed context providing fuel for the anger which strengthened the resentment. It was obvious to me that this was an entirely dysfunctional disrespectful relationship. 

Upon reflection I realized that my wife and I did the same thing to a lesser extent. Many questions and comments were mapped back to our underlying disputes thereby fueling further resentment when most really had nothing to do with our disputes. This, I decided to change. I started to break the pattern by assuming the best motives for each statement and or question responding accordingly. I let my actions speak for me and after a while she noticed. It wasn’t immediate but it built up gradually (like trust) until she finally trusted that my motives were positive and questions legitimate and not meant as a personal jabs. When she was jabbing me, I would calmly explain the reason for asking/saying something to relate it back to the real motive and not the one she imagined.

As this was going on we had put aside time each weekend to have breakfast together on the fine china to go over the weeks activities. We started to communicate better. Our date nights went better as well and it was clear we were still attracted to each other. I fell in love with her again, with that great feeling that I had when we were first dating.

Anyway that is what worked for me and is my falling in love again story. Your mileage may vary. We still had/have issues but that dysfunctional interplay was a wedge driving us apart more than the issues themselves were. The rebuilt respect also enabled us to more adequately address those issues.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Most relationship failures are just a reflection of ourselves. We improve, they improve. You increase your sex ranking, they do.

If we pull the plug, throw in the towel, give up, it is a reflection on us and the odds your next relationship will fail goes way up. Its a fact.

Love is work and like any job, you can make it more enjoyable by what you put into it, rather than what you take from it or how you treat it.


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## VeryMuchInLove (Dec 6, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Right now I don't know if it's possible, so tell me, has anyone fallen out of love, yet fallen back in love? How did it happen? How can one fall back in love with someone after much resentment?


I met him when I was 15. I gave him my virginity not long after. He kissed other girls (including my then best friend) in front of me more than once. Heartbroken, we eventually broke up.

Fast forward twenty years. We are back together, married, and having a baby. Yes, it DOES happen!

Although, in fairness, I never stopped loving him. I was just hurt and angry. But I always knew in my heart how much I loved him and still do. I always will.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

meson said:


> I don’t know if my experience will help or not but I fell back in love with my wife and she with me several years ago. There were years of resentment built up over kids, work and the house. We had even talked about divorce.
> 
> One day when my parents were visiting, I noticed how they interacted. My dad made some comment that if anyone else had made would have been anything significant. But in the context of my parents it invoked anger in my mom. Then over the duration of their visit I noticed it again and again. Each statement made by either spouse was interpreted in the most negative way possible with an assumed context providing fuel for the anger which strengthened the resentment. It was obvious to me that this was an entirely dysfunctional disrespectful relationship.
> 
> ...


=/

So... it's possible. I can really relate my marriage to this, my STBX and I have some serious dysfunctional toxic mechanics. We're both doing counselling atm, but I made this thread because I questioned whether even if we do change, if I can really ever fall back in love, or if all this is in fact a big waste of time.

Thanks for this, guess it's not as impossible as I thought.



> If we pull the plug, throw in the towel, give up, it is a reflection on us and the odds your next relationship will fail goes way up. Its a fact.


Well, this is going to be my first and last marriage, and last relationship. If it doesn't work out, I'm planning to hollow myself out, let my heart sink, drive in the nails, feel the pain, tell myself repeatedly not to love or be loved, re-wiring in other words. I've done it before in my youth, but deep inside I had always hoped so it wasn't a good job at re-wiring. At least I can prevent all of this ever happening again, and to hell with another potential future ex-wife.



> Although, in fairness, I never stopped loving him. I was just hurt and angry. But I always knew in my heart how much I loved him and still do. I always will.


Well, right now I don't know whether if it would have been better if I still loved her, or where I am right now, having fallen out of love.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> So... it's possible. I can really relate my marriage to this, my STBX and I have some serious dysfunctional toxic mechanics. We're both doing counselling atm, but I made this thread because I questioned whether even if we do change, if I can really ever fall back in love, or if all this is in fact a big waste of time.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is possible! Not only that if you are successful in removing the krufty cloud of mistrust then it is probable. From your posts I don't see that either of you has significantly changed as a person so the biological and intellectual attraction will become be noticeable again. 

Another thing I failed to mention was that during that time for me I exercised and lost weight. That helped put my mind in a better place. When you are depressed old interests and loves are pushed out of your mind. When the depression leaves your mind returns to feeling again. This advice isn't only for betrayed spouses. 

Good Luck!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

apparently so. How many WS' do you see on here who are now telling us of their renewed and sudden love for their BS??? At some point the love they felt for their spouse wained or they would never have put them through the agony of betrayal. Then some point down the line they suddenly are in love with their BS more than ever.....?

So I suppose its possible. Ive read it enough on here and its what I hear at home from my WH. So maybe you didnt fall out of love with her, as my H says, you just started taking her for granted and you had an unattainable ideal of what marriage is??? IDK. Just a thought. Maybe she could never have lived up to what you expected??? I know I couldnt have lived up to what My H had come to believe he 'deserved'. Maybe if you reasses what love is then the answer could be "yes".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's hard to fall back in love with someone who was mean to you.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I think that the fact that you're spending so much time on TAM says something about how much you care for her. Love can come back if you both work at it!

My wife and I have been married 22 years and together 27. Like every marriage, we have had our ups and downs. It generally starts when we start taking each other for granted and put ourselves at the bottom on the priority list. Once we recognize what we have done we work hard to bring back those loving feelings. We done this several times in our marriage and have let 'life' get in the way.

There was a 5 year period where I was a very heavy drinker. Obviously, I wasn't the person she once married. I had no idea what damage I was causing. We talked about this the first time just the other night. She was seriously hurt during that 5 year period. The drinking started around 16 years ago and ended 11 years ago and we just started talking about this now. (We were separated many times during this period) I asked her how she felt about me back then. The answer was that she HATED me! I jokingly said, why didn't you just smother me with a pillow when I was passed out drunk. She laughed and we left it at that for now. She still needs to get those feeling out but slow and steady wins the race.

We've been working very hard on our relationship and I don't think either of us have ever been this much in love with one another! So, yes, it can happen, but it takes a lot of work and time for healing.

Best of luck to you both!

T


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Right now I don't know if it's possible, so tell me, has anyone fallen out of love, yet fallen back in love? How did it happen? How can one fall back in love with someone after much resentment?


Your feeling follow your thoughts. Think bad stuff about someone and you won't like them. Think good stuff about someone and you'll like them. What you think is your choice. Hopefully you can see the connection here because your feelings are also a choice.

In a nutshell, you fall back in love by choosing to think about the (however few) good things you can about your spouse and choose not to allow yourself to think about all the bad things.

Your choice dude, make the right one


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> apparently so. How many WS' do you see on here who are now telling us of their renewed and sudden love for their BS??? At some point the love they felt for their spouse wained or they would never have put them through the agony of betrayal. Then some point down the line they suddenly are in love with their BS more than ever.....?
> 
> So I suppose its possible. Ive read it enough on here and its what I hear at home from my WH. So maybe you didnt fall out of love with her, as my H says, you just started taking her for granted and you had an unattainable ideal of what marriage is??? IDK. Just a thought. Maybe she could never have lived up to what you expected??? I know I couldnt have lived up to what My H had come to believe he 'deserved'. Maybe if you reasses what love is then the answer could be "yes".


Let me clarify my point somewhat with an anology. Your brain is full of electrical impulses that are like voices. If you are in a room alone you can hear the voice of your spouse well. In a crowded noisy room you can still hear them, you pick up on the unique qualities of their voice. When you are at an outdoor concert you may not be able to hear them at all. Their voice is there but you can't hear it. This is what I think may be happening with RD. his mind is awash with so many feelings that they overwhelm the nugget of love that is still there. 

But as Mavish pointed out there is another scenario where you can't hear them at all because there voice is gone or it has switched to another but similar emotion, hate. I don't think his relationship has reached this extreme yet, I hope. And it it hasn't then he has hope that it can turn around and he can feel those feelings again. 

I have felt both and know the difference. I was engaged before my current relationship and was the betrayed fiancé and the feelings were so totally gone and replaced by hate, anger and desire for revenge etc. All feelings for her were gone replaced by complete indifference. 

With my wife it was more of we were kind of friends but there were no feelings of love and I am not even sure I liked her at that point. It would have been a stretch to say I love you but am not in love with you. It was from that point that I recovered. I was neutral but kind of friendly. 

It was after I fell back into love again that I really understood the difference. The infatuation typical descriptions is what I felt again. My heart literally raced and jumped when I came home from work and saw her again. 

Now this is the non- intuitive part. You don't need a lack of love to have an affair. Feelings develop for people irrespective of feelings for others. Oh it is much easier to develop feelings when there are none but it is not necessary. I suspect that is why many reconciliations of the sort you mention end up that way. I know it is the case for me.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Routine kills you. Falling back in love just requires reminding them of why they loved you in the first place. It's a big reason old flames burn brightest and why exes are a big danger to relationships.

Also can't fall back in love if somebody else is in the picture.  Stay away from the opposite sex. A big reason people fall out of love is if they begin to associate you with a lot of negative personality traits.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, this is bringing in alot of clarity as well as possibilities. Perhaps I'm not wasting my time after all by giving us a chance, hell if I do end up falling back in love, and if we both end up changing to become better people for ourselves and each other, it's going to go down in history as the time my wife saved our marriage by refusing to let me go.

Alright... she still texts me, says she misses me, think I'll take her out for dinner tonight, see how I feel. Going to be an experiment! Besides we need to catch up properly and talk straight without this or that drama, would be a good opportunity.



> A big reason people fall out of love is if they begin to associate you with a lot of negative personality traits.


... guilty =/


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