# Is this not the best site ever



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I am so, so glad that I found this site. Given the situation, it's so reassuring to see that others have walked in the shoes I am now wearing, and that they have taken so many positives out of, what I would describe, is a big mess of mental spaghetti.

It is now 10 days since D-day when my wife burst into tears and said she needed to tell me something. Although I'd had a suspicion, the news knocked me flat. She'd had a one night stand with a guy that I'd known years ago. It felt like the 10 years of marriage and 4 children meant nothing. I was devastated. Actually, no. I was destroyed!

I went home and was wanting to arrange to move back to my parents for a while, but knowing something was very wrong, the kids begged that I stay. Our oldest daugher (13) caught on pretty quickly and asked if I would at least stay the night and, when they were at school the next day, try and talk with their Mam. This I agreed.

I spent that night in a bed of my own, staring at the ceiling with feelings of hurt, anger, humiliation, rage, dissapointment, lonliness, depression and a desire for the whole thing not to be real. I hadn't eaten for most of the day, but I just wasn't hungry (and that's not like me at all!) My wife came into the room a couple of times in the middle of the night wanting to talk to me, but I had little to say and told her I'd speak the next day. I was thinking back, seeking all those little clues that should have tipped me off. The biggest one was that she hadn't slept soundly for weeks. She was always tossing and turning and jumping out of bed to do something or other. Clearly something was bothering her and some days I had to jump into one of the kids beds just to get some sleep. When I would ask her about it, she'd say that she's got loads on her mind (she has suffered depression for 8 years after the birth of our twins) so I took this as a cue back off.
I finally started to settle off to sleep as the sun began to rise and the birds kicked off singing.

At first she tried to blame me (which seems common) but very soon broke down and apologised, saying it was her fault and I didn't deserve that (no s**t). I made every effort to compose myself and we talked. And we talked and talked and talked. I realised that we'd probably talked more in that morning than we had over the last 5 years. She asked me not to move out. I gave her the condition that if she answers every question, regardless of how she thinks I may react, and proves no further contact with the OM then I would not make a decision there and then (I really wanted to go). I asked the questions and received the gory details. I felt everything from feeling sick, to blind fury. I didn't know how to deal with, but upon finding this site, the process has been so much smoother, and I want to thank you all for having this contributed and making your own accounts available to me. My wife sent a message to this guy telling him that she doesn't want any further contact for 'the biggest mistake in her life' and I was only to happy to press the send button. She then pulled out the sim card, ripped it, binned it and then snapped open the phone and binned that too. She has asked to take a phone out on my account so that I can access online all the numbers she calls and texts she sends.

As I said, it's now 10 days since D-day. Much has been said and even more emotions have surged through me. I have accepted that our previous relationship was dead. I am not accepting responsibility for what she did (and nor is she asking me to), but I do acknowledge my part in taking the whole married with kids for granted and not communicating or working at the relationship and therefore my part in a non-working marriage, as she too has accepted her responsibility. Our talking has opened up the truth that she was looking for an 'exit affair', but it came crashing down around her as she realised what she was doing and what was about to happen.

I make no guarantees for the future other than a promise that I will make a genuine effort to make it work - I sometimes feel that this makes me weak, but running away was the easiest option at the time. She has thrown away the clothes she wore when she saw him, she has burst into tears at work and asked to come home to be with me, she really seems to be making an effort towards the new relationship and her remorse seems genuine enough. Time will tell. How it will end, I do not know, but I really need to thank you all for your contributions to this site. If I had not found it, I'd be sat at my parents with nothing resolved and a head full of misery. I'm far from happy, but I'm not alone and that's what matters to me right now. 

Thank you all.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

While I'm very sorry for your situation, I'm glad you found this site. It sounds as though you and your wife are making tremendous progress. Wishing you and your family the best.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I would recommend that you go out and get the book "Surviving an Affair" because there are going to be some difficult days ahead as you move towards trying to rebuild your marriage. 

You need a plan. The book offers insight as to what went wrong on both ends that created an environment where an affair was possible. It will help you to understand the emotions that you and your wife are bound to go through during this process. But most importantly it gives you a PLAN that will help create a fulfilling marriage and allow you to rebuild from this. 

And no, it doesn't make you weak to fight for your marriage and family. Only the strongest are willing to do this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I don't recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' because it does nothing to help the betrayed spouse to emotionally heal from marital betrayal. The book puts more importance on saving the marriage than saving the betrayed spouse.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

morituri said:


> I don't recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' because it does nothing to help the betrayed spouse to emotionally heal from marital betrayal. The book puts more importance on saving the marriage than saving the betrayed spouse.


What do you mean by doing nothing for allowing the betrayed spouse to heal? For starters, healing the marriage requires that the betrayed spouse to heal. If there is a willingness to try to reconcile the marriage, it most cases there is an understanding of the difficult task at hand based on the betrayal. 

As a betrayed spouse myself, I understand oh too well the emotions. There is resentment, mistrust, doubt, etc. But what can be done by restoring the marriage via an organized plan is the betrayed spouse can, in time, overcome the resentment as time passes and as the marriage starts to make a rebound. Trust can be regained as long as the disloyal spouse agrees and adheres to extreme precautions to prevent contact with the affair partner and anyone else. Also, transparency is a must like email, facebook, cell phone passwords and such. 

What would you suggest a betrayed spouse do?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your wifes action are simular to what my cheating wife did, it has been really good for the last 15 months. It sound like she is on the same page.

I too have to give my 21 year old daughter credit for the letter she wrote me in helping me deside to stick around.

I'm glad I did my wife has gone above and behond what i could have ever expected in helping me heal. Lets face it is up to them to help us heal.

Count your blessing, there are a lot of folk that don't have thier DS as remorseful as ours.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> What do you mean by doing nothing for allowing the betrayed spouse to heal? For starters, healing the marriage requires that the betrayed spouse to heal. If there is a willingness to try to reconcile the marriage, it most cases there is an understanding of the difficult task at hand based on the betrayal.
> 
> As a betrayed spouse myself, I understand oh too well the emotions. There is resentment, mistrust, doubt, etc. *But what can be done by restoring the marriage via an organized plan is the betrayed spouse can, in time, overcome the resentment as time passes and as the marriage starts to make a rebound.* Trust can be regained as long as the disloyal spouse agrees and adheres to extreme precautions to prevent contact with the affair partner and anyone else. Also, transparency is a must like email, facebook, cell phone passwords and such.
> 
> What would you suggest a betrayed spouse do?


I'm a betrayed husband as well and since you did ask, I would recommend to other BS (LS) to read instead Dr James C Hobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough'. It delivers the goods by giving the BS (LS) the steps to maintain his dignity by essentially showing his cheating wife that he is not going to be waiting for her to come back. The betrayed husband should not tolerate any abuse from his cheating wife including any thoughts in her mind that he is a doormat and her consolation prize if her relationship with the OM implodes.

Dr Harley's 'Surviving An Affair' Jon and Sue story did nothing but show how much abuse Jon had to tolerate from his WW Sue - whom he found naked, having sex with the OM in their matrimonial bed - and how even after she got dumped by the OM for another woman when they started living together and facing the cruel facts of life, she still blamed Jon for her affair. Supposedly, Jon eventually got over it but no thanks to that poor excuse of woman's behavior, Sue. If it wasn't for Jon's daughters, he would have bolted from the marriage. It would be interesting to see if a follow up on Jon and Sue shows if the two are still together.

Furthermore I find it also interesting that the same man who tells BS (LS) to suck it up, Dr Willard Harley, has said publicly on his website that he would divorce his wife if she ever had an affair. Go figure:scratchhead:


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Hmmmm, I've read so many books but can't remember now if I read "Surviving an Affair". Doesn't sound familiar.

Our therapist recommend "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, PH.D. It was very helpful those first few weeks and also helped my H (he had an EA/PA) discover things about himself that had made him susceptible to an affair.

Now that's it's been several months from d-day for me, I was going to read it again. I remember it being comforting and helpful, but now that I've had some time I may benefit from reading it again.

It's always sad to see when another person has to join the Coping thread, but at least you're in good company. I think many of us would have even felt more lost without this site after discovery. Just knowing you're not alone helps.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Kind of sucks when you have no one you can talk to about this stuff. I tried not to get any family or friends involved since we were trying to reconcile from the beginning.

Just having people to talk to and share experiences with is very nice.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Thanks to all for the support, advice and kind words. The rollercoaster in my head is still there, but it has slowed down somewhat and my feelings change over a period of hours rather than minutes. I will be making a book purchase from Amazon and have a couple in mind to help me better understand what my head is doing :crazy:
Anyhow. Back to work I go. Many thanks for all your help folks


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

what books are you getting?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Kind of sucks when you have no one you can talk to about this stuff. I tried not to get any family or friends involved since we were trying to reconcile from the beginning.
> 
> Just having people to talk to and share experiences with is very nice.


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Good luck, man. Be on your toes though... wouldn't want to see you here again with the same problem.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

The books I'm looking at are: Not 'Just Friends' By Shirley Glass & After the Affair by Janis Spring.
Any thoughts?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not Just Friends is the only book I found really helpful to me of the 5 that I read in the first 4 days post DDay.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Not just friends was a good read. It is the only one I have read though.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

MC just gave me "How Can I Forgive You?"... will read this weekend and let y'all know.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

2 weeks past D-day and today I've been 'alright'. 

No bouts of anger or resentment and when the images did flash past, I kept it to myself, told my wife that I was popping to the shop for something or other just to get her our of my face at a vunerable moment, took a little walk and was 'alright' when I got back. 
She did wonder where the items I was supposed to have purchased were and was amused when I told her I'd forgot, so we went out together to get some things.

I don't feel brilliant. I don't feel great and I'm a long way from being ok. But today was 'alright'

This site is amazing therapy. Thanks to all.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

puzzleandrazzle said:


> One thing to keep in mind. I know everyone says to ask everything. But I have heard that you really shouldn't ask for details to protect your own mind, so maybe you should stop the next time your want yet another detail? There is no sense inflicting more trauma upon yourself and detail upon detail really just creates more images that can tear you apart.


I've already done the detail thing, got the answers, played the mind movie over, over and over so that now I'm a little more desensitized to it. I couldn't move without the answers - I was stuck, not knowing what to do. Each to their own, but I felt I had to know.
It bloody hurt though 

Its 3 weeks to the day since D-day, my moods shift over the course of a day rather than every few hours (which was once every few minutes) and although I have decided that I will try and work things through with my wife, and that I love her, I'm not desperate and will move on with or without her. I accept my faults in where it went wrong and I'm taking steps in correcting myself, it's up to her to prove her commitment to us. Whichever way it goes, I know I need to be a new guy and take a greater awareness of myself and my understanding of the true term of a relationship. It's up to my wife whether or not this new, better me is focusing his efforts on her.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

numb-bager 

I too am so glad I found this site as I have just found out about my husband affair and am feeling everything you wrote. I couldn't add anything different. We started MC last week. This whole process is so very painful.

I have read at least 4 books and 100's web pages and came across one book that is excellent, Transcending POST-INFIDELITY STRESS DISORDER by Dennis Ortman PhD This book deals mainly with the BS. I underline meaningful passages and demanded my husband read the book (& other articles I come across) because the book very clearly explains exactly what I am going through and can then be understood without him feeling and saying i am are over reacting. 

I too agreed to work on the marriage,as for me I feel at least I know I tried before walking away. Everyday since has brought some of the worst feeling I have ever felt as well as anger and rage that I pray I never feel again. Forget? How does one ever?

Sex? When or how? Did it ever accrue to him that the affair would take that away from me too? as i cant even begin to think of being sexual with him.

I walk the airports, supermarkets, the mall, etc and can not stop looking at everyone wondering if their husband is faithful or unfaithful as mine ? 

There is so much soul searching that hasn't even started yet, all I know is that I am a completely changed person and wonder what yet lies ahead. I don't even know how to treat my husband on a daily base. Am I normal with conversation? Do I stay upset? Do I laugh at his jokes? When we are together in the car do we sit in silence? I hate the journey he has put us on. 

Thanks all who listened .


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I wish you the best Sammy3. It is indeed a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute you may want to hug him, and then punch him in the mouth a second later. It is a very painful process that, for me - 3 weeks after d-day- slowly balances itself out into a more coherent process of thoughts and emotions and is not as random, unexpected and scary as it first was. 

I would ask that you NOT try to stay upset. Find something to laugh or smile about, try and do something that you enjoy or would find entertaining that could possibly alleviate the feeling of being upset, even if it's only by a little bit. Do you laught at his jokes? If they're funny yes, this in no way implies that you are letting him off the hook, even though you think you may be giving him that sign. Your H in all probability is trying to break the ice in his own way to open up conversation, which leads me into your next question, do you sit in silence? No. You talk. You talk and talk as much as you can. You ask questions, he asks questions. He answers, you answer. I don't know what your relationship was like before the A, but if communication is closed down I dont believe moving forward is possible.

I chuckled when you mentioned that you wonder whether other men are faithful or not. I do exactly the same thing with women. I ask myself, 'Would she have done that?' 'Would she hurt her husband?' 'Would she have betrayed her partner?' I don't know where it comes from, or whether other people do the same, but I wonder does it stem from some subconscious survival instinct that - should we not survive the attempt to stay together, or be hurt again by our partner - we are trying to find cues in people that give us hope for a potential mate in the future if we find ourselves alone. ? ! ? 

I have been reading, 'after the affair' by Janis Spring and am currently reading it to my wife. This book has allowed us to open up and communicate our feelings better. 

I really wish you well. You may hate the journey, but I believe you will become far stronger for it. I am.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

FMW, no, she told me pretty soon after the incident. She told him in front of me via sms that she wanted no further contact and has destroyed her old phone and sim card, taken a phone on my contract so that I can see every message or call made or received, deleted her FB account and is clinging to me like a limpet mine.
To be honest, she spits at his name with some venom when I ask her about it, but I personally think that this is a way for her to vent anger away from herself and what she's done. 

Also FMW, what's your story? I've read through your responses and know you've played the OM several times, yet you appear to be married yourself. Just curious


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's seems that your wife is doing the things that a remorseful wayward spouse should do to rebuild for broken trust and the marriage. I hope she keeps it up.

BTW you said that she had the ONS 10 years ago but still continued the EA with the OM? You said that she stated that she was looking for an exit affair, with whom? the same OM she had the ONS 10 years ago?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks N-B for your kind words of support. I finished the After the Affair the day of D-day. I have a running draft on my cell phone so when thoughts come in my mind,I can note them down, it seems to help put them somewhere. 

The recovery period we (BS) find ourselves in is beyond anything I never thought I would be in... I have not developed the coping skill yet needed, as again, I never thought I would need to. Some of life lesson I have been learning about I would rather do without. The forgiveness process and to actually try to say it to him, I haven't found the strength yet . We are at the point where we agreed not make any changes for 6 months. 

I think I hit rock bottom yesterday as we were trying to talk w each other calmly,but something my husband said just made me snap. I don't even recall what it was. Nor does he. The anger and rage were uncontrollable. The melt down just left us both completely beat up to say the least. The anger and rage are killing me. I pray for enlightenment, help, understanding, courage,empathy,wisdom, kindness, and equanimity. Coping skill I thought I owned, but this the road I have been put on is unbelievable! Not only do I have to suffer about the affair, I also "get" to learn lessons !!! Well, to be honest, I would rather have done without some of the lessons coming my way. 

I have been married 28 years & have 21 year old college son. I mentioned on another post my husband is an airline pilot.Since D-day, (3 weeks) we have seen each total of 8 days. When he is on a trip, I can let my hair down and relax . I am grateful for that. I get calm in my life. I worry now how my son will treat his marriage if he choose. We're (son) close as I really I am the one who raised him due to the nature of the job. I know my husband's (behavior)( situation) is a fall out from 9-11. Most don't realize that the airline industry lost app. 550,000 jobs worldwide right afterwards. The industry has been in a free fall since for many of the employees , as wages, conditions, contracts, lifestyle, marriage, death, and separation have taken their toll on a very difficult lifestyle. As my husband started to question where and what is was all about, I thought I was very supportive during his time of questioning . He tells me I did nothing wrong. It wasn't me< the marriage wasn't broken, he was fractured. 

He was on a trip w a F/A who had been trying to recover as her husband cheated on her. My husband told me about her. I didn't feel threaten at all. I didn't discouraged the friendship , but did warm him to be careful about the situation. Stupid me, when now I think back on the past 8 months I see all of the warning signs. Maybe they needed each other, I don't know, he told me he fell in love w her. Lust, the newest of it all. He didn't end it until he was caught.

So this is where I am in this nightmare, trying to recover for me as I don't know really what lies ahead, this all just helps. Thanks for reading.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

moritori, what does EA OM ONS mean? I am very new to all of this


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> It's seems that your wife is doing the things that a remorseful wayward spouse should do to rebuild for broken trust and the marriage. I hope she keeps it up.
> 
> BTW you said that she had the ONS 10 years ago but still continued the EA with the OM? You said that she stated that she was looking for an exit affair, with whom? the same OM she had the ONS 10 years ago?


No, I knew the guy 10 years ago. The fling happened a few weeks ago. She happened across him, he said words that made her feel special and thought it'd take her out of what was, I admit, an unhappy marriage. However the realisation came pretty swiftly after she spent the night with him and she broke down and told me.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Sammy3, don't worry too much about snapping. It's instinctive at first. And don't worry about not being able to forgive at this moment. I can't forgive my wife yet, but if we keep moving as we are, I'm sure that it will come in time. Don't try and force anything, you will naturally regain control in your own time. 
Take care.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> moritori, what does EA OM ONS mean? I am very new to all of this


EA = emotional affair
OM = other man
ONS = one night stand

I right with you (+33 days from DDay), struggling every hour of every day, wishing I didn't have to develop these 'coping skills' I never wanted to need to have, wondering how to be 'normal' in day-to-day activities, intimacy questions, finding it strange to be in the car in silence (usually with our young son, so 'talking it out' while driving is not appropriate) and certainly no fan of having the radio on!... it's all so difficult.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have to say one thing, this site and people reaching out, ex. N-B, 2xloser and others it is sure a relief as I don't feel so alone. My close girlfriends who know,as well as family members who know, it's almost like, "Enough is enough, move on now"... but with this site, we all know how it feels and can relate.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

2xloser said:


> and certainly no fan of having the radio on!... it's all so difficult.


You're bloody right mate. I never really noticed, but I haven't had the car radio on since D-Day  All I hear are my own thoughts as I merge from one feeling to another

:smthumbup:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If regular radio triggers you, perhaps you might want to try talk radio, news radio, or sports radio. Normal radio stations play too many love songs, and for many BSs, thats too many triggers.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Now why didn't I think of that? Sports Radio! Duh... of course. Even helps to further the manning up in a tiny way.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> I have to say one thing, this site and people reaching out, ex. N-B, 2xloser and others it is sure a relief as I don't feel so alone. My close girlfriends who know,as well as family members who know, it's almost like, "Enough is enough, move on now"... but with this site, we all know how it feels and can relate.



Completely agree, it helps enormously to relate to others who can relate to you and your situation and emotional roller coaster. We don't want to be part of the club, but we are. 

It's good you are talking to some others who know you as well. I have told *no one* of my wife's exploits, and won't until/unless I decide to leave, so as not to tarnish the relationships if we do reconcile. So this forum has been amazingly helpful to me.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> MC just gave me "How Can I Forgive You?"... will read this weekend and let y'all know.


I was reminded I'd get back about this book, which I did read...

Overall it had some helpful tidbits, but as a book I realized it was from the same author as After the Affair, and to me her point of view leans far too heavily on the LS finding out what THEY did wrong, and forgiving themselves for THEIR contribution and changing what THEY did to drive the cheater off. Which just shuts me down in the overall process. But I have to say I am biased and clearly not ready to say "I forgive you" to her, perhaps ever, because I don't. I may get over it someday and not obssess over it, but maybe I have a problem with defining forgiveness. Still learning.

That said, I did find some nuggets in there, and I do think the small section dedicated to the WS may be worth something, and I gave it to my wife to read that section.

There were some things like "10 Steps" that I couldn't see happening with me, but had already done a few, and could do a few more of them - but not all... is that good or bad, I don't know. 

Overall, not really recommended from me, but everyone's got their own viewpoints and could take more away than I did. Not a BAD book in any way, just not as helpful as I'd hoped it might be. The search continues...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I cant say enough about , TRANSCENDING POST -INFIDELITY STRESS DISORDER, Dennis ortolan PhD


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Numb-badger,

How's it going?Is this week better for you ?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

This week has been a little rough. My wife suffers from depression and has had a hard week of it mentally, so when I've tried to broach the subject it's ended with shouting and tears, but little in the way of self healing. This in turn has made me somewhat bitter so I end up using the snide comment daggers. And that only makes it worse.
Proberbly due to this, on Wednesday I developed a huge impulse to go round to the OM house and crack his face in, but sense has kept me in check (the kids need to see Daddy being strong). 

Today was a little better, it's exactly 4 weeks from D-day. I spent some time outside with my wife and we went for a walk, shopping etc, so that calmed me some. 
I don't know what it is, but this week I have had a terrible time sleeping - my mind is all over and I just can't get to sleep. I could perhaps understand that right after D-day, but 4 weeks later?!? Anyhoo, soldier on. And on.

How are things for you Sammy3? How are you coping? Has this week been easier for you?

And can anyone advise how I train myself not to keep hitting out with snide comments or throwing everything back in her face? I know a discussion about it will bring its own heat, but sometimes I do it without thinking and I know sometimes it's not justified, I'm using it as a weapon (which means I'm being a d**k and that's what I DON'T want to be!)

Regards
N-B


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> I don't know what it is, but this week I have had a terrible time sleeping - my mind is all over and I just can't get to sleep. I could perhaps understand that right after D-day, but 4 weeks later?!? Anyhoo, soldier on. And on.


You're only in the first month. This is a traumatic, life altering event and yes, 4 weeks is still very very early into this, especially when you live with this person.  Sure, everyone is different and recover at different rates, but the first month or two is simply hell. Have you tried going to the doctor to be prescribed some sleep aids or some other meds? Don't be one of those guys who think meds are for the weak.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Don't be one of those guys who think meds are for the weak.


I agree with this. It allows you to sleep and think. Helped me enormously. I only took drugs for a week but it really helped!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My days were horrible too. H home for a few ... the bickering,(will that ever stop) the anxiety, the unnecessary comments that we throw at each other. 24/7 the 800 pound gorilla is there. We start out talking calmly and end up in fights. He is still defending "HER".


After all day of arguing, we calmed down and we walked away to take a time out. I came back to him to him and 
I think it may be sinking into him that our marriage may not survive this even if we try. I told him I can not make promises, because I don't have any idea how this is going to work out. Inside of my heart, I know deep down I loved him. He been there for me for a long time. I know this. I know the kind of person he is, which I think makes this all the harder to understand. In my heart too, I feel so scared because even if I love him, I don't know if I can live with the 800 pound gorilla.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

In what way does he defend her, Sammy3?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Here's a few ways he defends her ~

He was trying to convince me, she was not the home wrecker I say she is, because "she understands exactly what you're going through, she just went through a horrible divorce herself!"

Another, "she was really concerned for you and felt that I (hubby)need to tell you of our affair, so that you had a chance to weigh your options.

And in a fit of anger when i called her a f'n *****, "you don't know Patty, she really isn't like that at all!"

And then today in an argument about him wondering how long he has to suffer and what about his feeling, of course I shout back, "You're feeling? This is about me right now, and I'm sure if you ask your f'n friend, she would be able to clue you in ALL about the jilted spouse!" His respond, "I would but you wont let me! " 

It was a bad day today...

~ sammy


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

_"I would but you won't let me!"_ .......?????? 

Seriously? O....M.....F.....G. I am so, so sorry for you. Cannot imagine hearing this and one or both of us not going through the roof!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

2xloser said:


> _
> 
> Seriously? O....M.....F.....G. I am so, so sorry for you. Cannot imagine hearing this and one or both of us not going through the roof!_


_

I think that was the point at which she decided to choose the OM and I decided to kick her out.. If you can handle it in the short term it may pass._


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ING,

So hind sight ?

~sammy


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

QUOTE=sammy3;343992]ING,

So hind sight ?

~sammy[/QUOTE]

That is a tough question sammy! 

I really didn't have a choice at the time. I just had to stop the pain. I couldn't even be in the same room with her without a major anxiety attack. I was a mess. The ONLY way I could handle it was to have her leave. The fact that she ran to another man hurt every minute or every day until I decided that I was going to end it.

After I decided that there were strange periods of complete euphoria mixed with the familiar pain.

If you can hold it together you are stronger than me. I wish you luck


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Best wishes Ing and Sammy3


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

hmmmmmmm , thanks


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

5 weeks since D-day and today I've woken up full of hell.
I'll try to keep myself busy today I think


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think I just walked past you.

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

oops, I thought you wrote "in hell". Maybe it was someone else from this forum!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

That too, lol


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## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

numb-badger you asked about how to stop the little snide comments and stuff that dont help. Well I use to be great at those but when the wife told me a few months ago that she wanted a divorce i took a good look at myself and realized i needed to change some things. The first thing I did was read all kinds of things. The thing that has helped me is before I say anything I wait a second and think things through. First few times I did this wife thought I was crazy but it helped. Instead of remarking out of anger off the top of my head I took that second to think and it was great. No more of the little snide remarks


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It's not 6 weeks past D-day, and I have stopped with the snide comments - to be honest, they were keeping me locked in anger. It was too easy to let loose and that helped keep the misery flowing.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

N-B, 

Your wise words are forever written in my journal.

~sammy


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If anything I have said has helped you in any way Sammy3, then I am genuinely pleased. As for wise words, if you spot any, let me know 

I really wish you the best moving forwards, Sammy. I know you're having a hard time at the moment and hope that you can find a peace within yourself. 
Today is 6 weeks on the button for me and I am strangely calm. After my wife signed the letter I wrote about my boundaries and expectations I know that, at least, she understands my perspective on the relationship and the future. And, for me, that's a decent start.

Best wishes

N-B


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

B329FA said:


> numb-badger you asked about how to stop the little snide comments and stuff that dont help. Well I use to be great at those but when the wife told me a few months ago that she wanted a divorce i took a good look at myself and realized i needed to change some things. The first thing I did was read all kinds of things. The thing that has helped me is before I say anything I wait a second and think things through. First few times I did this wife thought I was crazy but it helped. Instead of remarking out of anger off the top of my head I took that second to think and it was great. No more of the little snide remarks


My 6 y.o. son in his junior karate lessons is being taught "S.T.A.R." to help the kids in learning self-control:
- Stop
- Think
- Act
- Review

Man did that ever hit home --for my WW (she mentioned it), and for me as well...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

TRANSCENDING POST -INFIDELITY STRESS DISORDER, Dennis ortolan PhD Is on it's way to my house. Looking forward to a good read.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nothing beats being able to express your thoughts with ZERO consequences!

Unless of course you are caught... O.O


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reacion. It's just that some reactions are more equal than others


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

N-B,

I hope you find great comfort in the book "P.I.S.D". Let me know.

~sammy


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I finished P.I.S.D in one sitting and will be getting my wife to read through it this week.
Overall I thought it was a good book and explained well the spaghetti thoughts and emotions that take over your life at that time. 
For me, there were some strong religious / spiritual overtones, but this is not surprising given the authors background and they can easily be understood in psychological and meditative terms.
Definitely one for the DS to read too!

Thanks Sammy, a good recommend.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Pleased you enjoyed it. Yes, I agree about the slight religious overtone,(author) but the spiritual message of healing, I believe, will make us a better people. 

I would have never imagined the magnitude of damage infidelity can do to the psyche of another. Not only my heart, but my soul too was robbed , so the reading allowed me to feel the hurt as real, and justified, but explained that I am the one, that must apply the understanding to/for myself and no one else. The trauma is my life journey to travel and grow from.

~sammy


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## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

Numb-badger if people use this site correctly then it is an awesome sight. I have viewed a view threads where people where basically wanting to have people tell them that what they were feeling was right and when people didn't they seemed to go on the defensive. 

To me this has been a place to put my feeling out there instead of keeping them in. A place to see people who have been where I am now and what they did and how their situations turned out. 

I have taken a lot of things said in this site and used them to make a bad situation tolerable and hopefully tolerable. And have gained a lot of knowledge on little things people take for granted every day to help make my situation better for what I want out of life down the road


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I agree BFA. This is a site for TRUTH, and few of us are blameless - even us BS's. Some of the information can sting, some of it can really hurt, but it's in accepting it, looking within ourselves honestly and committing to change that makes the real difference. 
It bugs me when people jump on here wanting validation for their actions, receive some truths and run away in fear because it's not what they wanted to hear. 
Ah well, let them repeat the same mistakes in teir next relationship, wonder where it all went wrong then portray themselves in the victim role.
Humans eh. Can't live with 'em, can't learn without 'em.


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