# I made a huge mistake and really need advice



## Kgs-95

This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.

This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.

A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.

The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.

I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.

I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


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## Sfort

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


Maybe you should charge the guy with rape. Then you will learn what happened. Unless you really know.

This does not end well. The problem is not alcohol and drugs. The problem is you chose to drink alcohol and take drugs. No pass for you.

Tell your husband soon, and tell him you will honor his decision. If I were him, our marriage would officially terminate immediately.


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## Casual Observer

*Whatever else you do, immediately get tested for STDs, have no sex with your husband until results come back, and geez, yeah, you have to tell him, he has a right to know while you’re both still young and can go off in separate directions and heal from the damage. *


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## Megaforce

Just tell him the entire truth. Then apologize and let the chips fall where they may. Not the best odds of surviving but it does happen.
Never drink again. Get tested for STDs. Do not have sex with your husband until the various incubation periods have passed. Get retested in 6 month intervals for a while. Might be months before you can safely have relations, in the event he ever wants to resume.
If you really were blackout drunk, vs some of the false claims of this we see, perhaps he can get passed this.
You need to reveal the guy's identity and be willing to press sexual assault charges to be credible.


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## Openminded

Keeping your marriage together will obviously depend on what your husband decides to do. Don’t make an even bigger fool of yourself by begging and pleading if he decides he can’t stay with you. Actions have consequences after all. Reconciliation is a very difficult road and he may not want to try. Even if he does try, he may discover at some point he just can’t continue. At best it takes years to rebuild a marriage and triggers sometimes continue for decades. Hopefully, alcohol and drugs are now out of your life regardless of what he decides to do.


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## Tested_by_stress

The other guy is lying. He knows exactly what happened. I agree with others , an STD test is an must.You are in a terrible spot and may have to come to terms with this being the end of your marriage"If the marriage does survive ,it will take some time to repair. Regardless of what happens, you should really consider abstaining from alcohol and drugs going forward.


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## gaius

Openminded said:


> Reconciliation is a very difficult road and he may not want to try. Even if he does try, he may discover at some point he just can’t continue. At best it takes years to rebuild a marriage and triggers sometimes continue for decades.


Boy that sounds like a fun way to live a life.

My advice, if you really want to keep your marriage together, don't tell him. Because all you're really doing is compounding one selfish act with another. Putting him in an unwinnable situation so he can absolve you of your guilt. And that story that you blacked out and can't remember anything, telling him that would be treating him like he's an idiot on top of cheating on him. Thinking he's going to believe that.

Find a way to choke down that guilt and shame like it's a bad piece of fruitcake and from now on be the best wife you can for him. And if you're a big enough slob to let random men bed you while you're drinking then stop drinking when he's not around.


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## Tested_by_stress

gaius said:


> Boy that sounds like a fun way to live a life.
> 
> My advice, if you really want to keep your marriage together, don't tell him. Because all you're really doing is compounding one selfish act with another. Putting him in an unwinnable situation so he can absolve you of your guilt. And that story that you blacked out and can't remember anything, telling him that would be treating him like he's an idiot on top of cheating on him. Thinking he's going to believe that.
> 
> Find a way to choke down that guilt and shame like it's a bad piece of fruitcake and from now on be the best wife you can for him. And if you're a big enough slob to let random men bed you while you're drinking then stop drinking when he's not around.


Not telling him (and hoping he never finds out) will only work if nobody else knows. That's obviously not the case. There is at least one more who knows about it. But yeah, it's gonna be a hard story for him to buy.


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## gameopoly5

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


This falls under the crime of, drink or drug-facilitated rape.
But because you have not gone to the police and reported this and this happened weeks ago, you`re going to have a difficult task proving you were raped including placing your husband at risk of STDs.
Sorry, but regardless it`s not going to be easy for you to convince your husband that you did not cheat on him and this isn`t just another cheating wife story.
As regards the risk of STDs, HIV and aids, it is your duty to inform your husband and if your story is true, than go to the police and make a report.
Otherwise as I said, this is going to be construed as just another cheating wife story.


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## BIL310

Sfort said:


> Maybe you should charge the guy with rape. Then you will learn what happened. Unless you really know.
> 
> This does not end well. The problem is not alcohol and drugs. The problem is you chose to drink alcohol and take drugs. No pass for you.
> 
> Tell your husband soon, and tell him you will honor his decision. If I were him, our marriage would officially terminate immediately.


Talk about an over reaction. My advice is to forget about it, don’t tell your husband and move on.


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## Wolfman1968

Kgs-95 said:


> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.


Just to clarify a few points:

1. When you say "some of us went back to the house that we had rented", do you mean that you (and your friends) invited men from the bar to go back to your rental?

2. I'm a little unclear about this rental and your "going back to catch up with family and friends". Usually when people go back home, they stay with family. Was this a "girls' trip"? I say that because you refer to the house that WE had rented, which suggests that this was more of a planned reunion trip with other people. Your husband was supposed to go with you, but did not go at the last second, which suggests you were in a housing situation in which you were supposed to be with your husband. 

3. Was the guy next to you in the bed a stranger that you just picked up from the bar, or was he a friend that you reconnected with at the bar, or was he supposed to be someone sharing the "house that we rented", or what? Are you likely to see him again? Do you have any past or present connection with the guy?


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## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


If the facts of what you presented are true, you were raped. 
There is no reason to protect the person that raped you, because he acted with intent. You probably ingested something unknowingly, like a date-rape drug.
You need to tell your husband and then file a police report in your hometown. There may be cameras in the bar and they may be able to pick up on what happened. 
It probably will devastate your husband, but once all facts are known, I can't see him not supporting you.


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## Jimi007

Do you know what drugs you took ?

Did the guy say he doesn't remember if you had sex or not ?

Are you sure you actually had sex with this guy ?

We're you both naked when you woke up ?


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## QuestionAssumptions

BIL310 said:


> Talk about an over reaction. My advice is to forget about it, don’t tell your husband and move on.


There are many ways he could find out -- if she contracted and STD (Has she been tested? Some can't be cured.), if one of her friends mentions it, if the guy ever mentions it (he may be far more malicious than she thinks), if they've told others who might mention it, if the wife gets intoxicated again or overcome with guilt and tells on herself, etc. and if that happens, things will be far worse for her.


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## gameopoly5

QuestionAssumptions said:


> There are many ways he could find out -- if she contracted and STD (Has she been tested? Some can't be cured.), if one of her friends mentions it, if the guy ever mentions it (he may be far more malicious than she thinks), if they've told others who might mention it, if the wife gets intoxicated again or overcome with guilt and tells on herself, etc. and if that happens, things will be far worse for her.


Exactly.
The OP is boxed in a corner and one way or another it`s only a matter of time before her husband finds out, it`s a ticking bomb waiting to explode.
By staying quite she`s only holding off the inevitable.
Better the husband be told by the OP than from a third party.


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## Jamieboy

If you truly believe you would have not done this conscious, you were raped. Only you know the truth of this. Were you flirting etc in the run up? Did you willing take the drugs and did you know what it was before taking it? 

Telling your husband you were raped, as opposed to I slept with someone on a drink a drug fueled night out will play very differently with him. 

Based on the answers to the above, is if I would advise telling him. Telling him to absolve your guilt is not a noble thing to do, unless you're fully prepared to accept that what you did is most likely going to lead to the end of the marriage. You are robbing him of his agency by not telling him, but you will be putting him through the worst pain of his life if you do.

This is what it boils down to if rape was not what happened


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## Young at Heart

I think that some great questions have been asked and some good advice.

Yes, you messed up and now you need to figure out what to do. I feel so sorry for your husband. He really did nothing to deserve this.

One alternative is to not tell your husband and take it to your grave. This probably would require you to live with a lot of guilt for the rest of your life. It would also probably require you to live in fear for the rest of your life, because you told two friend seeking advice and because people in that "house that was rented" may also know and talk. Furthermore, if you H discovers he has an STD, he will know he had to get it from you. Finally, there will be a paper-trail, the STD test results could accidentally be mailed to your home and your husband could see them or he might see you medical record test results on your medical insurance form or you medical MyChart webpage. If you don't tell him pay cash for the STD tests and have them sent to a safe location or arrange to pick them up. Considering the need to include social security number or other positive identification, it might be difficult to get the testing done and to learn the results. It can be done, but it might be difficult.

The "take it to your grave" option will put you under a lot of fear/stress, guilt, and could unravel at anytime. But it is an option. If you take this option go to a Catholic Priest and confess to them and seek God's forgiveness, that could at least help with the guilt and some fear. 

Now the other option is to tell your husband. Of course you know your husband better than anyone; so you have an idea of what he might do. He will do one of three things. 

The first is he will immediately leave or kick you out and start the process to divorce you. 

The second is that he may need some distance to figure out if he is capable of forgiving you or if you are worth trying to stay married to. That will probably entail at least a year of emotional hell and walking on egg shells. If you do marriage counseling it might seem like less time. 

The third option is he might want revenge. That could take many forms from cheating and never respecting you again, humiliating you in public, especially in front of friends and family or abusing you in some other form either emotionally or physically. I hope that wouldn't happen, but it could and you should leave if it does.

*If you tell him, what happens next is really out of your control and you basically have to put yourself at his mercy, agree to any demands he makes, and accept your fate he determines.* Of course if it is too bad, you can always divorce your H. If you don't tell him he might never learn about it or he might learn about it at a critical time in your life, like after you have children or at a point where you are emotionally in need of his support. 

I don't envy you. You did know you did something really wrong and now you are going to have to live with the consequences one way or another.

I wish you luck. However, I wish your poor husband even more luck in coming out of this with minimal damage.

P.S. Just one question. When you woke up at the house, were you naked, were you almost naked, was the guy in bed with you mostly naked, did you feel like you had had sex? Those are all ugly questions, ones you should be ready to honestly tell your husband. 

You also need to think about your motivation in continuing to drink at different locations during the night and why in the world you would have taken any kind of drug. The answer to those questions are things your husband should know, if he wants to.


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## Diana7

Tested_by_stress said:


> Not telling him (and hoping he never finds out) will only work if nobody else knows. That's obviously not the case. There is at least one more who knows about it. But yeah, it's gonna be a hard story for him to buy.


Plus not telling means potentially exposing him to STDs.
Plus it sounds like he already knows something is wrong. Many of us just can't hide such deception.


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## Diana7

There is no easy way. Just sit him down when you are alone with him and tell him. Please don't try and blame the OM or imply he somehow took advantage, take full responsibility and tell him everything. The drink, the drugs, waking up next to this man etc. 
You could offer to move out for a while to give him space but play it by ear. 
Also tell him you will get tested for STDs. 

Do you have children?


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## ShatteredKat

Do you know the person you woke up that was laying with you? Clothes on/off? 
I suggest you write up the timeline - only a spur of the moment thing so won't be long.
File a police report - get "his" name in writing. Police will likely inwardly laugh as you got passed out on alcohol and ??
And whatever happened was in a house you (and who else?) rented. Very unlikely anything will be done by the police other than take the report. 

How many people know of "that night" and consider lies have a thousand legs. Best to tell hubby and be prepared for an explosion of any kind. Answer every question he asked straight forward. Be blunt and record your conversation and play it back later so you can volunteer information not conveyed and/or add info to the answers already provided.

Do you have a history of imbibing? Have you done anything like this before anytime in life?

You played with a firecracker and now it is going to blow up in your face.

Wishing you luck -


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## She'sStillGotIt

gameopoly5 said:


> _*This falls under the crime of, drink or drug-facilitated rape.
> But because you have not gone to the police and reported this and this happened weeks ago, you`re going to have a difficult task proving you were raped including placing your husband at risk of STDs.
> Sorry, but regardless it`s not going to be easy for you to convince your husband that you did not cheat on him and this isn`t just another cheating wife story.
> As regards the risk of STDs, HIV and aids, it is your duty to inform your husband and if your story is true, than go to the police and make a report.*_
> *Otherwise as I said, this is going to be construed as just another cheating wife story.*


Unreal.

This *IS* another "cheating wife story!"

Why are you trying to turn the OP into some kind of 'victim' who was abused by some predator while she was innocently sitting in a corner reading her Bible? She PUT herself in this position - she *admitted* that SHE was drinking and that SHE "took something." So she was drinking _and_ taking some kind of drug - how the hell do YOU know that she wasn't acting cognizant and coming off as completely awake and aware and gave consent to this man? I've heard many people act this way when they're under the influence of something, yet cannot remember a thing that happened the next day. 

She's completely ADMITTED that this is on her, so why are you trying to pin a rape charge on some guy when the OP doesn't even know what the hell happened? Just because she can't remember what happened doesn't automatically make the guy a rapist. *You* weren't there and you have NO idea what transpired either, but hanging a rape charge on some guy just because a woman was too drunk and drugged up and can't remember what happened is an absolutely disgusting thing to do to any man.

OP, I hope you're not foolishly even CONSIDERING this nonsense "advice." If indeed your memory comes back and it DOES turn out that you tried to fight him off and/or he forced himself on you against your will or when you were unconscious, then of course - by all means go sign a complaint. But don't charge a man for rape when you have absolutely NO CLUE about what happened because you were too drunk and drugged up to remember. That's an egregious thing to do to a person. You honestly don't seem the type to do that, though.

You screwed up and you're admitting it. I give you a lot of credit for your honesty.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## DamianDamian

All you people saying she shouldn't tell her husband - personally I think you're the worst kind of scum. Cheating and not telling is a far worse crime than being honest, people like you have no marriage and no closeness. 

The people saying this is rape are sexist and stupid. She'd know if it was rape. The guy was probably just as wasted as her.


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## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.


From your description, this guy raped you. You were in no condition to give informed consent. The "friends" who you used drugs ( legal or not? ) with are maybe complicit. Were they present when you blacked out? Was this guy present with these "friends".



Kgs-95 said:


> I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends.


So you know who the guy is.

Here is my advice. File charges of rape against him. Write out your story into the police report. Then, tell your husband exactly what happened in every detail. Ask his support in having this guy put away. Or you can tell your husband exactly what happened and ask him to go with you to the police to file charges.

Name all of the names ( witnesses ). They are not your friends. Friends don't let other friends be raped. Detail everything. Write it down while you recall and keep a copy. It may not hurt to retain an attorney to help, although the DA should help. 

Very sorry this happened to you. You experienced trauma and will experience more.


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## Rus47

Sfort said:


> Tell your husband soon, and tell him you will honor his decision. If I were him, our marriage would officially terminate immediately.


She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


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## Jamieboy

DamianDamian said:


> All you people saying she shouldn't tell her husband - personally I think you're the worst kind of scum. Cheating and not telling is a far worse crime than being honest, people like you have no marriage and no closeness.
> 
> The people saying this is rape are sexist and stupid. She'd know if it was rape. The guy was probably just as wasted as her.


Ah, so by your logic, if I'm wasted and I have sex with a wasted woman without her consent, it's not rape. Good to know for the future


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## BeyondRepair007

Posts like this are sad.

The sad truth is that this type of thing (meaning a “rape” scenario) does happen.

Unfortunately OP put herself in this position so yes, I’m blaming the victim. A drunk gets behind the wheel and drives off a bridge, it’s the drunks fault.

Maybe she was raped, maybe not. Maybe she gave consent and the guy thought it was genuine. Maybe she was a willing participant and even enticed him into it. How do we know?

On the flip side it may be an open/shut rape case.

I would suggest going to the authorities claiming rape and let the authorities investigate.

As far as your husband… do it now. Right now. Tell him everything, take the blame for being stupid and being in that situation in the first place. Rape or not, your marriage is at risk of ending over this terrible judgment.

But there’s no shortcut or way to make this easier… you have to come clean and take the consequences. Hopefully, your husband will support you through this and you can reconcile. You sound genuinely remorseful to me.


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## Rus47

gameopoly5 said:


> *his falls under the crime of, drink or **drug-facilitated rape.*
> But because you have not gone to the police and reported this and this happened weeks ago, you`re going to have a difficult task proving you were raped including placing your husband at risk of STDs.


I don't think there is a statute of limitations on rape. There are several high profile men who are in prison today for rape committed decades ago. She needs to go to the police, file charges ASAP. There a bunch of witnesses and the perp as well. And yes of course an STD panel.

To do otherwise facilitates a predator and his friends to continue without consequences.


----------



## lmucamac

You need to tell hubby immediately. He already knows somethings off. He will eventually find out. Better to sit down and tell him exactly what happened giving him complete details (it’s already been pointed out that many details have been left out of the story). 

After you tell him the balls in his court. Keep in mind he will need time to process this, and may want some space to do this. He may want you to go to report it to the police. He may want you to go to rehab. He may want to go to counseling. Be prepared to deal with whatever his reaction is and do whatever it takes to save your marriage.


----------



## gameopoly5

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Unreal.
> 
> This *IS* another "cheating wife story!"
> 
> Why are you trying to turn the OP into some kind of 'victim' who was abused by some predator while she was innocently sitting in a corner reading her Bible? She PUT herself in this position - she *admitted* that SHE was drinking and that SHE "took something." So she was drinking _and_ taking some kind of drug - how the hell do YOU know that she wasn't acting cognizant and coming off as completely awake and aware and gave consent to this man? I've heard many people act this way when they're under the influence of something, yet cannot remember a thing that happened the next day.
> 
> She's completely ADMITTED that this is on her, so why are you trying to pin a rape charge on some guy when the OP doesn't even know what the hell happened? Just because she can't remember what happened doesn't automatically make the guy a rapist. *You* weren't there and you have NO idea what transpired either, but hanging a rape charge on some guy just because a woman was too drunk and drugged up and can't remember what happened is an absolutely disgusting thing to do to any man.
> 
> OP, I hope you're not foolishly even CONSIDERING this nonsense "advice." If indeed your memory comes back and it DOES turn out that you tried to fight him off and/or he forced himself on you against your will or when you were unconscious, then of course - by all means go sign a complaint. But don't charge a man for rape when you have absolutely NO CLUE about what happened because you were too drunk and drugged up to remember. That's an egregious thing to do to a person. You honestly don't seem the type to do that, though.
> 
> You screwed up and you're admitting it. I give you a lot of credit for your honesty.
> 
> Good luck to you whatever you decide.


If a woman is high on drugs or drunk to a point whereas she is not in full control of her senses and a guy takes advantage of her condition, than even if the woman consents to sex, under the law the man is still considered a rapist.
I believe every person has some responsibility for their own safety and not to leave themselves or place themselves in vulnerable situations, but the law is the law.
I suggest you read my posts again and what I have said is, if the OP believes or suspects she was taken advantage of sexually because she was under the influence of drugs or drink than she should tell her husband and report the matter to the police otherwise her husband will believe she has cheated especially if he discovers this from a third party.
I have no idea whether she was too drunk to know what she was doing or cheated, I wasn`t there, but it appears some have already given the cheated verdict.
Sorry, there are no other ways I can explain this except that I hope the OP wasn`t raped because that`s a terrible thing to happen for any woman.


----------



## Trdd

Very sorry this happened. If you choose to tell your husband, buy Linda McDonald's book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair. It will give you a lot of insight into the process you will need to go through if he decides to try to reconcile. A ONS is more likely to be reconcilable than a longer term affair but there are no guarantees.

Is the other guy married or single? Either way, you should be tested for STDs, immediately.

The way you told us the story, your husband is going to want to go after the other guy. It sounds like you were potentially taken advantage of by how you described it and he might want to go to the police, so be ready for that. If the guy was drunk and you were drunk and on drugs then it may not be rape. It's a grey area if both parties were heavily under the influence. If he was not really drunk and you were out of it, he could be charged with rape because of your condition. The police know how to investigate this but it isn't cut and dried, as some are claiming. 

You know this already but your boundaries are poor and the drinking and drug use is obviously a significant problem. Yes, even if it was just one night. And apparently none of your friends were looking after you that night. Drunk, on drugs, guys you barely know in the house and they leave you alone in that condition?


----------



## Sfort

Rus47 said:


> She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


Like the rest of us, you’re making assumptions based on incomplete and biased information. Full stop.


----------



## SunCMars

gaius said:


> Boy that sounds like a fun way to live a life.
> 
> My advice, if you really want to keep your marriage together, don't tell him. Because all you're really doing is compounding one selfish act with another. Putting him in an unwinnable situation so he can absolve you of your guilt. And that story that you blacked out and can't remember anything, telling him that would be treating him like he's an idiot on top of cheating on him. Thinking he's going to believe that.
> 
> Find a way to choke down that guilt and shame like it's a bad piece of fruitcake and from now on be the best wife you can for him. And if you're a big enough slob to let random men bed you while you're drinking then stop drinking when he's not around.


I agree.

You were not you, you were the Zombie.

The other's did not know, Posom claims not knowing.

Only you know, but cannot remember. It was not a good time or bad time you had, remembering gives one of those.

Pray before your Maker, and sin no more.

Silence and denial is your only hope.


----------



## Sfort

Trdd said:


> The way you told us the story, your husband is going to want to go after the other guy.


So if she doesn’t tell her husband, she’s protecting OM. That’s an interesting thought.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

UAArchangel said:


> If the facts of what you presented are true, you were raped.
> There is no reason to protect the person that raped you, because he acted with intent. You probably ingested something unknowingly, like a date-rape drug.
> You need to tell your husband and then file a police report in your hometown. There may be cameras in the bar and they may be able to pick up on what happened.
> It probably will devastate your husband, but once all facts are known, I can't see him not supporting you.


She said she willingly took the pill. Rape? That’s a big leap. Because she doesn’t remember doesn’t mean she didn’t appear fully lucid and willing when it happened. There’s no court anywhere that is going to prosecute someone with rape with zero evidence and zero memory.


----------



## UAArchangel

Sfort said:


> So if she doesn’t tell her husband, she’s protecting OM. That’s an interesting thought.


All Heaven should come down on the OM, if her story is accurate. Raping a woman, possibly drugging her in the process would be a first degree offense. His only out is if he wasn't aware that she was married and he did nothing to incapacitate her.


----------



## UAArchangel

Teacherwifemom said:


> She said she willingly took the pill. Rape? That’s a big leap. Because she doesn’t remember doesn’t mean she didn’t appear fully lucid and willing when it happened. There’s no court anywhere that is going to prosecute someone with rape with zero evidence and zero memory. And they shouldn’t.


She said they took something, implying they took the same drug. If it caused her blackout, maybe he passed out as well.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

UAArchangel said:


> All Heaven should come down on the OM, if her story is accurate. Raping a woman, possibly drugging her in the process would be a first degree offense. His only out is if he wasn't aware that she was married and he did nothing to incapacitate her.


She said she willingly took the pill/drug.


----------



## Sfort

The only one she has to convince it was rape is her husband. Because of her wreckless drug and alcohol abuse, he probably won’t buy it. Still, that’s his choice. I hope they don’t have kids.


----------



## SunCMars

If you claim this denial, clear it first with those whom you first confided in.
Tell them, after reflection, nothing happened. 

Don't tell @Evinrude58 I wrote this.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

SunCMars said:


> If you claim this denial, clear it first with those whom you first confided in.
> Tell them, after reflection, nothing happened.
> 
> Don't tell @Evinrude58 I wrote this.


What… there is no spoon? (Matrix)
Come on SunC.


----------



## Evinrude58

Rus47 said:


> She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


I respectfully disagree.


----------



## *Deidre*

I agree with the others here, you need to share what happened with your husband, in the same exact way you shared it, here. He needs to decide after that, if he wants to stay with you, OP.

If you were blacked out and can’t remember what happened, that is what you tell your husband. Personally, I’d make it a priority to find out what happened to you that night, after you blacked out. If you were raped, that guy should be held accountable. In the meantime, get STD tested etc…

Not sure what your husband will say but he deserves the truth of what happened that night.

Whenever I read/hear stories about married people - when the other spouse isn’t around for a weekend or whatever, and they act completely out of control - drunk, doing drugs, etc…it sounds like the marriage has issues. To do things you wouldn’t have done if your husband was there (getting drunk, doing drugs and going back to someone’s house), when you’re on your own for a night says that there are some things you probably need to work on within yourself and your marriage.


----------



## SunCMars

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What… there is no spoon?
> Come on SunC.


I have it in me to forgive another's sin.

Those who are without sin may cast the first stone.

I admit, I could be way off base here. It would not be the first time!


----------



## BeyondRepair007

SunCMars said:


> I have it in me to forgive another's sin.
> 
> Those who are without sin may cast the first stone.
> 
> I admit, I could be way off base here. It would not be the first time!


Forgiving another’s sin requires a sin to forgive. Denying it is not wise, the future would be perilous.

For the record, I agree. Forgiving others is both divine and healthy. Deception is neither of those.


----------



## blackclover3

@Kgs-95 
I don't care how you downplay it - there is no way you completely don't know what happened

1- it was your choice to drink and possibly take drugs
2- it was your choice to move from a bar to a house with guys and girls - WTF do you think guys and girls do after bar and after drinking? 
3- it was your choice to get wasted with strangers or single guys without your husband.
4- you had deep down that you wanted to flirt and possibly cheat and drinks possibly made it easier 

if you have a little just a little respect, guilt and shame then you should tell your husband immediately. if everything you said is true then report the guy to the police.


----------



## SunCMars

Rus47 said:


> She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


Her husband may kill this guy.
Someone inside our clan would, must.

She would then be guilty of two sins, the last one with deadly cosequences.

Truth should be used to straighten out injustice, not to bloody, snowball more.


----------



## Gabriel

Hoping this isn't a drive by post, and you come back to answer some questions.

My take, if you are being honest here, you were raped. Sounds like you took the drug voluntarily, but you blacked out and someone took advantage of the situation.

I hope you took a Plan B - that would be my first worry. Second, I would tell your H exactly what happened, that you lost control with alcohol/drugs, blacked out, and woke up in the morning with rape evidence. 

The challenge you face is whether your H will believe you. You will be more convincing in that regard if you take it very seriously.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

Gabriel said:


> blacked out and someone took advantage of the situation


This could be a point of misunderstanding for any of us.

”Blacked out” meaning passed out?
Or
”Blackout” meaning awake, functioning, partying, but having no memory.

The way OP describes it, I assume the latter.

If it’s the former then hands down it was rape.


----------



## Mr. Rocksteady89

gameopoly5 said:


> If a woman is high on drugs or drunk to a point whereas she is not in full control of her senses and a guy takes advantage of her condition, than even if the woman consents to sex, under the law the man is still considered a rapist.
> I believe every person has some responsibility for their own safety and not to leave themselves or place themselves in vulnerable situations, but the law is the law.
> I suggest you read my posts again and what I have said is, if the OP believes or suspects she was taken advantage of sexually because she was under the influence of drugs or drink than she should tell her husband and report the matter to the police otherwise her husband will believe she has cheated especially if he discovers this from a third party.
> I have no idea whether she was too drunk to know what she was doing or cheated, I wasn`t there, but it appears some have already given the cheated verdict.
> Sorry, there are no other ways I can explain this except that I hope the OP wasn`t raped because that`s a terrible thing to happen for any woman.


It's a sad situation for her to be in. The problem that she will have is that she can't literally answer a single question regarding the circumstances of the act. All she would be able to say at the police station is that both parties were intoxicated, and she knows that she had sex. She can't say whether or not she tried to stop it, said no, or was there force involved. It's not against the law to have sex while intoxicated. It is against the law to force sex on an intoxicated person, BUT you still have to be able to prove it. There were no witnesses, and the "potential" victim can't honestly answer a single question about what happened. All most certain that if she were to press charges, no jury would ever convict a person based on little to no facts. Put yourself in the jury and answer if you would send a man to prison for years on "we both were drinking/drugs and had sex" and not a single other statement. I'd bet that most men and women would return a not guilty. It's very tough to prove rape without witnesses or details of the act. Based on her post, I'd say that she has come to the conclusion for herself that she did cheat. She has taken the position as someone that has had an extramarital affair and is asking for advice on how to tell her husband. I'd bet that she knows a little bit more about what happened that night but didn't include them in the post. Perhaps some events or behaviors that led up to the act. Again, it's a very sad position for her to be in whether it was an act she willingly participated in or if it was forced. Her marriage is going to be on the rocks regardless.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This could be a point of misunderstanding for any of us.
> 
> ”Blacked out” meaning passed out?
> Or
> ”Blackout” meaning awake, functioning, partying, but having no memory.
> 
> The way OP describes it, I assume the latter.
> 
> If it’s the former then hands down it was rape.


I agree. But how can she KNOW if she doesn’t remember?


----------



## BeyondRepair007

Teacherwifemom said:


> I agree. But how can she KNOW if she doesn’t remember?


I agree, she can’t. Witnesses required. It sounds like it was a few hours, I would bet _someone_ remembers something about those few hours. But without LEO involved, who would stand up? Clearly they are crap friends.


----------



## Tdbo

About all you can do at this point is tell your husband the truth.
As has been mentioned, get STD testing done, and of course, make sure you didn't get yourself knocked up.
At least, you admit this is on you. So if you want a chance at staying in your marriage, you need to come up with a plan to present to him about restoring trust. You need to come up with self imposed safeguards to prevent this ever happening again (giving up alcohol/drugs might be a start) You need to be willing to do the hard work to correct any and all malfunctions that led up to this. You need to decide how you can reconstitute yourself into a person that he would want to stay with. Think in terms of what's in it for him to stay with you, etc.
All you can do is hope that he has the grace to do so. You very casually went down the rabbit hole here. Some people here say that you were raped. IMO, that isn't even germane to the crux of this discussion.* The issue is that you willingly put yourself in a position where such a thing could result as a possible outcome. *Your husband should rightfully have a huge problem with your piss poor judgement. You went to visit your family, not go drinking and drugging.
Good luck, and I mean that sincerely. Because if your husband has any degree of self pride, he will realize that no one who truly loves him would behave/betray him in such a fashion, and that he deserves better. I know that if my wife ever behaved in the manner that you did, she'd be done. The infidelity would only be one piece of it.


----------



## Evinrude58

SunCMars said:


> If you claim this denial, clear it first with those whom you first confided in.
> Tell them, after reflection, nothing happened.
> 
> Don't tell @Evinrude58 I wrote this.


I can’t believe a fellow fisherman would suggest such a thing. 😞

She did the following:
Rented a house so she could go party.
Got totally drunk
Partied with men
Did drugs
Wound up with a naked “friend” in her bed.

All we have is OP’s word that she was NOT raped, but that she did know that they had sex.

One can’t be sure they weren’t raped unless there’s other info they weren’t telling.

There’s no way out of telling her husband, even if she were so deceitful that she’d hide such a thing. Because other people know, she very easily could have an STD that is incurable and possibly deadly, and after only three years of marriage, he needs to know the truth so he can make an informed choice.

OP, you chose to do the things I wrote above.
The kind of person that does these childish, irresponsible, things while married is not a safe partner.

what are you not telling?

Questions your husband will ask:
Did you dance or flirt with the guy at the club, and if so, why?
How did the guy get to the rental house, and how did he know you’d be interested in him doing so?
If he was invited to the house by others, why did they do so? How many other guys came over?
Who was supposed to be in your room that night?
Did you Allow the guy in your rental house and if so, why?
Did you allow the guy in your bed? If so, why?
Why after a night of drinking, would you go even further by taking drugs? Do you do drugs often, or only on drunken free for alls where you actually rent a house to party at?
Why do you have friends who act like this?
Why did YOU act like this?
Why do you think you gave consent?

It’s going to ruin your marriage. There’s no avoiding it, because unless your husband is an idiot, he’s going to put things together after seeing you so upset.
You can only hope that he will accept that you didn’t intentionally have sex with another guy, while intentionally drinking and doing drugs with other strange men present. 

Just get it over with. Let the chips fall where they may. You don’t really have a choice, because he will find out. Better to confess rather than be caught.

Last of all, are you done with xxxxxx behavior such as renting party houses, having drinking binges, doing drugs, waking up with strange men in your bed?
Or do you feel this is normal behavior that just got out of hand?


----------



## Megaforce

gaius said:


> Boy that sounds like a fun way to live a life.
> 
> My advice, if you really want to keep your marriage together, don't tell him. Because all you're really doing is compounding one selfish act with another. Putting him in an unwinnable situation so he can absolve you of your guilt. And that story that you blacked out and can't remember anything, telling him that would be treating him like he's an idiot on top of cheating on him. Thinking he's going to believe that.
> 
> Find a way to choke down that guilt and shame like it's a bad piece of fruitcake and from now on be the best wife you can for him. And if you're a big enough slob to let random men bed you while you're drinking then stop drinking when he's not around.





Rus47 said:


> I don't think there is a statute of limitations on rape. There are several high profile men who are in prison today for rape committed decades ago. She needs to go to the police, file charges ASAP. There a bunch of witnesses and the perp as well. And yes of course an STD panel.
> 
> To do otherwise facilitates a predator and his friends to continue without consequences.


There is definitely a statute of limitations.


----------



## Rus47

SunCMars said:


> Her husband may kill this guy.
> Someone inside our clan would, must.
> 
> She would then be guilty of two sins, the last one with deadly cosequences.
> 
> Truth should be used to straighten out injustice, not to bloody, snowball more.


I didnt mean for her husband to take law in his own hand, rather to help and support her going to the police, filing report, dealing with trauma.

I am having tough time understanding how people see this as cheating. She showed horrible judgement by getting drunk. And how would she know what drug she took? Yes poor judgement. So then if some dude has sex when she us passed out, that is HER fault?!?


----------



## mwise003

Kgs-95 said:


> We continued drinking and my friend and I took something.


They both drank, and they both knowingly took the drug. 
For those saying RAPE, how do you know she didn't rape him?
Maybe he was more out of it than she was. Maybe she took advantage of him.
He didn't slip her a drug unknowingly. That would definitely be rape. 
I just don't understand, based on what she said by her OWN account how anyone can immediately say something like "RAPE, full STOP!"
Is she a minor and I missed it? Why is her agency or responsibility to the scenario not equal to his? I thought women and men are equal, thus should have equal agency/responsibility in any given situation. 
Did we just jump back 50yrs in time? I'm so confused... and glad I'm married and not dating in this world.


----------



## Rus47

Megaforce said:


> There is definitely a statute of limitations.


So how is it Cosby and Weinstein are in prison?


----------



## GoldenR

Jfc...wtf has happened to this place with all of the horse**** "don't tell" advice?

You guys are all advocating taking away a man's agency regarding if he wants to stay married to a cheater.

And rape? If dude also doesn't remember like she implied, it's not rape if they're both ****ed out of their minds on alcohol and drugs. Unless they both raped each other.


----------



## sideways

gameopoly5 said:


> If a woman is high on drugs or drunk to a point whereas she is not in full control of her senses and a guy takes advantage of her condition, than even if the woman consents to sex, under the law the man is still considered a rapist.
> I believe every person has some responsibility for their own safety and not to leave themselves or place themselves in vulnerable situations, but the law is the law.
> I suggest you read my posts again and what I have said is, if the OP believes or suspects she was taken advantage of sexually because she was under the influence of drugs or drink than she should tell her husband and report the matter to the police otherwise her husband will believe she has cheated especially if he discovers this from a third party.
> I have no idea whether she was too drunk to know what she was doing or cheated, I wasn`t there, but it appears some have already given the cheated verdict.
> Sorry, there are no other ways I can explain this except that I hope the OP wasn`t raped because that`s a terrible thing to happen for any woman.


She admits that she was drunk and high but how do you know that the guy wasn't drunk and high as well??? That would mean both of them didn't know what the hell they were doing. So now she should claim that she was raped??

Also for those of you saying she shouldn't tell her husband. She's going to have to get tested for STD and thus she's also going to have to refrain from having sex with her husband for months. How in the world is she going to explain that to him? He already knows something is up.

OP, your actions have consequences. When you get F'd up you make stupid decisions. You wound up in bed with another man. There's no way to sweep this under the carpet and make it go away. If you try to hide this it will gradually eat away at you and that's no way to live. Sit your husband down and tell him the truth. What happens after that is up to your husband.


----------



## mwise003

Sorry OP, I got off track to your actual question.

There is a lot missing from your story and someone else pointed it out. If this was trip to see family, why the rental house? Why were you out drinking/partying instead of visiting family?
Personally, I would be questioning your motives well before you got drunk and wasted. You have a huge hill to climb. 
That being said, your best bet, especially since you've already talked to 2 friends, is full honesty. No trickle truthing. 
Yes, it's likely to get ugly and yes you could end up divorced, but actions have consequences. Your husband has a right to know so he can decide for himself how to proceed.


----------



## Jimi007

When you woke up was your wedding band on ?


----------



## gameopoly5

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Unreal.
> 
> This *IS* another "cheating wife story!"
> 
> Why are you trying to turn the OP into some kind of 'victim' who was abused by some predator while she was innocently sitting in a corner reading her Bible? She PUT herself in this position - she *admitted* that SHE was drinking and that SHE "took something." So she was drinking _and_ taking some kind of drug - how the hell do YOU know that she wasn't acting cognizant and coming off as completely awake and aware and gave consent to this man? I've heard many people act this way when they're under the influence of something, yet cannot remember a thing that happened the next day.
> 
> She's completely ADMITTED that this is on her, so why are you trying to pin a rape charge on some guy when the OP doesn't even know what the hell happened? Just because she can't remember what happened doesn't automatically make the guy a rapist. *You* weren't there and you have NO idea what transpired either, but hanging a rape charge on some guy just because a woman was too drunk and drugged up and can't remember what happened is an absolutely disgusting thing to do to any man.
> 
> OP, I hope you're not foolishly even CONSIDERING this nonsense "advice." If indeed your memory comes back and it DOES turn out that you tried to fight him off and/or he forced himself on you against your will or when you were unconscious, then of course - by all means go sign a complaint. But don't charge a man for rape when you have absolutely NO CLUE about what happened because you were too drunk and drugged up to remember. That's an egregious thing to do to a person. You honestly don't seem the type to do that, though.
> 
> You screwed up and you're admitting it. I give you a lot of credit for your honesty.
> 
> Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Maybe you`re right, this probably is another cheating wife story, I don`t know.
Anyway, it seems the OP has taken a powder and gone quite, so all we can do is speculate and make guesses.
So many cheating wife threads on TAM it`s becoming rather a disturbing trend.


----------



## Rus47

gameopoly5 said:


> So many cheating wife threads on TAM it`s becoming rather a disturbing trend.


The faithful and their spouses arent posting here


----------



## Avgman

I agree with the few that are offering the advice about avoiding the whole rape approach. There sounds like a last ditch effort to push blame off of you. If you were raped, of course, run to the police department and hopefully justice is served. But for everyone says to do so with the story you have gave are absolutely nuts. Own your mistake, let him decide...it also sound like you need to decide what kind of lifestyle you want as well. Good luck.


----------



## Openminded

She could have given consent at the time and just doesn’t remember now. There’s no way to prove anything at this point and no prosecutor would take such an obvious loser of a case.

Not every stupid decision someone makes is rape.


----------



## uwe.blab

blackclover3 said:


> @Kgs-95
> I don't care how you downplay it - there is no way you completely don't know what happened
> 
> 1- it was your choice to drink and possibly take drugs
> 2- it was your choice to move from a bar to a house with guys and girls - WTF do you think guys and girls do after bar and after drinking?
> 3- it was your choice to get wasted with strangers or single guys without your husband.
> 4- you had deep down that you wanted to flirt and possibly cheat and drinks possibly made it easier
> 
> if you have a little just a little respect, guilt and shame then you should tell your husband immediately. if everything you said is true then report the guy to the police.


Some of what you say is true but unless she had ANY intention of some sort of physical/sexual encounter I find it hard to characterize this as cheating. Certainly sounds like she did not give consent, or was in any condition to do so.


----------



## ConanHub

Stop the rape talk. Unless there was a witness that proved otherwise, she got wasted like everyone probably was and f'd a guy.


----------



## ConanHub

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


Get an std test done immediately and maybe get some counseling.

You screwed up but need to protect your husband's health.

A counselor might have some good tips about how to break it to your husband.

Staying away from the guy is a must. You can't have social contact with him anymore. Is he married or have a girlfriend?

It might help you to sit down and write out a timeline of the night, recounting everything you can remember including the morning you woke up and everything you did next.

Don't shade the events with your emotions though writing down your thoughts and feelings could be helpful.

Have the dreaded talk with your husband and try to be calm though having tissue on hand will be a must.

You can't control the outcome but you can give your husband his agency and accept what he wants.

You obviously know not to ever party like that again?

Best wishes.


----------



## CPJay4now

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


You intentionally took drugs with friends and strangers; the guy probably took the same drug too. You may as well say that *you roofed yourself*. If the guy does not know what happened after waking up next to you, I do not believe he did anything wrong unless he passed the drugs around; it was just stupid to take a drug to enhance your party experience. If you are telling your husband to relinquish your guilt, it only gives you relief and causes him pain and discomfort.

The right thing to do is to tell your spouse, and you should get medically checked for any diseases (STD s).


----------



## Diana7

Rus47 said:


> From your description, this guy raped you. You were in no condition to give informed consent. The "friends" who you used drugs ( legal or not? ) with are maybe complicit. Were they present when you blacked out? Was this guy present with these "friends".
> 
> 
> So you know who the guy is.
> 
> Here is my advice. File charges of rape against him. Write out your story into the police report. Then, tell your husband exactly what happened in every detail. Ask his support in having this guy put away. Or you can tell your husband exactly what happened and ask him to go with you to the police to file charges.
> 
> Name all of the names ( witnesses ). They are not your friends. Friends don't let other friends be raped. Detail everything. Write it down while you recall and keep a copy. It may not hurt to retain an attorney to help, although the DA should help.
> 
> Very sorry this happened to you. You experienced trauma and will experience more.


Can't go along with this at all. She isn't innocent and shouldn't blame the guy when she was just as responsible.


----------



## blackclover3

uwe.blab said:


> Some of what you say is true but unless she had ANY intention of some sort of physical/sexual encounter I find it hard to characterize this as cheating. Certainly sounds like she did not give consent, or was in any condition to do so.


I totally disagree - has she discussed going out to a bar as girls' nights with guys with her husband before her trip? has she discussed bringing guys to the rented hours with her husband before her trip? then the intention is there. maybe her intention just to flirt and get some attention but went out of hand. her husband from her post believes her trip is to be with her family. 

if she truly didn't intend for this to happen then to prove it she has:
1- Report it to the police and get a report
2- Discuss it with her husband and give him all the details

I can't believe you people asking her to hide it and never tell her husband. I bet you guys have cheated on your spouses before. HER HUSBAND HAS THE RIGHT to know what happened. not telling him what happens then consider a second cheating - you rob him of knowing, decisions, and his future.


----------



## Gabriel

I suspect the OP won't be back.


----------



## uwe.blab

blackclover3 said:


> I totally disagree - has she discussed going out to a bar as girls' nights with guys with her husband before her trip? has she discussed bringing guys to the rented hours with her husband before her trip? then the intention is there. maybe her intention just to flirt and get some attention but went out of hand. her husband from her post believes her trip is to be with her family.
> 
> if she truly didn't intend for this to happen then to prove it she has:
> 1- Report it to the police and get a report
> 2- Discuss it with her husband and give him all the details
> 
> I can't believe you people asking her to hide it and never tell her husband. I bet you guys have cheated on your spouses before. HER HUSBAND HAS THE RIGHT to know what happened. not telling him what happens then consider a second cheating - you rob him of knowing, decisions, and his future.


well, again, the result of this is not any sort of intentional cheating on her part. You surely are not suggesting that she went without her husband so she could meet up and screw this guy. I am not asking her to hide it from her husband.

And for the record, the other guy 'wasn't any help' because he knows if he told her they had sex she would claim rape...because he knows what condition she was in when it happened.


----------



## Evinrude58

After renting a house with my drinking buddies ahead of time, going to a bar with horny women, getting ****faced drunk, allowing old lady friends I talked to and flirted with at the bar into my rental house after the bar closes, taking an illicit drug,——- I wake up in bed naked with one of the ladies riding me like a stolen horse….,., 

I then go home and tell my wife, I never intended to cheat on you honey, I really messed up. 

Why would she possibly think I intended to cheat? I was taken advantage of!!!!!!!!


----------



## mwise003

uwe.blab said:


> well, again, the result of this is not any sort of intentional cheating on her part.


Maybe not intentional, but she's still responsible. As someone else stated, drunk drivers don't mean to kill people while driving, but you can bet your bottom in court they're held responsible.


----------



## Livvie

ConanHub said:


> Stop the rape talk. Unless there was a witness that proved otherwise, she got wasted like everyone probably was and f'd a guy.


This times a million. 

The rape talk makes me roll my eyes. 

She knowingly GOT WASTED AND TOOK DRUGS and ****ed a guy, in a closed- house-rental-with-friends situation, who was also probably wasted. 

That's not rape. That's 2 people ****ing while under the influence.


----------



## Evinrude58

Double podt


----------



## karmagoround

Rus47 said:


> She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


Amen to this. The thread belongs on a rape forum, not an infidelity forum. 
She does need to tell her husband because that's what husbands are for. 
For OP. A first drink affects judgement, but it was horrible judgement to take a pill. You're husband is lucky he's not taking to a mortuary. Remember you are half of a marriage.


----------



## Enigmatic

She claims she doesn't remember what happened, which is very convenient. How does she know she wasn't the aggressor? Maybe she raped the guy in question. 

After all, he also claims not to have any memory of the night and they both were drinking and taking drugs (willingly/willfully).

Frankly, I'm not hearing coercion, just wildly bad judgement and a desire to put a good spin on things after the fact.


----------



## uwe.blab

mwise003 said:


> Maybe not intentional, but she's still responsible. As someone else stated, drunk drivers don't mean to kill people while driving, but you can bet your bottom in court they're held responsible.


she is not responsible for getting raped. Good lord.


----------



## Evinrude58

uwe.blab said:


> she is not responsible for getting raped. Good lord.


Who did the raping? Her or the guy?
She doesn’t remember. He was also on drugs I suspect..
How can you place blame on the guy so easily when the OP herself doesn’t feel that way???


----------



## gameopoly5

So it appears the general consensus so far is that the OP cheated in a drink and drugs fest.
My opinion has changed now thinking, if a woman woke up in bed naked next to some guy not knowing how she got there she`d have gone to the police, because now I believe that guy is known to her.
I do hope someone spills the beans to her husband.


----------



## Kgs-95

I have been and am at work. 

I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame. 

The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening. 

The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

uwe.blab said:


> she is not responsible for getting raped. Good lord.


She never even remotely indicated that she thinks she was raped.


----------



## snowbum

You had to know going out and getting blasted, doing drugs, and having men over wax horrible behavior for a married woman. Your marriage is probably over. For what? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

If your husband did this what would you do?
I would be honest. I got black out drunk, did drugs, and F’d a guy I don’t know. I’ll respect your decision. Shouldn’t be hard decision to make imho


----------



## oldshirt

This is a very sad situation.

unfortunately there really is no win-win solution and no way to make this completely go away.

And assuming your husband has been out in the real world and has not been a sheltered church-virgin he already has a good idea of what happened.

I’ll tell you the same thing I advised a guy yesterday that is also in a destructive no-win scenario - People are always less harsh and and more willing to seek compromise if you can show that you take it seriously and have been taking positive steps to address the situation when you break it to them.

So in terms of nots and bolts tasks, I would recommend you get STI tested and follow the Dr’s recommendation on follow up testing and sexual activity in the mean time.

i would also recommend seeing a counselor/therapist and working through a lot of your concerns prior to disclosing to your H. It may even be beneficial to disclose it with the therapist present.

This will not prevent him from being hurt and angry and disgusted, but the therapist may be able to help him process this whole thing as well. 

if you truly in your heart believe you were sexually assaulted against your will and consent, then I would advise seeking a sexual assault counselor to discuss options and help you navigate through your conflicting thoughts and emotions on that.

The chances of a criminal conviction for this are about the same as getting hit by a meteor unless there are eye witnesses that can state the they saw him drug you and have sex with your unconscious body or against you will. 

BUT, it’s not your job to secure a conviction. It’s your job as a victim to report an offense against you and to be a witness. It’s up to prosecutors and the court system to determine a criminal conviction or not. 

taking this to your grave is an option but I understand that there are witnesses who probably see this all as a big party night and a good time had by all.
There is a thread on here right now where 10 years later people started telling a woman’s husband about her partying and going home with some guy(s) at a wedding years prior. 

And finally I agree with the others that have said to not beg or plead or point fingers etc but to accept whatever he decides to do. 

he may or may not be able to accept this.

you can offer to do marital counseling or drug/alcohol rehab or whatever. But if I’m the end he cannot remain married to what he sees as a party girl that parties and sleeps with other men when he’s out of sight, that is his perogative and his choice.


----------



## Trdd

Livvie said:


> This times a million.
> 
> The rape talk makes me roll my eyes.
> 
> She knowingly GOT WASTED AND TOOK DRUGS and ****ed a guy, in a closed- house-rental-with-friends situation, who was also probably wasted.
> 
> That's not rape. That's 2 people ****ing while under the influence.


It would be difficult to prove what happened. She may have been a willing partner, however, in the US, having sex with someone heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol who is not able to give consent can be construed as rape. People have been charged and convicted for having sex with someone who js not their spouse and is also thoroughly drunk. This may vary state by state but in many states this is the law. 
Look at this:

_If the party is so intoxicated that he or she cannot give legal consent, he/she is “prevented from resisting.” In order to give legal consent, a person must be able to exercise reasonable judgment. In other words, the person must be able to understand and weigh the physical nature of the act, its moral character, and probable consequences. Legal consent is consent given freely and voluntarily by someone who knows the nature of the act involved.

This means, if the other party says “yes, yes, yes,” both before and during sexual intercourse, you could still be charged with rape.

The court will look to circumstantial evidence that shows the party was so intoxicated they could not give legal consent.
The courts in California have found the following conduct shows that someone was too intoxicated to consent:_

_If the victim passed out at some point or had trouble walking on their own; (People v. White (App.4 Dist. 2015) 191 Cal.Rptr.3d 299)_
_People at the party agreeing that the victim needed to “sleep it off”;_
_Putting the victim in a shower for cleanup after vomiting; and_
_So drunk the victim is vomiting and hit the wall. (People v. Braslaw (App.1 Dist. 2015) 183 Cal.Rptr.3d 575)_


----------



## Openminded

It will obviously be your husband’s decision whether you go or stay. He may not decide immediately — sometimes it takes awhile for the shock to subside so that you can make a rational decision.


----------



## snowbum

Consult a divorce attorney of your own


----------



## lifeistooshort

Evinrude58 said:


> Who did the raping? Her or the guy?
> She doesn’t remember. He was also on drugs I suspect..
> How can you place blame on the guy so easily when the OP herself doesn’t feel that way???


My thought as well. If he was on drugs as well how is he responsible but she's not?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Trdd said:


> It would be difficult to prove what happened. She may have been a willing partner, however, in the US, having sex with someone heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol who is not able to give consent can be construed as rape. People have been charged and convicted for having sex with someone who js not their spouse and is also thoroughly drunk. This may vary state by state but in many states this is the law.
> Look at this:
> 
> _If the party is so intoxicated that he or she cannot give legal consent, he/she is “prevented from resisting.” In order to give legal consent, a person must be able to exercise reasonable judgment. In other words, the person must be able to understand and weigh the physical nature of the act, its moral character, and probable consequences. Legal consent is consent given freely and voluntarily by someone who knows the nature of the act involved.
> 
> This means, if the other party says “yes, yes, yes,” both before and during sexual intercourse, you could still be charged with rape.
> 
> The court will look to circumstantial evidence that shows the party was so intoxicated they could not give legal consent.
> The courts in California have found the following conduct shows that someone was too intoxicated to consent:_
> 
> _If the victim passed out at some point or had trouble walking on their own; (People v. White (App.4 Dist. 2015) 191 Cal.Rptr.3d 299)_
> _People at the party agreeing that the victim needed to “sleep it off”;_
> _Putting the victim in a shower for cleanup after vomiting; and_
> _So drunk the victim is vomiting and hit the wall. (People v. Braslaw (App.1 Dist. 2015) 183 Cal.Rptr.3d 575)_


How do you know the guy wasn't drugging and able to give informed consent?


----------



## ConanHub

Trdd said:


> It would be difficult to prove what happened. She may have been a willing partner, however, in the US, having sex with someone heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol who is not able to give consent can be construed as rape. People have been charged and convicted for having sex with someone who js not their spouse and is also thoroughly drunk. This may vary state by state but in many states this is the law.
> Look at this:
> 
> _If the party is so intoxicated that he or she cannot give legal consent, he/she is “prevented from resisting.” In order to give legal consent, a person must be able to exercise reasonable judgment. In other words, the person must be able to understand and weigh the physical nature of the act, its moral character, and probable consequences. Legal consent is consent given freely and voluntarily by someone who knows the nature of the act involved.
> 
> This means, if the other party says “yes, yes, yes,” both before and during sexual intercourse, you could still be charged with rape.
> 
> The court will look to circumstantial evidence that shows the party was so intoxicated they could not give legal consent.
> The courts in California have found the following conduct shows that someone was too intoxicated to consent:_
> 
> _If the victim passed out at some point or had trouble walking on their own; (People v. White (App.4 Dist. 2015) 191 Cal.Rptr.3d 299)_
> _People at the party agreeing that the victim needed to “sleep it off”;_
> _Putting the victim in a shower for cleanup after vomiting; and_
> _So drunk the victim is vomiting and hit the wall. (People v. Braslaw (App.1 Dist. 2015) 183 Cal.Rptr.3d 575)_


Exactly. I think the poor man she obviously took advantage of needs to get her thrown in jail.

Good grief. She even knows she did wrong and wasn't raped.

This isn't helping the OP and is actually turning into a thread jack given she already put the kabosh on this line of conversation.


----------



## Trdd

In case you missed my earlier post:

If you choose to tell your husband, buy Linda McDonald's book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair. It will give you a lot of insight into the process you will need to go through if he decides to try to reconcile. A ONS is more likely to be reconcilable than a longer term affair but there are no guarantees.


----------



## uwe.blab

Teacherwifemom said:


> She never even remotely indicated that she thinks she was raped.


She doesn't even know if she had sex with the guy. So nothing happened? Well, she asked him and he wasn't any help. So I guess she just gets to wonder.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> Just tell him the entire truth. Then apologize and let the chips fall where they may. Not the best odds of surviving but it does happen.
> Never drink again. Get tested for STDs. Do not have sex with your husband until the various incubation periods have passed. Get retested in 6 month intervals for a while. Might be months before you can safely have relations, in the event he ever wants to resume.
> If you really were blackout drunk, vs some of the false claims of this we see, perhaps he can get passed this.
> You need to reveal the guy's identity and be willing to press sexual assault charges to be credible.


If he were out of it the same, guy could press charges on her likewise. 

OP is culpable because she got drunk and stoned when her husband was not present. She is just as guilty as if she was playing Russian roulette, one can't claim innocence because they did not know it was on a loaded cylinder.


----------



## DamianDamian

Well I've had sex with an intoxicated woman, guess that makes me a rapist.


----------



## Evinrude58

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


The way you describe it, it does sound like the guy totally took advantage of you and although you made some bad choices, I think there’s a heckuva lot of reasons to forgive.
However, you still haven’t said what the guy was doing there in the first place. I hope you give more info.


----------



## Evinrude58

DamianDamian said:


> Well I've had sex with an intoxicated woman, guess that makes me a rapist.


If she was drugged and passed out, yes it would be


----------



## Divinely Favored

Sfort said:


> Maybe you should charge the guy with rape. Then you will learn what happened. Unless you really know.


Maybe the guy should charge her. Neither may have been aware while it was happening.


----------



## Trdd

ConanHub said:


> Exactly. I think the poor man she obviously took advantage of needs to get her thrown in jail.
> 
> Good grief. She even knows she did wrong and wasn't raped.
> 
> This isn't helping the OP and is actually turning into a thread jack given she already put the kabosh on this line of conversation.


Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states. 

I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


----------



## ConanHub

Trdd said:


> Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states.
> 
> I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


I read quite well and maybe she should go to jail for taking advantage of an intoxicated man.

Oh and you are still thread jacking.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Evinrude58 said:


> If she was drugged and passed out, yes it would be


He may have been out of it and she took advantage of the guy.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Trdd said:


> Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states.
> 
> I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


If guy was blacked out, she could be charged as well.


----------



## Evinrude58

The rape stuff shouldn’t even be part of the equation since the OP doesn’t believe she was raped.
Why was the cat there? Why did her “friend” allow him there???
He didn’t go there to play dominoes. 

i think op needs to make her an ex friend.

sounds like besides bringing a guy over to have sex With the op, she also nearly killed the OP with drugs.
Truly awful choices all around.


----------



## DamianDamian

Jamieboy said:


> Ah, so by your logic, if I'm wasted and I have sex with a wasted woman without her consent, it's not rape. Good to know for the future


Many people on this thread share my logic. Just because a woman had a few drinks doesn't make it rape. She chose to get wasted with this guy, so because she's intoxicated he has to prevent his own intoxicated self from having sex with her even though she is willing? Women and men have EQUAL agency - why should all the responsibility fall on the man's shoulders when both parties are intoxicated? It's such an easy cop out for women to cheat and cry rape.


----------



## SunCMars

I repeat....

People die for committing **** like this!!!!!!!!!

What if someone did this to your married daughter?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Trdd said:


> Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states.
> 
> I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


So why do you still assume the guy remembers anything? She said he wasn't much help so maybe he was drugged too.

Surely you're not suggesting different standards for women?


----------



## Trdd

ConanHub said:


> I read quite well and maybe she should go to jail for taking advantage of an intoxicated man.
> 
> Oh and you are still thread jacking.


Judging by your postcount here, you spend all day every day on the internet but that doesn't mean you know jack s*** about legal consent and rape. I am not thread jacking this is a relevant issue that her husband is going to face if she describes what happened as she described it here. She said she blacked out and has no memory of what happened. Every man I know would feel like she was taken advantage of in that situation. Or they might think she was lying. If they believed her, all of us would want that guy's head. And the law says that they may deserve it.


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> The rape stuff shouldn’t even be part of the equation since the OP doesn’t believe she was raped.


There was a hazy, small fire made with her drinking.
The OM set her ablaze, knocking her senseless.

He did this deliberately.
Damn, freakin' right.

Yes, *she was dumb as hell *to take that opiate pill.

Her friend that encouraged her to take the pill, is no friend, at all.

Sobeit.

Watch the chips fall.


----------



## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> So why do you still assume the guy remembers anything?  She said he wasn't much help so maybe he was drugged too.
> 
> Surely you're not suggesting different standards for women?


********!

If some woman drugged your married son, who was already half in the bag, just to bed him, you would not be screaming mad! ?

A drunk person does not have full agency, not likely even a piss-cup full.


----------



## ThreeHundo

So, a bunch of folks here are just ready to crucify a dude that damn well may be innocent.

She says she doesn't remember but you just assume the dude does? That's garbage. Yeah, let's possibly ruin a guys life when nobody saw anything, she doesn't remember anything and the dude doesn't remember anything. You folks are crazy.


----------



## Diana7

uwe.blab said:


> Some of what you say is true but unless she had ANY intention of some sort of physical/sexual encounter I find it hard to characterize this as cheating. Certainly sounds like she did not give consent, or was in any condition to do so.


We can't know that. She may have given consent but forgotten.


----------



## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> ******!
> 
> If some woman drugged your married son, who was already half in the bag, just to bed him, you would not be screaming mad! ?
> 
> A drunk person does not have full agency, not likely even a piss-cup full.


They were probably both drunk so who would you say is responsible?


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.



Quick question

was your husband aware you will be on girls night out and have people over? 
my other question please - have you told your husband you are inviting guys back to the house from the bar? have you told him you will be taking drugs before taking them?

Please answer


----------



## blackclover3

How would you even go to sleep after what happened?


----------



## Diana7

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


It's good you are being honest enough to tell him. I hope that you can both eventually get past it.


----------



## *Deidre*

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


It will be a really tough conversation with your husband for sure, but you’re doing the right thing by telling him.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


The guy raped you based on this description. You have to at least tell your husband and likely should report it to the police.


----------



## Kgs-95

It would have had to happen when everyone left\went to sleep. My Friend (who is a woman) got me to bed. Either he came into my room or I got back up and it happened from there. I have my suspicions but I can't know for sure so I'm not trying to play victim to my husband.


----------



## ConanHub

Evinrude58 said:


> The guy was described as not that drink abs didn’t take drugs if I recall correctly. Definitely sounds as if he’s trash that deserves a beat down .


Probably but with no one being witness to anything, no one is going to be able to say.


----------



## ConanHub

SunCMars said:


> Simple, the person who gave her the opiate,


The person who gave her the opiate was her friend, not who she ended up with in bed.


----------



## Evinrude58

Still no answer as to why old boy was there in the first place


----------



## Rus47

oldshirt said:


> So in terms of nots and bolts tasks, I would recommend you get STI tested and follow the Dr’s recommendation on follow up testing and sexual activity in the mean time.


It had been 2 weeks since she was exposed. If she has had any relations with her husband since exposure, he is exposed too and slso needs the same STI testing as OP.


----------



## Gabriel

Okay, with more info from the OP, rape seems less likely. Though still a possibility.

Glad you are telling your H about this. Hope you're not pregnant.

I'm trying to think about what I'd do in his shoes. I guess it depends on how my wife told me. At the very least, I'd take a break from her to process my thoughts. If we had no kids, I'd probably lean on divorce. Any married woman putting themselves in this situation is not a safe partner, overall.


----------



## lifeistooshort

SunCMars said:


> ******!
> 
> If some woman drugged your married son, who was already half in the bag, just to bed him, you would not be screaming mad! ?
> 
> A drunk person does not have full agency, not likely even a piss-cup full.


Umm, yeah....that was my point. We don't know if he had full agency either.

And nowhere was it suggested that this guy drugged her. She says she took something....of her own free will.

If my son drugged himself then he's at least half responsible for whatever hapoens.


----------



## Beach123

The bottom line is your husband has a right to know.
He also needs to understand what you do when he isn’t around.
You participated in risky behavior and made tons of choices that lead to this scene.
He needs to know what you did.


----------



## SunCMars

ConanHub said:


> The person who gave her the opiate was her friend, not who she ended up with in bed.


She is no friend of the marriage.
Think about it?..
Who would OP trust, her friend or some male who offered her drugs 

Yep, the two were assuredly working together to get her high and poked.

No matter the case, the POSOM took advantage of a drugged MARRIED woman.


----------



## *Deidre*

There are two things happening here - your husband OP, will be angry most likely because you were drunk and high eventually blacking out, causing you to be in the situation you were in. But he also may think you were raped. The definition is if someone has sex with someone else, without their consent. That could have very well happened but not remembering is where it would become challenging to press charges or prosecute.

Not saying either way what you should do from a legal position, but I’m just saying that if you didn’t give your consent in any way, shape or form, that would be considered rape.

He said/she said cases are tough.


----------



## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> Umm, yeah....that was my point. We don't know if he had full agency either.
> 
> And nowhere was it suggested that this guy drugged her. She says she took something....of her own free will.
> 
> If my son drugged himself then he's at least half responsible for whatever hapoens.


Fair enough, then the effing he gets by creepy others around him is OK?

A drunk person does stupid things. That is no excuse for others taking advantage of the situation.
That POSOM took advantage of an impaired female.

My point..


----------



## blackclover3

SunCMars said:


> She is no friend of the marriage.
> Think about it?..
> Who would OP trust, her friend or some male who offered her drugs
> 
> Yep, the two were assuredly working together to get her high and poked.
> 
> No matter the case, the POSOM took advantage of a drugged MARRIED woman.


no one took advantage of no one. she said she knew she was taking it. this is like saying a bar should be charged for people DUI?

Married Woman + Single Guys + Drinks + Drugs = sex ....simple equation that everyone knows.

why would a married woman agree to invite single guys to her rented place without her husband being there? there is a well deep down inside her for cheating but afraid to admit it.


----------



## SunCMars

blackclover3 said:


> no one took advantage of no one. she said she knew she was taking it. this is like saying a bar should be charged for people DUI?
> 
> Married Woman + Single Guys + Drinks + Drugs = sex .... this is a simple equation that everyone knows.
> 
> why would a married woman agree to invite single guys to her rented place without her husband being there? there is the well deep down from the beginning that she might want to say it.


A good retort!


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kgs-95 said:


> It would have had to happen when everyone left\went to sleep. My Friend (who is a woman) got me to bed. Either he came into my room or I got back up and it happened from there. I have my suspicions but I can't know for sure so I'm not trying to play victim to my husband.


you need to re think your life style ,and your friends , you can see now when it is too late that drink and drugs are not a good thing ,
my advice is to not try to give your husband a half story or a story that has been cleaned up , because his reaction could be to shift blame and go after the man 
in MY MIND THE MAN DID TAKE ADVANTAGE but your friends put you to bed and left you in a house with a man that was not your husband , they are not friends 
we have all had a friend in your state and did not wait for everyone to go home to **** them


----------



## Rus47

blackclover3 said:


> this is like saying a bar should be charged for people DUI?


They are often successfully sued when a drunk from their bar injures or kills someone.


----------



## lifeistooshort

SunCMars said:


> Fair enough, then the effing he gets by creepy others around him is OK?
> 
> A drunk person does stupid things. That is no excuse for others taking advantage of the situation.
> That POSOM took advantage of an impaired female.
> 
> My point..


No. The point is that you're implying different standards and assuming his judgment was better then hers. For all we know she took advantage of him.

How do you know he was in a mental state to take advantage of anyone? You don't know anything about his state of intoxication.

If he was also intoxicated why is she a victim but he's not? So she was backed out....so what? Peoples have blacked out and killed others. Blacked out people can do a lot of things.


----------



## sideways

Trdd said:


> Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states.
> 
> I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


You are making this WAY more difficult than it is. She was so F'd up that she can't remember anything so how does she know if she did or didn't give consent? The answer....she doesn't know and there's no way to find out unless someone comes forth with evidence to prove otherwise which doesn't appear to be something that's going to happen. So it's basically two people who were F'd up, so much so, that neither of them remember what happened. They also both gave consent by actually having sex and neither of them can remember if one of them said "no". 

So nobody on here knows the truth, but just what OP has shared and based upon what she has shared this was not rape. In fact based upon what she's shared he could just as easily claim that she raped him. There's no proof to prove a rape happened either way (unless OP is omitting something or someone that was there comes forth).


----------



## blackclover3

A partner who tries to blame his or her infidelity on the world around them might not be ready to fix their relationship.

Someone who says they cheated because they were drinking or using drugs, for example, might want to do more work in understanding why they cheated.

"Obviously, drinking and using drugs inhibits our judgment and decision-making, but not to the extent that you have no idea what’s going on," Weiser said.









15 ways your relationship will change after someone cheats


There's no doubt that a relationship changes after someone cheats. Among other things, the couple can go from completely trusting each other to questioning their entire relationship. Here are 15 ways your relationship might change after infidelity occurs.




www.insider.com


----------



## frenchpaddy

lifeistooshort said:


> No. The point is that you're implying different standards and assuming his judgment was better then hers. For all we know she took advantage of him.
> 
> How do you know he was in a mental state to take advantage of anyone? You don't know anything about his state of intoxication.
> 
> If he was also intoxicated why is she a victim but he's not? So she was backed out....so what? Peoples have blacked out and killed others. Blacked out people can do a lot of things.


she was the one put to bed , the person that put her to bed was up to be able go home , I believe this was a woman friend and she should have cleared the house or stayed with her friend


----------



## TAMAT

Please research if it is possible to detect semen weeks afterward in a vagina, I assume it is not, but I have no idea how technology has progressed.

If you are pregnant that would be definitive proof however.


----------



## Gabriel

blackclover3 said:


> why would a married woman agree to invite single guys to her rented place without her husband being there? there is a well deep down inside her for cheating but afraid to admit it.


Right, SHE rented the house - this makes it way worse. So the place where the marital money was spent, that her H was supposed to be at, but got called into work instead, is where this deed happened. She's not laying blame probably because she knows the guy as someone who wouldn't do that, and, she invited the group over. 

The mistake is really a series of mistakes. 

1) She invited people over who were DTF
2) She voluntarily got way too impaired
3) She went upstairs with a guy who was DTF, even if she can't really remember it
4) Clearly, people were still in the house in the morning - so it was pre-planned that it was okay for people to crash there, with her H not around.

As her H, I'd not be super pissed about getting drunk with friends back at the house, but I'd be super pissed about saying it was cool for single people to be spending the night. And I'd be pissed she took an opiate to begin with. 

Because she allowed all of this to take place leading up to the sex, I'd be EXTREMELY suspicious that she was conveniently "not remembering" it. I'd assume she was telling me because too many people knew what happened, and it would get out.

Further, I'd be super pissed that this happened with other people's knowledge. Where the HELL were her friends when she was so out of it that she was hand in hand going up the stairs with a man? How did nobody grab her and then, well, maybe tell everyone it was time for people to leave??? As her H, I'd be cutting all those people out of my life forever, even if I ultimately got to a place of forgiveness with my wife.


----------



## oldshirt

No husband that has ever been out of the house and been to a party is going to see this as anything other than a party-time drunken hook up,,,,, which it sounds like it was.

maybe she’s being honest and can’t remember all the details.

but by her own account, this was not a rape,,,,

This means they partied, got drunk and high,,, and got down.

I believe her sincerity that she regrets it now.
But she knowingly got drunk, took drugs, invited men back to the house and at some point had sex with (at least) one of them. 

for all we know, she was the one that initiated it and came on to him.

Now was he a good guy by getting down with a married woman when they were all being drunk and stupid?? No.

But she is standing on her own merits saying she was not raped and that she is responsible for her actions.

can we please believe her.

if we are supposed to believe women when they say they were raped, should we not also believe them when they say they were not raped, or are women so naive and fallible that we simply can’t believe anything they say in regards to their conduct?


----------



## ConanHub

frenchpaddy said:


> she was the one put to bed , the person that put her to bed was up to be able go home , I believe this was a woman friend and she should have cleared the house or stayed with her friend


Actually, OP shouldn't have been getting wasted with single dudes. Judgement seemed to fly out the window that night.


----------



## Diana7

Sfort said:


> Right.


You are making the assumption that rape is ok if we like the person?


----------



## Diana7

Sfort said:


> Right.


Not all men are the same.


----------



## Kgs-95

My husband knew my plan and what I was doing. The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him. He trusts the friends that I have and pretty much just told me to be careful and keep in touch with him. Nothing like this has happened before so I am sure it wasn't a possibility in his mind. He doesn't Know that I did drugs yet but we do another drug like 2 times a year. 

When I talked to the guy in the morning I asked him if we had sex he said yeah. I asked him what happened and how it happened, he just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was married and I don't how this happened. He apologized and said he isn't going to tell anyone and that was the end of the conversation. He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


----------



## Jamieboy

DamianDamian said:


> Many people on this thread share my logic. Just because a woman had a few drinks doesn't make it rape. She chose to get wasted with this guy, so because she's intoxicated he has to prevent his own intoxicated self from having sex with her even though she is willing? Women and men have EQUAL agency - why should all the responsibility fall on the man's shoulders when both parties are intoxicated? It's such an easy cop out for women to cheat and cry rape.


How can she be willing if unconscious? Its impossible for a man to be so wasted he doesn't know what he's doing and still be able to get it up. That's why it doesn't work the other way round. 

Sorry buddy you're wrong


----------



## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> Simple, the person who gave her the opiate, stripped her naked, fondled her endlessly, and then stuck his hard penis in her, out-cold, lifeless body.
> 
> I can see this clearly.
> You cannot.
> 
> I have Martian based logic.
> It is unfailingly accurate.


He didn't give her the drug nor do we have a clue who came on to who. She willingly got drunk and took a drug. Nothing to say she wasn't the one who came onto him.


----------



## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> How can she be willing if unconscious? Its impossible for a man to be so wasted he doesn't know what he's doing and still be able to get it up. That's why it doesn't work the other way round.
> 
> Sorry buddy you're wrong


She didn't say she was unconscious, just that she couldn't remember what happened. Different thing.


----------



## Beach123

If you rented the place then ask the people you rented from if the have any cameras on site.
Many places that rent have cameras to be sure things go as planned. You may find your evidence/clues in the footage.


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> How would you even go to sleep after what happened?


I was still very out of it when I first woke up


----------



## Diana7

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband knew my plan and what I was doing. The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him. He trusts the friends that I have and pretty much just told me to be careful and keep in touch with him. Nothing like this has happened before so I am sure it wasn't a possibility in his mind. He doesn't Know that I did drugs yet but we do another drug like 2 times a year.
> 
> When I talked to the guy in the morning I asked him if we had sex he said yeah. I asked him what happened and how it happened, he just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was married and I don't how this happened. He apologized and said he isn't going to tell anyone and that was the end of the conversation. He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


Please stay off any illegal drugs with or without your husband. It's just not worth it. 
Same with the drink.


----------



## Trdd

ConanHub said:


> Keep jacking. The OP isn't going for this but I'm sure your desire trump's hers
> 
> Start your own thread for Christ's sake.


You appear weak to me. A woman is blackout drunk and on opiates, has sex she doesn't remember and you do not even have an inkling of a thought for her being a potential victim. 

Conan indeed, lol


----------



## snowbum

The fact your husband trusted you naked this worse.


----------



## Kgs-95

Gabriel said:


> Right, SHE rented the house - this makes it way worse. So the place where the marital money was spent, that her H was supposed to be at, but got called into work instead, is where this deed happened. She's not laying blame probably because she knows the guy as someone who wouldn't do that, and, she invited the group over.
> 
> The mistake is really a series of mistakes.
> 
> 1) She invited people over who were DTF
> 2) She voluntarily got way too impaired
> 3) She went upstairs with a guy who was DTF, even if she can't really remember it
> 4) Clearly, people were still in the house in the morning - so it was pre-planned that it was okay for people to crash there, with her H not around.
> 
> As her H, I'd not be super pissed about getting drunk with friends back at the house, but I'd be super pissed about saying it was cool for single people to be spending the night. And I'd be pissed she took an opiate to begin with.
> 
> Because she allowed all of this to take place leading up to the sex, I'd be EXTREMELY suspicious that she was conveniently "not remembering" it. I'd assume she was telling me because too many people knew what happened, and it would get out.
> 
> Further, I'd be super pissed that this happened with other people's knowledge. Where the HELL were her friends when she was so out of it that she was hand in hand going up the stairs with a man? How did nobody grab her and then, well, maybe tell everyone it was time for people to leave??? As her H, I'd be cutting all those people out of my life forever, even if I ultimately got to a place of forgiveness with my wife.


My friends didn't know anything until I talked to them about it the next day.


----------



## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> No. The point is that you're implying different standards and assuming his judgment was better then hers. For all we know she took advantage of him.
> 
> How do you know he was in a mental state to take advantage of anyone? You don't know anything about his state of intoxication.
> 
> If he was also intoxicated why is she a victim but he's not? So she was backed out....so what? Peoples have blacked out and killed others. Blacked out people can do a lot of things.


I just think she can't remember anything. No reason she was unable to do anything as you say.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> I was still very out of it when I first woke up


my advice

1- DO NOT WAIT any longer telling your husband - he must know, the longer you wait the less option for him to understand the situation. he might want to file a police report to get the truth.
2- Did you sleep with your husband after that incident? he needs to be tested
4- be prepared to give him the names who attended including the guy - please don't cover anything up. I would also advise him to come to this form to talk to us. he might feel embarrassed to speak to anyone else.


----------



## Kgs-95

Diana7 said:


> Please stay off any illegal drugs with or without your husband. It's just not worth it.
> Same with the drink.


You are right, not worth it at all and I'm going to.


----------



## ConanHub

Trdd said:


> You appear weak to me. A woman is blackout drunk and on opiates, has sex she doesn't remember and you do not even have an inkling of a thought for her being a potential victim.
> 
> Conan indeed, lol


Well I'm not above some ring time. I was actually just advising you according to TAM policy and starting your own thread might be beneficial. Direct insults aren't actually allowed but you're pretty new so maybe you could just edit your post.


----------



## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> she was the one put to bed , the person that put her to bed was up to be able go home , I believe this was a woman friend and she should have cleared the house or stayed with her friend


They woke up next to each other.


----------



## Diana7

blackclover3 said:


> my advice
> 
> 1- DO NOT WAIT any longer telling your husband - he must know, the longer you wait the less option for him to understand the situation. he might want to file a police report to get the truth.
> 2- Did you sleep with your husband after that incident? he needs to be tested
> 3- if you truly were unaware of what happened then file a police report for rape.
> 4- be prepared to give him the names who attended including the guy - please don't cover anything up. I would also advise him to come to this form to talk to us. he might feel embarrassed to speak to anyone else.


Report a rape? Why?


----------



## ConanHub

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband knew my plan and what I was doing. The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him. He trusts the friends that I have and pretty much just told me to be careful and keep in touch with him. Nothing like this has happened before so I am sure it wasn't a possibility in his mind. He doesn't Know that I did drugs yet but we do another drug like 2 times a year.
> 
> When I talked to the guy in the morning I asked him if we had sex he said yeah. I asked him what happened and how it happened, he just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was married and I don't how this happened. He apologized and said he isn't going to tell anyone and that was the end of the conversation. He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


He sounds less than honorable obviously. Make sure you have no contact with him and block him on all social platforms.


----------



## Young at Heart

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


Thank you for responding and clearing up a few questions.

Again, you are being responsible. Count your blessing that you are still alive as opiate overdoses kill thousands each year.

You understand that what you did was so wrong on so many levels. You have two logical choices and based on your knowledge of your husband and yourself, you have a difficult choice.

You can tell him and accept whatever he chooses or you can take this to your grave and never let any guilt or shame cloud your relationship with your husband and pray that no one who knows will tell someone that will tell your husband.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck. I also wish your husband good luck and he will be facing some horrifying news that will probably shake him to his very core.


----------



## Kgs-95

ConanHub said:


> He sounds less than honorable obviously. Make sure you have no contact with him and block him on all social platforms.


For sure


----------



## Rus47

Young at Heart said:


> Again, you are being responsible. Count your blessing that you are still alive as opiate overdoses kill thousands each year.


Especially when any illegal pill today could be laced with fentenyl. 100,000 dead this year.


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> He didn't give her the drug nor do we have a clue who came on to who. She willingly got drunk and took a drug. Nothing to say she wasn't the one who came onto him.


OK, I'll buy that.

No winners here, but the SOB, POSOM!


----------



## blackclover3

SunCMars said:


> OK, I'll buy that.
> 
> No winners here, but the SOB, POSOM!


why is he SOB, POSOM ? he is there for a reason, he was invited or got the ok to be there. we are not sure because that lady doesnt remember what happened if she initiated or flirted with him while drunk and on drugs


----------



## blackclover3

Diana7 said:


> Report a rape? Why?


get the truth - she took drug and was unaware of what happened and found herself naked. the police will not hold anything against him but will take his version of the story and her friend's version of the story. not a covered-up version by both


----------



## sideways

Kgs-95 said:


> I was still very out of it when I first woke up


What kind of opiate did you take?


----------



## sideways

It's my understanding some opiates can make you extremely horny.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Diana7 said:


> Report a rape? Why?


I agree there are a lot of unknowns and it would be very difficult to prove anything deliberate at this point, but the benefit of reporting it to the police is that there might have been other complaints about the same guy. If her reaction to the alcohol and drugs wasn't what she was expecting, it's possible he added something to what she was drinking at some point. GHB, for example, can both knock a person out and cause amnesia.


----------



## blackclover3

sideways said:


> What kind of opiate did you take?


not sure if she was out of it, how did she go to bathroom, figured out she had sex, dressed up then went down and slept on the Sofa. 
if she was shocked, any other female would be running around the house calling their husbands to pick them up....


----------



## SunCMars

blackclover3 said:


> why is he SOB, POSOM ? he is there for a reason, he was invited or got the ok to be there. we are not sure because that lady doesnt remember what happened if she initiated or flirted with him while drunk and on drugs


God blast it!

I see.

In your mind, it is OK to eff some other dudes wife if she's drunk, even willing?

She said she had her ring on.

In your world, then, any women is worth nailing?

More so, if she is sh!t faced drunk?

Wow.


----------



## blackclover3

SunCMars said:


> God blast it!
> 
> I see.
> 
> In your mind, it is OK to eff some other dudes wife if she's drunk, even willing?
> 
> She said she had her ring on.
> 
> In your world, then, any women is worth nailing?
> 
> More so, if she is sh!t faced drunk?
> 
> Wow.



No, what I mean we called him SOB and we dont have the full truth - do you think it is possible that she is the initiator?


----------



## oldshirt

sideways said:


> It's my understanding some opiates can make you extremely horny.


you understood wrong.

opiates might remove some inhibitions and impulse control and good judgement.

But they are a depressant and not a stimulant and do not stimulate the sex drive.


----------



## Kgs-95

sideways said:


> What kind of opiate did you take?


It is called oxymorphone


----------



## SunCMars

blackclover3 said:


> No, what I mean we called him SOB and we dont have the full truth - do you think it is possible that she is the initiator?


Oh, he could not refuse?


----------



## SunCMars

...


----------



## sideways

oldshirt said:


> you understood wrong.
> 
> opiates might remove some inhibitions and impulse control and good judgement.
> 
> But they are a depressant and not a stimulate and do not stimulate the sex drive.


Have had a few female friends that took opiates and said that it did so no I didn't misunderstand them.


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> not sure if she was out of it, how did she go to bathroom, figured out she had sex, dressed up then went down and slept on the Sofa.
> if she was shocked, any other female would be running around the house calling their husbands to pick them up....


Me going to the bathroom was after many hours of sleep. I didn't know for sure that I had sex until I woke up for the last time.


----------



## ConanHub

Kgs-95 said:


> It is called oxymorphone


You're fortunate you even woke up. Could have put you to sleep for good.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> Me going to the bathroom was after many hours of sleep. I didn't know for sure that I had sex until I woke up for the last time.



when will you tell your husband?
have you had sex with him since that incident?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband knew my plan and what I was doing. The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him. He trusts the friends that I have and pretty much just told me to be careful and keep in touch with him.


To be clear, you weren't careful. Most of the details of your story can be found in other cheating stories because they're risky behavior that exposed you to what happened. Don't be vulnerable around single guys (no drinking or drugs or being alone with them where others can't see or hear you). Don't trust single female friends who are partying and/or intoxicated to have your back or protect you (they're too busy worrying about their own fun). 

If the guy tagged along with your friend, how did he wind up with you? When did the friend stop paying attention to him? You said you were still very out of it in the morning. Did the guy also look out of it or was he fine? Do you wear a wedding ring to identify yourself as married?



Kgs-95 said:


> When I talked to the guy in the morning I asked him if we had sex he said yeah. I asked him what happened and how it happened, he just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was married and I don't how this happened. He apologized and said he isn't going to tell anyone and that was the end of the conversation. He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


Tell your husband what happened. Tell him who the guy is. Your husband may be able to persuade him to tell him what happened but encourage him not to do anything that will get him arrested. Beating that guy up won't undo what happened.


----------



## Young at Heart

DamianDamian said:


> All you people saying she shouldn't tell her husband - *personally I think you're the worst kind of scum.* Cheating and *not telling is a far worse crime* than being honest, people like you have no marriage and no closeness.
> 
> *The people saying this is rape are sexist and stupid*. She'd know if it was rape. The guy was probably just as wasted as her.


People have free will. Life is full of temptations. Sometimes a lie can be a better course of action (I will explain later). As such, she is free to make her own choices and live with them. 

In my response to the OP, I said she had a choice of telling him or not telling him and provided her with what I thought were the pro's and con's of that choice. I don't consider myself scum for doing that.

As to "rape" as a 73 year old man, I grew up with one definition of "rape." That definition involved physical violence and force. Later, society included "date rape" and non-violent coercion within the definition of "rape." Today's definition of "rape" is much more complex and is all about informed and continued consent. I thank God that I am not in my lated teens or early 20's and dating. The whole "check on consent prior to and during all phases of sexual intercourse" would be very hard for me to do, but it is required today in many places if one wants to be a legal and moral person. Still today's definition of "rape" is today's definition. However, what can be proved in a court of law is much more difficult than today's social definition of rape and charges of rape and filing false police reports would be heavy considerations.

The woman OP says she knows she did wrong and is not going to claim rape. I applaud her for her courage and moral stand, but not for her judgement on the night in question.

Now let's discuss your point about "not telling is a far worse crime." Let's pretend for a moment that the woman's husband has an anger management problem and is prone to violence. Telling him the truth could get the woman or the other man seriously hurt. I doubt that is the case, but in such a situation, not telling him might be the better course of action. Of course leaving him might be the best course of action.

The OP knows her husband and his potential reaction best. As I pointed out to her there are many different ways her husband could react and she needs to think about them as part of her "free will" decision on what to tell or not tell her husband. 

She has already done a number of things "beside sex with another man" that would destroy many marriages. (Drinking and flirting with other men in a bar, inviting men home to drink and flirt at a place she has rented, continuing to drink to excess with other men, doing drugs......) I don't see a lie of omission (if she can handle the consequences) as anything much more destructive (or a worse crime) to her marriage than what she has already done. Hopefully, she will have learned from all of her mistakes and not repeat any of those mistakes ever again.

Again, she has "free will" and gets to choose her actions. But she also has to live with the consequences of her actions. My heart goes out more to the husband than the OP. The God I believe in teaches repentance and the forgiveness of sins.

I don't think of myself as scum, but* I hope that if* the OP doesn't tell her husband what happened, that she stays strong, lives with her guilt, hides her guilt to her husband, and pushes herself to become the best wife a man could ever have.


----------



## Megaforce

Jamieboy said:


> How can she be willing if unconscious? Its impossible for a man to be so wasted he doesn't know what he's doing and still be able to get it up. That's why it doesn't work the other way round.
> 
> Sorry buddy you're wrong


Research this re ability to get an erection when pretty intoxicated. It definitely can and has happened. There are cases where a female has stimulated a really drunk guy and had sex with him. Not that uncommon.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> It is called oxymorphone


Find safer friends. Those friends are dangerous to be around and you shouldn't trust them to make good choices.


----------



## Megaforce

The advice not to tell does not consider the STD risk to the husband. That is pretty unconscionable, IMO.


----------



## oldshirt

blackclover3 said:


> get the truth - she took drug and was unaware of what happened and found herself naked. the police will not hold anything against him but will take his version of the story and her friend's version of the story. not a covered-up version by both


the problem with this is she is standing here saying she was NOT raped.

for her to make a report that she was raped would be making a false report which is not only a criminal offense for which she could be held criminally liable, but if it turns out from any of the other people at the party that she consensually engaged in sexual activity AT THE TIME he could even sue her civilly.


----------



## Rus47

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I agree there are a lot of unknowns and it would be very difficult to prove anything deliberate at this point, but the benefit of reporting it to the police is that there might have been other complaints about the same guy. If her reaction to the alcohol and drugs wasn't what she was expecting, it's possible he added something to what she was drinking at some point. GHB, for example, can both knock a person out and cause amnesia.


I would imagine when OP tells her husband ( hopefully ASAP ) the story, he will *demand* that she file charges as condition of staying with her. He will *demand* to know the man's name and the names of all of the people at the scene before, during, and after. The guy knew they had sex, and asked her what was wrong. Then he has the [email protected] to try contacting her on SM. She has to tell her husband about this as well. 

If OP refuses to file charges, or tell husband the name of the perp, she is telling him she values the OM more than her husband. So his natural response will be to see it as a ONS that she willingly participated in, and file for divorce post haste, after he gets an STI panel to see if he has a fatal disease.

Her husband is going to go full bore at doing maximum damage to OM and any friends who facilitated or watched. Whether she files charges or not.


----------



## Diana7

Rus47 said:


> Especially when any illegal pill today could be laced with fentenyl. 100,000 dead this year.


Agreed. It's dicing with death to take illegal drugs.


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> when will you tell your husband?
> have you had sex with him since that incident?


Probably this weekend and yes.


----------



## Diana7

Rus47 said:


> I would imagine when OP tells her husband ( hopefully ASAP ) the story, he will *demand* that she file charges as condition of staying with her. He will *demand* to know the man's name and the names of all of the people at the scene before, during, and after. The guy knew they had sex, and asked her what was wrong. Then he has the [email protected] to try contacting her on SM. She has to tell her husband about this as well.
> 
> If OP refuses to file charges, or tell husband the name of the perp, she is telling him she values the OM more than her husband. So his natural response will be to see it as a ONS that she willingly participated in, and file for divorce post haste, after he gets an STI panel to see if he has a fatal disease.
> 
> Her husband is going to go full bore at doing maximum damage to OM and any friends who facilitated or watched.


We can't know what he will do. Everyone is different in how they react.


----------



## Diana7

Kgs-95 said:


> Probably this weekend and yes.


Ok so vital you tell him asap so you can avoid sex again until tests have been done.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> Probably this weekend and yes.


you kidding, you had sex with him risking him getting STD


----------



## ConanHub

Megaforce said:


> Research this re ability to get an erection when pretty intoxicated. It definitely can and has happened. There are cases where a female has stimulated a really drunk guy and had sex with him. Not that uncommon.


Good gravy I hate that this is the tone this thread is taking.

I will back this up. A coworker took advantage of me years ago and I don't remember much aside from the fact that my equipment was functioning.


----------



## Anastasia6

Megaforce said:


> There is definitely a statute of limitations.


Yes but it isn't a few months. Most states it's measured in years


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> the problem with this is she is standing here saying she was NOT raped.


Here's an article by some lawyers worth reading about how one state views situations like this. At the very least, it's a pretty sleazy thing to do. Can anything be proven at this point? Probably not. The fact that she took illegal drugs and might be asked about that by the police might be a good reason not to report it.

What will ultimately matter is how responsible her husband believes she is for what happened. That different people here are seeing things differently suggests that it might be hard to predict how he'll react or what he'll believe.


----------



## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> I would imagine when OP tells her husband ( hopefully ASAP ) the story, he will *demand* that she file charges as condition of staying with her. He will *demand* to know the man's name and the names of all of the people at the scene before, during, and after. The guy knew they had sex, and asked her what was wrong. Then he has the [email protected] to try contacting her on SM. She has to tell her husband about this as well.
> 
> If OP refuses to file charges, or tell husband the name of the perp, she is telling him she values the OM more than her husband. So his natural response will be to see it as a ONS that she willingly participated in, and file for divorce post haste, after he gets an STI panel to see if he has a fatal disease.
> 
> Her husband is going to go full bore at doing maximum damage to OM and any friends who facilitated or watched. Whether she files charges or not.


You’re assuming she will tell him she was raped. 

So far what she has told us here is that she was NOT raped. It’s a group of posters here that are crying rape, not the OP herself.

Yes if my wife came home from partying all weekend and told me she was raped, I would say ok let’s get a lawyer and contact the police. And if she were to say no let’s just forget the whole thing and carry on, then I would assume she just had a drunken party hook up and was trying to weasel out of it.

But the OP is not saying that. She says she cannot remember the details but that does not mean she was raped or was incapacitated.

for all we know she was dancing on the table in nothing more than a g-string and a pair of high heels shouting, “come and get it boys, let’s party!!!!! 🎊

That’s bad behavior, but it’s not rape.

if she explains it to the BH like she has here and takes responsibility for her actions, he may be pissed and he may even ultimately choose to divorce her.

But if she keeps the rape story out of it and just keeps to the facts, he will probably just see it as her getting drunk and cheating and will judge it on those merits.


----------



## Rus47

oldshirt said:


> You’re assuming she will tell him she was raped.
> 
> So far what she has told us here is that she was NOT raped. It’s a group of posters here that are crying rape, not the OP herself.
> 
> Yes if my wife came home from partying all weekend and told me she was raped, I would say ok let’s get a lawyer and contact the police. And if she were to say no let’s just forget the whole thing and carry on, then I would assume she just had a drunken party hook up and was trying to weasel out of it.
> 
> But the OP is not saying that. She says she cannot remember the details but that does not mean she was raped or was incapacitated.
> 
> for all we know she was dancing on the table in nothing more than a g-string and a pair of high heels shouting, “come and get it boys, let’s party!!!!! 🎊
> 
> That’s bad behavior, but it’s not rape.
> 
> if she explains it to the BH like she has here and takes responsibility for her actions, he may be pissed and he may even ultimately choose to divorce her.
> 
> But if she keeps the rape story out of it and just keeps to the facts, he will probably just see it as her getting drunk and cheating and will judge it on those merits.


I am saying if she tells him what she wrote here he will tell her to file charges. If she refuses he will assume a ONS, file for divorce.


----------



## Kgs-95

ConanHub said:


> You're fortunate you even woke up. Could have put you to sleep for good.


I didn't know it was so potent. It was very stupid.


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> Probably this weekend and yes.


What a NY present 😐


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> you kidding, you had sex with him risking him getting STD


I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


----------



## Kgs-95

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not buying one bit of your story, but perhaps your husband will.


I see no reason to lie to anonymous people on the internet about what happened


----------



## Enigmatic

Kgs-95 said:


> Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. *We were all drinking* but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and *my friend and I took something*. *I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do* and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but *he wasnt any help*. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.


They were both drinking.
They both took something.
Neither of them, it seems, can remember the details of what happened.
Based on this, it's equally likely that he raped her OR she raped him OR they mutually thought it was a good idea. 

She planned for a weekend of partying.
Rented a house rather than stay with relatives.
Invited friends, including the guy, back to said house.
Imbibed in lots of alcohol and drugs both at the bar and once back at the house.

Not exactly the stuff faithful wives are made of.


----------



## Diana7

Kgs-95 said:


> I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


Its not unlikely that you have caught an std, so please get tested.


----------



## Rus47

Enigmatic said:


> Rented a house rather than stay with relatives.


Rented house for her and her husband who couldnt comr due to work commitments. Oh if she had only cancelled her plans too😐


----------



## Teacherwifemom

Kgs-95 said:


> I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


I feel for you. I really do. I’m not trying to pile on. But I think that if I found out my spouse did this and then slept with me after, that would be what put me over the edge. Not even because of STD’s. It’s the emotional, personal part. So be prepared for that. And some motherly advice…and I’m no goody two shoes…but please, no more pills. I (separately) know 3 women very well who lost their young adult kids by just popping a pill at a party. Nice middle class young adults. Not drug users. Just hanging with their friends or at a party. You cannot imagine what that does to a mother, and everyone else who loves them. For the rest of their lives. Every single day. I wish you both strength through this and I hope you two can work through this.


----------



## uwe.blab

Trdd said:


> Judging by your postcount here, you spend all day every day on the internet but that doesn't mean you know jack s*** about legal consent and rape. I am not thread jacking this is a relevant issue that her husband is going to face if she describes what happened as she described it here. She said she blacked out and has no memory of what happened. Every man I know would feel like she was taken advantage of in that situation. Or they might think she was lying. If they believed her, all of us would want that guy's head. And the law says that they may deserve it.


If my wife told me her story the way the OP laid it out I would definitely be calling the police. Would I be upset about the partying and hanging out with guys, etc? hell yes.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> You’re assuming she will tell him she was raped.
> 
> So far what she has told us here is that she was NOT raped. It’s a group of posters here that are crying rape, not the OP herself.


The people assuming that here are doing so because of the details provided, not because she said it happened. Her husband could do the same, even if she doesn't say she was.

If my wife came home from a party with friends over a weekend and told me she woke up naked next to a guy she barely knows and doesn't remember anything, and that seemed really out of character for her, I might assume the guy took advantage of her while she was unable to consent or was unconscious. Men do have sex with unconscious women against their will. On the other hand, she also did a lot of risky and stupid stuff to leave herself in that vulnerable situation and there is likely no way to prove anything illegal happened at this point.



oldshirt said:


> But the OP is not saying that. She says she cannot remember the details but that does not mean she was raped or was incapacitated.


That she can't remember anything and was still messed up in the morning suggests serious impairment at the time. How impaired? The people who think she may have been sexually assaulted are assuming she was very impaired or unconscious and was incapable of giving consent. The people who don't assume she went along with it and then forgot what happened. None of us know for sure, not even the OP, but I bet the guy wasn't nearly as intoxicated as she was if he wasn't also messed up in the morning. Of course she impaired herself. which was a really bad move around a man she didn't now while her friends were also impaired. So people may hold her responsible for putting herself in that situation, too.



oldshirt said:


> for all we know she was dancing on the table in nothing more than a g-string and a pair of high heels shouting, “come and get it boys, let’s party!!!!! 🎊
> 
> That’s bad behavior, but it’s not rape.


For all we know, he could have had sex with her while she was unconscious. If she was unconscious, would you consider that rape? No, we can't be certain that's how it happened but also can't be certain it's not how it happened. She can't remember what happened and the guy who tagged along wasn't providing any. We're all making assumptions about what we think most likely happened.



oldshirt said:


> But if she keeps the rape story out of it and just keeps to the facts, he will probably just see it as her getting drunk and cheating and will judge it on those merits.


A fair number of people have all looked at the same facts here and come up with a variety of opinions about it here. That suggests there are many ways he could interpret this depending on how responsible he holds her for what happened and which details he focuses on.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I didn't know it was so potent. It was very stupid.


Yes. And it should make you not only question our own judgement but the friends who supplied it to you.


----------



## sideways

Kgs-95 said:


> I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


I'm assuming you didn't have protected sex with your husband, correct????

I have to say, your decision process is horrible!!!

Just because you've "never had an STD" does NOT mean $h!t!!!!

If I was your husband, and you tell me what happened this weekend, and that we just had unprotected sex.......that would be the nail in the coffin for me.

I mean WTF are you thinking????


----------



## uwe.blab

Shocking how many people here know little to nothing about rape. Wow.


----------



## Enigmatic

Rus47 said:


> Rented house for her and her husband who couldnt comr due to work commitments. Oh if she had only cancelled her plans too😐


Yet the house was big enough for several of her friends to stay over so, at a minimum, she quickly pivoted from the original plan to a party house.


----------



## Enigmatic

I am pretty sure that if a husband went out of town without his wife, partied it up at a bar and then brought a bunch of "friends," including single women, back to the house he rented, where he proceeded to drink some more and pop some pills, and then woke up the next morning naked with one of said single women in bed with him, no one here would be thinking he'd been raped. 

I guess OP is lucky that sexism is alive and well.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rus47 said:


> She was raped. Full stop. Her husband should help her through this.


She may have raped the other guy. If he was too wasted to also give consent then it would only be fair to charge both or neither.


----------



## Tdbo

Kgs-95 said:


> It is called oxymorphone


I don't know the OP's size, however one of those alone........
She was out for the count.
Ask me how I know. The drug I took only once and refused to take again (and, yes, it was prescribed by a Dr.,after a surgery.)
Factor in mass quantities of alcohol as well......
She's lucky she woke up at all.
Perhaps she was taken advantage of.
However, this is far from a free pass.
This was of her own making.
The judgement demonstrated here on the OP's part is stunning.
Whether it is poor or purposeful, it really is inexcusable.
I sincerely hope all comes out okay for her.
However, it looks really bad.
If she's given a second chance, I hope for her sake she learns a plethora of lessons, and makes the most of the grace given by her husband.


----------



## oldshirt

QuestionAssumptions said:


> The people assuming that here are doing so because of the details provided, not because she said it happened. Her husband could do the same, even if she doesn't say she was.
> 
> If my wife came home from a party with friends over a weekend and told me she woke up naked next to a guy she barely knows and doesn't remember anything, and that seemed really out of character for her, I might assume the guy took advantage of her while she was unable to consent or was unconscious. Men do have sex with unconscious women against their will. On the other hand, she also did a lot of risky and stupid stuff to leave herself in that vulnerable situation and there is likely no way to prove anything illegal happened at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> That she can't remember anything and was still messed up in the morning suggests serious impairment at the time. How impaired? The people who think she may have been sexually assaulted are assuming she was very impaired or unconscious and was incapable of giving consent. The people who don't assume she went along with it and then forgot what happened. None of us know for sure, not even the OP, but I bet the guy wasn't nearly as intoxicated as she was if he wasn't also messed up in the morning. Of course she impaired herself. which was a really bad move around a man she didn't now while her friends were also impaired. So people may hold her responsible for putting herself in that situation, too.
> 
> 
> 
> For all we know, he could have had sex with her while she was unconscious. If she was unconscious, would you consider that rape? No, we can't be certain that's how it happened but also can't be certain it's not how it happened. She can't remember what happened and the guy who tagged along wasn't providing any. We're all making assumptions about what we think most likely happened.
> 
> 
> 
> A fair number of people have all looked at the same facts here and come up with a variety of opinions about it here. That suggests there are many ways he could interpret this depending on how responsible he holds her for what happened and which details he focuses on.



without getting into too much detail to infringe upon my own privacy and anonymity, let me just say that I administer narcotics and sedation medication on a daily basis.

many narcotics including alcohol can have an amnesiac effect where people truly do not have memory of certain times and events that took place while under the influence of those drugs.

HOWEVER - they can be completely conscious and aware of their surroundings and situation and can have seemingly normal conversations and interactions AT THE TIME.

In other words they can appear normal and in control of their faculties.

rape laws (including the article you linked) have catch phrases like “reasonably assumed” and “knowingly..”. Etc etc

in other words, the perpetrator has to be reasonably aware that the other person is incapacitated or that a reasonable, average citizen would have the sense to see that the person in question was not competent to give adequate consent.

a person under the influence of various narcotics may appear to the average person to be of adequate functioning.

…….and don’t think that every defense lawyer in the world does not know that.

a prosecuter does not have to prove a person was drunk or high or that they cannot remember the incident.

A prosecuter has to show beyond a reasonable doubt that the perpetrator KNEW or should have reasonably expected the other person to be incapable of giving consent but made a conscious choice to fck them anyway.

that is actually a pretty high bar to meet when dealing with drugs and alcohol in otherwise normal and healthy people who know each other and are partying together and inviting each other back to their houses from the bar.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> They woke up next to each other.


yes and


----------



## oldshirt

uwe.blab said:


> If my wife told me her story the way the OP laid it out I would definitely be calling the police. Would I be upset about the partying and hanging out with guys, etc? hell yes.


those of you guys saying that YOU would call the police if your wife came home with that story, you’d need to think about who the primary witness(s) would be and what testimony they would provide.

criminal trials can be conducted without victim testimony if there is enough physical and photographic evidence and other eyewitness testimony.

But in a drunken party situation with people that are all known to each other and the supposed “victim” stands there and says, no I was not raped and the other people in the house didn’t witness anything ,,,, Well let’s just say that case won’t go very far.


----------



## Anastasia6

The guy wasn't so wasted her couldn't remember. He is the one that verified they had sex.


----------



## frenchpaddy

ConanHub said:


> Actually, OP shouldn't have been getting wasted with single dudes. Judgement seemed to fly out the window that night.


yes as I said in my first post she needs to rethink her lifestyle and her so called friends , 
she made a stupid mistake she is 100 % responsible for her mistakes but her friend that put her to bed knowing she could not go herself should have looked after her more which was not taken away from the fact the op has to pay fully for her mistakes , but part of the rebuilding now is first tell the husband what happened without doing what we all do when in court spin doctor a bit , she all so need to thinking about drinking and drug use , she has to think about not putting herself in party's and bars when this can go so wrong , and she needs to pick her friends better they all so done the pub thing and think drugs is good idea ,


----------



## Jamieboy

I'm not saying she was raped, I don't know, OP has not outright said she wasn't raped, which could be telling. However certain things stick out that make it shady. For starters, the OM knew that they had had sex. So he has recall of the previous night. 

Also OP said she was put to bed alone by her friends, and woke up next to this guy. So it's fair to assume that since OM was less impaired than OP, he made the moves on her.

My first post asked if OP had flirted etc with the guy earlier on in the evening, which she has not answered. So there is reasonable suspicion in my mind that we're being trickle truthed. 

So at the moment any and all possibilities are still on the table for me. 

The view of many so called relationship experts is to not confess. Not to get away with it, but to save the pain it will inflict on her husband.


----------



## ConanHub

uwe.blab said:


> Shocking how many people here know little to nothing about rape. Wow.


You have me blocked apparently but I know a hell of a lot about it. Went through it for years as a child, saw it happen to my mom and stopped a man when I was 14 from doing it to my sister.

Maybe cut your crap.

It's a dead end for this thread and OP isn't pursuing that path.


----------



## oldshirt

Enigmatic said:


> I am pretty sure that if a husband went out of town without his wife, partied it up at a bar and then brought a bunch of "friends," including single women, back to the house he rented, where he proceeded to drink some more and pop some pills, and then woke up the next morning naked with one of said single women in bed with him, no one here would be thinking he'd been raped.
> 
> I guess OP is lucky that sexism is alive and well.


What’s ironic is she is trying to take accountability and responsibility for her actions and a number of people aren’t letting her.

as I said earlier in the thread, if we are supposed to believe women when they say they were raped, should we not believe them when they say they were not?

Do we really want women to have agency and responsibility over their own lives, bodies and sexualities or do we not???


----------



## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> Good gravy I hate that this is the tone this thread is taking.
> 
> I will back this up. A coworker took advantage of me years ago and I don't remember much aside from the fact that my equipment was functioning.


There are some here that seem intent on infantilizing women and men must be accountable no matter what state of mind he's in.

Anyone familiar with your story would know how ridiculous this is.

Sorry you went through this.


----------



## Kgs-95

I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience. 

In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Jamieboy said:


> I'm not saying she was raped, I don't know, OP has not outright said she wasn't raped, which could be telling. However certain things stick out that make it shady. For starters, the OM knew that they had had sex. So he has recall of the previous night.


true agreed 


Jamieboy said:


> Also OP said she was put to bed alone by her friends,


again yes and she should have stayed or kicked out everyone ,


Jamieboy said:


> and woke up next to this guy. So it's fair to assume that since OM was less impaired than OP, he made the moves on he


again true 


Jamieboy said:


> My first post asked if OP had flirted etc with the guy earlier on in the evening, which she has not answered. So there is reasonable suspicion in my mind that we're being trickle truthed.


agreed and she went drinking any way and did the drugs all so stupid move 


Jamieboy said:


> The view of many so called relationship experts is to not confess. Not to get away with it, but to save the pain it will inflict on her husband.


there is truth in this but the husband seems to have an idea something went on and with the two fiends now all so knowing it can come be dropped on their table at any time if the so called friends fall out


----------



## Diana7

uwe.blab said:


> Shocking how many people here know little to nothing about rape. Wow.


Because they disagree with you?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Anastasia6 said:


> The guy wasn't so wasted her couldn't remember. He is the one that verified they had sex.


I thought she said he wasn't much help and she didn't know for sure.

Did I miss this?


----------



## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> yes and


So he didn't get up and leave.


----------



## ConanHub

Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience.
> 
> In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


I believe you love your husband. It seems you maybe trusted the wrong group? You definitely didn't exercise good judgement though.

I'm pretty intolerant of infidelity but even I might be able to get through a situation like yours if my wife found herself in your shoes.


----------



## uwe.blab

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not buying one bit of your story, but perhaps your husband will.





Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience.
> 
> In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


No one would believe it anyway. Sad, but true. 

You were passed out and this guy went in the room and 'woke' you up and f***ed ( raped) you. That is undoubtedly what happened. Happens every day on college campuses all over the world. 

This is not 'infantizing' women.


----------



## frenchpaddy

oldshirt said:


> What’s ironic is she is trying to take accountability and responsibility for her actions and a number of people aren’t letting her.
> 
> as I said earlier in the thread, if we are supposed to believe women when they say they were raped, should we not believe them when they say they were not?
> 
> Do we really want women to have agency and responsibility over their own lives, bodies and sexualities or do we not???


there is no way I could call this rape , he may have taken advantage of her he may have even banged a sleeping woman , but she made many mistakes before she was put to bed ,


----------



## Jamieboy

Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience.
> 
> In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


I'm sorry I missed that, did you even find this guy attractive? As you say, no point lying to a bunch Internet strangers. 

I ask because it will inform which side I come down on with regards to confess or not. Unlike a lot here, I don't feel the need to up end your husbands entire life because you made a huge mistake, as long as you use the experience to be a better life partner and have no desire or intention of repeating it. 

Unpopular opinion in these parts but hey its the Internet and u can speak my truth


----------



## oldshirt

lifeistooshort said:


> I thought she said he wasn't much help and she didn't know for sure.
> 
> Did I miss this?


min her first post she initially said she asked him about what happened and she said, “he wasn’t of much help” or something like that.

min a later post she said he did confirm that they had had sex.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> So he didn't get up and leave.


it is ok di i am able keep up


----------



## uwe.blab

Diana7 said:


> Because they disagree with you?


No, because they do not know much, or anything, about rape. Surprising. 

Rape is not some stranger climbing through your window in the middle of the night.


----------



## frenchpaddy

uwe.blab said:


> No, because they do not know much, or anything, about rape. Surprising.
> 
> Rape is not some stranger climbing through your window in the middle of the night.


 we know well what rape is and you trying to take this topic off topic is a pain go make a new topic and tell us all about what rape is , after all only 1 in 2 women are said to be raped at some time in their life ,


----------



## Kgs-95

Jamieboy said:


> I'm sorry I missed that, did you even find this guy attractive? As you say, no point lying to a bunch Internet strangers.
> 
> I ask because it will inform which side I come down on with regards to confess or not. Unlike a lot here, I don't feel the need to up end your husbands entire life because you made a huge mistake, as long as you use the experience to be a better life partner and have no desire or intention of repeating it.
> 
> Unpopular opinion in these parts but hey its the Internet and u can speak my truth


He is attractive


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Kgs-95 said:


> Probably this weekend and yes.


You're doing the right thing. If he found out you hid it from him in the future the odds of him forgiving you are seriously diminished and the fact that other people know makes the odds of him finding out pretty good. The guy trying to friend you on Facebook is evidence of that.

Not telling him before you had sex will be an issue, count on it, and don't be upset about it. It doesn't look good that he is usually with you and the first chance he's not, this happened. I experienced something similar trip-wise (w/o the sex) and it's tough to get over the deceit and secrecy as soon as you're not around. It will leave him with a lot of questions.

I wish you the best in this and 100% honesty will be your best bet for any positive resolution.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kgs-95 said:


> He is attractive


and today do you still think so or do you think he is a ****, 
don't tell your husband if you want to feel good yourself by unloading your guilt , you hold all the cards and your in a very high stakes porker game , if i was husband i would be up if my wife came home and told me your story , now my wife was raped and for years and still 30 years later I am happy I don't know who the guy was , but your story would hurt me for the rest of my life and i would demand you change you r ways, friends , a lot less drink and no drugs


----------



## Jamieboy

Kgs-95 said:


> He is attractive


Thank you for the honest response, can I ask a couple more probing questions.

Is the OM out of your league to use a turn of phrase. I'm trying to understand your possible motivation here. 

Also how is your self esteem in general 

I'm still not sure you should confess, it all happened a long way from home so chances of getting found out are lower.


----------



## Beach123

She should confess - her husband has a right to know. That’s called honesty within the marriage. 
his health has also been put at risk so yes, tell - the sooner the better. 
HE will then have decisions to make about her behavior, their history and their future. It may take a long time for him to make a decision.


----------



## Kgs-95

frenchpaddy said:


> and today do you still think so or do you think he is a ****,
> don't tell your husband if you want to feel good yourself by unloading your guilt , you hold all the cards and your in a very high stakes porker game , if i was husband i would be up if my wife came home and told me your story , now my wife was raped and for years and still 30 years later I am happy I don't know who the guy was , but your story would hurt me for the rest of my life and i would demand you change you r ways, friends , a lot less drink and no drugs


He isn't bad looking but I don't have any attraction towards him. I don't really know what to think of him. I'm suspicious of him and never want to see him again. I am never doing drugs again.


----------



## Kgs-95

Jamieboy said:


> Thank you for the honest response, can I ask a couple more probing questions.
> 
> Is the OM out of your league to use a turn of phrase. I'm trying to understand your possible motivation here.
> 
> Also how is your self esteem in general
> 
> I'm still not sure you should confess, it all happened a long way from home so chances of getting found out are lower.


Not out of my league no. I think my self esteem is fine and normal levels.


----------



## Anastasia6

lifeistooshort said:


> I thought she said he wasn't much help and she didn't know for sure.
> 
> Did I miss this?





Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. *I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. *There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


----------



## Jamieboy

Kgs-95 said:


> Not out of my league no. I think my self esteem is fine and normal levels.


In that case, and based on your level of revulsion for what you have done. My opinion for what it's worth is to keep quiet if you can rely on your friends. Only an STD could undo you after that.


----------



## Exit37

Kgs-95 said:


> I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


Well, if I was your husband and found out you had sex with me after having unprotected sex with another man just a couple days earlier, that would be the end of the line. You cheated, then exposed him to possible STDs, just because you didn't want to do the right thing. You are batting 0.00 here, OP.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway.


Care to share what you think happened? It will definitely help with advice you're getting.

As @ConanHub said earlier, I also have little to no tolerance for infidelity but as per your recounting of the events, I really feel for you and think you have a good chance of having a decent outcome if you offer 100% honesty and do whatever your husband needs to come to grips with this for as long as it takes.

You definitely made some very bad choices but you are taking accountability for them (here) and you seem to have the right mindset to help your husband deal with this.


----------



## oldshirt

[


Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience.
> 
> In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


@Kgs-95 

I believe your account and believe you are sincerely regretful about this.

All this rape vs not rape rhetoric will probably go on until the mods step in and crack the whip and delete a bunch of posts and maybe even hand out a few timeouts.

mbut let’s get back to the task at hand of going forward.

this is probably a trauma to you and you are very likely filled with a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions, and at the very least will be a very big threat to your marriage and perhaps even a threat to your friendships and relationships with your old friends.

my recommendations are as I said before all the brouhaha got into full gear.

i think step #1 should be STI testing and follow their recommendations on sexual activity and follow up testing.

I also recommend seeking counselor or therapist to help you sort out the baggage and get some objective, professional advice and guidance on where to go from here.

I also urge you to do some soul-searching and be honest with yourself on what role and impact drugs and alcohol have in your life and be honest with yourself if you may need some drug/alcohol counseling as well.

Many of the people here are here because their partner cheated on them and so they become very reactive to any cases of infidelity and want all wayward spouses to immediately disclose every detail and then tar and feather themselves and banish themselves to Siberia.

I’m not sure that is always the best first immediate step.

there are many pros and cons and risks and benefits to disclosure that I believe need to be weighed and if the decision is made to disclose, it should be mindful and and with clear purpose.

I will concede that the risk will go up the longer one waits and if there is a chance the BH will find out, the longer you wait, the more negative his response.

the decision to not disclose would also need to be mindful and purposeful and based on how well you can bury your guilt and continue to treat your well and not let your guilt and fear drive you to treat him badly, as well as your ability to cover the truth.

the more psychopathic and sociopathic you are, the better you will be at hiding it.

the more human you are, the harder it will be on you as well as him.

Whether you disclose or not disclose, there will be fallout and ramification. Both will be hard and have fallout.

choose your hard and choose which fallout you can live long term with the best.

Assuming you choose to disclose, I believe he will be more likely to collaborate and be understanding if you take affirmative and positive steps towards addressing these issues . 
i advocate seeing a counselor/therapist and sorting out your own internal baggage and seek professional guidance on how to disclose this and perhaps even disclose at the therapists office with therapist/counselor present.

Licensed Marital counselors/therapist deal with stuff like this every day and have been trained to deal with this and IMHO will be more helpful than a bunch of monkeys throwing poop at each other who can’t even agree on what rape is.

You and your H seem like nice people. I hope for peace and well being for you both.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Now that I've read this thread in its entirety I think OP is just another run if the mill cheater. She had a ONS and had to come up with a excuse to try and get sympathy from her husband.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> He may have been out of it and she took advantage of the guy.


See, many people still are hooked to the remnants of the line of thinking that females cannot be predatory or abusive. These folks, instantly, assume that the male is always the aggressor. 
From my experience, when I was young , playing college basketball, in crazy good shape and pretty good looking, I can tell you that many women were very, very sexually aggressive. My ass got grabbed in bars and at parties etc. Girls would slip notes under my dorm door seeking relations.
It is very possible that the guy in this case was just as intoxicated and allegedly incapable of consenting. Yet certain dinosaurs are unwilling to face the fact of the female having as great or greater a sex drive as a male.
Many guys seem threatened or intimidated when faced with the reality that the female, particularly after age 35, has greater stamina, drive, capability etc. than many middle aged guys. Women can have multiple orgasms. They require no recovery time between sessions. They can accommodate multiple partners etc.
So, this consent when intoxicated deal is thought to only apply to men when it she applied without regard to gender.


----------



## Kgs-95

Rubix Cubed said:


> Care to share what you think happened? It will definitely help with advice you're getting.
> 
> As @ConanHub said earlier, I also have little to no tolerance for infidelity but as per your recounting of the events, I really feel for you and think you have a good chance of having a decent outcome if you offer 100% honesty and do whatever your husband needs to come to grips with this for as long as it takes.
> 
> You definitely made some very bad choices but you are taking accountability for them (here) and you seem to have the right mindset to help your husband deal with this.


I think he came in when I was already in bed and out of it. Those pills are very strong and I doubt I got back up but maybe. I just don't really know one way or another.


----------



## Megaforce

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


WTF are you doing? Taking an opiate these days is insane with fentanyl out there being mixed in. That is a death wish.
My son has overdosed multiple times now.


----------



## mickybill

Kgs-95 said:


> He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


Dude...really?
People are so fncking stupid.


----------



## Megaforce

Trdd said:


> Can you even read? The law defining rape is no longer the same as it was 50 years ago. If she can't remember what happened, she likely was not in shape to give consent. That is a possible rape charge. Even if she said "yes, let's have sex" to the guy. I don't care whether you like that or not, that is the law in most states.
> 
> I did not say she _was_ raped or should _seek_ a rape charge. But this is relevant because when her husband hears the story, he's going to be a) devestated and b) want to find that guy or report him to the police. It's clear she put herself in a very bad situation and that none of her friends looked out for her, which I find horrible too. But all those things being what they are, unless she is not sharing something with us that she knows happened, she was not able to give legal consent if she had " blacked out". There are many cases of people being charged with rape for that very situation.


Start thinking outside the box. Are you under the impression that all cases involving intoxication relation to the consent issue can only go one way? Have you no experience with sexually aggressive women? They are out there. Look at some of the predatory teachers. Why always jump to conclude only drunk women are Inca of consent.
Guys that are young enough, testosterone laden can get erections when pretty bombed.


----------



## Exit37

mickybill said:


> Dude...really?
> People are so fncking stupid.


Yep. I understand why OP doesn't want to try to press charges, chances are very low that the POSOM will be charged, but he definitely needs to get his butt kicked. What a POS he is.


----------



## ConanHub

Kgs-95 said:


> I think he came in when I was already in bed and out of it. Those pills are very strong and I doubt I got back up but maybe. I just don't really know one way or another.


I'm definitely under the impression that he's not a great guy. He tried to get a contact with you on FB after you had expressed no memory of the event to him and that you didn't want it to happen because you were happily married. He said he understood and wouldn't talk about it. Given that he tried to contact you afterwards on FB, I wouldn't trust him.

He may have committed a crime but only he could testify against himself as no one else knows anything.

You might want to touch base with your friend group and see if he has had any issues with anyone else.

Regardless, he might not have committed a crime and you really didn't consent to cheating.

Your sin was drinking and doing hard drugs which set up the event.


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> well, again, the result of this is not any sort of intentional cheating on her part. You surely are not suggesting that she went without her husband so she could meet up and screw this guy. I am not asking her to hide it from her husband.
> 
> And for the record, the other guy 'wasn't any help' because he knows if he told her they had sex she would claim rape...because he knows what condition she was in when it happened.


And, exactly what condition was he in? This works both ways.


----------



## Jamieboy

Megaforce said:


> Start thinking outside the box. Are you under the impression that all cases involving intoxication relation to the consent issue can only go one way? Have you no experience with sexually aggressive women? They are out there. Look at some of the predatory teachers. Why always jump to conclude only drunk women are Inca of consent.
> Guys that are young enough, testosterone laden can get erections when pretty bombed.


A woman can be as sexually aggressive as she likes, but if I don't want to bang her, she ain't getting banged. Unless she's prepared to thumb in a softie


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> See, many people still are hooked to the remnants of the line of thinking that females cannot be predatory or abusive. These folks, instantly, assume that the male is always the aggressor.


I don't think that at all. Let's just say that my cousin wound up divorcing his first wife because his second wife targeted him, aggressively pursued him, and got pregnant and then was incredibly nasty at times to his children by his first wife, listening in on his conversations with them, etc. My assessment was based on the OP reporting that she didn't remember anything and felt really awful even the next morning while the OP remembered that they had sex. He also didn't think that was wrong but she did. That suggests to me that she was way more impaired than him and he had far more incentive to initiate than her. Don't and can't know for certain, but I think that's playing the odds based on what we've been told. I'm curious if the guy looked hung over or impaired the next morning or was he fine?


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped, no one would believe it anyway. It would not have happened if I didn't take a pill that that I knew nothing about. I know that. I will never know for sure what happened. I will never do drugs again after this experience.
> 
> In one of my comments I said we didn't flirt or anything. There was nothing like that going on at all.


It may be true that you don’t think you were raped, however before you jump to any conclusions you may want to consult with an attorney who has some level of expertise. So, TAM is not a good place to get advice on this issue. This, especially because you stated there was no flirting prior to you losing some consciousness. 

Aside from consulting a legal expert, I can see you have already been given salient advice on:

1. Coming clean about the entire set of events with your husband. I mean the fact that you willing consumed drugs and alcohol to excess. This is not an excuse, but it does speak to your character. He needs to be fully informed of who he married. 

2. Getting tested for STIs; just note that HIV, it may not be accurate for up to 90 days. So, you probably want to refrain from having any sexual intercourse for at least three months and then get tested again. Up to 1.2 M Americans have undetected HIV infection.


----------



## TAMAT

Given what you wrote, that the OM is decent looking and the fact that he was willing to have sex with an incapacitated woman, I would bet that he has had many sexual partners and is at a much higher risk of STDs. He clearly has no morals and will do horrific things to get sex.

It is imperative that you tell your BH as soon as possible, so as not to pass on HPV which can lead to deadly cancers of the mouth, genitals and anus. Since you do not know what happened OM may have had contact in all those places.

Look up HPV and Cancer.


----------



## Megaforce

Trdd said:


> Judging by your postcount here, you spend all day every day on the internet but that doesn't mean you know jack s*** about legal consent and rape. I am not thread jacking this is a relevant issue that her husband is going to face if she describes what happened as she described it here. She said she blacked out and has no memory of what happened. Every man I know would feel like she was taken advantage of in that situation. Or they might think she was lying. If they believed her, all of us would want that guy's head. And the law says that they may deserve it.


Ah, the KISA phenomenon. Time to grow up and catch up with modern women.


----------



## Megaforce

Trdd said:


> Of course, none of us know what actually happened. But she thinks the guy was only drinking and didn't take any drugs. If that is accurate, I would make the assumption that he was more responsible for what happened. He may have been completely drunk in which case there is a very good chance that he would not be guilty of a crime. However, you seem to be assuming that when she asked him what happened the next day and he doesn't have many details that he is telling the truth? What do you think the guy would say if he did take advantage of her blacking out? Do you think he would have come out and said "yeah I was kind of drunk and you were just out of it but I decided to have sex with you anyway".
> 
> And yes, being that the fact is that most people who are raped are women and those women are raped by men I do tend to think that we need to look out for women more than men in this regard. If she doesn't want to pursue this whole avenue, that's her choice. However, if I was her husband I would definitely be hot under the collar for this guy. And I would either want to take it in my own hands or I'd bring it to the cops if she continues to describe what happened like she wrote here in this thread. She needs to understand that this is probably how he will respond and be prepared for that. That is why this topic is relevant even if she chooses not to pursue any charges.


Actually, if you include the male prison population, men are raped more frequently.


----------



## Megaforce

Evinrude58 said:


> The guy was described as not that drink abs didn’t take drugs if I recall correctly. Definitely sounds as if he’s trash that deserves a beat down .


And, exactly how does she know what he took or the level of his intoxication ? See how this goes on cross examination: So, you were drunk and on opiates, right? And, despite being so impaired, you had your eyes on this guy the entire time and now recall exactly what he ingested, eh? But, now you claim to have been so impaired yourself that you could not even recall who you had sex with? Like shooting fish in a barrel.


----------



## Megaforce

SunCMars said:


> Simple, the person who gave her the opiate, stripped her naked, fondled her endlessly, and then stuck his hard penis in her, out-cold, lifeless body.
> 
> I can see this clearly.
> You cannot.
> 
> I have Martian based logic.
> It is unfailingly accurate.


Maybe you should apply Martian law, then.


----------



## sideways

Ikaika said:


> It may be true that you don’t think you were raped, however before you jump to any conclusions you may want to consult with an attorney who has some level of expertise. So, TAM is not a good place to get advice on this issue. This, especially because you stated there was no flirting prior to you losing some consciousness.
> 
> Aside from consulting a legal expert, I can see you have already been given salient advice on:
> 
> 1. Coming clean about the entire set of events with your husband. I mean the fact that you willing consumed drugs and alcohol to excess. This is not an excuse, but it does speak to your character. He needs to be fully informed of who he married.
> 
> 2. Getting tested for STIs; just note that HIV, it may not be accurate for up to 90 days. So, you probably want to refrain from having any sexual intercourse for at least three months and then get tested again. Up to 1.2 M Americans have undetected HIV infection.


She already said that she has had sex with her husband (unprotected and without telling him yet what happened) and she hasn't been tested yet for STD. Her reasoning was she "hasn't had an STD in the past and likely doesn't have one now".

SMDH.


----------



## Megaforce

blackclover3 said:


> no one took advantage of no one. she said she knew she was taking it. this is like saying a bar should be charged for people DUI?
> 
> Married Woman + Single Guys + Drinks + Drugs = sex ....simple equation that everyone knows.
> 
> why would a married woman agree to invite single guys to her rented place without her husband being there? there is a well deep down inside her for cheating but afraid to admit it.


Bars get sued for their patrons' DWIs all the time.,Most states have Dram Shop Acts.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

SunCMars said:


> Simple, the person who gave her the opiate, stripped her naked, [...]


Her *friend *gave her the extreme opiate pill that wiped her out. That guy followed her *friend *home. This happened in her hometown and she knew who the guy was and her friends likely do, too. To be honest, part of me wonders if her friends set her up for the guy.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think you need to tell your husband. He might be forgiving if you're honest about everything, especially since you were drugged. He might be pissed you took a pill but he might better understand how the guy ended up there.

First, these things have a way of rearing their head later on. If you don't tell him now and he finds out later it will be much worse.

Second, If the dirtbag is trying to contact you not online does it up the chance that your hb will find out, but you'll also need your hb as an ally is this guy bothers you.

There's a really good chance your hb is going to find out. Let him hear it from you now.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

Kgs-95 said:


> I have never had an STD and I highly doubt I have anything but I could be wrong. Didn't really want to reject my husband especially after what happened.


 O M effin G !!!


----------



## MattMatt

blackclover3 said:


> no one took advantage of no one. she said she knew she was taking it. this is like saying a bar should be charged for people DUI?
> 
> Married Woman + Single Guys + Drinks + Drugs = sex ....simple equation that everyone knows.
> 
> why would a married woman agree to invite single guys to her rented place without her husband being there? there is a well deep down inside her for cheating but afraid to admit it.


Bars *are* considered legally culpable under such circumstances. But this is straying from the point.


----------



## Megaforce

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes but it isn't a few months. Most states it's measured in years


True, I was just addressing the blanket statement re the statute and sexual assault.


----------



## Kgs-95

Amanhasnoname said:


> O M effin G !!!


That was probably stupid. I'm going to tell him this weekend and he can decide what he wants to do in that way. I've just never been very concerned about stds but this is different.


----------



## Exit37

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you need to tell your husband. He might be forgiving if you're honest about everything, especially since you were drugged. He might be pissed you took a pill but he might better understand how the guy ended up there.
> 
> First, these things have a way of rearing their head later on. If you don't tell him now and he finds out later it will be much worse.
> 
> Second, If the dirtbag is trying to contact you not online does it up the chance that your hb will find out, but you'll also need your hb as an ally is this guy bothers you.
> 
> There's a really good chance your hb is going to find out. Let him hear it from you now.


This is critical -- OP, if your husband finds out, or gets suspicious, before you come clean your chances of a positive outcome will go into the toilet. Given how the POSOM is acting I might not even wait until the weekend to talk with your husband. Good luck.


----------



## blackclover3

@Kgs-95 

Thank you for your honesty

I recommend not to wait until the weekend and new years eve. This day will be stamped in his head as the day you cheated on him @Kgs-95 . 

Do it now so it becomes in the past if he decides to move on or stay


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> Shocking how many people here know little to nothing about rape. Wow.


Indeed, yourself included. BTW, how did you like playing for Bobby Knight?


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> That was probably stupid. I'm going to tell him this weekend and he can decide what he wants to do in that way. I've just never been very concerned about stds but this is different.


You and your husband need to be tested now and 90 days from now for HIV.


----------



## Megaforce

Jamieboy said:


> A woman can be as sexually aggressive as she likes, but if I don't want to bang her, she ain't getting banged. Unless she's prepared to thumb in a softie


What if you are so intoxicated that your judgement of her attractiveness is inaccurate? Some guys, especially young guys, have really high T levels such that stimulation can override things.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Assuming your version of events is truthful, that guy would have to go deep into hiding if I Was your husband.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I don't think that at all. Let's just say that my cousin wound up divorcing his first wife because his second wife targeted him, aggressively pursued him, and got pregnant and then was incredibly nasty at times to his children by his first wife, listening in on his conversations with them, etc. My assessment was based on the OP reporting that she didn't remember anything and felt really awful even the next morning while the OP remembered that they had sex. He also didn't think that was wrong but she did. That suggests to me that she was way more impaired than him and he had far more incentive to initiate than her. Don't and can't know for certain, but I think that's playing the odds based on what we've been told. I'm curious if the guy looked hung over or impaired the next morning or was he fine?


Exactly and the standard is beyond a reasonable doubt. You have latched on to his remembering one detail as determinative that he was less impaired. This is quite a leap.


----------



## sideways

Kgs-95 said:


> That was probably stupid. I'm going to tell him this weekend and he can decide what he wants to do in that way. I've just never been very concerned about stds but this is different.


Listen, I can't speak for your husband (obviously), but if you were my wife, given everything you've described happened, I would be PI$$ED, however I'd more then likely be willing to try and work through it with you. 

However, not telling me about it, and then having unprotected sex with me and you haven't gone to get tested for STD? 

I couldn't get over this and that would be the end of our marriage. Nothing you said or tried to do would sway me. When you put my health at risk I just couldn't see you as a safe partner ever again.


----------



## Divinely Favored

uwe.blab said:


> well, again, the result of this is not any sort of intentional cheating on her part. You surely are not suggesting that she went without her husband so she could meet up and screw this guy. I am not asking her to hide it from her husband.
> 
> And for the record, the other guy 'wasn't any help' because he knows if he told her they had sex she would claim rape...because he knows what condition she was in when it happened.


Unless maybe he was worse off and she jumped him. She has culpability because she is responsible for happily creating the conditions for this to occur.


----------



## ConanHub

Tested_by_stress said:


> Assuming your version of events is truthful, that guy would have to go deep into hiding if I Was your husband.


With everything else that I've said, I'm 100% with this.

The guy was at least knowledgeable of her marital status and part of the friend group.

I can't actually discuss what I would do beyond having a very religious "conversation" with the man in question.


----------



## oldshirt

lifeistooshort said:


> He might be forgiving if you're honest about everything, especially since you were drugged. He might be pissed you took a pill but he might better understand how the guy ended up there.


I'm not necessarily disagreeing with your advice on her disclosing to her H but just wanted to say something about this statement for perspective. 

First off she was not "drugged," she willingly drank and took drugs. It's not that someone slipped her anything without her knowledge or consent. 

Not all guys see drinking and drugs as an excuse or are more forgiving because someone was drunk/high. 

I know most guys probably have different perspective on this than me but for me personally, I am much less forgiving for drunken and drugging stupidity than I am with sex per se. 

I would probably be much more harsh and unforgiving if my wife came home from a weekend bender saying she got drunk, brought some guys back to the house, took drugs and then woke up with a kootchie full of spew with some guy in bed next to her than if she said she met some hot, sexy guy on a weekend away and had a made the conscious, sober choice to have a fling. 

Obviously some guys here are willing to forgive the drunkeness, drugs and lack of judgement and will point the finger at the other guy and cry rape FOR her. 

To me, the drunkeness, illicit drug use and total lack of control and judgement are all compounding offenses that in totality are much worse than getting down with some hot guy in and of itself. 

I'm not excusing the infidelity and not saying that all would be well. And I am not saying that she should fabricate the truth and say that she made a sober choice. I am saying that for some people the alcohol, drugs and lack of judgement and control of one's faculties are additional and compounding offenses and not viewed as any kind of excuse or mitigating factors at all.


----------



## snowbum

How many partners have you had since you were married?


----------



## Kgs-95

sideways said:


> Listen, I can't speak for your husband (obviously), but if you were my wife, given everything you've described happened, I would be PI$$ED, however I'd more then likely be willing to try and work through it with you.
> 
> However, not telling me about it, and then having unprotected sex with me and you haven't gone to get tested for STD?
> 
> I couldn't get over this and that would be the end of our marriage. Nothing you said or tried to do would sway me. When you put my health at risk I just couldn't see you as a safe partner ever again.


I didn't really consider that part of it until I posted here but I get it.


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> How many partners have you had since you were married?


I had only been with my husband since we started dating until this incident.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> See, many people still are hooked to the remnants of the line of thinking that females cannot be predatory or abusive. These folks, instantly, assume that the male is always the aggressor.
> From my experience, when I was young , playing college basketball, in crazy good shape and pretty good looking, I can tell you that many women were very, very sexually aggressive. My ass got grabbed in bars and at parties etc. Girls would slip notes under my dorm door seeking relations.
> It is very possible that the guy in this case was just as intoxicated and allegedly incapable of consenting. Yet certain dinosaurs are unwilling to face the fact of the female having as great or greater a sex drive as a male.
> Many guys seem threatened or intimidated when faced with the reality that the female, particularly after age 35, has greater stamina, drive, capability etc. than many middle aged guys. Women can have multiple orgasms. They require no recovery time between sessions. They can accommodate multiple partners etc.
> So, this consent when intoxicated deal is thought to only apply to men when it she applied without regard to gender.


I have found out about sex with a girl because she was bragging to a friend about F"ing me. I have no recollection of the act with her. 

Another occasion i remember kissing another girl, but nothing else. Just saying I do not remember the night and was saying BS when her friend, who was there, said something about it. At the club a short time later the one in question got "ALL UP IN MY PERSONAL SPACE" I just said hey and walked toward the pool table area shaking my head WTF did I do? and vowing off mixing rum and white lightning.

I was very much an equal partner in the escapades but do not remember them


----------



## snowbum

3 years is barely married. Ic my spouse felt the need to go drugs, black out and screw I’d be done. You seriously F’d up your life


----------



## Vorpal

The OP asked for assistance. I'm sorry she is in the situation she is in, and decline to throw mud. The referenced article seems an adult way of addressing your situation. I wish you and your husband understanding and compassion, and the will and intelligence to take the steps that will bring you both peace. 









Why Some Couples Can Recover After Cheating and Others Can't


It's not going to be easy—but it IS possible.




www.self.com


----------



## lifeistooshort

oldshirt said:


> I'm not necessarily disagreeing with your advice on her disclosing to her H but just wanted to say something about this statement for perspective.
> 
> First off she was not "drugged," she willingly drank and took drugs. It's not that someone slipped her anything without her knowledge or consent.
> 
> Not all guys see drinking and drugs as an excuse or are more forgiving because someone was drunk/high.
> 
> I know most guys probably have different perspective on this than me but for me personally, I am much less forgiving for drunken and drugging stupidity than I am with sex per se.
> 
> I would probably be much more harsh and unforgiving if my wife came home from a weekend bender saying she got drunk, brought some guys back to the house, took drugs and then woke up with a kootchie full of spew with some guy in bed next to her than if she said she met some hot, sexy guy on a weekend away and had a made the conscious, sober choice to have a fling.
> 
> Obviously some guys here are willing to forgive the drunkeness, drugs and lack of judgement and will point the finger at the other guy and cry rape FOR her.
> 
> To me, the drunkeness, illicit drug use and total lack of control and judgement are all compounding offenses that in totality are much worse than getting down with some hot guy in and of itself.
> 
> I'm not excusing the infidelity and not saying that all would be well. And I am not saying that she should fabricate the truth and say that she made a sober choice. I am saying that for some people the alcohol, drugs and lack of judgement and control of one's faculties are additional and compounding offenses and not viewed as any kind of excuse or mitigating factors at all.


Well that is certainly possible. But at this point the dude is trying to friend her on social media and people know about it. Her husband is going to find out.

Whether he'll be more upset that she willingly took a drug then he would be if she willingly did a hot guy we can't predict because we don't know him. But I don't see any way around telling him.

He's going to find out.....best to hear it from her now.


----------



## jparistotle

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


If you cannot remember anything and neither can the other man, what makes you think you had sex? What were the signs?


----------



## MattMatt

jparistotle said:


> If you cannot remember anything and neither can the other man, what makes you think you had sex? What were the signs?


Yes. It's possible the man in question might have lied.


----------



## oldshirt

lifeistooshort said:


> Well that is certainly possible. But at this point the dude is trying to friend her on social media and people know about it. Her husband is going to find out.
> 
> Whether he'll be more upset that she willingly took a drug then he would be if she willingly did a hot guy we can't predict because we don't know him. But I don't see any way around telling him.
> 
> He's going to find out.....best to hear it from her now.


I agree that this is a ticking time bomb. 

I do not think there is any real defusing of this bomb, I think it is going to go off regardless of what actions are taken. 

Some times the bomb squad is not able to defuse a particular bomb or render it inert in any fashion. So depending on location and environment and other factors they evaluate , their options are either to clear everything away from the bomb and detonate it themselves in a controlled fashion or if they can safely pick it up with robots and move it to a remote location and detonate it out in the middle of nowhere. 

IMHO this bomb cannot be defused or rendered inert, it is going to go off and cause damage. I think the best option here is call in the bomb squad which would be a MC/MT and have them evaluate what would be the safest and least damaging time and place to detonate it in as controlled fashion as possible.


----------



## ThreeHundo

You are making a ton of sh!t choices.

This was a couple weeks ago, so you've already been hiding this way too long.

You had sex with hubs I assume unprotected. This may be TMI, but how long after your infidelity did you then have sex with hubs? How pissed is he gonna be that he may have gotten sloppy seconds?

The disrespect is mind boggling.


----------



## oldshirt

jparistotle said:


> If you cannot remember anything and neither can the other man, what makes you think you had sex? What were the signs?


She was trying to not be graphic but she has stated from the outset that she knew she had had sex. She choose her words carefully but I presume her jay-jay was full of evidence if you know what I mean. Instead of the proof in the pudding, the pudding was in the proof in this instance.


----------



## Megaforce

oldshirt said:


> I'm not necessarily disagreeing with your advice on her disclosing to her H but just wanted to say something about this statement for perspective.
> 
> First off she was not "drugged," she willingly drank and took drugs. It's not that someone slipped her anything without her knowledge or consent.
> 
> Not all guys see drinking and drugs as an excuse or are more forgiving because someone was drunk/high.
> 
> I know most guys probably have different perspective on this than me but for me personally, I am much less forgiving for drunken and drugging stupidity than I am with sex per se.
> 
> I would probably be much more harsh and unforgiving if my wife came home from a weekend bender saying she got drunk, brought some guys back to the house, took drugs and then woke up with a kootchie full of spew with some guy in bed next to her than if she said she met some hot, sexy guy on a weekend away and had a made the conscious, sober choice to have a fling.
> 
> Obviously some guys here are willing to forgive the drunkeness, drugs and lack of judgement and will point the finger at the other guy and cry rape FOR her.
> 
> To me, the drunkeness, illicit drug use and total lack of control and judgement are all compounding offenses that in totality are much worse than getting down with some hot guy in and of itself.
> 
> I'm not excusing the infidelity and not saying that all would be well. And I am not saying that she should fabricate the truth and say that she made a sober choice. I am saying that for some people the alcohol, drugs and lack of judgement and control of one's faculties are additional and compounding offenses and not viewed as any kind of excuse or mitigating factors at all.


I would feel the opposite, although neither scenario would be all that great.

No way of knowing this, so it is speculative, but I would venture a fair % of folks would see the intoxication as some of a mitigating factor and, while not approving of the intoxication and subsequent hookup, would be more upset by the sober, clear thinking decision involving the assessment of physical attractiveness .
Everyone is not the same on this, I guess.


----------



## harperlee

So I'm jumping in at page 15 having read the original post and a few others.
OP, you made a choice to get sh*t faced, take drugs around random dudes.
Now you know something happened but you can't remember what.
This sounds like the high school or college drama I never had but read about or accidentally watched on tv.
Slick.
Anyway, have an std test first. Make an appointment with a licensed psychologist/therapist for individual counseling.
Discuss this indiscretion, your drinking/drugging habits and the consequences with a person who will guide you to appropriate services and help you get to the root of what is causing you to blow up your world.


----------



## oldshirt

Megaforce said:


> I would feel the opposite, although neither scenario would be all that great.
> 
> No way of knowing this, so it is speculative, but I would venture a fair % of folks would see the intoxication as some of a mitigating factor and, while not approving of the intoxication and subsequent hookup, would be more upset by the sober, clear thinking decision involving the assessment of physical attractiveness .
> Everyone is not the same on this, I guess.


Well that is obvious right here on this thread. Look at the number of men that are jumping to her defence crying rape wanting to call the police or go give the OM a beat down themselves. The poor wittle thing had some drinks and took a pill, and the big bad man raped her,, she's not responsible for that 😢 Here, let me put on my suit of armor and climb up on my white steed and go save her from herself. 

Now I believe her story and believe her sincerity in that she did not go into this intending to get down with some other guy and I believe she is sincerely regretful and distressed over this. And I also think that guy is a shthead. 

But how dumb and irresponsible and reckless does one get to be before they are held accountable for their role the outcome? 

The reason I do want to help and support the OP is because she has at least acknowledged her role and accepted accountability and has not tried to point fingers at the OM and cry rape. I'll give her credit there. 

But for me personally, the drugs and the alcohol and the sheer stupidity and irresponsibility is what would be the final bridge too far for me. I see those as additional and compounding offenses, not excuses or free passes.


----------



## oldshirt

harperlee said:


> So I'm jumping in at page 15 having read the original post and a few others.
> OP, you made a choice to get sh*t faced, take drugs around random dudes.
> Now you know something happened but you can't remember what.
> This sounds like the high school or college drama I never had but read about or accidentally watched on tv.
> Slick.
> Anyway, have an std test first. Make an appointment with a licensed psychologist/therapist for individual counseling.
> Discuss this indiscretion, your drinking/drugging habits and the consequences with a person who will guide you to appropriate services and help you get to the root of what is causing you to blow up your world.


Yes to the above.


----------



## Kgs-95

jparistotle said:


> If you cannot remember anything and neither can the other man, what makes you think you had sex? What were the signs?


It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


----------



## oldshirt

RebuildingMe said:


> Only if you are using us as a test group for your “story” Very, very rarely does someone get so blackout drunk that they don’t remember getting naked and sex. In a house with others? No one saw a thing? Nah, still not buying.


No this sht happens when your dealing with drunks and druggies. Look at the murder case in Idaho. 4 people got stabbed to death in bed and the roommates also in the house finally got up about noon and eventually found the bodies without knowing that anything was going on. 

And mixing alcohol and narcotics can cause amnesiac efforts where they legitimately do not remember. And we need to keep in mind these were probably not licensed pharmacists dispensing these drugs and we are kind of going off of her word that it was oxymorphone, who knows what it really was and who knows what else they were taking that night. 

We are not dealing with sane, sober rocket scientists at the top of their game here.


----------



## Exit37

oldshirt said:


> I agree that this is a ticking time bomb.
> 
> I do not think there is any real defusing of this bomb, I think it is going to go off regardless of what actions are taken.
> 
> Some times the bomb squad is not able to defuse a particular bomb or render it inert in any fashion. So depending on location and environment and other factors they evaluate , their options are either to clear everything away from the bomb and detonate it themselves in a controlled fashion or if they can safely pick it up with robots and move it to a remote location and detonate it out in the middle of nowhere.
> 
> IMHO this bomb cannot be defused or rendered inert, it is going to go off and cause damage. I think the best option here is call in the bomb squad which would be a MC/MT and have them evaluate what would be the safest and least damaging time and place to detonate it in as controlled fashion as possible.


I can see the benefit of this, but I'm really concerned that if her husband finds out about the affair before she tells him, he won't believe that she was going to tell him... Especially since she came home and jumped in the sack with him, after having unprotected sex with this guy. And two of her friends know what she did, and the POSOM is acting hinky... She needs to tell her husband ASAP before he finds out.


----------



## jparistotle

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


Make sure if you discuss this with your husband you are prepared to handle all of his questions. Do not lie do not trickle truth to lessen the blow. He is not going to belive you do not remember nor was it unplanned. He will question you on the number of times and positions.

As someone said, you have other factors that are now in play. STD, pregancy etc. This may go through his mind. i wish you the best of luck. This will effect your realtionship forever.


----------



## blackclover3

@Kgs-95 

Do not wait to tell him until new year or after. Let him know as soon as today.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


So how do you think you’ve been acting around your husband since? I would imagine it would be fairly easy to notice you’d be a bit awkward and perhaps either avoidant or the opposite. From what we’ve seen on TAM, it’s actually pretty common for the cheating spouse to throw a lot more sex into the mix than usual, at least when they feel guilty.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

blackclover3 said:


> @Kgs-95
> 
> Do not wait to tell him until new year or after. Let him know as soon as today.


This^^^
@Kgs-95 
You need to act on this ASAP.


----------



## harperlee

harperlee said:


> OP, you made a choice to get sh*t faced, take drugs around random dudes.
> Now you know something happened but you can't remember what.





Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


I want to make myself abundantly clear to you Kgs-95 and any other person reading this:
Rape and sexual assault are never, under any condition/way/shape or form are the fault of the victim. Full Stop.
Get yourself to an obgyn, counselor, family, friend, partner and know that you are not alone.
I had to say this. I don't want any person out there who has been victimized to think that people don't care. National Sexual Assault Hotline: Confidential 24/7 Support | RAINN


----------



## oldshirt

Exit37 said:


> I can see the benefit of this, but I'm really concerned that if her husband finds out about the affair before she tells him, he won't believe that she was going to tell him... Especially since she came home and jumped in the sack with him, after having unprotected sex with this guy. And two of her friends know what she did, and the POSOM is acting hinky... She needs to tell her husband ASAP before he finds out.


It is a risk that he may find out before she is able to get her ducks in a row. That is the risk that people take when the sleep with others. 

So to continue with the time bomb analogy - time bombs are dangerous. They're not like on TV where they have very clear, digital clocks that count down perfectly and go off when the clock reaches 00:00 and if you can cut the right wire before it reaches 00:00 all will be well. 

Most bombs are crude, inexact devices put together by dipshts that don't really know what they are doing. So it can go off at any time, even after the red wire is cut. 

This situation is a crude device made out of poorly fabricated parts and put together by drunken, drugged up nimcompoops. It can go off at any moment regardless of what people are trying to do with it. 

So it comes down to what option has the best opportunity for the least destruction in the long term? A panicked amateur that has the most to lose when it goes off trying to diffuse it herself? 

Or making an honest attempt to bring in a professional bomb squad to assess the situation and use their expert opinion on what would be the best way to try to minimize as much damage as possible?

It's a risky situation either way. 

I believe in addressing complex, potentially devastating situation by bringing professionals that have been trained and have experience in deffusing explosive situations. 

Do some of those bombs go off before the bomb squad can mitigate the situation? Yes. that's why people shouldn't build bombs or mess with them when they encounter one.


----------



## Kgs-95

Casual Observer said:


> So how do you think you’ve been acting around your husband since? I would imagine it would be fairly easy to notice you’d be a bit awkward and perhaps either avoidant or the opposite. From what we’ve seen on TAM, it’s actually pretty common for the cheating spouse to throw a lot more sex into the mix than usual, at least when they feel guilty.


He knows something is wrong. I have been different and depressed. Things are weird between us.


----------



## sideways

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


Kgs I will give you credit that you've taken ownership of what transpired. You came here seeking advice. Have you thought about what (and how) you're going to say to your husband?

There's people on here who could help you with this. It goes without saying you need to be honest and not give him trickle truth. He may want you to leave after you tell him. I'd have a plan in place on where you will go. Pack a bag and hide it so that you're not scrambling to get some things together. Numerous other suggestions people here on TAM can help you with.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


You were sore after sex? That really isn't normal.


----------



## Kgs-95

I am on birth control so pregnancy is not a concern. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after work and try to explain what happened. I have been putting it off because I am terrified. I'm not sure about specifics just going to try to get it out. I'm not going to lie and will tell him what I can.


----------



## Exit37

sideways said:


> Kgs I will give you credit that you've taken ownership of what transpired. You came here seeking advice. Have you thought about what (and how) you're going to say to your husband?
> 
> There's people on here who could help you with this. It goes without saying you need to be honest and not give him trickle truth. He may want you to leave after you tell him. I'd have a plan in place on where you will go. Pack a bag and hide it so that you're not scrambling to get some things together. Numerous other suggestions people here on TAM can help you with.


I agree with this. OP, I would grab a pad of paper and a pen and just start by putting together a list of bullets for each items you want to make 100% sure you tell him when you do have the conversation. Review it, add a few bullets, cross through a few, rearrange the order... Rehears what you are going to say. But, make sure it doesn't sound rehearsed, it needs to come from the heart. That's why you write down bullets and not word for word.

When you have the final list transfer the points to a small, folded sheet of paper that you can have just in case you draw a blank. The last thing you want to do is feel like you need to go back right away because you forgot a point or two. Good luck, you will get through this.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Kgs-95 said:


> He knows something is wrong. I have been different and depressed. Things are weird between us.


Yeah, no **** things are weird. You went out, got **** faced and had sex with another man. How could it be anything other than weird between you two?


----------



## Exit37

BigDaddyNY said:


> You were sore after sex? That really isn't normal.


It is if she wasn't aroused.


----------



## GC1234

gaius said:


> My advice, if you really want to keep your marriage together, don't tell him.


I completely agree. I may not tell him. My fear for the OP though, is that it will come out, either friends will say something, or who knows...


----------



## Exit37

GC1234 said:


> I completely agree. I may not tell him. My fear for the OP though, is that it will come out, either friends will say something, or who knows...





GC1234 said:


> I completely agree. I may not tell him. My fear for the OP though, is that it will come out, either friends will say something, or who knows...


I don't think this is a good idea, but regardless, too many people know about what happened including her sex partner who is acting weird. I'd put the chances of them keeping it a secret for more than another week or two at close to 0%.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> I am on birth control so pregnancy is not a concern. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after work and try to explain what happened. I have been putting it off because I am terrified. I'm not sure about specifics just going to try to get it out. I'm not going to lie and will tell him what I can.


If it makes it better you can write it down and hand it to him.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. *We continued drinking and my friend and I took something.* I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


I have highlighted the key parts of your account for perspective.

You go to the bar with your friends, and more people including the other man (OM) show up. All of you consume alcohol. Then some of you go back to the rented property with the OM. Then you and your friend decide to take drugs which causes blackout in your case. You regain conscious after some hours and realize that you were in bed with the OM and that he had intercourse with you.

Your next update suggest as much:



Kgs-95 said:


> My husband knew my plan and what I was doing. The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him. He trusts the friends that I have and pretty much just told me to be careful and keep in touch with him. Nothing like this has happened before so I am sure it wasn't a possibility in his mind. He doesn't Know that I did drugs yet but we do another drug like 2 times a year.
> 
> When I talked to the guy in the morning I asked him if we had sex he said yeah. I asked him what happened and how it happened, he just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was married and I don't how this happened. He apologized and said he isn't going to tell anyone and that was the end of the conversation. He has tried yo add me on Facebook (which I check maybe twice a month)


You say that you do another drug with your husband which is a bad habit by the way. Never do drugs because this can become an addiction.

You also mentioned that you had no intentions to sleep with the OM. If this is the case then the OM took advantage of your poor judgement and rape can be assumed.

*But* I am unable to understand your motive to take a new drug with your friend. Did your friend tell you that this drug is harmless or something? Because _this_ motive can have legal implications if charges are pressed. A lawyer can be your best guide in this case _*but*_ you need to take your husband into confidence FIRST and FOREMOST.

You need to DISCLOSE this development to your husband ASAP, and both of you need to get checked for STDs. You might also need to watch out for potential signs of pregnancy if you are not on birth control. Be 100% honest with your husband about what transpired in this meetup. Your husband told you to be CAREFUL *but* you ignored his advice and this puts your motive into questionable light as well. Do NOT be surprised if he is pissed at you for not heeding his advice. You need to own up to your demonstration of poor judgement in this development and express 100% support to your husband in order to help him process it and make an informed decision.

I am of the view that the OM should be taught a lesson *because* this moron is accustomed to sleeping with passed out women. I can see why the OM wants to befriend you on Facebook - he knows deep down that he did something awful. DO NOT accept this man's friendship request on Facebook because this might help him cover his tracks.

Inform your husband, be 100% supportive to him, and HELP him decide HOW to move forward in this matter by being 100% honest with him.

Why a married woman would not take her husband's advice at face value when hanging out with a bunch of other people in a distant location, is BEYOND ME. Ridiculous.


----------



## GC1234

Exit37 said:


> I don't think this is a good idea, but regardless, too many people know about what happened including her sex partner who is acting weird. I'd put the chances of them keeping it a secret for more than another week or two at close to 0%.


I know you're right. That's my fear is that it would come out anyway. This is a hard situation to give advice on. I feel bad because OP seems to genuinely care for her husband.


----------



## Openminded

Better to tell him quickly. You never know when someone will decide to tell him for you. There have been situations here where the husband finds out the truth eventually, sometimes years or decades later, and usually after there are children who get damaged in the fallout.


----------



## TAMAT

"Very sore after sex".

There is a strong form of cruelty this OM has demonstrated as well, this might not be the first time he engaged in rape or other sexual crimes you need to research his criminal record. Sounds like a Bill Cosby kind of guy.

If he does have a sexual criminal record and it includes drugging women to have sex your case will be more likely to be prosecuted. 

There are also rape crisis hotlines you can call for more advice.

One thing you can do now to help your BH is to write out a timeline he can read, this will give him a framework to place the events, sometime spoken confessions and breakdown into screaming and crying.

Also offer to take a polygraph.


----------



## gameopoly5

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been and am at work.
> 
> I'm not trying to claim I was raped. I have my suspicions of why and how it happened but I can't know for sure. I know it happened because of me and putting myself in a bad situation. I'm not trying to shift the blame.
> 
> The pill I took was a very strong opiate. My friend told me later I should not have taken the whole thing. I had very little experience with opiates and didn't know. My friend is much more experienced then i. The guy had been drinking but did not do any drugs that I know of. The guy was a friend of one of my friends. I met him a few times but barely know anything about him. I was completely naked when I first woke up to use the bathroom at 5. Then I got dressed and went back to sleep on a couch. I can tell that I had sex and the guy confirmed it. There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted. I have an appointment for an std panel. Wedding ring was on when I woke up. I had no intention of this happening.
> 
> The rental was originally for my husband and i. We would rather have our own space then stay with family. I am going to tell my husband. I have been debating on how to tell him but I will tell him. I just know the aftermath is going to be horrible. This is the worst mistake I think I have ever made.


OMG, this is terrible.
You had sex with a guy in a rental apartment meant for you and your husband and probably in the bed you intend to use with your husband, in other words in the marital bed.
When you woke up at 5 in the morning you still did not return to your husband but continued to stay with that guy in the apartment.
*There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted.*
I would not describe having sex as barely interacting. Having sex is the most interaction one can have with another person.
At first I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and I took some flack from some posters for that, but now I believe you went out that evening to party knowing it would involved sex, drink and drugs and the worse part is that you used your rental.
You`ve really sh*tted on your husband.
I can`t say anymore otherwise I`ll be banned from these forums.


----------



## oldshirt

I do think this is a ticking time bomb but I'm not sure these party goers are going to be kicking down the door to squeal to the BH. There's a lot of culpability and bad behavior taking place here and I think all of them would be more than happy to just put this all behind them and forget the whole thing. 

There was likely more shenanigans taking place here than the OM and the OP getting together. Were there other married people with their hands in the cookie jar here? 

At the very least we have illegal drug usage going on here and now that someone is asking around about an illicit sexual encounter with questionable at best consent and I doubt anyone is going to raising their hand to be a whistle blower. 

I think the real time bomb here is either going to be BH starting to put her feet to the fire due to her change in behavior or her own anxiety over the situation. 

It's been two weeks thus far and no one has appeared to have any inclination to spill the beans, so I'm not sure all this fear of the other party goers squealing is all that founded. They may have their own concerns and skeletons in their closet that they would rather not be made public. 

Decisions made out of panic or fear are rarely the best decisions. 

I'm not saying she should not address this nor am I saying she should not tell the H. But I am saying that I don't think people are chomping at the bit to rat her out. I think these people are used to keeping secrets and keeping their behavior and going's on under pretty tight wraps. This wasn't the church choir that got into sacramental wine a little too much. These are probably folks of questionable conduct to begin with that aren't really prone to blab about their activities any more than necessary. 

There may be time for some mindful contemplation and planning here. Is it a risk? Yeah sure. But I'm not sure any of these people want many truths of that night getting out any more than she does.


----------



## Kgs-95

LeGenDary_Man said:


> I have highlighted the key parts of your account for perspective.
> 
> You go to the bar with your friends, and more people including the other man (OM) show up. All of you consume alcohol. Then some of you go back to the rented property with the OM. Then you and your friend decide to take drugs which causes blackout in your case. You regain conscious after some hours and realize that you were in bed with the OM and that he had intercourse with you.
> 
> Your next update suggest as much:
> 
> 
> 
> You say that you do another drug with your husband which is a bad habit by the way. Never do drugs because this can become an addiction.
> 
> You also mentioned that you had no intentions to sleep with the OM. If this is the case then the OM took advantage of your poor judgement and rape can be assumed.
> 
> *But* I am unable to understand your motive to take a new drug with your friend. Did your friend tell you that this drug is harmless or something? Because _this_ motive can have legal implications if charges are pressed. A lawyer can be your best guide in this case _*but*_ you need to take your husband into confidence FIRST and FOREMOST.
> 
> You need to DISCLOSE this development to your husband ASAP, and both of you need to get checked for STDs. You might also need to watch out for potential signs of pregnancy if you are not on birth control. Be 100% honest with your husband about what transpired in this meetup. Your husband told you to be CAREFUL *but* you ignored his advice and this puts your motive into questionable light as well. Do NOT be surprised if he is pissed at you for not heeding his advice. You need to own up to your demonstration of poor judgement in this development and express 100% support to your husband in order to help him process it and make an informed decision.
> 
> I am of the view that the OM should be taught a lesson *because* this moron is accustomed to sleeping with passed out women. I can see why the OM wants to befriend you on Facebook - he knows deep down that he did something awful. DO NOT accept this man's friendship request on Facebook because this might help him cover his tracks.
> 
> Inform your husband, be 100% supportive to him, and HELP him decide HOW to move forward in this matter by being 100% honest with him.
> 
> Why a married woman would not take her husband's advice at face value when hanging out with a bunch of other people in a distant location, is BEYOND ME. Ridiculous.


I have taken weaker opiates before a few times so I thought at the time it would be fine and talked myself into it. I am never going to accept his friend request. I am done with the drugs. It isn't worth it at all. I'm going to tell him tomorrow.


----------



## Kgs-95

gameopoly5 said:


> OMG, this is terrible.
> You had sex with a guy in a rental apartment meant for you and your husband and probably in the bed you intend to use with your husband, in other words in the marital bed.
> When you woke up at 5 in the morning you still did not return to your husband but continued to stay with that guy in the apartment.
> *There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted.*
> I would not describe having sex as barely interacting. Having sex is the most interaction one can have with another person.
> At first I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and I took some flack from some posters for that, but now I believe you went out that evening to party knowing it would involved sex, drink and drugs and the worse part is that you used your rental.
> You`ve really sh*tted on your husband.
> I can`t say anymore otherwise I`ll be banned from these forums.


When I realized I went to a couch. I of course meant we didn't have much interaction before that happened. I fully intended to have fun with my friends but not have sex with someone.


----------



## Kgs-95

Exit37 said:


> I agree with this. OP, I would grab a pad of paper and a pen and just start by putting together a list of bullets for each items you want to make 100% sure you tell him when you do have the conversation. Review it, add a few bullets, cross through a few, rearrange the order... Rehears what you are going to say. But, make sure it doesn't sound rehearsed, it needs to come from the heart. That's why you write down bullets and not word for word.
> 
> When you have the final list transfer the points to a small, folded sheet of paper that you can have just in case you draw a blank. The last thing you want to do is feel like you need to go back right away because you forgot a point or two. Good luck, you will get through this.


I will try to do that thank you.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


Common to have vaginal pain after sex if you don’t produce enough lubrication and all the more reason to consult a legal expert. Please don’t automatically discount rape. Also if you did not produce enough lubrication it puts you at higher risk for STI. vaginal secretion contains some antibacterial polypeptides.


----------



## Megaforce

GC1234 said:


> I completely agree. I may not tell him. My fear for the OP though, is that it will come out, either friends will say something, or who knows...


What if he contracts an STD? Some are deadly.


----------



## gameopoly5

Kgs-95 said:


> When I realized I went to a couch. I of course meant we didn't have much interaction before that happened. I fully intended to have fun with my friends but not have sex with someone.


You claimed at first to have not known exactly what happened and now your story has changed again.
You intended to have fun but not have sex with someone, but the fact is you did.
You`re trying to come across as if you are an innocent party, blaming a friend for not advising you how much of that drug you should have taken and trying to give a semblance that the guy took advantage of the situation.
Did your husband wonder where you`d been all night because obviously you must have lied.
I still don`t believe you`re going to be completely open with your husband and will give him a censored or toned down version that this happened because you`re naive as you have done with us.
Your only hope is that your husband is a wimp and will forgive you and the worse scenario is that he is like me, won`t swallow any BS story and kick you out, which is exactly what I would do.


----------



## Kgs-95

gameopoly5 said:


> You claimed at first to have not known exactly what happened and now your story has changed again.
> You intended to have fun but not have sex with someone, but the fact is you did.
> You`re trying to come across as if you are an innocent party, blaming a friend for not advising you how much of that drug you should have taken and trying to give a semblance that the guy took advantage of the situation.
> Did your husband wonder where you`d been all night because obviously you must have lied.
> I still don`t believe you`re going to be completely open with your husband and will give him a censored or toned down version that this happened because you`re naive as you have done with us.
> Your only hope is that your husband is a wimp and will forgive you and the worse scenario is that he is like me, won`t swallow any BS story and kick you out, which is exactly what I would do.


I'm not trying to blame anyone. I know it is my fault and a consequence of my actions. I said I didn't remember the sexual details and I don't. I could have been into it I just don't know which is why I'm not blaming him. I thought that was clear. Husband knew where I was and what I was doing. We were in contact a lot of the night until we weren't. I haven't told him yet that I took something. I am absolutely going to tell him but I understand your scepticism and how this looks.


----------



## Sfort

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not trying to blame anyone. I know it is my fault and a consequence of my actions. I said I didn't remember the sexual details and I don't. I could have been into it I just don't know which is why I'm not blaming him. I thought that was clear. Husband knew where I was and what I was doing. We were in contact a lot of the night until we weren't. I haven't told him yet that I took something. I am absolutely going to tell him but I understand your scepticism and how this looks.


Your husband is probably going to ask why you were sore, unless it's normal for you after having sex with your husband. In my experience, soreness follows at marathon session or an abundantly equipped man. Neither will sit well with your husband if he has any insecurities about his own performance or size.


----------



## karmagoround

OP: "I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped"

It is important, what you think happened. You may be needing help too. And you should be open with your husband about your thoughts on this disaster. 

Rape beings shame and do often the victim wants to blame themselves. Sorry that you got blackout smashed. What's up with taking a pill... That's true crazy. Was it just a one off, our are you trying to kill some pain? 

Alcohol can bring about events that will make you need a drink.


----------



## karmagoround

Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


Do you normally get sore? I would take that as an indication of not much natural fluids flowing. You weren't enjoying it. Might not even known it was happened.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Why did the guy not know you were married OP until the morning?You said you told him you were married after he told you that you had sex with him. Wasn't he with you and your friend most of the night? Didn't he drive you back to the house you and your husband rented? It seems like there would have been plenty of opportunities for your relationship status to come up in conversation. I mean , it's obvious why he was hanging around.


----------



## Kgs-95

Tested_by_stress said:


> Why did the guy not know you were married OP until the morning?You said you told him you were married after he told you that you had sex with him. Wasn't he with you and your friend most of the night? Didn't he drive you back to the house you and your husband rented? It seems like there would have been plenty of opportunities for your relationship status to come up in conversation. I mean , it's obvious why he was hanging around.


He knew I was married. Me saying that in the morning was in response to him asking what was wrong when we talked. He was there as a guest of my friend so I didn't think much of it.


----------



## Sfort

@Kgs-95 Please let us know how it goes with your husband. Most of us are pulling for you. Let us know if you want to discuss anything before you tell your husband. There is a lot of experience in this thread. That experience can be a big help to you. 

We don't know if you're really trying to cover up a ONS. It happens. However, based on your most recent responses, I think I believe you. You've committed a serious offense against your husband and your marriage. It may work out. It may not. Don't postpone the inevitable.


----------



## Kgs-95

karmagoround said:


> OP: "I have my own personal views about what happened from what I pieced together but I'm not going to try to convince anyone I was raped"
> 
> It is important, what you think happened. You may be needing help too. And you should be open with your husband about your thoughts on this disaster.
> 
> Rape beings shame and do often the victim wants to blame themselves. Sorry that you got blackout smashed. What's up with taking a pill... That's true crazy. Was it just a one off, our are you trying to kill some pain?
> 
> Alcohol can bring about events that will make you need a drink.


My husband and I do drugs a few times a year and I didn't think it was as strong as I now know it was. I have looked it up since and it is a very strong opiate. It was almost pulled from the market.


----------



## Kgs-95

karmagoround said:


> Do you normally get sore? I would take that as an indication of not much natural fluids flowing. You weren't enjoying it. Might not even known it was happened.


Every once in a while. not often no.


----------



## TAMAT

There is a possibility your BH will want you to disconnect completely from everyone who present, and also anyone who has any connection to OM in any way. 

Your BH has no way of knowing if they knew or approved of what happened.

Personally if I were your BH I would expose the OM as a rapist to everyone in his life that matters and more widely as well.


----------



## ocdude

To claim that you were raped would mean to your husband that it was not consentual, because you keeps posting excuses like i was on drugs, i was passed out, he was a guest at my rental, he is attractive but i wasnt attracted to him…….. it kinda gives a hint that you consented to sex ( and pretty rough sex if you were really sore, a passed out girl would probably be pretty muscularly relaxed). Plus you did not give him any hints or encouragement throughout the night, why would a guy simply waltz into a room and have sex with a passed out woman, Thats rape…..! If its not, ots consentual, It doesnt look good for how your husband is going to react.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> Every once in a while. not often no.


I assume you likely get sore when you lack enough vaginal lubrication. It is unfortunate that so much time has passed and that you have already engaged in sexual intercourse with your husband. 

1. You still do not know if you contracted a STI and subsequently gave it to your husband. This was irresponsible.

2. The fact that you were not lubricated could be a symptom of the drug your were taking or that you were not a willing in this activity. 

Please get tested and before too much time passes get a legal consultation. So, you may not want to assume you were raped (and not saying you were), but if this is a pattern of activity of this guy, he needs to be exposed. If (and it is is big if) you were raped you may not have been the first and may not be the last.


----------



## gameopoly5

I believe the OP has posted on here to test the waters, so to speak.
She has conducted an assessment to see if the majority will believe her story and if so it gives a hope that her husband may also buy it.
The OP should assume that whatever the majority of posters believe on here will likely be the same of her husband.


----------



## Kgs-95

gameopoly5 said:


> I believe the OP has posted on here to test the waters, so to speak.
> She has conducted an assessment to see if the majority will believe her story and if so it gives a hope that her husband may also buy it.
> The OP should assume that whatever the majority of posters believe on here will likely be the same of her husband.


I'm not sure what changed from your other comment but that just isn't true. I could just not tell him but I'm not going to do that.


----------



## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not sure what changed from your other comment but that just isn't true. I could just not tell him but I'm not going to do that.


You're at lifelong risk of him finding out. If he comes here, explaining how his wife has changed, we would tell him to guve her a polygraph to eliminate the possibility of unfaithfulness.

Also, other men have been known to spill the beans out of spite.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

ocdude said:


> why would a guy simply waltz into a room and have sex with a passed out woman,


Same reason the same guy who was told he had sex with a married woman who wasn't happy about it and promised not to tell would try to befriend her on Facebook: He's a piece of garbage.


----------



## ocdude

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Same reason the same guy who was told he had sex with a married woman who wasn't happy about it and promised not to tell would try to befriend her on Facebook: He's a piece of garbage.


So do you think its consentual?


----------



## Casual Observer

There are two very separate issues regarding @Kgs-95 .

First, a series of boundary violations and decisions by OP that represent betrayal to the vows of marriage. No matter the end result. The acceptance within the marriage of doing drugs already escalated the likelihood of things getting out of hand; that blame goes to both. It's not really clear if it was a regular thing that one or the other would go off with friends, without their spouse, and drink heavily and/or take drugs. But playing with fire like this, it's tough not to get burned. 

And second, the issue of whether this was rape or not. It may very well have been, but that doesn't change the nature of her failure to her marriage; the irresponsibility of many separate actions that night were inexcusable and sufficient reason for OP's husband to leave.

I can see the possibility of OP and her husband seeing a path forward that involves significant lifestyle changes (elimination of recreational drinking and drug use that clouds judgement) and the creation of very strong boundaries. But could be that a more hedonistic lifestyle is what appeals to both of them, and all of this just comes with the territory. Yet @Kgs-95 s initial post has some feeling of this being her "Come to Jesus" moment.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> Husband knew where I was and what I was doing. We were in contact a lot of the night until we weren't. I haven't told him yet that I took something.


What was it that he knew you were doing, that you were on the same page about?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

ocdude said:


> So do you think its consentual?


My opinion, based on what she's said? I think it's less likely that it was consensual in any meaningful sense than consensual. She talks about blacking out after taking the drug. She talks about still being heavily effected by it in the morning. I find it difficult to believe she wasn't seriously and obviously impaired in between. I could be wrong but that's how I see it.

As for the guy, she said her wedding ring was on, he wasn't phased by her being married, he left her in pain, he wouldn't tell her what happened, and then tried to friend her on Facebook. I see no mention of him saying that he used a condom or that she believes he used one. That's not the behavior of a decent person, in my opinion, which only makes it more plausible to me that he took advantage of her impairment or unconsciousness to have sex with her.

Yes, there are men who have sex with unconscious or seriously intoxicated women. It's not an unthinkable possibility to consider given the circumstances.

Can I prove any of that? No. Could that interpretation be proven beyond a reasonable doubt in court from the information we have? No. We're getting the account from a woman who had been drinking, took a hard drug, and can't remember what happened so a lot of important details are missing. She waited far too long for any kind of drug testing or doing a rape kit that might have provided more evidence about what happened.

I could be totally wrong, but that's what my intuition is telling me from the evidence I've been given in this thread. The true answer, though, is that I don't know for sure, nor does anyone else including the OP except maybe the guy who had sex with her, and he didn't want to talk to her about it. He seems to know at least a bit ore about what happened.


----------



## gameopoly5

UAArchangel said:


> You're at lifelong risk of him finding out. If he comes here, explaining how his wife has changed, we would tell him to guve her a polygraph to eliminate the possibility of unfaithfulness.
> 
> Also, other men have been known to spill the beans out of spite.


More than likely if the guy is single he`ll probably be boasting about it to his mates and the word will soon get around.
It`s even possible the guy videoed the event and/or taken photos of her in her and husband`s bed lying there asleep naked.
This is why the OP would be wise to tell her husband first before hubby hears this from third parties with exact details of what happened that night.


----------



## Young at Heart

Kgs-95 said:


> When I realized I went to a couch. I of course meant we didn't have much interaction before that happened. *I fully intended to have fun with my friends but not have sex with someone.*





Kgs-95 said:


> *I'm not trying to blame anyone. I know it is my fault and a consequence of my actions.* I said I didn't remember the sexual details and I don't. I could have been into it I just don't know which is why I'm not blaming him. I thought that was clear. *Husband knew where I was and what I was doing. We were in contact a lot of the night until we weren't*. I haven't told him yet that I took something. I* am absolutely going to tell him but I understand your scepticism and how this looks.*


Dear Kgs-95;

First, I want to congratulate you on your bravery for posting and participating in this forum discussion. All the different questions and advice have helped prepare you for your moment of truth. 

Your initial post, I am sure was hard and embarrassing. You were & are clearly scared and suffering. You have seen heated discussions on all sides of your situation on TAM. Your actions and peoples reactions have triggered many emotional responses within TAM. Please don't feel that people are attacking you and that you should crawl under a rock for the rest of your life. 

I am very impressed with the maturity you have recently displayed in your posts, although your actions on that night were extremely immature. You have probably grown up a lot within the course of a week or two.

No matter what choice you make in telling your husband, I hope you have learned some very valuable life lessons. Lessons as to things you will never do again. No matter what happens, know that your parents, friends, and possibly your husband still love you. Remember that in 40 years you will look back on the whole situation and shake your head and tell yourself you were so stupid for what you did, but that you learned your lesson, became a responsible adult and went on to live a good life.

As horrible as your anticipation of the future will be, things will get better. You have said that your husband understand that something is wrong. Depending on what happens, his life may be turned upside down. But even if that happens, he will get through this and if he focuses, in the future he will lead a good life, just like you will.

Good luck to you. Good luck to your husband. After a few weeks let those of us who have spent time trying to offer you our advice know how things are proceeding and what you and your husband have decided.


----------



## Diana7

uwe.blab said:


> No one would believe it anyway. Sad, but true.
> 
> You were passed out and this guy went in the room and 'woke' you up and f***ed ( raped) you. That is undoubtedly what happened. Happens every day on college campuses all over the world.
> 
> This is not 'infantizing' women.


There is no evidence she was passed out. She simply said she can't remember what happened.


----------



## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> In that case, and based on your level of revulsion for what you have done. My opinion for what it's worth is to keep quiet if you can rely on your friends. Only an STD could undo you after that.


Honestly is vital in marriage. Hiding something so serious is cruel.


----------



## Jamieboy

Diana7 said:


> Honestly is vital in marriage. Hiding something so serious is cruel.


I understand what you are saying, I really do, but in this case, I just feel its better to keep it a her problem than an us problem. She's clearly emotionally suffering, so why not just limit that suffering to just her.


----------



## Casual Observer

Jamieboy said:


> I understand what you are saying, I really do, but in this case, I just feel its better to keep it a her problem than an us problem. She's clearly emotionally suffering, so why not just limit that suffering to just her.


Because that hidden pain, that secret, is possibly going to torture her for years. Secrets like that are poison. Not being able to share your pain with your spouse can leave that spouse wondering why you act the way you do, what is going on, what might you be hiding. And eventually things tend to be discovered, and would it be better for the husband to know now, or maybe discover it 5 years from now after having kids?


----------



## Evinrude58

Still no answer on why was the guy was there in the first place. My suspicions are that he was invited, and I’m wondering why, if no sex was intended.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

Sfort said:


> @Kgs-95 Please let us know how it goes with your husband. Most of us are pulling for you.


Well I'm not, I'm pulling for her husband.

OP has dished him up with a great big s..t sandwich and garnished it with her actions after.
He's now got to try to deal with this somehow. He knows something is wrong and I bet his stomach is already churning with anxiety.

As has been advised already, from now on OP has to be absolutely honest and straightforward and it's good that she seems to see this now.
Whatever happens this will stay with him for the rest of his life and you too. 

Needless to say OP you can never, ever drink or take drugs again when your SO is not with you, whether it is your current husband or a future partner if your husband decides that this is all too much for him.

I do feel sorry for you in a way, but as you now realise this could have easily been avoided by having a drink and enjoying yourself but not going crazily over the top...it's all such a shame.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

gameopoly5 said:


> It`s even possible the guy videoed the event and/or taken photos of her in her and husband`s bed lying there asleep naked.


Very true gameop.

I really do hope that is not the case, because once something like that gets out it's there forever.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Evinrude58 said:


> Still no answer on why was the guy was there in the first place. My suspicions are that he was invited, and I’m wondering why, if no sex was intended.


She did answer that:



Kgs-95 said:


> The guy just tagged along with my friend and I didn't think much of it because I had zero plans to have sex with him.


This is part of why I question the guy's role in this.


----------



## In Absentia

Nobody remembers anything, so we are just guessing... but why would the rape guy stay in the same bed with her all night after the rape? Just doesn't make sense to me. More a case of drunken sex .


----------



## frenchpaddy

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You say that you do another drug with your husband which is a bad habit by the way. Never do drugs because this can become an addiction.
> 
> You also mentioned that you had no intentions to sleep with the OM. If this is the case then the OM took advantage of your poor judgement and rape can be assumed.
> 
> *But* I am unable to understand your motive to take a new drug with your friend. Did your friend tell you that this drug is harmless or something? Because _this_ motive can have legal implications if charges are pressed. A lawyer can be your best guide in this case _*but*_ you need to take your husband into confidence FIRST and FOREMOST.
> 
> You need to DISCLOSE this development to your husband ASAP, and both of you need to get checked for STDs. You might also need to watch out for potential signs of pregnancy if you are not on birth control. Be 100% honest with your husband about what transpired in this meetup. Your husband told you to be CAREFUL *but* you ignored his advice and this puts your motive into questionable light as well. Do NOT be surprised if he is pissed at you for not heeding his advice. You need to own up to your demonstration of poor judgement in this development and express 100% support to your husband in order to help him process it and make an informed decision.
> 
> I am of the view that the OM should be taught a lesson *because* this moron is accustomed to sleeping with passed out women. I can see why the OM wants to befriend you on Facebook - he knows deep down that he did something awful. DO NOT accept this man's friendship request on Facebook because this might help him cover his tracks.
> 
> Inform your husband, be 100% supportive to him, and HELP him decide HOW to move forward in this matter by being 100% honest with him.
> 
> Why a married woman would not take her husband's advice at face value when hanging out with a bunch of other people in a distant location, is BEYOND ME. Ridiculous.


I agree totally best post on this topic , could easy be the best post of the year 
I FEEL SORRY FOR THE OP but she made some big mistakes and will have to now pay a high price the rest of her life no mater how it pans out 
I all so feel sorry for her husband that will have to deal with this even though he had nothing to do with it ,
I feel the OM is a ****head and I wish karma or some think bites him hard and I to think the reason he wants to be facebook friends is he knows he was wrong and wants to cover his ass


----------



## In Absentia

I think a lot of people don't drink on this forum, otherwise they would understand what alcohol does to you.... this...


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband and I do drugs a few times a year and I didn't think it was as strong as I now know it was. I have looked it up since and it is a very strong opiate. It was almost pulled from the market.


IN this case you sow what you ripe 
WHEN YOU LIE DOWN WITH DOGS you get up with flies , 
over use of drink or using drugs will bite you on the ass and now both of you have to live with your mistakes


----------



## frenchpaddy

gameopoly5 said:


> I believe the OP has posted on here to test the waters, so to speak.
> She has conducted an assessment to see if the majority will believe her story and if so it gives a hope that her husband may also buy it.
> The OP should assume that whatever the majority of posters believe on here will likely be the same of her husband.


i think you could be right


----------



## UAArchangel

In Absentia said:


> I think a lot of people don't drink on this forum, otherwise they would understand what alcohol does to you.... this...


Alcohol releases your inhibitions and opens up to what you wanted to do anyway. Every step the OP took to the point of waking up with somebody strange was what she wanted to do, because she had a series of forks in the road along the way until she woke up in the hotel room.


----------



## In Absentia

UAArchangel said:


> Alcohol releases your inhibitions and opens up to what you wanted to do anyway.


So, according to you, she always wanted to sleep with another man. Let's see what the OP thinks about this one... if she comes back...


----------



## UAArchangel

In Absentia said:


> So, according to you, she always wanted to sleep with another man. Let's see what the OP thinks about this one...


The subconcious is very powerful. It probably wasn't a concious decision, but her subconcious was working on her, because she had internal desires at the time.


----------



## In Absentia

UAArchangel said:


> The subconcious is very powerful. It probably wasn't a concious decision, but her subconcious was working on her, because she had internal desires at the time.


Interesting take on drunken sex, I must say.


----------



## frenchpaddy

In Absentia said:


> So, according to you, she always wanted to sleep with another man. Let's see what the OP thinks about this one... if she comes back...





In Absentia said:


> Interesting take on drunken sex, I must say.


I don't know if you can just put it down to drunken sex , 
there was a lot of others there as well drinking some of them might have even had their car , if they had an accident they are still responsible putting it over on drink is not been honest, 
if you drink you are still responsible 

other have talked about the pub having some responsibility could be the case , but it does not take away that the op thinks it is ok to drink and take men back to her house and some where had a pill that added to the damage , in the moments before taking the pill she know she was going to take some risk but did not know what the full impact would be now as much as we would like to turn back the clock we can not and have to take the cost of what happened


----------



## In Absentia

frenchpaddy said:


> if you drink you are still responsible


I wasn't saying you are not responsible, of course you are. But alcohol sneaks up on you and before you know, you are pissed. Then you carry on drinking. I don't do it because I'm usually sick before I reach that stage, but lots of my friends used to do it. And had drunken ONS. When I challenged them, asking what was the point of drinking too much because they would black out at the end and not remember anything, they would reply they were having fun. Drinking was fun and sod the consequences. Unfortunately, when you drink too much, sh!t can happen, like in this case.


----------



## frenchpaddy

In Absentia said:


> I wasn't saying you are not responsible, of course you are. But alcohol sneaks up on you and before you know, you are pissed. Then you carry on drinking. I don't do it because I'm usually sick before I reach that stage, but lots of my friends used to do it. And had drunken ONS. When I challenged them, asking what was the point of drinking too much because they would black out at the end and not remember anything, they would reply they were having fun. Drinking was fun and sod the consequences. Unfortunately, when you drink too much, sh!t can happen, like in this case.


true we often have a drink then one or 2 more then we think it is a good idea to take the back road home , 
but one of my points on this one was like the nights you talk of friends that take too much drink we all have had that friend that likes it too much , we look after them and go the extra her friend that advised or pushed her to try this pill put her to bed and left her with a man still in the house , not something girlfriends do normally ,


----------



## In Absentia

frenchpaddy said:


> true we often have a drink then one or 2 more then we think it is a good idea to take the back road home ,
> but one of my points on this one was like the nights you talk of friends that take too much drink we all have had that friend that likes it too much , we look after them and go the extra her friend that advised or pushed her to try this pill put her to bed and left her with a man still in the house , not something girlfriends do normally ,


Agree... but her friend was also on alcohol and drugs...


----------



## oldshirt

frenchpaddy said:


> friend that advised or pushed her to try this pill put her to bed and left her with a man still in the house , not something girlfriends do normally ,


But what may have been happening here is the other GFs were probably also partying down with the guys they brought back to the house and they themselves were drunk and stoned and doing stupid stuff.

it wasn’t just the OP that was drunk and stupid.

one drunk and stupid person can cause a lot of problems even when sane, sober people are trying to keep things under control.

but when you have a group of people mixing intoxicants, it’s a recipe for outright disaster.

it’s too bad that this has happened to the OP and i things go ok for her.

but as bad as this situation is, they are fortunate that nothing truly tragic happened and that no one is in the hospital, no one died, no one burned the house down or destroyed the house and they are being sued by the property owner, no one has been arrested and thrown in jail, no outside innocent victims have been injured etc etc. 

I’m sorry this has happened to the OP and I wish her well, But she could be in a box 6 feet underground right now or she could be having to explain to police and someone else’s family why one of her friends is 6 feet under.


----------



## manwithnoname

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not sure what changed from your other comment but that just isn't true. I could just not tell him but I'm not going to do that.


Another mistake you made was having sex with your husband before telling him. He’s going to be pissed about this.

Your ”friend” is not a good friend.

The guy you woke up with is a POS because he knew you were married. You said he confirmed you two had sex, but couldn’t offer much more. This is because he had to leave out the part about you being unconscious at the time.

I was not decided whether this was rape or not until you said he did not take any drugs, was only drunk. So whether or not you recall giving consent, the law may be on your side that in your condition you couldn’t have given consent.

This guy took advantage of the situation, and you.

If you don’t pursue legal action, your husband will believe you wanted to have sex with this guy.


----------



## ShatteredKat

I feel so sorry for the hurt which her husband has to suffer.

I do not feel as sorry for this OP even though she is in for a long ride also.
Divorce or stay together - this is a years long time to process all the hurt and change in life's direction.

I hope she posts her story - unfortunately - most who need to learn what this activity does to a marriage/relationship only show up here after the 'crime' is committed.

I surmise the majority of husbands will blow all their fuses and eventually forgive but that depends on the actions the WW pursues. If she shows and LIVES true contrition, this marriage is likely to survive. Side comment - she needs to work on developing "adult" boundaries.


----------



## DamianDamian

I can't believe anyone jumps to rape on this. Wtf is wrong with you people? Calling this rape is insulting to real rape victims. Just because a woman chose to have a few drinks does not make any sex she has 'rape'. The guy probably didn't even know how intoxicated she was.


----------



## frenchpaddy

ShatteredKat said:


> I feel so sorry for the hurt which her husband has to suffer.
> 
> I do not feel as sorry for this OP even though she is in for a long ride also.
> Divorce or stay together - this is a years long time to process all the hurt and change in life's direction.
> 
> I hope she posts her story - unfortunately - most who need to learn what this activity does to a marriage/relationship only show up here after the 'crime' is committed.
> 
> I surmise the majority of husbands will blow all their fuses and eventually forgive but that depends on the actions the WW pursues. If she shows and LIVES true contrition, this marriage is likely to survive. Side comment - she needs to work on developing "adult" boundaries.


I feel all have to look at where playing with drugs can end you and know that there is no safe trips , some days to can play and come out ok this time she played and will give the rest of her life affected by what happened , it can't be nice knowing what happened and have so many questions with no response , 
she still thinks her drinking was not a bad idea so she has not learned fully from this


----------



## frenchpaddy

DamianDamian said:


> I can't believe anyone jumps to rape on this. Wtf is wrong with you people? Calling this rape is insulting to real rape victims. Just because a woman chose to have a few drinks does not make any sex she has 'rape'. The guy probably didn't even know how intoxicated she was.


please start a new topic on that one and i will be happy to debate it with you


----------



## DamianDamian

Sex with another man happened. It's not like you did much to protect yourself or prevent it. Sex with another man happened, **** happens, marriage over.


----------



## DamianDamian

"Women should be able to do whatever we want. If I, as a woman walk naked down an alley outside a club at 3am, high on LSD and I have sex with a man - it's rape. No fault lies with me - that's called victim blaming. I'm a great wife and any man would be lucky to have me."


----------



## manwithnoname

DamianDamian said:


> I can't believe anyone jumps to rape on this. Wtf is wrong with you people? Calling this rape is insulting to real rape victims. Just because a woman chose to have a few drinks does not make any sex she has 'rape'. The guy probably didn't even know how intoxicated she was.


Laugh all you want.
If a woman gets drunk or high, and lowers her inhibitions and has sex with someone, it’s not rape in my opinion. This is a good topic for a separate thread.

Do you think having sex with an unconscious woman is rape?

Best thing is not put yourself in that position, but it doesn’t give permission.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

DamianDamian said:


> "Women should be able to do whatever we want. If I, as a woman walk naked down an alley outside a club at 3am, high on LSD and I have sex with a man - it's rape. No fault lies with me - that's called victim blaming. I'm a great wife and any man would be lucky to have me."


Whether you like it or not, but without affirmative consent it is rape. We don't know if at the time of intercourse she was capable of saying yes. Remember, not saying yes is the same a no in date rape cases.

I can't say that it is what happened here, but it certainly could have and her reported soreness is suspicious. 

In the end this is probably a case of a wife making a whole series of bad choices, just like a cheater does. She made a deliberate choice to consume mind altering drugs, knowing full well they screw with your thinking and lower your inhibition. If she was conscious and gave consent she is no better than any other run of the mill cheater. 

If she were my wife we would be done. Even with the question of rape being unanswered. She made all the choices a cheater makes, the specific circumstances are irrelevant.


----------



## Livvie

Everyone thinks this guy knew she was married. I have known guys who are oblivious to rings. Especially in a drunken drugged party hearty atmosphere I doubt he's checking out rings.


----------



## manwithnoname

DamianDamian said:


> "Women should be able to do whatever we want. If I, as a woman walk naked down an alley outside a club at 3am, high on LSD and I have sex with a man - it's rape. No fault lies with me - that's called victim blaming. I'm a great wife and any man would be lucky to have me."


Ridiculous. 
I’m against people playing the victim to excuse their actions, but this is pretty ridiculous.


----------



## Gabriel

OP, glad you are telling him. After you do so, please come back to tell us how it went. There are very experienced people here that can help with the next steps/aftermath.

Things going for you: 

1) This was not a conscious act.
2) You took a drug you didn't realize, causing a blackout.
3) You are confessing voluntarily and are not on the defensive based on news your H has heard

Things going against you:

1) You've had unprotected sex with your H, knowing what happened.
2) The duration between the act and now, generally. You will get questions as to why you didn't tell him immediately. This makes you look even more guilty. Everything between then and now is a lie.


----------



## Trdd

It's clear you feel horrible about what happened. If you have truly shared everything from your posts, then you were taken advantage of. That may make you feel a little better or it may may you feel worse. It could also go either way with how your husband sees this situation. 

Even if you were open to his advances, you were not in a state of mind to make an informed decision about having sex. People who are black out drunk or on opiates and remember nothing the next day are not able to offer true consent and this guy took advantage of that. And the piece of **** knew you were married too. If I was your husband I would be very upset with you doing what you did but I would want to beat the other guy. Literally. Be prepared for that reaction. I don't know what type of guy your husband is but I am not some super aggressive guy and I would have that desire strongly. I know several guys I served with in the infantry who probably would go kill the guy. I know others who would take it to the police immediately. And probably some might just blame you, like some people here are doing. 

Here is why I think you were taken advantage of. I am not trying to say you need to go to the police but the facts are pretty clear to me if you have shared everything accurately. _And your husband will likely have a strong reaction to these facts once his head clears from the initial shock._

1) your friends put you to bed alone. You were out of it so they felt they had to put you to bed, probably satisfied you would stay there. This dynamic reinforces the fact that you were in no state of mind to make decisions about consensual sex. In fact, this very fact has been successfully used in legal cases in CA. 
2) you don't remember anything that happened with the guy, which as I said above, means you can't have given consent in that state. When I say that, it does not mean you did not say yes to him. Perhaps you did. But you were too out of it to even remember so, whether people like it or not here on the forum, that means you were not in a legal condition to provide consent. The posom might be clueless about that dynamic but that does not matter. An ethical man doesn't f*** a married woman and he certainly doesn't f*** any woman, married or not, when she is completely out of it. 
3) You woke up very sore, which is unusual for you. This indicates, at the least, very little foreplay. But in this context it points toward the idea that you were not fully engaged in the act. 
4) The guy remembers he had sex with you. So he was drinking but not out of it like you were. He should have known better than to go to your bedroom. Even if you invited him, which I doubt you did. 

Fyi, the fact that he tried to connect on facebook bothers me and it may bother your husband too. But that can be interpreted many ways. One is that he thought you were into him and wants more. One is that he is trying to, in a weird way, to resolve what happened in a friendly manner. One is that he is trying to cover up what he knows now was wrong. I don't know how your husband will take that.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Tdbo said:


> I don't know the OP's size, however one of those alone........
> She was out for the count.
> Ask me how I know. The drug I took only once and refused to take again (and, yes, it was prescribed by a Dr.,after a surgery.)
> Factor in mass quantities of alcohol as well......
> She's lucky she woke up at all.
> Perhaps she was taken advantage of.
> However, this is far from a free pass.
> This was of her own making.
> The judgement demonstrated here on the OP's part is stunning.
> Whether it is poor or purposeful, it really is inexcusable.
> I sincerely hope all comes out okay for her.
> However, it looks really bad.
> If she's given a second chance, I hope for her sake she learns a plethora of lessons, and makes the most of the grace given by her husband.


Drugs react differently to different people. I am 2x my wife and I can take 1 Flexeril and she has to put me to bed. She can take 2 and it does nothing for her. Other meds react differently with her than what they should. Like giving kids speed for ADHD. It hypes up an adult, but slows down the child. 

Opiates hype me up, you know I have taken one because I get very talkative and energetic.

Yeah I can see going to file a police report, now ma'am let's discuss the felony possession and taking a class 3 narcotic prescription that did not belong to you. Now we are gonna need the names of the others so they can bust the guy dealing the illegal narcotics. Oh and you all will be subpoenaed to testify against the dealer that gave out the drugs.


----------



## visionary

Trdd said:


> It's clear you feel horrible about what happened. If you have truly shared everything from your posts, then you were taken advantage of. That may make you feel a little better or it may may you feel worse. It could also go either way with how your husband sees this situation.
> 
> Even if you were open to his advances, you were not in a state of mind to make an informed decision about having sex. People who are black out drunk or on opiates and remember nothing the next day are not able to offer true consent and this guy took advantage of that. And the piece of **** knew you were married too. If I was your husband I would be very upset with you doing what you did but I would want to beat the other guy. Literally. Be prepared for that reaction. I don't know what type of guy your husband is but I am not some super aggressive guy and I would have that desire strongly. I know several guys I served with in the infantry who probably would go kill the guy. I know others who would take it to the police immediately. And probably some might just blame you, like some people here are doing.
> 
> Here is why I think you were taken advantage of. I am not trying to say you need to go to the police but the facts are pretty clear to me if you have shared everything accurately. _And your husband will likely have a strong reaction to these facts once his head clears from the initial shock._
> 
> 1) your friends put you to bed alone. You were out of it so they felt they had to put you to bed, probably satisfied you would stay there. This dynamic reinforces the fact that you were in no state of mind to make decisions about consensual sex. In fact, this very fact has been successfully used in legal cases in CA.
> 2) you don't remember anything that happened with the guy, which as I said above, means you can't have given consent in that state. When I say that, it does not mean you did not say yes to him. Perhaps you did. But you were too out of it to even remember so, whether people like it or not here on the forum, that means you were not in a legal condition to provide consent. The posom might be clueless about that dynamic but that does not matter. An ethical man doesn't f*** a married woman and he certainly doesn't f*** any woman, married or not, when she is completely out of it.
> 3) You woke up very sore, which is unusual for you. This indicates, at the least, very little foreplay. But in this context it points toward the idea that you were not fully engaged in the act.
> 4) The guy remembers he had sex with you. So he was drinking but not out of it like you were. He should have known better than to go to your bedroom. Even if you invited him, which I doubt you did.
> 
> Fyi, the fact that he tried to connect on facebook bothers me and it may bother your husband too. But that can be interpreted many ways. One is that he thought you were into him and wants more. One is that he is trying to, in a weird way, to resolve what happened in a friendly manner. One is that he is trying to cover up what he knows now was wrong. I don't know how your husband will take that.


I agree with your post.

OP, this was rape, or at least non-consensual sex.
Check out this YT video about tea and consent, if you're not convinced: 





The rapist did not even give you a full account of what happened. This does not sound like an affair to me.

If I were you, I would talk to an attorney about filing a police report. The cops can interrogate the offender and get a full report of what happened. They can interrogate your "friends" (term used loosely here) to understand what happened from their perspective.

There have been women filing civil cases in similar situations. You are suffering great emotional distress. I think that's why you've waited as long as you have to bring this up.


----------



## Anastasia6

Diana7 said:


> There is no evidence she was passed out. She simply said she can't remember what happened.


We’ll actually she said she was out of it and her friend had to help her to the room. Plus the opioid plus no memory. So she certainly could have been passed out there’s plenty to think she was. Add in being sore and not having any intention and there’s at least a 50 % possibility she was passed out.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

OP, I question your choice of friends and further question your choice of lifestyle. Drugs have no place in a marriage and let's not forget that they can kill you.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Trdd said:


> It's clear you feel horrible about what happened. If you have truly shared everything from your posts, then you were taken advantage of. That may make you feel a little better or it may may you feel worse. It could also go either way with how your husband sees this situation.
> 
> Even if you were open to his advances, you were not in a state of mind to make an informed decision about having sex. People who are black out drunk or on opiates and remember nothing the next day are not able to offer true consent and this guy took advantage of that. And the piece of **** knew you were married too. If I was your husband I would be very upset with you doing what you did but I would want to beat the other guy. Literally. Be prepared for that reaction. I don't know what type of guy your husband is but I am not some super aggressive guy and I would have that desire strongly. I know several guys I served with in the infantry who probably would go kill the guy. I know others who would take it to the police immediately. And probably some might just blame you, like some people here are doing.
> 
> Here is why I think you were taken advantage of. I am not trying to say you need to go to the police but the facts are pretty clear to me if you have shared everything accurately. _And your husband will likely have a strong reaction to these facts once his head clears from the initial shock._
> 
> 1) your friends put you to bed alone. You were out of it so they felt they had to put you to bed, probably satisfied you would stay there. This dynamic reinforces the fact that you were in no state of mind to make decisions about consensual sex. In fact, this very fact has been successfully used in legal cases in CA.
> 2) you don't remember anything that happened with the guy, which as I said above, means you can't have given consent in that state. When I say that, it does not mean you did not say yes to him. Perhaps you did. But you were too out of it to even remember so, whether people like it or not here on the forum, that means you were not in a legal condition to provide consent. The posom might be clueless about that dynamic but that does not matter. An ethical man doesn't f*** a married woman and he certainly doesn't f*** any woman, married or not, when she is completely out of it.
> 3) You woke up very sore, which is unusual for you. This indicates, at the least, very little foreplay. But in this context it points toward the idea that you were not fully engaged in the act.
> 4) The guy remembers he had sex with you. So he was drinking but not out of it like you were. He should have known better than to go to your bedroom. Even if you invited him, which I doubt you did.
> 
> Fyi, the fact that he tried to connect on facebook bothers me and it may bother your husband too. But that can be interpreted many ways. One is that he thought you were into him and wants more. One is that he is trying to, in a weird way, to resolve what happened in a friendly manner. One is that he is trying to cover up what he knows now was wrong. I don't know how your husband will take that.


Or the flip side could be, he was intoxicated also and in her blackout state could have been the aggressor and he sent her the FB invite hoping to get a relationship started. He may not have even known she was married . 
As a hubby a major problem still exists in she thought it was OK to go somewhere without me and get drunk and doped up in a party atmosphere with strange men. Knowing alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions. She was playing Russian roulette and the cylinder it fell on had her bullet.


----------



## Trdd

BigDaddyNY said:


> Whether you like it or not, but without affirmative consent it is rape. We don't know if at the time of intercourse she was capable of saying yes. Remember, not saying yes is the same a no in date rape cases.
> 
> I can't say that it is what happened here, but it certainly could have and her reported soreness is suspicious.
> 
> In the end this is probably a case of a wife making a whole series of bad choices, just like a cheater does. She made a deliberate choice to consume mind altering drugs, knowing full well they screw with your thinking and lower your inhibition. *If she was conscious and gave consent she is no better than any other run of the mill cheater.*
> 
> If she were my wife we would be done. Even with the question of rape being unanswered. She made all the choices a cheater makes, the specific circumstances are irrelevant.


The bolded comment is an opinion but the law in the US does not agree with it regarding consent. A 'yes' from a completely drunk or drugged person is not legal consent. It doesn't matter if that's unfair in anyone's opinion, it's still the law. People have been found guilty in the US with exactly that dynamic. _OP and her husband may choose to do nothing in this regard, that's their choice to make. _But anyone reading this debate here should know that 'yes' does not mean legal consent if the person is completely out of it and you can be charged with rape and convicted. When in doubt, assume she is too out of it and take the high road.

Just like you can't have a dementia patient change their will legally, they are not of right mind to make the change. The will stays the same until their death, like it or not.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Divinely Favored said:


> Or the flip side could be, he was intoxicated also and in her blackout state could have been the aggressor and he sent her the FB invite hoping to get a relationship started. He may not have even known she was married .
> As a hubby a major problem still exists in she thought it was OK to go somewhere without me and get drunk and doped up in a party atmosphere with strange men. Knowing alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions. She was playing Russian roulette and the cylinder it fell on had her bullet.


i think you need to read the posts as you seem to have skipped over some


----------



## Tdbo

Divinely Favored said:


> Drugs react differently to different people. I am 2x my wife and I can take 1 Flexeril and she has to put me to bed. She can take 2 and it does nothing for her. Other meds react differently with her than what they should. Like giving kids speed for ADHD. It hypes up an adult, but slows down the child.
> 
> Opiates hype me up, you know I have taken one because I get very talkative and energetic.
> 
> Yeah I can see going to file a police report, now ma'am let's discuss the felony possession and taking a class 3 narcotic prescription that did not belong to you. Now we are gonna need the names of the others so they can bust the guy dealing the illegal narcotics. Oh and you all will be subpoenaed to testify against the dealer that gave out the drugs.


That's why I added that I don't know her size or (in addition) her metabolism.
However as you noted, it is a classified narcotic, and it is a stout drug.
All I know is that at 6'4' 275 pounds, I told one and was out for 16 hours.
I also woke up disoriented (and that was without copious amounts of alcohol.)
From anecdotal evidence, one can make a case that perhaps she was taken advantage of.
However, she through a course of bad choices, placed herself in jeopardy of that happening.
Filing a police report, IMO, will not necessarily do her any good.
She'll get torn apart because of the scenario as a whole, no apparent credible witnesses able to corroborate, any evidence is long gone, plus the cloud illegal narcotics on top of it.
It is a fiasco anyway you cut it.


----------



## Jimi007

Harold Demure said:


> I think the reality of your situation is
> REDACTED


How is any of this helpful ? Good job of shaming the poster for asking for advice.
Stop protecting your BS..


----------



## frenchpaddy

Trdd said:


> The bolded comment is an opinion but the law in the US does not agree with it regarding consent. A 'yes' from a completely drunk or drugged person is not legal consent. It doesn't matter if that's unfair in anyone's opinion, it's still the law. People have been found guilty in the US with exactly that dynamic. OP and her husband may choose to do nothing in this regard, that's their choice to make. But anyone reading this debate here should know that 'yes' does not mean legal consent if the person is completely out of it and you can be charged with rape and convicted. When in doubt, assume she is too out of it and take the high road.
> 
> Just like you can't have a dementia patient change their will legally, they are not of right mind to make the change. The will stays the same until their death, like it or not.


what I find strange is the people that are saying the guy might have had too much to drink and he might have passed out as well and not know what happened 

well someone got her out of all her kit and as far as I know from experience drink is the best contraception you have a little too much you can carrie her to bed but if he had that much drink his thing is not getting hard 

i think he had not that much drink and he in my book he used her 
what type person you need be too think sex with a warm body because this is all she was in that state , 

i am not taking any blame off her i agree with the remarks made by " i think yourself " in regard to the choose she made


----------



## ConanHub

Livvie said:


> Everyone thinks this guy knew she was married. I have known guys who are oblivious to rings. Especially in a drunken drugged party hearty atmosphere I doubt he's checking out rings.


Yeah. Lots of assumptions. I don't have a good impression of him but who knows how messed up he was at the time.

Him trying to add her on FB afterward speaks very poorly of him though. She definitely informed him that she didn't know what happened or wanted it to happen as she was married.


----------



## Jimi007

Here's the skinny , her friend put her to bed...sounds like this guy came into her room and took advantage... We will never know. Please stop with the projective, bs advice....it's a problem on TAM


----------



## SunCMars

MattMatt said:


> Yes. It's possible the man in question might have lied.


OK, but she woke up totally naked, with a man next to her.

He hinted that something happened.

A women knows is she has been recently had.

Especially if no condom was used.
She said she knew later that morning.

The guy is likely stalking her.

Why?

1) He really enjoyed the encounter with our OP. He is hoping to steal her away from her husband.

2) He really enjoyed the action and will threaten to expose her if she does not put out more for him.

3) He wants to apologize, make amends . Still wants in your pants


----------



## frenchpaddy

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. Lots of assumptions. I don't have a good impression of him but who knows how messed up he was at the time.
> 
> Him trying to add her on FB afterward speaks very poorly of him though. She definitely informed him that she didn't know what happened or wanted it to happen as she was married.


for me there is only two reasons to add her now to facebook 
1 he is trying to act as if he did nothing wrong 
2 he thinks she is a easy lay and does this often and wants more from the fat mans table 
both reasons tells me he was not as out of it as many like to think he was


----------



## Anastasia6

In Absentia said:


> Nobody remembers anything, so we are just guessing... but why would the rape guy stay in the same bed with her all night after the rape? Just doesn't make sense to me. More a case of drunken sex .


Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


----------



## Divinely Favored

SunCMars said:


> I repeat....
> 
> People die for committing **** like this!!!!!!!!!
> 
> What if someone did this to your married daughter?


1st thing I would do is ask her why and the hell she thought it was OK for her to be away from hubby in mixed company getting drunk and doped out of her F'ing gord!


----------



## frenchpaddy

SunCMars said:


> 2) He really enjoyed the action and will threaten to expose her if she does not put out more for him.


now this is a 3th reason i did not think off but could be


----------



## ConanHub

SunCMars said:


> OK, but she woke up totally naked, with a man next to her.
> 
> He hinted that something happened.
> 
> A women knows is she has been recently had.
> 
> Especially if no condom was used.
> She said she knew later that morning.
> 
> The guy is likely stalking her.
> 
> Why?
> 
> 1) He really enjoyed the encounter with our OP. He is hoping to steal her away from her husband.
> 
> -or-
> 
> 2) He really enjoyed the action and will threaten to expose her if she does not put out more for him.


The attempt to add her on FB, after she informed him that she didn't remember and didn't want what happened, is very concerning and the only solid evidence so far, that this guy has bad intent.

That detail altered this barbarian's outlook on the whole situation.


----------



## Gabriel

Who tries to Friend someone on FB after they had sex with them and knows she's married? The guy is a creep.

I seem to remember from one of the OP's posts that the guy knew she was married. He tagged along with friends who all know the OP and her H.

It's very possible the OP was seemingly willing to have sex, because she was out of it and her inhibitions were out the window. But at the same time, this man was an opportunist, had to clearly see she was totally intoxicated.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Divinely Favored said:


> 1st thing I would do is ask her why and the hell she thought it was OK for her to be away from hubby in mixed company getting drunk and doped out of her F'ing gord!


she thinks drinking too much when away is ok she and her husband are drug users , 
she thinks it is ok to bring strangers home , she put herself in a place that was not safe and she found a sicko that used all her bad judgments


----------



## SunCMars

@Kgs-95 keep us updated after the confession.

It will be a minimum of a month of hell before this horrible situation settles down.

Life will go on.
It always does.

Happiness 😊 will return.

In some form. 🤔


----------



## SunCMars

Divinely Favored said:


> 1st thing I would do is ask her why and the hell she thought it was OK for her to be away from hubby in mixed company getting drunk and doped out of her F'ing gord!


But, that is because you now have
all, or most of the facts.

The husband is going to be blindsided.

He will rage!

Eh?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Anastasia6 said:


> Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


As well as a bunch of folks that think the best option is to lie and deceitfully hide this from her husband.
And another group who want to burn her at the stake no matter what her story. Some truly hateful **** has been posted toward her.
And yet an even bigger group whose reading comprehension rivals a rock. (Here's a tip for them: If you click the 3dots/hamburger you get an option to read only that poster. At a *minimum* click on it while on the OP's post and read ALL of their posts before confusing the situation with information that isn't accurate or germane to whatever the thread is)
I'm amazed the mods haven't waded in here with a machete and the ban hammer, it would be warranted.

@Anastasia6 none of that was directed at you, just adding to your comment.


----------



## Megaforce

Anastasia6 said:


> Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


This is not true.


----------



## Anastasia6

Rubix Cubed said:


> As well as a bunch of folks that think the best option is to lie and deceitfully hide this from her husband.
> And another group who want to burn her at the stake no matter what her story. Some truly hateful **** has been posted toward her.
> And yet an even bigger group whose reading comprehension rivals a rock. (Here's a tip for them: If you click the 3dots/hamburger you get an option to read only that poster. At a *minimum* click on it while on the OP's post and read ALL of their posts before confusing the situation with information that isn't accurate or germane to whatever the thread is)
> I'm amazed the mods haven't waded in here with a machete and the ban hammer, it would be warranted.
> 
> @Anastasia6 none of that was directed at you, just adding to your comment.


Yes it sucks. But I agree she has to tell the husband. I couldn't ever keep anything from my husband. 

Just practically there is no way this stays a secret.


----------



## ConanHub

Anastasia6 said:


> Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


I didn't see one but maybe I missed it.

There are a lot of posters that think drunk and high partiers might have sex and neither one involved is a rapist.

Without a single witness, and that includes OP, we don't know what exactly transpired.

I'm actually guessing toward ill intent from the guy, given his FB nonsense but it is still a guess.


----------



## Benbutton

Jamieboy said:


> I understand what you are saying, I really do, but in this case, I just feel its better to keep it a her problem than an us problem. She's clearly emotionally suffering, so why not just limit that suffering to just her.


Three can keep a secret if two are dead.

Remember this above all else whenever you choose to deceive or omit because the second it involves another, it can get complicated real fast.


----------



## Rus47

Gabriel said:


> Who tries to Friend someone on FB after they had sex with them and knows she's married? The guy is a creep.
> 
> I seem to remember from one of the OP's posts that the guy knew she was married. He tagged along with friends who all know the OP and her H.
> 
> It's very possible the OP was seemingly willing to have sex, because she was out of it and her inhibitions were out the window. But at the same time, this man was an opportunist, had to clearly see she was totally intoxicated.


She was wearing her wedding ring. Someone wrote that men don’t notice, so there is that


----------



## Megaforce

ConanHub said:


> I didn't see one but maybe I missed it.
> 
> There are a lot of posters that think drunk and high partiers might have sex and neither one involved is a rapist.
> 
> Without a single witness, and that includes OP, we don't know what exactly transpired.
> 
> I'm actually guessing toward ill intent from the guy, given his FB nonsense but it is still a guess.


I do not recall seeing posts where anyone defended having sex with a person who had passed out. I may have missed one, but, clearly, there were not " many".
Prosecuting this guy for rape is not going to happen, IMO. We do not know his level of intoxication nor do we know hers at the time of the act. We know she has no recall later, but not her state of intoxication when they engaged, which is the relevant piece of evidence.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Jamieboy said:


> How can she be willing if unconscious? Its impossible for a man to be so wasted he doesn't know what he's doing and still be able to get it up. That's why it doesn't work the other way round.
> 
> Sorry buddy you're wrong


There is a difference between blacked out and passed out. Unconscious is passed out. Blacked out you can loose hours of time and not know what happened but be very aware in the moment, it is just the memory is not retained. 

It is very possible for a man to be blacked out and not know what happened the next morning after sex. I had friend tell me about girl bragging about having sex with me. I don't remember going home from club with this girl or having sex with her. I have a flask of a memory of climbing onto my waterbed with a girl, but could not tell you about the sex or who she was/what she looked like. 

Maybe I should have had her charged for rape, after all I was not in condition to consent, even though I took her to my house on my waterbed, but can't remember any of it. I do not believe I was raped, I made a stupid decision to put myself in that state of intoxication and was a participant. Must have been a good lay for her since she was bragging about it to others.


----------



## Megaforce

Benbutton said:


> Hmmm, went bac
> 
> Three can keep a secret if two are dead.
> 
> Remember this above all else whenever you choose to deceive or omit because the second it involves another, it can get complicated real fast.


Again, ignores the STD issue. CDC estimates 20% of the adult population have an STD. This includes all adults. With promiscuous folks, like this fellow, the incidence is like much higher. Early detection and treatment makes a big difference in outcome.


----------



## uwe.blab

Megaforce said:


> Indeed, yourself included. BTW, how did you like playing for Bobby Knight?





DamianDamian said:


> I can't believe anyone jumps to rape on this. Wtf is wrong with you people? Calling this rape is insulting to real rape victims. Just because a woman chose to have a few drinks does not make any sex she has 'rape'. The guy probably didn't even know how intoxicated she was.


 Yeah. He probably did. He sounds predatory.


----------



## Benbutton

Megaforce said:


> Again, ignores the STD issue. CDC estimates 20% of the adult population have an STD. This includes all adults. With promiscuous folks, like this fellow, the incidence is like much higher. Early detection and treatment makes a big difference in outcome.


How did I ignore the std issue? It wasn't my intention to address std's, but rather the aspect of keeping the incident hidden.


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah. He probably did. He sounds predatory.


"Probably" is not the standard in a rape case, at least a criminal case.


----------



## Megaforce

Benbutton said:


> How did I ignore the std issue? It wasn't my intention to address std's, but rather the aspect of keeping the incident hidden.


Sorry, I meant to cite the post you had responded to, not yours.


----------



## uwe.blab

Diana7 said:


> There is no evidence she was passed out. She simply said she can't remember what happened.


Sure. Her friend put her to bed. It is highly likely that she was passed out. If you want to believe in the very small chance that she had sex with him knowingly and willingly, go for it. 

I have seen this happen before. The guy had sex with the passed out girl, and stayed next to her until morning. She had no idea it happened. He tried to be friends with her, she had zero interest and was confused about that and about what happened. This guy told people they had sex, and made it sound consentual however multiple people were witness. 

I personally called the girl to let her know that he was inside her and came, and that she may want to get tested. She was stunned and devestated and speechless. And she did not call the police (very typical of rape victims).


----------



## uwe.blab

Megaforce said:


> "Probably" is not the standard in a rape case, at least a criminal case.


Yeah, in a court of law. Most rape cases are not provable by those standards. That does not mean it did not happen.


----------



## Benbutton

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah, in a court of law. Most rape cases are not provable by those standards. That does not mean it did not happen.


I think it would be more appropriate to say convicted rather than provable. Many things can be proven in court, however it is still up to a jury (or judge in the case of a bench trial) to convict.


----------



## In Absentia

Anastasia6 said:


> Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


It's definitely not ok... I just noticed that later she added that she must have been out of it because she went into the room alone... if feels like he did take advantage of her. Having said that, I find it strange that he remained in her bed if he did that.


----------



## *Deidre*

I don’t think anyone is condoning that the choices OP made that night weren’t bad ones, especially being married. But she shouldn’t ignore that she may have been assaulted. Getting high and drunk willingly, is one thing but someone potentially taking advantage of you when you weren’t capable of stopping it, shouldn’t be construed as consenting to it.

The details to me, seem to point to she didn’t want to have sex with anyone but it somehow happened. She woke up confused, disoriented and sore - she should at least try to figure out what happened that night.

If not for any other reason at this point, but peace of mind.

Stats show that most victims of assault were familiar with the person who assaulted them.

I’ve noticed the phrase “taking advantage of” being used here - it’s a crime to have non-consensual sex, even if the victim willingly took drugs/alcohol to cause them to be so out of it that they couldn’t consent or not consent.

There are cases where women regret having sex with someone and claim rape, but the OP isn’t claiming she was raped, though. She just doesn’t remember.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kgs-95 said:


> You are right, not worth it at all and I'm going to.


You should never drink unless in presence of your hubby. Then I would not get drunk if I were you. If he decides to stay, it could be a trigger for him to see you intoxicated, especially if you are even friendly toward another guy. 

Years ago at local club, they had a wild woman contest. One girl maybe 18-19 was drunk. She got on stage and stripped it all off. Let some guys in audience grope on her, in front of her BF or could have been fiancee. I heard her crying and him hollering at her in parking lot when he dumped her. He called her parents and told them what happened. Parents kicked her out of house. Heard couple days later, she stuck a .38 in her mouth and killed herself. 

People just do not think about possible repercussions of their actions.


----------



## uwe.blab

In Absentia said:


> It's definitely not ok... I just noticed that later she added that she must have been out of it because she went into the room alone... if feels like he did take advantage of her. Having said that, I find it strange that he remained in her bed if he did that.


See my previous post on predator guy screwing passed out girl.


----------



## Gabriel

I don't think she has a court case for rape given the circumstances. But that doesn't change the fact that this guy took advantage of someone that may or may not have given consent, who was clearly not of sound mind at the time. Now he wants to stay in touch?? My take on that is that he's worried about repercussions and his "friend request" is a red herring.

The fact OP and her H do drugs once in awhile may actually help her marital case. "I took some bad sh** and totally blacked out and apparently I had sex"

I know what it's like to be cheated on. The H will absolutely direct some large portion of his anger at the guy. OP, you can't control that, and it would happen no matter what the circumstances are.

When you tell him....and if you don't want to press charges or lay blame, then you'll have to balance how you portray this situation. Go too far into saying he's innocent, then you are a cheating *****. Go too far into saying he took advantage, and he's going to demand you file a police report and may want to go to his house and beat him senseless.


----------



## In Absentia

uwe.blab said:


> See my previous post on predator guy screwing passed out girl.


You think he stayed to make it look like consensual sex? Very strange... unless he was seen entering the room.


----------



## Sfort

Megaforce said:


> This is not true.


What's not true?


----------



## sideways

Kgs if I'm not mistaken you mentioned yesterday that you're going to tell your husband today. Hope you're ready for the cluster$#ck you're about to experience. Just be truthful because there's no way you can control where this is going. Praying for strength for you today and the days ahead.

Another thing, given the comments that are in this thread, I think it would be in your best interest (and your husband's) to not tell him about this site. You're going to need advice as well moving forward. Nothing can be done to change what's happened. Hopefully moving forward people here on TAM can refrain from the judgmental comments and offer you helpful advice because you're definitely going to need it.


----------



## MattMatt

In Absentia said:


> You think he stayed to make it look like consensous sex? Very strange... unless he was seen entering the room.


He probably wanted more the next day? After all, he has contacted her subsequently.

Also, @Kgs-95 is aware that she took an opioid drug. However, it's also possible that she might have been given another drug that she didn't know about.


----------



## uwe.blab

In Absentia said:


> You think he stayed to make it look like consensous sex? Very strange... unless he was seen entering the room.


I doubt he was thinking very strategically. He tried to add her on FB as well, so what is that about? Maybe trying to downplay the situation, acting like it was consentual and trying to show her they are friends?


----------



## In Absentia

uwe.blab said:


> I doubt he was thinking very strategically. He tried to add her on FB as well, so what is that about? Maybe trying to downplay the situation, acting like it was consentual and trying to show her they are friends?


Possible...


----------



## oldshirt

Anastasia6 said:


> Because look at the posts on this forum.... There are plenty of people that believe having sex with an unconscious or incapacitated woman is ok.


No one is saying it is OK to have sex with an unconscious person.

What even the OP is not aware of is if she was unconscious or what actually took place between them.

we need to differentiate between a crime in the judicial sense, vs inappropriate behavior vs a boundary violation vs a sexual trauma vs a lesser degree of a personal or sexual assault.

everyone agrees this was a disgusting event and that the OM is a POS and was inappropriate and out of line with a drunk married woman. No one is saying he was a good guy or that this was appropriate.

what is unknown is what the OP’s level of consent and participation was at that time and that this would most likely not be a prosecutable criminal offense even if it were to technically fall within the letter of the law.

And even if it were to fall within the letter of the law, the OP has stated she does not wish to pursue any legal action at this time. 

so there are complexities and conflicting perspectives and opinions but no one is saying that any of this is OK or that the OP is not in a heart rending situation.


----------



## Benbutton

*Deidre* said:


> I don’t think anyone is condoning that the choices OP made that night weren’t bad ones, especially being married. But she shouldn’t ignore that she may have been assaulted, simply because she “put herself in the situation.” Getting high and drunk willingly, is one thing but someone potentially taking advantage of you when you weren’t capable of stopping it, isn’t consenting to it.
> 
> The details to me, seem to point to she didn’t want to have sex with anyone but it somehow happened. She woke up confused, disoriented and sore - she should at least try to figure out what happened that night.
> 
> If not for any other reason at this point, but peace of mind.
> 
> Stats show that most victims of assault were familiar with the person who assaulted them.
> 
> I’ve noticed the phrase “taking advantage of” being used here - it’s a crime to have non-consensual sex, even if the victim willingly took drugs/alcohol to cause them to be so out of it that they couldn’t consent or not consent.
> 
> There are cases where women regret having sex with someone and claim rape, but the OP isn’t claiming she was raped, though. She just doesn’t remember.


From a completely evidentiary standpoint the things we know are that she knowingly took drugs and drank. What we don't know is by being "out of it", what does that mean? Lack of memory and being "out of it" does not negate consent, which we don't even know existed or not. Being passed out is a different story, in this case consent can't be given. Another issue is her statement of not intending to have sex. This also does not negate consent, as things can change in the course of an evening. 

The way I see it:
1. Passed out = rape.
2. Not passed out, no memory, nothing slipped in her drink = simply not enough to claim rape, not to mention her own sentiment of not claiming rape.

I think there are many posters that are getting off track in trying to define what rape is and isn't, when the fact of the matter is that OP never asked that to begin with.


----------



## MattMatt

So, a random guy just happens to tag on to a group, he just happens to find a woman who he finds attractive, who just happens to have been encouraged to take a powerful opioid narcotic (which she just happens not to have taken the whole tablet that she just happened not to have been told to only take half) and he just happens to find her room and he just happens to have sex with her and then just happens to know her well enough (though as far as OP was aware, he didn't know her?) to have her Facebook contact details and he just happens to want to stay in touch with her.

That's seven "just happens" coincidences, right there. I think @Kgs-95 might need to consider that she was set up in some way.


----------



## Benbutton

uwe.blab said:


> I doubt he was thinking very strategically. He tried to add her on FB as well, so what is that about?


Or as an alternative, maybe because she was flirting with him and simply can't remember if she did or not. We just don't know, there is so much speculation.


----------



## Divinely Favored

SunCMars said:


> God blast it!
> 
> I see.
> 
> In your mind, it is OK to eff some other dudes wife if she's drunk, even willing?
> 
> She said she had her ring on.
> 
> In your world, then, any women is worth nailing?
> 
> More so, if she is sh!t faced drunk?
> 
> Wow.


Don't always approve of others ideas. No it is not ok. Same time if a guy did knowing wife was married, I will deal with him with extreme prejudice. If someone has no issue being immoral, they should be willing to take the consequences of their actions, whether they like it or not. 

My wife would have to accept the consequences for her actions, as well as the guy for having sex with my wife, if she had her wedding ring on.


----------



## ocdude

MattMatt said:


> He probably wanted more the next day? After all, he has contacted her subsequently.
> 
> Also, @Kgs-95 is aware that she took an opioid drug. However, it's also possible that she might have been given another drug that she didn't know about.


Oxycodone is a moderately strong narcotic, in its largest prescription pill form, if she was average weight, she would have to take 4-5 pills alone to have “passed out”. Alcohol is additive of course. It is sedative, and does not cause a fugue like state without memory. Its different than alcohol effects. OP, i hope that you are doing ok, I was trying to help you with a difficult situation, if it was non concentual, tell your husband that, he will be likely to help you prosecute the other guy. He may be more of an advocate for you in this situation. If it was not the case with consent, he would be less helpful. Date rape drugs can be identified in a blood test if its done within a time window. Please take care of yourself.


----------



## Benbutton

MattMatt said:


> That's seven "just happens" coincidences, right there. I think @Kgs-95 might need to consider that she was set up in some way.


I think there's alot of overthinking going on here. I think the whole situation is far less complex than many are making it out to be.


----------



## *Deidre*

Benbutton said:


> From a completely evidentiary standpoint the things we know are that she knowingly took drugs and drank. What we don't know is by being "out of it", what does that mean? Lack of memory and being "out of it" does not negate consent, which we don't even know existed or not. Being passed out is a different story, in this case consent can't be given. Another issue is her statement of not intending to have sex. This also does not negate consent, as things can change in the course of an evening.
> 
> The way I see it:
> 1. Passed out = rape.
> 2. Not passed out, no memory, nothing slipped in her drink = simply not enough to claim rape, not to mention her own sentiment of not claiming rape.
> 
> I think there are many posters that are getting off track in trying to define what rape is and isn't, when the fact of the matter is that OP never asked that to begin with.


All this is true, but seeing that she was led to bed by a friend and this guy wasn’t there to start with, could point to he came into bed later, had sex with her, and she wasn’t in a state to consent or not consent. Who knows, that part is speculation but I can only speak for me, and I’ve chimed in because the OP posted this in the “coping with infidelity” sub-forum, and this might not have been infidelity at all.

I think she owes it to herself to look at that night and see if she can piece things together or with the help of her friends to give her peace of mind.


----------



## snowbum

She said her friends witnessed none of this and have no idea. If she’s not pressing charges dh will probably not believe rape story. Just have to tell him. It is what it is at this point. Should have told him weeks ago.


----------



## Beach123

She never claimed it was rape people! Quit thread jacking!
She needs help and support telling her husband her truth!


----------



## TheGodfather

after reading your story KGS i would not tell your husband until you have sought out talking to a therapist. my reasons are if your story is accurate and true, then you will destroy your marriage for something you weren't even conscious for that happened to you. after talking to a therapist and getting your mind in the right mental state for what will be to come then i would involve your husband and tell him. 
secondly the fact that this guy is trying too add you to facebook is odd. if he realty took advantage of you in a state you weren't even awake for that is considered date rape. did you add him to facebook and talk to him or block him?
if your serious about never doing drugs then great . you see a problem and now know your friends can never be trusted again for your wellbeing and safety. i would cut all contact off immediately with them.
again talk to a therapist and get your mind right because the day you tell your husband he could divorce you no matter what happened and you need to prepare yourself for that day .
just my advice...


----------



## ConanHub

@Kgs-95 , aside from all the debate and banter, I really wish you well and many of us are very supportive of you and your decision to come clean with your husband.

You did something very stupid but you didn't actually set out to cheat.

Like I said earlier, even someone like me, who has about zero tolerance for infidelity, could probably still work through this if my wife was in your place.

Hoping the best for you and your husband during this painful situation.


----------



## blackclover3

TheGodfather said:


> after reading your story KGS i would not tell your husband until you have sought out talking to a therapist. my reasons are if your story is accurate and true, then you will destroy your marriage for something you weren't even conscious for that happened to you. after talking to a therapist and getting your mind in the right mental state for what will be to come then i would involve your husband and tell him.
> secondly the fact that this guy is trying too add you to facebook is odd. if he realty took advantage of you in a state you weren't even awake for that is considered date rape. did you add him to facebook and talk to him or block him?
> if your serious about never doing drugs then great . you see a problem and now know your friends can never be trusted again for your wellbeing and safety. i would cut all contact off immediately with them.
> again talk to a therapist and get your mind right because the day you tell your husband he could divorce you no matter what happened and you need to prepare yourself for that day .
> just my advice...


her husband has the right to know - holding information is considered cheating as well. he has the right to decide on what to do next. seeking therapist means he has to pay for session caused by the other guy and his wife having sex/fun. dont forget he also paid for the rental house. 

No therapist is not needed. honesty is


----------



## Benbutton

OP, I believe you should tell your husband and give him as much detail as he asks for. At least it will give him the choice of forgiveness and he can always take solace in the fact that you came clean and were honest with him. Those two things go so much farther with a man than you think.


----------



## Livvie

Megaforce said:


> I do not recall seeing posts where anyone defended having sex with a person who had passed out. I may have missed one, but, clearly, there were not " many".
> Prosecuting this guy for rape is not going to happen, IMO. We do not know his level of intoxication nor do we know hers at the time of the act. We know she has no recall later, but not her state of intoxication when they engaged, which is the relevant piece of evidence.


This. 

A few years ago I had outpatient surgery. 

Different drugs were used, pre and post surgery. 

It was a 2.5 hour drive home (during which I apparently jibber jabbered the whole way), and then a grocery store trip during which I filled a cart with food AND THE NEXT DAY I REMEMBERED NONE OF IT.

Just because she doesn't remember doesn't mean she appeared out of it to the dude, who himself was impaired.


----------



## Benbutton

Livvie said:


> This.
> 
> A few years ago I had outpatient surgery.
> 
> Different drugs were used, pre and post surgery.
> 
> It was a 2.5 hour drive home (during which I apparently jibber jabbered the whole way), and then a grocery store trip during which I filled a cart with food AND THE NEXT DAY I REMEMBERED NONE OF IT.
> 
> Just because she doesn't remember doesn't mean she appeared out of it to the dude, who himself was impaired.


Yeah but you WANTED those groceries!!


----------



## oldshirt

Livvie said:


> This.
> 
> A few years ago I had outpatient surgery.
> 
> Different drugs were used, pre and post surgery.
> 
> It was a 2.5 hour drive home (during which I apparently jibber jabbered the whole way), and then a grocery store trip during which I filled a cart with food AND THE NEXT DAY I REMEMBERED NONE OF IT.
> 
> Just because she doesn't remember doesn't mean she appeared out of it to the dude, who himself was impaired.


Yes.

this is how many drugs can work. Especially if you are mixing different drugs and alcohol etc.

once people are mixing intoxicants, all bets are off and anything can happen.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> I do not recall seeing posts where anyone defended having sex with a person who had passed out. I may have missed one, but, clearly, there were not " many".


There were a lot of people saying that it was unreasonable to consider that she may have been sexually assaulted. If she was unconscious, what would you call it? And it seems pretty obvious that being unconscious is at least a possibility given what she's described. 



Megaforce said:


> Prosecuting this guy for rape is not going to happen, IMO. We do not know his level of intoxication nor do we know hers at the time of the act. We know she has no recall later, but not her state of intoxication when they engaged, which is the relevant piece of evidence.


But saying you can't prove she was raped in a court of law is a very different argument than saying what happened definitely wasn't rape and her husband shouldn't even consider that maybe she was raped. Maybe she can't prove she was raped in court, but her husband may interpret what happened as her being raped and blame the guy for that.

I think that what's at the root of a lot of the rejection of the idea that this may have been sexual assault is that a lot of people want to blame the cheater for the cheating, want her husband to blame her and not let her off the hook, and see any explanation that might blame anyone other than her as making excuses for her and letting her off the hook. If her husband interprets what happened as sexual assault, he's likely to forgive her and blame the guy. Would that be terrible?


----------



## ConanHub

QuestionAssumptions said:


> There were a lot of people saying that it was unreasonable to consider that she may have been sexually assaulted. If she was unconscious, what would you call it? And it seems pretty obvious that being unconscious is at least a possibility given what she's described.
> 
> 
> 
> But saying you can't prove she was raped in a court of law is a very different argument than saying what happened definitely wasn't rape and her husband shouldn't even consider that maybe she was raped. Maybe she can't prove she was raped in court, but her husband may interpret what happened as her being raped and blame the guy for that.
> 
> I think that what's at the root of a lot of the rejection of the idea that this may have been sexual assault is that a lot of people want to blame the cheater for the cheating, want her husband to blame her and not let her off the hook, and see any explanation that might blame anyone other than her as making excuses for her and letting her off the hook. If her husband interprets what happened as sexual assault, he's likely to forgive her and blame the guy. Would that be terrible?


This is all speculation and guessing given the initial posts.

No one is saying hopping on an obviously unconscious woman is not rape but everyone is guessing about that detail.

If there were some witness at all, something might be able to be determined.

The only definite detail that shows bad intentions is the FB invite after he knew she didn't remember and didn't want to.


----------



## oldshirt

QuestionAssumptions said:


> There were a lot of people saying that it was unreasonable to consider that she may have been sexually assaulted. If she was unconscious, what would you call it? And it seems pretty obvious that being unconscious is at least a possibility given what she's described.
> 
> 
> 
> But saying you can't prove she was raped in a court of law is a very different argument than saying what happened definitely wasn't rape and her husband shouldn't even consider that maybe she was raped. Maybe she can't prove she was raped in court, but her husband may interpret what happened as her being raped and blame the guy for that.
> 
> I think that what's at the root of a lot of the rejection of the idea that this may have been sexual assault is that a lot of people want to blame the cheater for the cheating, want her husband to blame her and not let her off the hook, and see any explanation that might blame anyone other than her as making excuses for her and letting her off the hook. If her husband interprets what happened as sexual assault, he's likely to forgive her and blame the guy. Would that be terrible?


I do agree that some are trying to look at this as a legal case and whether it is something where charges can be made to stick.

that is a different thing than whether she did or did not knowingly and intentionally commit adultery and even another different thing that something bad has happened to her and that she may have bad outcomes due to what happened…and she may very likely have some emotional trauma over this.

all of those are different concepts.

and even if her husband does believe this was all against her will, he may still not be ok with it due to her actions leading up to the sex whether it was consensual or not. 

This is why my suggestion to her was to seek professional counseling and work through some of this quagmire before setting this whole time bomb off on her own.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> Yes.
> 
> this is how many drugs can work. Especially if you are mixing different drugs and alcohol etc.
> 
> once people are mixing intoxicants, all bets are off and anything can happen.


Jonathan Haidt talks about how when we want to believe something, our standard of evidence is "Can I believe this?" We're looking for any reason to believe something and will accept any evidence that lets us believe it, often without much scrutiny. This is a lot of how confirmation bias works. 

When we don't want to believe things, our standard of evidence is "Must I believe this?" We're looking for any reason not to believe something and will accept any explanation that lets us reject what we don't want to believe. 

Neither standard accurately always leads to the truth. To get tot the truth, you need to be willing to give all the possibilities an fair hearing and not be biased toward wanting one to be true. And I think understanding which standard you are applying to evidence can be a good way to spot your own biases.

A lot of people are spending a lot of time arguing that she may have been conscious and capable of consent because they want to believe she must have been fully responsible for what happened. They don't want to believe it could have been rape, so they are looking for "Can I believe" reasons to believe she was fully conscious and that she consented to or even wanted what a happened while applying a "Must I believe" standard to suggestions that she might have been unconscious, expecting others to prove she must have been unconscious to even consider that she may have been raped. You are doing that here. 

What do you think arguing that she could have been conscious and aware proves, exactly? That she might have willingly cheated? Sure. But does it follow that we can't also wonder if she may have been sexually assaulted?

Do you believe it's impossible she was unconscious during that time?

If not, then you believe it's possible she was unconscious.

If you believe it's possible that she was unconscious, do you believe that if the guy had sex with her while she was unconscious that he sexually assaulted her?

If so, then if it's possible she was unconscious and having sex with her while unconscious is sexual assault, isn't it at least possible that what happened was sexual assault and not something she wanted or deserved to have happen to her?

If following that line of reasoning makes you feel uncomfortable and have the urge to find excuses to reject the conclusion, you may be experiencing cognitive dissonance.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> and even if her husband does believe this was all against her will, he may still not be ok with it due to her actions leading up to the sex whether it was consensual or not.


Sure, and she should be prepared for that. And there are some husbands who see their wives as "dirty" after cheating and can't get over it. But shouldn't we be happy if it turns out it wasn't her fault or intentional, her husband forgives her for it, and her marriage doesn't collapse? Yet some people seem to be treating that as a disappointment and seem to want the husband to blame her and leave her no matter what.


----------



## Mybabysgotit

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


Seriously if I was your husband, I wouldn't want to know. Dont beat your self up over it, and promise yourself and your husband, you'll never drink in excess without your husband there. **** happens, don't worry about it. I've told my wife every time she visits her hometown that what I don't know, won't hurt me, have fun. Now, if you have spoken to that guy after that night, then you should tell your husband as that is in affair territory. If it was one drunken night. forget it and move on and be the best wife you can be.


----------



## Kgs-95

TheGodfather said:


> after reading your story KGS i would not tell your husband until you have sought out talking to a therapist. my reasons are if your story is accurate and true, then you will destroy your marriage for something you weren't even conscious for that happened to you. after talking to a therapist and getting your mind in the right mental state for what will be to come then i would involve your husband and tell him.
> secondly the fact that this guy is trying too add you to facebook is odd. if he realty took advantage of you in a state you weren't even awake for that is considered date rape. did you add him to facebook and talk to him or block him?
> if your serious about never doing drugs then great . you see a problem and now know your friends can never be trusted again for your wellbeing and safety. i would cut all contact off immediately with them.
> again talk to a therapist and get your mind right because the day you tell your husband he could divorce you no matter what happened and you need to prepare yourself for that day .
> just my advice...


I haven't talked to him at all past that morning. I haven't done anything with the FB request but have scrolled through his profile a few times. I will never touch another drug.


----------



## Divinely Favored

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Yes. And it should make you not only question our own judgement but the friends who supplied it to you.


Yes and if she filed rape on guy, I would bet her girlfriend that gave her the narcotics would also be charged with felony distribution of narcotics that also led to a rape...~ 15-20yrs in DOC for her. Wonder if her state uses oranges or stripes. Her GF style will be off for a few years until parole.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

Kgs-95 said:


> I haven't talked to him at all past that night. I haven't done anything with the FB request but have scrolled through his profile a few times. I will never touch another drug.


You should leave everything (FB) exactly as it is and tell your husband about it. Talk with him about the best way to handle it. If you do anything without him, it can look suspicious. (No matter what you do.) And don't delete any history or messages at all.


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah, in a court of law. Most rape cases are not provable by those standards. That does not mean it did not happen.


Exactly. Nor does it mean it did. You are speculating based on scant information and your own anecdotal experience which, IMO, has caused you to be biased.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

@Kgs-95 I don't know your husband but there's a pretty good chance that when you talk with him he will want desperately to believe you and to believe you wouldn't willingly commit adultery.

He may scream and shout or may walk away or some combination we don't even consider. But in his mind, he will be looking for _anything_ that throws a shadow on your story or makes you look guilty...all while hoping never to find it.

Commit to yourself to answer every question no matter how trivial with the brutal, raw, honest truth. And with things like FB, be prepared to give him your phone and give him free reign to read everything. You have to become completely open and transparent about everything. Any kind of "excuse" is a red flag. So don't try to minimize or make any excuses.

From your posts here and what you've said, I hope you and he can work this out. As some others have said, I wish you the best.


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> Sure. Her friend put her to bed. It is highly likely that she was passed out. If you want to believe in the very small chance that she had sex with him knowingly and willingly, go for it.
> 
> I have seen this happen before. The guy had sex with the passed out girl, and stayed next to her until morning. She had no idea it happened. He tried to be friends with her, she had zero interest and was confused about that and about what happened. This guy told people they had sex, and made it sound consentual however multiple people were witness.
> 
> I personally called the girl to let her know that he was inside her and came, and that she may want to get tested. She was stunned and devestated and speechless. And she did not call the police (very typical of rape victims).


Oh, highly likely is it? You have seen it before? With these two individuals, I presume? 
This is why I feared juries.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Jamieboy said:


> I'm sorry I missed that, did you even find this guy attractive?


This has nothing to do with it. Many men have sex while intoxicated, with women who they do not find attractive and would not tell any one they did. So maybe all those girls should be charged with sexual assault, because if the guys were not drunk, they would not have had sex with those women. I have been there and am embarrassed about it. But I take responsibility for it due to my actions that allowed it to occur. I don't blame them for taking advantage of me though.


----------



## Evinrude58

So the guy “tagged along” with her friend to The OP’s house! What did she the the guy was tagging along for?
I don’t really think the OP had intent to cheat. I think there’s a good chance she was taken advantage of. 

One things is for certain: It’s good we aren’t married because I’d divorce her because she does Drugs and has ****ty friends that get her drugged up and set her up with their make friends to screw her.

Since she admits she uses drugs pretty casually, I think she’s a no go for me. Luckily she’s not married to me, and considering her and her husband’s lifestyle, I think that it’s a darn high chance that she will be forgiven, probably should be forgiven, and she will hopefully grow up a wee bit and stay away from drugs and her worthless, characterless friends that contributed to possibly ruining her marriage.


----------



## Megaforce

Sfort said:


> What's not true?


That plenty of posters here have condoned sexual relations with an unconcious person , as was claimed. Poster must have been hallucinating or overcome by some extreme bias to have percieved this.


----------



## oldshirt

QuestionAssumptions said:


> What do you think arguing that she could have been conscious and aware proves, exactly? That she might have willingly cheated? Sure. But does it follow that we can't also wonder if she may have been sexually assaulted?
> 
> Do you believe it's impossible she was unconscious during that time?
> 
> If not, then you believe it's possible she was unconscious.
> 
> If you believe it's possible that she was unconscious, do you believe that if the guy had sex with her while she was unconscious that he sexually assaulted her?
> 
> If so, then if it's possible she was unconscious and having sex with her while unconscious is sexual assault, isn't it at least possible that what happened was sexual assault and not something she wanted or deserved to have happen to her?


I wasn’t talking about what I think happened.

do I think it’s possible that he sneaked in and assaulted her while she was unconscious? Yes, that is certainly possible and I do not deny that possibility. (And if he did, he would technically have assaulted her and by all rights should have criminal charges filed on him)

bit that’s not what I was talking about. 
People are also assuming that since she cannot remember the events that that automatically means that she was unconscious .
the fact someone cannot remember a period of time does not automatically mean they were unconscious nor does it automatically mean that they were not physically active and functional and not does it mean that they were not conversive and interactive.

And to some men, the fact that she was out drinking and partying with men, bringing the men back to the house and taking narcotics is unacceptable whether she was the victim of an assault or not.

Maybe her H will accept this and be ok with it. 

I personally DO hope this can be worked out and that her marriage does not collapse because of this bad event.

that is why my recommendation to her is to seek professional guidance and assistance with this in discussing this with her H as I see that as having the best potential outcome in the long run.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kgs-95 said:


> He isn't bad looking but I don't have any attraction towards him. I don't really know what to think of him. I'm suspicious of him and never want to see him again. I am never doing drugs again.


Talk to the friend that he came with and state that hubby may want rape charges filed. If anyone saw something to contrary they may come to intervene about possible behaviors or conditions of both of you prior to the incident. 

It is possible you were participating but in blackout state where no memory is retained. I have been there and have no memory of the sex with the girl, found out from buddy she was bragging to.

Know of another story where woman gets drunk at club and leaves with guy that looks so much like hubby, she had sex with guy thinking it was her hubby, until she woke up with the guy.


----------



## Megaforce

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Kgs-95 I don't know your husband but there's a pretty good chance that when you talk with him he will want desperately to believe you and to believe you wouldn't willingly commit adultery.
> 
> He may scream and shout or may walk away or some combination we don't even consider. But in his mind, he will be looking for _anything_ that throws a shadow on your story or makes you look guilty...all while hoping never to find it.
> 
> Commit to yourself to answer every question no matter how trivial with the brutal, raw, honest truth. And with things like FB, be prepared to give him your phone and give him free reign to read everything. You have to become completely open and transparent about everything. Any kind of "excuse" is a red flag. So don't try to minimize or make any excuses.
> 
> From your posts here and what you've said, I hope you and he can work this out. As some others have said, I wish you the best.


Right. And be prepared for the questioning to be repetitive and persist for quite some time. So, it is crucial you be accurate and extremely complete with your answers. Deviations or omissions will be seen as lying.


----------



## oldshirt

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Sure, and she should be prepared for that. And there are some husbands who see their wives as "dirty" after cheating and can't get over it. But shouldn't we be happy if it turns out it wasn't her fault or intentional, her husband forgives her for it, and her marriage doesn't collapse? Yet some people seem to be treating that as a disappointment and seem to want the husband to blame her and leave her no matter what.


But you are assuming that whether someone wants to remain with their spouse should depend on whether that spouse had sex with someone else voluntarily vs whether they got drunk and took illicit drugs and someone assaulted them.

believe it or not, there are people in the world that do not want to be with someone that goes out drinking and partying with the opposite sex, invites them back to the house and engages in drug use with them, regardless of whether they get sexually assaulted or not.

Maybe her H will be cool with that. But there are people where drinking and partying and inviting others back to the house and taking drugs is simply not what they want for a spouse.

people do not have to remain with someone like that regardless if they are sexually assaulted or not.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> Don't always approve of others ideas. No it is not ok. Same time if a guy did knowing wife was married, I will deal with him with extreme prejudice. If someone has no issue being immoral, they should be willing to take the consequences of their actions, whether they like it or not.
> 
> My wife would have to accept the consequences for her actions, as well as the guy for having sex with my wife, if she had her wedding ring on.


Assuming he noticed the ring, right. Better find out before imposing consequences.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Kgs-95 I don't know your husband but there's a pretty good chance that when you talk with him he will want desperately to believe you and to believe you wouldn't willingly commit adultery.


And this is also why you must not lie about anything, even to protect his feelings. If he catches you in a lie, no matter how innocent or accidental, it may lead to him doubting you and wondering what else isn't true.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kgs-95 said:


> That was probably stupid. I'm going to tell him this weekend and he can decide what he wants to do in that way. I've just never been very concerned about stds but this is different.


I knew a woman that got herpes from her cheating hubby and did not know until she had a bad breakout. Some STDs are not detectable for months. If hubby stays, he should wear a condom for 6 mo. until you can get follow up test for HIV and Hep. 

I had a parolee that hat Hep. That causes kidney disease. He was sleeping around and due to HIPPA I could not inform these GF.


----------



## Megaforce

Benbutton said:


> Yeah but you WANTED those groceries!!


Munchies


----------



## Evinrude58

It’s highly unlikely this trash cared whether she was married or not. He had no business going to her house, the “friend” had no business allowing him to “tag along (freaking please)”, and he had no business going to her room even if invited—- if he had any morals at all. So my assumption is that he did not care if she was married and let’s face it, the OP was not acting like a married woman.


----------



## Kgs-95

QuestionAssumptions said:


> And this is also why you must not lie about anything, even to protect his feelings. If he catches you in a lie, no matter how innocent or accidental, it may lead to him doubting you and wondering what else isn't true.


I'm going to be honest whatever he asks me. I told my 2 close friends that if he calls or texts them to answer


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> Assuming he noticed the ring, right. Better find out before imposing consequences.


He should have looked just like I did back then.


----------



## Kgs-95

Evinrude58 said:


> So the guy “tagged along” with her friend to The OP’s house! What did she the the guy was tagging along for?
> I don’t really think the OP had intent to cheat. I think there’s a good chance she was taken advantage of.
> 
> One things is for certain: It’s good we aren’t married because I’d divorce her because she does Drugs and has ****ty friends that get her drugged up and set her up with their make friends to screw her.
> 
> Since she admits she uses drugs pretty casually, I think she’s a no go for me. Luckily she’s not married to me, and considering her and her husband’s lifestyle, I think that it’s a darn high chance that she will be forgiven, probably should be forgiven, and she will hopefully grow up a wee bit and stay away from drugs and her worthless, characterless friends that contributed to possibly ruining her marriage.


He was just there as a friend of one of my female friends.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> People are also assuming that since she cannot remember the events that that automatically means that she was unconscious .
> the fact someone cannot remember a period of time does not automatically mean they were unconscious nor does it automatically mean that they were not physically active and functional and not does it mean that they were not conversive and interactive.


Fair enough. And it shouldn't be interpreted to the opposite extreme, either, that it should be assumed that she was conscious and knew what was goin going.

The question I have is what kind of decisions to people make during the time when they are conscious but black out later while under the influence of drugs or other medication? Do they behave reasonably normally or is it obvious they are out of it? It's usually pretty obvious when people are drunk or experiencing certain types of highs so I assumed her mental state should be fairly obvious. If that's not the case for opiates, I'll keep that in mind.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> This has nothing to do with it. Many men have sex while intoxicated, with women who they do not find attractive and would not tell any one they did. So maybe all those girls should be charged with sexual assault, because if the guys were not drunk, they would not have had sex with those women. I have been there and am embarrassed about it. But I take responsibility for it due to my actions that allowed it to occur. I don't blame them for taking advantage of me though.


It is a blessing and a curse, isn't it? Our crosses to bear, I guess.


----------



## Evinrude58

Kgs-95 said:


> He was just there as a friend of one of my female friends.


I’m really curious of what you are feeling towards your friend who allowed this guy to come to your place. Do you feel as I do, that having him come to your place was highly inappropriate and in light of what transpired, just plain awful?


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> He should have looked just like I did back then.


Ah, the gold standard.


----------



## Megaforce

Kgs-95 said:


> He was just there as a friend of one of my female friends.


With friends like these...


----------



## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> I understand what you are saying, I really do, but in this case, I just feel its better to keep it a her problem than an us problem. She's clearly emotionally suffering, so why not just limit that suffering to just her.


That's not an option when you have cheated. He needs to be given the chance to make his own decisions about the future after knowing the facts.


----------



## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> I agree totally best post on this topic , could easy be the best post of the year
> I FEEL SORRY FOR THE OP but she made some big mistakes and will have to now pay a high price the rest of her life no mater how it pans out
> I all so feel sorry for her husband that will have to deal with this even though he had nothing to do with it ,
> I feel the OM is a ****head and I wish karma or some think bites him hard and I to think the reason he wants to be facebook friends is he knows he was wrong and wants to cover his ass


The OM may not be any more responsible than she is.


----------



## Kgs-95

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m really curious of what you are feeling towards your friend who allowed this guy to come to your place. Do you feel as I do, that having him come to your place was highly inappropriate and in light of what transpired, just plain awful?


She has been apologetic.I thought they might be dating or close to it, but they are just friends. I didn't really care at the time. He wasn't there for me and I never thought something like this would happen. If my friend thought something would happen she wouldn't have brought him.


----------



## Megaforce

blackclover3 said:


> her husband has the right to know - holding information is considered cheating as well. he has the right to decide on what to do next. seeking therapist means he has to pay for session caused by the other guy and his wife having sex/fun. dont forget he also paid for the rental house.
> 
> No therapist is not needed. honesty is


As a practical matter, these are young folks. How does she resist any advances while awaiting an appointment?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Exit37 said:


> It is if she wasn't aroused.


Or depending on guys size or how aggressive sex was. At times my wife is sore and she is always very aroused.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> Yes and if she filed rape on guy, I would bet her girlfriend that gave her the narcotics would also be charged with felony distribution of narcotics that also led to a rape...~ 15-20yrs in DOC for her. Wonder if her state uses oranges or stripes. Her GF style will be off for a few years until parole.


Extremely unlikely. Where I practiced, prosecutors had bigger fish to fry, and, in the unlikely event the friend was charged, no judge would impose any significant time for something like this. Too much television watching if you believe this would ever happen.


----------



## Diana7

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Sure, and she should be prepared for that. And there are some husbands who see their wives as "dirty" after cheating and can't get over it. But shouldn't we be happy if it turns out it wasn't her fault or intentional, her husband forgives her for it, and her marriage doesn't collapse? Yet some people seem to be treating that as a disappointment and seem to want the husband to blame her and leave her no matter what.


Many husband's will blame the guy far more than their wives but that's usually not fair and the truth is that both are responsible for where they ended up.


----------



## oldshirt

Megaforce said:


> Extremely unlikely. Where I practiced, prosecutors had bigger fish to fry, and, in the unlikely event the friend was charged, no judge would impose any significant time for something like this. Too much television watching if you believe this would ever happen.


Agreed.

mbut as I said a number of pages back, I do not think many of these party goers are going to be tripping all over themselves to report everything that was going on that night.

there are enough skeletons in all the closets here that I think all of them would prefer everyone keeps their mouths shut and pretend none of this ever happened.

Some people here think the other party goers are going to be squealing to the BH.

While I do not trust the honor and reliability of any other any more than I could throw them, I do not think they are going rushing to tell the H anything because they will be incriminating their own bad behavior and their their own culpability.


----------



## Divinely Favored

In Absentia said:


> Interesting take on drunken sex, I must say.


Probably explains a majority of drunken ONS.


----------



## Divinely Favored

DamianDamian said:


> "Women should be able to do whatever we want. If I, as a woman walk naked down an alley outside a club at 3am, high on LSD and I have sex with a man - it's rape. No fault lies with me - that's called victim blaming. I'm a great wife and any man would be lucky to have me."


Kind of like sticking you hand through the fence and then being upset and blaming the dog that bit you.


----------



## Evinrude58

Kgs-95 said:


> She has been apologetic.I thought they might be dating or close to it, but they are just friends. I didn't really care at the time. He wasn't there for me and I never thought something like this would happen. If my friend thought something would happen she wouldn't have brought him.


Exactly what was he brought there FOR?
Your friend is no friend. She hazero business bringing him there.

you should put her in your rear view mirror. Something tells me you won’t.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

oldshirt said:


> believe it or not, there are people in the world that do not want to be with someone that goes out drinking and partying with the opposite sex, invites them back to the house and engages in drug use with them, regardless of whether they get sexually assaulted or not.


No, I believe that. And people have replied that they'd feel that way. But I also believe the OP when she said he condoned her going on the trip, going out with friends, and he knows she's done drugs in the past. As such, I think it's unlikely he'll focus on that part of the story. Could he have a problem with it? Sure. I may be wrong.



oldshirt said:


> Maybe her H will be cool with that. But there are people where drinking and partying and inviting others back to the house and taking drugs is simply not what they want for a spouse.


Oh, I'd feel that way myself. 

That said, I don't think the OP is a bad person and I wish her well.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> He was just there as a friend of one of my female friends.


Did that friend tell you anything more about him? Did she ever have sex with him? If so, under what circumstances? If not, did he ever try to have sex with her? Has she seen him try to have sex with other women?


----------



## Divinely Favored

*Deidre* said:


> All this is true, but seeing that she was led to bed by a friend and this guy wasn’t there to start with, could point to he came into bed later, had sex with her, and she wasn’t in a state to consent or not consent. Who knows, that part is speculation but I can only speak for me, and I’ve chimed in because the OP posted this in the “coping with infidelity” sub-forum, and this might not have been infidelity at all.
> 
> I think she owes it to herself to look at that night and see if she can piece things together or with the help of her friends to give her peace of mind.


Or he may have liked her and went to check on her and she invited him to bed and participated. No way of knowing w/o her memory.


----------



## Exit37

Hang in there OP, you will get through this. Let us know how it goes. You have a lot of support here, and I'd like to say all of us are hoping that this turns out okay for you.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Diana7 said:


> Many husband's will blame the guy far more than their wives but that's usually not fair and the truth is that both are responsible for where they ended up.


Yes, there are women who seek out and even instigate affairs and women who easily fall into them. I don't think the OP is one of those women based on what she's said. If she isn't, I don't think it's bad if she benefits from that kind of bias because she may actually deserve to get it.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Megaforce said:


> Extremely unlikely. Where I practiced, prosecutors had bigger fish to fry, and, in the unlikely event the friend was charged, no judge would impose any significant time for something like this. Too much television watching if you believe this would ever happen.


my wife is a prosecutor and that posts sounds like someone who thinks they know the legal system but don’t have a clue.


----------



## Divinely Favored

oldshirt said:


> But you are assuming that whether someone wants to remain with their spouse should depend on whether that spouse had sex with someone else voluntarily vs whether they got drunk and took illicit drugs and someone assaulted them.
> 
> believe it or not, there are people in the world that do not want to be with someone that goes out drinking and partying with the opposite sex, invites them back to the house and engages in drug use with them, regardless of whether they get sexually assaulted or not.
> 
> Maybe her H will be cool with that. But there are people where drinking and partying and inviting others back to the house and taking drugs is simply not what they want for a spouse.
> 
> people do not have to remain with someone like that regardless if they are sexually assaulted or not.


Exactly. If my wife wanted to go on GNO she can stay gone, it would not be tolerated. Wife agrees, and says if ones marriage was where it should be, spouses would not want to go out partying without their spouse.


----------



## Megaforce

CallingDrLove said:


> my wife is a prosecutor and that posts sounds like someone who thinks they know the legal system but don’t have a clue.


Ask your wife. I imagine it varies from place to place. But, it is absurd, IMO, to think charges would be brought never mind 15-20 years in prison, as was suggested. I tried a lot of cases, many criminal trials when I first started. Your wife will set you straight.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> It is a blessing and a curse, isn't it? Our crosses to bear, I guess.


But going by what some here post, we should have filed rape charges against these girls for climbing in our beds for a drunken romp. I have no memory of but if the girl is bragging, I must have been actively participating to a point they were bragging about it, I guess in these terms, their conquest of me.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

CallingDrLove said:


> my wife is a prosecutor [...]


Could you ask her to look at this thread and give her opinion off the record? Knowing what she's want to know or ask the OP about that we don't already know could also be helpful for everyone. I fully understand if she can't or doesn't have the time.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> Extremely unlikely. Where I practiced, prosecutors had bigger fish to fry, and, in the unlikely event the friend was charged, no judge would impose any significant time for something like this. Too much television watching if you believe this would ever happen.


Girl in Dallas sent BF pictures, they broke up and he shared her photo. Parents wanted kid prosecuted. They told them if the boy is prosecuted, so will she for distribution of child porn by sending them in 1st place. Their call.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> But going by what some here post, we should have filed rape charges against these girls for climbing in our beds for a drunken romp. I have no memory of but if the girl is bragging, I must have been actively participating to a point they were bragging about it, I guess in these terms, their conquest of me.


You forget, you are male, thus always to blame.
Interestingly, a high % of the posters proclaiming rape and that men are not susceptible to being sexually assaulted etc are males, KISA types it seems.
Quite a few of the women posters seem to accept that the guy was possibly impaired enough to vitiate consent or at least that there is no way of determining it. 
One 5hing I noticed about my female friends was they had the ability, more than my men friends, to accept and perceive that there is a dark side to some female behavior that is equal to that of males. 
Wish I had listened to them during mate selection.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Megaforce said:


> Ask your wife. I imagine it varies from place to place. But, it is absurd, IMO, to think charges would be brought never mind 15-20 years in prison, as was suggested. I tried a lot of cases, many criminal trials when I first started. Your wife will set you straight.


my comment was too vague. “that post” was meant to refer to Divinely Favored comment, not yours. We are in agreement.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> You forget, you are male, thus always to blame.
> Interestingly, a high % of the posters proclaiming rape and that men are not susceptible to being sexually assaulted etc are males, KISA types it seems.


OK, so let me flip this around on you.

I knew a woman who married a guy in the Air Force and wound up living with him at a remote base there before they got divorced. She said that while she was there, a guy saw the doctors for rectal problems and they accused him of being gay (this was before "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", when he could be discharged for that). He insisted he wasn't. They investigated. It turned out that a male medical technician was using anesthetics to knock him out and then raped him while he was unconscious.

If your experience had been that instead of a night with a reasonably attractive woman, would you be so quick to blow it off as no big deal and question whether it was rape? If you had other people telling you that you were probably just drunk and asked for it and just don't remember it, how would you feel?

Yes, a lot of men get raped in prison, where the rapists are also men, not women. Yes, I believe that women can rape and coerce men into having sex they don't want. There are also a fair number of adult women who abuse minors of both sexes. And, yes, this can be damaging to men and mess them up.

But aren't you basically saying, "Hey, having someone have sex with me while I was wasted wasn't so bad and I didn't mind so you should be OK with it, too?" when it's pretty clear she's not OK with it?


----------



## Megaforce

CallingDrLove said:


> my comment was too vague. “that post” was meant to refer to Divinely Favored comment, not yours. We are in agreement.


Right. For a minute I though maybe she practiced in Singapore or someplace where they lock folks up for spitting on the sidewalk. 
Your wife probably has her hands full with real crimes.


----------



## uwe.blab

Livvie said:


> This.
> 
> A few years ago I had outpatient surgery.
> 
> Different drugs were used, pre and post surgery.
> 
> It was a 2.5 hour drive home (during which I apparently jibber jabbered the whole way), and then a grocery store trip during which I filled a cart with food AND THE NEXT DAY I REMEMBERED NONE OF IT.
> 
> Just because she doesn't remember doesn't mean she appeared out of it to the dude, who himself was impaired.


so what if some random guy came into your bedroom and f***** you? What if you were married at the time? Were you cheating? 

These questions are just as relevant as your story about having surgery.


----------



## uwe.blab

QuestionAssumptions said:


> OK, so let me flip this around on you.
> 
> I knew a woman who married a gun in the Air Force and wound up living with him at a remote base there before they got divorced. She said that while she was there, a guy saw the doctors for rectal problems and they accused him of being gay (this was before "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", when he could be discharged for that). He insisted he wasn't. They investigated. It turned out that a male medical technician was using anesthetics to knock him out and then raped him while he was unconscious.
> 
> If your experience had been that instead of a night with a reasonably attractive woman, would you be so quick to blow it off as no big deal and question whether it was rape? If you had other people telling you that you were probably just drunk and asked for it and just don't remember it, how would you feel?
> 
> Yes, a lot of men get raped in prison, where the rapists are also men, not women. Yes, I believe that women can rape and coerce men into having sex they don't want. There are also a fair number of adult women who abuse minors of both sexes. And, yes, this can be damaging to men and mess them up.
> 
> But aren't you basically saying, "Hey, having someone have sex with me while I was wasted wasn't so bad and I didn't mind so you should be OK with it, too?" when it's pretty clear she's not OK with it?


The guy getting raped was surely cheating.


----------



## uwe.blab

QuestionAssumptions said:


> And this is also why you must not lie about anything, even to protect his feelings. If he catches you in a lie, no matter how innocent or accidental, it may lead to him doubting you and wondering what else isn't true.


If you tell this story -- and I am assuming in your original post you were being truthful -- your husband may very well think that you are lying about not knowing what happened, because you chose not to tell him anything when it did happen.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

uwe.blab said:


> If you tell this story -- and I am assuming in your original post you were being truthful -- your husband may very well think that you are lying about not knowing what happened, because you chose not to tell him anything when it did happen.


Correct, but she must not lie to try to tell him what he wants to hear because if her story starts shifting and he can prove she's lying to him by saying contradictory things, it will be very difficult to restore trust after that. If she sticks to the truth, she can offer to take a polygraph or get her friends to corroborate about the drug she took and he might eventually believe her if she's sticking to the truth.


----------



## uwe.blab

Diana7 said:


> Many husband's will blame the guy far more than their wives but that's usually not fair and the truth is that both are responsible for where they ended up.


Yeah, but in this case they are not both responsible for the sexual intercourse. This is not a "i was drunk and found the guy extremely hot" kind of cheating story. 

Were the boundaries off-- partying with friends and guys being at the house when husband wasn't there? Yes, she was wrong to do that. Big no no. 

But did she cheat? Really? Do you not have to be an active participant to cheat on your spouse?


----------



## uwe.blab

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Correct, but she must not lie to try to tell him what he wants to hear because if her story starts shifting and he can prove she's lying to him by saying contradictory things, it will be very difficult to restore trust after that. If she sticks to the truth, she can offer to take a polygraph or get her friends to corroborate about the drug she took and he might eventually believe her if she's sticking to the truth.


She absolutely should not lie or hold back on anything she knows.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> OK, so let me flip this around on you.
> 
> I knew a woman who married a gun in the Air Force and wound up living with him at a remote base there before they got divorced. She said that while she was there, a guy saw the doctors for rectal problems and they accused him of being gay (this was before "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", when he could be discharged for that. He insisted he wasn't. They investigated. It turned out that a male medical technician was using anesthetics to knock him out and then raped him while he was unconscious.
> 
> If your experience had been that instead of a night with a reasonably attractive woman, would you be so quick to blow it off as no big deal and question whether it was rape? If you had other people telling you that you were probably just drunk and asked for it and just don't remember it, how would you feel?
> 
> Yes, a lot of men get raped in prison, where the rapists are also men, not women. Yes, I believe that women can rape and coerce men into having sex they don't want. There are also a fair number of adult women who abuse minors of both sexes. And, yes, this can be damaging to men and mess them up.
> 
> But aren't you basically saying, "Hey, having someone have sex with me while I was wasted wasn't so bad and I didn't mind so you should be OK with it, too?" when it's pretty clear she's not OK with it?


Divinely favored had that experience not me. 
My position on this rape allegation issue( sorry to sidetrack here) is that there is, quite simply, insufficient evidence or information to make the assumptions that have been made. Folks have interjected some things as factual based on mere speculation extrapolating to reach a conclusion when the information provided could just as easily lead to a different conclusion. 
For example, despite no information that the woman had passed out vs merely having impaired recollection, some folks just interject that she was unconscious at the time of instigation and engagement.
Or, some claim to know the guy was not as or more impaired than her because she had not witnessed him ingesting opiates( did she have her eye on him every second?) or that he could not have had an erection due to impairment or intoxication ( morning wood, anyone, especially in your younger years, despite being loaded?).
Our society,has, forever, operated under a double standard as regards sexual assault. It is well documented that women pedophiles are treated much less harshly. There is little, if any outcry over males raped in prison ( in jail for possession of an ounce and you are gang raped? No big deal, you deserve it. It is male on male(( so, do we not prosecute offenders if their victims are the same demographics. Black on blackmcrime should not be prosecuted?))
Her friend helped her to bed. So, we conclude she was unconscious? The guy had sex with her. So, we conclude he had no impairment or that she was unwilling?
See how this works? It is biased.


----------



## uwe.blab

Megaforce said:


> Divinely favored had that experience not me.
> My position on this rape allegation issue( sorry to sidetrack here) is that there is, quite simply, insufficient evidence or information to make the assumptions that have been made. Folks have interjected some things as factual based on mere speculation extrapolating to reach a conclusion when the information provided could just as easily lead to a different conclusion.
> For example, despite no information that the woman had passed out vs merely having impaired recollection, some folks just interject that she was unconscious at the time of instigation and engagement.
> Or, some claim to know the guy was not as or more impaired than her because she had not witnessed him ingesting opiates( did she have her eye on him every second?) or that he could not have had an erection due to impairment or intoxication ( morning wood, anyone, especially in your younger years, despite being loaded?).
> Our society,has, forever, operated under a double standard as regards sexual assault. It is well documented that women pedophiles are treated much less harshly. There is little, if any outcry over males raped in prison ( in jail for possession of an ounce and you are gang raped? No big deal, you deserve it. It is male on male(( so, do we not prosecute offenders if their victims are the same demographics. Black on blackmcrime should not be prosecuted?))
> Her friend helped her to bed. So, we conclude she was unconscious? The guy had sex with her. So, we conclude he had no impairment or that she was unwilling?
> See how this works? It is biased.


you realize that 90% of rapes go unpunished, right? No, of course you don't. You are too worried about an imaginary double standard.


----------



## snowbum

Shady things happened that you’re partially responsible for. Doing drugs you shouldn’t have and getting hammered with people you didn’t really know. Do I think you deliberately cheated? No. Would I care that my husband got wasted and had sex? Yes. Lousy judgement, lousy character. I’m not saying the guys innocent.we don’t know. My suggestion is to tell the truth now with no excuse making. Do I think he’ll accept it and move on? Not really.


----------



## Benbutton

Mybabysgotit said:


> If it was one drunken night. forget it and move on and be the best wife you can be.


Eh, such a bad idea. All it takes is one more person who knows for that house of cards to fall apart. If this other guy is as much of an asshole as some here have come to believe, would you trust him to remain quiet? I've come to learn over the years the only people I can trust to 100% certainty not to talk are my dogs.


----------



## Megaforce

uwe.blab said:


> you realize that 90% of rapes go unpunished, right? No, of course you don't. You are too worried about an imaginary double standard.


You make a lot of baseless assumptions.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm going to be honest whatever he asks me. I told my 2 close friends that if he calls or texts them to answer


This in in the context of after you’ve told your husband? Yes, excellent idea, but make sure it doesn’t backfire on you; he could think you got together to get your (fictional) stories straight.


----------



## ShatteredKat

Kgs-95

Suggestion - write down your story and when you present to husband, also have a recorder going so you can review later and add details you forgot or got into another facet of your experience and did not get to discuss or answer as needed.

Wishing you not to suffer any more hurt and absolutely show empathy for your husband. 

Your story is going to murder his soul. 

You both will survive this discussion - how you end up is an unknown. 

I am hoping your husband eventually finds a way to forgive and also not divorce.


----------



## FakeNews001

Jamieboy said:


> Ah, so by your logic, if I'm wasted and I have sex with a wasted woman without her consent, it's not rape. Good to know for the future


It means that she raped you.


----------



## Casual Observer

@Kgs-95 I don’t think you’ve provided much of a backstory yet? As in, the future dreams you have with your husband? Kids down the road? How you met? Any cheating in either of your past? What you would do, what you think he would do, if you split? Are you well enough off financially that each of you could get by on your own? What major disagreements have you had in the past?

Separately, you’ve said several times in this thread that you’re never doing drugs again. Is that for real? Reactiveness won’t save your marriage, nor will grand sweeping gestures that won’t seem likely to actually get followed through. But a plan, something you’re going to work on whether you stay together or not, that could help.

I’d also caution you to not allow your husband to want to believe it was rape. That might be easy for him to do, for a while, but it won’t last. Even where it’s 100% unquestionably horrifyingly rape, marriages don’t always survive.


----------



## Diana7

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah, but in this case they are not both responsible for the sexual intercourse. This is not a "i was drunk and found the guy extremely hot" kind of cheating story.
> 
> Were the boundaries off-- partying with friends and guys being at the house when husband wasn't there? Yes, she was wrong to do that. Big no no.
> 
> But did she cheat? Really? Do you not have to be an active participant to cheat on your spouse?


My guess is that they were probably both pretty out of it with drink and drugs but yes, her decisions led to her having sex with a guy.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> My position on this rape allegation issue( sorry to sidetrack here) is that there is, quite simply, insufficient evidence or information to make the assumptions that have been made.


I think you are downplaying some of the evidence. Since it's based on what the OP said, it wouldn't stand up in court but I think it's sufficient to mention it to the OP to consider.



Megaforce said:


> For example, despite no information that the woman had passed out vs merely having impaired recollection, some folks just interject that she was unconscious at the time of instigation and engagement.


I think that this is a fair point to make but it doesn't make it unreasonable to assume she was either unconscious or obviously impaired based on what she's said. She felt awful. She was helped to bed. She still felt really awful when she woke up hours later. Her friend told her that she took more of the drug than she should have. It's not just a single line that leads to this conclusion. If she was conscious but visibly impaired, it would still be wrong to instigate sex with her.



Megaforce said:


> Or, some claim to know the guy was not as or more impaired than her because she had not witnessed him ingesting opiates( did she have her eye on him every second?) or that he could not have had an erection due to impairment or intoxication ( morning wood, anyone, especially in your younger years, despite being loaded?).


I don't think the erection point is relevant. Again, there is more support for this than you mention. Her friend should be able confirm if he did or didn't take the opiate that her friend provided. She didn't see him do it. He didn't seem as affected by after-effects as she was in the morning. He remembered and confirmed that he had sex. It's unlikely her friends carried him into the room with her and put helped him into the bed like they did with her, so he likely got himself there. It would help if the OP clarified where and how she found her clothes (which might indicate if she took them off willingly or someone else stripped her down unwillingly) and if she gave more detail of how he seemed in the morning, but all of this suggests he wasn't nearly as messed up as she was, even if he was somewhat intoxicated.

On top of that, she says she wasn't looking for sex, was surprised to find herself naked and having had sex, and was upset about it. The guy, on the other hand, admitted to it and didn't seem to have a problem with it. He joined her in her bed after he followed a bunch of women home? She had a reason to be there (her husband rented the home) but he didn't. He didn't seem to have a problem with her being married but she did. All of that suggests that he initiated the sex, not her and isn't a good person. Her reaction to what happened suggests that she would have declined or resisted sex had she not been seriously impaired or unconscious. That he tried to friend her Facebook only makes it more likely that he isn't a good person.



Megaforce said:


> Our society,has, forever, operated under a double standard as regards sexual assault. It is well documented that women pedophiles are treated much less harshly. There is little, if any outcry over males raped in prison ( in jail for possession of an ounce and you are gang raped? No big deal, you deserve it. It is male on male(( so, do we not prosecute offenders if their victims are the same demographics. Black on blackmcrime should not be prosecuted?))


And I've acknowledge all of that. Not only is there no outcry over prison rape -- they tell jokes about it. I got it. I don't think she may have been sexually assaulted just because she's a woman. I believe there are a lot of details in what she's told us that suggests she was, even though she didn't suggest that herself and isn't trying to use it as an excuse. This is a red herring. If you don't think the evidence suggests sexual assault, then explain why, without cherry picking.



Megaforce said:


> Her friend helped her to bed. So, we conclude she was unconscious? The guy had sex with her. So, we conclude he had no impairment or that she was unwilling?
> See how this works? It is biased.


From the beginning, I've talked about impairment as well as unconsciousness. I stopped talking about impairment as much because most people seem unable to imagine any level of relevant impairment between perfectly normal and unconscious. If she was helped to bed, she was impaired. My experience with drunk people and medication is that it takes time to be absorbed. People don't briefly have problems and then get better. The impairment gets worse for a while before it gets better because the alcohol and drugs take time to get absorbed.

If she had to be helped to get into bed, she was impaired. I find it far more likely that her impairment increased and she became unconscious in bed than she quickly got well enough to consent or even encourage sex when the guy came into the room. I also find it difficult to beieve that after having been helped into bed, especially if the guy saw that happen (Unknown if this happened, but where was he if he didn't see it?), that it wasn't obvious she was impaired. I've already posted a page from a law firm describing how at least the jurisdiction they're in (Ohio) can hold an intoxicated person responsible for initiating sex with another intoxicated person if they are impaired.

I think the evidence, not sexism, suggests:

She was seriously impaired if not unconscious.
She was obviously impaired if not unconscious.
She was far more impaired that he was.
He initiated the sex and she didn't want it.
The guy is a creep.
All of that points to the guy wronging her and doing something to her that she didn't want while she was too impaired to stop him. We can haggle all you want about whether it meets a strict definition of rape or it would hold up in court, but I see the OP as being wronged and not responsible for what happened beyond putting herself into the vulnerable position where it could happen and I see the guy as an amoral opportunist at best and quite possibly something far worse. She did a lot of things she shouldn't have done but it wouldn't have ended in infidelity if the guy wasn't there, and she wasn't the one who invited him to be there or encouraged him to stick around. And I'd feel the same way if the sexes were reversed, whether you want to believe that or not.

Is it possible that I'm wrong about any or all of those bullet points? Yes. And I would like more information from the OP to fill in some of the blanks she could fill in. But that's what I honestly think the evidence as presented points to. And note that the OP has never asked us to call this rape or to hide behind being a damsel in distress. She's being refreshingly self-critical, has taken responsibility for what happened, seems to want to learn from her mistakes, and hasn't appeared fragile or emotionally manipulative.

What's making a lot of people call this rape is very simple: If the guy had sex with her while she was impaired or unconscious, she couldn't have given meaningful consent and that would make it sexual assault. The one thing that would absolve the guy from that is if she was so conscious and sober at the time that he couldn't tell she was impaired. I find that highly unlikely and see no evidence that supports that. The evidence suggests the opposite (her night was bookended by being helped into bed before and waking up feeling really awful afterwards. I'm merely considering it a something that might be possible.

So what I see working is you cherry-picking to downplay the evidence that point to her being heavily impaired or unconscious, not initiating what happened, and and the guy not being a good person and then using a red herring about sexism to discredit the motives of those who believe a rape occurred and support some unlikely assumptions about her initiating the sexual contact because it's sexism to not assume she was in charge or something. Basically, ad hominem and other logical fallacy stuff instead of debating the evidence against the conclusions.

And, again, there are a lot of gaps in the evidence. I could be wrong. But this is what the evidence suggests happened to me.


----------



## Casual Observer

ShatteredKat said:


> Kgs-95
> 
> Suggestion - write down your story and when you present to husband, also have a recorder going so you can review later and add details you forgot or got into another facet of your experience and did not get to discuss or answer as needed.


This could be brilliant. Allow the husband to keep the recording, she doesn’t have access to it, and he can later judge for himself if the story is changing over time or he’s being trickle-truthed. It’s placing her trust in her husband. It dramatically raises the stakes in terms of consequences if she’s not truthful up front.

And down the road, the husband has the option of deleting the confession as an act of faith that his wife is no longer the person who cheated.


----------



## FakeNews001

lifeistooshort said:


> How do you know the guy wasn't drugging and able to give informed consent?


From the letter of the law, if they were both blacked out, they raped each other:

_If the party is so intoxicated that *he or she* cannot give legal consent, ..._


----------



## Livvie

uwe.blab said:


> so what if some random guy came into your bedroom and f***** you? What if you were married at the time? Were you cheating?
> 
> These questions are just as relevant as your story about having surgery.


My story was about drugs.


----------



## jsmart

This pondering has been going on for 2 weeks with your husband suspecting that something is up? The more time you take, the less sincere he will think you are. He may feel that if this was really such a tragic situation to you, you would have confessed immediately and that you’re just confessing now because you’re afraid that this will get back to him. 

With you already telling 2 friends, how long before the number of people that know you had sex with this guy grows? Then there’s the guy himself. Do you not think this guy has not already bragged to
some of his bros that he hooked up with you? Shoot, he’s already trying to hit you up on social media because he’s hoping to hook up with you again.

I’m going to be honest, that you admitted to checking out his profile a couple of times does not sit well with me. You already admitted that you found him attractive. How sure are you on your recollection of the evening prior to being put down to sleep by your friend? Are you certain you weren’t flirting? Was this guy a tag along or was he there for you? Were there an even number of couples or assumed pairings?


----------



## MattMatt

@Kgs-95 It was a strong opioid. Was it, by any chance, fentanyl in tablet form?


----------



## FakeNews001

Kgs-95 said:


> Probably this weekend and yes.


Darn, you had sex with your husband already?

That feels like the worst decision you made in this whole situation. Why??? Why???

Was it unprotected?


----------



## FakeNews001

sideways said:


> I'm assuming you didn't have protected sex with your husband, correct????
> 
> I have to say, your decision process is horrible!!!
> 
> Just because you've "never had an STD" does NOT mean $h!t!!!!
> 
> If I was your husband, and you tell me what happened this weekend, and that we just had unprotected sex.......that would be the nail in the coffin for me.
> 
> I mean WTF are you thinking????


Yes. At this point, I think the rape (or not) is irrelevant. Exposing her husband would be enough for a divorce decision.


----------



## Divinely Favored

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah, but in this case they are not both responsible for the sexual intercourse. This is not a "i was drunk and found the guy extremely hot" kind of cheating story.
> 
> Were the boundaries off-- partying with friends and guys being at the house when husband wasn't there? Yes, she was wrong to do that. Big no no.
> 
> But did she cheat? Really? Do you not have to be an active participant to cheat on your spouse?


The point is she does not remember so we do not know if she was active participant.
I have been a very active participant while in a blacked out state, not remembering anything about it or who the girl was. I drove home in this condition, happy I did not kill any one.
I am like wise as responsive for the sex I participated in as is the girl I had sex with. Did I enjoy it, hell if I know! Don't remember a thing about it, but the evidence was there that it occurred.

Because one is blacked out does not mean they were unconscious or in a catatonic state. Just like my issue above, I must have given her a good time being blacked out that she was bragging to friends about it.


----------



## FakeNews001

Jamieboy said:


> I'm not saying she was raped, I don't know, OP has not outright said she wasn't raped, which could be telling. However certain things stick out that make it shady. For starters, the OM knew that they had had sex. So he has recall of the previous night.
> 
> Also OP said she was put to bed alone by her friends, and woke up next to this guy. So it's fair to assume that since OM was less impaired than OP, he made the moves on her.
> 
> My first post asked if OP had flirted etc with the guy earlier on in the evening, which she has not answered. So there is reasonable suspicion in my mind that we're being trickle truthed.
> 
> So at the moment any and all possibilities are still on the table for me.
> 
> The view of many so called relationship experts is to not confess. Not to get away with it, but to save the pain it will inflict on her husband.


I think you make a lot of good points. Of course, we can only go by what the OP is telling us...


----------



## Exit37

MattMatt said:


> @Kgs-95 It was a strong opioid. Was it, by any chance, fentanyl in tablet form?


She said it was Oxymorphone.


----------



## FakeNews001

Divinely Favored said:


> The point is she does not remember so we do not know if she was active participant.
> I have been a very active participant while in a blacked out state, not remembering anything about it or who the girl was. I drove home in this condition, happy I did not kill any one.
> I am like wise as responsive for the sex I participated in as is the girl I had sex with. Did I enjoy it, hell if I know! Don't remember a thing about it, but the evidence was there that it occurred.
> 
> Because one is blacked out does not mean they were unconscious or in a catatonic state. Just like my issue above, I must have given her a good time being blacked out that she was bragging to friends about it.


I've gone back to read some of the posts I've made online that I don't remember making (after drinking). Embarrassingly, my blackout drunk self is actually a lot more reasonable and empathetic than I am. This drunk me is completely articulate (it seems from the writing), able to express deep thoughts, and I can't for the life of me remember writing any of that stuff.

I'd love to meet that guy some day, but he seems to be a better man than me...


----------



## FakeNews001

Jamieboy said:


> I'm sorry I missed that, did you even find this guy attractive? As you say, no point lying to a bunch Internet strangers.
> 
> I ask because it will inform which side I come down on with regards to confess or not. Unlike a lot here, I don't feel the need to up end your husbands entire life because you made a huge mistake, as long as you use the experience to be a better life partner and have no desire or intention of repeating it.
> 
> Unpopular opinion in these parts but hey its the Internet and u can speak my truth


It's too late. She's already had sex with her husband. He needs an STD test.


----------



## FakeNews001

Kgs-95 said:


> I am on birth control so pregnancy is not a concern. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after work and try to explain what happened. I have been putting it off because I am terrified. I'm not sure about specifics just going to try to get it out. I'm not going to lie and will tell him what I can.


Have you been continuing to have sex with your husband this whole time?


----------



## TheGodfather

MattMatt said:


> @Kgs-95 It was a strong opioid. Was it, by any chance, fentanyl in tablet form?


i think she said it was called oxymorphone


----------



## oldshirt

Divinely Favored said:


> The point is she does not remember so we do not know if she was active participant.
> I have been a very active participant while in a blacked out state, not remembering anything about it or who the girl was. I drove home in this condition, happy I did not kill any one.
> I am like wise as responsive for the sex I participated in as is the girl I had sex with. Did I enjoy it, hell if I know! Don't remember a thing about it, but the evidence was there that it occurred.
> 
> Because one is blacked out does not mean they were unconscious or in a catatonic state. Just like my issue above, I must have given her a good time being blacked out that she was bragging to friends about it.


I know a guy that woke up in his car behind a gas station ———— 600 miles and two states away. 

Not a scratch on the car and virtually no memory of how he got there.

he remembered drinking and whatever else he was taking the day before but no memory at all of the 12+ hours of driving,,, nor did he remember why he went there.

so either he was able to operate the car without incident, make a couple gas and bathroom stops and get to where he ended up without incident.

or he was abducted by aliens and the aliens didn’t have the common decency to return him back to his home state 👽


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MattMatt said:


> @Kgs-95 It was a strong opioid. Was it, by any chance, fentanyl in tablet form?


She said oxymorphone. Which I happen to have had from my recent shoulder surgery. It is on the strong side, but no where near as strong as some I've had from previous injuries and surgeries. That said, I've never taken it with alcohol. I can only imagine the amplification effect it would have.


----------



## Evinrude58

If I were OP’s husband and I considered staying with her, one if the stipulations would be no more GNO’s and no more of the “friend”that gave her drugs and brought over a scumbag who preys on women under the influence of drugs. 

So Op should go ahead and decide on that, I’ll bet her husband will feel the same way.


----------



## MattMatt

BigDaddyNY said:


> She said oxymorphone. Which I happen to have had from my recent shoulder surgery. It is on the strong side, but no where near as strong as some I've had from previous injuries and surgeries. That said, I've never taken it with alcohol. I can only imagine the amplification effect it would have.


Thanks for clearing that up for me.

According to this resource, Mixing Alcohol and Oxymorphone Hydrochloride | Side Effects and Interactions it's lucky she woke up, because her idiotic "friend" could have killed her.

It can cause blackouts and alcohol increases its effect by up to 270%.

She should report her "friend" before she does kill someone.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Evinrude58 said:


> If I were OP’s husband and I considered staying with her, one if the stipulations would be no more GNO’s and no more of the “friend”that gave her drugs and brought over a scumbag who preys on women under the influence of drugs.
> 
> So Op should go ahead and decide on that, I’ll bet her husband will feel the same way.


So begin to erect those prison walls? Only a few years married and no kids? I know if I was the husband I’d just walk. Complete lack of judgment.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think you are downplaying some of the evidence. Since it's based on what the OP said, it wouldn't stand up in court but I think it's sufficient to mention it to the OP to consider.
> 
> 
> 
> I think that this is a fair point to make but it doesn't make it unreasonable to assume she was either unconscious or obviously impaired based on what she's said. She felt awful. She was helped to bed. She still felt really awful when she woke up hours later. Her friend told her that she took more of the drug than she should have. It's not just a single line that leads to this conclusion. If she was conscious but visibly impaired, it would still be wrong to instigate sex with her.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think the erection point is relevant. Again, there is more support for this than you mention. Her friend should be able confirm if he did or didn't take the opiate that her friend provided. She didn't see him do it. He didn't seem as affected by after-effects as she was in the morning. He remembered and confirmed that he had sex. It's unlikely her friends carried him into the room with her and put helped him into the bed like they did with her, so he likely got himself there. It would help if the OP clarified where and how she found her clothes (which might indicate if she took them off willingly or someone else stripped her down unwillingly) and if she gave more detail of how he seemed in the morning, but all of this suggests he wasn't nearly as messed up as she was, even if he was somewhat intoxicated.
> 
> On top of that, she says she wasn't looking for sex, was surprised to find herself naked and having had sex, and was upset about it. The guy, on the other hand, admitted to it and didn't seem to have a problem with it. He joined her in her bed after he followed a bunch of women home? She had a reason to be there (her husband rented the home) but he didn't. He didn't seem to have a problem with her being married but she did. All of that suggests that he initiated the sex, not her and isn't a good person. Her reaction to what happened suggests that she would have declined or resisted sex had she not been seriously impaired or unconscious. That he tried to friend her Facebook only makes it more likely that he isn't a good person.
> 
> 
> 
> And I've acknowledge all of that. Not only is there no outcry over prison rape -- they tell jokes about it. I got it. I don't think she may have been sexually assaulted just because she's a woman. I believe there are a lot of details in what she's told us that suggests she was, even though she didn't suggest that herself and isn't trying to use it as an excuse. This is a red herring. If you don't think the evidence suggests sexual assault, then explain why, without cherry picking.
> 
> 
> 
> From the beginning, I've talked about impairment as well as unconsciousness. I stopped talking about impairment as much because most people seem unable to imagine any level of relevant impairment between perfectly normal and unconscious. If she was helped to bed, she was impaired. My experience with drunk people and medication is that it takes time to be absorbed. People don't briefly have problems and then get better. The impairment gets worse for a while before it gets better because the alcohol and drugs take time to get absorbed.
> 
> If she had to be helped to get into bed, she was impaired. I find it far more likely that her impairment increased and she became unconscious in bed than she quickly got well enough to consent or even encourage sex when the guy came into the room. I also find it difficult to beieve that after having been helped into bed, especially if the guy saw that happen (Unknown if this happened, but where was he if he didn't see it?), that it wasn't obvious she was impaired. I've already posted a page from a law firm describing how at least the jurisdiction they're in (Ohio) can hold an intoxicated person responsible for initiating sex with another intoxicated person if they are impaired.
> 
> I think the evidence, not sexism, suggests:
> 
> She was seriously impaired if not unconscious.
> She was obviously impaired if not unconscious.
> She was far more impaired that he was.
> He initiated the sex and she didn't want it.
> The guy is a creep.
> All of that points to the guy wronging her and doing something to her that she didn't want while she was too impaired to stop him. We can haggle all you want about whether it meets a strict definition of rape or it would hold up in court, but I see the OP as being wronged and not responsible for what happened beyond putting herself into the vulnerable position where it could happen and I see the guy as an amoral opportunist at best and quite possibly something far worse. She did a lot of things she shouldn't have done but it wouldn't have ended in infidelity if the guy wasn't there, and she wasn't the one who invited him to be there or encouraged him to stick around. And I'd feel the same way if the sexes were reversed, whether you want to believe that or not.
> 
> Is it possible that I'm wrong about any or all of those bullet points? Yes. And I would like more information from the OP to fill in some of the blanks she could fill in. But that's what I honestly think the evidence as presented points to. And note that the OP has never asked us to call this rape or to hide behind being a damsel in distress. She's being refreshingly self-critical, has taken responsibility for what happened, seems to want to learn from her mistakes, and hasn't appeared fragile or emotionally manipulative.
> 
> What's making a lot of people call this rape is very simple: If the guy had sex with her while she was impaired or unconscious, she couldn't have given meaningful consent and that would make it sexual assault. The one thing that would absolve the guy from that is if she was so conscious and sober at the time that he couldn't tell she was impaired. I find that highly unlikely and see no evidence that supports that. The evidence suggests the opposite (her night was bookended by being helped into bed before and waking up feeling really awful afterwards. I'm merely considering it a something that might be possible.
> 
> So what I see working is you cherry-picking to downplay the evidence that point to her being heavily impaired or unconscious, not initiating what happened, and and the guy not being a good person and then using a red herring about sexism to discredit the motives of those who believe a rape occurred and support some unlikely assumptions about her initiating the sexual contact because it's sexism to not assume she was in charge or something. Basically, ad hominem and other logical fallacy stuff instead of debating the evidence against the conclusions.
> 
> And, again, there are a lot of gaps in the evidence. I could be wrong. But this is what the evidence suggests happened to me.


I am merely pointing out some of the assumptions being made. That is part of the process of assessing this story. There are many, many assumptions you are making here that are not well enough supported to reach your conclusions. You raise possibilities only.
I have not engaged in any ad hominem with you. Not sure where you came up with that. I , simply, see that what you feel is evidence is extremely weak and subject to a variety of conclusions that differ from the ones you have drawn. You guess at things without considering alternatives, it seems. So, I question your assumptions.


----------



## Evinrude58

RebuildingMe said:


> So begin to erect those prison walls? Only a few years married and no kids? I know if I was the husband I’d just walk. Complete lack of judgment.


Not disagreeing, but the OP is asking for help.
Prison walls? I don’t see not going to bars and disavowing drug pushing friends to be prison walls.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Evinrude58 said:


> Not disagreeing, but the OP is asking for help.
> Prison walls? I don’t see not going to bars and disavowing drug pushing friends to be prison walls.


I meant from the husband’s perspective. A few years in and he has to start drawing red lines? Seems like it’s not worth it if it were me. Such little invested.


----------



## Tdbo

Evinrude58 said:


> Not disagreeing, but the OP is asking for help.
> Prison walls? I don’t see not going to bars and disavowing drug pushing friends to be prison walls.


Agreed. I don't see showing some restraint in lieu of commonsense, or showing some good faith and respect for her husband (if he is willing to continue after this poo panini is served up) as prison walls.
It would be best labeled as "Damn Lucky" if he gives her a heaping helping of grace after this debacle.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Tdbo said:


> Agreed. I don't see showing some restraint in lieu of commonsense, or showing some good faith and respect for her husband (if he is willing to continue after this poo panini is served up) as prison walls.
> It would be best labeled as "Damn Lucky" if he gives her a heaping helping of grace after this debacle.


Again, I meant too much work from the husband’s perspective. I should have said prison warden instead of prison walls.


----------



## Gabriel

Guessing it's confession time about now. Good luck OP


----------



## BRAZIL

If he came with your friend, why did she leave without him?


----------



## BRAZIL

Sorry posted in wrong place


----------



## BRAZIL

Kgs-95 said:


> She has been apologetic.I thought they might be dating or close to it, but they are just friends. I didn't really care at the time. He wasn't there for me and I never thought something like this would happen. If my friend thought something would happen she wouldn't have brought him.


If he came with your friend, why would she leave without him?


----------



## Teacherwifemom

gameopoly5 said:


> OMG, this is terrible.
> You had sex with a guy in a rental apartment meant for you and your husband and probably in the bed you intend to use with your husband, in other words in the marital bed.
> When you woke up at 5 in the morning you still did not return to your husband but continued to stay with that guy in the apartment.
> *There was no flirting between us and we barely interacted.*
> I would not describe having sex as barely interacting. Having sex is the most interaction one can have with another person.
> At first I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt and I took some flack from some posters for that, but now I believe you went out that evening to party knowing it would involved sex, drink and drugs and the worse part is that you used your rental.
> You`ve really sh*tted on your husband.
> I can`t say anymore otherwise I`ll be banned from these forums.





BRAZIL said:


> If he came with your friend, why did she leave without him?


I’m not reading back through everything again, but I thought they all stayed overnight. I don’t recall her saying the female friend that brought him left. And there were others too. It wasn’t just the 3 of them, but I’m not clear how many there were.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> I am merely pointing out some of the assumptions being made. That is part of the process of assessing this story. There are many, many assumptions you are making here that are not well enough supported to reach your conclusions. You raise possibilities only.


It's impossible to discuss what the OP should do without making some assumptions or guesses about what happened. Everyone here is doing that. How much evidence does one need to do that? This isn't a court. 

Also, see my username. I'm pretty aware of the assumptions I'm making and have repeatedly acknowledged I could be wrong. My point is that I think I'm stating what I think most likely happened because that's what I think the evidence suggests, not because I'm trying to white knight for the OP.



Megaforce said:


> I have not engaged in any ad hominem with you. Not sure where you came up with that.


And ad hominem is "_Attacking a person's character or motivations rather than a position or argument._" It's arguing "to the person" rather than to what they are saying. When you start arguing that people's positions are motivated by sexism or a desire to white knight the OP, you are no longer debating what they are saying. You are attacking their character and motivations, instead. That's an ad hominem argument.



Megaforce said:


> I , simply, see that what you feel is evidence is extremely weak and subject to a variety of conclusions that differ from the ones you have drawn. You guess at things without considering alternatives, it seems. So, I question your assumptions.


We all make decisions based on feelings. What we believe is or isn't plausible is based on the experiences we've had and how we feel about things. It's not about sexism or anything else. I simply weigh the evidence differently than you do and feel differently about it. The argument I made is compelling enough for me. You find that hard to believe because you don't find it compelling. That's fine. Stop trying to find some sort of psychological defect in those who disagree with you to explain it. People believe that if two people understand the same evidence correctly that they should come to the some conclusions about that. It doesn't work that way.

By all means question my assumptions. My username is a reminder to me, too. But please focus on the evidence I'm looking at and and why you think my conclusions are wrong or unlikely instead of trying to write it off as sexism, double standards, or white knighting a damsel i distress. I'm fine accepting that you don't find my arguments compelling. I don't need a deeper explanation. And, yes, I know you weren't just directing that argument against me, but you should be engaging their arguments instead of their character, too.


----------



## ShatteredKat

Kgs-95

Hoping today goes as well as you wish -


----------



## In Absentia

OP is looking but not replying... strange.


----------



## ShatteredKat

All, give the woman a break. She walked onto a pond thinking the ice was safe.

It wasn't - 

Hindsight - the old 20-20 thing


She is looking for "magic words" to use when she reveals the result of her defective judgement.

One can try to wrap the Merde Panini any way possible and cover it with all kinds of "condiments" - but the content
is still the same. 

She is very fearful she has killed her marriage. If she really loves here husband (I believe she does) - she is mortified at the pain her revelation will bring into his life.

They stay together - they have this Pink Elephant in the room - forever. 

Her life really is awful today.


----------



## Harold Demure

Jimi007 said:


> How is any of this helpful ? Good job of shaming the poster for asking for advice.
> Stop protecting your BS..


Just re-read my post. You are right, apologies.


----------



## jsmart

BRAZIL said:


> If he came with your friend, why would she leave without him?


Excellent question. Even if she didn’t leave, why would he be roaming around the house looking to hookup?

If this guy snuck into the room after she was tucked in by her friend, like she thinks, then the guy must have thought it was ok to do that. Why is that? Also. No one saw or heard him going into the room? No one heard them having sex?

I have to wonder , Why didn’t he leave when people started to leave or did everyone crash at the house? If so, was everyone pairing up into couples for the night? I’m sensing sincerity from OP but I have some doubts if she really didn’t flirt with the guy or if he was actually there for her. She did say she found him attractive. Then when he hit her up on social media, she perused his page a few times? Like I. Said earlier, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I guess she wanted to know who it was she had sex with.

She either was assaulted in a drugged state ( she was sore down below). If that was the case, did her friend have a hand in it? Or she was giving out the vibe throughout the evening that she was DTF and is subconsciously forgetting how the night progressed, as a protective shield to keep her innocence.


----------



## Rus47

In Absentia said:


> OP is looking but not replying... strange.


IMO not strange at all. Would be astounded if OP had any time to even look. Once she spills the beans, there will be a lot of yelling, cussing, crying, for days. And weeks. And months. 

OP will be fully occupied, at least over this long weekend engaged in damage control to best of her ability. A real shame that Christmas and New Years will forever be blacklisted and burned into the brains of OP and her husband. All for what?


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> It's impossible to discuss what the OP should do without making some assumptions or guesses about what happened. Everyone here is doing that. How much evidence does one need to do that? This isn't a court.
> 
> Also, see my username. I'm pretty aware of the assumptions I'm making and have repeatedly acknowledged I could be wrong. My point is that I think I'm stating what I think most likely happened because that's what I think the evidence suggests, not because I'm trying to white knight for the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> And ad hominem is "_Attacking a person's character or motivations rather than a position or argument._" It's arguing "to the person" rather than to what they are saying. When you start arguing that people's positions are motivated by sexism or a desire to white knight the OP, you are no longer debating what they are saying. You are attacking their character and motivations, instead. That's an ad hominem argument.
> 
> 
> 
> We all make decisions based on feelings. What we believe is or isn't plausible is based on the experiences we've had and how we feel about things. It's not about sexism or anything else. I simply weigh the evidence differently than you do and feel differently about it. The argument I made is compelling enough for me. You find that hard to believe because you don't find it compelling. That's fine. Stop trying to find some sort of psychological defect in those who disagree with you to explain it. People believe that if two people understand the same evidence correctly that they should come to the some conclusions about that. It doesn't work that way.
> 
> By all means question my assumptions. My username is a reminder to me, too. But please focus on the evidence I'm looking at and and why you think my conclusions are wrong or unlikely instead of trying to write it off as sexism, double standards, or white knighting a damsel i distress. I'm fine accepting that you don't find my arguments compelling. I don't need a deeper explanation. And, yes, I know you weren't just directing that argument against me, but you should be engaging their arguments instead of their character, too.


The evidence is incomplete and from one source alone. So, reaching the conclusions you have is just guessing. These guesses have no value and are biased.


----------



## SunCMars

Jamieboy said:


> I understand what you are saying, I really do, but in this case, I just feel its better to keep it a her problem than an us problem. She's clearly emotionally suffering, so why not just limit that suffering to just her.


Thise outside forces, some having (intermediary) human faces, have other plans.

Fate is in motion, the end place, is not hers to choose.

This was a setup, one purposely devised. Not by mere humans.
Nay, they are too weak.

Our OP has some new fate brewing, its outing will be, at the determined time, so witnessed.

_King Brian-_


----------



## SunCMars

ABHale said:


> I really believe the story is a fabrication, she is trying to save her marriage.


Why use us, we are not part of the play?


----------



## SunCMars

BigDaddyNY said:


> There is part of me that agrees. This is just a story that she is refining here.


That refining, can be our advice, swallowed, followed, and adhered to. (((?)))

_Are Dee-_


----------



## Sfort

So much speculation. SMH.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> The evidence is incomplete and from one source alone. So, reaching the conclusions you have is just guessing. These guesses have no value and are biased.


And we're on a message board responding to that one source asking for advice, not in a courtroom. There is only one source and her account is incomplete, in part because she claims she can't remember anything. That's what we have. People are working with what they have to try to offer their (biased) opinions and offer advice to the OP based on their guesses and speculation about what she's said and who she is. If you really don't think it has any value, then why are you participating?


----------



## Beach123

Why not wait until she tells us she told her husband what happened? 
stop speculating people!


----------



## Rus47

ABHale said:


> The only thing I was drinking was Bacardi 151 mixed with Pepsi.


That is some tuff stuff😐


----------



## Rus47

Beach123 said:


> Why not wait until she tells us she told her husband what happened?
> stop speculating people!


I believe we will wait a very long time for that. (Speculation, sorry)


----------



## sideways

She came here for help.

Certainly understand letting her know that some of the things she did were wrong and how it's going to affect her husband. However to call her a liar? 

I sure hope she comes back but I'd also understand if she doesn't.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Beach123 said:


> Why not wait until she tells us she told her husband what happened?
> stop speculating people!





Rus47 said:


> *I believe we will wait a very long time for that.* (Speculation, sorry)


With some of the vitriol being spewed here that may very well be the case. Can't say I'd blame her.


----------



## Sfort

Rubix Cubed said:


> With some of the vitriol being spewed here that may very well be the case. Can't say I'd blame her.


There are still some of us here who will treat her with respect and try to help her. She can ignore the people who know it all even when she doesn’t. Even if she’s lying to us, when she comes clean, we can try to help her. Not everyone who posts here is perfect (even though we’re all above average.)


----------



## Anastasia6

There is really no reason for her to come back. She was looking for advice on telling her husband. She presumably has now told her husband. No need to come back. She doesn't owe us an 'ending' to the story. She doesn't need the vitrol being spewed. It's now in her and her husbands hands.


----------



## Rus47

Rubix Cubed said:


> With some of the vitriol being spewed here that may very well be the case. Can't say I'd blame her.


I guess have missed the vitriol. Have seen advice to tell hubby asap, get tested, stay away from drugs. Maybe some who think she is just garden variety cheater were triggered by that.

I don’t think she will have time, energy, or need to post. She will be fully engaged with hubby, her “friends”, OM, STD testing. Maybe seeing attorney. All while trying to keep her job.


----------



## CallingDrLove

It’s not her job to provide the readers some vicarious drama.

I think a lot of the comments on these boards are people taking out their own hurts and insecurities on others.


----------



## jsmart

I don't get a sense that she’s purposely lying. I think she’s either subconsciously or maybe even willfully forgetting her actions earlier in the evening leading up to being tucked in, which will reveal that she was indeed flirting and giving out the vibe that she was into this guy, or this was an actual sexual assault. We need more details on what took place at the bar and later at the house, if this was an evening that had people pairing up as partners with this “attractive “ guy unspokenly being there for her.

But if this dude snuck into her room and had his way with a semiconscious woman that had no idea what was going on, then I wonder if her friend knows more about what went down. That her friend basically helped OP to roofy herself, which enabled an assault, has to be looked into. A true friend, giving an already drunk person a drug would have said, “here take only HALF because these are strong.”

If she has finally confessed, then they are going through hell right now, which would explain her not updating us yet. We men are very possessive over our wives/girlfriends. The thing that he loves most in the word was either violated or she gave herself to another, so he is spiraling. Based on what was said, I’d imagine that he is going to think it was an assault which may trigger his protective side. He will insist on getting to the bottom of it all calling everyone for details. It will also cause him to blame himself for letting her go alone. I truly wish them luck getting through this. Like a few have said, Christmas will forever be tainted for him.


----------



## Exit37

Well, since we're all putting forth our theories... I think she lost her nerve last night and didn't have the conversation with him yet. She's checked in a few times because she is trying to work up the nerve, and find the right time, to bring it up with him today. OP, if you read this, know that you will never find the perfect time, you need to just sit him down when you know he doesn't have anything going on for a few hours and get it over with. Just muster the courage and get it done.


----------



## Sfort

We’re assuming she told him. Maybe she didn’t.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> And we're on a message board responding to that one source asking for advice, not in a courtroom. There is only one source and her account is incomplete, in part because she claims she can't remember anything. That's what we have. People are working with what they have to try to offer their (biased) opinions and offer advice to the OP based on their guesses and speculation about what she's said and who she is. If you really don't think it has any value, then why are you participating?
> [/QUOTExactly, advice, which she has been given as roto the best approach to tell her husband: the entire truth, consistency, patience, his expected reaction. She never asked for speculation re her being unconscious, or whether she was sexually assaulted, or the level of the parties impairment.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

@Kgs-95 you are under no obligation to update us on how things are going and should do whatever is best for you going forward.

Replying with how things are going might be helpful for others in a similar situation to know how talking to your husband went for you. It might also be helpful for someone on the other side of this like our husband who is facing a remorseful spouse confessing to a situation like yours and it might help them better understand what their spouse is going through. You can also start a new thread if you thought this one was helpful and need additional advice after talking to your husband to focus on the conversation on the new situation if there are still some problems to sort out. There is no rush to do any of that and no need to do any of it if you don't want to.

Do whatever you think is best for you to get the help you need with your situation, even if that means dropping this conversation and moving on with your life. Best wishes if you don't come back.


----------



## Evinrude58

A true friend would give a drunk woman only HALF the pill? Lol.
I’m thinking a true friend woujd have made absolutely sure she was safe, not giving her ANY drugs, not dragging her predatory male Tagalongs to her married, drunk, drugged friend’s house, and certainly not just leave her to be assaulted.

however, the OP alluded to things regarding the man she was with that she thinks might have happened so that she didn’t wake up, freak out, and been MAD AS HELL at this guy—- which she hasn’t divulged.

s She us accepting responsibility, is going to tell her husband hopefully, and perhaps come back and give more info.

regardless, the friend is no friend. She’s a terribly irresponsible person, very similar to the OP……


----------



## Rus47

Exit37 said:


> Well, since we're all putting forth our theories... I think she lost her nerve last night and didn't have the conversation with him yet. She's checked in a few times because she is trying to work up the nerve, and find the right time, to bring it up with him today. OP, if you read this, know that you will never find the perfect time, you need to just sit him down when you know he doesn't have anything going on for a few hours and get it over with. Just muster the courage and get it done.


Understandable. Especially on a long holiday weekend that is supposed to be fun for a married couple. I can imagine the hesitation. But as you write, there will never be a "good" time to get it done. He needs to get tested. That is the main thing. He needs to get tested.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> Exactly, advice, which she has been given as roto the best approach to tell her husband: the entire truth, consistency, patience, his expected reaction. She never asked for speculation re her being unconscious, or whether she was sexually assaulted, or the level of the parties impairment.


I think that's a legitimate point, but more broadly the focus should be on helping her deal with her situation. I think that raising the issue that maybe she was sexually assaulted (so she could consider that possibility and understand that he husband may see it that way), discussing her possible levels and types of impairment (which seemed to something she was thinking about and might help her understand what happened to her), and discussing what happened while she was unconscious and the guys role in what happened (since she can't remember what happened and seemed to be wondering about that, too) were all legitimate things to discuss with the OP to provide context and understanding, given her situation, even a lot of it was speculative, some discussions went off on tangents (like this one), and not all of the commentary was helpful to her and some was a bit hostile.


----------



## Openminded

Anastasia6 said:


> There is really no reason for her to come back. She was looking for advice on telling her husband. She presumably has now told her husband. No need to come back. She doesn't owe us an 'ending' to the story. She doesn't need the vitrol being spewed. It's now in her and her husbands hands.


More than a few don’t come back — for good reason.


----------



## Megaforce

Openminded said:


> More than a few don’t come back — for good reason.


There is nothing to be gained by returning. She got decent advice from betrayed folks re how they would have liked to be given the information, as well as some indication of the possible outcomes. That is what she asked for.


----------



## oldshirt

Anastasia6 said:


> There is really no reason for her to come back. She was looking for advice on telling her husband. She presumably has now told her husband. No need to come back. She doesn't owe us an 'ending' to the story. She doesn't need the vitrol being spewed. It's now in her and her husbands hands.


It's true that she doesn't owe us any follow up. And quite frankly, she has been a lot more resilient that the vast majority of the WS's that show up here and get attacked. 

But saying this will all be over when she tells her H is like telling a pregnant person it will all be over when the baby is born. 

This is only the beginning.


----------



## Openminded

Megaforce said:


> There is nothing to be gained by returning. She got decent advice from betrayed folks re how they would have liked to be given the information, as well as some indication of the possible outcomes. That is what she asked for.


I agree.


----------



## Anastasia6

oldshirt said:


> It's true that she doesn't owe us any follow up. And quite frankly, she has been a lot more resilient that the vast majority of the WS's that show up here and get attacked.
> 
> But saying this will all be over when she tells her H is like telling a pregnant person it will all be over when the baby is born.
> 
> This is only the beginning.


It is just the beginning but updating us doesn't have to be part of her future. Sure if she wants more opinions then she can come back. However once she tells her husband then it's a whole different ballgame and her best source of info is most likely her husband.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

oldshirt said:


> But saying this will all be over when she tells her H is like telling a pregnant person it will all be over when the baby is born.
> 
> *This is only the beginning.*


And this is exactly why she SHOULD come back with an update. There are many more hurdles coming her way that she could use the advice on, good or bad.
It might not be wise for them to both be here but her husband could get a lot of support here as well.
A new thread with a lot less chaff would be the best way to go.


----------



## oldshirt

Anastasia6 said:


> It is just the beginning but updating us doesn't have to be part of her future. Sure if she wants more opinions then she can come back. However once she tells her husband then it's a whole different ballgame and her best source of info is most likely her husband.





Rubix Cubed said:


> And this is exactly why she SHOULD come back with an update. There are many more hurdles coming her way that she could use the advice on, good or bad.
> It might not be wise for them to both be here but her husband could get a lot of support here as well.
> A new thread with a lot less chaff would be the best way to go.


*WE *want her to come back out of our own morbid curiosity. 

However what she and her H *SHOULD *do is get into professional MC as soon as possible.


----------



## ABHale

Rus47 said:


> That is some tuff stuff😐


Young and dumb and bulletproof.


----------



## oldshirt

For some reason, this story is reminding me of an old 1980s teen sex movie back before it was politically incorrect to make comedy movies about teenagers getting drunk and having sex. 

I can't remember the name of the movie but in one of the final scenes after a long series of blunders and chaos, the physics nerd is waking up in bed all hung over with the hot and popular cheerleader who was also coming to all hung over and disoriented and was initially shocked to find herself in bed with the nerd. 

The dialog went like this - 

Nerd: "Did we......... (makes gestures indicating they hooked up)"

Cheerleader : (initially looking a little apprehensive) " I think so."

Nerd: (in a little disbelief) Oh wow. ..... Well, did you enjoy it?"

Cheerleader: (initially in deep contemplation,, then breaks a little smile) "Yeah, I think I did!"

Nerd: (smirks with pride at first, then look of confusion) Cool,,, but did *I *enjoy it??"

Cheerleader: (Just gives him a nasty look that in essence says, 'do-you-need-to-ask?") 

Nerd: "Oh, yeah, of course I did."


----------



## Kgs-95

I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
. 

.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

Kgs-95 said:


> I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
> .
> 
> .


Sending you both cyber strength to get through tonight.


----------



## sideways

oldshirt said:


> For some reason, this story is reminding me of an old 1980s teen sex movie back before it was politically incorrect to make comedy movies about teenagers getting drunk and having sex.
> 
> I can't remember the name of the movie but in one of the final scenes after a long series of blunders and chaos, the physics nerd is waking up in bed all hung over with the hot and popular cheerleader who was also coming to all hung over and disoriented and was initially shocked to find herself in bed with the nerd.
> 
> The dialog went like this -
> 
> Nerd: "Did we......... (makes gestures indicating they hooked up)"
> 
> Cheerleader : (initially looking a little apprehensive) " I think so."
> 
> Nerd: (in a little disbelief) Oh wow. ..... Well, did you enjoy it?"
> 
> Cheerleader: (initially in deep contemplation,, then breaks a little smile) "Yeah, I think I did!"
> 
> Nerd: (smirks with pride at first, then look of confusion) Cool,,, but did *I *enjoy it??"
> 
> Cheerleader: (Just gives him a nasty look that in essence says, 'do-you-need-to-ask?")
> 
> Nerd: "Oh, yeah, of course I did."


"Sixteen Candles"


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
> .
> 
> .


You did the upright and moral thing. You can look at yourself in the mirror.


----------



## Exit37

Kgs-95 said:


> I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
> .
> 
> .


Hang in there Kgs…. You stood up and did the right thing, and it sounds like it went about a well as you could expect. Your husband really sounds like a good guy, I’m glad he didn’t flip out too bad. Just keep being there for him, answer all his questions and give him all the support you can. I’m hopeful that the two of you will get through this. Take care.


----------



## jsmart

Just saw that you updated that you confessed. He is spiraling and has to put on a happy face for all the company that’s coming over. If you would have confessed that morning while you were still there, you could have solved this mystery of did you get assaulted or were you buck wild with attractive guy. My advice is to help him with the investigation that this deserves.


----------



## Exit37

.


----------



## Sfort

Kgs-95 said:


> I told him last night. It was pretty bad.


Good for you. Just don’t try to make an excuse for anything that happened. He is extremely wounded. When his temper flares and he calls you every name in the book, just accept it for now. He is not thinking rationally. Over time, it will either work out or it won’t.

You‘ve gotten some help and some criticisms here, but we can probably help with whatever happens next.


----------



## jsmart

went pretty well? No this dude is seething and deeply wounded. There’s nothing more valuable to this guy than his wife. He will be having mind movies of her having passionate sex with this guy. I know she was out of it and doesn’t recall but that’s not what her husband will be thinking. He also may have violent thoughts towards OM. That she took 2 weeks to confess will not help. 

I hope he can hold it together through the evening. I’m sure that someone will pick up on the tension and body language between the two of them. This is NOT over. I feel horrible for the guy.


----------



## Openminded

Too late now but the timing on that (just before hosting a family party) could have been better. There is no bigger blow than what you delivered and having to face people the next day is really tough. Apparently he thinks he can fake it since he didn’t want to cancel but had you mentioned that beforehand I doubt you would have been encouraged to pick that time. Hopefully he’ll get through it.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.


Here is the thing, even if after this if your marriage survives (that is he does not file for divorce), you will have to realize that he may never ever trust you again. 

So, are you prepared for a marriage in which he may never trust you again? I know you assume you can build trust, and maybe you can, but there are no guarantees.


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> . I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.


You will have to let him process it at his own pace. He is in a state of shock for now. His mood will likely swing wildly in the days, weeks, snd months to come. 

Imagine if the roles were reversed and you will have some small sense of where he is.

You are at the beginning of a long journey, and the destination is unknown.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.


Once you and your husband talk more, you may want to start a new message thread here focuses on reconciliation advice and how to help your husband and yourself through this.

If you can afford it and your husband is willing, you may want to talk to therapists, both individually and a marriage counselor for both of you, to help you through this. A therapist may also help you deal with what happened to you.

You may want to look at advice for "waywards" and about "reconciliation" to get a better idea of what you should be doing, what to expect, and what you can do to support your husband. 

The advice in the first message at this link may be useful for you. It often assumes a more intentional and long-lasting affair than what happened with you, so it may not all be useful to you, but you may find a lot of it useful and worth reading. The parts that don't apply to you should also help you realize that you are starting from a much better place than a lot of wayward spouses toward reconciliation because you didn't intentionally cheat, you had no emotional attachment to the guy you cheated with, you aren't blaming your husband for what happened at all, and you've taken responsibility for what you've done. You also did good by seeking out advice and then following it, as painful as that may have been for both of you.


----------



## Diana7

Dr. Ken said:


> The big issue now, is not the 1 night affair, but being honest. Where a lot of couples get in trouble is not the act but the cover-up. The fact that you were unconscious during the event is clearly a mitigating factor and will likely lesson the blow. Just let him know how devastated you are, how disappointed he must be, and your willingness to make sure you never lose control again.
> REDACTED


She never said she was unconscious, just that she didnt remember. They can be 2 different things.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though.


Keep an eye on him. If he looks like he's having trouble, support him and let him know that you are there support him in any way he needs, if you have the opportunity. If he looks like he's getting emotional or having trouble keeping his composure, help him out and maybe even give him a reason to step away and go somewhere private (you can ask him if he can go to another room, a basement, or outside to do something for you as an excuse for him to leave, with or without you) to give him some room to compose himself. But also be aware that you might be a trigger for strong emotions for him right now, so give him some space if he needs it. If you think he needs you to step away for a bit to give him room or asks you to leave him alone for a while, make an excuse if you need to and do it.

Good luck.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

However this plays out OP, I hope you stick to your decision to never do drugs again. You're playing Russian roulette with your life otherwise.


----------



## Rus47

Diana7 said:


> She never said she was unconscious, just that she didnt remember. They can be 2 different things.


The not remembering will be tough to convince her husband of. When he asks her the thousands of questions to come “I dont remember” won’t play well with him. 

She needs advice of how to convince him whatever she says is true. I have no idea how to accomplish that. Can psychotherapy restore lost memories?


----------



## Wolfman1968

In the coming days, he will likely have many questions and many emotions. 

Although this situation is different that a secret affair, there will be some overlap in his emotions to those kind of circumstances.

If you wish to heal your marriage, the most important thing is 100% transparency, and to be willing to do what he needs to heal from what feels like a horrible betrayal to him. (I'm going to avoid the whole "ability to consent" debate that has consumed this thread, because the taking of drugs with friends and inviting dudes over will still feel like a betrayal to your husband, and that still will have to be addressed.)

There are those posters in TAM who have reconciled various types of betrayals, and others in whom reconciliation has failed. Please use the community as a resource to help you navigate your way through this, using their prior experiences as a guide.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
> .


There are worse things than tonight being a disaster. What matters is where you end up. You need to focus on that. It will help deal with the pain and discomfort you've caused your husband and yourself. 

You may run into some issues regarding full disclosure and truthfulness down the road. The problem is that what you don't remember... frankly, it's not completely believable. And yet I believe you don't remember. It's not just the drugs and alcohol; it's also your brain trying to protect you from something you're not able to deal with. You were in, or may be in now, a bit of a dissociative state. Memories will likely start coming back to you though, as you begin to mentally heal from what went on. 

And that's a problem because it can appear that you've been trickle-truthing, possibly even gas-lighting your husband, and nothing could be worse for him. He needs to understand that you're also in a state of shock, although it's one you're totally responsible for yourself. You've got to make that last part clear. You're not looking for excuses for what you did. But there are reasons why trying to make sense of what you did is going to mess with your memories. Parts of you are going to do everything they can to protect you from those memories, because they want to deny that you were capable of such things. Those parts may tell you, the easiest way out of this is to allow the rape story to become dominant, and that it's trauma from that that is keeping you from recalling everything. DON'T GO THERE. 

Dissociation is from trauma, in this case, self-created. 

So you need to assure him that, if more memories come to you, that you're going to share them with him. Let him know that you understand, from his perspective, that things could actually feel worse later than they do now. 

Another thing, really important. You can't take away from his agency by not telling him things that you're afraid he'll not like the truth about. People pick up on that, mostly because the person hiding things will say something like "I don't want to tell you because I'll get in trouble." It's actually blame-shifting when you do that.

You need a lot of help and support. I wish you the very best.


----------



## Sfort

You might want to suggest taking a polygraph to prove that you don’t remember what happened. He can only ask two or three questions. If he sees an absolute commitment on your part to telling the truth, it may help.


----------



## Megaforce

Glad he knows. It is a very traumatic experience for him. He may be very adversely effected. Many times there will be appetite loss, inability to sleep, job performance problems, and anxiety and depression. 
Essentially, his whole world has been rocked. Others here can attest to how traumatized they were. 
Advise him to seek professional help. He may need antianxiety meds and counseling and something to help him sleep.
I told my boss as the effects were showing at work. I lost 47lbs from a very fit body in 2-3 months and people thought I was dying.
If you have any preconceived notions on what this is like for a betrayed that are based on movies , television or superficial novels or magazines forget them. The reality is nothing like it is portrayed in these. 
This will be a life changing event many times. My ability to trust was forever taken away. I can no longer form truly intimate relationships. I am sad a lot of the time. Hopefully, he is more resilient. Some folks are and a lot depends on their childhoods and past exposure to betrayal.
A good book explaining the reasons for the variation in effect is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing " bybSusan Anderson. It explains the way neurochemicals affect different people differently depending on their past experience. 
Your husband will be very fragile for a good long time, potentially. He will not be his normal self. He is extremely wounded, I expect. 
I hope he is alright. I never was again.


----------



## Evinrude58

Good luck. Be prepared for questions. That you can’t abswer


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Kgs-95 said:


> I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.


*You absolutely did the right thing.*
Short of telling him when it first happened you now have the best chance for a positive outcome.

Yes, He will be processing this for a long while and will have big swings between anger and sadness. Try to help him through these by being close when he wants and giving him space when he doesn't. Don't follow him around like a puppy trying to force your penance. Answer all questions as honestly and completely as you can. Hold nothing back and as has been suggested offer to take a polygraph test if he would like you to. Basically, be there for him.


----------



## ElOtro

Sfort said:


> So if she doesn’t tell her husband, she’s protecting OM. That’s an interesting thought.


IF she do not tell her husband she is the facto preotecting the OM.
Not her intention? That don´t change at all the fact that the OM received protection from her silence, whatever the reasons she may have to keep it hidden.


----------



## Sfort

ElOtro said:


> IF she do not tell her husband she is the facto preotecting the OM.
> Not her intention? That don´t change at all the fact that the OM received protection from her silence, whatever the reasons she may have to keep it hidden.


She already told him.


----------



## Young at Heart

Kgs-95 said:


> I have had my hands full. I told him last night it was pretty bad. Been terrible. He didn't kick me out or talk about divorce so maybe that is a good sign. I think he knows i didn't intend to do this. I am cooking a holiday type meal for both of our families tonight, he still wants us to do it. I am hoping it isn't a disaster tonight. He is pissed and hurt of course. I think he is still processing. It was really bad though. Some people are already here so we haven't talked about it in a few hours. Our families don't know anything. I have no idea how the next few days will be. I'm not sure what he is thinking or where he is at with it as of right now.
> .


Good luck. First thing first, in 30 years you will look back on this with much less emotion. Either you and your H will have divorced and you will have moved on with your life a wiser and more mature/faithful person, who has found happiness, or you and your H will have had a hard time but reconciled and come out of this stronger. Either way, focus on living a good life and doing the right thing.

Yes, it is going to be hard, yes, you will feel humiliated and embarrassed at times. Sometimes we make mistakes in life and have to own up to them and live with the consequences. Things will get better if you stay positive.

I wish you luck and I wish your husband luck. Get yourself and your H into counseling and the two of you into marriage counseling, as it will help both of you.


----------



## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> .
> 
> She needs advice of how to convince him whatever she says is true. I have no idea how to accomplish that. Can psychotherapy restore lost memories?


Whether any kind of therapy or hypnosis or anything actually recovers *factual *memory at all is highly debatable and dubious at best. 

Back in the late 80s and early 90s there was a fad of people in therapy that supposedly "recovered" memories of parents and uncles and brothers and cousins etc molesting them. A lot of families were torn apart and some people even got into legal trouble where there was no evidence at all that any of that stuff actually happened. And these were with people that were sober and with no drug or alcohol involvement. 

Whether anything can recover FACTUAL memories from a chemically induced black out period is highly unlikely.


----------



## ElOtro

Kgs-95 said:


> I have my suspicions but I can't know for sure


Of course no one can be sure if you are not.
But anyhow, can you tell us about what you suspect?


----------



## Livvie

Dr. Ken said:


> The big issue now, is not the 1 night affair, but being honest. Where a lot of couples get in trouble is not the act but the cover-up. The fact that you were unconscious during the event is clearly a mitigating factor and will likely lesson the blow. Just let him know how devastated you are, how disappointed he must be, and your willingness to make sure you never lose control again.
> REDACTED


No one knows she was "unconscious". She has had a blackout but that does not mean she was unconscious.


----------



## Cynthia

Kgs-95 said:


> It would have had to happen when everyone left\went to sleep. My Friend (who is a woman) got me to bed.


Why did your friend help you to bed? Were you unable to walk by yourself? If you couldn't walk without help, then it is most likely that you were raped.



Kgs-95 said:


> I think he came in when I was already in bed and out of it. Those pills are very strong and I doubt I got back up but maybe. I just don't really know one way or another.


You're lucky to be alive. I looked those pills up. It seems that they would be likely to knock you out, but taken with such a large amount of alcohol sounds highly dangerous.


Kgs-95 said:


> It was just clear what happened and I was very sore


This is another indication that you were raped. His response to you the following morning would indicate that he has done this before. 
Who gave you the pill?
What you did regarding losing complete control over yourself was bad, but that doesn't mean that you asked to be raped. If you couldn't even get to your bed by yourself and had trouble getting up later to go to the bathroom would indicate that you did not leave your room, but that he came into your room and raped you while you were passed out. He used your shame to get away with it.
Was there any blood that would further indicate that he forced himself on you?


----------



## ElOtro

Jamieboy said:


> The view of many so called relationship experts is to not confess. Not to get away with it, but to save the pain it will inflict on her husband.


*So called* experts.
Pain is a terrible thing. But not the worst that may happen.
The wound is there even if you don´t know / feel it.
Think on what happens after a severe car clash. 
A broken leg hurts.
If it don´t, doctors may suspect / verify if that there may also be a spinal damage.
Yes, pain is awful. But there are even worst things.
And again yes, the analogy is IMO valid.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

ElOtro said:


> *So called* experts.


I wonder what their recommendation is if the spouse finds out anyway and has the extra pain of knowing that their partner not only cheated but lied about it and hid it from them. More lying? Their advice is less like paying for help and more like paying for toxic friends. Most people can find those for free.


----------



## Rus47

Regarding toxic friends. IMO OP will never again be able to visit her hometown or associate with any of the “friends” she got drunk/drugged with. If she wants to reconcile. Visiting that town would be a major trigger for him.

I imagine for a lot of wayward the changes needed in their routines and length of time needed to reconcile successfully ultimately exceed what they can tolerate.

I have read a lot of threads on here were the wayward was exhausted by the process long before the betrayed could recover.


----------



## Kgs-95

2 of my female friends spent the night and the guy I was with. The rest of them left. I was in the master bedroom downstairs and the rest of the bedrooms were upstairs. There was enough beds for everyone who didn't want to drive.

My friend who came with the guy gave me the pill. My friends put me to bed when I was severely messed up. I don't remember this, this is what I was told. I doubt I got up after this do yes I think he came into my room while I was out of it. None of my friends knew or heard anything until I talked to them in the morning and they were surprised. Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried. Since I can not know for a fact I'm not that worried about which one happened. The fact is that I took a pill got really drunk and had sex with someone else. I know it is my fault. I was excited To see my friends and family and went overboard. I can't know for sure that I didn't get up and come onto him or whatever. 

Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way. There was no flirting between us and he was not there for me. The only reason I said he waa attractive is because someone asked me. I didn't go out of my way to say how attractive he is. The only reason I scrolled his Facebook is because I got a request and I had just had sex with this guy and was curious. 

I very much regret not telling my husband sooner and it has made things more complicated for me and I'm sure more painful for him. My husband looked up his socials and I think he is going to contact him soon or already has. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m very sorry this happened to you and that your friends gave you drugs and this scumbag took advantage and very possibly raped you.
You have come clean with your husband and that alone says a lot about you.

lots of people wouldn’t have.

I hope this eiths out as it should, and you change your lifestyle regarding liquor and drugs.


----------



## Sfort

Is your husband potentially violent with the guy?


----------



## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> 2 of my female friends spent the night and the guy I was with. The rest of them left. I was in the master bedroom downstairs and the rest of the bedrooms were upstairs. There was enough beds for everyone who didn't want to drive.
> 
> My friend who came with the guy gave me the pill. My friends put me to bed when I was severely messed up. I don't remember this, this is what I was told. I doubt I got up after this do yes I think he came into my room while I was out of it. None of my friends knew or heard anything until I talked to them in the morning and they were surprised. Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried. Since I can not know for a fact I'm not that worried about which one happened. The fact is that I took a pill got really drunk and had sex with someone else. I know it is my fault. I was excited To see my friends and family and went overboard. I can't know for sure that I didn't get up and come onto him or whatever.
> 
> Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way. There was no flirting between us and he was not there for me. The only reason I said he was attractive is because someone asked me. I didn't go out of my way to say how attractive he is. The only reason I scrolled his Facebook is because I got a request and I had just had sex with this guy and was curious.
> 
> I very much regret not telling my husband sooner and it has made things more complicated for me and I'm sure more painful for him. My husband looked up his socials and I think he is going to contact him soon or already has. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


If your friends will testify to these facts, it may be prosecutable. They put you to bed incapacitated, or nearly, so you weren't able to give consent. He had sexual relations with you, so he did rape you. At least exploring the option will also help build faith back into the husband.


----------



## Sfort

UAArchangel said:


> If your friends will testify to these facts, it may be prosecutable.


Unlikely because of this: “Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way.” The burden of proof to sustain a criminal conviction is beyond a reasonable doubt. She has reasonable doubt even if it’s small. That would not be good for a trial.


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


This is all you can do if you want to reconcile. I pray your husband doesnt do something to make matters way worse for him. He has enough to deal with already.

Is your husband from your hometown?


----------



## UAArchangel

Sfort said:


> Unlikely because of this: “Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way.” The burden of proof to sustain a criminal conviction is beyond a reasonable doubt. She has reasonable doubt even if it’s small. That would not be good for a trial.


Civil lawsuits have a lower threshold of proof.


----------



## Sfort

UAArchangel said:


> Civil lawsuits have a lower threshold of proof.


Correct, preponderance of the evidence, which is greater than 50%. That’s an interesting approach. I’d find out if he has any money, first. Then I’d be concerned about the publicity of the suit in my home town.


----------



## Cynthia

Rape is never the victim's fault. 
That said, it can often be prevented by not compromising your own awareness.
You thought you were in a safe place, with safe friends. That turned out not to be true. I'd be rethinking those friendships. The whole thing is very odd and creepy.


----------



## UAArchangel

Sfort said:


> Correct, preponderance of the evidence, which is greater than 50%. That’s an interesting approach. I’d find out if he has any money, first. Then I’d be concerned about the publicity of the suit in my home town.


The Goldman's weren't concerned about collecting from OJ when they did their lawsuit. They wanted to ensure that he could never work again without having that income being given to them until he paid back the lawsuit. Even though his untouchable pension is pretty substantial, he had no ability to work without having that income garnished.


----------



## Exit37

Sfort said:


> Is your husband potentially violent with the guy?


I would be. I’m not normally a violent guy, and yes, he’s not the one who vowed to be true to only me, but it’s very likely I would seek him out if I was OP’s husband. Just being honest here.


----------



## MIB

I registered here in 2017 to talk about some issues, but never did post them. However, I’ve been reading here since as a form of my own “group therapy”. I have often been compelled to respond on some threads, but never have. That said, this is my first response on this site. I couldn‘t NOT say this, so here is the new guys $.02.

Assuming all you said is the absolute truth:

Sure, you messed up. Taking drugs for recreation is never a good idea. You know this, but that is where your fault ends. You are only guilty of leading yourself to incapacitation.

After that, you were raped. What made him think he should enter the room where you were put to bed? You really think he was as blacked out wasted as you, but could still walk, talk, get erect, have sex with you, but not remember much except, “Yea, we had sex” ? He knows he had sex with you. No way on did he not understand that you were in no position to consent to sex, ESPECIALLY since there was zero flirting and/or interactions that would lead to sex.

I don’t care if you rode him like a bucking bronco, he knew better. A grown ass man knows better. There is nothing in your story that says this guy did not take advantage of your incapacitated state.

Now maybe you have some guilt about putting yourself in that situation, but you didn’t. Your friends put you to bed alone. They check up on you. They were looking out for you. The only one who made it a situation was him. You woke up in pain from sex with a guy you never knew. So what happens to the next gal who is partying with this group? Eh, maybe he wouldn’t do this again. Or, maybe you were an “again”. He doesn’t care. He took what he wanted and blew it off. He used you. Stop feeling guilty and start getting pissed. He is a rapist and every moment you do not press charges is another moment he has to do it again.

Unless there is more to the story and you aren’t necessarily lying to the folks here, but are lying to yourself to help ease the reality of you doing something with intention.

If all you said is true, you were raped. This is how rapes happen. More like this than the random creep pulling a girl into a van and driving off. Parties, drugs, blackouts, and trusted “friends“. 

You. Were. Raped.


----------



## Sfort

Exit37 said:


> I would be. I’m not normally a violent guy, and yes, he’s not the one who vowed to be true to only me, but it’s very likely I would seek him out if I was OP’s husband. Just being honest here.


Would that be true if you found out she was a willing participant?


----------



## Exit37

Sfort said:


> Would that be true if you found out she was a willing participant?


You know, I don’t know. Probably not. I’m an adult and I always tell my kids and friends who are worked up about something that “adults don’t fight, it’s too dangerous” and I really believe that. So if she said she slept with him because she found him attractive I would probably keep all my attention on what my WW did…. But in this case, my personal opinion is this guy took advantage of a very drunk woman, at a minimum, and it’s likely he raped her by going in that room and having sex with her while she was passed out. Again, personal opinion only, and I understand why OP doesn’t want to pursue rape charges.


----------



## Rus47

Exit37 said:


> I understand why OP doesn’t want to pursue rape charges.


Yes, as she said “no one would believe me anyway”. Her and her family and her parents get dragged through the mud in public. All of the story is in the local papers for months. Enduring the looks and whispers from people in the grocery store. Forever.

Most likely the perp is acquitted.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> 2 of my female friends spent the night and the guy I was with. The rest of them left. I was in the master bedroom downstairs and the rest of the bedrooms were upstairs. There was enough beds for everyone who didn't want to drive.
> 
> My friend who came with the guy gave me the pill. My friends put me to bed when I was severely messed up. I don't remember this, this is what I was told. I doubt I got up after this do yes I think he came into my room while I was out of it. None of my friends knew or heard anything until I talked to them in the morning and they were surprised. Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried. Since I can not know for a fact I'm not that worried about which one happened. The fact is that I took a pill got really drunk and had sex with someone else. I know it is my fault. I was excited To see my friends and family and went overboard. I can't know for sure that I didn't get up and come onto him or whatever.
> 
> Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way. There was no flirting between us and he was not there for me. The only reason I said he waa attractive is because someone asked me. I didn't go out of my way to say how attractive he is. The only reason I scrolled his Facebook is because I got a request and I had just had sex with this guy and was curious.
> 
> I very much regret not telling my husband sooner and it has made things more complicated for me and I'm sure more painful for him. My husband looked up his socials and I think he is going to contact him soon or already has. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


It appears you were totally out of it, but not so sure the OM was totally out of it. This appears calculated on his part but again as you said, it was your fault that you allowed yourself to get so messed up that you could not make a proper judgment.

As to whether you were a willing participant or he had sex with you will your were passed out is not what your H will be interested in hearing at the point. So, that being the case you have to live with the 5% that you gave into temptation; that is give up the 95% assumption that he had sex with you while passed out. Your H probably is not interested in the 95% he will be fixated on the 5% and that is all there is to it.

I also question your friends‘ judgement. If I were H, I am not so sure I would want you to have any outings with these friends ever again. Uber could have sent him home and you and your female friends could have had the rental to yourselves. 

As I have said already, trust will be the most difficult thing to rebuild. It may never be there ever in this marriage. Are you prepared for that scenario?


----------



## MattMatt

Exit37 said:


> I would be. I’m not normally a violent guy, and yes, he’s not the one who vowed to be true to only me, but it’s very likely I would seek him out if I was OP’s husband. Just being honest here.


And end up in jail or on death row.


----------



## Exit37

MattMatt said:


> And end up in jail or on death row.


Yep, that’s why I said In my other post that it’s too dangerous to fight as an adult. People get knocked down and hit their head on a curb, etc., and someone is in jail for manslaughter. But once again, being completely honest, if I thought some dude raped my wife while she was passed out then all bets are off.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

*@*


Wolfman1968 said:


> In the coming days, he will likely have many questions and many emotions.
> 
> Although this situation is different that a secret affair, there will be some overlap in his emotions to those kind of circumstances.
> 
> If you wish to heal your marriage, the most important thing is 100% transparency, and to be willing to do what he needs to heal from what feels like a horrible betrayal to him. (I'm going to avoid the whole "ability to consent" debate that has consumed this thread, because the taking of drugs with friends and inviting dudes over will still feel like a betrayal to your husband, and that still will have to be addressed.)
> 
> There are those posters in TAM who have reconciled various types of betrayals, and others in whom reconciliation has failed. Please use the community as a resource to help you navigate your way through this, using their prior experiences as a guide.


This is an extremely sad situation. Created by The stupidity of ingesting opioids. Thank God it was not laced with fentanyl.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Kgs-95 said:


> 2 of my female friends spent the night and the guy I was with. The rest of them left. I was in the master bedroom downstairs and the rest of the bedrooms were upstairs. There was enough beds for everyone who didn't want to drive.
> 
> My friend who came with the guy gave me the pill. My friends put me to bed when I was severely messed up. I don't remember this, this is what I was told. I doubt I got up after this do yes I think he came into my room while I was out of it. None of my friends knew or heard anything until I talked to them in the morning and they were surprised. Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried. Since I can not know for a fact I'm not that worried about which one happened. The fact is that I took a pill got really drunk and had sex with someone else. I know it is my fault. I was excited To see my friends and family and went overboard. I can't know for sure that I didn't get up and come onto him or whatever.
> 
> Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way. There was no flirting between us and he was not there for me. The only reason I said he waa attractive is because someone asked me. I didn't go out of my way to say how attractive he is. The only reason I scrolled his Facebook is because I got a request and I had just had sex with this guy and was curious.
> 
> I very much regret not telling my husband sooner and it has made things more complicated for me and I'm sure more painful for him. My husband looked up his socials and I think he is going to contact him soon or already has. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


Sweetie, you better make sure your husband does not go to town on your AP’s face. If your husband has a short fuse your problems will mushroom. You do not need him to put a beat down on AP.

I hope you look at this experience as a teaching one......don’t do it again.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried.


What condition did she say you were in when she checked on you? Were you awake? Asleep? Unconscious? Did she say?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Rus47 said:


> Her and her family and her parents get dragged through the mud in public.


If she has to explain the drug use to explain what happened, her friends could face serious drug charges, and she'd need their cooperation to testify. Something else she needs to consider.


----------



## Jimi007

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If she has to explain the drug use to explain what happened, her friends could face serious drug charges, and she'd need their cooperation to testify. Something else she needs to consider.


The cops won't prosecute over drug use.
Especially a single 💊 

My daughter has overdosed a dozen times. She has never been prosecuted.


----------



## Kgs-95

QuestionAssumptions said:


> What condition did she say you were in when she checked on you? Were you awake? Asleep? Unconscious? Did she say?


I was asleep


----------



## Kgs-95

If they just so happened to run into each other it would probably get physical but I doubt my husband would try to go find him. I have never seen this mad though.


----------



## Kgs-95

Ikaika said:


> It appears you were totally out of it, but not so sure the OM was totally out of it. This appears calculated on his part but again as you said, it was your fault that you allowed yourself to get so messed up that you could not make a proper judgment.
> 
> As to whether you were a willing participant or he had sex with you will your were passed out is not what your H will be interested in hearing at the point. So, that being the case you have to live with the 5% that you gave into temptation; that is give up the 95% assumption that he had sex with you while passed out. Your H probably is not interested in the 95% he will be fixated on the 5% and that is all there is to it.
> 
> I also question your friends‘ judgement. If I were H, I am not so sure I would want you to have any outings with these friends ever again. Uber could have sent him home and you and your female friends could have had the rental to yourselves.
> 
> As I have said already, trust will be the most difficult thing to rebuild. It may never be there ever in this marriage. Are you prepared for that scenario?


I am fully prepared to do what I have to do for him. If it turns out years later that we are both miserable and he hates me then we should probably end it even though it would kill me.


----------



## Kgs-95

Cynthia said:


> Why did your friend help you to bed? Were you unable to walk by yourself? If you couldn't walk without help, then it is most likely that you were raped.
> 
> 
> You're lucky to be alive. I looked those pills up. It seems that they would be likely to knock you out, but taken with such a large amount of alcohol sounds highly dangerous.
> 
> This is another indication that you were raped. His response to you the following morning would indicate that he has done this before.
> Who gave you the pill?
> What you did regarding losing complete control over yourself was bad, but that doesn't mean that you asked to be raped. If you couldn't even get to your bed by yourself and had trouble getting up later to go to the bathroom would indicate that you did not leave your room, but that he came into your room and raped you while you were passed out. He used your shame to get away with it.
> Was there any blood that would further indicate that he forced himself on you?


There was no blood. Had some leg bruises but that is common while drinking heavily.


----------



## Kgs-95

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Once you and your husband talk more, you may want to start a new message thread here focuses on reconciliation advice and how to help your husband and yourself through this.
> 
> If you can afford it and your husband is willing, you may want to talk to therapists, both individually and a marriage counselor for both of you, to help you through this. A therapist may also help you deal with what happened to you.
> 
> You may want to look at advice for "waywards" and about "reconciliation" to get a better idea of what you should be doing, what to expect, and what you can do to support your husband.
> 
> The advice in the first message at this link may be useful for you. It often assumes a more intentional and long-lasting affair than what happened with you, so it may not all be useful to you, but you may find a lot of it useful and worth reading. The parts that don't apply to you should also help you realize that you are starting from a much better place than a lot of wayward spouses toward reconciliation because you didn't intentionally cheat, you had no emotional attachment to the guy you cheated with, you aren't blaming your husband for what happened at all, and you've taken responsibility for what you've done. You also did good by seeking out advice and then following it, as painful as that may have been for both of you.


I may do that in the future thank you.


----------



## Exit37

Kgs-95 said:


> I am fully prepared to do what I have to do for him. If it turns out years later that we are both miserable and he hates me then we should probably end it even though it would kill me.


Hang in there and keep supporting him. Seriously OP, you are doing great, much better than others. Keep taking care of your husband and I THINK you will be okay. I’m pulling for you.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Kgs-95 said:


> I am fully prepared to do what I have to do for him. If it turns out years later that we are both miserable and he hates me then we should probably end it even though it would kill me.


What does your husband think about whether you gave consent or this douche raped you?
How are things going between you two tonight?

As Exit37 said above you are handling this as well as possible and from the sounds of it so far your husband has had a very reasonable response considering the situation. I truly wish the best for you both.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> There was no blood. Had some leg bruises but that is common while drinking heavily.


It is not just drug use that you should be considering eliminating from your life. Perhaps too much emphasis has been put on the drug you took and not enough on what it took to loosen your inhibitions enough to take something you weren’t sure of.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Exit37 said:


> I would be. I’m not normally a violent guy, and yes, he’s not the one who vowed to be true to only me, but it’s very likely I would seek him out if I was OP’s husband. Just being honest here.





Sfort said:


> Would that be true if you found out she was a willing participant?


 Any man who knowingly screws a married woman (especially if he knows the husband) runs the serious risk of a beatdown and deserves it. Vows or not.
Some folks consider the risk of jail time worth it.


----------



## blackclover3

Are you guys sleeping in the same room? Or has your husband moved to another room?

What did he tell you or say?

What did he day about the fact he needs to get tested?

If this was my wife, based on what you said i would report this as a rape.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> If they just so happened to run into each other it would probably get physical but I doubt my husband would try to go find him. I have never seen this mad though.


So as not to complicate things, let’s just hope they don’t run into each other. Yes, the OM is low life, but not worth your H getting in legal trouble the OM is not worth it.


----------



## Casual Observer

Ikaika said:


> So as not to complicate things, let’s just hope they don’t run into each other. Yes, the OM is low life, but not worth your H getting in legal trouble the OM is not worth it.


You're right, that legal trouble is a potential consequence. But I'm not convinced that legal consequences should always be the guide to appropriate action. Physical violence is perhaps an extreme example, but if, for some reason, it served OP's husband's needs to illegally surveil OM to find the truth, I'd feel differently.

Also, tough to say if it would benefit the husband to meet with OM or not, in terms of gaining any sense of closure or simply have one less mind-movie to have to deal with. The unknown can be worse than the scariest of facts.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I was asleep


Do you normally wake up during the night? I find it difficult to believe, based on how you said you felt in the morning, that you got up and went looking for sex with a stranger on your own and just don't remember it. I believe it's most likely that he came in and went after you while you were impaired.

If your husband starts to talk about going after the guy, you may want to discuss talking to the police with him as a safer alternative. Would your friends in that town be able to talk to him and get him to tell them more detail about what happened? Or maybe talk to other people he knows to see if he said anything to them or bragged about what he did? If it's legal where you live, the ideal would be to get someone to talk to him and see what he'll admit to while carrying a hidden voice recorder. If it's legal, that could be used as evidence if you want to go to the police.


----------



## Diana7

Casual Observer said:


> It is not just drug use that you should be considering eliminating from your life. Perhaps too much emphasis has been put on the drug you took and not enough on what it took to loosen your inhibitions enough to take something you weren’t sure of.


Plus the alcohol.


----------



## Diana7

Rubix Cubed said:


> Any man who knowingly screws a married woman (especially if he knows the husband) runs the serious risk of a beatdown and deserves it. Vows or not.
> Some folks consider the risk of jail time worth it.


I doubt the husband having to spend a few years in jail is going to help anyone. Especially as he would loose his job, they may loose their home and he would then have a criminal record and find it almost impossible to get work. 
I know that guy's here often say they would use violence in such cases but it's all talk in most cases. Few would actually do it.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> I doubt the husband having to spend a few years in jail is going to help anyone. Especially as he would loose his job, they may loose their home and he would then have a criminal record and find it almost impossible to get work.
> I know that guy's here often say they would use violence in such cases but it's all talk in most cases. Few would actually do it.


That is why it is best to just 🤫🤐

Always said it was better to be a man of action and few words. The walls have ears.


----------



## In Absentia

OP, I guess you felt you had to tell your husband, although you knew it was going to destroy your marriage. And it did.


----------



## ElOtro

Sfort said:


> She already told him.


True now and I´m glad she did it.
That action was still in the future when I answered and that was even later than the answered post about if not telling meant to protect the OM (same as if was intented as if for othere reasons).


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> If they just so happened to run into each other it would probably get physical but I doubt my husband would try to go find him. I have never seen this mad though.


I also pray the OM didn't give you (and your husband) an STD. Unfortunately determining that is going to take at least six months. At this point if you have something, it is inconceivable that husband isn't also infected. So both of you need to be tested ASAP, with another test to follow in six months.

Intimacy will be a big trigger for him, will be asking you all sorts of questions while you are together about the other guy's size, technique, positions, did you enjoy it, did you orgasm, on and on and on. Too bad you can't answer any of those questions because it will be very hard for him to believe that you don't remember. No advice about how to overcome that. Someone suggested a polygraph, maybe offer that to him early on to establish in some respect that he isn't being lied to.

There is also possible that your husband will not be able to bring himself to be intimate with you. Because when he sees you, all he can think about is the OM and you together.

Did you also reveal that the guy tried to access you on FB? Did you share you found OM attractive and checked his profile? How does the OM compare in stature, attractiveness to your husband?


----------



## ElOtro

MattMatt said:


> And end up in jail or on death row.


Of course, something to think about.
But for solely that _*only pragmatic*_ reason.
I wouldn´t otherwise have any *ethical* stuggle to send a raper to the hospital provided if there were serious evidence of a sexual assault 
If and only if the case was consensual sex in the context of infidelity, I would anyhow feel the temptation to skake his jaw but I would refrain to do it, wouldn´t be fair even if satisfying.
But I would neither reconcile with my since then Ex partner.
I know that (regarding the posted story) what I will say is almost near to abstract.
But for my only personal view of stuff like this one:

I wouldn´t blame the victim of a rape and would go for the raper.
Would divorce her NOTat all for the specifics of the sexual episode, but cos of the irresponsable behavior before it.


----------



## ElOtro

Diana7 said:


> I doubt the husband having to spend a few years in jail is going to help anyone. Especially as he would loose his job, they may loose their home and he would then have a criminal record and find it almost impossible to get work.
> I know that guy's here often say they would use violence in such cases but it's all talk in most cases. Few would actually do it.


As I´ve said in another post, I agree that I would refrain considering those serious but _*only pragmatic*_ obstacles.
And as I´ve also said, _*would NOT be cos any ethical consideration nor one pretended to be a sign of maturity.*_


----------



## ElOtro

Sfort said:


> Would that be true if you found out she was a willing participant?


I would be still tempted but wouldn´t
Not at all the same case.


----------



## Griswold

Hi KGS – Sorry for you plight. I’m not a BS so feel free to disregard. But I did have some experiences that I hope can help you (or really, your husband) reframe the issue. Rus47 brings up awful but accurate things that most guys’ minds will be racing with. Seems to me, the issue with your situation is…you simply cant recall.

When I was a young idiot, one afternoon a friend and I drank bottle of something in 20 minutes. I woke up the next morning comfy in my bed. To this day, I have zero recollection of what happened between finishing that bottle and waking up. Zero. I may have screwed an entire womens’ volleyball team! Far more likely I sat somewhere laughing at fart jokes. Who knows. I don’t. I still get queasy in my stomach if I see (or worse smell) that particular liquor. It’s been decades. Still affects me.

When I was a young dad, I took the wife and kids to a theme restaurant. It was fun. I had a delicious pulled pork sandwich. I proceeded to get the worst case of food poisoning I’ve ever had. I besmirched my breeches in front of wife and children. That was deeply deeply humiliating. I was physically ill for ages after if I saw a pulled pork sandwich.

Relevance to you: As a guy/husband, I hope I would be able to respect the deep shame and remorse my wife would show if she did what you did. But the things Rus47 pointed out would still be rolling in my head. Reading a multitude of infidelity stories, one sees wayward wives claiming nothing but revulsion at the mere thought of what they did. Fact is -for me and I suspect many guys – our secret thought is – yeah, I know you truly regret it now, but you did have your fun. You had your adventure and what I’m stuck with…so on so forth. This is like me with the pulled pork. The event was horrific looked at in hindsight. But I also know that that sandwich was just fine. Tasted great. Fun atmosphere. 

On the other hand, what about Mr. Bottle of rotgut? He had no fun. He had no adventure. Try as he might to remember it’s one big nothing. If your night out was like my bottle-o-rotgut evening – you remember nothing. You could not answer Rus47 questions if you wanted you. You “got away” with nothing. I think Rus mentioned polygraph. Sounds like you could pass one if asked questions relating to the things Rus mentioned. Me (and maybe your husband) would not feel so taken advantage of if we knew with certainty that you really “gained” nothing out of this sorry night. If you honestly are as blank about your misadventure as I was way back then, you could easily pass a polygraph on that. Offer that to him perhaps?
Truly wishing the best for you and your husband.


----------



## Casual Observer

Diana7 said:


> Plus the alcohol.


Exactly what I meant. Drinking so much you get bruising? That’s crazy. Wouldn’t that be a sign that you’ve gone too far, drinking too much? A post-binge reminder?


----------



## Casual Observer

In Absentia said:


> OP, I guess you felt you had to tell your husband, although you knew it was going to destroy your marriage. And it did.


Telling her husband wasn’t what destroyed the marriage. Cheating did. And perhaps excessive drinking and drug use. Life doesn’t allow that stuff to be swept under the rug forever.


----------



## In Absentia

Casual Observer said:


> Telling her husband wasn’t what destroyed the marriage. Cheating did. And perhaps excessive drinking and drug use. Life doesn’t allow that stuff to be swept under the rug forever.


That's true.


----------



## DosEquis

Just getting caught up on your thread. I am very sorry you, and now your Husband, are in this horrid position. Youve recieved a LOT of advice on the tactical side of things (reporting the rape, getting std tests, etc) and what to do about the future of your M. I do believe you should file a report and let the chips fall where they may. Even if the guy doesnt get charged, it may make him think twice about assaulting a woman who cannot give consent (thats what this is all about) after being investigated. In this day and age, when the the information about non consensual sex being a crime is all over the place, there is no way he didnt know what he was doing. Can you even imagine him trying to justify sex with an unconscious woman in front of law enforcement? Yeh, that'd fly like the Hindenburg. Its your choice but what happened was wrong and as importantly, illegal and thus criminal. Do get tested for stds.

Listen, I have daughters your age, one of whom had a similar experience and was sexually assaulted while under the influence of alcohol and drugs with no recollection of the incident. Whats worse is she didnt know who it was (I wanted to kill him). This all came out much later after she started having panic attacks and needed extensive therapy. Like you she said no more of that behavior (shyt faced drinking and pills), but that wasnt the case for a long while. She'd hang with the same people and get back into it. She finally realized in her late 20s she needed to grow up and act responsibly. Shes now in a great place with a good guy, new friends and living a tremendously healthy lifestyle. She works out 4-5 times a week, eats lean, clean and healthy, looks better than she ever has and can run her old Dad into the ground. The effort on her part was monumental, but very much worth it (her assessment).

Whats done is done. Horrible choices lead to terrible consequences and there may be more to come where your marriage is concerned. My question to you is, "Who do you want to be?" Regardless of what takes place between your H and you, what kind of person does Kgs-95 endeavor to be? That choice is now before you and if you decide to make a radical change for the better, it will take a *lot* of effort. Human behavior is notoriously difficult to change. Two things can change your life, inspiration or desperation. Id rather be inspired but its taken desperation more times than not. Enough pep talk. I hope youll take this wake up call seriously and make a radical change for the better starting with eliminating booze and drugs....for good. Id also encourage you to get some therapy for the trauma.

Good luck Kgs-95.


----------



## Megaforce

Rubix Cubed said:


> Any man who knowingly screws a married woman (especially if he knows the husband) runs the serious risk of a beatdown and deserves it. Vows or not.
> Some folks consider the risk of jail time worth it.


If they consider jail time, they should not do it. It affects one's entire future, having an assault conviction. It is not just the jail time. Job pr, licensure, voting rights etc. It is just foolish.


----------



## Megaforce

DosEquis said:


> Just getting caught up on your thread. I am very sorry you, and now your Husband, are in this horrid position. Youve recieved a LOT of advice on the tactical side of things (reporting the rape, getting std tests, etc) and what to do about the future of your M. I do believe you should file a report and let the chips fall where they may. Even if the guy doesnt get charged, it may make him think twice about assaulting a woman who cannot give consent (thats what this is all about) after being investigated. In this day and age, when the the information about non consensual sex being a crime is all over the place, there is no way he didnt know what he was doing. Can you even imagine him trying to justify sex with an unconscious woman in front of law enforcement? Yeh, that'd fly like the Hindenburg. Its your choice but what happened was wrong and as importantly, illegal and thus criminal. Do get tested for stds.
> 
> Listen, I have daughters your age, one of whom had a similar experience and was sexually assaulted while under the influence of alcohol and drugs with no recollection of the incident. Whats worse is she didnt know who it was (I wanted to kill him). This all came out much later after she started having panic attacks and needed extensive therapy. Like you she said no more of that behavior (shyt faced drinking and pills), but that wasnt the case for a long while. She'd hang with the same people and get back into it. She finally realized in her late 20s she needed to grow up and act responsibly. Shes now in a great place with a good guy, new friends and living a tremendously healthy lifestyle. She works out 4-5 times a week, eats lean, clean and healthy, looks better than she ever has and can run her old Dad into the ground. Theceffort on her part was monumental, but very much worth it (her assessment).
> 
> Whats done is done. Horrible choices lead to terrible consequences and there may be more to come where your marriage is concerned. My question to you is, "Who do you want to be?" Regardless of what takes place between your H and you, what kind of person does Kgs-95 endeavor to be? That choice is now before you and if you decide to make a radical change for the better, it will take a *lot* of effort. Human behavior is notoriously difficult to change. Two things can change your life, inspiration or desperation. Id rather be inspired but its taken desperation more times than not. Enough pep talk. I hope youll take this wake up call seriously and make a radical change for the better starting with eliminating booze and drugs....for good. Id also encourage you to get some therapy for the trauma.
> 
> 
> Casual Observer said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're right, that legal trouble is a potential consequence. But I'm not convinced that legal consequences should always be the guide to appropriate action. Physical violence is perhaps an extreme example, but if, for some reason, it served OP's husband's needs to illegally surveil OM to find the truth, I'd feel differently.
> 
> Also, tough to say if it would benefit the husband to meet with OM or not, in terms of gaining any sense of closure or simply have one less mind-movie to have to deal with. The unknown can be worse than the scariest of facts.
> 
> 
> 
> The violence is inappropriate. Plus, there are a lot of assumptions being made about the relative physical capabilities of the participants. It is not like all betrayed husbands can universally fight all that well. To be an effective Street fighter, one needs training and experience.
> A lot of this advocacy for engaging physically is just talk. People get seriously injured when adults really engage, when no one is around to break things up; when beatings do not stop just because one participant concedes or is rendered helpless.
> I think a lot of folks have either not witnessed or participated in a real world fight, where the intent is to do severe damage. It is not pretty, not like in movies etc.
Click to expand...


----------



## Megaforce

Rus47 said:


> Yes, as she said “no one would believe me anyway”. Her and her family and her parents get dragged through the mud in public. All of the story is in the local papers for months. Enduring the looks and whispers from people in the grocery store. Forever.
> 
> Most likely the perp is acquitted.
> [/QUOT
> 
> Story in the paper for months? In what world?


----------



## Megaforce

MattMatt said:


> And end up in jail or on death row.


Or in the hospital yourself. Think the guy is just going to lay down or disarm himself? Lots of bravado here that is clouding judgement.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If she has to explain the drug use to explain what happened, her friends could face serious drug charges, and she'd need their cooperation to testify. Something else she needs to consider.


That is not true. Her friend would not be charged.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Kgs-95 said:


> 2 of my female friends spent the night and the guy I was with. The rest of them left. I was in the master bedroom downstairs and the rest of the bedrooms were upstairs. There was enough beds for everyone who didn't want to drive.
> 
> My friend who came with the guy gave me the pill. My friends put me to bed when I was severely messed up. I don't remember this, this is what I was told. I doubt I got up after this do yes I think he came into my room while I was out of it. None of my friends knew or heard anything until I talked to them in the morning and they were surprised. Friend #1 told me she checked on me before she went to bed because she was worried. Since I can not know for a fact I'm not that worried about which one happened. The fact is that I took a pill got really drunk and had sex with someone else. I know it is my fault. I was excited To see my friends and family and went overboard. I can't know for sure that I didn't get up and come onto him or whatever.
> 
> Maybe I was into it but I think there was about a 5% chance that it happened that way. There was no flirting between us and he was not there for me. The only reason I said he waa attractive is because someone asked me. I didn't go out of my way to say how attractive he is. The only reason I scrolled his Facebook is because I got a request and I had just had sex with this guy and was curious.
> 
> I very much regret not telling my husband sooner and it has made things more complicated for me and I'm sure more painful for him. My husband looked up his socials and I think he is going to contact him soon or already has. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.


This guy is so disgusting. If I take everything you said as truth, then yeah, you made really bad choices and I would be pissed beyond belief at you if I were your husband. However, this still sounds like rape to me. In your condition you could have even thought it was your husband with you. If not rape, what this guy did was at least predatory. He knew you were totally wasted and went to you room with the intent of sex with a woman he knew was incapacitated. I presume he saw your friends take you to bed. I think he knew exactly what he was doing.


----------



## Megaforce

Diana7 said:


> I doubt the husband having to spend a few years in jail is going to help anyone. Especially as he would loose his job, they may loose their home and he would then have a criminal record and find it almost impossible to get work.
> I know that guy's here often say they would use violence in such cases but it's all talk in most cases. Few would actually do it.


True. Most of us have never gotten a beatdown. I did once. Fractured my orbit and Zygomatic arch. One punch from some guy. It is nothing like movies or television wher guys take multiple punches, get up and have a beer afterwards. Most fights end after the first really solid blow unless the guy delivering it decides to keep going and stomp you.
Violence is glamorized in movies. In real life , with a real life beatdown from someone who knows what he is doing and really wants to do damage, it is scary as hell.


----------



## Rus47

Small town newspapers are hungry for a story. Local paper where I live has gone for months about an overgrown vacant lot.

Done arguing with you @Megaforce. You argue for a living so whatever you say about anything is fine by me.


----------



## Kgs-95

How do you go about getting a polygraph?

I think he believes me that I don't remember but he is still processing. We are sleeping in the same room. We got into another fight when everyone left last night. I'm not sure exactly what he believes but definitely thinks I am stupid, doesnt want to to go anywhere or do anything. He definitely thinks I was taken advantage of in some way. There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her. I heard some of the conversation but didn't ask about it when he was done. He went through my phone. 

He is at his friends house right now. No telling what he will advise him to do. I am really scared about our family and friends finding out but it is going to happen. I told him I was going to get tested and he didn't really say anything. I told him he tried to add me on FB and told him I didnt accept it. He didn't like that at all. I think he is going to contact the guy soon or already has. I have no idea what this guy would say to my husband. it has been horrible though and I never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.


Sorry you are in this place. But future events are pretty much out of your control. Make the STD testing priority for yourself and encourage him to get tested. 

You of course never imagined dealing with something like this. People who drive drunk never imagine crashing into an innocent family driving on a vacation.

Regarding your question, when I did a map search for Polygraph services, there are eight within 20 miles of me. Most locating near county seat. I guess they are pretty common.

I am told they are expensive. Near $1000


----------



## Tdbo

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?


Reach out to local law enforcement and see if they can suggest examiners in your area.


----------



## Exit37

Keep doing what you are doing OP. You will be okay.


----------



## snowbum

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?
> 
> I think he believes me that I don't remember but he is still processing. We are sleeping in the same room. We got into another fight when everyone left last night. I'm not sure exactly what he believes but definitely thinks I am stupid, doesnt want to to go anywhere or do anything. He definitely thinks I was taken advantage of in some way. There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her. I heard some of the conversation but didn't ask about it when he was done. He went through my phone.
> 
> He is at his friends house right now. No telling what he will advise him to do. I am really scared about our family and friends finding out but it is going to happen. I told him I was going to get tested and he didn't really say anything. I told him he tried to add me on FB and told him I didnt accept it. He didn't like that at all. I think he is going to contact the guy soon or already has. I have no idea what this guy would say to my husband. it has been horrible though and I never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.


It’s sad that doing stupid **** led to this. Are you a frequent pull popper? I want to believe this was a one off but it doesn’t seem like it. I’ve done my share of late night bars. Has a few too many. Taking too many drugs??? Nope.if your husband gets over this thank your lucky stars. You’ll never have his trust again. That’s sad. Why’d you get so F’d up?I can’t really see a way your husband moves on from this. Really sad.


----------



## snowbum

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?
> 
> I think he believes me that I don't remember but he is still processing. We are sleeping in the same room. We got into another fight when everyone left last night. I'm not sure exactly what he believes but definitely thinks I am stupid, doesnt want to to go anywhere or do anything. He definitely thinks I was taken advantage of in some way. There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her. I heard some of the conversation but didn't ask about it when he was done. He went through my phone.
> 
> He is at his friends house right now. No telling what he will advise him to do. I am really scared about our family and friends finding out but it is going to happen. I told him I was going to get tested and he didn't really say anything. I told him he tried to add me on FB and told him I didnt accept it. He didn't like that at all. I think he is going to contact the guy soon or already has. I have no idea what this guy would say to my husband. it has been horrible though and I never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.


What would you tell your friend to do?


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> It’s sad that doing stupid **** led to this. Are you a frequent pull popper? I want to believe this was a one off but it doesn’t seem like it. I’ve done my share of late night bars. Has a few too many. Taking too many drugs??? Nope.if your husband gets over this thank your lucky stars. You’ll never have his trust again. That’s sad. Why’d you get so F’d up?I can’t really see a way your husband moves on from this. Really sad.


We do drugs a few times a year together. I drink more then that but not as much as I did that night. I'm usually with my husband as well.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her.


Your husband understand the drugs/alcohol interaction. Check my other posts
You cant be completely passed out and you are still responsive. Maybe the other you find the guy attractive and went with it, or maybe you could pushed away but you didn't. 

You are maybe shocked you cheated on him and dont want to remember or you will remember later when things calm down.

Since you said that both you and your husband take drugs twice a year and you already drink so the theory that you are being completely passed out not possible. 

The fact you said that the guy is attractive after when you went through (I know someone asked) is strange. Example, and I could be wrong here, if you ask a female or even a male of their rapist is attractive they would never answer that question or say he looks average or looked normal.

You might benefit like other said Marriage councilor or therapist to uncover why this happened.

Or it could be an act to manifestation or desire that you and your husband have such being swinger, threesome or cuckolding (fantasy or you guys discuss during sex for a arousal and not necessary going with it)

But I know one thing, you did the right thing telling your husband. And honestly you should have told him the same morning that happened and not wait that long.
If you had told him then thing would've been better


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> What would you tell your friend to do?


Good point.


----------



## Captain Obvious

You need to keep in mind if/when your husband talks to scumbag, the creep is going to tell him you were a willing participant and wanted it and couldn't get enough. Creep isn't going to implicate himself in a sexual assault if that did happen. I wouldn't be surprised if creep filmed your encounter in some way if you were conscious or lucid in any way shape or form.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> Good point.


I'm curious for an honest answer


----------



## blackclover3

Captain Obvious said:


> You need to keep in mind if/when your husband talks to scumbag, the creep is going to tell him you were a willing participant and wanted it and couldn't get enough. Creep isn't going to implicate himself in a sexual assault if that did happen. I wouldn't be surprised if creep filmed your encounter in some way.


∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ this is 100% spot on


----------



## snowbum

Kgs-95 said:


> Good point.


What would you tell them? Suck it up? Forget it? Or kick their sorry ass our. I vote the third.


----------



## Kgs-95

Captain Obvious said:


> You need to keep in mind if/when your husband talks to scumbag, the creep is going to tell him you were a willing participant and wanted it and couldn't get enough. Creep isn't going to implicate himself in a sexual assault if that did happen. I wouldn't be surprised if creep filmed your encounter in some way if you were conscious or lucid in any way shape or form.


Ugh.


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> What would you tell them? Suck it up? Forget it? Or kick their sorry ass our. I vote the third.


Would probably tell them they should leave


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> Would probably tell them they should leave


Last honest question
You said you didnt flirt or talked to the guy. 

But sometimes flirting is looking to their eyes and smiling, or staring or see where they go. Or act sexy front of them. Wearing too little or revealing stuff. Any of that happened?


----------



## snowbum

blackclover3 said:


> Last honest question
> You said you didnt flirt or talked to the guy.
> 
> But sometimes flirting is looking to their eyes and smiling, or staring or see where they go. Or act sexy front of them. Wearing too little or revealing stuff. Any of that happened?


Did you dress up for bars? Why was he the only go with you? If he was into friend why was t she with him?


----------



## Kgs-95

We talked but there wasn't flirting and he never like hit on me or anything. I assumed him and my friend were sleeping together or dating at first but that turned out not to be the case, just friends. It was cold, I wasn't wearing anything terrible. There was another guy there but he left.


----------



## DosEquis

Captain Obvious said:


> You need to keep in mind if/when your husband talks to scumbag, the creep is going to tell him you were a willing participant and wanted it and couldn't get enough. Creep isn't going to implicate himself in a sexual assault if that did happen. I wouldn't be surprised if creep filmed your encounter in some way if you were conscious or lucid in any way shape or form.


This is all highly possible to the point of being probable. If you are going to visit consequences upon him, do so through the authorities and file a complaint. It will take intestinal fortitude on your part, but I think you should.


----------



## Diana7

Megaforce said:


> That is not true. Her friend would not be charged.


Her friend gave her/sold her the drug. She could indeed be charged.


----------



## Rus47

Kgs-95 said:


> We talked but there wasn't flirting and he never like hit on me or anything. I assumed him and my friend were sleeping together or dating at first but that turned out not to be the case, just friends. It was cold, I wasn't wearing anything terrible. There was another guy there but he left.


Is OM ‘better’ than your husband? Did you know this guy before that night?

One detail am curious about, is when you discovered you were nude, with a naked man in the bed you had just gotten out of, you calmly asked him if you two had sex. Then put on clothes and went to a couch.

That seems a very unusual response to the circumstances. I would think most women in that circumstances would have run screaming from the bedroom pleading for help. 

And immediately tearfully called their husband asking him to come rescue them.

Can you explain?


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> Your husband understand the drugs/alcohol interaction. Check my other posts
> You cant be completely passed out and you are still responsive. Maybe the other you find the guy attractive and went with it, or maybe you could pushed away but you didn't.
> 
> You are maybe shocked you cheated on him and dont want to remember or you will remember later when things calm down.
> 
> Since you said that both you and your husband take drugs twice a year and you already drink so the theory that you are being completely passed out not possible.
> 
> The fact you said that the guy is attractive after when you went through (I know someone asked) is strange. Example, and I could be wrong here, if you ask a female or even a male of their rapist is attractive they would never answer that question or say he looks average or looked normal.
> 
> You might benefit like other said Marriage councilor or therapist to uncover why this happened.
> 
> Or it could be an act to manifestation or desire that you and your husband have such being swinger, threesome or cuckolding (fantasy or you guys discuss during sex for a arousal and not necessary going with it)
> 
> But I know one thing, you did the right thing telling your husband. And honestly you should have told him the same morning that happened and not wait that long.
> If you had told him then thing would've been better


The drug we do is completely different from this one


----------



## Megaforce

I doubt your husband will know what he wants to do for a while. It is a lot to take in. With no kids, it makes the decision somewhat easier. Still not easy, though.
Be wary of reconciliation services claiming you can have a better, stronger marriage etc. They raise expectations. Pretty lengthy process to make any peace with this. Possible, they say, however.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Kgs-95 said:


> We talked but there wasn't flirting and he never like hit on me or anything. I assumed him and my friend were sleeping together or dating at first but that turned out not to be the case, just friends. It was cold, I wasn't wearing anything terrible. There was another guy there but he left.


Do you remember what you talked about when you did talk? Guys are dumb and horny. Even the simplest small talk can be perceived as she's into me and down for it.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Assuming you are telling the truth, you need to report this to the police. Let them handle this to save your husband from himself. In your husband's shoes, the POS would not be safe from me.


----------



## Divinely Favored

ElOtro said:


> I would be still tempted but wouldn´t
> Not at all the same case.


That would be because he disrespected me because she was married. He should have more moral standing that to bed a known to be married woman.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> That would be because he disrespected me because she was married. He should have more moral standing that to bed a known to be married woman.


Disrespect is no justification for violence. If it was , fights would be breaking out right and left.
Your wife would have disrespected you, as well. Does she get a beatdown too?


----------



## Kgs-95

Rus47 said:


> Is OM ‘better’ than your husband? Did you know this guy before that night?
> 
> One detail am curious about, is when you discovered you were nude, with a naked man in the bed you had just gotten out of, you calmly asked him if you two had sex. Then put on clothes and went to a couch.
> 
> That seems a very unusual response to the circumstances. I would think most women in that circumstances would have run screaming from the bedroom pleading for help.
> 
> And immediately tearfully called their husband asking him to come rescue them.
> 
> Can you explain?


No my husband is great and he is gorgeous. I don't know that much about this guy but I wouldn't say he is better in any way at all.

No. I woke up at 5am to go pee. I was naked, still f-ed up, and I saw him in the bed also. I went to the bathroom and found some clothes and went back to sleep on a couch. We didnt have that conversation until we were both awake for the day.


----------



## Megaforce

Tested_by_stress said:


> Assuming you are telling the truth, you need to report this to the police. Let them handle this to save your husband from himself. In your husband's shoes, the POS would not be safe from me.





Megaforce said:


> Disrespect is no justification for violence. If it was , fights would be breaking out right and left.
> Your wife would have disrespected you, as well. Does she get a beatdown too?


I ' d steer clear of the cops. In the unlikely event this was ever charged, being cross examined could be traumatic in light of your activities earlier. Could well,have been he was impaired, as well. Then, who gets charged? Both?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?
> 
> I think he believes me that I don't remember but he is still processing. We are sleeping in the same room. We got into another fight when everyone left last night. I'm not sure exactly what he believes but definitely thinks I am stupid, doesnt want to to go anywhere or do anything. He definitely thinks I was taken advantage of in some way. There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her. I heard some of the conversation but didn't ask about it when he was done. He went through my phone.
> 
> He is at his friends house right now. No telling what he will advise him to do. I am really scared about our family and friends finding out but it is going to happen. I told him I was going to get tested and he didn't really say anything. I told him he tried to add me on FB and told him I didnt accept it. He didn't like that at all. I think he is going to contact the guy soon or already has. I have no idea what this guy would say to my husband. it has been horrible though and I never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.


Contact your local parole/probation office, speak to the sex offender officer and ask who does their polygraphs on their sex offenders. They should be able to give you their contact info.


----------



## snowbum

Something’s off. I wonder if you were ok with it until you went home and guilt set in.


----------



## Kgs-95

Captain Obvious said:


> Do you remember what you talked about when you did talk? Guys are dumb and horny. Even the simplest small talk can be perceived as she's into me and down for it.


It was just small talk


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> Something’s off. I wonder if you were ok with it until you went home and guilt set in.


I was shocked and trying to figure out what happened and what I should do


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> Disrespect is no justification for violence. If it was , fights would be breaking out right and left.
> Your wife would have disrespected you, as well. Does she get a beatdown too?


Maybe there would be less disrespectful behavior in the world if more people believed it did justify it. 

No she gets the boot out on her ass.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> Maybe there would be less disrespectful behavior in the world if more people believed it did justify it.
> 
> No she gets the boot out on her ass.


I doubt it. What if one is physically weaker? He has to just tolerate it?


----------



## Megaforce

Diana7 said:


> Her friend gave her/sold her the drug. She could indeed be charged.


Will not happen, though. Theoretically, yes. No prosecutor would waste the time.


----------



## Kgs-95

Rus47 said:


> So at 5AM you awake to pee and discover you are naked and a naked man is in the bed you just got out of. How much figuring to know what happened? Two naked hetero people in a bed. How difficult to figure out? Wondering what to do, you put on some clothes and go back to sleep on couch in the same room?


It was a process to really accept what happened but yes as soon as I saw him I figured that we had sex but couldn't remember and was hoping someone would tell me I was wrong later. I went back to sleep in the living room, felt terrible and had to lay down somewhere. We were downstairs in the master bedroom and everyone else was upstairs.


----------



## snowbum

The fact you stayed in his room for hours is weird. Are you sure you’re not covering up something? Like he’s an ex your husband didn’t know about? If my husband said “ I blacked out, banged a chick. Slept in her bed and stayed in her room” he’d never converse with me again


----------



## snowbum

Kgs-95 said:


> It was a process to really accept what happened but yes as soon as I saw him I figured that we had sex but couldn't remember and was hoping someone would tell me I was wrong later. I went back to sleep in the living room, felt terrible and had to lay down somewhere. We were downstairs in the master bedroom and everyone else was upstairs.


This wasn’t worth waking your friends up for? That’s crazy. Again, something isn’t adding up here


----------



## Kgs-95

Rus47 said:


> Maybe you forgot you were married and had just had sex with a guy who you barely knew?


Maybe


----------



## snowbum

What about the living room? Getting away from him? When he did he leave? Did you all leave together?


----------



## ElOtro

Divinely Favored said:


> That would be because he disrespected me because she was married. He should have more moral standing that to bed a known to be married woman.


I understand you.
But not how I was thinking about it.


----------



## ElOtro

Megaforce said:


> Or in the hospital yourself. Think the guy is just going to lay down or disarm himself? Lots of bravado here that is clouding judgement.


Not really probable.


----------



## Kgs-95

It was my room and I went to the living room when I woke up and slept more. No I have never hooked up with him before or anything like that. Everyone left before I did, if was my rental and had to do stuff before I left. Why would I have woken my friends up? I was going to talk to them when we all woke up and I felt awful physically.


----------



## Tdbo

snowbum said:


> This wasn’t worth waking your friends up for? That’s crazy. Again, something isn’t adding up here


That should have been the moment your friends (and others in say, a mile radius) heard a piercing scream, and the sound of your fist connecting with his snout (not necessarily in that order.)


----------



## Kgs-95

Tdbo said:


> That should have been the moment your friends (and others in say, a mile radius) heard a piercing scream, and the sound of your fist connecting with his snout (not necessarily in that order.)


I didn't know what happened and still really don't. I was in shock\denial.


----------



## Not

Rus47 said:


> Is OM ‘better’ than your husband? Did you know this guy before that night?
> 
> One detail am curious about, is when you discovered you were nude, with a naked man in the bed you had just gotten out of, you calmly asked him if you two had sex. Then put on clothes and went to a couch.
> 
> That seems a very unusual response to the circumstances. I would think most women in that circumstances would have run screaming from the bedroom pleading for help.
> 
> And immediately tearfully called their husband asking him to come rescue them.
> 
> Can you explain?


No. Just no and OP feel free to ignore things like this. Unless you’ve been in her exact shoes do not tell her what she should have done. My god.


----------



## Not

Wow, I can’t read this thread anymore. Some of these responses! It’s like watching a pack of wolves. OP, do not answer ANYTHING you don’t want to. You don’t owe anyone here one damn thing.


----------



## blackclover3

@Kgs-95 ,
What happened we cant change.

Most here agree on two scenarios:

1- you were half aware/or mostly and went with it, enjoyed it then your guilt/shock just fogging your memory

2- you really passed out completely and the guy was foorking a corpse

Now to your husbands

I think he will ask or do the following

1- Ask and demand you fill rape charges against him. Otherwise he is out. His way to keep what left from his dignity that paid for a vacation for his wife to cheat on him

2. He walk out on you

3. He find someone else to sleep with to make it even then go through MC

4. Or 1 and 2

Question for you which will choose or if you will stay if either one of the choices.
As far as him not acting and forgetting or just going through MC is very small chance to happen

My last question, if this happened to you when you are single, would you feel socked or just meh


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> @Kgs-95 ,
> What happened we cant change.
> 
> Most here agree on two scenarios:
> 
> 1- you were half aware/or mostly and went with it, enjoyed it then your guilt/shock just fogging your memory
> 
> 2- you really passed out completely and the guy was foorking a corpse
> 
> Now to your husbands
> 
> I think he will ask or do the following
> 
> 1- Ask and demand you fill rape charges against him. Otherwise he is out. His way to keep what left from his dignity that paid for a vacation for his wife to cheat on him
> 
> 2. He walk out on you
> 
> 3. He find someone else to sleep with to make it even then go through MC
> 
> 4. Or 1 and 2
> 
> Question for you which will choose or if you will stay if either one of the choices.
> As far as him not acting and forgetting or just going through MC is very small chance to happen
> 
> My last question, if this happened to you when you are single, would you feel socked or just meh


If it was the exact same scenario I would feel the same but it would be much less complicated and easier to forget


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> If it was the exact same scenario I would feel the same but it would be much less complicated and easier to forget


Will you go with reporting rape charges if your husband asks?


----------



## Kgs-95

Captain Obvious said:


> You need to keep in mind if/when your husband talks to scumbag, the creep is going to tell him you were a willing participant and wanted it and couldn't get enough. Creep isn't going to implicate himself in a sexual assault if that did happen. I wouldn't be surprised if creep filmed your encounter in some way if you were conscious or lucid in any way shape or form.


I am really terrified what he is going to say to him. The pictures video thing is now a new fear.


----------



## Kgs-95

blackclover3 said:


> Will you go with reporting rape charges if your husband asks?


I would go talk to the police if it is something he really feels like is needed, but I think it is a waste of time.


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> I would go talk to the police if it is something he really feels like is needed, but I think it is a waste of time.


It is not. This will be in their records if something ever happen in the future to other women they have his name and info he had done the same, and honestly if you believe you were completely passed out and couldn't feel him inside you then you should have reported this to the police even before telling your husband or you should asked him to take you to police to file a report. It should've come from you


----------



## blackclover3

Kgs-95 said:


> I am really terrified what he is going to say to him. The pictures video thing is now a new fear.


Picture and videos are highly likely happened. You will not know until police are involved.

The fact that the guy tried to add you to facebook indicates two things, you were a participant and both had fun or he is as stupid as a rock.


----------



## *Deidre*

I hope your marriage relationship can be repaired, OP. You did the right thing by telling your husband - I would consider detaching from these “friends.” It’s a new year, maybe time to turn the page from this group.


----------



## Evinrude58

Yes, it is highly suspicious after what happened and she thinks he is attractive and doesn’t seem to have more anger toward him or sense of violation disgust……….. that is indeed strange. Why is that OP? Has your husband asked that?


----------



## Tdbo

Kgs-95 said:


> I didn't know what happened and still really don't. I was in shock\denial.


I just threw this out as someone who is in the camp that you were taken advantage of.
Your reaction upon discovery is probably something that will come up at some point in your discussion with your husband.
Was it agreed that he was staying over as a result of being too messed up to drive, and if so, was he assigned to the same room or place with the friend of yours (who brought him,) who it also sounds like was staying over in your rental? I bring this up because he probably asked the friend if they know how he ended up in your bed, and if they were aware that anything was amiss. If they didn't, it could make bad even worse.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Kgs-95 said:


> I am really terrified what he is going to say to him. The pictures video thing is now a new fear.


And I don't mean to cause you and your husband any more grief and anxiety than you are already feeling, you just need to be prepared. Creep is going to look out for himself, he cares nothing about you, your hubby, or your marriage. Again, he isn't going to implicate himself in sexual assault. Depending on how big of a POS he is, he might get off on your husband coming to him about sleeping with his wife.


----------



## Rus47

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, it is highly suspicious after what happened and she thinks he is attractive and doesn’t seem to have more anger toward him or sense of violation disgust……….. that is indeed strange. Why is that OP? Has your husband asked that?


Stockholm syndrome? PTSD?


----------



## Kgs-95

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, it is highly suspicious after what happened and she thinks he is attractive and doesn’t seem to have more anger toward him or sense of violation disgust……….. that is indeed strange. Why is that OP? Has your husband asked that?


He is objectively not an ugly person. I am disgusted at the situation. He hasn't asked me anything like that.


----------



## ConanHub

Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph and all the saints!

You guys ask her leading questions and then feed off her brutal honesty. She's looking for help and you are trying to get her to give you ammunition to shoot her with!

Stop with the horse xit!!!!

I'm embarrassed for TAM right now!


----------



## ConanHub

P.S. 
The coworker that took advantage of me, when I was blind drunk and couldn't even walk without help,
was not bad looking but I had never been attracted to her and did NOT want to have sex with her.

You guys need to get out of your fing insecure heads!!!

This woman is not who you guys apparently want her to be. Stop trying to pretend she is.


----------



## Kgs-95

Tdbo said:


> I just threw this out as someone who is in the camp that you were taken advantage of.
> Your reaction upon discovery is probably something that will come up at some point in your discussion with your husband.
> Was it agreed that he was staying over as a result of being too messed up to drive, and if so, was he assigned to the same room or place with the friend of yours (who brought him,) who it also sounds like was staying over in your rental? I bring this up because he probably asked the friend if they know how he ended up in your bed, and if they were aware that anything was amiss. If they didn't, it could make bad even worse.


There were plenty of beds upstairs. I told them they could sleep up there because we were all drinking and they could figure it out. The people who were sober\didnt drink much left. My friends didn't know anything and I told her not to bring it up to the guy for now. Don't know if they talked about it but probably.


----------



## DosEquis

Kgs-95 said:


> Maybe


WTH?


----------



## Exit37

DosEquis said:


> WTH?


She has consistently said that she doesn’t know what happened. She remembers nothing about that night between when she went to bed and when she woke up the next morning. Because of that, she can’t rule out that she had consensual sex with the guy. She doesn’t think she did, but doesn’t know one way or the other.

Way too many people are looking to pound on the OP imo. It’s really not a good look.


----------



## Tdbo

Kgs-95 said:


> There were plenty of beds upstairs. I told them they could sleep up there because we were all drinking and they could figure it out. The people who were sober\didnt drink much left. My friends didn't know anything and I told her not to bring it up to the guy for now. Don't know if they talked about it but probably.


You were downstairs? If you told everyone there to sleep upstairs, and the others there can verify that, that helps your case. that you were taken advantage of.
Did the "Friend" that brought him stay also? If she didn't, you need to give serious consideration to dumping her.
As far as any photos or video,don't worry about that. He isn't going to admit to that. Since you gave no consent to do so, his "Recording" the event could get him seriously jammed up, on top of everything else.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?
> 
> I think he believes me that I don't remember but he is still processing. We are sleeping in the same room. We got into another fight when everyone left last night. I'm not sure exactly what he believes but definitely thinks I am stupid, doesnt want to to go anywhere or do anything. He definitely thinks I was taken advantage of in some way. There is a big difference between if I was totally passed out or out of it but responsive in some way when he started. He called my friend and talked to her. I heard some of the conversation but didn't ask about it when he was done. He went through my phone.
> 
> He is at his friends house right now. No telling what he will advise him to do. I am really scared about our family and friends finding out but it is going to happen. I told him I was going to get tested and he didn't really say anything. I told him he tried to add me on FB and told him I didnt accept it. He didn't like that at all. I think he is going to contact the guy soon or already has. I have no idea what this guy would say to my husband*. it has been horrible though and I never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this.*


I hate to sound callous (in reference to the underline and bold comment you made), but when you participate in reckless behavior sometimes these are the consequences you have to deal with. I hope you take this to heart and change your behaviors from this point forward regardless of what happens in your marriage. 

In my opinion, I am not so sure that you H contacting the OM is a wise thing to do. Your H is unlikely to get any reliable information from the OM and it does nothing to help repair your marriage. 

If you folks want to save your marriage you need to completely reject the OM from your lives and work on things to rebuild trust. You may not be able to convince your H otherwise, other than to ask what is the end game in contacting the OM. If he (H) contacts the OM and in the end believes the OM story over yours, this will do the opposite of rebuilding your marriage. I am not saying it will be over, but your marriage would likely be hanging on by very thin threads.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> That is not true. Her friend would not be charged.


If that's the case, then I think she should at least talk to the police to see if the guy has been reported before and to ask the police if they think a crime was committed it's worth pressing charges at this point. Whether or not to actually press charges would be a decision that she could still make after that with her husband.


----------



## Kgs-95

Tdbo said:


> You were downstairs? If you told everyone there to sleep upstairs, and the others there can verify that, that helps your case. that you were taken advantage of.
> Did the "Friend" that brought him stay also? If she didn't, you need to give serious consideration to dumping her.
> As far as any photos or video,don't worry about that. He isn't going to admit to that. Since you gave no consent to do so, his "Recording" the event could get him seriously jammed up, on top of everything else.


She stayed too but didn't know about anything until morning. Yeah i am going to stay away from them. We were friends all throughout school, but we don't see each other often.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> I would go talk to the police if it is something he really feels like is needed, but I think it is a waste of time.


With this much time that has passed and no evidence to collect, I agree at this point it is a waste of LE resources.


----------



## Kgs-95

Ikaika said:


> I hate to sound callous (in reference to the underline and bold comment you made), but when you participate in reckless behavior sometimes these are the consequences you have to deal with. I hope you take this to heart and change your behaviors from this point forward regardless of what happens in your marriage.
> 
> In my opinion, I am not so sure that you H contacting the OM is a wise thing to do. Your H is unlikely to get any reliable information from the OM and it does nothing to help repair your marriage.
> 
> If you folks want to save your marriage you need to completely reject the OM from your lives and work on things to rebuild trust. You may not be able to convince your H otherwise, other than to ask what is the end game in contacting the OM. If he (H) contacts the OM and in the end believes the OM story over yours, this will do the opposite of rebuilding your marriage. I am not saying it will be over, but your marriage would likely be hanging on by very thin threads.


I agree with you and I am done with the drinking and all of that. It isn't going to help anything contacting him and will probably make things worse. God knows what he will say but husband is in the dark and going to.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> I agree with you and I am done with the drinking and all of that. It isn't going to help anything contacting him and will probably make things worse. God knows what he will say but husband is in the dark and going to.


I would ask your H, if he thinks contacting the OM will rebuild trust. What is your H’s endgame in contacting him?


----------



## Evinrude58

Op is gonna be facing rough questions from her husband for a long time.
He’s gonna be picking apart every word she says as he overanalyzes every syllable. 
He’s been betrayed, if only by his wife’s horrible decisions.
She needs to be prepared.
If we have been given the whole story, op is guiltless of cheating and her husband is apparently seeing it that way too.
She still is going to have to face the insecurity her decisions have brought into her marriage.

she told him. Cheaters don’t tell


----------



## Kgs-95

Ikaika said:


> I would ask your H, if he thinks contacting the OM will rebuild trust. What is your H’s endgame in contacting him?


He is just really mad mostly


----------



## Exit37

Ikaika said:


> I would ask your H, if he thinks contacting the OM will rebuild trust. What is your H’s endgame in contacting him?


I don’t think this will be beneficial. She should not try to influence what her husband is going to do, short of making sure he does not try to get physical with the POSOM. If he asks she can give her opinion of course, but I think she just needs to be supportive.


----------



## snowbum

Is he home now?


----------



## Evinrude58

Op has done all she can. Ball is in her he’s court now. She’s not responsible if he beats the trash’s tail.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I am really terrified what he is going to say to him. The pictures video thing is now a new fear.


Two things about that. One, he could have pictures or video of you even if you were unconscious. If he was hunting you, hunters love to take trophies of their conquests. If he does, hope he keeps them to himself and doesn't share them with friends or post them online. Two, if the police believe this is rape and recommend that you press charges, they could file a warrant for his phone and/or computer to check for pictures and videos, which may or may not turn up something. The risk to you there is that the video shows you were conscious and suggests that you participated willingly while you were out of it. If there are pictures or video showing you unconscious, that could prove it was not consensual.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator warning *The next person who attacks @Kgs-95 will be banned.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> He is just really mad mostly


I get it, but as I have said already, rebuilding trust is the most important thing in your marriage. After your H contacts the OM, I can assure there will be even less trust on the part of your H in you. As others have already stated, there is no benefit in the OM coming clean with the truth. 

Who will H believe? I don’t know, but this is will likely put bring about questions and doubt in you. 

At this point, I do wish you the best. I just really hope that your H decides to just leave and work on your marriage.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If that's the case, then I think she should at least talk to the police to see if the guy has been reported before and to ask the police if they think a crime was committed it's worth pressing charges at this point. Whether or not to actually press charges would be a decision that she could still make after that with her husband.


This would be of no benefit, IMO.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator warning:- *And quit the advice to use violence. It's not helpful and can often be counterproductive. So knock it off. Or bans will be happening.


----------



## MattMatt

Megaforce said:


> This would be of no benefit, IMO.


Unless he's on the Sexual Offenders Register?


----------



## Kgs-95

snowbum said:


> Is he home now?


Not yet. Thanks for advice everyone.


----------



## Megaforce

Rus47 said:


> Stockholm syndrome? PTSD?


Instantaneous Stockholm Syndrome or PTSD, eh? Alright.


ConanHub said:


> Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph and all the saints!
> 
> You guys ask her leading questions and then feed off her brutal honesty. She's looking for help and you are trying to get her to give you ammunition to shoot her with!
> 
> Stop with the horse xit!!!!
> 
> I'm embarrassed for TAM right now!


It is moronic.


----------



## Exit37

MattMatt said:


> Unless he's on the Sexual Offenders Register?


She should be able to look that up herself in most states, no need to go to the police.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> Not yet. Thanks for advice everyone.


Talking with his friends, that is fine, your H needs to blow off steam. You need to give him this space.


----------



## Megaforce

Kgs-95 said:


> Not yet. Thanks for advice everyone.


You did everything right re disclosure. Help him get counseling.


----------



## Megaforce

Evinrude58 said:


> Op has done all she can. Ball is in her he’s court now. She’s not responsible if he beats the trash’s tail.


Or gets his butt handed to him. Just leave the guy alone.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> I doubt it. What if one is physically weaker? He has to just tolerate it?





Kgs-95 said:


> There were plenty of beds upstairs. I told them they could sleep up there because we were all drinking and they could figure it out. The people who were sober\didnt drink much left. My friends didn't know anything and I told her not to bring it up to the guy for now. Don't know if they talked about it but probably.


I would mention to her that you may be filing rape report against him and she would most likely be called to testify that you were put to bed and asleep when checked on. Wonder her response then.

Being the guy was her friend and she gave you the drugs, he may require you to cut her off as a friend when it is all said and done.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Ikaika said:


> With this much time that has passed and no evidence to collect, I agree at this point it is a waste of LE resources.


Shame the panties were washed by now.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> This would be of no benefit, IMO.


If her husband believes she was taken advantage of and is angry at the guy, it would provide a legal avenue for justice for his wife. I think inviting the police and potentially a local prosecutor into the conversation, discussing the details with them, and letting them advice her and her husband whether it's worth pursuing is better than listening to all of us advise her whether pressing charges is worth it, a waste of time, etc. I do agree that it will likely be a difficult case to pursue and win based on what we know and how much time has passed, but the police may know more than we do about the guy and may find reasons to advise her to pursue charges when they talk to her and maybe her friends in person. They may ask her questions none of us have thought of. If the tell her that it sounds like it may have been a sexual assault but they don't think there is enough evidence to pursue it, it may help her and her husband to hear that. Even after that conversation, if the police do think it's worth pursuing, she can opt not to for reasons that have been discussed in this thread, but even that could be useful to know.

We've gone back and forth on this a lot. I'm making my case for why I think she should report and I acknowledge the counter arguments and the doubts that it will result in an arrest or conviction. The downsides to reporting, if it goes nowhere, is that it will waste some of her time, it will waste some of the police's time, being questioned may be uncomfortable and upsetting, and the police might turn their interest on how her friends got their hands on the drug and why they gave it to her, which you doubt will be a problem. I'm generally of the opinion that if there is a chance, you don't know until you try and convincing yourself it won't work simply guarantees failure. If she's not 100% sure it won't help or go anywhere, then I think it's worth a try unless there is a serious downside to it. Feel free to disagree. And OP should certainly feel free to disagree and do whatever she wants.

If you want to argue against the points I've made and raise concerns about reporting, by all means do. It's then up to the OP (with her husband's input) to decide if there would be any benefit to reporting this or not. My feelings won't be hurt if she doesn't report it. It's her life.

My only concern would be that if if this was a sexual assault and the guy believes he got away with it, a lack of consequences may embolden to do it again with someone else. Yes, I realize talking to the police is difficult. I realize a lot of sex crimes go unpunished. It's why a lot of sexual crimes go unreported. And it's why a lot of sex criminals never face any consequences for what they've done. OP is under no obligation to care about any of that, but I think it's worth considering.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Ikaika said:


> I would ask your H, if he thinks contacting the OM will rebuild trust. What is your H’s endgame in contacting him?


Her husband will be looking for every clue he can find and determine whether he thinks @Kgs-95 is being honest with him or not. She has ZERO control over what he chooses to do and if she did try to pressure him in ANY way he will perceive it as her trying to protect the asshole which is a monumentally bad idea.
She needs to support him in whatever he decides to do


----------



## Rubix Cubed

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator warning *The next person who attacks @Kgs-95 will be banned.


It's about time. 
Where ya been MattMatt?


----------



## Ikaika

@Kgs-95 

Simple question to ask your H in light of him wanting to contact the OM. Simply ask your H if he trust that what you told him is the truth. If your H says no or says nothing and contacts the OM, he (your H) does NOT trust you. This would be an unfortunate turn for your marriage.

Again, there is no benefit for the OM to be truthful to your H about the events of what happened. 

I really hope the best for your marriage.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Ikaika said:


> @Kgs-95
> 
> Simple question to ask your H in light of him wanting to contact the OM. Simply ask your H if he trust that what you told him is the truth. If your H says no or says nothing and contacts the OM, he (your H) does NOT trust you. This would be an unfortunate turn for your marriage.
> 
> Again, there is no benefit for the OM to be truthful to your H about the events of what happened.
> 
> I really hope the best for your marriage.


How could he trust her right now? She slept with another man.


----------



## MattMatt

Rubix Cubed said:


> It's about time.
> Where ya been MattMatt?


I was entertaining our African Grey Parrot with a video recording of a Michael Jackson HIStory concert. As it happens. 

She loves Michael Jackson.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Divinely Favored said:


> Shame the panties were washed by now.


If she was naked, she wasn't wearing panties. If he was wearing a condom, there may have been nothing to find, anyway. What's lost is a medical examination that may have explained why she was sore and shown that she was forced to have sex that may have been painful (via injuries) or evidence that she wasn't awake at the time. A drug test that morning could also have confirmed what she took and if there was anything else in her system. Also lost is any evidence that they might have gotten out of the bed or garbage. Can't go back and get that now.

The OP was unprepared and surprised by what happened. To her credit, I think she's been amazingly forthright to herself and us, isn't trying to escape blame for being reckless, and isn't discounting possibilities while unconscious that might unflattering to her because she doesn't know. Hindsight is always 20/20. In retrospect, there are a lot of things she probably would have done differently knowing what she knows now.


----------



## MattMatt

Ikaika said:


> @Kgs-95
> 
> Simple question to ask your H in light of him wanting to contact the OM. Simply ask your H if he trust that what you told him is the truth. If your H says no or says nothing and contacts the OM, he (your H) does NOT trust you. This would be an unfortunate turn for your marriage.
> 
> Again, there is no benefit for the OM to be truthful to your H about the events of what happened.
> 
> I really hope the best for your marriage.


He's not an Other Man.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Exit37 said:


> She should be able to look that up herself in most states, no need to go to the police.


The police may have also received other reports or complaints that are not public. She won't know unless she talks to the police.


----------



## Divinely Favored

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If she was naked, she wasn't wearing panties.


She said she put clothes on and wend to the couch. I'm sure she did not go the rest of day with no panties on.


----------



## Ikaika

MattMatt said:


> He's not an Other Man.


Technically true, but I am sure her H sees him as OM even though the circumstances appear predatory the part of this man who slipped into bed with her in her completely adulterated state of mind. Remember she said it is 95% that she did not give consent and 5% chance she did. What do think her H will believe, the 95% or the 5%?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

@MattMatt FYI, your moderator warning is very difficult to read on a black background. It shows up as dark black text on an almost black background. (Also sent as a Report.)


----------



## masterofmasters

so many stupid questions in this thread. wow!


----------



## MattMatt

Thanks for that info. It's one of the reasons why I don't use black backgrounds, as my eyesight can't handle them well, these days. (A "benefit" of growing older, I suppose?)


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Divinely Favored said:


> She said she put clothes on and wend to the couch. I'm sure she did not go the rest of day with no panties on.


See the point I made right after that about wearing a condom. If it was unclear to her whether she'd had sex or not, what you seem to be imagining seems unlikely, since that would have made what happened pretty clear to her. If he was wearing a condom, that would suggest that he was acting with some aforethought about what he was doing.


----------



## ConanHub

MattMatt said:


> Unless he's on the Sexual Offenders Register?


That's public accessable information too.


----------



## ElOtro

Kgs-95 said:


> He is just really mad mostly


With the OM?
He seem to have good reasons for.


----------



## Jimi007

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator warning *The next person who attacks @Kgs-95 will be banned.


Thank you sir...it's definitely out of hand


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> He is just really mad mostly





ElOtro said:


> With the OM?
> He seem to have good reasons for.


I think he should be mad at the guy, especially if he believes he took advantage of or sexually assaulted his wife. He's probably also mad at his wife for being reckless and putting herself in that situation. He may be mad that she took so long to tell him. He may be mad at himself for letting her go there alone and not doing more to be there with her like they originally intended. He may more broadly be mad at himself for failing to protect his wife and keep her safe. He may also be mad at himself for not pushing more when he realized something was wrong before she told him. He may be mad at her friends for taking her out to drink, letting the guy go to the house with them, giving her the drug, and not protecting his wife from the guy -- heck, they could have killed his wife and he might be angry about that, too. He may also be angry at his wife for risking her life. In general, he's probably mad at the whole injustice of the situation and everyone involved because he didn't do anything to deserve being put in this crappy situation. Don't assume he's mad at or over just one part of this or that all of his anger is directed only at the guy or his wife.

I don't think anyone should assume he's mad at just one thing right now.


----------



## Anastasia6

Kgs-95 said:


> I was shocked and trying to figure out what happened and what I should do


Which is actually completely normal in this type of familiar person rape situation.
It is also common for a woman who drank or did drugs to blame themselves for the rape. You are not responsible for someone coming into your room, and sticking their penis in without consent.

I don't care if you call it rape or you tell your husband rape or you tell the police. I would like you to spend sometime on an actual rape help site to find out completely normal things or people who have never experienced this type of thing to ask unkind and stupid questions like my favorite. If it was rape you'd have called the police immediately. THAT is almost NEVER how it happens. IN fact some are sometimes your brain would prefer any choice other than rape. In addition society still has a large section of people who think that if a woman doesn't wear a chastity belt and only leave their house with their husband or a male relative then they deserve it. and other milder versions (look simply at this thread). You need to do things to help yourself process this. Those same sites often have information on helping spouses. Cause rape or cheating your spouse will still have a hard time processing.

Please consider getting some actual help.


----------



## Anastasia6

snowbum said:


> The fact you stayed in his room for hours is weird. Are you sure you’re not covering up something? Like he’s an ex your husband didn’t know about? If my husband said “ I blacked out, banged a chick. Slept in her bed and stayed in her room” he’d never converse with me again


And have you ever been raped by an acquaintance that involved debilitating drugs?


----------



## Casual Observer

@Kgs-95 Something that keeps coming up in my mind- the FB friend request. Is the guy that clueless, that smart, or he really doesn’t know how things went for you and that’s his idea of reaching out?

There are probably all sorts of reasons this is a dumb idea, but what if you give complete FB access to your husband and suggest friending and/or messaging him might be a way to get information? Your husband providing the script? Combined with agreeing to the lie detector.


----------



## ElOtro

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think he should be mad at the guy, especially if he believes he took advantage of or sexually assaulted his wife. He's probably also mad at his wife for being reckless and putting herself in that situation. He may be mad that she took so long to tell him. He may be mad at himself for letting her go there alone and not doing more to be there with her. He may more broadly be mad at himself for failing to protect his wife and keep her safe. He may also be mad at himself for not pushing more when he realized something was wrong before she told him. He may be mad at her friends for taking her out to drink, letting the guy go to the house with them, giving her the drug, and not protecting his wife from the guy -- heck, they could have killed his wife and he might be angry about that, too. He may also be angry at his wife for risking her life. In general, he's probably mad at the whole injustice of the situation and everyone involved because he didn't do anything to deserve being put in this crappy situation. Don't assume he's mad at or over just one part of this or that all of his anger is directed only at the guy or his wife.
> 
> I don't think anyone should assume he's mad at just one thing right now.


"I don't think anyone should assume he's mad at just one thing right now"
I´m not assuming that and I fully agree with you.
Never said there is / should be only one reason.
Even so, it seemed to me (and I may be wrong) that she was answering about his husband state of mind as specifically related to contact the OM.
Of course all the other factors and alternatives are also there.
But if his main assumption (as would be mine) is that his loved one was abused, the anger with that POS (the abuser) may also be his main one.

And would be so even if he ends divorcing her because of putting herself in such risky scenario.

That, regardless her and anyone´s better intentions may show she that she, even with no purpose of explicitely cheating (at least not a concious one), is not completely fit for the "task" of being completely loyal.
Somehow like a pilot with a good training and skils but with a risky myopy on certain rare but not impossibe conditions and that refuse to use glasses.

But no matter other conjectural outcomes, his anger to an abuser is IMO granted and not unreasonable.
EVEN if the victim of such abuse may soon become his Ex for other and above said reasons.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Casual Observer said:


> @Kgs-95 Something that keeps coming up in my mind- the FB friend request. Is the guy that clueless, that smart, or he really doesn’t know how things went for you and that’s his idea of reaching out?


I don't think it's safe to assume he's clueless. He may be, but he could be a predator who intentionally hung around looking for sex who hopes he can manipulate her into more sex. If he does have pictures or video of what happened or thought she hadn't told her husband yet, he could have been intending to blackmail her into more contact with him. If her husband tried to contact him already or talked to others and he now knows the husband knows, he could react differently now than he would have when he sent the request.

@Kgs-95 Keep in mind that if you reach out to this guy over FB, you'll have one chance to find out more from him and if he suspects he won't get anything else out of you or that you are trying to find evidence against him, he'll shut up and won't tell you anything. If he's a predator, you might be able to get him to tell you more and may even get him to reveal pictures or videos to you, if he has them, but you'll need to out-manipulate him (probably by making him think he can manipulate and control you), not let him realize you might turn it against him, and you absolutely need to keep your husband involved in the entire process so he doesn't suspect you of doing anything behind his back.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Kgs-95 said:


> We do drugs a few times a year together. I drink more then that but not as much as I did that night. I'm usually with my husband as well.


Let’s use a commonsensical approach moving forward. Both of you should avoid drugs. Nothing positive will come of it.

secondly, it will take several years to earn back your husbands trust. Take it from this betrayed husband. You have a hard road ahead of you.

Your husband is in shock right now, and he willbe all over the radar the next few months.


----------



## detailsmatter

Kgs-95 said:


> No my husband is great and he is gorgeous. I don't know that much about this guy but I wouldn't say he is better in any way at all.
> 
> No. I woke up at 5am to go pee. I was naked, still f-ed up, and I saw him in the bed also. I went to the bathroom and found some clothes and went back to sleep on a couch. We didnt have that conversation until we were both awake for the day.


Look, I hope the best for you. I know some friends who would never, ever, do something again after straying.

But just a thought - per post #715 - your clothes were in the bathroom? IMO they would have been around the bed if the dirtbag ( and he is a total dirtbag) had attacked you. At the time he certainly would never been thoughtful enough to put them in the bathroom for you. I would question if your friends had undressed you when they took you to your room.

Where were his clothes? IMO - If you both were impaired, neither of you would have thought to take them to the bathroom. Did the whole incident start in the bathroom?

Second thought - I know there are differing opinions on this but the fact he tried to contact you on FB seems to me he thought he had a chance of meeting up again which would mean that you did consent. IMO if he indeed attacked you he would try to hide and try to forget it because if you had immediately turned him in it could have meant charges and possible prison.


----------



## snowbum

Anastasia6 said:


> And have you ever been raped by an acquaintance that involved debilitating drugs?


Yep. Freshman year of college. Senior took advantage of me when I passed out. I went to the police and had rape exam the next morning. had to tell my parents. Wry traumatic and humiliating and worse being 3 hours from home. The guy had the nerve to harass me. Difference was booze not pills were the cause.


----------



## Not

A friend of mine was in a bad car accident years ago. He suffered severe head trauma and was in a coma for a few days. When he woke up it was quickly discovered he had lost memory of the last year. He didn’t know his wife was nine months pregnant and was stunned to see his one year old daughter as a two year old.

I can imagine the shock. I imagine this was something similar to what OP experienced the next morning. Total shock, the kind that renders you dumb and mute especially when what your told you did is something that far out of character for you. I’d be speechless and confused to the point of disbelief. That kind of shock can throw someone into a fugue like state where nothing makes sense and life seems unreal. There is no way the shock wore off very quickly.


----------



## Anastasia6

snowbum said:


> Yep. Freshman year of college. Senior took advantage of me when I passed out. I went to the police and had rape exam the next morning. had to tell my parents. Wry traumatic and humiliating and worse being 3 hours from home. The guy had the nerve to harass me. Difference was booze not pills were the cause.


So because you are part of the 10% that do this you find no grace for others. I have to say I'm shocked and disappointed. To each their own. For the grace of god go I....


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

ElOtro said:


> Even so, it seemed to me (and I may be wrong) that she was answering about his husband state of mind as specifically related to contact the OM.


I read it more broadly than that but I may be wrong.



ElOtro said:


> But if his main assumption (as would be mine) is that his loved one was abused, the anger with that POS (the abuser) may also be his main one.
> 
> And would be so even if he ends divorcing her because of putting herself in such risky scenario.


Correct. It can be very complicated. Many betrayed spouses who were deliberately cheated on can feel both love and hate at the same time, a desire to simultaneously want to embrace them and shove them away. The feelings involved can get very complicated and can confuse the person experiencing them. They won't always make sense.

But I also want @Kgs-95 to consider that at least some of her husband's anger may be directed back toward himself. She was alone because they changed their plans and he didn't go with her. He may blame himself for that. And a lot of husbands feel it is their role to protect and defend their wife and he wasn't there to do that for her. He didn't see it coming. He didn't put safeguards in place. He may see that as a personal failure, whether that's reasonable and fair or not.

People don't like feeling like they are helpless pawns of fate. It's why they typically wonder, "What could I have done differently to prevent this?" A nasty side-effect of that is that people would sometimes rather blame themselves for something they had no control over than accept that they couldn't do anything to prevent it. This is why parents who lose children to cancer, other diseases, and freak accidents that they couldn't reasonably have predicted or prevented still blame themselves for what happened.


----------



## Anastasia6

@


QuestionAssumptions said:


> I don't think it's safe to assume he's clueless. He may be, but he could be a predator who intentionally hung around looking for sex who hopes he can manipulate her into more sex. If he does have pictures or video of what happened or thought she hadn't told her husband yet, he could have been intending to blackmail her into more contact with him. If her husband tried to contact him already or talked to others and he now knows the husband knows, he could react differently now than he would have when he sent the request.
> 
> @Kgs-95 Keep in mind that if you reach out to this guy over FB, you'll have one chance to find out more from him and if he suspects he won't get anything else out of you or that you are trying to find evidence against him, he'll shut up and won't tell you anything. If he's a predator, you might be able to get him to tell you more and may even get him to reveal pictures or videos to you, if he has them, but you'll need to out-manipulate him (probably by making him think he can manipulate and control you), not let him realize you might turn it against him, and you absolutely need to keep your husband involved in the entire process so he doesn't suspect you of doing anything behind his back.


@Kgs-95 this isn't a terrible idea. With you husbands oversight ...if he doesn't know that you have told your husband or that you continue to not want contact. There are men who try to use the original non-consensual contact to gain consensual with the you do this or I'll tell.

I might send a message like.... As I told you when I woke up I don't remember what happened and I'm very embarrassed and just trying to move on. I know I went to bed dressed and alone. I'm married and have no interest in anything other than my husband.

It could backfire in that he says something like oh you were so into it. But really chances are he'll at the minimum say yeah you were kind of out of it but you enjoyed it or something benign. At best he may admit he knew you were out of it or try to blackmail you.

Just to see what he does say when he doesn't think your husband is 'listening'
I think you


----------



## Not

snowbum said:


> Yep. Freshman year of college. Senior took advantage of me when I passed out. I went to the police and had rape exam the next morning. had to tell my parents. Wry traumatic and humiliating and worse being 3 hours from home. The guy had the nerve to harass me. Difference was booze not pills were the cause.


My daughter was raped her junior year in high school. She is still in therapy for it, four years later. We all deal with traumatic experiences in our own ways.


----------



## Kgs-95

detailsmatter said:


> Look, I hope the best for you. I know some friends who would never, ever, do something again after straying.
> 
> But just a thought - per post #715 - your clothes were in the bathroom? IMO they would have been around the bed if the dirtbag ( and he is a total dirtbag) had attacked you. At the time he certainly would never been thoughtful enough to put them in the bathroom for you. I would question if your friends had undressed you when they took you to your room.
> 
> Where were his clothes? IMO - If you both were impaired, neither of you would have thought to take them to the bathroom. Did the whole incident start in the bathroom?
> 
> Second thought - I know there are differing opinions on this but the fact he tried to contact you on FB seems to me he thought he had a chance of meeting up again which would mean that you did consent. IMO if he indeed attacked you he would try to hide and try to forget it because if you had immediately turned him in it could have meant charges and possible prison.


I didnt even try to look for my original clothes then, I got some more out of my stuff. I could have phrased that better. When I first woke up he wasn't wearing a shirt, not sure about the rest. No idea why he would want to add me on FB, but when I used to actually be active on FB I would get requests from people I just met of send requests when I met people.


----------



## Kgs-95

The Facebook thing is actually a really good idea and I will bring it up to my husband


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## ElOtro

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I read it more broadly than that but I may be wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> Correct. It can be very complicated. Many betrayed spouses who were deliberately cheated on can feel both love and hate at the same time, a desire to simultaneously want to embrace them and shove them away. The feelings involved can get very complicated and can confuse the person experiencing them. They won't always make sense.
> 
> But I also want @Kgs-95 to consider that at least some of her husband's anger may be directed back toward himself. She was alone because they changed their plans and he didn't go with her. He may blame himself for that. And a lot of husbands feel it is their role to protect and defend their wife and he wasn't there to do that for her. He didn't see it coming. He didn't put safeguards in place. He may see that as a personal failure, whether that's reasonable and fair or not.
> 
> People don't like feeling like they are helpless pawns of fate. It's why they typically wonder, "What could I have done differently to prevent this?" A nasty side-effect of that is that people would sometimes rather blame themselves for something they had no control over than accept that they couldn't do anything to prevent it. This is why parents who lose children to cancer, other diseases, and freak accidents that they couldn't reasonably have predicted or prevented still blame themselves for what happened.


Is not IMO really important whom of both read it better.
I think it´s good that we both now know what was the other one talking about within each one´s assumptions, right or wrong.
And even better is that regardles a specific point we agree about her husband possible contradictory feelings in a wider view.


----------



## snowbum

Anastasia6 said:


> So because you are part of the 10% that do this you find no grace for others. I have to say I'm shocked and disappointed. To each their own. For the grace of god go I....


I didn’t say I don’t feel bad for her. I didn’t know the guy at all. I passed out and a friend left me. 

I question some things us all. People handle things differently. I just don’t understand some of the decisions.


----------



## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> The Facebook thing is actually a really good idea and I will bring it up to my husband


In my humblest of opinion, I would not even entertain any of his FB friend request. You really need to put this guy behind you, just as your H should as well. If you or your H start to follow this guy online or you entertain his FB request, this will only add more problems. Now is the time to work on things between the two of you… this guy will just be an added source of problems and reminder to your H of who he is. Do you really want that? 

The best thing to do is put all contact with this guy on silent. I would even go a step further and suggest you even ghost your friend who seems to have had some inadvertent hand in this.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I didnt even try to look for my original clothes then, I got some more out of my stuff. I could have phrased that better. When I first woke up he wasn't wearing a shirt, not sure about the rest.


If it's not too painful, you may want to try remembering where you found your original clothes. That might give you a clue to how you got out of them (whether you did it or he did it and whether you were conscious or not). Were they neat or messy? Your side or his side? Any tears or stretching indicating they were pulled off of you? Think about it like a potential crime scene where you are trying to figure out what happened. What clues did you see and what do they tell you about what might have happened? Do things you saw support or rule out any possibilities?

I think you've been doing your best to be honest and transparent with us. The reason why people are asking for and focusing on details is that we're trying to help you figure out what happened.


----------



## MattMatt

Ikaika said:


> In my humblest of opinion, I would not even entertain any of his FB friend request. You really need to put this guy behind you, just as your H should as well. If you or your H start to follow this guy online or you entertain his FB request, this will only add more problems. Now is the time to work on things between the two of you… this guy will just be an added source of problems and reminder to your H of who he is. Do you really want that?
> 
> The best thing to do is put all contact with this guy on silent. I would even go a step further and suggest you even ghost your friend who seems to have had some inadvertent hand in this.


After the married couple have used FB to smoke him out, they can see a lawyer to see what their options are, such as should they tell the police, etc. Then they block him on FB.


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## Ikaika

MattMatt said:


> After the married couple have used FB to smoke him out, they can see a lawyer to see what their options are, such as should they tell the police, etc. Then they block him on FB.


Sure, but I think way too much time has passed and evidence is gone. I don’t think the police are going to charge someone based on he said she said unless there are some corroborating witnesses. 

I just think the FB thing is a huge mistake and will not make the H deal with this any better than he has to already. I still believe just cutting all ties with him and her friend who is friends with this guy may be the best option.


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## Kgs-95

My husband already called my friend who the guy was at my rental with, so he probably knows my husband knows if he hasn't already messaged him.

My clothes were in and around bed and pretty sure no condom was involved.


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## ShatteredKat

Kgs-95 

A short saying:

_The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing. _

mis-attributed to Edmund Burke - 

The POS that did you should have some heat on him and you reporting the incident is the right thing to do. 

What can happen? Report taken, police investigate or ? - some reporter checks the police blotter and gets a "lead" on a story - but that won't get published. Maybe passed around via word of mouth? 

Getting black-out snockered on anything is not a crime unless you do something, like drive a car, while in that state. Any person taking advantage of another while person is "out of their mind" is not ok and in your case, as close to rape as it can get. (my point of view)

Time to grow up some more - take on the onerous chore of doing the report for the good of society in general. Swallow your pride but hold your head high as you move forward having learned the hard way something to never do again.

I think also, reporting the POS will defuse the desire of your husband to re-arrange his face.

How many people other than your "friends" now know about the night of the black-out?
Odds are it will get talked about sometime in the future. Prepare yourself for the shock of finding out YOU have been found out. Ya, you will never again do what you did - but the past cannot be undone and it will follow you unless you leave behind the places a people where the blackout occured.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> The Facebook thing is actually a really good idea and I will bring it up to my husband


If you do that, and you need to carefully think it through, remember that you'll have once shot to get it right so think it all the way through first. 

You might be able to get him to reveal what kind of guy he if you portray yourself needing something from him (e.g., for him to keep quiet, to tell our husband something that will convince him it's not your fault, etc.). If he thinks you want something from him, that may reveal how sleazy he is or isn't based on whether he asks you for something in return and what he asks for. It may also help if you act a little stupid and desperate.

For example, if you beg him, "Please tell my husband I was unconscious!" he might tell you, "Why would I say that? Then I could be charged with rape or your husband will beat me up!" You could then say, "Well, isn't that what really happened?" At that point, he might reveal the truth for you, or maybe he won't say anything like he did that morning. It may work but also may not if he's a pro at it.

It would be a manipulation game, and you'll need to be very convincing to pull it off. You can't suddenly pause in the middle to think or say the wrong thing. You should walk through a bunch of sample conversations with different responses to make sure you can react quickly, no matter what he says or does. And if he's clever, he may be manipulating you back. He may have a lot of experiencing manipulating people to get what he wants and may be able to lie to your face.

Also, if you do contact him via Facebook, make sure you record everything. Copy and archive the messages. Video record the texting conversation while you do it. If you talk to him by phone, record that if it's legal where you live. If you get evidence, you need to record it and document it because if it was a sexual assault, you may want to bring the evidence to the police. 

If you can afford it, you could try talking to a private investigator or lawyer, first. They might be able to give you good advice on how to proceed before you accidentally mess any of this up. A private investigator may also be able to find out a lot about the guy without you having to contact him. They may also be able to coach you through what to do.


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## Ikaika

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband already called my friend who the guy was at my rental with, so he probably knows my husband knows if he hasn't already messaged him.


I know you have little control over whether your husband chooses to reach out to “Charlie” (let’s just start calling him Charlie - I hope that is not his real name), but again this may present more problems than it is worth. I really hope the two of you, that is you and your H can start working on your marriage again and rebuilding trust. The constant reminder will not help.


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## bryanp

This is a thought that might help you
remember the details of the event.

My sister is a therapist in Hong Kong
and she sometimes uses hypnosis to
help people who have forgotten the details
of an event. I am sure that there are
therapists that specialize
in these types of issues. You might
wish to look into this.

I wish you the best.


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## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> My husband already called my friend who the guy was at my rental with, so he probably knows my husband knows if he hasn't already messaged him.


You may want to find out more about this if your husband will tell you. Don't push too hard if he doesn't want to tell you.



Kgs-95 said:


> My clothes were in and around bed and pretty sure no condom was involved.


Would you have had sex like that with him if you were thinking straight? In other words, are you on birth control or not and would you have been worried about pregnancy or STDs if you weren't impaired? Is pregnancy something you need to worry about at this point? (You don't need to answer that if you don't want to -- just make sure you've thought about it). Others have recommended STD testing for you and your husband. No condom makes that more urgent.

That would have been evidence that you had sex had you reported it and been examined at the time, but there is nothing you can do about it now. It's always easy to figure out what you should have done differently looking back at things.


----------



## ElOtro

ShatteredKat said:


> _The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing. _
> 
> mis-attributed to Edmund Burke -


Both the quote and that is misatributed are true.
And the quote is a rare jewell.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

snowbum said:


> Yep. Freshman year of college. Senior took advantage of me when I passed out. I went to the police and had rape exam the next morning. had to tell my parents. Wry traumatic and humiliating and worse being 3 hours from home. The guy had the nerve to harass me. Difference was booze not pills were the cause.


Was he charged I hope?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Ikaika said:


> I know you have little control over whether your husband chooses to reach out to “Charlie” (let’s just start calling him Charlie - I hope that is not his real name), but again this may present more problems than it is worth. I really hope the two of you, that is you and your H can start working on your marriage again and rebuilding trust. The constant reminder will not help.


While I've mentioned trying to use FB to find out more, this is also advice that you need to consider. You need to consider all the positive and negative reasons to do what people are recommending and then do what you think is best for you and your husband.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Kgs-95 said:


> No idea why he would want to add me on FB, but when I used to actually be active on FB I would get requests from people I just met of send requests when I met people.


 My guess is he wanted to keep tabs on the situation (husband threat and law enforcement repercussions).
He also could have been hoping you'd get with him again behind your husband's back.


----------



## Ikaika

@Kgs-95

Do what you think is best, but again in my opinion, friending Charlie on FB or any other social media site will likely be a mistake for you or your H. Mentioning his real name, contacting him in any way is likely to cause more problems when you should be rebuilding trust in your marriage. But, you do you. I will end there.


----------



## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> I didnt even try to look for my original clothes then, I got some more out of my stuff. I could have phrased that better. When I first woke up he wasn't wearing a shirt, not sure about the rest. No idea why he would want to add me on FB, but when I used to actually be active on FB I would get requests from people I just met of send requests when I met people.


He might want you on Facebook, because he collects trophies of other women that he has done this to. When he looks at a Facebook page, he's looking at all the heads of his conquests mounted on his Facebook page. 
Maybe he thinks, if you orgasmed, that you might be good for another round in the future.
I would only involve the police, due to liability issues. Even though what he did was a crime, he can still sue for slander if you cannot prove what he did to satisfy a court.


----------



## snowbum

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Was he charged I hope?


Nope. Noted in record that was reported. Ge left the state the next week. I didn’t want to dace anymore. I was barely 18


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Rubix Cubed said:


> My guess is he wanted to keep tabs on the situation (husband threat and law enforcement repercussions).
> He also could have been hoping you'd get with him again behind your husband's back.


This guy might be a moron who doesn't know any better.

He could as be a predator who gets his kicks out of having sex with married women behind their husband's backs. There are many, many infidelity stories about men who repeatedly talk married woman after married woman into cheating on their husbands with them and then get the wives to do things that will humiliate their husbands so that they can laugh at them being their backs -- meet the husband so they can verbally mess with them, send them pictures and videos, do (often humiliating) things with them they refuse their husbands, send them home after oral sex to kiss their husbands, have sex in the marital bed, and so on. Destroying the wife and marriage and humiliating the husband are a big part of the thrill to them. Don't underestimate how evil people can be because there are some truly evil people out there. And many of them are very good at hiding what they are from people until it's too late. The worst people have no empathy. They won't feel bad or sorry about anything they do. They often have big egos, so playing on their egos can work. It's difficult for nice and normal people to imagine such people exist to their detriment.

How intelligent did he seem to be? How were his social skills? Did he seem charming?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

UAArchangel said:


> Maybe he thinks, if you orgasmed, that you might be good for another round in the future.


Important point for women who have been sexually assaulted or those trying to help them -- just because a woman has an orgasm doesn't mean she enjoyed it or wanted it.

At least 4% and perhaps as many as 50% of women who are sexually assaulted have orgasms, and it severely messes with their minds and makes them doubt what happened to them. A lot of them are ashamed of it, hide it, and don't want to talk about it. They know it will give people the wrong impression. Some sexual predators may be skilled at doing this because they know it makes the woman less likely to believe they were sexually assaulted.

Here is a fairly detailed article about it: What Science Says About Arousal During Rape


----------



## Not

I think the facebook request was him hoping you’d respond thereby admitting cognizance. By ignoring him you’ve sent a clear message that you are NOT ok with this. He knows he’s messed up.


----------



## Kgs-95

QuestionAssumptions said:


> This guy might be a moron who doesn't know any better.
> 
> He could as be a predator who gets his kicks out of having sex with married women behind their husband's backs. There are many, many infidelity stories about men who repeatedly talk married woman after married woman into cheating on their husbands with them and then get the wives to do things that will humiliate their husbands so that they can laugh at them being their backs -- meet the husband so they can verbally mess with them, send them pictures and videos, do (often humiliating) things with them they refuse their husbands, send them home after oral sex to kiss their husbands, have sex in the marital bed, and so on. Destroying the wife and marriage and humiliating the husband are a big part of the thrill to them. Don't underestimate how evil people can be because there are some truly evil people out there. And many of them are very good at hiding what they are from people until it's too late. The worst people have no empathy. They won't feel bad or sorry about anything they do. They often have big egos, so playing on their egos can work. It's difficult for nice and normal people to imagine such people exist to their detriment.
> 
> How intelligent did he seem to be? How were his social skills? Did he seem charming?


He seemed smart, was polite and nice when I talked to him. Outgoing.


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## Beach123

Have you checked public records/court records in your county to see if he was ever charged with any prior crimes?


----------



## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> He seemed smart, was polite and nice when I talked to him. Outgoing.


I am guessing he's arrogant. You were not his first victim. The fact that he knew the dosage to give you to knock you out, but not pose a risk to your life, would be evidence of that.


----------



## Anastasia6

UAArchangel said:


> I am guessing he's arrogant. You were not his first victim. The fact that he knew the dosage to give you to knock you out, but not pose a risk to your life, would be evidence of that.


He didn't give her the pill (or at least the one we know she took) that was her friend (girl) who didn't tell her to take 1/2.


----------



## Kgs-95

Beach123 said:


> Have you checked public records/court records in your county to see if he was ever charged with any prior crimes?


I saw where he got a DUI years ago on a local site, but that's it.


----------



## UAArchangel

Anastasia6 said:


> He didn't give her the pill (or at least the one we know she took) that was her friend (girl) who didn't tell her to take 1/2.


My mistake. I thought he gave it to her. 
It sounds like they may have been working together. In which case, they both knew what they were doing.


----------



## Trdd

I am impressed you've confided in your husband. One observation from your answers to questions here is be careful how you answer questions with your husband. Be truthful but the words you choose may stick with him a very long time. Years. 

I mention this because when you answer questions about the guy who took advantage of you, your responses here do not show a level of disgust or anger with him. I am not saying you are attracted to this guy or were attracted to him. But when you describe him here, it actually reads as on the favorable side. I would suggest avoiding that carefully when you talk to your husband. He'll want you to be negative, not neutral or subtly positive in any way. And if you read what you wrote here in some of the answers, it sometimes is more positive than negative.


----------



## Exit37

UAArchangel said:


> My mistake. I thought he gave it to her.
> It sounds like they may have been working together. In which case, they both knew what they were doing.


No, the woman who gave her the pill is her friend from all the way back to high school. They weren’t “working together” to facilitate OP’s rape. Some of the assumptions here are really over the top.


----------



## UAArchangel

@Kgs-95 Are you able to access his facebook page without him knowing?
If he's collecting trophies, he may have his facebook friendship list segregated in such a way that you might see a list of possible victims. If so, you can ask them, without naming him, if he did this to them. Just a general inquiry.


----------



## UAArchangel

Exit37 said:


> No, the woman who gave her the pill is her friend from all the way back to high school. They weren’t “working together” to facilitate OP’s rape. Some of the assumptions here are really over the top.


I don't think what I suggest is over the top. It isn't the first time in history that a man and woman worked together to find a victim and use them. Some of the biggest procurers of sexual slavery have been women, because it's easier to find a victim when the procurer is a woman herself.

What better procurer could there be then a former high school friend?


----------



## Casual Observer

Kgs-95 said:


> The Facebook thing is actually a really good idea and I will bring it up to my husband


Just make sure you’re both prepared for being triggered by both the expected and unexpected. That’s why the lie detector test is important. Your husband needs to believe in you. A dark side of his mind is going to believe the other guy is telling the truth when it varies from your story. You really need your husband believing you, before doing this.


----------



## Exit37

Trdd said:


> I am impressed you've confided in your husband. One observation from your answers to questions here is be careful how you answer questions with your husband. Be truthful but the words you choose may stick with him a very long time. Years.
> 
> I mention this because when you answer questions about the guy who took advantage of you, your responses here do not show a level of disgust or anger with him. I am not saying you are attracted to this guy or were attracted to him. But when you describe him here, it actually reads as on the favorable side. I would suggest avoiding that carefully when you talk to your husband. He'll want you to be negative, not neutral or subtly positive in any way. And if you read what you wrote here in some of the answers, it sometimes is more positive than negative.


I don’t see any of that in her comments. I see someone who is still very confused about what happened And is answering our questions as honestly as she can.


----------



## Livvie

UAArchangel said:


> I am guessing he's arrogant. You were not his first victim. The fact that he knew the dosage to give you to knock you out, but not pose a risk to your life, would be evidence of that.


Omg people are out of their minds making up these stories. Serial rapist, collecting Facebook trophies 🤣!!!! you should write a book, and now you have HIM drugging her (fun fact: her female friend gave her the drug and it's not the first time she has taken drugs of some sort).

Stop. None of this is helpful.


----------



## Megaforce

Anastasia6 said:


> So because you are part of the 10% that do this you find no grace for others. I have to say I'm shocked and disappointed. To each their own. For the grace of god go I....


First rule of any examination: never ask a question if you do not already know the answer.


----------



## UAArchangel

Livvie said:


> Omg people are out of their minds making up these stories. Serial rapist, collecting Facebook trophies 🤣!!!! you should write a book, and now you have HIM drugging her (fun fact: her female friend gave her the drug and it's not the first time she has taken drugs of some sort).
> 
> Stop. None of this is helpful.


I've been corrected on the point about her giving the drug, which leads me to wonder if they were working together. I think I'm within reason, given the facts at hand. What I suggest is not the first time for this sort of thing. Until it is eliminated, it is a possibility.

She gave her a drug, knowing full well that it would knock her out and leave her completely helpless with a strange man in the house.


----------



## ElOtro

Trdd said:


> I am impressed you've confided in your husband. One observation from your answers to questions here is be careful how you answer questions with your husband. Be truthful but the words you choose may stick with him a very long time. Years.
> 
> I mention this because when you answer questions about the guy who took advantage of you, your responses here do not show a level of disgust or anger with him. I am not saying you are attracted to this guy or were attracted to him. But when you describe him here, it actually reads as on the favorable side. I would suggest avoiding that carefully when you talk to your husband. He'll want you to be negative, not neutral or subtly positive in any way. And if you read what you wrote here in some of the answers, it sometimes is more positive than negative.


I was looking for the words to say almost the same.


----------



## ElOtro

Exit37 said:


> I don’t see any of that in her comments. I see someone who is still very confused about what happened And is answering our questions as honestly as she can.


Probably true.
But meaning is not only on what we want to say but by far mainly in the message given.


----------



## Kgs-95

There are things I'm never going to say to my husband like that he isn't ugly


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## ElOtro

Kgs-95 said:


> There are things I'm never going to say to my husband like that he isn't ugly


Not sure if I´m reading it well.
But just perhaps and for the benefit of my scarce English may you word it just a bit more clear?


----------



## HappilyMarried1

Hey @Kgs-95 after reading your OP I have a couple of things I'm not sure of and if you tell your husband he will probably ask as well. You said you were going back home to visit friends and your family that lives there. My question is why would you be renting a house instead of staying with your family. Second was this house all ready rented by you and your husband before he wasn't able to go due to work or did you go and rent it after he was unable to go? Finally, you if you actually feel the way you say in your post that you feel towards your husband you would have had to know that it was not a good idea to invite men back to this house that late after drinking, it doesn't take a Einstein to know that this would not be good or pass the husband test. Best of luck!


----------



## Not

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @Kgs-95 after reading your OP I have a couple of things I'm not sure of and if you tell your husband he will probably ask as well. You said you were going back home to visit friends and your family that lives there. My question is why would you be renting a house instead of staying with your family. Second was this house all ready rented by you and your husband before he wasn't able to go due to work or did you go and rent it after he was unable to go? Finally, you if you actually feel the way you say in your post that you feel towards your husband you would have had to know that it was not a good idea to invite men back to this house that late after drinking, it doesn't take a Einstein to know that this would not be good or pass the husband test. Best of luck!


All of this has been covered. You need to catch up.


----------



## snowbum

ElOtro said:


> Not sure if I´m reading it well.
> But just perhaps and for the benefit of my scarce English may you word it just a bit more clear?


Are you saying if he asks ic you find the guy good looking you’re going to say yes?


----------



## Not

snowbum said:


> Are you saying if he asks ic you find the guy good looking you’re going to say yes?


Seriously? 


Kgs-95 said:


> There are things I'm never going to say to my husband like that he isn't ugly


How are you misreading that so badly?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kgs-95 said:


> The Facebook thing is actually a really good idea and I will bring it up to my husband


Or bring it to law enforcement attn. they may want to check into it more to decide if it was a "drunken hookup" or a sexual assault they are able to pursue. They can monitor the interaction and guy may indicate himself to them. Be used to charge him.


----------



## Kgs-95

If I come across as being too positive about him I don't mean to, but I don't know that much about him. I'm just saying I am not going to volunteer these things to my husband. They are really just first impressions.


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## karmagoround

Kgs-95 said:


> I would go talk to the police if it is something he really feels like is needed, but I think it is a waste of time.


The scumbag might be doing this to other women. The report would be useful in stopping him if that is the case. Are you sure that you weren't targeted? 

You have a friend that tag teams you, gives you a pill, sets you up to be taken advantage of. How do you pick these friends? By who loves hedonistic behavior? For long term happiness, take a good look at yourself and clean up your act. 

I'm an earlier post, you wrote that you and your H do drugs together. Not counting marijuana, are you as a couple actually taking street drugs? 

I'm hoping it's a stretch to think that you're H, the captain of your family, would be okay with you taking a street pill just for kicks, weather he were with you or not. 

If you all are partiers that drink while using other drugs, things will go wrong now and then. If that's the way you want to live, get used to the crazy. Hospitals, jails, morgues. 

I am grateful to be a few years sober. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not missing out.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> There are things I'm never going to say to my husband like that he isn't ugly


You shouldn't offer that without being asked, but if he asks you, I recommend being honest and tell him that you are answering honestly. You can add what you said about your husband in comparison to soften it. One of the main things you want to avoid is breaking trust. Once it's broken, it's very hard to rebuild and can be as bad as the cheating for the relationship. Be careful about lying, even if you think you are doing it to spare his feelings or keep him from getting the wrong idea. You've been brave enough to tell him and be honest. Don't damage what you've build so far.


----------



## Kgs-95

karmagoround said:


> The scumbag might be doing this to other women. The report would be useful in stopping him if that is the case. Are you sure that you weren't targeted?
> 
> You have a friend that tag teams you, gives you a pill, sets you up to be taken advantage of. How do you pick these friends? By who loves hedonistic behavior? For long term happiness, take a good look at yourself and clean up your act.
> 
> I'm an earlier post, you wrote that you and your H do drugs together. Not counting marijuana, are you as a couple actually taking street drugs?
> 
> I'm hoping it's a stretch to think that you're H, the captain of your family, would be okay with you taking a street pill just for kicks, weather he were with you or not.
> 
> If you all are partiers that drink while using other drugs, things will go wrong now and then. If that's the way you want to live, get used to the crazy. Hospitals, jails, morgues.
> 
> I am grateful to be a few years sober. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not missing out.


They are my friends from school that I don't see often. We do coke or Molly a few times a year together and something like what happened wasn't a concern with those drugs and that we are together. He wasn't cool with me taking the pill at all and is really pissed about it. We really don't party a lot and this has been a huge wake up call for me. We aren't addicts and I'm never doing drugs again. I don't see why my friend would set me up or lie about what happened.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> If I come across as being too positive about him I don't mean to, but I don't know that much about him. I'm just saying I am not going to volunteer these things to my husband. They are really just first impressions.


I think a lot of people here are angry at the guy because they believe he took advantage of you while you were impaired or unconscious. I think that's the most likely explanation for what you've described, though I admit I could be wrong. And that may be part of why your husband is angry. People often expect people who may have been wronged to be angry or upset and you've been pretty level-headed and forthright throughout this whole thread. They see a lack of those emotions as indicating something is wrong or fishy about their story. You aren't reacting like some people expect a person in your situation to react. That's OK if you are being honest with us. You shouldn't fake what you think or feel just to get people to believe you.

I think you've tried to own this from the beginning and not blame the guy, your friends, or anyone else for the bad choices that you made leading into that situation. You may be giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that you led him on or otherwise made him think it was OK to have sex with you, even though you can't remember it. If you went to the police or this went to trial, the law presumes innocence, too. And I think you've tried to answer questions honestly and not emotionally, which some people wouldn't be able to manage. I think all of that is understandable. Several people have said that you are doing a lot better than a lot of other people do in similar circumstance, and maybe what's odd for people is that you are doing so well.

If that guy took advantage of you while you were impaired or unconscious, then you were sexually assaulted and your bad choices don't make that OK. So what some of us have been suggesting is to consider that maybe he isn't such a nice guy, deliberately did things with you that he shouldn't have done, and what he did with you may be criminal. Being cautious is good and maybe you shouldn't automatically assume he's guilty, either, but if you or your husband deal with him anymore, don't assume he's a good person who will be honest with you about what happened. If that doesn't make you angry and that's not the type of person you are, then be yourself and that's OK.


----------



## Cynthia

snowbum said:


> The fact you stayed in his room for hours is weird. Are you sure you’re not covering up something? Like he’s an ex your husband didn’t know about? If my husband said “ I blacked out, banged a chick. Slept in her bed and stayed in her room” he’d never converse with me again


It's like you haven't read this thread. It was HER ROOM. She woke up to use the bathroom and found a man in HER BED.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

I think you need a whole new set of friends — non-druggy ones so there’s no temptation.


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## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I don't see why my friend would set me up or lie about what happened.


What raised suspicion for me was that the guy came along with your friend, your friend gave you the pill, your friend put you in bed, and your friends checked in but didn't keep an eye on you or protect you. The guy and your friends live in the same town and they could have a deeper relationship you weren't aware of. But you know your friends and what happened better than I do or anyone else here does. If that sounds crazy to you, then maybe it is and isn't what happened. We don't know your friend as well as you do so sometimes we're going to assume far worse than you think is reasonable.


----------



## Kgs-95

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think a lot of people here are angry at the guy because they believe he took advantage of you while you were impaired or unconscious. I think that's the most likely explanation for what you've described, though I admit I could be wrong. And that may be part of why your husband is angry. People often expect people who may have been wronged to be angry or upset and you've been pretty level-headed and forthright throughout this whole thread. They see a lack of those emotions as indicating something is wrong or fishy about their story. You aren't reacting like some people expect a person in your situation to react. That's OK if you are being honest with us. You shouldn't fake what you think or feel just to get people to believe you.
> 
> I think you've tried to own this from the beginning and not blame the guy, your friends, or anyone else for the bad choices that you made leading into that situation. You may be giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that you led him on or otherwise made him think it was OK to have sex with you, even though you can't remember it. If you went to the police or this went to trial, the law presumes innocence, too. And I think you've tried to answer questions honestly and not emotionally, which some people wouldn't be able to manage. I think all of that is understandable. Several people have said that you are doing a lot better than a lot of other people do in similar circumstance, and maybe what's odd for poepe is that you are doing so well.
> 
> If that guy took advantage of you while you were impaired or unconscious, then you were sexually assaulted and your bad choices don't make that OK. So what some of us have been suggesting is to consider that maybe he isn't such a nice guy, deliberately did things with you that he shouldn't have done, and what he did with you may be criminal. Being cautious is good and maybe you shouldn't automatically assume he's guilty, either, but if you or your husband deal with him anymore, don't assume he's a good person who will be honest with you about what happened. If that doesn't make you angry and that's not the type of person you are, then be yourself and that's OK.


I have been really upset irl. I have maybe destroyed my life. On an advice forum asking for advice I'm not even sure how to convey that over text. I have went through every negative emotion over and over. I'm going to try to talk to my friends more and see if there is anything they can tell me and talk to my husband about if he wants to do the police thing


----------



## Kgs-95

Openminded said:


> I think you need a whole new set of friends — non-druggy ones so there’s no temptation.


I'm not hanging out with them anymore


----------



## Cynthia

BigDaddyNY said:


> How could he trust her right now? She slept with another man.


Being raped is not having sex with someone. The word "having" implies participation. Whether you believe it or not, the OP was incapacitated when sex occurred, therefore, she was raped.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## UAArchangel

Cynthia said:


> Being raped is not having sex with someone. The word "having" implies participation. Whether you believe it or not, the OP was incapacitated when sex occurred, therefore, she was raped.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Until the husband as ascertained all the needed facts, he's not going to necessarily believe everything she says about the experience. On some level, in his mind until he has all facts, he will think that it was a willing act. Even then, it's going to take time for it to become part of him that she was a willing partner in her experience.


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## Cynthia

Kgs-95 said:


> He seemed smart, was polite and nice when I talked to him. Outgoing.


Apparently, Ted Bundy did too. That's how he was able to charm his victims.

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## Openminded

Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not hanging out with them anymore


I think that’s a wise decision. High school friends (and often college friends) don’t always transition well into your adult life. Several of mine didn’t.


----------



## Not

UAArchangel said:


> Until the husband as ascertained all the needed facts, he's not going to necessarily believe everything she says about the experience. On some level, in his mind until he has all facts, he will think that it was a willing act. Even then, it's going to take time for it to become part of him that she was a willing partner in her experience.


Or maybe he knows her well enough to recognize when she’s acting traumatized and humiliated. We don’t know what he’s thinking but it could very well be that he KNOWS his wife was violated. We don’t know anything.


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## Casual Observer

Cynthia said:


> It's like you haven't read this thread. It was HER ROOM. She woke up to use the bathroom and found a man in HER BED.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


In fairness it does get a bit confusing because they’re married but I think this is a separate place she rents? Because otherwise she’d be having sex in their marital bed and that hasn’t come up and is a whole ‘nother can of worms. Now I gotta go read the original post again and make sure I have this right.


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## Kgs-95

I'm sure it is hard to follow with all of these comments. This place was an airbnb rental.


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## Cynthia

Casual Observer said:


> In fairness it does get a bit confusing because they’re married but I think this is a separate place she rents? Because otherwise she’d be having sex in their marital bed and that hasn’t come up and is a whole ‘nother can of worms. Now I gotta go read the original post again and make sure I have this right.


It might help if you go back through the thread and read only her comments. I've found that helpful when I get confused in a thread. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer

Cynthia said:


> It might help if you go back through the thread and read only her comments. I've found that helpful when I get confused in a thread.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


You and I are on the same page.


----------



## Megaforce

Cynthia said:


> Being raped is not having sex with someone. The word "having" implies participation. Whether you believe it or not, the OP was incapacitated when sex occurred, therefore, she was raped.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


We do not know this.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been really upset irl. I have maybe destroyed my life. On an advice forum asking for advice I'm not even sure how to convey that over text. I have went through every negative emotion over and over.


You aren't doing anything wrong. I was just trying to explain why other people might be reading you incorrectly so you can understand it. I'm not suggesting you fix anything. Occasionally mentioning how you feel alike this and how you are doing emotionally might help people understand what you are feeling better if you want people to understand that aspect of this so they can understand you better and maybe give you advice about it.

You've done great so far. You asked for advice and followed it without complaining or making excuses. You've owned what happened instead of trying to blame others. You've acknowledged you made mistakes. You were brave and told your husband the truth about what happened, even though you knew it was going to be horrible. You want to support and help your husband. You've said you are going to take corrective actions by stopping the drugs, not drinking if your husband isn't around, not hanging out with those friends anymore, etc. That's dealing with it far better than many in similar circumstances. But even if you do your best, there are going to be things outside your control and your husband is going to decide if you stay together or not. Be sure to express gratitude for him staying with you so far.

Really, other than inventing a time machine to undo your bad choices, I can't think of anything big that you could have done better except telling your husband sooner and not having sex with him. Not telling him sooner is understandable giving your fears and you realized you made a mistake about the sex when it was pointed out to you. I didn't cross your mind because it wasn't something you'd ever had to think about before. It may also have helped if you'd had a rape exam immediately afterward, if it was sexual assault, but it's understandable that you didn't given your confusion and uncertainty about what happened. It's always easy to spot things you could have done better looking backwards in time.



Kgs-95 said:


> I'm going to try to talk to my friends more and see if there is anything they can tell me and talk to my husband about if he wants to do the police thing


Be careful what you talk to your friends about if you think you might talk to the police. They might talk to the guy and that may influence what he says or does. If you do talk to your friends, you should make sure they aren't talking to the guy and others who might talk to him. If you do decide to talk to the police, you may want to talk to a lawyer, first, and mention the illegal drug use so you don't accidentally incriminate yourself or your friends in something illegal. A lawyer should be able to advise you about that and may give you advice about what to expect if you go to the police before going.


----------



## jsmart

QuestionAssumptions said:


> *What raised suspicion for me was that the guy came along with your friend, your friend gave you the pill, your friend put you in bed, and your friends checked in but didn't keep an eye on you or protect you. *The guy and your friends live in the same town and they could have a deeper relationship you weren't aware of. But you know your friends and what happened better than I do or anyone else here does. If that sounds crazy to you, then maybe it is and isn't what happened. We don't know your friend as well as you do so sometimes we're going to assume far worse than you think is reasonable.


This guy, that she barely knew tagging along in what was supposed to be a visit to her hometown, doesn’t sit well with me. Why would her friend bring a guy that she barely knew to hang with her? OP said she assumed that her friend was dating the guy. Since that was not the case, this guy shouldn’t have been there. He DEFINITELY shouldn’t have been staying the night. 

From Everything that she has revealed, to me it was an assault. I’m usually very leery of that cry from women but in this case, the revealed info points to that. But I also have concerns about this friend that brought this guy also being the one who gave her the pill and also the one who put her to bed and later checked on her. My spidey senses are going off about her friend. She should be careful about what she reveals to her about her plans. I would not assume that her friend has her back.


----------



## Kgs-95

jsmart said:


> This guy, that she barely knew tagging along in what was supposed to be a visit to her hometown, doesn’t sit well with me. Why would her friend bring a guy that she barely knew to hang with her? OP said she assumed that her friend was dating the guy. Since that was not the case, this guy shouldn’t have been there. He DEFINITELY shouldn’t have been staying the night.
> 
> From Everything that she has revealed, to me it was an assault. I’m usually very leery of that cry from women but in this case, the revealed info points to that. But I also have concerns about this friend that brought this guy also being the one who gave her the pill and also the one who put her to bed and later checked on her. My spidey senses are going off about her friend. She should be careful about what she reveals to her about her plans. I would not assume that her friend has her back.


I told that friend not to bring up anything to the guy yet, but I'm sure they have talked. She has also talked to my husband. I'm going to find out what was said tomorrow and see if she has talked to the guy about this since I talked to her last it anything else she might remember


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

jsmart said:


> This guy, that she barely knew tagging along in what was supposed to be a visit to her hometown, doesn’t sit well with me. Why would her friend bring a guy that she barely knew to hang with her? OP said she assumed that her friend was dating the guy. Since that was not the case, this guy shouldn’t have been there. He DEFINITELY shouldn’t have been staying the night.


I agree that she was way too trusting and his behavior is suspicious, but the OP said that there was another guy there, too, and he left, so it's less suspicious than if he'd been the only guy there at the house. The question is why her friends didn't keep a closer watch on her or him given her circumstances. A (woman) friend should have stayed in the room with her.

A lot seems off about the guy, situation, and friends but the OP doesn't seem to believe a lot of this was abnormal or concerning, so it's hard to tell if it's just a different subculture with different expectations and behavior than I'm used to.

@Kgs-95 did anything you remember about how your friends behaved or the guy behaved that night, going back to before you went to the house, seem unusual or "off" to you back then or does any of does any of it seem unusual or "off" now? Did anything make you feel nervous or worried about any of them. Can you remember any comments that any of them made that seemed strange to you then or now? Did you have any hesitation about taking the drug?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Kgs-95 said:


> I told that friend not to bring up anything to the guy yet, but I'm sure they have talked. She has also talked to my husband. I'm going to find out what was said tomorrow and see if she has talked to the guy about this since I talked to her last it anything else she might remember


Part of why your husband may have talked to your friends was to corroborate your story about what happened and if he was pissed off about the drug, he may have yelled at them about that, too. Encourage them to be fully truthful when they talk to him. If you talk to them and ask about their conversation with your husband, make sure your husband doesn't think you are gong behind his back talking to them to influence what they tell him. Make sure he knows you plan on talking to them and why and let him listen to your conversation if he wants to.


----------



## UAArchangel

Kgs-95 said:


> I told that friend not to bring up anything to the guy yet, but I'm sure they have talked. She has also talked to my husband. I'm going to find out what was said tomorrow and see if she has talked to the guy about this since I talked to her last it anything else she might remember


If he admitted to her what he did, that becomes testimony.


----------



## jsmart

Kgs-95 said:


> I told that friend not to bring up anything to the guy yet, but I'm sure they have talked. She has also talked to my husband. I'm going to find out what was said tomorrow and see if she has talked to the guy about this since I talked to her last it anything else she might remember


Doesn’t your friend no the additional details of you Waking up naked, vaginally sore, and still very groggy? If so, what does she say? Wouldn’t she have thought that you were assaulted. She knew how out of it your were when she put in your bed and also that you were out when she checked on you later in the night; so how can she not have immediately question her friend? I’m curious if she talked about how he’s not like that or plant the your probably forgot accepting his advances seeds in your head. 

I know there was another guy there, who properly left. Why was that guy there? Was he a friend of yours or there with a female friend? That this guy was not really your friend, why wouldn’t your friend make sure she kept tags on his sleeping arrangements? This guy shouldn’t have felt comfortable to be roaming around the house.


----------



## snowbum

I’m confused about doing drugs with people you weren’t really friendly with but had been in the past. Also if you are t seeing them anymore are you sure they’re on the up and up with you and your husband?


----------



## In Absentia

snowbum said:


> I’m confused about doing drugs with people you weren’t really friendly with but had been in the past. Also if you are t seeing them anymore are you sure they’re on the up and up with you and your husband?


They were friends from school she doesn't see often. She used to do drugs with them occasionally.


----------



## UAArchangel

In Absentia said:


> They were friends from school she doesn't see often. She used to do drugs with them occasionally.


I've learned over the years that drug users cannot be trusted to not do things you never thought they would do. Almost all crime in society will have drugs involved somewhere from the begininng of a crime to the end.


----------



## Diana7

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If that's the case, then I think she should at least talk to the police to see if the guy has been reported before and to ask the police if they think a crime was committed it's worth pressing charges at this point. Whether or not to actually press charges would be a decision that she could still make after that with her husband.


She has said that her husband hasn't requested that and she doesn't want to. I think we need to leave it to them.


----------



## Diana7

karmagoround said:


> The scumbag might be doing this to other women. The report would be useful in stopping him if that is the case. Are you sure that you weren't targeted?
> 
> You have a friend that tag teams you, gives you a pill, sets you up to be taken advantage of. How do you pick these friends? By who loves hedonistic behavior? For long term happiness, take a good look at yourself and clean up your act.
> 
> I'm an earlier post, you wrote that you and your H do drugs together. Not counting marijuana, are you as a couple actually taking street drugs?
> 
> I'm hoping it's a stretch to think that you're H, the captain of your family, would be okay with you taking a street pill just for kicks, weather he were with you or not.
> 
> If you all are partiers that drink while using other drugs, things will go wrong now and then. If that's the way you want to live, get used to the crazy. Hospitals, jails, morgues.
> 
> I am grateful to be a few years sober. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not missing out.


Weed can be just as bad so please done excuse taking i as if its nothing.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Diana7 said:


> She has said that her husband hasn't requested that and she doesn't want to. I think we need to leave it to them.


Her latest comment on that was, "_I'm going to try to talk to my friends more and see if there is anything they can tell me and talk to my husband about if he wants to do the police thing._" If they decide they don't want to go that route, that's their choice and OK but I do think she should talk to her husband about it.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kgs-95 said:


> How do you go about getting a polygraph?


would hypnosis be a help to you , at this stage if you husband does not trust you i think you can do all the polygraphs in the world


----------



## Diana7

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Her latest comment on that was, "_I'm going to try to talk to my friends more and see if there is anything they can tell me and talk to my husband about if he wants to do the police thing._" If they decide they don't want to go that route, that's their choice and OK but I do think she should talk to her husband about it.


The chances of her getting any sort of prosecution are almost nil. Had she reported it immediately at least there would be some physical evidence. In the end it's one word against another..


----------



## DosEquis

Thanks for all of the updates Kgs-95. It has to be very difficult recounting this over and over with more depth and detail than before.



Kgs-95 said:


> this has been a huge wake up call for me


I affirm this, also this...



Kgs-95 said:


> I'm not hanging out with them anymore


And this...



Kgs-95 said:


> We aren't addicts and I'm never doing drugs again.





Kgs-95 said:


> I have maybe destroyed my life. On an advice forum asking for advice I'm not even sure how to convey that over text. I have went through every negative emotion over and over. I'm going to try to talk to my friends more and see if there is anything they can tell me and talk to my husband about if he wants to do the police thing


I want to speak to this a minute as both an encouragement and a caution. I understand the feelings that you may have ruined your life, *but*, in a very real way, this may have saved your life. As horrific as your current circumstances are, there are worse things. I had a friend that did something similar and *died. *Doctor said that the mix of alcohol and the drug she took (pill), stopped her heart. By the time her thoroughly wasted "friends" discovered her, she was long gone. Reminder...you are alive and kicking. This is a terrible mess, but it *will *pass and you now have the opportunity to make a fresh start. May I make a suggestion? Journal all of this. All of it. Especially how you are feeling right now. Let it be a note to your future self as to the pivotal decisions you made in the midst of your personal hell. I also want to encourage you to seek therapy of you havent already. A good trauma therapist can both help you process and give you tools to use for future triggers. I am concerned by this comment, "I have went through every negative emotion over and over," that you are spiraling. Get help. Please.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kgs-95 said:


> I told that friend not to bring up anything to the guy yet, but I'm sure they have talked. She has also talked to my husband. I'm going to find out what was said tomorrow and see if she has talked to the guy about this since I talked to her last it anything else she might remember


you have to try to keep your husband from getting in contact with this man , no good will come of it and it could end up making things worse , 
you have to try to put you life no a new track 
as you life today is like a box of chocolates that have been left too near the heat the sweets are the same but they melted and some look a bit different 
your marriage is going to be like the box of sweets even if you get to rebuild trust it will never be the same trust


----------



## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> The chances of her getting any sort of prosecution are almost nil. Had she reported it immediately at least there would be some physical evidence. In the end it's one word against another..


true but the husband out of some type of vengeance might push her to make a police report and she out of trying to do the most to rebuild trust lost will go along with it even though it is not a good idea,
sometimes it is best to put it down to experience , and look at what brought her to where she ended up , 

he was like a drunk driver , she was like a drunk driver with drugs, both were wrong and to add into the mix her friends are like if you run with dogs one day there will be a kill and you give the rest of life paying


----------



## sideways

Kgs given how you've described everything is this a possibility?

You and your husband rented the home for this trip. He then wasn't able to attend so you went by yourself. You went out with friends and you drank a lot but you also took a pill. You don't remember flirting with this other guy but that doesn't mean that at some point you may have (after the pill kicked in).

Your friend eventually puts you to bed. She even checks in on you at some point. So this other guy eventually comes down stairs and gets in bed with you. He's into you. He doesn't care if you're married. He thought you might be into him as well and he wanted to find out. It's pitch dark in the room. He makes the first move by kissing you. You're F'd up but in your mind you're thinking that this guy kissing you is your husband. I mean who else would be kissing you but your husband. So you start kissing him back so this other guy thinks you're into him and not saying no. Maybe even at that point you become the aggressor? Who's to say. However clothes are starting to come off and the two of you have sex and again the entire time (in your mind) you thought you were with your husband and thus why you were a willing participant.

This other guy thought you were into him while you were having sex (he was drinking and maybe he took a pill as well). At no point did you shut things down. So the sex ends and the two of you fall to sleep. You wake up later on and you're naked and this guy is next to you. You ask him if the two of you had sex and he confirms it. You didn't freak out on him at all (you went to the couch).

So maybe that's why he eventually sent you a FB request because in his mind he thought you were in to him (the two of you had sex) and you didn't go off on him in the morning even though you were foggy on what happened.

Not getting into the wrong or right on what happened but just a possibility of how things may have played out. Thoughts?


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Diana7 said:


> The chances of her getting any sort of prosecution are almost nil. Had she reported it immediately at least there would be some physical evidence. In the end it's one word against another..


She has witnesses. We've extensively discussed the pros and cons of reporting in this thread, including the challenges of getting the guy charged, prosecuted, and convicted, so she should have a pretty good idea of what that entails now.

There may be other benefits to reporting this to the police that don't require him being charged or prosecuted, including helping frame what happened to her better, demonstrate that she's confident enough in what she's told him to report it to the police, helping her husband understand what happened to her by discussing it with police, and giving her husband a legal avenue to vent his anger and seek revenge against the guy even if it goes nowhere. They should discuss it and do what they think is best but, you are right, they shouldn't expect too much from it.

At worst, as long as the police don't go after the drug element of the story, is that she reports it to the police and the police take her statement and tell her that they can't do anything about it. Cost? Some wasted time.


----------



## frenchpaddy

QuestionAssumptions said:


> At worst, as long as the police don't go after the drug element of the story, is that she reports it to the police and the police take her statement and tell her that they can't do anything about it. Cost? Some wasted time.


what would be wrong with letting the chips fall where they may , if she was to go to the police , if the guy is not done for rape it is still on his record would stop the same happing to other women , if their friend that slipped her the pill gets done for it well it might show her not to push drugs on people and think there is no comeback 

I have nothing against the police asking where she got the drugs even if where she lives if they end up on police record as drug user or drug dealer, 
as long as it is not just to shift blame more than 50 % of what happened was from her lifestyle , 
I am not saying a girl with a short skirt is giving consent or am I saying a woman on drugs is able give consent 

worst is she does not know what happened and it is a question if her friends played her , 
there are so many turns that co be , best thing is to look at home for what can be fixed 
instead of shifting blame or a part of it


----------



## Jimi007

sideways said:


> Kgs given how you've described everything is this a possibility?
> 
> You and your husband rented the home for this trip. He then wasn't able to attend so you went by yourself. You went out with friends and you drank a lot but you also took a pill. You don't remember flirting with this other guy but that doesn't mean that at some point you may have (after the pill kicked in).
> 
> Your friend eventually puts you to bed. She even checks in on you at some point. So this other guy eventually comes down stairs and gets in bed with you. He's into you. He doesn't care if you're married. He thought you might be into him as well and he wanted to find out. It's pitch dark in the room. He makes the first move by kissing you. You're F'd up but in your mind you're thinking that this guy kissing you is your husband. I mean who else would be kissing you but your husband. So you start kissing him back so this other guy thinks you're into him and not saying no. Maybe even at that point you become the aggressor? Who's to say. However clothes are starting to come off and the two of you have sex and again the entire time (in your mind) you thought you were with your husband and thus why you were a willing participant.
> 
> This other guy thought you were into him while you were having sex (he was drinking and maybe he took a pill as well). At no point did you shut things down. So the sex ends and the two of you fall to sleep. You wake up later on and you're naked and this guy is next to you. You ask him if the two of you had sex and he confirms it. You didn't freak out on him at all (you went to the couch).
> 
> So maybe that's why he eventually sent you a FB request because in his mind he thought you were in to him (the two of you had sex) and you didn't go off on him in the morning even though you were foggy on what happened.
> 
> Not getting into the wrong or right on what happened but just a possibility of how things may have played out. Thoughts?


This is very plausible...I have seen similar happen at parties in my youth. 

She didn't go off on him when she woke up because she was still F'ed up and moved to the couch to sleep more of it off.

Very telling , her clothes were on the bedroom floor and some in the bed. Tells me they were on until someone else took them off for her.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Cynthia said:


> Being raped is not having sex with someone. The word "having" implies participation. Whether you believe it or not, the OP was incapacitated when sex occurred, therefore, she was raped.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


That may have not been the best choice of words. I'm one of those here that tend to believe this actually is a rape, or at the least a very predatory act taking advantage of the situation. 

The point I was making is his trust in her has been broken. She herself hasn't gone too hard into claiming this was a rape here on TAM, so I assume she did the same with her husband. That means from his point of view she made stupid choices that resulted in her waking up in bed with another man. His trust was broken from her taking drugs as well. And from drinking out of control. Also, she waited weeks to tell him. That is what I was getting at. 

This whole story hurts me to the core because it is hard for me not to put myself in the shoes of her husband. His emotions must be making his head explode. This situation is so complicated. He's had the whole kitchen sink thrown at him at once. He's pissed at his wife for ending up in bed with another man, taking drugs and getting totally **** faced with some people present that she barely knows. I can't even imagine the anger I would feel towards her for putting herself in that kind of dangerous situation. While at the same time the love for her puts him in protector mode and he feels like a failure. I bet he is really kicking himself for not going or not talking her into staying home with him. The worst case scenario that you never think can happen, happened. He's also got feelings of wanting to crush the man that did this to her. All this is going on while in the back of his mind he has to be questioning the accuracy of her story since she had weeks to refine her story. It is a totally ****ed up situation. 

I hope it can be worked out for both OP and her husband. My opinion has swung around a lot throughout this thread, but I've come to think that she really didn't have any intention of cheating, not even in the form of a spur of the moment choice to just go ahead with a ONS. Maybe it doesn't fully fit the definition of rape, but from what I personally have experience with the hydromorphone I doubt she could have been an active participant in sex after taking one for the first time and having many alcoholic beverages as well. She had to be helped to bed by her friends and I'm sure she had to be helped out of her clothes by the guy.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Openminded said:


> I think that’s a wise decision. High school friends (and often college friends) don’t always transition well into your adult life. Several of mine didn’t.


We left our home town after getting married for the main purpose of putting distance between us and high school friends that were not going to help our marriage.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

sideways said:


> Kgs given how you've described everything is this a possibility?
> 
> You and your husband rented the home for this trip. He then wasn't able to attend so you went by yourself. You went out with friends and you drank a lot but you also took a pill. You don't remember flirting with this other guy but that doesn't mean that at some point you may have (after the pill kicked in).
> 
> Your friend eventually puts you to bed. She even checks in on you at some point. So this other guy eventually comes down stairs and gets in bed with you. He's into you. He doesn't care if you're married. He thought you might be into him as well and he wanted to find out. It's pitch dark in the room. He makes the first move by kissing you. You're F'd up but in your mind you're thinking that this guy kissing you is your husband. I mean who else would be kissing you but your husband. So you start kissing him back so this other guy thinks you're into him and not saying no. Maybe even at that point you become the aggressor? Who's to say. However clothes are starting to come off and the two of you have sex and again the entire time (in your mind) you thought you were with your husband and thus why you were a willing participant.
> 
> This other guy thought you were into him while you were having sex (he was drinking and maybe he took a pill as well). At no point did you shut things down. So the sex ends and the two of you fall to sleep. You wake up later on and you're naked and this guy is next to you. You ask him if the two of you had sex and he confirms it. You didn't freak out on him at all (you went to the couch).
> 
> So maybe that's why he eventually sent you a FB request because in his mind he thought you were in to him (the two of you had sex) and you didn't go off on him in the morning even though you were foggy on what happened.
> 
> Not getting into the wrong or right on what happened but just a possibility of how things may have played out. Thoughts?


I suggested the same. Could she have thought the guy was her husband in her delirious state? She won't be able to answer that though since she has said she blacked out prior to being put to bed and didn't regain her faculties until she woke up naked at 5am.


----------



## Captain Obvious

BigDaddyNY said:


> I suggested the same. Could she have thought the guy was her husband in her delirious state? She won't be able to answer that though since she has said she blacked out prior to being put to bed and didn't regain her faculties until she woke up naked at 5am.


I think it’s the most plausible scenario. Creep probably knew her husbands name from talking to her and everybody else that night. All he had to do is say “it’s Mr OP,” in her drug and alcohol fueled state, she wouldn’t have known otherwise.


----------



## In Absentia

BigDaddyNY said:


> That may have not been the best choice of words. I'm one of those here that tend to believe this actually is a rape, or at the least a very predatory act taking advantage of the situation.


I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

In Absentia said:


> I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


Well, if he did rape or take advantage of a nearly incapacitated woman do you think he would make good, sane choices about anything else?


----------



## frenchpaddy

In Absentia said:


> I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


it could be because he was partly out of it with drink he might have had a half of a pill as the friend told her after she should have had only half , he could be doing that to cover up any idea that it was any other than two consenting adults even though i think no one can consent under that amount of drink and drugs ,


----------



## CraigBesuden

We all know what they say when it comes to drunk driving: “You might have been drunk and didn’t choose to drive, but you chose to drink the alcohol so it’s your fault.”

That is an exception to the rule. When it comes to sex, if you were obliterated from alcohol and a pill and a man got into your bed, you are not responsible for it. You did not consent — even if it wasn’t forced. You might not have known that it wasn’t your husband. Heck, you might have been unconscious the entire time.

I don’t know how your husband will react. But assuming that what you and your friends are saying is true, you are a crime victim and not a cheating wife.

The majority on TAM are opposed to cheaters ever not telling the spouse about an indiscretion. I don’t agree. And if there were ever an exception, this would be it.

But dang, he should support you. If he believes the facts as you’ve presented them, I cannot imagine his friends and family concluding that divorce is an acceptable response and supporting that choice. He would look like a total heel.

Of course, he could disbelieve you and your friends and believe that everything you are saying is a lie. But a conspiracy to make this up and tell him about the sexual encounter would be insane. So much easier for you to sleep with the guy and you and your friends all agree that nothing happened, right?


----------



## frenchpaddy

for all we know her friend could have planed this with him who was all so her friend , we will never know


----------



## BigDaddyNY

frenchpaddy said:


> for all we know her friend could have planed this with him who was all so her friend , we will never know


I find that a little too conspiratorial, but who knows


----------



## frenchpaddy

CraigBesuden said:


> We all know what they say when it comes ti drunk driving: “You might have been drunk and didn’t choose to drive, but you chose to drink the alcohol so it’s your fault.”


and she is not saying that she is not partly to blame , 
i think she excepts the mistakes were bad and knows she might have to pay for them for the rest of her life , 
What I hope does not happen is that the husband uses this as a whipping block to get her to do things for ever more , 
it will affect them both for a long time and might for as long as they live , every time he has sex he might think of him , every time she has sex she might be affected by what she does not know happened 

it is one of these things that carries a higher price that what any of them thought a bit like a couple that has a threesome and finds out after it was not what they expected and ended the relationship


----------



## Captain Obvious

In Absentia said:


> I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


He thinks what he did is totally fine, he’s not upset over it.


----------



## frenchpaddy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I find that a little too conspiratorial, but who knows


I agree and I hope so but Some times our friends like to pull others down if they look to have the perfect life


----------



## CraigBesuden

In Absentia said:


> I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


I disagree. My SIL was in her early 20s and a coworker invited her over to his house as a friend. (I know… she was young and naive.) He must have roofied her drink. Later, she confronted him and he said it was consensual, she wasn’t drunk and she was totally into it. She didn’t believe him but never reported it to her employer or the police.

What the guy did here was smart. He’s making her believe that he’s a good guy, she was a willing participant, and therefore it was not a rape.

*Yes, his behavior was odd for a rapist. That’s the whole point — reasonable doubt in the minds of the victim, the police, the prosecutors and the jury.*

(Even better is if the woman has consensual sex with him again the next morning. Now it’s even blurrier.)


----------



## In Absentia

CraigBesuden said:


> What the guy did here was smart. He’s making her believe that she was a willing participant and therefore it was not a rape.


Yes, I said this before too. At then end of the day, it's his word against hers.


----------



## In Absentia

Captain Obvious said:


> He thinks what he did is totally fine, he’s not upset over it.


This is very possible too.


----------



## CraigBesuden

Diana7 said:


> The chances of her getting any sort of prosecution are almost nil. Had she reported it immediately at least there would be some physical evidence. In the end it's one word against another..


I disagree.

The sex was unforced, so the only point of the physical evidence would be to prove that sex occurred.

If the guy was friendly afterward and wanted to join as a FB friend, I doubt he will deny that they had sex. His argument will be that it was consensual.

If she and her friends all testify that she drank heavily and took a pill and was completely trashed, and she went to bed alone and checked on her numerous times out of concern for how blitzed she was and she was alone each time they checked…. and he agrees they had sex and she was totally sober… he may have some legal trouble on his hands.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

frenchpaddy said:


> you have to try to keep your husband from getting in contact with this man , no good will come of it and it could end up making things worse ,


 If she tries ANYTHING to dissuade her husband from talking to or contacting the perpetrator it will be perceived 100% by the husband as @Kgs-95 trying to protect the perp and obfuscate the truth.
She should do nothing of the nature ... nothing.


----------



## oldshirt

I'm still a bit confused about the role of "Friend." So she brings a guy along on their party night. OP thought that Guy and Friend were dating. They all drink and party and whoop it up. 

OP says Guy is attractive and they make social small talk but OP says she and Guy were not flirting and that no one made any c'mons or sexual overtures or anything. 

Get back to the house where partying continues and drugs are taken. OP gets hit pretty hard by the drugs and per her statement is 'out of it" but remember Friend directing her bed. 

Then at some point during the night, Guy comes into OP's bedroom, has sex with her, with or without her consent and/or participation and remains in her bed until they wake up, she goes to the bathroom then goes back to sleep on the couch. 

At some point asks Guy if they had sex, he confirms and they just kind of chat about it , she asks Friend about the dude she was presumably dating about him and her having sex, Friend says she doesn't know anything about that, and then they all presumably have some kind of breakfast, pick up the place, bid their farewells and go about their business. 

Then now two weeks later, OP is in crisis, told her H about it. And now H calls and talks to Friend. But we don't know the contents of that conversation yet. 

So here's where I am confused. Shouldn't Friend be pissed?? Shouldn't Friend have some skin in this game?

Because one of two things happened here -

- Some guy she was presumably dating and may have slept with herself that night, got out of her bed and went downstairs and climbed into bed with the OP. Shouldn't that cause her to not only be pissed at the Guy but also pissed at the OP herself?????

- But, if she was not involved with the guy and was not getting with him herself, shouldn't she be enraged with righteous indignation that some guy she brought along basically sexually assaulted one of her old friends, and shouldn't she be throwing herself at the OP's in appology for exposing her to a sexual predator and for endangering her very life by having her mix drugs and alcohol?

I mean at this time, this Friend should either be somewhat pissed at both the OP and the Guy for them having sex together at all. 

Or the Friend should be enraged at the guy and doing everything in her humanly power to assist the OP in getting the guy tarred and feathered and ran out of town. 

I think the friend here is kind of a smelly rat that encourages the OP to take substances that could have easily killed her and the brings along some dude that basically rapes her under everyone's nose, but yet none of them seem to be doing any kind of action one way or another. 

It kind of leads me to believe that these are all a bunch of druggies and denizens of the underworld where drug induced blackouts and sexual improprieties and personal chaos and drama are just another Saturday Night.


----------



## Diana7

CraigBesuden said:


> I disagree.
> 
> The sex was unforced, so the only point of the physical evidence would be to prove that sex occurred.
> 
> If the guy was friendly afterward and wanted to join as a FB friend, I doubt he will deny that they had sex. His argument will be that it was consensual.
> 
> If she and her friends all testify that she drank heavily and took a pill and was completely trashed, and she went to bed alone and checked on her numerous times out of concern for how blitzed she was and she was alone each time they checked…. and he agrees they had sex and she was totally sober… he may have some legal trouble on his hands.


The percentage of rapes that result in a conviction are very small. This case will almost certainly be one of those where there is not enough evidence to even prosecute. .


----------



## snowbum

I think this common with many people. If she took the pill he didn’t drug her. It’s unfortunate so many questionable choices were made. I think insisting this wax a rape when the op doesn’t want to pursue that is pointless. I also think asking other druggies for info is pointless. She told her husband she had black out sex. It’s for him to come to terms with. Drugs aren’t known for great decisions or outcomes.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Rubix Cubed said:


> If she tries ANYTHING to dissuade her husband from talking to or contacting the perpetrator it will be perceived 100% by the husband as @Kgs-95 trying to protect the perp and obfuscate the truth.
> She should do nothing of the nature ... nothing.


I know your thinking but I am coming at it from the point of if I was her husband I would go to talk to him and I would get so hot I would end up hitting him


----------



## oldshirt

CraigBesuden said:


> I disagree.
> 
> The sex was unforced, so the only point of the physical evidence would be to prove that sex occurred.
> 
> If the guy was friendly afterward and wanted to join as a FB friend, I doubt he will deny that they had sex. His argument will be that it was consensual.
> 
> If she and her friends all testify that she drank heavily and took a pill and was completely trashed, and she went to bed alone and checked on her numerous times out of concern for how blitzed she was and she was alone each time they checked…. and he agrees they had sex and she was totally sober… he may have some legal trouble on his hands.


Technically some truth here. 

Criminally this is all very nuanced and murky. 

In days of yore, for any kind of conviction of sexual assault, it would have to be shown beyond reasonable doubt that sex was non consensual, and that it occured with force or reasonable threat of force or bodily harm. For an actual criminal conviction to occur, the victim would basically have to have documented injuries and somehow show that she had actively tried to resist and escape. The rapist would also pretty have to have documentable defensive injuries on him as well. 

In recent times, now impaired consent has begun to come under the umbrella of sexual assault. We all need to keep in mind that terms like sexual assault and rape etc are legal terms and that there are varying degrees of assault and specific criteria must be met in order for it be 1st degree vs 2nd degree etc etc 

So "CAN" the guy have a complaint filed against him and he be investigated and have to hire an attorney and can the police round up all the people at the party to get their statements etc etc -

- yes absolutely. 

And depending on all their statements and how their stories all line up, he may even find himself charged with some degree of assault and be arrested and brought in for finger printing and pictures of his dong and pubic hair samples yanked out and his body stripped down and inspected for scratches and defensive wounds etc. 

But, in order for things to move forward and a district attorney to commit to moving forward with the case and actually prosecuting it, there would need to be some pretty convincing witness testimony other than the OP saying saying she remembers drinking and taking drugs and remembers feeling out of it and then waking up in the morning with a dude in her bed and a cooter full of spew and the guy with a smile on his face saying "Good morning Sweeheart, lets be friends and Facebook and do this again sometime" wink wink. 

Now if once this story gets out and 15-20 other women all come forward saying he got them drunk and slipped them drugs and fcked them them while they were blacked out, then that shows a clear and present danger to the public and that becomes a different story. 

But if what we have now is a bunch of drunks and druggies that are partying it up and waking up in the wrong beds and no one knows how anyone ended up where they were in the morning , That would be a defense attorney's wet dream an any law firm representing him would assign it to their newest and least experienced new associate so he/she could get his/her first acquital on such a slam dunk case.


----------



## frenchpaddy

two weeks ago everything was very good for this couple 
when couples go to MC and talk about their problems the MC knows they have many good things going for them and the issues are just a percentage of their life 
today this has become a big part of their life and husband is still processing what info he got 
he could hit out at her or the other guy , 

very easy for us to say they need to put it behind them


----------



## oldshirt

We need to look at this in terms of realities. Was she technically sexually assaulted in a compromised state where she was too chemically impaired to give conscientious consent? Yes. 

Is this technically a criminal act on behalf of the other guy - most likely yes. 

Can the OP file a complaint and a report? - Yes. Pretty much anyone can file a report and complaint for any perceived wrongdoing. 

Is there enough compelling evidence and witness testimony for the police to further investigate? - a good maybe. 

Will there be enough for the prosecutor to determine charges are warrented and enough to get a judge to order an arrest warrant - That is going to depend very heavily on witness testimony (the OP likely being the primary witness and she can't remember anything) But if the other people in the house can testify that she was incapacitated and they saw/heard the guy go into her room and either heard her saying, "stop" "Get out" etc or they can testify that he later bragged to them that he had sex with her while she was unconscious or barely breathing etc etc, then there may be a case. 

But we need to keep in mind that these "witnesses" have their own skeletons in their closet that they would like not want to be brought out into the light of day so how helpful they will actually be is questionable. 

Then the final question is will this be convictable to where the fines and damages the guy will pay will be worth the time and cost of the legal system to secure a conviction - As it has been presented here, not a snow balls chance in hell. Like I said, assign the newest. greenest, least experienced defender to this slam-dunk case so he/she can get their first acquital. 
Now if a dozen other women come forward saying he got them drunk and drugged and had sex with them whilst in an incompacitated state, that's a different story.


----------



## Megaforce

CraigBesuden said:


> I disagree.
> 
> The sex was unforced, so the only point of the physical evidence would be to prove that sex occurred.
> 
> If the guy was friendly afterward and wanted to join as a FB friend, I doubt he will deny that they had sex. His argument will be that it was consensual.
> 
> If she and her friends all testify that she drank heavily and took a pill and was completely trashed, and she went to bed alone and checked on her numerous times out of concern for how blitzed she was and she was alone each time they checked…. and he agrees they had sex and she was totally sober… he may have some legal trouble on his hands.


She has said she is not sure if she consented.


----------



## snowbum

Megaforce said:


> She has said she is not sure if she consented.


Unsure is the problem here.


----------



## frenchpaddy

snowbum said:


> Unsure is the problem here.


and what value has consent if she was so out of it


----------



## oldshirt

Now, do I believe the OP's story that she went out with friends, had virtually no intention or desire to hook up with anyone, drank too much, took some drugs, had some kind of blackout and was in some kind of chemically compromised state and some POS that she had no intention of ****ing and no desire to get with, sneak into her room and take advantage of her compromise state without her valid, conscientious consent?

Yes I do. 

Do I think this was a terrible offence perpetuated against the OP without her conscientious consent. 

Yes I do. 

Do i see her as a cheating ho who intentionally and with willful forethought set out and to party it up and score with some other guy?

No I do not. 

This is why I have urged from the opening pages of the thread for her to seek professional counseling and even the services of a sexual assault counselor in determining how to navigate this quagmire of horrible events and conflicting feelings and traumas. 

My reccommendation was to seek that prior to disclosing to the H so she could get direction and support in the disclosure process so that the disclosure itself could be mediated and supported by a professional trained and experienced in these matters rather than on her own with the advice of internet strangers, but that was her choice. 

But my recommendation remains the same. I urge her to seek both sexual assault counseling to help her come to terms with what has happened and to help her deal with that and formulate a plan for going foward whether it be to file a complaint or to put it behind her and carry on with her best life and put it behind her. 

And I most strongly urge professional MC to try to minimize the damage and to do what can be done to repair the damage that has been done to their relationship.


----------



## Divinely Favored

CraigBesuden said:


> And if there were ever an exception, this would be it


That is wrong. How does she explain making him wear condoms for 6 months waiting for all the STD testing to play out. Deal with the guilt she feels.


----------



## CraigBesuden

Megaforce said:


> She has said she is not sure if she consented.


You are talking about _actual consent._ I am talking about _legal consent._

If she was totally drunk and drugged out, she could not legally consent. If she was willing then it was “unforced,” but that doesn’t make it legally “consensual.” If he knew that she was totally blitzed and had sex with her, that is sexual assault.

A prosecutor might overcharge him and allow him to plea bargain down to a lesser crime. They don’t need an airtight case to charge him.


----------



## jsmart

oldshirt said:


> I'm still a bit confused about the role of "Friend”
> 
> *Shouldn't Friend be pissed?? Shouldn't Friend have some skin in this game?*
> 
> Because one of two things happened here -
> 
> - Some guy she was presumably dating and may have slept with herself that night, got out of her bed and went downstairs and climbed into bed with the OP. Shouldn't that cause her to not only be pissed at the Guy but also pissed at the OP herself?????
> 
> - But, if she was not involved with the guy and was not getting with him herself, *shouldn't she be enraged with righteous indignation that some guy she brought along basically sexually assaulted one of her old friends, and shouldn't she be throwing herself at the OP's in appology for exposing her to a sexual predator and for endangering her very life by having her mix drugs and alcohol?*
> 
> I mean at this time, this Friend should either be somewhat pissed at both the OP and the Guy for them having sex together at all.
> 
> Or *the Friend should be enraged at the guy and doing everything in her humanly power to assist the OP in getting the guy tarred and feathered and ran out of town.*
> 
> *I think the friend here is kind of a smelly rat* that encourages the OP to take substances that could have easily killed her and the brings along some dude that basically rapes her under everyone's nose, but yet none of them seem to be doing any kind of action one way or another.


I asked a similar question earlier. It doesn’t make any sense that her friend didn’t immediately go into a rage at the thought that the guy that she brought had sex with her obviously impaired friend? For them to act like nothing and then just all have breakfast, cleanup and leave like it’s ok that her married friend was in any shape to have sex with this guy? 

Her friend’s reaction to the revelation that morning stinks to high hell. To be honest, I don’t understand why her friend even brought a dude that OP barely knew to get together with a friend she hadn’t seen in a long time. Yea, I think OP needs to do some digging when it comes to her friend and this dude.


----------



## frenchpaddy

jsmart said:


> Her friend’s


 for me her friend was no friend i don't have the time to go into it but what you say is right and i think the friend has a lot to do with wath happened


----------



## Megaforce

frenchpaddy said:


> and what value has consent if she was so out of it


We do not know her condition at the time they engaged. Nor do we know his. All the information is from her and she cannot recall how cognizant she was. It is possible that she was too impaired. She said she thought there was a 5% chance she was not, although I have no idea how one quantifies something like that.
The state she awoke in may not represent the state she was in earlier. 
I would expect the guy to assert she consented. No witnesses have provided information on his or her levels of intoxication. There is not enough to establish non consensual sex. Speculation does not meet the legal standards for the burden of proof.


----------



## Megaforce

frenchpaddy said:


> for me her friend was no friend i don't have the time to go into it but what you say is right and i think the friend has a lot to do with wath happened


They might have mutually encouraged one another to take drugs. That is fairly typical with experienced users. She has used in the past, apparently, with no encouragement from this friend. 
Her friend may have been equally obliterated and thus incapable of periodically checking on her. We just do not know.
I am amazed at the willingness of people to ingest these toxins. I have seen, first hand the tragedies that follow. Yet, folks are in love with being high.


----------



## Cynthia

@Kgs-95, Was the rapist invited to stay at your Air B&B? What bed was he supposed to be sleeping in? Where were his things? Does your friend know where the man was when she checked on you? Did he wait in the living room until everyone had gone to bed? Did anyone notice anything strange or uncomfortable? I think your friends need to know that you believe you were raped. I'd be asking a lot of questions about what was going on around the house, but at this point, I'm not sure how much I'd believe that friend. She gave you a pill that combined with alcohol could have killed you. She put you to bed. It was her friend that ended up in your bed and raped you.
You were so impaired that when you woke up to use the bathroom, you were still impaired.

What does your husband have to say about this? What does he think happened? Does he realize that the man is going to lie to him, no matter what happened, if he speaks to him?

Have you considered going with your husband to speak to an attorney and get an opinion on this matter? Although, if your "friend" was involved, she will not be a reliable witness.

I also wonder about the friend. Is she angry? Is she fearful of this man now? If she wasn't involved in what happened, she is also in danger if she hangs out with this man.


oldshirt said:


> I'm still a bit confused about the role of "Friend." So she brings a guy along on their party night. OP thought that Guy and Friend were dating. They all drink and party and whoop it up.
> 
> OP says Guy is attractive and they make social small talk but OP says she and Guy were not flirting and that no one made any c'mons or sexual overtures or anything.
> 
> Get back to the house where partying continues and drugs are taken. OP gets hit pretty hard by the drugs and per her statement is 'out of it" * but remember Friend directing her bed.*


 She doesn't remember her friend helping her. She was blacked out. Her friend told her that she helped her to bed and checked on her again later. Normally, I would think that this is reliable information, but I'm unsure of what was really going on with her friend. She seems pretty sketch to me.


----------



## Megaforce

CraigBesuden said:


> You are talking about _actual consent._ I am talking about _legal consent._
> 
> If she was totally drunk and drugged out, she could not legally consent. If she was willing then it was “unforced,” but that doesn’t make it legally “consensual.” If he knew that she was totally blitzed and had sex with her, that is sexual assault.
> 
> A prosecutor might overcharge him and allow him to plea bargain down to a lesser crime. They don’t need an airtight case to charge him.


Yes, I understand. But, what evidence do we have as to the degree to which she was impaired? We know she drank and took a drug. Do we know how much it was affecting her at the time of the initiation? How much had the intoxicants been metabolized or had yet to take effect? She said she felt there was a 5% chance she consented but cannot recall. By morning she awakened spontaneously and had the ability to ambulate, go to the bathroom, find an alternative place to sleep etc. Just too much is unknown.
And, as has been raised, do we know the man's level of impairment such that, possibly she gets charged if he was too out of it.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Megaforce said:


> We do not know her condition at the time they engaged


if it looks like ******** if it smells like ******** I call it ******** , she was put to bed by another woman , that woman know she was bad enough to have to look in on her later , the first thing she can recall is getting up at 5am and feeling sore , now you need to be a special type of stupid to think she could be swinging out of the rafters with some bull that she is supposed to have invited into her room , and even if she did she was under the influence


----------



## Megaforce

frenchpaddy said:


> if it looks like ****** if it smells like ****** I call it ****** , she was put to bed by another woman , that woman know she was bad enough to have to look in on her later , the first thing she can recall is getting up at 5am and feeling sore , now you need to be a special type of stupid to think she could be swinging out of the rafters with some bull that she is supposed to have invited into her room , and even if she did she was under the influence


This is why I feared juries.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Megaforce said:


> They might have mutually encouraged one another to take drugs. That is fairly typical with experienced users. She has used in the past, apparently, with no encouragement from this friend.
> Her friend may have been equally obliterated and thus incapable of periodically checking on her. We just do not know.
> I am amazed at the willingness of people to ingest these toxins. I have seen, first hand the tragedies that follow. Yet, folks are in love with being high.


seems you want to be the first to lob the first stone here , but as I fellow it was the so called friend that gave her the drug /pill IT was the so called friend that told her she should not have taken a full one because it was her first time ,THIS IS WHAT I have picked up from this topic as I know nothing about drug use


----------



## snowbum

I guess I have some questions on why unfamiliar guy was allowed to stay there. Or why these friends that weren’t really friends anymore hung out for the weekend. Or why anyone would be willing to scarf down unknown drugs. It all just seems like a bad movie


----------



## snowbum

I don’t know if it can be turned around but imagine hysband gets blasted drunk and winds up naked with a woman. Would there be the same outcry? Unfortunately bad choices were made throughout the night. Maybe rape/ maybe not. I don’t see anyone saying the standard” this is one side of the story”. If it was rape, it’s an awful undeserved result. But no one was there and the people there don’t even know.


----------



## frenchpaddy

snowbum said:


> I don’t know if it can be turned around but imagine hysband gets blasted drunk and winds up naked with a woman. Would there be the same outcry? Unfortunately bad choices were made throughout the night. Maybe rape/ maybe not. I don’t see anyone saying the standard” this is one side of the story”. If it was rape, it’s an awful undeserved result. But no one was there and the people there don’t even know.


we have often seen a spouse that was cheated on make that bad choose and revenge cheat , or they make a prisoner or victim out of the cheater for ever more , 
while like a crime if someone does wrong the punishment has to fit the crime but does not give them the right to go over , too far east is west


----------



## Wolfman1968

People/Posters:

We have been round and round on this thread about the degree of competency that the OP had to consent, and whether this was rape or whether it was a drunken, but not sexual assault-type, sexual encounter.

The thing is, the answer is completely unknowable. The one person who MIGHT have the ability to say would be the guy she ended up in bed with. However, she will never sure to get the truth out of him, because if he says it was anything short of an enthusiastic voluntary act, he'd be risking prison. So he will only give one answer.

So, can we please get off the dime on this part of the discussion and instead focus on what our advice is for the OP moving forward?


----------



## Livvie

Wolfman1968 said:


> People/Posters:
> 
> We have been round and round on this thread about the degree of competency that the OP had to consent, and whether this was rape or whether it was a drunken, but not sexual assault-type, sexual encounter.
> 
> The thing is, the answer is completely unknowable. The one person who MIGHT have the ability to say would be the guy she ended up in bed with. However, she will never sure to get the truth out of him, because if he says it was anything short of an enthusiastic voluntary act, he'd be risking prison. So he will only give one answer.
> 
> So, can we please get off the dime on this part of the discussion and instead focus on what our advice is for the OP moving forward?


Thank you.


----------



## snowbum

My advice is to completely quit drinking and substances. Own up that hers and only her decisions brought this about. Then accept his decision. No half answers. If you can’t remember then you can’t . Just accept and mode on. Personally this has similarities to a dude waking up with a rando woman and expecting wife to go with “ I drank too much”. I might get over that but would no longer be said persons spouse. No one made her drink too much or do drugs. That was voluntary. Unfortunate, yes. Regrettable, yes. But adults do gave accountability


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> Yes, I understand. But, what evidence do we have as to the degree to which she was impaired? We know she drank and took a drug. Do we know how much it was affecting her at the time of the initiation? How much had the intoxicants been metabolized or had yet to take effect?


If they know what the drug was and how much she drank, an expert may be able to answer those questions with much more certainty than our guesses. The standard for a jury in a criminal case is "beyond a reasonable doubt", not beyond any doubt. That is a place where talking to a lawyer, the police, and potentially a prosecutor could all help.



Megaforce said:


> By morning she awakened spontaneously and had the ability to ambulate, go to the bathroom, find an alternative place to sleep etc.


She also said she still felt really awful.



Megaforce said:


> And, as has been raised, do we know the man's level of impairment such that, possibly she gets charged if he was too out of it.


Another benefit of going to the police is that the will question him and may get him to contradict himself or reveal something, especially if he's naive or arrogant enough to talk to them without a lawyer present.

No, she shouldn't get her hopes up for an arrest or a conviction and the police might take a statement and recommend she drop it. Other than getting her hopes up, potentially wasting her time and their time, or triggering an investigation into her friends and the drug, I don't see any other negatives to at least talking to the police and getting more professional advice on how to proceed. Are there any other downsides to it?

If "you'll probably fail" was a reason not to do something with a small chance for huge benefits, nobody would play the lottery. And, no, I don't think playing the lottery is foolish if you understand what you are doing and don't count on winning.


----------



## Megaforce

snowbum said:


> My advice is to completely quit drinking and substances. Own up that hers and only her decisions brought this about. Then accept his decision. No half answers. If you can’t remember then you can’t . Just accept and mode on. Personally this has similarities to a dude waking up with a rando woman and expecting wife to go with “ I drank too much”. I might get over that but would no longer be said persons spouse. No one made her drink too much or do drugs. That was voluntary. Unfortunate, yes. Regrettable, yes. But adults do gave accountability


Some folks reconcile after this type of thing, some do not. Lots of variables involved. It is a cautionary tale re intoxication and the possible consequences. Drug and alcohol use are involved in a great many types of tragedies. It is the unfortunate truth.


----------



## Not

Wolfman1968 said:


> People/Posters:
> 
> We have been round and round on this thread about the degree of competency that the OP had to consent, and whether this was rape or whether it was a drunken, but not sexual assault-type, sexual encounter.
> 
> The thing is, the answer is completely unknowable. The one person who MIGHT have the ability to say would be the guy she ended up in bed with. However, she will never sure to get the truth out of him, because if he says it was anything short of an enthusiastic voluntary act, he'd be risking prison. So he will only give one answer.
> 
> So, can we please get off the dime on this part of the discussion and instead focus on what our advice is for the OP moving forward?


So agree with this, thank you!

Any advice/speculation at this point is a waste. And the shaming just needs to stop regardless.

It might take days but lets wait and see what her hubby thinks of it all and go from there.


----------



## Casual Observer

Can a thread be temporarily locked to all but the original poster? This thread is 98% speculation. Give @Kgs-95 some breathing room.

Ok, a specific ask. @MattMatt - would it make sense for a mod to send a PM to @Kgs-95 , let her know that the thread is currently locked and for her to let TAM know she’s ready to reply so please unlock?


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If they now what the drug was and how much she drank, an expert may be able to answer those questions with much more certainty than our guesses. The standard for a jury in a criminal case is "beyond a reasonable doubt", not beyond any doubt. That is a place where talking to a lawyer, the police, and potentially a prosecutor could all help.
> 
> 
> 
> She also said she still felt really awful.
> 
> 
> 
> Another benefit of going to the police is that the will question him and may get him to contradict himself or reveal something, especially if he's naive or arrogant enough to talk to them without a lawyer present.
> 
> No, she shouldn't get her hopes up for an arrest or a conviction and the police might take a statement and recommend she drop it. Other than getting her hopes up, potentially wasting her time and their time, or triggering an investigation into her friends and the drug, I don't see any other negatives to at least talking to the police and getting more professional advice on how to proceed. Are there any other downsides to it?
> 
> If "you'll probably fail" was a reason not to do something with a small chance for huge benefits, nobody would play the lottery.


I really see no benefit to her.


----------



## Beach123

The OP needs support in helping her relationship heal with her husband.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> I really see no benefit to her.


Potential Benefits:

She repeats what she told her husband to the police, where she'd be committing a crime by lying to them, reducing his doubts she may be lying.
Both her and her husband pursue a legal avenue of "revenge" against a guy who most likely wronged her as a vent for wanting justice.
The police will give her and her husband an assessment about what they think of the case, even if it's to not file a complaint and seek an arrest.
The police can question the guy and might find something incriminating in his testimony or if they search his home and phone or talk to his friends.
She could learn more about the guy and what happened by talking to the police and even more if the police investigate and question people.
She could learn even more if charges are brought against him and testimony is taken under oath.
There is a very small but also very real possibility of the guy being arrested and convicted if he sexually assaulted her, especially if he screws up and says something incriminating, has said something incriminating to others, or kept photographic or video evidence himself.
If the guy is a predator likely to do it again and someone else files a similar complaint, their complaint may be taken more seriously and have a higher chance of being investigated, etc.
What are the actual negatives if she reports this to the police? "You'll probably fail," isn't a negative for reporting. It's a negative for getting her hopes up for a conviction. Not the same thing. The time involved, potential cost of a lawyer, risks of talking about illegal drugs with the police, and the potential mental anguish of repeating the story over and over again to the police, lawyers, a courtroom, etc. or having her own behavior and role questioned in court are all negatives that should be weighed against the potential benefits. Am I missing anything?

I do want people to talk about the negatives to help the OP and her husband make a good decision about whether to go to the police or not.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Beach123 said:


> The OP needs support in helping her relationship heal with her husband.


I agree and recommended that she open up a new thread here to discuss her relationship with her husband and what she needs to do to help them and they can do to make reconciliation a viable option for them, independent of this thread, which was about telling her husband what happened and has been talking about what happened. It might be difficult to shift the focus of this thread to that topic. She said she'd consider it.


----------



## Cynthia

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I agree and recommended that she open up a new thread here to discuss her relationship with her husband and what she needs to do to help them and they can do to make reconciliation a viable option for them, independent of this thread, which was about telling her husband what happened and has been talking about what happened. It might be difficult to shift the focus of this thread to that topic. She said she'd consider it.


Normally, I hate it when people open a new thread for the same subject, but, in this case, I think it might be a good way to calm things down and get some help in dealing with the repurcussions and the marriage issues.


----------



## Jamieboy

In Absentia said:


> I believe it's pretty much a case of rape too... that said, if it is rape, I find the man's behaviour afterwards rather odd. Remaining in the bed and asking to be friends on FB?


Actually I think the opposite, if you act like it was consensual, you end up in this scenario where OP isn't sure. If she'd woken up alone, naked and sore, she'd for sure know she'd been raped.


----------



## Tdbo

Megaforce said:


> I really see no benefit to her.


I really don't either, with one potential concern.
Superschlong had enough guts to reach out on FB. My biggest concern would be with him going silent and staying away. I do think that some sort of legal consultation may be necessary to plan for this as a possible issue. Perhaps, a PD Report of the situation may be necessary to lay a foundation if additional action is required to insure that he remains in a state of FO.
I concur with the statement that the OP has been beaten up enough on this board, and that the dead horse is now plenty tender.
She will hopefully reach out with what help she needs from the group. Some extremely poor decision making led to an event that has left a mark on the marriage that is not going to (at least completely) ever buff out.
She can mitigate some of the damage by doing the right things, and she seems to be off to a good start. She accepts responsibility for what happened, She has stated several times here that she realizes the need to give up the friends, drugs, and alcohol. She needs to give her husband the support he needs, and be willing to do what it takes, including accepting and going through his pain with him. She needs to start rebuilding the relationship that she is going to have with her husband (if she is fortunate enough to have one) and take the necessary action to clean up the mess, make amends, and do whatever she needs to do to make sure that it doesn't happens again.
I truly hope that the OP can make things right with her husband, as much as possible. I don't think that she intentionally set out to create this situation, now that more detail has emerged. While I am not willing to go as far as referring to this using the R word because of the lack of more specific detail, I do think that she did not consent. I do think that she is going to be dealing with some other issues, especially since this happened on her hometown. Since it involves HS friends, she may need to consider how it will play out, because I seriously doubt that this group will embargo the events of the evening, and it will get back to her family. This may not go away nicely on many fronts.


----------



## Not

Another point to consider is OP herself. While it’s obvious her hubby is most likely devastated she, herself, may need help as well with possible therapy to deal with what’s happened to her. An issue completely separate from everything else. We don’t know what this has done to her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Not said:


> Another point to consider is OP herself. While it’s obvious her hubby is most likely devastated she, herself, may need help as well with possible therapy to deal with what’s happened to her. An issue completely separate from everything else. We don’t know what this has done to her.


This is a sad situation all the way around. Drugs never lead to anything good. I hope they both have learned from this experience. I also hope they can recover their marriage.


----------



## Young at Heart

oldshirt said:


> Now, do I believe the OP's story that she went out with friends, had virtually no intention or desire to hook up with anyone, drank too much, took some drugs, had some kind of blackout and was in some kind of chemically compromised state and some POS that she had no intention of fcking and no desire to get with, sneak into her room and take advantage of her compromise state without her valid, conscientious consent?
> 
> Yes I do.
> 
> Do I think this was a terrible offence perpetuated against the OP without her conscientious consent.
> 
> Yes I do.
> 
> Do i see her as a cheating ho who intentionally and with willful forethought set out and to party it up and score with some other guy?
> 
> No I do not.
> 
> This is why I have urged from the opening pages of the thread for her to seek professional counseling and even the services of a sexual assault counselor in determining how to navigate this quagmire of horrible events and conflicting feelings and traumas.
> 
> My reccommendation was to seek that prior to disclosing to the H so she could get direction and support in the disclosure process so that the disclosure itself could be mediated and supported by a professional trained and experienced in these matters rather than on her own with the advice of internet strangers, but that was her choice.
> 
> But my recommendation remains the same. I urge her to seek both sexual assault counseling to help her come to terms with what has happened and to help her deal with that and formulate a plan for going foward whether it be to file a complaint or to put it behind her and carry on with her best life and put it behind her.
> 
> And I most strongly urge professional MC to try to minimize the damage and to do what can be done to repair the damage that has been done to their relationship.


While I agree with the sexual assault counseling and the MC those are both long term solutions. 

It OP's life is at a critical point from her perspective and she needs short term support and ideas.

Her focus is and probably should be her husband. Only if her husband wants to call this rape and push the lack of consent should that be her focus. To me, her husband probably has questions (he has called some of the "friends" she told him to call and discussed what happened), need answers, needs space to figure things out, and above all needs some sense of caring and repentance on the part of his wife.

I believe that the focus should be on her short term support not what level of consent occurred prior to, during, or after the sex she had. 

Again, my heart goes out to the poor husband. This has to be an overwhelming, no right answer, heart breaking situation. The kind of short term assistance she needs depends a lot on the approach her husband takes. In the long term, your advice is spot on.


----------



## Evinrude58

UAArchangel said:


> I've been corrected on the point about her giving the drug, which leads me to wonder if they were working together. I think I'm within reason, given the facts at hand. What I suggest is not the first time for this sort of thing. Until it is eliminated, it is a possibility.
> 
> She gave her a drug, knowing full well that it would knock her out and leave her completely helpless with a strange man in the house.


Who gives someone a full pill and after they’re knocked out and raped, says “well, hell, you should’ve only taken half”……. Wtf?????


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> Potential Benefits:
> 
> She repeats what she told her husband to the police, where she'd be committing a crime by lying to them, reducing his doubts she may be lying.
> Both her and her husband pursue a legal avenue of "revenge" against a guy who most likely wronged her as a vent for wanting justice.
> The police will give her and her husband an assessment about what they think of the case, even if it's to not file a complaint and seek an arrest.
> The police can question the guy and might find something incriminating in his testimony or if they search his home and phone or talk to his friends.
> She could learn more about the guy and what happened by talking to the police and even more if the police investigate and question people.
> She could learn even more if charges are brought against him and testimony is taken under oath.
> There is a very small but also very real possibility of the guy being arrested and convicted if he sexually assaulted her, especially if he screws up and says something incriminating, has said something incriminating to others, or kept photographic or video evidence himself.
> If the guy is a predator likely to do it again and someone else files a similar complaint, their complaint may be taken more seriously and have a higher chance of being investigated, etc.
> What are the actual negatives if she reports this to the police? "You'll probably fail," isn't a negative for reporting. It's a negative for getting her hopes up for a conviction. Not the same thing. The time involved, potential cost of a lawyer, risks of talking about illegal drugs with the police, and the potential mental anguish of repeating the story over and over again to the police, lawyers, a courtroom, etc. or having her own behavior and role questioned in court are all negatives that should be weighed against the potential benefits. Am I missing anything?
> 
> I do want people to talk about the negatives to help the OP and her husband make a good decision about whether to go to the police or not.


Okay, one negative off the top of my head. Then I quit.
Police and prosecutor decline to press charges telling her the case is no good. This reinforces to her husband that her story is less than credible. So, what he once accepted as true becomes doubtful to him.
The drugs are a non issue to the cops. They do not prosecute folks for admitting to past usage. 
What type of lawyer do you suggest she consult. The prosecutor is a lawyer. No civil litigators are going to be interested in this claim. It is a loser and there is no money in it. Law is a business.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> The drugs are a non issue to the cops. They do not prosecute folks for admitting to past usage.


My concern is less that OP gets prosecuted and more that they might go after her friends, and she might not want that. They provided the drug to her. It also might be a big deal if that particular drug is a hot subject that they're investigating and looking for information about (e.g., if a local pharmacy or hospital was burglarized or people have died taking it).

Note that raising this concern works against my suggestion to talk to the police. I'm trying to present all of the pros and cons I can imagine so the OP can make the best choice for her and her husband and not be surprised by things she didn't think about or consider. I want the OP to pick what's best for her and her husband, even if that's not what I think she should do.



Megaforce said:


> What type of lawyer do you suggest she consult. The prosecutor is a lawyer. No civil litigators are going to be interested in this claim. It is a loser and there is no money in it. Law is a business.


What I had in mind is paying a lawyer to provide legal advice and to answer any questions they might have about what people have claimed here. People are often told to talk to lawyers before talking to the police. I didn't expect the lawyer to work for free. You can add "may cost some money" as a downside if they go that route.


----------



## oldshirt

Young at Heart said:


> While I agree with the sexual assault counseling and the MC those are both long term solutions.
> 
> It OP's life is at a critical point from her perspective and she needs short term support and ideas.
> 
> Her focus is and probably should be her husband. Only if her husband wants to call this rape and push the lack of consent should that be her focus. To me, her husband probably has questions (he has called some of the "friends" she told him to call and discussed what happened), need answers, needs space to figure things out, and above all needs some sense of caring and repentance on the part of his wife.
> 
> I believe that the focus should be on her short term support not what level of consent occurred prior to, during, or after the sex she had.
> 
> Again, my heart goes out to the poor husband. This has to be an overwhelming, no right answer, heart breaking situation. The kind of short term assistance she needs depends a lot on the approach her husband takes. In the long term, your advice is spot on.


I do see seeking professional counseling as an immediate action. If you break your arm, you go to ER, you don't sit and ask your spouse what he/she wants to do about it. 

I thought she should have sought the counseling first to have a trained, experienced professional that deals with this stuff all the time help her sort out thoughts objectives and help her and guide her through disclosing this and discussing it with her husband. 

Even now that she has disclosed to her H, I think seeking professional guidance and support sooner rather than later is a valid next step. 

The reason we even have professionals is so people don't go running off half-cocked acting on their initial emotional responses.


----------



## oldshirt

Megaforce said:


> Okay, one negative off the top of my head. Then I quit.
> Police and prosecutor decline to press charges telling her the case is no good. This reinforces to her husband that her story is less than credible. So, what he once accepted as true becomes doubtful to him.


Not necessarily. 

The husband does not need a jury to determine where he stands on this one way or another. He may not accept this even if the guy is tried, convicted and sent up the river. Just the fact she was there drinking it up and doing drugs with strange men in that environment might be enough for him to say, I'm out, if it can be proven she was assaulted against her will. 

And conversely, even if she leaves things as she doesn't remember exactly what happened and does not pursue any legal action, he may just chalk it up to an unfortunate incident and try to put it behind them and go on with life. 

And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to file a complaint and do the report and just have the police pay him a visit and take his statement, might be enough to show him that she was serious that this was not a willful, consensual hook up. 

Every knows that there is a lot of difficulty in obtaining an actual conviction in any kind of He-said/She-said situation where there are drugs and alcohol involved. Just the fact that she took some kind of action to vindicate herself may be enough for him, even if the prosecutors don't see enough for filing charges or seeking a conviction. 

As I said, spouses do not need criminal convictions or acquitals to make up their own minds how they want to handle a situation like this.


----------



## In Absentia

Jamieboy said:


> Actually I think the opposite, if you act like it was consensual, you end up in this scenario where OP isn't sure. If she'd woken up alone, naked and sore, she'd for sure know she'd been raped.


But she wouldn’t know who did it…


----------



## Young at Heart

oldshirt said:


> I do see seeking professional counseling as an immediate action. If you break your arm, you go to ER, you don't sit and ask your spouse what he/she wants to do about it.
> 
> I thought she should have sought the counseling first to have a trained, experienced professional that deals with this stuff all the time help her sort out thoughts objectives and help her and guide her through disclosing this and discussing it with her husband.
> 
> Even now that she has disclosed to her H, I think seeking professional guidance and support sooner rather than later is a valid next step.
> 
> The reason we even have professionals is so people don't go running off half-cocked acting on their initial emotional responses.


You do have a point. But I politely agree to disagree.

".....The reason we even have professionals is so people don't go running off half-cocked acting on their initial emotional responses....." What I see is that the OP has not run off half-cocked acting on an emotional response. Yes, she was emotional, but she took a few weeks to get a lot of different advice, seemed to have sorted through it and made a reasoned response; not an initial emotional response. She decided to tell her husband, whether that was the right decision or not, it was her decision. Just like all the misteps that night in the rented house were mostly her decisions, this was her decision. 

Her H is now the one that needs to not make a knee jerk emotional response. Her initial response is over and now she needs to see if her H is going to do. Her future needs and help will depend on if her H wants to divorce her, or what he needs to recover from what has happened to his view of his marriage and wife.

I wish them both luck and a happier New Year.


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> My concern is less that OP gets prosecuted and more that they might go after her friends, and she might not want that. They provided the drug to her. It also might be a big deal if that particular drug is a hot subject that they're investigating and looking for information about (e.g., if a local pharmacy or hospital was burglarized or people have died taking it).
> 
> Note that raising this concern works against my suggestion to talk to the police. I'm trying to present all of the pros and cons I can imagine so the OP can make the best choice for her and her husband and not be surprised by things she didn't think about or consider. I want the OP to pick what's best for her and her husband, even if that's not what I think she should do.
> 
> 
> 
> What I had in mind is paying a lawyer to provide legal advice and to answer any questions they might have about what people have claimed here. People are often told to talk to lawyers before talking to the police. I didn't expect the lawyer to work for free. You can add "may cost some money" as a downside if they go that route.


I was referring to her friend being prosecuted. Never going to happen.
And, why pay some lawyer? The prosecutor has more expertise. Lawyers are not rape counselors or experts.


----------



## Megaforce

oldshirt said:


> Not necessarily.
> 
> The husband does not need a jury to determine where he stands on this one way or another. He may not accept this even if the guy is tried, convicted and sent up the river. Just the fact she was there drinking it up and doing drugs with strange men in that environment might be enough for him to say, I'm out, if it can be proven she was assaulted against her will.
> 
> And conversely, even if she leaves things as she doesn't remember exactly what happened and does not pursue any legal action, he may just chalk it up to an unfortunate incident and try to put it behind them and go on with life.
> 
> And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to file a complaint and do the report and just have the police pay him a visit and take his statement, might be enough to show him that she was serious that this was not a willful, consensual hook up.
> 
> Every knows that there is a lot of difficulty in obtaining an actual conviction in any kind of He-said/She-said situation where there are drugs and alcohol involved. Just the fact that she took some kind of action to vindicate herself may be enough for him, even if the prosecutors don't see enough for filing charges or seeking a conviction.
> 
> As I said, spouses do not need criminal convictions or acquitals to make up their own minds how they want to handle a situation like this.


He asked for a possible downside. Her h could react any number of ways.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@Kgs-95 How are you doing?


----------



## ThrowAway123

Something is missing.

How does the GUY know about her being on birth control? Or you just bust your load into anyone you just met????


----------



## Jimi007

ThrowAway123 said:


> Something is missing.
> 
> How does the GUY know about her being on birth control? Or you just bust your load into anyone you just met????


I don't think that specific issue was discussed. However OP did state the she was on BC


----------



## MattMatt

ThrowAway123 said:


> Something is missing.
> 
> How does the GUY know about her being on birth control? Or you just bust your load into anyone you just met????


It's probable that he doesn't care about details like that.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator note:- *OK, everyone. It's time for the speculations to stop. I'm sure we have given @Kgs-95 and her husband a great deal to think about and I am certain that @Kgs-95 will be able to keep us updated with the situation as it unfolds.


----------



## uwe.blab

Livvie said:


> My story was about drugs.


My story was too. And, again, irrelevant like yours.


----------



## ShatteredKat

For the Woman who started this thread:
***
_"Police and prosecutor decline to press charges telling her the case is no good."_
***
Burden of proof will be on her to provide evidence. She has essentially none.

Police will not start prosecutorial action unless they have the position of having enough evidence to substantiate a legal definition of a law was violated. In this thread - all we know for sure is what OP has written about her actions and thoughts. 

***
_"This reinforces to her husband that her story is less than credible."_
***
Those of us reading here do not have a clue on how her husband is going to digest what she has related to him on the night of her "experience." There is no rational logic to the statement and it also is making assumption of how a total stranger will perceive an event.
***
_"So, what he once accepted as true becomes doubtful to him."_
***

Again, posting that the husband thinks same as one of us posting here. We here have no idea what the poor man is thinking. _We DO have ideas of how he is thinking based on OUR interpretation of OP's presentation.


"And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to file a complaint and do the report and just have the police pay him a visit and take his statement, might be enough to show him that she was serious that this was not a willful, consensual hook up."_

I would leave out this part of the statement: 
_"And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to. . ."_

File the complaint and get the event and suspect name on a leagal report. (also public I think?)

***
FWIW
Decades ago I was less than an honorable behaving male. Was at friends house with others of course and all partaking of "the weed" and Boones Farm and Anheiser-Busch products in great excess.

Next day my behavior was related to me:
All of us were having fun and I got up to "go to the bathroom" which (I am guessing) was to go outside and piss in the yard. Well, I did get up, and walk to the door, but I didn't open the door and go outside. I just turned to the corner and unzipped pants and let fly. What happened later was not related. I woke up next day in my bed in my apartment which was a short walk from the friends house.

To this day I remember none of the activity. Note that in the 70s, weed was not nearly as strong. Even 5% booze, consumed in great excess with turn ones brain into ??? and fog - or eliminate - ones memory.

FWIW #2:
Given the above - I am perfectly convinced OP experienced a "blackout."

Scary FWIW #3
Party time at a friends condo - Saturday night and a snowstorm is on the weather agenda.
Well, it is blowing, freezing cold and I drive to the condo. Even though I was thinking I should stay home as quite a bit of snow is predicted -

Lots of weed, fermented beverages, general good time being had by all. Time passes and the snow is piling up. OOPS? out of booze so two guys volunteer to walk to store (snow to deep to drive now) and bring back more booze.
Next day - looking outside - cars buried or up to door handles in snowdrifts. 
MORTIFYING chat about the "night before!" - the "Lady of the House" related that she woke up - in HER bed - and I WAS LAYING Beside her. (but we were dressed, just passed out) - She got up and found the bed her live-in BF was in and went back to sleep. My memory - just starts from after I woke up next morning. (or came out of stupor?)

So, OP's experience is perfectly related to me as being a fact as she states. I was about her age when I had the experiences I have posted here.


Kgs-95

Hoping the best for you -


----------



## Livvie

uwe.blab said:


> My story was too. And, again, irrelevant like yours.


Mine was relevant.

People can have blackouts, but not have been passed out. Without an actual sober eye witness there is no way to know. 

Hopefully this isn't something OP needs to go around and around with with her husband and they can just look for a way forward.


----------



## uwe.blab

Livvie said:


> Mine was relevant.
> 
> People can have blackouts, but not have been passed out. Without an actual sober eye witness there is no way to know.
> 
> Hopefully this isn't something OP needs to go around and around with with her husband and they can just look for a way forward.


Ok so, say after you take your drugs and you go home, someone helps you into bed and you are "sleeping", some guy comes in and f***s you. Did you cheat?

You are going to say yes, but that is just because you want to be on a certain side of this, but you are still being intellectually dishonest.

ETA-- you are on ignore so fortunatley I won't see your inane response.


----------



## PossibleRedFlags

feels like we are not getting the complete picture here, The guy tagging along and how it's being explained seems way to suspect.
Anyone else?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

PossibleRedFlags said:


> feels like we are not getting the complete picture here, The guy tagging along and how it's being explained seems way to suspect.
> Anyone else?


It does seem a bit odd that OP's friend brought a male, non-BF to a friends' get together when OP doesn't really know him. Many have expressed this throughout the thread.


----------



## Sfort

BigDaddyNY said:


> It does seem a bit odd that OP's friend brought a male, non-BF to a friends' get together when OP doesn't really know him. Many have expressed this throughout the thread.


Young people do that all the time.


----------



## Captain Obvious

PossibleRedFlags said:


> feels like we are not getting the complete picture here, The guy tagging along and how it's being explained seems way to suspect.
> Anyone else?


People are way overthinking this. OP was in her hometown between holidays to visit family and friends. She went out partying with her hometown friends. Creep was a friend of a friend. It was not uncommon or looked down upon back in my single bar/clubbing days, for friends of friends to meet up with the group. I'm sure they were having a good time so they went back to OP's air BnB for after bars partying. Again I can't tell you how many times I ended up at somebody's house I knew very little or not at all after a night of bar going. OP also said the guy came off as outgoing and friendly, so highly doubtful they would have excluded him. Keep mind this was all after pounding alcohol all night. I don't see any type of conspiracy.


----------



## oldshirt

PossibleRedFlags said:


> feels like we are not getting the complete picture here, The guy tagging along and how it's being explained seems way to suspect.
> Anyone else?





BigDaddyNY said:


> It does seem a bit odd that OP's friend brought a male, non-BF to a friends' get together when OP doesn't really know him. Many have expressed this throughout the thread.


maybe he was the one buying the booze and supplying the drugs.


----------



## ConanHub

uwe.blab said:


> Ok so, say after you take your drugs and you go home, someone helps you into bed and you are "sleeping", some guy comes in and f***s you. Did you cheat?
> 
> You are going to say yes, but that is just because you want to be on a certain side of this, but you are still being intellectually dishonest.
> 
> ETA-- you are on ignore so fortunatley I won't see your inane response.


She's in good company with me then.


----------



## ConanHub

Maybe we should stop the speculation as the dancing cat man suggested?


----------



## Megaforce

ShatteredKat said:


> For the Woman who started this thread:
> ***
> _"Police and prosecutor decline to press charges telling her the case is no good."_
> ***
> Burden of proof will be on her to provide evidence. She has essentially none.
> 
> Police will not start prosecutorial action unless they have the position of having enough evidence to substantiate a legal definition of a law was violated. In this thread - all we know for sure is what OP has written about her actions and thoughts.
> 
> ***
> _"This reinforces to her husband that her story is less than credible."_
> ***
> Those of us reading here do not have a clue on how her husband is going to digest what she has related to him on the night of her "experience." There is no rational logic to the statement and it also is making assumption of how a total stranger will perceive an event.
> ***
> _"So, what he once accepted as true becomes doubtful to him."_
> ***
> 
> Again, posting that the husband thinks same as one of us posting here. We here have no idea what the poor man is thinking. _We DO have ideas of how he is thinking based on OUR interpretation of OP's presentation.
> 
> 
> "And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to file a complaint and do the report and just have the police pay him a visit and take his statement, might be enough to show him that she was serious that this was not a willful, consensual hook up."_
> 
> I would leave out this part of the statement:
> _"And it's also possible that her simply making an honest attempt to. . ."_
> 
> File the complaint and get the event and suspect name on a leagal report. (also public I think?)
> 
> ***
> FWIW
> Decades ago I was less than an honorable behaving male. Was at friends house with others of course and all partaking of "the weed" and Boones Farm and Anheiser-Busch products in great excess.
> 
> Next day my behavior was related to me:
> All of us were having fun and I got up to "go to the bathroom" which (I am guessing) was to go outside and piss in the yard. Well, I did get up, and walk to the door, but I didn't open the door and go outside. I just turned to the corner and unzipped pants and let fly. What happened later was not related. I woke up next day in my bed in my apartment which was a short walk from the friends house.
> 
> To this day I remember none of the activity. Note that in the 70s, weed was not nearly as strong. Even 5% booze, consumed in great excess with turn ones brain into ??? and fog - or eliminate - ones memory.
> 
> FWIW #2:
> Given the above - I am perfectly convinced OP experienced a "blackout."
> 
> Scary FWIW #3
> Party time at a friends condo - Saturday night and a snowstorm is on the weather agenda.
> Well, it is blowing, freezing cold and I drive to the condo. Even though I was thinking I should stay home as quite a bit of snow is predicted -
> 
> Lots of weed, fermented beverages, general good time being had by all. Time passes and the snow is piling up. OOPS? out of booze so two guys volunteer to walk to store (snow to deep to drive now) and bring back more booze.
> Next day - looking outside - cars buried or up to door handles in snowdrifts.
> MORTIFYING chat about the "night before!" - the "Lady of the House" related that she woke up - in HER bed - and I WAS LAYING Beside her. (but we were dressed, just passed out) - She got up and found the bed her live-in BF was in and went back to sleep. My memory - just starts from after I woke up next morning. (or came out of stupor?)
> 
> So, OP's experience is perfectly related to me as being a fact as she states. I was about her age when I had the experiences I have posted here.
> 
> 
> Kgs-95
> 
> Hoping the best for you -


I was merely responding to an inquiry as tomwhether I could conceive of some potential downside. As I mentioned in my subsequent response to oldshirt, I have no idea how her husband would respond. So, no speculation on a probable response.


----------



## Megaforce

BigDaddyNY said:


> It does seem a bit odd that OP's friend brought a male, non-BF to a friends' get together when OP doesn't really know him. Many have expressed this throughout the thread.


Does not seem at all odd to me. We , often, socialized in mixed gender groups.


----------



## *Deidre*

I don't think the party or the group of people that showed up is all that weird, really. I don't think that the OP's friend planned this or wants to sabotage her marriage. There are just jerks in the world, who will take advantage of situations. Sounds like everyone got high/drunk, to varying degrees, and it created a ''perfect storm''.


----------



## Megaforce

Captain Obvious said:


> People are way overthinking this. OP was in her hometown between holidays to visit family and friends. She went out partying with her hometown friends. Creep was a friend of a friend. It was not uncommon or looked down upon back in my single bar/clubbing days, for friends of friends to meet up with the group. I'm sure they were having a good time so they went back to OP's air BnB for after bars partying. Again I can't tell you how many times I ended up at somebody's house I knew very little or not at all after a night of bar going. OP also said the guy came off as outgoing and friendly, so highly doubtful they would have excluded him. Keep mind this was all after pounding alcohol all night. I don't see any type of conspiracy.


Right, these conspiracy theories have included speculation that the guy was collecting trophies on Facebook. Just absurd , off the wall stuff. Folks are reading too many Crime Thrillers.


----------



## *Deidre*

I think the greatest take away here could be not to attend parties (like this anyway) without your husband present. Not that you need a chaperone, or you should live your life like a character out of _The Handmaid's Tale_, but...when it comes to single dudes at parties, alcohol, etc...you just never know. I hope things get better for you and your husband, OP! 🙏


----------



## Megaforce

oldshirt said:


> maybe he was the one buying the booze and supplying the drugs.


That's s right. He is male, after all. Of course he did.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

*Deidre* said:


> I think the greatest take away here could be not to attend parties (like this anyway) without your husband present. Not that you need a chaperone, or you should live your life like a character out of _The Handmaid's Tale_, but...when it comes to single dudes at parties, alcohol, etc...you just never know. I hope things get better for you and your husband, OP! 🙏


Right, its not about being chaperoned. It is about husband and wife having each others backs and protecting each other.


----------



## Megaforce

I am sim pl y amazed with all the information out there that anyone would take opiates, nevermind mixing with ETOH.


----------



## *Deidre*

BigDaddyNY said:


> Right, its not about being chaperoned. It is about husband and wife having each others backs and protecting each other.


I think we should be able to trust our ''friends'' and who they invite to parties, but...that's not always the case, sadly. You just don't think anything ''bad'' is going to happen at a party with mutual friends there, but it can. 😌


----------



## Divinely Favored

Livvie said:


> Mine was relevant.
> 
> People can have blackouts, but not have been passed out. Without an actual sober eye witness there is no way to know.
> 
> Hopefully this isn't something OP needs to go around and around with with her husband and they can just look for a way forward.


BTDT got the shirt and ball cap to match! I have been told of some very embarrassing moments that I had no recollection of. Been bedded by girls with no recollection of having sex with them, do not even remember leaving the night club.

So happy I never killed anyone or myself before I quit drinking 20 yrs ago. Never cared much for beer, I drank bourbon from 18-23


----------



## proton2020

Megaforce said:


> I am sim pl y amazed with all the information out there that anyone would take opiates, nevermind mixing with ETOH.


Yep, put a bullet in the chamber, spin the barrel, pull the trigger. It's just a matter of time.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

As shocking as it may be to many here casual synthetic drug use is commonplace, dangerous yes but as accepted as smoking pot is. I'm reasonably sure the OP knew all of her faults and mistakes when she got here.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Some of the "speculation" on this thread is downright fabrication and not even in the facts that the OP has stated. She came here for help and now we are at a thousand replies and many still seem to think they can rationalize some kind of reality from a completely unknown set of circumstances. It also appears that this useless chatter has driven off the OP.
Hopefully, she will start a new thread that can be productive without all of the threadjacking, speculation, and creative writing.
@Kgs-95
Please try to just "take what you need and leave the rest". If you need any more input just ask. There are a lot of good resources here mixed with the chaff. Best of luck to you.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

ConanHub said:


> Maybe we should stop the speculation as the dancing cat man suggested?


At this point, a lot of the arguments are going in circles, anyway because I think just about everything that need to be said or suggested already has been. @Kgs-95 needs to spend some time talking to her husband and I hope that goes well for her. I think she's handled things very well so far but a lot of this is now up to what her husband wants and needs going forward and what he asks her to do or not do.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Would it be fair to assume that the SHTF over the last day or two for the OP? Her absence from the conversation seems to indicate so.


----------



## Gabriel

She has taken breaks before and come back. Hopefully that continues. We can help if we just focus on what's in front of us.


----------



## Sfort

Tested_by_stress said:


> Would it be fair to assume that the SHTF over the last day or two for the OP? Her absence from the conversation seems to indicate so.


Or maybe she's tired of the BS in this thread.


----------



## Jimi007

Sfort said:


> Or maybe she's tired of the BS in this thread.


And the accusations, people trying to shame her...Like wolves on a fresh kill


----------



## sideways

Sfort said:


> Or maybe she's tired of the BS in this thread.


She wouldn't be the only one "tired of the BS in this thread". Quite a few Cliff Clavin's on here


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Sfort said:


> Or maybe she's tired of the BS in this thread.


I think she got a fair bit of help and good advice from it and she marked a few messages as "Helpful". I think she did a good job of reading everything and taking what she needed from the advice and speculation given. There are many reasons why she may not have been on since yesterday what we could speculate endlessly about. She'll come back if she wants or needs more input, wants to give us an update since a lot of us are wishing her well, and/or her husband is OK with her doing that (if he knows about it now).


----------



## Megaforce

QuestionAssumptions said:


> I think she got a fair bit of help and good advice from it and she marked a few messages as "Helpful". I think she did a good job of reading everything and taking what she needed from the advice and speculation given. There are many reasons why she may not have been on since yesterday what we could speculate endlessly about. She'll come back if she wants or needs more input, wants to give us an update since a lot of us are wishing her well, and/or her husband is OK with her doing that (if he knows about it now).


I cannot imagine why she would feel the need to return. She did everything right.


----------



## QuestionAssumptions

Megaforce said:


> I cannot imagine why she would feel the need to return. She did everything right.


I agree, with respect to why she started this thread. She did great. If she does come back, I would expect it to involve wanting advice about helping and working things out with her husband, which I do think she should start a new discussion thread to discuss if she does. But it would be great for her if things are going well enough that she never needs to return. I hope things turn out well for her and her husband.


----------



## FakeNews001

Megaforce said:


> I cannot imagine why she would feel the need to return. She did everything right.


She had sex with her husband (repeatedly?) without telling him about the incident. That was very wrong.

Of course, mixing drugs and alcohol was also very wrong.

I don't think she is at fault for some guy taking advantage of her. However, those other decisions would be enough to greatly upset her husband.

She did many things wrong, but also a few things right.


----------



## Megaforce

FakeNews001 said:


> She had sex with her husband (repeatedly?) without telling him about the incident. That was very wrong.
> 
> Of course, mixing drugs and alcohol was also very wrong.
> 
> I don't think she is at fault for some guy taking advantage of her. However, those other decisions would be enough to greatly upset her husband.
> 
> She did many things wrong, but also a few things right.


I was referring to her disclosure.


----------



## Young at Heart

*Deidre* said:


> I think the greatest take away here could be not to attend parties (like this anyway) without your husband present. Not that you need a chaperone, or you should live your life like a character out of _The Handmaid's Tale_, but...when it comes to single dudes at parties, alcohol, etc...you just never know. I hope things get better for you and your husband, OP! 🙏


I am sorry, but the two greatest take a ways are in this day and age of deadly drugs, don't take drugs of any kind people pass around at parties, if you want to wake up alive in the morning. I wonder if the "friend" who put her to bed and checked in on her during the night, was afraid she might find a dead body. If it were me, I would have been concerned.

The second main lesson is that it is a slippery slope toward infidelity, where tragic results are just a few bad decisions away; so it is important not to make any questionable decisions. I am sure she now wishes she never went out and did serious drinking, never invighted people to her rented place, never continued drinking and never took that drug.


----------



## harperlee

The collective mass have determined that OP was sexually assaulted. Interesting.


----------



## Diana7

harperlee said:


> The collective mass have determined that OP was sexually assaulted. Interesting.


Many havent.


----------



## TAMAT

I think she took her $10,000 worth of council and is applying it.

How much I wish I had gotten the advice here 35 years ago.


----------



## ArthurGPym

OP I believe your story. I too have had this kind of experience, except in reverse. It was 1986, Santa Monica, California. I was playing in a band and we had finished our gig at around 9:00 p.m. (we were the "warm up" band... fluffers for the main act). After dropping our gear off we went to a party at a friend's apartment in West Hollywood. There must have been twenty-five people there. By 11:00 p.m. I was drunk as a skunk and baked out of my gourd on some good Acapulco. Then someone offered me a blotter and I swallowed it. I mean, that's what you do right? And I waited to see what happened. Nothing. I waited and waited. Nothing. At one point I even complained "Dude this is **** acid! Where d'ya get this stuff?" No sooner had I said this when that **** kicked in. The room collapsed and I was sucked into a smeared, boiling vortex of color, as bolts of electricity shot through my head. It smelled like cinnamon. All my friends dematerialized into caricatures of the Flintstones and BAMMMMO! I am gone... flying into the center of the universe... soaring out beyond the Kuiper Belt with Voyager II. No mind, no body, completely existing as wavelength.

After several hours on the cosmic rollercoaster the trip ends and my eyes pop open. I am flat on my back, in a bed, with my head dangling off the edge. It is bright sunny daylight. I'm staring blurrily out a patio door at a blond monkey who is just hanging there staring back at me. No... wait... it's not a monkey, it's a cat, sitting at the patio door looking at me with contempt. I'm looking back at her upside down. I lift my head up as daggers are driven into the base of my skull and a wave of nausea hits. I do a reverse tumble off the bed, stagger to my feet and lunge at the bathroom. I make it just in time to heave three gallons of transmogrified booze and Doritos into the toilet. The toilet smells like female. I remember that to this day: a woman's toilet smells different than a guy's. When the waves are over I stumble back into the bedroom and spy a gorgeous, tanned hip and calf sticking out from under a comforter. Upon closer inspection that beautiful leg is connected to an equally beautiful blond. She had big hair and those red plastic hoop earrings. It was the '80s. I have no clue who she is.

I can't find my clothes, so I creep out the bedroom as quietly as I can and I spy a heap of clothes down at the bottom of the stairs. I slink buck-ass naked down the stairs and hop around getting my pants on. Where's my shirt. O wait! I didn't wear a shirt, just my leather vest! It's the '80s. Then to my horror I look over and there is a chick in the kitchen staring at me and smiling. "Good morning, Sunshine!" Why do they always say that? I smile back, grab my boots, wave goodbye to the roommate and stumble out the door. I get to the end of the driveway and sit down to put on my boots. No socks! I left my socks inside. F*ck it, I'm not going back in. I slip my bare feet into my Justin snakeskins and stagger down the street, trying to figure out where I am. I walk probably three miles without socks through foreign neighborhoods until I find a 7-Eleven and I ask the guy behind the counter where I am at. "Huntington Beach" he blandly answers, looking at me with that kind of look that tells you the person you're talking to thinks you're a douche.

Huntington Beach. Orange County. Fifty miles and a good hour and a half drive from West Hollywood. Somehow, some way, I hooked up with a girl I didn't know at the party, traveled south for fifty miles, had sex with her and slept another six hours or so, and I don't remember anything. Not one damn thing. Whatever was in that blotter blew my freaking brains out. I know now it wasn't just LSD. Or if it was LSD, then it was 100% pharmaceutical-grade Dr. Who juice that could launch a herd of blue whales to the moon and back. I'm thinking now it was maybe DMT, but DMT wasn't really around back then. Or maybe it was a mix of LSD and mescaline. Who knows? It was a stupid ****ing to do, that is all I know. I never knew who that girl was, or how we got that house. It was as if twelve hours of my life went missing.

So yeah, I believe the OP when she says she remembers nothing. And I wish her the best and hope hubby is merciful.


----------



## ShatteredKat

Agreed:

_So yeah, I believe the OP when she says she remembers nothing. And I wish her the best and hope hubby is merciful. _

I hope she returns with some news of better things happening in her life.


----------



## oldshirt

harperlee said:


> The collective mass have determined that OP was sexually assaulted. Interesting.


i believe the OP’s story that she went to bed drunk and drugged, woke up the next day with a kootchie full of spew next to some dude at the party without any recollection of what happened.

In todays’ social and legal climate, by the letter of the law, it can probably be considered an assault in that her ability to give informed, affirmative consent was likely compromised.

However in practical terms, it was kind of like if someone doused themselves with gas and the last thing they remember was before waking up in the burn unit was holding a lighter, but they don’t actually remember if they lit the lighter or remember anything about catching on fire.

Was it arson by another party who came along and threw match on them, or was it an intentional act in the moment?


----------



## harperlee

I wonder how many men would be ok with their wives or gf's drinking and drugging in this same scenario.
'Some dude came back with us to my airbnb and this happened.'

In unicorn/butterfly land, women could be high or drunk around strange dudes and be safe.
In unicorn/butterfly land, girls don't get trafficked or raped.
In unicorn/butterfly land my daughter is safe, walking anywhere, anytime.
All grown women understand this extremely unfair reality, and we hate it, btw.

Men need to raise men, strong, loving men.

In the real world; my opinion is that OP did exactly what she wanted. This thread just hopped up her story.


----------



## David60525

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


I hope you took a morning after pill, got rape tested, cuz I am sure you got raped if you remember nothing. Come clean about your incident and never touch alcohol again, you may escape this without divorce if you are really repentant and make amends for a very very long time, I must say, you knew what you did and were doing. Or going to do. When the car is away a woman will play with the first alpha she meets no matter what age.


----------



## Megaforce

harperlee said:


> I wonder how many men would be ok with their wives or gf's drinking and drugging in this same scenario.
> 'Some dude came back with us to my airbnb and this happened.'
> 
> In unicorn/butterfly land, women could be high or drunk around strange dudes and be safe.
> In unicorn/butterfly land, girls don't get trafficked or raped.
> In unicorn/butterfly land my daughter is safe, walking anywhere, anytime.
> All grown women understand this extremely unfair reality, and we hate it, btw.
> 
> Men need to raise men, strong, loving men.
> 
> In the real world; my opinion is that OP did exactly what she wanted. This thread just hopped up her story.


It is not just unsafe out there for women. Men are the victims of violent crime much more frequently.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I have been following this thread and do not understand the hesitation. Here are my thoughts:

1. The guy is a giant piece of infected ****!!!! And needs to be dealt with accordingly by someone! No question. He knew she was married, under the influence and he casually goes up to her bed and screws her. And then tries to befriend her on FB so that he can come back for more. I do not understand any hesitation in taking him down.

2. She (the OP) behaved very badly here. She is not a child. She took some strong stuff and combined it with alcohol. None of her defense mechanisms were activated - in fact she seemed to be having a "good time" with someone who wasn't unattractive. Not wife or even girlfriend material. Needs to be dropped - no blame assignment, no other questions. If she was raped, the onus is on her to battle this one out.


----------



## Diana7

ArthurGPym said:


> OP I believe your story. I too have had this kind of experience, except in reverse. It was 1986, Santa Monica, California. I was playing in a band and we had finished our gig at around 9:00 p.m. (we were the "warm up" band... fluffers for the main act). After dropping our gear off we went to a party at a friend's apartment in West Hollywood. There must have been twenty-five people there. By 11:00 p.m. I was drunk as a skunk and baked out of my gourd on some good Acapulco. Then someone offered me a blotter and I swallowed it. I mean, that's what you do right? And I waited to see what happened. Nothing. I waited and waited. Nothing. At one point I even complained "Dude this is sh^t acid! Where d'ya get this stuff?" No sooner had I said this when that sh*t kicked in. The room collapsed and I was sucked into a smeared, boiling vortex of color, as bolts of electricity shot through my head. It smelled like cinnamon. All my friends dematerialized into caricatures of the Flintstones and BAMMMMO! I am gone... flying into the center of the universe... soaring out beyond the Kuiper Belt with Voyager II. No mind, no body, completely existing as wavelength.
> 
> After several hours on the cosmic rollercoaster the trip ends and my eyes pop open. I am flat on my back, in a bed, with my head dangling off the edge. It is bright sunny daylight. I'm staring blurrily out a patio door at a blond monkey who is just hanging there staring back at me. No... wait... it's not a monkey, it's a cat, sitting at the patio door looking at me with contempt. I'm looking back at her upside down. I lift my head up as daggers are driven into the base of my skull and a wave of nausea hits. I do a reverse tumble off the bed, stagger to my feet and lunge at the bathroom. I make it just in time to heave three gallons of transmogrified booze and Doritos into the toilet. The toilet smells like female. I remember that to this day: a woman's toilet smells different than a guy's. When the waves are over I stumble back into the bedroom and spy a gorgeous, tanned hip and calf sticking out from under a comforter. Upon closer inspection that beautiful leg is connected to an equally beautiful blond. She had big hair and those red plastic hoop earrings. It was the '80s. I have no clue who she is.
> 
> I can't find my clothes, so I creep out the bedroom as quietly as I can and I spy a heap of clothes down at the bottom of the stairs. I slink buck-ass naked down the stairs and hop around getting my pants on. Where's my shirt. O wait! I didn't wear a shirt, just my leather vest! It's the '80s. Then to my horror I look over and there is a chick in the kitchen staring at me and smiling. "Good morning, Sunshine!" Why do they always say that? I smile back, grab my boots, wave goodbye to the roommate and stumble out the door. I get to the end of the driveway and sit down to put on my boots. No socks! I left my socks inside. F*ck it, I'm not going back in. I slip my bare feet into my Justin snakeskins and stagger down the street, trying to figure out where I am. I walk probably three miles without socks through foreign neighborhoods until I find a 7-Eleven and I ask the guy behind the counter where I am at. "Huntington Beach" he blandly answers, looking at me with that kind of look that tells you the person you're talking to thinks you're a douche.
> 
> Huntington Beach. Orange County. Fifty miles and a good hour and a half drive from West Hollywood. Somehow, some way, I hooked up with a girl I didn't know at the party, traveled south for fifty miles, had sex with her and slept another six hours or so, and I don't remember anything. Not one damn thing. Whatever was in that blotter blew my freaking brains out. I know now it wasn't just LSD. Or if it was LSD, then it was 100% pharmaceutical-grade Dr. Who juice that could launch a herd of blue whales to the moon and back. I'm thinking now it was maybe DMT, but DMT wasn't really around back then. Or maybe it was a mix of LSD and mescaline. Who knows? It was a stupid f*cking to do, that is all I know. I never knew who that girl was, or how we got that house. It was as if twelve hours of my life went missing.
> 
> So yeah, I believe the OP when she says she remembers nothing. And I wish her the best and hope hubby is merciful.


Maybe it depends on the drug.


----------



## DonJuan

Kgs-95 said:


> This might be all over the place. I am not sure where else to go for advice. My husband(30) and i(27) have been married for three years. I could not ask for a better husband. He is a great person and I have been lucky to find him and have him. We have a very good marriage and make a good team. We are both happy and in love.
> 
> 
> This next part is hard to type out. I have done something horrible. Any judgement you throw my way I understand and already know. I know this probably won't be received well and I get it. I just want some practical advice on revealing this to my husband and dealing with the aftermath.
> 
> 
> A few weeks ago I went to my hometown for the weekend to catch up with family and some friends. It is a 2 hour drive. My husband was supposed to come with me but couldn't last second because of work. He felt bad and told me I should still go because I haven't seen my family in a while. Normally he would be with me and it was unusual that he couldn't come. Saturday night I went out with a few friends to go eat. We later went to a bar and a few other people showed up. We were all drinking but I was fine at the time. Later some of us went back to the house that we had rented. We continued drinking and my friend and I took something. I had consumed way more alcohol then I usually ever do and this stupid choice to take something put me over the edge into a blackout. This is my best guess but maybe an hour later is where my memory of the night ends. 5am I wake up to use the bathroom and realize a guy is next to me in bed. I don't remember anything sexual but I know it happened. I talked to him the next day to try to understand what happened but he wasnt any help. I have no details and no idea how it got to that point.
> 
> 
> The magnitude of what happened has really hit me. I think I was in shock\denial the first few days. I have been feeling a ton of guilt and shame. I have been a total mess and my husband is concerned. I have not been able to bring myself to talk him yet. This is something that happened because of alcohol\drugs and something that I would never do. I know I made many terrible and irresponsible choices that led to it. I have no interest in any other men and am 100% committed to my husband and marriage.
> 
> 
> I have talked to my 2 close friends who were with me. They didn't know anything about it and were surprised so it must have been after everyone left or went to sleep. No one else saw the lead up to it.
> 
> 
> I was looking for advice on telling my husband and doing my best to keep my marriage together after. This is going to devastate my husband. I am not going to be able to tell him how it happened, what we did, or even much about this guy. I have met him a few times over the years but we were never friends. I can't believe this happened and I really need advice.


If he’s like me, he won’t care how it happened, just that it happened. Sounds like you want to tell him about the sex with another person, but not any details. He may not want to know any details. Being drunk and on narcotics wouldn’t make a difference to me. You chose it, and it sounds as if you chose it to try and use it to alleviate any guilt or responsibility. Try asking yourself, what would you do if the roles were reversed, and he got drunk, took a pill, and oops. Don’t remember anything. How are you sure he raped you, or had sex with you? I thought having sex with an unconscious person was a crime, or was you conscious but can’t remember anything?


----------



## ArthurGPym

There was no rape IMO. There is not a court on this planet that would find this guy guilty of rape. And even if a prosecutor was dumb enough to bring such a charge to court, a grand jury would toss the complaint out immediately. 

OP willingly took a powerful narcotic, knowing full well what it was, knowing the moment she swallowed it that this drug combined with alcohol would very likely launch her into a fugue state and lower her inhibitions. No one slipped a mickey in her drink while she wasn't looking. She knew beforehand there would most likely be drugs at this gathering and that she was going to partake. While she was on her self-indulgent high, a cute guy came to her bed and, in her uninhibited condition, she consensually had sex with him. There *was* consent between the two of them, it was just a different level of consent... not the same level of consent that the majority of us here would give while in a lucid, un-inebriated state. 

So, IMO the husband has some hard decisions to make. I cannot judge this woman or her husband for their lifestyle choices, because I too lived a very reckless and unhealthy life up until I was in my mid-30s. I am the last person on TAM to qualified to cast stones at this lady. I do hope her husband finds it in him to give her grace for a very stupid act, and more forgiveness for how she handled it afterwards (i.e. having unprotected sex with him). It will be a bitter pill for him to swallow. They both have a lot of growing up to do.


----------



## TOMTEFAR

ArthurGPym said:


> There was no rape IMO. There is not a court on this planet that would find this guy guilty of rape. And even if a prosecutor was dumb enough to bring such a charge to court, a grand jury would toss the complaint out immediately.
> 
> OP willingly took a powerful narcotic, knowing full well what it was, knowing the moment she swallowed it that this drug combined with alcohol would very likely launch her into a fugue state and lower her inhibitions. No one slipped a mickey in her drink while she wasn't looking. She knew beforehand there would most likely be drugs at this gathering and that she was going to partake. While she was on her self-indulgent high, a cute guy came to her bed and, in her uninhibited condition, she consensually had sex with him. There *was* consent between the two of them, it was just a different level of consent... not the same level of consent that the majority of us here would give while in a lucid, un-inebriated state.
> 
> So, IMO the husband has some hard decisions to make. I cannot judge this woman or her husband for their lifestyle choices, because I too lived a very reckless and unhealthy life up until I was in my mid-30s. I am the last person on TAM to qualified to cast stones at this lady. I do hope her husband finds it in him to give her grace for a very stupid act, and more forgiveness for how she handled it afterwards (i.e. having unprotected sex with him). It will be a bitter pill for him to swallow. They both have a lot of growing up to do.


Actually there are courts on this planet that would. In my country it would. However depending on how drunk/high the guy was the rape charge could go both ways. Taking advantage of an incapacitated/drunk/high person sexually is considered rape in my country.


----------



## EleGirl

gameopoly5 said:


> This falls under the crime of, drink or drug-facilitated rape.
> But because you have not gone to the police and reported this and this happened weeks ago, you`re going to have a difficult task proving you were raped including placing your husband at risk of STDs.
> Sorry, but regardless it`s not going to be easy for you to convince your husband that you did not cheat on him and this isn`t just another cheating wife story.
> As regards the risk of STDs, HIV and aids, it is your duty to inform your husband and if your story is true, than go to the police and make a report.
> Otherwise as I said, this is going to be construed as just another cheating wife story.


If the guy was a drunk and high as she was, it's not rape.


----------



## Jamieboy

EleGirl said:


> If the guy was a drunk and high as she was, it's not rape.


You're the second person to make this assertion. 

So by your logic if I come across a drunk high woman while I'm equally wasted, I'm free to f her even against her will??????

The mental state of a rapist is immaterial. I'm not saying the op was raped, just that your statement is wrong and dangerous


----------



## BigDaddyNY

EleGirl said:


> If the guy was a drunk and high as she was, it's not rape.


I think this is wrong, legally speaking. If you are as drunk and high as the person you murder, is it not murder? Isn't that the same logic?

I know it is a messed up circle. Consent must be freely given and if you are mentally incapacitated by intoxicants you can't freely consent. However, if you are in that same mental state and harm someone (assault, rape, vehicular manslaughter, murder) you are held responsible.


----------



## Cynthia

No matter how messed up you are, having sex with an unconscious person is rape.
If she had called 911 the first time she woke up, he would very likely be charged with, and probably convicted of, rape.


----------



## SunCMars

In court, it is those rational minds of judges and juries that adjudicate the irrational actions of others.

Discretion, and mitigating circumstances, then become additional means to come to a verdict. 

Since, life is not black and white, nor can our law and punishment be this.

Logic would tell us she went to her rented house to get high and feel good, not to hook up with anyone.

Her words suggest this, as did her friends.

But, the two people involved claim they do not remember.

Only the fly on the wall, knows for sure, and she is not available for comment.


There is no doubt in my mind that the POSOM took advantage of her, but that remains my gut feeling and conjecture.


There are some here, notably, a few ladies, who (think) she got what she deserved for acting so recklessly.

I disagree.


----------



## Megaforce

ArthurGPym said:


> There was no rape IMO. There is not a court on this planet that would find this guy guilty of rape. And even if a prosecutor was dumb enough to bring such a charge to court, a grand jury would toss the complaint out immediately.
> 
> OP willingly took a powerful narcotic, knowing full well what it was, knowing the moment she swallowed it that this drug combined with alcohol would very likely launch her into a fugue state and lower her inhibitions. No one slipped a mickey in her drink while she wasn't looking. She knew beforehand there would most likely be drugs at this gathering and that she was going to partake. While she was on her self-indulgent high, a cute guy came to her bed and, in her uninhibited condition, she consensually had sex with him. There *was* consent between the two of them, it was just a different level of consent... not the same level of consent that the majority of us here would give while in a lucid, un-inebriated state.
> 
> So, IMO the husband has some hard decisions to make. I cannot judge this woman or her husband for their lifestyle choices, because I too lived a very reckless and unhealthy life up until I was in my mid-30s. I am the last person on TAM to qualified to cast stones at this lady. I do hope her husband finds it in him to give her grace for a very stupid act, and more forgiveness for how she handled it afterwards (i.e. having unprotected sex with him). It will be a bitter pill for him to swallow. They both have a lot of growing up to do.


Grand juries have nothing to do with cases being thrown out of court.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Megaforce said:


> Grand juries have nothing to do with cases being thrown out of court.


Grand juries pass indictments. It differs from state to state.


----------



## Megaforce

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think this is wrong, legally speaking. If you are as drunk and high as the person you murder, is it not murder? Isn't that the same logic?
> 
> I know it is a messed up circle. Consent must be freely given and if you are mentally incapacitated by intoxicants you can't freely consent. However, if you are in that same mental state and harm someone (assault, rape, vehicular manslaughter, murder) you are held responsible.


I think the point is that if a man is too drunk to consent and a woman has sex with him, it is non consensual and thus sexual assault by the woman.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Cynthia said:


> No matter how messed up you are, having sex with an unconscious person is rape.
> If she had called 911 the first time she woke up, he would very likely be charged with, and probably convicted of, rape.


I disagree. Maybe a misguided detective would charge him, but that does not mean it is right. I doubt very highly, from what she has said, that she just laid there like a starfish as he did his business.


----------



## Megaforce

ArthurGPym said:


> Grand juries pass indictments. It differs from state to state.


Indictments occur before going to court. Once in trial, a judge could dismiss. Unlikely, though. Maybe a directed verdict.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Jamieboy said:


> You're the second person to make this assertion.
> 
> So by your logic if I come across a drunk high woman while I'm equally wasted, I'm free to f her even against her will??????
> 
> The mental state of a rapist is immaterial. I'm not saying the op was raped, just that your statement is wrong and dangerous


Where at any time did OP say it was done against her will?


----------



## Megaforce

ArthurGPym said:


> I disagree. Maybe a misguided detective would charge him, but that does not mean it is right. I doubt very highly, from what she has said, that she just laid there like a starfish as he did his business.


No evidence she was unconscious. Just speculation.


----------



## Megaforce

ArthurGPym said:


> Where at any time did OP say it was done against her will?


Good point. Folks are injecting their own facts.


----------



## Megaforce

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think this is wrong, legally speaking. If you are as drunk and high as the person you murder, is it not murder? Isn't that the same logic?
> 
> I know it is a messed up circle. Consent must be freely given and if you are mentally incapacitated by intoxicants you can't freely consent. However, if you are in that same mental state and harm someone (assault, rape, vehicular manslaughter, murder) you are held responsible.


Not really, as one cannot consent to murder regardless of intoxication or being sober. Sex can be consented to.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Jamieboy said:


> You're the second person to make this assertion.
> 
> So by your logic if I come across a drunk high woman while I'm equally wasted, I'm free to f her even against her will??????
> 
> The mental state of a rapist is immaterial. I'm not saying the op was raped, just that your statement is wrong and dangerous


The problem in this situation, even the OP does not know if she was participating or not, was she passed out or just blacked out and an active participant? That is the million dollar question. Fact guy remained in bed with her and sent FB request adds to the question.

It is just... being that if she was not passed out, but blacked out, and he was also intoxicated and she was a active participant, then they can both be charged, because neither was in state of mind to give consent. I've been there, girls I would NOT have gone there with had i not been in blacked out intoxicated state.


I wonder if she can go to hypnotists and see if anything can be discovered from being hypnotized. Problem is if it was discovered that in the moment she was coherent and into it, but blacked out, it would damage her marriage even more.


----------



## Megaforce

Divinely Favored said:


> The problem in this situation, even the OP does not know if she was participating or not, was she passed out or just blacked out and an active participant? That is the million dollar question. Fact guy remained in bed with her and sent FB request adds to the question.
> 
> It is just... being that if she was not passed out, but blacked out, and he was also intoxicated and she was a active participant, then they can both be charged, because neither was in state of mind to give consent. I've been there, girls I would NOT have gone there with had i not been in blacked out intoxicated state.
> 
> 
> I wonder if she can go to hypnotists and see if anything can be discovered from being hypnotized. Problem is if it was discovered that in the moment she was coherent and into it, but blacked out, it would damage her marriage even more.


I think a lot of folks are confused between a blackout and being unconscious. From what I have heard, folks in a blackout, often, appear perfectly normal. So another person would be unable to perceive the inability to consent. 
She is an experienced drug user and drinker. She may well have seemed fine. We just do not know.


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## ArthurGPym

Megaforce said:


> Indictments occur before going to court.


No, the grand jury passes or fails the complaints filed by the prosecuting attorney. A "true bill" indictment tells the court that there is enough cause and enough evidence to warrant bringing the suspect before the court for trial. Then the case is set for trial where the defendant is brought to be judged. Then a 12-person trial jury is selected: a different jury, that makes a finding of guilt or innocence. I sat on a grand jury for about three months and we passed something like twenty "true bills" and we probably passed that many "false bills" where the complaint was thrown out . There were 23 of us and we were all pissed and irritated that we had to give up one day a week for months. In some states the employer is not required to pay you for the days you miss if you are on grand jury if you are a wage earner. I had to go to the courthouse every Wednesday for three months. The only thing they gave us was some compensatory pay for gas and provided us lunch tickets for the courthouse cafeteria. We had to sit at a reserved table and we had a court officer there to make sure we did not talk to anyone.


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## ConanHub

Jamieboy said:


> You're the second person to make this assertion.
> 
> So by your logic if I come across a drunk high woman while I'm equally wasted, I'm free to f her even against her will??????
> 
> The mental state of a rapist is immaterial. I'm not saying the op was raped, just that your statement is wrong and dangerous


Her statement is neither wrong nor dangerous because you are making assumptions that cannot be verified by facts.


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## ConanHub

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think this is wrong, legally speaking. If you are as drunk and high as the person you murder, is it not murder? Isn't that the same logic?
> 
> I know it is a messed up circle. Consent must be freely given and if you are mentally incapacitated by intoxicants you can't freely consent. However, if you are in that same mental state and harm someone (assault, rape, vehicular manslaughter, murder) you are held responsible.


The difference between murder and sex is it usually does take two to tango with sex.

There is absolutely no factual information to indicate assault though there is enough about the guy for me to think ill of him.


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## Megaforce

ArthurGPym said:


> No, the grand jury passes or fails the complaints filed by the prosecuting attorney. A "true bill" indictment tells the court that there is enough cause and enough evidence to warrant bringing the suspect before the court for trial. Then the case is set for trial where the defendant is brought to be judged. Then a 12-person trial jury is selected: a different jury, that makes a finding of guilt or innocence. I sat on a grand jury for about three months and we passed something like twenty "true bills" and we probably passed that many "false bills" where the complaint was thrown out . There were 23 of us and we were all pissed and irritated that we had to give up one day a week for months. In some states the employer is not required to pay you for the days you miss if you are on grand jury if you are a wage earner. I had to go to the courthouse every Wednesday for three months. The only thing they gave us was some compensatory pay for gas and provided us lunch tickets for the courthouse cafeteria. We had to sit at a reserved table and we had a court officer there to make sure we did not talk to anyone.


Right, but the case had not gone to trial. I guess it is semantics. I do not consider it being " in court" at that stage.
I agree it is unlikely a Grand Jury would indict. But, as you know, the Grand Jury hears only the prosecution's version. So, perhaps it would indict.


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## BigDaddyNY

Megaforce said:


> I think the point is that if a man is too drunk to consent and a woman has sex with him, it is non consensual and thus sexual assault by the woman.


That isn't what I got out of her comment. She said: "If the guy was a drunk and high as she was, it's not rape. " I took that to mean that since they were both equally out of it he somehow wasn't responsible for his actions.



Megaforce said:


> Not really, as one cannot consent to murder regardless of intoxication or being sober. Sex can be consented to.


My point wasn't about the consent side of things. Dovetailing with my prior comment here, I was referring to intoxication not absolving you from responsibility when you commit a crime.



Divinely Favored said:


> The problem in this situation, even the OP does not know if she was participating or not, was she passed out or just blacked out and an active participant? That is the million dollar question. Fact guy remained in bed with her and sent FB request adds to the question.
> 
> It is just... being that if she was not passed out, but blacked out, and he was also intoxicated and she was a active participant, then they can both be charged, because neither was in state of mind to give consent. I've been there, girls I would NOT have gone there with had i not been in blacked out intoxicated state.
> 
> 
> I wonder if she can go to hypnotists and see if anything can be discovered from being hypnotized. Problem is if it was discovered that in the moment she was coherent and into it, but blacked out, it would damage her marriage even more.


In this case though the OP has no memory from the time she was taken to bed until the time she woke up naked. She also had a friend check on her at some point and she was asleep/passed out, and alone. At some point that guy took it upon himself to go to the other floor of the house, enter her room and engaged in sex with her. He also remembered it all when she asked in the morning. It is all circumstantial, but in my view there is more than enough there to say he at least took advantage of her, if not raped her.


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## Megaforce

Well, if they are both drunk, I guess it is mutual rape.

Intoxication is no defense to any crime. You are right. I should have read more carefully.


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## ArthurGPym

Megaforce said:


> Right, but the case had not gone to trial. I guess it is semantics. I do not consider it being " in court" at that stage.
> I agree it is unlikely a Grand Jury would indict. But, as you know, the Grand Jury hears only the prosecution's version. So, perhaps it would indict.


It's because TV and movies always get it wrong. To tell you the truth, I never even knew what a grand jury was until I was in one. It was eye opening and exasperating. I think the reason you don't hear much about grand juries nowadays is because most states only use them for capital cases like murder, arson, grand larceny and the really bad sex offenses. I don't think the drug courts even use grand juries anymore because it is just too expensive to organize them and run them.


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## EleGirl

Jamieboy said:


> You're the second person to make this assertion.
> 
> So by your logic if I come across a drunk high woman while I'm equally wasted, I'm free to f her even against her will??????
> 
> The mental state of a rapist is immaterial. I'm not saying the op was raped, just that your statement is wrong and dangerous


How does she prove that she did not give consent? They are both wasted. For all we know she did give consent in her wasted state. I've seen people appear to be very much aware of what they are doing when high as a kite on drugs and/or alcohol. Later, when they are sober they can't recall anything they did. This is not unusual.


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## Jamieboy

ConanHub said:


> Her statement is neither wrong nor dangerous because you are making assumptions that cannot be verified by facts.


Yes it is wrong, because she's saying that if the perpetrator of rape is as wasted as the victim its not rape. 

I'm not referring to the case with the OP, I'm referring to elegirls statement


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## ConanHub

Jamieboy said:


> Yes it is wrong, because she's saying that if the perpetrator of rape is as wasted as the victim its not rape.
> 
> I'm not referring to the case with the OP, I'm referring to elegirls statement


Ok. She was referring to this thread though.

Your statement is equally true of both wasted people and that would be an interesting case to see play out. I don't know that any DA would want to press charges against both participants for sexual assault though.🤓


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## Divinely Favored

BigDaddyNY said:


> That isn't what I got out of her comment. She said: "If the guy was a drunk and high as she was, it's not rape. " I took that to mean that since they were both equally out of it he somehow wasn't responsible for his actions.
> 
> 
> My point wasn't about the consent side of things. Dovetailing with my prior comment here, I was referring to intoxication not absolving you from responsibility when you commit a crime.
> 
> 
> In this case though the OP has no memory from the time she was taken to bed until the time she woke up naked. She also had a friend check on her at some point and she was asleep/passed out, and alone. At some point that guy took it upon himself to go to the other floor of the house, enter her room and engaged in sex with her. He also remembered it all when she asked in the morning. It is all circumstantial, but in my view there is more than enough there to say he at least took advantage of her, if not raped her.


He remembered that they had sex but could not elaborate. Friend did not say if she was asleep or passed out. Passed out, yes rape. Asleep and waking up and participating in sex in blackout state is another story. 

Be nice if a hypnotist could get something out of it.


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## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> I think a lot of folks are confused between a blackout and being unconscious. From what I have heard, folks in a blackout, often, appear perfectly normal. So another person would be unable to perceive the inability to consent.
> She is an experienced drug user and drinker. She may well have seemed fine. We just do not know.


Exactly, I have driven quite a ways and made out, had sex for hours and then driven home and remember none of it. I am sure I was aware in the moment but I was drunk to the point I did not retain any of it to memory.


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## Young at Heart

I would like to suggest that the moderators step in and take several of the "rape" comments out and move them start a new thread somewhere else. This has gone on for far too long.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator warning:- *Stop the rape debate. It's not helping @Kgs-95. Any more debate on rape and bans will be happening.

As @Young at Heart has suggested if you feel the need to debate rape in a general manner, start another thread. But do not continue it in this thread.


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## FakeNews001

Just a note that that my previous post landed at the same time as MattMatt's (so I didn't see it before posting).


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## DosEquis

How are you OP?


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## ConanHub

Young at Heart said:


> I would like to suggest that the moderators step in and take several of the "rape" comments out and move them start a new thread somewhere else. This has gone on for far too long.


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