# Opening up about fantasies



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I've gotten some great advice from a lot of you on here so far and for that I am grateful. My sex life has gotten more comfortable for me and I think what we need is a little more spice to up our frequency. My husband has gotten LD since about 5 years ago and I'm still HD. My question is how do I tell my husband about my fantasies and get him to open up about his. Of course we both talked while we were dating about a threesome and agreed that would just be something we would share and never do epspecially once we got married. He knows that I like being spanked but I don't think he understands how much I like it. I also love when he tells me what to do in the bedroom. I can't fully open up to him about what I want. We've become boring, it's still great but it needs a little spice.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tell him that the next time you have sex, you want him to tell you what to do, including by starting by him telling you to go to the bedroom. That way he can do it when he's ready and you can promise to do whatever he tells you to do (set up rules before hand if anything may be off limits).


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Is he the type to get turned on by hearing your fantasies or feel threatened by them?


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is he the type to get turned on by hearing your fantasies or feel threatened by them?


I can't really tell. We only ever discuss the threesome one which we share. He says he doesn't have any other than that and hasn't ever asked me if I have any other than that. I always bring it up by asking what his fantasies are in hopes that he will ask me what mine are. I couldn't tell if he enjoyed the spanking or not. He laughed a little in disbelief when I asked him to do it, because I had some wine, but he did it when he was sure I wanted it. I can't read him. Except like most guys I've met he's really turned on by the thought of two women at once.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm sensing he's uncomfortable opening up about his fantasies. It does in a way make us vulnerable when we reveal them. The fear of course being perceived as perverted or even worse being ridiculed. 

My suggestion is start by revealing some of yours. Hopefully once he see's you trust him enough to open up about your fantasies he will be inclined to do the same. 

Personally, I think it's a wonderful way for partners in a committed relationship to get to know one another. It does require trust though.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Maybe send him a fun email about your fantasies. He could feel put on the spot if you just ask, and not share his thoughts as openly. This could be an opportunity for him to think about it and type his thoughts out. Maybe there would be less pressure or nerves of feeling put on the spot.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I have scandalous fantasies (mostly BDSM) and I think they'll only stay in my head. Maybe I'd say them if I thought there was a chance in hell that my husband would oblige, but since I can't imagine that he would be interested at all, I don't think there is a point. Especially since I feel it is taboo.

It sounds like you've told your husband your fantasies already about the spanking. I guess he's just not into it? I'd love for my husband to do that, too. But if he asked me to spank him, I don't know if I could bring myself to do it, so that's why I don't ask - I know how I'd feel about being asked to do something I didn't want to do.

A few months ago, my H and I went away for a weekend, and I bought the very light bondage game, I think it's called Fantasy Island or Pleasure Island, with blindfolds, and spanking. Maybe that's a good way to break the ice.

I was very excited to play this with my husband and he went along with it, but he wasn't into it at all. Oh well. I'll just vicariously live through the erotic books that I read.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> I have scandalous fantasies (mostly BDSM) and I think they'll only stay in my head. Maybe I'd say them if I thought there was a chance in hell that my husband would oblige, but since I can't imagine that he would be interested at all, I don't think there is a point. Especially since I feel it is taboo.


I could envision that if you revealed these fantasies he may feel you're asking him to engage in them which may not be something he's interested in. That could cause some defensiveness. Is there a way to discuss them such that he didn't feel you were asking him to make them happen? It could stimulate some serious arousal.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Yeah, I think revealing your fantasies with your spouse is like playing a game of chicken. My wife and I are really starting to open up sexually with each other, but I still feel like she isn't sharing her fantasies with me...at least all of them.

I know I haven't shared everything with her. It is like playing chicken a little. I start with the smaller things like what I'd like her to wear during sex (i.e. thigh highs, stripper heels, etc.). I haven't revealed my desire to make a sex tape with her because the fantasies she has revealed to me wouldn't warrent that to be revealed yet. Its hard trying to get your spouse to really open up because we probably don't completely due to our desire not to look crazy.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.

Even when my wife talks about sex and the things she likes I struggle to open up and tell her my desires, perhaps in fear that her shock or disapproval of my hardcore desires might end our relationship or perhaps because the way our partner judges us means a lot more than the judgement by others. It is more comfortable to pretend you don't like something when in fact you do.

I have accepted that my lifelong desires to dominate women are not so taboo (thanks to feedback on this forum), but I am struggling to face my wife with those needs, partly because they might shock her. I pretty much suppressed those feelings for most of my life and it is only now I am starting to speak publicly of them. 

Good posts above! Thanks for the OP hopelesslove, I hope by reflecting on my situation, as a man, it might add some insight into your husbands feelings... perhaps.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Henri said:


> It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.


So true. Why is that? Is it fear of embarrassment? rejection? being laughed at? being thought less of.

With the support from this forum, any day now, when the timing is right (which it never seems to be...but I'll do it soon....one day.... imminently...) I will be having the courage to discuss with my husband, not my fantasies - that's asking too much - but my sexual desires and what I'd like him to try, and do different, and books I'd like him to read, and things that feel good. So I'll start there and see how it goes. That's step one for me. Who knows if fantasies will follow.

Why in the world is it so hard to talk about these things? And I have a strong feeling that when I finally do - when I finally get the courage speak up, that it will not be a conversation. It will be me talking, and him saying, "ok," and things staying exactly the same.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> Why in the world is it so hard to talk about these things? And I have a strong feeling that when I finally do - when I finally get the courage speak up, that it will not be a conversation. It will be me talking, and him saying, "ok," and things staying exactly the same.


Speaking for myself, I find that I can have a predicated conversation in my head, where I have the answer even as I am talking to my partner (I don't wait for their reply). It is because of that "Strong feeling" you mention, when I feel strongly about something I find it hard to talk and I imagine a negative reply.

I might not give my wife a chance to say more than "OK" because I am already running in front of her. She may have never considered my proposals in as much depth as I have so when it is an important topic for me then I have to remember to hold back and let her digest what I am saying, check with her own emotions/memories/hopes and then get back to me. (Easily said, I don't often follow my own advice lol ).

On some topics that might take minutes or even a day. This is why I feel that I get an "OK" when I was expecting and hopping for more. I guess all we can do is 'drops some seeds' and let them sprout over time into something we can enjoy...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Much has been made of "trickle truth" in this forum, of course in an entirely different context. It would be my suggestion that the revelation of fantasies follow a similar pattern. 

You may not want to throw it all out there at once. Reveal the more minor things first and based on your partners response give out more as you feel more comfortable about their potential response.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I purchased a book entitled "My Secret Fantasies.. The Lover's Book of Sharing" by Kate F. Moore at Barnes and Noble. It is a book with lots of very simple questions to answer. There are many topics listed and the reader checks the boxes "ordinary" "exciting" or "uncomfortable" next to each topic or statement. In other sections, there are sentences that the reader completes or comments on. 

I purchased two identical books and my wife and I each filled out our own book with answers. It was VERY interesting to read what my wife's fantasies involved. I like this book because it is non threatening and very simple. It will spark some great conversations along with a bottle of wine next to the fireplace! :smthumbup:


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## melanie_m (Nov 27, 2012)

Try sending him a text or an e-mail with some positions you'd like to try.
There are a lot of apps that allow sending something like KamaSutra pics from your phone - check this for example.

Start with this and see if it works :smthumbup:


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I definitely think talking does lay it all out there and makes you vulnerable. Plus talking sorta takes the fun out of it. When hubby's in the moment he's open to a lot more adventure and he sparked some of these fantasies I now have with him. He's been very dominant and he's pinned me down/ told me what he's wanted. Now I can't help but want more of that. I will definitely try the emails and maybe even pack some stuff for the trip we have coming up soon.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Why do you struggle to open up to her? That part I don't understand and feel like my BF is doing the same. I'm wanting to hear what his fantasies are. And guess what, if you tell me I might just want to do them with you. That's why I'm asking. Lol. 


[


Henri said:


> It is ironic that the people we want to be most intimate with are those with whom we feel it is hardest to share our deepest desires.
> 
> Even when my wife talks about sex and the things she likes I struggle to open up and tell her my desires, perhaps in fear that her shock or disapproval of my hardcore desires might end our relationship or perhaps because the way our partner judges us means a lot more than the judgement by others. It is more comfortable to pretend you don't like something when in fact you do.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> Why do you struggle to open up to her? That part I don't understand and feel like my BF is doing the same. I'm wanting to hear what his fantasies are. And guess what, if you tell me I might just want to do them with you. That's why I'm asking. Lol.
> 
> 
> [
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Lovesong
My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship. In a way I turn to my wife when I define myself, when she says I am handsome I feel positive, for example. I don't mean I depend on her (I know myself), but rather I consider her perception of me as being a gage of the quality of our relationship. Whilst she communicates love, attraction, intimacy and respect I feel the relationship is working.

So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship.

In a worse case scenario perhaps it could end a healthy relationship or mean I have to oppress myself for the rest of our married lives, but this is what I must consider. A bit extreme you might think, but I am trying to explain why it is hard to tell my partner. 

What do you think about that, I would be interested if you think these ideas applies to you and/or your partner (or others reading this)?


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Lovesong
> My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship. In a way I turn to my wife when I define myself, when she says I am handsome I feel positive, for example. I don't mean I depend on her (I know myself), but rather I consider her perception of me as being a gage of the quality of our relationship. Whilst she communicates love, attraction, intimacy and respect I feel the relationship is working.
> 
> *So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship.*
> ...


I don't think it's a matter of reconsidering your self view. I mean they are your fantasies and the other person needs to understand that they are just that if you open up about them. If you guys choose to act them out together so be it, if not then they must continue to live in fantasy world. I guess the question is then can you live with them being just a fantasy if the other person is not game. Also if its the dominating fantasy I think this one is a little harder to share/grasp as I was reading your previous post. This really lays a lot on the table especially if misinterpreted. My husband doesn't seem to get the concept of my wanting to be dominated and he's not seeming open, so that one will be most likely just my dreamworld fantasy.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Hopelesslove
Thaks for the feedback. 
So you think it is better to speak up and explain to your partner?

I was interested to hear your own approach, would you honestly be satisfied to let your desires remain in fantasy world indefinately? I am not sure I would choose so, I am tired of repressing them. Just wondering where you stand on that.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hey Henri, I liked your explanation. That's how I feel too.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Lovesong
> My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship. In a way I turn to my wife when I define myself, when she says I am handsome I feel positive, for example. I don't mean I depend on her (I know myself), but rather I consider her perception of me as being a gage of the quality of our relationship. Whilst she communicates love, attraction, intimacy and respect I feel the relationship is working.
> 
> So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship.
> ...


Got to admit, i couldnt have put this case from my perspective better than you did here Henri. Im not into anything thing like dressing up or role play and Im not into being tied up. My simple fantasy is to find out what my wifes fantasies are and let her enjoy them as long as it doesnt put our marridge at risk, Ive asked and been told oh I like everything you do, But its a real turn off filtering through what she would or wouldnt like and of course the constant thought that Id say or do something that she would be upset be and then be smacked down. Its uncomfortable to have sex when youve just been made to feel like your strange............


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> Hey Henri, I liked your explanation. That's how I feel too.


Hi IslandGirl
Thank you! 

Since posting I have decided I am going to talk to my wife about my desires when the moment is right. I feel more alive when I embrace them as realitic options, my vanilla sex life improves too. I feel more passionate about our relationship. 

In the past when I repressed them I found it had a negative effect on other aspects of our relationship too; life had less spark. Not sure if I am alone in that respect but throw it out there as an observation?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Pault said:


> Got to admit, i couldnt have put this case from my perspective better than you did here Henri. Im not into anything thing like dressing up or role play and Im not into being tied up. My simple fantasy is to find out what my wifes fantasies are and let her enjoy them as long as it doesnt put our marridge at risk, Ive asked and been told oh I like everything you do, But its a real turn off filtering through what she would or wouldnt like and of course the constant thought that Id say or do something that she would be upset be and then be smacked down. *Its uncomfortable to have sex when youve just been made to feel like your strange............*


Thanks for your input Pault. I agree with you, my excitement is also gained from seeing/feeling my wife's excitement, so there is still a lot of give and take even in non-vanilla sex, but it hinges on her acceptance/approval of that as something equally enjoyable. As you say, 'it is uncomfortable to have sex when you have been made to feel like you are strange'. I would say sex is the relationship otherwise it is more like room mates.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think we have a preconceived idea of if our partner will like or dislike a fantasy we have. If we think they would like it, we wouldn't hold back. I bet all of us have told our partner about at least one fantasy we have, even if it's something pretty basic. The less we feel our partner will be acceptive of our fantasy the more likely we are to not voice it.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Lovesong
> My wife's opinion of me and respect for me is very important to me and our relationship...
> 
> So if I were to lay my cards on the table and for her to judge me as being not the person she wants to be with or she starts to see me as a bad/sick person, would mean I would need to reconsider my self view and our relationship...
> ...


I get that you want her good regard and don't want to lose that. I'm sure that is my BFs fear too (and my ex-hubby's who once said he 'feared he was a bad person'). I guess there is NOTHING that would put me off that you might say. In fact, your fear piques my interest because I think you might think they are worse than they are. After all, they are fantasies, make believe. It would be different if you confessed to being a Ted Bundy in reality! Yes, that would freak me out. But sex fantasy? I just can't imagine what would put me off. If anything, it would bring us closer BECAUSE you trusted me enough to tell me. I WANT that closeness. I crave that closeness. Like I said to BF, we should be sharing the things we don't share with everyone else in our lives. That's what makes the relationship intimate and special. 

I'm open to hearing them in a private conversation if you are willing/interested in sharing or 'testing' the ideas out on a neutral female. Willing to provide feedback on 'scale' of possible freak her out if you like.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

When a aprtner shares a fantasy with you, do you feel any pressure to make it a reality, even if the partner says there's no expectation to make it happen? I know that personally I do, but I think that's my own desire to be the best lover I can be.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Lovesong
> 
> In a worse case scenario perhaps it could end a healthy relationship or mean I have to oppress myself for the rest of our married lives, but this is what I must consider. A bit extreme you might think, but I am trying to explain why it is hard to tell my partner.
> 
> What do you think about that, I would be interested if you think these ideas applies to you and/or your partner (or others reading this)?


I think living and oppressing yourself with kill you inside. I tried that for 10 of a 13 yr marriage. It literally nearly killed me. IT's soul destroying. If you, like me, are a passionate person, then it will eat you up. You have to turn pieces of yourself off in order to survive the pain of oppression. You may be stronger than me. In the end, I left. I realized that, at 40, that I didn't want to spend my 40s like that. Life is too short. Like really, too short!


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Pault said:


> ... But its a real turn off filtering through what she would or wouldnt like and of course the constant thought that Id say or do something that she would be upset be and then be smacked down. Its uncomfortable to have sex when youve just been made to feel like your strange............


Have you asked her directly? How is it she made you feel strange? Or are you presuming she will? I think presumptions are unfair to your wife. It is not giving her credit. (This hits a nerve for me of course because I've had two husbands and a LT BF basically say/think like you and Henri). You are not even giving her a chance to accept your deeper self AND you are keeping a big part of who you are a secret. To me, that is sad. Like I said in another response, those secrets are what MAKE a relationship, they deepen the bond, they create closeness and intimacy between two people. After all, your wife, your mate, your chosen one, is the person you should be closest to. 

Open up I say. Give her a chance to reject you first. Just don't assume she will. You will likely be pleasantly surprised. We women are stronger and more accommodating than you might think. Good luck.


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,

Open up to him emotionally. Tell your husband that it's important to you to connect sexually in the bedroom speaking about fantasies and such. Sometimes people need reminders and need to hear it. We can't read each other’s minds. You can also take the lead in the bedroom and tell him what you want and ask him what he wants.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lovesong said:


> Open up I say. Give her a chance to reject you first. Just don't assume she will. You will likely be pleasantly surprised.


I'll jump in because you make a very good point there. I definitely do the pre-rejection of myself.

However, this is a learned thing. My wife rejected sex regularly, and conditioned me to believe I was abnormal for thinking we should have sex several times per week. Given her sexual history I also believed I was sexually repulsive to her. Now knowing of her child sex abuse history the pieces fall into place.

Long story short, she is emotionally capable of pre-scheduled sex. For the most part she is quite willing to do every ordinary thing with me in the context of Saturday night at 10 pm in the bedroom. I have tried sending flirty and a few overtly suggestive texts which she wasn't able to deal with. I have tried initiating at other times, and she gets very anxious.

Her history before me as a teen and into college was promiscuous. I am only starting to learn a bit of what she did, but even that is revealing a lot more than we have ever done.

I believe most of my tame fantasies she did plenty of times with other guys before me. My less tame fantasies are really not very out there but she has likely done many of those too.

So I am not comfortable revealing much to her because I expect to be rejected and then it will bother me knowing she did this with plenty of other men.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Thor said:


> I'll jump in because you make a very good point there. I definitely do the pre-rejection of myself.
> 
> However, this is a learned thing. My wife rejected sex regularly, and conditioned me to believe I was abnormal for thinking we should have sex several times per week. Given her sexual history I also believed I was sexually repulsive to her. Now knowing of her child sex abuse history the pieces fall into place.
> 
> ...


Ugh. I'm sorry for you. Why do you think she is reluctant to do things she has done before? And, I'm struggling with this issue in my own relationship. If this part of our connection is so unfulfilling, should I end it and move on? There are things I really love about this man. But, for how long will I, can I, stay with someone that is not willing to share his very intimate self with me? Right now I'm staying and trying to work at opening him up because we are compatible in other areas. But, when he is here, I find it frustrating in the bedroom. I want it to be fun, adventurous, playful, passionate, etc. I'm not sure we can get there and I feel weird being the lead in this all the time.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> When a aprtner shares a fantasy with you, do you feel any pressure to make it a reality, even if the partner says there's no expectation to make it happen? I know that personally I do, but I think that's my own desire to be the best lover I can be.


I don't know if I feel pressure per se. I think I want to do it and that's why I ask. It's part of the 'hey let's have the best relationship we can have!' attitude that I have. Why else do two people get together? Especially at our age: we are in our 40s, no kids, not going to have them, etc. I want a man in my life for the things I can't do myself (and I can do a lot of things myself! lol), and vice versa. So, for me, it is about giving to the other. Fulfilling his needs, dreams, desires, fantasies, etc. That, not only will be exciting but also it will bring us closer mentally and emotionally. After all, you're not sharing those fantasies with anyone else (or shouldn't be if you are in a relationship). I guess this is the point where many men go to prostitutes. Which, I find so sad if they are married. IF you can't go to your chosen mate, why be with them?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lovesong said:


> Ugh. I'm sorry for you. Why do you think she is reluctant to do things she has done before? And, I'm struggling with this issue in my own relationship. If this part of our connection is so unfulfilling, should I end it and move on? There are things I really love about this man. But, for how long will I, can I, stay with someone that is not willing to share his very intimate self with me? Right now I'm staying and trying to work at opening him up because we are compatible in other areas. But, when he is here, I find it frustrating in the bedroom. I want it to be fun, adventurous, playful, passionate, etc. I'm not sure we can get there and I feel weird being the lead in this all the time.


In my wife's case I think it is related primarily to her child sex abuse. Her history and trajectory with sex seems to be common, or at least one of the common paths. She was promiscuous in high school and into freshman year in college. Then after we met she discovered I was a nice guy (not in a healthy way) and she quickly backed off from her wild ways. The first 6 months with her were pretty hot, but then it cooled off. Then after the wedding, actually starting a few months prior to the wedding, the emotional issues started giving her difficulty with sexuality and emotional intimacy. Once kids came along I refused to divorce (a big strategic mistake). We became sexless.

She never told me fully about her past when we were dating, and now she will only say she was promiscuous but not offer any details. I have stumbled on some things and put 2 + 2 together with what her friends told me years ago and the picture is far different than she painted for me. Though she did tell me a fair amount about some of her serious boyfriends. And the things she did when we first dated indicate she was comfortable and experienced with sex. Not to be too graphic but she was into deep throat, swallowing, sex with the chance of being caught, sex with an audience, 69.

I was jealous of her more than I was jealous of her previous boyfriends. Not just the sex but a lot of things.

Anyhow, we never did most of the things she did with others which are pretty normal, like in the car, on the beach, under the stars, on vacation in the hotel, on the kitchen counter, etc. These are the kinds of mild fantasies I want to do with her. I have approached her about several of them which she finds a way to reject or make impossible. And I would like to do some of the stuff she did with me when we were dating but now she says is unpleasant. It wasn't back then, and she did it with a lot of other men too, but now she says no.

Why she has changed her mind? IDK really but I think it is tied into the complicated psychology of CSA.

Telling her some of my wilder fantasies seems pointless. I am sure she has done some of these but has never told me. If she can't deal with the mild fantasies there is no point in discussing the bigger ones.

I can live without some sex acts but the lack of emotional closeness is the problem. Not being able to talk about it is the symptom. Great sex and doing some of the fantasies would be really nice, but the lack of closeness is the real problem imo. I don't know if any of this applies at all to your situation.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> When a aprtner shares a fantasy with you, do you feel any pressure to make it a reality, even if the partner says there's no expectation to make it happen? I know that personally I do, but I think that's my own desire to be the best lover I can be.


Hi Kingsfan and all
I don't feel pressure, but I feel I need to think and plan on how to make it real (make it happen). 

This is an important point I think and wonder what you and others think: *there is a difference between a fantasy and a fantasy which becomes real.*

Sometimes I think some people (e.g. my wife) is happier with the fantasy than the reality. For me I am ready for the reality. So when I speak of my fantasy, what I am really communicating is my wishes for it to somehow happen. I am not suggesting a story or idea which we can fantasize about and play with our imagination together. I think this is why I hestitate to speak about my "fantasy" whereas my wife may feel it is less risky to speak of her's.

What do people think?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> I think living and oppressing yourself with kill you inside. I tried that for 10 of a 13 yr marriage. It literally nearly killed me. IT's soul destroying. If you, like me, are a passionate person, then it will eat you up. You have to turn pieces of yourself off in order to survive the pain of oppression. You may be stronger than me. In the end, I left. I realized that, at 40, that I didn't want to spend my 40s like that. Life is too short. Like really, too short!


Hi Lovesong
All your posts above our helpful, thank you!
I have reached a stage psychologically, where I am ready to make things happen rather than to dwell on what wonders the future might bring. Perhaps like you in your ealier marriage, I can see the future being precitably the same if I don't act now and present some new ideas to my wife (whilst my wife and I are still "young enough" i.e. mid-30s, no kids). I wonder what it was you tried to oppress for 10 years? (perhaps I should pm you as you offered).


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Kingsfan and all
> I don't feel pressure, but I feel I need to think and plan on how to make it real (make it happen).
> 
> This is an important point I think and wonder what you and others think: *there is a difference between a fantasy and a fantasy which becomes real.*
> ...


I think if you read these boards for a little while you'll see a lot of people agree with you there is a difference between fantasy and fantasy that becomes reality. 

For me, i think it depends on the fantasy. I think if it's a mild fantasy (like sex on a beach) then there likely isn't much harm to making it a reality. The worst that can happen (other than getting arrested for public nudity ) is it isn't as good as you envisioned in your head and as a result it sort of spoils to fantasy for you.

If the fantasy is more severe though, such as a threesome or swinging, then it could pose real harm to the relationship long-term, such as divorce, affairs, etc. For those, to me there is to much risk involved. Of course some people do have success with those, but for me personally it's not something I'd do.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Kingsfan
I agree with the points you make  Life is certainly a learning experience and getting the balance right seems to be key.


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## Elianna (Feb 19, 2013)

My 2 cents...The one and only reason no one opens up is fear of rejection and ridicule. One night stands with wild crazy sex are way easier..there is no emotional attachment or rejection if that is all it is. You have to be able to garner your partners trust..in every aspect of your relationship so is there any area...I mean any, finanically, spiritually etc...once trust is established on all those basic levels the sex life has the potential to blossom. What if they said something that wasn't your cup of tea? To boot, never, ever use your sex life as a weapon when you disagree. The other will close up like a clam. I can say I have been completely utterly honest & open with my husband on all my fantasies but then some of the fun of having a fantasy is it's a secret. I have told my husband things because he wanted to know, it wasn't anything I was ashamed or feared sharing, but it's like a little nugget of yourself that you just like to hold on to. I shared because I loved him and I knew he really wanted to know and boy was I tickled at what he shared back! I mean things that probably the average male would never consent in his psyche to ever admitting. There's a song for that..The Truth Will Set You Free by Mother's Finest. Sometimes it just takes patience...want to get her to tell you...ignore it, act like it's no big deal, in a loving way blow it off. The more pressure you add the worse it'll get. Listen and look for her cues to pleasure in every arena. When you fulfill those pleasures she will be more inclined to fulfill yours. Any who have been severely damaged must be handled with extreme care. Read the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Going to a clinical psychological level about sexuality and the difference between the male & female brains reactions and actions may help but like the book says..it's not actually for the faint of heart. Hope something in here helps.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Fantasy's are thoughts. I have many fantasy and most of them I would never want to experience in real life but they do excite me when I am thinking about them. 

Its funny I can find someone who has the same fantasy and I feel they are very easy to talk too. Its important not to judge someone who has opened up to you and shared their fantasy's as if you say the wrong thing you can really shut them down. 

I once told my wife about a fantasy I had. It shut her down for two weeks she would even talk to me. Guess what? I am very reluctant talk to her about my fantasys now. Rejection is a *****. 

The funny part is now she tell me she feels like I am disconnected at times.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

hopelesslove said:


> I've gotten some great advice from a lot of you on here so far and for that I am grateful. My sex life has gotten more comfortable for me and I think what we need is a little more spice to up our frequency. My husband has gotten LD since about 5 years ago and I'm still HD. My question is how do I tell my husband about my fantasies and get him to open up about his. Of course we both talked while we were dating about a threesome and agreed that would just be something we would share and never do epspecially once we got married. He knows that I like being spanked but I don't think he understands how much I like it. I also love when he tells me what to do in the bedroom. I can't fully open up to him about what I want. We've become boring, it's still great but it needs a little spice.


This is almost my scenario in reverse (but probably more common). I wish I could give some of mine to your hubby and you give my wife some of yours  !


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

melanie_m said:


> Try sending him a text or an e-mail with some positions you'd like to try.
> There are a lot of apps that allow sending something like KamaSutra pics from your phone - check this for example.
> 
> Start with this and see if it works :smthumbup:


:iagree:

Its not even important what you do. Just him knowing that you are thinking about it is going to make a difference if you have never done this sort of thing before.

Wouldnt you like to see his eyes popping out of his head as he reads your little messages.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

If you find talking about fantasies difficult, perhaps it might help to put some 'framework' in place, to help sort them, and remove some of the pressure?

e.g, rather than initially talking about fantasies themselves, talk about them in an abstract sense - that they exist, that lots of people have them, and it's natural. Then perhaps talk about categories of fantasy - that there are different types - some are unfeasible, some scary, some silly. That you might even have categorised some of your own .... what the categories are ...

little steps.

Then you can help make things safer, by noting that some fantasies you really would like to try. Some that might, but might not, and some, which while erotic, are best left as fantasy (e.g. the threesome) - no reason you can't talk about them, on the mutual understanding that they will never happen, and you're ok with that.

Might relieve the pressure, and make things easier ..


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

This is interesting thread..learning alot here.


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