# Not sure how to feel about our future



## Unhappyeverafter (May 9, 2020)

Hey guys, I've been married less than two years and everything and anything possible has been going wrong in my marriage and I'm not sure how to feel or what to think although practically I know what the moral decisions should be. 
To expand on the above, ive been with my spouse for about five years, and met her parents a year before getting married as they live abroad. I knew she was not financially stable at the time up to our wedding and knew she was to a point supporting her family. I ended up paying for the entire wedding. We made up most of our wedding costs in gifts and luckily my parents allowed us to stay with them so we could save more for a down payment on our own place. Two months into our marriage her dad gets sick and needed a heart bypass. They live with their other daughter and her husband while they are in the country. My wife then tells me her parents are entirely dependent on her and her sister. They naturally are mad at their parents since they didn't save any money and constantly over spent and over gifted people their whole life leading to them not being able to keep anything for themselves during retirement and they do not take care of themselves and are obese leading to sickness. 
I've grown up with parents who put us(my sis and I) first and who wouldn't get a coffee in the morning so they could save those few dollars. My parents taught us to save and that's exactly what I've been doing my whole life. My parents are financially stable and have offered to help us with a down payment on a house. 
On the other end now, her dad is sick again with an entirely different issue (yr later) and needs more treatment which is probably life threatening. I feel like ever since we got married all we've been doing is paying her parents regular bills and health bills and this new sickness could potentially bankrupt us and I am so angry and pissed off that this is gonna affect our future and my kids future and if my parents ever get sick that I won't be able to help. Ofcourse morally I have to think that this is her dad and she loves him and money is not an option. But these people have single handedly ruined our future less than two years into our marriage. All I've worked for my entire life in savings has literally disappeared because of her parents inability to think about their own future and the thought of my future family being in debt and not having a future I've worked so hard for is especially difficult for me to take during these times. 
I know this is selfish but that's how I feel. Her parents have worked and lived in the middle East and had plenty opportunity to save money from what she has told me. My parents started poor and lived their life saving every cent for us and are financially stable at this point. What her parents did their entire life is exactly what my parents have taught me not to do. I also feel that since she is entitled to be mad at her parents that it has made me even more angry at them since I barely know them but their irresponsibility with their health and finances is going to ruin our future and potentially our relationship. 
Any advise on how to deal or what to feel or say would be appreciated.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If I were you, I'd divorce. Because I want to have a partner to build _our_ life together with. 

It sounds like this woman and her family are ruining you financially.

Who would be supporting them and paying these bills if you weren't????

Why don't you leave it to to them to sort out their own medical bills? If someone is going to have to file for bankruptcy it should be them, as the bills and debt are theirs, not you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Oh the middle eastern parents.

My friend from the middle east has a set of parents who expect her to pay for their rent, food and whatever they need. They make her feel so guilty. They had a lot of money and lost it due to poor management. She feels trapped, and every time she tries to stand up for herself, they get so dramatic, and cut communication for days, weeks or months. She feels bad and so alone. They start calling again when they need something again. They play emotional games with her. 

It's a vicious cycle. Unless your wife sets boundaries or separates herself completely from her parents their behavior will never stop. 

It's a tough situation you are in.


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## Unhappyeverafter (May 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If I were you, I'd divorce. Because I want to have a partner to build _our_ life together with.
> 
> It sounds like this woman and her family are ruining you financially.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply, I guess I should mention that I do love my wife, apart from her parents everything about her is perfect and I shouldn't put her parents mistakes on her as she's not a fault but the recent fights have been over me not showing any emotion towards her parents and making it more a financial than emotional/understanding thing.


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## Unhappyeverafter (May 9, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Oh the middle eastern parents.
> 
> My friend from the middle east has a set of parents who expect her to pay for their rent, food and whatever they need. They make her feel so guilty. They had a lot of money and lost it due to poor management. She feels trapped, and every time she tries to stand up for herself, they get so dramatic, and cut communication for days, weeks or months. She feels bad and so alone. They start calling again when they need something again. They play emotional games with her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply, 
Yeah, they've (the sisters) tried to set boundaries and manage their spending etc. If anything they are more in control of their relationship with their parents and they make most of the decisions for them. Their bills are basic everyday bills, they're not demanding of money and they're the type of people who will kill you with kindness before anything, so naturally you feel bad and want to help but I feel it's ridiculous to have no savings at all and I guess the most expensive part is the medicals/health. It's just so frustrating. I feel like me and my sister in laws husband are both in the same boat. If it weren't for the parents, my wife and I would be building a great future as both of us have good jobs and have saved a ton but they just keep pulling us back down with their constant medical needs. The other part that frustrates me is that if it weren't for my parents help we would be nowhere quick, and in turn, the people benefiting from this is her family. It just sucks coz I actually love my wife.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You do know that you don't have to pay your in laws bills, right? 

Did you know before marriage that part of the package was going to be paying your in laws' debts to the detriment of your finances and savings?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Two questions:

One, are you saying that your wife hid the extent to which she and her sister are supporting her parents? If so, that's a huge red flag and I might consider bailing out. The bottom line is that IMO her loyalty should to you - her spouse - 

Two, have you contemplated that effectively your parents are subsidizing your inlaws as well? Think about it, your folks are providing for your comfort through their sacrifice, and you're turning around and giving money to someone else.

I wouldn't be comfortable having someone help me to ultimately not benefit me but instead pass it along to someone else. And I wouldn't tolerate helping someone out to find that they piss that money away - it has happened to me (but not to the magnitude it appears to be happening to you).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Unhappyeverafter said:


> Hey guys, I've been married less than two years and everything and anything possible has been going wrong in my marriage and I'm not sure how to feel or what to think although practically I know what the moral decisions should be.
> To expand on the above, ive been with my spouse for about five years, and met her parents a year before getting married as they live abroad. I knew she was not financially stable at the time up to our wedding and knew she was to a point supporting her family. I ended up paying for the entire wedding. We made up most of our wedding costs in gifts and luckily my parents allowed us to stay with them so we could save more for a down payment on our own place. Two months into our marriage her dad gets sick and needed a heart bypass. They live with their other daughter and her husband while they are in the country. My wife then tells me her parents are entirely dependent on her and her sister. They naturally are mad at their parents since they didn't save any money and constantly over spent and over gifted people their whole life leading to them not being able to keep anything for themselves during retirement and they do not take care of themselves and are obese leading to sickness.
> I've grown up with parents who put us(my sis and I) first and who wouldn't get a coffee in the morning so they could save those few dollars. My parents taught us to save and that's exactly what I've been doing my whole life. My parents are financially stable and have offered to help us with a down payment on a house.
> On the other end now, her dad is sick again with an entirely different issue (yr later) and needs more treatment which is probably life threatening. I feel like ever since we got married all we've been doing is paying her parents regular bills and health bills and this new sickness could potentially bankrupt us and I am so angry and pissed off that this is gonna affect our future and my kids future and if my parents ever get sick that I won't be able to help. Ofcourse morally I have to think that this is her dad and she loves him and money is not an option. But these people have single handedly ruined our future less than two years into our marriage. All I've worked for my entire life in savings has literally disappeared because of her parents inability to think about their own future and the thought of my future family being in debt and not having a future I've worked so hard for is especially difficult for me to take during these times.
> ...


So, be firm in this. Have $XX amount of dollars, and tell your wife THIS IS ALL we can use to support your parents, NOW and in the Future. NO MORE than this is available or we are going to wreck OUR lives and OUR marriage. 
You are not the well of $$$ for her parents. SHE is not the well of $$$ for her parents. Her parents are adults and need to take adult responsibility for their OWN lives (and your wife, while she may feel guilty, should understand this).


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. It sounds like you don't want to hear this, but I think your beef should be more with your wife than with her parents. They stuck this situation on her, but it sounds like she's now sticking it on you.

Some questions that come to my mind:

Are the siblings sharing equitably in the parents' medical expenses?
Are her parents eligible for any any kind of government medical coverage? Can they be covered as dependents under whatever medical insurance the sister and her husband has?
After recovery from the medical treatment, is there any possibility of the father returning to gainful employment? What is the mother doing?
Does your wife work? What is she doing to raise money for her parents' medical expenses? If the bottom line is that it falls on you for the foreseeable future, is she at least doing everything she can to minimize household expenses?



> My wife then tells me her parents are entirely dependent on her and her sister.


If I understand that correctly, she didn't give you the full picture until after you got married. Is that right?


> I feel like ever since we got married all we've been doing is paying her parents regular bills and health bills and this new sickness could potentially bankrupt us and I am so angry and pissed off that this is gonna affect our future and my kids future and if my parents ever get sick that I won't be able to help.


Do you already have kids? Or do mean kids you hope to have?

I'd be pissed off too. Again, it sounds like you weren't given the full story up front, and now all the financial work you've done for yourself over the years is at serious risk of being wiped out.


> Ofcourse morally I have to think that this is her dad and she loves him and money is not an option.


I'm not so sure it's that black-and-white. At the least, you could make sure the expenses of her parents' support are evenly spread between both siblings. Since the parents are living with your wife's sister, maybe your wife can contribute half of the expense for their support. If both daughters aren't working full-time with a view toward earning money for their parents' medical needs, why not?


> I know this is selfish but that's how I feel.


It's not selfish at all. You've worked hard for your financial position, and it shouldn't have to be depleted like this.


> Any advise on how to deal or what to feel or say would be appreciated.


You're perfectly right to be frustrated. My advice is to ask why you weren't given full picture up front, and how your wife will step up to this? If you're going to continue having this as part of your financial situation, consider seeing a financial planner about the best way to manage the financial impact.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This thread is closed.


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