# Can't breath, focus, emotionally exhausted and breaking down at high speed



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Yes, I'm becoming a regular last few days. H and I had a 4 hour talk til' 1 a.m and with this entire situation, the time that has passed, the latest and new incidents...today sitting here, I feel Im emotionally unstable to make any comprehendable decisions to save my life!

Some of you know the mental abuse situations. I was completely upfront with him on how it has made me feel, what I've seen, and even told him our DD FEARS him and that is not healthy. As I've researched, all these things I've brought to his attention have been discounted. Discounted and rationalized by saying they have happend becuase I have made him this way by changing..by not being the person I use to be..by me losing physical attraction, by me not being physical with him, by not being able to say he is all I need, by me feeling I need friendships outside of our marriage...and so on and so on. 

I suggested anti depressent meds, he said he didnt need them prior to my change, he doesn't need now. He needs me to be back to how I use to be. Yet, I agreed to get lab work done and so forth to see if I needed some kind of med for imbalance etc. Dr. gave me med for depression and honestly, I do feel better. But obvdioulsy, not better under his approval or needs. I explained I never seen such anger in him, or fear in our DD. I've seen him angry before but nothing like that. He ask me when the last time I seen him angry..I said time we had our initial blow up last February...it was when he kept throwing out the word divorce and both of us were yelling he got so made he stood up and threw a plastic cup across kitchen. The plastic cup shattered everywhere. His response to that was "See...it's the situation, its all THIS you've created that has brought this out in me. I was never like this before and I don't like being like this."

Other highlights of conversation...I brought up possibly he treats our daughter this way as he wasn't a fulltime parent to his own son. He agreed and said he didn't have a father figure himself, hence why he didn't want kids to begin with. He knew he didn't have patience. But, she's here, we've grown and he's learning by trial and error, loves her to pieces and wouldn't change a thing. He brought up his insecurities with me, jealousy. He feels because I'm a mom, I have no business wanting a 'girls night out' or time away per say. I said in last 7 yrs (DD is 7) I've done something outside my marriage with a few female co-workers maybe 5 or 6 times. In 7 YEARS! He says due to my self-esteem issues, it makes him insecure and me going to dinner with friend, maybe drink after work with co-worker, or a shopping day with someone....they are all the start of finding support and security in others and not him. He wants me to be in his hippocket again like we were when met. To worship him, put him on pedestal, to not care about other relationships. I was like that for many years.

One thing that hurts, yet I painfully understand his thinking, he said if getting my "need" met is by way of developing friendships/relations outside of him, then maybe his need (which is sexual) should get met as well outstide. Maybe we should bring a swingers into our lives so I get the friendship, he gets the sexual. He said this in a tone of attitude sarcasim....like a...ha ha there, how do you like that demeanor. Swinger comment also made as last year I wanted a girls nite out with old friend whom (I didn't know at time) he said via rumor her and husband are swingers. With my low esteem feels if I'm out with her, since her and her H are okay with 'sharing' if I get attention from a man while with her I may have urge to act on. I've never done a thing for lack of trust and he admits and agrees but feels my lack of self esteem is not the time for me wanting to go out.

So much time has passed, things said, situations happen, I feel I'm past return. Or dont' want to return. I want to wake up refreshed, happy, laughing and smiling, for me and my DD. I don't want to worry about having someone elses approval of my happiness. I do not make hasty decisions..obviously as this has been going on a year now. Things go way back, from what I've learned during time we counseled. He quit so I quit. He says he quit bcuz he was point blank blunt in where he was coming from, where he's at, and where he wants to be. Me....I'm all over the damn place. Can't make decision of exactly what it is, can't explain why I feel this way, so much going through head for so long. I use to be very confident in self and knew I could handle always. Now...feel I've fallen weak to a man over the years.

H said he feels I love him, but not IN love with him anymore, I'm just too afraid to admit. He may be right. I enjoy our family times for most part...or did until recently. I like when we have dinner together and when I'm in that wanting to just snuggle mode, he does and I enjoy that. But I feel nothing farther. I keep apologizing for growing...changing. 

He's turning to church now. Is making it priority for himself. Makes him feel good. Feels that's where he will find his strength to be more patient, understanding. Says he is doing for himself, no one else. Yet, he wants to force our DD to go. Said he watches these ministers on TV how kids need church. Parents need to make them involved. If not, they will grow up and make bad decisions, have big problems. I don't agree. I feel it starts in the home first. Not against church. I grew up that way as well. When my daughter cries she doesn't want to go..cries on our way to church she doesn't like going bcuz she doesn't understand it, it tears me up inside. He tried to make her go to childrens service and not sit with us in adult services, she cried over that. She doesn't know the kids. Wants to be with us and she's bored naturally. 

I come from a family with beliefs and we do instill them in her. She knows about heaven and that there is a God. She understands saying prayers. I feel forcing her..she will resent, like me, and hate it. THEN turning to not believe. Maybe I'm wrong.

I told H I wanted him to go to AZ as he originally planned for Christmas that we need that time apart and he needs to be with his family. He said no. I may need time apart, he doesn't. Plus, said if he goes, he will look for job, seeing what job market is like as he is scared the direction we are going. Also said his mom told him long time ago he does way too much for me and he doesn't want to hear an I told you so. She's japanese so her culture is to cator to the man, walk behind the man. Summer of our wedding she told me I need to cator him, and told me to maitain my self and figure as H divorced 1st time for that reason. Ya...that made me feel real good! H says that's what she believe he divorced for but he divorced because he didn't love her married only due to being pregnant. Then tells me he now knows how she felt when he did as she was like he is with me. She told him Karma will get him and he know feels that is what's happening. I'm his karma.

So much more I can talk about things said but obviously I'm taking up way too much here. As of last night I was comfortable to say...yes I feel it's best I get out of this. Today, replaying all his comments in my head, making feel I'm a bad mother because I may want to go out once in a while...making me feel it's all my fault he acts the way he does with our DD as prior to my "change" he didn't (even thought I remind him of incidents) just so man past recalls...making it my fault he will move away from our DD...having that guilt now...I again...second guess my feelings. Am I that bad person? Am I a horrible mother? How can I ruin his life? He gave up so much for us, his security of a home, financial etc. to move where we are. It will be myfault of his devastation, his staring over at his age. I'm so lost..........I just want to go away I want it all to go away I don't want this anymore. Neither of US deserve what I feel or have done. I don't want to feel responsible for his actions or pain anymore. Only reason for me to stay, is guilt.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Please understand that, while I'm sure you haven't been perfect, he has MAJOR issues that start at the top, with how he perceives you and his role in the relationship. Just about everything you said about him screams this. Anger issues, jealousy, seeking church for justification, suggesting alternative sexual arrangements, etc. He needs help, and he probably won't get it from you if it has gotten this bad.

I can relate a LOT to the things you described about him. I used to share some similarities in that I was jealous, I was fine with my wife spending time with friends as long as they were friends I approved of, I was manipulative, I too suggested things such as swinging and sharing and such, and I never really *listened* to her real feelings. I'm a sales person, a good one if I say so myself, but I never realized how much that trait does NOT belong in a marriage because I would respond to her feelings with counterpoints and such to try to logically explain how I was right and her feelings were wrong. Imagine that, trying to explain to someone that their FEELINGS are wrong. I was an idiot. I thought I was taking care of her in all the ways a husband is supposed to as far as providing for my family, helping out with child care and household duties, buying her things she wanted, even getting a second job so she could go back to school, but I was a fool for missing all the "secondary" stuff that I simply had no idea was so important.

Anyway, my point is that I didn't realize all of this until things got BAD. Like you, my wife stayed in the relationship trying to make it work, trying to get through to me, for YEARS, until she finally became weak and had a series of affairs. That led to many tearful sessions in marriage therapy where I realized how much of our marriage failure I was at fault for. Probably 80% is my safe estimate. Even having finally realized this in therapy, she had already emotionally checked out, and she left me not long after. It wasn't until then that I realized how much work I had to do on myself. That was the big wake-up call that, believe it or not, I am thankful for now. (She left in mid-July) 

I hate to say it, but I get the impression that he might not realize how wrong he has been until he gets a BIG wake-up call from you. I would never suggest to someone that they give up on a spouse, I believe the marriage vows should always be kept (except perhaps in the case of physical/severe emotional abuse), but I do think a separation might be worthwhile. Have you heard of the term "controlled separation?" This might be worth looking into. Basically both partners sign an agreement that they create which establishes basic rules for the separation, as well as a designated end date and possible meeting times in between.

As awful as it might sound (but maybe it is so bad now, it won't sound as awful...), lets say you set it for 3 months. The arrangements can work out any way you like of course, but you could trade off time in the home, or one of you could leave for the duration. You could agree to meet for dinner, or with a therapist weekly/bi-weekly/monthly, but not too much more often than weekly. Financial arrangements would need to be made, parenting time set, an agreement to NOT begin dating or start any new relationships, as well as a commitment to not pursue divorce/legal separation.

There is a good book out there about this, but I think the idea here is to let both people gain perspective on the situation and escape for a little while. I think it could also serve as a good wake-up call to both of you (but especially him) in that this is still a very serious step, and is that much closer to a real divorce, so I would hope he might realize that he does not want that and have some time for introspection. 

It was easy for me to blame my wife, she made a lot of mistakes over the years too, but I had some fundamental ideas/concepts in my mind that were flat out wrong, and poisoned our relationship for years. It amazed me how a few very simple ideas were able to do so much damage, and it still isn't over. If you would ever like to talk/chat sometime, please feel free to PM me here and we can exchange information. I really mean that too, I'd be happy to offer you encouragement and support. Good Luck!


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

CDBAKER: Thank you for the courage and honesty of posting from the husbands position of similar situation. Reading your post was gave me a bit of relief that I am not completely a terrible wife for the feelings I have.

For me, there has been too much time passed with what I have come to realize are manipulative comments to create suggestive thinking in me. After lying in bed watching the clock tick down from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. last night, steadily hearing his comments over and over in my head, going back in time of where I feel it all began, I am completely and utterly exhausted of trying to please and do right by someone else, meaning my husband. I know that sounds horribly mean, as that is what is to be done in a marraige. Hence, why I feel that is a big sign that this is not the right thing to continue. It's not fair to him either. He says he doesn't want me to stay out of guilt. Yet, he continues to describe his feelings to me and make statements that do nothing but. He says his feelings are his feelings and if they hurt so be it he can't change them. I agree. The same is for me. But not true. My feelings, in his mind, can, need, and should change. Change back to when I was 28. When I cared about nothing but together. When I did nothing but follow him, want him and nothing else in the world. 

I feel like less of a wife/woman saying that, feeling it, and thinking it. I am 40, he 51. I feel terrible his family is out of state, I feel horrible he gave up his home, his personal security for our new home less than 2 years ago. My heart aches that potentially his employer may belly up at anytime, I have guilt that over years I've become more finacially strong through my job over him. I feel guilt knowing eventually if out, I will be okay and he will struggle. I make myself sick to my stomach that I have created such pain in him and have created him to be out of controll, or so he blames on me. He says all he sees on these talk shows are all women want as 'four play' is for there husbands to do the dishes, or cook, laundry, help around the house and he does all that and get's nothing. Well, mind you he lived on his own for years and did it all anyway. No I'm not lazy or neglect my the chores in any way. He cooks due to our move is farther way from work and if we wait for me to get home and eat, dinner would be 7 to 7:30 at nite. He does his laundry, I do mine and we both do our DD. I clean the house up. He maintains yard and drive in winter. I try to make house look like a home, make the outside look nice as well. I feel "those" ladies on the talk shows are describing men, possibly, whom never took on those responsibilies prior to marriage. Just my opinion. 

I have apologized over and over that I've grown. I was 28 when we married. That wasn't young, yet not into the complete responsible phase either. After dating 4 years, living with him for about 3, he kicked me out since couldn't marry me. I was 26 and I got my first apartment. It was the first time on my own. That lasted 6 months. Only for few months we didn't see each other then we kept running into each other when out. Started talking again. I would call and cry to him that getting married doesn't mean we would change. Oh yes...that statement will haunt me to my grave! Big, BIG, mistake on my part. He said he wanted to marry as he seen how close my family was, no divorces, strong nit family and he knew no matter what, that history meant us happily ever after. He grew up with none of that. Also said at one time knew I was one to marry as I was only women who stood up to a friend of his who is complete jerk! This is a man who freely tells people "if he only would have spent 50cents for a condom...." when talking about his daughter, a man who belittles his wife infront of others, while out to eat, tells her what she will or will not like off the menu. She wants to try something new and he says "oh you wont like that' so she gets the same thing. Jerk.

Well, today, I sit here in a pool of emotions that are circling around me like tornado. Just when I feel I have the strength and courage to take responsibility for myself and what is needed for me to be a better person, a better mother to my daughter (me being happy and enjoying life again) I turn a 360 on myself and start thinking I'm all in the wrong. It is all my fault I've done all this I've created all this, I should just try to choke it all down and live the way I have been faking it, secretly crying and hurting then putting on happy face when and where appropriate and needed. My desire for him is gone, not my love. I feel we will always be best of friends and I thought even apart, we would be wonderful parents to our daughter. But, he states once it's over, it's over completely. He cannot be my friend and he cannot stay around and watch me move on. 

I have sex with him..not make love...sex to make him feel better. Feel like a man in knowing the next few days he will feel good, better, not be so tense or inpatient with me or our daughter. He states I give him 'pity' sex.  Not really, I do still get urges. But there isn't passion. My passion and desires have changed to the bigger things like life before it's too late. I'm still young, still have a lot of time to create friendships, relationships I never had. Ones he doens't feel I should have as he and my daughter is all I should need. He states I'm a mother, I have responsiblities and that takes presidence over wanting to have friends and a good time out with them. He says it may start as a once every 6 month deal, then it turns to 1 every 3, then every month, before you know it's every week.

I feel his thought of moving out of state also is a vendictive reaction. If he doesn't live around us, there's no shared parenting, no every other weekend, so that means...mommy definately can have no life and friends. Yet, he forgets, our daughter loves over night stays with grandma. Heck, my brother and I stayed almost every weekend with ours. We loved every minute of it and guess what...my mom and dad (dad now deceased) were still great parents and we still respected them.

He text me today said he's been listening to his christian channel and they were speaking out to him. It was about "us" and how you dont give up and that's what he is doing, not giving up. I can't get rid of him that easy he says. He doens't know what to do yet, but he's not giving up. But I am, or so I feel now. I feel I have to give up. I can no longer live in this emotional state. I know it will be extremely difficult. But at least I know eventually I will be okay. Right now, in this environment, this emotional "life" I have, I won't be okay. He will never approve of me having friends outside of him. The one he does like and thinks is a good person, good family values, I met one night for dinner. Well...needless to say while he was at home with our daughter he stewed all night wondering if I was talking to her about divorce and how it affected her kids etc. Yes, she divorced 5 yrs ago. She said even though 5 yrs she isn't dating anyone steady, she is still very happy just her and her kids...loving life and living the moments.

I haven't lived a moment for a long time. Take that back, I do live the moments with my daughter. She is my world. I love how she always wants me to be with her, even though I always cant and do need a break from her at times. But isn't that true with all families? How she loves on me when I lie beside her in bed. She throws her little arm around my neck. Those are the moments I live in.

Again I see I'm rambling and making rather large posts. Thank you for your kindness. For record, I'm not claming innocents of my marriage failure. Not at all. But I am tired of feeling complete blame. I'm to point I'm ready to 'accept' complete blame just so I can have oppotunity of peace to move on. If it will help him feel more of a man that he makes sure his friends and family know our marriage failed completely by all my doing...that I wasn't willing to try fight like him, so be it. I mean really....how can I suffer any more than I feel I already am emotionally and mentally? At time, I think physical would be better. At least then there's bandages and other things to hide/heal the hurt.


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