# How depressed did the affair make you?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I lost 40 pounds and got very 'I don't care if I wake up in the morning'. Anti-depressants did not help me. A light sedative seems to help when I can't cope but I don't take them continually.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: How depressed did the affair make you?*



indiecat said:


> I lost 40 pounds and got very 'I don't care if I wake up in the morning'. Anti-depressants did not help me. A light sedative seems to help when I can't cope but I don't take them continually.


.....I lost about 25 lbs ....which I needed to do anyway .....but of course, any other method / reason would have been more preferable that dealing with my wife cheating. I also think the stress of dealing with the situation finally pushed me over the edge ...regarding depression. I could not get out of bed one morning ...was shaking ....sobbing uncontrollably ....and thought I was having a nervous breakdown. What I found out ...was that I always had clinical depression ...but 'dealt' with it in my own manner. The wife's infidelity brought it to the surface, allowing a formal diagnosis ...and then getting some meds for the depression ...and accompanying anxiety disorder.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Severely. 

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone - family or friends (only a select few people know what happened - the others have no idea why I suddenly had such a drastic personality change, which I feel badly about). I could barely function at work. All I did all day was obsess about it. Anxiety attacks out of nowhere. It is the worst and most painful experience of my life. I had no concept of the true damage of infidelity until it happened to me. 

But it does get better. Six months later, things are much better. I'm feeling more normal, more healthy, although I know I know this experience has forever changed me.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

They haven't invented the word that describes it yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Several years before, I'd had a heart attack scare. But it hadn't been a heart attack.

When my wife had her affair I wished it had really been a heart attack, and a fatal one.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Well, I lost about 65 pounds so far.. But that's not depression over the affair, to be honest.. I think it's b/c I'm not as depressed anymore for being married to a pill popping alcoholic.. THAT was depressing. Him cheating on me actually freed me in a lot of ways, as sad as that is to say, and as devastated and hurt as I was/am.. 

The weight loss is due to a. not as depressed due to being married to an alcoholic. b. not drinking as much b/c I'm not married to an alcoholic and c. eating better and at better times b/c i'm not married to an alcoholic.. 

I will say that I still only sleep about 3-5 hours at a stretch, and THAT is from the stress and depression of what he did.. But I think, in part, it's b/c I can't deal with it too much when the kids are awake. I can't stew or think about things.. But 3-4 am? Perfect time to be up and going over every word we've ever said to each other.. 

I'm more angry than depressed these days.. I did so much for him. Sacrificed so much.. And for nothing.. Worthless.. Pointless. I need to stop beating myself up for it.. And him even.. he's a product of his upbringing.. he will never be any different, or better..


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Severely. And it was as much shock as depression. 20 or 25 lbs pretty quickly. 25 or 30 I did not have to lose. I couldn't finish a sandwich. Not half a sandwich. It became a point of serious concern for my friends who would want to feed me. At lunch they would and still do insist that we not leave until I have finished whatever has ordered. And usually my heart was not even in the ordering, let alone eating. Would that that were anywhere near approaching the worst of it. For at least a year I was keenly aware of the pain and every facet. Now I don't remember it so well. Things are different, not necessarily better. But different. And much less painful.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

indiecat said:


> I lost 40 pounds and got very 'I don't care if I wake up in the morning'. Anti-depressants did not help me. A light sedative seems to help when I can't cope but I don't take them continually.


No sleep, rotten work performance, went on antidepressants. Bad dreams (when I did sleep). 7+ years later still sleep poorly (used to sleep like a baby before Dday) and still on antidepressants.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

X-Betaman said:


> They haven't invented the word that describes it yet.


HELL would be the closest word for me, yet still not enough.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I never became depressed. I think we had both checked out by the time of his adultery. 

I was angry though for everything he put me and the kids through. Cheating is an incredibly cowardly act and I was angry I married a coward and someone who never had my back.

I still get angry that my judgement was so poor and how easily I was duped.

Yes, I lost weight, about 185lbs. Of dead weight


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Yep, it's sobering to read posters' experiences. The cost of affairs to BS and their families is SO underestimated; mental, physical, financial, not to mention the effect on innocent children caught in the mix. In the macro sense there is the effect on workplace productivity and the medical system. 

In the media and indeed in the general population, affairs are written and talked about in a titillating way - that is until it happens to THEM! 

I agree that emotional hell would best describe it. 

Basically I had the life blood sucked out of me. I went from being an independent, cheerful, happy-go-lucky, life and soul of the party, grounded and balanced person, attractive, slim, fit, always busy with work, hobbies and socialising with a great sense of humour (which is why he fell for me I suppose!) to a shadow of my former self. I became overweight (comfort-eating) and unfit for the first time in my life. My career suffered terribly - I should have told the company but was too embarrassed.

To this day - it's 4 years since D-day - I still experience waves of anger and humiliation about it - an anger that I have never experienced before. 

I used to look at my friends in happy marriages and envy them. I NEVER envied anyone before and I have stopped doing that now. 

Believe me I am fighting my way back and I will get there, but. . . I'm not too old as such but I'm sure not young and there are other circumstances that if I told you about, you would agree with me that. . . 
He stole the LAST opportunity I had to meet a kind and caring partner I could live out my life with. And he knows it. And I think that is why I am so angry. 

Having worked so hard for over 20 years bringing up 3 great kids, mostly on my own, I looked forward to having less stress and having some time for me in later life. The kids had just left home when I met him and wasted 5 precious years. He was a 'trickle truther' extraordinaire. Dunno why he didn't just leave and I sure wish he had instead of staying and keeping up all the lies. 

I also suffered financially - he owes me money I will never get back and I will now have to work until I drop dead, something that was NOT in my life plan.

Also I will never trust myself to trust anyone again - EVER. He was very good at it, had me and the rest of the world convinced that he was the perfect husband.

I could go on venting and I haven't vented in a long time - sorry  - but perhaps the way to judge or understand the effect of an A is to just look at the above and imagine what my life would be like if he didn't have the affair. . . 

or better still. . . 

if I never met him. 

Quite different eh? 

Thanks for reading!


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

It's strange, I have never suffered from depression but my wife has for years. I have told her often, I don't understand depression, what does it feel like? Can you describe it? After d-day, about 3 months ago, I have now suffered from depression. I see it and I feel it every day since d-day. I have had some very terrible thoughts.

I still can't tell anyone because I am so embarrassed and humuliated. I feel like I have terrible judgement for not seeing this sooner and finding out 22 years after the act. I can't seem to keep my mind on anything because I am always thinking about her betrayal. In my line of work, I have to keep my head on straight or I might not come home again. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't mean to forgive them. I mean try to forgive yourselves. Then, maybe someday, you can find forgiveness for them. Even if you only forgive some of what they did, it will still help.


I have always been a great believer in forgiving 2ntnuf and I have forgiven others in my life. But when someone keeps lying to you while swearing they are telling the truth it is impossible and indeed futile to forgive them. 
It's like the concept of saying sorry. Don't worry about telling me you are sorry. Just tell me you will never do that again.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I truly do understand this, **********. I truly do. Take a chance and forgive yourself for bellieving his crap. You don't have anything to lose, if you fail. You deserve to forgive yourself. You did the best you could.
> 
> Sometimes, I think to myself, "if I only knew then what I know now". I couldn't. How can I hold myself responsible for what I did not know? I am human. I make mistakes all the time. Sometimes, I make bad decisions and choices. I can't believe no one else does. Look how many folks are on this site. It's just a small part of the world.
> 
> ...


Excellent post 2ntnuf. One big thing I am struggling with, having admitted to depression, prior to and after DDay (which mind you I did not realise I had), is telling myself that she had a legitimate excuse for cheating. It is true, I had checked out. I know that we both had. I know that I did shut her out emotionally but I also know that she had kept me on an intimacy drip feed for years. I have always said to her during post DDay arguments that we did it to each other. But this is the thing that she holds onto, that it was justified because I shut her out. It was true we were in very bad shape and that I did not want her around but in the end her affair was not justified - however I know that deep down she still believes she was entitled to respond to what the POSOM offered; that which she was not getting at home. I was paying a terrible price before DDay and it got worse after I found out. It is a massive burden and yes, it is about time we forgave ourselves our mistakes our ignorance our whatever - and it's about time we stopped making excuses for our WS's.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'll echo the "confusion" part...more like bewildered. An altered reality - like a dream almost. But very, very stunned and confused.

Couldn't sleep at all - my folks gave me sleeping pills. But I was strong. I didn't really get depressed. I've been depressed before. I got angry and defiant instead. Like "**** you, fine then. I'll be better off without you, I don't need you, I don't WANT YOU anyway". I was lucky that way. Not to say it wasn't excruciating - the worst emotional pain I've ever felt. But maybe the part of me that knew I would be better without her overcame. I was relieved on some level - she was crazy and all kinds of ****ed up.

I still feel pain and it's really, really hard sometimes. But overall I am happier and better off without her. I won't let that skank cause me depression.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I struggle with the forgiving myself, but I don't want to become bitter. 

I refuse to blame myself b/c I didn't see the cheating for months and b/c I never thought he'd cheat. 

And honestly, yes, we had problems.. A lot of them stemming from his drinking, and my drinking with him. I'm not proud of that. But when he turned to pain pills as well. I tried to help him.. So, I'm sorry, but I'm not taking responsibility for 1/2 the problems, b/c I think addiction kind of creates a ton of them.. 

I was SUPPOSED to trust my husband. I was SUPPOSED to believe in him. The fact that I couldn't is a reflection on him, not on me.. I don't want to spend my life thinking I can't trust another man, b/c that's not true. I just can't trust THAT man..


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## AZman (Nov 27, 2012)

I sleep like crap. My appetite is all over the place. I take anti-depressants which seemed to help at first, but not so much so now. My mood generally is crap as well. Work is impacted. General motivation is shot too. My kid and my dog can get me out of it and happy.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

I was extremely depressed after the affair, among other things. 5years later I am still not my old self. I still suffer from some mild depression, lack of interest in things, and lack of motivation. Some of it may be do to getting older and other problems in life right now.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I guess very.....Was drunk a lot afterward. Everyday drunk. I turned into a nasty, vile creature for about a yr and a half.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> I struggle with the forgiving myself, but I don't want to become bitter.
> 
> I refuse to blame myself b/c I didn't see the cheating for months and b/c I never thought he'd cheat.
> 
> ...


Trustworthy guys ARE out there - I'm one of them.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am not sure if I was depressed. I did get very apathetic, I did not care about anything at all, I did not care if I die in my sleep. I cried a lot, but all this happened after we separated. 
I still get nostalgic when good and bad things happen to me. I want to share these things with ex. I felt he was my best friend.

I began to pray for his happiness, and this has helped me tremendously. I woke up this morning with the ability to see him exactly like he is, I have accepted him, I have learned we will never reconcile, I think I am good with this development.
It is still sad because Ive lost a very important part of my life.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

This whole shebang has made me wake up to myself. I'm past 50 and it is not easy learning new tricks. 

I realised that I could be, at times, an immature ahole. I realised I've always been like this. I love skylarking, not taking things seriously half the time - playing. But I could let it go too far with a joke or an absurd line. The children love it but still they can see when I've crossed the line, gone too far, pushed a dopey metaphor etc. As for my WS well she likes it half the time - if that.

I had to see where all of these fragments of my behavior fit together, there seemed to be so many aspects that I couldn't get a hold of it. I didn't know myself. You know that thing where everyone else's personality/character is fixed but in your own head you have no boundaries - know what I mean?

I have had to learn to see those aspects of me and put it together. You add depression (self hatred, insecurity, some bi-polar characteristics etc) and it is toxic. And then you are trying to have a relationship with someone who is also toxic (but very strong) and raise children - Phew!

So the affair just shone a giant spotlight on the weaknesses in my character and our relationship (I had it wrong big time about our relationship!). It highlighted everything. But it made me somewhat determined to repair my own issues. And I battle with that every day. 

It is hard to manage your own behavior moment to moment - it is virtually impossible to change half a lifetime of "set ways" but to at least have more awareness and make adjustments is a plus. Hey, I'm not that bad but I can see how I annoy people - it's that needy side of me craving attention.

I get it. But I am an adult, a parent, and I have responsibilities in so many areas so I keep plugging away to be a good parent and member of the community and someone who likes themselves - which I haven't for a long time.

So, you might get an idea of what it is like for my WS to deal with a person who has these aspects. But I'm very honest about me and my feelings. You get truth with me. 

Overall it is depression that has been my long term companion and since DDay it has been exacerbated. But strangely it did me a favor. Even my WS commented on that to her girlfriends when she confessed - basically said it made us focus. That it was a good thing in the end and we are working on us etc.

BS! It's not working. We are co-existing.

I'm depressed at different times every day plus I'm ageing. But I know it now, I can see the demon and I can act. I have no excuses now. 

I haven't achieved a great deal in life other than learn to survive somehow. That in itself is an achievement though - depends on your situation right?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Excellent post 2ntnuf. One big thing I am struggling with, having admitted to depression, prior to and after DDay (which mind you I did not realise I had), is telling myself that she had a legitimate excuse for cheating. It is true, I had checked out. I know that we both had. I know that I did shut her out emotionally but I also know that she had kept me on an intimacy drip feed for years. I have always said to her during post DDay arguments that we did it to each other. But this is the thing that she holds onto, that it was justified because I shut her out. It was true we were in very bad shape and that I did not want her around but in the end her affair was not justified - however I know that deep down she still believes she was entitled to respond to what the POSOM offered; that which she was not getting at home. I was paying a terrible price before DDay and it got worse after I found out. It is a massive burden and yes, it is about time we forgave ourselves our mistakes our ignorance our whatever - and it's about time we stopped making excuses for our WS's.


Wow. _Uncannily _like me and my wife.
I never thought anyone else felt like this or had this scenario.

The only difference being with us, my wife wanted a _separation _and advised me to move out of the marital home....and _then _she could justify her starting a new 'relationship' (i.e. f*cking) with the OM.

But yeah, once I found out a few weeks later, pretty much same as everyone else: weight loss, lack of sleep, couldn't think / work / function and embarrassing physical issues (well documented on my other threads/posts)

However, that was Dec '12-Mar '13.
This is now and I feel...well, you know when Steve Rogers got injected with the 'Super Solider' serum and became Captain America?
Yeah, something a bit like that.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Eating, yeah right, sleeping in two hour spurts. Tossing, turning, racing thoughts. Anti-d, pain meds for a bad traffic collision. Life changer that was. I ended up losing 50 plus pounds. I was a solid 185, turned into a lump of coal for 3-4 months. Passed a mirror one morning, full body and saw what I saw. I looked like crap and felt like it as well. I said to myself, that's enough of that. Got back into longs walks, running (against dr. order), only way I knew to feel better asap. Many, many months of that. Now back to a healthier weight, with a beautiful family to walk with me during the hard moments and triggers. You must forgive at some point, that brings closure, so they say. Do I think about it yes, but those thoughts are not everyday. Thank god for the "time heals all wounds" adage. Wasn't sure how I was going to make it, but I did, good friends help.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

I could not breath correctly for at least three days and those first few days I never slept. I am considered in great shape but still had a hard time eating. Instead I drank protein shakes and went to the gym and beat the hell out of the punching bag.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

X-Betaman said:


> They haven't invented the word that describes it yet.


I agree


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No depression but a tremendous amount of anger and shock. He was the least likely man to cheat that I could ever imagine. 

For a long time I hated him. Really hated him. But after the divorce I was able to forgive him. I did it for me and not him. It wasn't impacting him but it certainly did impact me. Now I look back at those years of marriage as if they happened to someone else. My life is good now and I could never go back to the one I lived before.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Life changing event that I had no intention of choosing. Major mental breakdown. Life still not right almost 3 years to d-day. 

Never will be who I use to be, and I sadly, miss that person. 

~sammy


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I was totally in the dark regarding my rich skanky XW's dual affairs with her two OMen, all while still being married to me as well as post-separation.

When I did find out, I was sickened beyond belief. Being covertly cheated on, then summarily put out on the side of the road by her, I found that her heart could truly chill a tanker truck full of Budweiser!

Now that we're divorced and while I've now seen fit to forgive her, I will never be foolish enough to ever forget nor ever willingly want to speak to her again!*


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Life changing event that I had no intention of choosing. Major mental breakdown. Life still not right almost 3 years to d-day.
> 
> Never will be who I use to be, and I sadly, miss that person.
> 
> ~sammy


Wish it weren't so, but so it is.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm an upbeat person.. very much like Joe Dirt, it's tough to get me down.. but this one, it was quite a challenge. I'm no longer depressed, like clinically depressed, but I'm also not right, and not sure I ever will be. If my happiness to depression ration was 90% happy, 10% depressed, It pushed me to 100% depressed initially, then each week a little comes off, so now after almost a year it's 60% 40%... I know I got the math wrong, but I used fuzzy math.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I'm 6-2 and weighed about 160. When D-Day happened I dropped to 150 in a matter of weeks. I looked horrifying.

Could not eat. Nothing tasted good. I resorted to eating oatmeal every dinner because I was too depressed to go out for dinner and did not want to waste my money on something tasty that wouldn't lift my spirits anyways. So, I skipped tons of meals and ate really bland things. 

Lump in my throat at all times. Felt like something had been pulled from my body. 

I didn't even remember what I did the entire summer. All the months just merged together.

I was able to fall asleep every night, but would wake up at 5:00am every morning in a full sweat. 

Crying in the shower at least once every day.

Terrible at my job.

Finally had my first panic attack and went to the hospital.

Lost all attraction to women, but would masturbate to images of my ex-wife. 

Went on a few dates and hooked up with a few women and it made me feel even worse.

Cried so hard that I vomited on what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. 

This went on for 6 months and I came out of it in mid August in this weird three day period where some sort of divine force pulled me from the carnage. It's hard to explain, it wasn't religious, but something happened in my head that told me I was going to come through.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I was pretty bad the truth finially came out. I am sure like a lot of you that horrible feeling in the stomach you can never forget. For about a day thought about harming myself, leaving , etc. But you know I think too much. If I did any of those she would have won and I would be a loser. It would not help out my kids in any way either. So focus on myself and things I need. Gave my soul to God and he helped me thorugh it.

One other thing I never once begged or forced her to stay or change her mind. She had to come to terms with what happen and which direction to go.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

I had to deal with two different heart breaks all at the same time. My youngest daughter passed away and two days later I found out about the hubby affair. I didn't eat the first few days, following days I only ate one meal if that. I usually weigh about 140ish and got all the way down to 113. My husband's affair is still going on some my days are still like a rollercoaster now I have more up days than down but when I do have down days it feels as if the day would never end and my whole world is over. But God is an awesome God so I am making it through it, taking it one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> I had to deal with two different heart breaks all at the same time. My youngest daughter passed away and two days later I found out about the hubby affair. I didn't eat the first few days, following days I only ate one meal if that. I usually weigh about 140ish and got all the way down to 113. My husband's affair is still going on some my days are still like a rollercoaster now I have more up days than down but when I do have down days it feels as if the day would never end and my whole world is over. But God is an awesome God so I am making it through it, taking it one day at a time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's so cruel. Standing, I hope you find firm footing in the near future.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

After reading many of these posts it appears many have yet to get better or move on, however, in my thread people say things will get better. Now I've been through break-ups with girlfriends and what not but there were never children involved. I am confused as to how many of you think things will get better but yet continue to struggle with the pain of DDay??


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

sirdano said:


> I was pretty bad the truth finially came out. I am sure like a lot of you that horrible feeling in the stomach you can never forget. For about a day thought about harming myself, leaving , etc. But you know I think too much. If I did any of those she would have won and I would be a loser. It would not help out my kids in any way either. So focus on myself and things I need. Gave my soul to God and he helped me thorugh it.
> 
> *One other thing I never once begged or forced her to stay or change her mind. She had to come to terms with what happen and which direction to go.*


How did that go for you? Just wondering what the outcome was.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> After reading many of these posts it appears many have yet to get better or move on, however, in my thread people say things will get better. Now I've been through break-ups with girlfriends and what not but there were never children involved. I am confused as to how many of you think things will get better but yet continue to struggle with the pain of DDay??


Things get better but in most cases (as you can see) the pain never fully goes away. But it does get better.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Though things have been cold for months the pain that I feel know after finding out with hardcore proof cannot be described by any word that I know. It's a deep deep pain in your chest, stomach body that has no remedy. The only solace is sleep if you can get it. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, the pain is there. I haven't ate since a granola bar yesterday morning. No feelings of hunger either. The uncertainty of what's to come is horrific. Begging God to end my life rather than help me endure this unbearable pain. Wishing she would have put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger rather than had the affair.

I would never act on suicidal thoughts but now see why some people do.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> I had to deal with two different heart breaks all at the same time. My youngest daughter passed away and two days later I found out about the hubby affair.


I don't even know what to say to this. My heart breaks for you. So sorry for the loss of your daughter and your betrayal. Beyond brutal.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

When I found out about my first wife's affairs, I was shocked. I didn't eat for 3 weeks. Lost 25 pounds, and spiraled into a deep depression. I had suicidal thoughts. 18 years together, 2 beautiful kids and she does this to me.
When I found out about my 2nd wife's affair, I became depressed, but even more, I was angry as hell at her because she knew what I went through with my first wife, how I felt, how I reacted, and she had her affair anyway. Completely, totally selfish. She could have cared less about me or my kids. Now she wants an R. Yeah right. She's moved out and I'm slowly getting my life back together. Still, her betrayal is fresh in my mind. It will be very hard to trust anyone again.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

ClairesDad said:


> When I found out about my first wife's affairs, I was shocked. I didn't eat for 3 weeks. Lost 25 pounds, and spiraled into a deep depression. I had suicidal thoughts. 18 years together, 2 beautiful kids and she does this to me.
> When I found out about my 2nd wife's affair, I became depressed, but even more, I was angry as hell at her because she knew what I went through with my first wife, how I felt, how I reacted, and she had her affair anyway. Completely, totally selfish. She could have cared less about me or my kids. Now she wants an R. Yeah right. She's moved out and I'm slowly getting my life back together. Still, her betrayal is fresh in my mind. It will be very hard to trust anyone again.


There should be serious consequences for cheaters. People take marriage for granted way too much and it's sad that stable long lasting relationships are the minority. It's disgusting.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

ClairesDad said:


> When I found out about my first wife's affairs, I was shocked. I didn't eat for 3 weeks. Lost 25 pounds, and spiraled into a deep depression. I had suicidal thoughts. 18 years together, 2 beautiful kids and she does this to me.
> When I found out about my 2nd wife's affair, I became depressed, but even more, I was angry as hell at her because she knew what I went through with my first wife, how I felt, how I reacted, and she had her affair anyway. Completely, totally selfish. She could have cared less about me or my kids. Now she wants an R. Yeah right. She's moved out and I'm slowly getting my life back together. Still, her betrayal is fresh in my mind. It will be very hard to trust anyone again.


It's incredible how many people here have been stung multiple times by different partners ie: scvmbags. Just bad luck.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

SF-FAN said:


> How did that go for you? Just wondering what the outcome was.


We worked through it with Mc and with sit in times with the preacher and his wife. Yes MC was not cheap. $130 a visit and we went ever week for two months. The lady we had was excellent did not take anyones side just focus on what our issue were now not past. Worked our problems out and became stronger thought it. During that time we slept separate rooms. I could just not handle not being intament with wife and sleep in same bed. This was MC idea that we need to work on other things instead of just sex. 

Funny I was fine sleeping on couch during that time wife was not. But stuck to my guns. No sex no sleeping together, 

As some friends have said that I should have made wife sleep on couch since she was the one with the affair. I thought it would be more loving and kind to let her have the comfornt.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

SF-FAN said:


> There should be serious consequences for cheaters. People take marriage for granted way too much and it's sad that stable long lasting relationships are the minority. It's disgusting.


I look at it this way we all got to answer for our sins in the end. It is better not to judge and take rath on them as you will be judge by the same way.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

I wanted to die. I probably came close to doing so with all the "self medications". I was prescribed some powerful medications, which many times did not seem to work. I was not the same human being as I was before. The depression was so severe. And to this day (almost 2 years later) the depression can show its ugly face from time to time.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Horizon said:


> It's incredible how many people here have been stung multiple times by different partners ie: scvmbags. Just bad luck.


No, I don't think it is. I think that we choose partners for specific reasons.  IC can help with that.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I did not get clinically depressed, but I was extremely stressed. Anger, sadness, shock etc. I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks, couldn't eat, lost so much hair. I had a couple of anxiety attacks where I had to really focus on breathing and at one point (much later...about 7 months ater d day), I thought I was having a heart attack and got a physical and EKG. I wasn't, I was as healthy as a horse. It was just anxiety.

I work to forgive myself for being duped, but I am not working on forgiving him. I just want to get to the place where I don't feel like I was punched in the gut every time I think of it. I am slowly getting there. Forgiveness? Maybe in 25 years. Now, it is just hate and pity and disgust and...well, you get the idea.


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

It got out of hand when I found myself leaving the house after the the kids were in bed to drive across high bridges making suicidal bargains.

Effexor, later Lexapro. Didn't work, horrible lethargy.

7 years later, still dealing with PTSD, some days it's just a nagging feeling, others the hypervigilance kicks in and hoooo boy.

Monthly IC, often about her. Ambien occasionally when I can't bring myself to go to bed. PE and ED rule my sex life, I'm going to look into drugs this week.

We're still together, because she seems wayward no more. She may be in it for the kids through graduation 8 years hence, but then again, she seems committed in many ways. Hard to be certain. I guess I'll ride it out. At least the sex is good, 60 seconds at a time, every 3 weeks ha ha.

Yet I fight my battles alone because she maintains she did nothing unusual, nothing so wrong that it should've sent me reeling. "Sorry," seems absent from her vocabulary, always has.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Gosh, Leobwin, that was hard to read. Why stay??


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

My first Dday was 6 years ago. Maybe I never completely got over that. We were together over 18 years, married for 15. My 2nd Dday was this past August with my 2nd wife. The second one was perhaps more painful because I recalled everything from my first wife's betrayal in addition to my second wife's betrayal. Also, a month after my 2nd Dday, I found out that my wife, in addition to her PA, had had at least an EA with another man, an old boyfriend, the entire time we had been together. Thinking about this, even now, is almost more than I can handle.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As I was on the emotional roller coaster, I alternated between being angry and depressed.

All I read here and other forums is about the Infidelity Diet, how people lost weight. Well....I'm going to go against the grain and admit that I GAINED weight....BIG TIME. Sure, like almost everyone else, I experienced the loss of appetite right after DDay, but it came back with a vengeance.

Like many people, one of my coping mechanisms is to eat. And eating makes me feel better. Unfortunately, I also lost the will to work out due to being depressed and angry. Nothing like eating a nice juicy burger or something really creamy and sweet to make you feel better. I'm quite sure there are others out there that also gained weight from being depressed, but don't want to admit it.

So part of my recovery has been working out and losing the affair weight. When I was depressed, I didn't feel like working out at all, just watch TV or post on websites like this. Now, I've lost that affair weight and more.

So if you gained weight from being depressed, its okay. We all cope in different ways. Just go and do something about it for your own health and/or for your family's sake.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I was beyond p*ssed for a long time. Add a steady diet of beer to that and..... well it wasn't pretty. She endured a lot of verbal abuse during that time. I felt totally justified in giving it to her. 

She stayed though. That part I never understood. There is no way I would have. Yeah she cheated , but to be told what a POS wh0re you are everyday for yr would have got to me.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I felt dead calm on Dday. It was like meeting serial cheater dad again. I felt like he came back dressed as my wife from beyond the grave. I hated him but still sucked up to him coz of financial needs. I am not proud of this but I went to the cemetery at midnight and p!ssed on his grave and cursed him as much as I could. My life long regret is I didn't shove his head in the toilet bowl for what he did to my family and my step bro. I will delete this if anyone wants. 

12 years he's dead and still my hatred just doesn't diminish.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: How depressed did the affair make you?*



joe kidd said:


> I was beyond p*ssed for a long time. Add a steady diet of beer to that and..... well it wasn't pretty. She endured a lot of verbal abuse during that time. I felt totally justified in giving it to her.
> 
> She stayed though. That part I never understood. There is no way I would have. Yeah she cheated , but to be told what a POS wh0re you are everyday for yr would have got to me.


Are you and pidge in R? Last I remember was that R had failed.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

nxs450 said:


> I was extremely depressed after the affair, among other things. 5years later I am still not my old self. I still suffer from some mild depression, lack of interest in things, and lack of motivation. Some of it may be do to getting older and other problems in life right now.


So am I. I have lost self confidence, and the ability to have faith in what I do. The love I have for him was deep, and when he allow his girlfriend arrest me, stole my money and ultimately disgrace me I still can not forgive him. Many people yell karma but somehow I do not see anything that the legal system did for me to hold him accountable. Because of that I no longer believe in our justice system. That made me spiral worse. I too have several other problems. I was pregnant and found out that I had cervical cancer and he still did not stand by me. Even when I was there for him. I always think maybe I was wrong and deserve this. But I totally agree with what you have said.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

Lost about 15% of my body weight. For about 10 days, I survived on booze, my only caloric intake was a handle of hard liquor every night. I forced myself to live with a healthier-living friend for another 10 days to stop the maniacal spiral downward.

I also developed insomnia, couldn't sleep more than 3, 4 hours per night for almost 2 months.

We separated and I filed, and I forced her to write a NC to OM. I can't enforce the NC and I doubt she's actually going through with NC, but it's sufficient anesthetic for me to go on with my life in a semi-normal way.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Anxiety, then panic attacks, planning my suicide. Anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills got me through the rough stretches. Been alone 21 months and have learned A LOT through this experience. About her, but mostly about myself. I live like a monk, love my quiet nights on the couch under the blanket and being with D12. Simple. No more worrying about the cheating ex and what she was up to. It gets better every day, and maybe Ms. Right will come along one of these days


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I still am unable to sleep at night through the full night without taking something. I want this pain to go away. The pain of what he did still haunts my dreams. What makes us keep this pain so close?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I went from 215 down to 185. I am busy trying to get my strength back, but it is a slow process. And very difficult without my old vice. 

And my sleeping problems were horrible. Not being able to fall asleep, having nightmares, twisting and turning in my sleep. Gave myself a few bloody noses in the past. 
My sleeping problems have gotten better with the SO back in the house. 

And from my sleeping issues, stemmed some alcoholic tendencies. Building up a dependency, or maybe it was a tolerance, or both. At my worst, I was downing a bottle of wine a night, or half a fifth. 
Part of it was to get to sleep, and the other part to forget the pain I was in. 

I also refused to eat for a while. With my health problems, that would have been borderline suicidal. 

Gotten better now. Much better.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

I am in a downward spiral right now. I have snapped out the initial shock and now dealing with the toal pain and agony. I have lost alot of weight amd unable to eat really but trying. I havemind movies constantly and feeling completely alone in all this. Our son is still away until end of next month. Cant sleep or stop the crying.. Its only been since Dec 20 :-(
As much as i hate what hes done my love for him remains and it makes this all worse :-(


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Seriously I went from the future so bright I got to wear shades to being totally blind. I really hate my life and went from Mr nice guy to a guy with a broke hand who is learning not to care.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

LoveNpieces said:


> I am in a downward spiral right now. I have snapped out the initial shock and now dealing with the toal pain and agony. I have lost alot of weight amd unable to eat really but trying. I havemind movies constantly and feeling completely alone in all this. Our son is still away until end of next month. Cant sleep or stop the crying.. Its only been since Dec 20 :-(
> As much as i hate what hes done my love for him remains and it makes this all worse :-(


Take good care of yourself LNp. Do try and eat something - force yourself if necessary. Do whatever it takes. People here care about you. Best wishes - Horizon


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Thx Horizon!

I am one who has lived throug many tragic events sadly but this has to be one of the worst things for anyone to endure and have to live through. I have lost loved ones and parents tragically but its a different pain. This has been my hardest battle :-( as im sure it is for all of us here. I wish all of us comfort in our times of sorrow and pain :-(


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## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

I think I went into shock on DDay, completely out of it. Then I grieved for the loss of the man I thought I married....he was gone. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. I would start shaking and not be able to stop. I would wake up crying. And the mental movies would break my heart.Everytime I think it is getting better...there's another little lie that comes to the surface. The original DDay will be 2 years ago this Wednesday. I got put on meds for depression and anxiety but my mind was just so foggy so I came off of them. I am finally just f**king mad!!! I want to punch him in his face. Who the hell is he to treat me like that, lying to my face and acting like you deserve to do what you want!!??!


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

It was the worst I had ever felt in my life...on a deployment no less.

It probably should have been worse but my entire extended family and the close friends I had on my team in the unit helped me out a TON!

Now I am just kinda flopping around...happy for the most part but because life can be cruel I get some awful reminders now and then...


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

Sleepless. Then suicidal. Medication helped for a while, then over time numbness set in.

Edit: I just zombied this thread, lol. Apologies.


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

Laurel said:


> Severely.
> 
> I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone - family or friends (only a select few people know what happened - the others have no idea why I suddenly had such a drastic personality change, which I feel badly about). I could barely function at work. All I did all day was obsess about it. Anxiety attacks out of nowhere. It is the worst and most painful experience of my life. I had no concept of the true damage of infidelity until it happened to me.
> 
> But it does get better. Six months later, things are much better. I'm feeling more normal, more healthy, although I know I know this experience has forever changed me.


Laurel did you stay or go?


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

This post makes me feel so normal. I too lost about 20lbs (and no I was not overweight) I've never been depressed before until now. I don't even want to live. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a couple years. But wait. I can't sleep. My heart in broken in two. I never stop thinking about the affair. Never!!. Its only been a couple week since the affair ended and it is nice to hear that it gets easier because I am going through HELL right now. This sucks so bad!!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The very first feeling is one of absolute denial ~ that an affair is just some social malady that happens to other people ~ but never, ever to me! Sleeplessness gradually kicks in and stays with you as your new companion throughout the entire process ~ and then some!

That's when an aura of disbelief sets in, greatly to the point that you cannot believe, nor start to comprehend exactly what it is that has just happened to you. You also feel a sense of overwhelming numbness at this particular point.

Once all of that slowly subsides, then all of the aspects of the "why's" and the "wherefore's" eventually evolve, usually sending you into a damn-near 24/7 investigatory mode to find out exactly who it was that they slept with, when it started, where they did it, what positions they did it in, where you were physically when it all occurred, and habitually comparing yourself to the other lovers to see what it was that you might have done wrong to force it's occurance. This is unquestionably the most-painful phase where all of those damnable "mind movies" come into fruition, whether in your dreams or only in some remote corner of your imagination, that you can so vividly see your spouse doing all of your favorite sexual acts and escapades with their lover that they had previously done only with you, even some that they hadn't done or had summarily refused to do with you ~ thereby breaking the love and the very special bond that you two once seemingly had, and only for one another!

Lastly, either a sense of seething hatred and anger, or even one of a totally silent indifference toward them, for laying waste to what you may have felt like had been a simply great relationship between the two you, one that was ordained by God, that your cheating spouse single-handedly chose to self-servingly wreck, giving little to no consideration to God, family, friends, clergy, church, or community, much less the spouse that they cheated on!

And there are often times those moments when you think that this nightmare is all over with and you finally feel that you are moving on with your life when you slowly come to the realization that you have
relapsed back into the mire and stench of hopelessness, thinking only of the early "perfection" of when you met them and had fallen madly in love with them! 

And then when you finally reach that point when you meet that attractive, vivacious new person, initially feeling some element of relief from all of your prior pain, and then suddenly, just mentally, casting them aside, greatly thinking that if you allow a new relationship to begin to even foster with them in some remote way, that they will be the very next in line to break your heart and to forsake you, greatly making you think that being alone and having no relationship at all is far more secure than trying to find the ultimate love that God so much wants us all to have and enjoy!

It just seems to perpetually incorporate a never-ending cycle or trap from which escape is never going to be possible, leaving one to cope with their platitudes of loneliness, fear, and a severe lack of self-confidence!

IMHO, it is a fate far worse than hell, or even death! More especially when you feel that you're psychologically unable to ever begin to eventually escape from it's terrible clutches!*


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I lost 62 lbs in 6 months. I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me. I was suicidal for the first 4 months. I felt like my very soul had been destroyed & I just didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't care about anything. Words just can't describe the agonizing hell your world turns into. Almost 9 months now I'm doing a lot better, But I will never be happy again like I use to be..


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I lost 62 lbs in 6 months. I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me. I was suicidal for the first 4 months. I felt like my very soul had been destroyed & I just didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't care about anything. Words just can't describe the agonizing hell your world turns into. Almost 9 months now I'm doing a lot better, But I will never be happy again like I use to be..


I was first in a shock with two completely sleepless nights, then very suicidal. I couldn't imagine having to start all over again. I took extended time off work, couldn't eat, couldn't watch tv, and started smoking as a way to pass the time and calm my nerves. I lost 31 lbs and people began to think that I had cancer because my eyes were so set-back, I became pale, and very skinny. 

The very worst part lasted for three months, but I continue to be haunted by what happened 1 1/2 years later. I have physically recovered, but I, too, wonder if I will ever feel genuinely happy again.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I lost 62 lbs in 6 months. I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me. I was suicidal for the first 4 months. I felt like my very soul had been destroyed & I just didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't care about anything. Words just can't describe the agonizing hell your world turns into. Almost 9 months now I'm doing a lot better, But I will never be happy again like I use to be..


I'm a couple decades ahead of you on this path, so maybe what I've learned will help. 

Yes, words can't describe the agonizing hell you wrote about. For me it never got better, but my ability to cope with it increased greatly, thus giving me the same net result as if things had gotten better. 

This is more than just semantics because I'm sure that what I am today is vastly superior to what I would have been had there been no betrayal. 

Some would view this as irrelevant, but not me because I derive meaning from it on account of my view that we are here to obtain experience and growth. 

No, you won't be happy again like you used to be, but you have a good chance you'll find a new flavor of happiness that equals or eclipses what you had known in the past. 

The innocence you felt is gone, but your experience will enable you to appreciate what you couldn't in the past. 

For example, I profoundly appreciate the fierce loyalty my current wife has for me and our marriage. I can only do this because my ex wife was so disloyal to me and now I know and appreciate the difference at a much higher level. 

This, in turn, contributes to my happiness, but it's different than what I had in my innocence with my ex wife. Yet my happiness is tempered in that I still deeply mourn that my ex lost her way. 

I hope this helps and gives hope.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> I was first in a shock with two completely sleepless nights, then very suicidal. I couldn't imagine having to start all over again. I took extended time off work, couldn't eat, couldn't watch tv, and started smoking as a way to pass the time and calm my nerves. I lost 31 lbs and people began to think that I had cancer because my eyes were so set-back, I became pale, and very skinny.
> 
> The very worst part lasted for three months, but I continue to be haunted by what happened 1 1/2 years later. I have physically recovered, but I, too, wonder if I will ever feel genuinely happy again.


I also started smoking. I had been quit for 3 years. Now I'm struggling to try & stop again.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Laurel said:


> Severely.
> 
> I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone - family or friends (only a select few people know what happened - the others have no idea why I suddenly had such a drastic personality change, which I feel badly about). I could barely function at work. All I did all day was obsess about it. Anxiety attacks out of nowhere. It is the worst and most painful experience of my life. I had no concept of the true damage of infidelity until it happened to me.
> 
> But it does get better. Six months later, things are much better. I'm feeling more normal, more healthy, although I know I know this experience has forever changed me.


This was exactly it for me.

I also quit drinking about a week after D-Day, because I found that drinking to try to drown the devastated, decimated way I felt inside only made it worse, and tore apart my stomach more that already felt like it was full of razor blades.

The trouble with quitting drinking was that then I really couldn't sleep. I've been living on ZzzQuil every night to help me drift off, or I'd be a complete zombie.

I lost 25 pounds. 10 of it I could have stood to lose. The other 15, not so much. Now, I am downright gaunt. People at work ask me "What have you been doing to lose so much weight?" I haven't told most of them, but I feel like saying, "Divorcing my cheating dog of a husband!"

Like Laurel said, it has been the worst experience of my life. And I have lost both my parents and have been through severe Post-Partum Depression (antidepressants saved me from that one). This has been worse than all of those. How I got through it without going back on antidepressants is a mystery - I think my rage sort of propelled me through the darkest days this time. It was as if my husband had died, but his ghost was walking around having a whole other afterlife with other ghosts right in front of me that I couldn't be a part of.

Also like Laurel said, it does get better. Four months after D-Day and two weeks after he finally moved out, I'm starting to get my appetite back and I'm gaining back a pound here and there. And I'm starting to not care about my STBX anymore. He is not the man I thought he was, and I don't like the man he is very much. He has become lo me like a work colleague I don't feel one way or the other about, but have to deal with to a small extent on a daily basis (and this only because we have a son we need to continue to parent together.) If it weren't for our son, I would cut off all contact with him, and I'd be perfectly happy to do that. It has become easier to set boundaries with him lately and keep him at an arm's length, because I've finally reached the point where he doesn't matter that much to me. It's a really good place to be. I feel like I'm finally breathing normally again.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SF-FAN said:


> There should be serious consequences for cheaters. People take marriage for granted way too much and it's sad that stable long lasting relationships are the minority. It's disgusting.


:iagree:

I really do. I'm generally not a fan of legislating morality, but in this case, I really believe there oughtta be a law. And the penalty should be mandatory prison time, the length of which is determined according to the length and egregiousness of the affair and the length of the marriage, with added penalties if any children are involved.

Cheating on your spouse is a kind of assault. It should be punished as such.

(I'm really not kidding about this.)


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Depressed? I can only say this word is nothing to how I felt. I wanted death, I sat with a weapon to my head and pulled the trigger, the weapon jammed. I sat with antifreeze at my kitchen table. I thought of driving into a bridge at a high rate of speed. I thought of stepping in front of a train, and actually sat on railroad tracks. But I was a coward as I'm still here.

I ate all unhealthy food I could find to induce a heart attack. I survived on fried foods and candy. I lost no weight but didn't gain any weight either. I was hopeless and only wanted death. I survived an hour at a time as a day was just too long of a time period. I was destroyed, devastated, lost, and died on the inside. 

Everything that had a meaning to me in life suddenly had no value. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to interact with anyone. I sat by myself at parties or family gatherings. I didn't smile and didn't know what joy or happiness felt like anymore. I was broken. 

My wife and sister conspired behind my back to take me to a doctor. I went on my own. I was prescribed antidepressants and I actually started to take them. I am alive. I am no longer suicidal but not exactly living life or very happy. I talk to people but don't say much. All of that was destroyed, and what wasn't destroyed was severely damaged. 

At almost sixteen months from 
d-day I question if I will ever fully recover from infidelity. I have worked hard in therapy, I try to rediscover my happiness, but the betrayal is too deep. I know I will be a changed man for the rest of my life, this would be the same if I divorce or reconcile. 

I feel like an old abandoned building sometimes, ready to be demolished or do we remodel it. If you demolish it a new one will be built, but the old feelings remain. If you remodel it, the old feelings remain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sargon said:


> If you haven't tried different antidepressants I strongly suggest you do so.



I am on Effexor, however I do regret that I didn't die, it's the only way the pain ends. Reconcile or divorce the pain from betrayal stays with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I am on Effexor, however I do regret that I didn't die, it's the only way the pain ends. Reconcile or divorce the pain from betrayal stays with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still think the advice about changing antidepressants is spot on, and something I also strongly suggest you try. The right one will stop the thoughts that dying is a better alternative.

I had post-partum depression and also wanted to die, it was so severe. Lexapro ended up being the answer for me, though everyone is different and that one doesn't help some people.

Please let your doctor know about this. Something else could really help you with the pain. I understand it won't make it go completely away. But it will help.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sargon and Nomorebeans

I will make a appointment with my doctor and discuss the antidepressants, I hate feeling that death is the answer. Thank you both for the suggestion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

drifting on said:


> sargon and Nomorebeans
> 
> I will make a appointment with my doctor and discuss the antidepressants, I hate feeling that death is the answer. Thank you both for the suggestion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm very relieved to hear this, drifting on.

I know what severe clinical depression is, and I know how it can make taking your own life seem like the only option. The right antidepressant really can stop that thought from even occurring to you, and can help pull you out of the abyss.

Please check back in with us when you've made your appointment, and tell us what the doctor says.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

It's been three weeks since D day and I have lost 10lbs. It's been and is hell on earth....


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

drifting on said:


> sargon and Nomorebeans
> 
> I will make a appointment with my doctor and discuss the antidepressants, I hate feeling that death is the answer. Thank you both for the suggestion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, do visit with your doctor. I took Prozac back when I was in your situation and it numbed me enough to where I did not feel the agony so acutely. It got me through the critical stage to where I was not so fixated upon dying. 

Don't take it for granted that just any old anti depressant will give the desired results. I had horrific experience with Pristiq and Effexor, so be careful. 

FWIW, your words describe exactly how I felt for a long time, so be aware that there are others who have made it through this hell. Hang in there, you'll get through it and will be glad you persevered. 

I once heard a saying: you're not a real man till you've been ruined by a woman. I'm actually to the point where I find value in that idea. You will too someday. Good luck.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

TxSad73 said:


> It's been three weeks since D day and I have lost 10lbs. It's been and is hell on earth....


Welcome to the club. Sorry.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> drifting on said:
> 
> 
> > sargon and Nomorebeans
> ...


* If that's truly the case, then with what all that I've been subjected to by my infamous rich, skanky XW, then certainly by my calculations, I probably ought to be Attila the Hun!*


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sargon, commonsenseisnt, Nomorebeans,

I want to thank you for your advice and recommendations. I will call my doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment. Thank you all again.


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## Foolish Man (Apr 16, 2015)

drifting on said:


> sargon, commonsenseisnt, Nomorebeans,
> 
> I want to thank you for your advice and recommendations. I will call my doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment. Thank you all again.


*I am so sorry you are going through this and so glad to hear you are taking action to get some help with it.* I have some experience with people who experienced severe clinical depression and suicidality. I can say that with the right meds and help and support some of them have made good recovery. I am glad to hear your family is caring and supportive. *I know you can feel a whole lot better and medication can help you get there. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Talk to someone first* there are resources available and you can always go to the emergency room or call 911. 

Remember this is something that happened to you because of what someone else chose to do, you are not responsible and you have not failed. The person you are and were is valuable and you can rebuild many of the things you established in your life so far. You can even emerge from this a better person with a better life. Best wishes and hope and sympathy/empathy from someone who can understand some of your pain.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I really do. I'm generally not a fan of legislating morality, but in this case, I really believe there oughtta be a law. And the penalty should be mandatory prison time, the length of which is determined according to the length and egregiousness of the affair and the length of the marriage, with added penalties if any children are involved.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately most states DID have laws about this. But they are slowly being removed from the law books. In Colorado adultery went away as a crime less than 10 years ago..... 

I know morality laws will not come back. What I would love to see implemented is the forfeiture of things in divorce proceedings if cheating can be proven. So for example you autmoatically win sole custody on children if your spouse cheats. Or you automatically waive all rights to alimony if caught cheating. This I would definitely be in support of.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not a huge fan of medications but for me I needed counseling. First time in my life I ever was humbled to my knees in pain and couldn't think of process clearly. I was drinking way to much, sleeping with every woman I could find, not doing well at my job....I was a mess of the top order.

Sometimes we need some help. So reach out to someone and get that ball rolling. Had I not gone to counseling I really don't know what the hell my life would look like now..... I was really In a terrible place. I hope you heal quickly.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So to their credit, all of the divorced women I know were able to successfully hide their affairs from their husbands (ex husbands).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Nomorebeans said:
> 
> 
> > I really do. I'm generally not a fan of legislating morality, but in this case, I really believe there oughtta be a law. And the penalty should be mandatory prison time, the length of which is determined according to the length and egregiousness of the affair and the length of the marriage, with added penalties if any children are involved.
> ...


* Wolf: I would wholeheartedly love to see your sentiments come to legal fruition, as I agree that marital cheating has reached the point that it is totally undermining the entire institution of marriage.

But with the ever growing plethora of cases that we now see in our many civil court rooms, a judge on a typical family relations bench is literally stretched to the max. They absolutely loathe trials as they are so time consuming and usually offer little to no solace to either party in the court room!

The courts major concern now seems to be greatly situated away from that of "fault" over to that of such pressing areas like asset equitability, distribution, and child welfare!

I might be totally wrong, but I really feel that it would take a whole new Renaissance within the area of family law for the presence of marital adultery to ever be adjudicated that same way again!*


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> So to their credit, all of the divorced women I know were able to successfully hide their affairs from their husbands (ex husbands).


I think we can deduce from this that men are stupid. 

I see very few women here who've been cheated on say they didn't find out until after the divorce that another woman was suddenly in the picture. None, actually.

That was my STBXH's plan - he never would have told me until she was actually moved in with him, and then he would have claimed he had "just" met her. He admitted that after he got caught.

Cheating men are like serial killers (sorry for that analogy, but hear me out) - they think they're being very smart in hiding what they're doing, but then they get c0cky, and then they get careless. Maybe cheating women are better at hiding it because they don't get as overconfident and careless as men do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I think we can deduce from this that men are stupid.
> 
> I see very few women here who've been cheated on say they didn't find out until after the divorce that another woman was suddenly in the picture. None, actually.
> 
> ...


Eh... in a great many cases, I think it's because we (i.e. men in general) have been been conditioned over the course of the past couple of generations to not question things like frequent GNOs, social media over-sharing, etc, and that, if we do, we're "controlling", "jealous", "insecure", etc.

What a bunch of bullsh*t.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I have been hurt pretty bad by adultery, but put people in jail for it?

First of all what matters, or should, is not an objective moral standard but the real harm done to others. Maybe some here would like to argue that a non-traditional family and sexual arrangements hurt society and should be punished but society does not feel pain, individuals do. 

Infidelity should be treated in the law as a breach of contract that affects the legal standing in a divorce for support and assets. This 'no fault' stuff is junk and takes away the value of contracting your marriage with the state for the partner with a higher economic value.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

After I learned of the smallest bit of my wife's affair, it was called a one-time thing, i was extrememly depressed--to the point of suicidal.

I was going to throw myself off a mountain. Only thing that stopped me was my kids. it pissed me off that iwould be gone and they would have my ex-wife as their only parental influence after that, knowing i killed myself.

So I shook off my self pity and forced myself to get it together.

Looking back, I could have used some anti-depressants and a good shrink.

It would have shortened the time it took me to dump that evil person.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm truly sorry this has happened to all of you and to read about how much it affects every facet of your life. Makes me worry about how the workplace would deal with this, either being supportive or being *******s about it. At my company, I have no doubt they would use this as an excuse to get rid of you. If you can't be 100% every day, they have a problem with it. Can you please share what your experience was in that regard?


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

I've lost 15 lbs so far in the 2 months since I found out. I haven't weighed in under 120 in 3 or 4 years. I don't eat dinner most nights because I can't stomach it, and I'm running a lot to distract myself. 

I had a bit of a breakdown while bathing my daughter the other night - hysterical ugly crying and I made her cry which just made me feel worse. It was a bad moment. Seems like the thoughts of how our lives are changing in ways I never predicted just bubble up out of nowhere and I suddenly lose it. That has not happened before - I think I'm getting into the grief phase...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I have been hurt pretty bad by adultery, but put people in jail for it?
> 
> First of all what matters, or should, is not an objective moral standard but the real harm done to others. Maybe some here would like to argue that a non-traditional family and sexual arrangements hurt society and should be punished but society does not feel pain, individuals do.
> 
> Infidelity should be treated in the law as a breach of contract that affects the legal standing in a divorce for support and assets. This 'no fault' stuff is junk and takes away the value of contracting your marriage with the state for the partner with a higher economic value.


I can't really get behind _criminalizing_ adultery, but I'm all for inflicting civil penalties for it, as well as leveraging AoA statutes in order to hold APs liable for their culpability in the dissolution of the marriage in question. After all, since most municipalities tend to view marriage as nothing more than a contract, shouldn't there be penalties for violating one of the key provisions of the contract?

Still, I definitely see problems w/ enforcement. So much of it will inevitably come down to he said/she said. Without definitive proof, how can anyone prove anything?

That said (and, as I've said before), each affair is different from every other. No two are the same. Here are a couple of (admittedly somewhat extreme) examples...

Take a guy that has treated his wife like sh*t for the duration of their marriage. He's verbally and emotionally abusive, drinks to excess, and -- when drunk -- is prone to physical violence. Despite his problems w/ alcohol, he manages to excel within his chosen profession and actually does quite well in terms of providing for his family (at least financially). As the years go by, however, the abuse takes its toll and the wife reaches a breaking point, and she eventually finds comfort in the arms of another man. Husband finds out, has a complete meltdown, and files for divorce.

Now imagine a completely different guy... jovial, hard-working, great provider, and is in every way supportive of his wife. As the years go by, he puts on a few pounds, becomes progressively more "housebroken", and the spark just isn't quite there for his wife anymore. Looking for a bit of excitement, she signs up for an AM account and starts hooking up w/ random guys on the side, and all under the the guise of "going out w/ the girls for the night". Eventually she meets someone that just completely rocks her world and files for divorce, leaving her clueless husband absolutely heartbroken and shell-shocked.

(Again, it's probably worth noting that the truth -- far more often than not -- probably lies somewhere between these two extremes.)

Sooo... which affair is worse? Is either of them in any way more "justifiable" -- or, at the very least, in some way more "understandable" -- than the other?

Keep in mind that, in both scenarios, the marriage in question is headed toward divorce.

The WW in the first scenario has never reported any of the abuse that she's suffered at the hands of her husband and, to make matters even worse for her, he's never shown any outward signs of being either an abuser or an alcoholic while at work. With nothing to back up her claims of abuse, how can she prove it? Basically it comes down to he said/she said, w/ any children involved thrown in the middle of it.

Now imagine that, in the second scenario, the WW -- having never suffered ANY type of abuse at the hands of her husband -- claims that her husband has abused her for years. Additionally, she's had her AP take pictures of her while wearing dated clothing and using an older Polaroid camera (and film!) in order to back up her claims.

So... to what extent should the alleged details of each situation be applied to how the divorce should be handled by the court?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I can't really get behind _criminalizing_ adultery, but I'm all for inflicting civil penalties for it, as well as leveraging AoA statutes in order to hold APs liable for their culpability in the dissolution of the marriage in question. After all, since most municipalities tend to view marriage as nothing more than a contract, shouldn't there be penalties for violating one of the key provisions of the contract?
> 
> Still, I definitely see problems w/ enforcement. So much of it will inevitably come down to he said/she said. Without definitive proof, how can anyone prove anything?
> 
> ...


Excellent and well thought out. It reminds me of the life lesson that that not all that is broken in the world can be fixed and efforts to do so, through stubbornness or legislation, often just leads to more collateral damage and suffering.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

badaboom said:


> I've lost 15 lbs so far in the 2 months since I found out. I haven't weighed in under 120 in 3 or 4 years. I don't eat dinner most nights because I can't stomach it, and I'm running a lot to distract myself.
> 
> I had a bit of a breakdown while bathing my daughter the other night - hysterical ugly crying and I made her cry which just made me feel worse. It was a bad moment. Seems like the thoughts of how our lives are changing in ways I never predicted just bubble up out of nowhere and I suddenly lose it. That has not happened before - I think I'm getting into the grief phase...


I'm so sorry, badaboom. I did not like this phase at all. I remember the hysterical ugly crying. It was as if waterfalls, not tears, were coming from my eyes, and my insides felt like I was being constantly punched.

I didn't eat dinner at all for about two months, also - just couldn't. Started walking for miles at a time at dinner time because it was the only way to clear my head. Now, the walking has become a habit that I actually look forward to every day, and my appetite has mostly returned. The Depression stage is almost completely gone, but I have setbacks, like today, when I know the OW is in town for a week and staying with my STBX at his place that is only 15 minutes away from mine, and he is on top of the world while my son and I are down here in the trenches.

What saved (and keeps saving) me from this stage is rage. I know I keep saying this, but I couldn't have gotten (largely) past the grief without it. This morning, I was fighting back tears with all the mind movies going through my head of the Sex Fest 2015 they must be having over there. Then my buddy Anger paid me a visit after reading some posts here from poor dearhearts like you who are going through very similar things. I took a walk fueled by that anger, and now I feel better again.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

(((badaboom)))

(((Nomorebeans)))

Hugs to you both


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm so sorry, badaboom. I did not like this phase at all. I remember the hysterical ugly crying. It was as if waterfalls, not tears, were coming from my eyes, and my insides felt like I was being constantly punched.
> 
> I didn't eat dinner at all for about two months, also - just couldn't. Started walking for miles at a time at dinner time because it was the only way to clear my head. Now, the walking has become a habit that I actually look forward to every day, and my appetite has mostly returned. The Depression stage is almost completely gone, but I have setbacks, like today, when I know the OW is in town for a week and staying with my STBX at his place that is only 15 minutes away from mine, and he is on top of the world while my son and I are down here in the trenches.
> 
> What saved (and keeps saving) me from this stage is rage. I know I keep saying this, but I couldn't have gotten (largely) past the grief without it. This morning, I was fighting back tears with all the mind movies going through my head of the Sex Fest 2015 they must be having over there. Then my buddy Anger paid me a visit after reading some posts here from poor dearhearts like you who are going through very similar things. I took a walk fueled by that anger, and now I feel better again.


Yep - anger is what gets me through too. I just pull up something that reminds me of what a jerk he is and brings back the anger. 

I'm so sorry about what you're dealing with today. That sounds awful. I'm glad you found help in exercise, it's amazing what it does to curb some of the emotions (though I have cried on my treadmill a few times).


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Nearly 4 years from DDay 1, FR, Dday 2 and while the horrible depression I felt then is faded, I still have bad days...

We never separated, struggled thru FR with both of them occasionally contacting each other for chats(as if they could keep up some sort of friendship!). On DDay 2, WH finally admits he had an affair with different OW 20 years ago. At this point he comes clean and insists he has been completely honest with me and has had NC with OWs since then. I am vigilant, and verify and I believe him. He is ashamed, regretful and trying to make amends.

Yet he cannot understand why I cannot let it go, because he was the adulterer, he has no real comprehension of the deep trauma and brokenness I felt and still struggle with from time to time. He does not realize that while I, for the most part, am happy, look like I am enjoying life, look like I am satisfied with rebuilding our marriage, the burden that he placed on my heart is always just underneath the surface.

For the WS, finally admitting their deception, ending the affair and supposedly living a redeemed life takes the burden off their shoulders and so it does...right on the shoulders of the BS! They can easily choose to leave behind their guilt and be happy because the BS who reconciles takes on their burden... we live for the rest of our life with the grief, loss, the suspicions, the questions, the resentment, anger that their selfishness gave us, no matter whether we reconcile or divorce. 

My depression at the beginning was all consuming but as I worked through the post traumatic stress over the years, I have come to a better place: I accept the past, I have regained my self-worth to a great degree, and I understand it was not about me but about the selfishness of the adulterers. I do not depend on FWH for my happiness anymore, although we have come to a point where we make each other happy enough to stay together. But I have not gotten over the loss of all those years I was deceived and the feeling that what I believed to be a unique bond between my husband and I was false. I gave that bond as a gift of our marriage and myself but he threw it away. No matter what he does now or in the future will ever retrieve it once lost. I struggle to forgive them all for my own sake but I have not achieved it after 4 years.

Yes, we have a better marriage in all aspects than we did 4 or 20years ago. For that I am grateful and hopeful it can become even better but if you were to ask me if I thought the pain of infidelity was worth the better marriage, I would answer, we could have had the better marriage 20 years ago if there had been less selfishness and more honesty and understanding. And no, the pain is not worth it!


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> I struggle to forgive them all for my own sake but I have not achieved it after 4 years.


Indeed, it is the most monumental struggle many of us will ever have. For me it has certainly proven to be a process instead of an event. Three steps forward, two steps back. 

I think, for many of us, it would be easier if the wayward had an inkling of what they have put us through, but it would be folly to ever expect that to happen. At least, in this life. 

I agree with many that it would be nice to adjust our legal code to not reward cheaters, but the reality, as Gus pointed out, is there are too many variables to take into account. Besides, can you really trust our government to implement it all correctly? I'm afraid such legislation would only make big government bigger and more burdensome to us. 

One thing I do wish had been implemented years ago ... I wish my parents had known what I now know about life and had taught me how to navigate potential pitfalls that are common in relationships. I would like to think I would have listened and maybe spared me so much grief. Who knows? 

I am mentor to a few young men and try to pass along wisdom according to their receptiveness, in fact I'm attending a wedding reception for one tonight. I've influenced some to read Married mans sex life primer. Maybe I've contributed to a small bit of success in their futures? I wish someone had done that for me back in the day.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I opened up a 10K credit card and damn it to hell walked into a jewelry store and bought a rolex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CTPlay said:


> I opened up a 10K credit card and damn it to hell walked into a jewelry store and bought a rolex.


Dude. Damn.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

CTPlay said:


> I opened up a 10K credit card and damn it to hell walked into a jewelry store and bought a rolex.


You rock!


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Is it better to be envious or bitter?


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