# New marriage with terrible sex life



## uwilltap1029 (Mar 15, 2013)

Hello all,

My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married for 2. We have no kids together and are 32 and 29 years old.

My wife is a very smart and pretty woman whom I'm very attracted to. We both have good careers; neither of which require super long hours.

My issue is this: Our sex life is terrible and my wife has no interest in making it better.

My wife has no interest in oral play (either of us), foreplay of any kind, pretty much only missionary, (she may get in top once a year for my birthday- For a minute or two), no sex toys, no porn to get in the mood, never initiates, never orgasms (and doesn't care to) - You get the picture. 

I am quite the opposite in my preferences and sexual past. I do pretty much anything.

I will say this- She's never had much of a sex drive however, she does have sex with me 2-3 times a week. My wife does have some medical problems with her back which cause her pain down the legs so I take that into account. No past sexual trauma on her side. 

Sadly, I'm at a point where the sex is so boring it's hard to orgasm. Lately I stop mid way through. Most of the time, I hope she doesn't ask if I want to have sex with her. I can tell she asks out of obligation and when I'm on top of her, she is usually looking around with a blank stare. Such a turn off to see she's not into it at all. 

I've tried to talk to her about it but she doesn't really care to discuss it.

I'm 32 and feel my sex life is pretty much over. Not trying to be dramatic but I'm married to a woman who has no interest in sex. I think I could probably go without it for a long time but I can tell she is disappointed when I turn her down- Which I've done a lot lately. 

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

uwilltap1029 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married for 2. We have no kids together and are 32 and 29 years old.
> 
> ...


Rather than be blunt I would explain it like this to your wife.
While dancing,a woman may let the man lead but she has to move her feet too.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

uwilltap1029 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married for 2. We have no kids together


I stopped reading here. You have no excuse to stay.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uwilltap1029 said:


> I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?


If you don't like it you ought to divorce her.


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## uwilltap1029 (Mar 15, 2013)

Well for the most part, I enjoy my life and marriage.

The sex part is important to me but I'm willing to give it up and would, if she wouldn't ask. 

Idk. Maybe she will cheat on me or something eventually but I don't know how I can have sex with her like this for the next 30 or so years.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well no-one can save you from yourself, so don't let me or anyone else discourage you from pressing on regardless.

Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you've sat her down and told her that her idea of sex and your idea of sex are not anywhere close? Have you told her that her lack of passion has ruined your desire to make love to your own wife?

If you haven't, why? Things will do nothing but get worse until you take action.

I do fear that you're getting all she is able to give you. She may just not want or need any sex. Or, you may find you're not giving her what she needs as far as foreplay. 

You should be like rabbits now. If I had to guess, I'd say you'll be in a sexless marriage by your or her choice soon. Why would you want a woman that doesn't want to share such a wonderful thing with you?

Do you consider yourself unworthy somehow?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You're long overdue for a "Come to Jesus Meeting!"

Married life is not supposed to be lived this way, because just as it is the H's duty to meet her sexual needs, among others, it is conversely her duty as his W to meet those very same needs of his!

If this "meeting" with her fails to sustain closure in this area, then perhaps another meeting with a good family law attorney about separation and divorce will do just that!*


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

She just is not into you.

For whatever reason.

She just does not want to have sex with you.

Next.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant understand why you married her after 3 years together knowing what you did. Yet you now complain about it. You married her knowing that she wasn't really interested. She didn't lie about it, or pretend. You had the chance to end it then. 

BTW, porn use is a no no for us as well, as it is for many women(and men).


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

No marriage is perfect. It sounds like your wife IS willing to do what she can to make you happy. You need to have a honest conversation with her but be sensitive. There a problem in your marriage and it's sex, so address it with her, don't let her dismiss it. You have to do everything on your end to fix the problem and it starts by communicating the problem to your wife. Not in a passing by comment, but in a... honey there is something I need to discuss with you, can we talk after dinner? Serious type of conversation. Don't be passive. Sit down and address the issue.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

uwilltap1029 said:


> *My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married for 2.* We have no kids together and are 32 and 29 years old.
> 
> My wife is a very smart and pretty woman whom I'm very attracted to. We both have good careers; neither of which require super long hours.
> 
> ...


 Why did you continue to date your wife, much less marry her, if you were so sexually incompatible? 



uwilltap1029 said:


> Well for the most part, I enjoy my life and marriage.
> 
> The sex part is important to me but *I'm willing to give it up and would, if she wouldn't ask.*



Tell her this. Communicate your concerns. Let her know that you are not trying to change her and that you're okay without sex, but that you do not want to continue with the duty sex. 

I also recommend marital counseling with a therapist trained in sex therapy. They may help you find some compromise. At the very least, they'll teach you how to communicate. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Has she always been like this from the beginning, If not when did it change? 

Has she been like this in all of her previous relationships? 

You admit she is not satisfied with the sex you are having. Have you talked with her about that to find out what she likes?

How easy are you to be attracted to? Does she respect you as a man or feel like you are a sad puppy she just needs to deal with from time to time? In other words are you a nice guy who caters to her every need at the expense of your own manhood or a strong confident man?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Here we go again. Another grown man that does not have the balls to do what he needs to do in order to get what he wants. Typical beta man that is afraid to rock the boat, and prefers to sacrifice himself before he would act like a man. 

Based on the way he has responded on his posts, this guy won't do a thing, and will live his life the way it has been going, until one day when he is too old to do anything he would realize that his life has already passed him by.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If she has always been like this it is unlikely to get better. You have to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> Here we go again. Another grown man that does not have the balls to do what he needs to do in order to get what he wants. Typical beta man that is afraid to rock the boat, and prefers to sacrifice himself before he would act like a man.
> 
> Based on the way he has responded on his posts, this guy won't do a thing, and will live his life the way it has been going, until one day when he is too old to do anything he would realize that his life has already passed him by.


You need to stop it with talking about the original posters on threads in the 3rd person. You post is attacking and name calling. Both are not allowed on TAM because it's not helpful.

If I see another post like this from you, you will be enjoying a time-out.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Talk to your wife, don't get angry or pout. Just talk her the truth, your sex life is boring and you're not being turned on. Also, figure out how to turn her on. She's a sexual creature even if she represses her sexuality, she can be turned on by physical touch and emotional connection. Figure her out. Tell her things have got to change and that you can't be happy, don't not say divorce but make it sound like you both have no other choice if you want the marriage to work the sex has to be much better. If in a couple of months it doesn't change bring it up again. If still no change, suggest a separation. You've got to light a fire under her fridges butt. She's got to be so afraid of losing you that she'd do anything for the marriage, she needs to know it has to come from her changing in order for it to work out. That way she feels guilt for not being better in bed. Work on yourself, go out with the guys, take up a hobby or sport, try golf. Make her a little jealous. You've got to keep her on her toes and anxious to please you.


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## uwilltap1029 (Mar 15, 2013)

I've been through a divorce before. Having done that, I understand there see other many things to consider. Financial stability is one of them. I really don't want a divorce. I enjoy my time with her and love her very deeply. 

Is a ****ty sex life worth throwing all that away? I really don't know. I'm just questioning if it's something I'm willing to give up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

uwilltap1029 said:


> Is a ****ty sex life worth throwing all that away? I really don't know. I'm just questioning if it's something I'm willing to give up.


Only you can answer that question. At 32, are you okay with loving her for who she is and foregoing sex or merely having a really "vanilla" sex life?

We're just a bunch of strangers in cyberspace. I can give you my take on it, but I'm not you. No, I couldn't stay in a marriage with a partner who was indifferent to sex. Sure, I could love them, but it would be more like a great friendship type of love. Giving up the passionate, intimate connection a couple can have would not be an option for me. But I'm not you.

I'd say some deep self-examination/introspection is in order. Nobody here can do that for you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If I had a dime for every guy who marries a girl knowing that they are not good at sex or want it much, hoping that they will magically change after marriage, I would have a lot of dimes just from those who post online. You got what you saw when you married. The time to complain was before entering into a lifetime contract that is very expensive monetarily and emotionally, to break. I will never understand why guys marry girls who are not sexually compatible with them and then complain about it.

My wife was a virgin at 19 when we met but I insisted that we have sex months before marriage because I wanted to be sure she liked it and was compatible with me. She was and still is 45 years later. She is having some of the best orgasms of her life at the age of 65. Best part was when her medical problems interfered with our sex life, hips and several operations on her Cervix and Ovaries, she asked her best friend to have sex with me and then gave her a room in our home. My wife was better with sex with a girl since it was gentler and no penetration was wanted. We lived as a poly triad for 30 years which were problem free. It was hell when they had their period near each other but the regula threesomes made it worth it. I married a woman that was very concerned with my sexual pleasure so I got what I saw. Not many wives would ask their best friends to have sex with their husband. She loves the heck out of me still and I love her for what she did for me. I took a few psychology courses in college that were geared to marriage and relationships. I learned that adult rarely change and I kept that in mind during our dating process.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're going to eventually be primed for cheating. There's only so long you'll accept meager sex before you'll stray to get it outside of the marriage.

So my suggestion would be to end the marriage and take the moral high ground to have what you value.

If you're starving and 20% of the pie is made of squid ink, but 80% of the pie is pumpkin (or something else you like), and you HAVE to abide by the rules of eating ALL of the pie or NONE of the pie, what would you do?

She's very unlikely to change unless you have a come to Jesus moment.

I'm just curious... In 3 years of dating you really had no idea she was like this?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

uwilltap1029 said:


> I've been through a divorce before. Having done that, I understand there see other many things to consider. Financial stability is one of them. I really don't want a divorce. I enjoy my time with her and love her very deeply.
> 
> Is a ****ty sex life worth throwing all that away? I really don't know. I'm just questioning if it's something I'm willing to give up.


The problem is that this will slowly eat away at you. Sure, right now it seems like you could probably learn to live with it. Or once in a while it helps to pretend that things will somehow magically get better (they won't). This will only get worse, trust me. In the coming years, the resentment and hurt will grow. Five years from now it will affect your feelings of self-worth. You'll feel like a failure. "I'm the guy who's so unattractive and worthless that even his own wife isn't interested. Am I even really a man?" But by this time you'll have 2 kids, and untangling yourself from her will be a nightmare. "If she really loved me, wouldn't she give herself to me willingly and enthusiastically? Why can't she be bothered to work on this?"

As you can probably tell, I speak from experience. Your best bet is to distance yourself from her and see what happens. Stop initiating. Start spending more time out of the house, away from her, pursuing hobbies or exercising at the gym. Does she even notice? This is not just to test her, mind you, it is so that you can develop a sense of self-worth that is independent of her or her approval. 

Some people will tell you to sit down and have a talk with her. Note that people who aren't interested in sex aren't good at talking honestly about it either. Some of them have never even thought about the real reasons for their disinterest and are incapable of engaging in adult conversation about an adult subject. They'll provide excuses, promises, deflections just to get you to change the subject and return to the status quo. 

My situation was like yours--even worse. My wife wasn't interested, wasn't even willing to work on becoming interested. She never offered or initiated like your wife does. She didn't even seem to understand how important it was to me, despite the fact that I explained it to her clearly. I just wasn't worth the effort, it seemed. Ironically, things only got better on the day I told her that I was giving up on intimacy with her. But by that point, there was permanent damage. Don't let it get to this point. You need to address this now, not wait for some magical epiphany on her part. This is toxic. 

Whatever you do, do not have kids with her until you've resolved this issue to your satisfaction.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

uwilltap1029 said:


> I've been through a divorce before. Having done that, . Financial stability .
> 
> Is a ****ty sex life worth throwing all that away? I really don't know. I'm just questioning if it's something I'm willing to give up.



Only YOU can decide what the cost of a divorce means to you.

If the costs of splitting the assets means more to you than what you proclaim you want and can never get- then don't file.

We all know that you know that a divorce is going to jam you financially- no getting out of that- cheaper to keep her-- no sex may be worth it to you -


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Advice? Yeah, don't have kids with this woman.

Next, I would invest some money into a really good porn collection. Might as well get a good collection of masturbation toys while you're at it. 

Then resigned to the fact that she doesn't like sex, understand it will become less and less frequent over the years. Once a week becomes once a month. Then once every three months, then once a year if you are lucky. 

Resentment will build up. Next thing you know you are seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce after wasting years of your life in a sexless marriage. This is where my first piece of advice comes in. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER! It will make your divorce so much easier.

I'm sure she is a fine woman, I'm not bashing her. Truth is sexual incompatibility NEVER results in a long term happy marriage for both partners. Neither of you are bad people, you just weren't meant for each other. 

Don't settle next time. Find a woman who meets all of your basic needs and do not compromise on any of them. 

For the love of all things holy, do not have children with her!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sandcastle said:


> We all know that you know that a divorce is going to jam you financially- no getting out of that- cheaper to keep her-- no sex may be worth it to you -


At 5 years married with no kids, a divorce would barely be a blip on the financial radar. At 10 or 15 or 20 years, maybe add in a kid or two, and the divorce could be financially devastating.
@uwilltap1029, if you decide to divorce over this serious incompatibility, do it sooner rather than later.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Advice? Yeah, don't have kids with this woman.
> 
> Next, I would invest some money into a really good porn collection. Might as well get a good collection of masturbation toys while you're at it.
> 
> ...



This needs to be shouted from the mountain top.

Don't put a baby in this woman.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> At 5 years married with no kids, a divorce would barely be a blip on the financial radar.


Unless she is supporting him and or is the primary breadwinner or earns the lions share of the income etc, and he fears losing the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to on her dime?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Personal said:


> Unless she is supporting him and or is the primary breadwinner or earns the lions share of the income etc, and he fears losing the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to on her dime?


In a case like that, I'd still suggest leaving sooner rather than later. It's easier to start over and get your life straight when you're younger rather than older.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sure, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't have married her in the first place. Or if I was foolish enough to do that, I would have ended the marriage years ago.

Yet he cites financial reasons, which ought to be for the most part negligible to nonexistent absent kids and a long marriage. So the only thing I can come up with for such hesitancy for financial reasons, is that she is probably carrying him, or he is simply misinformed.

Not that it matters, since he seems unwilling to do anything to help himself.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Why did you marry her? Sounds like she has been like this since you have been together.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

uwilltap1029 said:


> Well for the most part, I enjoy my life and marriage.
> 
> The sex part is important to me but I'm willing to give it up and would, if she wouldn't ask.
> 
> Idk. Maybe she will cheat on me or something eventually but I don't know how I can have sex with her like this for the next 30 or so years.


You enjoy your life and marriage now. In 20 years you won't if this stays the same.

You won't. Trust me.

And then you will have resentment towards her and anger at yourself. With a side off regret and bitterness.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Personal said:


> Sure, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't have married her in the first place. Or if I was foolish enough to do that, I would have ended the marriage years ago.
> 
> Yet he cites financial reasons, which ought to be for the most part negligible to nonexistent absent kids and a long marriage. So the only thing I can come up with for such hesitancy for financial reasons, is that she is probably carrying him, or he is simply misinformed.
> 
> Not that it matters, since he seems unwilling to do anything to help himself.


Some men truly believe that divorce will ruin them, they'll lose everything and spend the rest of their lives paying alimony, all because that's what they hear. The truth is, of course, that length of marriage, premarital vs post marital assets, state law, and a host of other factors come into play.

There are also some men who, despite their unhappiness, feel obligated to stay because their spouse cannot support themselves in a decent fashion on their own.

"Financial reasons" can mean so many things, but you are right. Speculation is useless of OP is unwilling to make a change.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

uwilltap1029 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> *My wife and I have been together for about 5 years, married for 2. We have no kids together and are 32 and 29 years old.*
> 
> ...


I think you answered your own question.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@unwilltap1029. ...I think you know in your heart that living like this is not what you can do for very much longer.....but the guilt of thinking about leaving is eating away at you.
Sure...you love her...you care about her ...you enjoy her company.....all well and good.....if you’re good friends.

A healthy marriage especially at your age requires a healthy sex life....and healthy isn’t her offering herself to you 2 or 3 times a week for starfish sex....it’s both of you showing passion towards each other and meeting each other’s sexual needs and desires.
This is just my opinion....but you seem like a man with a HD and sexual experimentation desires......what you are getting from your wife is turning you off rather than turning you on.

A marriage as young as yours deserves passion fun and robust participation from both of you to keep that bond alive that differentiates you from being friends to married passionate lovers.

Think hard about this....it’s only going to get worse.


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