# Want Better Sex



## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

I just found this forum and I wish I had found this years ago!

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Before marriage our sex life was great. She was open and seemingly uninhibited. I knew I was up for a challenge when she did not want to have sex on our wedding night and then on our honeymoon for two weeks in Hawaii she said there was no need for us to have sex every day. I responded that there seemed to be no reason to not have sex everyday on our honeymoon.

Long story short, we have three kids and (aside from the sex) have a good marriage. My wife has stayed at home with the kids for the past 12 years. In no way do I mention that as a way of saying she does not work because she has tons to do with three busy boys!

It just comes down to the sex. She is not very comfortable with her sexuality (even after 18 years of marriage). Over the past 2 years my bitterness and resentment has reached really high levels. I question why I even work hard to provide for everybody in a family where I am not appreciated and desired. I keep myself in good shape, have turned down numerous opportunities from other women but I can't get my wife interested in me.

She has a very difficult time reaching orgasm with me. She can through oral sex though only if she is in the right mood.

Before kids, she would permit me to go down on her but now she refuses and tells me I just need to get over it. I really don't want to get over it because I feel one of my duties is to please her physically. Not to mention, it is such a turn on to see her enjoying herself and letting loose!

We do have sex about 2 times a month (which is way, way less than I need) but I just feel like she is agreeing to it to please me. The whole act is aimed at me finishing rather than enjoying each and making each other feel desired, attractive and loved.

I don't want to leave the marriage but over the past year I have been fantasizing about having an affair. I have not done that and I do not want to, but the current state of our sex life has left me depressed and feeling lonely in a house of 5 people. I feel isolated and unloved. I don't like it.

I have been talking to her more and more about it and she is really trying but she is just not comfortable. A few days ago we had sex and she got on top and I told her that she looked "so damn sexy". As an aside, she is gorgeous and should (rationally) have no problems or issues with her body or whether she does look sexy.

But me telling her that she looked sexy made her uncomfortable; she rolled over and had us continue in missionary.

I am so bummed out about it and I don't want to sound petty but I have a high sex drive and I think sex in marriage should be fun for both spouses. Right now I feel like I am offered pity sex. I want her to allow me to go down on her and have her orgasm. Maybe then, she will like sex better.

Any suggestions would be welcome! Sex counseling maybe? Thanks!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. I'm sure it hurts very much.

So the sex stopped on the wedding night but prior to that was she an enthusiastic participant on a regular basis? Has she had many other sex partners or are you her first? How old was she when you two first had sex and how old was she when she first had sex?

You say she doesn't orgasm easily, that's good to know. She also reacts badly to sexy talk...what about regular compliments? Does she roll her eyes and look annoyed?

She doesn't talk about sex, have you ever asked her if she masturbates? Do you know if she does? If so how often?

What religion was she raised with and how was sex talked about or not in her family?


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

Wow, Anon you really asked the right questions...

She was raised in a very conservative Christian family. 

She first had sex at 15. 

We were married when she was 24, I was 26. 

She had 5 sex partners before me. 

We do go to church and identify ourselves as Christain but she has really moved off the super conservative stuff. 

We had a good sex life before marriage and it did change pretty rapidly. 

She is trying but I need her to just let go. Earlier in my life I was always vocal about sex and what I needed. For some reason, she has kind of shut off that voice. I tried with the sexy comment but was shut down...

Thanks for responding!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duke45 said:


> She has a very difficult time reaching orgasm with me. She can through oral sex though only if she is in the right mood.


Can you talk a bit more about this?

Are you thinking that she should be able to orgasm through intercourse?


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

I missed a couple questions....

As far as masturbating, I bought her her first vibrator before we were married and now she does and is pretty open about it. I don't know how much but would guess a couple times a month at most. 

I did buy us the We Vibe and we used it once (I loved it -- the last time she had an orgasm with me present) but she always makes excuses to not use it now. 

She always had a tough time having an orgasm but it is much worse now. She has been on Zoloft since having our last kid and I think it is making it even worse. I have asked her to talk to her doctor about it and she freaked out like "how could I talk about that". 

Thanks for responding. I have felt like I have not had anyone to talk to about this..,,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She won't talk to her doctor about changing medications because the Zoloft might be inhibiting her sex drive?

How old are your children?

Is she on birth control?


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

I don't think she should necessarily be able to orgasm through intercourse. I am just saying I am willing to perform oral at the outset and have her orgasm before intercourse. 

She is not willing to talk to her doctor about her mess because she is embarrassed to talk about it. One of the reasons she said did not like to be pregnant was that her parents knew she had sex. 

No birth control for us. She had C sections and her tubes were tied. 

Thanks!


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

Oh one more, we have 3 boys -- 12, 9 and 7.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I felt the same way when I first found TAM. 

She's hiding her sexuality from you. The Zoloft complicates matters greatly!

So, hiding herself away where she can let herself go in a safe environment without anyone to judge her. Not that you make her feel judged, this is entirely her perception.

She doesn't seem to be comfortable with her sexuality and there are ways you can help her get more comfortable but it will take some thick skin on your part.

There are many things she could be doing too, but she has to be willing to do them.

When you talk about wanting sex more, she hears this as "you're inadequate." When you give her compliments, she turns them away because a good woman is supposed to be modest and modesty never reacts to flattery.

So you give her a sexy compliment and when she rolls her eyes you lean in, hold her face, wait for eye contact and tell her "there is nothing wrong with a man who thinks his wife is sexy as hell and desires her!" Then you tell her to smile and say thank you. Each time you get a negative response to compliments that's what you do. Thick skin because at first she'll be shocked, then she'll start pushing back. Thick skin!

How's that sitting with you so far?


So why is she on zoloft and how long has she been on it?


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

I am new and do not know how to edit posts. 

She is not willing to talk to her doctor about her meds not mess. Sorry it read more judgmental than certainly intended.


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

Anon,

I like your advice. It is a bit strange because she loves compliments. She needs them and eats them up. It is just during sex when she clams up and becomes someone different. 

I also agree with you that she is sexual deep inside she just has some barriers right now. Also, I won't plead holier than though. My bitterness about feeling undesired has not made me the best husband. 

The fact that our 7 year old is in our bed right now with my wife is probably the real issue...I just feel rejected.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m assuming you know this, but just in case… Only about 25% of women can orgasm from intercourse.
Basically it sounds like despite the fact that your wife started her sex life early, she’s now got a lot of hang up now about being the ‘pure’ woman. Or it’s a good excuse to avoid sex.
Do her parents have a huge hang up about sex? 
I believe that Zoloft is usually a sex drive killer. Is her doctor a male? If so, maybe she would be more comfortable talking to a female doctor. If she will not talk to the doctor about the sex drive effect of Zoloft, would she let you do it? 

When was the last time she had her medications reviewed? Is there any sign that the Zoloft might not be working well for her. For example, does she have low energy? How about lack of interest or concentration?

The reason I ask is that if her sex drive has become even lower than it was before, it might be that it’s due to the meds and the same lethargy about her sex drive is showing up elsewhere. That might be a different angle to explore.

There is a book that might help you in talking to your wife: “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. It has some strong material in it explaining to women like your wife that sex is usually the highest emotional need for a man. Dr. Harley comes from a Christian perspective. The book is one of the best ones out there to teach a couple to identify their needs, how to discuss them and how to get them met. If you can afford it, you might even want to get a phone session with Dr. Harley. I’m sure he’s had clients with your issues before. Since your wife has come from an evangelical background.. he or his staff might be a good resource for you.

Can you give use more of an idea of what your marriage is like? How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duke45 said:


> I am new and do not know how to edit posts.


Look at the bottom right corner of the post you want to edit. There is a button that says "edit".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have every right to feel rejected for many reasons, to include a 7 year old sleeping in your bed. 

There is reason that she has the 7 year old there. It's to prevent sex. She will say because he needs her. But it's because she needs him to be there.

My son's father did that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duke, is there any way you can talk to your pastor and see if there is a woman in your church who can talk to your wife? Hopefully there is a woman who can help her realize that her attitude about sex is not what is required to be a good Christian woman... that sex is a good thing.


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

Thank you so much for the feedback. The Dr. Harley book and consultation may be perfect. 

As far as her parents, they never spoke to her about the sex. The only time her mother spoke to my wife about it was on the eve of our wedding night and my wife shut her down. It was way too late for that. 

Her parents are now divorced. Her Dad told me what I did not want to hear after the divorce. Basically he said he never had sex and when they did it was like having sex with a doll. For obvious reasons, I have not mentioned that to my wife. 

My wife is awesome. Everyone loves her and everyone thinks she is pretty but she just can't give me what I need. Thank you so much. Even discussing this is so helpful.


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

EleGirl -- I have been looking into discussing this with our pastor. At a prior church the pastor used to preach that sex in marriage is awesome. I have reached out to him a few days ago and have not heard back yet. But you are right, that is probably the best solution. 

Thank you so much.


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## Duke45 (Dec 9, 2014)

EleGirl,

You completely right. We have had so many arguments about our kid in our bed. Even to the point where our 9 year old told our 7 year old that if he kept sleeping there we may get a divorce. He is such a old soul and right!

It kills me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ilaurenzv said:


> You say she doesn't orgasm easily, that's good to know.[ img ]http : //e healthc a. co m/12h.jpg[ / i m g ][i m g ]http://eh ealthca . c om/uk3.jpg[ / i m g ]


looks like we have a scammer hitting us again with "tracking pixels".

Ignore this post.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Start smoking, it causes impotence.

If you cant beat 'em, join 'em!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Getting the kids out of the bed is only going to go so far into fixing this. However, if you can get her on board with kids sleeping in their own bed that would go a long way toward fixing things. She knows having your son in the bed is an impediment to sex and intimacy, that's why she allows it. She doesn't want sex and intimacy.

Your first priority is to make damn sure you are acting like the kind of husband that an uptight and repressed wife will WANT to have sex with. 

1. Check your resentment. No one can blame you for having it, but it is adding fuel to the wrong fire so do try.
2. Nonsexual affection on a daily basis is vital.
3. Make that alone time positive as best you can.
4. Intimacy is not just physical, the emotional intimacy is vital for good physical intimacy.
5. Seek first to understand, second to be understood. Get her talking. Get her laughing, have a pillow fight, tickle her. Make this alone time non threatening and fun.
6. Discuss with her what she sees as important lessons so that her son's know how to become good husband. This could be your key so listen closely. What kinds of things do she think her son's need to know in order to be a good husband and have a happy marriage?

You're going to have to have a discussion about her inability to discuss sex and your sex life. Does she feel ashamed about her sexuality?

Give this some times to change the status quo. Then have the needs talk. She must come to understand what sex means for you and your happiness. She needs to be challenged about her belief that you "just need to get your rocks off" and instead understand how deeply important to feeling loved sex is.

You have to approach this as a couples problem and not just HER problem. She has to feel like you're on her side in helping her let go of the sexual repression so that you both can be as emotionally intimate as possible.

This is a good web site for sexually uptight and repressed christian women to unlearn the shame and guilt they so typically feel regarding sex. Christian Nymphos | Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be! insist your wife spend some time here every day. Check out the web site together.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening duke45
First - try to do something about the zoloft. That by itself could be killing her desire. Anti-depressants have some really nasty side effects, and tend to be way over prescribed. 

Also, look at the LD/HD threads on this site, its a common and very serious problem. It doesn't often end well.

I doubt it is anything you are doing or not doing. She doesn't want or care about sex, and whatever you do, there will always be another reason. Unless she decides she wants sex, this won't get better. Your one real hope here is that it is the medication.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ah yes, using the children in bed as a shield against intimacy. I know that tactic well.

Elegirl and AP have you zeroed in pretty well. The Zoloft is definitely not helping things but I don't think that's the root of your problem as much as the baggage she likely got from her mother. If you can get her to talk to her doctor, have her ask about switching to Wellbutrin, or at least a Zoloft/Wellbutrin combo. That has a good shot at alleviating some of the physical causes going on here.

The bigger issue as I said is her sexual repression. There's no quick fix for this one unfortunately. Building trust and some serious counseling are your best bets. Also, before getting counseling with a pastor, I SERIOUSLY recommend doing your homework on your pastor's stance on the matter. Some pastors are awesome about this, but some will give you absolutely lousy advice. Remember that when a pastor gives you lousy advice, your wife may hear that as having the weight of God's word behind it. This can set you back immeasurably.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Better living through chemistry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife's utlimate goal in life was to be a mother.

She needed a husband to attain that goal.

She needed to act sexual to attain the goal of a husband.

Use this information to your advantage.

Meaning: Can she be a good mother if she causes the destruction of her children's family? Can you use your understanding of what makes your wife sexual by making her understand that she loses her marriage and her abililty to consider herself a great mother if she refuses to be a sexual wife?


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