# Can a marriage really be saved after infidelity? Is it worth it?



## bhp (Nov 22, 2017)

I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together? 

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I have spent 16 years with my wife. We’re 35/41, my wife being the younger of the two. In 2014, our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer when she was 7 months old. She spent 2 years in treatment, in and out of the hospital. My wife stopped working so that she could care for our daughter (and other kids) better. I took a higher paying job to support us on one income, however I was working away from home. I was gone for 3 weeks, home for 1 week and repeat. Those 2 years were very rough on us as individuals, parents, and a couple. 

Our daughter had many stays in the hospital, the longest being from December 2015 to June 2016. During this stay my wife met another parent who was staying on the floor with their child and in the same support group. This is where I will try my best to remain objective. The other parent was a single father, and my wife spent 7 months slowly building a friendship and connection with him (December 2015-June 2016). In May 2016 my wife kissed him for the first time. She had sex with him twice. Then ended it. The whole “relationship” was about 3 weeks, ending 2 weeks before our daughter was discharged. 

My wife hid the secret from May-June 2016 until last week. She told me unprompted and this isn’t something that I had the slightest clue about. 

Now to be open about my thoughts. Those two years was the hardest time in our lives. In a time when our daughter needed us most, my wife went and had sex with another man. In a time when our other kids were struggling to have their attention needs met, my wife took time away from them to have sex with another man. In a time when we were severely struggling with our relationship as husband and wife, my wife decided to devote what little time and energy she had to another man. 

It was extremely hard for me to be away for 75% of the worst 2 years of our lives. I wasn’t able to be there for my daughter and every time she chooses my wife over me I feel reminded of the times that I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t able to be their for our other children when they were scared and struggling. Our oldest child struggles with feelings from that time, and feeling abandoned and less than. My marriage took a huge hit. I wasn’t able to be there for my wife and support her through this. In turn, I had jealousy that my wife was able to be there and I wasn’t. I understand that my wife struggled a lot as well. She was essentially a single parent during that time and had no support. I did what I could, but being 8 hours away there wasn’t much that phone calls did during that time. We had no family support, and I know at times I became distant to try and remove myself from the pain of the situation. She cheated with a man who was there for her when I couldn’t be, and that makes me feel more like **** than ever before. She felt closer to another man, confided more in another man, trusted another man more. Another man helped her more. Then helped himself to my wife. 

My wife has said and shown that she feels horrible that she had an affair. Her reasoning for hiding it from me was because our marriage was unstable and she didn’t think we’d survive it (probably true). She didn’t want to make our children’s lives harder and turn them upside down even more. Her reasoning for telling me now is because I “deserved” to know and she feels like we are at a point that our marriage can handle it. 

I’m at a loss at what to do here. I love her, and I hate her for what she did. I don’t think it has really set in, yet. It’s not something that I could ever see my wife doing. I met her when she was 19 and a virgin. We’ve had ups and downs but far more ups than downs. One of the main things running non-stop through my mind is "What now?".


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Tough call my man and ultimately its up to you. I generally conclude that a woman that cheats has lost romantic interest that seldom, if ever returns, and reconciliation gives nothing more than a severely scaled down version of the original marriage. Your case however has some extenuating circumstances. The stress brought about by the child's sickness coupled with your reduced physical presents would have taken its toll on most women. It became a perfect storm of sorts when this guy appeared with a similar problem. You know the rest of the story.

Given the situation and pressure, as well as confessing her torts, leads me to believe she could easily come back into the fold if you can tolerate her sleeping with another man. I've never been in your situation so judge my opinion accordingly. Since she was voluntarily forthcoming, I think its likely her affair was what she claimed it was, lest she'd simply kept her mouth shut.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Stop beating yourself up. Cheating is her decision. One of you must have an income. Hospitalization costs a great deal of money. My husband just got released from a surgical procedure with a hospital stay. The deductibles can add up fast. To date, my part is going to be around $4,000.00. One of you must be employed with an insurance or you go bust financially.

Regarding your cheating wife, you did say that she confessed on her own. There might be a ray of hope for reconciliation, but your marriage will never be the same. You need to find a marriage counselor to help you along with this added mess in your life. Do not rugsweep her affair. This must be dealt with. You can begin by contacting your nearest university with a certfied program in family counseling. You can ask for information or go online to find a certified marriage counselor in your area. Sorry you are here.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

bhp said:


> "What now?".


You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take your time. You are in shock over the news. Over time, your feelings and thoughts will settle out, and you will know if you can stay married knowing your wife had sex with another man, while your children were all suffering from the stress of a sibling with cancer, having their mother at the hospital all the time, and their father away 3/4 of the time in order to provide for the family. What she did was selfish. Yes, she was under stress, but cheating is a choice. She made the choice.

I know your pain. Not the part of having a sick child, but of thinking you and your spouse are both holding up their end to get through a difficult time only to find that your spouse got distracted in the worst way, and was unfaithful.

Take care of yourself, and your children while you sort your thoughts and feelings out. Your wife can take care of herself.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Do you believe your wife had sex only twice with the OM? And that it only lasted 3 weeks?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Being that your W confessed and obviously wants to come clean from this escapade of hers, I would only think that it is more than reasonable for the two of you to schedule MC sessions with a certified marriage counselor.

It’s going to be hard, and you’ll both be bareing your souls and emotional scars before each other, but I truly believe that it will ultimately pay dividends in the long run for your relationship!

Best of luck to you both! I’ll be praying for a positive outcome!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry this happened to you. It sucks. 

Well following her logic marriage is really hard for you now right? Should you just go out and have some sex on the side to help you get through it? Ask her that.

Please tell me she is not the only girl you had sex with? That will be very hard to overcome.

Look it's your life, were you working because you are selfish or where you working to help your family? You were working to survive for your family right not making your fortune? (Because if you were just trying to make lots of money or worse running away then this post is too strong and you deserve some blame in my mind). You had a sick kid too right? Sounds to me she just another run of the mill cheater. They all have excuses. There are hundreds of stories just like this. Most don't make it some do but the cheater has to really work hard.

Here is the deal life is damn hard. DAMN HARD. The person you have in the fox hole with you basically just gave up on you because it was hard. What's to stop her from doing it again?

Maybe you can make it maybe you can't. One good thing is that she came clean. Also your kid being sick is probably one of the most stressful things a person can go through. So there is that. 

First thing first, cheaters lie. Maybe she is telling you the truth about when it ended but the reasons for telling you now seem fishy. Maybe she was about to get exposed, maybe he just broke up with her. Thing is, you can't trust that you know because she lied to you for a long time. So get her phone and all passwords. Check for deleted images, apps. Get your old phone bills try to verify she is telling the truth, check texts and phone numbers around that time. Some people take a polygraph and that may make sense. At least float the idea see how she reacts. For instance how do you know this is the first time she cheated? Has she talk to or worse seen this guy since those 2 weeks years ago? Again cheaters lie and your wife is not the most moral. Again hard to admit but true. You should also get a STD test and make her get one. I read recently that some guy got throat cancer years later because his wife had an affair. He got HPV. Look it up it's a real danger. 

Try to find and tell the guys wife she deserves to know, plus it will give some consequences and give you some power back. Part of the problem with this is you lose agency over your own life. Exposure gives some of that back. Have her post on SurvivingInfidelity.com Wayward (W) section of the board. She should read there too like the Just found out section. If she is not a sociopath she can see the team she is on now to her forever shame. Also you both should read the Reconciliation (R) board as it will give you a true sense of how hard this is and what you are up against. You should not be too nice either, you are the one suffering not her. She is the one who made you suffer. You are the Betrayed Spouse (BS). 

If you are going to make it there needs to be deep remorse and shame. She needs to get what she did. It can't be, life was hard and I was lonely so I spread my legs for some guy. That's bull**** there was plenty of other ways to survive this even though it was terribly hard. She abandoned you when life was hardest, it wasn't you who did that. You were still working for her and the family. Ask her what would have happened if you had found out that week right in the middle of your kid's treatment and hospital stay? How reckless was that to do to your daughter. Have her imagine what her treatment and stuff would have been like if her Mom and Dad were about to divorce. It may have killed her. Challenge her thinking on this! She needs to be challenged. Didn't she have any girlfriends shes could turn to for support? How about her Mom? She needs to take ownership of her affair, it wasn't a mistake it was a choice. A terrible reckless choice that hurt not just you but put her kids in danger. Only then can she fix it. Also she didn't give you a choice for a year, so she took your agency away from you by not telling you that your wife was cheating on you. How is that fair?

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT let this be your fault. The problems in the marriage were your fault the cheating is all on her. She had a bad situations and chose to make an immoral action as a response over and over until the moment she told you the truth. 

Since you married her as a virgin and so young I am going to guess you are religious. If you are find some scriptures in the bible about what God thinks of adultery. Whatever religion you are, none of them look on adultery fondly. Give them to her and have her read them. My overall point is don't be nice right now. She doesn't deserve it. 

Usual books are, 

Not just friends
After the Affair
How to help your spouse heal from an affair

She needs to read them.

Have her make a timeline of event as much as she can remember.

Decide who you are going to tell. Personally I wouldn't cover for her, she showed you no loyalty not sure you should show her any. Plus there needs to be consequences. But that is up to you. Maybe her parents? Pastor? Someone like that. 

Also who knew about this? They are not friends of your marriage if they did? Did your kids know? They may and she may not even know they do. One day you may have to tell them, has she thought of that? You both should. If you divorce then tell them why age appropriately, don't assume the role of the bad guy which the Dad usually gets stuck with. I would eventually tell them either way. I don't think keeping ugly secrets in the shadows it healthy for anything. It's always a terrible burden to the BS (Betrayed Spouse).

As for you in the immediate, detach don't make any decisions until you can make unemotional ones. You are probably in shock. It takes about 2 years to really get your head on straight. For now is there some way you can get away from her for a while? I mean like a few weeks of not talking? Again this gives her consequence and shows her you are serious and she has to work hard to keep the marriage. It also gives you a taste of what life will be like without her. I will be easier to calm down because just seeing her is a trigger right now. Again it's to soon to make any decisions, people wait years to decided. You should at least have a sense of what your new life will be like before you do. That is going to take some time. 

When I say new life understand your marriage you once had is over. The women you thought were married to is dead. It may take you time to realize this but it's true. You will now have a new marriage, one where the women you are with cheated on you. One where the affair will always be a part of. Where this other man will be a part of it. I am sorry but that is the state of things. This is why you shouldn't rush to make a decision. 

What I have seen from reading about this stuff is. 

If you were the kind that said "I would never take a cheater back" this will probably be harder for you, because you will fell like you are betraying your core values. Something to think about. 

If you cherished being your wife's only partner it will be harder for you. That you can never get back.

If you are your wife's only partner, that one is probably one of the worst because the playing field is never even unless you cheat too. Or divorce her date around and then get back together, which is always an option. (I hope for your sake this is not true). 

If you were the kind that like to venerate your wife and put he up on a pedestal you may lose some of the joy of being married to her. Again this is hard to recover from. Although is she moves heaven and earth to fix it sometimes you can get that back. 

You will have to give all those thought up if you stay.

Finally you have the sex issue. You are probably going to want to know what they did. And about the other guy, most guys want to know this. If she was more adventurous with this guy that is going to be hard. Some guys can get over that some can't. If she did things for him she didn't or hasn't for you that will be hard. Again some guys can get over that some can't. Most will want their wives to open up fully to them at this point, most don't want to have less of an effort then the your wife's lover or boyfriend. (I would call him that too, I wouldn't sanitize it for her at least at first. Tell it like it is). No one should be married but wishing they were the Affair Partner (AP).

I say all this because in my opinion it give you the best chance. Don't rug sweep this, you have a right to be pissed. Even if you were the worst husband in the world (which you weren't) she should have divorced you, not lied to you for 2 years. Again you had the same crappy situation, away from your sick kid, away from your wife, YOU didn't cheat. Don't let her put this on you. If you don't deal with your anger and the crap she did most likely you will fail. All of it has to get out on the table so it doesn't fester and come out later. It's like cancer (I'm sorry if that seems insensitive because of your kid I only say it because I don't know how to make the point better) You need to cut out the cancer and then do chemo to get better. If you don't do that you won't survive. 

I can't tell you the number of guys who have this happen, who at first want desperately to stay married but as the shock wears off they realize their spouse basically didn't care about them the way the need them too. Eventually they lose the love and respect for their wives they once had and want to move on. You read posts like that all the time. Especially when the kids are grown up. That happens most when they don't deal with the **** that they have been served. 

Also I should say you will heal faster if you divorce. Partly because the thing that gives you pain which is your love for your wife and her betrayal loses it's power once you love someone else. But though I am not big on R (Reconciliation), it CAN happen and some people genuinely seem happy. It's hard but if you both work especially your wife then there is a chance. There are people on here who seem to have done such. I am sure they will be on here to tell you so. 

There is no shame in divorcing, it's Biblical when cheated on if you are a Christian (guessing here), and kids do better in a separated home where both parents are happy then a broken one where both parents are together. 

I know this was hard to read and I am sorry. I don't usually couch my words, I believe in being blunt and giving an honest assessment. I also think you are buying the lie that you are responsible for this, and you are not. I used to never believe in R but people here have convinced me in rare cases it is possible. But you should not make that choice yet. Watch your wife, don't trust her, learn. Decide what your quality of life is going to be like and if you want to accept that. Then decided what you want to do. 

Finally I want to tell you that though it doesn't seem like it you WILL have joy again. Most of us have been through it and have survived to have happy lives. Right now you are in emotional boot camp, but remember this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through in your life, but if you can make it through this you can make it through anything. 

Start posting, here and elsewhere. 

Sorry man but there is hope no matter what happens.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a dreadful situation.

However, it can, potentially, be saved.

I think that a lie defector might be of help to establish the length of the affair and if it was only one affair.

Couple's and individual counselling will also help.

I feel there might be something more you could help us with. Exactly how did you distance yourself from your wife, for example?

Did she think you were cheating on her?


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Your wife is a cheat.She can apologize until the cows come home but she is still a cheater and you will never completely trust her again.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

In your opinion (and this is difficult - you have to be honest with yourself), is your wife sexually attracted to you ? Is the sex good ?

Was it good in the past ? You have to have this before she can "get it back" for you.

Then there is what the others are saying - can you handle the fact that she slept, was intimate, kissed, made love to another man when it should have been you and at a time when you needed her as much as she needed you (you shouldnt forget this)? I understand that it was a difficult time to her but is she going to do this in future when times get tough ? Especially if she faced no consequences the first time round ?

Also what would life be like for you without her around ? Its too early but you need to experience the hell you are about to go through to be able to answer this particular question properly.

See if you can cope. Get more from her on why she didnt come to you but succumbed to this man. She needs to give you the whole truth - what exactly happened, who pursued whom, how many times really (why only twice - because of opportunity or is this the truth that it was twice etc), what they did (especially if they did things she didnt do with you), where they did this (hopefully not in your house, car, marital bed, with the kids nearby etc), who else knew about this, did the OM have a girlfriend at the time, did they exchange I love you's, does she still have feelings for him, why did it end, who ended it really etc. You need to find out a lot more before this can be resolved. And you are going to need a hell of a lot of strength. See if you can get all of the above info asap and ask her to avoid trickle truthing. The chances are that you will not be able to get the truth on all of this or at least trust that you have the truth. Good luck and stay strong.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You can’t make any decisions now...you have to take some time and filter out your feelings. If you in the end, decide you want to try to save the marriage you need to find a good marriage counselor. This will take work from both sides and if you don’t both 100% commit to the process then there is no point.
Your marriage is forever changed, it will never go back to what it once was and your opinion and feelings towards your wife are forever changed too.
There are many people who have had super successful reconciliations...I myself decided to stay after my husband cheated because it made the most sense at the time. I had an infant and a toddler and things were rough. I chose that but we have never been the same and it takes work. Every day you have to put the work in.
I can tell you that if it had happened for the first time now, now that my children are a bit older I think I would be much more happier if we split.

You need to decide how you want to live and if you can be happy staying.



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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your wife cheated that is totally on her 100%. However, not being there hardly at all during a terrible crisis for a prolonged period of time is sure to cause problems in the marriage. A man's role is to lead his family and be there when they need him, you weren't.

Marriage counselling would help to work through the resentments and fears. You have to build a new marriage if you are going to stay together, the old one is dead or dying.

(BTW where is the "she doesn't have sex with him' brigade, therefore he cheated," Not a peep? He wasn't there to support emotionally or physically, so she cheated.)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would probably dump her myself.

You sacrificed heavily to save your daughter.

You sacrificed far more than your wife.

You sacrificed time with everyone to make the money necessary to support your family and save your daughter while she got the comfort of being around her children and getting to care directly for her sick child.

She then decided to take everything you have ever committed to your family and marriage as well as that huge sacrifice for your sick child and family, and crap all over it!

She thought that would be a good time to open her legs for an asshat that obviously isn't a tenth the man you are?

She was going through a hard time? NO ****!!!! 

You were going through worse and were far more alone than her yet you somehow managed not to get your penis stuck where it doesn't belong.

I am obviously less than impressed with your wife!

You deserve a medal though!

You sacrifice to save your family and she f's this idiot? Gives him what is yours?

I would have papers drawn up and get clear from her. Probably at least separate to get my head around this.

You did nothing wrong here. You gave up time to keep your family afloat. She wickedly betrayed you all.

Who was the jack off?

I would want my pound of flesh from him for sure.

What did he sacrifice? While your out working to save your sick daughter, he gets to f your "loving" wife?

This post is making me ill!

Your wife behaved lower than pond scum. Hope she likes what she sees in the mirror.

She is a supremely selfish B!

The only thing she has going for her is she fessed up.

I would do the 180 on her and get my head straight.

Take care of yourself for a while. Your wife sure as hell has been looking out for herself so it is only fair.

Getting stabbed in the back takes time to heal from.

Her hand holds the blade with your blood on it.

Do the 180 and start your healing!

You can decide about your "virtuous" wife after you take care of yourself and get your head in a better place.

You are a very good man! You gave a lot up for your family! Don't take any blame for this!

While you were giving, she was taking the life right out of your marriage and family!

Also know, there are much better women than your wife out there that would give their life for a real man like you!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> Your wife cheated that is totally on her 100%. However, not being there hardly at all during a terrible crisis for a prolonged period of time is sure to cause problems in the marriage. A man's role is to lead his family and be there when they need him, you weren't.
> 
> Marriage counselling would help to work through the resentments and fears. You have to build a new marriage if you are going to stay together, the old one is dead or dying.
> 
> (BTW where is the "she doesn't have sex with him' brigade, therefore he cheated," Not a peep? He wasn't there to support emotionally or physically, so she cheated.)


I guess the part about him having to be gone a lot to pay for everything so his "wonderful" wife could stop working to take care of their sick child slipped by you?

He didn't get to be there. He didn't get to even have the comfort of his children because he was sacrificing his time with them to support them.

He wasn't there of necessity.

She is lower than whale 🐳 poop 💩!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay so let me ask you this...was this a dump and deal with confession, because she wanted to get it off her chest and place it on you and telling you to deal with it? Does she want to stay married? Is she willing to answer all questions for as long as you ask? What is she willing to do to help you through this? What is she willing to do to help the marriage? Is she willing to take a polygraph ?
Did she take an std test? Is she willing to release the name of the guy? Essentially how far is she willing to go?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

bhp said:


> I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I only read the up to the point that she told you. Many here will she did the right thing. In my opinion you and your marriage would be better off left in the dark. How do you feel about that?..and I off base in my thinking?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Here is my brief 2 cents and I will preface this by saying I was married 20 years when we separated. Both were at fault and he cheated. We reconciled after 2 years and have been married 8. I generally don't counsel for people to reconcile after infidelity. My marriage is better than it ever was before we separated, and I am proud we have made it to 30 years...but, omg, it was very painful.

Now, having said that, I think your case is quite different than most infidelity. You had about as much strain on your marriage as a marriage can have. Your wife was basically alone and caring for a very sick child. Comfort and an escape were there. With recognition of both by both of the mistakes and causes of the distance between you, I think (at least if it were me), true forgiveness and understanding of what led to the sex is possible. You clearly love each other. She is clearly remorseful. You marriage, with counseling and a true commitment to repair and stay married, can be better than it was.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

David51 said:


> I only read the up to the point that she told you. Many here will she did the right thing. In my opinion you and your marriage would be better off left in the dark. How do you feel about that?..and I off base in my thinking?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




She finally confessed because the guilt was killing her. Now she has transferred the pain to him.

He should take some time to think about how he feels about her now. It doesn't matter how many times, how long, etc. Even if only once it is still a betrayal. But given the circumstances she was dealing with, might be understandable.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Anything can be saved. I think your situation is "more savable" than a lot of others I've heard. Why do I think that?

She confessed. She didn't have to do that but she did. You would have never known.
This was not a "love" affair. It was a physical outlet/escape during a really hard emotional time.
She obviously had no plans to leave you. You were never plan B. You're still plan A.
She's being open and honest with you about the affair.

These are things that a lot of BS's never get. At the end of the day it's 100% your call but you asked opinions and mine is that your sitch is more savable than a lot of others.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I think there are sound callous answers here. Anyone who says, “your wife is just a no good dirty cheat” obviously has bitterness issues. Yeah, thanks for the insight.

There are two things at play. 

A) Why did your wife cheat?

B) Can you forgive her/get past it?

A) has a lot of possible answers. Only your wife knows, but there is a lot of evidence towards highly emotional states and the need to redirect pain. It happens in addiction groups as well as jobs that deal with life and death. Your wife needed a physical break from the pain and while it’s understandable, clearly it’s wrong and destructive.

B) is up to you. I, personally, don’t think marriages can properly survive cheating. People can stay together, but I don’t think happiness will ever be achieved and that’s awful when you are thinking about the last 40+ years of your life. That being said, your situation is probably one of the few instances where it may be possible. Again, my opinion, but that’s what you are asking. That being said, I don’t think I’d be able to reconcile after that.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

bhp said:


> I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think you should try to save it, but it will not be the same marriage, but a new one going forward, perhaps with different expectations. You could divorce, as original wedding vows are broken, but stay together, with an understanding, in writing, of your responsibilities to each other and the children. The understanding could have a time limit based on children's ages, needs.



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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Edmund said:


> She finally confessed because the guilt was killing her. Now she has transferred the pain to him.


Very good point. When we really break down what she told him, she said she confessed now because their marriage could handle it. In other words, she feels safe he won't leave her now. She's thinking of how it would affect her and no one else. Also what you said is absolutely true. Now she gets to clear her conscience and keep her husband. Win-win. He gets to inherit the pain that his wife betrayed him. No win for him.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Very good point. When we really break down what she told him, she said she confessed now because there marriage could handle it. In other words, she feels safe he won't leave her now. She's thinking of how it would affect her and no one else. Also what you said is absolutely true. Now she gets to clear her conscience and keep her husband. Win-win. He gets to inherit the pain that his wife betrayed him. No win for him.




But he still has her and she still wants him and maybe that is a win for him. So many of these stories on TAM, the wife just dumps husband for the AP, and gets financially rewarded for doing so!



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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Tobyboy said:


> Do you believe your wife had sex only twice with the OM? And that it only lasted 3 weeks?


The Stats are very telling. If she said only once, she knows you would say BS. When she says twice and only 3 weeks, believable but not as "bad" as a dozen times over a 3 months. Cheater Math will always minimize.

The reality is you will never know the truth.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You sacrificed far more than your wife.
> 
> You sacrificed time with everyone to make the money necessary to support your family and save your daughter while she got the comfort of being around her children and getting to care directly for her sick child.


Based on limited experience, I cannot wholeheartedly agree. Both my wife an I are retired and we cared for my FIL who lived with us due to his medical conditions (kidney failure w/peritoneal dialysis(daily home) and circulatory problems causing loss of toes on both feet) My wife's sister came a week to help her while I took several days to help my friend complete a brick relief sculpture in Boca Raton Florida. Believe me when I say being out of town working, and it was work, moving tons or green brick, with little play in between, beat the hell out of care taking. When out of town working, its just not in my face 24/7 and nowhere near as stressful; at least for me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm not bitter. I'm very clear on this.

The level of betrayal on this one takes my breath away!

She needs to take a damn long look at herself and see how totally vile her actions were in light and how her husband was sacrificing to support her cheating ass and save their daughter!


"So, what did each of you do to help your family through your daughter's sickness?"

Him: I sacrificed my time and had to be away from my family for 75% of the time for 2 years of extreme loneliness connected only by phone calls for a lifeline. I went without the comfort of my children and my wife. Sleeping alone with my pain.

Her: I got to quit my job to directly care for my sick daughter and had the comfort of being involved with my other children as well. While my husband busted his ass for us, I was letting a piece of sh*t plow mine. So glad I have a hero for a husband while he was lonely and in pain, I had a slime balls penis to comfort me.
I guess I'm feeling guilty now?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

RWB said:


> The Stats are very telling. If she said only once, she knows you would say BS. When she says twice and only 3 weeks, believable but not as "bad" as a dozen times over a 3 months. Cheater Math will always minimize.
> 
> The reality is you will never know the truth.





VladDracul said:


> Since she was voluntarily forthcoming, I think its likely her affair was what she claimed it was, lest she'd simply kept her mouth shut.


That said, he could get a better read on her and her regret for her activities via a polygraph. Further interrogation, unless he's experienced in the techniques, is not likely to reveal much more (if there is any more to reveal).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Based on limited experience, I cannot wholeheartedly agree. Both my wife an I are retired and we cared for my FIL who lived with us due to his medical conditions (kidney failure w/peritoneal dialysis(daily home) and circulatory problems causing loss of toes on both feet) My wife's sister came a week to help her while I took several days to help my friend complete a brick relief sculpture in Boca Raton Florida. Believe me when I say being out of town working, and it was work, moving tons or green brick, with little play in between, beat the hell out of care taking. When out of town working, its just not in my face 24/7 and nowhere near as stressful; at least for me.


I've been on both ends in a situation like this and this stupid B did not sacrifice like her husband did. I would much rather be right next to my sick child than away.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Tough call my man and ultimately its up to you. I generally conclude that a woman that cheats has lost romantic interest that seldom, if ever returns, and reconciliation gives nothing more than a severely scaled down version of the original marriage.


I think this hits it fairly well. When a man cheats he may still love his wife and find her sexually attractive, he just cheated because he's an ass and wanted variety. Typically (not always) when a woman cheats it's because she "loves her husband, but isn't in love with him", meaning romantically he's not doing it for her. 

As someone who has lived it, I would say the marriage definitely isn't the same, the trust will never be the same, and you'll never view your wife the same way. You'll also have to live with the notion that at best you're plan B, maybe plan C,D, or even E for her. You will never be her plan A ever again.

I stayed because of my son (wife cheated a long time ago) and I didn't want another man involved in the upbringing of my son. Now I have two other kids with her and I don't regret it at all. My kids give me a ton of joy and I'm glad I'm able to be a permanent part of their lives living under the same roof. It's worth the sacrifice for me, but everyone is different. 

I am starting to plan my exit unless things change drastically though, although I wouldn't do anything until my youngest was a bit older.

If someone doesn't have kids, run don't walk. I don't care if it's a GF, wife, whatever, she's shown you what you are to her, no reason to stay at all.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

aine said:


> Your wife cheated that is totally on her 100%. However, not being there hardly at all during a terrible crisis for a prolonged period of time is sure to cause problems in the marriage. A man's role is to lead his family and be there when they need him, you weren't.


Bull, he did what he had to do, given crappy game of life. He was leading the family.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

aine said:


> Your wife cheated that is totally on her 100%. However, not being there hardly at all during a terrible crisis for a prolonged period of time is sure to cause problems in the marriage. A man's role is to lead his family and be there when they need him, you weren't.
> 
> Marriage counselling would help to work through the resentments and fears. You have to build a new marriage if you are going to stay together, the old one is dead or dying.
> 
> (BTW where is the "she doesn't have sex with him' brigade, therefore he cheated," Not a peep? He wasn't there to support emotionally or physically, so she cheated.)


That's not a fair assessment at all:



> My wife stopped working so that she could care for our daughter (and other kids) better. I took a higher paying job to support us on one income, however I was working away from home. I was gone for 3 weeks, home for 1 week and repeat. Those 2 years were very rough on us as individuals, parents, and a couple.


Life dealt him a tough hand, he did what he had to do so his wife could quit working to care for their daughter. That's stepping up and leading if you ask me. He completely upended his life and sacrificed his happiness and time with family so his family could deal with their daughter with as little outside pressures as possible, he took them all on himself. Would it have been better if they were evicted from their home?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I absolutely get what she was going through. I know how draining it is.

But stabbing her husband in the back for his efforts is beyond the pail.

I'm not saying a reconciliation can't happen but the extremely ugly woman she became needs laid bare to brutal light.

This and betraying soldiers in the line of fire stack up as the absolute worst.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> That's not a fair assessment at all:
> 
> 
> 
> Life dealt him a tough hand, he did what he had to do so his wife could quit working to care for their daughter. That's stepping up and leading if you ask me. He completely upended his life and sacrificed his happiness and time with family so his family could deal with their daughter with as little outside pressures as possible, he took them all on himself. Would it have been better if they were evicted from their home?


From learning aine's story here over the years, her response makes sense in her own context. Time together with, and attention from her husband is extremely important to her. She feels as if her husband prioritizes work and his clients much higher than spending time with, paying attention to, and engaging her. That is likely the lens she viewed the OP through, and why her focus was on the fact that the OP was not there beside his wife much of the time, rather than focusing on the circumstances which forced the situation.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

BHP,

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I REPEAT. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Repeat this over and over until it sinks in. WW owns this 100%. You story really strikes home with me. I like you had no clue.

First of all you seem like a father who has his priorities where they should be, and that is your family.
I, too, have experienced similar betrayal. It is probably next to the suffering of your child, the worst pain you have or ever will experience. I hope your daughter is doing well and experiencing good health.

I still think there is an information gap and you have most likely are experiencing "trickle truth". I highly doubt there were only two encounters. The good thing is that your wife came clean, seems remorseful, and willing to work it out. 

"I’m at a loss at what to do here. I love her, and I hate her for what she did. I don’t think it has 
really set in, yet." 

This is perfectly normal. Take a few deep breaths. You will go through this process for some time. I was all over the radar for six weeks after DDay. I hated her, wanted to destroy her, POSOM and make their lives a living hell, and then I would realize I still loved her. I experienced anger like I never had before as you likely are. Others have experienced what you are that is the emotional peaks and valleys that betrayal by a spouse creates. Do what you can to get the anger out of your system as it only hurts you in the long run.

I had my own issues I had to recognize and I knew I had not been the best husband I should have been. I blamed myself until I got into MC. You, however, have gone above and beyond for your family.

The question I asked myself over and over once I realized I still loved my wife was "Would my life be better or worse without my wife in it?" I realized all of the good things we experienced far outweighed the bad times. You may want to consider doing the same. Think about it a long time. I, for three days, made a list of pros and a list of cons for reconciling. The pros outnumbered the cons by far. I realized then I had to dig down deep and give R a try and forgive. I took a lot of flak on this site for a quick change of direction, but I did what I felt was in my and my family's best interest. I am glad I did.

Now. You have been given pretty solid advice by some of the same folks who came to my aid. I would recommend should you decide to R, that you make damn sure she is remorseful. Without remorse, R is not possible. Secondly, you really need access to her phone, email, social media over this time period.
If you do not want to read the communications, ask a friend to do so. Lastly, a polygraph is a must. Total honesty is required. I had my wife take a poly as a condition of R, and let her know one lie, game over. She passed.

Has your wife confessed to your mom and dad as well as her parents. If not she needs to do so. My wife while I left our home for six weeks, confessed to my parents, and her mom. That was the key sign I felt signified remorse. 

I am not encouraging you to R or D, only to get to a point of clarity where you think clearly and can make a logical decision, not an emotional one. However, I am going on two years of R as of Christmas Eve. It can be done. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? In my case I would say yes. I can honestly say we are doing better than we have in several years. My wife thanks me over and over for giving her a second chance. That makes R somewhat easy.

I will caution you should you go the R route, it is a long and arduous path. I am on that path right now, and while things are better we are nowhere near 100% healed and it will likely be several more years.

PS: You need to consider getting into IC (individual counseling) as does your wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't advise spouses to stay with cheaters for many reasons (I did that and paid a heavy price down the road) -- however there are couples who do R successfully. 

This is extremely new to you. Don't make a quick decision. If you do R, know that it's normal for the process to take years and there are lots of ups and downs as you deal with the reality of broken trust and betrayal during that time. You may forgive but you'll never forget. 

It's a very tough road to walk. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not. My story is that I tried R for decades and it wasn't worth it -- I much prefer being divorced -- but my story isn't how every story turns out. There are successes. 

I'm very sorry this happened to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> You'll also have to live with the notion that at best you're plan B, maybe plan C,D, or even E for her. You will never be her plan A ever again.


While I understand the sentiment if it truly was only 2 week during a crisis then this may not be true in this case. Plus she told him. If he had caught her then I agree. 

I wish BS would not think so much about this and instead thing that she is his plan Z. I mean no one wants an adulterous wife or husband for that matter. NO ONE. Half the world wouldn't even date one should they divorce and she lets them know why. Cheaters are crappy people so they are lucky someone wants to even be around them. That is how the BS should think, because it's true.

Also I think in most case success or failure of R depends as much on the people as the situation. So those who say it was only 2 week or she confessed so you have a good chance may be off base. It's a good sign or at least a better sign then when a WS is just caught. However from reading on here it doesn't really impact success of R too much. I think that just depends on the person. The would never any chance with me for instance. I don't have it in me.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP: Of course a marriage can be saved, but what that marriage will look like may not be very appealing to you.

Infidelity is unforgivable for me. I won't even entertain the thought of it. Trust is far too important to me and if my wife were to reveal such lack of character and integrity (no matter the motivation) I would never be able to trust her again. that's not a relationship I want to be a part of. I would always wonder what she was up to. That equals a constant state of anxiety for me and that's no kind of life. 

Be honest with yourself. If you can't overcome these issues, don't waste your time or hers. End it. If you think you can overcome these issues, give it a try but be aware that at some point you will have to truly forgive her and move on. Otherwise you will poison your own life as well as hers. I see too many people who "reconcile" but then live with the unyielding compulsion to hide voice recorders and put spyware on iPads and phones. I'd much rather be alone that to live like that.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

sokillme said:


> While I understand the sentiment if it truly was only 2 week during a crisis then this may not be true in this case. Plus she told him. If he had caught her then I agree.
> 
> I wish BS would not think so much about this and instead thing that she is his plan Z. I mean no one wants an adulterous wife or husband for that matter. NO ONE. Half the world wouldn't even date one should they divorce and she lets them know why. Cheaters are crappy people so they are lucky someone wants to even be around them. That is how the BS should think, because it's true.
> 
> Also I think in most case success or failure of R depends as much on the people as the situation. So those who say it was only 2 week or she confessed so you have a good chance may be off base. It's a good sign or at least a better sign then when a WS is just caught. However from reading on here it doesn't really impact success of R too much. I think that just depends on the person. The would never any chance with me for instance. I don't have it in me.


I see a lot of people over-analyze and try to figure out what I consider to be useless detail. Who cares if the betrayal lasted 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years? The trust is shattered by the betrayal itself, duration and detail are irrelevant.

Crises happen in all our lives. If my wife can't be trusted to be honorable when I need her the most, she can't ever be trusted. Kind of like a seatbelt that works fine until you actually have an crash. Is it actually even fair to call it a seatbelt?

She confessed, she didn't, it was only one time, it was five years, all they did was kiss, all they did was oral...who cares? I, like you simply have zero interest in spending an additional moment of my life with such a wretch. 

I disagree with your statements on how to regard a cheater if you are trying to reconcile. If one truly wishes to reconcile, they must work much harder than the cheater to forgive and move on. At some point even the cheater will not tolerate being viewed as an untouchable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> I see a lot of people over-analyze and try to figure out what I consider to be useless detail. Who cares if the betrayal lasted 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years? The trust is shattered by the betrayal itself, duration and detail are irrelevant.
> 
> Crises happen in all our lives. If my wife can't be trusted to be honorable when I need her the most, she can't ever be trusted. Kind of like a seatbelt that works fine until you actually have an crash. Is it actually even fair to call it a seatbelt?
> 
> ...


My only point is the BS might not be plan B at least if the WS only did it for a short time and changed their mind, but I agree not sure being the cheaters plan A means much, at least in my mind. My bigger point is why does it matter when your WS is really your plan z now. I just think there is way too much thought by the BS about what does this say about me, instead I wish they would think what does this say about WS. They are the one who loses value as far as monogamous relationships.

I agree with your point though. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be married to someone who could do something like that.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

bhp said:


> I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So a few years ago I joined a gym I went early before work and a younger woman was there always when I was. We became friends and would share diet info workout strategies and why we were going to the trouble to lose weight and get fit. In my opinion she didn’t need to change a thing. Long story short she wanted to be more than just friends...both of us married, I also was aroused by her. What I did was change my schedule and removed the temptation. 

So when your wife started to notice that there was more to this than simple friendship why didn’t she just stop. It wasn’t all that hard for me, sure I wanted to have sex with this woman but I also knew it would break my wife’s heart if she found out. Not a hard decision.....I just plain stopped putting myself in that position. 

You say you were not able to give any support. Well first...you were home one week out of 4. I think you are making excuses and trying to absorb some of the blame and you are not at fault even a little bit.

As far as what you do now is up to you...BUT has it occurred to you that her excuse is crap and the real truth is that having only had sex with you (virgin when you met) she wanted to try out a different guy and you being gone was the perfect opportunity


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear bhp;



> Re: Can a marriage really be saved after infidelity? Is it worth it?


As others have said anything can be saved. As someone who has rebuilt a marriage almost destroyed because of lack of sex and not an infidelity, I can say that it takes very hard work to rebuild a marriage and save it. I can also tell you that the "saved marriage" is different from the marriage before it was destroyed.

You have a choice. You need to discuss this seriously with your wife, not a one-hour conversation, but over weeks if not months as it will determine the future lives/relationships of you, your wife and your children. As has been pointed out if you think there is even a chance this marriage can be saved and your wife and you are both willing to put incredible effort into saving it, then get some professional marriage counseling.

One of the things you and your wife need to understand is that the marriage you had, the trust that existed between you has all been destroyed when she cheated on you and she told you. You and your wife will both need to change yourselves, and how you treat each other. A marriage counselor can help. You will never have the marriage you once had before your daughter entered the hospital and your wife did what she did. Those days are over.

One of the things that the sex therapist that helped save my marriage did, was to have us focus on the future. She had us discuss and visualize what we thought a "good marriage" would look like in 10 , 15, 20 years. Do you want to give your daughters hand to her husband when she get's married, do you want you and your wife to be loving grandparents taking care of your adult children's children at times. Do you want to retire and travel with your current wife? Do you want to grow old together? Those are the kinds of things you need to think about. Your wife needs to be committed to not only freeing herself of guilt, but changing her image in your mind and building your love and trust in her.

With luck and work, the two of you can build a new relationship that will be more open to each other and more focused on insuring mutual needs are met. If you can forgive her, if she can forgive herself, if she can repent, if you can open your heart to love her, then you may be able to achieve a marriage that is worth having.

Good luck.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My first reaction is to ask your wife how she would feel if she were totally faithful and killing herself to support a family with a sick child, and you callously slept with another woman. How would she feel about you? How would she feel about your marriage on a go forward basis. At this point, I would do one of two things: I would tell her that I could not forgive the blatant disrespect for me and us, and that a physical encounter is a deal-breaker. Then, tell her that the honeymoon is over and that her OM will now have his world blown up by you telling his wife. Then she can leave. OR she will offer you a hall pass. So you can descend to her level. 

In any event, inform her that she needs to go back to work in order to support herself when she is on her own again.

Me, I'd walk. If this is how she reacts to stress, what is she going to do when the next stressful event comes? Sleep with the 50th Airborne? Let her know in no uncertain terms if she bad mouths you for walking after going through this heartbreaking illness, then tell her that you will not censor yourself, and tell the tale that she slept with someone in her support group while the child was still in the hospital. 

Get tested, and get rid of her.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Man, this is a tough one to read. 

It's good she finally came to you. But I'd want to make certain of a couple things before I thought about reconciliation:

1. I'd need to be certain she came to me out of a sense of willingly accepting responsibility, correcting a wrong, and not because she was about to be exposed by the OM or someone else. Don't dismiss the possibility this has been / still is going on, and he is threatening exposure if she doesn't continue the affair with him. 

2. She'd have to confirm via polygraph that things are as she says (duration of affair / # of times they had sex, etc).

3. During the poly, confirmation there has been no other infidelity by her.

The timing of this affair (dare I say) at least puts some "logic" to it, for lack of a better description. Tremendous emotional upheaval and duress, fear, loneliness, etc. But the timing of this also will be something which makes it worse in many ways and may be hard for you to overcome, even if you are able to get past the betrayal and act itself. For me, almost 2 years since dday, the timing of it (just weeks after I busted azz on her house for months without a day off so she could keep it and rent it out after her ex walked away from it and left it a complete and unlivable disaster) still is the thing that sticks with me, angers me the most, and triggers me the worst. Or perhaps it is just a very hot fuel to an already hot fire. Either way, that burns me in a way that is hard to describe and is probably the most significant emotional dagger for me. The timing (for me) was no small thing.

I like the foxhole analogy someone stated above. When you needed your foxhole buddy the most, when you were fighting for her and your children, she left you there taking grenades while she cut and run for a little R&R. Extreme act of cowardice on her part.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this is a personal thing. I don't think it would be worth it to try to save it. I would rather be single, making my own decisions, than living in prolonged heartbreak with someone I no longer trust and don't think I really know anymore (maybe never did know). They say it takes up to 5 years to recover from infidelity. I wouldn't do it, I don't think. Life is too short. My experience on these boards is that people who move on are usually happier in the long run than people who stay. This could easily be a skewed sample, of course.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> *I used to never believe in R but people here have convinced me in rare cases it is possible.* But you should not make that choice yet. Watch your wife, don't trust her, learn. Decide what your quality of life is going to be like and if you want to accept that. Then decided what you want to do.
> 
> Finally I want to tell you that though it doesn't seem like it you WILL have joy again. Most of us have been through it and have survived to have happy lives. Right now you are in emotional boot camp, but remember this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through in your life, but if you can make it through this you can make it through anything.
> 
> ...


sokillme's post is spot on. He has gained a lot of wisdom and experience from reading other people's painful stories and the advice they have received. His mantra used to be: divorce...you'll have to eat the sh*t sandwich you've been served for the rest of your life, and it will never taste any better.

There are posters here, both BSes and Wses who have good marriages, better marriages even, after adultery. While dealing with the adultery, they dealt with other dysfunctions not directly related to the adultery, i.e. the WSes character flaws or dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes which allowed them to have an affair. In addition, learning and upholding healthy boundaries and communication is good for any marriage, even ones that haven't experienced infidelity.

Your wife needs to figure out what kind of person she is. Her ability to compartmentalize and dedicate hours cultivating a friendship that lead to more hours of sex, secret phone calls, etc. all while she was neglecting her children, lying to her husband, and missing out on spending time with her hospitalized child who might die of cancer is mind boggling.

If she has faced her character flaws, and she is no longer able to compartmentalize and keep secrets, and that is the reason she told you what she did, then she will have no problem answering all your questions, and walking with you through the sh*t swamp you will have to go through for the next couple of years as you wrap your head around and come to terms with her betrayal.

IMO Her character flaws are the greatest and the root issue. If they aren't discovered, faced, and fixed, she is still capable of committing adultery or being deceptive in other ways in the future. 

(In my marriage, that is my litmus test for whether I can trust my husband to remain faithful: is he discovering and facing his character flaws, and is he continually being 100% vulnerable and honest with himself and with me.)


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> My experience on these boards is that people who move on are usually happier in the long run than people who stay. This could easily be a skewed sample, of course.


I believe you are correct. Most BSes who divorce are personally happier than those who stay.

However, for some BSes, their own happiness isn't all that matters. When there are children involved, sometimes the BS chooses to suffer a bit for the sake of the innocent children, who would only be victims of the adultery in the case of divorce.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> One of the things that the sex therapist that helped save my marriage did, was to have us focus on the future. She had us discuss and visualize what we thought a "good marriage" would look like in 10 , 15, 20 years. Do you want to give your daughters hand to her husband when she get's married, do you want you and your wife to be loving grandparents taking care of your adult children's children at times. Do you want to retire and travel with your current wife? Do you want to grow old together? Those are the kinds of things you need to think about. Your wife needs to be committed to not only freeing herself of guilt, but changing her image in your mind and building your love and trust in her.
> 
> With luck and work, the two of you can build a new relationship that will be more open to each other and more focused on insuring mutual needs are met. If you can forgive her, if she can forgive herself, if she can repent, if you can open your heart to love her, then you may be able to achieve a marriage that is worth having.
> 
> Good luck.


This will work ONLY if the OP is convinced that his wife will never, ever be unfaithful again. Getting to that point is very difficult. Regaining trust after infidelity is difficult, if not near impossible. 

A post nup with an infidelity clause can help the BS gain some confidence, as well as give the WS some incentive to never cheat again.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Before going further you have to confirm the extent of the affair. It would be naive of you to just go on her word. I'm not suggesting she is lying, but the decision to R is a very serious one that involves having facts before you. Right now, facts haven't been confirmed. If their is more than what she's saying, she's extremely relieved you're not pressing her for more, as she knows it only increases the degree of damage to the marriage. I only read your first post, so it's possible you've disclosed more info.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Here is the problem with reconciliation. Everything you do, you have to hope your partner does as well and more. And the fact that you are here because they already put you in this spot, their track record is bad at best.

You have to forgive your partner.
They have to forgive themselves.

You have to move on from the pain.
They have to move on from the pain.

You have to hope that whatever set them adrift to begin with won't trigger them again.
They have to hope that they wont be triggered again.

Your anger.
Their guilt.

Your mental images.
Their mental images.
Your mental images of their mental images.
Their mental images of your mental images of their mental images.

Not only all that, the time/risk factor. The amount of time you are both in pain and the risk that it won't work. Is it worth it? 5 years later are you going to feel dull/numb/dead inside. How long do you try for? How long do you watch over your shoulder? How can you EVER really know? Obviously nobody ever knows even without infidelity, but this was someone you committed your life to, the closest person in the world to you...how do you know they have/do/ever will feel the same about you?

Too much risk for the best possible solution being living with a spouse who sexed someone else.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> That's not a fair assessment at all:
> 
> 
> 
> Life dealt him a tough hand, he did what he had to do so his wife could quit working to care for their daughter. That's stepping up and leading if you ask me. He completely upended his life and sacrificed his happiness and time with family so his family could deal with their daughter with as little outside pressures as possible, he took them all on himself. Would it have been better if they were evicted from their home?


Yes, I understand what you are saying and to have this scenario happen for a few months is fine. But surely both should have considered him changing his job to have one nearer home so he could be there for the TWO YEARs that his wife was grappling single handedly with the circumstances. It just shows where the priorities are, and opened the marriage to real danger. Marriages do not survive on their own, they have to be protected. In that the OP (and his wife) is culpable. In her cheating he is NOT.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> From learning aine's story here over the years, her response makes sense in her own context. Time together with, and attention from her husband is extremely important to her. She feels as if her husband prioritizes work and his clients much higher than spending time with, paying attention to, and engaging her. That is likely the lens she viewed the OP through, and why her focus was on the fact that the OP was not there beside his wife much of the time, rather than focusing on the circumstances which forced the situation.


I doubt anyone on here (including you) can say that one looks at everything in an unbiased and objective fashion. Of course, we all are influenced by our upbringing, our past, our circumstances and look through a different lens as a result, so that is a superfluous statement.

The point is we all have choices. The OP knew the wife would be handling this single-handedly for a long period of time (we are talking about a couple of years here, not a few months). Do not tell me that there were no other job options available which would enable him to be nearer home. Choices were made and the protection of the marriage was not a priority, and this is the result. She made a terrible choice to cheat, totally her fault but considering the lack of support and circumstances 'there but for the grace of God go any of us' in similar circumstances. 
I abhor cheating and cheaters but somehow in this circumstance, I think there is hope if OP can get IC, learn to forgive and spend more time on the marriage and the relationship and work at building something new. Hi His wife will have to prove to him she wants him and do all the heavy lifting.
However, that is entirely his choice.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

aine said:


> Yes, I understand what you are saying and to have this scenario happen for a few months is fine. But surely both should have considered him changing his job to have one nearer home so he could be there for the TWO YEARs that his wife was grappling single handedly with the circumstances. It just shows where the priorities are, and opened the marriage to real danger. Marriages do not survive on their own, they have to be protected. In that the OP (and his wife) is culpable. In her cheating he is NOT.


I never had a child with cancer forcing me take on 100% of the financial responsibilities while my wife stayed home with the sick child. I really don't know what the OP could've done, what the medical bill situation was like, his circumstances were extreme. He likely was worrying about his daughter dying from cancer and how the mortgage and bills are getting paid, how people are going to eat, and whether his daughter will make it to her next Christmas, and he wasn't thinking about date night and buying his wife trinkets when he's on the road dealing with everything that fell to him through ****ty circumstances.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I never had a child with cancer forcing me take on 100% of the financial responsibilities while my wife stayed home with the sick child. I really don't know what the OP could've done, what the medical bill situation was like, his circumstances were extreme. He likely was worrying about his daughter dying from cancer and how the mortgage and bills are getting paid, how people are going to eat, and whether his daughter will make it to her next Christmas, and he wasn't thinking about date night and buying his wife trinkets when he's on the road dealing with everything that fell to him through ****ty circumstances.


The wife also was in the middle of the ****ty circumstances, or have you forgotten that? 
Your condescending tone re "date night and buying wife trinkets" says it all. noone is talking about that, I am talking about emotional support under terrible circumstances. Financial support is one thing but not everything.

It appears you are assuming that financial security is the priority. AND you are making a lot of assumptions about his financial circumstances. For all you know he had great insurance that covered everything and bill paying was not an issue.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> sokillme's post is spot on. He has gained a lot of wisdom and experience from reading other people's painful stories and the advice they have received. His mantra used to be: divorce...you'll have to eat the sh*t sandwich you've been served for the rest of your life, and it will never taste any better.
> 
> There are posters here, both BSes and Wses who have good marriages, better marriages even, after adultery. While dealing with the adultery, they dealt with other dysfunctions not directly related to the adultery, i.e. the WSes character flaws or dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes which allowed them to have an affair. In addition, learning and upholding healthy boundaries and communication is good for any marriage, even ones that haven't experienced infidelity.
> 
> ...


That is the first thing, her getting herself straight, that is a base requirement, then if you get all that you have to decide if you can deal with being married to someone who can do this to you and your family. Also what you want you life to be like, some can live with it but they don't seem very happy. Some can completely forgive and it's really like it never happened. I wouldn't R unless you can be the second kind, because it seems a very sad life for those who just hold on by the skin of your teeth. Now maybe you will choose that, but I for one would hope you hold out for an abundant and happy life. That may not be possible with your wife anymore. 

Also maybe you can do better. You have no obligation to hold up an agreement when the other party broke their end. There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding your wife is no longer the same person you married and this new person is not someone you want to invest your entire life into. You only get one life so there is nothing wrong with deciding that you can do better. You shouldn't settle for a sunk cost fallacy. You need to figure that out. After you get all that straight then you make the decision.

I have been honest that I know I could not, but after reading on here I know there are those who can. It's the ones who it's pretty obvious that they can't but they decide to go on anyway that are the most painful to read about because if they would just take a leap of faith and end it, I think they would be far more happier. Those are the ones I feel the worst for. They basically just survive. That is what you have to fight against most.

You need to trust that you can have a good life. Don't operate out of fear but empowerment. That is the best way to come to a decision. The way to get there it seems to me is to detach first.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

aine said:


> The wife also was in the middle of the ****ty circumstances, or have you forgotten that?
> Your condescending tone re "date night and buying wife trinkets" says it all. noone is talking about that, I am talking about emotional support under terrible circumstances. Financial support is one thing but not everything.


You're talking about "you can't tell me he couldn't find another job". It's really insensitive and presumptuous given the circumstances. We won't agree on this, I think your responses have been super ****ty, not only putting the blame on this guy after his wife ****ed around, but acting like you somehow understand the circumstances of his daughter, wife, and the cancer diagnosis and blaming him for not finding suitable employment (like you have any idea if that was even possible to pay all the bills on a single income).

What emotional support was his wife giving him as he was all alone for weeks at a time because he had to? She was giving none, she put all her effort at the lowest point of their lives into a new relationship with another man, she even spent time away from caring for their sick daughter (why she quit her job in the 1st place) to talk, text, meet up with, and **** her boyfriend. It's a new level of ****ty, crazy to see anyone defend it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> I doubt anyone on here (including you) can say that one looks at everything in an unbiased and objective fashion. Of course, we all are influenced by our upbringing, our past, our circumstances and look through a different lens as a result, so that is a superfluous statement.
> 
> The point is we all have choices. The OP knew the wife would be handling this single-handedly for a long period of time (we are talking about a couple of years here, not a few months). Do not tell me that there were no other job options available which would enable him to be nearer home. Choices were made and the protection of the marriage was not a priority, and this is the result. She made a terrible choice to cheat, totally her fault but considering the lack of support and circumstances 'there but for the grace of God go any of us' in similar circumstances.
> I abhor cheating and cheaters but somehow in this circumstance, I think there is hope if OP can get IC, learn to forgive and spend more time on the marriage and the relationship and work at building something new. Hi His wife will have to prove to him she wants him and do all the heavy lifting.
> However, that is entirely his choice.


Here is the problem with this assessment, at this point by all rights he should have a pass to cheat now then. His wife has completely abandon any pretense of being his wife at this point by cheating. Since you base fidelity on how much a priority the spouse makes their partner, his wife has made him zero priority for over a year. I bet she wouldn't see it that way. This is why we take vows that say for better of for worse. 

Was he wrong to work away from home, it's possible, but what if they wouldn't be able to get life saving treatment without the money he was working for to pay for it? What if his working away from home was literally paying to save her life? That doesn't seem so far fetched for me. Then what does this make his wife?

Now lets just say I am right and he was working because that was the only way to pay for her treatment, and then lets hypothetically say he found out right in the middle of her affair? While she was still in the hospital getting life saving treatment. Imagine what a choice that would make for him? That was what this women was willing to risk to have some attention, she was willing to risk her daughters life. When you look at it that way she doesn't seem so put upon does she? He doesn't seem like the bad guy. 

Again the vows are for better or for worse. Only one person broke those vows. He didn't.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> The wife also was in the middle of the ****ty circumstances, or have you forgotten that?
> Your condescending tone re "date night and buying wife trinkets" says it all. noone is talking about that, I am talking about emotional support under terrible circumstances. Financial support is one thing but not everything.
> 
> It appears you are assuming that financial security is the priority. AND you are making a lot of assumptions about his financial circumstances. For all you know he had great insurance that covered everything and bill paying was not an issue.


She was ****ing another man in the hospital her daughter was fighting for her life in. Condescending tone? If financial security means you pay for the procedure to save your daughters life and your other daughters eat, YES by God that is much more important then you feeling emotionally connected. It's called being an adult. And I talk all the time on her about men connecting emotionally with their wives, but there are times for priorities, when your daughter is dying and you are basically trying to survive that is when it's all hand on deck, rally around the family. The women failed miserably. In the end his priority has to first be the survival of his family, then he can worry about his wife's emotional well being. Hers was feeling good about herself. 

Again think about how reckless she was being? Imagine if he or the other guys wife found out? What would it have been like at the hospital that she needed her daughter to be in to get well? What kind of environment would she have made for he daughter if the the OM wife found out? What if the wife complained to the doctors and nurses? Sorry but even if he is the worst husband int he world, which he is not, this women is a ****ty partner and a ****ty Mom.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

aine said:


> marriageontherocks2 said:
> 
> 
> > That's not a fair assessment at all:
> ...





sokillme said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > The wife also was in the middle of the ****ty circumstances, or have you forgotten that?
> ...


I generally like your posts sokillme, but that last line is way out of line. Neither you nor I have any idea of the stress and despair that having a gravely ill child places on a parent. Calling her a terrible mother because she made a grave mistake in the midst of a truly awful situation is presumptuous and unhelpful. She gave up her job to spend day after day in the hospital with her child. 

The picture some are trying to paint of her leaves out completely the context in which this happened. The fact that she confessed on her own says something positive about her character. I don't know whether the OP can get past this or not, but I do believe that this situation calls for some compassion. Not everything is black and white, even in the world of cheating. 
I am sad for you and your wife OP. I hope you can at least have a good thanksgiving with your family.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

blahfridge said:


> I generally like your posts sokillme, but that last line is way out of line. Neither you nor I have any idea of the stress and despair that having a gravely ill child places on a parent. Calling her a terrible mother because she made a grave mistake in the midst of a truly awful situation is presumptuous and unhelpful. She gave up her job to spend day after day in the hospital with her child.
> 
> The picture some are trying to paint of her leaves out completely the context in which this happened. The fact that she confessed on her own says something positive about her character. I don't know whether the OP can get past this or not, but I do believe that this situation calls for some compassion. Not everything is black and white, even in the world of cheating.
> I am sad for you and your wife OP. I hope you can at least have a good thanksgiving with your family.


You can have compassion for her and still say she wasn't a good wife or mother. Maybe I was a little harsh. The point being he is not the bad guy here, between the two of them she was the one who put everyone a risk.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Where would your daughter be if you hadn't worked and had the insurance and means to pay for her care? 

You seem to be trying to make excuses for your wife here. There aren't any. Especially under these circumstances.

Like most cases of infidelity you got her sanitized version that shows her in the best possible light.

You only know the tip of the iceberg.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. You get to live with that forever. A gift from her to you.

Your life is up to you. You don't have a marriage to save IMO. It ended when she broke her vows.

Would you marry her now? Because that's what a reconciliation is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You're talking about "you can't tell me he couldn't find another job". It's really insensitive and presumptuous given the circumstances. We won't agree on this, I think your responses have been super ****ty, not only putting the blame on this guy after his wife ****ed around, but acting like you somehow understand the circumstances of his daughter, wife, and the cancer diagnosis and blaming him for not finding suitable employment (like you have any idea if that was even possible to pay all the bills on a single income).
> 
> What emotional support was his wife giving him as he was all alone for weeks at a time because he had to? She was giving none, she put all her effort at the lowest point of their lives into a new relationship with another man, she even spent time away from caring for their sick daughter (why she quit her job in the 1st place) to talk, text, meet up with, and **** her boyfriend. It's a new level of ****ty, crazy to see anyone defend it.


I am NOT defending her at all! Her infidelity is a terrible thing to do. 
However, there are two sides to this story. I do not understand either OP's or his wife's circumstances no more than you seem to think you do. I am not blaming him for anything. But as is usual on TAM nowadays, the finer areas of grey are never looked at. The usual response is 

1. She cheated, she is beatch, kick her out.

2. He cheated, she wasn't giving him enough sex.

Circumstances are rarely this black and white and in responding to BS, we must be cognizant of that. The OP is floored, his wife confessed and seems to want to make things right. Shouldn't they have a chance or reconcilation instead of being bombarded with the usual male mantra so commonplace on TAM nowadays.
Yes, in fact I do know what is like to pay for two households on a single income (four 6 years) but seeing as you have your opinion and you are dead set being right. 
You obviously have some inherent anger (arising from your own circumstances) and are doing a whole load of projecting here. So let me ask you, WTF do you know about their circumstances either?


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## Loyalty (Nov 7, 2017)

bhp said:


> I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together?
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> ...


I've read in books and in articles that people tend to cheat when they are dealing with sickness/terminally ill family. It's a way for them to feel normal - focus their attention on something/someone else. Not saying it is right, but it's a reaction some people have.

I think it is great she was honest with you. I personally would have preferred it happen that way than finding out from a stranger (in my case - the OW husband). It's true, your relationship will NEVER be the same again. That's a bitter pill to swallow. The innocence of your marriage and the things you were once certain about are gone. But I'm an optimist, and I believe you can make it through it. It's not like she was in love with this other guy, was she? She had remorse enough to throw herself on the sword and tell you. You are shocked right now because it caught you off guard. It's understandable. 

I don't know what it is like to be in your specific shoes, but you two need each other. Having a family and a sick child I am sure is draining. From what I have read, you aren't suppose to make a decision for at least three months once you found out about an affair. Give yourself time. Don't be so quick to make a long term decision with temporary emotions. While your marriage may never be the same again, know that it could become stronger because of what happened.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> The wife also was in the middle of the ****ty circumstances, or have you forgotten that?
> Your condescending tone re "date night and buying wife trinkets" says it all. noone is talking about that, I am talking about emotional support under terrible circumstances. Financial support is one thing but not everything.
> 
> It appears you are assuming that financial security is the priority. AND you are making a lot of assumptions about his financial circumstances. For all you know he had great insurance that covered everything and bill paying was not an issue.


You are really off on this one.

The poor dear. She took time to organize her date nights to get fd at the expense of her husband and family.

Pretty nice how he had to be away from his family to support them during this crisis and she used it to get fd.

You are coming off extremely presumptuous and condescending to say he could of supported the family from a closer job.

I am in a profession that pays far more for travel than local jobs.

Finding a new vocation takes a lot of time and won't necessarily have the coverage a cancer patient would need.

I guaranty your rainbow scenario wouldn't have worked if I was the husband in this situation. I can easily make 6 figures traveling but not even close locally.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> I am NOT defending her at all! Her infidelity is a terrible thing to do.
> However, there are two sides to this story. I do not understand either OP's or his wife's circumstances no more than you seem to think you do. I am not blaming him for anything. But as is usual on TAM nowadays, the finer areas of grey are never looked at. The usual response is
> 
> 1. She cheated, she is beatch, kick her out.
> ...


The little bias scenario you are playing out here is also way off.

I don't go easy on male cheaters and if you want to talk about TAM bias, there are other threads to do it.

This husband is a real man. He did the hard thing and sacrificed for his family.

His wife used his sacrifice, his trust and her daughter's illness as a means to f around.

I'm fairly positive she didn't set out to use her husband and daughter to get more penis but that is exactly what she did.

She became a despicable woman. He was going without sex or emotional support as well. He didn't get to be there for many moments in his children's lives and didn't get to bond with his sick daughter.

She now has a much closer relationship with her daughter than the husband and she got to stab her husband in the back at the same time.

She took and is receiving benefits from her husband's sacrifice that she certainly is unworthy of.

If she started confessing to her children and praising their father while letting them all know that she let them all down while he supported them all, it would go a long way.

She needs to let that little girl know exactly who was there for her, doing what he could to save her while mom stepped out on everyone.

The extended families should be made aware possibly. This man deserves some adoration and love a hell of a lot more than she does so I hope she is making that situation better.

Seeing how wickedly selfish she has behaved, I doubt she is doing everything she can.

Be nice if OP could fill us in.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

As one who has dealt with a family member gravely ill I understand the pressure on both of you. The number one event everyone wants to see in a infidelity situation is remorse. Your wife at least initially has shown that in addition to telling you when you never would have known otherwise. Does it excuse her? No but it does offer the chance of hope for moving forward. I believe you said you were both on your own dealing with this which makes it 24/7 stress. It won't be easy on you and your anger is justified and that anger will motivate and protect you. Go to counseling and see what opportunities exist. Again- she came to you that is more than most get


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

> My wife has said and shown that she feels horrible that she had an affair. Her reasoning for hiding it from me was because our marriage was unstable and she didn’t think we’d survive it (probably true). She didn’t want to make our children’s lives harder and turn them upside down even more. Her reasoning for telling me now is because I “deserved” to know and she feels like we are at a point that our marriage can handle it.



If nothing else, your wife comes across as highly delusional. She consummates the affair thinking the relationship was over when in fact it was not, and now comes clean thinking the relationship can handle it when in fact it won't be able to, as evidenced in your post, "What now?". There is something seriously wrong with this picture.

Almost sounds like she wants you to hate her and file for divorce so even when she came clean, you will be the bad guy that dropped everything without even suggesting to work on things. Almost.

I don't know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I do give her kudos for telling him.

She has a hell of a lot more to do.

She hasn't even started to right her wrong.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

There has to be a first step and it has been taken by her. So much worry and effort is put into the "investigating" by the betrayed it can be consuming. Surely the poster will need to do more investigating of his own however, she saved him a lot by just telling him. Everything surrounding this story would push many to the edge and few things can test parents more than their child in a death situation. Again not saying what she did was right but she did do the right thing in telling him- you have to start somewhere and only the poster would truly know how sincere his wife is moving forward. Something about those without sin can cast the first stone........


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Don't have a lot time now but not all people handle their hardest times in life in a healthy manner, and OP your wife wasn't as strong as u thought to uphold her marriage vows and that's all on her. Not you.
The old marriage can't and shouldn't survive, if you are both in you can make a new one based on this new experience of each other, and a lot hard work and counseling for her first then u as well. Of course u can choose to end it and file for D.... Is all your call

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Curious timing...

She comes clean a full year after the affair. Why? OP even admits he was clueless to her betrayal. 

Let's play what if...

She was free and clear, a full year had passed and no ones the wiser. Why now a moment of guilt and shame a drop the bomb on H. From my experience, this is a rarity. I lay a $20 down the affair really never was over. Some one close knew the truth and she was scared (threatened) H would find out very soon. 

Best lay down this minimized version (twice, only 3 weeks) and soften the landing. 

Very curious.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

NOT THIS ONE
I would say that surviving a cheat such as this, at the lowest part of your life, is going to be difficult to say the least. One understands that she commiserated with another parent, HOWEVER, the decision to cheat, at that point shows a distinct lack of empathy, character and respect. My first question to your wife would be: How would you feel, after having put your life-blood into our child and the situation, if I would have gone off and screwed someone else. Would you feel betrayed? Angry? Neutered? How is this instance even forgiveable? On top of this shi+ sundae deluxe, she tells you a year later? Sorry, she is done, stick a fork in this marriage. I can't think of doing anything this heinous. Oh my baby is sick! Guess I'll have to fuxk the first hard **** that comes my way!!!!. Rubbish, if you state allows it, be totally punitive in your divorce filing, use her guilt and sorrow as weapons. Get the best possible agreement out of her and then do to her what she did to you, and kick her to the curb. I am sure some lovely woman would be happy to have a good guy like yourself.

If you decide to stay together, which I have not the foggiest how one would forgive this, she needs to do the following: In your presence, she will go to the wife and family of her AP, and beg their forgiveness (she will be lucky if she emerges from that room with anything less than a black eye). Second, once your child is at home, your wife goes back out to work. She will need the money to support herself. Third. She will go into IC, to find out why she turned in her hours of grief and sadness to someone other than her husband (I could not forgive this). Finally, and I will take a ton of flack for this: Make her feel exactly how she made you feel. Serve her with divorce papers, while telling her that you are now actively seeking her replacement. Sorry, but her character is of a low nature, which led her to cheat when she should have turned toward you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I sincerely hope she has told the full truth.

Trickle truth after the way she cheated would be devastating!

I think she does need to confess to her children and possibly families. Confessing to the absolute piece of crap's wife she cheated with should be a must.

Repentance starts with owning it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

In opening post, OP states the OM was single father? Did this change?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> *I sincerely hope she has told the full truth.*
> 
> Trickle truth after the way she cheated would be devastating!
> 
> ...


@ 99% chance that never happened.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bhp, 

There's a personal aspect to this topic I'm not ready to post about, however for now...

What ever became of the OM did you confront him or expose him?

Tamat


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## bhp (Nov 22, 2017)

Wow. There are far more replies than I was expecting. I expected a few. I won’t be able to respond to every one but I have read them all and appreciate the responses. I’m not as good at the lingo and have had to look some things up so apologies if I’m not using abbreviations. 

Of all the doubts that I have, I don’t have doubts about my wife being attracted to me and wanting to be with me. Though I bet someone will come along and say something to change that. She wants to be around me 24/7 and always has, she isn’t a person that needs (or wants) alone time. My wife is a very affectionate woman, and she always has been. She is constantly touching me and always wants to be near me. Whether we are lying in bed, cuddling on the couch, cooking together, driving, shopping, etc. she always wants to be touching me in one way or another. She gets upset if I don’t want to cuddle, hold hands, etc. I can do something to make her hate me and she still wants to cuddle and be around me. We rarely fight about chores, she’s just happy for me to be in the same room as her while she does chores. The affection from her has never really wavered, with the exception of the two years we were mostly apart. During the first year my wife wanted to spend every moment possible together and the affection was very much still there when there was time for it. There was definitely less, but she didn’t ever turn it down. Around the time we reached the second year she became very distant. It was a slow progression, that I didn’t take much notice of at first. That would have been around April 2015. She met the man she had an affair with in December 2015. So based on that timeline, her growing distant wasn’t correlated with meeting another man. I think it was a matter of time (growing distant not excusing cheating), based on her personality and my side of the marriage. I wasn’t a perfect husband. In the beginning we talked as much as we could. Phone and video calls were quickly shortened to a few minutes, and days apart unless we were talking about our daughter, kids or other problems. Just talking as a couple, died off quickly. That was on me. I talked to our kids daily. My wife texted many times a day and I wouldn’t respond or said nothing to keep a conversation going. Calls were the same. When I came home we barely spoke and there was no affection. I think it was my way of detaching from the situation a bit. I know that cheating was her own decision and she is at fault for making that choice, in the same light I am at fault for my choices even though they are less severe. I didn’t cause her to cheat, but I probably didn’t help the situation either. Of the two of us, it was my wife who was paranoid of cheating while I never worried about it, ironic that in the end it was her who took that path. 

My wife has never hid passwords or electronics from me. I have always had full access to everything of hers, and her to mine. I didn’t snoop and had no desire or need to. I do want to see her call logs now though, but I don’t think they will go back that far. On her cellphone they go back to March 2017. I will look into it more tomorrow. I asked her how she’d feel if I wanted to see the call records and she didn’t seem worried about it. She said I would find calls to/from him from March 2016 to June 2016, with the most being May-June. She seems to be open to telling me whatever I want to know, but I haven’t asked for a play by play. 

My wife doesn’t like sex. We have sex, and it’s as frequent as I want it to be, but she doesn’t like sex. Aside from the first couple years and when we were trying to conceive our kids, I could probably count on one hand how many times she has initiated sex. I could also probably count on one hand the number of times she has turned me down for sex unless for a valid reason. If I want to, she’s up for it she just won’t seek it out on her own. So I don’t know if I’m more pissed off or hurt that she went out of her way to have sex with a stranger. If that’s not a blow to a man then I don’t know what is. I have been trying very hard to keep my mind off of what she did. Imagining her with another man is not somewhere that I want to go, and is still hard to wrap my head around at times. 

It’s not only that she had no interest in initiating sex with me, but I can’t help but wonder when the hell did she have time to see another man. When our daughter was being treated out-patient she required around-the-clock care. She was on and off oxygen with monitors that reset every 3 hours or went off false alarm when pulled off. She was on a feeding tube that had to be hooked up and flushed every 4 hours. Her port had to be flushed. Between that my daughter would pull off her oxygen or monitor, feeding tube would leak, slip or be pulled out of place, and if all of that was going well she was otherwise a very fussy baby (can’t blame her). We have 4 other children whose needs had to be balanced and not forgotten. My wife frequently said how much she struggled. So when the hell did she have time to **** another man? When I was home I found it very challenging to balance the needs of all our children, especially when they were fighting for attention and acting out. And that was with two adults in the house. On the side of how much physical work it was, it was harder on her than me, but at least she was able to be with our kids and not the abandoner. 

When my daughter was hospitalized my wife would take our other kids to school, then go back to the hospital and spend the day there. She picked up the other kids from school, took them home or to the hospital, spent the evening with them, then after they were in bed had a night sitter and went back to the hospital. My wife had the affair during our daughters last hospital stay. So I have come up with option A) My wife ****ed another man in a hospital where our daughter was being treated and fighting for her life, another child was in the same position. She might have ****ed this man in the same room that my daughter was in, or the other man’s child. B) She abandoned our daughter to go off somewhere and sleep with this other man. Using that time on another man rather than our daughter or other kids. Or a combination of the two. If she brought him to our house or had sex with him in our bed I’m done. **** that. It’s somewhere I haven’t allowed my mind to go, but now that it has, screw that. 

So not only did/does she have no interest in initiating sex with me, but she was more than glad to do so with another man and give up time with our kids to do it. There were times we didn’t think our daughter was going to live, what if she had died alone because my wife was off banging another man. 

The man that my wife had an affair with is/was a single father. He was divorced. His wife cheated on him. He knew my wife was married. My wife hasn’t had any contact with him since June 2016. She doesn’t have him on social media, though said she use to, and doesn’t remember his phone number or have him as a contact. It would be on her call records though, from our provider, if I can access them that far back. I’ll be looking into that tomorrow. 

Her reasoning for confessing is she thinks I deserved to know. She was in therapy while she cheated and after and she claims the therapist advised her NOT to tell me what she had done. I don’t think I believe that one. What therapist would say to have a huge secret like that in a marriage? She stopped therapy at some point but I cannot recall when, started back up 5 months ago or so with a new therapist. She said that one told her to tell me. I don’t know if I believe any of it or not. A few people said she wouldn’t have confessed after a year and a half of me having no clue, without a reason like someone else knowing or a longer affair. That is leading to doubts about why she confessed. 

I have believed what my wife said, until I started reading replies here and feel like an idiot for believing it. It makes me wonder if posting here was a good thing or bad thing. It has made me more angry towards her at times, and I’ve said some things that I regret now. On commenter here said I should divorce my wife, even if planning on working it out. That seed was planted and in a fight yesterday I told her we were getting a divorce and maybe I’d re-marry her one day. I don’t think I would have said that if I hadn’t read it here first. So, at what point does this go from helpful to hurtful. 

We haven’t told anyone about the affair and I’m not sure that I want to. That isn’t something that I want friends and family knowing. I also don’t want to feel like we can never get past it, with everyone in our lives knowing. I don’t agree with telling our kids, that is going too far I think. Not to protect my wife, I don’t particularly care how she feels about it, but for my kids sake. Adult problems do not need to be shared with kids, especially young kids. 

I don’t think the specifics of our finances or careers are a needed piece of info to know here. If I had another option do you really think I would have chosen to be away from my family during that time? At the time it was the best decision for my family and we fought over it a lot. Our financial side of things is it’s own separate issue.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

verpin zal said:


> If nothing else, your wife comes across as highly delusional. She consummates the affair thinking the relationship was over when in fact it was not, and now comes clean thinking the relationship can handle it when in fact it won't be able to, as evidenced in your post, "What now?". There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It has been my experience that when someone either H or W admits to an affair without the other having a clue it ever existed. That spouse is looking for a way to end their marriage.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## bhp (Nov 22, 2017)

I have read that two or three times now, but the only thing I have never thought she was trying to do was self-sabotage. Since confessing she hasn't shown any sign of wanted a divorce. When I told her I was going to divorce her she damn near had a mental break down. She was physically trying to stop me from leaving and I had to put my hands on her to move her so I could leave. Since telling me that she had an affair she has been doing whatever I ask her to do or what she knows I like. As if that can make up for her banging another man.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Many bury their head in the sand and live with it.

Your life and how you live it is up to you.

You weren't a perfect husband. I don't know one that is.

Is your wife perfect? Did you cheat on her because she isn't?

See the difference?

She may just not like sex with you but I'd bet she liked it with her other man. Probably at least once a week and highly likely in your home and in your bed. Happens all the time.

Like I said. You only know the tip of the iceberg.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I believe that a guilty conscience is extremely difficult to live with, so for that reason people confess. She could have easily hid her affair from you forever. I see this as a sign that she knows right from wrong and understands that she did a despicable thing. I believe she confessed assuming you would forgive her. Speaking as a betrayed spouse, I have zero sympathy for her actions and understand how you feel now. Perhaps she assumed too much.

As for forums and getting advice here, my experience has been that many people do give good advice and do not urge betrayed spouses to go in either direction. They simply help them process what is happening and stick to the facts when giving advice. But many people project their own infidelity situations onto other posters. That is never helpful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man I am sorry for you, what a ****ty Thanksgiving if you are American. How did that go? Am I right and you are religious? So many religious women cheat, I think it's because they are sure God will forgive them, and their husbands too. And most do. 

First of stop feeling guilty for being angry, what your wife did to you is awful. It's life changing, lots of us think of it like emotional rape. You have a right to be angry. Again have your wife read SurvivingInfidelity.com the just found out section. She needs to get the magnitude of the pain she has caused and the team she now plays for. Right now it just seems like she wants to not deal with the consequences. The say they really get it when they stop thinking about their consequences and only think about what is best for those they betrayed. 

Next I think you need to figure out if you know your wife as well as you think you do. I definitely think you don't. Why does she not initiate with you but she does with this stranger, that is a valid question. What does she say when you mention that your daughter could die alone? That one would be really hard for me. How awful. You should definitely find out the details about that, what about in you house, your daughters room? (disgusting) We here have heard it all before. The things cheaters do are deprived and gruesome, many of them are probably sociopaths. No decent person could do some of the stuff they do. Also some of it seems to come from a deep hatred of their spouse They hate their spouse and blame them for all their own problems, I think because a lot of people think when they get married their spouse is going to fix all their problems when they don't they get angry and disillusioned. Besides that all that cheaters lie and they are good at it. What about the polygraph? STD test is a must. DNA test for your kids? What about telling her parents? 

Normally the WS (wayword spouse) is supposed to make a timeline. One that is less graphic and one that includes all the physical stuff. Normally eventually the BS (Betrayed Spouse) wants to know that stuff. 

A lot of these suggestions come from those books I recommended. They come highly recommended. You should read them but more importantly she should read them! 

As far as her AP (Affair Partner) If it was me I might show up at that guys place once just to let him know you know. **** that guy. Maybe he is dating someone now, that would be the time to show up when he is out on a date or something. "Hey do you know who I am? Yeah well you cheated on me and my wife while my daughter was fighting for her life with cancer in the hospital. Now my kids parents might be splitting up. And your wife cheated on you so you know how it feels. **** you." Post it on his Facebook wall. That would be a good start. Let the world know what a POS he is. Right in front of his new wife or girlfriend.

You seem like a real stoic guy, have you said any of this stuff to her? If you can't write her a letter. She needs to see that this is just some short fling, she has change both or your lives forever. You needed her, you loved her, you were supposed to be a team. You and her against the world. Where was she? 

Also I always feel so sad for men who somehow feel ashamed that their wives were phonies. You wife being an ******* reflects poorly on her not you. She was really good at lying. You were being honorable. There is no shame in taking care of your family. That was your job. It was her job, only one failed and it wasn't you. No one will blame you if you leave her, it's what she deserves. She is now your plan B. You are a faithful hard working husband that is what every wife is looking for. She is an adulterous wife. Not really much of a prize. Honestly if you didn't have the kids would you even think about staying? That is why it sucks so much. If you stay and give her another chance it's a gift. 

Most of all the real question is does she really love you? That would be my question, how can you love someone and do this? Are you capable of loving if you can do this? Are you capable of loving and then lying for a year while it is convenient? Is the truth like the last poster said she wanted and out and this is it? 

You need to be sure that this won't happen again. You need to know this is just a one time thing, for many it is not, it's a pattern of a broken person who is really good at hiding it. Do what I said float the polygraph and see how she reacts. Lots of times it turns out this is not their first rodeo. And it happens again even if they promise they are better. They are emotionally retarded and not capable of being in a monogamous marriage. 

Finally I don't think you should dismiss the divorce and possibly starting over idea as easily as you did. It has happened before on these sites. One guy on these site divorced his wife, lives with her but never marry her again. To him it's some consequences, she failed as a wife so all she gets now is to be his a girlfriend. I will be honest I probably would go that route if I had kids and wanted to try to make it work. In my mind the deal would be off the moment she cheated anyway. Divorce would just be making her actions official. Then I would probably date and see what is out there. It would probably help me get my confidence back and also let me see what was out there. In the mean while let her compete. Again that is often discussed and occasionally happens on here. 

By the way I am not excusing your emotionally tuning out when she was suffering. If she had wanted to divorce you I would think she has good reason. If you do get back together or with the next women you need to do much better. Women look to their husbands to be emotional providers. You contributed to the problems in your marriage. Then your wife decided to nuke your marriage. That's the difference, but that doesn't take you off the hook. 

I am sorry for you, sorry for your pain. I wish I could tell you there will be justice but the most you can hope for is some small revenge. Or maybe you can meet someone else and have a good life with someone who is true to you. To me that is the best justice. You and your kids will suffer innocently. Your wife did that. Don't take the blame. 

Like I said in my first post I can tell you you will be happy again. I promise you that as long as you commit to taking agency over your life whatever that is. Don't just take it. Don't stay unhappy whatever your situation. Change it, Divorce or Staying. 

Anyway you are really early in this, it is a life time process if you stay together or it does go away if you fall in love with someone else, at least in my experience. But that will also take years. Thank your wife. 

Again detach. Then decide. 

One more thing if it were me I would make an appointment with the counselor who told your wife to lie to you. Then in the first session I would introduce myself and have a little talk about how what he or she advised was wrong. How it was immoral and how it took away your agency. I wouldn't yell or scream I would even be polite but I would put a face to the advice and I would ask them to really think about what they are advising.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses to some of your points in bold below. 






bhp said:


> . Around the time we reached the second year she became very distant. It was a slow progression, that I didn’t take much notice of at first. That would have been around April 2015. She met the man she had an affair with in December 2015. So based on that timeline, her growing distant wasn’t correlated with meeting another man.
> 
> *One of the things you will learn to accept is that cheaters lie. They lie and deceive and gaslight and rugsweep just about everything and about almost ever detail. As part of their gaslighting they will throw in a few truths to try to get you to believe the rest of their lies. The truth here is she had an affair and had sex with another man while you were working like a dog trying to support the family. All other details and timelines things that she says are suspect and completely unreliable. You have no idea when this A started or when it ended or even if it has truly ended. You simply do not know the whole truth and you may not ever know the whole story. *
> 
> ...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Once again sir, look at the sexual history. She barely was interested in sex with you, but gladly jumped the dad she met in the waiting room. Really? I do agree that you admit to the affair to end the marriage, not strengthen it. I usually counsel reconciliation. In this case, at the lowest of lows, who did she turn to? You have to ask yourself this question? Can you live with the sex? Can you live with the lies? By commission and omission. Can you live with the mind movies? Right now, she is terrorized by the prospect of divorce. Wait until the thought gels, will she be so frightened then? We here render our opinions based on our life experiences. We are all wayward and betrayed spouses. We have been where you stand, and we have been where your wife stands. Take from what we write here for what it is worth. The ultimate decision is yours, keep reading here, and even though we offer good counsel, it will differ from individual to individual. You have a tough road ahead. Be well.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

i am of the opinion that infidelity is not one size fits all. Each situation is unique, and there is no one right way to address. You need to do what you feel is best for you. I,too, Was accused of rug sweeping due to my quick change of direction. Take the opinions of posters on your thread for what the are opinions. From your posts I think you realize that you must get the truth as if you do not get the truth, you do not know what you are forgiving. This is why many posters recommend a polygraph. 

You also need to know what your boundaries- deal breakers are. If she brought POSOM into your house you need to know. The number of encounters you need to know. Again, while not 100% reliable, a polygraph can help in your situation. If she is truthful, it can set your mind at ease. 

Have you asked your wife to write a detailed timeline of the affair ( who, where, when, why and what)? Once you have the time line you can use this as the basis for the questions you provide for the poly. Have you asked her where the trysts occurred?

I wish you the best as you navigate the uncharted waters of infidelity. Also, consider IC for you. It helps.

Peace.


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## LightBerry (Nov 23, 2017)

I may say that hope is still there after infidelity in marriage. I know a lot from my friends and relatives were able to survive the challenges even worst than the scenarios you have shared here. It only takes time but love should always be there to accept each other's mistakes. As long as the other is truly sorry then I think the best way is to forgive and fix it. No one is perfect!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Terms like "success" and "save a marriage" and "survived" etc etc are very subjective. 

All someone has to do to remain married is to not divorce. If we use not getting divorced after infidelity as the standard, then it is easy to save a marriage. 

It's when we start adding in little details like actually being able to stand the sight of them or wanting to be in the same room with them or ever having any warm and affectionate feelings for them or having any respect or esteem for them again that it gets a lot trickier. 

Whether sucking it up and eating the $#I+ sandwich and going forward knowing what she is capable of doing is worth it to you is a decision only you can make. 

I have no personal investment in whether someone tries to reconcile or walks away; all I care about it is that they do not allow themselves to be chumped any further or be manipulated or duped. 

If someone learns all the facts (which I don't know if it is ever possible to know the whole truth) and makes a conscious decision on what they believe is in their best interests, that is there choice. 

What I have a hard time accepting however is when people choose to let WS write their own script for them and allow the WS to chump and manipulate them and end up in a toxic and soul-crushing environment because they did not have the fortitude to stand up for themselves and their own best interests. 

If you are fully informed. Weigh all the odds and options and then make a conscious choice on what is in their own best interests, then I respect their choice even if it may not be what my choice would be in a similar situation.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

I was diagnosed with Cancer and had to work like mad to maintain health insurance for my family and make money for my family in case I died to hold them over.

This created an opening for someone else who happened to be the Dr. who was treating me, I know this is crazy which is why I never posted it before. Given the seriousness of my condition I think the doctor/OM2 was sure I was going to die soon. 

6 years later my W made a similar confession , and I also never suspected anything like this was possible, I think the horrible nature of what she did was what forced the confession although she still minimized and never came clean.

One thing that did change during that time is a new trick that allowed my W to orgasm during intercourse, it lasted for a very short while.

You need to speak with the OM, what I think you will find is a serial cheating man who has rewritten his marital history to make his wife the cheater. Speak with his exW as well, I'm guessing your W was seduced by a player type of OM who is very smooth. The story about OM wife cheating on him is likely a lie to gain your Ws sympathy. 

Get a polygraph for your WW. 

Tamat


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, many times the wayward will lie about the other man being single or divorced to protect him.

Unless you've checked him out you can't be sure of anything.

You never though she'd cheat either did you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.
> 
> I was diagnosed with Cancer and had to work like mad to maintain health insurance for my family and make money for my family in case I died to hold them over.
> 
> ...


Wait your W cheated with you cancer doctor? Did you expose him I hope talk about unethical? That may be the worst one yet, you were dying and your wife is cheating with your doctor?!?!


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.
> 
> I was diagnosed with Cancer and had to work like mad to maintain health insurance for my family and make money for my family in case I died to hold them over.
> 
> ...




From someone who works in the medical field I’m appalled.
Did you report him to the board?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

citygirl4344 said:


> From someone who works in the medical field I’m appalled.
> Did you report him to the board?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


As someone else in the medical field, yes report this to the medical board ASAP.

Not only was this a huge ethics violation but there may even be a major conflict of interest.

How can you be sure you were receiving the proper treatment when the doctor treating you has a personal investment in your death!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

LightBerry said:


> I may say that hope is still there after infidelity in marriage. I know a lot from my friends and relatives were able to survive the challenges even worst than the scenarios you have shared here. It only takes time but love should always be there to accept each other's mistakes. As long as the other is truly sorry then I think the best way is to forgive and fix it. No one is perfect!


Yes, there is hope after infidelity. I am one who has been able to reconcile. My wife's first encounter with a player was right after he dad died. I, too, was wrapped up in work but not for the reasons you were. I sought an escape for mental issues I was dealing with, you were doing what a father should do, and you sacrificed so your family had food and shelter. You are to be commended.
You did nothing wrong. You have to let go of that.

I am one for r if at all possible, however, as I stated in an earlier post a polygraph is a must. My wife took any question I threw at her once we agreed to r. I validated her answers with a polygraph. Had she not been truthful, I told her I was gone. We are doing well, but still have a way to go as it has only been two years. I still have my triggers but they are not as frequent. I a fortunate as my marriage now, excluding triggers, is better than it was by far the five years before Dday. With a remorseful and truthful wife, I would think you may be able to R successfully.

No body is perfect. My MC made the point to us in our first sessions,"no one is perfect, the only person I know that is perfect was nailed to a cross. From that cross we are forgiven". That one quote from him set our reconciliation off to a good start.

One suggestion I would like to make that may help,you is to write a letter to your wife about precisely what the affair has done to you, how you feel( women are all about feelings). Ask her to write a letter providing a time line, why she did what she did, and how can she ever make this up to you. Our MC had us do this, and my letter was 20 pages and my wife feel out of her chair and cried her eyes out for several minutes. I wrote about the pain. How that pain had affected me, and how it made me FEEL. In That one instance, I knew she truly felt my pain. 

I re-read your posts, and your circumstamces were horrible, but my intuition tells me it is very probable POSOM played her to get what he wanted. It was a perfect storm. I am not excusing her infidelity by any means, as I experienced something similar as the POSOM in my case used what my MC called a "wedge technique" to pry her away from me. See F102 Players script on here.

In the end, whatever decision you make, please think it out carefully and try to keep the emotions out of your decision as much a possible as emotional decisions are usually not the optimum ones.

Peace.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

To go back to your original question, I think the answer is: it depends. 

I have seen more betrayed who don't want to lose their marriage after an affair and when they get it back, it is like they won a prize that cost far more than it was worth.

Every single betrayed that I know who divorced or broke up is happy. The ones who initially were not happy were stuck in the mindset that they had lost something. They had not moved on. As soon as they moved on, every single one that I know is happier, not just happy, happier.

Some treat the marriage like this possession and they must keep it at all cost. They are the ones who have settled on a less than optimum life, but at least they saved the marriage.

Some hold on to the bitterness and they exist in this love/hate relationship. They make you miserable to be around.

Some are truly happy. I mean genuinely content and happy. Of those, there is still the reminder of infidelity and they just take those triggers as part of the game when they arise. 

It depends on how you operate. Perhaps the betrayal is a deal breaker. Perhaps the amount of sex, type of sex, or quality of sex matters to you. Perhaps her showing you some type of affirmation of your value as manifest by sobbing uncontrollably or clingyness is what you need to make it work. Then again, it could just be that she betrayed you and that's it. It depends.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your post describing how your wife always craved attention and physical touching suggests that she is addicted to that type of attachment. You were unavailable to fill that need so she replaced you with the POSOM. No doubt they conversed about what they had in common - sick child. No doubt they had coffee and meals together at the hospital. They may have gone on "dates" together when he could pry her away from your daughter. He replaced you over months and she allowed it - hell - she WANTED it. She gave no thought to what she was doing to you and the family. She was totally selfish in that aspect of what she did. She used sex to keep the attention coming from POSOM. You said that her kissing him was the start of the physical aspect. Who initiated the kiss? I doubt that the affair stopped until you were able to spend more time at home and she was not able to meet with him without you knowing.

I am one of those that doubt that the physical part was only was only twice or that it lasted only 3 weeks. Polygraph is a must. You really have no idea what you are being asked to forgive. I know that you have said you believe her, but remember she has lied to you for over a year by having sex with another man and keeping that from you. A written timeline from her of how the affair developed and what she was feeling and thinking during that time is a must. Where they went for sex and when is something I would have to know. As is who initiated the sex.

Now the hard part of what I have to say. As I said she is addicted to the attention. So what happens in the future if you stay married and life throws another curve ball that forces you to be apart for the financial security of your family? Can she be trusted to be alone for the the security of her family or will she give in to the "attention addiction" again?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> Now the hard part of what I have to say. As I said she is addicted to the attention. So what happens in the future if you stay married and life throws another curve ball that forces you to be apart for the financial security of your family? Can she be trusted to be alone for the the security of her family or will she give in to the "attention addiction" again?



This is a critical question that I was getting ready to lose also.

We all hope and pray your daughter is cured and that this is all behind you but what if she gets sick again? Or what if there is some other crisis? What if your work changes and you have to travel or be away from home for any length of time? 

Will she able to keep herself from seeking the attention from other men again?

Will you be able to live with not having her under your watchful eye 24/7?

Will you be able to be the marriage police and watch her like a felon all the time?

These are also things that must be factored into the equation?


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Wow. The thought of engaging in an affair while her child is suffering through cancer is unfathomable. I know if my son were in the same situation as your daughter, I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep properly... much less find some woman to get my rocks off! Divorce her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

aine said:


> I am NOT defending her at all! Her infidelity is a terrible thing to do.


Actually, I agree with the other posters. Despite your protests, and your statements that "her infidelity is a terrible thing to do", you actually DO look to me like you are defending her infidelity. I guess you can't see it. 

I admit there are are some grey zone situations, but this, in my opinion, is far from one of them.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.
> 
> I was diagnosed with Cancer and had to work like mad to maintain health insurance for my family and make money for my family in case I died to hold them over.
> 
> ...


I work with physicians and nurses on a daily basis, and I know that this would lead to the cancer doctor being disciplined (or worse) by the medical board if it could be proven to their satisfaction. I agree with the other posters. You need to report it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bhp said:


> So I have come up with option A) My wife ****ed another man in a hospital where our daughter was being treated and fighting for her life, another child was in the same position. She might have ****ed this man in the same room that my daughter was in, or the other man’s child. B) She abandoned our daughter to go off somewhere and sleep with this other man. Using that time on another man rather than our daughter or other kids. Or a combination of the two. If she brought him to our house or had sex with him in our bed I’m done. **** that. It’s somewhere I haven’t allowed my mind to go, but now that it has, screw that.


Why is your mind even going? Hasn't she TOLD you what the truth was yet?


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

OP- first a quick note to say I hope you are doing well. This has been a tough thread for me to read as your title hits a bit close to home for me.

Can a marriage be saved and is it worth it after infidelity. I have come to believe that it depends on the marriage and the willingness of the cheater to own up to and accept responsibility for what they have done. The last part proved too difficult in my case so my answer to is it worth it was no. However, that was specific to me. 

Perhaps if my spouse would have reacted like Lonely Husband's we would have made it. I can't say for sure, but at least we'd have had a chance.

In the end, my wife was more concerned with rationalizing and lying than saving our marriage. I see that as another selfish act. She was more concerned about saving face than saving our family. I do not think this reaction was unusual based on what I have read. If you have a spouse who is willing to break their marriage vows and cheat on you.... what are the odds that they will be honest and own up to their actions? Past practice is an excellent indicator of future performance = cheating generally leads to lying and other selfish behaviors.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Your list of necessary actions:
1. Visit a lawyer and find out your options.
2. Get tested for STDs and require that she does too. This is part of her consequences.
2. Begin the 180.
3. Have her write down a timeline and emphasize that you need total truth (times, dates, places, who was pursuing, etc.). Minor truths later exposed may cause you to file.
4. Schedule a polygraph, and do so without telling her. Take her to the polygraph without warning her. Be ready for a parking lot confession. If she turns down the polygraph, you have an indication of where you are with her level of truthfulness.
5. Stop comparing yourself to the other man. Even rich handsome celebrities get cheated on. She had opportunity, she had a desire for affection, and she was at a low point mentally. It happens. It had nothing to do with you. You and her family were after-thoughts at best.
6. Do not have sex with her until this gets settled. She could use that as a demonstration of forgiveness.

Good luck.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bhp said:


> Her reasoning for confessing is she thinks I deserved to know. She was in therapy while she cheated and after and she claims the therapist advised her NOT to tell me what she had done. I don’t think I believe that one. What therapist would say to have a huge secret like that in a marriage? She stopped therapy at some point but I cannot recall when, started back up 5 months ago or so with a new therapist. She said that one told her to tell me. I don’t know if I believe any of it or not. A few people said she wouldn’t have confessed after a year and a half of me having no clue, without a reason like someone else knowing or a longer affair. That is leading to doubts about why she confessed.


Unfortunately it seems that your wife suffers from very poor judgement. Confessing the affair was the second worst thing she could have done to your marriage. She should have listened to the therapist (she must be stubborn as well). I mean what did she think would happen? That you would applaud her for her honesty? Seriously. She was cheating with another guy while your daughter was terminally ill all this time while you were working.
Yes, I get it, the circumstances were as extreme as could possibly be and that she needed someone to comfort her. I understand that aspect but it doesn't change the fact that she treated you abhorrently and I am not sure what I would do in your situation. I am not sure it is possible to forgive & forget something like this. It's not like it was a one time slip up. Even if you stay with her, it will never be the same for you. You will forever know what she did and you may be miserable for the rest of your life.
But there are children to consider....It's very tough. But children do grow up eventually and understand. Many parents get divorced and children survive divorces. It's not great but it is what it is.
I hope you will be able to come to a decision what to do.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Haven't posted on here for a long time, but this one it tough. First and foremost, do NOT let anyone on this forum make this decision for you or influence you to divorce or reconcile. Myself included. You need to listen to your own gut here. There are a lot of betrayed people on this forum who will tell you to cut and run without really even thinking it through. Some say this either because of anger of their own situation, or because they forgave and hate themselves for it.

In your circumstance, I don't think it's fair to compare her state of mind then to her state of mind now. Lamenting about her finding time to have an affair, sneaking off, etc...that isn't who your wife is today. This was a crazy, awful circumstance causing tremendous stress that led to a bad decision on her part.

So you have to practice getting your head out of that way of thinking. Only two things matter, 1) can you forgive and live with what happened (not immediately, but at some point), and 2) do you want to pursue a life with your wife from this point forward.

Marriage counseling is key here. This happened awhile ago for her, but it's brand new information to you...she might as well have done it yesterday. You need to express this to her - that you need time to process this and decide if you want to stay married...and that you aren't there yet. It's too soon.

Another question. If she bends over backwards (which it kind of sounds like she is doing) to please you and ask for forgiveness, etc, does this help? Does it make you feel better at all? I'm not talking just sexually, but in general? Is she being kind? Does that help even a little? If it doesn't, then you may be too damaged to continue with her.

Someone said that confession sometimes is done because they want out of the marriage. This might be true, but honestly, I would just ask her this question. Ask her if she wants the marriage or if she told you this hoping it would be the beginning of the end. If she hesitates here, you have your answer.

Let us know how it goes.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

bhp said:


> I have read that two or three times now, but the only thing I have never thought she was trying to do was self-sabotage. Since confessing she hasn't shown any sign of wanted a divorce. When I told her I was going to divorce her she damn near had a mental break down. She was physically trying to stop me from leaving and I had to put my hands on her to move her so I could leave. Since telling me that she had an affair she has been doing whatever I ask her to do or what she knows I like. As if that can make up for her banging another man.


She told you because she feels guilty. She finally had time to actually think.

Its kinda like soldiers that come home from war and start talking about their experiences six months to a year after its all over. 

Forget about the differences in the situations. Focus on this: both the grunt in the trenches or the desert, and your wife, were going through something that they never could have prepared for. Neither could have any hope of really knowing what that kind of a situation FEELS like. 

Hell, YOU were going through something you could have never prepared for. And as i am sure you know, its easy to look back and wish like hell you had done something different. 

Do you really want to know if its possible to reconcile? Or are you instead asking if it is possible for you to stop feeling hurt by your wifes actions? Truth is, both are possible. 

My wife cheated on me once. Im a little weird, but it wasnt the hardest thing i have been through. I remember after i had been home from iraq for about a year and smelled something rotten... old meat that had spoiled. It reminded me of something i smelled in iraq. We had gotten mortared and a ugandan was blown to pieces. These were the contractors that were hired to guard the gates to many of the FOB's. 

My (member of my fire team) grabbed his heart while we were picking up the pieces that remained of him. We both stood guard, shooting dogs that tried to run away with pieces of him, for several hours.... Well, my (team member) kept the heart and decided it would be funny to hide it under our squad leaders cot. We couldnt stand the guy. He was an egotistical idiot that was likely to get us killed at some point. Hell, he had recently tried to get me demoted, relief for cause. Because i dared replace one of my soldiers weapons without telling him first when it failed a functions test. 

When my squad leader complained about the smell in his CHU, i laughed with my soldier. Im not proud of it. I still wake up sometimes with the memory of that damned smell. And the knowledge of what we did. Why did we do that? 

Why did your wife cheat on you? Most people try to understand soldiers that do stupid stuff like this that they regret. But i can tell you from experience that we are no more or less culpable than anyone else. Your wife cheated on you in her time of crisis. She wasnt any stronger than i was in that moment. She violated her morales just like i did mine. And that moment wasnt even close to being the worst of what i have experienced...

I have since had the fortitude to prevent such perversions in my work. I wish i had it then. I wish i knew then just how much i would regret that kind of behavior. I knew it was wrong at the time, but i wrote it off as the lesser of two evils. I didnt think i could cope with war without my men trusting me to have their back in everything, even their stupid ideas.

I wasnt ready for my stripes. 

Neither you nor your wife were ready for what you two went through. 

Either you can accept that and move on, or you cant. For a while, i thought i couldnt handle being a soldier anymore. But, that was really me telling myself that. Apparently i can figure out how to be happily married again after having my wife cheat on me though. So i can learn to soldier again, but this time, figure out what works and what doesnt.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

back to the original OP's question...

I think a marriage CAN be saved after and affair, but it will be a very different marriage. The cheated on spouse needs the freedom to do whatever they want to now....the original bounds of the marriage contract no longer apply...the cheater broke that contract.

Maybe a new contract can be crafted...after much heavy lifting to prove they are worth the effort.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BHP,

I will add that I was completely blindsided by my Ws admission of something going on, I think because I was in survival mode nothing else mattered and I presumed my W would never cheat under those kinds of circumstances. However a certain type of OM will play the field and wait for wounded prey to appear. 

OM2 also appears to be a professional cheat in that he was very careful to cover his tracks and subtle in his seduction and methods. Before I found out about him and my W I saw him out to lunch with women who looked like nurses he worked with. I also suspect that he swore my W to silence and possibly sealed the deal by having types of sex with my W that she could never confess to me. 

OM2 is also careful in his choice of women, he appears to pick women who are mostly decent in stable marriages who love their husbands as those kinds of women are less likely to talk. They are more likely to stay with their husband and end the affair and not become a burden or embarrassment for OM2. I think your W fits into that category as well. 

I will respond to some of the posts directed to me on my thread, but for now I'll just thank the posters for responding.

Tamat


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

edited out


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> She's a betraying, backstabbing serial cheat.
> 
> I'm sorry, but she was fvcking the doctor who was supposed to be working to save your life? Turning her back on you and connecting to the same guy who told her you would be better of just dying?
> 
> ...


BHP's wife wasn't cheating with the doctor TAMAT's wife was. BHP's wife is the run of the mill backstabbing cheat, may or may not be serial.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sokillme said:


> BHP's wife wasn't cheating with the doctor TAMAT's wife was. BHP's wife is the run of the mill backstabbing cheat, may or may not be serial.


Yo uare correct. Thank you for the correction. 

OP, ignore what I posted.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

From where I'm at now I would say that a relationship that doesn't have that special union of trust isn't worth having. It is the core of what the relationship is.
If you feel you can offer that trust to your wife again, you could consider R.
Personally, I couldn't - there would always be some lingering doubt, and that isn't something I can live with.


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## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Yo uare correct. Thank you for the correction.
> 
> OP, ignore what I posted.


You actually made me laugh on this site.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

It appears that OP may no longer be looking at this board. I am unsure whether or not he will let it slide. The unfortunate thing about this is that she will likely not have consequences. All she has now is fear that he will leave. I usually get 2x4's but this calls for the opposite reaction. I believe OP should let the wife know that since she thought it was fine to go outside the marriage, therefore, OP will be doing the same. She can beg and plead all she wants, and OP does not necessarily have to follow through, but she must be made to feel similar feelings to her husband. She needs to be brought low, like she did to him. Oh, some posters would say its enough that their child was sick. OH BOO HOO. OP busted his ass to keep the family afloat during the child's illness, he has to work so that his wife is free to care for their sick child. He gets repaid by her fuxking someone OTHER THAN HIM. So, turnabout is fair play in this circumstance. It is time NOT TO BE A NICE GUY. Let her heart sink to her rectum when she realizes that she caused this and now she has to pay.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

bhp said:


> I have been reading posts here and on other websites about spouses who stayed with their cheating spouse, and it seems like the marriage is never repaired and neither spouse is happy. I know every situation is different, but can a marriage ever be fully recovered and rebuilt after an affair? For the spouses to go back to being happy and truly wanting to be together?
> 
> The simple truth is NO! The marriage you had is dead. All of the trials and tribulations the two of you shared are in the past. From the moment of discovery, the marriage is unequivocally changed. The woman you knew no longer exists and you will never get that back. I suppose you could divorce and start over with her, but it won't ever be the same marriage. It will be a different one. One where the potential SO has a history of cheating. I myself could never date a cheater.
> ------------------------------
> ...


19 and virgin. Nope you don't get that back. Was she your first? You don't get that one back either. No, the real pain and anger probably has not set in yet. 



bhp said:


> Wow. There are far more replies than I was expecting. I expected a few. I won’t be able to respond to every one but I have read them all and appreciate the responses. I’m not as good at the lingo and have had to look some things up so apologies if I’m not using abbreviations.
> 
> I wouldn't be at all surprised. These folks around here are good and helpful. Many people have been helped. Some just don't take the hint very well. This isn't the only resource though. See, the cheaters script is well documented. A simple Google search will provide you with all kinds of resources. These people here know what they are talking about.
> 
> ...


The money traveling is good. It does help a single income family. But it takes a team. Unfortunately, you don't have a team. Your teammate bailed on you. 



bhp said:


> I have read that two or three times now, but the only thing I have never thought she was trying to do was self-sabotage. Since confessing she hasn't shown any sign of wanted a divorce. When I told her I was going to divorce her she damn near had a mental break down. She was physically trying to stop me from leaving and I had to put my hands on her to move her so I could leave. Since telling me that she had an affair she has been doing whatever I ask her to do or what she knows I like. As if that can make up for her banging another man.
> 
> Of course she don't want a divorce. Why the hell should she have to give up her cake. She wants to eat it to don't you know. I have seen some really good actors over the years. You know what they have in common? They are CHEATERS!


Your best course of action would be to schedule a polygraph unannounced and take her to it. Have a full line of questioning in order ahead of time. Places, times, things and who initiated what. I will bet money they had sex more than what she told you. I will bet money that you will be destroyed by what she did with him while you got scraps.

You need to protect yourself.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

aine said:


> I am NOT defending her at all! Her infidelity is a terrible thing to do.
> However, there are two sides to this story. I do not understand either OP's or his wife's circumstances no more than you seem to think you do. I am not blaming him for anything. But as is usual on TAM nowadays, the finer areas of grey are never looked at. The usual response is
> 
> 1. She cheated, she is beatch, kick her out.
> ...


Beyond the pale!
All to get an oz of blood to fill that BS gender war garbage that so many people on here want to push.

I do have an inkling of the situation.
10 years on the road supporting 2 households. 
Stay at home wife/mother/business owner.
My wife has lost 2 uncles, a brother, and a father in the last year and 4 months. 2 of them to cancer. Brain cancer, prostate cancer that spread through the body. The other 2 were long term quadriplegic and heart attach/stroke. They are just as much my family as hers. I have disowned all my own. It's been absolutely utterly ****ty year for us. So yes, I can understand this man's pain to a degree. Not as hard as a child, no.

Yes, you are trying to blame the victim.
This is from a person that is just as hard on men as I am women.

You will soon be blocked.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arobk said:


> You actually made me laugh on this site.


Hey when I fvck up I admit it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BHP, 

Question, when she ended the affair, was that when she started being clingy to you or did that start after she told you about the affair.? here is why i ask...self -preservation ...when she realized telling you might cause you to certainly become angry and sad, that in went into cling mode to help you and herself. But on the other hand had she started to cling to you and give you the attention you needed after the affair ended then she must have realized the mistake she made and wanted to turn all of her attention on you. one denotes a realization of love and fear and the other denotes fear and self-preservation


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## robbie6413 (Dec 6, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> Haven't posted on here for a long time, but this one it tough. First and foremost, do NOT let anyone on this forum make this decision for you or influence you to divorce or reconcile. Myself included. You need to listen to your own gut here. There are a lot of betrayed people on this forum who will tell you to cut and run without really even thinking it through. Some say this either because of anger of their own situation, or because they forgave and hate themselves for it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Look! If someone is cheating on you it will happen again when another excuse or opportunity presents itself. People only cheat when they are looking for something better. Wake up and get rid of this emotional vampire. Find someone who loves you & respects you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I could never get over it myself, but that's me. I would have the image of another guy having sex with my wife constantly running though my head. That being said, in your case there were a lot of extenuating circumstances. That doesn't excuse it but the fact is she did come clean herself which means she does feel guilt. I would say in this situation the ball is almost completely in your court. You just need to figure out if you can get past it or not.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

This has been a very interesting read.

To answer your topic question - NO, this marriage can't be saved. NO- it's not worth it.

Can you put together a coffee mug that has fallen and broken?
You can try, It will resemble a coffee mug. It might even be able to hold coffee. It might even last many years with out leaking. But you will always worry about it. You will always wonder when it's finally going to fail. You will always wonder when the glue will give out. You will always wonder - is this the time I get cut on on a crack.
Inevitably, in the long run, it is simply better to throw out the debris that will more than likely cut you when you attempt to pick it up and purchase a brand new mug. One you know doesn't have any cracks.

Life is far too complicated. Life is far too short. Why deal with a broken coffee mug?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

sokillme said:


> sorry this happened to you. It sucks.
> 
> Well following her logic marriage is really hard for you now right? Should you just go out and have some sex on the side to help you get through it? Ask her that.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^ all of this !!!! ^^^^^^


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Without getting into the weeds of this I don't think there can be a blanket answer. I think this question is unique to each marriage and each participant within the marriage. All we can do is answer for ourselves. For me, honestly, could I stay married to a woman who gave her heart and/or body to someone else? No. No I couldn't. I'd divorce her as fast as the law would allow and wish her well in her future endeavors.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Can a marriage be saved?

Depends on the target of the indefinite article. 

Can every marriage be saved? Of course not.
Can some marriages be saved? Yes. I'm in one. 
Can your marriage be saved? Only you and your spouse know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

bhp, how are you doing ? Hope you are well ?

How did it work out in the end ?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Can a Marriage be saved after infidelity?

I think the odds are stacked against you heavily. The problem is even if you are able to trust the person again, you have to get past staying with someone that did that to you. There will forever be an imbalance that will be incredibly hard to move past. In my situation, I wouldn't have had respect for her or myself for staying. I think some people can do it, but sometimes I question if they are just a different breed than I am or are they just fooling themselves. But, my ex was remorseless, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. Still, I don't think even with tears and snot flowing that I could ever get past such a disrespect. The only reason I'd ever think someone should try to work it out is if they have kids. Otherwise, I just think you have lost all respect for yourself.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

I only read the initial post. I would divorse her immediately. The hardest time in my life was when my son was sick and in the hospital. My wife an I only concerns were for my son. She apparently put her needs above you and your child. I could not forgive that.

She confided in a man other than you. I bet she also degraded you to him. At one of the lowest times of your life, she left you emotionally, she didnt trust you with her thoughts and decided the OM was better. 

Id file for divorce today


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Can a Marriage be saved after infidelity?
> 
> I think the odds are stacked against you heavily. The problem is even if you are able to trust the person again, you have to get past staying with someone that did that to you. There will forever be an imbalance that will be incredibly hard to move past. In my situation, I wouldn't have had respect for her or myself for staying. I think some people can do it, but sometimes I question if they are just a different breed than I am or are they just fooling themselves. But, my ex was remorseless, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. Still, I don't think even with tears and snot flowing that I could ever get past such a disrespect. The only reason I'd ever think someone should try to work it out is if they have kids. Otherwise, I just think you have lost all respect for yourself.


Good post. There are some here who seem to have made it through infidelity. I tried my best. Stayed for the kids. There is a lot of talk here about remorse and showing remorse. What is that? 5 minutes in the penalty box? For me it just changed everything in a way that could not be undone. Read Dig and Regret's threads if you want to see how it can work. For me, psychologically it was impossible. My wife was not kind before and was less kind after, so that also is a factor. It is not something that under any circumstance I think I could ever be OK with. Just with kids and mortgages and all that I stayed married, but it is not a marriage or even pleasant except in passing moments focused on other things. The betrayal shows you something about character, the relationship, and the person you married that can not be unseen, including that your spouse does not respect you. To be clear, I care for her as a person. You have to do that. I listen when she is sad or distressed. Try to care for her when she is sick. Do all the little things. But the marriage is dead and I grieved and mourned that death, but not any longer.


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## the other road (Feb 21, 2018)

I am so sorry about your child’s illness. Both you and your spouse have borne a heavy burden of sorrow, worry, extra work, stress, etc. I do know how you feel regarding the infidelity. This may seem hard to understand, but i am wondering if it really had nothing to do with her feelings for you. Being a mother myself, I can't even imagine her state of mind. i’m wondering if she just had to escape for a short time, and then quickly realized that it did not help anything. She didn't have to tell you. That would be my concern here; with so much going on, why did she? Perhaps that question needs more than the simple answer of honesty. Your question of course, is do you love her? Do you believe that you can trust her again? How has this affected you emotionally? Are you okay? Do you think that you can handle all that is happening to you right now? If not are you ready to get some help, with her? Theanswers will come from inside yourself . You reached out and that is a good thing. i hope i have help give you some things to think about. Believe it or not, there are situations that are worse than what you are experiencing (I’m erferring to your marital situation) so I wouldnot be in a hurry to make a vital decision based on a reaction. Listen to yourself.


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## the other road (Feb 21, 2018)

ChrisSmith said:


> I did not have time to read all the replies, but my feelings about my wife seem to be similar to yours.
> 
> Perhaps the hardest part right now is the thought that my wife was willing to do things that had a very high likelihood of tearing the kids from their parents.
> 
> ...


I’m interested in your description of “basically nothing”. It must have been something...some need..just sex... or was it lovemaking? If it was bascally nothing, I dont think you would care. The thought that it was indeed soemthing is what hurts, isn't it? Some people make it though, some don’t. i think the reasons are countless why some can put it past them, and why some can't. But to hurt someone so much is certainly caused by ‘something’.


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