# Cheating Husband & two babies



## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

Hello,

I need advise! My husband and I have been married for only 3 years. We have two children, one is 2 yrs old and the other is 1 yrs old. I found out in may my husband cheated on me with someone he worked with. The girl left her job at the hospital to go to nursing school just about the time I found out. I had my suspensions in Feb 2012, but no true proof excepted that he called her one time when my husband & I got into a fight and a text message on Vday only saying happy vday. However, my husband was attached to his phone and changed the phone bills to be emailed to him. In Feb 2012 my husband said he was going to go to therapy to help our marriage. The therapist told him he had a sex addition, but my husband did not believe it. 

I pushed my husband in May to tell me because I seen he started calling her from his cell phone. I believe the affair started in Aug 2011 when I had our 2nd child. However, my husband will not tell me ANY details of the affair, only that it was sexual and he knew her from work. Meanwhile, I have software on our home computer and I am able to get his passwords, see emails, etc. 

My husband tells me he wants to work on our marriage and realizes the porn has caused a sex addition. He agrees to go to therapy together, but we've only gone once. I've caught my husband emailing the girl a couple times. It will stop for a few weeks and start up again. The emails are sexual. He tells me that is no longer going to look at porn and will go to therapy. I've noticed a change for the good, but I'm scared he will contact her again. Or cheat again. 

After me finding out about the affairs, my husband was extremely depressed. However, we have two young child and I've continued to keep it together. However, I cannot let go of the affair, the lies, and hurt. I want to let go and move on, but I don't know what to do? How do I get the thoughts out of my head? Is there hope that he will change? 

Mountaingirl00


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Can you tell us more about your situation? 
Do you live near family? 
Is he the sole breadwinner? 
Are you still in counseling with the therapist who told him he's a sex addict?


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## Mr.not.so.right (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it sounds a bit similar to my story, me being the ws. My wife and I are attempting reconciliation, but she is still very angry at me, which is healthy. You need to get all the details from him, nothing left unsaid, so that you know everything, my wife needed that to even consider staying in the marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

mountaingirl00 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I need advise! My husband and I have been married for only 3 years. We have two children, one is 2 yrs old and the other is 1 yrs old. I found out in may my husband cheated on me with someone he worked with. The girl left her job at the hospital to go to nursing school just about the time I found out. I had my suspensions in Feb 2012, but no true proof excepted that he called her one time when my husband & I got into a fight and a text message on Vday only saying happy vday. However, my husband was attached to his phone and changed the phone bills to be emailed to him. In Feb 2012 my husband said he was going to go to therapy to help our marriage. The therapist told him he had a sex addition, but my husband did not believe it.
> 
> ...


IMO, you need to insist on sex addiction counseling. 

According to a friend, who is a divorce attorney, porn addiction, due to excessive internet porn viewing, leads to sex addiction, and then affairs. 

BTW: A growing number of women are porn addicts and sex addicted and this is leading to a record number of affairs among married women.

She and other attorneys say that in the past ten years it has been leading to more divorces and is making divorce attorneys rich. 

Addressing the sex addiction thing, if your husband is willing, might save your marriage.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Can you tell us more about your situation?
> Do you live near family?
> Is he the sole breadwinner?
> Are you still in counseling with the therapist who told him he's a sex addict?


My husband and I still live together.
We are still going to therapy.
I do have family near by, but I would perfer not turning to them until I know that my marriage is over. They will judge and I will never hear the end of it.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank you everyone! I'm worried about the sex addition. Can someone recover from a sex addition? My husband was sexually abused by a female at the age of 5 years old. Which lead to watching porn and now sex addition and an affair.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

His track record isn't too good so far. You have every reason to hold back until his actions match his promises.

As to how long you hold back until giving it 100% again, that's up to you and how much you can take before you give up.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

mountaingirl00 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I need advise! My husband and I have been married for only 3 years. We have two children, one is 2 yrs old and the other is 1 yrs old. I found out in may my husband cheated on me with someone he worked with. The girl left her job at the hospital to go to nursing school just about the time I found out. I had my suspensions in Feb 2012, but no true proof excepted that he called her one time when my husband & I got into a fight and a text message on Vday only saying happy vday. However, my husband was attached to his phone and changed the phone bills to be emailed to him. In Feb 2012 my husband said he was going to go to therapy to help our marriage. The therapist told him he had a sex addition, but my husband did not believe it.
> 
> ...



SO he is saying he will quit but what is he actually doing? That's right lying. At this point you need to change your approach. You are pursuing someone who should be pursuing you. Please look up the 180 if someone could post the link it would be appreciated. Look up the 180 and Learn it live it love it. Right now your WH has not reason to stop. You are trying to fix the marriage and are chasing after him. You want to change him into the new person that loves you and is the husband you deserve. 

Sweetie that's not how it works. He has to do the work not you. You need to approach this like you have been betrayed and not like your H is a wounded dove in need of alot of love.

Starting now you need to demand he send a no contact letter to the OW. The high points are that he has to send it. He has to admit that he screwed up and that he will never speak or communicate with the OW again.

AFter he sends the NO contact letter, with you there to watch him, you demand full transparency. He has to hand over all email, phones, passwords, hidden accounts. If he fails in doing so the consequence is divorce. You need to actively monitor these accounts and be looking for email accounts, skype accounts, burner phones, and any other form of communication. Also it means he has to explain in detail about the affair. How long , with who, how many times, and any other question you need answered. If he will not tell you then pack your bags.

You will not be happy in this marriage until the OW is out and he deals with his issues. You can't make him and if he will not change his behavior you don't need to be in a marriage with him. Because he will not change the addiction will continue and he will likely fall into another A with someone else. You deserve a man that will be a good husband and father. I mean if he is addicted to porn do you want your children possible exposed to hardcore porn throughout their youth?

After the NO contact and full transparency, you need to speak to a lawyer. None of this will work unless you are to put some bite behind your bark. You can always stop a divorce you, can remarry, but you can't make a man stay faithful. He has to choose to do that himself. You need to start focusing on yourself right now. Go work out, start a new hobby, or do something other than focus on your husband. If you don't work look into getting back into the workforce. If your H can't manage to change you need to let him go.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you are to stay with a sex addict you need to educate yourself about it and demand full recovery, starting with seeing a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), you can find them *here*.

I'm copying this from an old thread here:
If you're for real, and a sex addict, then get yourself some help.

HealthyMind.com - Support groups for sex addiction

12-Step Groups

Your best bet for getting good information about 12-step meeetings in your area is to contact the national groups; they all have information for this purpose. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with specific help or meetings in cities than Washington, DC. I have included the local DC phone numbers here. 

Fortunately, there are 12-step meetings for sex addicts and their partners just as there are for other addictions. The list below gives a brief description of the programs, their focus and attendance. The national telephone numbers can also provide specific meeting information in various cities. I have also included the local numbers for the Washington, DC, metro area. 

S.A.A. - Sex Addicts Anonymous: National 12-step program encourages participants to define their sexual sobriety through the boundaries of a "Sex Plan" which is evolved by working with other recovering members. Population is mixed, primarily men, both homosexual and heterosexual with some female attendance.
Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Home
DC metro: 703-912-1904
S.C.A. - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous: 12-step program found in major urban areas nationally. Primarily attended by gay and bisexual men and some women. Participants define their sexual sobriety through the boundaries of a "Sex Plan" which is evolved by working with other recovering members. Has a program for partners of sexual addicts.
SCA - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
DC metro: Sexual Compulsives Anonymous - Washington, DC - 202-736-3736
S.L.A.A. - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: National 12 step program focused on addictive sexual and romantic relationships. Helpful for people who consistently involve themselves in abusive, non-nurturing relationships as well as sexual addicts. This program tends to attract more mixed male/female group.
Recovery is Here. | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
DC metro: SLAADC - 301-503-1048
S.A. - Sexaholics Anonymous: National 12 step program which employs the most restricted definition of sexual recovery. Sobriety is defined as "No sexual behavior outside of a committed (heterosexual) marital relationship." Population is primarily heterosexual men, some women do attend. Has a program for spouses of sexual addicts and offenders called S-Anon.
What is Sexaholics Anonymous? and S-Anon sanon.org
SA in DC metro: sites.google.com/site/samddcnova/home - 703-866-6929
S-Anon in DC metro: 703-440-1875
What is Sexaholics Anonymous?
S.R.A. - Sexual Recovery Anonymous: Sobriety includes "freedom from sex outside a mutually committed relationship." Population is primarily men, both gay and straight with some female attendance.
Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) - Welcome to Sexual Recovery Anonymous
Not active in DC metro area according to their website

Find a certified sexz addiction therapist
Sex Addiction Therapists, Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, Sex Addict Therapists



For the wife

Groups for couples, spouses, partners, and family members

The following 12-Step fellowships are for friends and family of sexual compulsives, or for couples. Also, I have written a page here with information and recommendations for the partners and spouses of sex addicts. 

R.C.A. - Recovering Couples Anonymous: A newly beginning 12 step program which helps partners who are addicts or co-addicts on issues of commitment, intimacy and mutual recovery, with a focus on improving the significant-other bond. All couples, married, non-married, gay and straight, are welcome.
recovering-couples.org
DC metro: see website for phone numbers
COSA - A recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else's sexual behavior.
Welcome to COSA
DC metro: contact national office for meetings
S-ANON - See SA above


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another thing. This is from a recovering site which has a side for partners: *RecoveryNation*
About SA and lying
Partner's Workshop 


> "You're saying that it is my fault he is lying?!"
> Of course not. It is only being pointed out that in the mind of most people who engage in compulsive sexual behavior, a process of immediate gratification has already been ingrained to the point where their natural reaction to confrontation is to disengage from that confrontation as quickly as possible--future consequences be damned.
> "So then, how should I be reacting?"
> First, know that however you may have already reacted...it was the right reaction. Whether you exhibited anger, rage, forgiveness, aloofness--it doesn't matter. You have been victimized--for lack of a more empowering term. Your values have been ignored. Your boundaries have been violated. Everything that you have given to the relationship has been taken for granted. Everything that you have sacrificed over the years in pursuit of this relationship has been jeopardized. You are the victim of your partner's addiction. And so, no matter how you may have responded since the discovery, allow yourself to accept that it has been the right way. The more relevant question becomes, "Where do I go from here?" And to best answer that, you will need to have a bit of an understanding of what your partner must go through at this stage in his/her recovery.
> In early addiction recovery, there are two issues that play a huge role in a person's ability to develop a strong foundation for change in their life. One is that they temporarily suspend their focus on controlling their compulsive behavior. The other is that they suspend the guilt and shame that they may be feeling for past behavior. Why do you suppose this is? Is it because the behaviors themselves are unimportant? Of course not. Is it because your partner has already suffered enough from their actions, and to make them feel continuing guilt and shame is unnecessary? Absolutely not. The reason that they are asked to suspend their focus on these two areas is because these two areas are responsible for triggering the most intensely destructive emotions in recovery. And what they come to learn quite early in recovery is that the stronger the negative emotions they experience, the more likely they are to act out. Why? Because they simply have not yet developed the foundation that will be necessary to manage such strong emotions...and so they continue to seek comfort in compulsive ways. By eliminating two of the major triggers to acting out, they buy themselves some time to begin developing the solid foundation that will be critical to their long-term health. And yours--should you decide to remain in the relationship.


Can you get the truth from him?
Partner's Workshop 


> Stage Ten: Disconnect from Addiction; Full Disclosure Possible
> At some point--usually after a few times having successfully navigated a life crisis in a healthy way--they begin to personally disconnect from their past addiction. They begin to clearly see it as the emotional management tool that it was and no longer feel personal shame for engaging in it. Let me clarify, they will forever feel remorse for the consequences of what they have done, but they will no longer feel the intense shame. Instead, they come to realize that this truly was an addiction. That what drove this compulsive, destructive behavior was ignorance and an unhealthy foundation, not disease and/or instinct. It is only now when they are capable of a full disclosure of all past behavior**.
> In terms of the addiction itself, the frequency of sexual urges, along with the intensity of those urges will have significantly diminished--with most (if not all) overt rituals eliminated completely. More subtle rituals--like scanning, hypersexuality, fantasy--will continue as the primary target of awareness/response. But they will continue at a much more manageable rate. As an example, if it was typical for a person to engage in two or three hundred such subtle rituals a day (much more common than people think--and seen in those without addictions as well), then these will likely be reduced to perhaps two-five such rituals a week by the beginning of the six month through the second year; and two-five such rituals per year beginning with the second year post-recovery. The frequency of these subtle rituals then become one of the primary tools for objective monitoring of overall balance and stability.
> **Note: This is not to imply that your partner has not yet shared everything there is to share. It is only to point out that if they made the decision to hide anything out of fear that such disclosure would have been unbearable, now is the time when they will be able to share it openly--when they are disconnected to that behavior and emotionally connected to their higher values.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank you so much for the advise and tools to help me though this tought time. I appreciate all of the information!


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