# Found out about an one night stand that happened 8 years ago



## lysl (11 mo ago)

Hi everyone,
I just found out that my now husband had a one night stand while we were still dating 8 years ago. We’ve been married for 3yrs and and dated for 8yrs before that. I’m pregnant right now and it’s put a lots of stress on our relationship already. He had a horrible nightmare, woke me up and proceeded to have a crying breakdown last night. He kept saying he was so afraid he wasn’t in love with me and that he wanted to so badly. We talked and it came out that he had had a one night stand 8 yrs ago. He says he never did it again cos it wasn’t worth it. But I never even suspected. I don’t know how to feel at all. I’m just numb right now.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The crying nightmare is just bizarre. 

It seems unlikely that it wad only one time. Generally cheaters do it multiple times. Just like liars.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its hard to know if it was just once or more because being that he has kept it a secret for so long. Many cheaters will say it just happened once. 
Is cheating something you could try and work through or would you end the marriage over it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How far into the relationship did this happen? Where you living together at the time. Also, how old were you back then? It’s up to you if decide if this was a deal breaker, but this can be something you can get past. How is your husband since you’ve discovered this betrayal? Is he remorseful and truly working to earn your forgiveness?


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> How far into the relationship did this happen? Where you living together at the time. Also, how old were you back then? It’s up to you if decide if this was a deal breaker, but this can be something you can get past. How is your husband since you’ve discovered this betrayal? Is he remorseful and truly working to earn your forgiveness?


We were together for about 3-4yrs at that point in our 20s. No, we didn’t live together. I’m not sure how to feel. On the one end, I would have ended it immediately if I knew at that point. But it’s been 8 yrs and during that time he helped support me through my sister’s death. So much has happened since then. Also, I’m pregnant now. It seems like I owe it to my unborn child to at least try. He keeps saying he’s sorry and he swears he did it once and never again. Also, he’s been undergoing a lot of stress and anxiety at work and with the pregnancy. It’s very obvious that he is not in an emotionally healthy state. I’ve also been on the moody side with all this and COVID lockdown is not helping. So I’m not sure now would be a time to make such a big decision. But it feels unfair to myself if I just let it go or sth. Yet I don’t want to add to our heap of turmoil and then drive us literally crazy.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Its hard to know if it was just once or more because being that he has kept it a secret for so long. Many cheaters will say it just happened once.
> Is cheating something you could try and work through or would you end the marriage over it?


I’m not sure. Being pregnant makes me feel like I should try. And I do still love him. What I do know is that if he’s still cheating then it would end immediately.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What did he mean by he’s scared he doesn’t love you? There are two things going on. I hope you can both work it out, it must be very difficult now 😔 Could he have been trickling out an older story, but maybe cheating now? The crying nightmare and then spilling about cheating and also scared he doesn’t love you is a strange scenario.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lysl said:


> I just found out that my now husband had a one night stand while we were still dating 8 years ago.


Well, people have expressed scepticism, but one night stands definitely do happen, quite a lot. None of us will ever know for sure what he did 8 years ago. My question is, how does he seem when you ask him about it? Not so much what does he say, as _how does he seem?_



> He had a horrible nightmare, woke me up and proceeded to have a crying breakdown last night. He kept saying he was so afraid he wasn’t in love with me and that he wanted to so badly.


This sounds like a case for couple counselling, if that's a possibility for you. I'd guess, from the very little you've told us so far, that the nightmare relates to the prospect of being a father. One of the first things I'd be exploring, if I were your counsellor, would be his experience as a child, and what "parent" and "father" mean to him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems odd to me that he is confessing. I mean why, after all these years?. Can you do a little research on his phone and other electrical devices? 
Sometimes people who are cheating will say it happened once. They rarely admit to the full story. 
The part about him not knowing if he loves you is indicative of him maybe having some sort of emotional or physical relationship with another woman. Its like the 'I love you but I am not in love with you' speech. 

Maybe suggest he takes a lie detector test to reassure you that it hasn't happened more. See what his reaction is. That will tell you a lot. 

You could also investigate putting a VAR in his car or even hiring a private investigator if you can afford it. I just feel there is more to this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You were dating only back the. And 8 yrs is a long time to date btw. Damn.

Just let it go. Or don't if you want to trash your M. If this was once 8 yrs ago, during dating, just let it go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You were dating only back the. And 8 yrs is a long time to date btw. Damn.
> 
> Just let it go. Or don't if you want to trash your M. If this was once 8 yrs ago, during dating, just let it go.


They had been dating for 3-4 years. If it had been a few weeks then maybe.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> They had been dating for 3-4 years. If it had been a few weeks then maybe.


I did the math too, I hear you. But same thing. Let it go.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I did the math too, I hear you. But same thing. Let it go.


I get the thinking here of 'let it go' but I can't see how everything between then and now isn't called into question.
What about that one BNO trip, what about those late evenings, what about what about...

Trust is broken so how deep is the rabbit hole?
Once those questions are answered and something close to trust is re-established then yes, I agree, you have 8 years of proven good behavior it should count for something in a marriage with STBkids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You know what I think is the ****tiest thing here?

That this piece of **** woks up his PREGNANT wife to tell her he wasn't in love with her and that he'd ****ed another woman 8 years ago. Because his pregnant wife needs that stress so he can feel better.

Not much of a protector.

And I wonder if I guy on here saying that his wife had a ONS before marriage, married him under false pretenses, and was now telling him she might not be in love with him would be told to let it go. At very least people would be screaming for him to go into stealth mode and check the phone bill.

This guy has another woman but rightly feels like a scumbag with a pregnant wife at home.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You know what I think is the ****tiest thing here?
> 
> That this piece of **** woks up his PREGNANT wife to tell her he wasn't in love with her and that he'd ****ed another woman 8 years ago. Because his pregnant wife needs that stress so he can feel better.
> 
> ...


Now that's the real issue. He's sounding like a butthead all things together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Now that's the real issue. He's sounding like a butthead all things together.


If this was something she'd found out on her own and he'd been an otherwise good husband I'd probably be in the let it go group, although personally I'd never look at him quite the same.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Or maybe he's got another woman and is hoping you'll kick him out so he doesn't have to look like a scumbag by dumping a pregnant wife.

That would explain a lot.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The waking up crying, confessing ONS and fear of not loving you incident sounds like guilt or possibly fear. Is it guilt of what he did Which makes him feel unworthy of being a father to your baby? Or is he fearful of becoming a father, which makes him doubt his love for you? 

I do know that becoming a father is an exciting but also scary time. I think today’s younger generation are even more fearful of becoming a parent than it was for me nearly 32 years ago. I do know that mid pregnancy is not the time that he should be bearing his soul. If it truly was just 1 ONS 8 years ago while you were dating and not even living together, that he should have kept his mouth shut and that it should be something that you both can work through.

But, I have to throw this out there because this type of thing happens. If this confession and telling you ILYBINILWY is to release some guilt but throw you off the scent of a more recent affair, then that’s a horse of a different color.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I did the math too, I hear you. But same thing. Let it go.


For her it's as if it's just happened. She can't just let it go. Even if it was just that one time, (and my Spidey sense says something is going on now), it will still take a lot of time to work through it.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Or maybe he's got another woman and is hoping you'll kick him out so he doesn't have to look like a scumbag by dumping a pregnant wife.
> 
> That would explain a lot.


I actually mentioned divorced even before I found out because it’s not the first time he said he’s confused about his feelings for him. Even posted it in this forum under a separate topic. He refused and started seeing a counsellor to try n fix his issues/ anxiety etc. So that seems kind of unlikely, though I not sure of anything anymore


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lysl said:


> I actually mentioned divorced even before I found out because it’s not the first time he said he’s confused about his feelings for him. Even posted it in this forum under a separate topic. He refused and started seeing a counsellor to try n fix his issues/ anxiety etc. So that seems kind of unlikely, though I not sure of anything anymore


Have you done any digging?

Often times cheaters keep their spouse as a plan B while they're feeling out their options. My gut tells me someone else is involved here.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> The waking up crying, confessing ONS and fear of not loving you incident sounds like guilt or possibly fear. Is it guilt of what he did Which makes him feel unworthy of being a father to your baby? Or is he fearful of becoming a father, which makes him doubt his love for you?


Well he mentioned a lot of things like money the baby/kid will take, effort to make sure they get a good upbringing, teaching / guiding them in these times and general feeling that being a father is a huge responsibility. So it does seems to point to the latter. My friend said he’s under a lot of baby stress and that I should not take his ILYBINILWY to heart. But then I find out about this……i just don’t know anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Have you done any digging?
> 
> Often times cheaters keep their spouse as a plan B while they're feeling out their options. My gut tells me someone else is involved here.


Same here. If I was a betting person I would bet on it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lysl said:


> Well he mentioned a lot of things like money the baby/kid will take, effort to make sure they get a good upbringing, teaching / guiding them in these times and general feeling that being a father is a huge responsibility. So it does seems to point to the latter. My friend said he’s under a lot of baby stress and that I should not take his ILYBINILWY to heart. But then I find out about this……i just don’t know anymore.


Has he given you the details of his cheating? Have you checked his phone and phone bills etc?


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Have you done any digging?
> 
> Often times cheaters keep their spouse as a plan B while they're feeling out their options. My gut tells me someone else is involved here.


No, I don’t know where to start. I’ve always thought that if I can’t trust someone’s word then it might not be possible to be with them


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lysl said:


> No, I don’t know where to start. I’ve always thought that if I can’t trust someone’s word then it might not be possible to be with them


Check his phone and phone bills. Put a var in the car. Suggest a lie detector test and see what his reaction is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s possible that you’ll never know what’s going on with him — or what actually went on in the past — but I would strongly suggest that you not trust him 100% the way you once did. He may have told you all there is to know but he may not have. That’s always the difficult part of staying with a cheater. You’re the only one who knows if it’s worth it. Take your time deciding.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'd want to see his phone right now. There would be zero trust for me, and I'd read every message on every platform. Check innocuous looking apps too, like the app that disguises secret folders as a calculator.

Also a therapist to dig into ILYBINILY.

I'm sorry this is happening. Take care of yourself first. No matter what, you will be okay!!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Many peeps in this thread are picking up vibes of infidelity more than an ONS 8 years ago, even possibly current.
I didn't get those vibes at all. My radar must be broken today or something.

@lysl I hope you're sincerely listening and considering what they say. These people are wicked good at this stuff.

I'll put my rose colored glasses back on for now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Many peeps in this thread are picking up vibes of infidelity more than an ONS 8 years ago, even possibly current.
> I didn't get those vibes at all. My radar must be broken today or something.
> 
> @lysl I hope you're sincerely listening and considering what they say. These people are wicked good at this stuff.
> ...


Nah, no rose colored glasses.

Let's get right to the rat killin'


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I am not sure that he is still being unfaithful, or rather that he is full of guilt and on the cusp of becoming a father it has hit him hard. Is there any un accounted time? protecting his phone? travel time alone or on work? I would also just look at his phone if you can and see his reaction. However, he may just want to clear the air before you both embark on being parents.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

My take on this is that someone else knows about his prior affair and has threatened to inform OP.

There is really no other solid reason a person would confess to that 8 years later.

There is absolutely more to this than a sudden rush of guilt.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Many peeps in this thread are picking up vibes of infidelity more than an ONS 8 years ago, even possibly current.
> I didn't get those vibes at all. My radar must be broken today or something.
> 
> @lysl I hope you're sincerely listening and considering what they say. These people are wicked good at this stuff.
> ...


Personally, I agree. I’m seeing fear of not being up to the task. This fear is at the point of him looking for a reason to sabotage the marriage, so as not to face his fear. Almost like he rather fail as a husband than face failure as a father.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Personally, I agree. I’m seeing fear of not being up to the task. This fear is at the point of him looking for a reason to sabotage the marriage, so as not to face his fear. Almost like he rather fail as a husband than face failure as a father.


There's so many things that _might_ be going on. The only thing OP can objectively test is whether there is any evidence of illicit extramarital activity. So it makes sense to eliminate that as best as she can right away. All the other possibilities probably require IC to figure out with any certainty.

Taking him at his word is super-risky and I don't think that should be given any consideration at all right now. Things like this midnight confession (with no other motive) are really rare from what I've seen. But they do happen I guess.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Seems very strange for him to admit something like this from 8 years ago and while you are pregnant. On top of that, the crying spell.

Was he lucid during the admission? Just want to make sure this wasn't some kind of mental event. 

If he really did cheat, then do some digging to see if there has been any other incidents you can find. If not, I say let it go and bury it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> You know what I think is the ****tiest thing here?
> 
> That this piece of **** woks up his PREGNANT wife to tell her he wasn't in love with her and that he'd ****ed another woman 8 years ago. Because his pregnant wife needs that stress so he can feel better.
> 
> ...


The two of them were not living together at the time, according to her. What he did both via the ONS, was very wrong. His not confessing it prior to the marriage was wrong. His waking her up to confess this was very wrong and he should have taken it to his grave. His guilt and desire for her forgiveness is his being greedy and being willing to hurt her for forgiveness of him. Not a very good trade in the light of day.

Dating for 8 years prior to marriage seems kind of strange to me. It would be nice to know what that really means. Were the F-buddies for 5 or 6 years, before them became "exclusive?" Was it dating out of convenience, until she told him to put a ring on her finger or get lost? Was he really not ready for commitment to marriage and either forced into marriage or perhaps he was just talked into something and just went along? 

I don't like what he did, but without more details, I think she would be foolish to contemplate divorce now or get too stress out over this. Then again, she should also figure out what he was trying to tell her as she needs to know what kind of support she will get from him when their child is born.

Still he might be freaked out about becoming a father. At least for me, becoming a father, meant all kinds of responsibilities I didn't really feel I had before. The thought of having mortgages, college tuition payments, years of parenting obligations, and if the two of them ever divorce.....years of child support or alimony payments can be a sobering experience for most young men. He could have fatherhood cold feet. Yes, nightmare stuff. Of course for me, I really loved my wife and was certain of my emotional feelings for her and the child was totally planned.

I agree that couples counseling sounds really appropriate. She really does need to find out what his "might not be in love with her" is all about. She just learned a very valuable lesson about this guy's moral compass and needs to figure out how committed he is to his marriage, to his wife and to his child.

I wish her luck.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Having a child is scary. It sounds like he’s freaking out and thinking of ways to get out of the crushing responsibility that all of us parents know about 😉. It’s easy to understand being scared about having a baby; if you’re not a little scared, I have to wonder if you really understand it.  That said, you’re the one on the hook for this baby; if he’s already testing off ramps, that’s a bad sign. I don’t know that you should DO anything right now, he could just be flipping out and will calm down after the baby comes. My advice is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst: make sure you have an alternate source of revenue and reach out to your parents and ask how they feel about being around to help. (I wouldn’t advise telling them what he did, they won’t be able to help holding it against him and and likely as not he’s just freaking out and will settle down in time). I’d say keep an ear to the ground and brace yourself just in case while giving him the benefit of the doubt until the baby comes.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rugsweep: Verb -
1. To hide dirt / unsightly things under a rug instead of cleaning it up.
2. To ignore / let go of / bury a relationship partner's poor or damaging behavior, only to have it surface again later in a more painful way.


I can't think of many threads where there were so many posters directly telling someone to rugsweep, usually the advice is to not rugsweep, as it ALWAYS comes back to bite you.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

lysl said:


> Well he mentioned a lot of things like money the baby/kid will take, effort to make sure they get a good upbringing, teaching / guiding them in these times and general feeling that being a father is a huge responsibility. So it does seems to point to the latter. My friend said he’s under a lot of baby stress and that I should not take his ILYBINILWY to heart. But then I find out about this……i just don’t know anymore.


Are you pregnant with twins?
Where is this “They” and “Them” coming from?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

re16 said:


> Rugsweep: Verb -
> 1. To hide dirt / unsightly things under a rug instead of cleaning it up.
> 2. To ignore / let go of / bury a relationship partner's poor or damaging behavior, only to have it surface again later in a more painful way.
> 
> ...


So is divorce the answer for every mistake in a relationship? I notice that far to often divorce is recommended right away for issues that are even moderately bad. Assumptions run rampant to the point that they at times are comical. Oftentimes, the opposing spouse is labeled as scum, no good, deceptive, and just a loser.... None of us are perfect and everyone of us have made mistakes that have hurt our spouse to some degree. If you say or believe that you have never done anything that has caused your spouse to hurt to some degree, I believe you are delusional. 

People make mistakes and people do change. They were much younger when they met. No doubt that after almost a decade, both are different and more mature. I do think she should look into whether there is evidence that there was more cheating. And if there is, then I can definitely understand the pain and leaving the marriage. But if he has been faithful for the marriage and after 8 years? I vote to forgive and to focus on keeping the marriage strong and raising good kids.

Heck, I was immature when my wife and I were dating. Me and the guys were imitating stunts from Jackass, beer drinking games, and all sorts of nonsense. I said and did things that hurt and certainly angered her. But I am no longer that person as I have grown and matures


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

re16 said:


> Rugsweep: Verb -
> 1. To hide dirt / unsightly things under a rug instead of cleaning it up.
> 2. To ignore / let go of / bury a relationship partner's poor or damaging behavior, only to have it surface again later in a more painful way.
> 
> ...


This was a ONS 8 years ago when they were dating. They were young and not even living together. 
Yes, he should have confessed before they got married or even lived together but unfortunately that didn’t happen and he thereby stole her agency. Yes, it’s F’d up but is this worth blowing up the marriage and their budding family at this stage of the game? 

I do suggest that she should do her due diligence of checking his devices to make sure his confession wasn’t a diversion from a more recent betrayal. Barring no additional betrayals, I think this is something they can work through. We would be doing her a disservice if we throw fuel on the fire and advocate that she divorce.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

red oak said:


> Are you pregnant with twins?
> Where is this “They” and “Them” coming from?


Nope just one. Thank god for that. I used “them” and “they” since that’s neutral and calling the baby an “it” feels wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lysl said:


> Nope just one. Thank god for that. I used “them” and “they” since that’s neutral and calling the baby an “it” feels wrong.


Just say the baby🙂


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

lysl said:


> Nope just one. Thank god for that. I used “them” and “they” since that’s neutral and calling the baby an “it” feels wrong.


I don't understand about wanting to be neutral? What do you mean by that?


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Update: I asked to see his phone. He refused and kept on apologising. He said it’s 8yrs ago, such a long time before and that he could have not told me but he did to be honest. And that he has conversations with friends where he talked about me that he doesn’t want me to see. 
I just so tired of this. I don’t want to have to sneak about and search his devices. Legality aside, that’s really not my style. He did ask that we go to marriage counselling but I am now more suspicious and hate that feeling. Totally opposite to my personality. Starting to just want to become angry instead of trying to save anything. But I know that’s immature. WTFFFFFFFFF sigh…


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

lysl said:


> Update: I asked to see his phone. He refused and kept on apologising. He said it’s 8yrs ago, such a long time before and that he could have not told me but he did to be honest. And that he has conversations with friends where he talked about me that he doesn’t want me to see.
> I just so tired of this. I don’t want to have to sneak about and search his devices. Legality aside, that’s really not my style. He did ask that we go to marriage counselling but I am now more suspicious and hate that feeling. Totally opposite to my personality. Starting to just want to become angry instead of trying to save anything. But I know that’s immature. WTFFFFFFFFF sigh…


Going by what you are saying, this isn't good. No offense, but he sounds like a very strange guy.

But talking about you in a negative way to his friends is just flat out wrong and not cool... I am now beginning to think that he is being consumed with guilt from doing something he shouldn't be doing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lysl said:


> Update: I asked to see his phone. He refused and kept on apologising. He said it’s 8yrs ago, such a long time before and that he could have not told me but he did to be honest. And that he has conversations with friends where he talked about me that he doesn’t want me to see.
> I just so tired of this. I don’t want to have to sneak about and search his devices. Legality aside, that’s really not my style. He did ask that we go to marriage counselling but I am now more suspicious and hate that feeling. Totally opposite to my personality. Starting to just want to become angry instead of trying to save anything. But I know that’s immature. WTFFFFFFFFF sigh…


So why is he talking badly about you to his friends?????
It's very suspicious that he won't let you see his phone and now he has probably deleted the relevant messages. 
I would buy a voice activated recorder and put it in the car. I would also say you are going to book a lie detector test because you don't trust him. See his reaction.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I think it would be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone you can’t trust. People on here talk a lot about hiring PIs and hiding VARs and scouring their spouses phones and all that… to me, if it’s come to that the trust is gone. Without trust, what are you trying to save? Just my two cents.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lysl said:


> I asked to see his phone. He refused


Major red flag in my opinion.
All his excuses are BS and should come secondary to giving you peace of mind.
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt until now.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

lysl said:


> Nope just one. Thank god for that. I used “them” and “they” since that’s neutral and calling the baby an “it” feels wrong.


I thought it was his word usage.
My wife can look at my messages any time she wants.
Saying he woke up in the middle of the night like he did reminds me of what took place with my wife, and thought I would mention it. She did cry because it was scaring her what was going through her mind, and the strength of the compulsion I guess you call it.
Is he different now than the previous 8 years? Has he had a recent personality change?
If he has had a personality change was any medication take in the preceding 2-3 weeks?

Couple years ago my wife was taking antibiotics, she woke me up, she was scared because she had woke up and wanted to kill me, or anything else.
So out of character for her she was terrified.

Looking up medications one she was taking listed under “rare, severe side effects” included personality changes, violent compulsions, nightmares, hallucinations, rage etc. “stop taking immediately if have any those signs it said.”
Before that we had no idea some antibiotics could cause something like that. There are other medications that can do the same. Doctor tried to say antibiotic don’t do that until wife, in her antibiotic induced rage said she better look it up. 😂
It all started with her waking up in middle of the night.
If was a rough couple weeks for me looking over my shoulder, and dealing with differences in personality until it got out of her system. She got 95% back to normal. 

Edit: maybe not relevant just thought I’d put it out there as something to look at, in case this is a sudden change from his normal self.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What are you going to do in counseling besides listen to him ******** you?

Your husband is a liar and very likely has someone else right now. He may offer you his phone after he's deleted everything, but now you know what you're dealing with.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I don't understand about wanting to be neutral? What do you mean by that?


She may not know the gender yet.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

red oak said:


> Are you pregnant with twins?
> Where is this “They” and “Them” coming from?





Diana7 said:


> Just say the baby🙂





ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I don't understand about wanting to be neutral? What do you mean by that?





Openminded said:


> She may not know the gender yet.


Oh for goodness sake. She may not know the gender or she may not want to tell the gender. Using “they“ and ”them” as a pronoun is perfectly acceptable, and does not require this much commentary.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

lysl said:


> Update: I asked to see his phone. He refused and kept on apologising. He said it’s 8yrs ago, such a long time before and that he could have not told me but he did to be honest. And that he has conversations with friends where he talked about me that he doesn’t want me to see.
> I just so tired of this. I don’t want to have to sneak about and search his devices. Legality aside, that’s really not my style. He did ask that we go to marriage counselling but I am now more suspicious and hate that feeling. Totally opposite to my personality. Starting to just want to become angry instead of trying to save anything. But I know that’s immature. WTFFFFFFFFF sigh…


You shouldn't have asked, you should have tried to find another way to snoop. Now he is going to delete all the evidence that show whatever he is doing behind your back and gaslight you much easily while you are confused. 
The only reason to actually ask a cheater to show their phone is to look if they show it immediately or try to hide it. And he failed that test really badly.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

BlueWoman said:


> Oh for goodness sake. She may not know the gender or she may not want to tell the gender. Using “they“ and ”them” as a pronoun is perfectly acceptable, and does not require this much commentary.


Chill.
Other more pertinent things to discuss. 
If it had been his word usage it could have been a clue to behavior unusual behavior.


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## One Eighty (Apr 30, 2018)

Why did you date for 8 years? Like another poster said, Dammm that is a long time. Unless you were not serious or against marriage in general. Nether of these things seem to be possible in your case since you married before getting pregnant.

So why 8 years? Maybe because he was always lukewarm about you? He got older and decided to "settle" for the bird in the hand? If so I'd say dump him and move on to someone that really thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread. Find that guy. Don't you settle for a guy that thinks of you as just better than nothing.

If you do, you will likely end up divorced anyway. Just later in life after you wasted a lot of time in a mediocre or even bad relationship.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think it would be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone you can’t trust. People on here talk a lot about hiring PIs and hiding VARs and scouring their spouses phones and all that… to me, if it’s come to that the trust is gone. Without trust, what are you trying to save? Just my two cents.


That’s what I think too. And struggling with.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

One Eighty said:


> Why did you date for 8 years? Like another poster said, Dammm that is a long time. Unless you were not serious or against marriage in general. Nether of these things seem to be possible in your case since you married before getting pregnant.
> 
> So why 8 years? Maybe because he was always lukewarm about you? He got older and decided to "settle" for the bird in the hand? If so I'd say dump him and move on to someone that really thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread. Find that guy. Don't you settle for a guy that thinks of you as just better than nothing.
> 
> If you do, you will likely end up divorced anyway. Just later in life after you wasted a lot of time in a mediocre or even bad relationship.


It was mostly a financial thing. We met when we just started working after uni. Living costs are very high where I live. We always said to get married at around 30. Now I’m not sure it was the right decision or not. Obviously, am now doubting everything.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lysl said:


> That’s what I think too. And struggling with.


I know it’s scary to think about having a baby by yourself. But how scary is it to also have the uncertainty of not knowing how long he’ll stick around?


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know it’s scary to think about having a baby by yourself. But how scary is it to also have the uncertainty of not knowing how long he’ll stick around?


Yes, both are scary.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lysl said:


> That’s what I think too. And struggling with.


Sometimes these the are needed when you are not sure if something is going on. If you want to be sure.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lysl said:


> Update: I asked to see his phone. He refused and kept on apologising. He said it’s 8yrs ago, such a long time before and that he could have not told me but he did to be honest. And that he has conversations with friends where he talked about me that he doesn’t want me to see.
> I just so tired of this. I don’t want to have to sneak about and search his devices. Legality aside, that’s really not my style. He did ask that we go to marriage counselling but I am now more suspicious and hate that feeling. Totally opposite to my personality. Starting to just want to become angry instead of trying to save anything. But I know that’s immature. WTFFFFFFFFF sigh…


You deserve so much better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's something really off here. Something is missing and I'm not sure what. 

Has he had any history of mental illness or emotional problems?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I agree with other posters that he is going through a pre-baby crisis.

He is also a douche for telling you about the one night stand from nearly a decade ago. He should have taken that bull to the grace rather than soiling your pregnancy. What was he thinking?? Now of all times to have a confession??

_edit_

I missed your update about the phone. He is hiding something. That is liar behavior.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

If you asked him to see his phone and he flat out refused, you should have kicked him out on his ear. The only reason he did not show you is that his phone is full of things he is hiding.. be that other convos or ANYTHING.. you are married and you should have NO secrets. His deleting.. or refusing to let you see his phone is him keeping secrets. I guarantee that if you ever get to his phone now everything will be wiped.

That basically told you everything you need to know.


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## lysl (11 mo ago)

Update: I've been able start counselling for myself this week. Whatever the decision, I plan to go through things with the counsellor first. It's too big a decision to make without being 100% sure of myself first. Thanks everyone. I definitely picked up some pointers and strength as well. Wish me luck!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@lysl We will be here for you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

lysl said:


> I’m not sure. Being pregnant makes me feel like I should try. And I do still love him. What I do know is that if he’s still cheating then it would end immediately.


Polygraph him.


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