# How to get a 19 year old to grow up??



## ladybird

My 19 year old son moved in with us a couple of months ago... My uncle and his wife adopted him when he was a baby (long story) anyway... 

He always "hides" in his room downstairs, sleeps all day up all night. Always on facebook.. Isn't actively looking for a job ( He has put a couple of applications in since he has been here, only because i have told him that he needs to get a job.) Gone for days at a time and I have no idea where he is, or when he is coming back. 

We had to put alcohol that we have had for years in our bedroom, because he decided to help himself to it.. 

I told him before he moved it that he would have to get a job. I know how hard it is to find a job (I have been filling out apps for over a year) But, he won't get one if he doesn't look for one. There are 4 people living here and soon to be a 5th, I am pregnant. My husband is nagging me about my son and it just pisses me off and stresses me out even more. 

I don't know what to do.. If he doesn't get his **** together my husband will kick him out and I don't want that.


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## PBear

I think your husband is right... Why is your son sitting on his butt, not looking for a job and drinking your booze? And presumably, eating your food for free?

C


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## Unique Username

Quit ENABLING him to be a deadbeat.

If he isn't in school, he has to get a job. Period.

He needs to go down to the local Employment Office and register. They have resume building classes, interview taking classes, and LOTS of help to offer someone entering the workforce. They even have programs and funding for trade/technical/vocational school.

They are always hiring at fast food places. One can quickly move to management etc. 

OR - he could enlist in the armed forces and learn skills and trades there while being paid....that might be a good thing for him.

He's 19......not legal to drink...no drinking allowed. Same for drugs...tell him he breaks these rules and he is out on his butt. 

Up all night and sleep all day makes it difficult to find a job, and certainly not conducive to your household..esp considering there is a baby coming.

YOU are the "Parent" act like one. 

And what chores is this young adult taking care of in the household?


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## EnjoliWoman

:iagree:

My daughter is 14 but she knows she has three choices after high school if she wants to live with me or have me help support her:

a) full time college
b) full time job
c) part time college + job

He's 19. He should be going to school. I'd give him those choices. One of the jobs can be military enlistment. Not a bad idea to cultivate some motivation in a kid that needs it.


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## mablenc

He's an adult, give him a 30 day notice to either get a job and contribute or leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Oh and meanwhile, (while looking for a job, enrolling in school) he should be earning his keep. Cleaning up after dinner, mowing the grass, painting the baby's room (you say you're expecting), cleaning the house/garage/cars, etc.


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## Hope1964

All my kids had one year free after high school. Then they had to start paying rent or be in school. Rent was $300 per month. They all had the option of paying $500 a month and we would put $200 a month into savings for them, but they all chose the $300 option.

You need to sit him down and have a chat. Lay out the rules, and the consequences if he doesn't follow the rules. Then - and this is KEY - you MUST follow through with whatever consequences you have agreed on.


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## hambone

He's not going to do anything until he's forced to do it.

I'd quit making life so easy for him... If you're doing laundry for him.. stop... etc.


And, I'd give him 30 days notice to get a job and start contributing or he's gone...


He's gonna milk this for all it's worth...


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## damsel

Question.. and I don't mean to hijack this thread. I live in Canada and I know that some laws are similar between here and the US.. if anyone knows and can answer me, I'd be grateful.

I'm in the same ****. Except it's my 27 year old brother in law that lives with us. If I give him 30 days notice, do I have to do that in writing? And if he's not gone or get job by 30 days, can I call the cops?


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## EleGirl

damsel said:


> Question.. and I don't mean to hijack this thread. I live in Canada and I know that some laws are similar between here and the US.. if anyone knows and can answer me, I'd be grateful.
> 
> I'm in the same ****. Except it's my 27 year old brother in law that lives with us. If I give him 30 days notice, do I have to do that in writing? And if he's not gone or get job by 30 days, can I call the cops?


In most US states you can give him a 30 day notice to vacate. Then have a court remove him if he will not go on his own.

You might want to see an attorney for a consolation to find out the laws in your area. I don't know Canadian law.


You could pay him to leave. Offer him the option of you paying the first and last month on a place he moves to or equivalent cash after payable AFTER he moves out. He will most likely take the case.


Or you could tell him that you are moving and he's not going with you... maybe he'll buy that and move.


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## EleGirl

ladybird said:


> My 19 year old son moved in with us a couple of months ago... My uncle and his wife adopted him when he was a baby (long story) anyway...
> 
> He always "hides" in his room downstairs, sleeps all day up all night. Always on facebook.. Isn't actively looking for a job ( He has put a couple of applications in since he has been here, only because i have told him that he needs to get a job.) Gone for days at a time and I have no idea where he is, or when he is coming back.
> 
> We had to put alcohol that we have had for years in our bedroom, because he decided to help himself to it..
> 
> I told him before he moved it that he would have to get a job. I know how hard it is to find a job (I have been filling out apps for over a year) But, he won't get one if he doesn't look for one. There are 4 people living here and soon to be a 5th, I am pregnant. My husband is nagging me about my son and it just pisses me off and stresses me out even more.
> 
> I don't know what to do.. If he doesn't get his **** together my husband will kick him out and I don't want that.


Get the book "Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency"

You are falling into a trap trying to control/influence the behavior of an adult. You are enabling your son to not be the most he can be.

Tell him that he has to move out. If he needs to he can join the military. It will do him good.


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## reesespieces

I agree with what Enjoli said. When I was 19, I worked 20+ hours a week and went to school. I tried to pay for everything on my own without my parents help. I actually wanted to move out and live on my own but my parents are traditional Asians who didn't want me to do that. At 19, you'd think someone would be bored playing games and just loafing around. I tried to stay as active as possible at that age.


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## I got this

Start with some rules to earn your support like go to bed at 10 pm get up at 6 am and turn in his daily report with proof what he has done to move forward with his issue or throw his ass out. 

He needs a kick in the ass and apparantly so do you for enabling him being a complete loser.


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## turnera

ladybird said:


> I don't know what to do.. If he doesn't get his **** together my husband will kick him out and I don't want that.


 Yes, you do want that. If you love your son, you will LET your husband kick him out and you will SUPPORT your husband kicking him out. It's the only way your son can possibly grow up, since he seems to have developed the 'give me' gene.

Let him figure out some other way to get everything you've been giving him. Maybe then he WILL grow up and realize what he should be grateful.

But the longer you let him stay there and contribute NOTHING, the longer you reinforce that it's ok to be a freeloader on society. Don't be that weak mom that lets her kids live with her their whole lives just because she's weak. BE a mom and kick him out. He can always come back to you and prove that he's gotten his act together, later.


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## LoveAtDaisys

You could have written this about my younger brother! Except he's 21 and my mother hasn't decided to kick him out yet (I've been urging her to for the last two years).

When I was 19, I had to move back home - I lost my job and no longer could afford to go to school, which meant I was kicked out of the dorms. I was a freeloader for about a month and a half before my parents laid down the ultimatum - I had to either move out or start paying rent. They also said I could join the military, but the intent was clear: I could not stay at their house unless I helped out monetarily, as I was an adult.

I joined the military, and honestly, it was the best choice I ever was forced to make. I constantly tell my parents how grateful I am they pushed me in this direction. They insist I chose it myself, but I know I would have never gone down this path if my mother hadn't sat me down, helped me research, and encouraged me to do it. I owe them a huge debt that I can never repay for that.

All the suggestions you've gotten are great:
- Enforce a curfew; if he isn't home by xxx time make sure he knows that you WILL be locking the door/windows if necessary and it will not be unlocked until xxx time in the morning. Should he cause a disturbance (say, he comes home at 2am and starts knocking/ringing the doorbell/causing a commotion) you WILL call the police.

- Enforce household chores to be done (and as he's home majority of the time, he should be able to do a larger portion of the chores, right?); alternatively, you can tell him that you will no longer be washing his dishes or doing his laundry or cleaning his bathroom if he has his own bathroom space.

- Tell him he MUST start paying rent. My parents offered me 100 dollars under the lowest one-bedroom apartment rate for our area (at the time, $350) - figure out what you feel is a fair rate. Before you tell him to pay rent, though...

- Tell him that since he uses the lion's share of your internet access, he owes you half of the internet bill each month. If you want to be especially mean, you can also add to this your electricity bill, as his electronics being on at all hours eats into this...

- ...and he must either pay a flat rate per month to eat your food or buy his own food (if you want to be nice, get him a mini fridge; otherwise, he gets a shelf in the fridge and a shelf in the cabinet) and he isn't allowed to eat the family's food.

- GET ALL THIS IN WRITING. Like a lease. Let him know that the terms can and will be revisited at any time at your discretion and that if he doesn't hold up the terms you will be giving him a 30-day notice to vacate.

Is it harsh? Yes. But I promise it works and I'm living proof that it can change someone for the better 

Oh! Last caveat: if he's anything like my brother, he will say at one point something about how he isn't a kid anymore. Let him know that as he is now an adult in this situation he is not your child, but rather a roommate. You are not infantilizing him nor are you taking away his adulthood; in fact, you are empowering him by giving him the opportunity to be an adult.


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## turnera

I'm going to take a guess, but did he say that he had to leave Uncle's house because they just weren't getting along?

My guess is that THEY laid down the law with him, he wanted a free ride, so he figured it would be easy to guilt you into letting him come live with YOU, all so he wouldn't have to do the work THEY were demanding of him (as they should be).


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## buddiesmom

I love some of the replies I've seen. I have a similar problem with my 25yo daughter. We moved to our current home in Jan of 07, just as the world was falling apart. But our problem was something else. I have a back condition and suffer from chronic pain. I can no longer work. We were having a lot of trouble with our then 18 yo. We could no longer afford to live in the house we raised our 3 kids so we put the house up for sale and looked for a new place 50 miles further west. We could afford it on just my husbands income. Perfect. We told our daughter she was no welcome to come with us. We wanted a fresh start. 
All was fine until the crash in 08'. AS with everyone we had a little trouble with our bank, but that was it. But the 19 yo lost her job, not her fault. She begged to move in with us. 
She is still here. Now has a son, no partner. He's in jail for beating her. She did go to school to get her CNA license, and is now enrolled in a nursing program. She has made some progress. The problem is this, she does not give us dime one for support for her or her son. Not because we did not ask, it's because she does not have any money, well sort of. She has a car with a loan and work expenses. She is working part-time at a hospital, they are paying for part of her college tuition and financial aide pays the rest. 
We have spent the past 2 years going through hell because we got behind on all of our bills, including our mortgage, because we do not have the extra money to support them. I am on disability, but not til after waiting for 3 years for a hearing. So we are not rich by any means and only had one income for over 4 years ( you don't get to claim disability the day something happens). The money is not my main issue though. I can understand she is not going to be able to support son and herself. My problem is she does almost nothing to help with day to day living issues. Cleaning up after themselves, putting things away. Do your own dishes, maybe do the dinner dishes once in a while. Finish laundry in a timely manner. She hogs, and I mean hogs, MY washer and dryer for day, upon day, upon day. Don't abuse the "free" babysitting. She never asks until 10 mins before she leaves. Or she thinks because he's taking a nap she can go to the mall for 3 hours, or leaves at 7pm to go "for a walk with Danny (new beau) and doesn't come back until 10:30. And if I say anything to her about any of this or a multitude of issues, she screams and yells and tells me it's me that's the problem. All I do is "complain". Nice, hun? 
The reason this fits this website? Because she gets my husband to side with her. And I can't talk with him either because "all I do is *****". In some ways it's true, it does seem like it is all I do. Pick up after 2 adults and 1 child cause they take no responsibility for anything to do with the inside of the house, and I do this in constant pain. I am not home everyday to wait on them. I am home because I can no longer work because I have a physical condition that prevents me from doing that! They don't seem to get it, or care. My husband and I have our own problems, we don't need more. I have asked him many, many times to sit down and talk about this together and then with her, but he seems to always "forget" or just can't find the time. 
I was the one who threw her out in 07', and she stills whines about that, how mean I am. I don't want to be the bad guy again, but I don't want the title again.


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## turnera

She only does it because you allow it.


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## PBear

damsel said:


> Question.. and I don't mean to hijack this thread. I live in Canada and I know that some laws are similar between here and the US.. if anyone knows and can answer me, I'd be grateful.
> 
> I'm in the same ****. Except it's my 27 year old brother in law that lives with us. If I give him 30 days notice, do I have to do that in writing? And if he's not gone or get job by 30 days, can I call the cops?


Do a google search for the landlord tenant board in your area. They can help you with the process.

C


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## Hortensia

This reminds me of the movie Failure to Launch. Lol. Hopefully your son doesn't get to that age to be on his own feet. He just needs a harder push, so stop enabling the lazy attitude.


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## ladybird

turnera said:


> I'm going to take a guess, but did he say that he had to leave Uncle's house because they just weren't getting along?
> 
> My guess is that THEY laid down the law with him, he wanted a free ride, so he figured it would be easy to guilt you into letting him come live with YOU, all so he wouldn't have to do the work THEY were demanding of him (as they should be).


 My husband called my uncle and found out the real story about what really happened. I was going to , but he beat me to it. He wouldn't get a job, he dropped out of school, wouldn't do any chores around the house or clean up after himself. So they laid down the law with him and he didn't like it.


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## ladybird

UPDATE************************************

So after I posted this, my husband and I searched his room, he found a couple of bottles filled with pee, his room was a mess. 

We talked to him about the bottles they we found and the state his room was in. I shut of the internet, so he couldn't use it I changed the pass words so he couldn't connect. 

He did get a job last week, but it was selling kirby vacuums door to door and come to find out last night that they are not going to pay him what they said they were going to pay him in the beginning. Last night he decided he was done with that job. I only found out because I asked him when he had to be to work today, after being off for 2 days. When he could have spent those 2 days looking for another job. I didn't know he wasn't going to go back!

Yesterday he spent the entire day hanging out with a friend at a park. Supposedly talking about his friend getting him a job at the place he works. My husband decided that he would take him up to this friends house today, so they both could go down to the friends work and try to get my son in a good word to get a job. 

As my son was on the way out the door I noticed that he had jeans and a tee shirt on under his dress clothes. I thought that was Odd. Why not just take it with him and change after they were done at the friends place of employment. 

After my husband dropped my son off at this friends house, they went in the front door. My husband went around the block and sat for a couple of minutes to see what they were going to do. My son came out of his friends house in the clothing he was wearing underneath his dress clothes. He had no intention on going to the friends place of work. He just wants to **** off all day and live here scott free and to do what he wants to do. 

After my husband got home he told me what happened. I sent my son a text message and told him that tomorrow he can come and get his stuff and find somewhere else to be. He isn't looking for work and we can't do it anymore. I have a 4 year old and a baby on the way to think about, he is 19, an adult.. He needs to be responsible for himself! We can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.


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## that_girl

Kick him out.

Done.


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## that_girl

Ok. I read your update. My brother had pee bottles. Turns out he was a druggy. Not saying this man is, but...yea.

Also, this man is 19. A man. Why concern yourself with anything he does? Kick him out. He'll sink or swim. It's on him.


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## ladybird

that_girl said:


> Ok. I read your update. My brother had pee bottles. Turns out he was a druggy. Not saying this man is, but...yea.
> 
> Also, this man is 19. A man. Why concern yourself with anything he does? Kick him out. He'll sink or swim. It's on him.


 I told him that he can come get his stuff tomorrow when my husband is home.


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## that_girl

Awesome. Don't back down from that. Put it in bags tonight.

Seriously. Life isn't a free ride.


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## unbelievable

I know a magical place where 19 year old young men can go to learn discipline, obtain vocational training, get money for college, travel to exotic lands, and meet interesting people! He needs direction and the nearest Army recruiter can give him the grid coordinates and shoot him an azimuth. Spiffy, color-coordinated outfits, wholesome meals, and his very own drill sergeant to guide him out of bed in the morning. What more could a young man want?


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## turnera

Halleleuiah! I'm really proud of you! And believe it or not, you are HELPING HIM by doing this.


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## JustHer

ladybird, I just read through your post. I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. Stick to your word. I have been in the same position and believe me, you are doing him a favor. He needs to get out there on his own. Mine was literally living on the streets when he called and wanted to come back. I let him but only if he followed the rules and got a job. He finally did.


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## unbelievable

The greatest gift my parents ever gave me was to permit me to stand on my own feet. The 2nd was to teach me that work and hardship were expected facts of life.


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## txfreespirit

When I was a kid I always had to do my own laundry and my room had to be spotless at all times. Also I had to have a job by the time I turned 16 in addition to keeping my grades up in school. My mom taught me all about the value of a dollar, credit and saving. I moved out on my own the day I turned 18. I fully supported myself until I got married 5 years ago (I'm 32 now). I even put myself through college. It's disturbing to talk to my friends because not a single one of them had any responsibilities growing up and each one still lives at home. They literally have no idea how to take care of themselves. While my mom was abusive I am very happy that she at least held me accountable for my actions. Don't feel bad for kicking him out, he has to become an adult sometime.


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## ladybird

unbelievable said:


> I know a magical place where 19 year old young men can go to learn discipline, obtain vocational training, get money for college, travel to exotic lands, and meet interesting people! He needs direction and the nearest Army recruiter can give him the grid coordinates and shoot him an azimuth. Spiffy, color-coordinated outfits, wholesome meals, and his very own drill sergeant to guide him out of bed in the morning. What more could a young man want?


 Nope the army air force won't take him since he doesn't have a diploma or GED, they don't do waivers anymore! His cousin tried to get him in with him and they said not without a GED or Diploma


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## that_girl

Is he out? He should be out by now. If he isn't, he knows you're not serious and this BS continues.

19 and no GED or diploma and mooching off mom and dad and living at home?

Psh. Kick him out.


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## ladybird

I kicked him out! He came and got his stuff all of which I packed on friday!!.. I did give the the option of he can live here, but he needs to get a job in 30 days, and help out with chores. He decided he didn't want to do any of it so he said No he would leave. All because he wasn't willing to follow the rules. 

I don't know him very well and I was hoping that we could get to know each other more, but it didn't turn out that way.. He is one of those kids who is manipulative and always gets what he wants, no matter what. One of his girlfriends whom i really liked is on SSI (I am not sure why) She is a year older then him and she is always giving him money and all of these others girls give him money. 

I really hate to say it but he is a lot his sperm donor (which is odd because he hasn't seen him since he was a year and a half old!) He doesn't want to take any responsibility, like get a job and be an adult. He wants to run and play and eventually he will burn every bridge he comes across. 

Then he tries to pull a guilt trip on me!! I have a 4 year old and a baby on the way and i can't afford to support someone who is capable of supporting himself. I am not even working right now.. I am a stay at home mom.. If he would have been actively looking for a job that would have been different, but he wasn't


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## that_girl

Oh good! Good for you.

Google "Drama triangle" and get yourself out of the cycle 

Glad he is out. Let him be someone else's problem.


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## EleGirl

It's hard but you did the right thing. 

He will have to do something now to support himself. His friends will grow tired of him mooching off them.


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## turnera

We all learn, eventually. Some take longer than others. He probably will. But you're helping him, believe it or not. And you have to take care of this family.

If he does come back, make him sign a Contract first before he can come back.


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