# Sexless Relationship, but both of us want sex



## Janelle_ (Mar 25, 2012)

I've read though a lot of posts on here and feel slightly better that I'm not the only one with a problem, however my situation is a bit unique. I'm hoping to get some good advice from other men who can maybe help me understand what hes trying to tell me. I know that at times I do not understand what hes saying because I'm so emotionally invested that my mind twists the meaning, so I thought it was worth a shot.

As it stands, he and I have sex about once every couple of months. It has always been this way, ever since the beggining of the relationship five years ago, it started off long distance so it wasn't such a huge issue but the last two years have been live in and nothing has changed, if anything its gotten worse. We have talked about the problem many, many times and to be honest I'm getting tired of it, I just don't know how many more times we can just keep talking about the same things. He says he wants a better sex life, complains that he wants a hot sex life and so do I. You'd think that would make it easy but every time I try to initiate at all, even just touch his thiegh, he tells me to relax, that I'm being too agressive and that he doesn't want the deer hunting him. Its a total turn off for him. That being said, I don't feel like he chases me at all, I think at this point he sees it as a chore and doesn't want the hastle. Usually what happens is after 3 weeks or so of nothing but cuddling I'll reach out to him and get totally shot down because everything I try is wrong, wich of course causes emotional hurt and so on and so forth. Today when we woke up he says he wants to go with me to find an escourt service or someone else he can pay to teach me how to be sexy, have me take classes and such. I feel like I'm doing everything he asks me to do, but if I just let it go and do nothing, not even mention it for weeks at a time he just doesn't take the initiative.

Funilly enough, other than the intimacy, we have a perfect relationship, he treats me like a queen and I spoil him rotten. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than hes ever loved anyone and that he'll love me no matter what, that he just wants to fix the problem because right now apparently the only one who would sleep with me is some over sexed teen who would just be grateful to get laid. We are very good together, we cuddle and love on eachother all the time, more than any couple I've seen. I'm sure part of the problem is that I've been with him since I was 17 and have never been with anyone else, and since we never had a real sex life I guess you could call me pretty inexperienced still, so by now I'm just completely lost. With him being 12 years older he wants someone with more finess but I feel thats unfair as I've never had the chance to learn but apparently I don't get the chance to learn until I know how to do it. 

I'm hoping someone outside the situation might have some insight.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are being played and he's lying to you. HE's the one with the problem and he really doesn't want a great sex life. He's blameshifting to avoid taking responsibility or ownership of what's obviously HIS problem.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your SO seems to be the one with the problem.
He`s deflecting it onto you which is known as "crazy-making" because it messes with your head to the point you actually start to believe he`s right.

"Doesn`t want the deer hunting him"?
WTF is that?
That`s code for I`m just not into you sexually.

You need to define and defend some boundaries for the sexual aspect of your relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One more thing ever heard the expression actions speak louder than words? It applies BIG TIME in your situation. Don't look to what he says look to what he DOES.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Janelle,
He is absolutely lying through his teeth. 

Male sexual desire (we are different than women in this way) 101: For a MAN, desire for sex is similar to desire for food. It steadily "grows" when we are with someone we DESIRE. 

There is zero chance a healthy male would go 3 weeks without initiating if he was with someone he was attracted to. 

I am not saying you aren't attractive. Not saying that at all. Just saying HE isn't attracted to you, and maybe he isn't attracted to women. 




Janelle_ said:


> I've read though a lot of posts on here and feel slightly better that I'm not the only one with a problem, however my situation is a bit unique. I'm hoping to get some good advice from other men who can maybe help me understand what hes trying to tell me. I know that at times I do not understand what hes saying because I'm so emotionally invested that my mind twists the meaning, so I thought it was worth a shot.
> 
> As it stands, he and I have sex about once every couple of months. It has always been this way, ever since the beggining of the relationship five years ago, it started off long distance so it wasn't such a huge issue but the last two years have been live in and nothing has changed, if anything its gotten worse. We have talked about the problem many, many times and to be honest I'm getting tired of it, I just don't know how many more times we can just keep talking about the same things. He says he wants a better sex life, complains that he wants a hot sex life and so do I. You'd think that would make it easy but every time I try to initiate at all, even just touch his thiegh, he tells me to relax, that I'm being too agressive and that he doesn't want the deer hunting him. Its a total turn off for him. That being said, I don't feel like he chases me at all, I think at this point he sees it as a chore and doesn't want the hastle. Usually what happens is after 3 weeks or so of nothing but cuddling I'll reach out to him and get totally shot down because everything I try is wrong, wich of course causes emotional hurt and so on and so forth. Today when we woke up he says he wants to go with me to find an escourt service or someone else he can pay to teach me how to be sexy, have me take classes and such. I feel like I'm doing everything he asks me to do, but if I just let it go and do nothing, not even mention it for weeks at a time he just doesn't take the initiative.
> 
> ...


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

He should be the one showing you what he wants. He needs to be taught how to be sexy. His put downs are emotional abuse. Sex therapy and MC might be helpful to the two of you. The idea of an escort teaching you what to do sounds kind of deviant to me, like he wants to wrangle you into some fantasy scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janelle_ (Mar 25, 2012)

I understand at this point that hes not into me sexually, I've accepted that. Hell, hes told me that himself, he says my attitude is wrong and the way I go about things is all wrong. The fact that he wants me to go take sexy classes pretty much spells that out. I honestly believe he wants a good sex life with me, that he loves me but that I just don't do it for him. Like I said, he says its an attitude thing, not the way I look. I'm seriously considering the classes


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## Janelle_ (Mar 25, 2012)

and Mem, I know hes not gay, trust me. He acts as sexually frustrated about the whole situation as I am, disapointed in me I think. Most of the time he initiates the conversation. He WANTS this situation to get better. He says I just don't know how to play coy or any of that that would make him want to chase me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What exactly is his complaint concerning your alleged lack of sexiness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

What a prick! Jeeze! You were the one making all the effort. he is the one with a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

J -

This isn't about classes. This is a bigger problem. Ever seen a house that has a little sag in the corner? The corner sag is the visible evidence of a much larger problem.

It is impossible for this group to really help you. Many of the conclusions posted are silly. There is a problem and both you and your husband have acknowledged it. 

Now, how to fix it? Your husband is trying to get you to own the problem - but it isn't all yours. Your problem is your willingness to accept the blame. Since you can't change your husband, how about focusing on yourself. I would consider individual counseling. I am pretty confident you will have plenty to work on.

Once you start working on yourself, your husband will have to make some decisions about how hard he is willing to look at his side of this issue.

This process will likely stink at times, but you will be grateful and a lot happier once you get thru it.


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## Janelle_ (Mar 25, 2012)

please don't bash, I'm not that naive and I know hes trying to, there are two sides to every coin and I'm sure if he were writing this you'd see everything from his point of view and be telling him I didn't want to change and I'm a cold fish and to move on and so forth. And Tacoma, he says that I don't know how to play coy at all, that my eyes are always desperate or like a dear in headlights. In some ways hes probobly right, sex is almost scary to me not because of the sex but because I'm tired of not having it and I don't want to step wrong and blow it, hes probobly picking up on that


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## Janelle_ (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm looking into therapy now Former, we just live in the middle of no where and theres not much avaliable. Here, everyone knows everyone and everything and I'm just not comfortable getting that deep with someone who has been going to my family's bbq's since I was in diapers.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Janelle_ said:


> I'm looking into therapy now Former, we just live in the middle of no where and theres not much avaliable. Here, everyone knows everyone and everything and I'm just not comfortable getting that deep with someone who has been going to my family's bbq's since I was in diapers.


Disregard the bashing. You sound like you are willing to take responsibility and are trying to be reasonable.

How far is the nearest big city? I would find a therapist and go there. Once you establish a relationship, many therapists will do phone sessions with in-persons as necessary.

Good luck!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

My marriage is the same in that it is sexless and we both like sex. One wants sex with the spouse and the other doesn't, preferring to have sex with people outside the marriage instead. In my experience if you want to stay together in this situation both people have to reign in their desires and learn to live without sex.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, it seems to me that the both of you have some issues here.

Instead of going to some kind of classes to learn how to be sexier (?) and instead of looking for a therapist just for you, why don't you look at investing in a sex therapist that could work with the both of you?

It seems to me that he may have some kind of hang-up...I mean a man who really wants to have sex strongly is usually willing to work with his partner who may have a lot less experience...especially when that partner is a very willing one.

Intimacy and sexiness aren't something that 'just happens' ... it's something that is built up over time with continued intimacy between the two of you.

And on your side... well... I take that back - maybe you do need to see an IC for a bit. It sounds like you started out really young with this man, and may not have a strong foundation in yourself ... a strong foundation of self-esteem and self-respect. Because, if you did... you wouldn't stand for him commenting that you aren't good enough. You'd be able to sling back at him "Maybe it's because of the company that I keep." 

Best wishes.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Janelle, I kind of implied this in another thread, but if he thinks you're having problems presenting what is sexy to him, have you asked HIM to teach you those classes he's mentioned? What is his definition of sexy? Is it something as simple as a behavior hed like you to modify? Or Maybe you can go to a nearby city where you don't know anybody and visit some stores and "clubs" to see some examples. Hell, maybe he just gets a Pinterest account and shares pictures from which you can get inspiration. But ALWAYS be ready to draw the line at what you're comfortable with.

Beyond that, I agree with NiceGuy. This problem belongs to both of you. You'll need to work together (possibly with a counselor) in order to work through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sexy classes from an escort? 

There isn't a man on this earth who needs his woman to take "sexy classes" from a prostitute. What kind of request is that? It sounds like a man who has trouble with sex, and is blaming you for it. _Enthusiasm _for sex is usually the only thing men need from a woman for her to be sexy - everything else can be learned _together _as you explore each other. He's never bothered to do that with you.

I'm sorry you are married to a turd. I wish I had any kind of real advice for you, but I don't, other than to say you would be far better off without this man as your husband. His abuse, and it is emotional abuse, has destroyed your self-confidence and made you believe that you are not a sexy woman.

Frankly, if someone is offering "sexy classes" of some kind somewhere, go ahead and take them - they might help you realize exactly how awesomely sexy you _*already *_are, and that might help you realize that your husband is the one who is bringing _you _down instead of appreciating you and lifting you up.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am so glad that you came here for advice. You need to hear from other people that your husband is emotionally abusing you. Ask yourself why you stay with such a man. Please think about why your self-esteem is so low, and how you can start to respect yourself. There are men out there who will treat you well; do not settle for crumbs from this man.


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