# Wife expects too much.. What to do??



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Long story short.. I found an amazing job working from home and have been doing this for over a year, but now I dread 4pm every day. This is the time my wife walks in the door and starts looking for things to be pissed about. One of our kids has a messy room? They’re getting yelled at, immediately followed by ME being yelled at. Pillows on the couch aren’t perfect? Dishes in the sink? Bed didn’t get made? She starts mouthing off, cleans the mess, and storms around the house being angry. It’s worse during the summer because she goes back to work in early August (education field), and the kiddos still have a few weeks where they’re home w/ me all day. The problem is.. I’m WORKING most of the day. Phone calls, webinars, emails, spreadsheets… I don’t get much time to clean house AND make sure the kids are keeping it spotless.

It’s crazy to me because most days the house actually IS clean. I mop, sweep, fold laundry, do dishes, wipe counters, pick up clutter.. You name it. However, every once in a while, I do get very busy w/ work and the house is neglected. It’s these days when I go into panic mode about 10 minutes before she gets home, thinking “OMG, she’s going to flip out and be so mad at me/us because XYZ didn’t get cleaned”… Yesterday for example, the kids were both cleaning their rooms when she got home. I heard the garage open and yelled across the house for the kids to make sure their chores were done, since I didn’t want anyone getting grounded that day. She walked in and immediately went to check their rooms… and when she realized they were working on it, she started grilling me, asking WHY their rooms weren’t cleaned earlier, and why didn’t I check throughout the day to make sure they remained clean?? Ummmm because I was BUSY?!?!?!

I’m lost here and don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her but she thinks I’m making excuses. Of course, this is the same woman who expects me to drop everything (including logging off early) anytime she wants to go to dinner, run errands, or have me take the kids to their after-school activities (karate, dance, etc). My stance is this: She needs to act like I don’t work from home, PERIOD. If I had a normal 8-5 job away from the house, she would not expect a clean home, she would not expect me to have a flexible schedule, etc. I just don’t know how to get my point across without screaming at her, and that never works because then I’m accused of being mean, verbally abusive, insensitive, or whatever.

Has anyone else dealt w/ a spouse who has the same type of unrealistic expectations? How do you overcome this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Reading between the lines... Does the family walk around on eggshells on a regular basis to avoid the wrath of Momzilla? Or is this the only thing?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Reading between the lines... Does the family walk around on eggshells on a regular basis to avoid the wrath of Momzilla? Or is this the only thing?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well.. No that's not the only thing, but I didn't feel like typing an essay. Yes, we do walk on eggshells quite a bit. She yells a lot, and nobody likes being yelled at, so we do whatever we can to maintain peace. It's not like she really has anything to be mad about either.. We have a relatively easy life, we don't struggle financially, everyone is healthy, we spend lots of time together as a family... But for some reason she likes to create stress when our day-to-day living situation shouldn't be stressful at all. I don't understand how someone can get so angry over such trivial things.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

arc31181 said:


> Long story short.. I found an amazing job working from home and have been doing this for over a year, but now I dread 4pm every day. This is the time my wife walks in the door and starts looking for things to be pissed about. One of our kids has a messy room? They’re getting yelled at, immediately followed by ME being yelled at. Pillows on the couch aren’t perfect? Dishes in the sink? Bed didn’t get made? She starts mouthing off, cleans the mess, and storms around the house being angry. It’s worse during the summer because she goes back to work in early August (education field), and the kiddos still have a few weeks where they’re home w/ me all day. The problem is.. I’m WORKING most of the day. Phone calls, webinars, emails, spreadsheets… I don’t get much time to clean house AND make sure the kids are keeping it spotless.
> 
> It’s crazy to me because most days the house actually IS clean. I mop, sweep, fold laundry, do dishes, wipe counters, pick up clutter.. You name it. However, every once in a while, I do get very busy w/ work and the house is neglected. It’s these days when I go into panic mode about 10 minutes before she gets home, thinking “OMG, she’s going to flip out and be so mad at me/us because XYZ didn’t get cleaned”… Yesterday for example, the kids were both cleaning their rooms when she got home. I heard the garage open and yelled across the house for the kids to make sure their chores were done, since I didn’t want anyone getting grounded that day. She walked in and immediately went to check their rooms… and when she realized they were working on it, she started grilling me, asking WHY their rooms weren’t cleaned earlier, and why didn’t I check throughout the day to make sure they remained clean?? Ummmm because I was BUSY?!?!?!
> 
> ...


Sounds like a carbon copy of some of the things I went through with my EX-wife...notice the EX part...


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Let me give you some advice - read "no more mr. nice guy" and follow it.

Go see counseling, and get unbiased perspectives to help you and your wife get through this.

If you do not nip this in the bud now, and I mean both of you (her behavior and your enabling behavior) this marriage is doomed to fail. 

Be a man, honor your responsibilities, but also stand up to her and let her know if she's crossed the line. Do not be afraid to lose the marriage, make it clear to her on that. She will either back down or be much more cautious.

Most important is that you both should actively be working as a team, not against each other. That should be fixed at the root.

I have dumped many hot and desirable girlfriends because they started acting way too entitled and spoiled, and I walked out while they started crying and begging me to stay after they realized I was serious.

Be nice, but firm in your interactions. Show love, but also your resolve. It won't be easy to change this over night, but you have to change yourself for this to get better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

arc31181 said:


> Well.. No that's not the only thing, but I didn't feel like typing an essay. Yes, we do walk on eggshells quite a bit. She yells a lot, and nobody likes being yelled at, so we do whatever we can to maintain peace. It's not like she really has anything to be mad about either.. We have a relatively easy life, we don't struggle financially, everyone is healthy, we spend lots of time together as a family... But for some reason she likes to create stress when our day-to-day living situation shouldn't be stressful at all. I don't understand how someone can get so angry over such trivial things.


I think now you're getting to the meat of the problem...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You need to stand up to her for the sake of your children.

Her demands can be reasonable or unreasonable. You have to confront any unreasonable demands.

Her tone of voice in articulating those demands can be reasonable or unreasonable. You have to confront any unreasonable ways in which you or the kids are treated.

What you have taught your kids so far is that they should cow-tow to demanding unreasonable people. Not a good life lesson.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds like she has lost respect for you. Did you give the impression you only worked a 1/2 day and would clean the rest or something like that?

Maybe try this. At 4 when she comes homes instead of arguing suggest you each take 30 minutes and clean up the house from the day. Don't see how she can be upset about that .


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

So even a resaonble demand delivered in and unreasonable way needs to confronted by you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hicks said:


> So even a resaonble demand delivered in and unreasonable way needs to confronted by you.


+1 on this. You can also look into the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and see if there's a fit with your wife. As well as the already suggested "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to see if there's a fit for you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

these are sh!t tests and you are failing. MMSLP may help too. She needs to be shot down firmly, when she is being unreasonable. Hard to learn how to do it, but you have to do it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your wife has very little respect for you. She treats you like a child and is bullying you.

IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO STAND UP TO HER AND TELL HER HOW IT IS.

I would NOT last 1 day in a marriage like that/with a woman like that.

No way in hell.

OP, grow some balls and tell your wife to STFU and listen. YOu are WORKING and have no time to do ANYTHING ELSE during that time. It's settled, there is 0 expectation from YOU on house stuff until you are done. Tell her to get any expectation out of her mind completely, it's not going to happen. If she doesn't agree, prepare a list of things to do and tell her that this HAS TO be done PRIOR to her arrival from work. See how she responds to that!!! Follow up on it too, next day she gets home give her similar hissy fit she has been giving you for next few weeks. 

NOTHING better than giving a person little taste of their own ****.

Clearly she assumes you do nothing and your job is "no work". It's no different than a ****ty husband coming back from work and ripping stay at home mom apart even though she has went thru HELL entire day and did 10x the work that her husband did....and some.

Tell her to stop yelling at you like you are a child. Matter a fact, I would tell her to not say a WORD to me unless she can do so in an adult manner...with respect.

She has NONE

When a wife/husband walk int he door from work, first thing that should happen is a kiss/hug and "how was your day", not a tantrum you expect from a 2 year old child. If my wife was to do this, I would literally tell her to GTFO of the house and come back when she is back to planet earth.

Blows my mind that you not only allowed this to exist in your house, but the fact that you let it flourish.

You messed up....fix it.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Amen DoF!!! If people would stand up for themselves and get a little uncomfortable for the betterment of the marriage, a lot of marriages would be so much healthier and vibrant today!!

No spouse wants a partner who's a walking carpet he/she can crap on anytime. They all want someone they can respect and who will challenge them occasionally.

The moment you lose your partner's respect is the moment the relationship starts to fail.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

This is simple. When she starts yelling tell her "go fück yourself"

She treats you poorly because you let her. If my wife was pissed about a messy house and started yelling at me like that, she'd come home to a bigger mess. Then when she yelled I'd be like "isn't it fücking awesome!! It took me hours to make this mess!"

She's pushing you around because she can.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

While I agree that standing up to her is a good thing, I don't necessarily agree with some of the things mentioned. How would you advise your kids to respond to a disagreement they have with a sibling? By swearing and yelling? I don't think I'd want that in my household...

There are ways to get your point across without resorting to her tactics. Perhaps the OP and his wife could look into counseling if they need some suggestions. 

Btw... The fact that the kids are also on the receiving end makes me think these are more than just "fitness tests"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

First...check Yahoo! or Yelp for a local tattoo removal clinic. Make an appointment to have the "DOORMAT" lettering removed from your forehead.

Second, seriously; if being a work at home dude is being interpreted as a stay at home dad, then disabuse the b!tch. If the roles were reversed, how much crappola would you be getting from the ladies for acting like a jerk because your poor wife was busy all day working hard with the kids which as everyone knows is just exhausting. What are your incomes? How do they match? 

Do it for your kiddos. Are you allowing them to see and role model the right behavior? 

Feed the monster and it will thrive until it eats you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Boy she has a temper. She needs to stop taking it out on you. My husband works from home and the rule is when he on the clock we do not disturb him unless its an emergency. I try to act like he is not home and take care of problems on my own. It should be the childrens responsibility to clean their rooms and do their chores not yours, you are at work.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you start going into the office, or work at client sites? One way or another, you need to take away her belief that you are the live-in housekeeper/nanny and that your time belongs to her instead of your employer. 

And then she needs to go to anger management classes and you both need marriage counseling. This marriage won't survive without it, and your kids will be damaged by a parent who can't control her anger and her words.

Flying into rages at you and the kids is not a normal way to behave. When she starts going off on you, walk away. Tell her you wont' allow her to rage at you - or the kids - and that you won't be listening until she can be civil. Tell her that you have no desire to be her punching bag, and neither do the kids. Take the kids out of house if she won't calm down.

It's emotional abuse, and neither you nor the kids need to accept it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> How did you and your wife handle the housekeeping before you started working from home?
> 
> When you took on the job, did you discuss cleaning the house while she was at work?
> 
> I'm just trying to understand why she would be so upset about a situation that was probably like this BEFORE you started working from home.


With my job, while I didn't have the opportunity to work from home every day, I was able to do so occasionally. On those days, from the very first time, my ex-wife who was a stay at home mom, would frequently ask me to help with this, or go do that really quick, watch the kids so she could get this done. 

There was absolutely no respect for the fact that I was WORKING, and that my job was what was keeping a roof over our heads. When I tried to tell her I was at work, and actually had to well, WORK, she would get very angry, how I had no respect for her, how I never did anything to help out, how she always has to do everything. After trying that for a while, I just stopped working from home so I didn't have to put up with her sh1t...

Sound at all familiar OP?


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I have been your wife in my marriage. I had no respect for him for a number of reasons and it came through in my constant attitude and demands. It took counseling to realize this. My marriage is over and now I am in a new relationship and I have learned not to treat someone that way again. Get MC and get her to change her attitude before its too late.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PAgirl said:


> I have been your wife in my marriage. I had no respect for him for a number of reasons and it came through in my constant attitude and demands. It took counseling to realize this. My marriage is over and now I am in a new relationship and I have learned not to treat someone that way again. Get MC and get her to change her attitude before its too late.


Good for you.....some never change.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Emotional Terrorism, man.

You won't win this battle alone.

Oh, and I second the go into the office thing. Even rent an office outside the home to get you out of there during the day.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

PAgirl said:


> I have been your wife in my marriage. I had no respect for him for a number of reasons and it came through in my constant attitude and demands. It took counseling to realize this. My marriage is over and now I am in a new relationship and I have learned not to treat someone that way again. Get MC and get her to change her attitude before its too late.


PA - why do you think you were that way in your marriage? What did you learn in IC that changed your attitude? Most people would just think it's common sense to not be nasty. Did you carry emotional baggage into your marriage?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> PA - why do you think you were that way in your marriage? What did you learn in IC that changed your attitude? Most people would just think it's common sense to not be nasty. Did you carry emotional baggage into your marriage?


Many times, and this makes it very difficult to deal with, is that the person who is being nasty, does not think that they are. This type of behavior often accompanies other issues like Narcissistic tendencies, victim and martyr complexes. Sadly, many times, even when they become aware of how nasty and disgusting their behavior and treatment of other people is, they don't care to change.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Many times, and this makes it very difficult to deal with, is that the person who is being nasty, does not think that they are. This type of behavior often accompanies other issues like Narcissistic tendencies, victim and martyr complexes. Sadly, many times, even when they become aware of how nasty and disgusting their behavior and treatment of other people is, they don't care to change.


Well, yeah, mine uses the excuse of being a perfectionist (Catholic guilt approach), or being under too much pressure at work (the victim approach), or being harder on herself than on everyone else (the martyr approach). All excuses to avoid responsibility for lousy behavior. Of course if the tables were turned she would certainly see the injustice in that. 

I told her that you can't martyr yourself, that Catholic guilt was stupid, and that I face more stress at work than she does. She didn't disagree but she didn't appreciate that I was ignoring her excuses. It felt good to say that. 

I was curious how PA was able to modify her behavior. With some people the habits are so ingrained that they can't change.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

There have been lots of great remarks here, and from people with experience and insight.

You just have to stand up to her, and deliver a message. Make an appointment with a counselor, and ask her sincerely to go with you. Tell her that the abuse is ruining your life, and your marriage, so you are going to get help, with or without her.

Sincerity and resolve may open her eyes. Do something, take a step. If she refuses counseling, go alone. Don't apologize about the housework. Do your chores when she is home. You have a job, when she's gone, you work.


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## orangebirds (Aug 20, 2014)

Sit down and make a list. Tell her "I will do chores A, B, C if you do chores X, Y, Z, and we will have them done by such n such a time every day."


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I'm not sure if your wife is some perfectionist, unreasonable " momzilla " or not. I expect it is somewhere in between. I can say that no woman wants to work all day to come home to a disaster/mess and much more work to do. Nor would a man. You have work to do as well . I'm Sure you can compromise here so that nobody feels all that overwhelmed and coming home / being home can be a source of comfort and security that it should be. Not a place you avoid or dread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

got a song for you OP:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxtd5Hj0yxo


if i were you, i would flat out refuse to do ANY chores around the house during your business hours unless they are done are solely because you feel like it. its not like you get appreciation for it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

arc31181 said:


> Yes, we do walk on eggshells quite a bit. She yells a lot, and nobody likes being yelled at, so we do whatever we can to maintain peace. I don't understand how someone can get so angry over such trivial things.


 Well then when she starts yelling, tell her to shut up unless she can speak in a civil tone of voice. 

The problem is you let her get away with it and unless you open your mouth and let her know that you will not be spoken to like that any longer, it going to continue.

She starts shooting her mouth off, then tell her not to come home until she can act civilized and say it in a way that you want her to understand that your not taking it any longer.

If she gets pissed, then let her but when she does, then you let he know to take her anger someplace else.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, I was exactly where you were about a year ago. It had progressed over several years by me trying to appease her. I turned the tide, and it was not easy, but it was worth it. After all, can you ever put a value on your self respect?

Next time she rages, tell the kids to drop what they are doing and go outside with them to play some ball, ride bikes, etc. When she questions or addresses you in a disrespectful manner, tell her (in a calm manner) the conversation is over until she can talk to you in a respectful tone. Then walk away or go back to playing with your kids. Then when she reengages with respect, address her concerns. Nothing... NOTHING happens when she addresses it disrespectfully, or you are further enabling. 

Some will advocate disrespect with disrespect. That did not work with my wife. I just calmly blew her off and left her nobody to emotionally vomit on but herself until she could address me with respect. 

This will not fix things overnight, but you taking it and doing what she tells you when she is disrespectful is only enabling and encouraging more of that behavior.

You also need to read No More Mister Nice Guy. It will give you some amazing insight. 

You have the power to fix it. Grab your balls and do it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

U.E. McGill said:


> This is simple. When she starts yelling tell her "go fück yourself"
> 
> She treats you poorly because you let her. If my wife was pissed about a messy house and started yelling at me like that, she'd come home to a bigger mess. Then when she yelled I'd be like "isn't it fücking awesome!! It took me hours to make this mess!"
> 
> She's pushing you around because she can.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I lol'd when I read this, hehehehe!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

arc31181,

What % of your joint income are you earning at this new job?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also add to your long reading list "Co-Dependent No More."

She's emotionally & verbally abusive to you & your children.

My exH was like that. Notice I ALSO said ex. 

Forget trying to keep the peace. There is no peace in your household.

You need to stand up to her in front of the children in a calm manner. Do not jump when she demands it. Also book a marriage counseling session. Invite her to come & if she refuses, go alone (I did) so she can understand that you are serious about her negative behavior.

Trust me when I say, if you do not get this situation under control now before your children are pre-teens/teens, you will have problems that you can't even imagine now.

It is your job to protect your children from this kind of abuse. I did the best I could (which wasn't good enough) & my adult children still suffer from having to walk on eggshells around Dad.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> OP, I was exactly where you were about a year ago. It had progressed over several years by me trying to appease her. I turned the tide, and it was not easy, but it was worth it. After all, can you ever put a value on your self respect?
> 
> Next time she rages, tell the kids to drop what they are doing and go outside with them to play some ball, ride bikes, etc. When she questions or addresses you in a disrespectful manner, tell her (in a calm manner) the conversation is over until she can talk to you in a respectful tone. Then walk away or go back to playing with your kids. Then when she reengages with respect, address her concerns. Nothing... NOTHING happens when she addresses it disrespectfully, or you are further enabling.
> 
> ...



Go read FARS thread. While my approach is a little more brutal far really got fixed getting respect he deserved.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

How is your sex life, OP? Does she show desire/is she attracted to you? Do you desire her?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't act as if she is right to yell even if the house is a mess. Deal with the real problem. You don't disrespect her so she needs to stop doing it to you. Allowing a person to mistreat you implies that they are in some way superior or more valuable in the relationship. She is not. If you walk out, she will not easily find a man who will put up with her sh1t. She is not likely to find a loving man like you. You will have a much easier time since you avoid yelling and berating. 

I'm not suggesting you tell her that or leave but remember you have as much leverage as she does. You are not acting as if you do. You need to tell her to stop yelling at the children out of earshot of them. Then you need to tell her if she yells at you she will get no response. When she is civil you will talk to her. You allow her to treat you like a employee not an equal partner. How did this happen. Don't tiptoe. Go to the gym two nights a week and meet with friends twice a month. She is too sure of you. By your actions, you let her know that you stay out of choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I agree that your wifes expectations are unreasonable. Kids don't need rooms to be that clean. Why is she being the clean house police? Why would she want to cause stress and unhappiness for everybody, if everything is mostly ok? Is she very obsessive about her house and appearances?

I guess I cant understand this because I just love to see my kids when I get home from work. If they haven't done their chores I just confiscate the ipods till they do and no yelling is required and they hop to it.

Tell her that the next time she raises her voice to you, you will get the kids and leave the house for an hour. Let her know by no means will you accept that kind of verbal abuse in your household. Your family is not a punching bag where she can vent her frustrations on the people that love her. If she cant take a reasonable tone no one will deal with her at all. 

your kids need to know that they deserve better and so do you. It time that she figured out what she values about you and the kids and not just picking on the faults.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Assuming you both work full days, you should not feel obligated to do any more house work and chores during the day than she does (i.e., none). 

Although you probably have a bit of extra time because you do not commute, you also have child care at least part of the time and, based on my experience working at home, you inevitably do at least a few small chores during the day when you need to clear your head from work (even if your not planning on it). Your wife also takes breaks from work but she likely wanders down to the break room, or walks to Starbucks, or chats with a co-worker, which is a lot less productive than what you're doing during your down time.

I don't know your wife, but my gut feeling is that a mellow approach will not work with her. It might even make things worse if she interprets it as passive-aggressive behavior. My suggestion is to bring it to a head, but be calm and reasonable when she explodes. 

For example, when she complains about a mess you should turn it around and ask her why _she _did not deal with it today. Let her have her tantrum in response to this. When she's done with her rant, calmly remind her that the whole time she was working, _you were working too_. 

Suggest that both of you continue to work during the day (you cut back on the chores so you can focus on work), and then split up the chores in the evening.

If it's really important that some things get done during the day (maybe it is), then point out this will impact your work. That means you can do some chores during the day, but she will need to do the rest by herself in the evening so you can finish your work day.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I telework too. It is real tempting for the non-teleworking spouse to be jealous and not see that you are, in fact, at work.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I wonder if this resonates with SAHM's, too--the notion that, since they are in the home, their job must be "easier," or that they "don't get as much done." There is this assumption that they could always do more. 

Anyway . . . my husband works at home and I'm a SAHM to three kids 13 and under. It is VERY tempting to bounce into his office daily to interrupt him for help with something, or to see if he can manage the kids so I can run an errand, etc. He is often very accommodating. Depending on how his work is going, he'll take an hour off to mow or do a chore that he wants done. This is one of the benefits of working at home . . . but it also sends mixed messages about his availability to me. 

OP, I would suggest that you very firmly set boundaries about what you will and will not accomplish on a daily basis. For example, if you are willing to do the breakfast dishes and vacuum one room each day, then be explicit about those tasks so that your wife knows EXACTLY what she can expect. If you want to focus only on your job during the day, then let her know that all chores will wait until the evening or weekends and that you'll split them with her. Find something you can commit to and don't deviate from it. 

I also wanted to ask if she does any errands or non-job realated tasks for the family during her work hours. Pick up dry cleaning? Stop at the store for incidentals on the way home? Arrange doctors appointments or pay bills? If so, you might want to keep that in mind when you are deciding what you are willing to do each day. 

Having my husband work from home has been a HUGE adjustment for our family. There are a lot of great things about it, but I'm not sure we were prepared for all the struggles, either. I've often wondered if there were support groups out there for people who work from home . . . and their spouses. I think these sorts of problems are probably common.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

You need to assert control over your relationship instead of doing whatever she says,talk to her about how things are going to be changing in your relationship and she will be respecting you from now on.When you do this make sure to not be angry or putting blame on her.

You are allowing her to dictate everything you need to change not her.I bet she doesn't even like being in charge by how stressed out she is by it.Stop putting blame on her and take over but do it through calmness not resentment.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't act as if she is right to yell even if the house is a mess. Deal with the real problem. You don't did respect her so she needs to stop doing it to you. Allowing a person to mistreat you I plus that they are in some way superior or more valuable in the relationship. She is not. If you walk out, she will not easily find a man who will put up with her sh1t. She is not likely to find a loving man like you. You will have a much easier time since you avoid yelling and berating.
> 
> I'm not suggesting you tell her that or leave just remember you have as much leverage as she does. You are not acting as if you do. You need to tell her to stop yelling at the children out of earshot of them. Then you need to tell her if she yells at you she will get no response. When she is civil you will talk to her. You allow her to treat you like a employee not an equal partner. How did this happen. Don't tiptoe. Go to the gym two nights a week and meet with friends twice a month. She is too sure of you. By your actions, you let her know that you stay out of choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She'll love it too,I bet he gets sex if he does take control.

You can tell she doesn't want to be in charge and is stressed by it,he needs to know by not putting his foot down hes hurting her as much as himself.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't act as if she is right to yell even if the house is a mess. Deal with the real problem. You don't did respect her so she needs to stop doing it to you. Allowing a person to mistreat you I plus that they are in some way superior or more valuable in the relationship. She is not. If you walk out, she will not easily find a man who will put up with her sh1t. She is not likely to find a loving man like you. You will have a much easier time since you avoid yelling and berating.
> 
> I'm not suggesting you tell her that or leave just remember you have as much leverage as she does. You are not acting as if you do. You need to tell her to stop yelling at the children out of earshot of them. Then you need to tell her if she yells at you she will get no response. When she is civil you will talk to her. You allow her to treat you like a employee not an equal partner. How did this happen. Don't tiptoe. Go to the gym two nights a week and meet with friends twice a month. She is too sure of you. By your actions, you let her know that you stay out of choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely agree with this. Even as an employee, I still wouldn't put up with this kind of micro-managing rant style. Time to find your balls (and self-respect) again.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> While I agree that standing up to her is a good thing, I don't necessarily agree with some of the things mentioned. How would you advise your kids to respond to a disagreement they have with a sibling? By swearing and yelling? I don't think I'd want that in my household...
> 
> There are ways to get your point across without resorting to her tactics. Perhaps the OP and his wife could look into counseling if they need some suggestions.
> 
> ...


Excellent post.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I grew up in a household where my father cut his finger off with a circular saw and came into the house screaming for someone to get him a rag. My sister and I were up the other end of the house and all we thought was, "he's yelling about something again, someone closer can get him a rag". He yelled about everything. The difference between a yell over something being left out was the same as a yell about a cut off finger. No one respected the yell. We were all sick of being yelled at.

Now with my own kids I realise I'm having similar problems, only now they are sick of *me* yelling. *I* am sick of me yelling. I've come to the realisation that I'm turning into my father and I hate it. I'm now making a concerted effort to change.

If she can acknowledge her problem, she can fix it, but first she has to understand it. 

Maybe you could record her coming home every afternoon. Not as a way to hurt her or win an argument, but to show her how her behaviour is hurting her family. Interview the kids and record it, ask them how they feel when Mum is coming home, how they feel when she's happy and how they feel when she's angry. 

I don't know if this advice is going to help, but from a parent who grew up with it and now struggles with it, she needs to come to the point of understanding that it's not the people around her that have to change, it's her that needs to change.


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