# Bad experience already with dating



## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

I just started dating as soon as the divorce papers were signed. Wow I had no idea what I was missing out on! Met a guy on a dating site, realized as soon as we met in person he lied about his age and all his pics were from 10 years ago. He's 20 years older than me. No thanks.

Second guy I've been seeing for a few weeks . Really really like him, he's amazing in bed and we have great chemistry. He never invites me over to his house however. This was a red flag of course and I looked him up on Facebook and lo and behold, he's married!!!

Now, I never asked his marital status, and he never asked mine, so I am 50% at fault here. So.. Do I ask him about it and if so do I tell him I already know? Or do I just dump? I really like this guy, this sucks .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Confused11374 said:


> Now, I never asked his marital status, and he never asked mine, so I am 50% at fault here. So.. Do I ask him about it and if so do I tell him I already know? Or do I just dump? I really like this guy, this sucks .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You dump him. Whether or not you tell him why is up to you.

But what happens if you ask him and he says "yeah I'm married." Are you willing to be the other woman to his poor unsuspecting wife? Are you willing to keep sleeping with someone who's going home and sleeping with his wife? How great a BF will he be when holidays roll around and you're all alone at the company Christmas party and on Christmas eve and morning?

Now it's possible he will tell you that he and his wife have an open marriage. If that's true, it begs the question why didn't he have the respect for you to tell you this before sleeping with you?

And if he says that and you think "that's okay, I still want to see him." I would insist on speaking to his wife to verify that's not just one more lie.

Also - you're going through a divorce and that is a very lonely, vulnerable time, and so far the two men you dated turned out to be liars/losers. I suspect there are a lot of those the internet. But there are good people too - don't let your current lonliness/ boredom/ insecurities/ whatever lower your standards.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Confused11374 said:


> I just started dating as soon as the divorce papers were signed. Wow I had no idea what I was missing out on! Met a guy on a dating site, realized as soon as we met in person he lied about his age and all his pics were from 10 years ago. He's 20 years older than me. No thanks.
> 
> Second guy I've been seeing for a few months. Really really like him, he's amazing in bed and we have great chemistry. He never invites me over to his house however. This was a red flag of course and I looked him up on Facebook and lo and behold, he's married!!!
> 
> ...


PS - you are not 50% at fault. *You* did not take marriage vows to his wife. You have learned a valuable lesson - apparently you need to explicitly ask. (and maybe run a background check) and don't sleep with someone so fast... But he is the one who has a committment to his wife so even if he's not explicitly lying to YOU, he's still a lying liar. Probably a very fun, charming, sexy, serial cheating, sociopathic, STD infested lying liar.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Confused11374 said:


> I just started dating as soon as the divorce papers were signed. Wow I had no idea what I was missing out on! Met a guy on a dating site, realized as soon as we met in person he lied about his age and all his pics were from 10 years ago. He's 20 years older than me. No thanks.
> 
> Second guy I've been seeing for a few months. Really really like him, he's amazing in bed and we have great chemistry. He never invites me over to his house however. This was a red flag of course and I looked him up on Facebook and lo and behold, he's married!!!
> 
> ...


You dump him.

If it would make you feel better, tell him the reason you are dumping him, just be prepared for him to tell you lies about his marriage. 

I would tell him wife too.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you should dump him. If he's willing to cheat with you now he would do the same if you were ever together. Have you considered telling his wife


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You are 0% at fault here. It goes without saying that people that are married are not supposed to be in the dating pool. Dump him. And don't be shy about asking marital status in the future. 

On a different note it is healthy to take a break between divorce being final and dating. It's good to take time for yourself.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Confused11374 said:


> Do I ask him about it and if so do I tell him I already know? Or do I just dump? I really like this guy, this sucks .


The guy is married and lied about it, and he still goes home to his wife every night after bonking you, and here you are asking if you should discuss it with him (and possibly stay with him)?

If you have no self respect or self esteem and you want to waste months or years with this guy, or you can stay disconnected emotionally and just enjoy the good sex until you get bored then by all means sit down with him for a heart to heart chat about his minor omission of the truth.

Otherwise walk away without any explanation to him whatsoever and don't look back.

The fact that you even need to ask this question in the first place makes it clear that you may be perfectly ok with sharing this deceptive cheater with his wife. Hey lots of people do it, just don't expect him to marry you or even take you on vacation and your entire "relationship" will be a big well kept secret.

You're not 50% at fault but you do share some of the blame for being taken by this guy for being so naive and trusting of a person you know nothing about.

Scammers aren't 100% at fault either. Their victims are victims because they've allowed it to happen.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> Now, I never asked his marital status, and he never asked mine, so I am 50% at fault here. So.. Do I ask him about it and if so do I tell him I already know? Or do I just dump? I really like this guy, this sucks .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least talk about it. You do not know the context of his marriage. She could be a close friend that he married to help with her immigration status, or they could be divorced but still close friends and appear to be married.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

badsanta said:


> At least talk about it. You do not know the context of his marriage. She could be a close friend that he married to help with her immigration status, or they could be divorced but still close friends and appear to be married.


During the three months of dating, the onus was on him to let her know he was married and to also let her know if there was some extraordinary circumstance.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Most likely he is married and cheating... but.... I wouldn't trust Facebook on that ask him.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

badsanta said:


> At least talk about it. You do not know the context of his marriage. She could be a close friend that he married to help with her immigration status, or they could be divorced but still close friends and appear to be married.


Yeah I'm sure there's tons of good reasons why he failed to mention he's married during 3 months of dating. 

Just ask the poor guy before drawing conclusions rather than thinking he's at fault in some way.

Yes that's sarcasm.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Most likely he is married and cheating... but.... I wouldn't trust Facebook on that ask him.


Why ask? Does she trust him to tell the truth?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

OP, I am kinda confused. A little over 2 months ago you had a thread in which you said you were no longer attracted to your husband of 15 years after you had had an affair. But by the end of March you wanted your husband back, but he no longer wanted to be married to you and he was filing. So since late March, your divorce went through already? You been dating someone for a "few months"? How is that all possible?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
just cost / benefit. Its little effort to ask and there is some chance that he isn't doing anything wrong. I just have very little faith in the accuracy of anything on social media. 

He could be divorced and just forgot to change his FB status. Not likely but possible. 



blueinbr said:


> Why ask? Does she trust him to tell the truth?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Wait a minute.

You've been seeing this guy for a few months, and you just now decided to check his FB page?

Uh huh. 

Sure.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Maybe you're bonking the guys you meet a bit too fast.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

It wasn't the Facebook status that gave it away, it was comments and pictures on his page and his mothers page. For example, his mother thanking him and his wife for the beautiful Mother's Day brunch. 

I feel like such a fool. The only reason I would want to ask him about it is for the slim chance that He is leaving her. 

Sorry for the typo in my first post, I have only been seeing him if you weeks, not months, I had the word months in my head. Also I never said my divorce had gone through, I said we signed the papers. I am not looking for a serious relationship, just dating for something to do and to have some fun. But this does not mean I want to be in an affair with a married man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

badsanta said:


> At least talk about it. You do not know the context of his marriage. She could be a close friend that he married to help with her immigration status, or they could be divorced but still close friends and appear to be married.


That's true, but you'd think if that was the case HE would have gotten out ahead of it and said something early on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think it's very unwise to trust too quickly anyone you meet on a dating site...If they can't bring you home.. that in itself is a huge red flag waving..









You jumped in much too soon...online dating is ripe with those seeking to cheat...it's very unfortunate, but that's the world we live in..


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> I just started dating as soon as the divorce papers were signed. Wow I had no idea what I was missing out on! Met a guy on a dating site, realized as soon as we met in person he lied about his age and all his pics were from 10 years ago. He's 20 years older than me. No thanks.
> 
> Second guy I've been seeing for a few months. Really really like him, he's amazing in bed and we have great chemistry. He never invites me over to his house however. This was a red flag of course and I looked him up on Facebook and lo and behold, he's married!!!
> 
> ...


This is really creepy........What a way to start out.......


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it's very unwise to trust too quickly anyone you meet on a dating site...*If they can't bring you home.. that in itself is a huge red flag waving.. *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not necessarily true, there are various other reasons to not take someone to your home, especially post divorce.
It is not smart to let people know where you live until you get to know them.
In my case I have 3 kids and no way would I have risked their safety by letting a man know where I lived until I was confident he was a decent man.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Holland said:


> Not necessarily true, there are various other reasons to not take someone to your home, especially post divorce.
> It is not smart to let people know where you live until you get to know them.
> In my case I have 3 kids and no way would I have risked their safety by letting a man know where I lived until I was confident he was a decent man.


The Op was in a sexual relationship with this man.

Are you saying that it's ok to have sex with a man but not tell him where you live until you know him better?

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this.

Then again people pick up strangers at bars and screw them after knowing them less than an hour so I guess it happens.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mclane said:


> The Op was in a sexual relationship with this man.
> 
> Are you saying that it's ok to have sex with a man but not tell him where you live until you know him better?
> 
> ...


Yes it is very possible to do that. I look back with fondness on the first few months with Mr H, we had lots of hotel sex :grin2:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> Not necessarily true, there are various other reasons to not take someone to your home, especially post divorce.
> It is not smart to let people know where you live until you get to know them.
> In my case I have 3 kids and no way would I have risked their safety by letting a man know where I lived until I was confident he was a decent man.


But you would have sex with him ? I wouldn't do either ... but having sex with a near stranger -many seem to think this is just fine.. it's not something I personally will ever understand...It's far too trusting much too early... 

Unlike the majority response on this thread.. I feel there is some responsibility on the women to get to know a man before she jumps into sex with a near stranger like that..otherwise this is a pretty common occurrence..


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But you would have sex with him ? I wouldn't do either ... but having sex with a near stranger -many seem to think this is just fine.. it's not something I personally will ever understand...It's far too trusting much too early...
> 
> Unlike the majority response on this thread.. I feel there is some responsibility on the women to get to know a man before she jumps into sex with a near stranger like that..otherwise this is a pretty common occurrence..


Yes we know you wouldn't have sex with a man before marriage SA. This thread is about dating post divorce, life is different now for the OP, you cannot compare the two lifestyles.

I was OLD with the intention of finding a man to enjoy sex with but I am also a very responsible adult and parent. I love sex but I am not stupid enough to risk my kids safety to get it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is dating post divorce. People lie....doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, they lie. I have been in your position although it didn't take me months to discover she was married just a week. Best suggestion is to go slow until you learn who the person really is you open up to.

You will figure this game out. Just takes some time, we all made mistakes


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> During the three months of dating, the onus was on him to let her know he was married and to also let her know if there was some extraordinary circumstance.


Get your facts straight dude before you go making accusations, they have only known each other for a few weeks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mclane said:


> Yeah I'm sure there's tons of good reasons why he failed to mention he's married during *3 months of dating*.
> 
> Just ask the poor guy before drawing conclusions rather than thinking he's at fault in some way.
> 
> Yes that's sarcasm.



Just *three weeks* dude!

If you were separated from your wife and were dating someone for only three weeks, you probably want to make sure it is serious before bringing your kids onto the scene. 

I'll make a sarcastic remark about you... @Mclane Ever take your kids out drinking with you?

Yeah, that's what I thought... I drink at home too!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Confused11374 said:


> I am not looking for a serious relationship, just dating for something to do and to have some fun. But this *does not mean I want to be in an affair with a married man*


Uh, you are still married, so he is having an affair with a married woman. Maybe his marital status is just like yours. I am not judging, just stating your facts.

I don't see the problem. You don't want a LTR. You just want to have fun. He wants the same thing. He is a good ****.

Seems that your dating experience with him is pretty good. His dating experience is EXCELLENT, as he found you.

The only victim here is the clueless wife of the man, if she exists and if she is clueless. Maybe she had an affair after a 15 yr marriage, like you, and he is having his RA.

Again, no judgement. I wish I knew someone like you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> Yes we know you wouldn't have sex with a man before marriage SA. This thread is about dating post divorce, life is different now for the OP, you cannot compare the two lifestyles.


 I surely am not comparing, nor would I think any women today would be that foolish.. they will only end up a lonely old Maid with Cats to not open their legs to a man dating...

But it's still wise to take a little time to get to know someone.. Me personally, sharing some experiences, a building of trust, having the "exclusive" talk, those would be necessary ...and yeah.. feeling safe enough to go back to his place also... so Yeah. I'd expect more ... 

If I did what she did.. I'd not be a bit surprised to find out this charming Lover is a philanderer.... If a friend did this.. I'd say the same.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> *This is dating post divorce. People lie....doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, they lie. I have been in your position although it didn't take me months to discover she was married just a week. * Best suggestion is to go slow until you learn who the person really is you open up to.
> 
> You will figure this game out. Just takes some time, we all made mistakes


People LIE so much today it has become acceptable..We don't even judge it anymore.. We make excuses... I just read an article about it online.. even the author excused it, should I have expected anything else ! :wtf: 

I used to think reading on this forum doesn't affect me.. but It has in this way... Outside of my family.. I pretty much expect people to lie to save face.. to get what they want.. 

A friend of mine shared her online dating experiences one night we were at a Band Concert.. we talked the whole time.. literally one after the other after another were ALL LIARS.. a little digging opened it all up.. Good for her ! But jeez...it's Ugly out there...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> People LIE so much today it has become acceptable..We don't even judge it anymore.. We make excuses... I just read an article about it online.. even the author excused it, should I have expected anything else ! :wtf:
> 
> I used to think reading on this forum doesn't affect me.. but It has in this way... Outside of my family.. I pretty much expect people to lie to save face.. to get what they want..
> 
> A friend of mine shared her online dating experiences one night we were at a Band Concert.. we talked the whole time.. literally one after the other after another were ALL LIARS.. a little digging opened it all up.. Good for her ! But jeez...it's *Ugly* out there...


It is, but like I said you just have to learn to play the game. As you say you assume people will and are lying then get surprised when they don't. Dating, especially online dating, isn't for the faint of Heart or those who wear their hearts on their sleeve. It's a game and both men and women get played you just have to learn how the game is played then it get easier. 

best survival tips for online dating:
Have low expectations...leads to less disappointment
Nothing is real till you meet...this covers the lies people tell about weight and age
Clarify EVERYTHING, and yes that does mean asking the question are you married because people will find ways to justify even that


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wouldn't put it as "responsibility". Instead I'd say that it takes a while to learn about a person and early in a relationship there can be some very unpleasant surprises - like finding out he is married. 

As long as someone is aware of the risks, I think its fine to have sex early on if they want. 






SimplyAmorous said:


> But you would have sex with him ? I wouldn't do either ... but having sex with a near stranger -many seem to think this is just fine.. it's not something I personally will ever understand...It's far too trusting much too early...
> 
> Unlike the majority response on this thread.. I feel there is some responsibility on the women to get to know a man before she jumps into sex with a near stranger like that..otherwise this is a pretty common occurrence..


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Get your facts straight dude before you go making accusations, they have only known each other for a few weeks.


The Op clarified _after_ the initial post that it was 3 weeks not 3 months. The typo still exists in the original post, it has not been corrected. Lots of people read the initial post and skip or skim the rest before replying.



Confused11374 said:


> Second guy I've been seeing for a few months.





badsanta said:


> MENTION=245674]Mclane[/MENTION] Ever take your kids out drinking with you?
> 
> Yeah, that's what I thought... I drink at home too!


 @badsanta

I don't know what you thought but no I never took my kids out drinking with me, I don't really drink all that much, just socially or when watching an NFL game, sharing a bottle of wine with my girlfriend on occasion.. that sort of thing.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Just *three weeks* dude!
> 
> If you were separated from your wife and were dating someone for only three weeks, you probably want to make sure it is serious before bringing your kids onto the scene.
> 
> ...


Three weeks? Then I stand corrected and sorry for my mistake. 

That said, I still think it is wrong to date someone more than once and not tell them you're married.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hi all, I corrected the original post, sorry for the mistake. Even though I haven't known this guy for very long, I still feel betrayed. He wants to see me all the time and talk to me all the time. He acts like he wants a relationship. his behavior does not seem to be of a person who's looking just for sex or a piece of action on the side. He's also trying to drag me in emotionally. I guess I'm just super naïve but I don't know why people are dishonest like this. Of course the other person is going to find out the truth, and then what? Like the guy who lied about his age, it was apparent as soon as I saw him for the first time. Did he think I was blind or stupid?

I really am wondering if online dating is getting to the point were lying is the norm, so no one thinks anything of it. If so, that's really sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Confused11374 said:


> I guess I'm just super naïve but I don't know why people are dishonest like this. Of course the other person is going to find out the truth, and then what? Like the guy who lied about his age, it was apparent as soon as I saw him for the first time. Did he think I was blind or stupid?


You answered your own question, he's trying to drag you in emotionally so once you find out he's got a wife, you'll stick around and be number 2. It happens all the time, if you want to read an entire forum full of other women who stay with a guy who sleeps at home with his wife every day, just ask and I'll send you a link.

He doesn't think you're blind or stupid, he just thinks he's better and smarter and more manipulative than you can handle.

Prove him wrong.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're banging strangers before the divorce is finalized? What is the rush to get in strange men's beds? This is the exact stereo type that people have of divorcees. 

I'd advise you to at least let the ink dry on the final decree. Once officially divorced, be a little discriminating in who you let into your body. This married guy is just a horny POS taking advantage of you offering yourself so easily. 

As the gate keeper, if you don't have self control, you'll quickly run up a very high notch count that can endanger your health and later prevent you from meeting a MAN that may not like the idea of getting serious with easy woman.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

jsmart said:


> You're banging strangers before the divorce is finalized?
> 
> I'd advise you to at least let the ink dry on the final decree. Once officially divorced, be a little discriminating in who you let into your body.


No need to wait until the divorce is stamped final by a judge before you get out there and start dating, and it's also not necessary to limit yourself to guys who are officially divorced.

The divorce process can take a long time, in my case it took 3 years from the date of legal separation until the judge stamped the papers with the seal of the court.

Why wait 3 years and put your life on hold because the courts are slow and overloaded and inefficient? If you're emotionally ready to put it all behind you and get back out there, then go for it. 

That much being said you do need to be careful who you get involved with, especially if their story is shaky and there are red flags especially including you not being able to contact them at various times of day or night and not being invited to their home. If a person is in the midst of a divorce they can be in a bad emotional and/or financial state and they might not be in the right place to give you what you're looking for.

Lots of things to consider. Lots of cheaters and liars out there. You need to do your due diligence or risk being taken advantage of by one of the many who don't give a rat's ass about you or what you want.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I started dating 3 weeks after separating. Divorce should be final in another month. Life is short! (especially after a horrible and sexless marriage!)


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

So we had a talk, and he told me he is very unhappy in his marriage, his wife won't give him sex and he's been trying to work on it with her for a long time. They've been in therapy, everyone tells him he should leave her, but he feels bad and she cries every time he brings it up. 

He wants to leave but is trying to find the right time. I told him there is no right time, I know this from personal experience. He asked me if I still want to continue seeing him, and I said I need to think about it.

If he truly is leaving her I would be open to it, but I don't want to be dragged along. Again I am not looking for anything serious, but I don't want to be some married guys piece on the side . he assured me that's not the case. He's already given up the opportunity to have kids because this woman didn't want them even though he did. I know if he doesn't leave her he's going to be wasting even more of his life. I guess that's his problem, not mine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

He's lying.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Please tell me you're not buying any of that. Go look at all the damaged women being strung along by their MM telling them the same song and dance on Loveshack's OW section. 

Thousands of threads of women involving themselves with a MM that now they can't shake themselves clear of. It all starts just like your story but ends with the OW wasting years of her life then chasing the highs they experienced in their illicit affair. Every normal man will be found lacking. 

Drop this guy out of your life. To me Online dating seems so desperate just a step above Craigslist. It is better to meet a man through a circle of friends involved in an activity that you're into. Meeting a man this way ensures that he's been vetted by people you know and trust.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

jsmart said:


> You're banging strangers before the divorce is finalized? What is the rush to get in strange men's beds? This is the exact stereo type that people have of divorcees.


I see nothing wrong with this. Especially when you come out of a bad relationship and probably haven't had much sex in a long time. As long as you are aware of what you are getting into (or what's getting I to you) I see no problem with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

End it now until he is divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Confused11374 said:


> So we had a talk, and he told me he is very unhappy in his marriage, his wife won't give him sex and he's been trying to work on it with her for a long time. They've been in therapy, everyone tells him he should leave her, but he feels bad and she cries every time he brings it up.
> 
> He wants to leave but is trying to find the right time. I told him there is no right time, I know this from personal experience. He asked me if I still want to continue seeing him, and I said I need to think about it.
> 
> ...


This whole dialogue is classic of a cheater. He has already proven to you that he lacks character by lying to you. And now, he's doing what so many other cheaters do: He's playing on your sympathy by playing the 'victim' card. 

Even if he DID leave his wife, you would probably wind up as a "rebound". He probably wouldn't be emotionally finished with her for a while. Do you really want all of that drama? 

You mentioned that whenever he mentions divorce to his wife she "cries". Does he think she would cry if she found out he was cheating on her? 

I'm sorry, but if you've been having sex with him, you're ALREADY a "side piece". 

He's waiting for the "right time" to leave his wife. Was he also waiting for the "right time" to tell you he's married? 

Please lose this loser and have no further contact with him, even if he DOES get divorced. He's still a liar and would not a good bet for even a short term relationship. 

Please don't lower _your_ standards just because he lowered his own.


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