# Friendly with Ex. Bf won't go that far.



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

So, my exH and I have finally come to the "ok, let's be decent to each other finally" stage. I think it's great because we have a daughter together and I grew up with D parents that DID NOT get along. 
Well, my exH invited me and my bf (dating 4 months now) to his house for dinner. I talked to my bf about it. He is not at all acceptable of this. He said to me "I don't mind going to events for your kid and us all being together, but I'm not getting all buddy buddy with your exH". I explained how my life was growing up and let him know that it sucked.
Has anyone else gone through this kind of situation? What did you do?? Part of me says I need to drop my bf if he's not willing to accept this part of my life. But is that selfish of me??


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

NotSoSureYet said:


> So, my exH and I have finally come to the "ok, let's be decent to each other finally" stage. I think it's great because we have a daughter together and I grew up with D parents that DID NOT get along.
> Well, my exH invited me and my bf (dating 4 months now) to his house for dinner. I talked to my bf about it. He is not at all acceptable of this. He said to me "I don't mind going to events for your kid and us all being together, but I'm not getting all buddy buddy with your exH". I explained how my life was growing up and let him know that it sucked.
> Has anyone else gone through this kind of situation? What did you do?? Part of me says I need to drop my bf if he's not willing to accept this part of my life. But is that selfish of me??


No you're BF is right... Being amicable and decent is one thing. Dinner at his house for no reason? That's just creepy.

What BF in his right mind would sign up for that? Would you be cool with having dinner at his exes?


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Maybe you ex is trying to scope out how your BF does with his child.

If that is the case then maybe explaining that to the BF will help.

At only 4 months there is probably still a lot of insecurity in your relationship with BF. He may be worried you are trying to reconcile with Ex.

Up to you if you drop BF or not but I think there are a ton of guys who would have the same opinion.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Would you want to have dinner at your boyfriend's ex wife's house?

I personally would not have dinner at boyfriend's ex-spouse's house. I would not expect him to have dinner at my ex husband's house. In fact, I'd expect a mini freak out or a "WTF" from a boyfriend at the suggestion. Cause that's how I feel about it. That's just a boundary I have.

Co-parenting is one thing, breaking bread, sitting at a table together is another.

It seems you have fundamentally different views on this. If that is the case and there is no room for compromise, it is best to end dating now.

I was dating a guy for just a few months who was "best friends" with his ex and hung out with her all the time, talked about her all the time. We had to end it because there was no way. No way. And he would hang out with her and her husband all the time and I found it completely fvcking weird. We just did not feel the same way on the subject of exes. So moving forward, I'd rather date someone who feels the same way I do on this subject.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

NotSoSureYet said:


> So, my exH and I have finally come to the "ok, let's be decent to each other finally" stage. I think it's great because we have a daughter together and I grew up with D parents that DID NOT get along.
> Well, my exH invited me and my bf (dating 4 months now) to his house for dinner. I talked to my bf about it. He is not at all acceptable of this. He said to me "I don't mind going to events for your kid and us all being together, but I'm not getting all buddy buddy with your exH". I explained how my life was growing up and let him know that it sucked.
> Has anyone else gone through this kind of situation? What did you do?? Part of me says I need to drop my bf if he's not willing to accept this part of my life. But is that selfish of me??


I'm with the boyfriend on this one.I think it's great to get along with your ex but it's weird and awkward to have dinner with him.

I don't feel you will find a man who is totally cool with being dinner buddies with your ex and you. Your BF might be the one doing the dropping if you can't firm up those boundaries.he might decide it's not a situation he wants to be in with you or anyone else.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> No you're BF is right... Being amicable and decent is one thing. Dinner at his house for no reason? That's just creepy.
> 
> What BF in his right mind would sign up for that? Would you be cool with having dinner at his exes?


Totally agree....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha - across the board, we all think it's strange.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I'm still trying to get the thought of having to have dinner with my ex. LOL

I guess different strokes for different folks.

OP, Congrats on keeping the lines of communication open with your ex. That is very benefical to the child if it doesn't get to confusing for them.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Not in a million years would I have dinner at an exes house, especially if my current spouse is uncomfortable with it. You know what they say...Old flames burn brightest.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Your BF...did he laugh when he said, "Not a chance in hell!" 
LOL

just wow....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Op it is a tricky one but will give it to you from my perspective.

Firstly ex and I do have the sort of friendship where we have dinner. Usually for a reason such as family events or visitors from OS. We also tend to grab a pizza with the kids after school functions.

I am in a newish relationship, both of us divorced with kids. I will one day meet his ex and he will meet mine, probably in the New Year at a family function.

So all is good with the world and life with me, ex and new partners. I have no problem with partners meeting and think it is a healthy thing to do as long as all involved have dealt with past issues and are well on the way or are already healed from the past.

But I think at 4 months it is too soon for your new BF to meet the ex particularly at his house for dinner. Firstly you will be on his home ground and also there will be too few people there to break the ice or take the edge off any potential tension.
My suggestion would be to have dinner out at a neutral place, cafe, pub etc. but not quite yet, maybe in a few months. There is no need to rush these things.

The other thing is, does your BF have kids? Does he understand the importance of a good co parenting relationship with the ex?

No I would not end a relationship based on his unwillingness to have dinner with your ex but you do need to discuss with him that your ex is in your life but he isn't a threat to your new relationship.

ETA
I also think you need to show your BF that you respect his POV on this or you may risk him feeling like he is too far down the list of importance to you. It really is something that you can work towards but wait until your new relationship is stronger and not so new.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

NotSoSureYet said:


> So, my exH and I have finally come to the "ok, let's be decent to each other finally" stage. I think it's great because we have a daughter together and I grew up with D parents that DID NOT get along.
> Well, my exH invited me and my bf (dating 4 months now) to his house for dinner. I talked to my bf about it. He is not at all acceptable of this. He said to me "I don't mind going to events for your kid and us all being together, but I'm not getting all buddy buddy with your exH". I explained how my life was growing up and let him know that it sucked.
> Has anyone else gone through this kind of situation? What did you do?? Part of me says I need to drop my bf if he's not willing to accept this part of my life. But is that selfish of me??


Your parents DID NOT get along...you and your ex seem to get along... 

Your child is going to have a better childhood already because you two do get along. 

Why do you take it to mean you have to drag new spouses into an awkward and forced dinner with the ex? 

Your thinking isnt clear, and your bf appears to have cause for concern if youre putting the relationship with the ex above him, and would consider dumping him over it..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your BF has it right.

So do you. Maintaining a healthy working co-parenting relationship is very beneficial for children.

Boundaries. Your ex inviting you and the BF over for dinner is crossing one. I wouldn't do it if asked.
Birthday parties, school or athletic events are acceptable. Socializing for being social's sake? No.

You are asking A LOT in this particular case.
You can certainly drop him if you plan on being more heavily invested in a relationship with your ex for the benefit of your child, than you are building something with him.

I can tell you, I have 'dropped' a number of women that wanted a fix for their loneliness, but had no intention of considering what I require to build a relationship.

Your boyfriend has stated a boundary. A very reasonable one. 
Your ex invited you to dinner to size up the new guy, as someone else pointed out.


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

I wouldn't even go to a birthday party. I'd have a separate birthday celebration with mom(gf) and child(ren) but not with the ex H.

A sporting or school event is different...those events can't be reconstructed. I just think it's really odd/weird for the ex to want to socialize with the new bf.

my $.02


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