# How do I help her through this?



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

I have a close female friend and she's been married for 37 years. A couple months ago she got an email saying that her husband had been having an affair with a younger women. She was devastated and asked him if it was true. He of course denied it. She did searching and found more evidence. He finally admitted he did but said it meant nothing and was just a stupid mistake. However he told her a couple weeks after that he was done with the marriage and moved out. He still said it was over between him and the women he had affair with but that he couldn't take her emotional affair she had years earlier any longer! She has tried everything to get him to come back and can't let go. He refuses to work on the marriage and tells her he will always love her but he's a damaged man. I've tried to talk to her and help her through this but she's so hurt. Honestly I have a strong feeling he is still seeing the other women or still in love with her. My friend is 56 and still a beautiful women with a huge heart and very talented but she doesn't think she will ever find love again or that she is pretty enough. Any suggestions on how to help her through this tough time?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You trying to get busy with this woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Why does she want him back? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> You trying to get busy with this woman?


That would be a rough approximation of my very first thought.


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

All you can do is suggest to her that she will in time be much better off without him. Sounds like a toxic relationship, where he feels justified in his affair because of her previous EA.
Don't be her physical solace, she will need a lot of time to recover if she does move on from him and you need to do right by her and keep your distance.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> You trying to get busy with this woman?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No not at all. She's just a close friend I care about.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Why does she want him back?
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


That's been my question to her but she's been married most of her adult life so she's scared of being on her own.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> That would be a rough approximation of my very first thought.


Why does a man have to be interested in a women to care about her? NO I am just a friend who cares for people.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think you can help her except be a good friend! This is a journey only she can take, finding her way through this.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

Kylie84 said:


> All you can do is suggest to her that she will in time be much better off without him. Sounds like a toxic relationship, where he feels justified in his affair because of her previous EA.
> Don't be her physical solace, she will need a lot of time to recover if she does move on from him and you need to do right by her and keep your distance.


I appreciate that but she seems emotionally unstable and I feel if I stop being her sound board as well, she will feel another man abandoned her and if she was to do something to herself I'd never forgive myself.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I don't think you can help her except be a good friend! This is a journey only she can take, finding her way through this.


Ty I am trying. I know she has to go through the emotions, I just want to make sure I'm doing good and not more harm. She feels she is washed up and know one will love her and it's breaking my heart.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gregoryshaw16 said:


> Why does a man have to be interested in a women to care about her? NO I am just a friend who cares for people.


We don't _have_ to be... and yet that is quite often the case.

Are you married yourself? If so, does your wife also count this woman as a friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

He would have to want to go back - he -might- be doing a 180 but it sounds more like he's got his toys and freedom and thinks the world is his oyster. perhaps he's getting his physical interests being meet elsewhere or professionally. kind of the male equivalent of the female Mid life crisis thing.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Good for you for caring enough to want to get advise! Just be there for her. If she could seek the help of a counselor that might be of great help to her.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It's nice that you want to be there for your friend OP, and I don't know if you're married or not, but if you are you need to be very careful. It's not appropriate for your friend to turn to you for support...your wife will soon get jack of it.

Even if you're not married, you need to be very careful. Your friend is extremely vulnerable right now, and may develop feelings for you. It's probably best if you're not the one she leans on through this.


----------



## Gregoryshaw16 (Jun 19, 2016)

No I also went through this a couple years ago.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Gregoryshaw16 said:


> No I also went through this a couple years ago.


An objective sounding board is healthiest for her right now... allow her to find her best path by encouraging counseling and listen without judgement for the moment leaving advice for those less close to the vest least she unhealthily attach without resolution of her current fears and struggles.

Your compassion and empathy places your heart and mind in the right place, please be aware that her mindfulness needs to come unobstructed as well.


----------



## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

People often remain in unhappy, painful relationships because of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of not finding love again.
Your friend is going through a difficult time, facing rejection and abandonment. Based on her age, I'm guessing she's been married quite a while, and probably not sure how she can start her life over again at this age. Divorce is a big deal. Especially when kids are involved.

You might want to encourage your friend to seek professional counseling, to work on her self-esteem, and to work through her fears, insecurities and uncertainties. 

Otherwise, just be there for her as a friend. Be a good listener.

Ultimately, it's up to her and her husband how this will pan out. But if he's refusing to work on the marriage, it sounds like it's heading for divorce, it's just a matter of time, and a matter of your friend learning to accept these things. 

Your friend needs time to work through the stages of grief. Perhaps at this time, she is simply in denial.


----------



## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

Gregoryshaw16 said:


> I have a close female friend and she's been married for 37 years. A couple months ago she got an email saying that her husband had been having an affair with a younger women. She was devastated and asked him if it was true. He of course denied it. She did searching and found more evidence. He finally admitted he did but said it meant nothing and was just a stupid mistake. However he told her a couple weeks after that he was done with the marriage and moved out. He still said it was over between him and the women he had affair with but that he couldn't take her emotional affair she had years earlier any longer! She has tried everything to get him to come back and can't let go. He refuses to work on the marriage and tells her he will always love her but he's a damaged man. I've tried to talk to her and help her through this but she's so hurt. Honestly I have a strong feeling he is still seeing the other women or still in love with her. My friend is 56 and still a beautiful women with a huge heart and very talented but she doesn't think she will ever find love again or that she is pretty enough. Any suggestions on how to help her through this tough time?


Why are you so focused on this woman's problems?

No matter how much you care about somebody, you can't take away their pain - or make better choices on their behalf.

I struggle with over-involving myself in other people's business especially my W's so I understand.

Do you have a W/GF of your own? Just wondering why a friend's drama would occupy so much of your own time and energy.


----------



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Take her out as her wing man. Introduce her to guys. I've done this for female friends. It's fun and puts them at ease


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Have this women post on TAM.

She does not need a middleman......well, you are more than that, it seems.

She will discover that she is not alone. Many others have gone through this.

As it is, you are filtering what we suggest. 

Your voice is one, ours is dozens or many dozens on occasion.


----------

