# whats wrong with me?



## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

my wife and I are married for 5 years.... 1 year before. I asked her to marry me and she accempted. NOW.... she has slowly drifted us apart by never wanting to be with me for anything.... float trips,movies, stopped biking.... but she will go with her girls at any time(they are in their twenties). Her family members are on the wild side... she has had a dope problem before me. She would rather not have sex with me, but will. I have no one to talk to about this, but then I found this site. Can any of you give me some advise. Im not controlling, I very kind and loving, understanding... also giving and happy. I have taken care of her 5 kids and mine as well. I think am fun and dangerous seeking thrills. I am never affraid of anything or anyone and always have a positive outlook. UNTIL now, this has brought me to my knees, im scared now of loosing the woman i deeply love... i hate this feeling. Help me


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So she basicly living like a single gal and you are the nice guy watching the kids? 5 of hers and your own, how man kids in total? 

How old is she and you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

chemdude said:


> my wife and I are married for 5 years.... 1 year before. I asked her to marry me and she accempted. NOW.... she has slowly drifted us apart by never wanting to be with me for anything.... float trips,movies, stopped biking.... but she will go with her girls at any time(they are in their twenties). Her family members are on the wild side... she has had a dope problem before me. She would rather not have sex with me, but will. I have no one to talk to about this, but then I found this site. Can any of you give me some advise. Im not controlling, I very kind and loving, understanding... also giving and happy. I have taken care of her 5 kids and mine as well. I think am fun and dangerous seeking thrills. I am never affraid of anything or anyone and always have a positive outlook. UNTIL now, this has brought me to my knees, im scared now of loosing the woman i deeply love... i hate this feeling. Help me


Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Also, stop being her babysitter so that she can go party with her girlfriends. Of the sexiest traits that women look for, babysitting is not one of them.


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

I am 50... but a very young 50 and she is 46. I played in a rock band .... so I stopped that. I was drag racing motorcycles... so I stopped that. I have been trying to get my wife back for the last year. We still live together eat together but damn Im so alone... i hate it. We have talked about splitting up, but once that happens it will over. I would have to move away. thanks for reading this... and the nice guy comment was uplifting


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

chemdude said:


> I am 50... but a very young 50 and she is 46. I played in a rock band .... so I stopped that. I was drag racing motorcycles... so I stopped that. I have been trying to get my wife back for the last year. We still live together eat together but damn Im so alone... i hate it. We have talked about splitting up, but once that happens it will over. I would have to move away. thanks for reading this... and the nice guy comment was uplifting


So, you seduced your wife by being a drag racing rocker. Then, after you married, you stopped being a drag racing rocker and started being a babysitter. And now she's not into you? Maybe she's attracted to drag racing rockers. You might want to give that a shot.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

chemdude said:


> I am 50... but a very young 50 and she is 46. I played in a rock band .... so I stopped that. I was drag racing motorcycles... so I stopped that. I have been trying to get my wife back for the last year. We still live together eat together but damn Im so alone... i hate it. We have talked about splitting up, but once that happens it will over. I would have to move away. thanks for reading this... *and the nice guy comment was uplifting*


Take the quiz on this site. See how nice a guy you are....

No More Mr. Nice Guy

You may need to read this...
No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

While I agree this situation needs work and her desire to spend no time with her husband is a serious problem, I just want to point out ...

When a father is spending time with his children (or step-children) it isn't "babysitting." And he isn't a "babysitter" he's being a father. Demeaning fathers spending time with their children as unmasculine and undesireable isn't helpful. That isn't the problem here. 

I'd say the first question is - how sure are you she's really going out with girlfriends?


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

Wellllll..... Im still a rocker, just no more gigs. Racing is expensive and im stable "enough" to continue. Sonya is a "simple" type of person but at the same time so complex to deal with. Im always the talker... always the one trying.... she says she loves me... I say when? I feel like Im just a house, a new car, and heat and air conditioning. The last talk we had , well, I subjected an ultimatum because I was tired of being alone and rejected. I did sense a spark in her attitude . Part of the deal was , I would pay for her to find a place to live, buy the big D if that is what she wanted. We are still together as of now . People.... I just want a loving companion to interested in me. I am almost sure there is not woman for me that is compatable. Life is to be fun and happy , secure, and I gotta hurry that up because Im going on 51


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you can't figure out what is wrong with you, but your wife knows exactly what she thinks is wrong with you - whether it's legitimate or not. It's time to get to the bottom of this and see if this marriage can be saved. You listed your good traits, but find out from your wife what her gripe is. I think only she can answer your question.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

double


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Take a trip outside your body and look from the outside
1) Wild past
2) Actively disengages you.
3) Sex is duty sex at best
4) GNOs with young single women

You DONT see any red flags here? Ive expanded my standard instructions pasted below.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

I would start with the low level stuff first. Just the VAR and low level looking around.

There is a 95% chance your woman is going to clubs dancing with other men, flirting with them, getting drinks from them. She is getting her emotions from OTHER MEN
There is an 85% she is doing PA lite type stuff like kissing and allowing herself to be groped.
There is a 65% chance she has cheated at least once in the parking lot
There is a 50% chance she is an active pick up for affairs.

Your not controlling? WHAT!? You are not controlling enough.

See my instructions above and GET IT DONE!

Sorry but, DAMN MAN. be Mr Rocking Motorcycle man again.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You've listed red flags. 
Does she still have a dope problem? What kind of dope? It does make a difference... 
The GNOs are where YOU should be going out with her. Get a "real" babysitter. 
Sorry you are here.


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes you are correct.... Im starting that approach with the problem..... BUT... here is the "complex" part of Sonya,,,, she cant express her self, I have to pull the words out of her mouth... that sucks because Im stepping into the "parenting" mode with her and it is getting old. This is a boundry between an education and being a party favor sense high school resulting in a teen mom. Please dont be mad at me for that statement. But the bottom line is... This guy loves her and takes it seriously.... before I can end it with her I must try everything I can do to fix and repair this relationship. We were great for 5 years but this last one dropped off into a hurtfull situation


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

after I think about it..... Im just about done anyway


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

thank you everyone..... I will tell her tonight.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

chemdude said:


> after I think about it..... Im just about done anyway


That was quick? Guess you've been at this a while.

Maybe you could get something out of these threads...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-yearl

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Good luck


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh. scratch head. 

Who said anything beyond investigate?

Damn odd.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Woah! We went from being deeply in love and wanting to fix this to being done in under 90 minutes. What happened Chem? 
My suggestion, make a list. Being totally honest with yourself, even if it hurts, list all the things you can that make your marriage worth saving. Then a list of the not-so-much. Compare them. Mull it all over. Don't make any rash decisions.


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

thanks man, but I have just concluded that Im tired. Tired of it all... even if it were fixed I will still have those sickening feels in my soul.... the ones that **** up your life. Im going to hop on the Glide after work and chase wind... just to make sure ... then give up


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

One more thing.... I will be in love with Sonya forever


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So if you love her forever. Find out what is going on and react.

Some people do recover even from long term affairs and YOU HAVE NOT EVEN figured out what is going on.

I outright gave you a plan. Execute it.


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

ok


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> When a father is spending time with his children (or step-children) it isn't "babysitting." And he isn't a "babysitter" he's being a father. Demeaning fathers spending time with their children as unmasculine and undesireable isn't helpful. That isn't the problem here.


If everything else were fine, I would agree with you. A father keeping the kids one afternoon so that his wife can get her nails done is just being a good husband and father. But a father who frequently stays home with the kids so the mother can go party without him isn't masculine or desirable.

A woman should get married to share her life with her husband. Not so that she has free babysitting while she's out partying.


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## chemdude (Aug 13, 2013)

I will do a little more recon.... But Im feeling that enough is enough at the moment. You have to understand I dont have anyone to talk to . You are the first group I have reached out to... and yes it really did help. This could just be a " I dont love you anymore" type of deal. You cant make a person love back.... I guess thats when ya gotta know when its time. I would like to know for sure what kind of event triggered all of this. So for now all the posts have been right on track.... this is a small town ( Monett Mo) and Im well known... so gosip a news would reach me in a matter of hours if something was happening locally. I will think on it .... reset... but I just cant go on like this much longer.. Once again thank you to all ,,, and I will let you know what happens.. GOD SPEED


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude. Do your recon and PM me if you need help.

Ive taken dozens of men thru a grim journey you dont even know that you have yet to make. Never mind the people who read my stuff, do my plans, and NEVER have their own thread. I get PMs from people with NO threads asking for plans or info. Those that PM me must be a small fraction who do my plans from other peoples threads, never post, never PM, they just execute.

If you do find an affair, Read BFF's thread from beginning to end and picture yourself as him.


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