# Guy Time Please?!?!



## Jferreira (Aug 21, 2013)

Ok ladies I need to know if I am crazy for wanting this! Me and my wife are happily married and I absolutely adore her. That being said the thing that really bothers me is that she absolutely hates the idea of me having the occasional night with the guys. I do work alot and I understand that when we have time she wants me to herself so we can do date nights and stuff like that, but I do need that time for my guy friends and just time in general to unwind and be away. She doesnt understand that it has nothing to do with her and I dont neccesarily need to be away from HER. And no I dont mean I want to go out until 2am to bars, clubs, ect. I'm just talking about the occasional night to go bowling or a sports bar with the fellas for a few hours. Is that a rediculious request? I work really hard and I always make an effort to take her to movies, dinner, ect. Please let me know what you think and some advice to help her understand would be nice also! Thanks!


----------



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

How occasional is occasional?

I believe it's oft-quoted here that couples should spend 15 hours a week together at minimum. That's at least 3 hours a day during the workweek.

I'd go to her with specifics and maybe change your wording. "XX, how would you feel if I went bowling with my friends once a week?" vs. "XX, I'm going out with the guys on Saturday".


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't mind my H having guy time. He always seem to want it at the most inopportune time. Like if it's a rainy Friday and I'm thinking we can get a movie and cuddle on the couch tonight. Mmm mm. Then he calls and says me and the fellas gonna catch the preseason game at the sports bar tonight. Working late so going straight from work. 

I feel crying or cussing. But usually just end up saying ok Babe have fun. 

So I would say if there's a game coming up that you and the fellas might want to see at a sports bar or any other activity bring it up a day or two ahead of time.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think it is important for you to socialize with your guy friends. 

I don't know how long you have married. It's understandable if you are newly married. If you are not, then she is unreasonable. 

We can't spend all of our time with our spouses. We will be talked out. After many years together, you will be bored. We need to cultivate friendship. There is usually a lot of laughter when you are spending time with good friends. 

Does she have girl friends? If she has female friends, then it is easier for her to understand your feeling. A good spouse is important for our life, good friends are important too.


----------



## Jferreira (Aug 21, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies and advice. To answer some of the questions.. By occasional I mean like once a month or something and I've never TOLD her I was doing anything, I always say " hey, so and so wants to go bowling and catch a drink, what do you think?" and usually I get "well I wanted to do something with you and why do you need to go out without me?" It usually leads to her crying and me being fustrated. I do feel lucky that somone loves me enough to want to be with me all the time but I really enjoy the comradarery and fun I have with my buddies.


----------



## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I've been married for 17 years and once a month or so to yourself is, IMO, minor. I'd consider it excessive if it was several times per week or staying out drunk 'til 2am +. 

Does she have her own friends and interests to occupy herself when you two aren't together?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There needs to be better balance. Does she have friends or hobbies? If not, encourage her to develop some interests and activities outside the home. It could be volunteering for some worthy cause, which would be good for her self esteem as well. You may be all she has for a social life, which is unhealthy for her - and you.

As for how to approach this to get time for your self, I'm not sure how to do that while keeping the peace as I haven't had this problem. Hopefully others will have some ideas.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hmmm maybe there more to this than we been told. Or she really know how to manipulate you? I'm referring to the crying.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She has the unrealistic expectation that married couples should always do everything together. Does this mean she doesn't ever do lunches with the girls, she doesn't ever enjoy time with just other women? I sincerely doubt it. She probably doesn't even recognize that lunches with the girls or Mommy and child play groups are also girl time...for some women. Or perhaps she spends hours per week on the phone gabbing with a friend or sister or mother. That is girl time also. What she doesn't understand is that men don't do guy time on the phone or taking a lunch. They Do Stuff cause men talk while DOING while women do while talking.

Also address and make sure she feels that the effort you put into couple time far exceeds the effort you put into guy time. In the early days of my marriage my husband played golf every Sunday. He'd make or take calls, get the tee time, confirm with the guys... Never put any effort into recreational time with me and that's what pissed me off.


----------



## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> She has the unrealistic expectation that married couples should always do everything together.
> 
> Also address and make sure she feels that the effort you put into couple time far exceeds the effort you put into guy time. In the early days of my marriage my husband played golf every Sunday. He'd make or take calls, get the tee time, confirm with the guys... Never put any effort into recreational time with me and that's what pissed me off.


I'm related to a couple who does *everything* together. I think they have some kind of unwritten "contract" that they have to live that way. It's strange to me, but I guess it works for them.

Your second point is the only time I had a problem with H going out. He'd only go out about once a month but because we had young kids at the time and it wasn't always easy to get a babysitter, we'd go out even less. _That_ made me mad. As our kids have gotten older and more independent, we go out more often, which has been great for our marriage. We're still working on things, but alone time together has been crucial.


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

You mention that when you have free time she wants to do date nights and spend time together instead of you going out with your friends. Do you have date nights? Do you go out with just your wife? If so, how often? Do YOU plan nights out with her?

I ask because she may not feel like a priority for your free time. I love that my husband goes out with friends, but if I got the leftovers of his time, then I would have a problem. I know you say that it is only once a month, but depending on how busy your life is, that could be a problem if you and your wife DON'T go out that often.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Shiksa said:


> You mention that when you have free time she wants to do date nights and spend time together instead of you going out with your friends. Do you have date nights? Do you go out with just your wife? If so, how often? Do YOU plan nights out with her?
> 
> I ask because she may not feel like a priority for your free time. I love that my husband goes out with friends, but if I got the leftovers of his time, then I would have a problem. I know you say that it is only once a month, but depending on how busy your life is, that could be a problem if you and your wife DON'T go out that often.


:iagree:

This is absolutely true. Unless you are making specific plans with her then it looks like you are only making plans for others. I go out a lot some times for two full weekends per month on climbing trips. This works for us because I plan and work with her to do special things as well. It also gives her some personal time. But it varies also. This last month we have done something special every weekend and we are trying to plan a date night sans kids for tomorrow. So even though I go to the gym 2 times a week and am away a weekend a month or so, my actions show her that she is a priority.

I see you are married for only a short while. It takes time to adjust to knowing each others personal time. I also see you are in the military. Does your job dictate a lot of your time? If it does perhaps this is a reason for her concern.


----------



## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I think going out with your friends once in a while is reasonable. Maybe make it once every two months to compromise.

Your wife seems very insecure and unreasonable to expect you to only do things with her. This is something you two will have to work through before she alienates you from your friends and you resent her for it.


----------



## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Hmmmm

I have an idea.. if she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends do your friends date? Maybe she can come along once or twice and meet other women. 

That way you could have a set day that when you and buddies go out, your wife hangs out with her new friends. You can also do something where at the end of the night you all meet up and have a drink together.

I used to do that all the time. Us girls would end up having fun dancing or listening to the band while the guys were playing pool or whatever.

But regardless it seems strange she is so insecure about one night.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is out 3 days a week at the gym for two hours(often he takes the kids with). He occasionally leaves for weekends to go fishing. He hunts on the weekends during hunting season and he often takes a yearly trip for salmon fishing in Alaska. I'm completely fine with this. He does all these things with the family and his guy friends. 

He will on rare occasion go out with his friends for a beer.(I don't drink). My husband works extremely hard to support our family. He always takes time to have one on one time with me. He also supports my hobbies inside the home without any issues. Between the two of us I have no problem with him living his life. He's an adult and not trapped in our marriage. I understand that he needs his space. I need mine too and I get 8 hours mon-fri when the kids are away at school. I have to take time everyday to tend to my hobbies. My husband is an absolutely wonderful husband and father. 

One thing I would not like if my husband was going out 3 nights a week to a bar/club to have a beer. That is unacceptable. On the flip side I'm able to come and go as I please as well. I have a hard time with this since I'm housebound due to a neck injury and that's my tough luck.

I do believe you and your wife need your time doing what you like to do. It looks like your going to have to come up with a compromise. Maybe find a babysitter and have her come along.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If I might make a suggestion, being XY.

Why not schedule ahead of time? YOU be the instigator for the guys. Look forward three weeks and say to the wife "I have four evenings free on the week of the 17th. When do you want to plan something?"

Let her get first dibs on your time...then take the odd night and say "Oh...btw, I am doing X with the guys on Tuesday."

This sort of boxes her in if you just planned a whole slew of couple activities and she showed no interest in Tuesday before now.

Granted, if she is irrational about this, she will STILL resent it.

I am guessing that while it might be the time away from you, it is probably also WHO you are hanging with. She might not want to say she doesn't like your friends...but she might not like your friends.

Another thing: when you are with her BE WITH HER. Turn the cell phone off. Make her the focal point. You are wasting a romantic dinner if you are constantly on the phone.


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

My husband and I like to spend most nights of the week at home together and on weekends we like to go out or just chill at home. About twice a month I will plan something with my friends and he will plan something with his friends. Sometimes my husband goes to the gym for a few hours on weeknights. 

I love my husband. We have only been married 3 months. I would love to spend every waking moment with him, but realistically, that would become boring very fast. You need to have time with your same sex friends, and if your wife doesnt have any friends, she needs to make some. The time apart actually puts you in a good mood. When you come home to your spouse, you share that mood with them. It's similar to going to the spa for the day and coming back. You feel refreshed. 

I think you should sit down with your wife and work out a schedule on when you will see your friends. Encourage her to do the same.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, you should have guy time. If you dont, you wont keep "adoring" her for long, you will become resentful. She should also give herself time out with her girlfriends. I think it is important on both sides to have that time. I also believe in each person having "me" time as well.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jferreira said:


> Thanks for all the replies and advice. To answer some of the questions.. By occasional I mean like once a month or something and I've never TOLD her I was doing anything, I always say " hey, so and so wants to go bowling and catch a drink, what do you think?" and usually I get "well I wanted to do something with you and why do you need to go out without me?" It usually leads to her crying and me being fustrated. I do feel lucky that somone loves me enough to want to be with me all the time but I really enjoy the comradarery and fun I have with my buddies.


To me, she is being controlling. But that is because I am wired in the way that I think people, even in a couple, ned time with their friens.

Unless you are consistently planning or wanting nights/time out with your friends while you already have made plans with her (same date/time), then she is being very unreasonable and that would annoy me.

Just plead your case._ Wife, I work a lot and would like to spend time with my friends. It's healthy. But you know I'm going to give you some sugar when I get back. _


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jferreira said:


> Thanks for all the replies and advice. To answer some of the questions.. By occasional I mean like once a month or something and I've never TOLD her I was doing anything, I always say " hey, so and so wants to go bowling and catch a drink, what do you think?" and usually I get "well I wanted to do something with you and why do you need to go out without me?" It usually leads to her crying and me being fustrated. I do feel lucky that somone loves me enough to want to be with me all the time but I really enjoy the comradarery and fun I have with my buddies.


When Batman lines up plans for himself, he tells me. Along the lines of "I'm going for a pint on Sunday afternoon with Wolverine." And I say "Cool." Or he might check that we don't have plans on Sunday and then say what he's looking to do.

I do the same, "I'm catching up with Storm for breakfast Saturday morning." And he says "Nice." We sync our calendars and if one of us is arranging date-night or we just want the other to be home, we block it out. At quick glance to the calendar, it's easier to make plans. We mostly socialize as a couple but I feel those bonds are still important. 

As others have already covered, I'd be wondering if she has friends and interests, and if there's effort put into fun date nights together? The tears and frustration - why does she feel hurt and excluded?


----------



## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

I am so lucky because me and my wife are best friends as well as all the other cool things couples do together. 

we spend a lot of time together on holidays or watching movies at home etc. frankly I want to spend my time with her. I have a few friends I spend time with, a few have moved so it pretty well is down to one who at the best is better at chasing butterflies than being a best friend. what can I say, I am loyal to a fault. 

anyways, if a friend is in town or I want to go to a movie it is not an issue with my wife. a few times I have gone hiking or camping without her, I feel guilty that I am not sharing the experience with her but it helps us both grow a little bit. 

my heart and soul belong to my wife, but my identity is still mine.


----------

