# More children means less sex?



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I just found this forum and thought it was very informative. I'm curious if others think like I do in that the more kids you have, the less sex you'll get.

My wife and I are in our early 30s and have one child. We have sex about 2 to 3 times a week. I'd prefer it more, but my wife wouldn't mind less. She used to want it more until we had our child. I'm worried that if we had more kids, we would have even less sex. It makes sense that with more kids around, it's more difficult to find time to do it. What do you think?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ummm... no? Having kids hasn't affected how much sex we have. The only thing that has affected it is medications he is on.

How often does she want sex?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

NO... there are childless couples here getting no loving and other who have produced entire football teams and their swinging from the trapeze every night.

There seems to be no 'rules' when it comes to sex.

FYI - We're a 3 child household and we average 3-5 times a week

PS: Only time I've been low sex drive was when i had babies... (many) womens bodies produce hormones that tell their bodies to not want sex...as they already have a baby to care for. 
Once the babies got older (as in on their own feet and not breast feeding) my drive came back.


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## DrunkenH (Jul 29, 2012)

I really don't think there is a correlation. Hell, I have no kids and I haven't been laid in years.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Yes, I think children, especially young children, especially multiple young children, lower the frequency of sex. More to do, more exhausted, more worries, more maternal instincts.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Yes, I think children, especially young children, especially multiple young children, lower the frequency of sex. More to do, more exhausted, more worries, more maternal instincts.


I'd have to say that depends on the couple. My youngest two are 21 months apart. They are now 5 and 4. It wasn't until the last couple years that we haven't been getting sex as frequently as we would like...and that isn't because of the kids. 

I breastfed my kids. I was exhausted, yes. I had the maternal instincts (still do). We co-slept with each child for a couple years. Still, it didn't stop us from having frequent sex.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it can be, if you let it. We put the marriage first. He comes first (ha...) for me and I first for him. 

Then after a certain time of night, I'm done being "mommy". Unless sick. 

More kids means being creative. Disney is a great babysitter for a few minutes of husband and wife time. 

I will admit after our trips, my sex drive was just gone. I did have sex when I didn't want it, gave bjs when all I wanted was my pillow. And have fallen asleep...a lot. 

We were zombies for the first year. I read it takes 24 hours a day of one baby, 48 hours for 2, and 72 hours for 3. 

Meaning, 72 hours have to be crammed into a 24 hour day. 

It is normal to not have a lot of time in the first year of life. But then they sleep through the nite, start on whole milk (I think) can hold their own damn bottle or cup. 

If you get babies used to noise like a vacuum or some music, lights being on, loud talking...they will sleep through sex noises.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I agree that every couple is different... we have 3 kids and still do it all the time... My husband said no babies in bed (overnight) only when they are sick, have nightmares, etc. When they go back to sleep, they go to their bed... My maternal instincts pouted about this quite a bit at first then hearing about my friends hell trying to get her kids out of their bed... I thanked him


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

That's what happened for us. Being "mommy" became the #1 priority for my wife and more kids meant more being "mommy" over everything else.


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## Wilburnter (Aug 1, 2012)

The only thing that has affected it is medications he is on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The OP is correct. Kids usually lower sexual frequency. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Some people overcome the distractions that kids inevitably provide and continue a healthy and frequent sexual relationship. Many don't.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Maybe for some it does lower the frequency. This needs only to be temporary though. We have 5 & I don't really think the problems we had when they were younger was due to the number of kids we had. The more kids, the more they amuse each other & don't go demanding attention from the parents. When they are little they also go to bed earlier than parents. Train them to sleep in their own beds & stay in their beds & you will be fine.
Now, we have 3 still left at home & I am sure they know what we get up to as they go to bed much much later than we do! I bought them all good headphones, especially the one in the room next to ours.
It really is up to each individual couple to work out how many children they can cope with & understand there are times in a marriage when sex is a bit less frequent & if you can keep the relationship strong through this time, it will come back again.


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> That's what happened for us. Being "mommy" became the #1 priority for my wife and more kids meant more being "mommy" over everything else.


This is why we now find ourselves on verge of divorce, as W now feels we are like roommates because she neglected our sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Adex said:


> I just found this forum and thought it was very informative. I'm curious if others think like I do in that the more kids you have, the less sex you'll get.
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30s and have one child. We have sex about 2 to 3 times a week. I'd prefer it more, but my wife wouldn't mind less. She used to want it more until we had our child. I'm worried that if we had more kids, we would have even less sex. It makes sense that with more kids around, it's more difficult to find time to do it. What do you think?


in the vast majority of the time more kids means less sex.

theres no way around it. kids take time and energy and well thats the way it is!

now some few people seem to manage to keep their sex life going but that is the rare ones who put effort into it and make it a priority. and if both arn't on the same page with the effort thing then thats problematic.

the good news is that its a natural thing to happen life and family are important and if you weather the storm ....and make the grade at being a good father/husband. then as the kids grow and become less reliant on mom and dad things can come back around and be even better than before children sexually.


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

During those early years when the children were small and toddlers ether sex was less frequent.

Now my youngest is 9, my oldest 18 and moved out we are finding time every evening to be intimate. It's great! 

I can't imagine life without my children. I fully regret not having a 4th child. It's too late now, I can't physically care for a toddler anymore.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

but the one thing I learned reading this fourm is................. theres no gurantee that being the perfect husband /father will insulate you from your marriage making it or not. you have to do it because your a good moral person and you want the best for your family.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Yes, I do think that having a child have definitely lowered our sex amount, especially if both parents work full time. Children are exhausting. By the time you leave work, pick them up from school, get home, make dinner, clean up, a little play time, bath time, get your child into bed and by the time they fall asleep...its like ahhhh, I can finally rest.

We have sex about 3 times a week. I would definitely prefer it more, but my husband is known for falling asleep at like 9:30 or as soon as he hits the pillow. Its been an issue but what can ya do. He LOVES his sleep, even more then sex! If he's tired, he's tired...and I won't wake him.

It was never like this before we had a child.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

For us, yes having kids affected the frequency. Between breastfeeding all hours of the night, allowing kids to sleep in our bed, and I believe that alot of her emotional needs were being fulfilled with the love she felt toward and from the kids. Looking back, I should have said something and discussed it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm the HD spouse so no kids did not mean less sex and I have 3.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Adex said:


> I just found this forum and thought it was very informative. I'm curious if others think like I do in that the more kids you have, the less sex you'll get.
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30s and have one child. We have sex about 2 to 3 times a week. I'd prefer it more, but my wife wouldn't mind less. She used to want it more until we had our child. I'm worried that if we had more kids, we would have even less sex. It makes sense that with more kids around, it's more difficult to find time to do it. What do you think?


In most cases, yes, children affect sex frequency. That said, in virtually all of those cases, it's because one person or both let it happen.

I'm a dad to three and a step-dad to two more. Our kids range in age from 5 to 20. We have kids that go to bed before us and after us, that live beside us and under us. Naturally, you can't just rip your clothes off and start pounding away on the couch like you would have before kids.

That said, frequency isn't dependant on your location as long as you have your own bedroom to go to, which the vast majority of couples do have. There's no reason that sex can't be worked into a busy day if both people want to. I've learned that TV, friends and headphones are great distractors for children and can give you the time you need to go and get frisky. Not every time in the sack needs to be a four-hour romp, either.

The real problem is your wife. It doesn't matter if the house is empty or a marching band is living in your basement, if she doesn't want sex, there isn't going to be sex. 

Where there is a will, there is a way. I, like you, wish my fiancee had the will to make it happen as much as I'd like.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

turkish said:


> This is why we now find ourselves on verge of divorce, as W now feels we are like roommates because she neglected our sex life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting comment - does your wife freely admit that she neglected you and sees the damage it caused? If so is there any hope that you can turn it around?

This is a huge issue in our marriage - at least to me. The maternal instinct kicked in and I feel literally last in priority in our house - below even the dog. She obsesses over every aspect of the kids lives still (they're 15 and 13 now), and I don't have the drive anymore to fight for her attention.

I was ignored for a good five years while she fawned over the little ones, and sadly I have since emotionally detached. The walls I have built up are very high.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I am going to give you some tailored advice. In your case, more kids will mean less sex. No more kids will mean less sex. Your wife wants less sex and will look for an excuse for her resentment over too much sex to grow. So, more kids, and she'll have an excuse. No more kids, and she'll have the excuse that she wants more kids and is angry that you won't allow it.

You need to resolve the sexual mismatch issue so that you are both comfortable. Then, whether you have more kids or not, sex won't be an issue (at least once the children have stopped nursing and sleep through the night).


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I don't think that the number of children should affect sexual frequency in the long run. In the short term, it does. It's more difficult to have regular sex when you are nursing, waking up at all hours of the night, and struggling to find time to brush your teeth. 

After the birth of my first son, I tore so badly that I took about five months to even fully heal. Childbirth is rough on a woman's body and her hormones. But once the kids are sleeping though the night (at least mostly) and you are awake enough throughout the day to see straight, it shouldn't affect the amount of sex you have.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

We are a childfree couple. Both of us often hear from parents (mostly husbands) that babies ruin romantic lives. 

I think it really depends on the couple. Some women only get married to become mothers and others remember that they are also wives.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I think it really depends on the couple. Some women only get married to become mothers and others remember that they are also wives.


This is it!


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Kids > sex but we lock the door constantly. Sometimes you just have to get selfish a little.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

All women are different. Some as posted are highly sexual and can have zillions of kids and stahy that way.

But, since your wife is already starting to go non sexual, then having more kids will certainly make her even less sexual. Don't fail to listen to your gut here.

You should solve the sex problems before having another kid.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

From reading this forum, I don't think issues like this get fixed easily. I'm more inclined not to have a second child. I wouldn't mind having another one, but my toddler right now is a lot of work. A second one might be difficult financially as well.

Less sex and less money for another kid? At this point it's a no. The only thing I worry about is I'll regret later not having a second one.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

NeverAgain12 said:


> Interesting comment - does your wife freely admit that she neglected you and sees the damage it caused? If so is there any hope that you can turn it around?
> 
> This is a huge issue in our marriage - at least to me. The maternal instinct kicked in and I feel literally last in priority in our house - below even the dog. She obsesses over every aspect of the kids lives still (they're 15 and 13 now), and I don't have the drive anymore to fight for her attention.
> 
> I was ignored for a good five years while she fawned over the little ones, and sadly I have since emotionally detached. The walls I have built up are very high.


We're working our way through that now.

My wife is really trying, and I'm trying hard to get past it. My constant fear is that she's going to go back.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I may have been like some of these wives but my husband said something to me shortly after our first child. He said "I'll always love you more than any of our kids." I was appalled and asked him how he could even think such a thing.. He said "because they will grow up, move out and on with their lives and have a family of their own. When they do, it will just be me and you ALWAYS. We'll be together until we die, I have to love you more for that to happen." This really hit home to me since my parents ended their 34 year marriage 3 weeks before I got married and shortly after I moved out (I'm the youngest of 3 kids). They had focused so much on being parents they forgot how to be husband and wife. So I guess it does depend on the couple and what is important to each person, it can be done. You just have to be more "creative"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Adex said:


> I just found this forum and thought it was very informative. I'm curious if others think like I do in that the more kids you have, the less sex you'll get.
> 
> My wife and I are in our early 30s and have one child. We have sex about 2 to 3 times a week. I'd prefer it more, but my wife wouldn't mind less. She used to want it more until we had our child. I'm worried that if we had more kids, we would have even less sex. It makes sense that with more kids around, it's more difficult to find time to do it. What do you think?


Speaking from a woman who has 6 kids... and never blaming my "not as raging drive" on the kids... which I know was never the issue with me.... as I ALWAYS had more PEP & energy over my own husband (strangely)... my kids never slowed me down. Even when we had 4 age 6 and under.....I still stayed up late, and never once used "I am too tired" as an excuse. I am a SAHM though, so this makes it easier by far. 

THough I DID allow other things to be paramount on my mind back then... and wasn't in a "sexual" mindset every day. I wish I could go back & change this even, I feel this was a huge blunder on my part. I always seemed to have "future projects" swirling in my head, plans to get accomplished. 

Today, one is in college, youngest is 5, 2 in Elementary, 2 in high school ....and NOTHING slows us down. So long as you have a locked bedroom door, I don't see why sex has to slip at all...unless the wife is too tired and the busyness of life gets in the way, not enough time in the day. 

I think when You enjoy something, you make it a priority -it is that simple when you get down to it. When I wanted more sex than him, I would JUMP anytime it was convenient for him, early morning, set the alarm 45 minutes early -whatever. Might have to get a little "creative", but so do-able.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

Well, having kids definitely can lower the amount of sex. Since we had our first and only one, sex is on a constant way down. It's been 5 months since the last time!! Wife is talking about another one, but i'm honestly afraid to even think about that. Think what you will, but now I've been turned down so many times that I'm even afraid to initiate anything, I have no clue how to approach my wife sexually anymore, seems like anything i do is off by a mile, i'm out of ideas and truth be told - out of willingness. It's even getting interesting - for how long it's possible to go w/o sex before the situation resolves one way or another. I'm on a verge of divorce, I could somehow manage to be a sunday dad for one (although that is the hardest part.. Little ****** sometimes drives me nuts, but i so much like and love him), but definitely not for two kids. Do i love my wife? Not sure anymore, actually, i've lots of feelings for her, jealousy, craving for her, desire.. I'm seeing a therapist now just to get myself together because, oh, man, place I'm in right now is not the one I'd wish even my enemy to be in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Some backround for those interestred (other ppl troubles are always interesting, esp if your own are lesser or non existent in the given area ). Our son is three and he's recently developed a "i! Need! Mommy!" "syndrome", ie he's in our bed in the evening to fall asleep and in the morning before we're up, i've tried to change that, but it ends up w/ the little one crying (he knows how to use that approach to get what he wants), and then i see that look in wife's eyes and i'm getting all like "ok f**k that, i give up.." I look at my family and i feel cheated with my own son, how sick is that?? We bith are working parents, i take care of mortgage payments, most of the food and bills, i cook and i take care of dishes, i watch the kid when she wants to go out - shopping, beauty, or when she's late at work, she pays for the nanny and housekeeper, long story short, i feel i'm having my part of responsibilities covered allright, whereas from her it's always tiredness and back aches (the last one is really so, it is hard to fake, but docs can't really find anything). The worst is - she seems ok w/ the situation. FIVE MONTHS!! I'm losing my mind here. Sure thing i don't want to go out or initiate together-activities, because what's the point.. I admit that since the kid i withdrew because there was only the kid. I've been told to grow up and behave like one, because It's A Child! True that, but hey, i'm here as well.. Having the feelings and needs.. And now i hear that i'm not interesting to her anymore. Lay the brutal truth upon me - am i bad case of doormats here or what?

Ranting seems to help.. Kinda released the knot inside


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

mrcow said:


> Lay the brutal truth upon me - am i bad case of doormats here or what?


Yep. 

Your situation isn't unusual. Kids can make sex harder in general, although 5 months is beyond the pale.

There are two possibilities. The first is that your wife naturally and unintentionally latched onto her role as mommy so hard that she doesn't even consider her role as wife anymore. The second is that your wife intentionally used you to obtain a child and now has no further use for you except as a paycheck. The first is more likely, but the second is possible.

I can tell you that you're doing too much. You shouldn't be the primary earner and also the primary housekeeper and babysitter. That likely means your wife views you as the help and doesn't respect you, and isn't attracted to you. Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good ideas on how to regain control of your household. 

Good luck.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

btw, thanks for the book recommendation. 
there are chapters that seem to be 1:1 description of my behaviour and wife's response to that


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