# Finances... $1 for $1?



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Any one out there making a lot more than there spouse? I make twice as much. I wonder how you handle spending.

ie if one spouse spends $20,000 on a vehicle, do you assume you now have $20,000 to spend on something?

Would most marriages be fairly equal in spending? 

I am the greater spender and my spouse is wanting an equal accounting of $1 for $1 spending, whatever I spend she gets to spend. If I spend $4,000 on clothes in the year, she would get the same, and could be used to be whatever. $20,000 on a vehicle, she would get $20,000 to be spent as she sees fit.

Just interested to know how everyone else deals with spending in the relationship, especially when one spouse makes much more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In a marriage, it works best if both spouses put all of their income into a joint account. It does not matter who earns more or less.

Then together they come up with a joint budget. Agree on some percentage of every pay that goes into savings that is in both of your names... 10-20%. Then pay all the bills. What ever is left over is split equally between the two of you.

So yes if you get a $20,000 car, so should she.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi

I have always made more than hubby, in fact he will be the stay at home parent in a few weeks.

We have never questioned what the other person spends as we are both sensible. I think it is reasonable that your wife expect to spend the same on herself as you do. 

The money isnt yours or hers, its family income.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> In a marriage, it works best if both spouses put all of their income into a joint account. It does not matter who earns more or less.
> 
> Then together they come up with a joint budget. Agree on some percentage of every pay that goes into savings that is in both of your names... 10-20%. Then pay all the bills. What ever is left over is split equally between the two of you.
> 
> So yes if you get a $20,000 car, so should she.


You had me agreeing until the last line. It's NOT about equal purchases, it's about need and use and smart spending. Maybe the second car should be more or less expensive, depending on usage and need of the primary user, mostly.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has no income, so whatever bread comes into our relationship, I earned. If we both earned an income, I'd think it would all be family money and whatever went out would be family expenses. Whatever was left over would be family savings. 

If my wife needs clothes, she buys them. If I need clothes, I buy them. Our needs are not the same, so our expenses in that regard would hardly be the same. Trying to spend equally would be a marvelous way to end up in the poor house, I'd think. If my wife needed a $20K car but my clunker was still fulfilling my needs, why would I unnecessarily double the expense? If she developed cancer and required $200K in treatment, would I feel the need to run out and get cancer, too?


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

I've always thought it was silly to legally, and in some cases, spiritually, bond with someone, and then go to great lengths to remain separate. My wife and I don't worry about our respective incomes. We both earn money and it goes into a joint account. If I want to buy a reasonably priced item that is mostly for me, I just do it. Ditto for my wife. If the cost is significant, we discuss the matter. There is no quid pro quo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> You had me agreeing until the last line. It's NOT about equal purchases, it's about need and use and smart spending. Maybe the second car should be more or less expensive, depending on usage and need of the primary user, mostly.


OK, I agree with this... and will add that it should be mutually decided.

My point was that she should not get a lessor car simply because she earns less.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> Any one out there making a lot more than there spouse? I make twice as much. I wonder how you handle spending.
> 
> ie if one spouse spends $20,000 on a vehicle, do you assume you now have $20,000 to spend on something?
> 
> ...


What percentage of the joint income do you earn?

How do the two of you handle your money right now?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Regardless of who earns what, I'd think the most intelligent course of action would be to get out of debt as rapidly as possible and to accumulate as much wealth as rapidly as possible. A job today doesn't mean a guaranteed job tomorrow. Good health today doesn't mean good health tomorrow. Buy what you need and can afford with as little debt as possible. A small house you own or a used car you own trumps any house or cars the bank owns.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What percentage of the joint income do you earn?
> 
> How do the two of you handle your money right now?


I earn 70% of joint income.

We have a joint account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> I earn 70% of joint income.
> 
> We have a joint account.


I would need more info to know how you handle your finances. 

Does she have free access to the joint account? 

Why has this come up? It sounds like you are spending a lot of money and telling her that since she earns 30% of the income she cannot spend as much as you do. Is this right?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Personally I believe that equity is far more important than equality in many cases. That goes for adults and children. My kids have different needs and expenses so we spend on them what is required to meet those needs, not just because one got x$ spent on them.

Same for adults, if he needs new clothes he buys them, does not mean I have to then go out and spend the same amount of money.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I would need more info to know how you handle your finances.
> 
> Does she have free access to the joint account?
> 
> Why has this come up? It sounds like you are spending a lot of money and telling her that since she earns 30% of the income she cannot spend as much as you do. Is this right?


Yes.

Always have. Not at all, we are joint. Only come up because she is pushing for a true account of $1 for $1. And I am with other posters in that sometimes I would spend more on stuff, sometimes she...at the end of the day we have not tracked it but certainly more towards me. We are financially very well.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Holland said:


> Personally I believe that equity is far more important than equality in many cases. That goes for adults and children. My kids have different needs and expenses so we spend on them what is required to meet those needs, not just because one got x$ spent on them.
> 
> Same for adults, if he needs new clothes he buys them, does not mean I have to then go out and spend the same amount of money.


So this is my exact take. But my spouse believes that is not the case..she would like the same amount to spend as she sees fit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> So this is my exact take. But my spouse believes that is not the case..she would like the same amount to spend as she sees fit.


Do the two of you agree on large purchases? Or do you and/or she just spend whatever you want?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Not having a personal dig at your spouse OP but this type of thinking indicates a sense of entitlement and selfishness.

Look at it the other way around, in a true partnership the end goal is to have a good, long, fun life together. If all the money gets spent "just because" then that is taking away funds from the future of the partnership.

Every $ spent "just because" is a dollar less for retirement and living a better overall lifestyle. 

When we go out for dinner his meals always cost more because he is a meat eater and I am a veggo, should I get an extra $20 in my pocket at the end of the night because my dinner cost less?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What happened after last month's thread where you wanted a divorce and she wanted you to stay until she offed herself? How did spending equality enter the fray?

Didn't you have an earlier thread where she bought a bunch of furniture and yet griped about you buying new towels?

Man, I gotta tell ya, that is some zoo you live in. Good Luck in figuring this stuff out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> What happened after last month's thread where you wanted a divorce and she wanted you to stay until she offed herself? How did spending equality enter the fray?
> 
> Didn't you have an earlier thread where she bought a bunch of furniture and yet griped about you buying new towels?
> 
> Man, I gotta tell ya, that is some zoo you live in. Good Luck in figuring this stuff out.


Ok, yea... that story.

We've been all over this with you before as I recall.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Maybe she is bothered that you are spending too much money, and if she spends the same amount like you do, it will help you understand how much you are spending. 

Personally I don't think that you get to spend more just because you earn more. You spend what you need. She spends what she needs. We are always confused with wants and needs. What you want is not what you need. I find that the less desire I have, the happier I become. The kind of peaceful feeling you get from living a simple and carefree life can't be described. It's not showy, but there is a lot of joy. 

As for spending, we spend whatever it is necessary. coffee, wine, dark chocolate, fruit, and other good food. We try to eat healthy stuff. We also try to buy nice clothes, within in reasonable price. But when my husband wanted a Harley, I said no to him. Because it would be an unnecessary purchase, I didn't care that he made more money and he could afford it. Sometimes we have to understand that we can't always get what we want.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sunnyroses said:


> So this is my exact take. But my spouse believes that is not the case..she would like the same amount to spend as she sees fit.


OK, then she is wrong. 

If I'm reading this right, I'm kinda glad you phrased it in the vague way you did, which actually made you look like the bad guy.

Regardless of who makes what amount of money in an agreed-upon partnerhip, you buy what you need. It's not a dollar for dollar split. That's so ridiculous. If she's not being deprived, it's even more ridiculous.

And I'm a woman who spent most of my life make less than my partner. (We're currently more even although I still make less)

If you're a man who is throwing in her face that you make more than her so she needs to spend less than you, shame on you. Doesn't sound like that, though. 

She doesn't need to make sure she "spends up" to even the score. That's immature and materialistic.

Let me know if I'm not interpreting this correctly.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

In a marriage, both incomes go into one pool of money for the household. If either of you keep a nominal percentage separate for spending money, so be it. 

Manage all money as income for the household, all purchases as expenses. I don't see the logic of spending equal amounts on his/her cars or his/her clothes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all. 
Our system which works for us:

Combine incomes. All ongoing, required and joint expenses come out of that account (food, mortgage, car repairs etc).

Large items like vacations need to be agreed on by both (but this is never an issue).

Set aside fun money for both which is split evenly. Each can spend on pretty much anything they want for their own hobbies, etc.

A minimal new car comes out of the joint fund (like a new econobox). Any better car is out of the individual fun money.

Seems to work.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Fair" is just a place where people go to eat cotton candy and ride the Merry-Go-Round. The word really has no place in marriage. If someone is counting who has the most jelly beans today, they probably aren't ready to be married. It's a partnership, not a competition and either both parties are winning together or they are both losing together.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I thought you had decided to kick her selfish ass to the curb and be done with this nonsense. What happened, did you decide you need someone to give you hell so you better stay?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I make about 20x what my wife makes. All of my earnings go into our normal joint account. We don't keep track of spending on a per person basis, but I probably spend more. There aren't any limits set.

All of her earnings go into "her" account, which is also a joint account. She guards her account like a hawk though and is the only one allowed to spend out of it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I make about 20x what my wife makes. All of my earnings go into our normal joint account. We don't keep track of spending on a per person basis, but I probably spend more. There aren't any limits set.
> 
> All of her earnings go into "her" account, which is also a joint account. *She guards her account like a hawk though and is the only one allowed to spend out of it.*


So you have a "mine is mine and yours is ours" wife.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> So you have a "mine is mine and yours is ours" wife.


Kind of. I mean, if she made significant money then it would be a bigger deal. She uses the money for things she would spend on anyway so it's fine. It makes her feel better when she gets a message or hair color or whatever to know she's using "her" money. But it's not like I moderate my spending in any way, so whatever helps her sleep at night is fine with me.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I make about 20x what my wife makes. All of my earnings go into our normal joint account. We don't keep track of spending on a per person basis, but I probably spend more. There aren't any limits set.
> 
> All of her earnings go into "her" account, which is also a joint account. She guards her account like a hawk though and is the only one allowed to spend out of it.


This is exactly our situation too. Well, except I don't guard my account like hawk, he could spend out of it if he wanted to I guess.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking from the perspective of 2 savers getting married here...

My husband earns approx 94% of our Income.. Everything has been "Joint" from the beginning.... never been a hint of "his or her" money in our house.. 

I have pretty much handled everything money wise ... I pay every bill.... I don't think he has ever balanced the check book...decide what CD's to put our money into, research the best deals online... make the phone calls for estimates, etc...

My Husband's saying about me is "My wife can squeeze a dime out of a nickle"... he knows I would never waste money ....he also knows I would cause an awful ruckus if I felt we were in any sort of debt.. He's never had to worry about me going on a lavish shopping spree , or hiding anything here.. 

If anything, I have bought something in a moment, told myself "Stupid purchase, don't need this"...and I'd take it back.. I could not be married to a frivolous spender -unless he had money to burn (this I know)...

So when he or I want ANYTHING.. from planning a family vacation to Disney, to getting a $15,000 retaining wall built on our property (did that a few yrs back, largest cash purchase EVER for us).. it's never been an issue....as we BOTH always have our "torrential downpour savings" in the back of our minds.....

We both will do anything to NOT pay interest... we'd buckle down, my taking a full time job if I had to and/or sacrificing whatever if we found our savings being eaten up...

When it comes to little stuff ... I may mention something in passing.. like the good deals I picked up....most of the time we shop together anyway..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Kind of. I mean, if she made significant money then it would be a bigger deal. She uses the money for things she would spend on anyway so it's fine. It makes her feel better when she gets a message or hair color or whatever to know she's using "her" money. But it's not like I moderate my spending in any way, so whatever helps her sleep at night is fine with me.


People who exhibit signs of selfishness when they have little rarely are any more generous when they have a lot.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> People who exhibit signs of selfishness when they have little rarely are any more generous when they have a lot.


It's not quite that simple. I do see how you could come to that conclusion and I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes feel that way. When my account is empty from paying for her car and Amex bill and I get an earful for using her account for lunch.

But here's the thing; you have to step back and look at it through her eyes. When we met she made good money, better than me (I was in the military). When I graduated college, she became pregnant at the same time, and was laid off from her 9 year job in a RIF (she was civil service). She instantly became a SAHM, and for years she felt guilty about spending money on herself. No matter how much I tried to encourage her to spend whatever she wanted or needed, she rarely did. When kid #3 went to school and she found herself with time, she went back to work part time. I can see now how using money she earned to do things for herself can be very rewarding. Anyway, I don't think it's a selfish thing, I think it's a guilt thing.

By the way, when we were first married and I was a student working part time, and she made twice what I did, she was really selfless with our family money.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She subsists off your income for years but you get an earful if you need a little bread from her's? Sounds exactly that simple. Maybe she was generous back in the day. Maybe she was invisible and could fly back in the day. She sounds rather selfish, now.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is a fascinating thread to me. Obviously my GF and I split things down the middle. I have wondered what we would do, finance wise, should we ever get married. It certainly differnt than it would be in my first marriage. It's interesting what others do in this regard.


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