# Is husband emotionally unavailable or 'normal'? And how can I stop obsessing about it



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

It's taken me awhile to realize that maybe this is what I mean when I say my husband doesn't open up as much as I'd like him to. 

While I say these things, I should add a lot of them have improved over out marriage, but it's still not where I would like them to be...

--He is not a great communicator. He'll share his feelings when I ask but otherwise when it comes to feelings he's reserved. 

--We've been together for awhile, close physically, have two kids, he treats me well, a good dad but sometimes I feel like it takes a lot of prodding to get him to open up.

--The biggest reason I think is is because he grew up in an abusive home (his dad) and his family is just not the kind that shares emotions are anything, its more like they're just dry with each other. Not necessarily cold but not warm like a family should be.

How can I tell if he's this or just another typical guy?


I just wanted to add that I told him about this. He reluctantly agreed to seek counseling together. I told him I feel like I finally have the words to make sense of what I feel is lacking between us. 

He understands and sees my point. I think because its going to take work/effort he's not thrilled BUT he sees it as "he will do whatever it takes to make this better". 


He admits he is closest to me emotionally but probably still has some walls up. Maybe its related to how he was raised. I worry that if we dont work on this he may eventually find someone to be emotionally available for--but he says no--he's just not sure how. Its like he never was, never saw it growing up and its totally new. 

I said I worry that I put effort intothis because I am happy but not happy as I think we could be. He understands and says he will try. He admits he had never put effort into it so far because everything was 'fine' and 'good' so most of the time its been coasting for him. Im not unrealistic and think he's going to completely change but there has to be some considerable changes. 


Also I wouldnt say he's always P/A but sometimes when we talk about our marriage he listens (passive) and says a little and the only time he adds a lot is when he's angry (aggressive). I think I'm describing it correctly. 


ANY advice?? Please and thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He is a product of his environment. He probably learned at a very early age to keep quiet and it will take time for him to open up. MC is the way to go. You have to try to see things through his eyes. He was programmed to be a certain way. I am sure he knows his behavior is not right but he will need to learn the tools to communicate better. All the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

richie33 said:


> He is a product of his environment. He probably learned at a very early age to keep quiet and it will take time for him to open up. MC is the way to go. You have to try to see things through his eyes. He was programmed to be a certain way. I am sure he knows his behavior is not right but he will need to learn the tools to communicate better. All the best.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you. I think you're right, we've been married for almost 10yrs, I'm not sure why it took this long to 'get' what is really like. He's still a good husband, father, partner etc...but I feel like we can be closer but he is reserved. 

I hope MC will be enough, we've gone to MC before for other issues but I know realistically we have to do work on our part too. 

I am having trouble obsessing about this and thinking like its 'doomsday', like sad about this revelation :scratchhead:


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

​Wow, I could have written your post. Although I am not married I have (had, actually) the same problem with my significant other (SO). He is very affectionate, shows me in actions that he cares about me but he is not verbally expressive. I need verbal affirmations every once in a while. I hung on for so long because I just kept repeating that actions speak louder than words but my love language is verbal and physical. His is physical and action oriented. I'm guessing that is how it is with you and your husband too? 

My SO had a terrible childhood. Abusive mom, in and out of foster care, etc. I do understand why he is like he is. I expressed how I felt and tried to help him but he just refuses to do anything about it. So, yeah, I had to say goodbye. 

But for you, I hope that through counseling your hubby will get more comfortable expressing his feelings. Maybe it can start through dedicating a song to you, then getting a card, then writing an email/letter. The more he does it the easier it will be for him to open up. Small steps. 

Try and stay optomistic. It sounds like you have a wonderful man who acknowledges this issue within himself. But you also need to be patient at the same time. It takes a long time and a lot of work to unlearn a behavior. 

I wish you both the best of luck. In the meantime, just concentrate on all the wonderful qualities he gives you and the kids now.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Also I wouldnt say he's always P/A but sometimes when we talk about our marriage he listens (passive) and says a little and the only time he adds a lot is when he's angry (aggressive). I think I'm describing it correctly.


That's not really passive/aggressive. PA people never face conflict directly. Instead, if they are upset about something, they will try to undermine you and get their anger out at you in a different way without ever addressing the real reason they are angry.

For example, if your husband is angry at you because you went to happy hour after work instead of coming home to have dinner with him, he won't tell you he's angry. When you call to say you'll be late because you're going to happy hour, he'll tell you that's fine, sure, whatever. But then he'll do something to deliberately that he KNOWS will make you angry, like "forgetting" your birthday or something.

If your husband has walls up and isn't communicating well with you, likely he has some emotional intimacy issues. That will take a while for him to resolve, if he even recognizes that he has an issue. A therapist can help him see that he is "safe" in revealing his thoughts and feelings. You can also help him realize this by listening without judgment...eventually, he may get the hang of it. If he has deeper problems that are causing the intimacy issues, then a therapist might be the way to go.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

To answer the original question, there's not necessarily a need to pathologize your husband. Every aspect of human nature has some distribution, and some fall further away from the mean than do others. 

I have found this question to be the counterpoint to the sex question for a lot of men. Many women simply don't understand how a man could be so apparently distant from his emotions just like many men don't understand how some women lack a substantial sex drive. 

If I drop a hammer on my toe, I don't need to spend 30 minutes dissecting the minutiae of my child hood to know that it hurts and I'm angry. Likewise, if I feel a certain closeness to my spouse after having a fun day together, I may know that it feels good to be around each other, and chances are I haven't dissected the problem any further than that in my mind. If you ask "why do you love me?" the answer might be "because you don't ask me to tell you why I love you too often."

Some of use really just don't spend all that much time thinking about why we feel the way we feel. We just let it happen. Being asked to articulate all the nuances of why is hard work that we don't find particularly useful.

In other words, your husband's apparent distance from his emotions might be YOUR problem, not his. If he shows you that he cherishes you through all of his day to day actions, maybe he is telling you how in feels and you're just not prepared to hear it in the way he's articulating the answer.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I really appreciate all of the responses. After more pondering while he had to work this weekend, I came to some better conclusions. I have to say, after thinking these thoughts (below), I already feel like we're connecting better emotionally and physically  I wrote this (below) over the weekend and I'm going to continue to see how we *both* can work together when problems arise, instead of 'blaming' it on one person. Thanks again!


After obsessing for a few days about husband's 'flaws' in our marriage/relationship and obsessively worrying, I'm reading stuff on here and realizing some things...


--I also take ownership in any communication problems as well. It's not like I'm this perfect person/spouse that hasn't done anything wrong. I've also made some poor choices, used some bad behavior that may have even contributed to some problems.

--I want him to open up more emotionally but I didn't look back and realize how many times I've criticized him, judged him, told him he was wrong etc when he shared his thoughts. This is NOT okay. I thought I was winning at the time, but now I see he let stuff go so I could temporarily win because I was acting crazy...and in the long run I lost by pushing him away and making him become more guarded around me. But I understand this now and thank God husband is committed to me still. He understand we're not perfect but doesn't make me feel badly because of it. 

--I need to give husband more credit. Every time something comes up, he does hear me out, he does try (little or big) to improve, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn't, but he tries. He may not love some of the things we have to do to better ourselves but he's committed to making this last because we love each other. That has to count for a lot. I overlook this a lot and try to focus on 'what is perfect'. Not a good idea.

--Having more physical intimacy/sex with my husband brings us closer. And sometimes its just this we need to be doing more of. Will it solve EVERYTHING? No, but help us be closer, less stressed, feel like more of a 'team'? Probably. So I'm committed here because now I realize how much this matters in marriage.

--There are still some things he does/doesn't do that upsets me, but we're both a work in progress. I have to try harder to let go of it (they're not HUGE things but matter to me. For example, if we have a meeting together about our daughter's special needs committee, it's usually me doing 100% of the talking. We leave and he tells me his thoughts about it (before and after) but just clams up during the meeting--this upsets me, it makes me feel like I'm battling them (to get more help) by myself). But I need to learn not to hold this against husband. Either give him time, keep telling him how it bothers me but don't be so reactive OR just let it go completely. 


I just felt like sharing. I feel like I've been going nuts a little this pregnancy and harping and obsessing about things. Hopefully it's just a temporary moment of insanity but I just needed to write this down and get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.


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