# Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...



## smartcookie25

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and lately there were some things that have come up from years of him being controlling and demeaning and just plain verbally and mentally abusive not horrible but still there. In the past 7 months we have not been intimate and for reasons of his behavior in the past just making the whole process a negative experience for me. Well I just recently found on his computer that he has been secretly videotaping me for his personal pleasure I assume when I am in our closet dressing and in the bathroom showering. This has been a very disturbing discovery for me and I don't know what to do next? I know I confronted him before and he told me it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but somehow he justified it because it was in our house and it was me and not an affair or anything but it continued because i found more since he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do next??/


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## cb45

usually i am not here in R & A forum......is this an addiction in yer view?

quickie answer is no. closet/bathroom scenes r def out in most peoples opinions, unless of course u look anything foxy like that
Dr Kate Wachs (photo up above) and have been making yer man wait, hmmm, say 2 mths or more for some "luvins" :ezpi_wink1:.

1/2 kiddin on that one.......:lol:

i think many a rel'shp (and their counselor) could use video/audio recordings as a better way to coach themselves outta the lovebusters that they dont fully realize they r doing or how often.

i'd really like to try this at my home, but think we're past this pt in our declining rel'shp.

so maybe u'll consider taping him doing all the sh*t he does and u'll have it for proof if necessary.


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## smartcookie25

This is an addiction cb45 - and I'm just plain tired of it! When I told him enough was enough back in Jan after my mothers passing is when he was cut off and rightfully so! So people may disagree with that....but it was very dysfunctional and it had to stop. So by him doing the recent stuff just shows me that he still has a very strong urge with all of that. Like I said before its been declining also for a very long time - i checked out at least 1 1/2 ago and started to go to a therapist on my own - so I tried numerous time now I'm just plain sick over it all. Its sad actually...because he does have a beautiful wife and two beautiful healthy children.

i have been doing some search and recovery of my own and i cant put into words how it feels to realize that your being taped in your own closet and by your husband no less - talk about dis-respect! ugh.....


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## swedish

Hi smartcookie,

I would feel the same way. He is pretty much ensuring that no part of your life is private, isn't he? I would view this as another sign of controlling behavior since he is putting his own pleasure he gets from doing this above respecting you and your privacy.

I am glad you have sought out a therapist to help you sort things out. Has he done the same or have you done any marriage counselling together? He seems stuck in his ways even when he knows they are not healthy behaviors for your marriage & the other side of this is the lack of intimacy within your marriage...work needs to be done on both issues.


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## faith4truth

I just read this aloud to my husband who made a joke (I hope he was kidding) about it and I told him flat out i would go to the police that HAS to be illegal screw that!


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## unbelievable

It's not legal, it's not respectful, it's not "right", it's creepy, and disgusting, it's the ultimate invasion of your privacy. It's depersonalizing, much like his other demeaning, abusive, controlling behaviors. All of these behaviors indicate that he devalues you as a human being and that you're basically reduced to an object for him to do with as he pleases. It would be unacceptable for him to treat a stranger this way and it's certainly unacceptable for him to treat someone he allegedly loves in this manner. Not sure where you live, but in my state, his little hobby is a felony. I hope this little perv hasn't shared the fruits of his hobby with other pervs, but if he'd secretly video-tape his own wife, I figure he's capable of pretty much any other violation of trust and privacy.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I could understand secretly taping if he thought you were having an affair, or secretly taping your abusive husband beating you to show the cops, or something along those lines. Even taping a drug addict to show them how pathetic or scary they are. 

But what he's doing to you falls into none of those categories. What he's doing is a total invasion of your privacy. It does nothing to solve the intimacy problems you two already have, and in fact, only serves to make them worse. I also, as mommy22 said, would be concerned that he was sharing them with others, or that in the event of a break up or even just a big fight, he might then post them on the internet out of spite. 

He is very, very wrong, and if he can't see that, then you two have got some major hurdles to overcome.


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## Fordsvt

That is scary-he should at least ask for consent.
Be careful about the sex angle too.
You don't need that!


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## woodstock

Sorry, but that's SICK!!!!!!


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## Fordsvt

I agree-it's just not right. He needs consent even if you're married. Confront him and see were it goes.


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## LilandNadsDad

I do not condone what he does in any way. But, have you ever considered the possibility he is into voyeurism? You need to approach him directly on this subject. How did you find out you were being recorded? If you can figure out what he does with the recordings without him knowing because I doubt you trust him, it may explain the intent. I am not trying to defend him in any way. But, if he records you and finds it sexually stimulating and that's as far as it goes, you may see it in a different light. But this is a long shot. I would, if I were you, get copies as evidence in case you need them in the future. Good luck on such a disturbing issue.


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## tacoma

I don`t think it`s illegal since it`s his house.

I think its disgusting and demeaning and a serious dealbreaker.

I`d check his internet history to find out where he`s uploading these vids.


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## Catherine602

He has no respect for you if he does this. He also sees you as an object for his sexual pleasure and not a person with autonomy or feelings. I think you need to get him out of the house he is invasive and can not be trusted. You also don't know what he is doing with the pic. He may be posting them on the internet. He is not safe to live with. 

What he is doing is perverted and unacceptable. When you live with someone you expect them to protect you privacy if they care about you. Your husband cares about him self only. 

Get him out and then thnk. Do you want to live the rest of your life hiding out in your own house because a man with a perversion and no respect for you lives with you . Is he worth it. Would you be happier with him gone. What are the ages of your kids and gender are you sure they are safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit

I would find it as an invasion of my privacy if my husband did that. but then I would have to admit that even though it's wrong,pervy, creepy,and an invasion...a small part of me would be flattered that he was watching me so intensely. I'd never admit it to him though and I'd want it to stop but still...I'd be secretly pleased he was so fascinated and consumed by me.


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## karole

What he did was totally unacceptable behavior, spouse or not; however, I have a question. In the infidelity forum recommendations are made to use VAR and keyloggers to gather evidence of infidelity. Why is the videotape considered a "violation of privacy" and VAR and keyloggers are not? Don't want to get bashed, just curious.


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## WhiteRabbit

karole said:


> What he did was totally unacceptable behavior, spouse or not; however, I have a question. In the infidelity forum recommendations are made to use VAR and keyloggers to gather evidence of infidelity. Why is the videotape considered a "violation of privacy" and VAR and keyloggers are not? Don't want to get bashed, just curious.


He's spying on her to get off. VAR/keyloggers are a temporary weapon used when there is possible infidelity. I feel these things are used to protect oneself and to find out if someone is messing around and could possibly expose you to STD's and possibly expose you and your children to a psycho OW/OM. 

He isn't doing this to protect himself.It's pleasurable for him and that's what makes it a violation. He isn't giving her a choice on whether or not she wants to participate in his pleasure,he's just doing it against her will.


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## Grayson

I'll admit...in college, I once recorded audio of my gf and I together. I didn't tell her beforehand, so the knowledge of the recorder wouldn't prompt a "show," but would be genuine. I DID, however, tell her immediately after we were done. She didn't mind, and we had fun listening to the tape again later. But, never did it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie22

Ok so it's smartcookie22 but it's been so long since I have been on here I forgot all of my information and had to create a new profile, but anyway I wanted to give an update of what happened next, so I stayed and made a valiant effort to make it work despite all the dysfunction. Well, guess what he did next?????? after, getting caught with the videotaping I stayed and worked on things - but I just wasnt feeling it and I would cry and pray to my mom daily please just give me a sign or some sort cause my soul was in misery, so one day this past august 2011 I decided to go on his laptop now mind you I hadnt been on there since discovering the videos well, i found some generic porn, whatever...still repulses me BUT I checked his history and found a link with the nickname my dad called me growing up and it struck a cord with me so naturally i clicked on it well it took me to a site called do my wife...apparently he had created a profile with pictures that I had taken for him years ago that he promised where for him only (stupid i know) but i trusted him well I had over 147 friends, comments that make me wanna hurl as they were explicit pics that i had taken for him!!!! I was in SHOCK!!!!!! still am....he is one sick bastard!!!!!! and all on the laptop that my children play on....so needless to say I'm done and I'm outta there and it has not been easy but I dont deserve that and there is nothing he could ever say or do that can repair that kind of damage I'm sorry!!!!


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## tacoma

smartcookie22 said:


> ..apparently he had created a profile with pictures that I had taken for him years ago that he promised where for him only (stupid i know) but i trusted him well I had over 147 friends, comments that make me wanna hurl as they were explicit pics that i had taken for him!!!! I was in SHOCK!!!!!! still am....he is one sick bastard!!!!!!


Yeah, I knew he was uploading them somewhere for the world to see that`s why I said you should check his PC history earlier.

As to the comparison between this and using spying gear to catch a cheater the difference is intent.

The OP`s husband here was taping her to get his rocks off by exposing her to a hoard of other pervs which is immoral and disrespectful to her.

Taping a spouse to discover whether or not your being disrespected is an entirely different story

I wouldn`t hesitate to even use a video camera to catch a cheating spouse(Although that has it`s own risks)


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## smartcookie22

I just dont know if I should involve the law??? I mean I think he could potential lose his job and that would hurt myself and the kids plus our reputation!! I just dont know???


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## tacoma

smartcookie22 said:


> I just dont know if I should involve the law??? I mean I think he could potential lose his job and that would hurt myself and the kids plus our reputation!! I just dont know???


I`m not sure you`d have a case anyway.

I suppose it depends on where you are but as nasty as what he did is I`m thinking it`s not illegal.


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## smartcookie22

i have spoken to an attorney and it is illegal especially since there was audio....it would cost me a fortune to fight it thought so I dont think I will, but I feel like he should pay for the damage he has caused me i wake up in cold sweats at night sometime and i always feel like im being watched it is not a good feeling!!!


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## tacoma

smartcookie22 said:


> i have spoken to an attorney and it is illegal especially since there was audio....it would cost me a fortune to fight it thought so I dont think I will, but I feel like he should pay for the damage he has caused me i wake up in cold sweats at night sometime and i always feel like im being watched it is not a good feeling!!!


Then I`d use the threat of the law to get whatever you can from him.

First thing you should do is have that lawyer contact the site he was posting to and have them remove the videos.

Next thing you should do is tell your ass of a husband that if the videos have been posted anywhere else and you discover it you will press charges so he`d better fess up now and have them removed ASAP.

Then have that lawyer write up a ridiculously one sided divorce agreement in your favor and let your ass of a husband know if he doesn`t sign you`ll bring the law down on him.

I`d destroy him if I were you...I`d totally destroy him for this.


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## YinPrincess

I am so sorry he did this to you... I can completely relate to your feelings on betrayal and disgust. The fact that he was uploading them is taking it too far. It may cost a fortune to fight/prove, but if you're going through a divorce it could help your case, and quite possibly make him ACCOUNTABLE for his actions. Furthermore, if it becomes a legal proceeding, it may be a wake-up call to him, and I sincerely hope he does not do this to anyone else.

I must admit, my first thoughts reading this thread were, "at least he's not watching someone else" but the fact that he's posting these online can be so damaging to you... What if a boss or family member saw these? I would fight for it, just my opinion. Even if that meant a judge and jury viewing the evidence... But that's just me. What does your counselor think???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie22

Thank you Yin it means allot!!! This has been so gut wrenching and soul draining experience for me....yet he still taunts me and doesnt take me seriously and until its official I try to cope for the best interest of our children...but god it's so hard! I hate him dont want to talk to him he makes my skin crawl but yet he is the father of my children.....UGH! so my attorney said it would be a separate issue from divorce complaint it would be a tevis claim, and it can be drawn out and end up costing allot of money....I feel sick all the time I just want him to go away or at least leave me alone, but he doesnt he is in denial....im just so torn!


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## YinPrincess

Has the account with your videos been removed??? Wishing you the best, sweetie. I also had a creepy ex like this, but he never posted anything online... Thank goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie22

Yes, it appears to be the last time I checked....thank you so much for your kind words  and creepy is a good descriptive! did it take him a long time to leave you be??


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## YinPrincess

You're not still living together are you? Please think about your children. It would be really sick if he began taping them too! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie22

Oh no, I've left but he gets visitation of the children though, from what I understand from my therapist is he is into me....it seems to be very specific his type of behavior....i dont know cant believe it even happened!


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## tacoma

smartcookie22 said:


> Yes, it appears to be the last time I checked....thank you so much for your kind words  and creepy is a good descriptive! did it take him a long time to leave you be??


Cookie, you really need to make sure he didn`t post them to other sites.

This is deviancy and deviants don`t easily give up their perversions.

I`d bet a paycheck he has those videos backed-up extensively and probably has posted them elsewhere as well.

Check his browsing history as deep as you can.
Online storage(Dropbox/cloud services)

Check for any stashed flash drives/cd`s


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## YinPrincess

Girl, I left him. And he continued to text and call... Even after I married! Restraining orders are a wonderful thing! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie22

I did the best I could tacoma....but I don't have access to his laptop anymore, since I'm not in the house anymore....i took all the cds etc i could find when i left....all i can do is pray!!!!!


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## smartcookie22

oh boy. im thinking im just going to have to get one....and soon! thanks again


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## tacoma

smartcookie22 said:


> I did the best I could tacoma....but I don't have access to his laptop anymore, since I'm not in the house anymore....i took all the cds etc i could find when i left....all i can do is pray!!!!!


Ok I missed that you were already out of the house.

I don`t blame you for that.

If you`re not going to pursue legal action against him I`d at the very least use the threat of legal action to try to get as much info about where he posted those videos out of him.

I`d also use the threat of legal action to take him for everything he`s got but I`m a vengeful bastard.

If you lead him to believe you have a PI searching the net looking for other copies I`d bet he goes on a deleting spree everywhere he`s ever posted them.

It can`t hurt.

I`m so very sorry he did this to you.


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## smartcookie22

ok thanks tacoma what should i say i used to search his laptop with? thanks!


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## Bartimaus

OP you and he had been married for awhile if I understand correctly. I understand how this has you in shock and am figuring that your face is in the videos he put online so as to be able for anyone to identify you,if that was his intention. If your face is in the videos...is there any chance he may have been planning a separation and divorce?
And,since you had been married for some time,if he didn't do this just to shame you (with your face being in the online videos) has he ever displayed any bi-sexual desires?
I don't know but it seems to me that he did this either to shame you because he wanted a divorce or that he has bi-sex desires and wanted you to do more than you might have been willing to do. Men don't put their 'NAKED' wives pic on the internet just to brag.


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## smartcookie22

Ok I should clarify, I don't know if he posted the video....I don't believe that he did, but he did post pictures that I had taken for him to a wife swapping website I believe the videos were for his viewing. I could be completely wrong....he does not want a divorce he just wants me....maybe he has bi- desires...idk? he did comment on a pic like he was assuming my identity on that site and it was a comment on the male anatomy...so IDK???? the whole thing just wiggs me out!!! FREAK!


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## NoIssues

Yes when they are boffing the neighbor in your bed or lying about another deal killer they are well aware of. 

You fight fire with fire.

Its always best to take a gun tio a knife fight


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## Bartimaus

smartcookie22 said:


> Ok I should clarify, I don't know if he posted the video....I don't believe that he did, but he did post pictures that I had taken for him to a wife swapping website I believe the videos were for his viewing. I could be completely wrong....he does not want a divorce he just wants me....maybe he has bi- desires...idk? he did comment on a pic like he was assuming my identity on that site and it was a comment on the male anatomy...so IDK???? the whole thing just wiggs me out!!! FREAK!


IMHO it sounds like he wants to swing.Maybe it's just a fantasy and he wouldn't go through with it,who knows. I had a friend in a similiar situation but it was the wife doing similiar things. He didn't put a stop to it and later on she left him for another man. Not another man that would do that but because she was extremely pernicious.
If your husband loves you and you want to stay together then let him know that you are totally against such a lifestyle and demand he give up his porn and change and then you demand transparency with his passwords and that he allows you to check his computer. But beware,he is living in a fantasy land and may not be willing to give it up.


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## J'Accused

Ok now i found this thread to, as the husband in question let me introduce some fact which my wife has conveinantly(sic) omitted.
In 2010 she sent topless pictures of herself with her name, address and face to a 22 year old bodybuilder she met online, a little reckless?
My wife would encourage me to take sexual pictures of her in lieu of having actual coitus. She is obsessed with body builders and actively tried to get on a site called beautiful people, she even enlisted our children to take the pictures of her she was putting on that site, talk about sick. To this day my wife will not admit this behavior was wrong, but somehow my fault. But despite all this i do still love her, in 2004 after her plastic surgery she wanted me to sell her nude photos on the internet for extra income, to the point were she even wanted to enlist a girlfriend in the process, so please remember when you are reading these claims there is another side of the story and these events do not happen in a vacuum


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## J'Accused

oh also btw Ive been awarded parent of primary residence and the children live with me so i guess the courts found the facts in my favor


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## J'Accused

Again lets look at the language here

"I stayed and made a valiant effort to make it work despite all the dysfunction." 
What is a valiant effort, going around being a grump? holding resentment against the other person showing no affection or interest, being obsessed with your own physical training and trainers?

here some more

"but I just wasnt feeling it and I would cry and pray to my mom daily please just give me a sign or some sort cause my soul was in misery"

duhh of course you wernt feeling it, you married a man you were not physically attracted to, heres a clue "THATS IMPORTANT" if you want bodybuilders you married the wrong guy, dont blame me because you are so out of touch with what you want that you feel like you settled. So because you hid your feeling for the better part of 20 years you defrauded and deprived another person a chance at happiness because you wanted to be safe and defraud a man who was deeply in love with you. Shameful


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## swedish

J'Accused said:


> so please remember when you are reading these claims there is another side of the story and these events do not happen in a vacuum


Point taken...there is always another side and typically we don't ever hear it so we can only respond to the person that is posting with the info they provide us. 

Do you really feel she was not attracted to you from the start? From what you are saying it seems you both grew apart over the years. While it's now clear she had several missteps in your marriage as well, I still find videotaping your spouse without their permission a violation of privacy. If you started dating someone (assuming you are divorced now?) would you ever consider doing this to them or in hindsight do you believe that was crossing the line?


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## J'Accused

Swedish, some very good questions there,

Firstly the attraction question, yes I feel that the initial type of "eros" love was never there, I dont believe she was repusled by me, but in her own mind felt she could "settle" with me. I can only go by her own words for that reasoning, she told me she only married me becaue I was "safe", she has posted on a thread, on this very fourum titled "I have never been physically attracted to my partner" and by the style of men whos she has shown physicall attraction to, shorter, balder, body builder, Im tall and lean with a full head of great hair. Im not judging her we all like what we like but what is vexing is that she was so not in touch with her own mind that she decided to defraud someone for close to 20 years.

Secondly, yes i regret video taping her. I understand bad behavior does not excused bad behavior, but I was so shocked to discover the pictures and discusion she was having with this 22 year old bodybuilder, i was at a lost on how to proceed, i really love this woman, and was under the perception that she just had a low libido, as she told me, turns out she just had a low libido for me. I dont believe we grew apart i think she stayed in the marriage until her mother passed, because her mother approved of me and once that need for parental pleasing was gone, she checked out of the marriage completely. werer talking about a woman who would actually put a pillow over her face during the infrequent time we would have relations, but in my blind love I figured she just had issues and complaining to her about them would only make thing worst, and no we are not divorced yet still separated, but the proceedings have turned ugly and expensive which is unfortunate for our children, but I am completely on defense on this one. I didnt want to get divorced.


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## swedish

Ah, I did see her other post. I still have my doubts as to whether she really was not attracted to you from the start, only because re-writing history is fairly common when a spouse is being unfaithful.

It sure does sound as if she is enjoying the attention of men that she found unattainable in her past...and I am not sure what to make of the pillow over her face...could very likely be insecurity issues although she no longer seems very shy if she is sharing naked pictures of herself with a man she has never met.

Where do you stand today? Are you divorced or separated? Where is she at as far as your marriage is concerned? You both had major breaches of trust within your marriage so you would both need to be willing to put your guard down and have an open conversation about how you got to this point and take ownership of your part in the current state of the relationship.


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## J'Accused

I understand your doubts and like i said , I dont believe she was repulsed by me, if she was attracted to me it was because of my intelligence and status, that gut, physical alpha male attraction certainly was never there and she has admitted such to me, if she was looking at guys on a dating website Im sure I would not grab her attention, as she would say "your alright" a ringing endorsement
indeed. Her teenage obesity had planted the seed of an ideal physiology of a man and Im sure i didnt fit it, but nonetheless we did have 2 beautiful children. We did not have intimacy on our wedding night and only once on our honeymoon, intimacy was 99% of the time initiated by me. Oh yes your right on with her insecurity, but I never ever did anything to damage that even when her weight would flux during the marriage and i paid for her tummy tuck and breast lift, but she never sent a naked picture of herself to me. Where i am now is alone I have no family left, mostly deceased, and not many friends since I adopted her world and her friends, now they seem to gone to her side, I have my kids and that should be enough for now. We are separated, she is wrapped in rage and anger and will not speak to me as she has been advised by her whacko attorney, and I have taken ownership of my responsibility, I made mistakes, been imperfect, but I am an optimist I like to look back at the positives not the hurt, I would more than be willing to forget all past indiscretions, I think 2 people who want the same thing can make anything work, but one person cannot do it on their own no matter how much they want to, and thats where I stand


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## swedish

J'Accused said:


> I think 2 people who want the same thing can make anything work, but one person cannot do it on their own no matter how much they want to, and thats where I stand


That's true. I will be completely honest, the thought of my husband posting naked pictures of me online would be extremely difficult for me to get over. You can't un-ring that bell & who knows how wide-spread these pictures go and if some day a friend, family member, child, employer sees them? I would be beyond upset.

What throws me off is that she willingly sent a stranger naked pictures and has asked you to post such pictures of her online in the past, so I am not sure what the thought process is there.

I saw that you do some running...have you considered joining a running club? Meet new people to run with? Just a thought on getting your own social life going so you don't feel so alone.


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## J'Accused

well, this is the essence of a dysfunctional relationship, I believe my wife felt guilty because she didnt have those desires for me so she compensated by taking pictures and such. Shes not a bad person just confused and somewhat damaged, And she believed, I was over controlling and maybe sending out those pictures was a declaration of her being in control of herself, and she blames me for having to make her choices.

I am starting to develop a life that doesnt include her, but its a process and its a long one, the only problem is trying to heal in the backdrop of a very vicous divorce proceeding


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## jameskimp

Definitely not. He should of at least asked you first


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## J'Accused

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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