# Can't Let Go My EA Totally :( Insight Needed



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I wanted to forget him (OM) and let bygones be bygones. There's just a problem. He showed up in my dreams almost once or twice a month.
When my passion for him almost faded away, he showed up in my dream every now and then, which caused disturbance in the peace of my mind. The dreams were mostly about I desired to find him, get divorced and stay with him... Although it's not true, I don't want to leave my husband at all. Sometimes when the dreams were too real, I would feel blue all day for I couldn't get him out of my mind. I found some parts of my emotion still connected to him. How to remove EA from my heart completedly?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Ms lonely

When my passion for him almost faded away, he showed up in my dream every now and then, which caused disturbance in the peace of my mind. The dreams were mostly about I desired to find him, get divorced and stay with him... Although it's not true, I don't want to leave my husband at all. Sometimes when the dreams were too real, I would feel blue all day for I couldn't get him out of my mind. I found some parts of my emotion still connected to him. How to remove EA from my heart completedly? 

HI

sharing

It sounds like he met a need and you haven't let go of the emotional connection you have. YOu need to figure out what that need is and see why your husband isn't meeting it. YOu also need to figure how why you want to hang onto him.. There is some part of you that doesn't want to let go..It takes time and it will you just need to work with it and not think about him. Replace your thinking with something else. 

Sometimes it is the act of the will and feelings follow later. Have you set some boundaries online about not contacting him etc and have your husband hold you accountable about it

THoughts? 

Judith


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> Hi Ms lonely
> 
> sharing
> 
> ...


I think you have provided me many good points for me to figure out.

Your first good point: I have a need 

The first need would be sex.
My sexual fantasies were all about my EA (although we never do it), I have been idolizing him in bed. 

It's obvious my husband wasn't meeting my sexual needs. Sex is an old routine with my husband. We only have sex twice a month, which is enough, I rather musterbate myself more than doing the routine with him. 

Good things are I don't fantasize him (OM) so much now as I've tried hard to fall back in love with my husband (If before 80% passion for my OM, now would be 10%) and I don't contact him (OM) anymore, but honestly speaking, I'm not very sure if he suddenly contacts me, what I would react.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

Is there a reason why you two are not doing it more than twice a month? Maybe you need to do it more than once a week for while to get it to a point where your need has been satisfy and see what happens then? If you need sex your husband is more than willing to give it to you. NOnsexual needs to be happening.. even along with

What about the nonsexual and even sexual touch without IC but IC too-intercourse. ????

Judith


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> HI
> 
> Is there a reason why you two are not doing it more than twice a month? Maybe you need to do it more than once a week for while to get it to a point where your need has been satisfy and see what happens then? If you need sex your husband is more than willing to give it to you. NOnsexual needs to be happening.. even along with
> 
> ...


Yes, there's a reason. My husband only wants IC on 1 position (he's lazy, he prefers to lie down on the bed, moving his ass from the side to insert me from my back) he's been stick to his only 1 position every time and for many years.

He's very predictable, and he doesn't give me oral sex unelss I request, which is another thing I hate.

As I'm a playful woman who would love many other things in bed, I can try anal sex and I would love to 69 everytime, I like blow job... but I really get bored whenever I think about having sex with him. I don't even care to give him a blow job anymore, only on his request and I would anyhow do it.

I would ask him for sex once a month only when I was extremely horny after my AF.

The 2nd sex would be done during my ovulation as we both want a baby but that is just a task to get his sperms.

I've been begging him to add 1 more position but it never happens. I've been asking him to be more playful, he said yeah yeah yeah I know but never happened. 

So if I'd fantasize any man, that's ALL his fault!!! I have been doing my best not to have a PA, which he should feel very grateful.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Mslonely

Yes, there's a reason. My husband only wants IC on 1 position (he's lazy, he prefers to lie down on the bed, moving his ass from the side to insert me from my back) he's been stick to his only 1 position every time and for many years.

Judith IS there a reason why you two haven't talk about sex outside of sex? 

He's very predictable, and he doesn't give me oral sex unelss I request, which is another thing I hate.

As I'm a playful woman who would love many other things in bed, I can try anal sex and I would love to 69 everytime, I like blow job... but I really get bored whenever I think about having sex with him. I don't even care to give him a blow job anymore, only on his request and I would anyhow do it.

Judith: Can you make a compromise that you would do taht if he would either do more in sex or alternate or do at least two or more things that you request? is that possible?

I would ask him for sex once a month only when I was extremely horny after my AF.
The 2nd sex would be done during my ovulation as we both want a baby but that is just a task to get his sperms.
I've been begging him to add 1 more position but it never happens. I've been asking him to be more playful, he said yeah yeah yeah I know but never happened.

JUdith: Have you explain to him that the reason you sought EA was becuase of varitey of positions etc? MY point with all of this is to get him thinking on how he can help you and prevent another online thing? 

If He is over 30 his testosterone is slowing going down and his desire for sex is becoming "quality" vs quantity

Does he work? Is there something that is bothering him that is contributing to this for years? Have you ask him why he doesn't want to be playful? 


Something is going on inside of him besides lazyness since he has done this from the beginning.. 

Judith


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi Judith,

Thank you very much for your comments and encouragements. 

Last night he finally agreed with me about adding 1 more position because of my constant whining, but I don't know if he would keep his words.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Ok, so there's definitely a reason why he's so stuck on doing it in only one position and i doubt it's about him being lazy. Is there any chance he's afraid of trying new things because he might not be good at it? Was he brought up to believe sex is a bad or dirty thing? Was it always like this?
I remember how your initial thread on this forum sounded but only vaguely, i apologize for that. 

The thing is, if he's only doing it cause you want to, he might not appreciate it all that much. If you can somehow show him that he might find pleasure in it or inspire pleasure in him with changing things, then he might ask for more. Just a theory, i'm not sure how you can do that.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

The theory sounds interesting. The questions you asked are very good, but I didn't think about theses points before, and I need to figure out something very interesting you mentioned. When I asked my husband to be more playful, he did tell me many times about the "marriage concepts" He always used his own parents an example. It's true that my husband was brought up a in a very good but strick family education. His parents are very good parents. For him, marriage life should be focusd on family life with children. Husband & wife can do their own things as his father likes painting and mother likes knitting & house decoration, gardening and cooking. He never saw his parents french kissing or doing something hot and fun in front of him. They're good & serious parents. Pls tell me more about the theory!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

What mommy22 said is exactly what i think as well. You kind of need to understand how he really sees sex to be able to do something about it. Small changes are what i'd do as well.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi ms lonely

He never saw his parents french kissing or doing something hot and fun in front of him. They're good & serious parents. Pls tell me more about the theory!


Judith: Children learn about sex seeing how their parents relate nonsexually. I know I have been there. And how the message is sent in a atmosphere of love or trauma. 

It is vital that couples have sex because it benefits the children. If you want some few list of things I can share some. I know I learned unhealthy sexuality from my parents. 

How your husabnd and you treat the kids by touching them nonsexually will help or hinder them in their future relationships with adults. 

Girls who are healing from trauma and abuse have issues with touch and in couple relationships hunger for touch sometimes the wrong kind of touch. 

Girls who have not been touched by their father in a healthy way seek touch from men and give sex to get touch. 

Girls who have healthy nonsexual touch from their fathers will be able to relax in sex. 

My friend who is a father is able to do that with his daughter... 

SO yes he not seeing healthy touch from his parents and expeirence it has affecting his view of sex. 

Thoughts?

Judith


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

jmsclayton said:


> Hi ms lonely
> 
> He never saw his parents french kissing or doing something hot and fun in front of him. They're good & serious parents. Pls tell me more about the theory!
> 
> ...


Thank you! What you said is quite true, and it just rang me a bell about my daughter.

My husband does receive lots of parenting touches, hugs, kisses because that's their culture.

My husband also believes marriage should be focused on the family & kids, than on the sex because he learnt the example from his own parents but I've tried to tell him that sex is also very important.

Instead, my daughter grew up without receiving any touches, kisses or caresses from a father. (I became a single mother when my daughter was 1.5 years old, my ex-husband never saw her again ever since we divorced.)

Until I met my current husband my daughter was 8 years old already. After we got married, my daughter started to get some ideas about a father's love but when she's already 10 years old.

She would have trouble to recieve a good night kiss or hugging from a man for sure... Anyway, my husband has opened up to me from last week, and for the very first time he finally tried a new IC position I prefer. 

We also increased 1 time this month. We just broke the record for the past years- we have sex 3 times a month. 

My target would be 4 times a month.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

mommy22 said:


> Perhaps you should let him know that just because he never SAW them doing those things didn't mean they didn't. My husband and I will kiss on the lips and hug in front of our children but we don't do anything of a sexual nature in front of them because we feel like it is something shared only between us. I do hope his parents educated him about sex. Perhaps he needs a gentle reminder that sex isn't dirty.
> 
> Maybe you can initiate things slowly with small changes. Perhaps you could try pleasing him in a few areas and see how he reacts. If he has a bad reaction you could explain to him that you're only trying to demonstrate your love physically and you feel that the marriage has been lacking in that area.
> 
> ...


Thanks very much for your many good words, and you had just pointed out my situation, that whenever I thought I already talked to him positively, but he always took it negatively.

I don't know why? I think it's very common that before the wife opens her mouth, the husband would try to cover their ears??? 

No matter what the wife wants to say, the husband tends to take everything as nagging.

I think I need to learn some talking skills because it seems crying is the only thing works. When I cried, he would give in and he would do what I want, which looked like I won but, is not a good situation as well.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Nekko said:


> What mommy22 said is exactly what i think as well. You kind of need to understand how he really sees sex to be able to do something about it. Small changes are what i'd do as well.


Unfortunately, I'm not very sure how my husband really sees sex. He seems try to please me because of my requests.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 


Thank you! What you said is quite true, and it just rang me a bell about my daughter.


She would have trouble to recieve a good night kiss or hugging from a man for sure... Anyway, my husband has opened up to me from last week, and for the very first time he finally tried a new IC position I prefer.

Judith; that will take time on your daughter since it never happen from birth on. Good on your husband

We also increased 1 time this month. We just broke the record for the past years- we have sex 3 times a month.

JUdith: Do you think you could try for more often than that. Maybe let him know your interested-let him finish from there. If you really want to get his attention touch his penis

My target would be 4 times a month. 

Judith: wow. dont forget the nonsexual touch throughout the day on both your parts. Regardless of the sex. 

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Ms Lonely

Have you talk to him outside of the bedroom regarding sex when he is in a good mood or write him a mini letter letting him know that you have questions to ask him about sex that you need answers too. ? They need to be direct and to the point? 

Judith


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