# I guess this is the best area for my intro



## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

well, 11 years ago i would have never thought I'd be posting in a place like this honestly. BUT I need things to be better, so this is me, and my hubby who will be making his account shortly, taking a step in the right direction I hope.

I am Christina or Rocker, I am 28 years old and have been married for 11 years thus far, Hubby and I have 7 kids together, yes they are all his, but I know deep down he has his doubts, he has asked.

I never cheated sexually, but I did cheat emotionally on him, and I know that I am the one who has the blame, even though our marriage was really bad and he had me really down and depressed, I should have gone a different way with it. I met a guy he used to play games with and he treated me and talked to me like I was a human, which i didnt feel very human at that time, he had seen past my depression and such and that was what sparked it. After a lil while and a few meetings I fell for this guy and told my hubby that there was another guy and I loved him and that he needed to leave. It really hurt and hit my hubby and he saw that things had spiraled to rock bottom in our marriage and I saw that he would change, so in the end I chose my hubby, and while I still dont regret my decision, I am still untrusted by him, which, dont get me wrong, I get it, I really do, but I do find it unfair, and whatever theres no other way of saying it but I stayed with him and let him treat me the way he did for 9 years before I made that mistake and part of me feels like he was kinda to blame for me being so vulnerable to it. Anyways, its been 3 years since that happened but its still fresh in his mind I think, and I really dont think he will ever trust me again, I seem to keep making mistakes, none like that one but many others, and I also have borderline personality disorder to top it off, but yea, so heres my intro. Hoping to making new friends on here and giving support as well as getting it. I have been through alot of things in life and may not be able to give advice but can damned well give my experience on subjects.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hi RockerMama, before commenting anything I would like to ask you, have you two been lurking in this Kind of fórums for a while and are familiarized with the terminology used here?.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

nope, fresh and new to here, I googled marriage support forums after thinking about making myself a fb marriage group then realizing whats the point if i dont know even how to get people to join it lol. So no.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well I advice you to read the first two pages of this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

it have all the terminology, and also have a nice guide for WS to help to heal their BS.

your husband reactions are normal, and we sometimes may come as agressives towards the WS (in this case you), but is because many people have been Trickle Truth (you will understand the term once you read the thread) but most people here have good intetions even if not all share the same vision.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

ok I shall go read that then come back and properly reply lol


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Also, for comments, advices and recomendations it will be good if you give us a full time line of the affair, as details of how it statarted and finished and what kind of contacts where made during this time line, what kind of exchanges where performed during the affair (just emotional support, exchanges of feelings, sexting, naked pics) everything that happened during this period.

finally, also will be good to hear from your husband why he believes that the affair went futher and reached a physical level.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> ok I shall go read that then come back and properly reply lol


NP, many people come like you without any kind of knowladge, but that thread is really useful that is why I always recomend it to newbies in the fórum (I mea is not like is an obligation to read it, but belive me it will be useful in the full reconcilation process)


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

oh yea most definatley hehe I just bookmarked it cause I know it will be something I have to go peek at before replying for awhile till I memorize it  I would love for him to join, I asked him to and he will he is just busy at the moment, but all of this, everything is something I want to get past persay, I know the saying goes you can forgive but not forget, I just want to fix things cause I love him bunches. And Ive told him every single thing about the EA but I DO trickle truth the other stuff, meaning the inside stuff, feelings about anything in general, stuff that upsets me, my bpd stuff, etc etc, He wants me to talk to him and Im not good at that, so thats another thing I hope to get from here, having him on here as well may make it easier for me to start talking to him. 

So to answer your question though about the timeline, it was about 3 years ago and I was cut off from the world, my family, no friends, lost myself, and he was really controlling and had stripped me of my self worth and dignity, so I was really low and I was SHing, self harming, and he was addicted to xbox, when he would go to work i would get on his account and play and i would here and there play with his friends, then i started playing with one more than others and the first time we spoke over mic on xbox he had told me "your not who your pretending to be, your sad inside I dont even need to see you to see that" and it hit me, then from that point on for a few weeks it was just talking over xbox n playing games, then it went to on the phone, then I went to visit him, he was only 45 min away and we kissed but that was as far as it went, no racy pics or sexual stuff, but that doesnt make it any less horrible, more so i think because i loved him in the end, and then one day about 2 months after the first time we spoke on xbox I got tired of hubby ignoring me and told him it was over and he needed to go to his moms and then he asked me if there was someone else and i told him yes, within the next few days he would come over n visit and within those days i had told him everything, even after i decided to be back with him we still kept talking about it and everything that happened he knows, im sure he still thinks theres things i havent told him, and i know i am the blame for that, but there is not anything left.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

RockerMama said:


> we kissed but that was as far as it went, no racy pics or sexual stuff, but that doesnt make it any less horrible, more so i think because i loved him in the end, and then one day about 2 months after the first time we spoke on xbox I got tired of hubby ignoring me and told him it was over and he needed to go to his moms and then he asked me if there was someone else and i told him yes, within the next few days he would come over n visit and within those days i had told him everything, even after i decided to be back with him we still kept talking about it and everything that happened he knows, im sure he still thinks theres things i havent told him, and i know i am the blame for that, but there is not anything left.


So you crossed the line and had a PA.

Does your BH know this?

Natural for your BH to have doubts. You have to work at repairing the broke trust.

That means no more on line games. No more opposite sex friends. Giving up all passwords, access to phone. DNA test the kids. GPS your car and cell.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

married way to young. 28-11... 17 years old???? Wat!!!

You cheated. You have 7 kids together so I think online gaming is the least of your worries now. 

It's really up to him. If he doesn't want to be married to you, then you gotta accept it. 

But divorce with 7 kids.... That is going to cost him. Wow. 

And you don't want to be single divorcee with 7 kids. 

So... I don't really know. But you kinda got yourself into a pickle that's for sure.

Full transparacy on your part. DNA the kids. Passwords to cell, all password to social media. No more XBL for you. And counseling I guess. 

Cause I really think neither of you can afford a divorce with 7 kids. Unless he's rich, I know he can't afford it. He'd be paying 1,000s of dollars in child support alone.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi RockerMama. 
Manticore gave you great advice. 
You're a WS so posters will be pretty tough on you as he said.
Also most posters think that 'we kissed' = 'we had sex'. I feel the same. I'm not saying you did any more than kiss - just warning you how it's interpreted. 

Hope TAM can help you guys.
At least you're trying to do something about your marriage. 
It's a start.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First of all, it's good that you came to this forum. That shows you want to make it right with your husband. But be prepared. Some of the posters can be pretty abrupt with WS's. Never the less, if you'll hang in here, you'll get some very good advice.

First, the prior poster is correct in that many will doubt your claim that this wasn't physical. I can't tell you how many times we've seen the claim that - all we did was kiss; actually mean there was sex. More often than not I'd say.

Either way, you need to surrender all notions that your marital issues were in any way the cause of your cheating. You had choices. You could have "talked or walked". Instead you broke your wedding vows and made the selfish choice to cheat. This board has no tolerance for excuse making. You need to own what you did, stop blaming your husband in any way, and make sure your husband knows this. 

Even the mention of your husband's issues is seen as a form of excuse making, despite your subsequent statements to the contrary. So again, don't focus on what you think made you vulnerable to cheating. No one here or your husband will be buying it (at least he shouldn't). Once your husband has dealt with your A and sees that you accept complete responsibility for what you did, THEN you can focus on the marital issues.

That's one of the things you can do to increase trust. The others include:

- Complete transparency with communication devices and accountability for your time away from him 

- Your willingness to be truthful about and discuss the A when your husband wants to

- No gno's, no communication with opposite sex friends

- Being affectionate and sexually open to him

- Be patient and understanding about his triggers and lack of trust

- And in every other way; consistently demonstrating to him that you are remorseful. Occasional apologies when he doesn't expect them would be an excellent way to start

Good luck to you both.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

:iagree:


I new here myself and have been reading around this site for about a few weeks and all I can say is listen to TAMers here. A lot of experience is here.

badmemory is right, you are still trying to justify the reason you cheated. Yes, marriage was broken, but you decided to go outside of the marriage and instead of fixing it. You can not fix your marriage until you come to terms that you cheated on him and that is on you 100%. 

Your EA did turn into a PA. (and I hope you are being truthful with this because most of the cases is "just kissed" means you did a lot more)


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

just losing really means just that with me. He has my fb passwords, I have no friends anymore,I don't go out or talk on the phone or have Xbox or anything really. But I do believe that to every action there is a reaction and not in all cases is the BS completely innocent. I accept blame but feel that he should as well for the 9 years of hell he put me thru. I was emotionally and verbally abused, anyways I am here to learn how to gain his trust eventually. Like I said I am trying my best to be an open book with him. Two wrongs dint make a right, but first both.parties should admit the wrongs. I have admitted mine and see my errors. Have and still apologize for everything. And btw divorce was never even mentioned between us. Only want to work out both of our trust issues with the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> just losing really means just that with me. He has my fb passwords, I have no friends anymore,I don't go out or talk on the phone or have Xbox or anything really. But I do believe that to every action there is a reaction and not in all cases is the BS completely innocent. I accept blame but feel that he should as well for the 9 years of hell he put me thru. I was emotionally and verbally abused, anyways I am here to learn how to gain his trust eventually. Like I said I am trying my best to be an open book with him. Two wrongs dint make a right, but first both.parties should admit the wrongs. I have admitted mine and see my errors. Have and still apologize for everything. And btw divorce was never even mentioned between us. Only want to work out both of our trust issues with the other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Welcome to TAM, Rocker. Sorry about the troubles in your life.

Your husband owns his share of the relationship issues between you two.
You own ALL of the responsibility of the affair.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Welcome to TAM, Rocker. Sorry about the troubles in your life.
> 
> Your husband owns his share of the relationship issues between you two.
> You own ALL of the responsibility of the affair.


:iagree: This is basic TAM wisdom. When an affair occurs in a marriage with problems there is blame on both sides, but blame for different things.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you think about what you would want if he had whatever kind of affair that you had, would you trust him?

It helps to think from the other person's point of view. 

If he told you to leave and there was someone else, and you left, would you trust him now?

Remember that actions speak volumes in your situation. Show him by your actions that he is not your backup plan and that you still love the OM more than you do your H.

I do wish you and your H good luck in your situation.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> If you think about what you would want if he had whatever kind of affair that you had, would you trust him?
> 
> It helps to think from the other person's point of view.
> 
> ...


He may nit have cheated in me but I do not trust him, I get your poimy and have thought about it.lots in the past three years, I always come to the same conclusion, sure I wouldn't trust him not would I want.him to do to me what I did to him, but also I would realize that I did have some part in it, I have apologized countless times for my wrong doings, not just the A but for my other mistakes as well, but it hurts that he hasn't apologized for everything he did to me, I've talked to.him about it and he says well we're starting over, he gets his slate wiped clean and I do not. That is quite unfair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

some users beat me to anwswer you, yes , I have to accept that I am also a believer of the theory that EA reamain as EA when there is a lot of distance between affair partners (like being in another state), as bad memory said it:



badmemory said:


> First, the prior poster is correct in that many will doubt your claim that this wasn't physical. I can't tell you how many times we've seen the claim that - all we did was kiss; actually mean there was sex.


.

we have seen that so so so many times here, that nobody believes anymore that there is just EA if both APs are in the same city. That said there is alwasy an exception to the rule.

Now about this statament:



RockerMama said:


> But I do believe that to every action there is a reaction and not in all cases is the BS completely innocent. I accept blame but feel that he should as well for the 9 years of hell he put me thru._Posted via Mobile Device_


both partners are responsibles for the state of the marriage but just one is responsible for stepping out of it, I am not minimazing his actions, I do believe you when you said he was abusive, but there were alot of options like MC, IC, temporal separation and even divorce instead of cheating.

one of the things we said to the WS is that they have to understand that they can't blame their BS for their cheating, they can blame the BS partially for the bad state of the marriage and as consequence maybe an emotional disconnection but the cheating is 100% on the WS, is a rational serie of choices that he/she made when he/she decided to let a third party to meet his/her emotional and physical needs.

as long as you keep blaming him for the EA he will keep guarding him or even resenting you (unless he is a total doormat).

you remind me to to the user "EI" when she first arrived to TAM, I advice you to read the thread of her husband to see how her relationship progressed and how she stopped justifying her cheating to help to heal her BS whose user is "B1", unfortunatly "EI" deleted her thread but there are alot of information that may give you a new perspective in B1's old thread:

(they have healed their relationship, and EI is a very popular and well liked user here)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48667-wifes-affair-how-move-forward.html


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

sorry.my phone autocorrects ridiculously
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> but it hurts that he hasn't apologized for everything he did to me, I've talked to.him about it and he says well we're starting over, he gets his slate wiped clean and I do not. That is quite unfair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do agree with you here, it is true that the affair is 100% on you, but if you want to improve the marriage you both have to address the problems previous to the affair that lead to your emotional disconnection (the abusive bahaviour, the lack of communication), and improve it.

it looks like he wants to forget that the affair happened without addressing the problems you had previous to the affair, which is what we call "rug sweep", you have to do heavy lifting to help him to heal but he also have to reflect in what made you emotionally disconnected from him.

you commented that he may be joining the fórum, is that right?


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I can somewhat familiarize with EI, I don't feel that I am justifying wth I did tho, I accept the blame to it totally, just merely stating what had gone on in my life leading up to that point. I try my best to be open and. Talk to him about things he asks me, I recently flirted with a guy, told him all the details he asked for, I told him all the details about my past drug abuse, I take responsibility for stuff thahould, I ust feel sometimeslike im. The only one doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

manticore said:


> I do agree with you here, it is true that the affair is 100% on you, but if you want to improve the marriage you both have to address the problems previous to the affair that lead to your emotional disconnection (the abusive bahaviour, the lack of communication), and improve it.
> 
> it looks like he wants to forget that the affair happened without addressing the problems you had previous to the affair, which is what we call "rug sweep", you have to do heavy lifting to help him to heal but he also have to reflect in what made you emotionally disconnected from him.
> 
> you commented that he may be joining the fórum, is that right?


 He will be shortly, he is working and is busy with us currently in the.middle of an international move. I know it seems like maybe bad timing to be getting into all this maybe, but with going to a new place I want to start off better there than leaving here if that makes sense. I want things to be better, I want him to trust me and me to trust him. I don't know if thats what "sweeping" he does bring up in now arguments my cheating.g n stuff so my dirt isn't under the rug...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

RM, it's going to talk time. This going to be a long road both of you are going to go down with a lot of ups and downs. 
May I ask, how long ago was your EA/PA?


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

about 3+ years ago
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RM, looks like you've enjoyed a pretty smooth reception here.  I'm glad to see people aren't coming at you with 2x4s yet, LOL. 

Injustice and trust are two huge hang-ups for us BPDers, and I'm sure it's tough when you feel there were many things your husband had to answer for and yet the focus is 100% on your cheating and he's not being accountable for any of the relationship stuff. He betrayed your trust in the relationship, and you betrayed his trust by cheating. There's injustice and distrust on both sides. Existing relationship issues are never easy to deal with, plus stacking having BPD on top of that, and then cheating on top of that. It's a scary mountain to have to scale. 

You deserve a lot of credit for coming here and for being honest and discussing what you did wrong. You are facing the shame you are undoubtedly feeling and opening yourself up to taking heat and criticism from others. That is a huge show of LOVE for your husband, that you are willing to do that. And it shows how strong you are.

Are you two in therapy? Together and/or individually? You will probably need someone's help to get through and successfully deal with the relationship issues and the cheating. My partner and I have found therapy to be very helpful in dealing with our issues and learning how to relate to each other without it becoming a pitched battle quite so often.

Your story sounds a bit familiar to me. My partner and I already had major issues before I went and had EAs, and after that it was so much worse.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

soulpotato said:


> RM, looks like you've enjoyed a pretty smooth reception here.  I'm glad to see people aren't coming at you with 2x4s yet, LOL.
> 
> Injustice and trust are two huge hang-ups for us BPDers, and I'm sure it's tough when you feel there were many things your husband had to answer for and yet the focus is 100% on your cheating and he's not being accountable for any of the relationship stuff. He betrayed your trust in the relationship, and you betrayed his trust by cheating. There's injustice and distrust on both sides. Existing relationship issues are never easy to deal with, plus stacking having BPD on top of that, and then cheating on top of that. It's a scary mountain to have to scale.
> 
> ...


Your SO right. And I do want to see what help we can get when we get back ti the states. It is SO much fir me to try ti handle and deal with ='(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> Your SO right. And I do want to see what help we can get when we get back ti the states. It is SO much fir me to try ti handle and deal with ='(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When will you be coming back to the US?

Well, until then, hopefully you can find some support and friendship here.  It can be triggering to be here at times, I'll warn you now, but there's a lot of helpful information here. Some nice people, too, haha! 

I know it is a lot for you to handle. You must feel totally overwhelmed and just up to your chin with it. You are hurting, too - were already hurting, and now you are hurting even more. I'm sorry.  It is great that you are here, though, really great.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

soulpotato said:


> When will you be coming back to the US?
> 
> Well, until then, hopefully you can find some support and friendship here.  It can be triggering to be here at times, I'll warn you now, but there's a lot of helpful information here. Some nice people, too, haha!
> 
> I know it is a lot for you to handle. You must feel totally overwhelmed and just up to your chin with it. You are hurting, too - were already hurting, and now you are hurting even more. I'm sorry.  It is great that you are here, though, really great.


Very triggering. Kinda feel like I walked into a lions dens perhaps with a meat dress on. We have our tickets to go back on the 25th.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> Very triggering. Kinda feel like I walked into a lions dens perhaps with a meat dress on. We have our tickets to go back on the 25th.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you. I practice my DBT skills here more than anywhere else!! When it gets to be too intense, I hope you'll be able to take short breaks. But you don't want to be cut off from people, either. And without having any friends around right now... You still need support network of some kind. I'm in the same position, but it's not easy to just conjure friends out of thin air, huh? LOL. 

The 25th - that's awesome, not too far away. I really hope wherever you're moving to over here has some help available. Even if you can't use insurance, maybe you can find someone to work with who has a sliding scale fee. Where I live, it is such a pain to find a skilled, affordable therapist who doesn't think that people with BPD are Satan's minions.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

soulpotato said:


> I hear you. I practice my DBT skills here more than anywhere else!! When it gets to be too intense, I hope you'll be able to take short breaks. But you don't want to be cut off from people, either. And without having any friends around right now... You still need support network of some kind. I'm in the same position, but it's not easy to just conjure friends out of thin air, huh? LOL.
> 
> The 25th - that's awesome, not too far away. I really hope wherever you're moving to over here has some help available. Even if you can't use insurance, maybe you can find someone to work with who has a sliding scale fee. Where I live, it is such a pain to find a skilled, affordable therapist who doesn't think that people with BPD are Satan's minions.


Were goin ti new jersey but yea I was diagnosed at 14 but my.life went from nightmare ti beyond and I never went to therapy or anything and eventually forgot about it until recently I started asking.myself why Do I keep doing things I do n stuff n remembered in snap....I forgot im bpd... But yea. Im not a magician.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I hate my.phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> I hate my.phone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!!!! Auto-correct is a real b!tch, isn't it?! :rofl:


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

haha yes verily!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> Were goin ti new jersey but yea I was diagnosed at 14 but my.life went from nightmare ti beyond and I never went to therapy or anything and eventually forgot about it until recently I started asking.myself why Do I keep doing things I do n stuff n remembered in snap....I forgot im bpd... But yea. Im not a magician.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was misdiagnosed at 14 (saw some really dreadful therapists), then avoided therapists like the plague for the next 10+ years. I was finally diagnosed...a couple years ago, now? I only went back because of my partner. I was in the situation where people closer to me would say, "Hey, I read this thing...and it sounds like you. I think you have BPD." Made me really angry at first. I thought there was nothing "wrong" with me, and I didn't think I needed help. But as the years went by and the same pattern kept repeating, I realized...that yeah, I kind of did need help. As much as I was able to mostly hold things together at work, my relationships kept exploding. So that's what finally got me back into therapy. Not wanting to have one more casualty of my BPD.  It's really hard to accept, though. That something needs to change. That you can't fix it yourself. At least, it was hard for me to accept.

Not a magician is right! If only we could snap our fingers, huh?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> Where I live, it is such a pain to find a skilled, affordable therapist who doesn't think that people with BPD are Satan's minions.


 they aren't?

sorry for the innapropiate joke, but I a copuple years ago for a short period of time dated one, and it was a roller coster of relationship, one day I was the greatest and the next I was the worst, and if didn't agreed with her, it was my problem and I was the one who didn't understand her (lots of passion also).

at the time I didn't even understand the teminology but it was really difficult see things from her perspective.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

manticore said:


> they aren't?
> 
> sorry for the innapropiate joke, but I a copuple years ago for a short period of time dated one, and it was a roller coster of relationship, one day I was the greatest and the next I was the worst, and if didn't agreed with her, it was my problem and I was the one who didn't understand her (lots of passion also).
> 
> at the time I didn't even understand the teminology but it was really difficult see things from her perspective.


I see mostly when im starting to get what I call BPD CRAZY n can stop it, mostly, but when im snowballing hubby is the only one pretty much who can snap me out of it. But I do feel bad because I know im a handful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Hmmm, on my estate, that avatar would earn you a smack in the teeth. 

Does it mean something different wherever you are?


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

Sandfly said:


> Hmmm, on my estate, that avatar would earn you a smack in the teeth.
> 
> Does it mean something different wherever you are?


If you mean me, it means peace/victory where im from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

RockerMama said:


> I see mostly when im starting to get what I call BPD CRAZY n can stop it, mostly, but when im snowballing hubby is the only one pretty much who can snap me out of it. But I do feel bad because I know im a handful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What kind of behavioral patterns are we talking about here. How does your BPD manifest itself ?


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

Headspin said:


> What kind of behavioral patterns are we talking about here. How does your BPD manifest itself ?


Well when arguing I go overboard, go in circles, self harm nit often but badly when I do, am super happy n living n on the ball, then super depressed, not really devaluation of him tho, and u gave had my drug abuse in the recent past, along with the whole internal self hate battle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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