# separated and not happy



## separationfromhell2014 (Apr 8, 2015)

About 5 and a half months ago, I came home to find my husband gone. He had moved out and never told me. He said he wanted a divorce. I moved out and was not happy about it. He later said he wanted a "legal separation" because he wants to "work" on our marriage. I didn't understand what that would be for but I went along with it. We are now legally separated and the "working on our marriage" consists of me seeing him a total of 6 times, barely talking on the phone and texting daily. He is not able to tell me what he wants or how he would like to repair our marriage. Our marriage wasn't perfect but I didn't think it warrented this. I do things that I think have pushed him away. I pressure to know answers but when I do that, I never get an answer. When I text him he takes his time to text me back. He says he doesn't want anyone else but at this point, I'm beginning to wonder. 
I feel like I'm crazy because I want my marriage back but I feel there are conditions now. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Sometimes I feel I'm being set up to fail. I don't know what to do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He is having an affair.

Sorry


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I agree with happy as a clam. There is someone else. There almost always is in these situations.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

High probability of an affair. Some indication would be the fact that your not working on the marriage. Sounds like he is splitting as much from you as possible. Is he helping with child support, or helping with any bills?

You can investigate, and in the mean time, go and learn to live your own life and be an individual. Do not chase him. Work on your own issues, because if it does not work out for this marriage, your issues will almost be a nonexistent part of your next.

Work out in the morning, it helps with metabolism, and reduces the REM cycle in sleep. Create a support system around you as emotional support.

Start detaching, because the statistics are against you in this working out.

If he is not seeing your child, that means he is most likely having an affair since his attention and focus is likely elsewhere. When people get into an affair, they go through an infatuation stage where their motivation is to be with the one who triggers that motivation. They are addicted to the high of how that relationship feels.

So carefully analyze the data that you do have, and do it in a neutral way as possible. Emotions clouds our perception.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's obviously not working on your marriage (and it's very likely there's someone else). Don't chase after him. And absolutely don't have sex with him. Focus on you and start putting together a plan for your life going forward without him.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

If you want a quick way to get a real feel if there is another person, consider this...
Ask to see his phone, on the spot. If he gives it to you, check text message, FB messages and photos first...if there is something deeper in there, he will get antsier sooner. But likely he will say "no" when you ask anyway.
If/when he does, if you share a cell phone plan, go online and look at previous bills. Look for the frequent numbers and if you don't recognize who they are going to, go to spokeo.com and look them up.
This is basically only if you feel you don't have much to lose as it is because this likely won't win him over and it will put him on alert that you are closing in on something.
It's what I did after I found some letters, and one with a random email address. THE email address that I did a reverse look up and started unlocking the closed doors up to that point.
Just a thought. Good luck though. These moments in your life can be truly miserable.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Helpful reading for you

The Healing Heart: The 180

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I thought the same thing when I read your post...that he's likely interested in another woman. 

Work on yourself! He cannot do anything for you at this point - and you can't work on a marriage that he is not a part of. He is not a part of it right now.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

What if he is doing the 180?

I wouldn't jump to conclusions, not everybody views separation as a "see what else is out there," some view it as a time to reflect on the past, assess the present and decide on the future.

His D to S volley shows that he has been assessing the current state and considers the future salvageable. That doesn't mean that your husband has a plan, just that the end is no longer in sight.

He may be battling his desire vs. resentments. Are their any unresolved marital issues you need to acknowledge?

He may also be afraid to admit he fvcked up by moving out, and pride overshadows his shame, rather than humbly crawling back and begging for forgiveness, he thinks he can creep back in pride intact.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry. This sounds like cake eating behavior to me.
I LOVE being wrong in these situations, but it so very rarely happens.

The odds are not in your favor.
Snoop a little and see what you can see...and I really do hope Im wrong.


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