# What age shoud kids move out



## Wiltshireman

As one of our daughters has now started work (all be it an apprenticeship) my wife and I had a conversation about what age our kids will be before they leave home. 

If they go into further education / university then I can see them still needing a home with us until at least 21 but were does it end. 

With house prices (buy or rent) being so high it can be a struggle for youngsters to "fly the nest".

This report on the BBC gives a snap shot of the situation in the UK how does that compare to where you live, what are your thoughts.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-25827061


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## Hope1964

My kids can move out when they are ready to. I would never 'kick them out'.

I'm a pretty liberal mom, but my three still all wanted to get out on their own as soon as possible. Our two boys, ages 24 and 22, have both been out of the house for a couple of years now. Our daughter is almost 20 and she's moved out and come back twice now. The boys have good jobs and they take apprentice training a couple of times a year, and we help them out financially here and there. Our daughter works retail and can't afford to be completely on her own, so she has rushed relationships with guys a couple of times and moved out with them, then split and moved back home.

If the boys ever needed to move back home they'd be welcome.

The deal I had with them was that once they were done high school, if they didn't go into post secondary, they got one free year to live at home and save up, buy a car, whatever they wanted. Then they had to start paying rent, $300 a month.


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## WayUpNorth

I always thought they should be out when they hit puberty. They know everything by then. LOL


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## EnjoliWoman

There is no deadline - my daughter knows when she graduates high school that she must either have a full time job, go to school full time, or half/half but she cannot just hang out all day doing nothing. As long as she is productive, I'm happy for her to stay. But if I find she needs to grow up and is leaning a bit too much on me, I would encourage independence - tho I don't see that as a problem with MY kiddo!


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## mablenc

I guess it depends on the culture, my husband moved out when we got married and so did I. He was 30 and I was 23.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I had my third child when I was nearly 40, so I think by the time she's old enough to move out, I will want them to come back? 
hahahaha.

In actuality, when my youngest kids are done with high school we all plan to move to where their older brother and girlfriend (or wife...and kids) are living in next state over is their intention. We actually like each other...and I am starting to train my eldest son (remotely, with some on-site dual purpose family and work visits) to do some of my research work. Long term want to have a consultancy... Little kids are 13 and 10 and going to learn Excel and data entry / abstraction techniques soon...

We like each other, so living in close proximity or in same house (with some in-suite capabilities for privacy/independence when needed/desired) makes sense for us. 

I don't think any of us is going to go away long-term from any of the others. That would be kind of weird. I mean, probably there will be times when someone will live away for a while for work or travel, but really, what is the pressing need for any individual to have an entire life distant and separate from their own family, if the family is emotionally healthy and supportive of each other...then it can be fun and beneficial for everyone, and much less stressful in terms of finding childcare, help if you need surgery, or someone to watch your cat/goat/chickens/dog/babies/houseplants if you want/need to be away for a bit.

In our family though, no mooching is allowed. We do tend to be generous to each other, but nobody expects it or demands it. Our biggest gift to each other is our time and our company and sharing the day to day mundane stuff...in a unique way that makes it more interesting to all of us. We all have our own thing, but we work well together as a team...nobody is dragged down, quite the opposite. Having a stable family life can make a huge difference in success, and happiness, and success at happiness. 

We also welcome qualified outsiders...lol.

Oh, when I was somewhere between 13 and 16, my family disappeared, each in one way or another (death, abandonment, moving away, jail, etc.) So I never had to move out, I got moved out on... it was weird, and very subtle... one day I was just worried about writing 9th grade essays on the lost generation and if 16 year olds should have licenses...and doing my Calculus proofs and wondering if I could ever get my hair to look as nice as Farrah's with the flip and angel wings thing...and the next thing I remember is trying to figure out where to stay, how to pay for the braces on my teeth without insurance or income, Reagan cutting Social Security benefits for kids over 18 who were in university, and then joining the military since it came with board, room, health benefits, education...I used a friend's address where I stayed as delayed enlisted...as my home of record address. Funny, that family fell apart as well, over the next few years. 

My kids really enjoy having a stable home life, even though we have moved quite a bit, we have a gypsy/nomad mentality and set up shop quickly...travel light. I am going to buy a house this year though, and we think we will stay in the same place for the next 8 years :-o (But have bike and backpack trips planned...and I am working on having away work at reservations...) 

Anyhow, my kids have a very different concept of home. It is not a stable geographical location, it is people-based... so it's not something you can just leave... you would have to do something really serious to be asked to leave :-o But they do know that the building/location can change on a dime. So if they have a geographical preference about where to set up, they better speak up (our decision to settle down for 8 years is a group one...)


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## arbitrator

*My two sons are still in college. My Senior(24) is in a college some 55 miles from here and is living in Student Apartments and loves it. And he is paying for it! He'll likely tie the knot after his graduation!

My Sophomore(20) still resides at home with Ol' Dad and will likely be here until he graduates from Aggieland here in a couple of years. And Dad is in absolutely no big rush to run him out of the house!*


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## Trickster

My daughter is just 10 years old now. If she goes off to college, I would like it to be our community college so she can still live at home and focus on school. 

Once she was working I would want her to build a savings, pay for her education and pay off college if she has debt. If she is responsible and wants to save for a house, I would be all for that.

I don't think I would want her bringing home bf's and going to her bedroom, even when she is in her 20's... 

I think she would want to get away from us asap. My 53 year old BIL moved back home along with his 2 kids. I feel for my MIL and FIL.


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## larry.gray

We're of similar thinking with Enjoli. If she's going to school, working, or doing both then she's welcome to stay.

I just add one more requirement - no guy will be shacking up with us. She's not giving it away for free, he's going to be paying for it.


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## manticore

mablenc said:


> I guess it depends on the culture, my husband moved out when we got married and so did I. He was 30 and I was 23.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yep it depends in culture, in mine is pretty common that single people live with their parents until they get married (specially women), and there is also a reciprocity, when one of the parents die, is pretty common for the sons to request and sometimes even force the remaining parent to move in with them


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## Coffee Amore

It depends on the culture. In my culture, it's very common for young adult children to live with their parents while going to college and even beyond, until they get married. No one bats an eye at that. It's also common for aging parents to move in with their children. Not to say nursing homes and retirement communities don't exist, they do, but it's common to have three generations under the same roof.


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## Bellavista

It has become very common here for unmarried (also unshacked up) adult kids to continue to live at home. We have it, and to be honest, I wish they could move out! We have our eldest son (25), youngest son (nearly 22), daughter (19) and other daughter (16) at home. The only one who is not at home is the middle son (23) who is married.

Both of the boys have lived out of home, in the case of the 25yo, he has been coming and going for 7 years. It has proven difficult economically for them to live out of home. The eldest is at uni and does not work, the younger son has a start up business that will eventually generate a lot of income.

Where we live you either have high rent or bad areas. As much as I would love some privacy in my much too small house, I would prefer to have them here than in a bad area or on the street.

If however, they were able to sustain living out of home, I would expect them to do so, rather than continue to bludge off us. In all honesty though, I think we might have the eldest home forever, unless we can find an understanding woman to take on him and his asperger ways.


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## Wiltshireman

Only one person (Hope1964) has mentioned it so far but what do others think about charging working live at home kids rent?
As I said only one of mine is working and she only clears £800 ($1320) pcm.

Following my advice she gives her mum a quarter towards her keep, a quarter for long term savings, a quarter for expenses and most importantly for her a quarter for having FUN.

IMHO Charging them rent (even if the parents do not need the money) is a good idea as it gets them into the habit of paying for the necessities before buying luxuries.


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## Hope1964

Charging them rent gets them used to the way the real world works.

We offered our kids a choice: either pay $300 a month rent which we keep, or pay $500 a month and we put $200 a month away for them where they can't touch it till they move out. We also insist that they go over their budget with us.


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## ScarletBegonias

I was on my own at 17. DH didn't leave home til he was nearly 30. When it comes to my son, he can always live with me provided he is going to school and working part time or working full time and paying rent (which I will put away for him but just let him assume it's going toward bills that way when he's ready to move,he'll have money saved that he wasn't counting on receiving.). 

Some of DH's friends are in their mid thirties and still live at home. They're simply failure to launch cases. The same jobs they had in high school,no plans for the future,etc. I will not support my son in a case like that.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I'm going to implement the same rule as my parents. Once they are done with their schooling, I will give them a few months but they will need to start paying rent. I will not kick them out of the house but they will not be able to take advantage of the situation either. If they decide to go to college ... as if I'm giving them a choice  ... then it will start after they are done with college, otherwise it will be after high school. 

My parents were very clear about that ... and it worked ... we knew that once we graduated, we had to get our butts in gear. I actually moved out right away; my parents came down to my college graduation and after we celebrated that night, I went home to my new apartment.

I do wonder if they would have enforced it right away if I had decided not to go to college ... I was only 17 when I graduated high school and not yet an adult.


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## Bellavista

Mine definitely are expected to contribute. What I found easiest for us with the boys is that they buy their own food, except for probably 4 night meals a week. The extra food is the biggest expense so by doing this, we are not so out of pocket trying to feed two 6'3" boys.

At this stage, we are not charging extra for rent as the eldest one only gets a study allowance and he still has to send money to the mother of his daughter for support and the younger is having to put a lot of his earnings back into equipment for his business.

There is the possibility that by the middle to end of this year, the younger son's business will be booming and he will employ the elder son as a contract worker. In that instance, I would expect that by next year, they could both look at moving out into rented accommodation.

For me, the ideal would be that we lived on a property that was large enough to have a separate granny flat that the adult kids could live in.

I moved out of home when I was married, but since I married at 19, I was not living at home into adulthood anyway. H had moved out at 18 and then back again at 20 and then left again at 21 when we married.

When I look at it, the biggest phenomenon seems to be boomerang kids..


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## mxpx4182

Again, I think it depends on the situation. I lived at home for a while in the 23 to 25 range (last year) because of going from undergrad to grad, going overseas, and then going back to gradschool. It would have been dumb to rent that entire time. Renting apartments typically come with strict 6 month or 1 year contracts and I couldn't be bound to that. Plus I missed my family, and my mom is sick, so it was good to help out around the house. This sounds lame, but I actually kinda miss that. Not that I would want it indefinitely, but it was nice, and my current situation isn't so great.


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## Duguesclin

I hope to treat my kids well and support them to maximize their chances to be successful. 

Although I have no plan to be financially dependent on them, there is always the risk that my wife and I may need to move with them. I would hate that they park us in a nursing home when we are old and useless because we did not give them shelter when they needed it.


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## Ikaika

I don't expect my oldest son will ever move out. I only worry about what happens when we too old to care for him. We are very fastidious about caring for our health, but at some point, the body will give out. 

I am pretty sure my youngest will move out as soon as he can. I will encourage him to get a college degree and support him through that process. I am sure he will be the one to leave ahead of us suggesting he go.


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## Runs like Dog

Should or can? Economic times can be pretty rough out there.


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## Wiltshireman

Runs like Dog said:


> Should or can? Economic times can be pretty rough out there.


Give your opinion on both and why they are different. 
Has it changed in a generation?


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## turnera

DD23 went away to college for four years. Now she's home and trying to get into a PhD program. Luckily, the one she wants is in our city. If she gets into it, she'll probably live at home til she's done with it (or meets a guy and moves in with him). She knows, though, that if she's not actively working or in school, she has to find someplace else to live. She's working full-time right now and paying us $500/month (which barely covers her car insurance). But she'll be quitting this spring to be able to volunteer in research, to have a better shot at the PhD program. Either way works for me.

That said, if she were done with school and working, I wouldn't expect her to be living at home much longer. I'd be expecting her to start living her 'adult' life, out on her own.


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## turnera

Wiltshireman said:


> Give your opinion on both and why they are different.
> Has it changed in a generation?


At least in America, the middle class has been economically flat for the last 40 years, while the upper class has gotten much much richer. Meaning, as the cost of living has risen, we are lucky if we get raises or starting salaries that allow us to even afford what we already have, let alone move up the ladder. So, yes, it's changed.


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## Hope1964

I can't say that I agree that if they aren't working or in school they should necessarily move out. I mean, with no income, where are they supposed to live? And how?

Our oldest graduated high school and then got involved in a very toxic relationship. When he finally broke up with her, it took him a long time to get over it. He was working, but not much, and he mostly just stayed in the basement and played video games for about six months. I was worried, and we talked as much as he would talk, but I knew that if I gave him the time he needed he'd snap out of it eventually. And he did. If I had just kicked him out because he wasn't doing what I thought he should be doing, where would he be today?? Certainly not where he is. He probably would have ended up on the street.


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## turnera

Hope1964 said:


> If I had just kicked him out because he wasn't doing what I thought he should be doing, where would he be today?? Certainly not where he is. He probably would have ended up on the street.


Or he would have woken up and realized sooner that he needed to get his shyte together. Look, I'm not some ogre kicking kids out the instant they graduate. But if they - barring a mental or physical issue - end up just hanging around the house playing video games and not planning for their future, IMO I'm doing him no good by condoning it.


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## Hope1964

I don't think it's that cut and dried. Obviously if they're disruptive - dealing drugs, having wild parties, trashing the house, being abusive - they need to be kicked out (or sent to rehab). but I think kids just need a break sometimes. If it goes on for years then you need to take harder steps - if he was STILL in the basement playing video games it would be a different story. I find it hard to believe that a kid who knows how to make the right choices should be told that the support from their parents they've relied on all their life is suddenly being withdrawn just because they've hit a rough patch. But I know my way of thinking isn't shared by everyone and that's fine


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## Jellybeans

Hope1964 said:


> I can't say that I agree that if they aren't working or in school they should necessarily move out. I mean, with no income, where are they supposed to live? And how?


Man I hear you. I don't have children but I imagine that as a mother, I'd prob feel as you do. 

There is one situation though that I can't get with: one of my aunts has a daughter who is a bum. Like, a complete BUM. No job, wakes up at noon or later and disappears for days on end, not bothering to say where she is and bringing randoms to my aunts house upon her return. Seedy/shady people she hangs with. She is in early 20s now and started getting in trouble at school since junior high, refused to go to school and was stuck at this juvi center. She acts like everyone is out to get her. My aunt told me she was dabbling into drugs and whatnot and I went to visit he recently and she acted like she could not at all care less that I was there. She was so rude to my aunt too. I wanted to pinch her eye out. (Beuase my mother would NEVER have me talkin to her that waY). My aunt swears this is because she is adopted. I call bullsh!t. She is a bum and I would have had her out of the house long ago but aunt says "where else can she go?" She contributes nothing to their house hold - $, rent, food, doesn't go to school, wakes up whenever, doesn't clean, no job, nothing.

I realize that is an extreme case.


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## Hope1964

Jellybeans said:


> Man I hear you. I don't have children but I imagine that as a mother, I'd prob feel as you do.
> 
> There is one situation though that I can't get with: one of my aunts has a daughter who is a bum. Like, a complete BUM. No job, wakes up at noon or later and disappears for days on end, not bothering to say where she is and bringing randoms to my aunts house upon her return. Seedy/shady people she hangs with. She is in early 20s now and started getting in trouble at school since junior high, refused to go to school and was stuck at this juvi center. She acts like everyone is out to get her. My aunt told me she was dabbling into drugs and whatnot and I went to visit he recently and she acted like she could not at all care less that I was there. She was so rude to my aunt too. I wanted to pinch her eye out. (Beuase my mother would NEVER have me talkin to her that waY). My aunt swears this is because she is adopted. I call bullsh!t. She is a bum and I would have had her out of the house long ago but aunt says "where else can she go?" She contributes nothing to their house hold - $, rent, food, doesn't go to school, wakes up whenever, doesn't clean, no job, nothing.
> 
> I realize that is an extreme case.


Holy crap. That's sad. That the kid acts that way, and that the parents don't do what they need to do.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah it was really fcked up to witness. I was like, WHAT? This little piece of work was supposed to pick me up at the airport and blew me off for HOURS. Then said she was finally coming for me eons after I'd arrived and I told her I'd already made other plans. When we hung out, she sat in the car the entire time, did not want to join us on any activities and spoke ill to my aunt. I made zero effort to hang with her after that. My aunt kept trying to make a bonding experience between her but I told her I am too old to be placating people that treat others like sh!t. I looked at this kid and was going to tell her she was lucky as sh!t that my mom wasn't her mom cause my mom would have knocked her out to Sunday and back. With pleasure.


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## captainstormy

I guess I'm old fashioned, but I believe that after high school kids should move out and start their own life. IMO, that even includes moving out into your own place if your going to college in the same town as your parents house.

Age 18-25 or so is when you forge and learn who you really are as a person. And its hard to grown and change still living at home with your parents.

Personally, I graduated high school in mid may and a week later I moved 500 miles away to start college and within 3 days of getting to my new city had a full time job. I lived in the schools student housing for a shirt time but then moved out to an apartment with roommates for the rest of school.

I'm only 29 myself so I'm not old by any means, but I haven't lived with my mother (parents are divorced) for 11 years now. And I've grown alot as a man in those 11 years. I can't imagine how different I would have been if I stayed in my home town and went to the local college and lived with my mother.

ETA:
I have been told my whole life that I have the heart and soul of a very hard working old man. Once I got my license at 16 I got a job that weekend. My mother didn't make me, actually tried to talk me out of it. I put half of my check away for savings for money to move to college and survive on when I got there. Put a quarter into savings for car repairs and such like that and spent the other quarter on gas and fast food.

That's why I was able to move away to college on my own dime at 18. Not that my mother didn't help, of course she did but I had the mindset that it's my education and I should be the one working hard for it.


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## turnera

My DD23 is a psychology major. It's been SO interesting watching the gap widen between her and all the friends who stayed home and did nothing, went to junior college, or got a job, while living at home. DD analyzes them a lot, and the one thing she's convinced me of is that, because they stayed home, they did NOT mature at anywhere near the rate she and others who left did. It's like high school drama, all the time, and they're in their 20s! 

When we were setting up DD's bank accounts, the banker told us that DD was the first person her age who she'd even dealt with who already had good credit (paid off a car), had saved thousands, and was setting up a 401k. That's pretty sad.


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## GTdad

My wife and I used to joke that we'd have the kids' bags packed for them the day they turned 18, but as it turns out I like having them around. A son is 19, and a daughter (and her husband and my grandson) live with us, and all contribute (including $) and are enjoyable to have with us. Particularly my grandson. 

Both are temporary situations, but as things stand we're in no rush to see them go. We have the room, so we're not on top of each other, and it's nice to have the extra hands when something needs doing.


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## Cosmos

When they feel that they're too old to abide by their parents house rules. Obviously, these relax as children grow up (no curfews and grounding etc!), but once they reach the stage where they start trying to call the shots it really is time for them to fly the nest and build one of their own.


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## turnera

DD23 still has friends who live at home who can't attend this or that function because the parents say no. One guy can't drive to Galveston (an hour away) or go to pool halls. And he's 23. Then again, when he left home at 18 to go to college, he partied and crashed and burned and got banned from the college, he screwed up so bad. But he was just doing all the stuff his parents had always forbid him to do. This time around, he has his tail between his legs and won't disobey them, even at 23.


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## captainstormy

turnera said:


> DD23 still has friends who live at home who can't attend this or that function because the parents say no. One guy can't drive to Galveston (an hour away) or go to pool halls. And he's 23. Then again, when he left home at 18 to go to college, he partied and crashed and burned and got banned from the college, he screwed up so bad. But he was just doing all the stuff his parents had always forbid him to do. This time around, he has his tail between his legs and won't disobey them, even at 23.


That's part of the reason I think kids should move out. Its hard to transition the parent/child relationship from kid into adult as it is. I'm sure its even harder if they are living at home.

Granted, this guy made plenty of mistakes on his own but I know other people in the same situation.

I've got a friend who stayed at home and lived with his parents after high school. They only lived about a 30 minute drive from the college he went to.

They wanted to treat him just the same in college as they did in high school. Mom wanted to double check homework (even though she had no idea what she was looking at), insisted he kept a bed time, etc etc. Even insisted that he couldn't have a girlfriend and he be home on time for dinner every evening.

I saw him a few years back. He's graduated and had a job but hasn't changed one bit since high school. He did at least move out into his own place finally, but he has the mind of a 18 year old.


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## Hope1964

What the hell kind of parent gives a 20 something year old a BEDTIME?! Or forbids them from going somewhere? That's just messed. Especially if the kid actually puts up with it.


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## turnera

These kids never learned how to be adults.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Our home is open until they are ready. If they are graduated and not going to college, they will be expected to pay rent. If the kids are in school, we will fully support them.

My oldest moved out the day after she graduated, she was over 18. We have rules of the house while living under our roof. She wasn't happy with our rules, so she moved out and lives on her own with a roommate.


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## Hope1964

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We have rules of the house while living under our roof. She wasn't happy with our rules, so she moved out and lives on her own with a roommate.


This is why our boys moved out and have stayed gone as long as they have


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## EI

Coffee Amore said:


> It depends on the culture. In my culture, it's very common for young adult children to live with their parents while going to college and even beyond, until they get married. No one bats an eye at that. It's also common for aging parents to move in with their children. Not to say nursing homes and retirement communities don't exist, they do, but it's common to have three generations under the same roof.


Been there, done that. I can't say that it was easy, having my aging parents living with us as their health began to decline, while still raising 5 young children, but I will say that it was worth it.


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## ConanHub

EI said:


> Been there, done that. I can't say that it was easy, having my aging parents living with us as their health began to decline, while still raising 5 young children, but I will say that it was worth it.


My mother took care of my grandparents when their health started failing. We kids were already grown and moved out but I know the stress that puts on a family.

You and B1 just went up another notch in my book.

Speaking of book.... Just saying your story is better than many works out there and it's true!


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## EI

ConanHub said:


> My mother took care of my grandparents when their health started failing. We kids were already grown and moved out but I know the stress that puts on a family.
> 
> You and B1 just went up another notch in my book.
> 
> Speaking of book.... Just saying your story is better than many works out there and it's true!


Your Mom was/is a special lady, then. 

You're very kind. Thank you. I have often wished that "our story" didn't make such interesting reading!


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## turnera

We built our second house specifically to have my mom move in when she needed to. But she refused, lol. Our compromise was to have her move into an assisted living apartment complex. Even then, she wouldn't hang around with all those 'old people.'


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## Jellybeans

It's a cultural thing, too. 

In America, it's more common for them to move out after high school whereas in a lot of countries, the family unit stays together til perhaps one marries off. 



Mrs. John Adams said:


> Our kids left home at 22 and 20...the first time. They both bred and came back home with kids. Then they moved out when they were 29 and 27. We have now had an empty nest for 8 years.* I changed the locks*


:rofl: So funny!


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