# Nightmares



## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Do they go away? I have not slept more than 2 hours a night for a week. I just can't get the whole thing out of my head. It has been three months. I will be fin then it hits me again. I feel like I got hit by a truck that keeps backing out and hitting me again. we are woking on it she is truly sorry, I can tell and the MC helped her realize what the damage she has done. Yet, I cannot seem to get past it. I am soo tired of the pain, sadness and anger. I am tired and just want to be me again. My youngest, who is extremly empathetic, asked me why I was so sad. I didn't realize I was showing it the other two kids have not said anything. It hurt me when he said that. I know it is her fault, I just wihs I could recover already.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Could you be to stressed?
My suggestion would be do something nice. Something you like and that helps you forget about that stuff.

As ridiculous as it may sounds: The smell of orange peels is some kind of anti-nightmare medication. They did a study on different smells orange peel worked best.

Air the rooms well. Oh and do anything stressful before you go to bed. That includes watching exciting movies + video games.

Progressive muscle relaxation might also help.

Is that Bilbo by the way?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Individual counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Do you consume a lot of caffeine or alcohol by the way?


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I do not drink anything caffeinated. It is bilbo :smthumbup:.
I will try the orange peels. I guess I will try meditation before sleeping.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Best of luck!

Wish I could be more helpful.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Three months is nothing. I had sleepless nights more than a year after D-day. It depends on, among other things, how much you fear the unknown, losing control and the risk of being alone. Take it easy ride it out, and yes, I would also suggest IC.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I'm having nightmares too. I guess it goes along with the whole thing.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I wish I had some good advice but I don't it does get better with time, it only happens a couple times a year now ……it's been 4 years for me……..
it's a loss and the grieving happens the same way……..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you reconciling 

Do you have enough reasons ?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I suggest melatonin to help fall asleep, GABA to relax you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I did not see an answer to the alcohol question. If you are hitting that one hard try backing off. It helped me. 

See your doctor. You may need some medical help for a short time. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

No alcohol, I have a lot of reason to reconcile, 3 big ones, my kids.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....the 'nightmares' eventually fade away ...for the most part. Even today ...however, +18 yrs post D-day ...I get a sleepless night.

...but in the beginning it was BAD. I think that right after d-day ...I was more emotionally drained than ever in my life and slept like a rock. However ...when my mind started to 'process' what my wife's ONS actually was ...then the nightmares started. Like I said ..it got BAD ...to the point of talking in my sleep ...waking up yelling ...but not in anger ..but instead ...get this... in remorse! I would be talking / yelling in my sleep,_ "I'm sorry, I'll be good, I'll be better"_ ...when I was the one that was betrayed!! I think that all was a product of a therapist pinning half the blame of my wife's actions on me?

....if I have a bad 'trigger day' ...I still get a sleepless / anxiety filled night. I suppose it goes with the territory?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

cpacan said:


> Three months is nothing.


One of the many reasons I like Shirley Glass' book NOT Just Friends is she explains the trauma PLUS grief that we experience as betrayed spouses. 

If you know anyone who has lost a loved one to death, you know that they may act kind of "lost" for several months afterward. If you know anyone who has been traumatized (had their home destroyed in a tornado though they survived, for example), you know they can be on edge for a long time after the event. In the case of both grief and trauma, it's NORMAL for sleep to be affected - and we betrayed spouses have BOTH grief and trauma going on. We wish we could be healed faster, but time is one of the elements of our healing, and we can't make time pass faster.

My sleep was still crappy at 3 months. When I first found out, on D-Day, I didn't sleep at all the entire night. At about 8 months out, I'm sleeping much better. But a lot of healing has happened, and that makes a big difference.

Maybe this will give you some hope: just today, my husband told me he wanted me to take his face in my hands, "5 times a day" if necessary, and tell him, "Don't you know how much you hurt me, more than anyone has ever hurt me?" Because he doesn't want me holding it inside, and he wants me to share my pain with him, and he wants me to give him the opportunity to be able to apologize at the very moment when I'm feeling bad about his affair.

Really, time and MC and a remorseful spouse WILL help you heal. But it's not surprising that you're having trouble sleeping at this stage. Keep posting here, exercise if you can (not close to bedtime, though), and consider a warm bath before bed - some people find that does make them sleepy. And you could try to have some "happy place" in your mind - if you are obsessing, you can steer your thoughts to there, and even if the bad thoughts keep intruding, you can keep going back there.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

It might be helpful for you to remember that the nightmares are "not real". It is not what is happening now. It happened in the past but not now.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Its your sub-conscious---did you get all the details when you confronted and since---if not---your sub-conscious is working off of imagination, instead of reality----it goes with the territory----hopefully nightmares will ease up---but you may remember what she did the rest of your life---once again, it goes with the territory


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I tried but she was reluctant, I had to fight for every detail because she didn't think it would help me. There are more questions I have but I am tired, and just do not have the strength or will to ask right now and deal with the fighting.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

So your wife is not remorseful. Does not accept responsibility for her actions and is unconcerned about your healing or reconciling her marriage. 

And yet you tolerate her continued disrespect. 

Why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

*I had to fight for every detail because she didn't think it would help me.*

And this is where she is dead wrong.

I had trouble sleeping for years, started talking in my sleep according to W (mostly saying "No, No, No!"). Rx for anxiety medication helped. But only recently has W been forthcoming with details and willing to answer whenever I ask because she sees it as a requirement for healing (finally!). Sleep is much better. Your W needs to reach this point in order for your anxiety to subside. But as others have said three months is actually very little time. It will improve.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> I tried but she was reluctant, I had to fight for every detail because she didn't think it would help me. There are more questions I have but I am tired, and just do not have the strength or will to ask right now and deal with the fighting.


Ah, the details. Well, at 8 months out, I don't have all my questions answered yet either. And that's because our counselor has suggested that we need to learn some new skills first. (We didn't start counseling until the 6 month mark, and we haven't been able to go every week because of schedule conflicts). Though it was established at the beginning that it was essential that my questions be answered in order for me to heal. However, couples often have communication patterns that tend to make conversations where you're dealing with difficult issues go off the tracks, so there's not an atmosphere of "safety" for dealing with highly charged subjects. It needs to be safe for BOTH parties. 

Betrayed spouses have a TON of anger and hurt, and unfaithful spouses have a lot of fear and defensiveness - all this crap gets in the way of communicating on a deep level about the facts and the issues. Establishing safety and dissecting the old patterns so we can observe and learn how not to repeat them is a process and it takes some time. (Again, we're back to needing to be patient.) I know you want to feel better now. I do too, but unfortunately it's slow going. But I can tell you it's a lot better now than it was at 3 months.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

workindad said:


> So your wife is not remorseful. Does not accept responsibility for her actions and is unconcerned about your healing or reconciling her marriage.
> 
> And yet you tolerate her continued disrespect.
> 
> ...


my kids number oe, number two I do not have anywhere to go. I am poor and disabled.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you have joined this club. The nightmares and sleepless nights will diminish with time. I still have not come to a conclusion if knowing the details or not is a good thing for the BS.

Things would trigger me even 6 months or a year out and I would go a couple of days without sleep. I self medicated for a while. Jameson. It really did not help. I needed to work out my anger and my insecurities and it takes time.

I do think it causes more issues if you ask a question and your wife does not answer or evades the questions. Our you seeing an IC? Go talk with your doctor maybe he can give you something


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