# My husband is choosing his dog over me?



## Alexandria

I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have always lived separate. My lease is up and I want to move in with him, but he has a dog I am allergic to. He is a big dog, an Australian Cattle Dog...he barks and bites and sheds everywhere. He said he would keep the dog in a room with a door that goes outside, but honestly, I don't believe this is a good compromise as I am an asthmatic and am very allergic to him. I don't want to not go into that room. I also have insomnia and a disabled back, so I am already operating at a disadvantage. I told him to get a shed with an A/C and a chair and the dog can live here and the back yard. He won't do that. So, he is in essence, choosing his dog over me or my needs. It is very hurtful and I would leave, but I could lose my job soon and would have no options, so I am operating from fear. I love him and we get along, but this is such a tough issue. Every time I talk to someone out this, they say it is a no-brainer and I come over a dog. I believe this in my heart, but would hate to lose my husband. Ideas please?


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## tacoma

Alexandria said:


> I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have always lived separate. My lease is up and I want to move in with him,


Are you sure this is about the dog?

It sounds as if you live in the same area so why do you live separately?


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## Alexandria

We live 40 minutes away from each other and I know him pretty well, and yes, I assume the dog is an issue, but I guess it could be something else, but I certainly don't know what? He is selfish. He smokes, I don't, he smokes pot, I don't, he sleeps with his dog that I am allergic to and I want the dog out of the house. I don't know. Maybe he is selfish. I just need advice.


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## Thumper

Why did u marry him in the first place? If this was to be the arrangement you had when u married, why is it an issue now? or has this been a recent change? Did you know he was selfish when u first met/got married? Did he smoke pot/smoked period when u first met/married? Why was it ok then, but not now?

Not enough info to make an opinion.


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## Thoreau

You've "been with" your husband for 4 hears.....um...no. You haven't been with him as husband and wife at all.

Then you said you would "leave him"....um...no. You aren't even with him. Where would you leave to? An hour away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo

It appears to me there is more to this story than simply husband chooses dog over wife. For instance, if you are married and a 40 minute drive apart, you have never spent time with your husband where he and the dog live and, if so, how did you handle your allergies then as it sounds like the dog has the run of the place. This is the first time this issue of the dog has come up? My wife is allergic to cats and we discussed that before we married and the cats in my life were dealt with before the marriage. You and hubby have never discussed this before?


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## Alexandria

I married him because I love him. When we first met, the dog was young, I was in a lease and he said it will be hard to give him up...well, I guess that changed. He never smoked pot when we got married; he started one year or so into it. I thought it would be a once in awhile thing and it is an every day thing.




Thumper said:


> Why did u marry him in the first place? If this was to be the arrangement you had when u married, why is it an issue now? or has this been a recent change? Did you know he was selfish when u first met/got married? Did he smoke pot/smoked period when u first met/married? Why was it ok then, but not now?
> 
> Not enough info to make an opinion.


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## Alexandria

No, he comes to my place because my face breaks out in a red rash when I go to his. The dog, the dirt, the everything. Something in his house makes me allergic and I can't breathe. So, we are technically married, but see each other just once or twice a week...at my place, a place I need to leave in 4 weeks, with no place to go.




Thoreau said:


> You've "been with" your husband for 4 hears.....um...no. You haven't been with him as husband and wife at all.
> 
> Then you said you would "leave him"....um...no. You aren't even with him. Where would you leave to? An hour away?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alexandria

I guess I always thought he would do the right thing. He thinks he is compromising by keeping the dog in one room with a dog door, but that is just not going to cut it. That room would be filled with dog hair and I could never go into that room, his office, guest room, etc. And, when he goes to visit the dog in the room, he will exit with dog hair all over him. His car is filled with white hair and the dog does not even go in the car, so he sheds like crazy.




Maneo said:


> It appears to me there is more to this story than simply husband chooses dog over wife. For instance, if you are married and a 40 minute drive apart, you have never spent time with your husband where he and the dog live and, if so, how did you handle your allergies then as it sounds like the dog has the run of the place. This is the first time this issue of the dog has come up? My wife is allergic to cats and we discussed that before we married and the cats in my life were dealt with before the marriage. You and hubby have never discussed this before?


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## tacoma

If he won't get rid of the dog in favor if his wife what kind of husband do you have?
What does that tell you about how he values you?

Knowing how allergic you are and being aware that you'd be moving in I would have asked you months ago to start helping me to find a good home for the dog.
It's really the only acceptable reaction.

Pressuring him to get rid of the dog will only create resentment for both if you.
Not that you have pressured him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alexandria

tacoma said:


> If he won't get rid of the dog in favor if his wife what kind of husband do you have? A selfish one.
> What does that tell you about how he values you? He may value me, but not the way I need to be valued.
> 
> Knowing how allergic you are and being aware that you'd be moving in I would have asked you months ago to start helping me to find a good home for the dog. He said he will not rid of the dog, and believe me, I have been trying. The only logical thing is to build a shed for him with an A/C.
> It's really the only acceptable reaction. He said he would be torn apart to lose his dog, but he is about to be w/out a wife.
> 
> Pressuring him to get rid of the dog will only create resentment for both if you. It already has.
> Not that you have pressured him. I have. I have tried to be gentle, but that does not seem to have worked, so I took it up a notch last night. He just remained quiet saying we can come up with a solution. There is only one solution for me; have him live outside. That is my compromise. Ideally, he would be re-homed as he is a farm dog living in a tiny house, getting fat and unhealthy. He is not an inside dog. Believe me, if he had some small dog or non-allergenic dog, I would be as happy as heck to have a dog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Is it viable for the dog to live outside?

Is there a fenced in yard where you could set the dog up like you said with a shed or doghouse 
Could there be a fenced in yard or is he dead set against that compromise as well?

Because honestly that's a better solution for the dog than his idea of a room for it.

I'm just having such a hard time "getting" this.
I understand people become very attached to their animals but to put a pet above a wife in the pecking order just blows my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau

Why the decision to live together now after 4 years? Thats the part I don't get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Thoreau said:


> Why the decision to live together now after 4 years? Thats the part I don't get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said she was in a lease that is up soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper

Yea I understand lease is ending, but I highly doubt this is the first time the lease is expiring in the 4 years since the marriage started.

Maybe i'm just old, old fashioned, I would have wanted to be "living with" my wife since day 1. Deciding to give it a go after 4 years, shouldn't be surprised you've grown apart in more ways than just the dog.


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## Alexandria

It blows my mind too and yes, I think him living outside would be perfect. And, it is fenced. It would be a great solution. And, yes, it blows my mind too. I have a variety of disabilities, so my self-esteem sucks and I think he knows I can't run out and find someone else. Makes me cry.





tacoma said:


> Is it viable for the dog to live outside?
> 
> Is there a fenced in yard where you could set the dog up like you said with a shed or doghouse
> Could there be a fenced in yard or is he dead set against that compromise as well?
> 
> Because honestly that's a better solution for the dog than his idea of a room for it.
> 
> I'm just having such a hard time "getting" this.
> I understand people become very attached to their animals but to put a pet above a wife in the pecking order just blows my mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alexandria

Well, he was going to remodel and is now just getting around to it. Has no central heat/air and in Texas, that does not work. The house is a total mess and would not be condusive for me to live in. He had to get 401k money and he refiananced. So, it took longer. He is remodeling now and a part of th remodel should be to put the dog outside; a no brainer to me. He still thinks we can come up with a solution. I don't think we can unless the dog is outside. 




Thumper said:


> Yea I understand lease is ending, but I highly doubt this is the first time the lease is expiring in the 4 years since the marriage started.
> 
> Maybe i'm just old, old fashioned, I would have wanted to be "living with" my wife since day 1. Deciding to give it a go after 4 years, shouldn't be surprised you've grown apart in more ways than just the dog.


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## Maneo

The husband spends more time with the dog than with the wife if husband and wife only get together a couple times a week. And this has been going on for four years? This was a train wreck waiting to happen. 
If the allergy is that bad, there was never serious discussion about some sort if resolution ? Was the plan to always live apart? 
If he is unwilling to do more, that indicates deeper relationship problems. 
Has there been consideration of allergy shots to suppress the allergic reactions?


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## Thumper

That cake must taste great for him, he gets the best of all worlds here. Sex, a distant relationship he really doesn't have to answer too 5 days a week. The dog can be used to keep it that way. Are you sure you really know what your getting into? after 4 years.


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## Blue Firefly

Alexandria said:


> He never smoked pot when we got married; he started one year or so into it. I thought it would be a once in awhile thing and it is an every day thing.


Huge red flag.

Ever hear the phrase "when I was a child I acted as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things"?

A guy that smokes pot when younger, then gives it up as he gets older, marries, etc... is on a healthy trajectory. What you husband did was reckless. He has regressed in his maturity. It's in the same league as the 45 year old guy that dumps his wife, buys a sports car, and takes up with a 19 year old girl. Reckless, irresponsible, immature & selfish.

The truth is, your marriage was never consummated (yes, I know it technically refers to sex, but there is a wider meaning that applies here). What you really have is a "friends with benefits" arrangement plus a piece of paper (and if I had to wager money, I would bet there he had other "friends" these past four years).

Marriage, for most men, comes with a huge feeling of responsibility. I felt like I had taken a weight upon my shoulders. I was now responsible for another person (and potentially more in the future). It's very sobering.

Now, you are trying to turn it into real marriage. And, for the first time, he is starting to feel that weight of responsibility; that sobering feeling. My guess is he doesn't like it, and that's why he is throwing up excuse after excuse.

The dog is not your problem. The problem is your "husband" has never fully come to grips with the fact that he is married. It has been all fun and no responsibility--till now. Now he's faced with a wife (a real wife), children, a mortgage, car payments, maintaining a career (not just a job), and all the other responsibilities that go along with being married; he's faced with finally growing up and becoming a man. 

This is your wedding day, not that ceremony you had four years ago. And, your "husband" is getting ready to leave you at the alter.

Sorry for such a blunt assessment, but that's they way I see it. Sugarcoating never helps anyone.


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## Alexandria

I won't get shots; plus, I understand that as an adult, it does not help and only when you are young. Yes, maybe deeper problems, but we get along so well.



Maneo said:


> The husband spends more time with the dog than with the wife if husband and wife only get together a couple times a week. And this has been going on for four years? This was a train wreck waiting to happen.
> If the allergy is that bad, there was never serious discussion about some sort if resolution ? Was the plan to always live apart?
> If he is unwilling to do more, that indicates deeper relationship problems.
> Has there been consideration of allergy shots to suppress the allergic reactions?


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## Alexandria

Well, he wants to live with me. I am fine living apart, but would like to live with him, but not as much as he wants to live with me, so I have not been begging for years. And, I am the one who is more sexual. It is not the ideal situation. It hurts me.



Thumper said:


> That cake must taste great for him, he gets the best of all worlds here. Sex, a distant relationship he really doesn't have to answer too 5 days a week. The dog can be used to keep it that way. Are you sure you really know what your getting into? after 4 years.


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## Alexandria

Thank you for being so honest, I really appreciate it. See my comments below.



Blue Firefly said:


> Huge red flag.
> 
> Ever hear the phrase "when I was a child I acted as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things"?
> 
> A guy that smokes pot when younger, then gives it up as he gets older, marries, etc... is on a healthy trajectory. What you husband did was reckless. He has regressed in his maturity. It's in the same league as the 45 year old guy that dumps his wife, buys a sports car, and takes up with a 19 year old girl. Reckless, irresponsible, immature & selfish. HE HAS A GREAT JOB THAT HE HAS HAD FOR YEARS, BUT YES, THE POT SMOKING IS CHILDISH AS IS THE SMOKING AND THE DOG. HIS PASTOR TOLD HIM HE WAS SELFISH. I GUESS HE LISTEND TO THAT FOR A BIT AND THEN DISREGARDED.
> 
> The truth is, your marriage was never consummated (yes, I know it technically refers to sex, but there is a wider meaning that applies here). What you really have is a "friends with benefits" arrangement plus a piece of paper (and if I had to wager money, I would bet there he had other "friends" these past four years). NAH, NO OTHER FRIENDS, BUT NO, NOT A REAL MARRIAGE AND HERE I AM LOOKING FOR RENTALS.
> 
> Marriage, for most men, comes with a huge feeling of responsibility. I felt like I had taken a weight upon my shoulders. I was now responsible for another person (and potentially more in the future). It's very sobering. YES, IT IS.
> 
> Now, you are trying to turn it into real marriage. And, for the first time, he is starting to feel that weight of responsibility; that sobering feeling. My guess is he doesn't like it, and that's why he is throwing up excuse after excuse. THE DOG IS HIS EXCUSE I GUESS. HE THINKS WE CAN MAKE IT WORK WITH HIM THERE AND IT WON'T.
> 
> The dog is not your problem. The problem is your "husband" has never fully come to grips with the fact that he is married. It has been all fun and no responsibility--till now. Now he's faced with a wife (a real wife), children, a mortgage, car payments, maintaining a career (not just a job), and all the other responsibilities that go along with being married; he's faced with finally growing up and becoming a man. I AM WIFE NUMBER THREE, SO HE KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE MARRIED AND KNOWS RESPONSIBILITY. I ACTUALLY THINK IT IS ME HE DOES NOT WANT.
> 
> This is your wedding day, not that ceremony you had four years ago. And, your "husband" is getting ready to leave you at the alter. GOOD ANALOGY.
> 
> Sorry for such a blunt assessment, but that's they way I see it. Sugarcoating never helps anyone.


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## Thumper

I'm not sure what you want any of us to say. Your telling us your fine living apart, and HE WANTS to live with you more than you with him?? BUT the dog is the priority? Of course he's happy he's in a part-time marriage with all the sex he wants, and no one telling him what he has to do. You might just find out that living together, you might not get along so well. Your marriage is almost like a mid distance affair in my opinion.


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## Blue Firefly

Alexandria said:


> Well, he wants to live with me. I am fine living apart, but would like to live with him, but not as much as he wants to live with me...


Until it became a real possibility, then he started throwing up roadblocks.

It's easy to say you want something when there isn't a chance of it happening. You get all kinds of brownie points.

If he wanted you to move in with him, the dog would have been long gone. Don't believe me, then try this test: you find another home for the dog. Find another good home for the dog--one with kids and a yard. Then explain to him how the dog would be better off with a yard to play in and children to play with it (which in fact, would be the truth). If he really loved the dog, he would let it go to a better home. 

If he refuses to part with the dog at that point, then you have your answer. It's not the dog (because you have found a better situation for the dog), it's that he really doesn't want you to move in.


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## Alexandria

Yes, it is marriage on paper only. I thought we would have moved in together a long time ago. I only have one requirement. Clean air. And, that means no dog in the house and he does not want to do that. It is so immature to me. I told him this. I told him that I am a human, his wife, and that I should come first over his dog and I told him he could find another (better) home for this cattle dog (living in a tiny house). He freaks out and says "no."





Thumper said:


> I'm not sure what you want any of us to say. Your telling us your fine living apart, and HE WANTS to live with you more than you with him?? BUT the dog is the priority? Of course he's happy he's in a part-time marriage with all the sex he wants, and no one telling him what he has to do. You might just find out that living together, you might not get along so well. Your marriage is almost like a mid distance affair in my opinion.


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## tacoma

Alexandria said:


> Yes, it is marriage on paper only. I thought we would have moved in together a long time ago. I only have one requirement. Clean air. And, that means no dog in the house and he does not want to do that. It is so immature to me. I told him this. I told him that I am a human, his wife, and that I should come first over his dog and I told him he could find another (better) home for this cattle dog (living in a tiny house). He freaks out and says "no."


Then all you have left is to ask yourself why you want to live with a man who finds you less valuable than a dog?


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## Alexandria

I know, that is what makes me upset. I think if I did not have all of my disabilties, I would have been gone a long time ago, but I think he is the best I can do and that nobody else will want me, so I just tolerate it and that has made me grow resentful.


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## Thumper

Sounds like you could use a health dose of self confidence. If the picture in your profile is actually you, I don't care what your disbabilities are, you WILL find someone that can make you happy. Remember none of us are perfect, but finding someone that is perfect for you is not that hard.


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## Alexandria

I have had a failed back surgery, I have insomnia and tinnitus. I am a bit of a mess. When I did not have these things, I was fine and had perfect self esteem and now I don't. I believe nobody will want to deal with these things. It sucks. And, yes, that is me, like 6 years ago; my hair is longer and darker now. Even though people say, "Oh, you look pretty." I certainly don't feel it. I would rather be ugly and totally healthy.


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## Thumper

Maybe some TAM posters can recommend a good book on self confidence. You say you have a good sex life and get along with him well. So why cant you have the same with someone different if it came down to that? Who cares if you cant run a 5k tomorrow, that's not what a relationship should be built on anyways.


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## Blue Firefly

Alexandria said:


> I have had a failed back surgery, I have insomnia and tinnitus. I am a bit of a mess. When I did not have these things, I was fine and had perfect self esteem and now I don't. I believe nobody will want to deal with these things. It sucks. And, yes, that is me, like 6 years ago; my hair is longer and darker now. Even though people say, "Oh, you look pretty." I certainly don't feel it. I would rather be ugly and totally healthy.


I can relate to that, having had some nagging physical problems since childhood. There was a time when I would have traded the world to get rid of them. As I got older though, my opinion changed.

1) Everyone has physical problems. If they don't when young, they'll develop them as they get older.

2) I decided to look at my problems as a blessing rather than a curse. I was more empathetic towards people with real problems. I also developed a healthy disdain for whiners--people that build problems out of molehills.

My problems helped me mature and have a healthier outlook on life. I'm certainly able to put things into their proper perspective.

Problems come in all shapes and sizes. Your "husband" has some serious problems--they may not be physical, but they are certainly more serious than any your have (except for your problem of being married to him).

Spend some time reading the threads on this forum. Think about what some of the men on these threads put up with from their "physically perfect" wives--think of the problems those men have to live with. Back problems, insomnia, ringing in the ears? Most of those men would trade their wives in for someone like you in a heartbeat.


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## tacoma

Alexandria said:


> I have had a failed back surgery, I have insomnia and tinnitus. I am a bit of a mess. When I did not have these things, I was fine and had perfect self esteem and now I don't. I believe nobody will want to deal with these things. It sucks. And, yes, that is me, like 6 years ago; my hair is longer and darker now. Even though people say, "Oh, you look pretty." I certainly don't feel it. I would rather be ugly and totally healthy.


Quite honestly Alexandria none of those disabilities would be deal breakers for me and I don't think they'd be for many other men either.
Depending of course on the severity of them I can't see a lot of men calling them deal breakers.

You're physically attractive, intelligent, witty, independent, and introspective.
Those are qualities most mature men want in a woman.

I understand some insecurity due to your health problems but I do think you may be exaggerating the effects they'd have on men a bit which is not doing your self esteem much good.

I think you're far ahead of your H as far as desirable mates goes.


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## Alexandria

I guess I have not gotten to that point where I accept my problems. And yes, people do develop problems when they get older as may he, but I agree he has some problems, now, like immaturity and selfishness. Is it me? Don't know, but I don't want to spend a long time figuring it out. I have offered him an "out," and he says no, he wants to try to come up with solutions. Not sure how many solutions there are with a dog. It is either in or out. All I know is that I have a very sexually healthy appetite and he does not always. I am very good to him, help him in every way and love and respect him. We are affectionate, do small things, etc. etc. But, this is just a big slap in the face.




Blue Firefly said:


> I can relate to that, having had some nagging physical problems since childhood. There was a time when I would have traded the world to get rid of them. As I got older though, my opinion changed.
> 
> 1) Everyone has physical problems. If they don't when young, they'll develop them as they get older.
> 
> 2) I decided to look at my problems as a blessing rather than a curse. I was more empathetic towards people with real problems. I also developed a healthy disdain for whiners--people that build problems out of molehills.
> 
> My problems helped me mature and have a healthier outlook on life. I'm certainly able to put things into their proper perspective.
> 
> Problems come in all shapes and sizes. Your "husband" has some serious problems--they may not be physical, but they are certainly more serious than any your have (except for your problem of being married to him).
> 
> Spend some time reading the threads on this forum. Think about what some of the men on these threads put up with from their "physically perfect" wives--think of the problems those men have to live with. Back problems, insomnia, ringing in the ears? Most of those men would trade their wives in for someone like you in a heartbeat.


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## Alexandria

Thank you for your post. I know men have "some" problems with it. It is hard to live with someone who never sleeps, has constant ringing and back pain. It is pretty hard to live with and hard to not complain about it. I try my hardest not to though. I used to be so optomistic, going to get a Phd, etc., and it all stopped after the back surgery. I have stagnated. I used to have one life and now I have another. Plus, I will have to apply for disability one day. Will a man want that?






tacoma said:


> Quite honestly Alexandria none of those disabilities would be deal breakers for me and I don't think they'd be for many other men either.
> Depending of course on the severity of them I can't see a lot of men calling them deal breakers.
> 
> You're physically attractive, intelligent, witty, independent, and introspective.
> Those are qualities most mature men want in a woman.
> 
> I understand some insecurity due to your health problems but I do think you may be exaggerating the effects they'd have on men a bit which is not doing your self esteem much good.
> 
> I think you're far ahead of your H as far as desirable mates goes.


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## Thundarr

Alexandria said:


> I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have always lived separate. My lease is up and I want to move in with him, but he has a dog I am allergic to. He is a big dog, an Australian Cattle Dog...he barks and bites and sheds everywhere. He said he would keep the dog in a room with a door that goes outside, but honestly, I don't believe this is a good compromise as I am an asthmatic and am very allergic to him. I don't want to not go into that room. I also have insomnia and a disabled back, so I am already operating at a disadvantage. I told him to get a shed with an A/C and a chair and the dog can live here and the back yard. He won't do that. So, he is in essence, choosing his dog over me or my needs. It is very hurtful and I would leave, but I could lose my job soon and would have no options, so I am operating from fear. I love him and we get along, but this is such a tough issue. Every time I talk to someone out this, they say it is a no-brainer and I come over a dog. I believe this in my heart, but would hate to lose my husband. Ideas please?


Was this part of the original reason for living separate? It seems like you guys set the stage for differing living environments by doing it for four years.

So how old is this dog? That does make a difference. For example, I couldn't put him out if he'd been with me for years and was getting older. But then again, I'd work my butt off and find some scenario that would work. We have human attachment to pets even though they're not human. Dog expecially for me. I think it's because they are like little children who depend on us and don't understand when we start treating them different. Now if he's a young dog then he could get used to being outside. Maybe a fenced in area that connects to the house or something.


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## PBear

Your husband is clearly telling you what his priorities are, and honey, you're not in the top 3. Dog or no dog, I doubt that's going to change. Your husband is on his third marriage now... Maybe you should think about why he's taking such a gamble to move on to wife #4 (as in, he's not making an effort to keep you happy).

And +1 on the getting therapy for your self-esteem and self-confidence. You don't deserve to have to settle for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

How old are you? How old is your husband? How long did you date before you married him? 

C


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## Alexandria

No, I don't feel in the top. He says I am, but actions speak louder than words. Yeah, he may want number four and he made a mistake marrying someone with such disabilities and this is his way of making me go away. Very possible. He does so many other things to keep me happy, but not this and this is number one. He writes me love letters, we take walks, we have sex, we laugh, play games, talk, talk, talk and kiss, kiss, kiss. We call each other all the time. It is like it is almost perfect, except this. He said he wants both and I say both is not possible. We are both in our mid 40's. We are the same age. We dated a year, were engaged for a year or so and then got married, so we have had 1.5 years to move in. He was getting money to fix his house, which has many issues, so I was in a lease and he was waiting for the money, so now is the time of trutha and the truth is coming out. I even said I would pay for a nice man cave/shed for the two of them. What else could one ask for? I think that is reasonable. 

Thanks for your post.






PBear said:


> Your husband is clearly telling you what his priorities are, and honey, you're not in the top 3. Dog or no dog, I doubt that's going to change. Your husband is on his third marriage now... Maybe you should think about why he's taking such a gamble to move on to wife #4 (as in, he's not making an effort to keep you happy).
> 
> And +1 on the getting therapy for your self-esteem and self-confidence. You don't deserve to have to settle for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.
> 
> How old are you? How old is your husband? How long did you date before you married him?
> 
> C


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## The other story

I'm with Thumper. I'm sure the lease has ended long before now. I am in this same situation but my husband is on the side of not wanting the dog. I am not here to judge you or your husband because I don't know his side. All I can say is if you knew he was a dog person before you married him you should have thought long and hard before continuing the relationship. I understand your allergies but you knew he had a dog when you met him. I once went out on a date with a guy that didn't like dogs. That was our last date. He loves his dog and you and he was compromising by keeping the dog in one room. Also dogs don't belong sitting outside like a lawn ornament. The deserve to be part of the family. They have feelings too. You two have a very unfortunate situation here, but you have to take some responsibility about your decisions. Dogs are wonderful creatures and you can't just expect that he would just get rid of it. People can love their dogs just like one of their kids. Be sensitive to his feelings too. Maybe you two should live apart until the dog is gone. You still see each other and it's been four years and seems to be working. I don't know, but please try to work it out together.


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## highwood

Thumper said:


> Maybe some TAM posters can recommend a good book on self confidence. You say you have a good sex life and get along with him well. So why cant you have the same with someone different if it came down to that? Who cares if you cant run a 5k tomorrow, that's not what a relationship should be built on anyways.


Self confidence comes from doing things, so get out and enjoy life regardless of disabilities...join a group, take a class, volunteer, etc. etc. etc. Set goals for yourself and work toward achieving them. That is how you develop self confidence. Playing the poor me is not going to get you a healthy guy either down the road. 

All of the things I mentioned are still things you can do with your physical limitations. The choice is yours either keep playing the victim or get out and do stuff.


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## highwood

The other story said:


> I'm with Thumper. I'm sure the lease has ended long before now. I am in this same situation but my husband is on the side of not wanting the dog. I am not here to judge you or your husband because I don't know his side. All I can say is if you knew he was a dog person before you married him you should have thought long and hard before continuing the relationship. I understand your allergies but you knew he had a dog when you met him. I once went out on a date with a guy that didn't like dogs. That was our last date. He loves his dog and you and he was compromising by keeping the dog in one room. Also dogs don't belong sitting outside like a lawn ornament. The deserve to be part of the family. They have feelings too. You two have a very unfortunate situation here, but you have to take some responsibility about your decisions. Dogs are wonderful creatures and you can't just expect that he would just get rid of it. People can love their dogs just like one of their kids. Be sensitive to his feelings too. Maybe you two should live apart until the dog is gone. You still see each other and it's been four years and seems to be working. I don't know, but please try to work it out together.



:iagree:

As an animal lover I so agree. You knew he had a dog when you met him, I would not give up my pets for some guy nor would I expect some guy to give up his pets for me.


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## Anuvia

Well the dog is loyal and doesn't talk back. Can't say I blame him.


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## chillymorn

I vote this one of the weirdest threads I've ever read!!!!!

wonder what happened?


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## doubletrouble

Alexandria said:


> Thank you for your post. I know men have "some" problems with it. It is hard to live with someone who never sleeps, has constant ringing and back pain. It is pretty hard to live with and hard to not complain about it. I try my hardest not to though. I used to be so optomistic, going to get a Phd, etc., and it all stopped after the back surgery. I have stagnated. I used to have one life and now I have another. Plus, I will have to apply for disability one day. Will a man want that?


Don't sell yourself short. You have a lot going for you. Yes, a man could certainly want that. Don't let this affect your self esteem so much. This "husband" of yours doesn't know what he has, or is about to lose if he chooses his friggin canine over you. And that should be fine with you. 

You're going to be fine. Hell, I have ringing in my ears, have for many years, occasional back pain etc and it's never stopped my romantic life. 

Is that a picture of you in your avatar? With a pretty face like that you could launch a thousand ships. Don't let this stuff slow you down!


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## doubletrouble

highwood said:


> :iagree:
> 
> As an animal lover I so agree. You knew he had a dog when you met him, I would not give up my pets for some guy nor would I expect some guy to give up his pets for me.


As an animal lover, former farm boy and dog person, I disagree. He also knew going into this what HER problems were. If this was a deal breaker, why wasn't it a deal breaker up front? There are two sides to every story.


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## frusdil

Well I think she's being unreasonable and not willing to compromise. She wants the dog outside and that's that. 

I don't see the problem with a room with a dog door that gives the dog access to the yard. Even if she can't go in there. What's the big deal?

Allergy shots do work for adults, my husband takes them (he's allergic to pets too). He loves our dogs and cats and would never ask me to give them up (they came with me).

If her husband goes outside to play with the dog he's going to come in with fur on him anyway, it doesn't matter if it's in the room (for the dog) or outside.


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## Ella Belle

Dear frusdil,

I realize it has been a few years since your original post. I hope and pray that things worked out for the best for you! 

In my opinion, you were going to be in for a very rough ride with your husband! Selfish people do not change, but they do change you! It sounded like he valued his dog before he valued you, and that was so sad.

Hopefully, things got better or you moved on. Either way, my prayers are for a happy life for you girl!


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## MidnightBlue

Ella Belle said:


> I've been with my husband over 20 years. 5 years ago we adopted an Australian Cattle Dog pup from our local animal shelter. She was supposed to be my dog for companionship, but after a few weeks she decided to bond with my husband and not with me. My husband is somewhat mentally disabled due to a brain injury. He is like a permanent dementia patient, not remembering what he does or where he is at. He has occasional outbursts of violence and temper tantrums. He argues constantly about the littlest of things and most times does not even remember what he started the argument about. This dog totally adores him and whenever he has an outburst at me, the dog has taken to growling, barking and finally actually attacking me. My husband seems to enjoy this behavior of hers and he encourages it by praising her for it.
> 
> Last evening things got way out of hand after I served my husband a favorite meal of his that he somehow decided he did not like anymore. He was complaining about the meal and got himself all worked up and angry about it. I finally got sick of the verbal abuse so I got up and started to leave the room. The dog jumped up from beside his chair and knocked me down on the floor and then started mauling me and wounding me in several places. Instead of calling the dog off and trying to help me, my mental husband started yelling at her that she was a good girl and encouraging her to "git" me some more! I was able to finally kick the dog off me and get away from her to another room, but not without some bloody wounds on me.
> 
> That night, after cleaning up my wounds, I packed up some of my stuff, tossed it out the bedroom window, climbed out the window myself, loaded my truck and drove off to sleep in a Walmart parking lot until I could figure out what to do and to get some money from the bank the next morning.
> 
> The next morning I got a motel room and am now looking for an apartment to rent.
> 
> So, yes I truly believe that a dog can cause a divorce because that is exactly what I am going to do with my husband this week. Enough is enough and that wicked dog can have him!


Honey, you need to report that dog and man to the authorities before someone gets hurt or killed. It’s only a matter of time before the dog or your husband decides the mailman, delivery person, neighbor, etc., is a threat. Your husband set a dog on his own wife. He and the dog are dangerous.


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## Ella Belle

i have reported him to our local sheriff department as a disabled adult that needs assistance who now lives alone. i also reported that the dog is aggressive, but i did not tell them it actually attacked me or they will take the dog away from my husband and destroy it. They have checked on him today already and they think he will be OK by himself for a few days. They told him that he needs to keep the dog leashed, tied up, or contained in a room the house when they come in to check on him. They realize he does have brain damage and are going to do welfare checks on him every 2 days now until we figure out something better for him.


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## username77

Having been married 17 years and the owner of 2 dogs, I can honestly say my dogs love me more (A LOT more), are much more faithful, and provide me with companionship free of expectations when compared to my wife. I would choose the dog too.


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