# New marriage already failing...



## PuraVida (Oct 5, 2011)

I am new to this website, and I am just looking for some advice because right now my husband and I do not have insurance and cannot afford counseling, so I guess talking it out here could do some good. 

Some background information: I am 24 years old and a student teacher, I got married to my husband in February. After getting married, things gradually began to go downhill and now it's complete chaos and we are both not sure what went so terribly wrong. 

We moved into a condo around the same time I began my 1 year Masters program which is super condensed and doesn't leave me any time except for student teaching and school work. 

He still has not completed his AA and took a semester off, so he works with his cousin in a joint-venture kiosk business (mall kiosks). 

I personally feel like I do so much work--I wake up at 5:30 am, walk to dog then leave for work and make it home at 9:30. He sleeps in until 1 or 2 p.m. and doesn't even take out the trash. 

We have had so many talks about this, and I absolutely hate being a nag, but if I don't tell him, nothing will ever get done.

I never saw this side of him before marriage, but I now feel I am married to an irresponsible and lazy person who is not accountable for anything. I just feel overworked and overwhelmed...and lately my temper has gotten the best of me. 

On one occasion, I completely blew up and smacked him. I know it was wrong, but I was angrier than I had ever been--it was like this horrible rage took over. 

Ever since then, he beats me regularly, I am covered in bruises and I always cover myself so this kids won't see them. I don't want to tell anyone I know what is going on because I hate being judged and I don't want people to talk. I know my real friends will understand, but I am just very shy and private. 

I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. If I could just control my temper more and not lash out then he wouldn't beat me until I couldn't walk. One of these days I feel like he will kill me...he throws me down the stairs, punches me in the mouth, and kicks me when I'm on the ground. I can't take it anymore. 

He said he will go to counseling...but we don't have money for that. I am stuck and alone.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

sounds like you both need anger management. Lets be honest here. Your temper may be hot but its under your control. Your mouth won't open and your punch won't fly unless you allow it. Don't! 

that being said if this man is beating you and wont go to anger management and make significant progress. Get out now! This is more dangerous than you know. 

I have been in public safety for almost 30 years and I can tell you this kind of behavior almost always escalates without intervention. I have seen literally thousands of women who will stay in a relationship like this and sometimes they don't make it. You need to tell him it is his responsibility to find the money for it or you are gone. That you won't be getting your ass whipped again. 

You have to do this for your safety. This situation is dangerous!


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Please leave, don't be a statistic. This will NOT get any better, only worse. Don't even go home for your stuff at this point. Go live with a friend, a brother, or your father. Go back for your stuff when you have help to come with you. When you slapped him he should have left you, daily beatings are never the right option and you do not deserve it. It is not your fault. Don't let him convince you of this. He will continue to bring you down further and further until you are broken. Please leave, get some help.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He beats you. Nuff said. Leave him.


----------



## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

Yep...if you are being beaten, you need to leave. But I know that we can tell you that all day but until you realize it, you won't be able to do it. Please don't blame yourself for instigating his behavior. I have slapped my husband before (during that early living together struggle for power phase) and he has never come close to hitting me. Get out now, while you still can!


----------



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Leave Period


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Do you have anyone around who can help you leave? If he beats you, you need to get out. You are not safe staying. Look for a local women's shelter or a church to help you.


----------



## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

You need to get out. Run don't walk.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I hope that you leave before he kills you.

Having said that, I have seen plenty of marriages recover from physical abuse. Any hitting was immediately followed with police taking the abusive husband away. The couple has to legally stay apart until the court gives the husband mandated counseling. 

I have seen this whole process scare the man straight, into never being violent again...the threat of jail is enough. Of course, this means that the wife has to be strong enough to make the abusive husband accountable. Your situation is entirely different.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry for a man's perspective but this one's easy. Get out now. It will get worse and worse. Soon you will have 1 or 2 kids together and it will be too late. You'll be working 9 hours a day, picking up the kids, cleaning the house, and he will come home drunk and smack you and your baby around. You will cry and say something and he will take a belt and really beat the crap out of you to teach you a lesson. The next day he will apologize but tell you that you made him do it. 

You will not want to leave because of the kids, you two will talk things out, a little progress will be made, and when you mention something he will again beat the crap out of you, and laugh when you say you leave. Right now, you have no children or signficant financial entangements. You have a lazy, abusive husband who somehow convinced you that part of this is your fault. You have already become somewhat disfunctional.


----------

