# What has being married taught you?



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

When I look at the woman I am today versus the woman I was before I met my husband, the difference is quite staggering. 

What have you learned from being married?

A few of my favorite lessons:

*No matter how much I wish it were true, I'm NOT always right. 
*No man can read my mind!
*There are ways to disagree without hurting anyone's feelings. 
*Screaming matches don't solve problems. Thoughtful discussions can. 
*It doesn't really matter how clean my home is, as long as it's warm and inviting.


What about you?


----------



## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hmm...the lessons I think I have learned are:

*I am not _Always_ right.
*Learning to Compromise.
*It doesn't have to be my way or the highway.
*There are better ways to solve conflicts without using anger.
*That I'm stuck with his family, whether we get along or not. Same as he is stuck with them.
*To never discuss my relationship with my husband with anyone that is related to either of us. (unless it will never be used against either of us.)

I think those are the biggest things I have learned.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That nothing lasts forever, that marriage requires effort regardless of passion, that people change and grow apart, that sex can be exhausting, that boundaries are best established early on rather than later, that rebuilding trust isn't easy at all, and that I'm better off never knowing what love feels again


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Marriage isn't for everybody.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Being single isn't so bad.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> That nothing lasts forever


This is true. Especially with life. 



hookares said:


> Marriage isn't for everybody.


No it's not. Ask my brother's horrible, horrible STBXW. (Who's leaving him after she slept with his best friend, turned him down the first time he proposed, racked up $40k in credit card debt and only told him after they were married aaaaand he took care of her through cancer. I don't believe she'll ever find marital bliss.) 



unbelievable said:


> Being single isn't so bad.


I never thought it was...truth be told, singledom has immense perks that marriage can't afford.


----------



## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

That my efforts before getting hitched to explicitly discuss with my wife what her values, hopes, dreams, etc. were for our marriage really didn't amount to much. I told her what I sought from marriage, how I hoped we would live and what our lives would be together, and she explicitly agreed with all of it. That combined with her solid family background made me think we could make a good go of it despite my rough background. If anyone screwed up, I would. 

But no, despite her assurances and my efforts to be a solid husband, our lives have been greatly troubled by our lack of shared values, of her need to follow the "eat pray love" narrative all the time despite claiming differently. So the real lesson for me is that no matter how much great communication goes on, one person can still thoroughly destroy the other through marriage despite one's best efforts. Our counselor disagrees of course, lol. 

Now WW and our counselor are hard at work getting me to realize that we do share values after all, and my wife was simply "lost" for a while, "a while" meaning basically our entire 17 years together.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Being single isn't so bad.


Single is nice with a girl or a few on the side. Probably the best, looking back I still remember I had a good thing going until I got collared by a psychopath and didn't know how to handle her - and I ended up having an emotional affair with my wife/friend at that time, which later resulted in me finally learning how to break up with my gf, which later resulted in her sudden defensiveness at the possibility of being my rebound...

Which later resulted in us realising how being best mates for a year with a few come and go emotional moments and ongoing sexual tension really was nuts... which later resulted in her getting pregnant, which later resulted in us getting married... which later resulted in us now getting divorced.

My story is so FKED :rofl:

Now I'm back to being single, except for being a single dad, and minus the FWBs (for the moment)


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It taught me that if it stinks, it's prolly shet.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Trust your gut and follow through. Yes, you married them, but do you really know them? Heh. I thought so. WRONG.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I will be happy "single". But I am not lonely 

I know NOW that I can have love and commitment without that stupid piece of paper. I'll not marry again.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I tried to make a list. Every thing on it was too unpolitically correct. 


I HEARD OUR BABY 'S HEARTBEAT TODAY!!!!!


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I tried to make a list. Every thing on it was too unpolitically correct.
> 
> I HEARD OUR BABY 'S HEARTBEAT TODAY!!!!!


No one said you had to be PC!


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I learnt the need to think about and care about someone other than MEEEEEEE. That all my choices and decisions effected both of us.

Mind you I was 19 when I met H and 23 when we married. Up until then I was your typical bratty teenager (and the baby in my family to boot)... everything WAS about meeeee!


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I learnt the need to think about and care about someone other than MEEEEEEE. That all my choices and decisions effected both of us.
> 
> Mind you I was 19 when I met H and 23 when we married. Up until then I was your typical bratty teenager (and the baby in my family to boot)... everything WAS about meeeee!


Oh wow that was one of mine! Not the baby but the youngest girl. I had to drop my drama queen ways QUICK!


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

How to receive love
My husband is not responsible for my happiness
How to give of myself without resentment or expectations
How to relax
Conflict doesn't mean that only one of us is right
How to ask for what I need


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

waiwera said:


> I learnt the need to think about and care about someone other than MEEEEEEE. That all my choices and decisions effected both of us.
> 
> Mind you I was 19 when I met H and 23 when we married. Up until then I was your typical bratty teenager (and the baby in my family to boot)... everything WAS about meeeee!





committed4ever said:


> Oh wow that was one of mine! Not the baby but the youngest girl. I had to drop my drama queen ways QUICK!


You're right!!! I didn't even have that fully figured out BEFORE I got married!

Pretty eye opening, huh?


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So far I have learned that I made the right choice by picking my H. And that it pays to be kinder, gentler and more forgiving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Awww nice 

I do plan to be committed again :rofl:....well, not COMMITTED but committed to a person. Just not married. And I'll call her my wife or call him my husband too. Just labels. Seriously.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A piece of paper and a ring doesn't make anyone a spouse any more than a hat makes someone a cowboy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd rather have a cowboy hat than my marriage license.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Awww nice
> 
> I do plan to be committed again :rofl:....well, not COMMITTED but committed to a person. Just not married. And I'll call her my wife or call him my husband too. Just labels. Seriously.


I feel like such a hypocrite when I say this...but I never really understood women who were just super stoked to get married. I didn't change my last name, we've both lost our rings (good thing they were super cheap!), basically being married just makes it a lot more expensive to break up! But hey, there are awesome tax breaks, too!!! 

But, the way I know I'm on to a good thing is that marriage didn't make anything feel different in our relationship. We've evolved as people, grown together, maintained separate personal interests, etc, etc. And again, I can't tell the future...but no matter how frustrated I've become, I'm still willing to put in the work to make it last a life time. Who knows what life will throw at us down the line, but so far, all the work has been worth it. 

(Except for a February fight we once had where I tried to sleep in the car and then got mad at him for letting me go out in the cold. Yes, I can be insane and No, that was not worth anything at all. Other than a laughable story now.)


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I'd rather have a cowboy hat than my marriage license.


OK, seriously, you need to put that on a Tshirt ASAP:smthumbup:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I didn't get any tax breaks with marriage. Omg. My STBX was a douche and we always owed because of HIS issues.

I can't wait to file taxes SINGLE .....with 2 kids?? Holy crap...I'll make bank.

He gets to claim the house, I get to claim the kids.  Kids won't be sold....oh yea. shh.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

How much a divorce costs


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It has taught me that:

-the relationship is a game that isn't always, or never, logical, and when a person is of a logical nature in the rest of their life, a relationship can be difficult

- a relationship does not come natural as i once thought.

- Apparently love that bonds people to desire marriage is a different type than any other. that sounds like a "duh" statement, but I never knew anyone to sever ties with their mother, father, brother, or sister just because they no longer felt they made them happy for some trivial reasons.

- you never truly know someone.

- there is a lot to learn and know about relationships. I was naive enough to think that if two people were in love in their early 20s, that would take care of things. Wrong.

- being single isn't bad at all. 

- it is possible to not be fascinated by women


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

- That marriage is the number 1 cause of divorce


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'd rather have a cowboy hat than my marriage license.


Amen, sistah! Love it!!! I live in Tucson, and we have our fair share of real cowboys in southern Arizona. Heck, I'd pay to have that teeshirt.

So, tg, how soon can you begin production on the teeshirts? I'll gladly be your first customer!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Oh, yeah, and BTW, I suck at being married. One of life's truly hard lessons learned the hard way!


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Tsk tsk tsk. What's wrong with all you haters? You lyin' you lyin' ...

that's from one of the t.v. shows that my H records and we crack up watching it. We can imitate them both to a tee but both of us want to be Stephen A.

I think the number one thing marriage has taught me is doing something for someone else, with no strings attached. Just because you know it makes them happy. I like that doing that for my H because he's just worth it to me. That's just who he is.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

- Marriage #1 taught me that I need to listen to my inner voice, follow my gut. I really wasnt happy with the relationship before we married, but I did it anyway. 

- Marriage #2 taught me that you really never know what you're gonna get, and that sometimes no matter how nice you are, people suck. 

- Marriage #3 taught me (among other things) that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. 

In general terms, my marriages taught me that I really do LIKE being married. Weird, right? :scratchhead: They also told me that I cannot choose a partner for myself for SH!T!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I didn't get any tax breaks with marriage. Omg. My STBX was a douche and we always owed because of HIS issues.
> 
> I can't wait to file taxes SINGLE .....with 2 kids?? Holy crap...I'll make bank.
> 
> He gets to claim the house, I get to claim the kids.  Kids won't be sold....oh yea. shh.


Getting married to make money is like buying a herd of goats to grow grass.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Marraige (23 yrs.) has taught me: 

That my perspective is right, until I listen to his perspective. The truth is somewhere in between.

Love is expressed in many ways. Sometimes physically, sometimes getting up and turning off the overhead light when we're both already in bed.

Getting in a silent snit doesn't solve problems. (Me) Took me a long time to learn that one.

It's good to learn about football so I can watch it with him and enjoy it. It's better when he rubs my feet while I'm watching. Sharing hobbies now and again helps.

Treat each other's parents with respect and as much affection as you can muster. They won't always be there, but you'll remember each other's kindness and patience. (We only have 1 parent left.)

Have a sense of humor. It helps a lot if you can laugh at situations.

Always present a united front to the kids. Have a pow wow before you talk to them about something serious. Come to agreement. Don't undercut each other with children.

Keep looking how to improve things. Marriage has its seasons and ups and downs. Be kind to each other.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

"What has being married taught you?"

That I have a sh!t ton of issues that I have hidden and buried and ran from in order to cope and survive, because I didn't know how to fix or resolve them. Issues that I didn't even know I had.

Issues that I cant hide or conceal from someone who sees me every day, sees the shape of my mind, the content of my actions, who sees what drives me, what I fear, what makes me hide, and who can piece aspects of me together that I never knew were asunder. Someone that can see me, even when I cant see myself.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

"marriage like a car needs regular maintenance or the wheels could fall off"

"lust fades, love lasts"

"you get more in return if you put others first"

"My wife cannot read minds so I have to tell her what I want / need. (She is good at picking up at hints though unlike me)"

"even if you love someone with all of your heart it does not mean that you have to agree them all of the time, it is normal and healthy to disagree from time to time, the trick is dealing with those differences"


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My marriage has taught me: 

There really are people in the world who don't know, and will refuse to accept, that two individuals can feel differently about a situation without one of them being wrong/crazy/stubborn/difficult.

If a relationship forces me to choose between respecting myself and loving him, I need to pick me. Every time. 

There's a difference in doing a selfish thing and being a selfish person. The first is fixable, the latter is not.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I learned that my husband is not my friend and to not give air to every single thought in my head.

That leaving some mystery to who I am and how I feel is a good thing. Remember, some things that I confided to my husband was stuff that he used against me...... ie, well, you said you didn't like her so I had to be even nicer to her to compensate ........

That logic and consistency will not always be honored, therefore, trust and honor your emotions and how you feel about things. 

that being selfish is not always a bad thing. You don't have to say yes to everything. Just because your female friends insist that your husband join does not mean that you have to agree to it.....


oh and so on........


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Getting married to make money is like buying a herd of goats to grow grass.


I understand that. But everyone talks about the wonderful tax breaks.

LMAO never saw them


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Being married taught me that life sux then u die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

I want to quote so many of you here, but unfortunately I'm not made of time!

I did want to say...the intent of my post was to hear positive things, but the negative aspects many of you have pointed out are surprisingly refreshing. 

Marriage is NOT for everyone, you never truly know your partner inside and out (frankly, if you did, all mystery dies and then what's left?) and you can never predict the future. 

Some of these posts have made me feel quite naive...I'm still young, haven't been married that long and again, no clue what the future will throw at us. 

In our total of 8 years together, we've faced job losses, grave financial instability, infidelity issues, family deaths (4 in the past two years), irresponsibility, overcoming selfishness, simply learning to cohabitate, screaming matches, stubbornness, anger, hurt, despair, depression, anxiety...Good lord, the list is miles long. We've both considered leaving more than once and some times...being married is just about the most difficult, craziest thing two people can undertake. 

BUT...despite the days where we are literally ready to punch each other in the face and throw in the towel...we continue to learn and grow. As individuals, as people, as a couple...we've recently realized our mutual priorities have changed and it's thrown us for a loop. But we try every day to meet in the middle.

I don't think there's a guaranteed recipe for success. I look at my parents, who split after 25 years together (their reasons included substance abuse, infidelity, enabling, insurmountable debt, among many others) and after 5 years apart, they got back together. You don't choose whom you fall in love with, but as someone mentioned, you do chose to continue to love someone. 

I look at my brother, a model father and husband (but I know he's no innocent) and he's in the midst of a nasty divorce with an extremely selfish person. After 12 years, his life is falling apart and it's mainly because he locked himself to a person who never shared his common interests, never respected him and never tried to put him first (something he did for her ceaselessly). 

There's no solid recipe for marital success, I've found. But those who find success don't luck into it. People change, it's inevitable and sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people are just always awful and it's not noticed till too late. Sometimes it just takes people years to get tired of the work it takes to make a marriage last. 

Marriage (aside from parenting, I assume) is the toughest job out there. And sometimes...the rewards stop being worth the work. I've been jaded by all the work it takes, but thusfar, it's been worth it. At the end of a long 13 hour day, for just a little bit, I get to kick back with my best buddy, laugh at nonsense, zone out and watch TV, hell, sometimes I get laid...but rest assured, it has been an absolute roller coaster of emotion and I have no idea where we'll end up. 

There...your daily dose of rambles, courtesy of yours truly


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> I want to quote so many of you here, but unfortunately I'm not made of time!
> 
> I did want to say...the intent of my post was to hear positive things, but the negative aspects many of you have pointed out are surprisingly refreshing.
> 
> ...


I think your point of view embodies a lot of my own thoughts on marraige. Not that anyone can pinpoint any solid recipe for success...but one of the biggest things I've always thought was just how much work a marraige takes to keep it going.

One of the major things that attracted me to my husband in the first place was his work ethic and his never waivering commitment to getting the job done. He's NOT one of those people who throws in the towel when the going gets tough. He does not shy away from hard work, even when it becomes grueling. 

I know that doesn't mean that our marraige will necessarily last forever or that one of us might not slip up and do something stupid in the future, or heck even change our minds one day, but it does strike me as an important feature in keeping a marraige together. 

My parents have been married for almost 40 years - they don't necessarily have the perfect marraige and I've witnessed them go through their ups and downs - probably not the ideal role models for a blissful relationship but I do have to hand it to them that they've both been willing to put in the work the entire 40 years and have never stopped being committed to the same goal, even when they don't like each other very much at that moment.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think I have created half the problems in my marrige. I cant go back so I will just go forward, but on a better path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I think your point of view embodies a lot of my own thoughts on marraige. Not that anyone can pinpoint any solid recipe for success...but one of the biggest things I've always thought was just how much work a marraige takes to keep it going.
> 
> One of the major things that attracted me to my husband in the first place was his work ethic and his never waivering commitment to getting the job done. He's NOT one of those people who throws in the towel when the going gets tough. He does not shy away from hard work, even when it becomes grueling.
> 
> ...


Amen, lady! It not only takes work, it takes the right partner. I had a serious boyfriend in my early college years who I thought I would marry...thankfully, it only took a year to realize he was toxic and we were a horrible couple. But, from that relationship I learned a lot about what I didn't want and that helped quite a bit.

Kudos to your folks on 40 years. I can only imagine what they've been through in that time!


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Thound said:


> I think I have created half the problems in my marrige. I cant go back so I will just go forward, but on a better path.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What a fantastic attitude!
Learn from the past, look forward to the future.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Both marriages have taught me that people can........CHANGE(and not always for the better).


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I've learnt: 

-Communication is key. Your partner isn't a mind reader, no matter how long you've known them. 
-it's not your partners job to always put effort into your relationship and to give you attention, you BOTH need to put the effort in, it's give and take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I've learned a lot about being married to my husband. I know a lot about him, how to be with him and love him and take care of him. How to be loved by him.

But it feels very specific somehow. I don't think it could be taken out of our particular marriage and applied to another. 

I don't find marriage work, either. Parenting, yes, and being married with young children, yes. But just being married? That has always felt 80-90% effortless. We've been together for 20 years, and once we worked out the major kinks, which mostly involved just not being 18/early 20s anymore, our relationship was and is pretty blissful.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

We don't consider it work either. 

It's hard work being with an ungrateful, selfish, abusive spouse. Having a good one is like having a rocket strapped on.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wiserforit said:


> We don't consider it work either.
> 
> It's hard work being with an ungrateful, selfish, abusive spouse. Having a good one is like having a rocket strapped on.


Sometimes it's like having a rocket strapped on but it's one hell of a ride with rollercoaster highs and lows though


----------



## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I learned that while everyone tells you marriage takes a lot of hard work, no one can tell you exactly what you need to do to make it work. 
Being monogamous isn't the only way to be. 
Having a child with someone who loves you is a lot better than doing it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think what we've probably both learned, is how we can balance each other through our differences. Although we share common values and outlooks, it's the differences between us that inspires one another and makes life interesting!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Can I 1st say... I have always LOVED being married... Beings we dated 8 yrs before saying .... we had plenty of TIME to get to know each other, our flaws, quirks, the good , the bad & the ugly....what we wanted, our deepest dreams and highest annoyances... We worked & planned in preparation for our Marriage to run as smoothly as possible... 

We've never had trouble Communicating...I've always been forthright / assertive - and he very receptive/ open / willing.....both owning our own faults before the other...Conflicts have always been thoroughly talked out & short lived.. 

All of our learning was done together hand in hand....about Life, Love, happiness, even being a better person ...





Besides these things listed..(and now learned)... Marriage has been a beautiful ride...

*1*. In hindsight...our greatest blunder was not being verbally "Open" & more creative sexually... ...He wanted more but was too passive... Me, a little too inhibited to open the subject up, wasn't on the radar as I was always happy...

*2. * Through our greatest hardship (Infertility) I learned....where dreams seem out of our reach...not to give up Hope & allow this worry to SUCK my happiness in the here & now...I allowed some anger & disillusionment to settle in me - should have just enjoyed what was... giving my WORRY "flight"...and allowed HOPE to be my daily cup...I just needed more Patience. 

*3*. I learned we should never allow "Projects" to overshadow just having FUN together...keeping the flirting & teasing & Romance alive ... this is good for the sex Life too.

*4.* I learned , no matter how much we love our kids....we should never forget about their Father - who helped us get them....he needs us too...and lots of


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It's taught me to STAY SINGLE.


----------



## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Pain......lots of pain


----------



## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

What has being married taught me? Hmmmm...well, it turns out that the institution of marriage is nothing I always thought it was supposed to be. 

I have learned the following:

That the one person in the world who claims they love and adore you to the sun, moon and the stars is actually a liar. 

They can hurt you more than you ever imagined was even possible.

That even though you think you know what you would do if certain obstacles happened, you don't know until they do happen.

That love is not always enough to pull you through.

That there needs to be a handbook, that has a test in the end and if you don't pass it, you don't get married.

Obviously, today is not a good day! 

Marriage is just that; a word. Your daily actions, promises and commitments to one another are what will see you through.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That divorce bazookas your bank account


----------



## overtherainbow (Apr 15, 2013)

#1 I have learned that every relationship no matter how good or bad it was or is has something to TEACH us. 

#2 Those who you thought would never, ever hurt us......do. And it may be the worst pain you've ever experienced. 
(See #1) 

Question is, what in the hell do I still have to learn after all these years??


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

overtherainbow said:


> #1 I have learned that every relationship no matter how good or bad it was or is has something to TEACH us.
> 
> #2 Those who you thought would never, ever hurt us......do. And it may be the worst pain you've ever experienced.
> (See #1)
> ...


That's an amazing question. I still feel like I learn something nearly every day. A couple nights ago, I got home from work, my husband made an amazing meal from scratch and I was initially appalled at the state of the kitchen. Instead of just thinking "Oh yum, dinner!" my thought process went "Oh, yum, dinner...and 2 days worth of dishes in the sink." (I did NOT say anything, though! Just ate dinner, showered him with praise for a job well done and cleaned the kitchen the next day)

Maybe it's a dumb analogy...but I think that instance is a great example of learning/working. I have told my husband relentlessly how much I appreciate him learning to cook (and getting GREAT at it! Way better than me) but I still have the default switch that recognizes the negative in tandem with the positive. So, my husband is horrible at doing dishes (seriously...I can clean the kitchen top to bottom in 30 minutes...it takes him 3 days...I am not even exaggerating.) But, if doing dishes is the pennance I have to pay for those amazing meals he keeps serving up, I'll do it, gladly. Thankfully, these days, I see a dirty kitchen not as a sign of laziness, but as a sign of love that came from creating a meal especially for me. 

I think it's this work (all the little stuff that adds up) that really requires attention. Marriage is work to me (I wish it was effortless!) because we are two very different people with very different habits. We have a TON in common (sense of humor, hobbies, how we spend our free time, what we want in the future, to name a few things) yet, there are aspects with which we still struggle. 

Namely, we both have very distinctive gifts. My husband is extremely intelligent, analytical, has incredible ideas and is a social chameleon. He's also quite scatter-brained, forgetful, usually late and very messy. I am similar socially (we both are just laidback people who generally get along with everyone) but I work in a creative field, I'm also the dreaded "Type A" (A stands for a**hole, my hubs likes to joke) who has to have a plan, needs to know about things ahead of time and takes action on a good idea. Seems our biggest issue is figuring out how to make our strengths work for us. He has a LOT that I lack and vice versa, but every several months, these traits find us at odds (for a variety of reasons). We have yet to learn how to make our differences work for us instead of against us. 

I'm jealous of those who said marriage isn't work! I will admit, being married has been just like not being married, for the most part. That piece of paper didn't make either of us go insane or act any differently, but it gave me...I guess a renewed desire to make our relationship work.

So, the question "what else to learn after all these years..." I have no idea! I kind of look at it the same way I do life...If in 20, 30, 40 plus years I've got it all figured out, every question answered, every mystery solved...well then, something went wrong because I don't think we can have all those answers.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

plasmasunn said:


> What have you learned from being married?


That it's probably not something I'd want to do again.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

That marriage is hard work and both spouses have to put in the effort every minute of every day. A good marriage is extremely rewarding and can enrich your life in too many ways to mention. But when you are in a bad marriage you'd rather set your pubic hair on fire than deal with your spouse.


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> What have you learned from being married?



- never give up your life for your spouse.
- some people just cannot accept 'honesty is the best policy'
- im a woman and that doesn't make me an asexual being. i love sex.duh.
- if a man wont fight for his marriage, then he's not worthy to fight for.
- im better off alone 
- sometimes compromises are just fake efforts to stay afloat even everybody knows the ship is sinking
- never married a guy with mommy issue. no ex-mum. ex-wives we have plenty


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

compromise
That I have severe possessiveness issues and very deep seeded trust issues (understandable to most people given me life)
Forgivness
Prioritization
that everyone loves differently.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Great thread so far... Okay I'll add a few;


All marriages, and all people will have their own issues
Marriage can be done for religious reasons, or not
God knew better, as I needed my wife's grace
I just need more Patience.
I do *NOT* have to get a divorce like my parents did! :smthumbup:
I need to listen and take my own advice... I have 4 favorite quotes & they are VERY useful! ]_(can find under my bio)_
Marriage is hard work, but other advice I give is that marriage must have 
3 things
 Respect
 Honesty
 _*CONSTRUCTIVE*_ Dialogue/Communication 

Neglecting any of the 3 items leaves marriages "unstable"


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> What have you learned from being married?


What a " _good woman_ " is.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Being married. It taught me : 
-that marriage is not the end of the journey, is just the beginning
-that marriage needs further work and attention. It's like a plant you must water daily, like a brand new luxury car whom you must wash,polish, change its oil, etc regularly, otherwise it falls apart, great as it is.
- that the qualities of my spouse by far outnumber his flaws, and focusing on the first make me barely notice the second
- to be appreciative of what I have, because I know how it's like not to have it; to be grateful I have my husband, because I know how it feels to yearn for him; to be thankful for our strong relationship, because I see others less fortunate all the time. To cherish what we have, while we still have it, make every moment together a great memory
- it taught me to communicate, because no one can read our minds.
-taught me a kind of love I never knew it existed.
As the aim is to be married happily ever after, I have a lot more to learn. The above list is "to be continued"...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bfree said:


> That marriage is hard work and both spouses have to put in the effort every minute of every day. A good marriage is extremely rewarding and can enrich your life in too many ways to mention.* But when you are in a bad marriage you'd rather set your pubic hair on fire than deal with your spouse*.


:rofl:


----------



## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

Two things:

1. What the hell was I thinking?!!!; and 
2. NEVER AGAIN!!!

And it's not just what "marriage" has taught me - it's also what I've learned by reading through numerous relationships forums and reading all the threads and posts from countless persons in unhappy and problem-laden relationships that has cemented my resolve to again join the ranks of the single set, and to relish and luxuriate in my "singleness" as soon as I "break free" at the appropriate time! :thumbup:


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Think very very very very hard about your own reaction to other people's first impressions.


----------



## AniaR (Feb 9, 2013)

I don't think marriage, per se, has taught me much. Life and years keep giving me lessons though.

- Smiling. Someone will always benefit from it. 
- Saying what I mean and mean what I'm saying.
- Listening to people, specially loved ones. 
- Finally being comfortable in my own skin. 
- Doing what I want to do, and not because I think it's expected of me.
- Being "fear" free.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That you really never know someone 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AniaR (Feb 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> That you really never know someone 100%.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So very true.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not necessarily marriage, but my husband has taught me to be patient, also he taught me to immediately discuss any issues I may have with him right away, he's taught me to look at issues from every angle possible before making a decision.

I'm very proud to be married to my husband. I wouldn't want any other man other then my husband to spend the rest of my life with. He works very hard to provide us to give us what we want and what we need.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

1. That the natural honeymoon wears off and then you must have marriage skills to keep it going or reignite. 

2. A good marriage requires maintenance like everything else worth having

3. Few of us have the skills initially. They must be learned. 

4. Its much harder at times than it looks but its well worth it when it good

5. Doing my part makes it infinitely easier for my wife to do and want to do her part

6. There is always someone in the periphery that is all too happy to selfishly vuck it up of you let them in to close


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

That knowing what kind of person you want to be with is the key to success. Eventually the new wears off you better be with someone you respect and admire, who is compatible, and who you're proud to know as a person. Attraction has to be there too obviously and for me someone who's just nice and good hearted was high priority.

Too many ( me in my first marriage ) mistake infatuation for lasting love or just plain settle for someone who's not really compatible and inevitably pay a price.


----------



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

People may grow and evolve, but they don't change.
Marriage is hard.
Settling is not a good option.
The importance of having common interests.


----------



## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

1) Having honest and open communication is everything!

2) Marry someone you enjoy doing mundane, everyday things with. If you can have fun just folding laundry or going grocery shopping together, that's great.


----------



## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> When I look at the woman I am today versus the woman I was before I met my husband, the difference is quite staggering.
> 
> What have you learned from being married?
> 
> ...


I have learned a lot. Like you said no one can read my mind so if I want something I have to verbalize even though I feel if he did it on his own it would mean more to me.

Everyone is different and has different views and philosophies on life. You need to accept his view even though you may not agree with it.

Compromise, compromise, compromise.

Respect one another. Without that you have nothing.


----------

