# Relationship Myths



## ThinkTooMuch

The Huffington Post has an article by Dr. Terri Orbuch that I found interesting. It starts

Most of the cards had typical comments like "Always compromise," "Be honest and truthful," or "Never go to bed mad." As a relationship expert, I knew that the majority of the advice was not supported by scientific findings. So I began to wonder: how much of what people know about relationships is repeated as fact but is more like fiction?​


Here's a link
Dr. Terri Orbuch: 4 Relationship Myths That Almost Everyone Perpetuates


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## swedish

Good article. I guess at a wedding shower "Don't do it!" would be inappropriate advice!


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## greenpearl

A wonderful article. 

Don't know why some people would rather let movies and myths fool them, but ignore the reality. 

Look at those celebrities, how many of them have happy marriages?


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## marco100

"I discuss one important trait that happy couples in my long-term study share: they have learned how to *have realistic expectations* of their relationships and partner. To take your relationship from good to great, it's essential to transform unrealistic expectations -- the ones that rarely get met and then cause you frustration, anger, sadness, hurt, and other negative emotions -- into more realistic versions that will be met."


Yup. Just like I said in my post in the thread about "amazing" sex.


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## credamdóchasgra

What are unrealistic vs. realistic expectations?
I'm trying to figure this out in my marriage...
I want to hear others' thoughts on this more...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DivorceInChurch

The expectations thing is key

What you hear in church to expect from your husband....unrealistic 

Men are not as bad as said to be, as prone to bad things, nor can we become a woman with different parts. All this is wrong


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## Threetimesalady

I can recall after we built our first home when the kids were very small being real mad at him...So mad that I went to bed on the sofa...Now having a husband that can sleep through a bomb attack, he never knew I did this...I ended up paying the price...I fell off the sofa and near broke my arm....So now I go to bed...


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## LGSL

Three times! Hah!


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## andy32m

Number one key to marriage success is to keep your wife off of facebook...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

andy32m said:


> Number one key to marriage success is to keep your wife off of facebook...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: Facebook is only an issue if you allow it to be. I have not connected with any exes or done anything wrong. Not every wife is just like yours!


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## Duddy

I'm a professional counselor and behavioral consultant who's worked successfully with hundreds of distressed couples, individuals and families experiencing crisis around relationship issues. I've studied and worked with the evidence-base or best practices in marital counseling for a number of years.

The ideas of "realistic expectations" and "shared values" really capture important parts of the larger picture for how healthy marriages work. Yet, I feel the incredible importance of developing a core relationship maintenance skills set, is under stated in this article. 

The best research in couples counseling has clearly identified a basic set of protective relationship-strengthening skills, that transform even the most emotionally devastated and disconnected couples. This includes couples who report high levels of distrust, fear, loneliness, hurt and anger in their relationships. 

In most cases, without these basic skills, shared values and realistic relationship expectancies are simply not enough to effectively navigate the most common sources of conflict that threaten the average relationship (i.e. conflict related to sex (emotional/sexual affairs), money, in-law relationships, day to day work load sharing and role/parenting clarifications etc.,). 

I do agree that evidence-based relationship maintenance skills only come into play in healthy long term relationships when emotional distress levels increase. But learning to identify, effectively express, listen for and manage emotional distress and the frustration of underlying core relationship needs (i.e. attachment-based), is itself one of those critical relationship maintenance skills that needs to be learned and practiced. Otherwise, the skill is unavailable to the couple to access when they really need it. 

In one of my favorite and often stated examples, basic relationship maintenance involves a set of skills like those needed to drive a car safely. If you don't learn how to drive properly, driving can be harmful, even if you share values and have realistic expectations about where you'd like to drive to, - effectively navigating through common relationship challenges, conflicts and stressors. 

Once you do some basic learning and practice of your core relationship maintenance skills, they become automatic (like driving), but you only drive when it's necessary. 

Thanks for sharing such a thought0provoking and beneficial article!

Your Online Marriage Coach,
- Duddy. 

Check out my "One Minute Marriage Transformation Tools" at:
YourOnlineMarriageCoach.com


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## jmbr

I am reminded of the meaning of the word compromise, everytime I wake up and see my wedding photo, where I'm alongside my inlaws, and then walk into a pink walled bathroom.


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## Mrs.G

That's not cool of your wife, to put such a girly color on the walls. Both spouses should have a say in decorating, although this is usually the domain of the wife. She should still be willing to compromise with you.


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## marriage101

This is a myth that I get tried of hearing:

-Marriage is the answers to their problems. False! A man or Woman is not going to change just because you are married. Change is a process that take time and growth. 

-


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## BigToe

It's a good article and I agree with most of it but it wasn't clear if the author felt "be truthful and honest" was a myth or not. It's NOT a myth IMO.

I have to agree with andy32m that facebook and the internet in general can be a door opener to promoting problems in marriage. This forum is chuck full of stories where one partner found an online "friend" and started an innocent volley with them which ended up into an emotional or physical affair.


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## jimrich

greenpearl said:


> A wonderful article.
> Don't know why some people would rather let movies and myths fool them, but ignore the reality.
> Look at those celebrities, how many of them have happy marriages?
> 
> jim: It's all in how they were raised. OR GENETICS!


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## jimrich

Threetimesalady said:


> I can recall after we built our first home when the kids were very small being real mad at him...So mad that I went to bed on the sofa...Now having a husband that can sleep through a bomb attack, he never knew I did this...I ended up paying the price...I fell off the sofa and near broke my arm....So now I go to bed...
> 
> jim: Not MAD, I hope! :scratchhead: :lol:


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## jimrich

Duddy said:


> I'm a professional counselor and behavioral consultant who's worked successfully with hundreds of distressed couples, individuals and families experiencing crisis around relationship issues. I've studied and worked with the evidence-base or best practices in marital counseling for a number of years.
> 
> The ideas of "realistic expectations" and "shared values" really capture important parts of the larger picture for how healthy marriages work. Yet, I feel the incredible importance of developing a core relationship maintenance skills set, is under stated in this article.
> 
> The best research in couples counseling has clearly identified a basic set of protective relationship-strengthening skills, that transform even the most emotionally devastated and disconnected couples. This includes couples who report high levels of distrust, fear, loneliness, hurt and anger in their relationships.
> 
> In most cases, without these basic skills, shared values and realistic relationship expectancies are simply not enough to effectively navigate the most common sources of conflict that threaten the average relationship (i.e. conflict related to sex (emotional/sexual affairs), money, in-law relationships, day to day work load sharing and role/parenting clarifications etc.,).
> 
> I do agree that evidence-based relationship maintenance skills only come into play in healthy long term relationships when emotional distress levels increase. But learning to identify, effectively express, listen for and manage emotional distress and the frustration of underlying core relationship needs (i.e. attachment-based), is itself one of those critical relationship maintenance skills that needs to be learned and practiced. Otherwise, the skill is unavailable to the couple to access when they really need it.
> 
> In one of my favorite and often stated examples, basic relationship maintenance involves a set of skills like those needed to drive a car safely. If you don't learn how to drive properly, driving can be harmful, even if you share values and have realistic expectations about where you'd like to drive to, - effectively navigating through common relationship challenges, conflicts and stressors.
> 
> Once you do some basic learning and practice of your core relationship maintenance skills, they become automatic (like driving), but you only drive when it's necessary.
> 
> Thanks for sharing such a thought0provoking and beneficial article!
> 
> Your Online Marriage Coach,
> - Duddy.
> 
> Check out my "One Minute Marriage Transformation Tools" at:
> YourOnlineMarriageCoach.com


jim: not to attack or belittle anything you wrote here, BUT....
I studied a lot of relationship stuff and firmly agree with the notion of acquiring good relationship skills and often wonder why more adults do not do this or even seem interested in it. As I read your post, I noticed something that was also evident in a lot of books by other professionals - the use of a very complicated, high-hifalutin-mystical language such as many psychiatrists use that either scares the hell out of the average person or is totally incomprehensible for most ppl. Some professionals have observed this and say that professionals need to come down off their high perch and address ordinary ppl in ordinary language if their messages and aid are ever to reach the average person who needs the information BUT is blocked form it by the professionals imposing language. 
IMO, more ppl would actually read and learn to use certain relationship skills if only they could understand what the pro is saying! Fortunately, there are a few pros out there who can present the much needed info in common, accessible terms so all hope is not lost. 
I suppose it is tempting to use all the fancy, inside terminology of any Discipline once one becomes a professional (I'm in music and we do that too) but it's very difficult for an outsider to get what the pro is saying UNLESS that pro can let go of their "special" language and use common, easy to understand terminology. 
It helps me get the message when someone tells me to "just be 100% honest" instead of something like: "develop a core relationship maintenance skills set".


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## jimrich

BigToe said:


> It's a good article and I agree with most of it but it wasn't clear if the author felt "be truthful and honest" was a myth or not. It's NOT a myth IMO.
> 
> jim: IMO, honesty is the primary element and everything else follows from there.
> 
> I have to agree with andy32m that facebook and the internet in general can be a door opener to promoting problems in marriage.
> 
> jim: IMO, it's the other way around. Problems in the marriage OPEN the door for explorations and adventure into things outside the relationship like: facebook, twitter, etc. The unhappy person is looking for something "out there".
> 
> This forum is chuck full of stories where one partner found an online "friend" and started an innocent volley with them which ended up into an emotional or physical affair.
> 
> jim: "found an on line friend" because they no longer have one at home! It would be stupid to blame facebook, twitter, porn, etc. for what is wrong in a marriage - IMO. :lol:


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## Cara

"Never go to bed mad", yeah, right! Whomever coined this clearly was never married to a real, live human.


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## Ayrun

That women want you to be nice to them.


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## Kevan

That's a bit pathetic, Ayrun. Of course women want you to be nice to them. They're just not going to be turned on if nice is all you've got.


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## Ayrun

Exactly.


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## CoffeeTime

"till death do us part"...


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## tyykaeey

A wonderful article.


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## canduojiu

Good article.


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