# Don't want sex with wife/Sexually Frustrated



## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

Hello,
My wife and I have been married almost a year now. We did not do anything sexual until our wedding night. Sex has been a huge issue in our marriage since the start. I do not have any desire to have sex with my wife as I am repulsed by certain things. She doesn't bathe often (maybe twice a week) and bathed even less before I said something about it (maybe a few times a month). I didn't know that because we didn't live together until we got married and its something you "assume" someone does often being an adult. She also rarely shaves her armpit hair (also something I didn't know as she dresses so modestly). As unfair as it is that society expects women to shave their armpits and doesn't expect the same from men, I have been conditioned my whole life to see armpit hair as "masculine" and no matter how hard I try I can't stop finding it repulsive. I told her I liked it when she shaved but that didn't change anything. Her "lady parts" have a terrible odor. I can smell it even when she walks by or sits next to me. Shes put on probably 15 pounds since we met and said to me recently that eating healthy is "stupid" because we will all die of something anyway. I do love her and care about her but I just can't bring myself to have sex with her. I'm really sexually frustrated and I'm starting to become depressed. I really don't want to get divorced, I want to work this out. But the things I have said to her don't seem to make any difference. Any advice?
Thanks for reading


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And, I assume, your wife doesn't care whether you two have sex or not....so, there isn't any "reward" for her to change. The comfort zone will continue.

I'm hoping some other folks have some ideas as to how to motivate her. Sorry to say, I don't.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

That sounds like a very painful and saddening position to be in, especially since you obviously care for her. Were any of her hygienic habits apparent to you prior to marriage? You said that you have been assuming she had been bathing regularly, so by that assumption she wasn't too obviously unhygienic before. Have you been able to figure out a potential reason for her habits, whether they stem from religious, cultural or personal reasons? 

I'm not sure if there were religious reasons for having waited to be intimate in any capacity prior to marriage, but if you both belong to a religious community, is there a leader or guidance counselor who might be able to help bridge the gap in communication? Even a regular counselor or health professional might be able to put your concern into words that would be more effective. Even if there needs to be a compromise reached (for example the armpit hair, maybe there is a powder or scented oil that can help you if she maintains that as part of her identity). 

I can't imagine her habits being worth losing a marriage over, so it might just be old habits die hard and she isn't entirely aware of the depth of damage it's doing to your relationship. I definitely commend your desire to work things out and see her beyond these surprise characteristics of hers.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Why not take her in the shower with you and give her a good scrubbing? Extended shower turns into wet slippery sex!
Get one of those showerproof trimmers, give her a trim WHEREVER she needs it.

If she objects, then you know you are either doomed to a stinky vajayjay hanging around or you get a divorce.


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## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

Thank you for the great response....We are Christian, so we decided to wait until marriage. I questioned her about the not showering thing and she said its just a "me" thing and not a cultural or family thing, and that she doesn't like bathing and never understand why she had to shower regularly if she isn't dirty. I could go to a leader in our church about it but I don't want to embarrass her or hurt her feelings. At the same time, I know I can't put up with this for the rest of my life. I don't think she shaves her armpits just out of laziness, not really out of identity. The girl I dated before my wife was super vain, and I didn't want that in my wife...be careful what you wish for I guess....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bestofyou11 said:


> Hello,
> My wife and I have been married almost a year now. We did not do anything sexual until our wedding night. Sex has been a huge issue in our marriage since the start. I do not have any desire to have sex with my wife as I am repulsed by certain things. She doesn't bathe often (maybe twice a week) and bathed even less before I said something about it (maybe a few times a month). I didn't know that because we didn't live together until we got married and its something you "assume" someone does often being an adult. She also rarely shaves her armpit hair (also something I didn't know as she dresses so modestly). As unfair as it is that society expects women to shave their armpits and doesn't expect the same from men, I have been conditioned my whole life to see armpit hair as "masculine" and no matter how hard I try I can't stop finding it repulsive. I told her I liked it when she shaved but that didn't change anything. Her "lady parts" have a terrible odor. I can smell it even when she walks by or sits next to me. Shes put on probably 15 pounds since we met and said to me recently that eating healthy is "stupid" because we will all die of something anyway. I do love her and care about her but I just can't bring myself to have sex with her. I'm really sexually frustrated and I'm starting to become depressed. I really don't want to get divorced, I want to work this out. But the things I have said to her don't seem to make any difference. Any advice?
> Thanks for reading


Is this an arranged marriage or was all your courtship done online. 

Personally I don't think this is the kind of thing that can be worked out. She doesn't think like you do and isn't going to change her whole outlook most likely. People don't work like that. If it was me I would get an annulment.

Has she been tested for autism? I wonder if she is on the spectrum. Not liking to shower is one of the signs I think. 

You at least have to tell her.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

bestofyou11 said:


> She doesn't bathe often (maybe twice a week) and bathed even less before I said something about it (maybe a few times a month). I didn't know that because we didn't live together until we got married





> Her "lady parts" have a terrible odor. I can smell it even when she walks by or sits next to me.


If she was bathing less before the marriage than after, did you not smell her "odor" when you were dating? I mean, did she never walk by you or sit next to you while dating?

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

As @TJW asked, does your wife care that you are not having sex? 

Maybe this is her version of husband repellant.


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## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

Lila said:


> If she was bathing less before the marriage than after, did you not smell her "odor" when you were dating? I mean, did she never walk by you or sit next to you while dating?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I honestly didn't notice. Maybe she is taking less care of her self now that she "has me" or maybe she has just had an infection for awhile.


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## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> As @TJW asked, does your wife care that you are not having sex?
> 
> Maybe this is her version of husband repellant.


She said to me once a few months ago she doesn't like that we arnt "sexual" but hasn't said anything since. I take pretty good care of myself and I treat her well, so I don't know why she would intentionally let herself go so I wouldn't want her.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

I can understand not knowing about the armpit hair before marriage if you weren't sexual and she dresses modestly. But one shower a week would leave an adult smelling very bad so I'm not sure how you missed that part. How long were you together before you got married?

In any case, that would be a deal breaker for me. If you've spoken to her about it and nothing has changed, I don't see the point in continuing to try with this one. In my opinion, there is a lot of stuff is worth working on but this is lifelong behavior for her. There is a lot of room between "super vain" and "showers once a week".


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that she's probably not that excited about having sex with you.

The question is why. 

Any ideas? Women will do all kinds of things for a guy they really want sex with.


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## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

SarcasticRed said:


> I can understand not knowing about the armpit hair before marriage if you weren't sexual and she dresses modestly. But one shower a week would leave an adult smelling very bad so I'm not sure how you missed that part. How long were you together before you got married?
> 
> In any case, that would be a deal breaker for me. If you've spoken to her about it and nothing has changed, I don't see the point in continuing to try with this one. In my opinion, there is a lot of stuff is worth working on but this is lifelong behavior for her. There is a lot of room between "super vain" and "showers once a week".


Trust me when I say I really didn't know. If I did, there is NO WAY I would have married her. Basic Hygiene is the ground floor in a partner for me. Thanks for the response.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

bestofyou11 said:


> Trust me when I say I really didn't know. If I did, there is NO WAY I would have married her. Basic Hygiene is the ground floor in a partner for me. Thanks for the response.


I agree that basic hygiene is a ground floor issue. How strongly have you discussed this with her? It seems like this is just basic common sense but does she realize that her refusal to keep up with basic hygiene could cost her a great marriage, kids, etc? 

I respect your hesitancy to speak with a pastor out of respect for her in this regard. I suggest you check out the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley. He is a Christian PhD therapist. You might share this book with your wife and see if she will buy into the suggestions there. He talks about emotional needs, and how physical attraction is a top emotional need for most men. This might be a way to let "someone else" show her that your desire for her to be clean and well-groomed is normal, and it might also show her than any other man will have similar expectations.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you don't want to divorce, then you are going to have to be radically honest with her (which is not the same as brutally honest) and tell her the complete truth. So far, everything you have described that repulses you is easily fixed by her. If she fixed those things would you want to have sex with her, are you attracted to her otherwise? Are you in love with her?

The complete truth would be that you need her to shower daily (baths don't actually get you clean, especially your vag area) and shave her pits every day or every other day. That she will have to accept this is a need you have in order to want to have sex with her. That she will have to give up her thinking that being dirty or not is the only reason to bathe. The main reason to bathe has to become that you aren't attracted to her if she doesn't. Make it clear that if life gets so busy one or the other of you can't fit in a shower, it's not like all hell will break loose. But the expectation of daily showers and regular grooming is non negotiable to your attraction.

When I'm in a relationship, we both shower within an hour before sex, and grooming is done daily. I can't have it any other way. This is on top of our daily showers, which usually then come after sex because you have to get all clean again anyway.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you thought of introducing sex in the shower or bath...this way you wash each other and then have sex or such.


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## bestofyou11 (Mar 23, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Have you thought of introducing sex in the shower or bath...this way you wash each other and then have sex or such.


That's a good suggestion. I have invited her to shower with me and she does when I ask, but I shouldn't have to ask her to shower with me or tell her to take a shower just to get her to take one. This isn't supposed to be a patient/caretaker or father/daughter relationship. She is a perfectly healthy adult who should practice basic hygiene on her own without my insistence or help. Thanks for the response.


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## AshFox (Jul 25, 2017)

I'm so sorry to read your "HELP!", especially in such a short marriage and I wan't to cheer you up. You are good man, you are trying and that is fantastic! Now, I didn't read all the replies, but here is, what I think:

*Do you know her family? How is the hygiene in their life? If it is in family, then it will be really hard to change. 

*Are your bathroom comfortable? Yes, that is weird question, but is it warm before you take clothes of?

*What kind of person is she? What zodiac sign? (yes, by that you can have some clues, how to threat her, I know, I am pisces) "What kind of person" means - is she active, likes to take control or is more submissive, it is you, who suggest doing something (go to movie, walk, what movie to watch), does she like to be asked? Maybe even pushed? There are people, who will do nothing, unless you really really pleeease please please them. 

* Sex. Just answer to yourself, how was the first time? Was this the very first time for both? Women like to imagine things (and first sex too) , so something could hide there too. If it wasn't the way she imagined... 

Grown-ups forget how it is - to be a child. See, how passionate they are, how motivated they become, when it is about getting something, they really want. It is all about motivation on "what will I get, if I do that". So, I think, you should find out, what motivates her NOT to take care of herself. If it is not in her family, then I really think - she is hiding inside, some expectations has failed and that is why she is giving up. 
Communication with her is tricky as I imagine her. So I would really avoid using "smelling is bad" and use more "clean is good". Instead of "don't", use "do". That is tricky I know, but mastering this will help you later or parenting. (example: "don't run!=please, walk slower", "don't hit=be gentle, it hurts")

We have a plenty of freedom, everybody wants freedom and when things goes to personal freedom, then, Oh, boy... The trick is, that one's freedom has a boundaries. My freedom ends, where your freedom starts. And worst in all this is , that people doesn't realize that some things is not about freedom or free mind or even personal statements. This is tricky to explain, and hard to understand, unless you are into it. 

Example: when I had no kids, I wondered, why the heck they put "family parking zones" and parking. I was like "so, if you have a family, you are kinda cooler than me, being single?!" You know, everything changed quickly, after few times I realized, how hard it can be to put a child in his seat, when there is only about 30cm space around you. 

Before I'm getting too far and too long. Here is, what I would try. I would change her habits, as I see here is no morning/evening rituals. But you know - to form a habit, it takes about 21 day or longer. I saw there a suggestion to go and bath together. It is such a great idea (me-woman awws right now). But I suggest to forget the word "smell". Don't say, that this shampoo smells so good. Or her body now smells good. Her brain will take out this ONE word and there you go again, she won't bath, because she knows, that's make you crazy. You have to "secretly teach" her that washing is good. She have to understand this by herself, like a alcoholic-addicted wants to stop, when understands. Sorry about harsh example, but this is it. See my example above - while I was not in "family shoes", I didn't understand.

If any of your good and hard tries fails... I would go to store, get the worse smelling fragrance I can find and use a plenty of it. When she asking "why?", just tell her, you have your personal statement about this fragrance and you don't care about anything else. Or ask your pastor/father (really not sure, how do you call that man in church) for advice or ask him to tell, that Jesus says - washing is good for a strong marriage, Jesus loves clean people. (Well, forgive me, if this is too far. I didn't mean anything bad). 


Loosing, while trying so hard, is easy. I'm just a stranger, I don't know you, so keep that in mind, if you are reading and shouting "for God's sake, what's wrong with Ashfox?!" I truly believe, you will find a way and more - your wife will fell in love with hot bath and your gentle hands. Best wishes and thank you for being patient reader.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> I respect your hesitancy to speak with a pastor out of respect for her in this regard.


Yes, me too, and I like the idea of Dr. Harley's book. I have not read this book, but I've read and listened to Dr. Harley online. He is completely biblical in his advice, and I'm sure his book is quite the same.

I'm thinking you are familiar with Matthew 18:15-17 regarding the slowly-escalating process of conflict resolution. It is not possible for me to say whether her hygenic habits are rooted in sin, or if they are simply part of her habit set.

Even if it is rooted in sin....I love an old southern-gospel song which carries the title "He Looked Beyond My Fault, and Saw My Need". I don't think there is any greater way in which we, as men, can be Christlike, than that of continuing to be a loving husband to our wives in spite of the difficulties it places upon us. May God add to you His wisdom and His blessings to your marriage.

You might want to also look into your wife's temperament characteristics. There are a couple of definitions in the Myers-Briggs method which exhibit the characteristic of "energy conservation"....namely those two which have the first 3 letters of "INF"....your wife's reply indicates that she may have been given one of these personality "types" by God.

I'm not saying that this suggestion has an immediate "cause and effect" which can be utilized in your specific problem. Rather, it may give you a very rich insight to which "drummer" your wife is hearing.... you will probably find some aspect of her temperament which "plays into" her habit development.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

AshFox said:


> I truly believe, you will find a way and more - your wife will fell in love with hot bath and your gentle hands.


Amen. I also believe this (and, I don't think there's anything wrong with Ashfox) :wink2:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bestofyou11 said:


> Hello,
> My wife and I have been married almost a year now. We did not do anything sexual until our wedding night. Sex has been a huge issue in our marriage since the start. I do not have any desire to have sex with my wife as I am repulsed by certain things. She doesn't bathe often (maybe twice a week) and bathed even less before I said something about it (maybe a few times a month). I didn't know that because we didn't live together until we got married and its something you "assume" someone does often being an adult. She also rarely shaves her armpit hair (also something I didn't know as she dresses so modestly). As unfair as it is that society expects women to shave their armpits and doesn't expect the same from men, I have been conditioned my whole life to see armpit hair as "masculine" and no matter how hard I try I can't stop finding it repulsive. I told her I liked it when she shaved but that didn't change anything. Her "lady parts" have a terrible odor. I can smell it even when she walks by or sits next to me. Shes put on probably 15 pounds since we met and said to me recently that eating healthy is "stupid" because we will all die of something anyway. I do love her and care about her but I just can't bring myself to have sex with her. I'm really sexually frustrated and I'm starting to become depressed. I really don't want to get divorced, I want to work this out. But the things I have said to her don't seem to make any difference. Any advice?
> Thanks for reading


:scratchhead:

So when you two were dating didn't she stink? Had dirt everywhere? And sex aside when you two were cuddling didn't you notice her armpits? And her lady parts with odor didn't you notice, which you mentioned she walks by or when she sits next to you?

Why the heck did you marry her in the first place?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Get one of these.
Maybe they have one with a hose that vibrates for extra pleasure.











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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Since you don't have a time machine, I'm not going to ask you about the past or what you did or didn't know...because....no time machine. lol

My first thought, like another poster's, was the autism spectrum. I have a child who is, and even as a young adult, he almost has to be reminded to shower. How is she socially? Does she have any touch sensitivities? How old are you both? Did you date or court, and were you her only boyfriend prior to marriage?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

bestofyou11 said:


> That's a good suggestion. I have invited her to shower with me _*and she does when I ask, *_but I shouldn't have to ask her to shower with me or tell her to take a shower just to get her to take one. This isn't supposed to be a patient/caretaker or father/daughter relationship. She is a perfectly healthy adult who should practice basic hygiene on her own without my insistence or help. Thanks for the response.


:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

You can shower together, and not have sex. Just enjoy how the soap & water runs over her skin.
I could go on, but it'd end up sounding like a Penthouse letters letter.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

bestofyou11 said:


> Thank you for the great response....We are Christian, so we decided to wait until marriage. I questioned her about the not showering thing and she said its just a "me" thing and not a cultural or family thing, and that *she doesn't like bathing and never understand why she had to shower regularly if she isn't dirty.* I could go to a leader in our church about it but I don't want to embarrass her or hurt her feelings. At the same time, I know I can't put up with this for the rest of my life. I don't think she shaves her armpits just out of laziness, not really out of identity. The girl I dated before my wife was super vain, and I didn't want that in my wife...be careful what you wish for I guess....


I think you just need to flat out tell her she IS dirty and needs to shower/bathe more often (of course phase it better than that!). As for the armpits, not sure how to deal with that one other than being truthful and just say that you would REALLY prefer her to keep them clean shaven. You could say it turns you off, but I don't really know how that would go over... There is an NCIS show where one of the cast is after a forest ranger (woman) and she raises her arms and he sees the hair there, and his reaction sounds like what you did the first time.... Maybe you could watch that together?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bestofyou11 said:


> That's a good suggestion. I have invited her to shower with me and she does when I ask, but I shouldn't have to ask her to shower with me *or tell her to take a shower just to get her to take one. This isn't supposed to be a patient/caretaker or father/daughter relationship.* She is a perfectly healthy adult who should practice basic hygiene on her own without my insistence or help. Thanks for the response.


You are right it is not a parent child relationship, it is a husband wife relationship and you both need to act like adults.

Adults ask each other for things (not demand them). You can't change your spouse, only she can change herself. You can give her positive reinforcement for actions you like that she has chosen.

OK, so she will go in the shower with you when you ask her! Great, build on that! Ask her before you have sex. Reinforce her good behavior with something special afterwards that she likes. 

Read up on BF Skinner and conditioning. Ultimately it is all her choice, but you and reinforce those choices you like. Find out what she really likes as rewards......I would avoid M&M's.

Tell her you want her to join you in the shower prior to sex. You could say you have a treat for her and give her something like a piece of jewelry or tickets to something in a zip-lock plastic bag. Or you could use the shower as foreplay, then afterward do something she really likes (foot massage, back massage, oral sex on her, whatever she likes). Establish a ritual of showering more than twice a week that she looks forward to. Try some sensual bubble baths either together or you as her servant----get creative. Sometimes it may not involve actual sex at all, but will be fun and playful for both of you.

Good luck and as to armpit hair, get over it. You chose her to be your wife, don't get hung up on the little things.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Point her in a direction that other persons in her life will tell her and expose her to the reasons for better hygiene and shaving here and there as desired. This may be a case of this info will be better heard by her if it comes from not you.
Just one of those things. I've never seen a woman who wouldn't try and look better once she figures out how. It may be this simple.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She has been single and smelling her natural odors all her life, and she may think that this is just part of being a human female. Evidently, no one (like her mother) has told her to wash herself in certain places in between showers, because other people, including her husband, might not like her odors. In addition, she may think that under arm hair is perfectly normal, like many Europeans.

You might model washing your under arms at the bathroom sink in the morning or at night in between showers, and tell her that you don't want the bacteria to build up and start smelling.

You can also tell her that you prefer when she shaves her under arms, that long underarm hair on a female is not appealing to you.

Lastly, buy a hand held bidet to attach to your toilet. They are super easy to attach, no plumber needed. Also put a small hand towel holder next to the toilet for a hand towel. Leave the toilet paper holder there for you-know-what.

Here is the one I have, and I love it! https://www.houzz.com/product/83892...MI-J2n0uLT2gIVS7jACh1Bogf0EAQYBCABEgK8t_D_BwE

Use it yourself after you go to the bathroom, and encourage her to use it every time she uses the toilet. Once she realizes how nice it is to be "fresh" all the time in between showers, she might prefer it. (BTW, soap is not necessary to wash away private area perspiration and urine in between showers.)

You could have some fun and show her some really fancy and expensive toilets that many people buy.

https://video.search.yahoo.com/sear...+bidet+toilet+you+tube&fr=mcafee&guccounter=1


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> I think you just need to flat out tell her she IS dirty and needs to shower/bathe more often (of course phase it better than that!). As for the armpits, not sure how to deal with that one other than being truthful and just say that you would REALLY prefer her to keep them clean shaven. You could say it turns you off, but I don't really know how that would go over... *There is an NCIS show where one of the cast is after a forest ranger (woman) and she raises her arms and he sees the hair there, and his reaction sounds like what you did the first time.... Maybe you could watch that together?*


Very indirect way to talk about that issue. OP could do that, and if she doesn't get the hint, he will have to be more direct.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bestofyou11 said:


> Trust me when I say I really didn't know. If I did, there is NO WAY I would have married her. Basic Hygiene is the ground floor in a partner for me. Thanks for the response.


Maybe she bathed only when the two of you went out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The only thing to do is to be brutally honest with her. 

Then the question becomes if you two have kids will she teach then basic hygiene.


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