# A letter from a sex-starved husband



## Guy Epp

The following letter is not mine but I could have easily written it. My wife found it online and forwarded it to me to let me know that she finally "got it". I've been saying the same things to her over and over and over again and again and again...was driving me insane. 

I post the following in case it does help some people here:

Dear Cathy,

While I doubt my ability to do this I will try and give you a thorough and honest description, from my heart, of what it feels like for me, being the husband of a wife with a low sex drive. I'm angry, I think that is the dominant emotion at this time. After so many years of trying to help her understand the rejection I feel, I've finally come to the point of anger over the situation. I also love my wife very much though. Outside the issue of sex I could write two hundred times the volume of things about my wife that are indescribably perfect about her and make her a far better woman than I could ever hope to be worthy of and this comes as much from the bottom of my heart as anything else I'm about to write here.

The love and desire I feel for her coupled with the anger I feel over the sexual issue only makes the situation that much more frustrating. No, I would never divorce my wife, not ever. Even if the ability to have sex was taken from either of us and I knew that my marriage would remain sexless I would never leave her. My love for her is not based on whether I have sex with her. My desire to have sex with her does stem from the feelings of love I have for her though. There is no way I could ever be happier without her than I am with her, so, our marriage is not in danger of falling apart due to this issue.

So many times a wife with a low libido will complain that her husband's only interest in her is sex. He only married her for sex. But is this true? Well, yes and no. I think the following is a reasonable description of the situation and while I'm not trying to be offensive or condescending in any way, it is my hope that some wives might, from reading the following, gain some helpful information that will help them better understand their husband's feelings and how his mind works in regard to the issue of marital sex and a husband's expectations.

There are many things that can easily result in a loss of libido in women. Pregnancy, a hard day at work, the responsibilities of taking care of a home and family, hormonal fluctuation, depression, stress, less help and attention from her husband. I want it understood that I realize that a woman's sex drive differs from a man's and that I do put energy into seeing things through my wife's eyes and giving her what she needs.

A man's sex drive, on the other hand, is not so easily turned off. He has been hardwired to think about sex and want sex and, very rarely will a man find himself too tired or too stressed out to have sex. A man's main motive for getting married is not so he can have sex. In today's society sex is readily available so my wife's argument that my only interest in her is sex is easily dispelled with that argument. Truth, I could have more sex if I was single but my need is not sex BUT sex with the woman I love, respect and admire.

So, although I did not get married just so I could have sex, I did not get married so that I could NOT have sex. Sex is only one of a multitude of reason I got married. I married my wife out of love, with a need for her companionship; to be life partner's with her. To share mutual respect, desire, a need to share lifelong goals with her and to be able to have sex with the person I had chosen to do these things with. Let's face it, if all I had wanted was a companion, a friend, someone to set life goals with and share mutual respect with, I could have found myself a roommate to live with instead.

This may sound questionable at first glance but think about it, I don't think there is one thing my wife can give me that I couldn't get from a good friend and roommate other than sex. Even if I wanted to be a parent, I could adopt a child. So, why should a man make a lifetime commitment to marriage when he isn't going to be getting what he considers to be "icing on the cake"….sex with the woman he loves.

When he makes a lifetime commitment he assumes a lifetime responsibility for financial support, child support, even the, "for worse" aspects of ending up with a critically ill wife. A man who loves his wife accepts the obligation and joy that comes along with loving and caring for his wife and their children no matter what the future brings.

I have to ask myself what is the real reason behind any man wanting to accept the responsibility that comes with marriage and to me the answer is: for the legal, societal and religious blessing of creating an intimate, life long connection with another human being. I've already stated that I believe that shacking up or living with a close male friend could give a man all the other benefits of marriage. When you find yourself in a marriage with a woman whose sex drive is non-existent one has to wonder if men and women don't have different ideas of what marriage is all about in the first place and why we aren't taught to discuss those differences before hand. If my wife had told me that, after marriage our sex life would dwindle down to once every three months I'm not sure I would have willingly taken on the responsibility of marriage. I surely wouldn't have been open to setting myself up for constant emotional rejection by the woman I love.

I'm not trying to be crass, just pointing out a way of looking at it, from a man's viewpoint and one that is probably very different from the view of a low drive wife. My point in all this is that I don't think the problems of a sexless marriage or sex starved marriage can be solved until the wife is willing to see it from her husband's perspective. Even if it is not something she feels comfortable hearing or discussing it is very likely the truth and being aware of his feelings and compensating for them can only help. In a situation like this, ignorance is not bliss but I find with my wife that she would rather be ignorant and turn a blind eye to the problem. As long as she is left in complete control over our sex life she seems perfectly happy.

I tried to explain it to my wife this way. I told her to imagine she had grown up playing with dolls and dreaming of someday becoming a mother. Now, you meet and marry the perfect husband, the one person throughout your whole life that you've got societies approval to have a baby with and, it turns out that he doesn't really like babies. He gets bogged down with his work, he is tired on the weekends after mowing the grass, washing the car and just plain stressed out with all there is to do in life. He makes the decision that having a baby would just add to his stress and with the stress he already deals with in life he just can't even think about babies or anything to do with them. You are going to have to wait until he is in a better mood or not so stressed out. Now you are stuck. There is something you want very badly, that you can't have without his co-operation and there isn't much you can do about it other than get a divorce or stay married to him knowing you will live with the frustration of never having a baby. Sounds like a pretty unreasonable man doesn't her?

Just as my wife grew up playing with dolls and dreaming of having children and a home and family, I grew up looking at girlie magazines and dreaming of getting married and having a home and family and a real live wife to have some real live sex with on a regular basis and I don't mean every 3 months either. Morally I knew that the price I would pay for such a real live wife and real live sex would mean obligating myself to marriage and my family.

Somewhere down the line though, my wife's idea of what our marriage would be like changed. She didn't discuss the change with me, didn't ask me how I felt about the change and doesn't seem to feel any moral obligation to try and live in a way that means we maintain the intimate connection that makes us husband and wife.

She may have a good reason for making the change in her attitude. She may be tired and stressed out and just not feeling the same old urges she used to feel. Maybe I don't rock her world any longer who knows. Whatever her reasons are for changing, my desires stayed the same, my need to be intimately connected to my wife is still with me.

I now have to live with the idea that I am morally, legally and emotionally tied to a woman who is dismissive of something that I feel is a very important aspect of our marriage. It seems to be that, she almost feels that, since she no longer desires sex on a regular basis that my feelings should have adjusted just because her feelings did.

I live my life for my wife and family. I go to work every day to pay for the roof over our heads, the vacations we take, the food we eat. Every action I take I have them in mind. I do NOTHING without first consulting her and would never dream of making the decision to change an aspect of her life so drastically and not discuss the problems with her. I went from someone she wanted to have sex with to someone she doesn't want to come near her. I had a wife for 3 years who was a full participant in our sex life. It as exciting, adventurous and everything I had planned it to be before marriage. Overnight it all changed though and now, when I question her about it, or suggest we do something sexually that we have done many times before I am accused of being a pervert or only wanting her for sex.

I think the world of my wife and would never consider leaving her. I've already stated that. Outside of sex I still believe she is the most wonderful woman in the world. Even though that is true, deep down and SEXUALLY speaking, I also know that I've made the worst mistake of my life and I am now stuck with someone who isn't going to meet, what for me, is a very strong and very basic drive…to have a sexual relationship with my wife. I feel like I have been short changed or a victim of the old "bait and switch," and it isn't a good feeling.

When my wife reads this she may howl, will probably be offended by what I have said. She will probably accuse me of being the pervert I have recently become…in her opinion. As outrageous as she may feel it is, the honest and undeniable fact of the matter is that it's true. These are my true feelings. They might as well be out in the open so they can be faced and considered by my wife who holds the key to solving this problem.

This is the point that I am at in my marriage. My wife likes affection, to be romanced, taken out on dates and given gifts. She likes for me to help around the house, take the kids off her hands for a day so she can have free time. She likes extra money for shopping, vacations alone and weekends away with her sisters. I bend over backwards so my wife can have these things that she considers to be basic needs that make her life easier.

I'm beginning to lose interest in making sure her needs get met. I'm losing interest in meeting her expectations when, it seems, she feels no need to meet mine, one basic need and that is sex. It is not unreasonable of me to say that if my wife constantly turns down my one basic need that I'm going to eventually lose interest in meeting her needs.

Let's face it. My wife is high maintenance. Those special gifts, weekends alone with the kids, cleaning up after dinner, doing laundry, putting effort into being romantic, planning dates 3 times a month and all the other "special" little things she feels I should do for her…on top of a full time job, is a lot WORK. Why should I continue to bend over backwards to please her with that long list of needs when she won't put effort into making sure I get the ONE thing I need out of the relationship so that I can feel "special?"

Bottom line, my wife has it easy. I'd switch places with her any day. It takes a lot less effort to keep a husband happy than it does to keep a wife happy. Give me sex twice a week, get into it, let me curl your toes and I'm a happy man. What is so hard about that? Why aren't I and my needs worth as much effort from her as she gets from me regarding her needs? Is it any surprise that I'm feeling less inclined to do all those things she needs me to do. I'm feeling less and less like a loving husband and more and more like a paycheck and I feel my grip tightening around the cast.

In other words, I feel distance and the need to withdraw because of the tremendous pain every time my wife looks at me and rolls her eyes just because I love her and want to be intimate with her. Is this how marriages begin to fail?

Source: A Letter From a Sex-Starved Husband - Yahoo Voices - voices.yahoo.com


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## Coffee Amore

Poor guy. He is too accommodating though.


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## Rayloveshiswife

Good stuff. Gonna forward this to my wife. Things are good but we were sexless just a few months ago. And although she is happy to give me regular sex now, I don't think she ever got where I was comming from. 

I'm assuming your marriage is sexless. If your wife said she finally "go it". Does that mean she is going to work to heal the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby

One thing I've seen a lot is that many LD wives say that they deny their husbands sex because they feel that all they want is "it" not them. I guess this is a matter of perspective. My wife actually thinks its cool that she has something that I can't live without. 

Isn't it a good thing that women have something that their men crave? I guess that's why I never understood the whole denial because its all you want angle. Especially when most of the men that are getting that excuse are trying everything to show that isn't the case.


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## Aloner

I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


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## woundedwarrior

I totally agree with the letter & addition to refraining from meeting all of her needs, you also lose your own sex drive. I've said it repeatedly, a spouse should want to have sex or there is a marital problem. All the superficial excuses are just cover ups for something bigger.
I personally will no longer beg, demand, guilt, threaten etc just to get sex. Sex without true intimacy is just another form of masturbation, you're better off using your hand & saving your heart. No sex will always trump "obligatory sex", at least to me.


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## hawx20

Aloner said:


> I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


Well sometimes sex drive is just an excuse. Case in point, my wife. For about a year and a half her sex drive was nearly non existent. She tried telling me she was tired, the kids, blah blah blah. She told me sex wasnt a big deal for her and she was happy with once a month.

Turns out, she cheated on me. There was no problem with her sex drive. Its funny, now that we are in R, her sex drive is through the damn roof.

Hell, a few months ago, I could have written this letter. This issue is what brought me to TAM exactly one year ago. 11 months later, I find myself in the CFI subforum.


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## ReformedHubby

Aloner said:


> I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


This is true. But it only applies to a man they are attracted to. If she isn't attracted to you anymore you pretty much become sexually invisible to her.


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## Tall Average Guy

Aloner said:


> I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


Lots of reasons. Children change things *a whole lot* for women. Hormones, caring for them and maternal instincts. Focus leaves the husband. This makes sense at first, because the kids need it. The problem becomes when it becomes the new rule. 

For some, it appears that becoming a mother fundamentally changes how they view themselves and how they feel they need to act. A mother sets a good example, and that means suppressing the wild stuff they did before and comporting themselves as responsible mother.

Another issue is that familiarity, while perhaps not breeding contempt, certainly breeds indifference. Neither spouse needs to try as hard, because they already have them. Sexy outfits transform into sweats or ripped shorts and stained t-shirts. A night in on the couch becomes the norm. Couple that with many women having responsive desire that requires kindling throughout the day, and you get low desire.

I blamed my wife when she lost her desire for sex. And half of it was her fault. But the other half was on me. I did not know any better, but my behaviors were turning her off. Once I started fixing that stuff, she upped her game as well. Here, I wonder if the letter writer has probably given into his wife too much. Too much agreeing to everything she wants in hopes of making her happy. Not enough independent decisions about what affects him. Showing her that he is still the man she married.


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## WorkingOnMe

Reading the letter it's easy to see why he's sexless.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Aloner said:


> I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


I'd love to know actual facts about how many women vs men are LD. I think also a man who is LD just isn't talked about as much but is a much more common problem then people would think. Mainstream still shows the typical man chasing a woman around to have sex while she gives in for him, you have to look harder for the women suffering in sexless marriages. 
When you think you are the only one dealing with the opposite problem you are less likely to speak up. 
There's also an extra sense of shame that comes with thinking every other man in the world but yours is begging for sex.


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## sinnister

ReformedHubby said:


> This is true. But it only applies to a man they are attracted to. If she isn't attracted to you anymore you pretty much become sexually invisible to her.


I agree completely. And this is why all of the love language reading and letter writing in the world will not help a situation where you're in a sexless marriage.

You might as well be a used tissue. There are no feelings towards us in that way and I would venture to guess their first impression of the prosepect is to recoil.

IMO there is only one solution. End it.


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## justtryin

The good -

The guy states his values and expectations of what his idea of a marriage is and should be. Plus, he is loving and dedicated and determined. All of which could have (and should have) been said verbally and in person to his wife, matter of factly, right in the eyes, in about 2 or 3 sentences MAX. 


The bad -

Waaaay too wordy, and whiny, needy, like a little boy. He does not need to explain "all the things he does" as if he deserves a reward. His mind is in the wrong place. And in fact his wife very likely does appreciate the things he does on some level. That's why she hasn't made an effort to leave him yet. But those things don't create sexual attraction in her, and him explaining it to her won't either. At BEST she may "try harder" and throw him a bone once in a while - out of pity or a sense of duty or obligation. Empty, emotionally unfulfilling sex that no matter how good a woman is at faking it, he'll subconsciously (or even consciously) feel it and be left wanting it even more often, eventually pushing her further away as he becomes more desperate, or he himself finally finds it (or tries to find it) elsewhere.


That's just the tip of the iceberg. In short, it's VERY clear why there is a problem in the first place. And it's entirely on HIM, not her, as made clear by his attitude, AND up to him to fix - which he absolutely can, to both of their benefits - but he simply doesn't know how. Which is the terrible, tragic irony of these things.


I see a couple other posters here understand this too. LD = Lack of sexual attraction. Barring any legitimate medical reasons, everything else is simply an excuse, often times with the woman herself even believing the excuses. But put her in the presence of a guy who knows how to operate himself and her, otherwise exact same circumstances, and she comes alive. Suddenly she is plenty sexual, regardless of stress and lack of free time and kids and other priorities and blah blah blah. She PUTS him as her first priority without even thinking about it. She can't help herself. This should be the goal of a husband - be that guy. For her benefit as well as yours.

The question isn't "why", it's "how". And yes it is possible. Having lengthy emotional discussions, especially in the form of a letter where he can't even speak directly to her, and about what she isn't doing for him, will only make it worse. It's a whiny, needy, emotionally desperate threat, and he thinks that will light her fire? She's going to get turned on by this, suddenly see the "error of her ways" and now be hot for him, "make" herself feel true desire for him?

I can see the appeal of that letter from a man's perspective, because I used to think that way too. But it's a recipe for failure. However it's also a wake up call that HE needs to change, or else his marriage is ultimately doomed one way or the other anyways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

I always loved the joke:

Q: Why is a woman smiling on her wedding day?

A: Because she has given her last blow job!

I agree with the OP. A man is expected to provide, make his W feel cherished and attractive, to put her needs ahead of everything else, to make life as easy and happy for her as is humanly possible. If he doesn't, then the W will have so many legitimate reasons to leave him or have an affair, and she will have a whole cheering section reassuring her that she was right, that her H deserved what he got.

Women, on the other hand, are taught that they owe their H nothing, that they don't have to be treated as "sex slaves". They are conditioned to believe from the moment they grow breasts that all men are pigs and only want one thing. This will follow them into marriage.

And men are taught to "put up and shut up". If a H wants sex and his W doesn't, then it's "HANDS OFF", and she doesn't have to explain herself.

The sad thing is, for every woman that reads that letter and thinks that she should consider her H's feelings and try to make him feel special...

...there are at least 25 more who are thinking that it is just another lame attempt from a CAN (Controlling, Abusive Neanderthal) to force her to do something she obviously hates....

...just another emotionally immature "pig" who only wants one thing.


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## Thebes

Aloner said:


> I don't get it. Isn't it very common for women these days to say they are just as sexual as men? A woman's sex drive is even supposed to go up when she gets older while a man's does the opposite. So I don't get why this still happens so often.


It goes up for a couple of years or so before menopause but once menopause hits its pretty much gone.


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## Thebes

I would love to fulfill my husbands sexual fantasies, start sex with him, give him a bj even though I've seen where its been but until he does one thing for me, tell me he's sorry for the affairs and the harsh words and that he loves me I'm not up to it even if he leaves.


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