# Need advice, online boundaries



## HappyAfter10 (Aug 18, 2015)

Hi all. 

This is gonna be long I think. but I feel you need the background.

Years ago DH went to a party with friends where he said a girl was quite interested in him. Petting him though his jeans, and he said she unzipped his pants and tried to blow him. He said he pulled away after this as he felt like this was going too far, and he told me about it immediately. At the time I was kind of shocked but I wasn't angry or anything, and he did tell me immediatley.

Then he started browsing online dating sites. Life happened and we moved and I ended up living apart from him for a few months with the kids due to work. He ramped it up with the online dating, including sexting. He told me about it and even sent screenshots. I was shocked but soon accepted it, and I found it hot tbh.

We both started online, him more than I. I found I wasn't really into it, though I did chat with one girl a couple of times.

We were discussing open marriage, and trying to decide if it was for us. Its not. We learned that for sure when I became emotionally attached to a new co worker. (we were living together again by this time). My husband knew all about it and he was the one who convinced me that my feelings were too much. Eventually we got past that too, it wasn't easy. 

Our last year has been very hard due to extreme financial stress, job loss and depression.(DH is clinically depressed and has GAD) his last employer fired him when he needed sick leave (and no thats not legal).

He had no interest in me and was very hard to be around, and the more our money ran out the more stressed I got and was hard to be around too I guess.

Now hes working a great job, our finances are improving and we're happy again. Except for one thing. I discovered during that time he has been chatting to people online again. I caught him imessaging with a girl, and eventally asked about it. He says they connected over some similar experiences and became friends. He said shes not the only person he talks to online, he likes to talk to strangers, male or female. He swears there has been no sexting either. 

However he keeps his phone locked, and has security on there so he knows if you input a wrong passcode. Hes got reasons to want to keep it private though. He does all his journaling for his depression in there.

Last night I discovered a plenty of fish account, updates in the last year according to pics. I created a fake account and sent him a message, he has not replied so I don't know if he stopped using it after I asked him about his online activities. He always says if he decided he wants to cheat he'll tell me first,,but he only wants me. 

The last month or two we have really been making an effort to reconnect and he has been wonderful to me. He even starting making an effort to sleep in bed every night, which is important to me, but his sleep is messed up do he often sleep on the couch. He also surprised me with the news that before out finances fell apart he started planning me a surprise birthday getaway. It looks like we can still go.

I feel like we are in a recovery mode, so do I tip my hand? DO I confront him about this POF account or do I let it slide so long as he doesn't respond to the message. If i say something hell accuse me of being a snoop and say I don't trust him.

Please advise me


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyAfter10 said:


> Then he started browsing online dating sites. Life happened and we moved and I ended up living apart from him for a few months with the kids due to work. He ramped it up with the online dating, including sexting. He told me about it and even sent screenshots. _I was shocked but soon accepted it, and I found it hot tbh._
> 
> Please advise me


That's all I really needed to see.

With all due respect I think you're both broken and need some serious counseling. He is a betrayer and you an enabler.

I wish you both well.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HappyAfter10 said:


> If i say something hell accuse me of being a snoop and say I don't trust him.


 Trust needs to be earned and not falsely expected. Based on his history, why on earth would you to trust him? You would have to be an idiot to trust him. Once there is no trust, and you have reason to suspect cheating, there is nothing wrong with snooping on a spouse to confirm facts needed to make life changing decisions in your life. Your marital boundaries are all messed up. They are designed by a cheater to allow cheating and not around protecting and strengthening the marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

First you wanted an open marriage, what happened that you didn't then, when you got involved emotionally with someone in the office?

Does this mean it is one sided, it is ok for him to sext, chat OW online, watch porn etc, but not for you?

You are not an equal in this relationship.

Do not trust what he is saying, wait till he replies to your message and then you will know what to do.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

You need to figure out what is acceptable in your relationship and what isn't. Your boundaries are so vaguely-defined right now that he may not know what is considered acceptable behavior and what isn't.

You and he need to have a serious talk about what you want your relationship to be. Decide what your limits are, and what constitutes going "too far." Establish your rules, communicate them clearly, and then stick to them.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You played with fire and you got burnt. You let the genie out of the bottle and you can't put him back. You're both broken. See a marriage counselor. Maybe, it can help you both and help your marriage in the long run.


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## osphewr (Sep 7, 2015)

it can help you both and help your marriage in the long run.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear. 

I recommend individual and couple's counselling and start both ASAP.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

HappyAfter10 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> This is gonna be long I think. but I feel you need the background.
> 
> ...


Dear HappyAfter10,

Let me start by saying that I agree with the other posters that both you and your H have messed up badly and are in need of counseling.

That said, my advice is for you to decide what you will and won't tolerate from your H, tell him what you expect of him and then give him consequences if he screws up.

Until you make it clear to him what he is and isn't free to do, you can't very well complain when he does something you don't like. And until you let him know that you will take action (up to and including divorce), you can't expect him to change.

Now go get counseling for yourself and encourage your H to do the same.


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