# Hi I'm Tom



## nifter53

Hi there,

My wife and I (married close to 10 years with 3 children) are happy.....but very stressed out. I worry that over the years we've focused so much on kids and work and not our relationship. I feel over stressed from work and she feels overworked from house/kids. Yes, the kids will be gone one day, but what state will our relationship be in when that day comes...

I'm looking for input about how to deal best with this. I make the majority of the money and she does the majority of the housework. We share house hold chores probably 70/30 (her/me). I feel if i take on more housework, then i may be resentful towards her, feeling like I have to pay for everything AND do 50/50 of the housework. She feels like she's already stressed to the max and I can't ask her to 'make more money'. She enjoys working, it's not a stressful job, so I don't want to ask her to quit.

Looking for some input.

Thanks,
Tom


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## jlg07

You need to start working on things that just the TWO of you can do together - go out on date nights, do sports/activities together, do hobbies together, etc.. How about doing the household stuff TOGETHER? Maybe get the kids to take on some of those chores also to relieve the pressure for the both of you.

You NEED to focus on the marriage, not just the family.


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## sunsetmist

Welcome...
Do y'all have date nights? Do you bring her small gifts, flirt with her, do anything to restore connectedness and intimacy? Can you hire someone to help with housework? Give her spa days? Tell her how much you appreciate her? 

She needs to feel desired and sexy too. But so do you!! Set aside time to spend together--quality time--15 hours a week is suggested. You might want to read 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. I like 'Married Man's Sex Life Primer' too.


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## personofinterest

A have a couple of questions:

1. Do you BOTH work full time, or does she work part time?
2. How old/how many kids?
What other activities besides work and family are you both involved in (hobbies, sports, clubs, etc.)?


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## nifter53

Thanks for the input. 

So, we currently have a cleaner come once per week to do the major clean. The rest of the week, she's quite busy keeping up with laundry and coaching kids sports. I'll stay home at night and play with the little ones and tidy the house while she's out. Once kids are all back from sports, it's snack, teeth, stories and bed. Then I'm falling asleep...

I do like the idea of small gifts. That is a great idea. 

As for intimacy, I know I think about ti everyday, I'm pretty sure she does as well, but it just feel easier to just go to bed, we're so tired.

As for 15hrs/week of relationship time. That will be hard to find.

I guess at this point I'm best to just do everything I can to help with housework and make more effort to make her feel special. 

thanks for the suggestions


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## Betrayedone

You are a smart man to start working on this now.....before it reaches critical mass.


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## jlg07

You both REALLY need to find time away for JUST YOURSELVES. Go for a walk together (NO KIDS). Go out to dinner, doesn't have to be anything big. 

If you keep the path you are on, you are correct -- there won't be any relationship left when the kids are gone.
YOU AND YOUR WIFE are each others primary relationship -- everything else is secondary, including coaching, etc..


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## nifter53

personofinterest said:


> A have a couple of questions:
> 
> 1. Do you BOTH work full time, or does she work part time?
> 2. How old/how many kids?
> What other activities besides work and family are you both involved in (hobbies, sports, clubs, etc.)?


1. Do you BOTH work full time, or does she work part time? 
A: I run a small business, she works 6hr/day (but she brings kids to school-works-picks up kids)

2. How old/how many kids?
A: 11, 8, 3

What other activities besides work and family are you both involved in (hobbies, sports, clubs, etc.)?
A: I just work. She coaches kids sports, has an outing or 2 per month with friends. Every 2 months or so the both of us would go to friends with some other couples.


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## Yeswecan

nifter53 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> My wife and I (married close to 10 years with 3 children) are happy.....but very stressed out. I worry that over the years we've focused so much on kids and work and not our relationship. I feel over stressed from work and she feels overworked from house/kids. Yes, the kids will be gone one day, but what state will our relationship be in when that day comes...
> 
> I'm looking for input about how to deal best with this. I make the majority of the money and she does the majority of the housework. We share house hold chores probably 70/30 (her/me). I feel if i take on more housework, then i may be resentful towards her, feeling like I have to pay for everything AND do 50/50 of the housework. She feels like she's already stressed to the max and I can't ask her to 'make more money'. She enjoys working, it's not a stressful job, so I don't want to ask her to quit.
> 
> Looking for some input.
> 
> Thanks,
> Tom


Tom,

The money/house work/chores all become secondary background noise when your prioritize your marriage. Kids do not come first. Your W comes first in everything. Time to start dating your W again. Date nights, time to talk without kids distracting, be appreciative with all she does. Eventually, the chores are done together because you want to. Going out is looked forward to. It is freeing when you both are on the same path. Once on that path you don't want to get off.


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## personofinterest

So if you run a business that requires in excess of the typical 40 hours, which most businesses do, and she works 30 hours a week, then the 30/70 split seems fair to me.

Is there room for negotiation in the kids' sports? I mean, it is nice to have parents who coach, but, especially if it is multiple sports, that would seem like the first area of compromise.

I think one place to start is to carve out 1-2 pieces of time each week that will be just YOURS. Not you and the kids or you and other couples - just the two of you. At least one of those should take place either in an empty house with the kids elsewhere OR out of the house. Put it ON the calendar and don't compromise it.

Do you go to bed at the same tie? This is a good idea. Believe it or not, spouses who do NOT go to bed at the same time tend to be less connected and have less frequent sex. YES there are exceptions, but that is the general tendency.


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## Yeswecan

nifter53 said:


> As for 15hrs/week of relationship time. That will be hard to find.


Sir, 20 hours a week. You need to find it. Realize 1 hour each morning over coffee. An hour at night with no kid distraction. These add up. It is simply a must that a relationship requires one on one time without distraction. It is easy to see because you are here making inquiry. However, you recognize a problem and are looking to resolve it. That is a great start. 

BTW, bed time is not turn out the light and go to bet. It is the one best time talk and be together. My W will state without a doubt that bed time laying together is her best time of the day.

EDIT: As something for every day, write a note. Three words that go a long way...I appreciate you. Your W wants to be appreciated and valued. Let your W know she is. Things will change.


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## Yeswecan

Betrayedone said:


> You are a smart man to start working on this now.....before it reaches critical mass.


Quoted for truth.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Yeswecan said:


> Sir, 20 hours a week.


 LOL. I barely spend that much 'quality' time with my husband in a *month*. And I'm including just sitting around watching TV after dinner.

That's why we get along so well.:grin2:


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## personofinterest

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sir, 20 hours a week.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL. I barely spend that much 'quality' time with my husband in a *month*. And I'm including just sitting around watching TV after dinner.
> 
> That's why we get along so well.<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
Click to expand...

 There is a site where no one will even respond to you and less you commit to spending this much time to gather a week. This is not that forum, so we don't have to repeat that montre hear over and over.


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## Yeswecan

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. I barely spend that much 'quality' time with my husband in a *month*. And I'm including just sitting around watching TV after dinner.
> 
> That's why we get along so well.:grin2:


It is not that difficult. Saturday or Sunday we spend the day together. Most weekends it is both days. Every morning we have breakfast together(30 minutes together daily during the work week). In the evening we always have dinner together, often cooking and clean up together. Then we binge watch any series that interest us or other programs of interest in the evening. Writing this out I see my W and I spend 20++ together each week. I guess that is how we arrived at 25 years of marriage today!


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## StillSearching

Yeswecan said:


> Tom,
> 
> *The money/house work/chores all become secondary background noise when your prioritize your marriage. Kids do not come first. Your W comes first in everything.* Time to start dating your W again. Date nights, time to talk without kids distracting, be appreciative with all she does. Eventually, the chores are done together because you want to. Going out is looked forward to. It is freeing when you both are on the same path. Once on that path you don't want to get off.


YES!


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## sokillme

I see this a lot, and I don't get it. The kids should not be a priority to the point of hurting your marriage. If all she does is run around taking them to events maybe they need to not do ALL the events. What's more important an intact family or their soccer season which they probably won't even remember when 3 years later.


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## nifter53

So...I'm still feeling a bit clueless (i know that sounds pathetic). I put some thought into the idea of small gifts, but really I don't think that's what she wants. She's very well put together and really enjoys finding herself outfits and accessories. In the past, most things I buy get exchanged for something different, which I'm fine with, but seems to add more work for her to try and return a gift and then find something else. She does like flowers...and actually came home with some flowers for herself yesterday...so I missed that boat.

I think i just need to better understand what she wants to hear. She does a lot for the family and is almost always busy doing things around the house or out doing an event for the kids. I sometimes wish she would just sit down and chill out. 

She's been on nice trips with her friends in the past or a girls weekend out of town, which she likes, but I'm not looking to send her off with friends on a trip. I'm wanting to know what to say/do to her so she knows how much I appreciate her...without being sappy. We thank you to eat other all the time and so small gestures, put toothpaste on each others toothbrush, pour coffee for each other....but I feel like we aren't fully letting each other know what's in our head and whenever a moment comes that i want to say it, I've got a kid talking over me or something else awkward comes up.

Tom


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## sokillme

nifter53 said:


> So...I'm still feeling a bit clueless (i know that sounds pathetic). I put some thought into the idea of small gifts, but really I don't think that's what she wants. She's very well put together and really enjoys finding herself outfits and accessories. In the past, most things I buy get exchanged for something different, which I'm fine with, but seems to add more work for her to try and return a gift and then find something else. She does like flowers...and actually came home with some flowers for herself yesterday...so I missed that boat.
> 
> I think i just need to better understand what she wants to hear. She does a lot for the family and is almost always busy doing things around the house or out doing an event for the kids. I sometimes wish she would just sit down and chill out.
> 
> She's been on nice trips with her friends in the past or a girls weekend out of town, which she likes, but I'm not looking to send her off with friends on a trip. I'm wanting to know what to say/do to her so she knows how much I appreciate her...without being sappy. We thank you to eat other all the time and so small gestures, put toothpaste on each others toothbrush, pour coffee for each other....but I feel like we aren't fully letting each other know what's in our head and whenever a moment comes that i want to say it, I've got a kid talking over me or something else awkward comes up.
> 
> Tom


I will give you my go to. Leave notes. Put them around the house so she finds them, if she gets up earlier then you, that is a nice thing to wake up to, like say by the coffee machine. Say things like. "I see how hard you work for our family and I appreciate that. You looked hot in that dress you wore the other night! I was thinking about X, I know how lucky I am to be married to you. Hey I miss you, can we spend some time together just us?"

Now don't say it if you don't mean it. And you need to tailor it to what ever it is that you appreciate. 

Next when you are at a store shopping if you see something small she will like, buy it. Don't agonize over it, just get it. Flowers or treats in the supermarket are easy to get, sure it's small but the point is you are thinking about her. 

Pay attention to what she is saying to you. If she says she needs something (be it a gift or something that will help her) listen to her, make a mental note, put it in your phone for later use. 

As far as gift giving? What kind of guy are you, car guy? Electronics? Gaming? When you were going to buy something for that hobby how much did you read about that, research. If you are a gamer I bet you can tell me what is better PS4 or PS4 pro and why. Do about 25% about that with your wives clothes, bags or whatever it is she is into. There is a ton of stuff online that can teach you about that. Once you get some knowledge about that you will be better equip to shop for it. You say it's clothes so pay attention to how she dresses, and try to pick stuff that matches the same style. If she likes flowery prints, pick flowery ones. What colors does she usually wear. Pick stuff in that color. If it's bags, what brand of bag does she like. Find one similar online. 

Imagine your wife got you a PS2 today? Would you think that was a good gift? If you are one sports team's fan and she got you some other jersey from a different team. In the end would you think that was a good gift or would you feel like she doesn't know anything about you? That is we do as men when we buy stuff that our wife has no use for. YES it's the same thing. It involves learning about your wife's world. It's about caring enough to want to know. Ask her about it. If she scoffs admit that you were wrong about that and you want to change, because you see that that IS important to her. 

Point is you have to put some work into it. Not a lot but a little. Mostly it's paying attention. If you are someone like me this can play into your need to problem solve. Treat it like that, work at it like that. This is a challenge that you need to solve. If you do that it actually makes it fun in a way. When you do it right you feel like you fixed you car or built a new computer of something.

If you do this and there isn't something wrong with your wife, you will be in a much better place. She is going to be much more open to you. Part of your job is to be a provider for her emotionally. One of the best ways to do that is to pay attention to her emotionally. When you do that you make your wife feel safe with you and close. She will start to listen to you then, and then you can says. We need to spend more time together. We need to make each other a priority. It will probably also make her "want" you more too.

Try some of this and see where you are in a month. But truth is, this is what being a husband, father, man is. When you love a women this is what you do. It's your mission.


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## nifter53

That sounds like some solid advice.

Thank you!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

nifter53 said:


> So...I'm still feeling a bit clueless (i know that sounds pathetic). I put some thought into the idea of small gifts, but really I don't think that's what she wants. She's very well put together and really enjoys finding herself outfits and accessories. In the past, most things I buy get exchanged for something different, which I'm fine with, but seems to add more work for her to try and return a gift and then find something else. She does like flowers...and actually came home with some flowers for herself yesterday...so I missed that boat.
> 
> I think i just need to better understand what she wants to hear. She does a lot for the family and is almost always busy doing things around the house or out doing an event for the kids. I sometimes wish she would just sit down and chill out.
> 
> She's been on nice trips with her friends in the past or a girls weekend out of town, which she likes, but I'm not looking to send her off with friends on a trip. I'm wanting to know what to say/do to her so she knows how much I appreciate her...*without being sappy. *We thank you to eat other all the time and so small gestures, put toothpaste on each others toothbrush, pour coffee for each other....but I feel like we aren't fully letting each other know what's in our head and whenever a moment comes that i want to say it, I've got a kid talking over me or something else awkward comes up.
> 
> Tom



Don't worry; feel free to get a little (or even a lot) sappy from time to time. A little sap goes a long way in marriage maintenance. That sticky sap can be the glue that helps hold you together. 

My wife is a full on closed emotion stoic, and yet she loves it when I get gushy (so long as it's more strong than silly, more appreciative than needy). 

I know it's been said, but I will reiterate--you gotta' find some just the two of you time. You can do this without the kids falling apart. In fact, they will respond well to living in a home with strong marital bonds. You don't do your kids any favors by modeling stress and hectic lifestyle. If that means cutting back on extracurriculars, so be it.


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## anchorwatch

Hello, Tom

Don't be surprised there are so many like yourself. Long term task and stresses can put relationships on a type of autopilot in order to cope. It happens frequently. You're awakening to that now. Some don't wake and their relationships suffer. There are some simple easily applied ideas that can be of great help to jump start and elevate your relationship. Let me introduce you to them. They are easy reads and simple ideas that work. Open your eyes and your relationship. Form a plan. You won't be sorry you did. 

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts... found in His Needs, Her Needs

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/... found in The 5 Love Languages

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/8-tools-that-will-change-your-life-the-hold-on-to-your-nuts-book-giveaway/
... found in Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

and finally... Boundaries in Marriage



Be the captain, Tom. Lead this ship.

Best




nifter53 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> My wife and I (married close to 10 years with 3 children) are happy.....but very stressed out. I worry that over the years we've focused so much on kids and work and not our relationship. I feel over stressed from work and she feels overworked from house/kids. Yes, the kids will be gone one day, but what state will our relationship be in when that day comes...
> 
> I'm looking for input about how to deal best with this. I make the majority of the money and she does the majority of the housework. We share household chores probably 70/30 (her/me). I feel if i take on more housework, then i may be resentful towards her, feeling like I have to pay for everything AND do 50/50 of the housework. She feels like she's already stressed to the max and I can't ask her to 'make more money'. She enjoys working, it's not a stressful job, so I don't want to ask her to quit.
> 
> Looking for some input.
> 
> Thanks,
> Tom


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## In Absentia

Yeswecan said:


> Sir, 20 hours a week.


Spend 3 hours a day with my wife? OMG :laugh:


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## personofinterest

In Absentia said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sir, 20 hours a week.
> 
> 
> 
> Spend 3 hours a day with my wife? OMG <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a>
Click to expand...

Better watch out. The cult will fair game you!


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## In Absentia

personofinterest said:


> Better watch out. The cult will fair game you!


:surprise:


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