# Being realistic, when you feel so connected



## GiventoFly (Dec 26, 2012)

Its been about a little over 2 years since I have been divorced. I have 3 children. The first year I took my time and did not date anyone serious. I feel pretty ready now, and would love to meet someone-a partner.
I posted an ad on a local singles site to find someone to do something with on NYE. 
I got many, many responses. One stood out. Almost immediately, we hit it off "virtually"-alot of communication in a short amount of time. BUT (there is always a but) he is newly separated (only 1 month out), still lives with his spouse and their two children. States they are waiting after the holidays to move out and begin the divorce process. (They were only married 5 years, he says of the last 2 it has been nothing but fighting, and she has told him time and time again soon that he should date someone else) He has not told her he has begun talking to me, I have told him that even though she said that to him, it will be entirely different when he actually tells her he is. (I know because I went through it first hand)
We have had many discussions about this and his situation. I have been very up front about all my apprehensions and he is very understanding. We have been on one amazing date and we talk each day-ALOT. We have alot in common. There feels like there is an amazing connection.
But yet, I feel like a 35 year old professional, educated woman should know better (referencing myself). And even if his intentions are the best, and he really is feeling everything he says he is, its all so new and so raw for him, that "adding this" into the mix, is a recipe for disaster.
Right now I am laid back about it all, because we are still just getting to know eachother but if it continues I know that unless progress is made with his situation, I will not be comfortable.
I am conflicted right now, I have seemingly met a great guy, but he is not an available guy, and the last few years of online dating have left me jaded and apprehensive. I am just trying to be level headed about all this and could use some sound objective advice.
I typically go with my heart and work off of emotions, but I am trying to make smarter choices for my own well being.
Part of me thinks, if this is really meant to be, let him move out, get things going in a more settled direction, and if things are meant to come back around for us they will. And another part of me is feeling on top of the world about how good it feels to be talkiing with someone that I feel a connection with, and I want to continue to get to know him.
Anyone been through a similar situation? I would welcome any gentle, objective advice. I know there is a strong possiblility I may be naive to the reality of this situation, so I just want to say up front, I understand that even just him living with his spouse still is a HUGE red flag. But I will also say it is not uncommon occurrence it seems, with the economy and everything. It is nothing I would be comfortable with for long though.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The reality is, there is a good chance he is married in every sense and his wife has no clue. 

However, if that part IS true, it's too soon for him. I didn't listen to others here thinking I had something different or special with a recently separated guy and wanting to give it time - they agreed on a divorce in November 2011, he moved out January 2012 and we met in April/May and dated until November. But in September I could tell he was becoming more distant - it's just we didn't get to talk it through until November. He didn't actually break it off but said he thought he was ready to move on and just realized many months later that he really wasn't emotionally healed from his marriage and asked me to put 'us' on hold. 

They had marital trouble for years so your guys' 2 years of arguing still doesn't play into whether or not he is over her and ready for a relationship.

Sometimes listening to our head and not our heart is the smart thing. I'd say put this on the back burner and tell him to call you when he has moved out at the very least. And prepare for heartache down the road.


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## GiventoFly (Dec 26, 2012)

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing your experience with me.
It is difficult for me, because he is satisfying some "emotional" needs I have right now (on the surface), but I can feel myself already getting a little "overwhelmed" thinking about how he really isn't in a place to even be doing what we are doing.
The reality is I was in a marriage where my emotional needs were not met, and when I sought them out in other people shortly after our separation I still felt grief and loss over my marriage not working out. 
With everything that has gone on the past few years, I have gotten a bit wiser. Talking through it all helps.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

GiventoFly said:


> Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing your experience with me.
> It is difficult for me, because he is satisfying some "emotional" needs I have right now (on the surface), but I can feel myself already getting a little "overwhelmed" thinking about how he really isn't in a place to even be doing what we are doing.
> The reality is I was in a marriage where my emotional needs were not met, and when I sought them out in other people shortly after our separation I still felt grief and loss over my marriage not working out.
> With everything that has gone on the past few years, I have gotten a bit wiser. Talking through it all helps.


Sometimes people serve a purpose - not that we are using each other... it just works out that way. My ex was abusive, mostly verbally. The guy I dated the longest had been separated for 3 years but never finalized it - somehow I thought if he met the right one he would. She lived out of country and I went to his home - I know he wasn't lying, but he wasn't willing to commit. 

However he did bring flowers every date, always opened the door, guided me with his hand on my lower back, took my dancing and to nice restaurants and called me every single night. It was what I needed at the time. I didn't love him, the sex was mediocre at best. I might have even settled for him after an ex like mine but instead we are just good acquaintances. He did finally divorce. But I get it that sometimes you just want someone who puts you first for a while.


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## GiventoFly (Dec 26, 2012)

Yes, very similar experience to yours. I am still dealing with alot of the unhealthy verbal abuse from my ex husband, he is over involved in my life etc etc. We have children so it complicates things.
Yes feeling first and desired, just feels GOOD.
I am glad I found this forum, reading other people's experiences are pretty theraputic, and the insight offered by others.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

GiventoFly said:


> BUT (there is always a but) he is newly separated (only 1 month out), still lives with his spouse and their two children. States they are waiting after the holidays to move out and begin the divorce process..


For all intensive purposes he's married with two children and if you two get together you are committing adultery. Do you really want that? 

I'd pass. Give him your number and tell him to give you a call after he's divorced and living on his own for awhile. I personally wouldn't touch him with a 100 foot pole. 

You have 3 children. Ask yourself this, if one of your children were acting the way you are now would you think it's a good idea?

Sounds like you have some issues to work out for yourself. Might want to focus on that before dating seriously in any case. Good luck.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like a lot of overhead for very little of substance in return. Except for the feeling. I like a situation that brings a calm reality. Not someone I have to jump through physical and emotional hoops (i.e. a lot of logic and contingencies) to be with. If it's not simple, it's too much for me. I have children, and nurturing my children and myself is very important. Either someone is ready and willing to contribute positively to my day to day existence, or they are not. Potential and if.... are not the same thing as substance and the here and now. I decided I'm not a gambler. Someone has to actually have done the work already, not be in the process. Does this make me cruel? No but it might make me unpleasant  Does it mean I might overlook/miss out on some good times with some okay/good people? Perhaps? Does it respect my time and energy, which on this earth is limited to x number of days, and keep me free for someone who is actually available without having to explain away someone who's been on my peripheral...yes.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I also don't think I could be with someone who has subjected themselves to two years of fighting and arguing. To me, that's a very low standard of self-care and exposing oneself to an unhealthy environment needlessly. If he could not have resolved this environment of fighting and arguing I would have issues with that. A person carries with them their emotional history, I don't see what two years of arguing and fighting could bring to a relationship. Even if you are offering something better he is coming to you from that place. I would think he'd go through some sort of decontamination before saddling someone else with that kind of recent past. :-(
It just doesn't seem like something that a considerate person would do to another human being.


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## GiventoFly (Dec 26, 2012)

HNU-I love what you wrote! For some reason, I did not get this response. I need to keep these things in mind. I open up to fast, but lose myself in the process


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## GiventoFly (Dec 26, 2012)

That is exactly what my best friend said and what common sense tells me. I am giving this situation a ton of energy, and need to focus on more feel good things. Break out of unhealthy patterns.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I had a friend say the same to me regarding a recent relationship. It's good to have friends who know us and who will look out for our dreams. If you commit to something that's not your dream, you're telling yourself that your dream isn't worth it, and losing faith in yourself and your beliefs besides. The people we've chosen as friends, are the people who we've trusted to safeguard our dreams, and we should honor that choice we've made and trust in them to look out for us.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

Maybe you neednt think too much about it, yes you should verify the story and not do anything stupid until you do.

I know how it feels to feel so GOOD talking to someone after such a long time. 

Maybe Im not one to advise, my story is similar to yours only its long distance online, says he's not married and we talk for long hours day, evening and sometimes into the night, I have no reason to doubt what he says, but I cant prove it either.

All I know is I wouldnt sleep with him or commit myself in any way till I can be sure.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

I understand what Enjoliwoman is saying.


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