# Shall I go with the second marriage?



## Karsten (Nov 4, 2012)

I just turned 29, I got married for the first time when I was 23 and got divorced 3 years later. I stayed single for 14 months (mid 2009 till end of 2010 ) until I get engaged in 2011 

During the engagement, I loved being with my current fiancee going out with her and all this, she is totally different then me, in every means, she is social and i'm not, she always go out and I'm a home person, she is elegant I mean fashionista elegant, so yes she likes shopping. i adjusted to this with time and started to do whatever she likes so you can say I changed for her. 

Due to this change, i suffered severe financial problems because of the sudden change of spending curve, until gradually she noticed the money stopped flowing like before. She said she understands and she will sacrifice for the sake for us, so instead going to the cinemas 3 times a week we would go once a week, and instead of eating fancy food 4 times a month, i would take her once a month. money got tighter and she couldn't go shopping every month like before. From now and then she will shoot some words at me that she feels "cheap" and not up to the level of her friends, but I try to always get her money but borrowing from my friends.


One day I woke up and said what I'm doing, do I really love her this much? I can't keep changing like this, so I told her that we should end this because I'm not happy because of all the reasons up, I can't get married because your lifestyle is way above mine and doesn't suit me and I'm nearly broke if not broke already. It was so difficult for me to tell her that, but I thought it will end and all will be for good , she cried the hell out she said I will do whatever you want, I will not shop I will eat home food everyday. I don't even want a wedding just don't leave me. saying I can't live without you. After hours of begging I said I will give her another chance.

She went by my book for few weeks only to go back the same saying that she is not the one like before, she opened the wedding topic,she said I will minimize all the costs I don't want big wedding I only want a small one with 180 people only. She keep nagging from time to time that her life is not what she expected.. I know that she only got engaged to me because I was a decent man for her (she told me that) and that I'm a catch as my work was good (she said that too) and she wants to get married because she is getting old (27)

I am now so unhappy, that I can't find a minute alone without her calling or asking me for something, she keeps telling me that her life is not what she expected, and that she sacrificed a lot. I even I don't find her attractive sexually at all, I didn't sleep with her for a month now, and I am sextually active, I am masterbating everyday.. I need s p a c e. space to work on my things as well.


I am an ambitious person, unlike her, my goals are not owning a ferrari and a beach house(Am not saying there is something wrong with that, everybody wants that but it is not my ultimate dream), my goal is to invent something that will benefit human-kind, and I need support to do that, she never approve of my ideas because they are not (monetary) and will not benefit us, and she is not supportive with the projects I start, that I don't even have time to work on because I am with her almost 24/7. 

I wish there is an easy way out without hurting her.

I already set a date for the marriage in 2013 that I'm 100% not convinced about and not happy about. she even noticed that I'm not helping her with anything in the preparation for the marriage because I totally don't want this and I was forced to do it. I booked the honeymoon ($4000 paid full)

It is clear that she loves me and I'm staying just because I don't want to hurt her.. but I want my peace back. I was much happier when I was single.

I have to admit that I learned a lot from being with her, how to dress properly, how to be social etc.. but that must not be the price of happiness. 

I am not happy.

Shall I continue with the marriage? Was this engagement a rebound? because love suddenly stopped as if there was nothing before.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

DO NOT MARRY HER! You are in it for ALL the wrong reasons.

You do not have the same goals. You do not share the same dream. If you're sick of it NOW, wait until you've had 10-15 more YEARS of her financial irresponsibility.

You don't LOVE each other in the right way - you're just a paycheck to her, she's...I don't know WHAT to you!?!

1.) End it NOW. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty. Tell her face-to-face, "(Her name), this relationship is not working for me. I am not happy in it and I know I will not be happy in this marriage in the long-run. The engagement is over; we will NOT be getting married at all."

2.) Move on. Of course she'll be angry/hurt/unhappy. But, if she can't accept it like an adult, then CHANGE your cellphone #, delete her emails unread, etc. and MOVE ON.

3.) Concentrate on YOUR DREAM. The right woman for you will be one you meet in the course of living your life the way YOU want to live it. She will be a natural addition to it (not a foreign object in it). She will understand and support YOUR goals, as you will support hers.

4.) Do NOT be guilted into staying with your fiancee. Remember that by letting go of this engagement you are giving your fiancee and yourself THE GIFT OF FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNERS for life (because you two are NOT the right partners for each other.)

5.) If you cannot get a refund on the honeymoon, see if you can exchange the honeymoon vacation for one or two OTHER vacations that you can use in the future.

Good luck, let us know how it goes if you decide to end this engagement.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would at minimum hold off the wedding to a later date. 

This woman needs to learn boundaries with money and stick to them. She needs to learn that you'll need to save for the future and put her shopping money away into savings, so you will be able to retire or she'll run you dry. You'll never be able to raise a family with her spending habits.

She has a shopping and spending addiction. This is actually a deal breaker for me. I'm a saver and I married a saver. My parents have spending addictions and my dad will never be able to retire. They have an enormous ongoing debt as well. If I were in that situation, I'd sever the relationship as soon as possible.

Only she can change herself. 2 weeks of change is not nearly enough. Don't stay in this relationship because you don't want to hurt her, this will only build up resentments. Don't expect her to change once your married either, it doesn't work. If you don't like what you see now, end the relationship. I'd rather lose 4,000 then 400,000.


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## ArdwenHeart (Jul 4, 2012)

I have been a member of this site for some time now, just to read others' opinions and stories and to get some perspective for my own troubled marriage, but your story is the first that I've felt very moved to respond to. It is natural for you _not_ to want to hurt her. That is an emotional response that most empathetic humans would have. But you must not allow _serving_ that natural feeling to make you sacrifice both yours and her happiness. And yes, you will be sacrificing her happiness if you go through with this marriage, as from your story I have gathered that she simply cannot be happy as a jeans and T-Shirt, coupon-ing, budgeting kind of gal, and you have expressed that you cannot be happy going broke or giving up your dreams. She may say and really feel that she loves you and can't live without you and that she will do anything, but she has shown, from your story, time and again, that she just cannot bring herself to be happy to live within your means. (I mean, come on, "cut the wedding down to _only_ 180 people? It takes a good deal of money to host, feed, and entertain that many people, if she said she is willing to do anything, then she probably should have just consulted you for a budget and kept things well within that budget) Consider it a blessing that all of this has happened before you two have gotten married and had children. If you continue on this path and marry her, things will only get worse. Either you will spend yourself broke to try to make her happy so that she will stop making you unhappy (Which will probably even then not satisfy her), or you will stick to your guns about the finance issue, and, in turn, she will do things to make you unhappy. (Such as suggestive but subtle snide comments about the way you two live, sniping, griping, nagging, or maybe even outright anger and rage.) You seem to want a way to break this off that will help ease your guilt on the subject. If you have trouble with telling her face to face that things are just NOT going to work out between the two of you and dealing with the resulting back and forth begging thing, I would suggest writing her a very straight forward and plain letter, telling her that you are going to do a very hard thing, but a thing that is the best for the both of you, and cut things off before you are both bound by the heavy ties of marriage. Arrange it so she can read the letter when you are not around, and when she has plenty of time to process the information before you have a face to face with her. Express very plainly in the letter that this is it, and that if she begs or pleads to continue the relationship, that you will simply tune out or walk away. Tell her you have made your decision and that there is nothing she can do or say to change that, and during your face to face reiterate that statement whenever she gets too whiny or pleading. Mention that the only thing you will discuss with her is how to go on from here as friends without bitterness and anger. And stick with it. Then, when you are done with that, either get a refund for that honeymoon, or find a close friend or relative to go enjoy the relaxation with!  This is my take on the situation, and these are my suggestions in response to your questions and story. I wish the best for you. Good luck!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

If you feel this way now, it will be much worse if you get married.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

i agree with what has been said, things will only be worse once you are married.

plus any debts she takes on will then be yours. buying a house you can barely afford, cause she says its the right choice. having to take a consolidation loan and combine both debts, and then you get stuck paying most of it.


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