# He's been flirting with my friend... how do I address this?



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I know flirting may seem harmless, but I am very insecure about this especially when the A was in October.

The girl is one of my good friends, since high school, before I ever met my husband.

They work together, and the same shift. She doesn't drive, so sometimes he will bring her over here after work so she & I can hang out.

Last night, she came over and spent the night.
We were playing WII, and I started playing a one player game.

My husband went and sat down beside her and started pinching and tickling her. I saw what was going on and I said "Why are you flirting with her?" and he looked dumbfounded for a second and replied "She said I'm like her big brother so I have to give her hell sometimes".

The thing is, he's only known her for about a month. I don't see how he would feel that close to her.
I brought this up to my friend, alone. I told her how I felt and she said she didn't know he was flirting, offered to stop speaking to him etc. She felt awful.

She said she would never do anything with him and she hoped this wouldn't ruin our friendship.

I told her it would be impossible for them not to speak with us being friends, and with them working the same shifts at work.


I know it is probably harmless flirting, but he doesn't do this with any of my other friends: just her.
I also notice that he makes very strong eye contact with her while avoiding it with me. When he speaks to her, it's almost like I am not in the room.

I don't know how I should address this without coming across as accusing him of cheating. I know this is not happening, but I am not comfortable with him flirting with my friend.

Any advice would be appreciated...


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## Strongwoman (Jan 20, 2010)

Sorry you are in this situtation. Go with your gut feeling. I would not include H in activites with her. You were her friend before you were married and I would keep the friendship just you girls. H does not have to see her at work and at home also. Do not invite her to spend the night. It is hard to know what happens at work, but if she respects your feelings and friendship she will keep it very casual at work. It seems that your husband is "crossing the line" Communicate with him that you are not comfortable and keep your eyes open.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Stay super clear from that cAUSE hun it will happen even if they dont tihnk that it will it will it happend to me.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

:iagree: with Strong. 

Reading your post, from a male perspective, this could go down the wrong path quickly. I don't know what to tell you because they work at the same place - that is already a recipe for disaster. It is really up to your H and how deep his values go - you are in a position to where you need to keep your marriage in good condition (we all do but in your situation, any deviation from a solid marriage and you are going to have to be VERY careful), flirting can lead to sending the wrong signal to the other person. He definitely needs to stop the touching and flirting.

Talk to him calmly and politely about it, let him know how you feel. From my experience you can look for some signs of where he is with your friend; after you ask him to stop flirting with her if he gets defensive - red flag! If he tells you he understands your feelings and apologizes and says he will stop - you are more than likely in great shape.

If he starts to crawfish on you and start spewing out how it's just a friend thing, and that men can have friends of the opposite sex, etc - you are probably already in trouble. Sorry, but when they start to go dumb, deaf and blind to your feelings you have issues and the door is open for anything. Hopefully, he will understand and respect your request. Good luck.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Steer clear of accusing him of cheating, especially after the past A. I know you feel you have reason, but it's just not going to help the situation here.

Good move on talking to your friend. She seems to understand and is being respectful of your feelings. Now it's time to make sure that your H will do the same. Do follow the advice above and talk calmly to him, concentrating on your feelings about it, not necessarily his actions.

Ask him to stop doing this - absolutely. Ask him to stop hanging about when your friend is over (he can do something else can't he?). Touching her and tickling her is NOT a good thing. Try and work out some boundaries and help him to understand how this hurts you.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> :iagree: with Strong.
> 
> Reading your post, from a male perspective, this could go down the wrong path quickly. I don't know what to tell you because they work at the same place - that is already a recipe for disaster. It is really up to your H and how deep his values go - you are in a position to where you need to keep your marriage in good condition (we all do but in your situation, any deviation from a solid marriage and you are going to have to be VERY careful), flirting can lead to sending the wrong signal to the other person. He definitely needs to stop the touching and flirting.
> 
> ...


Last night when I casually mentioned something, he said it was just a friend thing. I know when I bring it up, he will get defensive. I didn't know that would be a red flag, but just him more so being an ass.


I really don't know what to do. I'm getting to the point where I am thinking of asking for a divorce.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I just don't know anymore...

If he's setting off all these red flags am I just wasting my time?
Should I just save myself more heartache and leave?

I feel so dead right now.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

No. I don't think the red flag is an end all situation - Unless there is more going on than the info you provided. Yes, he is being an ass for saying that but it could be he just does not get it from your perspective. Maybe trying to explain to him that you are not talking about his feelings right now or what his opinions are right now, and that you need to know if he understands that you are talking about you and how YOU feel and does he care.

Maybe just suggesting to him, in a nice way, that you did not ask him what his opinion was at the moment that you are trying to relay to him how you as an individual and as his wife feels and to not use his opinion of your friend as just being a friend to muddy the waters. You don't need muddy water you want to it to be clear as rain that he understands how YOU your heart feels. If he cares about you and the future of his marriage with you he needs to learn how to value your thoughts - same you with him if the situation were reversed. I don't think that this calls for the drastic "D" word yet though. At least IMO.


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