# Girlfriend on vacation with ex. Need opinions please!!



## imjustlost

My gf of 5 months is on vacation with her ex; on a trip she originally invited me to go on. Before meeting up with him, and flying out, she sends me a chat message that she loves me and wished i was there through Google chat ( we use that instead of texting on our phones) and then she signs off!! She has been signed off for the whole night and morning and now I'm just livid. 

I feel so disrespected, foolish and don't even know where to begin to address this with her. She clearly did not want to be disturbed when meeting up with him, clearly that is the case but is there any hope for a relationship that this occurs in??? 
I feel its not, am I overreacting?
I need advice on how to respond as well, I am livid right now and don't want to overreact.
Please give me your thoughts...Thank you.

EDIT 1:
Going dark, cutting off communication:
_Facebook unfriended
Instagram blocked
Google+ photo album blocked
Number deleted
Hitting the gym
Lawyering up
wait wut_

EDIT 2:
OK, phonecall number 1 incoming...

voicemail transcript


> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


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## Benevolence

Be thankful you only invested 5 months. No matter what she says to you, you will have no way of knowing if its true or not. Cut your losses and move on. 

An ex is just that..... EX.. finished and done with.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

This doesn't look good, but need some more info:

Why DIDN'T you go?
Is trip one that SHE PAID FOR and is non-refundable?
How long was this trip planned?
How long were she and ex together?
Do she and ex have any kids?
How old are you?
How old is she?
Why does SHE say she and ex broke up?


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## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> My gf of 5 months is on vacation with her ex; on a trip she originally invited me to go on. Before meeting up with him, and flying out, she sends me a chat message that she loves me and wished i was there through Google chat ( we use that instead of texting on our phones) and then she signs off!! She has been signed off for the whole night and morning and now I'm just livid.
> 
> I feel so disrespected, foolish and don't even know where to begin to address this with her. *She clearly did not want to be disturbed when meeting up with him, clearly that is the case but is there any hope for a relationship that this occurs in*???
> I feel its not, am I *overreacting*?
> I need advice on how to respond as well, I am livid right now and don't want to overreact.
> Please give me your thoughts...Thank you.



The only relationship here is the gf and the ex. If you think that you are anywhere in the equation you are dead wrong. YOU are now the ex.

How does she invite the ex on a vac and expect to keep up the illusion that she is with you?

You know they are having sex daily, right?

And you think that you and she are still together?

When she gets back keep some dignity and tell her to eff off.

You are under reacting if that's possible.


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## imjustlost

> Why DIDN'T you go?


She said she didn't feel comfortable with me spending the money while going through my divorce (I'm going through a divorce)


> Is trip one that SHE PAID FOR and is non-refundable?


They each paid their share. Originally there was a third party who backed out (conveniently???).


> How long was this trip planned?


four months


> How long were she and ex together?


4 years


> Do she and ex have any kids?


no kids, engaged to be married, she broke it off


> How old are you?


35


> How old is she?


24


> Why does SHE say she and ex broke up?


She was unhappy and they were like roommates rather than partners.


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## imjustlost

Malaise said:


> When she gets back keep some dignity and tell her to eff off.
> 
> You are under reacting if that's possible.


What do I tell her now??? Just that I am so ****ing pissed I can't even talk to you until you get back? Have fun with your ex on vacation???


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## DayDream

I didn't even need to read past the Title of the thread. WTF??


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## TBT

She went on a vacation with her ex when you were supposed to go...blatant disrespect and lack of fidelity...you are in no way overreacting.Imo there's not much more to say except goodbye.


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## 827Aug

"Girlfriend on vacation with ex" is self-explanatory. No need to over think this one.


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## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> What do I tell her now??? Just that I am so ****ing pissed I can't even talk to you until you get back? Have fun with your ex on vacation???


Do you honestly think that you have a relationship with a woman who goes on a trip with another man, ex or not?

You know what they are doing, every day of that trip?

Tell her it's over or be a cuckold.

Look up the term if you don't know it.

There is NO relationship here. Both of them are laughing at you as they screw like rabbits. 

YOU KNOW THIS.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> What do I tell her now??? Just that I am so ****ing pissed I can't even talk to you until you get back?


Tell her NOTHING. Do NOT answer IMs; do NOT answer calls; do NOT answer texts (delete them UNREAD).

There is NOTHING this GIRL can say to you to justify this behavior. Sounds to me like she is way too immature to be marrying anybody (hence, the broken engagement). She should also NOT be dating anybody 'exclusively' as she, apparently, doesn't understand how THAT works, either.

Were you paying for everything in your relationship with her? Lending her money? Paying a few of her bills? Because this sounds pretty much like gold-digger behavior IMHO. Screw you enough to get what she wants, but continue to do what SHE wants the rest of the time.

I would GO DARK on her PERMANENTLY. You are NEVER HOME if she stops by. You NEVER answer her calls. You DELETE all voicemail messages THE SECOND you recognize her voice. You DELETE ALL texts from here UNREAD. You do NOT RESPOND to ANY TEXTS from her.

She made HER intentions clear when she got on a plane with another man (after un-inviting you). She declared any viable relationship with you OVER when she agreed to go away on a vacation with her ex.

I say, you owe her NOTHING. No note, no IM, no discussion, no nothing. C'mon, REALLY? Do you HONESTLY THINK she won't figure this out during her vacay with ex-fiance? If she CAN'T figure it out, then consider yourself well-rid of one dumb bimette.


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## imjustlost

****. OK, so go dark? I feel like I should at least call her out and tell her not to contact me anymore.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't know the answer to that, but I don't think he's an ex. I think he's current. She had no intentions of you going on this trip. I'm unsure why it was planned and why you were invited in the first place.

This woman is toxic. She is cheating on you and your being played for a fool. There are better women out there.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Uh, that would be contacting her!

Look, she shouldn't REALLY need for you to explain that you're p*ssed off about this situation; that it's NOT OKAY with you; that this is NOT how people in relationships act. She's 24, not 4 !!

Let her go, she's a game-player (and you didn't answer my questions about the possibility of her being a gold-digger.)

YOU NEED to get into IC. You're making unfortunate choices to ameliorate the pain of a cheating STBXW. Get into counseling and straighten yourself out so you can have a GOOD relationship with a GOOD WOMAN (not a girl-toy, Barbie-doll who can't act like an adult).

You need to show your children the RIGHT way to live. THAT is your DUTY as a father. Get straightened up for yourself and for THEM.


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## alphaomega

Why? She went dark on you.

Have you READ no more mr. Nice guy?


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## imjustlost

Never paid for anything for her outside of food which we mostly split. All great points everyone, thank you.


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## JCD

imjustlost said:


> ****. OK, so go dark? I feel like I should at least call her out and tell her not to contact me anymore.


She has a number of things at your house, I'm sure. Pack them into a box.

Go to her apartment. Find that old lady who is a gossip. Give HER the box to hold onto for your ex. Tell her this is the rest of her stuff. Leave the sex toys and birth control on the very top of the pile of stuff.

That is, I believe, a sufficient message to her as to your intentions.

What your instinct is saying you want REVENGE...or at least to give her a good telling off! That will give her a rational "Oh, he was SO mean to me. He didn't deserve my young hot body. I mean I did wrong by screwing my ex for X days straight, but there was no cause to say Y..."

Don't give her that. Just a box of stuff without the courtesy of a good bye.

Edited to add: This is NOT a vacation. This was an "I want to break up with you without the drama of an actual confrontation so I'm doing THIS to your ego."

So in some ways, going dark is rewarding her. She gets what she wants. But you are getting rid of a girl who can do this to another person: I don't care how good her butt looks, she's toxic.


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## lovelygirl

imjustlost said:


> She said she didn't feel comfortable with me spending the money while going through my divorce (I'm going through a divorce)


I'm shocked that you even bought this lame excuse. 

You're way older than her and more experienced ...yet she managed to fool you with the lamest and most ridiculous excuse ever. 


Forget about her.


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## imjustlost

lovelygirl said:


> I'm shocked that you even bought this lame excuse.


Yeah, me too. I knew it sounded like bull****, but I thought, surely someone cannot be so brazen!! Surely!! Ahhh, I'm a ****ing fool...


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## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> Yeah, me too. I knew it sounded like bull****, but I thought, surely someone cannot be so brazen!! Surely!! Ahhh, I'm a ****ing fool...


You have to admire the audacity though


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## DayDream

Is she the reason you divorced?


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## imjustlost

DayDream said:


> Is she the reason you divorced?


No. I met her months after I decided to divorce my STBXW for telling another man she loved him.


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## DayDream

imjustlost said:


> No. I met her months after I decided to divorce my wife for telling another man she loved him.


Okay. I was just wondering if you left your wife for her and then she takes off with her "ex". That would have been even worse. 

No girlfriend worth anything would have taken off on a vacation with her ex of 4 years. Sounds like you're getting the idea though.


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## jane1213

go dark. You seem to be going through a lot . You have a pooor judgement. you are in the dark


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## hookares

Girl friends are like socks. If you get holes in socks you throw them away. The same goes for relationships with"girlfriends". (and ex wives, for that matter)


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## imjustlost

DayDream said:


> No girlfriend worth anything would have taken off on a vacation with her ex of 4 years. Sounds like you're getting the idea though.


That is my feeling as well. Either she doesn't get it, which is bad, or she doesn't care, which is worse.


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## DayDream

imjustlost said:


> That is my feeling as well. Either she doesn't get it, which is bad, or she doesn't care, which is worse.


You'd have to be pretty stupid not to get that though...:scratchhead:


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## imjustlost

Facebook unfriended
Instagram blocked
Google+ photo album blocked
Number deleted
Hitting the gym
Lawyering up
wait wut


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## chillymorn

well,I'll bet she dosn't feel like roommates now!

move on and chalk it up to.....glad I didn't waste too much time with this bi*ch. and be glad you found out about her poor charachter earlier rather than later.


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## galian84

Woah, I would have raised hell if my boyfriend came to me with this proposition. And if he insisted on going despite my protests, well, then the relationship is over.

Just be glad you only invested 5 months in her. Have to agree with everyone saying to go dark. She obviously doesn't care very much about you, or the relationship...she went on a vacation and un-invited you! Going on vacation with someone of the opposite sex, unless they are family, is NEVER okay, IMO.


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## costa200

imjustlost said:


> Facebook unfriended
> Instagram blocked
> Google+ photo album blocked
> Number deleted
> Hitting the gym
> Lawyering up
> wait wut


I thinks that's the way, but why didn't you raise hell BEFORE she went with this guy? Where you afraid of being called "controlling" or something? This is something you should look at when searching for a new relationship. I think you failed to defend your turf somewhat, although it is my belief that the turf wasn't worth being defended in the first place.



> She said she didn't feel comfortable with me spending the money while going through my divorce (I'm going through a divorce)


Gotta give her points for originality!


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## Cosmos

I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like she and the ex have gone away together to see if it's worth them getting back together again.

This:-



> Before meeting up with him, and flying out, she sends me a chat message that she loves me and wished i was there


could have been to ensure that she has a plan B, should they decide it isn't. That is, she wants to keep you bubbling away on the back burner, 'just in case.'

You don't need a woman in your life who treats you like this.


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## imjustlost

costa200 said:


> I thinks that's the way, but why didn't you raise hell BEFORE she went with this guy? Where you afraid of being called "controlling" or something?


I did tell her I was uncomfortable with her going with him. I left it at that, as I felt I didn't have to explain why. I wasn't afraid to be considered controlling.


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## imjustlost

Just don't feel comfortable with going dark though, can't help but feel passive aggressive doing it. I feel like I should at least say, I can't be treated this way, and I'm done.


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## DayDream

Then you can go dark after?


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## costa200

imjustlost said:


> I did tell her I was uncomfortable with her going with him. I left it at that, as I felt I didn't have to explain why. I wasn't afraid to be considered controlling.


Alright then... This is completely on her then. She chose to ignore your concerns. That message she sent you is insulting. She expects to keep you as a backup plan!



> Just don't feel comfortable with going dark though, can't help but feel passive aggressive doing it. I feel like I should at least say, I can't be treated this way, and I'm done.


If you feel you have to do it. But be prepared for a womanly show of repent and "i didn't know you felt so strongly about it" and "don't you trust me" and the whole regular crap cheaters use when someone tells them they aren't having more cake. Can you handle that?


Plus, going dark and cut ties and act like you don't give a sh!t anymore couldn't be more positive for you. It's not passive agressive, it's dominant head of the pack stuff. 

Feeling the need to explain yourself to her is the opposite.


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## ScarletBegonias

It's good to see you understand that you're PlanB for her.Personally I feel going dark is passive aggressive but others have tried it and it has worked so it might help for you.
Good luck.


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## JCD

imjustlost said:


> I did tell her I was uncomfortable with her going with him. I left it at that, as I felt I didn't have to explain why. I wasn't afraid to be considered controlling.


Did you put it into a haiku? Maybe with a card and a pop up heart when you open it?

UNCOMFORTABLE? Dude...it's OKAY to be angry for crap that is enraging.

This was a HUGE Sh*t Test and you blew it (or she really didn't care. My vote)


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## JCD

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's good to see you understand that you're PlanB for her.Personally I feel going dark is passive aggressive but others have tried it and it has worked so it might help for you.
> Good luck.


Help with what? He isn't trying to get back with her (or at least he SHOULDN'T)

Christ had it right: If the girl doesn't accept you, shake the dust of that place off your feet and walk.

If you need closure and a nice little FU to her and haven't defriended her yet, try this

Her Wall:

Dear Slvtina,

I hope you are enjoying your vacation in Cabo with your supposedly ex lover. Your stuff is with Mrs. Mulligan.

Your REAL ex lover.

Now she gets to do damage control and she got the message.


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## In_The_Wind

imjustlost said:


> Facebook unfriended
> Instagram blocked
> Google+ photo album blocked
> Number deleted
> Hitting the gym
> Lawyering up
> wait wut


I think I would also take some time out from dating or relationships like a year or so and work through your ex wife issues that way you dont bring a lot of baggage to your next relationship focus on yr self for now


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## Cosmos

If you're uncomfortable going dark on her, just keep a low profile until she returns. Respond to her, but don't initiate communication with her. It really isn't in your interests for your GF to think that you're missing her and patiently waiting for her at home.

When she does return, though, you really do need to let her know how you feel and get some boundaries in place.


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## ScarletBegonias

JCD said:


> Help with what?


help him move on without the temptation to reply to emails,texts,vm from her.

if he's going dark,then he's deleting them the minute he gets it,there's no temptation to give her another chance.


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## CandieGirl

If you stay with her, you've just set yourself up for a lifetime of her vacationing with other men. When my husband and me were just dating, he had a vacation planned to visit his kids...he was staying with them at their mother's. I said nothing because we were only dating, but when he got back I told him that if we were to continue together to something more serious, that this could never happen again.


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## LastUnicorn

My opinion is you are less than a year out of your own 7 year marriage. Far too soon to be investing this kind of emotional currency in a new relationship. Call it what it is. Dating with benefits. If you have chosen to view it as an exclusive relationship, here is your sign. Its not for her.


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## JCD

ScarletBegonias said:


> help him move on without the temptation to reply to emails,texts,vm from her.
> 
> if he's going dark,then he's deleting them the minute he gets it,there's no temptation to give her another chance.


Ah, excuse me. I thought you were implying that it might help in his R'ing with the girl who is too immature and young for him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Facebook unfriended
> Instagram blocked
> Google+ photo album blocked
> Number deleted
> Hitting the gym
> Lawyering up
> wait wut


Now *THAT* is what we're talking about!

BTW: I'd just like to point out that Costa200 and I *NEVER* agree on advice, but we do on this point. So I'd recommend you go read Costa's comments again.

I don't believe it's passive-aggressive to ignore her. She kicked you in the teeth (and tried to snatch your b*lls, too). Don't "TELL" her you won't be treated like this, SHOW HER!


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## imjustlost

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Don't "TELL" her you won't be treated like this, SHOW HER!


Great point!


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## DayDream

Yeah...I agree with others here. Don't buy that, "Oh, I didn't know..." crap because that's just what it is...crap. And she's going to pull that, "I'm just young and naive" crap too because of your age difference. I've seen this very thing before. A lot of guys I work with have a lot LOT younger women than them and the woman always pulls that, "I'm just young and need to be told or else I don't know...." stuff.


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## tom67

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Now *THAT* is what we're talking about!
> 
> BTW: I'd just like to point out that Costa200 and I *NEVER* agree on advice, but we do on this point. So I'd recommend you go read Costa's comments again.
> 
> I don't believe it's passive-aggressive to ignore her. She kicked you in the teeth (and tried to snatch your b*lls, too). Don't "TELL" her you won't be treated like this, SHOW HER!


Yes just show her you are moving on by not giving her the time of day she will most likely go crazy by trying to contact you.:lol:


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## Jack29

I only read the first 20 answers or so!

I had a girlfriend like that some three months back and i dumped her for the same reason. She didnt went on vacation with her ex though, she went out in the morning with him and i didnt see her until very late at night and she bodldy admited that she got drunk with him but nothing happended!

I dumped her and i felt like i did the right thing.

Just want to tell the guy who started the thread at times is difficult to stick to this kind of decision since you might feel lonely fresh after breakup and your gf is probably wanting to get back together (mine did do that). But remember that if you get back againg the whole damn thing is going to come back again so you're in for even more pain.

You can even tell her something bitter like "i dumped you because you were so stupid going on vacation with your ex when with me and i hope you feel like hell now because she does deserve it!"


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## Pault

Oh Boy if ever there was a posting that met the TAM requirement of "Light Blue Touch Paper and Stand Well Back" this is the one.....

Time saver - no replies to her, no communication with her
Arrnage a night with some of the guys go out have as drink, have a laugh and forget all about her.
Apart from kicking you right between the legs with a pair of steel toecapped boots on she has put you right in the "screw him" corner.
Just save yourself some man pride. Take the initative and dont even bother to communicate with her from here on in. If this is what she does after 5 months what amazingly crappy things could she do if you give her more time and the incentive to do it. Sorry but really - If the case was trip paid for and your not in the frame wen this happened then ok but to go with her ex who picked up a massively convenient cancellation then its really taking the p*$$.


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## imjustlost

tom67 said:


> she will most likely go crazy by trying to contact you.:lol:


She will. I know she will. 

She already broke up with me once because she wasn't "comfortable with my situation" and I didn't fight it or argue; I simply said, "OK", and moved on - Before that point I had already taken steps back due to her flakiness. The next day she blows up my phone with texts, all day saying she is going crazy and can't imagine me not in her life saying she made a mistake. I make her wait a day while I wonder if it is even worth it; I tell her I need to think about things, and ultimately tell her we can try again after another day. So after that, I understood it wouldn't last and that I should not get too attached.


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## seeking sanity

Two quick thoughts:

1. You're feelings of betrayal may partly a hang over from your marriage. 

2. Don't date women in their early 20's. She is too young and of course she's being immature. What do you expect?


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## IrishGirlVA

She went on vacation with an ex-squeeze? Exsqeeze me???? 

I wouldn't even spend an hour with an ex at a resturant if I was involved in a relationship....... unless of course I didn't give a crap about my boyfriend and I was a selfish, immature, uncaring b**ch!


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## tom67

IrishGirlVA said:


> She went on vacation with an ex-squeeze? Exsqeeze me????
> 
> I wouldn't even spend an hour with an ex at a resturant if I was involved in a relationship....... unless of course I didn't give a crap about my boyfriend and I was a selfish, immature, uncaring b**ch!


:iagree:


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## Cosmos

This would be an absolute dealbreaker to me. 

I dumped my present partner at the 3 month mark because he was constantly texting an ex in front of me. We ended up getting back together some time later, but not until he understood that there had to be boundaries if we were to have a relationship together.

This isn't being controlling. It's letting others know that we have healthy boundaries which we will not allow others to disrespect.


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## diwali123

Unbelievable! I dont know what some people are thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imjustlost

OK, phonecall number 1 incoming...

EDIT: voicemail transcript


> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


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## diwali123

Tell her she should roll over in bed and look at who she's with a d that will explain it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


She wasn't deleted. She left.

And there is nothing to talk about.

But if you DO want to give her one last missive, tell her exactly what Diwali said. CLASSIC dude!


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## gdtm0111

about 15 years ago I had a GF tell me she was spending the night with her ex BF at a hotel cause she was too drunk to drive. he was from Buffalo, and we both lived in Syracuse NY at the time.

I'm sorry but who in their right mind would believe that nothing happened, or in OP's case, is happening.

as said, be greatful you have only invested 5 months.


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## imjustlost

JCD said:


> But if you DO want to give her one last missive, tell her exactly what Diwali said. CLASSIC dude!


Don't tempt me!!! I'm in a weakened state and am not thinking clearly!! ;P


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## COguy

The only question I have is, why are you lawyering up if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend?


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## imjustlost

COguy said:


> The only question I have is, why are you lawyering up if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend?


It was a joke. Not really lawyering up.


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## Pault

Arr the sweet smell of reality mixed with some "lacking maturity" = 

"I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation."


I suspect the best reply is save your text and cell call allocation for someone who cares.

"Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation" = Does not have the maturity to see that what she has done is not the actons of a loyal person who is anywhere near ready for a grown up relationship. 

Well done fella, seems the actions are working. Now turn anger in to positive life aspects and start to enjoy yourself with people who really care about you.


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## The Middleman

Dude! I don't understand why you didn't tell her: *"I don't want you to go on this vacation **alone with him"* or *"If you go this vacation alone with him, I won't be here when you get back".* I'm sorry pal but I just don't understand how a guy lets his live in GF go an a vacation with a guy that she slept with for 4 years. What were you thinking?

You also said you are divorcing your ex-wife because she told another man she loved him. Don't you see a pattern here? Before you look at your ex-wife or your soon to be ex-GF, take a long hard look at yourself. What are you doing to encourage this kind of behavior. You should get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


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## DayDream

The Middleman said:


> Dude! I don't understand why you didn't tell her: *"I don't want you to go on this vacation **alone with him"* or *"If you go this vacation alone with him, I won't be here when you get back".* I'm sorry pal but I just don't understand how a guy lets his live in GF go an a vacation with a guy that she slept with for 4 years. What were you thinking?
> 
> You also said you are divorcing your ex-wife because she told another man she loved him. Don't you see a pattern here? Before you look at your ex-wife or your soon to be ex-GF, take a long hard look at yourself. What are you doing to encourage this kind of behavior. You should get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


:iagree: Really...be more alpha from here on out.


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## Cosmos

> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


I think my response to that might be:-

"I was rather under the impression that you did that yourself when you decided to go on holiday with your ex."


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


Ha, ha, ha! :rofl: *THAT* is so funny!

Apparently, she thinks your b*lls are still hidden in her beachbag from when she left on vacation! She'll be SHOCKED to find she's short one set of b*lls!!!!


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## JCD

If you want a $20 passive aggressive message which will save you the temptation of getting back with her tight tight ass, have her number blocked. The only downside I see is you won't be able to see the melt down that entails.

And stop being a wimp to your women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Ha, ha, ha! :rofl: *THAT* is so funny!
> 
> Apparently, she thinks your b*lls are still hidden in her beachbag from when she left on vacation! She'll be SHOCKED to find she's short one set of b*lls!!!!


:rofl::lol:


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## JCD

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Ha, ha, ha! :rofl: *THAT* is so funny!
> 
> Apparently, she thinks your b*lls are still hidden in her beachbag from when she left on vacation! She'll be SHOCKED to find she's short one set of b*lls!!!!


She hadn't missed them because she had a spare set on (or was that 'in') hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imjustlost

The Middleman said:


> Dude! I don't understand why you didn't tell her: *"I don't want you to go on this vacation **alone with him"* or *"If you go this vacation alone with him, I won't be here when you get back".* I'm sorry pal but I just don't understand how a guy lets his live in GF go an a vacation with a guy that she slept with for 4 years. What were you thinking?
> 
> You also said you are divorcing your ex-wife because she told another man she loved him. Don't you see a pattern here? Before you look at your ex-wife or your soon to be ex-GF, take a long hard look at yourself. What are you doing to encourage this kind of behavior. You should get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


She has her own place, does not live with me. Have read the book during my divorce. You are right though, I should have said something more beforehand.


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## A Bit Much

imjustlost said:


> She will. I know she will.
> 
> She already broke up with me once because she wasn't "comfortable with my situation" and I didn't fight it or argue; I simply said, "OK", and moved on - Before that point I had already taken steps back due to her flakiness. The next day she blows up my phone with texts, all day saying she is going crazy and can't imagine me not in her life saying she made a mistake. I make her wait a day while I wonder if it is even worth it; I tell her I need to think about things, and ultimately tell her we can try again after another day. So after that, I understood it wouldn't last and that I should not get too attached.


You may not like or agree with what she is doing, but hate to point out the obvious... technically you're still someone else's husband and she's not married.


----------



## MrsOldNews

imjustlost said:


> ****. OK, so go dark? I feel like I should at least call her out and tell her not to contact me anymore.


Also try dating women your own age. In most cases with age comes maturity.


----------



## JCD

MrsOldNews said:


> Also try dating women your own age. In most cases with age comes maturity.


A full +1 on the maturity thing.

There are two small problems.

A girl that young couples a smoking hot body with sexual idiocy, something hard for a guy to resist. (He is currently seeing the downsides...)

A woman his age either has or desperately WANTS kids (generally speaking). This is EASY TO RESIST.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

imjustlost said:


> She has her own place, does not live with me. Have read the book during my divorce. You are right though, I should have said something more beforehand.


Didn't realize that you weren't living together; one of your subsequent posts lead me to believe that. Anyway, the rest is still holds true: You should have made it plain as day how you felt and then she makes the choice. If she went , you lost. Five months isn't a lot of time invested. Chalk it up to lessons learned and hopefully you had some good sex while it lasted.


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## WorkingOnMe

I personally think it's kind of wimpy to totally ignore her. There's no reason to leave her guessing. Just call her up and tell her that her going on vacation, staying in a hotel with another man is a dealbreaker and you just can't stay with her. That the fact that it's a man that she slept with for four years is just icing on the cake. But basically you just have to call it quits, that you don't feel respected because she's sleeping with another man. Leave it at that. It's a breakup phone call. Adults don't break up by text, or email or whatever. And they don't just hide and hope the other gets the hint and goes away.


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## Cosmos

WorkingOnMe said:


> I personally think it's kind of wimpy to totally ignore her. There's no reason to leave her guessing. Just call her up and tell her that her going on vacation, staying in a hotel with another man is a dealbreaker and you just can't stay with her. That the fact that it's a man that she slept with for four years is just icing on the cake. But basically you just have to call it quits, that you don't feel respected because she's sleeping with another man. Leave it at that. It's a breakup phone call. Adults don't break up by text, or email or whatever. And they don't just hide and hope the other gets the hint and goes away.


:iagree:

This is actually the most mature way of dealing with the situation, IMO.


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## DayDream

JCD said:


> A full +1 on the maturity thing.
> 
> There are two small problems.
> 
> A girl that young couples a smoking hot body with sexual idiocy, something hard for a guy to resist. (He is currently seeing the downsides...)
> 
> A woman his age either has or desperately WANTS kids (generally speaking). This is EASY TO RESIST.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because a woman of 30 cannot possibly have a smoking hot body... :scratchhead:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> There's no reason to leave her guessing.


Can't believe any 24yo would be left guessing!?!

She might want to 'play dumb', but that doesn't mean she IS dumb. As someone (Daydream, maybe?) pointed out, she might TRY to play the 'oh, I didn't know...I'm just too young! But NOW that you pointed it out, I'll do better' game. But, that's ALL it is, a GAME. WHY PLAY? WHy get sucked in? OP has trouble setting boundaries, why put him on a slippery slope?

Cut her off at the knees! Why is HE obligated to WISE HER UP? He's not her daddy, not her teacher, not her husband. Let her figure it out in her OWN time if she TRULY doesn't get it. [As a woman, I find *THAT* incredibly hard to believe!]


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## JCD

DayDream said:


> Because a woman of 30 cannot possibly have a smoking hot body... :scratchhead:


Sure they can. But he's 35. At 24, a girl can eat like a man and still have it high and tight. At 30, it's work. At 35, it's a fight. At 40, it's a holding action...

Are you in the same shape you were at 24? I know I'm not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

The problem is, he let her leave thinking that while he didn't like it, it wasn't a deal breaker. But in reality, it was a deal breaker. So he let her leave thinking one thing, and then broke up with her without even telling her that they were over. That's a douche bag move. If it's truly a deal breaker, he should have told her before she left. But since he didn't, he needs to tell her now.


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## JCD

WorkingOnMe said:


> The problem is, he let her leave thinking that while he didn't like it, it wasn't a deal breaker. But in reality, it was a deal breaker. So he let her leave thinking one thing, and then broke up with her without even telling her that they were over. That's a douche bag move. If it's truly a deal breaker, he should have told her before she left. But since he didn't, he needs to tell her now.


Adequately reasoned. My one caveat is that any one with a smidgen of empathy or common sense who did what she did would know THEIR actions was a douche move as well. I honestly believe she ran off with studly to break up with the old guy. It was her plan.

So yes, to totally clear HIS CONSCIENCE, he should call her at 9 p.m wherever she is and say "being on vacation with another man is a deal breaker. It's over. Don't call me." (That is so hopefully her night of sex is ruined)

Post where stuff is on her Facebook wall though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

> She already broke up with me once because she wasn't "comfortable with my situation"


Seems to me this is when the investment in the relationship halted to a crawl for her. I'm sure the ex helped her a bit with seeing the 'situation' a little clearer and probably told her it was too much drama to get into long term.

Either way, she's gone... no sense being all pissy and shocked about it now. If you go back a few months you had to see something like this was coming. Tie up your loose ends first. You are having zero luck with the multitasking.


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## Kimberley17

I also think it is unfair to just avoid her completely. Adults don't handle things this way. Call her, tell her it's over and why then ignore her if you must. JMO.


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## costa200

WorkingOnMe said:


> The problem is, he let her leave thinking that while he didn't like it, it wasn't a deal breaker. But in reality, it was a deal breaker. So he let her leave thinking one thing, and then broke up with her without even telling her that they were over. That's a douche bag move. If it's truly a deal breaker, he should have told her before she left. But since he didn't, he needs to tell her now.


On the other hand, if she needs to be told that vacations with an ex-lover are not ok, then it kinda defeats the purpose. Her actions betray her level of maturity (or she just doesn't give a damn). Personally although i would have surely tell her what is what before the event, i would also feel no need to have to explain myself to her like i actually still give a damn about her.

No contact not due to fear and hiding, but because, quite honestly, i would like to position myself above it. I dislike b!tch induced drama.

I don't see how the OP owes an explanation to this woman. In fact, i'm pretty sure she knows this was a possibility. Truly, i think this was all a calculated risk on her behalf. 

1- Planning trip with OP and a group of people;
2- Telling the OP some BS excuse about his finances to kick him out politely;
3- Third person suddenly drops out (probably wise person not wanting to hold candles);
4- OP expresses discomfort about this duo vacancy;
5- She doesn't give a damn and goes with her 4 year long ex -lover she left because she was bored.

I refuse to accept someone is this dumb at 24. No, this was a calculated play. And this basically proves it:



> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.


Look at it. No expression of confusion. No request for explanation. No expectable bafflement. No... "i'm sure we'll talk about this"!

Meaning, don't close the door yet, i don't know if i want to return to you or not at this moment. In fact the whole sentence, if you go at it linguistically reeks of calculated and measured. NO EMOTION.

Now tell me. You partner just deleted you from all contacts. Do you use this type of expressions? Not if you have feelings you don't. Nah, in my book this is one toxic calculating cheating woman.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Exactly, Costa!

Where's the "Hey, imjustlost, WTF?!? What's going on????"

No, it's a much more dispassionate AND c0ck-sure (no double-entendre intended) demand on her part..."we'll talk about this". WHY? Because SHE says so? Because she's so sure her smokin'-hot azz is ALL THAT & A BLADE OF GRASS that you WILL come to heel when she explains it all to you!?!

This reeks of being TOO DAMNED SURE OF HERSELF; so SURE you're desperate for HER azz that you'll take any cr*p she gives you because you want her little 24yo azz.

This beyotch has got nerve PLUS!


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## JCD

WorkingOnMe said:


> The problem is, he let her leave thinking that while he didn't like it, it wasn't a deal breaker. But in reality, it was a deal breaker. So he let her leave thinking one thing, and then broke up with her without even telling her that they were over. That's a douche bag move. If it's truly a deal breaker, he should have told her before she left. But since he didn't, he needs to tell her now.


The more I think about this, the less rational I think it is.

Imagine this conversation:

Wife: "Honey, I am going to go over to have an overnight business trip with Brad. And due to cost cutting...well, we'll need to share a room. Back in two weeks. Oh...where were those TGI Friday drink coupons we had?"

Two weeks later

Wife: "Why is my stuff on the lawn? You never TOLD me I couldn't share a room with another man for two weeks..."

Somehow even if she is that stupid, he's better off without her. Maybe someone in her Special Ed class can explain it to her slowly.


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## WorkingOnMe

I still don't get why he can't just tell her that they're broken up. You don't think that saying to yourself "self, I'm now single" but not actually informing her is weird? It's easy to make decisions like breaking up and being single if you don't have to inform anyone. 

Can I break up with my wife (in my head) and then start dating other women without telling her that I've broken up with her?


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## A Bit Much

> Can I break up with my wife (in my head) and then start dating other women without telling her that I've broken up with her?


Sure! That's what having an affair is. LOL


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## lovelygirl

Yeah, I can't believe someone is so STUPID just like she is!!
I mean...does she really need to be told that going on vacation with her ex is wrong??? Is she 3 years old???

If she felt the need to go with him and hear it from you that it was wrong than you shouldn't have been with her in the first place and should have dumped her RIGHT AWAY, at that very second!!


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## MrK

Are they staying in the same room?


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## imjustlost

Without a doubt sharing a room. Sharing a bed? No idea.


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## johnnycomelately

imjustlost said:


> Without a doubt sharing a room. Sharing a bed? No idea.


You should delete this girl from your mind as well as FB. Chalk this one up to experience.


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## Wazza

My only hesitation is that none of us were party to the conversations you had before she left. Did she do this because you were actually reassuring "Go ahead, I trust you.." etc. And it's only now that you realise the issue?

When my wife goes away I miss her and my mind dwells on worries and insecurities. Is the same happening to you?

That said, going away with an ex is definitely worrying and not something I would agree to my wife doing. I do let her go away with her best girlfriend which is a decades old relationship, even though said friend is just a little toxic. But to be honest, if she's going to do the wrong thing under influence of friend then she's going to do it, and it will happen anyway.

I would at least talk about it with her. But then I would have thought she would be burning up the phone.

Sory, but I do think all the cutting off contact without actually saying "My issue is...." is a bit weak.


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## Shaggy

She knows why you dumped her. She's on vacation with him, and she made clear her choice if him over you when she went on it.

Her trying to communicate is her trying to cake eat and not be honest.

She doesn't deserve any replies from you, and frankly any you give just says that you are considering believing that she's not on vacation with a bf and she's not having sex with him.

She chose and now your choosing not to accept being plan B if her reconciliation trip doesn't work out.


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## Cosmos

More than anything, OP, you don't need these sort of complications right now (finalization of divorce proceedings). Perhaps this is one of the reasons why it has only just hit you as inappropriate, rather than when she actually told you that she was going to do it...

I can't imagine being involved with someone who thinks that it's OK to go on holiday with an ex. It would make me wonder what other things they might think are 'OK' as and when it suits them.


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## NewM

Wait she planned this trip with her ex and someone else for 4 months and you didn't tell her in those 4 months that you will be done with her if she goes there?

Did you want to go to this trip?Did you not go just because she said it or you are really in money problem(or just didn't want to go to that trip even if you had money).

I have to say even if you had money and wanted to go you shouldn't really be going to that trip with her ex.


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## JCD

Exactlly when was the final plan changed? How much warning were you given about the ex?


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## Jack29

> @ mr steal my girl: A true alpha throws the broad by the wayside and never looks back....just dirt off your shoulders. Don't call don't write don't do anything just move on to the next one. You know what a pimp does when a chick wants to leave his stable? He doesn't cry, he doesn't b!tch and moan. He lets her go and recruits another broad. He wastes no time on a disrespectful female.
> 
> I have a feeling you're going to blow it and take her back. I hope you prove me wrong but since you went to a web forum to discuss it makes me think you're weak in the knees.


Ok, what you say is playing it by the book and also the best way to end this thing but in real life theres complications! I found myself in the same situation and i had to put up with this kind of thing for 2 months (she admited to me that she talked to her ex but only on a friendly basis and also he didnt live in the same city at first). Why did i put up with it? I was lonely so id rather put up with this kind of thing and get laid and fight loneliness of by sleeping with a girl, so can you blame me for not taking a hard line right away?

Then 2 months down the road ex is back in town she gets together with him for a 12 hour session and i quit her after that but not right away and we were still talking to each other, mainly it was her saying things like she missed me and shed never do anything with her ex and i replying that i did miss her too but i had to stick by my decision, and both of us admiting that we had some really nice times together despite of what happened and we did!. Now i wish i had said her something bitter like you're a dumb beoch you deserve it but its not that easy!

Also the way I see it, i got the last laugh, after i got laid every night as long as i was with her i finally got my cut off balls back and moved on!

And if she gets back together with ex, they're going to make a lousy couple because the other guy will feel like: ok she screwed some other guy and she didnt care too much about my feelings and she might do it again to me if we have a fight or anything shes very easy with boys!


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## imjustlost

Found out about the ex one week before the vacay and that's only because I asked who was going instead of me. Final plan with her girl friend cancelling was just yesterday.

She offered to pay half my plane ticket but I was really indifferent about going. She offered to take me on another business trip previously and pay half my ticket but it was only for a few days and not worth it IMHO. She ended up going alone.


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## Cosmos

imjustlost said:


> _Found out about the ex one week before the vacay and that's only because I asked who was going instead of me._ Final plan with her girl friend cancelling was just yesterday.
> 
> She offered to pay half my plane ticket but I was really indifferent about going. She offered to take me on another business trip previously and pay half my ticket but it was only for a few days and not worth it IMHO. She ended up going alone.


A very convenient thing for her to not tell you... Along with the fact that she'd obviously been maintaining contact with the ex whilst in a relationship with you? 

When her friend pulled out, yesterday, she had to know that her going alone with the ex would destroy her relationship with you. No one in their right senses would be OK with that sort of thing.


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## JCD

Cosmos said:


> A very convenient thing for her to not tell you... Along with the fact that she'd obviously been maintaining contact with the ex whilst in a relationship with you?
> 
> When her friend pulled out, yesterday, she had to know that her going alone with the ex would destroy her relationship with you. No one in their right senses would be OK with that sort of thing.


Yes. Or why hide it? He didn't have much of a chance to blow up, considering the timing.

This was totally planned.


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## LastUnicorn

imjustlost said:


> Found out about the ex one week before the vacay and that's only because I asked who was going instead of me. Final plan with her girl friend cancelling was just yesterday.
> 
> She offered to pay half my plane ticket but I was really indifferent about going. She offered to take me on another business trip previously and pay half my ticket but it was only for a few days and not worth it IMHO. She ended up going alone.


So on multiple trips she was paying for her ticket and offering to pay half of yours, sounds like she was paying for accommodations as well. And you couldn't be bothered to go. 

Well sounds like this last trip her decision to tell you she was inviting the x was probably an effort to rouse some sort of life from you, and you didn't complain much at all about it, then decided after the fact to passively aggressively break up with her while she was out of town. Not by telling her, but just deleting her off Facebook. I'm betting the x didn't go or has an idea at all where she is, lol.

She's probably on vacation alone thinking 'wtf, guys are stupid!' All conjecture of course, but ya never know.


----------



## MrK

imjustlost said:


> Without a doubt sharing a room. Sharing a bed? No idea.


That answer fascinates me. It's why I asked the question. So you don't even KNOW if they are in the same room? You didn't talk about it? Didn't even ASK her?

OFF ON A TANGENT ALERT: My issue is nightclubbing wives. During my wife's relatively short party spree 7 years into our marriage, she never told me where she went. Never told me about the men she met. The men she partied with. And I never even asked. She was out at 2AM god knows where doing god knows what with god knows who and I let it happen.

Men: if you are uncomfortable with what your wife/gf is doing or are about to do, SAY SOMETHING. My wife had little respect for me to behave the way she did that long ago summer. When I LET HER DO IT, what little respect she may have still had for me went away forever.


----------



## MrK

imjustlost said:


> Found out about the ex one week before the vacay and that's only because I asked who was going instead of me.


DAMN dude! It's after posts like this I start thinking TROLL! I believe you man, but...DAMN!


----------



## Pault

Have to say guys, Im sittng here reading these reply posts and just imagining all the males are jumping up and down swearing and shouting at the screen at imjustlost, whilst the females are sitting with their the head on hands shaking their heads thinking what the heck do you have to do to get the very basic message across without a tazor gun being used.

Mr K has shown what can and does happen when you dont get in there occasionally and ask the questions about the other parties activities - Well done for saying it mate. More people need to take that approach.


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## imjustlost

LastUnicorn said:


> So on multiple trips she was paying for her ticket and offering to pay half of yours, sounds like she was paying for accommodations as well. And you couldn't be bothered to go.


Those were business trips that lasted a few days, in like Texas. We're not talking about Bahamanian weekenders here.


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## warlock07

Ok, she went offline is your issue ? I don't understand how it was more offensive than her going on a trip with her ex..It could be that they have no data connection there or it could be some other innocuous reason. Was she unreachable on the phone ? Did she promise to keep contact on gchat ?


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## costa200

LastUnicorn said:


> So on multiple trips she was paying for her ticket and offering to pay half of yours, sounds like she was paying for accommodations as well. And you couldn't be bothered to go.
> 
> Well sounds like this last trip her decision to tell you she was inviting the x was probably an effort to rouse some sort of life from you, and you didn't complain much at all about it, then decided after the fact to passively aggressively break up with her while she was out of town. Not by telling her, but just deleting her off Facebook. I'm betting the x didn't go or has an idea at all where she is, lol.
> 
> She's probably on vacation alone thinking 'wtf, guys are stupid!' All conjecture of course, but ya never know.


On the other hand, women who pull those stunts deserve to be dumped. I don't know about the rest of you, but i'm no circus animal to be jumping through the hoops some woman throws at me. Don't dance if you can't face the music.


----------



## imjustlost

I knew she still talked with her ex, because they have always been close friends, before and after their relationship. As much as that makes me uncomfortable, that's the way it was when we began dating. I told her that the friendship made me uncomfortable but naturally, she reassured me and I felt that I had no reason to doubt that. Knowing what I know about their failed relationship, the only thing I would have to be jealous over is their close friendship. She is not an experienced woman, the ex in question was her first real relationship and it started and ended as a friendship.

Now, the trip; I trusted her up until she signed off chat before meeting him - I still don't understand that. My trust disappeared at that point and I committed a victim puke by deleting everything and cutting off communication. In hindsight, I should not have done that. Instead, I should have told her my boundaries beforehand and that it would be a deal breaker. My boundaries were not clear and I victim puked all over the relationship.


----------



## imjustlost

warlock07 said:


> Ok, she went offline is your issue ? I don't understand how it was more offensive than her going on a trip with her ex..It could be that they have no data connection there or it could be some other innocuous reason. Was she unreachable on the phone ? Did she promise to keep contact on gchat ?


My issue was that she allowed herself to be in a situation that resulted in her being alone with her ex on vacation. And yes, chat was our means of communication. Signing out is not an accident, you have to manually sign out. She sent me that last message, and before I could walk in from the other room to check it she was already signed out. So, she conveniently hit a dead spot after her closing "I love you, wish you were here"? - Nope.


----------



## Cosmos

imjustlost said:


> I knew she still talked with her ex, because they have always been close friends, before and after their relationship. As much as that makes me uncomfortable, that's the way it was when we began dating. I told her that the friendship made me uncomfortable but naturally, she reassured me and I felt that I had no reason to doubt that. Knowing what I know about their failed relationship, the only thing I would have to be jealous over is their close friendship. She is not an experienced woman, the ex in question was her first real relationship and it started and ended as a friendship.


When you started dating initially, her still being in contact with her ex might have been acceptable. But once the relationship progressed between you, IMO, the contact should have stopped.


----------



## costa200

> My trust disappeared at that point and I committed a victim puke by deleting everything and cutting off communication. In hindsight, I should not have done that. Instead, I should have told her my boundaries beforehand and that it would be a deal breaker. My boundaries were not clear and I victim puked all over the relationship.


It's not your boundaries. It's hers. If you have to tell her that being in a vacancy (in the same room?! WOW) with another guy, an ex, is not ok, then what else do you have to tell her? Are you going to spend the rest of your life telling her she shouldn't do this or that for fear she doesn't know at 24 what every sensible human does? What are you? Her father?

If you puked all over it it doesn't make a little bit of difference because she had already gone to the toilet on it.


----------



## warlock07

imjustlost said:


> My issue was that she allowed herself to be in a situation that resulted in her being alone with her ex on vacation. And yes, chat was our means of communication. Signing out is not an accident, you have to manually sign out. She sent me that last message, and before I could walk in from the other room to check it she was already signed out. So, she conveniently hit a dead spot after her closing "I love you, wish you were here"? - Nope.


Well, she could still cheat while still online. Where was she when she went offline ?


----------



## Shaggy

Stop over thinking it all.

If she valued you, valued your relationship she would not have gone on vacation with her Ex.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how you don't invite and ex to go on vacation with you when you are in another relationship.

She chose to go with him.

the game about signing off etc, isn't the point here.

You're response of cutting her out and going dark isn't relationship puke, it's you strongly saying:

You had right up to the last minute to change course and not do it. You still did it, and now you're gone from my life.


----------



## imjustlost

costa200 said:


> It's not your boundaries. It's hers. If you have to tell her that being in a vacancy (in the same room?! WOW) with another guy, an ex, is not ok, then what else do you have to tell her? Are you going to spend the rest of your life telling her she shouldn't do this or that for fear she doesn't know at 24 what every sensible human does? What are you? Her father?
> 
> If you puked all over it it doesn't make a little bit of difference because she had already gone to the toilet on it.


Great point, I don't think I should have to explain that to her. I assume she should know better; but when I say she is inexperienced, she really is. She didn't start dating until she was midway through her second degree in college. Could it be that she really does not understand because of inexperience? Maybe she feels like it is acceptable because it really is just a friendship? Are any ladies "just friends" with any exes that would never cross back into the intimate zone?


----------



## Cosmos

Another thing that's occurred to me, OP. Do you know for sure that her friend really pulled out the day before the holiday? How do you know that the real plan wasn't for your GF and her ex to have this holiday alone in the first place?


----------



## imjustlost

Cosmos said:


> Another thing that's occurred to me, OP. Do you know for sure that her friend really pulled out the day before the holiday? How do you know that the real plan wasn't for your GF and her ex to have this holiday alone in the first place?


I know for a fact that the other girl originally intended on going, because the three of us went out about a month ago and talked casually about the trip and where they wanted to go because she had family / friends there.


----------



## Deejo

HEY!

Cripes ... dial it back folks.

The guy already cut the cord, feels hurt (who friggin wouldn't) and came here to vent.

Is there really a huge need to dissect this thing and question him? Four months people ... the trip was planned before he was even in the picture, but she decided to go through with it anyway ... not smart. 

Jeeze, I thought I was cynical.

How about just some good ol' fashion support.


----------



## A Bit Much

imjustlost said:


> Great point, I don't think I should have to explain that to her. I assume she should know better; but *when I say she is inexperienced, she really is. She didn't start dating until she was midway through her second degree in college. Could it be that she really does not understand because of inexperience?* Maybe she feels like it is acceptable because it really is just a friendship? Are any ladies "just friends" with any exes that would never cross back into the intimate zone?


Again, hate to point out the obvious... but she's not as dense as you want to make her out. She didn't want to even get serious with you to begin with because you're going through a divorce. A lot of women don't want to be bothered with that kind of baggage.


----------



## NextTimeAround

JCD said:


> A full +1 on the maturity thing.
> 
> There are two small problems.
> 
> *A girl that young couples a smoking hot body with sexual idiocy, something hard for a guy to resist. (He is currently seeing the downsides...)*
> 
> A woman his age either has or desperately WANTS kids (generally speaking). This is EASY TO RESIST.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's not forget that my fiance's EA wrote on a social media site that wanted to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30.

So youth no longer even guarantees a hard, rocking body.


----------



## lovelygirl

imjustlost said:


> Great point, I don't think I should have to explain that to her. I assume she should know better; but when I say she is inexperienced, she really is. She didn't start dating until she was midway through her second degree in college. Could it be that she really does not understand because of inexperience? Maybe she feels like it is acceptable because it really is just a friendship? Are any ladies "just friends" with any exes that would never cross back into the intimate zone?


*NO!*

Her "inexperience" doesn't have to do with common sense. Stop justifying her!

As an example, I got my FIRST boyfriend ever when I was 22 [which for today's world is pretty late]. I was inexperienced back then BUT I did know way better than what she knows now at 24. 
I did have better boundaries and respect for my (back then) relationship. 

Don't make her try to look naive. She's not naive, she's PLAYING naive and you're too blind to realize this. 

If you have to teach her how to behave in a relationship at 24, then go figure what other boundaries she must learn to respect!

She knows what she's doing. She's just hoping she can get away easily with it and praying for you to buy her craps.


----------



## BjornFree

I just read the title.......


Looks like you got yourself a new ex.


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> *NO!*
> 
> Her "inexperience" doesn't have to do with common sense. Stop justifying her!


You never know. this might just be the curse of the younger woman. My fiancé went on a trip with his (let's see) ex gf / (now) ex EA three months after we met and started dating steadily.

He and I at that time had not declared exclusivity to one another but I do think that the road to exclusivity should be paved with behaviour that mimics it.

Strangely enough, my fiancé said that her new bf picked them up at the airport and he gave my fiancé a ride home. 

FTR, she was 29 at the time and my fiancé was 40 ( as was her new bf). 

What brought me to TAM of course was the fact that he continued contact with her after that trip and never told me about it. So yes, I was determined to avoid the problems that arise when your SO is still in contact with an EX (even a fly by night Ex as she was......3 months, BFD). and required him to cut all ties with her. I didn't ask him to do that......but most likely I would have started dating other men........as I have told my fiancé, I would be like his EA, find a real boyfriend and then come back around to him to be "just" friends.

OP, sorry if I missed this. Did you and she declare exclusivity before this trip? In any case, I think some things do need to be learned through bitter experience. 

I used to be that free spirit who thought I could be friends with just anybody and that intent was more important than anything you actually did. I learned the hard way.....lost opportunities sometimes.......that what others see does matter.

If she can't understand that what she has done is wrong, then the only way to express that to her is to cut her loose.

For all the interesting titbits that I have learned from my fiance's e-mails, FB messages and text messages, it has been difficult to let go even though he is doing a lot of things right to keep me around.

Is your girl willing to put out that effort?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Maybe she feels like it is acceptable because it really is just a friendship? Are any ladies "just friends" with any exes that would never cross back into the intimate zone?


Well, I'm not "just friends" with ANY of my exes.

Can state that my sister and my two good friends are not "friends" with any exes either.

So, there's FOUR of us (if you're keeping track, OP).


----------



## NewM

imjustlost said:


> Found out about the ex one week before the vacay and that's only because I asked who was going instead of me. Final plan with her girl friend cancelling was just yesterday.
> 
> She offered to pay half my plane ticket but I was really indifferent about going. She offered to take me on another business trip previously and pay half my ticket but it was only for a few days and not worth it IMHO. She ended up going alone.


So she planned to go on a trip for 4 months while hiding who is she going with.
To tell you the truth it doesn't even matter that her friend canceled because her friend probably likes her more then you and would lie for her.This seems like your gf and her ex planed this trip with her friend being just as cover so she canceled her trip because she felt like she would be the odd one out.


----------



## The Middleman

imjustlost said:


> Are any ladies "just friends" with any exes that would never cross back into the intimate zone?


Please don't believe it when anyone tells you that you can be just friends with Ex's. It's not possible. I might not have cut off communications with her, if for not other reason than to keep tabs on her.


----------



## Deejo

Google 'rationalization hamster'.

Her decision to go because ex is now just a 'friend' and not romantic partner material, and her inevitable defense of going is a classic example of rationalization hamster theory ...

In a nutshell, it is a mechanism used to rationalize, justify, and defennd, bad behavior.

The trick is ... to never lose scope of the fact that it is/was bad behavior and as a result, inherits consequences.

Consequences, which you have delivered swiftly and justly.

Don't knock yourself over this. You did the right thing.


----------



## Toffer

AJL,

So did you give her the walking papers yet?


----------



## imjustlost

Toffer said:


> AJL,So did you give her the walking papers yet?


Yes. Now she is blowing up my phone, apologizing and wanting to talk when she gets back, which is tomorrow.


----------



## JCD

Toffer said:


> AJL,
> 
> So did you give her the walking papers yet?


It's a girlfriend, not a wife.

But all things considered, you SHOULD have that last phone call.

"This is unacceptable. I tried to accept it and I can't. You're stuff is at Mrs. Mulligans. We are never ever ever...getting back together! OOOOOH! Never ever ever...getting back together! You talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to ME!"


Or just send her the Taylor Swift Song. That should do it nicely.


----------



## Cosmos

imjustlost said:


> Yes. Now she is blowing up my phone, apologizing and wanting to talk when she gets back, which is tomorrow.


Sounds like she's putting Plan B into action, OP...

Of course it's up to you whether you give your GF the opportunity to explain her bad behaviour, but the fact that it's showing so soon into the relationship would give me pause for thought.


----------



## Toffer

Walk now!

You're not married, you don't have kids.

Hel1, forget the walk part..........RUN!


----------



## JCD

imjustlost said:


> Yes. Now she is blowing up my phone, apologizing and wanting to talk when she gets back, which is tomorrow.


Isn't tomorrow when you start YOUR vacation?

Just suggesting...


----------



## Jonesey

JCD said:


> Isn't tomorrow when you start YOUR vacation?
> 
> Just suggesting...


That cracked me up:lol:


----------



## JCD

500 miles of gas: *$87*

Admission to the Chattanoga Aquarium with IMAX: *$32*

The tranquility which comes from leaving your cell phone in your charger at home: *Priceless.*

This commercial brought to you by Match.com

*MATCH.COM*
If you don't break up with your current girlfriend, how can we get repeat business by matching you up with your new one?​


----------



## tom67

JCD said:


> Isn't tomorrow when you start YOUR vacation?
> 
> Just suggesting...


I do like your way of thinking!


----------



## tom67

JCD said:


> 500 miles of gas: *$87*
> 
> Admission to the Chattanoga Aquarium with IMAX: *$32*
> 
> The tranquility which comes from leaving your cell phone in your charger at home: *Priceless.*
> 
> This commercial brought to you by Match.com
> 
> *MATCH.COM*
> If you don't break up with your current girlfriend, how can we get repeat business by matching you up with your new one?​


Don't stop him he's on a roll!:rofl:


----------



## JCD

Don't encourage me. I'm tedious.


----------



## tom67

JCD said:


> Don't encourage me. I'm tedious.


And remember to tip your waitresses :smthumbup:


----------



## Matt1720

Toffer said:


> Walk now!
> 
> You're not married, you don't have kids.
> 
> Hel1, forget the walk part..........RUN!


Don't forget also what Deejo mentioned, you're providing her with a very important life lesson:

Stupid boundary crossing behavior = Love interest goes bye bye

Something I wish stbxw learned (and I have to instruct her in)


----------



## MrK

imjustlost said:


> Yes. Now she is blowing up my phone, apologizing and wanting to talk when she gets back, which is tomorrow.


Get ready for a ride. She's had a full day to rethink this strategy. She is going to come flying through the door, guns blazing. "How DARE you accuse her of anything immoral, you jealous controlling freak". WHEN (not if) the gaslighting starts, just remember how long she knew it was just her and her f-buddy before she told you. And if i remember correctly, she didn't even tell you. You just found out.

Don't cave.


----------



## sinnister

You have a failed marriage.

Now you have this 5 months of drama. She broke up with you then blew up your phone wanting you back, then went on vacation with her ex...

End the drama. You did the right thing.

5 months? I have farts that last that long. 

Next batter up man.


----------



## JJG

Oh . . .my . . . gosh . . . Could everyone possibly get more carried away?

FACTS
5 mths - barely a relationship. 
24 vs 35 - did you really expect this to be the love of your life?
You knew before hand who was going (whether it was a week before or a year before). If you had a problem you should have put your foot down and said something. Not waited til she was gone and then deleted her from your 'online life' like a teenager

Geez, i think you will be fine


----------



## warlock07

imjustlost said:


> Yes. Now she is blowing up my phone, apologizing and wanting to talk when she gets back, which is tomorrow.


Just talk to her with an open mind .

Two issues here

1) Going on a vacation with an ex..While entirely inappropriate, you made it look like you were ok with it(maybe too not come off as jealous ?). You did not give her a proper boundary or tell what was expected of her..

2) Freaking out and deleting her from all you accounts when she went offline after talking to you..I think this was a over reaction..

I think you could have dealt this better


----------



## Madman1

1. You expressed your disapproval-but not strong enough.
2. She kept her plan to go with ex from you until you asked.
3. She knew you were uncomfortable with it- and went dark on you.
4. The pain you experienced when you realized where her actions
put you was unexpected.
5. You did not realize it was a deal breaker until you experienced it.
6. In hindsight you would have broken up with her in a more mature 
way, next time you will know better.
7. You are not accusing her of anything she made her choice to go 
and disregarded your feelings and in light of what she did and how it made you feel, this is
reason enough to part ways.

----------------Between you and me
8. You will never feel good about what she did or believe nothing
happened and so the relationship is dead.
9. She is to young to take your life seriously, 
"girls just wanna have fun-hun", next time enjoy the
ride but be ready to get off at the next stop.
10. Be a man when people show you what they are like believe
them. Dont fall for her Bullshjt, if you get back with her you
are just prolonging the drama and misery.


----------



## Madman1

Question;
How long would the make-up sex for an offense like this last?


----------



## costa200

Sounds like Mr. Boring OM is still boring... Plan B in motion...


----------



## The Middleman

Madman1 said:


> Question;
> How long would the make-up sex for an offense like this last?


Take the "make-up sex" and then RUN. (People are going to hate me for that)



costa200 said:


> Sounds like Mr. Boring OM is still boring... Plan B in motion...


Boring or not, I'm willing to bet my next pay check that she was getting daily injections while on vacation. What she did was inexcusable and sort of justifies my comment above.

*Edit:* I really would like to hear from *imjustlost* about how their "reunion" went yesterday. I'd like to hear about the lies she told him and what he's going to do.


----------



## ATC529R

TOTALLY agree with Middleman on this one. maybe even string her along while getting a new girl. two can play that game.


----------



## DayDream

Is the OP still here even??


----------



## imjustlost

Update:

She flew in on a red-eye last night and is working right now.

She is, and has been blowing up my phone; she said she understands why I felt that way. She still contends she doesn't know how she signed out. Wants to talk about it.

She is already talking about makeup sex.

She has been sending me pics from her vacation, and one is of her in the hotel room and I can see a double bed behind her, so separate beds I would assume?


----------



## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> Update:
> 
> She flew in on a red-eye last night and is working right now.
> 
> She is, and has been blowing up my phone; she said she understands why I felt that way. She still contends she doesn't know how she signed out. Wants to talk about it.
> 
> She is already talking about makeup sex.
> 
> *She has been sending me pics from her vacation, and one is of her in the hotel room and I can see a double bed behind her, so separate beds I would assume*?


What do you take from that? If there are two beds is it mandatory that they each sleep in their own? Or that they couldn't use one for sex?

Prepare to be gaslit big time. She has taken your measure and will roll over you with some makeup sex. 

Where is your self respect if you let that happen?


----------



## ATC529R

imjustlost said:


> Update:
> 
> She flew in on a red-eye last night and is working right now.
> 
> She is, and has been blowing up my phone; she said she understands why I felt that way. She still contends she doesn't know how she signed out. Wants to talk about it.
> 
> She is already talking about makeup sex.
> 
> *She has been sending me pics from her vacation, and one is of her in the hotel room and I can see a double bed behind her*, so separate beds I would assume?


Of course there is a double bed, and of course she sent you a picture of it. It's the game that makes sex fun, shes making him work for it and they are going at it like rabbits. and she is sending you the bed picture and you are falling for it hook line and sinker! she's blowing up your phone because she feels guilty for blo......eh, nevermind.....


----------



## A Bit Much

I don't know why we're still talking about this. We all know what's going to happen here. It's obvioius.


----------



## ATC529R

A Bit Much said:


> I don't know why we're still talking about this. We all know what's going to happen here. It's obvioius.


it's like a trainwreck, ya don't wanna look, but ya just have to :scratchhead:


----------



## DayDream

imjustlost said:


> Update:
> 
> She flew in on a red-eye last night and is working right now.
> 
> She is, and has been blowing up my phone; she said she understands why I felt that way. She still contends she doesn't know how she signed out. Wants to talk about it.
> 
> She is already talking about makeup sex.
> 
> She has been sending me pics from her vacation, and one is of her in the hotel room and I can see a double bed behind her, so separate beds I would assume?


A double bed...is one bed. Why would you assume separate beds?

I can tell by your tone you will be snowed over by her and getting back together and ignoring all the signs of cheating. Amazing what a piece of much younger a$$ can get away with.


----------



## CandieGirl

I'm continually amazed at the things people are willing to put up with in this world.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Was one bed made?


----------



## tom67

WorkingOnMe said:


> Was one bed made?


Good question!


----------



## tom67

I would go out after work tonight make her wonder.


----------



## DayDream

WorkingOnMe said:


> Was one bed made?


If you read it again...he said A double-bed. Meaning one bed.


----------



## CandieGirl

She's got class, too, sending pics of the bed she's boffing another guy in...flush her. Don't put up with this treatment.


----------



## imjustlost

Malaise said:


> What do you take from that? If there are two beds is it mandatory that they each sleep in their own? Or that they couldn't use one for sex?
> 
> Prepare to be gaslit big time. She has taken your measure and will roll over you with some makeup sex.
> 
> Where is your self respect if you let that happen?


You're right; two beds does not mean anything and does not change the fact that she is on vacation alone, with her ex. She is gaslighting me, and all the signs are there that this will just not work.


----------



## DayDream

All I know is...and I'm not saying I would ever treat my S.O. this way...if I went on vacation with my "just friends" ex...and my NOW boyfriend got upset enough to cut all communication and attachments off with me and I realized he was that upset to do so, I would cut the vacation short and head right on home to clear things up. She didn't. She went right on enjoying her vacation with her ex, probably rolling her eyes and saying, "Eh...I can get him to go back with me when I get done with my vacation. I have that much power over him with my sexy young a$$! He won't be able to resist! I'll just play dumb and cute!"


----------



## imjustlost

Could only see what looks to be a double bed that is not made. Double bed, single bed, king bed. I don't even think it matters at this point. Just one detail in a situation that has too many questionable details.


----------



## NewM

So she sent you a pic of a room where you can clearly see that they had to sleep in same bed :smthumbup:


----------



## Jack29

It doesnt matter if they had sex or not (although if i were you id assume the worst) but even if they didnt you're entitled to dump her on general principles, if you don't its one more victory for b!tches (or should i say b!tchkind?)

Dont give in. Go out with friends, go to the gym, do whatever you do to chill out but don't meet her!!! If you do meet her and have makeup sex it will be the same things all over, if she won't see the ex she still my find some other guy down the road shell get pretty close to and flirt with other guys!

Source(s)
I've been there myself!


----------



## Cosmos

It doesn't matter how many beds were in the room, or even if they were in separate rooms. This doesn't mean that they didn't share a bed during their vacation.

OP, only you can decide if you're prepared to give it another go with this woman, but how you handle this right now is vitally important, because you will be teaching her how to treat you in the future (presuming there is a future).


----------



## Madman1

I cant believe how suspicious everyone here is!

I would give her a fair chance to prove it by asking one, or more, of her cute friend to join in, and THEN dump her becausd she is such a sjut.
Maybe ask one of the most enthusiastic of the gang out, for some sympathy sex!

Life is good! I envy you man!

Pm me with details please, I miss bandits thread!
It was gone before I could finish it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southern wife

And she's 24! Of course she wants to come home and have sex with you!!


----------



## CandieGirl

Yes. 24. Sex is pretty much the only thing she can offer you, as she clearly has no idea how grown ups behave.


----------



## Madman1

Thats so condesending, I wouldnt hold her age against her, but...
. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

Madman1 said:


> Thats so condesending, I wouldnt hold her age against her, but...
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to sit on the fence here as well......

A friend of mine, all of the age of 37, agreed to take a trip with a guy she was dating at the 3 month mark........but she didn't discuss sex or sleeping arrangements in advance.

I asked her what did she do. She admitted that she tried to stall in the bathroom until he fell asleep and so forth. Her goal was to avoid sex on the trip.

She had to admit that she had not heard from him since the trip....

Even with my fiancé, regarding that fateful trip which he now says he regrets, I can see in the text messages that he told his EA that the hotel reservations include 2 single beds (this is Germany). 

I do wonder if one or the other had made the moves....as I received a midnight e-mail from him claiming that she has a boyfriend and I shouldn't be concerned about her.


----------



## southern wife

Madman1 said:


> Thats so condesending, I wouldnt hold her age against her, but...
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was 24 once................trust me, I know how much you WANT sex at that age!


----------



## Madman1

In all seriousness dude, I've been reading these threads for a few weeks and I cant believe how often the ex is still involved with the woman, right up to the wedding and after, its one of my new things to make sure of, that they are truly out of the picture, and if she still has feelings for him like yours, forget it, as soon as you guys go a little flat or hit a rough patch she will be tapping him for some sympathy sex, if you have kids you need a stable woman who will not through your life into turmoil again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

His ex isn't out of the picture yet, he's still married. So all is fair in love and war if you ask me.


----------



## keko

Just block her number on your phone and move on dude. I just don't get why you're still dragging this crap on for days.


----------



## Madman1

I know, Im with you SWife, I remember too,
Hopefully op can just move on without much damage done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imjustlost

Thanks everyone for the responses. 

Going to dump her face to face before she has a chance to seduce me with those eyes..._those breasts_...DAT ASS..

*ehem*

But, yeah I need to move on. Was fun while it lasted...


----------



## ATC529R

imjustlost said:


> Thanks everyone for the responses.
> 
> Going to dump her face to face before she has a chance to seduce me with those eyes..._those breasts_...DAT ASS..
> 
> *ehem*
> 
> But, yeah I need to move on. Was fun while it lasted...



and miss out on a grudge &%*$????? dude you are confused. :scratchhead:


----------



## Madman1

You da man!
Let us know how that goes, Im gonna make some popcorn.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imjustlost

ATC529R said:


> and miss out on a grudge &%*$????? dude you are confused. :scratchhead:


Been there, done that...Got the shirt.

Will not give her the satisfaction, literally and figuratively...


----------



## sinnister

imjustlost said:


> Been there, done that...Got the shirt.
> 
> Will not give her the satisfaction, literally and figuratively...


Then proceed with the ehnal. Get yours...then get out.


----------



## CandieGirl

That'll learn ya to date so young 

Yup...when I was her age...I could make men do annnnything....LOL.

Seriously, though, hope it all works out and that you don't let her dupe you.


----------



## CH

Don't get tempted into giving her a severance pop. You know you'll want to do it then dump her, just to add that extra spite on top of dumping her.

And Candie, you could make certain men do what you wanted  Well if you were my 1st and 2nd gf back in high school then yeah you could have gotten me to do anything you wanted lol.


----------



## Madman1

Maybe she will show up here with a thread "Took a trip with my ex and my boyfriend freaked out, how can I get him to stay with me?"

One can only hope!


Checking new posts now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

warlock07 said:


> Just talk to her with an open mind .
> 
> Two issues here
> 
> 1) Going on a vacation with an ex..While entirely inappropriate, you made it look like you were ok with it(maybe too not come off as jealous ?). You did not give her a proper boundary or tell what was expected of her..
> 
> 2) Freaking out and deleting her from all you accounts when she went offline after talking to you..I think this was a over reaction..
> 
> I think you could have dealt this better



Agree with Warlock here. As you did not tell her it was a deal breaker when she went you at least need to speak to her. Ok it might just be to say "thanks for all the fun but goodbye" but you should speak.

You mention that you did say that you were 'uncomfortable' with her going. How did that conversation go? What made her feel that it was ok to go on this trip? Because if you did agree to her going then [shrugs]


----------



## warlock07

I feel that a lot of the comments in last few pages are unnecessary and immature. We do not even know this girl and what she is in real life.

The double bed could well be from the room she booked for her friend and herself before bailed out the last minute..

OP, you obviously do not trust her. This vacation was your breaking point bu I am sure you had other (trust)issues before. Maybe it is time to have a good look if your trust issues from your previous relationship are seeping into this one.

Yes, she could have cheated very easily but keep perspective



> Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. -- *Hanlon's razor*


----------



## Conrad

keko said:


> Just block her number on your phone and move on dude. I just don't get why you're still dragging this crap on for days.


Hey bro!

A bit of a threadjack here, but I'm glad to see you posting.

Some storm you had.

And, you're not even banned, so we can see you're ok real-time.


----------



## costa200

What was the deal with the pics? Where they supposed to prove something? What does a pic of a bed prove? That someone slept in it?


----------



## Jonesey

costa200 said:


> What was the deal with the pics? Where they supposed to prove something? What does a pic of a bed prove? That someone slept in it?


I was wondering thatto:scratchhead:


----------



## keko

Conrad said:


> Hey bro!
> 
> A bit of a threadjack here, but I'm glad to see you posting.
> 
> Some storm you had.
> 
> And, you're not even banned, so we can see you're ok real-time.


Hey Conrad, 

The storm wasn't too bad, I'm still breathing. But now we have to deal with being out of power and waiting hours to get gas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imjustlost

costa200 said:


> What was the deal with the pics? Where they supposed to prove something? What does a pic of a bed prove? That someone slept in it?


It was a picture of her and I noticed the bed in the background. Ultimately proves nothing.


----------



## Entropy3000

imjustlost said:


> My gf of 5 months is on vacation with her ex; on a trip she originally invited me to go on. Before meeting up with him, and flying out, she sends me a chat message that she loves me and wished i was there through Google chat ( we use that instead of texting on our phones) and then she signs off!! She has been signed off for the whole night and morning and now I'm just livid.
> 
> I feel so disrespected, foolish and don't even know where to begin to address this with her. She clearly did not want to be disturbed when meeting up with him, clearly that is the case but is there any hope for a relationship that this occurs in???
> I feel its not, am I overreacting?
> I need advice on how to respond as well, I am livid right now and don't want to overreact.
> Please give me your thoughts...Thank you.
> 
> EDIT 1:
> Going dark, cutting off communication:
> _Facebook unfriended
> Instagram blocked
> Google+ photo album blocked
> Number deleted
> Hitting the gym
> Lawyering up
> wait wut_
> 
> EDIT 2:
> OK, phonecall number 1 incoming...
> 
> voicemail transcript


Have not read the rest of the thread yet. Perhaps this goes off in a weird direction. BUT. Given this scneario I would flat dump her.


----------



## Entropy3000

imjustlost said:


> I know for a fact that the other girl originally intended on going, because the three of us went out about a month ago and talked casually about the trip and where they wanted to go because she had family / friends there.


Totally irrelevant. She went on vacation with her ex. End of story. End of your relationship.

Whether you tell her why you dumped her or not is not terribly important. I would just tell her that you need a faithful woman. One with good boundaries. You should not have to tell her that going on vacation with the ex is a deal breaker. She should not have him in her life any more. 

BUT. You are not ready to be in a relationship period. Get a divorce.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

The positive aspect of this is, if OP sticks to his guns and coldly goes no-contact with her, and forces her to look into the mirror of herself, and her completely unreasonable and tramp-like behaviour, it will hopefully wake her up to the fact that their are CONSEQUENCES to her actions, and that she cannot just swan through life ****ting all over men, and doing whatever she likes and justifying it as she goes.

Many women seem never to have experienced this lesson, and just mosey on through life crapping all over men, with absolutely zero comprehension of consequence, or even the rudimentary beginnings to understanding normal & decent boundaries to behaviour within a relationship.

So, after experiencing cold hard rejection by the OP, and being forced to face her conduct as a result, with the next man she is with, she will in all likelihood be far more attuned to what is reasonably expected of her, and wouldn't even think of pulling a stunt like this in the first place.

All men need to stand up for themselves, and not accept this kind of obscene behaviour from women, even if not for themselves but for "the next guy". Accepting it just trains them to think that it is OK for them to do whatever they want and act like trash.

So in closing, the next man she is with owes OP a beer IMO.


----------



## ATC529R

you heard him reference, her ass, tits and age right.......maybe in 10 years she'll wise up....but this right here. he asked for it. he's married and has no say in it.


----------



## Malaise

Entropy3000 said:


> Totally irrelevant. She went on vacation with her ex. End of story. End of your relationship.
> 
> Whether you tell her why you dumped her or not is not terribly important. I would just tell her that you need a faithful woman. One with good boundaries. * You should not have to tell her that going on vacation with the ex is a deal breaker*. She should not have him in her life any more.
> 
> BUT. You are not ready to be in a relationship period. Get a divorce.


This is the point in a nutshell. The fact that he responded not forcefully enough to the news that the ex was going means squat compared to this. She should have known, did know and didn't care because of her looks as OP has mentioned.

She could do anything and get past it with some makeup sex.


----------



## RandomDude

... how the hell did you let this happen?

And if she actually somehow was sincere, what was she thinking? Wait a minute, is she blonde?


----------



## oldgeezer

imjustlost said:


> Hey imjustlost. So I woke up today find myself seemingly deleted from your life I think there was no explanation. I'm sure we'll talk about this. Because I'm deleted from your life with no explanation.
> 
> voicemail transcript


There is no possibility she needs you to explain this. This is not a bewildered "what's wrong?" of someone oblivious to something. This is the "hey, there's nothing wrong, what are you doing?" fib. 

If my wife did this to me, I would not text her and say "what are you doing"? I freaking would KNOW what she was doing, and further, if I were on vacation with some woman... I'd know why. 

Don't vent on her, you need to just cut the strings and grieve the loss of what you thought you had. You didn't, and that's really sad, but now you're going to have to get over it and on with life. 

Don't go for sex, don't pretend to make up for the benefits and cheat to get even... Nope, don't do any of that. Be the better man, it will be your revenge, because she will know and will remember what she lost. She will know that YOU were the better of the two of you. If she can manipulate you with sex, then she'll despise you just a little more, "men are easy" ring a bell? 

Find a good woman, not one that believes her skills in the sack will buy her any bad behavior she wants.


----------



## RandomDude

I'm surprised it's even a relationship

Personally I would just enjoy her as a girl on the side, rather too soon to invest emotionally


----------



## NextTimeAround

****My gf of 5 months is on vacation with her ex; on a trip she originally invited me to go on. ****

Imjustlost, I just caught this. What was your reason for not taking the trip with her?

In my younger days, I might have been more open minded if the guy I started dating had already booked travel plans with someone else.

I'm not so sure how generous I would be these days.


----------



## JCD

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> The positive aspect of this is, if OP sticks to his guns and coldly goes no-contact with her, and forces her to look into the mirror of herself, and her completely unreasonable and tramp-like behaviour, it will hopefully wake her up to the fact that their are CONSEQUENCES to her actions, and that she cannot just swan through life ****ting all over men, and doing whatever she likes and justifying it as she goes.
> 
> Many women seem never to have experienced this lesson, and just mosey on through life crapping all over men, with absolutely zero comprehension of consequence, or even the rudimentary beginnings to understanding normal & decent boundaries to behaviour within a relationship.
> 
> So, after experiencing cold hard rejection by the OP, and being forced to face her conduct as a result, with the next man she is with, she will in all likelihood be far more attuned to what is reasonably expected of her, and wouldn't even think of pulling a stunt like this in the first place.
> 
> All men need to stand up for themselves, and not accept this kind of obscene behaviour from women, even if not for themselves but for "the next guy". Accepting it just trains them to think that it is OK for them to do whatever they want and act like trash.
> 
> So in closing, the next man she is with owes OP a beer IMO.


This makes a lot of assumptions. Since I don't think the OP would be attracted to a TOTAL moron, she has to have A clue. Her voice mail suggested as much. So IMO this was a DELIBERATE act to break them up. She got tired of boning the old married dude...or her friends were laughing at her...or he wasn't as rich as she expected...or after 5 months the dopamine high was gone. Don't know her reasons.

The only flaw in my theory is she's calling him a lot if he's to be believed

So what happened? Is she a total moron? Did she overestimate her sexual allure? Did the ex turn out to not be interested in more than a quickie? Maybe the OP is so much bigger she didn't realize what she had until it was gone (yeah right...). Maybe the ex kept hitting her up for cash?

Don't know. I'd be interested to hear about the meeting. Do NOT do it at your place! You need to be able to walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

i'mjustlost:

I think you're making a BIG MISTAKE by meeting with this woman and dumping her FACE TO FACE!

YOU are a man with NO BOUNDARIES or POOR BOUNDARIES. I'm not dogging on you, I'm stating facts. Your STBXW cheated on you; your current GF is cheating on you. THOSE ARE FACTS.

Are they both cheating beyotches? YES. Is there something wrong with them? YES. That being said, there is ALSO SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ALLOW this kind of woman into YOUR LIFE (and the lives of your kids!). You ALLOW them to treat you like this.

Whether it's that you don't READ red flags that ought to be obvious (and for some reason are NOT to you), or you exhibit poor personal boundaries in a way that attracts women who like to feel POWERFUL/BEAUTIFUL by having multiple guys on a string, or whatever the helll it is - These type of women are attracted to you, play you, treat you like crap, and YOU ARE LEFT HURTING.

If YOU DON'T KNOW *WHY* these women are able to manipulate you, then YOU NEED TO GET INTO IC and have someone help you figure it out. Until then, you are open to attack by current cheating girlfriend (with those eyes, those tits, dat azz...YOUR own quote) and every other woman PLAYER out there!

My fear is that your face-to-face meeting will involve HEAVY manipulation on HER SIDE (which you seem unable to read/overcome) and you will acquiesce to ONE MORE attempt to make this relationship work. YOU WILL HONESTLY BELIEVE that you have 'put your foot down' and 'drawn a line in the sand', unfortunately, SHE WON'T SEE IT THAT WAY. She'll have EVEN LESS RESPECT than she does now, and will continue to hurt you with her behavior.

If you were a more Alpha guy (and I am NOT trying to insult you), you could pull off a face-to-face break-up...maybe even a 'farewell f*ck' in the process, and STILL COME OUT OF IT OKAY. BUT, YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GUY! You will NOT have control of this situation.

With your particular set of traits, a NO CONTACT breakup OR an over the phone break up would be better (I voted for NO CONTACT because I feel YOU ARE EASILY MANIPULATED). Otherwise, you will be back here in "x" months feeling like cr*p about the way this girl used you.


----------



## farside

I still haven't seen what the proof that they fooled around is. She signed off of IM. That's it. OP knew the other guy was going on the trip with her. It is possible to be platonic friends with an ex. 

Talk to her. Look her in the eyes and listen to her side of the story. Don't convict her based on a jury of people on a message board. Also, if there is baggage in the relationship, leave it on the curb and judge her objectively. It seems you have feelings for her. You are only dating. Define the boundaries and take it very slowly.

I just don't see what she did wrong other than signing off of IM. This was the opposite of going behind someone's back.

If you love her, give her a chance and don't "throw the baby out with the bath water" based on a series of assumptions.


----------



## Entropy3000

Malaise said:


> This is the point in a nutshell. The fact that he responded not forcefully enough to the news that the ex was going means squat compared to this. She should have known, did know and didn't care because of her looks as OP has mentioned.
> 
> She could do anything and get past it with some makeup sex.


The fact that she even thought that this was an option was the real dealbreaker. The disrespect / cluelessness of it all was the real issue. Had she realized on her this was wrong before she actually went ... hard to say. But even then the EX being in her life at all was not a good albeit undertandable. 

This part comes down to men not being comfortable with being a man and having set boundaries. Having fear to assert themselves. Not doing so is ultimately enabling problems. It shows a lack of self esteem and a willingness to settle for less. People settling for less is a show of low value. Showing low value is not attractive and not conducive to respect.


----------



## Entropy3000

farside said:


> I still haven't seen what the proof that they fooled around is. She signed off of IM. That's it. OP knew the other guy was going on the trip with her. It is possible to be platonic friends with an ex.
> 
> Talk to her. Look her in the eyes and listen to her side of the story. Don't convict her based on a jury of people on a message board. Also, if there is baggage in the relationship, leave it on the curb and judge her objectively. It seems you have feelings for her. You are only dating. Define the boundaries and take it very slowly.
> 
> I just don't see what she did wrong other than signing off of IM. This was the opposite of going behind someone's back.
> 
> If you love her, give her a chance and don't "throw the baby out with the bath water" based on a series of assumptions.


Whether she spread her legs or anything else is not even remotely the point. The deal breaker was her going at all. The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX. The discussion about fooling around is jut obfuscation around further needless drama. Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy. She is not really the OPs GF. She is just dating men. trying them on. This is not n exclusive relationship. Not sure why he dod not go with her. No doubt she took this as a lack of interest. She wantd to be able to enjoy her vacation with a man. Go figure.

This is not the woman he is looking for. She was just some fun recreation as it turned out. He owes her nothing. I doubt I would bother to keep investing in her by dumping her fsce to face but I would not avoid it either. he needs to invest his energies elsewhere. I also think it is a waste of time and effort and emotional energy to have sex with her further. He needs to go through withdrawal.

Life is too short to be weak, fearful and to settle for less.


----------



## farside

Entropy3000 said:


> Whether she spread her legs or anything else is not even remotely the point. The deal breaker was her going at all. The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX. The discussion about fooling around is jut obfuscation around further needless drama. Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy. She is not really the OPs GF. She is just dating men. trying them on. This is not n exclusive relationship. Not sure why he dod not go with her. No doubt she took this as a lack of interest. She wantd to be able to enjoy her vacation with a man. Go figure.


"The deal breaker was her going at all." 

She asked. You can't break up with someone for doing something you gave them permission to do. In the law, it is called entrapment. 

"The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX.....Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy. 

Its too big a world to expect that people won't have relationships and friendships with members of the opposite sex (including exes). One of my wife's friends is an ex and she sees him regularly (I am friendly with him as well but not as close). 

He's a guy she was friends with long before they dated, they dated for a year, broke it off and they remained friends. Its a 15 year relationship one of which involved them being romantic. We have talked about it and I trust her completely. We joked around and looked at facebook and found that I was "friends" with two of my exes and she was friends with 2 of hers. Friendship with members of the opposite sex does not equate to infidelity or sex.

There are a lot of assumptions in a lot of these responses. 

OP: If you pull the trigger, don't let it be based on an assumption.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Entropy3000 said:


> Whether she spread her legs or anything else is not even remotely the point. The deal breaker was her going at all. *The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX. The discussion about fooling around is jut obfuscation around further needless drama. Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy. She is not really the OPs GF. She is just dating men. trying them on.* This is not n exclusive relationship. Not sure why he dod not go with her. No doubt she took this as a lack of interest. She wantd to be able to enjoy her vacation with a man. Go figure.
> 
> This is not the woman he is looking for. She was just some fun recreation as it turned out. He owes her nothing. I doubt I would bother to keep investing in her by dumping her fsce to face but I would not avoid it either. he needs to invest his energies elsewhere. I also think it is a waste of time and effort and emotional energy to have sex with her further. He needs to go through withdrawal.
> 
> Life is too short to be weak, fearful and to settle for less.


I agree with this. seems like a generational thing too since it seems a lot of 20 something women do it.

I wonder what men think of this....and broken down by age.


----------



## JCD

Men of his age still equate sex with some manner of possession in a non-condemnatory fashion. To some girls her age, men are whomever they strap on for the vacation. They call this 'empowerment'. Feh!

So there is probably a generational disconnect.

It certainly doesn't help matters he is on the rebound and needy as hell right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

imjustlost said:


> It was a picture of her and I noticed the bed in the background. Ultimately proves nothing.


Don't think anyone has pointed this out yet.

She was in the picture yes? Unless she used an exposure timer somebody took that photograph, I assume it was the ex.

Now call me nasty and devious if you like but if I was the ex and I harboured some resentment over imjustlost humping my ex I would take great pleasure in taking a photograph which included the bed that perhaps an hour go I boned her good and hard in. And knowing that imjustlost might see the pic. I wouldn't be able to resist smirking every time I saw him.


----------



## NextTimeAround

A couple of things that I found interesting about the trip that my fiancé and his EA took:

1. While she was in the habit of uploading albums of her activities (she at one time had 260 photos up), photos of weekend activities in town; photos of her trips out of the city, out of the country......she never uploaded an album or even just one photograph of that trip.

ETA: She did have photos of herself and my fiance , arm in arm in these albums both from before he met me and after she knew about me.

2. Given all the receipts and credit card statements I found floating around my fiancé's apartment, I never found any statements or receipts that related to that trip. so I have no idea how they broke down expenses while they were there.


----------



## The Middleman

farside said:


> I still haven't seen what the proof that they fooled around is. She signed off of IM. That's it. OP knew the other guy was going on the trip with her. It is possible to be platonic friends with an ex.
> 
> Talk to her. Look her in the eyes and listen to her side of the story. Don't convict her based on a jury of people on a message board. Also, if there is baggage in the relationship, leave it on the curb and judge her objectively. It seems you have feelings for her. You are only dating. Define the boundaries and take it very slowly.
> 
> I just don't see what she did wrong other than signing off of IM. This was the opposite of going behind someone's back.
> 
> If you love her, give her a chance and don't "throw the baby out with the bath water" based on a series of assumptions.


So you don't think that a woman who is in (what we are all presuming is) a committed relationship .... that goes away with an ex-lover on vacation ... sharing a room with that ex-lover ... that this in and of it self is not problematic?

EDIT: I read your second posting. The law may call it entrapment, but this is not the law, this is managing personal relationships. I admit that the OP was pretty week and should have been clear up front that he didn't want her to go or he should have gone himself. BUT she should have had the common sense not to do it, being in (what we assume is ) a committed relationship.

You may be comfortable with your wife being close to her ex-lovers and hopefully your boundaries are strong enough that it's not an issue. However for most people this it's like playing Russian Roulette with 5 of 6 chambers full ... the odds are strongly against you that the boundaries just won't hold up. In my home there is a strictly enforced no contact with ex's rule and no opposite sex (close) friends rule.


----------



## farside

The Middleman said:


> So you don't think that a woman who is in (what we are all presuming is) a committed relationship .... that goes away with an ex-lover on vacation ... sharing a room with that ex-lover ... that this in and of it self is not problematic?
> 
> EDIT: I read your second posting. The law may call it entrapment, but this is not the law, this is managing personal relationships. I admit that the OP was pretty week and should have been clear up front that he didn't want her to go or he should have gone himself. BUT she should have had the common sense not to do it, being in (what we assume is ) a committed relationship.
> 
> You may be comfortable with your wife being close to her ex-lovers and hopefully your boundaries are strong enough that it's not an issue. However for most people this it's like playing Russian Roulette with 5 of 6 chambers full ... the boundaries just don't hold up. In my home there is a strictly enforced no contact with ex's rule and no opposite sex (close) friends.


Its a reasonable boundary. OP has every right to say that he doesn't want her traveling with her ex, BUT HE DIDN'T. She didn't go behind his back. He consented to it. That's why I'm confused.

If this post was "should I let my GF go on vacation with her ex" I would think everyone saying "thats crazy" is justified and correct. Here he said yes. And for her to come back and have him throw it in her face is unfair.


----------



## WyshIknew

The Middleman said:


> So you don't think that a woman who is in (what we are all presuming is) a committed relationship .... that goes away with an ex-lover on vacation ... sharing a room with that ex-lover ... that this in and of it self is not problematic?
> 
> EDIT: I read your second posting. The law may call it entrapment, but this is not the law, this is managing personal relationships. I admit that the OP was pretty week and should have been clear up front that he didn't want her to go or he should have gone himself. BUT she should have had the common sense not to do it, being in (what we assume is ) a committed relationship.
> 
> You may be comfortable with your wife being close to her ex-lovers and hopefully your boundaries are strong enough that it's not an issue. However for most people this it's like playing Russian Roulette with 5 of 6 chambers full ... the odds are strongly against you that the boundaries just won't hold up. In my home there is a strictly enforced no contact with ex's rule and no opposite sex (close) friends rule.





farside said:


> Its a reasonable boundary. OP has every right to say that he doesn't want her traveling with her ex, BUT HE DIDN'T. She didn't go behind his back. He consented to it. That's why I'm confused.
> 
> If this post was "should I let my GF go on vacation with her ex" I would think everyone saying "thats crazy" is justified and correct. Here he said yes. And for her to come back and have him throw it in her face is unfair.


I can see both points of view here.

The girl is either seriously dense to not realise that this would cause a problem for OP or seriously manipulative.

And OP should have put his foot down bigtime. He did say that he mentioned he was uncomfortable with the situation but hasn't yet told us how that particular conversation went.

Uncomfortable!!??

I know I'm an old(er) guy and I'm married but if Mrs Wysh tried to pull that on me Mr Caveman would leap out of his closet, swing his club around and make some very unhappy growling noises.


----------



## Malaise

farside said:


> "The deal breaker was her going at all."
> 
> She asked. You can't break up with someone for doing something you gave them permission to do. In the law, it is called entrapment.
> 
> "The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX.....Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy.
> 
> *Its too big a world to expect that people won't have relationships and friendships with members of the opposite sex (including exes). One of my wife's friends is an ex and she sees him regularly (I am friendly with him as well but not as close)*.
> 
> He's a guy she was friends with long before they dated, they dated for a year, broke it off and they remained friends. Its a 15 year relationship one of which involved them being romantic. We have talked about it and I trust her completely. We joked around and looked at facebook and found that I was "friends" with two of my exes and she was friends with 2 of hers. Friendship with members of the opposite sex does not equate to infidelity or sex.
> 
> There are a lot of assumptions in a lot of these responses.
> 
> OP: If you pull the trigger, don't let it be based on an assumption.


OK so your wife is friends with an ex.

Would you be fine if she and he vacationed together?


----------



## imjustlost

We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation. 
She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip. She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable. 
Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


----------



## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation.
> She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip. She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable.
> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


Your sex was amazing, but how was theirs?

Did she admit to sex with him?

If not, do you believe her?

If yes, what does that make you?


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Did she admit to cheating while there? Or did she deny it?


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Doh. Beat me to it.


----------



## TBT

But are you any the wiser about the vacation or does it matter?


----------



## Malaise

TBT said:


> But are you any the wiser about the vacation or does it matter?


I'm thinking that it doesn't matter to OP.

She is sooo hot that she could get away with anything as long as she throws him some every so often.

That is what the makeup sex was about.

And the more amazing it was the guiltier she is.


----------



## lovelygirl

imjustlost said:


> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


----------



## WyshIknew

Phew! Thats ok then.


----------



## imjustlost

WorkingOnMe said:


> Did she admit to cheating while there? Or did she deny it?


She said nothing happened; he is ex for reason. She said they slept in separate beds.


----------



## Jonesey

imjustlost said:


> We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation.
> She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I *abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip.* And why im a not suprised..*She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable. *. Ofcourse she did! What did you expect?:slap:
> 
> 
> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.:scratchhead:



Well its your life. Good luck


----------



## Malaise

imjustlost said:


> She said nothing happened; *he is ex for reason*. She said they slept in separate beds.


He is Ex for a reason but she still went on vacay with him?

Does that make sense?


----------



## Jonesey

Malaise said:


> He is Ex for a reason but she still went on vacay with him?
> 
> Does that make sense?


Sure it does


----------



## DayDream

Sucker.


----------



## Madman1

Sucker, poker, benderover, ah yesssssssssss!


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

imjustlost said:


> We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation.
> She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip. She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable.
> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


----------



## BrookeT

imjustlost said:


> She said nothing happened; he is ex for reason. She said they slept in separate beds.


Do you really believe that? Let me tell you something, they had sex on that trip. A lot, probably multiple times a day. Your girlfriend went on a trip with an ex.......grow a pair of balls and stop being a doormat.


----------



## JCD

imjustlost said:


> We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation.
> She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip. She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable.
> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


Do you consider this a win?

But since you bought it, you better start with a few more boundaries.

She is not allowed to date other men.
She is not allowed to blow other men.
She is not allowed to have sex with other PEOPLE (better add women here)
She is not allowed to vacation with other men.
She is not allowed to flirt with other men.

Yes, you obviously need to break it down this clearly because if not, you'll buy 'well we didn't SAY. She wasn't allowed to blow the football team...'

Get therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

JCD said:


> Do you consider this a win?
> 
> But since you bought it, you better start with a few more boundaries.
> 
> She is not allowed to date other men.
> She is not allowed to blow other men.
> She is not allowed to have sex with other PEOPLE (better add women here)
> She is not allowed to vacation with other men.
> She is not allowed to flirt with other men.
> 
> Yes, you obviously need to break it down this clearly because if not, you'll buy 'well we didn't SAY. She wasn't allowed to blow the football team...'
> 
> 
> 
> Get therapy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*JCD*


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

:slap:

OMG, did I call it or what? Even the point where he 'put his foot down' and 'drew a line in the sand'!

imjustlost:
I'm NOT gonna say you DESERVE the way you get treated, because you DON'T. It is, however, NO LONGER A MYSTERY *WHY* you get treated the way you do.

When this one is through with you, the next one will cheat on you, too.

Good luck, and get into therapy.


----------



## JCD

Jonesey said:


> *JCD*


Well I'm not exactly sure how to take that Jonesy except to warn you I'm already married and into chicks... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DayDream

What a waste of time...


----------



## JCD

Now now! I tell my kids that everyone is an example we can learn from. Some of them are BAD examples. The trick is to know which is which and is complicated by the fact that any person can be both.

This is what we call 'developing judgment'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farside

Malaise said:


> OK so your wife is friends with an ex.
> 
> Would you be fine if she and he vacationed together?


I never would have said yes.


----------



## Madman1

Oh come on! Op knows what this is all about and its clear to me to.

This is a support forum, if this is what he wants that is his choice, He is learing some important lessons here, who knows maybe his cheating sbexwife kept his nuts in a lock box and he is learning to make his lines clear.

This may just be a stop along the way for both of them, but if he learns to make clear boundaries and she learns some respect, and they have some hot sex in the meantime, why are you all so sour grapes.

Even if she did shag the ex it may not be that big a deal to the op considering the above, this might be good therapy,-HEAL BROHER!!-

Who knows but they may go on and learn from this and become a committed couple or they may just keep commiting copulation, chill and quit the name calling and sarcasm.

You cant live your life through this guy.



warlock07 said:


> I feel that a lot of the comments in last few pages are unnecessary and immature. We do not even know this girl and what she is in real life.


----------



## Malaise

farside said:


> I never would have said yes.


Granted, he should have raised a stink about it. That's his big mistake.

Her mistake, if it was a mistake, was to vacay with an ex. That was a line she should have known never to cross. 

Was she that naive to think invitng her ex was to be seen as innocent? I think not.

And I'll say it again : OP screwed up by not getting very loud and very pissed off when he heard who was going. he reacted badly and passively.


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## hunkydorey

Why do I have the urge to tell the OP to wake up and grow a pair? Maybe it's because I see some of the "old me" in his behavior? The same things my horrible excuse of a person ex did the same things to me. Always lying about how she spent time with other men and how she didn't do anything, when caught how it was only once and then only twice and then only twice in our house but only once at his work......all the lies and I was so desperate to be with her that I convinced myself that she was being honest. Dude.....WAKE THE EFF UP!!!!!!!!!


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## keko

Stop feeding the troll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

farside said:


> "The deal breaker was her going at all."
> 
> *She asked.* You can't break up with someone for doing something you gave them permission to do.
> 
> *You are getting close. The fact she even asked is the deal breaker.*
> 
> "The big issue is her continued relationship with her EX.....Moreover even if this guy was not an EX but just some guy that has not already been having sex with her over the long haul, it is still absurd for her to be going on vacation with this other guy.
> 
> *Its too big a world to expect that people won't have relationships and friendships with members of the opposite sex (including exes).* One of my wife's friends is an ex and she sees him regularly (I am friendly with him as well but not as close).
> 
> *This IMO this is very very weak. There are way too many better options out there. I am sorry for you that your wife sees her EX regularly. I really am.*
> 
> He's a guy she was friends with long before they dated, they dated for a year, broke it off and they remained friends. Its a 15 year relationship one of which involved them being romantic. We have talked about it and I trust her completely. We joked around and looked at facebook and found that I was "friends" with two of my exes and she was friends with 2 of hers. Friendship with members of the opposite sex does not equate to infidelity or sex.
> 
> *It translates especially in this case to unfaithfullness. I hear your agenda, I really do. You are comfortable with a much more liberal boundary. Enjoy.*
> 
> There are a lot of assumptions in a lot of these responses.
> 
> *The assumption is that they are really GF / BF and that they agreed to be exclusive. I frankly do not see any real evidence of this.*
> 
> OP: If you pull the trigger, don't let it be based on an assumption.


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## Jonesey

JCD said:


> Well I'm not exactly sure how to take that Jonesy *except to warn you I'm already married and into chicks...*  Damn, just my luck
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Posted it,because you some time have such a way with word´s.
To get to point thru.


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## Jonesey

farside said:


> I never would have said yes.


Why not? You had no problem with your wife´s ex.


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## Jonesey

OP

Is this something you "forgive"and want to move on. Because of embarrassment you think you will feel, and from other´s by being cheated on twice?


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## Entropy3000

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree with this. seems like a generational thing too since it seems a lot of 20 something women do it.
> 
> I wonder what men think of this....and broken down by age.


I think it is more about expereince than just simply generational alone. A combination of things no doubt. 

But perhaps younger men have been trained by today's society to play a more submissive role and that they are not to be assertive. We see this a lot. The old, do not listen to your gut feelings. Do not be jealous, insecure or controlling type thing. A woman's body is her own and she can do with it what she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants and that she can share it as she pleases and you as a man have to accept her as she is and not expect to be her only man. She gets to have her BFs and you should be grateful for whatever is thrown your way. Many men see this for what it is and choose to have better boundaries and be comfortable being a man. For some it takes real life experience before they realize that they have been duped. Many men think this is the way to attract women after all. That if they play this game they will be rewarded by being a Nice Guy as a opposed to a good guy with boundaries.

Also though there are folks who play things a certain way on the internet as it is entertainig for them.


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## Entropy3000

WyshIknew said:


> Don't think anyone has pointed this out yet.
> 
> She was in the picture yes? Unless she used an exposure timer somebody took that photograph, I assume it was the ex.
> 
> Now call me nasty and devious if you like but if I was the ex and I harboured some resentment over imjustlost humping my ex I would take great pleasure in taking a photograph which included the bed that perhaps an hour go I boned her good and hard in. And knowing that imjustlost might see the pic. I wouldn't be able to resist smirking every time I saw him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Agreed. he was marking his territory. The picture was her and a bed. The fact they were in the room together is absurd. Them sharing a room together is laughable. Which makes this thread seem unreal.


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## NextTimeAround

Entropy3000 said:


> I think it is more about expereince than just simply generational alone. A combination of things no doubt.
> 
> But perhaps younger men have been trained by today's society to play a more submissive role and that they are not to be assertive. We see this a lot. The old, do not listen to your gut feelings. *Do not be jealous, insecure or controlling type thing. A woman's body is her own and she can do with it what she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants and that she can share it as she pleases and you as a man have to accept her as she is and not expect to be her only man. She gets to have her BFs and you should be grateful for whatever is thrown your way. *Many men see this for what it is and choose to have better boundaries and be comfortable being a man. For some it takes real life experience before they realize that they have been duped. Many men think this is the way to attract women after all. That if they play this game they will be rewarded by being a Nice Guy as a opposed to a good guy with boundaries.
> 
> Also though there are folks who play things a certain way on the internet as it is entertainig for them.


some sad ironies here.

1) women have as much to lose as to gain from this kind of thinking. For every woman who gains advantage, by effectively playing some guy (s), a woman is losing out before she doesn't have the full commitment of this guy who is so determined to appear open minded and remain "friends" wih his ex.

2) it's interesting a how a woman in the vacationer's position can easily call foul on the guy, either guy in this situation. I was amazed to see the texts in which my fiance's EA accused him of leading her on because he refused to make another date with her......even after he paid a GBP127 bar tab for her and her friends and then rejected a kiss from him.

He was even telling me that he felt like he was leading her on. Uh, no, no no, you have to renounce that sentiment if you want me to stick around.

Both women and men should do what they can to avoid /resist / minimise this kind of behavior.


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## costa200

Meh... Now, was this some weak sh!t or what? Dude just taught his girlfriend that she can do whatever she wants, she only has to offer sex and all is ok. 

OP, you apparently like to be with women who sleep with other guys. That's fine! But next time please avoid having people wasting time over it. If you want to discuss that lifestyle there are specialized boards for that. This ain't it. 

Anyway, i'm calling troll thread!


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## JCD

Nah. He's a guy thinking with his ****. She is hotter than his trade in so he will keep his eyes half shut so the blow jobs continue.

Denial is a river in all 50 states
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Apparently, OP is under the impression they are in an EXCLUSIVE GF/BF relationship.

SHE, however, is under the impression that they're in a FWB relationship. 

Probably the whole multi-generational thing!


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## Entropy3000

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Apparently, OP is under the impression they are in an EXCLUSIVE GF/BF relationship.
> 
> SHE, however, is under the impression that they're in a FWB relationship.
> 
> Probably the whole multi-generational thing!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## A Bit Much

imjustlost said:


> We talked for a few hours. She didn't gaslight. She didn't get defensive. She kept apologizing for putting me in that situation.
> She understood why I was angry and didn't think I was acting unreasonably. I abandoned the dumping, and instead set boundaries that should have been set before the trip. She agreed with my boundaries and thought they were reasonable.
> Then we had makeup sex, and it was amazing.


A blind man could have seen this play out exactly like you wrote it. 

Sex trumps all common sense and logic, and you sir are definitely an all day sucker for it. Good luck with the divorce and the subsequent remarriage, I somehow suspect that's where this one is going.


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## PM1

I hope he wore a rubber, because you sure don't know if the ex BF did


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## DayDream

PM1 said:


> I hope he wore a rubber, because you sure don't know if the ex BF did


So how many people do you think he inadvertantly slept with then when she got back?


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## Broken at 20

Normally, I'd post a very confrontational post, asking how many of your brain cells you killed when you were binge drinking in depression while your girlfriend got boinked by her ex on the vacation. 
Or how it feels having a mind movie marathon everynight when you look at your girlfriend. 
Or how much you got for selling your self-respect. 

But instead of doing that, I am going to place a wager:
$100 this guy will be back with a similar situation by spring break of 2013. Any takers?


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## keko

Depends which brand of blinders he's got. Some tend to blind for years while others have lifetime guarantee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack29

I want to give the OP just a little bit of credit not because he did the right thing but because i know that dumping a girlfriend like that is not as easy as everybody thinks.

I was in his position a couple of months back and what you're mainly thinking is: shes a b!tch but i'll stay with her just a while longer and than go my own way and the while longer just keeps getting longer and longer. You have moments when she texts the ex or flirts with other guys that you absolutely hate and your self esteem drops on the floor but when its only you and her and you have a good laugh and good sex and she's probably not a bit boring but makes every moment together count, well I mean its not that easy right?


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## MrK

You have got to be kidding me.

I kept seeing this thread stay alive, and I'm thinking "leave this guy alone. He dated a tight little trophy for a while, realized it was a mistake and he moved on".

But I can't believe this. She planned to go on a vacation for WEEKS with an ex and didn't tell him about it. Planned for the two of them to stay in the SAME ROOM for weeks and didn't plan on telling him about it. Comes back and says "oh, yeah. i guess I see how you maybe could have misinterpereted it". Then she screws him and everything is OK now? Did the OP even read that post about vacation sex?

Where am I? What year is it? Am I still on Earth?


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## DayDream

Jack29 said:


> ...well I mean its not that easy right?


:nono::whip:


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## JCD

Jack29 said:


> I want to give the OP just a little bit of credit not because he did the right thing but because i know that dumping a girlfriend like that is not as easy as everybody thinks.
> 
> I was in his position a couple of months back and what you're mainly thinking is: shes a b!tch but i'll stay with her just a while longer and than go my own way and the while longer just keeps getting longer and longer. You have moments when she texts the ex or flirts with other guys that you absolutely hate and your self esteem drops on the floor but when its only you and her and you have a good laugh and good sex and she's probably not a bit boring but makes every moment together count, well I mean its not that easy right?


If it's easy, it's almost invariably wrong.


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## The Middleman

I would like to think that the OP isn't so naive that he's really emotionally attached to this woman. I hope that he's in this relationship right now for the sex and maybe some companionship. Sort of like a friends with benefits situation. If not, then he is defiantly going to have to deal with another cheating woman in his life.


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## PM1

DayDream said:


> So how many people do you think he inadvertantly slept with then when she got back?


 :scratchhead:
Well...let's see. There's the ex, then everyone he has slept with, and I guess everyone they slept with, and then...It goes on exponentially. Heck, if each person only had two, it goes up so fast, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64...Yikes!


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## Malaise

JCD said:


> If it's easy, it's almost invariably wrong.


It's not easy when it's hard


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## Madman1

Quit it youre making me blush!


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## coupdegrace

I'm a bit late to this party, but any woman (or man) that would go on a vacation without you, and with their ex cannot and should not be trusted. This behavior shows a blatant lack of respect, no matter what happened on the trip.


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## Madman1

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! This thread will never die!

He has dumped his POS cheating wife found a sweet young thing who turns out to be boundary-less and he took her back because the sex is great. Is that a problem? He knows the score.

She is basically a live in one night stand-perfect!

Just cut her lose before she turns 40 because she is gonna be a cougar with a major MLC.

She no doubt is enjoying a more experienced hand and he is living the dream, let them be.

If I knew then (at 20) what I know now I could have rocked their worlds, 

Less fumble more jungle! Now I can make that *****cat purrrr, rock on man!


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