# Is she cheating, or did she?



## Ben Connedfussed

I need advice. I need to say somethings about myself. First I am suspicious by nature. Secondly, I have been depressed before and have had trust issues. These were mostly my head problem and my insecurities. I realized that. I am in my second marriage. I am my wife's third husband. We moved to another town because of her job. I am unemployed. She pays all finances and does not complain... ever. We live comfortably, I would say. Last June something was bothering me. I could not place my finger on it. Then in September I noticed my wife had bruises on her thighs and calves. They appeared to be hand prints from having rough sex. They were not from me. She did not even know she had them until I pointed them out. She at once become defensive and said I should not accuse her of cheating. This was a red flag. Since there has been heated arguments, and emotional turmoil for us. There was a period of emotional distance also. There has been a quantity of sex, but not quality. I have all but became unable to climax with her. She also seemed to have changed. I seem not to please her as before this period of time. She insist that she has done nothing wrong. We tell each other we love one another daily, and kiss and hug as normal. Things have got somewhat better as far as the fights, but there is still harsh wording. I tried marriage counseling, but she was not interested. We have issues over our families that are not resolved. I doubt they will be. The time in question with the bruises, and the emotional distance worries me that something did go on. She was away from work several days prior to the bruises, so that haunts me also. She chalks it up to my insecurities. I have a gut feeling there is more. Counseling for myself made matters seem worse, also. During this time, she changed on a physical level. Without being too graphic, I must say around this time in question she was much 'looser' and this is an issue. She has been in menopause for 18 months now, too. Can anyone give me insight into all this. I really love her, and cherish her. However, I do not want to be with a cheater. I want to believe she loves me, and is in love with me, and would not do this sort of activity. Any input would be helpful. Thank you. Ben Connedfussed!


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## Posse

You could be the most insecure person in the world, but the handprints speak for themselves.


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## Ben Connedfussed

TI believe something did go on, and she will never tell me. I over reacted, and now, it will be harder to get to the truth. I am not rash in action and am trying to overcome the pain. I feel like I am going through the stages of accepting death, and trying to gain trust again. Anymore insight into what I should direct my attention at now?


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## keko

First you need to get a job.

Second, can you monitor her emails/texts/call logs?


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## Chaparral

What have you done to investigate? Do you think she had a onenight stand or is having a continuing affair?

What does away from work mean?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

She could have been raped, or also taken advantage of sexually at work. If she doesn't want to talk, then you will never know what happened. The basic question is how do you feel? Would you be okay with never knowing if things could move towards more intimacy? If you are distrustful by nature, and they do, you need to come to terms with your distrust, and realize that even in the most secure relationship, you are still going to feel shaky. Now that perhaps the worst has happened, where do you feel like going, given that you have trust issues, where would be a good place to go? Maybe you could start with trusting yourself, that tends to alleviate the need for trust in others. Although, ideally, you should be able to trust your spouse, I'd have to say it would be a very rare and special couple that has 100% trust. The reason is that mental illness happens, and when it does, it can change behavior...if couples always trusted each other, we would have no fallback with keeping an eye out for each other. That would be bad. If you are truly on your wife's side, no matter what, you need to communicate that to her. But if you want to let your trust issues divide you, realize you will always play the role of interrogator and she will always play the role of suspect. It's likely this will be the way your future relationships play out as well, so you might as well make some kind of effort to come to terms with identified issues and at least get that out of this relationship, even if you think you will move on. Make it a learning/growing effort and don't worry too much about the outcome right now. It sounds like you would need employment before having choices. Or at least be on some kind of discussion basis with the wife regarding negotiating the end of your relationship, unless you have assets that are yours and yours alone. You are not in a position to fully express your distrust, and perhaps that is an issue. If I were in that position, I wouldn't even trust myself, because it's a really poor place for any adult to be.


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## Ben Connedfussed

One night stand, or maybe more. There were more bruises over a couple of months. And she claimed they were not bruises. Second, she was not at work for an hour a couple of days before the bruises showed up. She is never, or was never away from work that long. The bank is two minutes away, and town is so small, a deposit takes five minutes at most. I believe she hooked up for a quickie and I don't know before that, but started with the gut feeling bothering me. I am confused.Just do not know why she would be gone that long. I have went before with her, and it do never take over 15 minutes to get there and back to work. This is haunting me. Some have said it does not take all day to hook up. It is a very small community.


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## keko

If she hasn't done her laundry you could do a semen test on her underwear.


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## Ben Connedfussed

I doubt it was rape, and could not happen at her job. Yes, I need employment. It also affects me, and my esteem. I believe she had/ has been having a short affair and I sense it in some way, the gut feeling, plus at the time I felt she was not doing this anymore, a silver truck started coming around, watching my house, and even threw something at our house, yelling an obscenity... 'Yo ho!' That went on for three months and is stopped. I believe it was a disgrunted lover. See, it is strange, but true!


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## keko

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I doubt it was rape, and could not happen at her job. Yes, I need employment. It also affects me, and my esteem. I believe she had/ has been having a short affair and I sense it in some way, the gut feeling, plus at the time I felt she was not doing this anymore, a silver truck started coming around, watching my house, and even threw something at our house, yelling an obscenity... 'Yo ho!' That went on for three months and is stopped. I believe it was a disgrunted lover. See, it is strange, but true!


You can't know it without gathering evidence can you?


Can you check her texts/emails/call logs without her knowing?

I didn't mean to insult you about getting a job, but as a man if you depend on a woman it is very likely she'll have zero respect for you.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Good point keko. Her laundry seemed not normal but was not thinking clearly. I said I over reacted and should have laid low with some investigating, and do not know if it will be harder now, because she is onto me. But she is trying to show me she is accountable. It does make me feel guilty, but she seems to want to show me her transparency. She was not that way before.


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## keko

Act normal, as if nothing happened. Lay low until you can go through her stuff to rule out or confirm an affair.

Which phone does she have?

If any of her panties have "manly" stain on them, hide them for semen test.


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## Chaparral

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Thats the blog,, get the book (available online)


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## Ben Connedfussed

To keko, no insult about the job. She is clean on emails, no computer use or text. But she has a number under her daughters name that is registered in our town. Her daughter lives in another city, and when I have called the number, only get a pre-recorded message. My wife says sh, her daughter only uses the phone for texting. I am confused about this as well. Do you see why I am so concerned. But the text seem harmless, nothing ever out of context. But why is it registered here. It does not seem correct. How do you think about that one??? Your suggestions are already in place. I am planning it just that way. Thank you for your support and input!


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## keko

Did you ever see her daughter use that phone?


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## Ben Connedfussed

No, I have not. And I do not know why it is registered in our town. My wife has told me she will have her daughter use a landline hence forth. But always from strange or different numbers. I check. The one phone, a cell was the only one really in question. Still more strange to me. I got to think her daughter is someway involved. Maybe my insecurities, but her daughter is a major intimacy breaker for my wife and I. She has cause so much strife between us. She does not like me!


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## keko

Look in your wife's purse, nightstand, etc. to see if she is hiding a phone. Most of the time cheaters will use a burner phone and will keep it turned off hence leading straight to vm.


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## Chaparral

Do you have access to "daughters" phone? Can you see the usage of it on the phone bill in order to see if texts are being deleted?

Does she have any medical conditions that would make her suseptible to bruising?

Having a phone just to text sounds like BS. That phone is in your wifes possesion? Do you know where the phone is? Could another man actually have the phone?


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## Chaparral

I think you need to have a VAR in her car.


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## PBear

So number one, there's plenty of ways to communicate with a cell phone that don't leave a trail. Games that allow messages and apps like Skype come to mind. At best, you'd see an increase in data usage, but no more so than listening to an Internet radio station.

Second, the only way you'd catch semen in her underwear is if she had unprotected intercourse with her. There's a reasonable probability that they would use protection of some sort.

Basically, my point is that it's very difficult to prove that someone isn't cheating. You can't rely on any single test to say "whew! Glad I was wrong on that!". Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed

Keko, checked those items, nothing. Nightstand and all clean. The cell phone is clean. I have online access. No unusual text. To Chapparal, you are right, need one. VAR could be the awnser. To PBear, she has no need for protection. She is past that. Condom lubes I can smell amile away, and allegic to latex. If she was having the sex, I believed it was unprotected. If it is going on now, he must be withdrawing, and they are careful. If they are having the affair, they wouldn't care about that, I don't believe. She has been really loose at times there. I must say, why I am really suspicious. Plus all the other things. My main concern is could I be getting carried away with this. I feel crazy. I hear the spouses want you in that frame of mind. But I have seen everything I have talked about and it is real to me. Thanks for everyones input. The VAR is really my next step, and a psa detection kit! Thanks to all!!!


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## keko

Is she ever coming late from work? Or working on nights/weekends? Long lunch breaks? Anything out of the usual? New sexy clothing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

chapparal said:


> I think you need to have a VAR in her car.


Agree. Aly low and act unconcerned.If sheis cheating and you sleuth correctly, you willfind out. It takes time.
Fastest results can come from a good PI.


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## Ben Connedfussed

She uses uniforms. She got hair cut shorter, and some new underwear last September. No frills, though. No long lunch breaks, and she is transparent now meaning... she accounts for her time. No time out, she usually likes it easy after work. That is why I believe it was going on when I really was not suspecting anything beforehand. I believe she wanted some fun, have her cake and eat it, too. And took the time out in the early am or during those banking hours. I live two minutes from the work site, I keep the eye out hoping to see something. After the bruises stopped appearing, she became transparent. But I keep going back to the bruises and emotional detachment. That what stands out, along with this mysterious vehicle hanging aroung my house. So strange to me. We do not even know anyone her, after almost a year.


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## Ben Connedfussed

I agree BigLiam. It will take time now, because she knows of my suspicions. But I am a firm believer with time, the truth comes forward. That is why I am being careful and not to do anything rash or stupid. Just want to know so I can leave with a clean conscience, albeit, I love the woman. With her for 18 years and that would be a big change, but a deal breaker is a deal breaker. If she has done it once, she will again, I believe.


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## keko

Ok, lay low and play it cool for a whille.

Place a VAR in her car and one in the house if she is ever alone in it.

If she uses a computer install a key logger so you can find deleted or secret emails.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz!

Do you know everyone at her job....men especially? High probability its a coworker or customer/supplier type.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Probably coworker not. A customer, yes, she met through the place, or a supplier possibly. I am keeping that eye out!


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## BigLiam

I guess the obvious question is how did she explain the bruises?

It troubles me that ,when you inquire, she became so irate and defensive. An innocent person takes time to explain, non-defensively.
Also, the changes you point out coinciding with your inquiry are verysuspicious.
I think, instinctively we know that when we make an inquiry such as you did, an innocent, loving spouse goes all out to explain and put your mind at ease. 

I deal a lot woth cops/detectives. If they get the type of reaction you describe from a suspect, they know they are on to something.


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## Ben Connedfussed

BigLiam, this is true. It is what runs through tthe mind often. She said something droped on her leg after her initial irate speech about not accusing her of cheating. I stated this to be a red flag. And she has acussed me of such. I just sit her down, tell her, "Dear, (wth a nice smile and look her in the eyes, speaking softly) you are my wife. I love you with my heart. You are on my mind. There is no other I need, for I am happy with you or would not be here." And yes, her actions showed a very suspicious nature, whether I have insecurities or else. It is the primary thing I consider to show something is amuck. If my spouse were insecure, I loved her, I would do all to show her tender mercy, understand, and prove without request, to show that I was there for her and only her. I did not get that. Get my meaning. Point... how can something fall on your leg and leave thumb and finget size bruises on your inner legs, the outer legs, and front, back of calves. No medical condition either.


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## BigLiam

You've been gaslit, Ben. Fortunately, you have just a little too much candlepower, intellectually.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Big Liam, I appreciate the input, but seem to have misunderstood your post. I feel you are telling me something, however the meaning is not fully grasped by me. Could you please clarify? Thank you!


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## Kallan Pavithran

Ben Connedfussed said:


> BigLiam, this is true. It is what runs through tthe mind often. She said something droped on her leg after her initial irate speech about not accusing her of cheating. I stated this to be a red flag. And she has acussed me of such. I just sit her down, tell her, "Dear, (wth a nice smile and look her in the eyes, speaking softly) you are my wife. I love you with my heart. You are on my mind. There is no other I need, for I am happy with you or would not be here." And yes, her actions showed a very suspicious nature, whether I have insecurities or else. It is the primary thing I consider to show something is amuck. If my spouse were insecure, I loved her, I would do all to show her tender mercy, understand, and prove without request, to show that I was there for her and only her. I did not get that. Get my meaning. Point... *how can something fall on your leg and leave thumb and finget size bruises on your inner legs, the outer legs, and front, back of calves. No medical condition either*.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

It may have been OM ****, fell between her legs.


(sorry for the laugh, but i am helpless) How many ways are there to make BS crazy by a cheater. We need to educate ourself.


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## Shaggy

Yeah I think she very possibly did.

Did the sex she likes change? Does she now like it rough?

Canyou get the phone records for back at that time from the phone company and see if a number appears and then stopped.

Is she into bondage or spanking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't think bruises alone are proof of cheating. I bruise so easily, even when my dog steps on my leg, I bruise.

You need more solid proof. By accusing her, your destroying your marriage without proof.


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## lordmayhem

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I don't think bruises alone are proof of cheating. I bruise so easily, even when my dog steps on my leg, I bruise.
> 
> You need more solid proof. By accusing her, your destroying your marriage without proof.


So you get hand-shaped bruises on your thighs and calves?

If this was a domestic violence situation, that alone would be enough for a conviction. Slam dunk for the prosecutor.


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## Shaggy

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I don't think bruises alone are proof of cheating. I bruise so easily, even when my dog steps on my leg, I bruise.
> 
> You need more solid proof. By accusing her, your destroying your marriage without proof.


Think the problem is they were hand prints, she didn't have problems bruising like that before, they went away, but new ones appeared again, and then after their roughy patch the finally stop appearing.

Basically they had never been around before, they keep reappearing during the rough bit, and then they stopped appearing and didn't return. The implication being the guy she was with them had a particular move he liked to use on her.

... To OP, have you tried reproducing the marks on her during sex and seeing his they appear and how she responds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed

I agree !


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## Ben Connedfussed

To all concerned and reply... Thanks. I am not the run of mill jo blow who thinks at a whim. I see this. It is real and know that I am not in a good position. I also would like to say... I have friends from New York to California, who always say... "Come here. Get a job and be happy." And these folks do not even know of my situation. I am only locked in by my love for this woman. Yes, Shaggy, I tried to replicate the prints. She has no disorder, and no bruising affect. I tried, believe me to bruise, other than hurt her on my part. I am not that sort of man. It would seem to me that she was with someone and 'they caught theirselves in a heated moment.' And with the bruises I saw later... more, more, and more until I told her... "Now I know something is not right." From then, the bruises are gone, she tries to act normal... I said she tries, but it is not right. I do believe she acted foolishly and as far as I am concerned, once is enough to put ya down. I am saying this because diseases are rampit... and so is adultery. And if in my prior post I said that they do not use protection, it is probably an older man and has convince her he was vascetomize, so no worry anyway! But psa test will show... Read the blog, Shaggy!


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## keko

Try to find out who the man that drove by your house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed

Kallan Pavithran said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> It may have been OM ****, fell between her legs.
> 
> 
> (sorry for the laugh, but i am helpless) How many ways are there to make BS crazy by a cheater. We need to educate ourself.


True, adultery is rampant. We need to learn early on...


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## Ben Connedfussed

I send a message to all. If marriage is an institution, let it be. But I personally think society underminds this. It is a process to undermind Goverment, State, Religion, Family, and most of all... self worth.


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## Ben Connedfussed

I think the person driving by and such was a ploy. It was probably the other mans friend, to take my eye off of the true suspect or the other man is in someway disgrunted. I do not feel the affair is in motion presently, so when someone calls an affair off, they as well are hurt. I believe 'he' is the one with the emotional attachment. LOL, cut off the dogs water, he gets mad. Talk about a man who likes sloppy seconds. I prefer not to drink after another... to speak of!


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## Sara8

Ben Connedfussed said:


> To keko, no insult about the job. She is clean on emails, no computer use or text. But she has a number under her daughters name that is registered in our town.


My husbands affair partner was sending emails from her daughter's accounts. She also instructed my husband to use a burn phone. 

I do think this type of behavior is suspicious.


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## Halien

Ben Connedfussed said:


> One night stand, or maybe more. There were more bruises over a couple of months. And she claimed they were not bruises. Second, she was not at work for an hour a couple of days before the bruises showed up. She is never, or was never away from work that long. The bank is two minutes away, and town is so small, a deposit takes five minutes at most. I believe she hooked up for a quickie and I don't know before that, but started with the gut feeling bothering me. I am confused.Just do not know why she would be gone that long. I have went before with her, and it do never take over 15 minutes to get there and back to work. This is haunting me. Some have said it does not take all day to hook up. It is a very small community.


Out of all of this, I could personally explain away everything but the truck driving by, although the phone is curious. Since it is a small community, did you ever consider trying to spot the truck for a plate number? Maybe where she works, also? I'm not recommending anything more than just getting info. Be interesting to see what your wife thought about you trying to find the owner of this vehicle..... They obviously had a reason for checking out your house.


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## Chaparral

If you feel pretty certain she did something ask her to take a polygraph. First sit her down, list all the redflags,and ask her to explain it. Then tell her the only way you willtrust her is if she takes a poly. Her reaction will tellyou how much she values you.

Don't understand the daughters phone thing. How exactly did she explain that. Can you look up the callogs on that phone? How did you find out about the phone? Do you have access to the phone? Have you asked the daughter about the phone?


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## Ben Connedfussed

A reply to a couple of comments and questions here...
Other than the bruising and emotional detachment, i.e. not communicating well with me, no good eye contact, giving vague awnsers, the truck stands out most in my mind. It was going on for about four months. I have not seen it lately. I did not have a chance to see the plates. Was always around after dusk or dark and always missed it. I checked at her work, and never saw it there. My assumption was at first she may have cut the contact and he became disgrunted. I do believe when affairs end, the OM can get quite angry. My understanding is the other person even feels jealous and rejected. With that said, I feel the OM was hoping my spouse would leave me for him. However, I think she was only in it for that little bit of extra fun on the side. I do not believe she thought being found out would be a problem. If there is truth to this situation, the OM was more than likely having an attachment forming more deeper than her, and thus became disgrunted. Prehaps he was hoping I would look at it as solid proof of her being involved and I would leave, thus getting what he wanted. Question... Could that be a mind set of someone?
The phone situation... I ask her daughter and she said it was her phone. However, no one rarely uses a phone for 'just texting' and it makes no sense why she (her daughter) would have the phone registed to this town when she lives about 50 miles away in a totally different location. 
Both of these incidents do not make any sense whatsoever, therefore they are enigmatic to my understanding. It is to my understanding that her daughter would lie for her Mother, as she does not like me. She has caused quite a bit of strife and trouble in my marriage, as do many stepchildren. This has lead to a lot of tampering with our intimacy, not just sexually, but emotionally. These things cause a chasm of rift between a couple, as we all know well, and a relationship can take only so much before total loss of love and respect occur, and thus the marriage is pretty much non-existant. Trust also is tampered with. Sad, but very true! 

I love my wife and wish this did not happen. I try to think she loves me. I am trying to move on and accept this as a likely possibility, and it won't happen again, however... I seem to have to keep a vigil on this situation and protect my interest. I feel guilt that it has lead me to having trust issues. Marriage is based on trust and as all know, the basis for any healthy relationship. I am presently not in such a position. As I stated, she would not even participate in marriage counseling. That was a red flag, also. Any input to this info... anyone?


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## Ben Connedfussed

The bruises could have been innocent, yes, but do your bruises mimic finger and thumb marks, in the exact place where someone would be handling when having sex. The bruises alone would not have been enough to cause such alarm, it was the reaction she gave. And all of the other who-do that came. At the time things were getting really heated between us and I suspected it might be over (the affair) she also went through what I could describe as withdrawal symptoms. I am very observant, and know too, she does not use drugs. This I do know for fact. After an affair ends, there is said signs of similar symptoms to withdrawal, and I saw those. A loving spouse would react with understand and tenderness when their spouse was showing insecurities, not react so violently has she did, and I have been accused of cheating. I simply laugh it off, told the person I love them and would do whatever to prove that love to them. If I had been cheating, I would assume my defense mechanisms would have kicked in and thus... fight or flight! It is Marriage Psychology101. Call me paranoid, but everything considered, I believe at the very least, it would place suspicions in anyones mind!


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## Ben Connedfussed

Shaggy, yes I came up with the same idea. This would seem to be because he likes a certain position. I call this move 'the spread and pull technique' and as any man knows, in the moment of heated passion, it can leave bruises. I used this position later, without leaving bruises, and there was no eye contact with her. She was also acting very uncomfortable with this position I was using. Two red flags!


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## keko

Try to find the other phone or at least its bill and look at common numbers called/texted. Search who that number belongs to.

If you can't find any evidence regarding the past you can only plan for the future. Start by setting up a VAR/GPS in her car. Do you have your own car? You might need it if you have to drive somewhere at the last minute.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Keko, I tried to find info on the phone... without results except it is registered in our town. The VAR, yes, working on it, as well as a GPS for the car. I told her we need one. It will give info where she is driving to, I understand. Is that true??? Do those devices store history and and allow research of where the vehicle travels. Need to research that for sure! Thanks! That is what is so weird, the phone is a catch 22 I keep returning to, also!


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## keko

*NO, DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THESE!!!!!*

You just showed her your plans :facepalm:


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## Ben Connedfussed

I talked about the GPS device long before this crazy stuff was going on. I do not suspect she would be that suspicious of getting one. They are commonly in use by everyone now. But what do you suggest, then??? Thanks for your input. She well knows I have great suspicions already. Maybe I am at the point of accepting something is going on and want to move forward hoping for a return of trust and emotional connections intact. But something tells me I need to keep that eye open. Prehaps I am trying to use motions in order to see if she will straighten up, and no more EA, but as I say, there are always unawnsered questions and she well knows I would leave with any further signs. I really do not believe she was doing this to end our marriage. I have been assured by her that she loves me, and does not want that. Many affairs go unnoticed, spouses turn a blind eye, or don't want to admit it could be going on with them. I am in no such way to think it could not happen to me, especially with what I went through. And I do believe spouses should let their mates know they are watching. But the likelyhood of being discovered is much harder. This is why I need to stay low and watch! Thank You !!!


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## keko

Go ahead with the VAR/GPS but buy them with a card she has no access to. You can even have them shipped to your friends house if you don't want to risk her seeing the package.

As for her suspicions, if she indeed is/had an affair it will slow it down until you seem to be back to "normal". Affair's are an addiction so one way or another she will go back to her old ways.


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## Ben Connedfussed

This is true, and what I wait for. It would be better to know than to be lost in the confines of uncertainty. Most affairs come to light by accident, and what I am hoping for. Vigilance is my best option. Where does the VAR get installed? Have to research! Input?


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## Machiavelli

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I talked about the GPS device long before this crazy stuff was going on. I do not suspect she would be that suspicious of getting one. They are commonly in use by everyone now.


I think you're confused about what kind of GPS device is needed. What you need is a hidden *GPS tracker*, that she is to be kept completely in the dark about.



Ben Connedfussed said:


> Where does the VAR get installed? Have to research! Input?


Hold it up against the car seat bottom springs with upholstery grade Velcro.


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## calif_hope

OMG! Don't disclose your tools and activities for finding out the truth. And most affairs don't come to light by accident, (this statement made me want to cry for you) most affairs come to light by the BS suspecting something wrong or seeing changes in their spouses (paying attention) and the investigating, with evidence - confronting, it's not a passive game; the image of an unsuspecting husband coming home unannounced and finding their wife spread eagle with the pool boy or neighbor happens mostly in the movies!

Your clumsy attempt to verify her affair will most likely result in her going deeper underground and/or actively countering the GPS.......keep your cards to yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed

Henceforth, I remain stealth in my attempt to find anything. But many here know well it is difficult to be silent. It is hard to not want to get to the truth and probably why many affairs will go undiscovered... because the hurting one will not keep or can't keep quite when the suspicions and gut feelings come about. Thank you everyone for your input!


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## keko

Start exercising, do other things to keep your mind out of what she may have done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

Machiavelli said:


> I think you're confused about what kind of GPS device is needed. What you need is a hidden *GPS tracker*, that she is to be kept completely in the dark about..



the things that people use to get step by step directions are GPS's but most won't give you info of the car was been unless you have hacking skills 

as Mach states you need a hidden GPS tracker, one that sends reports to your email


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## Ben Connedfussed

Keko, no I did not ever, as I can remember. I believe I stated this. That girl has so many dang phones anyway. Always calling from a different phone number. That is why the 'phone issue has me so dang upset.


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## Chaparral

Ben Connedfussed said:


> Keko, I tried to find info on the phone... without results except it is registered in our town. The VAR, yes, working on it, as well as a GPS for the car. I told her we need one. It will give info where she is driving to, I understand. Is that true??? Do those devices store history and and allow research of where the vehicle travels. Need to research that for sure! Thanks! That is what is so weird, the phone is a catch 22 I keep returning to, also!


I bought a phone at a nearby town so the phone got a number for that area. My next door neighbor has to call long distance to call me on my cell. To fix it I have to get a new number and that would be a pain.


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## Chaparral

There is some info here on GPS tracking:

Real Time GPS Tracking Devices For Vehicles | Gps Trackers Car System™

Your best bet is to get cell phone bills from the time in question and check the numbers she was calling texting.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Chapparal, I did get my wifes phone bill, and could not see any numbers that she was calling on that phone. I believe she would have to have another phone, which I have never seen. I did find a nokia phone pack in the garbage one day. The phone pack and plug were gone. The device to charge in a car was still in it. This was a red flag to me. But I never have saw another phone in her presence and if she has another, she has done her homework and hidden it well. Thanks for the GPS info.


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## Ben Connedfussed

I do these and keep busy. I have transportation at a whim... would not use my own vehicle to spy. If I knew for sure and obtained proof, I'd ask her, to see if she would come clean first. Then the suprise! It may have been short term because I was hot and heavy about it. She did act relieved when I acted as though the truck that was driving by must be about something else, what the heck it is, I told her it was odd, so odd, and left it at that. She did seem relieved I haven't said anything about the truck in sometime. I haven't seen it watching my house or driving by in some time now. I don't believe the affair is in motion at present. Or she decided this guy was too risky. I know people who have been caught up in affairs and still would not grant the innocent spouse a divorce without a fight. I am possibly dealing with this type. The type who wants their cake and eat it, too. They don't commit with all of the heart, still want you and do not want anyone else to have you... sssh, so messy. But I can not turn a blind eye to the things that have happened, or that I saw. I want to obtain proof. I can say then, when I leave, it will be with a clear conscience and did not act irrationally or make a lifechange that was a mistake. Does that make sense? But I have also seen spouses leave their wives and husbands for less, believe me.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

It is the gut feeling that things are not right with something that gets the innocent spouse. That constant nagging feeling. I have seen alot leave just for that reason. In the end, most were correct about their spouses being in affairs. That alone is a catch 22 for me. Thanks for your input, folks!


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## Ben Connedfussed

calif_hope said:


> OMG! Don't disclose your tools and activities for finding out the truth. And most affairs don't come to light by accident, (this statement made me want to cry for you) most affairs come to light by the BS suspecting something wrong or seeing changes in their spouses (paying attention) and the investigating, with evidence - confronting, it's not a passive game; the image of an unsuspecting husband coming home unannounced and finding their wife spread eagle with the pool boy or neighbor happens mostly in the movies!
> 
> Your clumsy attempt to verify her affair will most likely result in her going deeper underground and/or actively countering the GPS.......keep your cards to yourself!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I admit, I am a bit slack with urban terms. Could anyone shed some light to me on what 'going deeper underground' would mean in this case?


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## keko

Hiding the affair even further, nearly impossible for a rookie to find details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> Hiding the affair even further, nearly impossible for a rookie to find details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One would assume if there was good reason for the spouse to believe the affair was going on, the dishonest spouse would belly up and leave things alone. I believed this to be true, especially if the cheating spouse wanted to save the marriage. Am I terrible wrong about the way I am thinking. We are all different, but assuming I were the cheater, and my spouse found out or was suspicious, I'd be prone to stop at once if there were hopes of staying in the marriage. Any input??? I appreciate it! I love my wife and need no other to fulfill my whims, she can! Or did!!!


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## Shaggy

Some stop, some stop for a little while but rationalize a way back into it. Others simply lie and keep going. 

It's very common for it to go underground after discovery. Secret phones, secret emails etc.


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## Chaparral

Have you put a VAR in her car? What have you done besides convincing her you believed another man was bruising her?


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## Ben Connedfussed

Shaggy said:


> Some stop, some stop for a little while but rationalize a way back into it. Others simply lie and keep going.
> 
> It's very common for it to go underground after discovery. Secret phones, secret emails etc.


It would probably be an alternate phone. I believe it would be hard for me to discover it. I even cleaned the cars out last week, hoping to discover something. Zilch! I made the mistake of letting her know of my suspicions in the first place thus, making it difficult to ever find out the truth!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

chapparal said:


> Have you put a VAR in her car? What have you done besides convincing her you believed another man was bruising her?


Other than some heated discussions, there is not much I can do. I did describe the subtle changes I saw taking place in my relationship with her and felt something was not right. I explained these changes were red flags to me. If I am to find out the truth of an affair or not, I believe I have to appeared to return to a state of normal and observe any further changes. I have to lay low and keep my mouth shut. That would seem my best bet, then go from there. Any input?


----------



## Shaggy

Alternate phones need charging too. Look for a charger for a different phone, look for hiding places to charge it. Garages and behind boxes in closets are good places.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Ben Connedfussed said:


> Other than some heated discussions, there is not much I can do. *I did describe the subtle changes I saw taking place in my relationship with her *and felt something was not right. *I explained these changes were red flags to me*. If I am to find out the truth of an affair or not, I believe I have to appeared to return to a state of normal and observe any further changes.












You realize that you just told her what to avoid doing so she won't be caught by you, right? You basically just told her how to hide it better.



Ben Connedfussed said:


> I have to lay low and keep my mouth shut. That would seem my best bet, then go from there. Any input?


Yes, keep your mouth shut and observe and investigate. Its going to be more difficult now though since you pretty much showed your hand.


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## Ben Connedfussed

lordmayhem said:


> You realize that you just told her what to avoid doing so she won't be caught by you, right? You basically just told her how to hide it better.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, keep your mouth shut and observe and investigate. Its going to be more difficult now though since you pretty much showed your hand.


I know. I should have done my homework. But I feel I have some great people here with the knowledge and know how to help me find the truth! One way or another!


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## lordmayhem

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I know. I should have done my homework. But I feel I have some great people here with the knowledge and know how to help me find the truth! One way or another!


Well, we all live and learn. Remember, they will slip up sooner or later. The dynamics of the affair: the yearning to be together, the thrill, the need to communicate with each other....all these factors will cause her to slip up.


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## iheartlife

Ben, chap asked you if you've installed a VAR in her car, a voice-activated recorder. They are cheap and easy to find. They start recording when a person starts talking and then stop when they stop. That saves the batteries and space on the digital chip. They can record for many hours so you can retrieve them later and listen in.

If she is using an alternate phone--and I would be SHOCKED if she is not given the evidence you say you found in the garage and her car--this is how you listen in. 

Cheaters love to talk to their partners in the car, it affords them lots of privacy and time to talk that they cannot do at home.


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## lordmayhem

iheartlife said:


> Cheaters love to talk to their partners in the car, it affords them lots of privacy and time to talk that they cannot do at home.


:iagree:


----------



## the guy

YA, AND WE TOLD WHAT TO DO AND YOU DIDN'T.

Sorry for yelling but I think you need it.

Now whats your plan?

BTW, if the VAR isn't in place now, you my as well put it on top of the dash board, or in the cup holder...she can always move it when she needs to put her coffee down. (sarcasim).

Who knows maybe Ben's accusation may put an end to *this* affair, God has a special place in his heart for him. I hope the next time around you can be a little more stealthy, so that a real change and an effective confrontation can happen, and Mrs. Ben realizes she needs IC to fix her behaviors in the marriage.

Keep in mind this is coming from the_guy and if any one knows how to screw up a marriage filled with adultory its me. If memeory serves me correctly what Ben just did, would be my #10 or #12 misstake I made in my own battles w/ my fWW.


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## Ben Connedfussed

the guy said:


> YA, AND WE TOLD WHAT TO DO AND YOU DIDN'T.
> 
> Sorry for yelling but I think you need it.
> 
> Now whats your plan?
> 
> BTW, if the VAR isn't in place now, you my as well put it on top of the dash board, or in the cup holder...she can always move it when she needs to put her coffee down. (sarcasim).
> 
> Who knows maybe Ben's accusation may put an end to *this* affair, God has a special place in his heart for him. I hope the next time around you can be a little more stealthy, so that a real change and an effective confrontation can happen, and Mrs. Ben realizes she needs IC to fix her behaviors in the marriage.
> 
> Keep in mind this is coming from the_guy and if any one knows how to screw up a marriage filled with adultory its me. If memeory serves me correctly what Ben just did, would be my #10 or #12 misstake I made in my own battles w/ my fWW.


I left a blog note saying I cleaned the cars out. It was to initially try to find something. No turn-up of such. However, I did leave a can in the whereabouts. Two days ago, I went with her in her vehicle and noticed the can out in the open. She exclaimed, "You missed something!" She has, will, and will thus continue to check her car. She is checking...(Me dumb) and this is another red flag... tells me something is amuck! All is correct in telling me that I should keep my mouth shout. While I am typing this message, the silver truck just came by and pomped. We are having problems with others, so to none my suprise. I am going to eventually throw in the towel and let her have at it. It is exhausting. But I feel she does not want to let this go. She has a lot to loose when I go.... archival manuscripts, writings of books after books, also. A lot of merchandise was built up within the years we were together. They are mine said property and she has no right to those. They have my name on them... 'those' and will not abase about the fact. I hope the future readers watch this blog and learn. Herein lies a message to all...'If a man knows that he knows, and does not react, he is not confident... give him strength." If a man does not know, instruct him, he is a rookie. If the man knows and does not 'know' that he knows...LORD help him. Thank You Everyone for your input.


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## Shaggy

And did you get the plate info on the silver truck?

Well she's looking for a VAR - so stick one under the driver's seat and a second one farther back - really far.

See if she finds the first one and says something!


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## keko

Ben Connedfussed said:


> She has a lot to loose when I go.... archival manuscripts, writings of books after books, also. A lot of merchandise was built up within the years we were together. They are mine said property and she has no right to those. They have my name on them... 'those' and will not abase about the fact.


I would HIGHLY suggest you place them in a safe or send them to a trusted family member or a close friend. You might never know when things turn ugly.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Shaggy said:


> And did you get the plate info on the silver truck?
> 
> Well she's looking for a VAR - so stick one under the driver's seat and a second one farther back - really far.
> 
> See if she finds the first one and says something!


I am not going to spend my life watching if this truck comes by so I can see the plates. I have better things to do. But the mere fact is when I notice a pomp pomp... and do look out, I can see the entrails of that same vehicle...over, over, and over again.

This is another perspective. If she is looking, she'll get tee'd off and ask me..."Why the devices?" But the mere fact that I was in my living room with the open windows (curtains) and he drove by and pomped told me what someone said is true... He has to be watching your house for something! It started again after my so called step daughter called with another feighn number. I believe it sorts of commumicating, such as... "If you signal me, I'll know when to come!" If all is true, they are underground. Let it go on my part, because this is not reality to me. Reality is I never saw, never seen and never heard anything. That is not what is true. I saw, see these things, and will continue to see this until I do what needs to be done...Wake up and smell the stink that I live with for how many months. She just gaslit me this evening... Saying this has been going on for three months. Ha! I knew it started when and how! It has been well over three months... believe me YOU!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

So anyone's input. Last week, I was just taking a walk. This has been said..."It is a small town and all talk is rampant!" Walking through the parking lot of one locale, I noticed a person I knew. He was speaking to a peron with their back to me. I heard first person say, "There's her old man now!" The other guy turned and looked at me (now almost walking up by them) The first guy stated that he heard "she was giving it away to someone else." The guy who he was talking to said, "Yes, that's what I hear, she's giving it to someone else. By the time I was in arms length, the first guy laughed and said, How stupid can you be, not to know!?" I walked pass and went to (my) house. In tears I groveled with myself. The small town with big town gossip. The first person happens to be our (my) landlords son. When we moved here, my wife always said that he (the landlord's son) was always coming in to the store and talking. I had prechance to see my wife and him together. They acted so weird. On occasions the landlord would be out of town. Guess who picked the rent up???


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## Chaparral

And did you tell her she was the talk of the town? and why didn't you ask them who they were talking about?


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## keko

Ben, you need to go out a little more and talk to these people like you know whta's going on to get more info from them. Im afraid your wife is the town tramp and you've been sleeping all along.


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## Chaparral

keko said:


> Ben, you need to go out a little more and talk to these people like you know whta's going on to get more info from them. Im afraid your wife is the town tramp and you've been sleeping all along.


I was thinking along these lines today. 

As many here will atest, a persons friends may know their spouse is in an affair and not tell them. I've heard it argued many times if it was the right thing to do. Talking about his wife where he could hear it is a common way to clue someone in although it may have been rubbing it in. It does sound like something a man would do to keep from actually ratting someone out.

It sounds like what she is/has done is common knowledge.

I think there are two approaches I would consider.

I would start going down my list of friends and start asking them what I have been hearing and what they know. If someone thinks theOP knows they are not ratting anyone out.

The other option is to tell OP's wife that the two men he heard talking (or someone more likely) told him she was having sex/an affair with someone but wouldn't tell him who it was. If she won't tell him what is going on, I would tell her I am going to call everyone we know and find out what the hell is going on. And then, if she stalls I would do it.

If what two guys were talking about is true, she has made him the laughing stock of town. Or they may not like him and are spreading rumors. 

I would also get a cheap surveilance camera and track down the silver pickup.

Or just find a newer better model................wife.


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## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> I would HIGHLY suggest you place them in a safe or send them to a trusted family member or a close friend. You might never know when things turn ugly.


This point is already covered. She can never get her hands on them. I did that right, at least!


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## Ben Connedfussed

chapparal said:


> And did you tell her she was the talk of the town? and why didn't you ask them who they were talking about?


Because when I heard this, the shock of hearing this dazed me. Needless to say, but that was my worse day thus far. Yes, I let her know what I heard, maybe another mistake? Her reply was, "You believe everything you hear, and that is stupid!" Me, I told her that this was a wake up call and I can no longer be ignorant. I further told her she was playing me the fool. Her gaslighting has no affect on me. I know what I see and hear. I have to lay low and in stealth mode.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> Ben, you need to go out a little more and talk to these people like you know whta's going on to get more info from them. Im afraid your wife is the town tramp and you've been sleeping all along.


I would not say she is the town tramp, however I do believe she carried on the affair and this man is chasing after her now. Hence the silver truck. But otherwise you seem to agree with me that there is a great likelyhood from my observations and things I have heard that something is going on. At least someone in helping me, I don't feel as though I am alone in my cause to find out the truth or try to understand why I am seeing these things if nothing is going on. My counselor calls all these things 'substantial evidence' but that is why I am here to see what others have to say about my observances. Are all of these things noted in my blog just examples of 'substantial evidence' or red flags? I need input.


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## keko

Is your counselor from the same town?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Is there a reason not to start asking your friends about what they have heard? Go back to the guys you heard. It may be awkward but how awkward is this. She isn't even lying well.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

chapparal said:


> I was thinking along these lines today.
> 
> As many here will atest, a persons friends may know their spouse is in an affair and not tell them. I've heard it argued many times if it was the right thing to do. Talking about his wife where he could hear it is a common way to clue someone in although it may have been rubbing it in. It does sound like something a man would do to keep from actually ratting someone out.
> 
> It sounds like what she is/has done is common knowledge.
> 
> I think there are two approaches I would consider.
> 
> I would start going down my list of friends and start asking them what I have been hearing and what they know. If someone thinks theOP knows they are not ratting anyone out.
> 
> The other option is to tell OP's wife that the two men he heard talking (or someone more likely) told him she was having sex/an affair with someone but wouldn't tell him who it was. If she won't tell him what is going on, I would tell her I am going to call everyone we know and find out what the hell is going on. And then, if she stalls I would do it.
> 
> If what two guys were talking about is true, she has made him the laughing stock of town. Or they may not like him and are spreading rumors.
> 
> I would also get a cheap surveilance camera and track down the silver pickup.
> 
> Or just find a newer better model................wife.


I have came to the same conclusions as appear on this post. There is a possibility that the two men were playing a 'mind game' but I have to talk with the one.

And yes, I have observed that men operate in this fashion. They let you overhear the comments so you can be alerted, but not a 'face to face' conversation. Not an especially good idea, from where I stand.

The question lies as to whether a friend would tell on the guilty spouse. Some do believe if they tell and bring the guilty party out, it would end with divorce. The person may feel they have caused the divorce. I would personally want to know the truth. The affair would be the reason for the divorce, not the revealing of it!

From where I stand, I would be rather indecisive in telling. I don't know if I would do it openly. I would want to hurt no one per se in such a manner, but may go the route of exposing the affair in an undisclosed manner.

The terms 'whoring around' and 'laughing stock of the town' came to me!!!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> Is your counselor from the same town?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he is not. He thinks I should take the complacency route, from what I hear him say with such things like, "At least she comes home to you and is with you. You are the one she loves." But I can't see that a spouse who will cheat really loves their marriage partner. It is contradictory of marriage and vowels. And my wife knows if I did hear it from her that she cheated, it would BE definitly the end of our marriage!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

chapparal said:


> Is there a reason not to start asking your friends about what they have heard? Go back to the guys you heard. It may be awkward but how awkward is this. She isn't even lying well.


No reason not to. It is warranted because of what I heard!


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## Chaparral

Ben Connedfussed said:


> No, he is not. He thinks I should take the complacency route, from what I hear him say with such things like, "At least she comes home to you and is with you. You are the one she loves." But I can't see that a spouse who will cheat really loves their marriage partner. It is contradictory of marriage and vowels. And my wife knows if I did hear it from her that she cheated, it would BE definitly the end of our marriage!


OMG, you have the wrong counselor if he thinks this is all you can hope for.


----------



## Shaggy

Ben Connedfussed said:


> No, he is not. He thinks I should take the complacency route, from what I hear him say with such things like, "At least she comes home to you and is with you. You are the one she loves." But I can't see that a spouse who will cheat really loves their marriage partner. It is contradictory of marriage and vowels. And my wife knows if I did hear it from her that she cheated, it would BE definitly the end of our marriage!


You need to dump this counselor immediately. Any counselor who advises someone to accept their spouses cheating so long so they come home afterward, is a horrible counselor.

Seriously - he actually said for you to accept the cheating and learn to be happy she comes home?


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## Shaggy

Do you have any friends of your own in town you can get help from? Someone who can listen to the talk and who can find out who she is meeting with? If it's common knowledge she's cheating, the friend should be able to find out.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

I hear you and yes, got rid of him last week! My wife seemed to be happy I dropped him. But he did agree that my wife seemed distant and acted 'out of touch' when I wanted her at a meeting. I think he is a 'let's save the marriage at all cost' person. I need a 'let's save you at all cost, no matter what happens and and get you back on the road to recovery' counselor. Divorce or no divorce! I am searching!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Shaggy said:


> You need to dump this counselor immediately. Any counselor who advises someone to accept their spouses cheating so long so they come home afterward, is a horrible counselor.
> 
> Seriously - he actually said for you to accept the cheating and learn to be happy she comes home?


I will quote what he said..."The things you are saying to me seem to point to trust issues." Who would not be wondering about things with what I have went through? Furthermore he stated these symptoms were only 'substantial evidence, and no positive proof of an affair going on." When I said this is all new to me, the things I'm seeing. He stated, "You need to focus on the positive. You need to let the negative thoughts go and think differently. She still comes home to you. It proves she still loves you." Those were his exact words! Did not sound good to me. And the things I am seeing, hearing, and feeling in my gut are real. They do not appear as 'substantial' to me. My last words to him is... "Many have been lead to the gallows on substantial evidence." Substatial evidence still plays a large part in conviction... especially in cases of divorce!


----------



## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> Do you have any friends of your own in town you can get help from? Someone who can listen to the talk and who can find out who she is meeting with? If it's common knowledge she's cheating, the friend should be able to find out.


I think this is your only option now that people are openly trying to give you a heads up.


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## Shaggy

Dude, when it gets to the point of other guys talking about your wife running around - it's more that substantial evidence that you should try to ignore because you have trust issues.

Good job on ditching him. Find a new one ASAP because I fear you are going to need someone to talk too.

Find some friends and get them to hunt for you.


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## Posse

Your former counselor was a pinhead.

Ask friends to tell you what they have heard. Ask them to ask around. Ask the guys you overheard talking about you.

Get the plate of the truck, and find out who it belongs to for crying out loud. You say you don't want to waste your time on finding out about it, but you have posted about it more than a bunch of times. This is because your gut is talking to you. Listen to it!!. You know you need to find out about the truck. Why are you trying to dodge this issue?


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Posse said:


> Your former counselor was a pinhead.
> 
> Ask friends to tell you what they have heard. Ask them to ask around. Ask the guys you overheard talking about you.
> 
> Get the plate of the truck, and find out who it belongs to for crying out loud. You say you don't want to waste your time on finding out about it, but you have posted about it more than a bunch of times. This is because your gut is talking to you. Listen to it!!. You know you need to find out about the truck. Why are you trying to dodge this issue?
> 
> You either actually want to get to the bottom of this issue or you just want to complain about it. If you do want to find out what is going on, then start following the advice given to you in this thread. If you just want to complain and ignore the advice you are given, then go start a blog or something and let the people here spend their time on people who will actually use the advice they are given.


I am using their advice. I have left things lay as to return to a 'normal' state and putting a camera in place, (hidden of course) to monitor the traffic flow. I am contacting these men, or at least one. I have his phone number as of yesterday evening. Hidden GPS device coming. I have not been here that long on this site and learning. I made many mistakes before coming here and admit to my stupidity. I over reacted probably because I never thought this would happen to me. But I must say, I am not here to 'just complain' because that would be a form of COMPLACENCY and I could have that with one on one from my former counselor! The people here are also for support. I feel I need that. From what I have read here, many are here for just that, too! Otherwise they would not be asking for the support and opinions from others!


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## Shaggy

When the monitoring things are in place - go "away" on a Saturday night.


----------



## Posse

I apologize for the last paragraph in my post. I triggered on something from my past and took it out on you. Not cool. I am sorry.

I deleted it from my post to show me "taking it back". Since you quoted me, I can look at it from time to time to remind myself not to get too worked up about the never-ending sad stories in the CWI section and focus on just offering helpful suggestions from my life experiences.

I went through something similar to your situation once, and the not knowing what was going on was horrible. I didn't handle it the decisive way I should have because I didn't know any better. I don't want to see that happen for you. Triggers can sometimes come out of nowhere, and that happened to me last night.

I am glad you are working hard to get to the bottom of your situation, and are going to find out about the truck and try to find out just what is going on. Hang in there, and sorry for my @ssholiness last night.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Posse said:


> I apologize for the last paragraph in my post. I triggered on something from my past and took it out on you. Not cool. I am sorry.
> 
> I deleted it from my post to show me "taking it back". Since you quoted me, I can look at it from time to time to remind myself not to get too worked up about the never-ending sad stories in the CWI section and focus on just offering helpful suggestions from my life experiences.
> 
> I went through something similar to your situation once, and the not knowing what was going on was horrible. I didn't handle it the decisive way I should have because I didn't know any better. I don't want to see that happen for you. Triggers can sometimes come out of nowhere, and that happened to me last night.
> 
> I am glad you are working hard to get to the bottom of your situation, and are going to find out about the truck and try to find out just what is going on. Hang in there, and sorry for my @ssholiness last night.


I am not astonished, but no one ask how I could hook cameras up without anyone knowing. I do not have to ask... I already know!


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## keko

Will you place the camera in the house or the car as well?


----------



## crossbar

Christ on a Bike.......

YOU ARE THE EASIEST PERSON TO CHEAT ON!!!!!!

You're paranoid about your wife cheating. Well, if she's IS cheating she's just as paranoid about being caught! She's watching you and everything you do to figure out what you know and HOW you know. You announce EVERYTHING you're going to do. Did you seriously blog that you cleaned out the cars? If this isn't something you do on a normal basis or something that you never felt a need to blog about in the past...OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO CHECK THE CARS FOR STUFF!!!!!

You say that your going to place camera's in the house. Are you gonna blog that you dusted the entertainment center and the four corners of your bedroom?!?!?! "WOW!!! I didn't realize it was so dusty in here! Especially if you're trying to stash electronics.....OPPS!!!!"

Now, you're gonna contact some random guys about what's going on when you have absolutely NO CONCRETE PROOF!!!!! You very well may be contacting the person she's cheating with, but you have no way to actually prove it. And the ONLY thing that you've done is taught them how to hide it better and if they happen to get caught, you've now given them time to get their stories straight, come up with a viable story and have you second guessing yourself. THAT'S ALL YOU'LL be doing.

You seriously need to wise up, stop acusing and play stupid. The more suspicious you are, the better she's gonna hide it. The more you act like a clueless cuckold, the more relaxed she's gonna get and THAT'S when slip ups happen.

Personally, I think it's too late. She's is gonna have her guard up for a LONG time.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Na... I had a reply from an original post on this site, and knew I was not loosing gripes with myself. I have never had a relationship with someone I felt insecure about. I have been married for almost 18 years. It was more than likely going on throughout the... You guys and gals know. I was in a position ten years ago and called my wife. She was huffing and puffing on the phone. I ask her what the heck was wrong and she stated, "Just throwing things in the dryer." We lived in a single story apartment. Man, such work. I am just starting to tell the whole picture. There is a lot more. But no one... and I mean no one... tell me I am here to complain or else. I am like all of you...ABC's and learning. Attention, Betrayal, Complacency, Devotion, Emotion, Function, Grace, Honor, Indignity, JUSTICE, KNOWLEDGE, LOVE, mourning, numb, oblivious, putrid, QUESTIONS, REASONS, sorrow, turmoil, undone, vixed, WONDERING, XXXXXXXXXXXXX, yearning, and zilch.


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## Ben Connedfussed

crossbar said:


> Christ on a Bike.......
> 
> YOU ARE THE EASIEST PERSON TO CHEAT ON!!!!!!
> 
> You're paranoid about your wife cheating. Well, if she's IS cheating she's just as paranoid about being caught! She's watching you and everything you do to figure out what you know and HOW you know. You announce EVERYTHING you're going to do. Did you seriously blog that you cleaned out the cars? If this isn't something you do on a normal basis or something that you never felt a need to blog about in the past...OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO CHECK THE CARS FOR STUFF!!!!!
> 
> You say that your going to place camera's in the house. Are you gonna blog that you dusted the entertainment center and the four corners of your bedroom?!?!?! "WOW!!! I didn't realize it was so dusty in here! Especially if you're trying to stash electronics.....OPPS!!!!"
> 
> Now, you're gonna contact some random guys about what's going on when you have absolutely NO CONCRETE PROOF!!!!! You very well may be contacting the person she's cheating with, but you have no way to actually prove it. And the ONLY thing that you've done is taught them how to hide it better and if they happen to get caught, you've now given them time to get their stories straight, come up with a viable story and have you second guessing yourself. THAT'S ALL YOU'LL be doing.
> 
> You seriously need to wise up, stop acusing and play stupid. The more suspicious you are, the better she's gonna hide it. The more you act like a clueless cuckold, the more relaxed she's gonna get and THAT'S when slip ups happen.
> 
> Personally, I think it's too late. She's is gonna have her guard up for a LONG time.


Ben done! You are one of the few that tell me that she is possibly messing with someone we know. You must have read the entire blog or... because I think it is he... the guy who picked the rent up. Same one... see the blog. Another thing... I do not care one way or another... Just the truth. But as other persons here say... when I heard it ... not substantial truth... probably real so get prepared. She is so...


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## OldWolf57

bruises, distance, truck, strange fone, huffing and puffing, men talking, strange around son. how much more truth do you need ??


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## Ben Connedfussed

OldWolf57 said:


> bruises, distance, truck, strange fone, huffing and puffing, men talking, strange around son. how much more truth do you need ??


Not a heck of a lot more. I am just like those who wish the cheating spouse would look me in the eye and tell me, "Yeah, I cheated." I am dealing with a cake eater. When I leave, I stand to be alone for the remainder of my days. I do not think it possible to trust another woman with my heart. Twenty years ago, yes, I could muster the courage to say that I can love again... Now, No. I am too old for this crap. That is why 'this situation' is so damn crazy. The Dday was so shocking. The reality sank in and that is what I said to myself, "We are too damn old for this crap." Apparently not for some. Cheating to death do us part... Their motto!


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## lordmayhem

One of the many things I've learned from all these infidelity support forums is that it doesn't matter how old you are, or how long you've been married, you're NEVER too old to cheat. 

By the same token, that also means that you're never too old to find love again.


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## Ben Connedfussed

lordmayhem said:


> One of the many things I've learned from all these infidelity support forums is that it doesn't matter how old you are, or how long you've been married, you're NEVER too old to cheat.
> 
> By the same token, that also means that you're never too old to find love again.


Thank you Lordmayhem, for your support. It helps!


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## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> Will you place the camera in the house or the car as well?


The house, she won't be able to find it. At least it will help me find out who the truck belongs to. That seems to be a big step in getting down to this problem. An officer said he would help. I just need to get the plate number. I have believed it possible to be just a ploy to throw me off as far the real OM is.


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## daisygirl 41

Sorry to come in so late here, but if you are so sure she is cheating and there is now way you want to stay with her, why dont you just seperate, divorce and move on? Whats with all the technology?? Im sorry, i just dont get it!
Its time to 180 her and move on!
DG


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## lordmayhem

Here's something about bruising.

Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Oops! OM left a mark!


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## Cherie

Ok. I just read this whole thread and all I have to say is - WOW.
Let's make a move already. It seems like you are nearly justifying your reasons away while dragging your feet. It's inevitable. 

What did she said when you confronted her about the weird Nokia packaging in the trash?? PLEASE tell me you questioned her about that at least.

You need to find out who this man is. You're going to have to have her followed. I'm not sure what you mean when you keep referring to blogs, but I bet you anything she (untrustworthy people check up on their spouces too, even if theyre not suspicious) has probably read this whole damn thread and checks YOUR internet history. She's not going to be bringing the dude back to your place, especially since you dont have a job! Obvs the cheating is happening elsewhere. YOu need solid proof in the form or PI/Cameras at this point. Even if that means hiring the neighbor boy to follow her around for a few days in a friends car on summer break and pay him with beer, do it. I feel for you - but you're getting no where with this.


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## Shaggy

lordmayhem said:


> Here's something about bruising.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Oops! OM left a mark!


Please please someone out these evil cheating wh0res to their husbands. That thread made me feel so angry to read.


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## Shaggy

Shaggy said:


> Please please someone out these evil cheating wh0res to their husbands. That thread made me feel so angry to read.


Wait, I read more on that site. These evil women should be put out on the street and spit upon by passers by. Wow.

My views on R have taken a real down spin after reading that stuff. I think maybe every BS should visit that site when they are considering R and read the stories about the games played by those cheating #$#[email protected] after D day.


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## Ben Connedfussed

lordmayhem said:


> Here's something about bruising.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Oops! OM left a mark!


Thank you for the post reference. When I initially saw those bruises, especially being symmetrical in nature, that got the ball rolling in my mind. I was just stupid about it, and did not do my homework before I opened my mouth. I have admitted this here several times. As the folks here say... Appear to return to a normal state and lay low. There will be slip-ups I will catch now that I am on my guard. I would like proof positive so I do not look like some lunatic. I may have to play the fools part now, but if it is going on and I obtain proof positive, no one will be able to label me in the end except... "He got smarter!" and for that feel I will be a better man!


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## Ben Connedfussed

Cherie said:


> Ok. I just read this whole thread and all I have to say is - WOW.
> Let's make a move already. It seems like you are nearly justifying your reasons away while dragging your feet. It's inevitable.
> 
> What did she said when you confronted her about the weird Nokia packaging in the trash?? PLEASE tell me you questioned her about that at least.
> 
> You need to find out who this man is. You're going to have to have her followed. I'm not sure what you mean when you keep referring to blogs, but I bet you anything she (untrustworthy people check up on their spouces too, even if theyre not suspicious) has probably read this whole damn thread and checks YOUR internet history. She's not going to be bringing the dude back to your place, especially since you dont have a job! Obvs the cheating is happening elsewhere. YOu need solid proof in the form or PI/Cameras at this point. Even if that means hiring the neighbor boy to follow her around for a few days in a friends car on summer break and pay him with beer, do it. I feel for you - but you're getting no where with this.


The idea with the camera was to be able to watch traffic flow. This silver vehicle has been spotted at times watching my house, driving by and pomp pomp, etc. It is the only way to find out who the owner is and why he is doing such. It is apparent the positioning of the camera will catch what I can never... the plate number. I explained it!


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## Ben Connedfussed

Shaggy said:


> Please please someone out these evil cheating wh0res to their husbands. That thread made me feel so angry to read.


I like your comment here. I feel the very same way. Some one said to me, "If you are sure, why not just leave now?" Glad some think it all that simplistic. I have a line for some... Look at the woman who is admitting to infidelity and what others have to say. If she is doing this and staying with her husband, she does not love him, she is using him. And she is nothing but a *****. She is a low down scumb bag! Then admitting to having sex with 'dear ol' hubbie'. How shameful !


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## Ben Connedfussed

Cherie said:


> Ok. I just read this whole thread and all I have to say is - WOW.
> Let's make a move already. It seems like you are nearly justifying your reasons away while dragging your feet. It's inevitable.
> 
> What did she said when you confronted her about the weird Nokia packaging in the trash?? PLEASE tell me you questioned her about that at least.
> 
> You need to find out who this man is. You're going to have to have her followed. I'm not sure what you mean when you keep referring to blogs, but I bet you anything she (untrustworthy people check up on their spouces too, even if theyre not suspicious) has probably read this whole damn thread and checks YOUR internet history. She's not going to be bringing the dude back to your place, especially since you dont have a job! Obvs the cheating is happening elsewhere. YOu need solid proof in the form or PI/Cameras at this point. Even if that means hiring the neighbor boy to follow her around for a few days in a friends car on summer break and pay him with beer, do it. I feel for you - but you're getting no where with this.


Don't believe I made myself clear. I want the proof positive. And another thing... I have learned to keep my mouth shut. And if she is indeed checking my web history, it is to see if I am getting my game together. If she did read this thread on this site, then she well knows how I feel and that all of the things I have noticed lately are quite strange to me, and for whatever reason, feel taken in by it all. Just devastated to have suspicions, let alone RED FLAGS waving around me. If we could stop loving at a whim... there would be no hurt about love, would there???


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## bandit.45

What it boils down to is that she is hiding something. 

Married people do not hide things from each other. 

That in itself is reason to question the future of the marriage, whether she is cheating or not.


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## Cherie

Ben Connedfussed said:


> The idea with the camera was to be able to watch traffic flow. This silver vehicle has been spotted at times watching my house, driving by and pomp pomp, etc. It is the only way to find out who the owner is and why he is doing such. It is apparent the positioning of the camera will catch what I can never... the plate number. I explained it!





Ben Connedfussed said:


> Don't believe I made myself clear. I want the proof positive. And another thing... I have learned to keep my mouth shut. And if she is indeed checking my web history, it is to see if I am getting my game together. If she did read this thread on this site, then she well knows how I feel and that all of the things I have noticed lately are quite strange to me, and for whatever reason, feel taken in by it all. Just devastated to have suspicions, let alone RED FLAGS waving around me. If we could stop loving at a whim... there would be no hurt about love, would there???


I'm not sure that you undestood my post? 
I know you want to find out who is in the Silver truck...and I hope you do. I'm just saying you could find out if she is cheating by hiring a PI or having her followed. 

We certainly can't stop loving on a whim. I never said that though?? That's a good and bad thing about life and love.


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## Ben Connedfussed

bandit.45 said:


> What it boils down to is that she is hiding something.
> 
> Married people do not hide things from each other.
> 
> That in itself is reason to question the future of the marriage, whether she is cheating or not.


Once again Bandit 45, you are right on it. And correct!


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## Ben Connedfussed

Cherie said:


> I'm not sure that you undestood my post?
> I know you want to find out who is in the Silver truck...and I hope you do. I'm just saying you could find out if she is cheating by hiring a PI or having her followed.
> 
> We certainly can't stop loving on a whim. I never said that though?? That's a good and bad thing about life and love.


I understand. I thank you for your support. I only wanted to say, after looking at the things going on arond me, it is apparent something is amuck. But to make a rash decision... no. But I feel I am no longer in limbo, but do believe a life changing decision should be thought out carefully. I also stated I do not believe this crap is going on now. It is more than likely undergroung and I have to do the walk, lay low and see what turns up. I suspect something will and when it does this time around, I will be prepared with better knowledge among other things. Thank everyone for their given support!


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## keko

How is she behaving lately? Any difference in her work schedule(can you check her pay stubs)? How is your sex life?


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## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> How is she behaving lately? Any difference in her work schedule(can you check her pay stubs)? How is your sex life?


It seems to be calming down, but I have became a learned person... keep the mouth shut. No different work schedule, just usual. My experience in that department seems to be returning to a normal state ... before the period when I started getting the gut feelings... way before I saw the bruises. It does seem to be a reconnection, however not reconciliation. How can it be if I have never got clear cut explainations for all the hoo-doo that has been going on. I must remain in stealth mode if I want to find out the truth... one way or another!


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## OldWolf57

just keep your keys in your pocket at all times, and the next time the truck comes around, get in your car and follow it. If it notice you following and stop to question why you following him, tell who ever it is that you wanted to see who was coming in the area stopping an making all that noise. Have your cell ready to snap a pic of the tag. if he ask why, say just in case an leave it like that. But it might be one of his buddies trying to draw you away long enough for him to get a quickie an a chuckle with his buddies. if it was me, I would have done this long ago. In fact, the next time it happen, call the cops, an report a silver truck stopping on your street revving the motor and speeding thru the area with kids playing. It will still be in the area and the cops can find out for you who it is.


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## Shamwow

lordmayhem said:


> Here's something about bruising.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Oops! OM left a mark!


I've often seen members here mention there are "cheater" support sites, but this is the first time I've actually seen one.

Sick. Guess I'm not surprised...but the casual high-five attitude is hard to process.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Shamwow said:


> I've often seen members here mention there are "cheater" support sites, but this is the first time I've actually seen one.
> 
> Sick. Guess I'm not surprised...but the casual high-five attitude is hard to process.


I agree. I could not believe what I was reading. It only enforces the truth that we are in a horrible moral decline in our nation, in the world!!! And she admits to going home, having sex with her husband so casually. I get the feeling she is laughing loud behind her husbands back. That is not love in my eyes. THAT IS NOT LOVE! I feel for the man in this situation. All BSs really!


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## Ben Connedfussed

OldWolf57 said:


> just keep your keys in your pocket at all times, and the next time the truck comes around, get in your car and follow it. If it notice you following and stop to question why you following him, tell who ever it is that you wanted to see who was coming in the area stopping an making all that noise. Have your cell ready to snap a pic of the tag. if he ask why, say just in case an leave it like that. But it might be one of his buddies trying to draw you away long enough for him to get a quickie an a chuckle with his buddies. if it was me, I would have done this long ago. In fact, the next time it happen, call the cops, an report a silver truck stopping on your street revving the motor and speeding thru the area with kids playing. It will still be in the area and the cops can find out for you who it is.


I have been thinking along these lines, or that the truck is just a buddy who is trying to throw me off as to whom the real OM is. But if I ever have the chance to follow him, wifey will be going right along...LOL!


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## Chaparral

I grew up in a small town. I would guess the truck is being driven by someone who is making fun of you or someone your wife has been involved with in the past. I also would bet he knows who she has been with lately.

Have you asked your wife who it is and watched her for signs she is lying?


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## Ben Connedfussed

chapparal said:


> I grew up in a small town. I would guess the truck is being driven by someone who is making fun of you or someone your wife has been involved with in the past. I also would bet he knows who she has been with lately.
> 
> Have you asked your wife who it is and watched her for signs she is lying?


Yes, I let her know what I thought, which is... "This looks terribly strange. I do not see a reason for it! I am totally in the dark as to why it is going on." She told me that she did not know either. She seemed edged when I mentioned the events every time one came about. I quote her, "How the hell do I know what's going on and who the hell it is? Ask yourself!" It was the same reaction I got from her when I first told her I felt these suspicions that things were not right in someway. However, now I keep my mouth shut and lay low... waiting, just waiting! I believed it to be the other man who is disgrunted that she won't deal with him anymore, or a ploy to take my eye off of the real OM.


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## Almostrecovered

lordmayhem said:


> Here's something about bruising.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Oops! OM left a mark!


everyone say hi to Mrs. Recovered, who just called me to ask why the doc cool website is in our browser history last night (she needed to find a job related website she was on last night and was looking in the history for it). I had to link her this thread so she would understand.

hoo boy!!


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## Ben Connedfussed

Almostrecovered said:


> everyone say hi to Mrs. Recovered, who just called me to ask why the doc cool website is in our browser history last night (she needed to find a job related website she was on last night and was looking in the history for it). I had to link her this thread so she would understand.
> 
> hoo boy!!


I'm sorry. This post went straight over my head!


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## Almostrecovered

the doc cool website that LM linked is a cheaters help forum, so when my wife found it in the browser history she checked it out and got worried that I might be using it to cheat on her


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## Ben Connedfussed

Almostrecovered said:


> the doc cool website that LM linked is a cheaters help forum, so when my wife found it in the browser history she checked it out and got worried that I might be using it to cheat on her


Gotcha now. I understand. Thank you. Do not know why they have such sites. I would not need advice on how to cheat. If it were me, and had reached the point of wanting to cheat, guess I feel as though it were time to move on. And would rightly do so before cheating. But some are the cake eaters!


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## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> Please please someone out these evil cheating wh0res to their husbands. That thread made me feel so angry to read.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Once I read some where that, a forum member outed the cheating wife to the military husband who works abroad, by following her my space ID.
Is there any one here who is that much computer savy.


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## survivorwife

Ben Connedfussed said:


> The phone situation... I ask her daughter and she said it was her phone. However, no one rarely uses a phone for 'just texting' and it makes no sense why she (her daughter) would have the phone registed to this town when she lives about 50 miles away in a totally different location.


I picked up this particular comment because sometimes there is a logical explanation (for some people) 

How old is the daughter? My college aged son has a cellphone, and 99% of the time uses it for texting. He didn't even have his voice mail set up until I requested it. As for the location, he too has an "out of state" number. Why? Apparently the "other state" charges less tax. All spousal suspicions aside, the explanation in regards to my son is 100% accurate as there is no connection at all between his cell phone usage and my CS's activities.


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## qwerqwer

Dont go crazy, you may never catch her, and waste so much useful time and energy. You could use that time and energy on yourself. Listen to how you feel. If he makes you feel insecure, just move on. Handprints are a red flag. Don't put up with it. Get out.


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## Ben Connedfussed

survivorwife said:


> I picked up this particular comment because sometimes there is a logical explanation (for some people)
> 
> How old is the daughter? My college aged son has a cellphone, and 99% of the time uses it for texting. He didn't even have his voice mail set up until I requested it. As for the location, he too has an "out of state" number. Why? Apparently the "other state" charges less tax. All spousal suspicions aside, the explanation in regards to my son is 100% accurate as there is no connection at all between his cell phone usage and my CS's activities.


I see your point somewhat, but... I stated her daughter lives elsewhere and the number under her daughters name is registered in the same town we live in. Am I missing something here? No... this is the whole concept... The name is under her daughters name. The number is from our town, not my stepdaughters town. I never saw this phone in my stepdaughters hand and using it. My stepdaughter always says... oh, I forgot it!. But one time when they were coming to visit, my wife was texting 'the number' and ask where they where. 'Almost there' was the reply. When they arrived, I ask my stepdaughter if I could see the phone. "Oh, I forgot it!", she replied! Why, can you explain this situation if I am telling the truth... and yes, I am telling the truth!


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## Ben Connedfussed

qwerqwer said:


> Dont go crazy, you may never catch her, and waste so much useful time and energy. You could use that time and energy on yourself. Listen to how you feel. If he makes you feel insecure, just move on. Handprints are a red flag. Don't put up with it. Get out.


You stated that I may never catch 'her' and then 'If he makes you feels... type o or???


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## keko

Ben when was the last time you saw the phone?


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## Ben Connedfussed

I told you I never saw 'that phone' and if I see phones, I enter in and see the numbers. Never saw that phone!!!!!! Even when she was her, I texted the number and never heard a ringtone. Got no reply... No reply at all!


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## Ben Connedfussed

keko said:


> Ben when was the last time you saw the phone?


You finally got through to me... Phantom Phone. If nothing is going on... why a phantom phone, right?


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## keko

Sorry must of overlooked it.

Well its hidden somewhere but where? What kind of a workplace does your wife work at?


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## Ben Connedfussed

Just an update on things here... I have taken the advice and used the information gathered here by everyone. Wished I would have found this site before ever revealing my suspicions. It is/has been of tremendous help!

I am being quite, no more accusing, arguments and am appearing to return to the state of normal behavior.

I am monitoring the traffic flow... smiles!

I keep a vigil on RED FLAGS showing up again. There have been none since the last time I saw the truck. Since it is a mystery to me as to why it is happening, I see it as a RED FLAG, with everything else that has happened thus far.

My wife seems to show a willingness to transparency, even though she insist nothing ever happened. I have stated if I observe any more RED FLAGS, I will be gone... yesterday!

I can't say I am in limbo, because I do see hope for the future, come what may, WHATEVER comes.

I will post any further incidents and place them in the RED FLAG files.

I will then post my decisions on my actions of departure. Until then, I hold a vigil. If I return to a normal state and she slips... proof positive. I believe in time all truth comes to those who wait, and patience is something I have! 

Thank everyone for their help and support! Ben Connedfussed!


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