# I'm at my WITS END!!!



## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

Everyone please HELP! and especially men please chime in.

I already know the answer to this, but can EVERYONE please tell my H that it is NOT alright, to have his female friend, call and text 6,7,8,,20 times a day! 24/7!

She tells him when she leaves for work, when shes leaving to go home. She wants to meet up. she wants him to come over! This goes on everyday.

He thinks this isn't a problem...she's just saying hi. REALLY?

Oh and they're just friends. yeah right...

Of course I've told him this is NOT appropriate...but I'm not getting through.

I'm going to bring him on here after work or depending how late he gets home, tomorrow morning.

I would appreciate any comments anyone would like to express concerning this matter.

Please help me get through to this man!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

It sounds like she's in heat. Has she been spayed?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He thinks this isn't a problem


What is there to say to him you haven't said already? If this is his stance, he's not going to change his mind unless he wants to. If he won't hear it from you, he certainly wouldn't from complete strangers on the internet.

You're going to have to make a decision here. Bottom line.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he can read this book and STILL think what he's doing is OK, then leave him, because there's no hope that he will ever be a good husband.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

t2morgan said:


> She wants to meet up. she wants him to come over! This goes on everyday.


Does it now? So DOES HE meet up? DOES HE come over?


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Sounds like you've told him this unacceptable to you and he chooses not to take care of you or your marriage...

Time to enforce your boundaries...


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

t2morgan said:


> Please help me get through to this man!


He knows it's wrong so forget about trying to explain. The joy and power in this for a malicious spouse is watching the wife grovel and plead, pull her hair out, and grind herself into dust while you pretend it is no big deal.

So they minimize it, pretend not to understand, blame you for being over-sensitive and controlling, etc.

You stop trying to explain and start taking action. Read up on the 180 below. Don't tell him what you are doing. Just start doing it. If he wants to know, then explain calmly that his actions are unacceptable and obviously you have to prepare for the future.


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

MrK said:


> Does it now? So DOES HE meet up? DOES HE come over?


All of last year, quite frequently. This year, he's met up with her to go shopping and several times to her home. The past three weeks he has not seen her in person but has phone and text contact. All without my knowledge at the time. Only way I knew was I saw them shopping they didn't see me and by looking at his cell. Otherwise I wouldn't know.


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## MB20 (Feb 27, 2013)

Well, just ask him this. If there was a guy "friend" of mine texting me, and carrying on like that, how would that make you feel? 

I use to have a guy who was just a friend but my husband didn't like me talking to him because he thought there was something going on. There wasn't. I was not interested in him like that at all. My husband thought he was a good looking guy, and I guess he wasn't bad looking, but I wasn't attracted to him at all. We use to go on double dates with him and his wife so I thought that we were all friends. But when it came to him and I being friends, his wife and my husband didn't like it at all. I did not see a problem with the friendship, until my husband said to me "what if I had some girl texting me and wanting to go to lunch with me?" once I saw it from that view I realized I would not have liked that. So I ended the friendship, ou of respect for my husband. Bottom line is, if it makes you uncomfortable and you express this to him, he should stop it. If he don't, it's time to start following him and getting the proof you need that he's doing something fishy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know he's screwing her, right?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry, but I'm highly skeptical that any man would devote that much time and energy to a relationship with a woman and not be sleeping with her. 

ETA: My husband had a "friend" just like this. And yeah, he was, indeed, having an affair with her. For nearly 3 years.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> You know he's screwing her, right?


That was my point above.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

A woman that checks in like that has ownership. He's given it to her. One way or another.


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

MrK said:


> That was my point above.


Yes. AS were my thoughts also.


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> A woman that checks in like that has ownership. He's given it to her. One way or another.


I've already expressed that to him. Deny is the word of the day.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

time to get on over to CWI and get your investigation kicked into high gear


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> I've already expressed that to him. Deny is the word of the day.


Well that's what cake eaters do. They have their cake and eat it too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You can't get through to your H by discussing this issue. As the title of your post indicates, it hasn't worked. He's being blatant. Why? Because you have not put on your big girl panties and thrown his azz out ... yet.

He's rubbing your face in the affair. Now it's time for you to get tough. REALLY tough. Stop talking. Start acting. No matter how painful it is. (And being tough includes contacting a good family law attorney to know your rights.) 

Is the OW married?


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Next comes the "ILYBINILWY" lecture... 

followed by rewriting the history of "us" and how it failed...

follwed by the "I need space" routine.

or the "No ! There is nobody else !" routine.

Then moving on to the "divorce" routine.


Did I miss anything?


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You can't get through to your H by discussing this issue. As the title of your post indicates, it hasn't worked. He's being blatant. Why? Because you have not put on your big girl panties and thrown his azz out ... yet.
> 
> He's rubbing your face in the affair. Now it's time for you to get tough. REALLY tough. Stop talking. Start acting. No matter how painful it is. (And being tough includes contacting a good family law attorney to know your rights.)
> 
> Is the OW married?


I've been married to this man for an eternity. Longer then most peoples ages on here. So it's difficult to do.

No, the OW is divorced and is our same age. She's nothing to write home about.. but apparently rubs his ego the right way. As is always the case.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Fight fire with fire? Get yourself a sexy male friend. Spend a little extra time doing your hair and makeup before he picks you up.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

None of the advice on here is going to change from the first time you posted about this situation. And the situation isn't going to change until you do something about this. It seems to me like you have done absolutely nothing since October to enforce your boundaries with this woman. So my pity for you is pretty low. 

IMO, if you don't do something about things that are hurting you you have no right to complain about them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The Shirley Glass book has been recommended to you about a hundred times. Have you read it? Have you even looked for it?

I gotta agree with Soifon - you are in the exact same place you were in October.

What are you going to do about it??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> I've been married to this man for an eternity.


So what?? You want to spend the rest of your life this way?

NOW is the time to act. Don't wait another 4 or 6 or 12 or 24 months.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> I've been married to this man for an eternity. Longer then most peoples ages on here. So it's difficult to do.


I'm chiming in with Hope here. If you want to spend the rest of your "eternity" living in marriage he!!, far be it from me to argue against that.

I wasn't aware this post is a re-hash of your previous posts. But, as you can tell, when you just keep complaining about a situation and are not proactive, people just quit responding.

I'm going to approach this from a strictly legal perspective. If you have been married for 20 years, which I assume you have, you qualify for permanent spousal support. It is no longer termed "alimony." Duration of marriage is an important element the court considers when granting support, along with the age of the couple.

Okay, so you won't be destitute. Money won't be an issue, unless your H has no portfolio. I'm coming from the assumption he does.

So, why are you sticking it out? Just to declare you were tough enough to take it? Because if that's the case, you are suffering from a rather bad case of codependency. Yes, it is an over-used term, but unless you are worried about finances - and you aren't taking any advice after months of getting it - then you need professional help.

Don't want that either? Fine.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And P.S. - If you were REALLY at your wit's end, you wouldn't still be complaining about the exact situation you had in October. Honest.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Stop talking with your mouth. 

Speak with your actions. 

He may or may not give her up, but you can find the peace you need.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

T2 you have to get to the place where you emphatically state to yourself that you WILL NOT compete with another woman in your marriage. 

I may not have been married as long as you, but this isn't my first marriage. I refused to be second to ANY woman and showed them as such. You are better than that.


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I have done quite a bit about my situation. And if rehashing is a problem on here then I guess there wouldn't be this forum. Everyone on here seems to do it.

In any case It was a request to help inform my husband that his action were inappropriate. 

Kind of like an intervention. When you hear it multiple times from different individuals sometimes it kicks in.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Been there, done that. Just friends? Sorry, but I believed it too, only to find out later that I had been a SUCKER. Time to stand up and demand that his behavior stop. You have the tools to block her number from his phone, if he wont do it willingly, do it for him! Don't fall for his reassurances, he is lying to you. Hate to sound so harsh, but it's a story that we have all heard and unfortunately some of us have lived. I wish I had put a stop to it right from the beginning. Good Luck


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i would tell him right out either me or her no middle ground you cut off her completly or leave..YOU GIVE THE ULTIMATUM not him


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> Well I have done quite a bit about my situation. And if rehashing is a problem on here then I guess there wouldn't be this forum. Everyone on here seems to do it.
> 
> In any case It was a request to help inform my husband that his action were inappropriate.
> 
> *Kind of like an intervention. When you hear it multiple times from different individuals sometimes it kicks in*.


Who are you talking about here? Him or you?

He wouldn't give a flying flit about what we all said here. The most influential person in his life isn't even his wife (you) so why would he care what anyone else says?

If you're talking about yourself, well I don't know what else to tell you. What you're doing or have done so far hasn't worked. So you need to change your gameplan.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Just typed a hour hour story and my browser stopped and lost it arrrgh.
So short now. My husband did this to me with his bookeeper. Got the ilubnilwy speech, he wanted divorce. I went out and found the best ball busting attorney paid her 5 grand( which she still has), my husband freaked said he wanted me to do it pro per. Lol we have 4 kids and hes bareley around so no way was that happening. Stayed in hotel, bookeeper spent the night( what thought they were only friends) this is 2 days before Christmas. I seriously thought i could not go on without him, i groveled, begged, couldn't function was absolute disaster. Then i found tam and started gaining strength. Hes back, we are r but i dont know if i want him anymore, if it werent for our 4 children the decision would be easier.

My point, I put up with allowing his behavoir for too long. Do not put yourself through it. Tell him absolutley no contact or he can leave. If he texts her in your pressence take his phone and throw it in the toilet where it belongs with the rest of their relationship. Most guys dont chit chat all day texting so if he hasnt yet been with her, its in the making. The longer this goes on the more attached they become. Must give him some boundries of what is acceptable to you, if he continues, pack his things and take them to OW house. Its gone way farther than you think. A married man or woman does not do these kinds of things to each other. He knows its hurting you and he doesn't care.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> Well I have done quite a bit about my situation.


What, specifically?



t2morgan said:


> And if rehashing is a problem on here then I guess there wouldn't be this forum. Everyone on here seems to do it.


Uh, no .... that doesn't cut it. "Everyone" here does not commit adultery, nor does "everyone" stay stuck in the same old sheyot. 



t2morgan said:


> In any case *It was a request to help inform my husband that his action were inappropriate*.


Huh? Why in the world would total strangers out in cyberspace be able to help you inform your husband what he is doing is inappropriate? People apparently have at least tried to do that - multiple times.

I don't know quite what to make of your type of denial, because it is so deeply entrenched. You want to tell him his behavior is inappropriate? That's what you've been doing. IT HAS NOT WORKED.

Here's my take on this: You want someone here to tell you how you can get him to end his affair, while you get to stay in the marriage. In other words, you just want to talk this to death. You aren't going to take action.

Fine, don't take action. If that's your choice, learn to live with the OW being the third party in your marriage. Because what you've done so far, ain't working at all. Learn to live with it, I guess. Sad, but true.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband does not need to be INFORMED that his actions are inappropriate. He KNOWS this. 

What needs to happen is that you show him, by your ACTIONS, that what he is doing is unacceptable. ACTIONS. NOT WORDS. ACTIONS.

So, you kick him out, or you move out, or you sleep in another room, or you throw his stuff on the lawn in garbage bags, or you call up the OW's relatives/husband/whatever and inform them, or you clean out your joint bank account and fly to Jamaica, or you crazy glue his penis to his hand. WHATEVER. You DO something.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

You are the one that needs intervention and you are getting one here. Kick his ass out. No more talk. Take action. He is in a FOG and wont listen to you or anyone else other than his new woman. He thinks he's slick by being blatent. He's just taunting you. Stop wasting your time on it and move on with steps that take care of yourself. 

As for your chracteriziation of "everyone on here", Your wrong, Simple as that. 

He is playing dumb because it has worked apparantly for months. Time for you to change tactics by dumping your cheater


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"In any case It was a request to help inform my husband that his action were inappropriate. 

Kind of like an intervention. When you hear it multiple times from different individuals sometimes it kicks in."

How do you propose we do this? Is he also a member here and therefore would read our responses?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I have been married 28 years, I can honestly say that if my husband behaved the way your husband is behaving we would be done. 

Neither of us have opposite sex friends, we have "couple friends" and any communication is done wife to wife or husband to husband. We have strong boundaries, and we adhere to them. I respect and honor him, and he does the same.

Time to stand up for yourself, tell him it's either her or you. If he takes more than a minute to decide that's a minute too long....tell him to hit the road and that your lawyer will be in touch.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

To the OP: You've gotten more than enough information here to get moving on making your situation better. Your husband has no repsect for you because you seem to have none for yourself in allowing him to continue to abuse you this way. If you haven't been able to get through to him, then he will NOT pay attention to anything we type here on TAM. 

If you're serious about ending this, start implementing the 180, as has already been suggested, and prepare yourself for the future without him or stay in the situation with your resentment and him walking all over your self-respect. Your choice.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Never, ever believe "just a friend", especially if they are spending time alone together. If you ever hear "she's like my sister", or something similar, start spying because those words are confirmation of something sinister. Too many triggers on TAM this morning. My heart hurts again today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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