# Not sure why I'm feeling like this..



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for: advice, comfort, or just any input at all, I'm just a little upset. My boyfriend and I have become, well, intimate in the past few weeks, but we said that it would be something just between us, and I liked that. 

Then, after a couple of weeks, I talked to my best friend about it and it wasn't a big deal, we haven't talked about it since. But now I just found out that my boyfriend told his whole band (5 other people). I know that I told my friend as well, but this just upsets me. When I asked him about it, he told me that he honestly thought that I had said that I didn't mind and he felt terrible. We talked it out and everything is fine between us, but it still bothers me, and I don't know why. It just makes me very unhappy. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of being upset and maybe even a little hurt.


----------



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

I realize that I told as well which is why it doesn't make sense to me that I am upset. I'm afraid that perhaps I feel a little guilty about doing it in the first place which is why I do not want others to know. I just don't know any of the people that he told, yet he is close to my friend that I told. I realize that I am just as much at fault. Perhaps I am embarrassed as well. Why else would I be upset?


----------



## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> Well, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for: advice, comfort, or just any input at all, I'm just a little upset. My boyfriend and I have become, well, intimate in the past few weeks,* but we said that it would be something just between us, and I liked that.*
> 
> Then, after a couple of weeks,* I talked to my best friend about it and it wasn't a big deal, *we haven't talked about it since. But now I just found out that my boyfriend told his whole band (5 other people). I know that I told my friend as well, but this just upsets me.* When I asked him about it, he told me that he honestly thought that I had said that I didn't mind and he felt terrible. *We talked it out and* everything is fine between us*, but it *still bothers me*, and I don't know why. It just makes me very unhappy. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of being upset and maybe even a little hurt.


It seems he misunderstood and thought it was ok. On the other hand you intentionally spoke to your best friend about it and somehow rationalized it as being fine. That's quite unfair. It still bothers you, so everything is not fine. But I think this is one of those instances that you can learn from.

Perhaps you are subconsciously angry at yourself for breaking your word. If that's the case... forgive yourself and forgive his naive misunderstanding. (Also, if you only criticized him... and didn't inform him of your blunder... you should correct that). I'm saying if, because I don't know what your conversation covered. And if both of you disregarded your word to each other, than you have a greater problem. You both broke each other's trust and now there is resentment on your end.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Ok, so you both messed up by confiding in others when you said you wouldnt. You still don't feel ok about it, and you're not sure why? 

Do you think you might be upset due to the nature of what was told? Guys (especially young guys) tend to approach the whole sex thing with a bit more bravado than young women. I'm not sure what was talked about individually between you and your girlfriend and him and his mates. Did you discuss what you each told other people? Is it the fact that he talked about it (as did you), or was it more the content and context of what he said that concerns you?

You may feel a bit weird because he discussed your sex life with strangers to you. But your friend also hangs out with you both and remember he might feel a bit weird with a close friend to the both of you knowing the ins and outs of your intimate life.

Use this as a learning curve to set your boundaries with each other, and both stick to them. You guys both talked, so share equal responsibility in fixing the problem.

I'm sure you will be fine, darl. Live and learn.  just get it sorted out before any resentment builds up.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

How old are you and your boyfriend. This sounds like something teenagers would do. You know, the boy "bragging" to his buddies and getting high fives and all that happy horse sh!t.

In the BIG PICTURE, this is not a big deal. He broke your trust and that is what is bothering you. But if he is more boy than man, you cannot expect much from him when it comes to this subject. Now, if he is in his 40's, I would be blown away!


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

They be teens, Endless


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

alone_not_lonely said:


> They be teens, Endless


I knew it! Thanks for the info my dear.


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Perhaps you feel this way because, even though you did speak to someone you feel as though you kept it private and you feel he was just bragging to his mates. Sorry this has happened to you


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't know why there is an agreement in the couple about this being a secret[as if it was a shame that you became intimate] but on the other hand I wonder why he would brag to his buddies about this.
It's disrespectful. 

Some things are better left unsaid because they are simply meant. 
What he did was wrong.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't know why there is an agreement in the couple about this being a secret[as if it was a shame that you became intimate] but on the other hand I wonder why he would brag to his buddies about this.
> It's disrespectful.
> 
> Some things are better left unsaid because they are simply meant.
> What he did was wrong.


It's not something that is shameful, but they had both agreed to keep it between themselves. We don't know yet if he necessarily bragged about it, am waiting for OP to get back to us on that. I was asking if that's how it went down, but we don't know yet.
They both blabbed after their agreement to keep it between them for the while, so they BOTH did wrong.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm sure everybody told some (un)willing victim when they had their first sexual encounter. I only asked about context as a lot of young women seem to romanticise it more than a lot of young men do, and maybe that's where she's feeling icky about things. IMO,They just need to find what their boundaries are and learn to respect them or don't agree to an ideal you probably aren't going to uphold.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd be upset too that he was running around saying that we boffed. 

Tell him how you feel. And then decide if you want to date him o rnot.


----------



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, I think what upset me the most is that I don't know or trust anyone that he told. One of them even posted their status that alluded to sex, then tagged my boyfriend and myself in it, that was how I found out that he told his friends. That was completely inappropriate. My boyfriend was upset about this as well.

I also think that I am disappointed in myself perhaps even more than I am in my boyfriend because I know that what I did was wrong as well. He didn't mind that I had told my friend though, as he trusts her as well and knows her very well.

He told me that he only hinted at it in joking with his band and they figured it out. I guess I don't really believe that he was bragging, its just that they're teenage guys, they're gonna talk about sex at one point or another. Also, I guess I have to mention that his band and himself are very close.

And yes, we were both completely honest with each other. I let him know that I told my friend because I was upset and felt guilty about doing it because I know that my mother would be disappointed and I had always wanted to wait until marriage, but I gave in.

And Dean, I realize that sometimes just talking won't completely help. I did let him know that I was upset about this and he was extremely apologetic, he felt horrible. And I do believe that his apology was completely sincere, I don't doubt that a bit.

As far as your questions, we graduate a year from now. We plan on moving in next september and marrying then as well, right before starting university. And yes, he is excited to finish our two year degrees and transfer to university just as I am.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

As Dean said, it's normal to talk to your close friend about it but it's a totally different thing to tell 5 other friends [as he did]. 
That was very immature of him and if I were you I'd be pissed off as well.
I'd also be pissed off at the friend who tagged you and your boyfriend. 
This matter is too personal and it wasn't his business to tag you both. 

What a bunch of retards his friends are!


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> He told me that he only hinted at it in joking with his band


This is bragging


----------



## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> As Dean said, it's normal to talk to your close friend about it but it's a totally different thing to tell 5 other friends [as he did].
> That was very immature of him and if I were you I'd be pissed off as well.


I think both parties need some more maturity ( I don't mean that in an offensive way). It may be normal with other circumstances, but I don't see it as normal when they both agreed not to tell anyone. His blunder turned out coming back and embarrassing you both. But saying his is worse or more unacceptable doesn't make sense. If we were to change the blunder to both having sex with someone else... he and she would both share guilt equally. It's unfortunate it happened this way, but this could be a lesson of karma.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

This wouldn't bother me at all, even when I was that young. I guess I was never ashamed of having sex. Plus I grew up with four brothers and I know how guys go back and forth with that talk.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's not about being ashamed of having sex. It's about how you say you had it and to who you say it.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Maybe he wasn't doing it in a "another notch in my belt" type of fashion. Maybe he's just proud that he's good enough to be allowed to have sex with her. Maybe the other guys are envious. Who cares? Is it really that big of a deal?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Who cares? Is it really that big of a deal?


It is. 
They made a deal to keep it secret. 
Breaking the promise diminishes the trust, tells a lot about both partner's lack of maturity and the lack of seriousness in the relationship.


----------



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

I suppose that feeling like this was an overreaction. I think it was also hard because we talked about it only over the phone. Now that I was able to talk to him about it in person, we both feel much better. 

Thank you for your input everyone. Even though not all of it was what I wanted to hear, it was what I needed to. I realize that he and I both still have a bit of maturing to do, I'm just hoping that we can mature and grow together.


----------

