# Touch 5th love language



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curious, for those who's least favorite love language is touch, what does it mean to you?

Does this mean you don't have an inclination towards cuddles/hand holds/kisses in your relationships?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

That is my #1 and what it means to me if it is last for her...We ain't compatable baby!


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

While I believe in the theory of 5LL I don’t know how accurate the rankings are for these quizzes. I just took one on the official page and the way they ask the questions is like a sudden-death bracket “which is more meaningful to you? Your partner telling you how much they truly appreciate you or a back rub?” I love back rubs, but being told all the work I put into our family, our life, is way more meaningful to me. Point for Words of Affirmation and point against Physical Touch “Which is more meaningful to you? Holding hands with your partner or receiving a token gift from your partner that they put a lot of thought into?” Token gift would be more meaningful to me than hand holding. My husband once brought me a pebble that resembled the one from one of our mutually favorite childhood books. I keep it in a special box and it means a lot to me. Obviously a really soul-touching token gift doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does it is more meaningful. Point to Gifts and point against Physical Touch. I find hand holding awkward so that would lose no matter what it was up against. “What is more meaningful to you? Your partner saying “I love you” or affectionate touching throughout the day?” Point for Physical Touch. ILY means nothing I have learned. I love to touch and be touched. They didn’t ask if a forehead kiss was more meaningful than receiving an expensive purse as a gift or having your partner wash the dishes, but for me that would be a hell yeah.

My point is that how the questions match up against each other can skew things. So can the quiz taker’s definition of “meaningful”. One thing being the most meaningful does not render the other options meaningless.

Mine ended up being 1. Quality Time 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Physical Touch 4. Acts of Service 5. Gifts. I found that interesting because when I bought the book and did the quiz 12 years ago my #1 was Acts of Service and my #5 was Physical Touch. Different husband, different resentments, different priorities in my life.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bluesclues said:


> While I believe in the theory of 5LL I don’t know how accurate the rankings are for these quizzes. I just took one on the official page and the way they ask the questions is like a sudden-death bracket “which is more meaningful to you? Your partner telling you how much they truly appreciate you or a back rub?” I love back rubs, but being told all the work I put into our family, our life, is way more meaningful to me. Point for Words of Affirmation and point against Physical Touch “Which is more meaningful to you? Holding hands with your partner or receiving a token gift from your partner that they put a lot of thought into?” Token gift would be more meaningful to me than hand holding. My husband once brought me a pebble that resembled the one from one of our mutually favorite childhood books. I keep it in a special box and it means a lot to me. Obviously a really soul-touching token gift doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does it is more meaningful. Point to Gifts and point against Physical Touch. I find hand holding awkward so that would lose no matter what it was up against. “What is more meaningful to you? Your partner saying “I love you” or affectionate touching throughout the day?” Point for Physical Touch. ILY means nothing I have learned. I love to touch and be touched. They didn’t ask if a forehead kiss was more meaningful than receiving an expensive purse as a gift or having your partner wash the dishes, but for me that would be a hell yeah.
> 
> My point is that how the questions match up against each other can skew things. So can the quiz taker’s definition of “meaningful”. One thing being the most meaningful does not render the other options meaningless.
> 
> Mine ended up being 1. Quality Time 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Physical Touch 4. Acts of Service 5. Gifts. *I found that interesting because when I bought the book and did the quiz 12 years ago my #1 was Acts of Service and my #5 was Physical Touch. Different husband, different resentments, different priorities in my life.*


Do you think during that stage in your life you may have been perhaps not ready or emotionally available in that marriage?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

That is both of our primary love language so I am curious as well. We go like this...

Me

Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Gift giving/receiving

Husband

Physical touch
Git giving
Acts of service
Words of affirmation

We touch all the time. We hug, kiss cuddle, hold hands, hug. You name it. Both publicly and privately. Our friends say the 'get a room' joke might as well apply every day and everywhere. And, due to certain circumstances, it show even more now. I just cannot keep my darn hands off of him! And things in the bedroom are most definitely included in that statement.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

It's been so long since I've done the test that I can't remember if Physical Touch is last or second last for me. I know it's close to the bottom. Everyone who knows me knows it's close to the bottom lol. My best friend keeps wanting to buy me stuff that says "Not a hugger" with pictures of cacti and porcupines and other prickly things. I blame my very proper British upbringing, hugging and touching definitely were not part of normal life.

All it means is that I don't demonstrate love through touch. It just doesn't occur to me so it's not something I would initiate. I'll hold hands if my partner grabs my hand, I'm not averse to it, I just don't think to grab his hand first.

Strangely enough, I'm very cuddly touchy-feely with the dogs. Probably because I recognize on an intellectual level that that is how they understand my affection, especially now that the older one is mostly deaf and it's the only way to communicate with her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Corgi Mum said:


> It's been so long since I've done the test that I can't remember if Physical Touch is last or second last for me. I know it's close to the bottom. Everyone who knows me knows it's close to the bottom lol. My best friend keeps wanting to buy me stuff that says "Not a hugger" with pictures of cacti and porcupines and other prickly things. I blame my very proper British upbringing, hugging and touching definitely were not part of normal life.
> 
> All it means is that I don't demonstrate love through touch. It just doesn't occur to me so it's not something I would initiate. I'll hold hands if my partner grabs my hand, I'm not averse to it, I just don't think to grab his hand first.
> 
> Strangely enough, I'm very cuddly touchy-feely with the dogs. Probably because I recognize on an intellectual level that that is how they understand my affection, especially now that the older one is mostly deaf and it's the only way to communicate with her.


I get that. I'm a major dog hugger. Of course, that also involves a lot of nurturing, and they give you so much back. And they're soft and fuzzy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ABiolarWife said:


> That is both of our primary love language so I am curious as well. We go like this...
> 
> Me
> 
> ...


Yeah, that was how it was with my exs, physical touch was always up there so lots of hugs, cuddles, hand holding. When we dined, the best were the sofa seats where we could sit next to each other instead of opposite each other so we could cuddle. Sometimes when we were at home we just did nothing but cuddle... and pass out.

I'm thinking I may not be able to be happy without it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Corgi Mum said:


> It's been so long since I've done the test that I can't remember if Physical Touch is last or second last for me. I know it's close to the bottom. Everyone who knows me knows it's close to the bottom lol. My best friend keeps wanting to buy me stuff that says "Not a hugger" with pictures of cacti and porcupines and other prickly things. I blame my very proper British upbringing, hugging and touching definitely were not part of normal life.
> 
> All it means is that I don't demonstrate love through touch. It just doesn't occur to me so it's not something I would initiate. I'll hold hands if my partner grabs my hand, I'm not averse to it, I just don't think to grab his hand first.
> 
> Strangely enough, I'm very cuddly touchy-feely with the dogs. Probably because I recognize on an intellectual level that that is how they understand my affection, especially now that the older one is mostly deaf and it's the only way to communicate with her.


 Well, I guess this says it all. Your insight is greatly appreciated.

For someone whose primary language is cuddles, with exs who gave lots of cuddles, I'm not sure I can continue on with the woman I'm currently seeing if this is the case.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I guess this says it all. Your insight is greatly appreciated.
> 
> For someone whose primary language is cuddles, with exs who gave lots of cuddles, I'm not sure I can continue on with the woman I'm currently seeing if this is the case.


So you claim you can't continue without a woman who is like your ex but your exes drove you crazy with wanting too much sex.

I think you should not look for a relationship. You want everything exactly the way you want it. You aren' t going to find someone who is just right in all of the categories. So just date and enjoy life. Maybe you aren't meant to be long term with anyone.

For what it's worth touch is probably not my last but it is low on my list.
It's probably 4th and gifts are my 5th.

I like sex and enjoy touching my partner but it isn't something higher up than acts of service (my #1), time(#2) and words (#3). For instance we have plenty of sex and i'll grope his butt or touch his shoulder or hold his hand frequently through the day but I don't like to touch when sleeping. I don't mind cuddling some but it mostly just makes me hot (as in uncomfortable temperature).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you claim you can't continue without a woman who is like your ex but your exes drove you crazy with wanting too much sex.
> 
> I think you should not look for a relationship. You want everything exactly the way you want it. You aren' t going to find someone who is just right in all of the categories. So just date and enjoy life. Maybe you aren't meant to be long term with anyone.
> 
> ...


Only ex-wife drove me crazy with too much sex, ex-fiancee drove me crazy with one thing - nagging - about all her other expectations, but I was ultimately happy to settle with her, I proposed after all. She just wasn't happy with me and I simply wasn't good enough for her.

What I look for in women is also what I know I can and can't give as well, it's not all about what I can get. I know I can't - by initiative, surprise a woman with a cooked meal, or clean up the place without asking or show up to surprise her at work every now and then. Acts of service is my last language. I can if she asks, and I've always provided but it's not enough. Similarly, if a woman doesn't show initiative with physical touch, then is it not also fair that it isn't enough for me?

Ex-fiancee wanted initiative in all 5 love languages. I only showed initiative in 3; touch/time/gifts. I was poor with acts of service/words of affirmation as she hated having to ask for it. I only ask for initiative in 2. I want a relationship, and I believe my standards are reasonable, so I will keep looking thank you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What do you want besides touch? Arm candy? I ask because you say you aren’t into service or compromise. Cuddles are great, but there’s more to a relationship than groping and looking good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Only ex-wife drove me crazy with too much sex, ex-fiancee drove me crazy with one thing - nagging - about all her other expectations, but I was ultimately happy to settle with her, I proposed after all. She just wasn't happy with me and I simply wasn't good enough for her.
> 
> What I look for in women is also what I know I can and can't give as well, it's not all about what I can get. I know I can't - by initiative, surprise a woman with a cooked meal, or clean up the place without asking or show up to surprise her at work every now and then. Acts of service is my last language. I can if she asks, and I've always provided but it's not enough. Similarly, if a woman doesn't show initiative with physical touch, then is it not also fair that it isn't enough for me?
> 
> Ex-fiancee wanted initiative in all 5 love languages. I only showed initiative in 3; touch/time/gifts. I was poor with acts of service/words of affirmation as she hated having to ask for it. I only ask for initiative in 2. I want a relationship, and I believe my standards are reasonable, so I will keep looking thank you.


I've found through the years, if you want to use the 5 lls as categories, that during different periods all are cycled through over time. 

Short periods and longer periods will include a couple or so daily, and others as needs and/or wants wax/wane.

Your favorites will remain fairly constant, and both partners will fall into synch until a need changes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I've found through the years, if you want to use the 5 lls as categories, that during different periods all are cycled through over time.
> 
> Short periods and longer periods will include a couple or so daily, and others as needs and/or wants wax/wane.
> 
> Your favorites will remain fairly constant, and both partners will fall into synch until a need changes.


Yeah the favourites will have to be constant, touch/quality time for me is a necessity, I won't be happy if that is 'seasonal'.

The key here is *initiative* for me, like your least favourite, it just won't come naturally. I doesn't come naturally for me for acts of service and as a result last ex felt unloved because she had her expectations. Similarly, if someone doesn't initiate physical touch then I would feel unloved.

That's what I'm coming to realise really, is that not true?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah the favourites will have to be constant, touch/quality time for me is a necessity, I won't be happy if that is 'seasonal'.
> 
> The key here is *initiative* for me, like your least favourite, it just won't come naturally. I doesn't come naturally for me for acts of service and as a result last ex felt unloved because she had her expectations. Similarly, if someone doesn't initiate physical touch then I would feel unloved.
> 
> That's what I'm coming to realise really, is that not true?


I'd agree there. Touch is our thing too.


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