# My Parental Alienation experience



## just a daddy (Jan 27, 2013)

I last saw my daughters when they were 12 nearly 18 months ago, my ex stopped contact saying that they didn't want to see me any more, we had a court order in place, but it took until September last year to find my ex and serve papers on her, we went to court and she said that they didn't want to see me, and that they had never liked seeing me

We did a family conference with a so called court counsellor, and my daughters told him they didn't want to see me, and when he asked why, the things that they told him were all things that my ex had accused me of years ago and that were proven to be false through a court process that involved family reports etc, so it was clear to me, that she had been telling them things that she shouldn't have been, she was re alleging things that I hadn't done but now she was telling the girls as well, after reading the report from the counsellor, my solicitor and later the court appointed child solicitor all formed the opinion that my ex was responsible for what my daughters were saying

However they said that as they were now nearly 14 that the court would not go against their wishes, even if it was proved that my ex was behind what they were saying, so I decided to settle and we drafted a new court order that allowed the girls to see or contact me in any way that they wanted when they wanted to, and for me to be able to contact them by letter, emails, text messages and other forms of social media

I have written them each a letter every week for the last 10 weeks, I send them the occasional email and text message, I have only had a few emails from them, all very sterile and without any feeling in them, the first was just in response to my query about what they wanted for Christmas, and was just addressed "Hi" we would like gift cards thanks, and it wasn't even signed, then I got a couple of emails asking if I could help pay for some of their school stuff, again it was just "Hi" and with the request and unsigned, then last week I got an email that was addressed "Dear and my first name", it was again asking for further help, and this time it was signed with both of their names, they had always called me daddy and had never used my first name, so I was shocked and hurt that they were addressing me by my first name, so in my reply I just politely asked them not to call me by my first name

I got another email Friday just gone, again this time it was "Hi and my first name", it was signed with their names, and it just said thank for the presents 

Being an email it is hard to even know if they are sending them, but if they are why are they addressing me by my first name, in one email they still used mummy when referring to their mother, and it had always been daddy for me, I know that as they get older they may prefer to use dad and I would be ok with that, but using my first name hurts me

I always had a good relationship with both my daughters, they were always loving and caring towards me, they were always happy here, we played and did things together, and all our photos and home videos all show them laughing and happy

I have since realised that it was hard for them to come and see me, an example of this was that my ex would ring them when they were here, I remember the first time that I noticed something wrong with this was when they were happily playing in the back yard, and she rang, they spoke for a few minutes, I left them so they could talk in private, but when I came back after they had finished the call they were both crying, I thought that something had happened at home, and I asked them what was wrong, and they said they were sad because mummy had said that she was sad and unhappy because she missed them, apparently she did this a lot, as later on the girls would just spurt out things when they were young, like mummy said she was gonna miss us when we left

I think that after that phone call I had spoken to her and asked her to be mindful of the girls when she spoke to them, but I don't think things changed much, as their mood always seemed to change after one of her calls, so I do realise that it was not easy for them to visit me, she should not have made them feel responsible for her happiness by saying what she did to them, after becoming aware of what she was saying to them I sat down with them and explained to them that I missed them when they weren't with me, but that it is natural to miss people that you love, but I was happy because I knew that you were happy and safe with mummy, and I think that they understood what I was trying to explain to them

I have since been advised by a psychologist that her behaviour in making them responsible for her sadness is a form of emotional abuse 

I think I understand that it also may have something to do with why they are saying that they don't want to see, but I'm not sure, and I don't know why they are calling me by my first name


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, I am sorry that you had to go through with this and it is inexcusable what your wife did. I would urge you to persevere. Ultimately, perhaps when they are a little older, your daughters will figure out what happened and your wife may have to endure some of her own medicine. Probably the biggest mistake fathers make is fading out.


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