# any advice on how to get over a crush on a married man?



## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

These feelings came out of nowhere for me.
As a 45 yr old female singleton-for-life, i felt i was pretty much bulletproof by now.
But then i had my first bike wreck and lost my precious bike, damaged beyond all hope.
Enter the individual in question.
I simply needed someone to hook me up with a suitable replacement bike and thus hopefully heal the hole in my heart left by the horrible right hook that took out my precious. (Hey i really loved that bike ok!!)

I meet up with this bike mechanic this past June who i was assigned to and we get to talking about bikey things.
I have literally hung out with the dude seven times.
Yet i am a total goner!
I have spent a few hours with him talking about my bikey dreams and hopes which he has gone above and beyond to fulfill. He is super patient and kind, never condescending about my ignorance.
We also talk about life stuff of course.
He finally mentioned his wife and kids last week, which was good to have out there. He has been flirtatious, and while i figured he had to be married it was a bittersweet relief for him to confirm it.
That way now i can at least have more concrete boundaries so i know how to conduct myself appropriately!

So my usual way to deal with these feelings is to never have contact with the guy who is eliciting such pointless feelings. But he is perfect for me as my mechanic so i cannot bring myself to do so in this case. I need him still, for the sake of my bikes.

I just gotta ask y'all, do you think maybe my feelings developed for him as a sort of hero complex?
He has been a savior of my bikey goodness. ..i feel so indebted to him.
And he is nice to look at, of course. And funny, a Yoda of all things bike, etc. When we plan out my bike future we are like Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! I really dig our creative partnership. 

I mainly want to find the logic, rationale, reason, impetus whatever which is the cause of these pointless feelings.
It sucks missing someone you can never have, even as just friends.
It is a pretty stupid lame situation and i mortify myself every time i imagine his wife finding out i am crushing on her man.
I mean how effing pathetic am I, in the end, right? 
Ugh.

Anyway thx for reading...any insights are appreciated!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Find another bike dude. The local shops around here even offer maintenance classes. Join a bike club with other yummy (yet single) bike dudes who you can woo to do your biker biding. 

Basically, stop spending time with this guy. He's not the only saddle in town. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't play with fire. Find a single man; he is married. Only bad things will come out of any romantic relationship with this man.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sure, lots of advice.

First and foremost, Mental control. When feelings come up and he gets on your mind, divert them right away (as soon as you catch yourself). Be consistent and in time, your feelings will diminish.

2nd would be to completely isolate yourself from him. In time, your feelings will go down again.

3rd As for mechanic. You need to find a new one. But what I would recommend is simply working on the bike yourself? If you love bikes so much what's stopping you? With the power of internet and the knowledge out there there really shouldn't be much you couldn't do.

4th, if above doesn't help start dating other man. 

Whatever you do, do NOT escalate it or peruse ANYTHING with this man.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

As cool as bikey man is, he doesn't seem as if he's as cool of a husband and father. If you want a real dose of reality, read a few threads in Coping with Infidelity and then see if you want to be a part of that. It sounds like you have figured out the reasons for your attraction. What more do you need?

Ask yourself if your flirty feelings and your bike are more important than the well being of his wife and kids.

If the answer is yes, go for it.

If the answer is no, find another bikey dude and keep your self respect.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I get the "you know it's pointless, but you can't help it" crush. I had that for a LONG time with an ex co-worker. He wasn't married, and I was single at the time, but he had ZERO interest. I knew I shouldn't, but crush I did.....

Anyway, I eventually got over it when he quit the job and left. 

My advice? Find a new mechanic. You will drive yourself crazy with this one. (I know PLENTY of single biker dudes, are you in a club? If not, join one!)


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

How many bikes does he have in his shop? And how many of them beling to women like you? 

Think about that. You're just a number, sister.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Or you can put yourself in his wife's shoes and think what it would like to be her and some women having the hots for your husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> How many bikes does he have in his shop? And how many of them beling to women like you?
> 
> Think about that. You're just a number, sister.


He is yanking your chain and getting his ego boost from your attentiveness. Stop spinning your wheels. Find another bike fix it dude.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just keep it all business from this point forward, unless you feel you lack all self control, being able to keep a boundary should be fairly easy to do, even if he doesn't keep one


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## knowthyself (Sep 26, 2014)

I think its also important yo understand that you are seeing only a small microcosm of the man that he is so while that small part might be attractive, looking at the whole and what you DON'T know might be better to realize. Also, if he was flirty with you...while it felt good...is that a man you want to be in a relationship with? That right there should be a negative imo


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening aroundthefur
I think most people have had a sudden strong "crush" at some point. Its tough -the other person seems so wonderful - but almost always that is because you don't *really* know anything about them. Your mind fills in all the gaps with what you *want* them to be, so they can seem perfect.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

aroundthefur said:


> These feelings came out of nowhere for me.
> As a 45 yr old female singleton-for-life, i felt i was pretty much bulletproof by now.
> But then i had my first bike wreck and lost my precious bike, damaged beyond all hope.
> Enter the individual in question.
> ...


It sounds like you are willing to spend a lot of money on materializing your bikey dreams. So you should understand that his interest in you is related to his profit line, of course he is happy and encouraging you, why wouldn't he? 

There, crush fixed.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It sounds like you are willing to spend a lot of money on materializing your bikey dreams. So you should understand that his interest in you is related to his profit line, of course he is happy and encouraging you, why wouldn't he?
> 
> There, crush fixed.


Perfect!

Reminds me of a girlfriend who's a stripper. She said her job is to make every guy in the club feel like he's the only one there and the only one who matters. She's married and says she would rather her husband go to a strip club than a regular bar. 

OP...just stop. He's married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is said stripper a FB friend of Dig's? just asking cause....uh...no reason


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

I would just cease all communication. I know it sucks but there are many many other like minded men who share the same passion. Are there any bike clubs or forum or anything of the sort you can join?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> How many bikes does he have in his shop? And how many of them beling to women like you?
> 
> Think about that. You're just a number, sister.



Word to your mother.
I hear you loud and clear on that point!!


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## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It sounds like you are willing to spend a lot of money on materializing your bikey dreams. So you should understand that his interest in you is related to his profit line, of course he is happy and encouraging you, why wouldn't he?
> 
> There, crush fixed.


Dang that did not occur to me.
I can actually appreciate that angle.
Huh.
Well played.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aroundthefur said:


> Word to your mother.
> I hear you loud and clear on that point!!


It's never EVER a good idea to start off a relationship with someone you are doing business with. They are nice to you cause they are after your money.

Besides the fact that they are married......

2 HUGE red flags


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## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

Oh and to clarify
I am not and will not be looking for any type of involved relationship with anyone, let alone Monsieur Mechanic!
Not much of a joiner per say.
I prefer to ride alone.
I was just a bit blindsided by these uncommon feelings.
It is uber lame to feel and exhibit emotions 
more befitting a hormonal teen at my advanced age. 
Awkward!

I have no prob compartmentalizing these feelings while around him.
I will just step back and remind myself i do not want to be a twee groupie whom his wife would mock mercilessly, as would be her right to do so.

Life is all commerce, he probs is indeed just cultivating his ego and his bottom line.
Thanks for the words!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aroundthefur said:


> Oh and to clarify
> I am not and will not be looking for any type of involved relationship with anyone,


If that's what makes you happy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why are you a self-declared singleton for life? Just curious. Do you mean you never want to be married, or never want to be in a long term relationship, or what?


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

And just remember if they do it with you, they'll do it to you! Most affairs start in the mind.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Spend some money on a new - and flashy - bicycle and the men in the trail will be more receptive . (Just kidding from a fellow cyclist who wishes he could drop $5k on one...)

Seriously, join a cycling club, check with your LBS or city parks dept to see if they offer organized rides, etc. Also hit the trails, not roads, if you have them. I go nearly every day on the same MUP (12-30 miles) and I am beginning to recognize people... If there are cafés etc that cater to cyclists, that's an option.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You're 45?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

aroundthefur said:


> Not much of a joiner per say.
> I prefer to ride alone.
> I was just a bit blindsided by these uncommon feelings.
> It is uber lame to feel and exhibit emotions
> ...


maybe you do not understand your body and libido so much as you purport to?

You body is saying to you: hey wake the heck up, smell the coffee, and get laid!

Maybe try joining just a little club? Or some other place eligible single guys are hanging out???


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## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Why are you a self-declared singleton for life? Just curious. Do you mean you never want to be married, or never want to be in a long term relationship, or what?



Upon observation of the relatively negative impact relationships have had on people i observed during my formative years i decided i could not be bothered to expose myself to the potential liability relationships bring with them.
I find i prefer to keep people at an acquaintance level.
It is simpler and much less messy!


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## aroundthefur (Oct 2, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> You're 45?




I know, right?!
Pathetic that teenage level crushes can still occur at my advanced age and level of maturity.
I should totes know better!


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

aroundthefur said:


> Upon observation of the relatively negative impact relationships have had on people i observed during my formative years i decided i could not be bothered to expose myself to the potential liability relationships bring with them.
> I find i prefer to keep people at an acquaintance level.
> *It is simpler and much less messy!*


Unless, of course, it is with a married man.


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

A passing crush or fantasy about someone is normal. The thing is too shake it off as a passing thought and not act on it. He is a married man, you do not want to ruin his marriage. Hopefully, someday, that crush will happen with an available man.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

aroundthefur said:


> I know, right?!
> Pathetic that teenage level crushes can still occur at my advanced age and level of maturity.
> I should totes know better!


I have a difficult time accepting 45 as your true age after you used the teenaged slang "totes" as in totally,you can't possibly be 45 years old.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The guy I've bought my last 3 cars from is super nice to me and a little flirty. He compliments my legs all the time....I will say I have good legs and he's probably serious about appreciating them but the bottom line is that he wants to sell me a car.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Hormones change as you draw near menopause. You could be having an estrogen surge. Not that you're menopausal, how could I know? But the hormone surge at that age wouldn't be a total surprise. 

(SB, I didn't have a clue what "totes" meant till you said something!)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I have a difficult time accepting 45 as your true age after you used the teenaged slang "totes" as in totally,you can't possibly be 45 years old.



The cycling culture does things to us


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