# Time to move on



## Dazle (Oct 25, 2011)

Why is it so hard for me to let go of my cheating husband (of 8 yrs). Is it because my self-esteem is very low, do I really love him and cant be without him, or am I just afraid to be by myself? All these questions are driving me insane!! My husband has cheated on me 3 times (the trust is all gone). The guy is a good man but a BIG CHEATER!!!! I’m not sure what makes him cheat. Is it in his jeans (his father and brother are the same). I am attractive, stable and very mature!

Where do I start to build my self-confidence, again? I’ve decided that, I don’t want to continue living with a man that can’t be faithful but how do I let him go??? How do I close the door to this miserable marriage, I’m living in?!?!?!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think you have to be willing to be uncomfortable for a while. Right now from your viewpoint, things aren't THAT bad. Yes, he has this nagging problem, but overall you still feel like he's a great guy and it's tolerable. 

Really he's not that great a guy, and you're comfortable with your life with him. What have been the consequences for his affairs? I get the impression there aren't any or you may have only made veiled threats that he sees through.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Being cheated on literally strips you of the capacity to base a part of your self esteem on the love from the person you married. 
Suddenly, its all up to you again.
But just remember, before you were married, it was up to you, then, as well. 
Just as you were before this, you will be again. He has given you the doors to push open thru his infidelity. Walk on thru!!!!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

As long as you let him do this he will continue to do this. You need to take a stand and move on. Otherwise, every time you let this happen you lose more respect for yourself and he certainly does not respect you. You cannot be a doormat unless you let yourself become one.


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## Dazle (Oct 25, 2011)

Thank You.. guys for the replies!!! I have been reading these over and over!!! I will reply individually, soon!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have you gone to MC with him? Have you decided what you want your life to be like? Does it involve him or not? 

These are the questions I'm facing as the one who cheated (EA). Do I want to be a husband that can no longer be trusted? Can my wife do better without me? Can I do better without her? 

I wish you the best. Don't discount the value of the remainder of your life and happiness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dazie--to let him go, you must go completely dark on him. No contact other than things that involve your separation/divorce and co-parenting (if you have children together).

You feel this way because of a mixture of thigns: scared because he's all you've known, afraid of the unknown, and feel low because he cheated. Being cheated on leaves one feeling insecure and less than but really the problem isn't w/ you. The problem is him. Don't get down on yourself over choices that he made. 

Start by going out to meet friends, call up a relative, get a good support system, exercise, get a new hobby, take a class, cook something new, buy new underwear, get your hair cut and colored, smile at a hot guy and take it day by day. 

Time and no contact are the ONLY way you will ever start to move forward, regain your confidence, and move on from this guy. It's doubtful he will ever change since he's a cherial cheater.

8 years is a long time and that's why it hurts. Don't waste another 8 years on him.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think that you should try individual counseling and marriage counseling. I don't know what your husband is like, but if you see good in your marriage and just need this problem to change, then you should try to figure out if he can stop his serial cheating or not. Also, because you say you aren't quite sure of why you are unable to let go, I think you should see a counselor yourself to try and figure it out. 

Also, keep coming back here, if it helps you. Most of the people in this forum are going through similar things and it can be helpful to figure out your feelings by considering what others are saying about theirs, sometimes.

My WH (of just one year) has been cheating on me all year and I found out about 3 months ago. We've been together for a total of 7 years, most of it long distance, so I don't know how much actual cheating happened before this and how much he just hid. I love him, though, and would be willing to work through this if he wanted to change his ways...unfortunately, he's not showing signs of wanting to change his behavior or even acknowledge that it's problematic. It's been a rough road for me already. I wish I had insisted on counseling instead of inadvertently causing a separation. I'll say this, though -- if you don't put your foot down and say "This is NOT okay with me", he will keep doing it. It hurts to be the tough person, but it's crucial. Had I been firmer when I first suspected something was going on, I might have been able to stop things from escalating so much. It's his fault, but I have to stick it out and be uncomfortable while I'm being firm. So do you, if you're trying to repair your marriage.


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## Dazle (Oct 25, 2011)

A Bit Much... First of all thanks for the reply! And yes, you are correct... the consequences for his affairs have been very small and he figured how to put them behind him!! Maybe I was just being too nice and that was part of me being blind and beleiving in him!!! But after all his games, my trust towards him has really gone down hill and I'm starting to want new things, travel, meet ppl and catch up with old friends!! I'm ready to put things behind me and move on the question is WHERE & HOW do I start?  Just because he hurt me doesnt mean I want to do the same!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Dazle said:


> A Bit Much... First of all thanks for the reply! And yes, you are correct... the consequences for his affairs have been very small and he figured how to put them behind him!! Maybe I was just being too nice and that was part of me being blind and beleiving in him!!! But after all his games, my trust towards him has really gone down hill and I'm starting to want new things, travel, meet ppl and catch up with old friends!! I'm ready to put things behind me and move on the question is WHERE & HOW do I start? Just because he hurt me doesnt mean I want to do the same!


I think you start by just starting. Call up your friends, go out. Take the focus you've had on him and his behavior and redirect it toward yourself. Do it today, don't wait for some magical time to get your own life. You're in control of you, not what he does or says. The sooner you accept this the freer you'll feel. 

Your getting a life isn't going to hurt him, but you'll see some changes in him. He's going to be curious as to why he's no longer the center of your universe. He's going to act different, be all up in your business... I wouldn't let it deter me one bit. It should propel you to keep on going. He's gotten away with disrespecting you and your marriage for way to long, and it's been about time you showed him who you really are. Not his lost puppy, but his strong, independant, faithful wife.


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## Dazle (Oct 25, 2011)

HerMuch & Desert-Rose..... I tried back in the day to seek MC but he refused!!! Even though, I would love to be able to see my husband with me in the future, I'm scared that it won't be possible! He has caused me so much heartache that I don't believe in him!!! I think MC works when both ppl agree to seek it and even though he now tells me he will go I think it's just a front to get me to forget about things. 

He left me approx 5 yrs ago and went to live with another woman. While he lived with her for a few months... I would wake up and go to sleep crying, missed work for 2 entire weeks (Thank God I didn’t get fired). I was so miserable and just wanted him back! He came back to me and I managed to forgive him because the pain I went through was much greater than forgiving him. 2 Years later he cheated on me again and after I discovered him he denied it, I believed in him and took him back! Recently a few weeks ago... I noticed the change once again! The lack of everything, going to work earlier, late arrivals home from work, cell phone always in his pocket, and more frequent restroom usage (where he would go to text) and so on!!! I kind of sense something once wrong AGAIN! One day.. I receive a private call at 2 in the AM... where I was told he was having an affair and where I was told who he was having an affair with as well! It turns out to be a (married) lady within my complex!!! 

It was then that I decided I couldn’t do this anymore not because I didn’t want to, but because I lost interest without even knowing, plus the guy has a serious problem! And there is no need for me to continue wasting any more of my years by his side! With all this said… I COULD be wrong, but I don’t see him changing his bad habits.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah you need to see him for who he is, not who you wanted him to be.

He cheated on you two years ago...and just did it again. Let this fool go. You deserve so much better. Don't waste two more years of your life on him.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If he keeps doing this, then maybe don't believe him about the MC. You don't deserve the disrespect he is giving you. It's going to hurt, but it does sound like it is time to move on. You'll find the strength!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah you need to see him for who he is, not who you wanted him to be.
> 
> He cheated on you two years ago...and just did it again. Let this fool go. You deserve so much better. Don't waste two more years of your life on him.


Yes, he is a wonderful man, just a minor flaw> Ihave a friend like this. Really nice guy. Occassionally, however, he will rob a bank or strong arm rob an old lady. But, overall, one helluva nice guy


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