# Train wreck, followed by fire, followed by an earthquake



## Hale of Bay (Oct 18, 2017)

I?ll warn everyone about to read this now, it?s a long story...so my apologies 

Last year right before thanksgiving I went into a major depression. I withdrew from basically everything including my relationship to my girlfriend of 14 years now. I had my ups and downs. She accused me of cheating, my depression worsened. Finally around July of this year I was able to break out of it. While I was withdrawn there was a 6 week period where me and her didn?t really talk. The rest of the time there may have been small talk here or there. But nothing significant.

Fast forward to September 2nd of this year and one night while she was sleeping I looked in her phone. I had suspected something I didn?t know what though, she would wait for me to fall asleep and she would sit in the bathroom on her phone. When I would ask her what she was doing she?d always down play it, she was playing her game or smoking whatever. But that night I looked on her phone and I found this app called discord. It?s used for lots of stuff including for game (video games) discussions but most of it is weird people wanting to do weird things. The first thing that pops up is a conversation where she was flirting with a guy and he had sent a nude picture to her. So needless to say that was as far as I went. I was shook to the core. I took her phone back to her and once I got her to wake up I asked her what this picture and guy was all about. She told me (first lie) she only did it for her game, you had to flirt with them so they would help you in the game. But later to find out, not only was he not part of that game at all, she had stopped playing that game a month or so before. I asked her if she had ever sent pictures or did anything else, she said no (2nd lie).

Over the next couple weeks things were still rocky, lots of drama. I found a letter she had written to a guy in England, where he had stopped talking to her and disappeared I guess. She wrote a love/goodbye letter to him that contained things she?s never said to me in 14 years. She told him she?d be there for him forever if he ever came back. She told him she loved him at least 4 times in that letter. One of them preceded by undying. In this letter it alluded to sexual things ( discussions) they had done over this time. Once I found this letter and confronted her she admitted that she was in love with him because he was nice, and I just wasn?t there. (Which is true and that is my fault) but she no longer loved him and it wasn?t like she loved me. 

The next week I find a server she was on using the discord app and I find some of her friends from it. Mind you she deleted everything to do with discord when I confronted her that first night. So it was extremely time consuming to track her actions from before. But after finding her friends I found her conversations where she mentioned other ?good friends? and it?s obvious she?s had at least 3 emotional affairs. 

I confront her about that and during this arguement she confesses something she has hidden from me since day one.... when she was 16-17 she had unknowingly had sex with her half brother hundreds of times. She did not know he was her brother and he was 23 and did not know either. When she found out she cut ties with him along with everyone In her family except her mother. She was told by her mother that this man, was a man she had been with and had been impregnated by, conceiving my girlfriend. She knew the boy, and she knew his father they lived in a very small community at the time. She was mortified and disgraced. She had not talked to her brother except for a few random texts throughout our 14 years. Suddenly after our troubles had surfaced she mentioned they had started talking again and she was hoping to go see her father, who she had not seen since the day she found out who her brother was.

She had refused to give her phone passcode for a while stating I could mess with her bank accounts. And she had gotten back on discord to talk to people on a game we both played together and I was a part of at the time. She refused to give me the password for discord and we fought again. She tore me apart mentally. We both lost our tempers and said horrible things to each other. This has dragged on for two weeks. She said she would give me the password but then she deleted the app off her phone so I?m assuming she wiped her tracks down again this time. 

Last night while laying in bed she had left her phone and I looked quick against my better judgement, and there was a text from her father talking about how he would do anything to protect her. Including have hells angels pay people visits (he was drug dealer for them when he was younger) There was no texts before that so I know she deleted them. I assume after her spending these past days hating me she might have told him about our argument and he may be referring to me. So I ask her and she says she didn?t tell him anything. But she did tell her brother we were fighting so she couldn?t go meet him last weekend (a weekend where she told me to leave because she wanted to be alone). Now my predicament lies is should I be so uncomfortable about her telling her brother about our relationship. I Know he?s her brother and in a normal context I wouldn?t care. But wouldn?t that be the same as me telling an ex girlfriend about our relationship troubles. I?m so hurt still. She?s trying some days, but most days she just wants to be left alone. 

I should say, I don?t believe she would ever do anything with him now. She was deeply destroyed by it when she told me what had happened. But I?m a loss for words, I have no more ideas. Hopefully someone here has some insights, something. I?m about to give up. I thought once the train had crashed and the fire burned out I would be able to start rebuilding, but it just keeps piling on....


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I would say that she is a serial cheater. She is damaged goods and you are not going to change her. I would walk, no, RUN! What is so endearing about a woman who is calling the Hells Angels in on you? Great God Almighty Dude! This isn't rocket science. Go find a good woman.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

This sounds like a lot of drama. Since it is not my drama, I can only wonder why you continue to wallow in it. I use Discord for my video games... but mostly I don't use it at all. 
She, the cheater bc she is, sounds sneaky, confused and two faced and I wouldn't hang around to be threatened by theoretical Hell's Angels. 

Also, why in a relationship so long without marriage (not that it would be better if you were, all things considered)? You can physically walk away much easier even though it's just as crappy emotionally.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You guys aren't married.

My suggestion....end it immediately.

Move on with your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you have any children with this woman?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hale of Bay said:


> Last year right before thanksgiving I went into a major depression. I withdrew from basically everything including my relationship to my girlfriend of 14 years now. I had my ups and downs. She accused me of cheating, my depression worsened. Finally around July of this year I was able to break out of it. *While I was withdrawn there was a 6 week period where me and her didn?t really talk. The rest of the time there may have been small talk here or there. But nothing significant.*


So, help me out here. You were in a major depression from November to July, and during that time there were six weeks when you didn't talk to your girlfriend. But you two didn't talk about anything more significant than small talk for the remaining 8-9 months of your depression either? Is that correct?

If that's what happened, then it really sounds like a super unhealthy situation. Even a great relationship isn't likely to survive months on end of emotional distance and non-communication. You need to be actively working to resolve your depression. You also could seriously stand to learn some healthy relationship skills - or even what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Your girlfriend, for her part, is pretty damaged and seems to lack good relationship skills as well. She might be able to do something about that for herself if she commits to intensive long-term therapy. But she's also a serial cheater, and it's pretty rare for serial cheaters to change - or actually want to. 

This is way more drama than any relationship should have. What is it about this situation that is so appealing that you'd like to stay? Don't you think you deserve a healthy relationship? You aren't married to this woman, so leave and get healthy yourself so that you can attract an emotionally healthy woman for a real, stable, functional, low-drama, relationship.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Not a healthy relationship. She is definitely not committed to you. She is having her fun with other guys. She has professed to be in love with someone else and told him she will always be waiting for him. You should believe her and set her free.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Your girlfriend, for her part, is pretty damaged and seems to lack good relationship skills as well. She might be able to do something about that for herself if she commits to intensive long-term therapy. But she's also a serial cheater, and it's pretty rare for serial cheaters to change - or actually want to.


This.

OP, I know your instinct is to try and fix her up but you can't. And the longer you try, the more she will ruin you. Lots of us are a bit fvcked up in one way or another but add to that she's a lying cheat, dude.

It's hard but for your own sake, GTFO.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

RUN ... like your life depends on it, because it may very well. You are asking for a lifetime of trouble if you don't, and if her Dad doesn't have you whacked first. My guess is they are already scoping you out. Your days are numbered.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Unless you're mighty young, being your girlfriend for 14 years sounds like one or both are not in a serious relationship. I suspect its you that's dragging your feet toward marriage (and perhaps rightly so). If that's the case, why shouldn't she be looking for a more committed relationship while keeping you handy; especially since you had withdrawal issues and the reason people stay girlfriend/boyfriend is so either of you can easily walk if problems arise? Most folks don't get rid of an unreliable, smoking, choking vehicle until they've secured a better one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The operative word here is "girlfriend". Dump her. Move on with your life and let someone else deal with her mess. Go find a healthy woman who will love you and not play mind games on you.


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