# He said he hasn't been happy in 3 years



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I am stunned! He got into a argument with my adult daughter for her treatment towards him and said I did nothing to stop her. So to make a LONG story short, after 10 years together, he told me to move, he hasn't been happy in 3 years and he wants time to himself. He was very mean and wouldn't stop to even let me figure out what was going on since I just walked in the door from school. He told me not to text, call and to leave him alone.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

We didn't fight, we got along great, we enjoy doing the same things and sex was good and now you haven't been happy in 3 years. Why didn't he tell me this? I am going along like everything was ok. He is 15 years older than me.

I am devastated- can't eat, sleep, work or function. How do people get through this? I have talked to my physician who is treating me for severe depression. This is ridiculous! He even took back my ring.

I found an apartment and started packing. A few days before I was to move, he asked me to not pack anymore and that was a week ago. I have since gave up my apartment.

You would think I would be happy. I can finally stop crying, however, I feel like I shouldn't unpack. I am afraid, untrusting, confused and I am cautious. I talked to him as much as he will talk about it and asked him if he can be happy with me, he said he is "trying" In the past week, he has cut me roses, cooked me dinner and has hung out with me. When I have tried to talk, he asks if we are going to talk every day about this? I don't feel like he is sincere. I feel something is "off" What is this "time" he said he wanted and how is he going to get it if I am there?

Now I am second guessing my decision to stay after I have cancelled the apartment and utilities. I haven't gotten back my ring and honestly, I don't think I will.

The most crushing part for me was thinking and feeling everything was fine and we were a happy couple to haven't been happy in 3 years, I want time.

Has anyone out there been in this situation and did it work? Am I letting my cautiousness get the best of me? Should I get over this?


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

UPDATE and need advice!

Things haven't gotten any better.

There are awkward silences, coldness, no affection. I asked him two days ago why he hasn't shown me ANY affection, he said he didn't know. Again, I asked him and got the same response. So I figured I would rephrase the question and asked, "So you don't know why you haven't been affectionate to me?" He said it was because he was hurt. He is referring to the fight with my daughter.

It just doesn't make sense to me. HE asked me to stay, he says HE needs time, HE doesn't know WHY he's not showing me any affection.

I try to talk to him but he does not communicate well and he will NOT go to MC or IC. Last night I tried to talk about us and he got mad, yelled, refused to talk and went to bed. I of course laid on the other side of the bed and cried. I said I was sorry and that I love him, he said, "you know I love you".

All I do is cry. I ASSUMED since he wanted me to stop packing and stay, that things were going to be ok. I am afraid to unpack anymore of my belongings.

I am not any better off with my emotions than I was the day he told me to leave the house we have shared for the past 10 years. (His house). I am unhappy, cry and have thoughts of what and why running through my head every day. Trouble sleeping, functioning and working.

He is still cooking dinner and has it ready for me when I get home from work. He doesn't talk about us at all, but other things like people, tv, fishing, etc.

In three weeks, we have had sex twice, very quickly, no romance, (and that was on his end) That is not common for us at all. I told him this morning that I want to have sex with him and he asked me if I could wait until the weekend. I said sure and that I wanted to ravish him, and maybe do some other things, he didn't respond. I know something will come up and we won't be intimate.

I try not to tell him too much that I love him because he made the comment that I already told him. If he says it back, it's more of a mumble.

What's wrong with me? I am not unattractive, but can he not be attracted to me anymore?

I have acknowledged my lack of discipline with my daughter that I apologize for the hurt I could have handled differently.

He says he needs TIME and he is TRYING. It's not going to happen overnight. What is that? Is he telling me he is done and he is trying to have feelings for me? How should I be handling this? ANYBODY????

I want someone to think of me as their all, cherish me. I am lucky just to get a mumbled HELLO. This is not the reconciliation story I hoped for!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You need to get a grip.

Stop everything you are doing.

Now... Let him go.... LET HIM GO!!!


It is going to take LOTS OF TIME.

Quit looking needy.

Try to unravel what he said... look DEEP in the mirror.

Start to change. Give him space and give him time. Let him come back to you.

In my case it took TWO YEARS.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I understand how stunned and confused and devastated you are. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are waiting to get an answer from someone who cannot (or will not) give you one.

Turn the tables on him. Even if you do not genuinely feel this way, ACT LIKE you are moving toward independence. Tell him "I don't like this situation, and I won't live like this". Look assertive, look pro-active.

Stop waiting for him. Make your own plans - to move out, to move on, whatever. This may well get his attention, and if he sees you are serious, he may decide to really start working on the relationship. He says he's "trying", but that's a load of BS. He's not trying. He needs to start doing, and perhaps if you look as though you are ready to move on, it might shake him up enough to stop acting like such a jerk.

If he continues on as is, then it is time to leave anyway. Good luck to you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds strange to me somethings up. he should at least have given you some feed back I'm not happy because of this or that.


sounds like BPD or some other mental problem or over stressed maybe his daughter said something about you when they argued.and that sparked his reaction.

I'd watch him real close make sure hes not crazy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He`s already told you why he`s hurt, mad, and withdrawn.

You simply don`t seem to hear it



Again71 said:


> I am stunned! He got into a argument with my adult daughter for her treatment towards him and said I did nothing to stop her.


What`s this relationship with your daughter and him like?

Does she live in your house?

How often do they argue?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Also what happened specifically 3 years ago?

Therein lies an answer.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> He`s already told you why he`s hurt, mad, and withdrawn.
> 
> You simply don`t seem to hear it
> 
> ...



The relationship between my 20 yr old and him, (us) has been more and more strained over the past 3 years........(there's the 3 year unhappiness, I'm pretty sure of)

Since she was 10, he and I done everything for her. He got her into motocross and we have provided thousands of dollars, have over extended ourselves to see that she has the best bikes, gear and whatever is needed for the competitive aspect of the sport.

Over the years, she has appreciated less and expected more. I never asked anything of her, no chores, no responsibility NOTHING. I did everything, always. I overcompensated for my lack of childhood and excessive responsibilities only to realize that I did more harm than good.

PLEASE don't get into the mistakes I made parenting, I know what I have done and now because of them, I am paying the ultimate price.

She got a boyfriend last year and since then, and our relationship has really done a nose dive for the worse.

She does not live with us anymore, she went to her father's house after the arguement. We no longer provide any motocross gear, accessories, infact we have sold her bike.

My fiance and her do not want anything to do with each other and she even told me that if I have anything to do with him, she wants nothing to do with me. We talk, text and argue still.

There were so many things said that night, so many things that hurt, cut through the bone for each of them. 

He has told me over a period of time that I needed to do something about her, I would talk to her, tell her to watch her mouth and start helping around the house. Nothing would change. I know he has been deeply hurt by her, hurt by me thinking that I didn't do anything but allow her to walk all over him, us, and I DID. 

I can't go back. I have single handed ruined my relationship because of my lack of being a parent and more of a friend.

I have apologized to him over and over. I just hope that he can get over his hurt and we can move forward. I am just afraid that giving him time, space will result in him ending it completely.

Just this morning before work, he came to where I was getting ready and he gave me a kiss, hug and said he loves me. 

I just hate the feeling of uncertainty.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Also what happened specifically 3 years ago?
> 
> Therein lies an answer.


The relationship between my 20 yr old and him, (us) has been more and more strained over the past 3 years........(there's the 3 year unhappiness, I'm pretty sure of)


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

solitudeseeker said:


> I understand how stunned and confused and devastated you are. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are waiting to get an answer from someone who cannot (or will not) give you one.
> 
> This is exactly right! that's the hardest part!
> 
> ...


I am going to try to take these suggestions and put them into use. It's hard to even function, I am weak.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You need to get a grip.
> 
> Stop everything you are doing.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I will try. I know I am coming off as needy and I NEED to stop that.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Again71 said:


> The relationship between my 20 yr old and him, (us) has been more and more strained over the past 3 years........(there's the 3 year unhappiness, I'm pretty sure of)
> 
> Since she was 10, he and I done everything for her. He got her into motocross and we have provided thousands of dollars, have over extended ourselves to see that she has the best bikes, gear and whatever is needed for the competitive aspect of the sport.
> 
> ...



You need to give your daughter a huge reality check.....

She is destroying your relationship, she is sabotaging it. I think little miss princess needs to be smacked upside her head so to speak.

Lay out some boundaries that she cannot ever cross....tell this adult that you will do with your adult life whatever you want. tell her that she will not interfere with your relationship to your husband. That if she has a problem with it too bad. It's not her life.

Be the parent for once.

Your daughter walks all over you... get tough with her and make her life very uncomfortable as long as she interferes with yours.

Love her.. but make it tough love for a while. It's not too late.
Your new husband will appreciate you being a parent.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You need to give your daughter a huge reality check.....
> 
> She is destroying your relationship, she is sabotaging it. I think little miss princess needs to be smacked upside he head so to speak.
> 
> ...


You are right! Dead on! I see all this now, very clearly, it's just too bad that I didn't do something sooner!

I can only hope that over this 3 years that I didn't ruin a wonderful relationship with a man that I love dearly. If he decides in his "TIME" that he can't get back what we had and wants to move on, I will have to move forward. I am hoping that when he says he loves me, it's not a pity party. I was such a confident, mentally stable person before this, now I am a babbling, crying, heartbroken, negative mess. 

I love my daughter, yes, she needs some tough love. I am an adult and I am entitled to be happy with whom I want, not who she dictates.

I bet in the end, I am the one standing alone. I will be without him and without a daughter all because I tried to give what I didn't have.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Again71 said:


> I bet in the end, I am the one standing alone. I will be without him and without a daughter all because I tried to give what I didn't have.


This is extremely likely.

I wouldn`t put any of the advice you`ve gotten in the thread into action just yet as I feel it is off.

I feel it is off because I am exactly in your fiance`s position right down to the timeline and big blow out fight and I`m pretty sure I can give you a damn good idea of what he`s feeling and why he`s feeling it. Maybe even a few ideas as to what to do about it.

I am right now going through almost exactly what you`ve described as your mans position.
It`s so similar it`s uncanny.

I can`t tell you how to deal with it because I`m not sure myself but I`m telling you hearing my story is going to ring familiar to you.

I`m at work right now so can`t reply in depth, I will later tonight so please don`t do anything yet.
He`s not going anywhere right now because he does love you and if his frustration was outweighing his love for you he`d already be gone.

I`m glad I found your post as it might actually help me as well.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> This is extremely likely.
> 
> I wouldn`t put any of the advice you`ve gotten in the thread into action just yet as I feel it is off.
> 
> ...



I will be looking forward to your in depth reply.

Thank you.


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