# moving forward after EA -- NEED HELP!



## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

SO my husband and I have both decided to move on and move forward with our marriage. He has made some changes to show me he is serious. He changed his phone number, he is transfering jobs. He has expressed to me his love, and wanting to be with me. He points out how much i mean to him and how he feels so guilty about what he has done. All of these being a good sign. SO WHY CAN'T I STOP THE ANXIETY. i have a big problem with being overly sensitive. if he doesn't stay all over his transfer.. then in my head, he's procrastinating. Or, if he's occupying his time with his hobbies to either distract his feelings, or for entertainment.. then why do I feel like he is ignoring me. in some sick way, i feel like he owes me so much. I should be getting flowers everyday, and the house work to be done.. Dinner ready when i get home from work. I can't allow myself to let him heal first. how do i control that? i don't want to ruin this great thing we have going.. and me being so clingy or anxious will do that.. i know it. we have couples therapy 1 X a week.. it's seems like months go by before the next appt. I just want to fast forward to a new improved relationship. I am having a very hard time dealing with my emotions.. Please help!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Its very hard to recover from the pain of an affair - give yourself time. One of the biggest hurdles is to move beyond self-pity. It slows down recovery, so try to avoid it (that is - recognize it when its happening. It usually stop once you see it for what it is.) After that, just give yourself time, and don't expect to heal all at once.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

I agree.. it makes complete sense. I do battle feelings all day and avoid showing how i really feel inside.. but i can't be at peace. I know it takes time. I still have many fears brewing in my head that i don't know how to deal with. Is there any other way i can handle this? can i talk to my hubby? i guess i know the answer here.. and it's to just talk it out at therapy. i just want to erase this whole crisis and move on. i guess i have not come to terms with it. and when i see celebrities all over the news doing the same to their wives, it all stays fresh in my mind. my mind does have a way of making me panic..


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Dee4204 said:


> deal with. Is there any other way i can handle this? can i talk to my hubby? i guess i know the answer here.. and it's to just talk it out at therapy.


Talking to your husband is the single BEST way you can deal with this. Try this - set up an agreement with him where you can ask any question twice a day. Or three questions - that's up to you and him. Ask that he be completely honest and allow you the safety to ask anything. At the same time, make sure he is safe to answer you honestly. Even if it hurts you, let him speak. Don't set up a situation where he feels safer not confiding in you.

The reason I suggest this is because it is _your_ marriage, and the confidence, the closeness you build up between you in handling any kind of difficulty is exactly what you need to create the environment you want. It is what build love and trust.

As for needing therapy - I see no reason why you should. All the tools you need are openness and honesty - confiding in one another - even if its painful.

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