# Just overheard a conversation I was not supposed to hear...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So H had two EA's on me...and things have not been that great before those EA's and after them...with one of the reasons being that he has ED and no libido due to antidepressants he was on until 2 years ago....yes you heard right he still has the effects of them two years later...so no intimacy or sex for over two years....

Okay...so today I was listening to the messages on our voice mail at home and his friend must have pocket dialed him by mistake and him and his friend were talking at his place and I heard his buddy say how are things at home and H said not great...and his buddy said so what are you saying she did not greet you after you being away for two weeks with open arms and open legs and you said no are you kidding...I get more affection from the dog....so obviously he did not tell his freind about his sexual issues....I was lived...

I phoned him up and said what the hell I heard everything you said....

He said I was jsut joking because his friend who is single does not get anything either....

Would you be mad about this? To me something does not sit right...obviously his friend knows about our relationship because why would he ask how everything is at home...so that tells me that H probably compalins/*****es about me quite a bit. Am I reading too mcuh into this....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

highwood said:


> So H had two EA's on me...and things have not been that great before those EA's and after them...with one of the reasons being that he has ED and no libido due to antidepressants he was on until 2 years ago....yes you heard right he still has the effects of them two years later...so no intimacy or sex for over two years....
> 
> Okay...so today I was listening to the messages on our voice mail at home and his friend must have pocket dialed him by mistake and him and his friend were talking at his place and I heard his buddy say how are things at home and H said not great...and his buddy said so what are you saying she did not greet you after you being away for two weeks with open arms and open legs and you said no are you kidding...I get more affection from the dog....so obviously he did not tell his freind about his sexual issues....I was lived...
> 
> ...


Yes you are. Many guys joke back and forth about, "getting any at home".


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hell yes I would be pissed.

I am no dr but I find it highly suspicious that he still feels the effects of medication two years after the fact.............


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He complains to his friend (in a typical male way). You complain to the world. Sounds pretty normal!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Okay...so mixed opinions....I guess mixed about it is what I am feeling....

Hope SSRI's can really **** a person up...even years after they stop taking them....it is called postSSRI sexual dysfunction.


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## thrall (Sep 26, 2013)

I would say it's normal men staying stupid **** to men. Business as usual I'd say.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

That's just dumb guy shyte...let it go.

If he could listen in on you and your BFF, wouldn't he hear you dropping some negative comments about him?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> He complains to his friend (in a typical male way). You complain to the world. Sounds pretty normal!


To me all it means is that he acted like a thoughtless, lying jerk. 

I'd be tempted to contact his friend and tell him: it's harder to be affectionate since my husband has ED, but I do the best I can.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

He's not going to tell his friend that he's the reason you guys don't have sex, so he probably tells him you're the reason.... I would never talk to my friends about their wives, or my wife in a sexual way, and if one ever said 'spread her legs' to me about my wife, I'd consider it crossing a boundary.. I'd be upset by that.. but that's me, many guys wouldn't care..


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

I think its bad for the marriage for either spouse to denigrate the other to outsiders. We are supposed to have each other's back.

Even amoungst us guys there are ways to respond, or duck, the question without putting our spouses down.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BWBill said:


> I think its bad for the marriage for either spouse to denigrate the other to outsiders. We are supposed to have each other's back.
> 
> Even amoungst us guys there are ways to respond, or duck, the question without putting our spouses down.


Exactly. I would never talk to anyone about my husband that way, and if I ever found out he was doing this he'd be in big trouble.

Saying that he's just doing the typical guy thing is a cop out. If that's a typical guy thing then guys are pigs. 'I get more affection from the dog"??? Wow.

A simple "Things haven't been great but we're working it out together" would have been fine.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I would think under "normal" circumstances that he is just playing it with his friend.

After two EAs and no sex because of his problem, I would think this is a snapshot of his lack of respect for you.

It sounds like he didn't learn his lesson with the EAs.

Where are you with the marriage? Are you considering a D? In limbo? Still working on the R?

It is hard to make opinions that are meaningful without some of the background information.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If my wife was frigid, or had dry vag issues, and rather than admit it to a friend she threw me to the dogs so to speak, I would understand...i think you are over reacting

do you honestly expect a man to say to his bud "she wouldnt throw open legs at me, I cant get it up anymore...I have ED...dont tell anyone" ???...really...???

wow...do you understand the male psyche at all??? LOL


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

highwood, 

I see a common theme here. He had two EMOTIONAL affairs, meaning that he turned to other women for emotional support and ego stroking stuff. He just spoke to a buddy--he thought it was in private--and he told the buddy he gets more affection from the dog. 

I am hearing a big message that he WANTS affection and will seek it out!!

So I'm not saying you do or do not have sex, or that it was okay for him to mention to his buddy that you haven't had sex because he can't get hard. No way! But I am saying that even though these things are very hurtful, they are a message, and the message is that "he wants affection." I don't want you to miss the message his actions and now his words are saying. 

In real life, he wants affection. 

Now, I completely understand that you may not feel anywhere near affection for him right now because he had two EAs and is blaming you for lack of sex when it's his physical issue! That would be enough to make anyone feel angry ...and thus, not very affectionate! 

However, knowing that he craves affection could be a key to turning this around. I don't mean this mean, because I'm a person in my 50's myself, and the fact is that physically things are different than they were in my 20's, 30's or even 40's! But there are things Dear Hubby and I still do to express all kinds of affection: from kissing and hugging, to winking, holding hands when we sit, sitting right by each other, somethings leaning against each other, cuddling, etc. Not all sex is intercourse. Shoot we even tried going in the back seat of a car and "making out" like teenagers and it was hot as jalapenos and no intercourse!

So hear his message. He craves affection. Then find out what would be affection to him and explain why YOUR affection isn't flowing right now because he keeps throwing up roadblocks.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you'r overreacting, but I'm a guy so...


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

I Don't think it is anything serious, but it is awkward when you know his freinds have intimate information about you....maybe remind him to have some boudaries...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> highwood,
> 
> I see a common theme here. He had two EMOTIONAL affairs, meaning that he turned to other women for emotional support and ego stroking stuff. He just spoke to a buddy--he thought it was in private--and he told the buddy he gets more affection from the dog.
> 
> ...


You are right...I get this...I guess this is why this affair crap is such a vicious circle...it is like I am still angry toward him over the EA's that I want to punish him. I realize that is wrong and like someone said if you choose to stay you have to let it go and move forward which is not easy.

I think too that I have always been the type of person that does not like to show my feelings unless it is anger..the counsellor last year picked up on that and said to me you are more comfortable with showing anger than love and affection and that is probably true. Who knows why:scratchhead:...my dad cheated on my mom and I remember my mom trying to get his affections and seeing her being rebuffed so maybe that stuck with me that why put yourself out like that because then it might not get reciprocated.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I am no dr but I find it highly suspicious that he still feels the effects of medication two years after the fact.............


Possible with SSRI's , my doc gave me Lexapro after my DDay and when I read about the side affects I threw the **** away and yes it can linger for a while and sometimes permanent.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

highwood said:


> You are right...I get this...I guess this is why this affair crap is such a vicious circle...it is like I am still angry toward him over the EA's that I want to punish him. I realize that is wrong and like someone said if you choose to stay you have to let it go and move forward which is not easy.
> 
> I think too that I have always been the type of person that does not like to show my feelings unless it is anger..the counsellor last year picked up on that and said to me you are more comfortable with showing anger than love and affection and that is probably true. Who knows why:scratchhead:...my dad cheated on my mom and I remember my mom trying to get his affections and seeing her being rebuffed so maybe that stuck with me that why put yourself out like that because then it might not get reciprocated.


Highwood,

I'm not a big fan of any spouse talking negatively about their spouse to someone else. It just leads to bad impressions. Negativity should be kept between spouses and worked through. So yes, I think your H crossed the line, he could've easily said, "It was business as usual" which is him "complaining" but not exactly throwing you under the bus.

On another issue, I was thinking something before you posted this and this post confirms it. It seems you keep your H starved of affection and love, but LOADED with anger and resentment. He will never develop those deep loving feelings for you that lead to fixing this problem if that's the case.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I think men do tend to talk this way to eachother frequently, and since ED is a sensitive subject, it was just easier to place the blame elsewhere. It isn't right or pretty, but it's the truth. FWH has a buddy who also has back trouble. They were on the phone recently when buddy's wife drove up, and he suddenly had to get off the phone to pretend to be asleep in his chair so his wife wouldn't want to "get him" which is painful but he won't discuss it with her. Now my h frequently teases his buddy about his avoidance, saying, "Don't you have to go pretend to be asleep now? She's gonna get you!" I just think that's how some men speak to one another. It is sad that he couldn't just tell his friend the truth. It may not be very comforting, but at least you didn't overhear anything earth-shattering.


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