# 1st Time poster...long post..desperately need help!



## sstarman27 (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok...well..dont know where to start...but i need some advice - and may be all over the place in this post but i am about to crack. A little bit about me: I have been married for 10 years. When i met my husband we were engaged and married within one year of knowing one another. He is Catholic and in order for us to live together we had to "abide" by his parents rules. If it was up to me, i would have waited a bit longer but we were very much crazy for one another and all and all it worked itself out. Except for the fact that i had lived life more than he had - i am 2 years older but have been through a lot of hardships in my life. I was a party girl a LONG time ago...used to love the bad boys and when i met him he was totally different. He was kind..very considerate but very naive' about life. He had NEVER lived on his own before meeting me. He didn't know that "your apartment doesn't come with toilet paper and groceries in the fridge," so to speak. He was 23, I was 25. He came from a very religous background with a family that had some really messed up issues but had a lot of money which put a fake smile on their faces all the time....Me, on the other hand - has always had a job since i was 16 yrs. old...my parents were comfotable but always made me pay for anything i wanted after i turned 16..(a car...my insurance, clothes, etc...). Of course i lived at home until i graduated from high school but then moved out when i turned 18 because i wanted to live life. I went to school part time and basically partied for a few years...My husband on the other hand was a vegetarian, tree hugger that never really had been drunk before or anything of that sort.. He is/was a good guy..but we have some major issues going on...and have been for a lONG time. One of these issues is sex. It has always been ok. Nothing great at all but okay. I decided when i got married, (how foolish is this) that i would sacrifice good sex for a great relationship. He put me on a pedestal..(still does in a way) but we have never been compatable in bed. He is very good looking...knows what he is doing for the most part but i just don't think or desire sex with him. My prior relationship before him was ALL sex...no inner connection except that when we were around one another our sex was just mind blowing. You could feel the tension in the room. wow..it was spectacular...BUT we did not have much of a relaitonship. He was in a band...we went to gigs a lot...drank...and had great sex. He made me feel sexy and desirable but my husband really tries to do that too and i just pretend that he does to please him. I have to say that i have to imagine i am somewhere else when we are having sex. I AM SO ASHAMED to say that but i do. In a way - that is cheating!! I am not even thinking of anyone that i know - truly i am not..its more like something that i saw in the past that turned me on and i have to think about it real hard in order to have an orgasm. God, if he knew this he would be so hurt. What guy wouldn't?? But he is ULTRA sensitive. i have tried to bring this up many times when he asks me if i am in the mood and i tell him no.  i know it hurts his ego but i just can't get "IN THE MOOD?" NOW - we have children - twin 4 yr. olds..i am a SAHM - and the LAST thing on my mind even more so is sex. He practically has to beg. I feel horrible. But i am just not....there? Oh man...there is so much more...trying to summarize but its hard...ok - through out the years i have been the one to bring home the primary income. when i lived on my mind, financially i was fine. Since marrying him we are in so much debt we have to file for bankruptcy. IT IS NOT all his fault though - a lot of medical bills and when i gave birth to our kids, (i had triplets...one of my babies passed when he was 11 days old) - i went a bit nuts. The babies were micro-preemies...born at 29 weeks. NO, we did not go through IVF - they were spontaneous triplets. My son passed from a prematurity related illness. my husband was there for me -he really was....but it limited his ability to work because i was a mess and of course i couldnt work..we could not keep up with the bills...his parents lost all their money in the stock market that his dad played around with WAY too much...my parents are less than helpful monetary wise. They helped us get into our home many yrs. ago and they said that it was a gift and to never ask them for anything ever again even though THEY are the ones whom are very well off now - they are very "tough love". Well..we lost our home with a foreclosure and are living in a very small apartment. I do not mind...i am the type of person where as long as the bills are paid - we have money for gas in our cars and a little spending money for chuck e cheese every now and again i am fine. But we are BROKE. I worked for a year and a half with the kids in preschool and during that time we were okay. However, i quit my job because the kids needed their mom. School needed a break and i love staying home with them. BUT, if i am not working - we hit rock bottom. My husband is a nurse and SWEARS all the time that he will find a way to get overtime...(never does)...agency work...(never does)...he works nights - 12 hr. shifts, 3 days a week and sleeps his days off. when i worked fulltime i took the kids to school - picked them up - made dinner, packed lunches, got them up in the am - breakfast, etc....did it all. When he had nights off, yes, he would help but now, he doesn't help with anything which i guess makes sense because i stay home. But we dont have money for me to take the car out to take the kids to a park..zoo...etc...what other moms do. I take them to our pool which is great and a walk everyday but that is the extent of it. He keeps telling me that he is going to "work things out..get extra money..." i am at the point where i roll my eyes in disbelief and we are arguing all the time. ALL the time. He is a procrastinator and i am a planner. I just want to breathe clean, fresh air...not polluted angry air...filled with angst and hurt feelings. there is so much tension and he tries to kiss my a** all the time which i hate but SHOW ME THAT YOU CAN GET US OUT OF THIS RUT!!! I have already pawned my diamond ring..video camera and sold my Durango this week to pay bills. I am always the one that thinks of the ideas to make a few bucks to get by. He just sits around and thinks but doesnt make anything happen. Ugh...where am i going with all of this??? i don't know...i just have lost respect with him to much through out the years. One fall after the next. Broken promises....too many to name. I thought when i was 35 i would have a grip on life....i love my kids more than life itself and dont want them to see us struggle and argue. It has to hurt them. i smother them with my love an affection and do the best i can. In the meantime...what do i do about my marriage? yeah - i could have a husband that is unfaithful or physically beats me which i don't...so i dont know if i should just be thnakful for what i have?? Any advice??? My fingers are gonna fall off from typing so much...

Please forgive me for typo-s - such a long message - just want it "out there" to see if i can get any suggestions please. Thanks for listening...


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## IRISH13 (Jul 28, 2010)

Sounds like your not really there for his needs and he's not really there for yours. Sounds like you both may be depressed. Go see someone becuase it won't get any better.


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## violetgypsie (Nov 17, 2010)

I am very sorry for your situation and can relate to many of your issues. 

I have found much, much, much relief in changing how I think and feel about things. And it was much easier than I thought.

If you would like to find joy and peace in any situation - past or present I invite you to contact me for a no cost confidential consultation.

Peace be with you. 

Sherry


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

You should probably get him to read the book "No more Mr Nice guy". He is unlikely to change if you dont find a way to make him see how much this is affecting you. Its important for the kids as well as your mental well being. Procastinators can waste a whole lifetime, its not intentional but they dont even realise that they are doing it. You have to find a way of holding on to your money and let him no he needs to provide for his household. If he is so religious its mandated in the Bible. If you dont find a way to make him see reason eg counselling, friends, letters any way at all possible, it will have dire consequences financially and emotionally in the future.


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