# Why would she do this?



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I had to find out my ex's new address for my lawyer. 

I am still on good terms with her side of the family so I asked them. Found out she's living in a small crappy town and that where she told me she would be was either a lie or things have changed since then. That's okay. Her life her will!

We (myself, my family and her family) all know that she has abandonment issues but I am seriously struggling to understand the logic behind all of this, because she was/is a supposedly smart and rational woman. I am having a hard time accepting that I probably won't ever understand and my analytical mind just thinks this is all stupid and ridiculous. I know I really should just let it go, but I am having a hard time. I still love her and care about her. I miss her everyday despite all the crap she put my through. It kills me to witness her self-destruction and while it might be arrogant for me to assume that it is indeed self-destruction, all of us (families) admit to see it too. Her family has given up on her and so has mine. I haven't although I probably should, but I am struggling. I don't ever want to get back with her (based on how she treated me), but I still hope she is okay and successful in whatever she does. 

She quit a really good job with many shares in the company, she quit her university classes halfway through them, she walked away from the house (worth over $300K) and as well her $8000 downpayment into it. She walked away from her church and she walked away from people who cared about her. She racked up over $40,000 in debt while we were together, and so wherever she is, she definitely needs a job that can help pay her bills...but I know for a fact in that small town there is nothing except a couple inns or maybe a fast food joint....Maybe she found a sugar daddy? She must have. I don't know. 

I know I shouldn't care about her problems anymore. Obviously she's trying to get away from me, but I was never that bad, so why all the 360's? I just feel like she is running from something else too. 

Although I recently got her contact info, I haven't messaged her. I haven't emailed or texted or called her in well over a year. 0 communication. Up until recently she was practically dead/non-existent. It's clear she wants nothing to do with me so I'll give her just that. I also don't think there is any point in talking to her. She has a skewed view of me and anything I say will be a waste of time. 

I guess it's half rant too. We all deserve to be happy in whatever ways we can be, and I respect that, but at the same token how do you cope knowing someone you love is constantly avoiding responsibility and hurting themselves? Is there anything I can do, even anonymously? 

Thanks. Much appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm. She might be into drugs.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Trying to influence and control outcomes for someone you're not with anymore, and who treated you badly when you were together, seems.....fraught with unhealthy boundaries.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Trying to influence and control outcomes for someone you're not with anymore, and who treated you badly when you were together, seems.....fraught with unhealthy boundaries.


Hardly influencing and controlling any outcomes dude. Can't help worry about her. I wish there was something I could do. I worry a lot about her. I feel like I'll always be looking out for her but I know it's not healthy for me. 

I wish I had proper closure. Having a real hard time getting past this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's got a history of quitting and running and she's got $40K worth of debt hanging over her head. Where's the surprise or confusion? This sounds perfectly in character for her. Could be she has a boyfriend. For whatever reason, she doesn't want you to know where she is and you're probably better off. Once the recycling has been put in the bin, you don't keep checking on it or dragging it back in the house. You tried, it didn't work, learn something from the experience and move on.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> She's got a history of quitting and running and she's got $40K worth of debt hanging over her head. Where's the surprise or confusion? This sounds perfectly in character for her. Could be she has a boyfriend. For whatever reason, she doesn't want you to know where she is and you're probably better off. Once the recycling has been put in the bin, you don't keep checking on it or dragging it back in the house. You tried, it didn't work, learn something from the experience and move on.


So, I'm expected never to see her again? Is this how it is? People just, go from loving to ignoring? Why do I feel this is so pathetic and weak? 

It's just so contradictory to what she always said she'd do with her life. She's totally a different person now. I know my wife is longdead. 

It's definitely in my best interest to stay away, but man, sometimes I wish I could just bash her in the head and tell her to smarten the F up. She's acting like a fool and a child by shying away from responsibility. 

I can't sell my house and move on with my life until she signs the papers or default judgment gets granted. Constantly waiting on this B. 

I just hate how there is little I can do in the meantime. 

Not going to lie, I look forward to her knocking on my door begging for help in misery. This whole thing has made me bitter and cruel.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> Not going to lie, I look forward to her knocking on my door begging for help in misery. This whole thing has made me bitter and cruel.


Well here's your real problem.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well here's your real problem.


How is that my problem? Please clarify. I'm telling you how I feel, not what will actually happen.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

pragmaster said:


> So, I'm expected never to see her again? Is this how it is? People just, go from loving to ignoring? Why do I feel this is so pathetic and weak?
> 
> It's just so contradictory to what she always said she'd do with her life. She's totally a different person now. I know my wife is longdead.
> 
> ...


STOP this. Right now. I know it is hard to let you but you must.

People change, let her go. Stop the madness you are encassing yourself in. Stop using her as an excuse, yes, you need her to sign the papers to sell the house. I bet this is exhausting. Let her go man, stop wishing she comes back begging for your help.
It will not happen, it could, but it will not. Stop being pathetic please....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> Hardly influencing and controlling any outcomes dude. Can't help worry about her. I wish there was something I could do. I worry a lot about her. I feel like I'll always be looking out for her but I know it's not healthy for me.
> 
> I wish I had proper closure. Having a real hard time getting past this.


I understand that you still care about what happens to her, but you have GOT to detach and let it go. She is no longer your problem. She is a grown woman and can conduct her life however she sees fit, no matter how messed up it may seem. The reality is, it just doesnt matter any more. You will make yourself insane thinking about it. 

Just keep repeating....NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thanks folks. I know. It's tough. I just wish I knew what to think when I got emotional like this. I'll try the "NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS". 

I've been doing pretty good, but about a month ago I started crying again every morning. She's been in my dreams again. I see her. She's right there. And then I wake up and she's gone.

I do not believe she is capable of conducting her own life. Lol. I hope it does work out for her, but I can't help what I see coming. She's insane and I wish I could warn the other guy frankly (if there is another guy). She's a trainwreck and frankly, like an addict must be intervened, I just can't help think sometimes that it might be necessary for her to truly heal (and not be with me, but heal for herself). 

Her own family recently told her how flaky she is, and how at her grandma's funeral she was super pissed off she didn't inherit anything. Apparently she thought she'd be set, and her uncle surmised that is why she left me. It all makes sense now. At least I understand.

It just pisses me off that there is nothing I can do to show or tell her that she is wrong. It's not that I am still in denial or anything, it's that I feel like I've had to bear all the pain and consequences and she's off trollying in la la land. Not cool. I am all for equality, if you know what I mean.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> I do not believe she is capable of conducting her own life.


Well you're wrong, she is.

Now stop fantasizing about her crawling back and you should get closure eventually.

If you insist on continuing to obsess about her, want to see her in misery crawling back, and and seeing her as incapable of taking care of herself, the you will never get closure.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

pragmaster said:


> So, I'm expected never to see her again? Is this how it is? People just, go from loving to ignoring? Why do I feel this is so pathetic and weak?
> 
> It's just so contradictory to what she always said she'd do with her life. She's totally a different person now. I know my wife is longdead.
> 
> ...


A divorce is the death of a relationship. Whatever was is no more. We bury the dead. We don't dig them back up and try to resume relationships with them. She is apparently irresponsible, so you may have to wait for your default judgment or you can hire an attorney to chase her down and get a signature. Have you not lost enough of your life to this woman? Will losing another 6 months bring you happiness? She is what she is, not what you think she could be, should be, or what she said she wanted to be. It is her right to be irresponsible or stupid. People make bad decisions frequently. You don't have to be one. You are attending the University of Life and sometimes you'll have to pay tuition. The experience hurts but that's part of life. Learn from it, grow from it, move on. Read your own posts. You think she's stupid, that she's going to be miserable without you, that she needs you to rescue her. That isn't love. Love always goes hand in hand with respect and you never see love without respect. She doesn't respect you or she wouldn't be hiding from you. There is much you can do with this time. You can work on you. No one person ever completely destroys a relationship by themselves. Figure out what part you played and how you can use this experience to emerge a smarter and better partner. If this thing is meant to be it will happen and it won't require your interference. If it's not meant to be it's not something that will bring you any joy, peace, or happiness. Let it ride. Work on you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm with Gus.

The only reason for an otherwise rational human being to do a complete 180, and walk away from everything important in their life, is because of some type of substance abuse issues or mental illness. No one just changes like this out of the blue for no reason. 

My vote is drugs. 

But other than the fact she left you on the limb for $40k....why the fvck should you care?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Some pretty solid advice there, thanks!

Some days I feel like Darth Vader; if I can't have her, nobody can. Yes, that is not love. I agree. 

Most days I just hope she is okay. I still love her and wish her the best, but when I said I look forward to the day she comes at my door, I mean I look forward to the day she accepts her own mistakes. I hope that happens. I was a little angry there. Lol. 

I feel/felt really angry that she would lie to me about where she stayed. I know it might be hard to believe me based on all the garbage I've spewed on here over the years, but I am not a bad guy, and I know that, my friends and family know it...I just wish she knew it. 
When I married her she was like the kindest most religious person ever. It really amazes me that she would even lie and turn into what she is now. 

The entire relationship was so confusing. It's really hard for me to tell what went wrong. I have very few reference points if any. It truly was all magical and one day it all went to hell. Nothing makes sense. I've dissected and dissected every scenario possible and bench-marked it with family, friends and even strangers. Everybody agrees she is ****ed and needs help. 

Some say women plan things ahead of time and men are slow. I agree. But she is not a woman. She is just a frightened little girl as I am just a lonely little boy.

There is no doubt about it. Whoever she is with now, if any, will eventually bail on her. I took a lot of crap from her that now I realize I shouldn't have taken at all. For instance, pne time she freaked out on me in public because I picked up the wrong water bottle. She yelled at the top of her lungs and called me so many mean things. That was when I should have divorced her, but I was scared. So I've come a long way I'd like to think.

Truth be told, our family names tell a lot and the apples do not fall far from the trees. A generalization, but in my case anyways, it's totally true.

I just wish I understood.


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

Pragmaster, I don't know your story beyond this thread, but I do feel your pain. Reality is, you'll probably never know why she left. You won't be able to move on until you accept that. You won't be able to accept that until you get your self-confidence back. When it happened to me, it completely destroyed my self-confidence. Not knowing what role I played in the failure caused me to ruminate on it endlessly. Maybe that's a necessary part of the process, I don't know. I feel like that's where you are now. 

Eventually, I was able to slowly build my confidence back, but it took a year and a lot of hard work. Now I'm of the opinion that, yes there are things I wish I'd done differently, but saving her from herself was never within my capabilities or responsibilities. You can't fix or save people that don't want to be.

Focus on you. introspection is good, but rumination will get you nowhere. Stop giving her room inside your mind unless she's paying rent.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

IMHO You would benefit from counseling to examine, comprehend and alter your illogical motives


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I'm pretty lucky to have a big support system of friends and family. 

I've have taken some professional counselling however. I think I need to try a few new people. Some friends have recommended doing that if you don't get what you need from one. I tried a couple and kind of stopped just due to work and a busy schedule. 
Kind of like Christians go to their pastors for advice, I often go to my shaman and I am really fortunate for what she helps me with. Really fortunate. 

It's almost like the moon brings out my emotions. I am a pretty emotional guy to start with, so sometimes heck all it takes is a song to remind me of how passionate I love, but generally I got my **** together. I've been doing pretty good at taking the negative aspects away from all this **** and trying to find the silver lining. Channeling that energy in a healthy way by keeping myself focused on my goals and my passions in life. I notice the booze and the bud clouds my judgment, and greasy foods make me feel worse; so there is that to consider too. Living and eating healthier, etc.. 

You wrote illogical motives. What were you referring to specifically? I'm always digging for more.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You are very hung up on the ideal. It takes time for a person to detach who was more invested in the relationship. 

As others have said, her issues are not your problem. Wanting to save her is not as noble an endeavor as you may think. The real noble thing is to allow her to be responsible for what she does with her life, what choices and decisions she makes, because those who don't will never learn a.) the full gravity of consequences and b.) the real meaning of responsibility and ownership.

So stay away from her, lest you get sucked into the black hole of neediness and rescuer mentality. Please heal yourself, seek IC, and stop depriving any future, more deserving women your presence and caring. Don't make this woman your "one that got away" because it will harm your chances with another woman that might actually be good for you.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thanks.

I know. It's tough. You are right on. That's how I feel. I could care less to fully commit to myself to a woman ever again. Like you said she was the one who got away, and I truly feel that she is my soulmate. Maybe not in this lifetime I guess. We used to laugh and giggle and have so much fun like children. It just, boggles my mind that this all happened so fast. 

I know it takes two to tango, but you know, I can't help but blame myself for all of this because it really is mostly my fault. If I was more of a man I wouldn't be here right now. I really do believe she did the right thing in the end and that's what makes it so hard. I've been in denial for a long time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I know. It's tough. You are right on. That's how I feel. I could care less to fully commit to myself to a woman ever again. Like you said she was the one who got away, and I truly feel that she is my soulmate. Maybe not in this lifetime I guess. We used to laugh and giggle and have so much fun like children. It just, boggles my mind that this all happened so fast.


Ok, if she really was your soulmate, she wouldn't be gone. You need to let go of that ideal. 




pragmaster said:


> I know it takes two to tango, but you know, I can't help but blame myself for all of this because it really is mostly my fault. If I was more of a man I wouldn't be here right now. I really do believe she did the right thing in the end and that's what makes it so hard. I've been in denial for a long time.


How in the world is this mostly your fault? You don't have control over what she does. And as for being "more of a man", it isn't about that. Its about having respect for yourself and learning to let go of what is out of your hands in the first place.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, if she really was your soulmate, she wouldn't be gone. You need to let go of that ideal.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hear you. It's 50/50, but man, let me tell you what, my 50 had a hell of an impact. 

It really is because:

-When she made the ultimatum to marry or leave me in the beginning, I took her up on it, yes because of love, but also because of fear of being alone, and laziness (I hated dating and I was horrible at meeting women at the time). It was a conscious, lazy choice for me to settle with less and I knew there was more out there. She may be my soulmate, but we may also have multiple soulmates, and just because this life failed doesn't mean the next won't. So the hope is gone for her in this life, but maybe the next. 

-I was a poor listener in pretty much every way possible. I really was looking back now. I lacked a lot of sympathy and empathy and this is something that I had to develop and learn on my own. 

-I took her for granted many times. I thought she'd always be around and more often then not I would make plans without consulting her. In the end she did the same to me. 

-I epic-ally failed her **** tests (I didn't even know that these were real until after). I was scared of her at times and a total beta (pardon the expression but I was a total coward around her). I only stood up against her in the end. I let her have her tantrums instead of manning up and making her feel safe by holding her tightly and stuff for instance. I hated being romantic and she craved it. After she left I watched a ton of romantic and gosling movies. I applied his practices, sure enough it's an effective science. I wish I knew more about women before I got married (and yes, every woman is different, but don't fool yourself there is an extremely basic biology all must adhere to). 

-I never flirted with her. I didn't know how. Seems silly eh? It's true. I only learned how to flirt after she was gone. 

-Sex with her was dull and repetitive. I used to believe she forced me to use condoms the entire relationship, and frankly it's what led me to cheating on her. But looking back, I actually had the power the whole time to say no, too bad, and just go with it, but she convinced me every time of the fear of having kids so I just stopped trying to argue with her. And plus it was her body. This was an interesting kicker though, because I was never able to be spontaneous in passion with her, and yet that was what she said she always wanted. "Powerful, unrestricted, passionate love". It was always planned and boring. If the condom thing had not been an issue, or if I made it clear with her that everything would have been ok (and it would have been), I would have been able to be the natural lover I am and provide her needs. But my mistake that I have learned, is that I can't neglect my needs. 

-I never told her I cheated on her, and I know she never found out. So when she told me she cheated on me, it hurt, but I didn't get mad at her. We were pretty much even. 

Suffice it to say that I have learned a ton and I know she wasn't right for me, but at least, I am properly equipped now for future relationships. Or at least I am better equipped.


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