# Here's a strange one - best thing to happen to you was being cheated on?



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Let me explain. For those of us so emotionally abused by our spouses where we chose to believe everything was great, despite having serious trust issues, has anyone found themselves so much 'lighter' after blowing everything out of the water. My story is well documented on here, but in short, my peudo HS sweetheart played me all the way to our sweet 7 year anniversary. The combination of me choosing to accept things and her continuing to wander cause she is an attention wh0re really nuked things. 

But, I've passed the sad phase and I've been having the time of my life without her. And we had fun together, we were passionate, attracted to each other, good sex...she truly did lead a double life. Im a strong person emotionally, and I'm stoked that moving on with or without her is going to be ok. Reconciliation isnt out of the question, but it's pointless right now. I'm out of the house and she knows I may date - and she doesnt like it cause she knows i can do a lot better than her.

So, like my therapist said, why even try if I'm so checked out? Well, kids for one, my WW has good qualities, cute, caring....but she needs to face her demons. And I dont think that is achieved in a matter of months. Given her previous actions, prior to and through our marriage indicate she wants to be elsewhere, our time apart is just as important for her as it is for me. She doesn't seem to confront reality until is hits her over the head like a 2x4. If she realizes she wants nothing to do with me and prefers a sloppier, less confident person she can nurture, that is fine. It does us both a favor. 

All i know is that there is a world of other people out there, so never feel discouraged that the one you thought was right for you was the only one in existence - quite the opposite. Use a bad experience to build yourself as a person, and you will not make the same mistakes you previously have. I certainly will not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK, sometime I see my self always being that crumpy @ss that hung out at the bar, spent time with the guys from work and drinking till all hours of the night. Taking my wife when ever I felt like it and wiping off and walking back to the TV and enjoying a ton of beer in my lazyboy until the next "ich".

But then I also see my self growing old with some one that truelly cares about me and loves to be loved so she can return the favor 10 fold. Having some one who will watch my back, not take my job, or my money, and show me what intimacy really is.

Its tough but I think some part of me liked ignorant pliss and as long as I got what I wanted my W could do what ever. Then I started caring, old age I guess. So now 19 months later from d-dy and 20 yrs of marriage..... ya I'm glad it happened, maybe thats what it took.

But back in the day.... screw that it was the most painful crap I ever dealt with.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I've been freed from a man who emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me. Being released from that abuse is the best thing to happen. If he hadn't cheated, I'd still be with him and still be subjected to a daily dose of "You're not good enough's".


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm with apple I went through something similiar, God knows where I would be if I stayed... "shutters" thinking about it. He cheated on me several times, had a secret realtionship for most of our relationship, while seeing other women on the side, and made all his friends cover for him oh and after I left him he wanted to get back together. He moved back out of state, visited his family and tried to get baCK WITH ME AND KEEPING TRACK WITH ALL my calls and he called my bf at the time (who is now my husband) and hung up. He is also a writer so he writes mean and horrible things about me and how mean and psycho I was did I mention that we broke up over three years ago I guess his ego was hurt. I'm not a huge fan of the artist Beyonce but my favorite New song is " The Best Thing I Never Had Now I'm happily married, live in a nice home, have a job I like a supportive and loving husband and family while he lives in a S**** apartment stweing in his own bitterness because he is not man enough to stay in the same city where he messed up after everything went down he finished school out of state and stayed there. So yes thanks to him I realize so many things now that I couldn't have before and besides I thank him! If it wasn't for him I wouldnt have befriended one of his friends and through him I met my husband.  Karma God I love her


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Not strange at all. I miss the companionship, being a family and not having someone to grow old with. However, what I now realise is that to get that I comprised myself, Mr indy ceased to exist as a separate entity and instead lost my individualality. I now feel content, free, independent and regaining who I am. My wife held me back, I gave up part of myself to compensate for her shortfalls, the ball and chain is now gone.

Time to move on and not hold back on what I can achieve in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Trial by fire

In many ways my marriage is improved post affair
but the trust will never be back 100%

Did the affair give us the kick in the ass that we needed?
Yes, but I wish it was done another way.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Trial by fire
> 
> In many ways my marriage is improved post affair
> but the trust will never be back 100%
> ...


:iagree:


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Not strange at all. I miss the companionship, being a family and not having someone to grow old with. However, what I now realise is that to get that I comprised myself, Mr indy ceased to exist as a separate entity and instead lost my individualality. I now feel content, free, independent and regaining who I am. My wife held me back, I gave up part of myself to compensate for her shortfalls, the ball and chain is now gone.
> 
> Time to move on and not hold back on what I can achieve in life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I'm currently going through. I haven't shut the door to reconciliation...yet...but it's tough to imagine getting back together right now. I have not regretted moving out, and I'm exploring exactly what that means over the next few months.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

LSO, havent read a post from you in a while. It's inspiring to hear how well you're doing. As for the wife, do you think her remorse over this is genuine from hurting you, or just regretting that she got caught? I imagine it's possible she is putting on a front after seeing you strong and taking care of yourself, bt it's also possible she is genuine. Any indications?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

It taught me that I can't trust the person that I trusted the most in life. 

It taught me that you never really know a person and what they are capable of.

It taught me that given the opportunity, circumstances, right or (wrong) person, and lack of moral compass, even the people you trust the most are capable of deception and betrayal.

It taught me that I am more vulnerable then I ever thought I was.

It also taught me that I am stronger then I thought I was.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Indy: I want to second LSO's remarks commenting on yours (so would that be thirds?) I did the exact same thing, I tried to make her happy, by restriciting my own self. I love my stbxw but dread her attempting R (which she has not so far, 65 days since I discovered her A) as I am beginning to see that I gave up a lot to make her happy, and as my own daughter (age 25) has told me, "Dad she has never been happy, she will never be happy, you tried but it cant be done, YOU CAN DO BETTER!" I have lost over 50 pounds, gave up tv, excessive alcohol, workout and I mean WORKOUT 6 days a week, go to church, and am in better shape physically and mentally then I have been in decades. So yes, her having the affair could very well be the best thing that has happened to me. If only I could get over the lonliness, the sense of betrayal, the utter sadness that creeps in on me from time to time. If only I didnt love her so much. so far I feel I am a little ahead in the trade off, looking forward to time healing the cons, keeping the pros. Then it will be a no brainer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As the betrayed: it opened my eyes up to a part of him I never knew existed. It filled in a lot of gaps & gave me a new opportunity for my life to move in a different direction.

As the disloyal: it tatght me it's not something I would ever do again.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My situation is even stranger in that the person I signed my sublease from happened to be extremely beautiful and - dare I say it - I can't shake the feeling of serendipity playing a role here. It's wild, but I am going to explore this and was completely upfront with this new girl. Turns out (again, what is going on here??), her reason for leaving the apartment was that she was coming out of a two year relationship with her BF, and they decided to move along in life separately.

I'm being cautious though with respect to rebounding, and I don't want to hurt this girl. . .it would be so easy to lie about being single, but it's just not in my nature to be selfish, so I gave her my story and she was ok with it. Amazing.

At a time when I was questioning whether honesty and sincerity is really rewarded in society (cheaters, Madoff, corruption in politics, etc. . . ) this unexpected is a positive reminder that maybe playing by the rules is rewarded. And we ('the honest') also benefit by not carrying any weight on our shoulders - of course after the tremendous pain of deception and lying wear off.

I've come to realize my wife resents my success, which has benefited her and our family tremendously. Obviously I can't be with someone that hates me for my good fortunes, so she needs to explore that. I'm quick to admit that I wasn't the perfect husband, but she has been clear (and I agree) that her double life was her gig - nothing I could have done (or not done) was going to stop it. 

And of course this renewed 180 (from the perspective of moving out) has her realizing that I'm fully prepared to move on, with or without her. And it scares her. She said today on the phone she is hurt and upset that made the decision to leave her and the kids (I still see them often, I'm close), and I reminded her to take a step back and remember the catalyst for me moving out - her multiple affairs throughout our entire marriage. Unreal. . .it's like that chapter is closed and she focuses on the now, not the why.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

LSO, good to hear about the potential new friend, and you're up front, good call. Sorry to hear that the wife wants to rugsweep, still. If counseling can help her break out of that, great. If she still acts in this manner for a few months, then I think it's a good thing you're ready to move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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