# Update from an old timer - 18 years no orgasms



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi everyone, I see a few familiar names. 

I've been thinking I would come back and do an update on my story. I had come to this site 3 (?) years ago when I hit a breaking point with my DH. Had never had an orgasm with him, he had never touched me below the waist, had never given me oral in 18 years. We never talked about sex ever. He never asked if I was having orgasms, I never said anything about it. And suddenly I hit a point where I couldn't deal with the situation any longer. I blurted the news out to him in a fit of tears. Took him completely by surprise. 

I know on this board (at least the way it was) there are only a few of us women who aren't having partner orgasms. Some have husbands that would love to provide - but the women have hang ups. Some have husbands like mine that never tried and don't seem to care. Being in the minority is difficult! This seems to be a magical land where all the men are willing but don't have compliant partners and all the women are getting off all the time. 

This marital issue took a long time to get sorted out at my house. At first there was a period where every attempt to have sex was treacherous. I would watch the clock and say - if I haven't come in 15 minutes I'm calling it. He was uncomfortable too. I could not relax, he was trying to do things the way he wanted to do them but they weren't working. I couldn't give him any help, even when he did things exactly like I did them to myself it felt different. Each encounter left both of us feeling like failures, I am sure. 

Finally there was some success (with like 40 min of oral) and then things stalled out again. He seemed to know I was going to call it at some point. It seemed he would put in enough effort to appear like he cared until I lost my nerve and told him to stop. Then we had PIV and he got off and went to sleep. After months of this I hit another breaking point. I was getting no closer to getting off and now he knew it but couldn't be bothered. During this time I got to points were I (truthfully) told him I was thinking of having an affair and then finally to the point where I said I was considering divorce. I was still young enough to find a relationship where I felt wanted and desired. I couldn't stand the thought that I could go through my whole life and never feel wanted (as opposed to someone just there to get a man off) or experience the things that other women were (like orgasms with a partner!) 

I then decided - I rarely fail in getting myself off and my vibrator has a 100% success rate. So he can give it a try and when he's done I will finish the job (with him there). In retrospect this was the game changer. And at first it was very difficult, but with enough exposure it got easier. I got comfortable with him watching me have an orgasm. He got comfortable knowing I was going to get there. I was satisfied with this compromise because every time I went to bed with him I was getting off. He started joining in and stumbled upon a few tricks of his own that produced orgasms stronger than I'd ever felt before. While I was using the vibrator. I made sure he knew all of that, I had also lost my inability to talk about sex. Of course it is so much easier to say - wow, that was fantastic! Much better than - nope, I got nothing out of that. 

However, during this time he had still told me - in fairness I can see that you should be able to have an orgasm too. But honestly if I had a magic button I could push to get out of it - I would. That was another set back. 

However, even with the set backs I could feel myself relaxing about sex and growing up about it too. I think once you hit a point when you can believe "if I've got the time to get you off then you have the time to get me off too" - then you are a grown up and not still behaving like you are having high school sex which is what I had been having into my 40's! 

At some point he just took an interest. He stopped asking me to get the vibrator out and started trying on his own again - and it started working. 

All this time I had counted these orgasms - the ones he had given me (as opposed to the ones I was bringing on myself.) Forever it had been 5. Then 5-10 went without any breaks. After 10 I stopped counting and that was some time ago. A few times I've even hit 2 in a row and other things I never thought would happen to Miss Scarlett, that is for sure! 

SO things have been good and I'm very happy to have gotten to the way I'd always hoped it could be. It took the better part of 3 years. So I would tell another woman in my situation - you can't expect results overnight. I would suggest the way I went around it - if you CAN get off without him, then bring that in to something you do with him instead. Even if he doesn't ask. ESPECIALLY if he doesn't ask.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Great to hear the good news, MissScarlett! 

I "discovered" the vibrator about 2 years into my marriage with my late husband. Depending on how aroused I am, I can "vibrate" to an orgasm in less than 30 seconds. 

I brought this up to my late husband. Instead of welcoming this news, he felt _threatened_ and _intimidated_ by it. It was a blow to his ego that mechanical device had more "power" in our sex life than HE did.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Working on multiples next?x>


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> However, even with the set backs I could feel myself relaxing about sex


I think this is the key. 

Mystifies me how I have slept with women first hand who can achieve intense orgasms from PIV within 5 minutes no problem. Then there are other women who apparently have SO much difficulty in having an orgasm. All women have the same lady parts... (putting medical issues aside) so the road blocks seem mostly mental. 

Women who are comfortable with their bodies and having sex, who can get over these childish hang ups as you put it can overcome these issues. I don't believe for a second your husband didn't care about you cumming. Quite the opposite, its an ego boost for a man to make a woman cum. He just didn't know how to please you and gave up trying. Only by asserting what you wanted was he able to learn how to get you off. And you did that by becoming comfortable about talking about it. 

Thank you for sharing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> *It took the better part of 3 years. So I would tell another woman in my situation - you can't expect results overnight.*


*This is what people NEED to hear!*

Whatever your problem is, progress does not happen overnight. You work on things, while right away things may not improve but you start learning and noticing more. Then you try new things. Perhaps something gets better here and there. Then you take two steps backwards, only to know which is the right direction to keep pushing forwards. You read some books, get frustrated again. Then as you take a moment to look back you realize what you have accomplished, you take a moment to feel good and the moment you brag you jinx yourself and almost right away everything goes to shît. But this time you know to be patient and stay positive to get things back on track. 

@MissScarlett you better go knock on some wood! If you get my pun you will knock the socks off of it so you hopefully you just didn't just jinx yourself as I always do!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well - I do believe some women can get off PIV but that is not even on my radar. In fact the belief that a woman should just have an orgasm without any effort during PIV is part of what got me into trouble in the first place. 

You expect for it to happen and when it doesn't you are embarrassed and you believe that you are broken. Even though I was, at times, getting myself off daily with clitoral stimulation I did believe with a partner it should just happen PIV. 

I'm over that now though. And another person touching you feels different so it's not even a sure shot that having someone replicate your actions will be effective. 

For me my biggest mental block was believing I deserved an orgasm too when I went to bed with my DH. And the second block was believing if it took more than 15 min it wasn't worth the effort. 

But switching the responsibility from him to me fixed both of those at a crucial point. For me anyway.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MissScarlett said:


> But switching the responsibility from him to me fixed both of those at a crucial point. For me anyway.


I second that.

For 14 years with my ex wife, I could not get her off once (save for gspot orgasms via manual stimulation). She discovered vibrators 6-7 years into the relationship and spent the better part of a year using it on her own. Totally reluctant to bring it into the bedroom with me.

When she finally did, it was a game-changer, though not at the level it worked for you. I still could not get her to orgasm on my own, but at least she was able to use a toy during sex to get herself off.

This gave her a reason to want to have sex with me - which was a good thing. We had reached a point where it was little more than duty sex for her. She was willing, but we both knew she wasn't going to reach orgasm, and sex turned into what you had with your husband for all those years. "High school sex", as you put it.

When I became intimate with my current wife, it was night and day. She has multiple orgasms, and can get off in a minute flat through oral OR PIV. It's partly just because she's built that way, and partly because she clearly knows her body and what works for her.

It's interesting, because she's not a deep thinker - as in she's more a person of action than thought - whereas I'm quite the opposite. This clearly follows her into the bedroom, where she's able to just let go and orgasm, without thinking about it, worrying about it, stressing about it. And I suppose that's really the key.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MissScarlett thank you for sharing this. 
It gives me hope that someday I will be able to share in pleasure with my husband. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Thank you @MissScarlett. Very real advice. I am so happy that you have found this part of yourself and it's making a difference in your attitude with regards to yourself and marriage.

I completely understand your story and where you are coming from. So keep having fun and let your inhibitions go. Having sex in your 40's is amazing. 

Here is to all of us girls rediscovering our sexuality or finally discovering it.:smthumbup:

Good luck and many blessings.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I think this is the key.
> 
> Mystifies me how I have slept with women first hand who can achieve intense orgasms from PIV within 5 minutes no problem. Then there are other women who apparently have SO much difficulty in having an orgasm. All women have the same lady parts... (putting medical issues aside) so the road blocks seem mostly mental.
> 
> ...


Dude, you need to re-evaluate your experience. What you describe is male ego and fantasy not women's sexuality!

MissScarlett, kudos to you for never faking it, and giving yourself permission to demand the time and attention to your pleasure. I'm glad your husband finally saw the light (the first half of your story made me want to come over and kick him!)


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

nice update


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*"childish hang ups"*

The OP never said they were 'childish'. That's your opinion.

What I don't understand is why he was so averse to you having an orgasm? He thought it was fair but if he could get out of it, he would?

What I really, really don't understand is him not touching you below the waist for 18 years. If anyone had hang ups, it was him. He's lucky you stuck around.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Just curious, were you ever under the influence of alcohol during any of this?
My wife has always had a hard time relaxing and letting go unless she's had a drink or two. She get buzzed or drunk and she just lets go, loses her inhibitions, and it all happens with ease. She always could orgasm sober, but a lot easier and quicker with a drinking. This is even more especially since her libido zapped to nearly nothing a few years ago.

I know I often try to give her an oral orgasm before PIV to make sure she has one. But more and more lately she just asks me to skip oral and go for the PIV orgasm which she prefers.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett, I am so happy for you! But I am mostly happy that your husband has pulled his head out of his ass and I would like to remind you that no woman should ever have sex with a man who doesn't show as much enthusiasm for her pleasure that he shows for his pleasure, no matter how long it takes to get there.

Happy happy happy happy!






BetrayedDad said:


> I think this is the key.
> 
> Mystifies me how I have slept with women first hand who can achieve intense orgasms from PIV within 5 minutes no problem. Then there are other women who apparently have SO much difficulty in having an orgasm. All women have the same lady parts... (putting medical issues aside) so the road blocks seem mostly mental.
> 
> ...


I'm going to assume you didn't intend your tone to be so condescending, 

....and that your word choice was a momentary brain fart because you didn't really mean childish hang ups and instead meant something like long standing pressure of slvt shaming and how that negatively impacts female sexuality,

.... and I'm also going to assume that you know that MissScarletts husband did indeed demonstrate a distinct and marked lack of interest in her pleasure and even admitted to her that if he could get out of bothering with her pleasure he would.

....and I'm also going to chalk it up to inaccurate speed reading on how you missed the fact that MissScarlett felt like she was somehow broken because she could not orgasmed in 5 minutes like those women you've "first hand" had sex with could.

....and I'm going to pretend that you meant it as a joke when you intimated that since all lady parts were the same they should all work the same (because that has got to be one of the most infantile thoughts I've seen posted in SIM.)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Well - I do believe some women can get off PIV but that is not even on my radar. In fact the belief that a woman should just have an orgasm without any effort during PIV is part of what got me into trouble in the first place.
> 
> You expect for it to happen and when it doesn't you are embarrassed and you believe that you are broken. Even though I was, at times, getting myself off daily with clitoral stimulation I did believe with a partner it should just happen PIV.
> 
> ...


Can you go into more detail about "switching the responsibility from him to me?" The way I read that is that your orgasm is your responsibility and therefor if you want to orgasm go ahead and jill off...


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

MissScarlett said:


> Well- I do believe some women can get off PIV but that is not even on my radar. In fact the belief that a woman should just have an orgasm without any effort during PIV is part of what got me into trouble in the first place.
> 
> *You expect for it to happen and when it doesn't you are embarrassed and you believe that you are broken.* Even though I was, at times, getting myself off daily with clitoral stimulation I did believe with a partner it should just happen PIV.


This 100%. 



BetrayedDad said:


> I think this is the key.
> 
> Mystifies me how I have slept with women first hand who can achieve intense orgasms from PIV within 5 minutes no problem. Then there are other women who apparently have SO much difficulty in having an orgasm. All women have the same lady parts... (putting medical issues aside) so the road blocks seem mostly mental.
> 
> ...


You are so completely clueless. And it's men like YOU who make women feel bad about themselves and think there's something wrong. There is NOTHING wrong. 70% of women are unable to achieve orgasm through PIV even though we all have the same "lady parts". Not all who have trouble reaching orgasm have hang ups and we certainly are not "sexually dysfunctional" - as you referred to one of your girlfriends in another thread.

Sorry guys, women fake it. A lot. And the biggest reason is because of asinine men who think like this. 



wild jade said:


> Dude, you need to re-evaluate your experience. What you describe is *male ego and fantasy* not women's sexuality!


Yea

Good for you, MissScarlett


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The main point is that her husband had no desire to please her and would have preferred to have never learned that she did want an orgasm. He was one selfish pr!ck.

He was so selfish that he didn't even bother to touch her below the waist. I can only imagine the machinations he went through trying to guide himself to penetration without having to actually TOUCH her. His little brain was probably agog with thinking "ewww, ewww, ewww". For 18 years!!!

It's a miracle that she was able to turn this around. Most women would have bolted 17 years and 11 months earlier.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Sorry, I am trying to navigate this new board system on my tablet and can't find how to quote from previous posts. 

Anon Pink asked what I meant by making an orgasm my responsibility and taking it off him. 

Referring to Phase 2 of how things developed. Phase 1 being "I've informed you that I've never had an orgasm with you and I want to. Now you need to learn how to do it. This only had varying success. He would try but I was overly concerned about it taking too long. I felt if he had put 15 min in with no results I should not require him to continue. So I was still going to bed with him with no orgasm for me and one for him. Then it seemed he got wise to this time limit and on his own would desist and move on to PIV (which never has and likely never will produce an orgasm, which is fine.) My situation really hadn't improved that much. 

Phase 2 - I said wait a minute. I can get myself off and it's not too much problem. Here's how this is going to go. You have a go. For as long as you want. If no orgasm has happened by that point I will bring my vibrator in to get one. Or get one manually. If we are having sex then I'm having an orgasm. I was happy to hold PIV ransom till I had one. It's no longer acceptable that only you are getting off and I'm going to make sure it happens. Which, I understand, may seem a bit harsh to some here but this was really the turning point in my sexual maturity. And his. It set the bar. 

Phase 3 - He takes an interest in his own. I'm no longer stressed about time. I no longer have anxiety about will I /won't I, what if this is a disaster. And he's gotten really quite good at it. Oral specifically. Haven't had my vibrator out for quite some time. 

Someone asked about alcohol - if anything I feel alcohol numbs and makes it a little harder to orgasm. However I think my issues were entirely because I didn't believe he cared at all if I came and that's really hard to relax and get into. 

Also on faking, I had faked regularly and took a huge flaming for that on this board when I first got here. However - when I discussed the faking with DH later he was like - you were what? All my theatrics did not lead him to believe I was cumming. This was not a case of him thinking I was having orgasms and I was faking. 

We don't talk about the past much at all. I found the clean slate approach more helpful and I do not remind him of our sexual past nor does he remind me. I definitely gave up the faking and never will again. I want to have orgasms and faking them is completely contrary to what I want out of sex. 

So - my advise to other women who aren't having orgasms and want to. If you can get off alone you can get off with your partner there. It's very uncomfortable to start, but practice makes it comfortable and a normal thing to do with a partner.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The main point is that her husband had no desire to please her and would have preferred to have never learned that she did want an orgasm. He was one selfish pr!ck.


I could not agree more! What if he hardly ever had sex with her at all because he decided he didn't want to anymore? Would that be equally selfish? 
@MissScarlett, can talk about how his attention to your sexual needs made you feel? Loving? Connected?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Dude, you need to re-evaluate your experience.


I don't think so. I'd say at least 50% of all women have some kind of sexual hang up. Blame it on men, blame in on society, blame it on upbringing or religion. I don't care. 

There are plenty of women who have zero problems achieving orgasm easily. The one that do it's usually a mental block of some kind due to (insert blame here).


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm going to assume you didn't intend your tone to be so condescending


Hmmmm, not sure where you are getting that from. I was glad for her.



Anon Pink said:


> ....and that your word choice was a momentary brain fart because you didn't really mean childish hang ups and instead meant something like long standing pressure of slvt shaming and how that negatively impacts female sexuality,


Like I said a mental block.



Anon Pink said:


> ....and I'm also going to assume that you know that MissScarletts husband did indeed demonstrate a distinct and marked lack of interest in her pleasure and even admitted to her that if he could get out of bothering with her pleasure he would.


There was a clear communication issue. He's not a villain. He wanted to please his wife (40 mins of oral, lord knows he's trying)

Some women would rather sit there in silence, petrified of being deemed a slvt, then just say, "Hon, a little to the left" which would fix 90% of the problem. 



Anon Pink said:


> ....and I'm also going to chalk it up to inaccurate speed reading on how you missed the fact that MissScarlett felt like she was somehow broken because she could not orgasmed in 5 minutes like those women you've "first hand" had sex with could.


She's not broken, she just needed to RELAX and COMMUNICATE. 

Her words. Her mind was her own worst enemy. 



Anon Pink said:


> ........and I'm going to pretend that you meant it as a joke when you intimated that since all lady parts were the same they should all work the same (because that has got to be one of the most infantile thoughts I've seen posted in SIM.


Are they not all the same? If the issue is sexual 9/10 times it's mental.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

JoannaG said:


> You are so completely clueless. And it's men like YOU who make women feel bad about themselves and think there's something wrong. There is NOTHING wrong. 70% of women are unable to achieve orgasm through PIV even though we all have the same "lady parts". Not all who have trouble reaching orgasm have hang ups and we certainly are not "sexually dysfunctional" - as you referred to one of your girlfriends in another thread.
> 
> Sorry guys, women fake it. A lot. And the biggest reason is because of asinine men who think like this.


Project much? Take accountability for your orgasm. 

Either the problem is him, you or both. 

FYI: It's not always him.......


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Vega,

That is truly a sad story.




Vega said:


> Great to hear the good news, MissScarlett!
> 
> I "discovered" the vibrator about 2 years into my marriage with my late husband. Depending on how aroused I am, I can "vibrate" to an orgasm in less than 30 seconds.
> 
> I brought this up to my late husband. Instead of welcoming this news, he felt _threatened_ and _intimidated_ by it. It was a blow to his ego that mechanical device had more "power" in our sex life than HE did.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Hmmmm, not sure where you are getting that from. I was glad for her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ah. I see I should not have given you the benefit of doubt because you did intend to be as simple as you came off. 

Instead of arguing here, which is usually my first reaction, maybe it would be best to attempt a dialogue with you.

Your use of the word (mental) is offensive. It implies an illness not in evidence. It implies the person to whom you've directed that word is incapable of making decisions or adding a column of numbers. It is derogatory. Please do not defend your word choice, which I'm sure is what you would like to do but I'm asking you not to. Just accept that the word (mental) is a word you need to replace with something that carries less baggage and is more accurate.

You come off sounding as if women who take time to relax into sex in order to orgasm have something wrong wit them. The only thing wrong with them is that they are made to feel as if their sexuality is off because it is being compared to a man's sexuality. Women do not experience sex and arousal in a liniar pattern the way men do. The sooner you can grasp that the better your own sex life will be, because (various studies state different stats) 70% of women have difficulty orgasming. 

So unless yo plan to interview potential dates and ask them if they orgasm easily, you will have to deal with women who don't orgasm easily and there are a hell of a lot more women who have difficulty than there are women who do not. Go it?

No, lady parts do not function the same. Because....wait for it....they function through nerve connections that run through the brain. Every mind functions differently and since the lady parts are neurally attached to the mind, they all function differently. The mind that was told only wh0res act like they like sex, only slvts talk openly about sex (guilty as charged and happy to wear the Pink S on my shirts) sex is magically supposed to be wonderful but you must kept those legs closed until marriage...to a man who knows even LESS about a woman's sexuality. The same mind that worries if she is doing it right, that thinks there is something wrong because he gets an orgasm every time but she never does so she better fake it or he might think he is doing it wrong ( which he most certainly is!) That mind, the one warped by sexual repression and body image problems and a love hate relationship with the vagina. Yeah right, that's the mind that can just put all of that worry and conditioning aside and tell him a lettle to the left,...the same guy who never even touched her lady parts except to insert his penis! Puuuulllleeeese! Don't be so simple!

Now, you can take this knowledge and become a better lover, or you can sulk and plug your ears to keep new knowledge out so that you never appear to be wrong or incorrect.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Sorry, I am trying to navigate this new board system on my tablet and can't find how to quote from previous posts.
> 
> Anon Pink asked what I meant by making an orgasm my responsibility and taking it off him.
> 
> ...


1. Yeah for your husband finally finding your lady parts and treating them to the loving attention they so richly deserve!

2. I'm just pointing out here, for those men who still seem to think orgasm difficulty is all her mental fault. Check the bolded part! Mr Scarlett never noticed that her theatrics indicated orgasm. A female orgasm was NOT in his zone of awareness. The dude did not notice one way or the other. How the **** is the good girl virgin supposed to figure out how to orgasm during sex when her husband doesn't touch or caress her lady parts and she thinks she is supposed to magically orgasm just like he does? 

3. Only when MissScarlett closed her vagina to penile penetration did her husband find a way to help his wife orgasm. While I'm very happy she did held penetration hostage, I'm also very sad that her husband was so dense he had to have the proverbial gun to his head before he learned his wife's pleasure was every bit as important as his!






> We don't talk about the past much at all. I found the clean slate approach more helpful and I do not remind him of our sexual past nor does he remind me. I definitely gave up the faking and never will again. I want to have orgasms and faking them is completely contrary to what I want out of sex.
> 
> So - my advise to other women who aren't having orgasms and want to. If you can get off alone you can get off with your partner there. It's very uncomfortable to start, but practice makes it comfortable and a normal thing to do with a partner.



MissScarlett, do you feel resentment? You said you two don't discuss the past and have started with a clean slate. Can you give some pointers on HOW to do that? How do you keep resentment at bay? How do you keep the past in the past?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> *"childish hang ups"*
> 
> The OP never said they were 'childish'. That's your opinion.
> 
> ...


hee hee, yup he was the one with hang ups and his hang ups gave MissScarlett hang ups.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi again, 

I don't think resentment is the right word. Its been easy to let go because now I have the sex life I want. The orgasms I can have with DH are stronger than the ones I can give myself and there's never any power play or being defensive during sex wondering if he's going to make an effort. I also accept responsibility for going about things the wrong way. As I said in my first post, we were equally immature about sex. If either one of us would have been mature this situation would have never happened in the first place. We were in our 40's and had never talked about sex. I mean I think of what could have been if in my 20's I had said to him - you know I've never had an orgasm with someone and would like to. Or if he'd ever asked me if I'd had one or what I liked. Back at the beginning. 

This board can be frustrating for women who have orgasm issues. We are like the rare unicorns of the board that some find difficult to believe exist. I ran by a few months ago (but could not get logged on to save my life) where some poor girl was wanting to learn to orgasm with a partner and was basically being told she couldn't have a problem because everyone wives come all the time. All women have to do is get 3 min of foreplay in them and a penis and she should pass out from cumming so much right? 

We do exist. I have a close knit group of friends all married 20 years or more. In our group 2 of the women have never had an orgasm with their husbands. (Im no longer the third thankfully). One more has one per month on average despite 3x/week of sex. One friend does get off every time but because she presses her legs together with her DH penis between so she can stimulate her clitoris and it works for them. Nobody is having PIV orgasms. Everyone that is getting off is a clitoral/foreplay situation. Till I came to this board I didnt even know there were men who cared if a woman had an orgasm. As in that was important to them or a goal of theirs. 

Let me illustrate one problem we had. DH had not given me oral for the 18 years we were married at that time. I'd had oral prior to him but never had an orgasm from it. DH starts giving me oral. Having not ever done it. There's a learning curve. Yes it felt good but I didnt know why the sensations aren't building. I can't go down on myself. I have no knowledge of what's going to ring the bell because it's never been rung that way. DH developed a preference for the queening position. Him on his back, me kneeling over him. He liked giving oral this way, wanted to try it this way every time. Ok. Never resulted in an orgasm and I doubt it would work now. It was months before I read in She Comes First that this position rarely produces an orgasm. I certainly don't envy the months where my DH was trying and had no succes. I'd been masturbating frequently with a vibrator in the bathroom for 10 years prior. Feeling fingers and lips and tongue is a very different sensation. It feels great but it's unfamiliar. Been masturbating sitting up for 10 years, now I'm lying down. Everything had to be learned. Just like anything new that anyone tries. At first it is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It gets better the more you do it but it can be time consuming.

Anon - you have such a way with words! He learned to help me when I held PIV hostage. Yes! I remember that day well. Pretty sure it went something like - don't you ever effing touch me again unless you're making some effort to get me off! Because yes, at that time he would have been happy to be excused from me ever getting off again. He didn't like the way our sex life had changed. For over a decade he had felt my breasts for a few minutes and then I got on top of him until he finished. I hadn't ever complained. It was working out great for him. 

The reason I am being so graphic and probably sounding really pissed off is because I know there are women like me who come here to this board. The reason I came back to update is because it IS possible to learn to orgasm with a partner and I want other women to know that and have some hope. I want women to not wait 18 years to say something. I want them to intervene much earlier than it took me. And if their DH are willing all the better! There are men who would love to please their wives and have good fulfilling married sex. Let's all be having orgasms. Orgasms are great!" 

Having said a lot of harsh things here about my DH I will say again - he did take the initiative and learned my body. It was long after the threats and the fighting. It was after I had accepted I was going to be getting myself off during every sexual interlude with him. He had a change of heart or started to see things in a different light. And when that happened I fell in love with him again (as one does many times during a marriage). We'd be out and I couldn't wait to get home with him. It changed how I felt about myself too - I felt wanted and important to him in that way. I upgraded all my sleepwear and started dressing sexier when we went out. I am happy now that I can tell him how he makes me feel and that I want him too. A part of me was born that hadn't existed till that point. And it should be that way! It should.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Vega said:


> Great to hear the good news, MissScarlett!
> 
> I "discovered" the vibrator about 2 years into my marriage with my late husband. Depending on how aroused I am, I can "vibrate" to an orgasm in less than 30 seconds.
> 
> I brought this up to my late husband. Instead of welcoming this news, he felt _threatened_ and _intimidated_ by it. It was a blow to his ego that mechanical device had more "power" in our sex life than HE did.


I just so read that last paragraph wrong... 

It can be a blow... but consider its a friggin machine. would he be upset that a properly designed forklift can lift more than him? or a lorry carry more? or a powertool drill better/sand better/cut faster?
If such things _couldn't_ work better, or reliably, or at least conveniently they would have never made it past first try.

There are many things that the toys can't do. But convenience and personal control, if it didn't do the job someone would just design it better.

A painter isn't jealous of their paintbrush, nor a builder of their hammer. It just takes practice to be good at all the tools, natural and artificial, which makes the craftsman notable.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Well done Miss Scarlett for taking matters into your own hands. So much of physiological response is learned behavior and mental prioritisation. so glad that you took the initiative and actually made the effort to try out solutions, and came up with so much of a road map to getting such things to work, also it is strange what some peoples triggers are. Some like to have it about them, some find a degree of dominance is necessary, others find such things as revolting; for some it is a physical act, others require a mental "getting into that head space" (and staying there!!) to get past that plateau point. for men and women. Bravo.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, please, let us all remember that some 70-80% of women CANNOT orgasm through PIV alone and REQUIRE other forms of stimulation. 

And that taking time to orgasm is NOT a sign of defect. 

The whole she comes real quick from his stellar c0ck thing is just a male fantasy and anyone who thinks this is healthy female sexuality is getting information from porn and not real women. Or has only been with partners who are totally faking it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

@MissScarlett ... so happy to hear.. I remember reading a thread you did some time ago... feeling how brave you were to lay it all out here ....What a Breakthrough !! You need a BIG congratulations !.. This is better than any party you'll ever be honored for !! 












BetrayedDad said:


> *Women who are comfortable with their bodies and having sex, who can get over these childish hang ups as you put it can overcome these issues. *I don't believe for a second your husband didn't care about you cumming. Quite the opposite, its an ego boost for a man to make a woman cum. He just didn't know how to please you and gave up trying. Only by asserting what you wanted was he able to learn how to get you off. And you did that by becoming comfortable about talking about it.


I really don't know that anything is so cut & dried.. take Me for example..... I definitely had some sexual hangups, with oral particularly...I can't say me & husband openly talked about sex either.... masturbation was terribly taboo to us... I wasn't comfortable having my husband see me fully naked.... I wanted a sheet.. stupid stuff.. I was "sexually repressed" in some ways...insisting on being a Good girl.. yet riding the fence with those orgasms... never had any trouble with those ... from the 1st time he touched me.. 

Then we were married...I still needed more comfort with my own body.. and his.. yet orgasms under that sheet were just never an issue.. go figure... 

So is it really always that.. I don't know.. does anything make sense in the sexual realm.. there are so many variables!...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Your use of the word (mental) is offensive. It implies an illness not in evidence. It implies the person to whom you've directed that word is incapable of making decisions or adding a column of numbers. It is derogatory. Please do not defend your word choice, which I'm sure is what you would like to do but I'm asking you not to. Just accept that the word (mental) is a word you need to replace with something that carries less baggage and is more accurate.


Sigh..... I do respect you as a poster tremendously. I think your better than this political correctness nonsense. 

You know damn well I never implied illness or defect nor is that what the word even means. Disappointed to say the least.

I will move on from this thread because it's not worth an argument over an obvious misunderstanding. Good luck OP.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sigh..... I do respect you as a poster tremendously. I think your better than this political correctness nonsense.
> 
> You know damn well I never implied illness or defect nor is that what the word even means. Disappointed to say the least.
> 
> I will move on from this thread because it's not worth an argument over an obvious misunderstanding. Good luck OP.



When I was a kid many times I corrected my mother's use of the word colored. She insisted she meant nothing harmful by using the word colored to refer to those of African descent. It was a word she grew up with and to her it was simply a descriptor of skin tone that revealed African heritage. Unfortunately, she could not grasp that those to whom she referred as colored did not wish to be identified as colored because to THEM it discounted their heritage and only focused on their skin tone.

You know all of that I am sure. The point I am trying to make is that, like my mother who meant no harm by her use of the word colored, you also mean no harm by your use of the word mental. Using the word mental to describe someone's problem infers a mental illness or infirmity. You cannot deny that.

Referring to a woman's orgasm difficulty as a mental problem strongly suggests that her difficulty is a form of mental illness or infirmity. I know it is common to refer to a man with ED as having a mental block, but again the use of the word block qualifies the word mental and pinpoints the meaning to exclude a mental illness or mental infirmity.

This is not a case of political correctness. This is a case of using accurate speech and being aware of how you or your words are perceived by others. If you do not intend to be perceived as insulting then it is in your best interest to check your word usage. You know what you intend, but do you know how well those intentions are being perceived?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is not a case of political correctness. This is a case of using accurate speech and being aware of how you or your words are perceived by others. If you do not intend to be perceived as insulting then it is in your best interest to check your word usage. You know what you intend, but do you know how well those intentions are being perceived?


Mental - adjective - of or relating to the mind

Nothing more.... When the dictionary updates the meaning, I will correct my usage. I see no reason why I have to cater to people's mistaken perceptions of what they THINK it means. The word is already defined and it has nothing to do whatsoever with illness. If someone is insulted by a mistaken understanding of the word on their part, then that's not my problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Mental - adjective - of or relating to the mind
> 
> Nothing more.... When the dictionary updates the meaning, I will correct my usage. I see no reason why I have to cater to people's mistaken perceptions of what they THINK it means. The word is already defined and it has nothing to do whatsoever with illness. If someone is insulted by a mistaken understanding of the word on their part, then that's not my problem.


Does this mean you have a difficult time with change in general or admitting you're wrong?

What I take from your post is that you cannot admit you might not be right. I think that because I do get the impression that you prefer not to hurt and have a soul that is essentially nurturing. If those impressions are true and I've just explained why using one simple little word is hurtful and you refuse, it must mean that your need to not be wrong is stronger then your nurturing soul.

You might want to have that looked at.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

LOL, that last post was skillfully done AP . 

So what is the non-hurtful way to describe the fact that a good part of solving the issue has to come from inside the women's head. Or perhaps a temporary male size shot of testosterone might make the unused synapses sizzle enough to be noticed. 

And no, I am not minimizing the importance of a supportive and curious partner either...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Does this mean you have a difficult time with change in general or admitting you're wrong?
> 
> What I take from your post is that you cannot admit you might not be right. I think that because I do get the impression that you prefer not to hurt and have a soul that is essentially nurturing. If those impressions are true and I've just explained why using one simple little word is hurtful and you refuse, it must mean that your need to not be wrong is stronger then your nurturing soul.
> 
> You might want to have that looked at.


No, it means that just because something bothers you doesn't mean it's wrong. There is a vocal minority in society that has decided to throw LOGIC out the window in favor of living in a "what feels good" world. The word ONLY has one definition. If you want to redefine it because of some personal agenda then contact the Merriam-Webster's dictionary.

Look, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's not why I'm on TAM. I know better than anyone what it's like to be in incredible pain. When I throw 2x4's around, it's because I know sometimes to cure the illness, you need to attack the cancer. Maybe you should be more tolerant of where others come from and their points of view rather than try to alter their speech patterns. 

If you accept my word at face value, that I meant mental in the dictionary defined sense and certainly not to offend or insult anyone, then this conversation should be over. It's not about me wanting to be right. It's me essentially being asked to apologize (admit wrong) for a mistake I did not make. I reject that notion and my soul is okay with that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

anonmd said:


> LOL, that last post was skillfully done AP .
> 
> So what is the non-hurtful way to describe the fact that a good part of solving the issue has to come from inside the women's head. Or perhaps a temporary male size shot of testosterone might make the unused synapses sizzle enough to be noticed.
> 
> And no, I am not minimizing the importance of a supportive and curious partner either...


It depends on who's talking and who is being talked to. I like "emotional baggage that needs unpacking."


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Yes, please, let us all remember that some 70-80% of women CANNOT orgasm through PIV alone and REQUIRE other forms of stimulation.


The 70% - 80% rate is what I've observed in my previous years of relationships. One interesting detail is that my wife cannot have an orgasm through PIV alone except for the two times in her life that she tried legal edible marijuana.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Mystifies me how I have slept with women first hand who can achieve intense orgasms from PIV within 5 minutes no problem. Then there are other women who apparently have SO much difficulty in having an orgasm. All women have the same lady parts... (putting medical issues aside) so the road blocks seem mostly mental.
> 
> Women who are comfortable with their bodies and having sex, who can get over these childish hang ups as you put it can overcome these issues. I don't believe for a second your husband didn't care about you cumming. Quite the opposite, its an ego boost for a man to make a woman cum. He just didn't know how to please you and gave up trying. Only by asserting what you wanted was he able to learn how to get you off. And you did that by becoming comfortable about talking about it.


I'm not sure if the disagreement over the word 'mental' is pertaining to my case or just women in general. 

However, I have a couple of thoughts on the subject. Betrayed Dad, I do not think you meant to be hurtful right off the bat - but you did with your first post here. 

In the first paragraph you remind me that some women can have an orgasm within 5 minutes of PIV action (which as someone else said is exactly what women expect out of themselves and then feel a failure when they cannot achieve.) And then you note that the woman who cant accomplish this must have some psychological issue barring them from it. No shared responsibility with the man or allowing for differences from what one woman needs to another. 

Then in the second paragraph you state my DH wanted me to have an orgasm all along. He didn't. He stated that he didn't care. In 18 years he had never put his mouth, fingers, hand, anything on my genitals. In fact he would not even use his hand to insert his penis into me. I did that. He wouldn't touch my stomach, legs, vulva, vagina, rear. 

When I explained to him that I needed direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm he did start to do these things, but he was not doing it out of a desire to do it. It was not a case of all the stimulation I needed but I could not let myself orgasm. I was getting oral from someone who would have rather been doing anything else at the time. He did not show any desire for me in general or for me to have an orgasm until much later. And when he DID start to want me to have one - I started having one. 

My point being it was *not* just me. He had issues to overcome as well. It was much more complicated than me learning to relax - and that's what was hurtful to me. I'm willing to share the blame most definitely but I'm not about to take all of it. It wasn't a simple problem and it wasn't a simple solution either.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> No, it means that just because something bothers you doesn't mean it's wrong. There is a vocal minority in society that has decided to throw LOGIC out the window in favor of living in a "what feels good" world. The word ONLY has one definition. If you want to redefine it because of some personal agenda then contact the Merriam-Webster's dictionary.


 @BetrayedDad I was going to troll you by quoting the fact that dictionaries are no longer printed anymore in our modern world, but yet Merriam-Webster does actually have a 2016 printed edition. Now that defies LOGIC in my opinion. 

Oxford is now out of print. At least they got the memo.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm not sure if the disagreement over the word 'mental' is pertaining to my case or just women in general.
> 
> However, I have a couple of thoughts on the subject. Betrayed Dad, I do not think you meant to be hurtful right off the bat - but you did with your first post here.


I sincerely apologize if you took offense, it was not my intention. Nor was it to thread jack on a philosophical debate on the perceived meaning of mental. If I may, perhaps your husband is simply a terrible lover then? I've met a few woman in my day who assumed we were playing a game of "dead fish" rather than having sex.

In any event, I find it hard to fathom that he didn't care at all about making you happy or feeling fulfilled. If you truly believe that,then he a cruel and callous person and you should be filing for divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Does this mean you have a difficult time with change in general or admitting you're wrong?
> 
> What I take from your post is that you cannot admit you might not be right. I think that because I do get the impression that you prefer not to hurt and have a soul that is essentially nurturing. If those impressions are true and I've just explained why using one simple little word is hurtful and you refuse, it must mean that your need to not be wrong is stronger then your nurturing soul.
> 
> ...


Ouch!

Wrapped, taped and boxed....your virtual ears, that is!

Kinda like a whistling-kissing blow to one's pride.

A glancing punch to your ego.

Does not hurt at first....the bruises tomorrow do attest its past.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It's no problem, Betrayed Dad. I did not take offense. Feeling like my situation was all my fault prevented me from doing anything about it for far too long. Even though a lot of us here have stories that sound clear cut and one sided - sexual issues are complex and rarely just one partners problem. 

I think DH was more immature than malicious. As I said earlier it was kind of like we hadn't evolved out of our high school skill set. Sexually. But I did consider divorce and was pretty sure we'd never reach our 20 year anniversary. (Which was this year). I'd reached the point where I couldn't bear the thought of living my whole life without feeling wanted or having intimacy or having the sexual experiences I'd hoped to have. 

Thankfully it did not come to that, though, and we were able to work things out (taking the better part of 3 years) I have those things I wanted now and do not take them for granted.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There were no less than 4 other women who also posted about the insensitivity @BetrayedDad showed in his reply. And most importantly, MissScarlett admitted it was hurtful. 

But by all means it is US who have the burden to grow thicker skin because asking him to change one stinking word was ...

This is NOT about the thought police, being politically correct, or even feminism. It's about demonstrating respect toward the person to whom your word are directed.

"I sincerely apologize _if you took offense..._"

This is NOT an apology! It does not include taking responsibility for the words that caused the harm. It clearly states, you took offense. It does not state my words were poorly chosen.

Why the fvck is this so hard for some men to understand? I just don't get it and I really really don't want to keep this going.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> He did not show any desire for me in general or for me to have an orgasm until much later. And when he DID start to want me to have one - I started having one.


That's so sad. I cannot imagine a hetrosexual man not wanting to touch his wife's body, not only for her pleasure, but for his own. What changed for him?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is NOT about the thought police, being politically correct


Yes it is. You only want to see the world through your narrow little prism. It's immature at best and willfully ignorant at worst.



Anon Pink said:


> "I sincerely apologize _if you took offense..._"
> 
> This is NOT an apology! It does not include taking responsibility for the words that caused the harm.


I am sorry her feelings were hurt. I do not want to make people upset. Especially OP, who I think actually "gets" it better than most. 

However, I am not sorry I said what I said because I said nothing wrong. I don't care if you think otherwise, you are not the thought police.



Anon Pink said:


> Why the fvck is this so hard for some men to understand?


Why is it so hard for women? Oh wait, I'm not allowed to say that. That's misogynist. But please continue with your misandrist diatribe.



Anon Pink said:


> I just don't get it and I really really don't want to keep this going.


Me neither, peddle your agenda to the sheep who feed into it. 

Good bye.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:banghead:


The 4 women on this thread who called you out for being insensitive and hurtful are indicative of most women's need to be heard. You have refused to hear us. You have refused to apologize. You have instead become defense and blame shifted. You are not likely to be successful in any relationship with women because you refuse to hear.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> :banghead:
> 
> 
> 
> If this is how you treated your ex wife I'm surprised your marriage didn't end sooner.


And this is a shaming attack. Yes, I get your frustration, but this is just as offensive, IMO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> And this is a shaming attack. Yes, I get your frustration, but this is just as offensive, IMO.


I'm not sure I agree but I will honestly try to self assess. 

The point I was making was that his refusal to hear 4 women call him out for his hurtful communication style is indicative that most women would feel unheard if they were in a relationship with someone who communicates like that. Perhaps I should have just said that instead?

Yes?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm not sure I agree but I will honestly try to self assess.
> 
> The point I was making was that his refusal to hear 4 women call him out for his hurtful communication style is indicative that most women would feel unheard if they were in a relationship with someone who communicates like that. Perhaps I should have just said that instead?
> 
> Yes?


Yes. You may know that I think you're one of the most insightful and level-headed posters here, so as I said, I just think you're frustrated with someone's obtuseness. I've been there myself, and on occasion I have even deliberately been highly insulting to someone who treated me that way first. I'm not proud of that, but I do think I made my point! LOL


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes. You may know that I think you're one of the most insightful and level-headed posters here, so as I said, I just think you're frustrated with someone's obtuseness. I've been there myself, and on occasion I have even deliberately been highly insulting to someone who treated me that way first. I'm not proud of that, but I do think I made my point! LOL


Thanks for the feedback. I will amend my post.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> And this is a shaming attack. Yes, I get your frustration, but this is just as offensive, IMO.


Thank you for that even if you disagree with me. Throwing insults is typically the desperate act of someone who has lost an argument.

I'm supposed to apologize for using 'mental' in the PROPER context yet in her mind she has carte blanche to personally attack me.

The irony.... 



Anon Pink said:


> If this is how you treated your ex wife I'm surprised your marriage didn't end sooner.


So based on this....



BetrayedDad said:


> It's immature at best and willfully ignorant at worst.


I'm going with immature. I'm sorry for the further derailment OP. It's not fair to you.

@Anon Pink, if you wish to PM me, I'll gladly continue our conversation as long as you'd like.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Personally, I took offense to BetrayedDad's liberty of calling hangups 'childish'. The use of the word 'mental' didn't offend me as it didn't appear to be written to offend. It didn't offend the OP, either. In fact, the only person it seems to have offended is Anon Pink. And, that's ok. Except when one uses an elephant gun to kill a sparrow.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Elephant gun to kill a sparrow? That would fit if....



Blondilocks said:


> Personally, I took offense to BetrayedDad's liberty of calling hangups 'childish'. The use of the word 'mental' didn't offend me as it didn't appear to be written to offend. It didn't offend the OP, either. In fact, the only person it seems to have offended is Anon Pink. And, that's ok. Except when one uses an elephant gun to kill a sparrow.


None of this took place: 'mental' was refused and 'childish hangups' was ignored, apology was nothing but blame shifting, and then he doubles down on his insensitive remarks by questioning the truth of what MissScarlett has said about her husband *in his own words no less!* finally ending with a statement that completely and totally ignores the very happy resolution MissScarlett came here to report...

Not to mention his initial post that insinuated women who didn't orgasm in 5 min had something wrong with them...

Not to mention his believe that all females should function the same as every other female...smh...

IDK @Blondilocks, seems like an elephant to me.

How many wives get sick of their husband not listening to them? Not hearing them? Not respecting their feelings? 

And how many husbands come here claiming to be all that and a bag of chips who was victimized by a WAW. Well folks this thread is a real time example of a man who refuses to hear but puts himself squarely in the victim chair.




BetrayedDad said:


> In any event, I find it hard to fathom that he didn't care at all about making you happy or feeling fulfilled. If you truly believe that,then he a cruel and callous person and you should be filing for divorce.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@MissScarlett, I apologize on behalf of our fellow TAM contributor. 

She has apparently decided to continue to thread jack and make a spectacle of herself rather than settle the matter through PMs. 

That's a sincere apologize you deserve. I hope you will continue to keep us updated.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@Anon Pink, I didn't say he isn't ignorant of female sexuality. It was his use of the word 'mental' to which you took umbrage. Please don't kitchen sink this - he isn't responsible for all men. Which is a good thing because he has enough to work on with himself.

Over and out.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

MissScarlett said:


> It's no problem, Betrayed Dad. I did not take offense. Feeling like my situation was all my fault prevented me from doing anything about it for far too long. Even though a lot of us here have stories that sound clear cut and one sided - sexual issues are complex and rarely just one partners problem.
> 
> I think DH was more immature than malicious. As I said earlier it was kind of like we hadn't evolved out of our high school skill set. Sexually. But I did consider divorce and was pretty sure we'd never reach our 20 year anniversary. (Which was this year). I'd reached the point where I couldn't bear the thought of living my whole life without feeling wanted or having intimacy or having the sexual experiences I'd hoped to have.
> 
> Thankfully it did not come to that, though, and we were able to work things out (taking the better part of 3 years) I have those things I wanted now and do not take them for granted.


I think it is completely awesome that you were able to educate and inspire your husband. A lot of guys like to think they already have all the answers and are not very open to being corrected. I've even had guys tell me they know more about my sexuality than I do myself. LOL. When they're told they're wrong, they get all defensive and blameshift, and often resort to insulting women so as to not have to own any responsibility.

It sounds like your husband started off this way, but you were able to open his eyes. Even as you too were just working on opening your own. 

I'm impressed!


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Here is another story of a woman who looked for vaginal orgasms, but couldn't find them. She doesn't sound like she has many hang-ups about sex to me. http://www.bustle.com/articles/5409...ally-hard-to-have-one-and-heres-what-happened


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I feel the need to keep coming back to this because it's my thread. 

Anon Pink has been my biggest TAM cheerleader since my first post. In that post, which went on forever, I was flamed by many people but remember clearly that Anon said omg, I can't believe your DH had never touched you, that's so much BS! (I'm paraphrasing). She's been angry when I've been angry, she's been happy when I have been happy. She's defended me to several posters who were solely placing blame on me over the years and I really appreciate that. 

I have not taken offense to betrayed dad using the word mental - because I disagreed with the post, not just that word. The post did not illustrate the way I have seen my marital issues go these past 3 years. It echoed what I had told myself for the 18 years I wasn't having orgasms. I should be having orgasms. It's my fault I'm not having orgasms. I don't want a man to think I'm a bad lover because I'm not having orgasms so I will cover it up, divert attention, make it about him. This is a problem I'm quite sure many women have. That is why I have tried to chronicle my journey on this board. I found this board when I googled 'why won't my DH give me oral sex' and found stories similar to mine. I hope that Betrayed Dad has read my explanations and has understood what I have been trying to say about that. In my experience women want orgasms and the reasons they aren't having them can be varied. 

You guys are adults and this is an open message board, but I hope we can continue (or not) on a more peaceful note.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> I feel the need to keep coming back to this because it's my thread.
> 
> Anon Pink has been my biggest TAM cheerleader since my first post. In that post, which went on forever, I was flamed by many people but remember clearly that Anon said omg, I can't believe your DH had never touched you, that's so much BS! (I'm paraphrasing). She's been angry when I've been angry, she's been happy when I have been happy. She's defended me to several posters who were solely placing blame on me over the years and I really appreciate that.
> 
> ...


You could write a Kindle book. 
If this is a problem that many women are having, writing a book about it and selling it on Amazon could make you some serious cash.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Anon Pink has been my biggest TAM cheerleader since my first post. In that post, which went on forever, I was flamed by many people but remember clearly that Anon said omg, I can't believe your DH had never touched you, that's so much BS! (I'm paraphrasing). She's been angry when I've been angry, she's been happy when I have been happy. She's defended me to several posters who were solely placing blame on me over the years and I really appreciate that.


Thank you MissScarlett! I remember your first thread very clearly! I remember how you got flamed for having faked orgasms and I especially remember that marriage counselor who posted that lovely long post advising you to essentially cheer up because sex isn't all about orgasms and I asked the guy how he'd feel about orgasms if he'd gone 18 years of having orgasmless sex. 

And just about every time you start a thread, someone wants to give your husband a pass. No, no one gets a pass when sex is habitually one sided. 




> You guys are adults and this is an open message board, but I hope we can continue (or not) on a more peaceful note.


Peaceful thoughts and calm breathing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wild jade said:


> Yes, please, let us all remember that some 70-80% of women CANNOT orgasm through PIV alone and REQUIRE other forms of stimulation.
> 
> And that taking time to orgasm is NOT a sign of defect.
> 
> The whole she comes real quick from his stellar c0ck thing is just a male fantasy and anyone who thinks this is healthy female sexuality is getting information from porn and not real women. Or has only been with partners who are totally faking it.


I find it very funny that a person who does not actually have female sexual organs is trying to tell women about how female sexual organs do and/or do not work.

While just about every female has all the same bits, there are physical differences with each individual that make it so that most women cannot orgasm from PIV.

The distance between the clitoris and the vagina differs for each woman. Women who orgasm from PIV alone tend to have a clitoris that is closer to the vagina and thus gets more stimulation from the trusting movement of intercourse.

But hey, I guess we need for a man to tell us that it’s all in our heads… I’m sure that men know more than women do about such things. And if women cannot orgasm from PIV, it’s all in our heads. I’m ever so glad that we have men to tell us about our bodies. 

Remember Freud and all the doctors back in the 1800’s and early 1900’s who said that women did not experience sexual pleasure at all. That the only reason women had sex was to please their husband. If a woman had an orgasm, she was said to suffer from “hysteria”. It was a mental illness…. You know it was all in her head.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> I feel the need to keep coming back to this because it's my thread.
> 
> Anon Pink has been my biggest TAM cheerleader since my first post. In that post, which went on forever, I was flamed by many people but remember clearly that Anon said omg, I can't believe your DH had never touched you, that's so much BS! (I'm paraphrasing). She's been angry when I've been angry, she's been happy when I have been happy. She's defended me to several posters who were solely placing blame on me over the years and I really appreciate that.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to hear that you have found ways to fix these problems. I agree that you could write a book to your journey. I just might help a lot of women.. and maybe some men too if they would read it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm glad to hear that you have found ways to fix these problems. I agree that you could write a book to your journey. I just might help a lot of women.. and maybe some men too if they would read it.


Actually there are a lot of men who want to learn how to "drive a woman wild." You could do two different versions of the same subject matter.

Kindle books can be quite short, so it doesn't have to be a huge undertaking. You write and outline, then fill it in and voila! book.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"You write and outline, then fill it in and *viola*! book."

Actually, that would be a bowed string instrument.:wink2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> "You write and outline, then fill it in and *viola*! book."
> 
> Actually, that would be a bowed string instrument.:wink2:


Fixed that. :nerd:


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I am SO HAPPY to see you MissScarlett!!

I've been thinking about you recently, and wondering how you have been. Glad to see you back, and doing better.


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