# BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW?



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW? If so, why?

I imagine this question only applies to those who have successfully reconciled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW? If so, why?
> 
> I imagine this question only applies to those who have successfully reconciled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


from time to time i "peek in". maybe curiosity, maybe beacuse i didnt trust her anymore, there are (were) several reason.

i can sit back with some satisfaction. her AP was a hot shot big wig CEO, who lost his job just a few months after the affair. he went to another company as CEO, where after a short stint, "lost" his job again.

some karma satisfaction i guess.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW? If so, why?
> 
> I imagine this question only applies to those who have successfully reconciled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Burn me once, shame on you. Twice, that's on me. I mostly pay close attention to WS's actions but I still snoop as well. He's aware of some of the snooping and not aware of some other ways I snoop. So far things have been good. I find myself snooping less over time but it'll be a very long time before I consider stopping altogether.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> Yes. Burn me once, shame on you. Twice, that's on me. I mostly pay close attention to WS's actions but I still snoop as well. He's aware of some of the snooping and not aware of some other ways I snoop. So far things have been good. I find myself snooping less over time but it'll be a very long time before I consider stopping altogether.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bad on reread, I thought the question was about keeping a close eye on the WS. To answer the question, I am vaguely aware of what's going on in WS's xAP's life but my concern has been waning a lot over time. I keep tabs on her to know where she's working since she was once WS's coworker. There are people who would let me know if she was out trolling for men again. I used to keep close tabs on her but I just don't care near as much as I used to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Umm yeah! Keep your friends close and your enemy closer! Godfather 101! 

I hate that she exists, hate everything about the situation. She knows about me.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

***** follow up question ******

Do you consider keeping an eye on them cyber stalking?

*****************************
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do. But not as much as I did. I have placed VARs in her car from time to time. LOL it is boring now (thankfully so). She mainly listens to Christian radio and talk radio. Something she did not ever do in the past. I had not heard Rush Limbaugh in years and I got to hear him the other week via VAR, I forgot he existed. 

I do check the OM's and OMW's FB accounts to see how they are doing. ANd I check from time to time my wife's old email accounts for fishing.

My wife's repentance has proven true so far. Even her phone conversations are very respectful of me.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I do not. OM is dead.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Philat said:


> I do not. OM is dead.


Not sure if you're implying he's dead to you or that he's literally dead?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I do. I hope one day not to, but for now I check her FB from time to time. She's put on some weight since it ended so that alone makes it worth visiting her page. I think I need to go to confession for the warm and fuzzy feeling that brings me.

Main reason for checking is to make sure there is nothing to link her to my H. So far, so good.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> Not sure if you're implying he's dead to you or that he's literally dead?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Literally dead. Drank himself to death. W found him after a few days in his apt. Strange part of my story.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Philat said:


> I do not. OM is dead.



I know the background Philat, but for a newbie it did have that revelatory, flashback feel of our favorite cancelled thread/soap. Hope up you don't take offense.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Back in year 1 and 2 of R I did, just checked on OM's facebook page through the wife's secret account and only I have access to now. In year 3 I quit, I just didn't give a sh!t about him anymore. He could live or die for all I care. I'm indifferent now.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> I know the background Philat, but for a newbie it did have that revelatory, flashback feel of our favorite cancelled thread/soap. Hope up you don't take offense.


Yeah, I know.  No offense taken--I thought of that myself when the Great Auto Wreck was revealed.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Back in year 1 and 2 of R I did, just checked on OM's facebook page through the wife's secret account and only I have access to now. In year 3 I quit, I just didn't give a sh!t about him anymore. He could live or die for all I care. I'm indifferent now.


It is the "whatever" attitude, when you reached indifference. Shows maturity and healing. I am looking forward to when I reach that pinnicle point in my journey.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I really look forward to a day when I can say she's out of my head/memory LordMahem.

I have a pesky memory I think it may end up like your Avatar, I think I've gotten used to it...but it's still creeping and circling.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Philat said:


> Yeah, I know.  No offense taken--I thought of that myself when the Great Auto Wreck was revealed.



I've needed a laugh today so the thought of some of the highlights from "The Naked and the Dead" will make me laugh. So tip of the hat to you for that!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I don't, never did.
D-day demonstrated who he always was, a complete coward. He literaly run away from my wife, sneaked by the back door of his bar.
His wife confirmed ther was no risk of him showing up again in our life, that's his modus operandi.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....wish I could 'keep an eye on' the POSOM, but I was never told who he was. With all this hatred and venom ...it'd be nice to have a focal point that I could aim it at......


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....wish I could 'keep an eye on' the POSOM, but I was never told who he was. With all this hatred and venom ...it'd be nice to have a focal point that I could aim it at......


why were you not told?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

A little, he still works for my wife's company, though they don't work together, I still want to know where he's at. Mainly though I just keep track a little through social media. I want to know when the karma bus runs his a$$ down. It's going to happen, just got that feeling.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW?*



Cloaked said:


> why were you not told?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


.......because I was an a--hole.

........my wife had an ONS ....and in therapy the incompetent therapist convinced her to not divulge name of the POS ....for fear I'd hunt the loser down and kill him. So ...as 18 yrs have passed ...my wife still held that position ...as well as adding the, "what does it matter after all this time ....I've been faithful ever since" attitude. She just does not get it!! I want ...SO BADLY .....to be able to heal to my best ability .....but even more ...I want her to help me do so. It's a journey we must make together ...and again ...she just doesn't get it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I stopped looking her up a loooong time ago.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .......because I was an a--hole.
> 
> ........my wife had an ONS ....and in therapy the incompetent therapist convinced her to not divulge name of the POS ....for fear I'd hunt the loser down and kill him. So ...as 18 yrs have passed ...my wife still held that position ...as well as adding the, "what does it matter after all this time ....I've been faithful ever since" attitude. She just does not get it!! I want ...SO BADLY .....to be able to heal to my best ability .....but even more ...I want her to help me do so. It's a journey we must make together ...and again ...she just doesn't get it.


Put it to her this way: "I feel the OM helped kill a part of our marriage. As such, I'd like the name of this killer, please."


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .......because I was an a--hole.
> 
> ........my wife had an ONS ....and in therapy the incompetent therapist convinced her to not divulge name of the POS ....for fear I'd hunt the loser down and kill him. So ...as 18 yrs have passed ...my wife still held that position ...as well as adding the, "what does it matter after all this time ....I've been faithful ever since" attitude. She just does not get it!! I want ...SO BADLY .....to be able to heal to my best ability .....but even more ...I want her to help me do so. It's a journey we must make together ...and again ...she just doesn't get it.


Really feel for you, Hurtin', for 18 years of what could have been so much better.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .......because I was an a--hole.
> 
> ........my wife had an ONS ....and in therapy the incompetent therapist convinced her to not divulge name of the POS ....for fear I'd hunt the loser down and kill him. So ...as 18 yrs have passed ...my wife still held that position ...as well as adding the, "what does it matter after all this time ....I've been faithful ever since" attitude. She just does not get it!! I want ...SO BADLY .....to be able to heal to my best ability .....but even more ...I want her to help me do so. It's a journey we must make together ...and again ...she just doesn't get it.


Not meaning to threadjack but Hurtin Still, what are you planning to do on changing that. It's apparent that what you've been doing hasn't been working. You haven't been able to cope or accept the situation and you haven't been able to get her to do everything she needs to do in order to help you.

You've been stuck in this limbo, Purgatory if you will, for nearly 2 decades. Trying to appeal to her empathetic side or using empty threats haven't got you what you need. And neither has trying to bury it. You're going to have to do something drastic to force her hand. Either she'll see she needs to make changes to help you heal or you two finally see where you two stand with each other and make the changes in your lives you need. Either way you'd be out of the hell that is living your life in Purgatory. It is obvious in your posts that you are suffering for such a long time...I wish you find some peace.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> Yes. Burn me once, shame on you. Twice, that's on me. I mostly pay close attention to WS's actions but I still snoop as well. He's aware of some of the snooping and not aware of some other ways I snoop. So far things have been good. I find myself snooping less over time but it'll be a very long time before I consider stopping altogether.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do people refer to simple information gathering and fact-checking as "snooping?"

I have read this in several posts on several forums.

Am I missing something?

If so, I don't get it.

To me it just seems to be an unhealthy way to look at what you are doing. I don't see anything wrong with fact-checking.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> I do not. OM is dead.


:toast:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh wow, Hurtin. That sucks. She should have told you his name 18 yrs ago!


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW?*



Refuse to be played said:


> Not meaning to threadjack but Hurtin Still, what are you planning to do on changing that. It's apparent that what you've been doing hasn't been working. You haven't been able to cope or accept the situation and you haven't been able to get her to do everything she needs to do in order to help you.
> 
> You've been stuck in this limbo, Purgatory if you will, for nearly 2 decades. Trying to appeal to her empathetic side or using empty threats haven't got you what you need. And neither has trying to bury it. You're going to have to do something drastic to force her hand. Either she'll see she needs to make changes to help you heal or you two finally see where you two stand with each other and make the changes in your lives you need. Either way you'd be out of the hell that is living your life in Purgatory. It is obvious in your posts that you are suffering for such a long time...I wish you find some peace.


....we're in therapy ...together and separately. Every few sessions ....there is a little movement on her part. Many times I cut & paste excerpts from posts here (sorry people ...didn't mean to steal any of your words ...but some are just too damn good to not use) ...and make them part of my bullet point agenda for our sessions. Seems if I can get the therapist to show a nod of agreement with me ...my wife listens more ...and goes along to a greater extent. 

....I will ..for now ...stop short of having her come to TAM. For now ...its my sanctuary for understanding, and brutally honest opinions & advice.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I don't, never did.
> D-day demonstrated who he always was, a complete coward. He literaly run away from my wife, sneaked by the back door of his bar.
> His wife confirmed ther was no risk of him showing up again in our life, that's his modus operandi.


Acabado, I have seen you writing in in your posts (I think you did not opened a thread here) that your wife's OM was a marital predator that went after married women. (kind of like "findingmyway").

but I didn't know he was married, so his wife knew that he did this that frecuently and still tolerated his bahaviour and even helped him to get out of problems without consequences, that is so F*cked, No wonder he keep doing it, she is an enabler in a way.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

For those who have reconciled: why stay with someone who you have to check on all the time? I could not imagine living that way. Not when there are others out there that are trustworthy and wont lie and cheat.

Is it really worth it?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> For those who have reconciled: why stay with someone who you have to check on all the time? I could not imagine living that way. Not when there are others out there that are trustworthy and wont lie and cheat.
> 
> Is it really worth it?


First, the question is do you check up on the other Other Man or Other Woman not our wayward spouses. But to answer your question, as far as my wife is concerned, I don't check up on her all the time. I know all the red flags now and we are so much closer and communicate so much better that I feel comfortable she won't ever cheat again. Am I 100% sure? Of course not, but I'm willing to chance it, this time. 

As far as there being other women who are trustworthy and won't lie and cheat out there? That's a Mirage. How do you know who they are, really? Are they certified honest and trustworthy by someone? No. The reality is anyone could cheat. Anyone. I've been married for 36 years so I think I know my wife pretty well, and up until 15 mos. ago I would have guaranteed she would never have done what she did. But I was wrong. I could never trust *any* women fully again, ever. So I might as well stick with the one I've got.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....wish I could 'keep an eye on' the POSOM, but I was never told who he was. With all this hatred and venom ...it'd be nice to have a focal point that I could aim it at......


Aim it at your wife.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> First, the question is do you check up on the other Other Man or Other Woman not our wayward spouses. But to answer your question, as far as my wife is concerned, I don't check up on her all the time. I know all the red flags now and we are so much closer and communicate so much better that I feel comfortable she won't ever cheat again. Am I 100% sure? Of course not, but I'm willing to chance it, this time.
> 
> As far as there being other women who are trustworthy and won't lie and cheat out there? That's a Mirage. How do you know who they are, really? Are they certified honest and trustworthy by someone? No. The reality is anyone could cheat. Anyone. I've been married for 36 years so I think I know my wife pretty well, and up until 15 mos. ago I would have guaranteed she would never have done what she did. But I was wrong. tuI could never trust *any* women fully again, ever. So I might as well stick with the one I've got.


People who reconcile must believe everyone can cheat. 

It is simply not true. 

And staying in a bad situation because of fear is no way to live.

There are several qualities a loyal person has, that makes them less likely to cheat. Those are the woman you need to look for.

I am not knocking your choice to reconcile, but dont think for a second there are not good woman out there who are much less likely to cheat, than your wife.

By staying you showed her, what she suspected, that infidelity is not your deal breaker.

So, keep your eyes wide open.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> For those who have reconciled: why stay with someone who you have to check on all the time? I could not imagine living that way. Not when there are others out there that are trustworthy and wont lie and cheat.
> 
> Is it really worth it?


I couldn't do that, so I don't. We are reconciled, however.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> ***** follow up question ******
> 
> Do you consider keeping an eye on them cyber stalking?
> 
> ...


If keeping an eye on her is cyber stalking, then I should be able to call the police and have her arrested on felony charges for her part in what she took from me.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

When I first found out about the affair and read all of the Facebook conversation and emails that my wife and the OM sent to another I noticed some pick up artistry techniques. When I mentioned this to my wife she deflected it saying some people just naturally know how to do it.

I was recently perusing through the OM's YouTube activity and found that he has been liking videos on a YouTube channel dealing with how to be alpha male. This channel deals with looking, presenting and sounding good in order to pick up women.
He started liking these videos at the start of 2013 ( who knows how long he has been viewing the channel prior )
This coincides with his wife being pregnant.

This begs the question. Why would a married man whose wife is pregnant be watching a channel that teaches how to pick up women?

It feels good to know my initial impression was correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Well I am not reconciling and my WS hasn’t been seeing the OM for months but I do keep a somewhat watchful eye out for him. Mainly because in small town America its hard not to know what is going on and I would prefer to just not run into him. 

He knows many people I know so I don’t have to put any effort into it, the rumor mill is more than happy to let me know what is going on with him. He has a tendency to recycle the women when he is in between conquests and I am kind of curious if she is really that stupid to fall for it a second time. Im betting she is afterall it was her “true soulmate” haha


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My wayward wife had serially cheated with 3 OM when I caught her cheating. 

Do I keep an eye on her OM or her after being lied to and cheated on for years?

What? What? What?

If you have been burned do you not watch the fire?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

While I don't consider us to be reconciled, I am testing the waters with WS to see if one is possible. He wants one, but he also wanted to leave me and the kids and have affairs so pardon me for fence-sitting. If there ever was a "sh!t test" he is in it but he has put himself there. I don't check up on anyone besides WS and he knows that I do.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Cyber stocking? That depends on how much time and information you are getting on OM/OW. I think if you are looking at their open social media once in a while it is not stocking. If you have found everything they have ever done on the internet and check so much it is interrupting your daily life....then you have a big problem! 
If you use said information to show up where they are then you have a problem and need to get help.

OW just reactivated her fb page. Seven months after d-day and now she is confident enough to get back on the social network. She had tons of welcome back comments from friends. I know that it was not active seven months ago because I checked back then. Just two days ago I punched her phone number into the search bar and bam! The face of a pos and full name (H confirmed it was her). Will I look again? Probably. 
I think that it is about intent and if that intent is not harmless curiosity or just to be aware of the other person then there is something wrong with checking up on the OW/OM.


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

Cloaked said:


> This begs the question. Why would a married man whose wife is pregnant be watching a channel that teaches how to pick up women?
> 
> It feels good to know my initial impression was correct.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Because his wife isn't having sex with him, or wasn't having sex with him due to the pregnancy. I'm sure he was viewing your wife as ONE LAST CHANCE to sow his oats before he really had to grow up and become a man and then become faithful to his wife _and_ his children. 

It's too bad he had to consult YT vids to essentially become a dishonest "man"...I find that almost hilarious.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> ***** follow up question ******
> 
> Do you consider keeping an eye on them cyber stalking?
> 
> ...



Cyber Stalking? I don't think so. If they post on 4square and Twitter and don't keep their "stuff " online private. It's far from stalking. It's hard NOT to see it!

I'm private, I don't "do" Facebook, or any of that other public announcements of look at me!!! I'm so great you care what I ate for breakfast! I keep all my stuff very private. Aside from the guts spilled on this sit I'm almost Amish ( no Facebook , Twitter, I rarely get photographed by friends or family). I'm very "private".

I know for a fact that she has "stalked" me in a real way. Posted pictures of my back yard on her page. Posted some general comments that are far too close to be considered a "fluke"

If you don't want to be cyber stalked...keep your pants on and settings private!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Allen_A said:


> Why do people refer to simple information gathering and fact-checking as "snooping?"
> 
> I have read this in several posts on several forums.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. And I would hope that of all communities, the TAM community would refrain from giving a bad name to looking at stuff online that was meant for general or semi general consumption.

I also pointed this out to my fiance. Who and what is worse here? Someone who does information gathering by asking a lot of personal questions and their questions being satisfied by someone who should have honored the implied confidentiality between two people seeing each other (which is what he and she did for her to know a lot about me)

or for me to search for information about her that was already out there and which other people who did not know her could see as well. People need to remember that what you put on Meetup sites is for public consumption and if your FB friends run into the the 3 or 4 figures, to assume that at least a few of those people don't always log out of their FB account when using a friend's computer or loaning theirs out.

Before we had the above conversation, my fiance called me creepy and psycho as a result of the information I knew about her......... which was about the same amount of information she had about me gleaned from a private channel (him) and several months before I did. Now who is the creepy psycho b!tch in this comparison?

I also wanted to point out some of the practicalities of his negligent behavior. For example, since he met both of us through meetup activities, it would not be a stretch to assume that we could have crossed paths before I even knew about her. And I was able to point how she had signed up for an activity that I attended before I knew of her........ but at a time I know when she knew a lot about me. How would you have handled it had she cornered me and repeated some of those things you said to her about me.

But off my soap box now........

yes, I do every now and again look at the little bit of public info that she leaves on her FB account. Not much but now that I see her as the archetype of a certain modern woman that I could possibly encounter again in the future (never say never), I find it interesting to see what her outcomes are.


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## lyndyb (Feb 9, 2014)

Not as much as when I first became suspicious of my WWf now H. If he cheats or has any EA's again I have told him. I will personally pack his bags and they will be left on the driveway and I will be done for good I will not put myself through any more heartache. So it's his choice, DO IT Again and I will Kick His ASS TO THE GUTTER NO EXCUSES. It was thanks to TAM and reading the threads and some of the books that had the links to them. I began too feel stronger inside. I no longer live with what if's because I know the outcome and so does my H. x


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> For those who have reconciled: why stay with someone who you have to check on all the time? I could not imagine living that way. Not when there are others out there that are trustworthy and wont lie and cheat.
> 
> Is it really worth it?


It depends on the relationship. I had a H who was a good partner and father for two decades. He had a bad EA and I was very close to D. However, he has done EVERYTHING I have asked and done heavy lifting that I did not think possible. So far he has proven to me that he is committed to this marriage for life. We are both working on ways to improve the marriage, and strangely we are in many ways better than before the EA. I know his faults and have no interest in starting up with another man who could be worse. Honestly, if I ever D, I will never remarry.

Now, why do I check? Hopefully down the road I won't, and the amount I check now is much less than before. But I will be vigilant forever because I now know how a good person can get sucked into something bad. I check for my own peace of mind and protection, because although we did R, any whiff of misbehavior in the future...I will D.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Is there really something wrong to check every now and then...... just to see if the karma bus made a stop.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

To me, cheating is a deal breaker and if I have to check to see if there is any more going on then I don't want to be in that relationship. If I was the one cheating then I would expect them to feel the same. 

I got burned real bad a long time ago and learned a lesson the I never forgot and I swore that I would never be put in a situation like that again. Some people can put it past them and I give you all the credit in the world but after the episode I went through, I will never do it again.


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## Derryn Hunch (Feb 25, 2014)

Constant, almost weekly checks. 
My wife is a data forensics and recovery expert and although I would count myself as above average with IT and ability to dig for answers, when I suspected something was going on, it still took me 6 months to finally get the evidence I had been losing my mind looking for.

I had been called paranoid, a nutcase and began to doubt myself and actually was at a point where I began the search that faithful day by saying aloud "If this doesn't uncover anything, then this has to stop... you have to move on". Well as fate would have it, that day I hit pay dirt.

After D-Day, I secretly installed spy software on her phone - as I was planning on proposing just a few months after I found this evidence (and of course had been planning the proposal for many months prior to finding this out). 

I justified this to myself by reasoning of "I was silly enough to let my built up frustration and hurt get the better of me when I confronted you without everything I *could* have got my hands on and now have no answers for, if I had just been a little more patient - instead, you deleted and sanitized every last spec of evidence in the days that followed and I was left with nothing but your word and a whole lot of doubt in your story"... If I am going to jump in the furnace and sink or swim with my some would say very very stupid choice to stick to the plans of engagement and marriage after what has just occurred, then I am going to make sure that I am 110% sure by whatever means possible that you haven't so much as stepped one foot even slightly wrong. I also explained this justification to her when she found the software approximately 8 
months down the track. 

She had an extensive history (even prior to me as I would find out after digging up chat discussions with her and ex partners) of not disclosing the truth about things (eg. one guy she was "seeing" has point blank yet respectfully asked her if she was seeing anyone else - and that he had noticed a few things that pointed toward that and that he was asking because he felt he had a right to know at that stage... and her answer was worded almost exactly as words I had been hearing for quite some time when she denied that there was anyone else and "why would you even think that?" type responses. Well with the benefit of hindsight after going through many FB, MSN and SKYPE chat logs in my searches, I know for a fact she was sleeping with her flatmate very regularly the entire time she was seeing this guy.

That's one example of many, but the point is, just as when I accused her with questions I knew the answers to already on D-Day, her pattern was to take a path of denial until cornered. 

I wanted to know if that behaviour was so ingrained in her that it was going to be something I could eventually learn to trust has genuinely changed - and that for at least the 12 months leading up to the wedding, I would get a better idea of EXACTLY what kind of person she is - because I felt I hadn't really gotten the complete and true impression at that point.

As I said - not a foot wrong - we're pretty happyily married these days (a few years in). Things seem to be getting better and better each day. We still have the occasion when that incident of her "EA" (but all logic says PA occurred to me) comes up and I grill her on the impossibility of what she's claimed etc... but the bottom line is, I don't and never will recover the content and evidence I need in order to satisfy that question now. All I can go off is the criteria I set out myself, in order to help satisfy myself that I wasn't walking into a complete sh!tstorm with a pathological liar and serial cheater.

That's not to say I don't monitor every aspect of her movements and communications like a hawk now though. I do. After learning from my lack of preparedness in recovering the data she got rid of to a mere mortal like me, I now use law enforcement grade forensics software to check any data/coms items. I check phonebills pretty much weekly (pre-bills avail online) and I have used several other techniques and methods to covertly obtain the password for every single site, forum or email address she is a member of.

The only thing I don't monitor is her work laptop and phone - which, due to the very very high level of security clearance in her job I will not mess with - it would be a potentially very serious incident if I were to mess with any kind of security on those items due to the content she has on them - lets just say the security clearances we BOTH have to go through annually just because of her access to this stuff is less intrusive than my seemingly over the top surveillance campaign is lol

The affair was of course with a co-worker - so the irony of me not at all monitoring her work communications devices (when most of it happened on there during the day, it would only swap to her private mobile at night or on weekends) hasn't gone by without notice...

But - gotta move forward and I can only go by what I am seeing with the assumption that "if she is, she will eventually slip up and make contact with any OP with one of our private comms. methods or accounts, in which case, I won't miss a single letter.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Derryn Hunch said:


> After D-Day, I secretly installed spy software on her phone - as I was planning on proposing just a few months after I found this evidence (and of course had been planning the proposal for many months prior to finding this out).


dude, you found that she cheated on you before marrying her and that she also used to cheat in her other partners and still you decided to marry this woman, why would you do that?


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## Derryn Hunch (Feb 25, 2014)

Yeh I know - it sounds backwards, but in all fairness to her now - from what I can see, she hasn't stepped a single foot wrong, deleted a single text message from anyone... nothing... Its almost TOO good is my (possibly just paranoid now) concern now... like just not a single thing... THAT scares me! 

Bottom line is, weather others agree it was a wise decision or not isn't up to them - I made the call based on what I felt was within scope of what I could work with and I knew that it would involve years of gaining full trust back in order to be where we would all like to ideally be. 

As some have already put it here - its not nessicarily about the actual sexual activity that occurred, its about working out who the person you're sharing your life with really is and if you are capable of accepting that.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Sorry to necro post.

I used public records to find the OM's name, addresses, court cases, etc. I found his facebook recently and stalk it. He has no contact with my wife now, but I still watch it. I don't know why, really.

I still keep tabs on her too. I know I shouldn't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

manticore said:


> dude, you found that she cheated on you before marrying her and that she also used to cheat in her other partners and still you decided to marry this woman, why would you do that?


I think they are putting something in the water! Seriously!&#55357;&#56850;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Yes, I keep a watchful eye on the OW, not as much as when she ignored NC and pursued my husband for 3.5 years after DDay. While not all of her content is public on FB, enough of it is to know she is beginning to look more and more like her father as she ages...just sayin'. 

As to keeping tabs on my FWH, yes again, but not as much as I used to. I am confident that I would recognize the red flags of infidelity now and I know if he strays again, I will know it and end the marriage, so why waste time/energy on daily hyper-vigilance? Besides, we are in a much better place relationally than we were 4 years ago. 

But once that idealized trust is destroyed by infidelity, there is no going back, nor would I want to. Just working on accepting that the fairy tale I bought into has a different ending.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

*BS do you keep a watchful eye on the OM/OW?*

no, the OM is in jail for another 2 years....but I will be checking next year just in case he gets out early!! but not because of my W chasing him back, but because I might confront him....


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## Tikori (Dec 28, 2014)

I do not do it quite as bad as I used to, but to say I cyberstalk the women he cheated would is a definite yes. He knows that I do, but I do not think he knows the extent and how many channels I keep an eye on.

If I had done so after the 1st D-day, I realized there probably would not have been so many after because the first girl was fluently still posting things about him, old pictures, etc.

I am staying for now but he knows there have been too many d-days for me to probably ever trust him ever again. In the meantime I do keep an eye out. I have been burned too much not to keep at least a weary eye open for them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikori said:


> I do not do it quite as bad as I used to, but *to say I cyberstalk the women *he cheated would is a definite yes. He knows that I do, but I do not think he knows the extent and how many channels I keep an eye on.
> 
> If I had done so after the 1st D-day, I realized there probably would not have been so many after because the first girl was fluently still posting things about him, old pictures, etc.
> 
> I am staying for now but he knows there have been too many d-days for me to probably ever trust him ever again. In the meantime I do keep an eye out. I have been burned too much not to keep at least a weary eye open for them.


To simply look at the information that a person puts out there in public or semi-public (Facebook, for example) forums is not stalking. How is looking at something any different than reading fan magazine?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, one is merely protecting the marriage. Mate guarding if you will.


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## Tikori (Dec 28, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> To simply look at the information that a person puts out there in public or semi-public (Facebook, for example) forums is not stalking. How is looking at something any different than reading fan magazine?


Technically yes it is public, but most of their stuff is private unless your a friend, and I hate to admit but I have created fake accounts and profiles and friended them with these so I can see what they're up to.

I don't consider it cyberstalking really all that much, but someone else on here referred to it as that and I - taking from what they considered it - just used the same lingo. Technically the term "cyberstalking" includes just stalking an individual online, so I think it's a moot point on what it is called.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

There's a bit of Confusion with Privacy and Secrecy here.

Privacy in marriage is closing the bathroom door. There is no secrecy in marriage. BOTH parties should have free and unfettered access to ALL accounts, passwords, phones, devices -- everything.

Your commitment is to each other not some social media account. Anything short of that is trouble. You should NOT be doing anything out of sight that you wouldn't do right in front of your spouse.

Period.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I agree 100 percent. Like I said, I keep a close eye on some things. I mostly trust my wife at this point, but I don't think I will ever be 100 percent on that again. I don't see how I ever could be.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I honestly do think, however, that if it does happen again, it wont be somebody from her past like it was last time. That is the only thing that worries me. I can't watch all the angles all the time.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I know I may sound like a ahole but the obits is where I want to see him.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

X-B said:


> I know I may sound like a ahole but the obits is where I want to see him.


:iagree:


Whatever the karma bus wants to do is fine with me. I won't kill him, but I won't cry either and I'll do my best not to let my wife see me smiling ☺ 😉


A man can dream can't he?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

No i find it easier to keep a watchful eye over my wife. After catching her out and reconcilling i'd be an idiot to not hold her to account.

I sometimes VAR her car, and have installed a GPS Tracker on it which she doesn't know about.

To date all good. I guess thats the price she pays for breaking my trust.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

X-B said:


> I know I may sound like a ahole but the obits is where I want to see him.





HarryDoyle said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> Whatever the karma bus wants to do is fine with me. I won't kill him, but I won't cry either and I'll do my best not to let my wife see me smiling ☺ 😉
> ...


Oh, I would be smiling like the cheshire cat. You couldn't wipe that grin off my face.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Tikori said:


> Technically yes it is public, but most of their stuff is private unless your a friend, and *I hate to admit but I have created fake accounts and profiles and friended them with these so I can see what they're up to.*
> 
> I don't consider it cyberstalking really all that much, but someone else on here referred to it as that and I - taking from what they considered it - just used the same lingo. Technically the term "cyberstalking" includes just stalking an individual online, so I think it's a moot point on what it is called.


I'm (almost) right there with ya. I've considered doing the same with the OM's my wife was involved with and, more currently, someone who's most certainly stringing a good friend along...maybe catfishing to see if he refuses advances or dives right in. I stop short of doing it because it seems overboard. And...well...I don't know how I'd build up a believable base of friends on such an account so it wouldn't seem fake. How in the world do these catfish do it? Maybe we should start up a TAM Catfish group to boost friends on fake accounts. (I kid!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I suppose I would if I could but as he lives in France the last I heard, its a little difficult but I'm told if he moves I will be informed

To be honest I have no fear from that quarter ever again

Although my wife never reciprocated his advances that could be found by extreme investigation (please don't ask) I have a morbid interest in what he's up too from time to time


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