# its me or your daughter



## whattodo1 (May 12, 2014)

my husband and I fight all the time about me wanting to be in my daughter and 2 granddaughters life, he hates my daughter because they got into a verbal spat and she said some hurtful things to him and the reason the fight happened is because he wont allow her to come over and every time she calls me, we get into this huge fight and he destroys things, i told him I wont choose between u and my family and he says you don't love me and never had because you make me feel the way I do(HURT-ANGRY) and you are doing nothing to fix this, ,he told me before ,,don't you EVER give her money or lie to me but I have done things like, I sent her 10 dollars and never told him because I knew what would happen, he found out and flipped out on me and said I will NEVER trust you again, you are nothing but a lier and that's just as bad as cheating in my book, before I met my husband over a year ago, My daughter and I were VERY VERY close, we were best friends and wer always doing things as a family,all that changed when that argument happened between my daughter and my husband..shes angry at me because she said all he is doing is Trying to keep you all to himself and he said if you wanna c ur daughter.get out and move in with her,,Its so stressful idk what to,i was with my daughter yesterday anD we went to lunch,We shared a sub,,my husband found out and the fight was on,he destroyed the garage ,holes, broken windows, started breaking things in the house and im just hurt,i love my husband but I cant do anything I feel without asking permission first, it was mothers day yesterday and he acted out in rage toward me because I wanted to spend it with my daughter and granddaughters. I spent 2 hours with them then came home as hes sItting in the garage with this eveil look on his face and the rage in his eyes..he called me everything but a woman,our relationship was perfect when my daughter lived afar but she moved a few miles from me and things haven't been good, Sometimes I just feel like packing everything and moving back to my home town,I feel like I cant think for myself that I have no control of my like anymore ,a puppet on a string,,,any advice Please.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Is there more to this than just this post? Why does your husband hate your daughter? Why is she not allowed to go to your house? What was their relationship like before you married?

That aside, his violence is very worrying, and if I were you I would be worried about my safety.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If he reacts like that over petty things, imagine what it will be like when it's something average or big.

Ask yourself, do you really want to be around......and especially WITH someone like this.

I wouldn't even want to be around them......forget about WITH them.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband is being unreasonable. You should spend time with your family, have lunch with them etc

Him breaking things and calling you names is abusive. 

Why are you with someone who would do this to you?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Is there more to this than just this post? Why does your husband hate your daughter? Why is she not allowed to go to your house? What was their relationship like before you married?
> 
> That aside, his violence is very worrying, and if I were you I would be worried about my safety.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I was thinking the same thing. What exactly was the verbal altercation about between daughter and husband? Is an apology in order from the grown daughter to your husband, or was the husband out of line with the daughter?

There is some expectation for the spouse to believe that they are "Number 1" in their partner's life. Usually there is acceptance of the partner's children and the blending of family, but this husband shows rage in regards to the daughter, so perhaps the original altercation should be revisited.

No adult should have to "sneak" to see their own children or to carry on that parent/child relationship.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Let me guess, you cook, clean, give him all the physical intimacy he could ever want, you look great and treat him phenomenal?

Why Why WHY do women like you end up with men like this. WTF is wrong with this warped world.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

A loving husband would be supportive of your desire and NEED to spend time with your children and grandchildren, other relatives and friends.

He sounds extremely possessive and jealous and his breaking things, yelling and calling you names is abusive. 

To me, an outsider - it's a no-brainer, easy decision. I would move out and live with my daughter over living with a man like this. I would not tolerate a man's attempts to isolate me from my family. I would not bend to his intimidation attempts.

The minute you pulled up in the driveway to find he was in a rage and destroying the garage, you should have called the cops. People do what you allow and by submitting to him, you are allowing yourself to be isolated and abused.

It WAS Mother's Day yesterday. You had every right to enjoy time spent with your daughter and grandchildren - that's what that day is about. Your husband's behaviour was unreasonable.

Just because he doesn't like your daughter, doesn't mean you can't continue a relationship with her. I have people in my own family that I don't speak to. Others continue to have relationships with those people and I support it - I just don't want to be involved. They also support and understand my reasons for not interracting with those select few and no loyalties are ever divided. 

*Your husband doesn't have to be your daughter's friend but he has NO RIGHT to stop you from being her mother.*


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Please provide more info on the verbal spat and if it was warranted. Because if your daughter did something wrong you are wrong for taking her side. If she didnt your husband is wrong...however both are adults and should come to some type of agreement for you. Additionally remember your daughter is your child not your friend and if you are putting her needs first especially as since she is an adult I can see why your husband is pissed. He should not be violent but he should be pissed


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

Wow. It doesn't matter at all what has happened between your daughter and him, he has no right at all to react this way to your spending time with your daughter. you on on your way to being in a highly abusive relationship, you are about there now. The longer you stay, you continue sending him the message that his behavior is acceptable. Has he broken your belongings? That is a classic sign of someone that actually desires to strike you or your daughter.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This one is a no-brainer. Choose your daughter. Hands down. This man is a jerk.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You said you want advice.

You met this man one year ago, so this is a new marriage.

I'm sorry dear; you made a HUGE mistake marrying him. Best to leave now before your daughter & grands want nothing more to do with you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

whattodo1 said:


> Sometimes I just feel like packing everything and moving back to my home town,I feel like I cant think for myself that I have no control of my like anymore ,a puppet on a string,,,any advice Please.


 You just answered your own question and I think it's a good idea but........................what was the verbal spat they had? It can make a big difference but his violence is something to be worried about and if it continues, you better make some plans before it gets worse.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I'm confused... Why on earth would any woman stay with someone like this? Why have you stayed this long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your husband. I imagine this has all been very unsettling for you. His behavior is very unhealthy. Stepping out of your daughter's life so he can "have you all to himself" is just absurd. Obviously, that's not gonna happen. 

Still, in spite of his actions, you stated that you love him and you want this marriage to work. In order for you guys to move to a healthy place in marriage, he is going to have to agree that he has a problem and he needs help to fix it. He needs counseling. 

Like others, I am curious to know more of the back story here. It seems like you guys got married awfully quickly. Has he been married before?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Clearly OP is moving WAY too quickly.

At 1 year mark, I MIGHT introduce someone to my kids....Marriage though? WAYYYY too soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As others have said, your husband is out of line. His breaking things, destroying the garage, yelling and carry on as he does is violent abuse. When an abuser breaks things in anger, the message is that next time it might be you that he physically attacks. The purpose of this kind of outbreak is to put fear in you and control you.

What he is doing with your daughter is that he is trying to isolate you from all support so that he can have more control over you.

He did this yesterday? Do not clean up or fix anything. Call the police and report what he did. With the level of violence you describe you can ask them to permanently remove him from the home and get a restraining order so that he cannot come near you.

Who owns the house you are in? 

If the house belongs to him. You can use that restraining order to take the time to find a new place to live and get your stuff out. If you can stay with your daughter for a few days, that's could be even better.

If he house is yours, get help to pack all this things and put them in storage. Have someone give him the key. You don't go anywhere near him.

You have to end this relationship, it's only going to get worse.


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

Emerald said:


> You said you want advice.
> 
> You met this man one year ago, so this is a new marriage.
> 
> I'm sorry dear; you made a HUGE mistake marrying him. Best to leave now before your daughter & grands want nothing more to do with you.


I am so glad you brought this up! Is he worth losing you family over?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Without knowing the rest of the story (husbands version) this sounds similar to a situation I was in. 

Several years before my X and I were married she had made a casual remark that she never intended to marry again and that all she wanted to do was finish raising her daughter, work the job she was in, and wait for her daughter to bring her grandchildren (missed that red flag). In less than a year of marriage events unfolded that brought me back to what my X had said a few years earlier and I realized that I was regarded as a husband in name only, everything revolved primarily around her daughter then after her daughter was married it was all about her daughter and grandchildren.

There is a hierarchy of relationships, a pyramid if you will. My X, her daughter and grandchildren filled the top spot and my X's need for affection and attention were fulfilled by them hence very infrequent sex and no spontaneous acts of affection or intimacy with me on any level. I floated somewhere out on the periphery several rungs down. After a couple years of marriage it was like living with my sister or having a boarder in the house. She was quite content with the environment but to me it was just empty. I never got angry like your husband though.

Just curious...... how many times a day do you talk to your daughter on the phone or text?

Do you see your daughter every day?

Is your daughter married?

Were/are you a helicopter mom (no offense intended)?


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