# I need help guys...



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Ok, when do most men put their pride aside?
I know, having three older brothers, that your Dad's have probably said, "Big boys don't cry" or "You need to be a man" or "Don't let a woman tell you what to do" etc etc

But is there a point where you wake up and realize that being prideful is just hurting you and the ones you love?

Just trying to understand, I thought I understood, but apparently I don't....:scratchhead:

M


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Is it pride or being strong?

I think it depends on your perspective.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Is it pride or being strong?
> 
> I think it depends on your perspective.


In my case, it's pride....
There's no doubt he's strong. But why else would a man refuse to get help in his marriage, do anything to try and fix it (not even try to talk about it), try and do whatever it takes or admit we need help? It's like he's in total denial or he's too proud to admit it needs work.

I just don't get it....
How can you expect change when you do nothing to change?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Pride shouldn't get in the way of doing the right thing. Its a matter of integrity. You call it strength when a guy doesn't boohoo at the drop of a pin, but pride (in a negative sense)when he will not seek help after screwing up in the relationship.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't know your whole back-story. I took a look at your "You Left Me" thread.

Funny how you read someone elses circumstances and history and it so clearly makes you think of your own. What you wrote made me think about my ex. And based upon those thoughts, which I will clearly state, may be completely off the mark where your husband is concerned ...

is that it isn't pride.

It's fear.

I'm drawing that contrast based upon what you wrote about your husband, and what I know of my ex.

Pulling back the covers and taking a long hard look at why you are the way you are, and the reasons behind it, can be terrifying.

Given his level of avoidance and ability to dismiss and minimize steps that would be beneficial, I think under all of the bluff and bluster, he's afraid. And that is not something you can fix.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Halien said:


> Pride shouldn't get in the way of doing the right thing. Its a matter of integrity. You call it strength when a guy doesn't boohoo at the drop of a pin, but pride (in a negative sense)when he will not seek help after screwing up in the relationship.


His lack to acknowledge there is a problem that we need to work on just strikes a "I'm too proud of a man to admit there's a problem" cord....

I don't really know what to call it....


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I don't know your whole back-story. I took a look at your "You Left Me" thread.
> 
> Funny how you read someone elses circumstances and history and it so clearly makes you think of your own. What you wrote made me think about my ex. And based upon those thoughts, which I will clearly state, may be completely off the mark where your husband is concerned ...
> 
> ...


You know what, I think you may be on to something here!
Anytime I've ever tried to get him to open up, he has only said, "I let it snowball"....Now I get, "You left me"...so he clearly is trying to place ALL the blame on me. Yes, I played my part, and the one I'm playing now is the hardest of all....Knowing I can't fix him. I guess all I can do is try and fix me. 

I've been in therapy for 6 months, I've de-stressed by moving out, I spend time alone, time with friends - and let me tell you, my girlfriends have been there for me! 

He's made the comment, "I won't get married again if we divorce. I don't want to meet another family, your family is my family".....um, what does this mean?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> You know what, I think you may be on to something here!
> Anytime I've ever tried to get him to open up, he has only said, "I let it snowball"....Now I get, "You left me"...so he clearly is trying to place ALL the blame on me. Yes, I played my part, and the one I'm playing now is the hardest of all....Knowing I can't fix him. I guess all I can do is try and fix me.
> 
> I've been in therapy for 6 months, I've de-stressed by moving out, I spend time alone, time with friends - and let me tell you, my girlfriends have been there for me!
> ...


First of all - Deejo - :smnotworthy:

And what does his quote mean? Very little if there's no action behind it.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> First of all - Deejo - :smnotworthy:
> 
> And what does his quote mean? Very little if there's no action behind it.


Which quote? 
The::
"I let it snowball"....or
"You left me"...or
"I won't get married again if we divorce. I don't want to meet another family, your family is my family".....

I'm surprised he's said this much lol


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

QUOTED FOR TRUTH (I've lived it too)




Deejo said:


> I don't know your whole back-story. I took a look at your "You Left Me" thread.
> 
> Funny how you read someone elses circumstances and history and it so clearly makes you think of your own. What you wrote made me think about my ex. And based upon those thoughts, which I will clearly state, may be completely off the mark where your husband is concerned ...
> 
> ...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> QUOTED FOR TRUTH (I've lived it too)


Me too. But "he" can fix it. But how do you get someone to "fix" it for themselves? You can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Conrad said:


> QUOTED FOR TRUTH (I've lived it too)


:soapbox:Wouldn't there be fear of losing your wife and son too?
Isn't there a time when all the bs in life doesn't matter?
Who cares what anyone else thinks...I need to man-up and save my family?

If I didn't want to lose something/someone, I'd fight till the bitter end to save it....he hasn't done...well, I can't say it but ******* (there I typed them in myself!) lol

:soapbox: *kicks soapbox to the side* lol


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Me too. But "he" can fix it. But how do you get someone to "fix" it for themselves? You can't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great! Are you divorced?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Almost. Maybe. Not sure yet. My circumstances were a bit different then yours.

But, I was fearful. Fearful of changing. Fearful of my wife. Fearful of conflict. Etc. Etc. 

Separation is what caused me to change. It took being on the brink to make myself take a good look in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. So.....I changed. And I am far from that person I used to be...or, maybe....more like that person I used to be before I got fearful. The thing is, like any change or epiphany of spirit, HE needs to discover it. You can rant all you want to him, but if he's not mentally there yet, change will be impossible until he embraces it himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Almost. Maybe. Not sure yet. My circumstances were a bit different then yours.
> 
> But, I was fearful. Fearful of changing. Fearful of my wife. Fearful of conflict. Etc. Etc.
> 
> ...


Well I won't be surprised if this time next year you guys will be reading my threads in the "Divorced" section b/c if he sees he needs to change or work on something....he damn sure isn't doing anything that I see....

Except ignoring me (normal), won't talk (unless I crank up the convo) still works out (his priority) he's on some websites (saw them on the pc) and just putting right along....seems down, depressed (which he doesn't believe in) and anti-social (which he normally is until he gets to know someone) so - I don't see any changes....I SWEAR he wanted me gone! What I don't understand is why say, "I love you and I miss you"....what's the point?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

And I keep asking the same dern question over and over::::

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY! lol


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sounds like depression. Do you suspect depression? A lot of his behaviors I experienced too.

Also, is he from an abusive background? Is he Passive Agressive? Was he always so antisocial?

Depression is evil. Maybe his mind is so full of crap he doesn't even know where to start to fix himself, even though he may want too. Plus, he may tend to sweep things under the rug in hopes they go away....especially if he's depressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

alphaomega said:


> Sounds like depression. Do you suspect depression? A lot of his behaviors I experienced too.
> 
> Also, is he from an abusive background? Is he Passive Agressive? Was he always so antisocial?
> 
> ...


Agree...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Sounds like depression. Do you suspect depression? A lot of his behaviors I experienced too.
> 
> Also, is he from an abusive background? Is he Passive Agressive? Was he always so antisocial?
> 
> ...


I think he's depressed too, but hard to get him to see that when he doesn't believe in depression!

No abusive background that I know of, his parents are pretty solid people and both our parents have been married 50+ years.

Now....passive aggressive? Yes - actually my therapist pointed it out. He doesn't yell, or doing anything - yet he does nothing. His lack of action or words MADE ME make a move, made ME do all the talking...etc

I wish so much he would go to talk to someone...
I guess I always knew he was like this, and adjusted myself accordingly. It's funny, whenever we'd get mad @one another, we'd clean the house - both of us. A way of avoiding talking about it....that I see now


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