# Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex



## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

For me I know exactly what is going on within my mind, heart and soul as result of no physical contact and no sex with my wife of 48 yeas - no sex for 15 years + 6 months. It is a constant struggle and very discouraging because I don't see how there will ever be a recovery for us. Early in our marriage intimacy was great, we both shared the initiation but now, two people sharing house and bed, that's it.

What I really don't know is what is going on in the mind and soul of my wife? Does she struggle at all? She told me about a years ago, "I don't need to have sex.' she later said she would enjoy it but it is not something she has to have. That tells me a lot because I know her well and her life before we were married. She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed. I believe within heer she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit but not by me based on her comment she does not have to have sex.

All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

After not having sex for 15 years, I suspect she doesn't give it a second thought. Perhaps she could be turned on by the right guy saying the right thing, but until that happens, she probably has that area of her life walled off.

C


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think PBear is probably right about her having that walled off from her mind by now. 

Instead of trying to find out what she thinks and feels about not having intimate relations, have you tried asking her what makes her feel desired or sexy?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My opinion is that she's perfectly fine without it, doesn't think about it, and doesn't miss it.

There are plenty of women out there who dislike sex for whatever reason (low drive, upbringing, etc.) so she probably is thrilled that's long been out of her life. 

I don't know the percentage of women with high drive vs. low drive but women have a fraction of T that men do and she may have always been on the lower end of that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Would she be fine with you not meeting her needs for 15 years?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let me correct you on one stat:

Married for 33 years, roommates for 15.

She withdrew from the marriage 15 years ago to where her relationship to you is financial, and friendly, but you are not in a committed intimate relationship any longer. You've got a long time friend.

Advice: decide if you want to live like this? Physical intimacy is also important for emotional health, especially in men. 

Would she be ok, if you stopped eating dinner at home for 15 years? It stopped sleeping in your home? As in get yourself a nice place of your own? 

You meet her needs by being around, available, and engaged with her. What would she have done if you stopped doing all that. 15 years ago? Would she still be around waiting for you?


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

First, congratulations on 48 years of marriage, that's a huge milestone, almost golden now.

You haven't indicate whether this is problem for your marriage or not? Sounds like it's just bothering you but your marriage is fine. 
Have you talked to her about this? Open communication is the best method to resolve most problems.

One more point: You've been married for 48 years? You and your wife must be around 70. Sex drive declines with age, sex drive in each person can be different, and it's not unusual for women in their 60s and 70s to loose their sex drive.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

48 years... you've done better than most here have or ever will. As far as I'm concerned you should be giving us advice.

I also disagree with the goofy "Married for 33 years, roommates for 15" comment, unless you felt sex was the main, or only reason to be married all those years. It sounds to me like you were ok with things until recently.



> She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed. I believe within her she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit...


Try different ways to light her fire. Become a more exciting, spontaneous, man. You can't wait for her, you have to make the first move. Don't give up. Surprise her. Wisk her off her feet. You've done this before... before some here were even born! You can do it again. Go get her.


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## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

Thanks to each of you for your posts, being objective and taking the time to share ideas and thoughts. This helps even if the issue does not go away all together.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> *FromNeptune*:
> no physical contact and no sex with my wife of 48 yeas - no sex for 15 years + 6 months. It is a constant struggle and very discouraging because I don't see how there will ever be a recovery for us.


*daMan & AlmostYoung*: did you even READ what he wrote?

Neptune: I am a *56yo WOMAN *and I totally agree with what *Thound* and *Shaggy* wrote.

Your wife is perfectly SATISFIED in your 48 year marriage.
You have been UNHAPPY & UNSATISIFED after 33 years of marriage.

I'd congratulate you on your 33 year marriage, and tell you your 15 years of *Friends With *no *Benefits* (aka Roommates) is NOT something that would interest ME or ANY loving spouse. If BOTH spouses aren't HAPPY & SATISIFIED, then it's not a good marriage...it's just marking time! 

You could live with your sister, or your cousin, or your daughter and have a clean house, friendly conversation and NO SEX.

*Only YOU can decide if the benefits of this 48-year relationship OUTWEIGH the benefits of leaving *(because your wife is NOT going to change)!


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> did you even READ what he wrote?


Did you?



FN said:


> I believe within her she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit...


I offered a plan for reawakening that desire. You and the others offered that he should just bail on his W and marriage, which if you're paying attention, is obviously something he'd rather not do... and I don't blame him. 

You are right about one thing though, only FromNeptune can decide what choice is best for him. 




SGW said:


> (because your wife is NOT going to change)!


Where exactly did you get this crystal ball of yours?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I'm surprised none of the MMSL promoters have bitten. :scratchhead:

How To Figure Out What Is Wrong In Your Sex Life | Married Man Sex Life


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Married for 33 years, roommates for 15.
> 
> She withdrew from the marriage 15 years ago to where her relationship to you is financial, and friendly, but you are not in a committed intimate relationship any longer. You've got a long time friend.


I agree with the poster that said this is BS.Including room mates aren't in a "committed intimate relationship"..they CAN be but then they aren't "just room mates" anymore.That term for me is a slap in the face..I haven't been married 48 years but I have been for 25 years.and if for whatever reason we couldn't have sex anymore and someone told me then you aren't married anymore now ya'll are just "room mates" AND you aren't in a committed intimate relationship anymore just based on lack of sex I might just slap them in the face.

Room mates I assume never have and never would have sex and they also aren't intimate or necessarily friends in other ways(the many ways).And what about "friends with benefits" that don't live together are they married?And how long are they married for only during sex (while its occuring) then when they aren't having sex they are back to being "just friends"?

What you are doing is making sex be the only deciding factor of whether or not 2 people are "married or not"..Otherwise they are room mates.So for me to be able to "absorb that" then two people who live together as room mates who may not even be friends either if they have sex one time then I guess during the time they are litterally having sex (in those moments) they are married?Or is anyone who has sex with anyone no matter what other circumstances married during sex?And the minute they stop having sex (not actively engaging) they are no longer married?

Who gets to draw the line?For me ?I haven't had sex with my husband in about 5 days..Am I now only his room mate?Were we only married and in a "close intimate relationship" during the minutes we last had sex 5 days ago?If not why?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

OP, how old are both of you?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.


And to you sir (sorry for my rant on "room mate" your wife is obviously more than that or you wouldn't wonder such things).I would "assume" after that long as the other posters suggested she doesn't think about it often or worry about it..I would however imagine(just my guess) if she does think about it its more along the lines she knows its(her lack of interest) "unusual" and that something is 'wrong"..

She said she doesn't "need sex" ..she is correct no one "needs it" ..ask her if she ever "wants" sex.If she has never "wanted" sex in 15 whole years not even a thought in her mind (which is unusual) and that started 15 years ago?(and married 48 years)So yall are what around 70?Sounds ridiculous but she could have lost the hormones that drive the basic sex drive.Sounds like around menopause time..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

southern wife said:


> OP, how old are both of you?


OOPS !I totally goofed!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

FromNeptune said:


> For me I know exactly what is going on within my mind, heart and soul as result of no physical contact and no sex with my wife of 48 yeas - no sex for 15 years + 6 months. It is a constant struggle and very discouraging because I don't see how there will ever be a recovery for us. Early in our marriage intimacy was great, we both shared the initiation but now, two people sharing house and bed, that's it.
> 
> What I really don't know is what is going on in the mind and soul of my wife? Does she struggle at all? She told me about a years ago, "I don't need to have sex.' she later said she would enjoy it but it is not something she has to have. That tells me a lot because I know her well and her life before we were married. She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed. I believe within heer she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit but not by me based on her comment she does not have to have sex.
> 
> All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.


Have you ASKED her? I know she said she didn't need it but have you really talked to her about what makes her tick? Just because it's gone doesn't necessarily mean it can't be reawakened but obviously the status quo has to change.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I believe within her she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit...


Well, if she's in her late 60's or early 70's, you might be very wrong about that. 

How is her health? What medications is she taking? What would make you think she has an unspoken sexual desire in her that she won't share with you?


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

hi there,loads of advice here i might as well put mine in as well being as i am nearer the age that you speak of more than any other answer-i am in my mid 60s been married for nearly 42 yrs no sex for possibly 12 yrs due to husbands medication (or so he says) do i miss it ? for the first few years yes but as time goes by if you don,t use it you lose it! which i should think has happened in your wifes case-she may have had a lower sex drive than you & as many women do (& i,m not saying its right) but things on the mind,jobs to do etc.etc & the inevitable happens & the sexual urge lessens-it,s not the be all & end all & if you still share the same bed that is good-try & go out as a couple more,share more things,talk,above all try & get out of the routine that you are both in,maybe just maybe you will get some more intimate moments although i don,t think after so many years that full blown sex is going to happen before a lot of groundwork is done-at this moment in time it will be the last thing on her mind-good luck to you


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

AlmostYoung said:


> Did you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do blame him. She has neglected a basic need of his for fifteen years. That is a shocking piece of selfishness and is not the act of a loving spouse.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> for the first few years yes but as time goes by if you don,t use it you lose it! which i should think has happened in your wifes case-she may have had a lower sex drive than you & as many women do (& i,m not saying its right)


Its not "wrong" either having a lower sex drive (which is biological) its no more right or wrong any more than having a higher one.

I will agree with you if don't use it you lose it though.For men and women.

But there is nothing "superior" about a person who has a high drive as compared to a person with to a lower drive than them.The person with the lower drive is not "wrong".


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I do blame him. She has neglected a basic need of his for fifteen years. That is a shocking piece of selfishness and is not the act of a loving spouse.


She would have been demonized for "supplying his need" eventually too...His questions are about HER having any needs? Did you notice?Her "giving him sex" would I guarantee you still be turned back into the same question..Including her having sex with him for HIS "needs" would be throwing him a bone..her giving him "crumbs" because she selflessly "gave to him".


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## ColemanBooks (Mar 20, 2013)

Hi Neptune, sorry for your dilemma and congratulations on you and your wife's committment to each other. I think your situation is more common than you would imagine. I'm not 70, I'm in my 40's, but I explained to my wife during a friendly, unarmed needs discussion that her "throwing me a bone to meet my needs" was not so much about sex as it was an affirmation that she still found me attractive and interesting. She had slowed down also, mostly because of the daily grind with the kids, but she goes out of her way now to make an effort...a few times a month...which is great. She has needs that I also would not view as paramount in my mind, but I purposefully go out of my way to see fufilled. That's what it's all about...both parties making an effort. Hopefully it's age universal.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.


No One knows the answer to that question. The best we can do is guess



> she would enjoy it but it is not something she has to have


She would enjoy sex but has not had sex with you for 15 years?
That is a very strong message





> She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed.


Remember that movie about the space program with the line
“Houston we have a problem”

*You live in Houston and you have a huge problem in your marriage!*
Are you satisfied with no sex for 15 years?


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