# Wow, didn't see this coming. I've totally lost all desire to date.



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I just am not interested.
I wonder what the h*ll happened?
I know I really miss my friend who had the brain hemorrhage.
And that the guy I dated for the past 4 months was, even though he said he was 'nice', and he was certainly cute and could be charming and act sensitive...was way too often dismissive and narcissistic and a f*cked up pothead.
But now I am just Not Interested in dating. The process of dating. The actual dates. Nada. I'd rather go out for a beer with my guy friend, go to my Argentine Tango classes/practices, or read into the late hours then take my neuro med and sleep or go to the movies by myself. I can't really get enthusiastic about any other kind of life than the one I'm living right now. I like getting up in the morning and not having to deal with another adult. And sleeping in my own bed. I wonder if my last relationship just pushed me over the edge. I think it's that no matter who I meet, they have some idea of how they want me to be, who they want me to be...and it's just so far off the mark that I just don't even really want to try to bridge that gap. With my boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage, we were friends for nearly a year before we started dating, so he knew me pretty well, and loved me anyway.
I know I dated this last guy in an attempt to get over the guy who had the brain hemorrhage, and now I'm right back where I started. Oh, well. I thought I could be logical about this, but there's no logic to it at all.
I'm not the kind of person who can just have a relationship for relationship's sake. I really did like the f*ck-up, which was dumb. He's a hassle. I hope now that I've unfriended him he doesn't start calling or whatever.


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## sandc

Then just be who you are for a while. No matter where you go there you are so learn to live with you for now.

You may find that you actually like just... well, just you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

sandc said:


> Then just be who you are for a while. No matter where you go there you are so learn to live with you for now.
> 
> You may find that you actually like just... well, just you.


I think that's what happened. When I was younger I never had any conscious intention of marrying. I did my own thing.


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## Lon

I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.

naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...

As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.


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## vi_bride04

Lon said:


> I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.
> 
> naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...
> 
> As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.


Love this....

And I am also one of those women. I am enjoying myself and spending time with myself. I don't want to date at all. Doesn't sound appealing. I want someone to enjoy me for me, all of me. When I find that person, then maybe I will date them 

I would much rather do what I want and not worry about pleasing anyone but myself at the moment.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> I'm sure he will take the hint, if not tell him to go blow it out his glass. lol.
> 
> naw, I'm sure you let him down swiftly and kindly...
> 
> As for dating, glad you learned something about what you want, and I'm sure that at some point you will want male companionship again. I'm seeing a trend here from many people who've been married once before, especially women, that really don't want to be tied down to someone unless they are just right, and instead of continually seeking that perfect person finding contentment with themselves and still enjoy life, including to a certain extent, dating and relationships. It seems like a very natural way we have evolved to live, I wish more women would just accept it instead of insisting on finding the one and only.


According to him it was devastating, he posted sad stuff on his FB page and waited for people to offer him sympathy. What really happened is that at 1 a.m. he told me he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me and wanted to still be friends but when I said I didn't think that would be possible, he said he was going to put away the champagne glasses in the hall so that I wouldn't break them. Of course, this was insulting to me and so I left right away vs. waiting for the morning. When I asked him later if he'd meant to break up with me, he said, "I was just being honest." Obviously he lacks some kind of clarity because action and natural consequences. 

So did I let him down easy? I left without starting any kind of fight, even though he said a number of things to me that would have ordinarily provoked anger, I didn't let that happen. I focused on leaving for my own good. Now he is all upset and turning to his friends for sympathy because his relationship ended and he posted 'I guess honesty is not the best policy.' OMG, I think he actually thought I would stay with him after he said that to me. Is that not normal or what? 

Anyway, I met the guy I dated before, who had the brain hemorrhage, when I was going about my own business. He was so endearing, and we were good buddies for the longest time, also good dance partners. 

Oh, well. I can't undo his brain hemorrhage although I do kick myself almost daily for not recognizing it sooner than I did, and even then, I thought maybe he had meningitis or a real bad flu. WTF?


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## Lon

Yes HNU you let him down easy - as easy as he could take it... you didn't send him mixed signals. If he said he wasn't attracted to you, was he expecting something to change to make himself attracted to you? Nope, you did exactly what he should have expected you to when he said that. Maybe he will eventually come to thank you for the mature way you handled the situation... and it is ok for him to seek some sympathy from his friends because he lost a person from his life that did mean something important (even if he lacked the clarity to understand why).

As for your your old flame that had the hemorrhage, you did nothing to cause the problem or make it worse - stop kicking yourself, sometimes life just throws us bad stuff, and there is nothing you can do to change the past. And since we're talking about him, how is his recovery going along? Is he able to function in any way that resembles the life he had before at all?


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## Jellybeans

Good riddance I say. I mean what did he expect you to say or do when he said he was not attracted to you? Silly guy. At least he was honest though.

Homemaker, how you feel about dating (you don't, lol) is how I have felt about dating ever since I separated ftrom my now exH 3 yrs ago. There was only ONE time (over the summer) I felt like dating someone and that was very brief and it didn't make me sad when it ended. Like you, I have never been into being into a relationship just for the sake of having one or dating. No, thanks. 

The more time that goes on, the more I feel like, what is the point. Nothing lasts forever anyway. Sure, it'd be nice to meet someone but if I never do again I am not worried about it. Life goes on. 

I am enjoying my new life as a single woman. I spent my entire 20s in a relationship with my ex and now being not in a couple felt so strange at first but I am really adapting well to it. It's getting harder and harder to remember what being married like was for me.

Homemaker--if you meet someone, great, if not, just keep on trekkin. And definitely don't waste time with guys who don't share your values/beliefs/attraction. It's better to end it soon than to let it drag.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> Yes HNU you let him down easy - as easy as he could take it... you didn't send him mixed signals. If he said he wasn't attracted to you, was he expecting something to change to make himself attracted to you? Nope, you did exactly what he should have expected you to when he said that. Maybe he will eventually come to thank you for the mature way you handled the situation... and it is ok for him to seek some sympathy from his friends because he lost a person from his life that did mean something important (even if he lacked the clarity to understand why).
> 
> As for your your old flame that had the hemorrhage, you did nothing to cause the problem or make it worse - stop kicking yourself, sometimes life just throws us bad stuff, and there is nothing you can do to change the past. And since we're talking about him, how is his recovery going along? Is he able to function in any way that resembles the life he had before at all?


Thanks Lon. It makes me upset that he shot himself in the foot, but honestly, how can I rely on someone who constantly does that? It's like he wanted me to feel sorry for him that he wasn't in love with me. I just couldn't do it. Thanks to therapy I'm no longer the least bit co-dependent.

I really miss my friend who had the brain hemorrhage. Like, he is alive, and I guess has the same basic personality, that I know for sure because I was with him every single day for 6 weeks after it happened. But functionally, no, he's not the same person, and it takes logistics to make a life happen. So he is alive but dead to me, because his sister still has guardianship of him, and she cut me out of his life, even though she told the state appointed attorney she wasn't going to do that. I heard the family heavily censored me out of his life, even telling him that he was with someone else when he had his brain hemorrhage. I know, that's just nuts, but that's the way they are, and he as much as told me this the night before it all happened, how nuts they all were. I didn't realize I was going to have to find out for real that soon, or that brutally.

Honestly, I could just cry. I guess I did. Posts here are so kind and heartfelt. I've had so many losses in my life, some of them like this recent guy, won't matter. But this one absolutely did. I sobbed and sobbed after it happened and I'd dealt with the emergency rooms and all that stuff that goes on at the beginning. Since then I've been on sedatives. Just the past few nights I've been waking up in the wee hours. I think maybe I need to increase dose, perhaps what this last guy did to me was so crazy-making that I could use a little bit extra, which I have an okay to do from the neuro nurse. My work is going along fine. I have that interview on Monday and seeing my close friends that evening, kids are all friends too. It will be good to be with my family/friends, these are the ones I camp with in the summer. 

I'm just not the type to let anyone see me cry. I'm pretty sure I'm not really crying on account of this last guy, but the friend with the brain hemorrhage leaving me unaccountably to deal with everything that came after. I mean, he was the one person I could really count on. Besides myself.

We were really compatible, shared all the same hobbies and past-times, similar lifestyles, both self-employed...and we could talk about anything, and physically it was great, emotionally all there, even when he was brain damaged he was emotionally all there, and would hold me in bed in the hospital, and we'd tell each other not to be scared. Seems like just yesterday. I'm not doing a very good job of not being scared at some level, but I'm doing an EXCELLENT job of not acting scared. There's a difference. I know I can count on myself. The nasty thing is having to, and having a reason to.

Actually, after having this happen to me, I'm not really scared of anything. But I'm still having trouble, I guess, reconciling the reality of what happened, and how it was before, to my present reality. I'm okay, grounded in reality, but this one thing is just beyond belief and experience for me. You'd think after my father suiciding and all the violence and torment I grew up with, I'd be cool. But there is something about a genuine loss of love, vs. losing people who don't really give a sh*t, that's no match for me.

I guess I give up. In a good way. I just have to stop trying to get over it, because there's no good way to get over it. I just have to let it be. ???


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## sandc

While he's burning bridges you can make 'smores.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

sandc said:


> While he's burning bridges you can make 'smores.


I'd like to like that but I'm not even feeling vengeful.
Part of me wishes I had his personality, it just seems so much easier...but then I know what goes on behind the scenes, and I know that it's not. I'd hate to wake up feeling depressed and overwhelmed, and then be the kind of person that puts on a sarcastic, know-it-all, pity me I was dumped again, women are just no good, love me because nobody else does (plenty of codependents lining up) kind of thing. But then if I did all that, I wouldn't have time for myself. LOL. (I think.)

In my reading I discovered that narcissistic sociopaths have more testosterone going on at those times, and that's why women fall for them. It's all chemical. I think my neuro meds saved me, blocking any kind of dependency that could have occurred due to the lure of the male hormones.


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## sandc

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'd like to like that but I'm not even feeling vengeful.
> Part of me wishes I had his personality, it just seems so much easier...but then I know what goes on behind the scenes, and I know that it's not. I'd hate to wake up feeling depressed and overwhelmed, and then be the kind of person that puts on a sarcastic, know-it-all, pity me I was dumped again, women are just no good, love me because nobody else does (plenty of codependents lining up) kind of thing. But then if I did all that, I wouldn't have time for myself. LOL. (I think.)
> 
> In my reading I discovered that narcissistic sociopaths have more testosterone going on at those times, and that's why women fall for them. It's all chemical. I think my neuro meds saved me, blocking any kind of dependency that could have occurred due to the lure of the male hormones.


It's not about vengeance. It's about making the best of what comes your way in life. Kinda' like, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Sometimes I envy my autistic son.


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## MSC71

I have never been one to try and date. Seems like when your looking you find all the wrong ones. And no sense in putting up with any drama. Especially if you are older (I'm 41) and you have been through a divorce!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

MSC71 said:


> I have never been one to try and date. Seems like when your looking you find all the wrong ones. And no sense in putting up with any drama. Especially if you are older (I'm 41) and you have been through a divorce!!


I'm just sick of the Q & A. It's like a freakin' job interview, and I don't even have to interview to get my jobs, they just materialize. WTF!!!!!

I have an interview tomorrow with a film maker instead of a date. Lined it up on my way out of the film festival this evening.
He likes ballroom dance and is going to introduce me to the lead actress, a former girlfriend of his who's flying in tomorrow. There's a dance party tomorrow night, so hopefully I can get them to come over for a bit and liven up that party. Now THAT'S the way to be living. 

I'm spending tomorrow working and writing. Then heading into town for the evening...what a relief. Two dates in one day was insane, but it was good because it showed me how much I really dislike it.

My date I took to the movies is nice. I can see doing stuff with him and getting to know him, but he talked a lot about money. I think he's insecure. In fact, almost all the men I know and have dated talk a lot about money. Do they not have anything else to talk about?


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## MSC71

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'm just sick of the Q & A. It's like a freakin' job interview, and I don't even have to interview to get my jobs, they just materialize. WTF!!!!!
> 
> I have an interview tomorrow with a film maker instead of a date. Lined it up on my way out of the film festival this evening.
> He likes ballroom dance and is going to introduce me to the lead actress, a former girlfriend of his who's flying in tomorrow. There's a dance party tomorrow night, so hopefully I can get them to come over for a bit and liven up that party. Now THAT'S the way to be living.
> 
> I'm spending tomorrow working and writing. Then heading into town for the evening...what a relief. Two dates in one day was insane, but it was good because it showed me how much I really dislike it.
> 
> My date I took to the movies is nice. I can see doing stuff with him and getting to know him, but he talked a lot about money. I think he's insecure. In fact, almost all the men I know and have dated talk a lot about money. Do they not have anything else to talk about?


Thats what I'm saying. Maybe a date will "materialize" like jobs do for you. Do these guys talk about money in a bragging way ? Like they are trying to impress you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

MSC71 said:


> Thats what I'm saying. Maybe a date will "materialize" like jobs do for you. Do these guys talk about money in a bragging way ? Like they are trying to impress you?


I agree. That's how I met my buddy, the we got serious about each other. But there was no 'dating.' 

The guys usually talk about their work and their finances. It never crossed my mind that they were trying to impress me. I suppose maybe that's true that they were. I guess maybe they feel like they're competing with guys who don't have jobs? My last boyfriend was always stressing about his work and money, but in a way that he was trying to encourage himself about his prospects, which are bleak. I mean, he sells in galleries but that doesn't support him, and has to do the craft fair circuit. 

I don't really like being asked about my work on a date.
I'd rather talk about something else, like where someone has traveled and how that affected them, etc.


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## EnjoliWoman

Men are programmed to want to be providers - they were probably trying to show they are. Asking what someone does for a living seems normal to me. It isn't about figuring out how much someone earns but I think it shows a lot about what interests them and if they aren't interested by their job that tells something about them, too - how they value stability over happiness (IMO). 

When I ask about a job, usually I also ask what they enjoy about it. Last guy liked the challenge of figuring stuff out - the problem solving aspect of his job. This makes sense as he also likes puzzles, games, etc. So I learned he needs lots of mental stimulation. 

Hobbies and travel are important to discuss as well - I think we both find out what interests our dates. I just find the career path a part of that.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Men are programmed to want to be providers - they were probably trying to show they are. Asking what someone does for a living seems normal to me. It isn't about figuring out how much someone earns but I think it shows a lot about what interests them and if they aren't interested by their job that tells something about them, too - how they value stability over happiness (IMO).
> 
> When I ask about a job, usually I also ask what they enjoy about it. Last guy liked the challenge of figuring stuff out - the problem solving aspect of his job. This makes sense as he also likes puzzles, games, etc. So I learned he needs lots of mental stimulation.
> 
> Hobbies and travel are important to discuss as well - I think we both find out what interests our dates. I just find the career path a part of that.


I prefer activity dates...doing something together and spending time together rather than sit over a meal and interrogate. I'm okay with my past but my past is my past and I think it's inappropriate to grill someone on their past and their income range and the details of their work on the first date. I'd rather talk about what activities we might share in common. So, if someone mountain bikes where have they gone, if they hike, what trails did they do this season, if they kayak, who do we know in common... Generally what do they do for work. Fine. 

So last night between short films at the film festival my nice guy date that a dance friend lined me up with tells me I remind him of someone and I'm listening and it turns out it was a woman he knew when he was in night school/university and he went on about how they all went out for drinks after class, nothing every happened, how his wife would have probably killed him (metaphorically I guess) if she knew, etc. I held my tongue but I said to myself...well maybe she DID know and that's why you're divorced. As soon as a guy says 'nothing ever happened' and 'it was okay because we went out in a group' and then says that his wife didn't know about it and shouldn't because it would have caused problems... OMG. I thought to myself, he cannot be serious, he is telling me this on our first date! So, I remind him of someone he wanted to cheat on his wife with but didn't. This is ummmmmmmmmmmmm supposed to be a COMPLIMENT?

Please file this under 'dates gone bad'.


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## vi_bride04

...hahaha love the "oh but nothing ever happened" yet his wife would have killed him...

Sorry you are having some bad experiences lately.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

vi_bride04 said:


> ...hahaha love the "oh but nothing ever happened" yet his wife would have killed him...
> 
> Sorry you are having some bad experiences lately.


And the thing is, he was saying this to me confidentially, as though I was his buddy. No, it was a first date, so maybe you should censor yourself!

Also, I explained to him that I don't like to share popcorn in a movie. I didn't give a reason but the thing is that when I'm watching a film I don't like to have to pay attention to turn-taking and also I like popcorn and I want to eat it at my leisure. I've had too many instances in the past where I wasn't able to save any of my legitimate half for later in the movie.

Well, during the credits for a film (this was a film festival, so the credits are important to me) he made a joke to tease me by grabbing for my popcorn, I moved my popcorn away and he did it again, and when I said, no way, he did it again. My eyes were on the screen. 

I don't like being teased by someone who doesn't know me very well. I'd explained to him that during film festivals when the directors are present (the row in front of us was reserved for that...it's the row in the theater where the distance from the screen maximizes the resolution and clarity of the projection...) you absolutely don't talk. Of course, he talked and during the Q&A period after when I was wanting to listen to the questions and answers to the directors and crew he was talking to me, and justifying by saying he needed to keep his voice low. FAIL.

I'd told him that usually the people I know who work at the theatre like to go alone, that it's rare we invite anyone to go with us unless it's a second viewing. 

Also, he used his elbow to touch me during the films, which I found very distracting. Watch your body space. Don't touch me with your elbow. I am watching a film that I paid to see and will only get a single chance to see it on the big screen.

I told him after the movies were over and I was going out to the parking garage, that I didn't want to date I just like to have friends to do things with, that dating is just awkward and not my style. 

When he was leaving one of the directors started talking to me, so after I said good night to date I stayed to talk to the director. I'll go to see his film this afternoon and interview him as primarily he's a photography artist. His leading actress is flying in today. This guy used to choreograph and ballroom dance on Broadway so I'm inviting him over to our dance milonga tonight which is across the street from the theatre. Hopefully he and the actress will stop by for one dance, lol. 

So my date turned out to be good since I made a good connection that's meaningful to me. Not for dating, but just an artist to interview and talk to. I'm taking a videography class next semester.

But the whole interchange kind of solidified that I have my 'own kind' and I'd do much better to stick with them and not venture out looking for compatibility anywhere else. 

I had thought my last boyfriend would be more creative minded, he blows glass but he doesn't really create stuff, he's too busy worrying about paying his bills (including his pot tab I suppose.)

Writing today, then being 'irresponsible' and going to the movies, catching up with this duo then grabbing a bite to eat and going to Argentine Tango dance party. Normal day, really.


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## vi_bride04

Wow. He just sounds disrespectful all the way around...

Disrespectful to his first wife, to your popcorn wishes, to being polite during the movie...

Glad to see the evening wasn't a total loss though!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

vi_bride04 said:


> Wow. He just sounds disrespectful all the way around...
> 
> Disrespectful to his first wife, to your popcorn wishes, to being polite during the movie...
> 
> Glad to see the evening wasn't a total loss though!


The funny thing was, I thought I would test him by taking him to see a very dark block of films encapsulated as 'Twisted Tales' and a couple of my friends at the theatre knew that if he didn't like that kind of movie, it wasn't going to fly, ever, between us. So I was shooting for the one assessment, jump in feet first, do you like grindhouse/dark movies, can you tolerate them....? And instead I found out all this other stuff, without even trying.

I have to be honest, before I participated in this forum, I might have been impressed at being told I reminded him of this woman, or that he wanted to pay attention to me by teasing me, or that he wanted to touch me. Now I'm like, those are red flags. Definitely show a lack of sensitivity. 

He also wanted to mark a table at the Taco joint, after I told him most people just choose from what's available after ordering their food...so his glasses were on the table when I sat down, he went to the restroom (he seemed to need to do that a couple times during the evening...) and when he came to the table, he said, I guess you really want to try my glasses on...they were some kind that separates at the nose. Nope, never crossed my mind, just hoping you take them off the table before the food comes because they're right in the middle of the table and the strap is a rigid one and it's just gross, having headwear/eyewear on the table like that...then I'd set the table already with napkins and he proceeds to give me two or three more napkins. One is enough. The place is environmentally friendly and there's signs on the napkin dispenser to only take what you need.

I know this sounds like nitpicking...but he was in my territory, and I explained the rules that are followed at this place...order your food, THEN, get a table. It was embarrassing to claim a table in advance of ordering food. The napkins, well, I suppose maybe it's a habit from fast food, but the dispensers are marked to conserve. 

Argh.


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## vi_bride04

He sounds alot like my stbxh...

'oh you said what? who cares I'm going to do what I want b/c those rules don't apply to me'

Or maybe he was just socially clueless? (also stbxh...ha!)


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## lostintheworld1

For me the thought of dating is exhausting. The whole process of sorting through all the uncomfortable silences, planning good dates, and the stress of the whole thing is just daunting. For now I guess just focusing on myself, reading, healing from divorce, working out, spending time with friends and working is usually enough. But then some days I want to cuddle, share things and sex... yup miss that too! I know that part of me is ready to try to find the new love of my life. But wow it is just scary. I guess we will all just know when we are ready. Even if it is a long time from now.


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## Lon

HNU, you sound like my kind of movie buddy.

Separate popcorn, optimal seating, no distractions... :thumbup:

Unless it's a chick flick, then I like those things.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

vi_bride04 said:


> He sounds alot like my stbxh...
> 
> 'oh you said what? who cares I'm going to do what I want b/c those rules don't apply to me'
> 
> Or maybe he was just socially clueless? (also stbxh...ha!)


Who knows. At least I'm more adept at seeing stuff that's going to be a problem. I don't think dating is a good way to get to know someone. Probably just knowing someone in the course of your day to day is a better idea.


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## angelpixie

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't think dating is a good way to get to know someone. Probably just knowing someone in the course of your day to day is a better idea.


This is true, and also, unfortunately, why people end up falling for co-workers. (I know there are people who have spouses who've cheated with a co-worker who would be unhappy to hear this) You do see the person on a day-to-day basis. While working with them, you see if they're honest, ethical, hard-working, how they treat other people (especially people they disagree with or who don't do something as well as they do), how they react under stress, etc. Sure, people will say you only see a co-worker at their best (they tend to dress nicely for work, for the most part, etc.), but there's a lot more chance to see the 'real' them than on a single outing such as a date. Other than working together, how do adults meet people and get a chance to spend that much time with them? I guess, in the case of my STBXH, going back to school would also be an opportunity/temptation (depending on if the person is married or single).


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## Paradise

angelpixie said:


> This is true, and also, unfortunately, why people end up falling for co-workers. (I know there are people who have spouses who've cheated with a co-worker who would be unhappy to hear this) You do see the person on a day-to-day basis. While working with them, you see if they're honest, ethical, hard-working, how they treat other people (especially people they disagree with or who don't do something as well as they do), how they react under stress, etc. Sure, people will say you only see a co-worker at their best (they tend to dress nicely for work, for the most part, etc.), but there's a lot more chance to see the 'real' them than on a single outing such as a date. Other than working together, how do adults meet people and get a chance to spend that much time with them? I guess, in the case of my STBXH, going back to school would also be an opportunity/temptation (depending on if the person is married or single).


I met my ex at work. She changed jobs and then found her new husband while married to me. Same exact process. I changed jobs and there are absolutely no single women worth getting to know in my building. Not sure why it works this way but oh well!!!


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah that comment about his wife would have been a red flag to me, too. 

Interesting what little things bother us - it's part of figuring out who we're compatible with. The elbow wouldn't bother me, I avoid the popcorn (butter) but talking not cool. Napkin - well tacos ARE messy... maybe he was just being thoughtful by having one handy for you?

I do prefer the dinner/drinks/coffee after sort of first date because I want to talk and get to know the person or an activity that allows talking. A movie doesn't leave much time for that, although you were able to suss out a lot in a short amount of time! 

You do have a very niche lifestyle/interest and I've known people like you (theater/artist/creative crowd) and they do tend to prefer like-minded people.

Yesterday's sports bar was full of Alabama alumni which was a lot of families but it was fun regardless. My co-worker friend went there so it was fun to watch with her and get out.


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## southbound

vi_bride04 said:


> Love this....
> 
> And I am also one of those women. I am enjoying myself and spending time with myself. I don't want to date at all. Doesn't sound appealing. I want someone to enjoy me for me, all of me. When I find that person, then maybe I will date them
> 
> I would much rather do what I want and not worry about pleasing anyone but myself at the moment.


I'm a guy, and I feel the same as you. Wife divorced me after 18 years because she "wasn't happy." I have no current desire to date, and i don't consider that a bad thing. I'm rather enjoying doing what I want when i want and not having to worry about pleasing someone else. 

If I meet someone and we click, I would consider it, but it will have to be pure fate, because my radar is off and I'm not looking. I know one has to give and take and often do things you really don't want to do because you care about the other person, and I'm just not in the mood right now. I am rather content spending time with myself.


----------



## vi_bride04

southbound said:


> I'm a guy, and I feel the same as you. Wife divorced me after 18 years because she "wasn't happy." I have no current desire to date, and i don't consider that a bad thing. I'm rather enjoying doing what I want when i want and not having to worry about pleasing someone else.
> 
> If I meet someone and we click, I would consider it, but it will have to be pure fate, because my radar is off and I'm not looking. I know one has to give and take and often do things you really don't want to do because you care about the other person, and I'm just not in the mood right now. I am rather content spending time with myself.


Radar is off and not looking...best way to describe it...

But i find with this attitude i have i seem to get approached by guys so much more than in times past when i was "looking" (prior to being married) what's up with that? I mean i am pretty sure i put off a good enough "don't approach me vibe...."


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yeah that comment about his wife would have been a red flag to me, too.
> 
> Interesting what little things bother us - it's part of figuring out who we're compatible with. The elbow wouldn't bother me, I avoid the popcorn (butter) but talking not cool. Napkin - well tacos ARE messy... maybe he was just being thoughtful by having one handy for you?
> 
> I do prefer the dinner/drinks/coffee after sort of first date because I want to talk and get to know the person or an activity that allows talking. A movie doesn't leave much time for that, although you were able to suss out a lot in a short amount of time!
> 
> You do have a very niche lifestyle/interest and I've known people like you (theater/artist/creative crowd) and they do tend to prefer like-minded people.
> 
> Yesterday's sports bar was full of Alabama alumni which was a lot of families but it was fun regardless. My co-worker friend went there so it was fun to watch with her and get out.


It was a film festival so there was time for talking in between films...there was a Q & A period and then a time to rate the films as to how you liked them... but he wanted to talk at me about what he liked and what he thought about the films, right after the films were done...during the credits. OK, we're at a film festival, the directors are sitting right in front of us. Shut the f*ck up and let me think about the film inside my head, please. 

I don't think I'll ever bring anyone to a film festival unless I've worked with them on a creative project. I went yesterday and today on my own, which was great. There was one guy who sat next to me yesterday, who directed a very short film, and he chatted at me similarly, but I shhhhhhhhh'd him. Big guy, motorcycle type, he took it in stride. I got to give him credit for directing a film and bringing it to the film festival for feedback. I haven't seen it yet, have to look it up on youtube, I owe him comments.

I might end up dating my brain hemorrhage boyfriend's friend. I know him pretty well and don't have to explain anything. We already have a good relationship going. I don't know. I wish he would take better care of his health, and finances, and his environment. He does make attempts. I hope he'll be successful. He would make a terrific husband...my friends were teasing me about him last summer at camping, they adored him, why don't you marry ****, they said.


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## EnjoliWoman

Ah, not familiar w film festivals, that makes sense.

I notice you say he was talking about his thoughts - he should have also asked what you thought. I notice that sort of thing now since ex was so narcissistic.

Bummer night. Yesterday I did my own thing; BFINW (new term - boyfriend in waiting) was all over that. I never initiated contact; he was surprised I was out at the sports bar. I replied but that was it. Today my own thing - start of holiday shopping with BFF. Not a single word - silence all day. Made me miss him terribly - I refuse to reach out but it feels like someone is standing on my heart - it's crushed. It sux.

What are the issues with health, finances and environment? Is it workable?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Ah, not familiar w film festivals, that makes sense.
> 
> I notice you say he was talking about his thoughts - he should have also asked what you thought. I notice that sort of thing now since ex was so narcissistic.
> 
> Bummer night. Yesterday I did my own thing; BFINW (new term - boyfriend in waiting) was all over that. I never initiated contact; he was surprised I was out at the sports bar. I replied but that was it. Today my own thing - start of holiday shopping with BFF. Not a single word - silence all day. Made me miss him terribly - I refuse to reach out but it feels like someone is standing on my heart - it's crushed. It sux.
> 
> What are the issues with health, finances and environment? Is it workable?


I left a note in a friend's dance shoe box when I was at the studio Saturday night. A Latino friend who likes to go out club dancing. We were partnered together for a Hustle class my former boyfriend (brain hemorrhage) told me to go ahead and take without him (we'd planned to take it together.) He called, so sometime in the future we'll go out clubbing and do bachata, merenge, salsa, etc. A good move on my part.

Health, environment, finances....well he is kind of overweight and I think has some dental issues and doesn't have a doctor, he is deep in debt thanks to his house I suppose, and his house from what he tells me is extremely cluttered and has that black paper siding on it and the floor in one room is torn up for some rehab. I'm not going to say anything about 'if this then that' because he is either going to take care of all these issues on his own, or he isn't. I've known him since last September, more so since March. It appears that he's making some progress in these areas but it's difficult to tell because I haven't known him long enough. 

I know the glassblower was always saying he was going to clean this or that, the furthest he'd get was filling in holes in the dog yard, dusting off his glass, vacuuming, changing the bed sheets, and wiping off the kitchen counter, and I guess he emptied the kitty litter and cleaned the fridge (superficially) once (black mold was still on underside of the door...) Once he cleaned a little table in his kitchen because of using it for dinner. In 4 months I never saw him dust or wash the floors, his house was cluttered. I found it oppressive. I'd clean the countertops and do the dishes if I was baking something but after a while I gave up and stopped doing that...it was cold in the house, I'd delivered newspapers in the wee hours, and I wanted to finish my reading for school so was hanging out in the studio. That was the weekend he freaked, had a temper tantrum that "wasn't about me" in the glass studio, broke glass, and then in the middle of the night decided he wasn't attracted to me, and told me so.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, the proof is in whether or not they do what they say they are going to. 

Still struggling with whateverheis taking us next weekend to daughter's sporting event but he's driving and I've already arranged to have a bunch of preventative car work done that day - he's picking us up at the shop where I'm leaving it. 

I swear car work is the most difficult thing to do when single. Having to rely on someone to shuttle back and forth.


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## angelpixie

I hear you, EW. Going through that as we speak.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yeah, the proof is in whether or not they do what they say they are going to.
> 
> Still struggling with whateverheis taking us next weekend to daughter's sporting event but he's driving and I've already arranged to have a bunch of preventative car work done that day - he's picking us up at the shop where I'm leaving it.
> 
> I swear car work is the most difficult thing to do when single. Having to rely on someone to shuttle back and forth.


I usually leave my car for the day and get a ride downtown from the dealership. I do errands, shop, get my hair done, visit with friends, work, etc.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OMG. The popcorn grabber texts me...
so (name) are you working or working on your next masterpiece if so what?

Me, thinking...first of all, I already told you I had a business meeting on the seacoast today, so yes, I was working and I typically don't write unless it's a school day (T, TH) and WTF Masterpiece, I write essays or exams. Don't be so condescending or trite, no real writer wants to have their work referred to as a masterpiece, you write because you need to write, not because you are working on a 'masterpiece'. Dumb, dumb dumb....

So, me being diplomatic, what I text him is 
I had a work/social meeting this morning in (city) then I picked up my kids and took them to (nice wood-fired pizza place) and now I'm home and I'm working on work stuff not school stuff.

So he texts me back...
Am I bugging you.

So I ignore it because I WAS trying to work, and then I think and reply...
Unnecessary question. I'm working, so yah, I don't text or chat or email when I'm working.

He replies. Wow. (Like I was harsh...) 

Me, thinking. I'm SURE I told him I don't text or chat or email when I'm working, sometimes I don't even answer my house phone (which has no caller i.d.) especially if I know where the kids are and there's no reason anyone needs to be calling me and I'm in the flow of programming/data work...

So I reply to him. Yah, I'm billing clients by the hour to think about their data/research problems. I told you I don't chat or email when working.

He replies...ohhhhhhh whine whine .... translated to: ur such a b*tch.

So I reply....OK, I BARELY know you, I have three kids and two plus jobs and full time school. It's a school night, it's dinner time or nearly so, I've told you that I'm working...and that I don't chat or text when working and I don't even like text. Yes we have an acquaintance in common but that was the weekend, I am here for my kids first and my clients and my school. Get over it.

Him: Harsh, whine. ur a b*tch.

Me, finally....
HINT: Don't tell your date that she reminds you of a woman you used to go out drinking with and if your wife knew she would have killed you. (He is now divorced, wonder why....)

Him:

NO REPLY.

LOL.

I think my anger flow has been very much improved with therapy. In the past I might have wasted an entire 6 month period and had to return an engagement ring and bludgeon my way through a family Christmas with an a**.

Do I get an A, was the elevating b*tchiness justified? I think he just did not get it. Good grief, just because someone introduces you to someone, and her Sweetie was nearly dead, does not mean you are a frickin shoe in. Plus I told him at the end of the butter-grabbing chit chat during film Q&A and credits date that I didn't want to date, that I was more into being acquaintances, meaning, maybe you shouldn't call me. I didn't kiss or hug him and in fact I blatantly stayed outside while he walked away to chat up Mr. Film Director from Dallas. This guy just needs the proverbial plank over the head.

I said to him,. regarding the am I bugging you...just take my number out of your phone and we'll be good.

He's probably going to call mutual woman friend and complain that he's now been traumatized and how could she do this to him. I hope he tells her the part about going out drinking with a woman while he was married, and being stupid enough to tell me I reminded him of her.

I guess I was just feeling strong and attractive because my interview this morning went real well: New potential boss to me: I love your outfit with the jeans. (New jeggings, and I know, they are hot!~) Then we were out walking the city streets because it was so nice out, he'd bought me a latte and he asked if I'd been travelling much, and I said, no, I was saving my travel bug up for Mongolia and guess where he wants to go????? His buddy went without him with buddy's kids, and then invited him just the week before...so he has yet to go... At the end of the interview/meeting I said something about being a genetic freak of nature (me and my kids, abnormal kind of intelligence, obviously NOT in the guy category, LOL), and he said that was okay, the company and he liked that...own kind kind of thing. I dunno, the whole morning of being with my own kind just kind of gave me that extra umph I needed to deal up front with this whiner.

As a Quaker the only way I can justify this is by thinking that I sharpened the guillotine before releasing it. I did let him know exactly what the issue was (texting me while I was working and also letting me know what an a** he was while married.)


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## EnjoliWoman

I think he should have left it alone after you clearly said you don't text while working. He SHOULD have paid attention when you mentioned that on earlier date but sometimes there's a lot to take in so I get it if that part didn't stick.

But then he just got pushy so you had no choice.

(As to car, I never use the dealer - I get a better deal elsewhere due to my boss having his 'fleet' complete with BMW, corvette and jaguar serviced there so I name drop and get much better prices.)


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## PBear

No offense intended; I like your posts. But all I'm getting out of this thread is how all these losers you're meeting fail to follow your rules and fit into your life while its good to know what's important to you and to stick to your boundaries, a relationship is often a collection of compromises and give and take on both sides. If you expect to find someone to mesh perfectly from the first date, you're likely to have a lot of first dates...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think he should have left it alone after you clearly said you don't text while working. He SHOULD have paid attention when you mentioned that on earlier date but sometimes there's a lot to take in so I get it if that part didn't stick.
> 
> But then he just got pushy so you had no choice.
> 
> (As to car, I never use the dealer - I get a better deal elsewhere due to my boss having his 'fleet' complete with BMW, corvette and jaguar serviced there so I name drop and get much better prices.)


My dealer doesn't charge. They have an old guy who likes to drive me around and chat. He lost his wife, struggles with some depression, likes that I lost my buddy/best friend and was at least doing some self care...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

PBear said:


> No offense intended; I like your posts. But all I'm getting out of this thread is how all these losers you're meeting fail to follow your rules and fit into your life while its good to know what's important to you and to stick to your boundaries, a relationship is often a collection of compromises and give and take on both sides. If you expect to find someone to mesh perfectly from the first date, you're likely to have a lot of first dates...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm not sure why, but it seems all I attract are egotistical narcissistic losers. I would like to date, but if it keeps being like this, I've lost my desire. I made A LOT of compromises in my last relationship which was 4 months. I was dedicated to the art of compromise, only when push came to shove it was all about him. He ended it by saying at 1 a.m. he wasn't attracted to me but he liked me and wanted to keep me around, couldn't understand why I got dressed and left at 1 a.m. after he tried to pick a fight by insinuating I was going to get angry at him and get out of bed and break about $3000 worth of champagne glasses he'd made (theoretical retail value, IF they sell....)

I think I did compromise, a lot. He worked at home as an artisan and had a large puppy, so I drove out to his place a lot, stayed in a place that had dust (I'm allergic to dust mites) sedated my dog so she could come with me (I used a homeopathic) and had to drive an extra 20 minutes each way the mornings I delivered newspapers at 1 a.m. or 3 a.m. and came back at 7/7:30 a.m. Had a lot of late dinners because of his work, swapped off bicycling for walking his dog, and listened to Howard Stern. I did compromise. I did ask in return for my preferences to be honored at times. This ended badly, but at least it did end.

I do mental work, very high-end data analytics. When I'm billing a client for my time, or when I'm writing or reading for my school work, I made it very clear that I don't text or internet chat or FB or talk on the phone. I don't even listen to music unless it's to have some static/white noise to drown out if there's a lot of erratic other noises around that are eating away at my cone of concentration. When I work, I am very much on the clock and locked into mathematical models/data structures. I write code and it's flow, I work with multiple tables at a time, etc. I was very careful to explain to him that although I work at home, I do work, and I don't take calls or chat or text when I'm working. I also made it clear that my weeks are dedicated to work and kids and school.


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## EnjoliWoman

Ah geez, well I feel dumb next to that! I can't figure out how to get my daughter's play I filmed off the micro digital cassettes onto my computer. LOLOL

(Although part of that is due to admin rights on my work laptop - gonna try home desk top now...)


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## EnjoliWoman

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My dealer doesn't charge. They have an old guy who likes to drive me around and chat. He lost his wife, struggles with some depression, likes that I lost my buddy/best friend and was at least doing some self care...


I mean the repairs on the car were so much less that it didn't warrant using the dealer.  But sounds like you have a good thing going there!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> I mean the repairs on the car were so much less that it didn't warrant using the dealer.  But sounds like you have a good thing going there!


LOL.

I think if I get my new job I will be busy and also planning for a vacation trip to Mongolia. Should keep my mind off men, unless new boss decides he needs to go too. 

I left a message in a friend's shoe box at the dance studio Saturday night when I went for a dance party... He's someone I can go out club dancing with, no need to put up with the dance studio crowd, we'll stick to Latin and Hustle. I know we get along great and dance well together too. He knew my boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage, he gets that I'm not really over him, dance is dance. The Bachata is fun. I can practice my Spanish, too. This friend is from PR, not the friend from Cuba (who I should chase down, he owes me a night out dancing...)

I think I'll just enjoy my guy friends and forget about dancing.
The movies are really a singular thing for me. I just don't enjoy going to the movies on a date, unless it's with someone who is going to be quiet, not touch me, and have his/her own popcorn.


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## Deejo

So what's up with your attraction radar?

I enjoy your posts as well, but honestly, at times I think I'd love to see you post something like;
"I met a pleasant, successful, accountant who owns a nice condo and likes to dance."

Get the hell away from the man-children.


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## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The movies are really a singular thing for me. I just don't enjoy going to the movies on a date, unless it's with someone who is going to be quiet, not touch me, and have his/her own popcorn.


I could never date you. Lol. A movie date w/o sharing popcorn? Blasphemy!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> I could never date you. Lol. A movie date w/o sharing popcorn? Blasphemy!


I bought him his own popcorn.
He didn't want butter on his...I like butter and lots of salt.
So besides not wanting to do the hand-swap balance popcorn tub during a film festival...worked out fine.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm a sharer, whisperer, elbow nudger. HNU couldn't date me, either JB. But then again movies aren't serious business for me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> So what's up with your attraction radar?
> 
> I enjoy your posts as well, but honestly, at times I think I'd love to see you post something like;
> "I met a pleasant, successful, accountant who owns a nice condo and likes to dance."
> 
> Get the hell away from the man-children.


Actually, I had an interview for a consulting position yesterday and my potential new boss bought me a latte and walked around the city with me, it was unseasonably nice out. He's attractive, thoughtful, employed, fun, and wants to go to Mongolia. It made me wish it were a date instead of a business interview. He even walked me to my car, we cut up an alleyway and hopped over a couple of Jersey barriers...fun. He's going to show me photos of his trip to Alaska. Not real sure if this was supposed to be a social meeting as well as a business meeting. lol.
It helps to get along with the boss, at any rate.

The fallout from the man-child date was weird. The lady who introduced us, was supposed to call me last evening. Instead, she calls me at nearly 8 this morning, I'm driving my kids to school, she knows I have two school age kids and she asks me if it's a good time to talk. I explain that I am dropping my kids to school and going to a class myself. She talks anyway. 

I tell her I'm not interested in her friend. She starts saying that I MISUNDERSTOOD him, that he comes across that way but he meant it as a compliment, and that it was OKAY that he went out drinking because he spent 28 years being emasculated in his relationship with his wife. 

So I said, sorry, I don't want to have a relationship with someone who stays in an emasculating relationship for that long, who can't communicate, and whom I'm not even attracted to. I add that I'm not a therapist and not interested in working around his issues. She goes on to say how nice he is and that she herself dated him for several years....so I'm thinking, well, if he's that great, YOU marry him.

I insist that it's a free country and I'm not interested in this guy, and that's that, I don't really need to offer up any excuses. I'm just not attracted to him, period. She says that I'll end up alone. I'm like, well, in this case, that's the point!

Honestly, this guy is a real drain on emotional and physical resources. Why I would want to be emotionally responsible towards him by being in a relationship with him, is anyone's guess. I'd never get to Mongolia that way. He talked a lot about his boats and stuff that he builds. I pretty much glazed over. I tried not to talk about my work, he asked a lot of questions and I answered and he was like....oh you're so smart. OK, right, I have a certain limited intelligence for a specific thing that I do for work. Leave it alone. It's the way I make money, not something I need to be complimented on. I mean, one good brain injury and it's gone for 2 years, how would you like it then?

I also explained to him that I'd had a brain injury, and that I focus on one thing at a time. This was in preface to not texting or chatting while working.

New potential boss also has streamlined his life and seriously decluttered. He's like me, get rid of stuff that keeps you from thinking out on the edge and moving forward with ideas.

Anyway, I consider my studies a serious relationship. I couldn't be involved with anyone who's going to try to compete with my class time and the writing I need to do for school. 

This guy lives over an hour away. I would never move to be with him, heck I wouldn't even drive to be with him for a date. I'm just not into him. I'm not real sure what this lady acquaintance of mine expected from me. Did she think I was desperate and needed a sure thing? Yuck!!!!! I kind of feel violated. Like maybe she insinuated to him that I was going to deliver to him something more than just a first date to see if we got along. We don't, end of story. There must be some reason why she didn't marry him...she actually told me that, they were going to get married. So I wonder why they didn't? Yikes.


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## Deejo

So ... good news and bad news.

Your prospective boss is interested in you.

If that's the case, you may not get the job, or you might ... and you will have a boss that wants you for more than your keen analytical abilities.

Your interview sounds a hell of a lot more like a date than a job interview. Sounds like there was a good deal of interpersonal exchange ... not in a creepy way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> So what's up with your attraction radar?
> 
> I enjoy your posts as well, but honestly, at times I think I'd love to see you post something like;
> "I met a pleasant, successful, accountant who owns a nice condo and likes to dance."
> 
> Get the hell away from the man-children.


I met a really cute guy who thinks like me. He owns his own business and can sing ballads in Russian and read Medieval French poetry. He likes adventuring and wants to go to Mongolia. He bought me a latte, opened doors for me, took me for a pleasant walk in the sunshine and saw me to my car. He plans to show me his photos from Alaska. He has not read Shades of Gray and has no plans to, but didn't mind talking about it. He doesn't own a car and his life and environment appear to be as uncluttered as my own. 

Today he's off to London and Tokyo, but yesterday he had two whole hours he gave to me unconditionally, no texting or fielding calls or anything. My psyche was undisturbed afterwards, I didn't feel as though I needed to transition or recover or anything like that.

Unfortunately, it was a job interview, although at one point I almost thought we should be holding hands while walking around town. 

I can't afford to be falling for the boss, but it's nice to know I like him a lot. 

He doesn't dance, necessarily, but he was into fencing in past years. He did ask me about my dance hobby. 

So anyway I got proof that there are actually men out there that would appeal to me. 

I have no clue if he's single, I think he's not married but of course he could have a girlfriend. He doesn't have kids. He mentioned a guy trip to Alaska. 

I hope I get a job offer, and yes, it would be fun to hang out with this guy a bit socially. Working for him would make sense, there are two different possible projects, right now. One commercial and one govt research.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> So ... good news and bad news.
> 
> Your prospective boss is interested in you.
> 
> If that's the case, you may not get the job, or you might ... and you will have a boss that wants you for more than your keen analytical abilities.
> 
> Your interview sounds a hell of a lot more like a date than a job interview. Sounds like there was a good deal of interpersonal exchange ... not in a creepy way.


I was approached at a conference and have been to coffee with another principal of the company. The email introduced by him. So yes, there might have been that slant on it, although as it turns out I'm highly qualified for a position. Maybe it's something they thought up to bring me on board but I don't care. I'm okay with my work credentials and intellectual ability, and to be honest, I wore jeggings to the interview/meeting and he complimented me on them as we were walking up the stairs to a meeting room. 

I was just envying a research team I work for at the university who are married. 

I'm not the type to mix business with pleasure. That is, work is work. Play is play. When I'm working/programming I'm not thinking about anything but work. When I'm playing I might get ideas for work, but I'm not really entrenched in it. I tend to send big problems that need to be solved into my subconscious and then go out in the world and distract myself with things I enjoy doing and wait for the problem to be solved in the background...it usually is...just have to wait for it. It's a process of nurturing. 

Anyway, good news, bad news. I'm open minded. I'd hate for my boss to loathe me, or worse, just use me for my intellectual ability. At some point, it's not just about the money, it's about spending my life energy on a job. We did talk about the work's contribution to social progress.


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I prefer activity dates...doing something together and spending time together rather than sit over a meal and interrogate. I'm okay with my past but my past is my past and I think it's inappropriate to grill someone on their past and their income range and the details of their work on the first date. I'd rather talk about what activities we might share in common. So, if someone mountain bikes where have they gone, if they hike, what trails did they do this season, if they kayak, who do we know in common...


I hate being interrogated by anyone. Personally I almost never ask anyone about their past, income, job, etc. I'm just not all that interested and I get annoyed when it's done to me. 

I'm a "doer" and love talking about things to do and then doing them. My friends call me "hyper-energenic". 



> And I am also one of those women. I am enjoying myself and spending time with myself. I don't want to date at all. Doesn't sound appealing. I want someone to enjoy me for me, all of me. When I find that person, then maybe I will date them


That's where I'm at. I don't get my friends who come out of horrible marriages and then feel the need to shop around for another. No thanks.

My greatest fear is being tied down. I want to be free to make my own decisions and do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to anyone. It's why I love to be on my own. It's downright awesome!

I have a lot of plans for the future and it involves me, myself and I. If I met someone fun who wants to go have some fun with me then I'd be into it but that hasn't happened so I don't sweat it. Fortunately I enjoy my own company. 

I think not caring about dating is a good thing. Don't sweat it, enjoy it. :smthumbup:


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## vi_bride04

Freak On a Leash said:


> I have a lot of plans for the future and it involves me, myself and I. If I met someone fun who wants to go have some fun with me then I'd be into it but that hasn't happened so I don't sweat it. Fortunately I enjoy my own company.
> 
> I think not caring about dating is a good thing. Don't sweat it, enjoy it. :smthumbup:


:smthumbup:

I am right there with ya!


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I insist that it's a free country and I'm not interested in this guy, and that's that, I don't really need to offer up any excuses. I'm just not attracted to him, period. She says that I'll end up alone. I'm like, well, in this case, that's the point!.


Better to be alone than to be with someone you don't like. I don't get the mentality that you should put up with someone rather than be alone. :scratchhead: 

I probably would've been annoyed at this guy too. I don't text or take personal calls at work either because I'm WORKING. Only calls I take or make is with customers. I tell people to email me instead, then I can reply at my leisure, when I'm back home and relaxing and have time to think. I'm not a phone talker in any case. In fact, I hate talking on the phone. 

You sound like a person who knows what she wants and doesn't suffer fools easily. I'm the same way, which is probably why I prefer my own company to that of others.


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## EnjoliWoman

Funny you started this thread and then ran into someone so well matched. I guess it just goes to show that no trying really works!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I guess. I mean, having found someone doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I start the Federal work-study job tomorrow. I'll be shadowing my mentor who is the PhD partner of the guy I've been seeing, the owner who I interviewed with for commercial work. The company has a grant for Federal work, and he's not supervising me on this, the PhD guy is, and someone else is signing my time sheets. 

We've been out on three dates plus the interview plus emails...honestly he is swamped, may or may not get personal time this week. Then he plans to go overseas on vacation and disclaimed his availability but said it doesn't diminish his affection for me. 

My worry is that I'll stupidly get lonely over the holidays or when he's gone and be tempted to waffle and date someone. However, I kind of know that's not true, because there are plenty of guys around I'm friends with or could date who would love to be in a marriage-minded relationship with me, but I just don't feel it, and even in the absence of anyone else, not interested. 

I think I'm going to be really busy with my work-study job while he's busy with business issues and then vacationing. Plus I have my Quaker Meeting and I will probably just ask for a clarity committee on this. I have a feeling that he's had a sort of destructive, wild side due to bad relationship in past, and has pretended not to care and it is going to take some time for him to admit that he cares. 

If I waffle, everyone goes down. I can see why the PhD guy recruited me, not just for my skills and experience, but my demeanor. I am anything but self-destructive. I just can't bring myself to it, in any way shape or manner. I think I do have times when I let myself hang loose, but I have friends that I do that with, the dancing and the movies and now fencing and snowboarding... 

I think having my mentor around during my long school break will be good. He's older...also my Cuban friend lives up that way so I can get together with him, he's very spiritual. 

Besides my a clarity committee, I'm going to see a Shaman on Friday. Don't give me any cr*p for that, it's a good road trip for a good reason. If I am making a big change in my life taking on this line of work with these new people that did come into my life when I was on a 'true path' I need to take 100% of my past with me, the Shaman will pack it all up and make sure it's all connected and comes with me. That's what they do. 

Anyway, all I can do is take care of myself and be true to myself minute by minute. In all honesty, he plans to go to Crete and go hiking with friends to 'regain sanity' so it sounds reasonable to me. He did tell me about long periods of not being sober while 'on break' that sound scary, but I think it was hinting at past issues, not bragging. I mean, who am I to throw stones, since I had to admit to totally losing it over my oxygen deprivation brain injury and then the stress and dust mite situations of when my guy had the brain hemorrhage...and I'm going to be working in the same hospital using the same entrance that I used every day for 6 weeks during the spring! It's just a good time to see the Shaman. 

I'll see this guy tomorrow but he is in big boss mode and I've made sure I'm in work-study mode and shadowing mentor, who does have some inkling of our relationship but who knows how much, I've sort of explained the dynamics but not elaborated on anything to leave it that it could be interpreted as getting along well or 'getting along well'...I described another situation to the same guy about hitting it off with the programming team...talking about team dynamics in research work is kind of a given, especially for the sort of work we're doing.

Still, everyone wish me clarity, okay? I'm glad my antihistamine is also a good neuro drug...no matter what crazy stuff happens on any given day, I can always easily connect all my neurons and tuck myself into bed. 

I feel vulnerable because of the holidays, but am planning to hang out with some friends during those times, friends that I can tell my vulnerabilities to, there are some tango dance parties and so forth as well. But I really want to be told that everything will be all right.

I dislike holidays because it makes me realize the reality of what happened to my original family...it is so close (to where I live right now) and so far away...it's like I can touch it, the memories seem vivid right now and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I am working on a suicide project. Ghosts haunting and all. 

I'm not the only one who's lost someone to suicide (my dad) both mentor and boss have had experiences rather traumatic with friends. It's just strange the way we're all tied together. Meeting the mentor and then the boss, and being connected too through the work I was doing at another university. 

I have no idea what to do with my kids over the holiday. We'll probably go skiing and to the movies, and I'll teach my daughter to knit and we'll do some art and organize our camping stuff for the summer....day by day, hour by hour I suppose. If I feel lost I can always work on some of my writing or get ahead in reading for the next semester...


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