# I can't believe I am here



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Well the title isn't all true. In fact I know I could have been here many years ago. My marriage was in trouble so many years ago but it was never fixed. Over the years it was just easier to ignore things because of work, kids and the daily distractions but still I knew things were bad even as long at 13 years ago. We will be married 18 years next month, together for 20.

Forward to around 6 or 7 years ago and we finally went to marriage counseling. Things improved some but we were there again after less than two years. Each time I came to her to express my concerns and each time she agreed that we were in trouble. This time though there's no counseling or reconciliation of any kind. talked a few months ago and decided divorce was best but still I held on a little longer. Today though we talked again and even before I approached her I knew it was over. The fact of the matter is she says she does not have it in her to work on us any longer.

I believe she has tried but or issues go so far back there's just so much bad history that it's hard to remember a time when things were good. I love her and it hurts but I also know in my heart this is the right thing for both of us. I am tired of being sad and know that I will be alright. We even told our kids, ages 15, 14, 13 and 11. That was the hardest talk I've ever had and surprisingly a couple of them took it quite well. I think that's because the wife and I don't have any animosity or bad will toward each other. We told the kids that we love them very much and the only thing that will change as that mom and dad won't be married and that dad will be living somewhere else close enough so that they can see me anytime they want to. 

My marriage went bad long ago because of control issues I had. My wife shut down long ago because of this and though I don't have these issues anymore, even went as far as to get personal counseling, the damage had been done. She says she doesn't think she can ever recover or trust me in that way. She says she can't feel vulnerable around me. I know without that their can't be love so here I am. 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this it just helps to put it out there.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry you're here. Are you still in counseling? Have you read about the 180? You're definitely going to want to take some time to focus on yourself and becoming a stronger, wiser man and father, so that you can ease the kids and yourself through this transition as best you can.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

northernlights said:


> I'm sorry you're here. Are you still in counseling? Have you read about the 180? You're definitely going to want to take some time to focus on yourself and becoming a stronger, wiser man and father, so that you can ease the kids and yourself through this transition as best you can.


We were in counseling some years ago but not in a long time. I've never heard about the 180 is that a book? 

I have friends and family that I know I can pull close to too and I will. The hardest thing for me is the thought of not being in the same house as my kids and going home to an empty place that I will live in. In a way I am angry that she's not able to work more at this marriage but then again it's been a really long road and we tried. It's just time for it to be over but man what a thing to face.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> We were in counseling some years ago but not in a long time. I've never heard about the 180 is that a book?
> 
> I have friends and family that I know I can pull close to too and I will. The hardest thing for me is the thought of not being in the same house as my kids and going home to an empty place that I will live in. In a way I am angry that she's not able to work more at this marriage but then again it's been a really long road and we tried. It's just time for it to be over but man what a thing to face.


Have you had individual counseling?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Have you had individual counseling?


I attended individual counseling a few years ago and it was great. I had issues with anxiety and just general anger but it consumed me. After a while it dissolved and it seems almost like a miracle that I don't suffer from those things anymore. Those issues I know had an impact on my marriage too. I have an appointment set up in a couple weeks to talk to a counselor as I am a real believer in the benefits of that. 

Last night we talked about the divorce and the financial impact of it. I have records of or finances up to date and am going to talk to my attorney tomorrow. She has one too but we both agreed that if we can come to an agreement it would be better for many reasons. Still I am going to be sure I am treated fairly. 

We also agreed that I would stay in the house during the divorce. Michigan requires six months after filing before it can be over when you have kids in the marriage. As of right now neither of us are in a huge rush to make that happen sooner but who knows how it will go as this progresses. As of now we are at peace but I am aware that things can get ugly really quick I just hope they don't. If they do I will leave much sooner than that. My attorney told me not to leave the house until we have reached an agreement on things concerning the kids and financial support. 

This was probably a mistake but we also talked about the time while I will be in the house and how things could change for us. What if over time we grow closer together and think there's a chance after all. She said she thinks about that, is nervous, anxious and wonders sometimes if it's a mistake but also she said she really believes divorce is the right thing to do. I guess we differ somewhat on that but I made a promise to myself that I would not bring up working on us again. I told her that I would not ever try to get her to stay with me or do any groveling. Really I know it's over and this could have happened years ago so in a way it's just long overdue but there's always that hope. Still I will keep moving forward with this and my focus will be on my kids and myself. Those are the things that I have to put my energy into.


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