# Dating while Separated?



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I need some advice from the good folks on here that may have some experience with this. What are your opinions on dating during a separation. I would like an opinion on both, dating other people and going out on a date with your separated spouse (is this a bad idea?). Is the condition of dating agreed upon before you do a separation? I am just curious; I don't have opinion either way so I would welcome some free advice. BTW, this topic has more than likely been posted on here before but I just can't find it. Please feel free to chime in with your opinion 'cause I sure as h*ll don't know what lays ahead for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The ony way I ever see it works is if you and your spouse have openly discussed it's acceptable to date other people during the time of separation.

My personal opinion: don't do it. It creates a lot of problems, a lot of drama, confusion, and while going through a separation it's bad news. During a separation, you are not your normal self. Your head is still dealing with the fall out of one of the most improtant relationships in your life. That is major. 

As far as going w/ the separated spouse--have at it. You're still married.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm going to disagree with JB on this one...

Dating a spouse you've separated from... Why? Unless you're hoping to reconcile, the only thing I see coming out of this is bad things. People getting the wrong idea about where the relationship is heading, confusion, etc. After all, you're separated for a reason. But, if you're trying to reconcile, it makes a lot of sense.

Dating other people... Well, it would be nice to talk about it, but that's not the path I took. I left to live my life now, not to continue to answer to her and feel guilty about anything. I started casually dating someone about a month after separating... We are both in similar situations in terms of exiting relationships, and were looking for someone to hang out with. 

I do know that this has lowered any chance there was that I will want to reconcile with my spouse, but when I left, I had no intention of getting back together with her anyway. I had this exact conversation with a friend of mine this morning; she's one of the few people I confided to with regards to how I was feeling in my marriage in the past few years. And she commented on how miserable I was in that time, and how now I've got my smile back, the sparkle in my eye, etc. Totally different person. Part of that is getting out of a bad marriage, and part of it is the way my partner/lover/whatever makes me feel.

Having said all that... We're both trying to be realistic about our situations. We know that we're both in rebound relationships, after long marriages. The odds of us making this succeed is probably not that good, so we're just trying to enjoy the minute. So far, so good!  We're very much in the honeymoon phase, though.

Oh, and I do suspect that if my wife found out I was seeing someone, our separation would turn from amicable to something considerably less than friendly. So I'm telling very few people, and trying to keep things as quiet as possible. But if the kaka hits the fan, I'll deal with it.

C


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, now I am more confused. Sort of. I thought the reason for separation was to see if there a chance to reconcile, otherwise, why do it, why not just divorce straight away? I am so new to this (or I am naive about trust and love) that I don't see the difference between separation and divorce if the intent of one party is never to go back. It seems like a waste of valuable time to me especially at my age of 50; "in Limbo" as others have posted. I will wait for others to chime in but I am seeing that your recommendations for not dating others has a good point - I might like to take a lot of time for myself. I've always been interested in backpacking but my W has never been the outdoor type so I have never embarked on a backpacking back country expedition. My grown up children might like to join me. Anyway, I am getting off task here. Any more advice about dating.

Thank you JellyBeans and PBear


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Who wants the separation? You or him?

It may help you to know that Pbear and I have some similarities in our stories and not in others: the main difference is he was done with his marriage upon separating from his wife and wanted to end the marriage whereas my separation was very traumatic. I am the one who moved out but I was not ready to end my marriage. I still wanted to reconcile and try every last thing before throwing in the towel. 

That could be why our viewpoints are so diff on the subject.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BL, well, up here, you can't go from being married to being divorced without a 1 year separation (unless there's abuse or other extreme circumstances). So even though (as JB mentions) my marriage was effectively over to me before I left, a divorce wasn't an option. And as she says, that's very likely a big reason why our opinions differ. 

I didn't expect to start dating as quickly after my separation, even though I guess I was looking for something. And part of me is concerned that the emotions in the relationship that's developing is strictly the "rebound" effect... Having someone that really seems to care about you, who's concerned about you, who wants so badly to make you happy. And because both of us came from similar relationships where our intimacy needs weren't being anywhere close to being met, there's a lot of self-esteem rebuilding going on as well. And by intimacy, I don't mean just sex, but also that close connection with another person, physically and emotionally. But I figured I'd spend quite a bit more time re-discovering myself after separating, and I'm really not doing that right now... Haven't figured out yet if that bothers me... 

Good luck!

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL Pbear, you have to let me know how that goes.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I should have said that I am the H. My wife has not agreed to a separation nor have we talked about it rationally yet. She dropped the D word on me last Wednesday. She says I am no fun to be with. Yeah, after 36 years and 3 great and loving kids. I think she is just tired of the grind of daily life. I posted this on another thread already, I don't drink (well, a beer every two months maybe), I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I don't mess around with other woman, so those are not factors - or are they? Hey, wait a moment, is that why she says I'm boring? LOL. JK. No really, I have been a decent husband and a good father and I still love her. She was my first and only love, we met when we were 14. My oldest son (smart kid) is suggesting a separation, I don't know, I am OK with it but still on the fence, my stbx, has not been approached yet but will be soon about trying separation; I doubt she will go for that but who knows. The reason I posted this on here is because I am trying to get a sense of the term "separation" and all the challanges that go with it vs. divorce. Eh, I'm just tired. We battled cancer last year (her cancer) and it took 13 months from illness to diagnoses to treatment; I was with her every moment of it, a multitude of doctors and painful tests and I was drained. All the sadness I had from that event has left me with no more tears left. Yes, I've had my eyes water up because of the divorce request but I can't seem to just let it all out. I am spent; I am ready for some peace in my life - I am grieving two years in a row now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It clearly depends on the situation. How long is the separation going to last? Mine has gone on for more than three years. And to be honest, a decent person doesn't seem to want to date a married person.....no matter what the circumstances are. If you are going to date, make sure your marriage is really over first. At least wait six months and see where you are emotionally.

Heck, my husband was dating before we separated. That's the problem. That issue wasn't up for discussion apparently. And it is now biting him in the butt on divorce proceedings. If you are going to date before divorce, check with an attorney in your state for legal advice.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks 827... helpful advice. As I posted before, I might need a lot of me time before I even think about possibly dating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BL, I think it's a great idea to take your me time! No sense in rushing into anything. As I said, I was expecting to do that, but sometimes life takes funny turns... 

827's comment on checking with a lawyer is a good one... Up here, things don't change even if there's infidelity that can be proven. But like I mentioend, I do think that things in my case could take a turn for the worse if my stbx-wife finds out I'm seeing someone else, even if it's just casual. Something about a woman scorned and all that...  So even if there's nothing legal she can do about it, there's a lot of legal ways for her to make my life miserable. Like forcing major legal battles on every issue, just because...

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ PB, I have no doubt the divorce would be a lot nastier if your wife caught wind that you'r seeing someone and esp so soon after your separation. If the new chick was around so soon after you left her/checked out, she will prob spend the rest of her life thinking that was the nail in the coffin to your relationship with her. Bet on it.



827Aug said:


> It clearly depends on the situation. How long is the separation going to last? Mine has gone on for more than three years. And to be honest, a decent person doesn't seem to want to date a married person.....no matter what the circumstances are. .


Wow, Aug!!! Have either of you even filed yet???


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Wow, Aug!!! Have either of you even filed yet???


The great soap opera divorce has been going on for two years now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. I am just 4 divorced now and we got this paperwork that said "sign this and you wont have to come to court". Well I signed it and then an email "the judge wants to see you in court" before signing your divorce. I told my sis "This is the divorce that won't die!" But...it did.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JB, I think you're right. But when is the acceptable time, if she was to hear through the grapevine? After all, it's now been almost 3 months. 

827, were you saying that you can't find someone decent to date just because you're separated but not married? Or are you saying that decent people wouldn't get into a situation like that? Just curious. I went through a number of POF profiles, and there was a pretty good mix of separated/divorced/single profiles. I doubt that all those separated people were not decent people. But I can sure understand someone who's looking for a more permanent relationship avoiding a separated person, especially someone who's recently separated. No matter how good things are going in the separation, there's a strong likelyhood of baggage to deal with. I'm thinking a year is the minimum amount of time before anything serious should be thought about.

Part of my issue is that many of my friends are married couples. And because of my separated status, hanging out with them and doing couple's things just isn't as much of an option. So I needed to expand my social horizons, and I figured I might as well do it with someone who smells nice and looks good in LuLuLemon yoga pants, you know? 

C


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

PBear said:


> 827, were you saying that you can't find someone decent to date just because you're separated but not married? Or are you saying that decent people wouldn't get into a situation like that? Just curious. I went through a number of POF profiles, and there was a pretty good mix of separated/divorced/single profiles. I doubt that all those separated people were not decent people. But I can sure understand someone who's looking for a more permanent relationship avoiding a separated person, especially someone who's recently separated. No matter how good things are going in the separation, there's a strong likelyhood of baggage to deal with. I'm thinking a year is the minimum amount of time before anything serious should be thought about.


I'll try to explain without hurting any feelings. This is from my prospective only--It may even be more of a southern thing. I've had several very eligible men (middle class/ upper middle class) tell me it's a shame I'm still married. They would have been interested if I were divorced. The low class dead beats never seem to see that as an obstacle. 

Here's a prime example that happened last week. Late last fall one of my brothers befriended a man through a business encounter. My brother saw that his new friend and I had a lot in common--and the guy was divorced. My brother wanted us to casually meet last week. My brother didn't think anything about setting me up with him because I have been separated so long. Well, the guy wasn't happy when he learned that my divorce wasn't yet final. He basically told my brother he liked my personality and I was really fine to look at, but he did not date married women.

So, what I'm saying is this.....If you are only separated, you really don't have all of the fish in your pond. Perhaps with a divorce, a person has a full pond in which to fish.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

827, you won't hurt my feelings!  And I understand what you're saying, and would agree with it. Some people would filter you out if you're separated rather than divorced. But some people will filter out people who smoke or drink or are redheads or overweight or whatever... I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

C


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK guys, it doesn't appear that she is interested in a separation. She wants to sell the house ASAP and get some space between us. When we talked today about our finances, I did not get the feeling she has separation in mind. I don't know where this is going but it looks like divorce. I will keep you all posted. Man, I don't how not to be married. I have a huge mountain in front of me but I am a pretty practical guy with a lot of Integrity so I really hope that my W finds whatever it is she has been looking for for 36 years. Yes, I still love her so much so that I will not keep her from being what she calls happy. Her news this weekend by the way has devestated our close knit family and extended family, everybody is hurt and angry, except for me, I don't know what I really feeling right now. Shock I guess.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hang in there! I know how tough it is. At the stage you are at now, it's hard to even think.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

So true. I'm on a daily roller coaster ride. Even the thought of selling the house is making me sick. I pay less monthly for a 3000 SQ FT house than i would for an apt nowadays. I feel like staying here while she finds her place but i dont know if i can handle the constant reminder of our past. Financially it doesnt make sense but emotionally it has to be sold. Terrible!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

brighterlight said:


> Financially it doesnt make sense but emotionally it has to be sold. Terrible!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be so quick to sell the house in this market. Once she gets all of her belongings out, you may be surprised how you feel. I'm still in my house, and I'm no longer reminded of the estranged husband.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I will consider that. Its just that we raised our 3 children there. Been there almost 15 years. Lots of memories; good and bad. Maybe i could try staying in it for a while. Make changes inside and see how that goes. I would have to buy her half out though. Dont know where i would get the money. I dunno; we have debt to pay off too so the plan is to use the equity. I really hate this. She is im a hurry to go our separate ways and my kids; who are all married are stunned and confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BL, are you sure she's not already dating, given her hurry to leave? Not sure if that matters or not to you, but it seems suspicious.

Also, is it an option to sell the house, use some of the equity to pay off the debts, and then use your share of what's left to put a downpayment on another house? If the market is depressed anyway (which it seems it might be, given your description), then maybe buying vs. renting would make sense. And then you'd still be in a house, but a different one without the memories.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> JB, I think you're right. But when is the acceptable time, if she was to hear through the grapevine? After all, it's now been almost 3 months.


Pbear, if she hears it through the Grapevine, it will be even worse, I fear. And again, as long as you were involved with someone else around the time you separated, I think she will always blame the person ou're now dating on why the marriage ended. She will wonder if that is why you left. Where did you meet the lady you're dating?

I don't know when the righ time to tell her to be is since youre already dating and can't change that... is she the one you cheated on wife with or not? I can't remember. 



PBear said:


> 827, were you saying that you can't find someone decent to date just because you're separated but not married? Or are you saying that decent people wouldn't get into a situation like that? Just curious. I went through a number of POF profiles, and there was a pretty good mix of separated/divorced/single profiles.


I have a friend who used to say that to me too--no decent person who respects relationships would get involved with someone who isn't fully available (divorced/single). 

My ex-H used to use the POF site for his sex ads...lied and said he was "living with someone" when in fact he was married. Eh. POF is always one of my triggers re: his infidelity.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JB, well, I've almost slipped a few times and said something when talking to my stbx-wife about what so-and-so did yesterday... That would not be a good scene, I'm afraid. I think that if I thought there was a future in the relationship, I'd be more willing to open up on it. But I'm keeping it quiet from virtually everyone, to be honest. We both are; no intersecting of each other's lives at this point. I haven't met her friends and family, she hasn't met mine. I met my partner on a dating website. And I wasn't seeing anyone at the time I left.

C


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

PBear, sorry it took so long to respond. As far as the thing about dating or seeing someone else already, my close friend had suggested that that is what it seemed she was acting like, but I don't think so. She has been balling her eyes out, and not getting out of bed for several times a day, ever since saying the D word and especially after telling the kids and seeing them get really pis%$ed. I would think that she would be more stern and not look so unhappy and depressed. I think she is so resentful of me that she wants to move on ASAP. At least that is what I feel. I dunno. It would absolutely make me livid if it was the case that she was seeing someone (she had an EA/PA with a co-worker about 10 years ago) but I just don't get that feeling that she is, she is too distraught, but then very standoffish, on and off. I so confused, I am the point now where I just want my life to go on, I am not getting any younger.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Waywards do this. Loudly proclaim they want out and then start acting weird once they realize all it entails. Not surprising (her behavior). You gotta treat it like it's already over if you have any chance for reconciliation.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, JB, I think it went way worse than she expected. I am, as they say, in Limbo land right now and suspect I will be for quite a while.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

BTW, PBear, I think an option to sell the house and pay off debt, then buy another house is the direction I am heading towards; it just makes financial sense. Honestly though, I am so tired of grieving that I don't even want to think about having to maintain a house (yard, exterior, etc.) I am not lazy, I just want some me time before being back to house responsibilities. I don't know, I will play it by ear.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BL, no worries on the delay! You've got plenty of other stuff on your plate!

Have you looked into a condo type unit? Around here, townhouse type units are popular... You get the mostly hassle free living of an apartment (someone else takes care of the outside, but you pay for it in your fees) and you still own it. But take your time, and see what you feel like doing.

Good luck, no matter what! And it's not lazy! It's a question of what your priorities are! 

C


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Actually Condo might be a great idea. I considered it but around here the monthly maintenance fees are ridiculous but maybe i can wing it. It wouldbe ideal actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

call me old school, but in my books we are still married and we still have obligations to each other. It is too bad that she does not share the same sentiments with me. 

I am torn on this subject, the first thing i said to myself is that i am going to find someone immediately, but ultimately, it would not be fair for the woman i would be dating... lets face it guys, we all have a 200lb gorilla on our backs right now. 

I like to think of myself as a man of honor and principle, and i think i am going to tough it out for the year, and get an official divorce before i get romantically involved with someone. 

I highly doubt my wife shares the same principles as I do, and i dread the day that i will see her with another man.

Here is a little quote that I love, and thought that I would share it with everyone. When I get into my bad moods this usually helps lift me up. 

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree 100% with u Anthony. I have no intention to date until the divorce is final. I need a lot of me time. And quite frankly, i am beat. Spent the entire year last year by her side as she was battling cancer. Great news is she beat it. Bad news is she dumped me after 36 years of devotion. I feel used. But then again, my heart is still with her and o am trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

Love the quote, Anthony. Thank you for sharing it with us.


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## WalkDontRun (Sep 2, 2011)

I was married to my high school sweeheart for 20 yrs during my divorce I was asked out many times, small town. I was socked really.No! you are still married and a vow is a vow until it is done and divorced. People need time to heal jumping from the frying pan to fire is a bad idea.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

At first, I was like, Hell yes, I should be able to date. She's had a boyfriend for months. Now, I am becoming comfortable just being alone and doing things I enjoy. I believe you should wait to date until the divorce is final, now. We need that time to heal and get to know ourselves again. There will be plenty of time for dating later. Legally, we are still married. Besides the benefit of healing first, it may be best legally to take the higher road and wait until the divorce is final.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I agree also hurting I would wait until we have healed. I know that is kind of the last thing on my mind right now. I still love my wife right now and that sucks I wish it was a switch you could just turn off but its not. And she has been dating someone for I dont know how long this has been going on actually but hey she will have to face the music one day.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> I still love my wife right now and that sucks I wish it was a switch you could just turn off but its not.


I hear you.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, this was an old post but let me update. I took many of your advices and did not date. I was fortunate no one came along that I was attracted to while I was not wearing my wedding ring, else I would have probably done something with that person because I really was feeling down, lonely and longing for a woman. So I can also understand PBears thoughts on this. But I guess the good Lord had a different plan. My W and I are seriously working on a reconcilation. We have been GREAT for the past three weeks. I know that if someone else would have come along the reconciliation would have never happened. So fate has it that I did hold off on new relationships and just worked on improving myslef as a person. I guess my advice at this point would definitely be to wait for a final legal divorce.

Easier said than done for a lot of us but at least I know now that you can put the final nail on the divorce coffin if you date while separated. I thought for sure we were done, for sure well done, but by remaining available, we were able to at least start to find our way back to each other. Is it fate, or is it just random chance, I don't have an answer?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> OK, I need some advice from the good folks on here that may have some experience with this. What are your opinions on dating during a separation. I would like an opinion on both, dating other people and going out on a date with your separated spouse (is this a bad idea?). Is the condition of dating agreed upon before you do a separation? I am just curious; I don't have opinion either way so I would welcome some free advice. BTW, this topic has more than likely been posted on here before but I just can't find it. Please feel free to chime in with your opinion 'cause I sure as h*ll don't know what lays ahead for me.



I don't think it's a good idea to date during a separation as it should be a time to start the healing process that hallmarks the end of a marriage if that is what it truly is. Also it's not fair to the person that you might be dating as you aren't healed and really aren't any position to be involving someone else in your life yet. 

*Both* parties should be on the same page and be in agreement and clear on what the separation is for, is it a step toward divorce or is it a alternate way to work on reconciliation.


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