# Newly married and pulling my hair out. lol



## parklady (Dec 29, 2012)

I am 30 and lived with my husband for almost a year before we were married. We have been together over 2 years. This is both of our first marriage. We don't have children but we do have 4 dogs! Since we have been together, he has been super supportive of my career, did chores around the house without being asked, etc. He is one of those people who won't do a complete task but certain sections of it. Like he will wash the dishes but not the pans? He will sweep but won't mop. Stuff like that BUT we had a system worked out. I wasn't complaining. The past couple of months, the switch has flipped. He leaves his undies on the floor next to the hamper, doesn't help with laundry, leaves food out on the counter to spoil (if I don't catch it and put it away), and won't help with the animals when two of them are his. Won't take the trash out or take the recycling to town when he is headed that way and all of this stuff is when asked. And I don't expect it done right then but at least the same day. Two days later, I say something. But like I stated, this hasn't been a problem before and was typically taken care of without being asked. I would hate to think someone could keep up a rouse for over 2 years. He is bucking for some reason. I have asked him if something was wrong. I asked him if he was resenting me for some reason. I told him why I think this way. Did he think I wasn't doing enough around the house? He said he hadn't noticed. I have been pretty calm and cool headed about most of it..then the bomb went off early this morning. For the past three days, I have been taking benedryl and going to bed early (around 7:30-8). The weather has been wonky and I've felt like my head was going to fall off my shoulders. It isn't a restful sleep. I get home first in the evenings so I let the dogs out, feed them, and play if we have time. I let them out in the morning as well and many times at lunch. One of us ALWAYS lets them out before we go to bed. For the past three nights the two younger dogs have been waking up about 3 AM. The first 2 nights I got up and let them out thinking they probably weren't getting enough exercise with the ice and snow. They are just restless. Last night, it happened again I waited to see if he would get up. Nothing. So, I let them out for about an hour. When he got up, my attitude wasn't so great because it dawned on me he might not be letting them outside before bed. I asked him and he told me HE FORGOT! Three nights in a row. The poor babies hadn't been outside since 5:30-6 in the evening!! So they were being fed and watered and not able to evacuate their bowls because somebody didn't think to let them out. I blew up and throwed down the law. I do the majority of the chores, shopping, laundry, work a 40 plus hour job, and everything else inbetween and that the few things I ask him to do aren't that difficult! I also told him that the last 2 years have been a misrepresentation of himself. He started with the sorries. I told him I didn't want to hear it. I have been talking to him about this for over a month and it was sad that his sick wife had to get out of bed at 3AM and take care of it and that I had to blow up like that. I calmed down, told him that I loved him and if there is something goin on, he needed to get it off his chest. I told him I was not his mother nor his maid. I married him because I wanted a partner/helper and though his previous actions thought he would be one. Before anybody gets their back up, I am not leaving. I am not a quitter but I am not running myself ragged either. He is a grown man. He started to get upset and said he would do better. I am beginning to wonder though if he might be depressed? We have had a lot of changes lately. New house, getting his stuff moved in, trying to fix his other house for renters, etc. This whole chore thing is right up there with the money fighting but any advice will be helpful.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Bait and switch.

Do not have kids it will only get worse. My husband is like yours at first he did this stuff and well now, nope. The more I do the more he won't do and it won't change. You just going to have to make up your mind whether you are willing to live with this. Most men expect household duties to be taken care of by the wife they don't care how many hours you work, it's just how they see it.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

It sounds like you did the right thing.

Just because you have a fight about doesn't mean it was wrong.

Just be firm in maintaining your expectations and communicating them.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Good advice being given, imo. Hold your ground and keep communicating. Please don't do like many of us have done and let it go because it's easier than getting to the bottom of it. If he is depressed, you can see the signs in his behavior. I hope that he actually talks with you and not just "yes", "ok", "sorry", etc. 

Did he do chores growing up - do you know? If he saw his mom doing the bulk of the household chores while dad watched t.v., that could be what he learned.


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## parklady (Dec 29, 2012)

He went to live with his dad at 15. His parents divorced when he was 3. His mom was in abusive relationships and likes to drink so as soon as he and his sister were able, they left and went to live with their dad. Living with his dad, he was made to do chores and work. His dad is very respectful of women and he works along side his now wife. She and I are a lot alike, there really is not a gender line when it comes to work. You get in there and do what needs to be done. Like I stated earlier, he has always been very helpful around the house. It has been kind of a shocker. 

I don't feel guilty for the fight, just because this is new territory. I am not sure how to handle it or if I handled it the best way. Thanks for the advice ladies. I will keep chugging along and stand my ground.


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

My friend said this really well when we were talking about how well her husband helps with their young son. She told me, "He married me and he knows what I expect and what keeps me happy, so I won't let him get away with not meeting these expectations." 
If more women were like her more wives would have less to complain about.
I agree you shouldn't have kids unless this is figured out. It just makes everything more difficult. He may be depressed, or he may be busy lately and think you can handle it, only he would really know. If he doesn't seem to want to go out, doesn't have his usual sex drive, is unusually snappy, sits around more than usual, or just really seems off he may be depressed. 
It may be a seasonal depression, a lot of people are more depressed or more prone to depression in the winter. My husband is bipolar, wont take medication, and is ALWAYS really depressed December-March. If it sounds like it could be depression try having him take a vitamin D supplement and replace the light bulbs in the room he's in most often with plant lights. They give off UVB rays, which helps tremendously.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Nagging is an ugly way to feel. You didn't sign up to be a nag. I'm glad you said something to him and I'm glad he wasn't on the defensive like there's something wrong with you. Maybe it's depression, like other posters said, but is that still a reason to leave food out on a counter to spoil? If he gets up every day and goes to work and can fulfill those responsibilities, surely he can put some food away. 

It's not any one particular thing I'd be worried about, but that it's just disrespectful in general to turn a wife into the mama of a 5 year old. It's just plain disrespectful to not pull your own weight. I'd talk about it with him, express your concern, how it makes you feel, and what you expect, which is nothing more than what he's done for the first 2 years.

Over time, who does what around the house changes. When my husband and I were first married and worked the same hours, we shared the chores. Then when we bought a house and there were lots of fixer-upper things to do around the house, he took care of those things and I took care of the traditional women's things like cooking, cleaning, food shopping. It's still that way, but I think it is fair. 

I think the important thing is that it is fair and if your husband doesn't see the unfairness of it, you need to get it worked out before you make more serious commitments like a house and kids because resentment is not good at all in a marriage.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

You listed a lot of questions you asked him but did not seem to give us any of his responses. Do you listen to his responses? Do you talk in one long paragraph or do you pause to listen ever? 

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I see some red flags here.


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