# Husband "demands" access to text messages



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Ok so I am a tech freak, I love my technology. I have an iMac,MacBook,iPhone 6 plus,and an iPad. I had them all connected a couple of years ago but when I started leaving my iPad at home so my husband could play his game he started reading my text messages. So yesterday I asked him if I could have my privacy back. He said " no" and told me I'd lied to him too many times and that I ruined our relationship. I argued that I wanted to change it. He said, " if you change it then go find a relationship somewhere else." I broke down and said " when can I have my privacy back?" He responded" when I decide you can have it back. You made your bed and I'm going to make you lay in it" 

I argued pretty strongly and said some choice words. He then offered me a deal I could have my privacy back, but if I ever accused him of cheating again or spied on him then I was gone for good. I would be forced to leave and never come back. I didn't take the deal, because it's basically exactly what I have now. If he thought anything had happened he'd kick me out just for thinking it. 

Am I in the wrong to want my privacy back? I can't even text my own mom because I'm always nervous about him reading everything. It's girly stuff you know. Things discussed woman to woman.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

What did you do that made him not trust you?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> What did you do that made him not trust you?


^^This.

There must be a reason for him feeling this way. Have you been texting other men? Or discussing your marriage with your mum? If so, you shouldn't be doing either of those things, and I don't blame him for being upset.

Privacy in marriage is closing the door when you use the bathroom.


----------



## drleo1 (Jan 22, 2016)

Tell us what you did that made him lose trust in you


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

For awhile I worked for my aunt and she made sure I knew who paid me my money and how easily it could be gone. She told me several times not to tell my husband things, at first it was money hidden in different accounts. Then it was my days and pretty soon it was talking in private on the phone away from my husband. After my dad took over I told my husband about everything because I finally could. Another thing was I suspected he was cheating and every time I would ask him about a text or his Facebook or someone he would tell me not to worry about it or it was none of my business. It drove me insane to the point where I didn't want to be that stupid girl who didn't know she was being cheated on. So I like looked through his journal read his letters and his Facebook messages. All of which were horrible of me and I have admitted this in counseling. My husband is very volatile and he has sent my mother and father nasty messages, threats, and accusations numerous times. I neglect to tell him things to avoid drama.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

These lies were three years ago and that's how long he has been reading my texts and Facebook messenger


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> My husband is very volatile and he has sent my mother and father nasty messages, threats, and accusations numerous times. I neglect to tell him things to avoid drama.


That being the case, you ought to take your privacy back, at the same time you would do well to let him go as well.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> These lies were three years ago and that's how long he has been reading my texts and Facebook messenger




I hope you read his texts and Facebook messenger as well.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Ok so I am a tech freak, I love my technology. I have an iMac,MacBook,iPhone 6 plus,and an iPad. I had them all connected a couple of years ago but when I started leaving my iPad at home so my husband could play his game he started reading my text messages. So yesterday I asked him if I could have my privacy back. He said " no" and told me I'd lied to him too many times and that I ruined our relationship. I argued that I wanted to change it. He said, " if you change it then go find a relationship somewhere else." I broke down and said " when can I have my privacy back?" He responded" when I decide you can have it back. You made your bed and I'm going to make you lay in it"
> 
> I argued pretty strongly and said some choice words. He then offered me a deal I could have my privacy back, but if I ever accused him of cheating again or spied on him then I was gone for good. I would be forced to leave and never come back. I didn't take the deal, because it's basically exactly what I have now. If he thought anything had happened he'd kick me out just for thinking it.
> 
> Am I in the wrong to want my privacy back? I can't even text my own mom because I'm always nervous about him reading everything. It's girly stuff you know. Things discussed woman to woman.


if it really is girly stuff, woman to woman, then why are you thinking that he's really going to care about such things?

would you accept a data administrator position with personal responsibility for the messages, if you weren't allowed to adminstrate those messages and rules? would you still take it on if you know the users had used the system for illegal purposes previously? no, you wouldn't. you would say either I get responsibility and access, or i don't take on the job.
My point being that many of your messages are already monitored, why then do you feel the need to hide stuff from your loved ones? If you have nothing to hide then don't panic yourself about it - that you're making it as issue, is why it's an issue!!!!


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

They are your passwords, change them.

Or, just start sending lots of messages you know will annoy him. We can help you come up with some if it helps. 😀


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

So you were hiding money from you husband?

Sounds like you both lack trust of each other.

Do you guys hang out and date each other? How's the marriage otherwise?

Trust has to be regained. And sound like things go t rug swept so he still hangs onto "what else is she not telling me".





toomuchlove87 said:


> For awhile I worked for my aunt and she made sure I knew who paid me my money and how easily it could be gone. She told me several times not to tell my husband things, at first it was money hidden in different accounts. Then it was my days and pretty soon it was talking in private on the phone away from my husband. After my dad took over I told my husband about everything because I finally could. Another thing was I suspected he was cheating and every time I would ask him about a text or his Facebook or someone he would tell me not to worry about it or it was none of my business. It drove me insane to the point where I didn't want to be that stupid girl who didn't know she was being cheated on. So I like looked through his journal read his letters and his Facebook messages. All of which were horrible of me and I have admitted this in counseling. My husband is very volatile and he has sent my mother and father nasty messages, threats, and accusations numerous times. I neglect to tell him things to avoid drama.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Why would you want to stay with this man?
I think you would be better off without him.

How could he make you leave? He's trying to manipulate you.

Start an exit plan. Ask you dad for help.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For awhile I worked for my aunt and she made sure I knew who paid me my money and how easily it could be gone. She told me several times not to tell my husband things, at first it was money hidden in different accounts. Then it was my days and pretty soon it was talking in private on the phone away from my husband. After my dad took over I told my husband about everything because I finally could. Another thing was I suspected he was cheating and every time I would ask him about a text or his Facebook or someone he would tell me not to worry about it or it was none of my business. It drove me insane to the point where I didn't want to be that stupid girl who didn't know she was being cheated on. So I like looked through his journal read his letters and his Facebook messages. All of which were horrible of me and I have admitted this in counseling. My husband is very volatile and he has sent my mother and father nasty messages, threats, and accusations numerous times. I neglect to tell him things to avoid drama.


So you proved to him that he cannot trust you and now you're upset that he doesn't trust you? And now, knowing that he doesn't trust you because you showed him what a bad idea that is, you think you should have communications with other people that he has no access to? 

You acted shady and these are the consequences. But it needs to go both ways. He has full access to your communications and you have full access to his. Is that the case? Do you have his passwords?


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

OK, admittedly i am the suspicious type but i think there is a lot we aren't being told.
Just a couple things that seem really odd to me.

When is the last time your boss made you open a secret account to hide money from your husband.

What kind of texts could a family related boss be giving that would destroy a husbands trust.

Why would you have put up with this for three years if you hadn't done serious damage to the trust in the relationship, and i'm sorry but the stuff you are saying in your opening post isnt adding up to that big of an issue.

The reaction of the husband is one of a husband that caught his wife in an affair (either ea or pa), the secret bank account sounds like part of an exit plan and the text partner sounds like AP.

Maybe I'm crazy but thats what I'm reading in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wazza said:


> They are your passwords, change them.
> 
> Or, just start sending lots of messages you know will annoy him. We can help you come up with some if it helps. 😀


Directed to a female friend: "You were so right! Dear lord the smell alone repulsed me." Have her send back a laughing emoji.

A day later: "like I told you on the phone, I am absolutely IN!" Have her send back thumbs up emoji

To a different female friend you've warned not to respond: "He never found it. So stupid." Later you text, "blinking arrows and a traffic cop and he'd still be clueless."

To a 3rd female friend: "Forgot to say 'ha! No bigger than a pinky."

When he demands further clarification you calmly tell him no. And then you say nothing more on the subject.

Your husband is a controlling abusive man and you really would be better off leaving him. But you already know this and for whatever reason you continue to stay.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Ok so I am a tech freak, I love my technology. I have an iMac,MacBook,iPhone 6 plus,and an iPad. I had them all connected a couple of years ago but when I started leaving my iPad at home so my husband could play his game he started reading my text messages. So yesterday I asked him if I could have my privacy back. He said " no" and told me I'd lied to him too many times and that I ruined our relationship. I argued that I wanted to change it. He said, " if you change it then go find a relationship somewhere else." I broke down and said " when can I have my privacy back?" He responded" when I decide you can have it back. You made your bed and I'm going to make you lay in it"
> 
> I argued pretty strongly and said some choice words. He then offered me a deal I could have my privacy back, but if I ever accused him of cheating again or spied on him then I was gone for good. I would be forced to leave and never come back. I didn't take the deal, because it's basically exactly what I have now. If he thought anything had happened he'd kick me out just for thinking it.
> 
> Am I in the wrong to want my privacy back? I can't even text my own mom because I'm always nervous about him reading everything. It's girly stuff you know. Things discussed woman to woman.


OK, privacy in marriage is pretty much an illusion. Except for the bathroom there really isn't much. This sounds to me, though, like he has taken full control and relegated you to second class citizen status. Did you cheat? Did he? If the answer to either is yes then trust has been demolished and you will both have to work on rebuilding that. But it seems that he doesn't want to, he is on a power trip. He is issuing ultimatums, time to take him up on them. He doesn't stay for love he is staying for vengeance. Sounds like he cheated, got caught and is mad at you for catching him. He isn't worth your time, bail.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

toomuchlove87 said:


> For awhile I worked for my aunt and she made sure I knew who paid me my money and how easily it could be gone. She told me several times not to tell my husband things, at first it was money hidden in different accounts. Then it was my days and pretty soon it was talking in private on the phone away from my husband.


You're going to have to be more forthcoming about this in order to avoid wrong conclusions, or perhaps that what you intend. The way I read the above, your aunt was engaged in illegal activities and demanded that you keep her secrets. Or your aunt was full blown crazy and you foolishly mollified her irrational fears.






> After my dad took over I told my husband about everything because I finally could.


I know I intimidate people when I don't intend to. I don't understand how I do that unless there are more people who are easily cowed than I can imagine. So please explain what would have happened had you confided to your husband the irrational things your aunt insisted you keep private? Would she have beaten you? Taken away your favorite teddy bear? Imprisoned you? Fired you? Yelled at you? 






> Another thing was I suspected he was cheating and every time I would ask him about a text or his Facebook or someone he would tell me not to worry about it or it was none of my business. It drove me insane to the point where I didn't want to be that stupid girl who didn't know she was being cheated on.


This is actually the first rational thing you've said. To have your curious probing summarily dismissed along with your right as his wife to even BE curious, would rationally set off alarm bells for anyone.



> So I like looked through his journal read his letters and his Facebook messages. All of which were horrible of me and I have admitted this in counseling.



1. Here is where punctuation and sentence structure would help. What did you admit in counseling? That you snooped to begin with? Or that what you discovered were his inner thoughts and feelings that presented you in an unfavorable light?

2. Why on earth would you stay with a man who felt/thought/expressed sentiments about you that were horrible?





> My husband is very volatile and he has sent my mother and father nasty messages, threats, and accusations numerous times. I neglect to tell him things to avoid drama.


Sometimes we live in the hell of our own making. Here is the hell that you are making.

1. You live with a man who is volatile.
2. You live with a man who sends nasty, mean, and threatening messages to your family. (Unless of course your family consist of motorcycle gang mobsters and your husband is an FBI agent. What you write is so vague the conclusions one could jump to are entertaining, to say the least.) because in what world do you live that his behavior toward you and your family can remotely be considered "okay?"
3. You are not truthful to him. 
4. You avoid conflict.

I should have listed 'avoid conflict' before being untruthful; you are untruthful because you wish to avoid conflict. 

So the big picture you have painted is that you are surrounded by outlaws and are seeking advice to have a sense of normalcy where absolutely none can possibly exist.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

While I'm a huge fan of transparency within a marriage, in terms of building mutual trust, there's little value in any transparency that isn't freely given. IOW, if you have to "demand" it, you're already facing an uphill climb.

Either way, your husband is clearly abusing and misusing the trust that you've extending to him, and that's even worse.

Does he share his passwords, etc w/ you? If not, what's his justification for refusing to do so?


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Story does not add up.

Aunt/employer forces you to hide money (yours or company money?), so either H had to think you work for free or less than you were really making or it was something illegal.

Aunt/employer forces you to not talk to H about your days and to act secretive about your phone calls (at home??? Wtf how would the aunt know?). Only when the aunt is out of the picture you confess to H that you have money stashed away and could not talk to him???

When you suspected H of cheating, you had no problem violating his privacy. 

Both of you were in MC, why? There you confessed that you violated his privacy. What was his reaction?

Now he reads your texts and emails and you complain about your loss of privacy. How about calling and talking to your mother/other people? Is he recording your calls too? What the hell is girly stuff that should not be known by your husband? Men? Marriage? Do you have access to his devices and snoop around?

You had a deal on the table to regain your valued privacy by granting him his but you would not be allowed to accuse him of cheating/spying on him or you would have to leave (well if he cheated why not leave him and if you spied on him although he did not cheat you demonstrated that you don't trust him whatsoever and why shouldn't he leave you then), you did not take it because he could kick you out. As if he could not kick you out/leave you/divorce you now at any given point in the future for whatever reason.

Husband is volatile and you do not want to talk to him. Already learned that from your aunt, apparently back then you would have wanted to talk to him, now you don't. What changed?

Smells like there are more missing pieces in this puzzle.


----------



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

You might actually get useful advice if you provided full background or kept to one thread. You were helping your aunt care for your grandfather, and she was defrauding him, not filing taxes, taking out loans in his name, maybe thinking about offing him for the insurance. ....lots of secrets and she was a grand puppet master. You far away from home for long periods. Cant imagine why he is suspicious and doesn't care for your family. .....wow.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

oneMOreguy said:


> You might actually get useful advice if you provided full background or kept to one thread. You were helping your aunt care for your grandfather, and she was defrauding him, not filing taxes, taking out loans in his name, maybe thinking about offing him for the insurance. ....lots of secrets and she was a grand puppet master. You far away from home for long periods. Cant imagine why he is suspicious and doesn't care for your family. .....wow.


Well bless my soul that certainly does add nuance and understanding.

Jerry Springer show strikes again.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I agree the story is not adding up. How long have you been accusing him of cheating? Was it once three years ago? I am personally not a fan of playing games with peoples head so the fake text messages in my mind is only going to make your life more difficult.

I have no problem with my wife having full access to all my communications. I guess that is just me. 

I think you both need counseling. 

C


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So he wouldn't give you access to his texts etc, but wants full access to yours.

I have no problem with transparency in a relationship, but when it's forced, or when it doesn't go both ways it's controlling and unethical imo. It shows an absolute lack of love and trust. When there is no love and no trust, what's the point?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's the rest of the story? What has really happened? And why so cryptic about you and your aunt and that job? What the hell did you do there and lie about?


----------



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I only did a quick scan of her past posts.........had baby shower for my first grandchild today......gals and also guys had one....

But there is some back history there. Husband is no saint.....and they are kinda young. But the situation sounded messy at first glance. Aunt seems to be the real villian.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

oneMOreguy said:


> You might actually get useful advice if you provided full background or kept to one thread. You were helping your aunt care for your grandfather, and she was defrauding him, not filing taxes, taking out loans in his name, maybe thinking about offing him for the insurance. ....lots of secrets and she was a grand puppet master. You far away from home for long periods. Cant imagine why he is suspicious and doesn't care for your family. .....wow.


Woman here, married for 36 years (first time marriage for both my husband and I), & career woman. All our online accounts are transparent in addition to all joint accounts in financial matters. When you are married, you need to understand that privacy belongs in the bathroom as most posters have pointed out to you.

What is of big concern is that you are willing to participate in criminal activities in defrauding clients and the IRS. Your husband has every right to monitor you as you have hid this from him. You need to see a marriage counselor.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Time frame and timeline please.

Not excusing his alleged volatility, but many of the posters in this thread constantly point out how wrong it is when a poster puts their family first over their wife. The reverse is true as well..


----------

