# I just don't know what to do



## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

I have been with my husband for three years now and it has been an up and down relationship from the get go. 
I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Shortly after we married I got pregnant with our son and we had not planned on having any children, since I already had one. He refers to the children as his son and my daughter not our children. He treats our son very well and spoils him too much yet he hardly gives my daughter the same treatment. If our daughter needs anything medical or dental or anything like that I have to come up with a way to pay that out of my own pocket. He feels that is my responsibility and not his.
It is hard for my husband to get used to the fact that things are "Ours" and not "his or hers". We both have our own savings and checking accounts and nothing together. He thinks that his money should be his business and mine should be his business as well. When I get any money and he knows about it he makes plans on how I am to use that money for his benefit.
We have slept in seperate rooms since I was pregnant and have never slept together since. 
We are looking into getting a new house and because I do not have a job at the moment I am not allowed to put my name on the mortgage. He says only those who contribute to the payment of it should be allowed to have their name on it.
I am very close to my family so it was hard for me to move away from them. I like to visit my family alot and when I ask him to join me he has every excuse in the book. We live a few miles down from his family and we see them more often than mine and when I do not feel lik visiting them he will make me feel bad about it as if I don't like them.
I love my husband with all my heart and soul and I get the feeling that he doesn't love me the same. How can I talk to him about this without coming off as accusing or blaming in any way?


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

You need to extract yourself from this mess as soon as possible.

There is frankly no point to your marriage. There is no bond, no sharing, no trust, and no committment to each other's welfare. As harsh as it sounds your husband clearly does not love you.

For the sake of your daughter's welfare alone get away from this creep.


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## etca (Nov 2, 2009)

Why he dislike your daughter anyway? If there are problems between them it is better to talk them out of it by discussing the issues with them. But if the problem is mainly because of your husband not really liking without no apparent reason at all then its better to leave him. Blood is thicker than water.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like he is getting ready for a divorce, not a marriage.

You would be better divorcing him as in the long run, I think your going to be wasting your time trying to make a relationship or marriage with your husband.


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

Maybe I am just seeing the situation all wrong and things are not as bad as I make them out to be. I love my husband with all my heart and soul and I would just die if I didn't have him in my life. I want to work things out and get him to see things from my point of view or at least differently. What other options do I have besides divorce?


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Either of two things, 

First, maybe he is just trying to protect himself, maybe he was racked over in his divorce.

Second, maybe he's a jerk and you are the last to see.

Starting out a marriage, especially with a child means sharing everything. 

"Those that don't contribute", sounds like he wants to vote you off of survivor island.

You had better start winning some challenges or its adios amigo.


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

Well I sat down with my husband the other night and we talked for a long time and we have decided there are some things that we are going to work on to make a big change in our relationship. He told me that he has realized that my daughter needs a father figure in her life more than a few times a month, when she sees her father. He has decided to be that father figure and step up the game a little and try to make the children equal in every aspect even money and I hope that really is true. We have even moved into the bedroom together and we are doing well so far. Now it is a wait and see game with the rest. Hope for the best.


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## Sarai (Nov 7, 2009)

I really need help, I am in a situation similar to this one.. 

I got married about 3 months ago.. and my husband turn out to be like this one you just talked about, 
at the time of our dating he seem okay with the fact that I had guardianship of this little boy who is my nephew who is 9 years old... I have had him for 5 years, and I love him as my son. 

My husband I feel plays emotional games with me, and I just grow distant from him, I feel like what he does is mind games with me, he is always criticizing me in everything I do, seems like I will never be good enough for him, 
I simply just don't want to try any more, I want Out!

We hardly ever sleep together!
since we got married, like 7 days after the wedding he changed, or should I say showed his true colors. 

Sometimes I think that it is not fair to give the relationship a try for only 3 months, but I feel like he is sorry, even when he says he is not, his actions speak louder to me than words.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mackeral1 said:


> I have been with my husband for three years now and it has been an up and down relationship from the get go.
> I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Shortly after we married I got pregnant with our son and we had not planned on having any children, since I already had one. He refers to the children as his son and my daughter not our children. He treats our son very well and spoils him too much yet he hardly gives my daughter the same treatment. If our daughter needs anything medical or dental or anything like that I have to come up with a way to pay that out of my own pocket. He feels that is my responsibility and not his.
> It is hard for my husband to get used to the fact that things are "Ours" and not "his or hers". We both have our own savings and checking accounts and nothing together. He thinks that his money should be his business and mine should be his business as well. When I get any money and he knows about it he makes plans on how I am to use that money for his benefit.
> We have slept in seperate rooms since I was pregnant and have never slept together since.
> ...


Sounds to me like he feels seriously betrayed and cannot trust you as you agreed to not have more kids, and then did. He maybe feels very unprepared too...
and distancing himself from you to avoid any more life changing events. As far as the money situation and him wanting you to help him, it could be because of the unplanned pregnancy and the costs involved with having and raising a child you did not plan to have.
I think his biggest issue is fear of trusting you but of course thats just speculation since we really don't know you and can't see the whole picture, only your side of it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad he is trying to improve your marriage...I believe him leading a separate life financially and in separate bedrooms, and with parenting your children separately will only cause you and your children hurt and pain down the road. 

I know you love him, but don't set your expectations too low just because of the fear of losing him. He will have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself and your kids. Sounds like a turning point for you...good luck!


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

Well a year has gone by since I last was here talking about my life and guess what...there is yet another issue I need a little light shed on. 
Since then we bought a house together and he even let me put my name on the deed and I was shocked about that. He has even came to the realization that my daughter needs a father figure in her life that will be there for her when she needs anything... that is a big weight off my shoulders. 
I am still a stay at home mother which I love cause I am always there for my kids for anything. 
I am just having a little issue with money these days and it seems to never change for me. My husband still won't let us share a bank account together because he thinks I will spend all the money and leave him broke. This leaves him the money maker in the family and so all the money goes into his account. I have no source of income what-so-ever so this makes me and the kids 100% dependant on him for everything. If I need anything at all I have to go to him , tell him what I need and then I have to wait to see if he will give me money. I used to go through his pockets and take the change to get the things I needed but then he must of caught on because the pockets started coming up empty. I never asked for money for things I or someone in the house didn't need. I don't see how he can't just make sure that I have money for the week to buy the things needed like an allowence. When i try to tell him that would be nice of him to do all he says is "I got bills to pay" and "I don't get to spend money on things I want" and other silly excuses so he doesn't have to hear how it makes me feel. Am I being wrong or is he just being selfish?


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