# It turns out that I never really knew my husband...



## Blindsided11

I am so heartbroken right now. I don't even know where to begin!! My husband and I have always had marital issues...time...intimacy...the usual...but I NEVER knew it was this bad. About 2 months ago my world came crashing down. We have been married for 10 years, have one child and were in the process of adopting a second child. We were days away after a VERY long wait to being matched with our second child that my husband dropped the following bombs on me:

1. I don't know if I want any more children
2. I don't know if I want to be married to you anymore
3. I don't know if I love you anymore
4. I've been unhappy for 7 out of 10 years of marriage
5. I don't know when I stopped loving you
6. I don't know if I want to make this marriage work

I am so confused right now!! we are in therapy...but the therapist just keeps focusing on what I need to do to make the marriage more attractive to him. I think I want to leave..but I am petrified of so many things!!!

Please HELP!!


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## Zulu

Blindsided11 said:


> my husband dropped the following bombs on me:
> 
> 2. I don't know if I want to be married to you anymore
> 3. I don't know if I love you anymore
> 4. I've been unhappy for 7 out of 10 years of marriage
> 5. I don't know when I stopped loving you
> 6. I don't know if I want to make this marriage work


Sorry to hear... been there, know the feeling, understand 100%, you are probably devastated right now and looking into it and totally over analysing the situation to death to find out what you have done to make hime feel like this.

He has probably got someone else and is involved in an affair. 

Most of the people on this site have heard the same from their spouse. Best you can do is the 180 they talk about. Took me a while to get onto it, but once I did, things changed quite a lot. 

There is a post somewhere that tells you all the things you MUST NOT do... beg, cry etc write letter, grovel etc etc etc... try and forget about him, and be yourself and just be.... he will quickly come to some kind of realisation, and in that time you would have made yourself happy etc etc etc, he is probably in an affair "fog" and YOU at the moment are his greatest source of distress etc....


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## anx

You need to understand that if your husband has been unhappy and out of of love and didn't communicate that for years that that isn't something you did wrong. Some people either do not know themselves or cannot communicate it. 

Your counselor may not be any good. Make sure they are licensed as a marriage and family counselor. 

Do not get lost in your husbands confusion. He made the choices he made and also waited till now to make this clear to you. The issues in your marriage was 50% you and 50% your husband. You cannot fix it by yourself and did not create it by yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Most of what people tell you in sadness and anger is bull****. I would discount the 'reality' of half of that list up front. On the other hand 'I don't know if' is an indicator of 'I'm done coping, now you fix this **** or I'm outta here..'


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## mayatatia

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be crushing news... i can only imagine thinking things are fine and making plans to grow the family when hearing of his unhappiness. It appears that perhaps he did not communicate feelings throughout the marriage, because he lead you to believe all was well enough to go through the process of adopting. That is a long process, which gave him plenty of time to voice his concerns. Do not take the blame for this! Like several of the post above, he may be interested in someone else. Is he willing to go through therapy (BTW you might want to considered another therapist)? and if so, is he going so he could blame instead of resolve problems? Many times the offending spouse goes to therapy to defend their point or justify their actions, not really to grow the relationship. I'm struggling myself with big issues here at home and realized that it is unhealthy and very lonely living with someone who doesn't want a relationship (after 24 yrs of marriage). Don't settle for less like I did. PBear made it clear to me on another post "You are responsible for your own happiness". Don't let fear keep you an emotional prisoner.


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## enlightened1

Most of the people on this site have heard the same from their spouse. Best you can do is the 180 they talk about. Took me a while to get onto it, but once I did, things changed quite a lot. 

There is a post somewhere that tells you all the things you MUST NOT do... beg, cry etc write letter, grovel etc etc etc... try and forget about him, and be yourself and just be.... he will quickly come to some kind of realisation, and in that time you would have made yourself happy etc etc etc, he is probably in an affair "fog" and YOU at the moment are his greatest source of distress etc....[/QUOTE]

:iagree:
I got caught up in searching for answers and trying to make him "fall back in love with me". It just makes it harder for you. Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.


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## kirkman

I'm sorry to hear that. My wife dropped a similar bomb on me last October. On the one hand, I feel like I'm now a better person because of her telling me those things. On the other hand, she says she's still unsure if she wants to remain together. 

I've been following all the advice I can get my hands on, on "how to get her to fall back in love" and none of it appears to work. From my experience so far, I'd say the others are right: We're each responsible for our own happiness, and there is no way to "make" the other person do anything they don't want to do.

You mentioned thinking you want to leave. Do you really want to? From what you described, he sounds like he's confused and unhappy. If he's a good man, maybe you can work through this together?


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