# New marriage, but sex is stressful.



## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

Hey everyone, 

So here's my problem, I love sex, my husband doesn't. We've only been together a year, we're 21 and 22, but the sex life has been about the same (maybe a little better at the beginning) the whole time. The main problem is, I absolutely love it, and he thinks it's... good, I guess. He doesn't initiate it very often, and many times when he knows I'd like to, or try to seduce him, he turns me down. Sometimes, he'll just go soft in the middle of having sex with me. It doesn't happen all the time, and I don't mean to say he's purposely depriving me of sex, but it's hard not to blame myself when he doesn't seem attracted to me sexually. 

He is very loving. He is affectionate and caring. He's a wonderful husband all around, but sex is just plain stressful. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe once or twice a week is still pretty good for a couple that's been together a year, but when those times feel one sided, like I'm the only one enjoying it, it kinda breaks my heart. 

I do have issues with being self-conscious and jealous, but I really and truly have been doing better. I know those types of things drive guys away quick. I have been doing all I know to do to spice up the love life, but none of it seems to be working. I'd rather not post pictures of myself, but I am not ugly. I am short, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyes. He truly thinks I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's seen (he's picky), so I don't believe that it's my looks causing the problem. Any thoughts? I would never leave him (unless he cheated on me of course), so if we could leave divorce out of any advice that would be much appreciated. 

It is really quite painful to be turned down by my own husband and feel like maybe it's my fault that he doesn't enjoy sex. He's said many times that it's basically just a lot of work for very little payoff. (I've been trying to do a lot more of the work lately as well, because I can understand where he's coming from. I'm just not as strong and I tire out much more quickly when I'm the one doing most of the work). But I don't feel like it should be work! Shouldn't it be relaxing? Something to take stress away and make you feel intimate with your husband? 

Please help.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sex is more than simply intercourse. It is the physical expression of love between two people.

When the woman I love and I are getting ready to go to work, I often pull her over to me, look deeply into her eyes, caress her face, and give her a long, lingering kiss. I want her to know that she is loved and cherished by me. I often tell her *"If you could see yourself through my eyes, you would never again question your beauty"* I want her addicted to only one man, me.

When I read post like yours, my blood boils and I want to appear in front of your husband and ask him "What is wrong with you? There are men who would kill to have a woman like the one you have. Keep it up and sooner or later one of these men will give your wife the love that you have been denying her"

Sorry for the rant.


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

LeiaLove said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sometimes, he'll just go soft in the middle of having sex with me.


Have you ever wondered if he have erectile dysfunction? There may be a physical problem that you may not know about. Has he told you why he got soft in the middle? I know that must be difficult. There's time I don't be n the mood with my bf, but a little bit after we start, I'm all in. What are his thoughts on the issue instead of "I'm not in the mood"?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Did you ask him why?

I can see how we might not want to have sex if he is not good at it. Or thinks he is not good at it. Since it does seem he wants to make you happy, in other ways so he does love you too.

#1 rule in marriage ask, don't guess. Bring it up gently and found out why, since when you know the reason it is much easier to fix.


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks everyone. morituri, he is not the kind of guy you are thinking that makes you so angry. He cherishes me greatly. He shows me how much he loves me everyday. We hug, we kiss, we are affectionate. He tells me I'm beautiful and means it. The problem is strictly with sex. He just doesn't desire it like I do. 

Sacred Lady, Yeah I've wondered about that. We actually talked about it last night and he is interested in getting his testosterone levels checked out to make sure this isn't just an easy fix. I FEEL like that could be the problem, but maybe he just doesn't feel the chemistry about me that I feel about him. I mean, there are one sided relationships all over the place right? Hopefully it's a medical problem that can be easily fixed, but maybe it's just one of those things where it's either there or it's not? He's either ooey gooey for me or he's not? 

Nicbrownn80. Yeah, we talk about it quite a bit. He's brutally honest so I know he's no lying about anything. I agree though, talking things out is wayyy important in marriage. 

I guess I've pretty much solved it in my mind. I suppose we'll go to the doctor, make sure nothing medically is wrong, and go from there. I won't leave him, so if it really is that he just doesn't feel the ooey gooey feelings for me like I do for him, then I will learn to accept it. I hope it's not though. Feel free to continue the suggestions, I could use more if you guys have time. Thanks so much!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts... He might be shying away because he's having ED issues. If that's the case, especially for a young guy, it would be pretty embarrassing, I'd think. 

Some suggestions... Does he work out at all? Does he smoke, or is he overweight? Has he seen a doctor? Is there a history of heart disease in his family? Ruling out a physical cause would be the first step. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

Before you start jumping to conclusions, try to see what's going on with his physically.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

The rule in my house is simple and we agreed to it 34 years ago. Neither one of us ever denies the others needs. We never say no or even imply we don't feel like it. If one is interested it doesn't take long before the other is warmed up. Works for us and no one ever feels rejected but it takes 2.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

I agree with the others. He may have some health issues causing the ED. Get it checked out.

It may be that he's just nervous. You might ask him. BTW, because of our advanced ages, Mrs. Parrothead and I rarely do it more than once a day. Okay, maybe twice on the weekends. 

I am serious, and I am not bragging, what I am telling you is that it doesn't have to be the way you describe.


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## jennyf (Jul 31, 2011)

Once you’ve explored testosterone levels and the other possible physical contributors PBear brought up, I hope you’ll take another look at Nicbrownn80’s comments. Clear communication about and during sex is important, especially when a person isn’t, or thinks they aren’t, very good at it. More information about positioning, stimulation points and toys might take a lot of the “work” out of it, too. A Sex Therapist can help you with both. I hope you’ll consider one.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LeiaLove said:


> I guess I've pretty much solved it in my mind. I suppose we'll go to the doctor, make sure nothing medically is wrong, and go from there. I won't leave him, so if it really is that he just doesn't feel the ooey gooey feelings for me like I do for him, then I will learn to accept it. I hope it's not though. Feel free to continue the suggestions, I could use more if you guys have time. Thanks so much!


If everything checks out physically you may want to check his computer for porn. My H and I had the same issues with sex at the beginning of our relationship (we were 25 yrs old at the time). He used a private browsing setting so I couldn't see the sites he went to but i installed K9 web protection (its free) and found out he was constantly on porn sites. Explained everything.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

That is awesome that he is willing to go to the doctor to get things checked out. I think it is also great that he recognizes that it is a problem and wants to make you happy. He definitely sounds like a keeper  . 

The problem may be some of the previous mentioned medical issues or a side effect of a certain medication. A lot of mental health medications have a side effect of a significantly decreased libido. Exercise and eating right can be a natural boost for one's libido.


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks guys! 
I know for a fact he doesn't look at porn so that's not the problem. I agree with you Riverside MFT, he IS a keeper! We'll get it checked out and I'll update this when I find out what it is, just to let anyone who is interested know how it's going. Wish us luck! Pray if you pray.  Thanks!


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