# I feel like I want to be single again



## BridgetJones

My marriage went through a lot. From lack of respect to no respect, mutual name callings, physical and emotional abuse and my affair. But when I look back all I can see is that I got married too young.

I was 17 when I met my husband. He was my first and only boyfriend in everything. I did not even kissed another boy because I was too shy. Then, when I was 20 we got married. It was not perfect and with each year it got worse and by age 28 I finally realized how different we are. My therapist told me that we mature by age 30, so what we wanted at age 20 can change a lot as we get older. I can see that now. 

Three year later, I don't know what to do anymore. I love and care about my husband but it is not that kind of love when you look into that person eyes and dream about future with them. This feeling is killing me. Instead of being attracted to him, I find myself attracted to other men, thinking how it would be to date again. It is bad... Because I am married and I should not like others like that.
I don't even know how it is to live on my own. I have never been single and alone. I went from parents house to ours. 

My husband and I are trying to do our best since doing MC but it does not bring me closer to him. We are nicer to each other but not on emotional level. I am not. And I feel very guilty and selfish for it. 

Does it take more time? Am I able to reconnect with him if I am already having thoughts about how it would be with someone else? I am not talking sex only, I am thinking about being with someone who values you and have a lot in common. When just seeing them makes you smile...


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## nogutsnoglory

Sorry, you will not get much from us since you are a cheater. Very hard for you to connect with your H since he is a doormat to you. Did he expose the affair to your family? Did he confront the OM? Did he really give you any hard consequences? 
You do not respect him and unless that changes, you will not want him, you will want someone stronger.
Since you are a cheater and he is a door mat, I do not see any point to the marriage.


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## BeachGuy

How does your husband feel about the marriage?

Do you haven any kids?


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## BeachGuy

nogutsnoglory said:


> Sorry, you will not get much from us since you are a cheater. Very hard for you to connect with your H since he is a doormat to you. Did he expose the affair to your family? Did he confront the OM? Did he really give you any hard consequences?
> You do not respect him and unless that changes, you will not want him, you will want someone stronger.
> Since you are a cheater and he is a door mat, I do not see any point to the marriage.


Well that's a lot of help. Pretty crappy reply to someone reaching out for help.


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## nogutsnoglory

BeachGuy said:


> Well that's a lot of help. Pretty crappy reply to someone reaching out for help.


Argue the logic then. She is an admitted cheater and based on what she writes about not connecting with her H. It seems she lacks the ability to see him in the light she previously had in her marriage. This is common post affair in rug sweep, doormat, R's. I believe that to be what they are in right now and she will not get that fire back for a man she does not respect. I asked her if I am correct in my assumptions? She has not responded. You are wrong though that I am not being helpful. If this is what happened post affair then it sheds light as to the why she feels about him the way she does. It lets her know that there is a reason for her disconnect from him and it is both their faults. Really her H should be here to find out what happened from his POV. I suspect it to be a very different perspective than hers.

truth and advice does not equal nice and hand holding.


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## BridgetJones

BeachGuy said:


> How does your husband feel about the marriage?
> 
> Do you haven any kids?


BeachGuy,
we do not have any kids. I am ready, so he is but we were told not to have them at this point. My husband was in denial at first. He said he is happy and I am the only one having problem. He did not listen for a very long. Now he is taking it more seriously.

My husband is not doormat for me even though I did my mistake and have to live with that guilt for rest of my life.


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## BridgetJones

nogutsnoglory said:


> Argue the logic then. She is an admitted cheater and based on what she writes about not connecting with her H. It seems she lacks the ability to see him in the light she previously had in her marriage. This is common post affair in rug sweep, doormat, R's. I believe that to be what they are in right now and she will not get that fire back for a man she does not respect. I asked her if I am correct in my assumptions? She has not responded. You are wrong though that I am not being helpful. If this is what happened post affair then it sheds light as to the why she feels about him the way she does. It lets her know that there is a reason for her disconnect from him and it is both their faults. Really her H should be here to find out what happened from his POV. I suspect it to be a very different perspective than hers.
> 
> truth and advice does not equal nice and hand holding.


I do not see my husband as a doormat. I care about him, I don't ignore his needs and do not treat him the way you think. I did my mistake and even though I was not able to tell him, I have to live with that regret and quilt. And believe me, there is not day I do not feel bad about it. It is killing me inside.
I do not rewrite our history. Our troubles started long long before I met OM. He did his mistakes and I did mine. But I know he did not make me cheat. I should leave before anything happened. 

We both are working on our marriage and all I wanted to know was if I can get those feelings back with time or if it's too late. That's all.


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## nogutsnoglory

BridgetJones said:


> I do not see my husband as a doormat. I care about him, I don't ignore his needs and do not treat him the way you think. I did my mistake and even though I was not able to tell him, I have to live with that regret and quilt. And believe me, there is not day I do not feel bad about it. It is killing me inside.
> I do not rewrite our history. Our troubles started long long before I met OM. He did his mistakes and I did mine. But I know he did not make me cheat. I should leave before anything happened.
> 
> We both are working on our marriage and all I wanted to know was if I can get those feelings back with time or if it's too late. That's all.


That is exactly the information that was needed right there. You showed the ultimate disrespect to your H and your marriage and are now keeping that information from him. This changes you as a wife and although I am sure you will defend it, you are a liar, a cheat, and morally bankrupt. He thinks he is married to the opposite. The two of you have zero chance to improve until you come clean. I highly recommend MC and admission during MC with the assistance of a counselor. IF you are even a half decent person, you are carrying a ton of guilt and every time he makes an advance you will feel you do not deserve his love and not take his advance the way he wants. He is obviously not an extrovert in terms of expressing love, but that does not mean he does not love you, nor does it mean he has not made efforts. You need to admit who you are and he needs to know the person he is married to. I will not waste my time on you any longer. You are pretending to be someone you are not right now in your marriage. I feel terrible for your H.


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## 3Xnocharm

BridgetJones said:


> My marriage went through a lot. From lack of respect to no respect, mutual name callings, physical and emotional abuse and my affair. But when I look back all I can see is that I got married too young.
> 
> I was 17 when I met my husband. He was my first and only boyfriend in everything. I did not even kissed another boy because I was too shy. Then, when I was 20 we got married. It was not perfect and with each year it got worse and by age 28 I finally realized how different we are. My therapist told me that we mature by age 30, so what we wanted at age 20 can change a lot as we get older. I can see that now.
> 
> Three year later, I don't know what to do anymore. I love and care about my husband but it is not that kind of love when you look into that person eyes and dream about future with them. This feeling is killing me. Instead of being attracted to him, I find myself attracted to other men, thinking how it would be to date again. It is bad... Because I am married and I should not like others like that.
> I don't even know how it is to live on my own. I have never been single and alone. I went from parents house to ours.
> 
> My husband and I are trying to do our best since doing MC but it does not bring me closer to him. We are nicer to each other but not on emotional level. I am not. And I feel very guilty and selfish for it.
> 
> Does it take more time? Am I able to reconnect with him if I am already having thoughts about how it would be with someone else? I am not talking sex only, I am thinking about being with someone who values you and have a lot in common. When just seeing them makes you smile...


You are not feeling love for your husband. It sounds like you are "working" on this out of mere obligation. You are doing neither of you any favors with this. My suggestion to you would be to go ahead and divorce him.


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