# Lost in confusion and Fading FAST!



## inzzane (Aug 22, 2009)

Hello all, great site. I'm glad I found one where I may get some advice. The past few months have been bad. The past week has been HELL. I hope somebody can help out before it's too late.

I met wife 6 years ago. Been married 5. Her son, 18, and daughter, 16. 

My issues. Work 15 hrs daily, 7 days. Don't talk much. Avoids conflict. Poor communicator. Straight to the point (usually). Hard to read emotions, and don't know how to show them. I wasn't raised that way. 
Capable of Excessive rage (very rare) (even though I wouldn't hurt her or the kids).

Her issue. 
Everything appeared to be going well until 2009. We had ups and downs like others do.
She had Endometriosis, and we went through a couple years of surgeries to get it removed, as well as her medicating excessively during those years. But we made it through it all, and it all worked out. Early this year she's had her uterus removed, and it's fixed now. As she seems to feel better, the worse off we get.

Past few months: 
Night before my birthday, 2 months ago, she tells me she wants to separate and suggests counseling. I told her I didn't like the idea and was shocked she would mention it. On counseling, we couldn't even pay all of our bills. I should have said, yea, let's do it or find a way to do it and pay our bills.

Day after, she says she doesn't know what she meant to say (what does that mean?) and that she doesn't want separation, that we just need to communicate on the things that are most fulfilling in our relationship. (what does that mean?) . 
My job is 15+ hrs a day, 7 days a week at this time. She tells me that I don't spend enough time with her doing the things that she likes to do. I tell her that in August (The next month) I can take time off, and will make sure to get less hours scheduled so that we can go out together and do those things she enjoys.

A week later, she's sending pics of new houses she's looking into and would like us to buy. 

2nd week, she begins disappearing on the weekends. Always out of town. Leaves Saturday every time "expecting" to come back the same night. Every time returns the following day. 4 times now in 2 months.

August shows up. I get off work extremely early every day. Wife's not around on any day. Now that we have the time, she shows up at 11PM. I'm home by 2PM or 3. Sometimes she doesn't come home. She's at a girlfriends house.

BTW, she normally works from home.

Now she claims she's changed, and sees a different focus. The arguments she bring up are years old. Even ones I considered small and had forgotten about. 

She claims I don't show enough emotion. She's right, or just doesn't read me well enough. I'm not the type of man that will cry. I never have been, and don't know how to. I don't know what she means by shows enough emotions.

Now she's bringing up separation again. We can't afford it. If we separate, we have to separate to different states. I don't even know the difference between separation and divorce. Especially at that distance.

So we're on the verge of all this mess, and trying to decide on staying together, separation, divorce, etc...

I come home from work one day and open the daughters door, to find her completely naked and *ON* a boy! 

Did I mention my rare problem with rage  recently.

Let's just say the boy was lucky he did not die. He did get slapped around a bit, and daughter received a "very light" slap to the face during the removal of the boy. All in all, I was actually extremely proud of the fact that I had held back and did not crush any bones or put this kid in the hospital.

Now, I'm to blame for being violent. 
I'm the one that made this scenario worse.

Can you see where this is all going without dragging on this post? Can anybody identify? Anybody know how to help?

Is there any way in hell to save this marriage? Or am I just screwed?

I'm really worried that I'm just screwed and about to lose them all...


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

First of all, I think it is extremely difficult to forge a good relationship when you never see your spouse. Can you get a different job? Is work a higher priority than family life?

Secondly, I think a daughter at age 16 needs a little privacy. Although, it is good to be protective of her, what are the ground rules that her mother and you have established? Is it no boyfriends in the bedroom? When I first read your story, I thought you caught your wife cheating. That would have followed logically. 

Those are just my thoughts. Welcome to the forum.


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Hi and welcome to the forum. Your problem has many aspects and gets about as complicated as my own drama. I know all those things when lumped together can be overwhelming. You guys really need counseling. Do you have a minister or priest who could help? I've found church/faith to be a safe port in the storm.

Is there a chance your wife is seeing someone else? When my husband began running off like that, there was another person. Once there is someone else, it is very hard to even get them to talk about saving a marriage.

I know it must have been hard to walk in on that scene with the 16 year old step-daughter. However, over reacting is not going to solve any problems. I agree it was wrong. But, please try to handle these crisis calmly. Like it or not the step-daughter is sexually active now. Just make sure she is having "protected" sex--before there is more conflict in your family.

And finally, read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Find out what your wife's love language really is. Also, find out what you must have to feel loved. Try to get your wife to read the book also.

Hang in there!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the other posters. I know that in Aug. you've been able to come home early. However, if your marriage is going to work or be under construction....you are going to have to be there. 

Obviously, your W feels neglected and unhappy. My H is emotionally shallow...I call it or superficial. Not deep. He used to be a happy go lucky guy since I'v known him when he was age 16. A year ago, after some events occured at work and with our son, he turned into an angry, negative, painfilled guy. He didn't know what to do with his feelings....everything came out in anger or pain. I've never seen him cry.

You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. As difficult, as this may be...tell her what you would like to see from the relationship. ASk her what she would like. Listen and respond. Marriage counseling is expensive...so is divorce. If you can't afford it..there are options: Call your local university/college and see if they have a counseling/psychology dept. They often have clinical places that their intern students practice free counseling. Also, of course a church pastor. Some counselors even do pro bono work (many do but don't advertise). And lastly, look for your mental health center (may be county run or state run)...they often have resources in which are available at sliding scale/free.

You need to take some action in your marriage.

If your wife refuses counseling, then you go for yourself. It's helpful to get insight and vent and discuss things about yourself. At the very least read self help books. 

Deal with your rage. No matter how frequent or the reason. That will destroy a relationship really quick. Do you think your step daughter will respect you? She's is embarrassed and mad. Yep. What she did was wrong, but smacking her and her friend solved nothing.


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Unfortunately there is a pretty good chance she has already turned to someone else. Find a way to get her into councelling. If she wont go chances are she is through anyways and maybe its time to pull the plug.

Im sorry man. No one wants to hear that.

Keep in mind however that all we can do is make an educated guess. Could we be wrong YES! Make sure you do everything you can to get to the bottom of this before giving up. Maybe take some time to pick up some books that will help you with any issues you have.

Chances are if she sees you working on yourself, she may have a change of heart.

Good luck.


----------



## pollyanne (Sep 21, 2009)

You wife is crying out for attention! she is doing everything she can to provoke a reaction (I know i am married to a man like you) tell her she was the best thing that ever happened to you, that you cant live without her, that shes the love of your life! She wants you to want her. Dont blame the fact 'well she knows what i'm like'. make a big effort and speak from the heart cos if you dont it's going to be too late! Best of luck


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I cannot imagine how you'd expect to have any type of family life, working 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Whatever it takes--selling off all your assets, etc--get to a lifestyle you can afford on a much more reasonable schedule. This isn't about your marriage only; it's about YOU. What are your priorities? What's good for you/your health and happiness? Start thinking about that and you'll see that your work schedule is truly insane--irrational, makes no sense. 

As you start looking at yourself and try to become something more than a work machines, ask your wife to join you in counseling and/or reading about marriage or watching a dvd series/book on tape, whatever. The sooner you start trying to repair the damage, the better.

I suspect your wife has already checked out on you--how could you stay connected if you were never there? Maybe you can recapture it--but getting yourself into a fuller life is important regardless of what happens with the marriage, so don't neglect that either! Good luck.


----------

