# Long talk with hubby



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I have been in a rather sexless marriage. Usually once a month. I'm the wife and my hubby has a very low sex drive. We've been together for 14 years and the sex has always been very low. I have stayed with him for many reasons, mainly because I do love him, he is a good honest man. We also have two kids, and I don't want to drag them through a divorce. But the lack of sex in our marriage has been very, very painful. The rejection, the loneliness, the not feel like you are good enough for your spouse...all of those feelings have been very hard to deal with. 

I have tried talking to him about it and it usually ends in a verbal fight. He thinks he isn't all that unusual, he thinks I'm the one who is over sexed...

Well we talked for a long, long time last night without it ending in a fight. It boiled down to he feels that he needs to keep a tight check on all his emotions, and what he calls his "baser instincts" i.e. sex. He thinks that he needs to over-ride his desire for sex, that sex makes him feel like an animal. That his--and humans--ability to control their sex life makes him better than animals. He also feels that he does not dare lose control of his emotions due to the fact that he went through several years of military special forces training (green beret). 

I don't really know what to do. I don't know if we have made some improvement, or if maybe this is a warning sign that the marriage is beyond saving. I don't know how to approach this. In a way I can understand the fear of losing control of one's emotions, but I don't know how to help him with this. I don't think having a healthy sex life will cause him to snap. I think he needs professional help to get through this, but he won’t go. He says at this point in his life he does not want to change and thinks it is unfair for me to want him to change.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

sailorgirl said:


> It boiled down to he feels that he needs to keep a tight check on all his emotions, and what he calls his "baser instincts" i.e. sex. He thinks that he needs to over-ride his desire for sex, that sex makes him feel like an animal. That his--and humans--ability to control their sex life makes him better than animals. He also feels that he does not dare lose control of his emotions due to the fact that he went through several years of military special forces training (green beret).


That rings alarm bells for me. What is so 'base' about wanting to have sex with your wife? I would also be worried about why he feels the need to be so self-controlled. 

He should at least give try to compromise if he knows it is hurting you. Can you not make that clear to him?


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I suggest you read David Schnarch's marriage/sex books, which focus on each partner's sense of self and the connection made possible between them, rather than technique. So he is hiding and afraid to reveal himself. 

So the question to me would not be about sex, but whether I want to live with a man who is emotionally unavailable and refuses to change that.

A month ago, I gave my H the choice between opening himself up to me, or I would leave. I even had the appointment made with the mediation center. He did a 180 degree, because he saw I meant it. 

The people in our life only change when we change. So when I meant that I would leave (it was not a threat and he knew it), he made the change. But I did not care - I was ready to leave. Another of my friends went through the same thing, and then her H agreed to counseling.

It's all what you choose to put up with.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sailorgirl said:


> It boiled down to he feels that he needs to keep a tight check on all his emotions, and what he calls his "baser instincts" i.e. sex. He thinks that he needs to over-ride his desire for sex, that sex makes him feel like an animal. That his--and humans--ability to control their sex life makes him better than animals.


 Sounds like the mindset of a Preist or a MONK, not a healthy married man! This is not fair to you, he is being very selfish. You are dependent for him and solely him for your sexual needs.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Whats wrong with sometimes having animalistic sex. It's wonderful and satisfying. So what if he looses his emotions you are his wife. Does he think if he just lets go he will be weak. He is cheating not only you, but himself out of great sex.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> I suggest you read David Schnarch's marriage/sex books, which focus on each partner's sense of self and the connection made possible between them, rather than technique. So he is hiding and afraid to reveal himself.
> 
> So the question to me would not be about sex, but whether I want to live with a man who is emotionally unavailable and refuses to change that.
> 
> ...



Same thing happened with me and husband two weeks ago, and he also has been making changes. It is slow and steady, but it is happening. After 15 years of marriage, and I'm finding out things about him I never knew because he feared to reveal things to me. He's allowing emotions to show that he has kept hidden.

And I LOVE HIM even more. I love all the new stuff about my husband.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

sailorgirl said:


> I have been in a rather sexless marriage. Usually once a month. I'm the wife and my hubby has a very low sex drive. We've been together for 14 years and the sex has always been very low. I have stayed with him for many reasons, mainly because I do love him, he is a good honest man. We also have two kids, and I don't want to drag them through a divorce. But the lack of sex in our marriage has been very, very painful. The rejection, the loneliness, the not feel like you are good enough for your spouse...all of those feelings have been very hard to deal with.
> 
> I have tried talking to him about it and it usually ends in a verbal fight. He thinks he isn't all that unusual, he thinks I'm the one who is over sexed...
> 
> ...


Your husband sounds he's having a low testosterone. 

Does he suffer from ecrectile dysfuction? 

Most men would try to hide their menhood problems by saying feeble emotional excues and avoiding having sex with you. (They're very afraid that women found out they're becoming impotent.)

Men with a good level of testosterone MUST have sex with women often. There's no way to stop them! If they don't have enough sexual attention from their wives, they're very painful.

Instead of listening to his excues, ask him to do a Testosterone blood test. Let the numbers talk.

Stop guessing around and fighting for nothing.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

The "base" thing is probably one of those societal effect thingies. For example, we tell ourselves that we are better (higher?) than animals because we can override our instincts, think logically, etc etc. We are derided if we go with these instincts (high impulsivity - one of the many criterion for various mental illnesses). Then at the same time, they tell us to embrace our sexuality which is yet another impulse. 

So it goes without saying that there are going to be confused people here - how can we resist our impulses yet selectively choose which ones to allow? If we give in to sexual impulses, does that not make us no better than the animals who do the same? If we grow up easily resisting impulses then quite obviously we are going to have problems in the sex department because that is just another impulse we have learned to overcome. I think you start to do it automatically after having done it all your life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask him if he is prepared to keep his emotions in check to the point of losing you.

You have respected his need for emotional control.

He should respect your need for emotional expression.

What the hell did he think marriage was supposed to be?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

How much jerking off does he do? Do you know what he fantasizes about? I would guess no, given what you've shared. Nevertheless, the issue might not be drive per se, but as Sara Ann suggests, might be a man who is hiding.

While I'm not sure I would spark a major confrontation, I certainly would try to get him out of hiding. All this nonsense of mastering base or animal instincts sounds dodgy to me. I admit of course that I don't know the situation at all, but it just sounds like an elaborate wall around emotions and vulnerabilities. In my experience, tough guys have been especially cowardly in dealing with emotional pain and/or vulnerable areas like sex. 

To make it safer for him to speak up and start dealing with this, you might try reassuring him that you want to invite him into your marital bed, not pressure him to be there. Perhaps you might talk about wants, wishes, hopes, desires, even fantasies you've had. Mostly, I think your husband probably needs to be reassured that you're not leaving and you're not settling, either... and perhaps ask him, "if you knew that absolutely nothing bad would happen to you if you opened up to me about what you want in your sex life, what would you say?" 

You might also talk about a time when you shared something really, really scary and it turned out okay... just as a lead-in to asking him to share something substantially less scary with you, such as what he is afraid would happen if he gave in a little bit to those animal instincts.

By the way, if I couldn't be completely animal from time to time, I would eventually become completely animal all the time. That's just me, though.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Nevermind his emotional excuse it could be deep dark sexual desires or fetish related i know if my W was not accepting of mine i too would be distant, maybe its a door he fear you might be ashamed of if you open it... Talk about sex randomly rent some vids see what get his attention...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Your husband sounds he's having a low testosterone.
> 
> Does he suffer from ecrectile dysfuction?
> 
> ...


He had blood work done about 3 years ago and the doctor said it was normal. He said he would do blood work again and talk to his doctor about it, but that was 2 months ago and he keeps putting it off. He says he believes he is normal and I'm the one with an abnormal sex drive.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> The "base" thing is probably one of those societal effect thingies. For example, we tell ourselves that we are better (higher?) than animals because we can override our instincts, think logically, etc etc. We are derided if we go with these instincts (high impulsivity - one of the many criterion for various mental illnesses). Then at the same time, they tell us to embrace our sexuality which is yet another impulse.
> 
> So it goes without saying that there are going to be confused people here - how can we resist our impulses yet selectively choose which ones to allow? If we give in to sexual impulses, does that not make us no better than the animals who do the same? If we grow up easily resisting impulses then quite obviously we are going to have problems in the sex department because that is just another impulse we have learned to overcome. I think you start to do it automatically after having done it all your life.


I think this is my husband in a nut shell. He was taught all his life that sex was dirty, and animal like and he should be better. His mom wanted him to go into the clergy for years. He has never willing attended church in the 15 years that I have known him, but I think he still has these religious ideals that he has just put a secular face on. Like the sex.

I'm starting to feel that this whole thing is hopeless. How can I help him overcome it, when he doesn't think it is something he needs to overcome?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

It is difficult to overcome deap-seated learning from childhood - no matter how 'rational' you become as an adult, I think it stays with you. Perhaps some professional councelling could help him address it, and deal with it in a more satisfactory way? With your help, of course.


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