# Secrets/omissions/lying



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife has been checking up on me, wondering what I'm doing, I SMS her that I'm ACTUALLY working (not - quiet ass day, I just get off my ass from time to time to make sure no one is slacking too much lol), she didn't believe me (she knows when it's quiet days, I should stop telling her!!! lol), so I told her I'm watching youtube! I also use other lines like "missing you", "thinking about you" which is probably the only truthful crap that comes out of me when she checks up on me.

But in truth, I'm on TAM whining about her lol (She knows I come on here and that she's forbidden, still, she complains if she knows I'm on here too much)

... is this bad? I don't get how couples can be so transparent with each other, or if it's even possible!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maybe, while you are there you could type or write a few things down that you learned from TAM. When you two have time alone, sit down and talk and hand it to her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... that can stop her complaining I guess, relive me of some guilt as well. Or that could make her just slap me across the head with the paper, telling me that I'm thinking too much again lol

Meh, might as well, if anything just for shyts and giggles, I'm BORED AS FK AT WORK, might take on a new project but I can't think of sh-t and it's the slow season before xmas lol


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well good luck. Didn't think about you getting slapped.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I don't get how couples can be so transparent with each other, or if it's even possible!


It's possible but it takes a whole lot more than what you've got in your marriage.

There are two key ingredients that you are lacking.

1) your freedom

2) safety

You are not free to tell the truth (she can't handle it) nor are you free to live your life as you see fit, therefore you can't be transparent and you are forced to hide. It's not safe to be who you are (she will punish you for it) therefore you must lie.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It actually happens alot lol

A few posts come straight to mind actually, might be a bit hard-hitting for her though, I try to "control" what I throw at her nowadays, maybe I'll just show her the funny sides of TAM so she won't think of this forum as my "brain fixing" forum all the time

@Mavash

So I'm... justified? 

I never saw it that way, whenever transparency comes up I always think that it's something I don't have in my marriage and it's because of me etc etc (well, my wife is transparent... me, not so much)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @Mavash
> 
> So I'm... justified?
> 
> I never saw it that way, whenever transparency comes up I always think that it's something I don't have in my marriage and it's because of me etc etc (well, my wife is transparent... me, not so much)


Yes you are justified. 

How do you think I know this? I used to be a lot like your wife and my husband is like you.

I seriously just like in the past 3 weeks got my husband to open up and be fully transparent to me (I've been working on this for the past TWO YEARS) And how I did it was I set him free and I became a safe person for him. I've been studying NMMNG. 

He now says he feels fully accepted by me, says he feels free and that he can tell me anything. Before? No way I would have absolutely punished, judged or gotten angry at him if he said or did something I didn't like. 

So do I blame him for hiding and lying to me? Nope. He was simply doing what he had to do to protect himself from me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Interesting because this came up in marriage counseling last week.

The question is honest vs open. I am honest with my wife. If she asks, I answer truthfully. About 50% of the time, that causes headaches, and I'm not talking about "do these pants make me look fat?" questions and answers but regular married couple questions.

Because of this, I'm not always open with my wife. I view it as not giving her more opportunity to complain about something I did, even though it's not worth complaining about.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> my wife is transparent


From my new vantage point I'm going to argue no she isn't transparent.

She doesn't show you her pain, her vulnerability, her fears, etc. Nope she wants to rug sweep, escape via sex, avoid facing herself, etc. She lies to herself more than she lies to you and she's not even aware of it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, she shows me all her internet history, phone messages, etc etc
I don't show her my internet history, so in that regard, she is...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I don't get how couples can be so transparent with each other, or if it's even possible!





> *Mavash said*: I seriously just like in the past 3 weeks got my husband to open up and be fully transparent to me (I've been working on this for the past TWO YEARS) And how I did it was I set him free
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 THIS is so on the money!! I think your wife needs to have a chat with Mavash here - a true success story...a woman changed, therefore her husband changed as well. :smthumbup: 

I am all for Transparency...you know this Random Dude.... BUT it takes 2 people who see the value in bringing forth our innermost thoughts & feelings at their roots.. whatever that is...no matter how dark, difficult, hard to hear.... we vow to care enough, respect each other enough to not hide, not lie....but also to not expect perfection (how very important this is!)....we must be that SAFE Haven , Approachable in all things...being offended, getting angry, never allowing our spouse to live something uttered down -this will destroy it real fast. 

Such people must shed... their nit picking to nauseum tendencies ....understand it's OK to feel differently on a subject, it doesn't make us bad people....There is no place for blame shifting/ grudge holding / an unforgiving spirit if the other is truly sorry for an offense / and one must have enough self reflection to own their own faults before their spouse -and in an argument.

Sometimes the fight is not worth your marriage...we must compromise. 

Without those behaviors worked out ..a 100% transparency is just not worth the hassle ... Even when one spouse may want this....they don't feel like becoming a Masochist to achieve it. As in all things.... it takes 2 . 

My husband has always made this rather easy for me....He understands human nature very well & damn he is easy to talk too.... Love him dearly for this, I don't think we would have lasted if I had be real selective in what I share lest world war 3 would start. I don't know how people can walk on those egg shells. That would be foreign to us. 

If this is what happens when you are honest







...you're not going to want to be put back in the flames. 

But on your end, maybe you can garner some Tact in your honesty too... we don't need to be rude and hurtful to our spouses either, if we are strugging with something, there is a time & place to open up - be vulnerable like that. On the really sensitive subjects...we all have them.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> From my new vantage point I'm going to argue no she isn't transparent.
> 
> She doesn't show you her pain, her vulnerability, her fears, etc. Nope she wants to rug sweep, escape via sex, avoid facing herself, etc. She lies to herself more than she lies to you and she's not even aware of it.


Yup. And her nymphomania has everything to do with this.  

She is insecure and feels by screwing you constantly you won't leave her because it's the only language she knows.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Random, how in the heck to you forbid her to come on here? 

If I hide my activity on TAM, she considers that deceitful. If I delete my old posts, that's hiding things. Since my posts were discovered, I am completely untrustworthy.


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