# new relationship question



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I've become close with an old acquaintance, someone I used to have a crush on but was too chicken to make a move on. We were not very close at all before, and over the years have lead our own lives. Recently we've reconnected, and are both unattached at the moment, and have been spending a lot of time together, even had a "friendly" valentines date, where i worked up the nerve to tell her I was and am attracted to her. She said she was hoping to not give out the wrong signals, and that she is not ready for romance... we got to chatting and I apparently did so good a job of being a chicken and repressing my desires that she thought I didn't even like her. So we blew past that issue, and she knows differently now, and since then has said she isn't ready but that she is open to her own readiness changing.

Since then we've been hanging out a lot, have talked about everything, I blab on and on and she listens and shares some of her thoughts... I'm firmly in friendzone territory, which is where she made it clear was the only place for me at the time. And I thought I'd be comfortable there because sex is the last thing on my mind when I'm around her, but I'm finding myself so drawn to her, want to flirt, and show her affection and am craving physical touch (not sex, just contact).

And I get the sense that she doesn't want me in the friend zone, she is initiating all kinds of ideas for things for us to do together and she seems to be as addicted as I am in each other's presence, but a part of me also feels like I'm draining her energy - yesterday we visited and I had something to do and she suggested we informally get together afterwards, but then after she said she wasn't feeling well and just wanted to have a sleep. She works shifts and her sleep schedule is unique, so I didn't take it personally, but I can't help but feel I'm draining her energy which is totally not what I want to do.

I was about to send her a short message asking if everything is ok, and to call me to chat when she has some free time, but I don't want to make any more drama than necessary, but I'm not sure what to do. My senses tell me I'm doing something wrong but I have no clue what the appropriate course of action is (do I escalate or do I back off). I feel like her actions are telling me to pursue, and I want to escalate, but her words on Valentine's day shut that right down so if I did she would say I was not listening and I would feel very selfish.

You will all tell me to stop thinking so much, and my friend would too. but then how do you choose the right course of action?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

We'll need to see pics of her before we can advise...



C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

speaking as someone who worked his way out of the friendzone to becoming my wife's husband....slowly amp up the touching when you interact. Touch her arm, hug when you greet her, kiss her cheek, put your arm around her when it feels right and eventually hold her hand, etc. She'll let you know via body language if it isn't wanted.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> We'll need to see pics of her before we can advise...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She is very very cute, to me is and always has been absolutely gorgeous, inside and out - very beautiful face, and heartmelting smile. She is overweight, by a significant amount, but when I look at her it doesn't even really register. I've seen a few unflattering photos, as everyone has, but she is short, small framed and well proportioned, her curves are appealing. I've debated with myself on whether it is fair for me to pursue anything with her because I don't know if those looks will always do it for me, but then I'm specifically not looking for a permanent relationship, and also as long as I've known her (over a decade) her looks are still appealing. I just want to get closer.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> speaking as someone who worked his way out of the friendzone to becoming my wife's husband....slowly amp up the touching when you interact. Touch her arm, hug when you greet her, kiss her cheek, put your arm around her when it feels right and eventually hold her hand, etc. She'll let you know via body language if it isn't wanted.


there has already been a little contact, we've shared a blanket on the couch and I even massaged her feet for her, but I had a chance to do it again the other day and I was reluctant because of my confusion. We were walking and she slipped, I caught her (totally alpha ) and we seemed to hold the embrace a little longer than necessary.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Dammit all of the good ones aren't even in driving distance. 

Just keep upping in a little. She may be wondering what's taking you so long.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Dammit all of the good ones aren't even in driving distance.
> 
> Just keep upping in a little. She may be wondering *what's taking you so long*.


The fact that she told me to slow it right down could be it. Maybe she is beginning to realize I'm the most patient man on earth, but right now even that isn't helping me.

I finally just texted her a friendly "hello, hope your day is good" told her to let me know if she has time to chat today. It's making me nervous, and nerves prevent me from being a good listener, I miss all kinds of important details when I'm nervous.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Yeah touch her more, better yet get her out of her comfort zone. Get her to your house and find a way to give her a 'friendly' massage. She won't be able to resist you afterwards. Cook dinner for her or something. Ask her if she wants to come watch a movie. Pick a good romantic one. 

Its better you make a move and get turned down then to not make one at all. Most women like a man to be confident and in control. Its a huge turn on. Don't ask, try. And don't ever say 'Sorry' if you don't succeed. Just say you are so attracted to her right now you couldn't help yourself. Or something like that, but don't over apologize for being yourself.

From how you describe her she sounds like a wonderful women. Don't let weight be a issue with you. You find her attractive now and down the line you might find you like her the way she is. A great personality is extremely attractive. And if she is fun in bed and can be openly seductive that is a huge turn on. There are many other traits that can be extremely attractive as well.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Could she be a little nervous about the physical part because of her weight?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm not really great at being in control.

She is a little self-conscious of her weight and more so her physical abilities ever since she injured her back a number of years ago. But she can keep up with me walking, and her job is somewhat physical.

So we are to talk here in a few minutes and I'm not sure how deep I want to go with the conversation.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Work on being in control. You can do it Lon. Its just a state of mind. You have desires here obviously because you expressed them. Don't be afraid to act on them. Its not going to end your friendship if you start slowly trying more and more. Don't be afraid of rejection. You are just being who you are. A man. Like I said if it doesn't work just say you couldn't help yourself or that you find her so attractive you couldn't control yourself. Its the truth is it not? 

I'd say if she let you massage her feet she has no problem with you touching her elsewhere. Like Enjoliwomen said: She may be waiting for you to make more moves. if you don't she might find that unattractive, if you do it might ignite a passion in her for you. 

Obviously she likes you or she wouldn't spend time with you. Make her feel better about her self. Compliment her, but try and stay out of just the friend zone. She may be unsure and if you act like a 'nice guy' friend all the time you will get stuck in that zone. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. We all do.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I called and chatted, and I feel like a failure (yet not, also have a lot of satisfaction from the conversation, it really is so nice to have someone whom is a real part of my life listen to me, and for me to listen to)... I tried bringing up this one thing, but would have been more effective if I waited until in person. I feel completely open with her about my thoughts except I'm afraid to dwell on the parts about me being attracted to her, she is giving off the "not ready" vibe. So I feel like I'm being deceiptful, even though there is nothing I'm really hiding from her... I guess the only thing I haven't made clear is just how strong my attraction for her is - I did a niceguy thing and told her right when I admitted my "attraction" to her that if she wants friendship I understand and I'd want that too, but that I just want to see where things go and not label anything. But it seems in practice maybe the label she has is really just "platonic", where as I want to explore beyond just the platonic. And she also admitted her concern that, especially after divorce, I am too analytical about certain things and not honest about relationships, that I may be a little jaded, and that is true to a certain extent but that doesn't mean I paint people with it.

I'm honestly not trying to bed her, it's not really about that for me at all, I just am really craving touch, especially her powerfully healing one, and I'm so close I can taste it, I'm not looking way down the road, I'm just trying to live in the moment and in the moment I will simply become frustrated with myself if I don't somehow make it clear that I can't go on "just" having deep intimate talks. But I also don't want to lose that. Argh why am I so fricken complicated.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Oh babes....if I lived about 5000 miles in that direction I'd come and b*tchslap you all over the place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Lon im confused, so is she open to being with you in a relationship in the future, but just not now because you are recently divorced? or she is not attracted to you in that way and only wants to be friends?

If she is not attracted to you in that way then you will most likely remain in the "friends zone". I myself have had to end several friendships with guys because they wanted more and I only liked them as friends and they had a hard time keeping "friend only boundaries"


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Mightve just been that time-o-the-month....
Mixed signals...

Just go with the flow,,, as they say..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

We chatted on phone for many hours yesterday... I'm confused too, but when we're in contact any confusion just fades away. When I act more flirty or fun she is completely receptive to it and reciprocates. I think maybe a part of her is exactly where I am, longing first for a close connection but open to more, just not too much more too soon. I am pretty sure she'd be responsive to my touch as long as I am being real about it and not trying to push it into a sexual direction, and I think if we just go with each other and it falls into something more physical neither of us would want to barricade it.

I don't think its a friendzone relationship, it is more special than that for both of us and I'm pretty sure that there is an underlying mutual sexual attraction and it's my own doubt that is governing the pace of things. I want it to be our mutual desires that governs it.

So thanks for the bytch slap Dolly!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Honestly Lon, listen to Dolly! She's scared of getting hurt, so are you, you're being cautious but have a tendency to overthink

Just let nature take its course (but DON'T slow it down by endlessly analysing the nuances of every conversation). If she didn't like you she'd have kicked you into the long grass by now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's some thoughts that I wanted to say, but didn't want to type out on my phone... 

First off, I have a particular body "type" that I find most attractive. But none of the women I've ever been with have been that type. Yet I still have found them sexually desireable because there's much more to sex than just the external appearance. Having said that, my GF probably is heavier than I would have seriously considered if we were meeting for the first time, but she's still one of the most incredible lovers I've ever had, and the most fun sexually. And she's very pretty, to boot. So I'll keep her around... 

Second... With said GF. One thing that I found when I started seeing women after my marriage ended was that I really really suck at reading body languages. Well, I knew that before, but it became more of an issue when you're on a date with someone, and don't know if you should take their hand, give them a kiss, or whatever... So one of my female friends drilled into my head that when in doubt, given my past, it was a good idea to take a chance. I did that with my GF, on our first date. We had chatted for awhile, and things got quite heated before we ever met. But I still had to consciously force myself to touch her while we were at dinner together. And one of the things she told me later was that if I hadn't done that, it might have made for a very different ending to our relationship. Shy/nice guys do not often get the girls. 

So just saying... If I was you, I'd keep things to just having fun. But keep up the physical contact; whatever she'll let you get away with. Skin on skin will get you in!

C


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Looking like a grown up, respectful FWB in formation to me since you and she both seem hesitant about anything long term or exclusive. 

I do NOT suggest you escalate at your place. I would suggest you escalate frequently in neutral territory and her place so she feels more "safe" and comfortable to lightly reject if it goes past her current comfort zone. 

Beyond being thoughtful that way I suggest you escalate by asking if you can kiss her for example. Then follow with another small escalation and see how many bases you can reach before she calls the game for rain. 

LOL

Good luck Lon


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Wasnt trying to bag on women earlier, just saying that the signals could have been affected by something completely benign and outside the 2 of you... Over analyzing sucks, I am party to way too much of it myself.

Regarding a "respectable FWB" situation,,, doesnt that mean she could have FWB situations with other men, thus increasing competition (for lack of a better word)? Does that bother anyone else?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Wasnt trying to bag on women earlier, just saying that the signals could have been affected by something completely benign and outside the 2 of you... *Over analyzing sucks*, I am party to way too much of it myself.
> 
> Regarding a "respectable FWB" situation,,, doesnt that mean she could have FWB situations with other men, thus increasing competition (for lack of a better word)? Does that bother anyone else?


Yes overanalyzing kind of sucks, on the other had I found out that my brain really turns her on. As for competition, I am not worried at all, she seems to be smitten with me and I her and each of us just wants one good one. My overanalyzing seems to be governing me a lot right now, and thus I am controlling the temperature of the relationship, and I want it hot but so cautious to not get burned. It got hot last night, but now I wonder if I didn't let it get hot enough, oi... where is the switch to turn off the overthinking, and is there something I can take to trust myself to go on autopilot like that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lon said:


> Yes overanalyzing kind of sucks, on the other had I found out that my brain really turns her on. As for competition, I am not worried at all at this point, she seems to be smitten with me and I her, but my overanalyzing seems to be governing me a lot right now, and thus I am controlling the temperature of the relationship, and I want it hot but so cautious to not get burned. It got kinda hot last night, but now my concern is that I didn't let it get hot enough, oi... where is the switch to turn off the overthinking, and is there something I can take to trust myself to go on autopilot like that?


Booze.

C


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Just remember Women like confidence. You may not feel overly confident, but just fake it. And your right. Over analyzing will kill any confidence you have because your playing it all over and over in your mind 'If I do this, she may do this or that, but if I don't do this' etc etc.

Just follow your instincts and tell your brain to shut up once in a while. 

If she likes you she is not going to turn and run if you make a mistake or go to far. She will just let you know to stop, either by telling you or making a gesture.

[email protected]

Booze would help, but too much could have the opposite effect. You make a fool of yourself or go too far. Or worse she decides to go all the way and you can't perform. lol


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: new relationship question*



NoWhere said:


> Just remember Women like confidence. You may not feel overly confident, but just fake it. And your right. Over analyzing will kill any confidence you have because your playing it all over and over in your mind 'If I do this, she may do this or that, but if I don't do this' etc etc.
> 
> Just follow your instincts and tell your brain to shut up once in a while.
> 
> ...


sharing a bottle of wine certainly lubed things up 

I definitely didn't go too far for her, I sensed she was all in if that is what I wanted, but my ability to perform was something I wasnt ready to try out yet. I'm the one that slowed it down, and I think it is driving her a little crazy (mostly good I hope)

I think I'm going to just have to let go of this thread so I don't stay distracted, I got what I needed from it: just a little self confidence. You have all helped a lot so thank you to all


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> ... we got to chatting and I apparently did so good a job of being a chicken and repressing my desires that she thought I didn't even like her.


Love this. So much.  

Now this: 



Lon said:


> She said she was hoping to not give out the wrong signals, and that she is not ready for romance?


She is definitely sending mixed signals. Cause she is hanging with you and etiher she likes the attention and doesn't want anything romantic (read: relationship) with you OR she is slowly coming around to you.

You will have to revisit this topic with her. You know, when you're not both high from making out and kissing. 

Either way, I am glad you have a crush. It's fun.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> sharing a bottle of wine certainly lubed things up


so to speak


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Found myself having that internal conversation about what to do next. You know the conversation.

Out of the blue, I told myself "take what you want", the answer I got back from my lady was YES!

I got what I wanted all right, affection, passion, joy, all the good stuff I thought I could never have again!

Take what you want people and you might find out your partner wants the same thing.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I like that, take what you want. Everyone tells me I am crazy to communicate with my ex, but I want to. And he responds, so where is the problem? I am not ready for a new relationship, too many unresolved issues from the old one, too busy at work, too many friendships to maintain, etc. I wouldn't mind a little touching though! Maybe I will go for it!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

stillhoping said:


> I like that, take what you want. Everyone tells me I am crazy to communicate with my ex, but I want to. And he responds, so where is the problem? I am not ready for a new relationship, too many unresolved issues from the old one, too busy at work, too many friendships to maintain, etc. I wouldn't mind a little touching though! Maybe I will go for it!


Nothing wrong with communicating with people you were once close to. My friend whom I'm pursuing and I have started navigating a few things and I think we have a lot to learn from each other, one thing I am becoming more open to is having the underlying friendship remain solid if the sexual attraction doesn't hold. Maybe that is too close to friend zone for some, but it's because I'm not just looking for someone physically attractive to have sex with, I'm looking for an affectionate and intimate opposite sex friendship.

But affection breeds closeness, and he is your ex for a reason isn't he? What are your expectations? "Take what you want" works when the other person likes to stick around to have those things taken, and can also take from you what you offer. But you can't ignore the things you know to be true about someone.


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