# Doing 180...but he isn't around to see it



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My husband left 2 weeks ago, and I have been doing really well taking care of myself (spending time with friends, family, working on projects, etc.) Doing the "fake it til I make it" thing and doing my best to go through my feelings, not around them. I want to reconcile with my husband, but he does not call or reach out in any way, and as we don't have separate groups of friends, I know he has no idea about the positive changes I am making in terms of attitude, behavior and such. I realize that 2 weeks is an incredibly short time, but I want to start MC before he decides he won't come to the table. I know that doing the 180 is really about healing myself, but how can I let him know that I am in a good place? I imagine he thinks I am moping around the house, eating ice cream and crying. Who would want to reconcile with that? (And it couldn't be further from the truth!)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are wanting to reconcile then you need to let him know that you are doing well, etc. You can call him and have a cheerful conversation with him. Don't ask him for anything. Just cheerfully check in on him and tell him about all the fun things you are doing.

He left 2 weeks ago, if you cut him off and do not talk to him how are you going to let him know that you want to reconcile?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

He won't take my calls. I tried a few times and then stopped because I didn't want to seem pushy or needy. Today I left him voicemail saying that we need to talk about bills (he is unemployed so when he left I got stuck with all of the bills, and I don't make enough to pay them all so if he doesn't get back to me I'll have to cancel his health insurance, cell phone, etc. Then he really won't be able to hear from me!)

He already knows that I want to reconcile...I stupidly called and texted a number of times (not crying or begging, but "hi how are you" kinda stuff.) A few days ago I came home from work and he has taken all of his stuff. I called the friend he is staying with and asked her to ask him to call me...he didn't, but when I called him a while later, he answered. I said I needed to come talk to him, and he begrudgingly said ok, so I met him for 20 minutes and said we could either divorce or work on things, what the heck did he want?! He said to work on things. He said we'd talk the next day, but he didn't get in touch and now a few days later, I feel like he is just saying this stuff because I'm paying his bills.

I will stop paying his bills, and see if he calls. I just don't know how to show him that I'm not doing it to be vindictive, i'm just protecting myself.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Stop paying bills. Start moving on. He is trying to string you along for as long as possible to have what he wants, which is the security of marriage [you paying the bills] and his freedom. Is there another woman involved?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

ing said:


> Stop paying bills. Start moving on. He is trying to string you along for as long as possible to have what he wants, which is the security of marriage [you paying the bills] and his freedom. Is there another woman involved?


No OW that I am aware of. We have been arguing a lot for months...he is irresponsible and I criticize constantly. Not fun for either of us, but we do love each other. As far as I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Your 180 should be to STOP CALLING and completely leave him alone from now on. You know you'll hear from him sooner or later if you're close to divorce and he needs to feel he pushed you away for good this time. Not only that but you both need time to cool off before you get into a bad fight. You're fresh enough in the S/D process that going dark will scare him and have him making excuses to talk to you.

Why are you paying for his health insurance and cell phone when he isn't calling you? Cancel both of those immediately and only get in touch with people around him about important matters like D papers and overdue bills. When he calls you the first couple of times let him leave a voice message or email you. He doesn't deserve to hear your voice right now and you're not strong enough to withstand any manipulation he might try. And you'll need to take this space to prepare yourself for whats to come like exposure of an affair, divorce, another woman's pregnancy, and you name it by creating contempt for him. I know you love him and you always will but you have to take him off that pedistal and see him as the jerk is act like right now.

He is staying with a female friend???? Sweetheart, he's having an affair and has been for some time (6+ months). Men don't leave good relationships and move in with women while they're still attached, unless it's their mother. If anything I'd say we're more likely to stay with the pathtic bachelor friend and drink more. I wouldn't be surprised if mentioned her a lot over the past 6-8 months and gave you a lot of "my friend____ said.....".

Don't worry though, people here at TAMs have survived this and can tell you exactly what to do before you lose it. Mainly, you'll just need to let him go experience what he thought would be better and not try to comfort him or show him one-sided affection while he's off screwing someone else and kissing what's her face. All you have to do is be indifferent and naturally happy whenever you speak to him, but not let him into your world. I can tell you from experience you'll get more than a fair shareof chances to attract him back but only a handfull of fights vefore he's gone for a good while.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

The friend is a lesbian, so I am fairly sure he isn't sleeping with her. Heh. But I understand your point. I will stop paying the bills I can stop paying (the car he is driving is joint so I can't stop paying that) and I will not contact him anymore. If I don't hear from him in a few days I will file a legal separation. Maybe that will scare him into calling me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

You do the 180 for you, to move on. It helps you heal and a side effect from it, is it does draws the other person back. If you are doing it only for the chance of R you are missing the point of the 180. It is for you, not him. It is for your sanity and your healing.

Take care of yourself


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Seperation may do it but I would seriously think about divorce papers. You can always delay the process, change things, or drop it if you need to but the initial shock is bound to be a whole lot greater than "you can live seperately" it tells him "you're going to have split half of everything you own and then some". 

Take a look at my thread "Why are you calling me?" for a good example of an indifferent attitude in a phone call. This was just this week when I stopped needing her after years of killing myself and doing everything from MC to reading every book out there to get her back. 

Ok, so the friend is a lesbian.... she's still going to be telling him exactly what he wants to hear and talking down about you to make him feel his decision to leave the marriage was justified. You thought your competition was with him? Nah, you're really fighting with her over his admiration. The only way you're going to win here is if you become someone that even she can respect. You'll have to slowly get in good with her while not chasing after your H. Then when his break-up buddy sees all the crap he's been feeding her about you she'll tell you everything.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The 180 isn't for him, it's for you.

Keep it up and when the day comes that he does come around, you'll be in a better place because of the 180.


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