# BS Have you changed?



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am not happy with the person I have become. After catching my wife in her affair and 5 more months of stomping it into the ground. I have become a very distrustful suspicious person and not just with my wife. I am really only 4 months into an honest R with my wife, I mean honest because she was talking with him via email and chats into December.

To add to what I am feeling. My sister is now leaving her husband and she seems to have several guys on the side as well.

I want to be able to trust again and I want to open my heart again but I keep holding back. I do not want to talk about it either. Has anyone else gone through this? I thought my anger was subsiding but I know it is boiling up again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have in that I am suspicious of EVERYTHING he does/says. It sucks.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Good post...

I hate what I have become. I am paranoid, insecure about my relationship, full of anger and suspicion, etc.

I hate the anger that I feel at times toward him. The other day we had another go round about this and I made a comment about his EA being a piece of ****/trash..the thing is I do not really believe that because she was lied by him as he told her he was separated. But I wanted to lash out at him via her I gu ess.

As for insecurity about the relationship I feel that big time..I keep thinking what if he does this again..I cannot even imagine a time when I trust him completely like I once did and that angers me as well. This was someone that I thought would never ever do this to me.

As well he mentioned that him and his EA had flirtatious banter between them that he has not had in a long time..and since D DAy occured and even before (we have been together for 23 years) we have not had that flirtatious kind of banter for many many years, thus that angers me because on average our conversations are far from flirtatious banter especially now. So I feel angry that I cannot sound like that happy flirtatious girl that his EA came across as., and this only adds to the vicious cycle.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

highwood said:


> Good post...
> 
> I hate what I have become. I am paranoid, insecure about my relationship, full of anger and suspicion, etc.
> 
> ...


On Friday I came home and we had a good evening up to a point. After going out to a Mexican restaurant we came home. I had not been home in a week. I checked my wife's cell phone and she deleted a bunch of text messages. I got mad. She started being friends with a girl she went to HS with 30 years ago and they met at a tavern about two weeks ago. I do not like it and I told my WS about it. She got mad and told me that I can't control her getting in contact with old friends. I blew up big time. 

I told my WS that she has made me this way. I was never angry, paranoid, suspicious, anxious, etc. I told her I hate the person that I have become and I told her that she is the only person to blame for this.

We made up and had a good weekend but I do not like what I have become.

Last night she was texting her long lost friend for 1 1/2 hours. I have not said a word yet. But I do not like it. Why after 30 years do you get in contact with a HS friend that you partied with when you were a teenager. After what we have gone through you would think my WS would get it the first time I mentioned that I do not like it. 

No I do not like the person I have become.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I HATE the person I am...

I used to be outgoing, knew no strangers, positive about EVERYTHING and stayed healthy and active.

Now I speak to no one, avoid public places, and stopped running and eat like sh*t.

I heard H phone ding with a text and without thinking first I instantly said "who is it?" and then cringed bc I was asking with a crazy person's tone.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Not sure yet, but I think I like the person I have become. 

I feel stronger, more autonomous, less dependent on my marriage for happiness and stability. Less under his "spell". 

I still love him, of course, but now I see how much I had idealized him, how much I needed the marriage to succeed to be "ok". Now I know I am going to be ok no matter what happens with the marriage.

I really didn't have ownership of that knowledge before.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Yes. I've become intolerant, depressed, full of despair, mistrustful, defensive, suspicious, detached, and unmotivated to do anything. I've also become angry (once in a while), skeptical, pessimistic, less enthusiastic, and less reliable. And celibate. :/ I think I hate STBXH a little for making sex unappealing. I'm tired of feeling like a loser, so I've decided that everytime I feel pathetic, I'll go for a run or do something to beautify myself. The funniest change is that while I look pretty good, I feel like a crazy person in hell.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My STBXW stole my smile. I want it back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

moxy said:


> Yes. I've become intolerant, depressed, full of despair, mistrustful, defensive, suspicious, detached, and unmotivated to do anything. I've also become angry (once in a while), skeptical, pessimistic, less enthusiastic, and less reliable. And celibate. :/ I think I hate STBXH a little for making sex unappealing. I'm tired of feeling like a loser, so I've decided that everytime I feel pathetic, I'll go for a run or do something to beautify myself. The funniest change is that while I look pretty good, I feel like a crazy person in hell.


That's the key Moxy...do something good for yourself. 

ONe good thing out of this mess for me was that over the last 6 months I have lost 26 lbs..only have another 7 lbs or so to go for goal.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The more I think about it, my head starts burning. I lost my innocence. 
I hate to be in this anger.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> My STBXW stole my smile. I want it back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just yesterday my H said "I miss your smile". Yeah, its somewhere along with my damned soul....


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am hoping that this is a process and I will come out the other end stronger and in a good place. Right now everything is looking like a dark tunnel and the other end has a light but I think it is a train to run me over/

The only thing that makes me smile right now is my graddaughter.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

But through this we were also given wisdom, insight, and a lesson in what we as ourselves truly want. The pitfalls to look out for, the methods with which to help support the marriage during times of trouble.

Ive worried about this some myself. I worry that some woman I am dating will say, or act in some way similar to the ex.
Will this ruin the new thing abruptly?
Will I shout something stupid like "My Ex WIfe Used to do that when she was...... "

I worry because I am still saying "we" and "us", and there aint no more "we" or "us", unless you are counting my multiple personalities...


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I hate how I am now. Feeling like I have to verify everything he says and does. Questioning everything. Why do i have to play crazy detective while he just sits there asking me to figure out how to rebuild the trust and make everything ok? Wait what how is it my responsibility to find a way to fix this mess when he's the one that was texting numerous women telling them personal stuff about us and our marriage? Then when it all came out he made me beg plead and cry countless times for him all the while defending them saying they had a place in his life, so where's my place? When he finally gave them up it wasn't cause he felt bad or considered my feelings, he gave them up cause "he was tired of the nagging and he hopes one day I'll calm down and he can have them back" Ha he can have em back but im packing my sh*t and leaving if thats the case. So now his solution is you need to "just trust me" that's where it starts. I call BS. I just trusted you before look where that got me. He nuked the trust and I'm left standing here trying to find a way to rebuild it. How is this fair? I'm angry all the time it seems, suspicious and generally feel like I'm losing my sanity. I end up with way more questions than answers. Do i think about doing what he did to tear him down inside like he did to me? Yeah I do. Will i? No cause it won't help anything at all it would be 100x worse. He has been trying to be open with talking but it seems the second I ask a question he jumps back and starts telling me I'm being accessive and controlling and that i need to just not think about what happened and move on. Man if only it were that easy...

Oh and now he wants to go on a boys weekend away with the same friend that enabled him to exchange numbers with these women who worked at the bars he was going to. I asked how he thought that was a good idea given I don't believe a word he tells me right now. He answers well I don't think sitting on the couch all the time is going to help you trust me. Really? How about you try it and we see what happens. I flat out told him this would cause me to question his actions more if he went and he is still considering it cause he thinks its a good idea. I'm really starting to think he doesn't give a dam how I feel its just about what he wants to do.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> I hate how I am now. Feeling like I have to verify everything he says and does. Questioning everything. Why do i have to play crazy detective while he just sits there asking me to figure out how to rebuild the trust and make everything ok? Wait what how is it my responsibility to find a way to fix this mess when he's the one that was texting numerous women telling them personal stuff about us and our marriage? Then when it all came out he made me beg plead and cry countless times for him all the while defending them saying they had a place in his life, so where's my place? When he finally gave them up it wasn't cause he felt bad or considered my feelings, he gave them up cause "he was tired of the nagging and he hopes one day I'll calm down and he can have them back" Ha he can have em back but im packing my sh*t and leaving if thats the case. So now his solution is you need to "just trust me" that's where it starts. I call BS. I just trusted you before look where that got me. He nuked the trust and I'm left standing here trying to find a way to rebuild it. How is this fair? I'm angry all the time it seems, suspicious and generally feel like I'm losing my sanity. I end up with way more questions than answers. Do i think about doing what he did to tear him down inside like he did to me? Yeah I do. Will i? No cause it won't help anything at all it would be 100x worse. He has been trying to be open with talking but it seems the second I ask a question he jumps back and starts telling me I'm being accessive and controlling and that i need to just not think about what happened and move on. Man if only it were that easy...
> 
> Oh and now he wants to go on a boys weekend away with the same friend that enabled him to exchange numbers with these women who worked at the bars he was going to. I asked how he thought that was a good idea given I don't believe a word he tells me right now. He answers well I don't think sitting on the couch all the time is going to help you trust me. Really? How about you try it and we see what happens. I flat out told him this would cause me to question his actions more if he went and he is still considering it cause he thinks its a good idea. I'm really starting to think he doesn't give a dam how I feel its just about what he wants to do.


sorry, but Im not hearing remorse here.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> sorry, but Im not hearing remorse here.


I'm assuming you mean on his end? 

He starts to be remorseful but then when I question something he gets defensive and reverts back to not saying anything to me. I have questions and until he answers everything no matter how many times I ask to verify the answer he needs to answer them not shut down cause he doesn't like the dam question. Its so aggravating. Doesn't help that I'm all hormonal and pregnant. Uhhh...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I feel as if I were too trusting in life and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt when, now, I think that no one was doing me the same courtesy.

So now, being a little more skeptical than I was 20 years ago, is, IMO, a good thing. 

And also when dealing with all these wannabe friends of my partner, I have now decided two things:
1) It is mot my job to orchestrate a meeting.
2) It is not my job to prove that I am the understanding partner.

I am sorry to read that other posters here feel that they have lost of their innocence.

I wish that I had been far more skeptical and less trusting right from the beginning.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> I'm assuming you mean on his end?
> 
> He starts to be remorseful but then when I question something he gets defensive and reverts back to not saying anything to me. I have questions and until he answers everything no matter how many times I ask to verify the answer he needs to answer them not shut down cause he doesn't like the dam question. Its so aggravating. Doesn't help that I'm all hormonal and pregnant. Uhhh...


he cheated on you while youre pregnant? not that there is ever an ok time but while you have HIS baby in your belly?


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Mahike, reading the posts on this thread brings back a lot of memories. Certainly, a catastrophe of this magnitude is bound to change you. What you have to realize is that you have the power to determine the direction of that change. I'm a number of years ahead of you on this path. My initial reaction was an all consuming anger- at myself. I spiraled downward until I found bottom. Then I decided to do something about it. I'm at a place now where I like who I am. I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness. And I'm diggin' it!


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> he cheated on you while youre pregnant? not that there is ever an ok time but while you have HIS baby in your belly?



No I just found out I'm pregnant he hasn't had contact with the other women since early to mid Feb. He was having EAs with these women nothing sexual exchanged between them but I think had it gone on any longer it could have escalated to that. He still won't say its an Ea, cause they were just good friends yet he admits he was given emotional comfort from them and they made him feel good and happy so he kept going to them to get these needs met. Um hello you were getting your emotional needs met by women other than the one you married how is that not an EA?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

square1 said:


> No I just found out I'm pregnant he hasn't had contact with the other women since early to mid Feb. He was having EAs with these women nothing sexual exchanged between them but I think had it gone on any longer it could have escalated to that. He still won't say its an Ea, cause they were just good friends yet he admits he was given emotional comfort from them and they made him feel good and happy so he kept going to them to get these needs met. Um hello you were getting your emotional needs met by women other than the one you married how is that not an EA?


Before anything will change with your H, he has to admit responsibilitiy and that what he did was wrong since it crossed boundaries within your marriage. 

If he never admits fault, true R will never be possible.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Before anything will change with your H, he has to admit responsibilitiy and that what he did was wrong since it crossed boundaries within your marriage.
> 
> If he never admits fault, true R will never be possible.


Exactly, I have said this word for word. Maybe MC? Someone who can give their opinion with an outside view.

We have been together since I was 16 (now 29) he's now 30 and we were each others first serious relationship and we have never ran into any problems like this before. I don't know if he feels like he missed out on stuff in life or what and he sees how his friends are and thinks its OK to be that way disregarding your spouse, I just don't know.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> No I just found out I'm pregnant he hasn't had contact with the other women since early to mid Feb. He was having EAs with these women nothing sexual exchanged between them but I think had it gone on any longer it could have escalated to that. He still won't say its an Ea, cause they were just good friends yet he admits he was given emotional comfort from them and they made him feel good and happy so he kept going to them to get these needs met. Um hello you were getting your emotional needs met by women other than the one you married how is that not an EA?


whew! Im glad to hear that at least. And yes, its seems to be a theme of denial of an EA for men. My H denied it like a madman for months. I think he believed it. He knows it for what it was now. Its so strange how they act like they dont 'get it'. I mean you(husband) + OW emailing too much, texting, flirty conversations, her on his mind when he is home = EA! HELLO. OH and lets not forget being late coming home from work b/c she is there and the 10 hrs a F*ckin day you spend w/her and, and ,and......


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Changed? Yes My trust has taken a big hit,I'm a lot more suspicous,not motivated like I used to be,my confidence is down,am I manly enough?Smart enough?Attractive?
[email protected],I'm full of fvcing doubt anymore,was never like this, I hope to God this is temporary.Been in R 2 months now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Just yesterday my H said "I miss your smile". Yeah, its somewhere along with my damned soul....


Big ol Bandit bear hug comin' at ya.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> whew! Im glad to hear that at least. And yes, its seems to be a theme of denial of an EA for men. My H denied it like a madman for months. I think he believed it. He knows it for what it was now. Its so strange how they act like they dont 'get it'. I mean you(husband) + OW emailing too much, texting, flirty conversations, her on his mind when he is home = EA! HELLO.


I think he believes it wasnt an EA, but its so frustrating cause its so obvious to me what it was and I just want to grab him and shake him yelling "why can't you see it for what it is?!"

Eh and don't get me started on the triggers that make me think he's up to no good again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Big ol Bandit bear hug comin' at ya.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thanks Bandit, I needed that. It really does feel like Ive lost my soul some days. I'll get it back but its a process.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> I think he believes it wasnt an EA, but its so frustrating cause its so obvious to me what it was and I just want to grab him and shake him yelling "why can't you see it for what it is?!"
> 
> Eh and don't get me started on the triggers that make me think he's up to no good again.


its the fog, have him read it...my H read it, he started to realize the true nature of the beast.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

square1 said:


> I think he believes it wasnt an EA, but its so frustrating cause its so obvious to me what it was and I just want to grab him and shake him yelling "why can't you see it for what it is?!"
> 
> Eh and don't get me started on the triggers that make me think he's up to no good again.


My H did the exact same denial and thought I was over exaggerating and just basically a jealous person. He never could call it anything other than a business relationship: but bull crap bc when you hide a person's existence and make calendar reminders to call after a game and give her crap about if her team lost or not...its an EA!!!! 

BUT on a positive note it's been two years since I discovered OW yet only 6 months of us addressing it (I was a classic rug sweeper) he is FINALLY getting it and our R is 100% better. Maybe it's just "time" that the H's need to realize this???:smthumbup:


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> its the fog, have him read it...my H read it, he started to realize the true nature of the beast.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> its the fog, have him read it...my H read it, he started to realize the true nature of the beast.


Is it a book? Author?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> My H did the exact same denial and thought I was over exaggerating and just basically a jealous person. He never could call it anything other than a business relationship: but bull crap bc when you hide a person's existence and make calendar reminders to call after a game and give her crap about if her team lost or not...its an EA!!!!
> 
> BUT on a positive note it's been two years since I discovered OW yet only 6 months of us addressing it (I was a classic rug sweeper) he is FINALLY getting it and our R is 100% better. Maybe it's just "time" that the H's need to realize this???:smthumbup:


I wonder if they do realize it they just hope they can bs us??? I mean honestly my H hid his phone when she emailed him, talked about her alot and was sending more than 20 emails(they work together so they do have to email but alot of it was way unnecessary and way personal)a day. But no, he didnt know it was more than just being personable....right. I wonder if I had done the same d*mned thing if he would have thought I was JUST being personable????


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> Is it a book? Author?


no, its here on TAM.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Kinda split about this.

I surely added up on cynicism. I'm tired. Nervous and paranoid.

On the other hand, my behavior in the relationship has changed. No more p*ssyfooting around, no apologies on my side for perceived problems I have no relation to.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

square1 said:


> Is it a book? Author?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

The good thing is that I recognize that things will get better with time... but right now I feel like my H destroyed everything I loved about myself.

I used to be the most trusting of people. People always referred to me as the "peacekeeper" or as the "kindest person they knew". In some ways I see those things as weaknesses now... reasons why I will inevitably forgive him too easily. I feel like I am such a fool, fumbling over a man who clearly let his actions speak the truth about his respect for me. In short, I feel a am merely a shadow of my former self.... Today anyways, but if I have learned anything on this journey, it is that tomorrow my feelings will be different.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> I am not happy with the person I have become. After catching my wife in her affair and 5 more months of stomping it into the ground. I have become a very distrustful suspicious person and not just with my wife. I am really only 4 months into an honest R with my wife, I mean honest because she was talking with him via email and chats into December.
> 
> To add to what I am feeling. My sister is now leaving her husband and she seems to have several guys on the side as well.
> 
> I want to be able to trust again and I want to open my heart again but I keep holding back. I do not want to talk about it either. Has anyone else gone through this? I thought my anger was subsiding but I know it is boiling up again.


You sound perfectly normal, to me. What's the problem?:scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

henley said:


> The good thing is that I recognize that things will get better with time... but right now I feel like my H destroyed everything I loved about myself.
> 
> I used to be the most trusting of people. People always referred to me as the "peacekeeper" or as the "kindest person they knew". In some ways I see those things as weaknesses now... reasons why I will inevitably forgive him too easily. I feel like I am such a fool, fumbling over a man who clearly let his actions speak the truth about his respect for me. In short, I feel a am merely a shadow of my former self.... Today anyways, but if I have learned anything on this journey, it is that tomorrow my feelings will be different.


try not to give ALL of your power away. I know its so hard to hang in there. I cant sleep or eat but I still have the fire in my belly if I have to stand up for myself. I have lost a large peice of my soul but I have not lost my will to reclaim it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I wonder if they do realize it they just hope they can bs us??? I mean honestly my H hid his phone when she emailed him, talked about her alot and was sending more than 20 emails(they work together so they do have to email but alot of it was way unnecessary and way personal)a day. But no, he didnt know it was more than just being personable....right. I wonder if I had done the same d*mned thing if he would have thought I was JUST being personable????


Ha my H straight told me not to talk to any males because of the problems we were having. He felt they would use those weaknesses to get in my pants. Funny how that wasn't a possibility for the sl*ts he was texting. I call them that cause they have slept with everyone he knows (not even joking). Plus one offered him a massage on fb. Not even a private message just posted it on his wall knowing I would see it. Sh*t hit the fan then I told him she had to go, his response "I was over reacting and need to sleep on it before telling him for sure she had to go" wtf??? That didn't go over well with me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

square1 said:


> Ha my H straight told me not to talk to any males because of the problems we were having. He felt they would use those weaknesses to get in my pants. Funny how that wasn't a possibility for the sl*ts he was texting. I call them that cause they have slept with everyone he knows (not even joking). Plus one offered him a massage on fb. Not even a private message just posted it on his wall knowing I would see it. Sh*t hit the fan then I told him she had to go, his response "I was over reacting and need to sleep on it before telling him for sure she had to go" wtf??? That didn't go over well with me.


if he's a cheater-fb needs to go all together just my opinion.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

No R here, but I hate the whole thing. Questions like where in my marriage of 22 years was it real? I questioned it all and even worse, going through a period of doubting the paternity of my own children, the only thing I had left of my old life.... It's sick.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> if he's a cheater-fb needs to go all together just my opinion.



Oh fb is deactivated. I have told him he has shown me he doesn't have boundaries when it comes to other women and therefore besides family, me and married women I know personally he is to have no contact with women unless they are OUR mutual friends no more of this his friends crap. Lord help him if i find out otherwise has occured.I believe I told him i would shove his phone where the sun don't shine, and I aint using lube.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Not sure yet, but I think I like the person I have become.
> 
> I feel stronger, more autonomous, less dependent on my marriage for happiness and stability. Less under his "spell".
> 
> ...


LWC, I also like the person that I'm becoming. I would be lying if I said that this was always the case -- especially being only four months since dday. My world revolved around my STBXW. The big house, the places that we couldn't live because she didn't like them, and the friends that I inherited from her.

I see this as an opportunity to reinvent myself into the type of person that I want to become. When my youngest graduates from high school in four years, I plan on moving to a coastal area. (North Texas is nice but I've always been a beach bum at heart.) I also want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane and learn how to ski.

You might say that now is my opportunity to fulfill my bucket list because I got a lot of catching up to do. I also will never be in a situation where I'll ever have to beg for intimacy from anyone. I don't plan on becoming a 'ho -- but I have some long unfulfilled needs that I want to take care of.

When dday happened, I thought that my life was over. In fact, I wanted it to be over so that the pain would end. However, I now wake up and look forward to the new day. I guess all those years of listening to motivational audio tapes helped me to compress the grieving cycle.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> LWC, I also like the person that I'm becoming. I would be lying if I said that this was always the case -- especially being only four months since dday. My world revolved around my STBXW. The big house, the places that we couldn't live because she didn't like them, and the friends that I inherited from her.
> 
> I see this as an opportunity to reinvent myself into the type of person that I want to become. When my youngest graduates from high school in four years, I plan on moving to a coastal area. (North Texas is nice but I've always been a beach bum at heart.) I also want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane and learn how to ski.
> 
> ...


Very good advice, you don't know how much of yourself you give up until they're gone. It's just the way they picked to go guts you so completely for a while. I to have my list and have been active at it, that and time is what it takes. As a friend told me, "living well is the best revenge".


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m with Count... pre-DD, I was a doormat and quite passive/aggressive since I was living in fear of rocking the boat. I got crushed. I also got a unremorseful WW who did nothing to help me. So, I’m proud I not only got back up, but really took a long hard look at where I’d ended up and rebuilt instead of repeat: I did not rebuild myself into what she claimed she wanted, but who I wanted to see in the mirror.

I changed. A lot. My entire perspective on life, marriage, etc. has been redefined. I’m doing things I talked myself out of before without any guilty feelings. I tell my wife “no” if I don’t agree. I found my voice. I reconnected with people. I’m much happier with myself. Little silly examples... That old project car that didn’t run because I felt bad using ‘family money’ for my own selfish wants. Is now running like a champ. The kids and I love it. I became my own man, not ‘her man’. I’m happier now with myself than I’ve been for a decade; confidence and self-esteem are restored and the best part is I don’t look to her to feel this or build it for me. I found it within. 

And something scary for her; I don’t need her as part of how I define myself... She knows she is a deliberate choice, one that I can unchose in the future without falling apart. So, if she wants on this ride, she can no longer expect a free ticket ‘just because she’s Mrs. Racer’..... She made herself ‘disposable’ as an important part of me and who I am. Still by my side, but no longer a part if that makes sense.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Yes I ve changed - in a good way and a bad way
bad way - the anger and mistrust plus the hate I feel for S!ag who came into my marriage. I can honestly say I ve never hated any one in my life and now the hate sits there in my stomach like a rock (and yes I ve read all the books saying you should nt blame OP but god knows it s not so easy )
Good way - I feel a lot stronger in myself and I know for a fact that if the r doesn t work I ll be able to walk away and I ll be ok : )


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Ilovechocolate, I suspect that your injury is still fresh. Your hate of the OP really resonates w/ me. I had an encounter w/ the person that I suspect was my W's OP ( she has never told me because she is afraid of what I will do). We were at a public fundraiser where he introduced himself to me. I had the almost overwhelming urge to break his nose. I'm glad I didn't. Now, he means nothing to me. It will eventually be so for you.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> Yes I ve changed - in a good way and a bad way
> bad way - the anger and mistrust plus the hate I feel for S!ag who came into my marriage. I can honestly say I ve never hated any one in my life and now the hate sits there in my stomach like a rock (and yes I ve read all the books saying you should nt blame OP but god knows it s not so easy )
> Good way - I feel a lot stronger in myself and I know for a fact that if the r doesn t work I ll be able to walk away and I ll be ok : )


I also feel an overwhelming hatred for the OW.... to almost an obsessive point which I hope I can soon overcome. I knew her well... in fact, from the day I met her I have always said she was "mean" and "stand-offish" to me. Little did I know she had very good reason. She was obviously guilty. She even called me fat to my face at new years eve. ("Nobody likes a fat girl"- her exact words). I think my hatred will take a long time to dissipate


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> Yes I ve changed - in a good way and a bad way
> bad way - the anger and mistrust plus the hate I feel for S!ag who came into my marriage. I can honestly say I ve never hated any one in my life and now the hate sits there in my stomach like a rock (and yes I ve read all the books saying you should nt blame OP but god knows it s not so easy )
> Good way - I feel a lot stronger in myself and I know for a fact that if the r doesn t work I ll be able to walk away and I ll be ok : )


I have read them too, and I wonder why the OP is supposed to be free from judgement when a bank robber or any other kind of common thief is not. These home wreakers are dishonest and hurtful . Their actions and selfishness can and often do cause the demise of the marriage, the family and sometimes the BS via suicide. They destroy families and marriages knowingly. I have no problem hating the bit*h who chased my H; knowing that he was married and that he was trying to keep the relationship proper. No problem at all. Dose that excuse my H? of course not, but it doesn't mean that I will feel guilty when I give her the scorn that she so richly deserves. I think it is asking way too much of the BS to feel undeserved kindness for the OW/OM. I may stop hating this piece of sh!t some day, but not today. Does that make me less of a person, probably it does, but as long as I am not a dishonest predator like she is, I'm not that concerned about my noticeable lack of halo.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Every time me and H talk about her we end up in a massive row, He says it was all him, he s the married one and he s the one who betrayed me not her, he s the one who made the vows. Maybe so but I can honestly say that I have never got involved with a married man before my own marriage (think it s called morals!)
He s know her for over 12 + years (co workers) and just as the affair started she was diagonosed with lung cancer. Whenever we argue he ll start bleating that I should nt feel so much hate towards her, that I don t know how ill she is etc etc. . . Well she could nt have been that ill - he was banging her for 13 months!!!
Anger ! Hate ! me???


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I have absolutely changed. It has taken years to trust my fiance to the extent I have thanks to my ex. I had a scare a few years ago where a friendship he started with a female caused me to go into panic mode because I saw some similar signs. 

At this moment I trust he will not cheat on me, but I will always know that it is always a possibility no matter how much I trust him. The guy absolutely loves me, doesn't drink (so no drunken "accidental" hook-ups), is mostly asocial (has Aspergers and is not out flirting with all the ladies), doesn't look at porn, etc but his profession could put him in "dangerous" situations. 

If he travels for opera gigs, that will be time that he is spending with cast-mates instead of with me... forming bonds with women who would certainly be interested in him (looks, talent, and that emotional unavailability so many of us seem to find so attractive), potentially playing roles with love interests where he has to feign chemistry for the audience, potentially rehearsing in somewhat intimate situations, etc. Add in the fact that there are some women in that profession who ***** themselves out to try to advance their careers (as there are in any other profession, unfortunately) and it just feels dangerous.

We are long-distance atm but in our current situation I am 100% sure nothing will happen. In the future, I might freak out and worry myself sick over something that may never happen, thanks to my ex. 

It's sick to feel like I "have" to be concerned about anything like that, and it feels sick to come to try to come to terms with knowing there will be times I won't feel 100% safe through no fault of my fiance's. 

When I was 7 I was sexually assaulted during recess just out of sight of the playground... by kids my age. When **** like that happens, you learn there is no such thing as a safe location or safe time- just safeR. Being cheated on is emotionally similar in that regard. 

Nothing feels completely safe ever again, you know the terrible things happen to people all the damn time and it is foolish to think lightning only strikes once.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

What I am sure of is that I will never trust my wife completly again. At least that is what I feel today.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Our family doc booked us in back to back appointments today for tomorrow. I told my husband something is wrong (my guess... my STI test results?) and he said "nothings wrong, please stop being so paranoid". 

I almost spit out my tea. I refrained myself from screaming - Yah.... and who made me this way????


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## koolasma (Mar 11, 2012)

The more I think about it, my head starts burning. I lost my innocence. 
I hate to be in this anger.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

henley said:


> I also feel an overwhelming hatred for the OW.... to almost an obsessive point which I hope I can soon overcome. I knew her well... in fact, from the day I met her I have always said she was "mean" and "stand-offish" to me. Little did I know she had very good reason. She was obviously guilty. She even called me fat to my face at new years eve. ("Nobody likes a fat girl"- her exact words). I think my hatred will take a long time to dissipate


I understand why you do. Myself, I do not. I would not save her if she were drowning however. My anger, disappointment and pain is all directed at my H. The person that owed me something-fidelity.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

henley said:


> I also feel an overwhelming hatred for the OW.... to almost an obsessive point which I hope I can soon overcome. I knew her well... in fact, from the day I met her I have always said she was "mean" and "stand-offish" to me. Little did I know she had very good reason. She was obviously guilty. She even called me fat to my face at new years eve. ("Nobody likes a fat girl"- her exact words). I think my hatred will take a long time to dissipate


yeah, I can say I'd hate her too. But b/c she sounds like a b*tch!! With a side of homewrecker....


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

mahike said:


> What I am sure of is that I will never trust my wife completly again. At least that is what I feel today.


Right there with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes it has changed me.
Last Dec when H moved out I just knew he was carrying on his EA even though there was no proof. I went out of my mind. H was also showing severe signs of stress, depression and MLC
Anxiety, panic attacks, triggering daily, needy, clingy you name it.
Fast forward to May this year when I finally found out it was still going on and it had turned physical. I was relieved to know the truth at last and to realise I wasn't going crazy afterall!
I became stronger and more independent. I regained my spirituality and realised the important things in life and bring part of all his drama wasn't part of my plan!
Now H is home and our marriage is well on the way to recovery, through talking and talking I have recognised the part I played in the breakdown of my marriage and we are both re committing our lives to each other. I will never take my marriage for granted again and will always make it my number one priority. I do not take any blame for my Hs A but we got there for a reason and we are both determined that it won't happen again.
So pack to the original point. Yes it's changed me but for the better. It has helped me to relise what I really want in this life and that's a happy marriage and my family together. I'll admit it, my H was not at the top of my priority list before all this happened. He's regained his number 1 spot and so have I for him and that's where we intend to stay.
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I changed for the better ultimately, took me a while tho


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I think how a person feels is in large part a factor of how willing they are to look at their part of the situation, but more importantly how willing their spouse is to make a go of things after the affair. I read on this site a lot of people chasing the WS and offering information that clearly indicates the spouse isn't truly interested in the relationship. If this is the case with you, it is time to take a good hard look at things. You are correct , you will never be happy in the long run if you do not trust your spouse, are checking their every move , phone, texts etc. This is humiliating but I would say most BS do this. The question is for how long, and is your WS wanting the relationship. If they are hanging at bars, non committal about wanting R, still hiding things, the chances of you feeling "good" about things is slim and none. It is important that you work on yourself and prepare yourself as if you will NOT be with your partner. In other words, work on the anger, forgiveness side of things and you will emerge a stronger, more vibrant person for future R. When we are so hooked in to the other person, it is unbelievably hard to detach. Stay at it though- a day will come when you will be free. For me it has all been about letting go. I still have some intense bad days, but I can assure you it will get better if you commit to your own well being as well as the relationships but ONLY if the other person is truly willing to meet you half way.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I just admitted to cheating on my spouse and I would do anything to make him realize how much I still love him and would do anything to have him accept me again. I am so sorry for any pain that people liek me have caused you. Is there anything you can think of taht would make it up to you?


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

It all depends on the spouse. Some of us can never get over it. The idea that the one person you trusted above all things could do this to you is very hard to get over.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Point taken


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> I HATE the person I am...
> 
> I used to be outgoing, knew no strangers, positive about EVERYTHING and stayed healthy and active.
> 
> ...


Me too....I have such bad anxiety I can barely go to the store. We get down to nothing in the fridge and I would rather starve than go. But we have 3 kids so I have to. Right now WH is gone until the end of April (for work). We are only 4 months into R and him being gone for 6 weeks has made my panic attacks worse. I am trying to get back into running. Unlike others here, I have gained 15 lbs. I am not sure if it is the meds I am on now (was on a different med, now on Effexor- which I like). I just do not want to gain any more and I need to lose this. I was exactly where I should have been before and now I feel horrible about myself and somehow I am treating myself like crap because of what he did! WTH? I am trying to snap out of it, but it is hard. 
He is trying to understand all of the emotions I am experiencing and seeing our pastor is helping. I just need to stop beating myself up. That is the worst part of who I have become- insecure and now anxious about public places.
UGH, hope this ends soon.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> You should feel how you feel.Why in the hell would you feel any compassion for her?; she sure didn't feel any for you. Sounds like she's been hit by the karmic bus BTW. He is the one whose actions are wrong here. It is outrageous that he could even ask you to ignore her part in the betrayal. She knew what she was doing and she knew it was wrong, you have a right to loath this POSOW. If he wishes to atone for what he has done , a good place to start would be to give his loyalty to you his wife, and to realize that his protective instincts should be directed to you, not some marital intruder.


I had nt thought of it that way! Maybe the Karma Bus has visited her!!! Don t get me wrong I would never wish cancer on anyone - my dad has been fighting it for the last six years and is in the middle of his third round of chemo but maybe the Bus of Karma has paid a visit . I do feel bad for the way I feel - Cancer is a b!tch but i know if he came home tomorrow and said that she was dead I would honeslty crack a smile - and that s not me or it did nt use to be .


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

She is offering me to be my sex slave if it helps me to get out of this depression (rather I am dying on my feet to be correct).

No strings attached.... she wants to be stay with me but if I decide not to, she still offers to serve me sexually while she swears that she will not be with another man until her death ,ever.

I wanted to explore anal all along. She hates it and we never went there except once.

I never wanted to hurt her. I knew that some woman liked it some don't. What bothered me most is she never went to internet and looked for info on anal, how it is done, how can it be enjoyable maybe, just give it a try woman.......... I tried everything she showed interest and more for her, even bought her first vibrator which she never even tried. 

Now she offers me anal everynight.......... I say I'll do it but I have a condition; she will goto internet, learn everything about it, prepare herself and most definately she has to enjoy it. Still, I can not do it to hurt her or for degrading her.

She has been my life, my love, mother to my children, my everything and later............my executioner.

Now I am considering to analize her to divorce.

WHO HAVE I BECOME ????????????????????


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> She is offering me to be my sex slave if it helps me to get out of this depression (rather I am dying on my feet to be correct).
> 
> No strings attached.... she wants to be stay with me but if I decide not to, she still offers to serve me sexually while she swears that she will not be with another man until her death ,ever.
> 
> ...


The only part of this I understand....She has been my life,my love,mother to my children,my everything and later....my executioner. That part I get. The rest??????


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> The only part of this I understand....She has been my life,my love,mother to my children,my everything and later....my executioner. That part I get. The rest??????


The rest is ; 

"*Now I am considering to analize her to divorce.

WHO HAVE I BECOME ????????????????????*"

Did I write something that does not make sense in english, if so I can try to say it differently ? Seriously, english is not my native language.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> The rest is ;
> 
> "*Now I am considering to analize her to divorce.
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Pull out the English dictionary brother!!! That's the funniest thing I've ever read on this board! I swear, the water I was drinking just shot out my nose! :rofl:


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> Pull out the English dictionary brother!!! That's the funniest thing I've ever read on this board! I swear, the water I was drinking just shot out my nose! :rofl:



In porn world, *ANALIZE* have a different meaning that we can not find in dictionaries yet. Still you got it right ? And yes I wanted to add some humor.

Sorry for the discomfort but a sinus wash is good for you, we are in allergy season.


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