# Questionable Separation Methods



## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

I don't really intend on rambling long, however information is needed in order to acurately give feedback on my given situation.

My wife and I have been married or together for 6 years give or take, my wife believes that I suffer from a few addictions, alcohol and gambling. Which, I have been attended recovering groups for the past 3 months for. 

In February my wife up, and vanished, she left me a nice note saying, I asked you to go spend the weekend with your parents, and you had not, so I am leaving basically. 

I find out a few days later that she had gone to a "Womans Shelter", which from my understanding are largely for abused, and battered woman, none of which she was, EVER. In fact she had struck me on several occassions. 

As soon as I had found out that she was at a shelter, I left our home, and stayed with my parents, I didn't want her in that environment.

The underlying problem was that basically she felt I was her best friend, and she knew this for certertain but because of the issues she is experiencing she has lost her romantic feelings for me. There has been, and is no affair happening, I am 100% positive of this, so lets not go there . So, basically she needs time to sort out her feelings, which is fine. I can respect that, however I do believe that her feelings have been polluated by her depression, she also suffers from aspergers, my psychologist thinks she is depressed and because of the obvious emotional issues she is suffering from, she can't distinguish between friendship and romance. Needless to say, this could obviously be worked on given that she wanted to, which again she isn't sure of.

At anyrate, apparently some support network she has been seeing told her that she needs to stay away from me for 6 months, absolutely NO contact, or anything while I recover, because that is how long it takes. 

First off, who in their right mind would suggest such a thing? I have NEVER heard of ANYTHING even remotely similar to this. 

Second, When I asked her who had mentioned this, she had said multiple persons, and she would not give names because she doesn't feel she has to.

I am confused why she is so reluctant to tell me, but I do have a few theories, One, friends, or Two, a Divorce Lawyer, or Therapist saying that we need to be separated for at least 6 months prior to divorce proceedings and perhaps she doesn't have the decency to really tell me what is on her mind. 

I'm seeking advise on that, during our separation I had taken a contract job in Seattle, working for a Company, bought my own condo, and relocated, doing really well, we would visit each other every so often, on the weekends, generally twice a month. I have since moved back to my home and we have been living together, she continues to tell me she would like me to find lodging because she still needs time to work on her issues and isn't sure if she can or wants to work on this marriage. Unfortunately my contact ended a few weeks prematurely due to financal constraints, but such is life. At anyrate, she is now telling me the same people above, predicted my job loss, and all that so I'm feeling like she's using this against me. Needless to say I am looking for work ASAP.

I suppose ultimately I really do want to work on this marriage, but it's quite obvious to me that my wife needs to see more of a commitment from me. She doesn't want to get comfortable in this situation we are with now, and then come back to me and have every going back to how things were before.

There are obviously a lot more dynamics to this, and I am just looking for advice, perspective, opinions, etc.. Especially on that 6 month thing, I really can't understand her take on things, and i'm not sure what to tell her, or how to proceed.

Thanks


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

jtango80 said:


> My wife and I have been married or together for 6 years give or take, my wife believes that I suffer from a few addictions, alcohol and gambling. Which, I have been attended recovering groups for the past 3 months for.


You don't believe you have a few addictions including alcohol and gambling? I'm not looking to judge but if you're going to recovery groups, it would follow that you need the help.

If you're an alcoholic it's quite possible that you're not aware of the damage you're inflicting on your wife, with blackouts, memory loss, denial, etc.

She might not be all that wrong.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

stedfin said:


> You don't believe you have a few addictions including alcohol and gambling? I'm not looking to judge but if you're going to recovery groups, it would follow that you need the help.
> 
> If you're an alcoholic it's quite possible that you're not aware of the damage you're inflicting on your wife, with blackouts, memory loss, denial, etc.
> 
> She might not be all that wrong.


Blackouts, memory loss, and all that stuff, never have I drank that much. I have stopped drinking, and been attending recovery groups to benefit myself and wife, I acknowledge perhaps I drink badly when I choose to drink, but lets be clear, alcohol and gambling were not my prime motivators, nor was I drunk every day, I just happened to consume too much when I did. I am not denying that my drinking and gambling are an issue, I'm simply clarifying the level of alcoholic, I had been.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

There are no levels of alcoholism. Alcoholism exists when your drinking causes problems -- whether you drink every day or just binge once in a while, it's all alcoholism if you have a lack of control. Making excuses will keep you from truly entering recovery. Tue most important thing you can do is admit the truth to yourself...then you will have the ability to change. Until then, your wife will not respect your stance on your drinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

jtango80 said:


> Blackouts, memory loss, and all that stuff, never have I drank that much..I acknowledge perhaps I drink badly when I choose to drink.. nor was I drunk every day, I just happened to consume too much when I did..


You defend your drinking by saying you weren't drunk every day, as if that makes it ok. Obviously it was an issue, a big issue. I must wonder what your wife would say about your drinking and how you acted during those drunken spells?

I get the strong feeling it's worse than what you allow yourself to believe based on some of your own observations.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

stedfin said:


> You defend your drinking by saying you weren't drunk every day, as if that makes it ok. Obviously it was an issue, a big issue. I must wonder what your wife would say about your drinking and how you acted during those drunken spells?
> 
> I get the strong feeling it's worse than what you allow yourself to believe based on some of your own observations.


I am not going to argue or debate the existance of a problem, alcoholism is a disease and you either have it, or do not. Like any disease there are varying degrees of circumstance. Just as a cancer patient has different stages of progression so does alcoholism. I am not trying to say I do not have a problem, I am trying to explain that the level of problems it caused were minimal when compared to the grand scheme of things. Many alcoholics are so dependent upon their addiction they are unable to function. I would be classified as a functional alcoholic. It didn't impair my ability to operate. However, it was obviously strained enough to cause problems with my wife. I am not trying to refute this. What I am refuting is what I mentioned about the whole "stay away from him for 6 months without so much as a word" this is what im trying to gain some insight on to see whether or not this is well known, or some garbage tossed by her friends or whomever.

Thanks


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Are you really telling the full story? I mean, it sounds like she is making all these decisions for no real apparent reason. If you have these addictions, but are going to meetings for them and trying to fix them, then I would assume she would be happy that you took the steps to try to work on them.

How did you act when you were drunk? Were there times when maybe you blacked out and didn't remember certain ways you treated her or things you said to her because you were intoxicated? 

Also, women's shelters are shelters designed for women who are abused. This can mean mentally or emotionally also, not just physically. Maybe she felt that she needed the support of women to help her through the concerns she had with the marriage. 

I am willing to bet that her perspective on this whole ordeal is different from yours. She may have concerns that you don't even know she has. As far as the no contact thing, if she feels that is best for her, then you may just need to give that to her. It will be difficult, but when she decides to have contact with you again, you two need to do some serious talking and seek counseling. Best of luck on your situation and kudos to you attempting to seek help for your addictions.


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