# Dealing with the OW stalking us?



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I am wondering if anyone else has dealt with an OW/OM who won't let go. In our case, the OW has borderline personality disorder, which makes her act irrational and volatile.

Back story on her: in the past, she would usually "win" at the game of stealing away boyfriends/husbands, but then after a month or so she would dump the guy and move on to another mark. In this case, she was the one who got dumped, and we think it's the first time it's happened that way. She is still being persistent because she still wants to "win." She shows up at places where she knows we'll be, and stares at us from the corner while sending him text messages about how she misses him. The last one she sent said she would not give up on him. It has been almost 3 weeks since he told her it was over and she's still doing this. He has made no contact with her since so we haven't been feeding into her need for attention.

Our couple's counselor is concerned that it is looking like stalking behavior. We are going to try to have her number blocked from calling or texting his phone. We live in a small city so if we do go out, she can find out from the grapevine where we'll be, so there's no way to prevent seeing her in person (we are not going out much but have a few obligations we can't miss). 

My questions are:

Those of you who've dealt with similar situations - did the OW/OM eventually give up, or did they escalate things?

Did you try to talk to them to tell them to back off and did it work?

We are giving it two more weeks and if it hasn't stopped by then we will probably confront her and threaten her with a restraining order. I am just worried that because of her mental illness, this could continue for months or years.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I would have the phone numbers changed and only give it to certain people with strict instuctions to not give it out to anyone else. I would then get a restraining order. Then when she shows up just call and let the police do their job.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I agree with Calypso - don't threaten a restraining order - get one now. Threatening her with one might make her more volatile - I wouldn't do that.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

The thing with a restraining order is that she has not yet threatened violence or been violent. For it to be beyond just harassment and to charge her with stalking there has to be some threat of harm. However, if we are able to file for the order in the state where we both work, that state does consider electronic harassment (i.e. text messages) a form of domestic abuse so we could get an order through family court. But what I am reading says you file for the order where you live, and in the state where we live "e-harassment" is not a criteria for abuse.

It's kind of a tricky situation, in that she probably has to escalate for us to have a strong case for charges against her and/or an order. Part of me is hoping it doesn't come to that.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I'd keep a record then of everything she does so that you have it if you have to take that far.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wouldn't be able to help it. I'd taunt the hell out of her. Big kisses, lots of physical contact. I'd push her to do something stupid.

Probably not the best approach, eh? But fun to think about.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

So, an update: we went out last night and she could have figured out we'd be there with minimal effort, but she didn't show up and didn't send any messages. Let's hope this is a good sign.


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