# Should we try again?



## fridge magnet (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years; it’s been a little bit up & down probably because she as she will admit herself is a bit moody and needs a lot of attention / affection. Admittedly although unintentionally I have probably been not as attentive as I perhaps should be and probably quite selfish in the relationship as in most things / decisions have to be my way. We’re both probably a little bit stubborn & proud as well which probably doesn’t help. She was always falling out with me but usually for never more than a few hours or a day. When this first started to happen I used to be gutted but then just got used to it so stopped playing up to it, i.e would just let her get on with her sulk then let her apologise a few hours/ day later. 

We are both in the military and 8 months ago had to start working away from each other only seeing each other for maybe 3 days every 10. We bought a house together in my home town and moved in the beginning of December, about 6 -7 weeks later she wanted to leave me and said she only got the house because she knew I wanted it so much. 

She wanted to leave me based on her thinking that I didn’t care about her and that I would never commit to her, she was wrong on both accounts but I can understand why she felt like that. I was always doing what I wanted to do without really listening to what she wanted. It doesn’t help that she plays mind games and expects me to be able to read her mind!

I begged for another chance to show her that I did love her and cared more than anything and did want to marry her, but she said she had had enough and couldn’t trust me not to go back to the way I was.

In my eyes/heart I accepted the fact that we were finished about 2 weeks ago, her interpretation is it was 2 months ago! In fact it was probably 6 weeks ago that she expressed she wanted to leave me and that is what she is basing her 2 months on, my 2 weeks was when I accepted that with the exception of sorting the house out I wouldn’t be seeing her again and she had told me to stop calling / texting.

But then a few days later (7-10 days ago) she started to send me texts to say she was missing me and wanted to see me and even wanted to get back together..... I was buzzing, I was so happy and I knew I was going to treat her the way she deserved and that everything would be perfect; I even went out and bought the ring..... the same ring that I should have bloody bought back in December when we first moved into the house, but being the practical idiot that I am I thought the re-wire, new boiler & bathroom were more important, so I skinted myself out on all those things and didn’t want to put the ring on a credit card cos a few months previous we had a sort out of our finances & I promised I wouldn’t use my credit cards without telling her!

Long story short, we met up last weekend but her head was still a mess and she still didn’t know what she wanted, she said she wasn’t ready to get over intimate but we did but then she left a couple of hours later.

She phoned me when she got to her mums in tears to tell me she had been seeing somebody else which I had already second guessed.

He had been plying her with all the attention & affection for quite some time by the sounds of things and they started dating /sleeping together mid February, I would say she broke it off with him around 10-12 March which was when she started to text me she was missing me. She said he got to full on to quickly and started going through her phone etc because he didn’t trust that she wasn’t still seeing me, which we had been and still sleeping together but not having sex because she wouldn’t.

Although I certainly suspected that she was seeing somebody else I never thought she was the type to jump into bed with somebody else so easily and quickly. I had given her plenty of opportunities to tell me if she had met somebody else and she continually denied it.

She is now happy to try and forgive me for my errors (selfishness/ lack of love etc) and give me a second chance if I can forgive her. So now it’s my head that is a mess. She doesn’t think she has cheated on me cos she says we had split up, in my head we hadn’t split up until a couple of weeks ago, hence the 2 month versus 2 week difference of opinion. Never less, I’m devastated, 1, that she was lying to me when I gave her the opportunities to be honest, which I can say is something I have always 100% been with her, 2, that she could jump into bed with somebody else so quickly and easily.

I still love her very much, and I don’t want to lose her but at the same time I’m not sure if things can be the same between us, I’m absolutely devastated.

We are due to see each other in a weeks time.

Anybody else been in a similar situation?

Thanks.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Time to move on. This is certainly not a woman you want to marry. You have seen what your life will be like after you are married. I think that her actions speak so loud that you can't hear her words. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Save yourself any more heartache. Move on and good luck.


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## fridge magnet (Mar 22, 2012)

Thank you, its not what i wanted to hear, but i think i do need to wake up.....

Thanks.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Take it from an old Master Sergeant who's wife cheated on me several times over the past two years after 28 years of a good marriage.

Move on. Son, she is not worth it. Go talk to a chaplain about how to disengage from your feelings of love. My nephew is about to be an officer and his finacee' broke up with him and he was head over heels in love with her. It took him two years to get over it and he almost self destructed. It is not worth it. Find a better mate.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I think once you love someone, and you break up --it will always crush you a bit to think of them with someone else. I know it hurts to think of the love of my life giving someone else those sparkly eyes...... but this is what happens when people break up and get back together, I'm afraid.

The other problem is the time difference. You can't agree on when you broke up! This happens a lot and has happened to me. You HAVE to have a shared reality. So I would try to get your history timeline together hammered out first. You can't solve anything or move forward without it.

Good Luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First off, she hasn't accepted responsibility. Though she knows that she did cheat. Consider this, tell her that you can't get back together with her because you will never know if she will "single up again". Tell her that since she can't admit her betrayal, that you can have no confidence that she won't do it again. I mean tell her to think. If she can't see that she cheated, how will she be able to tell if she isn't going to cheat again, since she didn't do it in the first place. She has to sew the "A" on. She has to wear it (at least with you) in contrition, shame, thankfulness (for another chance) AND COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Hang it up, fridge. Sorry you are here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is this new guy? You sure he wasn't in the background when she broke up with you. It does seem odd that she broke up suddenly after buying a house and she started [email protected] him immediately. I think he was the reason for your break up. Any woman that requires lots of attention is bad news!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Marriage is hard work. You don't always get all of your needs met. It's easiest when it's just the two of you with no long-term financial commitments. It usually gets tougher when you buy a house, even tougher when you have kids.

When needs aren't being met, when there are problems, you have to talk to each other, you have to speak up and the other has to listen. If the other doesn't listen, then what do you do? Hold it in and cheat? Or continue to try to work it out and tell them that if things don't change for the better, you will divorce?

Apparently, she is a hold-it-in-and-cheat type. Now, you're stuck with your original problems, plus the new cheating, mind-movie, lack-of-trust problems.

You are single and have no kids, just a recently purchased house. You cannot even agree whether or not she cheated on you. If you're going to break it off, now is the time to do it. It will only be harder and messier later on. If you try to continue with her, best to get on the same page as far as what each of your boundaries are and what you expect of each other when problems arise in the future. 

Working on your problems is hard, running away from them and cheating is the easy way out.

First thing to work on would be agreeing whether what she did was cheating. Second would be why she didn't communicate her feelings to you, just decided to leave based on her assumptions.

You do realize it is quite possible that the other man was already in the picture when she left you and she thought she'd give him a tryout, believing since you bought the house that you'd be willing to take her back if he didn't make the grade. It didn't work out with him, now she's back.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

fridge magnet said:


> Thank you, its not what i wanted to hear, but i think i do need to wake up.....
> 
> Thanks.


there seems to be alot of that on here, not what people want to hear. I think alot of us are in denial. good luck to you


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She was looking for someone better than you, she met one and slept with him found out he is not fit for her why he dint trust her completely, why he didn't trust her because he had a doubt that she was seeing you while ding dong with him, Was his suspicion right? YES you know that, so she cheated him also.
What gave her the epiphany that you are not fit for her ans she need a breakup, its because OM was there for her before the break up. She cheated you then also.

She was in the process of searching for better man, through out your relationship, was this the first time? I don't think so........

After you get married, if she needs more attention and sex Do you have any doubt that she she will cheat on you? She will.
She lied to your face and cheated and ready to forgive you now, dont you feel it ridiculous or insulting your manliness.

This is your chance to escape from this cheater, don't remain as her backup plan. Let her go, let she find some one else, she is not fit for you and you deserve better.


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## fridge magnet (Mar 22, 2012)

Thank you everybody, 
I don't think we will ever agree on the time line difference when we split up, but to tell you the truth i don't think it would matter anyway. Even if i agree that we were officially split up, i'm hurting because she lied to me; her defence is she couldn't bear to see me hurt so couldn't face telling me and that she never thought we would get back together so no need to tell me.

I had her on such a high pedestal that i couldn't believe that she could try and move on so quickly with somebody else. I don't want to offend any females and i know its a generalisation and not true for everyone but Ive heard a saying that women are like monkeys; they never let go of a branch until they have hold of another one, and so far with mine and friends experiences i haven't been proved otherwise. I don't know how women can flick their emotions so easily.

I don't want to sound naive, but i do think i can trust her and i do believe she loves me and wants to be with me as long as i change the way i have been, which i can and will. But i am just so disappointed, i have lost a lot of respect for her, hence why i'm not sure if its a good idea to try again or not..... It doesn’t help that all my family & friends all think the sun shines out of her backside and I did myself up until a couple of weeks ago, they all think she is great and that I should do everything I can to get back with her, but none of them know what has happened and I don’t want to tell them because 1, I feel like a bit of a mug / ashamed and 2, don’t want them to judge her think bad of her if we do get back together, hence I am on this website because I am finding it difficult to talk about it to anyone..... thanks..

In all fairness she did tell me on a number of occasions that she was unhappy.... and i wasn't listening properley, putting my head in the sand. But i do feel very angry that like 1 person has mentioned she will have found the break up easier because she has had somebody in the background to keep her together. I am getting so angry again, partly at myself for not giving her the attention she needed and partly at her for the way she went about it, if she never met this bloke would she have finished with me.... i doubt it?..
Also I would like male & female perspectives on this and i'm not always 100% sure what genders the replies are coming from so would appreciate it if you made it obvious for me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think I agree with her timeline. As a matter of fact this has been coming on for a long time but you were in denial. I think you should put off making any decisions since this is so fresh. You could err going in either direction.

I had almost this exact thing happen to me a longtime back and we reconciled. The two of you need to go into counseling. Communiction problems result from the differences in men and women. 

Get the books " Love Busters", "His Needs Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages" and most mportantly "Married Man Sex Life".

Here is a link to MMSL blog.

Married Man Sex Life

MMSL explains the dynamic between men and women, its for you. The other books are for the both of you.

Good luck 
Chap


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Whatever the timeline was, she was dishonest and lying to you which is never a good thing. Have you considered that this guy was the main reason she broke up with. Looks like the grass did not end up being greener after all. If you get back together, make sure she knows what you expect from her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_It doesn’t help that all my family & friends all think the sun shines out of her backside and I did myself up until a couple of weeks ago, they all think she is great and that I should do everything I can to get back with her, but *none of them know what has happened *and I don’t want to tell them because 1, I feel like a bit of a mug / ashamed and 2, don’t want them to judge her think bad of her if we do get back together_

Your family and friends know you've split up, what did you tell them the reason was? I think you should tell them the truth.

There was another guy "in the background" before she left you. You know that was the reason she left you. The newness of your relationship had faded, he was paying her attention, you were too busy working on making a nice house for her, she had doubts if you were the one, so she gave the other man a tryout. He didn't make the grade, now she's back.

You sound like you don't want to hear this, but there will be other guys paying her attention in the future. When you're married with kids, you will not always be able to give her the attention she needs. The right thing to do is communicate, not cheat.

Look at these posts:

_In all fairness she did tell me on a number of occasions that she was unhappy.... and i wasn't listening properley, putting my head in the sand

It doesn’t help that she plays mind games and expects me to be able to read her mind!_

She is much more at blame for this situation than you. She was the one who was unhappy, not you, and it was up to her to let you know the seriousness of it, not give some half-baked attempt at letting you know, expecting you to read her mind, even if you weren't paying her enough attention, that's what happens from time to time and when it does, you've got to make yourself heard, and not by splitting up and not by cheating.

Not all women are tree monkeys. Since the time your girlfriend reached the age that she began dating, has she ever been without a boyfriend?

You are still in denial, hoping that things can go back to the way they were before. They can't. You have been deluding yourself all along about how perfect she is. She's not.

_She is now happy to try and forgive me for my errors (selfishness/ lack of love etc) and give me a second chance if I can forgive her._ 

If this is how you plan to proceed with the reconciliation, basically rug-sweeping her actions, your relationship has no chance of success.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Read the post above! She is going to give YOU another chance!!!:rofl:

Do you have any self repect at all!!!! This POS has no remorse. You are her back-up plan. If there is no remorse, there is no recovery. If you want to have a chance at recoveruy, file for divorce. Shock her a$$ into understanding that you are a man that demands respect. You can't be second best in youor marriage.

Good luck. You will need it.


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