# Am I in an emotionall abusive marriage?



## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

I am new to this site. My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. We have three kids together. I have epilepsy and can't drive. My husband doesn't take us anywhere. If he doesn't want to go, we aren't going anywhere. I always feel like I am walking on pins and needles around him. It takes the smallest thing to set him off. He makes me feel like I am so stupid. He doesn't say that I am stupid, but makes me feel like it. He gets mad if I want to go see my family, and they feel uncomfortable at my house.I could go on and on. I am wanting a divorce and the kids don't really get along with him either. Just wondering if I should start a journal and keep track of these episodes?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

has your H always been this way?

Could he has some kind of mental issue other than just being a jacka s s ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband ever hit you, pushed you? or otherwise been physically abusive to you?

Why do you think you would need to keep a journal? What good do you think it will do?

If you want a divorce, perhaps you should just file for divorce.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

It really got started not too long after we were married. Just seems to be getting worse every year too. He hasn't got any mental issues determined by a doctor, but sometimes I wonder. His dad and brother are bi polar though.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Are there taxis, buses or RTA services where you live?


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

I just wondered if keeping some type of journal with all the episodes would help in court as far as who would get the kids. My kids are 11, 13 and 15. They are the only reason I'm not already gone. He's always told me I wouldn't get them because of my epilepsy. I know now, that isn't true. Another factor in leaving him is just drawing disability, wouldn't be able to live just on that. I know there is child support, but you never know how that will go.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

He's never abused me physically, but he has a temper and I wonder if that will ever change. There are no buses or taxis. I live out in the country.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Well, living on pins and needles around someone is no way to go. I did that for a long long time. Sounds like he may take advantage of some of your dependence on him. I dont ever like to jump on the divorce train too quickly. Is counseling an option?


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

He refuses to go to counceling. He will take me if I would like to go, but he will notbe involved in it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> I just wondered if keeping some type of journal with all the episodes would help in court as far as who would get the kids. My kids are 11, 13 and 15. They are the only reason I'm not already gone. He's always told me I wouldn't get them because of my epilepsy. I know now, that isn't true. Another factor in leaving him is just drawing disability, wouldn't be able to live just on that. I know there is child support, but you never know how that will go.


How often do you have epileptic episodes?

Your children are old enough to be able to call for help if it's needed. Plus, he's left them with you every day while he's at work, right? So he cannot now claim that you cannot be trusted alone with the children.

What are the laws in your state about alimony. In most states 18 years is a long term marriage. If you are truly disabled than that would weigh heavy towards you getting alimony. You can also look into getting training so that you can get education/training for a job. 

Get in touch with a place near you that provides counseling for domestic abuse. They will know of resources that can help you.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

I also feel like my kids feel on pins and needles sometimes also. They are like totally different kids when he is home that when it's just us.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

If thats the case, it seems that he doesnt want to put much into it. He is fine just the way it is. So, it comes down to what you are able to live with.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

My seizures vary. I have went two years once before, but now I am having between 10-20 a month. I think the stress has a lot to do with it also though. I feel if I can get out of this marriage they will reduce or maybe even stop.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any friends and family who can help you some for a while?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think you're leaving out an awful lot of the story here.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have any friends and family who can help you some for a while?


I have no friends, he he made sure that didn't happen. My mom passed away a few years ago and my sister is all I have left. She is in bad shape financially, so I haven't even bothered asking.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I think you're leaving out an awful lot of the story here.


What would you like to know? Didn't mean to leave anything out. I could go on and on with this. Didn't want to go overboard with it I guess is what I'm trying to say.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

"He" made sure you don't have any friends?

You have three school aged children. Why haven't you developed relationships with other parents?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Do you work? Or is he the sole supporter of the family?


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> "He" made sure you don't have any friends?
> 
> You have three school aged children. Why haven't you developed relationships with other parents?


I never have been around any long enough to make friends. We would both go to mandatory meeting etc together. He never wanted me talking to anyone but him. I can't drive make friends. So my making friends resources is limited.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Do you work? Or is he the sole supporter of the family?


I draw disability for my seizures. He is the sole supporter.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What are these mandatory meetings?

What about neighbors?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You're being extremely cryptic.

It's hard to tell exactly what's going on here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> I have no friends, he he made sure that didn't happen. My mom passed away a few years ago and my sister is all I have left. She is in bad shape financially, so I haven't even bothered asking.


Support does not only mean money. It means someone to talk to, someone who might help you get around, might help you find some resources.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> What are these mandatory meetings?
> 
> What about neighbors?


I'm talking about school meetings. We own almost 50 acres and our house is right in the middle of it. Don't really have anyone to consider a neighbor.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Support does not only mean money. It means someone to talk to, someone who might help you get around, might help you find some resources.


Oh okay. Yes, she is the he I talk to and get things off my chest. Sometimes I talk to his sisters, they know how he is. I just feel funny talking to his sisters about the whole situation. So mostly my sister.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm not following you whatsoever.

You say "he" makes sure you don't have any friends but it sounds like you are very active in your children's school. I don't see how he can control who you talk to or are friends with.

I've lived in Amish country growing up. Taxi's are the main transportation in rural areas, so that doesn't make sense to me why you're stuck at his mercy for rides. And, you have your own source of income, so you have the ability to pay for fare.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Okay, this isn't going as well as i hoped. Yes, I have my ''source'' of income, but when he controlls it I still have nothing.....


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So open your own bank account and have your disability direct deposited.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

Revamped said:


> So open your own bank account and have your disability direct deposited.


If only it were that easy in this situation. He is already controlling of anything and everything do. I just wonder how that would go over......


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

If you were to divorce, it wouldn't matter how that would go over. Just sayin...

You need to get yourself prepared.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> If only it were that easy in this situation. He is already controlling of anything and everything do. I just wonder how that would go over......


You will never know until you do it. 

What he's doing might actually be illegal as it's your money. You should be controlling it. Even if it means that you choose to hand it over to him.

Do you have access to the family finances? Do you have access to any money at all?

Is there an organization near you for victims of domestic abuse?


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You will never know until you do it.
> 
> What he's doing might actually be illegal as it's your money. You should be controlling it. Even if it means that you choose to hand it over to him.
> 
> ...



I have done done research and found a few places I can call. I plan on doing so tomorrow. Couldn't really do it with him home. We have a joint account with his name on it. So not really sure if anything can he done. He is in charge of the finances. We are never apart , so he says there is no need in me having a card.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> We have a joint account with his name on it.


It's a JOINT account, which means you have equal access to it.

I don't know if you are actually aware of it, but you are allowing him to control you through fear.

You don't think you have any options, because he has convinced you that you don't.

You DO have options. Stop making excuses/reasons for remaining stuck.

Start seeing the opportunities you have to get out of this hell. Pursue them with a passion.

You CAN do it. Trust me. I did.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In my state we have an independent living association.
They provide whatever services people with disabilities need to make their life accessible to them, regardless of whether family pitches in or not.

You could check out an organization like that.
Of course you are entitled to be able to go where you like without having to rely on H for a ride.

Such an organization could also advise you on your rights to your children. It's not just that you are entitled to a relationship with your children, your children are absolutely entitled to a relationship with both of their parents unless there has been criminal or other conduct where there has been a hearing and an adjudication regarding the children's welfare. It would take a lot to deprive someone of their children based on a medical diagnosis, especially of seizures. Even with mental illness it is difficult.

Now you are saying your seizures are increasing and your H is being a brute when it comes to being supportive. Have you checked the meds you are taking to make sure they have not been swapped out?

I would recommend going to a physician and expressing your concerns about your H, his plans, and your deteriorating medical condition. IMO a normal person would not consider removing kids from their mother just due to epilepsy and seizures.

So we have to think, if this is full info, that your H is not normal (a normal person would also help to provide rides or access to rides) and if your H is not normal and doing what you say, yes, of course you should be concerned. 

Keep your meds under lock and key when you take them home from the pharmacy. Also have the pharmacist check the ones you have been taking. 

That would be my first stop. Unless of course your H is picking up your Rx for you...

Then I think you need to have a police officer come by to help when your H and your kids are not around. Because this is not normal. Hope you can at least walk to services, or maybe bicycle?

Do you have a cell phone? You can get a secret one from an agency that helps women. Check around. But you also need to make sure you delete your browsing history.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> I have done done research and found a few places I can call. I plan on doing so tomorrow. Couldn't really do it with him home.


Do you have a cell phone? You live on 50 acres. Is there a room you can go to? Can you go for a walk and call while you are walking? Of course tomorrow is soon enough. But surely if you creative you can get in touch with people even when he's at home.



daugherty3 said:


> We have a joint account with his name on it. So not really sure if anything can he done.


Is your name on the joint account? I'm not sure due to the way you worded that.




daugherty3 said:


> He is in charge of the finances. We are never apart , so he says there is no need in me having a card.


All you have to do is to go to the bank and get a card. If your name is on the account he cannot stop you from having one.

Also, you can open an account in your name only. Use your sister's address so that it's private. It usually takes only about $25 to open an account. Then you an contact the disability folks and have your disability deposited into your account.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts...

Will your family help you get out of this situation? You need to talk to a lawyer about your situation. Proving emotional abuse is difficult, and it may or may not make a bearing in your situation in any case. So you need advice on your actual situation. 

Due to your circumstances, getting legal advice sounds like it will be a challenge. Squirreling away money, getting to see your lawyer, etc... So if your family can help, it will make things much easier. Either setting up and paying for the lawyer so you can talk to them in the phone, giving you rides, etc...

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of the reasons that I suggested her looking into the domestic abuse organizations is that they often know of lawyers who will do pro bono work for a person in her situation. These organizations also will often find ways to provide transportation.

HNU also brought up independent living associations. 

The OP needs more support than most people would. So she needs to lay the groundwork by contacting the organizations mentioned. Then contacting attorneys.

Between the domestic abuse, independent living associations and lawyers there will be help in her getting her disability going to her own account, getting alimony and child support, perhaps even some welfare, food stamps, etc. 

daugherty3.. you need an exit plan.


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## daugherty3 (Aug 3, 2014)

I want to thank all of you for the advice and suggestions. I am about to get started on it all of it. Wish me luck....


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Wishing the best for you and your family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daugherty3 said:


> I want to thank all of you for the advice and suggestions. I am about to get started on it all of it. Wish me luck....


Good luck and keep up posted!!


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