# Generating More Intimacy with my Wife



## Istryingenough?

Hello all. First I want to thank everyone on this forum for advice that has been given in the past. I am still looking for some more personal expedience, specific advice, and general knowledge on what has worked for you on how on how to generate more intimacy in my marriage. Not necessary sex or sexual contact, at least not in the beginning, but more along the lines showing my wife that I am focused on her, that I "see" her, and that I love her. 

This post is a follow from a post I created last week but in that post I feel like I didn't drive the right conversations and potentially in the wrong sub topic. It was pointed out that is was a "me, me, me" post and I am looking start fresh to avoid all things "me" and focus on her. 
Previous Post

I have, for some time, failed to create intimate moments, and have not shown her the love she so much deserves. I often look up ways to generate intimacy and do one or two of them for a short while, such as asking to give/giving massages, or a big huge hug when i come from from work, but my consistency wanes - for whatever reason - and that lack of consistency is gravely hurting our relationship. How have all been able to continually generate intimacy in your relationships, what do you do? 

I have worked on many things, with various success, such as listening intently and locking eyes when having a conversation, giving massages, sitting close and making physical contact with my arm around her and pulling her close, hiding sweet notes around for her to find and read, making breakfast and bringing it to her, sincerely thanking her for all the wonderful things she does for our family, planning dates, etc. I again mention consistency and I often do one or more of these well for a few days or a week, but then i slowly do it less and less and forget. It's terrible and I hate that i am hurting my wife. I know it seems, and should be, easy to do all these things on a consistent basis and although there has been marginal improvement over time I still lack the consistency. 

I know I need to focus on my wife day in and day out, and continually think about her, put myself in her shoes, and ask myself "did I create an intimate moment today?". I am beginning to ask myself daily and really reflecting on what I did or didn't do. 

Any suggestions on more ways to be intimate, show my love, focus on her, and in general be the husband she so deserves would be much appreictaed. 

Thank you all again for your time and suggestions.


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## Diana7

From what you have said it sounds as if you put a lot of effort into being a good husband to be honest. In what ways does she do the same? 

Have you both read the five love languages?


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## Istryingenough?

Diana7 said:


> From what you have said it sounds as if you put a lot of effort into being a good husband to be honest. In what ways does she do the same?
> 
> Have you both read the five love languages?


Thank you for the reply. I have put in more time and effort as times has gone by and currently I am not a "bad" husband per say but there is no little to no intimacy in our relationship and this is falls squarely on me and my actions (or lack there of). 

To answer your other questions, yes she is very wonderful. At the beginning of our relationship, before children and other life pressures, she gave so much into our relationship. Likely too much (we have talked about that that agree). Back then she gave 90% and I gave 10% and she carried our relationship from an intimacy, emotional, and physical standpoint and she did this to her detriment. It has taken years to a place where we could even be considered to be meeting in the middle. And I know if I want to put our marriage on the right path, a path full of love, fun, and intimacy, i need to do more and be consistent. I can't stress enough how important being consistent is to my wife and how often i have failed on that front. 

Yes we both have read and are aware of each others love languages. For my wife I know I need to concentrate on Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Those are her top three by a very long shot while Acts of Service and Gifts are significantly lower for her. We just reengaged on a conversation in these love languages and what i am doing to in those buckets - this is where the idea of leaving notes around came from.


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## Diana7

I am not sure the lack of intimacy falls all on you. You seem very hard on your self.


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## Fly With Me

This is a fwiw pure opinion piece. But if it is coming from a place of "should" rather than desire you will likely always struggle with consistency. I wonder whether you are offering yourself the kind of love you are trying to offer her. Because if you are purely focused on her, the parts of you that need that level of love and attention will probably sabotage you after a while. You are important too. 

Also I am curious about her response. Loving her and feeling her response to that love, her delight in that love, feels good providing intrinsic motivation to continue. Is she withholding her delight from you? Perhaps because she can feel your "should" motivation? 

Just a few late night ponderings to throw into the mix ;-p


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## Istryingenough?

Diana7 said:


> I am not sure the lack of intimacy falls all on you. You seem very hard on your self.


Whenever i am able to consistently provide intimacy there is precocity from my wife's end. Early in our relationship, as mentioned, she gave gave gave and I took took took and i have depleted that bank in which to draw from. I know I am the one that need to give, initiate intimacy, and take the lead. When i successfully take the lead and able to do that, that is mutual intimacy....but when i fail and the consistency stops the hurt i cause her only gets deeper.


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## Young at Heart

Istryingenough? said:


> ........I am still looking for some more personal expedience, specific advice, and general knowledge on what has worked for you on how on how to generate more intimacy in my marriage. Not necessary sex or sexual contact, at least not in the beginning, but *more along the lines showing my wife that I am focused on her*, that I "see" her, and that I love her.
> 
> ....I have, for some time, failed to create intimate moments, and have not shown her the love she so much deserves. I often look up ways to generate intimacy and do one or two of them for a short while, such as asking to give/giving massages, or a big huge hug when i come from from work, but my consistency wanes - for whatever reason - and that lack of consistency is gravely hurting our relationship. How have all been able to continually generate intimacy in your relationships, what do you do?
> 
> .........but then i slowly do it less and less and forget. It's terrible and I hate that i am hurting my wife........
> I know I need to focus on my wife day in and day out, and continually think about her, put myself in her shoes, and ask myself "did I create an intimate moment today?". I* am beginning to ask myself daily and really reflecting *on what I did or didn't do....


A few thoughts. First, we are all imperfect and human beings. This includes you and your wife. We struggle every day to do good and improve things. We are not perfect. Forgive your wife and forgive yourself for your failings.

I would ask that you do some introspection on your "laundry list" of activities, such as massages, hugs, etc. If you have read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, you should be familiar with the phrase covert contracts. These are things you do with the hope that you will get something in return. Usually, a spouse knows what you mean by your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, actions, etc. Let me repeat that, if you are doing things for your wife as a covert contract in the hope of getting the intimacy in return that you desire, she probably knows what you are doing. And she probably finds it childish, manipulative, and disgusting. So stop it.

One of the hard things I needed to do was to truly forgive myself and my wife. Then when I did things for her to make her feel cherished, I had to work very hard to make sure that I expected nothing in return. What I needed to do was to break the cycle. I needed to give her freely of my love without a quid pro quo expectation. She found that hard to believe at times, she expected a catch or covert expectation. She tested me often until she finally started to believe that I did cherish her and was not engaged in covert contracts.

To accomplish that, I needed to really question my motives and change my core expectations. In reality, I only think people can do that for so long, so I challenged myself to about 2 years to work at rebuilding my marriage and create a situation in which a loving sexual relationship could florish with my wife (if she choose that)...................or move on and divorce her to find such a relationship. That was a promise to myself, it was my new reality. It was not a threat to my wife to try to make her change. She could do what she wanted. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. In fact I had no intention of telling her, except that the Sex Therapist who helped rebuild our marriage dragged it out of me during a session.

In addition to introspection, affirmations or "self-hypnosis" was the most important tool I had to change my attitudes toward my wife, to heal the pain I felt, to heal myself in the way I treated women, and to forgive her.

Good luck.


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## Blondilocks

Why does the site say you have created 4 discussions when there are only 3? Did you have a thread deleted?


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## aaarghdub

I would like to mention attachment styles as they play a HUGE role in intimacy. You’re either secure, anxious or avoidant. Avoidants have/need the least amount of intimacy until they are about to lose it and flip to anxious. Or they may feel smothered and leave. The irony is they hate to be alone but don’t wanna be close either.

People will move around the spectrum based on family of origin, past relationships and whatever is going on in the marriage.

Consistency is important especially for avoidants. Avoidants come on hard early on to “seal the deal” and then cool quickly. But if you’re all over the place intimacy-wise, they shut that part off and focus just on coexisting. If they have something else to focus on like career or work, this justifies the low intimacy and serves as a buffer.

Anxious people tend to hyper focus on their partner. The avoidant prefers to keep you at a distance so when you pursue they back off (like two opposite magnets). The anxious gets frustrated and pursues more and eventually gives up. This cycle is why most avoidant/anxious couples split. Think like a satellite in orbit. Too little speed it crashes, too much it flies off into space. Avoidants need the proper speed all the time.

As I’m married to avoidant with intimacy issues I can relate. She was all about intimacy early on, improving our relationship, etc and then job and kids came and suddenly the only intimacy she’s interested in is sex. Any sign she has to be vulnerable or own something. she’s on the defensive. If I turn down the thermostat on the relationship, she goes on the attack.

I would quit going over the top because you can’t sustain it and will burn out. You can’t make someone else crave/improve intimacy. 

Intimacy is something both partners should want. When one doesn’t they are protecting themselves from shame, past hurts, etc. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CatholicDad

Are you attracted to her?

I really can’t fathom how you could sleep every night in the same bed and not be intimate for over a year.

Are you satisfying your desire for sex elsewhere such that your wife gets nothing? This is an incredibly cruel thing to do to a spouse. Sorry brother.


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## Istryingenough?

Fly With Me said:


> This is a fwiw pure opinion piece. But if it is coming from a place of "should" rather than desire you will likely always struggle with consistency. I wonder whether you are offering yourself the kind of love you are trying to offer her. Because if you are purely focused on her, the parts of you that need that level of love and attention will probably sabotage you after a while. You are important too.
> 
> Also I am curious about her response. Loving her and feeling her response to that love, her delight in that love, feels good providing intrinsic motivation to continue. Is she withholding her delight from you? Perhaps because she can feel your "should" motivation?
> 
> Just a few late night ponderings to throw into the mix ;-p


Interesting thought and something I need to delve into more and think about. I desire a long heathy and happy relationship with my wife, the day to day "should"s are interesting as I know I am certainly a procrastinator, do it later, doesn't have to get done now person which in direct contract with my wife which has been a sticking point from a physical/emotional standpoint but also a mow the lawn or clean the pool standpoint.

I do know that focusing on her, helps our relationship, and when she is happy (or at least happier) then this brings joy to me. So by focusing on her, it in a roundabout ways, is focusing on myself. 

In the current state, her responses to my gestures are often met with neutrality b/c once she drops the neutrality, and opens her self back up, the consistency (that i keep talking about) often wanes, and it ends up hurting her. Just another emotional scar and each cut becomes deeper and deeper to the points where i am terrified that there is not coming back...


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## Istryingenough?

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts. First, we are all imperfect and human beings. This includes you and your wife. We struggle every day to do good and improve things. We are not perfect. Forgive your wife and forgive yourself for your failings.
> 
> I would ask that you do some introspection on your "laundry list" of activities, such as massages, hugs, etc. If you have read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, you should be familiar with the phrase covert contracts. These are things you do with the hope that you will get something in return. Usually, a spouse knows what you mean by your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, actions, etc. Let me repeat that, if you are doing things for your wife as a covert contract in the hope of getting the intimacy in return that you desire, she probably knows what you are doing. And she probably finds it childish, manipulative, and disgusting. So stop it.
> 
> One of the hard things I needed to do was to truly forgive myself and my wife. Then when I did things for her to make her feel cherished, I had to work very hard to make sure that I expected nothing in return. What I needed to do was to break the cycle. I needed to give her freely of my love without a quid pro quo expectation. She found that hard to believe at times, she expected a catch or covert expectation. She tested me often until she finally started to believe that I did cherish her and was not engaged in covert contracts.
> 
> To accomplish that, I needed to really question my motives and change my core expectations. In reality, I only think people can do that for so long, so I challenged myself to about 2 years to work at rebuilding my marriage and create a situation in which a loving sexual relationship could florish with my wife (if she choose that)...................or move on and divorce her to find such a relationship. That was a promise to myself, it was my new reality. It was not a threat to my wife to try to make her change. She could do what she wanted. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. In fact I had no intention of telling her, except that the Sex Therapist who helped rebuild our marriage dragged it out of me during a session.
> 
> In addition to introspection, affirmations or "self-hypnosis" was the most important tool I had to change my attitudes toward my wife, to heal the pain I felt, to heal myself in the way I treated women, and to forgive her.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you very much for this write up - I found this to be very interesting. I most certainly need focus on not performing these "covert contracts" as my wife has often mentioned that my actions don't feel genuine. I truly need to find actions that are genuine and that bring pleasure to us, not just to one of us. For instance, massages - i like giving massages, touching my wife, rubbing her back and neck, kissing her on the neck while performing the massage, I very much enjoy that. I also know that she usually enjoys massages, again when they feel genuine and not as a task/chore. 

I've also worked, but need to continue to work on, being in the moment and well as the affirmations you speak of. 

How did you work through not expecting anything in return as you worked through the process? I ask mainly because, at this time I don't for much from my wife, other than leniency when I do screw up, especially after a short while of things trending upward, a small (or not so small) misstep could lead to a worse situation than before the misstep. I often then get in my head and can get argumentative and/or defensive which then, of course, makes things worse. I believes I have made strides here also, but still have a tendency to get defensive at times.


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## Istryingenough?

CatholicDad said:


> Are you attracted to her?
> 
> I really can’t fathom how you could sleep every night in the same bed and not be intimate for over a year.
> 
> Are you satisfying your desire for sex elsewhere such that your wife gets nothing? This is an incredibly cruel thing to do to a spouse. Sorry brother.


Yes, I find my wife very attractive. Since our child was born (nearly 7 yo) we have co-slept - for a while it was all three of us in a bed and for the past ~4 years my wife sleeps with our child and I sleep separately. 

I have never cheated on my wife nor would i ever cheat on my wife.


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## Istryingenough?

aaarghdub said:


> I would like to mention attachment styles as they play a HUGE role in intimacy. You’re either secure, anxious or avoidant. Avoidants have/need the least amount of intimacy until they are about to lose it and flip to anxious. Or they may feel smothered and leave. The irony is they hate to be alone but don’t wanna be close either.
> 
> People will move around the spectrum based on family of origin, past relationships and whatever is going on in the marriage.
> 
> Consistency is important especially for avoidants. Avoidants come on hard early on to “seal the deal” and then cool quickly. But if you’re all over the place intimacy-wise, they shut that part off and focus just on coexisting. If they have something else to focus on like career or work, this justifies the low intimacy and serves as a buffer.
> 
> Anxious people tend to hyper focus on their partner. The avoidant prefers to keep you at a distance so when you pursue they back off (like two opposite magnets). The anxious gets frustrated and pursues more and eventually gives up. This cycle is why most avoidant/anxious couples split. Think like a satellite in orbit. Too little speed it crashes, too much it flies off into space. Avoidants need the proper speed all the time.
> 
> As I’m married to avoidant with intimacy issues I can relate. She was all about intimacy early on, improving our relationship, etc and then job and kids came and suddenly the only intimacy she’s interested in is sex. Any sign she has to be vulnerable or own something. she’s on the defensive. If I turn down the thermostat on the relationship, she goes on the attack.
> 
> I would quit going over the top because you can’t sustain it and will burn out. You can’t make someone else crave/improve intimacy.
> 
> Intimacy is something both partners should want. When one doesn’t they are protecting themselves from shame, past hurts, etc.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wow. Thank you for this post, this is so very interesting. I have not yet seen or read about the secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles but I lot of that in play in our relationship. I plan to look into this much more! 

Given these overviews, I am very much an avoidant (although i would have thought I was an anxious) and my wife is most definitely a secure. At least she was very secure in all of past relationships but all the hurt that I have caused her from unintentional rejections and not knowing the impact that would have on my wife may definitely have moved her into the anxious category now. The statement that "Consistency is important especially for avoidants" couldn't ring more true as i mentioned in my post. I know i certainly had a tendency to focus on other things, pretended like things weren't happening or things "were fine" or "will be fine" and that avoidance of the issues has clearly made things worse. I am working on being hyper focused on wife and working on the things she needs form our (or any) relationship to ensure it's happy and healthy. 

Given your history, how did you work on aligning you and your wife intimacy goals, how did you support what she needed, and how did she support what you needed?


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## Young at Heart

Istryingenough? said:


> ........I most certainly need focus on not performing these "covert contracts" as my wife has often mentioned that my actions don't feel genuine.
> 
> ......i like giving massages, touching my wife, rubbing her back and neck, kissing her on the neck while performing the massage, I very much enjoy that. I also know that she usually enjoys massages, again when they feel genuine and not as a task/chore.
> 
> ....I've also worked, but need to continue to work on, being in the moment and well as the affirmations you speak of.
> 
> ....How did you work through not expecting anything in return as you worked through the process?
> 
> ....... I often then get in my head and can get argumentative and/or defensive which then, of course, makes things worse. I believes I have made strides here also, but still have a tendency to get defensive at times.


As I said you need to do a lot of introspection on your motives. Massage is a good example. When you are massaging your wife, are you thinking how good it feels to touch her? Or....are you focusing on reading her body's reaction to your touch? There isn't a problem with enjoying the closeness of touching her, but what is your mental focus...........her pleasure or how good it feels for you?

Affirmations and visualization are incredibly powerful tools in self change. Have you tried to massage your wife, while you silently stated in you head how much you want her to be happy, how much you want to feel her body relax in your hands, how much you want to hear her breathing relax to your touch and become one with your? All without thinking about how good it feels to you?

How did I focus on giving? First I forgave her of any bad feelings I had for her. Affirmations helped as realizing that she was a flawed human being struggling to do good, just as I had my flaws. Second, I was focusing on improving myself so that I could have a loving sexual relationship. I needed to become a person who could give love. I needed to become a person who was not needy for touch or intimacy, as being sexually, sensually needs is not sexy in a man. I needed to focus on changing myself and the way I treated women.

During Sex Therapy sessions with a great marriage counselor and sex therapist, the ST told me that my wife was at times like a rebellious teenager. In such situations, I needed to be the adult in the room and calmly not be pulled into an argument or fight with my wife. If I could smile (in my mind tell myself that I needed to react in an adult manner......remember that I too have acted rebeliously at times in my youth, middle and old age) and not get angry at her, then we could have an interesting conversation. One instance was I took her out for a romantic dinner and she verbally lashed out at me at the dinner table. I looked over at her and asked her why did she say what she just did? She looked confused and said she didn't know. She then apologized and we had a nice dinner and drive home.

In must relationships we train each other into a structured dance that either builds or harms our marriage. Often it is some of both. To change yourself after years of being trained by your wife is a hard challenge.

Good luck.


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## CatholicDad

Any guy wanting intimacy with a woman should start by sharing a bed with her. Ancient wisdom here…


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

CatholicDad said:


> Any guy wanting intimacy with a woman should start by sharing a bed with her. Ancient wisdom here…


Isn't that lustful?

I apologize in advance. I know that was snarky but sometimes you bring that out.

Other times you're logical and on point, so I'm not saying you're never not hard to grok.


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## Istryingenough?

CatholicDad said:


> Any guy wanting intimacy with a woman should start by sharing a bed with her. Ancient wisdom here…


Thank you, I understand and respect you response but I am also looking for advice and suggestions outside of the realm of sex. Creating intimacy, physical contact and desire, that leads to the bedroom.


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## aaarghdub

Istryingenough? said:


> Given your history, how did you work on aligning you and your wife intimacy goals, how did you support what she needed, and how did she support what you needed?


Actually, I stopped the pursuit and focused more on myself and my wants and needs and making her life perfect. When you do, it’s like when the AC cycles off and gets really quiet. You have to not be afraid to say no and set boundaries. 

I poured my heart and soul into her business hoping it would bring us together, she took me for granted so I left her to her devices and started pursuing my CPA license. It eventually died. She’s not a big touch/massage person, I am, so I go once a month. Before I was afraid of what she though now I’m not. She’s always free to give me one. I used to be frustrated she just wanted a ride to the gym vs working out together so I started CrossFit and get my fix there. Now she’ll be disappointed if she has to go by herself. She thought golf is dumb so I leave her at home and play with my buddies. She routinely wants me to do stuff with her but after years of her telling me to have fun when I wanna do stuff together I now reciprocate in kind. I was going along hoping for more attraction/attention which never works.

Not much has changed as she’s now consumed with her full-time school job. I mentioned we’re growing apart but as long as she has a job and kids here she’ll continue to bury her head in the sand. Irony alert… she’s also a therapist by trade. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver

Istryingenough? said:


> Thank you, I understand and respect you response but I am also looking for advice and suggestions outside of the realm of sex. Creating intimacy, physical contact and desire, that leads to the bedroom.


I think to get closer to anyone that it's necessary to share interests and actively participate in them together it just generates satisfaction and passion and conversation.


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## CatholicDad

Istryingenough? said:


> Thank you, I understand and respect you response but I am also looking for advice and suggestions outside of the realm of sex. Creating intimacy, physical contact and desire, that leads to the bedroom.


maybe you misunderstood me? I’m suggesting that sleeping and holding someone all night is about as non-sexually intimate as you can get. This is 8 hours of non-sexual intimacy every night- rain or shine.


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## Personal

CatholicDad said:


> maybe you misunderstood me? I’m suggesting that sleeping and holding someone all night is about as non-sexually intimate as you can get. This is 8 hours of non-sexual intimacy every night- rain or shine.


Yep I agree, sleeping together isn't always about sexual intimacy. Way back when, on some occasions when I would stay over at one of my dear platonic friends places, I would share her bed through the night.

That said I cringe at the idea of holding someone all night and vice versa. I mean give it enough time that arm or leg ends up feeling like a miserable weight draped over ones body, "so get off of me" or pushing the person off can be a refreshing relief.


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## Personal

CatholicDad said:


> Any guy wanting intimacy with a woman should start by sharing a bed with her. Ancient wisdom here…


From plenty of experience I always find, smiling, talking, then touching and kissing, is a far better place to start.


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## Personal

Istryingenough? said:


> I have worked on many things, with various success, such as listening intently and locking eyes when having a conversation, giving massages, sitting close and making physical contact with my arm around her and pulling her close, hiding sweet notes around for her to find and read, making breakfast and bringing it to her, sincerely thanking her for all the wonderful things she does for our family, planning dates, etc. I again mention consistency and I often do one or more of these well for a few days or a week, but then i slowly do it less and less and forget. It's terrible and I hate that i am hurting my wife. I know it seems, and should be, easy to do all these things on a consistent basis and although there has been marginal improvement over time I still lack the consistency.


And how is that working out for you, when you do manage to sustain that? I mean do you find that generates more intimacy with your wife, or is it more of a meh from her?


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## DudeInProgress

Istryingenough? said:


> Thank you very much for this write up - I found this to be very interesting. I most certainly need focus on not performing these "covert contracts" as my wife has often mentioned that my actions don't feel genuine. I truly need to find actions that are genuine and that bring pleasure to us, not just to one of us. For instance, massages - i like giving massages, touching my wife, rubbing her back and neck, kissing her on the neck while performing the massage, I very much enjoy that. I also know that she usually enjoys massages, again when they feel genuine and not as a task/chore.
> 
> I've also worked, but need to continue to work on, being in the moment and well as the affirmations you speak of.
> 
> How did you work through not expecting anything in return as you worked through the process? I ask mainly because, at this time I don't for much from my wife, other than leniency when I do screw up, especially after a short while of things trending upward, a small (or not so small) misstep could lead to a worse situation than before the misstep. I often then get in my head and can get argumentative and/or defensive which then, of course, makes things worse. I believes I have made strides here also, but still have a tendency to get defensive at times.





Istryingenough? said:


> Interesting thought and something I need to delve into more and think about. I desire a long heathy and happy relationship with my wife, the day to day "should"s are interesting as I know I am certainly a procrastinator, do it later, doesn't have to get done now person which in direct contract with my wife which has been a sticking point from a physical/emotional standpoint but also a mow the lawn or clean the pool standpoint.
> 
> I do know that focusing on her, helps our relationship, and when she is happy (or at least happier) then this brings joy to me. So by focusing on her, it in a roundabout ways, is focusing on myself.
> 
> In the current state, her responses to my gestures are often met with neutrality b/c once she drops the neutrality, and opens her self back up, the consistency (that i keep talking about) often wanes, and it ends up hurting her. Just another emotional scar and each cut becomes deeper and deeper to the points where i am terrified that there is not coming back...


Your entire thread gives off the impression of a perpetually apologetic, timid, supplicating husband chasing his wife for affection and validation. 
And if that’s how your wife is perceiving you as well, it’s extremely unattractive. And if that’s the case, you are completely destroying any respect and attraction she might have had for you.

Women (including your wife) respect and are attracted to strong, confident, competent, fun/playful men who can lead in the relationship. 

Women do not respect weak, passive, needy, overly supplicating, emotionally reactive men who need their validation or approval.


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## Divinely Favored

CatholicDad said:


> Any guy wanting intimacy with a woman should start by sharing a bed with her. Ancient wisdom here…


And get kids OUT of your bed and in tgeir own!


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## Istryingenough?

Personal said:


> And how is that working out for you, when you do manage to sustain that? I mean do you find that generates more intimacy with your wife, or is it more of a meh from her?


I find that this is relatively successful and does generate intimacy...when it's consistent. So ensuring it's consistent and I/we don't get consumed with all the distractions in life is certainly one of the areas that I could use advice. I have, in the past, put reminder on my phone but that feels like a "checklist item" and certainly not genuine to her. Even if it's something I do want to do, if a "ding" reminds me, that the level of genuinity is gone.


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## Istryingenough?

DudeInProgress said:


> Your entire thread gives off the impression of a perpetually apologetic, timid, supplicating husband chasing his wife for affection and validation.
> And if that’s how your wife is perceiving you as well, it’s extremely unattractive. And if that’s the case, you are completely destroying any respect and attraction she might have had for you.
> 
> Women (including your wife) respect and are attracted to strong, confident, competent, fun/playful men who can lead in the relationship.
> 
> Women do not respect weak, passive, needy, overly supplicating, emotionally reactive men who need their validation or approval.


I absolutely agree. I used to have confidence in myself and in our relationship (other than in the sexual relationship side as I have never had confidence on that front, I am seeing a general therapist now and looking for a specialist [ST] to help me work through that) but this has waned over time, I am currently very much apologetic and timid far too often. I lack a any deal of confidence now and I know my wife has mentioned how she wants to see my strong, confident, and competent return. 

Any advice on how to get back that confidence that has waned over the years?


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## BigDaddyNY

I think @CatholicDad dad is absolutely right. You need to start sleeping in the same bed and I suggest sleeping nude or as close to it as you are comfortable with. This isn't for sex, it is for intimacy. One of the most intimate activities my wife and I engage in is sleeping together every night. We always sleep nude. There is nothing more intimated than our naked bodies cuddled up against each other. No one can convince me that your relationship is better off if you don't sleep together. 

I made a change several years ago to me more attentive and loving to my wife. At first it seemed a little awkward and forced, but that was just because it was a new behavior. Before long it became the norm and I truly enjoyed doing things that made her feel more loved and appreciated. The key is you have to want to do it for her or just for the sake of doing the right thing for your spouse, not for a quid pro quo. That brought us closer together and she started to want to do more for me. It has snowballed and our intimacy is through the roof IMO. I'm not talking about sex, we get plenty of that too, but I'm talking about and emotional closeness and love. It did take some work at first, but eventually it just became the norm. I suspect a lot of the things you have been doing just need to be done long enough to stick. 



Istryingenough? said:


> Any advice on how to get back that confidence that has waned over the years?


That is something only you can do. True confidence has to come from within. Start with some self affirmation. When I do something right I'm not ashamed to think to myself, "damn dude, you rock!" Also, do something to make yourself better. Start and stick to a new gym or home workout routine, learned a new skill.


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## Young at Heart

Istryingenough? said:


> I absolutely agree. I used to have confidence in myself and in our relationship (other than in the sexual relationship side as I have never had confidence on that front, I am seeing a general therapist now and looking for a specialist [ST] to help me work through that) but this has waned over time, I am currently very much apologetic and timid far too often. I lack a any deal of confidence now and I know my wife has mentioned how she wants to see my strong, confident, and competent return.
> 
> Any advice on how to get back that confidence that has waned over the years?


Based on the above post you should get a copy of Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. A "Nice Guy or NG" is code words for a codependent man, who was raised by women authority figures to always please women (mother, grandmother, baby sitter day care, den mother, female teachers, etc.), and who believes in covert contracts to try to get what he so desperately wants. The transition is not from NG to jerk, but from NG to an integrated man who is confident and knows himself and his needs.

Good luck in building your confidence and pride in who you are.


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## Quad73

Istryingenough? said:


> I absolutely agree. I used to have confidence in myself and in our relationship (other than in the sexual relationship side as I have never had confidence on that front, I am seeing a general therapist now and looking for a specialist [ST] to help me work through that) but this has waned over time, I am currently very much apologetic and timid far too often. I lack a any deal of confidence now and I know my wife has mentioned how she wants to see my strong, confident, and competent return.
> 
> Any advice on how to get back that confidence that has waned over the years?


Find a copy of The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay, a refresher course in being assertive and confident.


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## Mr.Married

The answer is really simple. She isn’t interested in your intimacy.... she won’t even get in bed with you for YEARS. Seems pretty obvious. You can formulate, hypothesize, and wonder but in the end ... the answer is obvious. I’m always completely bewildered by how little people recognize what is obvious when it comes to relationships. They rationalize everything away in self protection only to hurt or fool themselves further. I guess until I’m in one of those person’s shoes I’m never going to understand...... oh wait ..... I would never do that chit.


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## christine29

Does she even know you have problem? Have you talked to her about it? I think you just need to start talking to her, touch here and there, be yourself and remember why she got attracted to you in the first place.


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## happyhusband0005

I have always found with my wife that when is as important as what I do. For example I might pick up on that she has had a typically stressful day, so maybe I clean up after dinner (normal routine is I cook she cleans) and maybe I'll fold the laundry as well so she can just relax, because I recognize she needs it. The reason why when is important is because it also shows I see she is stressed and want to help relieve that. She appreciates the when as much if not more than the what. 

It sounds like you're having trouble with consistency maybe because you're not a naturally nurturing person. So maybe what you need to do is develop somethings as habits. Always a hug and a kiss on your way out the door, always asking how her day was while preparing dinner. If you can develop certain small things as regular habits doing those might help remind you to do the bigger things more consistently.


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## Julie's Husband

We did not have even intimacy for years. Why did we stay together? We loved the person we were with. Julie is 75 and I am 76. 

When I got prostate cancer and needed to have daily intimacy to prevent atrophy, we had a long conversation. And then another. We found that the lack of intimacy was from a horrible misunderstanding.

I came through the cancer treatment sexually intact and fairly randy, but she has had physical issues since menopause and cannot have intercourse so we have learned new ways to pleasure each other.

I suddenly learned how to talk "dirty", which she enjoys. I like to hold her with my hands on her buns out in public. Sometimes I look intently and deeply into her eyes and tell her "I see (the young, beautiful) you in there. You can't hide from me." We like to cuddle and practice our new intimacy. But it is a casual, ever present interaction all day and night.

So unless your wife is really resistant, maybe you overthink it. Might be good to just relax and build a "sexy" relationship as we've done.


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