# Hope I doing the right thing by letting go of hope!



## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

It's been 2.5 months since H asked for separation and briskly moved out. Our son and I (5) moved too (i'm the resident parent) and I've gone through the gamut of emotions: angry, devastated, and hopeful that it would all still work out.

I noticed though, that by hanging on to hope of reconciliation, I felt terrible and like I was not taking care of myself. He is trying to skip to the amicable and civil part right away and I've more recently asked for little/no contact except to discuss son or finances. I feel better as a result and have come to the conclusion that his asking for the separation is just too much for me to bounce back from...

My main issue in the marriage was his EA and one foot out the door approach that left me lonely and angry. Now, the rejection (once again) felt via the separation is just more of the same and I feel like I need to move on.

I told him today during a rare upfront phone conversation that I was sure I was done. He has not tried to address/repair our relationship in any way, but stated that he was not attached to any outcome. I feel like I need more to go on to consider any sort of reconciliation. He has been confused and unsure about me for too long. 

But I'm worried that I'm drawing the line too soon since we have a family at stake? Any thoughts? I just have this gut feeling about him that I can't trust him (partly my issue too of course!) and worry about dragging our son through a reconciliation only to end up 'here' again. I don't want to be too hasty but also don't want to hang on to false hope.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He's sitting on the fence because you haven't made him get off yet. It is not the right thing for him to do but he is using your indecision to keep his options open. You don't need more to go on in this, you have everything you need to make this decision, you are still in the marriage still but he is not, it takes both so for your own sake its time to let him go. You are wise not to push for a hasty R because he is not doing anything to earn your trust back after betraying it with a EA.

I know it sounds crappy, I'm trying to deal with this same rejection and also in the process of convincing myself to let go. Wondering how someone can give up on a commitment like this, I may never know and when I realize it doesn't matter than I will know that I've successfully detached.


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## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm having a similar problem. We've been married for 14 years and I don't want to give up to easily, but at the same time the in limbo stage is killing me and as of yet, I am still the only one committed to making our marriage work. This is too big a dicision to mess up, but how to you know if you are or aren't?


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

Thanks guys. I always appreciate the honest perspectives. It would all be so much more straight forward if I didn't get the "i love yous' and crap like that. I don't think he knows what he wants but his actions seem to dictate the direction of things. He made the decision to part but I feel left with the responsibility of following through...which is par for the course in this relationship. Another reason I need to release it. Uggg. Knowing that in time this will be easier and I'll be glad I let go...i hope.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah you have to let the actions speak, ignore the words. He chose to leave, it is no longer your responsibility to do anything for him. Don't think of the follow through as having to do more in the relationship, it is for your own benefit of moving on and taking care of your own needs.


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

@setadrift- I wonder if it feels 'off' holding on to hope because we know deep down that it's just not going to work? It's become clear to me that marriage is very different for me and H and in that sense, I'm not sure we have the same values! 

I believe that love and marriage is mostly a choice (even though I'm also a hopeless romantic somehow too) and an opportunity to peel back the onion layers that perpetuate our self-defeating and therefore, relationship-sabotaging patterns. 

My ex just keeps mentioning how his needs weren't being met. If our marriage is just about getting his needs met, I'm not the one for him. And come to think of it: my needs weren't being met either...ha!


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## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

Good for you! And, I agree that we DO know deep down that its over, we just need some sort of validation or closure somehow. It may never come, but I guess that's part of the process... I guess we're all just put here to do the best that we know how to do with the cards we've been dealt or pulled from the deck.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I would like to give you a little bit of advice from my experience. My husband and I have been separated for over 6 months now. I left the house because my husband doesn't know how to be a husband. I posted my story on a different thread. During the first month of the separation, I didn't buy any furniture to furnish my apartment. I only had a futon to sleep on, because I was hoping we will have a reconciliation. I was thinking my husband will finally realize that our marriage is important and we will come to an agreement to do everything we possibly can to fix it. Months and months go by, he still keeps in touch with me, asking me how I am, If I need anything, etc. etc. I keep waiting for him to open the line of communication towards our reconciliation. He would ask me to dinner, and I would gladly go, thinking tonight is the night. The months went by and still nothing. Finally, I bit the bullet and told him I loved him and I still want our marriage to work out. He said, he doesn't know where he's at. That's like a knife to my heart. But you know what, after that incident, I felt relief...I was able to tell my family who is in another country what was going on in my life. (I was trying to hide it from them thinking reconciliation will happen.) I realize, this man that I married will never loved me the way a husband should love his wife. I looked in the mirror and saw the possibility of living life again. Am I lonely? everyday I am. but day by day, the hurt lessens. I can talk to him now without holding my breath for reconciliation. I took the power away from him regarding my happiness. If you feel like you would do anything to make your marriage work, but your husband is not showing the same thing, you need to move on, because even if you do reconcile because of your own effort which is enough for the two of you, it won't be long and you will feel resentment and bitterness again. It's better to heal, and be done with a relationship that is one sided.
Sorry it's a long response, are you yawning? lol!


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I will be letting go when we have our talk in 2 days. He has made no effort to want anything but "I don't know". In my heart I know he wants his affair partner but is unwilling to be honest about any decision. He has no answers or decisions, so I guess I will have to man up and make the decision for him. Our annv is next week..9 years and two kids that he is dumping down the drain. It breaks my heart and at times, I don't feel I can take it anymore.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I decided to let go as of last week. I asked my husband if there was anything left to salvage. His response was "as of right now, no." I actually exhaled and let go. As crazy as it sounds, me giving birth just a couple days after that has helped me to refocus. I simply don't have the time or energy to invest in him anymore. I have a week old baby and a 10 and 8 year old who need me much more. Its hard being alone after having a c-section. I have to do everything by myself and for myself. The fact that he hasn't offered to help me in anyway has also showed me his total disinterest in me and our so-called marriage. The other woman doesn't help either...I digress. 

Anyway, I've tried not to look at this as letting go of something worth saving but as my holding on to myself for a change. I'm actually concerned with my well being and my needs and not wondering what I can do to soften his heart and meet his needs. I'm showing a higher regard for my feelings and my children's needs from their mother. I'm not letting go, I'm actually holding on tighter to myself...does this make sense? I can ramble at times.

Try to stay positive, not about the marriage, but about your ability to pull through. Maybe not unscathed but in a more complete whole piece. The nicks and scratches we get along the way just ad character if looked at in a positive light. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

yummy2011- for you husband to do that to you when you have just given birth to his child- what an absolute idiot. heartless, selfish despicable man. Please go and see your family doctor you need all the support you can get at this time and do not want to risk getting post-natal depression.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I have a wonderful support system. Lots of friends and family call me and come see me and the kids. I have had a few moments of tears but that's normal even if things were good between him and I. I just know that letting go can be hard but its not impossible!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

My H packed his and his daughters things and left while I was at work. I cried out for him once and nuthin....crickets. that was almost 5 months ago. Other than taking care of financial things we have had no contact. When I cried out for some emotional help and got nuthin in return I knew this goose was cooked and began that pain of letting him go. which was easier than when I was wishing and hoping and not knowing if he was coming back. I never felt the need to express to him that I was moving on because I knew deep down inside he did not care, and had already moved on. Today I can say I am better off with everything that happened as it did, and I can't say I am really happier because of it...but life just for me is pretty darn good ;o) Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.


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## DadAgain (Nov 22, 2011)

Don't give up.


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## ngonza (Nov 8, 2012)

Separted 1 year..I packed him out the door. Saw me suffer over bills & rent and never picked up a phone for a job. 2 years of this... Now we see & sleep together, but I have to let go ..he is no good for me I know this! He is on drugs and is bringing me down with him..calls me dumb ass when we argue...and said I am going crazy he is with the other meth head... I wish I had it in me like all you that let go..I NEED TOO SO BADLY!


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

This thread really resonates with me too! It's only been 8 days (who's counting ) but deep down in my heart I know we are done. Yet when he texts me or calls me to go out, I am always available (and I make myself available partly in case he says he changed his mind). I really need to start letting go...


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## ngonza (Nov 8, 2012)

I agree....with SecretTears (by the way) I can relate to your profile name too. This post makes sense...we were joined at the hip but now I can say we are departed! Trying to let go....


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

I am having the same emotional tug of war as you with similar and different circumstances. The line in the sand is a scary thing because you know you are making the decision and once you do you have only one option or look weak to him if you try to reconcille. Best of luck and love thyself. I will post my story soon just not sure what forum yet.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

We divorced after 8 years. I cried after filing the paperwork (but he instigated the divorce. Just wish I'd filed HIS paperwork ... naive). He didn't seem fazed at all. I did all my accepting, moved out and started life again. 3 months later, he is writing letters, "this is true love, may we try again?" and so on. NO. So the next several years consisted of "punishment", interfering with or denying visitation (we had agreed to joint custody and requested but I didn't know about "judicial discretion". Again, naive. Later, he told me he was gleeful at it all.). So after I put a stop to all his garbage, by hiring an attorney and standing firm on all ... he decides he is in love with me again and wants to marry. I spent a year trying to decide if there was any hint of genuine change. There were red flags, but I went ahead mostly because my attorney told me that despite massively changed circumstances, it was unlikely custody would ever change and I knew it was likelier for further fights to result, etc etc. 

I would say listen to your gut but definitely try to make sense if possible what it is saying. The clearer your internal communication, the less likely you may end up in a jam like many of the ones I did. (I bought into self-blame, etc and took a while to shift.) And the words might be nice, but make sure the actions are there and the actions stick around. Especially don't want to be a convenient "rebound" if they left for affair that fizzled. I worked on myself while we were apart. Happily, although I've been going through a 2 year long hellacious 2nd divorce (he filed); he thought he could just say a few magic words and throw me into a panic attack and I'd be very conveniently gone ... and oh, yes, he wanted me to take all the debt off HIS credit cards to boot. I nicely refused, had a pro se provisional hearing and was allowed to remain in the home and was granted custody of our teenage daughter. He left me to marry some married woman who remains married ... sort of a bad move, as I told him that if he and I were both (got) straight with God and each other, there wasn't anything that wouldn't be solved. He chose to sneer at me and is going to do as much destruction to me as possible; unfortunately, that drags our children in and I am not the very best support as it has been a long tedious and uncertain 2 years, but I try to be a bulwark. 

I think a lot of marriages can be saved, but it takes two people, and they have to both be willing to look at and discard some expectations and make some changes, plus understand that change (genuine) can be pretty hard ... provide enough space that the changing person isn't "jumped on" when they 1st head to the "old habit" (the "jump on" often occurs just as the changer catches his/her error). I think it can sometimes be helpful to have an accountability partner. That's about what I learned, since I worked only on myself; he doesn't have any major problems, according to him. I wouldn't go back if there are any red flags ... I got lulled into a too trusting frame of mind, as things overall did go fairly smoothly the first few years. But often, the last changes or progress can be first to go when stress increases. So I was hit unexpectedly by an unreasonable and demanding person ... hopefully I've learned enough that I never go through anything like it again. 

And hope better luck to those of you still unsure. I would have stuck with it, conditionally at first, had he ever acted seriously like he had regained the senses he seemed to have acquired. I think he would have been a fine man, had that been his choice. But, have to respect that it's not and go on from there.


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## ngonza (Nov 8, 2012)

Yesterday, we had a fight. 9 years married and I'm still holding on for our 10 year Annev in July.:scratchhead: I don't understand myself and why I have continued to hold on too this marriage knowing that he will not change his ways. No work, no money, & will not move back home. This rollercoaster ride is insane. His kind loving words start again. I know he loves me I gave him everything instead of the other way around, but in reality I am the fool and I need to stop myself and give us a long time apart, but here I am again seeing him tonight and he will stay over for a few days maybe until the weekend is over. I just don't want another person to take him from. It's been 24 yrs to toss away. I know It's time I except my life as a separated sleeping with him wife and take it day by day and I hope to God I CAN LET GO SOMEDAY!


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