# Married 11 years and I think I am done, but its really messy!



## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi All, 

I have been married 11 years to my hubby we met online when I was 19 and he lived in the states and I loved in the UK I was very young I moved over there and had a ready made family, he was coming out of a marriage and they had a child. 
My step sons mom is not involved really in his life and I became his Mommy (she even refers to me as his mom) I love him more than life itself (he is 14 this year) I knew on my wedding day I was making a mistake but went through with it. We have never been in love where its passionate etc. 
I dont doubt that my hubby loves me but I get 0 attention, he has no libedo at all. His personal hygine is nasty! He can never hold down a job I have been the main breadwinner the whole marriage. 
We lived in the states for 6 years and then we came back to the UK because I missed home. I had a car accident and my hubby was great for looking after me but I still had to go back to work while he stayed at home playing computer games for 4 years! 
He has recently held a job for 5 months but quit that and is now working in a much lower paid job. 
We have nothing in common apart from the kids, dont get me wrong its not nasty I have just given up caring. I am sick of no attention, I can count on 1 and the amount of times he has kissed me (I mean REALLY kissed me) its normally a kiss on the lips that you would kiss your mum with! The amount of arguments we have has about our crap sex sife is insane (he rejects me and it hurts) 

A few months back an ex bf that I was in love with got back in touch he was having issues we got talking and I was trying to help him and I suppose we had an EA- My husband knew I was talking to him and I was honest that it had messed with my head, I went to meet him again hubby knew and within 2 seconds I wanted to get away it was awful! BUT Its like something was unlocked it was so nice to get some attention.

I have now been talking to an old schol friend for a few months again nothing has happened but he tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how lucky my hubby is we talk about anything abd everything! My Hubby again knows everything and saw the flirting happening, it was only when he saw an email to my sister saying that me and this friend had had a phone convo and it was nice and made us both smile that he has got jealous. 

Last week was my bday, as normal no gifts he got me a card that he didnt even write my name in! I went out with work mates and invited him along he said "no I would rather have a night off and stay home" Even though my Mum had the kids. After a few drinksI thought I would come home and spend time with him and he said "Stay out and have fun there is no point you coming home wasted" I told him I have had enough! I told him everything and how he makes me feel, I said I wanted out but he said that he will try harder...I have heard this so many times and I have run out of fight I really have I have stopped caring! I dont care anymore. The only reason I am staying is because of my kids, my daughter is a Daddys girl and it would break her heart. My "son" is a Mummys boy and I would hope my hubby would let him stay with me but I think he would take him to be spiteful even though I have raised him emotionally and financially. I told him I dont ant to hate him and if we end I want to do it as friends and parents. 

I am only 31 years old, It terrifies me what happens when my kids are grown and gone. I feel trapped because he is in the UK. I dont want to hurt him or my kids but I dont want to be miserable forever. 

I wont lie having this guy be so nice and show me attention has been lovely and if I wasnt married who knows what would happen but he is NOT the reason that this is happening (I havent met him or anything) but it has shown me that I want and need some love and affection. I know after 11 years its not going to be hearts and flowers but it never has been! 

I could write for hours but if you have got this far thank you, I needed to vent! What do I do????


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's never been flowers and whatever, but you still married him. Why? What made you decide to marry him? Was there passion in the beginning? How old is he?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is your husband going to do to keep you? What changes has he made? Has he stopped playing computer games all together? 

I don't think he will change. I know what you are going through as my husband did the same thing.. the rejection, the neglect, the game playing and on and on. IT's not worth it.

See an attorney and do not tell your husband. Find out what you need to do to keep your son with you. Does the fact that you have been his mother and finacial support all these years count? Can you adopt him? Will his mother and/or father allow it.


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## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

I think honestly I was young (I was only just 20 when we married) and had fallen in love with my step son and it was fun playing house! Stupid silly reason looking back as an adult!

He is 34 now.

No there really wasnt much passion, he has a much lower sex drive than me.


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## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What is your husband going to do to keep you? What changes has he made? Has he stopped playing computer games all together?
> 
> I don't think he will change. I know what you are going through as my husband did the same thing.. the rejection, the neglect, the game playing and on and on. IT's not worth it.
> 
> See an attorney and do not tell your husband. Find out what you need to do to keep your son with you. Does the fact that you have been his mother and finacial support all these years count? Can you adopt him? Will his mother and/or father allow it.


The past week he has sent me texts telling me he loves me, he has offered to do more stuff "walk to the shops with me" and we have had sex this week (this is not the norm) 
I dont think this will be a change that will be long term.

When I say his personal hygene sucks I really mean itl He works in a kitchen at the moment and when he came home yesterday I could smell his nasty feet before I saw him and people MUST be able to smell it! Its embarresing! He will go out with no underwear on without showering his feet are black and he just sticks socks on! He will wear creased up clothes and looks just awful!

His Mom would let me keep him I know that 100% but last week when we had the chat my husband said "you best get a visa and considering moving back to the states if you wanna keep the kids" So what do I do stay shut up and just be unhappy?

He is a nice guy but we are more like room mates than anything else.


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## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

I have been talking to my sister we are really close and she said to me that she has never thought that me and my husband "fit" she said we are so different. I want to save the world and I put everyone before me (I am not just saying that) I want to save the world but she made a switch go on when she said "if this was me or your daughter what would you tell us to do" She said that I deseve to be happy and I want to be happy and I want him to be happy, I dont want my daughter to hate me :-(


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gads.. black feet!! yuk

Tell your husband that he has to shower every day as one of the conditions of you staying. See if he will do it. If he has a sense of humor, get him some rubber duckies and kid's shower/bath toys. :rofl:

Sometimes humor helps.

Your husband sounds very depressed. Has he ever seen a doctor for this? Perhaps take him to a doctor. Wilburton helps depression and increases sex drive. Also have his testosterone levels checked.

You really do need to talk to an attorney to find out your rights about your step son and your children.


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## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

lol I have tried the humour aproach and the serious approach none seem to work! 

Yeah If I read this I would think the same but he has always been like this it has just got worse, in fact he said that he has never been as happy as he is now! He thinks our marriage is amazing!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

123abc said:


> lol I have tried the humour aproach and the serious approach none seem to work!
> 
> Yeah If I read this I would think the same but he has always been like this it has just got worse, in fact he said that he has never been as happy as he is now! He thinks our marriage is amazing!


Oh lordy!! you have an amazing marriage! So what's your problem? :slap:

I guess he just does not hear you does he?

I wonder if he would respond to the "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" books. Somehow, if you are going to stay in this marriage you need to find a way to get him to understand that he has to listen to you and meet your needs.


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## 123abc (Jul 22, 2012)

Exactly! He just doesnt get it at all! He doesnt listen and I am just getting sick of the same argument over and over again I have said the same thing so many times I am tired of saying it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So stop doing the same thing over and over... 

Go to the divorce buster’s web site (the book is good too) and look up the 180 they talk about. There are two things that this approach relies on. One is that when you change something in the environment, everything else in the environment has to change. And secondly… if what you are doing does not work stop doing it. Do something else… something completely different.

Sometimes you have to do something very drastic.

One story I recall that is supposed to be real: An old woman complained for years to her husband that he came to the dinner table with no shirt on every night. He just ignored her. Finally, tired of being ignored she decided to join him. And so she served and ate dinner shirtless (and braless) one night. It was the last time her husband came to the dinner table shirtless. She never had to say another word.

Maybe you need to walk around the house exactly the way your husband does… filthy feet and stinking. I know you want to bath regularly… but just get dirty once you are home… maybe rub some anchovies smell (or whatever smell he really hates) on you. And make sure you get close to him. Do this every day for a while. :rofl: 

I’m only half kidding. If I thought that would work I’d do it.

But seriously, check into the 180. … not the 180 link in my signature block below. But one that is completely the opposite from what you are doing now. It will take a bit of work for you to decide what behaviors to change.

Then there is the nuclear option.. sometimes it takes the real threat of divorce to get a spouse to wake up and start listening.


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