# I feel like I am loosing my mind - OM is coming home for holidays.



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him. 
Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction. 
I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…

I told myself many times why we would not have good future together but that little thing in me won’t listen. Why is it so hard??? Why that part of me won’t give up?

I already feel like a worst person for what I did before. 
With each day he crosses my mind more and more. It is not fantasy about us holding hands, but feelings of me being desperate and hopeless. I am afraid what my reaction would be if I meet him somewhere by accident. Just knowing how close he is.
I thought I was doing fine but obviously I am not.
He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…
How to survive his visit without making another mistake or loosing my mind?


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ummm...wait. You had an affair and now you're kind of pining for the OM even though you're still married?

Does you husband know of the affair? Shoot...I guess I've gotta read your story. BRB


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> How to survive his visit without making another mistake or loosing my mind?


Having a sense of morality comes to mind. Wanting something isn't the same as needing it.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay, as soon as I started reading your original thread it came crashing back to me and I remembered your situation.

Good luck.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

AG, I can feel your anxiety thru your writing. However, I cannot offer sympathy. You continue to allow a third person to be in your marriage. You are giving emotional energy, and love to someone other than your husband. If you cannot resolve these feelings, you should tell your husband, and set him free to pursue a better life without you.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

AG, I just read more of your previous threads. My apology. I should not have judged you. Good luck to you.


----------



## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Wouldn't the consequences that you will face if you do make a "mistake" help make up your mind? If you see him out somewhere.. walk by and don't say anything at all. If he contacts you tell your H that he did. 
I don't know your whole story and it was tough to try to gather all the details from other posts.


----------



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you all! The thing is, there are days when I feel perfectly fine. When I am seeing through those rose glasses and telling myself "see, you were just naive and wanted feel loved no matter what". Selfishly. And he probably never gave you that at first place."
Then there are days when I would run to him like a little kitten.

I know it is just me who is guilty and responsible for what I did. I am ashamed of myself for being cheater. But it is little too late to change it. If I only knew back then, what I know now, I would never do any of. I would work on my marriage or got divorce first. Because this did not help with anything. ;(


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As I sad before in your other thread, you need to come clean to your husband.

The OM is still ruining any hope for your marriage. First the secret you carry, and now the potential for you hooking up and cheating with this pond scum.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As for changing, no you can't change the past. Only the future can be chosen.

I worried that you are going to repeat your cheating if the OM gives you any chance at all.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him.
> Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction.
> I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…
> 
> ...





SomedayDig said:


> Ummm...wait. You had an affair and now you're kind of pining for the OM even though you're still married?
> 
> Does you husband know of the affair? Shoot...I guess I've gotta read your story. BRB




This is why starting new threads do not work. Now background provided and bad guidance will most likely be the result.

SomedayDig a good thing you were awake and not asleep at the switch.

Back to the scene of the crime. You have not repented, you are not remorseful.

Your lack of action is the reason why affairs restart.

You need to tell your BH. If your OM has a W or GF they must be exposed as well.

You also need for you and your BH to far away from the OM because you are an OM addict. As a drunk you has to stay out of the bars, you need to move away from the OM so you will never run into him.

Why is your self esteem that low that you will have an affair with a man without morals? A man that is a sneak, stealing from your BH when your BH is not looking.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Time to man up.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Unbelievble.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him.
> Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction.
> I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…
> 
> ...


You'll break your husband's heart. In the same way my wife broke my heart under similar circumstances.

We did reconcile but it was not easy and to be honest, it has never been quite the same, since then.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If you can't maintain your self control and sense of morality (thank you Costa), then consider ending your marriage, it might be best for everyone concerned ... especially your husband.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty, you must understand, that it is possible, this man, who you think you care for so much, might only be so important in your mind because he represents an escape for you from your marriage. It's important to consider this.

Think about this and try to answer it honestly. If you had 100 million dollars, and you could live anywhere in the world, the US or your home country, anywhere, no worries of visa, money, job, marriage, nothing, no worries at all, would you still desire this other man?

You need to be very, very honest with yourself, try to think past your present life as it is now, you have to imagine you are free to do anything you want.

Would you commit the rest of your life to this other man?

T


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I would highly recommend that you board the karma bus and find out for yourself how you can stop thinking about him once and for all. Your husband surely could use having a real, faithful wife for Christmas for a change. Maybe Santa will be good to him and send her this year.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…


What the hell ?

You mentioned that your own sister's family was devastated by her H's infidelity and here you are doing the same thing.

maybe you just like the drama


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

You repeatedly start new threads but the underlying questions you pose are still the same. 

You are acting like a dry drunk. 

You really haven't changed. You are still mentally a cheater.


----------



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> AwfullyGuilty, you must understand, that it is possible, this man, who you think you care for so much, might only be so important in your mind because he represents an escape for you from your marriage. It's important to consider this.
> 
> Think about this and try to answer it honestly. If you had 100 million dollars, and you could live anywhere in the world, the US or your home country, anywhere, no worries of visa, money, job, marriage, nothing, no worries at all, would you still desire this other man?
> 
> ...


----------



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> You repeatedly start new threads but the underlying questions you pose are still the same.
> 
> You are acting like a dry drunk.
> 
> You really haven't changed. You are still mentally a cheater.


I think I changed a lot since all of it happened. I did not feel remorse or regret before. I was just selfish and wanted to be out of my marriage so bad. Little did I know this was not way to get there.

When I think about it now, when I look at my husband, hear about cheating, think about future, all I do is cry. It is killing me inside. It is awful feeling but I deserve it all!
I do go to MC to work on myself, then later on, to work with my H on those problems which we had long before I met OM.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Also, if I have everything you wrote and knew what I know about him now, I would NOT commit the rest of my life to OM.
> But being stuck in my situation made me look at everything differently.


AwfullyGuilty, if this is the case then you need to understand that the feeling you have for the other man is created from chemicals in your brain that makes you have unrealistic ideas about him.

You said; _" I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him. Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. *It feels like sort of addiction.* "_

It is an addiction, read this, by Jennifer Nelson... 

"Scientists have since learned that a chemical mixture of neurotransmitters — phenethylamine, dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin — are at work when we fall for someone. This powerful love potion is secreted when we feel that initial attraction and serves as an amphetamine, elevating our mood, keeping senses on high alert, and helping us bond with another person. Falling in "love" affects your brain about the same way as smoking crack, it has essentially the same effect on what’s called the reward center of the brain.”​

You really need to understand that this thing you feel for this man is not real. I know you are anxious that he will be near during the holidays (which is why I know you suffer from what I mentioned above), but you need to stay completely away from him. Don't worry about him, he is not here to rescue you, you are not in love with him and he is not in love with you. If you truly loved him then you would choose to be with him even if you had all the money and freedom you needed, but you said you would not be with him... this should tell you the truth.

T


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's still just about you, still selfish, nothing new to see.


----------

