# husband of 22 yrs affair with co-worker



## mammamo (Jan 10, 2011)

Gosh, where do I start? 

Looking back, I suspected an affair 10 yrs ago with my 5YO Sunday School teacher, but couldn't prove anything. Since children, he has steadily withdrawn. He, a youngest child, never learning to take care of anyone but himself. Never having to share anything, including attention. Me, one of 8, right in the middle. Life with him has always been about him. What he wants, where HE wants to go, how HE doesn't get enough attention. I have worked since my kids were 6 weeks old, and the sole diaper changer, meal maker, laundry doer, bill payer, grocery shopper, homework helper, painter, dishwasher installer.... he goes to the gym every saturday, mows the lawn, washes his car... sometimes mine. 

Life in this house has been a battle. He's angry all the time, no one can ever quite reach the target, because he keeps it juuuust out of reach. Yes, he is OCD and a control freak. 
If there is nothing obviously available to become angry over, he seeks out conflict because it makes him feel authoritative. I have tried to suggest counseling, I've painted and repainted walls in this house hoping the new color would be better for his moods, I spent $5k on a garage "mancave" with my own sweat and he got pissed off because I didn't consult him first. SInce marriage, he's bought 4 brand new high end model trucks. I have had one, average equipped.

Fast forward to 12/20/2010: my 19yo daughter called him at work to share something special she created for him.  He brushed her off and "thought" he'd hung up the phone. What she heard was him on his office line, having a very intimate and graphic conversation. She called me at home once the conversation ended, and asked if I was on the line with her dad. Of course I said no, that I hadn't talk to him since that morning. Needless to say, she starting crying, told me everything she'd heard. Since this was 4 days before Christmas, and had relatives coming in from out of town, we had no choice but to keep it to ourselves until after Christmas. 
Well, we made it through, although I think I lost 8 lbs because I couldn't eat without getting sick. The day after Christmas, I told him I was taking our 16yo to the Urgent Care, because she was very sick, 103 fever that would not subside. He tells me he's going to the gym, then to the mall, and after that going to watch football with a guy from the gym. In my head, I knew. I knew where he was going, but I still had no proof. Got to the Urgent Care, they sent me to the ER because the suspected she had Pneumonia and is asthmatic. Well, it was pneumonia, in both lungs, so they put her on the nebulizer for 15 minutes. She texted her dad to let him know, but got no response. Assuming he was in the gym, I decided to wait and call him later. Called him at 9:30 to let him know it was pneumonia, and he responded that he was at the mall and was going to wait there for "Paul" to go watch football. I went and got her prescriptions filled, got her home and in bed, and searched his briefcase. Found a recept for a dozen pink roses to a woman, name address, phone number and all, with a not that said " MC, XOX I.M.Y. Love (his name)". I was devastated, floored, felt like someone sucked every ounce of breath out of me. My initial thought was what kind of inhumane person stands up his sick daughter to go be with his GF??? Well, he finally came home about 4:45 that afternoon, and I confronted him. First tried to deny it, but I told him the most pathetic thing is his daughter got to overhear his conversation!! 
So he tells me it was only emotional for the past 5 months. Never had sex with her because he knew I would never forgive that. But does admit to other sexual acts. Really? I find it hard if not impossible to believe they did not have sexual intercourse, if he sent her flowers for Xmas eve delivery, and then ignored his sick daughter for a whole day to be with her. He says he wants to be here, and will not leave unless I kick him out. I couldn't leave because I'm not leaving my sick child there with him, and I can't drag her to a hotel either. SO I let him stay, but now I think I've lost about 15 lbs, can't stop shaking, and have no concentration at all. He is doing all the right things, but they don't seem genuine. I can almost feel the battle in his mind. Like me and the kids are the right thing to do, and I know his is sorry for hurting me, but I don't think this is where his heart is. Every time we are outside, he tried to kiss me and hug me, as if to tell the neighbors that every thing is fine. Took be to his parents house last night, because his dad wanted to talk to him in person, and his mom wanted to talk to me. Well, 2.5 hours of watching football, no talking, I feel like he was again trying to show his parents that they don't have to worry... everythings normal.

It's not. I don't feel normal. I love him, but dread the minute he walks in the door, and when he tries to touch me. We have counseling scheduled for this Thursday, but I don't think I want him here?? How can I get him to admit the whole truth?? I cannot go forward trying to rebuild a relationship based on a 1/2 truth.


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## BrokenQueen (Jan 10, 2011)

I am so sorry for your situation. Emotional affairs are the hardest to deal with in my opinion as I am in that boat myself. I hope that counseling helps you deal with this situation.


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## mammamo (Jan 10, 2011)

Forgot to mention, I've been out of work 2 years, but doing contract work on and off. Have long suspected he was only there because he didn't want to leave when I was out of work. Said in October that he had most of the money in his 401(k) before we met. This comment came out of the blue when I was helping him make his annual 401(k) investment selections. So it seems as though he's been contemplating this even from a financial perspective. As I'm writing this, I jsut received a job offer! and accepted it. Far less than I used to be paid for the same job, but I'm taking it. Wondering how his tone is going to shift now that he knows I have my own income again....


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## mammamo (Jan 10, 2011)

Brokenqueen, I feel immensely for you. I've looked at myself a million different ways, beat myself up, wondering what made me so unloveable, how I made this happen, and I did speak to a therapist who told me to write all of my thoughts down in a journal and then read through them. I did, and what I discovered was that it was never, in 22 yrs about me. It was and still is about him. I just never saw it, because I was so busy caring, loving, giving, doing, I was being walked all over. We are going to counseling, but he needs counseling. He is off the charts narcissist, and I don't think that is going to change. So I guess it's a matter of whether or not I want to live with his personality disorder the rest of my life.. I don't know yet.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

mammamo said:


> Said in October that he had most of the money in his 401(k) before we met. This comment came out of the blue when I was helping him make his annual 401(k) investment selections. So it seems as though he's been contemplating this even from a financial perspective.


BTW, you know this is just whiffing in the wind, right? Anything he contributes into the 401K plan during the course of the marriage is community property. So if push comes to shove make sure you have access to the financial records of all retirement accounts. If the 401k plan existed prior to the marriage and the only thing done in it is reinvestment of the earnings, then he might have a case for saying that. Otherwise? Not a chance!


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## mammamo (Jan 10, 2011)

yes, we've been married 23 years this May, and yes he did have the 401(k) for 2 yrs prior to our marriage. I do know ours is a community property state, but I think what I'm trying to digest is that he has already mentally separated, us, assets. I don't want be be "the right thing", and I asked him if he loves me like a wife, lover, not like a sister or friend. And his response was "there are alot of things to love about you". Just not the lover part....


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I feel so sorry for you - I think I can understand how you feel. I'm writing this as someone who has been in a situation that in a way is similar to what your husband has done - at least as far as an affair goes. 

After having gone through the garbage I've put myself and others through for the past 5 years, I can absolutly say that I would NEVER do it again for many many reasons. I've been really selfish and thinking so wrong about life and relationships in so may ways. 

I'm not sure if I could ever say anything to your husband that could make him see the light. There is no doubt however that he has handled your situation in an awful manner by not having the courage to either fix your relationship or end it before starting another. I was a coward about my situation and I can positively assert that he is one too - because of the cheap, disrestectful and disgusting thing he is doing now to you, no matter what he may say you've done that justifies his behavior in his mind. 

This probably isn't much help for you, but I hope you can get some counseling that can get you through, or find the courage within yourself to do what you probably already know is the right thing to do.


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