# Wife and Guy Friend, Should I Be Worried?



## westdubs (Mar 5, 2012)

My wife of two years has a guy friend that she considers to be one of her best friends. They have known each other for seven years (They met in College, after we started dating but before we got married). There is hardly anything they do not know about each other, as they talk three/four times a week via Instant Messenger. I have to admit that I am slightly jealous of their friendship as my wife is always slightly happier when he is around and sad when he leaves, they share a lot of the same interests and hobbies (Which I don't), and they have the ability to have entire nonverbal conversations.

What worries me is that my wife has said that she is planning on visiting him and spending the night at his house, as he lives in another state. The reason for the visit is that he is hosting a charity dinner, for the umpteenth time, and apparently the dinner is a big deal. I would ask to go with but I have a business trip that day and I can't cancel it. I have expressed my concern to my wife but she gets insulted at the thought that I would think she would cheat, and says her guy friend is always a perfect gentleman and nothing will happen. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried? And if I should be worried any suggestions?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you should be worried. 

Try this. Tell your wife that your business trip is cancelled and that you will go with her to support her friend. Watch her reaction.

Do you have the password to her IM and do you see all that she says to him? Have you ever considered using a keystrock monitor to see what might really be going on?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't think you are reading too much into it. Being good friends with a member of the opposite sex can (when one is married) can often be the beginnings of the foundation of an affair. I am not against having friends of the opposite sex when married. It is just important to have appropriate and firm boundaries when interacting with them (i.e. spending the night at the other person's house by themselves is a BAD IDEA and should be violating of appropriate boundaries).


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Is the friend married or in a relationship? Is she friendly with the wife/gf? Will she be there when your wife stays?

Otherwise, I wouldn't be happy her staying with him like that. Seems like she and he don't have the kind of boundaries that are necessary to enhance your marriage. 

Friendship between heterosexuals of the opposite sex is perfectly possible, but as others have said, there need to be boundaries that are respected. You are her priority in life, not her friend. It doesn't sound like she's understood this.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Let her now you are uncomfortable with this and you prefer she did'nt go on this trip,if she loves you she will agree,if she becomes combative there is a very good chance she has feelings for him.It already sounds like a E A to me.Watch it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Could be perfectly innocent now, but can be dangerous territory to be sure. This would never fly with me...in fact, it hasn't. My husband and me don't have opsex friends anymore, it's too dangerous IMO.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

you're right to be worried.

there have been a lot of "things" just happen when staying over night at friends houses.


You really should cancel the business trip - it very well might mean your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I see no reason why she should be staying at this guy's house. Especially when you have told her you don't like the idea. That, in and of itself, is not respecting you or your feelings/marriage.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

You have a couple of issues. You knew how close they were before they got married. It doesn't appear that you let her know that you have issues with her being this close to a male friend previously. Now when you try to stop her from spending the night (Which is a ridiculous request by your wife) you look like the jealous controlling husband instead of a man trying to establish boundaries in his relationship. Basically you let this thing slide down that slippery slope and now they're close to the bottom. 


1. Cancel your business trip and go with her. Your marriage is worth more that whatever business you have. Reschedule the meeting. 
2. Begin talking to your wife about the boundaries you want to establish within your relationship. 
3. Get some material on communication in a relationship. You need to beable to communicate your feelings early on and not just let stuff slide.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

I find it strange she met and became best friends with this guy after you two were already dating. Shouldn't she have been becoming best friends with you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You should be terrified.

She shouldn`t be allowed on this trip and she most definitely shouldn`t be staying the night at his place.

It`s beyond inappropriate.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No way. She gets a hotel or she doesn't go. If you can, go with her. Tell her if she defies your request, her bags will be packed and waiting out in front of the house and the doorlocks will be changed when she gets back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

l LOVE YOU BANDIT.45!

But she doesn't go period...hotel? Almost a guaranteed invitation to fool around...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well then does she sleep in the car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No. This whole thing is inappropriate. She doesn't go unless her husband goes.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Of course after 7 years, he's going to face a lot of "you never had a problem with our friendship BEFORE", blah blah blah.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

westdubs said:


> I have expressed my concern to my wife but she gets insulted at the thought that I would think she would cheat


 Tell her that you are insulted that she has so little concern for your legitimate feelings. What she is proposing to do is very inappropriate. Also tell her that you are uncomfortable with her relationship with the OM and that this is the last straw. Tell her that although she is assuring you that the relationship is not physical, it is beginning to look like an emotional affair (EA).


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

tell her your concerns,and that you don't want her to go. if she goes, she finds bags on the porch when she gets back.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

buy her some condoms to take with her to sleep over her best friends house.

are you kidding me how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

total lack of respect for her husband.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing you don't mention is whether the friend is single or married. It may be somewhat more acceptable if his wife will be there in the house with them the whole time.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

westdubs said:


> My wife of two years has a guy friend that she considers to be one of her best friends. They have known each other for seven years (They met in College, after we started dating but before we got married). There is hardly anything they do not know about each other, as they talk three/four times a week via Instant Messenger. I have to admit that I am slightly jealous of their friendship as my wife is always slightly happier when he is around and sad when he leaves, they share a lot of the same interests and hobbies (Which I don't), and they have the ability to have entire nonverbal conversations.
> 
> What worries me is that my wife has said that she is planning on visiting him and spending the night at his house, as he lives in another state. The reason for the visit is that he is hosting a charity dinner, for the umpteenth time, and apparently the dinner is a big deal. I would ask to go with but I have a business trip that day and I can't cancel it. I have expressed my concern to my wife but she gets insulted at the thought that I would think she would cheat, and says her guy friend is always a perfect gentleman and nothing will happen. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried? And if I should be worried any suggestions?



I'm not one to discredit male & female relationships because I have several guy friends and its strictly platonic. So I know it could work without becoming sexual. But in your case im worried for you because a friendship should never come before a marriage. That you told her your worried and she is still going is a red flag to me. And that she is staying the night at his house tells me that she doesn't have strong boundaries, another red flag. If I were you I wouldn't try to control her though that just may push her away. Try to get her into a hotel room if she persists with going. And see if she has a female friend who would go with her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If something's going to happen, it's going to happen just as easily in a hotel room as at the guy's place. He drops her off at the hotel after the function, goes up for a nightcap, and oh look... A king sized bed taking up 75% of the room...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well then she shouldn't go unless he goes period.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Bingo.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

C'mon people cut me some slack, I'm just throwing out ideas here!

The OP and his wife need some counseling and mediation to figure out their boundaries. I suspect she will not want to accept these boundaries regarding her friend without putting up a fight.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Oh I completely agree with you. Hence the 'Bingo'. My husband got invited out to dinner with a female friend last summer, and I wouldn't allow it. (it's a boundary) It was just too much like a date. So he asked me to go along, I said sure, but then the friend dropped the whole dinner idea. Guess she didn't like the idea of my being along on her date with my husband...PS. He never heard from her again after that. Friend? I think not...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP, wherever you are, wolves are often disguised as lambs, do NOT let your wife go on this trip without you!!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The OP appears to not like what he heard from us on this board. I think that he wanted us to assure him that his wife's relationship with the OM was OK and normal. Since that is not what we said, he may not be back since then he would have to do something about it. He is avoiding conflict, because he is worried that she may not pick him. This may become just another drive by post.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just what I was thinking, TRy...I hate investing time and effort into drive by posts...


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Could be perfectly innocent now, but can be dangerous territory to be sure. This would never fly with me...in fact, it hasn't. My husband and me don't have opsex friends anymore, it's too dangerous IMO.


AGREED! :smthumbup:
Friendships have their place but it always seems rather juvenile to me giving them the same level of importance as your marriage.
I mean to the point where it causes stress in the relationship.

To the OP, you've got a major problem caused by a cavalier "we are the world" attitude with this guy "friend" who lights your wife up whenever he's around.
Prepare for a major conflict if you put your foot down and try to establish boundaries OR losing her (working through infidelity) if this "buddy" graduates to "F buddy".


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

She is not to be sleeping with him that day atleast, unless the hubby permits ...

Pal, I think , the so called bf is seeming to be a BF..and I tend to think, that they already might have had their stints...

Just watch out, straightene her "best friendship "curvature into a Single Line...thats you...


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

my opinion...I have guy friends. Several to be honest because I knew them before my hubby (second marriage when i was 35) however..guy friends i have dated are no longer in the picture. The other guy friends are now his too.
BUT there is a line. Sleepovers. NO. NO. NO.

My husband would lose his ****!! no matter how much he trusts me or one of our friends there is NO sense in being stupid. 

Lynn


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask her to stay at a different place. A reasonable compromise


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

westdubs said:


> My wife of two years has a guy friend that she considers to be one of her best friends. They have known each other for seven years (They met in College, after we started dating but before we got married). There is hardly anything they do not know about each other, as they talk three/four times a week via Instant Messenger. I have to admit that I am slightly jealous of their friendship as my wife is always slightly happier when he is around and sad when he leaves, they share a lot of the same interests and hobbies (Which I don't), and they have the ability to have entire nonverbal conversations.
> 
> What worries me is that my wife has said that she is planning on visiting him and spending the night at his house, as he lives in another state. The reason for the visit is that he is hosting a charity dinner, for the umpteenth time, and apparently the dinner is a big deal. I would ask to go with but I have a business trip that day and I can't cancel it. I have expressed my concern to my wife but she gets insulted at the thought that I would think she would cheat, and says her guy friend is always a perfect gentleman and nothing will happen. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried? And if I should be worried any suggestions?


You should be very worried. In fact you might as well get prepared for the long haul of going through hell over this.

First off, having very close opposite sex friends when you are in a marriage is very risky. She has an existing bond with this guy. She has chemical feeling for him. Oxytocin and Dopamine. She may be in an EA with him now.

I put my marriage first so if my wife were to go, I would go with her. Change your business plans. Yes you can. 

You wife going on this trip at all is highly risky even is she stays in a hotel. BUT the saying she is going to stay over his house over night is absurd. Just my opinion. This at least sets a precedent that will spiral down for you. They will bond further.

Have they ever been intimate. The odds are very good they have. If so I can just about garantee there will be intimacy between them.

The biggest issue is that she would even consider this.

Instigation -- They have an existing relationship. Perhaps ex lovers.
Isolation -- You are being isolated from her and she will be isolated in the OMs home over night with him.
Escalation -- No matter how innocent this could be, it will escalate their relationship. 

She is essentially dating this guy and going to spend the night with him. Sure on the couch. :slap:

This does not even get into the use of alcohol.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kobo said:


> You have a couple of issues. You knew how close they were before they got married. It doesn't appear that you let her know that you have issues with her being this close to a male friend previously. Now when you try to stop her from spending the night (Which is a ridiculous request by your wife) you look like the jealous controlling husband instead of a man trying to establish boundaries in his relationship. Basically you let this thing slide down that slippery slope and now they're close to the bottom.
> 
> 
> 1. Cancel your business trip and go with her. Your marriage is worth more that whatever business you have. Reschedule the meeting.
> ...


Awesomeness.

You guys need to do His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary setting.

Staying at hotel is only a fig leaf on this. Yes it is better. BUT I think the fact that she did not go this way to begin with is a Red Flag. So the hotel is now out. She will actually be offended by this compromise and will not liekly honor it anyway. There will be some excuse. Or he will just spend the night at the hotel with her. Hotel sex is awesome.

Also the relationship itself is moving forward and that is the real issue. I think him going on the trip is the way to go for now but she needs to nix this OM from her marriage.

if he cannot go on the trip with her, she should not go at all. In this case he might as well let her know this relationship is not acceptable to him. If she goes anyway, he needs to let her go. I would change the locks.

I have great trust in my wife. I would not have any trust in this situation or with this guy.


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## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Your finances should be enought that she can get a hotel. If she can't, a trip to another state should be out of the question to the begin with. 

I'm ok with friends of the opposite sex. The big red flags in here, to me, are 1) wanting to stay with him (probably saying it'll "save money, why not" or something like that), and 2) getting defensive when you bring up your not comfortable about it. People going straight to the defensive position is usually a sign of guilt.

Why do I feel this? My first wife had a good guy friend. And he was a friend of mine too. Then they started spending LOTS of time together, carpooling to work (they both worked with me, just had to be there slightly different hours). One day I gt home and text her and ask her where she is, and she's at the bowling alley with him. I say I'll be right there and bowl a bit. After bowling, I say it's about time to go home. She responds she'll see me tomorrow cause she brought chips and snacks to have a latenight movie marathon over at his place. I tell her, "No. You're my wife, and you shouldn't be going over single guys houses for all nighter ANYTHINGS and I wouldn't do it either." She snaps and gets defensive. How can I not trust her, they're just friends, yada yada.

Fast forward about three weeks, and I find the text messages and call records of them texting each other about 130 times a day. "Can't wait to be alone with you again...we're gonna have to move SOME boxes cause I told my husband we would be doing work so it'll look like we did something" After that, read her diary which confirmed it, and she moved in with him and got pregnant when I confronted her infedility and asked for a divorce.

Yes, be worried.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Yeah....you should. Try to cancel your business trip or just tell her that you have cancelled your trip and you are also going with her. Then notice that is she want you to come with her? In that way you can find that she can cheat you or not....


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> No. This whole thing is inappropriate. She doesn't go unless her husband goes.


I'm with you CG. I wouldn't be ok with that at all. I'd suggest to you that you find a way to put the shoe on the other foot. Maybe you can suggest that on your businesses trip, you'll be going out to dinner with a woman and will be a perfect gentleman to her. That may not be the best example, but I think she would not be ok with it if it the roles are reversed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Straight to the point (May 22, 2017)

she is going to cheat on you. I been there done that. I have been your situation. I have been the other guy as well. I telling you when I was the other guy I **** the **** out the woman. It was exciting and it was like getting high minus the drugs. this will end with a breakup. Either you give her a final request to end or get ready to stumble into their affair. She has slept with this guy before and did not tell you. Don't be slow on this decision. If you do not have kids I would leave her period. Trust me females make the choice to engage danger and this is nothing you can do about it. I would fine some new booty and quick.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The dead walk among us!!!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> The dead walk among us!!!


You think there is a chance the OP waited for the recent post for advice to act quickly?


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