# At my wits end



## maggiemae (Mar 30, 2011)

Hello everyone,

I am 45 years old today...yoo-hoo... Anyways, I am married to a man 15 years my senior, we have been married 21 years, he is my second husband. 
When we first got married things were pretty good, I had 3 children and he had 2, we had some bumps in the road as usual with children/step children but we made it through. 
The problem is this our sex life was pretty good for about 5 years, soon after though it started to just kind of drop off, he claimed he was tired all the time. Well this continued for years until I felt so undesirable to him i had an affair. I admitted to the affair and he forgave me, I told him i needed a man to show affection and to make love to me more than once a month. He swore he would change, he did for about 6 month, now here I am 10 years later and we have sex about once every 4 month, he is having ED issues and I understand this but as I told him there are other ways to satisfy me also. He always says “yes honey, I know, it’s my problem, not yours, i will try", well I do not see him trying at all. If I ask him to try to make love or to satisfy me, he say maybe tomorrow, or if he tries, it just to satisfy himself and I am left with nothing in the end. We have had sex 2 times in the last 6 months with no foreplay and it just lasting long enough for him to get off. 
I am so angry, hurt and, feel like I am undesirable; I cannot figure out why he cannot take the time to satisfy me also. So what if he cannot maintain, he could satisfy me. Am i wrong? Am I being selfish? 
I never say anything about his erectile issues; I always say its ok honey. 
It’s not just the sex, we do nothing together, he works, comes home and watches TV till bedtime. I feel so alone and undesirable, then I feel guilty for being angry... I am so near another affair, I have begged my husband to understand my needs also. 
For example tonight after asking him for sex for 4 nights and a no go, I took a shower and went to him, all I got was again I am too tired, sorry honey maybe Saturday... I just do not know what to do anymore…. This has been going on for years but is getting worse and worse. Advice and opinions are appreciated.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are 45 and he is 61. The slow dropping of a man's testosterone levels as he ages is likely why his desire is so far off from yours. 

Sexually speaking, women are in the prime of their sexual lives in their late 30's -early 40's. One of my hormone books says that older women are BEST "sexually matched" with younger men. So you are feeling this GREAT DIVIDE in Libidos. He probably really IS tired. But he also sounds unconcerned about your needs, putting you off, leaving you hanging when you have expressed he can please you in other ways. 

What can you do: Make sure he eats a healthy diet, get up cook him breakfast in the am if you are not doing that already, make sure he gets at least 8 hours of rest each night, do everything you can around the house when he is working to alleviate any extra stress on him. If he has not tried Viagra or any erection drugs, get some from his Doc, these may help him & give him some confidence back. They do nothing for libido, but psychologically speaking, seeing the effects can make a man feel young & vigorous again. Also , consider getting his Testosterone levels checked, he may be a candidate for treatment. Testosterone is our "lust" hormone. 

You are not being selfish, it is just a matter of he is "not" feeling it like you are these days. Do you know what arouses him? If you have not done oral in the past, start, as men age, they need alot more stimulation. Try watching a little porn together. 

I would say to seduce him, dress up in lingerie, make the moves on him. If putting your best seductive self out there does nothing, and you are still suffering, you might have to decide what is a "deal breaker" & what you can live with.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

:iagree: He should get checked out and have his testosterone levels checked. He should be willing to do what it takes to get his sex drive going.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

wow, she had an affair it got glossed over. unreal


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## maggiemae (Mar 30, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> wow, she had an affair it got glossed over. unreal


Okeydokie

Yes I did have an affair over 10 years ago , it was not glossed over, this was after many years of threatening .. i am making no excuses for my affair and I told my husband, it was his decision to forgive me, i was going to leave him, he asked me to stay. I did not hide what I had done and I know it was wrong, it was that or leave him and I cannot do that because I think it would destroy him..


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## maggiemae (Mar 30, 2011)

He did have his levels checked and they are ok. We have tried Viagra and it did nothing, the ED is a problem but I think more of it is just that fact that he does not really want to have sex that often.


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## jay3171 (Nov 19, 2010)

So you either live with things the way they are or you change your life. The latter isn't exactly easy because of the multiple obligations you likely have. 

To your point, you put him on the ED drugs and they work about as well as the rider who led his horse to the pond. Just because it's there, doesn't mean he's going to drink.

These are never easy situations. And the answers aren't easy either. 

But if I were you, I'd give serious thought to learning what you can live with and what you cannot live with. Once you establish that, you might know what to do with your life. 

I wish you all the best.


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## getiton (Mar 30, 2011)

I would really encourage you both to see a marriage counselor. If he is not willing to go, I would encourage you to go to a therapist yourself, and at least, work through your feelings of frustration, resentment, hurt, and perhaps in some ways, feelings of abandonment. 

I've had male and female friends who have let their resentment over not getting their sexual needs met spill over into other parts of their interactions so that everything the person does grates on their nerves. These feelings can erode a marriage over time. When a person desires to get his/her sexual needs and assurance (that your needs are normal) from someone else, he/she eventually will.

If he does agree to go to a marriage counselor with you, and has separate sessions, he may admit that he has resentment/frustrations over something else in your relationship that has built over the years, and has lessened his desire for you. Perhaps this is the only area in his relationship with you that he feels like he has power - by denying you, he's taking power back. 

This is hurtful, but the big question you should ask yourself is, have you kept yourself up physically and tried to be attractive for him, or have you let your body go? Whether or not he loves you, men get turned on visually. If you aren't taking care of yourself like you did during the first 5 years of your marriage, he wouldn't have the visual cues that he needs to get turned on. Subconsciously, he may be saying "she doesn't take care of her body, why should I?" It may seem shallow to us women, but studies have shown that men need visual cues.

Either way, lack of sexual desire is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. Therapy may be the best thing for your relationship and encourage you to seek out therapy before deciding to have promiscuous sex. It may fulfill you momentarily, make you feel wanted and desired, and even make you feel like you're getting back at your husband. But at the end of those few hours, you'll still have to go home to face the problem.


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