# New Recently Separated



## Alexj5

Hi! Been married for 12 yrs and my wife recently asked me to move out for the 3rd time. It seems she cant make up her mind wether she wants to stay or go thru with the divorce. Thing is im tired of being told she wants to work it out then going back to “this isnt working out, i think we need to separate”. As far as i know there isnt anyone else. Its a long story but if people seem interested in posting advice and tips i can go into detail. Basically right kow she wants to maintain a friendly relationship. But i dont want to fall into the “friendzone”. She so used to stepping all over me and me doing everything for her. I want her back because i know deep inside shes just very hurt and scared that we wont be able to work as a marriage anymore. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt trust me and that we are toxic for eachother yet she wants me in her life and shes asked me before to move back in. So i feel shes just not sure. Supposably this time its for real and shes made up her mind but again, she wants to be very friendly with me. Ive given her her space and every ither day she texts me funny memes to hear from me basically or random videos of our daughter. I feel it gives her a feeling that im there. Available. So ahould i keep being nice to a degree or just apply the no contact to force her to decide. Personnaly iw ant to save the marriage and not just be friends. Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks! Again ALOT more details and history but thats basically where im at NOW. I can explain more as we talk about my situation. Thank you for your time!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Alexj5 said:


> Hi! Been married for 12 yrs and my wife recently asked me to move out for the 3rd time. It seems she cant make up her mind wether she wants to stay or go thru with the divorce. Thing is im tired of being told she wants to work it out then going back to “this isnt working out, i think we need to separate”. As far as i know there isnt anyone else. Its a long story but if people seem interested in posting advice and tips i can go into detail. Basically right kow she wants to maintain a friendly relationship. But i dont want to fall into the “friendzone”. She so used to stepping all over me and me doing everything for her. I want her back because i know deep inside shes just very hurt and scared that we wont be able to work as a marriage anymore. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt trust me and that we are toxic for eachother yet she wants me in her life and shes asked me before to move back in. So i feel shes just not sure. Supposably this time its for real and shes made up her mind but again, she wants to be very friendly with me. Ive given her her space and every ither day she texts me funny memes to hear from me basically or random videos of our daughter. I feel it gives her a feeling that im there. Available. So ahould i keep being nice to a degree or just apply the no contact to force her to decide. Personnaly iw ant to save the marriage and not just be friends. Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks! Again ALOT more details and history but thats basically where im at NOW. I can explain more as we talk about my situation. Thank you for your time!


Inform her that she is free to move, You have done so twice. Enough is enough. Her turn.

It is that simple. 

She has told you she does not love you anymore. Take her word for it. 

She wants to keep you around as a 'friend'. Tell her time will tell if we can remain 'friends' after we divorce because you have had enough. Tell her if she does not file you will and in the meantime if she wants space there is the door and no one is stopping her.

However, if she wants to actually work on the marriage tell her lets go to marriage counseling.

It is that simple. Life is too short to wait around for spouses 'who don't love you' to make up their mind.


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## 3Xnocharm

Alexj5 said:


> Hi! Been married for 12 yrs and my wife recently asked me to move out for the 3rd time. It seems she cant make up her mind wether she wants to stay or go thru with the divorce. Thing is im tired of being told she wants to work it out then going back to “this isnt working out, i think we need to separate”. As far as i know there isnt anyone else. Its a long story but if people seem interested in posting advice and tips i can go into detail. Basically right kow she wants to maintain a friendly relationship. But i dont want to fall into the “friendzone”. She so used to stepping all over me and me doing everything for her. I want her back because i know deep inside shes just very hurt and scared that we wont be able to work as a marriage anymore. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt trust me and that we are toxic for eachother yet she wants me in her life and shes asked me before to move back in. So i feel shes just not sure. Supposably this time its for real and shes made up her mind but again, she wants to be very friendly with me. Ive given her her space and every ither day she texts me funny memes to hear from me basically or random videos of our daughter. I feel it gives her a feeling that im there. Available. So ahould i keep being nice to a degree or just apply the no contact to force her to decide. Personnaly iw ant to save the marriage and not just be friends. Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks! Again ALOT more details and history but thats basically where im at NOW. I can explain more as we talk about my situation. Thank you for your time!


Why in hell do YOU keep leaving if she is the one who wants to separate? DO NOT LEAVE any more. If this is what she wants, point her toward the closest door that she is welcome to walk out of. You are allowing her to walk all over you. She doesnt get to have you as her "friend" in this way, this is ridiculous. STOP being so nice! You cant save the marriage by yourself, so its time to get tough with her. Tell her that if she cant make up her mind, then you will make it up for her by filing for divorce. She forfeits your "friendship," she doesnt get to keep using you if she doesnt actually want to be with you. Currently as it is, all you are proving to her is that she can crap all over you and you will stay anyway and keep letting her do it. 

WHY do you want to stay with someone who has no respect for you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sorry you're going through this.

Just real quick; with the info you've shared things certainly look like she's not going to be one you can work things out with.

She's done in her mind, but scared to live on her own. 

That will change. She'll get there.

You might as well start separating your finances and talk to a lawyer. Things will only typically get more toxic.


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## lifeistooshort

What are the nature of your marital issues?

You mentioned that she doesn't trust you. 

Why?


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## Alexj5

Why in hell do YOU keep leaving if she is the one who wants to separate? DO NOT LEAVE any more. If this is what she wants, point her toward the closest door that she is welcome to walk out of. You are allowing her to walk all over you. She doesnt get to have you as her "friend" in this way, this is ridiculous. STOP being so nice! You cant save the marriage by yourself, so its time to get tough with her. Tell her that if she cant make up her mind, then you will make it up for her by filing for divorce. She forfeits your "friendship," she doesnt get to keep using you if she doesnt actually want to be with you. Currently as it is, all you are proving to her is that she can crap all over you and you will stay anyway and keep letting her do it. 

WHY do you want to stay with someone who has no respect for you?[/QUOTE]


I leave because she is currently the apartment manager to where we live and she gets the apartment for free as part of her salary. So she tells me its HER place. And yes, thats been the problem. Ive been too nice.


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## Alexj5

HOW DO I REPLY TO EACH OF YOU INDIVIDUALY? Not privately but like how do i get your questions to highlight then give my reply like you guys do when u comment??


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## Alexj5

H


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## Alexj5

lifeistooshort said:


> What are the nature of your marital issues?
> 
> You mentioned that she doesn't trust you.
> 
> Why?



H


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## Alexj5

NVRMND just saw how


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## jlg07

Alexj5, just one thing -- if you DO leave, I would NOT DO SO without a signed separation agreement from a lawyer that specifies the child custody and defines your financial responsibilities.
BEFORE YOU LEAVE, get with a lawyer. Make sure your finances are separated, make sure your rights with your child are protected.

WHY does she want you out -- what were the triggers that cause this with her? Do you think she has valid reasons for this?


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## Alexj5

lifeistooshort said:


> What are the nature of your marital issues?
> 
> You mentioned that she doesn't trust you.
> 
> Why?


Long story short. I cheated 2 yrs ago. Had a relationship for 6 mnths and slept with this woman once. I confessed and she forgave me. (Or so i thought) Then i let her step all over me for the 2 yrs after thinking i deserved what she was doing to me with the hopes she would get over it and see how repented i was. She started flirting with guys and eventually slept with one and got back at me. Of course i forgave her thinking it evened things out. Boy i was wrong. She never cheated again but instead distanced herself and occasionally was happy then sad and angry etc. Up and down emotionally. Its not till i started putting my foot down and stopped her from treating me like **** that she started treating our relationship with respect. But sometime later she started acting careless again which led to these couple separations. 1st time i begged her to try again and she agreed. 2nd time i realized i needed some self respect. I worked on becoming a better stronger man and not dependent on her. Ive never been the manly man type. More of the sweet smart lovy dovy guy. Realized it was time to change. So i did and she noticed and this time around asked me to go back. I did and we were ok up till a couple weeks ago. She seems angry again and we kept exploding over simple things that other couple fight about. So she asked me to leave again. BUT she asked to be friends. Keep it “friendly”. But her version of that is me doing everything for her and treating her like i would a woman that im trying to keep. Im in love with her still and my goal is to ultimately work with a counsler and fix our marriage so im tryingg hard not to push her aways by completely blockig her but dont want her to get comfortable havingg me as a “friend” either.. so not sure how i should go about it. 
Im sure shes not talking to anyone else but i also feel she wants me around as a plan b just in case... idk maybe its me clinngig on to a false hope? Maybe its the fear of being away from my daughter?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Alexj5 said:


> Why in hell do YOU keep leaving if she is the one who wants to separate? DO NOT LEAVE any more. If this is what she wants, point her toward the closest door that she is welcome to walk out of. You are allowing her to walk all over you. She doesnt get to have you as her "friend" in this way, this is ridiculous. STOP being so nice! You cant save the marriage by yourself, so its time to get tough with her. Tell her that if she cant make up her mind, then you will make it up for her by filing for divorce. She forfeits your "friendship," she doesnt get to keep using you if she doesnt actually want to be with you. Currently as it is, all you are proving to her is that she can crap all over you and you will stay anyway and keep letting her do it.
> 
> WHY do you want to stay with someone who has no respect for you?



I leave because she is currently the apartment manager to where we live and she gets the apartment for free as part of her salary. So she tells me its HER place. And yes, thats been the problem. Ive been too nice.[/QUOTE]

Newsflash for your wife: Its' your place too - legally. It is your legal home and she dioes not have the power to have you removed. 

Only the landlord can remove you 'with cause' and they are aware that you live there correct? 

She tries to kick you out see an attorney and get a restraining order as part of divorce petition, She acts up she gets removed from the marital home. It is that simple. Job or no job landlord knows you two co-habitate there. They own the place, not her. 

You better start keeping a VAR on you at all times.


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## Lostinthought61

I think it time to file for divorce and tell her once she is served that she has step up and stop it with her action or you are moving forward with it....otherwise your nothing but a yo-yo.....and that is no any to go through life.


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## sokillme

Alexj5 said:


> Hi! Been married for 12 yrs and my wife recently asked me to move out for the 3rd time. It seems she cant make up her mind wether she wants to stay or go thru with the divorce. Thing is im tired of being told she wants to work it out then going back to “this isnt working out, i think we need to separate”. As far as i know there isnt anyone else. Its a long story but if people seem interested in posting advice and tips i can go into detail. Basically right kow she wants to maintain a friendly relationship. But i dont want to fall into the “friendzone”. She so used to stepping all over me and me doing everything for her. I want her back because i know deep inside shes just very hurt and scared that we wont be able to work as a marriage anymore. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt trust me and that we are toxic for eachother yet she wants me in her life and shes asked me before to move back in. So i feel shes just not sure. Supposably this time its for real and shes made up her mind but again, she wants to be very friendly with me. Ive given her her space and every ither day she texts me funny memes to hear from me basically or random videos of our daughter. I feel it gives her a feeling that im there. Available. So ahould i keep being nice to a degree or just apply the no contact to force her to decide. Personnaly iw ant to save the marriage and not just be friends. Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks! Again ALOT more details and history but thats basically where im at NOW. I can explain more as we talk about my situation. Thank you for your time!


*Never mind I see you cheated on her, see my next post --- *

+Is this your first serious relationship? I say that because my suspicion is that you don't have any frame of reference how toxic this is. Let me tell you, you can do better. How about you friendzone her and move on.+


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## MattMatt

@Alexj5 you cheated on your wife for a full half year.

And she really can't get over this.

Have you thought about counselling and a lie detector test to prove to her the exact amount of your cheating?


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## sokillme

Alexj5 said:


> Long story short. I cheated 2 yrs ago. Had a relationship for 6 mnths and slept with this woman once. I confessed and she forgave me. (Or so i thought) Then i let her step all over me for the 2 yrs after thinking i deserved what she was doing to me with the hopes she would get over it and see how repented i was. She started flirting with guys and eventually slept with one and got back at me. Of course i forgave her thinking it evened things out. Boy i was wrong. She never cheated again but instead distanced herself and occasionally was happy then sad and angry etc. Up and down emotionally. Its not till i started putting my foot down and stopped her from treating me like **** that she started treating our relationship with respect. But sometime later she started acting careless again which led to these couple separations. 1st time i begged her to try again and she agreed. 2nd time i realized i needed some self respect. I worked on becoming a better stronger man and not dependent on her. Ive never been the manly man type. More of the sweet smart lovy dovy guy. Realized it was time to change. So i did and she noticed and this time around asked me to go back. I did and we were ok up till a couple weeks ago. She seems angry again and we kept exploding over simple things that other couple fight about. So she asked me to leave again. BUT she asked to be friends. Keep it “friendly”. But her version of that is me doing everything for her and treating her like i would a woman that im trying to keep. Im in love with her still and my goal is to ultimately work with a counsler and fix our marriage so im tryingg hard not to push her aways by completely blockig her but dont want her to get comfortable havingg me as a “friend” either.. so not sure how i should go about it.
> Im sure shes not talking to anyone else but i also feel she wants me around as a plan b just in case... idk maybe its me clinngig on to a false hope? Maybe its the fear of being away from my daughter?


Another example of leaving out the most important part of the story. 

I will now state the usual disclaimer when this happens- 

_*Start of disclaimer : 

If you want good advice it's important that you at least list any life changing events or decisions that have taken place during the course of your relationship to help shape it, such as infidelity, murders, cult following, sex changes, Trump voting, Patriot rooting, etc.. in your post so you can get the best advice possible.

End of disclaimer. *_

Moving forward unfortunately it seems you destroyed the relationship. I think she told you she doesn't love you any more, being cheated on will do that. I suggest you respect her decision and move forward. Try to do better in your next relationship.


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## Alexj5

sokillme said:


> Alexj5 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi! Been married for 12 yrs and my wife recently asked me to move out for the 3rd time. It seems she cant make up her mind wether she wants to stay or go thru with the divorce. Thing is im tired of being told she wants to work it out then going back to “this isnt working out, i think we need to separate”. As far as i know there isnt anyone else. Its a long story but if people seem interested in posting advice and tips i can go into detail. Basically right kow she wants to maintain a friendly relationship. But i dont want to fall into the “friendzone”. She so used to stepping all over me and me doing everything for her. I want her back because i know deep inside shes just very hurt and scared that we wont be able to work as a marriage anymore. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt trust me and that we are toxic for eachother yet she wants me in her life and shes asked me before to move back in. So i feel shes just not sure. Supposably this time its for real and shes made up her mind but again, she wants to be very friendly with me. Ive given her her space and every ither day she texts me funny memes to hear from me basically or random videos of our daughter. I feel it gives her a feeling that im there. Available. So ahould i keep being nice to a degree or just apply the no contact to force her to decide. Personnaly iw ant to save the marriage and not just be friends. Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks! Again ALOT more details and history but thats basically where im at NOW. I can explain more as we talk about my situation. Thank you for your time!
> 
> 
> 
> *Never mind I see you cheated on her, see my next post --- *
> 
> +Is this your first serious relationship? I say that because my suspicion is that you don't have any frame of reference how toxic this is. Let me tell you, you can do better. How about you friendzone her and move on.+
Click to expand...


Yes it is both of our first serious relationship. We were highschool sweethearts and married right after highschool. Funny you use the word Toxic cause thats how she refered to our relationship..🤔


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## She'sStillGotIt

Alexj5 said:


> Anyone going or been thru something similar? Thanks!


Actually, no.

My first rule in life is *NOT TO GO* where I'm not welcome. I would never beg _anyone_ to stay with me - and this is your third time begging her to come back to you. Ugh.

You continually cling with desperation to this woman, begging her to love you when she doesn't. And more so, she no longer *respects* you. When a woman loses respect for a man, that's pretty much it for her.

You need to accept the fact that your cheating was a *deal breaker *for her no matter how many sugary compliments you give her, no matter how many promises of future fidelity you hand her, or how much you proclaim your love for her from the rooftops. It's a deal breaker and you need to start respecting the fact that she's disengaged from you emotionally but is having problems severing the tie completely. That's why she still reaches out to you.

Respect her wishes but more so, respect YOURSELF and stop the weak begging. There is NO dignity in that at all.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Alexj5 said:


> Yes it is both of our first serious relationship. We were highschool sweethearts and married right after highschool. Funny you use the word Toxic cause thats how she refered to our relationship..🤔


You're horrifyingly co-dependent.

Read up on Co-dependency.


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## Spicy

File for divorce and read up on and do the 180. You can always cancel the divorce if things change. It’s very, very hard to leave your first love, so I do understand that piece.


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