# Is it worth it if you know you make him unhappy...



## appleb (Jan 30, 2009)

I have been married for a little over an year now, but we have known each other and gone out for 5 years. It seems like we fight constantly. For every good day we have, we seem to have a really bad day. This cannot be normal. I'm not going to ask you guys to decide who is right or wrong because you will only get my side of the story and it's not fair to him.

So, my question is that it seems apparent that he is unhappy with our marriage when we have these fights. He is clearly unhappy with me as a person and as a partner. Honestly, I'm pretty depressed about the fact that we have so many fights. It seems like we don't know how to work out these problems so they don't keep happening again and again.

I really do love him. My family did not approve of him for silly reasons. But I married him anyway and ever since then all my family members have stopped talking to me and considered me to be dead. It doesn't make sense anymore to let him suffer at my cost. It seems selfish to keep the marriage going when it is so apparent that he is so unhappy with me. As per me, I would want to keep the marriage going because I love him so much and also because I really don't have anybody other than him as family and I would be lost and devastated. But he has a lovely family that respects and loves him dearly.

Day by day, I just feel like the right thing to do is to set him free from whatever it is that bothers him so deeply about me.


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

It's hard to tell from what you have written, but have you both sat down and discussed your feelings? I ask because your writing says "it seems" and "I feel". 

If you haven't already, you two need to sit down and have a long and serious discussion.

FYI.....I wanted to make my husband's throat a size 2 our first year of marriage. I thought something was really wrong because I had assumed the first year would be the best. Ha Ha! I found it to be the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It gets better.

Just have that talk.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you tried counciling?

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

appleb said:


> Day by day, I just feel like the right thing to do is to set him free from whatever it is that bothers him so deeply about me.


Can you hazard a guess as to what that is?


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## appleb (Jan 30, 2009)

Mark Twain:

He says I do not respect him, but I do respect him. However, any kind of joke however mild it is offends him terribly if it comes from me. Even if some of his actions hurt me, I try to get over it by just trying to joke my way out of it...I don't believe I even over do it because I am never given a chance to over do it. If I give a suggestion, it is always followed by a highly defensive reply which makes it seem like my suggestion itself was somehow disrespecting regardless how hard I try to put it in the nicest way. So, basically what I can gather is that he gets offended very easily when I say something. I also notice that if the same thing comes from one of our friends he receives it very differently. To top all of it, he has very short temper. He gets extremely angry extremely quickly. The fact that he does that deeply hurts me and we end up arguing and fighting because I cannot accept that - there is nothing I could have done that should upset him enough to throw things and break things around. Just to note, he never physically harmed me and i am not scared of any such thing.

Basically I can avoid such things by basically shutting up completely. But it's not always possible. Again, that's my side of the story...

draconis: No, we have not tried counseling. If I even suggest such a thing, I'm afraid it would be taken very negatively because he thinks it's all my fault. He would think that I'm blaming him. Also, we are from India. For some reason, there is some kind of taboo attached to marriage counseling and such things. Frankly, I'm dying for some therapy!

flipflopchic: We hardly talk about our problems. Somehow things get back to normal after a fight in couple of days or so and then I guess we don't want to rock the boat. I used to be the kind of person who wants to sit and talk and resolve every problem as soon as we have it. But he is the kind who wants to step away from problem. So, when I used to pester him to talk and resolve, he used to get more annoyed and we would exchange words and it would get worse. So, over the period of time I stopped doing that. Now I wait two days or so and then when I can't take 'not being normal' anymore, I blow up and he blows up. That's how it ends. We don't talk. Talking leads to more fights. It's sad, but true.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

appleb-

Have a look at this, it really helped me realise that I was not speaking my wife's language: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

I think counseling is the way to go. You can't just give up because this discussion will lead to an argument. As long as you are 100% sure he will not harm you, make him talk about this. Perhaps a mediator present would be a good idea. Is there someone that he trusts and respects that you could ask to help talk to him? Someone that believes in counseling? If he's not listening to you, then maybe some outside influence is needed. 

Hope this helps.


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