# What can I do if my wife is not sure she loves me anymore?



## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

Brief backstory: my wife and I have been married 12 years and have a three year old son.
Until very recently, I would have described our marriage as rock solid. It's been quite peaceful overall, with only occasional arguments but nothing major. Never any serious problems.

About a month ago, out of the blue (for me at least) my wife seemed very upset but didn't want to talk about it. I eventually coaxed her into talking, and she essentially said she felt like we were living like roommates rather than husband and wife. We ended up having a long, frank, and fruitful discussion. She told me she felt like there wasn't enough genuine conversation and romantic affection in our relationship. I truly took this to heart and have made major efforts in these areas. For several weeks, all seemed well. Our relationship felt better than ever (to me at least).

But then about a week ago she again seemed very upset but reluctant to talk. I eventually convinced her to talk with me about it, and she confessed that she wasn't sure if she really felt the same way about me that she used to. This was quite devastating to me, a complete punch in the gut. I re-affirmed my love for her, and after quite a bit of discussion she modified her position somewhat to say she felt we needed to make specific plans to connect with each other at least once a week (e.g. a date night). I agreed and we made such plans.

Yesterday was the first of those. Our three year old went to the grandparents and we went to a high-end brunch at a nearby swanky resort and had what I felt was quality, deep, personal conversation on many issues. Afterwards we went for a walk in a nearby national park and all seemed right with the world. 

But then after we got home, she told me she wanted to take a drive by herself. This was a little disturbing to me because the plan had been that since our son was at the grandparents, this would be our day to spend together. And here she is wanting to leave and go off on her own. I didn't express these concerns though, and she did end up leaving for a few hours. After she got back, her mood was entirely different than it had been earlier in the day. She would barely speak to me and seemed irritated at everything I said or did. Eventually I was able to convince her to talk with me, and she told me that she no longer felt romantic love for me, but that she cared for me and felt more like we were good friends. Another punch in the gut. But I kept asking questions, because I really wanted to know the truth of how she felt and where these feelings were coming from. She confessed that she felt a general restlessness with our life in general, and with our relationship in particular. She started talking about when she was back in college, when she felt she would never get married and would lead an exciting, independent, single life. That's not what happened, of course, and I never had any inclination she had any regrets about the path we'd chosen, at least not until now. For the first time ever, I felt in my gut that she would probably leave me, and probably sooner rather than later.

It's not just me either- multiple family members, including her mother, have complained to me in private that my wife seems very distant with very little interest in talking with them. She hasn't wanted to visit my parents in some time, even though they're only an hour away, so I've been going just with our son. She also seems to have an overall lack of affection for our son lately as well. She takes care of him (as do I), but she shows no interest in playing with him and seems to view him as just a chore to be done.

Strangely, after the episode last night, today she has been acting completely normal, even kind to me. Almost as if last night didn't even happen. Now I truly don't know what to think. It feels as if I might encounter a different person each day, even within the same day. But I just have this gut feeling that something is fundamentally broken now, and that sooner or later it will completely fall apart. I absolutely do not want a divorce, but I have been preparing myself mentally and emotionally for this possibility. 

She has also recently been developing a much stronger friendship with a male co-worker (her boss actually). She's known him for quite a while but in the past few months their friendship has grown quite a bit (and she's made no secret of this). I have no reason to believe she is having a physical affair but perhaps she is having an "emotional affair" (maybe even unintentionally).

I would appreciate any insight and advice from anyone who has been down this road (on either side).


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has a boyfriend.

Check the phone bill for high text/call numbers.

Does she leave her phone lying around unlocked?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OnceConvinced said:


> Brief backstory: my wife and I have been married 12 years and have a three year old son.
> Until very recently, I would have described our marriage as rock solid. It's been quite peaceful overall, with only occasional arguments but nothing major. Never any serious problems.
> 
> About a month ago, out of the blue (for me at least) my wife seemed very upset but didn't want to talk about it. I eventually coaxed her into talking, and she essentially said she felt like we were living like roommates rather than husband and wife. We ended up having a long, frank, and fruitful discussion. She told me she felt like there wasn't enough genuine conversation and romantic affection in our relationship. I truly took this to heart and have made major efforts in these areas. For several weeks, all seemed well. Our relationship felt better than ever (to me at least).
> ...


And there you go.



OnceConvinced said:


> I have no reason to believe she is having a physical affair but perhaps she is having an "emotional affair" (maybe even unintentionally).


Really? No reason at all?

Maybe go back and re-read your initial post.



OnceConvinced said:


> I would appreciate any insight and advice from anyone who has been down this road (on either side).


1. Start digging.

2. Gird your loins and pucker up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> She has a boyfriend.
> 
> Check the phone bill for high text/call numbers.
> 
> Does she leave her phone lying around unlocked?


:iagree::iagree: You need to do some secret digging here - the chances are VERY GOOD there is another man in the picture. My advice is to seek out advice here on investigating your wife's activities. There are a lot of people on TAM with experience in this area. 

As of right now - DO NOT let your wife know you are suspicious of her being unfaithful - DO NOT confront her without hard proof and NEVER give her your methods or your sources - EVER. 

I'm sorry you are here - good luck - and begin your investigation immediately.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's having an affair. We've seen this many, many, many, times.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ok, you've seen a very sudden change in your wife. She is rewriting marital history. She left after your date for a couple of hours and acted WAY differently after returning. Should I tell you where she was?
You've gotten the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech.

Should I tell you what happens next?

She will tell you she "needs space".

Yes, her phone is in characteristically locked. She won't even consider giving you the pass code and you'd be stupid to ask for it.

99.9% sure your wife is having an affair. What you've described is CLASSIC symptoms.

Your wife would never do that, right? Wrong, she is. 

Get an attorney, find out what you're gonna lose. You're wife is already gone. I know it hurts and you feel like your life is falling apart. It's horrible pain. You think you won't get over it. I did. You will, too. It's a rough ride. But you will get through it. Don't expect it to be easy and don't think you'll get over it in just a few months. At least a year or three. But you will.

The sooner you accept your wife is a cheater and your marriage is over, the faster you will heal. Don't cry, beg, or plead. Kick her out if you can. Choke the tears back and save them for when she is gone. You'll regret any tears you spent on her in the future. The more you chase her, the faster she will run. Just boot her and move on. You have no choice and I am very, very sorry because I know how it feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Go back and reread your original post. There's more red flags flying there than a Mayday parade in Moscow.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like her mind and emotions are engaged elsewhere, hence the disconnect and her issues with the marriage and you. She is guilty hence the lack of visits to her family, they would not approve so she does not want to face them regularly, all signs of a guilty conscience.

1. do not put her on notice that you suspect anything but start snooping - PC, VARS, even consider a PI to follow her and see what she is up to, get hard evidence before confronting
2. Did you not ask her where she went for all those hours, what was her reaction?
3. get your ducks in a row with a lawyer, find out what your options are
4. Try as much as possible to act normally with her, keep conversation to admin matters, no marriage, emotional issues

Go from here and see what you find out, something is not right


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

99+% chance of an affair. I base that on the fact that it took me about three sentences to say "she's cheating on him", and nothing after that did anything but confirm.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your wife seems to be trying to find excuses to end the marriage, and is currently tormented by having to stay with you and your child.

She took a drive to be alone when you two were supposed to be connecting?

She has been getting close to her boss?

She is having an affair. Her affair is what is influencing her feelings about you. If she gets out of the affair, she'll recommit to the family, including you.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Sorry you're here.

The you wrote "she wanted to take a ride alone after your walk" I went ,,, ok thats not good

Then you mentioned the boss and ,,,, boom there it is

Amazing, amazing, amazing to see the same script, thread after thread !

Take the advice your receiving about discovery and engaging an attorney to see where you stand.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Everyone's saying it's an affair, and everyone's saying "red flags" and so on... and it's true that if you're mentioning another man she's made friends with, then it's worth mentioning, and something could be going on there. 

But I do think it's worth investigating some other possibilities, too, because those "red flags" could actually be signs of other, unrelated problems. To me some of the things you mentioned sounded like depression. Also, sudden changes in a person can be linked to developing psychosis or emotional disorders other than depression. I'm not saying that's what's going on, but I don't like how everyone jumps straight to "s/he's cheating" in these threads, and it wasn't my first instinct here, personally. Actually, I think the jumping-to-conclusions is what most people are remembering when they say "we've seen this a hundred times" - not the actual turnout of each situation. 

Don't just do the things your wife asks of you; try to get to the heart of the issue. Talk to her about what she's feeling and what's wrong, and ask if she wants to see a counsellor. I'd tell her you're willing to see a counsellor with her if she wants you to, but I personally wouldn't push that on her. 

I hope things work out well for you, and I hope she's okay. Although, maybe those hopes are mutually exclusive...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

If your wife isn't sure if she loves you, then you say this:

"Wife, I love you, but from your statement, it's clear you no longer love me. I will not beg, grovel, or dance to get your attention. I love you enough to know that you would lose what ever remaining respect you have for me by doing that. 

I know you can't make the decision and you don't want to hurt me so I will make it easy for you by making the choice. 

I choose not be be with someone that no longer loves me. I respect myself enough to want to be with someone who cherishes me and loves me.

So we will now work towards a divorce. I hope we can be adults and end our union amicably."

Also, everyone will tell you to dig.

There really isn't a need. She has already left you and is figuring out a way to do it with out hurt and/or guilt.

You need to do the following:
1) Lawyer - find out your rights
2) STD test - sorry, but your wife has been with someone else. You need to find out if you are okay.
3) Assets - get them in order
4) IC - you need to get some counseling to help you through this time.
5) 180 - read up on it and commit to it.


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## Ponderball (Feb 12, 2016)

Fight or flight? The ultimate decision is up to you. 12 years down the drain, but how old are you and how much longer have you yet to live? You could find out the truth on your own which is harder, but much more rewarding because in the event and in the end "you" will have closure. And that's all we all ask for when a relationship ends, is why did this or why is this ending? And what the other person fails to do to is explain why or to tell the truth, because they themselves are not strong enough to muster the strength to say I am not complete. But do we need to have that other person by our sides to affirm that are we really complete? I am married. Before I married, I thought I was strong in myself to make this life altering decision. I see my parents married 39 years and here I am, 8 months into my second marriage, 4 months pregnant and my jealous and controlling husband says that I am a ****, that I am a flirt, that I need to leave my house. And for all for what? Because a coworker calls to ask if I will be in the next day to work, because I left early, because I am sick. I would rather chew on rocks than say this to anyone. No one deserves to be spoken to in such a rotten manner. I called his twin brother... who is a good person/ biased, and he said for me to go home, that I shouldn't have left, because his brother is just being a big baby, that he will call him and give him an earful. But then he adds he is stressed, because we are having a baby. He is stressed. I am stressed too. I have a cold. I am pregnant. I work full-time. I have a three year old daughter, who picks up on everything. I pay the bills too. There is no need to name call, no need to be insecure and no need to belittle. I read that you should check her phone calls, so I did the same with my husbands and there are numbers there in black and white...were he calls constantly for a bit and then not for a while. If she can not be honest with you, then ultimately she can not be honest with herself and she will hurt everyone involved. Continue with your life, pursue your interests, raise your child and learn from this. Sometimes in relationships we become so immersed and yes we love the other person, but you must love yourself more. I love myself, my unborn child, my daughter more than this person who tries to tear me down.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Most people on here will say she's having an affair because that's all they know.

She might be but there's also a good chance she's just struggling with so called midlife crisis.

Be there for her, listen to her, do what you can to make her day to day life easier, and if she's looking for romance and sex then give it to her!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree that it's propably an affair and that you should start all your surveillence activites now and definitely do not let her know that you are. I think that the try at date nights and having time for yourselves she was using as proof to herself that she wants the other man more than you. Get ready to file and start reserching men's right divorce lawyers. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but this is modern marriage, whenever women get tired of you, they are defended by the courts to be able to get someone else and collect half of your money.


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## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

Is it an oversimplification to say she's cheating on you but that seems to be the overwhelming opinion of people... You could approach the subject gently but if you feel like there is infidelity going around on her part there is some point you have to come right out and ask her... I personally feel like its better to know, than not to know but that's not the case for everybody... Anyways, the fact that other people are noticing her behavior not just you is important and gives credence to your concern over the direction your relationship is taking. I wish you the best and you have to be brave to confront what is going on and how your relationship has changed!


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Just check the phone records when she went for her drive...That will tell you everything!
Sorry Buddy !


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

All the signs are there, 
Not in love, irretability, unaccounted time away (right after vacation, she is addicted to her affair partner and was having withdrawals), etc.

You cant compete with him the "new love and deepening connection" are all consuming.

Her brain chemistry has changed, she is no longer the person you knew and your declarations of love and chasingng her seem desperate and unnatural to her and are driving her away.

Only consequences can snap her out of the fog.
You probanly dont have it in you though, so your goose is cooked. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

VCKid1982 said:


> You could approach the subject gently but if you feel like there is infidelity going around on her part there is some point you have to come right out and ask her... I personally feel like its better to know, than not to know but that's not the case for everybody...


Most spouses who are cheating also have another unfortunate trait of not being honest about it.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

VCKid1982 said:


> but if you feel like there is infidelity going around on her part there is some point you have to come right out and ask her


What's that going to do?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lexis said:


> Most people on here will say she's having an affair because that's all they know.


Or maybe it's just because we can read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lexis said:


> Most people on here will say she's having an affair because that's all they know.
> 
> She might be but there's also a good chance she's just struggling with so called midlife crisis.
> 
> Be there for her, listen to her, do what you can to make her day to day life easier, and if she's looking for romance and sex then give it to her!


That's because most here are not that naive.

Sorry man, check your phone records. Go on online takes @ 30 minutes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Creative writing assignment?

Well. In case it isn't.

There is another penis involved in this torrid story and your wife is falling in love with her affair partner.

Don't leave us hanging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Update:

She was (and still is) cheating.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...593-bomb-just-blew-up-middle-my-marriage.html

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm so shocked! 
Who'd have thunk it???

Those rotten betrayed spouses on here were right AGAIN???? 

Can't be, they're so..... Whatever
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I'm sorry to say this but your wife is showing classic signs of having an affair. Have you asked her if she has been seeing anyone else? I would sit down and calmly ask her if she has been...it's better than snooping in her phone. If she denies it then ask her if she will let you see her phone. If she doesn't, then there's your proof right there. If she's mad that you accused her of cheating then let her be mad. If she's been cheating then she was in the wrong anyway...if she isn't then you can tell her that her distancing herself from you and the family have made you scared and curious. But I am 99% sure she is having an affair right now.


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