# Wife left me - need help



## Slightly Robotic (May 31, 2012)

Hey all. I am new to these forums so please be gentle 

I guess the best place to start is by saying that my wife and I have been married for about 8 years now. I have not been the most attentive husband or friend to her over the years. She is a naturally passionate and emotional person...someone who is led by their heart. In the past she has had problems with depression and has always said she hated herself. I always blamed this on her family life when she was growing up. Her father is an angry alcoholic and her mother is a career woman and a bit of an ice queen. She had a lot of issues growing up such as reading books to escape, shaving her head, cutting herself, etc.

When we met, she had been in a ton of failed relationships. Many of which were emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive. I have always been a fairly logical person and went through a lot of trauma through the years (family deaths, dying mother, major truck accident that almost killed me, etc), so I was emotionally suppressed. She fell head over heels with me (kind of like a puppy). I had been single for 10 years prior to meeting her, so her interest made me feel good. I chose to be single for so long because I just wouldn't waste my time with someone that I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with. Before we were married we went through a lot of difficulties. She would freak out and be verbally abusive and stuff like that and I would tell her that everyone has to be responsible for their 'output' and she doesn't have the right to talk to me like that. She improved a lot and we had fewer and fewer fights over the years.

We have been through a lot together. My hip replacement, utter poverty a lot of the time, the birth of our daughter (now 5 years old), the death of her grandpa, the death of my mother, etc. In the past I made the mistake of being too judgemental with her. I have always tried to be supportive, but have also been passive aggressive when she wanted to make changes to herself (like a sleeve tattoo, shaved head, etc.) I used to tell her that I didn't prefer that look, as I am fairly conservative, but if she wanted to, she was free to make those changes. She has always resented me for the changes she had to make to be with me.

To make a long story shorter, over the years I became complacent with our marriage and selfish with my time. She was miserable a lot of the time, always trying to find happiness by changing something about herself. I didn't show a lot of affection. It was kind of a vicious cycle in that she would get depressed and I would back off...she would get more depressed and I would back off more. Every once in a long while she would scream at me and I would try to remain calm and rational, but she would push my buttons and I would scream too. She always says I don't understand her and she needs someone that can 'handle' her. I've never understood what she means by that. Once she would calm down, she would always say she's sorry and blame the fight on her being psycho. This continued for years, but with fewer and ferwer fights occuring. I thought (in my own head) that we had a pretty solid relationship and we would be one of those couples that would last forever.

Recently we went on vacation and flew down to see her family. When we got back, she started acting more distant and would spend a lot of time in her online game talking to friends, etc. She has a genuine interest in people and she would ask me if I minded her talking to her friends so much. Me, trying to be understanding and supportive, would tell her sure...noprob...whatever makes you happy. 

Just before mother's day she told me that she was having an emotional affair with a guy she met through her game. He is 17 years older that her, married, and has 2 children. She then started to tell me that she thinks she wants out of the marriage. I was crushed and confused and in shock. We talked about it and she blamed me for not showing enough interest in her over the years and said I drove her to do it. I apologized and told her I forgave her. Starting immediately I became overly affectionate and she was still pulling away and being distant. 

Unfortunately in my emotional turmoil I figured it'd be a good idea to check her game chat logs a couple days later to see what was happening between her and this other guy. I was utterly devastated with what I found. They were talking about me, having extremely intimate and sexual conversations. I became angry and removed my ring before she arrived home. Again my judgement was poor and I placed the ring on top of 'her' shelf in the kitchen. I didn't do it to be vengeful, I just didn't want to lose it.

She saw the ring when she got home and was hurt (understandably) and I confronted her angrily about what I had found. She was very angry with me and proceeded to password protect everything.

We spent a few more days of not really talking with one another. Me trying to occupy my time in the main part of the house (seething inside because I knew she was chatting with him) and she did not leave the computer. 

We talked further after discussing a possible seperation and decided to give our marriage a one month trial. We shook on it and I was very happy. A day passed and she did not leave the computer (she said it was because she was the leader of her group and something important was happening). I tried to be understanding, but inside I was still very hurt and jealous. We went sliding with our daughter in the late afternoon and I could tell my wife was just not into it. She wouldn't go on the sled...just stood away from us. The next day I told her that I think it would be better for her to move to the hotel for a few days to help with her 'emotional numbness'. I moved her out and it's been about 10 days that we've been apart. 

We live in a very small town, so seeing her is inevitable. Plus she runs the daycare and I have to drop our daughter off daily, so I have constant contact with her. I have been an emotional wreck for many days now and for the first few days, she said she just needs space. I was panicking and weighing the odds of trying to work it out and convice her to come back so we could save our marriage, but in the end my efforts drove her further away. 

Just a couple nights ago we had a talk and she said that it was over between us and she's never coming back. I tried to be understanding and have not talked about us since. She has stated she still loves me and wants to remain friends, so we txt each other occasionally throughout the day. It's usually me initiating the conversation though.

I am so scared that I've lost her for good. I have an appointment with a councilor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says I guess. In a last ditch effort to save our marriage I have composed an email to her, but have not sent it as I want to give it some time. This is the email in it's current form.

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To my wife,

This is the last time I will talk about saving our marriage out of respect for you and your decision. I am calm and thinking rationally, so I hope this email reflects this. 

I want, more than anything, to try to save this marriage as I believe it's repairable. I believe most of our compatibility issues have been the result of me not listening and always thinking I was right when you expressed your concerns. I love you with all my heart and I know that I will regret this for the rest of my life if I don't try to make one final attempt. I completely forgive you for what happened and will never bring it up in the future or use it as ammunition. I am a man with a good heart, I love my family and would do anything for you and our daughter, I am a good provider, I am a Christian, I am loyal, I have a decent moral compass, I am dependable, I try to be a good father, I try my best to be considerate, supportive, understanding, patient and kind (although I sometimes fail badly on a few of these points). 

In the past I have not been a great husband, companion, and friend. I was quite selfish and blind for many years. This experience has really taught me what it means and what actions are required to be a good husband and friend. I didn't have great examples of this growing up as my biological father abandoned us and my stepfather was gone most of the time. I also think I've become a better listener. I found a quote from Yogi Bhajan that I now carry in my wallet. It reads "communicate to others that you have the capacity to hear them". When we met, we were both young. I say I was young because, in a lot of ways my emotional growth was stunted. I have been in a rut, as you have said, for many years and have only realized recently how deep the rut really was and how badly I was stuck. 

I want to make some genuine, long-lasting changes in my life. I want to be a better father, a better spiritual leader for our household, and a better husband. I know you are terrified that if we do try again, that I will fall back into my old routine and you will get hurt all over again. I know that you don't trust what I say and I understand. Know this - my eyes and EARS are opened and I will try and earn your trust and your heart again no matter how long it takes (if you will let me) because I love,adore, respect, and genuinely like you (yes, even with a sleeve tattoo ). I am not writing this to try and trick you. I don't want you to think that I'll say and promise anything just to get you back. My motives are pure and honest. I am anything but perfect, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have put you through in the past, I will do my very best to not disappoint you or me. I know I can be a great husband and friend if you will allow me to show you. If you do decide to give our marriage a final chance, I know it won't be easy and will require patient communication and understanding from both sides, but will be worth it in the end if we succeed and build a stronger marriage together. I don't need an answer right now. All I ask is you think about what I have written as I am speaking from my heart.

Most sincerely,

Me

P.S. I've decided my favorite color is Indigo. When I was a kid, my favorite color was aqua. 

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The bit at the end about the color was because she got angry with me for not having a favorite color. Not knowing who I was, etc.

I am nervous about sending this and driving her farther away. HELP...what should I do?? 

Sorry for such a long post


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whatever you do, don't send it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is trying to blameshift everything onto you once she found a new man. This is called gaslighting, stuff people usually do in the throes of an affairs. They will only come back to reality once the affair comes crashing down. You are taking a lot more guilt than you should for her affair. That is a very common mistake that men that are cheated upon make. I would suggest that you head over to the Coping with Infidelity so that you get necessary advice and the final steps you need to take to destroy the affair before proceeding to divorce. Your wife will be in a better frame of mind to make a decision on the marriage only after the affair ends. You don't want her to be used by OM and dumped back onto you in a couple of months.

If the man is married, expose the affair to his wife and his work place.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't send the letter. It makes you look weak. It can wait.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Sorry dude but:
1. Your wife is damaged goods and won't have a normal relationship with you EVER. She needs MASSIVE therapy for her past. Until she gets that, it's a non-starter.
2. Your wife is in a full blown EA which may go physical if her and OM are close enough together. Until the affair is done, there is NO CHANCE for R.
3. You have shown your wife weakness which makes you less attractive to her. What you should have done when you discovered the EA and sexual chat is:
A. Wife, I have noticed you are chatting inappropriately with OM. This will stop now. 
B. Remove the computer and internet connection from the home. She will b!tch about you being "controlling" etc, but a cheating spouse has to be controlled in a legal fashion. You are NOT required to provide a computer or internet connection for your spouse. 

If you want to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it. You need to MAN UP and give your WW two choices:
1. End the affair NOW and cut off all contact with OM and send NC letter. 
2. Get to work on your property settlement agreement as you and your lawyer file for D. 

There is no other choice as she will use you for security while getting all her other needs met from the OM and she will have NO motiviation to change. Filing for D will let her know that she MUST get everything from the OM.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't send it!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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