# Confrontation...both couples



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I am currently going through the aftermath of my wife's short affair with a co-worker. Both marriages are on a knife's edge of divorce, and both cheaters appear to be truly repentant, but there has been some evasion and "trickle truth". I have had the idea that there be a moderated (therapist) confrontation between the two couples, both to satisfy me and the co-workers wife as to the trustworthiness of the information we have received from our cheating spouses, and to see if there is any true affection between them. Is this a good idea? My wife has said that she will do anything to regain my trust, and will agree to any meeting I suggest. Is this something that might help? Or am I wasting my time?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly don't see the point. I know you and the OM's wife are really hurting now. It almost seems as though the two of you are teaming up; it will be you and his wife against them. You really don't want your wife and the OM on a "team", do you? 

I'm not sure if you are hoping to reconcile or pursue a divorce. I think by endeavoring to force every remaining detail out of them it will definitely put you closer to divorce. And if you are taking that path, why bother with the tiny details anyway. If you are taking the reconciliation route, do you really want to endure more pain? It sounds as though it's time for everyone to heal and move on--whichever path that may be.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I would say it probably would not be a good idea. I don't think it will work out as you hope. I understand your reasoning but I still wouldn't suggest. That's my opinion. 

My H's short affair was with a good friend of mine. So, the temptation was there to meet the 4 us. We did not. I did meet with her about a month and a half after it ended just her and I. 

If both seem to be truly repentent that's great. Both were in my case as well and we've stayed in our marriages. Your wife is willing to do anything to make it up to you. Work with her on rebuilding your relationship - find out what was missing that made her stray. Work on your relationship. Don't worry about theirs. 

If you want to meet with a therapist I think it's a great idea - it helped us. However, truth be told - very little time will be spent on the actual affair. (at least in our case) 90% of it was focused on us and what was wrong with us & our marriage. The A wasn't the focus at all. 

As far as every sordid detail - be careful what you wish for. My H has always told me what I ask. But sometimes he said there would be details he wouldn't go into because there was no need, it would only hurt me more and he didn't see the reason. I respect that. I mean, if I pursued he would have but I see his point. Some of the details or a moot point anyway - it's not going to change what happened so why dwell?

Best of luck to you!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Not only would this be a bad idea, but it is pointless - this marriage is already aimed at divorce anyway - there is absolutely no reason for the use of force (in any manifestation) to make someone talk about things. If Dow's wife was willing to work on the marriage, she'd be willing to give reasons. If Dow was willing to work on the marriage, he's be busy working on recovery, rather than destruction. I am not an advocate of dishonesty in any way, but the manner in which Dow has set this entire scenario up, there is no possible way that anything his wife tells him will be 'the truth' - he'll simply claim 'that's not it' and continue attacking. It's a no-win situation.

It's my two cents worth that this marriage was over long before the affair started, and with neither partner willing to work on it, and divorce as the desired outcome, why the useless posturing? Of course, Dow's wife is NOT HERE, so there is no way that any of what is being claimed can be verified. 

Over and out.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think the confrontation risk is worth it.

However, maybe you can huddle with the other betrayed party and come up with a written set of questions. Then put the questions to your own spouses separately and without the cheaters having time to get their stories in sync.

Might be useful for ferreting out diverging stories.

On the other hand, it could just add to the whole ball of wax.

Presume they are liars.

Verify what they say for long time before any trust be granted.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can you honestly answer a question for me? Is your real, true goal to repair your marriage? Or is it to continue to punish and humiliate your W for her transgression? 

I am not minimizing what she did. It was awful. But I don't see you as focused on repair. It seems like you are using the pretense of repair as the means of "getting even". 

DJ - I know you are hurting. I am sure that you have already shared your pain with her very effectively so she is hurting AND she feels guilty. What is it you really want from her?






Dowjones said:


> I am currently going through the aftermath of my wife's short affair with a co-worker. Both marriages are on a knife's edge of divorce, and both cheaters appear to be truly repentant, but there has been some evasion and "trickle truth". I have had the idea that there be a moderated (therapist) confrontation between the two couples, both to satisfy me and the co-workers wife as to the trustworthiness of the information we have received from our cheating spouses, and to see if there is any true affection between them. Is this a good idea? My wife has said that she will do anything to regain my trust, and will agree to any meeting I suggest. Is this something that might help? Or am I wasting my time?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not a good idea. To much of a chance that it turns into a us (faithful) and them (cheater) situation. You do not want to encourage any connection between them. Even if its a "Aren't we a pile of crap" connection. The truth is out. If you and the OMWs want to compare notes. Then have the cheaters write out a journal of events then compare. At this point your wife will agree to anything in hopes of saving her marriage. The most difficult thing for me to reconcile is that my wife would be sexually satisfied with me after comparing me to the OM. I think one of the most important questions, is the length of time each sexual encounter was.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> You do not want to encourage any connection between them.


Exactly. There's a reason for the concept of 'NO contact' - it is valuable for rebuilding a marriage (kind of like no more meth for the recovering addict: you don't take it in a more controlled way. You avoid it altogether.)


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I was just wondering if this would be helpful for both myself and the wife of the co-worker. I see that allowing them to "cook up ", something together is a bad idea, and my wife is definitely no interested in being near the co-worker at all, she says she feels bad enough , without having to look at her "mistake", IDK what she meant, but presumably the co-worker. It would have been a pain-in-the-ass anyway since they would have had to fly back here for any meeting. So I guess, bad idea.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Tanelorn, if you can't be civil please don't post . It seems like because I know my situation better than you and have rejected your "advice", that you have a burr under your saddle for me. So be it. Leave my threads alone if you can't say anything positive.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

My wife has suggested she take a polygraph. Is this a realistic option, and how accurate are they? Comparing notes with the co-worker's wife has been a Godsend, and has given me a fairly accurate timeline of the affair. I'm now fairly sure that there were two sexual encounters, but several meetings in the food court, but in public, so no intimacies. The confrontation isn't going to happen. It was an idea, nothing more.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

There again, what's the point? Your wife has admitted to the affair. The OM has admitted to the affair. What are you hoping to accomplish? It's time to move on and let the wound heal.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> My wife has suggested she take a polygraph. Is this a realistic option, and how accurate are they? Comparing notes with the co-worker's wife has been a Godsend, and has given me a fairly accurate timeline of the affair. I'm now fairly sure that there were two sexual encounters, but several meetings in the food court, but in public, so no intimacies. The confrontation isn't going to happen. It was an idea, nothing more.


no matter how many the encounters, the real thing is she has cheated. 

so now, determine your direction. Act properly. do not go back to think the affair, but move your life forward immediately.

God Bless You Dow


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> My wife has suggested she take a polygraph. Is this a realistic option, and how accurate are they? Comparing notes with the co-worker's wife has been a Godsend, and has given me a fairly accurate timeline of the affair. I'm now fairly sure that there were two sexual encounters, but several meetings in the food court, but in public, so no intimacies. The confrontation isn't going to happen. It was an idea, nothing more.


I think it’s one heck of a problem when a spouse has been found cheating or as in your case your wife owned up to it and quite literally demonstrated her remorse. Of course the latter is better.

But that problem is amplified many times by further deceits, lies and blaming by the spouse that cheated. It’s like they cheated in the first place and they cheated again with their lies and deceits. It can make the mind go crazy. 

It is immensely difficult to regain trust in those circumstances. Maybe the lie detector will help you both get to the place you need to be before you start rebuilding your marriage.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Tanelorn, if you can't be civil please don't post . It seems like because I know my situation better than you and have rejected your "advice", that you have a burr under your saddle for me. So be it. Leave my threads alone if you can't say anything positive.


There's an ignore list in the User CP


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I just want to point out that it seems like any constructive criticism is seen as a personal attack in your eyes. I'm no expert by any means, but in my opinion, a lie detector or confrontation isn't what will make or break your marriage. Not if you're going to refuse to listen to the MC when they have anything to say that you disagree with.

Granted, I don't know you, but from what I've read, it seems like you just want everyone to agree with you and you don't want any real help. That's your prerogative, but lashing out at those offering advice makes you look bad.

I understand the amount of pain you're feeling right now. Believe me, I understand and sympathize completely with you. That's not helping you, though. It's like seeing someone stuck in mud and patting them on the head and telling them how sorry for them you are, instead of offering them your hand and helping them out of the mud.

My case is different than yours because I was doing a lot to contribute to the problems that led to my H's infidelity. Had I been only working too much, like you, I probably would'nt have forgiven so easily. I was doing (and not doing) so many things wrong that I can't imagine what it would be like for someone who hadn't and was still cheated on by their spouse. So, I realize your case is unique, but try to keep an open mind. Even if you don't agree with everything a person says, there is probably still something in their advice you can use.

As for the lie detector test- if it will help put your mind at ease, then it might be a good idea. I think that when you find out your spouse has been unfaithful it just consumes you for a while and it's hard to concentrate on anything else. In my opinion, it's healthy to try to focus on your relationship if you want to save it. If you need to make sure you have all the facts and details first, then that's what you should do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Dow just needs closure and to make sure the entire truth was told. He doesn't 2 years down the road and something pops up that he wasn't made away of. Then all of the sudden the pain is back and he'll wonder why the hell did I just waste 2 years of my life.

A lie detector test will put his mind at ease in that she is telling everything and there are no more secrets. Remember, she cheated and he's having a hard time believing that he's gotten the entire story. She may be remorseful but she might also have hidden more than what might have happened.

If she is willing to do it, set one up and get it over with so you can move on with your life and get closure one way or the other. It's never gonna go away until you get some sort of closure, or you can bottle it up and grow resentful of your wife over the years.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

LuvmyH, Did you read some of the comments I received? One poster said "f**k you', another poster said he was glad my marriage was failing, another supposedly professional poster insulted me repeatedly and said that if I didn't follow his instructions , my marriage was doomed. Does this sound like constructive criticism, to you? You will also note that I have repeatedly thanked posters for their comments and have never personally insulted others as I have been insulted.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Our first session with the new Therapist/ counselor is tommorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. I called the office to confirm our appointment, and while I had her on the phone, asked about the lie-detector test. She said that it was okay for my piece of mind, but not necessary. My wife said again that she is willing to take one, even without knowing about it beforehand. IDK, I'm pretty sure that I have most, if not all of the info about the A that I need, so is it worth it? Does anybody have any info about their accuracy?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

LuvmyH, I may seem a little testy , at times, but the stress is beginning to get to me. Every day somebody calls to either express sympathy, or give advice ( both pro divorce and pro reconciliation). I know I need help, but crabbiness I don't need. Thanks a lot ofr your good wishes, and I'll keep you (plural) posted on developments.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Dow, I've posted to your threads before. Our situations are somewhat similar. I started taking Sam-E (can be bought at GNC) about a week ago. It's stopped my obsessive thoughts cold! After suffering for 7 months, I'm finally getting some emotional peace. Also, while you are upset with some of the professional advise or the way it is delivered, the advise is sound. I've become a student of the topic of affairs. I've read 7 books and visited almost every website on the subject. I spend several hours a week with 2 therapists. They all agree with most of the advise you've been given.
When you are farther along in your "work", you will become less focused on the details of the affair and more focused on how you can save your marriage. I think the bigger focus should be on "will she/could she ever do it again?" What can you do to ensure this will never happen again. I can tell you that my marriage has gotten better than it's ever been following my wife's "indescression". We both work hard, every day, to make our marriage unlike anything either of us have ever known.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Our first session with the new Therapist/ counselor is tommorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. I called the office to confirm our appointment, and while I had her on the phone, asked about the lie-detector test. She said that it was okay for my piece of mind, but not necessary. My wife said again that she is willing to take one, even without knowing about it beforehand. IDK, I'm pretty sure that I have most, if not all of the info about the A that I need, so is it worth it? Does anybody have any info about their accuracy?


I totally get where you are coming from here. I often wonder if my husband is still keeping things from me or hiding secrets or even flat out lying to me. But, as hard as it is for me to deal with in my situation, I know that at some point I have to put "the affair" behind me and stop asking questions. I know you aren't there yet, but you'll get there. You will get to the point that you feel like you know enough and do not need to know any more. Being in this place of needing to know every little detail about the affair is like riding a stationary bike, you are peddling for your life, but you aren't going any where.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I agree Sadara, it seems like for every bit of progress we make, another detail of the affair will reveal itself, and I have to go through the whole thing again, in my mind, to see if this is a "new", detail or one she has already told me.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I call those set backs. Those are things that set you back and you have to work again to heal what was once healed and now damaged again. I'm still going through this with my husband. But it does get easier and easier to deal with.


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