# Considering Marriage counseling



## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

*Cheating men*

I need a man any man to please tell me why If you cheat, get caught, say you want to fix everything, why do you then not tell the entire truth?????!!!!! You say you're sorry, you look sorry but you don't want to do any of the hard work!!!!!!! You don't want to talk about your infidelity, you shift blame, you want me to bury the past????!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*

I'm not a man, but....

They dont want to be seen as the bad guy. 
They dont actually WANT to work it out, but know if they dont appear to want to, then that makes them look bad. (again, the bad guy) 
They dont want the responsibility. 
They actually want to keep cheating, but dont want to lose the security they have with their partner, so they think they can fake their way through the whole process. 

But here is the bottom line... THEY ARE NOT SORRY. THEY ARE ONLY SORRY THAT THEY GOT CAUGHT. And they are going to do it again, because you keep staying. 

Same reasons apply to women who cheat too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Cheating men*

Having not cheated I can't say from personal experience, but I can imagine many possible reasons.

There may be a desire to hide just how extensive the cheating was.

If there is true regret, then going over the cheating is like being constantly asked to confess ones crimes over and over.

There may be a desire to protect the other person

Sometimes the questions can be self-destructive. Why would someone want to know every detail of an affair?

Sometimes while the cheater has decided to work things out, they feel that the cheating was justified by their partners actions and don't want to open that question again.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Not gender specific at all. Cheating takes lies and minipulation. Liars never come clean, when caught they will continue lying or giving only as little truth as possible. Man or woman makes no difference, lying cheating scum are all the same.


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## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

*Re: Cheating men*

I guess I want to know details because I feel stupid for getting cheated on twice. He betrayed me I forgave him and he did it again. So now I want to know everything.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> you want me to bury the past????!!!


I am a man. It's no different when it's a woman doing the cheating. All adulterers are liars. They lie to themselves that they are somehow "justified" in doing what they do. They want to continue, while you pay the price. 
@3Xnocharm has the whole schtick spot-on. My wife wanted two men. She wanted a "fun man" and a "provider man". She could never find both in one body, so she "settled" for me, and went to other men for fun.

And, you're exactly right. She wanted me to "bury the past", never bring it up, never say anything that didn't allow her to escape that it was her own damnable fault... she didn't want to change. She said "...I'm sorry _this_ has hurt you...". She wanted to have a father for her boys, a roof over her head, food in the pantry, car to drive, gas in it. That was my purpose. 

That's why "once a cheater, always a cheater"....is exactly correct. They never develop contrition over what they do. They never accept blame and responsibility for their behavior, therefore, there is no repentance. Dr. Phil says, quite rightly, "....you can't change what you don't acknowledge..."

Do yourself a big favor. Get out.... go find yourself a decent, morally-upright man to be your husband. One who will love you like himself. As to your current whatever-he-is, fuhgedaboudit.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I guess I want to know details because I feel stupid for getting cheated on twice. He betrayed me I forgave him and he did it again. So now I want to know everything.


Then you best get out, because its going to happen again.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



uhtred said:


> There may be a desire to protect the other person


Yes, there may be, but it is not borne of considering the other person as important as themselves. If they "protect" the other person's feelings, they have a better chance of keeping the other person "in place".



uhtred said:


> Sometimes the questions can be self-destructive. Why would someone want to know every detail of an affair?


Because the betrayed spouse "buys in" to having "caused" the affair. He/she thinks that if details become known, he/she can "change" to be like the person their wayward, selfish POS spouse desires, and create a reconciliation.

They spend money, time, buy drugs, see doctors, get their hair colored, have boob jobs, and loathe themselves in recrimination over these details. Often, the answers they receive to their questions are lies, anyway, so the time and expense of their effort nets them nothing.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



3Xnocharm said:


> Then you best get out, because its going to happen again.


Again, @3Xnocharm is nailing it. With most of these selfish bastards, getting caught and "forgiven" means they have to find better hiding methods.


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## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

*Re: Cheating men*

@TJW It's true I was trying to see what they talked about and what was different about her.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I guess I want to know details because I feel stupid for getting cheated on twice. He betrayed me I forgave him and he did it again. So now I want to know everything.


I would say you already know everything you need to know. He is a cheater. He can not commit to just one woman. You want a man who can commit to you. He is not the man for you. 

I'm new to TAM but the cheating threads all have such similar themes and components. And every BS that has gotten all the minute details of WS's affair has suffered greatly for the knowledge. I've been cheated on. Knowing he was with someone else is all I needed to know. Having a mind movie of all the details to play in my head over and over to torture myself with is not something I ever wanted. I will confess to not understanding the reason for asking for details that will just hurt you more. Please spare yourself this and just move on. He does not love you the way you need to be loved. I'm sorry.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Cheating men*

I am not a cheating man but to me the reality of truth is perceived more painful than the lie, which is falsely present in our mind as the lie is temporary reduction of the pain and the easier or two worlds to deal with.

Lying is trying to manipulate a situation or situations to our advantage, a preservation or protection of what one wants others to see.

That said, people do not see an affair as what it really is, a willingness to risk trust and put it into the crossfire and assume thinking that as long as one can deflect one stream of hurt, one can survive the other.

A relationship killed by the death of a thousand cuts in the shape of lies or idle talk...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> @TJW It's true I was trying to see what they talked about and what was different about her.


Such invite their own suffering... if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

Who would mindfully invite either?

Desires unchecked... perhaps they deserve another?

He most certainly does not respect what you offer, do not spend the time comparing because you and her are much different, you seem to value what she currently does not.

Get past the anger as mindfully as you can, someone who drags you through this repeatedly is not worth the suffering and the anger will cloud your future trust.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> @TJW It's true I was trying to see what they talked about and what was different about her.


You are making the mistake of thinking that this had anything to do with you. It didnt. This was all him being selfish. You could be the female Jesus, walking on water creating miracles, and he STILL would have had the drive to seek out other women. Get yourself away from this thinking, it is self destructive.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> @TJW It's true I was trying to see what they talked about and what was different about her.


He's the deal, from my 20 years experience with a cheater and R 4 times. 
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW EVERYTHING.
They will use the lack of info to control and manipulate you.
Do what you know is right for you.....File for D now.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*

Those who know me on here know that I never advocate divorce unless there is adultery or physical violence.

Yours is a case in which I believe you have every good right to end your marriage. That would be my advice.

I learned there was a psychobabble term for wanting to know details and attempting self-reinvention..... "pain shopping"....it only buys pain.....


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I need a man any man to please tell me why If you cheat, get caught, say you want to fix everything, why do you then not tell the entire truth?????!!!!! You say you're sorry, you look sorry but you don't want to do any of the hard work!!!!!!! You don't want to talk about your infidelity, you shift blame, you want me to bury the past????!!!


IF it was me, and I was this way to you after getting caught, again, it would simply mean I'm annoyed I got caught, I'll hide it better next time, and I'll say (but not do) anything I think you want to hear so you'll not disrupt my status quo. 

I'm sorry you chose a dud, and I'm sorry he caused you this heartache.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Cheating men*

You forgave him once so he expects you to do that again (with minimal effort on his part). If you make the mistake of forgiving him this time you can expect more episodes of this to be in your future. 

You're married to a serial cheater and they very rarely change.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I need a man any man to please tell me why If you cheat, get caught, say you want to fix everything, why do you then not tell the entire truth?????!!!!! You say you're sorry, you look sorry but you don't want to do any of the hard work!!!!!!! You don't want to talk about your infidelity, you shift blame, you want me to bury the past????!!!


Here is the simple truth most people who cheat are *******s. It takes a long time and a truly motivated person to do change that. Most won't and don't want to.

Don't waste your life with an *******.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I guess I want to know details because I feel stupid for getting cheated on twice. He betrayed me I forgave him and he did it again. So now I want to know everything.


Yep and if you stay again he will cheat a third time. Cheaters, men and women, cheat because it’s in thier character to do so. Little to do with you much more to do with them.


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## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

*Re: Cheating men*

I'll never truly trust him again.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*Re: Cheating men*

KK,

You wrote, I need a man any man to please tell me why If you cheat, get caught, say you want to fix everything, why do you then not tell the entire truth?????!!!!! You say you're sorry, you look sorry but you don't want to do any of the hard work!!!!!!! You don't want to talk about your infidelity, you shift blame, you want me to bury the past????!!! 

Because you haven't forced him to take a polygraph, write out a timeline, name names, sign a post nuptial, you haven't exposed the OW to all the world nor him.

There's a list take action, if he dosen't like it tough.

Why are men like that sometimes I think because they treat their wives like their mommies and want absolute forgiveness and acceptance. They got used to getting trophies in grammar school and high school and have a narcissistic need for approval. 

Pull his pants down, metaphorically, and make fun of his wiener in public.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

*Re: Cheating men*

The answer is easy. You want to say as little as possible because the whole truth will only make her more angry and feel worse. It is part sparing your feelings and part protecting ourselves. Would you rather hear he only had sex with her once and it was not good, or rather he had sex with her twice a day for 10 moths and the sex was much better than with you, even when it was bad? If someone asks you to be truthful and tell her if she is ugly, when she is, would you tell her the truth? 

Fact of life, people like to protect themselves and others. No man or women in their right mind is going to tell the whole truth when it will make the situation much worse than it is and crush the other person’s feelings. I cheated early on in my marriage. Told my wife the truth that I was very drunk and do not remember much of the sex we had. The truth was that she was a model in town for a photoshoot, I was not drunk and it is still the best sex I ever had in my life. So now a few decades later my wife still thinks she is the best sex partner I ever had and that I just had a drunken episode that I have never repeated again. If I told her that the sex I had with the model put her to shame as did how the model looked, how would that help?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: Cheating men*

Cheaters men and women lie, lie some more and blame shift.
I did it because of ? Any reason but themselves. The reason 
why they want to fix things and maybe work on things is because 
they do not want to lose what they have at home for nothing.
Bury the past that is called forget about it and lets move on.
Sometimes so they can cheat again. If you don;t catch them 
with enough proof they will make you feel like your crazy or 
imagining things. Cheating is only about them and what they 
want. 

If they are a serial cheater will they change 
probably not. It hurts but move on quickly.

Best revenge become 100 % better and happier 
without them. Show them what they lost and never
go back or look back.

IMO


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*



Vinnydee said:


> The truth was that she was a model in town for a photoshoot, I was not drunk and it is still the best sex I ever had in my life. So now a few decades later my wife still thinks she is the best sex partner I ever had and that I just had a drunken episode that I have never repeated again. If I told her that the sex I had with the model put her to shame as did how the model looked, how would that help?


Because everyone deserves to live their life with truth, not decades of a lie. Thats terrible.


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## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

*Re: Cheating men*

@Vinnydee and did you ever repeat the episode or did you lie about that too?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I'll never truly trust him again.


I hope that means not ever trust him at all, not even for a moment, because he's a serial cheater and he's not likely to change.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Cheating men*

The truth you will get is all the justification he used to support his cheating. Why? He needed to believe it, even if it wasn't true, so he could feel okay about it and enjoy himself.


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## Kay kay (Mar 3, 2019)

Has anyone ever forgiven a 2x cheater and been happy?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well, if you are going to reconcile with a cheater (or serial cheater) than I guess you have to forgive them to be happy. If you can't forgive them, then you both will just be miserable together. I don't have that forgiveness, but some people apparently do ( see the SI forum).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kaykay, you are going to get the same answer here that you have been getting... that your H is an unremorseful serial cheater and you should cut him loose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I need a man any man to please tell me why If you cheat, get caught, say you want to fix everything, why do you then not tell the entire truth?????!!!!! You say you're sorry, you look sorry but you don't want to do any of the hard work!!!!!!! You don't want to talk about your infidelity, you shift blame, you want me to bury the past????!!!


You post and question are profoundly unfair to men in general. You start out with the assumption that all men cheat. That might not be your intent but it comes off that way. 

Men and women cheat at about the same rate. After all, if a man cheats, usually there is a woman cheating with him. 

The fact is that cheaters, men and women who cheat, never tell the whole truth. They say that they want to fix things but don't really, at least not at first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Kay kay

I merged your two threads on this topic. You will get better responses that way.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

From your comments it seems there may be issues of wanting to reconcile, or perhaps if he opens up it turns into a fight.

I no longer considered it cheating when I stepped out over 20 years ago on my first wife because I no longer saw us having a marriage, but when I came clean, about having sex outside the supposed marriage, I came clean to give it a chance.

Just trying to help here. Please no bashing. Perhaps someday I will share my story.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Try marriage counseling. See what the counselor thinks about the situation. But keep in mind your husband will have to do a tremendous amount of work and stop rug-sweeping for this to succeed. So far that doesn't appear to be the case.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Cheating men*



Kay kay said:


> I guess I want to know details because I feel stupid for getting cheated on twice. He betrayed me *I forgave him* and he did it again. So now I want to know everything.


This is all you need to know. Why should he NOT cheat again? Nothing happened.


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