# Wife just left, looking for advise



## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

As the title says, my wife moved out over the weekend after declaring she wants a separation. I guess I'll start with the cliffs.

We married at 21 after dating since we were 16 and had two kids shortly after. Had our ups and downs and didn't properly deal with "little" things that bothered us about the other. We were terrible at communicating our feelings. I slowly became more beta as time went on. She slowly checked out. Roughly two years ago I got the ILYBINILWY speech and I became an even bigger beta looser. Sex pretty much stopped at that point. I thought I needed to try harder to make her happy. I found out about the EA 3 days before this past christmas. We started MC shortly after. I found MMSL and started running the MAP. I lost 40 lbs in the past 6 months.

Over the past few months of MC, she has given many reasons why a separation was a good idea. She kept telling me that lots of couples get separated for a while then get back together. She talked about it as it was no big deal. I was and still am against it. She told me she needed to know what it was like to be "on her own" ( I dont see how being 31 living with your parents is "being on your own", but I digress). She tells me that a part of her wants to know what its like to be single. She also says she needs the time apart to be able to miss me so she can try to love me again. She never talks divorce, but just says she's not in love with me. Its strange because we actually get along pretty good, we hardly fight and home life together seemed good. She disagrees and said that she's been living a lie. 

I reacted pretty badly when she told me she was leaving. My initial reaction was getting really pissed off ( one of the traits she doesnt like about me is my temper). I told her to pack her **** and leave, and couldnt believe she was splitting up our family without trying to fix the marriage first. In my opinion she has put zero effort into it. She disagrees and says that she has been trying.

We agreed to a schedule for having the kids, I got a new bank account and all her stuff is gone.......now what? Im really upset she is gone, I still love her dearly. I know I should try to move on and live my life, but im having a really hard time letting go. Any advise is greatly appreciated.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

She wants separation but doesn't want divorce. In other words shell be dating/screwing others but will keep you as the backup plan.

Since nothing worked so far, having her served with divorce papers at work might be her last wake up call.

In the meantime stop funding/supporting her in any way shape or form. Read the 180 list and use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

ask her if the visitation schedule can be changed around if need be because you want to find time to have sex with her friends.

And ask her if you get a goodbye screw at least, or if she will still put out to you while she is on her vacation. :lol:


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

keko said:


> In the meantime stop funding/supporting her in any way shape or form. Read the 180 list and use it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no financial support. She has a job and now has no bills. I have the kids at home more than she has them at her parents. She actually offered to give me money for the house, which I wasnt expecting.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

casemx said:


> there is no financial support. She has a job and now has no bills. I have the kids at home more than she has them at her parents. She actually offered to give me money for the house, which i wasnt expecting.


take the money, and ask for more. Get what you can


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

The other two replies are harsh, but in a sense, they are correct...prepare for the worst...

Have you talked to her about boundaries during the separation? What is acceptable, what if out of bounds???...if she doesn't want to accept boundaries, then it might be time to force the iussue and talk to a lawyer...she might already be gone...

If she does talk boundaries, then there is hope...get counseling either way for yourself, work on keeping yourself healthy and sane....move forward, be a great dad!!!

good luck anf God Bless!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

casemx said:


> There is no financial support. She has a job and now has no bills. I have the kids at home more than she has them at her parents. She actually offered to give me money for the house, which I wasnt expecting.


Perfect. Document every day you have the kids and what you do with them. This will help you get at the very least 50/50 child custody, even more if you can use her mental status to your advantage.

Consult a lawyer soon just to get an idea on your state's divorce laws, child custody/support, asset settlement, etc. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Also look into your state if it has harsher laws against adultery, if it does you might want to hire a private investigator to get some dirt on your wife. You'll use it as a leverage to go through the divorce easier.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

DjF said:


> The other two replies are harsh, but in a sense, they are correct...prepare for the worst...
> 
> Have you talked to her about boundaries during the separation? What is acceptable, what if out of bounds???...if she doesn't want to accept boundaries, then it might be time to force the iussue and talk to a lawyer...she might already be gone...
> 
> ...


We have not talked about boundaries yet. Ive been sticking with the NC since she left. I do agree they are important. Part of our problem in the past has been that she sees me a controlling or father like to her sometimes. Im not sure how to phrase the boundary question without sounding "controlling". I positive that the more "controlling" she thinks Im trying to be, the more she push away. I know, I know, wheres conrad with his 2x4's.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

You don't have to say anything to her to set YOUR boundaries.

There are no 'us' boundaries. So nothing needs to be discussed.

A simple "I'm not okay with that" = boundary set.

A simple "I do not like where this conversation is going" = boundary set.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

UpnDown is right. Set your own boundaries. She is doing what she does. Serve her with papers and don't let her cake eat.

And UpnDown---- love the Strongbad avatar!


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

upndown and that_girl, sorry if im dense but are you saying that I shouldnt talk to her about it, or just tell her what my boundaries are?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Lol, thanks TG.

Strong Bad was something I enjoyed back in its good days, before we met.. I just realized that's why I've been using those for avatars.

Also, Casemx. You will falter here and there, it will happen. The boundaries that you will try to set at times you may give in on. But you have to dust yourself off and reestablish, even if you think it makes you look like an emotional yo yo .. that's fine.

Who cares what you look like to other people, you're the one who goes to bed with the thoughts in your head, not them.

I just reread your original post .. I do not know why I didn't make the connection earlier.

The way you reacted to her leaving, the freaking out, it's exactly what I did to her.

She originally left while I was at work, 4 days later asked to come back .. ate cake for 3 weeks while making plans for her future. Found out some information, left work, came home, freaked the hell out on her and told her to leave.

Dropped her off at her parents, I was in a complete rage. Even went to the bank and took out her half of savings, tossed it on the bed.

The weeks that followed I did and felt exactly how you said. I told her she didn't do this, didn't do that and of course she denied and defended herself.

It's the only thing she has to hold onto to keep doing what she is doing.

She told me she hadn't been happy in years, although, her unhappiness backtrack magically stopped BEFORE her EAs in the past.

After the EA and until now .. 'wasn't happy'.

Amazing how they can select bits and pieces of history, rewrite it and make it there own to further there agenda.

Hang in there dude. Do what you need to do for YOU, not for her. That will get you no where.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

casemx said:


> upndown and that_girl, sorry if im dense but are you saying that I shouldnt talk to her about it, or just tell her what my boundaries are?


Dense? Nonsense, you are trying to absorb a new way of thinking. A rewiring of how you interact not with just your ex, but people in the future. It will take time. 4 months in, I'm still learning.

Think of it this way, you no longer need to explain yourself to her. At all, about anything.

If you do not like something, "I'm not okay with that." Simple, to the point. All she 'deserves' (I use the word loosely).

There's no need for "Well, you know, I just don't like it when YOU do this or YOU say that. It makes me feel 'this or that'."

It's all about who has it worse, if you really think about it. It's true.

Who has the best sob story, once they have you by the balls crying Victim, you are emotionally at there mercy.

Heart strings will be played with, it's the best way to keep you running in circles and ready to give them what they want.

My signature is a link to an article I would recommend that you read. It may take a while for it to sink in, there is also a thread based on the topic in this forum section.

It may help you discover how you two really do interact with each other, how she and you set each other up (because I bet you do it to).


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

read my older threads & learn from them, honestly it's a ride on the crazy train & only time,no contact, setting your boundaries will work regardless of reconciliation. dont beg plead promise the world, your going to suffer but it'll make you much stronger,BELIEVE ME. post & read on here as much as you can, go to counseling,maybe get on meds, good luck & we're all here for you


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

So whats the general consensus here, Should I email her and make it clear what my boundaries are? Or do I just live my life by them. I understand that I dont owe her an explanation on anything, but I sort of want to know where we stand. 

On a side note, what a crappy morning. Dropped the girls off for the first time knowing I wont be seeing them for 2 days. The oldest was really upset and doesnt understand why this is all happening. She is 8. It absolutely breaks my heart to see them this upset. Every time they cry it makes me hate my wife more and more. I hope she's happy living with mommy and daddy while our family suffers. 

I know the last sentence sounds childish, just needed to get it off my chest.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Vent away, thats what we are here for...

No emails, no phone calls explaining youself...when you do have to talk to her, answer short and sweet "Okay," or "I'm not okay with that..."

it works!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

casemx said:


> So whats the general consensus here, Should I email her and make it clear what my boundaries are? Or do I just live my life by them. I understand that I dont owe her an explanation on anything, but I sort of want to know where we stand.


Come on, think about it. Why would she follow your boundaries? She already checked out of the marriage, the sooner you see that and act accordingly the higher chance you'll have of either saving your marriage or moving on quicker.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

keko said:


> Come on, think about it. Why would she follow your boundaries? She already checked out of the marriage, the sooner you see that and act accordingly the higher chance you'll have of either saving your marriage or moving on quicker.


The reason for me wanting to state the boundaries is more on principle than anything else. I understand I cant make her follow them. My concern is that when I was pissed off after she told me she was leaving, I took my ring off and gave it back to her (which I regret doing). My fear is that by me doing that, she assumes I never want to R, which I have never said. I hate that I over react when im seeing red. I get so mad at myself when I look back at every situation I handled badly, and there are lots of them. #shortfusedbellend


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Send her one message. Tell her you love her and want her.

Make sure she knows what your boundaries are, should she want to return. Tell her that she left, so she will be the one that needs to come back. 

Let her know you are moving on with your life. No guarantee that you will be around should she decide to return.

Then go dark. Don't respond to anything personal. Just brief answers when required pertaining to kids, money, etc.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Well, I decided to send her a short email. I really needed to get it off my chest. This is what I wrote :

"A lot of things were said and done last week that might have sent the wrong message. Its important to me to make clear that I will not be seeing, dating, or screwing around through this separation. My marriage vowels are still important to me."

She replied " Ok, I understand".

Not sure if I should have sent it, but I feel better having done so. Today has been the worst day so far since she left. Off work, no kids and an empty house. A lot of tears this morning. I usually cant sit still for very long, but today I cant find the strength to do anything. I've never felt like this before.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Her response makes me think that she is either already seeing someone else, or is thinking about it.

I would of expected her to say that she would do the same (not see anyone else during the separation).

I was not expecting you to write what you wrote. 

I thought the reason you were going to write to her was to make sure she knows you still love her and care about her, but you are moving on. That if she wants you, she knows where you are.

She wanted the separation, so give it to her. Go dark. Work on yourself. You need to prepare for divorce. 

Your message pretty much told her to just go have fun and you will be a nice door mat, just waiting for her return, for her to clean her dirty shoes on (and they will be dirty). Your message was weak and unattractive.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I was going to post Conrad's 2x4 pic but your wife already gave you a good one. Now let this be a lesson for you and don't approach her in this way again. All it does is make you look even weaker in eyes.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

sadsamiam, The email was sort of a continuation to our conversations last week before she left. She knows I love her. Ive told her already that I was moving on and going to do my own thing. I just wanted her to understand that by moving on I didnt mean banging other people. I meant what I wrote, my marriage vowels are important to me as long as im married. Obviously they dont mean as much to her, but at least I will know through this that I have kept my integrity. 

I didnt want to write a long gushy email. I figured keeping it short and to the point was the best option.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

keko said:


> I was going to post Conrad's 2x4 pic but your wife already gave you a good one. Now let this be a lesson for you and don't approach her in this way again. All it does is make you look even weaker in eyes.


I dont understand how me telling her that makes me looks weak. I simply wanted to clarify my opinion.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

casemx said:


> I dont understand how me telling her that makes me looks weak. I simply wanted to clarify my opinion.


When your spouse has an EA, then leaves you, the appropriate response is not to tell them you will be waiting for them. That is weak and unattractive to most women.

The appropriate response is to tell them 'good riddance'. To show them that you have enough respect for yourself that you won't tolerate this behavior. 

You need to give her the message that you love her and you want her to come back. But that if she cheats while she is away you are done. That if she doesn't come back in a certain amount of time, that you are moving on. And she needs to know that you mean it.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> When your spouse has an EA, then leaves you, the appropriate response is not to tell them you will be waiting for them. That is weak and unattractive to most women.
> 
> The appropriate response is to tell them 'good riddance'. To show them that you have enough respect for yourself that you won't tolerate this behavior.
> 
> You need to give her the message that you love her and you want her to come back. But that if she cheats while she is away you are done. That if she doesn't come back in a certain amount of time, that you are moving on. And she needs to know that you mean it.


That's exactly how I feel. Exactly! On your opinion should I send another email?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

listen to keko & everyone giving you advise, leave her alone, give it time, work on you, remember the saying, set something free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

casemx said:


> That's exactly how I feel. Exactly! On your opinion should I send another email?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Put together something stronger and submit it for comment here.

We'll help you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

From your earlier message, it sounds like your email was a continuation of a previous discussion with her where you already said these things. She knows you are moving on. As long as she knows that her cheating is a deal breaker, then no need for anymore messages.

I say give it a few weeks. See how she handles you not contacting her anymore.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Well, this is what I feel like saying to her :

W,

I'd like to elaborate on the earlier email. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't looking for another relationship. Its only fair that we are honest with each other. I'm glad you "understand" where i'm coming from, but do you agree with it? Whether living together or not right this second, we _are_ still married. If a new relationship with another man is really what your after in this time apart, just say so and I will get the divorce going. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. We barely made it through the EA a few moths ago, and I wont do it again. 

As you well know, I do not believe separation is the answer to being happily married to each other again. You keep telling me you love me as a person and friend but just dont feel romantically connected anymore. It is impossible to put a spark back in a relationship living in different houses. It cant be done. I love you and care about you very much, but please don't think that's a permanent invitation to come home. I need to move on from this. Take care of yourself.

h

What do you think


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit e-mailing her. She's not listening. She is already in an affair or preparing to go into one.

File.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Man, yesterday sucked. It was her birthday and I guess that was a trigger for me. I've never felt so miserable for so long. Im a very active guy and I found my self unable to get off the couch. No tv, no music, just read TAM in silence and napped. Hearing all the fireworks was the worst, we always go as a family. I could only imagine my kids having a great time with their mom without me.

This coming weekend is her actual party, and her family is surprised that Im not coming. Really? I've always been really close with her family but seriously? Her mom kept texting me last night that I should come, im still part of the family and so on. I finally sort of blew up and rudely to her I wont be there because I hate my wife for what she is doing to the kids and I dont want to see her face. Probably the wrong way to handle it, but I was in no mood yesterday.

The good news is I feel a lot better today. I have the kids the next few night so im excited. I got to admit though, its really tough running the house solo. Pick up the kids, cook dinner, do dishes, baths, laundry and so on. Oh well, I wouldnt trade my time with them for the world.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

case,

I think you need to follow some of the earlier advise you received here and file for divorce.

She has already told you she doesn't love you. What would your marriage look like moving forward from this point?

Sure, you'd see the kids every day but they would know that the two of you are not happy and are not in love. that's not the type of lesson you want them to learn about marriage is it?


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## marie122 (Jul 5, 2012)

I so feel your pain and feeling of desperation. I am in the midst of a very similar situation. Its very hard when the love you have never diminished and theirs has...makes us feel like a failure. Just being here has made a difference, trying to find strength in numbers maybe. I wish for you all the healing and release in the world, Know that you are not alone and have support with those who know your suffering


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Case, 
Im going to be honest with you. It may not be what you want to hear. You can hope for the best but...Prepare for the worst. Your story is similar to mine and others here, only have to change the name. Its really sad. My result? Im waiting for my D to be final. Move on for you, dont be a back up plan for anyone. Go to a doctor, dont be ashamed to get meds and use TAM. Its a great resource, there are a lot of really good people on here!


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

W,

I'm not looking for another relationship.

Cheating is a deal breaker for me.

I understand you don't feel romantically connected, but it's difficult to regain a spark while living separately.

I'm going to counseling weekly. I'd recommend you do the same.

Take care of yourself.

h


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Hi all, just figured I'd give a little update. I've been feeling really good the past few days. I bought a copy of "divorce remedy" and read it cover to cover. It really helped reinforce all the advise Ive been getting here. 

I'm in a strange state of mind right now. Now that she's gone a little over a week, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can live again! The past year has been nothing but worrying about what might happen to my marriage. I don't think I ever realized how mentally taxing that was. Now don't get me wrong, I still love her and miss her, but I definitely don't miss the drama, sadness and general BS associated with the whole situation. I hope this feeling last.

Today is also day 1 of quitting smoking. The week after she left I was smoking over two packs a day. I had quit smoking around five years ago and started again when I found out about her EA. I don't want to do it anymore. With all the money I will save I can go out more, buy new clothes and get my classic car back on the road. That should keep me busy for a few weeks.

On the separation front, since I started to be happy and upbeat in our limited contact, she seems to want to talk to me more. Our kids call the parent they aren't staying with that night to say good night and she always asks to talk to me. I also see her on the mornings I drop the kids off at daycare (she works there) and she has been more friendly. I'm not trying to read too much into it, but its definitely a change from last week.
Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up, just making observations.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

casemx said:


> On the separation front, since I started to be happy and upbeat in our limited contact, *she seems to want to talk to me more.* Our kids call the parent they aren't staying with that night to say good night and she always asks to talk to me. I also see her on the mornings I drop the kids off at daycare (she works there) and *she has been more friendly*. I'm not trying to read too much into it, but its definitely a change from last week.
> Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up, just making observations.


You have stopped pursuing her. She's wondering what the heck is going on. 

You have given her the gift of missing you. If R is what you want, then keep it up.


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