# Just need to vent



## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

It's been a little over a year since DDay and I'm still miserable. I still think about it all the time. Pretty sure I'm becoming an alcoholic. I can't ever sleep or have fun or relax. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Sex doesn't even feel good to me anymore. I constantly think about killing myself and have visions of physically harming the guy she cheated on me with.

I know I need to walk away and just end it but I keep making excuses and saying I'm staying mostly for my kids. I don't love her anymore. I'll say "I love you too" and I die a little inside every time I do. Anytime she leaves the house (or I do) I'm worried she's going to cheat. Anytime we end up taking about it, I get so angry that I just want to end it. 

I've been secretly using a chat app to talk to other woman for about 4 or 5 months now. Even made plans to hook up with one woman not the plans fell through. I have this stupid idea that if I cheat on her that maybe I can love her again but deep inside I know I probably never will. 

I really do miss that warm love feeling I had with her and I wish it could come back. Anytime I get even close to feeling that, the past comes back to remind me that I actually hate her. Whenever she talks about the future of us, I can't even imagine being with her that long.

I don't know if I'm scared, ignorantly hopeful, or just scared what I'll become if actually become single but I just can't bring myself to actually leave her. I hate myself for it. I hate her. I hate life. I need to get help but can't get insurance at the moment. 

I'm not really looking for advice but rather a safe place to vent. I don't have any friends and I can't talk about it with my family. Thanks for listening.

P.S. sorry if this is a bit incoherent, I've been drinking.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

B&B time to make a decision are you in or are you out ?

If you want to persue R or D you must first stop with this

"I've been secretly using a chat app to talk to other woman for about 4 or 5 months now. Even made plans to hook up with one woman not the plans fell through. I have this stupid idea that if I cheat on her that maybe I can love her again but deep inside I know I probably never will." 

Clear and present detachment required.

Make a plan to exit if you intend to D

Children ?

55


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i know you don't want any advice and you don't need to take any...a couple observations if you will....the drinking is your way of coping with the pain, coping with seeing her everyday, and trying to numb the mind movies....but on some level its also creating a self seeking prophecy...because it could kill you...but let me ask you this...how do the children benefit from you dying? from you missing out on watching them grow...how do you benefit from it? sure the pain is gone but then what, what about your ability to even find happiness in yourself or someone else in the future....your wife on the other hand, benefit a great deal, because she gets the kids, the house, your life insurance policy....and she gets to bring in a person in her life. Why in the hell woudl you want to give her take, potential guilt? yeah right maybe for a month or so.....
Lets be honest you would be better off, stop drinking, working you (not your marriage...you), divorce her, (trust me the kids will be happier in the long run) and move on with your life....you are trying to level the playing field but the damage has already been done...i would tell her...that you are going to stop wearing your wedding ring, stop drinking, work on yourself and then divorce her cheating ass.just a thought


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A successful R is tough and can take years. It requires a remorseful spouse, a forgiving betrayed spouse, and a great deal of work. You need all of these things but even when you have them that doesn't mean you can R successfully. Many fail. 

Drowning your sorrows in alcohol and revenge cheating is not the path you should be on. Your children -- whatever age they are -- are observing everything that goes on whether they completely understand it or not. Keep in mind that when children grow up they tend to repeat the dynamic they grew up with. 

Is that what you really want your children to do? If it isn't, then you need to take charge of your life, starting now, and fix it. No one can do that for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Like the movie says you got to get busy living or get busy dying. Your mistake is to assume that your happiness is dependent on someone who cheats on you. Life isn't like that. You can fall in love again with someone else and it will be just as profound and wonderful. But you can't if you keep yourself trapped with someone who you don't love because you are afraid.

You are miserable because you have allowed this situation to take away your agency. You have allowed your fears to lie to you saying, I can't afford to leave, my kids won't recover, so forth and so far. These are lies. But they keep you trapped none the less.

You have agency, you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. You only get one life, take control of yours. 

Nothing good comes in life without risk. Be brave my friend.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

vent away, everything you are going thru is normal (except for harming yourself part, dont, or anyone else for that matter)....you are in the trench of PTSD, is just that simple, is a process, takes time.....but you will recover, you will be well....go see a doc , they can help with some temporary meds, not alcohol....hang in there


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I recommend IC to help you with the coping issues. Your drinking is lowering your ability to be the best man possible. Your kids need a strong level headed man to lead the family. 

It's way past time for you to embark on a new direction. 
1. Stop the drinking. It deadens you, from being present.
2. Start a vigorous exercise regiment. besides looking better, this will help boost your T levels.
3. Reconnect with male friends. Every man needs close friends he can do guys things with.
4. Start a hobby. This will provide a new source of enjoyment and help lower co-dependency on wife.
5. Learn a new skill or improve existing one that can help improve your career.
6. Take care of your appearance. (clothes, hygiene, hair, beard, etc) Liking what you see in the mirror will boost your self confidence.

Do these things and within 3 months, you will see the benefits in a better life. It will be visible to your wife, kids, friends, family, and co-workers and boss. 

You can't change your wife but by changing you, you'll force her to adapt or get left behind by the new man, who may still be bearded but won't be broken.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Been where you are and it's not a nice place to be.

Counselling both individual and as a couple are options to look at.

And remember that we are here for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are digging yourself into a hole of depression by drinking, planning revenge affairs and pretending that you are ok to here.
When you caught her cheating what steps were taken? What work did she do to clean up her mess, it sounds like you simply swept it all under the carpet, left it to fester and this is what you ended up with.

I suggest you get yourself a counselor just to talk things through with. Quite the drinking and quit the chat apps. Join a gym, take up running, whatever. Getting entangled with another woman is not going to alleviate your misery (maybe for all of a few hours).

You cannot control your wife, you cannot undo what happened but going forward you can become the best man you can be , with or without your wife. You do not have to make that decision now, you can make it when your head is clearer and you feel better about yourself.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You need a new purpose: formulating and detailing your exit plan. Write it all out. Anticipated date, split of money, new living arrangements, custody schedule. Keep a calendar and count down the days.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Just popping in to give you a big cyber hug and say...that I hope you find a resolution that will improve your happiness. A year is nothing if this was a LTR. Healing takes a lot of time, but it seems for your own mental health you need to decide to stay and move forward, or go and co-parent as best as you can. The turmoil of no final decision has to be excruciating. Sorry you are here.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I'm not really looking for advice but rather a safe place to vent. I don't have any friends and I can't talk about it with my family. Thanks for listening.


I know you said youre not looking for advice but you probably are. The solution to your problem is a lot easier to map out than to implement. You need to set a goal where you want be in 12 month and do what it takes to get there. Its like a road map Dawg. There may be a couple or three roads there, but if you don't take one, you ain't going to make it and will be stuck with what you've got so the monkey's on your back to make it happen. In that respect, where do you want to be this time next year?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why do you hate her?

My understanding is that she got the hots fot T about a year in and cheated on you. 2010 or so I think. She said one time. She kept the lie.

Then in Feb. 2015 she hooked up again and started babysitting for T. She says two more times after lying for three years.

My take on it is that she never really came clean. I don't believe the break up one-time story. I think she had that going on before she broke up, it would have been hot and heavy for her to break up with you, and I think maybe he didn't want her. Maybe he had his own baby-mama thing going on, who knows? You probably do, but anyway I think "once" there is a lie. Then the Feb. 2015, starts babysitting his kid, you thought it odd because she hardly knew him, but probably it had been hot and heavy between them before that started, and it would have ratcheted up after. Again it seems she's minimized it. She told you once her mindset, she is lying to save the marriage.

I really think you love this girl. You know you do. That's where the hate comes from. I think you are mixing up hate and anger. It's an extreme emotion, one way or the other, love and hate and anger. You've snooped her enough to know she wants you. I don't think you ever got the truth from her as to how her feelings were at that time as her cheating, both times. I think you are angry at yourself for a whole load of things including going against your own values for staying with someone who treated you that way.

I think your wife is redeemable. The actions she took, the choices, can't be undone.

Take away the cheating, would you be unhappy with her now? Do you hate her now for what she did in 2015, or in 2016, or 2017, 2018, or stuff still going on today? A lot of people cheat. Let's say you meet another woman, get serious, do you think she'd tell you the truth about any past cheating she did? Would you even ask? If you leave your wife, do you think she'll cheat on the next guy she's with?

I have no answers for you. I just think you have to get outside of yourself a little and see the forest from the trees. I think you're mired in the day-to-day.

You talk about a free pass. I'm not necessarily against it, my own feelings were to do it to hurt my wife, not because I desired sex from a hot woman. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but it's not something I would have thought about at all if not for my wife and wanting to hurt her. And even if I did that, it really would be no where near as hurting me. She deceived and lied and blindsided me. She would be knowing it happened. The only way to hurt her the same way would be to act like we're reconciled, stay with her a number of years, then out of the blue have an affair and let her find out by getting blindsided. That was too much messed up even for me. What really could hurt her and I could do it quick would be to divorce her knowing she wanted to stay with me.

But you know, about you, you had one paragraph in one post about how much you loved this nerd, gamer, beautiful eyes, etc. If you divorce, would you be cutting off your nose to spite your face, one of my own specialties from time to time?

All I'm saying is try to think it out. Even yourself out, which takes time. Whatever you are going to do today, you probably can do just as easily tomorrow. Decide to stay or decide to leave.

And a year is not a long time to work this stuff out. It's a painful experience, it's a long-time wound with a long-time healing process, whether you stay with her or not.

Do you talk with her about your feelings - up or down - about her and what she did then and how you still feel? Do you talk to anyone you know about this stuff, or only here?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Alcohol will only make your situation worse.

Your wayward may have made you a victim but you are the only one that can keep yourself there.

Get out of your self imposed limbo.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Talk it out, it's beneficial. 

Sometimes I write stuff down, and put the notes into a box. Maybe I'll reread them in 20yrs, or maybe I'll toss them in the fire instead. Who knows.

I know you know booze and strange ***** will not help the situation....at all, so I won't mention it.

Reading other threads here and watching youtube videos of men who are going through the same thing as you will help.

I hope you keep posting.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> I know you know booze and strange ***** will not help the situation....at all, so I won't mention it.


I take a little exception with the strange -----. If he would, by chance, meet the right woman and get into a relationship where she'd offer him things he's missing, he'd lose interest in his wife and wonder why he put up with her crap as long as he has. A lot of spouses do. Think about it. Didn't his cheating wife do exactly that; make him as his home a base of operation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I recommend IC to help you with the coping issues. Your drinking is lowering your ability to be the best man possible. Your kids need a strong level headed man to lead the family.
> 
> It's way past time for you to embark on a new direction.
> 1. Stop the drinking. It deadens you, from being present.
> ...


Yes I agree you should do all of this, for sure... but I will add one very important item: 

7- DIVORCE HER

Life is much to short to live like this, its ok to let her go.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> I take a little exception with the strange -----. If he would, by chance, meet the right woman and get into a relationship where she'd offer him things he's missing, he'd lose interest in his wife and wonder why he put up with her crap as long as he has. A lot of spouses do. Think about it. Didn't his cheating wife do exactly that; make him as his home a base of operation.


I get what you're saying, but I can't help believe he'd build up some bad karma cheating while still married. Better to clear the slate, then go looking for fulfillment.


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## Patata (May 10, 2017)

Sir, you're in limbo and the only one that can pull you from this is yourself. You need to find a outlet that's not related to this, something to give you a purpose so that you can leave this vicious cycle and see you have worth.

Stop drinking. Stop thinking about her. Start thinking about yourself and what you need, not what you want.


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