# I feel in my gut my Hub is having an affair with my so called BF



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

OMG, It's Christmas eve, I so look forward to Christmas, only day in 365 I feel happy. Not this year tho...smh. My so called BF's hubby walked out on her in the middle of the night just over a year ago. I have stood by her and supported her, and invited her to all our family gatherings so she isn't alone. Well...Thanks Giving came and went well, however, she got trashed, so did my husband (not uncommon with him pft) Anyway. I was worried about her walking home alone 1.5 blocks from our house..so, as the dog needed a walk anyway, I asked my hubby to make sure she got home safely. Previously, I had noticed their goodbye usual hugs had become a little bit lingering and wondered, however, put it to the back of my mind. She has been very emotional because she still loved her hubby. Being a good trusting wife and friend had no problem with my hubby making sure she got home safe. Wow, what a BIG mistake was that. It's a 10 minute walk there and back even if the dog lingered for a bit....he was gone almost an hour. Our marriage has been suffering for about 8yrs. No sex whatsoever, not even a passionate kiss, just a duck peck leaving/coming to and from work. Well, as soon as he got back from walking her home, I get the blame for him being so long, as he claimed she was so upset and questioning him about her now ex, and, what he knew, as they were friends also. Talk about deflection! I just carried on the clean up (which he had supposedly took care of) and he went to bed. Well, I had a gut feeling...so I snooped (on his computer) and seen she had called him on FBK, then send a pic which didn't come through, then a nonsensical message from her to which his answer was. "I Can Smell You Mmmmmm" Omg I was GUTTED. I challenged him on it the next day, and his only response was "where did you get that from?" as the blood drained from his face. There is more to this to come, just wanted some input because tomorrow is Christmas and I have cooked for a week to put on the day. Did ALL the present buying, all the decorations etc...So, he's been off all week. On Tuesday, he drank, then informs me he is fed up of being miserable, and if our financial situation was better we would be living apart, however, he doesn't want a divorce!!???? (guess he worried because I only work part time and I told him I would claim spousal support) guess he wants his cake and eat it. Anyway, he has now put a password on his phone, however, stupid get doesn't log out of facebook on the PC, so I can access it. I don't like doing it, however, I've lost all trust in him hence why I do. So, tonight, when I get home from work and he takes the dog out I took a look. They are so worried because of the screen shot I took and threatened both that if I found out for sure there was something going on with them I would expose that first message all over social media....So my Q is, if there is nothing going on, why are they so worried about being at my Christmas table around family tomorrow? oh and after we exchanged one gift each tonight, and he swore undying love to me...he went to bed. I seen an early message from her, and then 3 minutes after he was in bed he responded. Am a paranoid or does anyone think like I am feeling there definitely is something going on? I really need help here because I am ready to just take 100 Xanax and not wanting to wake up. Please believe me this is not a sympathy post... I just need opinions from others. BTW, I have saved screen shots of what I can in case I need them. And, with the 50 dollar gift card I got for xmas, I am going to invest in a VAD so next week when he is all alone in the house and any phone conversations or other I will know about. HELP...PLEASE. THANK YOU. I have been a member here for 3 years but never posted. Merry Christmas everyone! Wish me luck on getting through the day with a husband and so called best friend sharing my dinner table! Wish I could upload he screen shots so you would be more familiar with what I am going through. Thanks for reading. I look forward to great advice that I see here all the time. How many of you think something is going on?? Merry Christmas!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. It does sound suspicious. 

My suggestion is that you do not say anything tomorrow. The more you confront him and/or her, the more they will take it underground. You need some very solid evidence. So get evidence and then discus it here and make a plan of action before you let him know that you have anything more on them.

What is a VAD? Do you mean VAR (voice activated recorder)?

Do you two have children? If so how many and what are their ages?

What is your and your husband's ages?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi Sharplle, I agree it's too early to confront. 

I'm concerned you say intimacy hasn't been happening in the last 8 years in your marriage. Is that right? Intimacy is the glue that keeps couples bonded together. That's a long time to be starved of affection. Is he the one that has stopped intimacy, is it you, or is it both of you? I ask because it's very difficult for a relationship to survive, infidelity free, if there's such a disconnect. I'm not excusing what happened between your H and BF (and she's not your BF any longer, I hope), but they both have horrible boundaries. All it takes is the right recipe of neediness between two people with bad boundaries.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

I am 54, he is 53, we both have 2 children from previous marriages all.grown up and gone now. It was him that stopped the intimacy, initially telling me it wasn't anything to do with me, he was having (male) problems. Oh I was told on Tuesday night he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, never did have problems :-( of course I already suspected he was lying to me all along. . I won't confront them until I have positive proof. And I did mean voice acting ate recorder. I haven't let myself go btw, so don't understand what happened that made him distant from me. Thanks everyone for.responding, I am dreading the day. I am from the UK, we met online 17 yrs ago been married 16.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So, you've been reading FB messages between them.....besides the one about him still smelling her (which means there was, at LEAST, some very heavy petting going on), what else have the messages said?


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Yes I have been checking on Fbk apart from those two I already mentioned, I think any more communication is being done via text or phone. He put a password on his phone so I can't see anything. That in itself to me is suspicious. And I agree about petting or something be a use he was in bed in PJs and not the clothes he walked her home in.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yes, something nefarious is going on. And I'm sorry you are here.

My question to you is, why, after confronting your H w/the screenshot, and your BF obviously knows about it, did you invite her over to break bread with you over xmas? I wouldn't want to see her face again.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'd turn that b!tch away at the door. Dispel their notion that you are going to roll over and play dead for them. Or, you could set up a kiddy table on the back porch and put them out there for dinner. Hopefully, they'll freeze their tender bits.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Obviously there is something going on, and you already have confronted your husband by questioning him about the "I can smell you" message, so now they will become more secretive. That message in itself proves intimacy between them, and to my thinking that's an up close and personal response to physical contact, so I suspect they're well past an EA and are in a PA. 

So you know a man with erectile dysfunction can still feel sexual urges and attraction toward a woman, he may not be able to preform penile insertion but everything else is still a go. So your husbands excuse for lack of intimacy in your marriage is crap, but now you know that. My point of mentioning that is it seems he has been un happy in the marriage for some time, and it's possible your BF (should be XBF) isn't his first fling.

He doesn't feel attracted to you, he doesn't respect you or the marriage, yet he doesn't want a divorce because of the financial implications. Are you willing to stay married for the same reasons? You said you are unhappy 364 days a year, is that because of your marriage? You are young enough to have a many years of happiness to enjoy, why stay in a situation that makes you unhappy every day of the year? 

New Years resolutions for self;
1) dump scum ball husband 
2) dump skanky friend
3) be happy and enjoy my life every day


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

The reason she is coming for dinner is it was already arranged and questions will be asked. I don't want to expose them yet, I want to investigate more and have positive proof. No I don't want to live like this anymore. Also, I am only a permanent resident here have 8 yrs left on my green card. I only have a pt job and wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own. All my family is back in the UK. And she isn't my BFanymore, I am going to weather the day and observe them, if the feel uncomfortable that's their problem. My daughter does live here, sorry meant to say that, and she knows all about it. Thing is over the years I have asked him if he doesn't want to be with me then say so and I would have went home and be with my son and watch my granddaughter growing up, but he swore blind he loved does love me. I think he wants his cake and eat it. Oh I lost my teeth due to diabetes, so no one will want me now. This happened 2 yrs ago so wasn't the cause for lack of I timacy, I hope I am making sense. Thank you all for taking time out of your Christmas to answer me, you sure are keeping g me going. He said he would try marriage guidance and I have an appt booked for Monday, he doesn't know yet, will tell him this evening when everyone has left. If nothing else it will help me.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Also, he comes homes on time from work, doesn't go to bars or out except for walking the dog hence my needing more proof before I lay into them. I did confront her about that message too, of course it was denied anything happened. Very confusing, but my gut feels like concrete.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sharplle said:


> Also, he comes homes on time from work, doesn't go to bars or out except for walking the dog hence my needing more proof before I lay into them. I did confront her about that message too, of course it was denied anything happened. Very confusing, but my gut feels like concrete.


What did they say the message meant, then??


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Sharplie, you definitely have reason to be concerned, but be smart, not emotional, about it. As everyone has suggested, gather evidence, keep your cool, and when you're satisfied that you have sufficient proof for yourself, you'll know. So sorry this is breaking loose on Christmas, but when cheaters are caught or confess or midlife crisis presents itself, the holidays put enormous pressure on people who are engaged in deception or who have been detaching and disengaging from the marital relationship and looking (or believe they have found) another one, or both. Things tend to erupt around the holidays and more divorces are filed around New Years than any other time. 

Keep your wits about you and stay strong. There will be lots of support for you here.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you have false teeth? If so, you're good to go.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

She was very emotional before going home as she still loved her hubby and he walked out in the middle of the night when she was asleep. She apologized and said she was crying and hanging all over my hubby and took full responsibility , and he said similar to that. I guess it was supposedly her perfume he could still smell?! I sure wll be keeping my witts about me and am trying hard not to be emotional. Hence why I am carrying on with the day as planned to make it seem like I suspect no more. Best way I think because if they think they are fooling me then there is more chance of me getting further evidence. Also, if he Leaves work early I would get to know because my daughter works at the same place. Thing about the perfume for me comes into q because when he sent her that message he was in bed in Pjs, so it wouldn't be all over them, more so his coat, so it had to be on his skin.I am so grateful for this very supportive place. And thank you all again for your help.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Yes I do have falsee teeth, I have a lot of trouble wearing them because of sinus problems. :-(


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Check with your dentist and see if there is anything he can do about that or your doctor.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sharplle said:


> She was very emotional before going home as she still loved her hubby and he walked out in the middle of the night when she was asleep. She apologized and said she was crying and hanging all over my hubby and took full responsibility , and he said similar to that. I guess it was supposedly her perfume he could still smell?! I sure wll be keeping my witts about me and am trying hard not to be emotional. Hence why I am carrying on with the day as planned to make it seem like I suspect no more. Best way I think because if they think they are fooling me then there is more chance of me getting further evidence. Also, if he Leaves work early I would get to know because my daughter works at the same place. Thing about the perfume for me comes into q because when he sent her that message he was in bed in Pjs, so it wouldn't be all over them, more so his coat, so it had to be on his skin.I am so grateful for this very supportive place. And thank you all again for your help.



I would get her ex hubby side. I wonder if she was having affair and he found out but just does not know who. Her plan B flew the co-op an she is wanting to lock down plan A (your hubby).


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill. Takes 15 minutes to go online and see how many texts/calls they are making to one another. It'll tell you what you need to know.

If it's bad tell him you'll need his phone. Recover/download his deleted text messages. They are still in the phone.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence

Smells bad, you need reassurance.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

I don't know where her ex is, haven't seen him since he left.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

I get to see the phone bill as I am the one that schedules payment. Our bills with Verizon are not itemized anymore :-( if I request anything from them he would know because any changes made they I form him being the primary account holder. He would definitely not give me his phone because that is where (or so he thinks) I got the screen shot of their messages. It was his pc not his phone. Next day he password protected it. If I confronted him about it he would ask how I knew and he did it because I snoop ed on him. Oh also said he could prosecute me for invasion of privacy lol.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sharplle said:


> I get to see the phone bill as I am the one that schedules payment. Our bills with Verizon are not itemized anymore :-( if I request anything from them he would know because any changes made they I form him being the primary account holder. He would definitely not give me his phone because that is where (or so he thinks) I got the screen shot of their messages. It was his pc not his phone. Next day he password protected it. If I confronted him about it he would ask how I knew and he did it because I snoop ed on him. Oh also said he could prosecute me for invasion of privacy lol.


I have Verizon. I go online and view call history all the time. It's not on your paper billing. Get into your online account. It's all there.

Invasion of privacy is BULLSH!T. You're married. Red flags if he's doing this. If he backs up his phone to a PC you can do a deleted text recovery of there as well.

There is no such thing as snooping in a marriage either. If you want to figure this out quit being scared. It's your damn marriage too!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

I did go online, however, wouldn't show me his side of the bill only mine, he has a password (always has) for his Verizon account. I am trying to gather all the evidence I can without his knowledge, as this is a fairly new discovery. To ask him for his password to his Verizon would automatically tell him I'm "snooping" and he will go underground further. I am not worried about what he said about snooping prosecuting etc, he doesn't scare me with idle drunken threats, he's also not very tech savvy so he has never plugged his phone into the computer. I do have access to his facebook account and yahoo e-mail on his pc, he forgets to log out. He also has a work e-mail and a gmail account I have no access to. Does no good if he deletes stuff before I get a chance to look though. And, you are correct it is my damn marriage too. I appreciate your responses. Just wish I could get the pin for his phone. I will chat with a Verizon rep and see if I can't get full access to our account. Thanks for all your insight and comments.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sharplle said:


> I did go online, however, wouldn't show me his side of the bill only mine, he has a password (always has) for his Verizon account. I am trying to gather all the evidence I can without his knowledge, as this is a fairly new discovery. To ask him for his password to his Verizon would automatically tell him I'm "snooping" and he will go underground further. I am not worried about what he said about snooping prosecuting etc, he doesn't scare me with idle drunken threats, he's also not very tech savvy so he has never plugged his phone into the computer. I do have access to his facebook account and yahoo e-mail on his pc, he forgets to log out. He also has a work e-mail and a gmail account I have no access to. Does no good if he deletes stuff before I get a chance to look though. And, you are correct it is my damn marriage too. I appreciate your responses. Just wish I could get the pin for his phone. I will chat with a Verizon rep and see if I can't get full access to our account. Thanks for all your insight and comments.


Is the account in your name or his?

Can you get his phone after he goes to bed? If you can back it up on iTunes or iCloud then you can get the deleted texts later.

Assuming it's an iPhone


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How did it go?


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

The bill is in his name, and I can't get his phone when he goes to bed, he takes it with him. It's an android phone.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He's cheating with the neighbor - talk to a lawyer and get a divorce. There is plenty of life yet to have a boyfriend and sex. God-riddance to him. Yuck!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Christmas day? I handled it extremely well. Acted like I would normally. Funny thing they kinda avoided each other all day, and, hubby didn't drink, he said it's because he drank xmas eve, but that's never stopped him before. She quit drinking after the Thanksgiving episode that led me here. Xmas eve there was a message from her (I think I posted that) she was wondering if she was to be concerned about anything if she came for xmas. He responded when he went to bed xmas eve. I checked about ten minutes after he went upstairs. That's all the messages there have been that I am aware of. 

When she walked in I acted like I normally would, she had a present for me, and I said "Aww you didn't need to buy anything for me" she responded with, "Your my friend and I love you, I wanted to get you something" Then she stayed with me in the kitchen while I finished off the cooking. I said to her (as hubby had said this to me on Tuesday, so I was giving nothing away) "Hey why were you worried about coming over?" she looked at me a little strange, and I followed with..."Hub said he bumped into you in the dollar store and you said to him you were worried something was going to happen" She said, "I said no such thing, he totally misconstrued what I was saying to him, I'm so sorry" I said to her, "oh don't apologize, you know what he's like when he's drunk and talks" (Me and her always shared our relationship stories) 

So, if she is denying she said this, then, why the PM on FBK to him about anything to be concerned about if she came over? It's all these little things that keep me on edge here. To me it was a drunken moment of madness and they got caught and nothing more has happened. Or, they are trying their best to keep this undercover. 

I am going to act normally, keep my eyes open and mouth shut and just keep investigating. If there is something going, on my drunken ass husband will make a mistake and I will find it. Still a gut feeling and red flags for me though. 

I have a MC session booked for 2pm on Monday, hub had said he would give it ago, I will know if he means it by how the session goes. I'm really nervous about it all. 

Thanks for your support, this site really is helping me.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Rugs said:


> He's cheating with the neighbor - talk to a lawyer and get a divorce. There is plenty of life yet to have a boyfriend and sex. God-riddance to him. Yuck!


I wish it could be that easy, I love him with all my heart (not sure why anymore) And, over all those years, my self confidence has totally diminished, I have no self esteem left, and this that's going on has finished me off.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

sharplle said:


> I wish it could be that easy, I love him with all my heart (not sure why anymore) And, over all those years, my self confidence has totally diminished, I have no self esteem left, and this that's going on has finished me off.


Well, of course it will. You're living with a cheater and a non-trustworthy partner. 

Things will be a lot better for you when he is gone. It should be that simple. Take ownership of your life and future. This is not love, this is fear. Fear is the opposite of love. 

It's easy to cling to fear in the world we live in today but once you break free, you will see things more clearly. I'm sure you do harder things in the course of any given week because you have conquered the fear attached to it. 

Don't sell yourself short or indulge in a defeatist attitude as this makes you a much easier target for these blood-suckers.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill. Takes 15 minutes to go online and see how many texts/calls they are making to one another. It'll tell you what you need to know.
> 
> If it's bad tell him you'll need his phone. Recover/download his deleted text messages. They are still in the phone.
> 
> ...


marc878 I got access to our phone records online, billed until Dec 18. There have been 8 phone calls since Thanksgiving. Do you know how I can access text messages please? Thanks in advance:frown2:


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You would have to have access to her phone. If they are deleted which they probably are you'd have to do a deleted text recovery using an app. They are readily available on the internet depending what type of phone she uses. Your bill should also show you the amount of texts and to what number as well.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> You would have to have access to her phone. If they are deleted which they probably are you'd have to do a deleted text recovery using an app. They are readily available on the internet depending what type of phone she uses. Your bill should also show you the amount of texts and to what number as well.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence


She has a pay as you go phone, and besides haven't been in contact with her since Christmas, I'm afraid to for what I may do to her lol. The bill is only showing calls, unless I'm not looking in the correct place. I do appreciate you help! Thanks so much. Feeling a little sick to the stomach right now ugh.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Never mind...FOUND IT. Hmmm, no texts between them?! right up to date. And, as I can see his FBK pm's ;-) unless he deletes them straight away, then, there has been none of that either....very confusing.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he has a prepaid phone it won't be on your bill.

Commonly called burner phones.

Keep your eyes open

You could VAR his car if you feel like you could handle it. Many have success with that


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> If he has a prepaid phone it won't be on your bill.
> 
> Commonly called burner phones.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much, I will keep my eyes open and mouth shut  I don't want to approach him too soon, would hate to be wrong. I am looking into a VAR good recommendations on here. And, if that's what I have to do then so be it. Not sure there is a burner phone, however, you never know. You are a star and so helpful. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

He also could be using a messaging app that wouldn't show texts on your phone bill.


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

sharplle said:


> I wish it could be that easy, I love him with all my heart (not sure why anymore) And, over all those years, my self confidence has totally diminished, I have no self esteem left, and this that's going on has finished me off.


The American way of looking at an affair can seem to sometimes be harsh and unforgiving.

Let's say for a moment that your worst suspicions are true. Is it not possible to see it as a moment of weakness, something that has more to do with his own sense of inadequacy (and her's), something which he himself needs to overcome? And might?

I do understand that an affair does a whole lot of negative denting into our own self-image. But, when you've been in a long-term relationship or marriage, chances are that we are less (or hardly) attracted to the same sexy partner whom we couldn't wait to get into bed with some years ago.

It has absolutely nothing to do with us and failings. This is just what time does to our sexual chemistry. With most couples.

You sound like an intelligent and thoughtful person, and I wouldn't bother too much about my teeth if I were you... I agree with @Satya who makes the point that eight years without sex is too much for anyone, and more so for a man to bear. (Not that men are superior, but we've just growing used to expecting sex, specially within a marriage.) A few days of no sexual activity makes me think lustfully of most women crossing my path!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Hi, 
Yes, I can see that it could have been a moment of weakness and could understand actually, however, the no sex was not my decision. When I asked why I was told it wasn't me, he (his words) thinks and always had that I am "Hot to Trot" I myself don't like having no intimacy in our relationship and am willing. He lied though, he said he has ED, of course I knew he didn't, he wasn't fooling me whatsoever. I also have asked him numerous time if he doesn't want me or be married anymore etc, then let me go so I could go home and be with my son and granddaughter. He absolutely said that wasn't what he wanted. Turning out (as I though) He wants out, but feels guilty because of all the sacrifices I made to be with him. I am just cut to bits right now and not sure if I am even making any sense. Thanks for your input I appreciate everyone's input. Maybe it will help me decided where I go from here. Happy New Year!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Hi SecondTime, yes, I had though of that too.


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Hi OP. Sorry you are here.

Even if he isn't have a PA, he told you he isn't attracted to you anymore. Why would you want to remain with him? You deserve better.

Keep us posted.


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Just to offer another perspective (and I'm not taking up for your H, but being male myself and more of less of the same group, maybe I could see his point of view):

* What if he didn't actually lie to you saying he had ED? In my case, I've had good to great times with my partner, but after all these years am sometimes appalled to find myself attracted to some other random woman I dont even know rather than to her. Sexually, that is. Blame it on chemistry, and what time does to us all. Remember that new toy that attracted us as kids?

* It may not be guilt that holds him on. The devil we know... etc. (Joking here.) But the fact is that the partner we've known for long is sometimes more comfortable than starting all over again with someone new. And whatever makes us believe that we can just pack our bags and move on? I don't think it's that easy or that simple.

* Again, his not being attracted to you has NOTHING to do with you. Most couples in long term relationships face these issues. Some resort to diverse ways to sort them out. Having affairs is one, and often hurtful way. Divorce is seen as the solution, but considering that half of second marriages also end in divorce, there are no figures to show it works. Except for some while, as long as the newness is there.

It's hard and hurtful. But don't go along with the easy route. One day, if he's done wrong, he's going to be sorry...



sharplle said:


> Hi,
> Yes, I can see that it could have been a moment of weakness and could understand actually, however, the no sex was not my decision. When I asked why I was told it wasn't me, he (his words) thinks and always had that I am "Hot to Trot" I myself don't like having no intimacy in our relationship and am willing. He lied though, he said he has ED, of course I knew he didn't, he wasn't fooling me whatsoever. I also have asked him numerous time if he doesn't want me or be married anymore etc, then let me go so I could go home and be with my son and granddaughter. He absolutely said that wasn't what he wanted. Turning out (as I though) He wants out, but feels guilty because of all the sacrifices I made to be with him. I am just cut to bits right now and not sure if I am even making any sense. Thanks for your input I appreciate everyone's input. Maybe it will help me decided where I go from here. Happy New Year!


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> Hi OP. Sorry you are here.
> 
> Even if he isn't have a PA, he told you he isn't attracted to you anymore. Why would you want to remain with him? You deserve better.
> 
> Keep us posted.


I'm not the OP, and this is not addressed to me, yet...

... because this happens to almost all couples at one time or the other. To believe in unceasing and mutual love is one of the myths of our times.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who cares if he's sorry 'one' day? She may not be around 'one' day.

Are you suggesting that she just sit back and ride this out until he comes to his senses? Because all men lose interest in their wives after awhile? And it has nothing to do with her and nothing to do with him because it's just Mother Nature?

And shame on us for being harsh and unforgiving? You have a very nice way of telling her to just sweep it all under the rug and pat it down.


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

brownmale said:


> I'm not the OP, and this is not addressed to me, yet...
> 
> ... because this happens to almost all couples at one time or the other. To believe in unceasing and mutual love is one of the myths of our times.


I was with my xh for 13 years, and the ONLY way I would have EVER thought he was unattractive, is because of his personality. 

Looks changes, and that is the reason why when you are with someone, you should be with them for WHO they are and not what they look like. Yes, there has to be physical attraction but I 100% firmly believe that as time goes on, you become more attracted to someone because you keep falling in love with who they are. 

So, I respectfully disagree with your statement.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

brownmale said:


> I'm not the OP, and this is not addressed to me, yet...
> 
> ... because this happens to almost all couples at one time or the other. To believe in unceasing and mutual love is one of the myths of our times.


And I completely agree with that quote. Marriage is a job and has to be worked at all of the time. I can take the good and bad and handle it. I don't like being lied to and given a false sense of security, and, definitely won't be cheated on. I don't deserve that, I am a willing capable wife.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Who cares if he's sorry 'one' day? She may not be around 'one' day.
> 
> Are you suggesting that she just sit back and ride this out until he comes to his senses? Because all men lose interest in their wives after awhile? And it has nothing to do with her and nothing to do with him because it's just Mother Nature?
> 
> And shame on us for being harsh and unforgiving? You have a very nice way of telling her to just sweep it all under the rug and pat it down.


Thanks Blonielocks. 

I won't be around forever, I've already waited around long enough. I didn't nag him regarding his ED, I encouraged him to have it checked out as there may be health implications.

I am still investigating the Thanksgiving fiasco and gathering my evidence. He still swears down nothing happened. 

He finally agreed he would go to Marriage Counselling with me. I had suggested it many times over the years, however, his belief in that was "If we go there be warned we will end up divorced" hence his reasons for not wanting to go. So, we never did. 

So, as you can see it is very confusing indeed. Why if he was not attracted to me anymore and wanted out didn't he go to counselling and get what he wanted that way? 

My head is totally cabbaged with it all. I really had no idea he felt so strong about being apart, he NEVER said that before EVER. I will post more regarding counselling later. I have an awful lot at stake here, it's not an easy walk away and forget him, however, I definitely won't sweep it under the rug and just forget about it. I have to take my time and not rush things. I won't stay with a cheater though. That happened to him in his first marriage and he was devastated, and swore he would NEVER hurt me that way. Thanks for your support.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle said:


> He finally agreed he would go to Marriage Counselling with me. I had suggested it many times over the years, however, his belief in that was "If we go there be warned we will end up divorced" hence his reasons for not wanting to go. So, we never did.


Interesting statement by him. Between that and his "ED" and then him telling you that he's not attracted to you, is a strong indicator that he is harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards you. It is not unusual for men to use withholding sex as a passive aggressive way to express their anger/resentment. Or perhaps to punish their spouse.

What he is harboring may or may not come out in counseling. He might no even know what it is or how to express it. If that's the case then he has a lot of work to do on himself.


Here is a link to an interesting book on the topic. 


Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle,

Also, some of the posts on this thread are basically telling you to accept any infidelity and your husband's loss of attraction to you. Please do not take them to heart. It's just nonsense.

An interesting difference you would note if you were to read the posts in on TAM from men whose wives withhold sex, have lost interest in their husband and/or have cheated.... you will never find even one post that tells a man to accept it and suck it up. Some people still have the attitude that when a man cheats, it's not as bad as when a woman cheats. Another prevalent attitude is that if a women loses interest in sex with her husband, it's the wife's fault. If a man loses sexual interest in his wife, it's the wife's fault. For people who think like this, it is always the wife at fault. Don't buy into that. I don't think you do, but I wanted to give you some support for this because I know how much being rejected and cheated on can destroy a person's sense of self and self worth.

.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> sharplle,
> 
> Also, some of the posts on this thread are basically telling you to accept any infidelity and your husband's loss of attraction to you. Please do not take them to heart. It's just nonsense.
> 
> ...


Thanks EleGirl,

Yeah I did notice about (sucking it up) I haven't really even proven he has actually done anything yet, so, I don't want to jump all over him and her if I'm in the wrong. 

There was definitely some kind of contact (explained by both when challenged she was hanging all over him crying about her ex) I have the phone records now and texts too, so, when the time is right I will produce them. As I have been advised don't open up too soon they will go underground even more. 

Also, yes he does have anger issues and has a passive aggressive personality, very negative all the time. Also is obsessive compulsive. I've learned to live with these things albeit no easy. In a marriage you take the good with the bad right. 

I may have avoided an affair before it started, and, when confronted with this, that's when the angry comments about being miserable and not attracted to me anymore were spoken (he had been drinking too) and he's a nasty drunk. He was a cocaine addict before I me him. Yep I knew all about it. When we were getting to know one another online, he told me all, we were soul mates. 

I do believe what you are saying about harboring anger and resentment toward me, that is another very long story involving "our children" his and mine, we don't have any together. That is where I feel a lot of our problems started. I will save that post for another time. 

Getting back to his addiction....I don't think he fully quit the coke, and drugs do change someone's personality. My suspicion is...I didn't know the real him until I came to live here and we got married. Then he couldn't openly do the drugs as I would have known, that showed me something different in him. He's (without drink or drugs) quiet a shy quiet guy. Didn't have much confidence (I do and always have) and helped him come out of his shell to a degree. Wondering weather I created a monster lol. I have to laugh to alleviate the insecurity I have going on right now. 

Anyway, he turned to drink. I drink. I used to have drinks on a Friday night only. He was never a big drinker either. Well, with kids issues (being his btw) the drinking got more often, and is now out of control. Drinking when happy, drinking when miserable etc. I though that may have had something to do with his ED (which he didn't have) that was divulged in our first counselling session. His reasoning for not telling me was "He didn't want to hurt me" He went with a 3 page list of good and bad things about us, however, first meeting was mainly about the counsellor getting to know a little about us. 

The other thing that was mentioned was he thinks I treat him like a 12 year old. Never knew that either. I am a leader and a problem solver so maybe without even knowing I might have done this, however, he takes no responsibility in the relationship. I take care of the home, including DIY painting, wallpapering, cleaning and finances. He doesn't like to do any of those things. He mows the lawn takes the dog out and snow ploughs when needed. Other than that nothing. He does now do his own laundry because after 5yrs, he told me he didn't like how I folded his underwear and socks....so, I told him to do his own and I do mine. 

An example here: him "hey hon" I'm getting my hair cut is there enough in the bank?" me, "am not sure haven't checked it in a few days, go online and see what bills have been paid and what are scheduled" Nope he won't do it?!! I don't like being in charge of the finances, however, he won't do it and someone has to. Makes me feel like a mother telling him when he can have money and can't. Also, he co signed a loan for his loser nephew knowing full well he would get screwed over. Well he did and there were threatening letters coming from the loan company and they were going to garnish his wages....He threw the mail in the bin and ignored phone calls from them. So, I ended up negotiating with them so we weren't left broke. 

Anyway, I will stop here, sorry for the long post everyone, and as always value all input. 

Btw one last thing...at the end of our fist counselling session, she asked our schedules and then asked me to come back on my own this coming Monday, then both of us on Friday. When we got home and I asked what he thought of her etc. his answer was, "Oh I see you got asked in first, looks like she's going to side with you" smh, I told him that's not the reason, maybe I'm the one causing the problems and she wants to see me first. She seen all of his list I didn't, however he did say she could share it with me, so who knows why I was asked to come in first. Plus his work schedule said any day except Monday. Thanks again for all the support on here, I don't know how I would cope with no one to sound off to seeing as my so called BF is no longer, don't trust her as far as I can spit.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Interesting statement by him. Between that and his "ED" and then him telling you that he's not attracted to you, is a strong indicator that he is harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards you. It is not unusual for men to use withholding sex as a passive aggressive way to express their anger/resentment. Or perhaps to punish their spouse.
> 
> What he is harboring may or may not come out in counseling. He might no even know what it is or how to express it. If that's the case then he has a lot of work to do on himself.
> 
> ...


 @EleGirl, thanks for the book link I have just started reading it.


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Men 'cheat' all the time, and have been doing it over centuries; I think women should be given the leeway to experience the same too. (And, it's not all fun.)

If women withhold sex, that should not be grounds for divorce-at-the-drop-of-a-hat. I think the man (or whoever is the sexually deprived HD partner here) should make efforts to get it. Without being too 'gentlemanly' or squeamish about his/her need for it and willingness to get it.




EleGirl said:


> sharplle,
> 
> Also, some of the posts on this thread are basically telling you to accept any infidelity and your husband's loss of attraction to you. Please do not take them to heart. It's just nonsense.
> 
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brownmale said:


> Men 'cheat' all the time, and have been doing it over centuries; I think women should be given the leeway to experience the same too. (And, it's not all fun.)
> 
> If women withhold sex, that should not be grounds for divorce-at-the-drop-of-a-hat. I think the man (or whoever is the sexually deprived HD partner here) should make efforts to get it. Without being too 'gentlemanly' or squeamish about his/her need for it and willingness to get it.


And do keep in mind that men withhold sex every bit as much as women do. This is not a one way phenomenon... as much as popular culture would like to make us think so.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a question for you. Your first post, you said this:


> OMG, It's Christmas eve, I so look forward to Christmas, only day in 365 I feel happy.


Later, you mention taking 100 Xanax. I assume that means you HAVE 100 Xanax pills.

So I'd like to hear your take on what your marriage looks like. From an outsider's perspective.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Hi. No I don't have 100 xanax, I have a script well monitored by my GP because of anxiety. I was exaggerating about 100 I guess because of how I felt that moment in time. I love my children way too much to ever put them through my selfishness. What can I tell you about my marriage that I haven't posted? I would be willing to share ANYTHING. In fact would be more than relieved and helped personally to let it all out. And, hope my pro lems will help others. Counselling is happening as of last Monday, however, 1hr sessions seem slow and go fast when u just need to talk for 24 plus hrs straight. Thanks for your interest


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My main question is you said Christmas is the only day you're ever happy. How does that translate into life for you?

Life WITH you?


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> My main question is you said Christmas is the only day you're ever happy. How does that translate into life for you?
> 
> Life WITH you?


Basically, the only day of the year I feel "almost completely happy" Would be happier if I had my son and granddaughter here, however, I make the best of a bad situation. Life sucks right now and has done for years, however, I am not a quitter, and I don't feel it is me that has the problems (although do accept "some" of the blame over the years). We live in a tiny town with no prospects own a home underwater so can't move. No relationship etc etc. If people would like to ask questions of me, it would be easier to do that than explain because right now my brain if fried, and, I don't even know where I am going to be or how I am going to cope with what is happening right now. Just had a personal session with counsellor, and, feel like I may be finally able to sleep tonight for the first time in over a month. Sigh, it's so complicated. Maybe I should begin my OP from the beginning and go from there. So, confused I can't even think straight. I thank you for your interest and will happily respond to anything asked if I am able to express it properly. Sometimes questions don't have an exact answer (expression wise) that is. x


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, direct questions.

Are you on antidepressants? If so, are you taking them as prescribed? If not, why not?

Are you having at least monthly sex with your husband?

What kind of exercise do you participate in?

How many female friends do you have? How many times a month do you see any of these friends?

Do you work? Do you enjoy it?

If you don't work, what do you fill your days with?

Is your husband abusive or controlling or angry?


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

sharplle said:


> @EleGirl, thanks for the book link I have just started reading it.


I read the book, and, certainly found out and understood quite a few things about myself to my surprise. It gave me a lot of insight into us both. Thanks again, highly recommended if anyone else is interested.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> You are an extremely overtrusting, even naive person, sharplle.
> 
> Several times, as I read your OP, I thought "oh, hon", or "no, no, sweetie"; that type of thing.
> 
> ...


 @intheory, you are actually making a lot of good and valid points, and, I'm tending to agree with your explanation. The other thought you gave me there is: He never actually said he wasn't attracted to me until after I questioned his message etc, it was like a bolt out of the blue. In staying in touch with her it was a case of (keep your enemies closer) sort of thing until I could discover more. Thanks for your input, making me think a lot.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ok, direct questions.
> 
> Are you on antidepressants? If so, are you taking them as prescribed? If not, why not?
> 
> ...


I turnura. 
No I am not on anti depressents. 
There is NO sex whatsoever
I don't exercise due to health conditions I walk a little as much as possible.
I have no friends, the one I had I feel has betrayed me with my husband, again, I don't have positive proof of this yet, but my gut tells me something different. 
I work in a church office there is only me and the boss who is never really here. 
Hubby isn't physically abusive and never has been he has anger issues and is very passive. 
I hope that helps. 
I enjoy hobbies, reading, knitting DIY and movies. I love living in our home and taking care of it. I get my happiness watching others. Guess I'm a sad pathetic person eh?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're a person who needs to change up her life and get out of the rut you are in. Go to your doctor and get antidepressants. Start walking MORE. look for someone to walk WITH you. Join some of the organizations at the church and start being with people. Start looking for people you want to try to be friends with, and make overtures to them (that was advice from my therapist). Start going to a therapist and get advice to deal with your husband's anger and passive aggressiveness. And figure out with your therapist WHY you are not having sex with your husband - if you want to stay married, you will HAVE to address this. It's no surprise he went for sex with someone else if you're (I assume) unwilling to have sex with him. If it's he who won't have sex, get to the bottom of it; it's usually a pretty bad reason for a man to give up sex.

Of course if you just want to divorce him, that last one is a moot point.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

It was he who stopped the sex proclaiming ED. I don't want a divorce and, it's hard coming from another country living in a small clicky (sp?) to make new friends. I haven't let myself go either. We are attending therapy to work on things. Thanks for your input.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great points. Something I told my DD25, who had trouble picking Users for friends, was to go into the next college semester meeting new people, but NOT doing anything for them. Don't offer to give them rides, don't loan money, don't do their homework, don't share stuff. The people who stick around WANT to be your friends, and the Users will wander off to look for other Givers to suck dry.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> This is a point that is "problematic", (maybe too strong a word), for me.
> 
> If @sharplle, or anyone who is co-dependent "wants to be friends with" someone else; they have to be very careful.
> 
> ...


 @intheory, do you know me? lol. You have me and my personality nailed to a T. People here were I work (members) that is are not very nice people at all, talk about back stabbers in whiners.....don't want to be involved with any of them. 

I have my daughter here with me in the USA, she is wonderful support, and I have cousins and a sister who know about this and we chat a lot and that helps too. 

Counselling: One session together (mainly getting to know us) He had a list of things to give her...He assumed it would be a questionnaire and was going to check mark them with "see attached" lol. I went on my own on Monday. I just let go, felt so sorry for the therapist lol. Hey it's my money and I'm getting my $'s worth. We have a joint session on Friday. I gave her a list 3 times as thick as what he gave her. So, she has a lot to work with. 

I told her he said he thought she was already on my side, 1. because she was a woman and 2. because she asked me to come back on my own first?!! smh. 

I am grateful for all advice, and am investigating all my options and keeping evidence I have to myself for now.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

I agree turnera! Thanks.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

@intheory, I like your way of thi king, and yes I do find myself always apologizing even when I have done nothing wrong. Always stepping up or offering even if I don't really want to. As for people at the church, that is definitely a no go for me. I just though it was a British woman thing saying 'sorry' all the time that is. Well I am getting my ducks in order expecting the D outcome to be honest. It's like living with a stranger anymore. I don't care if it's not what he wants, TOUGH. I have a right to be happy, and wasn't the one who checked out.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

sharplle said:


> I don't care if it's not what he wants, TOUGH. I have a right to be happy, and wasn't the one who checked out.


There you go. Get Angry. Time to look out for #1, YOU.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

DayOne said:


> There you go. Get Angry. Time to look out for #1, YOU.


Oh I am now DayOne, I was driving to work this morning, other drivers must have thought I was a nut job, I was arguing out loud to myself lol. I'm doing the 180 right now, only in reverse, you see after a while of him not being a proper husband anymore, I decided I wasn't going to be his lackey. I already made him do his own laundry. Well I used to make him breakfast and lunch to take with him then a hot meal every evening. Cleaned the house thoroughly once a week etc. I stopped a lot of that and just did the essentials like cleaning the sink/toilet etc and making my "own" meals (not that I really eat). I also gave him space by going upstairs to watch "my" shows so he was on his own from 7p.m. until bedtime. Now though, I'm sitting downstairs reading on my kindle and not leaving until 10:30ish, that I know is bugging him so bad and tbh I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I've also made him his breakfast, lunch and dinner this week....(don't worry it won't be lasting), I'm as we call it in Liverpool "working the head" on him. He doesn't know weather he is coming or going!! 

We shall see if it has any effect if he comes to our joint counselling session tomorrow afternoon. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. Mainly because when I had a one-on-one on Monday I had told the counsellor that if there was an affair that would be a total deal breaker....her response was "with anyone" wtf does that mean? does she already know something that I don't? 

Anyway, I've looked into going back to the UK, it's not really an option. I have a friend and her husband who moved here from UK for eight years. They went back last year so got some good information from her. She basically warned me off not to make that mistake, they are regretting it now. 

Her sister-in-law got divorced here a few years ago, she said her lawyer was fantastic, so I had her sent me the details of said lawyer. Depending on what happens tomorrow, I may just be making an appointment. 

Thanks for the support one and all! I read each and every post.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

sharplle said:


> Oh I am now DayOne, *I was driving to work this morning, other drivers must have thought I was a nut job, I was arguing out loud to myself lol. I'm doing the 180 right now, only in reverse, you see after a while of him not being a proper husband anymore, I decided I wasn't going to be his lackey.* I already made him do his own laundry. Well I used to make him breakfast and lunch to take with him then a hot meal every evening. Cleaned the house thoroughly once a week etc. I stopped a lot of that and just did the essentials like cleaning the sink/toilet etc and making my "own" meals (not that I really eat). I also gave him space by going upstairs to watch "my" shows so he was on his own from 7p.m. until bedtime. Now though, I'm sitting downstairs reading on my kindle and not leaving until 10:30ish, that I know is bugging him so bad and tbh I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I've also made him his breakfast, lunch and dinner this week....(don't worry it won't be lasting), I'm as we call it in Liverpool "working the head" on him. He doesn't know weather he is coming or going!!


If you hadn't mentioned being a Liverbird, I'd have thought it was my lady writing that! Pretty sure she had the same conversation with herself last year!  




> We shall see if it has any effect if he comes to our joint counselling session tomorrow afternoon. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. Mainly because when I had a one-on-one on Monday I had told the counsellor that if there was an affair that would be a total deal breaker....her response was "with anyone" wtf does that mean? does she already know something that I don't?


Perhaps she means you might consider an affair with a random stranger less of a deal breaker than with say, your cousin or Sister (or Mum! It happens)



> Anyway, I've looked into going back to the UK, it's not really an option. I have a friend and her husband who moved here from UK for eight years. They went back last year so got some good information from her. She basically warned me off not to make that mistake, they are regretting it now.
> 
> Her sister-in-law got divorced here a few years ago, she said her lawyer was fantastic, so I had her sent me the details of said lawyer. Depending on what happens tomorrow, I may just be making an appointment.
> 
> Thanks for the support one and all! I read each and every post.


It's not so bad here. Swings and roundabouts. I was raised here, then lived in Southern California for 12 years, before moving back here in '02. Admittedly I'm "Darn Sarf" where the economy is slightly better. 

But, if you've got a decent lifestyle wherever you are, then put that homesickness to one side. It will make you make rash decisions.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

DayOne said:


> If you hadn't mentioned being a Liverbird, I'd have thought it was my lady writing that! Pretty sure she had the same conversation with herself last year!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 [email protected] Liverbird DayOne, didn't think anyone would know that word :-D Nah, I'm not interested in an affair, I took my vows seriously and meant them. I want my hubby but not at the cost of the indignity of him messing around. Truth will out. Don't really want to return to UK, although I do have my son and granddaughter and dad, brothers and sister etc too. Need away from this small hick town though, no prospects to improve here, but, we have a house underwater and a second mortgage, so financially we are screwed. Sigh...too much going on in my head at once. One day at a time......:grin2:


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

oh lol, I misread that bit about cousin, sister or mother.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

sharplle said:


> [email protected] Liverbird DayOne, didn't think anyone would know that word


I'm old enough to remember the show. :grin2:


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Update on my reverse 180. Hmmm, this morning before leaving for work H came in and said 'what's with the breakfast and lunches'? I just said 'I am just being nice, does there have to be an ulterior motive'? He said 'no, just not used to it is all' hahaha. ;-) hey when he was being a real husband I did it all the time but stopped after being rejected for so long. He hasn't mentioned about our appointment this afternoon and neither have i. I will just text him later and ask if he's meeting me at home or at her office. We shall see. I feel so sick inside right now, I am dreading the appointment wondering what I am going to find out. Just had to get this out.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> Good luck!


Thanks turnera:thumbup:


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Ok DESPERATE HELP NEEDED. Hub did come to counseling tonight, which, I was happy about. Turned into a history session about family siblings upbringing etc. Which I fully understand. She is trying to build a picture of our different upbringings which makes us who we are today. Anyway....Booked us in a week today for a joint appointment. I though have already e-mailed her for a separate appointment. (please excuse any grammar or spelling) I am totally trashed writing this....

So, hub bought it up for a one on one talk, wow, was gob smacked he wanted to talk??? confused but happy. So...here we go...and...Here is where I need help to sort my head out! Talk about confusing!!! phewwwwww smfh I am so totally lost and confused or my head is being worked!!!

So, here goes....He loves me with all is heart and will never kick me to the curb? However, hasn't found me sexually attractive since some silly retaliation crap I said over ten years ago. Ok I understand that, and willingly own up to it one hundred percent. however, he's done much worse and said more to me that would make any woman walk away besides being sex starved. 

Well Affair wise....he explained all the calls and texts I showed him, and, I am tending believe him, (somewhat) and my so called friend told him not to contact her anymore because she values her and my friendship too much. She also instructed him on how he should treat me. i.e. hold my hand take me to a movie, hug me kiss me if nothing else. Not sure about this, still kinda sus to me. 

Anyway here is the killer. He Loves me with all his heart and soul. Does not want a divorce or split or me to move back to England. He wants us to still be married "man and wife, but, without any sexual contact whatsoever, and he's happy with his hand and will never cheat on me?!!!!!!! smfh. What am I supposed to do with this? HELP.....I need that glue physical contact and love, but I love him too. I asked if we could just write each other a letter and spill it all to one another then bury it and try again...he said. Nope, he will never ever ever find me sexually attractive again, however, thinks I am a beautiful sexy hot woman, only not for him?????? HELP HELP HELP....... I am sat here sobbing not knowing which way to turn or what to do. Am I supposed to just accept it and carry on as room mates? Do I even factor into his "selfishness" which IMO is what it is....ohhh

Sorry I am so distressed right now I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and imagine I was dreaming all this. Oh and this was not a fight surprisingly even after we had drank together. It really was meant. 

I deep down inside feel it's over and done...and I have to start getting mad and ready to move on because...this is about him and his feelings and wants or lack of, and his guilt. so if I stay he don't feel guilty and I be the "mother" which he accuses me of....smh sorry I am rambling now. Will finish there. Please Please help me......Thanks in advance. Soooooo Sadddd right now. x


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He's lying.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> Sorry your feeling so bad right now, sharplle :|
> 
> What did you say to him years ago, that is so unforgiveable, that it must mean the end of your sexual relationship? If you can't repeat it, I understand. I only ask, because it must be awful, for him to come up with such an idea and response to it.
> 
> ...


He called me a C**t *****, and walked off....all because he was touching me, and it was not nice, and I moved his hand to where it felt better for me...he said I was treating him like he was a virgin and didn't know how to please a woman. smh I though you were supposed to guide your partner to what you wanted and like? That was all I said


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> He's lying.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Help? about it all or just the supposed nothing happened between them? Thanks. 
So lost, down, confused and totally an absolute wreck right now!


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

So sorry I don't mean to be a burden on anyone right now (oh, I'm doing it again, the "sorry" thing) can't help it. I just need someone to talk to right now. I have no one here except my daughter who is fast asleep at almost 3am and really don't want to burden her too much with my problems. My sister is now in Australia, a day ahead, and the rest of my family are just waking up. So, have no one to talk to :-( hence my post here because TAM are all I have to keep me sane.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle said:


> He called me a C**t *****, and walked off....all because he was touching me, and it was not nice, and I moved his hand to where it felt better for me...he said I was treating him like he was a virgin and didn't know how to please a woman. smh I though you were supposed to guide your partner to what you wanted and like? That was all I said


Is this the first time that he told you that this event was a catastrophic even in your marriage?

He is using this as an excuse. He is angry at you for who knows what... more than that one thing. And this entire thing is a passive aggressive way to hurt you.

The best thing you could do right now is to get into counseling for yourself and let him know that you are leaving him. Why? Because I don't think he wants to lose you. He just wants to punish you. So if you threaten to leave, you have the best chance of getting him to finally deal with the issues.

Here is a book that might help you.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

btw


EleGirl said:


> Is this the first time that he told you that this event was a catastrophic even in your marriage?
> 
> He is using this as an excuse. He is angry at you for who knows what... more than that one thing. And this entire thing is a passive aggressive way to hurt you.
> 
> ...


Yes Elegirl it is first I know of this...I also think he is using this as an excuse because I left my home, family and friends to come to the USA, he's also saying he doesn't want to divorce me because I would be left without health insurance and he would never do that to me (have diabetes and Coronary Artery Disease which he thinks is a "crock" in his words) ffs he seen the heart cath scan showing it but doesn't believe it to this day. Anyway. If I am correct, even if we get divorced and my job doesn't offer benefits is he not still obliged to cover me? he thinks not? Thanks.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> So, making sure I've got this straight: 10 years ago, you guided his hand to where it felt better for you to get off and he called you a c.nt at that time for doing that?
> 
> And, now at the present day, he refuses to ever have sex again with you, because of that incident 10 years ago?
> 
> That doesn't make any sense whatsoever.


He didn't use the C word at that exact time, but during an argument is when it came up. But yes, that is his reasoning for cutting me off, and now expects me to stay in a marriage with him without any kind of affection, and, he is happy to just use his hand?....Nah, I'm not buying it, not after that FBK PM he sent to my so called friend.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle said:


> btw
> Yes Elegirl it is first I know of this...I also think he is using this as an excuse because I left my home, family and friends to come to the USA, he's also saying he doesn't want to divorce me because I would be left without health insurance and he would never do that to me (have diabetes and Coronary Artery Disease which he thinks is a "crock" in his words) ffs he seen the heart cath scan showing it but doesn't believe it to this day.


His refusal to acknowledge your medial condition is just more of his antics. It's one more thing to give you a hard time about. I guess that's his little game???



sharplle said:


> Anyway. If I am correct, even if we get divorced and my job doesn't offer benefits is he not still obliged to cover me? he thinks not? Thanks.


During the divorce you can ask that he continue to keep you on his insurance. After the divorce, you cannot be on his insurance. You can either continue his insurance through a COBRA plan for some period of time or you can get your own on the health insurance marketplace. The cost depends on your income.

If your income is lower than his, you can also ask for interim spousal support during the divorce. I do not recall if you have children under 18 at home. But if you do you would most likely also get child support during and after the divorce.

After the divorce, might get spousal support depending on your state, the length of your marriage and the difference in your incomes.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> If you went back to England; wouldn't you qualify for the national health coverage?
> 
> Health coverage isn't really a great reason to stay married to someone who doesn't want to have a physical relationship anymore. I mean, it's understandable; but not very desirable.
> 
> ...


Hi again, I already read the book you lined last weekend, and, found a lot of things that related to me too surprisingly enough. 

There is nothing stopping me going back to England, and, yes, I will absolutely get 100% Health without cost. I am a permanent resident in the USA aka Green Card Holder...I never renounced my British Citizenship...albeit he wanted me to. So glad I didn't. I just think, he wants to sew his oats and when it don't work out he can come running back to the woman who finally gave him a stable life "ME" and, I am not willing to hang around and be second best. Problem is...I have my daughter here with me, and had no choice but to come. She was 13 at the time and now 29. She tells me not to worry about leaving her, but I do :-( I more or less forced her here for me to be with "HIM" and now....I'm on the verge of leaving and a mental breakdown, how can I handle this.....I am in so much turmoil right now I just can't cope!!

WTH did I do wrong. I've been a really good wife, loving caring nurturing. I wash, shop, cook, clean, Iron, Paint, Wallpaper, Garden and take care of the finances because he has no interest in RESPONSIBILITY...No wonder his life was in the s**tter when I met him. smfh in dismay


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

{{{{{sharplle}}}}}

This just sucks... to put it bluntly. If you truly did something wrong, he would not be digging up 10 year old nonsense as his excuse for treating you this way.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

*!affair with my so called BF*



EleGirl said:


> {{{{{sharplle}}}}}
> 
> This just sucks... to put it bluntly. If you truly did something wrong, he would not be digging up 10 year old nonsense as his excuse for treating you this way.


sobbing so bad right now EleGirl, you are absolutely correct. There is nothing I can do anymore that I haven't already done...I have nothing left to give. Like I said, I have tried to book an extra personal session for "ME" with our counsellor because "I" need it. I want to tell her what's going on and see what she has to say! This really is total BS and I am at my wits end. I just can't stop crying I don't know what it is I did wrong?!:frown2:


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

*Re: !affair with my so called BF*



sharplle said:


> sobbing so bad right now EleGirl, you are absolutely correct. There is nothing I can do anymore that I haven't already done...I have nothing left to give. Like I said, I have tried to book an extra personal session for "ME" with our counsellor because "I" need it. I want to tell her what's going on and see what she has to say! This really is total BS and I am at my wits end. I just can't stop crying I don't know what it is I did wrong?!:frown2:


only good thing that has come of this is I have lost 10lb in weight, needed it. Today for counselling I did my self up like I was the dogs bollocks lol. Even wore my teeth. I looked great and felt very sexy and confident. whoa that didn't last long after what he said to me....I've totally lost it whilst he is sleeping his drunk arse off and will deny it all tomorrow as usual. I'm on the couch btw. Won't sleep with him when he's trashed! Ugh, no thanks!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: !affair with my so called BF*



sharplle said:


> sobbing so bad right now EleGirl, you are absolutely correct. There is nothing I can do anymore that I haven't already done...I have nothing left to give. Like I said, I have tried to book an extra personal session for "ME" with our counsellor because "I" need it. I want to tell her what's going on and see what she has to say! This really is total BS and I am at my wits end. I just can't stop crying I don't know what it is I did wrong?!:frown2:


I'm not sure that you did anything wrong.

This is on him. He is experiencing some emotions but either does not have the words to express it or does not want to tell you what it is. So he's now fabricating things.

You cannot fix something if he will not tell you what needs to be fixed.

Often destabilizing a relationship is the best way to force an issue. By that I mean, telling him that you do not accept his nonsense and are doing to divorce him unless he puts effort into fixing the marriage so that they two of you can have a good relationship. 

But if you do that, you need to be willing to follow through if he is not willing.

Your other alternative is to just consider him to be in a state of basically being a mental case and stick around to see if he ever wakes up to reality. But I doubt that he ever will.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

You are correct EleGirl, he's playing mind games with me. I may just pack my cases tomorrow. Thing is, I don't even think he will try to stop me. I've threatened this before a few times and he didn't seem bothered. Now it's down to the wire make or break, and he's protecting himself. Well if I leave the house then I have no claim in Ohio its abandonment, I've been told by umpteen people DO NOT MOVE OUT! Hence why I stay. I built this shell of a house into a beautiful home. Already gave one up for him...why should I do it again?? He's the main cause of this crap and he needs to pay. 

Huh, he blames it all on the fact that because we met online we didn't have a chance to date properly...WTF, we had the chance when I moved here. Let's go for a romantic meal, yeah right....shovel the food down whilst watching tv in the restaurant. Done, let's goooo! Erm that imo is NOT a romantic night out. 

I love Buddy Holly, and, Broadway is coming to a town near us later this month. 80 dollars a ticket, and he's like erm NOPE not paying it, yet I've bough numerous tickets for his heavy metal concerts so him and a friend could go coz I hate that kind of music. I was hoping it was just a detour coz he was going to surprise me with tickets, but, on talking tonight, NOPE, that wasn't even on the cards. Fook it, I will buy 2 and take my daughter. I deserve it F##k him! Now there is selfishness at it's finest don't you think?? It's always about what he wants. Never anything for me.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> Your daughter has lived here 16 years. She could stay here; or go back. After 16 years she probably identifies as American.
> 
> But she remembers England pretty well too, and if you went back together; you'd support one another.
> 
> ...


I totally get where you are coming from on your post, and, asked him if that is the reason for all this...he said NO! I just don't get it???


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU ALL AT TAM FOR BEING HERE FOR ME AT MY MOST LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE. I though I already did that when I had to leave my there (at his request) and dragging my daughter to a new life. SMFH, some life! I think I will just go to the lawyer recommended on Monday and start the D proceedings. I don't need to file right away, however, I need to start planning ahead. I can't be putting up with this punishment for something I have not done. He has serious problems going on, and, as long as we go to M
C I hope she will tell him this...He really needs therapy of some sort. I feel so bad for him because once I'm gone he will die a very lonely old man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle said:


> You are correct EleGirl, he's playing mind games with me. I may just pack my cases tomorrow. Thing is, I don't even think he will try to stop me. I've threatened this before a few times and he didn't seem bothered. Now it's down to the wire make or break, and he's protecting himself. Well if I leave the house then I have no claim in Ohio its abandonment, I've been told by umpteen people DO NOT MOVE OUT! Hence why I stay. I built this shell of a house into a beautiful home. Already gave one up for him...why should I do it again?? He's the main cause of this crap and he needs to pay.
> 
> Huh, he blames it all on the fact that because we met online we didn't have a chance to date properly...WTF, we had the chance when I moved here. Let's go for a romantic meal, yeah right....shovel the food down whilst watching tv in the restaurant. Done, let's goooo! Erm that imo is NOT a romantic night out.
> 
> I love Buddy Holly, and, Broadway is coming to a town near us later this month. 80 dollars a ticket, and he's like erm NOPE not paying it, yet I've bough numerous tickets for his heavy metal concerts so him and a friend could go coz I hate that kind of music. I was hoping it was just a detour coz he was going to surprise me with tickets, but, on talking tonight, NOPE, that wasn't even on the cards. Fook it, I will buy 2 and take my daughter. I deserve it F##k him! Now there is selfishness at it's finest don't you think?? It's always about what he wants. Never anything for me.


So I looked up “Ohio divorce abandonment”

“*Abandonment as a Divorce Ground*

Ohio’s statutes call abandonment a “willful absence.” To qualify as grounds for divorce, your spouse must leave you against your wishes. If you agree to separate for a while, it’s not abandonment. He must also remain away continuously for at least a year. If he [or shleaves for six months, returns for a month, then leaves again, the calendar begins all over again. You can’t add his [her] second absence to his first absence to reach the twelve-month mark.”

Ohio Divorce and Abandonment Laws | LegalZoom: Legal Info

So you can leave right now if you want. But I suggest that you wait until next week. And over the weekend, use your time to research divorce in Ohio. Then see a lawyer next week to file for divorce. And ask your lawyer what to do about moving out.

If you need to, move out of the master bedroom or ask him to move to a different bedroom.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

*Re: !affair with my so called BF*



EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure that you did anything wrong.
> 
> This is on him. He is experiencing some emotions but either does not have the words to express it or does not want to tell you what it is. So he's now fabricating things.
> 
> ...


Wow, fantastic advise. THANK YOU! sigh, ok I'm going to give that a shot! Thanks hun xxx


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: !affair with my so called BF*



sharplle said:


> Wow, fantastic advise. THANK YOU! sigh, ok I'm going to give that a shot! Thanks hun xxx


You are going to be ok. It might not seem like it right now, but you are.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So I looked up “Ohio divorce abandonment”
> 
> “*Abandonment as a Divorce Ground*
> 
> ...


Aww thank you so very much!!! from the bottom of my heart. You are a wonderful friend if you don't mind me calling you that. I have none right now. I will take your advice and move on it ASAP. I just can't deal with this anymore it's not right or fair to "ME" I have to stop thinking of everyone else and put me first for once. Hugs....


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

*Re: !affair with my so called BF*



EleGirl said:


> You are going to be ok. It might not seem like it right now, but you are.


Well it certainly can't be any worse than what I am going through right now eh?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharplle said:


> Aww thank you so very much!!! from the bottom of my heart. You are a wonderful friend if you don't mind me calling you that. I have none right now. I will take your advice and move on it ASAP. I just can't deal with this anymore it's not right or fair to "ME" I have to stop thinking of everyone else and put me first for once. Hugs....


Sure you can call me friend. I think that you can all a lot of us posting on your thread that. The internet is a strange place. But we do find fiends on here  That's what we are all here for... to help each other.

You have every reason to not be willing to deal with this. And yes, you do need to take care of yourself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sharplle said:


> He called me a C**t *****, and walked off....all because he was touching me, and it was not nice, and I moved his hand to where it felt better for me...he said I was treating him like he was a virgin and didn't know how to please a woman. smh I thought you were supposed to guide your partner to what you wanted and like? That was all I said


Wait. So you tried to show him what felt good, HE got mad, and called you the C word, and HE is upset?

You should have left him the minute he called you that word. That is hatred for women, using that word.

He never loved you. He used you. You were convenient. He's 'willing' to let you stay and continue to take care of him.

You deserve better. Move on.



> he's also saying he doesn't want to divorce me because I would be left without health insurance and he would never do that to me (have diabetes and Coronary Artery Disease which he thinks is a "crock" in his words) ffs he seen the heart cath scan showing it but doesn't believe it to this day.


More proof that he doesn't love you. There's no affection there. No concern. He says he wants you to have health insurance because (1) he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and (2) he wants you to stick around and be his mommy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sharplle, why don't you have any friends?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

sharplle said:


> Help? about it all or just the supposed nothing happened between them? Thanks.
> So lost, down, confused and totally an absolute wreck right now!


There is more to his story. I don't know if it involves your best friend or not, but I smell a rat.

Not only that, but 10 freaking years after something you said? 

Not buying it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Something you said 10 years ago? What utter rubbish, you H is lying and is guilt tripping and trying to be the nice guy about the health insurance. Your gut feelings about him and her may not be wrong or he is preparing for the single life, no man decides to do that unless he has some one else in mind. Get a lawyer and pull the rug from under him, if he is not bothered then it is time to move on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sharplle, why don't you have any friends?


She had at least one good friend, who the reason for this thread. I guess she does not trust that friend anymore. Probably for good reasons.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While we are on the topic of friends, Sharplle, a big part of taking care of yourself is building a strong social/support system. 

You work, right? Could you cultivate some friends at work?

One way to start building your social circle and support system is to start getting out in the world. For example, you could go to the site www.metup.com and find things that interest you. Go to them and meet people.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sharplle said:


> Hi again, I already read the book you lined last weekend, and, found a lot of things that related to me too surprisingly enough.
> 
> There is nothing stopping me going back to England, and, yes, I will absolutely get 100% Health without cost. I am a permanent resident in the USA aka Green Card Holder...I never renounced my British Citizenship...albeit he wanted me to. So glad I didn't. I just think, he wants to sew his oats and when it don't work out he can come running back to the woman who finally gave him a stable life "ME" and, I am not willing to hang around and be second best. Problem is...I have my daughter here with me, and had no choice but to come. She was 13 at the time and now 29. She tells me not to worry about leaving her, but I do :-( I more or less forced her here for me to be with "HIM" and now....I'm on the verge of leaving and a mental breakdown, how can I handle this.....I am in so much turmoil right now I just can't cope!!
> 
> WTH did I do wrong. I've been a really good wife, loving caring nurturing. I wash, shop, cook, clean, Iron, Paint, Wallpaper, Garden and take care of the finances because he has no interest in RESPONSIBILITY...No wonder his life was in the s**tter when I met him. smfh in dismay


Come home. You'll be fine so long as you leave your husband in the USA! 

BTW, what type are you, re diabetes? I am Type 2! :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> While we are on the topic of friends, Sharplle, a big part of taking care of yourself is building a strong social/support system.


That's why I asked. My therapist's #1 homework for me was to reclaim old friends or make new ones. She said I NEEDED to be around other women. And she was right. I can't believe the difference it's made just to have other females to go out to eat with once in a while.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> During the divorce you can ask that he continue to keep you on his insurance. *After the divorce, you cannot be on his insurance.* You can either continue his insurance through a COBRA plan for some period of time or you can get your own on the health insurance marketplace. The cost depends on your income.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Bolded above is so very* NOT* true. An ex can continue on the ex-spouse's insurance, the ex-spouse just have to pay for it. Much more common than you think. The divorce settlement words it along the lines of the ex-spouse continues to provide health insurance for a certainly length of time or until one or both dies. I have it, it is written into my divorce settlement (which I wrote). The judge noted that most people don't do this, which is usually the fault of the attorney.
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IamSomebody said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > During the divorce you can ask that he continue to keep you on his insurance. *After the divorce, you cannot be on his insurance.* You can either continue his insurance through a COBRA plan for some period of time or you can get your own on the health insurance marketplace. The cost depends on your income.
> ...


Are you on your ex's health plan through his company? Or are you now on it through a Cobra or separate plan?

Most employer provided plans do not allow a spouse to remain on the company plan after the divorce. The reason for this is that the company plan is usually set up for the company to pay a portion of the insurance.

I know people whose spouse continued on the COBRA plan... it went from $100 a month to $500 a month. 

And of course a divorce can have a provision in it that says that one spouse continues to pay the other spouse's insurance.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> So, making sure I've got this straight: 10 years ago, you guided his hand to where it felt better for you to get off and he called you a c.nt at that time for doing that?
> 
> And, now at the present day, he refuses to ever have sex again with you, because of that incident 10 years ago?
> 
> That doesn't make any sense whatsoever.


No it makes no sense whatsoever. He has something more deep seated that I'm hoping will come out in counselling. He admitted to his "anger" and "OCD" to the therapist on Friday which did surprise me. I wish he would just bloody well say it so I can figure it out in my mind. It's driving me crazy.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> Sharplle, why don't you have any friends?


I had one good one, don't trust her anymore. As for making friends at work, I work alone in a church office, only other person I see is the pastor and that's maybe and hour or two a week. I've been burned many times over the years with friends, therefore, I choose not to get very close with anyone. I am happy with my own company and keep myself occupied with things I like to do. I see my daughter a few times a week for coffee and dinner. He has no friends either, never has, he's not the sociable kind unless he's drunk.


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

LOL, yep that would be easy wouldn't it? I have type 2 diabetes, still not easy to deal with is it?


----------



## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

Sorry for late responses everyone and thank you.

I took the day off completely yesterday to do some soul searching and deep thinking. There is something seriously going on in that head of his and he is a very stubborn man. I'm figuring like a lot of you said, he is making excuses up which aren't his real reason. For me this is feeling like his ultimate "punishing me because it's something I want" He has the power so to speak, that is his game here. I think this will all come out in counselling. I have taken all of your advice into consideration and I am thinking everything through. I'm not mentally ready yet to make any life changing decisions for myself. I need some time to figure all this out. 

As for the health insurance I'm not staying with him for that reason whatsoever, that doesn't factor in for me, there will be alternate ways to get it, so, that's the last thing on my mind. 

He's messing with my head and enjoying it. As I have said, I am a strong independent woman, always have been, and he acts like a little kid and is very immature, it's a trait in his whole family. I'm thinking from what I am reading from you all he is calling my bluff and thinks I'm so much in love with him I won't go, and, if I do he can play the I was Mr. nice guy and promised this/that/the other to ease his guilt. 

His first marriage ended because she cheated on him numerous times. He was devastated. I don't think he every gave me a proper chance. He thinks if we had dated first (remember we met online) that it would have made things different. Well, I asked him what would we have done dating that we couldn't have done when we got married. He didn't drink back then. He said, meals, movies and stuff like that. WTF?? we can do that now. 

His kids have caused an awful lot of trouble between us right from the start. He doesn't talk to his daughter, and his son was on Heroin and now methadone and has never worked a day in his life. He is constantly bumming money from us. His son is the same age as my daughter who has had her problems with pain medication, and now recovered. She has worked since 14 and put herself through college and he feels embarrassed by that, not that I did anything to rub it in or anything like that. He totally resents it though. This is something I have no control over. I just support him over it all and console him too. 

I spent last week doing the reverse 180 and he said to me on Friday, "something is weird" and, he doesn't want me to do it anymore? Ok, that suits me fine. This relationship is so complicated and has a lot of issues to sort through, which is why I feel it has bought us to this stage in our marriage. 

I'm taking a step back at being the strong one from now on. I am passing the finances to him and he can deal with it, if it gets screwed up, oh well. I will carry on with the counselling though, I need to at least hear (hopefully) what is going on in that screwed up head of his. 99% of our rows are usually when drinking has occurred, we never row otherwise, disagreements yes, but no rows and horrible name calling. 

Sorry didn't mean to write a book. Just wanted to update everyone where I am up to and add a bit more information. Thank you all again for your invaluable input, I take each and everyone of your posts seriously and think about them all. 

Will check in later dear friends, I value you all.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your therapist will tell you to do the 180 no matter what, for YOUR safety and well-being. He can then either get off his ass and learn to be an ok person, or be left in the dust. Either way, YOU are ok.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You seem to be in a better place right now. It's good to take a few days to think it all through. Time will tell where this is going.


----------

