# Am I missing something?



## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

I am the ideal father and family man. If I am not working providing for my family, I am spending time with them. Problem I am facing is my wife of 20 years recently had an EA with a coworker. Her reason is that we started to drift apart mainly due to my obligations with my teenage daughters, which is where all my free time was devoted to. Is is not that I ignored her, still told her I loved her, complimented her, flowers on occasion for no special reason, cards etc. Our intamacy has been strained mainly do to my exhaustion at the end of long days. I understand I may have hurt my wife by not providing as a husband over the past couple years due to my many commitments with them. However, I do not understand her way of thinking and why she chose to have an A. She told me that we were drifting apart but I chose not to believe her and said we will soon have more time to spend together as our daughters soon will not need us as much. 
My life is my wife and family and am having a very difficult time with this whirlwind I am living in. 
Can anyone comment or past experiences? Have I been a bad husband to deserve this? I just don't understand it all!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did this period of time last? 

During this time how many hours week did you spend doing one-on-one, date like things with you wife, just the two of you... things like talking (not about your children, finances, etc), going for walks together, going to dinner (watching TV and movies do not count).


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

This is why people say to put your spouse before your children. Its nice that your an attentive father but its very important to be an attentive husband as well. Do you compliment in passing or do you go up to her, stroke her face and tell her how beautiful she is? 

Dont get me wrong... I do feel she was very wrong for making the choice to have an affair and she needs to own up to that instead of trying to blameshift it all on you. Of course she may feel like the "on occasion" and the compliments seem like they are nothing but crumbs for her to lick up. 

In other words, she may not feel like you really mean what you say and are just going through the motions out of obligation instead of doing it because you really want to. Does this make sense? Sorry im a bit tired and rambling. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long did this period of time last?
> 
> During this time how many hours week did you spend doing one-on-one, date like things with you wife, just the two of you... things like talking (not about your children, finances, etc), going for walks together, going to dinner (watching TV and movies do not count).


Well it started with the birth of our children. We both agreed my wife would stay home and raise the children until hey were both in school. Alone time was easier to come by when they were small but we didn't get out much. As they grew I became more involved with their activities as a coach etc and a majority of my time was with them. We had alone time but not as much. Homework, running to and from activities etc, I would sit for hours at a time tickling my wife she loves that! Still the fast paced life got the best of me and I got caught up in it. Many nights she told me she would go tuck our youngest in bed and come to our room to find me fast asleep. I love my wife more than life. 
We were not alone much due to our children. We do spend much more time together now approx 15 per but I am afraid it may be too late.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Gaia said:


> This is why people say to put your spouse before your children. Its nice that your an attentive father but its very important to be an attentive husband as well. Do you compliment in passing or do you go up to her, stroke her face and tell her how beautiful she is?
> 
> Dont get me wrong... I do feel she was very wrong for making the choice to have an affair and she needs to own up to that instead of trying to blameshift it all on you. Of course she may feel like the "on occasion" and the compliments seem like they are nothing but crumbs for her to lick up.
> 
> ...


I fully understand what you are saying. I do realize that I neglected our marriage and failed to be a great husband and a great father. I did give her compliments, buy her special gifts, and sincerely tell her I loved her. I am a very affectionate person and always held hands, rubbed shoulders and back etc even in public. I hope I am not too late, but I do not like the person she has turned into. I pray everyday we will be one again. I love her more than life!
My mind was always in 10 other places at once and is another area in which I am working on to improve.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Does she seem at all remorseful for what she did? Did she tell you exactly what she felt she needed from you? Have either of you considered MC? I apologize if it seems like I am bombarding you with questions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No-one deserves to be cheated on... sorry your going through this. 

SHE made that choice. Don't allow her to blame shift. No matter what you did or didn't do...YOU didn't cause her affair.

I think what you describe above is common... a common cause of the slow death of a marriage. 

You can't put a spouse/marriage on the back burner for years on end and expect a good relationship at the end of it all.

Love and your connection die without regular feeding and nurturing.

We all need to prioritize at times in our marriages... know you fully and painfully understand why.

But still don't take any blame for her A... that for HER to own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are your daughters into that required you to make them a priority over your wife? From what you have said you chose to make your relationship with your wife a lower priority than your children. 

Then when your wife tried to get you to pay attention to a deteriorating marriage your response as that "we will soon have more time to spend together as our daughters soon will not need us as much.” Flowers, cards and an occasional “you’re pretty” mean nothing when her husband puts her on a back burner. So you pretty much told her that she was not very important to you. And now you are surprised that she believed you? Really? She was has not been your priority all these years, your children have been. She has no reason to believe that you will ever make her your priority.

Love in marriage is like a garden. It needs constant tending. How long do you think the garden will thrive if you told it to wait a few years… then you will have time to water it? 

Why did she choose to have an affair? Probably because it filled a void. What she did is wrong. But it’s not unusual. 

Since you did not take her seriously when she tried to tell you what she needed, she should have left you before starting another relationship.

Do you want to recover your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> I fully understand what you are saying. I do realize that I neglected our marriage and failed to be a great husband and a great father. I did give her compliments, buy her special gifts, and sincerely tell her I loved her. I am a very affectionate person and always held hands, rubbed shoulders and back etc even in public. I hope I am not too late, but I do not like the person she has turned into. I pray everyday we will be one again. I love her more than life!


I too hope that you are not too late. Your marriage can be saved the two of you work on this together.

Is she now telling you what she needs? Did she end all contact with the OM (other man)?

How did you find out about the EA? How long did it go on?

Have you read the books “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”… all by Dr. Harley? I think that they could really help you and your wife.



scoot162 said:


> My mind was always in 10 other places at once and is another area in which I am working on to improve.


Hm… mind in 10 places at once. Obsessing on your daughters. Do you have ADD? 

By the way, sometimes the point of an affair is to get the spouse's attention. Could that be what she did?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Spouse before children EVERYTIME!! Like others have said you don't deserve to be cheated on......as far as why? There is no easy answer! 

Good luck!!


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long did this period of time last?
> 
> During this time how many hours week did you spend doing one-on-one, date like things with you wife, just the two of you... things like talking (not about your children, finances, etc), going for walks together, going to dinner (watching TV and movies do not count).


Not enough, that iss how I got to this point. I failed to make time and so did she. I put my children first and now it is too late. I don't know if I will get her love back.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Gaia said:


> This is why people say to put your spouse before your children. Its nice that your an attentive father but its very important to be an attentive husband as well. Do you compliment in passing or do you go up to her, stroke her face and tell her how beautiful she is?
> 
> Dont get me wrong... I do feel she was very wrong for making the choice to have an affair and she needs to own up to that instead of trying to blameshift it all on you. Of course she may feel like the "on occasion" and the compliments seem like they are nothing but crumbs for her to lick up.
> 
> ...



I do feel she was left behind and I put other interests before her. I did tell her how pretty she was, sat for hours sometimes just rubbing her. However, I know I blew it big time and if I was more attentive to her needs, I would not be where I am today. I can understand how she must feel, I just dont understand how she can throw it all away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> I do feel she was left behind and I put other interests before her. I did tell her how pretty she was, sat for hours sometimes just rubbing her. However, I know I blew it big time and if I was more attentive to her needs, I would not be where I am today. I can understand how she must feel, I just dont understand how she can throw it all away.


She most likely thinks that you threw it (your relationsihp with her) away a long time ago.

You need to find a way to see her side of this... I mean to not just understand it intelectually but to actually feel it in your gut.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Does she seem at all remorseful for what she did? Did she tell you exactly what she felt she needed from you? Have either of you considered MC? I apologize if it seems like I am bombarding you with questions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I truly believe she is sorry for what she has done and is trying to come back to me. She needed more time and affection. We have gone to MC but doesn't seem to help much.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I too hope that you are not too late. Your marriage can be saved the two of you work on this together.
> 
> Is she now telling you what she needs? Did she end all contact with the OM (other man)?
> 
> ...


Well she got my attention that is for sure. I failed to provide the time to sustain a healthy marriage. After the time spent with our daughters, too many times there was little left in a day for just us. She tried to tell me but I chose to ignore the signs of the unhealthy marriage. 
The a lasted about 4 months and I found out through phone and text records and then found her phone.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Well, while there is no acceptable excuse for an affair, you have to reallize that your kids will be grown up and on their own some day. Your wife, if you put enough into your marraige, will be with you for the rest of your life. Im just saying this because kids are a product of you and your wife, without her you wouldnt have your kids, in my opinion a man should always put his wife before anything and anyone. However, there is no excuse for an affair, that could have been avoided, I think people who cheat make up these excuses to fit the situation and justify what they have done. I dont think you did anything wrong, a man should care for and attend to his family, maybe just prioritize things a little different.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

roostr said:


> Well, while there is no acceptable excuse for an affair, you have to reallize that your kids will be grown up and on their own some day. Your wife, if you put enough into your marraige, will be with you for the rest of your life. Im just saying this because kids are a product of you and your wife, without her you wouldnt have your kids, in my opinion a man should always put his wife before anything and anyone. However, there is no excuse for an affair, that could have been avoided, I think people who cheat make up these excuses to fit the situation and justify what they have done. I dont think you did anything wrong, a man should care for and attend to his family, maybe just prioritize things a little different.


I agree with you 100%. I did put the children first over our marriage. It was always about the family for me and considered them when making plans. Maybe I was addicted to my children, I dont know. I admit I failed here, just praying it is not too late to reconcile. I may never get over the A, it has hurt me so deep.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> I agree with you 100%. I did put the children first over our marriage. It was always about the family for me and considered them when making plans. Maybe I was addicted to my children, I dont know. I admit I failed here, just praying it is not too late to reconcile. I may never get over the A, it has hurt me so deep.


In this rush to point out all your failings (and for a guy that got cheated on, they came pretty dang quickly), don't lose the fact that your wife has a whole lot that she needs to do as well. What ever your faults, cheating was not the answer. She needs to address and own her poor choice. Based on your posts, I believe there is a real danger of you taking all the blame and letting her ignore her bad decisions. Her sweeping her behavior under the rug will just cause you to trip over it later.

Check out the coping with infidelity form for some ideas on how to avoid this, as well as steps to rebuild if that is what you want.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's still in contact with the other man, isn't she. She works with him. Spends many more waking hours with him than you. Hasn't ended contact? He's new and exciting. You don't stand a chance against that. Not a chance. Is she even remorseful? I get the impression she's not, and she's putting it all on you. And you're buying it.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

You are a great Dad but you can only be seen as a great husband if you can be more of the man your wife is attracted to. You have to compromise. Give some hours to industry and be seen to make a buck. It's not about money, its about the hunter - gatherer, proviser image.
If you are not prepared to compromise then your wife is going to have the urge to look eslewhere for certain things. Dont do this to yourself any longer. You dont need to gain or give more hours in any day. Just rejig them so everyopne is happy and then ultimately you ill be happy too. Dont try to change her or others. Look to yourself. I am not saying you o anything wrong. You dont have to do anything wrong to become unattractive. Try a moderate change in your own life. If it works then alls good. If it doesnt then you can look to others to amend their behaviour.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Scoot

Nine years ago I was where you are now. My wife was having at least an EA and I was blaming myself. 

While I agree you need to evaluate your part in decline of the relationship you are not responsible for how she chose to respond to your actions. She could have chosen to respond differently. You taking blame for her choosing to have an affair is like an abused woman taking the blame for her husband hitting her.

If I could go back in time the one thing I wish I would have done differently was not handing over my testicles in an effort to fix the marriage. A marriage is a relationship of two people both of whom have to be committed to its success. You've acknowledged your short comings and committed to trying to do better. She too has to admit to the part she played and also commit to doing better. Having a fall back position waiting in the wings is not 100% commitment. If she hasn't already she has to eliminate this other guy from her life and focus 100% on working with you to rekindle your love for one another.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Scoot
> 
> Nine years ago I was where you are now. My wife was having at least an EA and I was blaming myself.
> 
> ...


As with you, my wife also had an EA. I have committed to her 110% doing and thinking everything imaginable to provide for her. I was always a very affectionate man and when my affection went elsewhere (to my children) I feel she felt very left out and I was too stubborn to see this or listen to her crys for help. 

I do not feel she is trying 100 percent to bing committed to this marriage. We have been together for 25 married for 20 and this is the first real issue we had in this time. Never fought, had disagreements but always resolved them together.

Over the past couple years we started to drift, I would be that stress with my job and when I got home went right to practice with my daughters sports activities. I cautiously believe her when she says she does not have contact with the other man. I have been lied to and deceived so I still am very gun shy.

She says she cares for me but doesnt feel that in love feeling like she did before. She says she doesnt want to hurt me but I think it is a little to late for that. I am wondering if she is waiting for me to file for D. I cant believe she is thinking correctly in all that she is willing to give up. Family, Home, Security, and a wonderful future together.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> As with you, my wife also had an EA. I have committed to her 110% doing and thinking everything imaginable to provide for her. I was always a very affectionate man and when my affection went elsewhere (to my children) I feel she felt very left out and I was too stubborn to see this or listen to her crys for help.
> 
> I do not feel she is trying 100 percent to bing committed to this marriage. We have been together for 25 married for 20 and this is the first real issue we had in this time. Never fought, had disagreements but always resolved them together.
> 
> ...


How long ago was the EA? Who was it with and for how long? Is she still in contact with him?

Is she willing to go to counseling?


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> She says she cares for me but doesnt feel that in love feeling like she did before...


Ah, the "I love you but not in love with you line".
My guess is she's into this other dude. Time to start snooping buddy. Sorry.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> She says she cares for me but doesnt feel that in love feeling like she did before. She says she doesnt want to hurt me but I think it is a little to late for that. I am wondering if she is waiting for me to file for D. I cant believe she is thinking correctly in all that she is willing to give up. Family, Home, Security, and a wonderful future together.


I can't speak to your situation I can only relate mine. In my case my wife at the time was way ahead of me in the process of detaching from the relationship. While I spent several months essentially grovelling to win her back she had already gone through the various stages and was already done. Who can say what role the EA had in that...i.e. cause or effect. At the end of the day, from my point of view, the end result was the same. 

There's nothing wrong with sitting down with her and having an honest heart to heart regarding where you both want to go from here. If the marriage has any hope of surviving both of you have to be 100% in. If not, I'm sorry but you should start working on your exit strategy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are the daughters?

Have you ever read a romance novel? You may want to pick one up. It will give you an idea of what a typical woman is really looking for in a relationship; ie, a strong man who takes her breath away from time to time but still is responsible. 

You need to start finding ways to bond again, doing things like jigsaw puzzles or walks, but you also need to sweep her off her feet from time to time.

One time my husband picked me up from work, and had a bag packed. He had scheduled an evening of massages at this place that gave both of us massages and then left us alone in the place with a fireplace, fruit, wine, a hot tub, hammock...you get the idea.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree with the posters who said have a complete heart to heart talk with her to find out if she really wants to reconcile. A child-centric marriage leads to so many marital problems. 

Assuming you both want to reconcile, I think you need to find out how she feels loved. You mentioned flowers, tickling her, rubbing her feet...that might not be how she wants love expressed to her or maybe it is. Ask her what you've done in the past that made her feel loved. None of those things you listed (flowers, foot rubs) would do it for me. I'm more of a words of affirmation person. Some people are more Acts of Service people. They feel loved when someone does things for them. Others are more Quality Time or Physical Touch. Read the _Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It explains the concepts well. You can Google it too to get a quick idea.


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## evol (Dec 5, 2012)

My guess is she's wrapped up with this other guys because it's new, the feeling of falling for someone again, and he's probably really wowing her. I'm not sure if you could gain her back or would want to. I just wanted to say it's not because you were a bad husband or man, you just have to understand the way the female mind works. Women want to be wanted. Constantly. They want to feel beautiful, special, loved. If they are missing that from their husband, and have talked about it and nothing is getting fixed, an affair can easily happen. And not even purposefully. It is definitely not the right answer, and a big mistake on her part, but I just wanted to provide a woman's point of view.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

evol said:


> My guess is she's wrapped up with this other guys because it's new, the feeling of falling for someone again, and he's probably really wowing her. I'm not sure if you could gain her back or would want to. I just wanted to say it's not because you were a bad husband or man, you just have to understand the way the female mind works. Women want to be wanted. Constantly. They want to feel beautiful, special, loved. If they are missing that from their husband, and have talked about it and nothing is getting fixed, an affair can easily happen. And not even purposefully. It is definitely not the right answer, and a big mistake on her part, but I just wanted to provide a woman's point of view.


I already know I have failed as a husband and do realize now what I have unintentionally done by focusing most of my time on my children. I love her more than life and over the years always have told her how much I love her. 

I was always too quick to buy her something special if she saw something she liked. We joked about how I couldnt wait to give it to her. Limo rides to concerts, flowers for no reason, special cards or notes saying intimate things, candle lit dinners. I have done many things in the past, wondering what she is looking for and how I went so terribly wrong. 

She is in a different state of mind right now and it seems that there is nothing I can do to change it. She has cut ties with the other guy as far as I know. 

Thank you for your input as I want the women point of view since it is difficult for me understanding all of this.


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## evol (Dec 5, 2012)

It is possible she will come around. I know someone in a very similar situation who did come back around and realized the amazing husband she had. You are a good man for still trying to make it work and realizing the reason for some of the issues. Do you think you could happily move past all this with her? Or in a few months would it catch up to you? Just continue to talk to her, show her you're willing, anything is possible. It would really help if she has cut ties, hard telling if that's true though.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't know how you can think she has no further contact with the OM if she still works at the same place. I think there may be some wishfull thinking or denial at play here. But I get that it would be hard to call her on it since you've been less than perfect too. Frankly I'd be shocked if she wasn't keeping him close as plan B.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

evol said:


> It is possible she will come around. I know someone in a very similar situation who did come back around and realized the amazing husband she had. You are a good man for still trying to make it work and realizing the reason for some of the issues. Do you think you could happily move past all this with her? Or in a few months would it catch up to you? Just continue to talk to her, show her you're willing, anything is possible. It would really help if she has cut ties, hard telling if that's true though.


Well, I truely hope that she realizes the amazing husband she has and does come back to me. I am a good man and have worked so very hard to provide a happy healthy home for my family. I know I can be happy with her because I still love her very much and enjoy our time spent together. I will continue to talk but it is very hard to get through to her. She is seeing this situation one sided and I seem to be the bad guy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Too bad so sad. 

She just LOST your trust, through HER actions.

Your marriage can survive her anger. Can't survive a 'special friend.'

This is your boundary and if she doesn't like it, she knows the way out. THAT leads to respecting you and admiring you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Time to read it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> I already know I have failed as a husband


Don't play the role of a martyr. You haven't failed as a husband. Maybe you didn't do things perfectly. If she was unhappy with your conduct at any point she had an obligation to work with you on solving that...not working with someone outside the marriage.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Don't play the role of a martyr. You haven't failed as a husband. Maybe you didn't do things perfectly. If she was unhappy with your conduct at any point she had an obligation to work with you on solving that...not working with someone outside the marriage.


I was not a good listener. I focused on my job and the needs of our daughters. I am not saying I am totally at fault but could have been more attentive to her needs. Life needs and stress have a lot to do with my oversight.

I want to be a better man.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Time to read it.


I have not. I still want to have a relationship and be married to my wife. Should I be reading this? Will it help our situation?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most definitely, on both accounts.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> I have not. I still want to have a relationship and be married to my wife. Should I be reading this? Will it help our situation?


Maybe, maybe not. It's often pushed on this boards by some people who think it's the answer to so many marital problems (obviously I disagree). I think you're better off reading His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages for now. If you want to be a better man start with two books.

My two cents...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

A man works long hours to feed , clothe ,shelter and protect his family.
A man spends extra time with his daughters, giving them fatherly attention.
That man's wife was unfaithful to him and HE needs to do more to win her back?

Something is cruel and inhumane with that type of logic....

Every adult is responsible for THEIR own ACTIONS.
She's blame shifting.
She MUST first answer, and take full responsibility for her infidelity.

She didn't have an affair because you neglected her. He had that affair in spite of the fact that you were doing everything to keep your family happy and comfortable.
She could have chosen to work it out with you, instead she chose to fall in lust with someone else who did absolutely nothing for her family.
It was a selfish choice .


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Maybe, maybe not. It's often pushed on this boards by some people who think it's the answer to so many marital problems (obviously I disagree). I think you're better off reading His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages for now. If you want to be a better man start with two books.
> 
> My two cents...


My wife enjoys reading, would these be good for her to read as well? I am assuming they would be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> My wife enjoys reading, would these be good for her to read as well? I am assuming they would be.


Those books would be excellent for both you and your wife to read. It's a good idea to read and work on the "Love Busters" book at the same time as "His Needs, Her Needs". The two books go hand-in-hand.

These two books are my Dr. Harely. One of the major goals of the books is to affair proof the marriage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> I was not a good listener. I focused on my job and the needs of our daughters. I am not saying I am totally at fault but could have been more attentive to her needs. Life needs and stress have a lot to do with my oversight.
> 
> I want to be a better man.


Scoot,
The short answer to your original question of " Am I missing something?" is , 
Yes, you are missing something.
Here's some reading you may want to do before going any further.

1]http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21492-stickies-common-themes-coping-infidelity.html

2]http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180

You can copy and paste them on to your browser and have a look.


It would be good if you first understand exactly what you are facing before you can attempt to fix it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> I was not a good listener. I focused on my job and the needs of our daughters. I am not saying I am totally at fault but could have been more attentive to her needs. Life needs and stress have a lot to do with my oversight.
> 
> I want to be a better man.


That's admirable. We should all be aspiring to improve ourselves every day. 

Whatever your faults it doesn't give her the right turn to someone else. She has an moral obligation to wind things up with you before going elsewhere.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

scoot162 said:


> My wife enjoys reading, would these be good for her to read as well? I am assuming they would be.


I think it is great that you are working on yourself. It sounds like you need to.

But let me emphasize again - your wife cheated on you. Don't let your martyrdom blind you to that. She needs to work on herself as well. This is not all about what an awful husband you are.

You also need to take a look at this affair. You have ignored questions about whether it is still going on in view of her working with him. If you want any chance of getting her back, she absolutely needs to stop seeing him. Get to the coping with infidelity forum and figure out the steps you need to take to work on that part, because her decision to cheat is all on her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Coffee Amore said:


> Maybe, maybe not. It's often pushed on this boards by some people who think it's the answer to so many marital problems (obviously I disagree). I think you're better off reading His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages for now. If you want to be a better man start with two books....


When a wife has an affair, the husband cannot NICE her back into leaving other men alone simply by meeting her needs and knowing how to show her love (those two books). He FIRST has to regain his manhood, how he was before he married her and would not put up with such crap. She needs to SEE that he will not put up with it, to be willing to give it up. He'll get that from reading NMMNG and Married Man Sex Life Primer. 

THEN - once she gives up looking at other men (out of fear of losing him) he needs to educate himself on how to stop his Love Busters and meet her Emotional Needs and learn her Love Languages. If he wastes time trying to nice up while she's eyeing other men, he will look weak. And women don't like weak men. Those books ARE vital - but not while a woman is cheating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

scoot162 said:


> My wife enjoys reading, would these be good for her to read as well? I am assuming they would be.


 Yes, you both should be reading them.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She most likely thinks that you threw it (your relationsihp with her) away a long time ago.
> 
> You need to find a way to see her side of this... I mean to not just understand it intelectually but to actually feel it in your gut.


I believe I feel it in my gut. I am hurting so bad!


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