# Wife has a crush



## Silverwolf747

Hi all, new on here and really just looking for some advice and help.

My wife and I have been together 8 years and almost married 3. 

Last month I found out she had a crush on a co-worker. She has slowly told me more and each time it sounds worse and worse. 

When she first told me I suspect as much with the way she was acting but thought a little crush is not that bad. But she messages the guy in a group chat all the time and has since admitted that she thinks about him as a relationship and sexually. 

I really not sure what to do or how to cope! Everyone we talk about it she says we are the priority but nothing seems to change! 

What do I do?


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## Diana7

She needs to stop feeding it and have no contact at all except were she has to for work. She needs clear boundaries in her interactions with him and may need to look for another job. Its a choice to do the right thing, and she isnt doing it. She is playing with fire and risking her marriage.


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## Andy1001

I own a business with a lot of female employees.I know one hundred percent that a few of them at least have a crush on me,they have made it clear to me and other members of staff.The business was formerly owned by my girlfriend and she used to yank my chain about this all the time.
In all humility I will say I am a good looking guy,very fit and very wealthy.
But it doesn't matter because I have no interest in anyone other than my girlfriend and our family.If her crush has no interest in her then she may as well be crushing on Brad Pitt for all the good it will do her.
But if he shows willing then you may have a problem.Try finding out about him,is he married,has he a steady girlfriend,children etc.
If you can't trust her then it may be time for a job change.
Before it becomes necessary for a wife change.


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## Silverwolf747

Diana7 - I did ask that she not interact outside of work related conversations and such but she continued to talk to her friend about him and wanting him ect but he is also part of a group chat that she is always on. Don't think the friend helps as well!

Andy1001 - he is married with a new baby and going through a tough patch. I have never met him but their might be an attraction the other way as well which makes up most of the talk between her and her friend whether he likes her back or not.


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## brooklynAnn

She has to stop it. A married woman who understands herself and her boundaries should know this goes beyond the line in the sand. She is being disrespectful to you and the marriage. She needs to understand while it's ok to look at admire that there is no way she should be reaching out trying to make contact and develope any sort of relationship with this man. This is just wrong.


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## SunCMars

Is he reciprocating?
Is he game?
Is he trying to get in her pants?

If yes, I would have a chat with him...pronto Tonto!

If it all on her and he is mostly a victim, I would tell her to quit her job.
Or quit her marriage.

The other thing.
She admitted wanting to have a sexual relationship with him?

Wow, that statement takes nerve. How much lower can she punch a man?

It is one thing to think this way....a 'huge' other thing to verbalize this to your spouse.

This wife of yours' has shown her colors...and they ain't 'true blue'.

Your' marriage is in deep trouble.


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## Andy1001

Silverwolf747 said:


> Diana7 - I did ask that she not interact outside of work related conversations and such but she continued to talk to her friend about him and wanting him ect but he is also part of a group chat that she is always on. Don't think the friend helps as well!
> 
> Andy1001 - he is married with a new baby and going through a tough patch. I have never met him but their might be an attraction the other way as well which makes up most of the talk between her and her friend whether he likes her back or not.


Yes the other man is having problems in his marriage,your wife is the problem.
It's time for you to create boundaries for her and if she doesn't or can't respect them and you,let her go and live with her toxic friend.
I know all about the problems that "friends" can cause in a relationship,I cancelled my wedding last year when my gf couldn't see that her friends were trying to come between us.Some of them were trying to hook up with me at the same time as telling her that I was not right for her and would never be faithful.
To be honest, and I have no wish to insult you my friend but your wife seems to be an immature idiot with no sense of morality.Discussing whether a married man,with a new baby was interested in having a relationship with her while she is married to you.Is this the way you envisioned married life after less than three years?You could tell his wife but that will only solve the problem temporarily until your wife moves onto her next crush.


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## ConanHub

Silverwolf747 said:


> Diana7 - I did ask that she not interact outside of work related conversations and such but she continued to talk to her friend about him and wanting him ect but he is also part of a group chat that she is always on. Don't think the friend helps as well!
> 
> Andy1001 - he is married with a new baby and going through a tough patch. I have never met him but their might be an attraction the other way as well which makes up most of the talk between her and her friend whether he likes her back or not.


Join the chat group and introduce yourself as the husband. Introduce yourself to his wife as well. Also see if you can get chummy with any available attractive female and start developing a close friendship where time and energy is taken away from your wife.

You could go cold and dark on her. She gets the benefit of you as well as the emotional high from her crush.

Me... I'd serve her.


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## samyeagar

This should be moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## Evinrude58

She has a desire for a sexual relationship with him and told YOU???

I think I'd give her papers. Why? Because she has the intellect of a three year old and the morals of a chimpanzee.

For you to even consider staying married to a woman like this is bad in itself.
Yes, she seems to tell you what's on her mind. That's good. That she acts on these urges and expects you to tolerate it? That's horrible.
Your inaction will ensure her follow-through.

This won't be her last crush.


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## sokillme

You better nip it. You better tell her and show her there will be consequence. I mean I would be saying maybe I didn't marry right. I also might leave out some mementos of romantic things I did so she can look at them, if you did that. Wedding album and stuff but I might put a note on there, "you better choose because you don't get both." Might even put divorce papers at the end of the album with a note that says your choice sign this or get a different job. Then I would leave and stay at a hotel for a few nights and not answer my text. 

Although are you sure she is worth the effort. A spouse without loyalty is basically just a time and money sink. They have no value what so ever. They ruin your life and life is short. Losing them is not a big lost it's actually a win. Don't even feel bad because they have no value to the ones they end up with except for sex anyway. Presumably you got that from her already and you can get it from someone else. Sex today is more cheap then any other time in history. Loyalty is hard to find.


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## SunCMars

Her crush was so over reaching....it crushed the whole State of:
Your Marriage.

It crushed your' future dreams.

It crushed you.

Your's and her World were crushed:

By her words
Flowing over honest lips.
Overflowing the Levy.
The Levity of this taints your' leaking Union.
Levity ill-conceived and mouthed by this Women child.


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## arbitrator

*A "crush" is often the leading edge of adultery, where sexual or emotional contact has likely not yet transpired, but "dreaming" about it probably has! And that's greatly predicated by the fact that she's being totally honestly in telling you everything about it!

Do you think that she has? Well I don't!*


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## Evinrude58

sokillme said:


> You better nip it. You better tell her and show her there will be consequence. I mean I would be saying maybe I didn't marry right. I also might leave out some mementos of romantic things I did so she can look at them, if you did that. Wedding album and stuff but I might put a note on there, "you better choose because you don't get both." Might even put divorce papers at the end of the album with a note that says your choice sign this or get a different job. Then I would leave and stay at a hotel for a few nights and not answer my text.
> 
> Although are you sure she is worth the effort. A spouse without loyalty is basically just a time and money sink. They have no value what so ever. They ruin your life and life is short. Losing them is not a big lost it's actually a win. Don't even feel bad because they have no value to the ones they end up with except for sex anyway. Presumably you got that from her already and you can get it from someone else. Sex today is more cheap then any other time in history. Loyalty is hard to find.


Exceptional advice. This. Think on it.


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## Silverwolf747

Evinrude58 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> You better nip it. You better tell her and show her there will be consequence. I mean I would be saying maybe I didn't marry right. I also might leave out some mementos of romantic things I did so she can look at them, if you did that. Wedding album and stuff but I might put a note on there, "you better choose because you don't get both." Might even put divorce papers at the end of the album with a note that says your choice sign this or get a different job. Then I would leave and stay at a hotel for a few nights and not answer my text.
> 
> Although are you sure she is worth the effort. A spouse without loyalty is basically just a time and money sink. They have no value what so ever. They ruin your life and life is short. Losing them is not a big lost it's actually a win. Don't even feel bad because they have no value to the ones they end up with except for sex anyway. Presumably you got that from her already and you can get it from someone else. Sex today is more cheap then any other time in history. Loyalty is hard to find.
> 
> 
> 
> Exceptional advice. This. Think on it.
Click to expand...


I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage


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## Andy1001

Silverwolf747 said:


> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage


You don't mention what age you and your wife are so maybe she just needs to grow up.The worrying thing for me in this situation is that she has slowly given you more information.This is called trickle truth and you may not have all the information yet.This friend is definitely bad news and needs to be put in her place,if she is married maybe let her husband know that she is encouraging your wife to cheat.It doesn't say a lot for her own morals.
If you are going away for a few days don't tell your wife how long you will be away for,otherwise she could move this affair further if she has an empty house to entertain her would be lover in.(And I'm not so sure the description is "would be")
What I can't get my head around is her talking to her friends about this,you do realise that they have nothing but contempt for you I hope.They are openly discussing her having an affair and she doesn't even try to hide the messages.Unbelievable!
Once again my friend I have no wish to offend you but face facts,your wife is openly planning an affair with a married man who has a new baby.There are a lot of words to describe a woman who would do this and they aren't very nice ones.


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## Silverwolf747

Andy1001 said:


> Silverwolf747 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage
> 
> 
> 
> You don't mention what age you and your wife are so maybe she just needs to grow up.The worrying thing for me in this situation is that she has slowly given you more information.This is called trickle truth and you may not have all the information yet.This friend is definitely bad news and needs to be put in her place,if she is married maybe let her husband know that she is encouraging your wife to cheat.It doesn't say a lot for her own morals.
> If you are going away for a few days don't tell your wife how long you will be away for,otherwise she could move this affair further if she has an empty house to entertain her would be lover in.(And I'm not so sure the description is "would be")
> What I can't get my head around is her talking to her friends about this,you do realise that they have nothing but contempt for you I hope.They are openly discussing her having an affair and she dotry to hide the messages.Unbelievable.
Click to expand...

Both of us are 27, would agree she needs to grow up but not out of actual age. The Drip truth is one I picked up on and still have a feeling that there might be more left to find out I haven't gone through her phone or emails or anything so could just be my head but hard to not think otherwise. Yeah this friend is bad news, she is a new friend after W moved roles. She is toxic and more a problem than OM


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## Andy1001

I feel for you buddy I really do. The problem with toxic work friends is they are there all day putting ideas into your wife's head and also poisoning her against you. 
As I said I had the same problem last year except my girlfriends friends wanted her to break up with me,there was nobody else involved. They seen her as a soft touch for letting them use her health studio free of charge and she would almost always pay if they were in a bar or restaurant,they didn't want the good times to end if we got married and set up home together. Some of them were texting me offering a shoulder to cry on while encouraging her to break up with me. 
I ended up breaking up for about ten weeks,we only got back together because she was pregnant. Because she had lost her business by then most of the toxic friends had vanished as she was short of money. All of these toxic friends are gone from the scene now and as she lives with me I have made it clear to her that no one who interfered with our relationship is welcome at my house.
You both probably should have dated more before settling down because your wife seems to have a serious case of grass is greener syndrome.
Maybe a short sharp shock will bring your wife to her senses but this friend has to go.
By the way expect your wife to play the controlling card if you try and get her to make changes.


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## Blondilocks

Silverwolf747 said:


> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage


Before you leave the home, plant some voice activated recorders. A couple of cameras wouldn't hurt.


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## zookeeper

Silverwolf747 said:


> Diana7 - *I did ask* that she not interact outside of work related conversations and such but she continued to talk to her friend about him and wanting him ect but he is also part of a group chat that she is always on. Don't think the friend helps as well!
> 
> Andy1001 - he is married with a new baby and going through a tough patch. I have never met him but their might be an attraction the other way as well which makes up most of the talk between her and her friend whether he likes her back or not.


You ASKED? How very refined...

Your wife has sexual feelings for another man and has so little respect for you that she not only tells you but continues to nurture these feelings right in front of your face? I really don't know how you save this. I doubt it is possible. 

Good luck.


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## Silverwolf747

Blondilocks said:


> Silverwolf747 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage
> 
> 
> 
> Before you leave the home, plant some voice activated recorders. A couple of cameras wouldn't hurt.
Click to expand...

I have seen this a lot on here about VARs how good are they in general such as how close would you have to be? And how many people have actually used them?


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## alexm

She's 27, has been with you for 8 years (since she was 19) and she's been shown some attention from some dude. It's not surprising, TBH.

She's spent her entire 20's, thus far, with one guy, married, living together, etc. That's a long time at that age. Doesn't excuse her, but it's not that shocking, unfortunately.

I'm not a big proponent of marrying young, but I'm biased. They can, and do, certainly work for many, but the odds of something like this happening seem to be a lot higher in these cases.

I dunno. To me, your late teens and most of your 20's are that time in your life where you get to experience all kinds of things with an energy, open eyes and an excitement, before life starts to bog you down. One of those experiences is relationships. Another is the opposite of that - getting to know yourself.

It usually takes numerous (or at least several) kicks at the dating can before you start to understand what you want out of a partner.

The initial flirtations, the butterflies, the excitement at somebody "new" is also addictive. Usually, if you've dated enough, the need for that disappears (more or less). That initial excitement is largely why some people serial-date at whatever age (especially young).

At that age, it's not so much about finding a life partner, it's about gaining valuable experience. Figuring out what you want in a partner, what you want for yourself. It's about learning.

Sometimes, marrying young ends up being that learning experience, like it was for me. I didn't do any real casual dating before I met my ex wife at 18. We married in our early 20's, divorced early 30's. That's when I got to know _myself_.


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## Blondilocks

Silverwolf747 said:


> I have seen this a lot on here about VARs how good are they in general such as how close would you have to be? And how many people have actually used them?


Go on Amazon and read reviews on the Sony var. A lot of info on distance and audibility. Place one where your wife is likely to relax and chat on her phone and one in the bedroom.


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## Silverwolf747

alexm said:


> She's 27, has been with you for 8 years (since she was 19) and she's been shown some attention from some dude. It's not surprising, TBH.
> 
> She's spent her entire 20's, thus far, with one guy, married, living together, etc. That's a long time at that age. Doesn't excuse her, but it's not that shocking, unfortunately.
> 
> I'm not a big proponent of marrying young, but I'm biased. They can, and do, certainly work for many, but the odds of something like this happening seem to be a lot higher in these cases.
> 
> I dunno. To me, your late teens and most of your 20's are that time in your life where you get to experience all kinds of things with an energy, open eyes and an excitement, before life starts to bog you down. One of those experiences is relationships. Another is the opposite of that - getting to know yourself.
> 
> It usually takes numerous (or at least several) kicks at the dating can before you start to understand what you want out of a partner.
> 
> The initial flirtations, the butterflies, the excitement at somebody "new" is also addictive. Usually, if you've dated enough, the need for that disappears (more or less). That initial excitement is largely why some people serial-date at whatever age (especially young).
> 
> At that age, it's not so much about finding a life partner, it's about gaining valuable experience. Figuring out what you want in a partner, what you want for yourself. It's about learning.
> 
> Sometimes, marrying young ends up being that learning experience, like it was for me. I didn't do any real casual dating before I met my ex wife at 18. We married in our early 20's, divorced early 30's. That's when I got to know _myself_.


Almost following this to the exact timeline! Can I ask why you divorced what led to it?


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## SunCMars

Silverwolf747 said:


> He is married with a new baby and going through a tough patch.



This is a fact.

Wives are most vulnerable to cheating by their husbands during pregnancy and for a year or two afterward.

Many men do not view pregnant women as being sexually attractive, sexually available.

Plus, they do not want to take a chance of harming the baby inside. This is unlikely to happen but the fear is certainly there.
Plus, most men view pregnancy as something mysterious and not something that they want to interfere with.
And the thought that a large baby [in his mind] has passed through his dear sexual territory 'puts off' some knucklehead men. The thought of this turns them away from the wife.


Plus, and this is a BIG plus, some men resent the fact that their wife or 'women' is pregnant and not available to them, as before.
They get sexually frustrated and seek out sex from some other available women. A sad fact, this.

After the baby is born, the mother is bonding with the new baby and busy as hell caring for it on a 24/7 basis. This is reality, this is life, a good thing.
The husband? He gets pushed to the back of the line with respect to his needs. This is reality and some men are just immature and selfish....and they cheat.
And they act pissy, giving their wife a bad time.

If this is OM's first child he is being swamped with demands from the new mother. Some men enjoy the lead up to pregnancy, not the aftermath responsibilities. She may not be on her best 'sexual' behavior. Duh!

Some women remain sexually active and available before and after pregnancy. Many do not.

Pregnancy is a perilous time for marriages.


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## Andy1001

SunCMars said:


> This is a fact.
> 
> Wives are most vulnerable to cheating by their husbands during pregnancy and for a year or two afterward.
> 
> Many men do not view pregnant women as being sexually attractive, sexually available.
> 
> Plus, they do not want to take a chance of harming the baby inside. This is unlikely to happen but the fear is certainly there.
> Plus, most men view pregnancy as something mysterious and not something that they want to interfere with.
> And the thought that a large baby [in his mind] has passed through his dear sexual territory 'puts off' some knucklehead men. The thought of this turns them away from the wife.
> 
> 
> Plus, and this is a BIG plus, some men resent the fact that their wife or 'women' is pregnant and not available to them, as before.
> They get sexually frustrated and seek out sex from some other available women. A sad fact, this.
> 
> After the baby is born, the mother is bonding with the new baby and busy as hell caring for it on a 24/7 basis. This is reality, this is life, a good thing.
> The husband? He gets pushed to the back of the line with respect to his needs. This is reality and some men are just immature and selfish....and they cheat.
> And they act pissy, giving their wife a bad time.
> 
> If this is OM's first child he is being swamped with demands from the new mother. Some men enjoy the lead up to pregnancy, not the aftermath responsibilities. She may not be on her best 'sexual' behavior. Duh!
> 
> Some women remain sexually active and available before and after pregnancy. Many do not.
> 
> Pregnancy is a perilous time for marriages.


When my girlfriend was pregnant we had sex every day right up to and including the day she went into labor.She never seemed more beautiful to me than when she was pregnant.We had sex the day she came home from hospital,not piv as she was still sore but she insisted on taking care of me in an alternative fashion.
How can any man cheat on a woman who has just had his baby?
Another part of my "I don't understand this" trilogy.


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## Malaise

Silverwolf747 said:


> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage


Be prepared to be gaslit and called controlling.


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## sokillme

Silverwolf747 said:


> I think it is time to find out if she is worth that effort. Going to issue an ultimatum then spend the next few days away and see if it is even worth me staying in the marriage


Just be aware she may call your bluff. Do you have kids?


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## Silverwolf747

sokillme said:


> Just be aware she may call your bluff. Do you have kids?


Nope no kids, and not really a bluff. More a if we are to have a future things need to change and fight for it. If not then that's an answer in itself


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## Steve1000

Silverwolf747 said:


> Hi all, new on here and really just looking for some advice and help.
> 
> My wife and I have been together 8 years and almost married 3.
> 
> Last month I found out she had a crush on a co-worker. She has slowly told me more and each time it sounds worse and worse.
> 
> When she first told me I suspect as much with the way she was acting but thought a little crush is not that bad. But she messages the guy in a group chat all the time and has since admitted that she thinks about him as a relationship and sexually.
> 
> I really not sure what to do or how to cope! Everyone we talk about it she says we are the priority but nothing seems to change!
> 
> What do I do?


Wanting to talk about it and asking her if you are a priority unfortunately makes you look weak and pathetic in your wife's eyes. I would tell her that she can keep her junior high "crush" on another boy, but that this is not what you had in mind when you got married and you have decided to not put up with this nonsense anymore.


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## Bananapeel

Silverwolf747 said:


> I have seen this a lot on here about VARs how good are they in general such as how close would you have to be? And how many people have actually used them?


I caught my ex on it the first day I put it out. It was in our bedroom closet and she was in the kitchen (shares a wall with the bedroom) with the OM. I couldn't hear everything but there was enough to know what was going on and who it was with. Aside from my divorce lawyer, that was the best money I've spent because it wiped out all ambivalence and gave me my clear path. 

I personally doubt your wife has cheated. If she did she'd be minimizing the importance of the other man to try to cover her tracks.


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## Yeswecan

Andy1001 said:


> Yes the other man is having problems in his marriage,your wife is the problem.


Bingo. Time to advise OM wife. Time for your W to find a new job.


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## Yeswecan

Silverwolf747 said:


> Nope no kids, and not really a bluff. More a if we are to have a future things need to change and fight for it. If not then that's an answer in itself


No kids???? Run sir. Why spend the remaining days of your life wondering who the W is having a crush on? Find someone who has some morals.


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## Rubix Cubed

Take Blondilock's advice on multiple VARs. You leaving for a while after the ultimatum will be the best opportunity you will EVER have of her talking about what happened with someone, almost a sure thing. If you don't take that opportunity you will regret it the rest of your life, no matter which way this goes.
As she also mentioned get a better Sony model they run $50 and up, and are of good enough quality to work for this purpose. Make sure you turn off any lights and beeping functions. Ask any questions you have here, there are some real pros at evidence gathering here, such as @GusPolinski , @weightlifter .


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## threelittlestars

Hi, I just wanted to add my two cents... 

At 27 I think it is very normal for women to have crushes... Be it untouchable crushes like brad pitt etc... Though he never floated my boat OR very touchable co-workers, fellow students (in college) etc. 

I have been married almost 12 years, (I married at 19) I have had LOTS of crushes. But nothing that became more. Why? Because i did not feed into them. I did not seek out communication. Naturally if i was around the person a lot the crush wained and disappeared around a year. But that is because i never fed the fantasy, never tried to push it further. 

I think it is alright to crush/notice a person of interest... But if you feed the obsession it will take on a life of its own. And this is where your partner is. She fed her wants to this point of it coming to your attention. 

i think this could play out a few different ways. If you are like, eh, thanks for telling me she will interpret that as you dont care, but if you go over the top she may pull the plug on you guys... I dont know what is right....

Good luck!


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## GusPolinski

Rubix Cubed said:


> Take Blondilock's advice on multiple VARs. You leaving for a while after the ultimatum will be the best opportunity you will EVER have of her talking about what happened with someone, almost a sure thing. If you don't take that opportunity you will regret it the rest of your life, no matter which way this goes.
> As she also mentioned get a better Sony model they run $50 and up, and are of good enough quality to work for this purpose. Make sure you turn off any lights and beeping functions. Ask any questions you have here, there are some real pros at evidence gathering here, such as @GusPolinski , @weightlifter .


FWIW, @TaDor is probably the person to talk to regarding VARs these days.

And @weightlifter’s “Standard Evidence Post” thread is still a pretty good reference on VAR configuration, placement, etc.


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## Diana7

alexm said:


> She's 27, has been with you for 8 years (since she was 19) and she's been shown some attention from some dude. It's not surprising, TBH.
> 
> She's spent her entire 20's, thus far, with one guy, married, living together, etc. That's a long time at that age. Doesn't excuse her, but it's not that shocking, unfortunately.
> 
> I'm not a big proponent of marrying young, but I'm biased. They can, and do, certainly work for many, but the odds of something like this happening seem to be a lot higher in these cases.
> 
> I dunno. To me, your late teens and most of your 20's are that time in your life where you get to experience all kinds of things with an energy, open eyes and an excitement, before life starts to bog you down. One of those experiences is relationships. Another is the opposite of that - getting to know yourself.
> 
> It usually takes numerous (or at least several) kicks at the dating can before you start to understand what you want out of a partner.
> 
> The initial flirtations, the butterflies, the excitement at somebody "new" is also addictive. Usually, if you've dated enough, the need for that disappears (more or less). That initial excitement is largely why some people serial-date at whatever age (especially young).
> 
> At that age, it's not so much about finding a life partner, it's about gaining valuable experience. Figuring out what you want in a partner, what you want for yourself. It's about learning.
> 
> Sometimes, marrying young ends up being that learning experience, like it was for me. I didn't do any real casual dating before I met my ex wife at 18. We married in our early 20's, divorced early 30's. That's when I got to know _myself_.


As you say, it works for many. I know many now in their 60's who married young, it was normal when I was that age. Also getting married isn't being bogged down at all.


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## Silverwolf747

Threelittlestars - I agree which is why my initial reaction was not that big. I expected her to then take control and herself out but she didn't. That's when I set the ground rules like no communication outside of important work related conversations. But then realised that it shouldn't be me making all the rules and making her stop and she should want to. If she doesn't then that in its own way answers my questions.


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## Steve1000

Diana7 said:


> As you say, it works for many. I know many now in their 60's who married young, it was normal when I was that age. Also getting married isn't being bogged down at all.


Not bogged down at all if the couple is mature enough and both enjoy doing things together.


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## Silverwolf747

Steve1000 said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> 
> As you say, it works for many. I know many now in their 60's who married young, it was normal when I was that age. Also getting married isn't being bogged down at all.
> 
> 
> 
> Not bogged down at all if the couple is mature enough and both enjoy doing things together.
Click to expand...

That's where I felt we were at. Go on holidays, gigs, football, bought a house. Ect just feels like she has regressed and is acting immature


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## Bianca Stella

Isn't this sort of the same as to have my husband confess (after a lot of pressure) that he is attracted to 3 women at work and "fantasizes" looking at their pics? 
Some people here called me controlling on my thread! So who is right and who is wrong? She fessed up to the attraction, my husband fessed u to the masturbation so should i file?


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## alexm

Diana7 said:


> As you say, it works for many. I know many now in their 60's who married young, it was normal when I was that age. Also getting married isn't being bogged down at all.


I didn't say it doesn't work for everybody. There are many to whom it absolutely does.

But. Not everybody is mature enough to make that kind of commitment at that young an age. Hell, the human brain doesn't stop developing until one's early 20's. What you want at 18, 22, or 24 is not what you'll want at 30 - MOST of the time.

I was fine settling down in my early-mid 20's. My ex wife THOUGHT she was. And that was where we went wrong. This is not uncommon.


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## Yeswecan

Silverwolf747 said:


> That's where I felt we were at. Go on holidays, gigs, football, bought a house. Ect just feels like she has regressed and is acting immature


Married my W at 21. We are 23 years married. Over the 23 years my W never indicated she has missed out on anything including other relationships. Maybe the exception to the rule but I never bought into "did not sew my wild oats before marriage so this is why I did this".


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## sokillme

Bianca Stella said:


> Isn't this sort of the same as to have my husband confess (after a lot of pressure) that he is attracted to 3 women at work and "fantasizes" looking at their pics?
> Some people here called me controlling on my thread! So who is right and who is wrong? She fessed up to the attraction, my husband fessed u to the masturbation so should i file?


It's really not a question that we can answer. What are you willing to put up with? That's why my advice was if it was me here is what I would do. Personally I really don't believe you can make anyone police themselves, I don't have the desire or energy to be my spouses parent. This kind of stuff is really about being a mature adult. So like I said, for me I would probably be thinking maybe I made a mistake and picked the wrong person. 

Personally I don't have much faith in people to change their nature, I think most people over the age of 25 are who they are going to be morally. Now can they change their actions yes, but usually that is because they see the immoral nature of their actions and are motivated to change. They just don't learn to be moral though. On very rare occasions they do, but usually it takes going through hell to do so. 

The truth is ****ty people with poor boundaries make your life miserable. It's a quality of life thing in my mind. Will it hurt for a year or so while you get over them, yes, but that is a hell of a lot better then a life time of waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you. This people are basically a hindrance to a happy life, absolutely not people you want to hold onto like they actually provide a long term benefit to your life, of course I am talking in the context of relationships. The best thing said about these people is they are just not worth it. 

Is that controlling, hell yeah. I have every right to control what and who I want in my life. They are free to do what they want. 

Again that is me, you have to decide. Maybe in your case it was a one time thing, but if it's a pattern, look out.


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## Andy1001

Yeswecan said:


> Married my W at 21. We are 23 years married. Over the 23 years my W never indicated she has missed out on anything including other relationships. Maybe the exception to the rule but I never bought into "did not sew my wild oats before marriage so this is why I did this".


My parents married when they both were twenty two and were married for almost forty five years when they died.My brother was married at nineteen and is now over thirty years married,he still thinks his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world.
If I had married at any stage of my twenties I honestly don't think the ink would have dried on the marriage license before divorce proceedings would have started.Even now I don't feel ready for marriage and despite blaming lots of things for cancelling my wedding last year I think cold feet was a big part of it.
Different strokes for different folks.


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## Stillasamountain

Silverwolf747 said:


> just feels like she has regressed and is acting immature


That's where the toxic friends play a part...


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## TaDor

Silverwolf747 said:


> I have seen this a lot on here about VARs how good are they in general such as how close would you have to be? And how many people have actually used them?


 Get the Sony ICD-PX470 or PX370. Turn off beeps and recording light. Set MIC into auto mode (default) - which means it will adjust the mic automaticly between close to distance talking. You need to test it out in various locations (that its not accidently found) where she / others may talk. The 470 is more senstive - You can easily record 2~3 rooms from one location (as long as the doors are open). So 30ft away isn't a issue.

Buy locally, with cash. Hide packaging and recipt or toss when you know its working.


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## Diana7

Steve1000 said:


> Not bogged down at all if the couple is mature enough and both enjoy doing things together.


Its only recently that people started marrying far later.


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## TaDor

Silverwolf747 said:


> Hi all, new on here and really just looking for some advice and help.
> 
> My wife and I have been together 8 years and almost married 3.
> 
> Last month I found out she had a crush on a co-worker. She has slowly told me more and each time it sounds worse and worse.
> 
> When she first told me I suspect as much with the way she was acting but thought a little crush is not that bad. But she messages the guy in a group chat all the time and has since admitted that she thinks about him as a relationship and sexually.
> 
> I really not sure what to do or how to cope! Everyone we talk about it she says we are the priority but nothing seems to change!
> 
> What do I do?


Buy two copies of "NOT just friends" One for you, the other for her. Start reading today. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1506547138&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends (I'd get new and or used - The paperback ver is pretty much the same size as the hardcover).

She needs to choose. Marriage or job. She or he needs to quit.
His "rocky" marriage is bullcrap. New baby stress, check. Not getting laid enough, check. Maybe he wants your wife to give him a sympathy BJ? That happens. It's okay since its not "sex". (not)

At least she is telling you SOME info. Either it needs to be nipped in the butt or your world is going to get 1000x worse.

Be firm, that its not accpetable.


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## TaDor

Diana7 said:


> Its only recently that people started marrying far later.


 YEah, because young women were not married off in their young years. They could go to shool, have a career, not REQUIRE a husband to have a sense of self or a man to support them.


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## harrybrown

how about your crushes?

would she mind since she opened the marriage, that you go get your female crush and affair?

It would not bother her if you had a fling with some young lady?

you could have her served at work, but do tell the OM's spouse looking after the new baby.

do not delay.


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## zookeeper

You can play Columbo if you want, but I don't see the point of a VAR. What exactly are you trying to find out? Her behavior on its face is unacceptable to you, right? She refuses to stop, right? What more do you need to know?

If there is a turd in my soup I don't eat it. I don't need to know if it came from a cat or dog, I don't need to investigate for corn, I don't need to plant a camera in the kitchen to see if it was put there on purpose. All that is irrelevant. I refuse the soup and never go back to that restaurant. Because turds in my soup are a deal breaker. Period.


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## Steve1000

Diana7 said:


> Its only recently that people started marrying far later.


Couples have generally likely always been happier if they were more mature, no matter what their ages were.


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## Chaparral

Marriage longevity is determined by the character of the two people invloved. The more sex partners a person has before marriage the more likely they are to cheat according to "expert studies." Waiting to marry would seem to give a person more time for more partners.

Does your wife let you see her phone? Why haven't you checked her phone bills for texting, phone and email usage? That's basic sense.

There is no such things as secrecy in marriage. Privacy only extends to potty breaks.

She's already said enough to let you know she is no longer in love with you. What changes has your sex life gone through? This is a crucial question? Are you both still attractive?


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## Angeolus

Hi Silverwolf747

Im just new too...

Well, a simple crush doesn't hurt but if it disrupts the emotional bond between you and you're wife then you should talk about it. 

She may feel excited with this crush thing but she should limit herself to be involved in order not to affect your relationship as husband and wife. 

Hope this helps...grin2:




Silverwolf747 said:


> Hi all, new on here and really just looking for some advice and help.
> 
> My wife and I have been together 8 years and almost married 3.
> 
> Last month I found out she had a crush on a co-worker. She has slowly told me more and each time it sounds worse and worse.
> 
> When she first told me I suspect as much with the way she was acting but thought a little crush is not that bad. But she messages the guy in a group chat all the time and has since admitted that she thinks about him as a relationship and sexually.
> 
> I really not sure what to do or how to cope! Everyone we talk about it she says we are the priority but nothing seems to change!
> 
> What do I do?


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## Rob_1

I guess that what I'm seeing here is two young people that have not really grasp the concept of boundary tolerances and a more and more common phenomenon within the new generations of young men not being able to react swiftly with a strong confidence and conviction when it comes to this types of situations with their wife/girlfriend. The young women almost always seems to be able to be more assertive and go getter than their boyfriend/husband when they start to think that the grass is greener on the other side, while the guy is weakly and/or meekly trying to protest instead of acting like a man and either nipping it at the bud or immediately letting the wife/girlfriend know that what they have done is an immediate cause for divorce and go through it immediately. 

The OP needs to start learning or relearning what it takes until it becomes second nature to project what women admire and make them attracted to a man: a confident secure go getter man that has a vision of his future and that he goes after what he wants without hesitation. He needs to quickly change his game and start acting and projecting decisiveness and conviction on his decisions as they're being comunicated clearly without room for any type of ambiguities.


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## sokillme

Diana7 said:


> Its only recently that people started marrying far later.


It's only since the babyboomer generation that being perpetually a teenager was seen as something to strive for. Which really comes down to advertising and disposable income. In the 60's the whole culture switched from being adult focused to being teenage and 20s focused. Look at the music for instance. Before that though the goal was to become an adult. Now the goal is to stay a kid forever. This push for staying young, and being married don't mix very well.


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## Vinnydee

Your acceptance of her behavior on the onset seems to belie your concern. I would have ended it right after she said the word "crush". Once emotions come into play, humans make bad choices, even risking their marriage.


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## TX-SC

If your wife isn't 15 years old, she sure does a damn good job of acting like she is.


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## Diana7

TaDor said:


> YEah, because young women were not married off in their young years. They could go to shool, have a career, not REQUIRE a husband to have a sense of self or a man to support them.


When I was young, women were not 'married off', they choose to get married and they had a good education and careers as well. Nothing to do with having a 'sense of self', but of not needing their 20s and even some of their 30's to feel mature enough to make a commitment and have children, nor needing a man to support them as most worked as well.


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## Diana7

Agreed totally. Young adults were so much more mature then, I worked full time from 18, bought my first house at 20, had my first child at 21, that was pretty normal then and we thought nothing of it and I have no regrets at all. 
I cant imagine people today being that committed that young.


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## Rubix Cubed

Diana7 said:


> Agreed totally. Young adults were so much more mature then, I worked full time from 18, bought my first house at 20, had my first child at 21, that was pretty normal then and we thought nothing of it and I have no regrets at all.
> I cant imagine people today being that committed that young.


 It's because many millennials have been coddled by helicopter parents who never let them be wrong or fail. They have not had to grow up so they don't. Look at the whole antifa movement for a perfect example. A bunch of petulant children.


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## Diana7

Rubix Cubed said:


> It's because many millennials have been coddled by helicopter parents who never let them be wrong or fail. They have not had to grow up so they don't. Look at the whole antifa movement for a perfect example. A bunch of petulant children.


In agree, but I also know many lovely mature young people, so they are not all like that.


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## Rubix Cubed

Diana7 said:


> In agree, but I also know many lovely mature young people, so they are not all like that.


 Hence why I typed 'many' instead of 'all' . I know a few myself, and the older I get the more refreshing running across them is.


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## yuan

She has a crush on this guy and fantasizes about him as well. She admitted it all to you so she hopes you'll be ok about it? The guy crush is going thru a rough time with his wife too and that's a recipe for a disaster. This will lead on to something else if you don't stop it. Put the guy in his place and put your wife in her place too. Tell wife if the situation is reversed and you're doing this instead of her, what would she feel?


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## Rick Blaine

yuan said:


> She has a crush on this guy and fantasizes about him as well. She admitted it all to you so she hopes you'll be ok about it? The guy crush is going thru a rough time with his wife too and that's a recipe for a disaster. This will lead on to something else if you don't stop it. Put the guy in his place and put your wife in her place too. Tell wife if the situation is reversed and you're doing this instead of her, what would she feel?


Yes, this. If they are flirting confront the other man and tell him to stay away from your wife. Tell your wife the same.

I did this once early in my marriage and it put an end to a potential fling. It was headed to a full on affair. Walked into his workplace and was steely and concise. "Stay way from my wife. I know what is going on. " The guy was taken aback and feigned innocence, but he left her alone after that. He was married and found other girls, which led to the demise of his marriage. My wife, who had poor boundaries, was thrilled I confronted the other guy. So it was a success for the moment. However, her poor boundaries continued, and we are no longer married, but I never waivered in being firm with boundaries. That has saved me a lot of frustration and anxiety.

Set firm bounderies with your wife now or live in a terrible insecure limbo. By this I do not mean be controlling. I mean stand up for yourself by letting her know what the nonnegotiables are. And stick to them!


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## SunCMars

zookeeper said:


> You can play Columbo if you want, but I don't see the point of a VAR. What exactly are you trying to find out? Her behavior on its face is unacceptable to you, right? She refuses to stop, right? What more do you need to know?
> 
> *If there is a turd in my soup I don't eat it. I don't need to know if it came from a cat or dog, I don't need to investigate for corn,* I don't need to plant a camera in the kitchen to see if it was put there on purpose. All that is irrelevant. I refuse the soup and never go back to that restaurant. Because turds in my soup are a deal breaker. Period.


I could not finish my breakfast reading this. The corn stuck in a crevice in my thought gland..... 

Even though I am Martian and I have an iron clad stomach, I just....

Lost interest.
............................................................................................

Did finish my coffee. I could drink a cup in the thick of battle...with bullets, grenades, artillery barrages, mortars, ugly Huns...all about. :grin2::grin2:


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## SunCMars

Rick Blaine said:


> Yes, this. If they are flirting confront the other man and tell him to stay away from your wife. Tell your wife the same.
> 
> I did this once early in my marriage and it put an end to a potential fling. It was headed to a full on affair. Walked into his workplace and was steely and concise. "Stay way from my wife. I know what is going on. " The guy was taken aback and feigned innocence, but he left her alone after that. He was married and found other girls, which led to the demise of his marriage. My wife, who had poor boundaries, was thrilled I confronted the other guy. So it was a success for the moment. However, her poor boundaries continued, and we are no longer married, but I never waivered in being firm with boundaries. That has saved me a lot of frustration and anxiety.
> 
> Set firm bounderies with your wife now or live in a terrible insecure limbo. By this I do not mean be controlling. I mean stand up for yourself by letting her know what the nonnegotiables are. And stick to them!


Thank You!

You da' man!

This whole bit about not confronting. I call B.S.

Do not threaten to kick his ass in public. Make no threats. The point is to embarrass him at his work place.

The wife and POSOM may lose their job. Oh, well...

....................................................................................................

Early in my career, I was a night-shift production/maintenance supervisor in a medium sized Zinc Die cast factory.

One night a husband came in and did just this. He got in the face of one of my workers for fooling around with his wife. He had a relative working there who told him.
I asked him to leave...he did.
I counseled both of them to cut it out at work.

Problem: They continued to carry on. 
The husband returned with a handgun and shot up the place. He got jail. The two cheaters got fired.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> In agree, but I also know many lovely mature young people, so they are not all like that.


THIS. 

Some hope for mankind....some hope, not from Ontario.

I suspect some of you, some others like you, all over the world...

Rubbed off on them. :laugh::laugh:

It seems, if I rub one...
It is the wrong way.

Yes, they keep coming back..:grin2::grin2:


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## Andy1001

Silverwolf747 said:


> That's where I felt we were at. Go on holidays, gigs, football, bought a house. Ect just feels like she has regressed and is acting immature


How’s it going @Silverwolf747 have you sorted things out with your wife.


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