# Ex wife is violent and irrational



## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

Hi there, just here to share my story.

My wife and I separated last year in November while she was pregnant (he was born on Jan 4). Unfortunate timing yes but we did try to work things out it just became too much for us both. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. There are good days and bad days but things have settled down now, we have a somewhat regular visiting schedule for me to see the kids and I even have them several nights every month.

However the problem comes in her behaviour when she gets angry. She has assaulted me on front of the children (not minor slaps, I'm talking kicks to groin, hair pulling, punches to the face) as well as screaming and swearing in front of them, either over the phone or in person. She has tried to turn our oldest against me, giving him names to call me or telling him I'm bad amongst other things. This has happened at least 9-10 times over the past few months. She has even followed me around in the car after I have collected the children to see where I am taking them (I'm living with my parents until we can sort out our finances, something which still hasnt' happened).

She also has a problem with control, she still needs to know where I am and what I'm doing - whereas I don't feel that need with her. So if she calls out of the blue to have a go at me it becomes a major fight when I won't tell her where I am. I could be sitting at home in my underwear for all i care its none of her business anymore. When she doesnt' get her way she is always then conveniently ill and needs me to come and collect the kids for the night. I was always doing this whenever she asked but have since put a stop to it, despite feeling immense guilt. We have arranged set times and days but she shows no respect or care to stick to these when she is angry.

Hanging up the phone causes her to head out in the car and track me down (either at work or home) and cause a scene.

I know I need to not engage with her but we are still parents together and its hard not to be drawn into a fight when someone is telling you that you are an awful parent when you know that you aren't.

The constant fighting is draining me and I'm close to breaking point. Some have suggested a restraining order but I feel that is too extreme. Others have told me to man up and grow a sack and just put her in her place when she is behaving this way, and not to get drawn into stupid fights.

Sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

What do you think her end game is with this?


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

I have no idea other than that she is angry and can't control her behaviour 

It is hurting everyone, the kids especially.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Next time she gets belligerent, ignore her; don't let her draw you into a fight. Remain calm and don't show tthat you are even bothered by her attitude. When she calls angry for you to get the kids at her convenience tell her no. If she threatens to not let you see the kids, find a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My mom acted out like this for almost all of our childhood and it really sucked. My dad stepped up and was the stable voice of reason in our lives. This was back in the day so men never got custody, but we knew there was a safe haven away from the unbridled crazy that was my mother.

I'm telling you this so you know that all your hard work to be the stable parent won't go unnoticed by your kids. I promise.


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Next time she gets belligerent, ignore her; don't let her draw you into a fight. Remain calm and don't show tthat you are even bothered by her attitude. When she calls angry for you to get the kids at her convenience tell her no. If she threatens to not let you see the kids, find a lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I am learning to do. It is like clockwork how it plays out each time. I'm learning to be strong, part of why we broke up is her controlling dominating personality, it's like she can't handle not being on control of me anymore (hence the insistance of knowing where I am and what I'm doing).

We have agreed on the sharing of the children but she constantly tries to change it to suit herself and disrupt my work as much as possible.

Her family won't step in and help her as they see me as the bad guy here, even though she is the one behaving like this!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It's a shame the kids are in the middle. I have to ask though, why did you separate while she was pregnant? That seems a little over the top to leave a pregnant spouse on her own. Sorry, but I had to ask. I know that my wife had her moments when she was pregnant with my kids. I don't think I would be chipper all the time if I had to carry around a 10 lb. Bowling ball around my waste for 9 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She does this crap because you allow her to do so and get away with it. If she hits you, have her locked up for domestic assault. If she follows you around for no legitimate purpose, have her arrested for stalking. Your primary concern (I think) should be that you have an out-of-control, violent lunatic acting as primary caregiver to your kids. There are places for the violent and there are places for the insane. If she can't behave as a rational adult she doesn't need to be drawing free breath and she certainly doesn't need to be supervising children. You can't make crazy, sane. You can work on yourself, however, to fix whatever defect within you made you latch onto a crazy, violent person and make kids with them.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She does this crap because you allow her to do so and get away with it. *If she hits you, have her locked up for domestic assault. If she follows you around for no legitimate purpose, have her arrested for stalking.* Your primary concern (I think) should be that you have an out-of-control, violent lunatic acting as primary caregiver to your kids. There are places for the violent and there are places for the insane. If she can't behave as a rational adult she doesn't need to be drawing free breath and she certainly doesn't need to be supervising children. You can't make crazy, sane. You can work on yourself, however, to fix whatever defect within you made you latch onto a crazy, violent person and make kids with them.


I agree with all of this, especially the bolded. At the moment she is not suffering any consequences for her actions, and thus has no reason to stop. I see this type of behavior--especially the frequency--as very dangerous, and escalating to boot. At what point is she going to start to take it out on the kids? Or will they just grow up thinking it's okay to act as she does, maybe try it for themselves? 

It's unfortunate, but I think you have a responsibility to all involved (including yourself) to hold her accountable for her behavior.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your wife is abusive.

File for divorce, the maximum amount of child custody, and a restraining order.

She is stalking you and will keep up this charade with the kids and schedule as long as there isn't something in writing in place. She is harrassing you at work and assaulting you. This is not ok.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She's your Ex or soon to be; there's not much you can do. Your interaction shouldn't be more than whatever is needed re: the children. Beyond that you'd be dumb to engage her. Tell your place of work she can't come on the premises and if she does, they can feel free to call the cops if she's disruptive.


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

I know it is my fault, as I let her get away with it. I have even yet to call security when she has come to my work. Instead we have it out in the carpark with me hoping she will just leave (which she does after a few hours). My boss has had words to me about it.

I guess I need to grow a pair, man up and take control. It's starting to have a detrimental affect on a lot of other peoples lives as well now.

I have been to the police and they basically gave me a form for a domestic violence order. I realise she isn't coping with us separating but it has been quite some time now and this behaviour in front of the kids is unacceptable.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

*was the abuse mutual? did you ever hit her back? also, do you condone a man hitting a woman, ever, even if she hits him first?* this is just a question posed out of curiosity. i have been doing a lot of reading on these forums and i am just curious to hear from a mans perspective. thank you in advance, if you have time to answer, and thanks even if you dont.

ps. i hope everything works out with your situation. youre in my thoughts, juniper.

-suzy


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Her behavior, in front of kids, in front of your boss, or simply if the two of you were alone in the desert is not just unacceptable, it's illegal, it's dangerous, it's a public nuisance, and it's something you shouldn't tolerate. You said a restraining order was "extreme". I think allowing yourself to be a human punching bag is extreme and jeapordizing your livelihood is extreme.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sadsuzy, I was raised right. I have a natural aversion against hitting ladies, but I won't tolerate an assault from men, women, or space aliens. I have the patience of Job but once a violent hand is laid on me, I have to end it quickly. Luckily, there are a few techniques that'll lay someone out colder than a tuna without causing any real injury. Luckier still, I've never married anyone that I needed to defend myself from. I think most people test the waters before graduating to assault. They yell, scream, throw stuff, make threats, etc. At the first sign of one of those, I've always made it clear I won't participate. The only time I've had to fight anyone has been on the job, never in a personal relationship.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Has she always been like this? Could this be a "pregnancy/post partem" (sp) thing? Not making excuses for her irrational/abusive behavior, just asking. I hope this gets better for both of you, and that she ( and you) can get the help that you need.


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