# How to talk to a difficult EX(wife)



## Houstondad

Hey gang. My ex-wife has been very difficult this past month while she's had the kids during summer visitation.
Here's a few things:

1. Video chats with the kids- a few last minute changes or multiple flat out "forgetting" to have the kids chat with me during our scheduled court ordered chats.
2. Not responding/replying to questions about her BF's strict discipline with my kids.
3. Not responding to my suggestions to send CS payments that are falling behind.

1= The last 3 chats in a row I was left hanging. And this comes after an email communicating my frustrations that I feel the chats are not a priority to her. When the kids were with me, I would schedule plans AROUND the video chats with their mom. It's a pain in the arse, but it's in the decree and is only fair to the kids as well.
When she would miss getting the kids on to video chat, I would always respond in an email that I waited but there was no chat and would like to chat the following day. I don't get into it with her or how I feel about being cut-out right now because I already did in an email 4 weeks ago about how I felt this wasn't a priority to her. Her response was that it was, and she will do a better job about the scheduled chats. In reality, it's only gotten worse. It's funny that she complained about AFTER the discovery of her affair is that we don't communicate. She's turned into an utter hypocrite while I do my best to communicate. She doesn't reply to most of my emails. The bottom line is that her communication skills have earned an "F" in my opinion.
So what do I do? I feel like giving her an earful. But that also could show that I'm some desperate, emotional weakling. But I'm no longer playing the Mr. Nice Guy card either. So how the hell do I strategically tell her that this BS needs to stop and to be responsible? I'm just not good with words and tone sometimes. Should I document this? Will it do anything for me in court? So any help would be appreciated! Thanks!


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## Shaggy

Your wife has a long history of acting only in her own interests. Why are you surprised that she isn't making it a priority to respond to you or to keep her agreements with you?

The only time she will respond to you is when she wants something. Other then at that moment she will ignore you and do what she what's.

When you could stop her from having the kids this summer she sort of listened, but now that she has them, you don't matter. That's why you aren't getting the CS checks, and she's not putting an effort in.

You sir work hard and honor your commitments. You wife doesnt and never will. She just takes care of herself.


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## Shaggy

Oh, and the earful is a waste of time. She doesnt care.


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## Houstondad

I completely agree 110% Shaggy. It's BS. At this time, all I feel I can do is just document. Selfishness is her middle name.


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## Houstondad

I just was sent a message from her that went like this:
"Sorry, but the 3 video chats a week is just not working. We will have to revisit this."
Wow. So I bust my *** to get the kids online for scheduled video chats when they were with me. Schedule our plans AROUND the video sessions. And when it's her turn...suddenly it doesn't work. Yeah, it's an INCONVENIENCE for her. Responsibility? Zilch. And why should I be surprised? So now the questions is: how do I respond to this in regards to "revisiting it" which my guess is fewer chat times. But I don't want to stop there.


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## WomanScorned

I would document everything and haul her sorry rear end into court since you have court orders for both the chats and the CS. Sorry you have to have such difficulties.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

how do you talk to a difficult ex?
through your attorney.


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## keko

When you get the kids back, don't do video chats until she catches up on CS.


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## golfergirl

keko said:


> When you get the kids back, don't do video chats until she catches up on CS.


Judges frown on 'trading' money for a relationship with kids. Do you have a Maintenance Enforcement Office in the states? That's what they call it here. You register for free and they are in charge of collecting support. If support is not paid they can suspend their drivers, take money directly from employer (garnish wages) and put them in jail. Find your equivalent and file with them.
As far as video chats - keep your documentation, when kids get home see what your lawyer's suggestion is for handling her ignoring a court order. I really dislike this woman! Hopefully it changes next summer and it's a bargaining tool for lesser visitation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

You should be talking to your lawyer about your rights on all three issues. Just like almost all your other threads, the reason why she treats you with no respect is because she can, and she has no respect for you. Not sure why this is a surprise. She doesn't care about you, your feelings, or your well-being. The sooner you can understand that the only way you can get her behavior to change is to make the consequences outweigh the benefits of her actions, the better off you'll be.

C


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## golfergirl

https://www.oag.state.tx.us/cs/about/index.shtml
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

golfergirl said:


> Judges frown on 'trading' money for a relationship with kids. Do you have a Maintenance Enforcement Office in the states? That's what they call it here. You register for free and they are in charge of collecting support. If support is not paid they can suspend their drivers, take money directly from employer (garnish wages) and put them in jail. Find your equivalent and file with them.
> As far as video chats - keep your documentation, when kids get home see what your lawyer's suggestion is for handling her ignoring a court order. I really dislike this woman! Hopefully it changes next summer and it's a bargaining tool for lesser visitation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe it's different in canada but down here as long as the she has a vagina, the legal system will side with her in one way or another. Have a look at dadsdivorce.com/forums


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## golfergirl

keko said:


> Maybe it's different in canada but down here as long as the she has a vagina, the legal system will side with her in one way or another. Have a look at dadsdivorce.com/forums


I really hate that. It's like they don't listen and make status quo decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Contact your attorney to find out what to do.

Contact the state agency that collects child support. They will start enforcing child support collection.

Every time she misses a video conf with the kids, send an email to her at 10 mintues past the time. Copy yourself, your attorney and he attorney. In the email maintain a list of dates/times of all missed calls. If you can, make a copy of every call that you do get to have.


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## the guy

Whats up, I always hear my buddies going back to court for this or that so I assume you can take her back to court...at the very least have your lawyer write a threatening letter stating such.

Also that diciplin the BF is dishing out might need to get addressed to CPS and have them do a welfar check.


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## EleGirl

What is the bf doing to discipline your children? He has no business doing anything. But what is he doing?


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## Houstondad

EleGirl said:


> What is the bf doing to discipline your children? He has no business doing anything. But what is he doing?


My EX has never gotten back to me on this one. I have it documented on my emails to her showing no response from her. At this point, I check in with my son to make sure he's doing ok. But I may not know the extent of it until he comes back home next week.:smthumbup:
One interesting tidbit:
I spoke with my EXs father about this. 
A quick report on him:He's been supporting/enabling his daughter(my EX) through this whole ordeal (the lone exception being he was not hiring her a lawyer) despite the fact he's acknowledged that she's been making way too many mistakes and he himself is now seeking therapy.
So back to the moment. Her dad feels this BF is an IDIOT now because of his disciplining and lack of understanding for my kids. He also said that because of his very strict parenting styles and my EX's very laid back style that it has created a lot of friction between the two of them. So it sounds like it's very possible that my EX is trying to take more control of the disciplining when it comes to our kids. But it's still wrong for her not to get back to me or at least keep me in the loop like I had requested. How should I handle this at this point?


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## Houstondad

I spoke with my kids by phone yesterday and at one point my EX tells my daughter to tell me that she is "sorry about yesterday's chat" and my daughter includes something wrong with mommy's car. I responded by saying "Oh. Ok". And then changed the subject with my daughter. Then I spoke with my son for a bit and then he says,"Here's mommy". She gets on the phone and again apologized for yesterday, blah, blah. I responded with," I appreciate being able to talk with the kids today" in a very neutral tone. And that's all I said on the subject. In the past I've been known to go on and on about the same damn thing. But this time I responded with one sentence. 
Then said I looked forward to chatting with them Sunday and ended the conversation.
Was I wrong to even speak with her? I wonder if what I said about the "appreciation" portrays me as weak-minded? I have these thoughts because I have read the article, No more Mr. Nice Guy. And looking back at my response, I wonder if I was once again being a "Mr. Nice Guy" or if I was just being civil?


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> My EX has never gotten back to me on this one. I have it documented on my emails to her showing no response from her. At this point, I check in with my son to make sure he's doing ok. But I may not know the extent of it until he comes back home next week.:smthumbup:
> One interesting tidbit:
> I spoke with my EXs father about this.
> A quick report on him:He's been supporting/enabling his daughter(my EX) through this whole ordeal (the lone exception being he was not hiring her a lawyer) despite the fact he's acknowledged that she's been making way too many mistakes and he himself is now seeking therapy.
> So back to the moment. Her dad feels this BF is an IDIOT now because of his disciplining and lack of understanding for my kids. He also said that because of his very strict parenting styles and my EX's very laid back style that it has created a lot of friction between the two of them. So it sounds like it's very possible that my EX is trying to take more control of the disciplining when it comes to our kids. But it's still wrong for her not to get back to me or at least keep me in the loop like I had requested. How should I handle this at this point?


H-Dad,

I read post after post from people about how their "in-laws really think much of them", etc. etc.

Total B.S.

When push comes to shove, in-laws should be expected to behave just as your dumbass former father-in-law is doing. Because that is what they WILL do until proven different.

And, the friction between your ex and her male friend is also entirely predictable. I would imagine your kids were indulged and used to put YOU in your place in the family home. Of course, he'll never put up with that - and it's likely simply a reflex for your crazy ex to behave that way.

Check with your son about what's happening when he gets home. If the situation is worse than you think, go to your attorney to document it and he'll lay out your options - including law enforcement.


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## Houstondad

I guess one shouldn't expect anything different from a life long enabler. 
As for the BF, it's not that he and I are entirely different. My kids by no means put me in my place. But our parenting styles are different. And starting from Day 1 with guns a blazing laying down the law it's obvious my kids were like, " Who the frick do you think you are". Lol
He's an idiot. It's unfortunate my EX is unwilling to work together on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> I guess one shouldn't expect anything different from a life long enabler.
> As for the BF, it's not that he and I are entirely different. My kids by no means put me in my place. But our parenting styles are different. And starting from Day 1 with guns a blazing laying down the law it's obvious my kids were like, " Who the frick do you think you are". Lol
> He's an idiot. It's unfortunate my EX is unwilling to work together on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes, I type in riddles.

My apologies.

People like your wife OFTEN will use the children as an excuse to neglect their husband - thereby "putting him in his place"

I should have been more clear.

And, you didn't need to tell me he's an idiot.

He's involved with her.

That's all I need to know.


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## ferndog

It sucks when a family breaks up and kids are involved. No one loves anymore. 

Don't over think about what you tell your ex. Just be honest just because it didn't work out between you both doesn't mean you can't speak to her.

Just be honest and say you love your kids and want the best for them and being in the picture will guide them in the right direction.

Showing love, affection, being a role model, giving positive advice and guidance. Kids need love from both parents do no matter your differences with the ex. Let her know that your a father and want to be there for your loved ones

One thing you guys did was create children out of love so just let her know.

Why is it so hard and difficult to talk to another when they break up? Maybe is the pain and disappointment of the relationship failing. I don't know but try honesty. And if that doesn't work then try an attorney
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

I suggest that the frequency she feels cutting the video chats back to - is the same maximum number she gets when they are with you.

Whats good for the goose.....


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## Conrad

Shaggy said:


> I suggest that the frequency she feels cutting the video chats back to - is the same maximum number she gets when they are with you.
> 
> Whats good for the goose.....


A-FRIGGIN-MEN

Quite often, the only way to have someone understand how you are feeling is to do the very same thing to them.

Great idea Shaggy.

Of course, you don't say a word about what you're doing. Do more - talk less.


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## Houstondad

Conrad said:


> Sometimes, I type in riddles.
> 
> My apologies.
> 
> People like your wife OFTEN will use the children as an excuse to neglect their husband - thereby "putting him in his place"
> 
> I should have been more clear.
> 
> *And, you didn't need to tell me he's an idiot.
> 
> He's involved with her.
> 
> That's all I need to know*.


That's ok Conrad. I understand now. And I actually was getting a sense that's what she was doing. Her way of neglecting and getting back at me including her sense of CONTROL. Thanks for putting into perspective for me.
And your quotes that I put in bold had me laughing out loud. Seriously! It felt good to laugh!!:rofl:


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## ferndog

Kids first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike11

Houstondad said:


> I spoke with my kids by phone yesterday and at one point my EX tells my daughter to tell me that she is "sorry about yesterday's chat" and my daughter includes something wrong with mommy's car. I responded by saying "Oh. Ok". And then changed the subject with my daughter. Then I spoke with my son for a bit and then he says,"Here's mommy". She gets on the phone and again apologized for yesterday, blah, blah. I responded with," I appreciate being able to talk with the kids today" in a very neutral tone. And that's all I said on the subject. In the past I've been known to go on and on about the same damn thing. But this time I responded with one sentence.
> Then said I looked forward to chatting with them Sunday and ended the conversation.
> Was I wrong to even speak with her? I wonder if what I said about the "appreciation" portrays me as weak-minded? I have these thoughts because I have read the article, No more Mr. Nice Guy. And looking back at my response, I wonder if I was once again being a "Mr. Nice Guy" or if I was just being civil?


Yes you have been again Mr nice guy and made yourself a door mat again, not only that you did not expressed your dissatisfaction from her actions (or luck off) on the matter of CS or Video Chats, you thanked her for doing you a "favor" and letting the kids speak to you on the phone, don't you see something wrong with this picture?, she has no consequences to anything she does to you, she keeps walking all over you all the time and you do nothing about it, no wonder she does not honor any of her agreements with you, wake up man, she will keep doing that until you will wake up one day and slap her hard, she has no respect to you so how would expect her to honor her agreements, sheesh:slap:


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## Shooboomafoo

Urrmmm... If any money at all is being exchanged in terms of child support, and you are NOT divorced yet, I would revisit that! Whose paying who for child support prior to divorce? 
Aside from the purposes and intent, as noble as they may be, absolutely none of that money is thru the system, i.e. the attorney general, so according to the state, no one has paid anything.


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## papa5280

keko said:


> When you get the kids back, don't do video chats until she catches up on CS.


I disagree 100% with this one. OP needs to keep meeting his obligations under the decree, or else it lets her off the hook. Get the agreement changed, if that's the right solution, but until it is, he needs to stick to the letter of it.


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## Shooboomafoo

So, no responses for any of my posts. I guess being in the same town you are, and having gone thru the entire process in the same state and county you are, is not relevant?

Backing out of this thread.


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## ferndog

Shooboomafoo said:


> So, no responses for any of my posts. I guess being in the same town you are, and having gone thru the entire process in the same state and county you are, is not relevant?
> 
> Backing out of this thread.


You posted once here. 4 hours ago and you want a fast response.
Maybe the guy's at work. Maybe he is living his life today. 
Your a little demanding I believe (this is not a good quality)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

ferndog said:


> You posted once here. 4 hours ago and you want a fast response.
> Maybe the guy's at work. Maybe he is living his life today.
> Your a little demanding I believe (this is not a good quality)
> 
> No, not at all. This isnt the first post by the guy, nor the first reply by myself.
> 
> Relevant information, as opposed to questions from people all over the world??
> 
> The guys not even divorced yet, and people are talking about child support payments, and obligations under the decree..
> 
> Hey, but your post was helpful, so thanks.


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## ferndog

Ok. Then this is messy and will continue to be for a while
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Shooboomafoo said:


> No, not at all. This isnt the first post by the guy, nor the first reply by myself.
> 
> Relevant information, as opposed to questions from people all over the world??
> 
> The guys not even divorced yet, and people are talking about child support payments, and obligations under the decree..
> 
> Hey, but your post was helpful, so thanks.


He's been divorced for at lest a couple of months now.

She's supposed to be paying him child support and has apparently stopped paying it.

My bet is that he's busy today. The children spent the last few weeks out of state with their mom and the OM (not live-in-boyfriend). The children are returning home today from the summer away.


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## Houstondad

Hey everyone. I'm not sure why things suddenly went south on this thread. But today has been impossible to get on because I'm back to work today at my school. I will say more later because I'm sending this via phone. And Ele is right. Been divorced for 2 months. But while the CS agency here in Texas drags its feet, my ex doesn't feel she has to pay until the CS agency sends her the green light. She could send me $$ now if she wanted but is using an inept govt agency's slow process to not pay for now. Gotta go. 
Shoo- please don't bail yet man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Sorry. To all you guys. 
You'd think after a year I wouldnt still have the days of blinding fury, and then taking it out on everyone like a child. I apologize.
Not doing so well.


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## ferndog

Shooboomafoo said:


> Sorry. To all you guys.
> You'd think after a year I wouldnt still have the days of blinding fury, and then taking it out on everyone like a child. I apologize.
> Not doing so well.


It happens. As long as you focus on yourself and can admit your faults then your doing ok.
So you won't feel like the only one "I'm needy, stubborn, angry"
No room for my bad qualities wink wink 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad

I'm certain all of us understand each other because it's easy to empathize with each other because our stories have so many similarities. I'm going through the rollercoaster of emotions too. I was in denial/shock for a long time. then anger set in and now I am dealing with trying to forgive myself and ultimately my EX. But that part is very hard for me and the more I look deeper the more emotional I get. Regret and anger show up too. 
So I agree with ferndog. It's normal to go Through this and it's a healthy sign when you can take responsibilities for your actions. I'm in that place of accepting my responsibility in my life too. 

As for my communication with my EX. I need to be more honest and not try to cover up my true feelings with being too nice. What I need to learn is being tactful, short and to the point and without being a prick or a Mr. Nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

H-Dad,

Part of the recovery from codependence is to get angry.

Let's face it. You got pushed around. For years.

As you realize all that's happened, there WILL be flashes of anger.

Forgive yourself for those - and resolve them.

You too Shoo!


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## Houstondad

Conrad said:


> H-Dad,
> 
> Part of the recovery from codependence is to get angry.
> 
> Let's face it. You got pushed around. For years.
> 
> As you realize all that's happened, there WILL be flashes of anger.
> 
> Forgive yourself for those - and resolve them.
> 
> You too Shoo!


I feel a bit daft here. My flashes of anger are at myself now based on regret and dissapointment in myself. I do need to forgive myself and I am getting close. But resolving them is the tricky part. How?


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## Shaggy

I think when you are ready, that bringing a new woman that is kind and giving into your life will also help you heal by giving you hope and companionship, right now for so long you have been waging the war and day to day living all on your shouders.


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> I feel a bit daft here. My flashes of anger are at myself now based on regret and dissapointment in myself. I do need to forgive myself and I am getting close. But resolving them is the tricky part. How?


Are you in counseling?


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## Houstondad

Not as much as I should be. Once a month. But I happen to see my counselor tomorrow. She's the best but is very expensive which is why I don't go nearly enough. Maybe I should see someone who is cheaper and take the risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> Not as much as I should be. Once a month. But I happen to see my counselor tomorrow. She's the best but is very expensive which is why I don't go nearly enough. Maybe I should see someone who is cheaper and take the risk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she can give you a referral.. or cut a deal.


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## Houstondad

Conrad said:


> Maybe she can give you a referral.. or cut a deal.


I'll try that. Thanks.


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> I'll try that. Thanks.


Cash prices are now often less than insurance "copays"


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## Houstondad

Acquiring as much patience as possible right now. My EX who was terrible with providing video chats for me and the kids and failed to host it this past Sunday is magically on video chat and ready to chat now that the kids are back home with me. Patience 2.0 baby.


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## ferndog

She is disconnected. She doesn't see this as anything wrong. She forgot or doesn't even imagine what it must be for you in this situation. Just always keep it about the kids not her personal life (job, boyfriend etc) or your anger will build
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad

ferndog said:


> She is disconnected. She doesn't see this as anything wrong. She forgot or doesn't even imagine what it must be for you in this situation. Just always keep it about the kids not her personal life (job, boyfriend etc) or your anger will build
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the reminder. It's so easy to let my emotions get the best of me. It comes in waves and not as much as they used to. I still struggle with being able to forgive her and I find myself at times imagining the karma bus slamming right into her. That's all coming from my emotions. I know the right thing to do is let all of that go and just get on with my life and the kids. But that's exactly why it's harder. Having kids with her has created lifelong connection with a psycho-EX.


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## Conrad

Houstondad said:


> Acquiring as much patience as possible right now. My EX who was terrible with providing video chats for me and the kids and failed to host it this past Sunday is magically on video chat and ready to chat now that the kids are back home with me. Patience 2.0 baby.


I would purposefully let a couple of them slide - until she makes an issue out of it.


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