# I Need Sleep Before I Make a Rash Decision...



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I've been under a bit of stress lately. 

On 11/06 I was laid off after 16 years employment.
My wife then has a HUGE kidney stone develop ( I have a severance package that fortunately gives me 6 months medical among other things)

For the past 2 weeks since her agonizing stone...I have had my life on hold as I have devoted myself to her care. I haven't even really been able to begin a job search given the miles I've been driving to and from the hospital.

I have been sleep deprived, I've lost 8 pounds in one week. My wife's surgery was unsuccessful.

I came down with a very bad cold and have been pretty much laid up all day, but when my wife called to me for help, I was there. She was nauseous and had a severe migraine. I helped her in the bathroom as she thought she was going to vomit, but I got her to bed and administered a compazine suppository for the nausea and an imitrex for the migraine.

After a couple of hours of caring for her (bringing her both and percocet for pain) we settled down to watch a program...that I had forgot to record.

And that was when I was told "Why can't you ever just STFU and do what I tell you to do because everything would be great if you did!!!"

Yeah...despite her pain I yelled at her about how demeaning that was.

Tomorrow, I pick up my $50,000 dollar severance check and after this...after what I have been doing.

I really want to say "C-Ya!"

I know it is emotion talking, I need to vent, but that was uncalled for.

In other words..."It hurt deeply."


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

And no I won't do it because I love her, but it hurt. This may be selfish, but I have been caring for her 24/7...no lie. Am I being selfish?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Nope, it is okay to feel hurt and want to separate to protect yourself. Love makes you stay even if the one hurting you is the one you love.

And, as much as you like to care for your wife, you should take care of yourself first. No point in two unhealthy people.

Ask for help.

When she is in less distress, be honest with her about your feelings. She needs to be aware of how her actions hurt you.

What she said was not cool.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Nope, it is okay to feel hurt and want to separate to protect yourself. Love makes you stay even if the one hurting you is the one you love.
> 
> And, as much as you like to care for your wife, you should take care of yourself first. No point in two unhealthy people.
> 
> ...


Thank you my friend.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

By the time the IRS taxes you that $50k will be $25k. Won't last as long as you think 

Is she normally snippy?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> By the time the IRS taxes you that $50k will be $25k. Won't last as long as you think
> 
> Is she normally snippy?


The amount is adjusted and I am very employable despite my age. She does have an edge and I can usually deflect that...thus my statement that I am beaten down from what I've experienced and I really need to decompress before I do and say a stupid thing like "I'm outta here.". She really didn't like it when I raised my voice to her and when she vocalized her discontent my retort was "Too fvcking bad cuz you're gonna hear me because I have devoted myself for these past few weeks exclusively to you." Yeah...I'm am a raw nerve at this point.

Anyway...I could never do it given her condition at the moment, nor would I under any other circumstances. She too is under tremendous pain and stress as well and I need to take that into consideration.

I just needed to vent because it really hurt me.

This is me learning how to deal with relationships and I'm in this for the long haul...but I'm still learning. The old MR would've done something far more devastating than simply venting on a forum.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MR, I agree with you I think what she said was way disrespectful but you also have to put it in context.

Being human, when we are in pain or under stress, our patience levels are very low, so you are both a bit 'touchy', would let it go but hopefully it is not a regular thing?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

She is in pain, you are tired and stressed, let this one go and just get on with life. Things will be good again


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> And no I won't do it because I love her, but it hurt. This may be selfish, but I have been caring for her 24/7...no lie. Am I being selfish?


No.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're hurt and feeling unappreciated after taking such good care of her - completely understandable. Some people do better with less care. When I married, my Mom warned my husband that should I get sick to just do the bare minimum and then leave me alone. Maybe chat with her to determine how much care she wants.

I can guarantee that she feels about as high as a snake's belly for going off on you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> I can guarantee that she feels about as high as a snake's belly for going off on you.


I agree. And from what you've said about your wife before, I'm surprised at this outburst. 

You have every right to FEEL hurt. What you do with it makes the man, though .


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think we all have said horrid things when we're in tremendous pain. What she said would've hurt my feelings. I suffer from severe migraines, too. Not an excuse for your wife talking to you the way she did, but im another person when I get a migraine. I know what's coming, but it's still scary as hell.

Give her a pass. Life pretty much sucks a bag of ****s right now. For both of you. STA is so right, how you deal with this is what makes you a man. You've evolved so much as a husband, you'll be ok. When things settle down, tell her how she made you feel.

I know it sounds trite, but I mean it when I say, chin up. It'll get better.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It's called care giver burn out and it's perfectly normal and human.

For her, pain makes people mean and aggressive. This isn't her normal is it? Neither is it yours.

You are both exhausted, stressed and frustrated. It happens, you both are human.

Why haven't the doctors tried breaking up the kidney stone with ultra sonic waves (radio waves are usually very effective in breaking up kidney stones and usually the first go to as well before surgery).

Kidney stone hurt... A LOT. I'd say they are worse than labour and right up there with abscesses of the teeth.

You both are human. It happens. Stop beating yourself up for being human.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MR, I think you know this isn't the way to make a life-altering decision. Wait until she's mended and you de-stress and try to talk with her.

Of course it was a hurtful thing to say. 
People do and say things when they are sick and hurt. When my ex was in the hospital with his MI, he literally slugged me in the face. He'd never done anything like that before. And he swore it never happened. Since he honestly doesn't remember much of his hospital stay, I had to believe him. If he'd done that at any other time during our marriage, the police would have dragged his a$$ away. 

So my suggestion is to heal yourself from the stress, let your wife recover, then calmly talk to each other.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Feeling unappreciated is the worst... Hopefully the clouds will part soon and you can both talk openly about it. 

And not selfish.

(((Hugs)))


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> I think we all have said horrid things when we're in tremendous pain. What she said would've hurt my feelings. I suffer from severe migraines, too. Not an excuse for your wife talking to you the way she did, but im another person when I get a migraine. I know what's coming, but it's still scary as hell.
> 
> Give her a pass. Life pretty much sucks a bag of ****s right now. For both of you. STA is so right, how you deal with this is what makes you a man. You've evolved so much as a husband, you'll be ok. When things settle down, tell her how she made you feel.
> 
> I know it sounds trite, but I mean it when I say, chin up. It'll get better.




Just to echo what Lucy999 said when I have a migraine I am not my normal self. Your wife has been in so much pain and throwing a migraine on it has her nerves raw. When I am like that I am a pit viper if you get too close. I'm not trying to excuse her behavior just letting you know like @Blondilocks said I am sure she feels pretty low about it.

I know you are on edge too with everything you have been going through plus caring for her. You just have to pull together and cut each other some slack, this will pass.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

thanks everyone for your concerns and suggestions. We're good today...just needed some sleep. And yes, we're both just ground down to a nub. She didn't actually apologize for the remark this morning and I didn't bring it up, but she did hug me and tell me she loves me. Of course I reciprocated.

I just never really heard something like that out of her ever before. I did have her heavily medicated though.

Thanks again my friends.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> thanks everyone for your concerns and suggestions. We're good today...just needed some sleep. And yes, we're both just ground down to a nub. She didn't actually apologize for the remark this morning and I didn't bring it up, but she did hug me and tell me she loves me. Of course I reciprocated.
> 
> I just never really heard something like that out of her ever before. I did have her heavily medicated though.
> 
> Thanks again my friends.


MR, the combo of severe pain, anxiety and no sleep is enough to make anyone snap and say things they don't mean. She is also heavily medicated so she might not even realize just how hurtful she was. I know you know this. You are both doing the best you can and right now you've got all of the burden on your shoulders, but it is temporary so keep reminding yourself of that.

I'm sorry you are both under so much stress right now. You have all of us sending good thoughts for her speedy recovery and you getting back to work. Hang in there...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> thanks everyone for your concerns and suggestions. We're good today...just needed some sleep. And yes, we're both just ground down to a nub. She didn't actually apologize for the remark this morning and I didn't bring it up, but she did hug me and tell me she loves me. Of course I reciprocated.
> 
> I just never really heard something like that out of her ever before. I did have her heavily medicated though.
> 
> Thanks again my friends.


When my mom was in the hospital a few years ago, they gave her two drugs on different schedules during the day. One drug made her chatty and relaxed, and the other drug made her irritable, super irritable in a way I'd _never _seen from her before. Just something to keep in mind.


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