# Can't stand him, don't want to move



## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

Been married for a long time and I now can't stand my husband. I highly suspect him of cheating on me with a coworker several years ago (some mighty big red flags), but no concrete proof, and he won't confirm it when confronted with it (my big mistake in confronting without solid proof).

Anyway, he's distant, controlling, gives me the cold shoulder and is just overall a jerk. Of course he's all nice with everyone else in real life.

We have an elementary age child and live in a house that I just adore. I don't want to move to a small apartment to get away from him, but everyday it is so tough to go on with my basic hatred of him. I don't want him to hold anything over me and take my child away from me, either.

Part of me wants to stick it out until my child is 18 and then hopefully I will have enough saved up to buy my own nice house in this same area. I work full time and make almost as much as he does, and he makes a great salary, so money is good so far.

Most of me wishes I could get proof of his cheating and/or proof of continued cheating so that I can at least stay in the house. However, he's a tough nut to crack and is very secretive (even hiring a PI didn't help because I waited too long and alerted him to my suspicions).

I'm trying to be civil for my child's sake, but it becomes difficult, especially when he's being a jerk. Anyone else go through this??

Edited to add: I've talked to him about doing counseling, but he refused to do marital counseling until he dealt with his "issues" (his words). He won't tell me what those issues are. He won't discuss anything in a civilized manner. My gut tells me that there is something seriously off about him, but I can't figure it out. My ideal situation would be to live next door to him for our child's sake, I'm that concerned about things being amicable for our child! We do pretty well as a family unit, but I just can't stand him myself and the lack of companionship and the ignoring of me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So you're staying for the money for right now then?

Stay for the money but be miserable and unhappy until your child turns 18 in 10+ years or get a divorce, be unhappy for a little bit and eventually have a happier life in the coming 10+ years.

So, how much money does it take to being miserable for the next 10+ years?

IMO, if he doesn't want to work on the marriage to help and fix it then just file for separation and eventually a divorce. Not a good thing for a child to grow up in a cold and unloving household, you'll both show love to the child but the child will sense the hatred and coldness between you and your husband.

BTW, I'm not getting on your case saying you're in it for the money only, that was only as a shock factor, trying to jolt you out of going with the flow and sucking it up.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Let's see, you love your house more than your marriage or improving the quality of your life with your child. He disrespects you, and does not confide in you.

What's wrong with this picture?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm sorry for all your frustrations... all I can say it "take matters into your own hands"....

You don't want to leave, for your own reasons. But do you also want to resolve the marriage \ fix it? If so, why not sit him down and call a truce? Tell him he needs to settle his "issues", and start treating you with respect and tell you what the problem is.

If he doesn't want to do that, tell HIM to move out.


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## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

No, you are both right - I'm trying to keep a stable environment for my child and don't want her to have to live in a small residence like I did growing up, but at the same time it can't be good for her either.

We live on a large property in a very nice area, so I wrestle with how much longer I can stand living with him in this area of paradise.

Keep the 2x4s coming!

Edited to add: Sometimes I wonder if he's making things intolerable so that I move out so that he can have the house to himself! We don't live in anything close to resembling a mansion, so the house isn't all that, but the area and the property size are what is great about living here. I'll try to talk to him, but it's extremely difficult to get him to answer questions without either walking off or turning back onto some issue of mine that's not really that much of an issue.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Improve your life, and your daughters life. If you can't do it through marriage counseling, then do it by filing, dividing the assets, and moving yourself and your daughter to a happier place.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have you done a mortgage assesement based on just your income? You can do that online. See how you could afford on your own. I bet you would be surprised to find that if you divorced, your share of this house plus your income means you could live a comfortable life. 

Please also consider that material things may mean more to some people than others. If you haven't lived in "peace", you might not see this... but there is a huge potential for INNER beauty and peace that you might not be getting. 

The satisfaction of having your own home (all yours), being indepdendent, being HAPPY, pursuing your own dreams, those are all things that make you a better PARENT. 

I understand the desire to not live in a small home like you did. But consider the thought ... was it "frowned upon"? Was your family poor and you didn't have 'status'? 

And why do you care what other people think about where you live?

Have you thought about considering it might be more productive to think ... what kind of person am I? Do I treat others well? Do I provide a good role model for my child as in how to handle conflict, and that the child feels love and warmth in the home?

Self esteem can come from material things and status.
But it doesn't have to.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry, another thought.

Do you consider the "what if's"....

What if his "issues" are financial, legal, or otherwise a factor in the beautiful home being gone tomorrow? What then?


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## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

deejov said:


> Sorry, another thought.
> 
> Do you consider the "what if's"....
> 
> What if his "issues" are financial, legal, or otherwise a factor in the beautiful home being gone tomorrow? What then?


That's my fear and why I feel so much anger towards him. My gut tells me that there is something big there, but I can't for the life of me figure it out, and he sure as hell won't tell me. I've been saving up my own money just in case, and I have a lot of family and friends nearby. I watch our accounts very closely and have an idea of what's going in and what's going out, at least what I KNOW we have.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Have you at least consulted an attorney? It seems to me you're making a lot of assumptions as to what will happen if you file first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

I did several years ago, and the attorney basically told me to suggest counseling first to see how that goes over and also gave me some basic information. However, that was before we had moved to our current location.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Dazed&confused85 said:


> I did several years ago, and the attorney basically told me to suggest counseling first to see how that goes over and also gave me some basic information. However, that was before we had moved to our current location.


find a better one

information is power and you may not be as bad off as you think if you file, what have you got to lose by finding out?


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## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

What I hate too is that some people, in response to me talking about my issues with my husband, have told me to find my own happiness while letting him be, without actually separating. I know that that is good advice for everyone, as I don't believe in spouses becoming completely wrapped up in each other and have never believed that, but basically everything else in my life DOES make me happy.

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, I love my job (most of the time!), my child is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love her more than anything in the world, and my pets make me very happy as well. My family in general makes me happy, with the few minor things and health issues here and there, but we all pretty much have great relationships with each other and are close.

The only thing that seems to bring me down is my marriage. Is it too much to expect a happy marriage? I've always been easygoing and try not to sweat the small stuff and consider myself to be a very compassionate and empathetic person, yet I realize that I am definitely not perfect and want to improve myself all of the time. I've always been the "cool" wife and let my husband have his own hobbies, but now it's gotten to the point that I already feel like a single mom, and frankly I prefer not having him tag along and having to act like a happy family.


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## Dazed&confused85 (Nov 15, 2011)

To me, it seems like he checked out of the marriage several years ago and that I have finally grown used to it within the last few years. However, he seems to be using the marriage for his own unknown purposes, and his parents are super overbearing and judgmental, so maybe that's a big reason why he's still here. Otherwise, his actions say that he wanted out many years ago.

I guess he wants me to be the bad guy so that he can remain fault-free to his parents. At least that's the way it seems to me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Not sure what you are expecting... 
Read your first post, if that helps. That's all the information anyone here has.
I can't stand my husband, I wish I could find proof that he is cheating... yet you refuse advice regarding "leave".

Are you looking for advice on how to live with someone that you can't stand?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There's no statistical evidence that a big house is better for children than an apartment. What matters the most is that you love your child. 

When your daughter is 25, she's not going to look back and say "well, my parents hated each other but that house we lived in was freaking awesome! It just made everything better!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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