# Furious.....It's & Understatement.



## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Well...Here. We. Go...
I've been Married 3yrs...Been with the same woman for 12yrs...I have a Daughter & my "Wife" is now 5mo. Pregnant. 

Here comes the drama....
Im no stranger to the "up's & down's" of a long term relationship. I told my "wife" before we got married that i didn't feel she was ready but after a horrible fight which ended the relationship she left...then returned 4days later & found out she was pregnant. I took it as a sign from GOD...And i told her that whatever happened between us needs to be put in a ditch and buried because we now have a new life entering the world and i refused to even consider an abortion after all our time invested. That reason was in FACT the deciding factor in taking the step into marriage. So that is what we did. Now.....when we got married my daughter was 1yrs old...she is now 4. She is everything i anticipated & i cannot express how vital it is that i am ALWAYS there for her & that our relationship is the best it can be. So i have made decisions in my life towards long term safety. I had a long career in the music biz. Made decent money, Took vacations with my "Wife" once every 6mo because i was on the road allot and i wanted to reassure her of what we have.

I am a good man. & without question or thought i know this. I cook, Clean, do laundry & take care of my daughter better than my "Wife" and i have taken the initiative t tell her she needs to do better.

I got laid off in 2008. I was on Unemployment for damn near 2yrs! In the realm of that occurrence allot of things stopped. The vacations, The spending all my money taking the family shopping & most of the night outs. I feel into a very very deep depression. Thankfully with the help of my Mother & unfortunately not from my "wife" i dug myself somewhat out of that ditch. Things aren't the Best for me but there moving & goals have been accomplished & i'm one step away from a full 360 in career choice & all. The ONLY reason i decided to change my career is because Long term it will Not be beneficial to my family so i decided to do something that would.

In October of 2010 we we served with court papers from our previous address because they claimed we moved out ahead of the lease & wanted back pay...Needless to say a judge 4mo prior allowed us a leave due to inspection issues that the building didn't pass in our apartment. When this occurred she told me that her girlfriend at work gave her the number to her finance who is a housing lawyer. Mid Nov a court date was set for Jan 2011. This date has passed and the judge threw out the court case....

My wife told me in Early Oct she was pregnant....Well i was in the kitchen cooking & my daughter ran in the kitchen saying Mommy is having a Baby holding a Pregnancy test! I at the time was still Unemployed & very much depressed...Not only was not working hurting me but so was the lack of sex & affection i was receiving in the house...I walked back into our room and i saw the strange look of total weirdness on my wifes face. Now i would think being a woman,married & with a child already she would be ecstatic even if i may have not been because of my current situation but she waited for me to respond and because it wasn't the response of jumping for joy she became upset...But i still was a little thrown off by her personal actions..

Let's move on.

Now Since that October things have been rough. She had numerous complications, losing rapid weight and more due to the early stages of pregnancy. In Late november into early Dec she was hospitalized at the request of her doctor. She stayed in about a week 1/2 maybe 2weeks. She regained her strength got back some weight & was put on various medications. The baby is fine and she was o.k and while she was in not only was i taking care of my daughter alone but i was strapped with less than $100 and still managed to handle the home. I used those 2 weeks to pound the pavement hard and ended up landing my current Job putting me steps closer to where i want to be.

Over the course of her Hospital stay i visited twice. Once alone & once on her B-day with my daughter where we bought her some balloons,flowers,cards & a small cake...It was all i could afford. Also please note the hospital she was in is about a 40-45min drive in an area where there is No parking unless your willing to shell up $15per hour or so.

Being i was on a budget,Had my daughter and all i honestly think i did the best i could...when she came home the place was Squeaky clean! i disinfected everything, did all the laundry,mopped and more....But i soon found out that night she was upset with me for not coming to see her more often at the hospital. I was floored. I mean i was really upset. I couldn't understand how that could be a complaint but i didn't argue because i figured its an emotional thing she was going threw since she was pregnant.

Now...Late Dec i began working..didn't get paid until the 2nd week of january,But our xmas was "o.k", i mean i hustled up funds from odd jobs and purchased ALL of my daughters Xmas gifts...I didn't get my wife anything nor did she get anything for me but i wasn't upset with that i figured if the baby has a great xmas thats what its all about. She was upset about not getting a gift...Whatever.I simply couldn't afford anything after buying toys, and filling the fridge.

Jan comes,the next line of biz is the court case, that got thrown out...I have been studying and working because my final goal is to get into the Military so i been hitting the books hard. Meanwhile there is little to NO sex going on at all...I would say there was 1 episode of Sex in October...Once in Feb...and thats it. I mentioned this to her and she said i was being inconsiderate of the fact that because of her Pregnancy she has no desiree to have sex. Now although i understand that the Man in me says..."Wtf about me?" Im cooking,cleaning,going to work and handling my business at home and i'm not rewarded at all with at least Oral sex..."

I just learned to deal with it even though i feel not only pathetic but Unwanted....All these feelings i have expressed to my wife.
I told her back in Dec i felt she has been acting weird. This experience is NOTHING like my first child. She is way more distant...sheltered almost. She has energy to run her mouth on her iPhone or Text but when the baby is put to sleep and the kitchen is cleaned & its time for alone time with me...she suddenly feels "sick" or she has fallen to sleep. I just dealt with it but i still felt like she has changed.

And NOTE if you Live with someone They can Sense every little change in Pattern regardless what it is!

Now here is where sh*t hits the fan.

Last week i was at home and i couldn't take it...i emailed my wife and said simply... "I NEED TO F*CK".
she replied 2hrs later "I'm On my way Home"
Now this is at about 1:45pm i leave for work at 3pm. But our daughter still needed to be picked up from school and we have 1 car...so when she got home she wasn't aggressive or made mention of my request and ended up taking the car & going to get our daughter.

by the time she got back i jumped in the car and speed off to work. 5min into my drive i realized she forgot her Cell phone in the car. It takes me about 30min to get to work...she called me about 4times asking if i found her phone in the car. 3hrs into work i had her phone on my desk and couldn't take it anymore....she has a password lock on it but i bypassed that and began to snoop around....Now this is WAYYYY out of my Character! I have NEVER done that but i couldn't help it i needed answers. I find a Voicemail in the deleted messages box of some guy asking for a call back and talking in a manner i know was inappropriate for a married woman! Then i find an email of her sending the same name contact that relayed info that i felt was disrespectful not only to me but to her family! 

That night when i got home at 3am after work before a "your home safe" or anything she once again asked me about the damn phone! I told her to wake up...i turned on the lights and looked her square in the face and asked her if there was anything she thought she wanted to tell me or get off her chest...she replied No. I asked her in all the years we have been together have i ever given her reason to not to trust me...she said No. I asked her didn't i ever tell you if for ANY reason if i did anything she was unpleased with, needed an adjustment on as far as attitude or physical appearance,sex etc just to let me know...She said Yes.....And i said ok so again....is there ANYTHING you may not want to tell me that you think i should know...She again said NO...

So i reach in my pocket...Pull out her phone & play the Voicemail...She has this shocked,Scared and dumb ass look on her face....I ask who is that?...She says "oh thats the lawyer my friend put me in contact with that helped "us" with the court case".....i say well thats not a business call so wtf is he calling you for and leaving a message like that?...she says...Yeah well he "Likes Me"..

W.T.F!

I said well why tha fck is he leaving you messages & doesn't he know your married? furthermore why haven't you told his Fiancee your "Friend" of this?

The entire conversation was bull****.
No real answers until the next day where i discovered she sent him an email saying She cannot provide what he is ready for and she is "Slowly making a decision he has already made" and the kicker..."I will give you back the bracelet & the money" and let's not forget "I see you called i was out with the family & couldn't talk"

I also found out that this guy gave her a "Couple of hundred of dollars" & She even let this guy come see her at the Hospital when she was there back in december! I myself ended up calling this ******* who hung up the phone twice after i announced who i was then after a failed attempt of getting tough on the phone he calmed his ***** ass down once i told him his home address & work and let him know if he didn't hear what i had to say i would pay one of those a visit! He claims nothing Physical ever happened and so does she but SORRY NO MAN IS GIVING UP a "Couple of Hundred" of dollars after 4mo of No physical contact weather a F*ck or a Kiss!

So here is where i am stuck.
I told her that i have doubts that that is my Child she is carrying! She claims that i am wrong.

But i say if this guy doesn't know your pregnant then i fell like the only reason u may have stopped this sh*t is because you were starting to show...OR it is his child, you didn't tell him and decided to put this on ME!

Also i feel since she has the ability to look me square in the face & flat out LIE in conjunction with the fact that she was so distant etc...i don't believe anything she says...the Trust is 100% GONE!

And im scheduled to enter the military and go into Basic training & advanced training for 4mo in 30days.... 

I can only imagine wtf will be going on when i am away & alli care about is my daughter who will end up suffering the most out of this.

What tha f*ck should i do?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Say nothing, do nothing... 

Before you do anything, you must make a decision. 

Before you make a decision you must be in a strong state of mind.

Get in a strong state of mine... a few deep breaths, look at this as an outsider, as though you were reading this on the boards for the first time...

Take your anger , sorrow, frustration and set it aside for 20 minutes.. just 20 minutes. and make a strong decision

Your choices are simple...

Make it work, do not make it work...

You have 20 minutes, calm, objective, at peace minutes.. to make this simple choice.

When you make that choice, every single action you take after that point should be in honor of that decision.

My heart goes out to you brother. MEVER make a decision froma weak minded perspective. But make the choice before any action is taken, any word is spoken.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are going through all of this though.

There's plenty of good advice to be found on various threads in this section. Plus, you may find the following site to be helpful at this stage. AffairCare Home

Hang in there!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Number 1, you're wrong for marrying a woman you apparently didn't love. Number 2, you're wrong for only visiting your wife twice over a two week hospital stay. Number 3, letting Christmas go by without at least some sort of gift for your wife is asking for trouble. Number 4, a couple hundred to a lawyer isn't all that much money and "yes", sometimes people give gifts to women without expecting or receiving sex. I have helped female friend (non-romantic, non-sexual) with a little money just cause I know her and her family are struggling financially. The gift of the bracelet seems like a romantic gesture, however. If she has found some attention from another guy, you think maybe you're partly to blame cause it sounds like you haven't exactly been showering her with affection. If she hadn't become pregnant, would you have married her anyway? Look at your words. She's upset cause her husband only visits her twice while she's in the hospital due to complications cause she's having his baby. Your reaction is that she must be nutzo because she's pregnant and she has no legitimate gripe because you're a "good man". She's upset (like any wife would be) when you didn't get her anything for Christmas. Your reaction? "Whatever." You're upset cause you're not getting laid very often between Oct and Feb (including 2 weeks in December when she's in the hospital)? Sorry, but you seem very clear about your own needs but pretty callous about her's. Any pregnant woman needs a little extra attention and consideration. Yours is apparently having a difficult, problematic pregnancy. Think she might have some emotional needs herself?


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Number 1, you're wrong for marrying a woman you apparently didn't love. Number 2, you're wrong for only visiting your wife twice over a two week hospital stay. Number 3, letting Christmas go by without at least some sort of gift for your wife is asking for trouble. Number 4, a couple hundred to a lawyer isn't all that much money and "yes", sometimes people give gifts to women without expecting or receiving sex. I have helped female friend (non-romantic, non-sexual) with a little money just cause I know her and her family are struggling financially. The gift of the bracelet seems like a romantic gesture, however. If she has found some attention from another guy, you think maybe you're partly to blame cause it sounds like you haven't exactly been showering her with affection. If she hadn't become pregnant, would you have married her anyway? Look at your words. She's upset cause her husband only visits her twice while she's in the hospital due to complications cause she's having his baby. Your reaction is that she must be nutzo because she's pregnant and she has no legitimate gripe because you're a "good man". She's upset (like any wife would be) when you didn't get her anything for Christmas. Your reaction? "Whatever." You're upset cause you're not getting laid very often between Oct and Feb (including 2 weeks in December when she's in the hospital)? Sorry, but you seem very clear about your own needs but pretty callous about her's. Any pregnant woman needs a little extra attention and consideration. Yours is apparently having a difficult, problematic pregnancy. Think she might have some emotional needs herself?


:scratchhead:
#1 I never said I didn't Love her. I have been with this Woman over 10yrs buddy. I have given EVERYTHING i have for this woman & my family.

#2 Am i really that wrong for not being in the hospital Everyday? Note there was NO emergency the doctor wanted to run test and keep her as a precaution...It was i who made the suggestion in the first damn place and before the complications got really bad she was diagnosed.

#3 So Christmas is all about Gifts as well huh? Well sorry for thinking it was best to make sure our child has yet another fond memory of christmas and as adults we would be o.k with the fact that were all together and under a roof.

#4 Wtf do you mean a couple of hundred to a lawyer...Maybe you should read slowly next time! The Fcking Lawyer Gave Her MONEY & She excepted it!

I don't know if your married but bottom line is this... "For Better or For Worst" and i don't give 2 sh*ts how unhappy you are in your home the Option to give attention to someone other than the person you are married too is DEAD WRONG! Especially when i made constant note to give her the platform to always express how she feels about anything going on under our roof. 

Further more this woman is on her 3rd Passport because of me. We took more vacations than most couples 3 times over & every holiday i showered her with gift....But now things have changed....My income, Job profession and the fact that we have a daughter and i cannot do the things i used to AT THIS TIME Financially and now there is a problem and i am to blame?

Wow....Un-F*cking Believable.

Thanks for that advice.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Say nothing, do nothing...
> 
> Before you do anything, you must make a decision.
> 
> ...




*****

Thanks man. Your the 3rd person to give me this same advice.
Im trying....Im really really trying.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

So very sorry for the situation you are in.
If I understand correctly, you are not certain if you are the father?

This can certainly make the decision making harder.
How can u make the decision without knowing this?

Can you get paternity testing before birth?
Is it possible for you to shelve the decision to you learn paternity?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You'd be surprised what some people won't forgive. I had cancer and my wife did not/could not/refused to visit me in the hospital once. I've never been interested in those excuses.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Christmas isn't about money but it is traditional that a husband acknowledge his wife by some means, even if he had to make something. To make no effort would be unacceptable and would be a significant indication that you did not care. There is a wide difference between visiting one's pregnant wife in the hospital "every day" and one who shows up only twice. In the context I intended, I should have written "money, to an attorney" describing the value of a sum of money as would be perceived by an attorney. It isn't "right" that a neglected, unhappy woman turn her attention to another man but it is sadly predictable. If you want validation, ok, "you're great and deserve better." "She's a horrible waste of a human being." A marriage very rarely fails without the complicity of both parties. Blaming her probably feels better but it isn't likely to give you any opportunity for growth.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Christmas isn't about money but it is traditional that a husband acknowledge his wife by some means, even if he had to make something. To make no effort would be unacceptable and would be a significant indication that you did not care. There is a wide difference between visiting one's pregnant wife in the hospital "every day" and one who shows up only twice. In the context I intended, I should have written "money, to an attorney" describing the value of a sum of money as would be perceived by an attorney. It isn't "right" that a neglected, unhappy woman turn her attention to another man but it is sadly predictable. If you want validation, ok, "you're great and deserve better." "She's a horrible waste of a human being." A marriage very rarely fails without the complicity of both parties. Blaming her probably feels better but it isn't likely to give you any opportunity for growth.



wow... just wow.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Christmas isn't about money but it is traditional that a husband acknowledge his wife by some means, even if he had to make something. To make no effort would be unacceptable and would be a significant indication that you did not care. There is a wide difference between visiting one's pregnant wife in the hospital "every day" and one who shows up only twice. In the context I intended, I should have written "money, to an attorney" describing the value of a sum of money as would be perceived by an attorney. It isn't "right" that a neglected, unhappy woman turn her attention to another man but it is sadly predictable. If you want validation, ok, "you're great and deserve better." "She's a horrible waste of a human being." A marriage very rarely fails without the complicity of both parties. Blaming her probably feels better but it isn't likely to give you any opportunity for growth.



So pretty much what your saying is to keep a wife you better have the finance to make her happy at all times otherwise she may turn her attention to someone who has that capability?


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

bluesky said:


> So very sorry for the situation you are in.
> If I understand correctly, you are not certain if you are the father?
> 
> This can certainly make the decision making harder.
> ...


I haven't made a decision because children are in play and for the sake of there happiness i will live in misery.

I cannot obtain a paternity test until the baby is born. & the reason why i question if i am the father is because she claims she met this guy 2 weeks after she found out she was pregnant but she looked me in the face and lied about 6 different things already so i don't believe that.

Im not just gonna get up & leave my daughter...that wont happen...I just am stuck..i have no idea what to do.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You'd be surprised what some people won't forgive. I had cancer and my wife did not/could not/refused to visit me in the hospital once. I've never been interested in those excuses.


I did visit her.
Her reason was not life threatening... but thats irrelevant i did go to the hospital...just not as frequent as she felt i should. Further more i just wanna be clear that she wouldn't tell me of any complications i had to find this out on my own...Our first child she had the same symptoms...Morning sickness etc...i saw no deference except this time around she was very sheltered and almost selfish with her actions...

Either way i did what i could.
So i guess me not coming to the hospital with my daughter as often as she wanted warranted her to invite the guy she was having an affair with. hmmmm ok i see now.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Just an update...
This all happened last week Thursday.
The last argument was this past Saturday.

She has yet to say a word to me since. Almost as this is my fault. Not an apology or even an attempt to reconcile the situation.

I don't give a sh*t what anyone says.... I cannot see where i was at fault for this.

Not having the financial resources i once had and having severe depression etc didn't hinder me from taking care of my home or my child...the only things that changed was the gifts,additional shopping & ability to go out more often.

Whatever....
It is what it is.

But this is bullsh*t. I swear you cant trust anyone these days.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

SD - if she's anything like my wife - she wanted you to be there as often as physically possible. She is you wife - it is the hospital - regardless of life or death circumstances. 

She probably wanted you so she would feel secure. 

Might want to cut her some slack and just love her and get some MC when you can - even if it's only you going.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> SD - if she's anything like my wife - she wanted you to be there as often as physically possible. She is you wife - it is the hospital - regardless of life or death circumstances.
> 
> She probably wanted you so she would feel secure.
> 
> Might want to cut her some slack and just love her and get some MC when you can - even if it's only you going.


Did anyone read anything else that i wrote?

Im starting to think just because i didn't get to this hospital more frequently her actions of having an affair was justified!?

She clearly started this affair with this guy months before she was even in the hospital!

WTF!

How about the 12yrs prior i did everything + for this woman? This isn't my first time going threw a pregnancy because we had a child before and i was waiting hand & foot on her! she didn't have to do ANYTHING!

Wow...Im just floored by this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stone_Dagger said:


> So pretty much what your saying is to keep a wife you better have the finance to make her happy at all times otherwise she may turn her attention to someone who has that capability?


Wait a while- this mans wife betrayed him, why is he being castigated? First things first, she is the one that is responsible 100% for the current problems brought by her EA or PA. Any problems they might have had leading up to this are important but only after the cheating is fully resolved. She is being deceitful to her husband and lacks compassion for him. The thing about a gift at holiday time and going to the hospital to visit her are smoke sceens. She had the other man at the hospital so was obviously involved with him at the time. She was disturbed enough about his not coming to see her that she deney herself the privilage to see the OM. 
Dagger will you stay with her no matter what she does or are you going impose conditions? Read the section of the forum on infidelity and follow the advice given there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

SD - I did read your post - I'm not in anyway condoning or agreeing with the line of reasoning that she had an affaird because you did not go to the hospital. 

MAybe waiting on her hand & foot was not giving her what she needed? I don't know - I don't know you - I can only go by what you wrote here. 

I can see that you're angry as hell and are in no mood to forgive. Now notice - I said forgive - NOT FORGET. There is a difference.

Also sounds like you're holding on to some very bitter resentment. I hear you - I do. Resentment will get you nowhere. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. 

Ifyouwant to end it go ahead - if you want to save it - go ahead. Your choice.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> SD - I did read your post - I'm not in anyway condoning or agreeing with the line of reasoning that she had an affaird because you did not go to the hospital.
> 
> MAybe waiting on her hand & foot was not giving her what she needed? I don't know - I don't know you - I can only go by what you wrote here.
> 
> ...


-----

Part of the reason why I'm upset is because this same thing happened years ago when we were just as Boyfriend/Girlfriend stages.
This was way before we had a child and way before we got married. I forgave her then! But I didn't forget a damn thing!

And it would be easy as hell to say I'm gonna leave or stay but again We have a Child. One who is very very close to me and that makes
The decision very complicated....Not to mention she is pregnant and I cannot make a decision until the baby is born aswell...

And again I go into the Military in a month...I will be away for 4mo. So I have no idea what will be taking place in my home when I'm away.

I'm fcking screwed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> I don't give a sh*t what anyone says.... I cannot see where i was at fault for this.
> 
> Not having the financial resources i once had and having severe depression etc didn't hinder me from taking care of my home or my child...the only things that changed was the gifts,additional shopping & ability to go out more often.
> 
> ...


First off, Let me tell you that you are responsible for making her lose interest in you. 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHEATING HEART. 

There's an interesting documentary called "the science of sex appeal" a study was done that concludes that men are generally attracted to physical features... deeply rooted in the ability to procreate and such. Women are generally attracted to security. Women more often chose ugly guys with security over studly dudes with no means. So to answer you question about money... YES, it plays a factor. 

Think of her emotions as a bank... we make deposits, we make withdraws... gifts, compliments, services like chores, intimacy and quality time together are deposits... Fights, insults, neglect... those are withdraws.. Now while you are probably overdrawn by the lack of deposits and abundance of withdraws... this other guy has been making lots of deposits in her bank... The sad truth here, is that she went for the better investment. But the responsibility for freezing your account was her choice. 

You didn't make her cheat, you made her feel like crap. Anyone can make more deposits, it is all the paperwork you have to do to unfreeze the account hat is the real struggle.

For those professional therapists out there... the answer is YES. (you know what i mean)


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Wait a while- this mans wife betrayed him, why is he being castigated? First things first, she is the one that is responsible 100% for the current problems brought by her EA or PA. Any problems they might have had leading up to this are important but only after the cheating is fully resolved. She is being deceitful to her husband and lacks compassion for him. The thing about a gift at holiday time and going to the hospital to visit her are smoke sceens. She had the other man at the hospital so was obviously involved with him at the time. She was disturbed enough about his not coming to see her that she deney herself the privilage to see the OM.
> Dagger will you stay with her no matter what she does or are you going impose conditions? Read the section of the forum on infidelity and follow the advice given there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you for your reply C602.
I don't know what to do at this point and I'm glad you understood my position.
Yes I too felt like she was using the hospital visit as an excuse...because when I found out she let this OM come see her there I was furious! 
I felt like she made me feel so bad at the fact that what I was capable of wasn't good enough meanwhile you were spending time with another guy who is Not your husband!

Further more I just feel used.
And not to mention the fact that she told this OM pretty much all of her Buisness...she spoke to another man about her home, the problems in it, about her husband and worst of all showed this Fck
Pictures of my daughter! WTF did she think this guy was just gonna float down on a major carpet and claim my entire family and fly off!?

Then she claims she broke it off once she realized his "intentions"...???.. I asked her was that before or after she excepted the bracelet and the money which she says she used to buy a few things for herself....yeah I guess the fact that she didn't get anything for christmas but a full fridge of food,rent paid and bills paid wasn't good enough and she was upset at the fact I spent all my funds on my daughters toys.

Mind you Every Christmas since she was born I am
The Only one who buys the gifts on Christmas.

But whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> yeah I guess the fact that she didn't get anything for christmas but a full fridge of food,rent paid and bills paid wasn't good enough and she was upset at the fact I spent all my funds on my daughters toys.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya know I have had a few of those Xmas times when i was broke... It is part of the ups and downs of married life. 

If at all possible, can you think about her when she is not around you or the kid? for a second imagine her with her friends.. I mean is she really that material all the time?

The hospital thing was a major screw up for both of you... You didnt show up, she calls in the BF... what a mess. Sounds like she has a severe case of the ME ME ME syndrome and not enough of the "WE" in marriage.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

SD- I thankyou fro your upcoming service to our country. I too am a Vet. Yes - the next four months are going to be hell on you anyway. 

What Branch?

Either way - you're going to come out of this a changed man. The military has a way of doing that to people. They teach you to forget the old way of doing things and re-teach you the correct way to do things. 

As far as what will be happening while you are in - 

line up certain things or people you can rely on to help with the baby. If you have someone that can keep an eye out for POSOM (Piece of SHeeite Other Man) too - that would be great. 

Figure out how you'll communicate while you are in Basic and then at School afterwards. Depending on the Branch of Service - I feel for you man - could be Afghan or Iraq - not a pleasure cruise. 

I wish you well...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dagger What kind of support do you have in place? You are going to basic training in a month and will be away 4 months, I believe you said. Do you have a trusted family member or friend to talk to and who will look out for your family?

This is a very stressful transitional time for you and your family. Dealing with infidelity at this time makes it especially hard. 

I may help to read some of the info on infidelity on this forum. Cheaters lie, lie, lie. Even with proof they lie. It is hard to understand how a person can look in your face and continue to lie but that is what happens. You will not get the truth until you get a picture. 

It helps to know that. They try to make you think you are crazy or paranoid or mean to them, it is all smoke and mirrors to hide the cheating.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Number 1, you're wrong for marrying a woman you apparently didn't love. Number 2, you're wrong for only visiting your wife twice over a two week hospital stay. Number 3, letting Christmas go by without at least some sort of gift for your wife is asking for trouble. Number 4, a couple hundred to a lawyer isn't all that much money and "yes", sometimes people give gifts to women without expecting or receiving sex. I have helped female friend (non-romantic, non-sexual) with a little money just cause I know her and her family are struggling financially. The gift of the bracelet seems like a romantic gesture, however. If she has found some attention from another guy, you think maybe you're partly to blame cause it sounds like you haven't exactly been showering her with affection. If she hadn't become pregnant, would you have married her anyway? Look at your words. She's upset cause her husband only visits her twice while she's in the hospital due to complications cause she's having his baby. Your reaction is that she must be nutzo because she's pregnant and she has no legitimate gripe because you're a "good man". She's upset (like any wife would be) when you didn't get her anything for Christmas. Your reaction? "Whatever." You're upset cause you're not getting laid very often between Oct and Feb (including 2 weeks in December when she's in the hospital)? Sorry, but you seem very clear about your own needs but pretty callous about her's. Any pregnant woman needs a little extra attention and consideration. Yours is apparently having a difficult, problematic pregnancy. Think she might have some emotional needs herself?


This ^.

I can tell you when I absolutely feel out of love with my first husband, was when I felt all alone when I was seriously ill. It was the last straw.

It is her fault if she cheated, but certainly she is not responsible for the demise of the relationship. Man up!!!!!!


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Syrum said:


> This ^.
> 
> I can tell you when I absolutely feel out of love with my first husband, was when I felt all alone when I was seriously ill. It was the last straw.
> 
> It is her fault if she cheated, but certainly she is not responsible for the demise of the relationship. Man up!!!!!!


*****
your entitled to your opinion and I respect it but truthfully replies like this make me sick to my stomach!
"Man Up"????

I have 3 very good friends all with multiple kids who have not made a commitment to any of there childrens mothers and think sending money here & there is cool for now...
I on the other hand decided to Get Married and be responsible and I'm being told "Man Up"????


Thanks.

How about Modern day Women....
Act like One.


If you take a vow honor the vow.
If **** gets rough at the home with your husband place all of your energy in fixing the issue and not in ****ing your legs open to another man (or woman) for a solution!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Dagger What kind of support do you have in place? You are going to basic training in a month and will be away 4 months, I believe you said. Do you have a trusted family member or friend to talk to and who will look out for your family?
> 
> This is a very stressful transitional time for you and your family. Dealing with infidelity at this time makes it especially hard.
> 
> ...


*********

The other day like a complete moron her cell phone called me by accident while she was talking to only GOD knows who and in such a open almost calm voice she says 
"Yeah it was my fault but you know I been threw a lot"....

The excuse mill is in play.

And yeah I have a brother who at the moment is furious about all of this and works for a law enforcement branch.
He found this guys information and he has been confronted.

But then again im not gonna go threw all of that...if she has the desire to see anyone else she can leave...all I ever asked was the respect of notification and that she doesn not by any means put forth my daughter in the presence of any man other than her father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> SD- I thankyou fro your upcoming service to our country. I too am a Vet. Yes - the next four months are going to be hell on you anyway.
> 
> What Branch?
> 
> ...


I'm going into the Army.
And given my MOS I'm certain I may have a deployment in the future but the family was my core reason for joining and she knew this.
Yeah I take it the next 4mo will be rough but it would have been easier if I knew things on the homefront were well.

I tell you...
This last year I did a complete 360...
I feel into a really deep depression when I lost my job in late 2009 and I gained weight and was mentally fcked up...
Since then I set a plan in motion and just about did everything I said I would do...
New Job.
New Career.
Lost 40lbs.
And the final piece was the military.

I swear on my existence my purpose for all of this was the long term benefits for my family.

She even told me a few weeks back that I was just doing this for "Myself"... I knew something was up when she said that...I couldn't believe it.
I said "do you really think I want to possibly put myself at risk by going to another country at war for myself?"


Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Ya know I have had a few of those Xmas times when i was broke... It is part of the ups and downs of married life.
> 
> If at all possible, can you think about her when she is not around you or the kid? for a second imagine her with her friends.. I mean is she really that material all the time?
> 
> The hospital thing was a major screw up for both of you... You didnt show up, she calls in the BF... what a mess. Sounds like she has a severe case of the ME ME ME syndrome and not enough of the "WE" in marriage.



I know I did what I could with the little I had at the time.
And I've come to the conclusion that I cannot be sorry for that.

But I feel the same way...
"We" is the understanding that's missing in this case.

And that is why I felt that she wasn't ready to get married even though she pushed & pushed for it for years...
"We"....

I remember once upon a time I told her that I didn't feel like a man in my own home.
I looked for improvement...was none so I tried to keep the lines of communication open as wide as possible...No change.

But I tell you when there is one....
If she feels wronged all Hell breaks lose.

Here is where this is really interesting...
Had the roles been reversed and I had done this to her...
Her mother and 4 sisters would be at the house packing her stuff and slinging dirt on me right this minute...
They know about it. And not one of them
Has said a word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Dagger What kind of support do you have in place? You are going to basic training in a month and will be away 4 months, I believe you said. Do you have a trusted family member or friend to talk to and who will look out for your family?
> 
> This is a very stressful transitional time for you and your family. Dealing with infidelity at this time makes it especially hard.
> 
> ...


That part about lying to my face I think really is what is hindering my will to work this out.
I asked her 4 times calm & straight in the eye to tell me the truth...and with a direct eye to eye and lame attempt at a convincing voice she lied.

Where I'm furious is had we not been married this all would have been easier to handle for me but being that we have known each other for so long and are Married I thought we were past this kind of Maury Povich type nonsense! 

I'm sorry but a husband & wife should never not have full Trust amongst each other.
And I told her at the Alter ... "Today everything starts over...It's a new Glass... Don't scratch the surface"

And she looked me in the face and lied.
Even with all this proof.

I read a quote that said..
"It takes years to build up Trust, and only suspicion not proof to destroy it"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> Here is where this is really interesting...
> Had the roles been reversed and I had done this to her...
> Her mother and 4 sisters would be at the house packing her stuff and slinging dirt on me right this minute...
> They know about it. And not one of them
> ...


Families are deal breakers IMO.

I hate to say it bud, but it sounds like you might have gone dumpster diving at the trailer park - when it comes to her family.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Families are deal breakers IMO.
> 
> I hate to say it bud, but it sounds like you might have gone dumpster diving at the trailer park - when it comes to her family.


What do you mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> What do you mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What i mean is that people who would do this : 

"Her mother and 4 sisters would be at the house packing her stuff and slinging dirt on me right this minute...
They know about it. And not one of them
Has said a word."

...are low class bottom of the barrel when it comes to family members. That's all


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> What i mean is that people who would do this :
> 
> "Her mother and 4 sisters would be at the house packing her stuff and slinging dirt on me right this minute...
> They know about it. And not one of them
> ...




I understand & I agree.
Funny thing is My family compared to hers is something I always joke about...
My family would be more like the Family in the old "Good Times" show vs Hers which is more like the "Huxtables" in the Cosby show...

Crazy thing is Her dad bailed on her when she was young so it's insane to me Tht she would possibly be the cause of the same fate for her own daughter.

Sigh...

Oh well.
I've been taking Your advice and listening to everything you all had to say...Positive & Negative...
I still don't know what I'm going to do but for now I'm just being silent.

The Gym is helping a lot and I'm shedding weight like crazy.
I'm feeling better but I just really feel betrayed.

And I'm upset that during a time when my Wife is pregnant I should also be able to enjoy the experience...instead I'm wondering if I'm gonna be the next idiot That got taken for granted on the Maury Povich show.

This Sucks.
It really does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

While families generally suck, they're not ALL dysfunctional. It's just loyalty being played out.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> While families generally suck, they're not ALL dysfunctional. It's just loyalty being played out.


"Loyalty"
No there is word that is on the endangered list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

She says: "Are you doing anything to do tonight?"
I say: No Why
She says: "Oh because my girlfriend invited me out to karaoke tonight so I'm taking the car"


.... Need I say anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Why aren't you going with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Why aren't you going with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wasn't invited for one and For me to go anywhere with her at this point in my opinion will further confirm the thought in her head that "This too shall pass".
She has yet to even approach me and Apologize or even explain herself! I don't even know WTF she is waiting on but this is typical...regardless if something was my fault or not in the past the one who always put an end to whatever the argument was or reconciled is and was ME. She will just wait it out, say nothing, hold out on sex or not cook etc until I approach her.


I'm not doing it again. I know it sounds petty but WTF dude I didn't have the Affair!
And I bet my life she doesnt think she had an Affair. Even that she won't admit.

Sigh...
I swear everytime I begin to calm myself I'm put on edge yet again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First, let me say that what your wife did was completely wrong. No matter what the problems were in the marraige,she should not have went outside the marraige. You are really angry and lashing out and what effectivley is happening is that you are wasting time being angry and you are the one who is leaving for boot camp and all the while thinking about the mess back at home.

Sit down for a minute,take a breath and think. Yes, I have read your posts and you sound like you were a supportive hubby,wined and dined her and now that the economy took a dive so did your marraige. 

Let's focus on the wife. She was wrong,,no argument there. But were you meeting her needs emotionally? If you project your attitude of I manned up and married her cause she got pregnant ,she would feel some resentment there. It seems that when things are good financially all is well, but when things took a nose dive,you and your wife lost what was most important,each other. I think there were a few issues and they got worse when some of the luxury items,such as dining out,shopping and having a good time started getting taken away. Hey, I sympathize with you on this one as I am in the same boat. But this is when you are supposed to support one another even more and back each other up. It is great you took care of the kid and made everything spotless for her when she returned home from the hospital. But she has hormones raging, scared about the baby,, and a hubby that didn't come see her all that often. She was lonely. It never occured to her not to let OM come to the hospital,she was bored and lonely and hey, he won a few brownie points for being there when you couldn't. Just think for a moment, could you not have asked a friend or family member to watch the kid and drop you off at the hospital? Wouldn't wife feel you cared more had you been there? My gram always says, people make excuses and can complain about everything under the sun on what didn't go their way. When if they really wanted to make it happen,they would have. See what I mean? As far as Christmas goes,yes, the child is most important,but could you have not really gotten her anything? One year we were so broke, I made a coupon book with different ummm,suggestions and hubby could redeem those at his leasure. Some were silly, a foot. Massage,a full body rub down, a bubble bath...etc..my hubby got me a pair of warm and cozy footie socks cause my feet are always freezing. They are still my favorite pair. She is the mother of your child and she would just like to feel appreciated too. You can't use the excuse you didn't know the baby is yours at that point. If you think you make her feel valued by saying what, food and rent aren't good enough for you? You are sadly mistaken.

I am not siding with your wife,but hoping you realize maybe things were off kilter and they just got worse when you were strained. I have dealt with depression, I know what a toll that can have on your paetner. Communication breaks down because they are afraid you might take it the wrong way or blow up. I bet if you asked her, she has a lot of built up frustration on you too because of depression. It is great you are climbing out of that hole and moving forward but did you really talk to her and make a decision together on how you were going about this?

I wish you all the luck and thank you for your upcoming service to our country. I pray that you will attempt to fix this as much as possible before you leave. You need to decide do you want to stay in the marraige, do you want to fight for it,what are your faults as well as hers(we all have em). What can you do to change as well as she. It takes two in a marraige to make it work as well as to make it fail, which way will you decide? God bless you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> First, let me say that what your wife did was completely wrong. No matter what the problems were in the marraige,she should not have went outside the marraige. You are really angry and lashing out and what effectivley is happening is that you are wasting time being angry and you are the one who is leaving for boot camp and all the while thinking about the mess back at home.
> 
> Sit down for a minute,take a breath and think. Yes, I have read your posts and you sound like you were a supportive hubby,wined and dined her and now that the economy took a dive so did your marraige.
> 
> ...


First thank you for your message.
I read it all...slowly.
And I understand what you are saying.


But for the life of me I just can't get over the Christmas issue being an issue at all.
For the record I didn't "Get" anything either. But I don't care about that & I told her about a month before that let's not exchange gifts because were both low on funds and let's just make sure the baby is cool.

The fact that I was with my family and safe & bills were paid before the new year came in was good enough for me and should have been good enough for my wife too.
I'm sorry but I just grew up I guess.

Also one of the hospital visits I did ask a family member to watch our daughter and I stayed with her for about 5hrs until the nurses said I had to go.

"Lonely" or not she obviously was having this affair before she was in the hospital so what difference does this all make?
If I went down there everyday I obviously couldn't be there 24/7 so if her intention was to let the OM come see her then she would have made that happen either way.
Fact of the matter is she should have Never allowed that. Period.

Now if you say your Grandmother says "People will make any excuse..."
Guess what...

Her thinking I had an affair because I was Lonely or because I'm pregnant and my hormones got me extra emotional or whatever is also an Excuse.

When your married...
The idea is to figure it out with your PARTNER.
No matter what it is...
That deal was solidified by the Man/Woman of the cloth that stood right in front of both of you and had you both recite the VOW'S!


I won't say that I don't understand and I won't list my personal emotions an how I felt lonely & neglected when I was depressed...
I don't feel she helped me threw that AT ALL...
But I didn't go have an affair to make Me feel comfort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I totally agree she was in the wrong. She not only cheated, she lied. Go back and read your posts. You are soooangry. You have every right to be that,but it isn't going to change things.

My hope was that you got a glimpse of what she may be thinking. My appendix ruptured when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. My hubby had to work and my mom had our son so I wasn't completly in your situation. Hubby didn't come every night as it was a 45 minute drive and an hour to get home. He was exhausted. I knew it in my head,that it only made sense but I still felt lonely and that hubby could care less about me or the baby. After the baby and I got my hormones under control,I realized how stupid it was and unreasonable. But at that time, I couldn't see that to save my life.

I am not justifying what she did, she made huge errors in judgement. 

You have to realize if you went through depression, she felt lonely too. You also felt neglected by her. These may have been the issues that got this going. When you went through depression, you were not thinking clearly either. 

It is a horrible situation. But there are always two sides and if she can look at your and you look at hers,it might help you. Go get the book Love Busters. It will help you. Also His Needs, Her needs, is a good book too. Nobody is perfect and we all make stupid mistakes. Sit down and find out what she is feeling and you be honest with her. It might suprise you that she felt in some ways just like you.

As far as Christmas goes, yea it is stupid. But if she feels lonely, or that you weren't there . The emotions still hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> I totally agree she was in the wrong. She not only cheated, she lied. Go back and read your posts. You are soooangry. You have every right to be that,but it isn't going to change things.
> 
> My hope was that you got a glimpse of what she may be thinking. My appendix ruptured when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. My hubby had to work and my mom had our son so I wasn't completly in your situation. Hubby didn't come every night as it was a 45 minute drive and an hour to get home. He was exhausted. I knew it in my head,that it only made sense but I still felt lonely and that hubby could care less about me or the baby. After the baby and I got my hormones under control,I realized how stupid it was and unreasonable. But at that time, I couldn't see that to save my life.
> 
> ...


Thank you again.
I'm glad our situations were somewhat similar with the Hospital thing.
And Yes the hospital is about the same distance and I swear besides the two days I was with her I was Taking my daughter to school everyday an in between the time to pick her up I was pounding the pavement Tryna find a Job which I did.

But till this day I haven't received a hand clap,Back rub or a got Dayum Thumbs up for that.


Yes I am Angry.

And I actually get angrier every day that goes by that this woman says Nothing In regards to this.

And maybe I'm wrong but I don't feel as if I should hae to play the conducter in this situation and orchestrate the sit down etc.
She did this. I didn't.

And I've come to terms that I Did not cause this either.

I married a weak woman.

And that I have to except.
I am in Fact a Very Good Man. I put my Family first. I've worked All my life. I provide the Best way I can and I have NEVER strayed from home even when I felt my loneliest and or the opportunity was right in my face.
Best thing I can do now is play her dumb ass game and focus on my daughter and career long term for her.
This Marriage **** is pathetic.

And I cam GUARENTEE I will NEVER do this **** again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

I want to say thank you to everyone who too the time to reply.
Especially the Woman. 

I appreciate your opinion and advice and just know I'm listening.

Thank You all again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Listen, you have every right to be angry and you may not have been the conductor in destroyingg the relationship but you were on the same train. You might not feel like you need to change. I understand that. Trust me, I have been there and I am still working through it. I caught my hubby in an EA and it has torn me up for years. I finally lost it last year after he thought it wasn't a big deal to get me anything for our 17th. Wedding anniversary. I am not a material girl,but we have been through he** and he was not there. I felyt like he took me for granted. I was angry too. Until you let go of the anger and deal with the issue,you are wasting precious time. Don't hold on to this, it will drive you crazy.

Why should you change? Because you don't want to leave feeling this way. This child may be yours and you are losing all the blessings of the anticipation of it coming. You don't want to look back and remember that all you felt was anger and resentment. Someone has to start. You can be the best hubby in the world,but you still are not perfect. Neither is she. Both of you have done things that have hurt each other and it has caused resentment to build.

As far as saying thank you for visiting her and cleaning and watching your child. You hurt her feelings, she is emotional,hormonal, and feels like you didn't care. She can't see that you thought you were doing everything she needed,because somewhere there was a need that was not being met. Just like your needs weren't met when she didn't support you. When you do this, it starts a pattern of tit for tat and I am not saying thank you,or good job,because you hurt me.Make sense? 

Turn the anger into something productive. Do you want this to work. Do you love her enough even after her stupidity? Fight for it and get to the bottom of this,don't let it simmer. Who cares who starts making changes first as long as it saves the marraige and both of you can be happy with each other. Change is not bad, don't be scared to try it. It can make the worst senario turn out to be a lessoned learned and bring you closer together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> Listen, you have every right to be angry and you may not have been the conductor in destroyingg the relationship but you were on the same train. You might not feel like you need to change. I understand that. Trust me, I have been there and I am still working through it. I caught my hubby in an EA and it has torn me up for years. I finally lost it last year after he thought it wasn't a big deal to get me anything for our 17th. Wedding anniversary. I am not a material girl,but we have been through he** and he was not there. I felyt like he took me for granted. I was angry too. Until you let go of the anger and deal with the issue,you are wasting precious time. Don't hold on to this, it will drive you crazy.
> 
> Why should you change? Because you don't want to leave feeling this way. This child may be yours and you are losing all the blessings of the anticipation of it coming. You don't want to look back and remember that all you felt was anger and resentment. Someone has to start. You can be the best hubby in the world,but you still are not perfect. Neither is she. Both of you have done things that have hurt each other and it has caused resentment to build.
> 
> ...


We've had circumstances that should have allowed us to be closer.
I thought we were. 

But trust is something that should not be jeopardized.
And given the circumstance I would have imagined this week she would had made a visible effort to fill in such voids that made me at least see her in a different light.

Instead as always.

Tonight I cooked dinner.
Sat and ate at the dinner table with my daughter.
Gave her a bath.
Read her a story.
Tucked her in.

Took a shower.
And now I'm in the spare room watching a movie alone having some tea.
And that's after I did the laundry, Ironed my cloths for work this week...

And all during this time.
She is in our Bedroom laughing on her Cell phone & watching Reality shows.


No Respect.
No Sympathy.
No Remorse.

Thank You Tamara but at this point although I understand your advice and half of me is trying so hard to go walk in that room and initiate it...Her actions just won't let me do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

I've never felt so fcking Lonely in my Entire Life.
2am and I been Laying here looking at the ceiling for hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I have known that feeling. If you truly believe she could care less about the pain she has caused and has no remorse. That she is still caring on an EA and you will not accept that,then you still need to communicate. You need to confront her. Look at other posts on this site and learn a little about a no contact letter. What the cheating spouse will say and acuse you of doing to justify her actions. Also not it is very improtant that you remain calm. Do not raise your voice and don't lose your temper. 

Decide what you want to do. But hear her story first. Find out if this was an issue of the two of you have been stressed, weren't meeting each others needs, built resentment, and most of all misunderstood each other. Onceyou have all the information,make your decision. 

You do not want to go away with this in your head to fight for our country. It will mess you up. Make an informed decision. She may be a person that has taken you for granted and could care less,,but she also may be a hurt wife because she felt you weren't there for her and she is now resentful and is showing you she does not care because she is hurt. You are hurt too. Make sure you have looked at every avenue before doing something you will regret.

Yes, I would fall over if my hubby did laundry,gave our kids a bath,, made dinner. It does sound like you are a great helpmate. But even super dads can miss things. Once you have confronted her and made a decision,get it in place. Do it for your daughter and for the unborn child. Stability will help her thrive when dad leaves for boot camp. 

My hubby took me for granted and totally missed our kid's childhoods because he was a jerk. As I told you that I flipped out. I calmed down hings changed for awhile. Then it started again. I woke up one morning and I knew this was not what I wanted for my life or the kids. I quietly said,I want a divorce. He was totally shaken up. He started changing and I was still MAD. Why should I change? He was the jerk! I wrote into this forum and got great advice. I have changed,I am stronger,I am finding myself again. For a long time, I felt he tried and it was too late. But he is working on becoming a better dad and husband. But I had to make the first step. I made the decision. Just, before you use the divorce word, make sure you absolutley mean it and you are not using it as a threat. Get your information,and go from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I read this whole thread...

I understand your anger. Completely. 

Something you said jumped out at me. "I married a weak women". I'm curious, I also married a very "weak" women... Before I try to explain some of truths / realizations that I've found through the process of my wife's affair...

Why do you say she's weak? I don't mean the affair.. Obviously that is very weak but many normal or even "strong" people have affairs for many reasons...  some just get caught up in a whirlwind. 

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you to clarify what you mean about her being a weak person... As I mentioned, my wife is a very weak person and through this horrible process I've come to peace with a few things...

If I'm right and your situation is like mine, there is a chance that you are getting mad at water for being wet, or like me you might be really angry with yourself because _you knew_ ("the water was wet") there was a dangerous flaw in her... I catch myself saying "fck!! I fcking knew it!!!" "You knew she was a weak, codependant person, you loved her but _you knew_!." "


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> I have known that feeling. If you truly believe she could care less about the pain she has caused and has no remorse. That she is still caring on an EA and you will not accept that,then you still need to communicate. You need to confront her. Look at other posts on this site and learn a little about a no contact letter. What the cheating spouse will say and acuse you of doing to justify her actions. Also not it is very improtant that you remain calm. Do not raise your voice and don't lose your temper.
> 
> Decide what you want to do. But hear her story first. Find out if this was an issue of the two of you have been stressed, weren't meeting each others needs, built resentment, and most of all misunderstood each other. Onceyou have all the information,make your decision.
> 
> ...



Im gonna take your advice Tamara.
All of it.

I look at my daughter and i feel as if i have to at least try to put this back together but i'm still not at ease with the fact that i have to take the initiative but oh well...

Its funny a buddy of mine once said "You do too much"

and when i asked what he meant he said..

"Your wife knows where your at 24/7 now, You work,Clean, Cook and is a great dad to ya daughter so she is extra comfortable...So for that your gonna lose respect....Now be out all types of hours of the night and come & go, Not call home sometimes and stay busy and she'll want you more"

I thought he was crazy.
Yet now i see his point.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I read this whole thread...
> 
> I understand your anger. Completely.
> 
> ...


"You knew she was a weak, codependant person, you loved her but knew" 

That sums it up.

I met this woman when i was a teenager...
Went from being the boy who liked her & followed her around to being her best friend and seeing her played out by the older guys she dated...from not seeing her & losing touch for a few years then finding her in college and giving chase again then finally "getting the Girl"

Almost like Forest Gump & Jenny.

lol i know it sounds crazy but its true.

I always was more of a "Responsible Adult" than she was/Is...
and i always hated that. But i excepted it.
I excepted when this same thing happened when we were in our early 20's.
I excepted she was a messy person. Doesn't like to clean, rarely cooks, is more lazy than active...

But i figured in time as she gets older. Becomes more responsible. Becomes a mother.....These things would all fall in place.

She says "Who wants to clean up & do dishes etc?"
I say Me! & millions of other people too! not just because u wanna do the work but because there are responsibilities we all have a reasons for doing so like uhhhhhh YA CHILD! a Clean House for ya Family, Cooked Meals etc....Thats reason enough.

Her & I have had these conversations a millions times.

She just doesn't get it.

Now part of the reason i also say "Weak" is because even in the event that she says she may have felt "lonely" or "Neglected" etc...(Neither which i feel i did) She let her emotions put her Guard down & break our Vows for the Opportunity to fill a void she decided was more important.

When i on the other hand even at my worst moment didn't go that route because i thought about the long term effects.


I know it sounds dumb but it would be more typical for a Man to do some stupid sh*t like having an affair in the marriage...But when a woman does it...grrrrrr i don't know nevermind.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thhere are plenty of women out there that would love a hubby that does what you do. And they would appreciate you for it. Playing stupid games as your buddy suggested is just that. If you want an honest open relationship, you have to respect each other.

I am sure that there are women out there that would totally take advantage of your willingness to help. And there are also men that do it to women everyday. But neither are happy,end up divorced and bitter. If YOU feel you do too much for your family,then YOU should draw the line with your wife. Buddies are great and all but remember they see it from your view.

Here is an example. When we had our son hubby wouldn't even hold him while I made a bottle,couldn't go to the store,couldn't bathe the baby,hated to hear it cry. Then came our daughter who was sick the first year. No help from hubby. Resentment built,I wouldn't do all those extra things I used to do for him cause,I was MAD and EXHAUSTED!! Just two weeks ago, found out hubby was getting advice from his mom and brother that he did more than his share cause he worked all day! Both of them have no idea what love is or how a healthy relationship is. Mom was divorced and had a two year court battle over it and the brother is in a marraige that he can't tolerate and tries coming over here so he doesn't have to deal with. So much for their advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Well i wish you were her friend...Then maybe you could talk some got dayum sense into her. Sigh...

I know i'm going to end up sacrificing my life happiness because of my daughter and potential child on the way just so they can have a chance at certain opportunities


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Tamara, sounds like my wife. She always complained about how hard her schooling was, but I always thought, I worked all day, I paid the bills, she should quit *****ing. I guess it was all about compassion and meeting my spouse half way the whole time...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> "Your wife knows where your at 24/7 now, You work,Clean, Cook and is a great dad to ya daughter so she is extra comfortable...So for that your gonna lose respect....Now be out all types of hours of the night and come & go, Not call home sometimes and stay busy and she'll want you more"
> 
> I thought he was crazy.
> Yet now i see his point.


Wrong I would leave a man who disrespected me that way, but I would never disrespect him that way either.

You will not make your relationship better with that attitude. Men nor women should be treated like dirt, it doesn't have to be either, you can both treat each other well.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stone, you know what people have told me so far... They said, although it may not feel like it now, you WILL find another woman and soon realize that, as perfect as you thought your wife was, the next one will be even better... It's hard to fathom, but it might be true...


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Stone, you know what people have told me so far... They said, although it may not feel like it now, you WILL find another woman and soon realize that, as perfect as you thought your wife was, the next one will be even better... It's hard to fathom, but it might be true...



I've been told the same thing 13...
But i still get furious even thinking about my wife in bed with another male species..

Bruce Banner turned Green Angry!


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Not sure if 13 is agreeing with me or insulting me,but I asked him to help. I begged him to get involved with his own kids. I think if you have done the stuff you have done, I would think of you as a true man. It is about respect.

Your spouse should be your best friend that you can rely on. If you can't depend on them, the trust disappears. Resentment builds. Don't waste years resenting the fact that you chose to stay with your wife for the child's sake. You will get depressed,angry, and even more resentful. Save yourself the frustration. Deal with the issues so you can build a solid foundation for the marraige. If you have decided. To stay with her, you need to get everything out in the open before you leave. You don't want to be thinking of this and second gguessing yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> Your spouse should be your best friend that you can rely on. If you can't depend on them, the trust disappears. Resentment builds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thats all i want right there from her.
Thats All. Im HUGE on TRUST.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Another night of Resentment.
Came home straight after work,got in after midnight (skipped the gym which usually gets me home around 3am)
Showered. Packed my Daughters lunch for school....

Back in the spare room and been counting sheep on the ceiling the past 2hrs...
My hope was that she would walk threw that door and ask if I was awake to talk...
This is after all over a week since I found out...

And I've come home to her awake this late in the past not to mention she called me while I was at work earlier around 5pm claiming she got home and needed to "lay down".
Daughter is with grandma so nothing to bother her...
She didn't even cook dinner once again..

I'm just looking for any effort that convinces me she has an intrest in saving this thing....


I just don't see it.


Another lonely night.
Another night of resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> Not sure if 13 is agreeing with me or insulting me,but I asked him to help. I begged him to get involved with his own kids. I think if you have done the stuff you have done, I would think of you as a true man. It is about respect.
> 
> Your spouse should be your best friend that you can rely on. If you can't depend on them, the trust disappears. Resentment builds. Don't waste years resenting the fact that you chose to stay with your wife for the child's sake. You will get depressed,angry, and even more resentful. Save yourself the frustration. Deal with the issues so you can build a solid foundation for the marraige. If you have decided. To stay with her, you need to get everything out in the open before you leave. You don't want to be thinking of this and second gguessing yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tamara - 

I wouldn't dare insult you. I was agreeing with you. You're making it clear as to what you need from your husband, but he's just not getting the hint. My wife made it clear, but not clear enough for my thick skull. I'll never make that mistake again.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> We've had circumstances that should have allowed us to be closer.
> I thought we were.
> 
> But trust is something that should not be jeopardized.
> ...


Stone - 

I could so picture that happening with my wife right now if I were there. I can totally see why you're pissed. You need her to feel remorse and as bad as it might sound, her remorse will be your fuel to know she actually cares. Laughing on a cell phone and watching T.V. Ugh, so selfish. Stone, my situation a little different because my wife and I are in different countries, but I too make my son dinner, bathe and read to him and would love just ONE random text or phone call saying "how are my 2 boys doing?" I'm lucky to get a few texts per day, a call maybe twice per week. I've never felt this lonely. I feel sorry for my son that he has no idea that his mother is somewhat neglecting him. He's 3 1/2. 

The sad thing is, my wife sais she's extremely loney too. Well then call me, dumbass! Unfortunately, I'm not the one she wants to comfort her...


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Stone -
> 
> I could so picture that happening with my wife right now if I were there. I can totally see why you're pissed. You need her to feel remorse and as bad as it might sound, her remorse will be your fuel to know she actually cares. Laughing on a cell phone and watching T.V. Ugh, so selfish. Stone, my situation a little different because my wife and I are in different countries, but I too make my son dinner, bathe and read to him and would love just ONE random text or phone call saying "how are my 2 boys doing?" I'm lucky to get a few texts per day, a call maybe twice per week. I've never felt this lonely. I feel sorry for my son that he has no idea that his mother is somewhat neglecting him. He's 3 1/2.
> 
> The sad thing is, my wife sais she's extremely loney too. Well then call me, dumbass! Unfortunately, I'm not the one she wants to comfort her...



And here is why I cannot and do not understand how my wife could have an affair on me EA or PA!

Damn 13 you hit the nail on the head right there bro!
Something as simple as a text, a random phone call! Anything would make a difference and show some damn effort!
I've made mention of these things numerous times in the past.

But she is Lonely?!!!! 
How Tha Fck is that possible? 


This can't be our life dude.

Also I wanted to say Thank You a million times over for your service. I too have enlisted recently (late I know) but it was a decision I made to help support my family and fulfill the career I always wanted....so much for that first reason for motivation huh...


I tell ya the things a good man will do for his family.......and the  that will be served on his dinner plate as appreciation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> And here is why I cannot and do not understand how my wife could have an affair on me EA or PA!
> 
> Damn 13 you hit the nail on the head right there bro!
> Something as simple as a text, a random phone call! Anything would make a difference and show some damn effort!
> ...



Stone - 

No problem. You are joining a little late, but aren't you worried about what might happen after you leave? Sometimes I wish I never left the country so I could be at home, in MY house, fixing this ****. The thing is, if I never left, I would have never known how my wife felt about me. It's good and it's bad. If I had known earlier, I would have never left. Now I'm stuck here, lonely as ****, unable to fix things, straight up heartbroken. 

My wife has even told me she never meant to hurt me, appreciates all I've done, and she can't wait to get home and start our life together here. That's all fine and dandy, but what about now? I need her support NOW. You'll need your wife's support 10 times more than me when you're in boot camp, AIT and at your permanate duty station. With your current situation, a deployment to the middle east is going to be painful, man. When do you leave and have you really REALLY thought this through about enlisting?


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Stone -
> 
> No problem. You are joining a little late, but aren't you worried about what might happen after you leave? Sometimes I wish I never left the country so I could be at home, in MY house, fixing this ****. The thing is, if I never left, I would have never known how my wife felt about me. It's good and it's bad. If I had known earlier, I would have never left. Now I'm stuck here, lonely as ****, unable to fix things, straight up heartbroken.
> 
> My wife has even told me she never meant to hurt me, appreciates all I've done, and she can't wait to get home and start our life together here. That's all fine and dandy, but what about now? I need her support NOW. You'll need your wife's support 10 times more than me when you're in boot camp, AIT and at your permanate duty station. With your current situation, a deployment to the middle east is going to be painful, man. When do you leave and have you really REALLY thought this through about enlisting?


Yeah I gave it a lot of thought over the past few years.
I know BCT and AIT is gonna be an eye opener not just for me but for her as well .
4mo away is longer than I have ever been away at one time... 30days has been the max in the past. But now I figure she will really get a dose of what reality is. A 4yr old and A NewBorn all by herself. Now if she decides to make a fool outta herself and introduce an OM while I'm away well then let's just say she better be somewhere in Mexico when I return.

Other than that it is what it is.
I need to do this for Not only my family and my Daughter plus possible One on the way...but also for myself Long term.
I'm starting to feel like I put so much effort into so much that had more to do with other people that I never took the time to make sure I was content with myself I guess.

Just so you know Ive decided for now not to go full active.
I'm going ANG first at least for a couple of years so I can get the proper training I want in my MOS then peruse the career in Law Enforcement I've always wanted right after I return from my AIT.
This way I can come back to the State at least for the time being but I'm not putting off the fact that a deployment is a possibility.

What can we do Brotha....sigh
I'm sure well figure out something.

But like you yeah Man I'm in need of attention Right Now!
And my wife is under the same roof....

It's a wonder I didn't cheat dammit!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

From my experience time away only makes things worse. When I was deployed in 07-08, I didn't have to worry about my wife at all, I couldn't imagine deploying now. I would be emotionally compromised. If I was you I would seriously put some thought in all of this, because once your gone, your gone... Thats it, there's no coming back. Even if you decide later on that it was a bad idea, there's no quitting. You can try as hard as you want to get out later, and you may succeed but even then it takes longer to get back home than it would if you just finished.

I would seriously think about everything and reevaluate your decision. Take everything into consideration, like what if your at basic trainning and you find out something? Can you really do this in the condition that you are in? I'm not trying to get you to back out, I just know from experience that you need to be in the right state of mind because I couldn't even begin to imagine how it would have been going through everything after going through this EA that my wife had.

On the other hand, your wife could go through a huge epiphany while you're gone, and you could even come back with things being a lot better. I wouldn't bank on a positive outcome. It's up to you to decide whether or not the juice is worth the squeeze.

I know what you're going through. About a month ago I volunteered to go on another deployment. I was denied because I'm flagged for medical problems (resulting from the military) and also I'm flagged because i've been having really bad anxiety and depression. Now that I think about it i'm glad I was denied because I'm not in the right state of mind. I shouldn't have even volunteered because I was only doing so to escape from reality. It's so much easier being overseas where you don't have to deal with emotions.

Just promise me you will go over everything, and when you have come to a decision you will go over it again.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks for the Advice Forsaken.
Yeah along with 13's Advice in regards to the Military I have a lot to think about.

Well even more to think about.

I won't lie when I thought things were well I was more mentally ready to go but this has put a small damper on my mental state.
But it hasn't broken my focus. 

I just gotta figure this out because she has still not confronted me or said a word about this ****!
And although I'm trying my best to take Tamara's advice I'm just not receiving the small basic gestures from here that would warrant me stepping up and confronting this situation in a calm manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

If I was you, I would talk to my recruiter and let him know that I still feel like I would like to join, but right now times are tough and I would explain the situation and ask to push the date back a bit further so you can have some time to figure things out and not feel rushed. When you feel like you are being rushed, it only puts more pressure on you and the situation and can cause you to make irrational decisions.

Remember you can't have a schedule for recovery, and seeing as how I'm still in rough condition 4 months after D-Day, I don't see things being much different for you in 4 months. Actually I see you being in a worse state because of all the pressure of trying to figure everything out in 4 months, when realistically your only going to know maybe 25% of the whole situation, and it all comes in time, and 4 months is just not enough.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> If I was you, I would talk to my recruiter and let him know that I still feel like I would like to join, but right now times are tough and I would explain the situation and ask to push the date back a bit further so you can have some time to figure things out and not feel rushed. When you feel like you are being rushed, it only puts more pressure on you and the situation and can cause you to make irrational decisions.
> 
> Remember you can't have a schedule for recovery, and seeing as how I'm still in rough condition 4 months after D-Day, I don't see things being much different for you in 4 months. Actually I see you being in a worse state because of all the pressure of trying to figure everything out in 4 months, when realistically your only going to know maybe 25% of the whole situation, and it all comes in time, and 4 months is just not enough.



And for that reason I'm staying on schedule.
There is No way I'm going to Push back anything further I want to do for the sake of someone who played me for a fool.

Im outta here!

Especially because a liar is in such denial of the truth that it takes so got Dayum long to get it. 4mo .... That's fcking disgusting to me how a person can hold on to a lie so long after there dumb ass got caught. I'm going Forsaken...Trust me I hear you but for my sanity I can't afford to miss another opportunity because of this woman...Fck that I'm
Going.


I got a sh*t job right now that was only supposed to be temporary for now until I left for my BCT & AIT....

I wake up.
Cloth & Feed my daughter.
Take her to school.
Help out my mom.
Come back home.
Clean up.
Go to work.
Out of work at midnight.
Go to the gym till 2:30am.
Come home.
Shower.
Kiss my sleeping kid,Retuck her in
Sleep on the spare room.
......

Start it all over again Mon-Fri.
And the weekends consist of time with daughter and cooking & cleaning...

That's my Life pretty much.

& I wasn't like this a year ago....
I Hate this sh*t.
I'm Miserable.
I'm lonely.
And at 32yrs old I know my life should be way more exciting than this.

I'm going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> Thanks for the Advice Forsaken.
> Yeah along with 13's Advice in regards to the Military I have a lot to think about.
> 
> Well even more to think about.
> ...


Stone - 

We all know you leaving will be tough, and you may be thinking 'WTF' did I do, but there are some very positive things about you joining. My military days from 2000 to 2005 were, without a doubt, the best years of my life. I travelled abroad, saw 5 different countries, met my wife, the benefits were unmatched! You can really take this time to keep your mind off of your lady's lack of everything, and turn it into healing. 

You won't even have time to think about what you left, wait, yea you will, but the one's you'll serve with will not be the ordinary people we all know in the civilian world. They'll be your brothers, all with different backgrounds and stories of life, death, cheating, and this will motivate you. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't join. ****, I'd go active if I were you, go all out. But only you know what's best for you. 

Typing this has even got me thinking about when my wife and I first met, the fun we had, teaching me about her culture and language. She texted me today, chatted for 30 minutes. I told her I was proud of her and to keep studying. She said she missed us and couldn 't wait for us to visit. It's ups and downs, bro. You're not a pushover, you're sad, feel betrayed, but it will pass.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Hey man, sorry your going through this now. If you intend to get common sense from most people on this site, don't get your hopes up. Only a few are helpful. Check out my most recent finding. I found out last week my wife has been with another guy. My course of action since then has been working out fairly well,thanks to the advice of one or two folks on this site. I dn't know why we're the ones at fault in the eyes of these people.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

13 and stone, keep in mind when your in the situation, you can't see that you neglected her feelings or hurt her. She doesn't realize that her resentment is causing her to act the way she is. It is just a way for you to be hurt too. It isn't done as a I am gonna get him, it is kinda done with no consious thinking.

She knows you are p.o.d about this, your leaving,and she has no defense about the EA. Plus she will most likely say you pushed her into it. You need to calmly sit down with her and discuss how both of you feel. If you don't she will take it that you could care less about her and the baby. She will be defensive. You need to ask for complete openess to passwords, cell phones and computer. This way while you are awayy ou can still monitor what is going on at home. Some people talk about a keylogger for the computer and you can access anything she types. Make sure you give the same info to her. This is a step towards trusting again.if she refuses, you can assume she is hiding something. Make sure you ask, was it a need that you weren't providing to her? Isthere something she would like you to do differently? Give her some things that you would like to see change. I know you do not feel you need to make the first move but you have a limited time to getthis all together. I would also advise that you call her as often as possible once you leave. When my hubby moved out of state and I stayed home to sell the house, he would send me cards as he was still in deep dodo for having an EA shortly before the move. It really helped to know he went out to find a card as he mnormally wouldn't do. I would suggest you get the cards before ya leave for boot camp so you don't have a difficult time finding one . Also send her love letters like you were courting her.know you don't. Feel like doing this,but it may bring you closer and get those books!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well I'm glad that you have thought a lot about it. It will be good for you to get out and see something new. It will change your life completely, and it will help you figure out what matters the most to you. Only you know what you want/need, so go after it and better yourself. In the end, if she doesn't come to her senses, she will be the one missing out.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> 13 and stone, keep in mind when your in the situation, you can't see that you neglected her feelings or hurt her. She doesn't realize that her resentment is causing her to act the way she is. It is just a way for you to be hurt too. It isn't done as a I am gonna get him, it is kinda done with no consious thinking.
> 
> She knows you are p.o.d about this, your leaving,and she has no defense about the EA. Plus she will most likely say you pushed her into it. You need to calmly sit down with her and discuss how both of you feel. If you don't she will take it that you could care less about her and the baby. She will be defensive. You need to ask for complete openess to passwords, cell phones and computer. This way while you are awayy ou can still monitor what is going on at home. Some people talk about a keylogger for the computer and you can access anything she types. Make sure you give the same info to her. This is a step towards trusting again.if she refuses, you can assume she is hiding something. Make sure you ask, was it a need that you weren't providing to her? Isthere something she would like you to do differently? Give her some things that you would like to see change. I know you do not feel you need to make the first move but you have a limited time to getthis all together. I would also advise that you call her as often as possible once you leave. When my hubby moved out of state and I stayed home to sell the house, he would send me cards as he was still in deep dodo for having an EA shortly before the move. It really helped to know he went out to find a card as he mnormally wouldn't do. I would suggest you get the cards before ya leave for boot camp so you don't have a difficult time finding one . Also send her love letters like you were courting her.know you don't. Feel like doing this,but it may bring you closer and get those books!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tamara,

I do realize why she (my wife) felt the need to stray because I'm experiencing it right now. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with you here. You said your husband was sending you cards and calling after his EA with you, but you're telling Stone, the one who was duped, to send cards and love letters to her? Yea, he loves her, he's torn and confused, but don't you think that would be rewarding her actions? 

Mabye I'm missing something, don't mean to be confrontational.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

craigy said:


> I dn't know why we're the ones at fault in the eyes of these people.


Anyone that makes it your fault or says you contributed to a spouse being unfaithful or disloyal is brain fuct.

You did not, I dont care what you did. You are not responsible for the choices someone else makes. The decision to be unfaithful to your spouse is a monumental moral sin. EPIC f*king life failure. 

Free will. The cost of free will to make your own choices carries with it the price of full accountability. PERIOD.

Betrayed spouses are often willing to divide the burden of fault and take responsibilty for the things that our DS's felt _made them_ do it... Primarily because we seek to mend, and work to find any solution in order to heal our broken families.. but the truth of the matter is black and white. The choice a disloyal spouse makes to commit adultery belongs to them and them alone. 

Im pretty sure I could rant about this tirelessly.

So...

I give my wife access to a empty gun. (dont meet needs)

they go out and find bullets (the OM/OW).

She picks it up, loads the shells, points the gun, pulls back the hammer, and squeezes the trigger, over and over and over killing and injuring everyone around her.... 

then....

"But Pit-of-my-stomach gave me the gun!!!!, it's his fault!!"

----

and these fogged fuc*ers around me...

"dude, why did you give her access to a gun?"

lol, sorry for the loose analogy, Im having a bad day.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Anyone that makes it your fault or says you contributed to a spouse being unfaithful or disloyal is brain fuct.
> 
> You did not, I dont care what you did. You are not responsible for the choices someone else makes. The decision to be unfaithful to your spouse is a monumental moral sin. EPIC ***ing life failure.
> 
> ...


Very well said...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I concur!


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You are not responsible for the choices someone else makes. The decision to be unfaithful to your spouse is a monumental moral sin. EPIC f*king life failure.
> 
> .


Im 1000000000% with you this! as well as the entire post you wrote!


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> 13 and stone, keep in mind when your in the situation, you can't see that you neglected her feelings or hurt her. She doesn't realize that her resentment is causing her to act the way she is. It is just a way for you to be hurt too. It isn't done as a I am gonna get him, it is kinda done with no consious thinking.
> 
> She knows you are p.o.d about this, your leaving,and she has no defense about the EA. Plus she will most likely say you pushed her into it. You need to calmly sit down with her and discuss how both of you feel. If you don't she will take it that you could care less about her and the baby. She will be defensive. You need to ask for complete openess to passwords, cell phones and computer. This way while you are awayy ou can still monitor what is going on at home. Some people talk about a keylogger for the computer and you can access anything she types. Make sure you give the same info to her. This is a step towards trusting again.if she refuses, you can assume she is hiding something. Make sure you ask, was it a need that you weren't providing to her? Isthere something she would like you to do differently? Give her some things that you would like to see change. I know you do not feel you need to make the first move but you have a limited time to getthis all together. I would also advise that you call her as often as possible once you leave. When my hubby moved out of state and I stayed home to sell the house, he would send me cards as he was still in deep dodo for having an EA shortly before the move. It really helped to know he went out to find a card as he mnormally wouldn't do. I would suggest you get the cards before ya leave for boot camp so you don't have a difficult time finding one . Also send her love letters like you were courting her.know you don't. Feel like doing this,but it may bring you closer and get those books!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I hear you once again Tamara BUT........
Once again this is sounding more & more like I have to be the one to Pat her on the back for stabbing me in the back!

Like i said before...2yrs ago i was bringing in Money,we were taking trips etc...But i too was traveling a Lot! Like 2-3 flights a week....I used to get upset because i would call her when i was on the road and either i always got the voice mail or i was beefing with her because i felt she wasn't calling me enough.

I would send her intimate messages and wouldn't get an immediate response...or any at all sometimes. I REALLY,REALLY TRIED MY BEST to keep things interesting!

Even when funds got low id find things to do at home....Couple of bottles of wine, Run her Candle lit bubble baths...full body massages...hell i even bought a stripper pole for the house thats mounted in a spare room...I TRIED!

And i had NO IDEA she was having an affair!
The TRUTH is a Woman is gonna do whatever tha F**K she wants to do. I don't Want to have to Monitor my Wife!
I don't want to have to check Cell records!
I Don't want to have to check her emails!

We are Got Dayum ADULTS! 
Adults who took a f*cking vow and i'm furious that the vow was broken!

I DID NOT DO THIS!
I DID NOT MAKE HER DO THIS!


And i ALWAYS! and i mean ALWAYS! reminded her that she could always had an open platform to tell me ANYTHING she was feeling! Anything! If i got too Fat! If i became Lazy! If she feel out of Love with me! whatever! and at least give me the opportunity to FIX the issue.

SHE has a communication problem with ME evidently! 
But not a communication problem in general because SHE is the one who allowed another Man to
A. Visit Her in the Hospital
B. See pictures of our child!
C. Give her Gifts!
D. Give Her Money!
E. Possibly F*CK!

So vie had ENOUGH! F*CK THIS!
IM NOT BY NO MEANS KISSING THIS WOMANS ASS TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE & KEEP OUR FAMILY TOGETHER!

Its Been a F*cking WEEK! A WEEK!
and She hasn't Muttered a F*cking word to me or made a got damn apology about nothing! & i swear to God These are the makings of horrible stories on the 10 O'clock News!

I called That F*cking Coward Punk B*tch OM and that P*ssy Hung up twice and denied it before he admitted what i suspected! I have this C*nts Home & Work Address & i swear on my life if i hear or find out they had ANY got damn contact since i spoke to him on the phone You ALL will hear about this situation on way or the other!

Im F*cking Pissed!


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

O.k
Took a breath.

Sorry for the last rant you guys...
I think that was just about the rest of the anger i have left that i can spare on this situation.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I know exactly what you are feeling. My hubby denied it. I showed him the phone records,he denied it, I showed him the computer records,denied it. I dialed the woman's number and then he admitted they had been talking. That was an understatement! I found one lie after another for months. He didn't want to discuss it because he didn't want to hurt me, didn't like discussing it because he knew he was wrong,and finally because he figured I would leave.

Like you, I stayed cause I have two kids, young at the time and felt he would change. He didn't think he needed to change because of all the lovely advice he was getting. It wasn't until I drew the line and stated,I want out. I meant it. When he realized that I was not accepting his behavior, he changedd. He still screws up but we are human. 

The advice I gave you was for AFTER your talk with the wife because it sounds as if you have committed to the relationship. If you confront her and tell her calmly what this whole thing has done to you and. You want to know why she stepped out on the marraige as you feel that you provided for her,even in the recent rough times. If she could care less what she did to you, you need to be able to draw the line and say,I am not accepting this behavior. If you don't it will continue when you leave. If she opens up and says/I didn't feel. Comfortable talking to you or she tried and you didn't catch on to it. 

If you choose not to check your wifes computer, that is your choice but the point is she needs to be open to letting you look. A sign that she wants to have you trust her again. She needs to agree no contact with the other man. It is the idea that you. Can access it at anytime.

Rant all you want, it sucks we have to be the catalist and we have to deal with the anger and betrayel. Your other option is not deal with it and walk away and be there for the kids and not her. I don't think you want thatand can't believe she did this when hey, your a pretty cool guy! I totally get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

@Tamara

One of the things that is really bothering me is she swore that it they had Np Physical Contact..So did the OM when i spoke to him on the phone but WHY tha Fck would i believe any one of them?!

Either way i'm STILL gonna have an immediate Paternity test once the baby is born & she is gonna feel like **** when i Don't sign the Birth certificate at the hospital until i get the results.

But for the life of me i cant understand why...if even this is my child....she would disrespect me even further by having an EA while pregnant with her husbands baby...Even at the hospital when she let the Fcker come see her u were You were sitting there smiles & giggles with my child in the womb??????

If that isn't Selfish....& Disrespectful..... I don't know what is.

That to me is the HIGHEST form of Disrespect a woman can display towards a man....And thats engaging in ANY form of activity with another Man with the knowledge of any sexual presence regardless of conversation,attraction or Sex when your child is present. 

Im now more disgusted with her than angry.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> O.k
> Took a breath.
> 
> Sorry for the last rant you guys...
> I think that was just about the rest of the anger i have left that i can spare on this situation.


I thought it was awesome and totally agree.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> I have this C*nts Home & Work Address & i swear on my life if i hear or find out they had ANY got damn contact since i spoke to him on the phone You ALL will hear about this situation on way or the other!
> 
> Im F*cking Pissed!


Ok, dont go all 1 8 7 on anyone man... 

Deal with this the same way you deal with a problem child.. Make rules, follow those rules, and if she breaks em, decorate your lawn in blouses and skirts.

You are not powerless here buddy. Pain is required but suffering is not. Dont get so worked up. The sun is still coming up man.

here, listen to this and then come to some decisions.

YouTube - Sam Cooke A change is Gonna come


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I agrre with two time, you do need to draw the line,create some boundrys and be willing to give her the consequences from her actions. Whether that means you kick her out, don't fund the affair by paying the internet and phone she is using to contact other man. Demand there be no more contact.

If she has gotten used to living such a nice life and like everyone else, has been hurt with the economy,she needs to feel the crunch of not having you there as her financial support. Sometimes this helps with getting her attention,but be sure that you are ready if she breaks the rules.

Most of all, communicate! You have to talk if you are going to work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Give us an update, man


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Give us an update, man


Yeah I hope he didnt kill anyone. lol - seemed really angry.


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Anyone that makes it your fault or says you contributed to a spouse being unfaithful or disloyal is brain fuct.
> 
> You did not, I dont care what you did. You are not responsible for the choices someone else makes. The decision to be unfaithful to your spouse is a monumental moral sin. EPIC f*king life failure.
> 
> ...


Wow...very well said...I loved the analogy


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