# Shadow of The 1st Wife, Unfair ?



## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

My aunt is a head of a local church's women organization. The thing about my aunt is she's a very nice and gentle, a quiet and kind woman. Not the fake polite one but a genuinely nice person.

Last saturday they attended one of the flock's funeral. About this guy, he divorced his 1st wife and had a shotgun wedding with another woman 2 months after, when they got married they woman was at least 6 months pregnant so it didn't take a sherlock to figure it out. All of this happened way back in the 80s and was a hot gossip that never left people's mind, i was only 6 back then and whenever i saw them my mind would always associated with 'the shotgun wedding guy'. They stayed married until his death and only had 1 child, my aunt said they always looked cordial between each other, not much romance. Maybe it was just their style or maybe they were unhappy who knows

This woman is friend of my aunt. 2nd wife told her that her husband had made a last will before his stroke, it's equally divided for 4. One for the 2nd wife, one for the son, one for the church, and one for the 1st wife. Initially she thought that it was a mistake or that his brain was fuzzy when he made that but that last will was drafted only 9 months before so he was definitely in a sound mind. 2nd wife think it's unfair and spiteful. 

The 1st wife, remarried with several children, said that she had closed that chapter of her life. She took the money but declined the letter. He wrote that he loved her and missed her all along. That he wish that that the affair had never happened and that 1st wife was the love of his life. 2nd wife read it and man the hell's gate got opened.

Do you think it's fair that he gave the 1st wife an equal share ? Given his condition that they only got married because he got his mistress pregnant, as a man i totally understand his feeling but on the other hand the 2nd wife was the one who stayed and put up with him for 30+ years and gave birth to his only child but still, he didn't love her, is that fair ? Is history not important to love, i mean 30+ years (!!), that's 30+ christmases 30+ new years, almost 70 birthdays, a childbirth, graduation, countless vacations and several grandchildren. That's a LOT. Is this guy being a jerk for his honesty ?


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

I'm tempted to say "it doesn't matter because he's dead," but that's not very considerate of the wives and the kid. But thinking it over, I would say he was being reasonable. The cut to the first wife was probably seen as being a way to "atone" for having cheated. If it really haunted him, that might be the only way he was able to live with himself. It does kind of suck for the woman who had been with him much longer, but in my opinion that's secondary. If I die and my wife's big complaint is I didn't leave her enough money, it means I failed as a husband long before writing that will. So the will wasn't the problem, maybe there was something else that you haven't seen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daniel. said:


> Do you think it's fair that he gave the 1st wife an equal share ?
> 
> Is this guy being a jerk for his honesty ?


While he decision seems uncommon, stranger things have happened. Remember that billionaire who left her fortune to her dog? I know; not exactly the same thing but this guy drafted what he wanted to do with his money. It sounds like he never got over his first wife too, considering what he wrote in the letter.

What I know is that everyone does life (and their will) their own way. 

I imagine that must have been very painful for the second wife to read/know what his final wishes/words were.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

They must not live in a "Community Property" state!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm not sure it's even legal to do that. Wouldn't this have to go thought the probate court first to assure the son and the 2nd wife are taken care of? I'm probably wrong here but it's doesn't seem right to me.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Inconsiderate man. Could have left the first wife a private letter, not to hurt the second wife's feelings. The money left to first wife could be due to his guilt. Doesn't seem like he was happy with second wife, yup, can't be happy if you have guilt.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

LaundryMan said:


> I'm tempted to say "it doesn't matter because he's dead," but that's not very considerate of the wives and the kid. But thinking it over, I would say he was being reasonable. The cut to the first wife was probably seen as being a way to "atone" for having cheated. If it really haunted him, that might be the only way he was able to live with himself. It does kind of suck for the woman who had been with him much longer, but in my opinion that's secondary. If I die and my wife's big complaint is I didn't leave her enough money, it means I failed as a husband long before writing that will. So the will wasn't the problem, maybe there was something else that you haven't seen.


It sucks for the 2nd wife because i think if his purpose was solely to atone he wouldn't have left a letter for his 1st wife. Maybe for him the history with 2nd wife wasn't enough for him to feel something for her. What's sad is despite his feelings and action, left 1st wife a bunch of money, she wouldn't even read the letter. She's really done with him


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I'm not sure it's even legal to do that. Wouldn't this have to go thought the probate court first to assure the son and the 2nd wife are taken care of? I'm probably wrong here but it's doesn't seem right to me.


He was a well off man and the will did get through, if the 2nd wife and the son want to sue that'd be another thing.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

The deceased husband had buyer's remorse. He traded a wife for a mistress. Although the mistress stayed with him for 30+ years, he realized that he traded down. He simply believed that his first wife deserved a part of him. In this case, he can only leave her with money.

Wealthy individuals have iron-clad pre-nuptial agreements. As he left a legal will, the attorneys have looked at his will closely for its legality. I would speculate that his relationship with his mistress after they got married was not a good one. The mistress was after all not all the "cat's meow" to him. I'm not sorry for the plight of homewreckers. They get what they deserve.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So the woman he cheated with while he was married now gets cheated herself. Where's the surprise in that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Daniel. said:


> He was a well off man and the will did get through, if the 2nd wife and the son want to sue that'd be another thing.


If the Will is rock solid no sense in contesting it. Only cost money and time. 

No matter the history this is what the Will reads. Sour grapes is not a defense. Sorry.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Daniel. said:


> Is this guy being a jerk for his honesty ?


No.

He is a jerk for being dishonest.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It was his property to do with as he chose, I am guessing (depending on the laws in his state). 

2nd wife has no grounds for complaint, IMO. She had his love and support -- such as it was -- for 30 years. If she felt cheated during that time, she should have left. If she feels cheated now, that is because she chooses to feel cheated. She should not have read a letter addressed to someone else--yet she chose to. She needs to put this letter in its proper context--the man probably felt guilty and might have written things that were true at the moment, but not true over an entire 30 year marriage. Take it with a grain of salt, and move on. Feeling bitter about it won't help at all.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't know about fair but it is what he decided to do. Either he always loved the 1st wife or never got over the guilt of what he did. In any case his right I guess to do that

Me personally I would have left it all for my kid


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I were the first wife, I would have given the money back. Who would want to be reminded of him?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

*ONLY* individual property can pass through a will. Marital property (e.g. house, car(s), most likely savings, checking and retirement accounts and other things bought during the marriage and with marital assets) are *NOT* eligible for distribution. This is a common misconception.

A (current) wife is entitled to (a minimum of) 1/3 of her husband's estate, regardless of what the will said. This is the law.

Minor children cannot be written out of a will, the same cannot be said for adult children.

Also, the first wife must pay inheritance taxes; the second wife and adult son most likely will not, depending upon the size of the estate.

Second wife should challenge the will.

IamSomebody


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Daniel. said:


> He was a well off man and the will did get through, if the 2nd wife and the son want to sue that'd be another thing.


Probate is only the verification that the will was properly drafted. It has nothing to do with the distribution of assets.

IamSomebody


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

wife 2 was a cheating homewrecker!

She got what she deserved, probably MORE than she deserved!


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

That is a very big shadow.....in fact it isn't a shadow it is eclipse!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jld said:


> If I were the first wife, I would have given the money back. Who would want to be reminded of him?


How honorable a stance! That's what I was reading this thread to see. I wondered if anyone would post this. Obviously, she felt she was owed the money and did not care for the 2nd wife. As a BS, I understand her wanting to keep the money and refusing the letter as a final act of revenge. I don't think your view is common. Kudos to you jld. I don't know if I would be able to give any monies back or not. I might want the letter more than the money, but who could believe it?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you, 2ntnuf. I think the letter would help me forgive him completely, if I had not done so already. Pretty hard to live 30 years in bitterness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Borntohang said:


> They must not live in a "Community Property" state!


I live in a community property state.

Each spouse 'owns' 50% of joint assets. When one spouse dies they can do as they please with their 50% except that they have to give their surviving spouse a certain amount. A few years back it was only $10K . So a guy could die with a 1 million interest in the community and give is wife only 10K of that.

Every community property state and equitable distribution state I've researched has a set amount that a person must leave to their spouse. The rest they can do with as they please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He disliked his first wife enough to cheat on her and leave her. Let's not make it sound like he really loved his first wife.

He clearly did not really love his mistress who he eventually married.

To me, his leaving such a huge portion to his first wife is simply a way to poke his second wife (and mistress) in the eye. It was one last way to hurt her.

This sounds like a man who could not be happy no matter who he was with. 

.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He disliked his first wife enough to cheat on her and leave her. Let's not make it sound like he really loved his first wife.
> 
> He clearly did not really love his mistress who he eventually married.
> 
> ...


:iagree: And believe he may have had other mistresses neither knows about, but those two were his "best girls". Kinda makes me ill thinking about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> If I were the first wife, I would have given the money back. Who would want to be reminded of him?


I agree with this. He did her a favor by moving on decades ago.

He did not love her enough to treat her well. He obviously held her in some level of contempt.

But he did the favor of leaving her so she could move on.

Instead he stayed with the mistress/wife for 30 years and brought his contempt into that marriage... that's how is he was. Not a very good man.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with this. He did her a favor by moving on decades ago.
> 
> He did not love her enough to treat her well. He obviously held her in some level of contempt.
> 
> ...


I totally agree, Ele. I wish more women could see a man's leaving them as a gift. He moves out of her life to let someone who _will_ love her in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sandie said:


> wife 2 was a cheating homewrecker!
> 
> She got what she deserved, probably MORE than she deserved!


Do you believe that there is any forgiveness or redemption in this world?

Or should we all just give up because here is none?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I live in a community property state.
> 
> Each spouse 'owns' 50% of joint assets. When one spouse dies they can do as they please with their 50% except that they have to give their surviving spouse a certain amount. A few years back it was only $10K . So a guy could die with a 1 million interest in the community and give is wife only 10K of that.
> 
> Every community property state and equitable distribution state I've researched has a set amount that a person must leave to their spouse. The rest they can do with as they please.


Community property state or not, if spouses buy a house, or a house is bought during the marriage, they are tenants in the entirety. No one "owns" 50%, everyone owns all of the house. This can *NOT* pass through a will. It is not individual property, which is the only thing that can pass through a will. If an unmarried couple buys a home, they are tenants in common where each owns 50% or whatever division decided at the time of purchase. The share of one person in the couple, who dies, does pass through a will or trust. Often, however, the survivor is given a "life estate" meaning the heir must allow the survivor to life there the rest of their life.

Much more complicated than people know.

IamSomebody


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IamSomebody said:


> Community property state or not, if spouses buy a house, or a house is bought during the marriage, they are tenants in the entirety. No one "owns" 50%, everyone owns all of the house. This can *NOT* pass through a will. It is not individual property, which is the only thing that can pass through a will. If an unmarried couple buys a home, they are tenants in common where each owns 50% or whatever division decided at the time of purchase. The share of one person in the couple, who dies, does pass through a will or trust. Often, however, the survivor is given a "life estate" meaning the heir must allow the survivor to life there the rest of their life.
> 
> Much more complicated than people know.
> 
> IamSomebody


You are right of course. My point was that the surviving spouse has some level or rights and the deceased can give away some portion.. it differs by state.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He disliked his first wife enough to cheat on her and leave her. Let's not make it sound like he really loved his first wife.
> 
> He clearly did not really love his mistress who he eventually married.
> 
> ...



I agree, he doesn't sound like he was a very decent human being.

At the same time it is hard to feel sorry for a sk!nk that got knocked up by a married man and then married him. She should've known she was getting a lowlife. But 30 years is a long time, so what's the statute of limitations on punishment for something like this?

I think if he was a decent guy he would've sent this letter to ex wife privately. In the end he was probably still PO'd that he couldn't have both.....he wanted to keep his first wife and have his wh0re on the side. That's what it comes down to.


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## quezzie (Jan 8, 2014)

Wow. Not content to have severely hurt one woman in his life, he decides to make it two, while personally ensuring that he doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. If 2nd wife was abusive, that's a whole other story.

Leaving so much money is odd- did he know his first wife was in financial need? I could see giving it to her if he saw a need, but his letter shows that he was really selfish- it was probably just intended to be one last dig at his second wife.

It is possible (I know of a real life case) to marry your AP at a young age and 30 years later still have a happy marriage, but it requires the WS to not be an unrepentant selfish slime ball willing to cause severe emotional pain to his marriage partner.

The letter should have said (if he wasn't a scumbag):

I wanted to let you know I am still sorry for the hurt I caused you. Everything was completely my fault, you were right. I was horrified at the amount of pain I caused you, and still think about it with regret. 

I didn't deserve you, I know that I was completely awful to you, and 30 years later I still feel guilty. I am glad that you did not let what I did ruin your life, you are a strong and incredible woman, I wish I would have been more mature.

I have spent the last 30 years prioritizing my son and wife so as not to ever repeat my mistake, but I'm still haunted by it, and I wanted you to have the satisfaction of hearing me say so.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

IamSomebody said:


> Community property state or not, if spouses buy a house, or a house is bought during the marriage, they are tenants in the entirety. No one "owns" 50%, everyone owns all of the house. This can *NOT* pass through a will. It is not individual property, which is the only thing that can pass through a will. If an unmarried couple buys a home, they are tenants in common where each owns 50% or whatever division decided at the time of purchase. The share of one person in the couple, who dies, does pass through a will or trust. Often, however, the survivor is given a "life estate" meaning the heir must allow the survivor to life there the rest of their life.
> 
> Much more complicated than people know.
> 
> IamSomebody


Not necessarily. When my husband and I bought out house we weren't married yet. We took title on the property as a single man and a single woman as Joint Tenants. Meaning if one of us died the other would automatically be given the property.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> He disliked his first wife enough to cheat on her and leave her. Let's not make it sound like he really loved his first wife.
> 
> He clearly did not really love his mistress who he eventually married.
> .


I think he was more of the cake eater type, my aunt said that it was really surprising because they had always looked so lovey dovey before. They had been together since college and got married then bam, a pregnant mistress. There are several poster here who said that they loved their spouses during affair and i think this was exactly what happened. The mistress was supposed to be a cheap thrill not a 2nd wife, love was certainly not there.



jld said:


> I totally agree, Ele. I wish more women could see a man's leaving them as a gift. He moves out of her life to let someone who _will_ love her in.


I think there's a difference between just leaving and leaving by cheating and knocked up a mistress. I can't imagine how _humiliating and painful _ it'd be to be left by the husband who got a mistress pregnant and than it turned into gossip fodder. Cheating is cheating, it scarred people for life. 
1st wife got remarried and has been for a long time with several children, is that a gift? Yes, but that came from a painful and humiliating process


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

IamSomebody said:


> Community property state or not, if spouses buy a house, or a house is bought during the marriage, they are tenants in the entirety. No one "owns" 50%, everyone owns all of the house. This can *NOT* pass through a will. It is not individual property, which is the only thing that can pass through a will. If an unmarried couple buys a home, they are tenants in common where each owns 50% or whatever division decided at the time of purchase. The share of one person in the couple, who dies, does pass through a will or trust. Often, however, the survivor is given a "life estate" meaning the heir must allow the survivor to life there the rest of their life.
> 
> Much more complicated than people know.
> 
> IamSomebody


He was an old money man and she was his assistant (how typical), so i assume that he'd make her sign a prenup and or postnup. Given that he was wealthy, a quarter of his estate is still huge. Maybe that's why it got through. Beside there are many case around the world like this, not necessarily to the 1st wife but to even weirder things like pets

Anyway, i feel much more sorry for his son. A small part of him must question himself if he ever wanted at the first place by his dad. I'm not sure if i feel any sympathy to the 2nd wife, she married a cheating husband so don't be surprise with his dishonest behavior.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Daniel. said:


> I think there's a difference between just leaving and leaving by cheating and knocked up a mistress. I can't imagine how _humiliating and painful _ it'd be to be left by the husband who got a mistress pregnant and than it turned into gossip fodder. Cheating is cheating, it scarred people for life.
> 1st wife got remarried and has been for a long time with several children, is that a gift? Yes, but that came from a painful and humiliating process


I think that man is the one who should have felt ashamed and humiliated, not the first wife.

The first wife got to see his true character right away. That really was a gift. She must have felt so lucky to have gotten out before children came along!


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