# Newbie



## Aloneinmyworld

Hello all.....I am so glad I found this site. I was reading some of the posts and I see that there are lots of people that seem to feel as lonely as I do in my marriage. I am hoping I can meet some friends and get some good advice on how to handle the issues I seem to be having. There are many days I just want to leave and find a better relationship but I really want to try all I can to make things work with my husband. I will be reading the posts and hope to learn from them!


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## sunsetmist

Aloneinmyworld said:


> Hello all.....I am so glad I found this site. I was reading some of the posts and I see that there are lots of people that seem to feel as lonely as I do in my marriage. I am hoping I can meet some friends and get some good advice on how to handle the issues I seem to be having. There are many days I just want to leave and find a better relationship but I really want to try all I can to make things work with my husband. I will be reading the posts and hope to learn from them!



Hey there, Welcome. How long have you been married? Do you have children? How old are y'all? Anything special you want to say? Lonely can be an overwhelming place to be...especially in a marriage.


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## Aloneinmyworld

We have been married about 5 years but lived together for about 8 years. We are both in our 50's and have grown children out of the house. I would be less lonely If I had children to take care of. This of course is not our first marriage. We have very little conversation these days. When we do talk it seems to end in an argument. We are both very stubborn and I have been trying to give in and apologize but he doesn't seem to want to get along. I tell him he wouldn't be happy if God himself came down and kissed his Butt! Seriously, If I say the sky is blue he will argue with me! I guess I need better coping skills. LOL


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## Lostinthought61

Welcome Alone, 
you had 3 years prior to marriage, may i ask how your courting and interaction were, there must have been something there in order to take it to the next step of marriage.


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## Aloneinmyworld

There was something there! He was my best friend and we had great sex. We did everything together. As soon as we got married It seems like everything changed! Almost like flipping a switch. I really don't understand it! :frown2:


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## sunsetmist

Do you know why his prior marriage ended? Was there a specific incident/argument that precipitated the beginning of your war?

My dad used to say, "It takes two fools to argue, so why be the other one?" The hardest time to keep your mouth shut is when you know you are right.

So, you can cut back on the arguing, but there is more to this issue. It has been my observation that some folks just enjoy debating. AARRGGHHH. 

Is it possible to use humor/teasing to recreate a better relationship? Sometimes saying something rather absurd can break tension. (Blame it on the dog, weather, Santa Claus.) You are wise to not let resentment build up by tackling this now.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Nothing like a marriage to kill the romance....


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## Aloneinmyworld

He said his last marriage ended because his wife was secretly on drugs after they got married and she would not come home for several nights at a time. 

I just remember feeling lonely because all he wanted to do was watch football 24/7 but even after football season, it didn't get better. I kept trying to tell him I felt abandoned and unloved but thing aren't getting any better. Now, we can be sitting in the same room all night and not say a word to each other. It makes me sad!


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## sunsetmist

Aloneinmyworld said:


> He said his last marriage ended because his wife was secretly on drugs after they got married and she would not come home for several nights at a time.
> 
> I just remember feeling lonely because all he wanted to do was watch football 24/7 but even after football season, it didn't get better. I kept trying to tell him I felt abandoned and unloved but thing aren't getting any better. Now, we can be sitting in the same room all night and not say a word to each other. It makes me sad!


I am sad for you too. Nothing more miserable than being alone while in a marriage. Do you have female friends, hobbies, church, take lessons, etc?


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## SunCMars

Welcome!

.......................................................................

So, the romance ended after the courtship and marriage.

He got his cook and his bottle washer/deiiverer inked in.

You signed on the bottom line.

.....................................................................

No, there is more to your story. Does he drink a lot?
Is he depressed?

Has he developed ED, or some other ailment?

Does he feel like a failure and is taking it out on you.

Hey, no excuse for his behavior, but something set him off.
Set him on a bad track.

Since he changed after marriage, what else changed?
.....................................................................................

BTW, his ex wife may have been driven towards drugs in order to cope with him. 
Just a thought.




[THRD]


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## arbitrator

*Welcome to the TAM Family, @Aloneinmyworld

You find a plethora of folks here who have actually incurred similar problems or who can give most worthwhile advice in coping with them!

Isolation and rejection is not the way to run or establish a loving relationship. I'd love to know more about your situation, if at all possible!*


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## Aloneinmyworld

No....My Hubby doesn't drink very often, He doesn't have ED issues (been to the Dr. and had lab work done!), We did open a business which failed and I'm pretty sure depression is an issue but he refuses to take medications. In all fairness, he was like that before the business opened.


He acknowledges that he gets lazy and states he will try harder but I've never got any real answers.


As far as the X wife issues, you could be right. I have found myself drinking way to much wine at night just to cope. I have had to stop...That's part of why I am seeking other ways to deal with the issues.


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## Aloneinmyworld

Thank you Arbitrator….Ask away. What would you like to know? I believe being truthful will help in my issues.


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## BigDigg

Hey Alone - sorry to hear about your situation. Trying to help you better understand "the switch" here. Certainly it didn't happen overnight. What do you think changed? Why do you think he's lost interest? Any hints of this before marriage?

Not that you deserve or should tolerate this. What about your husband originally attracted you? Why stay now if he's completely checked out and unwilling to fight for you?


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## Aloneinmyworld

sunsetmist said:


> I am sad for you too. Nothing more miserable than being alone while in a marriage. Do you have female friends, hobbies, church, take lessons, etc?



I really don't. I do work full time but we live in a fairly small town where we know a lot of people. I do need to try to find some friends to do things with.:smile2:


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## Aloneinmyworld

BigDigg said:


> Hey Alone - sorry to hear about your situation. Trying to help you better understand "the switch" here. Certainly it didn't happen overnight. What do you think changed? Why do you think he's lost interest? Any hints of this before marriage?
> 
> Not that you deserve or should tolerate this. What about your husband originally attracted you? Why stay now if he's completely checked out and unwilling to fight for you?



Thank you....I just can't seem to think of anything going on around that time. In the last 4 years we have both suffered losses. We both lost our fathers and we both lost a sister. We also had quite a lot of stress from opening a business.


When My husband and I met I thought he was a hard working and extremely honest man. He was very handsome and We had amazing sexual chemistry. He was truly my best friend! I miss that and I want it back!


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## Adelais

Have you told him what you have told us? I know you probably already have, but I had to ask, just to make sure.

Did the watching football all the time thing happen before you got married, or after?

Do you get along with your adult children?

Can you go for a long visit or go on a trip with one of them or with a girlfriend to get a "reframe" regarding your marriage and your state of mind?

Could you and your husband afford to get a change of scenery and go on a long vacation together? You might both just be in a rut and need to get out of it. It doesn't sound like you are having any fun time together.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley?

Another good book to read is Love Busters by the same author. You and your husband need to read these books together. They will help you understand what makes a healthy marriage and what things make an unhealthy marriage.

You can find them both on audio if you or your husband don't like to read.


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## bikermehound

yeah sounds like us,we are at that point

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## aine

Aloneinmyworld said:


> He said his last marriage ended because his wife was secretly on drugs after they got married and she would not come home for several nights at a time.
> 
> I just remember feeling lonely because all he wanted to do was watch football 24/7 but even after football season, it didn't get better. I kept trying to tell him I felt abandoned and unloved but thing aren't getting any better. Now, we can be sitting in the same room all night and not say a word to each other. It makes me sad!


I suspect his behavior was exactly the same in his previous marriage, you only have his word for his wife. Maybe neglect got to her and she drank too much or engaged in drugs, etc. A man doesn't simply change overnight. He got you, now he doesn't have to put in any work to keep you, that seems to be his thinking anyhow.
I think it is time to stop thinking about what you are not getting from him and instead doing things for yourself. If he wants to stare into the TV let him. Go out with friends, plan self care trips, take short holidays, go visit your family, etc. Keep yourself occupied. If you run after him and pine for him, you will become resentful and bitter. If he notices, tell him why. Do not always be available. If he doesn't notice then you have to think about your future.


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## BigDigg

Unfortunate that this has happened. If there's no notable 'event' then maybe some other things to consider:

- Depression (you've mentioned) - can you describe his general state? Is he aware that he's depressed? Something he's able to process?
- Low Testosterone - weird to have that just switch off, especially after marriage, but he's at that age range...
- Loss of mystery / attraction - not to be mean sounding but possible he was not as attracted to you as a person? Just physical? After a few years the raw chemistry tends to wane and you find out real compatibility.
- Changes in you - Are you generally the same person, still fit? Have you made efforts for him that he would acknowledge to show your love and attraction to him?

It's interesting to me that you state he's frequently 'short' with you. Either he doesn't find any value in your presence (ouch - tough to process that) and or he's preemptively defensive for some reason. You sound very sweet and not the type, but if he's beaten down in life (by the business failure or you) he could be retreating into a shell. Some men don't handle negative events well. When you've talked to him about these things, how has that gone? Interesting (to me) - 'talks' between couples are very difficult and even if careful and well meaning it's very likely that one side will feel attacked (even if you aren't). Some people just can't handle these conversations.

My advice - I'm a guy so maybe different for you - but same message that I would give to a friend. Focus on you. You can't change or fix him. He has to do that himself. You can only create an environment conducive to an improved relationship. You sound lonely but the advice around here on a 180 is relevant: focus on your health and being fit, find activities and hobbies outside of the house that bring you joy, put yourself out there to create new friendships, be the best version of you. Don't tie your self esteem to your husband or your relationship. Whether your relationship with your husband improves or not you'll be best positioned either way. Life has dealt you some cards, but you get to determine how to play them.


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## Aloneinmyworld

BigDigg said:


> Unfortunate that this has happened. If there's no notable 'event' then maybe some other things to consider:
> 
> - Depression (you've mentioned) - can you describe his general state? Is he aware that he's depressed? Something he's able to process?
> 
> *I know he has depression but so far he refuses to do anything about it or take medication*
> 
> - Low Testosterone - weird to have that just switch off, especially after marriage, but he's at that age range...
> 
> 
> *We had the Testosterone checked and all was fine!*
> 
> 
> - Loss of mystery / attraction - not to be mean sounding but possible he was not as attracted to you as a person? Just physical? After a few years the raw chemistry tends to wane and you find out real compatibility.
> 
> *Maybe?*
> 
> - Changes in you - Are you generally the same person, still fit? Have you made efforts for him that he would acknowledge to show your love and attraction to him?
> 
> *I am very fit and I think I am quite attractive for my age* I try sometimes and It is like he's get annoyed with me so I don't as much anymore because I feel rejected
> 
> It's interesting to me that you state he's frequently 'short' with you. Either he doesn't find any value in your presence (ouch - tough to process that) and or he's preemptively defensive for some reason. You sound very sweet and not the type, but if he's beaten down in life (by the business failure or you) he could be retreating into a shell. Some men don't handle negative events well. When you've talked to him about these things, how has that gone? Interesting (to me) - 'talks' between couples are very difficult and even if careful and well meaning it's very likely that one side will feel attacked (even if you aren't). Some people just can't handle these conversations.
> 
> *This is us...always ends in an argument!*
> 
> My advice - I'm a guy so maybe different for you - but same message that I would give to a friend. Focus on you. You can't change or fix him. He has to do that himself. You can only create an environment conducive to an improved relationship. You sound lonely but the advice around here on a 180 is relevant: focus on your health and being fit, find activities and hobbies outside of the house that bring you joy, put yourself out there to create new friendships, be the best version of you. Don't tie your self esteem to your husband or your relationship. Whether your relationship with your husband improves or not you'll be best positioned either way. Life has dealt you some cards, but you get to determine how to play them.


*That is great advice....I need to work on that. Thank you!*


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## Aloneinmyworld

Araucaria said:


> Have you told him what you have told us? I know you probably already have, but I had to ask, just to make sure
> 
> 
> *I have tried many times to talk about it.*
> 
> 
> Did the watching football all the time thing happen before you got married, or after?
> 
> 
> *He watched football before we got married but he set aside a few hours for us...He doesn't do that anymore!*
> 
> 
> 
> Do you get along with your adult children?
> 
> *Yes...I do!*
> 
> 
> Can you go for a long visit or go on a trip with one of them or with a girlfriend to get a "reframe" regarding your marriage and your state of mind?
> 
> *It's really hard to get away for long trips due to work!*
> 
> Could you and your husband afford to get a change of scenery and go on a long vacation together? You might both just be in a rut and need to get out of it. It doesn't sound like you are having any fun time together.
> 
> *This might help if we go somewhere without a TV! lol *
> 
> Have you read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley?
> 
> *I have not but I will!*
> 
> Another good book to read is Love Busters by the same author. You and your husband need to read these books together. They will help you understand what makes a healthy marriage and what things make an unhealthy marriage.
> 
> *I will get them and see If he is willing to read them with me. Thank you so much for the advice!*
> 
> You can find them both on audio if you or your husband don't like to read.


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## sunsetmist

You have been diligent in your responses and it has been a while. I'm kinda like you--stuck (in trying to answer you).

*When My husband and I met I thought he was a hard working and extremely honest man. He was very handsome and We had amazing sexual chemistry. He was truly my best friend! I miss that and I want it back! *

You stated that you tried to talk and he wouldn't. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like your current state or have you considered leaving?

Insist on the talk--if you are to this point--tell him your marriage depends on it. Pick a time when there is no football game.  Tell him the above bolded response. I'm thinking you're feeling that he has essentially withdrawn from the marriage as the initial thrill naturally declined. If you read the books, discuss them. Marriages take work and he has to want to contribute. After you have told him what you need, ask him what he needs. Let us know what happens.


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## notmyrealname4

I can identify with one aspect of all this: the chronic sports watching.

I am a baseball,football,hockey,American soccer,English football,and golf widow. My husband watches at least 12 hours a week of sports.

If there is love and companionship otherwise, then you have to learn to occupy your own time when he's watching sports. Take up a craft, go in the other room and read, or watch a movie on another TV.

I guess I don't think that your spouse can be everything for you. I mean "you" in the general sense that applies to all of us.

And I don't know how intense the loneliness is for you. Each person's got their own tolerance level for these things.

Is it worth divorcing over because he watches TV too much?

I would think "no", if he is a good, decent person.

Some marriages are like a game of double solitaire. Two loners living together.

The question is; are you self-contained enough to adapt to this, or do you think you will be miserable, long term?

8 years in, the courtship and honeymoon period is over. This is who your husband is, and it probably won't change. He's getting older. He's lost some family to death. His business has failed.

He still works hard, right? He probably just wants to come home, flop down and tune out watching sports. Not so great for his health. I hope he does get some exercise in a couple of times a week.

I know I don't sound very encouraging. But I'm just more pragmatic about day-to-day life in marriage.

Maybe I'm not the person to listen to. Just thought I would chime in and let you know that I have much the same dynamic in my marriage. But overall, I am content with my life.


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