# Surviving a bad marriage you won't leave



## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Unhappy in my marriage and have been pretty much the whole 10 years. I won't be leaving it for some really valid reasons so at this point just need to know how to survive. 
My dh sends me like 10 texts a day how much he loves me and if I don't write love you back he gets all whiny. Yet, somehow can't seem to give me 20 minutes a day I've asked for to have some kind of conversation or connection that is other than talking about what is on tv or some other bullsh!t that I could discuss with any aquaintance.
And regular sex, no way. Loves to make comments about how beautiful he thinks I am and pinch my butt, etc.., but the p just doesn't make it in the v more than a few times a year. So I resent him, he is making my life so unhappy when he could do so very little to fix it.
I basically just wonder what other do to find some happiness for themselves. I was thinking I really need a great hobby but honestly I'm a bit of a homebody and just would like to come home at the end of the day and have a normal marital relationship rather than have to go out again.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well you can either play ridiculous games or you can tell your husband exactly how you feel. One approach will ultimately see an end to what you despise while the other will see more of the same.

Personally I think the best thing you could do would be to tell your husband he sux in bed, you despise him, you are sick to death of his soppy texts, tears and other crybaby nonsense.

If you keep playing pretend, you may as well suck it up since you are the one choosing this misery.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Why are you staying? There are valid reasons to stay but you sound completely miserable. If your marriage is truly that bad you won't "survive" it. It will eat away at you until you don't even know yourself.
If you truly have to stay then hobbies or anything else you can do to distract yourself. Do you have kids? Throw yourself into raising them.
Personally I think you both need to get into marriage counseling. There is a huge problem here that will not fix itself. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What's the long term goal? How long are you planning on "surviving" before you bail? Are you planning on staying married forever? Are you staying because of kids? Maybe financial stability now or are you aiming for spousal support for life? Are you staying for health benefits? Religious reasons?

I ask because my answer would vary depending on why you are staying. What are your "really valid reasons"?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

"Really Valid" reasons? I am real curious what those are. What possible reasons are there to choose to live the rest of your life unhappily? You always have a choice. You may not want to make that choice or you may be afraid to make that choice, but you always have a choice. 
Confront your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. Do not beat around the bush. You deserve to be happy. You do not have to accept his version of happiness. Especially if his version is not your version. But the only way forward is to face your own fear and move forward. That is unless all you really want is more of the same. Because if you don't, that is all you will get.
At the very least, you will discover that despite all of the great things about your H, that your relationship is not working and cannot work. At that point you can go seek a better life and set him free to do the same. Or you may find that he too was looking for more, but was simply trying to give you what he thought you wanted - then you can move forward to a great fulfilling, satisfying and happy future together based on mutual acts and intentions


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling? Would that be possible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Wow, thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it! As far as talking to him about the issues I have ad nauseum, I've tried talking, writing it in a letter, talking sweetly, making practical suggestions, being very specific about the problems, getting upset, threatening, giving it time. Same end result. He cries, swears i am the love of his life, makes excuse, etc.., but it all goes back to this nothingness, it is like he wants a 13 year old relationship where we just hold hands and text sweet nothings more than any depth emotionally or any active physical relationship.

As far as reasons, without giving up too much anonymity due to our kids unique needs we literally need 2 adults present and accounted for in the home and the income and effort that comes from both of us at this time in one place rather than divided up. There is very little to no active fighting between dh and I for them to have to listen to and the negative effect from being in separate households would be extreme at this point.

There is a chance that I will be leaving when they are grown and I am contemplating some exit strategies. I also am contemplating turning off cable as asking him to turn off the tv and pay attention to these issues has not worked.

Thanks again for the input.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In your first post two years ago, you stated that your husband was morbidly obese. Has he lost any weight? Have you moved out of the bedroom?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

perspective2 said:


> Unhappy in my marriage and have been pretty much the whole 10 years. I won't be leaving it for some really valid reasons so at this point just need to know how to survive.


You need to find self-happiness, or this will always be the case.




> My dh sends me like 10 texts a day how much he loves me and if I don't write love you back he gets all whiny. Yet, somehow can't seem to give me 20 minutes a day I've asked for to have some kind of conversation or connection that is other than talking about what is on tv or some other bullsh!t that I could discuss with any aquaintance.


You are distant, and he is chasing you, needily. Some would call his actions being romantic, or true love. They are not. These folks tend to sulk when you do reciprocate. It's like you can only do wrong.

Neediness = no self love. Do you carry the emotional weight for him and you?




> I basically just wonder what other do to find some happiness for themselves. I was thinking I really need a great hobby but honestly I'm a bit of a homebody and just would like to come home at the end of the day and have a normal marital relationship rather than have to go out again.


I answered posted on your other thread, so let me not repeat myself. I will, however, tell you about your self-happiness. It will take a bit of work, but you can become rather independent of others. So, even when DH is not up to par, you will be fine. This is how life should be anyways.

Take responsibility for your feelings. That means not blaming others for how you feel. This requires banishing "weak" language, like "you *make *me feel _____"

Stop judging others. The more you judge others, the more you judge yourself. It stems from the same place.

Stop labeling. When you look around, the mind will label things +/-. Take it so far that you don't even label things with words. Do you really need to? Again, it stems from the same place that judgement does.

Live in the moment (mindfulness). This is the tool/skill of the master. It is very hard to be unhappy if you are living in this moment, not past or future. As far as a lack of sex, if you are mindful, then you only have your current feelings to contend with, not the knowledge that you rarely lay with him. Still, mindful people aren't ruminating. Staying busy and active helps silence the mind.

Find the best in others.

Could there be distance from you, keeps the relationship from returning to stable ground? Do you withhold even one ounce of love, due to your perceived unmet needs?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If you're looking for tips on how to survive until you do decide to leave, you need to keep yourself busy. Have hobbies, such as: reading, exercising (you can do this at home), gardening, scrapbooking, watching movies, listening to music, paint your nails, organize/clean the house, get a pet, keep your car spotless, focus your time on the kids. Do keep a couple of good friends that you can trust and make sure that you get out of the house every so often for coffee or lunch with your friend.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Why not be honest with your H, and tell him that you're going to divorce him when the kids are grown?

I find this kind of behavior in a woman to be the most disgusting, horrid behavior. It is the worst kind of lie, to look for a way to pretend everything is okay, and then the moment the children are out of the house just up and leave. It is cowardly. 

Imagine if a guy told this story. We'd all be telling him either to find a way to make himself happy--because we are all responsible for our own happiness--or to file D. It is wrong to keep someone on the hook for years, when they could be spending those years doing something else. It is a theft. A theft of the only thing a man truly has: the present and now.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> Why not be honest with your H, and tell him that you're going to divorce him when the kids are grown?
> 
> I find this kind of behavior in a woman to be the most disgusting, horrid behavior. It is the worst kind of lie, to look for a way to pretend everything is okay, and then the moment the children are out of the house just up and leave. It is cowardly.
> 
> Imagine if a guy told this story. We'd all be telling him either to find a way to make himself happy--because we are all responsible for our own happiness--or to file D. It is wrong to keep someone on the hook for years, when they could be spending those years doing something else. It is a theft. A theft of the only thing a man truly has: the present and now.


She has tried, in different ways, but he doesn't do anything. She's not pretending that everything is ok


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

perspective2 said:


> Wow, thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it! As far as talking to him about the issues I have ad nauseum, I've tried talking, writing it in a letter, talking sweetly, making practical suggestions, being very specific about the problems, getting upset, threatening, giving it time. Same end result. He cries, swears i am the love of his life, makes excuse, etc.., but it all goes back to this nothingness, it is like he wants a 13 year old relationship where we just hold hands and text sweet nothings more than any depth emotionally or any active physical relationship.


Herein lies the problem...he KNOWS that no matter how much you whine b!tch and complain, you aren't going anywhere, so he has ZERO motivating factors to make any kind of changes or improvements. Why should he make any effort and put himself through any personal trauma or angst or whatever? You aren't going anywhere, so its way easier on him to just do what he does. 

As far as what you can do to cope with your self imposed prison, I really don't have much to suggest, because I refuse to do that myself. Maybe find a serious hobby that you enjoy that gets you out of the house a lot.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Kivlor said:


> Why not be honest with your H, and tell him that you're going to divorce him when the kids are grown?
> 
> I find this kind of behavior in a woman to be the most disgusting, horrid behavior. It is the worst kind of lie, to look for a way to pretend everything is okay, and then the moment the children are out of the house just up and leave. It is cowardly.
> 
> Imagine if a guy told this story. We'd all be telling him either to find a way to make himself happy--because we are all responsible for our own happiness--or to file D. It is wrong to keep someone on the hook for years, when they could be spending those years doing something else. It is a theft. A theft of the only thing a man truly has: the present and now.



I completely and totally agree with this. Regardless of what anyone has done, stealing their time on earth is the worst thing you can do. Might as well send him to prison. To use another person like this is beyond cowardly. The Op needs to stop making excuses and find a way to make it work - either with him or without him. But biding your time until someday is out and out theft.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Thank you. I have told him I am leaving when the kids do if we aren't able to accomplish a real marriage. Iappreciate all the continued perspectives.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I completely and totally agree with this. Regardless of what anyone has done, stealing their time on earth is the worst thing you can do. Might as well send him to prison. To use another person like this is beyond cowardly. The Op needs to stop making excuses and find a way to make it work - either with him or without him. But biding your time until someday is out and out theft.


That is pretty easy for someone to say when they don't get a wallop sent to them in their lives. I know a family with two severely disabled kids. Divorce would cripple their ability to care for their kids. As a parent, what would you do? Say **** it, I need to get laid and/or need to be respected for being a whiny puss? Or would you your best to do right by your children.

She is not using him inasmuch as it is also HIS responsibility as a parent to be a parent as much as it is her. (I am inferring the kid aspect here. She want to remain somewhat anonymous and has not given a lot of details.)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is pretty easy for someone to say when they don't get a wallop sent to them in their lives. I know a family with two severely disabled kids. Divorce would cripple their ability to care for their kids. As a parent, what would you do? Say **** it, I need to get laid and/or need to be respected for being a whiny puss? Or would you your best to do right by your children.
> 
> She is not using him inasmuch as it is also HIS responsibility as a parent to be a parent as much as it is her. (I am inferring the kid aspect here. She want to remain somewhat anonymous and has not given a lot of details.)


BULL SH!T! It happened to me and it was NOT an easy thing. Nobody said anything about getting laid or needing to be respected. It certainly isn't respectful of yourself, your SO or your children by maintaining a sham marriage. It is just an excuse to not have to do the right thing for all. 
It isn't best for the children for them to grow up in a sham family. What kind of lessons does that give them? 
If the children are so disabled that they can't survive without two parents, what is going to magically happen that they will someday be able to leave home? What would happen if one parent died? 
The OP argument, and yours is a joke. Single men and women raise severely handicapped children all day, everyday.
Nobody said he didn't bare any responsibility either - so stop projecting! He wants to live in a world of puppy dogs, rainbows and fairy tale romance = those are his issues. The sooner he finds out it is a fantasy, the better for him, her and the children. 
Maintaining a sham marriage is just a selfish excuse for not doing the right thing. Hiding behind "the children" is just a variant version.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> BULL SH!T! It happened to me and it was NOT an easy thing. Nobody said anything about getting laid or needing to be respected. It certainly isn't respectful of yourself, your SO or your children by maintaining a sham marriage. It is just an excuse to not have to do the right thing for all.


I'd like to think that "the right thing for all" is something that each person has to choose for themselves.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Having trouble with my computer and replies but yes, I agree there are more important things then Mom and Dad being happy with their marriage (what if being alone is sucky cuz there is nobody to help with the myriad of things that have to be done and you experience the pain of your kids needs going unmet due to this or the next partner is great in the sack or very mushy but they lack in many of the good qualities the previous spouse had). Also in some families separation (especially if there is not much overt hostility or fighting in the home) is not in the best interest of anyone. 

I have made clear my intentions to leave at some point if it become practical though and things have not improved because I do agree the other partner has the full right to know that and have the opportunity to leave themselves or improve things.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I'd like to think that "the right thing for all" is something that each person has to choose for themselves.


Yet you will argue that maintaining a sham marriage is the right thing to do for all? Will the OP's H have a choice when she decides to leave?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Yet you will argue that maintaining a sham marriage is the right thing to do for all?


Um. No. I did not say that.



> Will the OP's H have a choice when she decides to leave?


He will have many choices. Just not to remain with her. Isn't that what happens when anyone leaves?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

perspective2 said:


> Unhappy in my marriage and have been pretty much the whole 10 years. I won't be leaving it for some really valid reasons so at this point just need to know how to survive.


Checked out for the last decade in a sham marriage - Check



perspective2 said:


> My dh sends me like 10 texts a day how much he loves me and if I don't write love you back he gets all whiny.


Spouse is needy as hell - Check 



perspective2 said:


> Yet, somehow can't seem to give me 20 minutes a day I've asked for to have some kind of conversation or connection that is other than talking about what is on tv or some other bullsh!t that I could discuss with any acquaintance.


Won’t meet your needs however - Check



perspective2 said:


> And regular sex, no way. Loves to make comments about how beautiful he thinks I am and pinch my butt, etc.., but the p just doesn't make it in the v more than a few times a year.


Sexless marriage - Check



Blondilocks said:


> In your first post two years ago, you stated that your husband was morbidly obese. Has he lost any weight? Have you moved out of the bedroom?


And the cherry on top, morbidly obese – Check

Why don’t you stop making vague excuses about why you can’t leave him and address your codependency and self esteem issues.

Here's a fresh perspective, being alone is better than this guy and if you don’t think so then the problem is YOU, not him.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

perspective2 said:


> Unhappy in my marriage and have been pretty much the whole 10 years. I won't be leaving it for some really valid reasons so at this point just need to know how to survive.
> My dh sends me like 10 texts a day how much he loves me and if I don't write love you back he gets all whiny. Yet, somehow can't seem to give me 20 minutes a day I've asked for to have some kind of conversation or connection that is other than talking about what is on tv or some other bullsh!t that I could discuss with any aquaintance.
> And regular sex, no way. Loves to make comments about how beautiful he thinks I am and pinch my butt, etc.., but the p just doesn't make it in the v more than a few times a year. So I resent him, he is making my life so unhappy when he could do so very little to fix it.
> I basically just wonder what other do to find some happiness for themselves. I was thinking I really need a great hobby but honestly I'm a bit of a homebody and just would like to come home at the end of the day and have a normal marital relationship rather than have to go out again.


This was me 3 years ago. I could have left anytime as I don't have children... yet....

I felt as if I was a bad person for wanting to leave a seemingly wonderful man....

I am now alone. I am happy. I look at my old life as if it never existed. I hold no love nor hate for ex.
MY old life was torture, I lived in a golden cage built of deceit and manipulation.... I overcame that. 

You too will overcome this. Good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

perspective2 said:


> Having trouble with my computer and replies but yes, I agree there are more important things then Mom and Dad being happy with their marriage (


Disagree. Happy parents in a loving, supportive marriage is the backbone of the family. Everything rides on that relationship. Everything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like you were unhappy before children came along. In that case, why didn't you leave pre-kids?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Um. No. I did not say that.
> 
> 
> 
> He will have many choices. Just not to remain with her. Isn't that what happens when anyone leaves?


Um, actually did argue this. When you tried to make the argument that she should stick it out because of the kids. You know, they are so handicapped that it takes two people living in misery to take care of them. Well, at least until some miracle happens that they no longer need the same two miserable people (well at least one one of them is miserable - the H has just been lead to believe everything is OK until this point). And yep, he will have plenty of choices at this point, albeit as a 50+ year old who has been riding along thinking everything is okey-dokey up to the point he gets booted to side of the road because he is no longer needed.
As I said, millions of single people take care of severely handicapped kids - all day.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Um, actually did argue this. When you tried to make the argument that she should stick it out because of the kids.


I did not say that. In fact, I offered no opinion about what she should do. I merely asserted that the decision is less obvious than you stated.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Um, actually did argue this. When you tried to make the argument that she should stick it out because of the kids. You know, they are so handicapped that it takes two people living in misery to take care of them. Well, at least until some miracle happens that they no longer need the same two miserable people (well at least one one of them is miserable - the H has just been lead to believe everything is OK until this point). And yep, he will have plenty of choices at this point, albeit as a 50+ year old who has been riding along thinking everything is okey-dokey up to the point he gets booted to side of the road because he is no longer needed.
> As I said, millions of single people take care of severely handicapped kids - all day.


Just to clarify: I am miserable with the issues surrounding lack of intimacy not everything about him, he actually has many good qualities (the old adage is true that sex isn't everything unless you are not having it, , during the times our emotional and physical intimacy is getting better all is well, when it has been a very long dry spell, then problems ensue )

If kids do better with 2 hands on adults in their household they will often do better if those 2 adults are their parents who both love them (provided there isn't any overt hostility/fighting) then 1 parent and 1 paid caregiver at least that is true for our sitch. Single parents can also do a great job but in our experience 2 has been better. It is very individualized for each family. Anyway I am not throwing in the towel on my marriage yet.

My dh in no way, shape, or form has been led to believe 'everything is ok'. I totally agree both partners have a right to know. I very much have shared these issues with him again just last night and along the way INCLUDING if this can not get fixed we will not make it and I will leave after the kids are gone. If that reality does not work for him he has the choice to leave now or work on the marriage with me. He responded by turning off the tv last night and we had a good night. He also has booked a needed overdue physical, agreed to keep working on his health, with his md and will be getting his testosterone levels checked while there.

thanks to all for the feedback


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

perspective2 said:


> Just to clarify: I am miserable with the issues surrounding lack of intimacy not everything about him, he actually has many good qualities (the old adage is true that sex isn't everything unless you are not having it, , during the times our emotional and physical intimacy is getting better all is well, when it has been a very long dry spell, then problems ensue )
> 
> If kids do better with 2 hands on adults in their household they will often do better if those 2 adults are their parents who both love them (provided there isn't any overt hostility/fighting) then 1 parent and 1 paid caregiver at least that is true for our sitch. Single parents can also do a great job but in our experience 2 has been better. It is very individualized for each family. Anyway I am not throwing in the towel on my marriage yet.
> 
> ...


That is a great way to deal with the problems. At the very least everyone is informed and able to act in their own best interests. 

My previous responses dealt specifically to women who just stick around until the convenience of having a man around is no longer needed (the same holds true in reverse). Then they scoot off into a new life, leaving the poor deserted and decimated shell of a man (or woman) they left, twisting in the wind.
Good to hear things are perhaps taking a turn for the better.


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## InfestedOyster (Jul 28, 2016)

Dear perspective2. This sounds a lot like me and my unfortunately soon to be ex wife. I have had lots of time to reflect on myself my own actions or lack of and also of hers. Neither of us actually wanted to budge on the real issues we had. Sex or lack thereof being one of them. For both of us. The intimacy was for some reason dead. I can tell you it is because I'm emotionally retarded to what a woman needs to feel that spark not because I didn't actually have feelings for her. But I also felt neglected as she was often cold and distant to me as a result even when I did try to fan the embers back to flames. We didn't quite make it nine years. What I suggest is counselling. I finally offered to do so too late. It took me to long to overcome my stupid pride to realize we needed serious help. She declined because although it would still take me another two months to find out someone else had fanned the embers into flames before they went out and I lost her to my own foolish pride. Don't make that mistake. I'm living it and can tell you especially with kids involved it is devastating. 

Sent from my KYOCERA-E6560 using Tapatalk


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

perspective2 said:


> As far as reasons, without giving up too much anonymity due to our kids unique needs we literally need 2 adults present and accounted for in the home and the income and effort that comes from both of us at this time in one place rather than divided up. There is very little to no active fighting between dh and I for them to have to listen to and the negative effect from being in separate households would be extreme at this point.


I get where you are coming from.

I would strongly recommend some type of religion if that is not already a part of your life. I have personally found daily meditation to be a great help, but I am sure other people get similar benefits from prayer.

regular physical activity is a must. try to institute daily exercise if you are not already. this will be good for your mind as well as your body.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ynot said:


> BULL SH!T! It happened to me and it was NOT an easy thing. Nobody said anything about getting laid or needing to be respected. It certainly isn't respectful of yourself, your SO or your children by maintaining a sham marriage. It is just an excuse to not have to do the right thing for all.
> It isn't best for the children for them to grow up in a sham family. What kind of lessons does that give them?
> If the children are so disabled that they can't survive without two parents, what is going to magically happen that they will someday be able to leave home? What would happen if one parent died?
> The OP argument, and yours is a joke. Single men and women raise severely handicapped children all day, everyday.
> ...


this is way harsh and out of line

just because you were OK with going the route you went does not mean that it would be OK for everybody

yes, single parents manage with handicapped children but that does not mean it is ideal for the parent or the child

just because a situation is not perfect does not mean it is a sham.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> this is way harsh and out of line
> 
> just because you were OK with going the route you went does not mean that it would be OK for everybody
> 
> ...


Learn to read. I could explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wanted to know why the OP didn't leave the marriage prior to children being born. I got no answer. Maybe I will, if she returns. If not, then all I can say is this is a person who just needs to vent. A lot of that going around these days ...


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I stayed in a marriage way longer than I should have. Kids are a poor reason to do so. It's largely an excuse to not act and it really doesn't help them, longterm.

I suspect as a homebody you are dependent on you H. If so, then fear is really what is keeping you there. I don't know any women who are self-supporting who would tolerate a marriage like yours, longterm.

So, advice is to get a career, not a hobby. Get some counselling, which you can afford with your new job. Hire a trainer for your OW husband and nag him to lose weight. Exercise with him if you are pudgy yourself, this will bond you. If he is still a dud in the bedroom after the weight loss, get some sex counselling.

PS - don't cheat. That's a losers way out. Good luck.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> I wanted to know why the OP didn't leave the marriage prior to children being born. I got no answer. Maybe I will, if she returns. If not, then all I can say is this is a person who just needs to vent. A lot of that going around these days ...


Definitely venting as well as looking for new solutions. Like most, there are ups and downs and certainly were enough ups to think kids made sense. Thankfully things have improved since I posted. Since it is a pattern it will take continued diligence on both our parts to keep it that way or at least have the good time stretch longer and the bad times less.


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## perspective2 (Jun 4, 2014)

sapientia said:


> I stayed in a marriage way longer than I should have. Kids are a poor reason to do so. It's largely an excuse to not act and it really doesn't help them, longterm.
> 
> I suspect as a homebody you are dependent on you H. If so, then fear is really what is keeping you there. I don't know any women who are self-supporting who would tolerate a marriage like yours, longterm.
> 
> ...


I do have a career that I have been able to arrange around the times the kids are at school, I have been also thinking we need to excercise together so that is a great idea!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Learn to read. I could explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


:moon:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Learn to read. I could explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


There is a certain arrogance to posters who insist that people who disagree with them fail to understand what is being said.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I guess I'm a little confused, on the fact that if the kids disabilities are bad enough for you to stay in a unhappy marriage that it takes two to care for them, are they going to be able to grow up with a normal adult life to where they can move out on their own?

I have a friend with a severely disabled child who is in his 30's and he is with her unable to take care of himself, and she has done it all on her own.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Lostme said:


> I guess I'm a little confused, on the fact that if the kids disabilities are bad enough for you to stay in a unhappy marriage that it takes two to care for them, are they going to be able to grow up with a normal adult life to where they can move out on their own?
> 
> I have a friend with a severely disabled child who is in his 30's and he is with her unable to take care of himself, and she has done it all on her own.


no idea about your friend's situation, but even if it can be done just by 1 person, this isn't necessarily the best possible outcome.

imagine if you have a child who literally can never be left alone and you are the only person there to care for him.

you can never, ever have a break. that would totally suck for you, plus the kid would become extremely dependent on just 1 person.

by adding another caregiver to the mix, each caregiver can have breaks plus the kid's social world expands by 100%

again, obviously, some people get by and don't really have a choice. but if you can have 2 parents in this situations there are significant advantages


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

perspective2 said:


> Wow, thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it! As far as talking to him about the issues I have ad nauseum, I've tried talking, writing it in a letter, talking sweetly, making practical suggestions, being very specific about the problems, getting upset, threatening, giving it time. Same end result. He cries, swears i am the love of his life, makes excuse, etc.., but it all goes back to this nothingness, it is like he wants a 13 year old relationship where we just hold hands and text sweet nothings more than any depth emotionally or any active physical relationship.
> 
> As far as reasons, without giving up too much anonymity due to our kids unique needs we literally need 2 adults present and accounted for in the home and the income and effort that comes from both of us at this time in one place rather than divided up. There is very little to no active fighting between dh and I for them to have to listen to and the negative effect from being in separate households would be extreme at this point.
> 
> ...


This has so many similarities to my first marriage. (20 years, 15 of it unhappy for me). I was trying SO hard to make it until the kids were grown. I didn't. I'm sorry you find yourself here, and I wish I had a good solution. It's so hard when you have tried every avenue and nothing works. I feel your pain. Hugs.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> There is a certain arrogance to posters who insist that people who disagree with them fail to understand what is being said.


No there is a certain arrogance to posters that don't understand but decide to opine anyways. Now you can go read what I said instead of jumping to conclusions yourself


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Learn to read. I could explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.


Oh brother. This is not at all clever, nor helpful. Would you like me to post the link you found this insult at for everyone?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sapientia said:


> Oh brother. This is not at all clever, nor helpful. Would you like me to post the link you found this insult at for everyone?


Yes, I would and while you are at it, read the entire exchange instead of popping off over one post.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lostme said:


> I guess I'm a little confused, on the fact that if the kids disabilities are bad enough for you to stay in a unhappy marriage that it takes two to care for them, are they going to be able to grow up with a normal adult life to where they can move out on their own?


I wondered the same exact thing.

Her husband knows she's pretty much stuck there for many, many more years.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Lostme said:


> I guess I'm a little confused, on the fact that if the kids disabilities are bad enough for you to stay in a unhappy marriage that it takes two to care for them, *are they going to be able to grow up with a normal adult life to where they can move out on their own?*





She'sStillGotIt said:


> I wondered the same exact thing.
> 
> Her husband knows she's pretty much stuck there for many, many more years.


I "third" this question.

If the kids are so disabled that it is required that two adults be available to take care of them 24/7; then what is going to miraculously happen at 18 (or 21), where they are able to leave the home and go out into the big, bad world; and function alone?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Yes, I would and while you are at it, read the entire exchange instead of popping off over one post.


I read the entire thread. I agree with the other poster that you seem to have difficulty when someone doesn't agree with you. You tried to "win" with sarcasm when argumentation failed you and it backfired.

The reason the OP thanked me for my advise is because I gave her an option other than "just leave" which aligns with her values. This matters deeply to some people.

IMO, stay/go decisions about marriage must be made by an individual in their own time. Look at the number of posters just on this thread who eventually left but it took them years. You are advising the OP from the perspective of hindsight (perhaps? I don't know your story) which is trivial, particularly when it's not your personal experience. Did you end a long marriage? With kids or without? Did you leave or did your spouse check out first? If your spouse cheated and checked out first, you didn't really have much say in the matter did you?

Decisions to leave or stay in a troubled marriage isn't a binary decision for those who are thoughtful. From my own experience, it's a journey requiring a rebalancing of values and multiple, competing priorities, especially with children involved. I question the depth of thought process of anyone who thinks ending a marriage should be made with a snap decision. I think the OP is on the right path focusing on their health and I wish them well on their journey.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The answer is pretty simple... stay and have an affair if you can't leave. Even better, agree to an open marriage. Don't deprive yourself of sexual satisfaction. I did that for 8+ years and finally left. The last 6 months has been the best years of my life, getting laid is not overrated.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sapientia said:


> I read the entire thread. I agree with the other poster that you seem to have difficulty when someone doesn't agree with you. You tried to "win" with sarcasm when argumentation failed you and it backfired.
> 
> The reason the OP thanked me for my advise is because I gave her an option other than "just leave" which aligns with her values. This matters deeply to some people.
> 
> ...


You read, but you did not understand and that is my fault? Where did I tell her to just end it? I can answer that for you - I didn't. What I did tell the OP is not to waste another human beings life. Which is not the same thing as "a binary decision".
For the record, I don't have any problem with any one disagreeing with me. What I do have a problem with is people who refuse to even attempt to understand what has been said. Which, apparently is the case for you.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

If you say so. LOL. I generally don't have problems understanding things far more complex than this thread.

You are, ironically, continuing to disagree with me now. I do take note you aren't answering my questions. No sweat on me, man. Carry on arguing with yourself.


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## Purple*Orchid (Aug 7, 2016)

The only possible way to make it better is to leave.


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