# Sexless marriage, lonely, h***y all the time



## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Wife doesn’t like sex, been married over 20 years, no sex last several months and I find myself very horny and willing to cheat on my wife, and she hates it and gets really angry when I bring up the sex issue, also any advice?
P.S. she’s very cold, doesn’t like oral, hates holding hands, kissing, hugging...what the heck did I marry...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yea! First dont cheat.
Have you tried marriage counseling?
It sounds like your'e either going to take care of yourself or leave.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Johnny Mac said:


> Wife doesn’t like sex, been married over 20 years, no sex last several months and I find myself very horny and willing to cheat on my wife, and she hates it and gets really angry when I bring up the sex issue, also any advice?
> P.S. she’s very cold, doesn’t like oral, hates holding hands, kissing, hugging...what the heck did I marry...


I don't know, what did you marry? Was she always like this? How long has she been like this?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't know, what did you marry? Was she always like this? How long has she been like this?





Livvie said:


> I don't know, what did you marry? Was she always like this? How long has she been like this?


she was ok when we got married but then last several years she’s changed


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe she is depressed?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> Yea! First dont cheat.
> Have you tried marriage counseling?
> It sounds like your'e either going to take care of yourself or leave.


Well, she has told me she hates sex, doesn’t believe sex is an important part of the marriage and says I have issues for wanting sex at least 3 times a week...


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> Yea! First dont cheat.
> Have you tried marriage counseling?
> It sounds like your'e either going to take care of yourself or leave.


Well, marriage counseling is off the table because she thinks I’m the one with the problem being that I want sex more than she does. Also, she has turned more colder than when we first got married.....also, marriage counseling won’t stimulate her private areas if you know what I mean...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Just file and leave, if you possibly can. There is no hope for improvement here. She is the one with the problem - and the attitude.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> Wife doesn’t like sex, been married over 20 years, no sex last several months and I find myself very horny and willing to cheat on my wife, and she hates it and gets really angry when I bring up the sex issue, also any advice?
> P.S. she’s very cold, doesn’t like oral, hates holding hands, kissing, hugging...what the heck did I marry...


You should probably just have a frank and direct talk with her. Explain you have no intention of living your life in a sexless marriage. But from the sounds of it nothing is going to work. Even if she has a reality check and offers up pity sex once or twice a week you'll be back here complaining that she is nothing more that a masturbation tool and you'll still be equally unhappy. So you should probably start talking to a good divorce attorney to get advice on how to best prepare for the inevitable.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry to hear she's like this. If the many, many threads I've read on here are any indication, you have two choices. Leave or get real good at masturbating. 

Cheating should never be an option. If you're that unhappy, just leave the marriage. You have no idea how many woman out there have left marriages for something similar and really want to find a guy that will love them the same way you want to be loved.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry to hear she's like this. If the many, many threads I've read on here are any indication, you have two choices. Leave or *get real good at masturbating.*


* dries off iPad * LOL, but true. And OP when she says she hates sex (either with you or in general), believe her.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Its best to just divorce. She said she doesnt want sex. You need it. No way to improve that.


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You should probably just have a frank and direct talk with her. Explain you have no intention of living your life in a sexless marriage. But from the sounds of it nothing is going to work. Even if she has a reality check and offers up pity sex once or twice a week you'll be back here complaining that she is nothing more that a masturbation tool and you'll still be equally unhappy. So you should probably start talking to a good divorce attorney to get advice on how to best prepare for the inevitable.


Hmm...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

These threads are common. They come up all the time. You can talk, read books, send flower, do all the housework, etc. Nothing is going to change. You’re incompatible.

2 choices
Divorce her
Learn to live with it


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry to hear she's like this. If the many, many threads I've read on here are any indication, you have two choices. Leave or get real good at masturbating.
> 
> Cheating should never be an option. If you're that unhappy, just leave the marriage. You have no idea how many woman out there have left marriages for something similar and really want to find a guy that will love them the same way you want to be loved.


I know but I’m miserable just waiting around to fulfill my manly needs and I still think that at 43 I’m still too young to just stop having sex completely...


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> I know but I’m miserable just waiting around to fulfill my manly needs and I still think that at 43 I’m still too young to just stop having sex completely...


Have you asked your wife why she no longer wants sex? Why she hates it?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Have you asked your wife why she no longer wants sex? Why she hates it?


Many times and she just doesn’t see sex as that fun or important, she’s not as into it as I am and never has...she has tried to force herself to do it but stops and I feel like it’s just too weird to do it just because she wants to make me happy. Sex is not enjoyable like this...makes me hate it sometimes


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe she is depressed?


Well, maybe but we have good jobs and good families. I wonder what would cause her to be depressed...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would sit her down and her how she defines a healthy sexual marriage, i think as a couples and individuals into marriage thinking we are on the same page or thought we are on the same page and it turns out we are not...what was acceptable prior to marriage suddenly is off the table once the rings come on. I once told my wife, when i married you i brought a bill of goods, perhaps that was harsh but honest and true, that suddenly oral was off the table and so were the number fo times...even thought i set my requirement prior to marriage...we need to rethink our expectation for marriage, earlier on in the relationship and if thing change then we must be willing filter expectation before we say "i do"...this is why i would never get married again.


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Just file and leave, if you possibly can. There is no hope for improvement here. She is the one with the problem - and the attitude.


Ie thought about it many times but with two kids in the middle it’s a difficult decision to make but I’m thinking I’m gonna have to suck it up and do it because I’m miserable


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i would sit her down and her how she defines a healthy sexual marriage, i think as a couples and individuals into marriage thinking we are on the same page or thought we are on the same page and it turns out we are not...what was acceptable prior to marriage suddenly is off the table once the rings come on. I once told my wife, when i married you i brought a bill of goods, perhaps that was harsh but honest and true, that suddenly oral was off the table and so were the number fo times...even thought i set my requirement prior to marriage...we need to rethink our expectation for marriage, earlier on in the relationship and if thing change then we must be willing filter expectation before we say "i do"...this is why i would never get married again.


We have talked about it and she will make a few changes for like 2 weeks and then it’s back to normal. And you’re right after this I would NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> Many times and she just doesn’t see sex as that fun or important, she’s not as into it as I am and never has...she has tried to force herself to do it but stops and I feel like it’s just too weird to do it just because she wants to make me happy. Sex is not enjoyable like this...makes me hate it sometimes


Never has? Even before you were married?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> Hmm...


There things your wife could try to increase her sex drive. But from what you have said I think the chances of her trying anything are probably zero. You could have the frank talk with her and suggest that she seek medical help and look into hormones, particularly testosterone to give her some drive. The problem is there are very few doctors that will prescribe T to women at a does sufficient to make a substantial difference. My wife had some libido issues shortly after having our kids. SHE researched like crazy and even reached out to a nationally known Dr who had a radio show and was on Oprah a bunch. That doctor actually was very very understanding and helpful and it turned out a doctor she was conducting research with on using testosterone to treat low libido in women was located in our city. We met with him, he prescribed 20mgs of Testosterone Cypionate once a week. Within a month my wife was a deranged sex addict. It was crazy. What she found was that due to her hormones being screwed up sex kind of fell off her radar. The testosterone which she took on and off for a few years placed sex squarely in the front of her mind. Our sex life went back to great and has stayed there ever since. 

But notice the most important part of my story, MY WIFE searched for a fix she wanted it fixed, she knew there was something wrong. If that wasn't the case I don't think things would have improved. The hormones and the mental approach to it are the key.


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Never has? Even before you were married?


Well once we got married it all came out to light...I was like wth?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> There things your wife could try to increase her sex drive. But from what you have said I think the chances of her trying anything are probably zero. You could have the frank talk with her and suggest that she seek medical help and look into hormones, particularly testosterone to give her some drive. The problem is there are very few doctors that will prescribe T to women at a does sufficient to make a substantial difference. My wife had some libido issues shortly after having our kids. SHE researched like crazy and even reached out to a nationally known Dr who had a radio show and was on Oprah a bunch. That doctor actually was very very understanding and helpful and it turned out a doctor she was conducting research with on using testosterone to treat low libido in women was located in our city. We met with him, he prescribed 20mgs of Testosterone Cypionate once a week. Within a month my wife was a deranged sex addict. It was crazy. What she found was that due to her hormones being screwed up sex kind of fell off her radar. The testosterone which she took on and off for a few years placed sex squarely in the front of her mind. Our sex life went back to great and has stayed there ever since.
> 
> But notice the most important part of my story, MY WIFE searched for a fix she wanted it fixed, she knew there was something wrong. If that wasn't the case I don't think things would have improved. The hormones and the mental approach to it are the key.


Wow, I’m glad it worked for you but yeah like you said “your wife” is the one that sought help because she wanted to make both of you happy. In my case my wife just doesn’t see sex as a need and therefore doesn’t care to even look for help. I’m screwed lol


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well once we got married it all came out to light...I was like wth?


Is she still sexually attracted to you?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Is she still sexually attracted to you?


Nope...because when I get close to her or “ask” her for some or even try to touch her she pushes me away


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Is she still sexually attracted to you?


It feels horrible to be pushed away


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> It feels horrible to be pushed away


I’m sure it does. Are you doing things to make yourself sexually attractive?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Johnny Mac said:


> Wow, I’m glad it worked for you but yeah like you said “your wife” is the one that sought help because she wanted to make both of you happy. In my case my wife just doesn’t see sex as a need and therefore doesn’t care to even look for help. I’m screwed lol


If you do a few searches you'll find many many threads of both men and women in your situation. Unfortunately a happy ending is very rare. Some people don't want to start over and come to accept the situation and just have to mourn the end of their sexual lives. Some come to accept it only to come to the realization years later they cannot accept no sex life for the rest of their lives. Some move on and find happiness. You have to weigh what matters to you and decide if you think you can live with it. But you have to start with telling your wife the 100% truth that the situation is so bad you're considering leaving or getting sex elsewhere. If you do decide to leave you then can do so knowing you did everything you could do before pulling the plug.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This isn't going to get better.

Like everyone else said: either learn to live like this, for the rest of your life, or get divorced.

It REALLY is this simple.

And no I'm not advising something I didn't do myself. I terminated a 16 year marriage with 2 young kids and I had been a SAHM for over a decade. If I could do it and make it work, anyone can.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well, maybe but we have good jobs and good families. I wonder what would cause her to be depressed...


This isn't your problem. 

It is her problem. 

She has not been provided sufficient motivation to do anything about it...yet. That IS your problem. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Johnny Mac said:


> I know but I’m miserable just waiting around to fulfill my manly needs and I still think that at 43 I’m still too young to just stop having sex completely...


The point of my post is that you don’t have to...leave your wife and find someone that wants what you want. I’m not suggesting that’s an easy choice, it’s not. Been there done that. But there is life after an incompatible marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm going to be very brief, because this site has seen a rash of posters lately who either lack the ability or willingness to pursue a third option beyond divorce or 'suck it up'.

There is a third option. It is by far the most difficult option, and it may still eventually result in divorce. 

However, it saved my marriage, which is now happy, healthy, and contains sex on a regular basis. It has worked for a few others as well. 

If you want to be advised on this third option, you have to be committed to 6-12 months of hard ass, heartbreaking, soul-crushing work. You will come out of it a better man, whether you divorce or not, setting you up to be a better partner for a future partner.

If not, don't bother and select either door number 1 (suck it up) or door number 2 (divorce).

I'm sorry you are here. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well, she has told me she hates sex, doesn’t believe sex is an important part of the marriage and says I have issues for wanting sex at least 3 times a week...


Sex is a big part of marriage. Advise your W you did not sign up to be a monk. Separation leading to a D is on the table.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

> she hates it and gets really *angry* when I bring up the sex issue


In my opinion everything negative can be transformed into something positive if you change your perspective. 

Odds are your wife has grown uncomfortable with her body as the years take their toll and she feels herself growing older. This in turn has a tendency to create a struggle with self confidence (especially if you ever mention the notion of cheating). So from her perspective she likely feels less and less capable of making you happy. If she tries, you want more which creates a feedback loop of making her feel even more inadequate. 

The solution is to work on her self confidence. Allow your desire for her to be transformed into something that gives her positive energy and makes her feel good about herself. Easier said than done, but at least you have an idea for what direction to swing your machete and try and find your way out of the woods.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I feel your pain. Seems like I wasn’t the only one with the problem.

I chose to have an affair and trust me it didn’t end well.

I’d forget about having sex with her for now and focus on doing things for you. Get yourself ready for life without her and if she comes around great but if she doesn’t you’ll be in a lot better position physically and mentally by then.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> I'm going to be very brief, because this site has seen a rash of posters lately who either lack the ability or willingness to pursue a third option beyond divorce or 'suck it up'.
> 
> There is a third option. It is by far the most difficult option, and it may still eventually result in divorce.
> 
> ...


the 180?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny Mac said:


> We have talked about it and she will make a few changes for like 2 weeks and then it’s back to normal. And you’re right after this I would NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!


I am pretty sure that people who live together have similar issues so its not marriage that is the issue. How is the marriage apart from that?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am pretty sure that people who live together have similar issues so its not marriage that is the issue. How is the marriage apart from that?


Marriage is ok. We get along, we sleep in the same bed, we watch movies together and play around like other couples but just no sex


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sure it does. Are you doing things to make yourself sexually attractive?


Well, I joined the gym and have been trying to eat healthy. Problem is, I’ve done this before and ended up getting attention from a few other women and that’s what ticked her off lol. I wouldn’t cheat on her but I might just...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I always wonder why the person who doesn’t want sex stays in the marriage, not the other way around.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Whatever happens, don't cheat. It's wrong and that will forever be the narrative of why the marriage ended.

If you want to save the marriage, you have to commit to being ready to lose it, either this works or it doesn't... basically you need to clearly describe why it is that you can't continue this way (her choosing for you to be celibate for the rest of your life without your approval) and then you need to actually proceed with the steps of initiating a divorce. She needs to actually feel the potential consequences of her choices.

She will either change her tune or she won't. Marriage works or it doesn't.

Either way, pain ends soon.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> I always wonder why the person who doesn’t want sex stays in the marriage, not the other way around.


Stability and security. That is why threatening to rock those boats often works. (Although why not just move on....)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> I always wonder why the person who doesn’t want sex stays in the marriage, not the other way around.


They already get what they’re happy with in the relationship (no sex) so unless the sexual pursuer does something about it and they’re happy why leave?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> the 180?


The thermostat.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well, I joined the gym and have been trying to eat healthy. Problem is, I’ve done this before and ended up getting attention from a few other women and that’s what ticked her off lol. I wouldn’t cheat on her but I might just...


The intent of working on yourself is to be a more attractive person (and you've seen it happen). But a nice side-benefit to your marriage is that your wife should try harder as you improve and others take note. 

If you're getting attention and all your wife does is ***** about it, it's over. She in all likelihood is done with sex. Better to bail and find a more compatible woman. It will always be your fault. Shoot, you're being blamed for stuff you didn't do!!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> I'm going to be very brief, because this site has seen a rash of posters lately who either lack the ability or willingness to pursue a third option beyond divorce or 'suck it up'.
> 
> There is a third option. It is by far the most difficult option, and it may still eventually result in divorce.
> 
> ...


Farside I'm interested in learning about this third option. At your convenience could you elaborate on this? Thanks.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Johnny Mac said:


> We get along, we sleep in the same bed, we watch movies together and play around like other couples but just no sex


I've done ALL that even with platonic friends. IMO, you're only married in the legal/financial sense, not emotionally, spiritually, or sexually. Why not end this farce and find a true romantic and sexual relationship? I did, at about your age, and not only do I NOT regret doing so, I have _everything_ I ever wanted in a relationship now. (YMMV)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah I told my wife she was like a roommate and no sex = no marriage. Things turned around fairly quickly. A big deal is if you have been ok with in the past you need to stop all your own behaviors that enabled it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Johnny Mac said:


> I know but I’m miserable just waiting around to fulfill my manly needs and I still think that at 43 I’m still too young to just stop having sex completely...


OK, here's something that may come as a surprise. If you go to a sex therapist, you may very well hear a lecture about how it's not your wife's job to provide for your needs.

Try to take "needs" off the table, when it comes to sex. Use the word "intimacy" instead, which is especially appropriate for you because you listed all the other forms of physical communication, alternatives to PIV sex yet are seen as intimate, as being off-limits.

If you want to push back on that, if it comes your way, point out that full intimacy is something, one of the very few things, that, as a married couple, you aren't allowed to share with anyone else. It is one of the things that defines marriage.

And if you haven't seen it yet, I've probably already recommended it in another thread you've posted in, do a quick google search for the Ted Talk "The Sex Starved Marriage." Watch it yourself first, then with your wife. It could be a real wake-up call. At the very least it will get a conversation started.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> I always wonder why the person who doesn’t want sex stays in the marriage, not the other way around.


Because that person may be delusional. They may believe, and be telling others, that they are in a happy marriage. It's the world they wish to wrap around themselves. As long as their partner allows it to continue, why should they think otherwise? They're getting what they want. It's still shocking that they can't see the marriage from any other point of view. But you have to get past that. You can't give credence to their view of the marriage, because that's what you've been doing for so long. 

Why doesn't the deprived person leave? It's just not that easy. Guilt that you may be a part of it, that you're not as good a wife or husband as you could be. Feelings of inadequacy, that if you were a better "lover" things would be different. Investment. You've got a life of memories with this person, and financial entanglements too. Kids. Lots of things. And the what-if. What if the grass isn't really greener on the other side? What if what you have is the best you're going to get?


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I always wonder why the person who doesn’t want sex stays in the marriage, not the other way around.


EXACTLY!!!!


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> I've done ALL that even with platonic friends. IMO, you're only married in the legal/financial sense, not emotionally, spiritually, or sexually. Why not end this farce and find a true romantic and sexual relationship? I did, at about your age, and not only do I NOT regret doing so, I have _everything_ I ever wanted in a relationship now. (YMMV)


I’m gonna have to


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> OK, here's something that may come as a surprise. If you go to a sex therapist, you may very well hear a lecture about how it's not your wife's job to provide for your needs.
> 
> Try to take "needs" off the table, when it comes to sex. Use the word "intimacy" instead, which is especially appropriate for you because you listed all the other forms of physical communication, alternatives to PIV sex yet are seen as intimate, as being off-limits.
> 
> ...


Thanks I’ll look into it


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Leave, there's no saving it. Even I there's improvement it'll be short lived.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> *I am pretty sure that people who live together have similar issues so its not marriage that is the issue.*


Its a huge difference....

In many of these cases, where there is a marriage involved, the divorce becomes so painful on so many levels, that its a double edged sword....Most are left to feel like they are in a maze with no way out...Door number one has the lion, and door number two is the tiger....

And it's easy for some posters to just throw around the "just divorce" advice....It's not that simple and no two are the same...I have friends on both sides of the spectrum...One got a divorce done in 30 days with a form off an online service for under 300 bucks...Another guy lost millions and ready access to his children.....

When there is no marriage contract, you walk away.....Buh bye....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well, she has told me she hates sex, doesn’t believe sex is an important part of the marriage and says I have issues for wanting sex at least 3 times a week...


WTF? Wow.

Have you had a come to Jesus convo with her OP? Does she understand just how serious this is? If not, you need to do so NOW.

I'm also not one to just advise "get a divorce". Especially when there are children involved. Sometimes its unavoidable, but the reality is that divorce is a terrible trauma for kids to have to go through. The bottom will fall out of their world, and they will never truly feel "safe" again. The impact is lifelong. Please try and do all you can to keep the family in tact, if its unsuccessful at least you'll be able to say you tried your best.

**I said sometimes divorce is unavoidable, so don't all come at me lol


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I think if your wife is anything like mine general talking isn’t going to work.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was when she rejected all advances for 6 weeks. Everything else seemed fine, we were getting on well.

She got in bed one night and was moaning about everything under the sun for about 15 mins, about lockdown, the fact that someone had received a covid vaccine when they shouldn’t have, (my wife is under 40), the fact that she hates work, moaning about not being able to go on holiday.

I eventually cut her off and said well at least were healthy and so are the children and you’re lucky to have a job.

Then I said well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up, but you seem to dislike that now as-well, her reply? Silence. Didn’t speak another word and went to sleep.

Next morning she wakes up saying something about not sleeping well then leans over and puts her head on my chest.

Her alarm goes off she gets up and she’s starts her day.

It was like a clip from me, myself and Irene.

I’d also lost a stone in 3 weeks at the time aswell.

Hit her with divorce proceedings. If that doesn’t bring around a change nothing will.


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## Phildaze (Feb 3, 2021)

Johnny Mac said:


> Wife doesn’t like sex, been married over 20 years, no sex last several months and I find myself very horny and willing to cheat on my wife, and she hates it and gets really angry when I bring up the sex issue, also any advice?
> P.S. she’s very cold, doesn’t like oral, hates holding hands, kissing, hugging...what the heck did I marry...


Goodness, I could have wrote this. I have not had sex for 6 years. We have talked about it, she said it hurt, but eventually admitted she doesn't like it. We have talked and had counselling, but she doesn't want to try anything physical. As far as she is concerned if she doesn't want it, then I dont either. I love my wife but I feel awful when I am feeling horny. She doesn't want to engage in anything physical.


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## Phildaze (Feb 3, 2021)

Phildaze said:


> Goodness, I could have wrote this. I have not had sex for 6 years. We have talked about it, she said it hurt, but eventually admitted she doesn't like it. We have talked and had counselling, but she doesn't want to try anything physical. As far as she is concerned if she doesn't want it, then I dont either. I love my wife but I feel awful when I am feeling horny. She doesn't want to engage in anything physical.


Oh, and believe me, If I even said I was feeling that way she brings up divorce, I feel sometimes it be a way out for her, as then I would be the baddie.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Phildaze said:


> Goodness, I could have wrote this. I have not had sex for 6 years. We have talked about it, she said it hurt, but eventually admitted she doesn't like it. We have talked and had counselling, but she doesn't want to try anything physical. As far as she is concerned if she doesn't want it, then I dont either. I love my wife but I feel awful when I am feeling horny. She doesn't want to engage in anything physical.


6 years? You’ve not got a wife you’ve got a housemate.

You’re a patient man!


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## Phildaze (Feb 3, 2021)

I am totally fed up, because when you talk to anyone, they think you are pulling the 'she doesn't understand me line, when in fact I am opening up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I am amazed at all of these men who stay married to women who haven't had sex with them in years and years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I am amazed at all of these men who stay married to women who haven't had sex with them in years and years.


"Decent" wives at least tell you to go and **** someone else...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> "Decent" wives at least tell you to go and **** someone else...


Yeah, no. I disagree that a "decent" wife tells you to go have sex with someone else.

A DECENT person tells you honestly they don't want a sexual relationship with you anymore and makes the divorce process run smoothly and fairly.

That's what a decent person does.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yeah, no. I disagree that a "decent" wife tells you to go have sex with someone else.
> 
> A DECENT person tells you honestly they don't want a sexual relationship with you anymore and makes the divorce process run smoothly and fairly.
> 
> That's what a decent person does.


it was tongue in cheek... I agree with you, although some wives do expect you to just grin and bear it. At least my wife said she understood (just to tell me later I was leaving her for sex)... 🙂


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

OP my advice to you is to keep initiating sex when you want sex. That’s your wife, she is the only one you can have sex with, so keep trying. When she says something to you about it, that’s the time to have a conversation with her. Remind her you are a man after all, and marriage is a sexual relationship, and when there is no sex, there is no longer a marriage. And ask her if she still wants to be married.


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## Anne Rogers (May 18, 2020)

I have to say my marriage has always suffered from lack of affection and intimacy. My husband has a quick temper and is verbally-emotionally abusive. At times he is agreeable and is capable, but chooses not to. He is 13 years older, so I don't think sex is important to him anymore. His attitude is if you don't like it, leave. Needless to say after almost 25 years, I don't feel much. We have a son, so that is the only reason I stay. My happiness comes after his security....he is almost 21, so no matter when or if we split up, it would be diffucult for him. Looking back, I have serious regrets because foolishly, I ignored red flags with personality incompatibilities, etc. but married anyway!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Then I said well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up, but you seem to dislike that now as-well, her reply? Silence. Didn’t speak another word and went to sleep.


Ouch, I presume you were determined not to have sex that evening. Since finishing with "but you seem to dislike that now as-well" looks exactly like going out of your way to avoid sharing sex with your wife.

If that is an example of the usual interactions you had with your wife, it is hardly a surprise that sex was often avoided.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Phildaze said:


> Goodness, I could have wrote this. I have not had sex for 6 years. We have talked about it, she said it hurt, but eventually admitted she doesn't like it. We have talked and had counselling, but she doesn't want to try anything physical. As far as she is concerned if she doesn't want it, then I dont either. I love my wife but I feel awful when I am feeling horny. She doesn't want to engage in anything physical.


Given the fact that you have chosen not to have sex for six years, I think it works well that your wife has no desire to have sex with you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Johnny Mac said:


> Well once we got married it all came out to light...I was like wth?


Yet you chose not to divorce her once it all came to light. Given that you didn't end it then, you are now responsible for having no sex life.


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

frusdil said:


> WTF? Wow.
> 
> Have you had a come to Jesus convo with her OP? Does she understand just how serious this is? If not, you need to do so NOW.
> 
> ...


I’ll try


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

BIL310 said:


> I think if your wife is anything like mine general talking isn’t going to work.
> 
> The straw that broke the camels back for me was when she rejected all advances for 6 weeks. Everything else seemed fine, we were getting on well.
> 
> ...


I’ll look into it


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

re16 said:


> Whatever happens, don't cheat. It's wrong and that will forever be the narrative of why the marriage ended.
> 
> If you want to save the marriage, you have to commit to being ready to lose it, either this works or it doesn't... basically you need to clearly describe why it is that you can't continue this way (her choosing for you to be celibate for the rest of your life without your approval) and then you need to actually proceed with the steps of initiating a divorce. She needs to actually feel the potential consequences of her choices.
> 
> ...


True


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Personal said:


> Ouch, I presume you were determined not to have sex that evening. Since finishing with "but you seem to dislike that now as-well" looks exactly like going out of your way to avoid sharing sex with your wife.
> 
> If that is an example of the usual interactions you had with your wife, it is hardly a surprise that sex was often avoided.


Unfortunately not every woman is like your Wife, we’re after rejection you keep initiating and she comes around.

Ive tried every way you can name, flirted in the day, initiated in different ways. We’ve talked about this the past together. I got on with enjoying things for me, lost weight, worked out. Still nothing.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

re16 said:


> Stability and security. That is why threatening to rock those boats often works. (Although why not just move on....)


I know... I was thinking aloud and I agree with the answer.
I resent the person rejecting sex for staying and not coming clean and finding someone else to have sex with. They are torturing themselves more and being really unfair.
Come on, who out there really doesn’t love an orgasm and getting close to someone in bed, it’s God’s greatest gift. Maybe that’s the bit I don’t understand, people not enjoying sex.

Or maybe they do, just not with the person they’re married to? In any case, they should leave and not the other way around. It’s torture for the person being rejected.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Unfortunately not every woman is like your Wife, we’re after rejection you keep initiating and she comes around.


My wife doesn't come around because I keep initiating, she doesn't need to be convinced to share sex. Since she enjoys the sex she shares, and often finds what we do to be exciting as well. She turns me down for reasons of timing or fatigue, which is easily addressed by my sharing sex with her at other times. Which is exactly the same when I also turn my wife down as well, and we resolve this by her getting to share sex with me at other times.

Oh and my wife has been in a sexual relationship, in which she lost the desire to share sex with a previous sexual partner, and it didn't take long for her to feel that way either.

Healthy sexual relationships, really don't happen by accident. Likewise unhealthy sexual relationships, also don't happen by accident.



> Ive tried every way you can name, flirted in the day, initiated in different ways. We’ve talked about this the past together. I got on with enjoying things for me, lost weight, worked out. Still nothing.


Has your flirting been sustained? I mean did you flirt with her most days when dating. Then carried on flirting with her most days when engaged. Then maintained the same, post marriage, through pregnancy, post children and continued to maintain it as an almost daily thing through all that life presents.

You don't try this stuff because the sex stops, you sustain doing it to see the sex maintained.

Oh and getting on with enjoying things for yourself and exercising in and of itself isn't how to generate sustained sexual desire either. That's almost as useful as doing more chores and playing manservant, which does absolutely nothing to generate sexual desire.

That said from my previous post I guess maybe you don't see it, yet you should understand, that the way you talk to your wife is toxic. Of which neither of you do yourselves any favours by sniping at each other.

That covered her response of silence to what you said makes perfect sense. If you were my spouse and said that to me, I would be loathe to have sex with you and certainly wouldn't be keen to keep talking to you.

If you left your statement at: "well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up", that would be healthy and positive.

Yet you added the following: "but you seem to dislike that now as-well", which is toxic and is a passive aggressive response aimed to hurt her rather than encourage her to desire sex from you.

So you are nourishing an environment that seethes of dislike and resentment as well. Which certainly isn't the path to maintaining or establishing a healthy relationship at all. And one thing for sure that isn't the path to getting a spouse to want to share sex with you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> My wife doesn't come around because I keep initiating, she doesn't need to be convinced to share sex. Since she enjoys the sex she shares, and often finds what we do to be exciting as well. She turns me down for reasons of timing or fatigue, which is easily addressed by my sharing sex with her at other times. Which is exactly the same when I also turn my wife down as well, and we resolve this by her getting to share sex with me at other times.
> 
> Oh and my wife has been in a sexual relationship, in which she lost the desire to share sex with a previous sexual partner, and it didn't take long for her to feel that way either.
> 
> ...


This is perfect and this is where I went wrong... so wrong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Personal said:


> My wife doesn't come around because I keep initiating, she doesn't need to be convinced to share sex. Since she enjoys the sex she shares, and often finds what we do to be exciting as well. She turns me down for reasons of timing or fatigue, which is easily addressed by my sharing sex with her at other times. Which is exactly the same when I also turn my wife down as well, and we resolve this by her getting to share sex with me at other times.
> 
> Oh and my wife has been in a sexual relationship, in which she lost the desire to share sex with a previous sexual partner, and it didn't take long for her to feel that way either.
> 
> ...


 @Personal I love the way you use the term 'share' when discussing sex. It's reminiscent of @MEM2020 saying 'sex is something you do with your partner, not to your partner'.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Personal said:


> My wife doesn't come around because I keep initiating, she doesn't need to be convinced to share sex. Since she enjoys the sex she shares, and often finds what we do to be exciting as well. She turns me down for reasons of timing or fatigue, which is easily addressed by my sharing sex with her at other times. Which is exactly the same when I also turn my wife down as well, and we resolve this by her getting to share sex with me at other times.
> 
> Oh and my wife has been in a sexual relationship, in which she lost the desire to share sex with a previous sexual partner, and it didn't take long for her to feel that way either.
> 
> ...


I completely understand what you're saying, I've probably not flirted every day for the past 22 years we've been together (since we we're just kids at the time we got together) but I've certainly made my fair share of effort given how life goes.

"well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up" - This would have been met with the same silence.

I don't see how I put it was passive aggressive, we'd not sex for 6 weeks, she'd rejected every advance, I'd flirted, tried different times, worked on getting fitter for my own self being, she'd cuddled in bed, put her head on my chest numerous times. Everything else is absolutely fine yet she lies there like a dead body every night. I was simply stating a fact. She either dislikes sex, doesn't want sex with me or whatever but that's the truth.

You disagreed with me the other day when I said to My wife you can squat on me later if you like? That's flirting. Yet you said that's not going to get my wife interested in sex.

Look it from this way, my wife has a husband that works hard, looks after the kids, cooks, does nice things for her, they both get on well, they spend time together on walks, enjoy a drink together of a weekend, she knows full well that he needs to being having more sex with her, and yet the only bone she throws across is a hug or putting her head on my chest at night? In other words what she's saying is, I'm not interested in sex for whatever reason, boredom, whatever and I don't care about my husbands needs either. I know he wants more sex or even some, he's tried different things to get me in the mood but I still don't feel like it and I'm not bothering changing so I don't care. And that's what it boils down to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

BIL310 said:


> ... and yet the only bone she throws across is a hug or putting her head on my chest at night? In other words what she's saying is, I'm not interested in sex for whatever reason, boredom, whatever and I don't care about my husbands needs either. I know he wants more sex or even some, he's tried different things to get me in the mood but I still don't feel like it and I'm not bothering changing so I don't care. And that's what it boils down to.


I don't know the ins and outs of your dynamic, but that doesn't stop me from chiming in! What I found curious is that you consider her hugs and putting her head on your chest as a 'bone' of affection. Personally, I would consider that demonstrates that she wants to be close to you. 

Thinking about flirtation, everyone is going to be different as to the style that suits their personality and dynamic together, but I feel that @Personal makes a good point. In the dynamic of my marriage, there's consistent affectionate touching, compliments, flirtation, playfulness, innuendo. It's just there as part of a consistent interaction between us.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BIL you already told her and she lets it go for six weeks you need to decide if you can live like that or not. I couldn’t.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> They already get what they’re happy with in the relationship (no sex) so unless the sexual pursuer does something about it and they’re happy why leave?


This exactly. Some people are happy to take and don't have a sense of reciprocity (or don't care), for a variety of reasons. The key in this situation is to rattle the cage a bit, so to speak, and make your partner see that what they value is at risk.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DTO said:


> The key in this situation is to rattle the cage a bit, so to speak, and make your partner see that what they value is at risk.


Yes, perhaps even a lot. I went from zero to 100 in intensity but I’m just that way I don’t play around. The playing around was the time before I decided to do something about it.

Of course if the LD partner really is checked out you find that out quickly as well. So either way you get resolution and I was prepared for that.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Personal said:


> That covered her response of silence to what you said makes perfect sense. If you were my spouse and said that to me, I would be loathe to have sex with you and certainly wouldn't be keen to keep talking to you.
> 
> If you left your statement at: "well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up", that would be healthy and positive.
> 
> ...


I'm going to weigh in here, having been in BIL's shoes. I do think that one has to maintain a positive, playful environment conducive to sex. But sometimes the straight, unvarnished truth needs to be said as well. I mean seriously - complaining that your job sucks with all the people out there who can't make rent or even feed themselves?

I would have phrased it differently - more like a direct "you're too negative, you let that negative attitude permeate our interactions, and it is seriously harming our relationship." The caveat here is a negative person will respond negatively to being told they are too negative, so I don't think how he told her would have made a difference.

BIL, you need to kindly but firmly tell your wife that her exceedingly negative attitude is killing your affection for her. You need to further tell her that if she really feels you are just one more thing that is wrong with her life, then you intend to remove yourself from it. The truth is that nobody's life is 100% smooth sailing. We all have things in our daily lives that bother us but most of us manage to deal with it and be good parents, friends, lovers, spouses. Expecting the same of her is not excessive. If she has emotional issues triggering her attitude then she needs to address it ASAP. But the standards for how she treats you should not shift based on what's going on in the world in general (if your lives are stable) or if she's had a bad day at work.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> You disagreed with me the other day when I said to My wife you can squat on me later if you like? That's flirting. Yet you said that's not going to get my wife interested in sex.


Actually I was mostly addressing, a poor approach to getting a woman sexually aroused for penetrative sex. In other words it was about how @Paul55 approached foreplay with a brief massage, so not about flirting at all.



Paul55 said:


> I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it.





Personal said:


> If you want sex to be better and more often. You would do well to be more sexual, less boring and get your wife aroused (massage mostly puts people to sleep) before climbing on top of her.


Of which any man who thinks giving a woman a back rub for a few minutes instead of engaging in sexual foreplay (kissing, sexual touch etc). Will get a woman sexually aroused enough for penetrative sex to be a pleasant experience, doesn't have a clue about how to share decent sex with a woman.

Which saw you quoting me.



BIL310 said:


> I tried that myself, for example my wife told me her personal trainer (a woman! ha) cancelled her sessions because of Covid so I replied well you can practice your squats on me if you'd like and she replied no you're ok I know how to work out thank you very much.


Ergo



Personal said:


> Saying that was hardly going to make your wife get significantly aroused for mounting her for penetration.


Which still stands that saying what you said to your wife in a one off flirting remark, is hardly likely to generate sufficient sexual stimulation to arouse a woman to receive penetrative sex pleasurably.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DTO said:


> I mean seriously - complaining that your job sucks with all the people out there who can't make rent or even feed themselves?


A person can still find their job sucks, despite the fact that there are people who can't make rent or even feed themselves. Of which ones spouse ought to be a safe port, for venting about things that they find difficult.



DTO said:


> so I don't think how he told her would have made a difference.


And that mindset is one of the contributing reasons why, many people find themselves in sexual relationships that devolve significantly or terminally.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't know the ins and outs of your dynamic, but that doesn't stop me from chiming in! What I found curious is that you consider her hugs and putting her head on your chest as a 'bone' of affection. Personally, I would consider that demonstrates that she wants to be close to you.


Absolutely! Unfortunately when one is filled with resentment, such things are not noticed.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yes, perhaps even a lot. I went from zero to 100 in intensity but I’m just that way I don’t play around. The playing around was the time before I decided to do something about it.
> 
> Of course if the LD partner really is checked out you find that out quickly as well. So either way you get resolution and I was prepared for that.


Yes, this exactly is what I mean. I learned by experience that giving more than one or two chances doesn't pay off. After a few instances of reaching out in partnership, it needs to be more like "we need to fix this problem or be done".


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Johnny Mac said:


> she was ok when we got married but then last several years she’s changed


Could she be cheating on you?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I'll just never understand the arm twisting, ultimatums, threats, coercion, etc when it comes to sex....Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone and whatever they want to do is their business, but I don't get it at all...

Why would anyone even want sex from someone that had to be badgered or threatened to do it-even if they broke down and gave in?? Just makes no sense on any level...yet I see it continuously on these threads...I am not being judgmental, I just don't get it on any level...

I'm not saying live life as a celibate person, but at that point the ball is in your court, not hers....She's already checked out...IN my opinion, there is nothing more to do about it from her standpoint...It's all up to you ....I know what I would do, there, but everyone has to find what works for them....

I just always thought that sex should be between two people that are willing and desiring...Silly me???🤨


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Just a quick input about complaining. Batman has a very low-tolerance for_ just_ complaining, which is different to a vent or sorting through an issue. It's not often that I will need him to simply 'listen' as I appreciate his input and perspectives. The flipside to a spouse being a safe port (which in theory, I agree with), is also in potentially providing and sharing a different view. To me, that's how growth can occur. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with one another. This is also where the dynamic and personalities come in. What works for us, may rub someone else the wrong way.

If I am complaining (not venting), the response I might hear from Batman is along the lines of (and tone is important here), a soft yet playful 'Aww, life's hard...' And doesn't matter what I'm griping about, I can't help but laugh. I know he's taking the mickey. In that moment, I pretty much roll-eyes at myself and catch that I'm being a bit of a wotsit. Otherwise, he is more direct 'stop complaining' and might expand on why. When he expresses this, I have no issue with it. Again, because he stops me in my tracks and ultimately I recognize that he has a point. Granted, I'm not one to complain often... and it's no wonder why! (haha) I would rather he express what's on his mind and how he is interpreting me, than not. Although, I recognize that is not what @Personal was suggesting. I just wanted to throw this out there, that it helps me to understand what he's about and in a sense, know where I stand. Like I said, that might not fly in different dynamics, but works well with us.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Personal said:


> A person can still find their job sucks, despite the fact that there are people who can't make rent or even feed themselves. Of which ones spouse ought to be a safe port, for venting about things that they find difficult.


First, I'll point out BIL said she doesn't like to work - not the same as not liking her job. That being said, yes of course you should be able to be vulnerable to your partner. But when that venting and negativity sets the tone at home, it drags everything down.

Here's another way to look at it... Does she come home and say "hi babe, how are you... work sucked and I'm glad to be home" or is it an outpouring of complaints where she brings her work problems home? If it's the latter, she needs to realize that is a huge wet blanket. I am more stressed during COVID from my job (essential, salaried government employee with a lot more to do), but I make a conscious choice to be grateful.



Personal said:


> And that mindset is one of the contributing reasons why, many people find themselves in sexual relationships that devolve significantly or terminally.


Again, I am not necessarily disagreeing with you. However, there are ladies for whom hugging and snuggling, sharing a home, etc. are the pinnacle of a relationship. They are not the majority, but neither are they uncommon. Her trying to get close to him doesn't necessarily mean she wants to maintain a sexual connection. It could mean she is trying to affirm the relationship as it is currently - largely celibate.

Get up, touch base with your person, tackle the day, socialize a bit, come home, go to sleep - rinse and repeat. I have an ex-wife (who I stuck with for too long) and an ex-GF (who I got rid of nice and quick) who liked it just like that. They wanted to be treated like an older teen / college student; you provide lots of support while they go and do their thing. 

I suspect BIL's wife falls into this category, based on what he's saying here and the way it's being said.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> I'm not saying live life as a celibate person, but at that point the ball is in your court, not hers....She's already checked out...IN my opinion, there is nothing more to do about it from her standpoint...It's all up to you ....I know what I would do, there, but everyone has to find what works for them....


It really depends on many factors... for example how much you have invested in the relationship, how long you've been together, the financial situation, the degree of rebuttals, etc... some people prefer to stay and have no sex for a while than disrupting the family. There so many nuances, especially when the relationship is perfect on every level, apart from sex.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Wow! Sounds complicated. I don’t believe people change. There’s always 2 sides to every “story”
You sound like a pitiful victim. That said, the only thing you have control over is yourself. Communication is key here. Tell her your needs and clearly explain, like you have to us total strangers, the consequences if she continues to neglect your need for intimacy. Sex is an important component of a healthy marriage; however, remember, it is NOT the major component. Loving someone thru the years evolves, the dynamic changes because it’s not new anymore. Plus, as we grow older, our responsibilities change but we are still the same people. It’s just some of us deal with life’s challenges differently. The fact you’re contemplating cheating suggests to me you no longer love her. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself if cheating is really going to help you in the long run?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Night Owl1 said:


> Wow! Sounds complicated. I don’t believe people change. There’s always 2 sides to every “story”
> You sound like a pitiful victim. That said, the only thing you have control over is yourself. Communication is key here. Tell her your needs and clearly explain, like you have to us total strangers, the consequences if she continues to neglect your need for intimacy. Sex is an important component of a healthy marriage; however, remember, it is NOT the major component. Loving someone thru the years evolves, the dynamic changes because it’s not new anymore. Plus, as we grow older, our responsibilities change but we are still the same people. It’s just some of us deal with life’s challenges differently. The fact you’re contemplating cheating suggests to me you no longer love her. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself if cheating is really going to help you in the long run?


Sounds to me you've never been a in a sexless marriage...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Night Owl1 said:


> Sex is an important component of a healthy marriage; however, remember, it is NOT the major component.


When it’s not happening and either or both are not happy with that it quickly becomes the major component.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> It really depends on many factors... for example how much you have invested in the relationship, how long you've been together, the financial situation, the degree of rebuttals, etc... some people prefer to stay and have no sex for a while than disrupting the family. There so many nuances, especially when the relationship is perfect on every level, apart from sex.


That's good for them, I suppose....I just wouldn't ever do that....If it isn't happening willingly and with desire and intent, then I am not participating and have no interest in trying to change that persons mind or threaten or intimidate them to comply......Never gonna happen....

You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shyt....no matter how hard you try...IMO...

YMMV as they say...


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds to me you've never been a in a sexless marriage...


Well, it’s certainly not as sexy!!! 😆 I’m getting older!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Night Owl1 said:


> I’m getting older!


Two of us... but at least you are getting some sex... 

EDIT: sorry, I read your thread and I hope you are doing better...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> It really depends on many factors... for example how much you have invested in the relationship, how long you've been together, the financial situation, the degree of rebuttals, etc... some people prefer to stay and have no sex for a while than disrupting the family. There so many nuances, especially when the relationship is perfect on every level, apart from sex.


And those are almost all crappy reasons to stick it out. It would have to be a true emergency / crisis for sticking it out to be a better solution. My take is that people get their self-confidence beat down in these situations and doubt their ability to do better (that certainly was my case) or they can't accept defeat and keep throwing effort at a bad situation (like keeping on fixing a car that belongs in the scrapyard).

The sunk cost fallacy is not just a business term.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BIL310 said:


> I completely understand what you're saying, I've probably not flirted every day for the past 22 years we've been together (since we we're just kids at the time we got together) but I've certainly made my fair share of effort given how life goes.
> 
> "well we could be having fun in the bedroom to cheer ourselves up" - This would have been met with the same silence.
> 
> ...


Your wife either enjoys sex with you or she doesn't. It might be she feels pressure it might be she's just over sex it could be a bunch of different things. Your situation is all too common around here.

There does seem to be at least some affection on her part, which is a hopeful sign. I think you need to figure out a way to get her to understand the lack of sex is just a dealbreaker. Loving a person is not the only important aspect of having a marriage. Sex is a key ingredient, without it you don't have a marriage in my opinion. You seem to be at the breaking point so you need to explain that to her without fear. I'm NOT going to stay in a sexless marriage FULL STOP. Her response might be I don't want to have sex with you, if thats the case well you know what you have to do. If it's I'm stressed, I'm tired etc. well tell her to refer to your previous statement. 

Maybe try starting out by agreeing to scheduled sex. Maybe start with every Saturday night is sex night. Make it fun and relaxed, make sure she orgasms, cuddle and talk after, make sure it is pleasant. The hope here would be the regular weekly sex reminds her that it is enjoyable and brings you closer together. Then maybe with time she enjoys the sex and the feelings and closeness that come with it, then she is more open to and interested in spontaneous unscheduled sex.

But your first order of business is determining if she would rather be single than have sex with you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DTO said:


> And those are almost all crappy reasons to stick it out.


They are crappy reasons to you...


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't know the ins and outs of your dynamic, but that doesn't stop me from chiming in! What I found curious is that you consider her hugs and putting her head on your chest as a 'bone' of affection. Personally, I would consider that demonstrates that she wants to be close to you.
> 
> Thinking about flirtation, everyone is going to be different as to the style that suits their personality and dynamic together, but I feel that @Personal makes a good point. In the dynamic of my marriage, there's consistent affectionate touching, compliments, flirtation, playfulness, innuendo. It's just there as part of a consistent interaction between us.


The issue is that although it’s nice that she will cuddle in bed or rest her head on my chest in can actually make it worse.

I start getting aroused and 5 mins later she’s asleep next to me and I’ve got worked up and erection to deal with!

It’s like having your favourite car parked in the the drive and you can touch it every so often but you can’t get in or drive it.

Its a horrible feeling inside wanting your wife every night and listening to her asleep next to you. it can feel like a really lonely place.

Plus I’m a 40 year old man who needs more than the odd cuddle once in a while!


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Your wife either enjoys sex with you or she doesn't. It might be she feels pressure it might be she's just over sex it could be a bunch of different things. Your situation is all too common around here.
> 
> There does seem to be at least some affection on her part, which is a hopeful sign. I think you need to figure out a way to get her to understand the lack of sex is just a dealbreaker. Loving a person is not the only important aspect of having a marriage. Sex is a key ingredient, without it you don't have a marriage in my opinion. You seem to be at the breaking point so you need to explain that to her without fear. I'm NOT going to stay in a sexless marriage FULL STOP. Her response might be I don't want to have sex with you, if thats the case well you know what you have to do. If it's I'm stressed, I'm tired etc. well tell her to refer to your previous statement.
> 
> ...


i suggested scheduling sex a while ago and was told she couldn’t think of anything worse.

After being rejected numerous times over 6 weeks I completely withdrew. In the sense that I stopped initiating. I value myself and what I bring to the relationship and how I treat her. I’m at my ideal weight almost and I don’t have any issues getting attention so I’m certainly not begging my wife for sex if she’s not into it. If I have to make a decision to leave permanently I’ve got no worries about how my life is going to be. Part of me is actually looking forward to doing whatever I want whenever.

In the past I’d usually wait until we had a drink together and she’s more receptive to my advances but that’s been a vicious circle for years so it was time to make a change. Not to be passive aggressive in any way more to just focus on something else (myself) and things that make me happy that don’t include

The strange thing is as the days go and I’m working on myself I’m finding myself becoming less interested in having sex with her.

I can’t leave at the moment due to finances and kids homeschooling but in June/July I’ll be ready to make a decision. In the next few weeks I’ll be starting lifting weights and getting myself into the condition I’ve promised myself for years. Whether she comes around or not by then I can’t control and don’t even know whether I’ll be receptive.

We went for a walk today and I hadn’t had a pie for a while as I’m cutting down and I got one as a treat and I said to my wife things taste better when you don’t have them for a while. She laughed and said that’s why I’m staying celibate.

Usually I’d launch into a talk about the situation (which never changes anything) but I said nothing and waited. She then said she thinks there is something wrong with her, she’s just stressed with work and it’s like something inside her just shuts her down. And she was talking to her friend and she’s the same.

We got talking about work and stresses and I said unfortunately people who are consumed with work and I used police officers as an example they have a high divorce rate because one in the relationship doesn’t have time for their partner.

I just said what happens is the one person ends up heading left and the other right and before they realise it’s too late. She said something about her work making people redundant etc and she needs her job. She’s been stressed with every job for the last 15 years. I don’t believe the job is stressful it’s her reaction to it. 

I’ve took it with a pinch of salt, she said the same thing in the past, there’s something wrong with me I need to go to a doctors etc etc and she’s never done anything to change it.

I didn’t push it any further as we reached home by then and at the moment I’m just not feeling it myself. I feel totally disconnected from her as a sexual partner and wife.

I think a combination of her general coldness, and constant rejection has taken its toll. I’ve been spontaneous like getting in the shower when she’s in there (then getting swiftly told to get out) to being told to masturbate when I said in bed how much I wanted her.

Onwards and upwards me whether that includes her or not.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BIL310 said:


> i suggested scheduling sex a while ago and was told she couldn’t think of anything worse.
> 
> After being rejected numerous times over 6 weeks I completely withdrew. In the sense that I stopped initiating. I value myself and what I bring to the relationship and how I treat her. I’m at my ideal weight almost and I don’t have any issues getting attention so I’m certainly not begging my wife for sex if she’s not into it. If I have to make a decision to leave permanently I’ve got no worries about how my life is going to be. Part of me is actually looking forward to doing whatever I want whenever.
> 
> ...


I think your attitude of preparing to move forward without her is a good mindset to get into. You've done all you can do, it's up to her now. If I were you I would make the straight statement I'm leaving in 5 months if the sex situation isn't addressed, I've done all I can do I'm done trying so it's up to you now. And what you mean by that is addressing the problem not just agreeing to pity sex once a week, but her actually putting in the time and effort to address what is causing her low/no drive (anxiety, stress, hormones, whatever). If the cause is she has lost sexual attraction to you then there is no addressing it and you're out in 5 months and by then you'll be even more prepared to follow through.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think your attitude of preparing to move forward without her is a good mindset to get into. You've done all you can do, it's up to her now. If I were you I would make the straight statement I'm leaving in 5 months if the sex situation isn't addressed, I've done all I can do I'm done trying so it's up to you now. And what you mean by that is addressing the problem not just agreeing to pity sex once a week, but her actually putting in the time and effort to address what is causing her low/no drive (anxiety, stress, hormones, whatever). If the cause is she has lost sexual attraction to you then there is no addressing it and you're out in 5 months and by then you'll be even more prepared to follow through.


Most of this advice is sound. But in no way would I give her a timeline to fix her issue. He needs to go protect himself and then just drop the bomb on her - get a lawyer, know his rights, protect himself, move on.

Right or wrong, she feels she is justified in being a poor sexual partner. So, there's a risk that when she knows divorce is coming she's going to start scheming. It does happen: my ex spent community money before separating and tried to hide more of it. A friend of mine lost her job and biggest asset (50% of the family business) when her ex-husband ran it into the ground and trashed her rep out of spite. 

The point is that people suck and lash out when they're going to take a hit. It's already been said that (1) her job might be doing cutbacks and (2) she really doesn't like to work anyways. No way I'd trust her to play it straight. His best bet is to get a lawyer and offer a fair settlement that avoids tons of attorney fees.

If BIL's intent is to give his wife a last change to fix the issue, then she can do that after separation. It takes months for divorces to move through the court system; that time will be her chance to show genuine remorse and willingness to change (if there is any).


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

DTO said:


> Most of this advice is sound. But in no way would I give her a timeline to fix her issue. He needs to go protect himself and then just drop the bomb on her - get a lawyer, know his rights, protect himself, move on.
> 
> Right or wrong, she feels she is justified in being a poor sexual partner. So, there's a risk that when she knows divorce is coming she's going to start scheming. It does happen: my ex spent community money before separating and tried to hide more of it. A friend of mine lost her job and biggest asset (50% of the family business) when her ex-husband ran it into the ground and trashed her rep out of spite.
> 
> ...


Makes sense to me.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> The issue is that although it’s nice that she will cuddle in bed or rest her head on my chest in can actually make it worse.
> 
> I start getting aroused and 5 mins later she’s asleep next to me and I’ve got worked up and erection to deal with!
> 
> ...


I was you 24 years ago, when I was 40. I stayed you until two years ago when some things were discovered that might be responsible for what was, and wasn't, going on. I should not have stayed; I should have forced the issue back then and likely moved on, or if things came around, enjoyed the second half of my life a lot more. 

Please resolve to tackle things sooner than later. Accelerate the issue, bring it to the front and deal with it. Set a deadline; a year in therapy without results would be a no-brainer for moving on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> The issue is that although it’s nice that she will cuddle in bed or rest her head on my chest in can actually make it worse.
> 
> I start getting aroused and 5 mins later she’s asleep next to me and I’ve got worked up and erection to deal with!
> 
> ...


Yep, been there. My wife used to say... after 2 weeks of no sex... can you just cuddle me? I just couldn't. You get an erection, you get very horny and then you can't act on it. Eventually, I moved out of the bedroom. Now, this worked for me, but put a massive wedge (lol) between us and my wife started detaching. So, I would not recommend it. In fact, I would advice to cuddle...  I'm being serious.


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## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Deguello said:


> Could she be cheating on you?


Don’t think so...she doesn’t stay late after work, does not go out by herself, doesn’t go to the bar, doesn’t hide her phone


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