# I need a safe place to cry



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I thought things were pretty stable in my marriage. I have the normal ups and downs of a troubled relationship, with young kids and recurring depression. Today, I went to my secret therapy, and felt miserable after filling out the questionnaire. I could not hold back the tears. I wanted to believe I was in recovery and things will slowly get better, and my marriage isn't doomed. Yes, we still fight about money, the kids, and the house. I avoid some pain from not fighting so much that it gets too ugly, but is that so wrong? He calls it being distant. I call it saving my mental health. My gut tells me we are both pretending like the other doesn't exist. We make our own decisions about our lives and the kids. When we differ in our decision about the kids or the house, then we collide. Last night, Hubby was angry because I didn't let him throw away my mail. He wanted to use my bag that I kept it in. Why didn't he just ask me if I had a spare bag? (I have a dozen of those shopping bags.) Tonight's fight was when he arranged for our kids to see their cousin's play without me. Why would he assume I wasn't invited? I already accepted the invite last week, why would he plan like I was non-exist and arrange his sister to drive and babysit them? These things may seem minor, but it shows how inconsiderate he is about me. Yesterday, I threw away something of his that was moldy, and I thought he would be furious if he found out. Why do I get so fearful? I really thought our marriage was going to end due to mold, a child's play, and a shopping bag. Stupid me I let things hang on a string, and keep kissing and making up when we have a fight. Fortunately we aren't angry at the same time. I need a place to monitor my process. I need to feel like someone has gone through these problems and survived. I need a release, a safe haven, a human soul to help wipe my tears.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Why is it a secret that you are going to therapy?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I thought things were pretty stable in my marriage. I have the normal ups and downs of a troubled relationship, with young kids and recurring depression. Today, I went to my secret therapy, and felt miserable after filling out the questionnaire. I could not hold back the tears. I wanted to believe I was in recovery and things will slowly get better, and my marriage isn't doomed. Yes, we still fight about money, the kids, and the house. I avoid some pain from not fighting so much that it gets too ugly, but is that so wrong? He calls it being distant. I call it saving my mental health. My gut tells me we are both pretending like the other doesn't exist. We make our own decisions about our lives and the kids. When we differ in our decision about the kids or the house, then we collide. Last night, Hubby was angry because I didn't let him throw away my mail. He wanted to use my bag that I kept it in. Why didn't he just ask me if I had a spare bag? (I have a dozen of those shopping bags.) Tonight's fight was when he arranged for our kids to see their cousin's play without me. Why would he assume I wasn't invited? I already accepted the invite last week, why would he plan like I was non-exist and arrange his sister to drive and babysit them? These things may seem minor, but it shows how inconsiderate he is about me. Yesterday, I threw away something of his that was moldy, and I thought he would be furious if he found out. Why do I get so fearful? I really thought our marriage was going to end due to mold, a child's play, and a shopping bag. Stupid me I let things hang on a string, and keep kissing and making up when we have a fight. Fortunately we aren't angry at the same time. I need a place to monitor my process. I need to feel like someone has gone through these problems and survived. I need a release, a safe haven, a human soul to help wipe my tears.


I follow your posts and I can't begin to tell you how sad they sometimes make me. This post you wrote is very upsetting to read. I don't know what it's going to take ??? for you to just see your husband for what he is.
and leave... I am so fearful for you that you will get sick, some terrible disease and your husband will use that as an opportunity to begin kicking you, whiile your down.
You are in my prayers... Nobody deserves the husband you have, as he is just awful. At least from where I am... he looks to be about as awful as they come. I pray for you some divine intervention comes your way, to spare you from all this nonsense you have to endure and I also pray you will try your best to keep up your physical and mental health
and not let him beat you down.

Your husband is a bad, immature man. Period.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks for your replies, I really feel less teary now. I still need to feel safe.

I realize that Hubby is very irritable, but trying very hard. I didn't ask him to try, I want him to be himself. Today, we firmly decided to refinance our house, closing next week hopefully. Hubby decided to take out an additional $2000 to avoid any closing costs. I guess that is better than the original $10,000 he wanted to take out. But the kicker is that he wants me to pay for the extra monthly payment and any unforeseen expenses for the next 6 months since he "needs" to finance his daughter's fluffy education. He even gripes about paying a few hundred to fix the furnace that I have been complaining about every winter for the last 6 years. I can deprive myself of restaurant dining, and extra toys for the kids, but I will not give up on clean healthy air to breathe. Every morning we wake up coughing and dry, and Hubby thinks I will lay down and die. I am so mad that he has these twisted priorities. He was willing to spend thousands on ski trip (I can't ski), but won't fix up the house to be more livable. He wants to pay for his daughter's dormroom partying ($2500 per quarter), but won't support our boys taking a $20 classes at the community rec center.

This morning he complained that I stored a rug in another room while I vacuumed, and he threatened to throw it away behind my back. I told him I rather keep the rug than him from the way he was overreacting. Also, he refuses to watch the kids when I have other plans, including sleeping to go to work. I just don't get where his behavior is coming from. Is he faking nice to keep his income to pay for his daughter's college? I see absolutely no reason why he wants to stay married to me if all he does is get on my nerves. I don't want him to spend time with me, or the kids as if he does not enjoy it. 

Upcoming, I have to decide if I can keep my two jobs, since the hours are changing where they overlap now. Hubby wants to get his weekends free to play band with his ex-wife, but he still wants me to earn a full income and watch the kids. I can't go back to working less, since Hubby still refuses to support our two kids. I feel like I am being very stupid, and I should have gotten that divorce, and received that hefty child support. Emotionally I can't leave. Things must get better, I just need to know the next step.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

preso said:


> I follow your posts and I can't begin to tell you how sad they sometimes make me. This post you wrote is very upsetting to read. I don't know what it's going to take ??? for you to just see your husband for what he is.
> and leave... I am so fearful for you that you will get sick, some terrible disease and your husband will use that as an opportunity to begin kicking you, whiile your down.
> You are in my prayers... Nobody deserves the husband you have, as he is just awful. At least from where I am... he looks to be about as awful as they come. I pray for you some divine intervention comes your way, to spare you from all this nonsense you have to endure and I also pray you will try your best to keep up your physical and mental health
> and not let him beat you down.
> ...


Emotionally, I feel I am being beaten down, but physically Hubby won't hurt me. This is the reason I secretly seek my own therapy and support. Mostly, I feel financially abused, and that doesn't hurt as much.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm not physically abused either, but the emotional toll is brutal. One thing I've learned in my own story is that mental health is a lot bigger deal then I thought it ever was.



> Hubby wants to get his weekends free to play band with his ex-wife


What is that about?

You might need the lay the law down with him - force him to shape up or ship out.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

Um, honey, you need to make some decisions. It is not worth your mental health to stay in any relationship. By the way, your kids are watching this poor behavior from your husband and learning from it. It's impacting them. Much more profoundly than you think. It's not right - for them or for you. Quietly, carefully, get some professional advice.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Today, a furnace guy is coming, and Hubby is all peeved that it will be $1000, but it is $2000 less then the previous estimate, so why doesn't he just let it go? Instead he throws a hissy fit and says he will call off work becasue I upset him by being hopeful that our family can breather better air. Sometimes you have to take risk to make something better, just like our marriage.

He claims he is frazzled by helping our son with a nosebleed. I helped him with his 100 other nosebleeds he had in his life, why is Hubby stressed by this one? He should be a helpful, caring dad, period. Again, I look forward to the possibility that the kids and I will have no nosebleeds, no dry skin, and no respiratory ailments from the bad air from the furnace. I just know Hubby is thinking the $1000 needs to pay for his daughter, and not toward me and his sons. He isn't even paying the furnace fee, I told him he can owe me in 4 years. He should be thankful for me paying so much household expenses, but no, he wants to blame me for using an angry tone.

On top of that he okayed his mother to stay with us for 2 weeks in December without asking me. The last time she and I had a huge argument and we had a bigger argument over an email. More or less she is siding with my hubby, giving my stapdaughter free money to party at the bars instead of using her funds to pay tuition. I can't stand MIL, and Hubby sympathizes but refuses to tell her to find her own place. My plan is to take the two kids and spend Christmas with my brother out of town while she is here. I know that is cruel, but she has disrepected me as "the wife of her son" way too long. I am sick of her bailing out the Ex-wife, and pretending I don't exist. It sounds too much like what Hubby is doing. He will be gone all day and evening today, and I am relieved I have one day to relax and not hear his lame attempts to be nice.

(Sorry, I am in a funky mood, again.)


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I think you're victimizing yourself too much. I don't want to upset you but someone's got to say it. Yes, it's true, your husband may be a jerk, and your mother in law and everyone. In fact, most women can relate to you at one point in their lives when they feel so vulnerable that it feels like the world is against them. But you have to stand up, put on a smile and try to make your own self happy. It's a part of life. 

Right now you seem to take every situation and turn it into a negative one where you are the victim or being hurt. You've already established in your head that your hubby is more loving towards his daughter and not so much towards his sons (which could simply mean he was raised to protect a girl whereas he thinks his 'little men' can handle their own selves). While your husband has no reason to treat you bad, always remember that you're acting angry and annoyed towards him all the time too. And he won't change if you won't change. Doesn't matter who started first and what is happening. 

Again, I'm sorry if I upset you. But you seem to be bothered even when the man tries to be nice from what you say.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Yesterday was a good day. Hubby had apologized for being mean and grumpy. He blamed it on me, but that's okay, we can predict each other's reaction pretty accurately by now. But that wasn't what made me feel better. It was his sister that offered some insight. She still has a horrible realtionship with her mom, and agreed to take MIL in for one week only. SIL also recommended another good free resource, so I can safely vent to a real professional rather than other anonymous unhappy married folks. Just feeling someone understands or is willing to try, and not judge you critically is a huge comfort. SIL and I can commiserate with me, and could be a way better ally than my brother. I have yet to find a reply in all the months I have been on this forum who is able to help me get better. I realize it is impossible to know my whole story, so I don't expect online people to be my support system. I intentionally posted this thread in ladies lounge to avoid a certain type of reply, so I am happy it has worked so far. Words are very powerful. They can be therapeutic if chosen wisely.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

I couldn't agree with you more. I came here looking for advice and support - not criticism. I've gotten all of the above, I guess that is human nature? Who knows.... Anyway, please feel free to message me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. I won't judge nor criticize. Good luck and I am very happy that your SIL can help.


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## Girl33 (Nov 27, 2009)

.............


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks for your replies, I really apreciate it.

I mostly only come back to gripe some more. Being Thanksgiving and family times are more frequent, I have grown more resentful of Hubby. He kept complaining about seeing my side of the family, since he had to face my brother who is supportive of my decision to divorce if matters worsen. We had two dinners, the second one on Friday to accomodate my sister in law's husband. I was so glad that Ex-wife didn't show. Stepdaughter begged her to come, but Ex-wife really wanted my husband to do the begging. Hubby ended up seeing Ex-wife for Band instead, again without forwarning me. I have got to make him quit. I gave up half my income to spend more quality time with the kids and Hubby. I am not going to let him waste it on developing a deeper relation with his Ex, which was supposed to dissolve completely after Stepdaughter turned 18.

Stepdaughter is pretty ditzy. She left her bank card in the ATM and got $300 stolen. She also doesn't know when her finals are. I really hope she doesn't flunk out, only because Hubby will waste another $5500 next quarter regardless. I was also peeved that Hubby delayed cleaning one bathroom as promised before Thanksgiving guest arrived. Only when I reminded him that his daughter uses that bathroom did he rush up and clean it yesterday. I just don't understand why he won't clean it for his sons who live in this house 24/7. He just places higher priority on everyone else except me or his sons. 

I have know this for years, and I still can't find the way to straighten him out. Fixing myself is just a bandaid for the deeper wounds. One of our sons is in a bad behavior pattern, and I know it's getting us all frustrated. Only our youngest son seems to be coping with problems effectively.

It's my birthday on Tuesday, and I really don't want to go out on a date with Hubby. I was doing so well being happier without him around. I don't want to ruin the no-fighting streak by voluntarily spending alone time with him. That's pretty sad, huh? If I could only believe his lies and love him the way he is, I can claim to be happily married again. I may be cheating myself out of a better future if I give in all the time.

I forgot to mention my sister in law. She must have told some of our conversation to him. He told me she can't be trusted, and she will gossip with everyone else about our marital problems. I am positive it already happened between SIL and MIL, which is fine. MIL was normal on the phone as if she thinks of our last big fight didn't happen. So, I guess I can't trust anyone on Hubby's side of the family with my feelings, but maybe I can get some insights from a person that has known him longer than me.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Girl33 said:


> .............



I am glad I read your post before you deleted it. I hope you are doing okay on the forum.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Hubby and I went to a simple pizza buffet and a dollar movie, both my ideas to get a good deal. The movie was great, had an obsessive blogger, so I can relate. Today, I had to give my final decison which job to keep, so I told Hubby that I still dislike him spending Band time with his Ex-wife. I told him he can stay until he found another band. He didn't want to quit the Band, despite many times I have shown jelousy and discontent with his behavior. He said he will just not tell me all the bonding moments he has in the band, and just hide it from me. This is the same crap he tells me about his internet girlfriend. If he just doesn't tell me he cheats doesn't make it not true. It just makes him a deceitful liar too. So I fought back the sobs until he stopped talking, and then he left with one son, and hasn't come back yet. He said he was hurt. I told him he hurt me, and he claims it's always about me. Of course, it's always me, I will always be me. If he wants to be childish and never show any emotions, and then get all pouty when he defends his Ex-wife, of course I will be pissed. Don't mess with our kids, and pretend nothing happened. I called it like it is. I knew we can't be alone without fighting. He messes up my schedule too, I have plans at 6:30 and he's not back. I feel better after seeing my sons' happy faces. I predict Hubby will act normal when he comes back, and I will forgive him, while neither of us know why the other is really upset.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

It *IS* about you! I'm so sorry you're going through this. The ex-wife should never be an issue.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It has been another horrible week. The ex-wife has a birthday this month too, and Hubby paid for a dinner party for 10 of his family members to honor her, probably close to $200 restaurant bill. He also bought her a mylar balloon. On my birthday, I got a $20 crappy pizza date and dollar movie with the bonus argument in the car, and no gift whatsoever. 

Stepdaughter stayed with us for a few days, she sleeps in until 200pm, so I barely know she is here. I told Ex-wife that I was grateful she was paying all of the winter tuition. She acted all surprised that I knew she was scamming her way out of her financial responsibility. She claims she has to pay her income taxes in January, and might not have any money. I wish I had the nerve to just tell her she is full of baloney.

Hubby was acting weird again. He doesn't want me to be happy. He says going to meet with Ex-wife for band makes him happy, and me telling him I don't like it, says that I am controlling him, preventing him from being happy. He doesn't want to be by my side. He had all day Saturday to himself while I did lots of activities with the kids. He was off doing his own thing. We had a lunch anniversary with my parents, and Hubby was all moody because I told him to let my parents pay for the lunch, they invited us. I have been buying all the presents for the kids, and he still doesn't think there is a money problem. 

I realize I am all mixed-up with my sleep when I work my weekend nights, so I know I will feel better on Monday. Do I want to continue to be like this? I know I had taken a huge risk when I went down that divorce path, so I can't go there now. I need to at least be functional all week, longterm before I can make clear decisions. Logically I see no benefit for either of us to stay in the same house. Marriage has parenting,housing and insurance benefits, but nothing else. 

Thanks for letting me complain.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It can't possibly be my fault every single time we fight. He knows I have a pattern of my workweek nights. There is no excuse for him to leave our 4 year old unattended while he naps. He also screwed our babysitters (my family) by staying out late after his band gig, and he said he only made $10. What kind of band practices 3 hrs/wk and plays 4 hrs, and earns only $10!? He ought to work minimum wage flipping burgers and make better money.

But that wasn't why he was crabby. It started because I offered him cookies and chocolate candy that I brought home from work, I said I didn't like them. Then he started to argue about how he enjoyed sleeping in the basement, probably because he has his favorite mitress (his computer) inches away from his bed. He demands I take medication to control my moods. He is the one that snaps at me when I am trying my best to care for the kids on 2 hours sleep every single frigging weekend. I went to bed and ignored my favorite TV show because he was just so abusive. A sane woman should have left him years ago.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I just read through all your posts and your husband sounds like he does a lot of things on purpose to ruin your relationship.
Why are you putting up with all this...
What are you getting out of this relationship?
I think you take your kids and start a life of your own, you have 2 jobs you can make it work without him.
He doesn't sound like he is really wanting to make you happy or make you feel secure.....It all sounds like it's to much to deal with........
You have a lot of future to live, why do it this way......
Some things just aren't worth it.
Sorry so negative, but I think he is abusing you in many ways.
good luck


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

jessi said:


> I just read through all your posts and your husband sounds like he does a lot of things on purpose to ruin your relationship.
> Why are you putting up with all this...
> What are you getting out of this relationship?
> I think you take your kids and start a life of your own, you have 2 jobs you can make it work without him.
> ...


Thanks for reading my posts, I hope you mean in this thread and not all 500-some of them. I had a lot of ups and downs and no one thread has been able to capture all my struggles. 

Last night, Hubby wanted to pick a fight about how I save things in a safe area like my den, where he doesn't walk in. I store a large toy there, and I also store a rug in the back of my car, to protect these items from getting thrown away by Hubby. Hubby has his safe spots in the house, a whole lower level, more than I do, and now he thinks I have the problem. I have been working my tail offf to give the kids a fun Christmas and birthday, and he barely helped at all.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I tried to be flexible with the new years eve plans. Hubby was difficult, he can't commit to a time and firm plan, so I was busy cleaning house and watching the kids at the same time, same as any other day. I actually work harder and stress more on holidays. Hubby took a day off to party with his classmates, but canceled his party plans. 

So we ended up frustrated and he blamed me for my moodiness. Watching another dollar movie after arguing all day was not my idea of a fun time. The movie was juvenille humor, and it showed how much I hated Hubby's whole moral character. 

My new therapist favored a divorce, telling me I am more likely now to be granted full custody since Hubby does not want to take care of young kids, so the longer I wait the more self-sufficient the kids and the less I have to gain. I want my sons to have a better male role model, but can't gather the emotional strength to drag myself into that miserable place again. Divorce is painful, too much for my fragile personality.

Everything he says makes me wonder how I ever loved him. For example, he wants to spend over $400 to buy a new camcorder, to film his daughter's dance recitals, but not to capture any of our sons development. The past 8 years of photos, he was never there in any of their growing up moments. He doesn't need a new filming hobby, he needs to be there for me and his sons. Or how he wants to have his ex-wife babysit our sons, because she is lonely emptynester. The obvious answer, tell her to get a second job and pay tuition now, or give Daughter back, let her stay at home, and save $3000 per quarter. No way am I letting his Ex be more important than me. 

He is still a decent guy, so I can't hurt him. I don't think I am being blindsided. He just doesn't have the common sense to see things through my eyes. It's like punishing a child for having a tantrum when he doesn't know any other alternative. I need to teach Hubby, my sons, and me the skills to cope.

I also concluded I need medical drug intervention to get me through another major decision. A new year can't be any worse than last.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Another cycle just ended. If divorce was a one day thing, I would've, should've taken care of this years ago. Even after crying more tears and given in to more stupid requests, I concluded I am just too nice. He is asking for more freedom, and return to his evil ways, and I was furious because I spent the last few months going through hell to recover, and he wants to undo all my efforts to save the marriage. He wants a single lifestyle, but keep me hanging around. He wants to be free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, no wife or kids to know his whereabouts or plans. He says there is no "we" in our marriage, and I had to fix myself by taking meds. He reiterated the meds was the only thing that can get him to be happy with our marriage. I just know he is all wrong for me, I can't even trust or tell if his promises are real or another bluff to get me to stay longer. What if he is only waiting until I run out of money before leaving me? Or he just wants the free sex and free housekeeping that he gets with a marriage. Really, he gains nothing more from being married to me. I offer and crave a companion, a confidante and a true best friend, and slowly he has evolved into the opposite. I am afraid to talk or spend time with him, because we may fight about stupid stuff. I am always so tempted and excited by the possibilty that he will agree to divorce. For me, it would spell enormous freedom, but also inevitable loneliness. I can't just think of myself. The kids will be the target of his abuse if I file for divorce. Why can't I gently, unknowingly persuade him to be a better father and husband? I need to follow through with a firm plan for change. If I just quietly fix myself, he won't notice or care. I need big help.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Wow, I feel terribly for you... Your situation sounds... just so sad.

I'm not sure what to say other than this relationship is slowly killing your heart. And the perception of marriage that your children have. They see your husband treating you (and them) this way and it's sticking. 

What kind of abuse are you thinking they will be a target of if you divorce? Do you have ways to control that? Is it any different than the abuse they're suffering from now (both from him and from watching how he treats you).

I really can't say what you want to hear. But I can tell you that my heart breaks for you and I truly, truly hope you can see your way out of this and FAST.


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