# Am I in the wrong?



## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

This is my first post here on the forum, so I suppose I should start with a tid bit of backstory.

First of all, my husband and I are both in our twenties, he is three years older than I am. We've been married a year, and, yes, as most we say, we did marry young. Being young, I figured that our sex life would be... to put it bluntly, passionate and crazy. In the months leading up to our marriage, it was just that. We were incredibly open with each other, talked often, loved often, and were always thinking of new and exciting ways to be intimate. 

The minute we moved into our home together, he became very distant. He didn't want to talk to me about my problems, but became very cross when I didn't tell him of mine. He would grow agitated if ever I had his phone in my hands or looked over his shoulder while he was browsing the internet. Worst of all, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He spent more time watching pornography and finding time to himself to please his needs, had photographs of random naked women as the backgrounds to his desktop and cellular device, and within the first three months, he had completely shut off any chances of getting close. I love my husband more than anything else in this world, and I gave up my college, social life, and career to move across the country to be with him.. so the shut down really hurt me. At that point, I will admit, I became horrible to be around. I didn't want to sleep in bed with him. I didn't want to talk to him. I was terrified that I'd made a decision that was the wrong one. After about two months of just keeping away from each other, my husband and I started to grow close again. He spoke to me about how I was feeling, and I agreed to, only if he talked to me as well. We both had a good cry, then we started sharing a bed once more. It didn't take long for his sex drive around me to dwindle to next to nothing, and suddenly, it seemed like I was having to beg for sex. I tried climbing on top of him, but he pushed me off. I tried asking for different ways to have sex, he wanted nothing or a quicky. I could put on a sexy outfit and flaunt my features; he would ignore it. After a while, I outright told him that I wanted to be more sexually active, and he really did try to comply... but whenever we had sex, it was out of pity for me. He didn't seem to like it at all. He would finish, get out, and go to sleep.. and leave me "hanging", so to speak. 

Now, let me say, my husband works five to seven days a week, eight to ten hours a day. He works hard, and is often tired. I have worked around his schedule to try and put in time for sexual activity for when he is up and able. He usually ignores such scheduling, though, and apts to play video games until he is no longer awake enough to be intimate. If we do have sex, it is, as I feel, just something he does to get me to shut up. 

Around three months ago, I discovered that my husband was having a long distance relationship with a woman that he has known for quite some time. It was not exactly a sexual relationship... more that it was a loving relationship. He would tell her about wanting to kiss her and hold her, be her "knight in shining armor" when she would speak of things troubling her. This was a woman that I had invited to our wedding, and she was knowledgeable that he was married. Of course, I didn't discover about this relationship until my husband and I actually traveled to the city where the woman lived. I know that it is terrible of me, but after he informed me that he was to visit her and stay the night, not to be worried because she was simply one of his closest friends, I began to distrust him. Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar. I let it slip by, and I didn't mind too much. But then he left his phone in my car-- and I did the horrible deed of going through his text messages. The two of them had been having secret relationship dating back to two months after our marriage, and maybe even earlier than that (I was too horrified to keep reading once I realized how long it had been going on). I confronted him, he promised that he would not speak with her again, promised nothing had happened between them (sexually), and informed me that he loved me more than anything else in this world.

After that, with the conformation and tears that he shed at the thought of losing me, our love seemed to be heightened. The sex was wonderful. He asked me what I enjoyed, tried to satisfy me every time before letting himself be satisfied... It was just the turn-over that we needed to get our marriage going again. He went to work, texted me up until he was on his way home, talked of what foods he liked, things that I should try cooking for him, ways to keep our life in bed exciting, what he liked me to wear.. It was so perfect. So, of course, it hardly lasted a month. He started saying that he was always tired again. Which, with how much he disliked his job, was completely fair. Then, he was always online. Then, he would always satisfy himself when I wasn't around. Okay. That's alright. At the very least, he hadn't started putting naked women on his phone and computer as he had before. We were still talking often about our troubles. But we were never having relations. And even though we slept in the same bed, it felt like we were miles apart. Physically and spiritually. We would try to cuddle, but would end up on opposite sides of the bed within minutes. Not long ago, I saw her name on his facebook.. he quickly shuts down his sites when I come by, so I doubt he knows that I saw... I don't want to mess up what little bit of love we still have. I feel like I am just not doing everything right. My husband is a very good person, but he does have a slight anger problem and gaming obsession. And he makes it clear that the PC is his main priority. It doesn't help that I am a terribly insecure woman, and the other woman is.. well, she is very beautiful and very well-off. I think back to their text messages, and he would wake in the mornings and send her messages to tell her that she is beautiful... and I am lucky to be called cute once a week.. I know that all of this just sounds like one horrible pity party, and it sort of is. I just. Have no idea what to do. I've talked about her before and nowadays, the subject just makes him incredibly defensive. He is literally all that I have here in this new town, and the thought that he has someone else when I have to rely solely on him for companionship.. I don't know. I want to be able to have sex with my husband two to three times a week. I want to be able to hear him say that he loves me without himself saying it condescendingly. I want to be able to give him a peck on the cheek or lips without him questioning what I am doing.. and I want to be reassured that he thinks that I am as beautiful as the day we became one person in holy matrimony. I know that my husband is an honest man.. and I hate how hard it is for me to trust him, especially now that he is starting to act as he did before.

Apologies for making this so long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you meet your husband? 

Was yours a long distance relationship before you married?


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

Oddly enough, yes, we were. My husband and I grew up in the same home town and dated for a bit over a year, then broke it off so that I could focus on school and work. After that, however, he joined the military, and from there we got together once again and became a long distance relationship.

Edit: We met through a mutual church friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DNAlchemist said:


> Oddly enough, yes, we were. My husband and I grew up in the same home town and dated for a bit over a year, then broke it off so that I could focus on school and work. After that, however, he joined the military, and from there we got together once again and became a long distance relationship.
> 
> Edit: We met through a mutual church friend.


Your husband is a typical person addicted to games, online porn, online sex, cyber relationships and long distance relationships. 

As soon as you moved in with him he cannot deal with you. The fantasy caused by cyber connection and long distance is gone. You are now read and he cannot handle a real relationship. With gaming , internet porn and social media this kind of thing is becoming very common.


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

Well, as much as he is more or less that kind of person, when we dated before marrying, we did live together, and we had no such problems what-so-ever. But, I will talk to him about what you're saying, and I very much appreciate the advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DNAlchemist said:


> Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar.





DNAlchemist said:


> My husband is a very good person, but he does have a slight anger problem and gaming obsession.





DNAlchemist said:


> I know that my husband is an honest man.. and I hate how hard it is for me to trust him, especially now that he is starting to act as he did before.


Your husband is not a good man… a good man does not treat his wife the way he is treating you.

Your husband is a liar. He has been lying to you this entire marriage while he has an affair with another woman.

He is not honest and you know it no matter what words you write. This is why you do not trust him.


DNAlchemist said:


> . I know that it is terrible of me, but after he informed me that he was to visit her and stay the night, not to be worried because she was simply one of his closest friends, I began to distrust him. Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar. I let it slip by, and I didn't mind too much.


Why would you go along with your husband sleeping over at another woman’s house? Of course he has sex with you. He took you on a trip to her city so he could have sex with her. Let that sink in.


DNAlchemist said:


> But then he left his phone in my car-- and I did the horrible deed of going through his text messages. The two of them had been having secret relationship dating back to two months after our marriage, and maybe even earlier than that (I was too horrified to keep reading once I realized how long it had been going on).


There is really no privacy in marriage. You have every right to look through his stuff just as he does your stuff. Your very mental and physical health can be at risk for things he does, so you have the right to protect yourself.


DNAlchemist said:


> I confronted him, he promised that he would not speak with her again, promised nothing had happened between them (sexually), and informed me that he loved me more than anything else in this world.


A person who loves you does not treat you this way. You are convient for him. You are around and company.

Do you keep house for him? 

Can you go back to where you lived before and get back into your life? I feel so badly for you. What he is doing it not right. It’s a form of serious mental/emotional abuse. Have you told anyone back home, your friends and family, about this? You need help to get out of this marriage before there is nothing left of your self worth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DNAlchemist said:


> Well, as much as he is more or less that kind of person, when we dated before marrying, we did live together, and we had no such problems what-so-ever. But, I will talk to him about what you're saying, and I very much appreciate the advice!


Look up internet addiction and porn addiction.

I was married to a man like your husband. It's a pattern that we see often. 

Your husband is having an affair. You need to deal with that as well. He has to give her up, write her a no-contact letter. He has to prove to you that he has ended the relationship. 

Go to the coping with infidelity forum. That's where this thread belongs anyway. 

You can ask a moderator to move it there. 

You need help in knowing how to deal with this. You gave up way too much to have thrown it away to be treated this way.


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

I spoke only to my two closest friends about the issue, and both told me to stay with him. Sadly, the only people I would have back in my old home town are his parents, as my old home was lost, as was my job, due to the marriage. I would love to say that I could go back, but as my own parents were both physically and emotionally abusive, I would merely be worse off there.. 

As for keeping house, yes, I do keep house for him. 

And with your helpful advice, I do have a hard time seeing his relationship with the women as cheating. I can't in my heart believe that he did have relations with her.. but I will take your words into heavy consideration. I will definitely look into the infidelity forum, and once my husband returns home (he is currently on a business trip), I will be speaking with him on the issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your two closest friends? Do they come from abusive homes?

If you cannot move back home then it would be wise for you to get back into school and get a job where you are. Start getting out and meet people. YOu need this. 

I also suggest that you find a counselor at an abused woman's organizaion. Yes you are being abused. Please get help for yourself. You might not want to tell him that you are going as it might see it as threatening.

If you want to know what your husband is up to you could put a keylogger on his computer and even his cell phone. 

You can also download texts, even deleted ones from many cell phones.

Another thing that helps to find out what's going on is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Hide it in a place like under the front seat... securred with strong adhesive backed velcro. Most people who cheat talk to their affair partners in the car to and from work.

Are you sure that he is working all those extra hours? Have you seen his pay stubs to verity it?


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

One is a year older, the other a year younger, and yes, they both come from abusive homes.

I've been looking for work around a month now, but have been setting money aside for emergencies. 

I... am unsure as to how to do either of those things (keylogs?), but am currently speaking with a friend that knows more of these things than I do, so I'm looking into it at the moment.

We share a car and I take him to and from work. As he is in the military, I am able to monitor what he does here on base fairly easily.. At the very least, I know he is not having any sort of affair here in town.. I am more worried about the deeper relationship he had with a woman that was his best friend (yet somehow I had not even met her) and how it affected our intimate relationship in our own home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It makes sense that your friends are from abusive homes... they do not seem to recognize that you are being abused.

Have you tried applying for financial aid to got to school? I don't know your husband's rank.. his pay might be low enough that you can get financial aid. and with that you might be able to get a work study job. You may also beable to get some education funding as a military spouse.

Have you been putting the money into an account in your name only? You need to.

A keylogger is a program that is installed on a computer. It will capture verything that is typed in. In the good ones also capture screen shots. Get one that sends the files to an email account or to a website where you can get the logs. Also setup a seperate, secret gmail account to use when you get it. That way he will not see any emails it sends.

Do you ahve your own computer? Or do you have to use his?

He was probably in a relationsihp wiht her all along. You invited her to your wedding. Did she come? Might she be married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please do create a new thread in coping with infidelity so that you get more help. there are a lot of people there who can help you as well.

Just copy your first post into the new thread


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

Well, as they know about the abuse that I received growing up, they see it more as trading one evil for a lesser evil.. So I understand their view of the situation. 

My husband has money for both of us to go to school, but as we planned to go to school at the same time, when he gets out of the services, going to school without him would be.. problematic. 

I don't have an account for my name only at the present, and I have been keeping what I do have in a hidden safe in my home. Sadly, it's not enough to do much of anything with; we live penny by penny..

Do these keylogs cost much? I don't have very much money at my disposal..

I have my own computer, thankfully. 

I... figured that he was.. but as stated, I could not bring myself to delve much deeper. It hurts knowing that he doesn't love me as much as our vows might have entailed us to love each other, but it hurts me more to go behind his back to try and out him. And, no.. she did not come to our wedding. No, she isn't married.. She lives with her parents in my husband and my home town..

Edit: I was unsure about double posting; is there a specific admin that I may contact about moving the thread?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I set a PM to both you and a moderator to have it moved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long before your husband gets out of the military?

One thing you could bring up to him is that if you went to school right now it will help financially. You can take a few classes as possible to go slow so that you will still be in school when he gets out.

Plus, if you are togther.. with you being further along you will be able to bring in more $$ to support yourself. I know a lot of ex-military who are not taking advantage of their GI Bill benefits now that they are out of the military because they cannot afford to go to school and not work full time.. even with the benefits.

I might be wrong, but I think that there are military benefits available to you now that he is in the military that will not be available to you once he is out. So the two of you could lose $1000's of dollars of ed benefits if you don't use them now.

Why not check just check into what is available to you now? There must be an office on base that helps depent wives with this stuff. Find out and then make up your minds. If he finds out that you can bring in a some extra $$ every month by going to school he might just go along with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DNAlchemist said:


> Well, as they know about the abuse that I received growing up, they see it more as trading one evil for a lesser evil.. So I understand their view of the situation.


That's a pretty low standard to set for one's life.

withold sex and affection in marriage is emotional abuse. Do you want your future children to grow up in a home where there is no love and affection?

If you do not want to leave him then you need to find a way to get him to end his affair and turn this around. For your sake, for his and for your future children.


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

My husband has just less than four years left in service, and as I understand it, the GI Bill pays for standard housing once out of service and going to school, and pays up to 400,000 worth of schooling. I will talk with him about me going to school now, though. It will be a good two to three weeks before I will be able to post with any updates on how our relationship is boding, as it will be then that he will be home. I have been informed that, as a dependent, I may not speak to finance about most issues other than upcoming pay (the last time that I tried, I was turned down). Also, thank you so much for your advice. It is much appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you can keep posting here even if he's not around.

I'm going to look some things up for you on education.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The GI does not pay over $400,000.

Post-9/11 GI Bill Overview | Military.com

If you are eligible, VA will pay your tuition & fees payment directly to the school. The tuition & fees rates at a state operated college or university (Institution of Higher Learning) will cover up to the full amount depending on your number of months of active service since Sept. 11, 2001.
Up to $1000 a year for books, fees, supplies
$1,368 monthly living stipend. $1,368 is average.. can be as high as $2,700 depending on where you go to school

$500 one time relocation allowance

If he's been in for over 10 years he can use the benefits or he can transfer them to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Career Advancement Account 
•	Spouses of active duty military members are eligible to take advantage of a $3,000 benefit to pursue higher education per year. The benefit can be renewed once for a total of $6,000 in educational benefits.

You might be able to get federal financial aid as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

More info

The Active Duty Montgomery G.I. Bill (ADMGIB)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do not go to finance to find out about education benefits... here's the phone number to call 

Spouses can contact MilitaryOneSource for education counseling and help finding alternative funding sources. Call toll free at: 1.800.342.9647.

Military Spouse and Family Educational Assistance Programs | Military.com


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When my wife and I first got married, early 20's, right away the sex wasn't there on her part. She is a larger woman and insecure about her size, thus a low sex drive and always covered up. I have a high sex drive and want to be with her constantly, we just got married, right?

We'll, no sex or initiating either for 2+ weeks at a time and we've only been married for 1 year!!!

So I started chatting with women, porn and getting the attention my wife wasn't giving me, even after our chats about it.

It become very addicting fast, a daily thing, even at work, chatting with women, etc. cybering, etc. porn after work for daily relief of stress from life and work.

My wife didn't like that at all and we had talks about it. I told her, you aren't meeting my needs and if you did, I would give this all up!!!

I did give this all up, no cybering, no chatting, no emails, no daily porn, no bars, pubs, strip clubs, no getting my haircut (wife does it) and no beach. Basically, I only on rare occasion view porn now and only when I can't deal with no sex any longer, so I get it out of my system. I gave all this up and it's been many many many years now and what has my wife done in return? Has she initiated sex a lot more? NO. Has she got a normal sex drive now? NO. Has she made the effort to lose weight, get in shape and wear intimate clothing to entice me? NO.

Basically, I am the good husband, don't do anything, but I still don't get what I need either.........


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> When my wife and I first got married, early 20's, right away the sex wasn't there on her part. She is a larger woman and insecure about her size, thus a low sex drive and always covered up. I have a high sex drive and want to be with her constantly, we just got married, right?
> 
> We'll, no sex or initiating either for 2+ weeks at a time and we've only been married for 1 year!!!
> 
> ...


Note that DNAlchemist's situation is different than yours. She want sex. He's not interested and sees to prefer porn, online stuff and his affair partner.

Well.. your wife is wrong. She is asa wrong as DNAlchemist's husband is.

What emotional abuse. 

So why are you staying and letting yourself be abused?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Because I am a faithful husband, for better or for worse and God fearing. Does that make me a nice guy and an idiot?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Because I am a faithful husband, for better or for worse and God fearing. Does that make me a nice guy and an idiot?


Not sure.. nice guy or idiot... what ever you are I am because I put up with my hsuband w/holding sex for years. So whatever you are I am as well. 

I did it to get my children through high school before divorcing him.

Did you know that a spouse withholding sex as a matter of rule is ground for divorce under Christian law? Sex in marriage is recognized as part of the covenant of marriage


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You and I are similar, cool.

I didn't realize that with holding sex for whatever reason is grounds for divorce.......interesting.

This Thursday is my wife's birthday. My work is job sharing for the time being, so I get Thursday off work.

I will have a romantic birthday card for her, flowers and chocolates before she comes downstairs first thing in the morning, before she goes to work. When she gets home, I will have her fav food ordered in and waiting with a birthday cake and candles.

She will never expect this in a million years.........total surprise.

Will this mean I get "us time" like crazy that night? More than likely, 99% no.......oh well, right?


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

That is a very difficult situation that you're going through, CuddleBug. My husband and I don't have sex much anymore either, and it is horribly stressful.. I hope that you do get some sort of fun for her birthday, though, especially with what kindness you have planned!

Apologies for any slow replies, I'm hosting for a few of my friends for a movie night tonight.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Too bad people with high sex drives couldn't meet other people with high sex drives, right? Or low drives with low drives......no marriage issues then. Maybe we should of all come here when we were single...........


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Too bad people with high sex drives couldn't meet other people with high sex drives, right? Or low drives with low drives......no marriage issues then.


You're funny!

Please don't say that if you got more sex there wouldn't be any issues in the marriage. There will always be some sort of difficulties in both marriage and sex.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I have just "liked" nearly every one of Elegirl's posts in this thread. Because they're all true and she is very wise. DNAlchemist, listen and and take to heart everything she has said.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

DNAlchemist,

You're young, so you're naive. But I can tell you that there is one, and exactly one, reason that a man would spend the night at a woman's house who he has spent many months texting and messaging about how beautiful she is and how much they care about each other. Sex. That's it. He had sex with her.

Your husband has been unfaithful. He spent many months having an emotional affair (EA) before he had the opportunity to travel to her city and turn it into a physical affair (PA). If you investigate his communications with her, you will probably find messages or overhear phone conversations where they talk about how great the sex was.

If I were you, I would pursue divorce. Your husband is unfaithful. You have no children. An unfaithful husband is a painful thing to try to work past. With no children and little financial entanglements, it's probably best to divorce and move on.

Good luck.


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## DNAlchemist (Dec 11, 2012)

I posted this a few days ago and just recently spoke, out-right, to my husband about how all of this makes me feel. I don't think I have it in me to talk out all the gritty details... but to put it short,

I asked him if he was still in contact with the woman in question, he said that he was. I told him that he was making me feel like I was the only one that cared, that I didn't want him to talk to her anymore, and that he had cornered me to a point that I have nothing in life other than him.. And that was making me miserable. He told me that life was hard and I needed to toughen up.. I'm going to separate once I have the funds to afford my own place. 

Thank you all for your help and concern.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

DNAlchemist said:


> I told him that he was making me feel like I was the only one that cared, that I didn't want him to talk to her anymore, and that he had cornered me to a point that I have nothing in life other than him.. And that was making me miserable. He told me that life was hard and I needed to toughen up.


Sorry to hear that. But I think it's for the best. The brutally honest truth is that your husband doesn't love you. When a man loves a woman, and the woman tells him that his actions are causing her great heartache and pain, the absolute minimum that the man does is show concern. Husbands who love their wives want their wives to be happy. And they never want to be the cause of their wives' unhappiness.

You're better off without him. See a lawyer ASAP. There are probably lawyers on base that won't charge anything to advise you. You may be able to have a portion of your husband's pay diverted to you.

Good luck.


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