# Sexual repression/lack of fantasy



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

This may have been discussed, my spouse has demonstrated repression and no fantasy at all


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deguello said:


> This may have been discussed, my spouse has demonstrated repression and no fantasy at all


Did a psychologist diagnose your wife with sexual repression ?

Why do you think she has no sexual fantasies?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

I asked her if she had ANY fantasies,negative response. She got No info about sex or anything related to sex as a young woman,maybe repression is the wrong term she got NO info from her parents whatsoever,I on the other hand got more than I needed


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

No she was not diagnosed by a DR.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deguello said:


> I asked her if she had ANY fantasies,negative response. She got No info about sex or anything related to sex as a young woman,maybe repression is the wrong term she got NO info from her parents whatsoever,I on the other hand got more than I needed


Does her lack of fantasies bother you? Just trying to get clarification on your OP?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

_see_


Lila said:


> Does her lack of fantasies bother you? Just trying to get clarification on your OP?


I was trying to find some way to "heat up" the bedroom, she did come up with a fantasy on our 35th Anniversary I planned a Beach Weekend,it went to hell in a hand basket from the get go.she would not speak to me all the way home, all I wanted was a complete BJ, I have never got that,and I probably won't.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So your plan for your 35th anniversary, was for you to plan a self centered sexual experience?
Did she ask you to think up what you wanted?
Do you not see how she might expect a 35th anniversary to be more centered on mutual loving?
You are from an age where some women were told BJ's were for hookers and loose women. Do you now what your wife's feeling are on this? 
When you say it didn't go well? What do you mean. Try to be more specific.

What was her fanatsy?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Deguello 

It would help to have some history. I read back through your post history and found this post



Deguello said:


> I really understand. To be honest I had a p0rn issue,she saw it as cheating.
> She all but cut me off for a while. I'm recovering. However,in 2009-2010 our sex life went south ,we dropped from 42- 55 times a year to last year less than 12,this year 3 times maybe.the reason was "I have cold sores" sex hurts yadda yadda yada.She has no fantasies. It is last on the "to do list"
> 
> Only because it is her obligation as my wife.we have been married 46+years for a while I gave up.and she said "What's wrong" I may have unloaded on her,Our sex life is just this side of non existent.this has got to change,either you don't care about us any more or,the other choice I think you know what that is. At one point I thought she was steppin' out. all of the red flags were there. she was not. I'm sure.



You've been married 46 years so I'm guessing you and your wife are in your mid 60s. 

What do you want from your wife?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And cold sores don't hurt for PIV so is this more oral we are talking about here or not cold sores but vaginal sores?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> _see_
> 
> I was trying to find some way to "heat up" the bedroom, she did come up with a fantasy on our 35th Anniversary I planned a Beach Weekend,it went to hell in a hand basket from the get go.she would not speak to me all the way home, all I wanted was a complete BJ, I have never got that,and I probably won't.


It just seems like. "its all about her" and has been for a long time.


Anastasia6 said:


> So your plan for your 35th anniversary, was for you to plan a self centered sexual experience?
> Did she ask you to think up what you wanted?
> Do you not see how she might expect a 35th anniversary to be more centered on mutual loving?
> You are from an age where some women were told BJ's were for hookers and loose women. Do you now what your wife's feeling are on this?
> ...





Anastasia6 said:


> So your plan for your 35th anniversary, was for you to plan a self centered sexual experience?
> Did she ask you to think up what you wanted?
> Do you not see how she might expect a 35th anniversary to be more centered on mutual loving?
> You are from an age where some women were told BJ's were for hookers and loose women. Do you now what your wife's feeling are on this?
> ...


This was centered her, the restaurant was closed the Rose's didn't show up what could go wrong did, she was si angry we packed up and left early at her reguest.,the bj was my fantasy,not for this w/e ,and ww talked about OS be for we were married she liked me going down on her.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> It just seems like. "its all about her" and has been for a long time.
> 
> 
> This was centered her, the restaurant was closed the Rose's didn't show up what could go wrong did, she was si angry we packed up and left early at her reguest.,the bj was my fantasy,not for this w/e ,and ww talked about OS be for we were married she liked me going down on her.


It was memorable w/e forsure


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> And cold sores don't hurt for PIV so is this more oral we are talking about here or not cold sores but vaginal sores?


There we no sores, Vaginal or oral
if I didn't like/want sex it would not bother me as much.celibacy does not interest me,I have suggested Tantra,slow sex,I have done some reading, at our last civil discussion,"we have sex because it an obligation for her. Obligation is right behind pity sex on the grand scale.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deguello said:


> I asked her if she had ANY fantasies, negative response. She got No info about sex or anything related to sex as a young woman, maybe repression is the wrong term she got NO info from her parents whatsoever, I on the other hand got more than I needed


I got no info about sex from my parents. I did not even know what sex was until I was about 15. 

I don't have sexual fantasies. I never have. However, I have a high sex drive.. .like daily.

People have different ways to being sexual. Instead of shaming her and trying to make her feel bad about the way she is, how about accept that we all have different ways of being sexual.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> There we no sores, Vaginal or oral
> if I didn't like/want sex it would not bother me as much.celibacy does not interest me,I have suggested Tantra,slow sex,I have done some reading, at our last civil discussion,"we have sex because it an obligation for her. Obligation is right behind pity sex on the grand scale.





Lila said:


> @Deguello
> 
> It would help to have some history. I read back through your post history and found this post
> 
> ...


I'm not dead, I try to meet her needs
I'm 68, not dead.if there is something wrong see a Dr . Or a counselor.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I got no info about sex from my parents. I did not even know what sex was until I was about 15.
> 
> I don't have sexual fantasies. I never have. However, I have a high sex drive.. .like daily.
> 
> ...


I tell her repeatedly she is still after. 46+years she as cute now as she was in 1969.and I mean that,I know we get older, but she is still my wife.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

First,I don't:"Shame her" I love how she tastes, smells ,feels between her legs,I am in heaven when I make love to her,and I have told her ,that being said,she has control issues and Perfectionism


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I think it's pretty common for highly planned outings with very high expectations for "romance", "rekindling" etc often are set up for failure because of those high expectations. Often too the expectations are not just that it will be great but that it will help solve the problems of the relationships or that somehow you'll rediscover each other. One or both may have high expectations on how the other will behave and react and when they don't, tension can build. Often the one organizing it and making all the effort will expect that it's making him or her happy and they are constantly trying to "read" her or his feelings and sometimes look into little things too much and are too sensitive to anything perceived as less than bliss with everything.

I'm not saying that all of this is how it went for you but just trying to paint a general picture.

When you met in 1969, roses not arriving or restaurants being closed probably led to more laughter than anger, frustration and giving up. No problem...it's funny....we'll get a bottle of cheap wine and order a pizza.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

JustTheWife said:


> I think it's pretty common for highly planned outings with very high expectations for "romance", "rekindling" etc often are set up for failure because of those high expectations. Often too the expectations are not just that it will be great but that it will help solve the problems of the relationships or that somehow you'll rediscover each other. One or both may have high expectations on how the other will behave and react and when they don't, tension can build. Often the one organizing it and making all the effort will expect that it's making him or her happy and they are constantly trying to "read" her or his feelings and sometimes look into little things too much and are too sensitive to anything perceived as less than bliss with everything.
> 
> I'm not saying that all of this is how it went for you but just trying to paint a general picture.
> 
> When you met in 1969, roses not arriving or restaurants being closed probably led to more laughter than anger, frustration and giving up. No problem...it's funny....we'll get a bottle of cheap wine and order a pizza.


Now, laughter would be the result,but then there was not much to giggle about,I was trying to give her the fantasy she wanted, all that happened was a dissatisfied, disappointed wife.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Deguello said:


> Now, laughter would be the result,but then there was not much to giggle about,I was trying to give her the fantasy she wanted, all that happened was a dissatisfied, disappointed wife.


I know. And that's the point. It's not the roses or the restaurant that makes a couple truly "giggle", it's the two of you. It wasn't your fault it didn't work out and perhaps you were also frustrated because you wanted everything "perfect". I think that's a recipe for disaster. When you've got a lot of problems these kind of "do or die" weekends sometimes have much more chance of creating more problems then solving them. If you can't "giggle" when you're together at the supermarket or when the dinner burns, you're not going to be giggling on a "perfect" weekend away.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> Now, laughter would be the result,but then there was not much to giggle about,I was trying to give her the fantasy she wanted, all that happened was a dissatisfied, disappointed wife.


I think at this point in our lives I will just realize that it is what it is. I am NOT going to change anything about her her sexuality or our sex life,it ain't gonna change.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Deguello said:


> I think at this point in our lives I will just realize that it is what it is. I am NOT going to change anything about her her sexuality or our sex life,it ain't gonna change.


Have you seen the Ted Talk "The sex-starved marriage"? Look it up. She might find it interesting; she likely has no idea what rejection feels like to you.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Deguello said:


> _see_
> 
> I was trying to find some way to "heat up" the bedroom, she did come up with a fantasy on our 35th Anniversary I planned a Beach Weekend,it went to hell in a hand basket from the get go.she would not speak to me all the way home, all I wanted was a complete BJ, I have never got that,and I probably won't.


So basically this was about YOUR desire, not her fantasy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you would save yourself a lot of (fill in the blank here) by accepting her for who she is at this point.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Deguello said:


> I was trying to find some way to "heat up" the bedroom, she did come up with a fantasy on our 35th Anniversary I planned a Beach Weekend,it went to hell in a hand basket from the get go.she would not speak to me all the way home, *all I wanted was a complete BJ*, I have never got that,and I probably won't.


I have never understood how some men are so enthralled by this. What is the fascination? Do you not enjoy sex? Do you not want her to enjoy it as well? I have done a complete BJ but I much prefer to stoke the fire and move to PIV so that I can have the filling sensation of PIV. Is it about control? subservience? 

I don't usually go all the way because well hubby can take 20 minutes to an hour and it just becomes painful. Do you last a long time?
I mentioned cold sores before and in context of the 35th anniversary you said there were non but I pulled from another thread where you said this year is low because of cold sores. I was wondering why cold sores would effect sex. I mean I can have all kinds of sex except oral with cold sores. Is she using that as an excuse or do you expect oral every time?

BTW I'm not trying to be mean or snarky (writing is hard to convey) but I am willing to try to figure out what hurdles maybe preventing you wife from sex. Though at this age she is probably not going to change or is winding down.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> I think at this point in our lives I will just realize that it is what it is. I am NOT going to change anything about her her sexuality or our sex life,it ain't gonna change.


Some would think that"I was giving up, or quitting " maybe my Dad would say"Do you want to be Happy or right"?


Anastasia6 said:


> I have never understood how some men are so enthralled by this. What is the fascination? Do you not enjoy sex? Do you not want her to enjoy it as well? I have done a complete BJ but I much prefer to stoke the fire and move to PIV so that I can have the filling sensation of PIV. Is it about control? subservience?
> 
> I don't usually go all the way because well hubby can take 20 minutes to an hour and it just becomes painful. Do you last a long time?
> I mentioned cold sores before and in context of the 35th anniversary you said there were non but I pulled from another thread where you said this year is low because of cold sores. I was wondering why cold sores would effect sex. I mean I can have all kinds of sex except oral with cold sores. Is she using that as an excuse or do you expect oral every time?
> ...


For her to enjoy sex,there should be kissing,cold stores are painful =very little kissing and no oral on her end because that would possibly give me the herpes virus,I understand that, at least that is a reason, but if it's really bad see a Dr.I go down every opportunity I get because I like to.I also explained,if she doesn't want to swallow,kiss me and give it back,it was mine to begin with.she won't let me buy her nighties,she will take them back.I don't care for panty hose,she won't wear nylons because you gotta wear suspenders because she had to wear them in high school,the list goes on and on.



I don't expect o/s because it has almost happened 3 times in 46+years, I give her massage, or foot rub and. All I'm looking for sex,that's what she thinks( not true)


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

See


Anastasia6 said:


> I have never understood how some men are so enthralled by this. What is the fascination? Do you not enjoy sex? Do you not want her to enjoy it as well? I have done a complete BJ but I much prefer to stoke the fire and move to PIV so that I can have the filling sensation of PIV. Is it about control? subservience?
> 
> I don't usually go all the way because well hubby can take 20 minutes to an hour and it just becomes painful. Do you last a long time?
> I mentioned cold sores before and in context of the 35th anniversary you said there were non but I pulled from another thread where you said this year is low because of cold sores. I was wondering why cold sores would effect sex. I mean I can have all kinds of sex except oral with cold sores. Is she using that as an excuse or do you expect oral every time?
> ...


I don't know if I can explain a bj to a female


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deguello said:


> I really understand. To be honest I had a p0rn issue,she saw it as cheating.
> She all but cut me off for a while. I'm recovering. However,in 2009-2010 our sex life went south ,we dropped from 42- 55 times a year to last year less than 12,this year 3 times maybe.the reason was "I have cold sores" sex hurts yadda yadda yada.She has no fantasies. It is last on the "to do list"


Given that your wife seems loathe to have sex with you, I don't see why you don't just seek sex elsewhere?

Seriously if she isn't interested and can't be bothered, I don't think you should feel any moral obligation to afford her sexual fidelity at all.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Personal said:


> Given that your wife seems loathe to have sex with you, I don't see why you don't just seek sex elsewhere?
> 
> Seriously if she isn't interested and can't be bothered, I don't think you should feel any moral obligation to afford her sexual fidelity at all.





Personal said:


> Given that your wife seems loathe to have sex with you, I don't see why you don't just seek sex elsewhere?
> 
> Seriously if she isn't interested and can't be bothered, I don't think you should feel any moral obligation to afford her sexual fidelity at all.


First,it's part of our wedding vows,better or worse,sickness and health,we took our vows seriously. Second the words "Semper Fidelis "
Third, It is part of my ethics and values. I cannot morally cheat on my wife.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deguello said:


> First,it's part of our wedding vows,better or worse,sickness and health,we took our vows seriously. Second the words "Semper Fidelis "
> Third, It is part of my ethics and values. I cannot morally cheat on my wife.


Cool.

Then instead of whingeing about it to no end (since you won't end your marriage or step out), why don't you suck it up with dignity and embrace the mostly celibate life you are choosing. Since by staying true to her despite her unilateral withdrawal of sex, you are responsible for that choice going forward.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Deguello said:


> First,it's part of our wedding vows,better or worse,sickness and health,we took our vows seriously. Second the words "Semper Fidelis "
> Third, It is part of my ethics and values. I cannot morally cheat on my wife.


Awesome. I wish I could offer something of value here. You say she'll have sex out of obligation and it just above duty sex. How is it above duty sex? Does she participate? What does she like? 

Are you sure she likes oral on her (frequently). I know I enjoy it occasionally but I can't have it done on me every time. Do you use toys at all? What things have you tried? What things does she say she doesn't like or won't try?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> Awesome. I wish I could offer something of value here. You say she'll have sex out of obligation and it just above duty sex. How is it above duty sex? Does she participate? What does she like?
> 
> Are you sure she likes oral on her (frequently). I know I enjoy it occasionally but I can't have it done on me every time. Do you use toys at all? What things have you tried? What things does she say she doesn't like or won't try?





Anastasia6 said:


> Awesome. I wish I could offer something of value here. You say she'll have sex out of obligation and it just above duty sex. How is it above duty sex? Does she participate? What does she like?
> 
> Are you sure she likes oral on her (frequently). I know I enjoy it occasionally but I can't have it done on me every time. Do you use toys at all? What things have you tried? What things does she say she doesn't like or won't try?


Obligation is just above pity sex is what I meant, I'm rethinking going down on her so frequently, she acts like it. Minimal participation,we have many toys,I told her she can ose then when I no available ,I may do the 180 on her




Anastasia6 said:


> Awesome. I wish I could offer something of value here. You say she'll have sex out of obligation and it just above duty sex. How is it above duty sex? Does she participate? What does she like?
> 
> Are you sure she likes oral on her (frequently). I know I enjoy it occasionally but I can't have it done on me every time. Do you use toys at all? What things have you tried? What things does she say she doesn't like or won't try?


Anal,but we were never going there, oral sex ( BJ),likes to be on top,no doggy style ,I tried to get her into tantra Not No but. Hell no. She almost went down on me. THree times. I try to give her 10 to 30 minutes of foreplay, I let her let me know when we can proceed.the big problem is that are some times 30 to 90 days between sexual events I think ot would be rude to bring a note pad to bed


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Deguello said:


> Obligation is just above pity sex is what I meant, I'm rethinking going down on her so frequently, she acts like it. Minimal participation,we have many toys,I told her she can ose then when I no available ,I may do the 180 on her


Ok so she can use the toys when you aren't available. Do you use them during sex? foreplay?


And when I was asking about oral on her, yes I like it but it can be hard to explain. Sometimes it is just too sensitive. So while I like it sometimes I don't. I'm sure it is hormonal and also relative to recent interactions. 

Recent interactions don't seem like they would be a problem in your case as the timing is spaced out.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so she can use the toys when you aren't available. Do you use them during sex? foreplay?
> 
> 
> And when I was asking about oral on her, yes I like it but it can be hard to explain. Sometimes it is just too sensitive. So while I like it sometimes I don't. I'm sure it is hormonal and also relative to recent interactions.
> ...


Spaced is and understatement, the current record is 4 months,and we have had more than one conversation about this, the phrase she used was" I'll have sex with you when you need it" she determines the need, not me,
so it happens when she wants it to,the need is hers not mine


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello said:


> Spaced is and understatement, the current record is 4 months,and we have had more than one conversation about this, the phrase she used was" I'll have sex with you when you need it" she determines the need, not me,
> so it happens when she wants it to,the need is hers not mine


We use them for foreplay,we are going to use it to get her off,then it's my turn


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I assume you've had a conversation where you let her know that 4 months is not an acceptable frequency for you?


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Re 4l dr


Anastasia6 said:


> I assume you've had a conversation where you let her know that 4 months is not an acceptable frequency for you?


I did and it got better, and went downhill . this year we have had sex 4 times,I have suggested she see a Dr. or seek counseling. I am not interested in throwing away 46+ years of marriage. Then she threw the obligatory sex comment. I just want her to show some desire to,I don't think she understands rejection and the effect it has on me.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Seems like when you were asked what your wife likes you went right back to the laundry list of techniques you like or want to try.

I think marital sex is more than various techniques to try. Respectfully, sounds a little like you just want to use her to recreate what you’ve seen in porn. Hope I’m wrong.

Maybe you should try to be a little more romantic and less pressuring.

Take her on a moonlit walk, have a little wine, hold her hand, listen to her.... get her out of the house and go somewhere pretty to just enjoy the scenery... you probably know all this. Getting her to relax is probably the best technique ever for kindling a fantastic love life... probably means you’re going to have to exercise some serious patience and spend some real time and money (lol)... however sounds like you wrecked the last trip so you’re going to have to start over and prove you’re a gentleman. Best wishes!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Said another way... I bet your wife also has some unmet needs for romance, affection, relaxation.... just a guess given my limited experience with women.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Deguello said:


> Spaced is and understatement, the current record is 4 months,and we have had more than one conversation about this, the phrase she used was" I'll have sex with you when you need it" she determines the need, not me,
> so it happens when she wants it to,the need is hers not mine


Generally speaking a spouse has to know how to create desire for intimacy and/or allow themselves to respond to a partner in the event things do not happen naturally and regularly. 

The notion that things should happen naturally and regularly when it does not is an excuse used by those to avoid confrontation and divert attention away from the real problems (such as low self esteem or suppression of self-sexual acceptance). It is not uncommon for women (and men) to have an uneasy psychological-physiological relationship with their own bodies which can make intimacy with a spouse downright impossible at times. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> Seems like when you were asked what your wife likes you went right back to the laundry list of techniques you like or want to try.
> 
> I think marital sex is more than various techniques to try. Respectfully, sounds a little like you just want to use her to recreate what you’ve seen in porn. Hope I’m wrong.
> 
> ...


On reality that trip had nothing to do with porn,it had more to do with giving her a relaxing,romantic weekend,I am having trouble with me wrecking the weekend itl is in the past,I will take full responsibility for what 
transpired,my fault or not . I am the leader.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

The whole “sit down with your wife to tell her how your needs aren’t being met” is just a recipe for disaster. Ditto with describing your latest “technique” that you want to try on her (lol). 

Rather, try a little romance and play it cool. Get her away and help her relax. Then when things start warming up... “bust a move“ as they say. I think a loving wife probably won’t refuse her hubby if properly warmed up.

I mean come on man, do you just walk up and deadlift a personal record... no! You gotta warm up! Well, she does too!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Deguello said:


> Re 4l dr
> 
> I did and it got better, and went downhill . this year we have had sex 4 times,I have suggested she see a Dr. or seek counseling. I am not interested in throwing away 46+ years of marriage. Then she threw the obligatory sex comment. I just want her to show some desire to,I don't think she understands rejection and the effect it has on me.


So not only do you want sex on a regular basis, but you ALSO want her to be genuinely enthusiastic about it?

Look, the woman was NEVER a sex kitten to begin with, so stop kidding yourself. Secondly, she's post-menopausal and you know what THAT means for a lot of women? The total death of their libidos. There are those women out there that turn into sex hounds after menopause and become very highly sexed, but I have no clue as to how that happens, but it does. Clearly, your wife is not a part of that small but very elite group of post-menopausal women. That's just a fact.

She is what she is, OP. You've known for *years* that she has a very low libido so why are you angry now about it just because she's not humping your leg dying to have sex with you? She's never been that way from the sounds of it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So not only do you want sex on a regular basis, but you ALSO want her to be genuinely enthusiastic about it?


This is one area where online porn and the commercialization of sexuality (as in using an enthusiastic sexy model to help sell everyday products) can make a man rather vulnerable, needy, and emotionally inept. If a man wants to enjoy a woman desiring him with unrealistic enthusiasm, that is just a click away. Walk into a department store or coffee shop and odds are an attractive woman will be enthusiastic about helping customers and getting them to smile. Get home for the day and the stereotypical spouse is depressed, has no idea what he/she wants with her life, and absolutely nothing seems to make him/her happy. Any enthusiasm and patience has already been used up for work to help make a living and get by in life. 




She'sStillGotIt said:


> ...Secondly, she's post-menopausal and you know what THAT means for a lot of women? The total death of their libidos. There are those women out there that turn into sex hounds after menopause and become very highly sexed, but I have no clue as to how that happens, but it does. Clearly, your wife is not a part of that small but very elite group of post-menopausal women. That's just a fact.


In my opinion post-menopausal women have a higher potential to enjoy intimacy because the stress of pregnancy is over and the effort needed to raise a family is likely subsiding. For the first time in her life, a woman can shift her energy to focus on herself and rediscover who she is as a person (as opposed to being called some kid's mom all the time). She can begin for the first time (in likely 20 years) to enjoy indulging in selfish pleasures like reading, developing a hobby, and working on her own self improvement. This can represent an exponential improvement to the quality of her life, which then lends itself to improved intimacy because a post-menopausal is now happy and has a lot of positive things to share with her spouse. 

So the OP should look at the big picture from this perspective and ask his wife, "hey what is something exciting that happened with your day and would you like to share that with me?" If she does not have anything to share, then it is up to the two of them to make the most of life and simply try to have fun together. The odds intimacy will improve will follow. 

But she will never desire him as he wants. At most she will rediscover what makes her happy and choose to share that with him (if he will listen). 

That is my 2¢,
Badsanta


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> Said another way... I bet your wife also has some unmet needs for romance, affection, relaxation.... just a guess given my limited experience with women.


I am sure she has some unmet needs, When she is sore,I offer a massage,no strings attached,I offer a foot massage,same deal, no sex,unless it is her idea. When she comes really beat,O insist that she sit down,I get her drink of choice,I get dinner, I do the dishes, 9 times out of 10,I didn't do something wrong or I didn't do it how she would. I wiil just about anything for this woman. I don't complain I still love this woman completely and she. Knows it. Ok I've vented, thanks for listening
.


Deguello said:


> On reality that trip had nothing to do with porn,it had more to do with giving her a relaxing,romantic weekend,I am having trouble with me wrecking the weekend itl is in the past,I will take full responsibility for what
> transpired,my fault or not . I am the leader.





CatholicDad said:


> The whole “sit down with your wife to tell her how your needs aren’t being met” is just a recipe for disaster. Ditto with describing your latest “technique” that you want to try on her (lol).
> 
> Rather, try a little romance and play it cool. Get her away and help her relax. Then when things start warming up... “bust a move“ as they say. I think a loving wife probably won’t refuse her hubby if properly warmed up.
> 
> I mean come on man, do you just walk up and deadlift a personal record... no! You gotta warm up! Well, she does too!


I am not going to ,"pressure her" we have already covered that.she ha ndeld that does that as well as I handle rejection I am not doing ANYTHING in the near future,there is NO POINT at this time and place, I'm going give her space. We are only two weeks into this it has been much longer recently, I have no rush. I'm going to do stuff on my own, D
.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

badsanta said:


> This is one area where online porn and the commercialization of sexuality (as in using an enthusiastic sexy model to help sell everyday products) can make a man rather vulnerable, needy, and emotionally inept. If a man wants to enjoy a woman desiring him with unrealistic enthusiasm, that is just a click away. Walk into a department store or coffee shop and odds are an attractive woman will be enthusiastic about helping customers and getting them to smile. Get home for the day and the stereotypical spouse is depressed, has no idea what he/she wants with her life, and absolutely nothing seems to make him/her happy. Any enthusiasm and patience has already been used up for work to help make a living and get by in life.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We have been playin this game for 10 years,nothing can I do will change that, appreciate the input.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you would save yourself a lot of (fill in the blank here) by accepting her for who she is at this point.


Am I hearing,"back off live like roomies,and wait for her to get better"?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Deguello said:


> Am I hearing,"back off live like roomies,and wait for her to get better"?


I was responding to what you said in post 20 (“*I think at this point in our lives I will just realize that it is what it is. I am NOT going to change anything about her her sexuality or our sex life,it ain't gonna change.”*). 

I agree with you. She’s not very likely to change at this point.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Yup, those vows you mentioned earlier, how about to “love and cherish”? Where’s the love from your spouse.

Stop doing the dishes and giving her massages. Hasn’t worked before. Get yourself in the best shape, Find hobbies, and focus on you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deguello said:


> Am I hearing,"*back off live like roomies*,and wait for her to get better"?


Given the following as quoted below unless you or your wife wife changes their mind, then living like roomies is all you can do.



Deguello said:


> First,it's part of our wedding vows,better or worse,sickness and health,we took our vows seriously. Second the words "Semper Fidelis "
> Third, It is part of my ethics and values. I cannot morally cheat on my wife.


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## rccman66 (Feb 18, 2019)

My ex claimed for over 20 years that she had no fantasies, she had low to no sex drive and it only got worse as we got older. At 20 years or so of marriage we seperated for about 6 months due to our differences in frequency of sex bring a large part of issues. During the separation, she finally admitted to the fact that she did really have them but was ashamed of what they were and was afraid I'd hate her for what they were.

Long story short, once she openly admitted what they were, the sex came back better than it had ever been between us for a while. In the end it didn't matter because other underlying issues had doomed our marriage from the start.

All just my two cents worth, and probably doesn't help you much anyway.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Take her on a moonlit walk, have a little wine, hold her hand, listen to her.... get her out of the house and go somewhere pretty to just enjoy the scenery... you probably know all this. Getting her to relax is probably the best technique ever for kindling a fantastic love life... probably means you’re going to have to exercise some serious patience and spend some real time and money (lol)... however sounds like you wrecked the last trip so you’re going to have to start over and prove you’re a gentleman. Best wishes!


Those things might work for people that have an intact libido and have some basic sexual attraction to their partner. 

She has neither of those things (at least not with him) so those things have no effect or even a detrimental effect such as the getaway where the flowers didn't show up and she got angry and wanted to leave. That was not a fluke, that's how people react when they are with someone that they have virtually no attraction or desire for. . 

when someone doesn't have a libido and no attraction to their partner, then a moonlight walk is just taking them away from watching their favorite TV shows, wine leaves them gassy and with heartburn, their spouse trying to hold their hand is slimy and awkward and listening doesn't mean anything because they don't have anything to say and whatever household chores they want done, they can txt or leave as a note pinned up on the refridgerator.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Deguello said:


> First,it's part of our wedding vows,better or worse,sickness and health,we took our vows seriously. Second the words "Semper Fidelis "
> Third, It is part of my ethics and values. I cannot morally cheat on my wife.


Sometimes our core beliefs, mores and values are our own worst enemy. 

And also keep in mind it ain't cheat'n if she consents to you outsourcing sexuality and it's not cheating if you divorce her find someone else. 

This particular ship sailed about 45 years ago.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

We are still together, it is not bed of Rose's but we have learned some things about ourselves,there was some abuse that I was not aware of in her family that got let out of the bag when every one assumed I was sound asleep,at a family get to gether.I asked about it when we got home.all she said was "who told you about that" you were all talking about it after dinner in the front room, All I said was some one.better clear things up for me,this is something I should have been told about. This is completely unacceptable, you and your parents have 24 hours to clear this up,I am angry that you withheld this from me for this long.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion post-menopausal women have a higher potential to enjoy intimacy because the stress of pregnancy is over and the effort needed to raise a family is likely subsiding. For the first time in her life, a woman can shift her energy to focus on herself and rediscover who she is as a person (as opposed to being called some kid's mom all the time). She can begin for the first time (in likely 20 years) to enjoy indulging in selfish pleasures like reading, developing a hobby, and working on her own self improvement. This can represent an exponential improvement to the quality of her life, which then lends itself to


Ummm.... your telling a woman what post menopause is supposed to look like... ????????????


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## ccba33 (Jul 21, 2020)

Deguello said:


> _see_
> 
> I was trying to find some way to "heat up" the bedroom, she did come up with a fantasy on our 35th Anniversary I planned a Beach Weekend,it went to hell in a hand basket from the get go.she would not speak to me all the way home, all I wanted was a complete BJ, I have never got that,and I probably won't.


You're not the only one bro, that never will get a BJ with a happy ending.


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