# Wants to fix marriage, will time apart help?



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

First thank you for taking the time to read this. Me and my husband have just reached the one year mark. For a while I have been feeling neglected in our marriage, my husband works long hours, after a long day at work he usually retreats to the study to talk to all the people who he has just spent 10 hours at work with on facebook. After a bad day at work, I raised it with hime, however not in the way I had planned. I got angry and unfortunately raised all past issues also. After two days of almost silence he finally said we needed to talk, which we have never done in the past. He then talked of all the past hurt we have caused eachother over the past 4 years. He talked of how i always involved my mother, how I hit him ( and sometimes badly ). I also fell pregnant earliar on in our relationship. Unfortunately i miscarried 4 months into the pregnancy, he talked of how I blamed him for the miscarriage because of the stress of fighting. He said hes always felt like hes ever met the standards of my family. I didnt know how he had been feeling like this as he had never opened up like this, and he said he doesnt know how to get past all of it.Throughout all of this he remained calm, and we talked through all of the things that have hurt us. After all was said, we expressed how much we love each other, however we both dont know how move forward, we both thought some time apart might be good, as we both may see what it is we appreciate about each other. We have also tried councelling in the past, it helped for awhile, but then things started to deteriorate again. I realise now how much hurt I have caused him, and maybe I need to seek councelling for myself perhaps. But have also realised how much his actions have affected me also

Has anyone else been in this situation. Any comments would be greatly appreciated


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Counseling does work for a while.. however, when you backslide it's because you forgot the fundamentals you learned in counseling..

Attempt counseling again to reinforce how to communicate and listen to your partner.

If you were both calm while talking and each of you truly can take ownership of how you have contributed to the slump in your marriage, then you can still recover this..

Seek counseling again.


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

Thank you Ostera. I want to try councelling again, but my husband wont as he feels he never has the time.

Although we can both take ownership of what we have done, and he says he wants us to be better again, he always makes the excuse of never having the time.

I try my best when hes at work to get evrything done, house cleaned, shopping done, meals cooked and his clothes washed and ironed for work, but it doesnt seem to make any difference to adding to his time.

I wish I knew if there was anything more i can do...


----------



## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

As I always told my husband, if it's really important to you, MAKE it a priority. "Not enough time" is a worn-out excuse.

Unfortunately, my husband does not want to get counseling, preferring to work out his problems "on his own." He's been saying that for over a year now, lol


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It sounds like he has the time. He is just escaping online at night and avoiding things. Sounds like you have a temper you need to control.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are his points valid? You physically abused him, if nothing else. Anger management would be a good starting point for you. 

Time away from each other will likely just cause more distance to grow if the underlying issues aren't being worked on. By both of you.

C


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

Things didnt turn bad until after I miscarried, we were close for awhile after the miscarriage, I guess that was the grief. He was the first to introduce violence, however after that he never been as bad, usually only if I start it.however since then he has had outbursts of verbal abuse towards me, calling me fat, that i dont do enough, work enough, earn enough, that I am a bad wife.. Sometimes his rants can continue for over an hour. I try my best to control th anger boiling in me, but I break eventually, which usually takes around an hour of him telling me how useless I am. When I do I usually lash out. It makes me fell embarresed and incredibly ashamed. His points are deinitely valid, what I have done was wrong, and I have just come to terms with how much damage this has done.I am seeking professional help to deal with my issues


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like you both need some serious help. And again, unless you're both ACTIVELY working on fixing yourselves, the relationship isn't going to improve with distance.

C


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

I do agree with you Maneo, and there are n excuses for physical abuse. I dont know how to fix the hurt is all. I would prefer to be honest about it.


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

I know, however we both feel we need distance that way we can see what we are missing, and maybe learn to appreciate one another, he sees where I am coming from, but he has told me time and time again that he works too much, and he doesnt have the time, it hurts me because he will always find the time to spend time to talk and hang out with his friends who he works with 10 hours almost every day


----------



## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Have you been married for 1 year or 4? i got confused on that part.

I really dont recommend taking time apart, that will cause both of you to grow farther apart. If there is tension in the home and you need time apart go out with friends, go for a walk, but dont move into separate homes, it just makes working out your issues that much more difficult.

You need to draw him out of that digital world, go out and do something he loves to do, its important to make it fun, and reward him after for doing that. Hes only going to drop his digital life if the real world life provides him more enjoyment. I hear many people complain about their spouse spending so much time on the internet and ignoring them. For example a wife wants her husband to go shopping with him but he says no and stays home to play video games. But lets think of it from his point of view,I can play video games which are fun, or i can follow my wife around the mall while she picks out shoes which i hate....duh he picks video games. But if she would have said, hey come shopping with me and after we can go see that action move you want to see, or i think there is a Victoria's secret in that mall *wink* Dont EXPECT him to do something he hates just because youre married, instead entice him with a reward. Think of it like training a puppy, you need to give treats to teach them tricks.

I can speak from experience than in-laws can drive a wedge between a marriage. I see my in-laws almost daily, my wife doesnt think anything off it but its very frustrating, i cant relax at night i feel like im constantly entertaining quests and have to be be on proper behavior. After a 10 hour work day the last thing i want to do is deal with my mother-in-law telling me how to cook, how to care for my dog, etc...despite that you love your family part of getting married is starting a NEW family, and your spouse should be your #1 priority, above family, friends, work, etc...

Remind him that counseling is not about some random person solving your problems, dictating who is right or wrong, its to teach your the communications skills so you can solve your problems on your own. Ive been through it and it reminded me alot of my interpersonal communication class from college.

You certainly need to stop the physical violence, it doesnt solve a thing and only drives you farther apart. if it gets to the point where you feel the need to hit him it is time to leave the area, go do something else for awhile and restart the conversation later, otherwise you will both end up in the back of a squad car arguing over who hit who first.

As far as moving forward i recommend keeping communication open, maybe even set aside a certain time every few days to discuss feelings and where you both stand. Also, if there has been alot of tension and lack of intimacy you need to almost start over dating, go out to the movies, spend time together, you need to reconnect physically and emotionally again, rekindle those feelings that brought you two together in the first place.

If you noticed just about everything i said are things YOU should do. You cant change your partner (not without resentment) but you can change your actions. Most people are quick to blame their partner but in doing so they overlook how their actions and flaws are affecting the relationship. Focus on what you have control of.

I wish you the best of luck and be sure to keep us all posted, also feel to message me, i too am in the early years of my marriage in a similar situation and might be of assistance.

~T


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

Hi Toshiba2020,

Thank you for you mesage, all your information will be very helpful, I agree that what I want to do may not interest him, however his perfect day off is sitting at home on the computer playing his computer game and talking on facebook, infact thats what he asked for for his birthday lol. However I am more than happy o do things he enjoys, one of the first dates we had we went to a golf course, not something I really enjoy, but enjoy it because the the time we spent together. He seems to have lost all enthusiasm for life though, its like work sucked him dry.

As far as the inlaws are concerned I dont get my mum involved anymore, it happened once two years ago, and my mum got involved cause our fighting was in the dangerous stages.

Oh to and to answer your question about how long we have been together, we have been together for just over 4 years, but married for one.

I like how you said that we should try and start over with dating again, we dont really have a friendship anymore, which can be very lonely at times, but the first thing I want to do is fix myself. 

Like you said I cant change my husband it will only cause resentment. But hopefully with my changes he will see that I am committed to our marriage.

I appreciate you taking the time to message me, and will definitely keep you updated, and if you dont mind it would be nice to message you as it would be nice to have someone to talk to other than my mum, as we all know that doesnt work haha.

Just to update you though, lastnight I went back to mums, not permanantly, but hopefully long enough to work things through in our minds. But we have decided to keep in contact, and talk through everything as we go.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You might also want to go to individual counseling with a different counseling from your MC. It is incredibly helpful to learn about yourself. Your husband would definitely benefit from going to see somebody on his own as well. I resisted going till my wife walked out on me. Now I see how helpful therapy is and wish I'd worked on my issues a long, long time ago.


----------



## c-routledge (Mar 26, 2013)

Hi Arendt, I took the first step and have contacted a councellor who deals with people with anger issues. I was apprehensive at first but am now looking forward to beginning. We are now into day three of living apart, however we are still in contact, and he made the time for us to see one another tonight, he has made it very clear to me that he wants to work t fix our marriage, and has stressed the point that he loves me which is a great relief. We have chosen to continue as we are, and keep living apart for a wee while as we sort through what we want out of our marriage. After our time apart he is also open to the idea of marriage councelling and/or seperate councelling as he like me agree we both have issues in ourselves that we need to fix. Fingers crossed everything continues as positively as they have been.


----------



## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

c-routledge said:


> I know, however we both feel we need distance that way we can see what we are missing, and maybe learn to appreciate one another, he sees where I am coming from, but he has told me time and time again that he works too much, and he doesnt have the time, it hurts me because he will always find the time to spend time to talk and hang out with his friends who he works with 10 hours almost every day


I don't know what everyone else has to say about this, but in my opinion separation never works and it brings with it a set of issues all it's own. You get used to life without that person, and when and if you get back together, there is resentment that they could not stick around and work it out. I am glad to hear that you are getting help with your anger issues, because if all of this does not work out, you will be healthy for someone later down the road. Sorry to hear you are going through this and the decision to separate is never an easy one to make, but can I ask you this.. if he does not have time for you now while you are living together, what makes you think he will make time for you if you are separated?:scratchhead:


----------

