# Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...



## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

I'm not sure this is the correct forum, I'm new so if it needs to move I'll move it. Also, this is going to be a WALL of text, so thanks for slugging through it.

To give you a little background on me (and because I think it has something to do with all of this), I am wildly ADD. I do have trouble with keeping things organized unless I can keep them EXTREMELY organized. I know that sounds like an odd duality, but if you've ever known an ADD person you'll understand. 

Anyway...

This past week I was gone at my grandfather's funeral. Fiancé and a friend were home, they went out together bar hopping. No problem. We have a security system at home that alerts when he or I come and go, it sends a message to the other's phone. I get a message he's home around 1:30. Cool, I was half asleep, I doze off again and then my phone beeps he's leaving. He goes at 2:30 in the morning to his ex girlfriend's place and spends the night. The next day he tells me he went over there because her teenage son had threatened her and she didn't feel safe.

I tell him how wildly NOT OKAY I am with that, although truth be told I would have been had he let me know where he was going before he went. I was extremely hurt he didn't call or text, and didn't return my calls or texts until nearly ten the following morning. He brings up the time I didn't come home from a party until 5. 

I feel like that's a little different because I let him know I was going, and I was with a group. I didn't feel okay to drive so I crashed until I did. He states he doesn't believe that's what actually happened. He sites other lies I've told as his reason for his mistrust, and although I don't understand some of the things he's chosen to focus on (example, I told him once I was coming home to let the dog out and changed plans and went to dinner instead), I acknowledge he feels a certain way about it and shoulder that. I think as a result I'm much better about saying when and where I'm going someplace. 

Okay, back on topic - he says we need to communicate and lay out what's appropriate in our relationship before I get "pouty" with him about going to the ex's house. I tell him I thought things like sleepovers went without saying, but okay. I don't want to get bogged down in semantics, so I suggest we get a counselor again - I feel like our arguments go in circles. 

It's then brought up that I don't help him around the house enough. This has been brought up before, and I've been as conscientious as I can as of late, but I'm still not where I need to be. He lists the things he needs me to do, most of which I'm already doing, then we get to the few things I'm not and I'm feeling like lazy garbage now. I work 45 or so hours a week plus I'm going to school for 9 credits. I'm planning our wedding as well. My schedule is regimented and extremely tight, his is much more flexible although he is incredibly busy as well. Nevertheless, he can take time off to hunt for the afternoon or go have lunch with his kids at school, etc. He told me again I'm lazy and that I left forks and spoons out before I left for my trip, and that I have a pile of stuff in the bedroom he's also mad about.

I do have a pile, absolutely. I moved into his house and I have literally nowhere to put it away or organize it. I will say, it's one of many piles around the house, I feel like I can't even manage to keep one spot free of the clutter. It's so overwhelming to me, and when I stress my needs he tells me it's unrealistic with kids. He told me he's been looking for a dresser for me but I haven't been looking, so the implication is I don't care about the problem. 

I told him when I have free time he could tell me what his priorities are and I would do what he wanted, literally. I'm trying really hard to keep all of my priorities handled, but I'm clearly missing helping him enough. He tells me I don't want to do things with him, which I felt was a surprise because I was asking for he and I to have a date or some alone time for awhile. I think my schedule has been getting in the way of what he wants to do, however, so I'm trying to be more conscientious there too. I've been out with a friend or friends three times in the last three months, and he pointed out all of those times as times he would have wanted to do something with me. I either didn't know or what he wanted to do was too time consuming for the window I had, I'll try to pay better attention though. I tell him that, and I tell him I feel like the worst person in the world all the time around him, like I don't even know why he wants to be with me. He has said the same thing, always in direct response to me bringing up an issue - he just says "I'm an awful boyfriend, you shouldn't even be with me then" and stops addressing the problem I feel. He sends me a text later, telling me I'm meaningful and my spirits lift.

So last night I get home, it's great at first, he picks me up at the airport and is all lovey and kissy. When we get to the house I start my backlog of homework immediately and he goes to fix a part on the truck. He's sending me texts as I'm reading and studying, but I wasn't picking up on or replying to his humor as I was stressed and busy and, yes, probably short and *****y. He comes into the room where I'm studying and I'm trying to read and I'm not being very responsive to him. He tells me I'm being *****y and pouty and when I respond I'm just trying to get my assignments done he claims he thought I was reading for pleasure. I continue to study, he goes and watches TV and is drinking as he's hanging out. 

It's finally after midnight and I say I'm going to bed. He's texting me from down the hall, I'm having trouble following the texts but it's clear he's upset. I'm feeling pretty stressed too, so I curl up and try to sleep. He comes in the room, takes a handgun out of the dresser and starts messing with it. When I ask what he's doing he starts telling me he can't sleep in the same bedroom as me and then he wanders off. I'm trying to sort out what the Hell is happening when I hear the side door open and a shot, less than twenty feet from where I'm laying. I run to the side door and he's standing there, taking shots into the yard. (We live in a residential neighborhood, big yards, but not legal or really all that safe to shoot in.) I ask him what in the Hell he's doing and he says he's just shooting. He goes back to the bedroom, reloads, claims the gun is jamming and I ask him to please stop, he's scaring me. He says no. He shoots out the back bedroom door a few more times, starts telling me one bullet is different than the others, and as I'm trying to figure out what that means he tells me I can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard. (This morning he denies saying that. I don't know if he doesn't remember or what, he's typically very honest.) He shoots into the yard and then goes to get another gun and starts putting a scope on it. He mellows out, we speak civilly and he tells me to go to bed. I'm still freaked out, but I finally go to bed after getting sick and I eventually fall asleep.

This morning, after sleeping in a different room, he's telling me I'm pouty and *****y and he's not going to tolerate my disrespect. I don't know how to get it across that I don't disrespect him until he acts like how he did. I don't know how to address this without sounding pouty and *****y. I feel **** down because I'm not perfect either, and what I'm hearing is "I'm not going to stop my behavior until yours improves." So round and round we go.

I'm afraid to go to a counselor now because I feel like if I told them everything that went on he'd be in trouble. So what am I doing that's driving him so far away from where our relationship started? I'm thinking of quitting school or reducing my hours at work so I can do what he obviously needs me to do. That makes me sad, but I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know where to start.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He would be in trouble for misusing a weapon.

Good. He needs to be. File that report. Now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Threatening you that he would commit suicide? 

I would not leave school. I would leave _him._
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Run as fast as you can. He is showing you who he is. Please believe him. You don't want to live like this.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TryingToDoBetter said:


> It's finally after midnight and I say I'm going to bed. He's texting me from down the hall, I'm having trouble following the texts but it's clear he's upset. I'm feeling pretty stressed too, so I curl up and try to sleep. He comes in the room, takes a handgun out of the dresser and starts messing with it. When I ask what he's doing he starts telling me he can't sleep in the same bedroom as me and then he wanders off. I'm trying to sort out what the Hell is happening when I hear the side door open and a shot, less than twenty feet from where I'm laying. I run to the side door and he's standing there, taking shots into the yard. (We live in a residential neighborhood, big yards, but not legal or really all that safe to shoot in.) I ask him what in the Hell he's doing and he says he's just shooting. He goes back to the bedroom, reloads, claims the gun is jamming and I ask him to please stop, he's scaring me. He says no. He shoots out the back bedroom door a few more times, starts telling me one bullet is different than the others, and as I'm trying to figure out what that means he tells me I can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard. (This morning he denies saying that. I don't know if he doesn't remember or what, he's typically very honest.) He shoots into the yard and then goes to get another gun and starts putting a scope on it. He mellows out, we speak civilly and he tells me to go to bed. I'm still freaked out, but I finally go to bed after getting sick and I eventually fall asleep.


Run as far away from this man as you can get. He sounds mentally unstable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you dated him? How old are the two of you?

You have not done anything to drive him to this behavior. What is happening is that now that you are living in his house, he is starting to do what all abusers do. He's starting to be abusive.

That act he pulled last night was not about him killing himself. If he was going to kill himself he would have done it. It was about threatening you. What he did is to let you know that this time he's shooting out the back door. Next time it just might be your head.

Please get away from this guy. If you do not, your life is going to be hell. In a year or so you will not even recognize yourself because you will be so beaten up emotionally and scared that you will be non-functional. That's his goal. Why? So he can control you. Abuse is always about control.

I have no doubt that your neighbors are scared to death today not knowing who was shooting or why. Please call the police and tell them what he did.

Get out of the house. So stay with a friend or family member until you can get a place of your own again. Come back later with someone and the police to get your stuff. Do not ever go near him with out the police.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people who threaten suicide kill other people.

You do not need to leave him you need to ESCAPE him ASAP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He sounds absolutely ghastly. You need to get far away from this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bb-jay (Dec 15, 2015)

Toying with a weapon when angry is just a catastrophe waiting to happen.
There are only a few times when your potential spouse's true/hidden personality becomes absolutely clear. Yours story is one of such times. RUN, then when you're done running, RUN as far as you can.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

WTH. He could have killed a neighbor or passer-by. He should be in jail. He's dangerous.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

For the love of all things holy.

Run.

Run to the hills.

Get your stuff and run like there's no tomorrow.

You now see how he truly is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Listen to everyone. He's being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and manipulative. It's only going to get worse. I've been where you are only he was going to shoot our toddler and then himself just so I would suffer the pain of losing my little girl. He was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder. Abuse ALWAYS ESCALATES. If you know he would be angry or embarrassed for anyone to know what he has said or done, it's wrong. He will always want you to hide and excuse his behavior. There IS none. 

If your friends and family knew about this, what would they say? Get the hell out, right? Those people have your best interest at heart. You have nothing invested besides some time. I'd get a restraining order to buy some time to leave and to get that on record. He's trying to put all of this on you. While noone is infallible, you are always the one trying and sacrificing, aren't you? 

Please... stay safe and get out before this gets worse. It WILL get worse.


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## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. Here's where things are as of today...

I only went to work for an hour or so yesterday, I was just too exhausted. When I came home he was there and asked if I was sick. I told him I couldn't word as shook up as I was. He looked at me a little funny then suggested he make me some lunch and I take a nap. Okay. I crawled into bed and slept, did my studies and then later in the evening took a bath. As I was getting ready for my bath he came in, acting perfectly normal. In fact, he's asking if I'm in a better mood, on and on. Asks if I want a glass of wine or something. I commented I was not interested in either of us drinking, I didn't want a repeat of the other night. He looks super confused, and asks, "why, we blew off some steam?" 

My jaw just about hit the floor, I told him shooting out the side doors is NOT "blowing off steam." He's looking at me weird and then kind of half laughs and says, "with a wad (sp?)?? You know those weren't, like, real bullets, right??" Basically, the bullets weren't bullets, they're a cardboard blank sort of thing (I'm not that knowledgeable in this topic, I'm sure I'm getting the words wrong.) I burst into tears and asked him why he said he was going to shoot himself, and he says he doesn't remember saying that but if he did it was to be mean because he was so sure I just hated him for the ex girlfriend situation and that I was being mean to him to take it out on him. I'm sobbing now, he's holding me, and he's apologizing for scaring me by saying something like that especially when I thought he had real bullets loaded.

That night he agreed a counselor is order, and he also promised not to drink while we're together for awhile. He has an ex who was physically abusive to both him and his children and he agrees his anger continues to escalate in a way that's abusive. He said if I needed to move out for awhile he'd understand and pay for a place (I can afford it on my own, but that was still nice). 

Anyway, I'm not ready to give up yet, so thank you and please keep commenting, this is good support for me.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Interesting. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth about the bullets, but you're absolutely right about the fact that it's NOT a normal way to blow off steam. His behavior sounds like someone trying to manipulate their spouse into thinking they're "over-reacting" and crazy. Because opening a door and shooting blanks into the yard (if that's really what they were) is perfectly normal. I'm not a gun-owner, but this doesn't sound like normal, safe gun-handling. Not in a rural area. I would think if you wanted to blow-off steam with a gun, you go to a shooting range or somewhere private and safe. 

I could be wrong, but it sounds like your BF/fiancée is trying to appease you by "agreeing" to see a counselor. He may want to put you at ease because he realized you "caught" him at your sense of danger/panic is kicking in. I would still be very careful. Anyone can go to a counselor and act normal for awhile, lay low until you feel everything is okay again.

But maybe it was a one time incident. Regardless, I think seeing a counselor is a good thing. Maybe by yourself first, so he can't persuade the IC that you're overreacting and manipulate the situation to seem like he's the sane one.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

You're not married to him. Leave.

Trust the advice that's being given - leave and get a restraining order while you're at it because that guy is nucking futs.


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## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

I've never had a single reason to doubt he's telling me the truth, so I believe him about the blanks. On our list of issues, honesty is definitely not a topic of concern. And once he realized I thought those were real, live rounds; he didn't make me feel like I was overreacting at all. In fact, he was pretty horrified.

I don't know that counseling will solve anything, but I'll feel like I've tried my hardest to be my best and for me that's what matters. And even if it's not with me it can only help in all of his relationships moving forward. We'll see. I'm definitely willing to try if he's showing engagement in the process.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You may be ADD but he is MENTAL. 

Please leave him immediately and get a restraining order if he ever does something like that again. You know, acting reckless and nuts with a loaded weapon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I grew up with weapons in the home and still have a couple of my own. The FIRST rule that my father taught all 8 of his children when we were little kids is that the ONLY time you fire a weapon is on a firing range, at an animal you are hunting for food, and in self-defense to kill.

Since then I have learned that there is an exception for blanks used in the movie industry… but there are strict rules how those are used and fired because they can be dangerous.. they can cause serious injury and kill. Generally they have to get permission from local law enforcement to fire blanks on a movie set. Blanks are not just fun noise and smoke makers.

Discharging any bullet, even blanks, from a fire arm is illegal in most cities/towns. Why? Because anything that goes out of the barrel of a gun is dangerous.

You are wrong to just brush off what he did simply because he is now making excuses. He might not be lying about the type of round that he used, but he is down playing the seriousness and danger of what he did. Though, since you have describe the bullets as two completely different types of bullets (wad bullet vs blank), it sounds like he’s feeding you a line.

He is also down playing the fact that he did it to intimidate and threaten you. What is did is a classic move by an abuser. That’s why he’s making light of it. He’s amused that he was able to scare you like that and you are not wise enough to run like hell.

Your boyfriend is the kind of person who gives responsible gun owners a bad name. People who misuse and play games with dangerous weapons are bad news. He apparently does not have a clue about gun safety. 

I have no idea why you would contemplate staying one minute longer with a loose cannon who did a threatening stunt like that to scare you. But since you seem intent to keep yourself in a dangerous and abusive relationship… try to get him to take gun safety classes. Maybe you can suggest to him that you too want to learn how to handle a gun and you would like him to take the class with you. AT least maybe you will learn what kind of bullets he’s using to threaten and scare you.

Or maybe your neighbors will do everyone an favor and call the cops on him the next time he does this. I have no doubt that he will be doing it again. Don’t be surprised if you are the target one of these times.

You have given two descriptions for the bullets. What you describe are two different types of rounds. 

"with a wad (sp?)??
"Basically, the bullets weren't bullets, they're a cardboard blank sort of thing"

If they are ‘wad’ bullets… they are not blanks and are lethal at close range. They can do a lot of damage and kill. They are often used for close range target practice, self-defense, or for murder at close range.

If they are blanks, then they are not as lethal but are still dangerous. If you put a blank against your skull and fire it will most likely break your skull. It can of course cause damage anywhere on the human body. People do die from blanks.

Does he buy his ammo? Or does he load his own?

If I were you, I’d find out what kind of guy he has and what kind of ammo. You can do some internet searchers in the bullets.

Look them up, look at the pictures and read about them
“Wad bullets”
“Bank bullets”
Also look up the kind and caliber of gun that he has.

Is this what the bullets look like? Or are they flat on top? Or are they different from either of those descriptions?


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

TryingtodoBetter, Please listen to Elegirl. 

Even with your new information, this guy seems pretty unstable.

Maybe he has a multiple personality disorder and really does care for you and want to have a successful relationship with you one day, and the next he's feeling stressed so he fires a gun out an open window. It doesn't matter if they were blanks, or wads, or IF he was Just pointing his gun out the window and loudly shouting "BAM, BAM, BAM" then even THAT would concern me. 

Assuming you're telling the truth, and everything you said is accurate, I would be concerned. But I'm not a psychologist or mental behavior expert. If you don't think we know what we're talking about, fine. We're just people on the internet. What do we know?
But please: DO THIS!! 
Go a therapist/Counselor...whatever. Someone that would have expertise in anything behavioral issues.
Tell them what happened, including him threatening to shoot himself. Did that really happen? IF it did, then even that alone is scary.

So, again, Tell them everything you told us. If they say that's normal, sane behavior, he was just harmlessly blowing off steam....then go ahead and try to make things work. But if they're worth their weight in paper-clips, they'll tell you that this guy is likely mentally unstable. 


That counselor should give you the legitimate answers you need that could very well save your life!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I grew up with weapons in the home and still have a couple of my own. The FIRST rule that my father taught all 8 of his children when we were little kids is that the ONLY time you fire a weapon is on a firing range, at an animal you are hunting for food, and in self-defense to kill.
> 
> Since then I have learned that there is an exception for blanks used in the movie industry… but there are strict rules how those are used and fired because they can be dangerous.. they can cause serious injury and kill. Generally they have to get permission from local law enforcement to fire blanks on a movie set. Blanks are not just fun noise and smoke makers.
> 
> ...


Even "real" blank bullets can kill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

What your fiancé did strongly reminded me of a type of abuser described by Lundy Bancroft in his book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men", The Terrorist. Maybe he isn't an abuser and maybe he is but not exactly The Terrorist, but if there is the slightest chance that he is, you need to run fast. 

Please read this book but if you don't want to, at least read this:
https://www.facebook.com/notes/beck...he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

Good luck and stay safe!


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## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your advice and concern for my safety. I'm willing to work on this because of the good he exhibits the vast majority of the time, and that I feel like he's invested in trying and invested in getting better. If I didn't sense that, I'd be gone.

We've set aside an hour each night he's home (he's a pilot, not always here) to go sit in the hot tub and just communicate what's on our mind. We used to do this when the relationship was very new, and it was invaluable. We rarely had a disagreement because we talked so often it never got to that point. As silly as this sounds, when the old hot tub died about six months ago we just stopped, now when we try to talk we get interrupted or distracted. When I told him how I missed our one on one time out in the tub, he went out and bought a new one and had it delivered last night. We built a fire and just talked while we filled it and it was eye opening to find all the things we've been neglecting in each other's lives. He talked about his ex who was both physically abusive to him and then his kids (why he left and how he got custody of the children), and how he feels like escalating to her level of screaming/shouting was the only way he ever could communicate with her at the end. I asked him how much sense that made to treat me like that when it was the exact reason he left her. 

I dunno where all of this will go, but I feel like he scared himself as much as he scared me and truly wants to work on this.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

TryingToDoBetter said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice and concern for my safety. I'm willing to work on this because of the good he exhibits the vast majority of the time, and that I feel like he's invested in trying and invested in getting better. If I didn't sense that, I'd be gone.
> 
> We've set aside an hour each night he's home (*he's a pilot*, not always here) to go sit in the hot tub and just communicate what's on our mind. We used to do this when the relationship was very new, and it was invaluable. We rarely had a disagreement because we talked so often it never got to that point. As silly as this sounds, when the old hot tub died about six months ago we just stopped, now when we try to talk we get interrupted or distracted. When I told him how I missed our one on one time out in the tub, he went out and bought a new one and had it delivered last night. We built a fire and just talked while we filled it and it was eye opening to find all the things we've been neglecting in each other's lives. He talked about his ex who was both physically abusive to him and then his kids (why he left and how he got custody of the children), and how he feels like escalating to her level of screaming/shouting was the only way he ever could communicate with her at the end. I asked him how much sense that made to treat me like that when it was the exact reason he left her.
> 
> I dunno where all of this will go, but I feel like he scared himself as much as he scared me and truly wants to work on this.


I think he needs to undergo some kind of psychological evaluation asap because flying a plane requires a mentally healthy and stable person. 

The comments he made (one bullet is different than the others and that you can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard and later denying he said it) make me really uncomfortable.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you're inteligence is just average you'll leave yesterday


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## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> If you're inteligence is just average you'll leave yesterday


And if your intelligence were even approaching below average, you'd know better than to leave unhelpful and offensive comments like that. Go troll elsewhere.


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## TryingToDoBetter (Dec 14, 2015)

Annie123 said:


> I think he needs to undergo some kind of psychological evaluation asap because flying a plane requires a mentally healthy and stable person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryingToDoBetter said:


> He does, actually. Also, periodic background checks, credit checks, drug testing etc. He flies private aircraft so different clients have different criteria.


I'll bet he never tell them that he shoots live ammo out his back door for the fun of it and to scare the living daylights out of his fiancé. 

Obviously the people doing the evaluation are not good enough to catch that he's a lose cannon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TryingToDoBetter said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice and concern for my safety. *I'm willing to work on this because of the good he exhibits the vast majority of the time*, and that I feel like he's invested in trying and invested in getting better. If I didn't sense that, I'd be gone.


This is classic abuse pattern. Few abusers abuse all the time. They are "good the vast majority of the time". 

The way it works is that they will have a blow up like he did. He knows that he scared you and if he stayed at that level you will leave him. So now he enters the honeymoon stage. This is where you are at now. He's kissing up to you to make sure that you stay. then over time the tension will build until he explodes again. 

Then after that he will go back to the honeymoon stage. 

It's called intermittent reinforcement. It is the affective way to train a person , or an animal. But he's laid the groundwork... he has let you know that he will kill you if and when he gets too upset.. so you better not upset him.

It's not going to get better. It will only escalate.

Here is a link to read about the cycle of abuse. You need to learn to recognize this because you need to know when to get out of his way. It's not a way you should be living.


Cycle of Abuse

And here is a video for you .... the women in the video is basically you......

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave 


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