# Major Clash between New Wife and My Daughter



## secondtimearound

I'm newly married after ~8 year relationship with girlfriend, then fianance, now wife. It's number two for both of us. She has two teenage daughters, I have one college-age daughter away at school. There's always been some conflict between my wife and my daughter. Very different personalities, and my parenting style is more lenient and sensitive, probably because of my subconcious attempt to make up for the coldness of my kid's mom.

My kid and my wife recently had a major clash. It started over the sleeping arrangements for her boyfriend, who was visiting during winter break. I had recently sold my house and moved into my wife's house, and my kid doesn't feel comfortable or at home there. The argument ended with an angry phone conversation between the two of them. During a subsequent fight my wife picked with me, it came out that she thinks my kid is a spoiled brat, who's had a pretty comfortable life, gets everything she wants, and has no respect for others. 

In a conversation with my daugher, who was very upset at my wife's behavior and attacking phone call, she stated that she does not feel welcomed despite my wife's verbal attempt to do so. My kid's argument is "how can I feel welcomed if there are so many rules I have to follow that I didn't before?".

Although I feel like I'm in the middle of this, with obvious allegences to both people, my wife says everything is my fault and I put myself in the middle. She claims I've been shielding my daughter from her and her family for years and that I haven't set limits or said "no" firmly enough. Granted, I probably have done some shielding, but it was to protect my kid from situations I knew she would be very uncomfortable with.

My wife has nearly full custody of her kids. My daughter, now a legal adult with a car and money, can choose who (her mom or me) she spends time with when home from school. I've told my wife that if I'm not careful and we (or she) alienate my daughter enough, she may just decide to spend her "back home" time with her mom. My wife seems to think that, "Oh, she loves and needs you so much that she would never do that." True, perhaps, but should I be willing to test / risk that theory?

At this point my wife feels my daughter owes her an apology and my daughter feels my wife owes her an apology. Both of them see me as the enemy if I say "Well, I can see her (the other one's) point but I can see your point, too." It's worse than being a neutral party trying to negotiate a truce between two sides because each side sees me aligned with the other side.

There are deep feelings that my wife and my daughter hold and that go back years. I don't expect to snap my fingers and have them get along great. But I need to find a way to begin to repair the damage and find a way for them (and I) to spend time together without feeling jealous or making me feel like I'm walking a tightrope in the middle.

Any ideas?

Thanks...


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## that_girl

What was/is the problem? Can you give an example? I am not following.

If it's about the boyfriend and her staying in the same bed...well, I agree with your wife. If you have other children to set examples for, then your daughter's bf can sleep on the couch or floor. My mom had those rules too. Her house, her rules. 

I know it's your house too, but your daughter must learn that things change...that's life. When my stepdad (who raised me) remarried when I was 18, it was a shock and things changed. I chose not to talk to him for 8 years. My mistake, but still...it's what happened.


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## EleGirl

How long will your daughter be at your home if she comes?

What are the rules that your daughter thinks are unreasonable.


Your wife is not you daughter's mother. You should be the one who is dealing with your daughter and telling her what the house rules are. The way your wife should handle your daughter is as a house guest.. .period. And your daughter should treat your wife as a hostess.

Get your wife out of this. Children generally resent step parents; especially when step parents try to parent older kids. 

Perhaps you and your wife would benefit from some step-parenting counseling. There are some very good books out there on the topic.


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## secondtimearound

The problem started with my wife and I having different opinions on the sleeping arrangements. My daughter had asked me about one (separate beds) and I said OK because I was OK with it. My mistake - should have asked the wife first. By the time my wife chimed in, my daughter had a mixed message and my wife was angry that 1) I didn't consult with her first, and 2) we didn't put forth a "united front".

What my kid got from the mixed message was "new wife's house, her rules, dad's rules don't count." And "new wife gets to overrule dad". I agree that my daughter needs to "learn that things change". But she may very likely teach me the same lesson, in that she won't spend time with me anymore but just go to her mom's instead.

I certainly made some mistakes, but in trying to avoid a conflict, I seem to have created a giant one and got two people I care about mad at me at the same time.


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## secondtimearound

When (if?) my daughter stays with us, it would be for just a few days at a time during the school year, but potentially many weeks at a time during the summer. The rules she doesn't like have to do with the types of food that can be eaten in the house, quiet / bedtime hours, things like "no IM'ing at the table", and where to put your shoes. Most of it seems trivial, at least to me, but to my daughter it's just one more adult telling her what to do.

My wife does not treat my daughter as a house guest but rather a member of the family. That sounds nice, until you realize that means she's expected to do chores, behave like the other (younger) kids, and "share me" with the others. I suspect that's part of her issue, because she doesn't have me to herself anymore or have an influence on what the "house rules" are.

My kid certainly has some other issues - I sold the house she grew up in and moved in with "another family". She feels replaced, excluded, ignored, despite my best efforts to make her feel important and included. She's far away at college, so there's probably some separation anxiety as well, made worse by my new marital and housing situation.

My wife seems to think she can impose her parenting style on my kid, who's been used to my (different) way of doing it for 18 years. It's hard to "keep my wife out of" the dad / daughter relationship because she's trying so hard to make us "a family". I just don't think my daughter feels a need for a new family - she had me, and that was fine.

If anyone knows of any good books on "blended families" or "parenting a step-child", I'd love to get some recommendations.


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## TNgirl232

You have 2 kids at home that you are trying to raise. It undermines your authority to have one set of rules for them and another set for you daughter. She is an adult, and its time for her, and you, to realize that. She wants to come home to live, she has to live by the house rules. They may have changed now that you are married, but she needs to learn to deal with those. If she were still a teen at home, would you allow her to have a different set of rules from the other kids? No, because that wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be fair now. You are afraid of what 'might' happen and its controlling your thoughts here. If your daughter acts how you are afraid, she is just trying to control and manipulate you, as the rules you listed, are not that strict.


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## DawnD

:iagree: what would your daughter have to do if she was staying with her boyfriends family? well, she would have to adjust to their rules. Do you mean to tell me she never slept over at a friends house and had to listen to their parents rules?? that's ridiculous.

Stop letting your daughter manipulate you, and yes IMO you should apologize to your wife. She is trying to be a family, and you are willing to let your daughter crap all over it because of new "house rules".


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## secondtimearound

OK, so I see that I'm not getting much sympathy here, and I am starting to wonder if I've been too closed-minded about this whole thing. However, I would like you to understand things from my daughter's perspective: Her parents got divorced when she was young (7). Her mom moved 30 minutes away into a house with her new boyfriend and his kids. Her mom is a workaholic with no maternal instincts and very strict rules. Her mom paid no attention to her and said she needed to work any time my daughter asked to spend some time with her. My daughter didn't get along (at all) with mom's boyfriend. In light of all this, I over-compensated. I tried to be more of a friend than a parent, encouraged a social life while she was in middle and high school (even if it meant driving her all over the place), and allowed her to do things her mom would have vetoed. In hindsight, I realize this probably wasn't the best thing for me to do, but she's in college now, and I can't go back and "re-parent" her.

She is a good kid - smart, funny, generally polite. She doesn't do drugs or hang out with the "wrong" crowd. But she does expect me to protect her and support her and make her one of my top priorities.

The core problem is that I essentially forced my daughter into a situation (new wife, different house, additional people to live with, etc.) that she had no say in creating. The particular issue (boyfriend sleeping arrangements) that triggered the battle was really just the spark. Their are huge issues and conflicts between my wife and my daughter. How do I begin to facilitate a repair of that relationship? What do I do when there's a difference of opinion between the two of them (and I agree with one or the other, or maybe neither)? How do I balance my daughter's desire (I hope) to spend time with me with her aversion to my wife?

Yes, my daughter manipulates me. But so does my wife, and other people in my life. I don't want to become a jerk that just says "no" to everyone. I have only one daughter who is already far away at college. I don't want to lose her as she enters her adult years.


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## DawnD

sooo, what are you "protecting" your daughter from right now? Your wife and her kids? Nooo, you are "protecting" her from needing to learn that every house has its own rules. Which basically means, you want her to be able to walk all over your wife. 

She doesn't live at home full time. She is off at college and has a boyfriend who is going to stay with you? I am sorry, but unless she had a boyfriend living at your place before you got married, this is uncharted waters. Can you honestly tell me that you had rules already in place for when her boyfriends would come home with her on spring/summer breaks? 

Honestly, you need to let both of them know that you made decisions without consulting your wife, which was unfair to all parties involved. Then you sit down all three of you and lay out what the rules are and why. Your daughter is grown, so treat her like it.


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## tacoma

Your daughter is an adult she can sleep with who she wants, she can eat what she wants, do what she wants, as long as she`s being respectful.

Your wife wants to treat her like a child and it comes across as a control issue.

If the stay is only a few days get your daughter a hotel room.
If it`s longer have her stay with her mom.

Your problems will be resolved in a few years when your resentment of your wifes alienation of your daughter becomes so great that you lose your desire to be with your wife.

Have fun with that.

Actually during the long stays I`d still get her a hotel room and one for myself as well.
I simply wouldn`t come home while my daughter was visiting.
See how the wife likes that.


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## DawnD

tacoma said:


> Your daughter is an adult she can sleep with who she wants, she can eat what she wants, do what she wants, as long as she`s being respectful.
> 
> Your wife wants to treat her like a child and it comes across as a control issue.
> 
> If the stay is only a few days get your daughter a hotel room.
> If it`s longer have her stay with her mom.
> 
> Your problems will be resolved in a few years when your resentment of your wifes alienation of your daughter becomes so great that you lose your desire to be with your wife.
> 
> Have fun with that.
> 
> Actually during the long stays I`d still get her a hotel room and one for myself as well.
> I simply wouldn`t come home while my daughter was visiting.
> See how the wife likes that.



RIGHT. How dare she put HER two daughters welfare in the picture. How DARE she not want her spouses daughter coming in the house and getting her own special set of rules.


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## tacoma

DawnD said:


> RIGHT. How dare she put HER two daughters welfare in the picture. How DARE she not want her spouses daughter coming in the house and getting her own special set of rules.


How is she harming her two daughters welfare by allowing two adults to sleep in the same room?
She gets a "special" set of rules because she`s an adult.
Our entire culture is built upon a "special" set of rules for adults v children.

if they had a friends/couple come visit for a holiday would she force them to sleep separately?

I don`t think so.

Would she dictate what could and could be eaten by the guests?

I don`t think so.

Would she dictate how they use their phones?
No..I don`t think so.

This has more to do with control than anything else and I`d simply make my daughters stay with me a holiday at a nice hotel while she was here in order to ruin her attempts to control.

Then again I wouldn`t have married someone so uptight to begin with.


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## EleGirl

Some of the rules can be different because of the difference in age between your wife's teen age daughters and your 20 year old daughter.

What are the food rules? Is it something like no junk food?


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## DawnD

tacoma said:


> How is she harming her two daughters welfare by allowing two adults to sleep in the same room?
> She gets a "special" set of rules because she`s an adult.
> Our entire culture is built upon a "special" set of rules for adults v children.
> 
> if they had a friends/couple come visit for a holiday would she force them to sleep separately?
> 
> I don`t think so.
> 
> Would she dictate what could and could be eaten by the guests?
> 
> I don`t think so.
> 
> Would she dictate how they use their phones?
> No..I don`t think so.
> 
> This has more to do with control than anything else and I`d simply make my daughters stay with me a holiday at a nice hotel while she was here in order to ruin her attempts to control.
> 
> Then again I wouldn`t have married someone so uptight to begin with.


 If she is an adult, the she can very well afford her own hotel to stay with her boyfriend in. Maybe his wife doesn't agree with premarital sex, or doesn't want her two children to think that its okay to run around and bring men home to screw.

The food thing, no I don't get it.

The phone? I bet adults would at least be courteous about it, and probably wouldn't IM during dinner time. Nothing more rude then a person sitting there tapping away at a phone when you are trying to have a group discussion.


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## tacoma

DawnD said:


> If she is an adult, the she can very well afford her own hotel to stay with her boyfriend in. Maybe his wife doesn't agree with premarital sex, or doesn't want her two children to think that its okay to run around and bring men home to screw.


That`s where my "I wouldn`t marry someone that uptight to begin with" statement" comes in.



> The food thing, no I don't get it.
> 
> The phone? I bet adults would at least be courteous about it, and probably wouldn't IM during dinner time. Nothing more rude then a person sitting there tapping away at a phone when you are trying to have a group discussion.


These are the things that lead me to believe it`s more about control than anything else.
It`s more than slightly ridiculous.


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## CandieGirl

I'd be interested in hearing the wife's side of the story; sometimes, our darling children just aren't all that darling.

I had to put up with H's rude and insolent teen boys last summer. There was a lot of tongue biting, believe me; but I let him carry on with parenting his boys, and I kept my mouth shut and tended to my own kids.

The thing about trying to blend families is that the kids rarely want anything to do with it, and the older they are, the harder it is. My 7 year old son was so excited to have the older boys come; in his mind, he thought he was getting new brothers. By the end of the 4 weeks, he was crying everyday, because they were mean to him. Of course, 12/14 year olds won't want much to do with a 7 year old, especially a 7 year old that now lives with their Dad, but it's just an example of how hard it is to blend everyone.

Rules about the food in your house? I gather your daughter doesn't like anything your wife prepares. That was a huge problem in our house during H's boys visit...they complained and whined about every meal! Really, I'm not that bad of a cook! I chalked it up to them trying to generally be disagreeable with me, since that was the only area I had complete control of while they stayed; Dad can't cook!


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## tacoma

CandieGirl said:


> I'd be interested in hearing the wife's side of the story; sometimes, our darling children just aren't all that darling.




That's a good point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

The college kid does not get treated as an adult until she is out on her own supporting herself. You are responsible for giving your daughter a poor life by allowing your first marriage to dissolve. But today your responsibility is to guide your own daughter. It seems your current wife has good values that would help your daughter in life but you lack them. I totally agree with not allowing a boy to cohabitate with a girl and the example it sets with the minor children. Same with texting at dinner. It makes no sense to me that you think that in order to compensate for giving her a bad childhood and a divorice, your answer is to let her break house rules and demonstrate to her that a marriage does not require Husband and Wife to be in joint agreement.


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## secondtimearound

(I'm the OP.) My wife's point of view, which I do agree with, is that I should have discussed things with her first, come to an agreement, then presented a "unified front" to my daughter. She's as upset about my failure to do that than the actual situation that occurred. In my defense, when my kid asked me about the situation, it just didn't seem like a big deal to me and I gave her my answer, not even thinking it was something I needed to discuss with my wife.

My daughter's point of view, which I also agree with, is that she had no say on my relationship, marriage, selling the house she grew up in, and moving in with my wife. Lots of changes were imposed upon her, without any opportunity for her to comment, question, or compromise. She's also just a different kind of kid than my wife's kids. My daughter is opinionated, determined, and will stand up for herself. (This has been challenging for me as a parent, but her self-confidence will serve her well as she integrates into the adult world.) My wife's kids have trouble thinking for themselves sometimes, can be indecisive, don't know how to handle some situations, and may not adequately defend themselves against outside (and not always friendly) persuasions. So one problem is that my wife's way of dealing with her kids doesn't work with mine and that leads to frustration (all around) and conflict.

I appreciate the comments (even the ones saying I was wrong!) because they got me thinking about the situation in a different way. The MORE GENERAL ISSUE, though, that I'd love to see a discussion about, is HOW TO BLEND TWO FAMILIES? Whether blended families involve previously-single parents or divorce situations, the kids have likely gone through some emotional trauma, issues of loyalty, battles with uncertainty, and not knowing (or trusting) the future. How do we, as adults, help the kids get along with each other and with the "new" adult in the family?

The Brady Bunch made it look so easy, so happy, so joyous. How do we attempt to do something similar?


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## DawnD

secondtimearound said:


> My daughter's point of view, which I also agree with, is that she had no say on my relationship, marriage, selling the house she grew up in, and moving in with my wife. Lots of changes were imposed upon her, without any opportunity for her to comment, question, or compromise.


Why are you under the impression that your adult daughter needs to give you her permission to get married? She doesn't live at home anymore, so why would you need her permission to sell a house and move in with your wife? Am I missing something? Those are all decisions that are between you and your wife.

You asked how to blend a family, well your wife is right on target. United front. You do not make decisions without consulting one another and you never throw each other under the bus. If you want to mend the fences sit down together ( all 3 of you) and admit that you were wrong to decide anything without consulting your wife. Talk about the rules and why they are in place.


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## tacoma

DawnD said:


> If you want to mend the fences sit down together ( all 3 of you) and admit that you were wrong to decide anything without consulting your wife. Talk about the rules and why they are in place.


Point is I don`t think the OP agrees with the rules as I wouldn`t either.
Nor would I be henpecked by my wife over them.

So where is the compromise to come from?


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## DawnD

tacoma said:


> Point is I don`t think the OP agrees with the rules as I wouldn`t either.
> Nor would I be henpecked by my wife over them.
> 
> So where is the compromise to come from?


 Between two grown ups and an adult child? I am assuming that sitting down face to face should give them all the chance to chime in with what they think, and his wife doesn't sound unreasonable. She sounds hurt that he would agree to things without talking to her first.


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## tacoma

DawnD said:


> Between two grown ups and an adult child? I am assuming that sitting down face to face should give them all the chance to chime in with what they think, and his wife doesn't sound unreasonable. She sounds hurt that he would agree to things without talking to her first.


I`m sorry but a woman who needs so much control as to actually dictate what can and can`t be eaten in her house doesn`t sound very reasonable to me.

I wish them luck though, they`re going to need it.


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## DawnD

tacoma said:


> I`m sorry but a woman who needs so much control as to actually dictate what can and can`t be eaten in her house doesn`t sound very reasonable to me.
> 
> I wish them luck though, they`re going to need it.


I didn't say all her rules were good, but it doesn't seem to me like wanting to bring in an adult daughter and her boyfriend without any rules would be okay either. And OP already said the wife was more upset about the fact that he didn't consult her first.


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## TNgirl232

"My daughter's point of view, which I also agree with, is that she had no say on my relationship, marriage, selling the house she grew up in, and moving in with my wife. Lots of changes were imposed upon her, without any opportunity for her to comment, question, or compromise."

I, like DawnD, wonder why she gets a say in any of these things. Is it not your life? Why would you let your daughter decide who you get to date, who you get to marry, and where you live? If she was still a child, I might ask her if she wanted a new mom - AND I would take her answer into consideration based on my own observations as well, but to let your college age daughter decide if Dad can get married - you have given her to much control of your life. She is not your equal - she is your child. 

Same goes for house rules - she can have an opinion and state that opinon, but ultimately the decision is yours and your wife's - and its between you two that the compromise has to be reached. Not between you, your wife and your daughter.


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## tacoma

DawnD said:


> I didn't say all her rules were good, but it doesn't seem to me like wanting to bring in an adult daughter and her boyfriend without any rules would be okay either. And OP already said the wife was more upset about the fact that he didn't consult her first.


We can agree to disagree on the specifics dawn and that`s fine.

I am however in agreement that sitting down and hashing this out into some type of acceptable compromise is he best route to take.

i`m just throwing in the caveat that it very well might get them no where considering the obvious different world views they hold.


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## girl friday

In my experience blending families is one of the hardest things you will ever do. There are so many peoples feelings, expectations and wants and needs to be taken into consideration and you can never make all of the people happy all of the time.

Firstly though you have to put your relationship with your wife first and make sure that you and your wife listen to each other and always discuss everything as a couple before making decisions. The children's needs should be taken into consideration when making decisions and deciding rules that are applicable to your household. Encourage them to have input but in the end it has to be you and your wife that make the final decision.

There are a lot of divorced parents that use guilt to direct their parenting decisions and let their children manipulate them to "make up for past hurts and disappointments". In the long run this doesn't help the child at all and turns them into self absorbed brats. I know this from experience as my partner has one.

Try not to feel as if you are sitting on a fence being pulled in two, put yourself on the same side as your wife and move forward as a team. Maybe she does have some control issues, but if you sit down with her and involve her in decision making maybe she might loosen up a bit if she feels you have not "cut her out".


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## Hicks

You have to stop trying to be the fixer.
You are judging all your women's ability to raise children and trying to compensate for that. Rather, you should accept people for who they are and support and lead them. This includes your wife, daugther, step d.


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## secondtimearound

OP here again...Thanks again for the insightful discussion. I've always seen myself as an open-minded mediator, so not only do I see my wife's and my daughter's viewpoints, but I see both sides of the comments here.

A few points seem to be emerging...

1) Always side with my wife since she's an adult married to me, and ignore my daughter's opinions since she's just my kid and barely an adult.

2) Don't let my wife push me around - her control issues are her problem, not mine or my daughter's.

3) Don't encourage a blossoming adult relationship with my daughter (who's 19) but rather treat her as a kid I can just order around.

Regarding #1, what if I have a differing opinion from my wife, whether it's inline with my daughter's or not? How do we present a united front if the two of us simply don't agree on something? Surely I'm not supposed to give in and go her way every time, right? And how do you suppose my daughter will feel when it becomes obvious (she already thinks this is the case) that I'm always siding with my wife and completely ignoring her views?

Regarding #2, my wife is not the control freak I may have portrayed here. But she is firm, and believes her rules and way of doing things is best (don't we all?!) Any smart husband knows there are consequences to pushing back on your wife. I won't feel true to myself if I'm always giving in, and I suspect she wouldn't respect me if I did. So how do I find the fine line between capitulating to whatever she wants and holding my ground?

Regarding #3, some comments in this thread seem to ignore the fact that my daughter had a somewhat difficult upbringing because of the divorce (when she was 6) and my ex-wife's nearly complete ignoring or nurturing of her daughter. If I took (or take) a "hard line" with my kid, not being sensitive to her vulnerabilities about parents and trust, there is a very real possibility that I will lose her, meaning that she'll just decided to stay in her college town (850 miles away) and not come home or spend time with me again. Surely we've all heard of kids who leave home at 18 or 19 or 20 and never come back. My concern is that if my wife and I present a "unified front" against my daughter, she'll just think, "Screw that, I'll go where people don't give me such a hard time."

Look, there are clearly issues over which there is no negotiation. If my daughter (or her boyfriend) wanted to smoke in the house, I would say "absolutely not!" before she could even finish asking. But there are some issues that, to me at least if not my wife, are borderline. Discussing (negotiating? arguing?) these things with my wife and daughter (separately and/or together) might get exhausting and just end with screaming and/or crying.

I understand that even in the best circumstances, blending families is very hard. My situation is made worse because I'm an attentive, caring Dad and husband, with two women each wanting 100% of me. Plus, there's been some underlying negative feelings between my wife and kid (in both directions) for years that I admit I avoided, hoping they would magically resolve as my kid got older. Foolish of me, of course, but now we are where we are. I could think, "Oh, well, this is just the way it's going to be." and spend the next 30 years trying to keep the two of them apart. But I'd rather tackle this and get to some reasonable resolution. I don't expect to see the two of them happily baking cookies together. It would be nice, though, if they could "agree to disagree" on some issues but still be polite and respectful of each other.

I'm going to search Amazon later for books on blended families. Any recommendations?


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## CandieGirl

Just try to make life as pleasant as possible for everyone involved. And that goes for your wife, too. Try to remember that children grow up, move on and start their own lives; the problems you're having are temporary. As long as your home life is not downright miserable and your wife isn't cruel to your daughter, don't worry about it too much; she'll always be your daughter.


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## DawnD

I don't think anyone here is saying you have to agree with your wife all the time. I do think people are saying that rules are meant to be discussed between the two "parents" before being discussed with the "kids". 

I get that your daughter had a rough life with her mother. (FYI, you made her younger this time, first it was 7 and now it is 6). That also doesn't get to be an excuse for having to follow rules. I know you know that. I don't think you give your daughter enough credit. Do you really think she loves you so little that she would never see you again because she had to follow some rules she doesn't like?


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## secondtimearound

@DawnD - My daughter was 6 when we told her about the divorce, but 7 when it actually happened.

I screwed up - I admit that. I answered a question from my daughter before conferring with my wife. I did not do so maliciously but rather because it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My daughter is upset because my wife "overruled" my initial decision. She's upset because my wife says "this is your home now" but then does and says things that contradict that. She's upset because she used to have me to herself and now has to share me with others.

I do think she loves and needs me. I don't think she would completely avoid me forever. But surely we've all heard of situations where college-age kids "go away" for years and only return after they've gotten older, wiser, and more mature. I sense that my daughter is on the verge of doing that and I'd like to avoid losing her, even if it's just for the next few years.

Besides the issue of "what actually happened" here, the problem I have is that I'm dealing with two people who are absolutely convinced they are 100% right and the other person is wrong. Neither one seems able to empathize with the other (or with me in the middle). I need to find some common ground between them so I can begin to repair their relationship.


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## tacoma

You do realize that repairing their relationship is probably an impossible task don't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## readyforbaby76

The core problem is that I essentially forced my daughter into a situation (new wife, different house, additional people to live with, etc.) that she had no say in creating. The particular issue (boyfriend sleeping arrangements) that triggered the battle was really just the spark. Their are huge issues and conflicts between my wife and my daughter. How do I begin to facilitate a repair of that relationship? What do I do when there's a difference of opinion between the two of them (and I agree with one or the other, or maybe neither)? How do I balance my daughter's desire (I hope) to spend time with me with her aversion to my wife?


This is a very tough one, but why didn't you and your daughter sit down BEFORE the "new wife, different house, etc etc"
and discuss what changes were going to occur and how things would be different before all this???
or did you? 

I agree with many of the responses here. Your daughter just needs to "deal" with the new wife and new rules. She is a BIG GIRL, being a parent, you need to teach her how to adjust to the situations that life throws at you, and this is just ONE example.

There are going to be many more situations that she'll have to do with as an adult in the world that she wont like... 
right??????


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## readyforbaby76

I think you need to have a good long talk with your daughter and explain to her that this is how things are now. That you made a mistake about answering the question without checking with your wife first, explain to her that in marriage, the spouces need to be onbaord and work together. 
Explain to her that she is still your little girl and still your priority and you will always consider he wants/needs first but that you are married now and that takes priority too.
Explain to her that she is an adult now and that you know what a strong woman she is and that you KNOW she can handle this in a adult manner, that you have that confidence in her. 

something like that.........

I also dont think you should let anyone manipulate you, wife, daughter, anyone. You need to work together with your wife.......
she'll respect you more.


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## tacoma

I don't usually even attempt to "deal" with situations I don't like if I can at all avoid it.

The OP is in an impossible position and doesn't even really seem to have a voice in his own home because his wife owns it

OP, if your wife wasn't in the picture and your daughter was visiting with her boyfriend in the same room would you allow it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## readyforbaby76

I think he said he would...........................its a very tough one.


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## Mella

secondtimearound said:


> Besides the issue of "what actually happened" here, the problem I have is that I'm dealing with two people who are absolutely convinced they are 100% right and the other person is wrong. Neither one seems able to empathize with the other (or with me in the middle). I need to find some common ground between them so I can begin to repair their relationship.


I feel for you. The situation you describe is one I've seen appear in my own extended family. It occurs when there is one controlling parent vs one easygoing parent and a lot of disrespect between persons. You are basically dealing with two very opinionated women who have little respect for one another and are showing disrespect for you as well. All three of you need to stop arguing over who's top dog and discuss this in a reasonable adult manner.

I disagree with people here who think 18 year olds are children. An 18 year old college student is a young adult, legally and practically. They can vote, go to war, drive, sign contracts, live most of their days at school in their own abode, and if they ever get in trouble with the law they most definitely will be charged as adults. You do not *tell* an 18 year old what to do, you *advise* them of the consequences of their actions and hope they follow your advice. If you instilled enough of your values and habits in them as children, that usually isn't a huge deal. (Only youthful ignorance leads to false arrogance and mistakes.)

You also have to understand that you chose your living situation. You've maintained your own household for so many years you forgot one of the basics of sharing. Checking with your co-owner on decisions. Had you done that, then perhaps you could have avoided this situation. You are also dealing with a wife who is not used to sharing decision-making with another adult. She's the mini-dictator in her home. That's an issue the two of you need to work out. Are you sharing decisions or is one a leader/other a follower? Be careful. If you go the leader/follower route you run the risk of the follower becoming childlike and appearing lazy while the leader feels overworked and feels unsupported. Dictatorships rarely work in households long term. Partnerships get better with age.

You cannot heal your wife and daughter's relationship. It is their relationship to heal or destroy. But you can stand up for your own by making each aware the effect they are having on their relationship with you by bringing them into the middle of it.

So far you have described your daughter seeking to deny your chance at a new life of love with a partner. Does she really want you to live alone till you die? If she loves you, she will be mature enough to realize that by sharing a home with someone you are also sharing the rulemaking for that home. It can't be just as you have only done it, because there is someone else with views and opinions on what makes a home comfortable. Also remind her that she has certain rules she must abide by, which she disagrees with, in every place she lives, including her dorms. If you rent, you have the rules of the landlord. If you own, you have a HOA. Mature adults figure out how to cope with those rules and how many rules before it is an intolerable home for them. (Be prepared that if she decides your new home is intolerable for her that she won't chose to make it hers as well. You can still see and spend time with her. She doesn't have to be under your roof to have a relationship with you. Don't let fear make your decisions.)

So far you are describing your wife disrespecting your ability to have an adult opinion that differs from yours. She's questioned your parenting achievements. She's gainsayed you in front of your daughter. She's insisting on treating the daughter you see as an adult as if she was a child. She's in effect treated you like the child here who should not be trusted to raise kids or even know when they are mature enough to be acknowledge raised. And she is forcing you to chose between your love for her and love for your daughter. That NEVER ends well for the wife. Is this your home together or her home and you're a tenant?

You made an honest mistake without malicious intent. But you are dealing with two unreasonable women in a contest of wills. The fight has gotten so intent, they are trampling over the one thing they have in common to win... the man they love. The best you can do is to make them aware of how they are hurting you, ask them to please stop and find a way to work it out, then LEAVE THEM ALONE! They have to decide which is more important: defeating each other or loving you.

I hope it works out for you.


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## SteveG

You have clearly avoided the question as to why you need permission from your daughter to marry your wife. Until you address this issue your credibility is on the ropes. I side with your wife.


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## MEM2020

Second time,
Tough spot. You need to find a compromise position that works. My two cents YMMV:
1. Your daughter cannot simultaneously claim that she misses you (being away mostly at school) but can't be bothered to shut her phone/messaging device at meal time. Your W is simply completely right about this. 
2. If your D wants to visit with a boyfriend - your W is within her rights insisting on separate bedrooms - sorry but with younger kids in the house you all should set a good example for them 
3. Your D needs to be a sport about helping out when visiting she is not a guest and she needs to chip in on dishes and cleaning up - she isn't your maid - but you aren't hers either
4. Your W needs to step up also. That means she needs to realize that because she has home field advantage and is the more mature/powerful person of the two of them - that she needs to make surer your daughter feels truly WELCOME in her house. That doesn't mean she caves in on the basic rules it does mean she does all those little things that show someone you want them around.

That also means that if your W feels some competition for your attention - she needs to be a freakin grown up and recognize that she gets the vast majority of your attention in life and that your daughter deserves to get priority during her brief visits. And when you talk to each of them you firmly tell them that you expect them to do this FOR YOU. 

If your W can't find the maturity/security to do what she needs to - don't fight with her - I mean it. Just put your daughter up in a nearby hotel and spend loads of time with her. And don't get drawn into arguments with your w about it when she complains. Simply tell her - when we can all play together nicely - I won't have to be "away" from you when I am with my D. 

If your D is being a pill - you can use the hotel - but I would squeeze her a bit on your availability and take some of the cost of the H out of her annual gift budget - holiday and birthday gifts.....

Good luck. 



TE=secondtimearound;558073]@DawnD - My daughter was 6 when we told her about the divorce, but 7 when it actually happened.

I screwed up - I admit that. I answered a question from my daughter before conferring with my wife. I did not do so maliciously but rather because it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My daughter is upset because my wife "overruled" my initial decision. She's upset because my wife says "this is your home now" but then does and says things that contradict that. She's upset because she used to have me to herself and now has to share me with others.

I do think she loves and needs me. I don't think she would completely avoid me forever. But surely we've all heard of situations where college-age kids "go away" for years and only return after they've gotten older, wiser, and more mature. I sense that my daughter is on the verge of doing that and I'd like to avoid losing her, even if it's just for the next few years.

Besides the issue of "what actually happened" here, the problem I have is that I'm dealing with two people who are absolutely convinced they are 100% right and the other person is wrong. Neither one seems able to empathize with the other (or with me in the middle). I need to find some common ground between them so I can begin to repair their relationship.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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