# Violence



## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

Once there have been incidents of violent behavior in a marriage, do you think it can ever be saved? I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years and things have been really bad lately. I've called the cops on him twice for violent behavior, not hitting me, but the first time he put me up against a wall by my throat. The most recent incident he pushed me down and put me in a chokehold. Unfortunately, I also have a hard time controlling my behavior with him, so I'm not saying it's all his fault. I have slapped him and thrown things many times and the rage I feel for him is making it more and more difficult. I think we are just really really wrong for eachother. We also have a 3 yr old son and I am worried things will get out of hand in front of him sometime too  I am in therapy right now by myself, my husband is very resistant to the idea of counseling.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

In this case, no. You have bi-directional violence, with only one direction looking to fix it. Your husband doesn't want counseling but it is a rare person that can stop themselves from being an abuser on their own, by sheer force of willpower. The only way it gets better is if your H puts real effort into it, and that means getting help. (That goes for you too, so don't give up on the abuse counseling any time soon.)

These things tend to escalate over time. If your H refuses to get help, get out before something really serious happens, both for yourself and your son.

If you are really wrong for each other, is it even worth saving?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you would need to work together, with a counselor, to learn new ways to interact and for each of you to learn how to control your own behavior.

The way to start to avoid the anger and violence is that as soon as you or he starts to get upset to separate. Refuse to continue interacting with him until you have both calmed yourselves down... this is usually half an hour to an hour. 

A good book to read is "The Dance of Anger".

I never suggest anyone stay in a situation with violence. The chance of serious harm is to high that it's not worth it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

beautygirl1881 said:


> Once there have been incidents of violent behavior in a marriage, do you think it can ever be saved?


Yes. It can take work, but I think people can change.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yes it can be fixed, but both people ultimately have to realize their behaviors are unacceptable and take steps to correct them. You can set things off in a positive direction by starting with yourself, and hopefully he will see your efforts and follow suit.


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