# An Open Apology...



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I used to have a lot of disgust for those who were depressed, or who had bad anxiety issues. I felt like you need to just be stronger, to suck it up and get on with life. Now, having gone through a year of depression and anxiety myself, I know better. I now understand a lot better what my wife has gone through, and others that I know personally whom I did not support like I should. 

THis is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, and I'm sorry I never took it as serious as I should have.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's really hard to understand if you've never been through it.

I know you'll use your newfound understanding to help others who are suffering from depression. And I wish you well in recovery.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*standing ovation*

Apology accepted. Was diagnosed with severe clinical depression (2005) and PTSD (2011)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Thank you. 

Depression is terrible isn't it? I've suffered with it and ptsd most of my adult life.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

To be stuck in something you can't get out of, even if you're trying to get out of it, is truly horrible. Depression is like being stuck in a pit. People who haven't fallen in have a different vantage point and can see a way out, but the ones who are in it can't see it. What makes it even harder and more exhausting is that we know what the others think of our inability to climb out and often internalize it. 

Now that you see it yourself, why not let your wife and/or others know about your revelation? I bet it would make both you and them feel better.

It's a shame that so many people don't understand what it's like; in a way, if they choose not to understand, then they can also think of themselves as immune to it. False, but that's how people comfort themselves sometimes...Sorry that you're having to learn about it firsthand.


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## ABeautifulDisaster (May 24, 2012)

I had no idea the vast pit of darkness depression truly was. I too felt like people just needed the mindset of "Suck It Up Sunshine" and move on. My first marriage was slammed by depression. At the time I had no clue what it was and my XH had a clue but would not take anything at all that helped and self medicated himself into oblivion. 

My second marriage (oh yeah I am a two time offender) was ME being the depressed one. Me self medicating. ME. Wow I must say that to actually experience first hand what I never truly understood was both eye opening and karma at it's finest. My husband had no patience of understanding of it either. We were not even married two years. 

Don't even really know where I am going with this. I guess I can say I understand your apology. I could of written that. Instead I said it to my first husband but I am sure at this point it didn't matter but to me it did. Good luck.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD but the VA seems to believe I've got the most significant factors for it. 

When this was at its worst, last May, I remember talking to my father about it, and he made the comment "Well, just thank God you aren't dealing with something like a broken leg or actual physical pain" and I remember thinking "I would MUCH rather be dealing with the worst physical ailments that I have ever dealt with, vs this anxiety and depression" WHICH, by the way, has significant physical ailments that cause a lot of problems on their own. To his credit, my dad hasn't taken that stance at any other time, I think at that moment he just thought I was going through the typical "feeling sorry for myself" moment that we get sometimes about our lives. Not really depression but a week or two of down time when something doesn't go right, but you come back out of it with shining colors. Unfortunately mine was quite a bit more severe, feeling like I'd wasted my entire life and that I don't have enough time to make something of myself.

I keep thinking I want to get back to the way things were, but that is just not an option. I didn't treat my wife right, and I was sort of living this "life with the blinders on" to all the little problems going on, not just in my marriage but personally and professionaly. So instead I try to forgive my wife for what she did, even though she isn't exactly sorry for it , so that I can move past it and quit dwelling on the past. My life before this event... and my life after this event, that's how I look at it.

Things ARE getting better, they really are, and I try to remember that. I am still dealing with an August 15th end of my military job, but I am doing new jobs here at work and trying to diversify myself in as many areas as possible to remain viable and perhaps remain on the payroll. 

Unfortunately it is difficult to seperate stress in different areas of my life and it spills over, if my job is going well and I get upset about my marriage my job suffers, if I get stressed about the job ending, that stress rolls into my marriage. 

I continue to suck it up and drive on, and remember that all of this is going to help me in the long run, make me stronger, and more able to deal with the diversity of life. 

Oh and reading threads and responses on here really helps a lot too so thank you for that.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I have anxiety issues... And like someone stated above... No one knows what it's like unless they've been through it.

Wishing you the strength to overcome this. I know it's hard, but I am so glad you have an awareness and humility about it.

Sending you hugs!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks. I wish my ex would reach the same conclusion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

One of the more difficult things with my marriage is that I dealt with her depression/anxiety since day 1, but tried to be as understanding as I could. Now obviously without ever having gone through it myself, that was hard for me to do, and I would try to do things that I thought would... "set her up for success" when in fact it made her feel worse. BUt I would still try, I told her how much I cared, that she meant everything to me, I still tell her that now. 

While I figure NOT having gone through dep/anxiety would make it more difficult to help someone, I still tried, and it just boggles my mind that my wife doesn't do more now to help me. But, I can't force that on her, I have to live my life and do my best to regain comfort and happiness.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> it just boggles my mind that my wife doesn't do more now to help me.


Has she truly healed? Even though my depression/ptsd is managed I don't think I have the strength to help someone else in this position especially my spouse. I'm task oriented so if a specific request was made I could do that but I couldn't pull anyone else out of the pit. They have to do that on their own.

My fear would be I would get drug in with them and it's a daily battle myself to not fall in my own pit. And dealing with my own triggers is a full time job sometimes.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Has she truly healed? Even though my depression/ptsd is managed I don't think I have the strength to help someone else in this position especially my spouse. I'm task oriented so if a specific request was made I could do that but I couldn't pull anyone else out of the pit. They have to do that on their own.
> 
> My fear would be I would get drug in with them and it's a daily battle myself to not fall in my own pit. And dealing with my own triggers is a full time job sometimes.


Honestly I think this may be the biggest thing... when I was being mr "gruff and tough soldier husband" it was a lot easier to handle my wife's depression/anxiety, also because I didn't see any problems in our marriage. Now that I'm suffering, I tend to focus more on anything that happens in the marriage that seems even slightly out of order, and try to fix it, which tends to stress her out worse because she was always used to having more space. Now I WANT to fix myself and help to fix her and she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I was being mr "gruff and tough soldier husband" I tend to focus more on anything that happens in the marriage that seems even slightly out of order, and try to fix it, which tends to stress her out worse because she was always used to having more space. Now I WANT to fix myself and help to fix her and she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by it.


Changes like this are hard to adapt to for some of those who have anxiety/depression... and she may even have a bit of OCD? Have you ever noticed if she has to have things a certain way? If she seems a bit obsessive about something?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

actually I'm the more OCD person. I call myself an "unfulfilled perfectionist" haha


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So you haven't noticed if she is obsessive about anything? Having her hair a certain way? checking locks? seeming to MUST have something... such as say... at least one plant in the house at all times or... one type of figurine or something? Least i think those are part of OCD.... the checking locks might be anxiety only.... not exactly sure...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Not particularily, she is EXTREMELY detail oriented about herself, due to a very lose self esteem. She dated a very abusive guy when she was 18 years old, a user/abuser type, who wouldn't let her wear shorts, made comments about how ugly she was if she didn't wear makeup, or failed to shave her legs every day, or didn't offer up sex whenever HE wanted it. So now she spends a lot of time trying to make sure she's "presentable" before she's satisfied with herself. 

I do everything I can to tell her how beautiful she is, even without makeup, without wearing 'perfect' clothing or hair, hell I tell her how beautiful she is when she isn't earing anything at all 

But, it is hard to help her belief any of that when she's already so down on herself about her looks or self worth.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Any tics? I've come to learn a great deal about the nuances of Tourette's. Tics and OCD are kissing cousins.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

No, no tics. She's not really OCD at all either, I'd be more OCD than she is. Like I said, this is more about me trying to fix myself than her.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Ups and downs, ups and downs... so here I am feeling sunk again today. I wish sometimes emotions could be turned off like a switch so I could just do the things I need to do daily and work on the anxiety later. I'm just tired of this roller coaster... "I feel good this day, I feel crappy this day". It is certainly not easy to get to a point in my life where I actually can let go of things I cannot control and in turn use that energy effectively working on those things that I CAN control. 

At least I got the lawn mowed yesterday heh heh, put that off for like 2 weeks. 

I have got to start cooking more meals at home, spending more time with our 2 kids outside playing, working out, etc. Things are honestly getting better, very very slowly. I've let go of everything that happened leading up to last year, I am trying harder to communicate more with my wife about things, but I know she and I both are using avoidance a lot to keep from getting into any sort of argument, and that's not good. Not as bad as it used to be but still not very productive.


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