# Boredom in the long run is the natural response



## I amJack

Let me preface this by saying that I have been married for over a decade now and have come to realize that marriage is a lot of things to different people. There is one thing however that I am still trying to wrap my mind around and that is - how do people NOT get bored out of their minds when looking at their partner?

It seems only natural to feel that way. I mean... I know what my wife is going to say before she says it. What is the point of having a conversation with someone if you know all their stories and you know exactly how they?re going to react to every situation?

Its like watching the same movie over and over and over and over and over.....

Eating the same thing for dinner over and over and over and over....

Telling the same joke over and over and over and over....

I can tell you how every night of my life will go, how every date night will go, how every vacation will go, how every discussion will end. 

You ever read a book and then when you finished the last page, you flip back to the beginning and start reading it again? Probably not but my point is that is a good metaphor for marriage. 

I?m wondering what everyone?s thoughts on this were? Isn?t marriage dull? I get the whole idea of ?it?s what you make of it? but to be honest, you can only do so much to make it interesting. 

You can make ramen noodles for dinner every night but eventually you run out of different ways to cook/season/prepare it and you realize - they?re just ramen noodles.

And for people married 10,20,30 years plus- don?t you get to a point where you feel like even your best days are just you forcing yourself through?....just kind of going through the motions?


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## I amJack

Also..... I?m new to these boards and I apologize for all the ??????

I?m getting used to posting on here lol


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## Ynot

Familiarity breeds contempt. So stop doing the familiar and mix things up. Try something different - new food, new activity, new city. Make life and adventure and don't settle into a rut. Of course there is no guarantee that your W will come along for the ride, OTOH she might add some new wrinkles herself.


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## ConanHub

Well. I don't look at it like you do and how you view the world probably has a lot to do with your happiness.

Been with Mrs. C 26 years and married for 22.

Still not even close to bored.

Grumpy sometimes but never bored.

People grow and change so it definitely isn't the same and comparing people to food is always a very bad argument.

She still gets a rise out of me just by bending over, or kneeling to do a chore, or walking in front of me, etc....😁

I love planning things for us to do together and we are learning new things. We are trying to learn Spanish and taking dancing lessons.
We also love working out together, reading and exploring.

Look inside yourself. Maybe you're bored cause you're a little boring?

Everything worthwhile takes effort and work.


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## uhtred

You have to actively seek out new things to do. Don't make noodles every night - make Moroccan couscous, or pad thai.

Find new things to do in general to avoid falling into ruts. Go to very different types of places on vacation. If you normally go to the beach, go to the mountains, or explore a city.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Ynot is spot on. It's only boring if you allow it to become so. 

We are human beings. We are supposed to grow/evolve throughout our lives. 

I am not the same person I was 30 years ago. Neither is she. The journey of continual growth and mutual exploration can be anything _but _boring. 


The fact that I change and that she changes means there is always change, and sometimes it's rather complex... always worth exploring... together.
There is great joy in sharing the evolution of a couple.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Perhaps do a bit of reading in the CWI section and realize how many would give anything for the "boredom" you so easily discount. As to the food analogy, I eat a cucumber in my lunch every workday, I enjoy them and do not grow weary of the taste. In fact, I look forward to it every day. I know people who drink coffee every morning without fail and miss it when they have to skip a morning. When you truly like something boredom is not a significant issue.


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## Satya

It's like you're waiting for excitement to come flying through the window and land on your lap. It does take some effort on your part of that's what you want.

Maybe you're bored because you're boring. And it seems like you rely solely on your wife for your excitement and happiness. What you should do is find hobbies and activities that make you a happier person. Again, looking to others to entertain you will only serve to disappoint you. Self fulfillment is the most satisfying kind.


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## WilliamM

Married 43 years. Not boring.

I have made it not boring. My wife has certainly added her share of variety, although it took her a while to get going.

When was the last time you did something new with your wife, so you couldn't know what her reaction would be?

In any case, looking at a gorgeous sexy woman... I never found that boring. Watching my wife take a shower never got old for me. That's one book I enjoy reading over and over.


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## Don't Panic

Married 23 years, we enjoy tropical vacations and are currently in the Dominican with a group of friends, one couple is celebrating their 25th. Vacationing as empty-nesters is a whole new level of excitement and freedom...balcony sex isn't boring
If it gets boring, we'll find other things to do! 
I'm rarely bored, but damn my muscles ache this morning >


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## chillymorn69

Don't take your marriage for granted!

Yep finishing eachothers sentences, knowing what their going to ***** about, all vacations being the same, even sex ...fro how its initiated to where to how long to time,etc can be the same ol routine.

At anytime something could change. She could get sick,you could get sick, job loss, carr accident, sick parents, etc etc.

Your marriage Familiarity should be the granite that a good marriage foundation is built on!

You have something special if your so in tune with the love of your life that you can finish eachothers words. If your so in tune with them you know what they will say or feel


If your that in tune with them then surley you can figure out a way that you could add some variety to your marriage. You might answer that you know her so well that you know she won't like this or that or any change for that matter.

I used to think this way so I would never or stopped trying different things that i though would get a poor reaction from her.


Things like getting different pizza because she would say oh you got different pizza this time I really like the usual pizza.

But I learned that with a little finesse she actuly likes variety she just did't know it. Lol

Now if i try to switch something up and she acts annoyed i just gently push alittle with a oh come on trying something different every once in a while won't kill you.

Now she actualy likes my suprise change it up and its fun to say yea this time the new pizza shop was terrible lets not get that again.

Or the new sex toy kinda sucked throw it in the trash. Lol

Use your knowledge of how well you THINK you know her to switch thgs up.

If something awful should happen the things you will miss might be the things that your complaining about as being boring.

Embrace them and tell your wife how much you love them.

Thats my advice!


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## anchorwatch

I amJack said:


> And for people married 10,20,30 years plus- don?t you get to a point where you feel like even your best days are just you forcing yourself through?....just kind of going through the motions?


Nope.

Together since '73. It's still a blast. 


It's not the marriage, it's you...

Get out and do something about it.


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## Texican

Soon be 36 years of marriage.

Op's still honeymooning.....

Life's a Dance and You Learn As You Go

I do not have the words and skill to express how much I love my wife....

The everyday living will get in the way.....if you let it....I will say the babies and kids raising years were .... what they were supposed to be

And being poor.....then gradually getting ahead.....

I can still recall the first time I saw my future wife. What she was wearing, the way she was sitting in the chair, her body posture, and when when I looked into her eye's as I walked into the room....the hooks was set deep.....she was barely 17...

I feel sorry for people who don't get to experience the journey of life with someone that you love more each day....

But I do realize that I have been blessed with a woman who loves me.......and I know that some relationships don't make it....I would never be so presumptuous as to begin to say why my wife and I are more in love today after near to 40 years......vs others who have not make it .....

gamboolman....


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## MrsHolland

Like I said to my kids when they were very young.. "only boring people get bored."


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## Anastasia6

Just about 24 years with mr. And not bored. But when I start getting bored or itchy I make plans. Plan an adventurous vacation or buy a new sex toy or start a new hobby or read a book.
As I'm firmly in middle age years I worry I won't have enough good years left with him because even 100 would not be enough.


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## sandcastle

I amJack said:


> Let me preface this by saying that I have been married for over a decade
> 
> You can make ramen noodles for dinner every night but eventually you run out of different ways to cook/season/prepare it and you realize - they?re just ramen noodles.


yes- Penis Du Jour has gotten boring.

Watch your assets.


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## Married but Happy

Sexual boredom is pretty common in marriage, unless both make an effort to keep things interesting. Boredom with a person is a bigger problem, and can simply be due to marrying the wrong person - someone who does less to develop themselves, does not have diverse and changing interests, or perhaps lacks imagination or intelligence, etc.


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## 2ntnuf

I amJack said:


> Let me preface this by saying that I have been married for over a decade now and have come to realize that marriage is a lot of things to different people. There is one thing however that I am still trying to wrap my mind around and that is -* how do people NOT get bored out of their minds when looking at their partner?
> 
> *It seems only natural to feel that way. I mean... I know what my wife is going to say before she says it. What is the point of having a conversation with someone if you know all their stories and you know exactly how they?re going to react to every situation?
> 
> Its like watching the same movie over and over and over and over and over.....
> 
> Eating the same thing for dinner over and over and over and over....
> 
> Telling the same joke over and over and over and over....
> 
> I can tell you how every night of my life will go, how every date night will go, how every vacation will go, how every discussion will end.
> 
> You ever read a book and then when you finished the last page, you flip back to the beginning and start reading it again? Probably not but my point is that is a good metaphor for marriage.
> 
> I?m wondering what everyone?s thoughts on this were? Isn?t marriage dull? I get the whole idea of ?it?s what you make of it? but to be honest, you can only do so much to make it interesting.
> 
> You can make ramen noodles for dinner every night but eventually you run out of different ways to cook/season/prepare it and you realize - they?re just ramen noodles.
> 
> And for people married 10,20,30 years plus- don?t you get to a point where you feel like even your best days are just you forcing yourself through?....just kind of going through the motions?



By reinventing yourselves over time, sitting back and enjoying how that happens and the processes involved. 

By being in love with more than each other's bodies and the things you do to make your five senses come alive.

By being open to each other's live changes and allowing yourself to feel how great it is to be with that person and share in the changes of life. 

By having some core beliefs that you just can't fall out of love with, even if you can fall out of love in other areas of each other. 

Food for thought....I don't have the answers. Maybe you can glean something halpful from this post.


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## I amJack

Well I have read all these responses, thanks for the input btw, and noticed a few things...

Is it just me or have only men replied? I didn?t really care who responded but some input from women would have been nice. Am I to understand that men are happier in their marriage than women are? Lol

On a more serious note... I came to the realization that all the descriptions of happy marriages that I read about on here did not apply to me. What I mean by that is that none of what anyone said in response to my original post sounds like my marriage even a little bit. 

So naturally I brought this up to my wife and I will spare you the boring details and say longgggggg story short - we are going to marriage counseling. 

We both agreed that talking to someone would be good for us but we are really talking to each other right now as the discussion we had made us both uncomfortable with each other and so I have moved into the basement for the time being. And we plan on getting into a marriage counselor sometime this week.


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## introvert

My gf and I switch things up in bed all the time to keep stuff interesting. Also, we hit different museums and scour the papers for new activities to engage in.


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## Red Sonja

I amJack said:


> Is it just me or have only men replied? I didn?t really care who responded but some input from women would have been nice. Am I to understand that men are happier in their marriage than women are?


You have received several female responses thus far.


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## 2ntnuf

I amJack said:


> Well I have read all these responses, thanks for the input btw, and noticed a few things...
> 
> Is it just me or have only men replied? I didn?t really care who responded but some input from women would have been nice. Am I to understand that men are happier in their marriage than women are? Lol
> 
> On a more serious note... I came to the realization that all the descriptions of happy marriages that I read about on here did not apply to me. What I mean by that is that none of what anyone said in response to my original post sounds like my marriage even a little bit.
> 
> So naturally I brought this up to my wife and I will spare you the boring details and say longgggggg story short - we are going to marriage counseling.
> 
> We both agreed that talking to someone would be good for us but we are really talking to each other right now as the discussion we had made us both uncomfortable with each other and so I have moved into the basement for the time being. And we plan on getting into a marriage counselor sometime this week.




If you've never been to a counselor before, read up on choosing one. Also, don't feel bad, if you have to change counselors a few times. You would be okay, I imagine, with finding a pcp who fits you.

Today, I believe women have more options than men and more support. I believe that has something to do with them not posting. Either that, or they don't agree with anyone who posted. haha Oh well, we tried.


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## Anastasia6

My response was a female perspective. Since you can't tell the difference based on response that would kinda mean it isn't a male female thing. That people happy in their relationship for many years have similar experiences.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I understand what you're talking about. I think that I experienced the same thing several years ago and it lasted for a while. Looking back on it now, I think it was depression not truly boredom. Have you ever thought that maybe you're depressed? 

On another note, it's important to have something to look forward to. Do you plan vacations or just an outing on the weekend? Even just planning on going out to a movie or dinner is something to look forward to. I love to plan on trying a new restaurant. How about saving money for a large purchase? It's something exciting to look forward to. Are you eating the same meals every week? Go through some recipes together & try something new! Maybe make it a "rule" that you have to pick something out that you've never eaten before. 

You do have to make the effort (& so does she) to do things though.


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## Slartibartfast

I think people who are bored in marriage would be bored anyway. Marriage isn't inherently boring, and familiarity does not breed contempt unless you finally become familiar enough to find someone contemptible. We're nearly 70. We're sure not bored. I've never been bored a day in my life, at work or at home. I've done a lot of dumb things, but none of them were boring. I've remade my life so many times, I sometimes doubt I was ever those people. My wife is certainly not boring. She'll take on anything. She built our house. Herself. She buys and sells in her own business. Hell, we're different enough that we get crossways too often to ever be bored. I can't be bored looking at her. I can't begin to tell what notion she'll come up with next. Sex, if not so frequent, is better than ever and promises to keep getting better, if that's possible. 

You see, I really believe you create your own reality. I've done it. But I'll tell you the part that holds the key for you. If my wife were a drudge. If she were entirely predictable. If she were, in short, boring. I wouldn't be bored. So, if you're bored, who's responsible for that? If you're not happy single, you won't be happy married. If you're bored single, you'll be bored married. Those truths can get you real focused, because you then know exactly what you need to figure out. And it doesn't depend on anyone else doing anything. 

And I've watched plenty of movies a dozen times. And I've read many, many books multiple times, including rereading them as soon as I finished, because I know I always miss something. Just like my far from boring wife. There's always something else to learn. So, yeah. I guess a good book with endless things to discover in it is a good metaphor for marriage. Maybe you're just reading the wrong book.


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## Personal

Slartibartfast said:


> And I've read many, many books multiple times, including rereading them as soon as I finished, because I know I always miss something.





> It was on display at the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying beware of the leopard.


I've read that book multiple times as well.


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## SimplyAmorous

A woman here.... I have been with the same man since I was 15 yrs old.... he's only been with me... we should be bored out of our minds, right... it's always been the "same old"....

I view this a different way... and for that I feel I am very out of touch with much of our youth today and what I see in society-- with so many looking upon marriage the dumbest thing they could ever do, many opting for a string of casual relationships...

I've always been a romantic.. something about lasting love....being with the same person for a lifetime.. being there for each other through the thick & thin...Life throws many curve balls... so many people desert us... friends come & go...breakups are deeply painful, some struggle to ever trust again, give up on love....

What is the alternative... having a # of relationships that come to an end...sure there is EXCITING fireworks starting any new relationship, even some from hell start out like that... it's a mystery to be unraveled, to see how you fit/ what you have in common, it's exhilarating...experiencing new things with a new lover....but like anything else.. the fireworks will slowly die down.....Relationship Experts say if you still "feel the love, want to be with that person after 18 months, you have beat the odds" as many start getting bored or want something new around this time frame, it was all just "infatuation" ...

My value has always been more on the Lasting Love side, this has made me feel cherished , and deeply loved ... over chasing something new... or feeling like what I have found could be replaced so easily.... 

I feel like he is and has always been my best friend... someone to count on, to lean on, no matter what... this is deeply valuable to me.. and I want to give this back as well.. 

I don't know that we do all that much EXCITING personally... but always...we share about our day, what happens at work, the funny, the crazy, the maddening... sometimes there is great laughter in what has happened, our kids keep things happening too.... they get us out of the house with their activities.. I have always tried to plan a # of little vacations with the family...but also take time for just the 2 of us alone.... new places, new experiences... I look forward to those... Enjoy reading reviews on Trip Advisor  to find new places to visit....

Many times we find ourselves reminiscing the past, things we have done together or when the kids were young... this is heart warming to me.. even if a little bittersweet and sometimes you just want to go back there and live it all over again..

It's songs like this.. that speak how I feel - with being with the same person.. there is great passion there... so it's not boring...


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## ConanHub

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Perhaps do a bit of reading in the CWI section and realize how many would give anything for the "boredom" you so easily discount. As to the food analogy, I eat a cucumber in my lunch every workday, I enjoy them and do not grow weary of the taste. In fact, I look forward to it every day. I know people who drink coffee every morning without fail and miss it when they have to skip a morning. When you truly like something boredom is not a significant issue.


This is the best food analogy I have seen. You changed my mind about food analogies.


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## chillymorn69

I amJack said:


> Well I have read all these responses, thanks for the input btw, and noticed a few things...
> 
> Is it just me or have only men replied? I didn?t really care who responded but some input from women would have been nice. Am I to understand that men are happier in their marriage than women are? Lol
> 
> On a more serious note... I came to the realization that all the descriptions of happy marriages that I read about on here did not apply to me. What I mean by that is that none of what anyone said in response to my original post sounds like my marriage even a little bit.
> 
> So naturally I brought this up to my wife and I will spare you the boring details and say longgggggg story short - we are going to marriage counseling.
> I
> We both agreed that talking to someone would be good for us but we are really talking to each other right now as the discussion we had made us both uncomfortable with each other and so I have moved into the basement for the time being. And we plan on getting into a marriage counselor sometime this week.


Theres a difference to being bored with your wife as to realizing that you never really loved eachother.

Moving into the basement because you tried to talk to your wife about your marriage seems extreme. 

What the heck did you say?

Was it your idea or hers?

I wonder if she was't feeling so bored andvwhen you started this talk she just agreed to save face.


So tell tell do you love her or not. If so don't stay in the basement . But if you really don't think you love her then ....well the basement is the first step out the door and it seems to me that migyt be what your after.


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## I amJack

Meeting the marriage counselor tomorrow and to be honest I really do have an open mind about it and the part of me that has a really sick sense of humor is excited because I think it?s going to go pretty badly since my wife HATES therapists lol

If it weren?t for the kids I would probably be out the door. I?m beginning to realize that I?m not a marriage person...especially after reading all of these responses. 

I?m so far from being anything like most these happily married people it?s not even funny. Well maybe it is funny... like I said, I have a dark sense of humor. 

A few things...one quote stood out to me. And that is ...making your own reality.

I?m not on board with that. Too many people live in the own subjective reality and they?re too hard to communicate with because they?re in their own little world. Their heads are in the clouds. 

Another thing....there are no books with endless things to discover. Nothing is infinite or endless. I have read a lot of books and read many books and to be honest, I have never experienced this. A great example is there have on multiple occasions been movies I would watch with my wife or a friend and upon multiple viewings, the person I am watching it with will notice something that they didn?t notice the first 5 or 6 times they watched it. Without fail...when they tell me about what they noticed they seem to think I hadn?t noticed it either but truth be told I noticed whatever this is the first time we watched it.
I play along though because I don?t want to be rude or socially impolite.

Being honest about myself... people would describe me as blunt, stubborn, arrogant and unintentionally condescending. I?m honest to a fault. This has been an issue in my career as I tend to pick up on things quicker than others and have little patience for those who possess lower aptitude. It hasn?t hurt my career so much as I do tend to get promoted quickly but I struggle socially. 

I got a little off topic I apologize but the point I?m trying to make is that I get bored easily in life. My view of most things is along the lines of....ok now what? What else is there?


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## heartsbeating

What else is there ...Do you challenge yourself, are you curious in, and of, the world around you (as well as your relationships and family)?


In the words of Dorothy Parker 'The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.'


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## chillymorn69

I amJack said:


> Meeting the marriage counselor tomorrow and to be honest I really do have an open mind about it and the part of me that has a really sick sense of humor is excited because I think it?s going to go pretty badly since my wife HATES therapists lol
> 
> If it weren?t for the kids I would probably be out the door. I?m beginning to realize that I?m not a marriage person...especially after reading all of these responses.
> 
> I?m so far from being anything like most these happily married people it?s not even funny. Well maybe it is funny... like I said, I have a dark sense of humor.
> 
> A few things...one quote stood out to me. And that is ...making your own reality.
> 
> I?m not on board with that. Too many people live in the own subjective reality and they?re too hard to communicate with because they?re in their own little world. Their heads are in the clouds.
> 
> Another thing....there are no books with endless things to discover. Nothing is infinite or endless. I have read a lot of books and read many books and to be honest, I have never experienced this. A great example is there have on multiple occasions been movies I would watch with my wife or a friend and upon multiple viewings, the person I am watching it with will notice something that they didn?t notice the first 5 or 6 times they watched it. Without fail...when they tell me about what they noticed they seem to think I hadn?t noticed it either but truth be told I noticed whatever this is the first time we watched it.
> I play along though because I don?t want to be rude or socially impolite.
> 
> Being honest about myself... people would describe me as blunt, stubborn, arrogant and unintentionally condescending. I?m honest to a fault. This has been an issue in my career as I tend to pick up on things quicker than others and have little patience for those who possess lower aptitude. It hasn?t hurt my career so much as I do tend to get promoted quickly but I struggle socially.
> 
> I got a little off topic I apologize but the point I?m trying to make is that I get bored easily in life. My view of most things is along the lines of....ok now what? What else is there?


Are you bored raising your children?


Part of that should be showing them how to be a good husband and father by always trying to do better.

Eaiser said than done but wouldn't be boring!


Good luck with counseling


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## Rowan

In your other thread, you finally - 3-4 pages in - stated that both of your children are low-functioning special needs kids who will most likely never achieve independence. You're very prone to burying the lead, it seems. 

A few things:

1. Your wife may not be bored because she doesn't have time to be. And she may resent you saying you're bored because it indicates that you are apparently _not_ too busy to be bored. Two special needs children are a whole lot to handle. I've parented one critically ill child (so, special medical/health needs). I never had time to be bored because there was ALWAYS something that needed to be done. Every single day was an exercise in exhaustion. I cannot even imagine the toll dealing with two low-functioning kids would take on the parents. That you seem to have time to ponder your level of boredom leaves me wondering if you're sharing as much of the load for your childrens' care as you could be. 

2. You said upthread that you've come to realize you might just not be cut out to be married. Have you decided which of your children you will take on as their full-time parent? Or were you going to go for full custody of both? I'm guessing, however, that you might be imagining a life where it's not just this "boring" marriage you get to leave behind. 

3. Do your children, by chance, exhibit a more severe form of the ASD/Aspbergers that you seem to exhibit symptoms of? I ask because some of the traits you self-report can indicate that a person is on the Autism spectrum. At the very least, you lack patience for things that do not captivate your interest and seem grossly lacking in empathy. Those are you own personal issues, and will most likely not be helped by MC. If you haven't, seeing a good neuropsychologist might be a great place to start. At the very least, a good IC for you wouldn't be amiss.

You and your wife need to be seeing someone with experience helping parents navigate marriage while raising special needs children. Parents of special needs kids have an appallingly high divorce rate.


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## Slartibartfast

You know, I don't watch Big Bang Theory because so many of the characters were just a**holes. It's real easy for Autism spectrum folks to be a**holes. No effort at all. They just do what comes naturally. And they revel in the martyrdom or always being the smarted MF in the room. But the things that make the Autism stuff valuable (and it is) bring with them, an obligation to not be an a**hole. It's not easy. I know. I'm in the club. Been the a**hole, too. Still tend to be. But it matters a great deal to the one I love that I not do that. So I work real hard at it. If you aren't moved to do that in this relationship, change the relationship to one where no one depends on you, because in that relationship, being the smartest MF in the room just isn't of any use to anyone in it. But know that there's a price for being an a**hole. And a price for not being an a**hole. Pick one. Nothing's free. 

And you are so far off base about creating your own reality that a snail could tag you out. I won't even try to explain. Figure it out for yourself. You're the smartest MF in the room, remember?


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## Spicy

If this is your feeling about most things in life, why did you opt to marry and have kids?


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## DoneIn

Thanks to all of you for framing what a good relationship can look like. Now, what I really want to do, is find one...


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## Slartibartfast

..


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## alte Dame

I amJack said:


> And for people married 10,20,30 years plus- don?t you get to a point where you feel like even your best days are just you forcing yourself through?....just kind of going through the motions?


Absolutely not! I have been married for close to 35 years and have never been bored. I've been many things - overworked, exhausted, hurt, thrilled - but never bored. My H is brilliant and his intellect is always appreciated. Our conversations can get routine, but we are interested in talking about the world, so we do that all the time - with one another.

Maybe your attitude toward your W makes you uninteresting to her (?). Maybe you don't have anything interesting to say (?). If my H felt this way about me, I would sense it and not be particularly interested in having a relationship with him.


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## Trieste

In some ways it is a bit boring. 
Sometimes I think that the fact that our sex life is still so good that it is the best part of marriage. But that is my fault because I am not making any effort.


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