# Husband has decided he is atheist



## jnswd

My husband and I have been married for 26 years and together over 30. He just announced matter of factly today that he doesn't believe in God and is atheist. When we had little kids we went to church every weekend. He used to talk about God and his beliefs. As our kids got older we had soccer games and things on Sundays that took us away from church, but we went a few times a year an I always thought he was at least still spiritual. Our kids are growing up and moving out and we have more time. I thought it would be nice to get involved in a small group or something at church and now he has sprung this on me. He said that it happened as my brother passed away a few years ago from cancer and he decided that religion made no sense as a God would never do the hurtful things that are done in this world. I feel blindsided and betrayed that he didn't process this big decision in his life with me. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not a super religious person, but I do believe in God and pray for our family and our world. I'm super sad that my husband doesn't pray for us or our children. I feel super betrayed like I don't even know who he is. Not sure what to do from here.


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## Mr. Nail

I stopped going to church, not because I don't believe, but because my heart is not right with god. I've seen it a lot. People who go along fine until a situation in their life makes them act in a way they never expected. I suppose that eventually either my actions will align with my faith, or my understanding of my faith will align with my situation. 
I believe that God wants me to forgive my wife. I have the seeds of divorce in my heart. Divorce is allowed in my christian denomination. In fact it is common. I have trouble reconciling that with the new testament. As I said, I think an alignment will come. eventually.


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## Diana7

That must be hard but dont let it stop you getting more involved with the church yourself and joining a small group. I have friends with non Christian husbands and its not easy, but it doesn't stop them from living out their faith and being involed with their Christian friends and groups. 
Personally I dont get the 'why does God do this', or 'why does God allow that'. The Bible is pretty clear that the time we are in now is one where the good and the bad are together and that there will be suffering. I have been through such a lot in my life, but it doeant change the fact that God is my Father and He is real. 
I wouldnt say much to him, but pray for him and get on with growing closer to God yourself.


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## sunsetmist

So he is mad at the way God runs His world and therefore has decided that he'll just erase God. Has he discussed this with anyone? 

Surely, Satan is jumping up and down and clapping.

How painful this must be for you as a Christian! So many of life's decisions depend on your faith--not to mention thoughts of heaven, etc. He did not include you in his thoughts because he knew how you would feel. I'd carry on in my faith and be a good example of what Christianity is all about.


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## Girl_power

Yes I have been through this. 

I just want to say that my situation was a little different than yours because I am very spiritual/religious. 

Anyway. I don’t think it’s fair to say your not very religious, but your upset that your husband isn’t religious at all. 

There are people who truly believe in their heart, and then there are people who use church like a wholesome activity to do. No offense but it sounds like you guys did it for a wholesome activity. 

I don’t really have any advice to give you because you don’t really sound Christian to me. If you are, then be Christian. That’s all you can do. You should be happy that your husband is as honest with you and hasn’t decided just to be fake and go along with the motions. He is coming to you from a place of honesty. And I think that’s a beautiful thing. But if your Christian be Christian. Do all the Christian things. And be the light that will shine on him and maybe you will be an example for your husband and kids. 

Preach often, and when necessary use words.


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## DownByTheRiver

jnswd said:


> My husband and I have been married for 26 years and together over 30. He just announced matter of factly today that he doesn't believe in God and is atheist. When we had little kids we went to church every weekend. He used to talk about God and his beliefs. As our kids got older we had soccer games and things on Sundays that took us away from church, but we went a few times a year an I always thought he was at least still spiritual. Our kids are growing up and moving out and we have more time. I thought it would be nice to get involved in a small group or something at church and now he has sprung this on me. He said that it happened as my brother passed away a few years ago from cancer and he decided that religion made no sense as a God would never do the hurtful things that are done in this world. I feel blindsided and betrayed that he didn't process this big decision in his life with me. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not a super religious person, but I do believe in God and pray for our family and our world. I'm super sad that my husband doesn't pray for us or our children. I feel super betrayed like I don't even know who he is. Not sure what to do from here.


Religious beliefs are unique to each person and you shouldn't be upset that it wasn't a joint decision. It's how he feels now and it may not be permanent or he make come to take up some other different religious beliefs. There's nothing you should try to do about it. It's his own personal journey. Your kids will make up their own minds when they're older and they already have exposure to religion but they too will go their own way. Change of beliefs is just basic life change and it's usually healthy to explore other avenues of thinking.


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## cp3o

I'm assuming that by "atheist" you mean someone who is unable to believe in god(s).

Why are you sad about this? 

Do you expect him to think the same way as you about other matters - veganism/sports teams/movie genres/politics/vacation places/hairstyles etc. etc.?

Do you think that if he had discussed it with you he would not have come to the same conclusion? 

I suppose I'm asking if your concern is about his "soul" or about the balance of power within your relationship. 

I see no concern for him in what you write. What difference does it make to you if he prays for you and your children? Do you think that a decent, moral, loving god would change the way it acts towards you because of a presence or an absence of one person's entreaties - particularly a god who would know if the entreaties were "from the heart" rather than a ritual to appease you?

Many people who are brought up in a religious environment - be it Christian, Muslim, Sikh, Scientology etc. etc. etc. come to the realisation that things they were told were true conflict with the reality they see around them. Many such realisations are due to what is called "The problem of evil". 

Consider - we are taught that there is an all-powerful, all-knowing (including the future), perfectly good (repulsed by evil), embodiment of love, originator of morality god who created the universe as a perfect place for perfect people to be his companions. And then it got messed up by early humans - and this wonderful god, who knew in advance what was going to happen but still went through with it, blamed not just the people who screwed up (even though they didn't know they were screwing up until after they'd screwed up), but every succeeding generation through to us. 

What does one make of a perfect being that has the power to intervene - to stop the evil and save the innocent from pain and despair - and doesn't do it?

Some will simply shrug their shoulders and say that it's all part of a mysterious but perfectly good plan, some will spend their lifetime picking out the bits of what they were taught that they like and refusing to accept the bits that are "difficult". 

Some will rewrite the inconvenient bits, ignoring that which is clearly wrong and deciding that they have the wisdom/erudition/intuition to know which bits are meant as written and which are allegorical. They may even change their religious allegiance within a particular strain - or even jump from one variety to another seeking those who will support their interpretation.

Some will become strident and militant hoping that by shouting they will make everyone else agree with them - thus eradicating criticism and quietening their doubts; others will downgrade their belief to a cultural expression in the hope that they will be accepted as an equal/member by a particular group. 

Some will simply decide that the hypothesis and reality are incompatible. There is no evidence for, no rational line of thought that leads to and no unanswered question for which the answer can only be - god. Doesn't mean that there isn't one - the absence of evidence is not evidence for absence - but it does mean that, however certain a person may be, their belief is just that. An opinion, a hope, a profound but rationally unsupported conviction. 

Incidentally, there is nothing new about "The problem of evil". Epicurus died in 270 BCE and the problem was well understood then.
_The best known presentation is attributed to the Greek philosopher Epicurus by David Hume, who was responsible for popularizing it. Hume summarizes Epicurus's version of the problem as follows: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then from whence comes evil?" _Wikipedia.

Your husband is where he is - there is a rational route to his position. He may be right, or he may be wrong but he is true to himself. Presumably you don't want him to overthrow a morally sound position for an hypocritical pretence.

AIUI you have three ways forward.

1 - accept that he has his own opinions that are valid and that there is no absolute way to know whether he is right or not. That he hasn't done this to spite you or to criticise you - it is something that happened to him rather than by him. You fell in love with him involuntarily rather than as a deliberate, cold-hearted decision to do so? - If so you understand what has happened to him. 

2 - determine that his views need to be aligned with yours - even though your views are, at least, equally incapable of proof. I wonder what effect that would have on your marriage. 

3 - sit down and discuss, in real detail, what he feels and why - but in an enquiring, rather than a critical, frame of mind. But beware - to do so you must open yourself to the possibility that his logic and his conclusions become yours.

I wish both of you well.


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## sunsetmist

'Tis quite grievous when a family member chooses to turn their back on the God one believes in. They were married thinking they had the same values in certain areas and certainly belief in God is an important one. A chasm grows when foundational issues are not discussed within the marriage. This brings sadness to both. 

We do not know the painful journey husband traversed to arrive at this point. There are many things I do not understand, but would feel a void in my being if I were OP. Prayer to God is a big part of my life. I do not care to study great philosophical questions, but from a simpler viewpoint, I love my God and know I cannot understand him or his ways. He does not intend that on earth. My faith is a cornerstone of my life. I'd rather be on this side if I'm making a mistake than the other.

IMO: Christianity often fumbles, fights, and fails. So much is expected; so much is overlooked; so much is misunderstood. I have a personal pain with this regard and do not believe I will have answers on earth. We must be very careful what we fill those holes in our soul with. What are soulmates anyway? Just my musings @*jnswd. *


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## GC1234

Hey. Truthfully, I used to go to church all the time, until COVID, and then once my 2nd kid was born, I can't go back now...but I'm not super religious and far from perfect lol. I just like[d] to go. I used to want my husband to go too, but he never wanted to go, and I never forced the issue. It's his choice of course. If I were you, I wouldn't hold it against your husband, it's his choice. As long as he doesn't try to make you guys atheist and respects your beliefs, you should be fine.


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## PieceOfSky

jnswd said:


> My husband and I have been married for 26 years and together over 30. He just announced matter of factly today that he doesn't believe in God and is atheist. When we had little kids we went to church every weekend. He used to talk about God and his beliefs. As our kids got older we had soccer games and things on Sundays that took us away from church, but we went a few times a year an I always thought he was at least still spiritual. Our kids are growing up and moving out and we have more time. I thought it would be nice to get involved in a small group or something at church and now he has sprung this on me. He said that it happened as my brother passed away a few years ago from cancer and he decided that religion made no sense as a God would never do the hurtful things that are done in this world. I feel blindsided and betrayed that he didn't process this big decision in his life with me. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not a super religious person, but I do believe in God and pray for our family and our world. I'm super sad that my husband doesn't pray for us or our children. I feel super betrayed like I don't even know who he is. Not sure what to do from here.


I can understand this is difficult for you, and hard to understand.

If the process for your husband was anything like mine (in my early 20’s, a few decades ago), then it wasn’t something he “chose”, and it would have been very difficult to share it with you if he knew your faith is important to you. I felt I had to hide it from family and friends who grew up with me, for years. Oddly enough, for a long time I felt shame about my non-belief, despite being as certain about it as anyone can be. Took a long time to be truly comfortable with who I had become ( but fortunately I did).

There’s a really good documentary that follows some people who lose their faith, and shows how their families process it. I’ll try to find it for you. I think it was on Netflix several years ago.

The news probably causes you to question and doubt what it is you thought you knew about him. My guess is you’ll find he has changed less than you might be worried about upon first hearing of this; he likely is who he has always been and you thought he was, other than this obviously distinct and important change to his belief or not in God. What I’m trying to say is most things he values doesn’t necessarily change, just because he no longer believes in a god or God.


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## Openminded

This is your husband’s journey and apparently he chose to make that part of it alone although, ideally, he might have mentioned it before. Maybe he was working through it and didn’t want you to try to influence him. Who knows. We all have to make the choice as to what we believe or don’t and sometimes it’s later that we come to it. His choice may change again; however, it may not. I realize you feel blindsided and that’s understandable but we never know anyone nearly as well as we think. Hopefully, you’ll continue with your new plans for involvement and enjoy that.


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## ciuleandra

I am an atheist already for more than 10 years. I hate religion so much I just dont know... to many problems in this world because of religion. I am lucky that my husband is not so focused on religion, but I am afraid that our families will insist on all the stupid traditions related to marriage and kids


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## Nailhead

One's walk or no walk with the Lord is personal in nature. I'm not sure why you feel betrayed that your H did not talk you about it. A Shepard will find their sheep when lost.


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## Trident

Smart guy your husband. It's unfortunate that he didn't feel comfortable sharing it with you.


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## NextTimeAround

This is why, when I was husband shopping, that i wanted someone who had no regular practice of religion. With both husbands (at different times, of course) we were perfectly happy to attend church service for someone's milestone celebration. But to go on our own accord, um, no.

I believe that if i had married someone who was religious, they would become angry that i don't join him for church services EVEN if that's how our courtship went. I'm used to guys switching gears on me. One minute, "Oh honey that's ok." to some expectation that I knew he regularly went to church. I also think that this would lead to adultery as people are often looking for an excuse to stray. 

I have nothing against people who non judgementally practice their religion.


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