# Sex counseling



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Some of the other threads got me thinking....I wonder how many couples really go to a *sex counselor* and not just a marriage counselor?

I would think very few as each (male and female) partner would seem to come up with reasons against it.

How many have really gone or how many would object? I know my wife would never go as she wouldn't want another person (male or female) hearing about our sex life. My thoughts are many people would be like her and if they are not, they likely wouldn't need sex counseling in the first place as if they are that open to talking to a counselor about it, they probably don't have any issues with sex in the first place.

Thoughts?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Some of the other threads got me thinking....I wonder how many couples really go to a *sex counselor* and not just a marriage counselor?
> 
> I would think very few as each (male and female) partner would seem to come up with reasons against it.
> 
> ...


After my friend's lockdown issues with her husband and myself becoming a shoulder to cry on for her and a sounding board, I found a book called Sexual healing which talks about how Sex therapists and sex surrogates actually work, from a woman who was one of these for ten years, I send the book to my friend and this week she made an appointment with the doctor to find out if she has some curable issues. 

The book put me off recommending sex therapy to anyone. It is probably the sort of thing one would do after a divorce when trying to work out how to improve before going into the next relationship.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

🙋🏻‍♂️ 

My wife and I have various IC's, a MC, and we've seen a sex therapist off and on. Right now we have other more important issues to deal with and there is only so much time to do it, so that's why we we're not currently seeing one.

The bulk of our sex problems are on my wife's side but she was the one who initiated sex therapy (for years until I agreed to do it and put in an effort).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> *I wonder how many couples really go to a sex counselor and not just a marriage counselor?*
> 
> .....How many have really gone or how many would object? I know my wife would never go as *she wouldn't want another person (male or female) hearing about our sex life*. My thoughts are many people would be like her and if they are not, they likely wouldn't need sex counseling in the first place as if they are that open to talking to a counselor about it, they probably don't have any issues with sex in the first place.
> 
> *Thoughts?*


First to become a board certified sex therapist you first have to become a licensed marriage counselor with lots of experience.

Second, my wife and I have been to two marriage counselors and one nationally known sex therapist for help with our marriage. We talked about sexual issues with all of them as that has been one of our biggest marriage problems. The only one that really helped seriously address our sexual problems was the sex therapist, who saved our marriage. 

So many people on this forum claim that their marriage is just fine except for the sex. Well, that probably is not the real situation. There are problems in both the marriage and the sex. If you feel that the marriage is fine except for the sex, then a Sex Therapist can help you with both the sexual problems and the marriage problems. If you have problems with your marriage, but you think that the sex is mostly fine, then a marriage counselor is the way to go. If you are seeking help, you need to admit that you have a problem and need help. If you are honest, you will be able to identify where the most significant problems are.

Sex therapy is not about learning how to have sex as much as it is to address why sex in a relationship is important to the relationship and then adjusting attitudes and practices so that both can have as meaningful a relationship as possible. It is also about forcing a conversation and realization that "sex and sexuality" is not just PIV missionary position intercourse. It should include discussing personal boundaries as to what you will and will not do. Meeting with a good sex therapist is meeting with a good marriage counselor who has extra training in sexual problems and issues. While it may involve some instructional materials, it rarely involves a sex surrogate and then usually only for people without sex partners. Mostly it involves learning about your partner's view on sex and sexuality, explaining your emotional and physical needs or limits, and exploring the kind of relationship you both want. 

Or at least that is my view from having to been with my wife to both.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would go to a MC if we had serious issues, but not a sex therapist. We havent been to either.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I would go to a MC if we had serious issues, but not a sex therapist. We havent been to either.


I am curious as to why not.

I'm not married ATM but when I was, it was my spouse that refused counseling. I, on the other hand, would not look down on any qualified professional if I wanted to save my marriage.

A parallel: I have skin conditions that bother me. I went to my primary doctor who sent me to a dermatologist. The feedback was there are things which may improve the symptoms but not the cause. It's the best she can do.

But, knowing there might be some root cause (both are autoimmune conditions that started close to each other) I'm going to have my doctor work on that angle. I'm pursuing all opportunities to fix something bothersome. 

It's the same thing here, at least to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DTO said:


> I am curious as to why not.
> 
> I'm not married ATM but when I was, it was my spouse that refused counseling. I, on the other hand, would not look down on any qualified professional if I wanted to save my marriage.
> 
> ...


I see it as something that is personal between the two of us and not to be shared with another. It may also be a bit difficult for the spouse who has to deal with an opposite sex counsellor when talking about something that is personal. I would be quite happy for a normal marriage counsellor to ask general questions about sex, but not to go someone whose only interest is the sexual side. I would prefer to read books and maybe watch teaching on the subject together and work on things that way.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I see it as something that is personal between the two of us and not to be shared with another. It may also be a bit difficult for the spouse who has to deal with an opposite sex counsellor when talking about something that is personal. I would be quite happy for a normal marriage counsellor to ask general questions about sex, but not to go someone whose only interest is the sexual side. I would prefer to read books and maybe watch teaching on the subject together and work on things that way.


Fair enough. But what happens in an impasse? What if a general therapist cannot help with a hangup, bad childhood teachings, etc?

I see it as a good relationship being worth the discomfort in dealing with a therapist who may be the opposite gender but is a pro experienced in those issues.

I'll add that resolving issues often involves growth, and that involves discomfort. Avoiding discomfort is bad for development.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Thoughts?


I wouldn't go to a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist, for help with any marital problems at all.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I see it as something that is personal between the two of us and not to be shared with another. It may also be a bit difficult for the spouse who has to deal with an opposite sex counsellor when talking about something that is personal. I would be quite happy for a normal marriage counsellor to ask general questions about sex, but not to go someone whose only interest is the sexual side. I would prefer to read books and maybe watch teaching on the subject together and work on things that way.


I think my wife would agree with you Diana. She would not be open to sharing details of our sex life with strangers no matter the gender of the therapist.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> I wouldn't go to a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist, for help with any marital problems at all.


I think I might agree with you Personal. By the time a marriage gets to that point, it seems like it would be too far gone...at least to me. My ex didn't want to try counseling so we never went...just got divorced.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Some of the other threads got me thinking....I wonder how many couples really go to a *sex counselor* and not just a *marriage counselor*?


In place of the latter, we rely on fortune cookies.

In place of the former, fortune cookies with "in bed" appended.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Sex is supposed to be self driven and spontaneous....Nether can be "coached" .....It's either there....or it's not, IMO..

Once it becomes scripted and mechanical, then count me out....That being said, if people can solve their own issues by way of counseling in this area, then who is anyone to say? Good for them!...It's just something I would never consider...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I would encourage anyone thinking they wouldn’t want to discuss such personal issues as their sex line with a sex therapist to read post#4 in this thread. @Young at Heart nails it. A licensed family or marriage counselor is a subset of a proper licensed sex therapist.

The point to therapy is to be open and truthful about what’s going on. When you are intentionally holding back, it very well might be what you’re holding back is part or even the root of the problem.

for what it’s worth, the MCs and ICs my wife and I have seen have been willing to go wherever needed; “sex” was in no way off-limits to them.

We reap what we sow.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I would go if I needed help. 

If you’re having money problems that are affecting your marriage, you’d see an accountant. You have a neurological problem, you see a neurologist. Having problems getting a job? You’d see an advisor, careers counsellor. Problems parenting, go seek help. Car not working, go see your mechanic! 

So many people put in years of study to help people. If I don’t know something or need help somewhere, why wouldn’t I seek the help of someone who’s put in years of study, seen thousands of people. I’m all for learning and seeking help for anything I know little about in order to overcome my struggles.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DTO said:


> Fair enough. But what happens in an impasse? What if a general therapist cannot help with a hangup, bad childhood teachings, etc?
> 
> I see it as a good relationship being worth the discomfort in dealing with a therapist who may be the opposite gender but is a pro experienced in those issues.
> 
> I'll add that resolving issues often involves growth, and that involves discomfort. Avoiding discomfort is bad for development.


I am never one to avoid discomfort, but I would use different ways to deal with any issues that came up. Sex therapists are just one way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> I would go if I needed help.
> 
> If you’re having money problems that are affecting your marriage, you’d see an accountant. You have a neurological problem, you see a neurologist. Having problems getting a job? You’d see an advisor, careers counsellor. Problems parenting, go seek help. Car not working, go see your mechanic!
> 
> So many people put in years of study to help people. If I don’t know something or need help somewhere, why wouldn’t I seek the help of someone who’s put in years of study, seen thousands of people. I’m all for learning and seeking help for anything I know little about in order to overcome my struggles.


This^^^^^^

If someone got cancer, should they read books and watch YouTube videos to cure it?

If someone did that, they would be considered irresponsible and dumb. 

If there is a cancer growing in the marriage, how is that any different?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

My SO and I have seen a few counselors, one of which was a certified sex therapist. From my experience, the sex therapist was able to focus in more specifically on sex than the other MC did. They seemed to keep the conversation about sex. I think both styles were helpful, for different reasons.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I would like to ask some add on questions:

How do you find and then identify a good sex therapist? Or marriage therapist for that matter?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

leftfield said:


> I would like to ask some add on questions:
> 
> How do you find and then identify a good sex therapist? Or marriage therapist for that matter?


in my case, there was only 1 choice anywhere near me. Hundreds of marriage counselors, but only 1 certified sex therapist, so my selection was easy. I find with any therapy, I can usually tell in the first session if the person and I can communicate well and if they seem to have a grasp on the types of issues i need their help with. It is possible to burn some money on a single appointment dead end, but I would think you will know after one session if you want to continue. In many cases, you can also look up online reviews of Therapists or have an intro high level phone call before you book a session


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

leftfield said:


> I would like to ask some add on questions:
> 
> How do you find and then identify a good sex therapist? Or marriage therapist for that matter?


Between myself, my wife, my marriage, and my kids, I've dealt with more therapists than I can keep track of. I have seen 4 IC's. My wife has gone through over a dozen IC's. We've seen 5-6 MC's over the years, 4 in the last two years. Half were complete idiots, one has worked great for us, and the other worked as well but wasn't what we needed at the time. We have seen I think 3 sex therapists, one was a moron and one didn't have the right experience. For the most part, it's trial and error, but there are some steps you can take to help narrow down some better choices.

Look at the areas they specialize in and are the most interested in. I've had much better luck with therapists who focus on a few things than those who list 20+ areas. I don't want someone who can do a little bit of everything. I want someone who only or primarily focuses in the areas that I need. For a sex therapist, you may need someone who specializes in sexual trauma, childhood sexual assault, infidelity, infertility, religious issues, cultural differences, sex addiction, transgender, gay/bisexual/lesbian, women's health issues (such as pain during sex) or men's health issues (such as ED or PE), etc.
Next, look at their methods. You may already know what method(s) works for you, if so great. If not, you will probably want a therapist who can try different things with you and not just say "well, I only do X so that's what we'll do". I believe my IC tried five different techniques before we found what worked for me. For MC, we did one type for 9 months or so to deal with the bulk of the infidelity, then switched to EFT which has been far more helpful.
Then I look at how long they have been practicing. I don't want someone who is fresh out of school, doesn't have years of experience, and is just looking for a guinea pig. If your issues are more minor or you don't have the funds to pay for someone better, then it might be okay to try them out.
You may also want to think about if you (and your spouse) have a preference for a male or female therapist. I've seen people here say that female therapists are bad or whatever, personally I haven't seen that. A bad therapist is a bad therapist, what's between their legs doesn't matter.
You can find reviews as well but remember it's not a one size fits all solution. People also tend to leave reviews when they are mad, and in this case the people leaving the reviews might not be the most mentally healthy.
When you find a therapist you are interested in, you should do a short phone conversation. This is to make sure you are both a good fit for each other. A good therapist knows that they cannot help everyone and will recommend someone else if needed because they genuinely want you to get proper help, not just make a buck. This is your time to ask questions too, to see if they are a good fit. I ask about methods, if they stay up to date on methods/research, and some "rules". For example, will they see me and my wife separately (more than a few one-off's), if they say yes then I'm out because that's not ethical. If I don't "click" with them on the phone, then I'll pass.
When you pick a therapist, you (and your spouse) need to have a good relationship with them for therapy to work well. Excluding other issues preventing it, you should be able to talk to them and you should feel like they are a good listener (but not a mind reader!). If you need them to change something up or you feel like something isn't working, you have to tell them. Good communication is needed all around. You should both feel heard and understood, and not ganged up on. They should lead you to the answers, however long it takes, not give you the answers. They should be helping you figure out what YOU want, not pushing their opinions or agenda on you. The therapist shouldn't interrupt you and they shouldn't talk more than you do. If there is cheating in the marriage, for the love of god the therapist shouldn't blame the BS for it. And if the therapist just doesn't feel right after a few sessions and you've tried addressing those issues, then it's time to move on to someone new.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MaiChi said:


> sex surrogates


What is that?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> What is that?











A Beginner’s Guide to Surrogate Partner Therapy


This three-way therapeutic relationship — between a licensed therapist, a client, and a sex partner surrogate — isn't as sexy as many assume.




www.healthline.com


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> A Beginner’s Guide to Surrogate Partner Therapy
> 
> 
> This three-way therapeutic relationship — between a licensed therapist, a client, and a sex partner surrogate — isn't as sexy as many assume.
> ...


Wow, I didn't know that existed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This^^^^^^
> 
> If someone got cancer, should they read books and watch YouTube videos to cure it?
> 
> ...


I wouldnt suggest watching youtube videos, but there are many other ways. We have heard some brilliant Christian teaching on marriage and sex over the years, and there are some really helpful books around that you can read together. 
I have never been to a MC or a sex therapist. We have been on a few general marriage retreat type things which are helpful for a marriage check up and reconnecting, but not for serious issues.


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