# Facebook and Ex-relationships/flings?



## tzeitel (Apr 12, 2011)

Hi,

My husband and I are wondering what other people do in this situation.

I have a few ex's on my friends list who I have remained friends with and on good terms. My husband seems to think that once you are married, that it is wrong to have any of your past relationships/sexual partners added onto a social networking site of any kind...(mainly Facebook) 

I agree with him, but at the same time don't want to seem rude to these people that are now friends and that I've shared a past with. I want to make my husband happy but I also want to know where everyone draws their boundaries...

What do you guys think?



(My husband wants to add his two cents in here as well, so here is his spiel)


i feel like part of being married is leaving behind your mistakes. precious few of these people actually cared about anything but her sex, and ever since she stopped drinking and smoking pot, she hasnt seen or heard from a lot of these guys. the ones that she was friends with all knew that she was vulnerable, and used her anyways. i never did, and i just cant respect the fact that they acted the way they did. but more than that, since we are newlyweds, i think its best to let it become nothing but a distant memory and strengthen our bonds. we have important things to worry about now...much more important than a few immature putzes....


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

tzeitel said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I are wondering what other people do in this situation.
> 
> ...


Hi,

Very good question. My stance is if there is any potential emotional/sexual threat to the relationship at all, then they should not be in your life in any significant way. And you ask a very thoughtful question in regards to letting the other people know your stance because you don't want to be rude to them. I think the key is to let them know your stance. Try to be humble and make sure you use language that is not attacking or accusatory - eg. "I valued the time we spent together and wish you all the best, but I feel I need to minimize the contact we have together as I move forward and focus on creating a life together with my spouse." Something like that perhaps. You can probably word it better me.

Also, from the perspective that these men did not treat you well, and from what I gather continue to behave poorly, then I find this quote very helpful: "We are the company we keep". In other words, the people in our life influence us in all kinds of ways - some are conscious, some are sub-conscious - and if you strive to be the best person/spouse you can be then spending time (online or otherwise) around people who display damaging behaviours may influence you in ways you don't even realize.

Is that helpful to you?

Let me know if you need further advice


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> Hi,
> 
> Very good question. My stance is if there is any potential emotional/sexual threat to the relationship at all, then they should not be in your life in any significant way. And you ask a very thoughtful question in regards to letting the other people know your stance because you don't want to be rude to them. I think the key is to let them know your stance. Try to be humble and make sure you use language that is not attacking or accusatory - eg. "I valued the time we spent together and wish you all the best, but I feel I need to minimize the contact we have together as I move forward and focus on creating a life together with my spouse." Something like that perhaps. You can probably word it better me.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice! :smthumbup:


After we are married, our husbands are the people we should show respect. If they feel bothered or threatened by what we are doing, we should stop it right away. Their feeling is what we have to value and pay attention to. Who cares how those other men think of us now! If they are in the way of the current sweet relationship we want to pursue, get rid of them. By the same token, the husbands have to be the same. Cut off all the ties with their exes!


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## Franklin Tank (Oct 18, 2010)

I say cut the ties and if they ask why thru other means of communication then just tell them that your "social network" if for family only now. Thats what i did.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

You are married to your husband and not husband plus ex friends.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I personally dont see a problem with it.

If you are secure in your current relationship, then whats the problem?


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

If I were your husband, I would have tell you before getting married so that if you will not accept and respect about my boundaries then I would have breakup with you and find another woman who will!

I do not need an extra stress from other people who do not mean anything for my family!

It is not about to be insecure, it is about respect and set of boundaries, it is confidence! 

Your husband has that confidence to tell you rather than hide it and deal it internally, that is weekness and fear to set his boundaries and it is insecure to not speak up your mind for something bothering you!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

JJG said:


> I personally dont see a problem with it.
> 
> If you are secure in your current relationship, then whats the problem?


I should have probably followed this up with, if my other half had a problem with it i probably would just delete them. Are they worth causing him pain/fights over?

But again, i dont see a problem.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

My wife and I have been off Facebook for over a year and we are both very happy with our decision. While on Facebook we continued to get people from our past trying to friend us. These were classmates who chose to disclose that they had a crush on us during high school and middle school. We started to friend them and began to notice a few were regularly making comments about pictures and sending "cutesy" messages. 

We both felt like we had made a big mistake. Men and women who were once a vague memory, and obviously not important to us, were now engaging in our daily lives because they once went to school with us and had a crush. Ridiculous waste of time. 

I don't feel the need to have to catch-up with a person who was not a true friend to begin with just because they found me on Facebook. I don't have time for that and I didn't trust their intentions. Facebook caused a lot of grief and unnecessary discussions about past relationships that we already discussed in general before they came back into our Facebook lives. 

We deleted all our friends and then our accounts and we instantly had more time to spend with each other and discovered that we not only didn't miss Facebook, but that our lives were better without it. 

I have the address and email of all those whom I consider face-to-face friends. When I want to send them pictures, or catch-up with them, I do...just not on Facebook.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Facebook and Ex- my favorite subject!!!*

I've debatead this to death on these boards, started a thread about it, and people have said they've found this site, buy googling this subject and finding my thread. I'll say it again for those who might not have been around at the time...

I passionately believe it is not a good idea to have EXs or past sexual lovers as friends on FB. I don't give a damn if it was just a 1 night stand. People say, "FB is just a tool... FB is just a tool... its the individual..." BS!!! Its a very powerful tool that reconnects people with a past that should stay the past. There is a reason why you moved on from your college boyfriend. There was a reason why you didn't propose to that chick when you were 23. But guess what? I bet you remember how good the sex was. You remember how good it was to talk to them at times. Do you really need that sort of distraction in your current marriage. IT really is about boundaries.

I don't need to be 1 IM away from the chick who was a screamer! I don't need to be in contact with the chick that used to squirt like a fountain. Same way my wife doesn't need to be in contact with the guy who took her virginity, or the guy who used to beat it up before we got together. That's too much temptation people. 

We all experience rough times in our marriage, if these "Ex's" are single, do you really think they are going to provide you with "benefitial to you" advise? No they are going to say things that benefits them, try to rehash the past. Its amazing how people reflect only the good times they had with these people, never the bad when they used you for sex and cheated on you. Me and the wife have 0 friends on FB we were intimate with, and i wouldnt' have it any other way.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

*Re: Facebook and Ex- my favorite subject!!!*



Rob774 said:


> I've debatead this to death on these boards, started a thread about it, and people have said they've found this site, buy googling this subject and finding my thread. I'll say it again for those who might not have been around at the time...
> 
> I passionately believe it is not a good idea to have EXs or past sexual lovers as friends on FB. I don't give a damn if it was just a 1 night stand. People say, "FB is just a tool... FB is just a tool... its the individual..." BS!!! Its a very powerful tool that reconnects people with a past that should stay the past.
> Amen to that!
> ...


Great post. Thank you!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Contacting X's via any medium is playing with fire. Your husband is right, it's a problem just waiting to happen. There's no sense tempting fate. Politely tell your X's you and your husband have a policy about contact with former flames. Wish them the best and ask them to respect your wishes.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

So many men disagree, but I'll say it anyway. I'm a 100% redblooded alpha male. I had a sex buddy before I met my wife, who also happened to be a good friend. Yes, I was selfish, and I really regret it. Thing is, as a guy, there's a big part of me that is reminding myself that any woman I am friends with on Facebook could potentially be sexually available if something goes wrong in my marriage. To think that these guys have assumed that your sexual unavailability would never crack in the downtimes would be naive if you ever commented on anything deeper than the weather outside.

My solution was to avoid any ties on Facebook. Last year, this former friend divorced. I got a nice, heartfelt letter from her for Christmas. Her letter was very non-sexual. My thoughts weren't. I haven't seen her in 20 years, but my friends say she's still just as attractive as the day she was our homecoming queen. She had some unique talents in the bed, so I avoid contact with her like the plague. I've never even considered cheating in 25 years, but a facebook connection would possibly make me need to take a cold shower.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I loathe facebook so you can just imagine my feelings on this. Cut the friends loose. It's not worth it but your husband is.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

luckyman said:


> Great post. Thank you!


No, thank you sir!



Halien said:


> So many men disagree, but I'll say it anyway. I'm a 100% redblooded alpha male. I had a sex buddy before I met my wife, who also happened to be a good friend. Yes, I was selfish, and I really regret it. Thing is, as a guy, there's a big part of me that is reminding myself that any woman I am friends with on Facebook could potentially be sexually available if something goes wrong in my marriage. To think that these guys have assumed that your sexual unavailability would never crack in the downtimes would be naive if you ever commented on anything deeper than the weather outside.
> 
> My solution was to avoid any ties on Facebook. Last year, this former friend divorced. I got a nice, heartfelt letter from her for Christmas. Her letter was very non-sexual. My thoughts weren't. I haven't seen her in 20 years, but my friends say she's still just as attractive as the day she was our homecoming queen. She had some unique talents in the bed, so I avoid contact with her like the plague. *I've never even considered cheating in 25 years, but a facebook connection would possibly make me need to take a cold shower*.


Exactly!!!

People just don't get it. When you are intimate with someone, there's a tiny bond that connects you forever. And if it wasn't too long ago, this person remembers how you like to be F'd. I remember things about chicks, and its been over a decade. Any guy friend on FB can randomly hit on a woman, but only EXs were once actually successful at it. Why have that "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... BREAK GLASS" so close to your significant other's fingertips???


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Great posts here!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

My last 2 cents on this topic, alteast for today. You could be a sane, civil person with no harmful intentions in the world. Guess what??? You Ex may not share those same values. They could either...

A. Be a jealous chick, that might want you back, thus say things to you pry apart your marriage.

B. Be some dude who sees you are now married, but remembers how weak you can get, and takes you being married as a challenge. 

My wife has told me how non-EX FB friends have tried to hit on her. Remember, these people aren't fools, they SEE your status, they know when you are going through something. My gal pals who are going through drama, i know it because its in their post!!! Having someone chatting in your ear, who knows/knew you on an intimate level is NOT a good thing when you are vulnerable.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

No No NOOOOOO! Not a good idea. My marriage is over because of it. I know, it's not facebook's fault. But it certainly widens those cracks and makes the exes easily accessible. Especially when the ex still carries a torch for your spouse. Not a good idea.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

This is just my opinon, I do not have ANY ex's on my facebook and would be super upset if my husband even questioned "adding" one of his ex's to our facebook account. Just my opinon


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> My last 2 cents on this topic, alteast for today. You could be a sane, civil person with no harmful intentions in the world. Guess what??? You Ex may not share those same values. They could either...
> 
> A. Be a jealous chick, that might want you back, thus say things to you pry apart your marriage.
> 
> ...



Exactly!!


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

tzeitel said:


> I agree with him, but at the same time don't want to seem rude to these people that are now friends and that I've shared a past with. I want to make my husband happy but I also want to know where everyone draws their boundaries...
> 
> What do you guys think?


I would put my husband's feelings above "not wanting to seem rude" to people who in the big picture....don't really figure in my life anymore. 

People become ex's for a reason....from what your hubby wrote it sounds like you are a lifetime away from these men now....why would you want to jepordise what you now have for people who didn't know how to treat you right in the first place?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Anthoney8858, 
Did you confront your wife about the message? I am going through a similar situation right now with FB. As my wife has had her own issues with jealousy in the past, she is pretty sympathetic to how I feel. My wife would say "I am just being nice" when guys would try to chat her up. I told her that what she is saying is that her "being nice" is more important than how I feel. A few conversations and few other incidents later and she started to modify her account. I still have minor issues with some of her activity, but I'm alot cooler now. Oh and Mafia Wars brings out the worst in men. I don't know what it is about that game.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Personaly I think Facebook is the devil. Am currently overseas but the only people on my facebook is family and close friends all of which are mutual friends. My wife's is her entire high school class. I agree with LnL FAcebook tears up marriage. It allows the smallest crack to become the grand canyon. Spouses get told they aren't respecting privacy but the only way they can find out anything about their SO is by checking their FB status.....*grumbles and swears for an hour more*

Drop the old friends. Like everyone here said its your husband that matters not everyone else. Otherwise one day you are going to wake up and realize you aren't "in love" with your husband anymore.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

Hubby doesn't mind at all if I add my exes on fb but I decided not to coz I'd be furious if he does the same to me eventhough he'd not into fb/social networking. I only use mine for mainly just family/relatives.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> avoid any ties on Facebook. Last year, this former friend divorced. I got a nice, heartfelt letter from her for Christmas. Her letter was very non-sexual. My thoughts weren't. I haven't seen her in 20 years, but my friends say she's still just as attractive as the day she was our homecoming queen. She had some unique talents in the bed, so I avoid contact with her like the plague. I've never even considered cheating in 25 years, but a facebook connection would possibly make me need to take a cold shower.


A few years ago, near the end of a failing marriage, I got a friend request and innocent email from a woman I had a fling with in HIGH SCHOOL 35 years before, and I was instantly brought back to the situation in my mind. I remembered EVERYTHING about her, touch, smell, feel, etc. It was an unbelievable temptation. Eventually, after I separated, we got together for a cup of coffee, and the sexual tension was thick. I fled the coffee shop when it was obvious that our will power was not going to hold out ... 

There is a psychologist somewhere on the web that talks about how sex/romantic love triggers the same chemicals in the brain as do drugs like cocaine or heroin, we are addicted, literally, to a lover. He says that ALL contact with exes is dangerous, as these chemicals can kick in. 

Research he cites about online contact with exes says that "viewing an ex-partner’s photo also activated areas of the brain associated with craving and addiction" ( Science of Relationships - | - Get Your Facebook Profile Ready for Valentine ) 

I know enough from my own experience that it was incredibly easy to relapse. Thirty five years after a one-night fling, I was brought back to that old fashioned, comfortable, just buzzed, warm fuzzy feeling by a facebook friend request.


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## The_Good_Wife (Jan 13, 2012)

As long as they dont try to communicate with you in a more than friendly way then I don't see what the problem is. 

Honestly I don't see what the big deal with facebook is. I don't see why people think it ruins relationships and all that stuff. Facebook doesn't ruin relationships. If your huband/wife bf/gf is cheatting on you and you find out through a tagged pic you saw on facebook, the problem is not facebook, but your relationship. If your significant other still keeps in touch with his/her ex through facebook....again the problem is not facebook. If facebook didn't exist they would text or email or send letters to each other. Leave facebook alone! lol


So tell your husband not to be insecure. If you want to have secret communication with those people you will facebook or no facebook.


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## The_Good_Wife (Jan 13, 2012)

However, even if I don't think it's a problem staying friends on facebook with them, personally I don't keep exes or any guys that were romantically interested in me in the past. I used to have them there. As soon as I got engaged they were gone. No explanation when they tried to add me back. No need to stay friends with them. But that was my decision.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is no danger in any form of communication UNLESS it is stirring up inappropriate old feelings. I can communicate with a whole lotta old friends without that happening--but one or two did (hey, I'm single now, so it's ok). I think it is just incumbent on each adult to walk away from that thrill IF they value their marriage. If the temptation is too much, then the marriage isn't as good as anyone thinks it is.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

OP, if I were your husband, I'd be very uncomfortable with you having your ex's added as friends on Facebook. You only need one of them to be "a friend" for the wrong reason and who knows where it might end up, regardless of how strong you think you are. My wife had a brief emotional affair and I would have put my house on her being the last person to do so.

Like some other posters, I have never had anything to do with Facebook. I'm 50+ and many of my friends are on it and have invited me to join also. As someone else said, I like to have actual contact with the friends I want to have contact with. "Friend" is a very loose term really, when it comes to Facebook.

And my children have all threatened to disown me if I join Facebook!


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

tzeitel said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I are wondering what other people do in this situation.
> 
> ...


I think this stuff is on a case by case basis. I have some exes/flings has friends on FB, who I don't even interact with. They are just FB friends. So outside of that initial interaction of accepting the friend request - that's it. If it was a monster deal to my wife and she didn't want me to be friends with them, I'd de-friend them. Her feelings are more important than these people - but at the same time, since I'm not interacting with them (and they aren't interacting with me), I see no harm in it. I don't think she has any exes on FB has friends, but I know she's searched for them, to see how they look (she seems to get some sick pleasure in seeing how fat and/or bald they have gotten :rofl.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tzeitel said:


> i feel like part of being married is leaving behind your mistakes. precious few of these people actually cared about anything but her sex, and ever since she stopped drinking and smoking pot, she hasnt seen or heard from a lot of these guys. the ones that she was friends with all knew that she was vulnerable, and used her anyways. i never did, and i just cant respect the fact that they acted the way they did. but more than that, since we are newlyweds, i think its best to let it become nothing but a distant memory and strengthen our bonds. we have important things to worry about now...much more important than a few immature putzes....


 @OP: Listen to your husband. He is 100% right. For your marriage, there should be zero contact with these OM. They should no longer be your friends. There is some debate on this and other boards about if it is good idea to have any opposite sex friends. There is little debate about keeping exs around as friends. Dump them all out of your life forever.

@OP Husband: For a newlywed you are wise about marraige. There would be a lot less people posting about issues with their marraige if they were smart enough to begin their marraige with basic common sense boundaries such as the one you are setting now about no contact with any one that was an ex.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I posted something along these lines in another thread with a man whose wife was trading "innocent" e-mails with an old BF she reconnected with on Facebook. It went something like this:

Right now, it's all reconnecting and "Hey, how's it been? What have you been up to?"

But soon, the conversations will turn into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great father
How you're a great husband
How you're a great guy
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she sometimes feels when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How you don't ALWAYS help out at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How, alright..you're not ALWAYS such a great guy
how she loves hearing from him now
How she looks forward to their chats everyday now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How you can be insensitive sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she feels that he's her soulmate
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she feels like she's falling in love with him now
How she ever could have fallen in love with a jerk like you
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How she now realizes she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How she now realizes that they were truly meant to be together
How she must desperately get away from you
How she's going to dump you and be with the "love of her life"
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live "happily ever after"...

...get the picture?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Absolute deal breaker for me. I won't tolerate ex'es on his facebook or mine.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JJG said:


> I should have probably followed this up with, if my other half had a problem with it i probably would just delete them. Are they worth causing him pain/fights over?
> 
> But again, i dont see a problem.


Ex`s are almost always a problem.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't worry about being rude to them. Worry about your marriage and your husband's feelings. You won't miss your exes off FB...trust me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tzeitel said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I are wondering what other people do in this situation.
> 
> ...


I bolded what I think is important.

My exH always seemed to be preoccupied with not appearing rude, often to my disadvantage. This is what salespeople play upon. They get up in your face and you're scared that you might appear rude to them. Some people in the personal realm take advantage of this same human sentiment.

Women who called him, emailed him asked him for favors and so forth, well, he couldn't be rude to them.

The second bolded worries me as well. Dating someone who stayed in a bad relationship far too long makes me wonder if my stable ways and lifestyle is going to provide enough drama for them to want to stay put.

I say de friend these guys before they start contacting you and then you'll be worried that if you don't respond you'll appear rude to them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is a zombie thread. 

The OP's Last Activity: 04-22-2011 04:52 PM 

But still good advice for those who are lurking.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lordmayhem said:


> This is a zombie thread.


"The Walking Thread"


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I agree with all of you. My husband has 5 ex lovers and an ex wife on his facebook that he talks to whenever he wants. I hate it and I've talked to him about how it bothers me. He says that he will never betray me again, and i need to trust him. He will not get rid of them from his facebook friends list. He does not care that it bothers me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I know this is zombie, but the advice is still here if you need it. Dixie, your husband doesn't sound worried about being rude...at all! Not even to YOU! He's enjoying the attention.

Do yourself a favor, and get involved; one of my H's treading b!tches needed telling. By me. So I did. Haven't heard from her in 6 months. And if we do, I will tell her again. Some people get off on keeping their exes around. Like the way a cat marks its territory.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with your husband

If anyone makes either you ar your husband uncomfortable in any way, the other spouse should respect that and eliminate that friend or aquaintance


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