# I Guess You Would Call This Separation



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here. My husband went to stay with his parents last Wednesday, so I'm just beginning to realize we're separated, I guess. Neither of us really put a title to it when he decided to leave for awhile, but that's what it is. I have no idea when/if he's coming back. He has come by to get more of his things since Wednesday, but he always does so while I'm at work, so things just seem to disappear.

I'll try to be brief here, but there are a lot of things happening, so some detail is necessary.

We've been together 6 and a half years, married two and a half. We met as professional actors in local theatre, although I stopped doing that about 5 years ago. He continues to do some when time allows (this will be part of the story).

From the beginning of our relationship, he has had a female friend (FF from here on out) who has a son - she was a single mom when I got on the scene - with whom my husband (I guess I'll call him H?) is close. The boy is 9 now, H has known him since birth, as H and FF were friends in high school and she contacted him again while pregnant with the child (just to be clear, the kid is not H's). FF and H had a tumultuous friendship, where she would get mad and basically cut him out of her life until she decided to forgive him and welcome him back - this happened several times over the years when we were first dating and living together, and I just always thought she was a selfish, manipulative person because of it. She basically uses her son against H as an emotional weapon because she knows H and her son are close. 

H and I got married in late 2008 when I was 28 and he was 27. We had owned a condo together for 2 and a half years at the time. He lost his job in December 2008 after only a couple of months of marriage, while I was just starting a new, very stressful position at my job (the same place I work now). He was unable to find work, and unemployment was running out, so he decided (and I supported this) to go back to school and finish his degree, and to use the job loss as an opportunity to do what he had always wanted. So he started school in the Fall of 2009.

In the Spring of 2010, H finally landed a student job at his school, which was less than part time and didn't pay well. My Hell job was just getting better, but we'd been on pay freeze for over a year, and we had my student loans on forbearance since he had started school and they were coming due again, so we were looking at being unable to pay our mortgage and decided to apply for a short sale. We were approved and put the house on the market last Spring.

Cut to the Fall of 2010, only two people have looked at the house and no one has made an offer, so the bank starts foreclosure proceedings and we need to move. H's schedule is very busy with school, so I went out looking at apartments by myself. None were really meeting our criteria, when a friend told us he was moving from his place so we came to look at it and I liked it better than any other place I had seen so far. It seemed like kismet - H said I had seen the most places, so I should just pick what I thought was best, so I picked our friend's place. With the foreclosure and everything, I figured our credit was crap and our best bet was going where we had a recommendation, since we'd been in our house almost 5 years and therefore had no viable rental history. We moved in November and signed a voluntary foreclosure (basically giving the bank our condo rather than them taking it) in December 2010.

It became clear that H was unhappy this last January. He was being rude to me and unpleasant, and I knew he was stressed out with school and work (he hated his student job) and the show in which he was performing. One of my best friends was in the show with him and told me he seemed darker, like angry about things in general, which I noticed at home, too. I tried to get him to talk to me about it. He would not, said he was depressed, but that was all he would say. I encouraged him to seek counseling at school (where it's free), and he would say maybe and then not go.

Around the same time, he started texting a lot, and when I would ask him who he was texting, he would say either his cousin (a guy and they're pretty close) or FF. I don't know when exactly I noticed his phone was password protected, but it hadn't always been. He refused to give me the password, which I thought was strange, and when I picked a fight about it, he asked for my passwords and I gave them all to him (my phone is not password protected, so I have just e-mail passwords and things). He then told me a password for his phone, and when I tried it the next day, it didn't work.

In February, H came home from going out with a friend (the husband of my good friend who was in the show with him, let's call this guy MF) and it was 3 in the morning, and I woke up and asked him if they'd had fun and everything, and he said he was late because he had to drive MF home after MF had too much to drink to drive his motorcycle home, and that was fine. But then H started to tell me he didn't know if he wanted to stay married and he didn't know if he wanted kids (something I have always been open about wanting), and he wasn't sure why he was so depressed, and he knew I had been depressed over the holidays and that he didn't care what I was feeling (he literally said that), and he just didn't know what he wanted. So that was surprising. The next morning, I told him I'd help him and stand by him while he figured out what he wanted but what I wanted was to stay married and I'd do whatever it took to get us through this.

This is getting long.

Since February, there have been at least three times he has left the house to go drinking by himself and come home hours after I expected him back (not knowing he was going alone), one time coming home wasted and yelling at me for being upset that he'd been out until three without calling or texting me, even after I called and texted him. That night he actually got into a huge fight with me when I confronted him about this destructive behavior, and repeated that he didn't want kids and didn't know if he wanted to stay married. He apologized for speaking to me the way he did the next day, and stopped drinking altogether for a few weeks. Then he started up again, and last Sunday he didn't come home at all until 6 in the morning. He said he had been at his cousin's house, not knowing I had already contacted the cousin and his wife to find out if he was there (he'd gone there before when drinking), and the wife told me he wasn't with them at all that night and they didn't know where he was. He admitted he had lied and that he'd fallen asleep in the car waiting to sober up after having too much to drink by himself. I was unhappy he had lied, but we both agreed he needed help with his drinking problem.

That night (last Monday), I had dinner with my good friend (the one who's married to MF) and she told me that on the night in February when MF and H had gone out together, they had gone to a bar and met up with FF and that H had told MF that H and FF were having an affair. Then he said H and FF left the bar together and MF had to take a cab home (remember H told me he had driven MF home and failed to mention FF's presence at all). My friend said MF had called H that day and told him he and my friend were going to tell me what H had said, and at that point H said it was all a misunderstanding and that he had been lying to appear "cool" to MF. The really hard part for me was that this alleged affair fit so well into the behavior I'd been seeing: the drinking and lying and locked phone and evasiveness. He had also on a couple of occasions (including once when I had a cold) chosen to go out to FF's or out with her rather than spend time with me.

When I confronted H with this information, he insisted it was a lie, which I don't understand. Why would someone lie that they WERE having an affair if it wasn't true??? This makes no sense to me. To me, the lie is almost as bad as if it were true. H defines having an affair as sex. I define it as emotional involvement and I explained to him that I feel he and FF have crossed a line and have been inappropriate (she is also married and having marital problems) and that I am no longer comfortable with them remaining friends. I don't know whether or not to believe he is having an affair with her. But either way, I don't see how we can go forward with her in our lives. I also feel that she would have an affair with him if given the chance - I have felt from the beginning of our relationship that she wanted him to herself and although I have tried to be friends with her myself, she and I have never gotten along, partly because she is territorial about my husband.

So H has moved to his parents' house temporarily to figure out what he wants. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, he doesn't want kids anymore, and he hates where we live now - he knows he should have said that from the beginning and been more vical when we were choosing a new place. He says he doesn't think he really dealt with losing his job and our home, and everything has just overwhelmed him. I am still willing to work on things (provided FF is out of the picture and the lying stops), and we have an appointment with a counselor this Wednesday. I am not sure he wants to remain married. He seems to be sabotaging the relationship on purpose, and he cannot give me an acceptable reason for saying he had an affair to my friend's husband if it's not true - he doesn't even see why this is such a horrible thing to say. At this point, we've exchanged a couple of texts and e-mails, mostly with regard to our appointment and mail that has come to the house for him. I am upset, but not as much as I have been the past several months when I didn't know what was happening or why and I was getting suspicious bout all the texting. Truthfully, it would have been harder to believe he was cheating had I not been so suspicious of the locked phone.

This is long enough. I just don't know where we go from here. Is it unreasonable of me to demand he stop interacting with FF? I feel this is an emotional affair - oh, partially because on multiple occasions she has posted things on facebook about H that I did not know. Things having to do with school projects or other things he's working on, which I always ask about and have been historically supportive of, but for some reason he's telling her and not me. He has breached my trust and I don't know how to recover from that.

I also worry about this no-kids thing - that would have been a deal-breaker for me before marriage, so what happens now? I am anxious to see our counselor (I hope she's a good fit for us), and get started on working on things. I just don't know if he wants to fix this or if he'd rather just give up and move on. At this point, I am the sole breadwinner (I got a promotion and a raise recently that allowed him to quit his hated student job), so I'm not too worried about myself financially, and emotionally I know I'll be okay eventually, but I didn't get married thinking we would just give up when things got tough. And I feel like that's what he's doing.

I'm sure I've left a lot out - you know how these things go, there are a ton of important details. But that's it in a nutshell. So, hi, I'm new here and newly separated.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Sounds almost 100% he is having an affair. Not much you can do about that though. all I cans ay is work on yourself, find happiness fr yourself without him. Get clarity on whether you can actually forgive him or not and get clarity on how much you really want kids. I know its hard but everyone here is going to say it so I shall be the first, you can't do anything to change him how he feels etc all you can do is you and its up to him to see that or not. councilling is a good start make sure you listen and don't accuse.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

It does sound like your H is having an affair, I'm sorry to have to tell you that.
You are not wrong to demand that FF stay out of your lives. She is obviously a problem in your marriage.

I really, really wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks, both of you. That's pretty much the only conclusion I can come to, as well. It's hard - I'm sure everyone feels like their spouse would be the last one to ever have an affair, but this is seriously shocking to me, considering they've both always assured me their relationship was like brother/sister and I trusted H (although never FF) to be telling me the truth. She was in our damn wedding (and hugely pregnant with her second child from her husband now at the time), for crying out loud. I tried to be her friend, but she's just such a horrible person - always trying to have the upper hand, and (I felt) always trying to undermine our relationship. This is just such b.s. And for him to not even be able to admit it with all of the evidence? I'm really disappointed. I thought our relationship was stronger than this, and it's hard to find out I'm wrong.

I'll see what we can do at counseling, but I don't know if I can get past it if he is having an affair. He has said repeatedly that he doesn't really want to go to counseling and he's afraid the counselor will make it all out like it's his fault, but I am confused what I've done to get us to this point. I've tried to be supportive emotionally and I've been supportive financially, despite the fact that I hated my job for so long. I feel I'm the only one making compromises and sacrifices here, and I just can't keep doing that if I'm the only one who wants this marriage.

Thanks for your input. This seems like a good place for support and advice, so I'm glad to have found it.


----------



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

hi, 

it sounds like your husband is having an affair. fortunately, you were promoted, got a raise, and have a place. if you get out now/divorce, then you can find someone better in the long run. it just sounds like your husband is using you more as a caretaker rather than a partner, while he gets to play around with FF and her first kid. If he also feels so close to FF's 1st kid, then all that energy he's putting into it, could mean that he's already fulfilled that fatherly role and feels no longer a need to have kids with his wife, you. 

husband also sounds like he's having a mental breakdown because he is guilty of something, but what? if there's nothing to lie about, then why lie about it (where he's staying on those late night)? if there's nothing to hide (such as passwords) then why? if he's constantly drinking and disappearing at night, then why give up silly excuses?


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

oceanbreeze - that's kind of how I'm feeling, too. Why would someone lie just to lie? There has to be something else going on. He turns 30 this summer, and one of my friends thinks he's having trouble with that plus pride issues of losing the house and his job from before, but I still don't get why he'd randomly start lying to me. So there has to be something else going on.

He hasn't contacted me at all, btw - I've emailed or texted him a few times about various things (our appointment, things that have come in the mail that might be important), and he responds to what I say, but hasn't reached out at all on his own. I wasn't expecting that (maybe I'm naive). I also wasn't expecting that his Mom (to whom I have always been close) wouldn't reach out to even see how I'm doing. It's like his family has closed ranks and is shutting me out, when I am the wronged/left party here, and that's very hurtful. It's like they don't care how I'm doing. Maybe they don't. I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

I'm on the fence - I hear the "get out now while there's still time" thing, but I also didn't get married thinking I would get divorced, and I feel like if he would just try, we could work it out. But I know someone before said I can't do anything about him and what he chooses, so I'm trying not to harp on that too much. This is just so hard - I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, just waiting for him to decide what he wants.

I'm really going to try to listen and not accuse tomorrow at counseling, as NiceGuy suggested, but it's hard because I don't feel like he's listening to me. (You all are, and my friends... so *some* people are listening to me.) I just feel so pushed aside, and I don't know what I've done to deserve being treated this way while he (who has been so mean and inconsiderate and lied) gets a bunch of support from his family. Here's a surprise: it's unfair.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Okay, I just skimmed this, because I don't have a lot of time. But yes, it sounds like he's cheating. A lot of earmarks of an affair are there. If you read my story, you'd see lots of similarities. If you're bored, my thread is in this section and it's titled "Now what? I love you and I always will." 

I'll come back later and give you some advice. For now, just hang in there!


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

OK, I need advice on this - H has come to the house three time since he left (which will be one week tomorrow) to get things (clothes, cell phone charger, mail, etc) and none of those times has he warned me in advance or left a note and he has made sure to do it while I'm gone (my schedule is pretty regular). In fact, only the first time did he even say anything about it AFTER the fact. I find this really invasive, even though this is our place together... he moved out! Shouldn't there be some sort of general consideration that he should let me know he is coming by or has come by? I feel like it's rude and inconsiderate and, frankly, creepy. Am I being reactionary?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Change the locks stat. YES it's weird he just comes and goes as he pleases. Not to mention rude considering he walked out on you.
He's gone so let him feel the consequences.
Your gut is prob right about the FF. I have no idea why he'd lie about having an affair. Also his behavior of ditching you to hang with her is off.
Was she ever weird around you?

No matter, change the locks and tell him you're not waiting around for him to decide.


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

It's a rental, so I don't know if I can, but one of my friends said the same thing. 

OK, I feel good that I'm not the only one who thinks it's a little effed up. I'm seeing him tomorrow for counseling, should I ask for his key? I probably should. I hate coming home and knowing he's been here on purpose avoiding me.

As far as FF, well, she is a manipulative, selfish person, and she's been nothing BUT weird to me, in my opinion, for 6 and a half years. We've hung out together on our own and I always feel like she's trying to get me to say stuff she can use against me (which she never can because I'm honest like that) and in public at dinner parties and things she's always trying to announce things to people that she thinks I wouldn't want known - like stuff about mine and H's personal life and things. I have NEVER trusted her. However, after this long, I had kind of decided that's just who she is and I don't have to like her, but now I think maybe she's been playing the long con. I would like to call her some very bad names here, but I don't know the policy on swear words.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, tell him you want your key back and that you feel it's very invasive and inappropriate that he is just popping in as he pleases. It's not fair to you.

Re: FF...sheh prob always carried a torch for him, resented you for being married to him, and that is why she acted like a b-tch. Don't worry about her or him.

You are better off w/o either of those two douches.


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

OK, we had our first MC session on Wednesday. It was awkward and weird, but we got through it. It turns out H has told everyone him leaving was our mutual decision and he has not told anyone what he said about FF... so ultimately his family and friends probably just think I kicked him out for being a drunk. I asked him to set the record straight, and he said he would, no idea if he has. He seemed to actually think the decision was mutual, which is bizarre since I made a point of being not part of it. He did agree to let me know before he was coming over from now on, and he has so far stuck to it. Asking for his key felt so wrong in the moment.

I just, I go back and forth, you know? I don't think I believe him that he's not having an affair, or at least hiding something from me, but he's still talking to FF when I asked him not to. Still, I think about our good memories and get sad and lonely and just want to go back to how things were. I don't understand why he doesn't know whether or not he wants to stay married. But I also don't trust him. I just wish I knew what to do.

Having a hard night tonight, obviously. H is coming over tomorrow to work on some thing in his office (he needs the printer he left here and other things that are harder to move), so I'll at least have use of the car while he's here. I don't know if we'll get to talk or anything. I don't know if I want to. I have my solo session with the MC on Wednesday, he has one Friday, and then the following week we'll be back together for MC.

Thanks to everyone here for your comments and support - this is a great site, and I really appreciate the support of other people in similar situations.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

When he comes over tomorrow do not discuss your relationship with him.
Be friendly and upbeat, look your best, and do not discuss your problems. Act as if you are moving on with your life with or without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Well, I didn't read that reply until just now, DG. But I got it partially right. I looked okay, I think, and I didn't discuss our relationship. I was friendly and upbeat, and I went to the grocery store and then used the saw he brought over to get some yardwork done (by myself), then I started to install a new chain lock on the door, and he helped me... it seemed like a good idea to let him help, as I do almost everything around here. I mentioned some stuff I had done yesterday with some friends, so that shows I'm not just sitting around here, pining. I think it was okay.


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

OK, I had my solo MC session yesterday, and although she clearly can't tell me what she thinks, I think she's confused about the affair and why someone would lie about it if it wasn't true, too. So, if nothing else, I'm hoping she can help me get to whatever the truth is here.

As far as my 180 goes (yes, I'm trying to do the 180, at least for the most part, I'm not sure I know what the whole thing involves), I'm doing really well. I haven't contacted him first all week, and I don't plan to. I'm hanging out with my friends and remembering what it's like to just be me and not be tense and worried all the time. Work is going really well and I've mostly stopped obsessing over the situation while I'm there, which is great - nothing like having an assistant (me) who can't focus on anything, I'm sure my boss was loving that. 

I'm starting to realize we did not have the healthiest marriage. We had let it get very lopsided, not just financially, which couldn't be helped much, but as far as chores and responsibilities went, I had taken them all on myself - and I fully accept half of the responsibility for that, because it's not like I didn't know it was happening. I was also the only one making the effort with in-laws. It's no secret that H hates my mother, but we live in the same city as both of our sets of parents, so seeing them from time to time is inevitable, but I had to fight for it almost every time we spent time with my parents, even for holidays. There are just a lot of things that don't seem fair about our relationship, when I'm looking at it now.

That said, I do think we can work through all of this and reconcile still, if he has any desire to, which I think is really doubtful at this point. But I'm willing to try. I just refuse to sit around the house and wait for him to come to that decision, which is why the 180 appeals to me. By the time I read about it on here, I was already doing part of it. :smthumbup:

Yes, I just gave myself a thumbs-up.

I feel good most days, and it helps that I have so many people to talk to in my support system. I'm breaking the news (part of it, anyway) to my folks this weekend. Wish me luck!

Separated more than two weeks now.


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

I talked to a friend in Family Law yesterday, and - apparently - it's super quick and easy to get divorced here, in a situation like ours. Which makes me feel weird. I could literally be divorced by this time next week, if I just got him to sign the internet forms I can print out and filed on Monday. Isn't that too fast? I don't know, it makes me feel strange to know it's so easy. Although, that's *if* he doesn't fight me on anything. Or want spousal support. At this point, if he asked me for spousal support, I might go mental. Because support is what I've given to him our whole relationship, and only rarely do I get any from him - and I'm not talking financially, although I've been supporting us that way, too, for over two years.

Just needing to rant a little, I think. 

It's bothering me a lot that I still haven't heard from anyone in his family. I feel like I'm being treated (by him and his friends and family) like *I'm* the one who has done something wrong here, and if anyone can point out to me what that was, I am all ears, because I haven't been able to get an answer about what I'm doing wrong out of H for months.  I was pretty close to his Mom, and she hasn't even called or e-mailed me to see if I'm okay. I'm not asking them to side with me, I'd just like to know that they could spare a little concern for my welfare. It hurts to lose other people besides just H - who is also not contacting me except to tell me things I need to know, like if he's coming over to the house for something - and I really would have expected better from his parents. I mean, for crying out loud, I WARNED his mother that something was going on with him MONTHS ago, and she just brushed me off like, "Oh, he's just overwhelmed with school. He'll be fine." Maybe she's not contacting me now because she's embarrassed about being so grossly incorrect. It just hurts.

I'm (clearly) feeling really angry today. Yesterday was a sad day, today is angry. I'm just wondering if it's worth it to try and fix this, I feel like he's broken it so thoroughly.


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Are you sure he has told them what is going on? My H has not told anyone what is happening between us. The one SIL I am in touch with knows because of me. I think it is just as well that no one is in touch, it lessens a lot of he said she said. And remember blood is thicker than water. Have a wonderful weekend inspite of.....


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Oh, I should have said, sorry. No, I don't think he has told them what's happening, at least not all of it. Not the worst parts. What he has told me is that he told them he has a drinking problem and has lied about where he's been and that "WE" decided he should move out for awhile. It's, like, a pile of b.s. dusted with the truth.

*sigh* New drama.

I just got a call from my grandparents - we're supposed to go up there for Father's Day weekend before leaving to Vegas with H's folks for three days. The GP's need to know our plans to buy tickets for my little cousins' dance performance this week. Soo... I think I have to contact him. I just want to use the car - I don't want him to come with. Other than renting a car, I don't really have a way of getting up there and back. I might be able to ride with my parents, but my Mom was going to try to come back Sunday (with me and H) instead of Monday, when she thinks my Dad will want to come back. If my Dad will come back Sunday, I can go with them, otherwise I leave my Mom stranded (she has to get back to be at work Monday morning or she's fired). What should I do? H knows we have these plans and hasn't mentioned them at all - I think we should talk about them. I'd like to know if I'm invited to Vegas still (I've never been), so I can decide whether or not I want to go. I just... he KNOWS we have these plans in two weeks! WHY isn't he talking to me about any of this??? Even just to be like, "Obviously, those are off." *sigh* Maybe that's why - maybe he feels it's so obvious, he doesn't need to? The thing is that communication is a huge issue for us, so it's another nail in the "he's not even trying" coffin.


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Second MC together tonight - we are taking a break from it so that H can go to IC and try to figure out what he wants and then we're supposed to reconvene in a few weeks. Our therapist wants me to go to IC, too... but what am I? Made of money? I know it's a good idea, I'm just so frustrated in general.

My main reason for updating is that I just got confirmation that I'm not going to Vegas with H's family in two weeks and I'm, like, way more disappointed than I expected to be, especially since I figured I wouldn't be going anymore anyway. I held it together until after H left after he dropped me off, but now I'm, like, sobbing about it.  I'm so sad. I'm disappointed to not go, and I've never been before, but it's not like no one ever goes there or I won't be able to go again. All I can think is that it represents the separation in a much more tangible way and maybe I was hoping we'd be on the road to R by then, instead of still stuck in limbo. I think it's one more concrete reminder of what's happening to us. 

So: sad.


----------

