# I wish I could love my wife the way she wants me to



## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

Im brand new to this site and found it extremely interesting and useful from what Ive read so far. to begin I have to say that this is extremely difficult for me mostly because I feel as if im betraying her or going behind her back by posting this. But I need advice and I dont feel that formal counseling would help. 

Ok, this mite be long so let me appologize in advance. To begin I met my wife in January of 2012, and got her preg by march of the same year. We were just starting to see eachother seriously and everything seemed fine as almost all relationships do on the begining. Once I heard the news I felt compelled to ask her to marry me because of the baby. I just felt that it was the rite thing to do. I was 28 witb a child from a previous marriage and she had 2 of her own from 2 other guys. I felt that we were adults and needed to own up to our responsibilities. She agreed and we seemed to be happy about it. First feeling that came over me was that besides trying to do the rite thing I should also be deeply in love with her and have had enough time to get to know her as a person before making such a bold decision. After a few months we found out that we had unfortunately lost the baby. She was absutely devasted as was I but I couldnt deny the fact that I strongly felt that it was an opportunity for us to do thing the "rite way". She was so upset that she begged me to promise her to try again immediatly. I did not want to at all but felt horrible telling her that because I didnt want her to think that I regreted it in the first place. My feelings for her were strong and it broke my heart to see her lime this. It felt hundreds of times worse to know that if I told her to take some major steps backwards that I would crush her even more. So I did what she wanted. Needless to say we got pregs again and everything with that sittuation went perfectly. during that time I moved her and my now 2 step sons in ages 10 and 6 and started out new life. As time went on we obviously began to learn more about eachother and thats when I started to realize that she was not the kind of person overall that I could see myself with. She had no control over her children mostly because her parents were the ones that did most of the care taking of the oldest boy and the youngest spent most of him time with his dad that she openly hates. The reason that she did not spend most of her time with her children is because she was pursuing a career in professional wrestling and was traveling from one city to another. From what she tells me this had been going on for close to four years. I did not agree with this but I was also not in the picture. iny opinion and standards of rasing children I thought that they were nothing close to how I would want them to be or should act according to their ages. But I am not the father and as she has made it very clear I was only a weekend dad and knew nothing. The excuse for it it all was that they are kids/boys and are supposed to be that way. I agreed in one sense but one the other hand children dont just wake up one day and say "ok I am an adult now amd will start acting like one". I tried to talk about postponing the wedding and she went absutely insane. I gave in again and we were married a weekend later just to get it over with. I did.t want to but she made it very clear how much iteant to her.

Another problem I ran into was her insane jealousy and damaged image of what men are like. From what she tells me her parents were very strict on her and took her to get her female parts checked until the age of 16. She also said that her father told her constantly that he had wished she was a boy and that his image of what a woman is physically should be blonde with long legs and a nice chest. My wife is opposite of that, she is brunette with gorgeously blue eyes, 5"5, has naturally thick muscular legs, DD breast size. Needless to say she is beyong gorgeous in my eyes and I would actually preffer her over that blonde image her dad told her about. Ive told her that countless times. But no matter what she felt as of it was only a matter of time before I would cheat. She left her parents house at 17 with both of her middle fingers up to the world and started living on her own as only a young girl in her shoes could. She was bartending, working at nightclubs and making under the table cash to get by. Also living with trash roomate after roomate getting invloved With the wrong crowd. She then got involved with some "wrestlers" and they promised her a career. I came to find out that it was notbing but an underground circle of scumbags and that she had done some fetisb videos wrestling in a very small bikini that was easily torn off. During this time she had already had her first child by aucb older man that she claims raped her...I later discovered for myself that it was all an entire lie. 
I hated questioning her story, but everytime she told her story some of it major details would change 
So I had to do it. Her excuse for doing the fetish videos was because she needed to support her family because the father of her second child was a huge abusive waste of a man. she tells me that the only reason she married him was because she wanted a father for her first son and that she lost her virginity to him in highschool so it was only rite. She also explained that while she was in the hospital after her "rape" he swore to her that he would love her and raise him as his own. She then had a baby with him because she tried to fix their marriage and wanted a companion for her first child. I appologize for the long post again especially of this is confusing but I have to get it offy chest some how. Anyway so obviously she has had a rough past when it comes to men amd I "for a while" was paying for it. It had gotten so bad that we had seperated during her 8th month of pregnancy. I felt absolutely horrible but the yelling and arguments were unbareable and affecting the kids. I just could not do it. I Continued to see her and support her while she was staying at her parents house. After she gave birth "I was very much a part of it" I took her back in and we began living together again. All seemed good but after a few months more of her past began to surface and show their true colors. A nasty argument toom place and I thought for sure we were done. I then took a breather and told myself that her past is there for a reason so leave it there. But at the same tims these were no white lies or even just a story of a young girl having fun and exploring herself. But anyway I held in there and swollowed it. 


Next issue is that she absolutely can NOT get over the fact that I was once married and had a child. She hates that she is not my first anything. To make matters worse my first wife is hispanic and for some reason she is so deeply in competition with hispanic and Black woman. before me she almost exclusively hung out with blacks and hispanics. her "reason" for this is because they were the only ones that accepted her because she was a "white girl" with a big butt and that the white guys and girls didnt like that. I myself am hispanic and grew up in the rougher parts of new Jersey were most of the population was of hispanic or African American decent. So because of that she fears that I preffer that type of woman over her. Being tgat my first wife is hispanic she is now in a secret death chess game with my ex. She feels that ever move or every phone call or text is a diabolical plan to steal me back NOT because she wants me but because hispanic and black woman like my wife do that kind of stuff just because. She also claims that my ex wife is a leech and only wants me because I have a career now especially since my ex wife 
just broke up with her husband amd has moved back to her motbers house whicb is only an hour and a half away from me. I DO NOT have a hateful relationship with my ex simply because I do not hold grudges.
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

Omg I cant believe I ran out of space...sooo soo sorry....as I was saying though, I doNT have a hateful relationship with my ex because I dont hold grudges "she cheated o.e with my best friend and got pregnant." But also because we have a son involved and its not healthy. She openly speaks of horrible things about her sons father in front of him and the damage is being done. She has started lying about my boy saying that hes been telling her that my son and hers get together and talk about how he wants to break us up so ii can get withback with his mom. I know its a lie because her son told me. The lie she made up was pretty elaborate. It seems as if she wants me to go to my exwife and completely crush her and stop her dead in her tracks and shout at the top of my lungs how much I love her. This is rediculous. There are a lot more details to this but ive already said to much.

Bottom line to all of this is that she is beyond faithful and does everytbing she feels she needs to do to keep me happy. It seems as if she just needs and has only ever needed to be loved. But because of all of this I cant bring myself to it. Since our last big argument a few months back we have had no issues....well non that I felt like bringing up. Shes also laid off the jealousy. Her main issues now are with my ex wife and any woman in general actually. She cannot stop talking crap about other woman and if she xoes compliment them its neutralized by a very nagative comment. She also will not listen to me wn I tell her that I find her to be extremely physically attractive.......but I have no desire to have se. x with her because of how she is, not the wAy she looks.
Iour conversations suck. We cannot talk about anythi.g without it becoming a debate about womans bodys or how stupid people are and how they cheat or dont value relationships. She very unrealistic and we are flat broke and can barely handle the children we do have but she is wanting me to promis her a little girl. I dont know what to do. Shes faitful and triex to keep me happy but I in a way cant stand her, the way she thi.ks, liez and acts like a complete defensless victim. She is never wrong and always has a huve elaborate story,excuse,or explanation for why things are the way they at home. .....if I leave her then she will be a si.gle mother of 3 kids from 3 different dads with no way of supporting herself. I love the BAby I had with her and it breaks my heart to think of not being there for him the was I want. I also love my step so.s but to be honest im not proud of how they are being raised and feel powerless to change anything about it. .....please what should I do.
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

Sorry about all the typos but I had to do this on my cell phone cause my work computers are filtered and wont let me log on and there is just no way in hell I can do this at home. As I said earlier there are tons more details and a lot of things I left out and did not mention. I dont want to leave cause I feel that if I do I am giving up as a husband, dad,father and as a man. But I feel strongly that these are personal issue that I cannot change. These are atrributes that make her who she is. she does try to do things for my physically and around the home and is loyal and faitbful. Most peoe I have spoken to say that is all they need but I think this is much more complicated.
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

One more thing to clear up. I did say that I do not want to have sex with my wife because of how she is. I DO think she is extremely physically attractive but still have no drive. I do not in any way want someone else ,have someone else or think of anyone else. She doesnt understand tbis....does anyone else not understand or if you do please let me know. I rarely what porn or masterbate. I just dont have it in me because of this sittuation.. I do not have a low test count, I am just messed up by all of this. Sex between her and I has become pitty just to keep her happy....which makes it worse. She thinks that by me wanting her in that was is the epitamy of how a man shows he is still interested. This turns me off in a woman.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ODA83 said:


> Sex between her and I has become pitty just to keep her happy....which makes it worse.



I can understand why you don't want to have sex with your wife as you are in a crazy situation. You have pulled back emotionally. Sex in marriage is an emotional act as much as a physcial one.



ODA83 said:


> She thinks that by me wanting her in that was is the epitamy of how a man shows he is still interested. This turns me off in a woman.



I do not get what you are saying here. Are you saying that it turns you off that she thinks that having sex with her shows that you care for her and love her? Why would that turn you off?

99.999% of the men here say that sex with their wife is how they express love of their wife. That it's very emotional. Are you saying that it's just a physical act to you? Please clarify.


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I can understand why you don't want to have sex with your wife as you are in a crazy situation. You have pulled back emotionally. Sex in marriage is an emotional act as much as a physcial one.
> 
> 
> Ok... To clarify seriously am flattered that my wife wants me so bad sexually as much as she does. But on the other hand I feel that its no longer about her wanting me, its more about her feeling or proving to her that I love her by having sex with ther. Lets just forget about everything else I do for her and out family, how I set aside time for us, go on special dates, take the kids out for special event etc. it seems as if sex alone is what makes her feel good about herself. Im not a shrink in any way, but to me it seems like a self esteem issue. I tell her over and over that if I wanted her only for sex I would hqve never taken her seriously to begin with...I dont express my love for her only by way of sex. Its is NOT a physical thing for at all. Its actually EXTREMELY emotional which is why its hard now for me to go through with it. I find it very unattractive in a woman today to gauge her worth through sex alone. As much as she talks about her own and everyone elses physical attributes and how she wants nothing more than for me to tear her cloths off every chance I get because of how she looks tells me that she cares too much about it. Im complete opposite. See my wife struggle hard to manage our finances, maintain a job, properly take care of our children and home is what would make me want to tear her cloths off. im not at ALL a shovenist, I just want a strong mature woman.
> ...


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ODA83 said:


> ...


Are you having problems posting?


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Are you having problems posting?



yes I am having trouble posting. My phone is a pain to work through. But either way im busted. My email account is synced to my phone and when ever I get a reply to this post I get an email about it. Well she snooped through my fone "typical" and followed the link and read the entire post. So at 2am I was woken up to talk about divorce.....it went suprisingly well....no yelling just straight foward truth and to the point facts. It breaks my heart because after all this time I realize now that she was always my best friend more so than my wife. I feel as if I destroyed my own best friends life. But truth is that it was never write to begin with....I feel that I will be a better part of this entire families life as a close friend and father to the child we have rather than a husband that never felt rite about it to begin with and feels "stuck" ...next issue now though is that she doesnt want to get an actual legal divorce...she wants to stay married on paper so that my financial sittuation will be able to help her. She told me that shes met and talked to couples that stay that way for the sake of the children, stay as good frinds but continue on as individuals.....I want to help her through out life but am unsure about how I feel about this. Is it healthy or even safe. I am in the military and am afraid that after so many years of being legally married she is automatically entittled to half of everything I am....I am afraid that even as friends she will eventually get remarried and start her new life with a new man with half of my entitlements. I dont care if you finds someone else at all....
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

call me greedy or selfish, but I dont think its finacially smart to do this. She starts a new life with a man and they both automatically have retirement pention and all that other stuff added to what the new guy brings in and I on the otber hand start off with a handicap.....its not an easy or cheap world out there.
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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How old are both of you?
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

richie33 said:


> How old are both of you?
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We r both 30, we have an her ywo boys are 11,7. My one from my previous is 5 and the one we have together is 1
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ODA83 said:


> She was bartending, working at nightclubs and making under the table cash to get by.


ODA, please forgive me if I'm too intrusive but what does "under the table cash" mean? Are you referring to lap dances or prostitution?


> She then got involved with some "wrestlers".... I came to find out that it was nothing but an underground circle of scumbags and that she had done some fetish videos wrestling in a very small bikini that was easily torn off.


Are you saying she was making soft-porn videos for the four years she did "wrestling"? And, for that, she was willing to leave her ex and her parents to raise her two kids without her?


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

Uptown said:


> ODA, please forgive me if I'm too intrusive but what does "under the table cash" mean? Are you referring to lap dances or prostitution?Are you saying she was making soft-porn videos for the four years she did "wrestling"? And, for that, she was willing to leave her ex and her parents to raise her two kids without her?


No way!! No prostitution in anyway. Under the table money for meeans cash in hand at the end of the night. No paycheck stubs etc. she did not do videos for 4 years, she did only few when she first ran into these wrestlers while living out of state with her then husband. eventually she did run into legit real deal stars that trained her for the for years o spoke of. Its real, some big name stars tgat I have watched on TV have called my house themselves. It was rough for her, she did have a shot at something like tgat and tried to stick it out but something like that takes a toll on family.
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## latinaqueen (Feb 16, 2013)

wow ,so she left her childern full time w her ex she hates?So you feel shes a bad mother? I have to ask though it seems as though other then her being a "snoop" you dont have much to say of right now. you speak of her past which was before you as im sure you have apast before her. Do you think maybe being married is hard for you ? My ex husband had a hard time with this so he cheated. But he saw a therapist and is now remarried and is loya and happyl.Im not saying you have cheated but you sure seem to have no real reason to leave unless you want a woman without a past dont wee all have colored past?Maybe some more then others but really at this age "you say your both 30" your not gonna maybe a perfect angel or virgin. Now you say you love her and shes your bestfriend? Maybe you should talk to a therapist perhaps both of of you , she has deep rooted issues but it sounds as though so doas well you arent sharing? Are you both from broken homes as well? You seem to be seeking aproval to do what feels wrong to do to her and your family, so before you make a mistake you cant take back. I see these forms as a venting route not an anwser. Because we are all in some kind of "love" relationship trouble so who are we to really give you advise? All I see coming from all you've shared is a room full of people judging a woman when we only know what you want us to know , and giving you advise only based on these things you state being of which of us should cast a stone?As far as now what does she do? Can it be worked on? Do you feel shes worth working on it? Do you think you and your past may have something to do with thinking she isnt "right" for you . Marriage isnt easy . But If she found these forms I bet you felt a weight off your chest when you talked , if you love her and she is worth it I think you should step back look at the big picture then speak openly with your wife. You dont want ,shoulda woulda or maybes. If its over and you dont feel shes a good person or worth the effort then aleast for the sake of your kids talk everything over and agree to disagree and part ways and so the kids are left pulled apart. AGain Im not a therapist! just a unlucky lady whos been though alot as well and I really am not looking for you to anwser all I asked just for your own thought!


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

latinaqueen said:


> wow ,so she left her childern full time w her ex she hates? I have to ask though it seems as though other then her being a "snoop" you dont have much to say of right now. you speak of her past which was before you as im sure you have apast before her, only you seem to want to share her. do you think maybe being married is hard for you ? My ex husband had a hard time with this so he cheated. But he saw a doctor and is now remarried and is loyal.Im not saying you have cheated but you sure seem to have no real reason to leave, you say you love her and shes your bestfriend? Maybe you should talk to a doctor both of you , she has deep rooted issues but it sounds as though so do you seeking aproval to do what feels wrong to do to her and your family. so before you make a mistake you cant take back. I see these forms as a venting route not an anwser. Because we are all in some kind of "love" trouble so who are we to really give you advise? All i see coming from all youve shared is a room full of people judging a woman who cant defend herself , and giving you advise only based on these things you state being of which of us should cast a stone?



You put that very well. Yes I do admit that being married and a step dad to grown children has been one of the hardest things ive ever encountered in my life. I did vent about her past and do understand that it all happened before me. we are both very loyal to eachother and try to do what we feel and think is rite for the family. Its just hard and ive never delt with anything like this. As I stated in the very begining I felt bad for talking about my issues with her on the forum because I felt as if I was betraying her. Since she already knows ive no longer felt it was necessary to get on the forum to get advice. I admit I was wrong for venting about her. I feel deeply sorry and terrible in fact. I do love her amd she is my best friend. Our issues are not completely gone but we have agreed to approach them respectfully and maturely.
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## latinaqueen (Feb 16, 2013)

well good luck !!! whatever road you take i hope its well thought out and right .


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Borderline Personality Disorder.

$20 bucks.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ODA, I agree with DvlsAdv8 that many behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Specifically, the blame-shifting, always being "The Victim," temper tantrums, "insane jealousy," and risky behavior (e.g., doing the fetish videos) are some of the symptoms of BPD. 

This is why, last February, I asked about the nature of the fetish videos and "under-table cash." Studies have found a strong incidence of BPD in women working in the sex industry (e.g., stripping, which is what your W did on video when her bathing suit was torn away). One study, for example, found that 55% of strippers had full-blown BPD. See If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now :: Catholic News Agency.

If your description of your W is accurate, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the children are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read more about BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar.

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong that they undermine one's ability to sustain close long term relationships. At issue, then, is NOT whether your W exhibits the nine traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, the issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can easily learn how to spot all nine of the warning signs (i.e., strong occurrences of the traits). There is nothing subtle about red flags such as temper tantrums, inability to trust, and low self esteem.

An easy place to start reading about BPD traits is my description of them in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, ODA.


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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

OMG!! So I read up on this BPD and its to the T in an almost extreme level in every step..problem with that is if I suggest she go get checked for it she will deny it by asking me if its me NOT her that should get checked. although I havnt asked about going to be seen for this I have suggested things and it always turned around on me. Counseling, theropy, meds etc... Ive read a few books since ive last posted mainly the Divorce Busting book which the 180 approach is explained and the No More Mr Nice guy. When I showed her what I was reading she looked at is as me trying to change me and finally start trying to see things her way. Its the same when we go to church..she has been reading books herself but the ones she reads talk about how men fail because of their upbringing or their lack of communication...shes read to me out loud and it was always something about how the auther "a male" made countless mistakes in the past and has finally fixed himself and is now finally in a loving relationship and can see and appreciate the woman God has given him..it seems as if she only looks for this kind of information. Its the same thing with the movies she wants to watch with me...the man is always a complete idiot on the verge of completely destroying his marriage and life and then has some kind of epiphany..I am by FAR not perfect and have contributed to the disfunction as well, heck I even fit some of the BPS description..I am extremely hard on myself because of my phobia of failure, I also put myself so mucb aside that I completly loose who I am, what my goals in life are and so on. Ive done this in almost all my relationships whicb has always been disasterus. In ever relationship I have allowed myself to become grossly out of shape, in ridiculous debt and my work/school work ethics have also suffered to the point of possibly getting fired or quiting because I have tried to please my significant others needs. I know this and try to stick to neutral self help material..either way I dont have the patience PhD or credentials to cure this. As her husband I know it is my duty and responsibility to stick by her "for better or worse" but in my time with her I know this sittuation is beyond worse and ONLY getting worse..doesnt help when the people she talks to only get her side of the story or hear her talk about NOT the person she is but the one she wishes she was or imagines herself as..all that does is fuel her fire..
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## ODA83 (Feb 15, 2013)

Wow! So in an attempt to leave stone unturned I referred her to a Web site on BPD, I told her specifically that it is something that we should BOTH look into..She responded by asking me if I was telling people/using it as an excuse that this disorder is why I am leaving her...again because I have no "real" reason to leave her. She then referred me to a site thats speaks of a "people pleasing disorder" ..it pretty much says that people with this take themselves out of the equation no matter what they want or feel and do what ever they can do gain outside approval. Again she only looks for material that defends her story. Knowing my wife as only I do, I know that what she is trying to tell me is that she has gone so far and beyond to do what I want to the point that she has a disease. Actually she has been trying to please everyone throughout her life in this way...so in short she has done nothing but give more than what is possible all her life and feels like she has been treated like a doormat in return...man how delusional can someone be? Shes only gone above and beyond for me by way of sex and showing loyalty in such ways that it fueled her jealousy and obsessiveness. Everything else (everything else thats important) has never been a focus, a second thought or whatever else. 
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The question is whar are you going to do? What happened to the divorce idea?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ODA83 said:


> If I suggest she go get checked for it she will deny it by asking me if its me NOT her that should get checked.


ODA, at all the websites devoted to BPD issues, the conventional wisdom is to NOT tell your spouse that you suspect she has strong BPD traits. As you fear, a BPDer almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you. And, because projection works entirely at the subconscious level (to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality), her conscious mind will believe the projection to be real. A BPDer therefore is highly likely to believe that YOU are the one suffering strong BPD traits.


> I don't have the patience PhD or credentials to cure this.


It wouldn't matter if you did. One reason is that there is no known cure for BPD. Because it is not a disease, _there is no disease to cure_. Another reason is that a team of PhD psychologists cannot help a BPDer unless she strongly wants to confront her issues and learn how to control them. A third reason is that, even if you know all the right things to say, it is extremely unlikely that a BPDer is capable of trusting you long enough to actually believe what you are advising. Instead, she will feel that you are only trying to control her and invalidate her feelings.


> As her husband I know it is my duty and responsibility to stick by her "for better or worse."


"For better or worse," yes. But nobody agreed to staying "through abuse, vindictiveness, and frequent temper tantrums" which she can learn to control if she will only choose to do so. If you are married to BPDer, you are married to a woman having the emotional development of a 3 or 4 year old child. This means you have a parent/child relationship, not a husband/wife relationship. 

Hence, if you continue coddling her and walking on eggshells, you will harm her by destroying her opportunities to be forced to confront her issues and learn how to manage them. This is why it is so important that she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior and bad choices. Doing so requires that you establish strong personal boundaries -- and that you enforce those boundaries when they are violated.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

btw... somebody owes me $20.


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