# Conflicting goals--wife threatening separation.



## rutab (Aug 24, 2009)

I feel really alone right now. I found this forum by accident and figured I might as well try something. I can't talk to family or my wife, and can't afford counseling...this really is eating me up...anyway,

My wife and I are in our mid 20s. We moved for me to attend grad school, but for various reasons I did not finish. My wife supported my decision and we have since moved. We have both secured respectable jobs and have even begun searching for a home.

The problem is, after my terrible last year, I feel I have a MUCH better idea of what I want from a career and education. I would like to take some night classes, but eventually, in 2 to 3 years I would have to attend school full time again.

Unfortunately, my wife does not support the goal at all. She will ask me to move out if I take any classes.

She has told me she felt I have had control of the relationship for the past three years. She had savings before we met, but I had to live abroad for a part of a year and I went to grad school for a year. She has told me that it was her choice to do these things with me, but I know it has set her back over a year. Her main goal in life is to be a homeowner before age 30.

I definitely want to be with my wife and I also share that goal. But my goal of going back to school in a few years compromises that for my wife.

The financial aspect I can understand, although I would not pay tuition, would have a secured, fairly generous stipend, and would work part time. I understand it is something to work around and compromise on, but my wife has drawn the line.

My wife told me she is reconsidering spending her life with me. That dealt a huge blow to me. I have quite a few regrets, but the one I don't have was marrying my wife.

She says we're in different places right now. She wants to separate, and cannot trust me financially. She feels like she has been supporting me since our relationship began. She feels betrayed right now, because we married after I finished my degree and thought it was time for the jobs and house.

All I feel right now is guilt. I feel like a terrible husband. I feel worthless and selfish. The last year was rough for me, but I really felt things were going well with our new life. I wish I could just turn a switch, but it is hard to release a goal that I have been thinking about for a while and one that is important to me. I thought we were compromising.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

So, your wife wants to settle in a permanent location and buy a house and feels your grad school will inhibit that goal? You said the finances aren't the problem, so there must be something bigger. Is she frustrated by your lack of committment, since you quit school before? Is she afraid you won't find a better job after grad school? Have you been controlling in other areas of your marriage? Compromise is key to any marriage. Good luck.


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## rutab (Aug 24, 2009)

Thanks for the reply.

I think you nailed it on the head with lack of commitment. It feels like I need to build trust that was never there to begin with, but initially I thought was. Finances are an issue, of course, but I guess more of a symptom of the problem than the cause for her.

I do realize I have some personal issue to deal with. This is the first time it has caused a problem in our relationship, however. It is tough for me--my decisions have never directly affected anybody buy myself.

Self-admittedly, I was being selfish. We have a good relationship, though, and in terms of typical relationship problems, I thought the school thing was small. I was wrong, however. This is honestly the first time I learned she didn't have control in our relationship. I really did think we were equitable in our time and effort, but apparently it was not.

As we do move into more serious things like home-ownership, I am learning much about marriage.

I am optimistic we'll do ok. I need to thank this forum, though. Just lurking has given me plenty to think about, and I can see there are plenty of wise people here .


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