# Sad and depressed don't know what to do



## sad and depressed (Nov 19, 2015)

Hi All Please help and advice.

My wife if 15 years younger then me - we have been married 23 years mostly happy but the last couple of years everything seems to have changed.

She is impossible to talk with - I know she has some problems but will not tell me. Whenever I try to talk her she says I talk to much and asking to much. I have tried to say nothing hoping she will share the problems but then nothing.

I try and keep calm and not angry but sometimes its so difficult.

She has got involved with the wrong people I am sure - Has huge gambling debts that I am trying to sort out and may even have to sell our house to pay them off, otherwise she could go jail.

I am sure she has a boyfriend who is much younger than her again she will not talk about it or admit it I have no real proof except have seen some face book pics of them together. I have tried to ask about it, but again no response.

Sometimes she disappears for 2-3 days - I'm sure she is out with him but I don;t know. Will not answer my calls just sometime a text.

I know she lies to me a lot Will never tell me where she is going or who with.

On the few times she will talk with me everything is my fault - Because I ask and talk to much she says.

I am a faithful husband and love her so much and would do anything for her but I get depressed and so sad always along for days just talking the dog lol.

Have even tried suicide a few times when really low - I have no one close to I can talk with.

I have given here everything she wanted, full access my bank accounts that she has emptied.

Any advice please. Don't say leave her because I never would.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry that you are in this place, S&D you have to take control back in your marriage. In fact I think your ww has already left the marriage and used you in the process so it may not be a matter of whether you have a choice about leaving her, she already has left and used your money to do it!

1. Find out for definite what she is doing, where does she go for 2-3 days? This is breaking the boundaries of the marriage and you have a right to know. Confront her and read the royal act. You sound like you are walking on egg shells instead of being the leader of the home. Take back your power!

2. get a PI to follow her and VAR her car and the house to see if you can pick up anything
3. Does she have her own money or relies on you financially? If she relies on you financially, withdraw her financing. Close bank account, switch to individual, cancel credit cards etc. If she wants to act like teenager, treat her like one, no need to give her a warning, she hasn't any respect for you at all.

4 Go to a lawyer and see what your options are. File for divorce before she does. Otherwise you may become liable for alot of things/debts you do not know about.

5. Let her go to jail, your wife needs to feel the consequences of her actions, you are acting more like her father than a H! People like your WW wil not change till they are confronted with the consequences of their own actions. It will be the best gift you give to her. If you keep bailing her out, you are enabling her and she will not be able to change.

Now is the time to put a stop to this, you cannot control her actions, but you can control how you respond, be decisive and refuse to get drawn into her mess. Detach, detach, detach.


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## sad and depressed (Nov 19, 2015)

Thank you for your advice.

Divorce is not an option we are Catholics. Yes I am the sole financial support - she does not work. I have already cancelled her credit cards and made our accounts joint signing.

I am not a weak person but so much in love still with her and always ready to forgive and forget and move on. I don't know if you are married or have been in love but its not easy to just break long standing ties of over 20 years.

I admit I don't want to move on - It scares me to be alone to be honest.

I have considered a Vehicle tracking GPS system and looking into this already for her car.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sad and depressed said:


> Hi All Please help and advice.
> 
> My wife if 15 years younger then me - we have been married 23 years mostly happy but the last couple of years everything seems to have changed.
> 
> ...


Don't leave her.

She's gone for 2-3 days at a time?

TELL HER TO GET THE F#CK OUT.

Sounds like she doesn't want to be there anyway.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Lets see my man, she has a boyfriend she's fu-king and may go to jail if you don't sell your house to pay off her gambling debts. Whatjew gonna do next time when you don't have a house to sell. Of course she can still bang the boyfriend after the house is gone. You sound like one of these guys who thinks its ok to be played for a fool and love is suppose to hurt. Get that shyt out of your head.
First thing up to get over the depression is to accept the fact that this vampire is a lousy wife, and doesn't give a rats azz about you and probably gets off watching you squirm around picking up after her and cleaning up her mess. I'm sure your Catholicism means a lot to her when she's banging her boyfriend. Besides, isn't her actions justifiable reason for annulment? 
If you can manage not to off yourself because you've discovered men that would make two of both you and me couldn't please her, do you think your life could possibly be worse if you ditched her. Let her do her time for the gambling debts and help her out by renting her an apartment for six month when she gets paroled. When you've got a tiger by the tail sometimes its best to just turn it loose.
If you can manage not to off yourself because you've discovered men that would make two of both you and me couldn't please her, do you think your life could possibly be worse if you ditched her. Let her do her time for the gambling debts and help her out by renting her an apartment for six month when she gets paroled. When you've got a tiger by the tail sometimes its best to just turn it loose.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

That's a very long time to be together. I've been with my H for 25 years. That's all of my adult life! I know how hard it is in so many different ways, I truly do :frown2:

From what you're describing your W has some very serious problems & you are enabling her. I know it's hard to hear. I have no doubt that you love your wife very, very much but you are making HUGE mistakes. If you love her this much you need to risk loosing her to save her!! She can't carry-on just sinking deeper & deeper into this self-destructive abyss! 

I know that you are acting out of love & honoring your marriage vows but she needs a wake-up call!! Have you asked your church for help? She needs therapy! She is so out of control. Please STOP enabling her. You are BOTH headed for disaster. You're killing your marriage with kindness.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Go talk to a priest, and tell him your story. I bet he would support divorce in this case. And if he doesn't, divorce her sorry azz any ways,


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The marriage can't be saved by one partner. If your shielding her from consequences of her action, you're just enabling her wh0ring. You keep bailing her out and she acts out like a rebellious teenager. The more you shelter her the more she rebels. You suffer and POS gets his own personal free prostitute. 

Your wife needs consequences. Why you would want to be her plan b is beyond me. That long history together means a lot to you but means absolutely nothing to her. You've been so emasculated by her for years that you've forgotten what it's like to be in a real relationship. The bible clearly allows divorce in the case of infidelity.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

S & D ~
I know you are Catholic but I truly feel Pope Francis would understand your deep unhappiness. Your wife is the one who must answer to God, not you. I know you still love her but is she acting loving in return? Is she respecting you or the Sacrament of Marriage? I am sorry to say but you should consider leaving her.
VH


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

There is nothing we can do for you here, except to ask that you not take your own life.

You are co-dependent, mentally and emotionally abused, and until you start to value the life God gave you, we are helpless.

Please go talk to your priest and see if he can guide you to healthiness.

You are in my prayers my friend.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

aine said:


> 5. Let her go to jail, your wife needs to feel the consequences of her actions, you are acting more like her father than a H! People like your WW will not change till they are confronted with the consequences of their own actions. It will be the best gift you give to her. If you keep bailing her out, you are enabling her and she will not be able to change.
> 
> Now is the time to put a stop to this, you cannot control her actions, but you can control how you respond, be decisive and refuse to get drawn into her mess. Detach, detach, detach.


This! :iagree:

Tough love now. You gotta do it.

BTW, she isn't acting or practicing her Catholic faith by repeatedly cheating on you and emptying your bank accounts. Seems like marriage doesn't mean much to her, God neither. 

Stand up for yourself and Him.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

sad and depressed said:


> Thank you for your advice.
> 
> *Divorce is not an option we are Catholics.* Yes I am the sole financial support - she does not work. I have already cancelled her credit cards and made our accounts joint signing.
> 
> ...


I'm very sorry to have you here :frown2: It sounds like you're in a very bad spot. Financial infidelity is in some ways just as serious as physical infidelity.

I was raised Catholic and divorce is an option in certain cases; annulments exist for a reason; talk to your priest. There are also methods for divorcing, and maintaining the sacrament--no dating, sleeping with other women, etc (that would still be cheating, even after a divorce). If you need someone else to talk to about this, I'd be glad to discuss, and I'm sure some other TAM members would as well.

You need to do the following: close all accounts, create new ones. Your finances need to be in order. Then, tell her she's getting a job (to pay off her debts). While this is going on, go to your priest, talk to him. If you're worried she'll find out, go to the nearest parish you aren't a member of, and talk to the priest there. You may want to talk to a couple of priests about this for more than one perspective. 

You have some reading to do. Start with the newbie thread and the standard evidence post.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Kivlor is quite right. The Church certainly does permit civil divorce. What it does not allow is *remarriage*, unless the first marriage can be annulled.

In this case, where your wife is not only blatantly cheating on you but is incurring massive gambling debts that could cause you to lose your house, divorce should absolutely be on the table. Talk to a layer already.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sad and depressed said:


> Any advice please. Don't say leave her because I never would.


That's like a cancer patient asking his doctor how to survive cancer; and telling him - "but please, don't suggest chemo, radiation or pills. I would never do that".

Your wife is the cancer. Divorce is the cure.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes man... You're saying that you won't divorce her, you are already confident that she is cheating on you, that she treats you like dirt and disappears for days at a time, but again you are still unwilling to kick her out.

I don't say this to be rude/mean, but you might want to do some research on "cuckold" lifestyles.

Otherwise if you want this to stop, you have to at least be WILLING to let her go. I know you said you don't want to divorce her, and maybe you don't have to. You could just make it clear that you aren't going to put up with any of this behavior any longer, and take steps to make sure that she can't continue that behavior while continuing to use you. She'll either divorce you (leaving you off the hook, because you aren't the one who filed for divorce, she did) or maybe wake up and find some respect for you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sad and depressed said:


> She has got involved with the wrong people I am sure - Has huge gambling debts that I am trying to sort out and may even have to sell our house to pay them off, *otherwise she could go jail.*


Let her go to jail.

Why are you trying to "fix" her problems for her? She is a grown woman who is having an affair, yet you want to fix it all. Do you really think this will solve anything? It will only financially ruin you, and she'll go right back out and rack up more gambling debt.

You need to speak with your parish priest and divorce this woman -- for no other reason than to protect yourself legally and financially.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you still having sex with this woman?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can't be helped. 

Because you can't help yourself. All you're doing is making excuses.

If you're going to take this then why complain about it?????

A blind man could see this. Once all your money is gone she will be too. 

Why wait on a bad ending?????????


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## sad and depressed (Nov 19, 2015)

Hi ALL

Thanks everyone for their advice. I am still working on things and trying to see the best way forward for myself.

Lots to consider - I am going to try and nail her down once and for all to get some sense of reasoning and what we are going to do.

Will let everyone knwo soon what the final out come is. 

Thanks


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

sad and depressed said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Lots to consider - I am going to try and nail her down once and for all to get some sense of reasoning and what we are going to do.
> 
> Thanks


I think we know Dawg. You're going to be older than you are now and deeper in debt. Some cats never learn. They continue to have this grandiose perception of themselves that because some lucky damsel in distress has captured their love, they are going to work their magic, slay all the dragons, and save the object of their affection from the world. (and make her love you)
Let us know how it works for you my man. If you're successful, you'll be the first. Check out the homeless shelters around your neck of the woods. I have a feeling you're going to need it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

sad and depressed said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Thanks everyone for their advice. I am still working on things and trying to see the best way forward for myself.
> 
> ...


I don't think you get it.

There is no we!!!!

You have to do it. The Calvary isn't coming you need to take control of your life here. Cmon, you can't not see this!!!!


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

sad and depressed said:


> ...Divorce is not an option we are Catholics...


Sad - I don't know if you realize that divorce in and of itself is not a sin in the Catholic Church. It's only if you try to remarry that your situation becomes problematic. Besides, the Vatican has been mulling over the issue of giving Communion to divorced and remarried Catholics. If you decide to divorce, you can always talk to a priest to begin the process of annulment.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, how old are you and your wife? You said that you will soon lose your house to her gambling debts. You also said that she has no job. Do you have any children?

Your marriage is already over. There is nothing to save. She is having a good time gambling, having a boyfriend outside your marriage, and have you pick up her tab. Why aren't you worried about yourself psychologically and financially? You are ruined in both directions.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

1) Cut off any financial assistance to her.
2) Next time she leaves change the locks
3) Visit a Divorce Lawyer and get some advice on how a divorce will shake out for you
4) Do not sell the house
5) Let her go to jail.

I get that you do not want to Divorce but that option might very well be taken out of your hands by her choosing. It sounds at present she is only with you for the money and security you provide.

Once the house is gone and your money dries up cause you will reach a point where you wont be able to finance all her debts and your credit is tapped out i suspect wife will be leaving you also.

Best to act now in your best interests.

So sorry you are here. Your wife has no respect for you of whatsoever


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