# Fellow married men... ever been tempted to leave?



## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Not sure if this is the best forum for this, but was wondering if any men have ever been tempted to end a marriage, because of new feelings you start having for another person?

A little background... I've been married for over 12 years. We have no kids. My wife is an absolute sweetheart and she is very good to me. However, our sex life is terrible. To be honest we've had a nearly sex-free marriage for almost as long as we've been together. The past few years it's probably 4-5x per year. We've discussed this issue but it never seems to help. At any rate I think the bigger issue is that we are more like great friends/roomates than a couple "in love", I think. I do find my wife to be very pretty but to be honest there has never been a lot of physical chemistry between us. I don't think she is particularly physically attracted to me, and she seems like she would be perfectly fine if I never initiated sex at all. She does love me I think, I make her laugh and try my best to be a good partner.

So anyway recently I met another woman through work, and the feelings I have for her hit me like a ton of bricks. It's complete and total attraction in every way. I've always worked with a lot of women so it's not like I'm falling for every beautiful woman I meet. But I have never experienced feelings like this. 

She knows I am married of course (she is single). I am almost certain the attraction is mutual but of course I could be misreading things. We never act inappropriately and I've never told her my feelings. Regardless, the feelings I am having are making me doubt my marriage. Even if this woman did not share my feelings for her... the fact that I am feeling this way, when I never felt anything like this for my wife, has me doubting pretty much everything at this point. I am starting to wonder if my wife and I are really just friends at this point, and if maybe that's what we were meant to be. I also know this could just be a stupid crush, that the rush I am feeling now will eventually fade, and that jeopardizing my marriage over it could be supremely ridiculous.

I guess I'm just asking if any other guys have had a similar experience after many years of marriage, and if you've ever made a decision you regretted (whether you chose to end your marriage, or whether you decided to stay and try to make things work). I'm not asking about cheating - I would never cheat on my wife, she is a great person and doesn't deserve it. And I kind of hate the cliche of "I love my wife but I'm not IN LOVE with her", but that is how I am feeling these days. I often feel that might be how my wife feels about me as well.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

marriage is full of temptations. Most guys think with their big head instead of the little one. 

Have you tried sitting her down and telling her the years of sexless marriage are taking its toll on you, and you are thinking of leaving the marriage? get her take on it. see if she is willing to try for more sex, maybe get hormone treatment?

If the problem is you never were physically attracted to her....that sounds like YOUR problem. Why the heck did u marry her?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I left largely because of a long-term sexless marriage, not because I was attracted to someone else in particular. I had tried my best to improve the situation, to no avail, so by the time I left I was confident and guilt-free in my decision.

And it was the best decision I've ever made.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I am a woman replying, Im wondering why you married in the first place if there was no sex to begin with? Are you only attracted to this woman because you are 'sexually' attracted to her? If your wife is as great as you make her sound, why would you want to jepordize that? Have you suggested that you guys go to counseling? Sex is very important in a relationship!


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You need to tell your wife you are thinking of ending the marriage. She can't work on anything if she doesn't know you are at your absolute end. It's not fair to her. 

Why did you marry her if you weren't attracted to her? Are you just saying that now because you are in a "fog' of sorts for this new woman? 

Sit your wife down, tell her she has x amount of time to start trying to increase the sex/intimacy in the relationship or you're gone. That will give her a fair chance at trying.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

What I'm reading is that there was never any physical chemistry between you two. I can understand a couple marrying bc the woman is pregnant and they want to be married for the sake of kids, but I don't understand marrying when there was no connection to begin with. There are ways you can spice things up, you both just have to be willing to step outside the box. Maybe you guys can start implementing routine staycations? When hubby and I get away from house, work, kids, it's like we're that couple without a care in the world again.

I know you say you'd never cheat, but I'm sure thousands have said that, and temptation got the best of them. Communicate, she may say something that surprises you, something you didn't know about her. Maybe she feels the same way about you and you are both just to afraid to tell each other.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I think we got married because we had dated for quite a long time and that was the next logical step. We also got along great - we always have. Lots of other reasons too... my family absolutely loved her, they thought I was an idiot for not proposing sooner. She is very kind and sweet and I guess I managed to ignore the lack of physical chemistry... I convinced myself it wasn't as important as finding someone kind, good-hearted, etc. I think she felt the same about me and we have mostly had a good relationship in spite of our meager sex life. We enjoy each other's company, share a lot of interests, and don't argue often. But feeling intense attraction for someone else makes me wonder if we both have just been keeping our true feelings under the surface, trying to ignore the elephant in the room. Which is our lack of physical intimacy/attraction.

I'm not sure what my next play should be. I guess an honest conversation with my wife is in order. I don't want to hurt her but I think there is a sense that there has long been a lot being left unsaid between us, just under the surface of our outwardly "happy" marriage.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

4thand11 said:


> I'm not sure what my next play should be. I guess an honest conversation with my wife is in order. I don't want to hurt her but I think there is a sense that there has long been a lot being left unsaid between us, just under the surface of our outwardly "happy" marriage.


Trust me, this conversation will hurt a lot less than you just getting up and leaving her and she not understanding why. 

Maybe she feels the same, maybe not. It's a shame that people are afraid to be honest for hurting feelings. There is a way that you can say it that won't be rude. Her feelings may still be hurt, but that is totally up to her. You have to say what you need to say and do what you need to do to be happy in your relationship. 

She doesn't necessarily need to know about the other woman, though you should throw in there that you are noticing women more and you are longing for that type of feeling more. 

The problem here is that you now work with this other woman. You will see her and talk to her. So, I am wondering if it's too late and your wife never got a chance. She is going to be hurt. It seems she was never really sexual with you, but you married her anyway. She is likely to be hurt deeply by you leaving. She may not even understand it because you married her knowing she didn't have sex a lot. 

Either way, you do need to sit and tell her your feelings have changed on the matter and you do NEED her to be more intimate with you. If she can't do it, then your next move should be to move on, I guess.

Can I ask...Do you even want her to be more intimate with you? You said that you don't really find her attractive, so even if she were to step it up...would it really matter?


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

Seems like if the other woman wasn't there you wouldn't be contemplating leaving. Sometimes we have too many choices. Why do you think Adam never cheated on Eve?

But seriously, after reading this site for a few days and seeing some of the messes people are dealing with in their marriages, yours is probably the tamest and one that could be worked out if you both just try. 

You both are respectful- marriages in trouble, the respect is lacking

You both enjoy each other's company-troubled marriages they can't stand to be around each other

You rarely argue- I'm jealous

You've never said you discussed it and she repeatedly turns you down.

I once heard a saying that sex is only 10% if everything else us fine, 90% if other areas are out of balance. Being blunt, sounds like you just want a newer model with "newer" excitement.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I left largely because of a long-term sexless marriage, not because I was attracted to someone else in particular. I had tried my best to improve the situation, to no avail, so by the time I left I was confident and guilt-free in my decision.
> 
> And it was the best decision I've ever made.


Pretty much the same for me - and it wasn't a particular person so much as a combination of things, not the least of which was feeling the excitement and happiness I'd forgotten, remembering that a relationship shouldn't feel like mine did.

It's too early to say if like MbH it was the best decision I ever made. It's been a tumultuous year but from a sex and romance perspective alone it beats the last three or four years of my relationship combined.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Even the happiest marriage have temptation thoughts from time to time.

Anyways, do your best to completely deflect those thoughts as soon as they come up. It's important!!!

Meanwhile, figure out if "sexless marriage" is the deal breaker. Ask yourself if you are willing to live like this FOREVER.

If not, it's time to sit your wife down and tell her that you are thinking about ending your marriage as you feel she doesn't love you.

When she asks why? Tell her how damaging lack of sex is to you and most man. We all know this is the ULTIMATE way to express love to us. She needs to know that and accept it. 

WITH ACTIONS, she is NOT showing you love.....not at all. And although she might in other ways, without this one being done, it just overshadows the rest.

I would recommend dealing with this issue head on and putting everything on the line. Cause in time, you will either end the marriage or cheat. 2nd one will be more tempting for sure, but remember, it's just consequence of her negligence and something YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO.

Deal with this relationship > end it/divorce > HEAL LONG LONG LONG before getting involved with another woman.

besides, would you really want to be with a woman that will mess around with a married guy? Setting yourself up for failure. DO NOT DO IT>


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you are not getting your needs met by your wife in your marriage, that certainly raises the risk that you will attempt to get them met outside of your marriage.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

There's an old saying...... If you don't look after your man. Someone else will. 
I don't recall OP saying anything about cheating with this woman. He's just asking if anyone else ever got that "I can hardly wait to see her again feeling in the chest" that most people get when they meet someone they really want to be with.


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