# Confused and unsure, any advice?



## lauren2013

I have been married for 22 years and things were getting a little strained between us, but we have always worked it out before. One afternoon out of the blue my husband asked for a divorce. Wow, I never saw that coming because at that point we were doing well, talking, laughing having sex every night, I felt things were fine. He swears 100% it is not another woman. After my husband telling me he wanted out during our talks all weekend, he suddenly switched and said no we will work it out. So here I am 2 months later and I feel like a basket case, I can't tell if he is happy, if he staying for us or our son. He isn't affectionate with random loving gestures, but we have a very active sex life until 7 nights ago he all of a sudden said he didn't feel like having sex and he is acting distant again. I feel sick to my stomach. I asked him last night if he was ok and he said he was fine. The last kicker is last weekend he text messaged me a picture of his private part with a kinky message. I thought it was great because we were flirting like teenagers! So I sent him a pic of me, which he claims he loved. However last night I peaked at his pictures on his cell phone and he erased my picture and he has pictures of sexy models from a web site. I was so hurt that he did not keep my picture but instead got sexy pictures of these models...I am very athletic and my body is pretty toned, although I cant compete with internet models. Should I be upset, why would he have these pictures on his phone? I am a basket case, walking on egg shells always wondering he is going to leave. He never tells me he loves me so there is never any reassurance from him. I watch him hug and kiss and tell our children, family member that he loves them and I don't even get that. Any advice??


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## Thumper

Welcome to TAM, im sorry your here. It sounds like your marriage hit a rut, everyone got a bit to complacent, and now he's acting out his own mid life crisis.

I'm not really sure the Reconciliation forum is gonna get you the best advice, for now maybe see if this can get moved up to general section.

I would ask him if he's willing to go to marriage counseling. If not, you go by yourself. Do you have access to your cell phone monthly billing? Have you verified there is not a number (unfamiliar) or two that he's either texting or calling a lot? I know what he says, but you need to verify that yourself. Do not let him know your doing this, its for your own piece of mind, and if theres nothing, it allows you to focus on the issues.

Second, if you want to save your marriage, then you need to risk it all. If he threatens divorce, especially as a control tactic, then you need to be strong (even if its a façade) and agree with him. This might just wake him up a little. But let him know your not happy either.

Hopefully if this gets moved, it will be seen more, and you can get some better advice from some of the more seasoned vets.


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## Twang

I have been where you are I was married 23 years when it happened. It is my opinion he is having an affair and is unsure of his feelings for you and or the other woman. I am also guessing he is having a mid life crisis. Sorry to have be the bearer of bad news but then again this is only my opinion.


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## This is me

MLC! Read up on it. I recommend the book Divorce busters or Divorce Remedy. This is the writer who came up with the 180. She gets it and is about saving the marriage when the fog of the MLC hits.


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## indiecat

Check his cell phone records if you can get them as said above. You have to be careful that there isn't another woman, don't just accept him saying that there isn't, do a bit of detective work. Has he been working later or staying away from home more than in the past? 

I'd ask him up front why he doesn't tell you he loves you. 

And by all means if he threatens divorce tell him that you don't want to be married to someone who isn't happy with you. This will wake him up to reality to some degree.


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## lauren2013

Thanks for your replies. I have checked his cell phone records and email account and there isn't anything unusual. He doesn't work late and he is home every night, so I am 100% positive there is not another woman.


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## Thumper

Ok, now if you feel comfortable with that, then its time to move on to your 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180

this is some of the steps, but like This is me said, get the book, its a healthy read, and will really get into more details. Heres a link (not sure i'll get into trouble or not with this) but a link to a story about dealing with MLC.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1350825#Post1350825

Feel free to keep checking in, as theres a TON of support here. It can help get you thru a rocky day/time.

Also keep posting in this post to keep things consolidated. It will allow others to follow your story without having to bounce from thread to thread, which can help get you advice faster.

"This is me" has a heck of a story if you click on the name, and check the other posts, its a valuable read, it will also give you an idea of the time that could be involved. Stay strong, use the site to your advantage.

Look forward to any updates your willing to share. plz give it time, be patient, and let the process play out.


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## lauren2013

Wow MLC that fits my husband's behavior perfectly! I want this marriage to work, but I feel I am doing all the work all the time while he sits back and tries to figures his feelings out. I am always the one to touch him, hug him, say I love you and compliment him, ask how his day was etc... I get absolutely nothing in return. Sometimes I wonder why I stay, but I love him. I wish there was something I could do to get some return affection. Even during sex he doesn't touch me (with his hands that is). My self esteem is in the trash, but people tell me I am pretty... ya right. How long should I try to make it work with nothing in return? How will I know its the right time to finally call it quits?


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## lauren2013

Thumper thank you for the threads to read. Everything fits my marriage (minus the affair) perfectly. I have read it and re-read it and it really helps


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## lauren2013

Just an update, still confused as ever... One week my husband is lovable happy, hugs kisses and snuggles all night (sex life amazing), then next week he is agitated, doesn't want sex, no physical contact etc... This up and down is really getting to me because I freak out wondering if he is going to leave. I wish I had relationship security and don't have any. He is very unapproachable so talking it out is out of the question. At times I wish I didn't love him so much and I could find someone who wouldn't play head games..


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## cdbaker

All very strange behavior, especially if there isn't anyone else on the side. He still hasn't explained why he asked for a divorce initially? Why he is unhappy? What changes he'd like to see? Anything?


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## Unique Username

Sadly, My gut says that the weeks he ISN'T interested in you are the weeks that he has found potential affair partners.
Do you know how easy it is to sign up and have multiple email accounts. With phone apps it would be very easy to create and maintain online dating profiles. Hell he could even have a prepaid phone he uses for just this purpose and you are unaware of it.
Internet models may very well be women sexting him photos.
Outside looking in....
check out these checklists if you think your spouse might be cheating:

Top 9 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating 

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

What are you getting out of this relationship besides unemotional sex every other week?


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## harrybrown

Will he go with you to marriage counseling?


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## lauren2013

I am almost certain he isn't cheating. It sad to say that I monitor his cell phone online, credit cards and emails. He is always at work, he is the general manager of a million dollar company so he cant just skip out of work, and when he isn't at work he is home. He doesn't sneak away for phone calls nor is he online etc.. So I am so positive he isn't cheating. Is it possible that you can just stop loving someone? We never fight. I spoil him rotten with anything he wants, and I mean ANYTHING. I don know its just so weird. Is it possible that after 22 years he just feel out of love for absolutely no reason? When I look at him I love him dearly and I cant imagine my life without him, if only I knew what he felt when he looked at me???? I asked him today if everything was ok and he just said yea fine.. The only strange thing is he is obsesses with losing weight. That I find fishy; will he leave me once he feels he looks good to attract another woman?? I hate this


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