# Touched but doesn't seem affected



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Wasn't sure where to put this really, but here it goes, Why is it, that I hear tell of some people who have been sexually molested, and it affects their adult life as in either overly sexual, or not wanting anything to do with sex? But then there are some people who have been sexually molested and it seems to have had no real impact on them sexually? (And this is without any kind of therapy) They seem fine with sex, they seem to like it and enjoy it, They are not wanting to much or to little, willing to try many things etc. For some reason I would think if someone was sexually molested, doing certain sexual acts might trigger something in them, and they may shy away from sexual activity or become angry etc.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If it was never dealt with in therapy, then my guess is, its possible they have suppressed it. Its buried so far deep down , in their minds they may even feel it never happened. 

I was with a lady years and years ago, who had been molested several times in her life. I actually questioned whether it ever happened because she never showed any signs that anything had ever happened to her like that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Wasn't sure where to put this really, but here it goes, Why is it, that I hear tell of some people who have been sexually molested, and it affects their adult life as in either overly sexual, or not wanting anything to do with sex? But then there are some people who have been sexually molested and it seems to have had no real impact on them sexually? (And this is without any kind of therapy) They seem fine with sex, they seem to like it and enjoy it, They are not wanting to much or to little, willing to try many things etc. For some reason I would think if someone was sexually molested, doing certain sexual acts might trigger something in them, and they may shy away from sexual activity or become angry etc.


I didn't have therapy to cope with what happened to me. It's hard to understand myself... my late teens and twenties showed the most trauma because I was very careless sexually. I attribute it to wanting to feel loved and sex must mean they love me. I identified it that way. In my thirties though, I spent a lot of time peeling back my layers and figuring myself out. Why did I need that? Why did I act that way? Why did I choose that person to be with? Once I understood myself, and sex and what it SHOULD be about, I felt fine.

I will say this, there are times... very few and far between now, that I do something that triggers me. I talk myself down when I feel the anxiety. I am a grown woman, I can choose what happens to me. I'm with someone that loves me inside and out and not just for my body. I trust him. Trusting is hard when you've been molested. It's one of the hardest things to overcome. I'm thankful for a very patient partner.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was molested by a family member for years while my mom sat back and did nothing (dad didn't know). It doesn't affect me as far as my libido or the things I enjoy (I like being touched), because I refuse to let him have control over me (the perp is long gone anyway) but I think the one thing it has affected is my ability to deeply trust people. It is only when I deeply trust someone that they have any chance of getting on my "will have sex with" list. If I get the slightest inkling that my partner doesn't have my back, lies, or otherwise uses my vulnerabilities against me (ex hb) I will never sleep with you again. I'm very inflexible in that regard. .And no, I have not had any therapy nor do I feel the need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you for your replies. The reason I asked was, I'm dating a guy who recently confided in me he had been molested when he was younger. Once when he was around 9 or 10 by a older female around 15 who lived down the street. And another time when he was around 12, by a friend of his who was a guy. He said he felt really bullied into it. His "friend" wanted him to touch each other and kinda experiment around. When they guy I'm seeing told the other guy no he didn't think it was right to be doing that, the other guy bullied him into and told him if not, he would hurt him and beat the crap out of him.

I don't even remember how we got on the subject really, but for whatever reason I guess he felt he trusted me enough to tell me which was probably very hard. He didn't seem shaken by it though. I think thats what gets me, I hear tell of many people who have been molested, raped, sexually abused in some way and there are usually signs. Maybe he has made peace with it, I dunno. I will say there are times he seems a bit emotionally immature, maybe thats a sign for me, of what has happened to him, not sure. Although if being emotionally immature is something that is ingrained in him and doesn't seem to change, then this wont last anyway.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sometimes when someone has been sexually abused, it doesn't always surface sexually. Sometimes it can come out in other ways or other areas of a relationship. I would think most all people who have been damaged by someone else's behavior will be affected to some degree.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What I've learned is that sexual abuse ALWAYS affect it's victim.
But people tend to deal with it differently.

Those who may seem not affected by it actually are, but they have a coping mechanism to deal with it. Most times they simply bury it.

Others who "act out " by being promiscuous are really employing a
" compensatory drive " to deal with the past trauma.

I once had this " friend " who was very sexually active with lots of guys. We had casual sex on a regular basis , and she was very open to experimenting with anything, and I thought she absolutely loved sex.
I liked her because of her bubbly personality and her love of sex.
But there always seemed to be something " empty" in her eyes.
I can usually tell a lot from looking deeply into a person's eyes .
I remember one day she told me she had something to tell me.
lol, I got frightened because I thought she was pregnant.
She then broke down and told me about her prolonged childhood sexual abuse.
She wanted to commit suicide.
I was completely stunned.
Anyway I helped her to seek professional help.
I abruptly stopped having sex with her, I felt guilty.
Today she's happily married with kids.

But abuse always manifests itself in some form.
Sometimes its hatred and distrust of men.
Sometimes its promiscuous behaviour.
Sometimes its control [ anger ] issues in relationships that stems from a feeling of helplessness.
And many other ways,
But it ALWAYS affects the victim , negatively.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would think his telling you shows a sign of trust. I didn't like to confide that until I was sure (for the most part) the other person could be trusted with that info. It didn't always work for me, in some cases I still got used or treated poorly, but I don't want to blame that all on my secrets. It was the guys and their lack of maturity or whatever.

It could be your guy has made peace with it and just doesn't want to keep bringing it up or talking about it. It can be embarrassing to some people, I imagine for guys even moreso to admit something like that happened to them.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Maybe he has made peace with it, I dunno.


Could be that. A family friend who I've known since childhood recently told me about years of abuse from her stepdad. Her mom knew about it, and did nothing. 

She bottled up that anger, and for the next few decades she messed around with badboys, hung out in bars and nuked her marriage to a Nice Guy.

Then, she found religion, released the anger and forgave her mom and stepdad. Like you wrote, she made peace with it.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> But it ALWAYS affects the victim , negatively.


How negatively it affects someone can depend on a number of things, including who the abuser was and how long it went on for.

Another big factor is how that abuse was responded to. It is very common, for example, to blame the victim. When a woman is raped, it is often her that goes on trial --what she was wearing, how she acted, what her sexual history was. In a case I read about a few years ago about a 3 year old girl molested by her uncle, the judge found that the girl had been "sexually suggestive"

Utterly outrageous, of course. But my point is that the fall out from these events can exacerbate the problem. Or mitigate it, if handled well.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

thunderstruck said:


> Her mom knew about it, and did nothing.


 The above is what frustrates me almost as much as the abuse someone endured.  I know several people who were abused and a parent knew about it, and did nothing. Not sure I will ever really be able to wrap my head around that!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Everyone is wired differently. Some can put it behind them, some can't. Some shut down, some act out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

trey69 said:


> The above is what frustrates me almost as much as the abuse someone endured.  I know several people who were abused and a parent knew about it, and did nothing. Not sure I will ever really be able to wrap my head around that!


Same here. When my friend told me that, I wanted to grab a bat and go find the stepdad, and the mom. issed:


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> I will say there are times he seems a bit emotionally immature, maybe thats a sign for me, of what has happened to him, not sure. Although if being emotionally immature is something that is ingrained in him and doesn't seem to change, then this wont last anyway.


This is a very passionate subject area for me and actually trained in the area of child sexual abuse and its effects. 

The emotional immaturity in a adult is most definitely a symptom/sign of child sexual abuse or some childhood trauma. 

The signs or symptoms don't have to manifest themselves in a "sexual" manner which it often does but in other ways as well. 

He experienced “emotional trauma" at ages I think you said between the 10-12. Therefore, he is emotional stuck at that age. He’s probably unaware. Many adults who have been molested sexually as a child find themselves at times acting in way that are very childish emotional and can’t explain it. 
Sometimes they are even unaware that they are handling an adult situation “emotionally” as a child would. 

I remember the story of a friend who as an adult had temper tantrums all the time when she didn’t get her way. One day while babysitting her 6 year old niece, the niece decided to have a bad temper tantrum about something which was nothing. It wasn’t until then that the young lady realized that she often time expressed herself in a similar manner in adult situations. She realized that emotional, she was stuck at the age of 6 even though she was a high functioning adult. She also realized that she was 6 years of age when she was molested and was “stuck” there emotionally.

The effects of child sexual abuse goes far deeper than we think but with proper acknowledgment and help one can get beyond the effects of such a terrible thing. 

Also, one thing that’s odd to me is that he openly talked with you about it which is "usually" not the case unless from a standpoint of victory over its effects particular with males. So, on some levels it appears that he’s dis-attached from it and not really dealt with it.

I hope this helps.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I will say there are times he seems a bit emotionally immature, maybe thats a sign for me, of what has happened to him, not sure. Although if being emotionally immature is something that is ingrained in him and doesn't seem to change, then this wont last anyway.


Nobody is unscathed by abuse. Whether it is sexual or emotional or whatever. One similarity is the person's emotional development can be stalled out at the age they were when abused. I think it depends a lot on the severity of the abuse.

My personal opinion based on talking with quite a few abuse survivors is that the direct effects of the abuse while potentially big, much more often the biggest cause of lifelong problems is the reaction of the other adults. For example, a parent who tells the child to STFU, tells the child it is his/her fault, who tells the child they are dirty or unlovable.

Horrifying.

Anyhow, your boyfriend may not have been too terribly traumatized and may thus not have major emotional or sexual issues. Or, he may have suppressed the trauma which will erupt at some later point in his life. I know very little about male abuse survivors so I have nothing specific to offer about him.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I was molested by two different males before I was 14.

Didn't affect me any more then someone stealing my car would affect my driving.

A crime is a crime.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for the other replies, they have been helpful! I will say I was surprised he told me but glad at the same time. 
He was also telling me about his home life, a father who cheated and was never home. A mother so emotionally detached
and wrapped up in her own hurt, that she couldn't even really be there for her kids. So I guess living in that environment plus
being molested was a recipe for his emotional immaturity. I feel really bad for him but at the same time not so bad I'm willing 
to get overly involved with what seems like a lot of unresolved issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah, you have no obligation to be his knight on a white horse!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I was molested by a family member as a young child and honestly I don't think it has affected me in any sexual way. I think it does affect the way I view people who have contact with my children, and adds a layer of suspicion. My parents never knew it was happening and still don't know to this day. That's why I know how easy it is to pull the wool over a good parent's eyes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Thanks for the other replies, they have been helpful! I will say I was surprised he told me but glad at the same time.
> He was also telling me about his home life, a father who cheated and was never home. A mother so emotionally detached
> and wrapped up in her own hurt, that she couldn't even really be there for her kids. So I guess living in that environment plus
> being molested was a recipe for his emotional immaturity. I feel really bad for him but at the same time not so bad I'm willing
> ...


He sounds like he could use a therapist. That said, it's not your job or obligation to work out all his demons. He could be telling you all this to excuse some unsavory behavior he may throw your way. Bracing you and what not. Some women would feel sorry for him and have pity on him etc. so it works to his benefit to tell them all of this.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was molested by a friend of my dads when i was a young child, I was around five-ish. From what I can remember it only happened twice and after that I told my mom. It hasn't affected me sexually or in any other part of my life, as far as I know. Never went to therapy. 

However the physical,emotional and mental abuse that was brought on by my EX has affected me in every aspect of my life (and this was years ago) I still have nightmares from time to time. And i also have a really hard time with opening up and trusting anyone.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> He sounds like he could use a therapist. That said, it's not your job or obligation to work out all his demons. He could be telling you all this to excuse some unsavory behavior he may throw your way. Bracing you and what not. Some women would feel sorry for him and have pity on him etc. so it works to his benefit to tell them all of this.


This is so true. When I suggested him maybe seeing a therapist, his reply was, "Nah, only the women in my family go see therapists, they think they need to, me and my dad, and most of the men in my family we think its a waste of time and money. There's really no point.":scratchhead:


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