# Need advice



## Darrellr (Mar 30, 2020)

Just need some perspective,

My wife an I were married last August went on our honeymoon and when we got back i went to pay the cell bill. I happen to be looking through it to try and figure out how to maybe cut some costs and while scrolling through the bill i came across a number that caught my eye because it was from way out of state. i looked through the bill and this number kept coming up over and over in my new wives calls. i did a free cell look up and it turned out it was a number that belonged to a doctor she works with. Needless to say i was beside myself. i confronted her that morning and she had nothing to say. When i could get myself to look i saw that there were hours of calls in the middle of the night and all throughout the day. She claimed she was having work issues and this guy was just someone she could talk to about it. Now, I'm not a fool and of course i don't buy it. Two of the calls were while i was out of town and for hours at a time, She swears it was only calls and nothing more. Now the part i need some perspective on...I can't get over it fully and she has not changed anything nor done anything to make be feel like this was over and it was not going on still behind my back. The part i really need to understand is her idea that have have blown this way out of proportion and that she explained it and if i can't just hear her she doesn't now what else to do. Trust me I'm am no fool and this marriage is coming to an end. I guess what i want to now is..Am i crazy? would other people have been ok with this? I feel like not many people would have been. Any advice you have would be helpful.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

A tell-tale question. Was she talking to this person while on your honeymoon? Right now all the evidence you have is phone bills. Are there any texts? Unless you know for sure what was said on these calls then you are assuming the worst. Assuming is not a good reason for ending a relationship. I would be on the phone with this man demanding to know what they were talking about so much. Tell him all you want is the truth. If he gives you the truth then what happens next will only be between you and her. If he lies and you find out you will do your best to burn his world to the ground. All you want is the truth. I do wish you well.


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## Darrellr (Mar 30, 2020)

well she is an Iphone user so i can not get the texts off of my bill if she uses the iphone msg. i did not have the heart to look at the time we were on our honeymoon but i did see that the day we got back, when she "had to run to the store" she called him for 45 min. I told her about that call and she just wanted to "let him know how the trip went. The first 2 calls that caught my attention were for hours at a time in the middle of the night. I did text him, and as soon as i did i can see he was on the phone with her and texting me and still their stories did not match up


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has she been in contact with him since that time?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck..... guess what ?

There is absolutely no reason for you to believe that it is a swan or a goose. Don't waste one more minute of your life trying to probe around, playing PI, etc. Life is too short for that crap.

No, I would definitely not be "ok" with it. And, I agree with you, you aren't a fool. You fully know what is going on. And, you don't need any "proof". Let your wife bring the "proof".....if she wants to save her marriage.

Tell your wife ONCE, in no uncertain terms, in the form of a DEMAND, that she will fully and completely stop communicating to him, forever, beginning right now, and apply herself to fixing her marriage..... that is, if she wants to have a marriage tomorrow..... and that she will PROVE to you over the next 2 years, that there has been no further contact in any form.

If she has to quit her job in order to comply with your demand, so be it. There are consequences to what we do in life.

Remind her of her solemn promise, the one she made before God and witnesses, that she would "keep herself only unto" you for as long as she lives. Tell her that you expected that promise to begin at the moment she said it, and that you will accept no less than a full rendition of it, now, and as long as she wants to remain your wife.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

A wakeup Bell has rung, now you need to understand this was on going even while you were dating. And now a book you need to read is ...

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass

This will shed light on other instances of her possible betrayal. I don't know if I would personally give it two years of your life. But it's out and it could go underground. I don't believe the other dude will be upfront with morals either. All this is up to you and she shows no true and real remorse, watch her mood and if she gets depressed or other traits of abandonment. It was and is more than you know. Sorry your here.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. 

SAVE your phone bill records in a safe place.

IS the OM married? If so, notify his wife. Why? because the OBS is your best ally. Do not warn your wife in advance because she will warn the OM and he will discredit you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you're here. Usually the more information you supply, the more targeted and useful the advice.

When caught, cheaters only admit to what they think you know (they never admit to more). And they go into damage control by minimizing (we just talked) or attacking you (you're unreasonably jealous).

Can you tell who initiated the calls?

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your newly wed wife's secret relationship and secret communication with the OM fails. As a married woman, she has no right to private secret communication behind your back. Spouses are 100% responsible for avoiding suspicious behavior. She destroyed your trust and it's 100% up to her to fix this.

It is not appropriate for her to expect you to trust her or give her another chance.

She should be traumatized (every day in every way) at the thought that she may have destroyed her marriage.
Did she admit her behavior was inappropriate?
Did she apologize to you (e.g., daily)?
Has she told she how happy she is to be married and why she's happy to be married to you?
What is she doing to restore your trust?

This is the easy fun part of marriage where she should be 100% into her husband. IMO, this is a big fail that justifies reconsidering staying married to her.

She won't take you serious unless she believes you will divorce (bluff if necessary) rather than tolerate secrets or any further contact with the OM. The secret nature of their communication contaminated the 'we're just friends' excuse and therefore she must agree to NC. INSIST THAT SHE FIND ANOTHER EMPLOYER>

You can't forgive what you don't know. And what you do know is enough to destroy trust.

Insist she provide you with a timeline of the calls and the topics discussed - subject to a polygraph test. Why? because just the prospect of facing a polygraph encourages full disclosure and discourages lies. It doesn't matter is if you think the test is accurate - it only matters that she thinks you do (bluff is necessary).


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

But you already stated the obvious....
" but i did see that the day we got back, when she "had to run to the store" she called him for 45 min. I told her about that call and she just wanted to "let him know how the trip went. "
Why in the HELL did HE have to know about your freakin' trip. Couldn't it wait till she was in work? Like everyone else that is sane? NOT! Gaslighting and blameshifting to ensue.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he is way out of your State, then how is she working with him?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Darrell,

You wrote, * I guess what i want to now is..Am i crazy? would other people have been ok with this? I feel like not many people would have been. *

I would never be right with this, and three times never during my honeymoon.

What I suspect is that your WW was in a long or medium term affair with this married man before you.

The affair tapered off, perhaps, as she dated and then married you, however it remained an emotional affair which the OM kept burning, waiting his time until you have marital problems. In my experience doctors are really good at affairs and picking affair partners.

What I would do now, gather up all your evidence and put it in a safe place your WW can't get to.

Go silent and snoop on your WW and the doctor if you can, hire a PI if you can afford it,

As others have suggested timeline and then polygraph.

Your WW is a classic cake eater wants to have a work husband and a legal husband too.

Your WW might also tell you some wild stories when corned expect that, like that the doctor is actually gay or impotent and she is being supportive, also expect to hear about what a beastly cruel person the doctors wife is.

Sorry this set up is very common.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, this is at the very LEAST an EA but very easily could have been a PA while she "worked" with him. Honestly, I would NOT allow this to go on, or she would face the required consequences. 

Look you have been married for only a short time -- you should be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, and HER doing this -- that's NOT respectful, NOT "honeymoon phase" AT ALL. I would contact HIS wife and let her know this is going on. 

If you can get a hold of her phone, DO that -- you may be unpleasantly surprised at what you find. If she talks on the phone, do you know WHERE she does that? 

Purchase a few VAR's (voice activated recorders) and put them where she would talk with him -- in the car, another room, the kitchen, bedroom, etc.. DO NOT tell her you are doing this, and you can't use any recordings for any legal purpose -- just for your own information.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Talk to a lawyer about an anullment.


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## Darrellr (Mar 30, 2020)

Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Don't even think about having kids until you have fully investigated her relationship with the OM - and given yourself plenty of time to decide whether you want her as your life partner (and mother of your children). 

At this point, based on her secret communication and defensive behavior when confronted, do not give her the benefit of any doubt. It's 100% her responsibility to convince you beyond any doubt that she wasn't cheating with him during your engagement or after your marriage. Clearly, she didn't pick you - because she continued contact during your trip. 

If she can't prove there was no infidelity, then in order to protect yourself you should assume that at a minimum she has strong feelings for the OM - and you should therefore consider divorce.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Darrellr said:


> Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow


No that is a mistake. You need to do what someone posted above which is, save your evidence, and go into detective mode. 

Anything that you confront her with, at this point, will be explained with a lie, which you have already seen. Cheaters only admint what you can prove. So you need more evidence...

Hire a PI if you can...

Or you could just divorce now, because frankly, this women is trying ot take you for a ride, and not a good ride.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Darrellr said:


> Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow


It is now in her court. Your wife is busy deleting suspect messages. This will now go underground.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, DO NOT let her know about the VAR's. KEEP all the records you have now so she can't delete anything. I do bet she is trying to clean up messages, FB, etc. of anything to do with this so you won't get any concrete evidence. 
YOU can confront her at any time, but for your OWN sake, get some clarity -- and waiting a few days to get anything from a VAR may help you do that.

GET her phone -- don't ask her for it -- do you know her PW to get in? Even if you have to wake during the night, try to see if you can get a look before she can delete everything (although it MAY be too late...)


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

She will also inform the doctor who will also go into evidence destruction, coverup and denial mode.

Do not allow her to sweet talk or sex bomb you into rugsweeping, the prize for allowing this is to live your life with liar you never trust out of your sight.

You might rebuild your marriage from a new base of truth and transparency but even then it will be alot of work, and much more work if her heart is not in it.

Never erase your evidence, many here have had spouses who years later deny anything at all happened, and it makes the betrayed spouse question their own sanity.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One downside of confronting too early (i.e., where you don't eye witness proof of sex) is that they go underground.
You can bet there will be no further phone calls now that she knows there's a record. 

Don't believe that your 'talk' will scare them into stopping their affair. The lengthy calls and their timing already walk all over normal boundaries & respect for marriage. They will now communicate entirely by text (and immediately delete each incriminating text but leave the innocent texts) or meet face to face.

What you can do is:
1 - notify his wife (without warning anyone). Once exposed, if he's married with kids he will dump your wife.
2 - immediately insist that she change jobs (makes contact more difficult),
3 - zero contact (not even being in the same building), 
4 - consider providing a copy of the calls to the hospital HR. This isn't a court of law and most hospitals frown on their behavior, and
5- have her sign a post nup
6- insist on a polygraph (just to encourage the truth)


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Darrellr said:


> Just need some perspective,
> 
> My wife an I were married last August went on our honeymoon and when we got back i went to pay the cell bill. I happen to be looking through it to try and figure out how to maybe cut some costs and while scrolling through the bill i came across a number that caught my eye because it was from way out of state. i looked through the bill and this number kept coming up over and over in my new wives calls. i did a free cell look up and it turned out it was a number that belonged to a doctor she works with. Needless to say i was beside myself. i confronted her that morning and she had nothing to say. When i could get myself to look i saw that there were hours of calls in the middle of the night and all throughout the day. She claimed she was having work issues and this guy was just someone she could talk to about it. Now, I'm not a fool and of course i don't buy it. Two of the calls were while i was out of town and for hours at a time, She swears it was only calls and nothing more. Now the part i need some perspective on...I can't get over it fully and she has not changed anything nor done anything to make be feel like this was over and it was not going on still behind my back. The part i really need to understand is her idea that have have blown this way out of proportion and that she explained it and if i can't just hear her she doesn't now what else to do. Trust me I'm am no fool and this marriage is coming to an end. I guess what i want to now is..Am i crazy? would other people have been ok with this? I feel like not many people would have been. Any advice you have would be helpful.


This is 100% NOT out of proportion, this is 100% totally out of bounds and inappropriate for a wife to do.
She is definitely in an emotional affair....possibly physical.
No wife should be calling her male co-worker hours and hours regularly in the night.
That is emotionally dishonest to even expect you to fall for that uttter BS that it is normal work stuff. 100% LIE.
You have to be willing to divorce if need be.
She can't work with him anymore. She's has totally lost any realm of trust. Probably the only way to stop this....aside from you totally calling BS on her lies and confronting how unfaithful this is and that it will 100% not stand you will most likely need her to quit this job. She cannot work with this doctor anymore.

If she refuses....if she continues to have an emotional affair with him.....you have to divorce her. she is not forsaking other men and putting you as her man...her husband.

You just got married? Wow.
Has she already worked with this guy a lot?

This is so, so, so shady.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I said that all you had with the phone bills was an assumption. When she made a 45 minute call, the day you returned from your honeymoon, it then went pass the assumption phase. After I retired from the military I worked with criminals for 20 years. Criminals, like cheaters, will lie at the drop of a hat, especially if they are trying to cover their ass. I would now consider that while on your honeymoon she was texting because she didn't have the opportunity to make 45 minute calls. I use to tell the bad guys that it was their job to get away with things and it was my job to catch them. When I did catch them then I was doing my job better than they were doing theirs. If this is an affair then you can believe there is a very long string of evidence. I would tell her that your marriage hangs on her giving you her phone. Anything deleted can be recovered by a good phone recovery technician. You still haven't put the doctor's back against the wall. Without telling your wife, tell the doctor's wife about the numerous phone calls. She can be your best ally. Making your wife quit her job accomplishes nothing. That will not stop the phone calls or text. There are hundreds of ways to continue an affair even if you made her quit and moved to another state. Something I have observed is that advice for a man, who suspects his wife, is to make her quit her job. Very rarely, and I mean rarely, is the same advice given to a woman who suspects her husband. You haven't even scratched the surface of evidence gathering that you have access to. I wish I could give you about an hour class on evidence gathering. I will say that where there is smoke there is usually a fire somewhere. It is better to discover where you stand now than to face the smoke 5 or 10 years from now. Unless they are extremely gifted, bad guys always leave evidence. The ones that think they are really smart usually make the dumbest mistakes. Hang in there. You got this. Be smarted than them. I do wish you well.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Darrellr*

regarding "where" the doctor is - a cell phone number is not of any use - phone number portability means "If you get a phone in FL and later move to WA - you keep the phone AND the phone number.

So Mr. Newlywed hasn't figured out the doc is in the hospital where wifey is working! (My bet)
This story smells like a 3 day old fish in a humid climate.

Given this is going on since August and your trading of vows - well, she broke 'em. You no longer have the marriage of
two souls. She dissolved it for you. 

All that is left is for you to take care of the legalities of dissolution. 

If the above is all wrong - well at the very least your wife has really LOUSY boundaries!


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## Darrellr (Mar 30, 2020)

No, I know the Doc works here in the same hospital. It was just that the number caught my eye because it was from another state


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Darrellr said:


> No, I know the Doc works here in the same hospital. It was just that the number caught my eye because it was from another state


So, what are you going to do?
She can't stay at that job working with him....that is if you are planning to stay with her now.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

* Darrellr*

Well, that is a relief - sorta - now at least you can do some investigating and see if he is single/betrothed/married or?
for you - is knowing any more worth the effort? 

Beware of hopium and that devil whispering in your ear - the black angel called "Pick Me"


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let her go. Deep down you know what this is. Why keep yourself in this? No one else can Do that but you.

You made a mistake marrying her. Don’t compound it by staying in this. It won’t be worth digging to find out anymore.

This isn’t a court of law. You only need proof for yourself. No one else counts.

All cheaters have one thing in common. They all lie a lot.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, you need answers, were they in a PA prior to your marriage? 45 minute conversation upon return from your honeymoon. What did she tell him a blow by blow account of the night? You do need information but she will not provide it. Let her know this is unacceptable and that you are going to seek an annulment due to not committing to the marriage from the start. She will gaslight you, won’t love bomb you, just blame you. State you are being controlling and unreasonable. Then go and join the Dr in his state. Honestly if you were talking to a old GF for the same amount of time. You would be branded a cheating pig. 
She does have a air of entitlement, Doc maybe plan B if the marriage doesn’t work and she isn’t trying. 
one day at a time
Buffer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Darrellr said:


> No, I know the Doc works here in the same hospital. It was just that the number caught my eye because it was from another state


I have remembered something. I have a friend who lived in California but who had to move to Florida for work reasons. He decided to keep his CA phone number because he thought it was cooler.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

All you need to know is... the day you got back from your honeymoon, she had to call *another *man and talk to him for 45 minutes telling him all about it. 

A woman might do this with a bff, mom or sibling; but, another man? Just NO.

Save yourself grief and heartache and run! She was never yours.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Oh...I didn't catch they worked together. Not good. If she is s invested in this man that she has hours and hours of phone calls with him maybe you should just let her go to him. I never had hours and hours of phone calls with women I was not having sex with.
Wash your hands and walk away. More likely than not she is just the latest in a string of side pieces for the good doctor. HIs wife probably knows of his hobby but you may has well let her know on the way out. This may be your wifes first affair but doubtful it's his.
Then thank your wife for failing so early in the marriage, it's easier to get out now than in 5 or 10 years.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Such, this fisherwoman...

She has had two lines in the water for some time.

She hooked Darrell, pulled him aboard and kept the OM on the hook.

I suspect, she could not land the doctor, as her equipment was not adequate for the job. She had not the line-strength, nor a big enough net to land him.
Ah, but she, not being a quitter, kept him on the line.

By continuing to communicate with him, she is letting him know she is still available:
-As a permanent partner, preferably.
-As a mistress, most likely.

Why did she marry @Darrelr?
-He is a good catch.
-She may be showing her determination, and keeping her promise to Darrel (hack, cough).

..............................................................................................

I suspect they have been affair partners for a _short time_.
Yes, ultimately, she wants OP, but can wait.
Are they are already sexual partners? I put the odds at 80% that they have consummated the act.

If they are not, she is letting the OP know that she is still available for that option.
He may also be married and both are happy to remain lovers on the sly.

It may be she got herself emotionally hooked tight by the doctor (rather recently), this, while engaged, not yet married.
Then, she felt obligated to go through with the wedding, even though she had her doubts. OP stole her heart.

This would never have happened if this wayward woman was truly in love with Darrel.

Divorce is the only rational choice.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Methinks-

With that Corona V-Borealis dancing in the sky, both these health care providers, viz., WW and the Doctor are busy as hell.
This has put on-hold any action on this front.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some people follow the written script, knowing it is going to end badly.
Darrell's wayward wife is that person.

She knew she did not want this marriage and let it happen....anyway.

She likely feared the embarrassment of calling it off.

Now, what does she have?
All Hell, soon, if not already, let loose on her.

Sigh.
Add sad. 😔 😟

Yes, that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Darrellr said:


> Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow


Why would you even think about staying with someone who cheated this early?

This isn't a Disney movie with a fairy tale ending.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

When you confront, insist on her handing over the phone immediately. Inform her that any delay (where she has time to delete texts/pics) is an admission of infidelity. And use the term 'infidelity' not just flirting or sending inappropriate texts/pics. 

Make it very clear to her that failure to immediately hand over the phone cuts off any chance for counseling or a second chance - and will result in a divorce.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Consider talking to an attorney prior to the confrontation (the first hour is often free). Then when you confront you can mention already speaking with an attorney. It makes the statement that you are serious about divorce if she doesn't hand over the phone on the spot.


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