# Low Libido and feeling sad



## saddgirl (Jul 23, 2014)

I've been married to my husband for 21 years and we've been together since I was 18. I love my husband, he's a good man and I wish I could feel like I want to be intimate, but I don't. I've always had a low sex drive, even when I was 18. I never think about sex, never fantasize about it, never crave it. This has really hurt our relationship. A few years ago I was put on progesterone because my hormone levels were bottomed out. For the first time in my life I actually felt intimate and it was wonderful. I've been off the progesterone for years now because my hormone levels had evened out and my doctor won't put me back on it due to low libido. So once again, I have no sex drive. 

I can't begin to tell you the pain, anger and resentment we both have towards each other. There are relationship issues that I know totally attribute to what doesn't happen in the bedroom. He's always been a workaholic, even while we were in high school. The problem is, there is never any time to connect with each other. He comes home from work, we eat dinner, everyone gathers in the living room to watch tv and within a few minutes he's fallen asleep. It's like this nearly seven days a week. We've tried doing date nights but to be honest, we quickly slip back into our old patterns of not going out and him falling asleep on the couch.

The lack of sex with him has become so much of an issue that now I experience anxiety around bedtime, or when he touches me because I think that's what he's wanting because that's the only time he ever touches me. Or if we do have sex, I have to make sure I enjoy it because it upsets him if I don't. It's too much pressure. 

I've told him that there's a lack of connection between us. There's rote talking (how was your day) but never any real communication. He told me he needed to have sex to be connected, that he couldn't connect then have sex. Although he has tried. 

My oldest is going off to college in a few weeks and we'll have an empty nest when my youngest leaves in three years. I've often felt like a single married person in my marriage. He works all the time and takes care of the yard but I do everything else. And I mean EVERYTHING else because he's not here to help. 

We got into a big fight this morning. I was woken up at 5:30 in the morning to him rubbing my butt and getting closer and closer to "that" area. He told me he couldn't sleep and he wanted to have sex. All I could think was "You've got to be joking." He got mad and stormed out of the house blowing off his dentist appointment that took forever for me to get.

I'm just so sad, angry and frustrated. I no longer know what to do.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Sad girl, I am very-very sorry and I feel your pain! It all sounds very sad and pretty hopeless... Not that it cannot get better - I don't know that. But just your general tone sounds like you are losing last grains of any hope. 

I got confused though... You say that lack of sex with your husband makes you sad, yet that you never want sex. And then I am not sure I understand why you rejected him when he wanted to have sex with you in the morning... I realize that it's a bunch of different issues mixed up together, but I am having troubles to figure out what it is that YOU want. Other than hormonal supplements, which do sound like a miracle pill.


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## saddgirl (Jul 23, 2014)

I'm sorry for the confusion. Let me clarify. I WANT to want to feel like having sex. I want to have a higher libido. This is something I've struggled with my entire sexual life and this is what makes me feel so sad and frustrated. Especially after reading all the responses on other threads regarding LD where people make it out like it's about control or playing games.

Thank you for your response.  I'm glad that someone heard me.


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## Hope4love (Jul 21, 2014)

I think I understand where you are coming from, or at least I'm trying as an HD husband. I watch this play out in my LD wife. She really wants to desire sex and to think about sex, but she doesn't. She wants to, but it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes it seems like she deals with guilt and shame over it, which makes it worse. The sex drive isn't there so it seems like it's just one more thing on her plate; hardly an appealing way to really look forward to anything.

For years I would get very frustrated because this was such an irony here. I think it just added to the distance and guilt. I'm really trying to understand and to figure out how to approach sex in ways that are more pleasing and find triggers that encourage positive sexual thoughts and avoid things that cause hurt and distance.

How does it make you feel when your husband pursues sex and you're not in the mood? Hurt? Put out? Resentful? Do you feel like sex, just to please your husband, when you're really not feeling sexual somehow cheapens your relationship? Does his pursuit at inopportune times make sexual desires more difficult? Are there times when you weren't in the mood but were able to get into it? If so, what helped you get there? Are there things you would tell him if you could that you think would make the situation better?


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## Hope4love (Jul 21, 2014)

PS: I think I've done the same type of morning wake up with my wife I the past, though maybe at 7am. I'm not proud of it. She's half asleep wondering why I'm bugging her and I'm trying to get her to rev up sexually. As I begin to understand her, these feelings of hurt, guilt, and anger are making sense.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

saddgirl said:


> Especially after reading all the responses on other threads regarding LD where people make it out like it's about control or playing games.


So you don't think it's about control and playing games????

Please tell us you've said, "Even though *I never think about sex, never fantasize about it, never crave it*, for the sake of our marriage, I'm going to do everything I can for you sexually, to make you feel good and honor our relationship." Then I would say it does not sound like it's about control and playing games, on your part.

And then tell us that having said and done that, that he appreciates your love and generosity and isn't *upset* that you haven't *enjoyed* it adequately. Then I would say it does not sound like it's about control and playing games, on his part.

Maybe I've read your post through my filters of too much cynicism...or maybe not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to try an over the counter progesterone cream.

I know that Spouts sells it. Check with places that sell supplements.


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## Hope4love (Jul 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You might want to try an over the counter progesterone cream.
> 
> I know that Spouts sells it. Check with places that sell supplements.


My wife uses this and finds it more effective than the pills.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sounds pretty clear, shop around for another doctor--one who values your sex drive and saving your marriage! Some will prescribe bio-identical seeds for your problem.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

saddgirl said:


> We got into a big fight this morning. I was woken up at 5:30 in the morning to him rubbing my butt and getting closer and closer to "that" area. He told me he couldn't sleep and he wanted to have sex. All I could think was "You've got to be joking." He got mad and stormed out of the house blowing off his dentist appointment that took forever for me to get..


May I ask why your reaction was "You've got to be joking."? Was it because of the time? Or did you feel hurt by his advances?.. I understand that you were not in the mood, but you could still do it for him... Or does it hurt your feelings that he wants to have sex when he knows you don't? 

As the one on the other end, I can tell you that you really hurt him by rejecting him. Boy, I cannot even explain how much it hurts, degrades and ruins self esteem to be rejected. And I am a woman. I bet it's double the pain for a man...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> May I ask why your reaction was "You've got to be joking."? ...


yeah, he was probably sitting there, hard unit in hand, smelling you, hearing you wake up, getting more and more turned on by you. He rolls over, starts to caress you and....you drop a ton of **** on him. I am sure he was really happy and his ego was boosted by that! Come on, this is NOT rocket science.

You need to realize that your body has a way of talking to you. If you let him rub you more, let the sex happen, your body probably would have come around and told you "hey... THIS IS FUN...lets do some more..."


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, just speaking as a guy, it's pretty likely that your husband has to suppress himself physically and emotionally when he's around you if the sex situation has become a real problem. Him being out of the house probably helps him to some degree to feel alive.

I hear your frustration with regard to craving the connection that you want, and you definitely can work on getting your needs met. That said, it sounds to me like the marriage is at a point where anything you try that does not involve working on the sex issues will sound like "You give me what I need but I'm not going to give you what you need." to him.

I really do think he's being honest with you when he says he needs sex to connect in the way you want.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

My advice would to talk to your doctor (as others have advised) - there could be hormonal issues going on that you have no control over....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lila said:


> I don't disagree with you that OP's hubby probably felt rejected, but I can relate to how his approach would be hurtful to her. I'm not LD but if my husband were to wake me up at 5:30 am, poking his penis on my behind with no care as to my desire, I'd feel incredibly degraded. I'd think all I was to him was a moist hole for him to use at will.
> 
> Honestly this is one of those situations that cannot be solved without opening up the lines of communication.


On the other hand, my wife loves to be awakened early for sex - she loves drowsy, cuddly, morning sex. Different people, different desires. I tend to sleep until the last possible moment, but make an effort when I do awaken early. And I'm okay with her waking me early - which she does sometimes.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon sadgirl
A high desire /low desire relationship is really difficult for both people. Its very difficult for either to understand how the other is feeling, almost impossible to "compromise" on something that is so important to both. 

Since you want to be interested in sex but are not, I agree with other people's suggestions of going to a doctor. If your hormone levels are OK, its possible that therapy would help, or at least rule out non-medical causes.

Are you on any medication or birth control that might possibly cause this?

Try to explain to your husband as you have explained to us that you *want* sex, but it just isn't working.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You have two threads going, and it's very confusing what your main issues are. In the other thread, you talk about reading erotica to get in the mood and feel bad about it. You also talk about your husband's hygiene and how that's a huge sexual turn-off.

I feel like you aren't going to be able to truly get a handle on your sexual issues until you can start working on some of the relationship issues you have. More sexual desire on your part isn't going to fix the problems that are contributing to your lack of desire. Being able to share with him the sexual desires you do have which you are able to unlock via erotica, and then expand that into a healthier sex life with your H, isn't going to happen if you harbor resentments and unhappiness in your relationship with your H outside the bedroom.

But your H might not understand how disconnected you have become from each other due to all his working, plus other relationships issues at home. All he sees is that sex is a problem. 

Does he realize there is more going on between you that is a problem than sex?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> As the one on the other end, I can tell you that you really hurt him by rejecting him. Boy, I cannot even explain how much it hurts, degrades and ruins self esteem to be rejected. And I am a woman. I bet it's double the pain for a man...


This wouldn't have occurred to me before I started reading TAM, but I'm actually thinking it can be distinctly more painful for women. The stereotype is that having a wife turn frigid is a common problem for men, and the perceived misery of suffering a problem is reduced, at least a bit I think, if it's felt to be common with others.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Being rejected or turned down really hurts we guys. We interpret it as a personal rejection.
If we get rejected - hurt - too often we go into self defense/protection mode....ie we stop asking for it, we stop initiating we stop any form of intimacy (incase the intimacy is reciprocated, we get turned on etc then rejected because all 'she' wants is a cuddle).

When we get rejected our self esteem plummets. 

Look at a pride of lions. The male with his massive mane is clearly MALE. The Alpha guy....looks after his hareem, has massive bollocks etc....and when the time comes he wards off any other males and impregnates all the lionesses. 
How would Simba feel if all the females rejected him? He would become a 'nothing'...in the end you'd see him walk slowly into the sunset, tail between his legs feeling rejected, dejected and dispondent.

Thats how we feel...except our balls are smaller!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My confidence does not plunge just because Dr. Frigid's idea of intimacy frequency mimics that of a comet.

Are you telling me that one relatively mentally troubled 50 something person not putting out on a regular basis will wipe out my accomplishments or self worth? 

Sorry, but I value myself worth a lot more than that. And don't let peripheral things affect my outlook. Yea, nice to have but lots of things are. You play the game of life, win some, lose some.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

john117 said:


> Are you telling me that one relatively mentally troubled 50 something person not putting out on a regular basis will wipe out my accomplishments or self worth?


My thinking? Yes and no. Much like in life generally: Some people are given every opportunity, born with silver spoons in their mouths, and yet are just losers who emphatically screw up their lives. Others, maybe even if born into the most terrible adversity, go on to achieve magnificently.

But I think most of us are somewhere in the middle, and have a proportionally better outcome, if better nurtured. Same for self worth -- my $0.02 worth, anyway.

Also, you don't know if it's just "one" person. Maybe he's had lots of blows to his ego, and at the worst of times for him -- pretty common life experience. In my down moments I used to semi-jokingly think that if women everywhere reacted to all men, the way they reacted to me, the human race would be an endangered species.


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## YummyGirl (Jul 23, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> yeah, he was probably sitting there, hard unit in hand, smelling you, hearing you wake up, getting more and more turned on by you. He rolls over, starts to caress you and....you drop a ton of **** on him. I am sure he was really happy and his ego was boosted by that! Come on, this is NOT rocket science.
> 
> You need to realize that your body has a way of talking to you. If you let him rub you more, let the sex happen, your body probably would have come around and told you "hey... THIS IS FUN...lets do some more..."


Murphy5 is correct. We have this thing in our culture where we think we must desire sex and then arousal will occur. Not true according to this info:

Research: In a study from 2004, described in this New York Times article, Ellen Laan, Stephanie Both and Mark Spiering of the University of Amsterdam examined participants’ physical responses to sexual images.

Results: The research indicates that we respond physically to highly sexual visuals before our mind even engages with them. In other words, desire doesn’t precede arousal—it’s the other way around. And we aren’t even aware it’s happening.

I know many women older than me who enjoy sex once they get into it (their words, not mine), but their partner has to initiate it. They don't desire sex, yet they are aroused by their husbands' touch, kisses, etc. 

~YG


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

This is a very confusing thread to me. It's confusing because most people who think out what is going on in their relationship and understand that the lack of sex is causing problems, do not then turn around and talk about how they've rejected their spouse and feel bad about it. I mean, if you didn't feel bad, I can see why you would discuss it, resent him, and want to figure out why he wants sex so much. Instead, you understand the problem yet rather than fixing it, you blame hormones and still reject your husband's advances.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The assumption is that arousal a) occurs b) occurs in appropriate magnitude c) is sustainable d) is welcome

All that's before desire even occurs. Still responsive desire is there for a reason...


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I wonder if OP's husband stays at work longer because he feels more accepted and a higher sense of worth, etc. when he is away from OP. Not being mean---just putting it out there. Many men "connect" with sex.


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