# Where do I go from HERE?



## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

It's been 1 year 3 months and 1 day since D-Day....

I've been a member of this site for at least a year now and haven't written anything on here. Sometimes I read through other threads hoping to find answers to the questions I am to afraid to ask. What I find usually doesn't help most of it I can relate to and seem to find that there are a lot of people who have the same feelings and thoughts that I do. I have been looking for a little hope (hope that my marriage works out) and there doesn't seem to be much of it here.....but what else can I other than rant random thoughts and hope that getting them out of my head helps me heal a little

After all this time of trying to work things out I find myself still obsessing and wondering and in an incredible amount of pain. For a while I was able to keep most of it under wraps or at least get it out and move on to the next day, but lately I haven't been able to move on....the next day is as bad as the one before. 

In the beginning I thought that if I changed the way I treated husband then things would work themselves out and we could move forward, we could fall in love with each other again, I was excited to start a new life. He was at first distant but I saw a little hope in him to....until I had a bad day!!!! Then it goes back to the same fight the same blame game and the same ****ty relationship. He hasn't ever shown remorse (at least not what I understand of remorse), and doesn't seem to want to help me feel better just wants me to get over it so he doesn't have to hear it for the rest of his life.

Then the OW!!! What is she that I am not? Would they have made it together? Would he be the same selfish, controlling A**HOLE he was to me? or were they perfectly compatible? Would she have been the one he wanted to change for? I really don't know??!!! Living in this small town I run into her more often than I am comfortable with...the mall grocery store, driving down the road how F****D up, and he doesn't seem to think I should let that get to me. She is pretty and Im sure fun and funny and is good to the kids she has... what little I know about her seems like she is a good person BUT I hate her!!!! Does she even think about the profound effect she has had on a stangers life??? Sometimes I think about calling her, or writing her, or confronting her....but would any of that help me??? The level of my obsession seems INSANE to me...why can't I just get over this??

I understand that the state of our marriage is my responsibility as much as it was his, but is it now? I have tried to be loving and affectionate and supportive and a good wife again but when I slip and have a bad day it ALL goes to ***T! At first I could let it go and be content that I put my thoughts and feelings out there and was able to hold it in for a while again, and even enjoy the good times we had, now it is everyday that I feel anxious, angry, hurt, and hopeless. I am moving backwards instead of forwards? Husband has been very little help...he is good to me as long as he thinks I am doing ok but other wise distant and uncaring, and when the blow up comes...Down right MEAN, saying incredibly hurtful things and so willing to give up??? I can't seem to give up tho. With our three kids and the life I have helped build and the effort I have put into the last 10 years, how do you walk away?? At this point I don't want to move on with another person or another life, but I cant seem to get this one right.

There is so much that I know I have left out and this is just a confusing, random rant that probably only I can understand, hopefully it helps.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sooo sorry you are having these terrible feelings. This is a long journey as you are finding out. The roller coaster is a long ride, a year is not that long for some people. 

How old are you? What was the "big picture" of your marriage over all before h affair? Does ow have H? If so does he know? 

-sammy


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You haven't moved forward towards healing because you and your husband have rugswept the affair. To me your post comes across as if you are afraid to express your feelings to your husband. You sound scared - scared that he'll be angry or scared that he'll leave.

Because you are afraid to speak to him about it, you have rug-swept it all and your feelings are still about as raw as they were a year ago. You are stuck because something as big and damaging as an affair can't just be ignored.

In order to move forward, you have to be able to talk about it with your husband and your husband has to be willing to listen and stop acting defensively. You won't feel content in your marriage until you know in your heart of hearts that not only does he get it and fully understand what his affair has done to you but that he is unequivocally, 100% sorry for what he's done. Right now, not only does he not understand but he is acting in ways that suggest he is not remorseful.

Unfortunately, you can't force or manufacture a scenario in which to make your husband feel remorseful. You can't shape or control his actions. All you can control is yourself. 

I would ask, what were your husband's consequences for the affair? What did you do when you found out? Did you expose, did you file for D? Did you separate? Did you 180 etc.? 

Also, what have you done to work towards healing? Books, counseling MC/IC? Discussions etc.? 

If your husband is not willing to do the heavy lifting to repair the marriage and help you heal from his infidelity then you need to either - live with it (I don't suggest that) or leave. You can recover a marriage from infidelity but you can't do it alone.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are hurting so much. i can't imagine how painful it must be to see the OW around town. 
let the posters on her help you. don't be afraid to ask for anything.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

It doesn't sound to me like your H brings much to the table, other than a crappy attitude. 

Does he have a job?


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

Our marriage was in a bad state before the A. We fought all the time... about stupid stuff neither of us was willing to compromise. After 8 years of being together we both felt we were giving our all and decided (whether consciously or un) that we could do no more with out losing ourselves. I have a few control and insecurity issues as does he and we could never find a middle to meet at. I thought I did amazing things and changed some of the things he did not like and he took care of me and my kids financially and felt he shouldn't have to change lifestyles to make me comfortable. He liked to drink and did it at home, not out, and I didn't like it. He's impulsive with money and I wasn't so much....after years of arguing about such things I just stopped being nice and got a the point of impatience and irritability that caused me to be mean, unappreciative, and pushed him away. I wasn't able to support him properly though an injury and he resented me for it and started to question my fidelity... in the process of those questions I became worse because I wasn't unfaithful and didn't know how to make him believe that when I thought I was doing nothing wrong....

Eventually, he looked elsewhere (OW) to build his confidence, said it was accident, text from wrong number that ended up in an emotional and "limited" (kissed and hugged, no sex) physical affair. While this was going on, about 6 weeks from what I have deduced, we were seeing a MC to work through our problems because after much resistance I decided that He was what I wanted and we needed some help to get past the past. I think he went to confirm from an outsider that our marriage was hopeless but not actually sure why he attended while seeing OW. On D-day I think he told me because he felt his relationship with OW was secure and was ready to let go of the life we built and be done with me. After discovery I was devastated and in a state of shock, not ready (still not) to give up on something I have put so much of myself into and I still love him so in the heat of shock stopped seeing MC and thought that we could move forward after I took responsibility for my shortcomings in ****ty marriage and assumed with my positive changes in the way I treated him he would follow and we would be able to love each other again. 

Since that day I had to figure out whole story and "drag" it out of him and when having a hard time he avoids dealing and when I blow up he blameshifts and puts me down even more. Which I know has a lot to do with the state I am in....now I have to try and understand why he would say such things and do such things and still try to deal with A???

I know that I am not perfect and my approach to dealing has been the complete wrong way, its just very hard for me to accept that all of me was NOT ENOUGH for him. I guess I just don't understand how people can be so cruel to each other and how some people are so quick and ready to dispose of one that they chose to spend their life with.

OW is not married, divorced actually, blames her XH for not being a good man I guess?? Not sure the whole story there but what I do know is more than I wanted to. Puts more ?'s in my head like What kind of Man does she think my H is, having an affair with her??? Makes no sense to me!!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

UpToNoGood said:


> OW is not married, divorced actually, blames her XH for not being a good man I guess?? Not sure the whole story there but what I do know is more than I wanted to. Puts more ?'s in my head like What kind of Man does she think my H is, having an affair with her??? Makes no sense to me!!!


If she's got kids she's looking for a beta-provider and thinks your husband is that kind of man.

I take it your H is not the father of your kids? how old are they?


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

He is he biological father of my youngest son 8, and adopted my oldest son 12, and has been the dominate father figure in my daughters life 17. 

She does have kids, one is about my youngest sons age, I am scared to death that they will end up going to same school as in a small town eventually all the primary schools end up in the same Middle and High Schools.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

UpToNoGood said:


> He is he biological father of my youngest son 8, and adopted my oldest son 12, and has been the dominate father figure in my daughters life 17.
> 
> She does have kids, one is about my youngest sons age, I am scared to death that they will end up going to same school as in a small town eventually all the primary schools end up in the same Middle and High Schools.


Well, there we go. He is indeed a proven beta-provider with a track record, as this woman obviously understood and the facts of his life confirmed. Unless you want to share his production and resources with her and her kids, plus any they have together, you need to start giving him what he wants in large helpings. If you're still not up for that, file for divorce and stake your claim on his assets and production before OW can tap your revenue stream.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Not a very good marriage to begin with, then the affair.

1. The affair was rugswepted. This is why you are in the state you are in, mentally and emotionally. There was no dealing with it.

2. You own your part in the marriage. That is good.

3. I get the focus on the OW, but the real issue is your husband and what he did. I find it hard to not focus on the OW/OM, but the reality is that your husband cheated.


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

you need to start giving him what he wants in large helpings. 

When I discovered what was going on I understood that I was not giving him what he needed to feel like the man he thought he was, so quite a while I did this for him, expecting I would get the same support in return and be given what I needed from him. He has always been the bread winner but not the sole provider.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

UpToNoGood said:


> you need to start giving him what he wants in large helpings.
> 
> When I discovered what was going on I understood that I was not giving him what he needed to feel like the man he thought he was, so quite a while I did this for him, expecting I would get the same support in return and be given what I needed from him. He has always been the bread winner but not the sole provider.


Then if he still hasn't responded go straight for D. ASAP. If nothing else, it will give him a jolt of reality.


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

Going straight to D isn't as easy as one may think. I have been there before when I was very young and vowed to never do it again. Getting a divorce feels like failing, failing me, my spouse, my kids and everyone I love. Not to mention my inability to do so with out great sacrifice to the lifestyle we have built for ourselves and our children. I got married again because I believed in the integrity of marriage and didn't do so with the attitude that divorce was an option. I wrote on here mostly to vent because I read through threads and so many give that exact answer, just get divorced!!! And at this point divorce isn't the answer I need. Divorce seems to be just as damaging as this suffering. The one thing it may accomplish is that maybe H would see what he lost but I'm very doubtful about that...I think he knows just isn't sure if losing it isn't worth it. Thanks for the concern and the opinion(s).


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

are you certain they only hugged and kissed? 
loads of high schoolers do more than that. 

and if you discovered they had sex, would it change anything?


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

It DOES seem like divorce is the default answer. And I think the reason for that is that a lot of these great people here have been there, and don't wish to see you keep hitting your head against a brick wall over and over (and not expect it to hurt).

I came here a while back too. Not exactly looking for answers or advice, but just to vent and a little support. It helped a lot. I've also followed up with IC and MC and those have also helped a lot.

I have obssesive days too. Obviously, that's why I'm still here...but it's getting better. Both my IC and our MC basically instructed me to focus on myself, to switch gears, and stop making HIM the center of my universe. I have done that and it has made a world of difference in my attitude, mood, well just everything really.

I'm sorry he isn't helping you heal. If divorce isn't an option for whatever the reason (and your reasons are YOUR reasons, no one can tell you that you are right or wrong for deciding that!) Then you have to heal yourself. You can't change him, you can't control him any more than you can control the world spinning. You just have to DECIDE to NOT let him or OW to rent precious space in your head.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing my counselors told me...do something for YOU. Go get a hair cut. Paint your toe nails. Exercise. Dance. Call your best friend. Something. At least one thing a day for JUST YOU. It makes me feel better...and when I start to feel the anxiety, or feel like I might start obssessing again, I just go and do some pushups or situps, or go and try on clothes at the mall, or paint my nails and put little flower stickers on them. It's all stupid stuff, but it's just for me and brightens my day just a little bit.

If he sees that you love you and you respect yourself...his attitude toward you might change. Who knows.

So sorry you are hurting. Good luck.


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

No not certain about the sex, as I was trickle truthed and had to discover most things by elimination and common sense. Would it change anything? IDK....I am in a very weak vulnerable state at the moment and am not sure if I would be strong enough to MAKE it make a difference. 

In my head I know that I am the same strong person that I once was but it has been excruciating and hopeless finding that person again. I know that in order to heal that is what must be done and maybe that is what I am waiting for before I can let go of him and all this bulls**t. I know that even if I walked away tomorrow I would be in the same dark lonely place that I am now and maybe that is why I stay.... because I KNOW he can't be the one to heal me I have to do that on my own, just wishing my healing was as important to him as it should be. It seems that lack of concern keeps me down,

I wrote on here because that is what I want, to be able to help myself get over this, so many people on here have and was looking to find hints or clues as to how they found that path, that strength because I can not seem to find it on my own.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

UpToNoGood said:


> because I KNOW he can't be the one to heal me I have to do that on my own, just wishing my healing was as important to him as it should be. *It seems that lack of concern keeps me down,*
> 
> I wrote on here because that is what I want, to be able to help myself get over this, so many people on here have and was looking to find hints or clues as to how they found that path, that strength because I can not seem to find it on my own.


Of course you can heal; but that's not likely if you stay with him and he's not willing to *help* you.

Otherwise the only way to heal on your own is to be on your own.


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

I want more than anything to move on, preferably with H. This whole thing has completely broken me, I can't imagine living a normal life anymore it seems so dark and horrid. I try to tell myself that I smart, beautiful, fun, a good mom, and all the things that I used to feel about myself but it all just feels like a lie now. I can't see myself moving on with my life it seems like it would just be empty, after this I could never trust that someone really truly loves me again. My H took my whole heart, I put all of myself into believing we would be ok and things would work out because we loved each other and then this. How do you trust love EVER again. From friends or family, or anyone. Are all people just looking out for themselves?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not the person to tell you that if you divorce him, things will be fine, this takes time, etc. Because I've not experienced that myself. I didn't leave my WS. But others have. I'll let them be the ones to encourage you.

But, I can tell you that I know the importance of having a remorseful spouse, because I have experienced that. R is difficult enough even so. I couldn't even imagine staying in my marriage otherwise.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

UTNG,

The best advice that you will receive is the following:

Work on yourself. Do things to improve yourself. Invest in yourself and let your investment speak for itself. The quality of a person is not by how much money they make, how pretty they are, but how much happiness they bring to other people.

Focus on the positive. In your life, many things are happening, good and bad. Let the good ones be what you focus on. Smile everyday. It actually is proven to make you happier. Get sunlight and exercise every day.

You can only control yourself. If you are to be married, it will happen. IF you are not, it will happen. Let it go. You cannot control him or make him do what you want. Stop trying to control your life. Live your life and go with the ebbs and flows.

R or D is up to you but you cannot make him do what he does not want to do.

The girl I am dating is different than the girl I dated before. She doesn't do a lot of things as well as the other girl I dated. It doesn't matter. I don't care. Your H may be a moron, I have no idea. What matters is there is nothing for you to do for him to choose you. Do not worry about him and wonder why. Focus on yourself. I have my bucket list in full swing, I am enjoying life. You were not meant to be miserable but you have to realize that. Happiness is your choice alone.

His choices are his so let him be.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My marriage is in R after my wife finally repented and came clean. But I had reach a point of detachment and I was firmly set on divorce. 

Detachment is an act of the will and a process. I wrote myself notes, did the 180 and really did not say much to her. It was difficult but also a relief when I reach that point of where I really did not care about the marriage.

A small Hummingbird finds strength to flutter their wings and gather nectar to fuel thier little bodies. Some Hummingbirds can fly almost 500 miles in a day. As small as a Hummingbird is they have strength to fly long distances. Never discount the strength you have inside you.


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## UpToNoGood (Apr 5, 2013)

At this point I feel so hopeless... I used to be able to take what he said and let it roll off... move on to the next day and even enjoy the good times that we had. I still do sometimes just now, after the realization that I'm really not it for him, it seems forced or fake and I am not sure how to deal with that. I would like so much to be able to just walk away and be ok but am terrified of what it does to my kids and to my family. He does try when things are good to keep them that way, but that feels forced and fake as well. I really don't know what his honest feelings are. It has been almost a year and a half since everything happened and I seem to be regressing and am not real sure why. We have an appointment to see MC starting next week and not real sure why at this point.... am I going so I can learn to heal and move on or to fix our marriage? 

There are still so many things I am confused about...What will it feel like when I see he IS happier without me? Will he ever really know or accept what he did to me? to our family? to our children? Or does he really not give a s**t at this point? Like at the point of no return? How do you co-parent with someone you don't trust and want to never see? Is it possible to not hate him and just be our childrens' parents?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm one of those that believes just about any body can succumb to adultery under the right circumstances, but people who do so remorselessly are extremely self-centered and lacking in empathy.

How old are you how many kids do you have?


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

UTNG, this is what I am hearing from your posts (please disregard if I'm barking up the wrong tree)...

I hear a woman who has tried her very best to change herself and fix her part of a rocky marriage, and is distraught that it isn't fixed. 

I hear a description of a husband who only wants a marriage with a wife who is trying to be delightful, and rejects her when she slips. I'm also hearing about a husband who isn't grasping how devastatingly painful it is to be cheated on and just wants it all to go away. 

I'm hearing a wife who thinks that if she could just stop obsessing then everything would improve. 

I'm asking myself why your husband decided to stay rather than leaving you for this available woman. I think you said he was on the cusp of leaving. Why did he stay? Do you have more power in this than you think?

I think you have to ask yourself whether you really want to save a marriage that wasn't making you happy before the affair, or are you actually very frightened of the alternative? There's no shame in that. It's a big, scary world out there when you have kids to protect, and women will go through all kinds of nonsense when they (sometimes mistakenly) think it's the best decision for their kid's security. 

My experience is that information gives strength. I know this is incredibly painful, but have you given serious thought to how you would manage without him? I felt 200% better once I'd spoken to a lawyer because I knew where I stood financially. I had no idea how well I would do from getting rid of the horrible man who I thought had ruined _me_. Do you work? Could you support yourself? Where would you live? Just rhetorical questions, but if you have a plan it will give you confidence and he will subconsciously pick up on that, giving you a stronger hand should you decide to rebuild. 

My opinion, now that my head has cleared, is that obsessing over the details is futile. We will never know every detail, but we do need to know where the land lies NOW. Is it definitely over? Does he even want to rebuild, or is he staying out of a sense of responsibility/scared of the financial repercussions? All questions for you not to answer here.


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