# My Past Is Haunting Me



## NeedHelpWithHusband

Hello, 
I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.


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## 3Xnocharm

Stop letting religion rule your feelings about behaving like a normal human being. Its unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with what you did in the past, but letting it control your life is. I think you need to be in therapy if you arent already. Is your husband wanting to leave because of how you self flagellate? If so then you seriously need to get yourself some help.


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## wilson

It is very common to remember past relationships. God would not have given you the ability to remember if He didn't want you have memories. 

But it sounds like there are more issues than just thinking about past relationships. Being overly focused on trying to be perfect is something that you should talk with a doctor or therapist about. There are many techniques and medications that are designed to help you not be so obsessed with those kinds of thoughts. It's totally possible for you to change so that you can be more relaxed and less worried about these kinds of details. Before you make any big decisions about the path of your life, talk to a doctor and get these thoughts under control. It will make it much easier to think about the future and will likely greatly help the relationship with your husband.


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## Adelais

@NeedHelpWithHusband since you stated you are a Christian, and I am also a Christian, I'm going to give you advice based on our mutual faith.

Jesus died for all your imperfections, whether intentional or unintentional. When you stop doing something that is wrong, and you repent (meaning you ask God for forgiveness, determine to never do it again, with God's help, and make restitution to anyone you hurt by your sin) you are completely forgiven, as if it never happened. The Bible figuratively says your sins are as far away from you as a rock thrown to the bottom of the sea. When that scripture was written, no one could reach the deepest floor of the ocean to retrieve anything, so that meant your sins were permanently GONE once God had forgiven them. And that was written before Jesus came to take on himself the sins of the entire world, so that anyone, not just Hebrews, could be released from the condemnation of their sins. One only needs to repent and receive Jesus' gift that he paid your ransom.

What kind of Christian church/people do you fellowship with? Do they strive for (their form of) perfection or holiness? Do they have a lot of rules they live by that are extrabiblical (not actually in the Bible)? If so, you are under (their man-made) bondage, and not under God's grace.

As a Christian, you are not forever condemned by your past sins. God doesn't require perfection, he requires love, for God and man.

Micah 6:8 New International Version (NIV)
8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly[a] with your God.

Speak with your pastor about your concerns. Get a Christian counselor who can walk you through self forgiveness. God has forgiven you, and you need to continually forgive yourself.

Your sister in Christ,
Araucaria


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

This may sound simplistic, but it's so very true:
All that matters is who you are now.

That is true regardless of your faith. In Christianity, the central focus is on forgiveness. Anyone who is truly repentant is forgiven. 

Now, you know who needs to forgive you the most? You do. If Jesus can forgive you, so can you. 

You are human, and humans make mistakes. Humans also have a bad habit of carrying unnecessary baggage, which is the bad habit you are indulging now. Stop being self-indulgent. 

I have to echo the question as to why your husband is struggling in your marriage. Does he have a problem with your past or is he struggling with who you are now?


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## Lostinthought61

Need Help you have to stop sabotaging your life…none of us are perfect…not your husband, not you and none of us….your continuous thinking of the past is going to drive you into a mental breakdown. the past is the past, learn from it, both the good and bad of it and move on. having said that, i wonder on some leave you are not in some way lusting not for the person but the experience you had with them that you are not seeing in your current experiences with your husband? if that is the case this can be rectified through honest and open communications with your husband.


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## Tasorundo

Quick question: Why are you thinking about these previous encounters? Is it guilt that you are holding on to or is it something in your marriage that is making you fall into fantasizing about them?

If it is the guilt, you are set free in Christ. We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. No one sin is worse than another, and Christ died to cleanes them. If you are still holding on to it, you need to work on letting that go and forgiving yourself.

If it is something in your marriage, you need to figure out what is going on, work with your husband and find out a solution. I could be reading a lot into your post, but I just got a vibe like things are not going well in the sex department and you are falling into a fantasy relationship with your past.


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## Casual Observer

I think the fundamental question here is why your husband doesn’t want to stay married to you. Did you hide your past from him prior to marriage?


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## sokillme

Please explain the last line in your post. We need some context in that statement. Is it just this? Did you lie to him about your past or something? Has the guilt caused you to stop wanting to be intimate with him?

I will try to answer as best as I can without know the full details. Couple things. As a Christian you are supposed to be a new creation right? Be mindful of that when you start to feel guilt. Remember you need Christ because you are NOT perfect not so that you now have to be. People should go to church because they are sinners not because they are perfect. If you were perfect you wouldn't need Christ. Go in peace. 

Do you generally have anxiety in your life? Circular thinking? If so that might be something you want to talk to someone about. If you tend to do this then you can do things that help you discipline your mind when doing that. Maybe look into that.

Finally and here is the big one. Are you remembering because that remembrance is better then how you feel things are now with your husband? I get that is painful, and yes if you were a virgin you wouldn't know, but that is not the case. I should say life moves on 95% of all people were not, and I hate to brake it to you lots and lots of Christians are not. Assuming he knew about it and told you he was cool with it, then it's on him to get over it. First of all from a Christian perspective it's your sin not his. Second he was well within his rights before you got married to say it was a deal beaker not after. 

OK now really to the big one. Were you more satisfied in the past then you are with your husband? Yeah that is rough but you need address it. The good news is sex is not static. If you are not happy you can both work on it. But you need to be honest. Gently, tactfully. I know from a husbands perspective I would hope my wife tells me in any way she is unhappy (assuming it's reasonable). Yes this will have to be handled gently but you don't even have to say you are unhappy you can just try to make it fun. Let's try this it will be fun kind of thing. Also look for ways to help him get charged up too. 

Yes it's difficult for religious people but it's not a sin, it's just bad teaching that some feel guilty. It's supposed to be great.


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## personofinterest

NeedHelpWithHusband said:


> Hello,
> I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.


If you never told your husband about your past until after marriage, then THAT is likely the problem. He feels duped.

If he knew, then YOU need to take these thoughts captive. As a Christian, you know this. You CAN do it. When the thought enters your head, replace it with scripture or thoughts of your husband. This is a self-control issue.

You are choosing to obsess and worry. Just stop.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> Stop letting religion rule your feelings about behaving like a normal human being. Its unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with what you did in the past, but letting it control your life is. I think you need to be in therapy if you arent already. Is your husband wanting to leave because of how you self flagellate? If so then you seriously need to get yourself some help.


Sorry, telling someone who has faith that they should not listen to the tenets of their faith (basically dismissing it) it NOT good advice. Using someone else's struggle as a chance to bash religion is classless and unhelpful.


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## SunCMars

NeedHelpWithHusband said:


> I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.


Your husband does not want to stay married to you for another reason, not 'nether' reasons.

If you are a bundle of nerves, continually flapping your wings, always asking for forgiveness.

Always saying, "I am sorry".

You said that you always over analyze. That is your biggest problem. You likely do not know how to relax, live life to the fullest.

It sounds like your husband is often criticizing you for not being a virgin when he married you.

Plus, you mentioned that you fight having lust in your heart, lust for past loves. 
Ah, those loves that will not be still, lay still in your memories.

Powerful memories they must have been. Likely this and that they were secretly enjoyable.

And because these first love affairs were enjoyable, they are hard to forget.

Is this the reason for your regret?
You truly did enjoy them?

If so, do not look at them as bad happenings. Think the opposite. Many married virgins later regret not having more and varied relationships, prior to marriage.

This is a natural part of growing up in the Western World. 

What is your country of origin? Is that something that might be impacting your thoughts? 

Are you Baptist or Jehovah's Witness? Even some Amish 'allow' their girls to have sex prior to marriage.

Marriage is intended to last forever. Any sowing of oats needs to be had before engagement and marriage.

If this is primarily your husband shaming you, then divorce is in your best interest. 
If this is you feeling tainted and tempted by past loves, relax, enjoy your married life. 

The past is done, it cannot be rewritten. Remember the good times, learn from the bad.


KB-


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## StarFires

our post is so cryptic and confusing that everyone is trying to guess at what you might be talking about. So please explain what it is you are saying with details.

1. I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. 

How does it cause problems in your relationship?

2. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. 

You say you don't want to feel like you are lusting after your past relationships, so do you lust after them or not? The way you worded it doesn't tell us if your thoughts make you lustful or not.

It seems like what you're telling us is that you can't stop thinking about your past sexual experiences and that you can't stop thinking about them causes you worry. If that is what you're saying, then it's perfectly normal to think about things you liked in the past. I think about my experiences quite often, in fact I talk about them on this board all the time. But they don't make me lustful because I am happy in my marriage and sexually satisfied with my husband. So, I wonder if what you're trying to tell us is that you are not happy and satisfied in marriage, and so you think about the feelings you had in the past.

3. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.

This sounds like some degree of OCD and you need to talk with a therapist. No one here can help you with that kind of disorder, only a medical or psychiatric professional can help you with these kinds of tendencies. It makes me think you have become fixated on your past just as something else to over-analyze and worry about and if you didn't have those experiences to fixate on, then you would find something else to worry about and some other reason to strive for perfection. This isn't to say there is anything wrong with you. It only means you need help learning how to control yourself and perhaps some medication to help you along the way. It's actually very common for people to have some kind of mental of emotional disorder because the fact of life is that nobody is perfect. I maintain a spotlessly clean and organized home, but I'm messy because I don't like straightening up. I'd rather be on my knees scrubbing the tub or toilet than to have to pick my clothes up off the floor. So, my husband picks up after me a lot. A good example is this morning when I tipped a box of cereal over and Apple Jacks flew all over the floor. He knows me and knew I wasn't going to sweep it, so he just got the broom and swept it up, and I was right behind him mopping the floor. See the difference in how weird I am? I hate for anything to be dirty, but I also hate picking up my own messes. He picks up so I can clean up. It works for us, but I don't doubt I get on his nerves sometimes. When a person is unable to control or at least balance their idiosyncrasies, then it affects other people around them. You need help knowing that perfection is not attainable or to at least be able to control your impulsive need to be perfect. He doesn't want to have to constantly be bothered with these things he cannot control and you don't try to control. You don't have to be embarrassed talking to the right people that can help.


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## Blondilocks

Did your husband know you weren't a virgin when you married? If yes, then calm down. A wedding ceremony doesn't cause amnesia so you're bound to have memories of your life before marriage. Accept it - it's a part of life.


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## aquarius1

StarFires said:


> our post is so cryptic and confusing that everyone is trying to guess at what you might be talking about. So please explain what it is you are saying with details.
> 
> 1. I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret.
> 
> How does it cause problems in your relationship?
> 
> 2. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting.
> 
> You say you don't want to feel like you are lusting after your past relationships, so do you lust after them or not? The way you worded it doesn't tell us if your thoughts make you lustful or not.
> 
> It seems like what you're telling us is that you can't stop thinking about your past sexual experiences and that you can't stop thinking about them causes you worry. If that is what you're saying, then it's perfectly normal to think about things you liked in the past. I think about my experiences quite often, in fact I talk about them on this board all the time. But they don't make me lustful because I am happy in my marriage and sexually satisfied with my husband. So, I wonder if what you're trying to tell us is that you are not happy and satisfied in marriage, and so you think about the feelings you had in the past.
> 
> 3. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.
> *
> This sounds like some degree of OCD and you need to talk with a therapist*. No one here can help you with that kind of disorder, only a medical or psychiatric professional can help you with these kinds of tendencies. It makes me think you have become fixated on your past just as something else to over-analyze and worry about and if you didn't have those experiences to fixate on, then you would find something else to worry about and some other reason to strive for perfection. This isn't to say there is anything wrong with you. It only means you need help learning how to control yourself and perhaps some medication to help you along the way. It's actually very common for people to have some kind of mental of emotional disorder because the fact of life is that nobody is perfect. I maintain a spotlessly clean and organized home, but I'm messy because I don't like straightening up. I'd rather be on my knees scrubbing the tub or toilet than to have to pick my clothes up off the floor. So, my husband picks up after me a lot. A good example is this morning when I tipped a box of cereal over and Apple Jacks flew all over the floor. He knows me and knew I wasn't going to sweep it, so he just got the broom and swept it up, and I was right behind him mopping the floor. See the difference in how weird I am? I hate for anything to be dirty, but I also hate picking up my own messes. He picks up so I can clean up. It works for us, but I don't doubt I get on his nerves sometimes. When a person is unable to control or at least balance their idiosyncrasies, then it affects other people around them. You need help knowing that perfection is not attainable or to at least be able to control your impulsive need to be perfect. He doesn't want to have to constantly be bothered with these things he cannot control and you don't try to control. You don't have to be embarrassed talking to the right people that can help.



That's exactly what stood out to me StarFires. The fact that this happens with other aspects of your life and it brings you great distress. Talk to your doctor about this. It may be that you are stuck in the OCD loop and religion and pre-marital sex are the focus of your obsessions. Everyone's are different. For some its washing, some checking things, some religion etc. Just another aspect to consider.


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## ConanHub

StarFires said:


> our post is so cryptic and confusing that everyone is trying to guess at what you might be talking about. So please explain what it is you are saying with details.
> 
> 1. I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret.
> 
> How does it cause problems in your relationship?
> 
> 2. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting.
> 
> You say you don't want to feel like you are lusting after your past relationships, so do you lust after them or not? The way you worded it doesn't tell us if your thoughts make you lustful or not.
> 
> It seems like what you're telling us is that you can't stop thinking about your past sexual experiences and that you can't stop thinking about them causes you worry. If that is what you're saying, then it's perfectly normal to think about things you liked in the past. I think about my experiences quite often, in fact I talk about them on this board all the time. But they don't make me lustful because I am happy in my marriage and sexually satisfied with my husband. So, I wonder if what you're trying to tell us is that you are not happy and satisfied in marriage, and so you think about the feelings you had in the past.
> 
> 3. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.
> 
> This sounds like some degree of OCD and you need to talk with a therapist. No one here can help you with that kind of disorder, only a medical or psychiatric professional can help you with these kinds of tendencies. It makes me think you have become fixated on your past just as something else to over-analyze and worry about and if you didn't have those experiences to fixate on, then you would find something else to worry about and some other reason to strive for perfection. This isn't to say there is anything wrong with you. It only means you need help learning how to control yourself and perhaps some medication to help you along the way. It's actually very common for people to have some kind of mental of emotional disorder because the fact of life is that nobody is perfect. I maintain a spotlessly clean and organized home, but I'm messy because I don't like straightening up. I'd rather be on my knees scrubbing the tub or toilet than to have to pick my clothes up off the floor. So, my husband picks up after me a lot. A good example is this morning when I tipped a box of cereal over and Apple Jacks flew all over the floor. He knows me and knew I wasn't going to sweep it, so he just got the broom and swept it up, and I was right behind him mopping the floor. See the difference in how weird I am? I hate for anything to be dirty, but I also hate picking up my own messes. He picks up so I can clean up. It works for us, but I don't doubt I get on his nerves sometimes. When a person is unable to control or at least balance their idiosyncrasies, then it affects other people around them. You need help knowing that perfection is not attainable or to at least be able to control your impulsive need to be perfect. He doesn't want to have to constantly be bothered with these things he cannot control and you don't try to control. You don't have to be embarrassed talking to the right people that can help.


QFT.

You still with us OP?


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## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Sorry, telling someone who has faith that they should not listen to the tenets of their faith (basically dismissing it) it NOT good advice. Using someone else's struggle as a chance to bash religion is classless and unhelpful.


This is not what she is saying. 

OP here is apparently obsessing about things that NO ONE should obsess about. 

I think there is more going on here than we know. 

However, OP, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"... That is a verse that you should keep in mind all day, as you make an appointment for therapy so you can figure out what is going on...


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## Tilted 1

NeedHelpWithHusband;19930969
I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me .[/QUOTE said:


> When you accidentally lusting over them do you inform your husband of his short comings in comparison? I am trying to find out why your husband does not want to be with you.


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## skerzoid

NeedHelpWithHusband said:


> Hello,
> I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.


NHWH:

1. *No religion that I know of taught against sex except for the Shakers.* They died out for lack of reproduction.

2. *Sex was created by God.* So was marriage. Christianity teaches that sex outside of marriage is to be avoided, but that is rarely the case. 

3. *Sex was created to be enjoyable.* Otherwise, none of us would be here. But anything that is enjoyable is also addictive. It needs boundaries. 

4. *Jesus gave his life that we could be forgiven.* He paid the price so we could live eternally. 

5. *You need to explain why your husband is unhappy so we can give you advice.*


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## Cynthia

As a Christian, it is important for you to get to know God. I recommend you spend at least 15 minutes per day praying and meditating on the love of God and reading the Bible from cover to cover over and over again. I also recommend you purchase and read this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JGOFNMA/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
This book will help you understand that God loves you and that you don't have to worry about anything.


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## BarbedFenceRider

You have been joined together into one....By God. Therefore, by having intimate thoughts of lust and passion is NOT bad. But, your eyes need to be firmly in the eyes of your husband. More "bonding" with each other will create more lust for each other. Not getting intimacy with a partner, can lead eyes to be looking backward in time. And making mistakes and betrayal in the future....


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## StarFires

oops posted this to the wrong thread.


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## Asterix

NeedHelpWithHusband said:


> Hello,
> I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.


I have a suggestion To help you reduce the number of times you think about your past physical relationships. As many times as possible, be physically intimate with your partner. Switch up the venues. The kitchen, living room, the back yard, neighbour's backyards are all fair game. You may even want to consider the local library. Do lots of roleplay. Make lots and lots and lots of new memories. I think this will make your husband a very happy man and will help you build new memories that you won't be able to easily forget. you probably wouldn't want to forget them either.


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## Blondilocks

@MattMatt , time for Zombie Kitty.


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## Casual Observer

Yep. OP last seen the day of the original post.


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## 352744

@NeedHelpWithHusband I struggle with these things also. I am also a Christian who has failed sexually in the past. I have had sexual intercourse outside of marriage (which I deeply regret and have repented of) and used to struggle with pornography. I am also an over-thinker with a real problem of getting fixated on things. In fact, the way you describe the inner-workings of your mind could be used to describe me at times. There are a lot of things you mention that need addressing, which I'm assuming just makes you more overwhelmed, being an over-thinker. 

But I want to encourage you. @Adelais had some good points in their post above. The most important thing for you is your relationship with Jesus, and He is always willing to forgive when we repent and ask for forgiveness. I do not really have the time (or eloquence in speaking) to go into as much detail as I want. But I have included some articles that have helped me and I hope will you too.









The Key to Killing Lust


Strategies are important in our battle against lust. But nothing arrests our souls with the urgency of purity like the supremacy of Jesus Christ.




www.desiringgod.org













How to Deal with the Guilt of Sexual Failure for the Glory of Christ and His Global Cause


Satan will certainly remind you of your sinful failures. But Christ has defeated both the devil and sin to give you a redeemed passion.




www.desiringgod.org


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## Tested_by_stress

Necro thread alert!


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