# Depression and infdelity



## chilli (Jul 12, 2015)

I will try to keep it short as poss...

My husband suffers from quite severe recurrent depression which we have discovered is worse in winter (SAD). The last two winters have been destroyed for us. The winter before last he had a breakdown and lost the ability to cope with work/kids, etc. Over the spring and summer of the next year he improved, having had some medication and counselling, but I never really felt like he properly 'came back'. I thought perhaps just a little more time as it was a pretty big crash.... every month or so I would remind him our relationship wasn't quite right and could we try to do something. He would agree but little would happen.

Come winter last year, on the internet he met a woman. I should add he wasn't looking for infidelity, not on dating sites or anything like that. This woman was part of a group in a game we played. They both seemed to share depressive traits and quickly fell into a friendship built on what he believed was a mutual understanding of how it felt to be them. In the space of a few weeks instead of him and I being a team, it became the two of them against the rest of the world. Me included in 'the rest of the world'.

Their relationship became inappropriate, discussing things they shouldn't, about me, about sex, about what they wanted to do, about how everything about them was fine and it was the rest of them (me, everyone else) that was wrong, for not just accepting them as they are.

I was pushed away, completely. He said he didn't know if he loved me enough, didn't know if he wanted our life together, just wanted 'what he wanted'

This continued for two months over december and january before eventually, unable to cope anymore, I read their messages so I could confront him, which I did. There was no plan for them to meet or have a physical relationship but their friendship was not appropriate. He spent every spare moment talking to her at the expense of me and our children. He was completely held in their world of fantasy.

My research has defined it as an emotional affair.

Immediately after the confrontation, where he realised I was not going to fight for him anymore, I was ready to let him go. He said it felt like waking up. The other person was dropped quickly and no more contact was had. 

Then came the difficult bit. trying to understand and rebuild.

We've been going to counselling, and he has agreed to try a lightbox for winter, and making plans to manage his symptoms of depression better, medicating if necessary. He accepts that he put barriers up between us after his first depression and is trying hard to bring them down, understanding that his detachment from me made it easier for him to walk into trouble.

I can understand that deep in a depressive state, it was easier for him to immerse himself in a fantasy world rather than deal with the problems in the real one. I can kind of see how it happened and understand it to a degree.

But I still feel betrayed. I'm still hurt. I still can't 100% understand.

it's trying to put two conflicting thoughts together, without them cancelling each other out... 

If he loved me, he wouldn't have done this vs he did this mostly because he was caught in depression.

it's hard. Really hard.

He is committed to rebuilding, committed to finding solutions for his depression. He is trying. I don't know how to allow myself to properly reinvest myself, I don't feel safe. Times pass where I feel myself starting to trust, starting to feel safer and then I push it away for self preservation. Possibly denying myself our way forwards out of fear.

If anyone has any insight to depression and infidelity, I'd be grateful for your input and discussion, suggestions of books or articles or previous postings. Thank you in advance, I'm Sorry it still ended up a long post.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I can only remark on what you wrote and am not a medical doctor but depression is a disease. People do irrational things when afflicted. That may not entirely excuse what he did but I think it's a significant factor. 

It seems like you want to believe him but are understandably hurt by his actions. Only you can decide which side of you will prevail.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Understand that what your H did he did, depression and the rest aside, because he wanted to. You must also understand, if he is being truthful, that what he is doing now, working to save the marriage, is what he wants to do. The thought of losing his family was a wake up call and has become his motivation to improve and move forward. People will ultimately show their true intent so, pay little attention to what he says but do allow yourself to begin trusting what he does.

It takes great effort to go against your natural inclinations and it cannot be sustained long term. Therefore, if he is not sincere, he will once again begin to act accordingly, reverting back to his "true" nature. If, however, he continues to display this new altered behavior then you must begin to accept that his epiphany was indeed genuine.

There are no gaurantees in life, no such thing as a sure thing. The best you can hope for is that he is being honest and his wants have indeed changed. Now it is up to your wants. If you see definite, sustained improvement and you want to save your family then your trust must be placed in him again. If you do not want that then you will act accordingly, not trust/believe him and you two will split despite his best efforts. Hopefully his new wants and your wants coincide for the sake of your family, I sincerely wish that to be the case. In any event I wish you good fortune.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is hard on you because it is still so raw. Give it time and see how you feel 6 months, one year from now. We never think that our spouse can do something so bad to hurt us but many do. I think we need to understand the whys and realise that none of us are perfect, some will make more mistakes than others granted. 
Have you sought IC for yourself? You have to put more into yourself from now on and take it from there and it will help you heal.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I do understand how you feel. You feel betrayed because you were betrayed.

My ex also suffered from recurrent major depression. At its worst he also suffered psychosis and anxiety with underlying paranoia. He was also a serial cheater, and verbally and emotionally abusive. Unlike your H, mine never had that wake-up moment and continues to maintain that everyone else in the world is the cause of all his problems.

I used to make excuses for his behavior because disease. I stopped. One of the only therapists he would agree to see told us that his disease may help explain poor choices, but does not excuse them. They remain his choices and the consequences were his to own. He can either do the hard work necessary to adequately deal with his disease, and with our marriage, or not. He doesn't like hard work, and chose more women instead.

What has your H done to make recovery easier for you? Has he given you complete access to his accounts, has he written a no contact letter to the OW? Are you able to share your pain when you trigger? If these things are not taking place, he's not doing his part to help you heal. Do not give him a pass because of his illness. The depression might have prevented him from appreciating the extent of the consequences of his actions, but it did not transform him into an unfaithful husband. He must own that apart from his illness.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear chilli,

I am sorry you have to go through this. A few observations and suggestions:



chilli said:


> I will try to keep it short as poss...
> 
> My husband suffers from quite severe recurrent depression which we have discovered is worse in winter (SAD). The last two winters have been destroyed for us. The winter before last he had a breakdown and lost the ability to cope with work/kids, etc. Over the spring and summer of the next year he improved, having had some medication and counselling, but I never really felt like he properly 'came back'. I thought perhaps just a little more time as it was a pretty big crash.... every month or so I would remind him our relationship wasn't quite right and could we try to do something. He would agree but little would happen.
> 
> ...


One question: do you and your H have children? As you contemplate what to do, let me suggest that the answer to this question if highly relevant. If so, than your decision whether to attempt reconciliation or not must be taken with some consideration of the impact on your children. If not, than your decision is simplified as a practical matter, although not necessarily any easier emotionally.

I wish you the best possible outcome.


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## bobbycharles50$$ (Jul 14, 2015)

I did the same,
I am the man that cheated.
This sucks.
My affair was 3 months long and it's been over a year since my affair ended.
1 year 2 months to be more precise.
I didn't love my ap.
My wife still to this day thinks I'm lying.
This sucks and I need help.
We have been over and over this story and timeline for so long.
She still thinks I'm lying.
Can any of you actually remember what you talked about with your ap every single day.
My wife wants to think that I had this incredible romantic and intimate relationship with my ap.
This sucks.
I'm not lying to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Compassion and accountability are not at odds against each other. I even suggest that holding people accountable is usually the compassionate thing to do because it gives them motivation to change that they might not have had otherwise. And let's face it, feeling like your a bad person fuels depression. If there's no heavy lifting and hard work for your husband then he may self punish himself rather than feeling like he's working to be a better person.


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## chilli (Jul 12, 2015)

I'm off to work soon, I've been reading and will formulate a proper reply later. I would have done it last night but I was falling asleep on the sofa at 2100, I think the whole period of time has taken all my energy away.

A few answers to q's.

We do have kids, one is 10 (not his originally, my first husband died) and another almost 3. They are a factor and although I know they need to be considered, neither of us will stay in the marriage just for them.

At the time I think he thought he loved the ow, but as soon as he saw I was about to kick him out he knew he didn't. It was all mostly about having something to hang on to that backed him up that he *wasn't sick* when he absolutely was. It was all pretend. But still hurts.

The above statements doesn't mean he is behaving just to keep a roof over his head. We both have income enough to support ourselves separately.

I am committed to rebuilding our marriage, If we can have most of what we had before, or different but just as good/better, then I want it. I just don't quite know how to get it.

We are both having individual as well as joint counselling, with the same counsellor. I think she is very good, but due to work commitments and kids, we can't go more than once every few weeks. Counsellor is currently on holiday so won't see her now until later in August, which made me have a massive wobble just last week.

He does hold himself accountable, He is very ashamed of hurting me and what he did. We have spoken a lot about stuff and he absolutely does not think it was right. He can't quite understand why he did it either beyond the 'only one who believed I wasn't ill' type comments. I'm hoping continued counselling will help him, but ultimately the answers may not come beyond that. 

Bobby Charles, my husband can't remember much. I think that is part depression clouding it, and part coping mechanism. He has blocked out the details. I know (I think... I wobble sometimes) that my husband didn't love her. But... for a time he pushed me away and devoted all his time and mental/emotional energy to her, it is hard to forgive, as betrayed spouses on any level we are made to feel second best and rejected. I hope you and your wife can move past it. I appreciate your posting, it isn't easy always to put yourself forwards saying 'I did that' 

I feel like we are on the verge of turning a corner, and my body is just rebelling. It's like.... WHAT?! NO, don't do that..... he might hurt you again. Maybe that explains why I'm so tired physically too.

The stupid thing is, if I take a step back and look at it from a different perspective.... I think he has learned a lot from this. He is taking his depression seriously in a way Ive never seen him do before. If we were to split I really don't think he would cheat on a future partner. 95% of me I think, believes he won't do it again to me. But it was just so devastating it isn't easy to move on past.

Ok I know I've missed questions and comments, but I need to get going or I will be late.

I appreciate all your comments, even the ones that may have felt harsh to write. I know sometimes what we need to hear isn't what we want to hear (would have been good if husband felt that in December lol)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Follow your gut. If you don't trust him there is a reason. Sometimes the reason is your partner and sometimes its you, but there's a reason.

And part of holding him accountable has to include his 100% accountability for his health. He must manage the meds, make the appointments, go to counseling. He MUST do it on his own, or the recovery will be meaningless.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Also, OP, keep in mind that the average time for healing from an affair is 2-5 _years_. I would say that it's completely natural for you to still be hesitant at this point. 

You don't have to commit to staying forever right now. But, do consider whether or not your husband has done enough for you to stay for today? This week? This month? As long as you're still willing to move a little forward with him, then R is still possible. If you ever realize that your husband isn't doing enough (actions, not words) for you to continue moving forward that little bit with him, then it will be time to take a very hard look at R.


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## chilli (Jul 12, 2015)

Maneo, I'm hoping that it being a significant factor will be enough for me to eventually forgive him. I know I couldn't be with someone who just did this routinely.

NOchoice, yes he does accept that on some level he made bad choices. I'm a little scared that perhaps he was always this person and hid it, but could he hide it for over 5 years? I don't know! He seems to be doing the right things now.

Aine, yes I'm having counselling for myself, and have been guilty in the past of not taking time out for myself. I've stopped that and now I demand it.

Pluto2 I'm sorry to hear your story  as for your q's yes, I have full access now to his iPad and phone, he didn't do a no contact letter as such, but we would be silly to contact now to do that. They have had no communication since the end of January. She hasn't tried as far as I know and either has he (as far as I know- I *feel* he is truthful) As for what he is doing to help us, he is attending the counselling both joint and individual, making effort to plan around his shifts what we can do as a couple and as a family. Making plans for what to do and how to manage in winter, and formulating a survival plan for if he becomes severely ill again. Included in this is a clause where he must attend doctor or counsellor if I ask him to at any time. Winter will need to come and go before I can know if he sticks to these plans though. I can talk to him when I trigger but he does sometimes become defensive, he is defensive by nature anyway so the stress adds to it. We keep talking though and it is getting better, he does try to support me when I tell him I'm struggling. I do try to listen to my instincts as I knew something was going on in December without any evidence. 

Carmen I think I have answered most of yours, I know my own counselling is important. I also know I can't take any one uneducated view and assume it as evidence for my situation, but it does help to gather the insights of others I think. In any case it fulfils my need to speak about it within this type of environment where it feels safe to do so, with many experiences of others to gain insight from.

Bobbycharles, I hope you and your wife get through this, I'd recommend counselling for sure as I'm pretty sure we would otherwise have separated.

Thundar, it was an interesting idea that compassion and accountability are not at odds. I guess in some ways I have felt if I accept illness as a factor that I am diminishing the crime committed. I guess that doesn't need to be true.

Brabriggs yes I want to believe him, but I'm also capable of living along and won't believe him unless I really do, if that makes sense.

Rowan, it is a flaw of mine to be impatient. It is a struggle! But yes, for the moment he is doing all I would ask of him. I can only hope it continues.

Thanks again to all, sorry if I missed anything.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

chilli,

I'm impressed by how intelligently you are dealing with this.

Hope things are working out the way you want.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

HI Chilli Sorry for what you are going through and i wish you and ur family the best. I would like to address a point that i'm not sure anyone has yet. When you are depressed you tend to isolate urself and in a severe state it feels like you are drowning and when you are drowning and someone offers support you will grab it no matter where it comes from. Also depression tends to cause the depressed person to build walls between them and those that care about them. To add to this a husband and father can feel like showing weakness is a sign of being a bad mate. This is not to excuse him for whatever he did do. As a member of a family and husband you agree to lean on ur spouse for support and as an adult you are responsible for your actions. Good luck


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I agree with Carmen. After reading your posts chili there was an aha moment of oh that's how it's suppose to go.
Good on you.


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