# How do I listen better?



## Dizzy (Jun 3, 2009)

My husband and I have recently come through a pretty dark time in our 20 year marriage. For about a year we were fighting constantly and it was rare that an argument didn't include one of us asking, "If you're so miserable, why are you still here?" With both of us struggling to have conversations without the snotty comments to each other we've managed to reach a point where talking is easier again and we can bring up issues without going to the really nasty arguments.


We still have some ongoing issues that we're trying to work on and I need some advice. H feels like I just don't listen to him a lot of the time. Not the kind of listening when you're sitting face to face and having a conversation but the kind where you say "Did you hear...?" and he says "I told you that yesterday! See what I mean about not listening to me?"

My usual defense has 2 points to it. First, I grew up in a large family and if you ever wanted to watch a TV show, read a book, or do your homework, you figured out how to tune things out or you'd go insane. Secondly, our only child is our son who is 12 years old and has autism. Through most of his life I have been the one to stay home with him and my H works outside the home. Our son has a lot of repetitive speech and behaviors. One of which is replaying an interesting part of a video 30-40 times in a row. I've always felt that I had a good knack for tuning out the "noise" and picking up when something needed my attention.

When I try to explain that it's not that I'm not listening, it's just that I didn't hear him. He feels like sometimes I just consider him background noise and if I cared more I would be more aware of when he's speaking to me.

Any suggestions on how to work on paying better attention? It's not like I'm not interested in what he has to say, I'm just so wrapped up sometimes in what I'm doing that I don't even hear him speaking. I feel like it's just a bad habit I need to find a way to break but he feels that there are deeper issues going on. I want to show him that I do care but not sure how to go about changing my behavior.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Don't get offended, but have you had your hearing checked in the last 5 or so years. You've been married 20 years. I'd check that first.

My dh had stopped listening to me, and I discovered he is going deaf! :scratchhead: 

AND as we all age, it is harder to HEAR when there is ANY background noise going on...


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## Dizzy (Jun 3, 2009)

Offended? No. Amused? Yes  I actually suggested that to him one time and he thought I was just making excuses. But to hear someone else say it makes me think I should have it checked. If it was a hearing issue though, wouldn't you think someone else in my family or my friends would say "Hey! Can't you hear I'm talking to you?"


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I think some people really need to *know* that the other person paid attention to them - it's how they are told they are special. Some people really need visual clues to remember stuff. I feel a very much like you describe your husband in my marriage. Many times, in the regular course of a day's conversations, my husband interacts with me (also the kids) as if he is paying attention, but then later completely forgets about the conversation - not so great when making plans. 
This is especially hurtful to someone who grew up feeling as if no one really paid attention. So, my advice includes three parts. One. Try to understand if he felt ignored as a child...it could help you determine if his hurt feelings are real or just a way to throw some guilt your way. Two. You might also want to explain your own childhood communication patterns and ask his help to give you visual or emotional clues to remember the things he tells you. Three. Stop and ask him questions about what he is telling you to engage your brain in the communication a bit more than you do with your son. 

:corkysm60:Good luck. Kudos for looking for ways to improve your listening skills.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i had the same problem with my wife years ago. when she didn't remember something i said i thought she was being dismissive.

as we grew to know one another i learned that she was indeed a busy person and as much as the little boy in me would like her full attention any time i had something to say, i did not have it. and oh gasp! sometimes my wife had more important things on her mind than what i was talking about. go figure.

here's how i solved the problem: when i have something to say and she's busy with something else, i wait quietly for a moment and when she pauses i catch her attention. 

i then start to say what i wish and i look at her eyes. if she's trying to pay attention but still glancing at whatever it is she was working on, i just smile and ask her to remind me later. 

which she is happy to do.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I will often talk, sort of stream of consciousness, and mixed in there will be bit of info that I actually do care if my husband pays attention to. And similarly, he will talk while I'm engrossed in something else but I can't hear (watching TV, washing dishes, etc) and he gets frustrated when I don't hear.

One thing I've done is make sure I say his name and get his attention before I start in on whatever I have to say. It works better for me to, if he gets my attention before he says whatever it is. Otherwise, I don't know if he's talking to me or our son or just mumbling. 

Learning new ways to improve listening skills is always a good thing. Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I used to think my h didnt listen to me. He does exactly what you do. It used to really bother me. awhile back i told him that if i ever have something really important to say i will stop and ask him if he can listen to me. but otherwise i wont hold him accountable for it. 



recent_cloud said:


> and oh gasp! sometimes my wife had more important things on her mind than what i was talking about. go figure.


:lol: and i had to learn this, too.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

As Leah said! I have a partial hearing loss, too. If I don't hear my name before someone talks to me, I don't pay attention.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I used to tune out the word: "MOM!" With four kids, if I answered every "Mom" - well you know...

RecentCloud: Interesting you make sure she is looking in your eyes. When I was learning to train dogs (my German Shepherd) the trainer said that if I do NOT get his EYES on mine, he won't listen...

Not to say she is a dog...but interesting point...


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## Dizzy (Jun 3, 2009)

Thank you all so much for your input. I've wanted to suggest that he needs to make sure he has my attention when he wants to tell me something but I was afraid he would think that I didn't want to make any effort so it was all on him to be heard.

It's not that I never hear him speak or that I don't remember our conversations. What I miss are the short comments that range from the silly to the really important.

I'm going to show him this thread when he's off work in a few days and maybe we can take all the ideas and work something out. Thanks again


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