# It's the little things...



## meohme (Apr 2, 2014)

It puts me in tears to see when H takes the initiative to resolve issues that do not have anything to do with fixing our marriage.

I have gone to counseling by myself to work on me, and the only thing I asked him to do is go as well. He made an appointment, but didn't go or reschedule. But on the other hand someone (his mother) can make a simple statement about his niece needing new shoes, and he ups and buys them. She didn't even ask and she wasn't telling him with intentions for him to buy them, yet he took the initiative. Just last night his computer died, and in the back of my mind I knew he was going to replace it. This morning he calls me at work and tells me that he dropped it off at the repair shop. Almost as soon as he said that tears began to fall. 

I feel like if it is something that he cares about then he has no problem trying to fix it. So if that's the case where does that leave me. It just makes it seem like I am not worth it. We have had this conversation several times, and after this morning I am really starting to see things how they really are. It's hurtful feeling like you don't matter 

I'm guessing these are what you call triggers?? Any advice on how to deal is appreciated.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

He's incorrigible and you did the right thing in separating from him the first time. So unless you're addicted to the drama, I'd suggest you separate again but this time for good.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You matter. However, as long as you tolerate/enable a behavior that is hurtful to you- you can expect it to continue.


Have you tried telling him how it makes you feel? If yes, what was his response?

At the end of the day, you have the power to change your life based on the decisions you make.

Of you do nothing, expect the same to continue and to condemn yourself to ongoing pain.

Either force the issue to be addressed, or file for D and leave him for good or do nothing and accept more of your current situation.

The good news is that the choice really is yours.

Goo luck
WD


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband has a sort of caveman mentality. "Me fix! Me fix, good!"

But he can fix things like pairs of shoes, a broken computer but important stuff? He goes all: "duh... Sorry. Can't cope with that stuff."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> He's incorrigible and you did the right thing in separating from him the first time. So unless you're addicted to the drama, I'd suggest you separate again but this time for good.


Evening, Morituri! Good to see you!:smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Back at you Matt


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

meohme said:


> It puts me in tears to see when H takes the initiative to resolve issues that do not have anything to do with fixing our marriage.
> 
> I have gone to counseling by myself to work on me, and the only thing I asked him to do is go as well. He made an appointment, but didn't go or reschedule. But on the other hand someone (his mother) can make a simple statement about his niece needing new shoes, and he ups and buys them. She didn't even ask and she wasn't telling him with intentions for him to buy them, yet he took the initiative. Just last night his computer died, and in the back of my mind I knew he was going to replace it. This morning he calls me at work and tells me that he dropped it off at the repair shop. Almost as soon as he said that tears began to fall.
> 
> ...


Read your own post. You answered one big question you obviously have been struggling with for a while. His priorities and yours are in different places. What sucks is he is not making you a bigger priority. Maybe time for you to make a change in your priority. What does your counselor think? Btw you not being one of his main priorities is not a little thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think you have good cause to me concerned, because you have made these problems a priority while he has clearly struggled with them. His failure to address those problems is a big deal that should be addressed for sure.

To play devil's advocate here for a moment however, I don't think you should view his initiative to address other more minor issues as being evidence that he cares any less for you, or even that those issues are more of a priority than the marriage problems. Those other sample minor issues that you described are just that, minor, meaning they are simple issues with relatively quick and easy solutions. They are emotionally neutral or even positive, so it's not a difficult issue to tackle.

The marriage issue is completely different. It's complex, it will take a long time to address, it's obviously extremely emotionally packed, the "solution" will involve him needing to venture into territory that he is unfamiliar and uncomfortable with and success is not assured. I think it makes sense that he might struggle with tackling this issue and drag his feet a bit. But I certainly don't think it would be fair to suggest that him solving other minor issues or performing other tasks in the meantime means that he cares more for those issues/tasks than his marriage.

I'll give you an example. I am terrified of needles, drawing blood in particular. I haven't had my blood drawn in at least 15 year so years. I'm also 31 y/o and my grandfather died of colon cancer, so I've been advised that I should get a colonoscopy now. Due to my anxiety over needles, I haven't been able to bring myself to schedule either. I fully recognize that getting those done is important, that I absolutely should just get over it and deal with it, but I haven't done it yet because it's something I struggle with. 

So I promise I'm not trying to be overly critical, especially when I don't know any of the rest of your story (which could certainly change my perception completely) but at least regarding the concern you presented here by itself, I don't think you should judge him too harshly for addressing other minor concerns while the marriage issue is still present.


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