# Whats worse? EA over time or PA-sex- one night?



## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

As above whats worse? Backround info, she hasnt been with another dude in 5 years. We dated for 3. She was my first. But not my only anymore.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EA over time, its harder to get them out of fantasyland when there in an EA.
ONS, on the other hand are more subject to behavioal motification.

Staying away from booze, bars, and brothels. Granted there can be an attachment to the GNO that leads to ONS, but changing your life style is easier then falling out of love IMO.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What's "worse" is up to the individual deciding so. 

Everyone will have a different answer to that question. Only the individual can decide.


----------



## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

I would say it depends. If either was with someone I knew then both would be equally as bad. I think if I knew the other woman it would hurt more than if I didnt know her. But a one night stand with a stranger isnt as bad as an emotional affair with a stranger. I havent had to deal with either so I really dont know. Both would be devasting though.

Can I just ask what ONS, GNO, and IMO stand for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ONS= one night stand
GNO= girls night out
IMO= in my opinion


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

1-12-t1 said:


> As above whats worse? Backround info, she hasnt been with another dude in 5 years. We dated for 3. She was my first. But not my only anymore.


I think women in general are more worried about the EA. But as a guy my fear of the EA is that it will lead to a PA. I am taking the primal view here. 

For me the PA is game over. It is a deal breaker. So a ONS to me would mean immediate divorce. There is no scenario that would justify it to me.

An EA that I could not squelch very quickly would also be a deal breaker. I can understand how one can fall into an EA without looking for it. If however it was deliberate it would also be game over.

So shovel in the face or kick in the nuts. Both are unacceptable.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ONS= one night stand
> GNO= girls night out
> IMO= in my opinion


UFB = Very Hard To Believe


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The EA will/could lead to a PA....yes but the ONS by definition is just physical, no emotional attachment.

The game over/ deal breaker for me would be the commitment or lack of....that your DS makes. So irregardless of the EA or ONS the thing for me would be my W commitment to having healthier behaviors and the connection with me.

I'm all for the "just let them go" but when they dont want to be let go and make the changes that help you heal then keep them around ....until they f~uck up again then and they have used up there 2nd chance.

I do agree that we all have an individuel opinion in what is worse, but the value one puts on others perspective is worth a listen.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> *The EA will/could lead to a PA....yes but the ONS by definition is just physical, no emotional attachment.*
> 
> The game over/ deal breaker for me would be the commitment or lack of....that your DS makes. So irregardless of the EA or ONS the thing for me would be my W commitment to having healthier behaviors and the connection with me.
> 
> ...


I have tighter boundaries. I am a guy. Another man having sex with my wife at all is a deal breaker. It is hard wired with some guys more than others. A ONS is not just physical. Maybe between the two. But it is a betrayal that I would not be willing to forgive. It would be a willing act of betrayal, so it is indeed emotional. I get your point. But a ONS would not have taken a long emational attachment so there is no excuse for it.

So there would be no second chance for a PA from me. One and done. But I could see a second chance on an EA under the circumstances I mentioned. A ONS is dliberate.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All A' are diliberate, our chicks made the choice to diconnect from us. The degree of the the diconnect is a given but the reconnection with us is what should be looked at with regard to R.

We all have our deal breakers, and the degree is up to the individuel, but with each individuel there is a sence of forgiveness that that person has recieved and the forgivness that same person will give to his WW.

Again I think my perspective is more along the lines of a problematic marriage resulting in infidelity versus the healthy marriage and a man getting cheated on for no other reason then their chick being a nut job. I think you got the point. (nut job, bad childhood, what ever)

I get it, the emotional stand point is 2nd chance worthy, but the sex part is a deal breaker. I can totaly see the point E-. I'm just wired differently and I never married a virgin, but the diffent look me and you have on sex is to be expected....its good that folks can see the many different views on this forum.

Make no misstake I agree with the fact that betrayal is BS and painful, and the fact is not debateable but the emotion versus sex thing will always have a debate b/c of the way each of us is wired.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> All A' are diliberate, our chicks made the choice to diconnect from us. The degree of the the diconnect is a given but the reconnection with us is what should be looked at with regard to R.
> 
> We all have our deal breakers, and the degree is up to the individuel, but with each individuel there is a sence of forgiveness that that person has recieved and the forgivness that same person will give to his WW.
> 
> ...


Keep in mind I had an EA. I was not intending for what was a friendship to go too far. It never got physical. But I was getting dopamine from the wrong place. It was at work. It was never my intent. It does not mean I was not messing up, but I had in my mind it was just a close firendship. My wife caught it in time. I immediately backed off of this but I did go through withdrawal and I was already changing jobs. I was very naive. All I am saying is that having been through that and knowing how much I have always loved my wife, I could forgive something equivalent. Not because I owe it. But because I do not see it as being deliberately hurtful. Just my view. I think EAs run the gamit in severity and I also think they are way more common thatn folks wish to believe. Especially in this modern world we live in.

We agree that it is an individual thing. I could even see this changing over someones life time.


----------



## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

And for the record im am not married to her. We were on a break. I just want to move on but i dont think its fair to make me think about it and she doesnt ever have to think about my past. I had no past and she did and now this recent thing.


----------



## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ONS= one night stand
> GNO= girls night out
> IMO= in my opinion


Thanks Jellybeans! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

