# I don't think I'll ever recover.



## MS74 (Oct 17, 2017)

Hello, I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. 

I'm at my absolute bottom of the barrel. I've never been in such a dark place in my life. I'm taking antidepressants and medication for anxiety. I seek weekly counseling and attend an Al Anon support group. I read books like they're going out of style. Nothing is helping, and I'm at a complete loss for everything. If it weren't for my son, I wouldn't even bother trying. Someone suggested an online support group, so here I am. 

I was blindsided by a divorce 3 years ago. He was (and probably still is) the love of my life. I was not a perfect wife, but I was the best I could be. I didn't have these problems back then. I am sure though, I didn't make him happy somehow, and I've learned that I love him enough, that his happiness is most important to me. So, I have accepted our divorce, his betrayal, infidelity and all else and I remain very friendly to him, we co parent very well. He's been with same woman almost the entire 3 years.

I, however... took awhile to begin dating. I met a man, who turned out to be an alcoholic. He was not a very nice person, he had a lot of things to say that weren't very nice, but when he was nice. Things were great. He then too cheated on me, and left me for this OW in November. I handled this very poorly. I was very sad. We made contact again in March. I had finally started living with some sort of peace, but took a long time. I did and said everything in my power to keep myself away from him. Clearly not enough.

He made promises that would melt your heart. His apologies and his comments. He told me, he had never loved anyone like he had loved me, and I gave him the courage to quit drinking. I told him No. I can't. He begun having everyone in his family, including ex wife reach out to me. They all begged and pleaded that I help him. They were all in tears including him. I finally agreed to help him. I stood by his side all through Detox. It was hard on him, it was scary for me. He lost his job. I gave him a place to stay for 9 weeks. I helped support him financially. I fell in love with him all over again.

Fast forward to August. He started drinking again. More now than first time. He wanted to move in and I discouraged that for the time being. FFWD to now, he cheated on me again. He just threw me to the side and is now with this OW. He won't talk to me, won't take my calls, all he has done is told me to leave him alone, he's done with me, I'm nothing to him. Goodbye. 

I'm struggling with this and I can't seem to move past him or the situation. I'm completely heartbroken and I don't even know why. I truly don't think I can go through this again. I'm pretty sure I can't.

I don't know what I've done to cause this. I'm not a bad person. I do believe I have a fear of being alone and never finding the right person, but this is based on my low self esteem. I've had so many insults on me as a person inside and out, that I think this plays a part in this fear. 

I should've just let him move in...


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Know that you deserve better. Do not ever settle. It is true that most people out there are scum bags. But there are some good people.

Every minute you spend with a scum bag is wasted time. You would be better off on your own for a while, because otherwise you may miss out on the chance of meeting someone good. 

And please...... if anyone ever cheats on you, kick them to the curb and NEVER EVER go back to them. Most people who cheat will never change. Its possible but very unlikely.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That is awesome; now you can get that afghan you've been wanting but were afraid he wouldn't like it and now you won't have to worry how he'll treat your cat!


OK I am really not trying to make light of this or make fun of what has happened. But you really do need to realign your way of thinking. 

There is some old ancient Greek philosophy that says there are really no good or bad events in the universe, only events. It is our personal beliefs, values and perspectives that assign them a value that is either positive or negative. 

Now sure, if you really like someone and enjoy their company and they stop associating with you, that is going to be a change and a disruption and you'll likely be sad for awhile until you fill that time with some other activity that you enjoy. 

But whether it is a temporary change of lifestyle and some sadness or soul-crushing trauma that sends you into freefall of depression and despair is based on your personal beliefs. 

If you believe that you have a singular soul-mate and one all-encompassing true love that will fulfill all your wants and dreams and that person is your one and only chance at love and happiness - you will be crushed if they leave and you will fight tooth and nail to cling on to them. 

But on the other hand, if you realize that the whole world is your oyster and love and happiness and fulfillment can come in a multitude of forms and that love and happiness is boundless and can be found anywhere - you will react to it completely differently. 

It also comes down to your beliefs on relationships and companionship vs freedom and flexibility. If you have a deep-seated belief that you are only complete and your life can only be fulfilling if you are bound to someone, and you believe that your happiness and well being is dependent and being with someone, you react very negatively to a break up. 

But if you have a healthy and fulfilling life of your own and are independent and can take care of your own affairs and you enjoy the flexibility and freedom to live as you want, where you want, how you and appreciate that you can bring home an outrageous afghan or wait to clean out the cat box until you feel like it, you will react much differently if a relationship goes south. 

It's like those internet memes with the pictures of the mountains over the lake that say it's not about what happens to you, but how you react to it. It really is true. 

What you need to do here is not wallow in despair and up your dose of anti depressants and pine for some alcoholic cheater @$$hat. You need to challenge your beliefs and take an honest assessment of what is working in your life and what things could stand to improve. 

If you dig laying on the couch in your PJs watching Saturday morning kid shows even though you are an adult, then rejoice that you are able to do that and appreciate it fully. If you find that you are bored by Sat afternoon and would like to take up tennis - then go do that. 

Fix what objectively needs fixing to improve your life and savor and appreciate the things that are working and that you do enjoy. 

And most importantly challenge your beliefs and challenge your values and honestly try to determine which beliefs and values actually hold merit and which are just a perception or even an illusion or outright falsehood.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MS74 said:


> Hello, I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this.
> 
> I'm at my absolute bottom of the barrel. I've never been in such a dark place in my life. I'm taking antidepressants and medication for anxiety. I seek weekly counseling and attend an Al Anon support group. I read books like they're going out of style. Nothing is helping, and I'm at a complete loss for everything. If it weren't for my son, I wouldn't even bother trying. Someone suggested an online support group, so here I am.
> 
> ...


You absolutely will recover from this in the sense that that pain will go away. 

Look I don't know if you came on her just to vent or have people give you some sympathy but I really feel I need to talk to you honestly. Let me preference this by saying my mother was like you. She lost her father when she was 5 and her picker was broken her whole life. She was married a few times, first one was abusive. My Father was a chronic cheater, last one was verbally abusive. I remember because my step father was so verbally abusive it forced me to leave the house at 18 so we wouldn't physically fight. So I am not trying to give you a hard time here, but someone needs to tell you this. Let me preference this by saying I am a normal man who has been married for 13 years has had a good job, makes good money, and been completely faithful to my wife. I have met many women like you growing up not to mention my Mom. 

The point is you need to start to pick better men if you want to REALLY get over this, to be blatantly honest you are picking losers and treating them like they are prince charming. 75% of having a successful relationship is who you pick. Why do you keep picking these types of men? You need to figure that out. Both of these guys are the type men like me can't even stomach. They are not real men, they don't even have responsibilities let alone keep them. They have no honor. 

Are you trying to save them? Is it because you don't think you could get a better type of man? Why is it you don't run away when they start showing you how messed up they are? Did you grow up in drama so you are now attracted to it? Don't you think you are worth more? If not why not? If you don't figure that out you are going to go from one loser to another. The most important thing you can do for yourself and any future children you might have is to put all your effort into finding out why this is and how you can fix it. Maybe you never had a father, maybe you have no baseline to know what a good man is. Whatever the reason that is for you to figure out, but if you really want to recover and break this cycle you are in you need to figure that out. 


Here are some books I have heard good things about.

https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1491513853

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-...508286798&sr=1-1&keywords=codependent+no+more

Maybe start there. Also get some IC. 

Now I know I was harsh and you probably were just looking for sympathy (people will be along to give you that), but at least think about what I wrote here. I am trying to help you brake the cycle. The last thing you want to do is be back her in another 2 years telling the same sad story.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

... and an alcoholic cheater is no prize and no loss. That is lifting a 100lb bag of rocks off of you shoulders. You are good to be free of someone like that. 

All alcoholics make profound promises and have flowery words. They don't live up to any of them. 

They are dead weight that hold you down and bring stress and grief into your life. 

Rejoice that he is gone.

If you are bemoaning his absence, that mean that YOU have some issues to work out within yourself and that your beliefs and values and attitudes are out of alignment with reality. 


(and don't even think of taking him back when he shows up making promises on your doorstep again!!!)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

God Bless You and Your' kind.

You wear your' heart on your' sleeve.

You' would give your' last nickle to a needy person.

You' make the world a wholesome place and ask minimum in return.

I cannot offer you a dollop of advice.

I know you could offer me a wheelbarrow full.

Thanks for being the good person that you are.

SunCMars


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You sound like my sister. You give your heart away to easily to people that haven't earned it.

There will be others. You'll love them just like this drunk loser. So why not pick a man that has a good track record of reliability?

Let them earn your love. Require it. When one treats you badly, boot them. People tend to take advantage of a 
Soft hearted person if they are allowed to.

Don't accept bad behavior. I'm living those words. It's hard. Nothing worth doing isn't.

I'm sorry. But only you can fix this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I very much agree with the other posters here. Neither of those men sound like great losses to me; they sound like losers, to be honest, and you're lucky to be rid of them.

_Co-Dependent No More_ is a great book for you to start with. It sounds to me like you are choosing bad men, and you are deriving your self-value from whether or not one of these bad men loves you. That's no good for you. You need to love yourself and find value on yourself without a man, start treating yourself with respect, and demand that other people in your life treat you with respect as well. 

People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You're playing the victim card here. Yes, these were bad men who treated your poorly, and they shouldn't have done that. But you _allowed_ them to treat you that way. Take ownership of yourself and dare to love yourself first, and love yourself better.

And I want you to think about how you're talking about your XH, and calling him the love of your life. He treated you like crap. Does a huge jerk like that deserve your time or energy? He doesn't deserve the "love of my life" title. You're giving him power over you. Don't give away your power, especially not to someone who doesn't deserve it, not someone like that. "Love of my life" should be reserved for the man who treats you like a queen.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife's dad and her best friend's husband were alcoholics. It rarely ends well no matter how nice and loving you are. My wife's dad out his two step sons into a hospital after beating them with a broom handle and stabbing one of them. Her girlfriend's husband was found drunk in a bar with their 8 month old baby. She divorced him immediately. I have had a few alcoholic friends who I had to kick out of my house and tell them to stay away. They recover and relapsed so many times that I just gave up. You try to be supportive but you are not causing their demons.

Have you gone to a Psychologist to find out why you are falling in love with losers and cannot stop loving them when they poop all over you? Do not rely on others for your happiness. That is something we all give ourselves by our choices in life. You make bad choices in men. You are your own problem. I hope you see that.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Being with an alcoholic guarantees you a life of misery, be glad he is out of your life, for your own best interest don't ever let him back in the door.

In order to recover from the past you need to keep moving into the future. Your entire life isn't "at the bottom of the barrel", how do you think your daughter would feel if you said that to her? Is she not a huge part of your life? Is she not there to be loved? I mention her as a positive in your life because you need to shift your focus a bit and learn how to compartmentalize things. Your marriage ended in divorce, sure that sucks, then you landed with a drunk and that sucked too, so the relationship side of your life isn't perfect....but hopefully you learn and carry a better understanding into the next relationship. But aren't there a lot of positives in your life? Your daughter for sure, maybe friends, family, work, pets, hobbies, a sunny day....etc. 

Learning from our mistakes is a positive, you should have learned a man in your life doesn't guarantee happiness (we're not that great) so focus on whatever in your life brings you joy start doing more of it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*God feels your pain, @MS74 ~ and embraces you with his love! You may not know it right this very moment, but He’s there in your midst to heartfully open up to!

As promised, He will not put anything on your frail shoulders that you are not capable of bearing!

Always remember, that God loves you, and so do we!*


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