# Ready to throw in the towel.



## numb1 (Jun 23, 2010)

I will apologize now because this may get long and confusing.
I have been married 8 months now and have been together for 7.5 yrs. We have lived together for 6yrs. I am 25 he is 27. Im not sure where to start so I will start with what I think is a big root of everything.
Throughout our dating sex went from very regular to droping of quite a bit as soon as we moved in together. We used to go through droughts that would last up to 2 months until I begged and pleaded enough and he would give in. We are now on our 5th month with no sex. We went on a ten day honeymoon to Hawaii and I upgraded everything so it was perfect and so romantic and he still only had sex with me twice because I complained.
I have been rejected time and time again. Once I came into the bedroom with just my bra panties and heels on and he just plainly said without taking his eyes off the tv, "not tonight".
He tells me that sex isnt a priority or need for him but I found porn on my computer. We got in a huge fight because this was after he had been refusing to have sex with me. I told him I didnt have a problem with porn but felt replaced. Two weeks later I find porn in the DVD player. When confronted about it, he said "well I new it would hurt you but didnt want to hide it from you"! 

I feel so bad about myself even though I know it is obviously an issue of his. I have tried explaining how this makes me feel and that I feel gross and ruined. I know that unless you have personally gone through being rejected, you have no idea how painful it is, so he doesnt understand. But I feel like he doesnt care either. I have tried every approach I can think of and nothing gets through.

Beyond the sex issue, he has started to lie about everything! Some things are so small it makes no sense for him to lie and others are kind of a big deal like when he lies about paying bills or applying for jobs. Maybe he has done this all along and I never had a reason not to trust him before so I just always fell for it. 

Back in Feb. I sat him down and had a talk with him stating that there were things I would like to improve on in our relationship and I needed help. I told him I was becoming unhappy and really wanted to knip it in the bud before it got out of hand. He said nothing but I thought maybe he just needed time to digest it all. A few weeks later the same thing. Probably about the 5th time I talked to him about it, I was crying and he just sat and stared at me emotionless. I said "please say something, ANYTHING" and got nothing. I asked " Really? you have nothing to say to try to help save our marriage?" He looked me dead in the eye and said "nope".

We went to counseling and in our first session the counselor said everything is because he has ADHD! The funny thing is I am the one with the diagnosis of ADHD, not him. She gave him 5000 excuses why nothing was his fault and didnt listen to a word I said. She asked him questions and he lied to her about the answers. I told him that I didnt want to go to her anymore but would like to try someone else. He said he would set it up because another one of his issues is having zero follow through and he wanted to prove to me ha could do it. It has been a month and a half and still no appointment!
Im just so frusterated and hurt and confused. I really feel like everything he does, good or bad, annoys me! I feel like we both deserve to be happy and I dont want to waste my time or his if this cant work. I am exhauted and feel like Im slipping into a depression. I dont know how much more if anything I can give. I know I have put up wall because at some point I had to decide I was no longer going to let him constantly hurt me. I feel lost and numb. PLEASE HELP!!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So why do you want to stay with him? You dont say if you have kids or not. Something is definetly a miss if he would rather look at porn and u know than have sex with you. Depression is dehabilitating and you need to take care of your needs, I totally think at 27 something is wrong if he would rather look at porn than have sex with you.
Something seems strange with the counselor as well, usually they dont side with one person but look for compromises that will benefit both people.


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## numb1 (Jun 23, 2010)

We dont have children.
I thought at first that I was just seeing things unfairly with the counselor and that maybe I overreacted, but my husband actually brought it up to me so I knew it wasnt just me.

I do love him. He is all I have known as an adult and it is scarey to think I was finally going to start my life and maybe starting all over from square one. Looking back I think that sadly that is the reason we got married. We are comfortable with one another and have just always been together.

I also dont want to leave and regret it if this is something that will pass. I am pretty sure it wont but I wonder sometimes. But I guess life has no crystal ball.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

When he lies while in counseling, he doesn't care. I hate to say it like that, but does he understand why he is there? To save your relationship? Does he care about that?

If he just expects you to absorb his terrible behavior, then you have to start preparing to no longer tolerate unacceptable stuff.

I'm in similar shoes... Except we have 2 children and 15 years together. It's horrible to consider unwinding all of this. However, I have to start preparing myself both mentally and financially. Otherwise, it will stay horrible forever, because he will use my loyalty against me.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

GoDucks said:


> When he lies while in counseling, he doesn't care. I hate to say it like that, but does he understand why he is there? To save your relationship? Does he care about that?
> 
> If he just expects you to absorb his terrible behavior, then you have to start preparing to no longer tolerate unacceptable stuff.
> 
> I'm in similar shoes... Except we have 2 children and 15 years together. It's horrible to consider unwinding all of this. However, I have to start preparing myself both mentally and financially. Otherwise, it will stay horrible forever, because he will use my loyalty against me.


Is there any way you can talk to him about the problems and how unhappy you are about them. Give him a list of things that need to change or you will have to leave but be willing to work on things he would like to see changed.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You and your husband don't need marriage counseling. You need personal counseling to make yourself understand why you put up with him, why you would beg your husband for sex, beg him to be a husband to you, beg him to care about you, why you said "I do" after the relationship had been this way for years. Your husband needs personal counseling to make himself understand why he cannot be a husband to his wife, why he does not care about her needs or her feelings, and why he is a teenage masturbator unable to grow up.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well I like Hunts advice and really it is mostly for you, something is definetly wrong if porn and the hand is better than you are and I think mostly in his thinking. 

So you can get closure and try to work things out or you can go with Susans advice which seems always to be thow the bum out. Think Im wrong check her history, not saying shes wrong in this case but you have to decide for yourself.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

focus on what you want and what you need. I know it sounds really hard but being rejected like that is very hurtful, it is one thing if a guy is having a legitmate problem physically or psychologically for their sex drive to diminish but I think there is more going on here if you are going that long without sex. Physical contact is important in a relationship and so is emotional support if you are not gettin either of these and you need more than you need to evaluate the relationship talk about it and give yourself some time to think about what you need and what YOU want and then if there is no improvement I would consider leaving him. Do you want to be a relationship where your partner acts as if your needs and wants and not important to them, everyone deserves more than that.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Hey maybe we're not giving this guy a fair trial, maybe he needs to see a doc. We all assume he is masturbating but maybe he is having a hard time achieving an errection and let me tell ya at age 27 that would be a embarrasing thing to talk about. The thing is if its a physical problem it could be life threatening, if that is the problem the last thing he needs is his wife to leave him.


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## numb1 (Jun 23, 2010)

Brewster, I started out sitting him down and telling him how unhappy I am and giving specific things that I wanted help with changing. I was more than willing to do the work with him, and he refused. He always said ok but made no effort what so ever. I have continued to do this. It doesn't seem to make a difference. I have tried different angles, being completely calm, showing my frustrations, showing my hurt, and even tried being kind of emotionless.
Before we were married, he would always come up with all kinds of excuses as to why we weren't having sex. I asked him to see a doc on multiple occasions. Also, the marriage counselor asked him to make an appointment. He never did. He doesn't have problems getting hard. There have been times I have started to give him a hand job to start things off and he will get hard and still reject me. And he has admitted when I asked him that he does masterbate to the porn. I just don't understand. My thought is that he knows there is nothing physically wrong and that he just isn't attracted to me and doesn't want to admitt it.

Hunt, Great advice! I would love to know how to communicate with him whithout him lying ALL the time! Since my original post, he has been caught in 3 more lies. 2 of which were completely pointless and there was absolutly no reason to lie instead of telling the truth. It really didn't make a difference either way.
About sex. I have tried very hard to keep up my appearance for him. I am not as small as when we started dating but I was 17. I am 5ft 8in and 155lbs. I am very well endowed and everyone but him compliments me and him regularly. I def have my faults and am not a beauty queen but I know deep down I'm not ugly even though I end up feeling that way a lot. I am very willing to explore and try new things and even get kinky, which I have tried to do to spice things up in the past and always get shut down.
I am more than willing to accept fault in the things I have done or not done in our relationship, and have discussed that with him. I know that by me always doing everything for him for so long only crippled him and then asking for help with our relationship was kind of overwhelming to him. I can def have a short fuse and I don't want to come accross like I am an angel because by no means am I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb1 (Jun 23, 2010)

Ducks, it seems he really doesn't care but won't admit it. Why I need him to when the proof is in the pudding, I have no idea but I feel I need that validation for whatever reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well then you can go with Hunts advice which is always good or say enough is enough, you have given him many chances and he has not responded so now may be time for at least a trial seperation. If he desnt respond to that it is time to move on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He likes you as a friend full stop. If he wasn't all over you at his sexual peak - he will NEVER be into you. If you can accept that stay. If not, leave. He has NOTHING TO LOSE by lying to you since he is confident that if he straight out says this to you, you will leave him. And even though he lacks sexual desire, he likes being with you. 

I would not say all this with such certainty except:
- It was like this when he should have been bursting with desire due to his age
- It has persisted from the start
- He has no desire to fix it - because he knows it cannot be fixed




numb1 said:


> Ducks, it seems he really doesn't care but won't admit it. Why I need him to when the proof is in the pudding, I have no idea but I feel I need that validation for whatever reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb1 (Jun 23, 2010)

MEM, I have believed that to be true for a while. Its hard to accept especially when he won't admit it verbaly. I understand all his actions prove that he only loves me or likes me as a friend.

UPDATE- I found more porn on his phone last night. I don't mean text forwards with naked people. We have smart phones and I checked his internet browser history. It was a site with not only porn but online sex chat and dating. When I confronted him, he had a million excuses and I ended up getting it out of him that he has been looking at porn more than him just getting caught this once. He also ended up telling me he lies because I force him to. I don't even know what that means! How can I force him to lie??? He also showed me his calander in his phone that has a reminder that goes off every day @ noon that says "I'm a failure". He says that in one of my conversations with him I said something that he equivilated with me telling him he is a failure but couldn't remember what exactly it was. I am so confused. I told him he needed to call this week and get back into therapy and continue to go. I doubt it will happen but I am giving him the opportunity to make an effort to work on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

maybe u have "elaine's syndrome." 

check it out.

YouTube - The Wiz deleted scene Seinfeld


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