# Is she leading me on or not?



## Nick29 (Oct 1, 2010)

After 8 years of marriage, and 10 years of being together, my wife has left me. She says she wants a divorce, then separation, then divorce, and back and forth, not to mention the cruelty and abandonment issues. 

The whole issue is long and drawn out, but I will try to hit the key points. 

In august, she told me to leave, there had been a major communication break down, and neither of us did anything to fix it, culminating in a small tiff that exploded into this current situation. 

When I left, I stayed at the hotel I work at for roughly two weeks, until she told me to come home, and not to waste money on a room that I could be saving for a place to move in to. I did so, in hopes that we could somehow try to repair the marriage. Since the day I returned, she refuses to come home, is living with another man who is nearly twice my age, and caring for his deeply disturbed granddaughter, who is violent enough to the point she won't bring our children there, though she will stay, even after the girl has beaten her black and blue on several occasions.

I will openly admit I have been a bad husband and father over the last few years, but this entire situation has completely changed who I am. I am now seeking spirituality, I have actually started a real friendship with her ailing mother, and am taking a real role in my children's lives. Not to mention working a full time job, caring for the house, and being the main care-giver to our children and her mom.

The problem I am having, is how cruel she can be. Two weeks ago she asked me to bring her divorce papers, as she wanted to be the one who filed. I did so, even though it tore me apart. She promptly gave them to this other man, because she couldn't stand to look at them. 

She told me later that day she was seriously thinking of just a separation. The next day, she flew in in a fit of rage, and punched me three times in the face because of something I had said in a state of desperation at the beginning of this to our children. One of my daugthers had mentioned her "Daddy up there" and I told them both this man is not their Daddy, and that they didn't have to respect him if they didn't feel like it. I know, stupid, but I was desperate. A few days later I explained to both my kids that Daddy was wrong, and that they needed to behave respectfully whenever they were with their mother. She didn't want to hear it, and stormed out.

The next day, she comes in, breaks down in my arms, tells me she loves me, then rushes off to go see to this other girl. Today, she comes in freaking out, because this other girl has told one of her counselours she has witnessed me beating my children, daily (which is so false its disgusting) that my wife is a horrible mother, yada yada yada. These acusations resulted in a call to CPS by the counselour. 

While she was there, I told her that she should bring the girls to the place I'm moving in to on friday, and that she and the girls could share the one room, while I slept in the living room. She said she wold think about it, seriously, told me again she loves me, gave me a sincere hug, and left.

Later, she returns, and is ice again. She tells me the marriage is over, refuses to tell me anything further about the possiblity of CPS coming, and that the only reason she hasn't filed yet is because she doesn't have the money. That is a total line, as her father would hand her the money if she asked. I told her she needs to stop leading me on, which she says she isn't, but with lines like "when we reconnect, it will be as friends first" or "thats why I'm filing for separation" or my favorite, a genuine "I love you" thrown in with need for comfort, always coming to me when she needs something, or a few looks of honest, passionate, longing she thinks I haven't seen.

Last week, the inevitable occured, and I worked myself into the ground and came down with the flu. In the early morning, when she thought I was asleep, she came to get our oldest daugther ready for school. I laid there with my eyes closed, not wanting to cause her distress. She walks into our room, lays her hand on my head, then caresses my back, then wakes up our kid and leaves.

Thats the same day she came in and hit me. Now realize there has never been any abuse in our relationship until that day. In all our years, only once has anything physical between us ever occured, and that was shortly after our oldest was born, she got drunk for the first time in a little over a year, and tried to attack me. I slapped her one time, to bring her back to her senses. I hated doing it, but I felt she was completely out of control. Other than that, the other day was so out of the norm for me I don't know what to make of it.

I am honestly a changed man. I realized just how much and how long I have taken her for granted, and am moving towards being a better father, husband, friend and person. She on the other hand, honestly doesn't know what she wants (though she won't admit it) but swears one minute its over, then hints at it not being over, then back and forth. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel the harder I try to fix our marriage, the further away from me she gets. The more I try to let things take their own course, the more my chidlren are put at risk. The house is currently a wreck due to me packing, and having missed an entire week due to being down with the flu. In short, if CPS walked through tomorrow, my children would be gone nearly instantly, because, honestly, I can't balance it all anymore. 

As I'm sure you've noticed, I have a tendency to bury the point, so I'll ask right here and now. Is she leading me on with her beahvior, or am I grasping at things that really aren't there. Her mother thinks she isn't done with the marriage, as the anger towards me she shows couldn't reach this level unless there were real feelings still there. In her mom's words, if she didn't love me anymore, it would be apathy, not anger, and she wouldn't come to me when she needs comfort.

Help, I'm lost, and I don't know which way is up...


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

Sounds like she is totally confused and does not know which way to turn. If you admit to having been a "bad husband" and that you had terrible communication issues, then I suppose this is at least the partial result of that. Often we don't wake up to things until something shocking happens -- the question is whether it is too late or not. 

She isn't done with the marriage as she hasn't filed for divorce yet. She is obviously struggling to figure out what she wants and who she is. My sense is that she can't totally walk away due to history and deeper connections, yet at the same time, she is getting some fulfillment elsewhere that evokes the "grass is greener" argument. 

This is extremely hard and there is no quick fix I don't think. Believe me, I'm in the middle of it myself. People need to find their own happiness -- it doesn't come from someone or something else. Sure, a person can make you miserable or a person can make you happy -- but in the end, if you don't have a sense of yourself, it doesn't matter. I think she is trying to find that and you may have no choice but to give her that space.


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## Nick29 (Oct 1, 2010)

Thats what she keeps telling me, that she is happy, but I honestly don't see it. From what I have seen, she is busily taking care of this other family, while ignoring her own, up until I came down with the flu. At that point, she started to take our oldest to and from school, but otherwise remains up there. 

I completely understand her need to find herself, and find her happiness, what I don't understand is her unwillingness to try to work things out. We got married young, though I honestly did (and still do) mean til death do we part. It just kills me that she could so easily throw away the best parts of our lives.

I'm trying to find a new job (the graveshift is not conductive to a marriage I realize now) and have found a place I move into later today actually. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe she is really through, as if she was, why does she keep coming back to torment me? Most of my friends/co-workers, and her family, tell me that once I'm out, after a while, she will probably come to her senses and try to reconnect. Which I'm fine with, if she needs to go out and stretch, I can handle that. Its the fear of our children's well being that is killing me. 

This other man she says protects her such, but everyone who knows her has told her that I have done that job, and admirably, since we met back in 2001. As for providing, I've always worked, and, until this new audit job, we always did things together as a family. These last three years I have been so exhausted from the hours, I've pretty much become a recluse, to the (apparent) death of our friendship and marriage with the most wonderful woman I have ever known.

Its a case of not knowing what you have until its gone, I realize that, and I am honestly willing to do whatever it takes to put things right, but she refuses to even sit down and talk to me, let alone discuss our marital issues.

I realize that for the last few years I have focused on what she was doing 'wrong' rather than what I wasn't doing at all, and have shown genuine change, even accordin to her mother, but now she tells me she is leaving the family home, getting a job, and taking the kids. I fear she won't be able to do it, but will be too proud to realize this and ask me for help.

I love her, and will always take her back, and she knows this. Is this just a case of her 'sowing her oats' or does it seem like its time for me to throw in the towel?


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

Yes, much of what you say resonates with me. My relationship has been, on its surface, quite good the past few years since an affair my wife had that was pretty terrible. But she came to me and confessed at a point when I was none the wiser. That took guts and was the main reason we stayed together. Now she says that she thinks she needs to find fulfillment outside the marriage. I know she struggles with this greatly as she feels a tremendous obligation to our kids and to me (I'm told I'm a great person and a great husband -- so wtf indeed!), and therefore the decision is not to be taken lightly. So, while our situation is much more "pleasant" it's no less confusing to me.

The philosophy that I am coming around to is that you never give up on your marriage, but that not giving up can take different forms. You could beg, threaten and bargain for her to stay. You could try to do a 180 in your behavior and show her that you can change -- if that is an issue. Or you can say that you love her and want her to stay, but that you know you can't make her mind up for her, and that if she believes her happiness is elsewhere, then you standing in the way is pointless. However, there are ramifications for her decision and those will be deep and long-lasting. The last is the most terrifying, but may be the most realistic given that none of them have guarantee of succeeding and the last gives you some self-respect while giving her room to make up her own mind. It doesn't leave you hanging on to each and every vestige of your "old life" and looking to her solve your problems.

That said, the kids are yours too and she has no right to take them anywhere unless they were truly in an abusive situation with you. That is not negotiable.


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## Nick29 (Oct 1, 2010)

After today's show, where she basically told our oldest she only wants our youngest, not to mention other ways of tearing her down, I'm filing for divorce and custody. Thank you MJ, but I can no longer put my heart before my children's mental well being. If she ever pulls her head out of her a** we might be able to fix things, as I am still madly in love with her, but until she remembers she is a mother with responsiblities, I will no longer allow her to push me or our children around.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

yes... right

leave her... she in not worthy for you


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