# Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust



## Shocked Sig Other (Mar 14, 2012)

I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first. For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

You are overreacting. He's come to this site to gain insight from others who have been through similar situations, to better his relationship with you. This isn't a dating sight, we don't trade pornography, we aren't looking to "hook up" with each other.

We are here for support.. which is what he is looking for.

My advice is to re-read his post... and help him in whatever way you can, without judging him.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge).
> 
> Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?


What is he seeking advice for - in general?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Maybe you're just shocked? If your SO is keeping things anonymous, I don't see a big issue. He's looking to self improve! That's great!

At least he isn't posting looking for sex on the side or anything, he's looking for relationship advice. Sounds like a tenderheart, to me!

Don't worry about him developing relationships here (or somewhere like here). Most of us are here to help our relationships, not to hook up.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

People post here because it is anonymous, and it doesn't involve divulging intimate details of your issues to family and friends. We don't know who you are.

Some people share they use this site with their partners, some don't. It's a safe place people can come for support.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

should a partner be sharing every concern with their loved one before seeking outside help?

most of the time

but there is no harm if it is done within proper boundaries-

consider-

1) it was done anonymously
2) it was not done with friends or even more importantly with a inappropriate venue like a friend of the opposite sex
3) some problems are too small to seek professional help but big enough that getting outside opinions and advice prior to addressing the problem may be beneficial
4) your partner is actively trying to improve your relationship instead of ignoring a problem and letting it grow
5) he may value the opinions of the opposite sex in this particular situation for better understanding and this is sort of venue to do it where appropriate boundaries are cherished
6) sometimes a partner needs to just vent without fear of retribution of their partner, it's a natural and healthy thing to do at times.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first. For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?


I might be totaly off base here if I am then disreguard.


my bet is he did try to comunicate and you blew it off as not important or had such a strong reaction to it that he he just took his lumps but is still bothered by it.

I will also say you are mad because he posted on here because you knew you were being unreasonable about it and now realise he isnt happy with you and your attitude.

so in reality maybe your really disapointed with yourself for being shelfish in your marriage.


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## Shocked Sig Other (Mar 14, 2012)

In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if anything using a forum like this shows he wants to respect your boundaries instead of breaking them


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maybe you should read a bit around here and you'll see what I'm talking about and maybe you'll even learn something valuable


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.


If you really have a problem with it, I suggest you calmly speak to you H about it and tell him how hurt you are that he posted your personal sexual issues on the internet and request that he not do it again... and try to find out why he felt like he needed to come to a support forum for advice rather than talking to you about it... 

I don't think "confront" is the right term because that implies that what he did was wrong. "Communicate" is a better term... communicate to him that you are hurt and shocked and ask that he communicate with you about the issue rather than seeking advice from others.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.



sounds like he tried (the incident) and got a poor responce from you so was looking for opinions for people who been through similar situations.


also sounds like your really not ready for marriage again. 

you don't want him seeking outside advice because it will upset the apple cart. and then you woun't be abl to manipulate him as easy.

again I don't know what your incident was so I'm going off the cuff so to speak .


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Unless your H is DvlsAdvc8... and in that case, we ask that you head on over to the Coping With Infidelity Forum for help and support.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I don't see posting on here as a betrayal to a spouse. To a dating website or signing up for chat sites, yes. But here, people come to look for advice usually to clarify and better their relationships. Maybe because as you said he's not allowed to talk to anyone about your issues, he came here.


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## Shocked Sig Other (Mar 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like he tried (the incident) and got a poor responce from you so was looking for opinions for people who been through similar situations.
> 
> 
> also sounds like your really not ready for marriage again.
> ...


That is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE. I attempted (very calmly) to talk to him at the time happened, but he flatly refused. The next day (AFTER posting here) he apologized for refusing to talk to me at the time and admitted that he thought I handled it perfectly well. My issue is that his FIRST response was to go running to outsiders rather than sit down and discuss the issue with me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I didn't tell my husband I post here, he wouldn't care. I say much more on here then I do anywhere, that's because no one knows who I am. Never in a million years would I talk about sex with friends and family. I don't get into detail about it on here either.

I do believe your also overreacting. This is an anonymous site with unreal names. That's the beauty of it. I don't post online photo's of who I am or of my husband. I also don't give out any personal information. My husband posts on sites where he does not inform me either, but both my husband and I have access to each others Internet activity at all times. I would never say anything bad about him.

It's not like we know who he is, where he lives or his username. I really don't think it's a big deal at all.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> That is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE. I attempted (very calmly) to talk to him at the time happened, but he flatly refused. The next day (AFTER posting here) he apologized for refusing to talk to me at the time and admitted that he thought I handled it perfectly well. My issue is that his FIRST response was to go running to outsiders rather than sit down and discuss the issue with me.


well then maybe the advice he got here woke him up. and you should be glad he had the gumption to seek advice if he was being unreasonable.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you're getting pretty defensive and I understand that feeling, being a infidelity survivor myself

but you need to realize that his decision to come here is a positive decision- in fact by your description it seems to have even been good for him.

He originally ignored a problem, rethought it and sought advice, and then came back to you after that advice with better understanding- don't you see how that is a very good thing?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> That is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE. I attempted (very calmly) to talk to him at the time happened, but he flatly refused. The next day (AFTER posting here) he apologized for refusing to talk to me at the time and admitted that he thought I handled it perfectly well. My issue is that his FIRST response was to go running to outsiders rather than sit down and discuss the issue with me.


Do you have others that you can consult with to get advice? Have you ever taken a position (with him or your ex), re-thought it, talked to someone else, then gone back to explain that you changed your mind?

That is what I see him doing here. I don't necessarily see that his first response was going to outsiders, but rather to deal with it in an immature way. He worked through it with some anonymous help and came around. Would you have preferred if this had occured, but he talked with a friend instead of posting? If so, why is that better?

Since it bothers you, and with your history, I do think that you need to discuss it. I caution you to be careful. If he got good advice, and considers this a resource that he can use to help your relationship, consider whether you want to actually have him not use it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other?


It's very normal. Sometimes it really helps to get other perspectives on a situation, especially if it's something that you can't or don't want to talk about with your real-life friends or family. 

A lot of people need to really think about something before they speak to their SO's about it, and posting here helps them gather their thoughts about an issue. Sometimes they just need to vent, without spewing it onto their spouses.

I would take it as a positive sign. Your guy prefers to think, consider, and _communicate _rather than keeping it bottled up inside.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

If my husband and I were having problems I would prefer him to come to me with it. If he was not comfortable doing that I would be happy to have him come here to post his issue. To me that shows that he is making a concious effort to get help with what is bothering him. He's taking the steps to improve the situation. So many men and women just let the issue fester inside until they hold so much resentment for their spouse that "fixing" the problem is impossible. Don't take his posting as doing something behind your back. Be happy that he is proactive.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> don't you see how that is a very good thing?


of course she doesnt, she cant see past her own ego.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Know_Buddy said:


> of course she doesnt, she cant see past her own ego.



I don't think it's ego, she is someone who was burned by infidelity, I think she is more fearful than anything


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Know_Buddy said:


> of course she doesnt, she cant see past her own ego.


Do you know the OP? Why are you attacking her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first. For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?


Getting an outside perspective on an issue is important to many people. This site is a very good and safe place to do that. No one knows who either you or he are.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know the OP? Why are you attacking her?


im not attacking her.
i just think if she had any sense she could see that this


> you need to realize that his decision to come here is a positive decision- in fact by your description it seems to have even been good for him.
> 
> He originally ignored a problem, rethought it and sought advice, and then came back to you after that advice with better understanding- don't you see how that is a very good thing?


was a good thing, positive for the relationship.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Know_Buddy said:


> im not attacking her.
> i just think if she had any sense she could see that this
> was a good thing, positive for the relationship.


we are skewed by experience, just because you see something clearly doesn't mean someone else sees it the same way. It doesn't make her egotistical in this case. I really think she is hypersensitive in involving outside help due to her past relationship.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't currently know that I visit this forum or recently have begun posting to it. I don't see it as a big secret, but she's had problems in the past with me even confiding in close friends about anything between us (although I'd like to think she's loosened up a notch or two in the past couple of years). In fact, confidence is not easy for either of us because I tend to set personal boundaries much more loosely than she does, and I've pretty much become convinced that we'll never really see eye to eye on that subject. But I try my best to respect her needs and feelings, and I feel like she's become better at respecting mine. I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes you just have to compromise about things that you wouldn't ordinarily think would require a compromise, if you're going to stay together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shocked Sig Other said:


> I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and *developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first.* For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?


I suggest as part of your engagement you guys do His Needs Her Needs and espcially do the boundary setting. You feel he crossed a boundary here.

You mention developing relationships. So I am guessing you are talking about private messages. Yes one has to be careful there or this pro marriage forum could become a place to hookup no doubt.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

So you feel betrayed and then do the same thing? A lot of the time people come here to see whether or not they're being unreasonable with their behavior. I commend your SO for at least reaching out for some advice instead of being hard headed on an issue. Instead of looking at this as a problem look at it as an opportunity. There are so many resources here that I would investigate if I were you, especially on communication.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Know_Buddy said:


> im not attacking her.
> i just think if she had any sense she could see that this
> was a good thing, positive for the relationship.


Buddy you are both right. 

You posted because you care and you felt you needed help to handle a difficult situation in a way that way sensitive to your partner. Many men would bury their head in the sand and ride it out hoping it will go away. But not you, you actively sought help before things escalated. That puts you heads above many men and women.

But here is where you are going wrong. You are being defensive and insulting. If this is your usual mode of communication then you better hold off on the engagement and see if you can work on this. 

You understand why she reacts tge way she did about your posting here right? You did noting wrong in fact you did a relationship positive act. But, your reaction is hard and off putting. 

To talk about her ego is escalating things because she could counter that be pointing out your falts. But if you took charge and said gently that you understand why she reacted the way she did because of her past experience and that you did not intentionally seek to worry her. You could point out your motives and how important it is for you both to suceed in the relationship and you will from time to time need to seek knowledge on how to handle things that come up before going to her. Ask her how she feels about that? 

Pointing out her faults will get you nowhere be mature and reassure her. You want to be right or do you want a relationship with this woman? She has triggers from past bad experiences as do you. Dont you think you would be happier to Accept it and work around it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I dont think BUddy is the poster OP is referring to


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mgperkow said:


> I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't currently know that I visit this forum or recently have begun posting to it. I don't see it as a big secret, but she's had problems in the past with me even confiding in close friends about anything between us (although I'd like to think she's loosened up a notch or two in the past couple of years). In fact, confidence is not easy for either of us because I tend to set personal boundaries much more loosely than she does, and I've pretty much become convinced that we'll never really see eye to eye on that subject. But I try my best to respect her needs and feelings, and I feel like she's become better at respecting mine. I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes you just have to compromise about things that you wouldn't ordinarily think would require a compromise, if you're going to stay together.


I would rather have my husband post on this site about our marital issues than talk to close friends about them. Close friends tend to be biased to the person confiding in them. And confidences in friends make the relationship between the talked about spouse and that friend very awkward.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Buddy you are both right.
> 
> You posted because you care and you felt you needed help to handle a difficult situation in a way that way sensitive to your partner. Many men would bury their head in the sand and ride it out hoping it will go away. But not you, you actively sought help before things escalated. That puts you heads above many men and women.
> 
> ...


this is, as usual by you, a very good post and i completely agree with what you have said but AR is correct, i dont believe i am the OPs SO. wish i was then it would mean i still had a chance, which im guessing im way past that point myself.

i agree that our past does to some degree form how we are in our present, but as many here have said, she should see this as a good thing, especially with the out come he had from his experience. had she been able to see that, she could see the good that came from it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Know_Buddy said:


> this is, as usual by you, a very good post and i completely agree with what you have said but AR is correct, i dont believe i am the OPs SO. wish i was then it would mean i still had a chance, which im guessing im way past that point myself.
> 
> i agree that our past does to some degree form how we are in our present, but as many here have said, she should see this as a good thing, especially with the out come he had from his experience. had she been able to see that, she could see the good that came from it.


oopps sorry i didn't read carefully. I thought it was established that you were her partner.

Well to the OP. This is a good thing. It means he cares about the relationship and he is trying to get it right. 

You can't work out every relationship problem between the two of you. It helps to have a few confidants to run things by. 

Personal opposite sex confidants are a no no. Person to person same sex or close relative of either sex. 

Posting on a site like this has the advantage of getting relationship advice from the opposite without running the risk of a personal attachment. 

Talk to him explain how you feel but be reasonable. This is a trigger, and when it goes off, think before you react and then discuss it from the standpoint of how you feel. 

Be willing to see things differently if it is not a threat and ask him to be sensitive to your triggers so that you can bring it up. You should slowly be less reactive and trusting, with time.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> oopps sorry i didn't read carefully. I thought it was established that you were her partner.


LOL

i was hoping you knew something i didnt. :/


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Know_Buddy said:


> of course she doesnt, she cant see past her own ego.


First off, that's not nice!

Second, are you the one who posted the other day wishing you could have your name as 'nobody' so you could say 'nobody likes this'???


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> First off, that's not nice!
> 
> Second, are you the one who posted the other day wishing you could have your name as 'nobody' so you could say 'nobody likes this'???


ok, i take that back then.

lol, no.
my name is not nobody.

for some reason, i cant stop laughing at that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Know_Buddy said:


> LOL
> 
> i was hoping you knew something i didnt. :/


I wish I were too. At any rate what ever happens, I hope you are able to move on and make the negative outcome a victory in your future. The best to you and your SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Know_Buddy said:


> LOL
> 
> i was hoping you knew something i didnt. :/


Know Buddy is "nobody likes this" but Know Buddy will admit to picking that up from Riverside's thread. We voted on it being Almost Recovered, but he denies it is him.
Or maybe it's a she. I voted that it was the tumor.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I promise you I aint Know Body


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I promise you I aint Know Body


ive actually kinda thought this for quit some time


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I promise you I aint Know Body


nope, AR aint.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

deejov said:


> Know Buddy is "nobody likes this" but Know Buddy will admit to picking that up from Riverside's thread. We voted on it being Almost Recovered, but he denies it is him.
> Or maybe it's a she. I voted that it was the tumor.


when was this voting done?
secret votes, hmmmm.
i never said i didnt get the idea from Riverside, i said i wasnt him. 

that_tumor, well, it had to go somewhere. but it wasnt here.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

skipping replies..


Sometimes, posting the story, on sites like this, will help get the significant other thinking of better ways to approach you with the subject. I think it is always good to get some advice. You have to weed out the ones you don't agree with, and bounce the other ideas back & forth in your mind, until you come up with a good solution.

Sometimes, we just need to vent and want a sympathetic ear, which we know we will not get from that super jealous/cheating/ insecure/ depressed/ flirtatious... etc, etc, (you pick the appropriate adjectives) spouse.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I might be totaly off base here if I am then disreguard.
> 
> 
> my bet is he did try to comunicate and you blew it off as not important or had such a strong reaction to it that he he just took his lumps but is still bothered by it.
> ...


This. Or, he does feel it is something he cannot discuss with you productively based on past conversations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> I promise you I aint Know Body


We know you ain't nobody AR. 

Seriously, how many ID's do you have and who are they??


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

About a year ago I started what became a HUGE couple of threads when my OH had an EA with a girl at work. My OH knew of the site.

He ventured upon one of them and was very angry that I was posting details of our relationship for the world to see. I had previously posted on another site a while before about something else and he did not like it at all. 

From my perspective, I was pretty messed up a year ago. The person I lived with, had children with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with had in one day got my life in his hands and turned it upside down. And continued to do so for months after. I was devastated, and also embarrassed: I felt I couldn't talk about it in "real life" initially because I was ashamed, and then after because it was hard to get objective advice. 

I felt here was a place I could go to where people were happy to help at any time of day or night. They offered a range of opinions and gave me perspectives I would never have considered and ways to approach OH and handle things I would never have entertained. It was my saviour and I know without a doubt that we would not be together now or making wedding plans were it not for the help of many on here.

My OH like you OP felt very betrayed by some of the details I shared. It wasn't so much intimate stuff but there was some snippets I felt pertinent that he disliked me sharing. None of it was ever intended to hurt or humiliate him despite what he'd done; in posting I was looking for constructive ways to move forward. What I genuinely felt to be positive to both myself and us.

He ended up posting an angry reply on one of my threads which got quite a reaction. He felt threatened by some of the advice as it was not in his favour. I don't know the thread in question you refer to OP but can you take a step back with your feelings and see what your spouse was hoping to achieve by posting? It is inevitable that both parts of a couple will have differing takes on a situation. Is there any way you can acknowledge that and use it positively?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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