# I don't want to wreck our reconciliation, but...



## PeaceSeeking

I and my husband of 10 years are working on reconciliation, after a short separation. Just to give you a bit of backstory, my husband had an EA, which culminated in his meeting the OW at a motel, where I discovered them. Trust is still a major issue for me, and I still snoop through his email, text, and browser history to confirm the EA is over. He is still unaware that I can see his text messages, he thought I found out about the affair by following him, but he has not attempted to contact the OW, she has not tried to contact him. In my recent snooping, however, I discovered that my husband is viewing types of porn that make me unconfortable. I want to stress that it's all adults entirely, but the "plots" are father/daughter, mother/son, or brother/sister. If it was something he looked at just once, I wouldn't care, but this has been a repeated theme for a couple of months. Should I confront him about this? He will likely be very upset that I've been snooping, and embarrassed that I've seen what he's viewing. Is this something I should just ignore?


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## Flying_Dutchman

Peace - methinks your short seperation was probably too short. He sweet-talked you back? Who knows?

Thing is, you're both "working on reconciliation" and yet your post describes him working on ways to hide stuff and you working on ways to find it. In essence, exactly the same circumstances that led to the seperation.

'Trial' seperations are to effect change. The OW may've gone but the underlying pattern of 'deceit and discovery' remains the same. He plays crook to your detective.

You need ACTIONS, not words to demonstrate a genuine effort to reconcile and his actions aren't compatible with such an effort. He was hiding the 'affair', now he's hiding his porn viewing.

The mere fact that you state you wouldn't mind him watching that kind of porn 'once' suggests that porn, for you, isn't a deal breaker. Indeed, his hiding it bugs you more. Just the one post tells us that you're a 'negotiator',, so why hasn't he figured that out in 10 years of marriage?

As for the subject matter,, it could be everything or nothing. His EA suggests an immaturity in seperating fantasy from reality. Could be he's harbouring some 'tacky' fantasy but, equally, he may just enjoy the lame scriptwriting that begins such scenes. No way to tell.

The important thing is that he's hiding it from somebody he could be negotiating with,,, at a time when he should be on his best behaviour cuz you're reconciling.

Seems he thinks he's done the hard work getting you back there,,, now he can prioritise his own needs while you fulfil your wifely 'duties'. AKA - Complacency,, taking you for granted,,, inconsiderate, etc, etc.

Hence, why I think your seperation wasn't long enough. He didn't take you seriously. Dumped the OW and thought "That'll do." So far as he's concerned it was enough,, cuz you're back.

If you confront him about the porn and texts,, you'll also be giving up the means by which you snoop,, making him amend the means by which he hides stuff. The pattern of hide 'n' snoop won't be broken.

If you want to be happy, you HAVE to break it or leave. Unless you do that, you'll always be snooping,, often when there's nothing to be found,, cuz he's doing nothing to regain your trust.

Little point confronting him if you're going to be easily appeased. He'll just hide stuff better.

Either, you confront him with an ultimatum or dire consequences that you WILL see through,,, or you keep secretly snooping and let his complacency reveal how far his deceit will go. Maybe you need something that'll make you furious enough to take more than half-hearted action.

For sure,, he won't change unless you give him good reason,, and maybe not even then.

Likely, it'll take counselling to figure out why he hides stuff that you're prepared to negotiate over. And why he hasn't figured that out in 10 years. It suggests a self-centredness and a complacency that 'won' you when you said "Yes" and no further effort was required.

Gotta shake yourself up, Peace. Decide what you want - leave,, or the (probable) long haul of effecting change. Then, shake him up. No more hiding stuff. He'll do it so long as you let him get away with it.

A life spent snooping is no life at all. Whatever works for you. Assess, make a plan and follow it through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeaceSeeking

I do feel as if his attitude really hasn't changed at all, even though he says he wants to save our marriage. The incest porn is creepy and weird, and I'm afraid it's the straw that broke the camel's back. Do I actually mention it, when I say that I don't think reconciliation is working?


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## Flying_Dutchman

It's hard to advise you when you, yourself seem torn between reconciliation and leaving.

You're the one on the 'front line',, not in any apparent danger,, so not for me to push you into a hasty decision. BUT,, the status quo ain't working for you so you have to shake things up.

Making somebody considerate when they've spent their entire lives being inconsiderate is no easy fix. Might even be impossible. He's practised, not just in hiding the stuff you mention, but his character. No way to tell how 'irredeemable' he is from your posts.

You're the one with the full history of his words matching his actions, or not. E.g. Does he always get his way or do you feel you're treated as an equal regarding finances and other major decisions? How's the relationship when the 'hide 'n' snoop' isn't/wasn't a factor?

Personally, I think you need to assess your entire history to consider whether you have, or ever had, something worth saving. His 'mask' is off now, which sheds a new light on everything.

While you think on that,, I'd keep up with the secret snooping, to see how far he'll go and to see quite how secretive he is.

If you lay your cards on the table now,, then fall for his promises,, the only change will likely be that he'll be better equipped to hide stuff and you'll have to get better at snooping to uncover it.

Better you hold off while you make your mind up while gathering more evidence. If you decide to leave that'll make it easier for you. If you decide to stay,, you can hit him with a landslide of stuff and make demands based on it. Counselling/therapy,, limited computer time,,, changes to any of his behaviours that pìss you off.

Many would already be gone. The E(P)A,, the 'dodgy' porn. But, deal breakers for some aren't necessarily for all.

It's not so much a 'leave or stay' choice so much as a 'leave or fight for change', cuz he won't change overnight or without you insisting he does. Even then, will you trust the changes?

It's a lot to think about. You weigh it and get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Incest is a major taboo in our culture, and the fact that he is watching "incestuous porn" is creepy to me too. I realize that porn is fantasy, but most people aren't into incest. I guess what I'm trying to say is between the hiding & sneaking and his obvious interest in this taboo porn, ask yourself if this is someone who shares your values, who you can respect, and who you even want to be with.

And Flying Dutchman is right. Don't blow your cover on snooping and gathering evidence until you are sure of what you want to do. He will just hide it better. And make sure you document it all, take screen shots, print out browser history, etc. because he will likely try to deny everything.


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## cdbaker

Not that incest style porn was ever my thing, but to offer a different perspective here, I will say that it always seemed to be tremendously popular. I was able to kick my porn addiction a few years ago (yes, porn is incredibly addicting, and I'm sure your husband is addicted as well) but at the time it seemed to easily be one of the top 3 most popular "themes" in porn. Trying to remember the most popular themes I used to see, there was threesome/more than two people, lesbian, and yeah I'd probably say that incest was right up there too. I'm sure I used to watch a few of those kinds of clips as well, and I want to clarify that this doesn't mean that most of the viewers of this content are actually interested in real life incest, AT ALL. As was mentioned here though, I think it was always the "taboo" nature of it that made it interesting. For the record, 99% of the "incest" videos and content out there are just made with actors.

So I mean... yeah it's a kink, but I wouldn't say that you have any more reason to worry about him because he's into incest porn vs. any other kind. The fact that he is into porn at all however (in my view) IS still a problem. Porn is incredibly destructive to marriages as it reprograms the interests and pleasure centers of the brain, and robs the relationship of being able to satisfy those relational needs properly. It's incredibly habit forming, and trying to stop it cold turkey produces very real biological withdrawl symptoms similar to going off major illegal and/or prescription drugs. That isn't the sort of thing you want to be involved in your marriage, I promise you!


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## mjalex

There's a very large trust issue that may be compromising this reconciliation. I fear that your snooping is making you paranoid in an unnecessary way, putting a barrier between you and your husband. It seems that both of you were willing to try to reconcile at some point, so the effort was there to begin with.

As for the incest porn, does he think it's a bad thing? If he doesn't consider it an issue, then it may explain some of his behavior. However, mentioning that you've been looking through his stuff may not bode well... 

It's a very tough situation and I wish you all the best. If you truly feel uncomfortable, then I'd have a conversation with him. Don't lie and mention that you worry what this porn behavior could mean.
Certain role-playing ideas can turn someone on, and it doesn't mean something terrible.

Work on reconnecting and getting to know each other again. Open up and learn to trust, and perhaps you'll find better grounds to stand on. 
All the best!


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