# Here I am....



## ForeverChasing (Oct 4, 2008)

I'm new here, first of all. This is my first EVER forum. I decided to try this because here I was sitting on the couch with my (passed out) husband watching Iron Man and out of nowhere I start to cry, thinking about our relationship and the past. I'm starting to realize that I may have a depression problem. It's in my family. My mother has it and has always been on anti-depressants as far back as I can remember. Anyway, to better understand what I am feeling at this moment, I'll need to take you back in time...when we first met.I was just shy of turning 18, he was 20. I was gullable and naive. I fell in love with a different boy every week. I saw him at my best friends house one night. Although I didn't speak to him that night, I told myself I have to see him again. I truly felt it was love at first sight. And although I fell in love...a lot...this felt different. I asked around to all who was there that night if they knew him. Crazy as it was, all my friends that I had been friends with since I was about 16 all knew him...well...and this was the first I had seen or even heard of him. So, my best friend was having a huge party the next weekend and I made sure that all these people who knew him would get him to this party. Although, I am pretty shy and concervative, I was pretty wild back then. When I saw that he was there, at the party, I knew I had to do something to catch his attention. Being shy and waiting around to see if he would talk to me wasn't going to cut it. So, I got a few drinks in me and just walked up to him and started kissing him. THANK GOD HE DIDN'T HAVE A GF! Needless to say, it worked. We were inseperable...but only for like a week. I always fell in love fast...but also I was always the one to leave fast as well. It was different with him. He left me first of all. It was like he took a play out of MY game book. To try and cut this down a little bit, we went through 2 years of off again, on again. I was always in love, sufficating him because I was so affraid it would be the last day I saw or spoke to him. He always broke my heart...but he would always be the one to come running back...ironically when I would finally be over him. The longest relationship he had ever been in, before me, was only about 6 months. The last time we broke up, we were still messing around with each other, we went to a club and he ran into an ex. He had dated her and lived with her after one of our breakups. They were talking and one of my friends over heard them. She asked what he was doing there with me...and he said, "She's just something to do." I still, can not forget that! So, a few months go by and I was finally done with him. I told myself that was it, I'm not hurting myself like this anymore. Then 2 days after Christmas, I found out I was pregnant. Go Figure! When I told him, he went into shock mode and ignored me for like the first 3 months. Just dropped off the face of the earth. Then one night he called me out of the blue. He had been doing drugs pretty bad and was telling me he needs help. After that we slowly got back into our friendship. That next month, he moved in with me and we've been together ever since. That was 6 years ago. We've been married for 2 years now and have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. Okay, so the problem is now...sometimes I get these feelings that he doesn't love me as much as I love him or that he just stayed with me because of our daughter. And then sometimes I just think I'm being stupid. He has never cheated on me, he completely changed his life after he moved in with me and I know without a doubt that he does love me. But, sometimes I feel not as much as I love him. And when I get these depressed feelings, I can't stop myself from going back to the past when he broke my heart so many times..over and over again. Why would he hurt me like that over and over again for so long and then just all of a sudden he can't live without me? We don't argue too much, but when we do, he says the most hurtful things that just make me cringe inside. I have never tried to make him feel any less of himself, but everytime we argue, he says a different hurtful thing than the last time...and I take stuff in and bottle it up. I feel like that's how he truly feels about me, mainly because he's not a very emotional person and doesn't talk about feelings. So he close to never compliments me or brings me flowers or anything like that. But as soon as we start arguing, he's all about throwing out hurtful comments. And then when it comes to work, I can't EVER vent about my day because his is always 100 times worse. So it's gotten to the point where I just don't even say anything anymore. Isn't a spouse supposed to be your best friend, someone you can talk to about anything and want to talk to about everything. I have no one to talk to. I just bottle everything up inside and never let it out. I think what caused my feelings tonight, was that we took our daughter to the fair. He doesn't like to go out in public where there's a lot of people. I like getting out of the house and doing stuff. Before we left, he seemed all for it. It made me happy. When we got there, I could tell he was starting to get irritated. I told him, "remember, this is for our daughter." He was a champ for about the first hour, after that he got irritated and was ready to go which made me irritated because I just wanted us to have a nice, fun night out. I just feel like, here we are 8 years later and I'm still chasing him. Still trying to do everything I can to make him fall in love with me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ForeverChasing said:


> Isn't a spouse supposed to be your best friend, someone you can talk to about anything and want to talk to about everything.


Maybe. But it certainly doesnt just happen. It takes a lot of work. And a lot of changing on both sides.

Sounds like you two have a lot going on. Especially for you. So you feel like you're always chasing him and if you stop chasing him then you'll probably feel the unbearable loneliness that you are starting to realize is there anyway. 

Well, there's no easy way out of all this emotional chaos. It takes years of work. First you have to start with yourself, because that's the only one you have any control over at this point. There are books you can read, forums, counseling, and spiritual support if is suits you. You have to do all these things to help yourself. And you have to be patient. It takes years to work through all the things that you are feeling. 

But it all starts with you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

1) You are hung up on what he did in the past yet you say he is a changed man. If that is the case forgive his past transgression. You need to move forward. Remember forgiving and forgeting are two different things but in the end you need this to heal or it will never get better and can only get worse.

2) Communication is an issue on both sides. You need to talk to him about what you need and want from him.  Then you need to listen to what he wants. Neither of you should interrupt each other.

3) I believe the arguing will subside when you have better communication with him. It has been over two years since the last arguement I had with my wife the one before that was three years prior (5 years ago).

4) Most people do not understand the need for affection such as nice words, notes, cards, flowers etc. Start to hang a note on the mirror each day for him until he asks and say this is what you always wanted from him so you wanted to give him the affection to show him you love him also. Might make a good way to talk about your issues.

5)ljtseng said


> Well, there's no easy way out of all this emotional chaos. It takes years of work. First you have to start with yourself, because that's the only one you have any control over at this point. There are books you can read, forums, counseling, and spiritual support if is suits you. You have to do all these things to help yourself. And you have to be patient. It takes years to work through all the things that you are feeling.


I could not agree more or say it better.

6) Some people are competetive by nature. It seems like as soon as he wants to pity you he wants pity too. Maybe his day is that bad, who knows but because you don't have good communications with him it hurts you and you hide it more.

You need to communicate better with him. You need to build yourself back up again.

draconis


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## Mary-Lou (Oct 4, 2008)

I agree with the fact that you have to tell him that you are not ocmmunicating good enough and even not at all.
Your relationship is builded ona mistake he has whats call in psychology the run and hide syndrom and you ahve the same one. menaing that you run aftrer a guy then drop it when it worka nd you ahve it while if he run you are desperate and run after him til you get him. H egot the same thing and thats why he will always come back after you get over him and dont care any more.. thats typical.
Now what he said about oyu in the past "just soemthig to do" is a terrible thing to say as well as disapearing for 3 months after knwoing he made you pregnant specialy when you 2 had known each otehrs for so long and been together (even if on and off) for so long.
he i sa very irresponsible person and egoistic too.
He only came back cause HE was in trouble and He needed help, not cause he regreted his actiosn nor had love for the child..or you.
Thats very bad foundations for a marriage.
on the other hand you say he changed that thne why isnt he more lovign to you?
THAT HE NEVER GIVE OYU FLOWERS NOR TALK OF HIS FEELING SOT YOU IS VERY ABD FROM HIM AND THAT HE DONT EVEN LET OYU VENT OUT WHEN YOU COEM FORM WORK IS INCREDIBLE.
i HTINK YOU HSOULD TAKE IT UP WITH HIM TELL HIM WE NEED TO TLAK AND TELL HIM THAT WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL HIM <BOUT OYUR DAY, GOOD OR BAD TO STOP NMAKING IT INTO A COMPETITION AND TOP LET OYU TALK AND to be more supportive.
Ask him too toshow you his love feelings for you and about this syndrom of non commitment.
I think that you should try to sort it out together but also to envisage seeing a counsler.
You are still very young, but not enough to excuse this lack of general knopwledge oyu are having in couples
communication. A dialog must take palce and for it to happen oyu haveboth to be open for it and to understand how necessaraly it is.
Tell him that you cried because of the lack of dialog and that you would like him to be your friend more than he is now.
The one you can come home to and talk to about everything.
Withotu it a marriage isnt real and cant survive time withotu the one or both living in deep misery and sadness inside.
You said you bottled up all your feelings and thats why you feel bad.
its perfectly normal, tlak to him about that too
you are two adults you should be able to sort things out and to become more aware of what needs to chnage in yoru relationship and in the marriage.
The communication way is blocked, move that road block and make a that road larger and more conmfortable to use , simply by becoming more conscious BOTH OF YOU of the necessity to tlak for real and more often.
No, you do not have a depression state problem, anybody else in the situation oyu are into will feel depress. How can one not feel low to be unable ot speak with her husband and to get no love sign and no emotional excahnges but only critisism and negativ outbursts.
Tell him that its not ok to lash out to oyu as he does jsut cause he is unable ot express himself confidently about his feeligns and that if he is diosatisfied with something it doesnt mean that he have the rigth to say it using insults or by putting you down.
Tell him you ahve more reasons than he does to feel disatidfied with him and the marriage since he never bring roses and never do somehting romantic for oyu nor say soemhting romantic to oyu nor do a thing to express his love for you and show that he care but do so much to show that he dont like you!
that dont add up for a good marriage.
You must tell him that he have to change that and that the 2 of you need to have a "meeting" about htis everyday and discuss gthe matter for an hour or 2 everyday tll oyu reach a breakthrough and then keep talking together about things at least once a week.


When you cant talk together and you feel no love from him, why are you still together?
When he never sweet talk you nor coem with gifts or roses nor show his love and affection in anyway to you and when he insult you so grossly and call you things so often, why does he stay with you?
Ask those question clearly, what bind oyu together.
I do not think that it is healthy for a child to grow up in a house fill with hatress and miscommunication a disfunctioning couple and where dad is tellign the worse things about mum and mum seem so depress and keeping all her feelign sinside.
Kids do feel all those thigns very clearly and heavily.
Can you imagine whats going to happen to oyur child in 10 years form now when she will be a teen? and in 15 years form now, and 20 years form now?
She risk to go form abd relæationship to bad relationship and to ahve a dysfunctioning family too with poor communication with her chidlren and her husband,.. we unconsciously choose partner that repeat the same patterns that we saw before..

You both have one common denominator, and that is the fear of not being enough and læow selfestime.
It permits him to insutl you and put you odwn and he use that becasue he feel he ist enough... and you let him do it becasue your selfestime is too low... and becasue he do htat to you oyur selestime stays low or get lower..
Cut the vicious circle and when he will begin to say evil things about you to you, say to him "I am not your mirror so cut the crap".
That should do.


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## ForeverChasing (Oct 4, 2008)

To the last post...

We are very loving towards each other. We NEVER argue in front of our daughter. As far as she is concerned, she has the most loving family in the world. 
The communication part, I completely agree with. That's our problem, we can't communicate. The only time we truly talk about our feelings is after an arguement when we're making up. 
He's a very sarcastic person and hard to have a "serious" talk with him. I'll try and talk seriously with him about {feelings} and he'll sarcastically say, "Oh God, here we go." Or something of that nature. 
And about me not letting go of the past. It only comes up when I start feeling lonely or after we argue. All other days, the past never comes up..it's only after we agrue or I'm feeling lonely when I start thinking about how it was in the past and why did his feelings changefor me so quickly after years of being the girl who was "just something to do" when he felt lonely.
All in all, we have a very good relationship. Everyone who knows us thinks we are the strong couple, the ones who are so in love, it's gross. We never argue in front of friends, we never argue in front of family, we never argue in front of our daughter. We almost always make up before the night is over. I think we just have horrible communication. I can't talk to him about the way I'm feeling because I know he'll be sarcastic about it, I can't talk to him about my day because I know he'll start talking about his and then we'll start to argue and the past starts running through my head but only when I'm sad and depressed. 
I'm going to try and sit down with him and tell him we...no, I need to talk. Let him know I am being completely serious...he can listen or not, take it in or not, but I do not want him interupting me. And if this doesn't work, then I am going to mention taking some counseling for our communication.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Don't dwell on the past. You have us to talk to.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ForeverChasing said:


> I'm going to try and sit down with him and tell him we...no, I need to talk. Let him know I am being completely serious...he can listen or not, take it in or not, but I do not want him interupting me. And if this doesn't work, then I am going to mention taking some counseling for our communication.


Talking to him is a good idea, but i dont think it will help you feel better. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. 

I honestly think the loneliness issue is your issue, and has nothing to do with him. i only say that because for awhile in my relationship i suffered a lot of loneliness. i wanted him to alleviate it because i thought it was his doing. i would talk it to death with him, always feeling more frustrated and lonely afterwards. 

My H doenst do the whole 'heart-to-heart' talks either. but i've learned that i can communicate with him in other ways that work for us both. I honestly do not talk to him all that much anymore. but that's only because its not his thing. 

If i have anything important to say, i keep it very short and simple. I pay more attention to other areas of our communication, and i take care of my own happiness.

there are a lot of other things out there that can alleviate loneliness. I really just do not think talking to him is going to help at this point. its obviously not how he communicates. i could be totally wrong, but its just my opinion.


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