# Opinion Needed On Follow-up On EA



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

I need opinions on the follow-up situation after my discovering my H's EA. I won't go into the entire occurance but I have posted my past history.

My H still works a seasonal, part-time job with the woman that he was seeing and she is still friends on his FB page. In checking on his activity, I stiil find that he looks at her posts of "cute" pics & sayings and that they still play "Farmtown" daily.

I have found no evidence of their meeting for lunch (which occurred for 2 years w/o my knowledge) or of phone calls or chatting on FB, but am I being a fool to believe that he won't go back to this since he has not nor will not cut off the FB or work contact w/her?

Also, like other readers have posted, I can't seem to get past my anger & it has been 9 mos. since I accidently saw his FB messages with her. Does anyone know how they got past this anger?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you cannot have a proper R while there is still contact

even if you were to believe that he isn't continuing the affair (which I would highly doubt considering you can't verify everything when he is at work), he still sees her and interacts with her and keeps her in his mind


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

MsSherlock22,

Anger takes long, long time to become manageable.
Have you asked him why he is still in contact with her?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mssherlock22 said:


> I need opinions on the follow-up situation after my discovering my H's EA. I won't go into the entire occurance but I have posted my past history.
> 
> My H still works a seasonal, part-time job with the woman that he was seeing and she is still friends on his FB page. In checking on his activity, I stiil find that he looks at her posts of "cute" pics & sayings and that they still play "Farmtown" daily.
> 
> ...


Finding no evidence and there being no further "secret" contact are two different things. My STBXH opened several "secret" other accounts in which to continue communications with his EA. What you have is *no evidence* that it went underground, and that the exchanges you now see on FB are just a cover. From the "been there/done that" department, you might want to do some sleuthing to see if there is another FB account or other site where they continue to communicate in secret.

Perhaps you can't get past your anger because of his continued association with the OW and that nagging fear that the affair went underground.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

My wife kept contact with her OM on Facebook after DD#1. Found out later it wasn't just friends, it wasn't just EA, it was a full blown PA with plans for divorce and remarriage. Not saying I know your situation, but I followed the advice here and it lead me to the truth. If he still has contact with her, he has no respect for you and your feelings. Spyware helps a lot. But there was no resolution for us until DD#2 when I discovered she had just taken the affair way underground. Cheaters lie, cheaters justify, cheaters will keep going because they feel a right or a desire to keep doing what they are doing. 

How to get past the anger? Working on that. If your spouse commits to true recovery and cuts all ties to the AP, and reconnects with you it can help, it has in my case. But the anger depends on how you hold on to it. For me the more I feel my wife reconnecting with me, the easier it is to forgive. But there are days when it consumes me. I am post DD only 60 days, my hopes are with verified truth, and growth in our marriage the R will kill the anger and mistrust. But it's OK and normal to be angry for a time. It's and individual and personal time for every BS, and I believe it takes each of us our own time to move through it.

I wish you luck, and I am sorry for what you are going through.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you cannot have a proper R while there is still contact
> 
> even if you were to believe that he isn't continuing the affair (which I would highly doubt considering you can't verify everything when he is at work), he still sees her and interacts with her and keeps her in his mind


^^^^^THIS. NC is the ONLY way to truly get your H back. As long as ANY contact remains-SHE is in/on his mind-he CANT commit 100% to you. I've lived this personally. There was a HUGE difference in my H after NC. Its the only way to completely leave the fog. ALL else is just tempting fate.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mssherlock22 said:


> My H still works a seasonal, part-time job with the woman that he was seeing and she is still friends on his FB page. In checking on his activity, I stiil find that he looks at her posts of "cute" pics & sayings and that they still play "Farmtown" daily.
> 
> I have found no evidence of their meeting for lunch (which occurred for 2 years w/o my knowledge) or of phone calls or chatting on FB, but am I being a fool to believe that he won't go back to this since he has not nor will not cut off the FB or work contact w/her?


 The fact that he will not cut off contact means that he is still in the emotional affair (EA) and means that he may be in a physical affair (PA). Although if the money is important he may have some footing arguing work contact, there is no such defense for him being FaceBook friends with her or playing "Farmtown" with her daily. He is in your face about continuing the relationship with her and you are letting him do it.

If you do not have children with this man, you need to leave him. He does not have even the most basic respect for you and does not care enough about your feelings to even try to hide the fact that he is still in contact with her. Without respect there can be no love. This is a cold hard fact. Interestingly enough your best chance of staying in this marraige long term is to be willing to leave him. Your willingness to move on will earn his respect and may wake him from the cake eating fog that he is in. It may be too late, but it is your best chance.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Out of respect for you..he has to have absolutely zero contact with her. Demand that from him...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mssherlock22 said:


> I need opinions on the follow-up situation after my discovering my H's EA. I won't go into the entire occurance but I have posted my past history.
> 
> My H still works a seasonal, part-time job with the woman that he was seeing and she is still friends on his FB page. In checking on his activity, I stiil find that he looks at her posts of "cute" pics & sayings and that they still play "Farmtown" daily.
> 
> ...


When we make mistakes, particularly ones that impact on others, we need to own the mistake, apologize for it and do everything in our power to make amends and not do it again.

From what I can gather, your H might have apologized, but he certainly hasn't followed through on the other things necessary to heal the damage he has caused in your relationship, so his apology is worth zippo.

As long as your H is playing Farmville with her, and still has the OW on his FB list, reconciliation isn't going to be possible.

No wonder you feel angry, and you really do need to firmly address these issues with him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Exactly what part of No Contact doesn't he understand?* Why hasn't he blocked her? NC means NC means NC. Time to install Web Watcher or it's equivalent. He may try to create a secret account, which is so easy to do, just as my fWW. They don't call Facebook "Cheating made easy" for nothing.


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## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

Thanks for all of your replies. I had never seen this from this view point. I guess I wondered if maybe I was being too unreasonable since he really does not feel he did anything wrong since there was no physical contact & he has always maintained that he has no romantic feelings for her. 
He sees it as my depriving him of a friend.
I, however, can't get past the point that he hid his lunches, FB messaging, phone calls from me for 2 1/2 yrs.
I really don't know what to do-do I give up a marriage of 40 yrs that was always extra close compared to all the other marriages I know other than this occurance?
If he doesn't contact her again, will my old feelings ever come back?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

mssherlock22 said:


> Thanks for all of your replies. I had never seen this from this view point. I guess I wondered if maybe I was being too unreasonable since he really does not feel he did anything wrong since there was no physical contact & he has always maintained that he has no romantic feelings for her.
> He sees it as my depriving him of a friend.
> I, however, can't get past the point that he hid his lunches, FB messaging, phone calls from me for 2 1/2 yrs.
> I really don't know what to do-do I give up a marriage of 40 yrs that was always extra close compared to all the other marriages I know other than this occurance?
> If he doesn't contact her again, will my old feelings ever come back?


This is called gaslighting. He knows full well what he was/is doing thats why he HID it from you. 'Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing'. Same reason I didnt know most of the things my H was doing with his AP. Because she WAS his AP.....

You kinda gotta snap out of it here. Im so sorry but if he is lying to you and sneaking around- its cheating.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> When we make mistakes, particularly ones that impact on others, we need to own the mistake, apologize for it and do everything in our power to make amends and not do it again.
> 
> From what I can gather, your H might have apologized, but he certainly hasn't followed through on the other things necessary to heal the damage he has caused in your relationship, so his apology is worth zippo.
> 
> ...


Exactly. My husband's OW was FB friends with both of us. We all played Castleville together as well. When the EA came to light, she was removed and BLOCKED. 

Mssherlock, in the days following DDay and the NC was established, OW was playing the FB games, and her name would pop up in my feed..and his feed... and our son's feed. We blocked her so we wouldn't have to see what she was doing in our games. Your husband needs to go COMPLETE NC. That's the only way you can truly R.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

TRy said:


> The fact that he will not cut off contact means that he is still in the emotional affair (EA) and means that he may be in a physical affair (PA). Although if the money is important he may have some footing arguing work contact, there is no such defense for him being FaceBook friends with her or playing "Farmtown" with her daily. He is in your face about continuing the relationship with her and you are letting him do it.
> 
> If you do not have children with this man, you need to leave him. He does not have even the most basic respect for you and does not care enough about your feelings to even try to hide the fact that he is still in contact with her. Without respect there can be no love. This is a cold hard fact. Interestingly enough your best chance of staying in this marraige long term is to be willing to leave him. Your willingness to move on will earn his respect and may wake him from the cake eating fog that he is in. It may be too late, but it is your best chance.


I can't agree with this more. My husband still works as the OW's boss and each work day is torture for me. I hear about every single interaction ---he calls/reports about anything. Like this morning waiting in his car so she could pass in the parking lot and walking the long way to avoid her. I believe him on these things. But whether or not there is a fleeting "hurt glance" here or there in the hall is nothing I can verify and until he is out of that job it will always be that way. He dropped her from Facebook, etc. The fact that your husband has not dropped this woman from Facebook and plays FarmVille with her is a huge indication that he has not let go. (My husband first protested but then capitulated within the day. For both of us, until NC is established the work thing will be torture. They're fooling themselves if they think they can keep this going long term.). Be strong. Define yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Depriving him of a friend??? Time to regain your self-love and self-respect, he has evidently spirited those away from you. Put your foot down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Depriving him of a friend??? Time to regain your self-love and self-respect, he has evidently spirited those away from you. Put your foot down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"depriving him of a friend" is typical gaslighting. Trying to make her think she's unreasonable. Make her second guess herself. 

DONT FALL FOR IT! NC or youre out-its the only way. The longer you allow this the deeper 'in the fog' he will get.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Slippery Slope quiz
On-Line Friendship's quiz
NOT "Just Friends". Shirley Glass


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