# OM facebook friends with my adult kids



## wizernow

We are 1.5 years post DD. FWW has had no contact with OM. 

Recovery is going OK, Fww is in IC for anxiety, past high school abusive relationships, family or origin issues. (father left home when she was young, mom re married great guy).

No contact since DD. Wife first deflected/denied, but with texts retrieved she confessed. We didn't expose expect to pastor and to counselors. Would probably do differently now. Since wife was going through and being transparent, Christian advice was along lines of Matthew 18...no further exposure.


May post full story some time. For now, the POSOM, who was a long-time coach of 2 of my kids in an individual sport, is still FB friends with them. He's blocked from my wife's FB and phone.

No activity for a year, but he posted small note on son's birthday, and has recently thrown a few likes toward my daughter.

This pisses me off, and I sent him a text for him to call me. No response. 

My options...

1. call his wife and let her know what's going. She wasn't exposed. In some texts between OM and my wife he refers to her as being "snoopy", so she must have suspected something.

2. Explicitly tell OM (via text) to stay away from my kid's FB or else...He probably won't respond or accept a call.

3. Monitor and make sure nothing escalates.

This POSOM has lost his coaching job. My kid's don't communicate with him as he's not in their social circle.

My first post...thanks for all the good advice from posters here.


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## Sun Catcher

Wow, that is creepy. Wonder who initiated the friend request the ex-coach or the kids?

Anyway, I think I would send him another text or leave a voicemail telling him he has a choice:

1). Un-friend my kids from FB, or
2). I will expose what happened between you and my wife with your wife.

Just make sure he still has the same phone number. I presume your adult children know nothing of their mother's infidelity? 

Best of luck.


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## ConanHub

Expose. Your children need to know and the OMW certainly needs to know.

You did it wrong the first time around and need to remedy it.

Don't inform the OM, just expose him and protect your family and others.

I'm ordained and have dealt with infidelity more than a few times.

Expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

The kids and his wife should have been told. Basically, you have joined their cheating conspiracy. Children should not be lied to by both their parents. Many posters hére have said how awful it was when it was found out later.

Why would you even think of keeping his wife ignorant of what she is married to?


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## GusPolinski

#1 for sure. She deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

Please provide background from how it started, how you discovered, if wife did not confess how she reacted, and how it was ended. Every detail is important please post in full.

Since you chose an option along with your pastor and wife you need to discuss with them what and how the response should be. I would lean very strongly towards exposure. I would also push for your wife to take the lead in confronting him. Ideally she, your pastor and yourself should confront in person to show a united front. This is the very bet option at this point, let me explain why. 

First the purpose of exspouse is to destroy the affair and prevent the adulters from taking the affair underground, preventing friends with good values from weighing in, then seeking surpport from those friends in the future when they bring the relationship public after destroying the chacter of the BS and then divorceing. It should follow the guidelines from marriage builders Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums 

How experienced is your pastor with dealing with adultery ? What is his training and philosophy: ie does he/she rugsweep? How was the descion made to not expose made? Did you discuss John's parable of the tax collector's reaction to the light? Perhaps not just greed drove him back into the dark, but fear also of standing in the light exposed all to see him.

Tell the pastor and your wife you need to see them without telling why until you meet. When all together in person focus on your wife's reaction when you share the info. You and the pastor need to see her intial reaction and suggestion. Yes this does have an element of a shyt test but is necessary. I stated earlier she needs to take the lead in dealing with posm with yours and the pastor's support. Please read up on heavy lifting, accepting responsibility, and of consequences. She needs to prove to herself and then you that she is a strong, capable adult, who can be trusted to handle adult relationships. If she does succeed it with strengthen her and your marriage.

Please take the time to share the history of their adultery. Without it the advise may cause more harm then good and leave you personal very vulnerable. 

Take care and be strong 

John


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## JohnA

Please note i am aware some of these points you covered in your initial post. I am asking for more info about each point for more nuance of each point and more info of events surrounding each point. We need to expore her experience with the fog and how deep she was in it.


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## soccermom2three

I can't imagine being a wife of cheating husband and knowing in my gut something is wrong but not being able to figure it out. It would be crazy making. You really need to tell the wife. Wouldn't you want to know?


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## MarriedDude

Expose it to everyone NOW


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## wizernow

Thanks for all replies. I'll post some more later today when I have time.

Daughter is getting married in 2.5 weeks, so i don't want to act before then. This isn't an emergency, imo. Guy pressed like on a few posts, and made a comment on one birthday.

The FB friendship status is leftover from when kid's were coached by OM. One was coached for 5 years, one about 2.


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## GusPolinski

wizernow said:


> Thanks for all replies. I'll post some more later today when I have time.
> 
> Daughter is getting married in 2.5 weeks, so i don't want to act before then. This isn't an emergency, imo. Guy pressed like on a few posts, and made a comment on one birthday.
> 
> The FB friendship status is leftover from when kid's were coached by OM. One was coached for 5 years, one about 2.


If nothing else, make it clear to the MFer that his presence at your daughter's wedding would be very bad for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

Creepshow.

I'd have the kids unfriend him and make a spectacularly big deal about it. With his wife, your wife, and probably post something on FB about the douche, too.


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## wizernow

intheory said:


> So, was your wife a "believing Christian" when she started having an affair ("committing adultery" in Bible-speak)?


yes. That doesn't make one immune from adultery...King David was a "man after God's own heart" yet he managed to royally screw up.



GusPolinski said:


> If nothing else, make it clear to the MFer that his presence at your daughter's wedding would be very bad for him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, Gus. OM won't be anywhere near wedding. He's not in our social circle. Wife has maintained NC as best as I can tell. I have access to her email, FB, and checked phone/ipad for deleted messages recently (1 month) and nothing untoward.


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## turnera

So your kids don't know what their mom did?


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## TAMAT

Wizernow,

Get to work! 

Collect OMs Facebook, Linkedin, Work, Customers/client, Church, Family, Friends contacts.

Prepare an exposure letter.

Hit every single one of those contact with the exposure letter.

Do it without warnings or threats and keep at it until complete.

How far away does the OM live, it's always been kinda revolting to me that some percentage of coaches use their position of trust and responsibility to pick up women.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH

Expose. Call the OM and tell him he needs to answer some questions from you regarding the A. You also need him to support a NC agreement with your family. Anything short of full compliance and you call OMW, mother, father, mil, fil, kids, etc.


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## ConanHub

intheory said:


> So, was your wife a "believing Christian" when she started having an affair ("committing adultery" in Bible-speak)?


It is called willfully sinning and rebelling against God.

Jesus has nothing to do with it when some person claiming Christianity can't keep their pants on.

David was a man after God's heart because he was a repenting man.

He was a shyt husband, father, leader, etc...

Even though he repented, he received very hard repercussions from God as well.

I'm amazed at how many Christians rug sweep adultery when the God they claim to follow never did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT

Never threaten exposure just do it, to threaten gives them the opportunity to paint you as a jealous or crazy husband, you have to overwhelm the OMs defenses with numbers.

Tamat


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## ReturntoZero

It simply baffles me how good people protect scum.


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