# To other fathers of daughters



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How did you help them with their self respect?

For my part, I encouraged them to challenge their peer group thinking. To be their own person. To never take the stupid crap from ignorant and fearful peers as a reflection of who they were as young women and instead to feel compassion for these sad souls.

But more importantly, I listened to them and showed my faith in them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I mostly just tell them repeatedly to stand up for themselves. My daughters are different as night and day. Eldest extremely organized and type A personality but unsure if herself and her place in the world. Youngest is a free spirit. Ultra laid back and totally comfortable just being her in a group or by herself. My game plan revolves around handling each situation that comes up as it cones up. I would anticipate they will both have unique problems because they are so differnt.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I talked to them about be leaders of their own life. Yes, they are both different in many ways, but they had the same challenges as teens with worries about peer acceptance.

Both girls were quite interested in shooting sports, at least until about age 16 when they got more interested in boys. But learning self defense skills was a surprisingly positive thing for their self image. We teach our kids to be polite to their elders, to not intentionally embarrass someone publicly, to give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. Girls are taught either intentionally or via mass media to be more passive and feminine. All of this is mis-applied when they start feeling uncomfortable with a situation. Whether it be a serious threat or a typical peer pressure sort of thing, they ignore their gut. But the self defense training removes this false thought process. They learn that they should listen to their gut, and they should take rational measures to rectify the situation. They feel very empowered by this. Both of my girls used the thought process to resolve serious issues.

Listening to them and asking lots of questions about what they think, how they view the world, etc is a valuable technique, too. They need to feel valued and respected by their parents. If we don't show they are valued and respected, how will they ever learn to value themselves?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My daughter's a pack leader at age 6, probably because we never taught her to be shy, and I never encouraged her to zip it.

Her resistance to peer pressure, moderate at least. I do worry about teens when sex and drugs enter the picture.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

First by trying to hold a high standard in my life. Second by teaching them to be responsible for their own lives/happiness. "if you do this the outcome will likely be this, if you do that the outcome will likely be that....now you get to choose" They usually get it right. Third by being there for them. They know that when all else fails dad is going to be there.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

What everybody else said. I have two teenage girls (13 & 16) and thankfully they're both great kids so I must be doing something right. Polite, respectful, compassionate, smart. The biggest regret I have is not making them do regular chores around the house so they can learn and teach them responsibility. They're kinda spoiled in that regard. But my stbx has been a SAHM for 16 years and she waits on them hand and foot. Doesn't make them do anything.

All you can do is do the best you can do and hope/pray they turn in to responsible adults.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

how do the relationships with the women in your life, such as mother, grandmother, aunts wife cousins, friends, etc, speak to increasing their sense of self worth, good or bad?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I never want my daughters to have to go to some guy to hear the things they want to hear. I make a point of telling them how decent and smart and pretty and talented they are, and how proud I am of them.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I taught my daughters that I wanted them to have the same chances in life that I had and if any guy ever told them that they can't do it because their female, to let them have it with both barrels. I told them that they were equal and not to back down. There's a piece of the world out there for them and it's theirs if they want it but it has to be earned. 

Oldest one didn't listen and now knows and is doing something about it. Slow learner I guess. My youngest hung on to every word and it paid off. I have no problem saying "I did good". The old man was right.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Some of the things I taught/expressed to my daughter...

1.) You are You. Nobody else and nobody else is you.
2.) You are my favorite you.
3.) Concern yourself with what you think of you, what your mother thinks of you and what I think of you. The others aren't you and didn't make you.
4.) Be able to look people in the eye after you make a decision.
5.) Own your actions.
6.) Any boy, or girl, you bring home will show manners. They will look me in the eye. They will shake my hand with a firm grasp. The will treat you with respect. If not, then why are you with them? You will not tell them my rules.
7.) Be honest. With people. But, more importantly, with yourself.
8.) Help those you can. Then help those you can't. But mostly, help them help themselves.
9.) Walk tall.
10.) Think before do.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> How did you help them with their self respect?


From the time they could talk, I encouraged them both to have an opinion and to express their opinion. Their opinion mattered and I wanted to hear it. 

This was in stark contrast to my own parents who told us that minors did not have a right to an opinion and once we turned eighteen, we could keep it to ourselves. ---Still not sure where that came from. Maybe generational.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My little girl is still not yet 10 and is very cute and sweet, and I am already seeing the babyish cuteness fade away and turn into a girlish prettiness which will soon turn into a womanly beauty. And worse when it turns into "hot". 
That is a scary moment for dads because you know what follows next. I don't know what else to do other than teach them to be self confident and not depend on others for validation. I hope she meets the right boy some day who treats her well. I don't know how I will deal with it when she gets a boyfriend.
But she is my baby and will always be even when she is 60.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

nirvana said:


> *But she is my baby and will always be even when she is 60*.


This.

I come from a long line of centenarians, and yet I pray and hope that I never outlive my children. *There is no worse fate for a parent than this.*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GTdad said:


> I never want my daughters to have to go to some guy to hear the things they want to hear. I make a point of telling them how decent and smart and pretty and talented they are, and how proud I am of them.


This is something I never really had from my Father....(that all daughters should)... we weren't close even if lived with him & my step mom...He did his own thing..she did hers.. I had a room..that's how It was... 

When I 1st came to live with them.. he'd kiss me every morning before going to work.. but this stopped.. as I got about 12 yrs old (I don't remember really).. we just never had talks, or did anything together..

It's funny because today we get along well.. it's always a good time..but back then.. it was just awkward.. I half feared him - I knew to walk a straight line & not get into trouble.. and her.. she was MEAN..one step out of line, I was told I'd be thrown out. 

I believe my father always loved me.. but didn't have any idea what to do with me... he was NOT a "hands on" dad.. like at all.

Friends , youth group & a Grandma next door was my support.. from these I learned to not get involved with Boys looking for one thing....I just knew that would only Fvk my life up...I know I was craving Love or to feel loved by someone ....I cared more about a boyfriend, a soul mate, a best friend over finding independence or going to college.. (I would have had to move out & put myself through while working if so).... 

I've always felt very thankful I met my husband when I did , as he was just one of those who lived what he spoke.. meant what he said.. really did care.. none of it was fluff.. very mature for his age..I did put all my trust in him.. he's never broken it in all these years... 

Him & our only daughter are very close.. I'd say she is closer to him over me even.. he's earned it....she looks up to him dearly.. he's always taken time for her.. encourages her.. plays games with her, watches movies with her.. they joke & laugh.. she's only 12...

It's heartwarming for me to see... so happy she has this.. 

We've always talked Openly with our kids.. any / every subject... I am more the instigator seeking how they feel. where they stand. and why...we encourage lively debate in our house...

To weigh every path that comes their way... to know their worth...that many times people are cruel but sometimes there is constructive criticism too...to be realistic, to keep her feet on the ground.. but to have a dream.. a vision... to not fall to peer pressure for acceptance.. 

Yes.. to be her own Woman.. and to choose wisely who she allows into her life.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I encouraged both of my children to always question everything, even things I or their mother told them. That didn't mean to reject everything, just to question it, test it and see if it was something that truly made sense.
I supported them in everything they did. Once they started something they had to see it though to the end. No quitting in the middle of a season.
I told my daughter, especially, that I love her - every day. I still do.
I hugged her everyday. And still do whenever I see her.
I told her she was the most important person in my life, because she is. 
I spent time with her every chance SHE had. I took her to piano, to 4H, to band practice
I taught her to drive.
I was patient with her.
We shared adventures. 
I listened to her, without condition or judgement.
I learned from her.
I tried to make her feel valued.
I told her she was smart
I told her she was beautiful


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I did things with her all the time. Played dumb games, played in the yard. Then, on to camping, fishing, shooting. Then running, lifting weights, college football games We just did things together.

By the time she was in HS she was a solid piece of work, and I think that helped tremendously. Never had a single problem with her running around with the "bad boys". She and her husband lived for almost 2 years in South America, without any drama, and both received their PhD's this summer. 

Yes, bragging some is good, too.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I encouraged both of my children to always question everything, even things I or their mother told them. That didn't mean to reject everything, just to question it, test it and see if it was something that truly made sense.
> I supported them in everything they did. Once they started something they had to see it though to the end. No quitting in the middle of a season.
> I told my daughter, especially, that I love her - every day. I still do.
> I hugged her everyday. And still do whenever I see her.
> ...


It's important to create good memories together.
But it is also important to be a parent first and say "no" when required. Too many parents today focus on the good stuff to become popular and shy away from the hard stuff (not talking about you, Ynot). 
The problem with that is the kids wake up late in life and find their lives in tatters because parents did not guide them.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

nirvana said:


> It's important to create good memories together.
> But it is also important to be a parent first and say "no" when required. Too many parents today focus on the good stuff to become popular and shy away from the hard stuff (not talking about you, Ynot).
> The problem with that is the kids wake up late in life and find their lives in tatters because parents did not guide them.


I said no when I had to. But I seldom had to.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Forest said:


> Never had a single problem with her running around with the "bad boys"


If you raise them right you seldom have that problem


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Ynot said:


> If you raise them right you seldom have that problem


Thats what we are banking on.
My little princess is 7


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Mainly I spent time with her. One of my prized possessions is a fathers day card where she wrote, "I know dad loves me because he spends time with me even when he is tired".

I listened to her and valued her opinion. But I also questioned her opinions and invited her to question mine. I tried to never criticise, but only question her. It was a difference between with my wife, whose upbringing was children listen and obey but never question. I always encouraged her to have her own opinion and not follow the crowd.

I read stories to her, told her stories of my childhood and how different it was to now. Her great-grandparents, grandparents and parents had been chimney sweeps, tram drivers, gold and gemstone fossickers, cleaners, night club owners, labourers and office workers. All those jobs were described to her, but I expected her to choose her own path and probably do very different things to her forebears.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Our daughters emotional health and well being, as individuals, will depend on they accepting their insecurities as a normal part of growing up but not allowing them or defining who they are. This applies equally to our sons, but yet often our daughters need a little bit more hand holding, especially from the first men in their lives.

My daughters are grown up women (one is a mother), yet I am the man they often come for advice. I wonder why?


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