# I have to face it now.



## QuayBlue (Jul 20, 2011)

Hello everyone,

I've been lurking here for almost a year and decided to sign up a few months ago.

I know my story is no more complicated than others, but it feels complicated and am going to share it anyway. Perhaps someone can help me.

My mother passed away on Thanksgiving. I had been dedicating my time to focusing on her, being with her during her last days, and also her funeral. I really did not want to deal with a break up and my mother's passing at the same time. It still hurts, but I am really forcing myself to start taking steps to get my life back in order and follow through on divorce/custody issues....can't avoid it forever.

About 2 months prior to mommy's passing, my husband and some of my family members got into a physical altercation after I told my sister that I would be heading to a shelter with our 2 children. He cancelled the lease on our home, and left the state.

The kids' grandmother came and took temporary custody of them while I am rebuilding. I have an interview in the state they are in on Friday, and hopefully will be able to move there. I cannot stay here anymore...too many memories. and I feel stuck.

I think I was being emotionally abused, and my gut told me it was going to become physical pretty soon, so I made the decision to leave. Also, it seemed that the situation escalated when I found out my mother was terminally ill. Before this, there were obvious signs, but I think I was ignoring them. I was often accused of cheating and was called a few "*****es" and "****s". I think I was desperate for change and to maintain my family, as I grew up in single parent household. But I think I am coming to terms with being a single parent and not being treated like doo-doo.


And not to say I am this Oh Holy Being and I can do no wrong...I certainly did, but we are really not compatible, and I cannot and refuse to keep taking abuse off of anyone, job (another story lol), significant other, etc.

Anyhow...I have a couple of questions. 

I would like to be able to equally share custody with their dad. They are 4 years old, so not school-aged until the summer. I really do not want to fight about it, but I think they would benefit from split custody. They really love their dad, though him and I don't get along. I am not sure how to approach him about it, as he is not the easiest person in the world to talk to.

I also want to *not* talk about reconciliation. This is actually the end of our second go-round after I fled from the West coast to the Midwest after he cheated on me with a mutual "friend" of ours. I know I am completely finished with this relationship, but I want to be clear and firm about it, without being silent and standoffish like I have been the past 45 days or so. I'm just not sure what to do.....

Meh.

Any advice you all can give me would be much appreciated. I have a lot of stage-fright in approaching this situation head on.

Thanks ahead.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Quay,

My suggestion is to go see a individual counselor for help for YOU! They can give you an outsiders view of your issues and help you grow. If you do that, the rest of the issues will become clearer IMO.

Give it a shot at least...you love your kids and your worth it to yourself and them!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Be strong and hang in there. Know what you want and be aware of what it is so that you're not swayed from it. 

Get a counselor.

Tell him directly that you are not interested in reconciling, only in getting a divorce. To make that go more smoothly, talk to a lawyer first, file the papers and THEN serve him the papers. Do not try to talk to him about it beforehand, get his approval or blessing for your choice, or even decide together. You have decided what you want. If you think he might fight you on it, you want to make sure you present a clear and unambiguous position on your POV. This isn't mean or nasty and he will have time to talk to you about the process afterwards, but saying "I want a divorce" could end in "well, let's talk about that", while saying "I filed for divorce" seems to say, "let's just accept it and move forward." Just my two cents. My own situation is a mess, but this is what I think would make most sense. Try to protect yourself and your kids; abuse isn't to be taken lightly. If you suspected it was going toward physical, it probably was; that's often the consensus on it. Be strong and be firm.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I was very verbally/emotionally abused by my first husband. He also is a serial cheater.

I would never in a million years share equal custody with the child we had together. He had supervised visits for years, he was sent to anger management/parenting/drug treatment classes. Then visitation was minimal due to his abuse. I could not stop it all together.

Guess what, he verbally and emotionally abused our daughter. She is a wreck and we are trying our best to fix her. She grew up being a fabulous child, but she has some severe emotional issues. She is just about to turn 18. Her biological father calls her worthless and shut her out of their family over a year ago. She just saw him for the first time in a long time, as she was leaving he said "good, it's about time you leave" right to her face. He is always calling her names telling her she's a b!tch, spoiled, brat, ect... He screams at the top of his lungs most the time too. He is very angry , especially toward women. Things were going well when she was young, it all changed when she hit 12-13.

I would rethink what your going to do and how this will effect your children. If they are there 1/2 the time, they will be difficult to control in your care. You need to protect your children and do what is in THEIR best interest. They will grow up by his example. Personally, I'd keep those kids with you as much as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

If you want to share custody of the children, either you or him has to move closer to one another. You'll have to share the cost of plane tickets and travel expenses for your kids, and that can get expensive.

Chances are, the courts will award your husband some sort of visitation. Its not just your choice. If I had my way, my daughter wouldn't see her father. He is emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive towards me and I can see this switching over to my daughter in time. However, UNTIL he hurts her, the court won't do anything about it. Its a sad thing to hear.

You have to decide where you want to be in the next couple months, and what you want your 5 year goal to be. You also need to look ahead and decide whether growing up with your husband's influence will be beneficial to your children in the long run, or if it will just hurt them. After you've decided that, then you can go ahead and address the custody issue with a plan already set in place.


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