# Devastated Husband. Wife Separated. Need Advice



## SHADOW86 (Nov 9, 2014)

Hi, new to this forum and am in need of some advice, so here goes.

My wife recently separated from me 1 month ago (5 OCT) and thinks divorce is inevitable. She is currently living with a guy friend until she “gets on her feet” and I am still in our old house. 

My wife and I met in March ‘11 and married in March ‘12. I am in the Army and we were both in failing marriages when we first met each other. I understand we didn’t meet under the greatest circumstances, but sometimes you just cant help how you meet. We hit it off right away and married 1 year later. Our first year of marriage, I was in Afghanistan and we didn’t have too many issues.

I came home from Afghanistan in OCT ’12 and shortly after, things started going south. We were stationed in Alaska, and when we went home for Christmas, our house flooded with 4ft of water because the pipes burst- I being an idiot left the heater off in the dead of winter. Rather than stay home and help my wife take care of the house, I left for Army Ranger School 3 days after this happened because of the immense pressure at work for everyone to be “Ranger Qualified.” Although I ended up coming home 1week after starting Ranger School because mentally I was not there, and wanted to come home to help my wife sort through everything, I had ultimately already showed my wife that work was more important than her by leaving in the first place. 

For the next year, I did not handle the stress at work well at all. I would leave for work at 530am and come home between 830-9pm literally every night, was told I would not get promoted because of having not completed Ranger School, and just was treated lower than everyone else. I brought all these problems and stress from work to home, and my wife suffered for it. My wife did not work, did not go to school, and did not have many friends so everyday she would wait for me to come home. I know this is unhealthy, but we both chose to be overly dependent on each other for happiness, and did not have a life outside of each other. 

I would come home, and being stressed from work, would just not spend time with her or care about her. All the little things I used to do to win her over stopped. I would get angry, break things, throw a fit, and basically acted like a child and made her feel insignificant and worthless because when I got mad, everything in the house became MINE MINE MINE because I was the bread winner in the house- a real ******* wasn’t I? Nevertheless our marriage survived this year, and we ended up moving to Georgia. Our move to Georgia was fine, much less stress at work but everyday my focus was still on completing Ranger School, which I was to go to again 6 months after we came to Georgia. 

When I left for Ranger School this time, I was gone for 90days and had little to no communication with my wife (not by choice, school is designed this way). While I was gone, once again, my wife did not have a job, school, or friends to talk to, so she was cooped up in the house for 90days with nothing to do but think about everything that went wrong, and miss me for 90 days, not knowing when I would come home. 

The day I graduated this school, was the day she told me she was leaving me. She said “I love you but I’m not in love with you, that she is tired of supporting someone who treats her like crap, and that she needs to go out and find herself again.” She says she is so tired of feeling alone and that love isn’t enough to keep her here. 

She left 2 weeks after I came home. I understand my faults, have had ample time to think about things since she’s been gone and while I was away at school but she does not want to give me the opportunity to change. 

She came home for a couple days recently to grab some things and we actually were able to hangout and she made it a point to tell me that she actually had good time while she was here and that it was nice to just laugh and talk again. There were a couple times I actually caught her staring at me and smiling for no reason while I was driving. She said we would continue to promise to trust each other and go from there- though she still doesn’t want to make the marriage work. 

The issue I am having is, she keeps saying she can only talk/text/see me in “small doses” right now, because she still gets angry about a lot of things, that she blames Ranger School for a lot of things that went wrong. I have been letting her reach out to me, and not trying to pursue her, but it seems like she only talks to me on HER TIME. She would text me, I would text her back, and then she doesn’t say anything back for hours. While she was here, we got to talk about a lot of things, and I got the chance to say a lot of things that I never had the opportunity to say to her and she cried a little and seemed to actually take things to heart. 

I guess I don’t understand why if we had a good time together, why is she still so…standoff-ish and our talking hasn’t increased, and she still takes forever to respond to text messages that she initiated? I don’t know what else to do…I know my faults, am more than willing to change them, and want this marriage to work more than anything. It really sucks to know that I caused the problems in this marriage, and that her love ran out while I was so self-centered and focused on myself…


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

First, thank you for your service. The military life is tough on people much less marriage. 

You have gotten the married equivalent of "let's just be friends". You can not talk your way out of this, you can't fix the problems on this one. As men we want to charge forward and fix what's wrong. It's not the case here. 

She's a woman. She communicates covertly. So when she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" she's sparing your feelings. Likely the stresses of you being away, she checked out long ago. Couple that with a short courting period, you maybe incompatible. 

So first step. Accept it may never happen again. Accept outcome independence, and that whatever happens, you're cool with it. Work on yourself first. I assume you fit as a ranger, get your house and finances in order too. Go find some buddies and do some guy things. (You're in Alaska! Holy shît my favorite place on earth, pm me for some awesome spots). Get a hobby. 

Give her what she wants, and initiate divorce proceedings. 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life Primer. These may resonate with you. See the thing is, there's always 2 broken people in a broken marriage. But you can only fix yourself. So that's what you have to do. Take 6 months, a year, whatever and become Awesome!!! Become centered around your purpose. A man who has a purpose, and serves only that purpose is very attractive. She may find you irresistible, but then you may find your better and move on. 

It'll get better.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I complete agree with the post above. You are not in a war or a battle right now. This is not something you can win. You can learn from it and do better in the future but you can not come out on top.

You soon to be ex, is not Army wife material and never will be. Try to be at peace with yourself, and not beat yourself up over the divorce and end it and NEVER speak to her again. Trust me on this! I was in the Army also, I know what I speak of.

Write back to us and tell us your thoughts. David


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## SHADOW86 (Nov 9, 2014)

First, thank you for your responses. I am actually surprised that people are on "my side," I kind of expected it the other way around. But to be honest, Im not looking for anyone to jump on board with either her or myself and I actually disagree with the comments made. My wife was an amazing wife the entire time we were living together, or even when I was in Afghanistan. Of course there are things she could have worked on, but for the most part, I was a happy camper. My wife NEVER wanted to do the Army again- as I mentioned her first husband was in the Army and she hated it. But you cant help who you fall in love with so she married me and unfortunately the Army came with it. The problems in our marriage was ME…my insecurities, and my inability to make my wife feel special anymore. In her words, "I broke her heart over and over again" and she got tired of waiting and being alone for someone that just didn't treat her right. I will admit again, that I act like a 4year old when I don't get what I want, and I throw things, break iPhones (don't do it, it gets expensive), and cut up her credit cards. I would basically attempt to control her and her life. Unfortunately for her, she let me do it and didn't say anything about it. 

The problem that you guys are saying "can't be fixed," is something that I think CAN be fixed. The problem was I was just an ******* who was self-centered, arrogant, and placed me and my work above my wife. I don't think the phrase "she married the Army when she married you" is valid, because wives don't choose to marry the Army. She chose to marry me and expected that although I have a rough job, I would treat her the same way as I did when we first met. I believe that while I was away at Ranger School, my wife had too much time to think about everything and like she said, "she reached her breaking point." 

My questions to you guys are really just…why does she make it a point to tell me that she had fun while she was here, why stare at me and smile when I'm driving…and then when she leaves, why does she not ever respond or reply via text message in any kind of timely manner??? 

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks!


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

I know exactly how u feel. I'm in the same situation. It takes time, you just have to be strong n know that being alone is a good thing. I know u don't wanna hear that, but trust me it'll get better. Don't beg, cry, text or call her. It'll only make it worst. Today would've been 3days of not talking to my husband. But what do u know? He shows up. But, of course I'm not gonna let him just come over n think that im a door mat. No no nooooo. If she wants separation, give it to her. I don't know your wife, but I hope things work for the both of you. Do u n make yourself happy. Reach out to family n friends���� I hope everything works out for the best!


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

My heart hurts for you n know what you're going through. People on here gives good advice, whether it's good or bad. Keep your head up!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

SHADOW86 said:


> First, thank you for your responses. I am actually surprised that people are on "my side," I kind of expected it the other way around. But to be honest, Im not looking for anyone to jump on board with either her or myself and I actually disagree with the comments made. My wife was an amazing wife the entire time we were living together, or even when I was in Afghanistan. Of course there are things she could have worked on, but for the most part, I was a happy camper. My wife NEVER wanted to do the Army again- as I mentioned her first husband was in the Army and she hated it. But you cant help who you fall in love with so she married me and unfortunately the Army came with it. The problems in our marriage was ME…my insecurities, and my inability to make my wife feel special anymore. In her words, "I broke her heart over and over again" and she got tired of waiting and being alone for someone that just didn't treat her right. I will admit again, that I act like a 4year old when I don't get what I want, and I throw things, break iPhones (don't do it, it gets expensive), and cut up her credit cards. I would basically attempt to control her and her life. Unfortunately for her, she let me do it and didn't say anything about it.
> 
> The problem that you guys are saying "can't be fixed," is something that I think CAN be fixed. The problem was I was just an ******* who was self-centered, arrogant, and placed me and my work above my wife. I don't think the phrase "she married the Army when she married you" is valid, because wives don't choose to marry the Army. She chose to marry me and expected that although I have a rough job, I would treat her the same way as I did when we first met. I believe that while I was away at Ranger School, my wife had too much time to think about everything and like she said, "she reached her breaking point."
> 
> ...



Because she's moved on. She thinks of you like a friend not a lover. You're an orbiter.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My first thought is she might be cheating on you. From a small sample size you describe, she may be the type to find another relationship before moving on the next. It is a possibility. Just ggoing on statistics alone, it is over 70 percent of service men and women. 

Another observation, you were emotionally abusive towards her. Seeing you is equating to pain. Compare to the times that were bad to the time you tried to be a better person, she can't trust you. 

Likely you took your frustrations out on your wife because you had poor coping habits. The reason we hurt the ones we love is because we trust them. 

If you did what you did at home, at work, you would be fired. 

My guess is that work wasn't going the way you wanted it to, and the only safe place to release your frustration is home. 

She is probably distancing herself because she is self preserving and protecting herself from further mental harm.

You have anger issues, and you should see a counselor to learn how to cope. 

Right now you can't focus on her because quite frankly, you need a lot of work yourself. Not to mention, you focus way too much on yourself, and career.

True, first priority should be you, but then you placed your job over her.

You took her for granted, and she has lost all trust in you. 

Also, she may be acting kind to you because she might be cheating. It would help lessen her guilt. This is only a theory. 

Looking back on the way you acted, she probably should hav filed for divorce. 

This is only guess work on my part of course. 

You may be fine right now, but you still don't have the tools you need to become more mentally fit. You have to outlet your stress in a positive manner. 

Take a look at your career too. See if you can handle the stress. 

Finally, if she is cheating, you want to find out. That may help your marriage, and if she isn't it sounds like she is checked out for good. But you never know. If you seek help, and she sees improvement, it may sway her back to you.


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## SHADOW86 (Nov 9, 2014)

So just an update that I am really curious on your guys thoughts. She called me last week Wednesday and got really emotional and crying on me and was just saying Thank You for everything that I am doing to help her get on her feet right now while we are going through this separation/divorce (no papers filed right now), whether its financial support, or being encouraging for her starting a new job, etc etc she just wanted to say Thank You. She said sometimes she feels like she doesn't deserve it, and she doesn't know why she is introverted sometimes and other times she wants to talk a lot more. She said she realizes its a one-way street right now where I am doing a lot for her and she is not really giving much back. 

Then Sunday night, right before she starts her new job on Monday, she calls again and is just stressed because she is starting a new job. Then yesterday and today, she texts me early in the morning before she leaves for work, calls me on the way to work, and then calls me right after work. We don't talk long, maybe 10-20minutes each time usually just about shallow, superficial stuff or her work.

I haven't really done anything drastically different, but I don't know why out of the blue she is calling me 4 out of the 6 days, including the past 3 days in a row? Seems extremely strange…

We rarely text now, seems to be a quick text in the morning when she's about to leave for work, and then just a phone call before and after work, not much in between. This is pretty out of the blue…your thoughts???


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

SHADOW86 said:


> So just an update that I am really curious on your guys thoughts. She called me last week Wednesday and got really emotional and crying on me and was just saying Thank You for everything that I am doing to help her get on her feet right now while we are going through this separation/divorce (no papers filed right now), whether its financial support, or being encouraging for her starting a new job, etc etc she just wanted to say Thank You. She said sometimes she feels like she doesn't deserve it, and she doesn't know why she is introverted sometimes and other times she wants to talk a lot more. She said she realizes its a one-way street right now where I am doing a lot for her and she is not really giving much back.
> 
> Then Sunday night, right before she starts her new job on Monday, she calls again and is just stressed because she is starting a new job. Then yesterday and today, she texts me early in the morning before she leaves for work, calls me on the way to work, and then calls me right after work. We don't talk long, maybe 10-20minutes each time usually just about shallow, superficial stuff or her work.
> 
> ...


Your providing emotional support that the OM isn't providing for her. This happens quite a bit in separations. When she needs something that you can provide she contacts you. She controls when it occurs, how often and for how long. 

As long as she "needs" something this will continue. You always answer the phone or text, she knows you are there waiting.


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## SHADOW86 (Nov 9, 2014)

Honcho- thanks for the response. Is this something to be viewed as a positive or a negative considering I obviously want to save this marriage. She assures me (take it for what its worth) that there is nothing going on between her and her guy roommate, but I know they communicate frequently throughout the day. 

I do agree though with your thoughts- she's kinda said as much, stuff like her roommate doesn't understand what she's going through etc etc.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

All you can do is to be your best and then don't settle for less than you deserve. Trust me that you deserve better than someone living with another man saying he's a friend. You mentioned not so great circumstances of how you guys met. Don't dismiss it so quickly. The thrill of infatuation with new love might be what drives your wife. Well you're not new any more but this guys she's staying with is. In other words, you deserve someone who wants to be with you. Anything less than that is emotional cancer.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If the other guy was her friend, he'd be providing her with emotional support.

Less decent guys are fantastic listeners if getting in a woman's pants is the reward.

Either the friend ain't much of a friend or he's already earned his prize and all that emo support it took to get it has become a hassle.

No way to be sure but best guess is - You weren't there. She got lonely. Turned to this guy. He 'supported' her into bed. Instantly began taking her for granted. So, she's back to you for her emo needs,, crying cuz she feels like she's swapped one mistake for another. Can't tell you it turned physical cuz you're the guy who gets mad and smashes things.

Pretty much, that's where you're at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She is getting the emotional support, and financial support that she would have gotten out of a marriage, but she is getting all she needs from not being in a committed relationship. Hate to break it to you, but she is using you, whether intentional or not.

Your training her to rely on you, and use you. Don't put too much stock into it, until you see her return and try and work things out. You should be working on yourself, and your focus is placed on her. How can you be a better man if you never find the underlying issues with yourself, and learn to cope with it? Are you seeking help for you?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

SHADOW86 said:


> Honcho- thanks for the response. Is this something to be viewed as a positive or a negative considering I obviously want to save this marriage. She assures me (take it for what its worth) that there is nothing going on between her and her guy roommate, but I know they communicate frequently throughout the day.
> 
> I do agree though with your thoughts- she's kinda said as much, stuff like her roommate doesn't understand what she's going through etc etc.


 will sound like the cynical one but there is more going on than roommates and your gut is probably telling you that already. 

She is slowly detaching from you. All communication is controlled and dictated by her. You have basically put all your wants and needs on hold. The two of you aren't really working on the marriage at all. Just her wants/needs when she wants it. 

Your emotional heart is telling you this is a good thing because she still "needs" you yet its not good because your not really working or fixing anything. She is stringing you along to a point and your hanging around waiting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It really sounds like she is getting "it" from another man and everything else from you.

Happens all the time and when your woman is letting another man "in" she sure as hell won't tell you.

She still needs you to support her like a daddy. She chose this but you are not going to see straight because you love her.

Yeah, I hope for a happy ending for you but it won't happen until you both wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I don't give a crap about the other guy what ever that means. 

She's treating you like an emotional tampon. She's either all in or she's out. Don't let her abuse your goodwill. Wives get emotional support. Ex wives don't.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Don't sell yourself short Shadow. Many women don't have what it takes to be a military wife. You're putting your life at risk so the least you should accept is a woman who is strong enough to be loyal when you're deployed.

She's wasn't the angel you put on a pedestal and she's not the victim now either.


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## SHADOW86 (Nov 9, 2014)

So this story just keeps unfolding.

She's called me 6 days straight now, before work, after work, texting me good morning…Yesterday morning right when we got off the phone she said "I've missed talking to you." And she's telling me that she wants me to text her more often during the day when she's at work because she enjoys it. 

She calls me again during her lunch break and says something along the lines of…its a lot of change for her right now, with a new job, and thinking about me and her stuff…and I asked her what about me and her and she just said something like…well you're moving to Texas (Army PCS) and moving into the house that WE picked out and wanted to get together..so its just…an adjustment for her? 

Not really sure where she's going with this…this is the most we have talked in a long time, since she left 1 1/2 months ago…your thoughts?

-For those of you that are saying for me to work on myself, trust me, I am- seeing a therapist/counselor, working out still, everything else is fine so the majority of these updates are what she is saying and doing. Thanks again for your response


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Okay, what are you doing and why? Seriously, she left you, moved in with another man, divorce is happening and you engage her like an old friend? Stop it.

Everything that she says involves her taking from you. She likes your monetary support, she likes your emotional support, she likes all of the stuff that you giver her, but she does not want you, AND STILL, you play her game and wonder, what is going on?! Stop it.

I am not advocating being mean, I am just saying, stop this. Let me illustrate: Consider she was your landlord and one day she evicted you. Just tossed you out and said that she was sick of you. Thereafter, she called and asked you to pay rent, cut the grass and talk to her, BUT another tenant was in the house. Would you do it? Well, you are doing it now. Stop it.

If you want this woman back, she's gotta know that you are not a part time money machine. If you want her gone, and you should, then the first step is to stop engaging. 

It does not matter where she is going with this. It does not matter what her thoughts are.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

The only way to get her back....if you really want her...Is to stop all the support. Its goning to be hard. You will feel wrong....but if you don;t stop being her friend...she WILL NOT BE BACK.

Women have girlfriends and boyfriends...if you aren't sleeping with her...you are a girlfriend...This coddling is keeping her from seeing you as a mate. You really need to understand this. 

Be polite, be respectful, but stop being her girlfriend.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's a game of cat and mouse and predictable. If you're not careful, you'll be back together in a euphoric state of hysterical bonding. Life will seem all better, you'll have more sex, she'll be more into you but it's an illusion. Matter of fact, hysterical bonding is a rug sweeping machine. I don't think you should ever take her back or ever trust her. Reconciliation would almost certainly be false. 

Her changing her mind now that the grass is becoming less green is not remorse. It's just her still having plan-a and plan-b and flip flopping on which one is plan-a.


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