# need some opinions



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Okay I need to tell my grown sons 22 and 20 that my husband and I are separating. They do know that things are not great between us. My husband is having an affair that has been going on probably for 6 months to a year, not really sure. It's someone he works with and someone our boys know....my husband wants me to make sure they know that he was under the mindset that our marriage was over and that this is why he pursued this relationship. I am with the belief that you end the marriage first before you enter into a new one, respect for me and my kids. i want to tell them the truth and I don't want them to hear from anyone else, i want to be completely upfront.
I need some experiences of this situation so I can think it out and figure out how I will handle it, they live in another city so I was thinking I'll get a room somewhere so we have privacy and that way I can be around for them for any questions they might have....
looking forward to some imput.......thanks for any help


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Yes I feel for you, I have to tell my 6 and 4 year old, sorry no advice. I will not mention OW to my kids, because they do not know about things like that etc, and will not meet her for another 3 months or so. But with grown up kids, you can not really lie, because they will find out. So the truth is what will have to come out. OOOHHHH do not look forward to your conversation. as I do not look forward to mine. We are doing it this week-end on a camping trip.
good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The truth is seldom a sterile thing. The fundamental truth is that you and your husband are either trying to work things out, or you are divorcing. It isn't clear in your post. If the outcome isn't clear, then it's fine to let them know that too.

Just recognize that how you paint the truth is likely going to be very different than how your husband paints it - and each of you believes that your representation is the correct one. Is it important for you to out him? If so, why? Do what you need to do, but I would suggest that the truth behind why your marriage failed, is also larger than the affair itself. 

My marriage was definitely over prior to my wife pursuing another relationship. We also separated under the auspices of 'working it out'. That didn't happen. 

My youngest brother is the product of an affair. As a result my parents divorced (badly), and she eventually married TOM. He is now 28 - and has no idea of what the circumstances were around how we became a family, nor does he need to know. Bottom line, my parents marriage was miserable. My marriage had become miserable. They ended. The affair certainly wasn't my brother's fault. All of his older siblings know the truth - but the truth doesn't do anybody any good. My children are very young, so our circumstances are different. But, I cannot imagine ever telling them that their mother cheated on me, unless I wanted to hurt her and them.

If you're discovery is relatively new, I imagine that the feelings of hurt and betrayal are still pretty raw. Just be honest with yourself about what you want out of giving them the truth, or the possible results of the truth. If you tell them that you were completely blind-sided, and your husband tells them that the marriage was loveless and he felt abandoned, they may feel sad for both of you. I know I did when my parents told me. 

These circumstances suck. And the tragic truth is, the circumstances happen all of the time. Sadly, it's common. Odds are one of your sons will find themselves in similar circumstances one day, either as the betrayor, or the betrayed. Perspective is the important thing regardless of what details you choose to share with them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think you need to tell them about the OW. Could be wrong, but it sounds like you are just wanting to look better than your spouse. Often - when we do that - we end up looking worse for pointing fingers.

Don't sink to his level. Act with integrity and don't turn this into a pi$$ing match.

Give them time and I bet they'll figure it out on their own.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I agree with Niceguy, your sons are grown, so eventually they will figure out the truth regardless of what you and your ex do or do not say.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

thanks for the advice 
I think I'm just going to tell them the marriage is over and I guess if my husband brings the OW into their lives then they will have questions and he and them will work it out......If she is in the picture don't want to making uncomfortable for the boys....


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