# etiquette question



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

This isn't earth shattering or a fight, I'm just curious how others were raised.
My H attended a funeral 1000 miles away for his stepmom. I have met her on occasion and had many conversations on the phone with her. I hadn't had opportunity to meet many of her extended family. I did not attend the funeral due to costs.
While there, my H met up with extended family (step relatives) and they all were from out of town and bunked at same house.
Today in the mail, one of these 'extended' relatives (a single woman a few years younger than my H) sends a sympathy card addressed to him only.
The way I was raised, such a card would be addressed to H and family. As I said, not a huge deal and given circumstances, could be an oversight, but the way I was raised, a single woman mailing a card to the man only is a little inappropriate. Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Deliberately sending an acknowledgement card for any kind of life event to one "half" of a couple is generally inappropriate. 

However, we have to remember that the reason for etiquette is to make others comfortable. And in the case of what I like to call "one-shot wonder" relatives---you know, you're related, but you meet them at one family event and then it's another 20 years before you both end up at the same event again--I'd assume that she was simply trying to do the right thing and sent the card to the family member that she met while she was there.

Just along similar lines--if you think it's a little inappropriate for a single woman to only include the married man on the sympathy card, I can SO beat that! When my grandmother died, I was sending out thank you cards for the flowers and donations, sending some of the relatives the newspaper clippings, all that stuff. Apparently the address book I had was a bit out of date....I sent a note to some great grand uncle and his DEAD wife. 

He'd been remarried for about 5 years when Grandma passed away.

My intentions were good, but not really knowing that part of the family well, I had no idea, especially while things were so upsetting and hectic. I WISH I'd left the wife off entirely, lol.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I find it very very odd that she was at the funeral with him and sent him a card after. Strange.

I also believe it was wrong of her to address it only to him.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I also think it was inappropriate. When someone dies I either send a small plant to the service (with card from florist) or a card to the family (at the deceased person's address). I never send out cards to individual family members. I'm afraid I'll "miss" someone and cause hard feelings.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If she was an entended member of the family and did not keep in touch with him in any way prior to the funeral, and had a chance to offer her condolences in person, there would be no need to send him a card. 

If she did not also send him cards at the birth of children, marriage, or other significant events including major holidays, I would consider this a sort of weird and perverted way of stalking. Especially if there was a note or a return address or anything with a phone number or email address.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In some parts of the country, and some families, it is considered rude not to send a card, even if the condolences were offered face to face. When one person travels long distances alone to the wake or funeral, it is implied that they represent the family, and the card goes to the family. 

I had checked because I live in a new region, and a former employee passed in another state. I attended the wake and the funeral, and delivered part of the eulogy at his request (he knew that his medical problem was terminal), so we weren't sure about sending a card. Where we were from, it was customary to send a card anyway, and everything we found suggested that we should. The employees wife sent me a letter of thanks, and addressed it to the family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't see anything wrong with it, whether she is single, married or widowed. Also, the fact you didn't go also maybe made her more likely to address to the card to only him. Also the fact it was his family member that passed and not yours may have had something to do with it.

It's a sympathy card. 

Now if she had sent him a randy card and invitation to sex and/or something inappropriate, then that would be different.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> In some parts of the country, and some families, it is considered rude not to send a card, even if the condolences were offered face to face. When one person travels long distances alone to the wake or funeral, it is implied that they represent the family, and the card goes to the family.
> 
> I had checked because I live in a new region, and a former employee passed in another state. I attended the wake and the funeral, and delivered part of the eulogy at his request (he knew that his medical problem was terminal), so we weren't sure about sending a card. Where we were from, it was customary to send a card anyway, and everything we found suggested that we should. The employees wife sent me a letter of thanks, and addressed it to the family.


^^^^This. 

You send a card for something like a funeral or a holiday you address it to the whole family. 
Mr.and Mrs.Jones and Family

It isn't uncommon to receive a sympathy card or small plant after the funeral. But it is bad manners to single out one member of the family in the card or in the card attached to the gift.

But, some people just don't know any better. This country gets more and more ignorant of good manners everyday so it doesn't surprise me this person didn't know any better.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't see anything wrong with it, whether she is single, married or widowed. Also, the fact you didn't go also maybe made her more likely to address to the card to only him. Also the fact it was his family member that passed and not yours may have had something to do with it.
> 
> It's a sympathy card.
> 
> Now if she had sent him a randy card and invitation to sex and/or something inappropriate, then that would be different.


Like I said, not a huge fight, it just struck me as kind of odd. MIL is my family too, I believe. The card came from the woman's niece to the woman's stepson (my H). He travelled 1000 miles to go, she travelled 700.
TBH, I don't know if it would have struck me as so odd had card come from a male.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Like I said, not a huge fight, it just struck me as kind of odd. MIL is my family too, I believe. The card came from the woman's niece to the woman's stepson (my H). He travelled 1000 miles to go, she travelled 700.
> TBH, I don't know if it would have struck me as so odd had card come from a male.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So then she's a close enough relative to know that he's married, etc.? 

Maybe that's a strange question, but I had one grandmother that was one of 13 children and a grandfather whose father moved halfway across the country and had an entire "second family". Even these following generations seem to keep having a bunch of kids--at least 3 or 4 each. So for us, there really are many relatives that we just have that kind of gap in knowledge about, which was my assumption about the card too.

The other thought I had, (and it may be that I'm just corny and sentimental sometimes), but was it just a card or something more? Not suggestive, but I often send individual family members a condolence card if I have some special memory of the person. I recently sent a cousin a card like that after his father died. Normally I wouldn't have sent he himself anything, but he's quite a bit younger than me and I thought it would be nice to share some of the memories I had of how great his dad had been about playing with all of us kids when we were all little. I think he's married, or in a relationship or something, but mostly I just wanted to send the card out while I was thinking about it, so I jotted it off and mailed it--that's more the motivation I generally ascribe for times like this, you know?


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't see anything wrong with it, whether she is single, married or widowed. Also, the fact you didn't go also maybe made her more likely to address to the card to only him. *Also the fact it was his family member that passed and not yours may have had something to do with it.*
> 
> It's a sympathy card.
> 
> Now if she had sent him a randy card and invitation to sex and/or something inappropriate, then that would be different.


Right or wrong etiquette, I received several cards addressed only to me when my mom died.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When my own relative died, I got many cards addressed only to me saying how sorry they were for my loss, not addressed to me & hubby.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> When my own relative died, I got many cards addressed only to me saying how sorry they were for my loss, not addressed to me & hubby.


That's true. Now if Christmas card comes to just him - then I'll be P!SSED lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Sounds like you may have a trust issue with husband. I wouldn't have noticed myself that the card was only for him.

It was his relative, and he was by himself, so she sent him the card.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

4sure said:


> Sounds like you may have a trust issue with husband. I wouldn't have noticed myself that the card was only for him.
> 
> It was his relative, and he was by himself, so she sent him the card.


It's not a trust issue - we have a list of issues longer than my arm but that's the only one not on list.
Lol. I guess I found it odd for few reasons. On one hand she isn't a relative truly (niece of step mother), it's not like they were close (he's never met her before and through a weird family history, only met stepmom maybe 10 times in his life in person). They were both at funeral so to mail a card a month later when they were both at funeral also seems odd. And also, it seems strange like me sending my brother a card on the loss of his (my) mother - you know? It just seemed weird and the first thing I thought was the way I was raised, the card (had I sent it) would have been addressed to H and family. Losing her affected our whole family, she was my kids step-grandma.
We're over it without any stress, it struck me as just weird that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

why dont you send her a thank you card?.... just in case.


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