# living in hell



## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

need help here
me and my wife haven't even been married for a year yet and last Saturday i had a gut feeling something wasn't right so i checked her phone and she was hiding a guys number under a girls name and they have been talking EA i guess so i blew up on her and she left and hasn't been home since then she took our 2 kids and left
BTW she blames me for it .we have been talking on the regular and she tells my sister that we are reconciling but she is still at her moms and hasn't ever told me that she wants to work on our relationship just that we need to work on our selves.
the other guy still calls even thou she said it isn't like that.
i can see my daughter wants to come home which i visit daily my son could careless.
he is only 3 my daughter is 8
but anyway we have been together for 9 years had good times and bad
we havent had sex in a few weeks something is going on with my body getting it checked out on monday


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. It's tough, I know. 

When you say that you blew up on her, what do you mean? Did you yell? Did you break things? Hit her? Scare her? Please describe what you mean by blowing up.



radron1977 said:


> we have been talking on the reg


What do you mean by “talkig on the reg”? what’s a “reg”?

If you want to try to fix your marriage, you need to tell her what you require from her. 

You need to tell her that you want to try to reconcile with her and fix things. To do this you need for her to end all contact with this guy. Then she can come home. 

It would really help you to get the book “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley. It’s a quick read. The books lays out a good plan on how to get your relationship back on track, what to require from both your wife and yourself to fix things.


radron1977 said:


> we havent had sex it a few weeks something is going on with my body getting it checked out on monday


What’s wrong with your body?


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

i don't believe in hitting and i never would i would walk away if i ever felt it coming 
i asked her if there was something going on clam voice and she admitted it and i couldn't handle it got caught up and lost it 
i started yelling and she was crying
regular sorry for abbreviation 
she said i scared her and she told me i needed to trust her decisions and its not like that (her words)
we both have hp v i have app with a therapist today cause i was strong in the beginning but its starting to sink in now


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very difficult to make sense of what exactly is happening because you're writing as if you're sending a text message.

Text speak works for quick messages but it doesn't work for complicated issues such as what you're going through.

I suggest you write your post again using punctuation at the very least! It helps to know when one thought ends and another begins.

Here's what I understand so far.

Your wife has been in contact with another man via her cell phone. She disguised his name by giving him a woman's name. This way you thought it was a woman she had been in contact with. When you discovered it was actually a man, you reacted badly. (Here is where you need to elaborate better. What do you mean when you say "you lost it?")

She left and went to her mothers house where she has been ever since. She took both of your children as well. You daughter wants to come home but your son is too young to understand.

You aren't sure if she want to work on the marriage or not since she is sending mixed signals. She tells other people that you two are working things out but she doesn't act that way to you. You two do speak to each other regularly, but you don't feel that the marital issues are actually being worked on.

You both have HPV and you seem to be having some symptoms? I am very unclear on this part and even more unclear if this plays a role in your marital difficulty or not.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

radron1977 said:


> need help here
> me and my wife haven't even been married for a year yet and last Saturday i had a gut feeling something wasn't right so i checked her phone and she was hiding a guys number under a girls name and they have been talking EA i guess so i blew up on her and she left and hasn't been home since then she took our 2 kids and left.BTW she blames me for it .we have been talking on the reg and she tells my sister that we are reconciling but she is still at her moms and hasn't ever told me that she wants to work on or relationship just that we need to work on our selves.the other guy still calls even thou she said it isn't like that.
> i can see my daughter wants to come home which i visit daily my son could careless.he is only 3 my daughter is 8
> but anyway we have been together for 9 years had good times and bad
> we havent had sex it a few weeks something is going on with my body getting it checked out on monday


Very hard to understand. But from what I gather, she blames YOU for HER affair and wants to reconcile by working on yourselves first? 

All sounds like bullsh1t to me, the only "work" she wants is the kind of work the OM does on her. Do a 180.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

update since last night 
when i got off work i picked my kids up and took them to the park for a while just me and them dropped them off and left she was sleeping (yea sure)
i didn't have no contact with her or the kids last night over the phone cause this is starting to set in
but i did call at 1230am to say i was sorry and that i needed an answer what is up with us
so she called me today *****ing cause i called at 1230 and i didn't speak to the kids,she said i do deserve that but we need to work on ourselves she wants the kids and her to be happy and i don't fully understand how i hurt her and i only want to work on us when she is gone
and that i bought past women flowers (ex`s) 
so when i got off work i stop at a flower shop and bought a single red rose for her and took it to her work thought i would prove to her i was serious told her i was sorry and happy mothers day and left.
had appointment with a therapist and i broke down yea cried like a baby, she called during but i didn't answer cried all the way home.
she called me being nasty to me when i was hurting and asked why you crying so i told her i couldn't talk to her right now and hung up.
i called her back 30 min later and i started again from her saying that she don't have to talk to me.
so i am here now writing this and she is out her girlfriends house 
how do you do the 180 with kids involved


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do the 180 by only talking to her about the kids.

When she asks how you are, you tell her that you are doing just fine. 
Every time she tries to bring up emotional stuff, repeat to her. "If you want to talk about this, let’s set up an appointment to start marriage counseling."

If she presses you to talk to her, tell her “Now is not the time.”

Do you have your children stay with you sometimes? You need to be doing this.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

kids gonna stay tomorrow night with me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any family or friends who you can hang out with and talk to? You really need a support system through this.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

yea been sister and uncle but 180 says not to
side note she has a cell phone which is in my name service i asked her about the bill and she said turn it off ill buy a phone
i really don't want to since ill have to pay for it anyway 
and if anyone knows a good free hotline
any suggestions


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Is she older than you?

Look up the 180 in the forum stickies. See a lawyer. File for divorce. Separate your finances and don't give her another cent until your lawyer says to do so.

Crying won't win her back. Giving her flowers won't win her back. I would not have apologized for yelling, either. Yelling was not the ideal response, but really, let's get a bit of perspective; she's almost definitely banging another man. 

You need to be strong. Strong means being decisive and not looking for her to call all the shots, take you back, accept your apology, etc. 

On the bright side, if you do what we recommend, this could be a turning point in your life as far as how you deal with relationships. Tough love time, dude. And from now on, when you're feeling lousy, do something physical, like chin-ups, jogging, push-ups, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

radron1977 said:


> yea been sister and uncle but 180 says not to
> side note she has a cell phone which is in my name service i asked her about the bill and she said turn it off ill buy a phone
> i really don't want to since ill have to pay for it anyway
> and if anyone knows a good free hotline
> any suggestions


Yes the 180 says to not ask for help from family members. Do your sister and uncle know anything about what's going on?

But I think that we all need support during hard times. Maybe if you pick one person who you can trust it would be good. Or you if you see your counselor on a regular basis that might work. 

Do you have much of a social life otherwise? 

Why would you need to pay for a phone if she got a new one? If she wants to be separated then she needs to start supporting herself. That's how it works.

What kind of hotline are you looking for? Do you mean for someone to talk to about this?


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

yea
i was doing the love dare but i dont know 
and do i change my locks on my house cause i really dont know what she will do


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Cheaters should be publciy tarred and feathered. ( Thanks for that Lynn) Your wonderful wife is deflecting. She has an excuse because you got mad and now she is cleverly blaming you. Unless you hit her. I personally think yelling is a normal reaction to something as devasting as this. Cheaters are notoriously good at blaming there spouse for something they did wrong please don't buy it. I can almost predict how this will go. 
You need to read this now and start a 180. Stop crying. Being weak, bringing her flowers and giving in to her lies and cover ups will only steer her away. You look her right in the eyes and tell her you dont buy her bs and if she wants to fix this now she needs to take action. Give her three days if you don't get a response go file. 
Your only shot is a 180. Life is going to be hard for awhile. It will get better but save your tears for your family or us. Do not show tears to her or she is as good as gone. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Was it clear there was an EA going on?? Where there: love you's, Ill see you later, miss you's, naked pictures etc.? 

Did you hit her?


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

she is younger i am 36 she is 29


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are some crisis hotlines. I don't now anything about them.. just googled 'crisis hotline'

CTL Hotline | Crisis Text Line

HopeLine is... | Hopeline

Crisis Services | 24-Hour Help Hotline


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should talk to a lawyer ASAP, and find out your rights and obligations. 

C


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

radron1977 said:


> do i change my locks on my house cause i really dont know what she will do


This is not your first priority. Your first priority is to take a bunch of deep breaths, find someone to talk to, and go and do something physical to help your body deal with the stress.

Then, come back and read the 180, as posted above. You have the time to do this. Don't worry about talking to her tonight. This situation can work out for the best, but it won't work out for the best in one evening with you stressing about it. Let that expectation go. Have no expectations. Be in the present. Be in the now and find something to focus on to take your mind off everything else.

You said you're doing the love dare. So, while you do something else, pray. But, you know what? Don't pray about your situation more than just briefly. Pray blessing on others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

radron1977 said:


> yea
> i was doing the love dare but i dont know
> 
> and do i change my locks on my house cause i really dont know what she will do


Changing the locks is an issue. You can try it if you want more security that she will not barge in on your life until you are ready (if you ever are) to let her back into your life.

Legally the house is her legal residence so she has a right to go there any time. Of course the longer she stays away, the stronger case you have to say that she has permanently moved. If you want to establish that she has permanently moved, then send any mail in her name back to the sender or forward it to her mother's house. That way she's not getting any mail at the house you live in. Where she gets her mail makes a difference.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

well the night it happened i checked the phone i stayed up till Saturday morning
she came down looking for her phone i had it and asked her it there was something we need to talk about and she replied no
so i asked whom this person was and she told me then i freaked out yelling and she was crying asking why do i care now
i admit i am not perfect and make my share of mistakes but i think cheating is so wrong 
she telling me she wants our kids to be happy they wasn't happy in our home


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

she don't have a new phone its my line i am still stuck with the line
so should i shut it off thru sprint she use to pay half the bill 
wow she even unmarried me on facebook


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gonnabealright said:


> Cheaters should be publciy tarred and feathered. ( Thanks for that Lynn) Your wonderful wife is deflecting. She has an excuse because you got mad and now she is cleverly blaming you. Unless you hit her. I personally think yelling is a normal reaction to something as devasting as this. Cheaters are notoriously good at blaming there spouse for something they did wrong please don't buy it. I can almost predict how this will go.
> You need to read this now and start a 180. Stop crying. Being weak, bringing her flowers and giving in to her lies and cover ups will only steer her away. You look her right in the eyes and tell her you dont buy her bs and if she wants to fix this now she needs to take action. Give her three days if you don't get a response go file.
> Your only shot is a 180. Life is going to be hard for awhile. It will get better but save your tears for your family or us. Do not show tears to her or she is as good as gone.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I reposting this so that you read it again.

Do what this guy says. 

Tell her that you are giving her 3 days.

If she does not contact you to fix things in 3 days…. On the 4th day turn off her phone and go see a lawyer and file for divorce.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

i am gonna stick to the 180 she called tonight for me to talk to the kids and i told her i was keeping the tomorrow night
i came to this conclusion of what i am gonna do
i cant be on the roller coaster so i am gonna be civil for the next week and after that i am gonna tell her the 3 day to figure it out or its done


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you have a plan. Stick to it.

Post here often if you need the support to stay on the plan. I know that this is hard. I've been through it. You are only one week into this, right? At one week in after D-day I could not function at all. I was just sitting at home alone, could not go to work. I was a mess. 

I think you are doing better than I was at this point. I wish I had found a place like this form back then.

Talk to your sister if you need someone in real life. I think that if you pick just one person for support it's not breaking the 180.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

day 7 from D-day she text me this morning asking how i was and i said fine
she said good
was doing good all day and kept busy 
felt it coming but i held it back still doing good check back later


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

had a great day today felt a little down at first but i picked up
picked my kids up and had dinner at my sisters house she has kids too
let wife tell kids good nite and i asked her schedule for next week so i can schedule marriage council then i broke down and text her 
i know i broke the 180 but somehow i feel different confident ever that i can handle her responses
text reads 
do u feel angry still toward me. me
not really lately just sad. her 
me either i feel i can talk to you. me
do you want to talk. me
this is the first step i guess,i took some sleep aid so if i fall asleep i`m not ignoring you. her
i will tty later i haven't`t been able to sleep and i`m sleep now. her
ok. me

i know let me have it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Na,

I'm not going to let you have it.

The deal about the 180 is that when you do talk/text/whatever you do not get all emotional, beg, or yell, etc. You did well. It was calm and collected.

I guess you have your kids tonight? Just keep going like you are. You're doing well under the circumstances.


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

well had a good night with the kids 
woke up still feeling pretty confident that i can talk to her
after breakfast gonna take the kids so they can buy her something for mothers day
ill check back in later for update


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

well we talked as the kids played
i admit i am not the perfect husband or father but i try
i looked her in her eyes and said i was so sorry not for her but for myself
she started crying and we talked more and more and i can see the hurt ive caused
but i am not taking full blame here she isn't perfect either were human
i have found peace with myself 
we half way hugged i hugged her both arms her one arm 
i held her hand tight but she wouldn't she was so cold in that aspect
but i guess its a start


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it's a start. 

One day at a time....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So was she insinuating that you did things for exes you didn't do for her? That's what I got from the flowers comment. What do you think you should've done differently to be a better husband? Not trying to blame you for her affair, just trying to get a better feel for the state of the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## radron1977 (May 7, 2014)

i could have been more caring and sensitive to her needs but i wasn't
we would argue over money and the kids it really was unhealthy
i have learned in the past few days of my selfish ways
i know i can do better as a father and husband but i just lost sight what was important
i don`t really know if she see`s a difference in me but i am gonna better myself for me and my children 
i have accepted what i have done and i asked to forgive me
i feel so helpless in trying to fix it i am afraid i have lost her cause of my selfishness
and when she going in the car she wasn't wearing her wedding ring that was really hard to bear


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