# An extreme suggestion for spouses needing intimacy.



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

*Do not orgasm every time you have sex.*

I was going to write a long initial post but there really isn't much to explain here. I'll answer any questions you may have, as I have thought this issue out pretty well. 

If your spouse feels you want sex too much, feels "used," and thinks you are using the concept of intimacy as a way to have sex more, then simply make love to your spouse without having an orgasm. This makes it pretty hard for your spouse to feel used.

I am not talking about a challenge or a mission to make a point. I am talking about a lifestyle. If you want your spouse to open their minds and accept that it isn't about sex, but about the feelings you get through connecting, then be honest with yourself and embrace those feelings.

For me, the orgasm is the worst part of sex because it means my connection is over. I get why it's special. I understand that my instincts makes me drive to orgasm, it's why I exist. However, I am not trying to impregnate my wife anymore. I really do not have intentions to use her for physical pleasure. And my goal really is to have this connection and feel loved. I am unsure if it has to do with feeling safe and loved being inside a woman (they say men love to suck on breasts because of instincts with feeling safe from being breast-fed) or knowing I am a good enough person that she opens herself up to me and allows me to explore her body. Either way, I enjoy the intimacy much more than the physical pleasure of an orgasm.

Does that mean do not orgasm ever? Usually spouses that have low intimacy feelings want you to orgasm as soon as humanly possible. The sooner you orgasm, the sooner it's over. More reason to rethink why you orgasm and what message it sends.

I get that some men or women, low or high intimacy, would not be happy unless they had an orgasm during sex. A lot of women do not get orgasms through penetration and truly enjoy the intimacy of sex, but feel used because their spouses always have to have the physical pleasure no matter what. This creates resentment.... 

Let me stop. Any comments, suggestions, or questions are welcome. I think this sends a good message to a spouse that has told you they feel "used" by you and like a piece of meat just there to please you. Hard to argue any of that when you aren't orgasming.


***Edited. This suggestion is not for a person to never orgasm again, or never to orgasm during sex. This suggestion is for certain experiences not to end in orgasm just because you penetrate. Have sex for the emotional and intimacy reasons you say you enjoy sex for. If you do not have these emotional or do not feel sex is intimate without an orgasm, then this suggestion is not for you.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

For the record, although every relationship has it's own variables, I'd consider myself a "success story" when it comes to dealing with a spouse who had low intimacy issues, or as referred to on TAM, low drive issues.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I enjoy it. It builds up for the experiences that do end in a orgasm. It makes them special, and not just /endgame.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Coldie said:


> If your spouse feels you want sex too much, feels "used," and thinks you are using the concept of intimacy as a way to have sex more, then simply make love to your spouse without having an orgasm. This makes it pretty hard for your spouse to feel used.


It also makes it easy for them to think you're losing interest in them because they don't even get you off any more, and add that to their list of reasons why not to.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh no, definitely not never. lol.

It wouldn't matter if you suggested never, your spouse will ask you to orgasm. This will spark the conversation on why she/he wants you to orgasm so much. Of course, they will find reasons why it's intimate and special, and they want to feel you orgasm or see the pleasure they give you.

In other words, the low intimacy spouse will answer their own question for you. Sex is intimate and special.

But different types of connections are never bad, and sex without trying to orgasm is extremely intimate.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> It also makes it easy for them to think you're losing interest in them because they don't even get you off any more, and add that to their list of reasons why not to.


In other words, they can lose interest and blatantly let you know by ignoring your intimacy needs, but you have to orgasm every time you get a chance to?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am going to try this.

Like you, orgasm to me is the worst part of the experience. Because it signals the end of the session (and is a bit messy). 

In the past, we have a session. Much touching and talking. A bit of penetration. I stop and give her oral. Once she orgasms I crawl up next to her and hug. She will then want me to penetrate her. I want to to, and it doesn't take much coaxing from her to get me to do so.

I am going to tell her I just want to hold her. Not sure what will happen next. Guessing she will put a bunch of effort into getting me turned on and wanting to finish. That will be fun in itself. Or she might be fine with me not doing it. Maybe that will lead to her wanting to be intimate again sooner. I hope so. 

I will let you know how it goes.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Coldie said:


> Oh no, definitely not never. lol.
> 
> It wouldn't matter if you suggested never, your spouse will ask you to orgasm. This will spark the conversation on why she/he wants you to orgasm so much. Of course, they will find reasons why it's intimate and special, and they want to feel you orgasm or see the pleasure they give you.
> 
> ...


Not quite sure I am understanding paragraphs 2 and 3?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Coldie said:


> In other words, they can lose interest and blatantly let you know by ignoring your intimacy needs, but you have to orgasm every time you get a chance to?


They know you want to do it, and if you're suddenly not giving the very obvious (if you are a guy) indication of enjoying it from start to 'finish', they'll wonder, yes. 

Do I have to? No, but why wouldn't I want to? I want them to too, by the way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you think it's such a great idea, try it for 3 - 6 months. Let us know how it works out.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> If you think it's such a great idea, try it for 3 - 6 months. Let us know how it works out.


I'm guessing he has. He mentioned that he feels he has been successful in fixing their HD/LD dynamic.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> They know you want to do it, and if you're suddenly not giving the very obvious (if you are a guy) indication of enjoying it from start to 'finish', they'll wonder, yes.
> 
> Do I have to? No, but why wouldn't I want to? I want them to too, by the way.


I am not saying don't orgasm during sex if you and your spouse just want to have sex. I am not saying do not orgasm if that is something you don't want to do. All I am saying is, if you have explained to your spouse that sex isn't just about sex to you, it's special and intimate, especially when she says you just want sex too much and she feels used (very commonly heard here on TAM). It's hard for her to "feel used" when you aren't orgasming. What are you using her for? Love?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am going to try this.
> 
> Like you, orgasm to me is the worst part of the experience. Because it signals the end of the session (and is a bit messy).
> 
> ...


SadSam, you are so open minded. Most of the weird extreme things I say on Tam, you seem to at least keep an open mind.

I think your past sessions is the perfect example of what I meant. You penetrate some, oral some, maybe even make her orgasm... but you edge yourself until later, if appropriate. It gives her a reason to feel loved and special, it gives you both a reason to be intimate later.

If your spouse already gets it's very intimate to you and asks for you to orgasm. I honestly would orgasm. There is no need to punish your spouse just to do it. My suggestion is for the spouse that just feels totally used.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If you think it's such a great idea, try it for 3 - 6 months. Let us know how it works out.


Ele, I have tried it. This morning she woke me up with oral sex, then after I became erect she slid on top of me and rode me for about 5 minutes. As I woke up, she kissed me on the forehead (I have morning breath) and said can we finish later.

I said, "Of course."

And tonight I may initiate, because she usually initiates in the morning. But she doesn't feel used, she knows I just want to be close to her, and she gets it. She likes the idea of not feeling used at every opportunity I get inside her.

But, to each his own. It is merely an extreme suggestion that absolutely worked / works for me.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Coldie said:


> I am not saying don't orgasm during sex if you and your spouse just want to have sex. I am not saying do not orgasm if that is something you don't want to do. All I am saying is, if you have explained to your spouse that sex isn't just about sex to you, it's special and intimate, especially when she says you just want sex too much and she feels used (very commonly heard here on TAM). It's hard for her to "feel used" when you aren't orgasming. What are you using her for? Love?


It just doesn't make sense to me. You and the spouse both know how sex works, they'll wonder why you're going through the motions like that.

Yes, sex with my SO is special and intimate, but I'm still a human being at the end of the day. If they feel used because something special and intimate also tends to end in an orgasm, I don't see how deliberately not having one will change anything.

You're saying it's all about wanting to show it's about intimacy too. Over in the nudity in bed thread people are saying how just snuggling up naked is very intimate... that's part of the overall experience for me (and I suspect a lot of people) is the physical touching together, skin on skin. I want to hold my SO after the act. If I (or they) got up and immediately left the room afterwards and DIDN'T COME BACK then I'd see a problem as something was missing.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Not quite sure I am understanding paragraphs 2 and 3?


I was replying to you thinking I meant, "Never orgasm during sex...ever." This suggestion I've made is for spouses that are dealing with a partner that feel used by sex. If you suggest you will not orgasm, chances are, your partner will not like this idea. Even if they do, they will use it as a way to build it up for later. If you were to ask them, "Why don't you like the idea of me orgasming?" They would probably say, "Because it's special, because only you can do it with me, because it makes me feel good about myself, because it makes me feel close to you." The reasons they give, will probably mirror the reasons you yourself ARE NOT USING THEM FOR SEX to begin with.

I've confused myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Coldie said:


> Ele, I have tried it. This morning she woke me up with oral sex, then after I became erect she slid on top of me and rode me for about 5 minutes. As I woke up, she kissed me on the forehead (I have morning breath) and said can we finish later.
> 
> I said, "Of course."
> 
> ...


So you did this once? Let's see how it works long term.

I think it's strange, but if it works for you then do it.

I guess it depends on her mind set. Since I don't feel used by sex I would not react the way your wife did. I would be more likely to pull away and wonder why my H was no longer about to go all the way. This is not a cure all for all people. What if it works for you.. .then it works for you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Buy a Ferrari and leave it in the garage


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> It just doesn't make sense to me. You and the spouse both know how sex works, they'll wonder why you're going through the motions like that.
> 
> Yes, sex with my SO is special and intimate, but I'm still a human being at the end of the day. If they feel used because something special and intimate also tends to end in an orgasm, I don't see how deliberately not having one will change anything.
> 
> You're saying it's all about wanting to show it's about intimacy too. Over in the nudity in bed thread people are saying how just snuggling up naked is very intimate... that's part of the overall experience for me (and I suspect a lot of people) is the physical touching together, skin on skin. I want to hold my SO after the act. If I (or they) got up and immediately left the room afterwards and DIDN'T COME BACK then I'd see a problem as something was missing.


A lot of women go through the motions, are human, and do not orgasm during penetration. In fact, only 30% of women can orgasm through the act of penetration. However, some of them still enjoy and love sex. Why? Because they are emotional and they understand why it's special. 

Maybe some don't understand and that is why they shut off and become detached. Maybe they do not orgasm from penetration and like you, they find it pointless to do if they cannot orgasm from it?

That's just a question.

However, as a man, reattach yourself to her by letting her know, you can enjoy sex strictly from an emotional standpoint without needing your physical release. Maybe this can help her feel less used. Maybe this will also help her understand sex isn't just about the physical release you get, while maybe she doesn't.

If your wife or spouse orgasms each time you have sex, this suggestion isn't for you. If you don't see why humans have sex without orgasming, then this suggestion isn't for you. I'd like to think I am not a mindless caveman or animal that has to ejaculate just because my hips move. But that may be an ego thing.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So you did this once? Let's see how it works long term.
> 
> I think it's strange, but if it works for you then do it.
> 
> I guess it depends on her mind set. Since I don't feel used by sex I would not react the way your wife did. I would be more likely to pull away and wonder why my H was no longer about to go all the way. This is not a cure all for all people. What if it works for you.. .then it works for you.


I'm unsure what you mean. I do not mean every time you have sex you do not orgasm. I will edit the first post if this is the interpretation of this suggestion.

I mean, just because you have sex doesn't mean you have to orgasm. Does this mean never orgasm? Nope. It just means, bond with your spouse and feel out the moment. 

I have been doing this for over 3 years now. We are sexually active twice a day. Maybe once a day I will not orgasm while we are intimate, maybe I will. It really depends on what she feels and if she wants that moment, or wants to wait until later. Since we know we will be intimate, there is no urgency or desperate need to just ejaculate at the first chance I get. I know later, I will get my release, when we both want it.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> Buy a Ferrari and leave it in the garage


Buy a Ferrari, and instead of driving it 150 MPH at every chance, sometimes I sit in the garage with it, admire it, wipe it down, sit inside it and rev it up, and yes, when the time is right, take it out on the road and hit 150 MPH.

But 65 MPH is good too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If providing reasonable, basic human needs for one's spouse makes them feel "used", they have no business anywhere near a marriage. Every one of us are free to live alone and be master of all we survey. If someone wants to be a sexless, loveless, emotionless zombie, they are welcome to be one. They don't have the right to drag someone else down with them. The answer is not for the functional to pretend to be dysfunctional but for the dysfunctional to get help or have the decency to get out of a role they agreed to but cannot or will not perform in.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> If providing reasonable, basic human needs for one's spouse makes them feel "used", they have no business anywhere near a marriage. Every one of us are free to live alone and be master of all we survey. If someone wants to be a sexless, loveless, emotionless zombie, they are welcome to be one. They don't have the right to drag someone else down with them. The answer is not for the functional to pretend to be dysfunctional but for the dysfunctional to get help or have the decency to get out of a role they agreed to but cannot or will not perform in.


I agree with this totally. 

Although I wouldn't just give up on my spouse because they feel used or do not understand what you seem to have already figured out (or naturally just knew). I'd try to make them understand. Hence, my extreme suggestion.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Coldie said:


> I have been doing this for over 3 years now. We are sexually active twice a day. Maybe once a day I will not orgasm while we are intimate, maybe I will. It really depends on what she feels and if she wants that moment, or wants to wait until later. Since we know we will be intimate, there is no urgency or desperate need to just ejaculate at the first chance I get. I know later, I will get my release, when we both want it.


Heck, if you're sexually active twice a day and only reach orgasm every other day, you are better off than more than 95% or more of the people here who are happy if they have sex once a week. I really don't think that postponing orgasms to the following week will do much towards solving their intimacy and sex problems, but that's just my take on it.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Heck, if you're sexually active twice a day and only reach orgasm every other day, you are better off than more than 95% or more of the people here who are happy if they have sex once a week. I really don't think that postponing orgasms to the following week will do much towards solving their intimacy and sex problems, but that's just my take on it.


AGREED.

My suggestion is extreme and I definitely do not have all the answers. I love the different comments I am getting, even if they do not agree. It's thought provoking and I like to think and discuss.

If your spouse understands it's not just a physical release, but an emotional need, maybe she will understand why this need needs to be met. 

But you are correct. I am looking at the issue through my eyes. When we started doing this, I was having sex maybe 3 times a week and I had to initiate. My wife felt used, felt she never had a chance to want sex because I wanted it too much, and didn't believe it was an emotional need. She told me she just felt like a sex doll sometimes. This broke my heart. She also, at the time, was not orgasmic through penetration. She could orgasm with stimulation with a hand or a toy during penetration, or oral sex, but not just pure penetration. The feeling she once got where sex was special, and even though she couldn't orgasm, she loved just being close to me. It eventually turned to, "I am having sex with him because its the "other day" in the week and he needs to orgasm." Not maliciously, but this is definitely how she felt. Sex became nothing but a way for me to masturbate and force her to be there while I did.

So I took out orgasms. I can orgasm on my own if I like. In fact, I have been orgasming long before a woman ever stepped into my life, and I can probably do it much better than they ever could. I didn't take it out permanently, but I took it out enough so that she wanted me to orgasm, just as much as I did. Why did she want me to orgasm? Because it was special. Because it gave her her family. Because it meant she did a good job. Because it meant I am satisfied with her. Because it makes her feel close to me. She wanted me to orgasm for all the reasons I told her I didn't NEED to orgasm and just wanted the intimacy of being inside her.

Complicated.

I will admit, if a person is only having sex once a week, or once every two weeks, I wouldn't suggest this. You have way bigger issues that your wife needing to understand she isn't being used.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Coldie said:


> Buy a Ferrari, and instead of driving it 150 MPH at every chance, sometimes I sit in the garage with it, admire it, wipe it down, sit inside it and rev it up, and yes, when the time is right, take it out on the road and hit 150 MPH.
> 
> But 65 MPH is good too.



I think you answered your own question. I'm reading it as you working it all day and this provides/builds anticipation for what is to come later that night. Orgasm. You stated your wife got your V12 engine going. You are at 65 MPH(no orgasm). But, you know that playing with the gas pedal and rowing to higher gears throughout the day you will achieve 150 MPH(orgasm). 

My wife and I cuddle every morning. It is intimate and very connecting. It is also getting our engines running. Sure, there is heavy petting but no orgasm. We spend the rest of he day playing with the pedal and rowing through the gears. When night comes the anticipation is very great....the sex/orgasm fantastic. It is entire day of intimacy w/o orgasm. 

Always, the end result for both of us is orgasm. Getting there without orgasm and intimate play is more than half the part of it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Building anticipation is one thing. Intimacy without ANY sexual play is something entirely different, and probably all most LD spouses will find acceptable. The problem many experience is partly about intimacy, but probably more about sex. If intimacy without sex can build greater desire for or at least acceptance of sex, then sure, this is a useful approach. But, I think it may simply satisfy most LD spouses without creating any additional desire for the sex the HD spouse craves.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Building anticipation is one thing. Intimacy without ANY sexual play is something entirely different, and probably all most LD spouses will find acceptable. The problem many experience is partly about intimacy, but probably more about sex. If intimacy without sex can build greater desire for or at least acceptance of sex, then sure, this is a useful approach. But, I think it may simply satisfy most LD spouses without creating any additional desire for the sex the HD spouse craves.


I am thinking it could be a fun experiment. 

Instead of me making love to her after she has an orgasm, I will lie next to her and hold her. Out of the ordinary for us! Maybe she will be fine with that. Maybe she will take it as a challenge and climb on top of me and rock my world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Coldie said:


> I'm unsure what you mean. I do not mean every time you have sex you do not orgasm. I will edit the first post if this is the interpretation of this suggestion.
> 
> I mean, just because you have sex doesn't mean you have to orgasm. Does this mean never orgasm? Nope. It just means, bond with your spouse and feel out the moment.
> 
> *I have been doing this for over 3 years now. We are sexually active twice a day. * Maybe once a day I will not orgasm while we are intimate, maybe I will. It really depends on what she feels and if she wants that moment, or wants to wait until later. Since we know we will be intimate, there is no urgency or desperate need to just ejaculate at the first chance I get. I know later, I will get my release, when we both want it.


Are you saying that before you started doing this your wife felt that you were just using her for sex. But after you started to do it she now does not feel used and really likes sex?

What was your self life like before you started doing this?

Could it be that before you hit on this solution you were more focused on you getting off and less on her? Now you are more focused giving her pleasure and on true intimacy?


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

This reminds me of a toned-down version of Devotional Sex (devotionalsex.org)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If providing reasonable, basic human needs for one's spouse makes them feel "used", they have no business anywhere near a marriage. Every one of us are free to live alone and be master of all we survey. If someone wants to be a sexless, loveless, emotionless zombie, they are welcome to be one. They don't have the right to drag someone else down with them. The answer is not for the functional to pretend to be dysfunctional but for the dysfunctional to get help or have the decency to get out of a role they agreed to but cannot or will not perform in.


There are times when a woman have a legitimate feeling that they are simply being used sexually by their husband. And example that I know of is a man who just wants a quick orgasm for himself and he does nothing for her. It's all about him. This does happen in some marriages. There are men who believe that women are not supposed to have orgasms or enjoy sex. You can get that a woman married to a guy who ignores her sexual needs and he only uses her to get off with is going to feel used by him... because she is only being used by him.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Coldie said:


> A lot of women go through the motions, are human, and do not orgasm during penetration. In fact, only 30% of women can orgasm through the act of penetration. However, some of them still enjoy and love sex. Why? Because they are emotional and they understand why it's special.
> 
> Maybe some don't understand and that is why they shut off and become detached. Maybe they do not orgasm from penetration and like you, they find it pointless to do if they cannot orgasm from it?


That’s why am always willing to give oral. I know that penetration orgasms are rare for some women, non-existent for others, while others have tons.



> However, as a man, reattach yourself to her by letting her know, you can enjoy sex strictly from an emotional standpoint without needing your physical release. Maybe this can help her feel less used. Maybe this will also help her understand sex isn't just about the physical release you get, while maybe she doesn't.
> 
> I'd like to think I am not a mindless caveman or animal that has to ejaculate just because my hips move.


Sex isn’t just about the orgasm! I like to enjoy exploring and pleasuring my partner’s body too, feeling her against me, kissing her. There’s a reason, in my opinion, why orgasms from sex are much stronger and better than those from masturbating: because you have that much longer build up, variety of sensations, the increasing desire, until eventually you are one, moving together, totally absorbed in each other. The orgasm at the end is the explosion of all that energy and passion, the mutual conclusion of everything you’ve done together, the connection you’ve shared.

Sometimes you just can’t get over the hill anyway, but you’ve still enjoyed the experience. But to deliberately not do will not compute in my mind.



> But that may be an ego thing.


Ya think?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> 3. Having gone through LD periods, like during pregnancy, cancer, and calculus, I can tell you that duty sex is aweful. If you are not into it, then you just aren't. And with a grunting man heaving over you, you feel like the worst kind of object. A receptical for semen, nothing more, and it actually causes more problems in the marriage.


This quote from another thread is inspiring for sure. What does she feel like if she is not a receptacle for semen?

What does "duty sex" become when the man isn't trying to use you as a receptacle for semen? That question is a lot more meaningful than it seems.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that before you started doing this your wife felt that you were just using her for sex. But after you started to do it she now does not feel used and really likes sex?
> 
> What was your self life like before you started doing this?
> 
> Could it be that before you hit on this solution you were more focused on you getting off and less on her? Now you are more focused giving her pleasure and on true intimacy?


All good questions. 

Ele, the short answer is *yes.*

The long answer is:

She started getting off through pure penetration after learning to enjoy and appreciate sex. After feeling like less of a sex doll, and more of a person who pleases me not through giving me an orgasm, but through the process of bonding. I can't be responsible for what she has achieved. This takes two people. Do I sex better not grunting on top of her and forcing out orgasms every time she lets me inside her, maybe. But I do not purposely concentrate on making her orgasm. I just enjoy our moments. I can only make suggestions on things that worked for us. Do I think not orgasming during sex changes the focus from my own physical need, to our emotional needs? Yes, that is why I suggest it. It's extreme, because if you take your own orgasm out of the equation, sex takes on a whole new meaning. Read through some of the responses and how ridiculous it sounds to some people to have sex and not orgasm. It makes no sense to them. Even for you, the idea made you immediately respond, "Yea, try it for 6 months and see how that works out." The response idea is so offensive, because we feel sex without the orgasm seems wrong (for men -- and I guess women who want their men to orgasm every time). However, a lot of women love sex and never orgasm through penetration. They have an understanding most guys may never get. And eventually, after years of guys never getting, they give up on their understanding and end up feeling like a cum receptacle.

My suggestion is for different circumstances and could almost be therapeutic for a couple. If it seems wrong or offense, I would suggest ignoring the suggestion. No big deal.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

calamityjim said:


> This reminds me of a toned-down version of Devotional Sex (devotionalsex.org)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll check it out. Thank you for the link.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> That’s why am always willing to give oral. I know that penetration orgasms are rare for some women, non-existent for others, while others have tons.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If you cannot compute it, what do you want me to do? Convince you? I enjoy the physical orgasm just as much as the next guy, but I do not feel like an orgasm is necessary when you want to be intimate. I do feel penetration, connection, and bonding is though. I think 70% of women would agree with me on that. I hope that your spouse has this huge explosion with you at the end of your sex each time so you are both equally having those great moments together. If so, this suggestion isn't for you.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Coldie said:


> If you cannot compute it, what do you want me to do? Convince you?


I don't want you to do anything.



> I enjoy the physical orgasm just as much as the next guy, but I do not feel like an orgasm is necessary when you want to be intimate. I do feel penetration, connection, and bonding is though. I think 70% of women would agree with me on that. I hope that your spouse has this huge explosion with you at the end of your sex each time so you are both equally having those great moments together. If so, this suggestion isn't for you.


I'd love to hear if it works for anyone else in this situation.

Elegirl seems to share my view that it almost seems more about being a considerate lover and doing more than just PIV so that the orgasm at the end is just one of the many fun things that happens. I'm diplomatically saying 'considerate' because frankly, I think someone who only ever wants PIV and doesn't want lots of other acts and touching too is boring and crappy in bed, and I would be turned off by that too even as an HD man.

I also completely agree with unbelieveable's view, if you don't enjoy physical intimacy with a partner, don't have a partner.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> A lot of women go through the motions, are human, and do not orgasm during penetration. In fact, only 30% of women can orgasm through the act of penetration. However, some of them still enjoy and love sex. Why? Because they are emotional and they understand why it's special.
> 
> Maybe some don't understand and that is why they shut off and become detached. Maybe they do not orgasm from penetration and like you, they find it pointless to do if they cannot orgasm from it?
> 
> ...





Coldie said:


> If your spouse understands it's not just a physical release, but an emotional need, maybe she will understand why this need needs to be met.
> 
> But you are correct. I am looking at the issue through my eyes. When we started doing this, I was having sex maybe 3 times a week and I had to initiate. My wife felt used, felt she never had a chance to want sex because I wanted it too much, and didn't believe it was an emotional need. She told me she just felt like a sex doll sometimes. This broke my heart. She also, at the time, was not orgasmic through penetration. She could orgasm with stimulation with a hand or a toy during penetration, or oral sex, but not just pure penetration. The feeling she once got where sex was special, and even though she couldn't orgasm, she loved just being close to me. It eventually turned to, "I am having sex with him because its the "other day" in the week and he needs to orgasm." Not maliciously, but this is definitely how she felt. Sex became nothing but a way for me to masturbate and force her to be there while I did.
> 
> So I took out orgasms.


I get what you're saying. There are a lot of women who don't orgasm during sex, but they do feel the intimate connection so they are happy to keep having sex. However, they can start to feel used after a while, especially if it's not clear to them that sex is also an emotional need for their partners and not just a physical need to orgasm.

It certainly took me a long time to understand that sex is an emotional need for men, too. 

So if a man is willing to put his orgasms on hold at times, it can deliver the message - show, not tell - that he needs the emotional closeness with her as much, if not more, than the orgasm.

It's like an extension of the advice: Don't hug and kiss and touch your wife _only _when you want to have sex. Be affectionate all the time, not just when you want sex.

Lots of women give bj's or handjobs without anything in return for themselves, and men think this is perfectly acceptable _and oh so desirable_, so I don't see why it's so shocking to consider that a man would sometimes forgo his own orgasm even though he pleasures her.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

norajane said:


> I get what you're saying. There are a lot of women who don't orgasm during sex, but they do feel the intimate connection so they are happy to keep having sex. However, they can start to feel used after a while, especially if it's not clear to them that sex is also an emotional need for their partners and not just a physical need to orgasm.
> 
> It certainly took me a long time to understand that sex is an emotional need for men, too.
> 
> ...


Great reply. In fact, wtf, you totally get it.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

There is so much more involved with this process and what it turns into, but I don't want to freak the forums out too much. It opens doors to a whole new form of intimacy, but also would seem awkward to most couples I think.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Coldie, I think what you've don is a very creative and tangible way to "put your money where your mouth is" and I loudly applaud you for being willing to do this.

As a woman who spent MANY years in marriage unable to orgasm at all, I felt horrible used. Now there were some other factors involved but for the purpose of this thread they aren't relevant. 

Consider how a woman feels when she either doesn't orgasm at all or only orgasms 3 times out of 10 times. Having sex is sexually arousing for everyone, but when a woman's arousal level can't or rarely gets past the point of no return sex can become a source of disappointment, frustration and anger. 

Hell Yes, you feel used!

I asked my husband how he would feel if I got him hard, climbed on, took a few orgasms then rolled over leaving him unsatisfied. And how would you feel if this was par for the course for years, 12-15 years!

He couldn't answer and I don't think the vast majority of men could even attempt because men orgasm easily 98% of the time.

Okay then, how would you feel if every time we had sex, I had an orgasm then pulled away unable to tolerate more touching?

Apples and oranges perhaps because it's pretty simple for a man to get himself off or for his wife to lend a hand.

Coldie, I don't think this is something that will be long term or even routine. I think doing this is a clear demonstration that you care more about her then dipping your wick and getting off. Sometimes it's very difficult for women to really see and understand that making love is as much about intimacy and fun, connecting and loving for men as it is for women.

During cuddling and foreplay, the brain secretes oxytocin, both men and women. But for women the oxytocin is much stronger because it works in concert with estrogen and progesterone creating a strong bonding feeling. This is why women who don't easily orgasm still enjoy sex, it feels good to bond with your spouse! But if there is a mismatch in drives and she doesn't orgasm regularly, the bonding feeling while still present isn't enough to counteract the frustration of sexual arousal that didn't lead to orgasm. 

Add to this the fact that MOST women who DONT orgasm easily feel like there is something wrong with them and they have no idea how to fix it! So they get down on themselves and get down on their spouses and resentment sets in. Sex becomes a power play and once that happens drastic steps have to be taken to both rid the relationship of resentment AND return to peaceful bonding.

Coldie, what you have done is brilliant!

I predict that this demonstration will lead to a much deeper level of intimacy because you both will come to understand how the other feels and better express your own feelings.

Are you a taker or a giver? You, Coldie, are not a taker.

*the above statement is not intended for women who lack empathy, or who just aren't in love with their husbands anymore.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> Lots of women give bj's or handjobs without anything in return for themselves, and men think this is perfectly acceptable _and oh so desirable_, so I don't see why it's so shocking to consider that a man would sometimes forgo his own orgasm even though he pleasures her.


QFT!

Now that I am highly orgasmic and have a higher drive than my husband I have no problem plopping myself on his lap, grabbing his hands and putting them where I want them. This doesn't always lead to sex and sometimes it happens after we have had great sex and I'm in one of those insatiable moods. And conversely, on the rare occasions he wants sex and I don't, and it's easy to know when he wants sex, I just offer up a happy ending massage or a BJ. This is meeting the sexual needs of one another. There is no power play in sex anymore. No resentment about sex. 

We do have times when sex becomes another battle ground in our relationship but I will no longer suffer in silence, brood or pout. I get it out there and force Mr. Passive Aggressive to confront the issue!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Coldie, I think what you've don is a very creative and tangible way to "put your money where your mouth is" and I loudly applaud you for being willing to do this.
> 
> As a woman who spent MANY years in marriage unable to orgasm at all, I felt horrible used. Now there were some other factors involved but for the purpose of this thread they aren't relevant.
> 
> ...


Wow, you guys are really giving me goosebumps. I don't know if it's the critical thinking I enjoy or I like that you guys are looking deeper into the idea than what I've written. 

I had no idea about the effects of the chemicals on a woman's brain being greater because of estrogen. Orgasm or not, the intimacy can be so overwhelming, I feel literally high. The orgasm for me, takes away my high and brings me right back to reality. My wife has said, the high feeling is what she gets as well, but since our sex has changed she has become orgasmic through penetration. But maybe the goal changed, so her body doesn't feel "used." Interesting. I wonder if as I age and my levels of Testosterone goes down, do I appreciate sex and intimacy more during, like a female would?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> QFT!
> 
> Now that I am highly orgasmic and have a higher drive than my husband I have no problem plopping myself on his lap, grabbing his hands and putting them where I want them. This doesn't always lead to sex and sometimes it happens after we have had great sex and I'm in one of those insatiable moods. And conversely, on the rare occasions he wants sex and I don't, and it's easy to know when he wants sex, I just offer up a happy ending massage or a BJ. This is meeting the sexual needs of one another. There is no power play in sex anymore. No resentment about sex.
> 
> We do have times when sex becomes another battle ground in our relationship but I will no longer suffer in silence, brood or pout. I get it out there and force Mr. Passive Aggressive to confront the issue!


Yea, you get it.

The part I really didn't want to get into was, the idea of my wife can see me in the shower and grab my penis, or even go down and suck on it for about 10 seconds, then just stop like it never happened. Maybe give me an erection and tease or maybe not. No big deal, no talking about it. A 10 second blow job for no reason other than I was just naked in front of her. Once you've achieved that level of intimacy, then the touching, hugging, and yes, even 10 second blow jobs become a normal thing. She feels no pressure to continue. She can love me, touch me, and even fondle me, and not worry about me turning it into sex and having to orgasm. But, like mentioned earlier, this wouldn't be the case if she was only sexual with me once a week.

This for me, is a huge turnaround, because maybe 5 years ago, I would beg her to even look at me if I was naked near her. She would purposely not look. She felt used and I think she felt if she looked, I would take it as a sign she wanted me to make a "move" on her. I don't really know. But that is no longer the case.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Yea, you get it.
> 
> .. ago, I would beg her to even look at me if I was naked near her. She would purposely not look. She felt used and I think she felt if she looked, *I would take it as a sign she wanted me to make a "move" on her. * I don't really know. But that is no longer the case.


Sex became a battle ground. Now it isn't. So you're both free to move about the cabin!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Coldie said:


> Yea, you get it.
> 
> The part I really didn't want to get into was, the idea of my wife can see me in the shower and grab my penis, or even go down and suck on it for about 10 seconds, then just stop like it never happened. Maybe give me an erection and tease or maybe not. No big deal, no talking about it. A 10 second blow job for no reason other than I was just naked in front of her. Once you've achieved that level of intimacy, then the touching, hugging, and yes, even 10 second blow jobs become a normal thing. She feels no pressure to continue. She can love me, touch me, and even fondle me, and not worry about me turning it into sex and having to orgasm. But, like mentioned earlier, this wouldn't be the case if she was only sexual with me once a week. This form of physical interaction does not culminate into full blown orgasm. However, it does build anticipation for later.
> 
> This for me, is a huge turnaround, because maybe 5 years ago, I would beg her to even look at me if I was naked near her. She would purposely not look. She felt used and I think she felt if she looked, I would take it as a sign she wanted me to make a "move" on her. I don't really know. But that is no longer the case.


I see were you are getting at Coldie. This is were I am with my wife. Getting out of the shower while my W is in the bathroom finishing her hair or something she will take a 10 second BJ on me. Smile and wink. It does not culminate to a orgasm. It is truly normal for us. Most mornings I bite her a$$ because it's normal for us. We are totally comfortable in our own skins and together in our skin. My wife and I physically touch(in the FUN spots) as often as we can on a daily basis. We have been married 20 years. We are very connected on many levels. This physical touching does not culminate to orgasm however it does build anticipation.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I see were you are getting at Coldie. This is were I am with my wife. Getting out of the shower while my W is in the bathroom finishing her hair or something she will take a 10 second BJ on me. Smile and wink. It does not culminate to a orgasm. It is truly normal for us. Most mornings I bite her a$$ because it's normal for us. We are totally comfortable in our own skins and together in our skin. My wife and I physically touch(in the FUN spots) as often as we can on a daily basis. We have been married 20 years. We are very connected on many levels. This physical touching does not culminate to orgasm however it does build anticipation.


I hope we can still be where you're at in 4 more years. I love seeing happy couples married for so long and I love to hear how they did it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Coldie said:


> I hope we can still be where you're at in 4 more years. I love seeing happy couples married for so long and I love to hear how they did it.


How we do it? We treat each other like we are still dating. We say, "I love you" and sound like we really do(because we do). Not just saying it. We spend no less than 15 hours per week with each other. We find common interests. Planting flowers, curio shops and relaxing in our yard. There is much touching and hand holding. Hand holding is a huge thing. My wife likes my public display of affection. Most times in the super market I will cup her butt with my hand or cop a feel. Usually when another customer is in the isle and not looking.  Affection is tops. My undivided attention when she is talking to me and physical encounters makes us connect. She reciprocates the undivided attention as well.


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