# husband changed his mind about having kids



## mychalyn (Sep 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, three of those married. I am turning 30 soon, he is 34. Until the last couple of months, we were on the same page about children; we did now want to have them, and both openly discussed this from early on in our relationship. He now is thinking that he does want to be a dad, not right now but in the next few years. I have NEVER had the urge, and cannot imagine wanting children, too, and am completely torn up about this. We have a wonderful, supportive, almost effortless marriage and have agreed on all the big issues until this. We have discussed this situation, and was honest with him that I did not know if I would ever feel the same way he did, and that he should get everything he wants out of life. I do not want to lose him or what we have, and I know he feels the same, but how do we find a compromise? Is it possible to compromise? Do I wait the next couple of years to see if my clock starts to tick, or should we think about leaving each other now so that he has a chance to find someone else (add sick-to-my-stomach feeling here). He is the one who changed the plan, but I think I would rather have kids than lose him, but don't know if that is the rational decision. Help, please!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You shouldn't compromise your feelings about kids just to make him happy. That's leading you down the path of resentment, and any kids you did bring into this would suffer for it. That isn't right.

He changed the rules, the decision is his. Stay with you knowing you haven't, or make a move to find his happiness with someone else who shares his newfound desire. My guess is he will stay. If your relationship is as you say, there's no reason not to. 

That's my .02.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mychalyn said:


> We have discussed this situation, and was honest with him that I did not know if I would ever feel the same way he did, and that he should get everything he wants out of life. I do not want to lose him or what we have, and I know he feels the same, but how do we find a compromise? Is it possible to compromise? He is the one who changed the plan, but I think I would rather have kids than lose him, but don't know if that is the rational decision. Help, please!


I know of two people who went through similar situations. One was a woman who agreed to have "just one" because it meant so much to her husband, and she has discovered that she loves being a mom. However, she was a raging bear when she was pregnant - fearful of every minor pain, doubting herself, raging at him. It did affect their marriage negatively, but as far as being a parent, she loves it.

The other couple involved a woman with 4 kids who wanted another with her new husband, who didn't want children. She eventually agreed to not have another baby and I've never heard her complain since - and that was about six years ago.

So yes, compromise is possible, and can have good results or bad. I think it really depends on the people and their reasons. 

How serious is your husband? Could this have been a "it would be nice" musing that he isn't totally serious about? How will he feel if you do not change your mind? Would he really want to split up a terrific relationship for one that is unproven and bring a child into that?


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Do you have any small children family members such as nieces, nephews, friends with little ones?

I always knew I didn't want kids...hubs too...I always wondered if I would regret my decision.....

My brothers kids have lived with me on and off.....I have helped raise one of them....

AND I AM SOOOO GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF MY OWN!!! 

Maybe spending time around them can confirm whether he truly wants them or not?

Good luck, hope it works out for you.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

My husband and I agreed too that we didn't want children. In fact that was one of the reasons why I married him because it was such a HUGE factor for me when it came to choosing a mate. I didn't want the added stress of being asked for a child and me denying them. But a few years into our marriage he flipped the script and wanted kids. Needless to say, 5 years later, he had one. Just not with me. We divorced because of it and he remarried. To this day I do not have children (I'm almost 40 now) and I have not regretted it for a minute. 

In my opinion this is not something that can be a compromise. One kid vs 2 kids is a compromise. No kids vs. one kid is not. But this has to be your husband's decision as to whether he stays or goes. If he really feels strongly about wanting kids then unfortantely he'll go. But maybe this is just a fleeting thought or feeling that'll go away in time? Only time will tell. 

He is the one who changed his mind so he'll need to be the one to decide. 

I'm very sorry. I know how disheartening this is.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with IrishGirlVA. I don't think you can compromise here. Don't have a child just because he wants one. That's no way to live life and might be terrible for the child. 

You need to figure out NOW how serious he is. If he's not going to change his mind, he's the one who has basically ended this marriage. You were clear up front about your intentions. He's letting you down, not the other way around.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks, but figure it out now. I hope he relents here and it's just a phase for him.


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## lablue (Jan 18, 2013)

mychalyn said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, three of those married. I am turning 30 soon, he is 34. Until the last couple of months, we were on the same page about children; we did now want to have them, and both openly discussed this from early on in our relationship. He now is thinking that he does want to be a dad, not right now but in the next few years. I have NEVER had the urge, and cannot imagine wanting children, too, and am completely torn up about this. We have a wonderful, supportive, almost effortless marriage and have agreed on all the big issues until this. We have discussed this situation, and was honest with him that I did not know if I would ever feel the same way he did, and that he should get everything he wants out of life. I do not want to lose him or what we have, and I know he feels the same, but how do we find a compromise? Is it possible to compromise? Do I wait the next couple of years to see if my clock starts to tick, or should we think about leaving each other now so that he has a chance to find someone else (add sick-to-my-stomach feeling here). He is the one who changed the plan, but I think I would rather have kids than lose him, but don't know if that is the rational decision. Help, please!


i am in the same spot! i am 35 and he 32, well he promised kids then oops now he is 180% sure he dosen't. this is goin on right now, he shut the door... he said what if you leave and you still never have kids? i said thats different than having the door locked in my face. i said would you resent the kid b/c i wouldn't be giving you all my attention? he said yes, boom! right there i know that i can not have kids with someone that selfish.. but ya. i love him, not who he has decided to turn into. if he changes his mind on something this intense what else will he dominate in our lives! w/o my feelings or input.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

This is a tough one! I'm sorry you have to deal with this--but others are right, he knew how you felt about it before marrying you, and he's the one who changed his mind. Does he really feel strongly about it? Or he just had a fleeting thought?

IMO, it's not right to bring a kid into this world if you don't wholeheartedly want them, or at least embrace the idea. Kids deserve to be loved and have parents who love having them. Please don't have a kid just to make him happy, both you and possibly your child will suffer because of it. 

I know how you feel. I've never had the urge to have children, either. Don't get me wrong, I adore kids, as well as animals, but I just don't ever see myself raising one full-time, at least not with the type of traveling lifestyle that I want. My boyfriend has a son from a previous marriage, and is unsure of whether he wants more. I love his kid, and we definitely have a lot of fun whenever we're together. 
Between my boyfriend's son, his niece and nephews, and any future kids my youngest uncle and brother have, I definitely get my fill of being with kids!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I never wanted kids but my husband did. My clock never did tick. Eventually I decided that I was willing to take the plunge and have a baby. My first was born when I was 34. While I was completely unprepared for the demands of motherhood I adjusted quickly and within no time I became a cliche in that I would do anything for my son. I love him that much. He's 12 now and just the absolute joy of my life. He's awesome!

I loved being a mom so much that I went on to have 2 more kids. Yes I laugh about it now.


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## lablue (Jan 18, 2013)

Thanks y'all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Agree with the poster who said your H should do some babysitting now- various ages without a mother hovering around so he can see what having kids is really like.

And get a hold of the Baby Trap- book written in the 70's but dead on about everything people don't think about before they have kids.


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