# xbox live is killing my relationship



## chunt

I'm new here, and here's a little about me. I'm a 24 year old attractive woman who is active duty military (home-ported) and new here so I am on a light schedule 2 days work 2 days off etc etc. So I am home a great deal of time, and when I am not I am only 2 miles away from our home. 

My husband is 26 years old and is a retired army vet who sustained injuries causeing him to be medically disabled, he isnt in a wheelchair or anything, he's physically capable of doing things just his medical problems ake it nearly impossible to sustain a traditional civilian job so he is at home. 

When we were dating, before we were married he had no addictions, he had an xbox and rarely used it, maybe he'd get onlineto play with friends he knew IRL from time to time but it was nothing major and I considered that normal. Now he has "friends" he made while playing the game and acts as if they "depend" on him to play with them to level up or whatever.

After I got out of bootcamp we gpt married and moved to michigan where I am stationed. The first few months here were rocky, he's go to the casino from time to time and spend large amounts of money when we didnt have things for our house that we wanted. Well, we fixed that by talking it over and creating a budgeting system. So that problem is gone, or its just way too cold out for him to want to go anywhere.



Recently, he bought the COD MW3 game and it feels like thats all she wrote. He no longer/rarely calls/texts me while I'm on duty at work. And when I'm home he'll get on there and 4 or more hours will go by leaving me to feel as if I shouldnt have come home in the first place. We'll be watching a movie on netflix or hulu and he'll say something like "oh so and so's on" like he wants to stop what we're doing and do that.



I feel like I'm here in real life so I should be more important. I'm hurt, I feel ignored and discarded as he is also increasingly moody if I ask him to do something non-game related. I'm hoping this is just a phase, like a new toy thing children go through because I have no idea what to do if it lasts. Please offer any advice possible and if your SO went through this game or something similar how long did it last?


The last 2 days I was home he was "normal" like maybe played an hour or 2 each day, but today I'm back at work and hadn't heard squat from him until about 5pm. Am I a bad wife or something because I work and we dont have children? This whole situation just depresses the crap out of me.


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## Hope1964

Inanimate objects cannot ruin anything. It's your husband who is doing the ruining.

Have you told him what you posted here?


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## chunt

we have talked about it, and I'm not blaming the xbox, I blame him. I just thought that would be a good title. HE said that he'll get tired of it but its been about a month so far of this non stop videogaming.

I feel like its ridiculous and whenever we do talk about it he acts like I'm a nutjob or something. Its gotten to the point where I purchased a relationship help book. I hope it does help but only time will tell. The whole situation is incredibly depressing to me.


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## Hope1964

So you've told him how much it bothers you, yet he continues to do it?? Disrespectful. Very. How were things before this started? You mention him also gambling too much. Perhaps he replaced that with this?

If he does have addiction problems he needs professional help, and if he isn't respecting you, then you need to tell him to either smarten up or you're outta there, because he won't just suddenly start respecting you out of the blue. It will only get worse.


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## chunt

The gambling was a 2 time thing, and it was upsetting because like I said before we had just moved and the money could have been used in so much better places.

This all seems so strange because when he was the AD member, doing work like I do he rarely played games, and rarely gambled. 

I like to think I'm respected, I dont see any signs that I'm not other than this stupid videogame crap. He still cleans when I'm not home. 
I have told him how much this bothers me but I dont think he really grasps the situation. I dont mind if he's on them when I'm home but I'm a real person and this is our real life so I feel like I should come before getting to whatever level on that thing. Sometimes I feel like I dont.

We do also have some previous issues. He was married and divorced before we met and one of the reasons for his divorce other than infedelity was debt rung up in his name by his exwife and her addiction to games. I think he uses them as an escape maybe, but I dont think his life is that bad; honestly if I could I would trade places with him in a second.


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## Hope1964

Have you tried standing in front of the TV with nothing but a necklace on? That would be a good test of where his priorities lie.


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## chunt

hahaha very funny reply and no, I have not. Its not bad when I;m at home but when I go to duty its like I fell off the earth or something. 


for people who dont know what duty means I go to work and have to stay there day and night for a few days, kind of like a city fireman or corrections officer


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## Hope1964

What if you suggested he schedule his time, with a time limit, and you don't expect to hear from him during those times? Think you guys could agree on times and he could stick with that?


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## The Gottman Institute

Sounds like there might be some other issues going on. You said that you have tried talking to him, when you do this, is he willing to compromise at all? Whether it's video games or something else, it doesn't matter. What matters is that the way he is currently spending his time is damaging the relationship. If he is not willing to compromise and doesn't change his behavior. It might be time to get some outside help.


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## chunt

Thanks for ask the support everyone. We have talked about it and have worked out a compromise that works for us. Have a blessed day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind

Hi Chunt sorry you here Has he considered the possibilty of going to college ? that would keep his mind on other things besides video games. I would suggest talking to him about your feelings and that you are available to him anytime and would like to hear from him 

Good Luck


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## chunt

Yes, we have talked about college, he is currently waiting on transcripts from a school he attended while in the army, I'm attending part-time online.

It seems like the talk I had with him really did help, as I am not always the best at expressing myself. The compromise we reached is simple, he complained he had nothing to do while I'm on duty at work and I spat out a laundry list of things that could be done in our home, and that I hate when I come home it looks like I'm entering the Gaza strip (major mess) and that when that happens it makes me feel unappreciated, like what I do and clean when I am home does not matter. I also told him that I do not expect him to be a mind reader, even though common sense would dictate that coming home to that would be disappointing. 

I do not mind that he plays video games, I'm not some xbox hater, I like to play on there with him when I'm home sometimes. But I told him that I dont mind that he's on there when I'm home and doing schoolwork, but when I'm cleaning or doing laundry it feels like he just doesn't want to help out, and that's disappointing. 

After this discussion we both walked away with clear understanding of what to expect from each other, which we didn't have before (read to do that in my book "the anger habit in relationships"). And for anyone experiencing something like this I suggest that workbook, what I have done so far in it has made me feel better.


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## In_The_Wind

Yes I agree chunt I used to be into the need for speed video games and my spouse had similar feelings about by video gaming and we talked it out I am firm believer in CRAP- communication resolves all problems - sorry couldnt resist Now she is addicted to words with friends hahaha funny how the table turns at times


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## chunt

"I am firm believer in CRAP- communication resolves all problems"

I LOVE THAT


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