# Torn on what is best for us



## Masking.My.Pain (Apr 29, 2017)

Hello everyone;

I'm very happy to have found a website for people like me to let my guard down and open up and ask for advice. Especially at a time of my life where I feel it's litterally falling apart. 

I'm a 29 year old mom/"wife" to a 7 year old daughter and 10 years with my husband , common-law that is. Our relationship hasn't been the greatest for very long through out the years. It was for 2 years at one point - that's when he decided to propose to me. (Which is almost 3 years ago Aug 1st) 
After he proposed to me, Christmas holiday he decided to throw at me he's going through a lot (mental illness) which was NEVER brought to my attention ever in the years we were together. So with benefits supporting councelling we went for 3 session, he never did homework, nor continued to go due to high prices and benefits only covered so much. He got diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety. No meds were prescribed just exercises for the mind which he never continued. 

Months went by, things got worse his moods, attitude towards me, and our daughter, how he talked to us and he started to keep himself inside for majority of the days. (He has anxiety of leaving the house, and doing anything that involves leaving his comfort zone. And now is starting to get anxiety of being alone at home). 
Fights were starting to become very bad between us, our daughter was starting to pick up on his attitude, tone of voice, how he spoke to her etc. So children mirror what they see and hear. Needless to say it got to me and it wasn't changing so i picked it up and now all 3 of us just continue to fight with each other on a daily basis, and it's very draining. My 7 year old daughter is a very bad combo of my husbands mouth, rudeness and my attitude. (Just lovely) !! BUT catch her on a good day she's the most caring loving and helpful child i love so muccnd so bkeased to have. I get compliments of her all the time which is a good thing! But the tone of voice and attitude and WHAT she says is just too much to deal with every day! 
1 year after he proposed he ended it blamed me for it due to me changing ?? What are you serious, you're the one who has a mental illness and I'M CHANGING?!?! Ok! I'm trying to cope with your situation every day! So a year after his bombshell (christmas time) it's gotten a lot worse. Lost his job, His relationship with his daughter has pretty much died. He said he was done being a dad / husband didn't want this life anymore. ARE YOU FRIGGEN KIDDING ME!!!!! at this point I didn't know what to do. We use to live in Toronto but now we are in Guelph for the last 4 years! Yay! So I have litterally NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS to turn to here. So here I am trying to deal with this on my own. Months go by its up and down up and down. (But he still wants me to wear the ring and classify us as married he cant comit to marriage! Wtf!!!)

At one point I was ready to leave. But of course he guilt triped me in staying. Because he'd have no one left in his life because he chose that for himself. Stopped talking to his whole family (whoever was left) his family issues go way back to his childhood. 

He found a job, stayed there for 6 months left because it was an unsafe workplace, fare enough. Now we both are not working I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years. Our choice, up untill we moved out of Toronto. Been brutal looking for Childcare and work here. Now he doesn't want to live here but doesn't want to move back to where we came from!? 

I've notixed myself becoming depressed VERY BADLLY, anxiety has completly set in for me going back to work. (We are on Ontario works and our Caseworker has told him to stop looking for working and go to councelling to better himself, this was over a month ago almost 2 and he hasn't gone to any sessions, I have. I've let our Caseworker know and she's brought it to his attention he needs to go!) Still hasn't he says he can't bring himself to go and leave the house, no one can help him and nothing can help him so he has told me! So it looks like he's planning on staying at home for the rest of his life and not helping himself? Ive tried to educate myself with this about him and help myself because i feel my life unravelling and i NEED to get back to being a strong woman/mom. Told him to read books with me and come to the seasions, he wont! 

We are litterally living off of a certain amount every month which isnt much for 3 people. He doesnt seems to give a crap all he does is want money, spend money and we cant afford ANYTHING!!!!!! 

Im at my wits end with this guy and im ready to leave when my daughter is done school for the summer. Whether hes alone or not. 

I need guidence, someone to help me to stay strong and do whats BEST for my daughter and me. If that means me moving back to Toronto with my family and starting a new life with just me and her without him then i need to do so but its very hard after 10 years, but also heartbreakig to stay. My relationship with my mom isnt good at all never really was, all i have is my grandmother. 

My depression and my anxiety are getting worse every day, im ready to scream at the top of my lungs and cry myself to sleep becasue i just cant cope with what hes putting through. I need help, i need a support system with me. Please help!!!!


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