# Your parents



## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

So, we have noticed many patterns and trends in the behavior of husbands and wives toward each other. Some are researched by universities, others more informal. We've read about some of them in books by Ph.Ds and counselors, and formulated our own set of terminology on this forum.

It's pretty easy to see the common parts of relationships of many couples on this forum.

How about in your own family? How would you describe the relationship between your parents? Did your father's behavior set a precedent which you follow? 

This will be especially interesting since I think we have a wide range of ages on this forum. I am 25, but I think there's some people who are twice my age who are members here.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> I am 25, but I think there's some people who are twice my age who are members here.


Yup!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Yes I think my upbringing and the things I learned from my environment/parents has alot to do with things in my life. Same for my husband. 

These are some of the thing we were both taught but are working on to better ourselves!

Me:
I was taught to be extremely emotional over little things. 
To have anxiety issues
To have some control/co-dependent issues
To want to get to the root of things (which is good), but sometimes go about it the wrong way. 
To let the things others do sometimes hurt me and effect me personally. 

Him:
To withdraw and shut down when problems arise. 
No coping/communication skills. 
Drinking was the way to deal in life. 
Sweeping things under the rug.
Living life in a passive-aggressive manner.
To be a finger pointer/blamer.
No being held accountable
To not know how to emotionally connect with someone. 

I'm sure there are more for the both of us. Its been a hard road, but we are working on fixing these things. Can't change how our parents were to us, but we can change how we are and we continue to live today.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

In my case, my parents are still married. They've been married for more than 30 years now.

When I was a kid, maybe from 1-11 years old, I remember that my dad seemed to be in command. He led the way for our family and seemed more assertive back in those days. 

When I was a preteen/early teenager, I remember my parents having arguments a lot more. I didn't understand it at the time, but the root cause seemed to come from my mom's insecurity about herself. I think she would often feel .

From when I was about 15 to the present day, my mom is absolutely in control. While I don't live at home anymore, I did stay there when I was in college over summer or school breaks.
I can't even think of the last time my parents had a real argument. My mom gets mad at my dad all the time -- At least once every time I visit, and usually over very small/nonexistent issues. But he never challenges her or anything. He just says things like "I'm sorry, I love you..."

It's not like they're dysfunctional or have a bad relationship, but, he's definitely subservient to my mom. I wonder what my dad would think of the advice on this forum, and how it might change the dynamic between my parents.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

I know that our parents' marriages have trained us to behave in a particular way. My parents have been married 25 years, my husbands' parents, 27. H and I are both 24.

My husband, though watching his dad interact with his mom, was taught:

-To do your best to make your wife happy, no matter what it takes
-To tolerate disrespect because the conflict of bringing it up just causes more problems
-Passivity is the best approach

On the contrary, I was taught the following after observing my parents' marriage:

-To make sure that I'm always in control
-To confront problems aggressively
-That passivity is weakness

Obviously this has caused an enormous amount of tension, but we've recognized precisely where our behaviors stem from. It's been...interesting, to say the least. But we're definitely working on the issues


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

AgentD, sounds like we are married to the same man. Exactly the same things for my husband that you listed.

Husband also learnt: How to be secretive.
How to disrespect women.
Infidelity happens in marriage and it is forgiven.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

MsWren, MGirl, AgentD -- Are your parents still married, or perhaps married to someone new?

How do they behave toward eachother? How well do they understand their relationship? Who's "driving the bus" and who's acting "beta?"


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

My parents are still married. Cheating husband's cheating mother is still married to her husband. No divorces on either side.

My parents seem to tolerate each other but I think get on each other's nerves being retired. My mother seems to drive the bus or has the final say in things I think. Both have their own interests.

Husband's parents are dysfunctional in my opinion. He still keeps secrets from her, she is frustrated by this, and he acts passive but goes behind her back and does things, eg. hoards. She is a narcissist, lacks empathy or understanding of anyone-else. No sign of affection. He makes sarcastic remarks veiled in humour. They just appear to do the "right thing" by their family but without any sincerity or genuine interest. 

I think I could write a thesis on how their dysfunction has affected me, their daughter-in-law.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm 49. I'm the polar opposite of my father in terms of his treatment of my mother and we kids. He never helped around the house, never praised or hugged the kids, was constantly domineering, abusive physically, verbally, emotionally, etc. He cheated on mom a number of times. We kids actually ran and hid when dad came home from work 'cause the guy just wasn't nice and any attention you got from him wouldn't be of the pleasant variety. My kids met me at the door with kisses and hugs and we spent hours playing, talking, studying, etc. If anything, I'm not dominate enough with my wife in my role as husband. I sort of let myself get walked on. Maybe I mirror more of my mom's personality or perhaps I loathed the way my dad treated us so much that I have gone overboard trying to avoid copying him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My parents have a very loving and supportive relationshp full of trust and they have eachothers' backs. They are cute together. They call eachother out on their BS but always love eachother.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Both of my husband and I have learned not to be like our parents. 

My husband was around his mother and his grandma a lot when he was young, so he learned a lot what women want, he learned that his mother was dying for his father's attention but getting little, he knew that his mother wasn't happy. So he does what his mother and grandmother told him, he does the opposite of his father, he gives me a lot of attention and love, he protects me and cherishes me like a partner should. 

He learned not to be like his father. 

My in-laws are in a better relationship now because of their children's success in marriages. 

My own mother and father don't have a good marriage. My father is a selfish and snobbish man, he gave my mother little money, he gave my mother little love, he had a bad temper, he had cheated on my mother. My mother resents him a lot. It feels terrible sitting next to my mother when she complains about my father, it tears my heart. 

I am in a totally different situation as my mother. I think because my mother had little control of her life, I want to be in total control of my life. I won't let any men torture me. I dumped the men who showed any signs like my father. Men can only love me, they can't do anything to hurt me. I am in charge of our money, but my husband gets to spend a lot. I respect and love my husband like a good wife should because he treats me with all his love and attention. 

One of my brothers is repeating my parents' life. My other two sisters are in control of their relationships, but one is happy and one isn't(Her own problems).


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Both my parents and my husbands parents are still married (both around 50 years). Both icky marriages. And yes even though we tried we still brought that same dynamic to our own marriage. We are both 45 years old.

Both fathers were controlling, abusive men. Both mothers passive, martyr, doormat woman.

Thankfully at year 7 we got into marriage counseling to help us set a different course. It's been a process but now we are nothing like our parents and that's a good thing. Its taken sheer discipline and willpower sometimes but we're doing it.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I've learned a lot from my parents, who have a very happy marriage 

It's strange because they don't really do many of the typical things seen here...like my dad doesn't focus on "manning up" and my mom is a career woman and not a perfect clone of Dr. Laura. Still, they're both very secure people and have a lot of individual interests--they say they see enough drama outside the marriage that they don't want any between the two of them. I truly see them as partners in every way. 

Interestingly, neither one closely follows stereotypical gender roles--or puts ANY stock in them whatsoever. Sure, my mom cooks dinner and my dad works out, but they don't really pay attention to what men or women "should" be doing; they just do what makes them happiest. My dad was a very involved father and wasn't too proud to teach me how to draw unicorns or play tea party with me lol--but he also did great teaching me how to play soccer. What I see in my dad is a man who is so secure in his own role as a husband/father that he feels comfortable doing many different things and taking on different "roles" as needed. He doesn't need to constantly assert his masculinity by doing manly things--and I think part of this is because my mom never challenges or questions his masculinity. 



My own relationship is somewhat different than my parents' as my SO and I follow traditional gender lines more closely. On top of that we're only 21, so he's still figuring out what it means to be a man (and we're both still figuring out what it means to be a grown-up!) Still, I hope to live with the same comfort and security that my parents have one day.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> MsWren, MGirl, AgentD -- Are your parents still married, or perhaps married to someone new?
> 
> How do they behave toward eachother? How well do they understand their relationship? Who's "driving the bus" and who's acting "beta?"


Both our parents are still married. 

My parents relationship has changed...just slightly. My dad has softened up a bit, I think he may appreciate my mom a bit more than before. But he still has his moments where he's a complete controlling @ss and treats her like dirt. Just not as often as before. And my mom has stood her ground a few times lately but for the most part, she still rolls over and plays the victim. 

My H's parents...can't really say. They seem to be on equal footing at this point in their marriage, although my H has said his mother definitely appeared to control the relationship when he was growing up. They have the most functional relationship between my parents and his.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My parents have had a long yet unhappy marriage. My mother is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to my father. He is passive and cowardly; rather than discuss the issues, he chose to have an affair. He did almost no housework; my mother was the slave and she resented it, even though she decided to wait on my dad hand and foot.

I read every book that I can get my hands on about happy marriages and how to have one. I attend individual counseling to work on the issues that come with being raised with abuse, especially anger management. I was sounding too much like my mother for my taste-screaming insults at my poor hubby when we argued. So glad that I was able to see my challenges and work on them, before it ended my marriage.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> MsWren, MGirl, AgentD -- Are your parents still married, or perhaps married to someone new?
> 
> How do they behave toward eachother? How well do they understand their relationship? Who's "driving the bus" and who's acting "beta?"


Both of my parents are still married. They act towards each other like they always did. My mother controls some, while my father resists. I don't think she is as bad as she used to be though. However, its one of those situations where they can't be apart but can't be together either at times sort of deals.

My husbands parents are still together too. They still operate in the same fashion as well, other than he is to old and has to many aches and pains to be running around like he used to.

BTW, I think this is a really good thread. Kind of gets things out in the open about how we and our spouses may or may not have been effected by our parents choices/behavior and how we can continue on in that pattern or change it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ever watch All in the family?

archie and edith sums up my parents but not quite as bad with all the name calling.

I like to think that this has shown me how not to be.

my wife parent reminds me of everybody loves raymond.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> ever watch All in the family?
> 
> archie and edith sums up my parents but not quite as bad with all the name calling.
> 
> ...


A sitcom in your house and your husbands while growing up then?  Although probably didn't feel like it at times.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

I'm 48. I've done a lot of thinking about my mother and father.

My mother was the emotional center of the family. She had lots of feelings, it seemed, and wasn't shy about expressing them. This was in stark contrast with my father, who (I know now) was also a feeling person, but who was completely out of touch with his emotions. I honestly think that if someone had confronted him, he would have denied having any.

Their different styles came from their radically different childhoods. My mom was a coddled twin in a stable middle-class Midwestern family. My dad was the youngest of four boys in a very poor family in South Texas. His own father was an Air Force non-com who drank, had a mistress, and left the family to fend for themselves between his infrequent visits.

My parents' relationship was initially based on attraction, I think, and high hopes for the future. But by the time of my first memories the attraction had started to fade into resentment. My dad wasn't successful at playing the games necessary to advance in his academic profession, including navigating the politics of a backwater college. He felt the burden of providing for his family very deeply. My mom found she didn't like giving up her own teaching career to take care of little kids and being yoked to a closed-off Texas man who couldn't express his love in words.

Having been a rather spoiled child, she was used to manipulating emotions to get her way, and my father was completely defenseless on that ground. Whatever the argument, she had no doubt that she was right and he was wrong. She'd beg and whine and tell my dad what was wrong with him, all in front of us kids. We sided with her because he never had a counter-argument. How cruel he was (we thought) that he never told her he loved her! How unfair it was that he had all the power!

We kids (my brother and I) were implicitly asked to take sides in their war, and I sided with her. My dad tried to bond with me, but after age 6 or so we didn't have much common ground. I was hopeless at sports, very intellectually precocious, and extremely sensitive. My mom didn't understand me either, but it was easier to engage with her.

My dad didn't get the chance to help me become a man because he was killed at age 46, just as I was entering puberty. He stopped by the side of a freeway to help some people who had slid off the road in a snowstorm, and a tractor trailer plowed into the whole group at full speed.

Neither of my parents understood me or were able to care for me emotionally. Home was a refuge only in the sense that I was away from other kids. The older I got, the more I realized that I was a stranger to my own parents.

My parents loved me, never meant to be cruel, and gave me lots of praise. I have to give them credit for that. They also failed to protect me and nurture me properly to succeed in later life. They just weren't equipped.


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## max456 (May 4, 2011)

My parents have been married for 40 years this coming fall. I'm not married (mid 30's) and they've taught me a ton
Just by my paying attention. The most important lessons were 1. Your spouse is the family you choose not the family chosen for you. 2. This is a 1 way train - meaning you pick carefully and you are on the trip together for life. My parents have a constant ebb and flow of control between them, with each taking the lead on things they are stronger at. I only hope to enjoy the type of marriage they have
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> So, we have noticed many patterns and trends in the behavior of husbands and wives toward each other. Some are researched by universities, others more informal. We've read about some of them in books by Ph.Ds and counselors, and formulated our own set of terminology on this forum.
> 
> It's pretty easy to see the common parts of relationships of many couples on this forum.
> 
> ...


I think of it as a “behavioural inheritance”. We’re born with all sorts of automatic systems, breathing, reflexes like swallowing, emotion etc. but the non automatic part of our thinking mind is kind of empty. That is we come into the world with an empty brain. Children are the greatest mimics in life and in essence begin to fill their mind with the behaviours they witness, observe, adopt and copy from their parents. The behavioural inheritance. We also formulate “opinions” about the world and on these opinions somewhat unknowingly establish our core values and beliefs. The “You should do this” and “You shouldn’t do that” lessons we get from our parents. 

Fortunately later in life we’re able we’re able to work on ourselves, the self improvement phases many of us go through. On the other hand there are people that exist that never see the need to change.

In essence as far as marriage is concerned, the two partners bring with them the “behaviours” they witnessed and adopted from their parents marriage.

Bob


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Both parents are deceased and as horrible as it is to say they were truly grabbing at straws when it comes to being happy and just living life.

They slept in seperate rooms a for as long as I can remember, mom became a angry drunk like a light switch, Dad was cool chill have some beers the end of the day guy, my Dad used to tell my mom her tongue was like a Viper like poison when they got in a argument and he would shut down. Both were married twice!

I could write a book ........they were from a different time with different accepted norms.

All I can say is appearance and demeanor I am very much like my father. Extremely even keal.......extremely patient.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mine are still married 60+ years. Both in declining health now but they are still caring for each other. While on the whole the marriage was a good one to bring kids up in they had their strong and weak suits. Now in my 50s, I see how much I am like my father, proud of the good qualities he passed to me through genetics and the lessons he taught me. Some other areas, I hope I can do better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Mine are still married 60+ years. Both in declining health now but they are still caring for each other. While on the whole the marriage was a good one to bring kids up in they had their strong and weak suits. Now in my 50s, I see how much I am like my father, proud of the good qualities he passed to me through genetics and the lessons he taught me. Some other areas, I hope I can do better.


I feel the same way about my father. I’ve been staying with my elder son and his partner for three months. People comment how much we look the same and even have the same mannerisms. I see him as a more rounded version of myself and he’s stepped off into other behaviours I don’t have, it’s an absolute delight to witness. But he still has a little of my dark side but he’s working on that as well.

Bob


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## spottedzebra (May 12, 2011)

My parents have been married for more than 30 years now. My dad has not worked in at least 15 of those years, while my mom has worked herself to the bone to put her four of children through college. Because of the stress of her job, mom was always short-tempered and impatient. Seeing my dad's inability to hold down a job and his various business failures must also have rankled. I can remember many screaming matches, growing up.

From my mother and her interactions with my father, I learned:
- if you want something done, you have to do it yourself
- men are disappointing
- despite that, you do your best to stick with a marriage even though getting out of it is by far the better option

Sad but true...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My parents were war refugees. Lots of baggage. Their relationship was very old world and very codependent.


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