# Fiancé & I got into a huge fight. Wondering if I should just quit my job? How do I prevent arguments?



## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work. 
Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming. 
When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf. 
We talked the next day and he just really wants me to go ahead and quit because he can’t stand it. Doesn’t want his wife working in a bar getting hit on. Should I just quit? I’m just afraid it isn’t going to solve the issue. His father called me and gave me this big lecture on marriage and what it means. Now I’m wondering what exactly he told his father? I don’t want his family to think I’m just galavanting around town with random guys. His brother and I are pretty close we texted for a little bit and he completely agrees with my bf and tried to give me a guy’s perspective. His family thinking badly of me has really made me feel awful.
i just have a feeling this won’t really solve anything. I want to be in a relationship with the guy he is %90 of the time. I don’t know what I should do to avoid these awful fights that I can’t stand other then quit my job I guess. Is it really that big of a problem? Do you think me quitting would actually solve this issue? I have never cheated on anyone. It really hurts that he thinks I would or planning to or whatever he thinks. this is obviously a big issue for him, a lot of people agree with him so I feel really bad.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I mean, there are SO many other jobs are there not? But it does sound like he’s got some major insecurity going on and that’s something you can’t fix. 

If it were me, I would quit and see what changes before April, if in fact you’re all in on marriage and everything. I do believe he’s over reacting in the same token, but often times it’s about dying to self and being humble and choosing another profession should be enough. You’ll know soon enough if it isn’t. Good luck.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Just my personal opinion - I think you should very, very seriously reconsider marrying this person.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Leave. Break the engagement. Assuming you never cheated, he’s crazy possessive. You need a job that can sustain your needs. This relationship is toxic and not salvageable. He’s a borderline rapist.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If his family assumes you’re a ho, bad start.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I wouldn't be crazy about my GF or wife working late night at a bar, but what your BF did is unacceptable. His behavior in extremely controlling and bordering on abusive. You should seriously think about whether this is the kind of behavior you want to live with for the rest of your life. And remember, if you quit you will be dependent on him. Do you want to give him that kind of control?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would seriously consider dumping him. He’s insecure and he’s also incapable of talking no for an answer.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s going to blame you of cheating no matter what you do. Leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Vlf657 said:


> started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and *eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand *and starting throwing things.


I'll give you my honest opinion on what you've written ^^here.^^ This is how your bf handles his jealousy and his insecurity. It's neither mature or healthy. In fact, it's abusive. Since you are so in love with a man who has some fundamental insecurity about your job, you'll have to quit if you wish to remain in the relationship.

I will tell you this: Next time he gets triggered and goes into jealous or insecure mode - and, trust me, he will - be prepared for another round of screaming, throwing things, and manhandling you. This is how he rolls. Trust me.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You need to end the relationship.
I might understand his concerns about working as a bartender.
However the lack of trust (unless you are holding something back), coupled with his abusive behavior, and the fact that he has basically tainted the relationship that you have with his family is more than enough justification for you to do so.
It wasn't like you blew him off and he was worried.You called, were upfront with him about where you were going, and even offered to bring him food.
What triggered him about that? If he doubted you, all he had to do was ask you to bring him back an order of Hash Browns.
Quitting the job isn't going to solve anything. If not that, he will find something else.
Get out now before an exit really becomes complicated.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

This is not what any man should do to his lady! He has big issues and you are getting a taste of them. They say love is blind, but damn! Open your eyes and look at this. Do you think it's really going to get better? If this is a sign of things to come, maybe you need to call it all off till you are sure of what and who he is! Especially now that you can see how his family feels about you. Not good at all.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Don’t marry this guy


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re still very young. Rethink this. What you’re seeing is who he is and quitting likely won’t change things — not long-term anyway. Do you really want to be financially dependent for the rest of your life on someone who acts the way he does? He’ll promise you the moon if he thinks you want to move on but the reality of life with him will be very different.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

How many guys were in the group who went to Waffle House? Was one of them (if there were any) the person he accused you of being with? Do you have any idea why he's accusing you of this?
He sounds pretty volatile if there is nothing more to the story. That's not likely something that will lessen without you two working it out together and it will likely get worse after you're married if you don't work it out beforehand. I've been that suspicious guy but where there's smoke there's fire, in my case it just wasn't the 5 alarm fire that my mind created. Lies of omission had created that mindfuck. If he's completely creating the smoke in his head then that is a problem. It would be best if you got this squared away with him and if you can't don't get married. The getting physical is unacceptable ... hard stop.
What kind of bar do you work in (upscale, nightclub, sports bar, meat market, dive, etc.)?


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He’s going to blame you of cheating no matter what you do. Leave.


That was my thought. You can quit your job, find another, and then what will be the next behaviour he interprets as a sign you're cheating? Buying new underwear? Dressing up for work? Changing your hair colour?

His reaction to his suspicion was unacceptable, he needs some anger management classes to deal with his emotions appropriately.

I'd be putting a pause on the wedding plans.


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> How many guys were in the group who went to Waffle House? Was one of them (if there were any) the person he accused you of being with? Do you have any idea why he's accusing you of this?
> He sounds pretty volatile if there is nothing more to the story. That's not likely something that will lessen without you two working it out together and it will likely get worse after you're married if you don't work it out beforehand. I've been that suspicious guy but where there's smoke there's fire, in my case it just wasn't the 5 alarm fire that my mind created. Lies of omission had created that mindfuck. If he's completely creating the smoke in his head then that is a problem. It would be best if you got this squared away with him and if you can't don't get married.
> What kind of bar do you work in (upscale, nightclub, sports bar, meat market, dive, etc.)?


2 guys. No he never accused me and anyone specific. He asked who was there and I told him. I think when I’m gone, especially at work he comes up with scenarios in his head, drives himself crazy, gets himself worked up. Never cheated on him ever. Don’t hang out with guys. Bar is maybe slightly upscale. we live in pretty small town so we get everyone


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Honestly, after that I'd make IC for him a requirement for the engagement to continue. He needs help... He also needs to tell you what he told his parents, and straighten that out with them. Have you ever given him a reason to not trust you?


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Honestly, after that I'd make IC for him a requirement for the engagement to continue. He needs help... He also needs to tell you what he told his parents, and straighten that out with them. Have you ever given him a reason to not trust you?


What is IC? I have never cheated on anyone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Vlf657 said:


> Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
> I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work.
> Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming.
> When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf.
> ...


It won't solve anything because your man is overly controlling and suspicious. He put his hands on you and I think was crossing the line. I don't think you need to quit anything because of him because I don't like the way he handled this and think you need to really process what just happened because it's not going to get any better after marriage. Of course his brother would take his side. 

I'm afraid you're just now getting to see the real person. You don't really know a person until you see how they are when they're not getting their way. It was abominable of him to try to have sex with you after all that. I think this is a huge red flag that you better not ignore and that he likely won't change anything and that will only get worse because you may just be seeing the tip of the iceberg. I mean do you really want to be with someone who would behave like that for the next 40 years?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I would not ever seriously date and I would not even consider marrying someone that worked in a bar. I just simply do not believe in that lifestyle or support that industry. So I can understand your BF’s issue with that and he is actually more accepting as I likely wouldn’t even have a first date with a bartender. 

HOWEVER his behavior and treatment of you is over the top and a serious red flag of impending problems and even potential abuse. 

And my concern is it really doesn’t have to do with working in a bar. I think he may have some serious control and paranoia issues to where it really wouldn’t matter where you worked and he would still be inappropriately jealous and suspicious and controlling. 

I think this is an innate mental or personality and character issue with him and not actually an issue of your job location.

I would seriously reconsider the entire relationship.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Vlf657 said:


> What is IC? I have never cheated on anyone.


Individual counseling


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

* Vlf657*

You have many members here telling you to NOT marry this guy.
Better yet - get your own place and divorce any dependency on him.

He still has the mindset of a boy - very immature. 

Reread the posts here - you are dealing with to much of an unknown regarding how he will
act if married. Currently you should be seeing his absolute best in behavior. Instead - your words indicate to me he is close enough to physical violence and that should scare the mess out of you.

Add to the scary physical part - he treats you like trash (?!) and then wants to have sex.

Again - that should SCARE you.

GET OUT before you get your name on a police report.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Vlf657 said:


> 2 guys. No he never accused me and anyone specific. He asked who was there and I told him. I think when I’m gone, especially at work he comes up with scenarios in his head, drives himself crazy, gets himself worked up. Never cheated on him ever. Don’t hang out with guys. Bar is maybe slightly upscale. we live in pretty small town so we get everyone


He's not healthy mentally. You just don't marry someone if you don't have mutual trust. It would just be a life of misery.


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I would not ever seriously date and I would not even consider marrying someone that worked in a bar. I just simply do not believe in that lifestyle or support that industry. So I can understand your BF’s issue with that and he is actually more accepting as I likely wouldn’t even have a first date with a bartender.


see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Vlf657 said:


> What is IC? I have never cheated on anyone.


Individual counseling. He needs to get some help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


What those posters are saying is find another job — not for you to become financially dependent. That would be a huge mistake to do that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


You are missing the most important message from those posts, that you BF has serious issues and you should not make yourself dependent on him. In fact you should probably distance yourself from him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


You missed the whole point of my post.

He will act this way no matter where you are working or what you are doing. This is on HIM and is due to his character and his personality and mental status. Your job does not and will not effect his character and treatment of you. You could be the church secretary and he will still find issue and will try to keep you under lock and key and even then will still go into rages. And it will only get worse and escalate over time.

People are not urging you to quit your job. They are urging you to quit the relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vlf657 said:


> Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


Do NOT under any circumstances ever be financially dependent on him! (Or anyone for that matter). 

None of us here think you should even consider marrying him regardless of your employment status or where you work.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to leave this relationship. At the very least, do not marry him, do not become dependent on him, and do not have kids with him for a _long_ time (years). He needs help for this massive insecurity and they way he handles it. 

Chances are he will continue to get worse, not better - his behavior, his triggers, and the limitations he gives you. 

It's a job. There is nothing wrong with it. If someone wants to cheat, they will. If you were a nurse, doctor, teacher, personal trainer, and lord knows whatever else, people would say you are a cheating risk then as well. 

He is just insecure AF. You haven't cheated, but has someone else cheated on him?


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You missed the whole point of my post.
> 
> He will act this way no matter where you are working or what you are doing. This is on HIM and is due to his character and his personality and mental status. Your job does not and will not effect his character and treatment of you. You could be the church secretary and he will still find issue and will try to keep you under lock and key and even then will still go into rages. And it will only get worse and escalate over time.
> 
> People are not urging you to quit your job. They are urging you to quit the relationship.


Exactly what I’m afraid of. Glad I got some more opinions.


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

he was cheated on in his most serious relationship besides me


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many can’t trust after being cheated on. He may never get over that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I have a feeling even if you worked in an office environment, the day you're home later than expected, or the day you decide to go out for dinner with some coworkers, he'll likely accuse you of cheating, etc again. He sounds very possessive, and verbally abusive. Throwing things and getting his dad involved, what? 😔

You're not even married to him yet, this should be the happiest time of your lives. I get that he doesn't want you to work in a bar, but how he went about conveying that, is off the rails. And if he was cheated on before, he needs to get help for how to heal and not misplace that past hurt onto you and this relationship. 

I'd put the wedding/marriage on pause and think if this is really what you want your life to look like. Once you're married, it will be harder to leave.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

His friends and family are another serious issue. 

If he has people watching you and reporting back, they are going to eventually conspire to make your life miserable. 

And the fact that the father and brother are getting involved is especially concerning. If they are getting into your business and treating you like the town wh0re now, what do you think life will be like once you are actually in the family???

This really is a serious issue and not really about your job at all. 

If you acquiesce and go through with this, you will look back on this and realize you disregarded a major warning sign.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vlf657 said:


> he was cheated on in his most serious relationship besides me


Then he needs to seek treatment and address that before he gets involved in another relationship.

It’s inappropriate to mistreat and punish you for the actions of someone else.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Vlf657 said:


> I was texting him the entire time at work


Can I ask you a question? Were you texting him the entire time at work out of fear?


Vlf657 said:


> Called me a bunch of terrible names





Vlf657 said:


> grabbed my arms





Vlf657 said:


> starting throwing things.


All of the above is unacceptable -- you do realize that, right?


Vlf657 said:


> He came in later tried to be loving


My ex-husband once gave me diamond earrings after beating the crap out of me the day before. Abusive men are often loving after they've been abusive.

If I were in your shoes, I would end the relationship with this man. He sounds like he will be an abusive husband. Why do I say that? Because he sounds like an abusive boyfriend.

As for this:


Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit.


YOU'RE being unreasonable? Did I read that right? Honestly, it sounds like you're blaming yourself for his bad behavior, thinking you're doing something wrong, thinking it's your fault -- I think that's usually a pretty common way of thinking for a woman in an abusive relationship/marriage.

Look, if a guy doesn't like your job, he communicates that to you in a calm way. He doesn't do all of the stuff quoted above that he did to you.

What if your next job is in a department store and he doesn't like you helping men pick out clothing? Or you work in an office and he accuses you that you wear perfume to attract Steve from Accounting?

My opinion? Run, don't' walk, away from this man.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


Wtf? That's not what I see from these comments at all! What I see, and wholeheartedly agree with, is that you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

It won't matter where you work, a bar, a law firm, a hospital, he'll find something to obsess over and accuse you of cheating.

Do not quit your job, and for god sake do NOT marry him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Vlf657 said:


> he was cheated on in his most serious relationship besides me


So that's likely where this is coming from. He obviously hasn't dealt with that, and he may never get it under control.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’d nuts. Batty , leave. Count how many say to leave.

If you stay he will eventually beat you. Count on it.

Call it off


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> What if your next job is in a department store and he doesn't like you helping men pick out clothing? Or you work in an office and he accuses you that you wear perfume to attract Steve from Accounting?


It’s Kevin From Sales that you really have to watch out for, that guy is an animal! 

(Your post is spot on)


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It’s Kevin From Sales that you really have to watch out for, that guy is an animal!


LOL! 😂


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Vlf657 said:


> 2 guys. No he never accused me and anyone specific. He asked who was there and I told him. I think when I’m gone, especially at work he comes up with scenarios in his head, drives himself crazy, gets himself worked up. Never cheated on him ever. Don’t hang out with guys. Bar is maybe slightly upscale. we live in pretty small town so we get everyone


@Vlf657 
If you have done nothing to make him so paranoid you need to move on. This holds nothing but misery for you in the future. Read on here or anywhere else about abused women and the cycle of violence. I'm sure there are some on here who can advise you on that from experience. If he truly thought you cheated wanting to have sex with you was a control thing, not a love thing. He was either trying to "take you back" (hysterical bonding) or he was looking for 'evidence' that you had cheated on him. Neither one is acceptable. Rather he knows it or not he is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's so worried about losing you to another guy that he will lose you to his own controlling and abusive behavior. If you decide to leave or even if you don't, do not listen to his words watch his actions. He will bull-**** you that he'll never do it again but odds are against that. As far as the family being turned against you that is a no-win for you. Blood is thicker than water.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Can I ask you a question? Were you texting him the entire time at work out of fear?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well said. He is showing you who he really is and his jealousy and anger will get worse. What would you say to a friend if this happened to a friend?

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

Huge red flag! Don’t marry him. And if you do quit your job it only reinforces that he can treat you like this anytime he wants to control you. Next he will want you to ditch any friends and family you have so all you have is him. I’m shocked at his family are also encouraging his awful behaviour and basically telling you to shape up. If you marry him, this is only the beginning. This behaviour will progress.
I know you love him but the way he treated you is not love.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Working in a bar is relationship poison.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

You should reconsider that ‘boy’, he's not a good one no matter how much you want him to be. The behavior when you got home (calling you names, grabbing you, taking your keys, your phone, etc) is wholly unacceptable. That alone should make you walk away and not look back.

And do change jobs before you get the serious with anyone else. Bars are toxic to relationships. As others have said, I would never have a serious relationship with a bartender. It's too high risk for my taste.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Vlf657 said:


> i just have a feeling this won’t really solve anything. I want to be in a relationship with the guy he is %90 of the time. I don’t know what I should do to avoid these awful fights that I can’t stand other then quit my job I guess. Is it really that big of a problem? Do you think me quitting would actually solve this issue? I have never cheated on anyone. It really hurts that he thinks I would or planning to or whatever he thinks. this is obviously a big issue for him, a lot of people agree with him so I feel really bad.


Your job is not the issue. His lack of trust in you is the problem. Right now it's the job but later he will freak out because you went grocery shopping or spoke to your child's pediatrician. 

Without trust you can't have a marriage. Do not quit your job. Postpone the wedding instead. This man is not ready for marriage. He is too insecure & wants to control you. 

Get out of the bar business but do get another job. You need that to see that it's not about where you work. It's about him controlling you & not being capable of trusting you. 

You can't marry him at least not until he is the guy you need him to be 100% of the time. That 10% you don't like, will grow to 50% or more if you indulge his petty jealousy. Get out while you can.

If he's touched you & his family is spying on you, this will never work Eventually he will physically assault you. 

No, it's not common for men to react like this. I worked in bars from 18 - 24. Not one man I dated acted like this. Of course none of them enjoyed watching me get hit on, neither did my father, but they all let me handle it. I was flirty to a point for the tip but always kept the customer at arms length. As long as I did what you did -- let somebody know I was going out after shift -- it was all good. I tried to include my BFs when I did that which solved a lot of problems. 

His jealousy may stem from his EX cheating on him but that is no reason to punish you for her failures. He's got this all mixed up. 

Your life will be hell if you marry this jerk. Please reconsider. At least postpone the wedding. Push it back to April 2024 & force him through counseling individually & pre-marital counseling. If you marry him in 6 months, at some point you will be broke with kids desperately looking for a battered women's shelter after he puts you or one of the kids in a hospital. Think about that before you walk down the aisle.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You do know you don't deserve this right? Nobody deserves to be manhandled and a partner who is so insecure that they try and badger you into an angry bang when you've already said you're not interested. The throwing things? The jealousy and him getting his family to exert pressure when he doesn't immediately get what he wants?

People are the nice, honeymoon version of themselves before they get married. If you went through with the marriage, it would get much, much much worse. Take this from someone whose XH punched the walls after we married not before. Call this a wake up call. If you are unsure about what all of us have said, consider at least postponing the wedding until you are both sure. This is a big commitment. If you are unsure about deciding to leave, consider his reaction when you ask this. Also, please make sure when you have an ally there in the room in case he makes you feel unsafe.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


I don’t believe anyone is saying don’t work, we’re saying find something else instead. The majority is saying don’t marry him though.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I disagree with the advice for you to find another job. If you’re a good person with a solid moral set you can work anywhere you choose. If this job is what works for you right now then stay. The advice telling you to leave your job just lends support to the boyfriends skewed perspective, imo.

And this leads me to my next point. if you are a good person with a strong moral set then this proves your boyfriend either doesn’t see who you really are or he will never trust you regardless. Most likely both.

He’s not seeing you for the honest, faithful person you are. Think about that. What is he seeing instead? And word of warning, I’ve seen this next part before. He’ll tell you he’s been cheated on to gain your sympathy and use that to control you. If you are the kind caring type you’re going to fall for it hook, line and sinker. You probably already have. Think about that too. What else has he said that makes you feel sorry for him?

Last question. What is your gut telling you?



https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Resources/warning_signs.html


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## AzovSteel (6 mo ago)

At your age love is the same as drug addiction/alcoholism in early stages (2,5 years is an advanced early stage) - the good outweighs the negatives. Once you’re married/honey moon is over, and the drug/drink no longer is giving the rush it once did, you’ll be HORRIFIED at who the “love of your life” really is: hysterical, insecure, possessive, weak, “man”. It takes years and number of downfalls for people with such a character to change, that is if they ever.

Don’t quit your job - feeding the lion wont turn him into a domesticated animal. Start applying adult standards to his behavior, no passes, you’ll see how quickly he will fail!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think this is a blessing in disguise because you found this out about him before you got married. Being engaged is the period when you're supposed to be finding these things out but not everyone is that lucky. You now know you are involved with an abusive controlling man. The fact his brother agrees with him just tells me all this started probably in his childhood with his family not just from the experience he had with another woman. This type attitude is ingrained and you should not hold out hope that he can change. He might be sincere that he wants to change and tell you he can, but this type stuff has no quick fix. I really think you need to stay on course in your life and break off this engagement as heartbreaking as I know that is to you. Just be glad that you found out in time. If you had had a child by now you would be bound to this abuser for life. Don't let that happen to you.

You didn't do anything wrong. He is just sick.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Leave. Break the engagement. Assuming you never cheated, he’s crazy possessive. You need a job that can sustain your needs. This relationship is toxic and not salvageable.* He’s a borderline rapist.*


that is a whole bunch of baloney.

and let’s face it, who in the hell woujd even consider marrying a damn bartender?

that being said, big arguments can happen, but that kind of behavior and rage is something to be careful of. Might want to consider holding off on a wedding and you shouldn’t even consider having a baby until you’ve been with him at least a couple of years as his wife.

I think you should get a different job. If all you’re qualified for is bartending, consider getting some job training. I know bartenders can make some good money but that is not a job that’s conducive to marriage in my opinion. But that’s just me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You said in your post that you love this man to death so hearing this might be difficult. You have said you know that your boyfriend does not like your job because the men flirt with you. That right there should tell you something. You have done nothing to provoke his rage. There is no reason why you should not be able to go out after work with friends. Your boyfriend is a jealous, controlling person.....that is who he is. There will be NOTHING you can do to alleviate his feelings of suspicion. These are the type of men that usually become physically/ emotionally abusive. Women think they are being protective or they are showing their love for them by wanting them but this is about an insecurity in himself. Don't think you can change your behavior to please him or that you can reason with him. He might beg and plead and tell you over and over that he loves you but you really have to leave this situation before it gets out of hand.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vlf657 said:


> see that’s what I’m wondering. If this is common for guys and I just haven’t realized and I’m being unreasonabl. Everyone seems to agree that I should quit. Just hesitant to be financially dependent especially if we aren’t married.


 I body wants you to quit and be dependent. The consensus is to get a better job!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think the whole issue with bartending is a red hearing. 

He’s blaming the bartending and she is internalizing it and taking his word that that is the root of the problem - but it isn’t.

The real issue is he has issues and at present is pre-abusive. 

She could be the church secretary at a convent and would have an issue that a traveling priest may come along and try to get in her knickers. 

If he had a moral issue or really thought that bartending was an unsavory vocation, he would not have gotten involved with her in the first place. 

This is an insecurity and manipulation and control issue on his part and that will manifest no matter where she goes or what she does. 

This is about his character and emotional disorder and not about her job.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I body wants you to quit and be dependent. The consensus is to get a better job!


Her job is not the problem, she’s doing nothing wrong. AND this job may end up saving her ass because it’s the only job she has to support herself right now if she decides to leave.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> that is a whole bunch of baloney.
> 
> and let’s face it, who in the hell woujd even consider marrying a damn bartender?


I don’t think it’s baloney at all. I think it is a legit warning sign of potential threat.

Someone who is going into borderline violent, jealous rages for no definable reason making accusations of infidelity and assailing a woman’s moral character and then a moment later is trying to push a sexual encounter are the guys that have women chained up in their crawlspace.

Look past the words and evaluate the behavior - this is not about bartending or her job. It’s that he is a nutzoid and a loose cannon. 

He’s just saying it’s the bartending. 

If he actually had an issue with bartending, he would not have gotten with her in the first place. 

This is about his paranoiac, insecurity, control and pre-abusive behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Warning Signs of Abuse


Domestic abuse warning signs: Even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present.




www.thehotline.org





Here are some more, a broader more specific list:
*Some warning signs of abuse in the home or in a relationship include:*

*Pushing for quick involvement:* Comes on strong, claiming, “_I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone_.”
*Jealousy:* Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “_you might meet someone_.”
*Controlling Behavior:* Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to do anything.
*Unrealistic expectations:* Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
*Isolation:* Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of “_causing trouble_.”
*Blaming others for problems or mistakes:* It’s always someone else’s fault when anything goes wrong.
*Making others responsible for his or her feelings:* The abuser says, “_You make me angry_,” instead of “_I am angry_,” or says, “_You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you_.”
*Hypersensitivity:* Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.
*Cruelty to animals or children:* Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.
*Use of force during sex:* Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex.
*Verbal abuse:* Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.
*Rigid roles:* Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
*Sudden mood swings:* Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
*Past battering:* Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “_made_” him (or her) do it.
*Threats of violence:* Says things like, “_I’ll break your neck_,” or “_I’ll kill you_,” and then dismisses them with, “_I didn’t really mean it_.”
*Controlling behaviors using social media or technology: *Listen to the following PSA.

that was from Warning Signs of Abuse - Women's Advocates

Remember even one of these is abusive. Certainly doesn't have to be some or most of them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> Your job is not the issue. His lack of trust in
> 
> Get out of the bar business but do get another job. You need that to see that it's not about where you work. It's about him controlling you & not being capable of trusting you.
> 
> ...


Good advice here


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let’s talk about the bartending directly for a moment since the OP presented it as his primary issue (I believe that to be erroneous, but let’s discuss it) 

As I said in my first post, I personally would never date someone that was a bartender/bar maid/beer maiden/whatever you want to call it.

It’s not just the infidelity angle although that is a factor. I simply do not ascribe to that lifestyle or see it as an honorable profession and alcohol and drinking and hanging out in bars has no place in my life. 

My issues are not theological in nature although there are others out there that would see it as a moral and religious issue as well. 

So on that aspect, I do understand the BF having an issue with it. 

However I also believe that if he truly had some kind of moral or religious or lifestyle issue with it, he likely would not have been dating her in the first place if he was squared away and congruent with himself. 

This is like the guys that get with strippers and then have an issue with them dancing around nekkid infront of other men, it makes no sense and and shows that the men dating them are actually the disordered ones. 

So that brings me back to if this guy has such an issue that he is sending his friends into the bar to spy on her, bringing his father and brother into the fight, and going into semi violent jealous rages when she has a waffle after work with no actual evidence of cheating whatsoever - Why is he dating her and getting engaged to her and taking about babies and crap with her in the first place????

I don’t like the idea of being with a bar girl either so I have never so much as had a coffee date with one. So that’s never been an issue with me. 

So this isn’t adding up. 

He was ok to date her, have sex with her, introduce her to his friends and family, move in with her, propose to her and make plans of planting babies in her, but now he goes into a jealous rage when she has a waffle after work with some coworkers. 

Does this add up and make sense??? Do the pieces of the puzzle fit?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> You said in your post that you love this man to death so hearing this might be difficult. You have said you know that your boyfriend does not like your job because the men flirt with you. That right there should tell you something. You have done nothing to provoke his rage. There is no reason why you should not be able to go out after work with friends. Your boyfriend is a jealous, controlling person.....that is who he is. There will be NOTHING you can do to alleviate his feelings of suspicion. These are the type of men that usually become physically/ emotionally abusive. Women think they are being protective or they are showing their love for them by wanting them but this is about an insecurity in himself. Don't think you can change your behavior to please him or that you can reason with him. He might beg and plead and tell you over and over that he loves you but you really have to leave this situation before it gets out of hand.


They would be like this with any woman they were with. It doesn't mean they love you the most or anything like that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I body wants you to quit and be dependent. The consensus is to get a better job!


But by saying that, you are implying the job is the problem and that if she got another job that all would be well.

I don’t believe that it is the case. 

I think the problem is within him and that his behavior will will ultimately manifest regardless of her employment status and I believe would happen even if she were to be unemployed while with him.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Vlf657 said:


> What is IC?


IC is individual counselling, FOR HIM. Seeing a therapist about his insecurity. 



Vlf657 said:


> and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things.


I'm sorry but I need to tell you that if you came to see me, as a professional, and told me this, I'd be giving you a little card with the number of a women's refuge on it. Just in case.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

men have problems with working partners where alcohol and dating are common,

churches, nurses, dr, workplace, neighbors, teachers, hotels, markets, movies, mcdonalds, pizza, uber, amazon etc.

Relationships are experienced in every sector that you can think of,

Employees in these sectors are not humiliated, bar and club employees are humiliated.

this point of view does not change

It doesn't matter who you're with, cheating, getting married, getting divorced is personal, but if you work in a bar, you're the one to blame.

you will continue to deal with this problem, you will have problems in your relationships as a woman working in bars in the future


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They would be like this with any woman they were with. It doesn't mean they love you the most or anything like that.


Yes, I believe this behavior would manifest with whoever he is with and whatever job that woman may have. 

IMHO bartending is the scapegoat and not the root cause.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bygone said:


> men have problems with working partners where alcohol and dating are common,
> 
> churches, nurses, dr, workplace, neighbors, teachers, hotels, markets, movies, mcdonalds, pizza, uber, amazon etc.
> 
> ...


Let’s not point fingers at men.

A lot of women would not get seriously involved with a man working in a bar either. 

I personally have a pretty dim view of the bar industry myself so I am guilty of the bias you describe above.

But my point in this specific situation is that her bartending is a red herring and the real issue is with his insecurity and controlling and potentially abusive behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yes, I believe this behavior would manifest with whoever he is with and whatever job that woman may have.
> 
> IMHO bartending is the scapegoat and not the root cause.


Certainly, I mean he knew where she worked before this. He's just got big problems and likely always will have, no matter how perfect she tries to be. It won't change how he is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Let’s not point fingers at men.
> 
> A lot of women would not get seriously involved with a man working in a bar either.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it's his bad behavior, not hers or what she does for a living. He will probably cry and beg and swear he'll never do it again before this is all over. That's what all abusers do. They'll say anything to try to keep someone under their thumbs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Vlf657 said:


> he was cheated on in his most serious relationship besides me


That's not why he's like that. It's no excuse for abuse. For all you know, he may have imagined that whole thing too.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

bygone said:


> men have problems with working partners where alcohol and dating are common,
> 
> churches, nurses, dr, workplace, neighbors, teachers, hotels, markets, movies, mcdonalds, pizza, uber, amazon etc.
> 
> ...


How is it a problem if she’s faithful and honest?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Men are not humiliated as much as women.

There were times when I worked in bars to cover my expenses while I was in school.

I think it has benefited me in my personal development and bilateral relations.

In most business lines, people come into contact with one type of people, if you think about the bar environment, different statuses, backgrounds, characters come together in the same area and bond with you,


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bygone said:


> Men are not humiliated as much as women.
> 
> There were times when I worked in bars to cover my expenses while I was in school.
> 
> ...


I also worked in a bar for about a year. It's no different from waitressing. I mean, they also serve liquor in restaurants, at least where I live.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

sorry


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They would be like this with any woman they were with. It doesn't mean they love you the most or anything like that.


Exactly!


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I made a broad statement in my first post.

Cheating is personal.

The bar brings sexuality to people's minds.

because people go to the bar to have fun and some of them go to the hotel with the people they find at the bar.

People don't accept that the bar is the place of business, 

You're smiling at the bar but not having fun, you're making money, workplace rules are stricter.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Does this add up and make sense??? Do the pieces of the puzzle fit?


@oldshirt You make a lot of good points. A person who genuinely didn't like the bar scene would never have gone on a date with somebody in the business in the 1st place. It's a tough business. In hospitality, you are at work when everybody else has off & is out playing -- nights & weekends primarily. I was in the business in college & grad school because it fit my lifestyle then. I could go to school during the day & make a lot of money at night. Plus it felt a little bit like play. So it was fun .

People at bars like to flirt with the staff. There's an element of competition & "winning" if you are the one who gets to go home with the hot server who practically has the pick of the bar. The problems ensue when the customer / SO can't get over that part of the job is being nice to everyone. Calling people honey, sweetie or whatever isn't so much a term of endearment as an admission that I can't remember your name & don't really care but I have to say some greeting so you think you're special & give me a nice tip. 

The OP can't marry this guy because her job isn't the problem. She could earn a living doing anything but the minute she talked to another man he will hit the roof & probably her.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Break the job issue away from the abusive boyfriend issue. They are separate issues.
1) You need to kick the violent boyfriend to the curb ... period. Anything you do will be a problem.

2) If you keep on with bartending know that there is a decent percentage of men who won't be cool with that, so you're limiting your options for sure. They might not voice their concerns at the beginning (like your current boyfriend) but it will become a problem. That might not be fair but it is reality.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Vlf657 said:


> Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
> I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work.
> Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming.
> When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf.
> ...


When I met my wife, I was tending bar part time after my full time job. That job was so fun and entertaining; it acted like a de stressor for me. So a couple of years ago, our restaurant was short bartenders and I told my wife that I was going to fill in as needed. That didn't go over well with the old wifey. I understood that and didn't end up doing it. She also won't let me be a personal trainer part time and I love fitness and working with people. I understand that certain jobs may not be suitable for marriage. I also understand the other side of that: If you trust your spouse, then you have nothing to worry about.


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## Washashore (Mar 14, 2018)

One question. Was it just the two guys that you went out with? I feel like we are only getting part of what has been a long term issue. Flirtation is often part of bar environment. Period. Wouldn’t want my wife working in that environment, and she wouldn’t want me there. 

It’s ok for him to say this job isn’t ok. It’s ok for him to be upset that after working late you acted like a single person and went out with guys. It’s also ok for you to say that you don’t want those boundaries and don’t want to be with him. He’s allowed to have his boundaries and so are you. You are trying to skate between. 

We haven’t been given enough info to determine if he’s abusive. You had a fight and we’ve been given your side. You have the right to say, Nope, I’m not living this way. But I would have had a problem if my fiancée worked where you worked and then did what you did. 

You need to agree on boundaries or split up. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

There were 2 other girls who went with us. If I went to be a server at another place I think it would be the same. The only job I could do with similar money. maybe it’s a decent compromise but I doubt it. Thanks everyone.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Vlf657 -- there is no compromise with this guy. You could be a doctor & if you talked to a male college or treated a male patient, this guy would still lose his mind.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally, I see him getting very angry and violent and emotionally abusive as a major red flag, as is him running to his family telling tales on you. 
You are right in that it won't change anything if you leave your present job because unless he has you at home under lock and key, he will always find something to be jealous of and accuse you of. Even if you are trapped at home, he may accuse you of fancying the mail man.
Do you want to bring children up in such a toxic environment? With their dad exploding, calling their mother awful names and throwing objects around? It's not a nice place for them to be, or you and it won't get better. In fact, once you are married it will probably get worse because he will feel he now owns you.
I would call the wedding off and get out. He is paranoid and dangerous.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Vlf657 said:


> I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it.


Based on ^^this^^ I know you are going to marry this man. You'll also have kids with him. What I've learned from living this long is people learn from their own mistakes. Sure, you'll consider what people are telling you here, but it won't factor into the final equation.

I would advise you consider not crossing that bridge when you come to it. The bridge is already right in front of you. By that, I mean if you start cranking out kids and have no means to support yourself, you'll likely have challenges finding a job in the future. And, no matter how "in love" you are now, I can tell you that things won't look so rosy when your paranoid partner starts acting up and acting out.

Are you capable or qualified for something other than bartending? You may want to look into receiving training and/or education to do something else.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

23 years old. If you were my kid I’d tell you to lose the abusive and controlling guy, have fun with your youth and keep bartending until you figure out what you want to do with your life. You like him 90% of the time right now, but by the time you have several kids and are locked down with this guy, you’ll like him 0%. That’s a guarantee. 

Contolling abusers aren’t created in a vacuum. It makes perfect sense why his family is on board with him doing this and trying to intervene in your life. You can expect to get calls and texts about your parenting, choices in friends and what you feel like making for dinner in the future. 

But being that you’re 23, you’ll likely not want to listen to anyone about this right now. I hope you will at least reconsider having children with him for at least 3 years after you’ve been married. Your brain will be fully fused and matured by then and maybe you’ll see things much, much differently.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Not said:


> How is it a problem if she’s faithful and honest?


I just saw your post, sorry for the delay.

Having worked in a bar is enough for people.

they don't look for proof, bf friends have seen her smiling at men in the evening, that's enough, in most cases bf friends even try to flirt with her.

If she worked in a bar, they think she must have experienced alcohol, drugs, and a lot of men. std risks, many men in reserve, etc.

I can not say that these did not happen, most employees have relationships, relationships are optional.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Vlf657*

I hope you have looked over this post and read what is at the URL:



minimalME said:


> Just my personal opinion - I think you should very, very seriously reconsider marrying this person.





Not said:


> I disagree with the advice for you to find another job. If you’re a good person with a solid moral set you can work anywhere you choose. If this job is what works for you right now then stay. The advice telling you to leave your job just lends support to the boyfriends skewed perspective, imo.
> 
> And this leads me to my next point. if you are a good person with a strong moral set then this proves your boyfriend either doesn’t see who you really are or he will never trust you regardless. Most likely both.
> 
> ...


Suggestion: Make a list of the topic/behaviors listed and then ask yourself if your roomate has the trait. 
A couple - be on guard

MORE than a couple - time to halt the relationship especially the points mentioned by several posters regarding getting physical with you and being unable to contain anger.

FWI - I'm a really old fart and have seen several couples in my life span so far that had to experience what you are experiencing. Sorry to say - the poor woman suffered badly and the relationship was killed by the male spouse. People here are telling you - you are walking on thin ice or worse. Take YOUR TIME and back off - cancel your living arrangement. Indefinite hold on marriage! My step-daughter does what you do and, at one time, she was a pole dancer as well.
She NEVER got touched by any customer and the bouncers made sure she was always safe and she never had to walk to her car alone after closeting. She did the work as she was supporting 4 kids! BY HERSELF~! She is a 5' 2" terror! I have no idea how much she makes - but she is buying a nice house and supports a deadbeat "spouse." 
Point I want to make is the job is NOT the problem - people with loose morals work in schools/hospitals/retail stores and factories everywhere. I say discount anyone who claims where you work is a recipe for loose moral behavior. 

To reiterate:
Back off on your ties to this guy - he is a disaster.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bygone said:


> but if you work in a bar, you're the one to blame.


Hahahahaha NO SHE ISN'T. He is.

No one would be saying that if she were a doctor, nurse, pilot, flight attendant. Those industries are rife with infidelity. 

Her job is not the problem. Her controlling, abusive boyfriend is.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Vlf657 said:


> Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
> I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work.
> Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming.
> When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf.
> ...



Highly advise you to end things permanently with him.


He's very insecure and controlling.

Abusive, manipulative, etc...

His family doesn't even like you.

He tried to get you to have sex with him after you told him no.



A job change won't appease him..

Nothing ever won't.

There will always be accusations, and his insecurities on full display.


This isn't a healthy relationship. It's very unhealthy and toxic.

It is highly likely that he will start physically abusing you...in time perhaps worse.

He's already has you blaming yourself for everything and making himself a victim...along with his family. (They will be forever in his side)

You should not stay, marry, or ever conceive children with this person.


You've stayed too long as it is.


Highly advise you to dump him. You'll live to regret it.


Go to therapy and counseling.

You have very low to non existent self worth and esteem.

If you knew your true worth and thought highly of yourself, this shouldn't be a question.


You would know that you need to dump him and do so.


You don't.

Therefore,

You're asking around, and still considering marriage despite everything.

He's very insecure, and controlling.

You and nothing you do will ever be good enough for him.


Don't continue to ignore the red flags smacking you in the face.


There's billions of people out there.

You can do better than settling for someone you shouldn't be with and someone who's trying to control you.


You can find someone who will treat you right and adore you.

Also, if you truly like your job, don't quit.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Vlf657 said:


> whenever we get pregnant


What kind of a father do you think this man would be? How do you think he would treat you, the mother of his child(ren)? If he is abusive and controlling right now while you are his girlfriend, imagine what it could be like once you are his wife and a mother.

I'm married for the second time and very happy. I got married the first time when I was 19, almost 20. My parents married me off (I was forced into agreeing to it). He was abusive. That marriage ended one night with police taking photos of my blood splattered on the snow on my front lawn.

But this post isn't about sharing details of the abuse throughout the marriage, but I do want to tell you about a time when my first born was a newborn:

I had a C-section and my son was about a week old at the time. My ex-husband was sitting on the couch with our newborn sleeping in his lap and I was hurrying by to get to the washroom. The ex asked me to pass him the baby socks that were on a nearby table. I tossed the socks to him and went down the hallway to the washroom.

The next thing I knew he slammed me against the hallway wall (it cracked) and had me by the neck. He punched and slapped me and screamed in my face that I "hit the baby". He accused me of hitting the baby with the baby socks that I tossed to him on the couch. Do you know how lightweight newborn socks are? I made sure he got the socks after I tossed them to him and one sock landed on the couch and the other sock landed partially on the baby's leg and partially on the ex (baby was in ex's lap).

After he beat me up, I noticed my PJs were soaked. Some of my C-section stitches had burst open and fluid/blood was leaking out. I went to the hospital in a taxi and got re-stitched in the E.R. The ex gave me hell for leaving him alone with the baby.

After the marriage ended, I went to therapy. I was told that the sock incident was not only abusive but also an abusive controlling mind game the ex played on me and I was assured and reassured that I did nothing wrong. One day in therapy it really sank in that I was married to a sick man and I was astonished all that I had lived through.

This was VERY hard for me to share.

But, I typed it out so hopefully...maybe...possibly you can avoid making mistakes, mistakes that might make you live through what I did.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Vlf657 said:


> Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
> I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work.
> Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming.
> When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf.
> ...


Hi there! 
I'm sorry to hear about your big fight. Before I got married, I considered becoming a bartender in addition to my day job. My then-boyfriend (now husband) said hell no, and I decided not to go through with it. I think it's something most men wouldn't like, and I get it. 

BUT, I'll say this. I believe he tried to have sex with you to make sure you 'didn't cheat'. He figures if you have sex with him, then you couldn't possibly have cheated. Dumb I know. Also, what I don't like, is that he is telling his family your private stuff, as if they should have any opinion in the matter. They shouldn't really know anything, especially when it's one-sided. His father has no right to an opinion in your relationship, and quite honestly, I think that's a huge red flag. Your fiance also seems to think he can control what you do, and while I get the bartender thing, is he controlling in other ways? 

I'm not trying to encourage you to break up, but you better have a good look at this person and an honest conversation with yourself before you go through with this marriage.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Vlf657- Him running to his family to gain their support for his cause is not only another form of dominance but it’s image control as well.

It does two things. It makes him look like a victim and gains him empathy and backing but it’s also the beginning of a smear campaign to control your behavior. If he can convince everyone that your the big bad guy when he misbehaves you can’t get help. No one will believe you. He’ll already have everyone convinced you’re a nutcase/crazy. It’s designed to silence and isolate you.

If you want to know for sure, beyond doubt, what you’re dealing with challenge/push him. Continue the discussion on this latest incident paying special attention to the abusive aspects of what happened. His response will tell you what you need to know. Just have your phone with you at all times in case you need to dial 911.


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## Vlf657 (2 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> What kind of a father do you think this man would be? How do you think he would treat you, the mother of his child(ren)? If he is abusive and controlling right now while you are his girlfriend, imagine what it could be like once you are his wife and a mother.
> 
> I'm married for the second time and very happy. I got married the first time when I was 19, almost 20. My parents married me off (I was forced into agreeing to it). He was abusive. That marriage ended one night with police taking photos of my blood splattered on the snow on my front lawn.
> 
> ...


thank you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Lots of things to think about here:

The problem, as said by others, isn't your job, it's his jealousy. That's a him problem, not a you problem. You can't fix it by quitting, all that will do is make you vulnerable to economic control. He knew you were a bartender when you got together; if he didn't want to be with a bartender, he shouldn't have dated one in the first place. Instead, he's trying to bully you into quitting.

He doesn't trust or respect you. That's no basis for marriage.

He got aggressive, grabbing you, calling you names, etc. For going out with colleagues after work, and keeping him in the loop about it? It can only get worse from there.

He got his family on his side to try to browbeat you into compliance. Guess we know where he got this bullying and controlling nature from.

And lastly, he wanted sex after believing you had cheated and fighting with you because he wanted to reclaim his territory. That tells me he objectifies you as a possession instead of considering you as a partner.

I have trouble believing he's 90% good when he's capable of this. I think if you zoomed out and took off the rose-coloured glasses, you would see other examples of this kind of behaviour.

As others have said, you are young, and still learning about what a good relationship should be. The fact that you worried enough to find us and come here asking about the issue tells me that you recognize how serious it is. It's going to be scary, but I really do advise you to step back and reconsider marriage to this guy.

You prevent arguments by getting with someone who knows how to respectfully disagree, communicate with you without trying to abuse, control or outnumber you, and trusts you to manage your job.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Just saw someone link this in another post and wanted to draw your eye to it. You may want to give each item serious consideration in your relationship.

warning signs of abuse


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Vlf657 said:


> Boyfriend/fiancé(26m) and I(23f) have been together 2.5 years. I love him to death. Most of the time things are really good, we have our problems sometimes though. We are getting married in April.
> I am a server/bartender. He has never liked my job. Doesn’t like guys who have been drinking, the flirting and all of that. I don’t really blame him but it paid my bills before I met him. I am planning on leaving whenever we get pregnant or after we get married. I have no reason to just stay at home though. Going to cross that bridge when we come to it. I would not and have never crossed a line with anyone from work.
> Few nights ago I had to work later then normal and went to Waffle House after we closed with a few coworkers. I don’t normally go but did this time. I was texting him the entire time at work and told him what I was going to do and asked if he wanted anything. I thought everything was fine but I guess the entire time he was fuming.
> When I got home we got into a huge argument. Worst fight we have ever had. Accused me of being with a guy, lying about where I was. I thought I was coming home to my loving bf but started getting screamed at as soon as I walked in the door. Called me a bunch of terrible names and said things he has never said to me before. Wanted to know if I had been drinking, went through my phone, and eventually grabbed my arms and took my keys out of my hand and starting throwing things. I eventually just started getting ready for bed and laid down. He came in later tried to be loving and have sex. Told him I’m not having sex right now and asked him why he would even want to have sex with me if you think I was with another guy a few hours ago. I won’t get into all of the details but that made him really mad and he really tried for a good 5 minutes but we didn’t end up doing anything. Really didn’t like he was so visibly angry at me and trying to have sex with me at the same time, kind of freaked me out tbh. That started the argument right back up again and he acted like it was unfair of me to bring up? (Wtf) his counter point was this was further proof I was somewhere or doing something I shouldn’t have. He has a friend that comes in regularly and I know he basically spies and reports back to my bf.
> ...


Be a housewife. It's a good job if your fiance Is a high value man. If not, run away. Get a job that makes $270 a day. Get what ever training to get that. BTW, no boyfriend is going to allow you to have a job with too many men around. The propensity of chance of you cheating is too high.
Us men want a woman to ourselves. Especially a high value, beautiful one, of lower age for children.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

David60525 said:


> Be a housewife. It's a good job if your fiance Is a high value man.





David60525 said:


> BTW, no boyfriend is going to allow you to have a job with too many men around.





David60525 said:


> Especially a high value, beautiful one, of lower age for children.


I think I just stepped out of the DeLorean and it's 1955.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

David60525 said:


> Be a housewife. It's a good job if your fiance Is a high value man. If not, run away. Get a job that makes $270 a day. Get what ever training to get that. BTW, no boyfriend is going to allow you to have a job with too many men around. The propensity of chance of you cheating is too high.
> Us men want a woman to ourselves. Especially a high value, beautiful one, of lower age for children.


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