# Hi



## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

Hi everyone.

I don't have anyone I can talk to so I am here to let it out a bit.

This is embarrassing. I feel ashamed. I hurt inside.

4 years ago I caught onto my wife of 7 years at the time having an affair with a 24 year old security guard at her work.

she was 34. I was 37.

I was pissed. But really, I was devistated. I remember punching though a wall yelling to my self inside, "it'll never be the same."

I've never been so hurt. I'm not exactly a great looking guy. I have an overbite, I'm kinda tall and lanky. I don't turn heads or have a great butt or really anything. But, I'm a good guy. 

I should mention adding to the hurt was the fact that I had stayed at home a couple of Fridays in a row so my wife could go "out with friends". We had three kids and we work hard. We had a house and we weren't rich but we were not poor. She wasn't out with friends. She was with him. I was home alone with the kids. 

Anyways, here we are 4 years later and things can still put me back in the moment of fear when I suspected and found out about the affair. Things remind me of it.

He was a good looking kid and she gave herself to him. She was my favorite person - my wife - my buddy.

I don't trust her. She keeps her facebook private and deletes history. I have really never seen a concerted effort from her to gain my confidence. Only a "sweep it under the rug" and forget about it mentality. She swears she has never done anything like that with anyone ever again. 

We have three kids. I came from a broken home, I never wanted to be in one. Now I think it is impossible to avoid.

Rationally, I would tell anyone who gave me all the details of my own situation to move on. Emotionally, I'm stuck. Don't want to leave - can't find trust.

I suspect she stays with me just for the kids sake. She is pretty. She has gotten prettier with age. She says she got picked on in school for being overweight. She lost it but I always thought she was beautiful. 

As for my part in this, I've read enough to know that she probably had unfullfilled needs. But, I was also her second marriage. She also plays this game where she crys wolf to a person/group about how another person/group picks on her. I guess all the times I was being supportive, I never thought she was also doing that to me. It explains the odd looks I would get.

I'm so hurt. Thank you for listening. I wish I could undo this and have this never happen to me or anyone else. I wish people who would cheat would first have the character to end the current relationship. The damage they do to people who care/trust them is massive.

I didn't deserve these feelings. I feel ashamed and worthless.

I'm thinking I should have paternity tests done. I'd like the peace of mind that the kids are mine. I know better days can be ahead, I'm just having a hard time seeing how I get there. I'm resentful that I think this pain will never fully go away.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If she isn't transparent such as hiding her Facebook and deleting history, how do you know she's not having another affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

keko said:


> If she isn't transparent such as hiding her Facebook and deleting history, how do you know she's not having another affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I would think she knows.

If the roles were reversed I would work at being transparent.

Rationally, I know where I should go.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

hurtingbad said:


> She swears she has never done anything like that with anyone ever again.


Ever again or ever as in the past?

If she meant the past, I would highly suspect of her having a few more rodeo rides in the past just because she mentioned it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

hurtingbad said:


> I know. I would think she knows.
> 
> If the roles were reversed I would work at being transparent.
> 
> Rationally, I know where I should go.


You know as in you've verified it or just going by what you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

I know that the lack of transparency means she is not willing to do what it takes to give me back some security. I know it means a part of her is hidden. I know it represents a divide between us.

Also, I know that wanting to prove everything is ok by having total access can wear on the relationship and me. I know that all the passwords in the world won't prevent another affair.

I also know I don't want to be distrustful for the rest of my life. It takes a toll on a person to worry.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Your wife is only rug sweeping this because you are letting her, hence you are also rug sweeping it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did she ever went to counseling or therapy as to why she threw away her marriage for a 24yo? What did she do/is doing to change herself as to never let that happen again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Really sorry to hear this. Don't do yourself down, u have a pretty woman....did?.....and there is nothing wrong with you! Nothing. Don't allow yourself to lose yourself through this woman's actions. This is no reflection on u and is her problem entirely. And don't u forget it. Do yourself a favour and think 'what next....where do you go from here' . You do not need someone shi*tting on you in your life. You can do better.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry for your pain. But you must insist on full transparency or the marriage cannot continue. A marriage needs to be built on love, trust and respect. Sounds like you are missing 2 of the 3 components at a minimum. You are at a cross roads. If you want to keep the status quo, leave things alone and take what you can get from her. If you want to get your self respect back and want a fulfilling marriage, then you need to confront her with your concerns and establish clear boundaries and transparency. You can tell by the way I worded my response that I'm biased. But in the end, the choice is yours.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sorry that you are in this dilema.....
She sounds manipulative to me.
She knows that she has full control of you, because of your insecurities.
But you have provided her with a good life.

You said that she lost the weight and has become more 
"beautiful with age ", whilst at the same time talking down yourself...
It sounds like you have given up on your ability to keep her.

But I will tell you a little secret.
Keeping her is not just only about looks.
Its also about how you handle situations like these.
Its time to regain control,for too long you have basically given her permission to walk all over you.


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

I'd like to gain back some self respect.

Keko, she did. She tells me that after a coupld of months of therapy she told her therapist what I was really like - the me being a good supportive guy and such - and tells me how the therapist was confused by the change of description. Why she tells me this or if its true I do not know.

Thnx remains, Plan - you're right. And that is what I would tell someone if they told me my story.

I don't even like myself when I'm so upset and wishy washy. It is not the usual me. I just have had a hard time finding my feet through this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Income wise who earns more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sorry that you are in this dilema.....
> She sounds manipulative to me.
> She knows that she has full control of you, because of your insecurities.
> But you have provided her with a good life.
> ...


:iagree:

perfectly summarized.

Why did her first marriage end by the way?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

The person that you're married to is not a person at all. Are you the primary provider for the family? 

Pack up and leave. Leave her with the kids. Go to a relative or a good friend. Don't call her, and don't answer the phone. Get new bank accounts and transfer your money, and get a shark lawyer and get her divorce papers as soon as you can. Surprise her, scare her.

*I need to be clear about this--- you need to do these things even if you want to reconcile with her*. 

You need to be as cold and ruthless as possible to this woman. And brace yourself for the possibility that the children are not yours. I am so, so sorry that you're in this position. This woman is nothing but a spoiled brat, and you deserve better. 

Make her pay. You need to get angry. Right now.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

How long was the affair? And what are the ages of your kids?

Also her not doing the things you need ie passwords etc makes it seem like she doesn't believe you would leave so why do it. You can't bluff a wayward.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No More Mr Nice Guy
Start living for you, be selfish. Don't be so predictable, reliable.
What a bout going to the gym? What about taking care of your appearance?
Married Man's Sex Life
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 ebook


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

Well thnx everyone. Just typing this out has been helpful.

Someone asked about pay. We've alway been about neck and neck. Currently she is a bit over 100k while I am a bit below.

Am I letting myself be walked on - yes I think I am and I pretty much made the conscious decisions to do it so I could be with the kids.

Are they all mine. I don't know. It gnaws at me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You can find paternity test kits at most pharmacy's. They're usually a cheek swab and you mail the samples.

Start reading these, No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you put a keylogger on her computer so you can find out what she is up to before you confront her? It would be wise.


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

Keylogger and pat. tests. Gawd I hate that I have to think about these things.

Someone asked about what I did for myself.

I mentioned I have an overbite. I'm almost a year into braces - lots of movement. 

I'd like to hit the gym more but I have my own consulting company and extra time for that is limited. I;d rather just play in the yard with the kids. They grow so fast and they are so fun at these ages.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

HB, you sound like a good guy & a good dad. 

I know from experience, that you need to find your own way with this. Only you can make the decisions that need to be made. But you will get lots of great advice and references on this site and others. You will get to understand yourself and your CW a lot better. It's amazing how cheats are very similar: their values, morals, choices they make. As you learn this, it should help you to come to the right decision for you. 

There's no rush, but stay focused on what's best for you and your kids. Don't back down. Don't be too trusting and don't rush into reconsiliation (R) too soon. Good luck & stick around.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Did she even wear a condom with that guy? Std test sounds like one of the steps to go. As Elegirl said, a keylogger could be hardware or software, hardware = usb, plug it in between the keyboard wire and the usb on the computer, or a software, install it. Make sure you don't do it on a company computer, thats illegal. It records all the strokes on the keyboards, so she can log on to her email and her facebook, and you can look at the record file and get all her passwords etc.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

And make sure not confront her right away. Process whatever you read, think it through or even post here to get out advice then confront accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Hurting bad
*Get someone to help you get strong enough to get the hell out now!!!*

You will be a LOT better if you get out now and have a chance to build yourself backup. You will be in pain for a fw mnths but it will stop the deterioratuion that is happening to you.

When you get away from her (NO CONTACT) and get help to build yourself up you will stop the deterioration and you will start to improve. *That will be much better for your children and you.*You will not be able to be a strong man and father with you allowing the deterioration that you described below:




> Quotes by hurtingbad
> 
> *I don't trust her*. She keeps her facebook private and deletes history. I have really never seen a concerted effort from her to gain my confidence.
> 
> ...



Don’t back down because of the pain; the pain will be temporary as you get away from her and start your recovery. *If you stay with her you will be trapped, a rug to be stepped on and very bitter.* Your wife is NOT what gives you value. You are what gives you value so get rid of her and begin to heal so you can have a much better life.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, first thing you need to do is love yourself as you are. Continue to make improvements but start feeling good about yourself. Chances are you're not as unattractive as you think you are.

You sound like a really good man and there are plenty of women that would love to have you. I'm sure you can think of many cases where the not so good looking guy got the girl. Hell, the Beast got Beauty; that grotesque Phantom of the Opera got the girl; and ugly-ass Shrek got Fiona (before she became an ugly ogre herself.) In real-life, DiMaggio got Marilyn; Jay-Z got Beyonce, etc. Granted, some of these guys made up for their lack of good looks with superstardom and a huge bank account; however, I'm sure that you know average guys that got the good looking girl. (Come to think of it, you're one of those guys -- and if you did it once, you can do it again.)

Also, keep in mind that beauty is only skin deep. You want to find a woman that loves and respects you. Clearly, your wife does not. You rugged swept her affair(s?) and now she knows that there are no consequences for her cruel actions. Is this the kind of woman that you want to grow old with? Are you proud to tell people that she's your wife?

She doesn't appear to be very remorseful and I suspect that she will do this to you again in the future (if she's not already doing it.) Good luck.


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

I'm so glad I don't know any of you.

I feel good getting this off my chest and reading the support and advice but I have to say - I feel embarrassed that I got cheated on even though it is coming into view that this wasn't my fault or a reflection on me but I don't know - just when you get cheated it makes you feel less than human.

Anyways, thnx.

I'm sleeping downstairs tonight. She didn;t try to get me upstairs and I think she is tired of the subject. I think this marriage stays together for as long as I keep my mouth shut and don;t bother her. 

At least I get to be with the kids each day and see them resting in their beds at night. 

Isn't the right thing to do that I should just carry this burden and be there for my kids regardless of her and her actions. I'm not really sure I believe that but it is what has kept me here so far. In hindsight, I wish I left the day I found out.


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Is this the kind of woman that you want to grow old with? Are you proud to tell people that she's your wife?
> 
> .


No. I wanted to grow old with my best friend of a wife. That is not happening here.

And no. I feel embarassed.


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## hurtingbad (Aug 1, 2012)

FWIW - we separated a short while.

She had the kids. They came over with me and I took them out for some fun - I hadn;t seen them in about ten days.

I remember her yelling shortly thereafter - I should have left and been the "good time parent".

I know what I am dealing with I guess. Problem is I am trying to play both sides - find some way to keep it manageable so I can keep the family together but not lose my soul or self respect.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Your reasons are sound, but your choice of action is not. What good does it do you to be miserable, unloved and unhappy? It doesn't sound healthy to submit yourself to that torture, and I don't think your kids should be raised by a man in constant sorrow. Sure, you get to be with your kids, but at what cost? You're going to make yourself sick. 

Divorcing her doesn't mean you can't be a part of your kids lives. Hell, she's already screwing the time you spend with them. It's never too late to stand up for yourself and pursue your own happiness.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

hurtingbad said:


> At least I get to be with the kids each day and see them resting in their beds at night.
> 
> *Isn't the right thing to do that I should just carry this burden and be there for my kids regardless of her and her actions.* I'm not really sure I believe that but it is what has kept me here so far. In hindsight, I wish I left the day I found out.


You obviously came here because you're hurting (hence your screen name.) If you think keeping your mouth shut and doing nothing to better (or dissolve) your marriage is best for the kids you have another thing coming to you. Kids are very perceptive and they will know that you and your wife aren't happy. The tension and the resentment that you will build up over the years will be stifling.

I won't pretend to know what's best for you but what is your end game? Are you planning to stay in an unhealthy relationship until the kids are finally off to college? Is this the kind of dysfunctional relationship that you want them to emulate?

I know that you're hurt and scared of what the future holds but don't stay married 'just for the kids'. They'll resent this when they get older.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of hurtinbad*Isn't the right thing to do that I should just carry this burden and be there for my kids regardless of her and her actions. I'm not really sure I believe that but it is what has kept me here so far. In hindsight, I wish I left the day I found out.
> 
> know what I am dealing with I guess. Problem is I am trying to play both sides - find some way to keep it manageable so I can keep the family together but not lose my soul or self respect.



*You should not depend on your thinking in this situation. Look at what has happened in the last several years with your tolerations and misguided thinking. Read your own words below:*



> *Quotes by hurtingbad*
> I don't trust her. She keeps her facebook private and deletes history. I have really never seen a concerted effort from her to gain my confidence.
> 
> I wish people who would cheat would first have the character to end the current relationship. The *damage they do to people who care/trust them is massive.*I didn't deserve these feelings. I feel ashamed and worthless.
> ...


*Stop with the martyr and noble man bit! Your children will be much better off without a father that is ashamed, feels worthless, distrustful, and wish washy. Stop fooling yourself by using your children to m not stand up and get better.*


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Stop with the martyr and noble man bit! Your children will be much better off without a father that is ashamed, feels worthless, distrustful, and wish washy. Stop fooling yourself by using your children to m not stand up and get better.*


Perfect username for the advice 

OP, would you advise your son/daughter to live as you are if they grow up and find themselves in a similar position?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurtingbad said:


> I'm so glad I don't know any of you.
> 
> I feel good getting this off my chest and reading the support and advice but I have to say - I feel embarrassed that I got cheated on even though it is coming into view that this wasn't my fault or a reflection on me but I don't know - just when you get cheated it makes you feel less than human.
> 
> ...


No. The most important thing we do for our children beyond basic essentials of life is to be the role model they will start their lives with. Meaning being a cuckold and doormat as a father is a very bad example for children.

Actually being this submissive to her is no guarantee that you will get to hang around with your kids.

They need a strong father.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hurdingbad,

I have been there.
Most of us.

Don't think your wife's unfulfilled requirements have led her astray. There is no perfect man and there is no perfect woman. Okay?

Dont beat yourself up for what she has done. 

I think your fault was in rug sweeping her affair 4 years ago. 

Grow strong now. Man up.

There is a link on "just let them go" under LordMayhem's signature. Please read. Imbibe.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I'm sorry to have to say this but your wife sounds like a c*nt and you are enabling her to remain so. Now is the time to get out if you have to. Kids will be much better with divorced but happy parents.There are much better women than her. You are stuck in a abusive relationship. You know it but won't do anything about it. You are scared of change. And how do you expect things to change ? 

You need to take control of things or else, expect to remain miserable for the rest of your life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Your story is similar to another member here whose username is _cantthinkstraight. _ His wife used to leave him at home with the kids while she went to bang the other man [OM]. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45612-wife-12-yrs-cheater-2-kids-need-help.html

You sleep downstairs?
She's tired of the subject? 

She will not respect you if you don't man up while letting her decide when and how to talk about the subject. 
I'm afraid it's too late to regain her respect now.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

and Hurtingbad, keep coming back here.
These guys will give you great support and advice.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

hurtingbad said:


> I know that the lack of transparency means she is not willing to do what it takes to give me back some security.


No, lack of transparency usually means the affair is ongoing.

Providing your passwords after you cheated is a reasonable, simple, and not really embarrassing action. The only reason to keep secrecy in spite is that you don't want your spouse to see what you're up to.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

hurtingbad said:


> FWIW - we separated a short while.
> 
> She had the kids. They came over with me and I took them out for some fun - I hadn;t seen them in about ten days.
> 
> ...


And your response should have been "You already are the good time parent. The only problem is you were having a good time with the f'ing security guard and not me!!!"

It is never too late to take back your life and marriage Hurting Bad.

Stop being embarrassed. Life is too short.......


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you bought the books yet? MMSL and NMMNG 

You need to know how this happened and what you can do.

But number one is you have to man up and fight for a happy family.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I say start your exit plan! start gathering evidence now as I believe she is still cheating or the possibility is very strong that she is.

you soud like a smart guy, have your own consulting business and all.
start putting money in a shoe box and collecting as much evidence as you can. consult as attorney know your rights as a parent. go totaly under ground with this and make it your goal to get away from her with you having coustdy and her only getting visitation.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

hurtingbad said:


> I'm so glad I don't know any of you.
> 
> I feel good getting this off my chest and reading the support and advice but I have to say - I feel embarrassed that I got cheated on even though it is coming into view that this wasn't my fault or a reflection on me but I don't know - just when you get cheated it makes you feel less than human.
> 
> ...


This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. She's clearly not doing enough. 

I'll tell you what, not being there with your kids every day is rough...but you get used to it. It won't be the same relationship, it will be different, but it can still be extremely rewarding and for the kids and you. Perhaps moreso than staying in a bad marriage where you're this unhappy. 

Start reading some of the books and info posted above. And make some positive changes for you so that you re-gain the confidence you need to demand yourself and those with you to give you a happy life, or be gone. If she won't work on the issues...issues she created, it is time to start pulling back. Then keep pulling back further and further until you're either done with this, or she makes the real efforts needed to pull you back in. If she won't, what kind of life do you think is in store for you with someone who won't fight to keep you when you're clearly on your way out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hurtingbad said:


> Well thnx everyone. Just typing this out has been helpful.
> 
> Someone asked about pay. We've alway been about neck and neck. Currently she is a bit over 100k while I am a bit below.
> 
> ...


This part at least is easy to resolve. Just go to Walgreens, get an off the counter paternity kit. Mail it off. Don't say a word to her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't think he's coming back.


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