# Nice Guy Syndrome vs Not-so-nice wife



## Meriter

I have made a few random posts about my situation on the general forum, but I wanted to write one LONG post describing my situation in detail. I'm fairly sure there is no easy answer to any of this, but please feel free to give your opinions/advice. Maybe it will help me or someone else in a similar situation...

My wife and I have been married about 5 years. We have two kids.
Our troubles seem to stem from me not getting the attention and support that I need. I've asked her, and she has no problems with the marriage as it is. NONE.

She works full time and i work part time though i have been laid off now so i am the stay at home dad. I take care of the kids all day, do the housework (dishes, laundry, cleaning up, etc). 
(i only include this because women tend to always assume that I am not pulling my weight and thus the relationship problems). 

I also sell my original artwork from the house.

Things were never great in this marriage for me, but I trudged along until one night when I was getting ready for one of my art shows. Naturally i was excited to get out there and show my work off but my wife was pouting about the house so I asked her what was wrong. She said said she didnt want me to go to the show (she DOES always want me to stay at home). I asked her why because it was something i wanted to do and to my shock (and horror), she said: It's just a waste of time anyway.

Now I admit we're not getting rich off it yet, but I only started 2 years ago and I've sold several paintings. ..and besides, she knows I enjoy it. 
I was upset and told her that but she never apologized to this day. when I bring it up, she sticks by her feelings and says something like: fine, then i just won't tell you how I feel from now on.

I never got over that, but we moved on until one night she told me that she told her friends at work that (and I quote): "although he isn't attractive, he treats me good" (referring to me).
When she told me it was actually meant as a compliment. Like I was supposed to be grateful that she told her friends that I treated her good.

Things changed for the worse after that. 

Before those two comments, my biggest issue with my wife was that she never could compliment me. I asked her about it and she said that she didnt' like doing it and that her parents never complimented each other and they were fine.

I guess I was seeking acceptance and love, but mostly I certainly didn't expect to find it where I did. I added a girl i used to like in 7th grade on facebook and things kind of got out of control with both of us.

We met a few times secretly but never slept together. 
My wife noticed me chatting to her and asked me about it and I was honest the the point where I admitted having feelings for her.
She asked how that was possible and I explained to her all the reasons why and what was missing from our marriage.
None of this was new though. these were things I had been bringing up for years, but she never paid attention until there was a threat I guess.

She promised to change if I stopped talking to this girl from my past. So we didn't talk for over a month, but nothing at all changed. I could say things even got worse.

We were talking about moving into a smaller house and getting rid of stuff and my wife said we can get rid off alot of stuff in there (pointing at my art room) which offended me and we scuffled about.

The other night she wanted to take the kids to show a new coworker and she introduced them but not me as I stood there like a retard. The conversation went on like i wasnt even there.
It was just typical stuff.
I brought it up on the way home just hoping maybe she'd say "oh, sorry, i didnt think of it." but NO. 
It was "oh my god! who cares! why do you want to meet her anyway! I think she figured you were my husband!"

am i way off the wall in be offended by all of this?
Am i really asking for too much??

Her best compliment to date is "you look nice", but i think her most frequent compliment has to be "who are YOU trying to look nice for??"
I seriously don't think I have EVER EVER EVER heard her say I look hot or sexy or anything like that.

People have said she is keeping me down because she has low self esteem herself. ...that I am too nice and she no longer respects me because of it... 

Is that it? What do I really have to look forward to in the marriage besides watching the kids grow up? Should I stay? Should I go?
Argh!


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## nice777guy

I think there is definitely a lack of respect.

You had an EA - may not have been the best idea, but it sounds like you've move on. And I could see where your artwork could be a problem IF she feels its keeping you from getting a "real" job (real meaning something that's acceptable to her - I'm not judging, dont' know anything about art). 

But even then, she just sounds like a real jerk.


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## D8zed

"Nice guy syndrome" is exactly right and sounds like you have a bad case of it. Sorry to say this but all the issues you described start with YOU. You are seeking and needing her approval and when you don't get it, you feel bad. You want respect but I don't think you respect yourself.

Go to Amazon, your local bookstore, or your library and get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy". If you will work on yourself and become a 'real man' again, you will have a much better chance at fixing your problems.


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## Deejo

Lack of respect is a poison pill.

She doesn't respect you, and insisting on it at this point doesn't gain you much.

I second D8zed's recommendation. Get the book. There are others as well. Think I'm going to post a number of 'Man up' titles this evening.

Behave and conduct yourself in a manner that _you_ approve of. Set boundaries and limitations. Don't invite your wife to nut-punch your self-esteem when you know damn well that is what she is going to do. And when she does, decide on an appropriate response - and telling her that she hurt your feelings is not amongst the responses you should consider.

Changing your 'nice guy' behavior patterns changes the game - without question. But you must be aware that 'change' does not necessarily equal 'fix'. Your relationship stands to become a possible casualty - or will rise like a phoenix from the flames.


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## Meriter

Thanks guys, I heard of the book, but I was wondering about reading it here at home. I know that is more passiveness, but I can just see her bringing up the book every time i stand up for myself or after any change she notices in me. 
like a 'did the book tell you to do that' remark. 
Wouldn't it work better if she thought I had changed on my own and not based on a book?
I'm going to embarrass myself here somewhat and list the things I've noticed that I did that made me hopelessly passive:

*Let her not pay attention when I spoke without saying much about it
*let her order for me at the counter of fast food places (in my defense, I usually am the one getting the kids situated while she orders, but it is no excuse)
*I speak softly, always have
*I dislike doing to drive-throughs, so even though I was driving, she would lean over and place the order from the passenger seat
*I've even allowed her to pick out clothing for me before (though certainly not always)
*We go back and forth undecided when trying to pick where to eat, or what movie to watch or what to cook for dinner

Changes I've made:

*I call her out each time she doesnt listen to me
*I make decisions and it is up to her to tell me she doesnt like it (dinner, movies, etc)
*I dont let her tell me what to wear or when to cut my hair (like she loves to do). 
*I dress nicer than I did before
*I order for myself or for everyone at times

having said all of that, nothing has changed as of yet on her end and I dont expect it to. Just today she told me I couldnt meet the family I've never met in England because she wants to go somewhere else.


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## Meriter

nice777guy said:


> I think there is definitely a lack of respect.
> 
> You had an EA - may not have been the best idea, but it sounds like you've move on. And I could see where your artwork could be a problem IF she feels its keeping you from getting a "real" job (real meaning something that's acceptable to her - I'm not judging, dont' know anything about art).
> 
> But even then, she just sounds like a real jerk.


Thanks for the response. I guess I failed to mention that I am also a full time student. I graduate next month with a degree and have been searching for jobs. 
I tend to think that the painting things could be jealousy because she 'has no talents to speak of' (her words).
-that and she seems to hate it when I'm happy.


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## MEM2020

You never mention the most obvious measure of relationship health - your sex life. If it is good/very good then she is into you. If it is bad/very bad then she is not that into you/does not respect you that much. 

Does she resent having to fully carry the family financially?




Meriter said:


> Thanks for the response. I guess I failed to mention that I am also a full time student. I graduate next month with a degree and have been searching for jobs.
> I tend to think that the painting things could be jealousy because she 'has no talents to speak of' (her words).
> -that and she seems to hate it when I'm happy.


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## D8zed

Meriter said:


> Thanks guys, I heard of the book, but I was wondering about reading it here at home. I know that is more passiveness, but I can just see her bringing up the book every time i stand up for myself or after any change she notices in me. like a 'did the book tell you to do that' remark.
> Wouldn't it work better if she thought I had changed on my own and not based on a book?


You don't need to tell your wife about the book. I made the mistake of telling mine and she basically laughed at it and at me. She just thinks it's about a bunch of screwed up chauvinist guys who go around saying "I need to find my balls".

Do it for yourself regardless on her opinions.


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## Meriter

MEM11363 said:


> You never mention the most obvious measure of relationship health - your sex life. If it is good/very good then she is into you. If it is bad/very bad then she is not that into you/does not respect you that much.


Sex is fine I think. I make sure She is satisfied at least a few times before I am each time. ..I'm not sure of what the normal frequency is but we're probably at once per week I guess on average.
In bed, I am the one who does all the work and take charge, but it isn't like that in day to day life. that's for sure.




MEM11363 said:


> Does she resent having to fully carry the family financially?


Yes. But she also didnt want to stay home. This was her idea in the first place. She also didnt want the baby in daycare until she was 1. so....


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## nikon

Meriter, I too am married to someone who doesn't understand my creative nature. I am a designer and he is an accountant. He doesn't understand nor appreciate my talent/love for what I do and it's a big problem for me. I also don't get any compliments from him either, although strangers and friends give me compliments all the time. We've been together for 6 years and I'm happy we never had kids as we are now considering separation. I truly believe that people like you and me need a partner that fully understands and admires (and accepts) us as we are - being a creative person is not always profitable in this world but it is who we are and it's our way of life. Also, if she can't even let you enjoy the things you love, then she doesn't deserve you. She is being manipulative and selfish. I always thought when you loved someone you let them do what they love doing... and their happiness makes you happy. I still believe that. Sadly, opposites attract, but her real colours are showing now, she obviously doesn't think much of your paintings and is not willing to support your passion, love. I think that is a big indicator she does not really love you, and she is only with you because you are "a nice guy" but not "the right" guy.


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## D8zed

nikon said:


> I always thought when you loved someone you let them do what they love doing... and their happiness makes you happy.


Someone forgot to tell my wife about this. She just considered me foolish and unhappy whenever I wanted to pursue something that made me happy. Very, very disappointing.


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## Meriter

Wow aren't we sad, sad stories! LOL
Nikon, thanks for the post. Hearing from someone in a similar situation is a big help. 
To be honest, my paintings aren't that bad. As I think I mentioned I have sold some and I DO get compliments from everyone who isn't married to me.
They are good enough for local businesses to want to hang in their shops, so...
I don't know if it is really about the money, or about jealousy, or about her own insecurities, or WHAT, but I can tell you I am tired of it.
We had another discussion the other night and she admitted that she isn't the type of person to show support or to give out compliments and that I should find someone who will be willing to do this because that is what I need.
I didn't argue those points. 
The next day though she was trying to be nice to me by cuddling and all of that and I wasn't buying it. 
She is refusing to change, but expecting me to just keep living with it


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## FLIPPER1966

MERITER: SHE SLIPPED UP THE DAY BEFORE BY SAYING AND I QUOTE:"that she isn't the type of person to show support or to give out compliments and that I should find someone who will be willing to do this " 
ITS BEEN SAID THAT WOMEN FOR SOME ODD REASON LOVE DRAMA . SHE GOT CONCERNED BECAUSE OF THE ONLINE THING WITH THE OTHER WOMEN. SHE MAY BE AFRAID OF LOOSING YOU HENCE THE , QUOTE: "The next day though she was trying to be nice to me by cuddling and all of that " LET IT APPEAR AS THOUGH IF SHE DOESN'T STRAIGHTEN OUT THAT YOU MORE THAN ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO AS SHE SUGGESTED. QUOTE: "and that I should find someone who will be willing to do this " . IN A WAY BOTH NIKON AND YOUR SPOUSES ARE BEING MANIPULATIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO YOU FOR WHAT EVER REASONS. 
A CHRISTIAN POINT OF VIEW MAY BE THAT ANYONE TRYING TO CONTROL ANOTHER IS THE SAME AS WITCH CRAFT
SHE EXPRESSED HER OPINION QUOTE: " We were talking about moving into a smaller house and getting rid of stuff and my wife said we can get rid off alot of stuff in there (pointing at my art room) which offended me AND PREVIOUSLY YOU SAID SHE TOLD YOU THIS QUOTE: ';I asked her why because it was something i wanted to do and to my shock (and horror), she said: It's just a waste of time anyway." SHE'S SHOWN NO RESPECT IN NOTHING YOU DO INCLUDING THIS, QUOTE: "The other night she wanted to take the kids to show a new coworker and she introduced them but not me as I stood there like a retard. The conversation went on like i wasnt even there.
It was just typical stuff.
I brought it up on the way home just hoping maybe she'd say "oh, sorry, i didnt think of it." but NO. 
It was "oh my god! who cares! why do you want to meet her anyway! I think she figured you were my husband!"" 

DAH SHE WANTED TO SHOW THE KIDS OFF TO THE COWORKER AREN'T YOU AT LEAST WORTH MENTIONING SAYING ANYTHING EVEN QUOTE : THIS IS THE GUY THAT treats me good. THEN ADDING INJURY TO INSULT QUOTE: "I brought it up on the way home just hoping maybe she'd say "oh, sorry, i didnt think of it." but NO. 
It was "oh my god! who cares! THIS IS THE MAJOR PROBLEM SHE DOESN'T CARE . END OF STORY


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## Powerbane

Meriter - For the co-worker thing - uhm - was there something wrong with your mouth? Did it not work that night. 

Stop feeling all offended about what she did or did not do. You as a man shouldv'e stepped right in in front of your wife and kids and introduced yourself. Hey - How are you - I'm the studly, talented artist husband to this troll. 

It was up to you to lead when she failed at the intro. If she wants to get all pissy about you asking her - let her - you should not have even asked to be introduced. 

Take charge - Get the NMMNG book. 

Let this petty crap flow off you like rain on a tin roof. If she has a problem with it - its her problem


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## forumman83

I also recommend David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man". Get it and read it immediately.


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## anchorwatch

The OP hasn't been here since 1/10


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## grenville

Meriter said:


> Things were never great in this marriage for me, but I trudged along until one night when I was getting ready for one of my art shows. Naturally i was excited to get out there and show my work off but my wife was pouting about the house so I asked her what was wrong. She said said she didnt want me to go to the show (she DOES always want me to stay at home). I asked her why because it was something i wanted to do and to my shock (and horror), she said: It's just a waste of time anyway.


Assuming that's an accurate description of what happened then she's clearly a total b1tch. Tell her to get stuffed and leave right away I say.


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## grenville

anchorwatch said:


> The OP hasn't been here since 1/10


Sigh, caught out again!


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## TheWhipping

It's simple, your wife is a complete ****ing *****... for what ever reason - who cares? She may have been innocent at one point but now, because of her repeated disrespect for you (which by the way is a slow form of murder), her offenses have piled up to the sky.
She despises you (for what ever reason - usually something pathetic) and wishes you were more sexy, but on the other hand, she doesn't want you to be attractive to other women either. This is actually a form of hell - being stuck in a position where you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
Do you enjoy this hell? There is no happy answer to this dilemma. The only choice you need to make is how long you will endure it.
I know it's easy for me to say because it's not me, but listening to this story makes me want to punch your wife right in the eye. Maybe after it heals her eye might be able to see a little better, or better still, she'll be blind in one eye - forcing her to drop this duality.... you know.... being double minded. Her eye will be single which means no more inner conflict. She either loves you or she doesn't. Because she is dual, she can't make up her mind. This is why you can't make up yours. She is projecting her problem on to you. That which you feel is what she should be feeling.... only she refuses to feel it.... Yet it must be felt either way by someone .... That someone is you. Do you like being that someone? Or would you prefer to be someone else? Pretty simple really.... Good luck.


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