# Husband hid his past from me



## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

I recently made a huge discovery about my husband's past and I'm hoping to get some advice about how I should deal with it. Between the lies, deception, and showing himself to not be the great guy I thought he was, I'm pretty unsure right now if I even want to stay with him.

Background - we've been together for about 4 years, married for just over 2 years. We have a 20 month old son together. And yes, if you've done the math, you know I was already pregnant when we got married. The pregnancy was not the reason we got married but it did move up our wedding date.

I was 23 when I met him and he was 28. He was and is my only serious relationship since my high school boyfriend, and my husband told me he'd been in several relationships short term but never anything serious or for more than 6 months. Until recently, I had no reason not to believe him.

A couple of months ago, he got laid off from the company he's been working for since before we met. He made pretty good money there (he's an engineer). I'm a part time college student and I work part time as the assistant manager in an independent clothing store. So without his income things are pretty tight right now, we bought a $140,000 house just after we married and the monthly mortgage payments are pretty high. He has always handled all the finances so I don't know too much about where the money goes. I've never seen his pay stubs or even our taxes other than to sign them. I trusted him to take care of it.

Well, about a week ago I overheard him arguing with someone on the phone. He was telling them that he'd lost his job and couldn't make "the payments." I was obviously concerned as I thought maybe he was talking to the bank about the mortgage. So I asked him about it and he told me not to worry he had it all under control. I wasn't convinced but he didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. Until 2 days later we got a call when he wasn't home, and some strange woman told me to "tell J I don't care if he lost his job or not, if he doesn't pay up on his full child support I'll see him in court." 

I told her I thought she had the wrong number because my husband didn't have anyone he was paying child support to. She proceeded to give me proof, in detail, that he had been paying child support to her for longer than I'd known him, for their 3 Kids together! She told me they'd been together since he was like 16 years old and that they'd lived together for several years after high school. They had 3 kids one year apart from each other. She also told me he'd never once visited them since he'd walked out on her about 5 years ago. Her timeline for his leaving her had it happening only a matter of months before he started dating me. So much for his story about no serious past relationships!

I was in shock when I got off the phone. I went to his office and pulled out the files with his pay stubs that i had never looked at before (he didn't know I knew where he kept the key to his file cabinet). Sure enough, wage garnishments to the tune of $800 a month as far back as he was keeping the files. And yes, I'm aware I was something of a fool for never once asking him to show me our financial paperwork. Lesson learned.)

When he got home that night I confronted him.i was so upset I was almost hysterical. How could he have kept from me that he had an ex and 3 kids that he had basically abandoned? Not to mention that our son has 3 half siblings my husband apparently never intended to tell him about? And what kind of man just leaves his kids and makes no effort to see them for 5 years?

He's tried very hard to put it all on his ex. Told me he found out she was cheating on him, had been cheating on him for years. He doesn't want to see the kids because he's not sure they are his. If that's the case, why not DNA them and end the child support payments? Or fight for partial custody if they were his? I asked him if he had any idea how much he had probably emotionally scarred those kids and he said his pain over her cheating was all he could think about when he left and by the time he'd recovered enough to face her she'd gone to court and gotten full custody on grounds of abandonment and he couldnt see the point in fighting for kids that might not even be his.

He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!

I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.

I told him I needed time to think and process all this and the baby and I are staying with my parents for now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Yes on the DNA, don't have any more kids with him, this is a horrible deception, you have grounds for an annulment, get a polygraph if you intend to stay married.

Tamat


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WOW. Just, wow. This is absolutely a divorceable offense, in my opinion! Like you I cant decide which offense is the worst, lying to you this whole time or walking out on his children! Either one shows a character that most of us would not choose to be/stay with. I know personally, I could not live with this. I am so sorry you are here.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel terrible for all children involved in this. 

If they are his children, he has a responsibility to help support them. 

He also had a responsibility to be honest with you, before you were married. 

I'm sorry for this revelation. Were I in your shoes, I know I could never forgive such a deception. Also, it says a lot about his character. Was he hoping to just wipe the slate clean and try again with you? It's a horrible thought and leaves his existing kids in the lurch. It is also VERY disrespectful to you.

Kind of irks me actually. It was a very selfish move.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am


This is a guy who hid his whole life from you. Of course he things you are making a big deal. He sounds like a sociopath. Staying with someone like this is a terrible terrible risk.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It would be IMPOSSIBLE to overreact to this! Holy crap.... the gall.....


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You have a good reason to be concerned. You say, you are not sure this is worth leaving him over? I don’t know. Think about this. He had three children with this woman. He probably told her the same sweet nothings he tells you. They had a love life together. People like to feel they are special, I get it. But, individually, I don’t think we are all that special. What am I getting at? If he did that to her, why won’t he do it to you? Because what you two have is special? See where I going with this.

Not a big proponent of divorce. Too much of a painful experience from what I’ve read, heard, and seen (but never experienced, thank God). However, I don’t know how you will be able to trust anything he says after this discovery. You have to wonder, when you two reach the three children mark, will he do to you like he did to her?

Maybe you can talk to the baby mom. Find out what their relationship was like before he bailed on her. See if you see similarities in your own relationship. Then you’ll know without a doubt the same fate awaits you. It’s the best I can tell you. I personally think it is moot at this point to even second guess that he will do you the same as he did her. I only recommend this course because maybe it will give you some semblance of mind you move on with your life.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In general I think someone's past before marriage is their own business, but not if that past has major present day effects, and his does.

He absolutely should have told you that he was supporting children - that is important both financially and in terms of time commitment. I don't think he needs to tell you about his past marriage - all you would get is a biased view anyway, but he has commitments that affect you. 

If he really thinks the kid's aren't his, then he should have them DNA tested, but I expect he would have already done that if he wasn't sure. 


I don't know what to recommend now. It was an unacceptable omission on his part to not tell you about this.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

He wasn't married to her. Which seems strange to me considering he proposed to me after only 8 months together and HE was the one who insisted we move up the wedding date after we found out I was pregnant. He didn't want the baby to be born illegitimately. Yet he already had 3 illegitimate kids?

He swears he really loved her and the kids and that he only left because he was "seriously f'ed up" by the discovery that she had been cheating on him for so long that there was a good chance that none of the kids were his. He says he loved his kids and if they weren't his he didn't want to know. But if he loved them as much as he says surely he would have fought to stay in their lives! 

His reasoning makes no sense to me and even if it did I don't know if I can get over the deception.

I do like the idea of contacting the ex and getting her side of the story. Of course I have no way to know if she is lying to me either. But honestly if she is raising my son'a half-siblings then I want to get to know her because I can't have any more kids so they're going to be the only siblings he will ever have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

These are huge secrets to keep and he's keeping them for a reason. If the breakup of his prior relationship was his partners doing (are you sure that they weren't or aren't married?), then why keep it secret? If the kids weren't his, why not DNA them to find out for sure? He just sounds like a con man. 

I don't know how you'd ever trust him again, but you should demand full transparency. Also, I'd start digging more if I were you. There's a good chance the lies don't end here.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Just been reading the $10,000 savings thread. Scares me half to death. It's bad enough that he's unemployed right now, at least he should be able to find another good job with his background. If I leave him now I will be a single mom with a part time low income job. As I understand it, his older kids get first dibs on child support so what he would have to pay me would be calculated based on what he's already paying his ex. And as long as he's unemployed he won't be paying anybody much of anything. I'm only 7 months away from finishing my Masters degree at which point I'll hopefully be able to get a job in my chosen field but at its best it's not a well paid field. I can't live with my parents for much longer as I don't feel that it is fair to them to have to support us. Perhaps I should have asked him to leave our house temporarily instead of me being the one to leave, but I was afraid if I asked him to leave he'd stop paying the mortgage. I have to hope he'll keep paying it as long as he is living there.

The other thing that scares me is that I moved out almost a week ago now and he hadn't made any attempt to contact me since 2 days after i left. I know I asked him for some space to think about this, but it already feels like he is distancing himself from us. After how he treated his other kids, it's hard not to worry when he's made no attempt in this past week to see our son. I just don't get it. He's been such an active, involved, loving father. In fact I've had other women tell me how lucky I am to have a husband who so obviously enjoys spending time with his child!

My dad made a comment to me that it seems to him that my husband simply isn't a fighter. He just quits when the going gets tough. I suppose if that's truly the case I'm probably better off without him. I'm just not ready to make that decision yet.

As far as doing more digging - what am I supposed to be looking for? The other woman also told me they had never been married during our phone conversation, and I don't see any reason why she would have lied to me, unlike him I can't see why she would have any reason to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Loss of trust equals loss of respect which equals divorce. Think about what else he is hiding from you or will hide from you in the future if you stay.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is a dead beat dad, and that is putting it mildly. He is also a ticking time bomb. Just like he left and abandoned his other 3 kids. It will be extremely easy to leave your poor baby behind too. That is what dead beats do. Men are not the only ones that are dead beats though. 

Try to protect yourself and your child. You cannot afford to go back to this guy. That bomb will explode in your face. Finish school. Take out loans or whatever you need to do to get your degree and earn a better living. Your first mistake was being very trusting of a man years older than you. He had to have had a past, most do!

Your second mistake is thinking that you can't leave him. How can you afford not to? You built your marriage and a partner for your child on very shaky ground. You can't afford to stay there as it is already crumbling beneath you. Why would you want to fall down deep in that pit? 

You dodged that bullet. Don't go into that hole willingly ever again. Stop feeling bad for imposing on your parents. That is what family is for. You and your child need that stable, safe haven. They understand!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Go home, demand transparency & the truth. Work towards your degree. Gradually get yourself to the point where you can be financially independent of him. 7 months is nothing; it'll go by in a blink of an eye. Once you reach the point of being independent, then you can make a decision rationally instead of being based on anger.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> He has always handled all the finances so I don't know too much about where the money goes. I've never seen his pay stubs or even our taxes other than to sign them. I trusted him to take care of it.


Not a good idea :wink2:



> Well, about a week ago I overheard him arguing with someone on the phone. He was telling them that he'd lost his job and couldn't make "the payments." I was obviously concerned as I thought maybe he was talking to the bank about the mortgage. So I asked him about it and he told me not to worry he had it all under control. I wasn't convinced but he didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. Until 2 days later we got a call when he wasn't home, and some strange woman told me to "tell J I don't care if he lost his job or not, if he doesn't pay up on his full child support I'll see him in court."
> 
> I told her I thought she had the wrong number because my husband didn't have anyone he was paying child support to. She proceeded to give me proof, in detail, that he had been paying child support to her for longer than I'd known him, for their 3 Kids together! She told me they'd been together since he was like 16 years old and that they'd lived together for several years after high school. They had 3 kids one year apart from each other. She also told me he'd never once visited them since he'd walked out on her about 5 years ago. Her timeline for his leaving her had it happening only a matter of months before he started dating me. So much for his story about no serious past relationships!


It seems he was trying to elevate your position of importance to him, for reasons of impressing you and also by trying to erase a parental/financial/emotional history that might make him a less eligible bachelor.



> I was in shock when I got off the phone. I went to his office and pulled out the files with his pay stubs that i had never looked at before (he didn't know I knew where he kept the key to his file cabinet). Sure enough, wage garnishments to the tune of $800 a month as far back as he was keeping the files. And yes, I'm aware I was something of a fool for never once asking him to show me our financial paperwork. Lesson learned.)
> 
> When he got home that night I confronted him.i was so upset I was almost hysterical. How could he have kept from me that he had an ex and 3 kids that he had basically abandoned? Not to mention that our son has 3 half siblings my husband apparently never intended to tell him about? And what kind of man just leaves his kids and makes no effort to see them for 5 years?


This is one of those things that I urge women to strongly consider. There is plenty of single mom bashing that goes around, implying character flaws, rather than seriously considering the runaway fathers.

It just isn't enough to consider having children with someone that one fell in love with. Individuals fall in love with losers all the time. The criteria for that "in-love" feeling isn't that stringent. We have to, then, inject an emotionally intelligent response, evaluating the objective reality of the future. There *are *signs that would lead one to reasonably suspect that xyz man is not a suitable candidate for sperm delivery (at the time).



> He's tried very hard to put it all on his ex. Told me he found out she was cheating on him, had been cheating on him for years. He doesn't want to see the kids because he's not sure they are his. If that's the case, why not DNA them and end the child support payments?


Don't leave open-ended questions. Rest your mind and matter on the facts, not question marks.

"He could and should have verified paternity."



> Or fight for partial custody if they were his? I asked him if he had any idea how much he had probably emotionally scarred those kids and he said his pain over her cheating was all he could think about when he left and by the time he'd recovered enough to face her she'd gone to court and gotten full custody on grounds of abandonment and he couldnt see the point in fighting for kids that *might *not even be his.


His suspicions don't fall in line with the fact that he felt it reasonable to pay child-support.



> He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!


Others, especially his partner, deserve to know. It is disrespectful (at minimum) to keep this concealed. You deserve the right to have chosen to not date him. You deserve the right to make the financial commitment to his previously conceived children. You deserve the right to decide whether you tie your credit to this man. You becoming upset is not an excuse for not disclosing his past. Someone that cannot disclose the truth, because it would hurt others' feelings is not a selfless act of empathy>sympathy, it is a selfish act, meant to limit his emotional discomfort.



> I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.


His present actions don't support his case very well. That doesn't mean he can't change. 



> I told him I needed time to think and process all this and the baby and I are staying with my parents for now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.


You have to lay out reality to him, and let him choose his destiny. The current path just has him being selfishly defensive. Nowhere from your post was it obvious that he is using empathy>sympathy to realize the impact that his actions have had on you. He only used empathy to engage in a selfish conspiracy to protect his image and feelings.

I advise you to not drag an apology out of him; that'd be disingenuous and you'd not know his future intentions reliably. He has to bring himself to the table. If you are capable of it, you present reality to him and show him that there may be a future if he puts an action plan together. 

He needs to address:

-how to reconcile the finances of his past, and what he plans to do in terms of fatherhood
-what the financial implications are on the present and future of your relationship
-how his deception and lies has eroded the trust in your relationship
-how he will take responsibility (not just accountability)

Again, see my 4-stage full apology

1. I am sorry
2. I did xyx, etc. etc. etc.
3. I plan to do ________ to rectify all of #2
4. Actions taken to prove it.

Nowhere in the 4-stage apology does "you" or "because" begin a sentence, and/or in this case "her" "them".


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IBM,

I can't say for sure but....

From the sounds of what you wrote, please expect to uncover more lies, it's just what liars do prepare yourself to find out that...

He has various addictions you know nothing about, gambling, drugs, booze, go-go bars, prostitutes etc.

He spends money you know nothing about, or says his shoes were $100 when they are in fact $300.

He lies when there is no reason to lie just because that's what he does.

He lies about his achievements, which are actually just the retelling of real experiences people he know has told him. 

Tamat


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I don't think you will find anybody here who will recommend maintaining this relationship. Thank about that. Generally we are a diverse bunch. We generally don't agree on anything. We agree on this. This is not a man worth keeping.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

When I was 16 I met my exH. We casually dated, really we were FWB, and I had a birth control failure and became pregnant at 17. In my 7th month, I was looking through a drawer for something and found child support papers with his name on them. I had no idea he had a kid! He swore the papers were wrong, that he was named father by default. In our state, if a woman names a man father and he refuses to appear in court for testing, he is named by default. So, it was believable. I have a suspicious mind, so I let it drop and then went snooping when he left for the evening to go do God knows what. I found the DNA test results in another drawer. It was confirmed his child more than a year before.

I got the spiel about how he didn't see his son because he thought his ONS's state Senator father rigged the test. Yeah, right. Although true the baby's maternal grandfather was a state Senator, why on Earth would such a man arrange for a false paternity test to name a broke 20 year old from a poor family the daddy??

We talked, he swore he wasn't like that anymore, yadda yadda. I was close to giving birth, so what could I do, right?

Less than a month later I got a call from a lady named K who wanted to let me know that she also had a child by him that he had been neglecting. Sure enough, I went looking through his parents house (where we were living) and found another set of child support papers for that baby.

I'll skip the long and complicated bits, but I married him for the sake of my kid when she was born. Had another birth control method fail and got pregnant with another daughter. Finally left him when the oldest was 6 and the youngest 1. For all the times he swore that he would never abandon his girls and how it was different because we'd been married, wanna guess how many times he has seen them or paid support since we divorced in 2002? Zero support paid and he has seen the girls less than a handful of times over a the last nearly 15 years.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone back home to live with my parents, busted my azz to get a degree, and then gone on my own as a single mother.

Consult a lawyer. You might be surprised.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Icebearsmom said:


> No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And every time your sweet son asks for Da Da, remember that there were THREE other children also crying and asking for Da Da while he was denying their existence to start a new family with you. THAT'S the man you miss. The man who ABANDONED three children and their mother and then based his entire life and relationship with you on lies. For 5 years, no less. And it's not like he confessed. You found him out. What does that tell you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Icebearsmom said:


> *No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work.* It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be too sure, this ONE situation is a doozy! Like, his entire life was a lie. People who tell lies of this magnitude tend to make a lifestyle of it. I think a little digging is in order to see if there is anything else major going on. This truly sucks, and I am sorry. :frown2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You might want to consider taking a course in accounting. This man siphoned off $19,200 in just two short years of marriage. That is financial infidelity. Will you ever be able to trust him with a bank account or credit card, again?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Icebearsmom said:


> And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


De Nile is not just a river in Egypt OP. You are not ready or willing to see the truth about who you chose to have a child with. You can only lie to yourself before too long. He is no good, never was and never will be.

It is going to take time for this to sink in. Time you are losing on this, well you know.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> I do like the idea of contacting the ex and getting her side of the story. *Of course I have no way to know if she is lying to me either.* But honestly if she is raising my son'a half-siblings then I want to get to know her because I can't have any more kids so they're going to be the only siblings he will ever have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That’s true. What you could do is hear her story, then hear his, and match the two. Try to decipher the truth that way.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> IBM,
> 
> *I can't say for sure but*....
> 
> ...


You said it .... you can't say for sure.

Why just make up a load of unrelated stuff? OP has more than enough on her plate for any person to handle without you pulling stuff out the blue that he could also be doing. There's a million other things that anyone could be doing. 

How about sticking to the known stuff and trying to give her some helpful advice.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Icebearsmom said:


> I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and *I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them*. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why *he doesn't insist on the DNA testing* to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).
> 
> I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. That was a court judgement that was garnished from his paycheck directly, he didn't exactly stand up and do the right thing. I may be wrong but I think you have to miss a sh1t load of payments before it gets to court ordered garnishments.

Didn't you said he was an engineer? I'm an engineer too. Do you know how fricking pedantic we are about being right? I think your father is being a little too kind to him, there is only one reason he didn't get DNA tested and that is because he knew there was no point. 

Your last paragraph sounds like he's starting to bail. What does being out of state have to do with no contact? I really think you need to see a lawyer asap. You may be needing someone to legally grab any funds from the house sale.

BTW what sort of engineer is he that $800/mo isn't much compared to what he was making? I think I'm in the wrong branch of engineering.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare. 

you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat. I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.

I agree with the others who said that you need to talk to her about it. And I think most important, you need to consult with a lawyer. Just to figure out what your rights are.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

I have a somewhat unrelated question. Do I have the right to request the children be DNA tested if he won't do it? Nothing to do with the child support, but because it's really important to me to know if these kids are indeed related to my child. Unless their mother really is the psycho ***** my husband made her out to be, I'd like them to be a part of our lives in the future if they really are half siblings.

There is a part of me that wishes he had just kept lying and told me he didn't see his kids because his ex wouldn't let him. I'd still be pissed about the lies but I'd probably have ended up feeling sorry for him and letting it go. Knowing he walked away from his family willingly and never looked back is so much harder to forgive.

Can anyone give me an idea of what I can expect financially if I decide to divorce him? We've only been married 2 years and I've always worked but never contributed financially to our household - all my money has gone into my college expenses. And actually he's paid for a good chunk of my college tuition as well, because he didn't want me to end up with massive student loans. The school I am attending is costing about $8000 per semester and I have one semester left to pay for. I hope I don't come across as money crazy it's just that it's really important that I finish my masters degree because it's ABSOLUTELY required in my chosen field to land even an entry level position. And it's the only job I've ever wanted to do since I was about 8 years old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare.
> 
> you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. *have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat.* I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.
> 
> ...


I had this exact thought. I think its a very good possibility.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

WonkyNinja - in NY wage garnishments are automatic as soon as you have a court ordered agreement. It's another way for the state to unfairly take your money - they take 10% off the top before the money goes to the majorcustodial parent. Nice, huh? What's even better is they give the recipient the money on a debit card that looks exactly like a NYS food stamp card, so everyone assumes you are on welfare when you use it.

And he is an aeronautical engineer with a major government contractor. Or was. They just went through major layoffs and unfortunately he was one of the ones who got cut. I think his income may have been part of the reason he got cut. He became an employee of this company due to a merger and the salaries of his previous employer were quite a bit higher than standard. From what he said, it was primarily the people from his original employer that got the ax.

He seems to be thinking of not going back to the corporate world. Told me he was looking to pick up a nontenure university teaching position and start working on his PhD. 

I'm seriously considering making him re-establishing a relationship with his other kids a requirement of my even thinking about staying in this marriage. Do you all think that is asking too much? I personally think it will say a lot about him if he refuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!


You have seen his "template" of what is ok within a marriage. He believes it was ok to manipulate you into marrying him by not knowing the truth about him and thus having a false picture of who he really was. He also believes it is ok to basically steal money from you. All that money he sent to her was half yours from a philosophical standpoint. You had every right to believe that you would remain married to him forever and that you would thus share in half his income for life (and he half yours, and you both share the risk of the down times).

Anyhow, he has shown you that he does not believe you had a right to know those things. My experience was similar in many ways with my stbxw who hid many big things from me before and during the marriage for the same reasons - she did not want me to make the decision to not be with her, and she did not believe I had any right to know about them if she didn't want me to know.

Unless and until your husband proves a complete and total change in his belief system, it will remain his belief system. You need to see hard proof over a good period of time that he has changed. I think you need to see him blowing snot bubbles crying at your feet begging you to stay, and verbalizing how terrible it was what he did. I've only seen that kind of remorse shown on this forum by a cheater once or twice. That is what is called "true remorse". Look up "false reconciliation" on this forum, somebody put up a good list.

If he doesn't truly change deep in his heart, he will surprise you again with betrayal in the future when he gets in a jam or is strongly lured.




Icebearsmom said:


> I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.


Those are all valid things to worry about.



Icebearsmom said:


> After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.


Yes it is worth leaving if you don't trust him. He is currently un-trustworthy. He has to prove beyond any doubt that he has changed and has become worthy of your trust. It just isn't worth staying with someone you can't trust 100%. BTDT for many years.

Divorce is always easier on the kids the younger they are. And your son can always have his father in his life even if divorced. It may even be much higher quality time after divorce.

My opinion is you talk to a counselor in real life, and talk to a lawyer about your rights in a divorce or annulment. His job loss is a complication, especially probably being where you are isn't a big tech hub with lots of jobs. Still, in general my advice ignoring that complication would be to file for divorce. Shock and awe. You can always stop the divorce process, but you have a long clock in NY state I believe. Nothing motivates like real consequences.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> As far as doing more digging - what am I supposed to be looking for? The other woman also told me they had never been married during our phone conversation, and I don't see any reason why she would have lied to me, unlike him I can't see why she would have any reason to do so.


You need to look for any court case with his name on it. Most states have an online system where you can look up a person's name and all cases come up, civil and criminal, marriages, divorces, etc.

There should at least be a case for the child support. But who knows what might be out there since if there is something else, he's not likely to tell you.

If you want to give him a chance, you could encourage him to go to court to get 50% custody after dna tests prove that he is actually the father. He needs to find this out.

I would be very careful about talking to the mother of his children. Surely she knew that he married you and has another child. But she went along with his deception. Have no doubt that she knew this was going on. Sure he abandoned the kids. But my bet is that she did not do anything to bring him back into his kid's lives... you know like get the DNA tests herself to prove that he's the father.

I can see a guy really flipping out and losing his way to find out that his wife has been cheating and all 3 of the children are very likely not his.

do at least the court record search so that you know what there is out there and you find out on your own anything else he's lying about.

I would also pull his credit report. You might find other surprises there as well.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Elegirl - sounds good. I'll pull the credit report tomorrow. I'll also look into those online background check programs. Can anyone recommend a good one?

From what my husband told me, his ex GF ended up marrying the guy she was cheating on him with, and he has apparently been raising the kids. Which does make me wonder whose kids they are. For all I know she may indeed have caused all the issues he says she did. I don't trust her any more than I trust him. Doesn't change the fact that I want to know if my husband is the father of any or all of those kids. I believe that siblings have a right to know each other and be a part of each other's lives no matter what the family situation.

I am wondering why a couple of people here have suggested that he is too old for me? We are only 5 years apart that's normal and I know a lot of married couples with even more than that difference in their ages. I don't honestly believe that in general 28 is that much more life experienced than 23.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> *And every time your sweet son asks for Da Da, remember that there were THREE other children also crying and asking for Da Da while he was denying their existence to start a new family with you*. THAT'S the man you miss. The man who ABANDONED three children and their mother and then based his entire life and relationship with you on lies. For 5 years, no less. And it's not like he confessed. You found him out. What does that tell you?


^^This.

OP - he's ready to run again...you need to see a lawyer asap and organise a lien on your house, so he can't sell it from under you and do a runner with YOUR equity.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IBM,

I wrote what I wrote to you because your H can never lie to you again if you are to stay married to him and all his past ugliness needs to brought out to the light.

What you don't want to keep finding out more and more secrets and deceptions. 

I've seen too many men who keep their wives in the dark until it is too late and they are bankrupt or the W has an STD.

Tamat


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like they're his kids, why would he be ''making payments'' if they weren't? I'd leave him, get an annulment...and move on. There is no way to really ''come back'' to a good place after such a huge lie like this. Not to mention, he's awful to abandon his kids like that, regardless of ''how bad'' he might make this woman out to be. Sorry this happened to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).
> 
> I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?


Well, if the two of you cannot make the house payment, then selling the house make sense... selling it to avoid foreclosure. 

Are there jobs local where you live? Or does he need to look outside of the area where you live?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot get an annulment. Look up the rules for annulments in your state. 

You will need to get a divorce.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Actually there's no equity on the house we've only made about 15 months worth of payments and we're now two months behind. He wants to sell before the bank starts foreclosure proceedings. We should probably have saved more considering how much he was making, but as I said I am attending a very expensive university and he didn't want to take out student loans so we paid the tuition up front each semester. On top of which he paid off all the student loans I had prior to our marriage. Plus we both have pricey cars (I'll be selling mine if we divorce), and have been pretty big spenders which I'm already starting to regret. As if that weren't enough he's paying off a lawsuit for some serious property damage he caused when he was younger and had some drug use issues. The other party got a pretty hefty settlement out of it. Like a quarter million dollars paid out over a 10 year period. That's one of the most confusing things about all this to me. He never tried to hide the lawsuit from me (and the circumstances of it aren't pretty) so why hide the kids and the child support?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Your just going to have decide if his actions constitute enough of a breach of trust to make divorce the best option. 

The best thing, IMO, you could do at this point is to have him sit down and write out his life story for you...leaving out nothing. Give him plenty of time to do it. Once he is aure its all there.....research it. If he comes clean, there is a good chance he will continue to do so in the future....if you find ANY omissions...you have your answer as to his ability to actually tell you the truth. 

It pretty much sounds like....you have zero knowledge of who your husband actually is.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

E.G. - there aren't many jobs here in his field or income range. In fact the bottom is falling out of our local economy with a lot of the bigger companies packing up and leaving the area. And if he wants to get his PhD, the best school would be MIT if he can get in. Big pay cut to be a professor but I think he might be happier and definitely less stressed. He always has enjoyed the research and development side of his job the most and there's a lot of room for that in academia.

Of course all of this will be pretty meaningless to me if I decide to leave him. Whether he makes any effort to reconnect or even shows interest in getting back together will go a long way in my choices over the next few weeks. But honestly, if he doesn't make an effort to fight for our marriage, I probably won't put in too much effort either.

So to-do list for tomorrow:
1. Pull his credit report (and probably mine too)
2. Look into doing a background check and start it if it's not too complicated
3. Seriously consider calling his ex for her side of the story. See if she admits to cheating on him or if her reasons for his leaving are different from his.
4. Since he's apparently out of state, go back to the house and do some more snooping. See what else his file cabinet has to offer.
5. Call a lawyer if I find ANYTHING to further enforce that he has been deceiving me about his past history.

I'm just so pissed off at him right now. Is it normal for all your happy, loving feelings for your spouse to just go up in smoke after a betrayal like this? Because right now I would honestly not care if I never saw him again. It's like there's this part of me that does want to take him back and try to get past this, but there's an equal part that just wants to move on and be done and the heck with him. I feel a little crazy right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Icebearsmom said:


> No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are already making excuses for him and you are treading on dangerous ice. This is a huge deception and right at the beginning of the marriage. You stay with him you are already giving him carte blanche to lie again about other things. He is no good for you, get out now while you can. I am not a believer in divorce but under these circumstances, he married you under false pretenses.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Icebearsmom said:


> I'm just so pissed off at him right now. *Is it normal for all your happy, loving feelings for your spouse to just go up in smoke after a betrayal like this? *Because right now I would honestly not care if I never saw him again. It's like there's this part of me that does want to take him back and try to get past this, but there's an equal part that just wants to move on and be done and the heck with him. I feel a little crazy right now...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anyone in your shoes would be normal if they felt a little or a lot crazy right now. You are normal and so is the gamma of emotions you will go through in order to come out the other side of his betrayal.

In all this that is coming, don't let your heart guide your best interest! Use your head instead. Also, don't trust your husband without knowing your rights and your child's rights.

Don't be surprised if he was using reflection when he told you she cheated on him. He may very well have been cheating on her with you! Most cheaters use reflection to be able to live with themselves. They reflect on the BS what they did and actually believe it at times. My X told his family that I was having an affair and in reality it was him.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

You mention a couple of times that your mortgage is really expensive. Have you looked into all the documentation to make sure it really is what he's saying it is? We have a middle sized mortgage for where I live (at least double your mortgage) and it's not that huge an amount each month. Of course "large" is a very subjective term. But it sounds like he was making a lot of money, (at least more then our combined family income if his child support is $800 a month) so "large" is worrying on a $140,000 loan, which is relatively small in the mortgage world. 

You need to check your bank statements. See what he has been spending, and what else he is hiding from you.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

chatabox said:


> You mention a couple of times that your mortgage is really expensive. Have you looked into all the documentation to make sure it really is what he's saying it is? We have a middle sized mortgage for where I live (at least double your mortgage) and it's not that huge an amount each month. Of course "large" is a very subjective term. But it sounds like he was making a lot of money, (at least more then our combined family income if his child support is $800 a month) so "large" is worrying on a $140,000 loan, which is relatively small in the mortgage world.
> 
> You need to check your bank statements. See what he has been spending, and what else he is hiding from you.


Yeah it really doesn't make sense. $140k mortgage seems so low (well for where I live anyway) but even so at rate of 4% over 25 yrs it is under $800 p/month. So on an income of $140k the sums don't add up, how could the repayments be classed as "large"?


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Try to protect yourself & your child. You cannot afford to go back to this guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> I have a somewhat unrelated question. Do I have the right to request the children be DNA tested if he won't do it? Nothing to do with the child support, but because it's really important to me to know if these kids are indeed related to my child. Unless their mother really is the psycho ***** my husband made her out to be, I'd like them to be a part of our lives in the future if they really are half siblings.
> 
> There is a part of me that wishes he had just kept lying and told me he didn't see his kids because his ex wouldn't let him. I'd still be pissed about the lies but I'd probably have ended up feeling sorry for him and letting it go. Knowing he walked away from his family willingly and never looked back is so much harder to forgive.
> 
> Can anyone give me an idea of what I can expect financially if I decide to divorce him? We've only been married 2 years and I've always worked but never contributed financially to our household - all my money has gone into my college expenses. And actually he's paid for a good chunk of my college tuition as well, because he didn't want me to end up with massive student loans. The school I am attending is costing about $8000 per semester and I have one semester left to pay for. I hope I don't come across as money crazy it's just that it's really important that I finish my masters degree because it's ABSOLUTELY required in my chosen field to land even an entry level position. And it's the only job I've ever wanted to do since I was about 8 years old.


You can ask for interim spousal support while the divorce is in progress. You can also ask for child support. 

You might be able to get temporary/rehabilitative spousal support (alimony) after the divorce for about half the length of your marriage. You are entitled to 50% of all assets accrued during the marriage. 
Until he gets a job, there is not a lot that you will get.

You might be better off waiting until he gets a job to file for divorce. Or maybe you can get financial aid and loans for finish your degree. 

You might want to get a book on divorce in your state. Amazon has some.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you say that your mortgage is high, would you mind sharing what it is?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income)


Icebearsmom, *he's* not doing the 'right' thing. His paycheck is being garnished which means the LAW is making him do the 'right' thing. And only a complete fool would pay $800 a month for 3 kids that he doesn't think are his. He hasn't had the DNA testing because he knows damned well they ARE his kids. And his ridiculous story for deserting them - that he was angry with their mother for cheating on him 'and they're probably not his kids'- is yet another bullsh*t fairy tale to cover up the fact that he's a deadbeat dead, plain and simple. 

This guy can't even open his mouth without lying. 

And even if she DID cheat on him left and right - why would he agree to pay $800 a month for the next 15-20* years *for some OTHER guy's supposed kids rather than shell out the cost for a one-time DNA test on all 3 to prove paternity? He's a supposed engineer so I'm going to assume even HE can do the math on that.



> I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?


You don't realize it, but he would be doing you the biggest favor of your life, selling that house and moving out of state and disappearing. He's already proven himself to be a complete deadbeat where all the kids he keeps having are concerned. 

And for every week that he's unemployed, the arrearages continue piling up. I think it's hysterical that he's not too 'lazy' to take the time to go to Child Services and apply for a review/reduction in his payments, but he WON'T take the time to go through a DNA review. What does THAT tell you?

And also consider, if they weren't his kids, don't you think he would have told you long ago how this evil woman has been basically stealing $800 a month from him for years claiming a bunch of kids are his when they aren't? Wouldn't ANYONE be full of indignant anger at being conned like that? But instead, he lies to you from Day #1 and continues lying to you up until YOU have to hear from the mother of his kids. Why would he try so hard to* protect* the thief whose been extorting money from him for years?

This guy is SUCH a snake.

And sadly, you've already pretty much decided you're going to swallow this huge sh*t sandwich he's served up to you because you say "if I find anything _further _to indicate he's deceiving me I'll call a lawyer..." like *this *con job he pulled on you wasn't enough. 

I'd be selling that house and that fancy car of yours and getting away from this con man as fast as I possibly could. 

When someone shows you who they really are, you need to believe them.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

The mortgage is a 15 year biweekly payment. It's $700 every 2 weeks. I don't know the interest rate but I do know we made a really low downpayment - nowhere near the standard 20%. I think it was more like 5%. House is an 1800 square foot split level ranch in what is considered the best school district in our area. We also have an acre of land which is rare for our neighborhood. There's also a creek running through the back yard which makes the property very desirable. I doubt we'll have trouble selling it. It had only been on the market for 3 months when we bought it.

I pulled up a years worth of bank statements last night and sat up most of the night reading them. For someone with something to hide his password on the online bank account was really easy - I got it on only the second try. So far nothing stands out to me. House payments, car and motorcycle payments, utility bills, lots of restaurants (we eat out far too much because we both hate to cook). His monthly payment on a lawsuit he has over property damage. I knew about that. Subscriptions to his gym, country club, and fencing club. There was one high payment recently that threw me at first until I realized it was the first COBRA deduction so we can keep his company insurance until he gets another job. The child support doesn't show because it comes out of his paycheck up front. Sort of embarrassing to admit but a lot of the retail transactions are mine. Looking at them really made me understand exactly how much my lifestyle is going to have to change from here on out.

If he is indeed playing with money I don't see where. The account reflects his entire income based on the pay stubs I found. I don't see any payments to credit card companies other than Discover and that card is mine and the numbers look right. No hotel bills, no traveling out of town since our honeymoon. The only thing that bugs me is that he has been lying to me apparently about how much savings we have and how much he has been putting towards retirement. Both of those numbers are a LOT higher than he says they are. But honestly, looking at my own spending, I'm not quite sure I blame him. He might have believed it was the only way to get me to agree to a budget, if he told me we were reaching our spending limit. I'm only just starting to realize how much of his hard earned money I've been throwing away without a second thought. I've been spending $15-20 a DAY in Starbucks alone. Good grief. He would have been well within his rights to totally go off on me over this ****. I DO question why he isn't using the money in savings to keep the mortgage up to date. Seems like he might be looking for an excuse to let the house go.

I also pulled credit reports for both of us and nothing stands out there either. We aren't far enough behind on the mortgage for it to show yet. One credit card in both our names, paid in full every month. Car payments up to date. Student loans, paid in full WAY ahead of time. His credit score is over 700 so he's obviously financially responsible. Mine is good too but only because he pays my bills. Same employer since 2010 which I already knew. Not much to see here really. Other than more proof that I've been acting like a spoiled princess and he should have shut me down hard right from the start. Not that he ever denies himself if he wants something, but he's not materialistic. He really only has 3 "toys" - his car, his bike, and his really high end computer that he uses for 3D modeling.

I guess next will be the background check. Recommendations for a good online service anyone?

Also - does anyone know a way to find out for sure why he lost his job? I know they had layoffs but they were saying on the news that the company had paid out some pretty decent severance packages and all he got was 2 weeks pay. I don't know why he would have gotten so much less than some of his coworkers, unless it just because he had only been there 6 years. Unless he had actually been terminated for cause. Which wouldn't actually surprise me since he told me multiple times that his boss didn't like him. I've met the boss and I can't stand him. He's an ex military hard ass and he treats his people like boot camp recruits. My husband is one of the few who stood up to him about it and his boss hated him for it. Wrote him up for insubordination on a fairly regular basis. He never got in any real trouble though because I think upper level management actually agreed with my husband.

All of this to say, everything that's come to light recently seems so out of character for him. I can't believe that the things I've learned are in any way associated with the man I thought him to be. If I hadn't found the proof I don't think I would believe it. There's been nothing - absolutely nothing - in our time together to have given me any indication that he is anything other than a terrific guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, all in all, he is a former addict who caused a quarter of a million dollars in property damage, abandoned his 3 kids and their mother, lied to you every day of your relationship by failing to disclose this fact, has lost his high earning job, and has been in the process of looking for a new job in another state and selling the house, all without telling you? Oh, and don't forget that he's been lying about how much he has been saving and adding to retirement, which matters as anything over the two years since your marriage is legally marital property and half yours.

Explain to us why you're still with him again?

If you stay, and I highly recommend that you don't, your lifestyle will change drastically, you're right on that. Frankly, with his lawsuit and child support, he isn't going to look so hot to employers who run background checks. He's competing with engineers who are equally qualified and do not have his history. Beyond that, he will likely make much less than he was previously. Much less. And he will still have that lawsuit to pay in addition to the child support. Even if the court allows him to lower his lawsuit payments due to loss of income, he still has to pay the full amount over time. Even if he applies to lower his support and the court agrees, he is still going to have to pay support and he will also have arrears added on top of the regular payment until he catches up.

To answer an earlier question, no, you cannot request DNA testing. You have zero legal standing when it comes to his court case, child support, custody arrangement, etc. However, DNA testing can be done privately. You do NOT need his cooperation. You and the children's mother can do private testing on your children and the test will show whether or not they have the same father. You can buy kits over the counter at any pharmacy, Wal-Mart, or online. You'd have to get the children's mother to agree, though. If you broach the topic with her, do it gently. Insinuating she may have been a liar and a cheater might not go over too well. You can tell her what you have told us. Tell her that you cannot have more children, your son having a relationship with any siblings he may have is important to you, and that your H denied paternity, so you would very much appreciate knowing for sure if these children are your son's siblings, etc. etc. She might tell you to pound sand, but she also might agree.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I believe NY state residents have a very difficult time getting dna tests done without some form of court order or other official order. However, one could take the samples and ship them to an out of state trusted relative and have them submit the tests. That may not be legal, idk.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Icebearsmom, your credit is going to get hammered if you go into default on the house. I think you need to insist the mortgage gets paid out of savings at least for the time being. 

And, you should start on an emergency finance plan. There's no telling how long before he or you have any significant income again. If it were me, I'd put both cars up for sale asap. Buy one used inexpensive reliable car to replace them. He may have to sell his motorcycle. In good weather it may be cheap transportation (but may not be depending on what it is), but it isn't going to do any good over the winter in upstate NY! This is the wrong time of the year to sell a motorcycle but cash may be needed. I would immediately cut out all restaurants, Starbucks, etc. Learn to cook. Even simple stuff is way cheaper than eating out. Don't buy frozen or prepared foods, learn to cook from scratch. It is much cheaper and much healthier. You'd be amazed how much you can cut your grocery expenses.

Shelter, food, transportation, medical insurance. Those are the critical items you need to have. The rest is luxury which the unemployed can't afford. He has to give up his gym, fencing, etc. You should get rid of subscription tv.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Thor said:


> I believe NY state residents have a very difficult time getting dna tests done without some form of court order or other official order. However, one could take the samples and ship them to an out of state trusted relative and have them submit the tests. That may not be legal, idk.


OP mentioned that the support case was in NY. Which means the kids reside there. However, if OP in NOT a NY resident, the mother of the children can send the samples to her and she can send them to the lab.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Icebearsmom, *he's* not doing the 'right' thing. His paycheck is being garnished which means the LAW is making him do the 'right' thing. And only a complete fool would pay $800 a month for 3 kids that he doesn't think are his. He hasn't had the DNA testing because he knows damned well they ARE his kids. And his ridiculous story for deserting them - that he was angry with their mother for cheating on him 'and they're probably not his kids'- is yet another bullsh*t fairy tale to cover up the fact that he's a deadbeat dead, plain and simple.
> 
> This guy can't even open his mouth without lying.
> 
> And even if she DID cheat on him left and right - why would he agree to pay $800 a month for the next 15-20* years *for some OTHER guy's supposed kids rather than shell out the cost for a one-time DNA test on all 3 to prove paternity? He's a supposed engineer so I'm going to assume even HE can do the math on that.


As long as HIS name is on those birth certificates, HE will have to pay support. There is no choice. Even if he did DNA tests and proved he isn't the father of one or any of them, he would be looking at a HUGE legal battle to get out of paying their support, sad as that is. 

My second husband found out his daughter was not his after she was 18. He had paid support for her for almost 10 years. He consulted an attorney, and was basically told he was pretty much sh!t out of luck with trying to sue his ex or getting any of that money back since HE was the father stated on the birth certificate. (yes, his ex pretty much knew the entire time that he was most likely not the father) Evidently the only chance you have is if you suspect paternity at the time of birth, and refuse to sign the certificate. Pretty fvcked up system if you ask me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@3Xnocharm,, when a married woman gives birth, her legal husband is presumed father and entered as such on the birth record. He only has X amount of time to dispute paternity through the courts or he is basically accepting legal responsibility for 18 + years.

The OP's H was NOT married to his Baby Momma. He had to either have voluntarily signed an Affidavit of Parentage to be on the birth record as father or there was a DNA test proving him father when the case went to court for support. This makes me highly doubt he suspects the kids aren't his and is just saying that to excuse his abandonment. If he had any suspicions, at all, he wouldn't have signed or he would have asked for DNA testing when she took him to court for support.


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## Citylinesox (Jan 31, 2015)

EunuchMonk said:


> You have a good reason to be concerned. You say, you are not sure this is worth leaving him over? I don’t know. Think about this. He had three children with this woman. He probably told her the same sweet nothings he tells you. They had a love life together. People like to feel they are special, I get it. But, individually, I don’t think we are all that special. What am I getting at? If he did that to her, why won’t he do it to you? Because what you two have is special? See where I going with this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Great advice



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Had I been really hurt in a previous marriage, and it involved children- regardless of whether or not I thought I was the father, that would be a huge deal to me and would be something I would tell my new girlfriend before getting engaged.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> The mortgage is a 15 year biweekly payment. It's $700 every 2 weeks. I don't know the interest rate but I do know we made a really low downpayment - nowhere near the standard 20%. I think it was more like 5%. House is an 1800 square foot split level ranch in what is considered the best school district in our area. We also have an acre of land which is rare for our neighborhood. There's also a creek running through the back yard which makes the property very desirable. I doubt we'll have trouble selling it. It had only been on the market for 3 months when we bought it.
> 
> ......................



Even as a 15 year loan at 5.5% which is well above the standard rate the numbers don't add up. How could you not know what the deposit was etc? 
What you need to find out is exactly how much the loan is for and what it is for bc $700 p/fortnight is not for a $140K loan over 15 years. Sounds more like a $200K plus loan.

Did you co sign or even see the mortgage papers?


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Mrs Holland - should have added our mortgage payments include homeowners insurance and property taxes. I don't know the amount of the insurance but the property taxes are $8800 per year. Ridiculous I know but like I said this is a really good school district and a pretty high class neighborhood as well. Pretty good for a boy from the ghetto and a girl from a farm, both of whom grew up with next to nothing. Except for the fact that I'm really sick of the cops pulling him over all the time because apparently black men in Beamers equal drug dealers in our neighborhood.

He's supposed to be home from Boston tomorrow. I told him if he even wants to try to save our marriage to be prepared to spend the entire weekend with me answering any questions I might have. He did say both of his job interviews went really well and he fully expects to get offers from both of them. I can't say as he sounded particularly thrilled but then it's hard to read emotion over a cell phone. Guess we'll see how things go tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

For the love of all that is good and Holy, run a thorough background check on your H. While some cops are seriously racist, sometimes they aren't. Meaning, they may be pulling him over because he has been in more trouble than you know and the local PD is keeping an eye on him. Better to be a bit paranoid, now, considering his history of lying about an entire family he fathered. If your H says the sky is blue, you'd be a fool not to open a window and check.

Also, if you do stay, full financial disclosure. His actions affect you because you are legally married. Credit, debts, etc. Make sure you know where the money is going, especially now that there is likely to be less of it. 

As someone else already posted, make him pay the mortgage until the house sells. First, if you hit the 3 month mark the bank usually begins foreclosure. Once that process has begun, you cannot sell the house without approval from the bank. Unnecessary steps that delay the sale and scare off buyers. Not to mention the black marks on your credit. Keep the house paid up, sell it ASAP, and go from there.

P.S. Any chance you'll tell us what he did that caused $250,000 in property damage? That has got to be one hell of a story.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

the trouble with the cops is probably due to the lawsuit he had when he was young and is paying off. That kind of crap really is never taken off his record. That doesn't mean he is not in the straight and narrow now. 

It looks like he decided to do a clean slate when he married you. Sadly in starting with a clean slate with you, he threw away 3 of his children! 

I hope things get resolved and he listens to you. Time will tell. I hope he doesn't leave you because then it would be 4 children he now abandons. Maybe he can now do the right thing if you back him up and hold him accountable for ALL his children.

Keep us posted. I hope your marriage survives if that is what you really want. But please stop being so trusting!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Icebearsmom said:


> I'm just so pissed off at him right now. Is it normal for all your happy, loving feelings for your spouse to just go up in smoke after a betrayal like this? Because right now I would honestly not care if I never saw him again. It's like there's this part of me that does want to take him back and try to get past this, but there's an equal part that just wants to move on and be done and the heck with him. I feel a little crazy right now...


Emotions are running high, but you aren't crazy. This is a perfectly normal reaction to having your entire world foundation turned upside down.

The person you thought you loved has just had his facade popped like a bubble. This guy you see revealed looks just like the man you loved, but you really don't know him at all. Why would you continue to love someone you barely know?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> Mrs Holland -* should have added our mortgage payments include homeowners insurance and property taxes. I don't know the amount of the insurance but the property taxes are $8800 per year. Ridiculous I know but like I said this is a really good school district and a pretty high class neighborhood as well.* Pretty good for a boy from the ghetto and a girl from a farm, both of whom grew up with next to nothing. Except for the fact that I'm really sick of the cops pulling him over all the time because apparently black men in Beamers equal drug dealers in our neighborhood.
> 
> He's supposed to be home from Boston tomorrow. I told him if he even wants to try to save our marriage to be prepared to spend the entire weekend with me answering any questions I might have. He did say both of his job interviews went really well and he fully expects to get offers from both of them. I can't say as he sounded particularly thrilled but then it's hard to read emotion over a cell phone. Guess we'll see how things go tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK I don't pay property tax where I live but guess it is similar to rates which covers local amenities. Is it the norm to add yearly property tax/ home running costs such as insurance to your mortgage? If so that is crackers. Better to pay expenses straight out of pocket and not add them to your mortgage of which you are paying compounding interest on.

Either way you did not answer about being a co signor for the mortgage documents. Do you know how much your mortgage is for? Do you understand compounding interest? Do you understand that with a standard home loan you pay the interest component off before the principal so if your home has had little capital gains in the short time you have owned it, plus the start up costs, if you sell it now you may well owe more than you borrowed.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

I know the purchase price of the house was $140,000, because I'm the one who found the house. I know the amount of the property taxes because the realtor told us that during disclosure. I was not at the closing because baby came 3 weeks early and my husband had to go to the closing alone. I signed the paperwork later. I'll admit I never read it. I'm not good with numbers and money. Except spending it without keeping track. I was shocked to discover I've been blowing over $1000 a month on crap for me and baby that we don't need. If anyone had asked me how much I was spending on myself per month I would have thought it was half that.

As far as the lawsuit - happened well before I met him. It's a really long story and pretty sad actually. He was raised by a single mother who didn't even know who his father was. When he was 14 she OD'd and he ended up in foster homes for the next few years. The final place he ended up was with a white family and he said he ran away because they abused him. He ended up on the streets and got involved in a gang. One night he got high, stole the foster family's car, and drove it into their house. House and car were both destroyed. They agreed not to press criminal charges if he would pay for all the damages no matter how long it took (I'm wondering now if he threatened to bring up the abuse if they took him to court). According to him this "forgiveness" on their part was what turned his life around. He quit drugs, got a scholarship the local university gives to inner city kids, and never looked back.

Of course, this is all the story he told me. I'm not sure if I should believe anything he's ever told me anymore. Looking at what I just wrote from the point of view of someone a few years older if not wiser, I can see a lot of things in the story that no longer make sense to me.

He should be home in a couple of hours. It's going to be an interesting day. Wish I could get the background check before then but every site I've looked at has been 3-5 day turn around at a minimum. Also - the incident that caused the lawsuit happened when he was a minor (17). Doesn't that mean the court record will be sealed? I've already been doing some digging around online in local news archives and couldn't find anything, but then it was over a decade ago.

It's really sad - and depressing - that I'm starting to doubt everything he's ever told me. I don't want a divorce - I really do love him and our sex life is incredible (which reading some other threads here I'm thinking we're really blessed on that one) and of course there is our son to consider. But I just don't know if I can ever believe another word he says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Oh and Mrs Holland in NY property taxes and mortgage and homeowners insurance are added to your mortgage. You pay the bank and the bank pays the bills. The system is basically in place to make sure the property taxes get paid, because if they don't then the local municipality can seize the property after 3 years of non payment, even if the bank still has a lien on the house. You do NOT pay interest on the taxes and insurance. Incredible, though, I'd never done the math before, but at $8800 a year, one of those 2 monthly mortgage payments is JUST going to pay the property taxes! I kind of think we'll be well rid of the house, my parents pay $1400 a year for a similar sized house and 10 acres of farmland. Not that I would EVER want to send my son to the HORRIBLE rural school I attended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Icebearsmom said:


> Oh and Mrs Holland in NY property taxes and mortgage and homeowners insurance are added to your mortgage. You pay the bank and the bank pays the bills. The system is basically in place to make sure the property taxes get paid, because if they don't then the local municipality can seize the property after 3 years of non payment, even if the bank still has a lien on the house. You do NOT pay interest on the taxes and insurance. Incredible, though, I'd never done the math before, but at $8800 a year, one of those 2 monthly mortgage payments is JUST going to pay the property taxes! I kind of think we'll be well rid of the house, my parents pay $1400 a year for a similar sized house and 10 acres of farmland. Not that I would EVER want to send my son to the HORRIBLE rural school I attended.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's called escrow.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

It's 5:30. He was supposed to be home by 10. No sign of him, no phone call. Heading back to my parents house after waiting for him all day at our house. Which was freezing. I don't know how to turn the furnace on. I feel so lost. Numb. Don't know where to go from here. Wondering if he's chosen to give up on me before I could give up on him. This is happening so fast. My head is spinning and my life feels like a train wreck. Where do I go from here? How long do I keep waiting before I admit he's gone? I dread going home to my father saying he told me so. I dread the thought of admitting to people that they were right when they told me not to marry him. I feel so stupid ... used ... deceived ... deserted ... just plain all alone right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You aren't stupid. You were lied to. Lies are designed to keep you from making an informed decision.
I recommend you go back to the house and go through all the files. Make copies of them or take photos, as long as the photos are clear enough that you can read everything on the papers. It is likely that he has copies of the lawsuit as well. You need to know what's going on. Going through all the paperwork will help you get a more clear picture.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> OP mentioned that the support case was in NY. Which means the kids reside there. However, if OP in NOT a NY resident, the mother of the children can send the samples to her and she can send them to the lab.


Why would the mother of the children agree to send the OP any samples from her children for DNA testing? It would not help her. It might actually hurt her ability to get child support.

DNA test are sold at pharmacies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> For the love of all that is good and Holy, run a thorough background check on your H. While some cops are seriously racist, sometimes they aren't. Meaning, they may be pulling him over because he has been in more trouble than you know and the local PD is keeping an eye on him. Better to be a bit paranoid, now, considering his history of lying about an entire family he fathered. If your H says the sky is blue, you'd be a fool not to open a window and check.
> 
> Also, if you do stay, full financial disclosure. His actions affect you because you are legally married. Credit, debts, etc. Make sure you know where the money is going, especially now that there is likely to be less of it.
> 
> As someone else already posted, make him pay the mortgage until the house sells. First, if you hit the 3 month mark the bank usually begins foreclosure. Once that process has begun, you cannot sell the house without approval from the bank. Unnecessary steps that delay the sale and scare off buyers. Not to mention the black marks on your credit. Keep the house paid up, sell it ASAP, and go from there.



Also, if you stay in the marriage, all finances should be joint and completely open so that you know what is going on all of the time.

Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich".

With your spending habits, the book will do you a lot of good. Actually both of you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you have any knowledgeable friends that know about heating and can come over and give you a lesson? 

As long as the furnace isn't terribly old, code dictates there must be an emergency cutoff switch somewhere. In both my houses this switch was at the top of the basement stairs. Some people keep this switch to off position during spring/summer, but some keep it on always because the furnace doesn't kick in until it needs to. 

Then, there's also a switch usually on the front of the furnace or in the very near vicinity. 

Switches are usually red.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> OK I don't pay property tax where I live but guess it is similar to rates which covers local amenities. Is it the norm to add yearly property tax/ home running costs such as insurance to your mortgage? If so that is crackers. Better to pay expenses straight out of pocket and not add them to your mortgage of which you are paying compounding interest on.


Property taxes and home owner’s insurance are not added to the mortgage. No interest is paid on those monies.

Instead the mortgage company maintains and escrow account. Each month they collect the pay and put a portion of it in the escrow account. Then usually twice a year, they make the payments on taxes and insurance. Most mortgage companies prefer to do it that way because then they know that they know that these things are being paid. It’s actually easier for the home buyer to do this since they have only one payment a month to take care of.

My mortgage does this. But my annual property tax is about 2,400. At lot less than the OP’s.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> Of course, this is all the story he told me. I'm not sure if I should believe anything he's ever told me anymore. Looking at what I just wrote from the point of view of someone a few years older if not wiser, I can see a lot of things in the story that no longer make sense to me.


Look up the case records. Or ask him to show them to you. That way you will have the real story.


Icebearsmom said:


> He should be home in a couple of hours. It's going to be an interesting day. Wish I could get the background check before then but every site I've looked at has been 3-5 day turn around at a minimum.


Here are the New York state court sites for looking up cases. It’s free and takes only a few minutes.

https://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/webcivilLocal/LCSearch?param=P

https://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/webcivil/ecourtsMain

There are also sites all over the internet that will do searches. They take only a few minutes but cost a bit… about 15 or less. I don’t’ know where you went that takes days.



Icebearsmom said:


> Also - the incident that caused the lawsuit happened when he was a minor (17). Doesn't that mean the court record will be sealed? I've already been doing some digging around online in local news archives and couldn't find anything, but then it was over a decade ago.


If it was a civil case, then then the records are not sealed. If it was a criminal case, it still might not be sealed because 17 is very close to 18. Sometimes they don’t seal those records.
He has to have some kind of record of the case. Tell him that you need to see it. 


Icebearsmom said:


> It's really sad - and depressing - that I'm starting to doubt everything he's ever told me. I don't want a divorce - I really do love him and our sex life is incredible (which reading some other threads here I'm thinking we're really blessed on that one) and of course there is our son to consider. But I just don't know if I can ever believe another word he says.


He will have to work to prove that he can be trusted.

Plus, if you check with him, you need to push him to check the paternity on the other children. They really might not be his.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> You aren't stupid. You were lied to. Lies are designed to keep you from making an informed decision.
> I recommend you go back to the house and go through all the files. Make copies of them or take photos, as long as the photos are clear enough that you can read everything on the papers. It is likely that he has copies of the lawsuit as well. You need to know what's going on. Going through all the paperwork will help you get a more clear picture.


I agree with this... but instead just bring bag or boxes. Take all of the papers with you. Then copy them in the comfort and safety of your parents' home. You can return the originals later. Or give him the copies and you keep the originals.

Also, take your father when you when you go to the house to collect the papers.

Also take all easily removed valuables.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

I already went through his filing cabinet fairly thoroughly. If he's hiding paperwork of any importance it's somewhere else. Top drawer was bills for last 2 years, bank statements, insurance paperwork, student loan information, our marriage certificate, son's birth certificate, tax papers. Bottom drawer was all our combined college paperwork, travel brochures we've picked up or sent for, old maps (which he collects and frames when he has the time), pretty much empty other than that.

What I did NOT find: any evidence that the ex and 3 kids exist, other than the obvious wage garnishment on his pay stubs. Any paperwork regarding his court case. Any real record whatsoever of his life before me other than his academic paperwork.

Either he's keeping paperwork elsewhere, or he's been destroying evidence. Of course the kid's mother probably has their birth certificates, but I couldn't find a copy of his, either. Mine was in the folder with our marriage certificate. I can't look on his computer because he's got it with him. He doesn't use his desktop for anything but gaming and watching movies. Or perhaps all along the lawsuit has been a lie as well, covering up that he's funneling a large chunk of money elsewhere on a regular basis (gambling debts? Support to another woman with another child?). I don't want to think that way but I can't seem to help it right now.

I had however totally forgotten that our phones are linked with Find My iPhone. GPS is showing that either he's still in Boston, or else he lost or forgot his phone there (totally believable, he's lost 3 phones in 2 years). If he doesn't have it, that would explain why he hasn't answered my texts or calls. Still doesn't explain why he didn't come home or at least called me from another phone to let me know where he was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Icebearsmom said:


> Oh and Mrs Holland in NY property taxes and mortgage and homeowners insurance are added to your mortgage. You pay the bank and the bank pays the bills. The system is basically in place to make sure the property taxes get paid, because if they don't then the local municipality can seize the property after 3 years of non payment, even if the bank still has a lien on the house. You do NOT pay interest on the taxes and insurance. Incredible, though, I'd never done the math before, but at $8800 a year, one of those 2 monthly mortgage payments is JUST going to pay the property taxes! I kind of think we'll be well rid of the house, my parents pay $1400 a year for a similar sized house and 10 acres of farmland. Not that I would EVER want to send my son to the HORRIBLE rural school I attended.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK I get the escrow thing now, seems odd but it is all what you are used to doing. 

Even so the figures still don't add up. Guess what I am trying to get you to do (albeit in a very clumsy way) is to stand back and have a good look what the truth is behind your financial situation. I would bet that you don't know the half of it. 

Oh and please get yourself to a point where you have some financial knowledge behind you. If you have no idea where things are at then you are a bunny waiting to be taken for a ride.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Why would the mother of the children agree to send the OP any samples from her children for DNA testing? It would not help her. It might actually hurt her ability to get child support.
> 
> DNA test are sold at pharmacies.


It wouldn't effect her child support at all, either way.

If he is actually the father, then the testing just confirms it.

If he's not the biological father, the testing wouldn't change a thing. He has been legal father long enough (5+years) that he is now legally responsible for the children until adulthood.
@Icebearsmom

No, I wouldn't believe a thing he says, either. Chances are, his whole story is a tissue of lies mixed with some truth. You can do a public records check, but a thorough background check (which will take a few days) would likely turn up more information. If you have the funds, maybe hire a PI to do it, including possible interviews with people who knew him then. It would take longer, but you'd have a much more thorough picture.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd call a lawyer today. He's not communicating with you, and he's already making plans for the next "venture" which is selling your house (though you say there is money in savings to cover it) and moving. He clearly doesn't care about your opinion or desires. 

You need to get a lawyer before he sells the house without telling you and disappears, assuming he hasn't done it already. I'd go and get money out of the bank before that all disappears too. He did this to someone once, he'll do it again. It seems like he's already working on it. 

I'd check the bank statements to see if he's paying for a safety deposit box somewhere.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he is not paying the mortgage, but there is money in savings to pay it, you are personally responsible for using that money to pay the mortgage. Letting your house go into foreclosure when you could avoid it is foolisness. Don't do it. Step up and take responsibility.

If you signed the mortgage, you are on the deed and he cannot sell the house without your signature. I recommend that starting now, you take responsibility for anything you sign and for yourself instead of leaving it up to someone else to take care of.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> Even as a 15 year loan at 5.5% which is well above the standard rate the numbers don't add up. How could you not know what the deposit was etc?
> What you need to find out is exactly how much the loan is for and what it is for bc $700 p/fortnight is not for a $140K loan over 15 years. Sounds more like a $200K plus loan.
> 
> Did you co sign or even see the mortgage papers?


Almost all mortgage payments include real estate taxes. These can be over 50% of the payment. Depending where you live, they can be staggering; a property as you describe even more so. Check this out, they are a matter of public record.

IamSomebody


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Icebearsmom said:


> If he is indeed playing with money I don't see where. The account reflects his entire income based on the pay stubs I found. I don't see any payments to credit card companies other than Discover and that card is mine and the numbers look right. No hotel bills, no traveling out of town since our honeymoon. The only thing that bugs me is that he has been lying to me apparently about how much savings we have and how much he has been putting towards retirement. Both of those numbers are a LOT higher than he says they are. But honestly, looking at my own spending, I'm not quite sure I blame him. He might have believed it was the only way to get me to agree to a budget, if he told me we were reaching our spending limit. I'm only just starting to realize how much of his hard earned money I've been throwing away without a second thought. I've been spending $15-20 a DAY in Starbucks alone. Good grief. He would have been well within his rights to totally go off on me over this ****. I DO question why he isn't using the money in savings to keep the mortgage up to date. Seems like he might be looking for an excuse to let the house go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If his pay is direct deposit into his account, it may *NOT* be his entire pay. Direct deposit allows the pay to not only be deposited to different accounts but to different banks and/or credit unions. His pay stub should show where everything goes.

IamSomebody


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Icebearsmom , have you heard from your husband?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Is the house owned in joint names?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> I already went through his filing cabinet fairly thoroughly. If he's hiding paperwork of any importance it's somewhere else. Top drawer was bills for last 2 years, bank statements, insurance paperwork, student loan information, our marriage certificate, son's birth certificate, tax papers. Bottom drawer was all our combined college paperwork, travel brochures we've picked up or sent for, old maps (which he collects and frames when he has the time), pretty much empty other than that.
> 
> What I did NOT find: any evidence that the ex and 3 kids exist, other than the obvious wage garnishment on his pay stubs. Any paperwork regarding his court case. Any real record whatsoever of his life before me other than his academic paperwork.
> 
> ...


How does he pay the law suit? Does he write a check every month? Have you seen it? Who is the check or withdrawal made out to? addressed to?

Years ago I was married to a guy who was very sneaky and a liar. I found a lot by searching every nook and cranny of his car. He was keeping stuff in with the spare tire and the tool compartment, and else where.

He also had stuff tucked under the carpet in the closet. He just pulled up the corner of the carpet and put papers there... that's how I found out that he was moving money into accounts in his mother's name to hide it from me, money that I earned.


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## Citylinesox (Jan 31, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> @Icebearsmom , have you heard from your husband?




Hope she is ok..


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What happened to OP? 

We haven't heard from her in almost a week.


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## Icebearsmom (Oct 20, 2016)

Quick update - long story short - we are getting a quick divorce. Mostly because of the lies. I did a background check and the truth came out that he doesn't see the kids because his ex and her husband have a restraining order against him because he threatened to kill both of them and the kids multiple times after he found out she was cheating and the kids might not be his. He's not even allowed supervised visitation because apparently he even threatened the court ordered visitation supervisor.

He said he won't fight me and he's "grown up" enough since then he's not going to get nasty with me like he did with her. He swears his violent behavior at the time was because he was still using. Whether I believe him or not is pretty much a moot point.

He's already completely moved out and a few days ago I found out he's already moved himself in with some other clueless girl. Havent seen him in over a week now. Don't really expect to. Now I just have to deal with being a single white mom raising a biracial child alone in a Donald Trump world. Which scares me half to death.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> Do you have any knowledgeable friends that know about heating and can come over and give you a lesson?
> 
> As long as the furnace isn't terribly old, code dictates there must be an emergency cutoff switch somewhere. In both my houses this switch was at the top of the basement stairs. Some people keep this switch to off position during spring/summer, but some keep it on always because the furnace doesn't kick in until it needs to.
> 
> ...


Or the thermostat may be set too low?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Icebearsmom said:


> Quick update - long story short - we are getting a quick divorce. Mostly because of the lies. I did a background check and the truth came out that he doesn't see the kids because his ex and her husband have a restraining order against him because he threatened to kill both of them and the kids multiple times after he found out she was cheating and the kids might not be his. He's not even allowed supervised visitation because apparently he even threatened the court ordered visitation supervisor.
> 
> He said he won't fight me and he's "grown up" enough since then he's not going to get nasty with me like he did with her. He swears his violent behavior at the time was because he was still using. Whether I believe him or not is pretty much a moot point.
> 
> ...


With the support of your family and your new friends at TAM, I think you'll make out good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Holy...Sh!t...

Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this, and am glad you came and updated us. I had just been thinking of you and your story earlier today, you must have heard me! And he is already moved in with another woman...unbelievable. Clearly he is not capable of taking care of himself like a grown man. 

Better things are in store for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> Quick update - long story short - we are getting a quick divorce. Mostly because of the lies. I did a background check and the truth came out that he doesn't see the kids because his ex and her husband have a restraining order against him because he threatened to kill both of them and the kids multiple times after he found out she was cheating and the kids might not be his. He's not even allowed supervised visitation because apparently he even threatened the court ordered visitation supervisor.
> 
> He said he won't fight me and he's "grown up" enough since then he's not going to get nasty with me like he did with her. He swears his violent behavior at the time was because he was still using. Whether I believe him or not is pretty much a moot point.
> 
> He's already completely moved out and a few days ago I found out he's already moved himself in with some other clueless girl. Havent seen him in over a week now. Don't really expect to.


I'm sorry that you are going through this. But I'm glad that you have found out the truth and are strong enough to be able to handle what you need to do.

I don't recall the situation with your extended family, but if you can depend on them and even move nearer to them, it might be a good idea.



Icebearsmom said:


> Now I just have to deal with being a single white mom raising a biracial child alone in a Donald Trump world. Which scares me half to death.


I'm sorry but I think this is a bit of hyperbole. Things are not going to change much. Everyone I know who voted for Trump are good, solid people who would never allow anything sort of trouble like this. He, most of them are bi-racial if not more mixed than just 2 races.

There are nuts on all sides of the political spectrum. The non-nuts folks need to all stand together, no matter our political leanings.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Icebearsmom said:


> He's already completely moved out and a few days ago I found out he's already moved himself in with some other clueless girl. Havent seen him in over a week now. Don't really expect to. Now I just have to deal with being a single white mom raising a biracial child alone in a Donald Trump world. Which scares me half to death.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it helps, I live in the midwest and personally know more white moms with bi or multi racial children than I can count off the top of my head. Biracial kids are everywhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icebearsmom said:


> Right at the moment I am focused on finishing up my degree and getting the house packed up and sold. I have to do my internship next semester so I'm looking for a school with on site daycare. After that I guess we'll go wherever the best job offer takes me. Very thankful right now that upstate NY teachers tend to be decently paid (as long as you stay out of the city districts) and have good health insurance.
> 
> I'm not going to judge him over already finding another fool. I do feel sorry for her though. Now he'll be paying support for 4 kids! But we're both very sexual people and the truth is that I've already had sex with another man - a divorced coworker - as well. Difference is I'm not looking to him for a relationship. We were simply commiserating over drinks and he ended up coming home with me that night. It was weird because I've never been totally intimate with anyone except my husband. And what it basically proved to me is that it may be a long time before I find another man I'm as sexually compatible with as I am with him. ...


I quoted your post and removed the racial slur that you used referring to your husband. Racial slurs and racist talk is not allowed on TAM.

The last paragraph of this post is disturbing even without the racial slur part. At this point I think you have been playing with us.


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