# Major blowout last night... did I mess it all up?



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

H had an A in October with a 17 year old girl in my bed, while I was out of town. I found out on Halloween and it ended that night.

When we first started dating, he cheated on me (just kissed) another girl.
When I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter I found messages from a GORGEOUS girl that he worked with and them requesting off work together to hang out and he was going to tell me he had to work, I foudn out before it happened and put a stop to it and we moved.

Last night someone brought her up (we had friends over) and my H admitted he would have slept with her if I hadn't found out.

I blew up on him...
I told him it just feels like a vicious cycle and that everytime something gets tough he finds someone else.

We didn't talk for two hours, though I tried to talk to him. He said I didn't love him and wouldn't say it back to me later that night, so I packed my bags and borrowed my friend's phone to call my dad and went outside. He bust out the door and took the phone away and hung up.

He just kept yelling that I throw the affair in his face every day and I make him hate me... he said I just do it to hurt him, to make him feel guilty.
I told him it's not everyday, and I never throw it in his face I just ask questions, and our counselor said this was good to do. Otherwise I am bottling it up and will ultimately result in me leaving him. He said we're done talking about the affair or we'll end up being done ourselves.

I told him I don't do it make him feel bad/guilty, but I am hurting and cannot just get over it overnight. He says I say things like "Why are you always cheating on me" which I have never said....

My H has made efforts to change, he's been kinder, he's been more affectionate and more loving towards me. But when this got brought up yesterday, and I heard him admit that - something went off in me saying I was stupid for staying and that he will never change, so I told him that...

I know that if his efforts go unrecognized he will stop trying, and I have a feeling this flushed everything down the toilet.

I'm still confused... part of me says to go at least a while to my dad's but my H said if I leave then we are done for good. He doesn't believe in a trial seperation, he believes in all or nothing.

I just don't know what to do.
I feel like nothing got resolved last night...
I don't know if I am in the wrong for what I said, but I don't feel wrong.
I don't even want to be home when he gets here because I am so hurt because of last night...

I just don't know what to do...
Any advice/suggestions/input would be great....


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Yes, you are right, nothing got resolved last night. Nor will it the next or the next or the next. His approach to you may be mean or counterproductive, but I think he has a point. I know therapists say that you have to talk about it to heal and the person who cheated has to give you every detail that you ask for. Im not sure that is entirely true. Its how I felt early on, but it got us nowhere but worse very fast.

He is telling you what you need to do or your relationship will be over, and you arent liking what he is telling you. I dont eaither, but I thinkits true. 

This is not something that is going to ever be "resolved". I think it needs to be dropped or it will kill the relationship. 

Your are probably thinking but how can I trust him again, why should I just let him get away with it? You arent really, you are simply letting it go as something you have no control over. Trying to further control him will push him farther away. 

I know its not fair, but its real.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

You could apologize for last nights blow up, but that you would appreciate him not indulging with what if type information like he did last night. You didint ask the friend to bring up that situation, neither did he. Maybe ask him if you both can come up with a way to answer friends who happen to poke their nose where it shouldnt go in the first place! I would be peeved at the friend... why would they ask that, such a sensitive topic? But dont go of on the friend either... just answer people with things like "we dont really like to discuss that anymore... or its in the past, or come up with some comfortable joke about it... or oh yeah... after all that we have never been closer. You will feel like a team.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Yes, you are right, nothing got resolved last night. Nor will it the next or the next or the next. His approach to you may be mean or counterproductive, but I think he has a point. I know therapists say that you have to talk about it to heal and the person who cheated has to give you every detail that you ask for. Im not sure that is entirely true. Its how I felt early on, but it got us nowhere but worse very fast.
> 
> He is telling you what you need to do or your relationship will be over, and you arent liking what he is telling you. I dont eaither, but I thinkits true.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your response.
I guess I just feel like we are at some sort of impasse. If he can't talk about it, then I can't move on?
If I talk about it, then we're done.

It feels like a lose lose either way.


Last night I felt like a scared child being lectured by their parents. He yelled and yelled and I felt like I was in trouble for doing something horrible. He made me feel like I am the wrong one in our relationship, that everything is my fault.

I have my good days, but then I have those days were something just triggers it and I cannot let go. On these days I bite my tongue, but he just pokes and prods until I spill my guts. Even if I tell him it's not something he wants to talk about.

I guess I will drop it, but it's eating me alive. It's even more tender with what he said yesterday.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have a different opinion on your situation. While I do agree that if you intend to throw this back in his face anytime you have a disagreement (ie 2 years down the road he is upset with you for something totally unrelated and you say 'well, at least I didn't have an affair')...that sort of throwing it in his face indicates you will never forgive and always hold this over his head.

In your case, it's only been a few months ... he had another woman in your bed ... and had intentions of doing so with the woman you talked about last night, if he didn't get caught...I think this is a clear case of him not being able to understand how badly he has hurt you for him to expect you to 'get over it' and stop talking about it. 

What you are feeling is totally normal. He has broken your trust & needs to make an honest attempt to rebuild it. Triggers and these thoughts can take a few years to go away and that is assuming he is being supportive.

The only way I could see him even making that comment last night would be if you had pushed him for an answer and he was being honest. Otherwise, if this was said in front of your friends, it was completely insensitive and disrespectful.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

swedish said:


> I have a different opinion on your situation. While I do agree that if you intend to throw this back in his face anytime you have a disagreement (ie 2 years down the road he is upset with you for something totally unrelated and you say 'well, at least I didn't have an affair')...that sort of throwing it in his face indicates you will never forgive and always hold this over his head.
> 
> In your case, it's only been a few months ... he had another woman in your bed ... and had intentions of doing so with the woman you talked about last night, if he didn't get caught...I think this is a clear case of him not being able to understand how badly he has hurt you for him to expect you to 'get over it' and stop talking about it.
> 
> ...



See last night, I was not trying to throw anything in his face. I was honestly just telling him how I feel. He takes so many thngs I say the wrong way though.

I have thrown it in his face once, and I apologized I don't know how many times.
I don't intend to keep this over his head, but the wounds are so fresh and I still have questions sometimes.

Most of the time he considers me asking him for reassurance as throwing it his face.

And no, he does not understand how hurt I am... he expected me to be over it a week after. I just wish he would help me heal instead of making this worse...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

breakable said:


> See last night, I was not trying to throw anything in his face. I was honestly just telling him how I feel. He takes so many thngs I say the wrong way though.


Trust me, you don't need to explain this to me. Talking about a woman he planned to lie to you and spend the day with, and says 'he would have slept with her had he had the chance'...while your emotions are still raw from an affair a few months back...of course that is going to trigger a lot of emotions, images, questions for you.

If he sees you are hurting, he should be holding you tight and telling you how sorry he is. You deserve some reassurance that he gets how much he hurt you and will not do this again. I think his reaction is very selfish...it's not a pleasant subject so he doesn't want to bring it up...well, geez, neither do you and there would be no need to if he were faithful.

I don't know, I think this falls under the "No $hit Sherlock" category...I just don't get how a cheater can have the 'get over attitude' after a few months of finding out.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Mommy2 had a nice post on how her husband has helped her to heal. It made me realize that it is very hard on their end too if they feel bad...I guess you need to figure out if that is your husband or if he is being insensitive to your feelings.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/10560-just-wanted-share.html


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

OK, I don't normally have much to say but something made me want to comment on this one. 

1) No one can control anyone else. You are expecting him to behave a certain way. I'm not saying that your expectations are wrong but they belong to you. He is acting like someone who is desperately trying to control you not leaving. Don't let his comments of "if you leave its over" influence you. You need to do whats right. You take control of you and don't let him. 

I think its obvious that he doesn't want it to be over or he wouldn't want to keep you from leaving. He knows he was wrong and is afraid and scared that if you leave it will be over. If you leave be willing to understand that he will look for solace somewhere and then if you want to come back you'll have to deal with that as well.

2) You reacted normally however I'm sure how you can see how this would look to him and in hind sight I'm sure you can see how you could have handled things better. 

3) Forgiveness is a choice. Its not just something that happens. If you want to make this work you will need to forgive and while I understand that the hurt will remain and overnight it won't just go away you gotta try if you want this to succeed. Once you make the choice to forgive you have to stick to it. Its almost like it never happened. If you choose to forgive him and someone says something that sparks it back to your memory you have the choice to control yourself. You should just treat it as a separate event not linking it back to the harm done. While we can't just erase our memories we can choose how we are going to respond in the future.

Also remember the forgiveness is for you as much as it is for him. Forgiveness isn't saying what you did was OK, but saying I'm not going to LET the hurt rule me. When you forgive you will feel free. He has to forgive himself too. Don't forget that.

4) Do you love him? Love is more than just an emotion, its actually a verb its an action. Its work and its the tough part. Its not easy but when we love someone you gotta put yourself on the line. You have to be vulnerable if you hold anything back then you aren't putting yourself into it as much as you think. How can you expect him to do the same. Lead with love -- or not. Its your choice. Remember when the people that we love hurt us (and the will) thats when we need to pour it on even more. If you love him with all your heart even with his short comings you have done all you can. In most cases the other will reciprocate but thats not what love and marriage is about, its a choice. 

What will you choose?

I'm willing to bet my thoughts won't really be well received by all but I hope that they at least give you something to think about. 

Choose to forgive and love or choose to resent and move on. You can't stand on the fence between both sides for long.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My H's was found out over a year ago - and still there are moments that come out of the blue that kill me. My rules for myself:

1. Go with my instincts - but do it for myself - not to change or punish him. If someone says something I do NOT lie to myself and blow it off. I just respond honestly. But I don't drag it out. And since I don't drag it out - and he now trusts that I won't - he's learned to let me get it out - then knows it is gone. Took a lot of time, but its getting better.

2. (This one isn't necessary for me anymore - but helped me when I was at your stage...) When we did hit a place where he thought I was over reacting I'd say "Oh, sorry. I must have missed class the day they taught people how to act properly when your H of a million years has an A. I'm trying not to 'do it wrong." This is not a pill he would swallow easily - but the notion of "I know I'm doing it wrong - but I'm doing the best I can" gets the point across that we - none of us - are experts in how to deal with this sh#t.

3. I have decided that I need to make no decisions right now. In time decisions will be made for me. Either he will continue to be the much nicer/better person he is and will stay on that path, or he won't. Or, because he's introduced the notion that we just in fact might not be together forever... and say George Clooney decides that he's in love with me... well. C'est la vie.

Sounds like I'm joking - I'm not. Its just become part of my life now. Seriously, it sucks to have to have this as part of our lives. But when we're feeling down, look at the world around us. Look at the families in Haiti. The pain and suffering others must endure is incredible. Mine hurts - is life shifting. But its not cancer. Its not Haiti. It just is.
I'm sorry its part of yours now too. Good luck to you.


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