# My wife 'needs time'



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

When I was about to bring up divorce last time, she was going through some emotional stuff with the 1 year anniversary of the death of her mother. I decided to let her mourn.

I finally sat her down and talked. I spoke with indifference. I can't believe I still love her, but I had to speak with indifference. However, a few things happened which have caused me some issues.

First, after a long talk, about divorce and ending the marriage, why it had come to this, her faults and mine, she said "I just need some time." Of course, in the moment, I thought 'Well, I do to. I haven't found a place to live or figured out my finances.' After the fact I consider what she said as more like "I don't know if I love you enough to stay or if I want to go at it on my own. Give me some time to figure out if I want to toss you to the side or not."

I told her she doesn't have much time to decide (That's my first problem, let her think she's making a decision). She asked "How long?" I told her a day, a week maybe a month. At the time I was thinking about how long it would take me to pack up and get a place to stay. Now I wish I had said "Tomorrow."

Then, I came home today, got on my wifes computer (For reasons that are valid) and saw she had gone through an entire adult store website looking at dildos and vibrators.

Should I care? No. But I do. Why is it that I'm not good enough for sex but a toy is? Of course I have no idea how to bring this up in a conversation or even if I should. She says her libido is really low for all sorts of reasons, yet she's getting a sex toy. That doesn't make sense. Unless she's preparing for a life on her own where she'll want it. I don't know. And even if I do bring it up in conversation, I wonder how much BS would get thrown my way like "I was looking at it to maybe thrown some spice into our sex life."

I wish I could press a button and have everything done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does she say the problems are in the marriage?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

She says they are all on her.

1. The way she was raised. Her mother was a hardass and told her "You can only rely on yourself, no one else." While I do know about this, she DOES rely on me and has for a long time. So how this is an issue now, I have no idea.

2. We have bills. The debt is because of her mother mostly. Paying it back is not easy but it will get done. 

3. Her job is not stable in that she's in a male dominated society and will eventually get pushed out. This puts a certain amount of pressure on her. However, if all else fails and we should both suddenly become jobless, we could easily move back to my country and live a much more relaxed life. Even with that, she's not happy.

4. She feels she's failed me because she wasn't able to have kids. Her age was a factor. She says "It doesn't matter how many times you tell me that we will have a life, just one without kids, I still feel like you can move on to a person who can have kids."

As far as the marriage itself, she doesn't complain. She says I'm a good person, a good husband and that she respects me and is proud of me. This is where things throw me off because if I'm such a 'good husband' why am I being treated like this? Her infidelity, she says, still bothers her. It does me as well since there was little remorse shown after. I asked her what it is she would want of me or would like to see me do different etc. She says, and I quote "Nothing. This is all my fault."

I've made several positive changes over the last few years. Getting back into shape, although I never was out of shape but just really leaning out. I've taken on more work to help with the bills, especially now that I'm not taking care of her mother, which was mostly on me. I put very little pressure on her. I cook my own food (Part of getting in shape as well) and clean up after myself. About the only thing I don't do is laundry, but I do take it out or bring it in. I don't drink much, except maybe at a social function. I don't smoke or gamble.

The only negative change I know that's happened is I've become less outgoing. This is because I had no idea where my marriage was at. There was no sex which made me unhappy. She knew the whole time I was unhappy and admitted, by accident, that she didn't like seeing me unhappy knowing it was her fault, that's why she works late/overtime. When I pointed out that she just admitted to 'ignoring' the relationship, she tried to backpeddle, but the damage was done.

If I woke up tomorrow and she was a beast in bed for weeks, came home and engaged in the relationship, smiled and was visibly happy to be with me, I could see myself putting divorce on the backburner. But I don't see that happening.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She is just not into you man. That is why she cheated, that is why she won't engage in working on the marriage. Women who love their husbands act like they love their husbands. She does not love you. If she did there would be no hesitation in her part to fix what she broke. 

She is feeding you excuses and half promises to keep you around while she goes out and looks for a new man. Those sex toys may be for herself or they could be a clue that she is a actively cheating on you again with another dude.

She has left the marriage bro, and right now you are just an ATM. File for D, do the 180 and stop torturing yourself.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> She is just not into you man. That is why she cheated, that is why she won't engage in working on the marriage. Women who love their husbands act like they love their husbands. She does not love you. If she did there would be no hesitation in her part to fix what she broke.
> 
> She is feeding you excuses and half promises to keep you around while she goes out and looks for a new man. Those sex toys may be for herself or they could be a clue that she is a actively cheating on you again with another dude.
> 
> She has left the marriage bro, and right now you are just an ATM. File for D, do the 180 and stop torturing yourself.


Out of morbid curiosity, how would the toys be connected to cheating?

I get that she's hanging on and that survival instincts are kicking in for her. If she has another dude, I would imagine she'd be happy to leave this marriage. She can have the apartment, she can move out and live with the other guy.

As I type this, and I can't believe the timing, she's saying that since it's my bday, we can have sex. She doesn't say this to me, ever. And while divorce is the plan, my gray matter isn't in full control right now.

OK. Relax, I'm back. I don't know why she's suddenly put sex on the table. I know I can't. I don't trust where she's been. I know this is going to lead to an argument when she gets home. Not what I wanted to do today. This has been the worst birthday ever...except for the time I caught her cheating a few days before my birthday. OK, now I feel better about saying NO to sex.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The toys may or may not be a sign of cheating. What they are a sign of is a sexual and physical disconnect. She would rather have sex with plastic than you. 

She is not into you, doesn't want you. The sex she is offering is pity sex...an olive branch to appease you, keep you sucked in while she makes plans.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> She says they are all on her.
> 
> 1. The way she was raised. Her mother was a hardass and told her "You can only rely on yourself, no one else." While I do know about this, she DOES rely on me and has for a long time. So how this is an issue now, I have no idea.
> 
> ...


Your story sounds exactly like mine. Been separated from my wife for almost 4 weeks now. She is slowly showing major signs of being totally detached from our marriage or any type of reconcile. She's told me numerous times that there is not another man in the picture but also says that we are separated and "single". Tells me that if I meet someone she does not want to know about it. I wish I could offer some advice but I just wanted to say hang in there and and as hard as it is start working on yourself and stop thinking about her.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Alright. The update:

She came home and had a couple glasses of wine. This loosened her up. I asked her to be honest and that I was going to ask some tough questions:

Q. Why has there been no sex?
A. I don't know if it's my hormones or mental issues. I love you, but it's like my love changed so that you are a family member. I can have sex, but I can't say I want to have sex.

Q. Why are you trying to have sex now?
A. I know that sex is important to you. I want to try. But I can't say that I actually want sex.

Q. Why are you looking at ordering vibrators?
A. That's part of me trying. I wanted to do something to make things better. I didn't actually order anything though because I don't know what is good and what isn't. I don't want anything to stick inside of me. Just something for the outside.

Q. Can you kiss me with passion?
A. No. I don't see you that way right now. Just right now. I don't know why.

Q. Is there another man (And I went into detail about how important it was to stay honest and that I would like to see her phone etc.)
A. No. I'm not interested in sex with anyone. I love you and I don't want to replace you but if someone lived here instead of you it would be the same as far as sex. I wouldn't want to. 

Q. Do you know that the reason we're getting a divorce (Or talking about it so far) is because of the lack of sex and intimacy?
A. Yes. That's why I'm trying my best now.

Q. Don't you think it's too little too late?
A. (sad face)

She went on to say that she's been talking with an online counselor. New to me. She also admits that her hormones might be out of whack. I asked her if she ever considered getting them checked. She seemed like she wasn't interested, like having her hormones out of whack was fine.

She tried to hold my hand, cuddle. She kept apologizing about the lack of sex. Eventually she passed out and I decided to have a drink of my own. In the morning she went about getting ready for work. She asked that we talk again when she got home from work. I told it was time to move on. I told her she had to make plans to move out. She can't afford our current apartment on her own. She kept saying "I DO love you." and that just felt like a kick in the balls each time. Before she left she said that she thinks that this is her 'pattern'. Have strong emotional feelings for someone and that slowly transitions into feeling more like family.

I gotta get to the gym. I need to take out my frustrations in a productive manner. It'll be a good 10 hours before she's home from work. I've got the whole day off to feel like crap.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You're doing the right thing. 

Based on all your threads, I think your wife is depressed. It is a combination of things, self esteem, FOO issues, no children, hormonal maybe, menopause...whatever it is, she knows that it is internal and her responsibility to take care of it. And yet she refuses to do anything about it. She could do herself a lot of good going to therapy, medication, etc. but she won't. And so far there haven't been any consequences. 

You've been too passive and have just been 'talking' about it...for years now.

It's action time. You need to force the issue. Get the separation done. And if nothing changes in the next 30 or 60 days, finalize the divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her to go to the doctor or go find a lawyer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The sad hard truth is that if the marriage actually meant anything to her...if you actually meant anything to her...she would be on her knees begging you to not divorce her. 

I say get the ball rolling, but if she moves out don't be surprised to find her dating other guys within a couple of weeks of moving out. Her past cheating tells me that her libido and sex drive are just fine. She wants you to be the bad guy. For some weird reason the one who files for divorce always gets the blame for ending the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

How long ago was her infidelity? If she does not have someone specifically lined up, or is planning to get the space to start lining them up, then perhaps it is the withdrawl or memory of the brain chemicals that happen when in an affair. You, as her husband - "family" (as in familiar) cannot compete with that. You are essentially getting the ILYBINILWY from her, and she is so focussed on getting in love again (the brain chemicals) that she has chosen to view you as an obstacle to her happiness, and has checked out. Almost everyone that has been cheated on has heard the exact same thing (I can't kiss you passionately because you are like a family member). That to me is a BS response which they simply use to shirk their own responsibilities and committments. It also is a sure fire way to get you to not want to initiate sex because what kind of monster would want sex with someone who they view that way? I believe that uttering this is a manipulative way to get out of your commitment and is emotionally abusive.

Have you looked up the 180 yet?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Lon said:


> How long ago was her infidelity? If she does not have someone specifically lined up, or is planning to get the space to start lining them up, then perhaps it is the withdrawl or memory of the brain chemicals that happen when in an affair. You, as her husband - "family" (as in familiar) cannot compete with that. You are essentially getting the ILYBINILWY from her, and she is so focussed on getting in love again (the brain chemicals) that she has chosen to view you as an obstacle to her happiness, and has checked out. Almost everyone that has been cheated on has heard the exact same thing (I can't kiss you passionately because you are like a family member). That to me is a BS response which they simply use to shirk their own responsibilities and committments. It also is a sure fire way to get you to not want to initiate sex because what kind of monster would want sex with someone who they view that way? I believe that uttering this is a manipulative way to get out of your commitment and is emotionally abusive.
> 
> Have you looked up the 180 yet?


PA was 5 years ago. 

I was doing the 180 for 6 months. That's when I first brought up divorce.

So, from what you say, she still has that fantasy fog of what it was like to be with another man and I'm no longer in her league competing with that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The infatuation "high" from a new relationship is like a drug. Many keep chasing it with someone new once it wears off in a relationship. 

Who knows what she truly is thinking but obviously she has lost her connection with you (and that may or may not go back to before her infidelity).


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I don't know much about you or your relationship but based on what you have said, and my own experiences, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that after she cheated on you, she tried to "force" herself to find you her romantic interest again. I'm suggesting that after a prolonged period of "trying" and not succeeding, her romantic interest in you has dissolved completely. We all know that for women, no romantic interest generally = no sexual interest. 

It might be time to call it quits by the sound of it. I can't imagine any way back from here.

I think there is a slim chance that you leaving her could spark her interest, but I don't think it would be worth returning to.

Sorry man.


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