# How did you tell your wife you wanted a separation/divorce?



## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

While I've had several talks with my wife about what we should do about our marriage...everything from being in an open one to getting a separation or divorce, no one has made an official move. I really love and care for her, but feel like I'm missing out on life, happiness and just being "me", not to mention live without the fighting and accusations.

It's been good recently, and usually I wait till after a big fight to talk about separating, but I'm wondering If I should just get it over with without a fight to back me up.

How did you approach your wife about separation/divorce...how did she take it, and how did you feel? Naturally I feel terrible...too terrible to just tell her I'm moving out and get on with it. A part of me wonders if I'll regret it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Unfixable?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Is the marriage worth saving? If so, you might consider MC. If not, the sooner you have the talk with your W the better. No one can tell you what to say or how to say it, but if there really is no hope - don't beat around the bush. Just tell her what you have told us here and have done with it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Having read your other thread in Considering Divorce or Separation, I would say you just need to sit her down and have a calm talk with her. I would not wait for a fight to do it. Tell her you think it best for both of you to divorce and that you'd like it to be as amicable as possible. Then just go ahead and file the papers to get the divorce started. And try to actually keep things amicable.

You want to cheat or have an open marriage, your wife is "paranoid" about you possibly cheating, your marriage is combative and difficult, you don't seem willing to actually commit to your marriage, and you have a serious disconnect in what each of you thinks a marriage should look like. Plus, you're less than 3 years into the marriage, which means that all this has happened in what should have been the "honeymoon" stage. Time to get out now with as little hardship for everyone as possible. Divorce will be painful now, but putting it off again and again will only create more hurt and anger, rather than less.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

KookedFish said:


> While I've had several talks with my wife about what we should do about our marriage...everything from being in an open one to getting a separation or divorce, no one has made an official move. I really love and care for her, but feel like I'm missing out on life, happiness and just being "me", not to mention live without the fighting and accusations.
> 
> It's been good recently, and usually I wait till after a big fight to talk about separating, but I'm wondering If I should just get it over with without a fight to back me up.
> 
> How did you approach your wife about separation/divorce...how did she take it, and how did you feel? Naturally I feel terrible...too terrible to just tell her I'm moving out and get on with it. A part of me wonders if I'll regret it.


I have no answers but sympathise. 

We have had two recent conversations where she told me that if I want kids or someone who gets a job (she wants to go to college first), then it will have to be another woman. 

Fair enough then.

With the pressure of having the marriage work off my shoulders, we are getting on better.

That said, I am seeing a lawyer first.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

I feel like I'd rather separate than divorce. It's crazy how much our parents affect us in this arena. Both my parents are divorced multiple times, and hers just separated after years and years. 

I grew up thinking I'd never marry but wanted to try, and it was the happiest day of my life when we read those vows. Soon after the very short Honeymoon Phase, our relationship turned much worse than when we were dating or engaged. Basically marriage ruined our relationship, or at least amplified the pre-existing problems.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What would the point to separating be, instead of getting divorced? Most likely, you'll go off and get some strange, which will make reconciling impossible anyway. Plus the divorce will take weeks/months anyway...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

You are a renter! Just when your perceived value of marital stock falls (left the honeymoon stage)...you want to drop it...

Be respectful and at least hold onto some integrity and file for divorce.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

All a separation will do is allow you to keep your wife waiting in the wings as a backup plan, just in case you ever decide you actually want to be a husband to her at some point down the road. I seems you want to be free to sleep with other people, while keeping your marriage as a possible option, leaving your wife in separation-limbo. That's selfish and self-serving of you. So divorce and free both of you to move on with your lives.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

KookedFish said:


> I feel terrible...too terrible to just tell her I'm moving out and get on with it. A part of me wonders if I'll regret it. .


I do not think you are ready for this yet or you would know all that needs to be done is hand her the D papers and move out. But you still must feel something and you are insecure about the divorce. The question you need to ask yourself is, *why?*


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

KookedFish said:


> While I've had several talks with my wife about what we should do about our marriage...everything from being in an open one to getting a separation or divorce, no one has made an official move. I really love and care for her, but feel like I'm missing out on life, happiness and just being "me", not to mention live without the fighting and accusations.
> 
> It's been good recently, and usually I wait till after a big fight to talk about separating, but I'm wondering If I should just get it over with without a fight to back me up.
> 
> How did you approach your wife about separation/divorce...how did she take it, and how did you feel? Naturally I feel terrible...too terrible to just tell her I'm moving out and get on with it. A part of me wonders if I'll regret it.


Perhaps you could explain what this issues are? It might well affect the approach.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

KookedFish said:


> I feel like I'd rather separate than divorce. It's crazy how much our parents affect us in this arena. Both my parents are divorced multiple times, and hers just separated after years and years.
> 
> I grew up thinking I'd never marry but wanted to try, and it was the happiest day of my life when we read those vows. Soon after the very short Honeymoon Phase, our relationship turned much worse than when we were dating or engaged. Basically marriage ruined our relationship, or at least amplified the pre-existing problems.


This is what you seem to be saying.
You want your wife to be there for you, but you think it may be better to divorce her because you are not satisfied with her. You want other women as well.
You like how it makes you feel to be loved and cared for by your wife, but your sexual desires for other women are not under control, so you want to be able to have sex with whomever else you want.
In order to get what you want, you would rather be separated instead of divorced, because that takes you wife out of your house. It would be more convenient to bring other women into your bed if you didn’t have to deal with it also being your wife’s bed, plus having your wife in the house while you are having sex with other women might cause issues with your wife interfering with your sexual relationships with other women and making it difficult to concentrate on having sex with someone else or may cause other women to not want to have sex with you under those circumstances.
If you are separated and not divorced, you can probably still enjoy the love, affection, nurturing of your wife and sex when you want it, since you would still be married. It would be a lot easier to tell her that there is no one else if you don’t live together.
If that is what you are saying, you have no commitment to your wife or the vows you made to her. You are using her and treating her in an unconscionable manner.
This is what you could tell your wife:
Wife,
I want you to understand that what I am about to say is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you that would make me think or act this way. I have some deep character flaws that cause me to want to have sex with as many women as possible without anyone in my way. I do not want to be married, unless I can have other women as well, but since that upsets you, I realize that it would only make things more difficult for me if I were to try to keep you and be sexually promiscuous at the same time. Because of this, I have to say that my sexual desires are more important to me than my vows to you and it would be best for you if we divorce as soon as possible. I know this hurts you, but my feelings are more important to me than your feelings, my vows or anything else. However, I do realize that, even though I don’t want to lose you, it would be unworkable to be married to you and have other women as well.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Rowan and CynthiaDe...you're right. A separation would just be selfish and low of me. My wife takes great care of me, and has nurtured me into a better man. And despite her shortcomings, the way I'm feeling is my fault, and I realize after hearing from everyone here my problem is sex. I get bored with partners after a while, and don't know what to do with myself. Porn is just a band-aid, and after a while you want the real thing.

I could decide to put away my urges, but who knows how long that will last. And we're both very insecure people. When I was infatuated with her in the beginning, I was the insecure one. Now that the tables are turned, she's the insecure one. I wish x 100 that I didn't get married and put her through this. I thought I could change.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Oh, did you know that porn may actually be the cause of this? There is research showing that porn can cause a person to become unhappy with monogamy. Not only that, but it can also cause a person to want more and more unusual and even deviant sexual experiences. For some men, it gets to the point where they are not even turned on by a real person anymore. Had you considered a porn fast for a couple of months to see how that impacts your thinking? It might actually solve your problems if you give up porn.
It is good the see you thinking about your wife's feelings. If you don't solve these issues, you won't be able to have a satisfying relationship, which can greatly impact your life in a negative way permanently. I recommend you give up porn, in exchange for learning to have a satisfying relationship with your wife. Then you would both be happy. There are other things that you can work on to learn how to love your wife in the mean time. And you can work together to improve your sex life too.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Why would you ever expect that that conversation would go well or wouldn't hurt her? I work for a Marriage & Family Non-Profit Ministry and know that divorce is not a sudden answer to all your un-happiness issues. In fact, statistics show that people who consider divorce but decide to stay together, are happier five years later than those who decide to go forward with the divorce. In my own personal life, I wish every day that I could go back in time and do whatever it took to save my marriage. I am now four years out from my divorce and there isn't much to be happy about.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Oh, did you know that porn may actually be the cause of this?


I understand that this may be a negative factor in our marriage, however in every relationship I've been in, for the first 6 months, or the honeymoon phase, we'd have sex like rabbits and I'd still watch porn. The real sex turned me on to the point where I'd watch more than usual just to satisfy myself while she was away.

After the honeymoon phase is over and the rabbit-lust is gone, I'll watch porn every day or two (maybe even three), and still desire real women. The problem for me is that I took the woman I'm with as my wife for all the wrong reasons - ignoring all the signs from both me and her. She likes to smoke, I'm an ex-smoker who can't stand it. She gets drunk often, I drink for the taste and a mellow buzz. I get bored with women after a while, and the lack of sex becomes an issue down the road. The list goes on.

I'm not sure if it's the porn. It's the complex mix of his/her problems that make up any long-term dysfunctional relationship.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is no harm in doing a porn fast for six months to see if it would help to resolve the issues you are having. It could save your marriage, bring great happiness to your wife and make your life much more fulfilling. It won't hurt anything to try it, but it could be just what you need to break out of this negative place you have found yourself. If you divorce your wife and live a life of shallow relationships based only on sex, you are going to miss having a loving, nurturing relationship with you wife and will probably deeply regret your choice. Take a chance. Give up the porn and focus on loving your wife and living with her in an understanding way. The plan that you have is a negative plan. A positive plan would likely serve you better.


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