# Should I talk to him?



## Regan (Jul 14, 2009)

Here's the story...

I found out that my husband saw his ex-girlfriend (the one before me) ("the Girl") a week ago, Monday night, when he was suppose to be in a meeting. I honestly think that they just happened to see each other at the same place and that they did not meet on purpose. The following day (Tuesday), my husband sent a text message to the Girl "It was really great seeing you last night." The Girl responded "It was really great seeing you too. You look exactly the same." My husband responded "I gained a few pounds. And you, you look very pretty and glowing." And the rest of the text message exchange that I saw was about the Girl's sister who gave birth a couple of years back.

On Thursday, the Girl sent an email to my husband attaching a picture of her niece. "per your request, attached is a picture of my niece." Also on the same day it seems that the Girl sent a text message to my husband that she already sent the email. My husband responded that he was out of the office the whole day and was not yet able to respond to check his email. He said that "he was at her area all day." The Girl asked where he went and my husband mentioned the places he went to and asked her if she's at home most of the day or if she put more store. I did not get to read her reply. He sent another text message "Wow that's great news. I plan to put up my own firm soon."

As a background, at the start of my relationship with my husband (before we got married), I know he was choosing between me and the Girl.

I want to talk to my husband and tell him that I know that he started communicating with the Girl again and that it bothers me a lot and that her presence in our lives could potentially ruin our marriage. Without actually saying it, I would want him to stop talking to her. In all honesty, if we werent married, I would have cooled things off with him upon finding out about this incident.

So, should I talk to him or am I creating a problem/issue when there is none?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Interesting you mention in your post that you're husband was choosing between you and the ex early on in your relationship. That would be a HUGE red flag for me. Indicating he hasn't emotionally got her out of his head yet. Not a good way to start new with someone else at all. When I start dating I want to be DAMN good and sure I have the ex out of my system before moving forward and vice versa for the person I will be dating. No hang ups early on. But..that being said you married him and now you have to deal with the here and now. He's definitely crossed the line and you need to speak to him about healthy boundaries and respecting the woman he did marry, his wife which is you. Good Luck.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Regan said:


> So, should I talk to him or am I creating a problem/issue when there is none?


Since this is an old girl friend there are risks associated in his communications with her. There is a potential for an EA or PA. You are not creating problems in the marriage the contact with her is. It is easy to meet up with an old lover and wonder about one’s choices. I think you need to talk to him about or it will eat you up inside. He may react negatively because you snooped, but if you don’t intervene the contact will likely escalate. This contact bothers you and he needs to understand that. I would also be curious at to why he didn’t tell you he had run into her. This will be a tough conversation so prepare for it and be confident, understanding and firm in your boundaries. Good luck.


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## enigma99 (Jun 15, 2009)

As someone who had had to deal with infidelity on the part of my wife in our marriage, and is still with her, I will have to say that you need to be careful here. Without knowing any more of the background than what you present here, I really don't see anything inappropriate in the text messages and emails you quote. Business associates and friends have exchanges like that all the time. If you blow this out of proportion, you run the risk of creating an environment of lack of trust, and could drive this underground, only making it worse.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

enigma99 said:


> I really don't see anything inappropriate in the text messages and emails you quote. Business associates and friends have exchanges like that all the time. If you blow this out of proportion, you run the risk of creating an environment of lack of trust, and could drive this underground, only making it worse.


Agreed there is that risk. Also, me being in a marriage the survived a serious EA I wished I had reacted more quickly. I knew about the contact early on and it looked to be innocent enough but then it went subterranean and she fell in love with him. Wish I had nipped it in the bud in the first place. But good point enigma.


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## Regan (Jul 14, 2009)

enigma99 said:


> I really don't see anything inappropriate in the text messages and emails you quote.


Thanks enigma99, somehow your statement gave me comfort. And I am definitely concerned about having THE TALK backfire at me and make things worse. Hence, my question above.

But 1nurse and Amplexor (thanks!) do raise good points and I absolutely agree with Amplexor that this will eat me up inside as it already does now. In fact, I am very scared of an EA developing between them. Maybe I will talk to him this weekend. Hopefully, it will make things better. If it backfires, I hope you guys can help me out again 

For others out there reading this thread, please let me know your thoughts. It would be greatly appreciated.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, I would most _certainly_ approach him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He's going to focus on HOW you found out he saw her, downplay the exchange, and be irritated with you "snooping".

Then, after hostilities are exchanged he will be far more sneaky in how he gets in touch with this or other women.

He is not being honorable.

If I were you, I would collect more evidence before he is on to your checking on him.

Don't show your cards just yet.


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## Regan (Jul 14, 2009)

michzz said:


> He's going to focus on HOW you found out he saw her, downplay the exchange, and be irritated with you "snooping".
> 
> .


When I talk to him, I won't reveal what I found out in his cellphone. I'll just mention the email that I found. He knows that I looked at his email that day. And I tell him that it bothers me to know that his communicating with her. 

If he really loves me and wants our marriage to work, the fact that it bother me should be enough for him to reconsider his moves and stop talking to her, right? :scratchhead:

I want to prevent something happening between them rather than wait until things have happened already.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Dunno. If he is deluding himself into thinking that he's not doing anything wrong, he may feel like he should be allowed to have the friends he wants to have regardless of your feelings.

Then the question is, will he lie to you about it.


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## Regan (Jul 14, 2009)

Here's an update.

So I talked to him this weekend. I just told him about the email that I saw and nothing else and how much it bothered me. He said I should have told him at the first instance that it bothered me and he won't be friends with his ex-girlfriend (this came from him, I didn't ask for him not to be friends with her).

It was a short convo. He didn't explain the email nor tell me about any contact that he had we her. I didn't ask either.

That should be good enough, right? And that I/we should move forward now, right?


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

In a perfect world that should be good enough - but the question is - are you comfortable with this response, do you feel it was sincere and how does it make you feel, do you feel he addressed your concerns or brushed them off with "ok we won't be friends anymore"?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It could be genuine or not. 

I know I've had something like this with my wife before. We were at a bar and I saw a REALLY old ex girlfriend from high school (along with some other HS friends) that I dated for a few months, I talked to her and the rest of the group briefly, just your typical, "What are you up to these days" type of conversation. Jobs, Wives, Kids, etc. Nothing bad at all. Although she was there, she was talking to other people so didn't know what was said. 

We ALL exchanged email addresses with each other. She sent me an email with basic small talk crap. And of course one a typical, "We should all go out together sometime" kind of a thing. I didn't think anything of it. I replied with a typical, "yeah, that would be cool". Anyway, I got another email back from her, and I opened it up and my wife came in just asking what I was doing, I told her I was checking my email, she looked over my shoulder to read (I wasn't hiding anything), and when she saw who it was from, she was VERY upset. Mainly because it was an ex-girlfriend. I HONESTLY had no idea she would get upset as I said, it was a total of 3 emails (2 from her, 1 from me) with nothing of any substance in it. I said the exact same thing, if I would've known it would upset her, I wouldn't have done it. I was telling the truth. I let her read everything that I emailed. I told her I would let her read anything else that came. She never emailed again, wife got over it quick enough and it was over.

Moral of the story, guys (well I guess women too) don't realize how things LOOK sometimes. I knew it was nothing. It was just stupid conversation with a person from High School. I honestly had no idea it would hurt her. I guess I didn't think past the level of the fact that there wasn't anything being said that was bad, nothing that could even be considered bad happening, and it was just an old friend. So why would it bother her....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Regan said:


> That should be good enough, right? And that I/we should move forward now, right?


To an extent, that should wrap things up. But make it clear that you are not comfortable with him having private exchanges with women. 

That will clear up any future confusion if he wants to fool himself that it is merely that woman he shouldn't act inappropriately with.

And do verify his activities for a time. How long depends on what you see and your comfort levels -- not his.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

michzz said:


> And do verify his activities for a time. How long depends on what you see and your comfort levels -- not his.


I would agree with this. I wouldn't start installing keyloggers or anything like that. But kind of keep an eye out for those typical signs... Like if he's deleting his text messages all the time, clearing the search history on the computer, guarding his cell phone, changing passwords, etc. etc. etc.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Regan said:


> Here's an update.
> 
> So I talked to him this weekend. I just told him about the email that I saw and nothing else and how much it bothered me. He said I should have told him at the first instance that it bothered me and he won't be friends with his ex-girlfriend (this came from him, I didn't ask for him not to be friends with her).
> 
> ...


What does your gut say???


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