# Contemplating divorce, what do I do?



## noname82 (Feb 3, 2009)

I'm at a very important crossroads with my marriage. We've been married for nearly 3 years and are both young professionals. The problem is I mostly feel that he doesn't really care about me. That he is incredibly selfish and is content being that way. Not to mention verbally abusive.

For example: I sing for a local choral group. He refuses to attend my performances. When I got a solo he even complained about having to go. He said I just wanted to show off.

He develops obsessions (he will deny this) for example he owns over 250 tropical plants which we must keep alive through winter by converting our garage into a greenhouse in addition to two outside greenhouses. At one point he said that unless I developed a genuine interest in plants (it wasn't enough that I just helped him when he needed it.) he would make me get rid of one of my cats.

We both work fulltime. He makes slightly more than I do. We also own an LLC which recently began making a good deal of money. This is a project he began before we married. I've made it clear that I don't want to work 3 jobs...which is essentially what I would be doing since I do all the housework. I work full time, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, take care of all our 22 pets (16 birds, 3 cats, 2 chinchillas and a dog) He does feed the birds at night (they are parrots and eat 2 times a day) and will let the dog out on occasion. I do laundry, vacuum, do all the shopping, bills, bathrooms. I also keep the books and do the taxes for the business as well as ship items and handle anything that requires contact with other people which he avoids at all costs. Yet he has called me lazy and a mooch. Now, even though we are more than financially secure, he wants me to find another hobby to make more money!! 

This past summer I finally broke psychologically I couldn't handle it. He was blowing up at me over very minor issues (like spilling dirt in the grass while planting flowers). He'd call me an f***ing retard, stupid, etc. (He stopped this for awhile after I went to a therapist but he recently started doing it again). I had never spoken to anyone about this before. I reached out to my sister who was outraged by this behavior. With her help and that of my therapist I have begun to stick up for myself, mostly to no avail. He won't even go out to a movie or dinner. Yet he claims he loves me and swings between wanting to cuddle all the time to yelling at me and saying I'm the cause for all his anxiety and I've "held him back."

I have several friends and coworkers who enjoy my company. He has no friends and very stiff relationships with his family. One of the biggest disappointments I have is that he talks about himself all the time. His obsessions must become mine. Yet he rarely inquires about my day. I'm a writer and never reads my published work. He gets jealous that his family asks about my career at family gatherings. For example I just got back from a visit to my sister. He barely welcomed me home. All he did was dump all the work on me again. IN contrast I came back to work and my boss had brought me a doughnut with a welcome back post-it. How thoughtful. 

Where I stand now is tenuous and scary. I am applying for a graduate program where my sister lives across the country. Of course I haven't told him. Which makes me feel very dishonest, but considering how he treats me...I have trouble feeling too bad about it. Yet I still do feel bad about it. Every hug I give feels like a lie. But I don't feel like he is trying...it's always my fault. If I could help him figure out his mental problems. He won't see a doctor, he even adamantly refuses to visit my therapist even though I offered to find a new one neither of us has been to before. Initially he made me promise to never ask him to go. When I did go he wanted a transcript of the sessions..which were...duh...mostly about him.

I'm not happy. I still have feelings for him, but I'm not sure if it's mostly duty or guilt. Lately our marriage vows have been going through my head...but hasn't he violated those with his behavior? He's never truly been physical with me (once he jabbed me in the stomach with a cardboard tube and he used to on several occasions (up until a few months ago) wrap me in a comforter covering my head and pin me down until I was screaming, kicking and crying it scared me so much. I confronted him about it just a few weeks ago and he said it was a joke- that I shouldn't be afraid of such a thing.

What do I do?


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

run away as fast as you can for the abuse alone


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i agree, he sounds very controlling and narcissism. he also sounds jealous of your accomplishments. and you deserve better. 

you sound like you have enough hobbies, and work, and you live life to the fullest. he is "holding you back" not the other way around. maybe secretly he feels insufficient next to you and makes you pay for it. maybe he is 100% dependant on you and hates you for it. 

whatever it is it is not healthy for you. if he refused to seek help or change, then let him go.


----------



## noname82 (Feb 3, 2009)

I think that may well be my only option. I feel horrible like I"m living a double life, which essentially I am. I'm going to make an appt. with a divorce attorney. 

My husband even admitted to me last night that we had more of a marriage of convenience....convenient for him maybe. I'd sure like to have someone take care of me like a king and then berate them for not doing enough or being good enough or meeting all my ridiculous expectations. He said we aren't "friends." Well, yes friends would imply sharing, sacrifice and fun. Mostly I've had pressure, imprisonment and work. Doesn't exactly foster friendship. 

I don't think he has much of a clue as to what I'm planning. I know I'm not a runaway wife as that new post said. I've begged him to do therapy with me. I've cried, I've tried. He is unmovable. Maybe he'll miss me when I'm gone, maybe he'll be happier. I honestly hope for the latter.


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Take a day off and don't tell him. Come back home when he is at work, pack your bags and run to your sisters house and get a restraining order.


----------



## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi

Being with a man in marriage (for your case) means that you can look forward to his encouragement, support and strength when you need. And this man rejoice with you when you succeed, and when you fail in some things in life, he provides a shoulder for you to cry or a listening ear. Once a while, he wil surprise you with a gift, dinner or something wonderful when he cam make you laugh and happy. And of course, you can do these too.

I am sure you know what I am getting at. From your thread, he is living his own life, not really identifying with you and take no thoughts in your happiness and success. 

I think the situation is very clear here. It is a hard decision but in the long run, it will benefit you.

As for physical and verbal abuse, it SHOULD NEVER be tolerated!!!!

Kbobby
yup2life.com


----------



## Momto9 (Feb 5, 2009)

He pinned you down in a comforter until you were screaming? I agree with overitnolove. Get out as fast as you can. It has only been 3 years. His physical abuse will gradually get worse. In a few more years it is possible he will be threatening to kill you and may do it. He is a bully. Run..................


----------



## Momto9 (Feb 5, 2009)

He pinned you down in a comforter until you were screaming? I agree with overitnolove. Get out as fast as you can. It has only been 3 years. His physical abuse will gradually get worse. In a few more years it is possible he will be threatening to kill you and may do it. He is a bully.


----------



## noname82 (Feb 3, 2009)

I don't think I have much of an option following what he did Wednesday night. I have 3 cats. My husband is nuts about plants and keeps his seedlings in a room and keeps the door closed. He must have forgotten to close the door all the way and one of the cats got in there and stepped on a few, harming but likely not killing them. 

He went BALLISTIC!!! He has one of my cats in particular that he hates...and harasses. She growls and gets puffed up when she even hears his voice....(I'm trying to find her another home...) So, back to the story. He assumed that cat was the culprit so after hitting a few walls and a door frame he tore off after the cat, stomping and screaming chasing it down stairs and had it cornered. I followed him and he got up in my face and yelled that he wanted that cat outside by the time he came downstairs. 

I followed him back up and told him no because it was 18 degrees that night and she was an indoor cat. He hit some more walls and then said "fine, I'll kill the cat" and headed downstairs. I cut him off and said I'd put her outside. So I made her box with towels and put her out....WHAT AN ASS...later he came down saying he'd hurt his arm when he was hitting walls and said that he hit walls so he wouldn't hurt me or the cat....

I moved up my divorce attorney consult to monday. I'm out of there. I'm finding homes for my cats. I'm taking my **** and my dog and going to stay with a friend as soon as I talk things out with an attorney. I want to make sure I do all this right. I don't want to be left penniless if he catches on and drains the accounts or something.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Wow, I am glad to hear you're taking action to leave. He sounds dangerous and doesn't sound like it will get better anytime soon. Good luck, and be careful!


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i agree, if he acted out like that for something so simple, god forbid what he would do if you actually f*ckd up. and we all make mistakes. i would be afraid that if you made some mistake or mis step that he would go after you like that. i mean, that was over the limit, and it was just a cat!! it cant think, it was not at fault, but he went off like that, crazy.

please be careful. after your appointment with your attorney, stop by the bank and get a separate account. you can start having your paycheck deposited into your own account and not have to worry about your husband having access to it. if his name is not on the account he cant do a dang thing. i know because i never took my savings account out of my maiden name, and never put his name on it. he tried to pull money out of it and the bank would let him. And pay the bills, ie ulitilities, rent, house payment, what ever out of his paycheck, since you are leaving and he will more then likely stay in that house. dont feel guilty either, because you have been his secretary, and accountant and everything else for years without a paycheck from him and he is getting the house, you are just maintaining it with his check until you leave.

good luck to you!!


----------



## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Go talk to a women's shelter....they deal with this as well. The lawyer can work things through the court - that takes some time.
Saving your possessions is important, but not as important as your safety.
If he got that upset about the plants, how will he reach to your decision? Get out now, and go back with the cops to get your stuff if you feel in danger.


----------



## noname82 (Feb 3, 2009)

The worst thing about him, is that he gets all nice later. Plus they announced that there will be layoffs at my job. I'm not sure where I stand. But there is no way I can just walk out on my own without a job!!??!! 

He has this obsession with getting a BMW and he wants me to be all excited about it...but how can I be when I'm going to an attorney? But I can't let on that I'm doing this. Not without preparation....He's very convincing. He makes me doubt that his outbursts are really that bad. But I just have to be strong and make decisions for myself. He seems to think the key to our relationship is by us both getting on a plan like The Secret....which I'm not sure can heal the rift between us.


----------



## noname82 (Feb 3, 2009)

Here comes Mr. Nice Guy. I reached my threshold on Monday. It was the day I visited a divorce attorney. He was bugging me about researching his new BMW...that I didn't care because I wasn't learning anything about it so I could help him haggle at the dealership...I said that I'd be OK if cars were the man's responsibility. This somehow ended in him getting angry and again bringing up how much money he makes. When we got home I took the dog for a walk. I came back and he had drawn up a mock budget. To basically show me that on my salary if we split our home expenses I'd have $90 left in the bank...and that's if I didn't buy anything extra. 

I was steamed. How petty and ridiculous!! I told him I thought our marriage was a partnership and that I worked a full time job and cared for the house and animals and worked on the business...so he graciously offered to pay me...of course I'd still have next to nothing left. What kind of idiot is he? If I lived on my own I wouldn't have a $1300 mortgage...I wouldn't have fancy cable channels. I'd make it work. He sat down and said "I just can't take this, it isn't healthy for me." So I suggested we separate...He said he'd contest...that he wasn't going to let me "take the easy way out." We had a long talk, but fundamentally he still has some crazy ideas about what a relationship should be. Mentally I put him on probation. But it was what happened the next night that really got me. He started getting all paranoid and wanting to access an old credit account I have b/c he thought I was charging things and hiding stuff from him. Then he suggested we change all our passwords to be the same (including my personal email and WORK EMAIL) in case of "emergencies." By emergency he means "so I can snoop" right?

So now he's Mr. nice guy. Hugging me constantly. Saying he was thinking about me all day. He wants to buy me a laptop (after I pointed out that I get all his hand me downs including cars and computers). I was at a birthday party last night (of course he didn't want to go) and he said he was up smelling my perfumes to remember...oh lord. I just can't buy that he's sincere. He told me that he knows I am hardworking and smart, yet he spent the last two years saying the opposite. He has realized that I'm for real and now wants to change b/c he's panicked...why does it have to come to this? I was ready to go forward with a separation...but it is so hard for me to look at his pathetic face and do it. 

I just feel trapped. Any suggestions? I still kept up my plans. I opened a secret bank account and mailed in my grad school app.


----------

