# Wondering If Its Worth It



## Juice808 (Aug 31, 2008)

I've been married for a little over a year now, but with my wife for about 5 years now. We've always had our issues here and there, but i figure everyone does. At this point in time i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle with her. When we got married everything was great, but somewhere around 6 months ago, everything turned sour. My parents got separated and my father is having a hard time letting go & his actions are ridiculous and affecting me because i feel i need to take care of my siblings and because i can't physically be there with them it frustrates me to no end. My wife says that it all has changed me & i've become more controlling & clingy sort of. I do see it, but can't seem to stop it. She says shes needs her space, but i want her closer since i feel like i'm losing another part of my family. I want her to be a lot more free, but i don't know that my mind will allow it. I've tried to let her go out with friends & stuff, but i contact her at several times while shes out. She says that she loves me but she is no longer in love with me as of 6 or so months ago. I don't feel shes being understanding to my situation, because we argue a lot but its the same things & i seem to be the only one trying & shes just reaping the benefits. I don't know if i should continue to hold on to this marriage if shes just gonna abandon me at my time of need.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are smoothering her and she is communicating this to you. You might hear her but you are not listening to her needs.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Find a religion. Find a higher power that can meet your needs. She wont be able to meet the kind of needs you have right now. Its not that she doesnt love you, you just need more then she can give you.


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## Juice808 (Aug 31, 2008)

I guess your right, i do feel that i am around her a lot more than necessary. But usually it always after i've messed up is when i realize this. About 2 months ago she expressed that she wanted to go out with friends and just chill one weekend a month & i agreed to this, however it was also agreed that we would have one weekend for just us & the other 2 weekends were for me, her & our daughter. Ever since we made that agreement, there has been no time with the whole family & minimal time with just us, but shes been with her friends often, which i didn't complain to her about, until recently and all she says is that she can't pretend to play house with me , if she just not feeling it. She's never been a traditional housewife (no cooking, cleaning, finances, or such things) but i've always tried to endure and pick up the slack, but it wears on me. She stills says that i smother her to much, when i feel that i've backed off and allowed her to indulge her freedom. But at the same time i would like to know when certain things happen, like when our money is gonna be used for frivolous things and who shes going to be out with, not to disapprove but just so that if something happens to me or our daughter, i know who else can be contacted in case she can't be. I just feel that if i give her all the space she is truly asking for, that either i'll lose interest in her or she'll leave me. I've laid out what she wants in my head and when i did, it came out to us just saying hello, how was ur day and goodnight. Nothing much else.


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## Juice808 (Aug 31, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Find a religion. Find a higher power that can meet your needs. She wont be able to meet the kind of needs you have right now. Its not that she doesnt love you, you just need more then she can give you.


I have neglected my religion as of late, i think getting back to it more may help somewhat. I think your right, shes not used to people needing her, so its a tall order for her now. Thanks.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry yet another person is having to hear the ole " I love you but I'm not in love with you spill". I recommend you read the book, "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Someone has done a fine review of this book in the forum book review section. Anyway, this book does a great job of addressing the "in love" issue. 

Do you suspect your wife is seeing anyone else? After what I've been thru, I see a few red flags.

I also second the idea of turning to religion. Between that and a great counselor, it has helped me find more inner peace than I've had in years. Good luck to you!


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## Juice808 (Aug 31, 2008)

827Aug said:


> Sorry yet another person is having to hear the ole " I love you but I'm not in love with you spill". I recommend you read the book, "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Someone has done a fine review of this book in the forum book review section. Anyway, this book does a great job of addressing the "in love" issue.
> 
> Do you suspect your wife is seeing anyone else? After what I've been thru, I see a few red flags.
> 
> I also second the idea of turning to religion. Between that and a great counselor, it has helped me find more inner peace than I've had in years. Good luck to you!



Thanks i think ill need all the luck i can get. But no i don't suspect she's seeing anyone. She's really just all about her and her friends. I think i did finally get to the real reason she stopped having those old feelings. About 4-5 months ago we were expecting triplets and it was a happy time for us, but it unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. We consoled each other for a few days but with my parents going through their divorce, our pain kind of got pushed to the back on my part but not for her and she feels that when she really needed me that i wasn't there. She knows that its not normal for me to do that to her. I've always put her over everyone, but i think in me trying to deal with my pain from the miscarriage and the divorce, i confronted the divorce because it kept hitting me, but our pain was easier to try and ignore because it wasn't showing up everyday like the divorce. I understand it hurt her, but for it to be the only time i was selfish and she decides that the love just isn't there. I just don't see how that could be fair.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Juice808 said:


> I understand it hurt her, but for it to be the only time i was selfish and she decides that the love just isn't there. I just don't see how that could be fair.


My H used to get upset because he would do all these other nice things for me and then i would get upset about one thing he did. He would keep trying to bring up all the other things he had done. That only aggravated me. I felt like he was not listening and didnt care about my feelings. 

If you do two nice things and one bad then it doesnt work that then the one bad thing gets cancelled out. When you're hurt, you're hurt. She's still with you which means she is taking into account all the other things you have done for her. But just because you have done other nice things doesnt mean she's not going to be hurt when you do something that hurts her. 

Try sitting her down and really apologizing for ignoring her during her time of need. Dont do this though if its going to make you resentful. But if you can really think about how she must have felt during that time and really empathize with how she is feeling, then sit her down and let her know it without in any way becoming defensive. She wants to talk to you about it, im sure, but she knows it will just upset you. If she does start to open up just listen and apologize. Every time she brings it up just listen and apologize.

If you have some built up resentment from some things she may have done, then wait until another time to bring up some problems you are having. You dont have to just not express your concerns, just dont do it at the same time she is.


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## Juice808 (Aug 31, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> If you have some built up resentment from some things she may have done, then wait until another time to bring up some problems you are having. You dont have to just not express your concerns, just dont do it at the same time she is.


I haven't looked at it in these ways before, but i can remember our conversations and i have been very defensive. I'm not a very good listener when it comes to anything i feel i can explain. Which is usually a lot, i can be a little conceited and smart but yet dumb. So i will try just listening to her and then when the time is right i'll express myself, while trying not to blame her for things. Thank You. :smthumbup:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Were things OK before the miscarriage?

As for giving her space, you need to really give her space when you give her space. Do not phone her unless the house is on fire! Or something like that. You don't need her to manage everyday problems.

My wife and I have an unwritten agreement not to phone each other when we are out socialising. We have both broken it from time to time, but it does work.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife and I suffered three miscarriages and it is a difficult thing to get past. For her a lot of guilt. Could she have caused it? Did she take as good a care of herself as possible? Lots of questions but none of it was her fault. She took excellent care of herself. But miscarriages must be suffered as a couple. If you didn’t properly support her she may have felt abandoned with no one to reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong. Both of you had a lot going on in your lives together and it sounds as if you didn’t weather it as a couple. I am pleased to see you recognize your faults. Improving your listening skills could be a great asset in recovering your marriage. She needs to recognize hers also. If she is not contributing to the daily chores in running a household she is being selfish. I am also concerned in your statement that she is spending little time with you and your daughter as a family. Did that also change in the last few months?


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