# Need Advice



## devante33

I have been married for four years now .Have 2 beautiful kids with my wife.I got a 9-5 job recently and it has helped a lot at home .I'm the sole bread winner.For some reason,My wife doesn't seem to understand it.She wants me to take afternoons off ,while she goes and handles other biz that doesn't translate into anything developmental for the relationship ,kids or the home.When I tell her that I have to go back to work ,she sulks at it (if i can't meet her request) She loves good things (we all do) But right now I have a heavy baggage of taking care of home and her..I paid her tuition through University and now I pray she passes so that She can get something to do ..I have a side business that i Do as well to supplement weekend supplies.

I meet my clients Friday evenings.She doesn't like it either ,yet I can't go back empty handed.She goes on to tell her Mum about it ..how i come back late and the like...im home on time everyday of the week .I never get a 'welcome back' how was your day'..I instead initiate it..She can go on like how i have never done anything for her ,how I have another woman ,even told a friend of mine I had a child elsewhere yet none of the mentioned is true..I try talking to her,re assuring her.. (im really a calm guy) but she talks back ,has hit me twice..but i'm still hanging on ...recently I took our son to hospital and she kept requesting for us to get back so that she could go to dance school ...she fell sick afterwards and a Bacterial infection was found ,she went on to lie to me that she had malaria as well,yet i knew she had the former..it really hurt me that she had stooped that low,went on to call the mother crying how she was throwing up and had diarrhea while i was meeting my clients, getting paid and heading home afterwards.her younger sister was home and told me in confidence all that was a hoax ....

I really don't know what to do ..i suggested counseling ,she just told me that couldn't work .she doesn't want me to have friends and a social life ...

I need advice ...coz im not giving up!


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## Husbandologist

Hey Devante33,

It's pretty amazing how as I read your post, I was able to relate to your situation. There was a time in my marriage where the whole work/life balance thing was off for my wife and I. 

However, you seem much more aware of it than I was at the time. 

It sounds like you're out there getting done what needs to be done and that maybe your wife is seeking a sense of fulfillment in her own individual life that is lacking. 

Or maybe she's just selfish and insecure. 

You being a "calm guy" doesn't mean you need to be getting physically abused - verbally or physically. That's just ridiculous. 

How long do you expect yourself to put up with this?


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## commonsenseisn't

Sounds like she's selfish and immature.

Sit her down, make a budget, and hold yourselves to it. Translate your lives into stark black and white realities that she can't readily dismiss. 

Make a plan how to deal with her dishonesty. She needs consequences. 

Easier said than done, but the alternative is grim. Good luck.


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## PBear

How old are the kids? Was she ever self-sufficient?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devante33

Well ,i don't think i can take it for so long ,that's why I had to share it before my "freaks come out at night".

Commonsenseisn't has let out a brilliant idea.I need to revisit and make a budget before things get out of hand.

My boys are 4 years and the other is making 5 months tomorrow.

She was never self sufficient but she is from a middle class family ,quite spoilt I should say.But this is your new home ,not your father's .I don't think he was born in the bling ,even if he was he has made it on his own ..start yours as well with your partner .

I guess there is a bit of paranoia and insecurity.I have a business associate i meet up with every Friday because of work schedule and She came out and called me gay!


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## commonsenseisn't

A great way to keep a spendthrift from doing so much damage is to keep her structured and busy.

This way it distracts them and takes away the time (opportunity) to indulge in rampant consumerism. 

Does she feel a sense of ownership in the household, or does she actually have a sugar daddy (you) who is an enabler?

Maybe this line of thinking can help. Good luck.


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## mablenc

Has she always been like this? She sounds mentally unstable, if this si new behavior you may want to get her checked for postpartum depression. If she is normally like this, mental evalutaion wouldn't hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

Hello, Devante

You sound as it you would rather avoid confrontation with her. Is that true? If so, why? Do you do it not to cause more conflict and drama? Do you do it just hoping for some peace in your life? Do you just intend to run in place until she decides mature enough to support you in your endeavors? None of those things will happen without you having a set of personal boundaries and letting her know calmly, but clearly, what you will tolerate in your life.

You've been here some time, haven't you read Deejo's sticky thread in the men's section yet? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html or No More Mr Nice Guy, Dr Robert Glover

Best


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## devante33

Anchorwatch;I have laid down very clearly what I want ,but she is too adamant and believes her way is the best way ...Like I shouldn't have friends? or socialize ? its supposed to be work then home (for her) I for one,ain't doing it ..I've told her clearly ,time and time and again ....looks like i need to keep stressing it daily.


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## anchorwatch

There is nothing wrong with time at home, Devante. 

Our spouses and children deserve our time before friends. Quality time is a building block of relationships. Though, there is something wrong when they believe that you have one purpose, to exist for only them. That doesn't make for a whole independent man and it sets up conditions for codependency. You should give them their quality time and fulfill their needs. You also need to give yourself quality time. If you didn't take care of yourself, they would only have a partial man, a resentful man. 

Telling her over and over is not working. She heard you, she doesn't believe you. It's time to change the way the message is delivered. Read the links I posted earlier? 

Best


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## commonsenseisn't

devante33 said:


> .I've told her clearly ,time and time and again ....looks like i need to keep stressing it daily.


Consider that "doing" is often better than "telling". 

Consistent actions will stress the message better than words.


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## Sports Fan

Make no mistake about it you are in an emotionally abusive marriage.

You are the abused. Unless you take steps to rectify this behavour stand up for yourself and not tolerate nothing will improve.

If anything things will get worse.


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## Anonymous07

Is she looking for your attention because she doesn't get that need met? She's being unrealistic about it, but I wonder if that is part of the problem. How much time do you spend as a couple?


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