# Dont know what to do



## Caris (Jul 9, 2012)

I am an active duty Soldier currently deployed to Afghanistan. My wife is at my home station with our 4 sons. My issue is that for the last 2 or so months she has been going out quite often. It started with her going over her friends house ( another army wife) then one night about 2 months ago, they went to a local bar. At the bar she met a few other girls. Ever since that night she has been going out 3 to 4 nights a week going to different bars/clubs and even staying out over night some or all of those nights. When I ask her about it she says that she is just having a good time with her friends. But then her phone is "always" dead or dying so most of the time she is unreachable while she is out. Recently I went into her facebook she had a couple messages from guys asking if she was going out that night. When I asked her who they where she said the DJ at the club she goes to. When I see pictures she is wearing clothes (short skirts, short dresses, high heels) that she has not worn in our 15 years together. She insists that she is not being unfaithful, but I don't know what else to think. When I talk to my wife about her going out she always gets defensive and starts raising her voice. Which then gets me angry and of course e fight. I guess I am just in need of an outside point of view. I don't want to think she is cheating, but I really don't know what else to think.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

It does look indeed she is being unfaithful, or at least on the way to become one. 

You need to find some good friend who lives in the same area with her you can ask to spy on her.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

So sorry to hear this. It sure doesn't sound like it's heading in a good direction. She may be faithful to you so far but she's treading on dangerous grounds. Is there any way you can get temp leave and go home and work this out with her or something?

I wish I had a better answer for you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm uncertain at the age spread of the children, but you have to think about things from your wife's perspective:

She is on an army base, I'm uncertain whether or not state-side or in a foreign country. I'm assuming this means living in army-base housing. 

She has four children, I'm uncertain of their ages, but I'm going to guess she's a SAHM, or does she also work?

You've been together for fifteen years, you said, how old is your oldest? What in that period of time did your wife do for fun? What did you do together before you deployed? Does she have hobbies? 

Perhaps, she just wants to feel young, perhaps she just wants to feel something besides shopping, and chores, and children. And - in fairness, you indeed aren't there for her to do those things with, so - is she not allowed to have friends or go out either? And, when you "confront" her about going out, I'm going to guess that's exactly what she "hears."

Wanting to go out, and have friends, and wear something besides "mom clothes" doesn't automatically mean cheating, it probably means she's bored. 

However, all of that being said, there are some questions here - who is watching the children when she stays over night in various places?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Married + Drinking + Loneliness = Recipe for Cheating

Even if she fully intends to be faithful, going out drinking every night is not a good way to ensure that happens. And we all know women who drink a little to much so they can feel less guilt about the wrong thing they did the night before.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> She has four children, I'm uncertain of their ages, but I'm going to guess she's a SAHM, or does she also work?
> 
> Perhaps, she just wants to feel young, perhaps she just wants to feel something besides shopping, and chores, and children. And - in fairness, you indeed aren't there for her to do those things with, so - is she not allowed to have friends or go out either? And, when you "confront" her about going out, I'm going to guess that's exactly what she "hears."
> 
> ...


So Star, are you OK with all of the above or do you see problems with it?

I think the issue isn't that she goes out. I think the issue is the frequency, the contact with other men via FB (and God knows what else at the bars) 

Caris, first of all, thank you for your service. 

Secondly, I agree that it would be best to have a friend see if he can follow her to the bar(s) and see what is going on. I would guess that in your absence your wife is seeking attention (perhaps from other men)

Most disturbing is the inability to reach her by phone when she's out and the way she's dressing when out as well as the male contact on facebook. 

I'm sorry you find yourself here and I truly hope this works out for you


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree that it is a bit excessive, I also have the big question - who is watching the children both during the time she is gone, and if she stays out places, as that info wasn't provided. 

I might even ask - what do the kids think about this? 

I was just attempting to provide insight into why it might be going on, or at least - what the original inspiration was. I doubt it was - I'm going to irk my husband and look to cheat. 

But - if she's doing this with another army wife, her friend, what does the friends wife feel about it? Is he concerned? Does the friend seem trustworthy? Or - at this point is she going out by herself?


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