# Wife away every night with friends



## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

I loaned a large sum of money for my wife to pursue a business venture. The business venture is not going as well as hoped and is causing tension. 

She is working long hours (including weekends) then after the shift finishes she will go out with friends then come home late (I am normally asleep). I hardly see her unless I go to her place of work which is not ideal. 

I have confronted her and she says she is avoiding me as we always argue. She is not happy for me to chase her and says I treat her like i'm her father a lot of the time. She's also said the spark has gone out of our relationship. I've agreed to change by doing the following....

I've agreed a process for me to raise concerns which includes agreeing a time/date to speak about things so I will not be arguing with her when she comes home or at inappropriate times. 

I've started helping out in the business so I can spend time with her and show her how fun I am to start to win her back. I've arranged for regular days out with her to try and spend time together having fun. 

She is still out with friends every night despite saying she will come home.

Is there anything else I can do to make her want to come home....

What more can I do?? Help please


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Any reason you aren't invited every night?

Tell her either you start coming too or she doesn't go, and if she STILL goes she might as well stay away permanently.


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

I don't normally know she's going like tonight I thought she was going to pick some items up for the business she says its quicker without me and the next thing I know its 9pm and she is still not home and gone to friends house.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you sure she's not seeing someone?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Are you sure she's not seeing someone?


Get a voice activated recorder and put it in her car.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> I loaned a large sum of money for my wife to pursue a business venture. The business venture is not going as well as hoped and is causing tension.
> 
> She is working long hours (including weekends) then after the shift finishes she will go out with friends then come home late (I am normally asleep). I hardly see her unless I go to her place of work which is not ideal.
> 
> ...


She took your money. Does not want anything to do with you.

Time for a lawyer I guess. I mean what are you getting out of this marriage?


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

I'm pretty sure she's not seeing anyone and have even confronted her about this. she says she's not anyway.


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

I wouldn't say doesn't want anything to do with me she just wants some space I think. She is coming out with me on Tuesday and we just got back from holiday together which I think went well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> I don't normally know she's going like tonight I thought she was going to pick some items up for the business she says its quicker without me and the next thing I know its 9pm and she is still not home and gone to friends house.


Good grief. You have GOT to get back control here. She does NOT get to DO this. NEVER. ESPECIALLY not every night. Grow a backbone dude.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> I'm pretty sure she's not seeing anyone and have even confronted her about this. she says she's not anyway.


She says, does she? And you believe her because.....................??????????????????


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> I wouldn't say doesn't want anything to do with me she just wants some space I think. She is coming out with me on Tuesday and we just got back from holiday together which I think went well.


It really makes no sense at all that she goes out without you period.

What is the business venture? What does she do?

How bug was the loan?

Right space. Gotcha. Not good.

Typically there are daddy issues when you get accused of acting like her father. You should be acting like her husband. She sould be treating you like her husband. Who the heck goes out every night without their spouse? What are they doing when they go out? Who are the friends?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

do you have clear terms in writing for her to pay back the loan? especially if you guys split......just in case


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> I wouldn't say doesn't want anything to do with me she just wants some space I think. She is coming out with me on Tuesday and we just got back from holiday together which I think went well.


Convenient. How much space did she want before you loaned her the money?

Believe what you want. A woman in love and happy in a relationship is NOT OUT every night with friends in the streets. It doesn't happen.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

graham1234 said:


> I have confronted her and she says she is avoiding me as we always argue. She is not happy for me to chase her and says I treat her like i'm her father a lot of the time. She's also said the spark has gone out of our relationship.


LOL oh have you got a lot to learn. 

Don't chase me is code for I'm enjoying life without you. You treat me like a father means I don't answer to you and I'll do as I damn well please. The spark is gone loosely translated means its YOUR fault she wants to be single. It also many times means she's got her eye on someone else.

If you want to get her back your best bet is to pull a hard 180 on her. Go out yourself. Stop helping with the business. Get a hobby. STOP chasing her! It only makes you look needy and weak.

If she wants to be single LET HER GO. And if this continues file for divorce so she can truly be free to live life as she sees fit because right now you sir do NOT have a marriage. She happily took your money and now it's 'see ya'.

Get a VAR to rule out cheating. Within 2 weeks you will know EXACTLY what you are dealing with.

I'm sorry you are here.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you mentioned all the things that YOU can do to improve your marriage, but I didn't read anything in there that indicates your W is prepared to even meet you halfway... One simple thing that she could start doing is coming straight home from work, rather than partying with her friends. She's a married woman and needs to start acting like one.

The spark's gone out of your marriage? No wonder - your W is never home!


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

When I say she is going out I mean she is going round friends houses and socialising not drinking. 

She says she is under extreme pressure with this new business which is a massive stress on her. 

She says her priority is this business at the minute and she has even said she would completely understand if I want to split up with her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> When I say she is going out I mean she is going round friends houses and socialising not drinking.
> 
> She says she is under extreme pressure with this new business which is a massive stress on her.
> 
> She says her priority is this business at the minute and she has even said she would completely understand if I want to split up with her.


So do so. You don't need her crap!!

Sounds to me like you're just looking for someone to tell you that it's OK to be a doormat. Sorry, I won't do so, and neither will the rest of TAM.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You loaned her money, so your finances are separate? Business arrangements are not good for marital intimacy; for all intents and purposes you are now a debt collector. How do you think that's going to work for your marriage? Do you hound her when she's home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Good grief. You have GOT to get back control here. She does NOT get to DO this. NEVER. ESPECIALLY not every night. Grow a backbone dude.


As in "control your woman"? Yeah, that's going to work well. Sorry, maybe it's just semantics but that really rubs me the wrong way. I agree that what's going on is not good for the marriage but the answer is boundaries, not control. He isn't her father, though at this point he is her debt collector which is also bad for the marriage. This is why you don't do business with family members, and especially not your spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

graham1234 said:


> She says her priority is this business at the minute and she has even said she would completely understand if I want to split up with her.


Well at least she's honest I'll give her that.

You aren't a priority and she isn't changing a thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> As in "control your woman"? Yeah, that's going to work well. Sorry, maybe it's just semantics but that really rubs me the wrong way. I agree that what's going on is not good for the marriage but the answer is boundaries, not control. He isn't her father, though at this point he is her debt collector which is also bad for the marriage. This is why you don't do business with family members, and especially not your spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NO, NOT as in 'control your woman'. Get control of the SITUATION. By doing what HE needs to do. Tell her what happens if her behaviour continues and then DO it. Follow through. Quit just taking whatever she says and going "Oh, OK dear, whatever you say"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

graham1234 said:


> Is there anything else I can do to make her want to come home....
> 
> What more can I do?? Help please


Ya, tell her *not* to come home if she can't come straight home from work to be with you, instead of her friends.

If she wants to be with her friends so much then ask her were you can drop off here belongings.

My point here is folks want what they can't have and maybe, just maybe if she see's that she is losing you she just might change her behavior and start working on keeping you.

Bad behavior will continue with out consequences...so PLEASE STOP REWARDING YOUR WIFE FOR HER BAD BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your words don't mean a thing, but your action to disengage her, emotionally distance your self, and Packing her thing just might make her second guess her choices. 

Until she *sees* that you are moving on with out her she will never think twice about how she behaves towards you.

Or....

You can beg and plead for your marriage again...but that hasn't helped has it?


You but up with her crap and that in its self just takes more respect that she has for you away from you.

I bet if you were doing this crap your old lady would have your crap out on the street. I sense your chick has why more respect for her self to let some guy do this to her? So why should she respect you when you sit there and tolorate her mistreatment towards you?

Respect is commanded, and bad behavior needs consequences...so again STOP REWARDING YOUR WIFE FOR ABUSING YOU!!!!!!!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> NO, NOT as in 'control your woman'. Get control of the SITUATION. By doing what HE needs to do. Tell her what happens if her behaviour continues and then DO it. Follow through. Quit just taking whatever she says and going "Oh, OK dear, whatever you say"




Fair enough, but I would still like to know if he does in fact hound her about the money. He's now in a business arrangement with his wife; how's that going to work for marital intimacy? She now has to answer to him as a creditor, but somehow they can still have a good husband/wife relationship? In the trashing of her this conversation hasn't happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't control others but you can control what you tolorate and what one expect out of a relationship.

Stop being affraid to lose her...thats why she can pull this crap off....cuz you ain't going anywere are you?

Letting go of your wife just might save your marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck the money, OP is in a misserable marriage and is being treated like a doormat.

breaking free and finding happiness is priceless.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess he needs to decide how many times of taking it up the you-know-what have written the debt off.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So nobody wants to address the business arrangement that's going on here? He loans her money, and we all know that it's incredibly stressful and time consuming to build a business, and it often takes a while to get going. I'm betting there's no real loan contract; when you borrow from the bank the terms of repayment are spelled out, and if your default the bank will harass/sue/whatever they can, but they're the bank and you don't have to live with them. So now OP's wife is working to build a business, successfully or not, and she gets to come home to her creditor hounding her. Then when he's done, she's supposed to be his loving wife. Somebody explain to me how this is going to work? Shocking that she doesn't want to come home to that! Tell her not to come back, that will fix everything. Man up and tell her to f$ck off, that will fix things. I'm often right there with everyone else telling these doormats to throw the pos out, but this situation is unique. OP, what do you want right now in terms of the money? Do you want her to give up the business? Are you willing top write off the money and see where this goes? I just don't see a way for you to be her creditor and have an intimate marital relationship. I don't think OP or his wife is really wrong here, this is a bad situation and is exactly why you don't loan money to or do business with family members.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So nobody wants to address the business arrangement that's going on here? He loans her money, and we all know that it's incredibly stressful and time consuming to build a business, and it often takes a while to get going. I'm betting there's no real loan contract; when you borrow from the bank the terms of repayment are spelled out, and if your default the bank will harass/sue/whatever they can, but they're the bank and you don't have to live with them. So now OP's wife is working to build a business, successfully or not, and she gets to come home to her creditor hounding her. Then when he's done, she's supposed to be his loving wife. Somebody explain to me how this is going to work? Shocking that she doesn't want to come home to that! Tell her not to come back, that will fix everything. Man up and tell her to f$ck off, that will fix things. I'm often right there with everyone else telling these doormats to throw the pos out, but this situation is unique. OP, what do you want right now in terms of the money? Do you want her to give up the business? Are you willing top write off the money and see where this goes? I just don't see a way for you to be her creditor and have an intimate marital relationship. I don't think OP or his wife is really wrong here, this is a bad situation and is exactly why you don't loan money to or do business with family members.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You must have missed the part where he said he's taken steps to remedy the hounding, but she hasn't held up her end of the bargain.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Affair red flags are everywhere, my friend.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Healer said:


> Affair red flags are everywhere, my friend.


Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

graham1234 said:


> I'm pretty sure she's not seeing anyone and have even confronted her about this. she says she's not anyway.


Yeah because someone who is cheating would admit to it when you soft confront. 

It won't kill you to put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car. 

'Married Man Sex Life Primer' & 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. Read them, like yesterday. Seriously OP you need them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You must have missed the part where he said he's taken steps to remedy the hounding, but she hasn't held up her end of the bargain.



Ok, I see where he made some effort but I still think there's bad blood here. She knows he's upset and disappointed, so it's like when you don't want to go home and face your father because you know he's disappointed in you, even if he isn't hounding you. That's the cycle they're in; third party help is probably in order here. This dynamic isn't good for a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

OP, there are signs of an affair happening or in the works. If you've backed off of following/hounding her for the sake of the money or relationship, then good. However, there's a lot that isn't being addressed in a substantive way, according to what you've written. She's taking complete advantage of you, does not respect you and you seem to be ok with that. 

If she doesn't want to come home at night, then pack her clothes, set them on the porch and tell her to go stay at her 'friend's' place. In the meantime, it may be time to seek out a lawyer and start gathering as much information as you can about her whereabouts, including checking her emails, phone and phone bill for calls, and a VAR. 

It sounds like she's checked out of the marriage already and now it's time to get to working on your own future...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, I see where he made some effort but I still think there's bad blood here. S*he knows he's upset and disappointed, so it's like when you don't want to go home and face your father because you know he's disappointed in you, even if he isn't hounding you. That's the cycle they're in; third party help is probably in order here. This dynamic isn't good for a marriage.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the feeling I'm getting too, that whatever is going on now, first got set in motion because of the money loaning situation to start the new business.
Money & marriage is volatile! 
I wonder if the wife is skeptical of the husband due to her past experiences with him regarding money, he says he's cut back on the hounding, but how much exactly is that?
Once a day? A week? A month? 
If there is a chance to save the marriage, seeing a therapist could help them sort out the money within their relationship issue.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Healer said:


> Affair red flags are everywhere, my friend.



Nah. She's just another walk-away. Happens all the time. And since nobody ever wants to talk about walk-away-wives...

...NEXT!


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

I am her debt collector which is one aspect however the business is not making any money so I go to the business and try and change things as I am worried I will not get my money back and we end up having an argument. 

She says she spends time away from me to not have these confrontations. 

it also looks like she will need more investment for the business to move forward which I will not be giving as we stand today.

previously she was unable to get a job and so I leant this money for the business as she was desperate to have her own income and her own life as she lives in my house and owns nothing. The business is her priority and she is saying the relationship needs to go on hold until the business has made it. I am in my early thirties and we have been married just over five years and have no children.

I am not going to get walked over any longer however I do believe there are two sides to this and am trying to understand others POVs and think this through properly before I decide what the ultimatum should be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're married, but she lives in your house and has nothing? Is this a marriage or a business arrangement? You can't run a marriage like a business; if this is what you have just file for divorce now because it's not going to work. You're not partners. I get why you're concerned about not getting your money back, but you may as well be her boss, not her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Unless I'm really dense, if I read correctly all OP wants is his wife to come home sometime so they can actually be a couple and spend some time together.

Didn't see him bashing about her business and the $$. All I read was, I need help to get my wife to come home and not spend it with friends every night until I'm alseep. Then telling me to leave if I'm not happy and she won't stop me. Yeah he's got problems alright and it's his wife.

Can't defend the wife here, if the roles were reversed I could see people calling OP a loser because he's man doing that to some poor woman and her money.

Business is business, if I give you (family/friend/stranger) money to start a business you better damn well be ready to give me answers

Where is the money being spent on?
Who is it being spent on?
Business plan?
1 year goals, 2 year goals, 5 year goals?

If you tell me to pound sand, then we have a problem. For her to tell him that she's fine with him leaving if he's not happy, seriously, he's got problems with hounding her.....Let your spouse go out 7 days a week and come home after you're asleep and see how happy you are.

But there is always 2 side to every story and we're only hearing from his side. Maybe he is douche bag that hounds her 24/7 about the money. But just from what he's written, it seems like he's trying everything to get his wife back and couldn't care less about the money at this point.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Fair enough, but I would still like to know if he does in fact hound her about the money. He's now in a business arrangement with his wife; *how's that going to work for marital intimacy? * She now has to answer to him as a creditor, but somehow they can still have a good husband/wife relationship? In the trashing of her this conversation hasn't happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, dayum I would LOVE to owe my H something and he came collecting in the bedroom!

Okay, get on back to the topic at hand ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Oh, dayum I would LOVE to owe my H something and he came collecting in the bedroom!
> 
> Okay, get on back to the topic at hand ...


Touche.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CH said:


> Unless I'm really dense, if I read correctly all OP wants is his wife to come home sometime so they can actually be a couple and spend some time together.
> 
> Didn't see him bashing about her business and the $$. All I read was, I need help to get my wife to come home and not spend it with friends every night until I'm alseep. Then telling me to leave if I'm not happy and she won't stop me. Yeah he's got problems alright and it's his wife.
> 
> ...



He said himself he does care about the money and he's worried he won't get it back. Can't totally blame him for that, but this is why it's a bad idea to do business with family and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Your wife is walking all over you and it sounds like you pretty much just take it while trying to cater to whatever expectations or excuse she pulls out of her ass just to get away from you. 

You seriously need to change your approach to this situation because it sounds like you're willing to meet your wife halfway and she's not even trying.




Refuse to be played said:


> Yeah because someone who is cheating would admit to it when you soft confront.
> 
> It won't kill you to put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car.
> 
> 'Married Man Sex Life Primer' & 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. Read them, like yesterday. Seriously OP you need them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Especially the VAR. If she's going out EVERY night and you have no idea where she is I would strongly suspect cheating. Just because she tells you she isn't doesn't mean she isn't. Honestly, how many cheating partners do you think actually outright admit to cheating when confronted with no evidence whatsoever??


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Also you need some type of GPS tracker on the car to use in conjuncture with the VAR. Check her cell phone records too.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

As long as you fronted her the money, YOU HAVE A SAY SO! If she wants to act like a $h!t then call your loan in! Not mention that man you better get yourself a new set of gonads because it seems like she got them along with the loan. My God man, why are you letting her treat you this way! You loaned her the money out of the goodness of your heart not to mention you bank account and you let her treat you this way? 

Time for you to set the rules and let her know that if you can't live by them then get a loan, pay the loan off and she can run with the wind until she falls over but make it clear that IT WON'T BE AT YOUR EXPENSE!


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, what do you want right now in terms of the money? Do you want her to give up the business? Are you willing top write off the money and see where this goes? I just don't see a way for you to be her creditor and have an intimate marital relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im not that bothered about whether she has the business or not I am more concerned about having the relationship back. I can even stomach losing the money if it means I get the relationship back to how it used to be. 

My other concern is if she doesn't get more investment he business will fold.


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you're married, but she lives in your house and has nothing? Is this a marriage or a business arrangement? You can't run a marriage like a business; if this is what you have just file for divorce now because it's not going to work. You're not partners. I get why you're concerned about not getting your money back, but you may as well be her boss, not her husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I said she has nothing I meant she has things in the house but I have bought and given them to her.


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

Just to add further fuel to the fire here her Dad is a wealthy business man who refused to help in this business venture when she first approached him but he is coming to see her after she has contacted him about it so I am hoping he might get us out of this situation. 

The worst thing about this is I feel like I have done a nice thing and she doesn't appreciate it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

graham1234 said:


> Im not that bothered about whether she has the business or not I am more concerned about having the relationship back. I can even stomach losing the money if it means I get the relationship back to how it used to be.
> 
> My other concern is if she doesn't get more investment he business will fold.



I understand. Its certainly not your responsibility to keep pumping money into a failing business, and I would certainly tell her that you don't feel comfortable putting more money into it. Just because you're her hb doesn't mean you're obligated to fund anything she wants. perhaps you can tell her that you won't bring up the money again and if she gets into a position to repay you that would be great. Also, have you asked her what she wants from you? Business startup is stressful under the best of circumstances. If it folds then it folds, a lot of startups fail; if she wants to be a business woman she'll have to learn that. What kind of business is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Failure of this business may be the thing that saves your marriage. Her ideology that the marriage can be 'put on hold' while the business gets going is crazy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I really believe you need to investigate the possibility of infidelity.

This truly is the issue at hand and until this can be confronted and a direction established be made, the marriage continues to break down.

If a 3rd party is infecting the marriage all the money in the world won't save this marriage.

Until the affair is brought to light and addressed one way or another, her boy friend will continue to infect the marriage.

Please understand you are trying to fix something were you have no real idea on what the problem is.

So again please investigate the possibility of infidelity then you can focus your fight for the marriage.

In short your in a battle and you don't have a front line to which to fight. Your wife is in a fog and you don't know why.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Think about it, your wife tells you that the arguments are what keeps her away, she works hard on the business yet it fails...and you direct your efforts in making adjustment to fix this.

But the real problem has yet to be found out so all your efforts and adjustment don't work.

Get it?

See why you need to investigate your wife behavior so you can make effective adjustment to save the marriage?

Maybe there is infidelity, maybe she is drinking more or taking drugs....you must dig and find the truth so you can have an effective confrontation in addressing the real problem.

Again quitely look into your wife behavior by tracking her, recording her and if you have the money hire a PI.....


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand. Its certainly not your responsibility to keep pumping money into a failing business, and I would certainly tell her that you don't feel comfortable putting more money into it. Just because you're her hb doesn't mean you're obligated to fund anything she wants. perhaps you can tell her that you won't bring up the money again and if she gets into a position to repay you that would be great. Also, have you asked her what she wants from you? Business startup is stressful under the best of circumstances. If it folds then it folds, a lot of startups fail; if she wants to be a business woman she'll have to learn that. What kind of business is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a restaurant business and she is really struggling with it to the point she is seeing a doctor and is taking sleeping tablets and anti depressants etc.

I have asked her today what she wants form the relationship and I don't think she knows.


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## graham1234 (Sep 16, 2013)

She got home last night at 12:30 and she had put her wedding ring back on (for the first time in a month) and she told me that she loved me and felt things were getting back on track. 

Today I then told her it is unacceptable for her to be out with her friends every night the wedding ring came off. 

She has agreed to stay home for 3 nights to give it a try and if we don't argue and she enjoys it we can extend it. 

Things then escalated and I have told her I won't be putting anymore money into the business. She has said if it folds she will leave me. I think it will fold now I have removed this support. 

The worst thing is she doesn't appreciate what I have put in but seems to resent it when I don't put more in. 

She has agreed to see a therapist with me if I so wish not sure if I am going to take this route. 

Otherwise she has agreed to a divorce. 

I am trying to think of some conditions I could put on her before I consider divorce to prove her intentions for the relationship. I was thinking her wedding ring should go back on she needs to come home 6 nights out of seven, introduce me to her friends although I am concerned this is too controlling.

In addition she still stands by the fact that the love needs to develop for her to feel relaxed around me to come home and the relationship to flourish.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> In addition she still stands by the fact that the love needs to develop for her to feel relaxed around me to come home and the relationship to flourish


.

She's so full of sh!t I can see it from here.

She doesn't want to come home? Great. She can pack some bags and stay wherever she is till all hours of the night.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

graham1234 said:


> She got home last night at 12:30 and she had put her wedding ring back on (for the first time in a month) and she told me that she loved me and felt things were getting back on track.
> 
> Today I then told her it is unacceptable for her to be out with her friends every night the wedding ring came off.
> 
> ...



:scratchhead:
Love to develop?
That's an odd thing to say to your spouse. 
Was this an arranged marriage, she was not in love with you when she married you & is trying to fall in love with you?
Color me confused about this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

graham1234 said:


> She got home last night at 12:30 and she had put her wedding ring back on (for the first time in a month) and she told me that she loved me and felt things were getting back on track.
> 
> Today I then told her it is unacceptable for her to be out with her friends every night the wedding ring came off.
> 
> ...


You don't know who her friends are? You go and meet her before she closes and go with her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> She has agreed to stay home for 3 nights to give it a try and if we don't argue and if *I allow it*we can extend it.
> 
> I was thinking her wedding ring should go back on she needs to come home *every night for the foreseeable future*, introduce me to her friends although I am concerned this is too controlling.


Fixed a couple things for you there.



graham1234 said:


> In addition she still stands by the fact that the love needs to develop for her to feel relaxed around me to come home and the relationship to flourish.


 "The love needs to develop" WTF??? Is she writing a poem or trying to save her marriage?? 

I don't really see much here worth saving. Sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> .
> 
> She's so full of sh!t I can see it from here.
> 
> She doesn't want to come home? Great. She can pack some bags and stay wherever she is till all hours of the night.


:iagree::iagree::bsflag: I would do this if it doesn't stop. Put a var in her car asap!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

graham1234 said:


> She got home last night at 12:30 and she had put her wedding ring back on (for the first time in a month) and she told me that she loved me and felt things were getting back on track.
> 
> Today I then told her it is unacceptable for her to be out with her friends every night the wedding ring came off.
> 
> ...



Ohh, not good. I was sympathetic to her plight until now; she's leaving you if the business fails? Extortion and emotional blackmail. It's time for you to be proactive here; call her bluff and file for divorce now. You can cancel it later, but do not allow her to use your desire to repair the marriage to manipulate you. Right now she has power and you have none; level this playing field right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I actually read the whole thread yesterday, but I forgot some details? Do you understand that she doesn't love you any more? It's a lot more common than you think. Women fall out of love in droves. They rarely come back. Read up on the 180. It's for YOU, not your marriage. Ignore the part about her seeing a new you and coming along. It doesn't work that way.

She's gone, and nothings gonna' bring her back. She's gone.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Interesting that the infidelity posts were ignored after the first.

Shrug.

Even money either way.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

INvestor to a new business venture have checks and balance - things they expect in return for said "loan"

like accountability, progress, repayment etc.

Husbands and Wives ALSO have expectations of EACHOTHER

Unless you want to PAY for her exit from your marriage I suggest you get accountability and NOW

Any children? If so, no excuse period for her being out every single night with people other than you

Doesn't that tell you you arent a priority - I personally would get GPS tracking so you know WHERE she is and covertly see for yourself from a distance who and how she is interacting with these "friends"

Seems like for you - you can't see the forest for the trees and need to actually seee for yourself

Good luck


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay I have read everything and there are two serious issues I have. One why have you not attempted to figure out if she is dating someone. She stays out late, you aren't even trying to figure out what's going on. Businesses are stressful but I know restaurants need staff. Please don't just chalk this all up to business issues. I mean when does the business close? Who helps clean the place? Who waits tables? I mean if the business closes at 8 Pm and it isn't a full on restaurant. Then it won't take but two hours if the staff is there cleaning and getting the place ready for the next day. Seriously she has large blocks of time she can't account for? Look I help out in Coping with Infidelity alot. This is a perfect storm for an affair. 
The second issue which, to me, is an indication of an affair
She is already manipulating you into falling in line by threatening divorce. She is manipulating you so she can have what she wants. She wants a restaurant she got one. She just needed someone with big enough pockets to foot the bill. Then she married you to make sure there is a fall back plan. She also probably doesn't want you around the business so you can't keep track of her all the time. Please don't make the mistake of dismissing all of these red flags. I would suggest you look at her phone records to see who she is calling and texting. I suggest that the next time she says she is somewhere. Then takes a ridiculous amount of time getting home. You drive to where she is supposed to be and make sure she is there. Stop letting this woman run you over because I am willing to bet you are about to find out how the deep the rabbit hole really goes.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

OH

I didn't realize it was a restaurant

Um - HUGE Den of Iniquity! 

ESPECIALLY if beer/wine/alcohol sold there.

My first husband was a Restaurant Manager.........besides the drug and alcohol abuse and addiction...total drama....singles FWB with each other.... and the philandering by those married. 
Schmooozing single (or married) men customers coming in to find a younger thang to boost their ego...droppin cash to get laid (I don't mean prostitution, (although there is that too) I mean they frequent restaurants/diners/clubs to find damsels in distress etc etc) 

Anyway - I think you need to look up the work cuckhold

WHat really sucks is that you found a gold digger and she did some sort of mind/sex fvuck to ensnare you. Now she's got what she wants and is further manipulating you.

Sad, there are a LOT of women out there who aren't like your "wife" at all....they are nice and loyal and caring - a true mate.............you married the other kind.

I hope you have controlling interest in the business or your name is somewhere on the paperwork. I would certainly be showing up whenever the heck you want at YOUR restaurant.

I've met women like your wife. I'm sorry for you dude.
Hopefully you wake up and smell the proverbial coffee.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

graham1234 said:


> When I say she is going out I mean she is going round friends houses and socialising not drinking.
> 
> She says she is under extreme pressure with this new business which is a massive stress on her.
> 
> She says her priority is this business at the minute and she has even said she would completely understand if I want to split up with her.


Um to people's houses? There are bedrooms with beds in houses last time I checked.

Stressed about the new "business venture" but she is going out with the employees? First of all -- dude, Management and staff don't usually fraternize....FOR A REASON. Staff won't respect the "Boss" if she is sharing her home/marriage turmoil...and will look at it as a great IN to get her on their side so they get better shifts, slack off on work because "boss" is friend etc
Also - here's a little drinky or druggie to help calm yourself "boss" lady...let your hair down have some fun. No wonder she goes out with people who have a REASON to suck up to her.

You said you just got back from Holiday - so you aren't in the United States. I doubt that the Restaurant/Bar situation is any different in Europe. 

Look at all that has happened and all that you have read from replies.
If you were reading all of this of some other dumb, sad bloke...what would your reaction be? How would you react to all of this if it were a buddy telling you all this and not yourself?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

graham1234 said:


> Just to add further fuel to the fire here her Dad is a wealthy business man who refused to help in this business venture when she first approached him but he is coming to see her after she has contacted him about it so I am hoping he might get us out of this situation.
> 
> The worst thing about this is I feel like I have done a nice thing and she doesn't appreciate it.


Perhaps he can infuse the business with money AND pay back your "loan" to your wife.
Then he is the banker and you are back to husband and wife.

But the more and more I read....you didn't set this up as a Family Business....but HER business. You coming there to "fix" things....is a kind of slap in the face to her.
I didn't realize that you hounded her about the cash.
Most businesses fail in the first year...most don't turn a profit for a couple years. 

If you don't get repaid by her Daddy, then maybe you can draft up a loan document to show how it will be repaid by profit from the business. You screwed up when you didn't do that.
So fix it. Draft a mutually acceptable agreement with repayment plan. Discuss this AT the restaurant after or before hours. DON'T DISCUSS any of the money at home period.

You do have a mess don't you. But you actually created the mess. UGH

good luck


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You deserve to know where YOUR money is being spent. You deserve to know if she is running a business. if she is just using the business to have fun then it is likely that she will owe more than just your money. If she gets sued, you are married and they will come after your assets as well. A husband can never truly "loan" his wife some money simply because you share assets. Even if she loaned money from a bank to start a sole proprietorship the banks could still come after your assets even thought your name may not be involved in the business in any way. And unless she went through the long process of making the company a LLC. If she screws up and gets someone sick b/c she doesn't know what she is doing. Guess who has to pay that guy back in the lawsuit. Your wife who may be completely upside down, or you. 

You need to explain to your wife that even though the restaurant is "hers" both of your butt's are on the chopping block if this business fails. So as far as you walking in the business and being treated like you are an outsider, that's crap. 
Her debts are your debts man. It is easy to rack up a small fortune in debt from a restaurant. If you don't believe me just go watch an episode of Ramsey's : Kitchen Nightmares. Even if it isn't a nightmare kitchen. The business could be losing thousands a month especially if your wife over staffed the place expecting people to just start pouring in. You need to know all of this stuff and If you have to pull the plug you have to pull the plug otherwise. Hell with all that is going on the the likely infidelity as well. She could let this company crash, dump as much debt as she can on you in the divorce, and run off with her AP into the sunset. I would also pay close attention to what daddy does. If he backs away from it. That is probably a really bad sign. If it is so bad he won't even help out his daughter then that should be a big red flag.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

badbane said:


> You deserve to know where YOUR money is being spent. You deserve to know if she is running a business. if she is just using the business to have fun then it is likely that she will owe more than just your money. If she gets sued, you are married and they will come after your assets as well. A husband can never truly "loan" his wife some money simply because you share assets. Even if she loaned money from a bank to start a sole proprietorship the banks could still come after your assets even thought your name may not be involved in the business in any way. And unless she went through the long process of making the company a LLC. If she screws up and gets someone sick b/c she doesn't know what she is doing. Guess who has to pay that guy back in the lawsuit. Your wife who may be completely upside down, or you.
> 
> You need to explain to your wife that even though the restaurant is "hers" both of your butt's are on the chopping block if this business fails. So as far as you walking in the business and being treated like you are an outsider, that's crap.
> Her debts are your debts man. It is easy to rack up a small fortune in debt from a restaurant. If you don't believe me just go watch an episode of Ramsey's : Kitchen Nightmares. Even if it isn't a nightmare kitchen. The business could be losing thousands a month especially if your wife over staffed the place expecting people to just start pouring in. You need to know all of this stuff and If you have to pull the plug you have to pull the plug otherwise. Hell with all that is going on the the likely infidelity as well. She could let this company crash, dump as much debt as she can on you in the divorce, and run off with her AP into the sunset. I would also pay close attention to what daddy does. If he backs away from it. That is probably a really bad sign. If it is so bad he won't even help out his daughter then that should be a big red flag.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

graham1234 said:


> I am her debt collector which is one aspect however the business is not making any money so I go to the business and try and change things as I am worried I will not get my money back and we end up having an argument.
> 
> She says she spends time away from me to not have these confrontations.
> 
> ...


I haven't read past this part, so bear with me if this was already mentioned. It looks pretty clear that you two are keeping everything separated financially - probably from the very beginning. Why is that? Call me old fashioned, but the way this comes across makes it sound that you and she is very much aware of who "owns" what in this marriage. Unless you two have a prenup, the property is both of yours. You SHOULD be sharing everything. Granted, it was probably dumb to invest this money in her business up front, but it should have been a family decision and not the way it sounds today. You two probably never bonded as a married couple since the money issue and the "his" vs. "hers" mindset killed any tangible feelings from developing past the GF/BF stage. JMHO.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

graham1234 said:


> She got home last night at 12:30 and she had put her wedding ring back on (for the first time in a month) and she told me that she loved me and felt things were getting back on track.
> 
> Today I then told her it is unacceptable for her to be out with her friends every night the wedding ring came off.
> 
> ...



Why don't you actually verify where she goes during these night outs?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Why was this HER business and not 'ours'? I've been with this type of woman before and the minute she acted like yours - I was gone in a heartbeat. She will never appreciate you and honestly, if you divorce her, she will get another man to pay her way around. I am willing to bet that sex never happens either?

Her not wearing her wedding ring and being out with girlfriends - why is she even married? It's probably because you shelter her. How does she get to go out to her friends every single night and come home whenever she pleases? To avoid arguments that she is responsible for? That's a weak excuse my man. She has put her job that YOU created for her and her friends over you. You are better off not knowing her, being single, and letting her dad deal with her problems. or better yet, all of her great friends. How come they are not giving her money? Lol.

Sorry your stuck in this. I would run now. You are still young - make kids with a woman that actually loves you.


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