# Should I name OW as Co-defendant in Divorce?



## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I posted my story on another thread called "My husband wants to rekindle with his first love" if you want some background.

But in a nut shell :
WH wants to be with old girlfriend from his past after 21+ years marraige with me and 4 kids later. Needless to say, I am devestated.

He won't stop seeing her, yet he doesnt want me to divorce him because it might not work with her and he is torn between he and his existing life/family with me. 

And you all were right...originally i thought it was just a recent EA and you all said probably PA and I found out for sure it has been a EA/PA for over a year!! I just can't believe that it has been going on so long. I just found out about any of it last month.

I said I can't live like that (with a 3rd person in the marraige and be be 2nds if he decides to choose me) and I told him I will file for D unless he stops contact with her. He wont agree to stop contact so I went to lawyer today, paid the retainer and he will file on Tuesday and have him served probably by the end of the week or so. He doesnt know I actually found and paid the lawyer already.

So, my question is this:

I have a chance to name the OW as a co-defendant in the paperwork. Has anyone does that and what do you think of this idea. Lawyer says it doesnt really give me an advantage, but just is a kind of "stick it to you" kind of statement and she will be served will force her to respond to the claim. Should I do this or not? I need tell the lawyer by monday before he officially files the claim.

I will have her named in the papers as having a restraining order so she can not be with or have any contact with the kids while an agreement is being settled which I definitely will do. 

After papers are signed then I cannot stop her from being near the kids at that point but at least for the next few months she cant be around my kids. Hopefully they won't want to be around her!! (i really hope they don't want to see the woman that did this to their family and their mother)

So, did anyone find that putting the OP in the claim as a good thing or bad thing. I am wondering if it would get them mad at each other and cause problems between them (which of course, i would like) or just push them further together. What do you think? 

Thanks to all.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I did. 

Actually, in my situation, there were two that I could identify, matching cell phone with FB connection, so I named both. The way I see it, I really don't give a flying leap about those home wreckers, so they deserved to be named. And, if my WS denies the connections (which he won't because my paperwork is stellar), my lawyer will call them in for depositions.

So yes. My advice? Name her (or them). It can't hurt you and it could be rather fun, knowing that they are forever named in court documents. They deserve the "honor".


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It sounds very 1933 to me. This still happens?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lamaga said:


> It sounds very 1933 to me. This still happens?


Yes,it does. You claim infidelity, the court wants proof. You name names. In the scheme of things, it has little to do with the final settlement, but it is part of the evidence against the WS. If one has the names, no reason to hold them back.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, sure, why not? The word "codefendant" just sounds like something out of Noel Coward


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lamaga said:


> It sounds very 1933 to me. This still happens?


I don't see the problem :scratchhead:


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I think it is a fantastic idea.!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I don't see the problem :scratchhead:


No problem at all, I think she should!

I just thought that was an antiquated practice. Clearly my error.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I have a chance to name the OW as a co-defendant in the paperwork.


Then take that chance and go with it.

She wants to be a home wrecker, smashing a home with children?

Then why not let her world know exactly what she is doing?


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Call her first. Ask her if she knows your husband is married. If she says yes, I would do it in a skinny minute.

There's no telling what your hubby is saying to her. He could be telling her that you are the witch from hell and can't wait to get away from you while telling you he's emotionally torn blah blah blah.

When my ex husband cheated on me, the woman and I eventually talked and it was a hoot discussing everything he would tell her and then me. He ended up with neither of us. (and this is why I say people can be friends with their ex's. They are an ex for a reason!)


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

She absolutely knows he is married, knows all about us and she even wants to meet my kids. I know this because I heard it all with my own ears from his and her mouths talking together(of course they dont know that I heard it).... I have proof of everything going on even though my WH only told me trickle truths and never admitted to all there is to know.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

She is complaining that he hasn't left me yet. Such a homewrecker!! and she tells him....I can't wait to meet your kids!!! Disgusts me .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

You can not name OM or OW in a divorce action per family law rules and procedures. However, there should be nothing to preclude someone from filing a civil action against them in either a county or a state district court setting.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I spoke to lawyer today and he said he can put her name right on front of papers listing her as co-dependant....maybe it is different in your state Arbitrator. ..............I am in NY. in fact, lawyer already has her name right in front page and photo of her and her address for serving the papers....I just dont know if i want to have her on the papers or not....trying to figure out what is best for me in the end....I would love to stick it to her and maybe cause trouble between she and my WH but I dont want to totally have a really bad relationship with my WH either for my own sake and childrens sake....that is why I am asking advice on what to do about this. thanks all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I spoke to lawyer today and he said he can put her name right on front of papers listing her as co-dependant....maybe it is different in your state Arbitrator. ..............I am in NY. in fact, lawyer already has her name right in front page and photo of her and her address for serving the papers....I just dont know if i want to have her on the papers or not....trying to figure out what is best for me in the end....I would love to stick it to her and maybe cause trouble between she and my WH but I dont want to totally have a really bad relationship with my WH either for my own sake and childrens sake....that is why I am asking advice on what to do about this. thanks all.


Obviously, the State of New York handles their family law matters far different that we do in Texas, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if New York is indeed a "no-fault" divorce state, like most states are, then that might well render such a filing as "frivolous." Check and see if NY is "at fault" or "no fault." 

Texas is basically "no fault." But if certain tests are met, it can revert to "at fault!"


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> You can not name OM or OW in a divorce action per family law rules and procedures. However, there should be nothing to preclude someone from filing a civil action against them in either a county or a state district court setting.


I named the OW as witnesses, and the reason I wanted them as witnesses. Naturally I can't sue THEM, however I can use their testimony against him (and enjoy their discomfort at the thought of them being named in my divorce action for any purpose).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> She absolutely knows he is married, knows all about us and she even wants to meet my kids. I know this because I heard it all with my own ears from his and her mouths talking together(of course they dont know that I heard it).... I have proof of everything going on even though my WH only told me trickle truths and never admitted to all there is to know.


Oh, Hell, Yes! You need to have this POSOW on the divorce papers!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I named the OW as witnesses, and the reason I wanted them as witnesses. Naturally I can't sue THEM, however I can use their testimony against him (and enjoy their discomfort at the thought of them being named in my divorce action for any purpose).


They can possibly be sued in civil court once the family court matter is settled. And that's greatly provided, of course, that they might actually have "deep pockets" of wealth to sue for the breakup of the union. But that's only going to be prevalent in an "at-fault" state.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I spoke to lawyer today and he said he can put her name right on front of papers listing her as co-dependant....maybe it is different in your state Arbitrator. ..............I am in NY. in fact, lawyer already has her name right in front page and photo of her and her address for serving the papers....I just dont know if i want to have her on the papers or not....trying to figure out what is best for me in the end....I would love to stick it to her and maybe cause trouble between she and my WH but I dont want to totally have a really bad relationship with my WH either for my own sake and childrens sake....that is why I am asking advice on what to do about this. thanks all.


You do not want this sk*nk to have a relationship with your children. Do you? So name, shame, blame. They made their bed, they lie in it! Damn straight!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The system used to call the "O" as "co-respondent" and some states used to permit law suits against them for alienation of affection.
Not sure if any still permit this nowadays.
In my case, I might have had to name half the town of 7000 since my ex with so many different guys she couldn't even remember all of their names.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Put her name on the papers and also put her on cheaterville.com. Anytime someone googles her name they will know she is a cheating skank that broke up a family with kids.

Good luck and prayers.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Obviously, the State of New York handles their family law matters far different that we do in Texas, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if New York is indeed a "no-fault" divorce state, like most states are, then that might well render such a filing as "frivolous." Check and see if NY is "at fault" or "no fault."
> 
> Texas is basically "no fault." But if certain tests are met, it can revert to "at fault!"


Uhm..Texas still has the "alienation of affection" laws available in their civil laws. Meaning a betrayed spouse may sue the other woman\other man for alienating the affections of their spouse from them. The OW in my betrayal was lucky she moved to Washington from Texas because I would have filed (as on her end alienating the affections of my spouse would have been from her previous Texas jurisdiction).

Dang skippy if I had had the opportunity to do this I would have. I say name her (I believe NY has this same alienation of affection law too...one of the few left or just removed the law don't remember which - Canada removed the law from their books in 1995 if I remember correctly as well).


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

My solicitor did tell me that they don't generally do it, but eh whats the harm it'll probably delay the divorce but thats okay


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Not to mention that adultery is still a criminal offense in NY, unless they just changed the law. Personally, I think Texas should bring back the Paramour Law.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

if i am not mistaken NY state jusr recently changed to no fault. I remember reading about it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM

I am in NY too. Yes have her named.

She deserves the honor and so does your spouse.

I am glad you are moving forward with your life.

You deserve better so go find it. Never let yourself be the 2nd choice.

M64


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

cdm9999 said:


> I spoke to lawyer today and he said he can put her name right on front of papers listing her as co-dependant....maybe it is different in your state Arbitrator. ..............I am in NY. in fact, lawyer already has her name right in front page and photo of her and her address for serving the papers....I just dont know if i want to have her on the papers or not....trying to figure out what is best for me in the end....I would love to stick it to her and maybe cause trouble between she and my WH but I dont want to totally have a really bad relationship with my WH either for my own sake and childrens sake....that is why I am asking advice on what to do about this. thanks all.



There is no need to discuss this anymore, name her and let the legal wheels turn. She is happy to mess around with a married man she should be happy being named in the court documents.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> There is no need to discuss this anymore, name her and let the legal wheels turn. She is happy to mess around with a married man she should be happy being named in the court documents.


Yeah, fer sure! After all, it's twoo luv between them, right? 

She wants to build a relationship with your children, right? She probably has dreams of you just vanishing in a puff of smoke so she can take on the role as mother, yeah? (Got to be an upgrade from home wrecking &**&, right?)

So she is going to have her name on a marriage licence, apartment lease, etc, so she would surely not mind having her name on divorce documents? Right?:FIREdevil:

Even if just as a witness! ("Could you describe your relationship with the husband of Mrs ...., please?")

Yeah. She should have no problem at all...


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

My college girlfriend had an affair on her husband. She was also at the time a member of the Texas legislature. Her OMW found out about the affair and named her as codefendant. She was subpoenaed and forced to admit to the affair in court documents. It went public and she lost her re-election bid and then her husband divorced her. Kharma at its best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

slater said:


> My college girlfriend had an affair on her husband. She was also at the time a member of the Texas legislature. Her OMW found out about the affair and named her as codefendant. She was subpoenaed and forced to admit to the affair in court documents. It went public and she lost her re-election bid and then her husband divorced her. Kharma at its best.


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I exposed my fWw's affair to OMW by listing the fat**** as a co-respondent so there ya go. But as I said earlier do not do it if you want a speedy trial


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I would slap her name on anything I could.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Well I have a few more days to think about naming her or not... I have to let lawyer know by monday whether to file with her name or not. I am hesitant because I read somewhere (not sure if true) that she will get a copy of the divorce agreement with all the details. Maybe that's no big deal.

Also, I don't want her to be able to counter sue me, which not sure if she could.... and I don't want her making this all more difficult.....Lawyer didnt think there was much she could do to hurt me but who knows.

and lastly, I think I may be better off in the long run if I totally don't piss off my WH.... he just may be more generous and reasonable (which is in my best interest) in all of this..... just wondering, taking away the oh so tempting idea of embarrassing/shaming them both, is it good for me to do this? Even tho my WH wont stop it with OW, he still has feelings and guilt as far as I go (at least i think he does)..........and remember she WILL be named in the papers about the kids tho-no doubt about that and I am sure that will take them aback.......so I am trying to be smart and not get bitten in the butt.............

you all can try to give your opinions either way... I need to think about this.

Did anyone do this (I am in NY) and regret it? or was it just sweet?


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

To anonymouskitty:

You wrote:

I exposed my fWw's affair to OMW by listing the fat**** as a co-respondent so there ya go. But as I said earlier do not do it if you want a speedy trial I am interested in more details about your experience... What happened...did it make it more difficult... did she slow the process and if so, how...thanks.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

oopps sorry...can't figure out how to get a quote showing.... the quote from anonymous kitting above is from "I exposed................speedy trial"..

the rest are my words.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> Well I have a few more days to think about naming her or not... I have to let lawyer know by monday whether to file with her name or not. I am hesitant because I read somewhere (not sure if true) that she will get a copy of the divorce agreement with all the details. Maybe that's no big deal.
> 
> Also, I don't want her to be able to counter sue me, which not sure if she could.... and I don't want her making this all more difficult.....Lawyer didnt think there was much she could do to hurt me but who knows.
> 
> ...


Name her. If your stbxh gets p!$$y, send him a link to cheaterville.com and ask him how he would like to end up there.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

It would have slowed the process had I gone through with the D, but I'm in the Uk though and not naming the Co-Respondent usually makes the divorce process easier. The reason for this is that if the Co-Respondent is named the divorce petition needs to be served on him/her. There can sometimes be difficulties of service when there is only one person to serve. To add to the number of people who must be served with the divorce petition merely doubles the chance of difficulty. A Co-Respondent has no particular incentive to co-operate by returning the papers to the court and this is exacerbated by the fact that that the person guilty of the adultery and the Co-Respondent may be ordered to pay the costs of the divorce by the court if there is no agreement to the contrary. Few people accept that with a smile.

It isn't usually done because the bastards already have case upon case piling up and this makes their job that much more difficult and your costs will go up


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask your attorney if it will slow things down or if there is any other reason not too. The thing is if you do it it will always be on public record what kind of person she is. Think future ancestor searches. "OOOh look, grandma was a cheating wh0re."


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

future descendant mate, ancestors are people who're in the past


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> future descendant mate, ancestors are people who're in the past


I meant when people in the future were doing ancestor searches like so many people are doing on the internet nowadays. Did I goof that up?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Let us know his reaction once he's served. It makes my blood boil to read how he's treating you and it makes me ill to hear she wanted to meet the kids.

Unbelievable that he thinks he can date her and stay married to you.

After a whole year, what more is there for him to know? He is just a cake-eater in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My STBXH also thought he could continue to date and stay married. He would still be doing that at this point if I had not filed for a divorce. Cheaters always believe in their own minds that they can balance the spouse and the girlfriend/boyfriend. I love their excuse of 'needing space/finding themselves'. What a crock of crap. 

Name her sorry butt, she took the title of being his girlfriend. Make it official.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

slater said:


> My college girlfriend had an affair on her husband. She was also at the time a member of the Texas legislature. Her OMW found out about the affair and named her as codefendant. She was subpoenaed and forced to admit to the affair in court documents. It went public and she lost her re-election bid and then her husband divorced her. Kharma at its best.


:smthumbup:

And that, my friends, is precisely the point!


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Hell yes, you should name her.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> Well I have a few more days to think about naming her or not... I have to let lawyer know by monday whether to file with her name or not. I am hesitant because I read somewhere (not sure if true) that she will get a copy of the divorce agreement with all the details. Maybe that's no big deal.
> 
> Also, I don't want her to be able to counter sue me, which not sure if she could.... and I don't want her making this all more difficult.....Lawyer didnt think there was much she could do to hurt me but who knows.
> 
> ...


1. I don't think she is entitled to copies of all your documents.

2. She can't counter sue. The truth is the truth. If it wasn't true, then yes, she could sue for defamation or some such grounds. She really has no basis to counter sue. She is the OW in your marriage, therefore she has already made things difficult.

3. Did you just say "don't piss off your WH?" You think that, by keeping the OW out of it, he will be more generous? Don't count on that. You are only playing into what he wants and NOT what is best for you. Your lawyer will keep things equitable, your WH's temper notwithstanding.

4. You want to be smart? Tell the truth. All of it. Hold no punches. Let the chips fall where they may. In the end, you will feel that you did the right thing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> 1. I don't think she is entitled to copies of all your documents. Per the vast majority of the states rules of civil procedure, she would be entitled to all documents through an equitable process of discovery.
> 
> 2. She can't counter sue. The truth is the truth. If it wasn't true, then yes, she could sue for defamation or some such grounds. She really has no basis to counter sue. She is the OW in your marriage, therefore she has already made things difficult. She can countersue, although her grounds may be extremely flimsy at best, but she can offer up a countersuit that might possibly burden you with some unforseen legal preparation expenses.
> 
> ...


In total agreement~no matter how you may paint it, the truth is awfully hard to refute!


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Here is what my lawyer said about the co-resondant thing.......... I am in NY, so maybe it is different elsewhere but this is what he said.......maybe it will help someone that is wondering about this too....I posed him some questions and these are my questions with his answers.............Now, what do u think since I have this information: 


*1) Could there be any downside for me doing this? Can she counter sue me or can she delay everything if she wants to be spiteful? What is probable that can happen or what about worst case scenario?. Could courts get mad at me for doing it (call me a nuisance or frivolous) and mess up the no fault process?



Answer: The only way she could sue you would be if the claim you are making, that she is your husband's paramour is not true. In other words, if you named another woman as the Co-Respondent simply because you did not like that woman and she had nothing to do with your husband. Since that is not the case here, there is no retribution she can seek against you. The Court will not get mad at you. The Court remains neutral throughout the process and does not become involved with grounds until the end of the divorce. At that time, we will likely settle on the grounds of "Irretrievable Breakdown" like we discussed in my office. Lastly, this in no way will "mess up" the no-fault process. This is allowed under the statutory law (Domestic Relations Law of NYS). We are proceeding under the law correctly so there is no risk to you. Nothing we are doing is outside the law books, to put it in other words.





2) By naming her, what does she have to do/disclose? How involved does she have to get?



Answer: By naming her she will have to disclose the same level of records and documents your husband has to disclose. The includes financial documents and also allows us to more easily depose her at a deposition, because she is a party to the case, not a third party. To answer the other part of your question, she will not be very involved in the case at all. He participation in the case will be minimal. 




3) Does she get to know all my financial information and other details of my life?



Answer: Absolutely not. She will not be given any details about your life or your finances. We are suing her, not the reverse. She has no viable claim against you under the law.




4) Will she get final divorce papers?



Answer: No. We have never in the past given Co-Respondent's copies of the final divorce papers. It is not necessary or required under the law.



5) What are my advantages/protections by doing this if any?



Answer: The advantages are what I stated above in the answer to #2. As for protections, there are no protections. It is simply you naming her in a lawsuit for being a participant in having done something wrong as to the basis of the lawsuit, in this case Adultery. 




6) Do you find from your experience that the process is much more unpleasant because of it? (ex.. does the spouse of the person filing get really pissed off and get spiteful?)



Answer: The short answer is yes. However, I have found in my experience, not as much as my clients would think. I wouldn't worry about hurting either of their feelings. They certainly didn't worry about hurting your feelings.




7) What percentage of people in my situation where they can name the person actually do this co-respondant thing?



Answer: I would say about 15% in my experience. However, keep in mind I work with many victims of physical abuse who are to scared to proceed in this manner. It really depends on the facts of the case. It is not one of those things you can simply look at what the crowds do and make a decision. Some start with a Co-Respondent and then at some point in the case drop the Co-Respondent of the case as either a good will gesture or because they feel they have made their point. Again, ever case is different, as ever client and couple is different.* 
OK, so its me again, what do you think? My biggest fear, i guess, is getting backlash from my WH and him being less "generous" with the agreement or having a worse relationship with me. Right now, he does treat me poorly at times, but does express good feelings towards me to along with some guilt and his idea that he would always take care of me. But he did get angry when I didnt agree to mediation and I said I wanted to get my own lawyer. He said if i get a lawyer, the lawyers will take us for all our money and I just said, only if an agreement cant be reached. I said I would never ask for anything unreasonable so there should be no reason for him to fight me. He still got mad. So he is very jeckle and hyde and hard to trust what is real.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM,

I live in NY too! Name her!!!

HM64


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Stop worrying about your STBXH!
He wanted you to go to mediation, not because he cared about you but because he's cheap & probably was going to try to screw you over.
That's why you always get a lawyer in a divorce otherwise you end up getting shafted.
It sounds like you have a really good lawyer. 
Name the OW in the papers, you're getting a divorce, you are going to get what you want in the settlement & if he tries to screw you out of anything, you have the power to stall the procedings. 
He wants the divorce so he can marry the OW, if anything, he should be worried about not pissing YOU off, as you're the one who holds all the cards.
Find your backbone, you have more power than you believe & are stronger than you know.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Yes,it does. You claim infidelity, the court wants proof. You name names. In the scheme of things, it has little to do with the final settlement, but it is part of the evidence against the WS. If one has the names, no reason to hold them back.


Also, it sets the record straight, going forward. Cheating spouses rewrite marital histories and they will do this after the divorce. 

Let the court record show who cheated on whom so the cheater can't lie later. 

Cheaters are liars. We all know that without a doubt. 

One can not cheat without lying and deceiving and even stealing marital assets.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay you asked for my opinion here.
So name that OW if for no other reason that to make your WH see how fickle their relationship is. How many OW are willing to deal with all this rather than just moving on and being done with the the drama. After all a fantasy No drama sex fest is what they were after. So sorry that's how it did not turn out. 
Plus it isn't your problem anymore once you have your D and are out the door you get to look back and say yea I am glad I did screw them both over. While dating your new B/F who knows you are faithful.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> CDM,
> 
> I live in NY too! Name her!!!
> 
> HM64


Well, as a New Yorker myself, I say _do it_. Make the home-wrecker squirm a bit.

Good luck to you CDM!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was able to name the OW in my divorce proceedings as well. I think it's a good idea and it will make people think twice before hobnobbing with married people.

My solicitor said that it could slow down the process as OWs are slow to sign. But my exH wanted out and I could imagine him hassling the OW to hurry up and sign. That's got to be worth something.

Someone else mentioned cheaterville. I always worried about sites like that because you never know who's on there that doesn't deserve to be. If cheaterville had requirements like being mentioned in divorce papers for cheating that would include the cheating spouse and the OW/OM, then sites like them could be more reliable.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Absolutely, name her

They intend a future relationship - it should be a matter of record how it started for your peace of mind and to avoid future 're-writing'

If they squirm a bit as well, so be it - it is nothing compared to being the BS, I'm sure of that


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

when I was separated, I was dating an old flame who was going through his own divorce proceedings. I told him that I did name the mistress in my divorce papers.

Now, this guy wasn't nicest guy in the world, not the first time nor even the second time around, but he actually had nerve to tell me that even though he could have named the OM as well in his case, but he was "above" that. There was no need to do that IHO and he could hold his head high that he did not stoop that low as to name the OM in his case.

Just have to put that down to a different set of values.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input.... the only thing that some people incorrectly mentioned is that HE wants the divorce.....right now, he does NOT want me to divorce him because he is not completely sure of what he should do (me/family or OW) ...... I feel that he believes that is loves this OW (she was his first love whom he dated 3 years from when he was a teemager).... he told me he always thought about her and it just so happened that she separated from her husband a couple of years ago and they decided to get together.... i found out last month about this and found out this has been going on for well over a year if not two although he won't admit that. He says it is NOT about sex, but a big emotional connection. I believe this although I know they are having sex. We didn't have a problem with sex at all (in fact that was a strength in our relationship) but had some compatability/ connection problems .... I am still telling him I want her to leave her so we can build a new marraige, take the advice of "His Needs Her Needs" book , and hopefully have a stronger relationship. 

So, there it is, I still love him and want him to leave her. I know he has a strong pull to me in a lot of ways otherwise he would have left already. I think he loves me (BNILWM) and is really attracted to me...he just doesnt claim to have the emotional connection to me. I am still hoping he will make the right decision. I try to do the Just Let Him Go theory and the 180, but so hard. I can't bear him to be with her of all people. She is my worst nightmare and the worst scenario there could be.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Let him go, if he wants you, he'll come back, nothing stops a man from the woman he WANTS.
Though you should ask yourself, why you would want to stay married to a man who did not first & foremost chose you?
Please don't delude yourself for the reasons why he hasn't asked for a divorce, the man is a classic cake eater.
He's told you he loves another woman, that right there should have been all the answer you needed. 
Like I posted before, find your backbone, you are worth so much more than putting up with this absolute garbage of bullsh*t from this man.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> And lastly, I think I may be better off in the long run if I totally don't piss off my WH.... he just may be more generous and reasonable (which is in my best interest) in all of this.....


If you tease the dog, don't be surprised when it bites you. I tried to get my spouse to do an uncontested divorce but she wouldn't because she doesn't want to get divorced. I offered to let her have pretty much everything, pay reasonable alimony, child support, etc. Now I'm filing contested and I'm not being so generous this time. Not at all.

I wouldn't do it. What've you got to gain but a little personal vindication? Certainly not saying what he did was right but I've only heard one side of this story.

Heck...after the divorce is over, take out a full page ad in the paper and announce their affair. Of course I'm joking but word of mouth spreads fast. Just tell everyone after it's over.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> Thanks everyone for your input.... the only thing that some people incorrectly mentioned is that HE wants the divorce.....right now, he does NOT want me to divorce him because he is not completely sure of what he should do (me/family or OW) ...... I feel that he believes that is loves this OW (she was his first love whom he dated 3 years from when he was a teemager).... he told me he always thought about her and it just so happened that she separated from her husband a couple of years ago and they decided to get together.... i found out last month about this and found out this has been going on for well over a year if not two although he won't admit that. He says it is NOT about sex, but a big emotional connection. I believe this although I know they are having sex. We didn't have a problem with sex at all (in fact that was a strength in our relationship) but had some compatability/ connection problems .... I am still telling him I want her to leave her so we can build a new marraige, take the advice of "His Needs Her Needs" book , and hopefully have a stronger relationship.
> 
> So, there it is, I still love him and want him to leave her. I know he has a strong pull to me in a lot of ways otherwise he would have left already. I think he loves me (BNILWM) and is really attracted to me...he just doesnt claim to have the emotional connection to me. I am still hoping he will make the right decision. I try to do the Just Let Him Go theory and the 180, but so hard. I can't bear him to be with her of all people. She is my worst nightmare and the worst scenario there could be.


It always makes me sad to see a spouse fighting for a cheater who has not ended the affair. 

If he loves you, he will be back, if he does not come back, then you haven't lost a loving husband. 

Let him go for your own health and peace of mind.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Heck...after the divorce is over, take out a full page ad in the paper and announce their affair. Of course I'm joking but word of mouth spreads fast. Just tell everyone after it's over.


She could do that. 

Doing so is not slander because the defense against slander is the truth. 

That is why, IMO, it is important to mention the affair as a reason for the divorce and to introduce evidence.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> She could do that.
> 
> Doing so is not slander because the defense against slander is the truth.
> 
> That is why, IMO, it is important to mention the affair as a reason for the divorce and to introduce evidence.


then it's in writing and verified by a government institution.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> then it's in writing and verified by a government institution.


Yes, at that point, it's documented and part of the public court record. Hence you have not lied and not revealed any info that anyone can not look up on their own.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thanks Phenix and Sara......... I know you are right, but having a hard time. Here's update.... guys I know what you will be thinking, but dont give up on me and keep hitting me with the 2X4's... I do feel a bit disgusted with myself.

Yesterday we got a little close (no sex, but pretty hot and heavy with some sexual contact)....Other than this time, we havent done anything really except some hugs in about 3 months. I know, not good. I just couldn't help it and it felt so nice at the time and I know he felt true affection/love for me in some ways. He is my H afterall and I miss it. Like I said, sex/attraction not a problem with us. I do feel a bit bad about it but glad I didnt let him "go all the way"....feels weird saying that as his wife of 21 years.

But he still wont leave the OW 

I told him leave her, lets go away together, try to work on our problems, learn to fulfill each others needs, and see if we can do this. He says he feels it is fate that threw them back together with her and he has laughed more with her the few times he spent with her than we did the whole marraige. I do know it has been way more than a few times tho. He feels so connected to her and feels he could be giving up this chance he has after all these years he thought of her. 

Anyway, today he said he wanted to go away with the family and me to a family all inclusive resort type of place. I said I would love to but asked if this is this a gesture of us trying to save our family or a kind of last chance that we will be together kind of vacation. He said he just wants to go away with the kids as a family, but didnt reassure me in any way about the true intentions.

So later I said(again), have no contact with her and lets give it 6 months of us really trying, reading the help books, changing our life in ways that would nurture the relationship, etc. Ultimately he said I dont know...i will think about it. He does cry over all this stuff when i talk to him about it.

So that is where it is left. I know this sounds so pathetic and I feel horrible that I can even write that I am doing this.... I just think he may just snap out of it before it is too late. When I say too late, I mean when things formally get filed, everything is known to everyone .

Help.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Okay, I think it's time for the big guns to snap him out of his fog & the only way to do that is to go ahead & have your lawyer draw up the divorce papers.
Getting the divorce papers doesn't mean you're divorced, BUT it will show him you're not f'ing around anymore. 
Right now you're husband has absolutely no consequences for his continued disrespect of you or your marriage.
You're allowing him to cake eat, hell you're serving him the cake. 
Seeing that you followed through with getting the paperwork done, could be the jolt he needs to come out of his fog.
Because right now, he has no incentive to chose you or her, he's got you both.
Stand up for yourself, show him you mean business, you will be enticing because you will be showing strength, REAL men respond to strength not weakness.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

He's a big time cake eater and he's pretty bold about it too.

A sane person knows how incredibly cruel this whole situation is to you but clearly, he's lost his mind. It's unbelievable how selfish he's being. I'm angry for you.

Do your families know he is putting you through this?

He's taking his time choosing because you're giving him time.

He's attached to you. Too attached to just let you go which is why he's having trouble "deciding". He knows you'll always be there waiting.

Take away his wife cake and I bet in time, he'll realize that OW is not all she's cracked up to be...You know what they say about the success rate of affairs? And this OW is a piece of work. Does she have no conscience?! What about the children? I really don't understand these women at all! I could not live with myself if I engaged in this kind of hurtful drama. I hope that Karma bus is coming for her soon.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

thanks Zanna.... it makes me stronger to read these posts and my brain totally sees what you are saying. My heart is the broken part. 

I did finally tell my sister and brother about all this, so I have them....otherwise, his family doesnt know and nobody else knows including our close knit neighborshood..... I was hanging out with the girls last night, tonight he plays poker with the guys....nobody knows yet....once I file, I plan on telling close family, friends, and neighbors. 

The filing was supposed to take place today but i told them hold off because i dont know if i should name the OW or not..... once I decide, it would only take a day for the filing then a couple more days to serve the papers.

I am an optomist ( i think that is why i survived with him so long) so I keep thinking that we can get the happiness we want if we just start fullfilling each other basic needs....I do believe we both had a part in the failures of the marraige but I think he played a much bigger part in it tho. 

BTW, everyone, including his own family feels that he is a difficult person and wouldnt have been able to live with him.

But all that aside, it is wrong to give him (quite a few) last chances to do the right thing? I did tell him I can't believe I am groveling and i told him that I am fighting for my marraige and feel he will snap out of the fog.......he told me that he understands why and doesn't feel less respect for me.

This really sucks so much. Sorry for going on and on.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

We shall see what happens next few days to see what is what. We haven't spoken about the 6 months idea of mine and his "I will think about it" response....Today his sister and mother are coming over for the holiday so dont think i will be able to talk to him until late tonight....I will press him for an answer... I don't think he will give me a definitive answer, but who knows. 

Thanks all.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

BTW---Sucks to have to fake it with his family.... I feel i wont tell them until papers get served. They love me and I wonder what they will do when they find out.....Of course, they knew this girl when he was going with her way back in his teens. They knew how much he wanted to be with her after they broke up back then. I hope they wont accept her as a adultress that broke up our marraige. But they are his family.... what usually happens in these cases? Do they just support their cheating family member ultimately? Or is the OW always kind of rejected from the family?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You will not get anywhere with the OW in the picture. He will just see the new fresh relationship, with no headaches of real life (kids, money, etc.). You can't compete with that.

It really is very simple. File for divorce. If he agrees to go No Contact with OW and commit to marriage (full transparency, counseling, etc.) then you stop the divorce. If he won't agree, the divorce happens.

He needs a wake up call. He needs to see consequences for having an affair and the consequences is the end of the marriage.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

If his family has any morals or cares about your children, they might not say it but they're going to look down on OW (aka homewrecking skank).

My H said even if hadn't already realized that his OW was not a good person and that she needed to go, that the thought of introducing her to his family made him realize that it had to end for a multitude of reasons. He said he would be embarrassed to be in an R built on a foundation of lies and deceit and that he'd most definitely be judged for it by his family. I guess that's why exposure works so well.

I don't think you should pursue your husband or talk to him about 6 month trial periods again. You really need to stop the pursuit. Yes, it will hurt and feel counter-intuitive but you need to be strong even when you feel weak. I think the best chance for getting the WS back is to let them go. When you truly let him go, that's when I believe he will come back. 

Your WS is having his needs met by two women. His ego is huge. He's feeling pretty invincible, but take away his options and he may stay with OW for a while...until he realizes she is most definitely NOT worth the huge price he had to pay for her. She looks good right now because their R is a fantasy. It's not real. Once it takes place in the real world, it will crumble. And I think that will happen faster if you remove yourself from the equation. He already wants to make you his OW!


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

The risk you run with the sort of trial period you are offering is that he carries on 'trialling' both of you, albeit he may take her underground. Its torture , absolute torture and you are better off without that. I did what you are doing, he stayed and it was a disaster

If he is still undecided when you next speak, go ahead with filing. Tell him that's what you are doing and do it. If I had my time over, thats what I would do.

Don't make yourself 'available at any price' x


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> BTW---Sucks to have to fake it with his family.... I feel i wont tell them until papers get served. They love me and I wonder what they will do when they find out.....Of course, they knew this girl when he was going with her way back in his teens. They knew how much he wanted to be with her after they broke up back then. I hope they wont accept her as a adultress that broke up our marraige. But they are his family.... what usually happens in these cases? *Do they just support their cheating family member ultimately? *Or is the OW always kind of rejected from the family?


Yes they do. Ultimately he's tied by blood. And given enough time, they will accept him for all his flaws.

What you should do is expose him to them so that you get to set their first impression of the affair before he starts spinning his story. He'll have the rest of his life to spin his story with them.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

My inlaws use 'we don't want to get involved - its between you two' as an excuse. It means they disown the wrong their son has done and can keep their relationship with him unchanged without feeling guilty. 

They hurt me a lot with their refusal to judge. I think it explains a lot of how he is. To me, unconditional love is not about pretending children are faultless, its about dealing with their faults, encouraging them to do better and loving them anyway


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> thanks Zanna.... it makes me stronger to read these posts and my brain totally sees what you are saying. My heart is the broken part.
> 
> I did finally tell my sister and brother about all this, so I have them....otherwise, his family doesnt know and nobody else knows including our close knit neighborshood..... I was hanging out with the girls last night, tonight he plays poker with the guys....nobody knows yet....once I file, I plan on telling close family, friends, and neighbors.
> 
> ...


Groveling = beat him away with a stick. 

No one, mentally healthy, is attracted to fawning, grovelling neediness , it is so repulsive. You can't expect someone to respect you if you do not respect yourself. 

I do not know what to advise a woman but for men there is Married Man Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy. 

I mean you have been going days now trying to figureout if you shouldput the OW ( cheating wh*re) on the divorce papers. 

You really need to cowgirl up and regain your self respect. Seriously, you are letting him rub this in your face, why wouldn't he?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

it sounds like you're begging him to stay. pretty pathetic if you ask me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If your husband does get to keep you, you do know he will be a very, very lucky man? That whatever happens, he doesn't really deserve you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> it sounds like you're begging him to stay. pretty pathetic if you ask me.


But nobody did ask you.

When people come here for help to deal with a cheating spouse, how is kicking them supposed to help?:scratchhead:


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