# Wife Low/No Libido



## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

The story:
I have been remarried for 2 years, I am 44 wife is 43. There has been a change in my wife and her libido. We used to have sex 3 times a week at a minimum but as we have continued in our married relationship that has been reduced to about once in 7-10 days. We just have intercourse and very little foreplay. I am just lost at the change. 
We have had a discussion and the reply was that she is just not in the mood. I have a very hard time going 10 days without being intimate with her. It has a negative relationship on my thoughts. If we are intimate, I am more loving/caring. Without being intimate I am less loving/caring. It brings us closer and we both get more of what we want.
She did say we can have sex but it is solely for me and she would like me to finish very quickly. This is not very gratifying for me, I feel it should be a too way street when it comes to intimacy. Other suggestions are I should just take care of it myself. This is something that I really do not want to do, it is not gratifying at all.

What should be my next move?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Have there been any changes recently? More stress, new job, a move, child/children?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Peri-menopause?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Divorce?


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

We have been strapped with bills for a few months, and some loans due soon.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

The change has been getting married. She probably just had that much sex with you to get you (dating) and now that she has you (marriage) she feels she doesn't have to have as much sex. Women sometimes do that (bait and switch) and yes I'm a women but since I'm the HD in the marriage no I didn't that to my husband. Marriage also brings on more stress, living together, finances etc, which may be affecting her sex drive.

It becomes cycle, she doesn't give you sex so you become cranky and withdrawn and then she doesn't feel emotional close to you so she doesn't want sex so you become cranky and etc ...........


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Have the two of you been fighting more recently?


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> The change has been getting married. She probably just had that much sex with you to get you (dating) and now that she has you (marriage) she feels she doesn't have to have as much sex. Women sometimes do that (bait and switch) and yes I'm a women but since I'm the HD in the marriage no I didn't that to my husband. Marriage also brings on more stress, living together, finances etc, which may be affecting her sex drive.
> 
> It becomes cycle, she doesn't give you sex so you become cranky and withdrawn and then she doesn't feel emotional close to you so she doesn't want sex so you become cranky and etc ...........


You hit the nail right on the head! That is the way I feel completely. I talked about seeing a counselor but nothing came from it.


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Have the two of you been fighting more recently?


No fighting at all, we have discussed bills and budgets though


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Divorce?


This is something that I would not consider


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Peri-menopause?


This I am not sure about, can this cause libido issues?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

When you've had stress in the past, does your wife retreat into herself? Put a guard up?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

ziggystardust said:


> This I am not sure about, can this cause libido issues?


In spades. Yes, absolutely.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> The change has been getting married. She probably just had that much sex with you to get you (dating) and now that she has you (marriage) she feels she doesn't have to have as much sex. Women sometimes do that (bait and switch) and yes I'm a women but since I'm the HD in the marriage no I didn't that to my husband. Marriage also brings on more stress, living together, finances etc, which may be affecting her sex drive.
> 
> It becomes cycle, she doesn't give you sex so you become cranky and withdrawn and then she doesn't feel emotional close to you so she doesn't want sex so you become cranky and etc ...........



They've been married 2 years. Not sure how long they dated, but bait and switch usually means that one person stops doing an activity (or starts a new one) immediately after marriage or a few months thereafter. 2 years into the marriage with this happening means it's likely something else. 

I know that some people on this board have a hard time believing this as there are several threads going on right now about it - but stress can actually kill a libido for women (and he said they have some loans coming due). If she is mad at you for something, that can kill a libido, she is in a peri-menopausal age and may not know how to deal with it...that can kill a libido....

There can be several reasons. Jumping to bait and switch without further information is really not helpful. 

Do you spend time with her - just you and her doing something you both enjoy (other than sex)?

Do you touch her without expecting sex?

Has she been "nagging' to you about something over and over?

It sounds like she doesn't communicate very well since she won't elaborate on why she isn't in the mood. You should address this with her and let her know that she needs to open up more. She should be more specific on why she isn't in the mood and if there is anything she would like that would help her be in the mood. I mean how can you fix something if you don't know what's broke, right?

Tell her sex is how you express love. Many women do NOT understand this. I didn't before I came to this board. I always had a lot of sex with my H - but honestly, sometimes I felt like a piece of meat to him. I didn't know it's how he expressed that he loves me. I don't feel like a piece of meat any longer ( for the most part) and I have found other ways to improve our intimacy. 

It was a shock to me though that men express love through sex - mostly because the men I was around always talked negatively about their most recent conquest of F-ing the new hot girl...etc. It didn't seem very loving to me. 

I understand a lot better now. However, I was WILLING to understand. Some women are very much stuck in their ways and she is mid 40's. She may not change her view, but it definitely doesn't hurt to try. 

What have you tried to get your wife to communicate more with you?


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> When you've had stress in the past, does your wife retreat into herself? Put a guard up?


yes that is what happens


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## ziggystardust (Apr 13, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> They've been married 2 years. Not sure how long they dated, but bait and switch usually means that one person stops doing an activity (or starts a new one) immediately after marriage or a few months thereafter. 2 years into the marriage with this happening means it's likely something else.
> 
> I know that some people on this board have a hard time believing this as there are several threads going on right now about it - but stress can actually kill a libido for women (and he said they have some loans coming due). If she is mad at you for something, that can kill a libido, she is in a peri-menopausal age and may not know how to deal with it...that can kill a libido....
> 
> ...


At the moment we have just talked with each other. it is hard for each of us to open up. Both tend to be a little guarded. I am going to have to push the issue a little more so we can get to the root of the issue. 

Thanks so much for your feedback.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ziggystardust said:


> This is something that I would not consider


Then you are doomed.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

SHe knew that to get you to marry her she needed to be sexual.
What she now needs to know that to keep herself married to you, she still needs to be sexual. If you cannot get her to make this connection, you will not have a sexual marriage.


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

It could possibly be a medical issue. Maybe she is developing a hormonal imbalance. A few years ago, my wife began hormonal replacement therapy and her libido increased so much that I needed it also just to keep up with her.


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