# Stopping husband's bad habits- help!



## iamlammypi (Sep 30, 2015)

How can I communicate to my husband that he has disgusting habits without him feeling offended?

My husband has some disgusting, and quite embarrassing, habits. Unfortunately, whenever I try to correct them he either rolls his eyes or wilts like a flower. First, he has very irritable skin, including on his scalp, so when he goes to get a haircut (has a military high and tight because he is national guard and law enforcement), his scalp gets inflamed and he gets very large pimples. He has recently started popping the pimples, and if successful, will smell what comes out. This happens mostly at home, but he occasionally does it in public. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, but he either denies he was doing anything, or throws his hands up in the air in frustration and acts like I am making an unreasonable request. 

Second, his table manners are also pretty atrocious, but it is here where he wilts like a flower if I try to correct him. When he eats salads, he makes no effort to wipe his mouth, so the salad dressing smears all over his mouth and even onto his chin. When I ask him to wipe his mouth, his shoulders sag and he drops his head, and he ignores me and focuses solely on his food. Also, when eating certain foods he will chew on it with half of it hanging out of his mouth (imagine someone eating large chunk of soft pretzel with a substantial bit of it hanging out of their mouth). Asking him not to do that gets me an eye roll and then ignored.

So, any suggestions on how to handle this? It might seem kind of petty to be upset by this, but I have never dated a man or had a male friend who did any of this, and I am getting to the point where I can't take it anymore.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ummm...

What you describe is simply gross.

Maybe try telling him his pimple-crushing and food hanging out of his mouth/dribbling down his chin is a COMPLETE and TOTAL turnoff. You are not sexually interested in someone who smashes pimples -- in public or private -- (thus releasing a foul odor) and also has yesterday's dinner smeared on his chin.

A visit to a dermatologist for his scalp problem is in order. As well as signing him up for an etiquette course.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

iamlammypi said:


> How can I communicate to my husband that he has disgusting habits without him feeling offended?
> 
> My husband has some disgusting, and quite embarrassing, habits. Unfortunately, whenever I try to correct them he either rolls his eyes or wilts like a flower. First, he has very irritable skin, including on his scalp, so when he goes to get a haircut (has a military high and tight because he is national guard and law enforcement), his scalp gets inflamed and he gets very large pimples. He has recently started popping the pimples, and if successful, will smell what comes out. This happens mostly at home, but he occasionally does it in public. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, but he either denies he was doing anything, or throws his hands up in the air in frustration and acts like I am making an unreasonable request.
> 
> ...


And your H handles a weapon in the guard/law enforcement? :surprise:

Recommend he sees a dermatologist for his scalp. Next time he has dressing all over the face treat him like a child and wipe his mouth for him. Do it in public for others to see. Perhaps he will get the idea that what he is doing is unattractive. For a kid cute. For a grown man...unattractive.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think he knows he offends you and that you find him rather disgusting. So, to keep the act going he just keeps doing it more to provoke a reaction from you. He must feel quite the child.

Tell him to find a different barber and go see a dermatologist. Buy him some Head and Shoulders shampoo. Get a toner with tea tree oil in it to wipe his scalp. It should get raid of the bumps. 

Then, tell him to find a new kinder wife, who will look out for him and take care of him. I feel really bad for the poor guy.


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## iamlammypi (Sep 30, 2015)

I actually have bought him medicines and creams and ointments for his scalp. My only objection to him is seeing him sitting there sniffing wads of pus on his fingertips. That's very off putting. 

But, to each their own.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If he works his way up the ranks, he will be attending dinners where etiquette is needed or his career will stall (if this is a career vs. a means to an end - i.e. college). Is there an etiquette class the two of you can sign up for? 

As to the scalp I agree that's nasty to pick and he needs to see a dermatologist. Also, perhaps you should look at buying some clippers and you doing his hair. That way you keep them clean and can use treatments that won't irritate. It could be they don't clean their clippers well and he just keeps getting infections. Often psoriasis is on the scalp and not properly diagnosed until you see a dermatologist, so do please talk him into seeing one.

I don't think you are being unkind as you are trying to help him without hurting his ego. Be sure to praise the smallest of improvements.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

are you his mom?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Videotape him and then show it to him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My stomach started to churn after I got through the second paragraph.
I couldn't even finish reading.

my condolenses. I hope he's a good husband that makes up for in other ways.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would walk away so as to remove myself from the exposure. And not say a word.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Video taping sounds like a good idea. 

Did he have bad table manners before you married him? I don't know if that's something you can change or it should have been something you worked on before marriage. Why is it bothering you now?


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

These are obviously things well within his control. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings. Maybe if you hit his ego, he'll be inspired to change. If I were you, I'd tell him it embarrasses me to be seen with him being disgusting and then I'd leave whenever he does it. 

I really don't understand how some people get to adulthood with such bad manners. Did NO ONE care enough about them to teach them manners as children? 

I have a cousin like that. I hate eating with him. It's disgusting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with a visit to a dermatologist. He needs to find out why he his scalp breaks out after a hair cut. It could be that it is being cut too short and he's getting in-grown hairs. 

You could offer to take a bath or shower with him after a hair cut and give his scalp are very good cleaning and massage with very warm water. That might stop the breakout before it starts. It you turn it into sexy time, it might be something that he start looking forward to.

What rank is he? Does he eat like that when he's eating around the other service people? 

Do you know his parents? Do they eat like that?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nynaeve said:


> These are obviously things well within his control. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings. Maybe if you hit his ego, he'll be inspired to change. If I were you, I'd tell him it embarrasses me to be seen with him being disgusting and then I'd leave whenever he does it.
> 
> *I really don't understand how some people get to adulthood with such bad manners. Did NO ONE care enough about them to teach them manners as children? *
> 
> I have a cousin like that. I hate eating with him. It's disgusting.


What I don't understand is how these weren't deal breakers when they were dating :surprise:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> What I don't understand is how these weren't deal breakers when they were dating :surprise:



I agree. There are certain standards everyone should have when dating. I remember nexting a guy because he was a horrible driver. My daughter nexted a guy because he ate with his mouth open and talked with food in his mouth.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What you are describing OP is absolutely disgusting. Just gross. Yuck. If my hubby did either of those things I would go OFF. In no uncertain terms.

Hubby and I are on the same page with a lot of stuff like this thank god, lol. We were laughing and joking about our pet peeves early on in our dating life, and our top 3 were pretty much the same - loud, messy eaters; not cleaning the toilet bowl after doing your business and slurping hot drinks. Hehe!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H should go to a doctor but it sounds like he has scalp psoriasis which requires a polytar shampoo available from a pharmacy.

With regard to his eating habits I would suggest you ignore them for a while, nagging a grown man can have the opposite effect and he may be digging his heels in. Remember, he is not your child and his behaviour is no reflection on you. He will eventually meet someone who will be less than diplomatic and will either suffer the embarrassment or change.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

I had dandruff as a kid.. Head and Shoulders made it worse! I'd recommend going chemical free. I have great hair and absolutely no dandruff. Using coconut oil and massaging it into the scalp would help moisturize his hair too. 

Sniffing the pus is absolutely disgusting. I threw up in my mouth when I read that. I would at least say to him, if you have to do that, go into the bathroom or somewhere I can't see you. I would probably throw up if I did see him do that. 

As for eating with half the food hanging out of his mouth, I am more easygoing with that. If the ABC food isn't escaping from his flapping gob while eating, and it's just the uneaten part hanging out, I wouldn't find that a problem. But if the ABC food is also within view, it's gross. 

In my life, there are some things I do that my husband doesn't like, and vice versa. They're not quite so gross as sniffing pus, ugh just thinking about that makes me nauseated. 

I hope you and he can find a solution to this problem. But he has to be a willing participant as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Had you met him before you married him?


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

I really feel for you.

I have a husband of 25 years who simply doesn't get it either in regards to disgusting habits. One day last month, he came home and proceeded to make himself a pyrex dish full of food. He just ate the whole thing in about 3-5 minutes. Sucked it down like a HOOVER (disgusting). Then he left his stuff in the sink (rather than cleaning up his mess) and took a bath and left the bathroom disgusting also. Fast forward to the morning after and he is trying to get physical with me, and I tell him to get back and he says he wont until i tell him what's wrong. I explain to him that his inhaling his 4 servings of food like a vacuum cleaner and leaving the bathroom all gross and messed up makes him just fat and disgusting. 

That cut him deep, but I have been hinting long enough about changes he needs to make. 

Now I'm just calling a spade a spade.


Good luck.

Post back how you do..

I have the same problem and I am interested in how you solve it!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sorry can't resist reporting that my ex boyfriend would scratch his balls (hand down front of his pants) then openly smell his fingers. He also would routinely wipe his hands on my couch while eating, using it as a napkin.

He's gone now.

I am getting at long last new couches now that he's gone.

I don't think your husband is going to change his behavior unless he wants to. You could gag and walk away when he smells the pus. That might get through to him.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Anon1111 said:


> are you his mom?


No, because he obviously didn't have one. How else could someone make it to adulthood and chew with food hanging out of his mouth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't know how you manage to tolerate such vulgar behaviour, OP. Other than telling him straight out how thoroughly disgusting and offensive these habits are, I don't know what to suggest.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Insted of telling him to wipe it off, can you innocently say "Oh, honey you got something here'?

For the scalp pimple I recommend Tea Tree shampoo (dark green bottle) - if pretty much fixed that issue for my husband. But he was not popping (I was tempted though to do it for him, )


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

My H has a similar issue and leaves little blood stains on his pillow from where he picks at the spots on his head. Haven't tried black sheets yet, but my white and ivory sheets have permanent blood spots. He just can't help but pick until they bleed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> My H has a similar issue and leaves little blood stains on his pillow from where he picks at the spots on his head. Haven't tried black sheets yet, but my white and ivory sheets have permanent blood spots. He just can't help but pick until they bleed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you haven't already, try Nature's Miracle on the blood stains. It's sold for pet messes, but it's pretty darned miraculous on any biological stain, including blood. Though, it may not work on older stains that have set in through several washings.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Rowan said:


> If you haven't already, try Nature's Miracle on the blood stains. It's sold for pet messes, but it's pretty darned miraculous on any biological stain, including blood. Though, it may not work on older stains that have set in through several washings.


I'll be sure to let him know. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

iamlammypi said:


> How can I communicate to my husband that he has disgusting habits without him feeling offended?
> 
> My husband has some disgusting, and quite embarrassing, habits. Unfortunately, whenever I try to correct them he either rolls his eyes or wilts like a flower. First, he has very irritable skin, including on his scalp, so when he goes to get a haircut (has a military high and tight because he is national guard and law enforcement), his scalp gets inflamed and he gets very large pimples. He has recently started popping the pimples, and if successful, will smell what comes out. This happens mostly at home, but he occasionally does it in public. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, but he either denies he was doing anything, or throws his hands up in the air in frustration and acts like I am making an unreasonable request.
> 
> ...



Speaking as a married hubby of 16 years, I sometimes get food, etc on my mouth and chin. Drives Mrs.CuddleBug nuts, so she cleans it off. I don't do this on purpose but its not a big deal to me.

If I have acne Mrs.CuddleBug loves to torment me by grabbing onto me and popping them. She giggles and loves this and I've gotten used to her doing this.

Us men are just that, men. We are not ladies, pretty, prim and proper. We are men.

What drives me crazy about Mrs.CuddleBug, her not putting away what she took out from the fridge and leaves it on the kitchen counter top.

Or leaves her pop and food and plate out on the coffee table when she's done with it.

Or leaves all her clothes and other items in big piles on her side of the bed.

Or leaving almost nothing on the toilet paper roll or shampoo or conditioner.


I don't get mad at her. I just get the new roll of toilet paper or new bottles of shampoo and conditioner.

I sometimes put away her kitchen items and stuff laying on the coffee table but now I just leave it so she has to clean it all up.

I don't touch her piles of clothes on her side of the bed either.


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## 2cats1dog (Oct 6, 2015)

What if you filmed him doing it and show it to him afterwards? Some ppl need to see it for themselves! You know when you hear your own voice on a vcm? most ppl hate it! Just an idea...


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Speaking as a married hubby of 16 years, I sometimes get food, etc on my mouth and chin. Drives Mrs.CuddleBug nuts, so she cleans it off. I don't do this on purpose but its not a big deal to me.
> 
> ...
> 
> *Us men are just that, men. We are not ladies, pretty, prim and proper. We are men*.


I call big fat BS on this line here.

Not all men have disgusting manners. In fact, most don't. There's nothing in the Y chromosome that dictates men can't wipe their own mouths.



EVERYONE sometimes gets food on their mouths/chin when we eat. Most of us learned how to use a napkin when we were kids.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

so many women just can't resist trying to mother their husbands. And not even nice mothering either. Would you talk to your kids that way-- calling them gross and nasty?

Imagine if your husband said the following to you:

"when was the last time you shaved your legs? disgusting!"

"there is a disgusting tampon in the toilet-- I assume that was you."

"are you really eating ice cream? are you ever full?"

your husband is a GROWN MAN. If he wants to be a slob, he's going to be one.

You don't have to find it attractive. It's not attractive-- no question about that.

But it's not your job to raise him.

And if you're determined to raise him, be a nice mother instead of a mean one.

"Honey-- looks like you've got a painful rash. Is there anything I can do to help you? Would you like me to get you some special shampoo?"

If he says "No," then drop it. It's HIS decision.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree that it's not her job to raise him and that mothering him isn't the way to go. But, I also would find it very, very, difficult to be sexually turned on by a guy with what sounds like some pretty disgusting personal habits. 

OP, have you tried telling him that the puss-sniffing thing makes you not want to have sex with him? If not, try it. In those words: "_X is a sexual turn off. It makes me not want to have sex with you_."


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> so many women just can't resist trying to mother their husbands. And not even nice mothering either. Would you talk to your kids that way-- calling them gross and nasty?
> 
> Imagine if your husband said the following to you:
> 
> ...


Good point here Anon. However, if someone behaves in a disgusting way, way that diminished his attractiveness to his wife, than this affects the whole relationship. If you eating dinner at the same table with someone who has food on his chin, it is disgusting. You can not enjoy your own food, because your insides are revolting. this has nothing to do with mothering, it is in our own interest.

The other issue will be why the husband does not care ?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Good point here Anon. However, if someone behaves in a disgusting way, way that diminished his attractiveness to his wife, than this affects the whole relationship. If you eating dinner at the same table with someone who has food on his chin, it is disgusting. You can not enjoy your own food, because your insides are revolting. this has nothing to do with mothering, it is in our own interest.
> 
> The other issue will be why the husband does not care ?


I totally agree that it's not attractive. So if it's not attractive, then don't pretend like it is.

If you stop coming on to the guy and he asks what's up, then tell him.

"You know, I really have been getting turned off by X, Y, Z. I don't think you're necessarily doing it on purpose, but if you want to know why I'm not that interested lately, that's why."

Then he can make the decision as to whether it's worth it to correct.

Basically, keep it in the adult realm.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> I totally agree that it's not attractive. So if it's not attractive, then don't pretend like it is.
> 
> If you stop coming on to the guy and he asks what's up, then tell him.
> 
> ...


100 % Agreed. I love that phrase "adult realm"!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> 100 % Agreed. I love that phrase "adult realm"!


It's a place I like to visit once in a while. :grin2:


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## Avogadro (Mar 31, 2015)

Nynaeve said:


> I call big fat BS on this line here.
> 
> Not all men have disgusting manners. In fact, most don't. There's nothing in the Y chromosome that dictates men can't wipe their own mouths.
> 
> ...


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