# My husband's lack of a job



## turningpoints (Sep 20, 2009)

I have been married for three months. I am twenty four and my husband is thirty one. I have a master's degree, a good job, and am working on my second master's degree. I don't care that my husband doesn't have higher degrees...he's very smart. However, we recently relocated for my job in July after we got married and he has only applied for one job WHICH I TOLD HIM ABOUT. I even took the initiative of looking for jobs in his field and making a list for him....and he hasn't applied for ANY OF THEM!

If we had two incomes, I could have a little extra money to set aside, buy a new car, or pay off some debt. I feel like I have a son, not a husband, which is ironic since I am the younger one. I have tried reminders, choice statements, consequences (taking away his laptop, xbox). I really don't know what to do. He seems content in leeching off me, but he doesn't even clean or cook or shop. I still do it all. I feel like I would honestly be better off with another woman/man that is hard working or with just myself to support. It's getting to the point that I am regretting our marriage.

Help? I do love him, but this is seriously damaging our relationship.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is so wrong of him. Why is he being a parasite? I love my wife and would not have done this to her. The fact he is making no effort is really the most telling statement. 

He plans to do as little as he barely can in your marriage. 

Not to be a jerk - I am very smart. Being smart is not an occupation. I have had people pay me really well for working hard for them and applying my smarts for them. But not just for sitting and thinking like Buddha. 

He is likely a really fun and funny guy. What was he like before you married? He just sounds like an awful husband. 








turningpoints said:


> I have been married for three months. I am twenty four and my husband is thirty one. I have a master's degree, a good job, and am working on my second master's degree. I don't care that my husband doesn't have higher degrees...he's very smart. However, we recently relocated for my job in July after we got married and he has only applied for one job WHICH I TOLD HIM ABOUT. I even took the initiative of looking for jobs in his field and making a list for him....and he hasn't applied for ANY OF THEM!
> 
> If we had two incomes, I could have a little extra money to set aside, buy a new car, or pay off some debt. I feel like I have a son, not a husband, which is ironic since I am the younger one. I have tried reminders, choice statements, consequences (taking away his laptop, xbox). I really don't know what to do. He seems content in leeching off me, but he doesn't even clean or cook or shop. I still do it all. I feel like I would honestly be better off with another woman/man that is hard working or with just myself to support. It's getting to the point that I am regretting our marriage.
> 
> Help? I do love him, but this is seriously damaging our relationship.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

turningpoints said:


> If we had two incomes, I could have a little extra money to set aside, buy a new car, or pay off some debt. I feel like I have a son, not a husband, which is ironic since I am the younger one. I have tried reminders, choice statements, consequences (taking away his laptop, xbox). I really don't know what to do. He seems content in leeching off me, but he doesn't even clean or cook or shop. I still do it all. I feel like I would honestly be better off with another woman/man that is hard working or with just myself to support. It's getting to the point that I am regretting our marriage.
> 
> Help? I do love him, but this is seriously damaging our relationship.


It sounds like your income covers all the bills and then some, and that you're only needing an income from him for "extras". If that's the case, he's probably wondering why he needs to get a job (?). I don't have any advice for you, both my hubby and I work, and we do it to cover our bills so we both know we have to work. If his income would be for extras, I'm not sure what you could do to motivate him though. I would have a chat with him about the household chores at least, if he's not gonna work.


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## natkoz82 (Aug 8, 2009)

I hear you loud and clear! I have been married for four years and my husband has had the same problems with his job throughout our marriage. He works 3 days a week sometimes, or 2-4 hours a day! He has been saying he will get a better job but he has a problem as far as his citizenship goes. He blames his lack of being a citizen on not being able to get a good job, mind you he speaks perfect English but can't spell at all! I worry alot as well because I too am in school and soon I will be starting a full-time nursing program, while he hasn't even finished high school.
I regret getting married often and sometimes think I made a terrible mistake. He too does nothing around the house, only plays video games and hangs out with his buddies in the garage. Instead of helping me save he spends all of MY hard worked money on crap for his dirt bike or more video games. I really feel that I married a child not a man. You are definitely not alone and the lack of ambition in some people(my husband) is remarkable, the best part of it all is he actually wants me to get pregnant right now! He can barely provide for himself let alone two other people. I think both of our husband have issues with reality and responsibility. We are going to start couples counseling, I have alot of stuff I badly need to get off my chest. Best of luck to you, put your foot down while it's still fresh don't allow this behavior to go on for too long, trust me all you will feel is resentment and constant anger if you do. I wish I had in the beggining.


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## behappy (Oct 10, 2009)

turningpoints said:


> I feel like I have a son, not a husband, I have tried reminders, choice statements, consequences (taking away his laptop, xbox).


LOL :lol:
sounds like you are treating him like a son.

make him feel like a man, talk with him, create common goals that would require the second income.
if i didn't feel that my wage was a major contribution to the marriage, i probably wouldn't want a job either. 

i'd love it if my wife made enough money to support us. i'd still work though, it would just be something that i like vs running a business that i'm tired of because it pays well.


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## Ling (Nov 6, 2009)

I have almost the same situation and I am married for coming to 10 years now. I am getting a higher pay with a degree while he give up doing his diploma long before we were married. He was street smart too if he is willing to work hard But but. I'm not sure how I went through these years with all the ups and downs. He had been out of jobs and into having his own business, I'm not sure why I always give in to his buying habits and 4 years ago, I have no choice but to declare bankrupt to save my job and sanity!! Things gots better and he was doing well then and I got pregnant. It was not planned especially when my financial status is still not cleared. Things were fine until about 1.5 year ago that he quit his job again saying that it's too stress and there are some pushing factors which he cannot verbalize!! With that, he started his own biz again but I'm the one that is pumping in the $$ and working 7 days as I need to help him with his biz during weekends on top of taking care of my child!! He keeps complaining that he don't have time to do a lot of things to keep the biz going but what I can see is him spending time with friends having coffee, going to the garage, coming home late. I am really so tired and if not for my child who needs a father, I would have left him after all the chances that was given to him. By the way, he is very bad tempered as well and often shout at us when things did not goes well.
Why can't he understand that my income is not enough to cover for the expenses esp when we have a child at home!! What happen if my body can't take the tireness and stress anymore. I dread when my child fall sicks as that will means medical fee and I also have to think of childcare for her. 
It seems that it is too late for me as my child need father as well but I can't be living this kind of life forever. 
Why didn't I reacted earlier and now one more innocent life have to suffer together with me.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

First off, what I think you should do is get rid of all the video games like xbox etc.........
and if possible, lock up the computer during the day, hopefully you have a laptop where this is easy to do, and take it with you or lock it up in your home safe.
Start getting the daily newspaper and when you leave for work, take it all with you except for the want ads, which you can leave with him.
Make copies of his resume for him and get some envolopes and stamps, tell him to be sure to apply to at least 3 different places a week and keep all interview appointments.
Do not buy any food except the bare essentials. Give him a simple chore each day in the form of a list of 5 things to do around the house that day.
Think about putting in a webcam in your home so you can see what he's doing.
After a few months he will either have a job or leave you, problem will be solved either way.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Maybe you could suggest a trial separation. If you find that you dont mind him being gone then good for you. It may help him to be on his own for a while so that he can remember what it feels like to make accomplishments.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

1. I wouldn't have a HUGE problem with this if you came home to a clean house and dinner cooking/ready. Then he would simply be filling the "housewife" role. 

2. Because he's just sitting there and doing nothing but playing video games all day, he's a lazy bum.

Don't get me wrong, I love to play video games, but I go to work for 8-10 hours a day and come home to help my wife (who is a stay at home mom) with the kids and things around the house. 

I don't think taking things away like the XBox helps though, then you are treating him like a kid so he will continue to act like a kid.

Tell him he needs to figure it out for himself, a balance between playing games and working at a job, or you are gone. Then he will grow up fast or he won't. If he doesn't grow up fast you leave.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I have gone through this too. It is hard when you are the one bringing home the money to a dirty house, and a husband with a face glued to the computer. It has to do with boundaries. It sounds like you have tried some, but it probably needs to get more drastic. He has to decide. Things cannot continue like this...he will leech off of you forever. If he is depressed, he needs to get help, but that is still his responsibility. 

I liked the idea of a trial separation, or at least the verbalization of one...and if he still doesn't try to find a job (anything) than follow through with it. It hurts, but this behavior will just continue.


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## troubledwife (Mar 16, 2010)

Turning Points - I am in about the same situation, but I can't say that it's as severe as yours right now. We have been married for about 9 months now. My husband has a job currently, but he's miserable. He is verbally abused every day and made to give hourly reports to his supervisor on what he is doing. Like you, we can get by on just my income, but if something terrible were to happen (say to the house - really not much danger in losing my job or getting a pay cut), we won't have any savings to cover it...well, very little anyway as we just spent most of it on a much needed house project before his revalation of wanting to quit. We had discussed his staying in his position until he gets fired, so that for awhile he might be eligible for unemployment. And, I don't have a problem with him quitting his job for metal health reasons as long as he has a plan IN PLACE. He is currently working on becoming a volunteer fireman so for the next couple of months, he is at class 3 evenings a week. And, he has discussed going to the community college and getting a associate's degree in fire sciences or something similar. But, he has no plans in place to accomplish this. He hasn't talked to a counselor at the school or anything. Every once in awhile, he'll put in an application for a job somewhere, but never follows up or hears back. Understand the frustration. I was there at one point.

Here's the facet of the problem that is similar to your case. My husband can also spend hours upon hours a day playing video games. And, when he has a day off that is all he wants to do. Any time something needs to get done around the house, I have to ask him to do it, and then he complains because he never gets any time to himself. But, at the same time, I think where is my time to myself? Then he makes comments like, "I wasn't helping to clean because you were just making lunch." Not like I was making it just for myself!! So, where I am nervous is that if he does quit his job, is he just going to sit around the house all day and do nothing? In the past, he has done nothing to prove to me that when I am away at work he will pick up the slack around the house so why would he change now? And, I don't want to have to be the wife that has to tell him every little thing to do for the day. Why can't he think for himself and do it? I am his WIFE, not his MOTHER. And, as an adult, responsiblity should come first before fun.

At this point, it is just a fear of mine. I am going to have the conversation with him tonight, but I'm sure he'll get annoyed because he has to come home from class and hear me ***** about the situation again.


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