# Was my marriage a mistake?



## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

I met a man in 2010, married him in 2011, and we're about 6 months in. I'm starting to think we rushed into things because we loved the IDEA of being married - but maybe we shouldn't be married to each other. I do love him, but looking back, I realize I ignored several warning signals (or tried to ignore them) that are coming to the surface now. This is supposed to be a honeymoon phase; and it's far from it. 

The warning signals came from both of us; for me, I think I was on the rebound when I started dating my husband. I'd had a boyfriend of about a year who treated me very shabbily, meaning he was cheating with ex-girlfriends. A month later, I casually dated someone else, very briefly and it ended badly because he was crazy (for lack of a better explanation), then came my husband, about a month or so after the crazy guy. He moved in after about 5 months, and we were married within 14 months of dating.

As for him, I believe that he too, was overburdened by his past, and that he rushed into things with me. While using his laptop one day, I saw a letter to a woman, and it was dated just a few days before we started seeing one another. I know it was wrong to look at it, but I couldn't help it. In the letter, he was begging her for another chance. I know that this was before me, but the simple fact is that he was pining for her when he started dating me. There are other things, too, that he would say about another different woman from his recent past...anyways, to make a long story short, I feel like I can see clearly now, and I don't believe that he ever really wanted ME. This belief is compounded by the fact that we never have sex anymore, now that we're married, not that there was ever a whole lot of that to begin with. Another thing we ignored.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Airbus said:


> I'm starting to think we rushed into things because we loved the IDEA of being married.
> 
> ... I think I was on the rebound when I started dating my husband.
> 
> ... I don't believe that he ever really wanted ME. This belief is compounded by the fact that we never have sex anymore, now that we're married, not that there was ever a whole lot of that to begin with.


Yeah, it does sound like this was too much/too soon for both of you. JMO, but you don't believe he ever really wanted you ... maybe you never really wanted him either? You had two pretty bad relationships prior to your marriage, and it sounds like your husband was on the rebound too.

Only you can ultimately decide if your marriage was a mistake. If you believe it was, then I'd suggest you contact an attorney to look into divorce, or at least suggest to your husband that you separate.

On the other hand, if you think both of you can get rid of past emotional baggage from other relationships, maybe you can see if marriage is worth a shot. Living together like roommates wouldn't cut it for me in a marriage.

Do you two interact on a social level when at home? Do you go out together or with other couples?

If you are nothing more than two ships passing in the night, it's time to sit down and have the talk.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

It is so very confusing. I really really love my husband and I want this to work but I can't shake the feeling that I was option 2...or 3 or 4...get my meaning?

Maybe we both did rebound but the difference between us is that I ended up with negative feelings for my 2 most recent love interests, while my husband seemed to lament the fact that his relationships didn't work out the way he'd wanted. Not that we got into great detail together about our pasts, but I could tell that he was saddened by the end of the one with 'letter girl', and as for the other woman (she lives in another city) he would get this nostalgic look in his eyes when he spoke of her. Like he missed her! I'd run my 2 bozos over with the car if I ever saw them...(just joking!) but you know what I mean.

We don't exactly live like roommates. We get very close at bedtime, but there isn't a lot of sex. He is very reserved sexually actually (but he likes pornography), although we tell each other we love each other, and hug and kiss, hold hands etc. As for social things, yes, we do go out together. We don't have many couple friends - the ones we do have seem worse off than we are, in all actuality!


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## wizer (Feb 8, 2012)

If you have doubts now, it's not going to suddenly get better.

The whole marriage idea is archaic. It is completely over rated, outdated and has gotten to the point, with the majority of marriages failing and 2nd, 3rd, and subsequent marriages approaching failure rates upwards of 70%, that the entire concept is meaningless. 

So you liked the "idea" and rushed into it and you know it's a mistake, cut your losses and get the heck out of there. Maybe you can even get an annulment.

Next time just enjoy the relationship for what it is rather than signing a bunch of papers that tie you to a person you just might not feel the same way about a few months or several years down the road.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

That really helps, thanks.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If there were warning signs and avoided them your marriage probably was not a mistake that you are not your real question


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wizer said:


> If you have doubts now, it's not going to suddenly get better.
> 
> The whole marriage idea is archaic. It is completely over rated, outdated and has gotten to the point, with the majority of marriages failing and 2nd, 3rd, and subsequent marriages approaching failure rates upwards of 70%, that the entire concept is meaningless.
> 
> ...


The majority of marriages do not fail. It's about 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50% is not a majority. The percentages of failures are higher the younger a person is when they marry and for subsequent marriages.

But for people who marry in their late 20's and older, the percentage of divorces are much lower than 50%.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

the gifted said:


> If there were warning signs and avoided them your marriage probably was not a mistake that you are not your real question


...Pardon???...??? Are you a computer? HAve you been assssssimilated....??????LMAO!!!:rofl:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Airbus said:


> I met a man in 2010, married him in 2011, and we're about 6 months in. I'm starting to think we rushed into things because we loved the IDEA of being married - but maybe we shouldn't be married to each other. I do love him, but looking back, I realize I ignored several warning signals (or tried to ignore them) that are coming to the surface now. This is supposed to be a honeymoon phase; and it's far from it.
> 
> The warning signals came from both of us; for me, I think I was on the rebound when I started dating my husband. I'd had a boyfriend of about a year who treated me very shabbily, meaning he was cheating with ex-girlfriends. A month later, I casually dated someone else, very briefly and it ended badly because he was crazy (for lack of a better explanation), then came my husband, about a month or so after the crazy guy. He moved in after about 5 months, and we were married within 14 months of dating.
> 
> As for him, I believe that he too, was overburdened by his past, and that he rushed into things with me. While using his laptop one day, I saw a letter to a woman, and it was dated just a few days before we started seeing one another. I know it was wrong to look at it, but I couldn't help it. In the letter, he was begging her for another chance. I know that this was before me, but the simple fact is that he was pining for her when he started dating me. There are other things, too, that he would say about another different woman from his recent past...anyways, to make a long story short, I feel like I can see clearly now, and I don't believe that he ever really wanted ME. This belief is compounded by the fact that we never have sex anymore, now that we're married, not that there was ever a whole lot of that to begin with. Another thing we ignored.


Wow, does this ever sound familiar! Good luck!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

How frequently do you or have you talked about the past? Are you 100% sure that you are not misinterpreting or over exaggerating his thoughts? If you really think that he never really wanted you, I think you should talk to him about it. I have a feeling it might not be as bad as you think it is.

Other than the nostalgic look about the previous ladies in his life and lack of sex are there any issues major between the two if you, such as, possible cheating or attraction for someone in the present world, constant disagreement or resentment, control issues, lack of interest in other person, lack of trust, lying or hiding things from other person etc...


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