# Back pain No support



## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

Hey there, im on my back this very moment typing you all a letter concerning my issues with my husband. On friday after suffering with a bad back for 2 weeks, i went to the dr who gave me strong meds to take and was surprised to find out i was alone and drove myself to his clinic. I texted my husband after the event wondering if we could meet up cause i had to head to the Hospital for an xray the dr said i would be needing. He was late so I drove myself to the hospital.

I had the xray and went back home. 1/2 hour away. I took the meds last night, and today woke up to no husband, he showed up at 4pm. Our son was alone and uncared for all day. He is 15 years old and relies on me fully.

as of 2pm today i decided i cannot afford to have my son not cared for nor can i function on the meds without support cause they make me super sleepy. 

Im pissed off and cant even talk to my husband now for i know he wont support me taking the medicine in order to get better. He is more concerning about me doing for him and this pisses me off greatly. 

Any advice?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Is you teenager a special needs child?

Your husband needs to step up. If he won't then you should contact friends or family members who can offer you temporary support while you heal.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

we dont live near family, Im a bit of a recluse. :-( not alot of friends im afriad. 
my husband always tells me he is to busy and if i question him he gets upset and starts going on how busy he is. Im afraid I have no choice but to ignore the advice of the dr and carry on best i can.

No my son is not special needs, he is very smart and well cared for by me. My husband and he dont have the best relationship. they go their seperate ways most of times.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

thank you for responding, i was feeling a bit alone flicking back and forth between pages hoping someone would notice me. ty


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Your husband sounds pretty clueless, to say the least. He should have been much more responsive. I'm not sure whether the meds are going to help or inhibit your ability to let him know what you expected of him and how you feel. It would be interesting to hear how he reacts after your reality check with him.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

Thank you VLR. The meds are strong, thats why i decided not to take them, I cannot carry on normally, Basically I cant do this cause I am in sever pain. I cannot stand up straight due to the back pain and standing still causes pain down my leg. The decision to go to the dr was a wise one, having a husband like what I have is unfortunate. I cannot rely on him and when I question him we fight. I chose not to fight I am beginning to dislike him. 

I have in the past talked to him over and over about support but he refuses to help. I remember when my son was to be born, they rushed me to emergency outside the city i live in, they thought the baby was in trouble, My husband told me to go on without him ( like I had a choice) and good luck, I spent a week in hospital while he went golfing. 

Anyway thank you for your response, talking about this is helping me not be so angry with him.

Tomorrow when I awake ill be in pain but at least I am in control over my life and not mad and disappointed cause I asked him to help me.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

The reality check, he is downstairs now eating chips from the store, when I told him I had dropped the meds cause I lacked support he said he was busy, nothing more than that. No words of support, no encouragement to tell me to follow drs advice, just asked when my last one was an then walked away.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

I'm not sure being angry or not being angry is the most significant issue. It's always an option to say " I know he won't lift a finger to help me so I'll just figure out a way to soldier on..." ; however, not expressing it and not having some sort of boundaries with your husband - that's something to think about. It sounds like there is a lot more there. He didn't take you to the hospital when you were about to give birth because it threw off his tee-time?! 

You can't make him care and you can't make him step up, but you don't need to be silent or a victim.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

If your husband is like my father or my FIL good luck getting him to do anything for you when you are ill. They are both old school and expect their wives to still care for them no matter what.

I get the recluse thing (I'm kinda the same way) so I get it. Your son (unless special needs) is old enough to step up and take care of you and himself. My kids do it when I'm ill. They have to because my husband works long hours and isn't available all the time.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

your response brought me to tears, I guess your hitting the home plate. 
To be silent means less fighting and less time putting myself down by thinking "why did i just try to share that with him when he obviously doesnt give a ****." 

reality check if he was going to help he would have said something positive when I decided to not take the advice from the dr.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

dear Magnoliagal, 
I feel helpless when i let my son fend for himself. I guess you are right, he is 15 years old and he has to deal with this best he can. after all its not like I will have a bad back for life and its not like i am asking to much of him to care for himself. He is an A+ student, friendly, outgoing and strong. I just baby him alot cause i love him so much. I will have to let that go and I myself must step up and give him freedom to grow without me during my down time I guess.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Reality checks can be good though. It stops you from doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. You see now that he doesn't care now the question is what will you do with that information?


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

Manoliagal, I have no idea how to deal with that. Other than reevaluate my back situation and go back in my room, pop open the med bottle and take my medicine like the good dr told me to. its nice to have support from anyone out there in the world! thank you for taking time to talk/ write your thoughts down.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay so if you are still babying your 15 year old do you think that maybe just maybe that is where you husband got his sense of entitlement from? Do you do everything for your husband as well? Is this a pattern of yours to show love by doing? Are you a people pleaser?


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

I dont know. I am feeling attacked by your response. lol i dont know why? maybe im taking it wrong. giving love is not an issue for me helping others is not an issue. 

but maybe you are right maybe I do give alot and do alot and should let stop? idk 


Im so confused now


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sorry I'm not trying to attack. Pay me no mind I know I can be blunt and abrasive. I think your post hit too close to home because I watched my father do the same crap to my mother and it angers me to hear it being done to another woman. My mother even had back problems too and my dad was a total jerk. If I lived nearby I'd come and take care of you.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

ok so confronting him just brought on a fight. 
He asked what I was doing and asked if i wanted to go drinking with him, as in rum and coke. I passed and said i would rather be here talking things out. He asked what I was doing and then said I was making **** up and I should tell you all he came in at noon and made us all lunch. So there ya go I said it he made lunch. 
tomorrow is his birthday and part of the reason i wanted to stop taking the meds was to give a a good birthday dispite the pain in my back,, 

seems he can twist my mind, one minute its the fact he wont help and is not a support and I feel helpless the next minute Im in an argument with him and he telling me off. WTF?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sweetie confronting rarely works if it did none of us would be on this board. I wish we could just tell our spouses what we needed and they just up and say fabulous why didn't you tell me let me get right on that. Sigh it never works that way. Sucks doesn't it?


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

thank you for sharing with me Magnoliagal,
I know things are not right here, I always find myself taking a big breath of air. Wondering to myself WHO fights with sick people???

My husband that is who. 

Ill go back on my meds he will have to work through his own emotions himself. Not my fault I have a bad back. the dr wants to help me Then Ill take his advice.

As for my husband being his way, I am at a loss for words. I know I would not treat someone the way he treats me.

Thanks for the offer of coming over to my house. It made me smile. Thank you


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

LOL very much agree with your last reply. If only men had a little more love to give to the world ,,,


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm sorry you are in pain right now.

I really think you need to tell your son and your husband that you are taking your meds and heading for bed and how long the doc said you needed to recoup. Tell them that they can figure out their own meals for x days. If your son needs rides for school that your husband cannot provide have him call a friend for rides. Show them how to run the dishwasher and washing machine so if they needs stuff cleaned they can do it themselves.

Your health is the top priority right now. You cannot put off healing. I know too many people who have wrecked their long term health by deprioritizing themselves.

You are important! (((hug)))


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sadly lots of people fight with sick people. Recently I've discovered passive aggressive men do. They like to kick you when you are down. Destructive narcississts (my dad) will do it too. Or some people are just mean.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm going to concentrate on your back pains. Your H sounds like a real tool.

What exactly is your back problem?

I have had a chronic back pain issue with my lower back since 1994. At times it has been agonizing for months at a time.

In 2008 I finally went and got assessed by an orthopedist.

I'd had a burst disk all those years ago when lifting something. And my disks shifted a bit and put pressure on a nerve. Sciatica and back pain big time for years.

I had a cortizone shot treatment at that time in my lower back and at first it did not seem to help. But after about a month? I could finally stand without horrible sciatica shooting down my leg and my lower back hurting.

I still have back pain, but it is as a much lower level of intensity since the treatment.

Look into the right treatment for you. If your H won't help you, maybe looking into losing the pain in the a$$ too.


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

Thank you Notaname, 
Your words are wise. After sharing with those on this web page I feel more empowered to do for myself what I should be doing and that is following the advice of the Dr. Yes I will have to put faith in them. And wish them the best til I get back on my feet. Only after I get better will I focus on my husbands behavior towards me during my time of need. 

Thank you all for your advice! hugs back to you all!


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## zaddin (May 21, 2011)

thank you Michzz for your thoughtful words.

My back pain goes into the left leg, presently it disrupts my sleep and standing will cause more pain. Hence the trip to the Dr. and the meds and xrays. Ill find out more on the back issue when the lab gets the results to the dr in about 3 weeks. Until then I was suppose to take the meds until we met again. even if i got dizzy from the meds. 

I thought the Dr. advice was fine. til I came home and shared the news. Day one was yesterday day two today went bad. but after speaking to everyone here I am going back on the meds, finishing what the Dr wants me to do and I trust he knows what he is doing. 

In the mean time I will take the advice of others on this page and tell the family to step up Im out of commission for several weeks. 

Thanks all!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do I feel I'm missing part of the background? Is there a long history of this kind of thing? How long has your back been a problem and have you been laid up before.


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