# How do I approach this?



## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Hey all,

Looking for advice on how to approach something with my STBXW.

A little back story my STBXW and I were working on our marriage through last Christmas until I found out she was on a dating site and had been talking to her current boyfriend. 

I got my own place and we split 50/50 with our kids. On fridays my mom watches our kids at my place. So today I get a call from my mom and I couldn't believe what she told me. My STBXW decided it would be alright for her and the OM to come pick up my kids at my place (because I wasn't there) and they were going to dinner and a movie. The movie theater is half way between our houses, which would have been an extra 15 mins for her to drive to go back to her house and pick up OM and get to the theater. When my daughter found out, she went livid and called her mom screaming at her. 

Now here is where I need imput on how to proceed. First the OM is not welcome to be at my house and second my daughter (who is 8) was really hurt and upset that her mom was doing this. How do I bring this up without my STBXW thinking that my mom or I had something to do with how my daughter reacted?

Thanks in advance for any help.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Set your boundaries. OM doesn't come to your house. Ever. End of discussion. 

As far as your kid goes, you listen to her input. If she's upset, you calmly let your wife know the child was upset about what happened. You don't have a solution for it, but are relaying information. Unfortunately you cannot control your X's behaviour. You cannot control outcomes or shape they way people react or feel. They own it. You relay facts. 

You can document a discussion with her with regards to the kid's feelings and come up with a joint solution in order to minimize negative impacts.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Boundaries are so very important. You don't need to be PC. Let your boundaries be known.

If you don't set the boundaries, the STBXW will be blaming you for how your kids feel and expecting you to fix it.

Don't fall into that trap. She owns her relationships with your kids.

Stretch


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yuck.
I would include as a boundary, that neither parent remove the child from the other parent's house without prior notice to the resident parent. Your time is your time.


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