# I don't understand my husband???



## joanne32 (Sep 16, 2012)

I really need a guys opinion please. I seem to be misinterpreting my husband's messages when it come to intimacy.

He will be affectionate throughout the day (which leads me to believe that we will have intimacy later on, but when we go to bed, he says that he's tired and needs some sleep.

This has happened quite a bit. Even when i've modeled lingerie in the morning to get things going. He'll give me a few leading comments throughout the day and then at night he says he's tired, which really shocks me. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal because he cant help being tired. I am the one who has wanted more sex in our marriage and generally the one to initiate. 

The other night we had the house to ourselves, kids were out. During the day I was assuming that we would be intimate that evening. We were affectionate during the day. But when he got to bed he said he was tired, goodnight. But then while we were cuddling he gets an E and decides he'd like to have sex. He says he really doesn't know how he's going to feel until he gets to bed? Weather he'll be tired or not?? I'm really confused about this, because it makes me feel so undesirable and rejected. I feel like I have to wait to see how he feel at that moment. He says he finds me attractive, and he always enjoys sex and would never turn me down. But I'm so tired of initiating and being the romantic one.

I really thought that sex was on a guys mind more than it obviously is? Or is my husband not just that into me?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

How many kids, how old are they? How much sleep does he get? Does he fall asleep on the couch before going to bed, does he physically go to bed when he's walking asleep?

Can you go to bed earlier, even 30 minutes? Before he's in sleep mode? 

What about getting up earlier? Is he a morning guy??


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## joanne32 (Sep 16, 2012)

Our kids are around 21 and hardly ever home. We married early and are still in our early 40's.

No he doesn't fall asleep on the couch. He's still quite chatty. He used to stay up really late for years watching a late movie till after midnight and then put in a full days work the next day. I've suggested going to bed early, he says that's a good idea but never acts on it. How do i motivate him to be more interested?? I don't think mornings would work, he gets up and goes straight to work. He seems to get a good amount of sleep. Actually he doesn't need as much sleep as I do to function during the day.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the late night TV is definitely a killer. It sounds like he's established a pattern whereby he watches TV until he's ready to nod off. When he comes to bed he's ready for sleep.

I think you have to convince him it's in his interest to come to bed earlier.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

it is possible that he lost interest in you or he masturbates more)). So at this point, it is difficult to have sex.... Some families have this type of problems. Might be this isn't your problem.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

When I was younger I could always go for it late at night, but not so much now. If I go to be it is to sleep as I am tired. I would suggest finding other times if possible or as Deejov and MaritimeGuy say, go to bed earlier when you both have energy and touch him.

I agree to with Shenox, masturbation can make it seem illogical from the women's perspective, as he may not feel like it if he has been at it already and he may not want to admit that to you either.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I had to guess, I'd say he's experiencing occasional erectile problems. His mind wants to have sex but he's unsure of his body's ability. Notice that he was "tired" but once he got an erection, he was ready to go. He said he really doesn't know how he'll feel until he gets in bed. I think he might mean he really doesn't know if his body will cooperate until he gets in bed. He can be all flirty and affectionate in the day when he's not expected to perform sexually in the next few minutes. He's in his 40s?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is total speculation, based on my own experiences. If I'm affectionate during the day, enough that you notice and "think" it will lead to sex....then the fact is that I probably want sex right then. And since you're not responsive "right then", I'll probably feel like I was rejected, at least a little and it could make me feel "not in the mood" later.

You model lingerie in the morning and then leave him hanging until night? Ya, that's a prescription for resentment for me.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is total speculation, based on my own experiences. If I'm affectionate during the day, enough that you notice and "think" it will lead to sex....then the fact is that I probably want sex right then. And since you're not responsive "right then", I'll probably feel like I was rejected, at least a little and it could make me feel "not in the mood" later.
> 
> You model lingerie in the morning and then leave him hanging until night? Ya, that's a prescription for resentment for me.


:iagree:

If I am affectionate during the day, I am in the mood. If you are interested, flirt with me to let me know now may not be a good time, but later you will be hot and ready. A lack of a response on your part does not encourage me to want to be "in the mood" later. My wife will do this and it is very discouraging.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Suggestion mentioned before...

If you get int bed and he's not in the mood, tell him you're going to take care of yourself and ask if you can hold his penis while you do. He may change his mind after a few minutes.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Maybe Husband has the start of ED issues, and might explain why he says he doesn't know if he wants sex until he gets in bed. I suspect it's more then being tired that is causing this issue. Nothing to be ashamed about...one little pill will get him hard as a diamond, and he can run around the bathroom and crack granite all night long...takes 15-45 minutes to work. If this is the cause and he takes the pill, he will be 17 again, and you might be sorry you complained!! LOL


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

joanne32 said:


> I really need a guys opinion please. I seem to be misinterpreting my husband's messages when it come to intimacy.
> 
> He will be affectionate throughout the day (which leads me to believe that we will have intimacy later on, but when we go to bed, he says that he's tired and needs some sleep.
> 
> ...


Although I think this is 100% emotional, it's always a good policy to start with a physical exam. That said, I think your h has some kind of emotional block that kicks in when the time comes to get down to business. Sleep is his form of escape. (Irrational) fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, extreme performance anxiety, being abused as a child, being taught that sex is bad as a child, any of these things could fit. You are the least likely cause.

Ask him more about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, his parents relationship with each other, this is where the answer lies


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm not a guy but can I chirp in and say that I agree when ED starts there is denial - big time.

I suggested on another sort of related thread the possibility of trying to increase testosterone levels by natural methods (exercise/diet - see link below). Depending on your mindset, you might want to consider this before going for pills. 

Natural ways to increase testosterone levels with exercise and diet


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## joanne32 (Sep 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your replies. He does come from a family that does not communicate there feelings or initiate anything really. I've spent the last 20 years organizing THERE family get togethers. 

So therefore I'm the one to initiate in our marriage, weather it's going out for our anniversary, confronting issues between us, or me wanting more sex. After several discussions with him about his need to communicate with me instead of internalizing everything, he did agree that he has to learn to communicate better. He said a few years ago that he would by a book on the subject, but I'm still waiting for that to happen. I sometimes think that I've done too much to keep things going, and he's fallen into a comfortable state.

We have had a lot of issues in the past, but I cant throw away 20 something years of marriage. I love him too much. But I do feel like I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes. Things have improved this year and we both have recognized that we need to work on things. We seem to be getting closer and then we have a miscommunication about something, generally sex and then we go backwards. 

It's me that seems to misinterpret his signals. I feel that I do respond to him when he is affectionate during the day. ( some of you mentioned having sex during the day, it's not really an option most of the time because the kids are home). But from what you've all said, I may need to be a lot more clear. I just find it really frustrating that he'll imply and not follow through sometimes, especially when we've had a great day of flirting and affection. He doesn't seem to find anything wrong with that. I always take it as rejection. He would not turn me down if I initiated ( he always enjoys our love making, he even used to say to wake him at 3 in the morning if I felt like it), but man I am so tired of initiating! I would love so much to feel desired by my husband! It just makes me feel so sad sometimes. 

Thanks thecrunch for the link, I'm definately going to look at our diet and see if I can sneak in some of the foods mentioned


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