# Husband almost never "WOWed"



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi all,

Here's a weird question... does anyone have a spouse that is not very expressive? My husband is a really even-keeled guy. I recognize that every personality trait has a good and a bad side, and the fact that he is not particularly emotional makes him grounded and reliable - he is my rock. 

However, once and a while, I just want to WOW him, you know? Knock his socks off. And even though I should know after 13 years that it's just not in his nature, I still TRY... to no avail.

For example, about 6 months ago, we attended a fundraiser together. I really kicked it up a notch - hair, makeup, and a killer dress. I felt confident. He saw me, smiled, said hi... and that was it. No "you look great" or anything like that. I was pretty disappointed. Yet, sometimes, I'll be hanging around at home in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'll get "you're so beautiful, baby." Um... what? Thanks?

So, does anyone else have a spouse like this? If so, have you ever been able to finally get the reaction you were looking for?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Here's a weird question... does anyone have a spouse that is not very expressive? My husband is a really even-keeled guy. I recognize that every personality trait has a good and a bad side, and the fact that he is not particularly emotional makes him grounded and reliable - he is my rock.
> 
> ...


Can you talk to him about issues between you without either one of you becoming upset? If so, sit him down and basically hand him a copy of your post above.

Not everyone reacts to WOW! Some of us have had to learn when it is expected and to do a decent job of it. It isn't hard, but left as an uncured problem it can fester and I suspect you don't want that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'll bet he's an INTJ personality type. They're often this way. That's not to say he's unappreciative or doesn't notice, of course - he may be acutely aware, but assumes you know what he feels (he may have told you once before, so it doesn't need repeating!). Fortunately for me (and my wife), I'm more expressive (or have learned to be at the appropriate time!).


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh I bet you have wowed him a time or two, he just doesn't show it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I don't have advice but wanted to let you know my husband is the same way. I've been all dressed up too and no reaction from him. I lost about 30 pounds, I got more compliments from other people than him. He's just not expressive and I don't know what he's thinking most of the time. I'm assuming he's happy because I don't hear any complaints.


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## bilbo99 (Feb 16, 2011)

I don't think you know the meaning of beauty. Cosmetics and fancy dresses are just fake packaging. He tells you you are beautiful in jeans and a sweatshirt, this is the true test and the true measure that he really thinks you are beautiful. 

Some of us are just not that shallow.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lol, yeah, Dh doesn't get excited. That's just him. He's so bad at compliments as well that about the best I could expect from him when I'm all dressed up etc is "I'd do ya".

I'm not one to beat my head against a rock, that's just a good way to hurt my head, so I take his comment as his glowing praise, and I figure it's better than no response at all, lol.

He's an ESTJ apparently, so I'm not sure if personality type has a lot to do with it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'll bet he's an INTJ personality type. They're often this way. That's not to say he's unappreciative or doesn't notice, of course - he may be acutely aware, but assumes you know what he feels (he may have told you once before, so it doesn't need repeating!). Fortunately for me (and my wife), I'm more expressive (or have learned to be at the appropriate time!).


Interesting you'd say that, because that's me and I am this type of spouse. I do get excited, I'm just a low key even keeled nerd. Absolutely doesn't mean I'm not really happy or exited......my husband is more inclined to get excited and he'd probably like it if I was more like that, but he has come to be able to tell when I am really happy. Of course on the flip side of this is that I'm also really low drama, and I have nerves of steel that keep everyone else calm during high tension times. Like when he's trying to fix something and it doesn't go well, he'll get really agitated and upset, and I'll step in and calm him. Then either I fix it or he calms down and fixes it. Later he'll tell me how much he appreciated it. I would add that even though I don't get outwardly excited I'm one of the most empathic, sensitive people I know. OP, maybe your husband is like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Perhaps he as an 'at work' level approach to married life. 

Don't go above and beyond too often or your manager (wife) will start expecting you to perform to that level all the time and what rational minded person would want to deliberately put themself in that sort of high pressure high demand work load situation day after day on purpose? !


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hey is this post about me? Just kidding since I no longer have a wife, but can relate because I was that husband and am that man. 

First off as bilbo99 said sometimes when a woman gets all dressed up and adds all the makeup she is actually detracting from her true beauty, my ex would do that and then get mad when I didn't do cart wheels and compliment her. Sometimes I just wanted to take hose to her and wash all that crap off so I could see the woman I loved.

As that guy I could tell you how and why I am not a WOW person but I am not your husband, his evolution may be a bit different. But please do not PUSH your husband thinking he will act differently, he will just shut down, people like us do not like others forcing our emotions, you will just make us resentful. How about instead of dressing how you think you look best ask your husband to help you, tell him you want to look your best for him. See what outfit he likes you in, see how he likes your hair, see how much or how little make up he would like to see, have him apply his favorite perfume to you. And don't belittle his choices, make it into sexy play and go with his suggestions, you need to figure out what he likes. This approach is a huge turn on for guys like me, heck you may not even make it out of the bedroom! 

Having an introverted personality can also be an issue, as introverts we don't draw energy from other people, we recharge by finding quiet time. But because we don't draw energy from others we also don't like to give our energy to others, it's to draining for us to try and charge up others with over the top compliments or actions. 

Anyway.....still waters run deep, you said he is your rock, love him for how he is.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I couldn't have said it any better myself. :iagree:

My wife and I are polar opposites on these sort of issues. Like you I draw my power from within during quiet times by myself. 

My wife wants to get her power from others and I simply do not have the emotional range or capacity to work that way. I hate when others want me to be their recharger. I don't work that way and never have.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

FoodFrenzy,

I know what you meant.

The other day i bought a short shorts and wore it when he's home. I'd love it if he expressed desire and admiration seeing me sexy. Which wife wouldn't want to be desired by her husband, right?

Well, my husband complained that he didn't like the pattern of the shorts.

That night, i ASKED him, "am i not sexy wearing shorts?"
Immediately he said yes, and started fingering me.


Now i rather ask him to give compliments, hugs and helps around the house, rather than sitting and waiting and then got disappointed. 

If a man loves you, he will love you...even if you have to ask for love tokens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My ex was like your husband OP, it was very disheartening when other men would notice me but not my own husband.

My partner is the opposite and I adore the way he looks at me and what he says. Everyday I am told how beautiful and sexy I am. Sometimes a rush will just come over him and he will hold my face close to his and tell me how beautiful I am.
He notices when I get dressed up and always compliments me. He is genuine, loving and romantic. It feels like I am living in a different world to the one I used to live in and it is pure bliss.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> *I'll bet he's an INTJ personality type*. They're often this way. That's not to say he's unappreciative or doesn't notice, of course - he may be acutely aware, but assumes you know what he feels (he may have told you once before, so it doesn't need repeating!). Fortunately for me (and my wife), I'm more expressive (or have learned to be at the appropriate time!).


A lot of truth to this! THis article spells that out ...

INTJ personality and emotions | 16 Personality Types

Some of the article..



> One of the most significant sticking points is the INTJs’ handling of emotions. Most INTJ personalities pride themselves in remaining rational and logical at all times, seeing most emotional displays as a sign of weakness and irrationality. As people with this personality type also tend to be very honest and straightforward, it is no surprise that they are often seen as insensitive. Some INTJs may go even further, claiming that they have no feelings or emotions at all, and that anyone who does is weak and irrational.
> 
> INTJs and emotionsIronically, INTJs can be just as emotional, if not more so, than any other personality type. Everything depends on how we define and handle emotions – for instance, there is a world of difference between breaking down in public and simply being thoughtful or amused. For most INTJs, public displays of emotion are outside of their comfort zone and consequently they will do their best to restrain themselves. However, this does not mean that INTJs have no feelings – rather, they tend to be good at channeling their emotions and using logic to keep them in check.
> 
> ...


Some Tests to pin point which of the 16 types he falls into...

*1.* Jung Typology Test  (relatively short & thorough -gives you a breakdown at the end)

*2. *  The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test  (more serious test)

or 

*3.* ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test (test with some HUMOR at the end ... but still accurate )... Can skip joining the site at the end & just get results....


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## OptimusPrime (Feb 11, 2014)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Here's a weird question... does anyone have a spouse that is not very expressive? My husband is a really even-keeled guy. I recognize that every personality trait has a good and a bad side, and the fact that he is not particularly emotional makes him grounded and reliable - he is my rock.
> 
> ...


Well the fact that he expresses some of that "wow" you are looking for at least sometimes is a good sign at least. So in answering your question, yes...my spouse is exactly like that. Being expressive in any sort of affectionate way seems to be impossible for her. I've ridden the ebbs and flows of that for so many years. Every great once in awhile she'd show glimmers of hope having that, then within 48 hours POOF, right back to the usual. I've pretty much just come to grips with the fact that she's just not capable/comfortable being expressive that way. Hence the conundrum of trying to be understanding of who someone is and not expect more versus being happy. 

So in your case.....I'd sit home and wear jeans a lot more


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Here's a weird question... does anyone have a spouse that is not very expressive? My husband is a really even-keeled guy. I recognize that every personality trait has a good and a bad side, and the fact that he is not particularly emotional makes him grounded and reliable - he is my rock.
> 
> ...


I'm a guy and will say, if he wasn't expressing himself to you at all, i could see that as a problem, but if he is saying you are beautiful in jeans and a sweatshirt, what's wrong with that? 

I think some men and women just see this so differently. I never really understood the "make-up" thing. I went to work on a day off last year, and a woman who works there also dropped by. She was dressed down and with no make-up, which I didn't notice. The next day, she talked as though she was embarrassed that I saw her with no make-up. I told her I honestly didn't even notice, and of course, she seemed puzzled. She probably thought i was lying just to make her feel good.

So, maybe you are wowing him when you are more casual.


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## Nemo9nemo (Aug 16, 2013)

Op, if I say my HB is worse that's not over exaggerating . I've to dress up REALLY nice & ask him if I look good b4 he squeezed out " yeah". He may have more negative than good, I.e, that dress is kinda short, the color is xxx, your bum xxxx...

All the woman in earth loves compliments, loves being desired, if my HB say I'm sexy and fingering me, boy, he will get treated real nice.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I know of a Husband who never gives his wife compliments at all.... she is a great cook and I've asked if her husband gives her lost of praise... as he is blessed with her cooking skills, has the belly to show for it too......

She answered "NEVER"...then went on to say how she will never forget his 1st... it was 19 yrs into their marriage (can you imagine!)... she had a black dress on... and she almost fell over... my mouth was on the floor hearing this story (I related this in my Love languages thread before).... I looked at her and said... "I can tell you one thing... *Words of affirmation* is not very important to you or you'd want to strangle that man!"... 

And it's true, for him..and really for her.. Both of their top Love languages was "*Acts of Service*" and "*GIFTS*"... I know them well enough to say these things, seen enough of their interactions being in their home... they are older now... 70's... and have had a happy marriage... 

Me & my husband are utterly opposite from these 2... with Gifts and Acts of service on our bottom...we'd both be bored in a marriage like that... and they'd probably feel smothered in one like ours... too much *Time* and *Touch* , cuddling...they'd want to throw one of us out... 

It helps to be on the same page.. or ...at the very least...to come half way to meet each other.. when we open up and express how we feel LOVED....

Not all men care for make up & getting all dolled out..... mine feels I look just as good without it.... personally I think that's crazy... I am still using it ! 

It's something you can bring up to him...ask a few questions... you could be high on the "*Words of Affirmation*" bar...and feel this lacking on his end....just not something that comes as naturally for him.... and he is unaware how it is affecting you.

It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't feel it..it's just that some are not geared expressive.. feeling we just "outta know"... , ..it does kinda suck though.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'll bet he's an INTJ personality type. They're often this way. That's not to say he's unappreciative or doesn't notice, of course - he may be acutely aware, but assumes you know what he feels (he may have told you once before, so it doesn't need repeating!). Fortunately for me (and my wife), I'm more expressive (or have learned to be at the appropriate time!).


Hahaha, I laughed as soon as I saw this. Yes, he most certainly is an INTJ


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. We have done the 5 Love Languages, and I know that Words of Affirmation are very high for me and not at all for him, so I know that is where part of this is stemming. But, it's more than just words... it's passion. It's excitement! It's emotional intimacy! I have been with my husband for 13 years and the man has never cried. Ever. Sometimes I want to just crawl inside his head and his heart so that I can feel what he's feeling and experience what he's thinking because, many times, it's really hard to tell. Believe me, I know that still waters run deep in him... I know, deep down, way down inside he is VERY emotional... I just want to be a part of it more.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You sure you're not married to my husband???


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

In truth I thank most people say / acted "WOWed" a lot more often than they actually feel "WOWed".

There seems to be a trend for people to express extreme emotional reactions to even mundane events.

ROFL, LOL, PMSL might all just be text acronyms but I think they are a symptom of this. All the time I hear people say things like “the food was fantastic”, “the special effects were un believable”, “she looked a million dollars”. It is all at best an exaggeration if not outright “garbage”.

Perhaps your husband is just more honest than those you compare him with.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Thanks for the feedback. We have done the 5 Love Languages, and I know that Words of Affirmation are very high for me and not at all for him, so I know that is where part of this is stemming. But, it's more than just words... it's passion. It's excitement! It's emotional intimacy! I have been with my husband for 13 years and the man has never cried. Ever. Sometimes I want to just crawl inside his head and his heart so that I can feel what he's feeling and experience what he's thinking because, many times, it's really hard to tell. Believe me, I know that still waters run deep in him... I know, deep down, way down inside he is VERY emotional... I just want to be a part of it more.


My husband would break down and lose his sh*t if I walked away from our marriage. But he can't look me in the eyes and tell me I'm beautiful or that he needs me or really anything intimate at all. He can say those things to me all day long via email/text/and with a sideways glance. 
He rarely gets excited about anything and is always on an even keel unless it's something really bad or really amazing. 

Personally,I feel people are like this bc they were never shown how to express themselves growing up or it was made to be a weakness.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I could write exactly what FoodFrenzy and Scarlet wrote. Like I said on the first page, I don't know what my husband is thinking most of the time. Is he happy, miserable, just meh?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I could write exactly what FoodFrenzy and Scarlet wrote. Like I said on the first page, I don't know what my husband is thinking most of the time. Is he happy, miserable, just meh?


Like many men I have a "Professional Smile" that I wear to work every day and it has become my default expression so if someone wants to know how I feel or what I am thinking about they would have to take the trouble to ASK ME.

IMHO most men do not "wear the heart on their sleeve".


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Like many men I have a "Professional Smile" that I wear to work every day and it has become my default expression so if someone wants to know how I feel or what I am thinking about they would have to take the trouble to ASK ME.
> 
> *IMHO most men do not "wear the heart on their sleeve"*.


Which is a great shame. What is wrong with letting your spouse know how you feel.

My partner has a very high EQ, he is very emotionally expressive, I know exactly what he thinks of me, how much he wants me and what our relationship means to him.
He is also in a very high level management position in a large Multi National so he puts on a professional face in the work place. 

Like I said earlier my ex was like the OP's husband and that type of man seems very unevolved to me now, having a much high bar to measure against.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife is like that, to a T! I've learned to deal with it over the years, but at first it was quite disconcerting. Once I/we figured out that that's just her personality, we've each made some concessions in that regard. We've talked about it over the years, and I've learned to realize that it does not mean she isn't appreciative or caring, and I've also learned to recognize when she is feeling like that, that it just not as obvious as other people.

She's not depressed, though this was one of the first things that went through my head. The signs all pointed to that - not being overly excited or upset about anything, for example. Always at a constant, with little variance. She doesn't let too many things really bother her, and conversely, she doesn't let too many things really excite her. She's content to just be content, and once you learn how to live with somebody like that, it's actually not a bad thing.

For one, she's not high maintenance. I don't have to be constantly proving my love for her.

And two, she's not impressed by material things, or money, or jobs, etc. My ex wife was, and I ended up losing to her to somebody who had "more" than I did.

My wife is more concerned about how I am as a person, and I think that's a constant with people of this personality type. They're much more grounded and recognize what is actually important in life.

However it did take me a while to get to terms with the lack of compliments etc. Even we men require assurance from time to time  Especially when it comes to things like sex... lol. It took several years for her to give me any sort of indication that I rocked her world in that regard, and she's only recently (like in the last year or two) been able to verbalize that I've made her knees week in bed. She's let me know that anybody she considered a "9" or a "10" in bed previous to me, is now relegated to a 3 or a 4 in comparison, because she didn't know it could be better.

I believe that this is a subconscious decision that people with this personality have - they don't want to build their partner up TOO much, for fear that they will walk all over them. I tend to agree with this statement, as I can say I did exactly that to my ex wife. At one point, my ex and I were great together. But I think I went overboard telling her how awesome she was (and treating her thusly) that it went to her head. Seriously. It became quite one-sided eventually, until she believed (and it was more or less true) that she could do no wrong in my eyes. She kept pushing the envelope, and I never said **** to her. Even when she finally left me for OM, she acted as though I still needed her, and treated me thusly. I finally snapped one day and told her exactly what I thought of her, and that was that. But she treated me as her lapdog even months after she left. She figured she could still use me in some capacity even though we were no longer together. And she tried.

However, I will say that I/we discovered that she's likely this way more as a defense mechanism than a "born with it" personality trait. She (and people like her) tend to have been hurt previously, and the normal defense is to put up a bit of a guard. As in, not get too invested emotionally. They tend to still FEEL that way, they just don't act it out, as it makes it easier to let go if/when it ends, and move on. She had a longish relationship in her late teens/early 20's, and I suspect she probably got heavily invested in him, but it went to ****. I'm only speculating here, but all signs point to that. Once they broke up, she didn't have a serious relationship with anybody for a good 7 or 8 years, so it appears that she was really hurt by that one. When she invested herself in her next one (late 20's, early 30's), he ended up being a bit of an a-hole, and she stayed single for almost a year until I came along. Nothing even casual or reboundy. So I think she was scared off by investing herself any more than she had to.

She's making progress, but she's just fine the way she is!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Holland,

I know that I am not the most expressive of men, for me it came from having problems / issues with controlling negative emotions / anger as a teen / young adult (and on very rare occasions still).

The need to keep a tight rein on my emotions caused me to what my wife says is a "think skin". As I have become more confident in myself and our relationship I now know that routinely letting my wife know how I am feeling is important so I do talk to her about it. 

That does not change the need I fell to maintain a strong facade.


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