# Husband telling me how to handle issues at work...



## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

I have a problem and need some advice on how to handle it.

Just a brief explanation of my situation...I've been married to my H for 13 years, I met him when I was 15...high school sweethearts, and he's the love of my life. We've had a rough time for the last 3 years, we've both been dishonest to one another and have caused a lot of pain. Through h*ll and back really, is the only way to put it. We've made a lot of progress, but recently things keep coming up and the trust between us is pretty fragile, as our hearts. I can't imagine living without him, even even after all the suffering. Last year we both became unemployed in the same month, our finances are poor right now and we're trying to dig out of a rather large hole. I have a new job, one that I believe will return a promising future and provide the right career path for me, finally! I like the people I work with, but they are all men since it's a manufacturing environment. I hold a professional position (corporate-like) but I deal with all sorts of folks daily. I like being part of the team there, as a woman I feel like I am at sort of a disadvantage being the youngest and newest team member, coming in to help the company make steps in the right direction. I have a good sense of humor, and don't really get offended by office banter. 

Well, my husband looked through my work emails over the weekend and found one from a coworker, a forwarded email quoting a well-known comedian with a sexual inuendo. I didn't reply to it, I just thought it was funny. But it infuriated him so much that what started out as a calm Q&A, became a huge fight within minutes. Now, he wants me to reply to this email stating that I don't approve of such emails from him and it made me uncomfortable, copying him as well. 

If I don't do it, my husband will be furious with me, and if I do then it will create an akward place for me at work. There's absolutely no chemistry between myself and this coworker.....but it made my husband upset. I would rather handle it on my own terms in my own way, and I think that my husband is trying to control this too much. He was always hit on by other women at work but there wasn't anything I could ever do about it....

Any advice?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would just say, "Please don't email me through work email unless it pertains to work."

I've had to do it here...not because I'm scared of my husband seeing, but I wouldn't want downtown corp to see it!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

First of all, kudos on the transparency in your life with hubby. That's the best way to build trust back.
Normally, this email thing probably wouldn't be a problem, but since you two have had problems, then everything becomes more than it really is.
I agree with that_girl. There is never any problem when a work colleague demands that all emails, texts, etc be strictly professional and only work related. I have had to do it just to keep the spam out of my inbox.
Reply with a "Thanks. That was humorous, but I would appreciate it it correspondence between us was kept on a strictly professional level."
And then I would tell Hubby, "I am allowing complete transparency here, but you have to let me handle my work the way I see fit. I don't need your professional advice."


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

Thank you for the feedback so far. It's a difficult situation and if he hadn't exercised control issues before then I would really agree to it sooner. The thing is, if I send this email back to keep it stirctly professional, I know the word would get around and I'd be "black-listed"...this isn't who I really am and I want to be myself at work. I want to build a strong relaitonship with my coworkers, we work hard around the office and sometimes it's okay to just exchange jokes and have a good laugh. I am respected, and seen as one of them. I think that if I reply then it'll certainly jeapordize what I have, this is not the professional suit-and-tie environment...not syaing that I'm trying to build a culture that opens the door to harrassment, but I'd like a somewhat relaxed culture. A lot of this depends on me...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hm...well, then have the struggle at home.

I'd much rather have a peaceful home, especially over an email.


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

I know what you are saying, and I respect it completely. But to create an awkward work situation only after 3 months? It's probably important to note that H sort of initiated contact with my last boss and made him feel very uncomfortable about me working for him. Lol..yup, that's why I lost my job. Yeah...it's not good! Sticky situation now and I don't want to look for another job again...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Was the email directly to you or was it a group email? Obviously you know the work dynamic more than we can read into, but you are justifying why you should allow this to continue. I think it'd be weird to copy your husband into a reply email. That is not something I'd do. 

Do you feel your H is justified in feeling threatened and/or wanting you to set boundaries at work? He's not been comfortable with your job interaction before. Is he overprotective and controlling or does he actually have your best interests in mind based on what he's observing?

Perhaps you could think how YOU could LEAD a more relaxed dynamic at work, show them how to interact with you, without needing to accept sexual innuendos but still keeping the rapport. I've really only done the corporate thing working with men and I understand the dynamic of your industry might be different. I've answered an email before with "Get back to work!" If a response is needed following this, I have also included "And don't let it happen again!" They know I'm lighthearted, they know my humor, so it's received in a fun way but it also works. The rapport is still there without my inbox getting stuff I don't want to encourage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> I have a problem and need some advice on how to handle it.
> 
> Just a brief explanation of my situation...I've been married to my H for 13 years, I met him when I was 15...high school sweethearts, and he's the love of my life. We've had a rough time for the last 3 years, we've both been dishonest to one another and have caused a lot of pain. Through h*ll and back really, is the only way to put it. We've made a lot of progress, but recently things keep coming up and the trust between us is pretty fragile, as our hearts. I can't imagine living without him, even even after all the suffering. Last year we both became unemployed in the same month, our finances are poor right now and we're trying to dig out of a rather large hole. I have a new job, one that I believe will return a promising future and provide the right career path for me, finally! I like the people I work with, but they are all men since it's a manufacturing environment. I hold a professional position (corporate-like) but I deal with all sorts of folks daily. I like being part of the team there, as a woman I feel like I am at sort of a disadvantage being the youngest and newest team member, coming in to help the company make steps in the right direction. I have a good sense of humor, and don't really get offended by office banter.
> 
> ...


Your husband is more important than your job.

You need to set the boundary right away. If you let this email go you have invited a whole other level of stuff. You MUST have tight boundaries in your situation. Make sure you do not have anyhting happen that even gives the appearance of a problem. The guys need to be afraid of offending you or you will be fair game. Trust me you are a target.

Be very careful about comments, inuendo, emails and so on. Be especially vigilant about touching. If a man slaps you on the @$$ you need to report them to HR. Period no excuses. BUT, even the other more vague touching. Essentially guys will run a kino escalation on women to break down their barriers. Look it up.

Sooo, your hubby has reason to be concerned since you are the only target in a group of men. Some will compete for your attention. Do not spend time alone with any of them. Do not go for car rides with them. Do nt go to the bar with them. LOL. Be careful how you dress.

I know this sounds extreme but again you need some extra tight boundaries. It would be a little easier if there we other women there. Don;t let things get started. Putting the genie back in the bottle is a problem. Also never let on that this job is too important to you. That can be used against you to maninulate you into uncomfortable situations.

Have pictures of your husband on your desk. Never make any negative comments about your marriage. Do not let anything happen to you or be said to you that would offend your husband if he was there.

You do not need that kind of chemistry.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> Thank you for the feedback so far. It's a difficult situation and if he hadn't exercised control issues before then I would really agree to it sooner. The thing is, if I send this email back to keep it stirctly professional, I know the word would get around and I'd be "black-listed"...this isn't who I really am and I want to be myself at work. I want to build a strong relaitonship with my coworkers, we work hard around the office and sometimes it's okay to just exchange jokes and have a good laugh. I am respected, and seen as one of them. I think that if I reply then it'll certainly jeapordize what I have, this is not the professional suit-and-tie environment...not syaing that I'm trying to build a culture that opens the door to harrassment, but I'd like a somewhat relaxed culture. A lot of this depends on me...


Bad idea to take this view. Where is the boundary? Best to set it right away. I am hearing the job is a bit more important than hubby.

I understand being one of them. BUT, you are the only woman.

FWIW, my EA was with with a woman who was working in an all men's environment. Shame on me but I was the AMOG.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> I know what you are saying, and I respect it completely. But to create an awkward work situation only after 3 months? It's probably important to note that H sort of initiated contact with my last boss and made him feel very uncomfortable about me working for him. Lol..yup, that's why I lost my job. Yeah...it's not good! Sticky situation now and I don't want to look for another job again...


If my wife was disrespected at her work and I found out about it I would ounch that persons lights out in front of my wife. It is best that the woman hanlde this. Otherwise the man has to. 

So I see you are having a repeat of your last situation again. Sorry for being rough on you, but you need to have better boundaries. You are headed down the same road. Maybe worse.

So the title infers how yo handle wok but this is about boundaries for you and other men.

I will suggest that you guys do His Needs Her Needs together and discuss, define and agree on boundaries.

The emphasis that you need to be the bread winner for you guys gives me a little concern in that you may not respect your husband as much as you might if he had a good paying job. This is common. So one of these other guys could indeed make a play for you and one of them might just become more than a friend if you are not careful. After all they have a good job. So hubby needs to up his game for sure.


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## isloveenough? (Jul 19, 2011)

All of this input is extremely helpful, no matter how harsh it might be to hear. I'm open to suggestions here on how to set boundaries at work. Nothing is more important to me than my hubby, and I don't want to upset him more than I have already. But all I want is to handle this on my terms rather than copying him on the email. He has always been a bit controlling, and I see this as a way for him to control this and not allowing me to handle it. I see that I wasn't respectful to him since I didn't set the boundaries on my own...I'm just afraid of making the wrong move and then facing the work environment afterward. I haven't dealth with this before, my coworkers are not people that I would ever see going too far with me but I guess you never know. I don't see them that way, but they are men and right now I'm solo. I just need some tips in this particular issue because I want to fix this with H. I don't want to disappoint him...and right now he's just that because I didn't think it was that bad. The emails wasn't directed to me, I received it and never replied....but that's exactly why he's so furious...


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> If my wife was disrespected at her work and I found out about it I would ounch that persons lights out in front of my wife. It is best that the woman hanlde this.


Then let HER handle the situation in the way SHE DEEMS BEST! She is an intellegent human being and is able to make the best decision for herself, her work, with the concerns of her husband in mind. If her H cannot trust and respect her decision, then that is HIS problem, not hers. 

If it were me, and as I am in a very male dominated working environment, and I have had such crude emails pass through my inbox, it is not worth the turmoil at work, and have explained to my H that it is a meaningless email. I do not take offense to it, as it is not worth my time or energy. Of course, H is disgusted with them, but he knows and understands my steadfast personal boundaries. 

JMHO...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> All of this input is extremely helpful, no matter how harsh it might be to hear. I'm open to suggestions here on how to set boundaries at work. Nothing is more important to me than my hubby, and I don't want to upset him more than I have already. But all I want is to handle this on my terms rather than copying him on the email. He has always been a bit controlling, and I see this as a way for him to control this and not allowing me to handle it. I see that I wasn't respectful to him since I didn't set the boundaries on my own...I'm just afraid of making the wrong move and then facing the work environment afterward. I haven't dealth with this before, my coworkers are not people that I would ever see going too far with me but I guess you never know. I don't see them that way, but they are men and right now I'm solo. I just need some tips in this particular issue because I want to fix this with H. I don't want to disappoint him...and right now he's just that because I didn't think it was that bad. The emails wasn't directed to me, I received it and never replied....but that's exactly why he's so furious...


Stop being afraid. You can control that.

Whether you see them that way or not is not the point. It is on you to make sure things stay professional. So set the boundary right away and be firm and professional about it. If they are good folks they will understand and realize you demand respect.

You could let us in on what was said and we could judge for ourselves, but I am guessing that the email was against HR policy. Yes? 

So my gut is to reply to the sender only and ask them to leave you off of these. If this influences your job situation then frankly this is a hostile workplace and you might as well get that sorted out sooner than later. If they are looking for a woman to flirt with then I suggest you not play along. Women have fought too long to be coerced into that. You may actually enjoy this but that is a slippery slope and I would advise against it even if you feel you could handle it.

I don't think you should cc or even bcc your husband. I think that is a violation on your part and you might be dismissed for that. Probably an HR issue. Just reply to the sender. If he does not believe you then you guys have bigger issues. Make it matter of fact. Not a big deal. You donlt have to explain. Just please leave me off of these and thanks.

So I am agreeing in long winded fashion to That Girl. Remember strong women with boundaries survive in these environments. Bimbos do not. Let them know which one you are.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Your coworker(s) will get over it. But your husband won't. Your husband's feelings should be # 1 to you... I would be highly concerned if my husband received a sexually explicit email at work and did not address how inappropriate it was. Regardless of the work environment. If it makes your hubby uncomfortable, you need to address the issue and solve the problem. ESPECIALLY if your relationship has trust issues - you are reversing all of the work you have done.

I would just tell your coworker that you don't think sexual humor is very funny... In a nice way. And leave it at that. I don't think they will FOREVER shun you. If they are so fun loving as you say, they'll probably just turn THAT into another joke. No harm done. And if not - then I'm sure they will get over it. I hope sexual innuendos aren't that important to your work place.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

isloveenough? said:


> I know what you are saying, and I respect it completely. But to create an awkward work situation only after 3 months? It's probably important to note that H sort of initiated contact with my last boss and made him feel very uncomfortable about me working for him. Lol..yup, that's why I lost my job. Yeah...it's not good! Sticky situation now and I don't want to look for another job again...


Oooh well, you didnt say that! lol.

I'd probably not open my work email around him. I'd also tell him you value your job and his insecurities are messing up your career...

Does he have reason to be so jealous/suspicious?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Then let HER handle the situation in the way SHE DEEMS BEST! She is an intellegent human being and is able to make the best decision for herself, her work, with the concerns of her husband in mind. If her H cannot trust and respect her decision, then that is HIS problem, not hers.
> 
> If it were me, and as I am in a very male dominated working environment, and I have had such crude emails pass through my inbox, it is not worth the turmoil at work, and have explained to my H that it is a meaningless email. I do not take offense to it, as it is not worth my time or energy. Of course, H is disgusted with them, but he knows and understands my steadfast personal boundaries.
> 
> JMHO...


I am assuming she is looking to avoid being separated. She is trying to have a good marriage and keep her husband. Not putting her ego above the marriage.

Per your own comments you get goosed from time to time and you handle it. Most husbands do not want their wives goosed at all. So you set boundaries up front or you become a joke in that environment.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I am assuming she is looking to avoid being separated. She is trying to have a good marriage and keep her husband. Not putting her ego above the marriage.
> 
> Per your own comments you get goosed from time to time and you handle it. Most husbands do not want their wives goosed at all. So you set boundaries up front or you become a joke in that environment.


I can understand her wanting to keep her marriage... but as it should alsways be built upon respect, trust and honour. For both spouses. The OP's H should respect HER decision, trust it is true to her, and that he honours her power of self esteem. His insecurities display none of those.. hence his is not a strong husband. If a man cannot display these key characteristics, he is not a whole pure, unblemished man... hence he is not a husband. He is an emotional blackmailer if a minor incident such as this can lead to separation. A simple mass-mailed crude joke within a business is NO GROUNDS for such an overreaction from the husband. If he does not have confidence in his wife's decision, then he is not a leader, he is a dictator, and therefore he will lose the respect of his wife and she no longer has cause to follow such weakness.

As to my scenerio, my being goosed episodes. I took care of those INDEPENDANT of my husband... those incidents severely crossed MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES and I dealt with them accordingly to MY SELF-RESPECT. It has nothing to do with my ego... it has to do with my virtues as a woman. This far surpasses my marriage. A marriage consists of TWO WHOLE "SELF" SPOUSES THAT ONCE JOINED IN MARRIAGE BECOMES A GREATER ENTITY. As the saying goes, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As usual we just flat do not agree.

A marriage is about the couple and not about independent behavior.
But you dismiss your husband continuously in your comments like you are fighting some battle of freedom from him. And you have that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

True, however, if my husband threatened to contact the person who goosed me, I would have issue with that. I am not a child and I can take care of myself. I have filed a sexual harassment complaint against a man at work and went through all of the hassle. Not because my BF at the time wanted me to (and he did) but because *I* wanted to. Had he gone all ape and wanted to go to my work, causing a scene, I wouldn't have that. No way. Let the law handle that.

In the case of the OP, she said she was FIRED from a job because of her husband's BS. I don't find that to be in the best interest of the couple. This is an email. The best thing to do is just reply back that the email wasn't your taste, please keep it professional. I don't see the problem in that. Now, if it happens again, then ya, more needs to be done. You have to set your boundaries with people-- all people-- before you can expect them to respect them.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> The OP's H should respect HER decision, trust it is true to her, and that he honours her power of self esteem.


OP has said there were trust issues but did not elaborate. I am assuming there is something that was not clarified in the post. Trust issues are usually earned, by both spouses.

Additionally I don't feel that OP's H is being a dictator because he has expectations of his wife. I do not feel it is grounds for separation, however I do not feel that it is wrong for him to expect her to keep a specific type of relationship with her male peers. Sexually explicit emails can lead to several different things - perhaps not an affair, but certainly sexual harassment.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> True, however, if my husband threatened to contact the person who goosed me, I would have issue with that. I am not a child and I can take care of myself. I have filed a sexual harassment complaint against a man at work and went through all of the hassle. Not because my BF at the time wanted me to (and he did) but because *I* wanted to. Had he gone all ape and wanted to go to my work, causing a scene, I wouldn't have that. No way. Let the law handle that.
> 
> In the case of the OP, she said she was FIRED from a job because of her husband's BS. I don't find that to be in the best interest of the couple. This is an email. The best thing to do is just reply back that the email wasn't your taste, please keep it professional. I don't see the problem in that. Now, if it happens again, then ya, more needs to be done. You have to set your boundaries with people-- all people-- before you can expect them to respect them.


The goosing is in another context. It has to do with putting oneself in that environment and not about a husband coming and doing anything after the fact. It has to do with her boundaries to begin with. Her boundaries were loose and therefore she opened herslef up for this disrespect. A wife who opens herself up for disrespect is not repsectful of herself or her husband. They do not exist in a vacuum. This is not gender specific. Disrespect is disrespect. 

My point is to set proper boundaries to begin with. From the start. A wife who does not take care of this for herself is opening things up for a confrontation. It is unclear here what was up in the last situation. Not enough information provided. We do not know if it was BS or not. We can conclude it was handled poorly. And just what are the trust issues about?

Anyway she has an opportunity to do this in the right way. She cannot cc her husband. He is just going to have to get over that. I see this as her indeed handling this but with consideration for her husband. win-win Either side of that is a loss.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

To me, the critical question here is "Was this sexual inuendo directed AT you or was it more of a general haha situation that went to more than just you."

If someone, regardless of whether or not it was a comedian's words, used it DIRECTLY to you and only for you, than that's inappropriate. If it was a general email that went to everyone, than it's innocent and your hubby is in the wrong here.

PS what was said? I'm curious.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, was there any infidelity within your marriage recently (you or your spouse) that has resulted in your husband looking through your work e-mails? Or has your husband suffered through a recent bought of depression that has amped up his insecurities? It doesn't sound like you are telling the whole story, which will affect the advice that others will give to you on here. It looks like we have incomplete data in order to provide good suggestions at this time.


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## NP123 (Mar 16, 2016)

Late reply I know but here's a simple solution:

Delete the email, both of you get over it. Seems like a mountain out of a molehill to me


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