# Deciding if a seperation is the only option left



## username6931 (Dec 19, 2012)

Okay so I am seeking advice on my situation I have found myself in. A little history about my husband and I.. We have been together for 7 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2 of those years. We started dating in highschool when everything is fun, spontaneous, stress free, etc. We went through normal young relationship trials but seemed to always find our way back to eachother. I found out I was pregnant the year we had planned on getting engaged, so we decided to go ahead and get married before we had the baby. We didnt have our own place so we decided to live in an extra bedroom at my husbands parents house. (big mistake) Long story short after all of the drama, stress, fighting between family members, I finally decided I was leaving and going to my moms until he was ready to provide a home for myself and our son. Finally after a month or so apart he stepped up and we got our own apartment when our son was 6 months old. From the very beginning of being on our own our fights consisted of cussing, cutting eachother down, degrading one another, yelling, etc. I am now a mother of two, we had our second son who is just a few weeks old. In the 3 1/2 years of being married nothing has gotten better. I am now a stay at home mom and I am constantly being reminded of how everything is his and he makes the money, pays the bills, etc. I am expected (even since the day I came home from the hospital with our second) to have everything squeeky clean, dinner on the table, and all laundry finished. Keep in mind I have a 3 year old and a newborn (neither of which he feels any responsibility for). I can't tell you the last time he bathed our first, brushed his teeth, got him ready or dressed, put him to bed, etc. With our newborn I am nursing so I obviously have the feeding responsibility but because he works and I dont he feels no obligation for diaper changes, putting down to sleep, etc. If I were to post what our text messages consist of and have consisted of for years now its constant fighting and arguing EVERYDAY. Mostly of him texting me bashing me about what I didnt do right at the house, what I should or shouldnt be doing, and what all he does and what all I dont. I have been called a selfish b*tch, immature, to grow up, that I never consider anyone else, etc. If i go to my moms house for dinner to bring the kids to see her I am told that I am "running to mommys" and to grow up and eat dinner at home. Since we've been home with our second I am bashed by what isnt cleaned or organized or if i havent been to the grocery store. It's like I'm not allowed to have recovery time or to just feel tired and worn out like a normal new mom. I feel stressed out daily about what kind of text is going to come through to my phone. Half the time when my husband is at work I dont even want to tell him where I am or what I am doing just to avoid a pointless argument. I am normally a very laid back person, my husband gets to go and do as he pleases. He hunts, goes out with friends, goes out of town, goes to dinner, etc. I can't remember the last time I did anything with friends, by myself, or with family aside from an occassional dinner at my moms house. (which i am always bashed for) I just feel lost, confused, hurt, pained.. I dont know where to go from here but I feel like I have completely disconnected emotionally from my husband. Even physically.. I can't even remember the last time I even wanted to be intimate with him. It's sad but I dont want my 6 week healing period to even end after my delivery because I know he is going to want to be intimate. I just dont know how to even feel physically connected to someone in that way after the constant badgering and hatred between the two of us. He is so easy to sweep things under the rug, but my heart hurts and i just cant anymore. Seperation is what I have been thinking for a very long time I just dont know when or how to start the process. Especially with a newborn that is strictly breastfed currently I feel stuck. I know he will have to see his baby but with the baby being so little do I just set up visitation? I just need some advice.. (sorry if this is all jumbled and out of order, it's hard to explain how I'm feeling)


----------



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

username6931 said:


> Okay so I am seeking advice on my situation I have found myself in. A little history about my husband and I.. We have been together for 7 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2 of those years. We started dating in highschool when everything is fun, spontaneous, stress free, etc. We went through normal young relationship trials but seemed to always find our way back to eachother. I found out I was pregnant the year we had planned on getting engaged, so we decided to go ahead and get married before we had the baby. We didnt have our own place so we decided to live in an extra bedroom at my husbands parents house. (big mistake) Long story short after all of the drama, stress, fighting between family members, I finally decided I was leaving and going to my moms until he was ready to provide a home for myself and our son. Finally after a month or so apart he stepped up and we got our own apartment when our son was 6 months old. From the very beginning of being on our own our fights consisted of cussing, cutting eachother down, degrading one another, yelling, etc. I am now a mother of two, we had our second son who is just a few weeks old. In the 3 1/2 years of being married nothing has gotten better. I am now a stay at home mom and I am constantly being reminded of how everything is his and he makes the money, pays the bills, etc. I am expected (even since the day I came home from the hospital with our second) to have everything squeeky clean, dinner on the table, and all laundry finished. Keep in mind I have a 3 year old and a newborn (neither of which he feels any responsibility for). I can't tell you the last time he bathed our first, brushed his teeth, got him ready or dressed, put him to bed, etc. With our newborn I am nursing so I obviously have the feeding responsibility but because he works and I dont he feels no obligation for diaper changes, putting down to sleep, etc. If I were to post what our text messages consist of and have consisted of for years now its constant fighting and arguing EVERYDAY. Mostly of him texting me bashing me about what I didnt do right at the house, what I should or shouldnt be doing, and what all he does and what all I dont. I have been called a selfish b*tch, immature, to grow up, that I never consider anyone else, etc. If i go to my moms house for dinner to bring the kids to see her I am told that I am "running to mommys" and to grow up and eat dinner at home. Since we've been home with our second I am bashed by what isnt cleaned or organized or if i havent been to the grocery store. It's like I'm not allowed to have recovery time or to just feel tired and worn out like a normal new mom. I feel stressed out daily about what kind of text is going to come through to my phone. Half the time when my husband is at work I dont even want to tell him where I am or what I am doing just to avoid a pointless argument. I am normally a very laid back person, my husband gets to go and do as he pleases. He hunts, goes out with friends, goes out of town, goes to dinner, etc. I can't remember the last time I did anything with friends, by myself, or with family aside from an occassional dinner at my moms house. (which i am always bashed for) I just feel lost, confused, hurt, pained.. I dont know where to go from here but I feel like I have completely disconnected emotionally from my husband. Even physically.. I can't even remember the last time I even wanted to be intimate with him. It's sad but I dont want my 6 week healing period to even end after my delivery because I know he is going to want to be intimate. I just dont know how to even feel physically connected to someone in that way after the constant badgering and hatred between the two of us. He is so easy to sweep things under the rug, but my heart hurts and i just cant anymore. Seperation is what I have been thinking for a very long time I just dont know when or how to start the process. Especially with a newborn that is strictly breastfed currently I feel stuck. I know he will have to see his baby but with the baby being so little do I just set up visitation? I just need some advice.. (sorry if this is all jumbled and out of order, it's hard to explain how I'm feeling)


Have you talked to him about it? You need to sit him down and explain how you are feeling. Try to tell him using "I" statements... "I feel this when you do this". Saying "you make me feel" or "I hate when you do this..." lead to blame and he is less likely to listen. If he won't listen and/or doesn't understand what you are saying, then just simply say that you will not put up with the way he treats you and if it doesn't stop you will leave. If it continues, leave. You need to show him what his actions are doing to you and how they make you feel.

He won't change until you stand up and make him. If he values what he has, he will. If he doesn't, you arent losing out on anything by not being with him.

I know its not as easy at it sounds, but it needs to be done. I'm on the opposite side of this, probably about the same age as you, two kids, and a whole heck of a lot more adding to the situation... but nothing makes you see what you have faster then having it all taken away from you.


----------



## username6931 (Dec 19, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> Have you talked to him about it? You need to sit him down and explain how you are feeling. Try to tell him using "I" statements... "I feel this when you do this". Saying "you make me feel" or "I hate when you do this..." lead to blame and he is less likely to listen. If he won't listen and/or doesn't understand what you are saying, then just simply say that you will not put up with the way he treats you and if it doesn't stop you will leave. If it continues, leave. You need to show him what his actions are doing to you and how they make you feel.
> 
> He won't change until you stand up and make him. If he values what he has, he will. If he doesn't, you arent losing out on anything by not being with him.
> 
> I know its not as easy at it sounds, but it needs to be done. I'm on the opposite side of this, probably about the same age as you, two kids, and a whole heck of a lot more adding to the situation... but nothing makes you see what you have faster then having it all taken away from you.





Sorry for the delayed reply.. I have talked to him about how I am feeling & it gets better for literally a day or two and just goes back to the same old thing. I have sadly gotten to the point where I dread that he is getting off work soon because I know there will be some kind of stupid argument or blowout & my perfect day will be ruined. My oldest son has gotten to the point where he yells "stop!!!!!" Or "be nice!!" He has even heard the word psycho thrown around & will scream stop being psycho or you're being psycho. It breaks my heart what he sees and I don't want my youngest to grow up seeing the same stuff. My problem I have is that ny husband thinks nothing is wrong with the way hr acts or the things he says to me because in his mind (which is clearly warped) he has good reason. He seriously is so high strung and belittling I do not know hoe much more I can take. He gets mad at me for having an attitude or not.being affectionate but sadly I think I'm beyond the point of caring anymore. I just don't know where to turn or what to do.. I'm a stay at home mom I feel completely lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Perhaps it's time to realise that you can change your situation - by changing YOU. Do some work on yourself to be more confident. Set some goals for yourself and start to go after them. Walk away from the arguments. In other words, develop your own strength. It may be that when your husband sees that you have changed and that you are not able to be manipulated by him that he will treat you with more respect. Working on yourself is the place to start.


----------



## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi, your post was exactly my life 10 years ago. Now fast forward..son is 14, daughter is 13. Nothing ever got better..the emotional & verbal abuse turned into some physical stuff and total neglect. When I tried to make my life better.. Returning to work full time, joining a gym, etc, was when husband escalated abuse. It was going to be his way or the highway. We have tried about 5 different counselors, plus a marriage retreat, nothing worked. The problem with marriage counseling is when the therapists try to work with both people they encourage both of you to work on things..which is fine..but in my experience, they tend to minimize the abusive behaviors. I even had one therapist tell me to figure ou a way to have sex with my husband, because he would never give me a thing if I didn't. The longer it went on though the longer you feel disconnected..this only causes more fighting, more resentment on both sides. 
To save the marriage both sides have to try and make compromises. See if he will let you have one night or weekend day to yourself..this can go a long way to helping you feel less resentful. My husband would never do this for me..I actually begged to go out by myself on Mother's Day because I knew he would have to let me do something I wanted!! 
Anyway, my point is, try the marriage counseling. You will be able to tell fairly quickly if he is open to suggestions, compromise..good luck.


----------

