# Wife Wants Separation To Determine Love



## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

This is really hard to type but I think my marriage is over. We've been dating for over 6 years and married for two. I thought everything was going well but my wife and I have had a rough few months and my wife finally opened up to me the other day and has been ever since. She has essentially told me that she doesn't, and never did, love me the way your supposed to love a husband but loves me like a best friend. She said she always imagined growing up this romantic life and being intimate with her husband, but our bedroom is dead. She also said she loves to cook and clean and did growing up and thought she would love doing it for me, but she doesn't and she is just unhappy. She cannot stop crying and apologizing for ruining everything and for her feelings, but that is honestly how she feels. I think she may be suffering from some form of depression or anxiety, but I talked with her about it and she said she is super stressed now, but has been having these feelings deep down for a little white. We are going to go to counseling and she is even open to the idea of her going to her own individual counseling sessions. Maybe I am just overly hopeful that a fixable mental issue is the root cause, or maybe there really is one. Now obviously I am crushed but I have to respect her for her honesty. My only thought is to give counseling a shot, as a last ditch effort. Other than that, does anyone have advice or has anyone been through this before?

We just had another long talk, and we have our first counseling session set up tomorrow morning, and we think we are going to separate for a month or two, and allow her to decide how she needs me in her life. She and I both agree that its unfair for us to be married, if she isn't loving me how she's supposed to, but she is not yet ready to make the life-altering decision that we should get divorced.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

As long as you are absolutely certain there is not another man in the picture for her, then I am all for MC and IC for both of you. I am not, however, in favor of separating so she can "figure out how she needs you in her life."

As you will see in story after story on these forums, separating is usually a disaster and often leads to infidelity on the part of the "confused" spouse. Since they are "separated" they don't really see it as cheating, and once they are caught up in an affair it is next to impossible to get your marriage back on track.

You will get some very good advice here... Just keep your guard up and your eyes open.


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

I do trust her, but I agree about hesitation to separate. However, she is young and I can understand what she means about needing to know how she feels about me. She has essentially told me that she wants to keep a list, and when she misses me or needs me she wants to mark down whether she misses me as a best friend, or has a husband. I agree with her that we seem to have become best friends more than lovers, but my feelings of love towards her have not been effected by this. 

I hope the counselor may suggest waiting to separate, but I understand her reasoning. We are thinking of e-mailing each week to keep up to date, and then meeting up after the semester in early May to decide what to do next. I'm hoping we will know sooner, but given the magnitude of the decision I want to give her time and space.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are posters who separate and get back together but I think for most people it's a way to grow apart -- not grow together. Counseling while living together is the best bet. That will either work or it won't and then you'll have your answer which path to follow.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

> "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
> 
> Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
> 
> Dr. Willard Harley, author "His Needs Her Needs"


Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

I don't know if your wife is having an affair, but I'm inclined to go with the guy who has been doing this since the late 60s, has seen it all, and has written some of the top material on the subject.

Don't just take her word for it. Not for a second. They ALL say what she's been saying to you.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Separation means the beginning of the end........you can not fix something when you are apart. Take it to the bank. Don't do it.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

This was not an issue for EIGHT YEARS., but now it is all of a sudden? Ridiculous.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

boredjoe560 said:


> I thought everything was going well but my wife and I have had a rough few months and my wife finally opened up to me the other day and has been ever since. She has essentially told me that she doesn't, and never did, love me the way your supposed to love a husband but loves me like a best friend. .... she doesn't and she is just unhappy. She cannot stop crying and apologizing for ruining everything and for her feelings, but that is honestly how she feels. I think she may be suffering from some form of depression or anxiety, but I talked with her about it and she said she is super stressed now, but has been having these feelings deep down for a little white.


Here we go again. This scenario repeats itself almost daily here on TAM. 95% probability there is another dude in the picture. Brace yourself when the truth comes out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

First thing to check is cell phone call and text history. 

Do not discuss it with her. Just investigate.


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## SuziQ41 (Feb 10, 2014)

Many of us gals (and guys) grew up with a fantasy of "happily ever after" and it gets in the way of a happy marriage. We either expect to have endless romance and such or we expect that once married we can stop dating our beloved and they will feel the same. 

Can you see yourself or your beloved in either of those? 

My advice: you cannot change her or her feelings or experience. You can only change your self. Are you the same man she fell for? Or have you let yourself go? Are you still dating? For me, that means texting or emailing during the day, doing nice things for her, grooming, planning date nights (not TV time), flowers and romance.


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## KeepLookingUp (Feb 6, 2014)

My wife asked for a physical separation 3.5 months ago. Our marriage had gotten to the point where felt like roommates and we weren't enjoying each other anymore as a H and W should in a marriage. Their were a few contributing factors that led to this point, some within our control and some that weren't. 

The feelings had been going on for more than a year so when she started the conversation I knew where it was headed. I didn't like the idea of moving out to my own place, but it has allowed me to reflect on our marriage, myself and my place in this world. We are both going to IC and that seems to be helping us as individuals. She won't go to MC because the last time we went the counsellor told her things that she didn't like. I've asked for MC as a last ditch effort but she refuses. 

It hurts to have to share our son, and not spend everyday with him but I know that this has to be done. I'm learning that we are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, it's part of the human condition. A healthy marriage is one where both partners forgive each other and accept each other for unique individuals. I don't know what my future holds, will we reconcile? will we go our separate ways? I don't know, but I know that after this separation and time of self reflection I will be stronger as an individual. And that is key to future relationship success...you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Best of luck to you.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

As one of the few whos wive actually was not cheating on him I will tell you that your best bet is to go ahead and give her the space. If you do not, she will end up resenting you later on if you push to stay together and it doesn't work out.

My wife maintains to this day that our relationship just needed space. I am not a "space to figure stuff out" kinda guy. Luckily for me it just took time to realize that what I thought was happiness was really just me being content to have a mediocre marriage.

Just take her out of your equation for a while and think, is this something that I really want to do? Are you really ok with knowing that your wife hasn't cared for you and has been feeling guilt of living a lie for that long? 

Do what everyone says, do a little digging for yourself to make sure everything is on the up and up. If there is nothing to find then you really need to go ahead and separate. 

Go to counseling! If you do not manage to fix your relationship there you will at least learn some tools to have a happy next relationship. Counseling did not fix my relationship but it did teach me where I had gone wrong in my current marriage and how to prevent it when I have a new one.

Truth is, when they are gone they are gone. From what I have seen they only come back when they fail or when they realize that you were the one. Youll find very few of the latter returns.


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## KeepLookingUp (Feb 6, 2014)

I didn't want to do move out and pack up but sometimes a marriage needs to breathe and two people need their space. It gives both of you time to recalibrate and ask yourself some tough questions. Make sure you give yourself and her honest answers.

Resentment, anger, frustration and other negative feelings that lead to a separation are suffocating to a marriage. Get out and breathe.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Whatever you do, don't leave. If she wants a separation, she needs to be the one to move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do not move out. If she wants 'space' she can make it happen.

That said, check the phone records. Odds are good there is one number she texts or calls a lot. Report back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Sounds like you need to up your ranking.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

SH987

I agree with SH987. Sounds like an affair to me and likely is. Check things out, you just may need yourself a lawyer. Separation normally is the beginning of the end.

skb


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Add me to the list of guys who lost wife during separation and false reconciliation attempt. Separation leads to termination.

Maybe it's the exiting spouse's way of trying to let the abandoned spouse down easy. IDK. In any case, once you live apart the next step gets easier for them.


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