# Husband has new female friend, I don't know what to do



## kentucky (Sep 7, 2017)

Deleting thread start - I don't know how to completely delete a thread, and I'm sure this is frowned upon, but I am not finding this helpful and want replies to stop.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> What do I do?


realize your marriage is on a collision course with a hurricane like the one in Texas, and there isn't much you can do.

if you can't even voice your feelings about this obvious inappropriate situation without him getting defensive and an argument......he is probably already sleeping with her.

i would walk out on him stone cold and file for divorce.

maybe then he might be ready to talk about his choices.

begging and pleading with him only makes you look worse in his eyes.

sorry. but life as you know it could be over.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 59 years old (husband 62 years old), and married for 37 years (first marriage for the both of us). My husband & I discussed your post. We both agreed to advise you to talk to her husband. These two are on their path to an affair. Show the OW's husband the photos of them together at these events. Show up on all events that your husband and she will be on and make sure that you have photographs of them. See an attorney to protect your rights. Do not talk to your husband about what you are about to do. Gather evidence and follow the directions of your attorney.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Highly inappropriate. 
One solution: talk to woman's husband.

Another: have divorce papers filled out and in the open she. He gets home and you aren't there.

Another: find out how they're communicating because they definitely are.

Another: look up the term gaslighting.
He is gonna try to make you feel like you're crazy. You aren't. You're just not totally stupid. He is clearly emotionally attached and probably wishes she'd give him more attn. she is! He could easily be doing bad stuff with her. You're being replaced. 

Consider papers. At the very least, find out how they're communicating. Look for apps on his phone like Kik. But it could be anything.

Sorry, you're right to be worried.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Career woman here, 59 years old (husband 62 years old), and married for 37 years (first marriage for the both of us). My husband & I discussed your post. We both agreed to advise you to talk to her husband. These two are on their path to an affair. Show the OW's husband the photos of them together at these events. Show up on all events that your husband and she will be on and make sure that you have photographs of them. See an attorney to protect your rights. Do not talk to your husband about what you are about to do. Gather evidence and follow the directions of your attorney.


Solid advice. Bravo


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

The main part of your post that worries me is the part where he gets angry when you try to talk about it. You're married- you're entitled to voice your doubts/fears to him about your relationship. 

I don't know about the "running for divorce court" theme I'm picking up on in this thread....it's YOUR marriage. What do YOU want to do? You said you "tried to get over it" and cannot. Why? Write it down on paper, talk to your actual friends or family or take some quiet time alone to work out your feelings. I don't think you should have to "Get over it". If you're not the type that's usually jealous and suddenly you are, then that is a flag. 

Personally, I would try one more time to talk with him. Not to give an ultimatum but more to give him a heads up that things cannot keep going the way they are. Write a letter to him if you cannot talk to him. Or, if you feel that speaking with her spouse is a course you would like to pursue, then go that way. 

Do something....different. The definition of insanity is going the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Good luck to you


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is there a reason you don't do things your husband likes with him? Are you kind of hoping he finds someone to have fun with or something?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Get the book not just friends by Dr. SHIRLEY Glass. He is having an emotional affair with this woman for sure, may be physical as well. Sorry, but the fact that he eill not let her go is very telling.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yup. I know exactly where this is heading. He's already dismissing your feelings of discomfort in favor of his "friendship". This emotional affair will only escalate (if it hasn't already) if you let it continue.

Try to gather more evidence first before doing anything. Protect yourself and find out what your rights are in the case things go awry, and expose to the other woman's betrayed husband.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You have reason to be concerned. I don't necessarily think anything physical has happened yet, but it's only a matter of time. It's a slippery slope and these things can snowball very quickly.

You are his wife. You DO have a right to express your feelings and voice your concerns about this (and other issues). You also (within reason) have a right to demand that he cut off all contact with this other woman. That will mean he has to either give up the sport or change clubs. Too bad. Your marriage should be the top priority for the both of you.

**I say within reason, because obviously no spouse has the right to be a controlling douche...but this isn't one of those times...especially if this is out of the ordinary for you to feel this way, that in itself is a warning you should heed.

Tell her husband. Tell your husband this "friendship" needs to end immediately, or you will enforce your boundary. You just need to decide what that boundary is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

His actions are far from appropriate. You have been given good advice. You need to do the 180 on him, tell him exactly how you feel and lay out the consequences and follow through. Advise the OW's husbands of this relationship, he ought to know, so he too can keep an eye, he may not be so accommodating and will do some of the work for you.
However, husbands do need their wives to be involved in recreational companionship, that is one of their top needs after sex, so you should consider joining him for some sort of activities. This is important, she is beginning to feel a need for him.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm going to tell you what the others have said. You really need to make it so uncomfortable for them to maintain that friendship that they will feel it's not worth the effort. 

First, you absolutely need to speak with this woman's husband and let him know what's going on. You can tell him that you don't believe that anything sexual is going on at the moment, but you do believe that they are getting too close. You could tell that you're concerned that an affair could be eminent, then give him the detail that you have. I guarantee you he will tell his wife to end the friendship, and he will watch your husband like a hawk. 

You need to stand up for yourself, and take assertive action. You also need to tell your husband that this friendship with this woman needs to end now or the marriage is over. You need to back your claim up by filing divorce papers immediately. This will show him that you mean business, you don't have to follow through with it if he complies.

Whatever you do, don't sit around and just accept this behavior. I guarantee you he'll be in bed with her soon, if he isn't already.


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

Temptation is inevitable. If I were in his shoes and my wife approached me from a place of love and expressed hurt feelings over the situation I would do what I had to to put her mind at ease. If he loves you your feelings will be more important to him than the sports teams and certainly the lady in question. If he doesnt realize that then theres a problem but I wouldnt just automatically assume theyre sleeping together already.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Some on here as I've been reading, are too afraid to confront their spouses when they see clearly what's going on. I'd simply tell him that you're not 'crazy,' and that you're not tolerating being treated like this. If he keeps the 'friendship' ...continues to throw tantrums over not wanting to give up his soon-to-be-mistress, then you have a choice to make. I wouldn't beg and plead and act insecure, etc. I'd be straight with him, and that's it.

You don't need to raise your voice or be rude. Just simply say ''I'm not crazy, and if you want to treat me like this, then we need to have a different kind of conversation.''

People treat us with as much or little respect as we expect from them. You deserve better. Men who are up to no good usually tell their women that they're ''crazy,'' I've noticed. No, he's crazy if he thinks you will tolerate watching him cheat on you, and that's where this is heading.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Before this started was your life together happy, fun, romantic? If not, do you know why it wasn't? 

Sometimes when men start bonding with other women its to try to get something that they feel they are missing at home. That feeling may not be reasonable, but do you know if he feels that his is missing something?


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## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

Did you agree that in your marriage you will never have friends of the opposite sex? If so, then I can understand your concerns. If not, then you can see why your husband might be annoyed because you have no evidence that anything physical has even happened, no evidence of phone calls or texts or anything other than they like hanging out occasionally. As far as you know no boundaries have been crossed. 

You say your husband has not even struck up a friendship with another woman in your 10 years of marriage. You know the only way of finding out is to speak to him candidly about it and asking for honesty. If all is well then you will get the reassurance that you hope for and I hope you do.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Been in your husbands shoes.....it feels like your not doing anything wrong because it isnt physical at first, then it becomes more than friends, he will feel closer to her than you. She is fulfilling a need- find out what it is- probably participating in recreational activities is one of them, probably admiration-hopefully not sex yet.

My H knew I was going out with OM friend in groups and didnt mind, I never told him when I started to go out with OM on my own (those are dates). I talked about OM all the time and would have defended our friendship to the death. Then I quit talking about him when it became physical. Watch for that.

What would have stopped me? I dont know. Maybe an ultimatum -serving me separation papers would have given me a wake up call- going to MC so I could see how serious his concerns /feelings were...exposing his fears to my family and his....
taking the secrecy and privacy out of the relationship- it feels like a highschool crush -It is a hormonal fog of embarassing proportions really...

If prospective wayward spouses were able to feel the anguish they inflict on their spouse through their actions- really experience that drop to your knees physical pain in the heart that rocks them to their core.... only the coldest and most depraved people would go forward with their betrayal. 

read not just friends- have him read it and discuss it

I wish you luck. Reconciliation is possible. We did. Not easy and both have to want it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sure the OP has needs too that her huhsband isn't ''filling.'' Clearly, he's spending a lot of his energy on another woman, now. So, while I understand some of the comments here, no one can fill everyone's needs. Many affairs happen because a spouse doesn't like their own life, feels unhappy in themselves, and has nothing to do with the spouse. They want the benefits of a marriage and also to pretend they're single and free. It doesn't work that way. If you want to be single and free, then you can't be married. A spouse will never be able to fill that type of 'need,' the need to want to be single and free. That is how I see the OP's situation, her husband likes the attention of this woman (because she makes him feel single and free and it's all new, and without any obligations, etc) and it's not a friendship, that's why the woman ignores the OP when she's around.


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

Yes and it really doesn't matter if your needs are being met or not. You agreed to forever for better or worse so you need to work out with your spouse how to get your needs met. Not betray them and blow up your life and theirs and possibly someone else's as well.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Nope, just no. It really is as simple as that. OP this is your life, you are the master of your ship so you get to set the rules for what you will and will not allow. You could start by talking with the OW husband but why even do that? This is not ok, that's all there is to it and you need to make that clear ASAP.


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## kentucky (Sep 7, 2017)

Removing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The real question for OP:

Are you willing to rock the boat?
What consequence are you willing to enforce if he keeps hanging with his girlfriend?

I think it says a lot that you'd stay at home when your husband is dating another woman. You are conflict avoidant, I suspect. Some women would send the girlfriend packing, or at least explain that YOU are your husbands girlfriend, and won't stand for interlopers. There's no room in a married man's life for a girlfriend, and let's face it. She's a girl, and she's his friend. And he puts his relationship with her ahead of your feelings--- because he CAN. You're letting him.
Gotta meet this head on if you want it to stop. If it's not gone to sex yet, it might be worth it to give him a wakeup call. If he's too far gone, the truth is you may as well let him go.....Once they get a taste for someone new, if it's not this one he wants, there will be another.

I hope you report back and let us know what you've learned as far as how they're communicating (they are), and what you're willing to do to either get him to stop dating other women or get him out of your life.


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## Deperatedwoman (Jul 31, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> Career woman here, 59 years old (husband 62 years old), and married for 37 years (first marriage for the both of us). My husband & I discussed your post. We both agreed to advise you to talk to her husband. These two are on their path to an affair. Show the OW's husband the photos of them together at these events. Show up on all events that your husband and she will be on and make sure that you have photographs of them. See an attorney to protect your rights. Do not talk to your husband about what you are about to do. Gather evidence and follow the directions of your attorney.


This is a really good and wise advice!


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

kentucky said:


> He's been on this team, with other close male friends of his, for over five years. Asking him to stop going would be mean, it's important to him. Like I said, I am not sporty - I am terrible at all the sports and he is very competitive. I would be a terrible addition to the team. I always felt sports were a good thing for him to do with his male friends without me, as I do think it's important to have hobbies/time apart from the SO. I do watch the games sometimes.
> 
> Our relationship has been mostly without conflict. We get along well and have always had a strong relationship until now. And for him there is still no problems, nothing has changed - he still wants me physically, still tells me he loves me, always asks my permission to do things, plans things with me, etc. That said he does have a history of ignoring my needs, even when I have expressed them clearly to him multiple times. I often feel taken for granted.
> 
> ...


Wow you guys really remind me of me and my wife.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't really believe in making demands on people, in general. I do believe however in demanding respect for one's life. And giving up this ''friendship'' (it's not a friendship but we're using that word for now) is showing you respect, OP. He has had a taste now of being single and free, and from all you say about your marriage, that seems what this is about. This chick has awakened that side of him that forgets maybe what it's like to be single and free. Believe me, there are men out there that if you let them, they'd do the same for you. She's not unique and the unicorn that you'll never be. So please stop thinking she has something that you don't. If anything, she sounds low class to hit on a married guy, to be honest. And she's married, so what does this say about her?

I don't suggest divorce, I suggest you ask for respect, and that means he has to end this ''friendship.'' If he doesn't, then you have to decide if you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings.

You're not being irrational. Affairs happen just like this, I've read about them on here and they start off as ''friendships.'' Every one of them pretty much starts off like this. The WS claiming that it's all innocent, and that their spouse is 'crazy.' 

I would just seek respect for yourself and then let things fall where they do. Good luck!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP- maybe it was her reaction to you that has your internal radar reacting. You said she completely ignored you when you approached the both of them. That is not how people generally treat the spouse of a platonic friend. So I can see why your feeling the way you do. If your H really is innocent and really does see her as just a friend he's not going to understand your reaction and will accuse you being overly jealous and paranoid. 

If it were me and if the problem really is coming from her I'd start spending more time with H around all these friends to send her a very clear message.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

worriedwithfear said:


> Did you agree that in your marriage you will never have friends of the opposite sex? If so, then I can understand your concerns. If not, then you can see why your husband might be annoyed because you have no evidence that anything physical has even happened, no evidence of phone calls or texts or anything other than they like hanging out occasionally. As far as you know no boundaries have been crossed.


It doesnt matter whether physical boundaries have not been crossed. She has expressed discomfort with the situation, so as her husband, he should have enough respect for her and for their relationship that he changes the behavior that is bothering her. If she had this kind of "friendship" with another man, I can guarantee you that her H would be bothered by that, as would most men. All spouses need to protect their relationship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he will not listen to your concerns and continues to stonewall you which is what he is doing, then i would suggest you pursue something you are interested in and 'become close' to a male. When he becomes concerned (and he will) then use exactly the same phrases he uses with you. Sometimes we have to show our SO what it is like to walk in our shoes. Remember ' what is good for the gander is good for the goose.' If he wont listen, 'show him.'


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

kentucky said:


> I 100% trust that he would not cheat on me. I know, I know - but really, he feels very strongly about cheating and it's just not in his character. .


I suggest you be very careful in this type of thinking. If I had a nickel for every time I heard this, I could quit my job today. 

Now, I am not saying that he has cheated on you. But I feel as though this situation is ripe for an emo Affair at the very least. The fact that he is talking about maybe working for her company, how they are always pictured together, and for me, a huge and I mean HUGE red flag pops up when she ignored you. 

This woman is interested in your man. If it were me in this situation, I would be at every single game he had. Every. Single. Game. Make your presence known in a big big way. And, I would talk to her husband. You are not crazy. You are very right to be concerned. I know I would be.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

It's hard with stories like this to read between the lines. Somebody says their concerns are being dismissed, you can't always be sure if it's because the other person is dismissive or because the person expressing concern is worrying too much.

Here, the main thing that sets off my alarm is that the female friend is avoiding the wife/OP. If she had no shady feelings or intentions, she would want to be introduced to a friend's spouse, socialize, and be on their good side.

It's one thing to have an opposite sex friend, but you generally expect that they'll be a mutual friend.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

a_mister said:


> It's hard with stories like this to read between the lines. Somebody says their concerns are being dismissed, you can't always be sure if it's because the other person is dismissive or because the person expressing concern is worrying too much.
> 
> Here, the main thing that sets off my alarm is that the female friend is avoiding the wife/OP. If she had no shady feelings or intentions, she would want to be introduced to a friend's spouse, socialize, and be on their good side.
> 
> It's one thing to have an opposite sex friend, but you generally expect that they'll be a mutual friend.


I agree, that's what the red flag is to me, that the ''friend'' is ignoring the OP. It is likely because she knows she doesn't want to be the OP's husband's friend, she is interested in him. I guess that's better than being totally fake towards the OP, pretending to be her friend too, and then stabbing her in the back.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

kentucky said:


> He's been on this team, with other close male friends of his, for over five years. Asking him to stop going would be mean, it's important to him. Like I said, I am not sporty - I am terrible at all the sports and he is very competitive. I would be a terrible addition to the team. I always felt sports were a good thing for him to do with his male friends without me, as I do think it's important to have hobbies/time apart from the SO. I do watch the games sometimes.
> 
> Our relationship has been mostly without conflict. We get along well and have always had a strong relationship until now. And for him there is still no problems, nothing has changed - he still wants me physically, still tells me he loves me, always asks my permission to do things, plans things with me, etc. That said he does have a history of ignoring my needs, even when I have expressed them clearly to him multiple times. I often feel taken for granted.
> 
> ...


What you think he will or won't do regarding cheating is ridiculous. None of "us" ever thought it was even possible that our spouse's would cheat. Mine was the most vocal person in our Sunday school class and was involved in things that would likely make you blush. She's admitted to sexting while at her job with kids, etc. Don't think "he wouldn't do that". Don't say, "I know, I know"........ It's just a pitfall you don't want to wade into, thinking you know a person's character completely.

Now, as to the "I'm prettier than her". I believe that. I really do. Guess what? It's COMMON for the affair partner to be STEPS down in looks, money, class, etc. So put that out of your head, too. 

YOU ARE CONCERNED. It doesn't matter what we think or what he thinks, or what she thinks. YOU ARE CONCERNED. That alone should be PLENTY of reason for him to discontinue the realationship with her. Even if it's platonic.

Now, you've said he was seeing about getting on another team with her, and thinking of changing jobs and working where she works. Those 2 things are TREMENDOUS red flags. That demonstrates a huge level of interest and closeness.
Stop thinking you are wrong about this. Your gut says HELL NO! Go with that. You don't sound crazy to me at all. You sound like a very thoughtful person that sees other's perspectives (your husband's).

Nip this crap. It's bad for your marriage, and may be worse than you think. Nip it in the bud.


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you think he will or won't do regarding cheating is ridiculous. None of "us" ever thought it was even possible that our spouse's would cheat. Mine was the most vocal person in our Sunday school class and was involved in things that would likely make you blush. She's admitted to sexting while at her job with kids, etc. Don't think "he wouldn't do that". Don't say, "I know, I know"........ It's just a pitfall you don't want to wade into, thinking you know a person's character completely.
> 
> Now, as to the "I'm prettier than her". I believe that. I really do. Guess what? It's COMMON for the affair partner to be STEPS down in looks, money, class, etc. So put that out of your head, too.
> 
> ...


I'm not easily shocked. Even as a child I wasn't easily shocked as I slowly learned the harsh realities of this world. I've only been on this forum for a few days and some of the things I've seen....the things people will do to the person they swore to love forever shock the hell out of me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She should not be allowed to be a friend unless she can be a *friend to the marriage.* That means no secret time together without including you. It's a very basic thing you should be requiring for him to continue this "friendship."


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

kentucky said:


> not that it matters, but I am prettier than the girl in question...


Six words:

Princess Diana vs. Camilla Parker-Bowles

or just five words:

Maria Schriver vs. Arnold's nanny

and there's plenty more where that came from.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

My STBX husband always had close women friends. About 25 years ago he met a woman through church. Both of us worked on the church spring festival with her. Later he fixed the bindery equipment at her business. He always said "Hello Gorgeous" to her on the phone or in person (he never once called me that). Later she started helping him with DJ gigs -- they would go out for breakfast afterwards and not get home until 3 AM. He went over to her house to do woodworking projects with her. I could go on and on about things they did together. I thought he always sounded more excited to see her than me.

She is an alcoholic, and he was her unofficial "sponsor" because she said he would be tough on her (he's not an alcoholic). She started having health problems; he accompanied her to all her doctor appointments and for the day at Mayo Clinic. He helped her get on SS disability.

She was my friend, too, although I always felt she and my husband were closer friends.

Why did I let this go on? Because he always had women friends, because I thought she was a lesbian, and because I trusted him. I still don't know what their relationship is because neither will tell me, but I wish I had paid closer attention. I think there was, and is, more going on than meets the eye.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Some women would send the girlfriend packing, or at least explain that YOU are your husbands girlfriend, and won't stand for interlopers.


Amen. ^^this is me. I'd be nipping this crap in the bud asap. I'd be at EVERY SINGLE ONE of those games and practices. If they were sitting together I would plonk myself down right in between them with a curt "can you move over please" to the POSOW. It is MY place by my husbands side. No other woman will push me out. Lol.

But honestly, my husband would know, in no uncertain terms that what he is doing is risking our marriage and if he wants to stay married to me he'd better cut that **** out - now.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It's interesting how everyone would handle different situations like this. I wouldn't get in the woman's face, I would simply make it known to my husband that if he wants to hang out with other women, then we probably shouldn't be married. I'm not competing for my own husband. People make choices, and while I'd be hurt, I think it's something between the OP and her husband. This woman is not the problem, the husband's lack of boundaries and self control is the problem. He should be telling her to stand off, and that he's happy with his wife.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> It's interesting how everyone would handle different situations like this. I wouldn't get in the woman's face, I would simply make it known to my husband that if he wants to hang out with other women, then we probably shouldn't be married. I'm not competing for my own husband. People make choices, and while I'd be hurt, I think it's something between the OP and her husband. This woman is not the problem, the husband's lack of boundaries and self control is the problem. He should be telling her to stand off, and that he's happy with his wife.


Well said. And it's kind of a false victory if you simply drive of the other woman and ensure a continued life with a man who, if given the chance, would rather be with someone else. Either you're the one and only or you're not. HE needs to be the one to prove that.


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