# Being disrespectful or not?



## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Is it disrespectful for one spouse to always bring up their memories of their ex wives or ex girlfriends in your presence? 

My husband will always bring up memories of his ex when talking with people we know. It happens all the time, at first I didn't think there was any thing wrong with it, but then noticed he was always doing it. I told him that it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable, but he says I'm being silly and jealous and that there is nothing wrong with it at all.

I have had other people ask me why do I put up with it, they say that there is never a time that he speaks of "OUR" memories, or ever mentions anything about me, it is always about his ex wife, ex girlfriends or about himself. They think that it is mean and horrible that he does this especially with me right there beside him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would say that continuing to do something your spouse has said they find hurtful is sort of the definition of disrespectful.

Fixation on an ex, openly pining for another woman in front of your spouse, being dismissive of your spouse? Yep. That's disrespect.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

lotgirl said:


> Is it disrespectful for one spouse to always bring up their memories of their ex wives or ex girlfriends in your presence?
> 
> My husband will always bring up memories of his ex when talking with people we know. It happens all the time, at first I didn't think there was any thing wrong with it, but then noticed he was always doing it. I told him that it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable, but he says I'm being silly and jealous and that there is nothing wrong with it at all.
> 
> I have had other people ask me why do I put up with it, they say that there is never a time that he speaks of "OUR" memories, or ever mentions anything about me, it is always about his ex wife, ex girlfriends or about himself. They think that it is mean and horrible that he does this especially with me right there beside him.


Disrespectful? Maybe if it's done repeatedly. I'd say the disrespectful part is your husband blowing you off after you brought it up to him that you're bothered by it.

It would also make me wonder why he's seemingly living in the past more than in the present (with you).


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I would say that continuing to do something your spouse has said they find hurtful is sort of the definition of disrespectful.
> 
> Fixation on an ex, openly pining for another woman in front of your spouse, being dismissive of your spouse? Yep. That's disrespect.


That's what I always thought but was always afraid to say anything about it until other people talked to me about it. When I told him how I felt, he always says that I don't understand anything and that I need to chill out.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Disrespectful? Maybe if it's done repeatedly. I'd say the disrespectful part is your husband blowing you off after you brought it up to him that you're bothered by it.
> 
> It would also make me wonder why he's seemingly living in the past more than in the present (with you).


I have asked him why does he continue to talk about things that are in the past and that we should be concentrating on our future and our memories, he says that I am just being very jealous.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lotgirl said:


> I have asked him why does he continue to talk about things that are in the past and that we should be concentrating on our future and our memories, he says that I am just being very jealous.


I'm sorry to say this.. but I would leave a man like this.. his behavior , when you have opened up to share how this makes you feel (in your presence even!)...this is *VERY disrespectful* to you.. worse than what he is doing... is what it represents... he is pining for his EX..reliving memories ....you don't go on talking about someone all the time if you aren't THINKING of them.

I am guessing SHE broke up with him .... and he's never really gotten over this woman? Does anyone want to feel 2nd fiddle to an old flame.....And if he throws it back in your face calling you Jealous.. No..this is just NOT OK...he is justifying himself... he is not a man who cares ENOUGH - to how you feel.. the real woman in his life NOW.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm sorry to say this.. but I would leave a man like this.. his behavior , when you have opened up to share how this makes you feel (in your presence even!)...this is *VERY disrespectful* to you.. worse than what he is doing... is what it represents... he is pining for his EX..reliving memories ....you don't go on talking about someone all the time if you aren't THINKING of them.
> 
> I am guessing SHE broke up with him .... and he's never really gotten over this woman? Does anyone want to feel 2nd fiddle to an old flame.....And if he throws it back in your face calling you Jealous.. No..this is just NOT OK...he is justifying himself... he is not a man who cares ENOUGH - to how you feel.. the real woman in his life NOW.


:iagree: with SA on this one. Not only is he doing this, but doing it enough for _other people_ to notice and comment on... Highly disrespectful, IMO, and I would leave him to his memories and get on with living in the present - with someone who cares enough to be there _with me._


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm sorry to say this.. but I would leave a man like this.. his behavior , when you have opened up to share how this makes you feel (in your presence even!)...this is *VERY disrespectful* to you.. worse than what he is doing... is what it represents... he is pining for his EX..reliving memories ....you don't go on talking about someone all the time if you aren't THINKING of them.
> 
> I am guessing SHE broke up with him .... and he's never really gotten over this woman? Does anyone want to feel 2nd fiddle to an old flame.....And if he throws it back in your face calling you Jealous.. No..this is just NOT OK...he is justifying himself... he is not a man who cares ENOUGH - to how you feel.. the real woman in his life NOW.


I have thought about leaving him. According to him he was the one who divorced her because of her indiscretions, but I am beginning to think that he is not telling the whole truth about it. He talks like he never did any wrong, all her fault. 

He says that all he is doing is just using his memories as reference only and there is nothing wrong with that. But I feel that it is not normal to be constantly talking about your ex when you have a real good husband/wife in your life. He tells me I'm full of crap and I need to get over myself.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

How long have you been together?

I think that he is being insensitive of your feelings. Of course their would be some jealousy that follows. You would feel like you aren't enough to him or measuring up to the ex's. 

Also, what sorts of things is he bringing up?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

bkaydezz said:


> How long have you been together?
> 
> I think that he is being insensitive of your feelings. Of course their would be some jealousy that follows. You would feel like you aren't enough to him or measuring up to the ex's.
> 
> Also, what sorts of things is he bringing up?


We've been together over 8 years. When he did it the first few times I didn't feel jealous at all, but when he would do it each and every time we talked to our friends, I started to feel that he was being disrespectful to me. I've been married before too, but never once that I felt the need to talk about my ex.

He brings up the good times they had together, the houses they had together, pretty much everything when they were together. Even their sex life too.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

lotgirl said:


> I According to him he was the one who divorced her because of her indiscretions, but *I am beginning to think that he is not telling the whole truth about it.* .


:iagree:

What he is doing is disrespectful and hurtful and he very well knows this. It's some kind of sick power game. My exH was similar, he got off making me insecure. It's an awful temperament and a huge red flag.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

lotgirl said:


> He brings up the good times they had together, the houses they had together, pretty much everything when they were together. Even their sex life too.


Jeez.....get out. That's beyond horrible. Even others see it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He isn't over her, sounds like to me.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think its more hurtful then disrespectful. My husband was with his ex 18 years.

He met me pretty soon after the break up, and it was quite a bad break up, so no love lost there.... the thing is them being together that long, they have history so i know that tho i would like her to totally disappear and her name ( grrrrrrr) has been known to be brought up in conversation.... They had a mortgage, and she had children from a previous marriage, so they had quite a history.

We have a friend that comes around, and before me and my husband was together he knew her too, and for some reason when were altogether on a Saturday night with other friends her name always seems to be brought up by the friend, he never really liked her, but she gets brought up in conversation, and i hate it.

I know quite a lot about her from my husband, so i do not get Jealous as such, as i know how my husband feels about her, I just do not like her name coming up.... It does help that when her name is brought up my husband never defends her, he just talks of how unhappy she made him, and how she treated him..... but then i seem to start asking him questions and he tells me he does not want to talk about her...... I am not stupid i know they must have had good times and years, that is the part i hate.

My husband hates my Ex and as i have children with him, he does get spoke about by the children.... He does not like him being spoken about I respect him so i try to keep it at the minimal.... I do not think anyone really likes their ex spoken about.... and if its happening and you do not like it that is when its disrespectful.

My husband tho is always praising me up to people, to his work friends, mutual friends and family........ His family never had a nice word to say about her, and that makes me feel good.... Hes with me now, we have children..... shes history, in the past and long gone


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I would be furious if my husband brought up his past sex life and how good it was..... **** that!!!!! 

And how fabulous their life was...... Sounds like he still has feelings for her.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Oh sorry:/

That is hurtful.

Do you know if he still talks to her?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

melw74 said:


> I would be furious if my husband brought up his past sex life and how good it was..... **** that!!!!!
> 
> And how fabulous their life was...... Sounds like he still has feelings for her.


He says he hates her with a passion, and that she was a terrible wife to him. Then I asked him if she was all that then why bring her up in conversations with our friends. He says that people like it when he talks about it. But to be honest every time he talks about his ex it is always followed by dead silence and that's where it starts to feel weird and I do feel so ashamed. I sometimes feel like I can't face the people we talk to anymore.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

bkaydezz said:


> Oh sorry:/
> 
> That is hurtful.
> 
> Do you know if he still talks to her?


No he doesn't talk to her, but for some reason he talks alot of their memories together. We have been together a while now, but I guess our memories mean nothing to him.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Sounds like a power game for sure, and from a male's perspective he is seeking external validation. Most people will never stop doing that, but that audience and the means by which they do it change as their life changes. Couple things you can try:

-Do it right back to him. The fact that he does this so much suggests he lacks confidence to some degree, so test that out by talking about some of your own dating escapades in front of friends - he won't like it since it will hit where it hurts.

-If the above seems too mean, or you are feeling extra benevolent, there is probably some truth to the fact that he isn't getting the external validation he needs from you, and maybe he needs to experience that in public.

I would say I am fairly confident in my own skin. My wife fluctuates a lot on how often she complements me, and during dry spells, I become more sensitive to other ladies checking me out. I'd prefer that I get it from my wife, but if for whatever reason I don't, it makes me feel better that random people find me attractive.

Hope that helps - bottom line is he is masking insecurities.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

lotgirl said:


> He says he hates her with a passion, and that she was a terrible wife to him. Then I asked him if she was all that then why bring her up in conversations with our friends. He says that people like it when he talks about it. But to be honest every time he talks about his ex it is always followed by dead silence and that's where it starts to feel weird and I do feel so ashamed. I sometimes feel like I can't face the people we talk to anymore.


Why would people like it?.... I am sure they're not interested in his past life??.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

maverick23 said:


> Sounds like a power game for sure, and from a male's perspective he is seeking external validation. Most people will never stop doing that, but that audience and the means by which they do it change as their life changes. Couple things you can try:
> 
> -Do it right back to him. The fact that he does this so much suggests he lacks confidence to some degree, so test that out by talking about some of your own dating escapades in front of friends - he won't like it since it will hit where it hurts.
> 
> ...


I did do it back to him, and he got so angry and told me that he does not give a crap about my ex and that I better not ever bring him up ever again.

As for me not validating him, believe me I always do it, but it seems to me that it is not enough. I feel that he wants to feel like he's someone very special and always seems to want the attention to be focused on him. Like you I also believe that it is some kind of power thing with him.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

daffodilly said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What he is doing is disrespectful and hurtful and he very well knows this. It's some kind of sick power game. My exH was similar, he got off making me insecure. It's an awful temperament and a huge red flag.


That's exactly what I think too.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

melw74 said:


> Why would people like it?.... I am sure they're not interested in his past life??.[/QUOTE
> 
> That's what I say too, but he says people always have an interest in his life.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Narcissistic tendencies..?

Its to bad that he doesn't see you suffering over that.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

bkaydezz said:


> Narcissistic tendencies..?
> 
> Its to bad that he doesn't see you suffering over that.



That is what I have been told. He loves the attention he gets when he talks about himself and all his accomplishments. But the minute the topic gets to be about me he quickly changes that back to himself.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I've been through this with my STBW in a very similar way to what mel said. I never could bring myself to purposely bring up my past with my ex just to give her a taste of what it felt like. It did take a while, and several conversations to help her understand just how hurtful it was to me. We've worked through it and everything's all good now. 

It's often said that the past is the past, but part of that is leaving it there because when it's brought up, it's no longer in the past, but now part of the present.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> That is what I have been told. He loves the attention he gets when he talks about himself and all his accomplishments. But the minute the topic gets to be about me he quickly changes that back to himself.


This, along with the other behaviors you've described - People always have an interest in his life? Really? - lead me to think he has strong narcissistic tendencies. In which case, he may be continuing to do this, not because he doesn't understand it hurts your, but because he _does_ understand and he _likes_ that it hurts you. It fuels his feelings of importance to be able to treat you that way and make you feel low. 

Have you tried simply getting up and walking away when he starts talking about her?

And, have you ever talked to anyone who might have an impartial view of why their marriage ended? Someone other than him or people who might have only heard his side of it?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

:rofl:


Rowan said:


> This, along with the other behaviors you've described - People always have an interest in his life? Really? - lead me to think he has strong narcissistic tendencies. In which case, he may be continuing to do this, not because he doesn't understand it hurts your, but because he _does_ understand and he _likes_ that it hurts you. It fuels his feelings of importance to be able to treat you that way and make you feel low.
> 
> Have you tried simply getting up and walking away when he starts talking about her?
> 
> And, have you ever talked to anyone who might have an impartial view of why their marriage ended? Someone other than him or people who might have only heard his side of it?


I have walked away when he starts to talk about her, but when I do he ends up telling whomever he is talking to that it bothers me that he talks about her and sometimes people say there's nothing wrong with it.

I ended up going to see a counselor because not only does he talks about himself and about his past, he has made me believe that I am the one who is crazy and that I have a serious problem. My counselor told me that he is a narcissist and that no matter what I say that I cannot and most likely never will get through to him. Because in his eyes he is right and I am always wrong. He always feels that he is entitled to be treated better than others, if he feels that he is not treated right he will make sure that people know about it.

There used to be times when he talks about his other past relationships and one thing that I always hear is that the women he was with were the ones who messed up and that he never did anything wrong. It always seemed that the women in his life were all bad and wrong for him, and that he was always a "NICE" guy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What is he saying about her?

I have an ex- that was very influential in my life but more than that, he was an absolute character. Telling stories about him is almost to the point of folklore. But it is never met with silence.

That said, I rarely bring up my ex-H. In part he isn't as interesting, but I was married to him and that invites a different level of comparison.

I suspect your husband is telling you they did things that he really did. Truly nice guys wouldn't be talking about them in the first place.

I don't see anything wrong with you talking about your exes. The only thing you do by allowing his anger to stop you is show him that you can be bullied.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

May I ask why you married him in the first place? I'm going to harbor a guess that he didn't suddenly start talking about his ex right after you got married. Did you have a very brief relationship before you married?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband was married before me, so it's natural that to a degree, things will come up *very* occasionally where he will reference when "we" went X Y or Z.

The difference is it's only ever in passing and is very rare. He had a life before me, they had a child together, to expect him to never mention her or anything that they did during that time is crazy.

What your husband is doing though, is beyond the pale. It really is. Wow.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

daffodilly said:


> May I ask why you married him in the first place? I'm going to harbor a guess that he didn't suddenly start talking about his ex right after you got married. Did you have a very brief relationship before you married?


I married him because it seemed like he wanted the same things I wanted. We would talk about what we wanted in a partner. I guess he knew the right things to say.

We were together over a year before we got married. I have to say that he did start talking about his past life with his ex wife and others about 3-4 months after we got married.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

frusdil said:


> My husband was married before me, so it's natural that to a degree, things will come up *very* occasionally where he will reference when "we" went X Y or Z.
> 
> The difference is it's only ever in passing and is very rare. He had a life before me, they had a child together, to expect him to never mention her or anything that they did during that time is crazy.
> 
> What your husband is doing though, is beyond the pale. It really is. Wow.


Yes I get that. But they never had any kids together and according to him he truly can't stand her and says he hates her, he also says that he is glad he left her. He was married to her for 10 years but according to him life was hell for him all of those 10 years. So if that was the case then there is no reason to bring her up in conversations.

I also have an ex husband and do have kids, but not once did I ever feel the need to speak of him and our memories in the presence of my present husband when we're with other people every time. Whatever is in my past stays there, for me it has no place in my present relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, he's a narcissist. He won't ever change. He will always be the one who is right. You will always be the one who is wrong. He will never, ever, change.

Do you really want to live with this for the rest of your life?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would find this super annoying and disrespectful.

With that said:



lotgirl said:


> We were together over a year before we got married. I have to say that he did start talking about his past life with his ex wife and others *about 3-4 months after we got married*.


This is truly strange. It's odd that he never did this BEFORE you were married. Or did he and you ignored it as a red flag? If he did, then you know what we are going to say. If he didn't, I would seriously call him out on it and consider not even dealing with this. It's weird if he just randomly stated doing it. I'd ask him why. 

How long had you been dating before marriage? How long was he split from ex before you got together?

I once dated a guy who would not STFU about his ex and this is exactly why we stopped dating. 

Because it was very clear that:



Hope1964 said:


> He isn't over her, sounds like to me.


Exactly. I think Hope nailed it. That is how it comes across.



lotgirl said:


> Yes I get that. But they never had any kids together and according to him he truly can't stand her and says he hates her, he also says that he is glad he left her. He was married to her for 10 years but according to him life was hell for him all of those 10 years. So* if that was the case then there is no reason to bring her up* in conversations.


You're right. IF that were the case. But I hope you don't actually believe what he is saying about her being so evil. Because if he truly hated her and truly couldn't stand her and she truly made his life a living hell, he would not have spent nearly a decade with her. Especially when he sings her praises as much as you say he does.

Also, be wary of the man who never has a kind word to say bout his ex to you. That is a HUGE red flag. One day he will talk about YOU the exact same way. It is written somewhere. And it's true. 

It just sounds like he never got over her. His saying how mean she was to him is prob just a defense mechanism/self-protection/due to the fact he hasn't dealt with the fact he is still broken-hearted and/or still carries a torch for her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> worse than what he is doing... is what it represents... he is pining for his EX..reliving memories ....you don't go on talking about someone all the time if you aren't THINKING of them.
> 
> I am guessing SHE broke up with him .... and he's never really gotten over this woman? Does anyone want to feel 2nd fiddle to an old flame.....And if he throws it back in your face calling you Jealous..


:iagree:



lotgirl said:


> I have thought about leaving him. According to him he was the one who divorced her because of her indiscretions, but I am beginning to think that he is not telling the whole truth about it. *He talks like he never did any wrong, all her fault. *


*Major red flag. Massive.
*



lotgirl said:


> He brings up the good times they had together, the houses they had together, pretty much everything when they were together.* Even their sex life too*.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> OP, he's a narcissist. He won't ever change. He will always bet he one who is right. You will always be the one who is wrong. He will never, ever, change.
> 
> Do you really want to live with this for the rest of your life?


Honestly no I don't want to live with that for the rest of my life. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until my counselor brought it up and explained it to me.

I guess I am hoping that it will get better, but I don't see that happening. He says that he will change, and he does for a few days, but then he goes right back to making me feel low, telling me to let him do whatever he wants on the cell phone that i let him use, and oh yes always telling me that he doesn't give a f*** what I think.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Jellybeans;8976874]I would find this super annoying and disrespectful.

With that said:



This is truly strange. It's odd that he never did this BEFORE you were married. Or did he and you ignored it as a red flag? If he did, then you know what we are going to say. If he didn't, I would seriously call him out on it and consider not even dealing with this. It's weird if he just randomly stated doing it. I'd ask him why.

*He did mention her once before we got married but it was just about how she treated him badly. I didn't think there was anything to it since I also shared with him about my previous marriage. No more after that. When he started talking more about their memories, I did call him out on it, at first he seemed to understand how I felt, but then he would still bring her up with people that we know and would just go on and on about his memories with her. No one even asked about his ex he would just start to talk about it on his own. Now he says that I need to get over myself and stop complaining about it.*

How long had you been dating before marriage? *Over a year*

How long was he split from ex before you got together?
*About 5-6 years*


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So what are you going to do about this?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> So what are you going to do about this?


I am seriously going to leave him. I have started to make plans on doing this. There are actually other problems in this marriage. The reliving his memories with his ex is just one of many.

I believe he abuses me mentally and emotionally too.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No chance of giving him an ultimatum on counseling and your boundaries?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> No chance of giving him an ultimatum on counseling and your boundaries?


Believe me I have given him ultimatums through out our marriage, I have set boundaries and made compromises, and he agrees to them, but then he tells me that they are all bs and that he doesn't need to agree to them. We have gone through counseling and that lasted a month. He did not like it when our counselor told him that he needed to make a choice between our marriage or his computer usage. He also did not like it when he was told that our marriage just seemed to be more of a room mate type of thing than a real marriage. He was told that people get married to spend time together and to make each other happy. Not to go off and do our own thing. He felt that the counselor was not very understanding of him. He said that he would look for another counselor, but that was months ago, I asked him about it and now he says that since when does he ever have the time to do it, he's just too busy for that. 

My guess is he does not want to deal with our problems and he most definitely does not want to change, because according to him he is not the problem, the problem is pretty much all me.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Also I remember him, telling me that his ex used to get mad whenever he used the phone to call his friends, which were mainly women, he hated it when I guess she started to screen his calls, so what he did was secretly went behind her back and got a cell phone to call these women. I am thinking that maybe these were women she didn't even know. I guess that's really saying a lot about who he really is.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

OK. What's your plan? What do you need to get into place?


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

lotgirl said:


> He brings up the good times they had together, the houses they had together, pretty much everything when they were together. Even their sex life too.


He really loves to torture you, doesn't he?

The reason you don't do it is because _you love and respect him_. I bet it hasn't even crossed your mind to do this to him because you know its rude, humiliating and hurtful - and shows a deep lack of respect for how this all impacts you.

Lotgirl, he's treating you awful. You've tried counseling with him and he doesn't want to hear the truth. I'm surprised you've put up with this treatment for so long.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> OK. What's your plan? What do you need to get into place?


I have actually talked to family members for help. I will be able to have a place to go to. Then I'm seeing a lawyer about divorce.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> He really loves to torture you, doesn't he?
> 
> The reason you don't do it is because _you love and respect him_. I bet it hasn't even crossed your mind to do this to him because you know its rude, humiliating and hurtful - and shows a deep lack of respect for how this all impacts you.
> 
> Lotgirl, he's treating you awful. You've tried counseling with him and he doesn't want to hear the truth. I'm surprised you've put up with this treatment for so long.


I believe that he does. Yes I do respect and loved him that is why I do not do it to him and that is just not in me to begin with. I deserve far better and do not deserve to be treated with great disrespect. I am also tired that he has all the time in the world to talk to and help out other women with their personal problems, but when it comes to me he tells me that he can't help me. We can be together the entire day and he never says much to me, but as soon as another woman speaks to him he will drop everything and give them the time of day and I'm his wife and I have to beg for some quality time with him which he says he does not have time for.

So he can help all these other women all he wants with their petty problems, because I am so outta here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lotgirl said:


> I believe that he does. Yes I do respect and loved him that is why I do not do it to him and that is just not in me to begin with. I deserve far better and do not deserve to be treated with great disrespect. I am also tired that he has all the time in the world to talk to and help out other women with their personal problems, but when it comes to me he tells me that he can't help me. We can be together the entire day and he never says much to me, but as soon as another woman speaks to him he will drop everything and give them the time of day and I'm his wife and I have to beg for some quality time with him which he says he does not have time for.
> 
> So he can help all these other women all he wants with their petty problems, because I am so outta here.


Was he like this when you were dating? Or were you with him enough to know what he did when you were not together?

Him being at the beck and call of other women is a bad sign, huge red flag.

He is either a 'kisa' (knight in shinning armor), is cheating or both.

This behavior of his is also a huge put down to you.

Do you even know these other women?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Was he like this when you were dating? Or were you with him enough to know what he did when you were not together?
> 
> Him being at the beck and call of other women is a bad sign, huge red flag.
> 
> ...


No he did not that when we were dating. I don't understand why he does this, and every time I say that his shoulder is not for them to cry on, he gets angry and says that I am being jealous and I need to grow up. These women I do not know them, their problems are that they're in the process of getting a divorce and just need to talk about it with someone, I even told him that if they are having problems then they need to seek out some counseling professionally. I told him he has no business talking with them about their problems.

I believe that he is used to being with women that have problems, such as drug and alcohol problems, he feels that they need him to fix it for them. I don't have such problems so I guess he can't fix me the way he wants to.

I believe he is used to controlling people. I don't need to be fixed so I guess he doesn't like that he cannot control me completely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a man spends time with a woman, it's because he was sex with her. If you do not believe me as them men around here. Your husband doing the KISA thing to pick up on women. He is at least having emotional affairs with these women... it could be more.

The reason that he tells that you are jealous, etc. is that you likes having you and then having other women to meet more of his needs. That's what affair (emotion as well as physical) are about. 

I'm glad that you are leaving him because it seems that he had no intent to stop this nonsense.

Does he know that you are leaving?


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When a man spends time with a woman, it's because he was sex with her. If you do not believe me as them men around here. Your husband doing the KISA thing to pick up on women. He is at least having emotional affairs with these women... it could be more.
> 
> The reason that he tells that you are jealous, etc. is that you likes having you and then having other women to meet more of his needs. That's what affair (emotion as well as physical) are about.
> 
> ...


He doesn't have sex with them. He spends a lot of time outside our front porch, when they see him they stop by and start talking, and when I come outside to see what they are talking about, these women give me dirty looks, as if they want me to go back inside, but I don't.

I have told him a few times that if he keeps it up that I will leave. I have also told him that I will be leaving, I am just getting my things together and now he's acting all nice and loving, but I don't buy it. I'm done with his pathetic sorry self. He can have all these women who have all these problems and seem to be so freaking needy. I am a strong, beautiful woman who knows what the heck I want, and it sure is not a self absorbed, selfish, pathetic loser who still thinks he's 20 something.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I agree with your counselor and the others that said he is a narcissist.

These other women are his "narcissistic harem". His "helping them" is really just a cover for the fact that he needs them around to tell him how smart, how charming, helpful he is and boost his ego. They are not people, they are appliances to him as you are to him. 

I'm betting your courtship was a wonderful one. You were still unobtainable then - before walking down the aisle that is. When you weren't fully "his" you had a novelty about you. You were a very good source of narcissistic supply before he "conquered" you. During the thrill of the chase, he likely put you on a pedestal and just being with you boosted his ego. 

Once the wedding waltz was over, the novelty wore off. Now you're like an old pair of sneakers. He doesn't mind trudging through the dirt with you or stepping in puddles. * In fact, that's why you're still there.* We all have that old pair of shoes that we wear to do our dirty work in or take camping. When they were new, we wouldn't have dreamed of treating those shoes like that.

He will never let those other women go whether he is with you or married to someone else. They put a band-aid on the void he feels within himself. It is something you will never be able to fill and unless he recognizes it, he will never be able to heal. MOST narcissists never change even though MOST know on some level that they're broken. 

His mistreatment of you also has nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter if he's with you, his ex-wife or the lady he is with after you, eventually they too will just become like that old pair of sneakers.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He wants to have sex with them. Not having it doesn't change the underlying desire.

You knew all this and stayed.

Your job is to figure out why do you don't make the same mistake in the future.

Since you have begun to form your exit strategy you are ready to begin work on yourself. No more thinking about what he did but instead what you did.

It'll be fun. ;-)


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> He wants to have sex with them. Not having it doesn't change the underlying desire.
> 
> You knew all this and stayed.
> 
> ...


Yes i do need to figure out why i put up with so much, but then again it is my belief that i as a wife will make every effort to work things out. At least i know that i fought real hard to do everything in my power to save my marriage, but sadly in the end it seems like it was all for nothing.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I agree with your counselor and the others that said he is a narcissist.
> 
> These other women are his "narcissistic harem". His "helping them" is really just a cover for the fact that he needs them around to tell him how smart, how charming, helpful he is and boost his ego. They are not people, they are appliances to him as you are to him.
> 
> ...


Yes you are right. I feel so drained and feel like I don't matter to him.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Is also part of a narcissists way to minimize everything you say?

For example, someone talks to them about the problem, but in a nice calm way, not in an argumentative way. They acknowledge it and say they will not do it again. But it still happens again, so over time their other half gets upset because it has happened for the umpteenth time and of course they let them they're upset about it. But then they turn around and start saying that everything their other half says is petty and trivial and it is a bunch of BS. 

Is this also part of how they think by minimizing what another says?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lotgirl said:


> Is also part of a narcissists way to minimize everything you say?
> 
> For example, someone talks to them about the problem, but in a nice calm way, not in an argumentative way. They acknowledge it and say they will not do it again. But it still happens again, so over time their other half gets upset because it has happened for the umpteenth time and of course they let them they're upset about it. But then they turn around and start saying that everything their other half says is petty and trivial and it is a bunch of BS.
> 
> Is this also part of how they think by minimizing what another says?


Yes.

Nothing you ever say is going to be important to him unless it's a reinforcement of what he already believes. He may agree with you, but he'll go right back to doing what he wants to do. Because nothing you say, need, want, feel, or believe is as important as what he thinks or wants.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm kind of late to the party, but I'll reiterate that yes it's disrespectful.

It's disrespectful on multiple levels.

1. It's the action itself. To constantly bring up an ex....why? My wife and I both do the same thing, let's say we're in a conversation where it actually is appropriate, more so of an experience or situation that happened to you for example, we'll say things like 
"I knew someone who...."
"I was in a relationship where...." 
We never actually bring up the ex because we're talking about ourselves. There's no reason to bring up a specific ex.

Secondly his response to your concerns are even more disrespectful. When one partner brings up something that bothers them, the FIRST thing the other partner should do is 1. Listen without defense and 2. look to see the problem from the other person's perspective. It's hard to be dismissive when you start with those 2 steps.


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## lotgirl (May 23, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm kind of late to the party, but I'll reiterate that yes it's disrespectful.
> 
> It's disrespectful on multiple levels.
> 
> ...


The way his conversations start out is always "My ex wife and I..."

When I voice my concerns about what bothers me. He always says what about what bothers him or he say things like I'm too sensitive, or say how dare I try to make him feel bad, etc..

He never tries to see anything from my perspective. Or he'll say he sees what I'm getting at, but I just need to chill out and stop talking about stupid trivial stuff.


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