# Young and Dumb



## lavendervanilla (May 26, 2012)

I am 23 and have been married for a little over 3 years.

I met my Husband online and then came to the U.S. as an exchange student when the initial family I was placed with didn't work out I was told I had to find a place to go or would be sent back home. My Husband and his family were the only people I knew of and they allowed me to finish the year out there. Of course things with my Husband were good... Not great though... I don't think they ever have been. Anyhow I returned to my home country and we planned for me to visit 8 months later. Both of us were supposed to work to achieve this, he did nothing. I looked over his lack of effort, motivation and just his general attitude to the situation as thought he didn't care. I came over in November as was supposed to return in Feb however Visa was extended. I REALLY loved him however, I am not sure he ever has loved me not as a partner in life only a friend. We got married and I stayed in America. We lived with his parents for 2 years and I had to push him to get a job to help us save money to buy our own home. A week before we were to sign a contract on our house he was laid off however, the bank approved the loan based on just me. For an entire year he didn't work or look for a job, absolutely NO effort. Any jobs that were applied for were done so by me and when he was called for an interview he wouldn't go. He has absolutely no desire to better himself as a person or our lives together. In the year he wasn't working I was forced to to find second jobs and eventually was able to find a better job with much better pay all the while going to college as well. Even when he wasn't working he still did nothing at the house I would have to come home and clean and cook for him. He never wanted to go out with me or meet my friends as he doesn't have many. It wasn't until the middle of the year he wasn't working that I started to resent him and it has all been downhill from there. I feel like he has issues that he should see someone about but he refuses even if it might help us. This is all very brief but the general idea is that I feel like I am the only thing that has ever held this relationship together if at any point I had given up it would have been over he would NOT fight for it. I feel like I am dragging him along and at the same time I am missing out on the life that a 23 year old should be having. I do love him but not in the same way anymore. 

I am here because I just spent a week away from home and I didn't even miss him and I dreaded coming home to him. Needless to say when I got home nothing around the house has been done. He thinks because he now has a job I should be happy but I think that the last few years have just drained me and I have nothing left to give him. 

I'm at the point that I want someone who loves me who will do the small things for me in life and want to be near me. Not someone who goes to work, then to the bar and then home to me (he doesn't get drunk). He tries to keep his new work friends totally separate from me.

I know I want to leave but I am worried about how he will do everything he doesn't know how to pay bills or balance a checkbook and I am worried that me leaving him would be a hit to his self confidence which he is only starting to develop. But I don't know how long I can keep going without messing myself up any more. I'm also scared that there is no one out there for me and I don't want to be alone.... I have no family in this country so if or when I leave him I will be completely alone. I would go home however, I am in such a great position here with work and school to go back home and start over would be extremely difficult. 

I am so lost. I need advice from someone and I have no one to talk to here so I am asking here to see if someone can give me the advice I need.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

lavendervanilla said:


> I'm at the point that I want someone who loves me who will do the small things for me in life and want to be near me.





lavendervanilla said:


> I know I want to leave but I am worried about how he will do everything he doesn't know how to pay bills or balance a checkbook and I am worried that me leaving him would be a hit to his self confidence which he is only starting to develop. But I don't know how long I can keep going without messing myself up any more.





lavendervanilla said:


> I'm also scared that there is no one out there for me and I don't want to be alone.... I have no family in this country so if or when I leave him I will be completely alone. I would go home however, I am in such a great position here with work and school to go back home and start over would be extremely difficult.


Sit down and work out a few things for yourself:

*1. To set standards in your life*
In the first paragraph I quoted, you state what you want from the man in your life. The thing you have to do is stop wanting and start expecting. When you don't have standards, then you end up however you end up, as has happened to you now. You pursued a relationship with a ne'erdowell and are now utterly displeased that he's a ne'erdowell. But, he never fooled you into thinking he was anything else or anyone other than himself. So, ask yourself why you pursued him. Don't say "because I loved him." There had to be a real reason because love was just one-sided. "For Love" is seldom the reason for anything, and you should not allow it to be your motivation. It's just the scapegoat reason. It's a cop out we give ourselves when we don't want to look deep down to examine our real motivations because what is real is too hard to accept. So, ask yourself that question, and don't let yourself off the hook with superficial answers.

That self examination will place you on the road to self discovery and will help you arrive at the standards you need to set in your life. You should set standards so you don't go through life doing whatever whenever. Standards are vital for personal growth and achievement and serve to guide you so you live life purposefully, rather than capriciously. Standards also guide you through the tough times - the times when it seems much easier to rely on emotions - because the standards you set are borne of your logical and moral self. They help you make the hard decisions when your emotions would rather lead you down a deadend road or will have you doing unethical things you know you don't want to do.

You've already begun setting standards even if you didn't realize it. For example, you know you want to achieve success and higher standard of living, and that's the reason you pursue higher education and apply for better jobs. You alo know some of the things you want from your guy and realize how important and comducive those qualities are to a happy, healthy, and successful relationship/marriage. So, it wouldn't make sense to hook up with the same type of guy, would it? That's where some people go wrong. They fall in love with someone just because they met the person, or just because that person showed interest in them, or just because that person gave them some attention......making the same mistakes over and over because they have no standards to guide them. Standards will help you learn to be discerning and selective.

Some of the standards when dating I set for myself were: I won't be with (or stay with) anyone who mistreats me. I won't date a married man. I won't date any more engineers. I won't date someone younger than myself. And there were several others. Like I said, standards are borne of your logical and moral self, which makes them hard to live up to sometimes. I met guys who were married and even though I was attracted to them and liked their attention, I knew there was no way I would get with a married man because I'd already set that standard for myself. Another example is a guy I'd known and loved literally all my life who became abusive after I moved in with him. It was shocking, hurtful, and confusing, and I wondered where it all came from. I only stayed with him 3 months when I realized it didn't matter why he was abusive. The only thing that mattered was that he was abusive and I didn't like it, so I left despite how much I loved him. I refuse to tolerate being mistreated, and that is where making the hard decisions comes in. Standards are the rules by which you live your life and the boundaries you will not allow others to cross. What you will and will not do and what you will and will not tolerate are the decisions you must make. Those are your standards for living.

*2: To create a plan*
You are disillusioned with your marriage and your husband and know you cannot allow him to hold you back from achieving your goals or from living up to your own standards. At this point, however, you are holding yourself back by being overly concerned for his well being. He is not A child, nor is he YOUR child. You cannot expect to have to hold his hand through life, nor fear he cannot make it without you, nor support a grown man who wants nothing, wants to achieve nothing, and doesn't want to do anything. If parents are not careful, they find themselves still raising their children through adulthood. But like I said, your husband is not your child. If his parents failed to prepare him for independence, that is not your problem and certainly no reason for you to stay in the marriage with a ne'erdowell.

If you are apt to be so overly concerned about him, then create and execute your exit strategy. Among other things, your plan will include a time frame and date set to leave. It will include a financial plan so you know how much money you need to have saved in the interim. It will include looking into apartments or a house to rent. It will include teaching your husband how to do the various things he needs to learn, such as maintaining a checking account, paying bills, washing his clothes, and so on. If he refuses to learn these things, then that is his problem and no reason for you stay for his sake. You don't have to tell him your plan or why you want him to learn how to do stuff. Just try to engage him but don't push.

*3. To face your fears*
I mentioned some of the standards I set for myself when dating but neglected to mention any general ones I set for living my life. There are several of those too, and one of them is: something is not better than nothing. I'd rather have nothing at all if the alternative is something I don't want and refuse to tolerate, and leaving an abusive guy is a good example. I certainly didn't have another boyfriend waiting in the wings and definately wasn't going to put up with mistreatment just because having him was better than being alone. Because something is NOT better than nothing, I was perfectly happy to be alone since what I had was just a jerk who didn't appreciate me.

Although I had no fear of being alone, you will weigh the alternative and your options when you sit down and think about it. You'll realize how wrong you are to think you'll be alone when you remember the friends you have and those you will make. You might feel friends and associates are not family and are not people who care about you, but then you will remember you don't have family (not much in him) or anyone who cares right now. You married this guy, but he's not what you hoped he would be, so what familial connection is there? Ask yourself "Is something better than nothing?" What have you to fear?

In the very least, just give it a try. If you find living here by yourself to be unbearable, then go back to your home country and start over, which also is not a terrible thing to do. Many people who are much older than you start over, and many people start over several times in their life. There are millions of all ages who have started over in just the past 4 or 5 years. 

Think of your fears in logical terms, and you'll find yourself wondering what there was to be afraid of in the first place. Facing your fears is to act in your own best interest despite being afraid. That way, you don't allow your fears to hold you back. What is the likelihood you will never meet another man? You know the answer is "very unlikely." You met this man and there are billions of other men, so there is a very great likelihood you will find love again. Being afraid you won't doesn't mean you won't. It doesn't mean your fear is true. You are not so afraid of the unknown that you never took classes or never found a job, much less a better job. Therefore, being afraid of the unknown cannot be the reason you hold yourself back in other areas of life. You never knew in advance if anyone would hire you. You did those things anyway, so do this too. Do it for you.


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## lavendervanilla (May 26, 2012)

I appreciate your response and I apologise for not acknowledging it sooner. To be honest I don't know how to acknowledge it.

I'm so torn one day I want to leave and the next I couldn't bare the thought of doing that to him. I feel like I need to say that he is a very good person he just has his own issues that he should have dealt with before getting married. I believe he has some sort of anxiety disorder or something which makes it difficult for him to be in situations where there are a lot of people or if he has to go out of his comfort zone which is rather small. That's not to say he isn't lazy because I suppose he really is. He uses the anxiety as an excuse for everything.

Whilst I'm not totally miserable with him there is a lot I don't like and I do feel as though we probably will divorce.... one day I just don't know when. Sometimes I think we might as well do it now and other times wemight as well wait it out and see..

Then sometimes I wonder if we just married too soon, because i know we could be good for each other. However, neitherof us have ever been with anyone else in any way shape or form.... This is our first kiss, sexual encounter, relationship etc etc

I had a crappy childhood, I don't let it rule me but I do feel like I have always HAD to have someone around. My Husband helped me with this a lot. Now I feel like I am becoming my own person and I want to know what it's like to live alone and independently of anything else, in the same sentence it does scare me. The thought of going out and getting this all over with then realising I wanted what I had and not being able to get it back is terrifying. What if I leave and realise he is everything I ever wanted and I just can't see that now because I don't know what else is out there? 

I have two options stay and always wonder or leave and maybe regret it for the rest of my life... 

I can't honestly say what I want or set the standards because I really don't know.

I feel either way I need to get him involved in finances because should something else ever happen to me I would want to know he would be ok.

I really do care about him.


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## lavendervanilla (May 26, 2012)

Any further input would be appreciated. 

I have tried talking to him and he doesn't see that there is even a problem. He thinks that everything is just fine and that everything form the past should be forgiven because he now how has a job, however, I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When is he going to lose this job and how long will it take to fix the next mess.... 

He really doesn't say much in our conversations just regurgitates anything I say and adds on very little. Most of what he adds on you would expect from a 6 year old. When I ask him how he is feeling about the fact that I have considered a divorce he just says it "doesn't feel good" "sad" "bad" there is no true thoughts to it. 

I tell him that I know I am not feeling this way all because of him and that I know that there are things I have messed up but we can't discuss those until I know what they are. He says the only thing he can think of is that I get upset when he goes out with one of his 3 friends. Which is true to an extent. I USED to get very upset when he would leave especially when living with his parents. I didn't want to stay there alone and I didn't have any friends I still don't... But I always found it weird that he would never be willing to do anything with me but he would go out with them.

Which opens up two whole other issues.... Just recently when he started working he met a few guys that he will go to the bar with. Every now and then not ALL the time I would ask if I could join him for a drink and meet the people that he was hanging out with. Which I don't believe is weird considering the times I asked were when he was at one of their houses and the other guys had their partners over too. The one time I called and he said he was having a great time. I had just gotten off work and offered to take over a pizza and he said no way. I was like well I can just come over and immediatly everything changed he wanted to leave, said he wasn't having a good time and there was too many kids there. I agreed it wasn't a good idea and said that I was going to go home and do something else as soon as I said that he decided he wanted to stay there longer and would be home later. The next time he went over there he MADE me go with him and his friends treated me like I was a snob saying it was about time I came around and met them and telling me they had always told my Husband to invite me. Is there not a problem with this?

Then the whole me not having any friends... It's hard to meet people in a country you aren't used to and I am afraid of meeting people for at least two reasons... One if you read this site anyone that goes out seeking another relationship is automatically assumed to be having an EA or PA which is not the case I just need people to hang out with and unfortunately for me I have never really gotten along well with females and TWO at this point with me being so miserable I do think it might be possible for me to fall into either one of those two things and that terrifies me because I do care about him and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.

I really need advice I know I am young and I know I should have looked for it before I got married and I didn't so I am trying to do the right thing now...

I don't want to live in a marriage that doesn't work just because but I also don't know if I can give up so easily.


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