# For the first time ever



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Since DH and I have been married, his parents are really starting to make me mad. I'm getting so mad, it's eating me inside!

The bulk of the issue is due to the fact that his parents make it plain as day that they don't respect our choices. They don't respect the fact that we chose not to live close to them, that I am pursuing another degree, that we live in the city we do, have the jobs we have, entertain ourselves the way we do, etc. The other reason it bothers me is because I see how it affects my husband and it's clear that there's some favoritism going on.

I at first denied it because I don't want to one of those people who claims favoritism card from the get go, but the truth is IL's favor their other child. DH's sibling makes a lot of money, has a house, already has a child, etc. and has been married for a shorter amount of time. The thing is, DH's sibling is really humble about it but the way IL's compare them indirectly and ever so subtle makes it worse.

I think the worst advice we're received from IL's is how we should forget everything we have where we are and get low wage jobs where they live, just so we can live by them. Apparently it will be "cheaper" even though DH and I have done a cost analysis. I've also looked for jobs over there just to humor them and there are hardly any jobs. In fact, where we live now has a job growth higher than the nation, and I've been able to get interviews and apply to jobs through networking that I wouldn't be able to get where ILs live.

I know what you might say-- ignore them, don't tell them too much about your life details, etc. We've done those things and they worked...for a short time. But now it's just starting to bother me, more so because FIL always, always, _always_ has something negative to say and counter everything we have and say-- yet FIL never has anything factual to back his statements up! UGH

Don't get me wrong, I love my in laws and for the most part we get along great. But DH and I were having a serious discussion about this the other night and we both agree that his parents clearly don't respect our decisions and we need to deal with it promptly and in a respectful way. Now, how to do that is the difficult part without getting defensive (which obviously didn't work), angry (just reinforced their views), or passive-aggressive (FIL knows how to sling it back). 

Any ideas?


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Wow over 100 views and no takers?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Just keep playing the old stalling game and do nothing about it.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I don't know what you mean. Stalling? What are we stalling about?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> I don't know what you mean. Stalling? What are we stalling about?


Sorry I was not clearer.

By Stalling I meant. 
Don't ever say no to the in-laws.

If they ask when are you getting that job in their city, tell them next month. Don't change that answer. Just keep saying next month everytime they ask.

At some point of point they will get frustrated enough to give up....or enough time has passed by that it no longer matters.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> Don't get me wrong, I love my in laws and for the most part we get along great. But DH and I were having a serious discussion about this the other night and we both agree that his parents clearly don't respect our decisions and we need to deal with it promptly and in a respectful way. Now, how to do that is the difficult part without getting defensive (which obviously didn't work), angry (just reinforced their views), or passive-aggressive (FIL knows how to sling it back).
> 
> Any ideas?


Well, the good news is that your DH is on-board and in agreement with you that there is a problem with how the in-laws are treating you both, and that there needs to be prompt, respectful action regarding this issue. That is more than half the battle.

You can't make them respect you or change their view-point. Mostly, you and DH need to map out a plan on how you will chose to handle/react to the in-laws.

If this were me and my DH, I think I would work out a tiered approach.

Level 1: Have DH approach his parents, alone. Let them know that both of you enjoy your relationship with them, except for one issue. He does not appreciate the criticism. He and you are both happy that they would like you to live closer, but you have discussed it and it is best for your future to live in the city. He and you consider this to be a case closed and you both would appreciate it if they would stop bringing it up.

Basically- have your DH let them know that you BOTH are done having this conversation and that neither of you wish for this to be an issue in the future. You value their relationship too much.

There is no argument to made, it is just him laying out your requests as a couple.

Level 2: If this doesn't work, the next level of escalation is to have some automatic, non-inflammatory responses from both of you:
"We'll take this under consideration." End of discussion.
"We appreciate your concern." End of discussion.
"We really would rather discuss something else. Let's enjoy the time we have together." 
"It is very unpleasant to be consistently criticized. Let's agree to disagree. It is important to us that we all have a good relationship, so let's switch gears here to keep things on the upside."

Level 3: If you get to this point, you begin to actually reduce time together/time communicating. 

The main points:
1. Make sure your DH is truly on-board and in agreement with you. 
2. Since they are DH's parents, he should be the person to address them in private first.
3. Be prepared to leave the room, end a phone conversation, leave the house, etc. if his parents escalate. Guard your boundaries. This is a lot easier if you have a game plan ahead of time.
4. Very important: Refuse to fight. DO NOT engage in a fight. #3 will make this possible.

Be prepared that you and DH might need to cut them or drastically reduce your time spent with them, hopefully only for a short period of time. You kind of have to re-train them, and be very, very clear on what you will and will not tolerate. 

Good luck!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I would think, with you not living in the same city as the parents, that it would be fairly easy to just let things roll off your back. You know that your life choices are the right ones for you and your H, so don't worry about convincing the in-laws - you really never will, anyway.

If they bring up stuff, just say you really don't want to talk about it and change the subject. Or let your H talk to them and don't get involved.

Trying to prove to them that they're wrong, with facts, is useless. It only serves to frustrate you.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I agree, trying to prove them wrong has shown to be frustrating and useless. It's also insulting, but I'm kind of feeding it too.

I talked to DH about this and while he is in agreement about it being a problem, he isn't comfortable with standing up to his parents. Yet. So as of now, I won't get involved.


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