# Reconciliation-Losing The Love



## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

I'm in R, we've been married for 3 years with no kids. He had EA for 1 month with junior coworker. 
I moved out of our place for 7 weeks and he begged me to come back. I chose R partly because of my strict religious upbringing, I'm not a very religious person but I know that I'll feel guilt if I didn't try to salvage this marriage.

He seems to be doing very well now and has moved to a new job but I can't get over his mean words and disgusting attitudes to me during his affair. Not only the lies, he also accused me of treating him like a piggy bank and was very stingy about money (even about grocery) while he wined and dined ow at posh restaurant which cost almost 300 per visit. He claims over and over again that he was being nasty to me because deep down he knew what he was doing was wrong so he lashed out and tried to find reasons which didn't make sense to justified his actions.

I've been trying really hard the past few months but can't bring myself to love and trust him again. We haven't been intimate since R because I just can't. We sleep in the same bed but I'm very conscious about boundaries and told him that I don't want to be hugged or touched unless I agreed to. This seems to frustrates him quite a bit. Even going to MC seems pointless. I do admit that one of the biggest reason I'm staying is because I'm still finishing my master degree and divorcing now will costs me a lot, something that I can't afford. Even now with my part time job I still can't afford everything on my own because London is very expensive. Please advice, can the L word back again after an affair ?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

While personally I did not even try R with my LTgf nor think I ever would if I found myself in a similar situation with a WS.....I can only say based on what others have posted that yes it can come back....

But based on my experience, I would add to that....”only if you truly want it to.”

Maybe cheating is simply a dealbreaker for you.....believe me, I get it.

That said, if it is a dealbreaker for you, there is NO excuse for stringing him along for financial support.....

Do both of you a favor and end it ASAP when you realize this is something you will never move past.

He is a cheating dirtbag, and you are justified if you do not want to R with a person who could do that.

But do not add any truth/reality to his garbage justification of you treating him as a ‘piggy bank’ by doing exactly that by pretending to be trying to R just to pay for finishing your education, knowing full well you will kick him to the curb as soon as you graduate.

If you are done....BE DONE.

One last thing......based on others who HAVE eventually been able to R, it is common that those feelings do not come back right away.

How long ago was DDay and how long have you been in R?

It might just bee too soon.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I don't see much hope here. You are staying out of guilt and finances, not because of love and a desire to be his partner for the rest of your lives.

I am in a marriage that is reconciled after cheating - but our situation is very different. We have never fought and slept in different beds, we have always remained intimate. BOTH of us wanted reconciliation, and we're willing to put in the hard work that it needed to make that happen.

If you can't even hug him, I can't imagine how you will spend the rest of your life with him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You seem to be focused on money. You seem more upset that took his AP to lavish, expensive dinners than you do because he was emotionally involved with another.

You seem more willing to stay with him so you can finish your degree than wanting to stay for working on the marriage.

Did you ever feel that he was the man you wanted to spend your life with? Or was he just a convenience? Did he only fit into your life as a person to make it easier to get your education?

Your R seems like it is based on all the wrong reasons.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

How convenient. Staying (just to milk economically the guy), as a disguise of trying to reconcile. If you don't really love him anymore, why don't you just do the right thing and leave him now?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I understand a person with children, feeling the responsibility of keeping their lives the same, not wanting to divorce for financial reasons.

In your case, there are no children. No one to feel an extra obligation to. You are using him for $. The right thing to do is to divorce him and pay your own way, since you are single and able.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

I hope your independence grows from this experience and from your education. You did nothing to deserve this and your spouse is an entitled pos. I have been thru similar and am unsure if it EVER comes back. Can you accept the status quo, a loveless marriage? Plenty of them exist. Wish you the best.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bluelily said:


> . I do admit that one of the biggest reason I'm staying is because I'm still finishing my master degree and divorcing now will costs me a lot, something that I can't afford. Even now with my part time job I still can't afford everything on my own because London is very expensive.


So in a sense he was right, he is a piggy bank to you.

Not everyone can love and feel safe with someone who cheats. That is a risk the cheater takes when they cheat.

There really is no minimum time requirement the BS is obligated to try nor is there a statute of limitations on throwing in the towel once they have attempted R.

If you can't do it, you can't do it. That's sad and too bad, but there is no obligation to stay when you've been cheated on. 

You are giving him ammunition to claim you are a gold digger and using him as an ATM the longer you stay with him to support you financially though. If you leave once you have your degree in hand, the proof will be in the pudding there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What's with the emphasis by some posters on the fact she wants him for his money? The emphasis should be on the fact that the WH cheated and now she feels in a very vulnerable position because she was studying and depending on him financially, why the hell pick on her and allude to her using him as a piggy bank? Some of you seem to have missed the point.

It is possible to reconcile but it wont happen overnight.
You both need counselling, this might help you
However, what is WH doing to regain your trust, he needs to be pulling out all the stops
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are

Cheating will always be a stain on your marriage, it never goes away, there will always be a part of you that will not trust him. However, if you are both willing you can build a new marriage, that will take time, and only if both a fully committed.
Right now you would not be ready, but it may come.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'm going to throw this into the mix. My take is that you were a bit of an iceburg prior to your, "I can't be intimate because I don't love and trust him", which may have contributed to him seeking out the other chick. In any case, by your own admission the love is gone, you seem in it for financial and security reasons, so your fooling yourself if you think your marriage is somehow going to turn into a Prince Charming/Snow White thing.


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## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

Thank you for all of the reply, let me give more details about the history.

Before we got married, I had a well paid job for a single woman in London, well enough that I could save for a master degree from a reputable uni. I didn't marry him strictly because of he is old money, he even offered to funded my education but I said no, If I were a gold digger I would've said yes without a single doubt. The consideration of financial effect is just a rational thinking in my part because at this point if I quit my master degree and get full time job, it'll be a huge waste of time.

And another thing about people who accused me of using him as piggy bank, before we married we had the "talk". He's a bit on the traditional side so he wanted to take care of everything, I suggested that I can chime in but he said no. So when he accused me of using him, I reminded him that he was the one who offered the responsibility not me. Post-affair I asked if that is his true feeling and he said no. Per his confession, he needed every reason to justify his cheating and lying to me. He apologised for that multiple times. Now I have a part time job and pay for my own needs, something that he is unhappy about but it's necessary for me because I still don't trust his words. Do you really think a gold digger would want to work if she can milk her spouse's regret ? He is also unhappy about my part time job because he thinks it's a buffer to our progress as we can't spend more time together.

There's still a part of me that wants and loves him but for now the doubt is bigger. I don't know if his real personality is the one during the affair or his pre&post-affair attitude. He liked (still likes?) his mistress enough to lit fire to our previously great marriage. I'm not sure whether we can handle more in the future.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

How long ago did the affair happen? For many people it takes far longer to begin to start recovering than they ever realize when they decide to R.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I'm going to add, since this is such a "new" marriage, and you are obviously established with job credentials and such. Move on. He had an EA. He treated you like garbage and it all blew up. He owned it, and is trying to R. It sounds the way posted that it is sincere. But, you haven't even tried to be physical and loving. You ma'am are checked out. You even said it. You are more concerned with your advanced schooling than him.

Do the right thing and move on. Be honest with yourself and him. Let him go.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

bluelily said:


> I do admit that one of the biggest reason I'm staying is because I'm still finishing my master degree and divorcing now will costs me a lot, something that I can't afford. Even now with my part time job I still can't afford everything on my own because London is very expensive. Please advice, can the L word back again after an affair ?


Your own words.

This is why we have addressed your hesitance to leave because of financial reasons.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SUCKA said:


> I hope your independence grows from this experience and from your education. You did nothing to deserve this and your spouse is an entitled pos. I have been thru similar and am unsure if it EVER comes back. Can you accept the status quo, a loveless marriage? Plenty of them exist. Wish you the best.


Apparently they’re made for one another.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Any length of any type of affair would be hurtful, but one month with nothing physical seems like the "best" kind he could have had. And it sounds like he is remorseful. 

You moved out for 7 weeks-where? How did you pay for that? 

You don't want to try MC. Why? If you aren't willing to fight for the marriage, then why are you still there at all?

You won't be intimate with him. How long? At least 7 weeks...

How long have you been in school and how much longer do you have? 

How did you find out about the affair?

He IS funding your education by paying all or most of the living expenses while you are in school. Which is totally okay and something that happens a lot in marriage. But he is helping fund your education. How much is tuition vs. living expenses? 

Divorce is expensive. Nearly every story on here has stories about how much people lose in a divorce. It is unfortunate but that is the reality. Staying with him because it would cost you a lot to divorce is not fair to him. Take out a loan, borrow from family, have a rough year of working full time and school full time, go to school part-time (if your program allows it) and work full time, live with a roommate or roommates. If you weren't married to him and his "old money" how would you be doing school? See a lawyer and if nothing else, figure out what the possible ramifications could be if he pays for your degree and then you divorce him soon afterward.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hmmmmm....I'm also wondering how long ago this is?
Does he still see her at work or elsewhere?
Are you sure it was only an EA?

I agree that if it was only two months ago, you may just need more time.
I think I could possibly forgive an EA. I would have a hard time moving on though too. I know it would take me a long time, and I do understand the huge hesitancy to share intimacy if it is early on. I would be the same. It's too precious of a bond between a couple, and he spat on it.

I think that I actually love your reaction. You left. He had to face SERIOUS consequences for his serious betrayal. Rather than rug sweeping you let it blow up your world. He knows you won't be a doormat. He should also know he *may* earn his one forgiveness from you. He also may very well have completely learned his lesson and never, ever stray again.

If it is still early on, I would give yourself some time to fall back in love. You are deeply wounded and that doesn't just disappear in a matter of weeks. In fact, I don't believe it can ever completely disappear. At some point though, in a reasonable amount of time, you need to decide to forgive and move on, or leave and move on. It won't be fair to forgive and throw it in his face forever, which is what I am afraid I would struggle with if I forgave an EA. Too many people view marriage as very disposable. It is worth the work if both are going to commit to it, and can remain loyal. Perhaps, you can find it in your heart to forgive and move on. If not it will be time to set him free.

I wish you the best sweetheart.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Without knowing how long ago the affair was, I’m assuming approximately one year ago as you have been married for three. It takes two to five years to recover from an affair, I’m in year four myself. If I’m correct on the timing you are basically where I was after year one. Trust isn’t there quite yet, therefore you are struggling to be vulnerable to your husband. You want to give him your heart again, but you can’t get the memories out of your head of how well he cared for your heart before. It’s a struggle in your mind for sure, but you will need to make a decision soon. 

The second part your struggling with is resentment, this wall builds very quickly and is difficult to tear down. It will only reinforce to your brain to remain distant, this will kill any chance of reconciliation. You are sitting in the fence and unsure what to do, but you need to decide very quickly. As for the help you have asked for, only you can make that decision.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So he was taking his OW to $300 dinner dates and it was supposedly only for a month and not physical?

Yeah...

No.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blue Lilly, a man who wants you to give up all independence when you don’t have kids although you are educated and can earn a living, is looking to control you. What is worse he will obviously use it and throw it in your face later. He also cheats and blame shifts. Unless he is willing to get IC and MC this seems like a lost cause.


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