# Just married and...



## cookie4 (Jan 25, 2010)

i got married a little over 3 weeks ago and i'm feeling kind of lost. a few months ago my husband's father passed away suddenly leaving my husband will a million additional responsibilities one of which is to take care of his mom. my mother-in-law now lives with us and she's nice and not annoying or anything and not old (in her 50's), but i feel like i'm married to my husband and his mom. like, every decision we make has to involve his mom, if it's buying stuff for the house, looking for a house, or long-term decisions about things that i was thinking should be something that only a husband and wife should decide. one day, he even mentioned that we should plan on having kids soon...for his mom, so she can have grandchildren. i don't know if this is just a phase b/c they are both still grieving the loss of their father/husband, but i'm just not comfortable with the situation. and when i try to talk to my husband about it, he tells me that i should be understanding of the situation and this is how things are going to be, and that i have no idea what he and his mom are going through. i hate going home at night and i can't wait to leave in the mornings...it doesn't feel like "home" and i really feel homesick. and instead of feeling like a newly wed, i feel like an adopted adult into this family...does that make sense? am i not being sensitive enough to my husband and mother-in-law? is this all in my head? am i being too ridiculous? any opinions, advice?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

cookie4 said:


> i got married a little over 3 weeks ago and i'm feeling kind of lost. a few months ago my husband's father passed away suddenly leaving my husband will a million additional responsibilities one of which is to take care of his mom. my mother-in-law now lives with us and she's nice and not annoying or anything and not old (in her 50's), but i feel like i'm married to my husband and his mom. like, every decision we make has to involve his mom, if it's buying stuff for the house, looking for a house, or long-term decisions about things that i was thinking should be something that only a husband and wife should decide. one day, he even mentioned that we should plan on having kids soon...for his mom, so she can have grandchildren. i don't know if this is just a phase b/c they are both still grieving the loss of their father/husband, but i'm just not comfortable with the situation. and when i try to talk to my husband about it, he tells me that i should be understanding of the situation and this is how things are going to be, and that i have no idea what he and his mom are going through. i hate going home at night and i can't wait to leave in the mornings...it doesn't feel like "home" and i really feel homesick. and instead of feeling like a newly wed, i feel like an adopted adult into this family...does that make sense? am i not being sensitive enough to my husband and mother-in-law? is this all in my head? am i being too ridiculous? any opinions, advice?


Tough one. Im sure some of it is all the newness, new situation(s). 

Just some thoughts:

Maybe just BE a little more understanding but make sure you are clear with hubby you are married to HIM. Ask him outright if the MIL is going to be there forever.

Dont make any plans about the future and use the same response. "We should not talk of kids etc, until some time has passed for you to deal with the loss of your father and a more permanent living arrangement can be made with your mother"
I'm sure he feels responsible for his mother, but that should be temporary. 
Did she move in a a result of the death?
Is this a permanent living arrangement?

You can be supportive and at the same time be open and honest about what you think and what you want.
Maybe you could slowly get hubby out with you. Go places.
How can you have a decent sex life with mother there?


*Hang in there, have patience. Be supportive but make yourself clear.*


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## cookie4 (Jan 25, 2010)

MIL is living with us permanently, and she moved in as a result of the death. Sex-life...uncomfortable with her always around. Can't really go anywhere "alone" b/c he's constantly worried if his mom is okay. He wants me to call her everyday (even though I live with her). And when I try to be honest, he cuts me off and tells me I'm being selffish or not understanding and that I need to consider his mom first.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

In my opinion you may have to give it more time. 
I think the MIL thing sucks. Im sure many people figure out how to deal with that. Did you agree to that or did it just kinda happen?

Dunno Cookie, If he wont address it with you ever and its NOT something you signed up for, its going to be a LONG road.

Give it a little time to be courteous relating to the death of father but you cant go on forever like that if its not good for you. 

You should set a realistic date in the future to address it with him and if he outright refuses to acknowledge your concerns. You can get him to agree to get to counseling, and if he never agrees to that then you have a bigger problem.

In the mean time there is nothing stopping you from seeing a counselor to help you deal with the current situation. Man the first year is supposed to be the best!.

Be smart here and careful. You dont want to simply escalate this into a mess. Your at the earliest stage and how you deal with this could set the stage for future problem resolution.
Be calm and direct as you can be. Dont let it get you frustrated. ( easier said than done i know). 
Marriage can easily be described as a compromise ( i dont like that word but lacking a better one...). Compromise should not always be "cookie feels like she's giving up and giving in".

Has to be both ways.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

cookie4 said:


> i got married a little over 3 weeks ago and i'm feeling kind of lost. a few months ago my husband's father passed away suddenly leaving my husband will a million additional responsibilities one of which is to take care of his mom. my mother-in-law now lives with us and she's nice and not annoying or anything and not old (in her 50's), but i feel like i'm married to my husband and his mom. like, every decision we make has to involve his mom, if it's buying stuff for the house, looking for a house, or long-term decisions about things that i was thinking should be something that only a husband and wife should decide. one day, he even mentioned that we should plan on having kids soon...for his mom, so she can have grandchildren. i don't know if this is just a phase b/c they are both still grieving the loss of their father/husband, but i'm just not comfortable with the situation. and when i try to talk to my husband about it, he tells me that i should be understanding of the situation and this is how things are going to be, and that i have no idea what he and his mom are going through. i hate going home at night and i can't wait to leave in the mornings...it doesn't feel like "home" and i really feel homesick. and instead of feeling like a newly wed, i feel like an adopted adult into this family...does that make sense? am i not being sensitive enough to my husband and mother-in-law? is this all in my head? am i being too ridiculous? any opinions, advice?


 " I hate going home ... " ? I think this sounds a little more than normal reaction . presence of somebody who's not actually encroching or demanding should not be that disturbing for u . so maybe u r not being understanding enough . I think u should give it sometime but make sure u & ur husband aren't missing out on ur fun things to maintain a good balance . 

good luck


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Is something wrong with his mother? She's only in her 50s; that's nowhere near old enough that she needs permanent care. You should ask him about that: why is he being such a "helicopter parent" to someone who should be perfectly capable of taking care of herself? Does he know something about her you don't?

She's going to get miserable, and probably pretty soon, living with you two underfoot. Right now, she's missing her husband, there's been turmoil, you make allowances for that. But she might get interested in dating after a year or two, and that's not going to go so well with poopy babies.

The MIL should not have moved in; one standard rule is that you shouldn't make any major life decisions in the immediate aftermath of a death or other such event.

Obviously there's some adjusting. It is to be hoped that you knew your husband for a while before the marriage, and you can compare how he is right now with how he was normally before his father died. Is he just being really irrational compared to how he used to be? If so, maybe he should be in grief counseling. Maybe the two of you should be in couples therapy. (Maybe all three of you should be in family therapy.)

The next time he says you're selfish, maybe you should admit it: "I am being a little bit selfish, but I don't see what's wrong with that. I don't want to share my husband with another woman, even if she is his mother. But I'm not _just_ being selfish; you are acting strangely, wanting me to call her to see if she's okay during the day even though we both saw her a few hours earlier, and acting as if she's helpless when she's a perfectly capable adult. She could live another 30 years; there's lots of happy and healthy life in front of her. But if you treat her like she's helpless and lock her up here with us, you're going to give her 30 years of boredom."


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## Flooring (Jan 27, 2010)

I would give it more time. I just got married also it can be rough. Give him time to heal. Was he close with his mother before too? He may want to just support her for awile till she adjusts. She "lost" her son in marriage recently and now her husband dies. It is alot for her. Try to get her involved in activies with local groups and that would help with the transition. Good Luck


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I'm sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. That takes a toll (on many levels) on the whole family. The greiving process is different for everyone.

Here's how I see it. You and your husband are a new family, just beginning a new life for yourselves. Tragedy strikes. Your husband is obviously family oriented (a good trait) and takes mom in.

MIL is in a really bad situation. Has lost her place in life. She is no longer a wife and mother. At least that's probably how she's feeling. Her son has married and her husband ie..strength and security.. is gone.

Now here you are. Newly married. Starting out on a new journey in life. Now your MIL is in your home and it doesn't feel like your home anymore. You no longer feel like the woman of the house. That's really tough, and the fact that your husband is probably more into his greiving and taking care of his mother to really understand what's going on with you. That part will get better.

Is your MIL disabled? If not, she will need to find a new place for herself. Living with you two with no outside life/interests gives her limited ways to feel like she has a purpose or direction. She probably doesn't feel terribly comfortable in your house either.

I think more time is needed. then you need to try to talk to your husband and explain and get him to understand how you are feeling. Taking care of your MIL may be a priority right now, but that will settle down. If this is permenant, then boundries will need to be set. Even a move to a house with like a MIL addition may be in order. Keep in mind that she is probably very lonely right now. She should come around and realize that you and your husband have a life to build together. 

As parents, what do we want for our children? For them to have happy, fulfilling lives and families.


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## cookie4 (Jan 25, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the great advice/perspective. It helps a lot to know what everyone else thinks...and I'll definitely give it more time...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lots of cultures have many generations living together. My MIL lived with my H when I married him, and stayed another 3 years. That said, if she's in her 50s, why doesn't she want her own place? It could be unhealthy if she expects your husband to replace his father for her.

You can set up simple guidelines for what reach each person has. It all boils down to communication. Include your MIL in the talks.


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