# How do I cope with her ambivalence?



## sadindy (Jun 15, 2011)

I discovered four weeks ago that my wife had been in an affair. She agreed not to contact him again immediately and we talked about steps to reconcile. Since then, she has developed feelings of ambivalence about the marriage (i.e., if she cheated, she must have wanted out). She feels trapped and suffocated, she feels pressured to decide it will work, and she does not have the feelings to support it. Yet, she says she wants it to work and continues to go to both individual and marital counseling.

I understand that in her state she cannot give me the answer I want now - ie, that she wants me back. While I do not like it, I feel I can accept it and continue to work. However, carrying this ambivalence around and the feeling that at any moment she might quit is crushing me. How do I cope with this? Any thoughts or experiences?


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

It's time for a counselor


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just ensure to your own satisfaction that she is not in continued contact with the one she cheated with.

There is zero chance of fixing this while she cheats.

Ambivalence can be dealt with in counseling. Both hers and yours.


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## sadindy (Jun 15, 2011)

I am seeing a counselor on my own as well. I feel confident that she has stopped seeing him. Her ambivalence is not over me vs. him; it is me vs. not me. She is not sure whether we can work out and feels paralyzed into indecision by this. The therapist wants us to talk about how we can meet each others' needs, but she feels like doing so is committing to something she does not know will work.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I love the way someone who you've caught climaxing under another man 'agrees', ok that's it, to stop seeing them. 

And she's ambivalent?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She is under pressure and is having a logic vs feelings fight in her head. She has lost respect and passion for the marriage and is afraid that it will never return. Unfortunately if you maintain the status quo you’ll end up proving her right and she will up and leave. You can’t “nice” her back into loving you again; you’ll just make her feel guilty and sorry for you. You might get a false R for a while but there’s no way it will last since she has emotionally checked out of the M and being around her 24/7 just makes it worse. She has crossed a line and there’s no going back to the way things were without some kind of shake up.

People keep making the same mistakes (including myself) in being too nice and forgiving after finding out about an affair. If you read enough stories on here and other sites the “nice guys” get dumped or have false Rs while the angry ones that kick them to the curb and file for a D complain how the WS won’t leave them alone with all the begging and pleading to R. You have to take a hard line with them because they disrespected you and are watching how you handle yourself from it. If you roll over then they will devalue you since you don’t value yourself.

The sad fact is she isn’t going to get those feelings back until she thinks she has lost you or you 180 so hard her head spins. You have to start pulling back and making plans for a possible separation because I feel this will get a lot worse before it gets better. It’s going to take her a good month or more of you being out of the picture before she even starts to miss what you have.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> I love the way someone who you've caught climaxing under another man 'agrees', ok that's it, to stop seeing them.
> 
> And she's ambivalent?


:iagree:

You called this one right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How do I cope with her ambivalence? 

You tell her to get off the fence. Ruffle her feathers up. Let her know that while she may not know what she wants, you know what you want. Which is 100% committment. If she can't do that, bye. 

The longer you let this "ambivilance" drag out and do Plan A... the worse for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You called this one right.


Yeah I mean my Get-Your-Things-Out-Of-My-House-ometer would be pegged in the red zone.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"Her ambivalence is not over me vs. him; it is me vs. not me."- Nah... it is about him because she got this idea after being with this guy. He got her thinking that staying with you might not be in her best interest, even if she doesn't end up with him. By the way, YOU should be stuck-on-the-fence, not her. Man-up a bit... give an ultimatum already.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your house has doors? Take her to the door and point out how the door knob works. Open the door and point out that fresh air is abundant outside. There are no chains attached to her. The second she feels trapped or smothered, she can jolly well open the door and take her trampy butt down the road. To facilitate her decision process, you can even pack for her.


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