# Continuing step-father/step-daughter relationship?



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

So my WH and I have decided to divorce. We're being very amicable and had a long talk today in which we managed to thrash some things out. I am much calmer and a little happier about things.

My problem is this: I have 2 daughters, both from before we met. My youngest was not yet 1 when we met, and I have no contact with her natural father. He was a ONS from my single wilder days - not something I'm proud of, but it is what it is.

My H brought her up as his, and she thinks he is her Daddy.

She has been asking after him, and I'm not sure what to do.

Obviously, if she were his true daughter I would be encouraging contact, but is it right to continue that relationship only to be told a few years down the line that he was never her real daddy anyway?

Or is it better to cut all contact from this point on? She is 5.

WWYD?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

If he raised her and loved her, thn he is her true daddy

Just not the biological one.

So if he wants to see her and still treat her as his oen
then ud only be taking away from ur daughter if u prevent it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If the guy wants the job then let him have it.

I think it phucked not to encourage the father daughter relationship after 5 years.

What the hell our you thinking?

Is this guy bad father material? Maybe the next few guys will be? 

Ya lets guy after guy enter this kids life, until *you* pick one!

It sounds to me they have picked each other and *you* are just getting in the way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW....

Me and a couple of other dads I know make damb good step fathers while their kids bio dad make more kids and/or wait to get out of jail......or what ever the hell these POS can't own up.

Geeze, I know of one case were my buddy makes a hell of a better step parent then his ex wife/bio mother. This cat stepped up big time and now that his step daughter is a grown adult he wouldn't have it any other way.

Again are going to pick or are you going to let them pick each other?


Sorry girl, I see the risk to great as you go thru men looking for some *other* guy to be your kids daddy!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My son is not my natural child. He was 3 when I met and married his mom. She and I divorced when he was about 8. I actually got custody. He's 32, now and when he says "Dad", he means me. Seems to me when someone marries a person who has a child, they make two commitments. You and he can agree to break your's, but your daughter hasn't divorced anyone and in her world, a dad is a forever kind of arrangement. Unless the guy was some sort of abusive monster, I'd try to make it as easy as possible for him to keep being her dad. It's not as if her biological dad is busting a sweat to do so. Fathers give something to kids that they just can't get anywhere else. Whenever I have accepted the role of "dad" whether biologically or otherwise, it's always been clear to me that it's for life.


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## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> BTW....
> 
> Me and a couple of other dads I know make damb good step fathers while their kids bio dad make more kids and/or wait to get out of jail......or what ever the hell these POS can't own up.
> 
> ...



Yea for real this true..
Y'all can't try and work things out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

They should continue a relationship as long as he remains a positive male figure for your daughter. Do not punish the children when adult relationships don't work out.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Whoa - harsh much!

I didn't say I was preventing it, nor did I say I would prevent it.

My WH and I discussed the situation together. I asked HIM what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure. 

I want what's best for my daughter. I don't want him to continue this relationship now if he has no intention of continuing it long-term.

Apologies if I was unclear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he does not continue the relationship she will feel that her father abandoned her. 

If he raised her to think that he's her father, he has an obligation to continue being her father.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Odd that he's not sure. Has he said what his concerns are on the topic?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What does he want to do? Your stbxh should continue to see your daughter.

My husband raised my first child since the age of 5 and she sees him as her only father.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

He's said he doesn't want her growing up resenting us for letting her think he was her father. He suggested maybe it was kinder in the long run to make it a clean break for everyone. 

TBH we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. A clean break would be better for US certainly. But is it best for my DD?

I don't know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Robsia said:


> He's said he doesn't want her growing up resenting us for letting her think he was her father. He suggested maybe it was kinder in the long run to make it a clean break for everyone.
> 
> TBH we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. A clean break would be better for US certainly. But is it best for my DD?
> 
> I don't know.


If the choice is between a clean break or he continues to be her father for the rest of the life.... 

It's better that he remains her father.

If he stops being her father you can expect her to grow up with all kinds of issues. Her pain will be worse than if he died. Why? Because her father chose to abandon her. At least with death it is not a choice.


Today I'm dealing with the issues caused by parents who abandon their children. My step daughter's mother walked out on them when the daughter was 7. She spent her years between when her mother walked out until the end of high school suicidal, angry and hurt. Then in her senior year she found drugs... that fixed her problems alright. 

If you want to know how well that turned out read my new thread on the topic.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/69482-need-help-staying-strong.html

Our prisons are filled with men and women whose father's walked out on them.

If you look at my step daughter, it's clear that a mother walking out has the same affect.


For your daughter's sake, do everything you can to keep him involved. He is probably confused by him being 'just the step father'. But to her he IS her father.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl is right. My first born was abandoned by her biological father in her early teens and now she has many negative issues over it. She's an adult now and has been in therapy for some time trying to overcome the damage this has done emotionally.

It's best he continues the relationship. It would be awfully selfish of him if he makes a "clean break". Truly he's only thinking of himself.

Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

If he isn't abusive then abandonment will be much more harmful than the later discovery that she isn't biologically his


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That child doesn't give a rat's patootie who impregnated you. She knows who her father is. I would think it would be less harmful to a young girl to have her father die than for her to live with the knowledge that every day he willfully chose to be apart from her. It'd be difficult for a kid to not believe they were somehow responsible for their abandonment. Divorce is hell on kids anyway and there's no way she's coming out of this unscathed. It'd be wonderful if her parents could work out their differences.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> If he isn't abusive then abandonment will be much more harmful than the later discovery that she isn't biologically his


Exactly. If he continues acting in the capacity of dad with her, then when she is old enough to understand the truth about your ONS, OP, then she will also be able to comprehend the idea of "Wow! Even though mom and dad couldn't make it work for themselves, he loved me enough to WANT to remain a part of my life!" That will show her that she is loved, and chosen...worthy of being loved.

And this isn't just for this situation. I know there will be other couples who will go through this situation. And I would still advise the same thing. If the stepparent, has been "mom" or "dad" for as far back as the child can remember, wishes to keep that active role as parent, and there is no abuse, then let them keep that bond.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm wondering why, after acting as a father to her, he is now unsure he wants to continue. 

He obviously can't be forced to continue in that role but he is going to do a great deal of damage to her if he doesn't.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Robsia said:


> He's said he doesn't want her growing up resenting us for letting her think he was her father. He suggested maybe it was kinder in the long run to make it a clean break for everyone.
> 
> TBH we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. A clean break would be better for US certainly. But is it best for my DD?
> 
> I don't know.


He should want to remain her Dad, and if he wants to, he should. He IS her father because he's been there and bio-dad is unavailable.

I'm struggling for words to describe my own situation, but here goes:
My Dad is not my bio-Dad, but he was there before, when, and after I was born. I don't think it would make a difference if he came around a year later. He and my mother were in a relationship starting a few years before I was born, but they broke-up. She was in a relationship with another guy. Not a ONS but not a very mature relationship, either. She was impregnated by him. He wanted nothing to do with her/me.

My real (non-Bio) Dad reconciled with my Mom before I was born and said he wanted to take care of us. It was all honest- everyone knew who the bio-dad was, and I was told,too. I think I was around 4 when I found out. I can't really give any advice as far as when or how to tell about the bio dad. I just know what I lived.

My mom and dad split when I was 6, and we had an informal "custody" arrangement. Actually, I got to choose. I stayed with my Dad 4 days a week and my Mom 3.

Now, I'm pretty screwed up. But I would be a LOT MORE screwed up if my only known Dad had abandoned me when I was 6. It took me until I was 22 or so to start to understand any of this. I attempted to reach out to bio-dad multiple times until that point, and even though I never knew him and actually had a better dad I still have abandonment issues over that, but I'm very fortunate to have what I have.

So I guess what I'm feeling is, you are probably going to encounter some issues with the non-bio thing, depending on what and when you tell your daughter. But having a Dad who stuck around is going to be a lot better than having a bio-dad who skipped out AND a Dad who abandoned her when things soured with her mom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

On the issue of when to tell your daughter that her dad is not her bio dad.

We adopted my 24 yr old son when he as 10 days all. All of the adoption books I read said to let the child know the truth from day one. A child has to come to terms with this fact as early as possible. The later in life they find out, the more trouble it can cause in their life.

There are good children's books on the topic. You might want to find some and start reading them to hear and discussing it with her. Even going to come counseling mighth help you get through telling her and helping her deal with it.

Most of the things I read suggest that a child be at peace with the info at age 10, before the storm of the teen years hit. The last thing you want is for a teen or young adult to find out that their parent is not their bio-parent.

The issue is not so much the lack of bio-connection. The issue is the huge lie. it's a lie that everyone around them knew. So the child often feels that their entire family made a fool out of them and lied behind thier back for decades. So what else is the family lying about? She will never fully trust her if you let her believe he's her bio-dad much longer.

He is her dad.. have no doubt about that. But she's been misled to believe he's her bio-dad. Not a good thing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My son's biological dad never did a thing for him and eventually committed suicide when my boy was around 16 or 17. I don't think my son wasted more than a few minutes of his entire life thinking about the guy. I know I was clear on who my dad was long before I ever read a birth certificate. If there was another man's name on it, I'd still know who my dad was. I think we all view life through our own experiences and your daughter has had no real experience with her natural father. Your husband, however, has been a major part of probably every day that your daughter can recall.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I have mentioned a couple of times that her dad isn't her real dad, but that he met me when she was a baby and he wanted to be her dad.

I mentioned it again a few days ago. She was very confused, obviously didn't remember the times I'd said it before. She is only 5. She remembers the wedding very clearly, even though she was only two at the time. There are pictures around the house and she even remembers the music she and her sister walked down the aisle to, as we practised it often enough.

She didn't understand WHY her dad was not her real dad. She said that we had got married, so that made us mummy and daddy together, so that meant he WAS her real dad.

Obviously I wasn't about to go into the biology of the matter. I wasn't sure how to answer her.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Although this issue is tough, a tougher issue if he chooses to remain 'her dad' is just down the road.

Let's say he wants to remain her father... 

Now, when either one of you in the future develop another committed reationship it is going to cause tension.

Either your new man, or his new W are going to balk at this arrangement... They are not going to accept the connection due to the lack of biological connections.

I may be wrong, but I think this will definitely be an issue that will arise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are some things I found that might help..


Her bio-dad is not her ‘real father’. Her ‘real father’ is he man who has raised her. I hope he stays in her life.
There are 2 types of dads, one who helped make you and one who loves you and takes care of you. Your dad didn't make you, but is the best dad and aren't we all lucky to love and have each other."
Call her bio father what he is… bio-father. The man who raised her is her dad, her father.
Your bio-father was not able to be a daddy when you were born. So your real dad married me and became your real daddy.

Mommy, What's a Step Dad?: Thomas Rey, Ignacio Garcia Jr., Julian Rivera III: 9781412083058: Amazon.com: Books

Amazon.com: Dad and Pop: An Ode to Fathers and Stepfathers (9780763633790): Kelly Bennett, Paul Meisel: Books

Bonus Families - Stepfamily Resources and Advice for Stepfamilies, Stepparents and Stepchildren


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Let him decide but make sure it is exactly what he wants to do. Not that 3 years later when he finds someone else and has kids he drops this relationship with his stepson like a hot potato.

I know its hard choice to decide to be the father to someone else's child and then make that choice for life after your separated from your wife. 

I hope the both of you come out of this learning something about yourselves so as not to keep repeating these mistakes.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

My sister is a step sister which my dad basically took up as his own. My parents divorced when i was around 6 years old, My dad to this day even though he is not my sister biological father and still is involved with her life. He was only a step dad to her for 7 years at most. 

If the WH is willing to do the hard work for the daughter even though he is not really her biological father least that says what type of father he could be. But i understand your situation, he had the affair on you and your daughter, so what kind of man is he really. Hard position to be in. But if he wants to remain her dad for your daughters sake you should least let it run its course. Im sure my sister is glad my mom didn't push my father out of her life or she would of went her whole life with out least having some type of father figure in it.. By the way my Mom had the affair on my dad, so tells me a lot about my father, still wanting to be my sisters father figure even after going through that. 

I hope the best for you and your daughter.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

A DNA donor does not make that person a parent.



Ask your daughter "who is your daddy and what does he do?" (Kindergarden Cop), I'm sure she will answer accordingly.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I know its hard choice to decide to be the father to someone else's child and then make that choice for life after your separated from your wife.


:iagree:


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I can't tell you what to do and I won't but I would like to give you some insight into a situation like this from the daughter's perspective:

My parents divorced when I was 1. My Mom re-married when I was 2. I always knew my step-dad wasn't my biological father. I had bi-monthly visitation with my biological father. My step-dad raised me, my biological father trashed him and my Mom bi-weekly and I refused seeing him when I was about 10 (not so much because of the trashing but because of indecent behavior on his part). My Mom divorced my step-dad when I was 15 and of course, there was no court ordered visitation or anything and out of respect for my Mom and because my entire family hated my Step-Dad, I never saw him again.
My step-dad died when I was 40. I was devastated because he was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to plant a garden. He paid for horseback riding classes, skiing lessons, school trips, clothes, food, shelter while me biological father stopped paying child support when I was 10, telling me to my face "I don't have a daughter". When I think of the word "Father", I have a hard time defining it but I think of my step-dad first. He was my Daddy and I wish I would have had the chance to tell him how much he meant to me and how much of an impact he had on my life. He wasn't perfect (at all) but he wanted me as his child and he told anyone that would listen that I was HIS daughter. Like the lyrics to that country song "...the Dad he didn't have to be."

It just so happens that I received word just a few days ago that my biological father had died. I can't get myself to shed a tear for him. I feel nothing for this man.

Like I said, I'm not telling you what to do or what is best for your child but I will tell you that I would beg my Mom on my knees to allow me to continue to see my Step-Dad if I could go back in time.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

My dad got custody of all three of my older sisters in his divorce, the youngest wasn't his child, but he fought for and was granted custody. When he married my mother, she adopted all three. The youngest was about 4 at the time and knew my mom was not her mother and was never told she was not my dad's biological daughter. When she was 14 she found a letter to my dad from her biological mother when she was snooping through my mom's jewelry box and clothes. She went nuts. Really nuts. My parents tried everything they could to reassure her that Dad loved her just as much as the twins and me, and that she was just as much his daughter as we were. She began acting out, at school AND WITH BOYS, and eventually ran away from home. We didn't see her again until she was 18. By that time she had lived on the streets, found her mom and biological father (who molested her!). She never really made it back to the real world. She became an alcoholic and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. She never was able to handle life and was always very emotional. Her husband left her, so that very day she drank a bottle of gin with the entire contents of her blood pressure medication (she was 41). 

I'm not saying this will happen to your daughter at all. But she needs to know the truth about who she is, even if she doesn't ever meet her biological father. If your WH is waffling about whether or not he wants to stay in her life, that speaks VOLUMES already.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Update: Well, things are going better for us. We're starting the long road to R, but, more importantly, before we did that, when he still thought I wanted to D, he had decided he did want to be in dd's life after all, and we had started talking about contact, which is good. I think it wasn't that he didn't want to be in her life, he just thought she might not thank us for it in the future, giving her a relationship with a man who turned out not to be her father at all.

But thank you all for your thoughts  It helped a lot.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I became very close to my stepdad after my parents divorced.

It was great. He was my dad from age 3.5 to 13 when my parents divorced.


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