# Please advice - need help!!!



## lookfun6 (May 6, 2012)

I got married early(21) and my husband is the second man I slept wit. Lately, last 2-3 years things got bad between us(we are married for 20 years now), he was yelling not respecting etc, so I started feeling lonely and one day after a bad fight I went online on a dating site and found a married men who said he is in the same boat - married but something missing, lonely. So we started talking and meeting. 
I didn't like this guy in the beginning as he said he has been with 52 women so far, remembered all of them, his wife has great sex drive but lately not happening much at home. He seemed full of himself and felt like see every women as a sex object, in spite of that I kept talking and eventually slept with him. We started seeing each other once a week but every time I used to feel very guilty after that but I just wanted to continue as it was giving me excitement and just curiously on how far it can go. Then he said he loved me and never felt like this with any other women (all 52 of them) before..
After 4 months of seeing him, I just couldn't live with myself and told him it's over and convinced my husband to start counseling. Then he called me and said I'm the one for him, he loved me, wants to have babies with me etc..but can't leave his wife now as wife and his kid needs him..
After the counseling my husband realized how bad things are and really making an effort to change himself. I like that but sometimes also wonder about what if the person I had affair with is telling the truth, really felt for me and may be we can have a great future together?
I am confused, my husband is a nice guy, trying to change and on the other hand I'm obsessing about someone who might telling the truth or may be just leading me on like a player? Don't want to believe that he is a player..what if he is a player and i;m throwing my marriage away?

Please help me what should I do??


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Have you told your husband about your affair?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Okay, the other man is a SERIAL CHEATER with 52 notches on his bedpost. Seriously, what are the odds that YOU are TRULY the love of his life?!?

He's a major cheater! Even IF you decided to divorce your husband, break up your family, move in with this man....how in the WORLD would you EVER trust this man?????

He's a liar and a cheater. Erase this LOSER from your memory bank.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lookfun6 said:


> After 4 months of seeing him, I just couldn't live with myself and told him it's over and convinced my husband to start counseling. Then he called me and said I'm the one for him, he loved me, wants to have babies with me etc..but can't leave his wife now as wife and his kid needs him..
> After the counseling my husband realized how bad things are and really making an effort to change himself. I like that but sometimes also wonder about what if the person I had affair with is telling the truth, really felt for me and may be we can have a great future together?
> 
> I'm obsessing about someone who might telling the truth or may be just leading me on like a player? Don't want to believe that he is a player..what if he is a player and i;m throwing my marriage away?
> ...


Nice to meet you, #53.

Mr. Player still has his profile up on that dating site. Maybe not the one that you found him on--but that's because he's on a bunch of others, too.

AFTER you started to reconcile with your husband, AFTER your husband started to change in ways that you liked, this man suddenly re-contacted you and says he loves you "and wants to have babies with you"? You are at least 41. I take it you don't have children of your own with your husband--or do you? Is this part of Mr. Player's attraction?

He already has a baby. That would be his kid, the one that he won't leave. You know, the one that he had with his wife, who he won't leave either. HE TOLD YOU HE WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE. That is all you need to know.

Don't cry too hard for him, though. I'm sure he's texting, emailing, and calling #54 right now. Do you want to know what they talk about? Mostly how terrific and gorgeous she is, how he can't wait to see her, and if only he didn't have a wife and kid, they'd be married by now. Oh, and when he doesn't pick up his cell phone? That's because he's on the line with #55. And if he's texting his wife while he's with you, that's actually #56. (Or maybe it's #156. He kind of lost track after #99.)

It sounds like your prior emotional abuse at the hands of your husband killed your love for him. That can happen, when someone mistreats you badly. You say that he's regretful and has changed his ways. You need to be honest with him and explain that although he's changed, you still have feelings for Mr. Player, even though he's never going to leave his wife. This is all your husband needs to know to let you go.

P.S. Please get a full panel of STD testing. Be sure and get re-tested in another 6 mos. because certain STDs, such as HIV, take a while to show up. I hope your husband is also getting tested.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Your forgot your third option. BEING ALONE FOR AWHILE. It sounds like you are basing your life and happiness on the men in your life. What is called to attention here is CHARACTER. It's bad character to go to a web site specifically to have an affair. It is bad character to brag about sleeping with 52 women and then tell you that YOU are the one for them. Very slimy indeed. 

I will bet you ONE MILLION DOLLARS that if you leave your husband for this Lothario, you will be cheated on and will never trust him. The excitement you feel will fade and you will be left with Mr. I'm Such a Stud. Not a happy ending to your story.

What you need to focus on and deal with now is the relationship with your husband. I do not want to preach to you. I went through what you are going through. I know what it's like to seek attention from other men because my husband didn't even know I was there. But now we are back to CHARACTER. Either decide to work things out with your husband or leave him, but don't leave him waiting in the wings thinking he is working on a relationship that is already dead. 

Some deep self-reflection is needed here on your part. What do YOU want? Who are you? When we marry so young, we don't get to grow up slowly and must do it fast. By the time we wake up in our 40's, we think "what the hell have I done with the last 20 years of my life?"


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## lookfun6 (May 6, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies. These replies are a eye-opener for me. Yes, what I did was awful and considered as a bad character. Just imaging how much pain it is going to cause me if the tables are turnes, is unbearable. That's why I stopped it after 4 months as I just couldn't live with myself.
I made a very big mistake, unfortunately I cannot change the past..

After reading the replies, it did scare me about STDs, I never thought about that as it's been 20 years since I slept with someone other than my husband. I haven't told my husband about it though so is it possible to get it anonymous? I'm really scared now..


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Yes. You can get anonymous lab testing for STD's. Just google it. Or you can go to a woman's clinic/county clinic if your are in the US and have yourself checked out.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lookfun6 said:


> Thank you all for the replies. These replies are a eye-opener for me. Yes, what I did was awful and considered as a bad character. Just imaging how much pain it is going to cause me if the tables are turnes, is unbearable. That's why I stopped it after 4 months as I just couldn't live with myself.
> I made a very big mistake, unfortunately I cannot change the past..
> 
> After reading the replies, it did scare me about STDs, I never thought about that as it's been 20 years since I slept with someone other than my husband. I haven't told my husband about it though so is it possible to get it anonymous? I'm really scared now..


You can get tested anonymously, and you really need to have it done. Again, the antibodies for certain STDs don't show up right away so be prepared to get tested a second time. 

It would be one of the cruelest things to do to not warn your husband that he needs to get tested too. I know you regret what you've done on some level, but don't compound one selfish choice with an even more selfish one. Please.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

My 2 cents. If you are seriously considering further fixing of your marriage... keep your infedelity to yourself. I may stand alone on this, but i can't see how "coming clean" can help your relationship at all. Sure, it frees you of the guilt of keeping it all in, but it destroys your husband in the process. 

You got to experience a quick fling. But its time to move on, if that's what you really want to do. THis guy will make you leave your husband, all the while string you along while he continues to share a bed with his wife. 

So step away, fix things up with your hubby... keep the affair to yourself.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

He's a player. And I agree with Rob -- keep it to yourself.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Okay, the other man is a SERIAL CHEATER with 52 notches on his bedpost. Seriously, what are the odds that YOU are TRULY the love of his life?!?
> 
> He's a major cheater! Even IF you decided to divorce your husband, break up your family, move in with this man....how in the WORLD would you EVER trust this man?????
> 
> He's a liar and a cheater. Erase this LOSER from your memory bank.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't fix your marriage with lies.

You need to come fully clean to your husband.

Aldo, seriously just how nave and stupid are you!, the guy fed you all the classic player lines and you chose to stab your husband right square in the back and open your legs to the player.

And you went back for more. Then when you stopped, the player fed you more lines to reel you back in for some more easy free sex for himself, and you are just about to run off to be with him.

Nice payback to your husband and his 20 years of being fsithful, you deliberately jump on a daring site and hook up with a sleepy player who has you actually believing all the other women hes cheated with meant nothing, but you are his soul mate. You're not his soul mate, but you are a fool for buying his lies.

Tell you husband thst way he can decide if he wants to work on the marriage to you, he likely won't , but if you have small tiny amount of love or respect for him, you'll tell him.

He has the right to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> My 2 cents. If you are seriously considering further fixing of your marriage... keep your infedelity to yourself. I may stand alone on this, but i can't see how "coming clean" can help your relationship at all. Sure, it frees you of the guilt of keeping it all in, but it destroys your husband in the process.
> 
> You got to experience a quick fling. But its time to move on, if that's what you really want to do. THis guy will make you leave your husband, all the while string you along while he continues to share a bed with his wife.
> 
> So step away, fix things up with your hubby... keep the affair to yourself.


She's most likely going to cheat again and again at this point. The OM knows she's gullible and an easy lay, heis going to keep coming back until she hops back in bed him.

I can't believe anyone would advisea person to lie about this to a spouse. Well, I guess another cheater would recommend that course of action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The other reason to tell your husband is that right now hei is being fed the big lie thstthe marriage problems are all about him and his need to change.

He's working on changing, when the real problems that his wife is cheater giving it up to player she met on a dating site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

Did you tell your husband about this affair. If you want a happy life then you must tell him on this matter. Apologize him that you will not do it again...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Pain or no pain---your H, has the right to know who/what he is married to---he is entitled to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with his cheating wife---or if he wants to move on!!

As to your mge----it is already destroyed, its destruction started when you and he couldn't sit down, and work out your problems, with communication/counseling----now it is being destroyed by you lusting after a total piece of garbage---who boasts about all the women he has bedded, even as he has a wife and child------you got yourself a real winner------everytime you think of him, I would think you wanna hang your head over the toilet bowl

Your other major problem is, if you do have an STD, you have probably all ready passed it on----and, if your scum lover has actually bedded 50 plus other women, and they have all had sex with other men----you possibly have hundreds of bodies thrown into the mix, I promise you some of those bodies have STD-----------you need to tell your H, what he is being faced with---if he finds out on his own, cuz he has a disease----it is gonna be a whole lot worse, than if you own up to your cheating, and tell him yourself.

At this point you sure as he*l better exclude your scum lover, and go NC with him.


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