# Had Enough of EA, Mentioned Divorce If It Doesn't Stop, Hurtful Reaction



## End of Rope (Oct 12, 2014)

I'm really in need of advice today and am going to try to catalog the events of the last few years up until it reached a head today as best and simply as I can.

My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now. I just turned 30 and she 29. I found out a couple years ago that she had been having an EA with some loser (lives at home, no job, etc) from Canada. Turns out he was not the first either. It has come to my attention that she was even talking to this guy during most of our engagement. Why she went through with the wedding at all while doing this is beyond me.

Anyway, we have fought about this many times, even went to marriage counceling for a while to try to fix things between us. The councelor told her that she needs to stop the EA immediately and that our marriage will never have a chance of improving until she does. She refused to listen and kept talking to the guy so eventually I quit counceling. Her refusal to stop cheating was an indicator to me that she wasn't listening to the councelor anyway and so it was a waste of time and money.

Things have been bad between us as far as I see it for a long time now. She shows me virtually no affection ever. No hugs, no kisses unless I initiate them and even then it's not even close to what you could call passionate. We've only had sex twice in the last year. Not for a lack of me trying or wanting to. And believe me, I know she enjoys sex. Probably even more than I do. She says things often that shake my confidence and make me feel bad about myself. Calls me lazy and stupid fairly often. All this even though I am an engineer, make triple her salary, work 11 hours a day, then come home and do all the maintenance/cleaning to the house and lawn, take care of our dog, keep up the cars, etc etc. I do all of this without mentioning it or expecting reward. She never lifts so much as a finger. I used to enjoy doing these things for her, but now I fear I have spoiled her and she comes to expect it. Nothing is ever good enough for her anymore no matter what I do or plan. I'm not rich so I can't afford fancy trips all the time and such. Not sure what to do there.

I have tried talking to her about how she makes me feel lately, again about stopping her EA (which I just recently found going on again with that same guy, probably never stopped), and about how I feel we need a drastic change and to get a loving dynamic back. When I bring these issues up however, all she manages to say is things to make me feel bad again and refuses to drop the guy. This is three years now almost she has been having this EA and plays a cursed online video game with the guy.

Today I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She woke me up early and said she wanted to go buy some new parts for her computer and wants me to help install them and do a few other things with it. This offended me terribly as I know she wants them to better play the game that she plays three or four nights a week with the EA guy. So I flat out told her to "cut the guy out completely and go no contact right now or I'm not helping with this". This started a huge fight. The summation of the fight gives me the impression she would let me go before she drops him. A while into this I finally snapped and used the big D word. I said "I won't put up with this anymore so not only won't I help with your computer, but you get rid him today or I'll be filing for divorce this week".

Her reaction was shocking. At first she came out and said "If you want any hope of getting what you want, come help me with the computer.". I have tried it her way (giving her what she wants first) more times than I can count and he still remains, so this time I refused. Told her he has to go first or she's on her own and again I will file for divorce. At this point she adamantly said she wasn't cutting him out of her life. To which I told her to expect papers this week. This turned into her yelling that I don't love her and even hitting me a couple times with a computer chord. She got very angry "I hope you die, you're not a man", all the cliches were said that you'd expect from an angry spouse (note she never says these things normally). In the end she stormed off to Best Buy with her computer about an hour ago, pissed off, and I haven't heard from her since.

I don't know if this is the reaction I should expect from this. Would she have reacted this way even if deep down she wants to fix us? What I do know is it really is horrible of her to keep having her EA, knowing full well how bad it hurts me. Don't read me wrong, I still love her with all my heart and will be devastated if we split up, but I just don't know that I can live with her EA and the complete lack of affection anymore. I feel like a glorified room mate that just supports her and sleeps next to her at night. I miss the old her so much it kills me. But I'm 30 now and not getting younger. Still young enough I hope I can still find someone who really cares for me if she doesn't anymore and I don't have any kids tying me down. Guess the whole prospect of dating again terrifies me because I didn't do much of it before getting married. Heck I only ever dated two girls, including my now wife. But at least I've kept in decent shape and am professionally successful so there is a chance.

Anyway, I need ideas on how I should proceed at this point. Should I go ahead and file so she knows I'm serious, hoping for a wake up call? What should I expect from her tonight when she returns home? I'm scared and worried for sure about what might happen in the coming days, but am trying to stay strong. Anything I should or shouldn't say that might help me get through to her? Any advice would help at this point. Anything at all.

Thanks.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Proceed to the nearest church / temple / synagogue / forest and thank the Almighty of your choice for having thrown this challenge your way now vs later or much later. Then lawyer up and file.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't understand why you're holding on so tightly. She doesn't love you. You haven't been married long. Dump her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here it is straight and blunt. 

She's a junkie! She's addicted to the thrill of the game and the attention he gives her. That's more important to her than you. 

She also knows, by your constant need to please her, your passivity, and your procrastination to take any final action in your favor, that you fear jeopardizing the status of the relationship. Because of that she easily manipulates you to get what she wants. This is how she controls you. 

As for what will happen if you file. She will have to choose, live in a monogamous relationship with you or move on. And you'll be taking the first step to a better life, with her or without her. Let her see you take control of your own future. Let her tantrum and threaten, like the petulant child she is. Show her you don't need her to have a good life. You might gain some respect too. 

You need to start working at not being co-dependent on anyone for your happiness in life. You are responsible for bringing happiness into your life, not others. Stop allowing her to control the life you lead. Take the control of your life back from her. 


You'd do well to read these links...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr Nice Guy, Dr Robert Glover

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Others will be along with more resources. 

Best


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I can't understand what you are trying to hold on to here. She was cheating before you were married, she never really committed to you...you are the only committed one in this relationship, she is just using you and has from the get go. If you had a best friend or brother in this kind of situation, what would you tell him?

She has played you from the beginning and she knows she can get what she wants from you, that is why she gets so angry when you put up the least resistance.

The smart thing to do would be to file for divorce tomorrow and lose this parasite. Are you strong enough to do that and get a little self-respect for yourself? Only you can answer that. I wish you the best. I hope you love yourself enough to see how sad it is that you think this is what a loving relationship should be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Woman here. I don't even know you and I don't respect you.... you're acting like a needy doormat. Stop begging for scraps and next time she tells you to die laugh and tell her that if you do there's no money in it for her. Then tell her to let lose support her and have her served. The longer you support her the more you'll be in it for spousal support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> The longer you support her the more you'll be in it for spousal support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Money is always a huge part of divorce. Depending on your state, if you can prove that she has been having an EA, or anything that shows those characteristics, you'll be better off in the long run and the courts will put that into consideration. 

Talk to a lawyer and get a free consult.


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## End of Rope (Oct 12, 2014)

Thanks for the support so far everyone. First let me clarify that I fully understand that this is NOT what a marriage or a relationship is supposed to be. And it's absolutely not the way I want to continue living my life. I'm at my breaking point. Hardest thing is I've had to suffer this by myself. I didn't want all the friends and family to hate her if we did fix things eventually. It hasn't been at all easy.

She came home tonight with her computer, angrily ordered dinner, paid herself (not common), and kind of tossed it at me and went upstairs to mess with her computer more. Then a minute ago she asks me something about it. Gives me the impression she either doesn't care about our fight/issues or doesn't take my threat seriously or more likely both. Either way it's a problem. Looks like it needs to be official to get her attention.

I feel like I've tried everything except for filing. I am looking up what all I need to get things in motion this week and the cost. No idea which papers to get when the wife doesn't know about it yet. I just want her to be served and shocked without foreknowledge other than my former threat. Hopefully it's not too expensive without getting a lawyer invloved. The house and our only expensive paid off car are both my separate property (bought before marriage) so that makes some things easier. I knew something was not right long ago so I actually never filed our marriage license. Had the ceremony, got it signed by the officiant and all, just didn't turn it in. But I did file taxes jointly last year so I'd say we are considered married in the eyes of the state. Hopefully that doesn't complicate things.

It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from here. I'm seeing it going down one of two ways. One: She gets served and begs forgiveness, goes complete no contact with the OM and full disclosure to me, genuinely works on us, and NCwakes up to everything. At the very least knowin that I will makes things official if she ever tries it again. Call me a fool for it, but if everything seemed legit I'd postpone the divorace for another 6 months or so to see how it goes if she does everything I need and ask. Option 2: She gets served, doesn't change, doesn't care and the divorce proceeds through. Then I no longer shoulder her as a financial burden, can enjoy my hobbies more, and I imagine eventually will get over the sadness and move on. Perhaps finding happiness with someone for real.

I'll freely admit I'm scared by the whole prospect, but in the end I imagine it will pay off.

Side note: She just walked in a second ago with a smile all happy and told me she "fixed her computer all by herself". Clearly looking for praise which she would have gotten if not for all our problems today. All I said was "Good for you.". So she then asked "What's your problem?". Eventually stormed off mad again after my reaction. Seriously wow. Just wow.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You must follow through.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to man up! Your wife struck you, treats you badly, cheats with EA, and calls you names. This is not a demonstration of a loving and caring wife. I'm a married woman, going on 35 years of married life. You are only 30 years of age. You deserve a better wife than what you've got. She is abusive and spoilt. You can do better!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

End it on Monday go see a lawyer.
Then get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get some ic as to why while she had the ea, you still married her instead of telling her to kick rocks.:scratchhead:
Just saying.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

End of Rope,

Do 2 things and only 2 things this week:

1. File for divorce
2. Read this: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

Can you do these 2 things? They're equally important. More important than anything you might have to do in the next couple of days.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

3rd thing:

Disconnect the internet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Had Enough of EA, Mentioned Divorce If It Doesn't Stop, Hurtful Reaction*



mablenc said:


> 3rd thing:
> 
> Disconnect the internet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. No excuses on it either. It doesn't matter whether you need it for school, etc. Find another way. Kill the internet now.

When she freaks out, tell her you will no longer be funding her contact.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She sounds like a crazy nut job.
Why on earth would you even want to "tun it around".
She's too far out the realm of wife material for that.
Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant.
Pay for the lawyer. Best money you will ever spend.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Meh. Install Wireshark or other packet level network sniffer and maybe you can see traffic...


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't make filing for divorce into an empty threat.

You can always stop the process at any time in the unlikely event of her having an epiphany.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If I were to construct a post in this forum with the goal of making myself sound like the weakest husband with the wife that nobody else would want to be married to, I don't think I could have done a better job.

Geez.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Spidey sense


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If in the us, the alimony would likely only be 1.25 years anyway.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

If you never filed the marriage license, then are you married?
I would think that you are common law.

Still need to see a lawyer. 

Take a day off work, pack up all her crap and put it on the porch. Change the locks and take a sledge hammer to her laptop...and cancel all joint accounts.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Yep, time to run up the white flag and surrender to the inevitable. What you have can only loosely be classified as a "marriage." She's tied a$$ and anchor to this other guy and apparently can't make it without him. You don't count. So, do her a very big favor and let her have him. Of course, since the house and car are your own personal property from before you "married" she'll have to find somewhere else to go. Gosh, maybe they can finally be together and she won't have to just communicate with him on the computer. What do you think? Have her served and sit back and enjoy her falling all over herself to change your mind. :rofl:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You must follow through for your words to have any sticking power. Stop enabling her and make her responsible for her decisions.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I know we're only hearing your side of the story here, but there are things a husband needs to put up with, and things that they shouldn't. Ever. An obvious emotional affair is one of those. I was actually willing to forgive my ex-wife for something similar but glad I didn't. Now if she KEPT wanting a little 'something something' on the side while staying married, I'd be the one filing for divorce, not her. 

Divorce is tough but as said be thankful you aren't wasting any MORE time in this dead end relationship. I look back at my 14 year marriage and wish I had figured it out 5, 10 years before so I could have those years back. You have the best part of your life ahead of you, finding yourself, and maybe finding someone who loves you. Not this b!tch. 

Good luck.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

5 days have passed since your last post, did you file or move out? if not she is laughing all the way to her online lover as you wont follow through and may even go physical with him or who ever is handy as it's safe to do so with your inaction


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

i instead am wondering if the OM is really from canada.....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Does he apologize a lot?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're still around, read the book No More Mr Nice Guy. It'll all make sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> If I were to construct a post in this forum with the goal of making myself sound like the weakest husband with the wife that nobody else would want to be married to, I don't think I could have done a better job.
> 
> Geez.


:lol: :rofl:


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