# No sex life for 6 years... I need help!



## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

Hi all,

I appreciate that I am far from alone in this and I'm not expecting a forum to dramatically improve my sex life (would be nice though) but hopefully reading some of your thoughts might help.

So anyway, I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 6. Sex was never an issue until we got married.

I don't know if it's relevant but her grandfather passed away in the early hours of our wedding day. I was told by the father-in-law on the morning of the wedding and tasked with keeping it from my new wife until the next day when I had to sit her down and give her the bad news (one of the hardest things I've ever had to do BTW).

So, before marriage we were having sex at least once every 2 weeks which wasn't as much as I would have liked but was enough to keep me happy. After the marriage it took about 6 months before the wedding was consummated and since then I think we've had intercourse 4 or 5 times in 6 years (no I haven't missed any zeros off the numbers!).

At this point, although embarrassing, I have to be fair and point out that I am prone to suffer from nervous ED. My wife always said this wasn't a problem but did later admit that it did make sex a bit of a chore (nice!). Anyway, I have seen the doctor and he suggested counselling, which ended up being more about my marriage than me so my wife attend a few sessions.

Following some suggestions from the counsellor, I thought for a while that things may improve but, no.

I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".

We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.

Phew, that was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be, sorry 

Anyway, I guess I need help with knowing how to talk to my wife about this and get her to open up and tell me what she wants. It seems crazy but after 8 years I still don't know exactly what she would like from sex.

Please help and feel free to ask questions coz I know I don't make much sense at the best of times.

Thanks for reading.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Welcome onboard friend!

I recently got away from a similar relationship. I, like you, thought the whole time that the problem is on my end and tried a million things to fix it. But ultimately, my GF had the same attitude as your wife here:



Numptee said:


> I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".


Your wife doesn't see a problem (or she sees it and doesn't care) and won't cooperate with you to try and solve it.

You can go to doctors, counselors, blame yourself, try to move earth and heaven, but since your wife has this attitude you will never solve it.



Numptee said:


> We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.


This is the reason I didn't break up with my GF earlier. I loved her, but eventually I started resenting her more and more each passing day. I was feeling hurt by her unwillingness to admit the problem and at LEAST put a little effort at fixing it.

My love turned to hate and here I am, wishing I had the balls back then to pull the plug two years ago.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

One thing is to not do something she wants, perhaps there will be a conflict, and then start discussing the sex issue.


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## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

Thanks for your reply RFguy.

I agree with a lot of what you have to say but foolishly or not I would rather fix the sex life than leave my wife. Every other part of our marriage is really good, it's just missing the sex.

I feel like I need to get her to open up or something. :banghead:


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## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

Thanks Bobby5000.

I think I know what you mean but if I do then I have to say that I've already tried that.

To be honest, I've tried most things I can think of with no luck but keep hanging in there hoping that one day I will get through to her or that she'll open up to me with any problems/issues she has.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Have you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" .... from your posts it might be helpfully if you did. You see most women say they want Mr. Sensitive but in reality he gets taken for granted and unappreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

The other book that is highly recommended on here is "The Married Mans Sex Life".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Of course she doesn't want to talk about it... here's even better news unless you talk to her she doesn't even think about it.

Its a dynamics issue that she feels entitled to withhold what you want of her to fell connected to her via sex.

So. Either fix the dynamics and then hold her accountable or accept that you will remain stuck in a sexless marriage.

The books mentioned can help you think about your stance around her... in reality though its simple. 

Become a better man
Find out what she resents in you
Get her to admit there is an issue that needs resolved in a timely fashion.
and HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE.

For me this was a nearly four year process as you are changing her mind about you over time.

No quick fix..just the correct one.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Of course she doesn't want to talk about it... here's even better news unless you talk to her she doesn't even think about it.
> 
> Its a dynamics issue that she feels entitled to withhold what you want of her to fell connected to her via sex.
> 
> ...


So the plan is still working?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> So the plan is still working?


That is not the topic of this thread.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> That is not the topic of this thread.


For someone who doesn't want to roll up on a 6 year sexless hiatus, it may be very well revelant.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> For someone who doesn't want to roll up on a 6 year sexless hiatus, it may be very well revelant.


I wouldn't post advice that I didn't have some first hand knowledge of the positive effects on a sexless marriage having come from one myself.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Numptee said:


> I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".
> 
> We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.


If she really loves you so much, why would she continue to refuse to talk about a subject that is so important to you? Would you similarly refuse to talk to her about something so important?

Sounds like all the love is on one side, not "each other".

According to your own description, you have only had sex on average *ONCE* per year. That's it. She is not a wife. She is a roommate.

Look, you may love your brother or sister too, but that doesn't mean you should be married to them. You and your wife can continue to love each other - from a distance. Divorce can be amicable; it's not a requirement that divorcing couples hate each other. 

You don't have a marriage right now anyway. I strongly suggest you give her three options:

1. Discuss the problem with you, or
2. Discuss the problem together with a MC, or
3. Separate

What have you got to lose?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

she has got to listen to you and not shut you out and if that means that she won't take you seriously or talk about unless you are in counseling, then that is what you need to do. Sex once a year and you're just good friends. maybe even great friends but sex is what separate friends from lovers. do not have kids with her until this issue is straightened out, because, like the other poster said, your deep love for her will start changing with your resentment.


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## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

Thanks all for your replies.

I have already been divorced once from another sexless marriage where the love was all one sided. For this reason, I'm 99% confident this is not the same thing and that she loves me.

She's really very shy when it comes to sex. It's not something she can talk about without feeling really uncomfortable.

I don't know! :scratchhead:

Thanks again. I'm going to have a look at the books referenced above


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## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Of course she doesn't want to talk about it... here's even better news unless you talk to her she doesn't even think about it.
> 
> Its a dynamics issue that she feels entitled to withhold what you want of her to fell connected to her via sex.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. Could you be more specific about what you mean by 'dynamics'?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Numptee said:


> Thanks for your reply. Could you be more specific about what you mean by 'dynamics'?


Numptee...

Obviously you have been involved in two sexless marriages...the commonality is you.

So if you could envision what you want your marriage to look like. 

Now, that vision requires change on both ends... you can control your part of it.

In my case it was a lot of standing up to my wife who I let call most of the shots throughout our marriage.

For me it was not being afraid to lose her, and call out bad behaviors and hold her at every turn accountable.

For me it was improving the relationship with my kids to the point of becoming the strong father.

Now I am the stronger Father in the marriage and things have dramatically improved.. I am not afraid at all to talk with my wife and hold her accountable.

The key is you do this over time... there is no quick fix.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you're lying to yourself. If she really loved you she'd be having sex with you. I get that you really really want to believe she loves you, but I don't buy it. Also you're lying to yourself when you say everything else about the marriage is great. That's what most sexless nice guys say. It just isn't true. Magical thinking.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Numptee said:


> Thanks for your reply. Could you be more specific about what you mean by 'dynamics'?


"Dynamics" would be how the two of you interact, the normal flow of your communication and relationship.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think you're lying to yourself. If she really loved you she'd be having sex with you.



I partially agree, partially disagree. After all, you can love your brother or sister, but you don't sleep with them. And that is the kind of relationship I see here. If she wants that fine, but that doesn't mean you two should continue in a marriage this way. 

To the OP, if she loved you, wouldn't she at least be willing to talk about something that is bothering you so much? Being "shy" is not an excuse. You don't need to discuss sexual techniques in detail. But she at least owes you an explanation about why she is shutting you out.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think you're lying to yourself. If she really loved you she'd be having sex with you. I get that you really really want to believe she loves you, but I don't buy it. Also you're lying to yourself when you say everything else about the marriage is great. That's what most sexless nice guys say. It just isn't true. Magical thinking.


I have to disagree with having sex = love.

Sex is a choice... 

Love is a choice...

Dancing is a choice....

That is like saying your spouse does not love you if they refuse to dance with you. Perhaps they just don't like dancing with you. That says NOTHING about love. Of course once in a while you may get up the guts to dance just to show you can.

They are mutually exclusive. Perhaps for men sex equates to love more than in women. I can tell you first hand that sex does not equal love. Sure it enhances loving feelings and a sense of fairness but that's about it.

I am certain there are women who have sex with their spouse and DON'T love them. 

Sometimes you just have to accept (to a point) your spouse isn't into sex with you... that says nothing about the love of your spouse for you. That being said there needs to be a dialog with good explanations why its missing and an agreement of its value.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Of course you'd say that. You have to believe that to stay sane. Otherwise you'd have left your loveless wife years ago.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Of course you'd say that. You have to believe that to stay sane. Otherwise you'd have left your loveless wife years ago.


Its the truth. You just got your feelings hurt and overstate what sex is.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If she doesn't want to talk, make her listen.

Take a ride somewhere and when you are about 30 minutes from the house start talking to her about it. This way she will have to listen to you for 30 minutes.

Explain that there is an implied agreement in marriage about monogamy and meeting a spouses sexual needs. You can't have or expect one without the other. You promised monogamy but not celibacy. You both promised to forsake all others, implying that you WON'T forsake each other.

Tell her that you assume you have been meeting her needs. Ask her to explain if you haven't. Then tell her that unless meeting your needs for a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" (not "sex") are met, you will be frustrated and resentful and less likely to meet her needs. And if that happens, you are just roommates and there's no need for a marriage.

Do not feel guilty about wanting to be intimate. Don't let her shame you by saying things like "all you want is sex" or "you want sex every night". Yeah, you do. So what?

Divorce MUST be an option. Otherwise, her current behavior will continue since there are no consequences.

All this assumes there are no physical or mental issues that would prevent an otherwise normal sexual relationship.

Have the discussion (or lecture if she refuses to participate) and leave the ball in her court.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As another idea to get her to communicate if she's uncomfortable would be to send her emails and let her reply. You could buy a notebook and write a page to each other every few days and discover each others needs over time.

Women often assume ED is due to lack of attraction on the mans' part. She may be embarrassed by admitting she feels you aren't that excited by her.

You could agree to be intimate without PIV. If it happens, it does. If not, no biggie. That would take the pressure off and just give you some very sexy time which could very well solve the whole ED thing in an indirect, low pressure way.

As her questions in the emails or in writing. Has she ever watched porn? What type of porn turns her on? Or take her to an adult store and tell her to purchase one toy and one video. See what the comes out with - you may find out more about what turns her on.

The guys all have great points - these are more ideas on communicating with someone who has difficulty with that. I'm one of those - I have mostly been embarrassed by discussing sexuality with my ex or a boyfriend. I would rather share my fantasies the ways I've noted. Good Luck!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You say you were married before. What about your wife was she also married before.


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## Numptee (Jun 15, 2013)

EnjoliWoman - I like the idea of notes/emails. As this would, I think, take the embarrassment and pressure off talking about how she feels.

accept - no my wife hasn't been married before.

She did recently tell me that her interest in sex always seems to vanish once in a long term relationship.

Me being me still think it's me but perhaps there is hope that the issues are with her *shrug*

Sometimes I think we're just not compatible in the bedroom.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The signs were there before you married her.....once every two weeks before marriage. That was a bad sign. I would keep pushing this issue. Get into MC ASAP.
Aren't you extremely resentfull that you have lost 6 years of your life not being intimate with the one you love?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

RFguy said:


> Welcome onboard friend!
> 
> I recently got away from a similar relationship. I, like you, thought the whole time that the problem is on my end and tried a million things to fix it. But ultimately, my GF had the same attitude as your wife here:
> 
> ...



Agreed.:iagree::iagree:


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