# The Good Wife: Part 4



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Current State:
My W's HRT had some side effects so we agreed she should discontinue it which she has. Mostly she has little desire. Intercourse is consistently painful so we have stopped having it. And my expectation is that we are mostly/completely finished with that part of our sex life. And yes we have tried all different types of lubricants. It still hurts her so it is a non-starter. 

So - ummm - given all those obstacles - how's our love life? 

Great. It is seriously great. It turns out that if your W:
- Saturates you with loving behaviors
- And once or twice a week you have a non-intercourse connection that is lengthy and pleasurable and offered with a loving spirit
- And you recognize that your W is cheerfully making lemonade out of a bowl of lemons

Than you feel deeply, truly loved. And you are happy. 

I am totally in love with my W. She's the best. Treats me like a king. Only a fool would fail to recognize royal treatment!


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## spryte (Dec 8, 2011)

What a wonderful post to read. Thank you and all the best to you and wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Good Stuff!


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Having lost her own sexuality must suck too, can you still do anything for her sexually that she enjoys? Or do you offer the physical a different way now.... say longer back massages or something along those lines?

Any chance this is a stage that she will pass through?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She gets the "extended honeymoon package" which includes:
- highly personalized humor
- super high touch factor including massages
- sincere positive feedback on the many things she does well
- reassurance that I do not have a problem with our inability to connect in the usual way - which is true - I have accepted it


UOTE=eagleclaw;547528]Having lost her own sexuality must suck too, can you still do anything for her sexually that she enjoys? Or do you offer the physical a different way now.... say longer back massages or something along those lines?

Any chance this is a stage that she will pass through?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Kudos to both you and your spouse MEM. I have very vivid, and distinctly unpleasant memories of how my ex and I addressed and dealt with this issue. Your writing about it makes it very easy for me to recall.

I may have asked you this before, do you have any notion of how long it may have been that your wife tried to tough it out before telling you about the problem? This was a big factor in my case, and I was horrified to learn, when we were still having sex frequently, just how often she chose to grin and bear it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Kudos to both you and your spouse MEM. I have very vivid, and distinctly unpleasant memories of how my ex and I addressed and dealt with this issue. Your writing about it makes it very easy for me to recall.
> 
> I may have asked you this before, do you have any notion of how long it may have been that your wife tried to tough it out before telling you about the problem? This was a big factor in my case, and I was horrified to learn, when we were still having sex frequently, just how often she chose to grin and bear it.


This hits a recent nerve with me. Some minor issues have caused my wife some temporary pain the last week or so. Nothing major and it is expected to go away very soon. I struggle in balancing not wanting her to grin and bear it against the gift that she so clearly wants to give (and receive).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The thought that the very thing that is supposed to be the most intimate, and pleasurable experience you can share with your partner, becomes a source of pain, or is associated with negative emotions; I find utterly heart-breaking.

MEM has consistently indicated that he and his spouse possess very effective communication, and a DESIRE to interact with, and meet the needs of one another.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Thanks for sharing MEM. It is a testament to the strength of your marriage and relationship. It is also points out the depth of your character and commitment. I mean we have other posts on this board from individuals who are questioning their marriages because a pregnant wife does not want to perform oral anymore. I hope he takes some time to read your post.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo,
I don't think you have asked this before. About 2 years. I still feel physically sick thinking of it.

The last time we tried - I asked her right at the start: does that hurt. She replied "I am fine"
Which is a classic grin and bear it response. I stopped immediately. We finished by hand.

And since then I gently steer us away from doing so
Ethnic I know will hurt.





Deejo said:


> Kudos to both you and your spouse MEM. I have very vivid, and distinctly unpleasant memories of how my ex and I addressed and dealt with this issue. Your writing about it makes it very easy for me to recall.
> 
> I may have asked you this before, do you have any notion of how long it may have been that your wife tried to tough it out before telling you about the problem? This was a big factor in my case, and I was horrified to learn, when we were still having sex frequently, just how often she chose to grin and bear it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deej,
This definitely was a process. For a long time she was afraid to tell me and did the grin and bear it thing for so long that she recently acknowledged that she tenses up beforehand which likely contributes to the problem. 

And the "grin and bear it" - well that is on me. I just never convinced her along the way that I react 100 percent different to "sickness" than I do to feeling deprioritized. In the former case I am very understanding. In the latter case I rapidly and relentlessly escalate without fear of consequence. 

But she didn't really believe that my reaction to "sickness" would be patience and understanding. I guess that isn't that surprising given how inflexible I was for 15+ years whenever I perceived any of the usual "priority based" excuses for not wanting to connect: "too busy/lower drive/don't feel like it" situations. 

I think the final shift for her occurred a few months ago when she broke down and told me it ALWAYS hurt now, the only variable was how much it hurt. And followed that with:
"You really should leave me - I know you can't be happy without that and you are still attractive and will easily find someone else. She then added in a very factual tone - I'm screwed, no one is going to want someone who can't really function". 

After several hours of conversation she seemed to grasp the notion that I had zero desire to hit the exit - zero desire to supplement our newly limited sex life with extra-marital activity - all this despite the fact that I had no expectation that this was ever going to "get fixed". And since then she has seemed to realize that I was sincere and am very happy with her/us despite the lack of - well you know. 





Deejo said:


> The thought that the very thing that is supposed to be the most intimate, and pleasurable experience you can share with your partner, becomes a source of pain, or is associated with negative emotions; I find utterly heart-breaking.
> 
> MEM has consistently indicated that he and his spouse possess very effective communication, and a DESIRE to interact with, and meet the needs of one another.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dean,
I love reading your posts. We are at about a 20% hit rate as for how often she gets revved up - and hits the rapture. 

This does correlate a little to what I do. Sometimes if I do something extra "hot" like your ski trip story - that works. But not always. And I am ok with that. 




*Dean* said:


> Great story MEM!
> 
> Mine still has the desire. If the trend continues, we will be in your boat.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For a while you might want to find other ways to please each other. If you create a pattern of pain it is hard to "uncreate".....




Tall Average Guy said:


> This hits a recent nerve with me. Some minor issues have caused my wife some temporary pain the last week or so. Nothing major and it is expected to go away very soon. I struggle in balancing not wanting her to grin and bear it against the gift that she so clearly wants to give (and receive).


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Current State:
> My W's HRT had some side effects so we agreed she should discontinue it which she has. Mostly she has little desire. Intercourse is consistently painful so we have stopped having it. And my expectation is that we are mostly/completely finished with that part of our sex life. And yes we have tried all different types of lubricants. It still hurts her so it is a non-starter.
> 
> So - ummm - given all those obstacles - how's our love life?
> ...


Well, what can one say, except that THIS is what marriage and love is truly about.

Best wishes.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Deej,
> This definitely was a process. For a long time she was afraid to tell me and did the grin and bear it thing for so long that she recently acknowledged that she tenses up beforehand which likely contributes to the problem.
> 
> And the "grin and bear it" - well that is on me. I just never convinced her along the way that I react 100 percent different to "sickness" than I do to feeling deprioritized. In the former case I am very understanding. In the latter case I rapidly and relentlessly escalate without fear of consequence.
> ...


And this paragraph really says a lot about all your posts and attitudes about sex in a relationship and the advice you espouse. Your wife was petrified to tell you the truth and has suffered in silence for who knows how long.

I know you are a decent guy Mem11363, but your wife must have felt (and maybe still) as a prisoner to your sexual needs (and they are not out of line reading others here and their non-stop rabbit like appetites). Heck others here expect it daily or more and get very testy when those urges are not met.

Mem11363, I've said it before, really take control of your own urges and masturbate and leave your wife alone..... Urge her to try all options to get better and assist her, but don't go near her in a sexual way (loving yes, not sexual) and let her work on this.

I do however wish you and your wife all the best.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Never heard of this Star. Thank you. 


UOTE=Star;548948]Mem, I recently read in a magazine about an experiment where women going through the change that had vaginal dryness were given vitamin E supplements everyday (unfortunately I cannot remember the dosage) but in just 4 months 50% of the women in the trial reported a significant improvement in their symptoms.

It can also been used internally/directly in the v*gina too and not just taken orally. So it might be worthwhile looking into if you have not yet tried it yet.

Vitamin E For Vaginal Dryness | LIVESTRONG.COM

Vaginal Dryness, Menopause and Sex, Libido, Sexual Desire, Relationships at Menopause[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

What about Oral sex,hand jobs,fingers, sex toys and Anal sex,there is a lot more,why does your sex life have to be over,I don't understand that part.I think its great that you are happy doing what you are doing but there is so much more then intercourse.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When I said we "connect" a couple times a week - that was what I meant. We don't have intercourse - we do have fun  





dubbizle said:


> What about Oral sex,hand jobs,fingers, sex toys and Anal sex,there is a lot more,why does your sex life have to be over,I don't understand that part.I think its great that you are happy doing what you are doing but there is so much more then intercourse.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> For a while you might want to find other ways to please each other. If you create a pattern of pain it is hard to "uncreate".....


Agreed. The problem appears to be taken care of, but while active, I paid very close attention to her. She assured me that while it hurt a bit at the beginning, there was very quickly no pain. While I trusted her telling me what she really felt, I also made sure to verify. One night, we should did other things for each other. Fortunately, we only had a couple of times where this was an issue, as her treatment worked quickly.

The difficulty for me was that the second time was her initiating with me and telling me she wanted me. Due to holiday travel and staying with family, as well as her pain, we had not been together a few days longer than normal. I was fine with that and happy to just cuddle that night. She was not willing to settle for just that and wanted more. I let her direct things to make sure that any issues were minimized. As I said before, I trust her to communciate with me on these issues, but I watch to make sure that she is not (even unintentionally) ommitting anything.


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