# Blended families from the guys perspective



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So I was on another thread and we were batting around this topic so wanted to get some more input. With my GF all things are good and we live together. The one issue of concern I have is that she seems overly controlling on all things related to her son. She has raised him pretty much on her own with very little help other than financial from her x husband.

I am bringing 2 daughters into the mix and her son makes us 5. She gets along great with my girls and they love her to pieces. I value her input heavily as she is a great mom and provides input for girl matters that as a guy I just overlook. When it comes to the reverse that's not the case. Any dialog about her son she becomes immediately and very Uncharacteristicly defensive about him. He has some special needs but all and all great kid. SHe is making some minor mistakes like over coddling and stuff but they have a good realtionship. 

This is concerning to me because at the end of the day it feels like their is this purposely made divide between me and him. I heard some others comment about the difficulties they had with blending families so I wondered if some of you guys would share your experience, good and bad, about making a blended family. I am possibly coming to the conclusion they maybe just don't work.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm glad you started this thread, because I am too lazy to.

When I met Mrs. Conan, she had a little boy who had just turned three.

Even at that age, a boy does not want another man with his mom. It is something kind of primal.

I just loved him and did my best to provide for him and protect him as my own as well as I could.

If he had been older, I would have taken it much slower.

Your best bet is to be like a "big brother" kind of figure that has good advice and has fun and show that you care for a long time consistently.

Your GF is just use to the male in her life not being there for her son. You have to convey to her that you have more than a passing interest in her and her son.

I know, you are living with her and totally interacting with her and her son, right? She is still going to need assurances from you, consistently for some time. She also needs to hear from you that you are bothered that she does not open up to you more concerning plans and activities with her son.

She needs to hear that, since you are serious about her, you need to have some in-roads with her son to make a good relationship with him. It is the only way you two can grow as a couple. You need to be allowed to develop your friendship/stepfather relationship with her son to have a chance.


You kind of have to just put it all on the line and vulnerably, love her and her son with all that you have knowing that it might take a while and it might not pay off. It is a huge risk but worth it.

It was rough for us at several points but we have worked through it all and it has been over 23 years since our first date!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I'm glad you started this thread, because I am too lazy to.
> 
> When I met Mrs. Conan, she had a little boy who had just turned three.
> 
> ...


Awesome. Thanks for sharing that.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Yup, sounds like what a friend of mine is going through, and it drives him up the wall! He married his wife cuz he got her pregnant. Don't think he really took the time to get to know her before having sex with her. Seen what he liked and just went for it. Busted condom, so here comes baby.
He says his wife treats her 1st born totally different from the 2nd child they share. The older son gets away with murder ( according to my friend and his sister) and the younger daughter gets into trouble for everything. My friend says the older son who is 15 will yell and scream calling him mom a B!tch and the mom just yells back and plays her games on the computer. If the younger daughter does it after seeing her bro get away with it, she gets her phone taken away and grounded...Not sure I understand the moms logic but then again she's got Alot of issues besides not knowing that the rules need to be somewhat equal between the kids. Monkey see, monkey do.....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

One of the biggest reasons for second and subsequent divorces is the issues around blending families, it is one of the hardest things you will do.

Mr H and I have 5 kids between us (tweens to late teens) and we sought professional guidance in this area as we are determined to get it right. Firstly I would not have moved in with your GF until and unless you were on the same page with regard to blending.

It is the role of the step parent to be a bonus adult, NOT a new parent unless the blended family happens when they are very young (toddler). I had two step parents and loved them both, they knew their role, where the boundaries were and they did not interfer with the bio parents role. 

Can you seek some professional help in this area? It really was worth it for us as we seem to be doing really well with our lot. Our family even extends out to our ex's now as they can see that Mr H and I are step parenting within the boundaries and not trying to discipline their child or take over their role. This Christmas will be , Mr H, his ex and their kids, me, my ex and our kids. We did the hard work up front, behaved like mature adults and worked really hard to get it right from early on because once it goes wrong there is little chance to rebuild any of the relationships.

One thing that works for us is that we are both on the same page when it comes to each others kids, we are there to support but not to parent.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Holland said:


> One of the biggest reasons for second and subsequent divorces is the issues around blending families, it is one of the hardest things you will do.
> 
> Mr H and I have 5 kids between us (tweens to late teens) and we sought professional guidance in this area as we are determined to get it right. Firstly I would not have moved in with your GF until and unless you were on the same page with regard to blending.
> 
> ...


Well from the other thread and discussion I think I just need to give it more time and see how things shake out. Shared parenting just comes a bit more naturally to me and asking for help especially. Even before the GF I never hesitated to call my female friends and ask their advice about things girl related. She had almost a decade of single mom under her belt and will take awhile for her to let down that control I hope.


The type of co-parenting you describe wouldn't work for me at all. I believe that their needs to be rules that everyone understands and that the adults, regardless of who, administers. I would never live in an environment where her kiddo did something wrong and I couldn't discipline or correct but instead had to wait for his mom to come home to take care of it. If that was the only option I defintely wouldn't ever get married till he was gone and we won't last the teen years for sure lol


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I assume you already spoke to her about this Wolf? # of times?

What is her reaction and most importantly what is her ACTION?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would also add that single moms sometimes experience a strange guilt concerning children that are no longer with their bio dad.

I have seen in my circumstance and others that a single mom feels at fault for taking the child away from dad even if it was the smartest thing to do. 

In our case, bio dad was a schizophrenic drug and alcohol abuser.

He would not get help and she had to leave him for her and her sons' well being.

She still felt tremendous guilt for denying her son the chance to grow up with his father.

It came out in a lot of special treatment and resentment towards me.

Our younger son, born to us, ended up being neglected for attention because our older son was always the center of attention, good and bad.

It almost did us in on several occasions.

I got so mad at her behavior that I told her she should leave and have a life with her son on more than one occasion.

It was really rough and we did not get counseling. We made it but the repercussions are still in effect with our youngest who is 19 now. He felt neglected for attention for years and got into more trouble than he would have otherwise.

He is doing better now but it will probably be years more before he fully recovers.

Getting some good counseling on this issue would be fantastic.

We made it but we could have made it better.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> I read some of your comments on the other thread and combined with this one, I have to ask.....Have you laid the bolded part out to her? This might be exactly what she has in mind.


Yes I have laid that out and I don't ask for permission to discipline and never would. This not a democracy run household and we are the adults. 

For example about a month ago all three kids were downstairs playing the Wii. I heard an argument ensue between her son, 11 and my oldest daughter, 8. The details weren't that important but what was is how they were talking to each other. Her son is very smart, very engineering like and direct. Struggles some emotionally and conveying things verbally. I wouldn't be overly surprised if at some point he was diagnosed as asbergers. Anyway I went down to intervene and by the time I got there he is in tears.

So asked what happened was he challenged my oldest on something she was doing, how she was playing the game. My oldest is highly verbal and very quick thinking, gets this from me, and ran circles around him verbally frustrating him and making him scream and cry because he felt she was making him out to be stupid. So I told her she was wrong to speak to him like that and he was wrong to over react to situation and scream and yell. So I said no more game tonight we are done. That further upset him and he went to his room to cry my daughter said ok and they went about playing. Done and end. I wasn't about to clear that situation with my GF. Had she been the one to walk downstairs I would expect her to handle it the same way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> I assume you already spoke to her about this Wolf? # of times?
> 
> What is her reaction and most importantly what is her ACTION?


Well that's the concern. She seems very indifferent about it. I bring up about her defensiness and unwillingness to talk anything about her son and it's met with a very dismissive ok. It's just this one area and this one thing that is so different. Can't figure it but maybe with time we will get there


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Let's start with some (rather obvious) generalizations: 
Mothers are often very protective of their children.
You will never love anyone more than you love your child.
Children with special needs are often require very specific parenting tactics tailored to the child.

Assuming the above is true for you, I think you need to engage your wife in conversations about the specific needs of her son. Then, step up as necessary. I can't say more without knowing what his needs are, but showing an interest in this child in this way will bring you in rather than leaving you in the outside looking in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Let's start with some (rather obvious) generalizations:
> Mothers are often very protective of their children.
> You will never love anyone more than you love your child.
> Children with special needs are often require very specific parenting tactics tailored to the child.
> ...


I'm aware she loves her kiddo. No less than I love mine. I have tried to engage and take an interest. But when I point out that he struggles in areas it becomes all out defensive on her part. Protection or maybe embarrassment that developmentally he is little behind? Honestly thinks she makes more out of his limitations than need be. I have little doubt this kid will be an engineer type one day and make more than us put together. That really isn't that hard to do lol


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