# Ok seriously.



## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

What do you do when you have grown so far apart during years of alcoholism induced verbal abuse that after he stops drinking you find you have _nothing_ in common with one another and aren't even attracted to your husband anymore? Like, the thought of having sex with him doesn't appeal to you at _all_. Ever. But you still find other men attractive, just not your spouse?
What do you do? I'm at a complete loss here. He is still attracted to me but I just don't want any part of it. It almost repulses me sometimes.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

sounds like you need to find a way to reconnect. all trust and respect have been lost and the two of you need to find a way to rebuild it. Mostly by spending time together and communicating again. If you haven't gone yet, maybe marriage counseling??


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Surprisingly, many marriages dissolve after the alcoholic/addict start to recover. I think part of that is due to the growing pains that accompany the recovery process, the hurt that starts to come out now that you aren't living in moment to moment crisis situations due to the using, and you both are starting to feel things that you may not have been prepared to feel. There is hope if you want to stay together, but that's a decision only you and he can make.

Just because he's quit drinking doesn't mean "it's all better". There are some behaviors/thoughts/actions that will still need to change, that takes time. Many people don't see that, they believe it was "just the drinking/drug", while actually the drinking/drug is just one symptom. That creates a lot of unrealistic expectations - on both sides. Also, there is working through issues that weren't worked though due to the using. I'm sure there is hurt/resentment/pain and anger that needs to be worked through. Don't run away from that as you'll need to work through that whether you stay with him or not, for your own mental and emotional well being.

So, perhaps you are pushing your self too hard, or looking at him and not liking the reality of recovery versus how you thought it might be if he were to quit drinking. 

What to do? Why don't you each focus on yourselves for awhile. He needs to learn to live a sober lifestyle, and you need to determine what it is you really want.

If you want him and want to work out your marriage, it is totally possible, and as lbell said, you'll need to find a way to reconnect. That shouldn't be rushed though. Counseling can most certainly help you with that, but also giving recovery some time will help as well, if you are both serious about recovering. 

Are you both in programs such as AA or Al-Anon? Those are both excellent programs that offer understanding in ways that only people walking your path can possibly have a grasp on. You might find some much needed assurance and insight into your situation.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

I've asked him to go to marriage counseling, he refuses. He says 'we' don't need it.. And 'he' may not. He won't go to church, he won't do any of these things. I don't know what to do.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

What to do depends on what you want. Do you want to remain married to him? Do you want to WANT him again? Or do you want to go your separate ways? Even if you don't want to be with him anymore, do you want to give the marriage another try? What do you want?


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

I don't know what I want. Is it normal after a decade of marriage to find yourself NOT attracted to your spouse? At all? Not even a little bit? Like, ever. Is it normal to dream of a life without your spouse? Is it normal not to want to have sex with your spouse? Ever? I don't know what I want. I know what I DON"T want. I don't want to wake up ten years from now when my looks have faded and I'm more jaded then I already am, and realize that I'm still not happy. I don't want to live the rest of my life never knowing lust once again, or the feeling of wanting to spend all day in bed with a person. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling empty inside, like I'm missing something that I should feel. I don't want him to wake up ten years from now and realize that his wife just isn't into him. Doesn't he deserve someone who's 'into' him? Or is it normal for that to go away? I don't know what a 'normal' marriage after 12 years is supposed to feel like, be like. Is this all normal? Or is this irrevocably broken? I don't know. I just know that I don't want it to continue if THIS is what 'it' is.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

OK, let me explain this a little better. Recently a good friend of mine put on her Facebook 'Be careful and slow down on the highways! My husband works out there and I can't live without him!' and I thought about that. I thought about it because I thought how nice it was of her and how I wish I felt that way about my husband.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mom said:


> Is it normal after a decade of marriage to find yourself NOT attracted to your spouse? At all? Not even a little bit? Like, ever. Is it normal to dream of a life without your spouse? Is it normal not to want to have sex with your spouse? Ever?


i havent been married for a decade, just a mer three years, but i am not attracted to my spouse anymore. I think about my life without him all the time. ive planned it out actually. i think about other guys all the time. i dont ever want sex with him anymore. 

this is what's normal for me. i dont compare myself with anything else. You just dont know what you want, but do you really have to know today? of course you dont. you're OK just where are you right now and you are figuring out what you want. its kind of like the chinese finger game; if you try to force your fingers out they get stuck. Just slow down. Digest all your feelings without judging them. meditate without feeling like you have to force a decision. allow yourself to just feel, and take action according to how you feel. Dont judge yourself or try and think about your H. just think about you and what is best for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Mom,
If your husband was an alcoholic then you were more likely a co-dependent, a rescuer. The “reason for being” and the dynamics of your relationship have totally changed. It’s earth moving, big time stuff.

Long term desire does exist, lasted with me for over 40 years, not saying my wife was the same though.

You are thinking about counselling and it’s a pity your husband wont go. Is he aware of your feelings and how strong they are? Sounds like he doesn’t want to lose you. He’s stopped drinking but he’s still a way to go if he wants to keep you. But by what you’re saying about how you feel do you really think counselling will help?

Bob


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Seek counseling on your own and start working on yourself. Also, get screened for depression as it sounds you've been depressed for more than two weeks and that needs to look into.

Then, relax. You don't have to make any decision today and it sounds as if you are stressing yourself out feeling like you need to figure this all out. You don't. The depression could very well be taking away your joy for the things you did share with your husband - that and the unresolved issues brewing between you. But those don't all need fixed today.

What does need fixed is regaining your strength and don't worry about if you feel your into him or not right now, figure out how to feel like you are really into you. That might be especially challenging since you spent so long taking care of someone with an active addiction, but you deserve happiness and finding it on your own terms is worth the time.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

HH...thank you. I agree with what you're saying. I feel like maybe I need to see someone too. To help me sort out how I'm supposed to feel. Because I don't know.
I think sometimes I don't have the capacity to feel. I'm not being whiny. I'm really not. But to be honest, I was molested by my stepfather when I was a pre-teen and my first marriage was scary abusive. After escaping that marriage I was told I had PTSD. I never really dealt with it. I'm not one to revisit those times. Don't even like to think about them. Maybe I turned off the 'emotion valve'? I don't know.
The thing is, my husband insists I have sex with him, he thinks now that he's done drinking everything should just be ok. I should be madly in love with him and there should be no problems. He doesn't like problems. 
He now wants to move to another state. Sell our house, move away. He won't listen when I try to talk to him about it. He tells me thinks will get better as we go. But I don't know if I want to 'go'.
I cringe when he touches me, I don't want him to touch me. And sex with him almost makes me feel as though I've been raped.
I know this isn't a 'me' thing though, while we were separated for 9 months I was with another man and I never felt that way with him. Not saying I want to go be with this man, just saying that I didn't feel that way toward him.
I feel pressured, there is no work here for him but I have a career I've built for ten years that I don't want to leave. I won't have a career there at all. He says I can 'just stay home and do nothing' but that seems like it's going to make this worse. I have to have my career. It's the only place where I'm truly happy. Besides when I'm with my kids.
I'm at a loss. I really am. I don't want to hurt my husband, he's trying so hard. But I feel like I'm trading my happiness for his and the kids and there may never be a pay off.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I would at the very least get the PTSD checked out. My wife had a catastrophe in her family, I tried to get her to counselling in a few different ways but she just wouldn’t talk about it and she buried her emotions. But she was still getting triggers 5 years later and she was a changed woman.

Bob


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome, and that is why it's more important than ever to seek help for yourself. Talk to your husband and let him know you need time. Moving should not even be considered right now, only some intensive counseling, on your own for now to address your own personal issues. Clarity will come as you regain your own sense of self and recover from some of your own challenges. In the meantime, your husband should be focusing on himself. Just not drinking, is just not drinking. There are quite a few other issues that need to be addressed as well.


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## [email protected] (Jun 29, 2010)

Mom said:


> What do you do when you have grown so far apart during years of alcoholism induced verbal abuse that after he stops drinking you find you have _nothing_ in common with one another and aren't even attracted to your husband anymore?



Hi Mom, 

Start by assuming that there must have been something positive about your husband or you wouldn’t have become involved with him.

Then go on a hunt to find all his positives. Whenever your husband does something you like, comment on how much you appreciate it. Remember what attracted you to him at the outset, and focus on those aspects of him.

At the same time, for the time being at least, let yourself become blind for the time being to your don’t likes. 

Hopefully, this new sunshine-only policy will help you to rediscover why you married your husband in the first place!

Best of luck to you, 

Katie, Power of Two
www.poweroftwoMarriage.com


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

I hear what you all are saying, and I agree. Problem is, he doesn't. I wake up in the mornings and he has his leg over mine and is pushing his man junk on my leg in an effort to 'get it on' and frankly, it makes me sick. We have NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT...EVER. i asked him wth we were going to talk about when the kids were grown, and that I was worried we had nothing in common. He has nothing to say. Frankly, I look back and cannot remember for the life of me, why I was EVER attracted to him in the first place. Not saying he isn't a decent man, just saying he may not be the man for me.
But then, I'm not sure how a 'normal' relationship is supposed to be or how one is supposed to feel.
I feel nothing, I am fond of him, wouldn't want him to get hit by a train, he IS the father of my kid. However, I am quite sure I don't feel the way about him, that he does me. I know he adores me, he makes it painfully obvious. And I try like hell to feel the same way in return, but I just can't. 
Not to mention he hasn't worked in two years. I have been supporting us while he was in school. He's out of school now and has NO motivation to find a job. None. He wants to move out of state and find a job. Which is fine I guess. But what happens if I get down there, with the kids, and decide I made a huge mistake? Then what?
He is putting our house on the market as I type. I am pretty sure I want out of this marriage but experience tells me he won't let go. he just calls and calls, and cries and cries, until during a weak moment I give in.
This sucks. I just want to be happy. I am not. I feel tied to him because of our child. I'd give anything not to hurt my child. The look on my childs face when we split last year was the ONLY reason I ever agreed to another try. And I have. I really have. But it isn't working. And frankly, even if I could turn this around, I have no clue how. My parents combined were married and divorced 7 times. I have always said I wasn't going to be like my parents, and I try really hard to give my kids stability I never had. But I still feel like I'm trading my happiness for theirs, which is ok. But it's getting harder and harder to put my 'game face' on.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> okay, so there's a lot more here than my husband sobered up and I don't recognize him any more.
> 
> this is you, miserable and unhappy, feeling trapped in a relationship, hamstrung by your duty to your kids and your promise not to be your parents.
> 
> ...


OMG thank you. Just thank you. That made a ton of sense. It really did. And I know it isn't all his fault. I'm thinking it's our fault. I DO want a divorce. i really do. But I want it to be a calm matter, no fighting, tearing the kids apart, etc. I want to share our child, a 50/50 custody split. He wants no part of THAT. It's he gets him all the time or none of the time. 
But it doesn't really matter now. Because I'm going to do exactly what you said. I'm going to find someone to help me sort me out. I'll worry about the rest later.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Tears of relief. I am so glad I am not alone. Because I sure felt alone. Thanks. Really, heartfelt, thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit down and write out a list of what you need from him. Be totally honest, even if it makes you look bad. At this point, who cares? Make it VERY explicit on what he would have to do for you to start admiring him again. Give it to him and tell him that unless he is willing to make these changes, you will never be able to love him and you doubt you will move forward with him in life.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

I did everything you guys asked. I wrote down all the things I needed from him and asked what he needed from me. And for a while he did all those things. He even stopped drinking for 8 months. I stopped communicating with EA as I was told to do. 
I did everything I could think of. 
Fast forward to today, as I type he is in the backyard, the kids are in the living room, and I'm holed up in my bedroom alone. Things are back to normal, except he no longer calls me names. But we still don't speak, I can't think of one thing I'd like to say to him on any given day. I can't wait to go to work tomorrow. He still demands sex and I still give in because that's my job. He's drinking again. Everyday. I still feel like I'm coming undone. To add to it I've started dreaming of EA. The way I/he left it, it was ugly and it left me feeling more hurt than I'd ever imagined I could be. But I don't speak to him, haven't spoken to him in months. And things haven't gotten better. i still don't want to touch my husband, speak to him, spend time with him at all. I'm not attracted to him at all. I don't care what he has to say, I'm not interested. My house is divided. I feel like I might need a separation but know that if I do that we'll lose everything. I really don't want to do that to my kids. Neither of us can afford our home living apart. We could sell it but then that defeats the purpose of a separation. I give up. I think maybe it's me. Maybe I'm unlovable, maybe I'm just A-sexual. I see married people at Home Depot, or driving along in their cars, they smile and look happy to be with each other. My best friends all tell me how excited they are to go camping with their hubby or spend the weekend in bed. That's the LAST thing I'd want to do. I can't imagine what it must be like to be happy to just BE with your spouse. I just can't imagine. 
I feel alone, and sad, and I could cry at the drop of a hat. Some days when I'm not working I don't speak to anyone at all except my kids. When they aren't around I may not speak at all. This isn't me. I don't know who I'm becoming anymore. 
I've recently started dreaming of EA who is now in a good relationship. I'm happy for him. I want him to be happy. But I'm so sad about losing the one person who I felt connected with. I'm back to lonely, unhappy, miserable. If it weren't for my kids I'd drink a bottle of sleeping pills.
Don't freak, I'm not going to. But only because I have my kids. I hate my life. I don't want to be this person. I've told the husband how unhappy I am, he even relented and let me go away with some girlfriends for a week. I felt better while I was gone and for a little while when I came home....but it didn't take long before I'm back to this.
I feel so selfish for not being able to make this work. I've told the husband how I feel and he just keeps saying if I'd just try things would get better. I've tried all I can try. I feel awful about this. He's a good guy, he deserves someone who adores him, can't wait to have sex with him. When I think about him having another relationship it doesn't bother me at all. I hope he does. I want him to be happy. 
But I don't know how to make it work. I can't. And it makes me so completely unhappy and sad that it just encompasses my everyday. I can't fix this. And frankly, I don't think anyone can. We've just grown so far apart that it's impossible.I love him, but I love him like he's my brother. We've been through a lot together, I don't wish him harm, quite the opposite. And I feel guilty and selfish that I can't be the person to give it.
I just want to be left alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry it's turned out this way. You did the right thing by ending the EA; I'm sure you know that, deep down. 

One thing is that you can't have a good relationship with your husband if he's an alcoholic. If he won't stop drinking, you should first let him know that you will be taking steps to separate because of his drinking, and then start saving up to do so.

The other thing is, what happened to the changes? Why did he stop doing what you asked for, and what did you do when he stopped doing them? What happened?


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Nothing happened. It's not like one day it all just went back to the way it was. I guess it started when he kept pestering me, that as a man, he should be allowed to drink a few beers here and there until I relented. A few beers once a week turned into a few beers a couple nights a week, then into beers every night. Before you know it he's grumpy and screaming and cussing at the kids again. He called our son (he's 8) an idiot the other day. I told him to stop doing that, don't call the kids names but as usual justifies his behavior with theirs. It just makes me so uptight. I tried talking to him but as usual he just starts cussing and yelling so I stopped trying Naturally it is our fault he can't take life anymore and has to drink to de-stress. Hey, whatever. The kids drive him nuts, the dogs drive him nuts. If I hear 'see? this is why i'm so stressed' one more time I may go postal. Their are a million examples of why he has to drink, all of them the fault of the kids. I give up. I hate to because I really want my kids to have 'normal' but I can't give them that. And I realize it. And it hurts me to think I'm going to hurt him by ending it, but I really feel like I'm just ripping the band aid off slowly so to speak. It's not going to get any better. Ever. I know that now. It's just a cycle, the same cycle we've been on for 13 years. I yell, he quits drinking for awhile and then slowly works his way back into drinking everyday. The only time he doesn't is when I won't give him money. Then he's just mad. Which is no fun either. I cannot make this man happy. And he cannot make me happy. But deciding to end it is no picnic either. I am at a loss. I really am. I thought this time, since I really did pack up and leave, and he PROMISED, SWORE that he was going to quit and that if he didn't he would willingly move out, I thought he meant it. 
I was really hoping to make this work for the sake of my kids. Now I'm going to feel guilty for the rest of my life for ruining their lives and his.
But I can't see how staying is going to be any better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It won't. The ONLY way he will ever improve is if he has a reason to quit drinking. You will never give him the reason by staying with him. 

Find an Alanon meeting and start going. They will have resources for you to use to help you get out and start protecting your children.

Also go to United Way to find your local office and see what they can do to help you move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and no more relenting, ok? The next time you catch yourself giving in just to keep him from yelling, grab your car keys, gather up the kids, and leave. Take them to a park, to McDonalds, to the library - whatever, just leave. You need this for YOU more than HE needs it; if you keep on giving, before you're able to leave, you'll turn into a zombie, and then you'll never be able to save your children.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

First, I'll lend support to those who urge you to continue to work on yourself. What touched me about your posts is that you see how things should be, and you want this badly. Please keep focusing on trying to find a way to make this happen, and don't become jaded. If this happens, then his alcoholism has truly won.

Ok, I'm going to go on the assumption that you decide that divorce is the right thing to do.

Your situation is so dire that I'm sure that you can't see any hope at times. Its almost identical to my mother's situation with my stepfather. That said, at some point I think you have to accept that it will be hard to do what you know that you have to do, if you choose divorce, but things will get better. I think that this has made you stronger, and one day you'll suddenly stop and realize that it is getting better. 

My mother had to downgrade her home. It was hard, but she realized that her husband was costing her much more than she thought possible. In the past, you mentioned that he didn't work. In most states, a judge will not go lightly on him if you have children under 18. One way or another, you have to push until you get some support. A judge will focus on his rehabilitative responsibilities. Look at state opportunities for support.

I was personally all supportive of the goal of working on it until you mentioned that he would not attend MC, and keeps needing you to keep him dry. It's just so sad. You deserve to be the one who goes to Home Depot with a man who makes you smile, as you mentioned in a previous post. Use these feelings as the momentum for your first step. Tell your husband what you feel, and what it would really take to begin healing. Tell him that you don't want tears, begging, or false promises. You want a data driven plan. If he cannot committ to it, then he effectively becomes the initiator of the divorce. You're just doing the legwork.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Perfect.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

I told him. I told him calmly and firmly that I was done. We've already been down the "I'll quit drinking" road and he always comes back to this. I left and he convinced me to come back and promised to stop forever. He swore never again. I can honestly say I've tried all I can try. He's hurt my feelings, my finances, my self esteem, my kids, my everything. I just can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with walking on egg shells everyday, listening to him carry on about the kids, the kids friends being here, the pets, the bills, the everything. 
I told him I wanted to sell our house and split the equity. That will leave us both with about 10-15K to start over. I want joint custody of our child, mutual parenting and I want it in the paperwork that he cannot drink while caring for our child. 
I don't *feel* the way I should about him, even if he did stop drinking. So much has happened, I don't trust him and I have no respect for him. And I can't see him ever gaining it back. I can't see me ever trusting him again. I'd rather be alone than this.
Thank you guys, thanks Turnera, Halien, everyone. Thank you so much for not judging. I really tried my absolute best. I'm just so tired of not being able to enjoy my life, to enjoy anything. I've spent too many Christmases already crying in my room because he woke with a hangover screaming, too many Easters with the kids alone while he stomped off in a hangover fit. I've spent too many days feeling lost, lonely, and sad. I can't live like this anymore. No matter what he does I will never trust him with my emotions again. Ever. I can't. I won't. So in all fairness, there's really nothing he can do. What he's done is too much to forget. Forgive, yes. Forget, no. 
I'll keep you updated. Thank you. Really, thank you.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Mom said:


> What do you do when you have grown so far apart during years of alcoholism induced verbal abuse that after he stops drinking you find you have _nothing_ in common with one another and aren't even attracted to your husband anymore? Like, the thought of having sex with him doesn't appeal to you at _all_. Ever. But you still find other men attractive, just not your spouse?
> What do you do? I'm at a complete loss here. He is still attracted to me but I just don't want any part of it. It almost repulses me sometimes.


DIVORCE!


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Turnera....I know ending with EA was the right thing to do. I couldn't have clarity as long as that was going on. I wanted to be able to make a decision based on reality and be guilt free. I needed to know that I'm making decisions based on reality and not another man. For me. I can't feel good about breaking up our life without knowing I'm doing it fro the right reasons and not the wrong ones. I think for the first time in my life, I have clarity. And I think it will be a long...looooong time before I enter another relationship. And at that time...my kids won't be a part of it. Ever. i will never subject my kids to another man. Ever. no sharing homes, no sharing lives. I think I owe them that much. So to answer your question, yes. I know deep down it was the right thing to do. And as much as it hurt, still hurts sometimes, I don't regret it and have peace of mind and clarity because of it. It wouldn't have worked anyway. I think I need some time to recover and find out what I'm all about. Because I don't know anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so proud of you.

And you WILL find happiness of some sort. I don't doubt just being away from him will be the happiest you'll be (AND your kids) in a LONG time.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Mom, I'm just now seeing your thread, but you inspire me so much!!! My best friend went through this almost exactly a little over a year ago. (Well, the divorce was final a year ago.) She said she is kicking herself for not doing it sooner. She has never felt so happy and finally free. I wish you the best of luck!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mom,

In general I am completely against divorce but in this case I can go either way. Our problem is that when a practicing (drinking) alcoholic stops drinking he is still an alcoholic, he just doesn't drink. His emotional development stopped at the time he started drinking heavily and he is still that emotional age now. His conversational ability is exactly on the level of someone sitting in a bar getting smashed. This is too big for the two of you and it is not going to fix itself.

12 Step groups are a popular and inexpensive way for recovering (trying to get better) alcoholics to gradually ease their way back into the regular (civilian) world. There are other programs that cost more, have better seating and coffee, and cost more for relatively the same result. Going to meetings 5-7 days a week, it can take 6-months to 2-years for a recovering alcoholic to adjust to the civilian world.

The best I can say here is that almost every alcoholic I have met has been a very sensitive, sincere, vulnerable person who unwittingly got themselves involved in something way outside of their ability to understand or control.

Good luck and I hope this helps


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Well, I said I would update.....I stuck it out and waited until he agreed we could not fix this. It is important to me that we do this amicably and as drama free as possible. We are going to give the kids one last family Christmas before we tell them and he moves out. We're working on paying off the bills we have together before then. 
Am I happy about it? No. Not because I'm going to miss him so much as I'm sad that it's over. I wish it could have been different. I can't be angry at him either, he's as frustrated as I am but also wants to move on and find happiness. It's pretty clear to both of us that we just aren't good for each other, maybe we never were. There are certain things I won't tolerate and there are things he won't tolerate. 
I do feel kind of guilty the way that I forced him to wake up and pay attention. He was content to make promises and have make up sex only to go back to what he was like before. After this long I knew better than to believe he was ever going to change. So I forced the issue and stopped having sex with him at all. For several reasons. First, he wasn't investing any time in 'snuggling' or 'hugs' or even just sitting together holding hands on the couch. Instead, the only time he ever touched me was when he wanted to have sex. Second, he began drinking again frequently and eventually every evening, content that I would believe his empty promises...I've been doing it all these years after all, and not leave. Long story short, he became complacent once again and convinced himself I was once again trapped. He couldn't have been more wrong. And third...I didn't want to. I told him I would not be having any more sex with him until I wanted to. He asked when that would be. My reply was, maybe never. It's been months since that day and I haven't backed down. He became increasingly frustrated and demanded I *fix* myself. I told him no problem, as soon as you quit drinking I'll make an appointment for us to go to marriage counseling. he agreed to that......for about a week. Then he wanted sex, after all, he agreed to go to counseling...I should be appreciative. But I refused. He kept on drinking and I kept on denying him sex. I figured he would HAVE to face we have a problem and he would HAVE to work through it with me because he had no choice. 
Well, a week after agreeing to go to marriage counseling he was still drinking. A month after agreeing, he was still drinking. He's still drinking today. He now says it's not worth the headache and we just need to get divorced and move on. I'm ok with that. He told me I was going to grow old alone and be lonely for the rest of my life. I told him, I already am.
There's my update. Kids are great, at least he's stopped yelling and we've stopped fighting. We've stopped fighting altogether, we hardly speak. We sleep in the same bed and we live in the same house, but we are strangers. And I'm sad. And it's hard to get through the days sometimes. I'm fine when I'm with my friends, at work, alone with the kids....anywhere but in the same room with him. I'm keeping our home, he's agreed to that. I feel guilty admitting that I can't wait until he finally moves out. When he's around I feel oppressed, like the sunshine has been sucked from the room and it's gloom and doom. I know that sounds crazy but it's absolutely true. 
These days when he does actually speak to me it's to make say something smart, accuse me of cheating, or ridicule me in some way. But it's still not yelling and it's not often. But it makes it hard to get through the days. But I understand his anger, the man needs sex for crying out loud. And I feel for him, I really do. But I do not, will not, cannot, give in to make him feel better only to cry myself to sleep after. I refuse to do that to myself. Not only that, if I give in, he will once again think he can convince me to give it another try, he will beg and give me empty promises and convince himself that he can control me. 
So, I'm ok with his anger. He's going to need it to follow through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just feel sorry for him, to help you through. Because the one who's going to be alone is him...him and his bottle.

My FIL became a drunk; he was found beat up on the side of the road, went into VA hospital, where they discovered all his organs had shut down from all the alcohol, and he died there. We went to his address and found a 10-foot, rat-infested trailer we could barely stand to step inside to get out what little he had left, before they burned the trailer.

That's your stbx's future.

As for what he needs...leave him a bottle of hand lotion. meh


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I know many alcoholics with tons of sobriety; not only length of sobriety, but depth of sobriety. I also know alcoholics who are still drinking or are pulling "dry drunks." Here's something that was written years ago by an addict who got into 12-step recovery:

"My name is John. I am an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot, nor will not, change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say 'I love you,' I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs and booze that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and even steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And, until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."

All I can say is you need IC and Al-Anon. There are no requirements in Al-Anon, other than you try six meetings. If you find it's not your cup of tea, then fine. Al-Anon saved me from losing my mind when I lived, and felt trapped, in the insane world of an alcoholic husband. Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer, and it takes down everyone in its path. It's get out or be ready to get dragged. 

I feel for you. I've lived it. And moving? It's called "pulling a geographic" in addiction terms. So what if he moves? No matter where he goes, he takes himself along. No escaping that.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Prodigal...are you still married to him?
Big shocker....he's waffling again. He's now wants to go to marriage counseling-again. I told him I'm not dealing with his mind-f*ck anymore. I also told him we were staying the course. He asked for a kiss. I wanted to punch him. He doesn't get it and he never will. Again with the promise of not drinking. I'm going to look up some Al-anon in my area. It can't hurt right? 
I'll go to marriage counseling if he wants to...for real wants to. But it's up to him to find one and schedule it. I have a plan and I'm not deviating regardless. As far as I know you don't have to live together to attend.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The quote was from a guy named John who started his own recovery online forum years ago. My husband? His name is Chuck. He dried out eight months ago and got into a support group. We don't live together - haven't for two years now. However, we get along much better than we did when he was drinking.

There is a time when enough is enough. I got the empty promises, the half-baked attempts at inpatient rehabs, outpatient rehabs, A.A., counseling, whatever ... blah, blah, blah.

I got out of the addict's way. I got my focus, and my TONS of anger, off the addict. If I hadn't, I would have gone nuts. See, while the addict is zoned out in laa-laa land, everyone else is getting ulcers and migraines because they're being driven nuts by the insane behavior. I rode that roller coaster, then I got off.

Maybe hubby and I will get back together in the future. Who knows? Right now I know I don't have to put up with the mood swings, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality, drunken outbursts, immaturity, and all the other junk that is part and parcel of addiction.

PM me if you want more info. regarding online addiction sites for family members impacted by another's drinking/drugging.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Update (don't ask me why I bother)....he did stop drinking (again) for a minute. I don't even argue about it anymore, I couldn't care less what he does. I feel guilty though because I plan to take the house and half his retirement. I'll share our child equally. On the contrary, I'm scared as hell and sad that it isn't ever going to work. I'm not even going to bother with marriage counseling, he never bothered to call and I stopped caring. I don't care what he does. At this point I'm indifferent. Oh he's still begging and pleading while drinking/not drinking/drinking...but to be honest...it doesn't matter to me if he drinks or not anymore. I want peace. I am so tired of his tantrums, his attitude, his silent treatment....and his insistence it's ALL ME. If I just TRIED HARDER and gave up MORE sex he'd be better. Whatever. I don't want to have sex with him, I refuse to have sex with him. It always leaves me feeling raped. Because it's just sex, nothing more. Sometimes when you're awful to a person for so long a switch goes off that can't be turned on. I am no longer interested in a romantic relationship with this man. 
So...long story short....I have days where I worry I'm doing the wrong thing but I'm pretty sure it's fear talking. So I will undoubtedly be back for your wonderful insight and support. Even if I don't deserve it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You feel no attraction towards your husband because you have no respect for him.

He was an unemployed drunk and now he`s an unemployed recovering drunk.

You aren`t going to get that feeling back until he builds something in himself that is worthy of your respect.

Do you see him doing this anytime soon?


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

tacoma said:


> You feel no attraction towards your husband because you have no respect for him.
> 
> He was an unemployed drunk and now he`s an unemployed recovering drunk.
> 
> ...


No. In his mind I should just get over it and deal. So no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're doing the right thing leaving him. In fact, leaving him is the only thing that has a chance of helping him. And you deserve better.


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