# Resentment/rage over husband who only wants sex on his terms



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I've been married to my husband for a little over 5 years and we have always had issues when it comes to control and sex. I've always had a higher drive then my husband and I feel that he uses it against me. 

Our sex life was decent before we got married but after it started to decline in frequency. I made the mistake of putting a lot of pressure on him to have more sex and it backfired. Instead of getting more I got less. The longest stretch was my entire pregnancy and six weeks post-partum after my last child. I felt fine and would have liked to have continued having sex during my pregnancy but he wasn't interested and I couldn't force him so I had to be celibate for nearly a year. 

During that pregnancy I decided that I never wanted to be pregnant again if that was the way he was going to treat me. Also the fact that I had to work during the entire pregnancy in a physically demanding job sealed the deal for me. No more children. I had a tubal ligation and the excitement of unprotected sex with no consequences seemed to stir his libido. The quality and frequency of the sex improved at that point. We went from 1/weekly (sometimes once every other week) to 2-3 times per week and sometimes even 4 times. 

I don't have a lot of hang ups, I orgasm easily, and usually more than once. I don't see sex as being a huge deal. Sometimes I want to have an extended session of lovemaking with lots of oral and foreplay etc. I love to give him oral sex and he loves this (and loves to reciprocate) but it's like this is the ONLY way he wants to have sex. If we can't have oral sex then he doesn't want to have sex. This is so annoying because if I have my period then oral for me is off the table and he won't have sex with me for 7 days. I'm at a point where my hormones are going crazy (36) and that is just too long to go without it. 

What makes me angry is that when he feels like he doesn't want to wait for my cycle to end we will use an Instead cup and do it anyway. Well let the shoe be on the other foot and I want to have a quickie...forget it. We haven't had sex since last week and I insinuated to him that I would be interested in messing around. He acted like he didn't get it and then I texted him and made a joke about him "giving me some tonight" he shot me down right away and told me maybe Friday (this was Tues). Gee thanks. 

What irritates me is that he always controls the frequency of the sex. He also always controls how we do it and where we do it. Initiating sex with him always backfires and makes me feel degraded. I've tried to be subtle. I used to try to touch him more, wear skimpy clothes to bed, turn on something suggestive on the T.V. I get nothing. I've tried to rub up against him in bed, not wearing panties under my nightgown etc. I've tried to be direct with him. Send him a text message asking for a "date" etc. The response is always the same. It's like a joke to him. He will tease me back...petting me to get me excited and then leaving me cold. If we do have sex and I'm the initiator it's always lame on his part. The effort isn't there and afterward he tells me that he wasn't up for it but did it anyway because that's what I wanted. 

When I get on top he always wants to go fast and when I try to slow him down he gets irritated and will stop participating. His thing is that he always wants to be in the dominant positions or he wants to control my movement if I'm in a dominant position. Over the years I have come to feel like I'm just a vagina and that maybe he should be having sex with himself since it's like I'm not even there sometimes.

Yesterday really hurt me. I stopped trying to initiate months ago because I feel ashamed to be turned down 7 times out of 10 when I NEVER turn him down. I don't know why I put myself out there again. I should have just taken care of myself and not even asked. I got so mad that I asked him what was the big deal. He told me it was because he couldn't do oral and he was concerned about not being able to get my "motor running"

Uh, if I'm asking then my motor is obviously running! It just really made me angry because it's never about making love. It's always about a performance for him. It seems like I'm just a vagina to use whenever he feels fit and if he doesn't want it I should just crawl under a rock until he feels like doing it. 

After he rejected me yesterday I told him that his justification didn't make me feel less humiliated and that I would NEVER make another attempt to initiate sex with him. He had the nerve to mock me and say that when he came home he was going to "give me some and to be ready" I almost threw up in my mouth and I told him that for me it's mostly mental and that I was no longer interested. He insisted and I told him whatever. When he came home I was in sweatpants because I meant what I said. I don't want it. The thought of him touching me now makes me sick. Of course when we were in bed he did nothing but during the day before he went to work he was doing his usual feeling me up when the kids weren't looking. It felt gross and I pushed him away. I'm tired of being a tool for his stupid ego.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Ayla ~

From the way you have described your husband, he doesn't seem to have very many good qualities about him. How does he treat you outside of the bedroom - is it with the same lack of care and concern? Is he controlling outside the bedroom as well?

I think in this situation, you can only try and define what you consider to be the conditions that you are willing to tolerate. I think pulling back and cooling off from him may be just the thing to do at this point. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

God Bless.


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks for responding Enchantment. He's a good guy, he works evenings and I work 3/12 hour night shifts per week so we are home together during the day. This morning he gets up and makes the kids breakfast. He made me coffee and brought it to me in bed. He took our daughter out to the playground and then washed the dishes while I cooked before he went to work. That's the kind of guy he is. He works and gives up his entire paycheck to the house. I really don't think he fools around and he rarely goes out with the guys and leaves me home stuck. He's a really decent person except for the sex thing. I don't get it. Why does it always have to be a power trip? I just want to enjoy him but his ego gets in the way. We have discussed this issue before but it never changes. He tells me that if I want to have sex to just "jump on him" but if I do he gets weird about it. If I try to be subtle he acts like he doesn't understand what I'm asking for. Sometimes I will dress up in lingerie and make it blatantly obvious that I want to have sex with him. If he wants to have sex and tells me to dress up he is all over me. When I take the initiative and put on some lingerie his reaction is ho-hum. It seems like my options are wait until he feels like it or go without. 

I know my feelings are irrational but I felt like a ***** yesterday. Now I'm dreading Friday because that's when he will want to have sex and now I feel dirty and ashamed. I shouldn't have put myself out there like that.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, perhaps he really wants to be the pursuer?

Can you be very subtle with him - sexy little hints throughout the day without being obvious about it - a strategic button undone on your blouse, languid movements - rubbing lotion on your arms or legs after a shower? Light touches on his hand, shoulder, back? Would he respond to those little hints?

Do you compliment him? Do you thank him for the work that he does - for the extra things that he may do around the house? Do you think he feels appreciated?

God Bless.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I do think he is being controlling through sex and that's not a good thing at all.

that would kill my sex drive completely and make me feel awful.

However it sounds like he wants to be dominant in bed, and what turns him would maybe being the initiator/ aggressive. 

I think you need to have a big talk about sex and how you are becoming resentful. Stuff like this can ruin a marriage.

Talk to him about fantasies, why he does what he does etc.

Personally I like my man to be the initiator, but if I initiated and he turned me down a lot I would feel terrible, there has to be appreciation and balance from both people.

Also you feel when you have sex that it's all about him, he needs to make sure you feel good too, and that your sexual needs are being met.


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Update: I pretty much have given up on a positive resolution to this issue. It's always the same thing. He makes up a bunch of excuses but it boils down to his need for control. Well I've reached the point where if that's what he wants then so be it. I bought a nice toy in late Sept and I bought one for him too. When I feel the urge I take care of myself and if there is nothing left for him when he is ready...not my problem. 

Aunt Flo is visiting and before that due to fatigue and not being able to match our schedules we haven't had sex in almost two weeks. I don't ask for it anymore but I put it out there that I am receptive to his advances. He complained in a teasing way all day yesterday about the lack of sex so I hinted that I would be open to getting it on once the kids were in bed but nothing came of it. Once we were in bed watching T.V and he started rubbing my rear end and saying how long it's been and how horny he is. I started rubbing him back and told him we could jump in the shower. 

He sighs and says he is tired and that he is willing to wait till Friday. :scratchhead:

Next the topic turned to masturbation and he asked me if I have been masturbating and when was the last time. I told him the night before last and he asked me where and when? I told him I didn't use my toy but that I did it right in the bed while he was sleeping. He was shocked...said he had no idea. I told him that I get sexually frustrated and that since he withholds sex from me I don't see any other options. I asked him if I was doing anything wrong. He said nothing. I don't know what to think. So I'm only supposed to have sex when he wants to and I'm not supposed to masturbate? I guess I'm just supposed to walk around frustrated all the time and wait on him to give it up the 2...maybe 3 times a week he is willing to "give it up." Of course when I have my period I'm supposed to be celibate unless of course he wants to have sex. Whatever. I'm am completely 100% unwilling to stop masturbating and I watch porn too. So he can do whatever he wants with that information. I'm faithful and will do whatever it takes to remain that way. It's not my fault that dh is a control freak with a low sex drive.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

OMG! You are trying all the things I tried that failed... our marriages are very similar in the ways you have described at least. I was at the point of giving up (not being divorced, but living sexless which is the only way he was really happy bc I wasnt asking for sex). There is another way which isnt what most women need to employ bc their husbands typically want more sex. With you and me we want more sex than our husbands.

I read a post about thermostat (posted to me by Enchantment) and realized that all those "subtle" tactics (going to bed without panties, sending txts etc) were basically repulsing him. It made no sense to me until I read that article... warms think that by being more loving etc we are helping bring about warmth in our spouses... when the opposite is true, we are in fact making them colder towards us! 

For a few days I tried just clamming up and not asking for sex but its not me and I knew the outcome anyway... he would be happy and I wouldnt be bc we wouldnt be having sex anyway. I remembered when I tried not talking to him about sex, flirting etc he went 2 months and thought we had been really happy and good:scratchhead: during that time.... when I resumed talks about sex, he was more resistent than ever.

I then read the man up posts and decided that might be what it takes bc I wa sin the typical husband position and husband was acting more like a typical wife. In the approach, you cant "reward" your spouse for not giving you sex by continuing to meet their non-sexual needs. So, like the nice guys on this forum, but maybe even a bit more extreme... I stopped cooking for him, grocery shopping (except for the kids), cleaning, which are all the things he relies on me for. I sat on the deck (we had great fortunately) instead of sitting and watching tv with him at night, or I went to my friends, or just out... I had a busy week!

Within 2 days he was sending me nice txt messages (I did not respond). He had sex with me 5 times this weekend and left me breathless..... that hasnt happened since dating days. I posted just after you about more successes with this. I cant believe it! Who would have thought that a wife could use the man up approach successfully? You may want to explore this before you give up. I was willing to try it bc I felt I had nothing to lose and anything to gain... before now I was afraid that it would backlash into less sex... but who was I kidding... going from once every 2 months to nothing really wouldnt have been that big of a loss anyway. 

Now he is giving to me in sexual ways and other ways as well... Im smiling, thats all I can say:smthumbup:


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Toolate. I'll give it a shot and see if it works. Re-reading my posts maybe I do come off too aggressively at times. I'm always so "ready" that I guess I get overly enthusiastic and jump on him when he gives the slightest sign of interest. Maybe if I had waited it out a little bit instead of suggesting the shower things would have went differently. I hope it works.


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I had a melt down out of frustration about half an hour ago. 

All last week I was very busy working and we had no sex. This week we had four days off together and next week it's back to the crazy schedule so you think he would want to get it while he can but no. 

The only time he wants it is when it's his idea so of course dh wanted to have sex when I came home from working overnight on Monday morning. I was so tired I could barely participate but I didn't want to turn him down. I thought a repeat when I was less tired would be nice and I waited for him to initiate but of course he didn't. 


On Tuesday night I showered and he was just lying there not looking interested. I didn't say anything or touch him but finally he showered and we have sex. It was pretty mediocre and afterward he told me that he did it because I had showered and he thought I would have an attitude if we didn't have sex. How insulting. 

Anyway, today is Thurs and I'm going to be busy until Sat morning and then next week is extremely hectic for me. I know that with a husband like him I shouldn't even feel in the mood to have sex but I really can't help myself. Maybe it's my hormones but I honestly have the desire to have sex at least 4x weekly so a day in between isn't bad but longer than that and I just want it already. 

He's playful all morning. He follows me around the house and slaps my rear end and tells me he had a wet dream about me last night but no sex. Why would a man go to bed horny when he has a woman lying right next to him that isn't going to say no is beyond me? Why is he telling me this? Does he think I'm supposed to be happy to hear it? 

After he tells me all of that and spends half the morning chasing me, spanking me, pinching my nipples etc. he tells me that he wants to have sex tomorrow morning when I come home from work!? Wtf? What is up with that? I've been home since Monday...I'm here flesh and blood with you right now, the kids are in school...the toddler is sleeping, and you want to wait until tomorrow! Ugh it's so frustrating. I'm tired of this guy. 

I decide to try to nap since I have to work tonight and I showered before I did. I didn't try to make any moves towards him because I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I get into bed and he is in the living playing on the stupid X-box. I decide to watch a lil porn on my phone and masturbate. He comes into the room the first time to "play" I hid my phone and I was being responsive to him but he just left after a little while. :scratchhead: So I resume what I was doing but before I could do anything he comes back again and demands to know what I'm doing on my phone. 

At first I didn't tell him but he started to brow beat me. So I told him you know what I'm doing...why do you keep coming in here and disturbing me. You don't want to have sex so leave me alone and let me do what I have to do. He sort of laughs at me and says let me help you out and he shuts the door on his way out. 

This guy is unbelievable.

He goes out to the store a little while after that and comes back and offers me a sandwich. :scratchhead: I get out of bed to use the bathroom and said I don't want a sandwich I want a new husband. He said huh? I said you heard me I don't want a damn sandwich...I want to be married to someone else. I go back to the bedroom. He is still in the living room. I become enraged at this point. I go back to the living and confront him. I said maybe you don't care about sex but for me it's a deal breaker. I've been home days and you're just lazy about it. I said I don't know if you weren't attracted to me and you married me because you thought I was a good person or had a good personality but that's you're mistake because I can't live like this. Sex is important to me and I'm tried of you're lame f*cking excuses. This is like being in prison because I can't get what I want here and it's not like I can go out and get it someplace else. 

He says NOTHING! I walk back to the bedroom...again...a few minutes later he quietly leaves to pick up our daughter from school...half an hour earlier than usual. 

I can't take him anymore. I guess I'm too intense and needy for him. I guess he isn't into me sexually. There's nothing I can do about this. I can't make him want me and I can't live with someone who just isn't that into me.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Next time he catches you with your phone - tell him exactly what you're doing and ask him to join you!

And - if that doesn't work - keep doing it anyway!


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I wish it was that simple. He's just not interested. I suspect he prefers porn and masturbation himself until the urge is overwhelming and then he looks at me as a second option the 1-2times per week he doesn't feel like jerking off.


nice777guy said:


> Next time he catches you with your phone - tell him exactly what you're doing and ask him to join you!
> 
> And - if that doesn't work - keep doing it anyway!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

And you have children together?


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> And you have children together?


We have two together and one from a prior relationship. I feel like crap for complaining since its not a sexless marriage but he makes me feel like I have to beg. I can get it but on his terms we can never try the things i want to try. He was in the kitchen and I told him that I hate it when he ignores me. He claims he is not ignoring me and that I walked away from him earlier and never gave him a chance to speak. Yeah right, a likely excuse...he always does this crap when we have an argument. In the almost 4 hours since he made no effort to say anything and he knows what time I leave. I guess he was just going to ignore me and hope I come home in a better mood tomorrow. Right now I feel like I hate him and just want him to go away somewhere. 

I'm actually glad I'm leaving for work in a few minutes. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't know what to tell you.

I usually make a "semi" joke about either masturbating loud and often - or just kicking him in the groin.

You DO truly have a right to complain.

I just don't understand some guys...period.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Don't know what to tell you.
> 
> I usually make a "semi" joke about either masturbating loud and often - or just kicking him in the groin.
> 
> ...


Yes. I don't understand this either. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm always fkn in the mood.

I mean....who ever says on thier death bed when your old...man, I had way too much sex in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SavageDoll (Jul 17, 2012)

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. I have been living sexually frustrated for 13 years. Sex is about power and control for my husband. He has been very nasty at times to me. However, I would like to point out that our sex life mimics that of a sexual abuse situation were he is playing the abuser and I am playing his victim. The more I act uninterested the more interested he is. The pushing him away has to continue until the end of the sex act or he becomes not interested. It sounds like your husband is having the same issue my husband is having. My husband's issues stem from childhood sexual abuse that went on for many years. Because my husband was male there is not much help for male sexual abuse victims. My husband and I have started marriage counseling to move past this problem. I have spent 13 years feeling not wanted. I will not spend another 13 years feel like this. You need to decided how much are you willing to put up with. Have children with someone changes everything. I am very open with my husband about the fact that had we not had children so quickly I would have walked away. My advise to you is you have two choices. Walk away now! I wish someone had given me that advise a long time ago. Your other choice just except the game. Please yourself when necessary, and push him away when he is interested. Let him chase you all the way to the big O!!!


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

<facepalm>

Someone has to patent a better way to pick our sexual partners. 

What you're learning is that the low desire (LD) partner in any sexual relationship has the power. Always will. He has you, metaphorically, by the balls. 

I'm sorry I have nothing positive to offer. I do not know how to fix your problem.


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Update: The only thing that has changed is that we have less sex than ever! Nothing has worked. Talking...not talking...turning the thermostat up/down whatever. He doesn't want to read a book or have a real conversation about it. He doesn't want marriage counseling...basically he just wants to ignore the issue and pretend that everything is wonderful. 

I've grown to resent this man and dislike him more and more each day. He tells me constantly that he loves me and that he doesn't want a divorce but it's always the same old same. A few days of improvement and then a relapse. 

I'm sorry I married this guy. If we didn't have young children together I would have been gone. I don't need him financially and while it's nice that he acts nice outside of the bedroom and is a good father that's not enough for me. I can't quell my physically urges and just be the passive f**k doll/hole that he wants me to be. 

We are down to 1 per week and sometimes not even that if I can avoid it. Sometimes while we are having sex I am just not into it and thinking: Why am I even here? What am I doing? I now have great difficulty having an orgasm and just have an overall decline in my sex drive. 

We've had numerous fights and the D word has been brought up. I just feel bad for my children. They adore their dad and they need a father in the house. This is so hard and I am so unhappy.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Ayla,

OMG Ayla, if *ANYONE* is in need of marriage counseling, it is you two. It sounds like you are clearly communicating your needs, but he is not. A third party to talk to might be very beneficial - he might actually open up and really communicate if he is put in a different forum than the usual arguing at home. Insist that you both go to counseling. He might not want it, but if you point out that the alternative is more arguments, then he might be willing to try. Or you could tell him you are going to counseling without him, and then he might want to go so that his side of the story is heard. 

If he's a good person otherwise, then you should consider there are other non-sinister possibilities why he acts the way he does. For example, it is possible that he has severe performance anxiety/issues and is deeply embarrassed about them, and so doesn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, putting pressure on men only makes this problem worse.

BTW, I'm deeply disappointed with some people's responses in this thread, like punishing your spouse for witholding sex, or whatever. Sex should be something BOTH people enjoy on it's own, and not used as a weapon or a reward.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Do you realize how much you sound like so many of the guys who are dealing with a LD wife?

It almost seems like it is human nature to make up TOTALLY BS flimsy excuses for no sex, and deny an HD partner.......Till my wife knew how serous I was about sex and how much I truly loved and adored her I got lots of BS excuses.

Does your H set the stage for no sex with "not so subtile" little hints during the day...Like..."Oh I'm so tired" or "I think I'm coming down with something? Just to let you know tonight will be ANOTHER "no dic*k night?


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

^^^ Yep. People say women don't have this problem and that makes me feel abnormal. I feel bad about it. I tried to go along with his "preferences" because I feel abnormal but that just makes me feel used and degraded. Truly depressed.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If he won't go to MC, start going by yourself and tell him. You need this badly. My h and I were in a similar situation except that he is more open to talking about it. I'm the HD and he used to be too until we moved in together. He wasn't as wishy washy as your h is. He didnt tease and when we did have sex we were on the sane page. 
Only problem is he doesn't like giving me oral. He also wont do anything sexual unless PIV is involved. 
Won't do it during my period either. 
Please get "intimacy and desire" and "the sex starved wife". 
It is true that the more the HD partner pressures, the less the LD person wants it. 
I too was convinced that he wasn't turned on by me anymore. I see now that isn't the case. 
I too got angry and would yell. All it does is makes things worse. 

We got into a huge fight because he had told me that he didn't like me masturbating and then stopped wanting it and I found out he was masturbating. It was awful, I threatened to divorce him. 
MC helped us SO much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Guest Guest (Nov 24, 2017)

Actually, it is a myth that men want sex more than women. You are not alone at all. I lead a private group for women, all about enhancing our sex lives. A lot of the women in this group suffer because their men have lower sex drives.

It sounds like in addition to having lower sex drive, your man is MEAN and SELFISH about it. From what I have seen with other women, it never gets better. Actually it never gets better for men with high sex drive, married to women with low sex drive, either. 

I think divorce is the best option. Don't waste more years of your youth. But sure, try marriage counselling before you give up. Don't waste too much hope or time on it, though. Sex drives do not change.

I think people need to date long enough to figure out if their sex drives match. I estimate this takes three years. Low sex drive people need to be together, and high sex drive people need to be together.

There are SO many men out there who would give ANYTHING to be with a woman with high sex drive!!! They will be so grateful for you and practically worship you!! Wouldn't you rather be happy and appreciated? Wouldn't you rather your children see you happy and relaxed, instead of always secretly miserable? Trust me, they feel it, no matter how you try to hide it.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ayla said:


> Update: I pretty much have given up on a positive resolution to this issue. It's always the same thing. He makes up a bunch of excuses but it boils down to his need for control. Well I've reached the point where if that's what he wants then so be it. I bought a nice toy in late Sept and I bought one for him too. When I feel the urge I take care of myself and if there is nothing left for him when he is ready...not my problem.
> 
> Aunt Flo is visiting and before that due to fatigue and not being able to match our schedules we haven't had sex in almost two weeks. I don't ask for it anymore but I put it out there that I am receptive to his advances. He complained in a teasing way all day yesterday about the lack of sex so I hinted that I would be open to getting it on once the kids were in bed but nothing came of it. Once we were in bed watching T.V and he started rubbing my rear end and saying how long it's been and how horny he is. I started rubbing him back and told him we could jump in the shower.
> 
> ...


Haveing sex 2-3 times a week is not low drive .

I think that's an average sex drive.

The problem seems to be more his controlling attitude about when you guys have sex. And his disregard when your on your period to reciprocate even when you take care of him. Seems like he a lazy lover .


I think he's also masturbating to pork and then doesn't have any sexual energy left for you.

I ask him how often he's masturbation. And then I would suggest that both of you give eachothe right of refuses before masturbating.

Your marriage is no where near sexless and I would hope with some good old communication that you could find a solution.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Porn not pork....lol


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it seems simple to me...you and him both have dominant personalities, but he expects you to play the submissive.

Maybe you should look up the term "switch". That is when one night you are dominant and he is submissive, and the next night you change it the other way. 

By dominant i mean you throw him on the bed and ride him on top until you are fully satusfied.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Zombie thread revived by a new poster with an agenda OP has not been here for 4 years


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

You both may enjoy some D&S especially if you are both willing to switch. Reverse role play is also a lot of fun....sex is supposed to be fun and not a chore


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)




----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Th


Lila said:


>


That zombie has more life in it than OP's sex life!>


----------

