# dealing with a lot lately



## Justplaintired_1991 (Oct 20, 2021)

So I’ve been dealing with a lot lately so I’ll start from the beginning, on October 2nd 2020 my wife of 6 and a half years cheated on me with our children’s friends father. She gave him oral sex and allowed him to touch her. I had earlier that day had a tooth removed and was laying in bed recovering while this happened. She came home from his house with the children and came right up to me and told me everything. She claims she disassociated and didn’t know what she was doing, but was very flirtatious with him and I believe she enjoyed the attention she received from him. I was working a lot and had crazy hours so I was always tired and I know I didn’t give her the attention she needed but that doesn’t mean her actions are valid. I am beyond heartbroken. In the past month since it’s the one year anniversary I have relived that day in my head every single day. She has shown me that she regrets it but I just can’t move past it. She is my high school sweetheart and we are going on 11 years together. I have made my own mistakes in this relationship so I’m not perfect either but I’m at a loss. I find myself constantly checking her location, checking the cameras at home and constantly living in fear it will happen again. I don’t know what to do anymore and my life is falling apart. Just now she was at work texting me on her break and me telling her I’m trying to be better and thanking her for being there for me turned into a big fight of how I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters. I work full time, I am the one who cooks, cleans, and does all the shopping. Her only responsibilities are getting the kids to school and paying the bills. Yes she works too but not full time. I feel like I am always the last thing on her mind and if I want attention I get brushed off and blamed for not being there when she needs me. What am I doing wrong? I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like this. I just want to die.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Justplaintired_1991 

You posted this on another thread so I moved it to a thread of your own. This way others will be able to give you some support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful. Of course you don't deserve to be threat like this.

Does your wife ever acknowledge all the things that you do, not only support the family, but a whole lot more?

Have you ever considered to stop doing all the things you do around the house and mostly just support the family. If she does not appreciate it all, why do it? What happens if you don't cook a meal, just ignore it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You’re not still in contact with the other family, right?

If OM is married, has his wife been made aware?

As for what you’re doing wrong, it sounds like you’re attempting to reconcile your marriage with a wayward that just isn’t cut out for it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So my thoughts: She came home and immediately confessed. That’s a big plus, but the fact that it happened….. damn.
So now she’s telling you she is resentful because “you’re never there for her”….
Although you work full time and do all the cooking and cleaning while she works only part time.

I’d suggest the following: Make up your mind on whether she is truly the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Get some resolve and follow through with an attorney if she’s not. If so, follow through with individual and marital counseling.

I honestly don’t know how to tell you to forget what happened. Maybe you shouldn’t and aren’t meant to.

I agree with Elegithat if your efforts aren’t appreciated, stop those efforts, at least in a way that benefits your wife.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

This is one year out and you're still going over every detail of her doings. That is completely normal. It also indicates that, like in most cases, you will *NEVER* really trust her again. She'll be late or temporarily missing and your mind will immediately go to: is she up to THAT again? 

In situations like this, a new image of our partners are burned into our brain and can't be undone. It's like writing a write once CD. One way or the other, you're living with that. 

Clue: you've been a much better H than she's been a W. And that's true about many parts of your M.

So it was "children’s friends father". What about "children's friends mother"? ..What does she think? And how did W end up "over there".

We're sorry. We know. We've lived it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She gave the guy a BJ after some flirting at his house, came home and confessed? I don’t think you have the full story. It’s rare to go from flirting straight to a BJ. It is very likely she was having a sexual affair but confessed to a BJ. That confession may have been to preempt being exposed by the OBS, neighbors, or even one of the kids? Did you confront the OM and tell his wife? Is the other family out of your lives?

You’re not secure in your marriage because your WW has done little to prove she’s a safe partner. You have rug swept her betrayal but the issues still need to be dealt with.

Why are you doing the time intensive chores while working more than 40 hours, while your WW is working part time and being a cold beotch. I sense that she still has no respect for you as her man.

How is your sex life? Did it stop? It’s very common for a WW to not be able to have passionate sex with her BH after giving herself to OM. Many are not able to have sex with their husband because they’re repulsed by his touch. Some are able to resume sex but it is no longer passionate. It more like she’s performing a duty. You should not tolerate either.

To get better advise, you should explain what she’s done since to be a safe partner. Has she done individual counseling to get at why she betrayed you? Also, how is your marriage since? Are you going out on dates? Do you have shared family friends? How about the kids? Are you guys a team or are detached?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Justplaintired_1991 said:


> . and I believe she enjoyed the attention she received from him. I was working a lot and had crazy hours so I was always tired and I know I didn’t give her the attention she needed but that doesn’t mean her actions are valid. I am beyond heartbroken. In the past month since it’s the one year anniversary I have relived that day in my head every single day. She has shown me that she regrets it but I just can’t move past it relationship so I’m not perfect either but I’m at a loss. I find myself constantly checking her location, checking the cameras at home and constantly living in fear it will happen again. I don’t know what to do anymore and my life is falling apart. Just now she was at work texting me on her break and me telling her I’m trying to be better and* thanking her for being there for me turned into a big fight of how I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters. I work full time, I am the one who cooks, cleans, and does all the shopping.* Her only responsibilities are getting the kids to school and paying the bills. Yes she works too but not full time. I feel like I am always the last thing on her mind and if I want attention I get brushed off and blamed for not being there when she needs me. What am I doing wrong? I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like this. I just want to die.


Why are you thanking her for being there for you? How is she there for you? 
I can't believe you put up with her saying you're not there for her when you work full time and do all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. She seems like an entitled little ***** and the only reason she confessed is because she knew you'd swallow up that **** sandwich like she swallowed up that guy's ****.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When you say you've made your own mistakes does that include cheating?

That answer will greatly influence the advice given.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Justplaintired_1991 said:


> What am I doing wrong?


Nothing, as evidenced by:



Justplaintired_1991 said:


> I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters.


Therefore, if I follow logic, the only conclusion there could possibly be is that you need to STOP paying bills, STOP cooking, cleaning, etc. And stop trying to be her husband.
Logic dictates that anything that "doesn't matter" cannot be "wrong".
Logic also dictates that anything that "doesn't matter" can simply be ignored.

Go see a lawyer and find out where you stand if you divorce, if you don't divorce, if you emotionally divorce, what are all the options. But make damn sure that whatever option you choose results in your wife having ABSOLUTELY NO MORE EMOTIONAL EFFECT UPON YOU.

Your wife is the "textbook case" CHEATER. And, as long as her attitudes toward you and her marriage prevail, don't waste your breath, don't waste your time, don't waste your effort, DON'T GIVE ONE SINGLE CONSIDERATION TO HER.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you ever discussed open marriage, or a hotwife fantasy?
otherwise, why would she blow this guy, and march right home to tell you about it?
Unless she expected you to get turned on and give her permission to go back for more!

otherwise what would explain her behavior. short of having multiple personalities, why tell you?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TJW said:


> Your wife is the "textbook case" CHEATER. .


well, yeah, she certainly is.
but that does not explain it, at all.
She was obviously horny, and this guy turned her on, and there was a window of opportunity -- that is why she did it.

but again, *why would she TELL YOU about it?* that makes no sense.

BTW, this was preplanned on her part. she knew you would be out the picture for some hours, planned on "accidentally" being at his place with an excuse to be there. probably flirted with him many times previously, and he flirted back. 
as soon as she was alone with him, i am sure she was playing with his body and pulling off her shirt. it was like she was playing out a hot porn movie fantasy.

and how do you know she did not have PIV sex?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> and how do you know she did not have PIV sex?


This rings false to me as well, if there's time for a BJ, there's time for a quickie. Cheaters lie and they lie a lot. I personally won't believe that there was no PIV sex going on. It is unheard of for a woman who betrays her husband sexually to do so in anything but the full extent of betrayal. My opinion is that this is trickle truth and minimizing and that there was actually unprotected sex between them. If not, she would be a Unicorn amongst cheaters.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would bet that the other man's wife caught him getting a bj, in the midst of an ongoing sexual affair. This is the reason your wife came home and immediately confessed, she was trying to head off a possible call from the other man's wife.

Your wife is a liar and cheater. Do not believe anything she says.

Drive to a parking lot and tell her she has polygraph test appointment in 20 minutes, then sit back and listen.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This rings false to me as well, if there's time for a BJ, there's time for a quickie. Cheaters lie and they lie a lot. I personally won't believe that there was no PIV sex going on. It is unheard of for a woman who betrays her husband sexually to do so in anything but the full extent of betrayal. My opinion is that this is trickle truth and minimizing and that there was actually unprotected sex between them. If not, she would be a Unicorn amongst cheaters.


I agree it's unlikely, but my best friend of 35 years did. She gave a guy oral but didn't have PIV sex with him.

How do I know? Well I suppose I don't for sure, but I've known her a long time and she's never been a liar. And we spoke at length where she told me a lot of unsavory things so I don't think copping to PIV sex would've made much difference.

This was a long time ago, and yes.. .her husband knows everything. It was rough seas for them but she gave him every transparency he wanted, and he had his own unsavory stuff anyway. They are happy today and just celebrated 22 years of marriage.

So while I agree that it's unlikely to have stopped at a BJ it's not unheard of.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

re16 said:


> I would bet that the other man's wife caught him getting a bj, in the midst of an ongoing sexual affair. This is the reason your wife came home and immediately confessed, she was trying to head off a possible call from the other man's wife.
> 
> Your wife is a liar and cheater. Do not believe anything she says.
> 
> Drive to a parking lot and tell her she has polygraph test appointment in 20 minutes, then sit back and listen.


I too think that confession was a preempt from being exposed. This was very likely a full PA that went on for a while. Even if she didn’t have “sex” at the very least she performed a very submissive sex act, which very likely included swallowing his seed. Things have changed in recent decades but many years ago, a BJ was something that happened after you were already having sex for a while. It was something that a girl did after she was sexually comfortable with a guy. 

I feel really bad for OP. He is trying so hard to salvage a marriage with a wife who is completely selfish and uncaring. She has him thanking her for being there for him and her blowing up at him. Freaking bizarro world.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I feel really bad for OP. He is trying so hard to salvage a marriage with a wife who is completely selfish and uncaring. She has him thanking her for being there for him and her blowing up at him. Freaking bizarro world.


This stems from him letting her "get away with" what she did without enough consequence. I hate to say it OP because I know it hurts, but your wife has no respect for you, and the fact she did what she did (and a bunch more that she never copped to) and you let her off the hook so easily, she feels like she can run all over you, that you are a pushover.

Time to stand up for yourself.



Justplaintired_1991 said:


> I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters.


Those words would rattle through my head everytime I looked at her. Since you don't do anything that matters, I wonder if serving her papers would matter?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This rings false to me as well, if there's time for a BJ, there's time for a quickie. Cheaters lie and they lie a lot. I personally won't believe that there was no PIV sex going on. It is unheard of for a woman who betrays her husband sexually to do so in anything but the full extent of betrayal. My opinion is that this is trickle truth and minimizing and that there was actually unprotected sex between them. If not, she would be a Unicorn amongst cheaters.


in this case it is POSSIBLE that it was only feeling her up and a BJ.
the kids were there playing in the yard or something, they did not have all that much time to get the grand slam.

But that is what i was alluding to, she was hoping he would say "wow that turned me on so much to hear about it. go back and get the full nine yards in!". He did not say that, though. he said WTF????

There was another recent thread where, during sexual banter, the guy told the wife he wanted to see her doing other men. and kept saying it as she orgasmed. but then he was SHOCKED when she said she was kissing other men in a bar, and wanted to do more. That woke him up really quick, a full cold dose of reality. I wonder if THIS thread is similar, they possibly discussed odd sexual things as a fantasy, and all of a sudden she thought that was the green light for wild extramarital sex? It would explain why she came right home and proudly told of her sexual conquest to him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am going to wait until our OP returns with more posting and answers to questions.

So many seem to post once or twice and then vanish.

Nobody enjoys those drivebys.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

There have been some very informed opinions on this thread about the real story.
Some have indicated she got caught in the act during an ongoing affair. That rings so so true. Hence the instant complete confession as has been indicated. 

The author should ask himself: hmmm... "my" kids were there... his kids were there... hmm... is there a wife of "him" ... no matter ... how did it come to be that your kids and his kids are in play time? Is that a regular. How many times has she been "over there". How many opportunities has she had to be around "him". Were the kids the camouflage? Answer that and there's your answer over and out.

Denial is the biggest enabler. There's evidence and we say "oh no .. that just can't be because they just wouldn't do that". Finally something happens and ... "wow ... yes they did exactly all that and more".


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters. I work full time, I am the one who cooks, cleans, and does all the shopping. Her only responsibilities are getting the kids to school and paying the bills. _

She is trying to rewrite history and justify her affair.

_I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters._

*There is truth in her statement if she applies it to herself *as opposed to trying to project it on you. She is never there for you and she doesn't really contribute save for her part time job. 

_She came home from his house with the children and came right up to me and told me everything. She claims she disassociated and didn’t know what she was doing, but was very flirtatious with him and I believe she enjoyed the attention she received from him. _

Cheaters are not know for confessing their betrayals without cause. Primarily to steer the narrative or minimize the damage if they fear exposure. Is the other man married? Perhaps his wife caught them?

As for her claim she didn't know what she was doing - *ridiculous*. Trust your gut. It won't lie to you like your wayward wife.

_I feel like I am always the last thing on her mind and if I want attention I get brushed off and blamed for not being there when she needs me. What am I doing wrong? I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like this. I just want to die._

Your wife sounds narcissistic. If this is indeed the case you are a possession. She could care less about your needs as her own are all that matter.

What are you doing wrong? Nothing. You have given your best to an individual that is not capable of appreciating it. That won't stop her from trying to shift blame for all her short comings and poor choices on to you. Do not accept responsibility for her poor judgement and errors.

Take your life back. Speak to a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. If your wife is a narcissist your life will be much better without her. I was married to such a person and can confirm this for you. Don't fear leaving her behind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I too am curious as to why she came home and told you about the BJ.

What was her rationale for that disclosure?? What is the reason she gave for telling you that? 

Cheaters typically only disclose that which they cannot deny. 

The theory that the OM’s wife or even one of the kids caught them in the BJ is about the only thing that makes sense.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Hmmm...you aren't saying what you did wrong in the marriage...was this possibly revenge on her part???


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

I'd like to know where the kids were when all this was going on?
I also find it very strange she suddenly came home and confessed. How long has she been going round to this other guys house? How old are the kids?

Is there a wife or partner with the other guy? She needs to be informed without warning.
Obviously any interaction between your wife and this OM needs to stop immediately while you decide what you want to do.

Don't stand for any of her BS gaslighting about you not giving her any attention, seems like you're putting in the majority of the donkey work in this marriage.

Don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

[QUOTE="What am I doing wrong? I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like this. I just want to die.
[/QUOTE]

What are you doing wrong? Just about everything.

Here are some actions you should be taking:


*You should be talking to a lawyer.* You want to wake her up? File. Divorce can be slow and can be called off if she gets her head out of her hind quarters.
*You are codependent to the nth degree. * Get your act together. You are acting pathetic.
*Stop with the making excuses for her.* She sucked another man's **** with your kids in the house. She acted like a *****!
*She is entitled.* After what she did, you want her to forgive _*you*_ for forcing her to act like a ****? *Please!*
*Google "the 180 for hurt spouses". * Do it religiously.
*Google "No more Mr. Nice Guy pdf".* Its free. Read it.
*Get an STD test.* It sets a tone.
*DNA your kids.* It sets a tone.
*Get yourself into IC (Individual Counseling), not Marriage Counseling.* It's a waste of time and money.
*Remember, "Strength and Honor".* *Let her remember you that way!*









g


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Justplaintired_1991 said:


> So I’ve been dealing with a lot lately so I’ll start from the beginning, on October 2nd 2020 my wife of 6 and a half years cheated on me with our children’s friends father. She gave him oral sex and allowed him to touch her. I had earlier that day had a tooth removed and was laying in bed recovering while this happened. She came home from his house with the children and came right up to me and told me everything. She claims she disassociated and didn’t know what she was doing, but was very flirtatious with him and I believe she enjoyed the attention she received from him. I was working a lot and had crazy hours so I was always tired and I know I didn’t give her the attention she needed but that doesn’t mean her actions are valid. I am beyond heartbroken. In the past month since it’s the one year anniversary I have relived that day in my head every single day. She has shown me that she regrets it but I just can’t move past it. She is my high school sweetheart and we are going on 11 years together. I have made my own mistakes in this relationship so I’m not perfect either but I’m at a loss. I find myself constantly checking her location, checking the cameras at home and constantly living in fear it will happen again. I don’t know what to do anymore and my life is falling apart. Just now she was at work texting me on her break and me telling her I’m trying to be better and thanking her for being there for me turned into a big fight of how I’m never there for her and I don’t do anything that matters. I work full time, I am the one who cooks, cleans, and does all the shopping. Her only responsibilities are getting the kids to school and paying the bills. Yes she works too but not full time. I feel like I am always the last thing on her mind and if I want attention I get brushed off and blamed for not being there when she needs me. What am I doing wrong? I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like this. I just want to die.


So she is at this guy's house with his children and yours, has a "episode" that results in her getting her tonsils checked by his penis while he examines her body for whatever and comes right home to tell you and is now being a b1txh?

First thing is to get her away from your kids because she doesn't seem to be able to stop herself from having sex with other men while they are present and doesn't know what is happening to her apparently and the second thing is get in touch with a lawyer concerning your separation/divorce and possible commitment of your wife to an institution.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So while I agree that it's unlikely to have stopped at a BJ it's not unheard of.


it is actually very likely. especially if it was the first time.
he got off, then he played with her and she got off, then the sexual tension was done and she went home. 

it would be the next day as she fantasized about the whole thing that she would start planning how to go all the way.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I say the following after having spoken one-on-one with over 1,000 men in your situation (or similar), and many thousands more online... and having experienced it myself.

1. She did way more with this guy than what she said. Way more. Just trust me.
2. The only reason she confessed right away was because she was afraid that somebody else would tell you first. She had to get out ahead of the story with a watered down version of the truth.

This ain't gonna be her last rodeo, I'm afraid. It rarely is. Just walk, dude. Get your affairs in order first. Talk to an attorney. You're in for hell, I'm afraid... but it gets better afterward. A lot better if you play your cards right.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Gotta love the One Post Posters


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