# MIL Problems!!!!!



## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

Looking for advice and perspective. My wife and I have different opinions on my MIL. My wife and I have been married for 22 years (together for 25yrs). We are in our mid - late 40’s. We have 2 girls age 9 and 12y/o. We live in a very small 2 bed / 2 bath home. 

My MIL lives 35 minutes away. She visits and spends the night at our home approximately 3 - 4 days (inc nights) per week. This has been going on for about 7 years. My MIL is 67 y/o, single (divorced for 40 years), no boyfriend for the last 15 years and she is very healthy.

I have to say I’ve had enough of my MIL being around so much. We live in a small home and I feel very intruded upon at times. When my wife and I are dealing with discipline issues with our daughters my MIL will interject her opinion that opposes our direction. My MIL over all is a fairly nice person but has no concept of boundaries. 

I have (nicely) talked with my MIL about not offering opinions during family disputes. These talks have not been received well by my MIL and my wife.

I have talked with my wife about my feelings of being intruded upon by her mother and to have her mothers overnight visits reduced and stopped. this has not been received well either.

I have been marked “the bad guy” by my wife and MIL. I am feeling so intruded upon in my own home when my MIL is around. 

Intimate one on one time with my wife doesn't happen when my MIL is around. I have to be careful what I talk about when my MIL is over because she will invite herself in to the conversation between my wife and I. I have to change how I normally live in my home. 

Last week I talked with my wife about how I feel and that we need to work on a solution. I was basically shut down and told there is no problem having my MIL around as much as she is and I should not have an issue.

This has been going on too long for me. This is causing my wife an I to become distant. I am so frustrated at this point!

Is there something wrong with me feeling like this and not wanting my MIL around as much as she is?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that what you feel is probably how many would feel in your situation and is completely understandable. My own mother nearly had a breakdown just having a boarder live in the house with us when we were kids. Your MIL isn't the person you chose to spend your life with, nor is she your blood, she is the mother of the woman you married. This doesn't make her suddenly someone you can live with indefinitely. It's your house too and you have a right to say who lives there. At the moment she is basically living there half the time. This is not a small thing. It's not an occasional visit.

What you don't have right now is a choice about who lives in your home. This is not a partnership, it's a dictatorship. Your request for space is not unreasonable.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your wife is wrong. She is putting you in a bad position. Once a week is more than enough forn MIL to be spending the night. 
You let this go on way too long.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Either your wife is to weak willed to stand up to her mom and set some boundaries or she prefers her mothers company over yours. How about when your MIL comes for an overnight visit you go spend the night at her place, then see who your wife decides is most important around the house.

Your MIL is causing a disruption in your life for no reason, she isn't ill or homeless, she is just bored and lonely and that's why she is there so much, plus I'm sure she loves the grand kids. Still....everyone involved needs to understand boundaries, first you need to hash this out with your wife, and then gently start backing the MIL out of your day to day lives. But it will be a losing battle for you if your wife doesn't side with you, you don't have a chance against those two women united. Like I said earlier...go sleep at the MIL's house and see how your wife reacts.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

You could decide to become a nudist 

Seriously though, your wife is placing her mother over you, and that isn't okay. You didn't marry your MIL. I'd be tempted to tell my spouse that if he wants to spend half or more of the week with his mother, then I'll help him pack his bags so he can go do just that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is no reason for your MIL to spend a night ever. She's only 35 minutes away. Your wife is enabling her mother to not get her own life. As it is, your wife is robbing you of yours. 

It won't be long before your wife will be demanding a bigger home so her mother can live with you full time.

Stop being so nice to the MIL. A little rudeness will go a long way in keeping away the leeches.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You could start with the jokes as you walk in, "wow MIL, you're here again, I think you need a boyfriend!", "Didn't we only JUST see you?", "Here again?! We're going to have to start charging you rent!", "Back again hey, have you got a crush on me?".

Or maybe you could break the cycle by taking the family, not MIL, away for two weeks on holiday. Sounds like you need a break.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

F*&K THAT FOR A JOKE!! You have good reason to be unhappy about this situation. Either your wife can't stand up to her mother and finds it easier to tell you "how it's going to be", or your wife wants a divorce. You would have to be a complete moron to not see how this arrangement is impacting negatively on your marriage. Both the wife and MIL should know!

Her health is fine, lives down the road so can visit any time. Makes your home life cramped. intervenes in your marriage like she is some second wife. I find this very disrespectful from a MIL. Also, I would be pissed if my wife sided with her mother on issues all the time. This is assuming you're not beating your children. You are being made out to be the bad guy. I would go all passive aggressive on this situation. 

I would pack my bags and head to my parents for a few weeks and see what happens. If they don't give a sh!t, she wants a divorce, and lacks the spine to say it, and just wants to push you until the pull the pin, to make you the bad guy. If she asks for you back, be clear that you though you married a WOMAN, and not a little GIRL. Reestablish your worth to her, then renegotiate your marital terms based on your findings. That's just what I would do.


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

Standupaddle said:


> My MIL is 67 y/o, single (divorced for 40 years), no boyfriend for the last 15 years and she is very healthy.


:lol:Why do i get the impression that when you say she is v.healthy you aren't doing it with a smile on your face


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Time for some serious ultimatums me thinks!!!


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

Does she look after the kids ? 35 minutes away and stays over 3-4 times a week? That is insane. Even more so if she is involving herself in family discussions that should only involve yourselves. Definitely need to get those visits down in count. Way down - maybe you could turn them into date nights with your wife ?


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## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> F*&K THAT FOR A JOKE!! You have good reason to be unhappy about this situation. Either your wife can't stand up to her mother and finds it easier to tell you "how it's going to be", or your wife wants a divorce. You would have to be a complete moron to not see how this arrangement is impacting negatively on your marriage. Both the wife and MIL should know!
> 
> Her health is fine, lives down the road so can visit any time. Makes your home life cramped. intervenes in your marriage like she is some second wife. I find this very disrespectful from a MIL. Also, I would be pissed if my wife sided with her mother on issues all the time. This is assuming you're not beating your children. You are being made out to be the bad guy. I would go all passive aggressive on this situation.
> 
> I would pack my bags and head to my parents for a few weeks and see what happens. If they don't give a sh!t, she wants a divorce, and lacks the spine to say it, and just wants to push you until the pull the pin, to make you the bad guy. If she asks for you back, be clear that you though you married a WOMAN, and not a little GIRL. Reestablish your worth to her, then renegotiate your marital terms based on your findings. That's just what I would do.


Yes, I am a moron for letting this go on this long. She does not want a divorce. I think she has fallen in to a belief of her thoughts and actions on the situation are normal, acceptable and should do no harm to the relationship and our core family culture. 

No not beating my kids either. As for me "pulling the pin", not until all possible ways to resolve the issues have been exhausted.


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## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

mr.bunbury said:


> :lol:Why do i get the impression that when you say she is v.healthy you aren't doing it with a smile on your face


I just wanted to "paint the picture" for you.


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## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

singleincome40yroldkid said:


> Does she look after the kids ? 35 minutes away and stays over 3-4 times a week? That is insane. Even more so if she is involving herself in family discussions that should only involve yourselves. Definitely need to get those visits down in count. Way down - maybe you could turn them into date nights with your wife ?


She does look after our kids for us but we seldom need her assistance with that. Yes, need to get the visits way down and the over nights to zero....


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## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

Cooper said:


> Either your wife is to weak willed to stand up to her mom and set some boundaries or she prefers her mothers company over yours. How about when your MIL comes for an overnight visit you go spend the night at her place, then see who your wife decides is most important around the house.
> 
> Your MIL is causing a disruption in your life for no reason, she isn't ill or homeless, she is just bored and lonely and that's why she is there so much, plus I'm sure she loves the grand kids. Still....everyone involved needs to understand boundaries, first you need to hash this out with your wife, and then gently start backing the MIL out of your day to day lives. But it will be a losing battle for you if your wife doesn't side with you, you don't have a chance against those two women united. Like I said earlier...go sleep at the MIL's house and see how your wife reacts.


She may prefer her mothers company over mine. My wife and I do have fun and she seems content when my MIL is not around. 

I may have to try spending the night at MIL's house the next time she's over.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg OP you have my sympathy. I do not understand adults who are so enmeshed with their parents that it puts their marriages at risk!! Wtf?

My mum is widowed, 65 years old and comes over through the day or for dinner and occasionally stays the night - the little person LOVES it when nanny sleeps over. My husband loves my mum to bits too, it's not an issue. But if it was, it wouldn't happen. My mum is very respectful and doesn't butt in, ever. She also has her own life, with her girlfriends and is a busy lady.

Your wife is being so unfair, and your MIL incredibly disrespectful.

I strongly disagree that you should sleep somewhere else when MIL stays over - why the heck should you go? I think your wife should go sleep at her mum's if she's so damn happy to have slumber parties with her.

I can't believe the disrespect they're both throwing at you!


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Standupaddle said:


> Yes, I am a moron for letting this go on this long. She does not want a divorce. I think she has fallen in to a belief of her thoughts and actions on the situation are normal, acceptable and should do no harm to the relationship and our core family culture.
> 
> No not beating my kids either. As for me "pulling the pin", not until all possible ways to resolve the issues have been exhausted.


No, no, I was not calling you a moron! I meant that they know full well that they are impacting on your marriage. You sound like a nice guy that is being walked over. If words are not getting you results, try using actions instead. Go out by your self every night your mother in law is over. When questioned about going out, "Well you don't need me here, your mum is here to help with the kids and anything else, I always get everything wrong any way, I don't know how to discipline the kids properly. I've done what you need of me which is to earn the money, best to leave the next jobs to the ones who know best, see ya"

My point is, time to stop being walked on. Maybe you could start hanging out with a single bloke that picks up ladies all the time. Maybe you just enjoy spending time more with him than with your mother in law. There is always a way to turn someones BS around on them, and make them eat it! Good luck mate.


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## Standupaddle (Feb 4, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> No, no, I was not calling you a moron! I meant that they know full well that they are impacting on your marriage. You sound like a nice guy that is being walked over. If words are not getting you results, try using actions instead. Go out by your self every night your mother in law is over. When questioned about going out, "Well you don't need me here, your mum is here to help with the kids and anything else, I always get everything wrong any way, I don't know how to discipline the kids properly. I've done what you need of me which is to earn the money, best to leave the next jobs to the ones who know best, see ya"
> 
> My point is, time to stop being walked on. Maybe you could start hanging out with a single bloke that picks up ladies all the time. Maybe you just enjoy spending time more with him than with your mother in law. There is always a way to turn someones BS around on them, and make them eat it! Good luck mate.


No offence taken at all...


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