# Living My Life for Others Makes Me Unhappy



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I've been dealing with anxiety for some months that seemed to come out of the blue and hit me hard and left me not knowing what it came from. It happens in waves and when it comes it's strong. And for a minute it's quiet and you think everything's okay before it hits you again. 

Because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching to pin point the problem. And I've always lived my life for other people and abandoned what I wanted for what the people around me wanted. I have dreams of my own I have a passion that I want to focus on and make a living off of. I want to work in music, maybe become a music producer. My parents they want me to stay home close to them, get a small time job and have a bigger family. Am I wrong here for wanting to leave? Just the thought of moving away (to pursue my dream) makes me feel like a horrible person, like how dare I take myself from my family. I know they would be hurt. I live in a small city, there's not much room for growth here in the music field. 

I'm unhappy and it's affecting the rest of my life. It's affecting my marriage. I don't know I guess I want to know if that makes me selfish to leave and follow my dreams. And if anyone has any tips for me that would be great too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you? 

How long have you been married?

What education and experience do you have in music and music production?

Where do you live (what state) and what state do you think you need to move to do this?

And yes you should find a way to live your dreams as long as it's realistic.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you?
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> ...


24 
6 
IOWA
new york, atlanta, or LA, just another city that has a lot of contacts that I can start making
I've been studying music from a young age, this is not a new venture for me.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Hubs would go along too?

No you are not selfish to want to do this.

I would have to know you personally to advise you other than to say that life comes with regrets whatever you do. If you stay you may regret not going; if you go you may regret that you did not stay. We never know for sure that we did the best thing.

Anyone who says they have no regrets is saying they have never made a mistake. And I do not believe there is such a person.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Hubs would go along too?
> 
> No you are not selfish to want to do this.
> 
> ...


Yes he would come along too. And thanks for the advice. I dont know why I cant just go. I know I need to but It makes me feel selfish and holds me here.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

If hubby would go to, then off with you both! If your parents really care about you (which I'm sure they do) then they will learn to accept your decision and be happy that you are pursuing your dreams. This door may not always be open to you, so go through it while you can.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You only have ONE life, you have NO IDEA how long/short it will be! (I have a friend who died at 32yo; my daughter had a friend who died at 9yo...both from cancer.)


Parents ALWAYS want their child to be happy.
You are young and need to live your OWN dream, not theirs.
*No-one else will EVER be exactly like you; no-one else will ever live YOUR EXACT life. Make it yours; OWN IT!*
If you try it and LOVE IT, good on you, Love Song!
If you try it and DON'T love it, the road that took you to LA, Atlanta, NY will also take you back to Iowa *IF* you so desire (or FL, or France or wherever). You don't HAVE to stay if it's not for you. *You can ALWAYS make NEW choices.*
I would have to respectfully disagree with tryingtobebetter:


> Anyone who says they have no regrets is saying they have never made a mistake.


*I live MY life WITHOUT regrets.* Not that I haven't made mistakes, because I've made PLENTY, but I also realize that I made the best decision possible GIVEN THE INFORMATION I had available to me at the time. When I KNEW better, I DID better. 

Why regret mistakes when they are actually LEARNING EXPERIENCES? I don't REGRET past mistakes (because I never purposely tried to sabotage myself), I just vow not to REPEAT them!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Slowly

Do you not regret it when your mistakes hurt other people? It was in that sense I meant it.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Follow your dreams. Your body (anxiety) is telling you something...

What's the worst thing that can happen? It doesn't work out and you take a job.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Both my husband and I have been where you are. We both took on careers that our parents wanted for us (not what we would have chosen). 

In my case my health began to fail and I just couldn't do it anymore (I became a CPA). I was having horrendous headaches and my anxiety was through the roof. I sought therapy and eventually gave up my career but it was too late to start over. I worked for 20 years and while I don't regret it now - there were parts of it I did enjoy I would encourage you NOT to do what I did. I'm now a happy homemaker with 3 kids so it worked out for me and that's all that matter.

My husband took the corporate route too and after 9 years they were going to transfer him AGAIN to another city. At that point (he was 30 maybe) he decided to pursue his dream of becoming a cop. I supported that and like me he wishes he would have started sooner. BTW had he stayed at that corporate job he'd be out of work now.

Oh and our parents were none to happy with our choices to change but they got over it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Do you not regret it when your mistakes hurt other people? It was in that sense I meant it.


Who would you rather hurt them or you? Your body is trying to tell you something. Listen to it or it gets worse.

Trust me I've been where you are. Get out while you can. Follow your dreams or this gets worse...way worse.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Just by the title and your thread it sounds liek you may be suffering from codependence. I do not know your story however feeling the need to take care of other people, fixing things for other people, and getting so lost that you no longer know who you are is being codependent. 

I am not trying to make you feel bad or do not want to make this sound harsh but I would highly recommend a good book called "Codependent no more". It basically tells you how to do exactly what you asked. It's not that you do not have hobbies, it's that you do not know how to break out of your current behavior of fixing, and being a caretaker to people. This book will tell you how. It's a fantasic read. 

By the way the only reason why I mentioned this is because I am also codependent and am working on recovery, this is exactly how I used to think. I may be wrong and if that's the case, disregard. 

Hope it helps.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Thanks guys. I think I need to go ahead and just do this and not worry about pleasing others and making them happy. Hopefully they can be happy in time for me.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Besides Pravius' EXCELLENT suggestion, may I recommend "My Answer is NO, If That's Okay with You: How women can say NO and (stil) feel good about it" by Nanette gartrell, MD.

I just started it TODAY (on page. 42) and it is EXCELLENT (was recommended to me by a friend here on TAM. Order it from the library or Amazon.com. You will NOT regret it. I'm thinking I'll buy it for my 15yo daughter!

*hugs* these books will HELP YOU discuss your feelings and this situation WITH YOUR FAMILY in a way that will make you feel HEARD without feeling like you're kicking everyone in the teeth with your choice.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Pravius said:


> Just by the title and your thread it sounds liek you may be suffering from codependence. I do not know your story however feeling the need to take care of other people, fixing things for other people, and getting so lost that you no longer know who you are is being codependent.
> 
> I am not trying to make you feel bad or do not want to make this sound harsh but I would highly recommend a good book called "Codependent no more". It basically tells you how to do exactly what you asked. It's not that you do not have hobbies, it's that you do not know how to break out of your current behavior of fixing, and being a caretaker to people. This book will tell you how. It's a fantasic read.
> 
> ...



Hmmmmm I never thought of myself as codependant. Do I really come across that way??? Your post doesn't come off as trying to be hurtful and I don't feel hurt by it. I think your trying to be helpful and I appreciate it.  I'm very opinionated. Idk. Like you said I have my own hobbies, my own interests, my own beliefs. I just have an issue with pleasing other people... that I love anyway. To the point that I sped up things in my life (getting married, having a child) to make my family happy and in the meantime put the things I wanted for myself on the back burner. My family has always associated me doing things for myself (like following my dreams) as being selfish.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Tryingtobebetter:
> Slowly
> 
> Do you not regret it when your mistakes hurt other people? It was in that sense I meant it.


I don't think so, Tryingtobebetter. I don't feel regret like 'beat myself up mentally/emotionally' OR 'I feel bad they were hurt'...more like dispassionate logic: 'how/why did I come to that decision? what did I miss? and why?'

...I don't know, maybe it's semantics?!?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Love Song:

You DO sound co-dependent (says another co-dependent named SlowlyGettingWiser). I have 'Co-dependent No More' on order from the library as well (but 'My Answer is NO' came in today so I'm reading it first!)


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I need to try something because it's affecting me so much. Sometimes I yell at my husband and blame him and really think it's him. I feel bad for putting so much on him when it's really my own issues. But I know that now. I can't let this affect my marriage anymore or me. I'm going to get both books. It's still weird though, I'd never thought of myself as co-dependent. Quite opposite actually.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Love Song said:


> I need to try something because it's affecting me so much. Sometimes I yell at my husband and blame him and really think it's him. I feel bad for putting so much on him when it's really my own issues. But I know that now. I can't let this affect my marriage anymore or me. I'm going to get both books. It's still weird though, I'd never thought of myself as co-dependent. Quite opposite actually.


The title of your thread tells a completely different story though. Being codependent is not necessarly a bad thing, it just means that we try to please and fix to the point where we forget about ourselves, we put other people way before our own well being and that really starts to eat at us. 

I also used to think that I was independent, did not think that anything was wrong, until I started going to a therapist. I told my therapist that I was not happy how I am treated in my relationship by my wife and that I was trying to fix it but couldn't. Turned out that behavior is completely unhealthy. 

I was trying to control my wife subconsiously to do the things that I wanted her to do, the expectations I had built in my head, I expected her to do what I did for her! 

Anyway, you may not be codependent, but the title of your thread is classic codependent thinking. Trying to live your life for anyone but yourself, is not healthy behavior.

Amazon has a Web Cloud Reader and I believe they have a preview of the codependent no more book, or the one that slowlygettingwiser is suggesting. Just read some samples from the book, you will know. 

Also read this: 

http://www.codaworldfellowship.org/pdfs/patterns2.pdf


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Love Song said:


> I need to try something because it's affecting me so much. Sometimes I yell at my husband and blame him and really think it's him. I feel bad for putting so much on him when it's really my own issues. But I know that now. I can't let this affect my marriage anymore or me. I'm going to get both books. It's still weird though, I'd never thought of myself as co-dependent. Quite opposite actually.


Been there done that. I used to yell at my husband because I was so unhappy. It totally was NOT his fault. It was mine because like you I was living my life for others and it was easier to take it out on him than to tell my parents "no".

And yes I too am a card carrying "recovering" codependent.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't think so, Tryingtobebetter. I don't feel regret like 'beat myself up mentally/emotionally' OR 'I feel bad they were hurt'...more like dispassionate logic: 'how/why did I come to that decision? what did I miss? and why?'
> 
> ...I don't know, maybe it's semantics?!?


Slowly

I think it is largely semantics.

I think I could get into a very long piece, if I had thought matters through sufficiently clearly here, about the role of memory, feelings about the past etc. but I have to confess I have not thought that long and hard about it to try to write something long (not sure readers would want me to either). If I can summarise what I think, it would probably be along the lines of where in the past I have made mistakes which have hurt other people then I will always, when reminded, think to myself 'I wish I had not done that' . If I have not apologised already, I would wish to do so. I agree with you about analysing what happened, why, how to avoid a repeat. I did not mean that people should constantly dwell on the past with remorse, guilt etc because of course that is not healthy. One should always aim to live in the present.

I imagine others are the same though I guess what I said will not apply to psychopaths.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

From Wikipedia 


> Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.


This is what I was referring to. I don't do this. I am not controlled in any of my relationships and am actually a very controlling person. 

The rest from Wikipedia 



> It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.


I do this obsessively. So I guess in a way I am codependent. 

That's disappointing but I know I've got to accept it. And thank you *SO MUCH* to the people who named this for me. Now that I know what I'm up against I feel like I have a better chance of changing it. 

Also Pravius thank you for the link. It's good to see how I think versus what's healthy. I don't do everything on the list but I do do several of them. And by pinpointing when I go into that thought process I feel like it'll be easier to recognize what I shouldn't do. I've been trying to work on it since I've read that.


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