# Being the dumpee, overcoming the pain, rebuilding.



## esrum1

I've been a lurker (and infrequent poster) on TAM for far longer than I ever hoped to be. All the same, the wealth of knowledge and collective experience of this community is incredible. It has been a tremendous help.

Without going into too much back story, my divorce should be final this week. Was married for 9 years, together for 11 years, one 6 year-old daughter. 

- Ex-wife separated from me in August 2012 due to unresolved conflicts in 2012 (full "move-out-of-the-home" separation).
- Counseling sessions during separation unhelpful due to my emotions of rejection and bitterness.
- Did turn a positive corner in December 2012, last about 7 months, even discussed moving back in together.
- A nasty argument in July 2013 led to her asking for a divorce. 
- Ex did not file for divorce, but following yet another argument in October, she retained counsel. I did the same. 
- I found out that my ex had been actively dating since beginning of October, and I finally filed the divorce petition on November 6. 
- Mediation took place on January 16, final approval expected this next week. 

I came to find out earlier today that my ex has been in a committed relationship since late October. He moved away in January, and she just returned from a 5 day trip to Chicago to spend the weekend with him. She admitted to being sexually intimate with him for the past three months. She kept it incredibly covert, but I imagine after spending a romantic weekend together, they're both ready to come out of the closet with it. 

The mind-movies of my ex wife's escapades and new SO are reeking havoc on my ability to function. I am feeling incredibly rejected. My self-esteem has been annihilated. Completely. The relationship is over, I don't ever want to go back to it. However, some small, fractional part of me held some hope that there might be some divine intervention. Didn't happen. 

I am the lowest I have ever been. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. The only two things that I can imagine would bring me lower would be a case of terminal cancer and loosing my job. Aside from that, I'm there. 

Where do I go from here?


----------



## unsure78

Sorry you find yourself here...its never fun...but at you said this place is a wealth of experience and information. 

So mind movies yea they suck... really the best is time to make then go away but one technique that helps is picturing a stop sign in your mind every time you start to think of it.... also fyi I still trigger 3 yrs later when a particular song comes on the radio...

Best thing you can do is focus on yourself.... workout, go out with friends, get a new hobby you always wanted to do...are you in therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hardtohandle

Look if your positive and satisfied with information then its not like she cheated on you. You guys were broken up long before Oct, at least in her mind.. 

If you read a lot of TAM then you know women make up their minds much longer before they actually leave.. 

But regardless you guys were on the outs and she got herself a rebound.. That is all this is.. 

If you think terminal cancer or loosing your job is a low point, trust me it isn't.. When your contemplating your own demise then its a low point.. 

The good thing once your that low the only way is up.. Trust me when I tell you when you think you can't do it anymore, you are doing it.. 

Every day when you wake up and say I can't handle this anymore, guess what you are.. You just don't realize it RIGHT NOW...

I cried 5 to 10 times a day for about 8 to 9 months.. I couldn't handle either.. I would sob on my another grown mans shoulder, hugging him, crying my eyes out.. This is at work in a police station.. 

Guess what I'm here typing this out today to you.. It gets better.. You just truly cannot see the forest because of the trees ATM..

The moment will come when you will meet woman who are younger, better looking and make more money then your Ex.. You will realize what the fvck was I crying about.. 

These woman will be all over you and be happy to have you.. Trust me. You just don't see it right now..

My thread is in my signature, labeled my mistake.. You think your stuff is bad.. Read my story and then you will be saying thank god Im not HTH... UNTIL you get near the end, then you will want to be me.. 

From feeling lower then low.. I have the world by the Ba11z now.. 

But all of this takes TIME... There is no magic pill, magic potion, Mantra that you can say that will make this go away for you.. 

Trust me if there were I would have found it and used it long ago.. The only magic is *TIME*..

Time and the patience. 

But trust me I couldn't handle it either.. But in the end I did.. 

You need friends, family, TAM and therapy.. If you keep this sh1t inside it is worse.. I spoke to everyone about my issues.. family, friends, mailman, UPS guy, deaf mutes that could read lips.. ANYONE to get this poison out of me.. Some gave crazy advice, but many had some great insights.. You come across some nuggets sometimes that make sense.. 

One of them was from a LT, who used to be my Sergeant.. He came to talk to me.. He told me life is nothing but choices and consequences of those choices.. You have a goal and sometimes getting to that goal is a straight line.. Sometimes you have to go the long way to get to that goal.. But the important thing is you get to your destination. 

You can't aways make the right choices, but you try your best to make those right choices.. Just don't be impatient if getting to that point takes longer then you expected..

I truly believed that.. 

Once I filed for divorce I went nuts waiting for it to happen.. Then one day it happen.. It was very anticlimactic to be honest.. 

It was like meh, I'm divorced today.. It was that simple.. 

Trust me again everything you read anywhere tells you that those encounters are nothing compared to the mind movies you have.. 

Your thinking gone with the wind moments and its more like a virgin having sex for the first time.. Your thinking XXX porno and its like a muppet movie.. 

Honestly think about the first time you had sex with your Ex.. It really wasn't great.. Now it is because you know exactly what buttons to push to get her off.. 

You think I didn't try those buttons on other women after my Ex.. Guess what they didn't work.. I had to find the new buttons.. 

Again all this sh1t goes away if you give it TIME.... 

Trust me you will come out of this much, much stronger.. Again you don't see it now.. But trust me.. I take zero sh1t now that even the therapist tells me I need to calm down.. It has cost me several relationships after getting divorced.. 

Basically what I was told, what I am doing now I should have done with my Ex.. But now I am making up for it 10 fold.. 

I am as loving as I am evil.. For me my issue is people are very surprised to see my mean streak.. When I love you I would save you from a horde of zombies at the risk of my own life.. 

But when I am mad at you.. I would feed you to them for fun..

Do the 180 listed in my signature.. It helps.. 

DO NOT EVER CRY TO YOUR EX... Bite your tongue until it bleeds.. Come here and cry.. Cry to your friends, a neighbor... ANYBODY BUT YOUR Ex....

Trust me the stronger you appear the better.. Today I only text my ex to tell her she owes me money.. That is it.. She has no clue what high school our oldest is going into and she doesn't care..

Trust me there life falls to sh1t as well. Your just not their to see it so you think its all roses.. 

Easier said then done. But I did do it, so take it day by day.. No rash judgments.. Have someone to bounce your crazy ideas and thoughts off of.. So they can tell you your retarded and nuts and your not going to do it.. 

In the beginning I was ready to fly off to south america and leave my whole family.. I would have paid my child support and such but I was so upset I wanted to just leave my kids as well. 

I was upset.. I was thinking crazy..

Today my kids are with ME..... My wife will be paying me child support.. 

Do you see how sh1t turns out.. I didn't see this a year ago.. 

Again its about time..

Keep posting.. keep venting..


----------



## unsure78

Not that I mean to highjack the thread... Hardtohandle you intrigue me..you sound very black and white, not many shades of grey.... how long have you been divorced for?

I am not familiar with your story, I may have to go read your thread later.. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## esrum1

HTH - thank you sir, for taking the time to write what you did. I can feel the passion in it. Hell, we don't even know each other, but you took some time out of your morning to counsel me. 

I fully comprehend the "time" thing. I try not to live in the past, but seeing how much my life has changed in a one year span of time (a total downward spiral), leaves hope that one year into the future can render different results. Time and patience. 

Yesterday evening, I led into calling my ex wife on the carpet for her new boyfriend, and for not having the decency of waiting until the divorce was final. That set her off like a firecracker. I won't do that again . . .

And Unsure, I appreciate your comments as well. I do stay busy. I have a good job, I fully engage my hobbies, I am picking up my work-out regimen. 

But all said, time will help me get over the trash going through my head. For starters, I can't keep wishing that I were given another chance before she started munching grass on the other side of the fence, or rather, have her grass munched on the other side of the fence.


----------



## esrum1

Just needing to vent...

Just sitting here in the airport, trying to collect myself enough to make a few sales calls as I wait for my flight. I'm a regional salesman in a fast-paced, ultra-competitive and high-stress market. I'm on my last leg. My professional performance has been very sub-par, as I have struggled to focus these past 8 months. 

Really good software salesmen are some of the most confident and energetic people I know. They're good at what they do because they have a connection with people and have an unshaken self image. I used to be just that way. Ever since the downfall of my marriage, I stumble on my words, my presentations come across as if I am distracted and tired, I get nervous, and get steamrolled over when it comes to pricing negotiations. My self esteem has been completely destroyed, and I'm in an industry where only the guys with a diamond self image survive. 

I have been replaced by a kid 8 years younger than myself, 4 years younger than my ex. He's got the six pack, played soccer in college, can sport a stellar bronze tan and just got his first post-masters job in Chicago. I've been replaced and she traded up and it's easy to see why.

I've got four back to back prospecting sales calls when I land. I really don't want to go.


----------



## wilderness

You are not alone, sir. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. I pray that time and the good Lord heal your wounds.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Man-up, dude! Get ANGRY. Angry that she took that away from you. Now take it back. What right does SHE have to make you feel this way??? Check in your pants - yup, they are still there, right? One of my personal mantras: FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. Go do your best acting job you've ever done. Losing your job will only make you spiral downward. 

Have you seen a doctor? You might need a little something for depression to get you over the hump.

What do you care what she does now that she has walked out that door? Don't discuss anything that isn't related to the kids. Rehashing it all just opens up the wounds again. Don't go back in time. This is the time to move forward.

ETA: After that pep talk I feel I need to smack you in the butt and say "Now go get 'em!"


----------



## Jellybeans

Stop with putting yourself down. 

Oh I know, you think this guy is so cool cause she is with him now and he played soccer in college, but SO WHAT??

Tons of people have/did. 

You are allowed to feel icky. It hurts. It sucks.

But the woman you love in your mind is gone. She isn't the same person anymore.

Distance yourself from her. NO CONTACT unless it is related to the divorce and/or co-parenting issues. 

Do little things for yourself. Call up friends. Go out. Buy something new to wear. And slowly but surely, you will begin to see that the pain lessens.

TIME is on your side.

Ain't no magic pill.

But I promise you... it does get better.

SO MUCH BETTER.


----------



## ne9907

Let time work its magic, but also put yourself out there. You will not believe how great you will feel after a pretty girl offers you a smile!!!

Do not cry for her anymore. It is OVER.

I recently found out that my ex is in a relationship with someone. I seriously do not care, but two months ago I would have been crying. I am not even upset, eventhough he just hit me up for money.

I am glad he is with someone else.

Life will get better. 

But I suggest you begin seeing her what she really is, do not idealize her.


----------



## LanieB

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, esrum. Vent here all you want. It helps. I'm getting divorced because my husband was having an affair - caught him twice - kept giving him chances, hoping he would want me instead of her. His affair has been ongoing for over 2 years now, and things didn't turn out like I'd hoped. 

I understand that rock-bottom feeling very well. I resisted taking any kind of med for a long time, but when I started having day after day of barely being able to function, I started researching antidepressants, (and spoke to friends about them), came up with one that rarely ever has side-effects, and started taking it. It helped me pick myself up off the ground. I doubt I'll have to take it forever, but for right now, I will continue taking it.

TAM has helped me so much. I wish I had found it before I gave my STBXH a third chance! :slap: However, I've made some really good friends here, and they helped me laugh and feel like myself again. Plus, I made a real effort to reach out to my friends/acquaintances IRL. You need all the interaction with people that you can get. Don't sit home alone every night. If you don't have a lot of friends, post here on TAM - a lot! Get to know some of the people here. There are so many who have been in your shoes. You don't always have to post serious stuff all the time either. Check out the Singles of TAM thread - they seem to have a really good time there! And Social is lots of fun as well.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

And I hope you know I'm kicking your butt with much gentle affection.  Tough love, if you will. This, too, shall pass.


----------



## esrum1

Enjoli - no worries, it was taken very well! Appreciate the kick in the pants. 

The three of us (ex, daughter, myself) live in Salt Lake right now. We are here because of my job, but have been here for near 9 years. We have no family here, but have jointly and individually built up a good network of friends. 

I am from Denver, my ex's mother, brother and his family moved to Denver a few years ago. My folks still live there. In early January, before the mediation, my ex requested to move to Colorado. At first I thought it was a great idea, but then my employer turned down my request for a relo, requiring that I continue to base out of our SLC office. The ex did not accept the fact that I was unable to move, and pushed for me to allow her to move to Colorado with our daughter during our mediation meetings.

Ultimately, I fell on my sword in a way, figuring that within the next 12 months I would be able to land new employment in Colorado and relocate myself. I structured the settlement to require our daughter to finish the school year here in SLC, then spend four weeks uninterrupted with me, and then she would relocate to Colorado with her mom - and hopefully me, assuming I have a new job by then. Custody is locked in at 50/50 when both mom and dad are in Colorado. 

Last night, during our argument regarding her new boyfriend, she requested that I let her relocate with our daughter immediately. Since mediation, she had been calling me controlling, narcissistic and abusive for mandating that our daughter stay to finish school. Claiming that it was nothing but a ploy to deny my ex immediate access to her family support in Colorado. 

This morning in my poor emotional state, I conceded to let her go right away, with our daughter. They are moving on April 4. I don't have a job yet, but this just got much more real.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Well, now you have a fire lit under you to embrace a new life in a new place complete with the support of family and new and old friends. How does your daughter feel about moving?


----------



## Lon

esrum, my marriage ended like how yours has. The worst part was feeling like I wasn't even entitled to call her affair an affair, since she had announced that she wanted out and put the writing on the wall.

I was fortunate that my employer has a really good benefit program with all the counselling I could use for free (well every employee makes a monthly deduction whether they use it or not). My counsellor really helped during the crisis to validate my thoughts and emotions so I didn't need to carry so much self doubt. I recommend a professional counselor highly, even if they don't solve your problems.

Knowing what you now know, is reconciliation something you are contemplating or have you reached a point where you know it is over and there is no going back?

If you are ready to move on, then Enjoli is right, anger is a very helpful emotion right now, as long as you are using it to protect yourself and not harm yourself. For me the roller coaster of emotions was somewhat empowering, I was also performing sub-par in my career, generally quite depressed. The highs that the roller coaster provided helped me see over the horizon and the lows I just plowed through.

I am three years out (I think? can't even keep track of the dates, time has gone by very quickly) Life is pretty good, I still am dealing with the cleanup effort of life post-divorce. co-parenting is emotionally tough and requires intellectual stamina, especially when you see your ex spouse in a new relationship and living her life with someone that you can't help see as your replacement. Looking at it is like staring at an alternate reality sometimes, and it is difficult to focus back on your own reality.

I have enjoyed my sense of freedom though, I no longer feel stuck with someone whom I was beginning to dread having to cope with for the rest of my days. The freedom is greater than the amount of pain and loss I felt, my life is never going to be anything like how I envisioned it when my relationship to my ex first began. But it is going to be atleast as rewarding and fulfilling. I have even found companionship and true love after divorce and with someone that has really opened my eyes to a much larger universe.

Divorce is not the end of life at all.


----------



## Lon

I do want to add though that if you want to be a regular part of your daughters' lives in the future, you need to do so now. And you need to fight for your right to be an equal parent (if that is what you truly want to be). If you do not want your daughters to be relocated away from you, you have every right to not let your STBXW take them with her. But of course that is a personal decision you must make.


----------



## unsure78

Lon summed it up very well, divorce is not the end of life at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honeystly

I'm sorry to hear that esrum. I think the first thing that made me wonder is if she had this guy on the back burner. It doesn't matter, really. The point is she gave up on you guys. I believe that's what you need to think. SHE gave up. Not you. It takes two, but SHE set it up and pulled the trigger on the relationship. I know what rejection feels like, I've been there. It will get better, but it will take lots of time and energy. I have to constantly check myself and force myself to move on. Sometimes I slip and have an occasional pity binge. Then I get up again and move on again. I think it's safe to say we all understand your pain. It's such a horrible feeling when you are dying inside and the other person is beaming with this new found whatever it is. It won't last. I'm not saying that new relationship, I'm talking that euphoria and need to brag and confess and tell the world. My ex is still in the relationship with the OW, but he doesn't have that annoying glow anymore. So that will pass. But you worry about you. Treat yourself well. Be there for yourself. Positive self talk helps. Pretend you are your own child or best friend. What would you say to them if they were in your situation? Be kind to yourself. It will improve. 
Slowly. 
It WILL. 
In the meantime you need to grieve for the past , present and the future without that person. Keep in mind though, that the future might be better off without her. Never say never. You never thought you'd be in this situation right? Well, the pendulum might swing in the other direction. She might be gone so somebody even better has a shot at meeting you.
Take care


----------



## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> Divorce is not the end of life at all.


:iagree:

It's the beginning of a new one. :smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk

Esrum,

Very moving posts. I think everyone well out of their 20s can identify with the loss of confidence that comes with negative experiences. You look at yourself and the energy is not there. Sales especially are about giving a vibe of of-course-this-new-verion-of-the-code-written-by-bunch-of-geeks-who-quarreled-over-the-architecture-and-functions is excellent or a guy like me wouldn't be assuring you that your IT costs will fall (although we plan to milk this baby for service and training to make our performance targets).

It is a younger person who doesn't have the bite marks of cynicism who can run with this stuff effortlessly.

The horrible thing is the sense that your ex checked out and then once she got the agreement to divorce, pushing you further down to keep herself the winner was cruelly easy. Of course, when your spirits sink they see that and play it as if they are dumping a dying man. The request to break the custody agreement and get your daughter even sooner is a great example of it.

She could have thought about how your daughter and you could have had quality time together. Heck, she could have had more banging time with OM, but no, she wanted to get your daughter away to push you down. Ultimately, it is a little guilt trip to lay on your daughter, too, since she must have flown the idea by her first.

And maybe she is just planning to let family watch your daughter while she concentrates on OM.

All you can do is work out hard and get in shape. Read. Avoid alchohol, porn. Try to find interesting angles on the products to get some enthusiasm. What sports are you into? Time to take up rock climbing or Crossfit?

If your ex cheated, OM will probably pay her back in kind down the line. What goes around comes around.

As for being worn and discarded, well, imagine you are the lion with the pride who has been chased off a younger male. The script says you now wander alone until death, but maybe you're going to have great hunting streak. Your eye will shine, as you pad back into the game.


----------



## COguy

Hey man, divorce sucks. I know personally, the pain of it was that loss of innocence that this perfect, lifetime commitment that I had envisioned was a failure. I remember the thought of LOSING MY WIFE was this intense pain and fear and just very depressing for many weeks.

I was lucky in that I knew my wife had cheated, and was still cheating, that I did not have to deal with the feelings of "what if we stay together" or "we can work this out", I was immediately able to say, "What I had was a fairy tale, and did not exist, and can no longer be returned."

What heals that is just time. Healthy activities for yourself and time. Do not try to take shortcuts, do not try to stop feeling sad or depressed.

The hope I can give you is that if you allow it, it can be one of the best things to happen in your life. It can give you true perspective and allow you to be in a much healthier relationship when you are ready for that.

I've been split up 2 years now and I almost have a hard time putting myself in that mental state where I was so depressed and afraid of losing my wife. I look back at it now and think, "Why was I so attached to this concept? Why did I put her on this pedestal and pretend like she was the Virgin Mary?" You'll get there one day as well, and you'll look back and be thankful. Like a lot of evil people, your wife was using you for her own benefits. Obviously if she had cared about your marriage she wouldn't have been running around while you stayed committed. One day you'll realize that you don't want a woman like that and will be thankful for the experience. But it will take time. For now, try to figure out what exactly about this makes you sad, really work it through to its logical conclusion. Go to a counselor as well.


----------



## Hardtohandle

@ LonieB, 
Don't feel foolish for trying. I tried with my Ex 3 other times before this 4th time and honestly even on the 4th time I was willing to try yet again.. But thank god, she didn't want to. It was the best thing for me I just didn't see it then.

@Unsure
I'm officially divorced as of this February 2014. 

@Esrum
Look I wish I could tell you something to inspire you but I really don't have a real answer for you. The best thing I can think of is be honest with your boss. 

Can you move back home with family for a bit until you can pull yourself back up again ?

Oddly enough I am going to tell you. Yes I know not seeing your daughter will be rough.. But trust me out of sight and out of mind will help you tons.. 

Part of me hated giving up my Ex wife cell phone bill. It was my link to her. I would go into work and obsess over her calling this other man the second I walked out the door and the minute I went to bed at night.. But when she transferred the bill into her name a week later I felt better.

Recently I just got rid of all her family off facebook. I would look at her relative functions and get upset because I was no longer invited with my kids.. Even though my Ex stopped talking to everyone in her family as well. 

Though they would have kind comments to say about my kids and hope to see you soon, they really were never going to see me or my kids soon.. 

I sent out a mass message to them being honest about it, but polite.. Some of her family immediately began unfriending me as I intended to do the same, but ended up asking for a friend request ( LOL ).. 

But again a week later I felt much better because I didn't have to see all the functions and family get togethers we used to go to for 19 years that we are no longer a part of.

Further I know out of sadness you just conceded to her request.. But PLEASE DON'T give in to her.. You can change your mind..


----------



## unsure78

Hardtohandle said:


> ,
> 
> 
> @Unsure
> I'm officially divorced as of this February 2014.


ok that makes sense...but you seem to be doing most of the right things with the distancing.... you said you have been in several relationships already, i believe or perhaps you just meant relationships in general instead of dating... have you taken the time to just be alone?


----------



## Hardtohandle

unsure78 said:


> ok that makes sense...but you seem to be doing most of the right things with the distancing.... you said you have been in several relationships already, i believe or perhaps you just meant relationships in general instead of dating... have you taken the time to just be alone?


Not to derail. 

I was alone for 4 months.. 

I'm fortunate to have many friends and a mom who lives right down stairs from me in my home. So I was never alone to be honest. I was crushed but didn't take this lying down.. I took advantage of therapy and every friend I had to cry on their shoulder.. 

Honestly having sex with another woman who wasn't my wife is all I needed to get me out of the funk.. After that it was much more easier.. 

Simply here was my impression of dating..

People at my age of 40s are few and far to find.. Anyone I find will be broken and crazy..

The reality is...

Me and my friend walk into a POF singles night.. We at mid 40s are the youngest looking men there and as a goof we just decide to beckon women over to where we were sitting.. The more women that came.. The more that wanted to come over.. It was that easy.. 

They were not broken toys.. They were like us trying to find someone.. 

End result I found a woman who is 6 years younger then me.. 9 years younger then my Ex. Makes about 100k more then my Ex and a bit less then me.. 

We went to a comedy club and they thought she was 25 years old.. 

BTW I met her on POF ( Plenty of Fish ).. But not that night.

I am 1000% committed to her but I have zero issue if I had to find someone else.. Its just that easy.. 

You think it's doom and gloom but it isn't.. Again its just the road to that part is hard.. But it is so well worth it. You just learn so much of yourself on the other end..

Even the current G.F. after leaving her Ex because of a drinking problem told me. EVEN IF my Ex was cured and did everything I wanted him to, it just is over for me and him.. I've just met so many better men out here that I don't have to settle for Ex.. 

Of course she won't find anyone better then me and she knows it


----------



## esrum1

Boy, what a week it has been. I sincerely appreciate the time everyone has taken to listen to my story and offer my words of experience and wisdom. We all go through it differently, but collectively, the tidbits of advice come together wonderfully. Additionally, it is incredible to see mere strangers pooling together to hold each other up in these rough times. 

Time, taking care of myself, being active, and surrounding myself with good people is what seems to be the most consistent advice.

Wednesday night, this past week, I was exceptionally low. My sleep has been significantly limited. I literally close my eyes, and envision my ex spouse, and not just in a sexual fashion, with her new boyfriend. I see them smiling, her laughing at his jokes, cooking a dinner together, going for a run together, site seeing together, and then, obviously, I see them having obscene amounts of pro-grade porn-sex. I understand that the reality is most likely a far cry from the junk my mind produces. But it is still having an impact, and what has happened is that I've now become very afraid to sleep. 

I thought that I was on the back side of this thing. That the healing was progressing well. After filing in for the divorce myself in November, I felt good about my decision. November, December and January were good progressive months for me. However, I feel that the progress I made was erased after last week's revelation of her being involved with someone new. 

Wednesday night, while I was on business in Colorado, I stopped by my favorite legal recreational MJ dispensary. Bought a gram, and went back to my hotel. I threw on my running shorts, went for a jog, came back, and stood outside the hotel and smoked a bowl. The high hit me hard and fast, and instead of chilling me out and helping me relax, I ended up having a little panic attack that, once over an hour later, had taken more out of me. I'm not a habitual user, but use once in a while to help relax and unwind. Probably not something I need to be enjoying at this phase of my life. 

The ex moves in two weeks, with our daughter. I have the resources to afford to fly to Denver every other weekend, which I will be doing until I am able to find new work in Colorado. 

Anyways, just needing to keep focusing on advancing one day at a time. 24-hour segments. I can't do much more than that at this point.


----------



## SteveK

esrum1 said:


> Boy, what a week it has been. I sincerely appreciate the time everyone has taken to listen to my story and offer my words of experience and wisdom. We all go through it differently, but collectively, the tidbits of advice come together wonderfully. Additionally, it is incredible to see mere strangers pooling together to hold each other up in these rough times.
> 
> Time, taking care of myself, being active, and surrounding myself with good people is what seems to be the most consistent advice.
> 
> Wednesday night, this past week, I was exceptionally low. My sleep has been significantly limited. I literally close my eyes, and envision my ex spouse, and not just in a sexual fashion, with her new boyfriend. I see them smiling, her laughing at his jokes, cooking a dinner together, going for a run together, site seeing together, and then, obviously, I see them having obscene amounts of pro-grade porn-sex. I understand that the reality is most likely a far cry from the junk my mind produces. But it is still having an impact, and what has happened is that I've now become very afraid to sleep.
> 
> I thought that I was on the back side of this thing. That the healing was progressing well. After filing in for the divorce myself in November, I felt good about my decision. November, December and January were good progressive months for me. However, I feel that the progress I made was erased after last week's revelation of her being involved with someone new.
> 
> Wednesday night, while I was on business in Colorado, I stopped by my favorite legal recreational MJ dispensary. Bought a gram, and went back to my hotel. I threw on my running shorts, went for a jog, came back, and stood outside the hotel and smoked a bowl. The high hit me hard and fast, and instead of chilling me out and helping me relax, I ended up having a little panic attack that, once over an hour later, had taken more out of me. I'm not a habitual user, but use once in a while to help relax and unwind. Probably not something I need to be enjoying at this phase of my life.
> 
> The ex moves in two weeks, with our daughter. I have the resources to afford to fly to Denver every other weekend, which I will be doing until I am able to find new work in Colorado.
> 
> Anyways, just needing to keep focusing on advancing one day at a time. 24-hour segments. I can't do much more than that at this point.


Hi man I feel your pain like you can not imagine. My wife became a run away a few days before valentines day. We actually made love the morning she ran. The thoughts of her with this guy kill me. I know he has some problems with his junk, but my wife is a or was a real horn dog and there's not a lot she would not do with me.

As a matter of fact who she was only in an EA with this POSOM he called me a pervert when she told him how much sex we had...( I saw some texts).

Thing is I keep thinking about what they are doing for example we used to make love after the gym, so even though he's an out of shape guy who never goes to the gym I just keep thinking about when she gets back to the hotel room what's happening.
Now my TAM friends will kill me but she's going to call me tonight and can you believe I wish it was tonight already!

She and I have been back in touch, one day she was two hours late for work.. My brain went right to the bedroom. The worst is days like yesterday it was 65 degrees and I kept thinking here I am stuck at home. My son has a new video game and even though I went for a walk...I kept wondering what activity she was doing that we would have done had I not scared her off.

To this day I say I should not have confronted her, I should have just been the best man I could be and just maybe just maybe the affair would have burnt out..now I feel like I made it worse.

So anyway I am learning to live day by day..the problem is she won't let me , every other day she waffles between reconciliation ad the crazy life he has offered her.

You can check out my posts for more information.

Knowing you are not the only person in this boat helps...oh and I am a high paid sales guy as well


----------



## Conrad

SteveK said:


> To this day I say I should not have confronted her, I should have just been the best man I could be and just maybe just maybe the affair would have burnt out..now I feel like I made it worse.


Have you always been afraid of her?


----------



## esrum1

Steve - just read through your story/thread. Indeed a crazy story, and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

Today is "purge" day for me. When my ex moved out for the "trial" separation in 2012, she left a lot of personal things behind - in our storage shed and in the basement. Over the last two years, any straggling remaining items of her's, I've packed up and put in storage. So, with her moving in two weeks, I've gathered it all together, and organized it in the garage for her to easily come and get when I am out of town these next two weeks. It's not an easy chore, in fact, about an hour ago, I came upon a box that had some of her old clothes in it. Folded on top was her short sexy little bathrobe that she wore for years. And, queue the memory flood. 

Purging. 

And hopefully tonight I can just pass out from exhaustion.


----------



## LongWalk

Keep running.

MJ can cause paranoia.

You need to put your foot down when she takes advantage.

Are you going to put a lock on the house so she cannot go in and take stuff?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

SteveK said:


> Hi man I feel your pain like you can not imagine. My wife became a run away a few days before valentines day. We actually made love the morning she ran. The thoughts of her with this guy kill me. I know he has some problems with his junk, but my wife is a or was a real horn dog and there's not a lot she would not do with me.
> 
> As a matter of fact who she was only in an EA with this POSOM he called me a pervert when she told him how much sex we had...( I saw some texts).
> 
> Thing is I keep thinking about what they are doing for example we used to make love after the gym, so even though he's an out of shape guy who never goes to the gym I just keep thinking about when she gets back to the hotel room what's happening.
> Now my TAM friends will kill me but she's going to call me tonight and can you believe I wish it was tonight already!
> 
> She and I have been back in touch, one day she was two hours late for work.. My brain went right to the bedroom. The worst is days like yesterday it was 65 degrees and I kept thinking here I am stuck at home. My son has a new video game and even though I went for a walk...I kept wondering what activity she was doing that we would have done had I not scared her off.
> 
> To this day I say I should not have confronted her, I should have just been the best man I could be and just maybe just maybe the affair would have burnt out..now I feel like I made it worse.
> 
> *So anyway I am learning to live day by day..the problem is she won't let me , every other day she waffles between reconciliation ad the crazy life he has offered her.*
> 
> You can check out my posts for more information.
> 
> Knowing you are not the only person in this boat helps...oh and I am a high paid sales guy as well


Stop engaging with her, this statement is FALSE, YOU are the one allowing this to happen. You are doing nothing but punishing yourself. Cut her out and go dark.


----------



## unsure78

3Xnocharm said:


> Stop engaging with her, this statement is FALSE, YOU are the one allowing this to happen. You are doing nothing but punishing yourself. Cut her out and go dark.


YES! I very much agree with 3x....go dark....its making it worse for you


----------



## esrum1

The effect of "radio silence". In my situation, I'm beyond the effectiveness of the "180" - we're formally divorced after all, and I am not seeking a reconciliation, and neither is she. However, since my original post, over a week ago, I have gone completely radio silent. Crickets. Nothing. If it regards our daughter, I'll respond with a complete disclosure - I owe her that much, as I expect the same in return. Outside of that, nothing. 

But, ever since finding out last week about her boyfriend, and her infidelities stemming back several months (to before we had even filed for divorce), I've shut it off. No communication outside of coparent responsibilities. And it's been interesting to watch her grasp at it. She knows that it's not there anymore; the communication, and my falling on my sword, apologizing and declaring my love for her. This past week, since I've gone silent, I feel that she has been trying to patronize me, you know, by being extremely nice to me. Almost like she's trying to "nice" me into accepting her new life and hew new found love and her move out of state and everything else she's done. Outside of our daughter, I couldn't care less. . .

That's actually a lie. I do care, and I hurt like hell. I'm furious, I'm jealous, I picture her still, I has a dream of her last night, I feel deep regret for my part in it all, and I wish I could go back in time. 

But the radio silence is making me stronger. Little by little. And it seems to be eating her alive . . .


----------



## unsure78

esrum1 said:


> But the radio silence is making me stronger. Little by little. .


Good keep it up....


----------



## COguy

Fake it till you make it. At first you'll do it secretly hoping it gets her back. Eventually you'll do it because you don't give a F*ck anymore.

All part of the journey.


----------



## 6301

esrum1;7692753
Where do I go from here?[/QUOTE said:


> Up. That's where you go. Look. I've been on the receiving end of betrayal and yeah it hurts like hell but once you stop and look at the big picture, you'll see that it ain't the end of the world.
> 
> Right now your ego and pride took a hit. So did mine and once I finally realizes that all the BS that happened between her and I was over, I was able to put my energy into myself and make the improvements I needed to better myself.
> 
> Right now the most important thing you need is your job. That's your security. That's you means of living. Without that, your problems with her will seem like a drop of water in a lake.
> 
> You have support here from a bunch of people that use funny names and numbers for a user name but were real people that have been there and done that and can help you with your hurting from your ex but the one thing you and only you can do is concentrate on you job. Not only is it your income but way of thinking of something other than her.
> 
> Stop worrying about who she was dating and sleeping with. You can't do anything about it and doing the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thing wont help.
> 
> Think of your future and be the best you can be and it will pay off. Stop dwelling on the past. It's history and you can't go back and change it. Good luck.


----------



## esrum1

These past two days I can already feel the effects of "time" playing in my favor. A week and a half ago, every time I closed my eyes, I could only envision my ex wife and her new partner. This most definitely has subsided.

But a new problem has arisen. I am feeling a deep, deep remorse and guilt for the pain, hurt, abuse, mind games and anguish I put my ex wife through. I truly feel that my choices, habits and behaviors pushed a "once-in-a-lifetime" lady away. 

I understand the whole "the person you married/loved is gone" thing, and it's true, over the last years during the dissolution of our marriage we both changed, we grew apart, we became completely different people. But, early on, as she began to change, and grow, I deeply resented her personal life changes. I felt threatened by them, as if her personal growth was a result of her not being happy with me. While she was growing stronger and healthier (physically, emotionally and mentally), I was growing bitter, angry, distant and jealous. At the end of the day, instead of growing into healthier individuals together, I pushed her away. 

My ex wife gave me dozens of opportunities to "right the course" and be her partner. But I had grown into an angry, jealous and bitter man, with an ego to boot. When you read about the women who had the strength to get away from their POS ex husbands; I was that POS ex husband. She will be happy again, with someone that's not like me.

I don't know how to forgive myself for pushing her away.

And I just want her to know how truly remorseful and tormented I am.


----------



## unsure78

esrum you are just going thru the many stages of grief for loss of a marriage.... in order to properly move forward you must allow yourself to feel.... not just cover up and bury them.... you are not going to be better in a week, it takes time...

Dont waste your breath at this point... remorseful and tormented will just fuel her power and control of the situation.


----------



## esrum1

Wow, these stages of grief must be more strong and more quick than I even could have imagined. Yesterday - feeling of guilt and sadness for all the crap and garbage that I put her through. Today - I'm feeling pretty angry. 

I'm angry that we gave up on marriage counseling so soon. I'm angry that my daughter has had to deal with it all. I'm angry that she's replaced me with someone else. I'm angry that I'm single. I'm angry that I'm not over her like she's over me. And I'm angry that I have to even feel these feelings. 

With all of these feelings and emotions running all over the map, I can only begin to wonder what I'm going to feel tomorrow . . .


----------



## Lon

The roller coaster. Man, I think I wrote this exact same comment three years ago.


----------



## esrum1

Also to note . . .

I've hired a new therapist. My first visit with her will be on Monday afternoon. I did IC about one year ago in conjunction with marriage counseling. I felt like both the marriage therapist and my own personal counselor at the time weren't invested in my/our situation and grossly let me/us (ex and I) down. 

I've taken some time now to really find a counselor that feels like a good fit and am looking forward to working with her. 

I know that there are not easy fixes to such a traumatic event in our lives. But I do believe that there are good ways and there are bad ways to go about healing and moving on. I want, so desperately, to get this right.


----------



## unsure78

esrum1 said:


> Wow, these stages of grief must be more strong and more quick than I even could have imagined. Yesterday - feeling of guilt and sadness for all the crap and garbage that I put her through. Today - I'm feeling pretty angry.
> 
> I'm angry that we gave up on marriage counseling so soon. I'm angry that my daughter has had to deal with it all. I'm angry that she's replaced me with someone else. I'm angry that I'm single. I'm angry that I'm not over her like she's over me. And I'm angry that I have to even feel these feelings.
> 
> With all of these feelings and emotions running all over the map, I can only begin to wonder what I'm going to feel tomorrow . . .


You will most likely bounce back and forth between all the stages and emotions for a while, revisiting each several times... like Lon said its a roller coaster over time the hills and valleys get less and less... eventually you have more good than bad days
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## esrum1

@Lon - Man, I know! Thing is, is that I never thought it would be such a "fast" roller coaster. I mean, we're talking about inverse mood and emotional swings in a 12 hour span . . . 

I've just never gone through it, so, I'm trusting and assuming that this is what it's all about. 

Frustrates me though, because I suppose I was just in denial to the reality of this all when I first filed for divorce in November 2013. November, December and January were good months. I thought that I skirted away from the emotions.

Not the case . . .


----------



## wilderness

esrum1 said:


> These past two days I can already feel the effects of "time" playing in my favor. A week and a half ago, every time I closed my eyes, I could only envision my ex wife and her new partner. This most definitely has subsided.
> 
> But a new problem has arisen. I am feeling a deep, deep remorse and guilt for the pain, hurt, abuse, mind games and anguish I put my ex wife through. I truly feel that my choices, habits and behaviors pushed a "once-in-a-lifetime" lady away.
> 
> I understand the whole "the person you married/loved is gone" thing, and it's true, over the last years during the dissolution of our marriage we both changed, we grew apart, we became completely different people. But, early on, as she began to change, and grow, I deeply resented her personal life changes. I felt threatened by them, as if her personal growth was a result of her not being happy with me. While she was growing stronger and healthier (physically, emotionally and mentally), I was growing bitter, angry, distant and jealous. At the end of the day, instead of growing into healthier individuals together, I pushed her away.
> 
> My ex wife gave me dozens of opportunities to "right the course" and be her partner. But I had grown into an angry, jealous and bitter man, with an ego to boot. When you read about the women who had the strength to get away from their POS ex husbands; I was that POS ex husband. She will be happy again, with someone that's not like me.
> 
> I don't know how to forgive myself for pushing her away.
> 
> And I just want her to know how truly remorseful and tormented I am.


Feelings are not facts. Factually, your ex wife abandoned her family. She is totally to blame for that. Don't take responsibility for her horrible actions.


----------



## esrum1

Took some time this weekend for myself, and it was very much needed. I just returned from a quick turn around trip to Vegas. Flew down Friday evening, met some close friends, we stayed at Mandalay. We played hard and ate well. I came back this morning with a spring in my step. I had, for three days, set all of these other crappy ruminations and obsessions aside. 

Ex wife was not happy about my trip - it is my daughter's last weekend in Salt Lake. Her mom and her are moving to Denver next weekend. The ex decided to lash out at me on Friday and used the whole "your daughter isn't important to you because you're going to Vegas during her last weekend here" card. I internalized it, and felt pretty guilty and low before I left on Friday afternoon. 

I'm doing okay today. I'm just still so amazed at how far apart we have become. The toxicity levels are just so thick between us, and likely will be for years to come.


----------



## esrum1

@wilderness: "Feelings are not facts". That's an excellent tidbit of wisdom, thank you, and I will remember this on a go-forward. All the same, I am so frustrated with the part that I had in the dissolution of the marriage. Sure, she is responsible for abandoning the relationship, but, being put in her shoes, it's hard to blame her for it.


----------



## esrum1

"Triggers" - I never really knew what they felt like, until this morning. In Seattle this week on business, walked out of my hotel this morning, feeling decent. The spring was somewhat back in my step, I closed a nice deal yesterday, and the weather has been wonderful here. I stepped out of the hotel just as a couple out for a jog ran by. The woman, however, looked identical to my ex wife. I then wondered if my ex wife has replaced me as her jogging partner with the new posOM . . .

Boom. Triggered. 

Crappy day for the rest of the day. What are some good bounce back techniques for those "triggers"???


----------



## esrum1

Nights like this are tough. It was a decent enough day, my mind was clear, and I worked well. Then, I traveled back home, got off the plane, and came back to an empty house and a Wendy's salad for dinner. I've been doing this same routine for two years now, but it still is tough. 

Daughter moves with her mom on Sunday. Bittersweet about it. She's going to be in an excellent school system, and she'll be close to all of my family. I'm on the road for work four days out of the week as is. I'm very excited to have her mom completely and physically distanced from me. I think that will help aid in the healing process. And, I've already pre-booked every-other-weekend flights through the end of May. 

Just ready to be done with the crappy feelings already.


----------



## unsure78

Sorry you are having a bad few... it just takes time.....

Triggers are difficult. .. im divorced two years and I still trigger when the bruno mars song beautiful comes on the radio.... that was ow ringtone on his phone...

The triggers get manageable in time...

So what can you do to make the house less lonely for yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## esrum1

I feel like such a doormat. Over the last two years I've turned into such a wet noodle. I've allowed myself to be completed manipulated over and over and over again by my ex. This afternoon I met with my new therapist, and we had an excellent session - it was my second, Monday was the first. 

At first, I let myself get walked all over by my ex because I wanted to save the relationship. Now, at the end of the marriage, I still let myself get walked on because I just don't want to engage her - it's easier to let her manipulate me and take advantage of me (financially, time, and otherwise) than it is to set up a boundary.

On tonight's roller coaster, the feeling of the day is "angry".


----------



## Lon

Use the anger, it is appropriate and can help you to make the changes in life you want. And you can stop kicking yourself anytime now.


----------



## esrum1

"And you can stop kicking yourself anytime now."

You're right brother, absolutely right.


----------



## Paradise

esrum1 said:


> I feel like such a doormat. Over the last two years I've turned into such a wet noodle. I've allowed myself to be completed manipulated over and over and over again by my ex. This afternoon I met with my new therapist, and we had an excellent session - it was my second, Monday was the first.
> 
> At first, I let myself get walked all over by my ex because I wanted to save the relationship. Now, at the end of the marriage, I still let myself get walked on because I just don't want to engage her - it's easier to let her manipulate me and take advantage of me (financially, time, and otherwise) than it is to set up a boundary.
> 
> On tonight's roller coaster, the feeling of the day is "angry".


You need to get out of your head for a little while. Excercise is the best. I use to go directly to the gym every time I was feeling pi$$ed or just in a funk. When I was home alone if I started to feel crappy I would do pushups and situps until I couldn't do anymore and was exhausted. If that doesn't work for you then go for a walk, the coffee shop, the book store, whatever....I don't have a tv so zoning out in front of the boob tube wasn't an option for me but I'm also glad about that because it forced me to get out a little bit.


----------



## Paradise

Lon said:


> Use the anger, it is appropriate and can help you to make the changes in life you want. And you can stop kicking yourself anytime now.


:iagree:


----------



## esrum1

My little girl moved today. 

She'll be okay. In fact, I'm sure that she will be good. She'll be around more family (both sides), in a great school system, and I have the means to see her every other weekend.

Yesterday I had my little one all day. We went for a bike ride, we visited her aunt, we had lunch, and then she just wanted to play at my house. It was a fantastic day. 

Today I am doing my best to stay busy, I played golf this morning, cleaned my house just now, and am leaving to spend some time with friends in an hour. 

I was dreading this day, but it is here and almost gone. Perhaps now the dust can settle, and a routine can be set and I won't have to go through so many dramatic ups and downs.


----------



## COguy

esrum1 said:


> Crappy day for the rest of the day. What are some good bounce back techniques for those "triggers"???


Find some new activities (or old ones) that you love and make you feel good.

The day I found dancing was the last "bad" day I had. Woke up the next morning whistling and realized how much life had to offer.

Not saying that happens with everyone but life has so much to offer, whatever your problems are, they'll seem insignificant compared to the joy of experiencing it to the fullest.

I do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu now and a lot of the people in my school were "healed" of depression from it. Hard to be sad when someone is trying to choke you unconscious. Hard to feel down about life when you're pushing yourself to physical and mental limits.


----------



## esrum1

Big day for me yesterday. 

I worked hard at the office, I hit the gym afterwards, I wrapped up the last remaining joint financial ties to my ex (severed them), talked to my little girl via FaceTime and met up with some friends to watch Kentucky/UConn. 

I was home by 11:00, packed a suitcase for this week's travel, and was out. 

Yesterday's feelings were . . . "optimistic".


----------



## esrum1

Today formally marks four-weeks since I last physically saw my ex wife. Since then, she's moved back to Colorado and taken our daughter in tow. They both moved a week ago. I have spoken and Skyped daily with my little girl, and she is having a difficult time adjusting. New school, new bedroom, new schedule. This coming weekend is my "off weekend", but I will have her from Friday p.m. to Monday a.m. the following weekend. 

Surprisingly, I am doing okay. I traveled this week for work, it's been a productive week. For the first time in months, I'm actually excited to fly home tonight - and I think that's because I know that I'm not flying home to the town that my ex lurks in any more. For me anyways, she really did cast such a shadow on the town we lived in over the last year. She fully embraced and engaged in the weekend nightlife, which is famous for being sleazy, greasy and unclassy.

My IC gave me a quick sheet of paper regarding "grief" to read through. This week, I'm not sure which stage I'm in right now. Maybe I'm just edging to the acceptance part . . .

In any regard, the ONLY thing that still chaps my hide right now is the fact that I agreed to paying her ONE more month of alimony than was required by the courts (April). Oh well, not much I can do about it though.

Today's feeling . . . "near indifference".


----------



## LongWalk

Aren't you going to move closer to your daughter and get more real custody?

Don't give up and turn into weekend dad.


----------



## esrum1

@Long Walk - Absolutely I am, but relocation for me is still about 5 to 6 months away. The last thing I want is to be 'weekend dad', and I know that wouldn't be best for my little one. Most definitely not giving up!


----------



## esrum1

I have a date tonight. I'm certainly not wanting to starting 'dating' - as in - being exclusive, but man, I'm excited to have a nice dinner with someone other than my daughter, a coworker or somebody I'm trying to sell to. 

Playing it cool, very casual evening. I recognize where my heart, emotions and head are at. I'm not lonely - at all, in fact, some solitude has been so nice - I'm with people ALL day long. So this is simply a nice dinner with a new friend.

This weekend I enjoyed a barbecue at my neighbors house last night, today I hit the gym hard, been working on some ongoing projects on my house, and rode my bicycle. 

Missing the little one, I have spoken with her daily, and I will be with her all Easter weekend long. Very, very excited. 

One foot in front of the other . . .


----------



## SteveK

esrum1 said:


> Steve - just read through your story/thread. Indeed a crazy story, and I'm sorry for what you've been through.
> 
> Today is "purge" day for me. When my ex moved out for the "trial" separation in 2012, she left a lot of personal things behind - in our storage shed and in the basement. Over the last two years, any straggling remaining items of her's, I've packed up and put in storage. So, with her moving in two weeks, I've gathered it all together, and organized it in the garage for her to easily come and get when I am out of town these next two weeks. It's not an easy chore, in fact, about an hour ago, I came upon a box that had some of her old clothes in it. Folded on top was her short sexy little bathrobe that she wore for years. And, queue the memory flood.
> 
> Purging.
> 
> And hopefully tonight I can just pass out from exhaustion.



How are you doing now. 

My WAW went away with OM , but when he leaves for his country she plans on coming home for in-home separation. I will tell you once she moved her clothes back in I was like sheet I don't want her back..it's an emotional roller coaster!


----------



## SteveK

3Xnocharm said:


> Stop engaging with her, this statement is FALSE, YOU are the one allowing this to happen. You are doing nothing but punishing yourself. Cut her out and go dark.


Have been dark all week. .
But this is not my thread so I won't get into details


----------



## esrum1

Holy smokes, what a past few days... 

My sister (with whom I have the closest relationship) called me on Monday morning balling. In between her sobs, she was able to explain to me that she just discovered that her husband of three years has been cheating on her for all of those three years. One of her husband's several mistresses broke the news to my sister by randomly showing up at her home and showing her photographs. They have a 8 month old daughter together. 

Anyways, without going into too much detail, I have encouraged her to turn to TAM for unbiased advice and support. She has decided to divorce her husband and retained counsel this morning. 

It's been an emotional boxing ring this entire week. Not only am I still completely reeling from my own relationship breakdown, but now I'm trying to be an emotional support for my little sister who also has had her world turned upside down. 

I can feel myself getting stronger (emotionally), but I am also getting very, very tired...


----------



## Lon

That is lousy to hear esrum, some things are good to go through together with the people you love, other things like infidelity not so much. Keep your head up though, you have been coping well and you have even showed her a useful place in TAM because of your own experience.


----------



## 6301

esrum1 said:


> Holy smokes, what a past few days...
> 
> My sister (with whom I have the closest relationship) called me on Monday morning balling. In between her sobs, she was able to explain to me that she just discovered that her husband of three years has been cheating on her for all of those three years. One of her husband's several mistresses broke the news to my sister by randomly showing up at her home and showing her photographs. They have a 8 month old daughter together.
> 
> Anyways, without going into too much detail, I have encouraged her to turn to TAM for unbiased advice and support. She has decided to divorce her husband and retained counsel this morning.
> 
> It's been an emotional boxing ring this entire week. Not only am I still completely reeling from my own relationship breakdown, but now I'm trying to be an emotional support for my little sister who also has had her world turned upside down.
> 
> I can feel myself getting stronger (emotionally), but I am also getting very, very tired...


That's why God made big brothers. Best of luck and get your little sis here so we can help.


----------



## stillhoping

I am now less than two weeks from leaving the house we built together 18 years ago. I will stay with my mom for a month while my new home gets ready for me to move in. I am going to be a homeowner in the first space I ever picked out totally for myself. I. Excited and nervous. Had a huge party here this past weekend, about 50 people, my friends, my kids friends, neighbors, family, it was awesome, such love and support. This is my rebuilding. New place, new thoughts about my future. But, man, what a pain, moving, packing, leaving the home where I raised my kids...


----------



## Hardtohandle

Esrum1 

The dips and hills of the emotional roller coaster lessen over time. You will see that months will go by and suddenly you will get depressed for a few days and then get out of the funk.. 

Your sisters issues will bring up old wounds but will also make you stronger because you will be giving her insight as she goes through earlier processes you have gone through emotionally.

Therapy wise keep going.. 

Still going since Sept 2012... 

Not going to lie and tell you I don't have issues. 

Therapist wants me on a medication to calm me down a bit.. But I want to learn how to deal with this myself.. 

When I get upset I go off the deep end with anger and being upset. I go overboard and have issues reeling myself in. Nothing physical, but more of making up events and decisions. 

Simple example the girl friend might have deleted a picture that was unbecoming and I take it as she is messing around. Instead of waiting for proof, I immediately confront and then it just downward spirals from there. 

So keep going to therapy and learn how to deal with your own issues..


----------



## esrum1

Thanks for the note H2H. Good advice, and obviously hope the best for you in your journey as well. 

Been a busy past 10 days, which, as I am finding out, is a good thing for healing. I had my little girl over the Easter holiday. It was a wonderful weekend! I dropped her off at school on Monday and had to head to Seattle (I'm a traveling salesman). 

I have been surrounding myself with so many different positive people - friends, family and colleagues that, tomorrow, a little "alone time" is actually very appealing. 

The emotional waves still come at random times, but I can now count the days in between those waves. Yesterday was one of those days where I was feeling generally angry about the whole situation which effected my mood all day long. Today, after a fun dinner with a few attractive co-workers, and a great night sleep, I woke up with a spring in my step. 

*** One question for the community however *** - This past week, two nights in a row I had very vivid and difficult dreams about my ex wife. So much that I woke up in a generally glum mood. Both dreams were fundamentally about her as a completely changed and unknown person to me and her bragging and shoving it in my face that she has moved on with "someone better". In any event, I know this isn't a "dream interpretation" forum, but I figured that I would share and see what anyone knows.


----------



## esrum1

I've been quite on TAM for the last few weeks, due primarily to my schedule and just staying so incredibly busy that by the time I hit the pillow at night, I'm gone.

From an *emotional perspective*, I feel myself growing stronger and more healthy every single day. I still have emotional pitfalls and triggers, but as time moves on, they have less and less of an impact and the time it takes to get over it gets easier and easier. For the first time in the last 5 years, I am beginning to understand what it feels like to "emotionally accept, be comfortable with and love yourself". 

From a *mental perspective*, I continue to analyse and accept the hand I had in the failure of our 8 year marriage. I don't want to repeat past mistakes and am working personally and with a personal therapist to learn and practice new behaviors - chiefly "open communication" and "honesty" (my therapist is a strong believer and practitioner in the 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' principles/concepts).

From a *physical perspective*, I've been working out and eating very healthy. I have lost a cumulative total of 21 pounds and have been focused on getting myself in good physical condition. 

And, I've begun dating - a lot. No one exclusively, I'm not near ready for that. However, it's very enjoyable to spend time with other women. It has helped my self confidence and is starting to help identify what I will eventually want in a future partner. And for the record, there are A LOT of fantastic ladies out there in the dating pool. 

The journey continues...


----------



## esrum1

And one other update.

I have become, or am becoming, a master at deflection and radio silence. I have not engaged, initiated or responded to ANY relationship talk with my ex wife. 

Keep in mind that I have not physically seen my ex wife since March 8, so we're going on three months here which has helped me tremendously. 

Last weekend, via text, she decided to unleash a tirade of trash and sling it my way. "_Why did you turn my life upside down!?_", "_why could you never love me the way I asked to be loved!?_", "_why would you not let me be who I wanted to be!?_" 

I ignored every piece of it, with no response, until it went on for over 45 minutes. At that point I simply responded with, "_this has nothing to do with our co-parenting relationship. In fact, this can be chalked up as harassment which our divorce decree strictly prohibits. I'm going to assume that you're having a difficult evening, and let this one slide. If it continues past this point, I will notify my attorney tomorrow morning._"

She responded with, "_you're a complete a**hole_" and stopped after that. 

She's left me alone all week. A morale victory in my book.


----------



## Pufferfish

esrum1 said:


> Last weekend, via text, she decided to unleash a tirade of trash and sling it my way. "_Why did you turn my life upside down!?_", "_why could you never love me the way I asked to be loved!?_", "_why would you not let me be who I wanted to be!?_" [/I]"



Maybe golden boy was not so golden that weekend and she's looking to blame someone to avoid taking responsibility for her own choices. 

Well done for not taking the bait.


----------



## esrum1

Been a tough few days. 

The ups and downs of this roller coaster still carry an effect, albeit less frequently. And, well, the past few days just happened to be one of the 'downs'. 

Monday I enjoyed a nice Memorial Day holiday by visiting my veteran grandfather's grave, after which I picked up a lady friend and took her to the early p.m. baseball game and then out for tacos and beers afterwards. It was delightful.

Tuesday night, I spoke with my little girl on the phone, and she told me that she had met her mom's boyfriend for the first time . . . and this took the wind out of my sails a bit. I knew it was coming, my ex had actually told me that it as going to be happening several weeks ago. They're getting serious apparently, and this was the next step in the progression. This is my ex wife's affair partner to boot. Is what it is, but still stings. 

Anyways, it has been on my mind these past few days, and despite all of the good things that are happening to me, still hurtin' . . .


----------



## Hardtohandle

Hills and Valleys..

As you head into the Valley just be aware a Hill is coming your way.. 

Keep it rational and sane for your sake.. You're much stronger than I was this early on.. Keep it up..


----------



## esrum1

Been a little while since I last posted. 

For all intents and purposes, things have been 'okay'. But this past weekend, and more specifically yesterday and today, I'm once again, feeling incredibly down, discouraged, and low.

I think that the feelings are coming from the fact that I just passed the one year mark of my ex-wife asking for a divorce (we were already one-year separated before that). 

I am feeling so unsteady, so ungrounded. I feel stuck, but I don't know what I can do about it. And that has me down, really, really down. 

The job is going well, but I'm burned out. I'm traveling weekly which has long gotten old. I've "casually dated" a few girls, nothing serious though - I'm just far too busy and obviously, far too unready for anything more than "dinner". I really am trying to move on, stay busy, take care of myself, be an excellent father and all the other things that everyone always recommends. But today, yesterday, I've just wished and longed for the ability to "roll back the clock" to three years ago. I would have done it so much differently.

From the outside looking in, I'm green with envy as I watch my ex-wife vacationing with her new boyfriend 4 years younger than herself, hear about my daughter talking about how much fun he is and seeing her "live the life she always wanted". 

This whole thing sucks.


----------



## COguy

You're life is never going to be the same. From now on, your life is what you make of it. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, but the power is in your hands.


----------



## Lon

Hi esrum, like COguy says, post divorce is not the same as pre divorce but the power is now all yours.

I too find it hard to see my ex moving on in life continuing on goals with her new H which I had wanted to share with her.

And as hard as overcoming the pain is, there will be, and even currently are, goals which you had previously shared together that you are now accomplishing on your own.

I think you need to stop and breathe and acknowledge all the good things you have done, and do provide for yourself and your loved ones, despite whatever negative feelings you are experiencing and despite that there is one less person (of many) that wants your love.


----------



## LongWalk

Does the product line you're selling provide other employment possibilities?

You want to be home more so that your daughter can be with you, right?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## nickgtg

I too reminisce about the past at times and it gets me down. I saw this quote today and it really hit me.

*"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, and the present worse than it is."*


----------



## SamuraiJack

Esrum
My story was very much like this. The important thing to remember is that you both brought things to the relationship. It seems like you are doing the work, but she is NOT. This essentially dooms her future relationships to failure since she is bound to repeat the same pattern.
It may LOOK like she is having a great time, but her issues are already starting to build and they WILL reappear.
She ran away.
She didnt do the work.

My ex-wife did the same thing. She was a WAW and entered into a relationship just a few months after the D was final. They were together almost a year when he suddenly up and left. New job in TX. 
Your ex leaving and "suddenly living her life" is merely a result of the stress between you and her being gone and the honeymoon period.
You need to concentrate on YOU. 
Be the best you can and be strong.

Being the dumpee is really painful and it causes a LOT of self doubt. It calls into question your ability to see the truth, to trust, and to love. Its such a fiece surprise that it takes a lot longer to recover from. Combine that with the fact that she was ALREADY planning her exit before you even had a clue and it makes the timelines seem very disparate. 
The worst thing you can do is compare your progress with hers becase they have been deliberatley made uneven by her actions.
Concentrate on yourself and dont worry about anything you hear about her.
Karma ALWAYS plays out in the end.

Another thing you need to keep in mind is that SHE may be playing the "my life is so perfect" game and feeding information to you indirectly.
Dont give it a second thought.
She is gone.
You are not.

Find your path and stick to it.

One last thing...it DOES get better.
Allow your self a little backslide now and then.
You are only human.


----------



## poppyseed

esrum1 said:


> From the outside looking in, I'm green with envy as I watch my ex-wife vacationing with her new boyfriend 4 years younger than herself, hear about my daughter talking about how much fun he is and seeing her "live the life she always wanted".
> 
> This whole thing sucks.


Wouldn't it be better if your daughter would stop telling you what your ex-wife is up to? I don't think it's necessary. 

I wouldn't get involved in my ex's new life, new partner, their holiday, their future plans etc. He now has his new life. Each time you find out whatever your ex is up to, you are bound to start to compare. In my book, my ex's new life isn't my concern. He can do whatever he wants and his new life doesn't interest me. It is probably quite boring if I'm honest.


----------



## esrum1

Been another month of forward progress, self improvement, healing, advancing . . . and figured I'd give an update. 

I started random serial dating in about April, met some decent women, a lot of them have a tremendous amount of baggage (just like I do), and I wasn't ready to help them carry the load - so nothing got too serious. The travel didn't slow down at all over the summer either, it only picked up to where I'm traveling all week long, and every other weekend as well. 

That was until I met this one gal in early June. We dated a few times in the month of June, and I started to grow an attraction to her. After we returned from the 4th of July holiday where we were both on holiday with our families, we really hit it off. Her and I haven't really "defined" the relationship if you will, but we've both indicated that we're excited about the possibilities and the direction and pace. I'm now two full years post separation, and 8 months post finalization of divorce, but I still have some personal work to do. 

I still have those days (in fact, just had one on Sunday) where the anger, sadness and bitterness emerge from the trauma of the divorce and being the one left holding the towel. My ex is living a very comfortable life and I have made sure of that. I pay a tremendous amount in child and spousal support (even more than ordered) and I continue to ensure that I have my equal time with my daughter. 

What have I learned? 

1. Time really does work in healing.
2. Personally working on habits, traits and tendencies that contributed to the failure of the previous relationship is very therapeutic and healing. 
3. Focusing energy in healthy activities (work, exercise, hobbies, social life) is crucial.
4. That there are A LOT of really great, single women out there and that chances are very high that I'll have another opportunity at a lasting relationship. 

Things would have been easier to not have to go through this, but, I'm getting to a point now where I'm excited about the future and not sure I really want to change the past anymore.


----------



## Wolf1974

nickgtg said:


> I too reminisce about the past at times and it gets me down. I saw this quote today and it really hit me.
> 
> *"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, and the present worse than it is."*


Wow powerful quote. Thank you for sharing


----------



## ne9907

:smthumbup:


esrum1 said:


> Been another month of forward progress, self improvement, healing, advancing . . . and figured I'd give an update.
> 
> I started random serial dating in about April, met some decent women, a lot of them have a tremendous amount of baggage (just like I do), and I wasn't ready to help them carry the load - so nothing got too serious. The travel didn't slow down at all over the summer either, it only picked up to where I'm traveling all week long, and every other weekend as well.
> 
> That was until I met this one gal in early June. We dated a few times in the month of June, and I started to grow an attraction to her. After we returned from the 4th of July holiday where we were both on holiday with our families, we really hit it off. Her and I haven't really "defined" the relationship if you will, but we've both indicated that we're excited about the possibilities and the direction and pace. I'm now two full years post separation, and 8 months post finalization of divorce, but I still have some personal work to do.
> 
> I still have those days (in fact, just had one on Sunday) where the anger, sadness and bitterness emerge from the trauma of the divorce and being the one left holding the towel. My ex is living a very comfortable life and I have made sure of that. I pay a tremendous amount in child and spousal support (even more than ordered) and I continue to ensure that I have my equal time with my daughter.
> 
> What have I learned?
> 
> 1. Time really does work in healing.
> 2. Personally working on habits, traits and tendencies that contributed to the failure of the previous relationship is very therapeutic and healing.
> 3. Focusing energy in healthy activities (work, exercise, hobbies, social life) is crucial.
> 4. That there are A LOT of really great, single women out there and that chances are very high that I'll have another opportunity at a lasting relationship.
> 
> Things would have been easier to not have to go through this, but, I'm getting to a point now where I'm excited about the future and not sure I really want to change the past anymore.


:smthumbup:


----------



## whitehawk

And your future will probably over take hers in time as hers crashes later on. She's jumped into something , his younger, you could call it a rebound as it's straight out of her marriage .Might look all roses now but hey , they all are at this early stage .

l feel a lot happier than what my ex looks lately l can tell you , but it took a long time. She appeared to have it all earlier on too. No clue what's happened to "it all" lately , but she doesn't look to happy these days . She's as grumpy as all hell too 

Your time will come , it's all such a time thing . Spoil yourself rotten when ever you can too , that's what l do , nice


----------

