# Lots of problems early in the marriage. Help?



## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

*To introduce myself:* I'm Cat, and I'm 19 years old. I have a son named Eros who is almost 2 months old (hence the username). I got married on November 24th of '09 to Banana (his nickname), and he's 25 years old. We met online off of a free internet dating site, and talked online for a week and a half. We hung out and started dating, and after only 9 days of knowing each other in person, we got married.

*The first flaws I've found:* being young and married, and getting married without hardly knowing the person (getting married so soon). Sounds like a typical Vegas thing, I'd say. Not knowing each other very well and then getting married has made things a bit more difficult compared to many other marriages that I've known of. We honestly had not much of a foundation when we got married, but we both knew we loved each other very much. It was particularly rushed (I still chuckle sometimes when I recall the first night we met, when he had told me that if he got into a relationship again, he would want to take things slow).

I was pregnant at the time (by someone else's child), and Banana knew of this before he even asked me to marry him. He is a wonderful person for saying that my son (Eros) is his, even though he knows it is not biologically his. This I have very much appreciated.


So I suppose I should begin with the issues at hand... Which is why I joined this forum in the first place -- I am desperate to find some sort of help and advice from people who have been there and done that, and hopefully help me cultivate the tools needed to make this marriage successful.

1. Lack of intimacy, AKA the emotional connection, or the basic mental connectivity between two people in a romantic relationship. We used to talk all the time in the first few months of being married, and would do things together that were both fun and interesting to the both of us. Now it seems like I am only dragging him along when I want to go out and do something (nothing like "hanging out with the girls" or "going to a party", but simply perhaps going to a movie or going out to eat).

2. Lack of passion, AKA the physical aspect of the relationship. He was all for it in the beginning, and then suddenly after we got married, it went down to only once a week, and it's been that way ever since, 9 months into the relationship. I've worn attractive clothing, been provocative, send him suggestive text messages while he is at work, cooked him dinner, spent a day or two when it was just all about him and what he wanted, dressed up, etc... Basically, I've tried "the works". Sometimes we go 2 weeks without. He used to say the reason why he wouldn't was because he didn't have a job; the next weekend whilst visiting my mother, I found him a job in his favourite field of work. It sped up for only a couple of days, and then dropped down to the usual once a week.

3. Sometimes he calls me stupid, empty (as in having no soul), close-minded, ignorant, a b****, tells me to leave, threatens that if I leave that he won't let me take Eros and that he can very easily prove me unfit (also claims he's talked to several lawyers about it) so he would just take Eros from me even if I'd take off with Eros... All sorts of stuff like that. 

In the past I used to call him an a-hole, but I quit doing that because name-calling gets nowhere. And now he's doubled his efforts of hurting me. 

Also, he told me that he was no longer in love with me, and that when I left for a couple of days sometime last week that it felt like a heavy, heavy weight was lifted off of his shoulders (he could sleep better, breathe better, had a smile on his face, had a hop in his step, performed better at work).

Now, I used to get really upset about the fact that when I would get sincerely hurt about something he has said or done, I would start crying, and he would sit there, and stare at me with cold eyes, and continue to say hurtful things. "You're just choosing to be miserable/you're just pouting/get over yourself/get over it." 

I've begged him several times to just give me a hug (while crying) and he would just look at me and say nothing, when in the past he would hug me if I was upset about anything. Because of his coldheartedness, it would antagonize my emotions to the point of pure anger, and I would scream and throw stuff (in order to get some sort of reaction out of him other than complete apathy/emotionlessness).

So because of me screaming and throwing stuff because of his apathy towards me crying my heart out (like sobbing until I'd gag, basically), that makes me a complete b**** and whatnot.

Well... Not sure what to do. Help? Advice? Anything? Is it abuse in any form with what he's been doing to me? (People have claimed that it is, so I'm wondering if it really is or not.) Can it be worked out? What can I do to try to work it out? Is there ANYTHING I can do? I like to believe that I have a very good head on my shoulders, so I am very open to possibilities, and I'm definitely not ready to call it quits yet.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Please keep in mind i am not trying to be harsh.

The fact is....all the things you listed, typically happen when dating. You have a good time, everything is exciting and new and fun....then as time goes on that 'first love rush' settles down and you begin to see if you can live together in the long term. 

Problems:

1) Your age - you are both VERY young! 19 and 25 - still figuring out life. I didn't really 'grow up' til I was 25 or 26.

2) Married after 9 days - you knew nothing at all about each other and yet you jumped into marriage. Now your learning things that if found while dating, you might of said...hmmmm....maybe this guy/gal isn't the one for me to marry.

3) You don't know how to communicate at all - you both yell, throw things, say hurtful things - all signs of an immature mind set and relationship (not saying its easy to rise above when someone is doing this, just saying)

The only advice I can give you if you want to stay -get both of you into counseling ASAP. The only way you'll be able to make this work is if you learn to communicate! 

The only advice I can give you if you want to leave - talk to a lawyer. If you put his name on the birth certificate as the father, then their may be some custody wrangling (but I don't think he can take your son unless there is something we don't know). If you didn't, he has no claim to your son and I don't think he will have a custody claim at all. But you need to talk to a lawyer to find out for sure! If you can't afford one, make an appointment with legal aid in your area - they can help for free if you meet the requirements.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

I knew after we got married that it was flawed in the beginning. There was that huge rush with him, but my own rush was continued and is still going strong 9 months after. I am very much in love with him and very much wanting things to work. Age, definitely an issue. Not knowing each other and rushing into things incredibly fast, definitely an issue. Maturity level, definitely an issue. Not knowing each other very well, definitely an issue. And I am openly seeking marriage counseling (we've spoken to a few people and are getting things worked out with them), so I'm going down that avenue, while asking friends and family members for guidance and support while going through the hard stuff. Within a year, there was massive amounts of change for the both of us. But I have hope, and that is all I need, honestly. If hope is lost, then there is no motivation to make things work. He also really wants to make things work, and with time and understanding and lots of counseling (including separate counseling for myself with my array of mental disorders), I believe that eventually things will become at a comfortable medium where we can go an entire week without having a conniption.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

Also, today I've found my peaceful "zen-like" state. Created a "happy place" within my mind to go to whenever I become upset. Finally found the holy grail of controlling my anger, and that is one step in the direction of sincere improvement. It was almost amazing how it happened that way, and I am still yet amazed by it. Today was one of the worst days in our marriage (my post wasn't posted when I was upset -- simply, tired), where he said the most hurtful things I could imagine anyone saying, including him mentioning the fact that he really genuinely wanted to strangle me, but I never threw anything or yelled or screamed. Just spoke calmly and rationally, even when my adrenaline was pumping. I simply... chose to not get out of control. Never realized how simple it was until today.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

After all of the angry words and actions from him today, I went out to eat with a couple of my close friends, and came home to him (they had offered to keep me over at their house to get drunk and whatnot, but I wanted to come home to my husband and Eros, so I declined the offer happily). 

I sat down with him, told him that all I have said and done I would never be able to take back, but the only thing I could do is to make the next day better than the last. I also told him that all he said and did today I would never hold against him, because he can't take it back either, and therefore I wouldn't let it bother me because of the fact that I knew he was very angry. I kept letting him know that I love him, and that I honestly want everything to work out, for the sake of us and our child. I then baked him cookies, gave him plenty of hugs and kisses, made plans for the weekend, and he went to bed happier than usual.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

A couple things I should mention, though...

Before I got pregnant with my son, I was heavy into painkillers (Vicodin and the like) was pretty much an alcoholic, and smoked marijuana regularly. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day after I went on a Vicodin binge, and I stopped drinking and stopped taking painkillers and stopped smoking "green". Because of my opiate addiction, I went through some pretty nasty withdrawals ("the shakes", insomnia, nausea, cold-sweating, migraines, etc...), and generally the only way withdrawals can be cured immediately is if you take the substance you are withdrawing from. But I went through those without medical help, because I knew I could stop it all on my own. My son, at that very moment, became my life.

My boyfriend at the time left me after me informing him of the fact that I was with child, because he told me he couldn't handle something like that (funny thing, though, is that he is now in a serious relationship with a woman who has two children of her own who she has full custody of). I was lost, hurt, and alone, and a week later, suddenly my "future husband" comes around. Sort of like that "knight in shining armor" ordeal.

My husband was also recovering from a pretty heavy opiate addiction, and upon marrying me, he quit drinking, quit taking painkillers, and quit smoking "green", since he was also supporting me in the decision of me cutting drugs out of my life.

So as far as me being very young (19), my son saved my life from a very hard road of drug addiction, and thus I am farthest from the party scene. I surround myself with people who don't do drugs or party (some of them do drink, but not often, and not around me).

With the birth of my son, I did realize that my days of "being young and havin' fun!" were over. And I don't really miss it.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like you are taking all the steps to make it work! A word of caution - be careful how much and what you share with family. Sometimes venting - which makes you feel better - and their sympathy - which also makes you feel better - can come back to bite you in the butt later on when things are good again, but they still have this picture of 'how he was' that they hang on to and compare any small thing to in the future. Do NOT take that to mean you can't talk to them about things, just be careful how and what you discuss - especially when your angry


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

I've noticed that a lot when speaking with my sister about my husband. She has this skewed perspective of him because of the fact that every time I talk to her, I tell her something new about what is going wrong in the relationship and what he did that hurt me deeply since the last time we spoke. At this point, she is completely for me leaving him, and has told me on multiple occasions that some things that he's done I should not put up with. She gave me the key to Pandora's box today, and this is the first time that any advice of hers has worked for the better.


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