# Husband turns me off. Advice please.



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all. 

8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought.. 
Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly kissed him for many years as I cannot stand the sloppy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one). 
As it turns out he has had a huge issue with thinking his penis is too small, whereas in reality that is not the issue, it's much more an issue that he just isn't a sensual or intuitive or understanding lover - and that the sex is over so quickly hardly helps. It is just not exciting, it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. I know how horrible this sounds for me to say. He has never attempted to go down on me and when he touches me he just sort of caresses the lips of my vagina which does absolutely nothing, so usually I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with.
I have only ever a few times had an orgasm during sex with him and that was in the first year of our relationship. He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him.. 
On the other hand I regularly fantasize about other men, I look at porn occasionally and I masterbate maybe a few times a week. I had a pretty varied and interesting sex life before I was married and I know there is a whole world of sex out there that i'm just not experiencing. 
It makes me feel sad definitely to think i'll never have passionate amazing sex again. During the last two years, I've been working out regularly and feeling phsically fit and inshape has definitely increased my libido as well as my sexual frustration. I now have developed a crush on one of the trainers at the gym, there is definitely some kind of chemistry between us although I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no idea that I am totally hung up on him and fantasise all the time about him (he's also married). I actually feel like I'm getting emotionally attached to him although I have never flirt with him or have given him any indication to my feelings. I just torture myself all the time by continuing to go the gym to see him. 
Although I would never leave my husband, I imagine if the trainer was at all available or hitting on my I may have gone for it by now. I feel really guilty for admitting that. 
It would hurt my husband so much to find out how much he turns me off in bed and that I've been fantasising about someone else. But the thing is he just isn't that attentive to me outside the bedroom either and I think that is part of the attraction with the trainer who on the other hand is very attentive and interested and caring (of course he is, it's part of his job!!) 
I'm not sure what kind of advice people can give me here, though if things continue this way, I suppose out of desperation I will, (some years down the track), end up cheating on my husband. I don't know if I should fess up to my husband about the crush or not? He's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to relationships, I know he'd be really upset and jealous if I told him, however I find that idea easier of that much easier than trying to talk to him about how he doesn't turn me on in bed, which seems like an impossible subject. I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine, perhaps if I tell him about the crush he will get a wake up call to possibility that everything isn't as picture perfect as he imagines.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

YOU have a problem, YOU need to talk to your husband and teach him how to do things that turn you on. If HE then refuses to learn, that is a different story. But seriously, tonight in bed start messing around with him. guide his hands, teach him to read your body and what you like. Many guys are bad lovers ONLY because they are under the impression what they do is good for the woman. I can tell when something doesn't feel right to my wife, and I make adjustments until it does. I wasn't always that way, I would finger too hard, skip or cut short foreplay, etc... but eventually she learned how to tell me in a nonjudgemental way that certain things just needed to be done differently. 


As far as the trainer goes, keep it a fantasy and do not act on it. Concentrate more on your husband and you will find the fantasy switches over to him. Right now you sound like you are looking for someone to say jump on the trainer and dump your husband, sorry but most folks here won't take that stance.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Please use paragraph breaks, with space between the paragraphs... It's really hard to read a wall of text.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey Vincelota, I think that you and I could be soul sisters, as I feel exactly the same way about my husband, and like you, have developed a bit of a crush (which I can't see myself doing anything about), and I also don't know how to talk to my H about this either. I've started going to therapy, as there are quite a few issues in our marriage that need to get resolved. This might be something to think about for you as well. And, I've started reading the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. There is a relationship satisfaction survey in there that I would like us to take. Like you, I also hate kissing my H, more due to really bad breath, but I had to teach him how to kiss. He was a virgin when we met, and therefore, completely clueless. He was very sloppy to the point where I had to wipe my face off between kisses. After a few pointers, he's improved a bit, but it's still not enjoyable, and like you, I often either envision someone else, or just go to my happy place until it's over. I'm really not sure what to tell you, but like me, it sounds like you may be starting to check out. This is another reason I'm going to therapy, and working on myself to better understand the situation. Unlike you, the only "kids" we have are furry, and they were mine before marriage, are in the prenup, and would go to me in the case of a divorce. I'm not well-versed when there are children involved.

Also, check out some google searches on marriage advice. There are a lot of decent reads out there, and you may get some lightbulb moments. I know I did. Rest assured though, that you're not the only one going through this.


----------



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

Ok thanks for the tip, I have never posted in a forum before!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vincelota said:


> When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all.
> 8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought.. Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly mouth kissed him now for many years because I cannot stand the sloppy unsexy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one). As it turns out he has had a huge issue with thinking his penis is too small, whereas in reality that is not the issue, it's much more an issue that he just isn't a sensual or intuitive or understanding lover - and that the sex is over so quickly hardly helps. It is just not exciting, it's like sex with an inexperienced teenager. He has never attempted to go down on me and when he touches me he just sort of caresses the lips of my vagina which does absolutely nothing, so usually I just brush his hand away so he can get on with the job and get it over with. I have only ever a few times had an orgasm during sex with him and that was in the first year of our relationship. He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is i have a low libido around him.. On the other hand I regularly fantasise about other men, I watch porn sometimes and I masterbate maybe a few times a week. I had a pretty varied and interesting sex life before I was married and I know there is a whole world of sex out there that i'm just not experiencing. It makes me feel sad definitely to think i'll never have passionate amazing sex again. During the last two years, I've been working out regularly and am fit and attractive (I get quite a bit of unwanted male attention etc). Feeling phsically fit and inshape has definitely increased my libido and sexual frustration. I now have developed a crush on one of the trainers at the gym, there is definitely some kind of chemistry between us although I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no idea that I am totally hung up on him and fantasise all the time about him (he's also married). I actually feel like I'm getting emotionally attached to him although I have never flirt with him or have given him any indication to my feelings. I just torture myself all the time by continuing to go the gym to see him.
> Although I would never leave my husband, I imagine if the trainer was at all available or hitting on my I may have gone for it by now. I feel really guilty for admitting that. It would hurt my husband so much to find out how much he turns me off in bed and that I've been fantasising about someone else. But the thing is he just isn't that attentive to me outside the bedroom either and I think that is part of the attraction with the trainer who on the other hand is very attentive and interested and caring (of course he is, it's part of his job!!)
> I'm not sure what kind of advice people can give me here, though if things continue this way, I suppose out of desperation I will end up cheating on my husband with the trainer or someone else. I don't know if I should fess up to my husband about the crush or not? He's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to relationships, I know he'd be really upset and jealous if I told him, however I find that idea easier of that much easier than trying to talk to him about how he doesn't turn me on in bed, which seems like an impossible subject. I have tried talking to him about our relationship recently, but he just wants to believe everything is fine, perhaps if I tell him about the crush he will get a wake up call to possibility that everything isn't as picture perfect as he imagines.


Your sexual compatible is not stagnant!! It's like a dance it takes practice and intimacy. Don't tell him he sucks in bed, tell him we need to get better at this. It's not good enough for you anymore. Put the onus on both of you because it is both your responsibility. Yes he sucks but, he is not a mind reader, he needs direction, you should have spoken up long ago. You need to ask for what you want. Besides that, all men want a woman who responds to them. So this probably is a disappointment to him too. He doesn't want to be the safe choice. 

I would have an entirely different take on this if you had written you had talked about it. But you haven't done that yet. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broken. Yes it's going to hurt his feelings but you need to say it nice, BUT SAY IT!

As a man and a husband, hearing this would be painful, but even worse would be that my wife didn't trust me enough to tell me what she liked and what she didn't so we could make it better. I want her to enjoy it so we can do it often. I would feel very cheated. Plus I like most men like a challenge. I would want to be the best to her. Unlike what Hollywood, books, and magazines have told us sometimes people just don't click sexualy at first. Just like sometimes people can't dance well together at first. There needs to be work. Most of all communicate!


----------



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

happy2gether said:


> YOU have a problem, YOU need to talk to your husband and teach him how to do things that turn you on. If HE then refuses to learn, that is a different story. .


Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well beyond time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" where you need to let your hair down to him!

Your demands are far from being unreasonable!*


----------



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Hey Vincelota, I think that you and I could be soul sisters, as I feel exactly the same way about my husband, and like you, have developed a bit of a crush (which I can't see myself doing anything about), and I also don't know how to talk to my H about this either. I've started going to therapy, as there are quite a few issues in our marriage that need to get resolved. This might be something to think about for you as well. And, I've started reading the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. There is a relationship satisfaction survey in there that I would like us to take. Like you, I also hate kissing my H, more due to really bad breath, but I had to teach him how to kiss. He was a virgin when we met, and therefore, completely clueless. He was very sloppy to the point where I had to wipe my face off between kisses. After a few pointers, he's improved a bit, but it's still not enjoyable, and like you, I often either envision someone else, or just go to my happy place until it's over. I'm really not sure what to tell you, but like me, it sounds like you may be starting to check out. This is another reason I'm going to therapy, and working on myself to better understand the situation. Unlike you, the only "kids" we have are furry, and they were mine before marriage, are in the prenup, and would go to me in the case of a divorce. I'm not well-versed when there are children involved.
> 
> Also, check out some google searches on marriage advice. There are a lot of decent reads out there, and you may get some lightbulb moments. I know I did. Rest assured though, that you're not the only one going through this.



Hi Ursula, thanks for your advice. I have definitely been ignoring this issue for too long and will check that book out, it will be a good start. I would really like to see a sex therapist or marriage counsellor too, although we currently live in a non-english speaking country and it's not so easy to find someone to talk to here.
Good luck to you !


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its difficult to talk about but you *need* to talk about it. 

As someone else posted, if you have told him what you want and he won't do it, that is one thing, but it is possible that he honestly doesn't know. (and that you may not know what he wants). 

You could be one conversation away from a happy passionate sex life. 

Of course he might be unwilling to do what you want, but you would know. 

If you talk, don't make it accusative. Don't talk about what you don't like, instead talk about what you would like. 

What have you got to lose?




Vincelota said:


> Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.


----------



## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I agree with sokillme.
My advice, take some control of your sex life.
So your H is never going to be that hot trainer that you imagine would rock your world and satisfy your sexual fantasies. He probably has his own issues sexually anyway so the grass isn't necessarily greener.

So what do you do? Take control in the bedroom and teach your H. Stop masturbating and watching porn, and direct all that sexual frustration back to him and improving your sex life. Perhaps include him in the porn and masturbation if he can join you, be involved, help, or do it to you. If you use a toy, see if you can teach him to use it on you. I understand reaching orgasm is a problem (which masturbation can provide) but if you include him, he might learn things about what makes you feel good and it could lead to better sex.

Some ideas:
Ask him about what he likes sexually or fantasizes about or tell him what you'd like and how.
I'll give an example. My wife likes being spanked while having intercourse and having her hair pulled (gently.) She likes me verbally reaffirming to her that she's a good girl while treating her like a bad one. I mean this isn't always, but sometimes she's in the mood for it and it drives her absolutely wild to multiple orgasms. I didn't know this about her for the first 15 years with her until I discovered it basically accidentally. Until then, I was always pretty sensual and gentle with her. The sex was always great, but relatively "normal" I'd say when in fact I can be a pretty kinky person, myslef. Who knew?
Had she just told me what she liked or asked me what I'm into, we might have discovered some of these kinky things a long time ago. I've since discovered other things about what she likes. But I learned that the more dominant I am with her, the more she likes it (usually.) All she had to do was say so.

So what do you do? Maybe start coaching him. Teach him how you like to kiss. Tell him what to do. Teach him how to properly go down on you. My W seems to be turned off when I ask her questions about whether or not what I'm doing is good or bad (because sometimes she's not giving me good feedback) and I admit it breaks the moment, but I try to tell her that the more she helps me, the better I'm going to be at pleasing her (and won't have to ask as much anymore.) I think (I know) I was always great at going down, but she's taught me to be better or at least better at the way she likes it. She likes different things at different times, so I try them until I find out what's working for her that day.

I don't know, but if you can sort of train him to be the partner you're looking for, maybe he'll catch on and start being that partner without you having to work at it. Initially, he's going to question why you're doing this, but tell him it's because you want to turn up the spark in your sex life and improve it for the both of you.
He may also have things he wants to do or is afraid to try because he doesn't think you'll like them.

I don't know, I think it's worth a shot. Decide that you want better sex with him and make it happen rather than be a victim of an inadequate partner.

There are also books you can direct him to read. Really you have to get over not wanting to hurt his feelings and communicate to him that you're sexually unsatisfied and give him the opportunity to learn. He's either going to go for it, or reject it because he doesn't want to change.
Personally, I like it when my wife corrects me and tells me that she doesn't like something and when what I'm doing works for her.

I know it's cliche' but the advice on here almost always goes back to communication. If you can communicate your spouse, you give them the opportunity to improve. Not communicating will not make things better.
Just approach the communication as being constructive and wanting to spice things up and make the relationship stronger rather than as criticism or inadequacy. Being positive tends to make them less defensive and more willing to work at it.

I had a lull in my sex life. I'm still working at it. Through a series of conversations and even a "fight" or two we continue to work toward a much better situation. Sex is back, better than ever, and improving.

Good luck.


----------



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

JamesTKirk said:


> I agree with sokillme.
> My advice, take some control of your sex life.
> So your H is never going to be that hot trainer that you imagine would rock your world and satisfy your sexual fantasies. He probably has his own issues sexually anyway so the grass isn't necessarily greener.
> 
> ...


WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!! 
One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point. 
The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that. 
I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
Also about him going down on me - he has NEVER done that.. is that not a sign that he just isn't interested? He did once very long ago sort of approach going down there, but he did it so tentatively, I felt awkward so awkward I wiggled around to get him back up to me. By now, him going down, would feel almost taboo for me, although in previous relationships I loved having a man down there between my legs and given enough time was able to orgasm. 
I know from experience, I am also turned on by being with a more dominant partner, however I just feel that my H doesn't have it in him to be that way with me, I just cannot imagine it at all!! He is much softer and slower in bed, partially because he doesn't want to come to quickly. Actually I have just always imagined someone naturally is more dominant as a lover, or is not! Just as some men are more interested in pleasing their partner than others. Perhaps I was wrong about that..


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its still a matter of communication - at least to try. 

Its difficult to tell if he doesn't know what you want, or doesn't care. 

Have you ever tried being a bit dominant with him? It might actually make him feel free to be the same way with you. (or not). 

His tentativeness may be that he knows you aren't enjoying much but he is worried how you might react to things he would try. 

He doesn't give you oral, do you do it for him? 




Vincelota said:


> WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
> One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
> The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
> I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
> ...


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Vincelota said:


> WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
> One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
> The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
> I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
> ...


This post seems to say that you are not really interested in working it out with your husband. It kind of sounds like you are done and want to move on. If that is the case - then be done and move on! Don't stick around until you cheat and blow the marriage up.

If it's not the case - then stop making excuses and telling us why you aren't working on - and line up a good sex therapist (some will do skype sessions if you can't find someone in the country you live in) and get busy working to try to solve the problems that are bothering you. 

I am not trying to be harsh here - I actually get where you are coming from. But your crush on the trainor is making you look at your husband in an even more negative way than you would be if you weren't crushing on someone. In a way it sounds like you think the grass looks greener on the other side - and because what you really want to do is go try out that grass - you are convincing yourself you don't even have any grass at all on your side. 

People can change - being a good sex partner is a learned skill! You have not even given him a chance to learn! So the fault is not all with your husband, is it? 

If you really want to stay with your husband and try to make your marriage work - here is my suggestions:
1. Change gyms immediately - and from now on train only with a woman.
2. Recommit to your marriage and to your husband
3. Start seriously looking for a good sex therapist.
4. Start working on changing yourself. It sounds like you have/are making your fair share of mistakes in your marriage that has/are greatly contributing to the problem. Take the beam out of your eye before trying to take the splinter out of his eye.
5. Check out this site and DO the things it says for you to do! Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice (Better yet - read it together with your husband to start the dialogue you both so desperately need to be having.

If you do all the above for at least a year - and nothing changes - then it may be time to think about moving on.

But from what you have said so far - maybe you should actually try to work on things first before giving up and throwing in the towel.


----------



## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Vincelota said:


> WOW, Your openly communicative relationship is quite inspiring!!
> One issue is that I don't have any desire to do anything with him at this point.
> The other is that actually we have, during the years, had a couple of conversations brought up by him due to my basic lack of interest. I did the wrong thing by assuring him that for me having an orgasm isn't important as far enjoying sex (which obviously wasn't entirely truthful) however I had also tentatively mentioned during both those conversations that perhaps bringing a vibrator into bed would be a good idea as I don't climax very easily. He never took me up on that idea. I feel like he also is too tentative to do something so "different" in bed like that.
> I find communication with my H difficult on most issues, whereas I am a pretty open communicator in general. I just feel like after several years of silence on this issue, it's so hard to suddenly open the dialogue.
> ...


It's not as great or easy as I make it sound. She isn't an openly sexual person never talks about it. She very rarely ever shows any interest and I'm pleasantly surprised when she does.
She's really not a good communicator and I feel like I have to drag things out of her her all of the time. She fears conflict and hates to argue or fight. As a result, she holds back.

What happened with me is that I hit a point where I was so unhappy that I felt I had nothing to lose by laying it all out. If anything, at worst we'd divorce and I viewed that as an opportunity to find happiness again. Not surprisingly, when I forced a conversation, it all opened up enough I push to keep that going. It's not where I wish it was, but it's working enough for now. I try very hard to not be critical or negative and make communication a positive experience.

So when you say it's hard to suddenly open dialog, I know exactly what you mean. I spent months trying to build up the nerve to talk to her and even find a time when she wasn't distracted. But I finally did and that's the moment things improved. You have to recognize this is the time to do exactly that. Get him to sit down when the kids are in bed, no distractions, and find the words to do it. First, you have to figure out what you want, then find a way to say it. Don't waste more time.

I worded it as "bringing back the spark" initially which is exactly what you expect to hear from a spouse when your sex life is stagnant. It suggests returning romance and sex. No spouse is going to say no to that unless they really don't want to and if that's the case that's another conversation to have.

Some guys, I guess, just don't like to go down on a woman. I can't relate. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like it more than she does, I'm sure. Maybe when you talk to him, you can ask him. Ask him if he doesn't like it. You'll find out. Feeling taboo? That almost sounds a goal to me  That might be exactly the excitement needed.

Some guys aren't really dominant. I don't think I really used to be but I learned to be that way when I figured out that's what women want. Maybe you can ask him if he'd try to be more dominant and try to explain what that's like. My wife likes me to hold her arms down, pinning her to the bed. That's something she taught me. I was afraid to do that until she told me she wanted it.

It seems your problem is that you don't even want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore. I'm not sure what to tell you. You want to have an affair and you're looking for justification, maybe. So if you want to improve things, you're going to have to address it. It's not going to fix itself.

Does he know how much you masturbate or watch porn or do you hide it from him?
Any thoughts on asking him to be involved?

I think I'd jump at the chance but I'm very different from your H. If my wife suggested toys, I'd have some delivered overnight 

Well, think about it. Think about what you might achieve if you address this. Think about what you want (if you even want anything.) Think about what you think he wants.

One thing I tell guys that are getting no sex is to tell their wife that they want more sex in their relationship and ask her to provide a solution. Then wait for her answer. She'll tell them what they need to know to fix things.
Maybe you can take a similar tactic. Communicating that you're unsatisfied with the sex you have, explain to him what you'd like to have, and ask if he could be more like that.

My wife explained to me several times, "I'm not like that and that isn't going to change" about a few things which told me what I had to work with. I managed to find what did work for us. Maybe you can figure out his limits.

This is all just stuff to think about. I know it's not that simple. Best of luck.


----------



## Vincelota (Feb 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I think its still a matter of communication - at least to try.
> 
> Its difficult to tell if he doesn't know what you want, or doesn't care.
> 
> ...


Yes I do - or I did give him oral.. it has been a while. He would like more (what man doesn't), but I think there is a part of me that feels like it's quite one sided, so why should I! On the other hand if it's something that just simply doesn't turn him on, then I definitely do NOT want him going down there. By now I would hate to bring it up in case he decided to try it out! 

To answer your question I think it has more to do with not know what I want than not caring, since he has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times. I just feel like it's kind of beyond him to learn, he's not new at this - he's ten years my senior, in his 40's. But perhaps I'm wrong. He was previously married and I know that relationship ended up being very sexless in the end. I do think that previous relationship may have set him up for not being very confident in bed. Actually I doubt he's ever had a partner with whom he's been openly communicate about sex with.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vincelota said:


> Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.


Nothing good in your life comes with out risk. I assume you read her right? What is worse for you and him, you tell him and you both work on it. Or he balks and you move on, or you destroy him by cheating with a personal trainer no less. Give the man a shot. How many BS post on here, why didn't she tell me. 

I am not saying be mean but tell him, make it a project. NOTHING GOOD IN LIFE COMES WITHOUT RISK. It is scary to take a risk. You love this man right? WHY NOT EVEN IF IT IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TAKE A RISK THAT YOU COULD LOVE THE MAN AND LOVE MAKING LOVE TO HIM!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Coulda sworn I read a post like this around a year ago - just a different name.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt at this point, but I admit to being skeptical of your story. If you've had such a rich and varied sexual history, why haven't you taught your husband how to make love to you? Your story implies that he's not nearly as experienced as you are, so you would think you would have been a teacher? If not, why not? You don't seem to have any sexual hang ups, so why are you failing so miserably at communicating your needs to your H in the bedroom? Gonna be blunt here - I have little patience with people who fail to communicate obvious needs/wants because they either 1) don't want to hurt feelings or 2) feel it's your partner's responsibility to read your mind. Timidity gets you nowhere, and expecting a mind reader is passive/aggressive.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You may be able to work with this. 

Give him some oral, then before you finish, tell him that you'll finish him once he returns the favor. Make it lighthearted - but see if he is up for it. 

I know you prefer him to be a bit dominant, but you may need to do it yourself a little to teach him. 

If he cares about you, doing things that give you great pleasure should be really fun / exciting for him. Part of the trick above is that when people are aroused their inhibitions are considerably lowered, so he is more likely to find it a positive experience.


Of course if his previous relationships have had very limited sex, there may be nothing you can do. Still, I think its worth a try on the theory that you have nothign to lose.



Vincelota said:


> Yes I do - or I did give him oral.. it has been a while. He would like more (what man doesn't), but I think there is a part of me that feels like it's quite one sided, so why should I! On the other hand if it's something that just simply doesn't turn him on, then I definitely do NOT want him going down there. By now I would hate to bring it up in case he decided to try it out!
> 
> To answer your question I think it has more to do with not know what I want than not caring, since he has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times. I just feel like it's kind of beyond him to learn, he's not new at this - he's ten years my senior, in his 40's. But perhaps I'm wrong. He was previously married and I know that relationship ended up being very sexless in the end. I do think that previous relationship may have set him up for not being very confident in bed. Actually I doubt he's ever had a partner with whom he's been openly communicate about sex with.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You finding another man attractive is not the crappy part of this situation. 

You refusing to talk to your husband is.

You've avoided this for so long that now your husband, who was lackluster to begin with, is competing against a fantasy.

In the meantime, you now have two kids that have to be factored into this entire situation.

You have created this situation by ignoring reality, and are continuing to make it worse by doing the same.

Tell your husband the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If there were a magic wand to make men into better lovers, we would all know about it and the person who invented it would be richer than Bill Gates. Just like if there were something that increases a woman's libido for her not rich not super hot husband, we would all know about it and know the name of the inventor. The fact that we don't all know the name of the product and the name of the inventor and the inventor's immense net worth proves conclusively that there is no such thing.

The only good outcome here is your H learns to be a better lover. And, absent the magic wand, the only way for him to get there is for you to teach him. If you refuse to do that, then you are implicitly asking for a bad outcome. You should do some serious soul searching as to why you prefer a bad outcome over teaching your H how to make sex good for you. If that is your decision, I would suggest you see a counsellor to discuss why you made that choice. Because you don't want to repeat the same mistake in your next relationship.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey JamesTKirk,

I really enjoyed reading your post, and think that you and your W sound like a very strong couple with a healthy intimate life. My question to you would be this though: what would your advice be for someone who has zero desire to be with their significant other? What would you do if you were no longer attracted to your W in any way? Also, if you had directed your W to various articles on intimacy early on in the relationship, and she opted for not reading them, what would your advice be to that?


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

It wouldn't surprise me if your husband was thinking about things the way you are right now. 

If you think that he is satisfied with what you offer, think again. 
I'm sure that he would only be delighted to improve the sex in your marriage. 

Talk to him, it's not easy at first but once you break through the first wall, it becomes easier and easier to discuss things. 
There is loads of books online, so much information now that can help you both, all you have to do is give it a try. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Ursula said:


> My question to you would be this though: what would your advice be for someone who has zero desire to be with their significant other?


Move on. Give them their freedom. Go find someone you have desire to be with sexually. Free them to do the same.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> It wouldn't surprise me if your husband was thinking about things the way you are right now.
> 
> If you think that he is satisfied with what you offer, think again.
> I'm sure that he would only be delighted to improve the sex in your marriage.
> ...



This is exactly what I was going to say. OP, clearly he's aware there are issues with the sex because you said he's brought it up a few times and YOU responded badly by telling him orgasming is not an issue for you. I can only imagine it must have taken a lot of courage on his part to bring up the issue to you, more than once. I'm sure he's aware you weren't completely honest in your responses.

C'mon OP. If it's too hard to say, write it down. As a woman I know its difficult to talk to your spouse about issues such as this. Just last week I was telling my partner that immediately after we argue I'd rather have gentler, more sensual sex as opposed to the usual dominant/submissive style. I admitted that for some reason I find it impossible to say it to him in the moment. We theorized that it's possibly me wanting to protect his ego and worrying that he'll feel bad or embarrassed that he's not doing the right thing. We came up with one special word I could say in the moment that would immediately communicate my need for gentler sex. Our sex life didn't start out perfectly. We had hangups just like you and your husband. But from reading so much excellent advice here on TAM I realized I needed to stop expecting him to be a mind reader and tell him exactly what I needed. No matter how hard it is. Find a way to do it.

Clearly your partner is open to talking about the sex in general. You can do this! Communicate OP, communicate.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband isn't satisfied with your sex life either. He has been trying to resolve it, but you have lied to him because you don't want to hurt his feelings. News Flash: Your husband is already hurting. He knows you don't like having sex with him and he's been trying to resolve that, but he is met with indifference. You have actually been making things worse while your husband has tried to make things better.

Clearly your husband hasn't been with women who loved sex. Very likely the reason he goes off quickly is that he has been with women (you included!) who tell him to get it over with. 

The ball is in your court. If you want things to improve, you don't tell him he's terrible in bed. Frankly you are just as bad, if not worse than he is, in bed. Have you considered that?

Furthermore, stop fantasizing about other people. No one can live up to a fantasy, even the man you are fantasizing about won't live up to your fantasy. Find a new gym. Get your thought life in order. Get some fantasy talk going with your husband about what you to want to do to each other and how you want to please each other.

As far as your husband, the first thing you need to do is apologize for not being honest with him and for not working with him to have a dynamic sex life. Love your man and tell him that you want to love each other sexually as well. Gently let him know that you want to start by working with him on how he kisses. Practice with him. Start immediately. You may not like it at first, but tell him to swallow and help him learn how to kiss you properly. Seriously, he doesn't know and you can teach him. It will probably hurt his feelings, but his feelings will improve quickly as he learns how to kiss you properly and you are enjoying him and wanting to kiss him!

Ask him what he needs from you. Let him know that you want him to touch you more - not less. A big part of this problem is that he has no idea what you like and you haven't done anything to share that information with him.

Talk about helping him learn to last longer before the first time he orgasms. There are things that can be done to help him delay orgasm. Learn them.

I have a feeling that when you tell your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him and are willing to start right now that you will have a happy, enthusiastic husband on your hands who will be willing to learn how to make love to you, so you will both be satisfied.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Listen to Cynthia. She is one of the wisest ladies here. Her last post hit home to me. I can tell my wife doesn't like having sex with me. I'm just another chore for her. I haven't initiated in 2 months and have no interest in initiating any time in the future.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Vincelota said:


> ......The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. .....He also orgasmed really quickly.....I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring....
> 
> ...8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children........................we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought..
> 
> ...


An now for a totally different perspective. I look at what you wrote and think that you need a little tough love.

I am a real fan of Dr. David Schnarch. He wrote the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible books on Marriage. One of the things he likes to say is that most couples communicate very well. He likes to use the example of going to a restaurant and seeing to starry eye lovers looking at each other holding hands and constantly talking; then looking at another table at an older married couple who eat in silence and never say a word. Schnarch likes to point out that that older married couple has had every discussion the young couple has dozens of times over and knows all the answers to the others questions and that they can communicate with a look, body language, or a gesture what that young couple will require hours of talk to accomplish.

The point is that you have been communicating with your husband your entire marriage. He knows that you dismiss his love making and he doesn't please you in bed and that you have no desire for him. If he knows that how do you think that makes him feel about putting any effort into pleasing you?

Schnarch also describes something he observes in marital counseling sessions. He calls it marital sadism. Where one partner goes out of their way to torment the other so as to develop some kind of sexual S&M codependent relationship.

Some of the things you have written could have been said by my wife at the height or depth of our Sex Starved Marriage when she hated me and every time I attempted to have sex with her she emotionally hurt me. 

Let me tell you right now if a woman I was in a relationship with every said half of the things you have written, I would have kicked her out of the bed and told her that I deserved better than that. Actually I have done that with my wife. Then I learned that we were each part of the problem and had been hurting each other for years. It took a lot of change on my wife's part and my part, but with the help of a good sex therapist we were able to rebuild our marriage.

You have two great kids and total disrespect for the father of your children. I think you should stand in front of a mirror naked and take a good look at yourself, physcialy and emotionally. Then ask yourself if the father of your children and the man that married you, deserves better and more real love than you are giving him now. 

I will wager that the answer is yes, even if you don't want to admit it. If so then you either need to figure out how to change yourself so he gets the love and emotional support he deserves from you, or you need to talk to him and tell him that you can't go on hurting him like you have and you want a divorce so he can be happy

Either find a good sex therapist or two good divorce attorneys. You need one or the other. Your husband is not the sole problem.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Vincelota said:


> When I met my husband I was physically attracted to him, he's quite good looking, slim, dresses well, good hygiene etc.The sex was OK, at least I thought so, certainly good enough for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Although looking back now I realise that I found it unusual that he always turned the lights off and kept his eyes tightly shut. He also orgasmed really quickly, but kept it up for a second time to make intercourse last more than a couple of minutes. I also from the beginning avoided mouth kissing him by kissing ears and neck etc as I found the kisses a bit sloppy. This all sounds a bit boring, but I was so in love, I didn't mind at all.
> 
> 8 years later and we have to gorgeous small children. When our second child was born, that's when we really stopped having such regular sex mainly because I was just so tired all the time, at least that's what I thought..
> Now I don't have the tired excuse anymore, but I just really dislike sex with my husband. Many things he does in bed actually irritate me rather than turns me on. I haven't properly kissed him for many years as I cannot stand the sloppy kisses and sex just consists of a bit of a hand job and then me rolling over to let him take me from behind for a few minutes (or maybe just one).
> ...


So cheating on your husband seems easier then talking to him? Don't be a coward. My husband was a bit of a bumbling mess too when it came to things like foreplay, so I told him and showed him what I liked and didn't. And I the same for him. Now he is very in tune with my body, but that took years!

If you aren't going to give your husband even a CHANCE at being a better lover, then don't cheat on him, divorce him instead. No one should have to feel like that. Can.you imagine if YOU sucked in bed and he was getting ready to just go **** some random chicks he spends time with? Seriously? How can people treat their PARTNERS,. The ones they vowed to love forever, so damn terribly.

Im sorry you are frustrated but you arent even giving him a chance to get better since you won't talk to him. You yourself said that he thinks he is good in bed, and that's YOUR FAULT. He doesn't know any better.

I know the problem here, and sorry to tell you, but it's not your husband. It's you. The lack of respect you show for your husband is disgraceful.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Vincelota said:


> Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like* it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom* and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.


Don''t bring it up in the bedroom. Go for a walk and discuss it away from bedroom so there is not any pressure to perform right away. Most husbands want their wife to be happy in the bedroom, and want the communication.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Have you thought about trying to teach your husband your likes in bed? Like instead of pushing his hand away ask him to do what your really want. Some men just need instructions (in a sexy way). It might help your sex life and his confidence during sex. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Vincelota said:


> Hi! Thanks for your advice. Yes I definitely get that it is a communication issue on my side. I just feel like it is soooooo hard to talk about this subject with my husband outside of the bedroom and it's been so many years of not enjoying the sex that I just tend to desperately want it to be over as soon as it's started.. Even the idea of teaching him to do things just kind of fills be with anxiety and dread.


He probably senses that and it likely affects his ability to perform. Coming quickly is a symptom of performance anxiety in some guys. You two could also go to a toy store and stock up. Make them a part of your sex play and that way he won't cum too quickly 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Vincelota said:


> He thinks I just have a low libido, the truth is I have a low libido around him...


1) Your honesty is raw and refreshing. Thank you.

2) You are a cheating time bomb waiting to go off. 

Thankfully, your morality has kept you in check so far.

3) The respect is gone here and you've checked out. Your two options:

a) Divorce him and find a lover who can quench your sexual appetite.

b) Teach him yourself how to please you. It doesn't come naturally to everyone.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Damn some of you guys are brutal but it's good advice.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Teach him to get better or do both fo you a favor and divorce. Divorce now may seem harsh. Divorce later after you have cheated and your financial lives are more entangled will be infinitely more painful. The gangrene is crawling up your leg. Cut it off now or later. Your choice. Later means you lose more of your leg.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am going to guess that you were not very specific with your husband about what you dislike and like. My wife and I will quickly tell each other what we do not like in bed. After 44 years of marriage we both know what buttons to press to have intense orgams all around. In fact, my wife said that she is having the most intense orgasms of her life. Due to medical issues for both of us, we do not have intercourse and have not for about the last 15 years and yet we always found a way to have enjoyable sex. Most people are uncomfortable in telling a sex partner that what they do irritates them or is not desirable. I cannot imagine telling someone that I dislike something and they still do it. That is not even trying. That is not showing love.

Sounds like your husband is not very good at sex. Sex is a skill that can be learned and if he was interested, he could learn to be a much better lover. I will do anything in bed and have done so. No one ever left my bed unsatisfied. I knew more about the female body than many women did in the pre-internet days. Most men did not even know what a clitoris was or where to find it. I firmly believe that good sex is a result of good communication. I have always asked the woman what she likes and told her what I liked. That ensured that a good time was had by all. I also become attuned to the woman so I know if she is enjoying it or not. My focus is always on her pleasure first and then mine or simultaneous as often was the case. I studied sex, I learned by experience and I wanted to be very good at it. I can get my wife to orgasm in under 3 minutes almost every time, even if she was not horny when we started. I lived with my wife and a girlfriend we shared and the girlfriend was not with us for 30 years for the witty conversation.  Talk to your husband and be very blunt but do it in a way that does not emasculate him. Instead of telling him that you hate what he does, tell him what you like instead. If he does not make the effort, take control. I also believe that we all have to be responsible for our own orgasms. Use a vibrator during intercourse or instead of it. Do whatever it takes for you to have satisfying sex.

Scheduling a night a week for mandatory sex is a great way to rekindle your sex life but only if both of you try.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your fear of talking to your husband about sex is crippling you.

Fear, fear, and more fear. You are crippled by fear. Sexual repression.

My wife was very repressed when I married her. Not as bad as you, but bad. She pulled that nonsense of saying she didn't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. I told her I wouldn't accept that and she better get better or get out. I did help her, and I do believe it is my job to do everything in my power to make her orgasm, so she had a lot of opportunity.

My wife was crippled by fear and repressions. She had repressed memories and all kinds of problems. We did manage to get through it all. But I do have to say it took one of us constantly refusing to accept anything less than constantly pushing for something better. Me. I am extremely dominant, and I never let her rest.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need someone to push you hard. You seem unable to push yourself. Sadly, I don't think your husband is going to push you.

I wish you a good life.


----------

