# Walking on eggshells...advice needed please



## mommato3 (Feb 21, 2013)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband and I have been together for 14 years; however we have only been married for 7. We have 3 children together. I have been by his side through his previous years of substance abuse, infidelity (way back in our early dating years) and gambling ($10,000). Although, many of that is long in the past and he no longer does any of that...I state that as those are huge factors to me as I have been extremely supportive and stood by his side. His mother is a nurse and his father is a retired police officer. He had the traditional white picket fence childhood upbringing and had the support from his parents, but for some reason he resents them a bit and rebelled as a teen and young adult (I promise, there is a reason as to why I give this background). 
He did not make it through college, which is fine, but I would prefer for him to be ambitious and set goals. I am one who received my bachelor's and went on to receive my master's degree; along with pursue further career advancements. 
Here is what I am noticing. We are now two different people. He lacks any drive and motivation. If anything breaks around the house, it will not get fixed. I have a faucet that needs to be replaced for OVER A YEAR! However, I need to be very cautious in how I approach him in asking several times to fix items, help around the house, etc because it is truly like walking on eggshells! It always causes a fight, because his response is a shouting match of “YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" His perceptions are off with how I ask things. He perceives it as I am being demanding and nagging along with adding words that I never used, when I am simply asking normally as any wife has a right too (in my opinion!) (This is the background knowledge that I provided...I'm wondering if there are some childhood psychological issues that is further damaging our marriage)
I do the bills, cooking, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, appointments, etc. He has it made very easy. His job is an easy one to come home and watch tv. I come home to work more until midnight. 
When I took on this new position, we discussed it as a family because it would mean that I would be able to grow professionally as well as provide financially for our family; however it would mean many many hours of work and nights of working at home. Before I accepted the position, my husband was in agreement to assisting the children with their homework and dinners, etc while I worked. However; this has all changed. He has become very passive aggressive in saying comments about me to the children while I am working and he is having to assist them. He says them out of anger and rage while he is yelling out of frustration. It not only makes me feel guilty for not helping them out, but it makes me feel trapped because I have no choice...I have work to get done as to provide for my family financially. (This was the deal!)

I find myself thinking about leaving him on occasions and wondering if I am better off without him. Maybe he will wake up to see how selfish he is being. I'm finding myself starting to slip into a depression from all of this (his anger, passive aggressive comments that I hear not directly to me but to my children or simply to the wall!) I can do no right any longer. I find myself stuck because I have three beautiful children that I don't want to hurt. I come from a divorced family and that was absolutely rough. 

Advice please...(keep it realistic and positive)

Thanks!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Sounds to me like your doing it all anyway. My stbxh is a PA and wouldn't embrace it or get help...unless they do and understand how they impact the relationship/marriage things will always be the same. 

I don't know your hubby...have you suggested to him any counseling? Does he know he's a PA? Do you think a separation might snap him out of his selfishness and get help? It's been known to happen. If he did chose to get help would you be willing to still try and save your family? Do you still love him? 

I'm sorry your going through this...again I know the verbal abuse and emotional abuse your enduring...and the walking on eggshells even over things a husband should be doing...like fixing stuff...my stbxh was the same way....several unfinished projects and I would get yelled at when I would suggest he finish them...messes everywhere...

I called the plumber to fix the toilet...it leaked for 7 months...I had had enough. I also called appliance guy to fix the fridge...my stbxh couldn't say a dam thing about it. I gave him a timeline...if you don't fix it by such and tho I'm calling someone who will...and I did. I did time it when stbxh wasn't around...but got 'er done and I felt pretty good about it.


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## mommato3 (Feb 21, 2013)

Thanks!
I actually have suggested numerous times about going to counseling. We went once before years ago when he had his substance abuse problem, but he only told the counselor what they wanted to hear. It was pointless. But, I really think we need to go again. 
Do I love him? I think that I do love him, however at times I find myself truly disgusted with him. I find myself fantasizing about not being with him and planning what my life would be like without him. He truly would realize what it would be like without me (he would run to his mommy and daddy to take care of him...and they would; I'm being absolutely honest too)


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

mommato3 said:


> Thanks!
> I actually have suggested numerous times about going to counseling. We went once before years ago when he had his substance abuse problem, but he only told the counselor what they wanted to hear. It was pointless. But, I really think we need to go again.
> Do I love him? I think that I do love him, however at times I find myself truly disgusted with him. I find myself fantasizing about not being with him and planning what my life would be like without him. He truly would realize what it would be like without me (he would run to his mommy and daddy to take care of him...and they would; I'm being absolutely honest too)


Girl...go read my thread in the separated going thru divorce forum...lol...

Exactly where my ex is. His parents....he ran away from home ALL the time to them...he's their one and only....they created a monster. My stbxh never stood a chance of becoming his own man...it's ridiculous. I understand...I sure do. Yup.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like your resentment level has reached maximum saturation, and I am truely sorry for your pain. My STBXH has recurrent major depression/anxiety, and at its worst, the least little thing would set him off. If a car approached an intersection he would start screaming that they wanted to hit him. Looking back it was ridiculous, but living through it was just horrible. The kids and I were doing the eggshell walk. I dragged him to MC, and insisted he get meds and counseling or I would not coninue the marriage. I'll give him credit for staying with his counselor. He refused to continue with MC because he didn't need someone else telling him how to speak to me (yes he did). But then, right before we separated due to him multiple EA/PA, he admitted he wasn't telling the counselor what was going on because he didn't want the counselor to think he was a loser. To this day nothing is his fault. No the infidelity, his unemployment, his lack of a relationship with our kids. nothing. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is that living with someone who has emotional issues is draining, and unless you can believe that he is making an effort, I don't see how your resentment will end. I guarantee that the resentment-left unhelped-will end your relationship.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mommato3 said:


> I need to be very cautious in how I approach him ...because it is truly like walking on eggshells!


Mom, you may want to take a look at _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ It is the #1 best selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused spouses.


> I'm wondering if there are some childhood psychological issues that is further damaging our marriage.


If so, the psychological issues are not apparent in your two posts because they briefly describe only his laziness and occasional bad temper. It nonetheless may be worth your time to take a look at my description of typical BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. 

Importantly, I have no idea whether BPD traits apply in your situation. I am simply saying it may be worth your while to take a quick look at them. My post is located in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you, Mom.


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