# Unhappy & Unsure



## dstar (Dec 10, 2011)

Here's a little background information:

I met my H at work when I was 18. He was 24, with a child, and going through a divorce. We started dating and we moved in together not long afterward. He started to become very self conscious and controlling. He didn't want me to hang out with my friends or even go to family events. He worked 50 hours a week or more and usually wasn't off of work to go to any family events, but he still didn't want me to go because "it wasn't fair". Even back with, I wasn't too happy. But, I got pregnant at 19 and decided it would be better to be married. I think back now and even wedding planning wasn't fun and exciting like it should be. 

Our daughter is 4 now and much has changed. He has changed so much. He isn't controlling and is great with our daughter. However, I am unhappy. For the most part, it feels like we are roomates. He still works a lot and when we are home together, we do our separate things. For the past 3 years I have contemplated divorce and what life would be like. I have brought it up to him a couple times in the past and he always has a break down and cries and begs me not to leave. He is scared of losing time with our daughter like he has with his son from a previous marriage. And I feel bad because without my financial contribution, he really doesn't have enough money to be on his own. So, I always back down, say I'll just make it work because it's the easiest thing to do. I even convince myself for a few months at a time that I'm okay, but I always have this lingering feeling that I don't want to be with him for the rest of my life.

But, I'm back at this same place, and this time it feels even more urgent to be happy. He knows the routine, because every few months I am back into a distant mood. I get angry more often, I'm not affectionate towards him and bring him down at times. I know I am like this. Little things he does just drives me crazy. I don't want to be hurtful but in a way I feel like by acting this way, he will not want to be with me either. And I avoid being affectionate because I don't want to give him false hope. 

I haven't brought up divorce this time, and haven't in about year. I just don't want to hurt him and I end up always backing down. I know he thinks I am having those feelings again, but I think he just thinks it will pass over. He wants it to work so much. It's such a scary concept to be alone and to hurt him in that way.

I hope someone can offer some advice...


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