# Feeling lost



## justjojo (Jul 30, 2008)

Hi I am new here, and looking for advice. I will apologize in advance for my war & peace length post. Let me start by saying I know my situation isn't bad compared to others, it just feels bad right now.
I am so unhappy with my life right now, and so much of that unhappiness centers on my husband. I feel like he is a dead beat almost.
We never have any money, and what money we do have he is irresponsible with. He skips work if he can. We are hugely in debt and it keeps getting worse.
He doesn't help around the house at all. I understand he is the provider and Im the stay at home mom, but I feel like I deserve a day off from my work every once in awhile too.
I feel like the nanny, not the wife. He loves our daughter with all his heart and energy and it doesnt feel like there is much left for me. I absolutely would not change how much he loves our daughter, I only want to feel as valued and loved. I have to remind him to hug and kiss me. He doesnt keep his promises to me or go out of his way to make me feel like I am special to him. 
He's had a drinking problem that has been 90% of our trouble, but he's recently quit for health reasons. I HATE drinking, admittedly unreasonably at times, but it has felt for the last 4 years like he loved drinking more than me, because he didnt care if it upset me. Of course now that he is quitting, hopefully all that goes away and yet there is years of resentment in me for it. If he takes it up again I just don't know what I will do. He admitted he was just waiting for an all clear from his doctor. He says that if I can't accept him having a vice, then we should divorce. I worked on accepting it. Couldnt he work on compromising?
I am 27 and don't have a degree yet because I need to move to go to school. I have no work experience other than retail and food service because we live in a small town with no good jobs. We've had at least 3 or 4 opportunities money-wise to move for me to finish school, but he is never ready. Instead we spend the money on something else unnecessary. He has no high school diploma and won't get his GED so his jobs dont pay well enough for us to save, especially with his spending habits.
He doesn't cheat on me, he doesnt abuse us. Those are the only 2 reasons I believe in divorce for myself personally. He doesn't gamble, or flirt with other women. He quit drinking last week. My problems feel so inane compared to those. But I am so unhappy I don't know what to do. Is it possible Im getting bi-polar or something? One minute I'm unhappy because of him and the next I feel like everything is my fault, that he's really blameless and I am just that much of a mess, and forcing myself to be unhappy.
Im doing counseling alone because he doesn't think "we" need it. I am putting my daughter in day care and going back to work to help with the money situation. Hopefully money will resolve the school situation.
But what can I do to make myself happy in my marriage?? I know all of these things probably seem so material, but they are just pieces of my larger unhappiness. I will never cheat on my husband, and I will not give up fighting for our marriage as long as I can. I'm just wondering at what point I should start over and try to find happiness. I don't know if it's my personality or what, because I'm not much to look at, but I have a guy interested in me atm, and I can't help wondering if I'm giving up happiness for duty, obligation, or security. I do not reciprocate his feelings but it does make me wonder about the long run.
I intend to go over previous topics and soak up all the good advice I can find. I've just been so depressed today that I'm hoping someone can give me some hope or advice or a plan to go forward, or even a knock up side the head telling me Im being ridiculous.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i dont think you are being ridiculous. my sister was in a relationship that sounds very similar to yours. her husband was an alcoholic. of course they had huge money problems because of it and she was trapped. she tried and tried to get him help and became so involved in trying to make the relationship work that she started falling apart too. 

i think you did a great thing by getting a job. maybe if you dont feel so trapped by him you will be able to see things more clearly. i would really consider getting separate bank accounts. of course that might not go over very well. but if he cant be responsible with the money that's what needs to happen so you can feel some security and independence from his chaos. 

Going to counseling is great too. hopefully you'll find a lot of answers there.

i dont think your bi-polar. alcoholics are manipulators. my sister went loony-toons when she was with hers. everything was one big mind game. she questioned everything she felt and then she'd just explode sometimes. alcoholics are very good at telling half-truths. what they tell you isnt exactly a lie, and it isnt exactly the truth. If there are any al-anon meetings around where you live i would suggest you go to some meetings. Alanon Web Site if you cant go to meetings they have some great reading material.

as far as happiness goes, that's a hard one. I think everyone asks themselves that question during marriage. I know i have. give yourself time to figure out if you want to stay in your marriage or not. dont try and rush a solution. It took you awhile to get to this point and it will take awhile for you to get out of it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I put the wrong link for the alanon website. here's the right one: Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

:iagree:

Very good advice indeed. I will reiterate, this is not your fault!!!


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## justjojo (Jul 30, 2008)

I feel like I am definitely falling apart. Who I am now in no way resembles who I thought Id be at this age. I really don't like myself. Whether or not that is due to my marital problems, it sure doesn't help. Thank you for linking the Al-Anon site. I went on there to research meetings. Unfortunately there aren't any I can get too, but they had lots of information on the site and even an excerpt from one of their books. I cried the whole time I read it because I felt like they were talking about me and to me. What stuck out most is that I can't change the situation, only how I feel about it. So I'm going to work on that first.
Thanks for replying.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my sister fell apart too. big time. lost a couple cars, all her money, he destroyed her credit, she was always chasing after him. she was doing nothing to improve her own life because she was afraid if she took the focus off of him she would lose him. but she's much better now. she's back in school and studying to be a paralegal, has since restored her credit.

im glad some of the material helped you. i have a few of their books and read them everyday. I cried too when i first read it. Mostly because i knew what i wanted i couldnt have. i knew i was going to have to 'detach with love' and that meant feeling very lonely. at least that's what it meant to me. my husband is a sex addict.

I dont want to overwhelm you with information but these are a couple of other sites that have helped me a lot. Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html if you scroll pretty far down you'll see an exercise that helps you identify who belongs in which of your intimate circles. i realized after doing this that i was trying to treat my husband like an intimate friend when he wasnt acting like one. i have since started treating him according to which circle he falls under.

Its very painful at first but it does get better.


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

jojo I agree with seng "Its very painful at first but it does get better" and it does. I am fairly new to this forum and when I joined it was at a very bad time for me personally. I looked around the forum and read many threads before I shared some of my problems with this forum. I feel better now but could use a little more time to heal to the point that I can say I feel really great. This anxiety and depression will not let go of me but I have been to alot of therapy 1 on 1 and groups too thru medical ins and it has helped me. Also some replies from different forum members also helped me when I felt really bad and while I was seeking advise. Now I read some threads and see myself when I first shared so I tell you again...you will get better takes time and some work on your part. I hope this helped even a smidgen.
Manny


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