# Totally confused



## Jhstout (Feb 23, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. On our 10th anniversary I found out he was having an affair and he moved out. After a few months we decided to work it out and he came home. Unfortunately, instead of working on it he decided that it would just be best to forget it and move on. I begged him to go to councilling. I had so many question which he wouldn’t answer and he insisted we could fix it ourselves. As time went on, I got sadder and angrier. He acknowledged that I was hurt and he would just wait me out until I wasn’t mad anymore. I just didn’t know what to do. I’m ashamed to admit it but I threw the affair up in his face all the time, I talked about divorce a lot; I said horrible unkind things. Our marriage was hard for a long time. Finally after I managed to work out my feelings about the affair on my own. I was so excited to tell him but as I’m telling him he turns and says it’s too late. Our relationship is over; he’d known for a couple of months and just hadn’t gotten around to telling me. Honestly, I don’t blame him, I was horrible and now I’m telling him I want to work it out after years of telling him we should get a divorce. I get were he’s at and I don’t blame him. 
Now here is where I’m so confused. I asked him to go to therapy. I figured even if we couldn’t fix us we could figure a way to make it work for our kids. He agreed and even asked if I could help him find a therapist of him own (which I did). But he’s all over the map about what’s going on with us as a couple. He says we are over but he constantly makes references to thing we are going to do in the future; fix the roof (5 years down the road), planning for retirement, etc. When I asked him why he keeps talking about future plans when it’s over he says he doesn’t want to get divorced. He’s says that we’ve lived like roommates for the last few years so we might as well just keep on with that; he “doesn’t need a piece of paper to tell him it’s over”. When I told I did think that was a viable option for me he accused me of scorching earth. And now, for the first time in years he wants to do stuff with me. He’s asked if I would like him to teach me how to knit, just walked up and asked if I would play a video game with him and asks me to watch tv with him. 
I just don’t understand what’s happening. Is he confused about what he wants? Is he just messing with me? I just need someone else’s perspective. Please help


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You should not allow him to dictate what is going on.

You own you.

You allowed him to dictate the terms of reconciliation. I can tell you my own reconciliation with my wife, who had a one day stand with a guy she did not even like, was on my terms and my terms only, and it was horrible for my wife. She did what I told her she had to do... except counseling. And she never told me the truth.

But those are our own private devils.

You handled his affair completely wrong. The past is the past. You were much too lenient in the way you handled the reconciliation. It is amazing you ever got over it. 

You acted just as you should have, must have, had to.

You were right to be horribly hurt and to attempt to hurt him in return. He was wrong to refuse to work it out correctly with you. He refused to do what was right to fix your marriage.

This is the result.

It is all on him.


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