# she says she is filing for divorce, but I dont know



## rotag0108 (Oct 19, 2014)

After 15 years of marriage and two children, I am placed in an unfamiliar position of being faced with the distinct possibility of divorce. We have been separated for about 2 months, with the initial declaration by her was for me to receive professional help for PTSD and dealing with numerous surgeries. the initial time frame for the separation was 6 months - her decision. After three weeks, she states that she has divorce papers, and that she is filing for divorce. I agree with her decision, although I desperately do not desire a divorce. She has not apparently filed for divorce, nor has an attorney been hired to the best of my knowledge - which means nothing, she could have done those very things. No papers have been filed with the Alachua County Court House, and up to today, and I have and deep rooted hope of reconciliation. She has continued to wear her wedding rings, and has become a person she is comfortable with absent of my presence in her life. Today at church, which is where I bring the children after our weekends together, she appeared in a completely different state. New hair style, no rings, and she appeared as if she had been crying. She mentioned that she spent the evening at her girlfriends house - coworker at local elementary school. Granted she could of had an evening of girl stuff - hair and nails - all the while simply enjoying another evening (weekend) without the children and me - or other scenarios could play out... regardless of events individual(s) that were with her, she appeared completely different. Up to today, I have had the hope of reconciliation because there has not been any divorce papers provided to me, or submitted to the county. In the absence of paperwork, I rationalized the possibility that she needed time away from me - a vet with PTSD and surgical issues that isolated himself when things became emotionally and physically difficult. I also rationalized that she may not have wanted a divorce because she still wants her family intact, but she simply needs time to herself. 
I am actively seeking counseling for PTSD and other issues that she sees a need for, I am continuing to write her a letter once a week or so, to intimate to her my thoughts and challenges that I have discovered through counseling. I am taking the advice of friends and professionals and this personal road of self discovery is humbling. Yet, it does not appear to be what she would deem necessary. Over the years, honest communication is absent, so insight into desires and thoughts are purely speculative. 
I have forgiven her for past emotional attachments to other men, and any the possibility of any current relationships with anyone is between her and God. I have forgiven her, I have learned to forgive myself... but I am tired, but I have learned to just let go of everything that I held onto that fueled a growing discontent and lack of trust. I have learned to let go of those negative feelings. I am tired of hoping for reconciliation, hoping for any display of forgiveness and understanding the necessity of communication. I simply want to give up everything... everything. But I still love her, not just because of the children, but because of who she is. I will not file for divorce because I do not desire to be divorced. I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes to right the wrongs. But I am tired.
I know that I have babbled, but if there is someone who can provide insight I would greatly appreciate it. I am not too proud to hear the truth, and I am not to proud to do what is necessary for the sake of my family. If my family simply does not exist anymore, than so be it. I will learn to accept it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like she has /had other men in her life and with that said its hard to compete with new love.
As hard as you try to rebuild the family unit you can not do it alone and as long as there is another man in her life I feel all the letters in the world won't help.

I'm guessing that if the current boyfriend doesn't work out she will still have you to fall back on...hence the reason not to file.

Another thing that I see is the fact you have never once made her think twice in what she is about to lose. Why should she ever second guess her choices when she knows you will always be there when she is done with her new boy friend.

Why would she need to tell you were she was? after you guys are seperarated....did she just offer the information about her were abouts out of the blue? I'm thinking what you witnessed was tears of guilt knowing she is behaving in a way that will not keep her family together.

Sure you have forgiven her, but has she forgiven her self for all the betrayal? It is common for a wayward spouse to feel unworthy to repair the marriage they tore apart. You can repair your self but you have no control in how or if she repairs her self.

I strongly suggest you stop with the letter writing and emotionally detach from your wife....just maybe...letting her go, completely letting her go just might save the marriage. They say people want what they can't have, maybe its time to show her through your actions that you are in fact letting her go by filing for divorce....you can always withdraw the filing if she turns a corner to keep her family intact.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Please edit your initial post and insert paragraphs. You'll get more readers, more advice.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

First of all, thank you for your service to our country. I hope you are getting the proper services that you desrerve for your sacrifice.

Please turn your letters to her into a journal for yourself. For whatever reason, there is more power in making the changes you mentioned and having the WAS see them rather than be informed of them. Don't know why but I do know it is true.

Look, you have to continue your personal journey of reflection and forgiveness and look at your future for you with or without your spouse.

I really feel like you will have your chance at R but you have to work on yourself.

I cannot stress enough that the terms of your separation need to be crystal clear

Dating yes or no
Finances
Child visitation

You already know you have the discipline to do what it takes.

Stay strong,
Stretch


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If children are not disciplined, will they run ramped?

there were consequences for every action. Same goes for adulthood.

As you indicated there were other men in her past, were they EA or PA?

Call her out on her actions, get to 50k feet and observe her reaction.

Investigate if there is someone else. Observe her toxic friends.

If there is someone else.... 

The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Drama Triangle

there is a "Let her Go" thread somewhere...

will try and retrieve it unless someone else does first


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

rotag0108 said:


> After 15 years of marriage and two children, I am placed in an unfamiliar position of being faced with the distinct possibility of divorce. We have been separated for about 2 months, with the initial declaration by her was for me to receive professional help for PTSD and dealing with numerous surgeries. the initial time frame for the separation was 6 months - her decision. After three weeks, she states that she has divorce papers, and that she is filing for divorce. I agree with her decision, although I desperately do not desire a divorce. She has not apparently filed for divorce, nor has an attorney been hired to the best of my knowledge - which means nothing, she could have done those very things. No papers have been filed with the Alachua County Court House, and up to today, and I have and deep rooted hope of reconciliation. She has continued to wear her wedding rings, and has become a person she is comfortable with absent of my presence in her life. Today at church, which is where I bring the children after our weekends together, she appeared in a completely different state. New hair style, no rings, and she appeared as if she had been crying. She mentioned that she spent the evening at her girlfriends house - coworker at local elementary school. Granted she could of had an evening of girl stuff - hair and nails - all the while simply enjoying another evening (weekend) without the children and me - or other scenarios could play out... regardless of events individual(s) that were with her, she appeared completely different. Up to today, I have had the hope of reconciliation because there has not been any divorce papers provided to me, or submitted to the county. In the absence of paperwork, I rationalized the possibility that she needed time away from me - a vet with PTSD and surgical issues that isolated himself when things became emotionally and physically difficult. I also rationalized that she may not have wanted a divorce because she still wants her family intact, but she simply needs time to herself.
> I am actively seeking counseling for PTSD and other issues that she sees a need for, I am continuing to write her a letter once a week or so, to intimate to her my thoughts and challenges that I have discovered through counseling. I am taking the advice of friends and professionals and this personal road of self discovery is humbling. Yet, it does not appear to be what she would deem necessary. Over the years, honest communication is absent, so insight into desires and thoughts are purely speculative.
> I have forgiven her for past emotional attachments to other men, and any the possibility of any current relationships with anyone is between her and God. I have forgiven her, I have learned to forgive myself... but I am tired, but I have learned to just let go of everything that I held onto that fueled a growing discontent and lack of trust. I have learned to let go of those negative feelings. I am tired of hoping for reconciliation, hoping for any display of forgiveness and understanding the necessity of communication. I simply want to give up everything... everything. But I still love her, not just because of the children, but because of who she is. I will not file for divorce because I do not desire to be divorced. I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes to right the wrongs. But I am tired.
> I know that I have babbled, but if there is someone who can provide insight I would greatly appreciate it. I am not too proud to hear the truth, and I am not to proud to do what is necessary for the sake of my family. If my family simply does not exist anymore, than so be it. I will learn to accept it.


rotag0108, this isn't really insight, more of a list of changes I strongly urge you to make regarding your position in the marriage.

1) Stop waiting for your wife to file for divorce. Take charge of things, go on the offensive, seize the day, and file for divorce yourself.

2) Open your eyes. She changed her appearance and stopped wearing her rings because she likes some other guy better than she likes you. Take this as a really hateful insult from her to you, and become angry and upset about it.

3) Stop rationalizing that she may need time away from you because you are a flawed human being. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. Instead of rationalizing, ask yourself questions like, "What kind of woman would abandon a veteran who paid a price in trauma for his country so that the rest of us could enjoy our freedoms?"

4) You love her for who she is. She is a cheater. She is having sex with another man. That should not feel very good to contemplate. STOP LOVING HER FOR WHO SHE IS.

5) Stop writing her weekly letters. If you can't, then, yeah, like another poster suggested, turn them into a journal. Mail them to yourself. DO NOT GIVE THEM TO HER TO READ. Go dark. Stop talking to her. Stop writing to her. Stop communicating to her in any way, unless its about the kids. Every time you communicate with her, you give away your position. This is bad tactics.

6) Oh, wait. "Past emotional attachments to other men (plural)." Well, crap. Time to change directions.




New number 1) rotag0108, when you're in a hole, the first thing you have to do is realize you're in a hole. Then you can stop digging it deeper.

You have really low self esteem. For whatever reason(s), you don't think that you deserve to be treated humanely by the woman in your life.

I recommend that you avail yourself of whatever counseling benefits you can arrange, and start dealing with this. PTSD is bad, but this is separate and as long as you think so poorly of yourself, well, its going to cripple you everywhere else, too.

Once you can accurately evaluate your strengths versus your flaws, then you can take a good look at your one-sided marriage and decide if the person you exchanged vows with is actually worth having in your life.

If you can get there, I'm pretty sure that you will realize that you can do better than her.

Good luck.


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## rotag0108 (Oct 19, 2014)

thanks for all the great advice from everyone. I am left with unwavering understanding that even when confronted with the best of advice, the best of outcomes can still be distant. but again, I have to accept that the outcome that I desire may not be the best outcome. The irony is that through this process, the children have intimated that they desire to live with me. 

While this is best possible scenario when presented with a divorce, I cant help but wonder if this is going to change her (wife) mind in that she could potentially loose custody of both children, and if it does, do I accept that reality? I know that is speculative, but I have to consider the distinct possibility. If she gives in and does not fight for her children as I am doing, should I read anything into that? The thing that really is problematic is that to me, 15 years of marriage means something. The marriage vows mean something. I still love her. I still do.

Again, thanks for all the advice.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

had 15 years myself....DDay for me was two years ago. My story is still on here.

But mine was short, precise, no drama. You have to work on yourself

whether she stays or not. Practice the 180. No Contact. You can't force her to

do anything. Just in your mind....."let her go"

When she realizes you are re-capturing yourself....she will take notice.

There may be PDF files on-line for MMSLP and NMMNG

Keep us updated. We've all been there


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> had 15 years myself....DDay for me was two years ago. My story is still on here.
> 
> But mine was short, precise, no drama. You have to work on yourself
> 
> ...


Absolute GOLD!!!


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## rotag0108 (Oct 19, 2014)

stretch,
Thank you for the insight and advice. I have notified her that I will no longer be communicating with her. I have a hard time dealing with the reality that I am not as psychologically strong as I once was. Being Airborne Infantry, Ranger School, Gulf War and Panama Veteran, I never thought that I would not have the strength to do exactly what I put my mind to. Except this. Maybe the children have something to do with it, maybe my heart is too far, maybe I am the "dumpee" and that is what hurts. Regardless, I will continue counseling for PTSD and rehab 12 major surgeries to rebuild both legs. In that, maybe I can relocate the confidence that is currently absent.

I cannot state that I will have the strength to comply with you advice, all I can honestly say is that I will try beyond belief. If I fail, I fail trying. 

Thanks again, Stretch. Never though I would be here, but here is where I find myself. It is up to me to make the best of the cards that are being dealt. Your words have not fallen on deaf ears, maybe a deaf heart at times, but this to I will overcome. HooRah


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## c.heinrich (Oct 27, 2014)

rotag0108

having gone through a similar situation, I can honestly say that things may not be as they appear. You have fear and doubt, which is normal given the circumstance. You say that she has had past emotional attachments to other men, and that you forgive her for potential current attachments. Seems to be a pattern for her, but have you considered that possibility that nothing transpired between those individuals? They were simply a sounding board? 

I hope for the sake of your children that both you and your wife can exercise caution and restraint in the midst of the current situation. Alachua County is not that big, and it does encompass Micanopy. Both children have told you that they desire to live with you. I think that is wonderful for you, but it could present future difficulties for a little girl who may need her mother. 

As for infidelity, rumors are simply that. We tend to believe what we want to believe to validate our perspective. Please give credit to the strength of character of your wife. 15 years is not simply two ships passing in the night. Hopefully things will work out, but if not, be gentle with emotions.


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## rotag0108 (Oct 19, 2014)

TO C.Heinrich

2 Things: 1- I never said that I had a daughter. And 2 - You mentioned Micanopy and being in Alachua County. This tells me that you know more than letting on. I believe that my user name, while unique, is known to you and in Micanopy, which tells me that probably you know about this situation personally, but not from me because your name is not familiar, but you could be using a false name - but for what purpose? It doesn't really matter. It doesn't take away from my feelings of abandonment, hurt, and outright being lied to. 

Your post could be read in defense of the wife, which could be understood as having a bias in your rendering advice. Your post could also be seen as more than just providing insight as others have done (See Stretch, The Guy, Chuck 71, Not Like You)... it could be seen as commenting based on your relationship with my wife. That may be improbable; however, it would appear that information you presented in your post could only be known from the only two pieces of information that are specific in my post - that being rotag0108 (my user name which is known at the school where my wife works) and stating filing in Alachua County.

So, please refrain from commenting because there would appear to be knowledge that you have that has not been provided by me in the posts contained in this thread. You appear to be supportive of the situation in its entirety, but there would appear to be reluctance to accept the perspective that there could be infidelity on her part. I will not argue evidence in this post, rather the evidence will be presented and argued in the appropriate setting.

I appreciate your comment, but understand my hesitation to believe that your comments are coincidental. It appears calculated and supportive of a certain position rather than providing advice regardless of position irrespective of knowledge. Having personal knowledge on posts such as these could be seen as manipulative.

I hope not. If you continue to post comments, please do so. I am willing to learn from anyone who may have insight and information. But I am concerned about a hidden agenda, which I hope you understand. Who ever you are, however you came about this post, please let me know the next time we meet, whenever or wherever that may be on campus. Some might even see you as secretly being my wife, defending your position.

Nooooo.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you can have this moved to the private section if you want. just PM a moderator.

you can also have your user named changed.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

In this support site, an EA is the same as a PA, CHEATING.

Being the other man or other woman comes with a significant amount of guilt as my WAW found out. The rewriting of history that goes with it is fantasy at best.

Go private Rotag per Chuck's advice.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

here is the "let her go" thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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