# Atractiveness vs Hotness



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Maybe the wrong title but ill get to the point.....

I find as you get older and go through certain obstacles in life one of the most important lessons to learn is the difference between these two.

Hot girls are necessary attractive partners!!!!

This statement speaks volumes and yet I cant get myself to accept that someone may be a better fit for me even thought she isn't as "hot" as a previous partner.

I feel many of us gauge successful relationships on how 'hot' our partner is. Not necessary how is the best match.

I learned this fact through my previous R. I am currently expericing it during dating and still haven't graduated to this act. I can think it and notice it but cant act on it.

Until I can act on it, I will be stuck in this life of failed relationships. 

Its a childish way to approach an R yet I cant seem to stop.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Your looking through the eyes of lust -vs- the feeling of compatibility.. Finding both then it will perfect !!


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

My Dad told me when I was young the difference between "The fun kind" and "The marrying kind" of partners. I married the fun kind, and it is still fun 30 some odd years later!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Men are visual by nature. They seek partners based on appearance.

Women seek partners based on strength (physical and/or financially).

(Lame TAM caveat: Yes there are exceptions but in general this is true).


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

GreyEcho said:


> Your looking through the eyes of lust -vs- the feeling of compatibility.. Finding both then it will perfect !!


Its looking at it through the eyes of a 16yr old boy as apposed to a 39 yr old man


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Men are visual by nature. They seek partners based on appearance.
> 
> Women seek partners based on strength (physical and/or financially).
> 
> (Lame TAM caveat: Yes there are exceptions but in general this is true).


True. However its not that im saying other options aren't pretty women. They just aren't AS pretty as the wrong partners lol


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some women are hot, but I don't find them all attractive. To be attractive, they have to be accessible as well as hot - and that means approachable, with some warmth and kindness. The hot women with cold personalities are unattractive, at least to me. There is also a difference between stylish hot and cheap hot - the latter hold no appeal either.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

For me, it has to be a combination of physical and non physical attributes. I have seen many "hot" females at first glance, but the hotness wears off quick after talking to them. Likewise, there are females who are attractive at first glance, but after talking to them the "hotness" factor goes up.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

How does the saying go, show me the hottest woman on earth and I'll show you the guy who is tired of her **** lol


To me attraction goes beyond the physical, it's as equally about her personality. I will take attraction over hotness any day


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> How does the saying go, show me the hottest woman on earth and I'll show you the guy who is tired of her **** lol
> 
> 
> To me attraction goes beyond the physical, it's as equally about her personality. I will take attraction over hotness any day


I assume most healthy individuals will. 

For those 'damaged' (aka co-dependent) souls, its harder to see the forest through the trees....


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

unbe said:


> I assume most healthy individuals will.
> 
> For those 'damaged' (aka co-dependent) souls, its harder to see the forest through the trees....


You get burned enough times it becomes much clearer :laugh:


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Some women are hot, but I don't find them all attractive. To be attractive, they have to be accessible as well as hot - and that means approachable, with some warmth and kindness. The hot women with cold personalities are unattractive, at least to me. There is also a difference between stylish hot and cheap hot - the latter hold no appeal either.


I mostly agree with that. In my single days, the hottest ladies were cute, sweet women. I have always preferred short, slightly plump cuties to tall, flawless models.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

For me, a woman has to have a brain inside her head, whether or not that head is pretty or not. Many beautiful women don't.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

unbe said:


> Its looking at it through the eyes of a 16yr old boy as apposed to a 39 yr old man


The age is irrelevant. Sex is a powerful motivator for men. I think it also keeps many from dumping their adulterous wives.

HOW MANY men on this website alone got burned marrying a hot piece of ass they had ZERO in common with?

Most of them probably knew far more compatible women in their lives but had no attraction to them due to their appearance.

Hotness is one of the primary drivers of attraction for men. Yes, there are others but given the extremes most would choose hot.

Who here would pick the ugly girl with a personality over the model with an attitude? Let's be honest, probably not many.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> The age is irrelevant. Sex is a powerful motivator for men. I think it also keeps many from dumping their adulterous wives.
> 
> HOW MANY men on this website alone got burned marrying a hot piece of ass they had ZERO in common with?
> 
> ...


Dude your scaring me...this describes me to the T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your right push comes to shove we will pick hotness. It seems so wrong in the grand scheme of things


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

unbe said:


> Dude your scaring me...this describes me to the T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm simply describing men. That's why women are right when they say we are dumbest sex. 

We'd be far better off with ugly...


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm simply describing men. That's why women are right when they say we are dumbest sex.
> 
> We'd be far better off with ugly...


Shallow hal syndrome


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NF5XU-k2Vk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> HOW MANY men on this website alone got burned marrying a hot piece of ass they had ZERO in common with?


I married a hot piece of ass with 95% compatibility. But I did get rug burn a few times.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I married a hot piece of ass with 95% compatibility. But I did get rug burn a few times.


Compatibility is the shielding that will prevent a 1st degree burn from turning into a 3rd degree one.

I needed skin grafts after my divorce.....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me, its more complicated:

There is pure physical appearance - something you can judge from a photo.

There is how someone moves, acts, smiles. Something you can tell without knowing anythign about them.\\

There is surface personality - how fun, interesting someone is when you meet them. 

There are all the deeper things about someone's personality that you learn once you have known them a long time.

Then there is how compatible they are with you, what things you enjoy. This is important for most of life, and of course in bed.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

unbe said:


> Its looking at it through the eyes of a 16yr old boy as apposed to a 39 yr old man


As someone near the latter, I'm still looking through the eyes of the former. The attractiveness of compatibility won't matter if I'm not drawn to her physically first.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> As someone near the latter, I'm still looking through the eyes of the former. The attractiveness of compatibility won't matter if I'm not drawn to her physically first.


Jay don't you feel this is inhibiting behavior?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

unbe said:


> Jay don't you feel this is inhibiting behavior?


If she isn't hot enough for me to want to approach/ask out on a date, I don't see how I'd learn compatibility otherwise. Now, I will say what I consider hot is much broader than most of my male buddies.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> If she isn't hot enough for me to want to approach/ask out on a date, I don't see how I'd learn compatibility otherwise. Now, I will say what I consider hot is much broader than most of my male buddies.


mmm yea a month isn't that long. is it?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

unbe said:


> Jay don't you feel this is inhibiting behavior?





unbe said:


> mmm yea a month isn't that long. is it?


You weren't in a sexless marriage, were you? I was. Now that I"m single, I shouldn't, and won't, be in a position where that happens again (without good reason, like medical, for instance).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm a chick and I demand a hot dude....so is it really just a guy thing? And is it even that big of a deal? Who I consider hot isn't necessarily who other women consider hot. But MY evaluation of hot is non-negotiable.

Hot dude has to also be compatible, we have to have chemistry, he has to be a decent person. Can't "just" be hot. The whole package is necessary. But hottness is part of the bottom line requirements.

I ain't sorry.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I am very much into the attractive but not hot women. Hot is okay, but I tend to be more interested in women who have an "every day" attractiveness, and not some hottie of the day. In other words, I'm not into flashy.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Hot, as in, visually hot? What makes them so? 

I notice a few things that are hot to me - a woman who is well-toned, for instance. As a runner, when I go to meets, I see a lot of them. But to me, what I see is a well-toned hot body. If I go up and chat with her and I find she's a running addict and has nothing else in her life - sexual desire never has a chance to grow. Or if she seems the sort who "just does things" without considering the medium and long term ramifications of her choices. Or if she has strong political or religious beliefs that she somehow feels necessary to impress on others.

The women I've gotten into relationships with were never make-up wearing, name-brand clothing "hot", but they all took care of the body that mother nature gave them, showed respect to everybody and expected it in return, took responsibility for their actions...all of which made them not just pretty but "hot" to me.


As some on here have seen me write about, I produce local bands that play at clubs. At one of the clubs, there's a barmaid. I interact with her as I do any, but I'm not immunte to observing her appearance and just how much eyeball attention she gets from both genders. Her pronounced cheekbones and seemingly intelligent eyes and forehead and petite nose give her a face that you'd swear is Greek royalty. After that you notice her figure - nature has blessed her with abundance, but not too much, and on a petite frame. I've heard women say they'd die for that figure. If she wears makeup, she does it without any evidence. Her appearance wouldn't be enough to make me "get hot" for her, but I sure notice how much others swoon when they first see her. My interactions with her are simply as required to get the work done, interacting with serving staff, which she leads while at work, checking in to see if our volume levels are OK and a bit of good-natured ribbing when she has to "beat me over the head" to get me to turn a speaker so it isn't facing her, so she can still hear booze orders.

At the last gig, though, during tear-down, she seemed unusually chatty...something on her mind, I figured. So I asked if there was something on her mind. And out it came, she was moving 35 miles away so that her 9 year old could be closer to the soccer team kids associated with his school and the coordination was possible but stressful and she was trying to make sure the ex knew about the move because that's the one thing you can't do wrong and so on. I was surprised and said you have a nine year old? and she said yes, I'm 45, which also surprised me. The way she spoke of making sure she was doing this all correctly told me that she is a highly responsible individual, who has a deep understanding of the long-term effect her decisions have on her child and especially in regards to how she can be divorced and yet show respect for the ex in a way that the child understands that Mom doesn't hate Dad and...well, with this newfound depth in her, I am finding her hot.

But of course, I am married, so there is no path to be followed, I just now accept that she is truly a hot babe.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> Hot, as in, visually hot? What makes them so?
> 
> I notice a few things that are hot to me - a woman who is well-toned, for instance. As a runner, when I go to meets, I see a lot of them. But to me, what I see is a well-toned hot body. If I go up and chat with her and I find she's a running addict and has nothing else in her life - sexual desire never has a chance to grow. Or if she seems the sort who "just does things" without considering the medium and long term ramifications of her choices. Or if she has strong political or religious beliefs that she somehow feels necessary to impress on others.
> 
> ...


Down boy!


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