# Meathods to get the wife interested in Chat, or erotica, or porn



## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

My wife and I are in our forties. She loves sex and would do it whenever with me at the drop of a hat. She'd do it everyday even at our "advanced age". But, she is also very reserved and I'd like to expand her horizons a little bit.

I've suggested we watch soft porn movies before. She begs off. I've left her a soft porn "scene" or video on a dvd for her to watch in private. She dutifully does and then she masturbates and comes in less than a minute - so I know it turns her on. Over twenty years I've probably done this 2 or 3 times. But when I ask her about it in general terms she says she's not interested, and I infer from some things she says that she's afraid she WILL like it so she wants to avoid it. Likewise I've given her the occassional erotic story to read and while she laughs at the quality of the prose I know she's immediately masturbated after reading them. I've seen how she responds to these things and I know I like them so I thought it could be worked into our love life a little.

Also, since she is a sexual person I'd like her to be more willing to let her mind wander and get turned on by things other than just me. When I've been away we've done phone sex, and chat sex. But I'd like to get her interested in chatting with people other than me. I don't have any fantasy of her with another guy or anything like that (well, I've thought of that but that certainly isn't the motivation for this). I just want her to be able to explore her fantasies a little bit with the safety and anonimity that chatting can bring.

We have a great relationship and we talk openly about most everything. She very much wants to hear my fantasies, but when it comes to her she simply says she doesn't have any. I know this isn't true because the mind is a wonderful thing and I want her to have an outlet if she's too uncomfortable to talk to or act them out with me.

So.....what are some good ideas to innocently/accidently introduce her to chatting (if she advances to sound or webcams that's up to her)? I thought it might be good if she got involved in chatting first, and sexual chatting after but who knows? Anyone have any ideas how to serendipitously get her into this and also get her into erotic stories and videos more?

Any and all ideas would be welcome.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds as though you have a strong marriage so I don't understand why you'd want to bring others into your sex life? This usually creates more problems than it solves.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I agree with Swedish it sounds like you have allot to be thankful for. Count your blessings but, appreciate your desire to create an extra buzz. I think women have to understand that this is not some freakish thing that we as individuals desire but, as a whole incorporating erotica into our bedroom is something that many men would like. I read posts about how many women hate porn but, hate more that men hide it. Men would suggest it more but, usually are met with resistance, or are dismissed and made to feel like we are saying that our wives are "not enough" or made to feel guilty, so I think this is productive post. My guess is that women may not respond as they may not recognize how "cool" a wife would be in her husbands eye if she were able to honor this request. 

It is ironic that she enjoys erotica alone but, will not share the experience with you. I have read that studies have been done that reveal women get equally aroused by visual erotica as men. I would be interested to know how you "knew" your wife was arroused and masturbated to it. Was she open enough tho tell you but, not open enough to do it with you or did you figure it out on your own. that may shed some light on this.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I gotta say your pretty damn lucky that your wife is even interested at all in watching the porn movies by herself, that she cares about your fantasies, and that you have phone sex...heck, she even masterbaits to these things...wow, my wife has never masterbaited in her life, I wish she would at least try to explore her sexual side but nope, it's gross according to her..and she's only 25.


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## stillwed (Apr 8, 2010)

Well don't know what to say on this one, I love porn and get aroused watching it......My husband likes it too so we have fun with it.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

SOunds like it is a fantasy of yours for her to be in chat with other men, not her fantasy. Have you proposed this to her as such? Or, could you think of an alternative to this... pretend you are the other man and she is chatting with you (which is more ok with her), but you can create some screenname (that you tell her) and chat with her under this psuedoname? make it so that she really isnt going outside your marriage and yet has the elements of her doing that since that is your fantasy. Good luck and dont mess up a great thing you have!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I do agree with Toolate's post that clearly this is your idea and not hers, so you may want to approach it as such. But, TOTALLY understand you wanting to spice things up. People with less satisfying situations may not quite appreciate why you feel the need to make a good thing great but, I think that is what life is all about. I also think being a "pretend" other person may be easier to "sell" but, may be less exciting for you. 

Since I have no exposure to chatting I can only comment to sharing erotic material which I to have tried to do with my wife. Your situation is interesting. I recently discovered that my wife has been enjoying the use of a toy after having innocently denying it for a few months. She has been reluctant to use it with me so but, have not pushed it. My wife has also admitted to watching s/c porn/sexy movies, being arouse and masturbating afterword. She is kind of OK with me watching sexy shows or magazines for "masturbation fodder" but, sometimes she objects. But, like your wife seems reluctant to watch things with me. I bring this up not to hijack your thread put to point out that that your wife’s behavior seems to not so uncommon. We be onto something to give us greater understanding to the complicated workings of the female mind (which will help us to better understand them). 

I heard about a man who used a "massager" (the hitachi wand to be precice) and used it to provide a legit massage to his wife. When she was good and relaxed he "accidently" moved closer to the promised land. Eventually, he began direct contact until she was screaming like she had never done before. Because this other thing (ake the “massager”) had added such a new dimension, she became more willing to experiment for him. I think part of it was the realization that a plug in devise would never be a substitute for his "di#%" and the life support system that is attached to it (her husband). I am not sure if this would work in other situations but, may be worth a try. 

It has been said to “seek first to understand and then to be understood”. Perhaps if we understand WHY women feel apprehensive about the activities we are requesting. Once this is done we can either simply give up asking accept it for what it is and learn to appreciate what we have or figure out a way to see if their concerns are based upon inaccurate assumptions. 

I have heard other women (concerning porn) ask questions that are found on other similar threads which you can find by looking at “other similar threads” ..duh 

Some of them offer concerns that once exposed to (outside stimuli) Toys, Erotica, chatting will men/women become desensitized to the real thing. I think that men/women may feel that their power/value may be minimized since their partner can use outside stimuli as a substitute. Perhaps like you inferred that your wife may like it allot. In the case of my wife I suspect she may have discovered that her toy has taken her to places my mortal Di#$ or tongue cannot take her alone and may not me to want to know that. I would be curious to hear if others feel my categorizing the use of toys to be similar to the use of erotica in terms of potential objections. 

Hope my rambling ads value. 

PS. I think you may get more response if you had another thread that asks for people who object to “outside stimuli” to try and honestly get in touch with their real concerns about it. The average women (person) who object to erotica (like your wife) or they may overlook this thread.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

toolate said:


> SOunds like it is a fantasy of yours for her to be in chat with other men, not her fantasy. Have you proposed this to her as such? Or, could you think of an alternative to this... pretend you are the other man and she is chatting with you (which is more ok with her), but you can create some screenname (that you tell her) and chat with her under this psuedoname? make it so that she really isnt going outside your marriage and yet has the elements of her doing that since that is your fantasy. Good luck and dont mess up a great thing you have!


I think you're right that her chatting with someone else, etc. is more my fantasy than hers. But the nut of it - the reason its a fantasy of mine - is two fold and they are related. First, I would really like to learn more about her. As I said, she's been almost mum on HER fantasies. Second, with us now being in our forties I figure we're at that "you only live once" stage. I know how sensual she is, but I don't necessarily know how to have her get the most out of her sexual life. Since we can talk about anything from sex, masturbation, politics, religion, philosophy, etc. and grow closer I think (rightly or wrongly) that if I had a greater insight to her realm of fantasy then I could help her get the most out of life - and (I'm sure) have a ball helping her.

My thought was if she partakes in some flirtatous chat with some anonymous person then she might be more apt to let loose with what's in her mind. There's no embarrassment in talking with a screename. And if she loosens up this way (or by watching some erotic stuff) then maybe she loosens up with me as well.

I like your idea of me playing the other party, but I'm afraid since she'd know it was me she wouldn't "open up" anymore than if I played myself. 

I'd really like us to end up being the type of old farts that still mean the world to each other and are an extension of each other.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> I agree with Swedish it sounds like you have allot to be thankful for. Count your blessings but, appreciate your desire to create an extra buzz. I think women have to understand that this is not some freakish thing that we as individuals desire but, as a whole incorporating erotica into our bedroom is something that many men would like. I read posts about how many women hate porn but, hate more that men hide it. Men would suggest it more but, usually are met with resistance, or are dismissed and made to feel like we are saying that our wives are "not enough" or made to feel guilty, so I think this is productive post. My guess is that women may not respond as they may not recognize how "cool" a wife would be in her husbands eye if she were able to honor this request.
> 
> It is ironic that she enjoys erotica alone but, will not share the experience with you. I have read that studies have been done that reveal women get equally aroused by visual erotica as men. I would be interested to know how you "knew" your wife was arroused and masturbated to it. Was she open enough tho tell you but, not open enough to do it with you or did you figure it out on your own. that may shed some light on this.


In talking I asked her once how she liked the video I left her and she commented that didn't really like it but did get turned on and "came in under a minute". Go figure? With the stories I once walked in on her while reading and she was masturbating. I turned tail and left the room so as not to embarrass her. It's my extrapolation that she's done this the other times I've left her a story as well.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

swedish said:


> It sounds as though you have a strong marriage so I don't understand why you'd want to bring others into your sex life? This usually creates more problems than it solves.


point taken


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