# Thinking of Caling off wedding



## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

Hello everyone, I'm writing because I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!! To make a long story short, my fiance and I met two years ago, we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating. Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats. We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship and now I'm engaged own a house, house is all under my name, and she's living with me. 

Things have gradually gone downhill. We do not enjoy each others company, for the last month or two she gets home from work makes a mess in the kitchen then proceeds to lay down and watch tv until she falls asleep. All this would be fine if I got into the relationship knowing this, but she was somewhat clean, liked to work out and generally had a good attitude when we started dating. 

Both of us are new to the city we live in and have hardly and family or friends to turn to, which is why I think we have stayed together for as long as we have. I know I'm not the perfect fiance, but feel that I have tried to previde us with a nice house, and comfortable life, which she constantly throws in my face btw by saying she doesn't even want to live here and that I don't understand how much of a comittment she has made by putting her life dreams of traveling and working all around the world, in living in a city and house she like. I have called her lazy recently, but I'm completely fed up with her total disregard in trying to keep the house clean. It's almost like a f U to my face. Any advice would be appreciated!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Doesn't sound like any good reasons to get married. Sounds like you don't like each other much, and really don't want the same things in life. Do not marry someone unless you can only imagine loving and CHERISHING them F O R E V E R.

You may be doing her a favor by "setting her free". 

Pre-marital counseling. Make it mandatory.


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## vena17 (Feb 3, 2013)

Crying over senseless bs? As a man you should consider that women are emotional. Just because you don't agree does not mean you have the right to call it bs...whatever it was, it meant something to her. We just want to be heard and understood those times. Definitely not ridiculed. 
My guess is there is more to the story. Obviously. She most likely does not clean out of some kind of spite.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Your instincts are correct. At this stage in your relationship you should have butterflies when you hear the car pull up, your heart beat a little faster when she comes in the door and smiles at you. You should be over the top madly in love with each other. If she is throwing the "the life she has given up" in your face...let her go live it. She will never be happy if she is already behaving this way. 

Her behavior of making a mess in the kitchen, laying down to watch tv and falling asleep may be symptoms of depression. No longer working out, no outside interests. Maybe she is having a tough time adjusting, or maybe she's being an immature brat. Either way it may be time to set her free to live her dream life of travel and adventure.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

vena17 said:


> Crying over senseless bs? As a man you should consider that women are emotional. Just because you don't agree does not mean you have the right to call it bs...whatever it was, it meant something to her. We just want to be heard and understood those times. Definitely not ridiculed.
> My guess is there is more to the story. Obviously. She most likely does not clean out of some kind of spite.



I don't see where he is ridiculing her. He is obviously concerned about her over the top behavior and what it means to their future. Her behavior is not normal, she may be depressed, she may have BPD. 

Being heard is a far cry from manipulating your fiancee by throwing tantrums. 

Why would anyone want to be tied to someone that thinks you have stolen their dreams from them?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't do it. Seriously.


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## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

May I also add we have very little interests in common. ie, music, sports etc etc. We have also not had sex in three months. The divorce rate in my career field is through the roof, so it doesn't look to promising.


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## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

And yes Vena, it is in fact senseless bs. She was the only child and I believe her parents gave her whatever she wanted after crying. It's emotional manipulation and I give in almost every time. I'm really sick of it, she's almost 30 doing this, and it seems to be getting worse.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

ALWAYS trust your gut...


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

thedude8743 said:


> May I also add we have very little interests in common. ie, music, sports etc etc. We have also not had sex in three months. The divorce rate in my career field is through the roof, so it doesn't look to promising.


Okay, not much to build a life on here. Remind me, why you are together at all much less engaged.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree that you should call it off or at least postpone it. 

I think you've both contributed to what's going on. Your attitude that her tears = "emotional manipulation" and are for "ridiculous" reasons sounds like you've been insensitive and patronizing toward her. When I hear that you're both in a place where you know few people or the area well, this seems to be an especially cruel way to interact with her when she's emotional. You don't have to be manipulated, but you do need to be empathetic.

It sounds like she has depression. You might both find it helpful if she'll see a doc about it. 

Overall, though, I agree that you two do not sound very compatible. You both strike me as being supremely self-absorbed and not even close to being ready to treat your relationship as more important than "self" to a healthy degree.


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## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

Kathy, I couldn't disagree with you more. It's text book emotional manipulation, she crys and crys until she gets what she want's, and it works every time. I was duped the first few months but after learning her tactics and observing her flip a switch to balling her eyes out to smiling, I refuse to be empathetic. And as far as the solve all "it's depression" answer, I refuse to believe that either. Sometimes people are just innately LAZY plain and simple. Sorry for being blunt but that's just the fact of the matter. Why is it when I get off work I can manage to drag myself to the gym, clean the kitchen or do laundry, not all the time but AT LEAST some of the time. I just don't get it, I'm pretty fed up!! SOrry for the rant.


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## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

Also don't know how you made the distinciton that we are "self-absorbed" from less then four paragraphs.. We both have full time jobs, both work hard, have no kids but spoil the hell out of our dog. We live a pretty modest life for the most part. Don't know, maybe we are self absorbed, but who isn't a little bit?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

thedude8743 said:


> ....I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!!
> 
> ....we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating.
> 
> ...


 These are valid concerns, and if this is the way you feel then the mature, responsible thing to do do is end the relationship.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

thedude8743 said:


> Hello everyone, I'm writing because I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!! To make a long story short, my fiance and I met two years ago, we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating. Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats. We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship and now I'm engaged own a house, house is all under my name, and she's living with me.
> 
> Things have gradually gone downhill. We do not enjoy each others company, for the last month or two she gets home from work makes a mess in the kitchen then proceeds to lay down and watch tv until she falls asleep. All this would be fine if I got into the relationship knowing this, but she was somewhat clean, liked to work out and generally had a good attitude when we started dating.
> 
> Both of us are new to the city we live in and have hardly and family or friends to turn to, which is why I think we have stayed together for as long as we have. I know I'm not the perfect fiance, but feel that I have tried to previde us with a nice house, and comfortable life, which she constantly throws in my face btw by saying she doesn't even want to live here and that I don't understand how much of a comittment she has made by putting her life dreams of traveling and working all around the world, in living in a city and house she like. I have called her lazy recently, but I'm completely fed up with her total disregard in trying to keep the house clean. It's almost like a f U to my face. Any advice would be appreciated!!


She's not happy either.

No brainer here. Call off the wedding.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

thedude8743 said:


> Kathy, I couldn't disagree with you more. It's text book emotional manipulation, she crys and crys until she gets what she want's, and it works every time. I was duped the first few months but after learning her tactics and observing her flip a switch to balling her eyes out to smiling, I refuse to be empathetic. And as far as the solve all "it's depression" answer, I refuse to believe that either. Sometimes people are just innately LAZY plain and simple. Sorry for being blunt but that's just the fact of the matter. Why is it when I get off work I can manage to drag myself to the gym, clean the kitchen or do laundry, not all the time but AT LEAST some of the time. I just don't get it, I'm pretty fed up!! SOrry for the rant.


Yes, there are women like that, I know. And it sounds like she could be one. But what I got in your four paragraphs revealed what you've said here... that you're refusing to see anything to empathize with, and lack of empathy will never make you a good partner. Don't believe me? That's ok... it's your life.

I think you guys are a train wreck and that you need to leave. However, if you're considering staying, you need to realize you cannot change her, but by changing yourself, the relationship will change. If you believe it's all manipulation, I'd challenge you to consider that even manipulative people can feel depressed, and that the key for YOU is to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated, and to treat her in a way that doesn't justify her resorting to unfair tactics. By being empathetic, you don't have to cave to her demands. But if you're automatically going to assume the worst and never bother to actually pay attention to her needs or to figure out what they are, then she is going to feel desperate to get those needs met with manipulation or whatever other tactics she can find. 

Her being manipulative does NOT give you license to be an insensitive clod to her. If you cannot treat her with love and attention, tell her to pack her bags today and buy her a plane ticket home.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't do it!

You'll regret it later on!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I have to ask you a question: You are talking about her crying as emotional manipulation(which I agree), why did you let it work every time?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. I think EVERYONE here agrees...the wedding should be OFF.

2. You two need to split up....you're a bad match for each other. Do it NOW!

3. Protect yourself until she moves out (since it's YOUR house). Do NOT be like the guy on the boards who knew LAST YEAR that he should have pulled the plug on his marriage, but he kept putting it off because it was going to be painful and uncomfortable. Need I tell you he was back on the boards this past Autumn...still wants to leave, but WIFE IS NOW PREGNANT! She doesn't want an abortion, he doesn't want the child, he doesn't want to be married. NOW he's stuck with 18 years of child support and this woman will be in his life FOREVER (think, graduation, marriage, grandkids, etc.)

Break this off BEFORE it blows up in your face! This week, JUST DO IT!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think neither of you want to be the one to pull the plug and be the bad guy. Are you concerned about family and friends? Perhaps telling a few key people who you can trust will help you weather the coming storm. People hate to have a wedding pulled out from under them so there will be resistance. 

If you have key people who know what is going on, they can have your back and help you back out of this. 

Oh and you know you were unwise to get involved before you knew her. It usually takes 18 months to 2 yrs to know someone well. Now you know her and you are not compatable. What ever you do don't marry and have kids. You will be tied to her for years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Let me warn you. I got married because I figured that it would help fix our issues. It doesn't and never will. Get the issues addressed first, then get married. Trust me, see my other threads, I am a living and many other people on this site are also examples of why to not get married if you feel this way before.


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## thedude8743 (Feb 3, 2013)

THanks for the replies everyone!! She "snapped out" of her "funk" yesterday and insists she is going to be a better person. As much as I want to believe that I know it's just a matter of time before she turns into psycho mode. Let me also add that after getting off work I like to wind down and cruze the wed or watch tv. My jobs pretty stressful and taking a nap immediately after work is pretty hard for me to do. Anyways, I decide to take a nap around 1130am, this is about the time she wants to go to the dog park. Long story short I'm *****ed out for not napping right after getting home, we scream and yell at each other then she storms off honking the horn in front of the house. Storm, as for why I let her emotional manipulation work, I guess it's just hard for me to sit back and listen to her ball her eyes out. When we first started dating maybe I thought it would subside or was just a phase. Oh how wrong I was. Anyways if anyone has any other advice please reply. Once again thanks a lot!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thedude8743 said:


> She "snapped out" of her "funk" yesterday and insists she is going to be a better person. As much as I want to believe that I know it's just a matter of time before she turns into psycho mode.
> 
> Anyways if anyone has any other advice please reply. Once again thanks a lot!!


I don't know if anyone can really offer you more than what has already been offered. You don't like the way she behaves. And it's been going on for so long, it's gotten to the point that it sounds like you don't even like her.

In the way of advice, I would like to pose the question to you: What now? Are you dreading the crying jag you'll probably have to deal with if you break things off? Do you think if she cries, you'll cave again?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

thedude8743 said:


> THanks for the replies everyone!! She "snapped out" of her "funk" yesterday and insists she is going to be a better person. As much as I want to believe that I know it's just a matter of time before she turns into psycho mode. Let me also add that after getting off work I like to wind down and cruze the wed or watch tv. My jobs pretty stressful and taking a nap immediately after work is pretty hard for me to do. Anyways, I decide to take a nap around 1130am, this is about the time she wants to go to the dog park. Long story short I'm *****ed out for not napping right after getting home, we scream and yell at each other then she storms off honking the horn in front of the house. When did this happen, in the past? or after she "snapped out of her funk"?
> 
> Storm, as for why I let her emotional manipulation work, I guess it's just hard for me to sit back and listen to her ball her eyes out. When we first started dating maybe I thought it would subside or was just a phase. Oh how wrong I was. Anyways if anyone has any other advice please reply. I don't think you are going to get different advise unless you have additional information that changes the situation. So if not, it seems everyone agrees....RUN. Once again thanks a lot!!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Rights and wrongs aside... it's perfectly acceptable for a person to decide during an engagement that ' actually I don't want to marry this person and live with them until I die". 

There are many marriages that end up in divorce where folks saw these red flags and ignored them! You may just save you both extra pain, loss of $$$ and the break up of a family (once children enter the picture).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thedude8743 said:


> THanks for the replies everyone!! She "snapped out" of her "funk" yesterday and insists she is going to be a better person. As much as I want to believe that I know it's just a matter of time before she turns into psycho mode. Let me also add that after getting off work I like to wind down and cruze the wed or watch tv. My jobs pretty stressful and taking a nap immediately after work is pretty hard for me to do. Anyways, I decide to take a nap around 1130am, this is about the time she wants to go to the dog park. Long story short I'm *****ed out for not napping right after getting home, we scream and yell at each other then she storms off honking the horn in front of the house. Storm, as for why I let her emotional manipulation work, I guess it's just hard for me to sit back and listen to her ball her eyes out. When we first started dating maybe I thought it would subside or was just a phase. Oh how wrong I was. Anyways if anyone has any other advice please reply. Once again thanks a lot!!


Why did she suddenly say she was going to be a better person? Did you tell her you were thinking of stopping the wedding?

There is so much wrong in your relationship. Don't get married for both of your sakes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude. Call it off. This will be your life BUT WORSE once that ring is on her finger.

Maybe she's not happy either. Don't get married jsut because you think it's expected or you're "at that point" in your relationship. Sounds like a crappy relationship. but what do I know. lol.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

THE WHOLE POINT of an engagement (a la waiwera's post) is to DECIDE WHETHER a marriage SHOULD take place.

It shouldn't. 

End of story. End of engagement. End of problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats. We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship and now I'm engaged own a house, house is all under my name, and she's living with me.


OK, in order to be able to help, we could do with a little more information:-

Please describe the red flags you noticed.

And one person's senseless bs might be someone else's very serious issue. Please tell us some of what you considered as senseless bs that she was so upset by.

Please give some details of the emotional manipulation that you were subject to.

Were the temper tantrums in response to anything in particular or, as far as you could tell, just random events?

What kind of threats did she make?

This information will help me and others formulate a cogent set of answers for how you -and your fiancée- might be able to proceed to the benefit of both of you.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Call it off.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Getting out now will be hard and cause much pain...

...but what would trying to get out be like when you are legally married, own property together, joint bank accounts, have kids, etc.?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

She sounds like she has big issues to work on. But you know what, I'm going to ignore them..

Because it sounds like you do too. You lack empathy and understanding in my opinion. Maybe she isnt depressed, but let me just say depression is very real and very debilitating. If she is suffering from it she needs help not criticism. You seem very blase about her and yet sound pretty detached to me.. you like to surf the web and watch tv.. you don't enjoy each others company.. Please don't take this as an attack, I am just saying what I see from your posts.

Why on earth would two people that dont enjoy each others company live together let alone marry?

Thing is, only she can help herself and only you can help yourself. the very fact you even have to ask if you should cll it off means you should. This is a marriage that will lead to nothing but pain and divorce.

Now maybe you two could work out your own issues to the point it could work in the future and re look at marriage then but with the two people I picture form this thread. Inevitable disaster, plain and simple.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OP:

Your last post confused me. You asked if anyone else had ANY OTHER advice?!? 

What, like how to FIX THIS? Because you sure don't seem very interested in fixing it?

Like HOW to break it off?

Like how to just learn to accept it and keep moving forward?

What type of advice are you seeking SPECIFICALLY? Save one poster, I think EVERY SINGLE POSTER has told you to BAIL on this relationship.

So, let us know WHAT IT IS you're looking for us to help you with, please.


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

If you have these doubts at this point in the relationship, it makes no sense to go to the next level "marriage". See what help is available for you both to get your relationship back on the right track. If this doesn't work, it may be time for parting of the ways.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want 50 more years of this, then move ahead with your plan.

If you want this person to mother your children, then marry her.


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

There is almost NO way this ends well. Do yourself and this girl a huge favor and give her time and space to mature and find out what she really wants. Right now it's not a marriage with to you, from you description at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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