# Is it Beyond Salvage?



## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

This is my first time to write. I have never been to a professional counsellor either.

My wife and I were married in May 2005. We married just because she was pregnant and due to our strong catholic background, it was unacceptable for both of us to have a child out of marriage. We rushed and got married when we knew the pregnancy. We had very little if not at all preparation for the after marriage.

My wife's behaviour changed a lot after the marriage. She had a full time job, and I had a full time job too. I lived and worked 240 km away from where she used to work and say (her parent's house). After the marriage I asked her to move to where I was and she declined. I tried to get a house where she could stay and she preferred to stay with her parent's.

I was so angry at her decision but let her stay in her parent's house untill we could manage to get our own. She gave birth and continued to stay in her parent's house. After birth her parent's were not welcoming me in their house even to play with my doughter. Her mother was baby sitting the child when my wife goes to work. When the baby was 11 months of age, my wife moved out of the country without my knowledge. Her father told me that she had got a better paying job abroad and she had gone. She could not tell me as I might have blocked her from moving out (she went out claiming that she was a single mom).

My doughter and her grandmother get along very well. I couldn't take my doughter as I thought it would be better for her to stay with her grandma as they get along very well. She is now almost 4 years old.

My wife now is asking me we should divorce. And I really wanted to have a family with my doughter and my wife. On the other hand I feel that it has been too long for the too of us to be back together. 

We only stayed for 2 months together after our marriage. We had no sexual contact all these years. I am a sort of workwholic person. I have been too much focused on my career in the past 5 years. 

Money was not a problem in our relationship. Now I feel lonely and want to have a life partner. The one that is supposed to be my best friend tells me she loves me but on the other hand she tells me she wants a divorce. I asked her if she had a boy friend and she told me she is not seeing anyone. I am also not seing any one (since I married her). She told me to go abroad and we make a living together. I thought she was genuine and when I qiut my job and moved out, she was still in the same behaviour. She was not commited to her words.

I am confused. Should I accept the divorce? 

Why is she doing this? What do you advise me? I am 43 and she is 33. 

Ladies please give me your advice.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

From what you've written there doesnt seem to be anything to salvage. You say you got married because she was pregnant. I didnt see anywhere that you wrote you loved her, or she you. Im not really sure what your expectations were from a situation like that.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have to agree with Blanca. I see nothing about love, about friendship, about commitment. Just "she got pregnant, so we got married because we had to". Getting married just because the woman gets pregnant is not a good way to start a marriage...believe, me, I know. BTDT 

It sounds like you want a real marriage, one based on mutual love, respect, and common interests. And I think, with the way this marriage started out, finding that now with her is going to be difficult, if not impossible. Part of the problem will come from one or both of you always wondering if that's the only reason you're still together ("I know he/she says he/she loves me, but he/she only married me because I/she was pregnant, so is it real love or just trying to make the best of this?")

Part of the problem will also come from the way you two have lived, quite literally, separate lives. My boyfriend is an otr truck driver (in fact, he's leaving Sunday night to start his new job), but even though we spend much of our time physically apart, we strive to keep our emotional connection strong and to still be as involved as possible in each others daily lives. We talk on the phone pretty much daily, we email and text message each other. I keep him informed of what bills are due when and how much money we have in the bank, he tells me what loads he's hauling and where he's heading. When he's home, we spend time together, just us alone and with our kids. 

What you describe sounds nothing like that. It sounds like a divorced dad coming to see his kid. That's not a basis for a good marriage. Then, she moves out of the country, when the baby is 11 months old and you mention the child is now nearly 4. But I see no mention of how you called them regularly or saw them regularly over the last...what, 2.5-3 years? Perhaps you just left that info out, but if not, if you haven't called/seen them regularly, then what is the basis for this marriage you want? 

Honestly, I think it might be better for you two to end it and move on. It doesn't really sound like you two married for the right reasons, and it doesn't sound like you'd really be staying married for the right reasons either.


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## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

Blanka and atrackergirl: Thank you very much for your input. One part of me always says there is nothing to salvage but I really feel deeply sory for not being able to fix it. There was no major dispute between us. I was too much focused on my career and I feel guilty for not having been there for my family.

I actually never felt in love with her. I had wanted to end the relationship in 2004 but she persevered and pushed me to stay in the relationship. Later on, having seen her commitment, thought may be I will grow to love her as time passes by (I admit it was a wrong assumption). Many things made a u turn after the child's birth. Our contact was too short for me to fall in love. But she always says she did want to have a baby because she loved me. Now she says she still has feelings for me (on the phone). 

When she was pregnant I proposed an abortion (as I knew then we were not ready to get married); and she keeps on blaming me for proposing that in all our discussions. I know the birth of my baby was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Please shed some light into my confusion so that I have clear future.

She doesn't know this site (I assume). Do you advise me to invite her to this discussion? We are in two different countries and have regular e-mail contacts.

Thank you once again.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Dude this marriage was over before it begun. I am sorry if i sound harsh, but i'm a transplant from the Askmen.com boards, and on there pretty much everyone tells it like it is, because sometimes us men need to hear it the harsh way. As posted above, you guys got married for the wrong reason, and her family definately didn't help, but who knows what she told them. Methinks getting married was "kewl" for her to do at the time because of the pregnancy and faith committment. 

Once the reality stepped in, she realized this wasn't what she wanted either. ONly problem is, she didn't act like a responsible adult would handle it. Its a shame that you have to miss out great memories of your daughter because of this woman. When i think about the times i didn't use a condom... i shudder to think about being connected to some crazy broads of my past.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Divorce her and move on. The two of you don't know each other. 

My advice. Please do not make another decision based on "strong Catholic background" again.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

This is very sad. I feel for the child in all of this. I also suggest divorce, but keep that contact and in the divorce make it clear that you want to be part of your daughter's life. No exceptions here. You are to have access and she needs to know that her father adores her. A lot of kids are fine with divorce as long as both parents are available. I think that's what eating you up most...your responsibility as a dad, and the good news is you can still be a great dad after divorce, just keep the law on your side.


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## shanemia (Jul 5, 2012)

hi,i hope there still anyone out there whose in this website...i jaz really need someone to talk to as my marriage is going to end very soon and im feeling so sad abt it...


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## shanemia (Jul 5, 2012)

hi there


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

This is an old thread Shanemia, please start your own thread so that others can help you.


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