# Please help, any advise I would appreciate



## andrewh (Feb 17, 2019)

Hi, my name is Andrew and im 32 years old. I have a beautiful amazing wife of almost 7 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids together and she was a stay at home mom up until a month ago. My kids are almost 7 and 5. I was in a career that kept me working long hours and a great deal of stress. It was one of those salary paying jobs that work follows you home. On my vacations I was basically working from home. This job over the 8 year span got worse and worse and changed the way I was at home. I was angry, depressed, tired, and when I was home I didn't want to do anything. Long story short I didn't give my wife the attention she deserves. I was rude, I snapped at her for ridiculous things. She tried opening up to me a handful of times and I never wanted to take what she said as the truth on what she felt. The heartache I created for her I can only imagine. I truly love my wife, I adore he best traits and all her flaws, even though there isn't many. She is my light and reason for waking up each morning. 

I was recently let go from the job and in my opinion it was needed. The money isn't worth it. Problem is now that the stress and anger is gone I see everything that I have done. She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years. Not even taking the time to notice her feelings. I hope it is not too late. She looks at me different, is distant, doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I don't blame her...I have tried to be more lovey, want to hold hands, offer back rubs, listen to her and try to understand her feelings. Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

andrewh said:


> She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years.





> But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same.


If she was doing this sitting next to you, then she wanted you to see. (And if she didn't want you to know, she could easily have made up some story about who it was). She is giving you a warning, in a rather indirect, manipulative way. 

Don't dwell on the "other guy" situation. Don't talk about it or demand answers. Focus on making any changes in your own behaviour that you want to make, (and on finding another job). Change yourself in whatever way you think is right. That's my advice.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Oops, I see you have a duplicate thread - i will move my post to there


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are each responsible for your actions.

Nobody gets a free pass, this includes your wife.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

My best advice is to put on your bravest face and set out to make the changes you need to make. I don't think it's too late. You seem to have the self-awareness to recognize you weren't being a great partner. It seems like your wife is willing to give you another chance. Make the most of it. You have a plan - make sure you execute. That's such a huge thing and I've learned the hard way at times. It can be easy to see our faults. It can be easy to see what we need to do better. It can be hard to make the change a reality, but it can be done and in your case I think you really just need to go out and be the man you know you need to be. No excuses. No backtracking. Don't ruminate too much on the past. What's done is done. Be mindful of the past - but it's all about the future at this point. Stay positive, stay focused, and get it done! Good luck!!


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

This is sooo cliche for how many WW (wayward wife) affairs begin.

She’s blame shifting and rewriting marital history to create this image of you as the bad guy, and the OM (new good guy work buddy) as the friend that understands her. It makes it easier and justifies in her mind to allow her to transfer feelings from you to him.

Priority #1 for you is to find out as much as possible about OM. Determine if it’s gone physical YET and if it hasn’t, put a stop to it.

OM needs to be completely out of the picture, as in NO CONTACT forever. He is a direct threat to your future.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Make the changes in yourself that you need to , to be a better husband. 

You have every right to expect her to make changes for her to be a better wife.

You can't control her actions, you can control yours. Take this to heart 

If W actions show she isn't making changes, isn't interested at all in making changes, this alone will tell you where you stand.

Don't be her doormat. 

As you make changes to be your best self and see your own progress, that can be the rebuilding of your future, to take to your next relationship. 

Just remember - you can't control her. Observe and remember she did/didn't try to help rebuild your marriage. 

That may be the driver to give you enough closure to Dvif need be.

You can do it!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

andrewh said:


> Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


 This other man ("OM") and your wife text constantly, and he has told her that he has feelings for her which he clearly is seeking to develop; she appreciates his attention, and has told you that she can see herself having feeling for him. If you look up the meaning of the term emotional affair ("EA"), you will see that she is in an EA with this OM at the very least. Since a large percentage of EAs turn into physical affairs ("PA"), there is a good chance that this could go physical if it has not already. An EA is cheating even if it has not yet gone physical. 

You have zero chance of fixing your marriage as long as she is in an affair. Tell her that you are only willing to work on the marriage if she is too, and that to work on the marriage she must end her EA with the other man. This means full 100% no contact with the other man, and an agreement to 100% transparency between the two of you. Then ask her to give you her phone so that you can read the texts and see how serious her relationship with the other man is. If she refuses claiming a false right to privacy, tell her that there is no right to privacy between spouses when another man is involved. Also tell her that those with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and that not giving you her phone prior to her having a chance to delete texts, confirms that she definitely knows that she is cheating on you with her OM. At this point you must be willing to end your marriage in order to have a chance at having a marriage worth saving, and you should communicate this with her. You must mean it and be prepared for her give you the **** test over this, meaning she will call your bluff to see if you back down.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

andrewh said:


> ... noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


The reason why you can’t get this OM out of your head is because you shouldn’t get him out of your head. He is now in the way of you repairing your marriage and your wife is using him as a not so subtle threat against you.

My advice: Sit her down and in a very calm way explain that if you both want to repair your marriage, this OM is a roadblock. Explain how it makes you feel that she is emotionally involved with him, and that to make the marriage work she has to go complete No Contact with him. If she doesn’t see the wisdom in that, and continues contacting the other man, then you’re wasting your time. It will only be a matter of time before she sleeps with him.


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## Nicensafe (Feb 24, 2019)

I just posted a question about jealousy and this seems like the type of thread that fits with that.

After 20 years with my wife, I've discovered that not being a jealous partner completely negates any form of conflict in a situation like this. When my wife has had other men take notice of her, I've gotten to know them, befriend them invite them over, see how the interactions went and... take mental notes.

Is it one sided? Does he have something I don't? Is he a different "type" from me? How similar are we? Etc... every time this has come up in our relationship, it turns into a non-issue and has never led to cheating. I just consider them learning opportunities.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

After losing your job now is the WORST time EVER to try to get all cuddles and "please be supportive" of me to your wife. Now is the time to buckle down hardcore, tell your wife buckle down as well, cause it's time for a hard ride to you being financially secure again.

Doing anything that will make her feel more like mommy-wife than hot wifey love right now is only going to drive her away.

Yes this sucks. That in this dark time you don't have mommy-wife to hold your hand and tell you everything will be alright. Because she needs you to look her right in the eyes, tell her, 'babe, I get we got problems, but you know what? I got this' and then get the heck up and get this **** taken care of.

You can give her love when you are in a place to give her love. When you do this whole "oh now that I'm down I really want us to have a lovey dovey supportive baloney" utter bullsh*t she is going to think you are a manipulative LOSER who USED her when you were doing well, and now that you aren't doing well she is not going to want to suddenly change into lovey dovey mommy wife.


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