# Funny thing happened



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

A funny thing happened on the weekend. First off, I screwed up my back, and struggled to get around Saturday and much of Sunday. We had a gathering to go to Saturday evening, and we had a nice fight not long beforehand. Earlier, I'd asked H to please take a heavy box upstairs. He asked if it went in the closet, so he put it in our bedroom closet (where it had never been). I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question. Fast forward a bit, we had a bit of a blowout and I mentioned a few things including:

- no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way.
- Told him I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist
- If I can't even mention to him that a friggen box was put in the wrong place without a 20 minute argument, how can I talk to him about our sex life, having a family, without a huge blowout.
- We spend zero time together, and really don't know each other. When he checked his email from students last Saturday night after our first date night since August, it hurt. 

Apparently, I CAN talk to him, he says. I haven't figured out how yet, but let me tell you, did he ever take steps to change this weekend. We had a games night, just the 2 of us, and he even apologized for last Saturday night! He helped out a bit more around the house. I still don't know how to bring up the subjects we NEED to talk through though, but I still plan on seeing a therapist to figure that out.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Ursula said:


> - If I can't even mention to him that a friggen box was put in the wrong place without a 20 minute argument, how can I talk to him about our sex life, having a family, without a huge blowout.


But that's not what you did. You were vague about where it went ("closet", instead of "linen closet") and when he put it in the wrong closet, you were sarcastic and put the blame on him. A simple "sorry, honey. I meant the linen closet. thanks for your help." would have been good.

I would suggest that you pause before speaking. Maybe this is what a therapist will tell you but it will give you a second or two to think about (a) what you say and (b) how you say it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Absolutely; I was 100% at fault for that one, and really should've specified. I need to think before I speak, and always end up offending him with my choice of words or tone. I guess I just assumed that he knew which closet, as he's seen me with it many times before, and has even grabbed stuff out of that box from the linen closet before. But, one should never assume; lesson learned! 



Chris Taylor said:


> But that's not what you did. You were vague about where it went ("closet", instead of "linen closet") and when he put it in the wrong closet, you were sarcastic and put the blame on him. A simple "sorry, honey. I meant the linen closet. thanks for your help." would have been good.
> 
> I would suggest that you pause before speaking. Maybe this is what a therapist will tell you but it will give you a second or two to think about (a) what you say and (b) how you say it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question.


What you said was rude and condescending.

My guess is you talk this way all the time and have no clue about the effect it has on your husband or anyone else you speak to this way. 

You're welcome.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Some people get offended no matter what the hell you say to them. My XH was that way. Every damn thing that came out of my mouth offended him, he took EVERYTHING as a personal attack, no matter how benign and not related to him it was!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Ursula said:


> - no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way..


This one can be all about tone and emphasis on particular words.

"Have you ever SEEN that box in our CLOSET"? [the word "idiot" being left unsaid but implied by the tone]

Versus a gentle laugh without any emphasis on any particular word..

My guess is that you are basically calling him an idiot and you do this a lot without even realizing how hurtful it can be.

My girlfriend will "occasionally" say something to me along those lines and I'll fill in the word "idiot" to basically remind her shes being critical, insulting, and judgmental, and she'll smile and nod to say she gets it and sometimes I'll even get an "I'm sorry" because she realizes shes being out of line but I'm not really that sensitive it's more of a joke between us than anything else.

But some have thinner skin. So you gotta know your audience.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It was; I agree, and unfortunately, it popped out before I could stop it. I've been going through a lot in my head that I cannot talk to him about, and now I know that I'm the problem in the communication. My hurt will probably come off as rudeness without meaning to. So now I know that I need a therapist for me alone, and not to figure out what to do in my marriage.



browser said:


> What you said was rude and condescending.
> 
> My guess is you talk this way all the time and have no clue about the effect it has on your husband or anyone else you speak to this way.
> 
> You're welcome.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yup, to me, it wasn't said in a mean or condescending manner, but my husband is extremely sensitive, and I need to tread very carefully with word choice and my tone almost needs to be monotone and very quiet for him to be OK with it. Sometimes, my frustration about our lives takes over, and I forget to keep it all in check; this was one of those times, so I'll need to be careful in the future.



browser said:


> This one can be all about tone and emphasis on particular words.
> 
> "Have you ever SEEN that box in our CLOSET"? [the word "idiot" being left unsaid but implied by the tone]
> 
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question.
> ...
> - no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way.


If he didn't say anything, would you have realized what you said was rude? Even if you don't realize it was rude, it was. It sounds like you may say other things like that where you think you're being funny or sarcastic, but it's coming off as insulting.

Imagine if you asked where a screwdriver was and he answered, "In the same place it has been for the past 10 years. Don't you know where it is by now?" 

It could also be the case that he takes things very literally. Some people don't pick up on jokes or sarcasm very well. 

In any case, when you say something sharp like "Have you ever seen it in that closet?", you bear some responsibility for how it's received. If you know that he's sarcastic and plays along, then it's not a problem. But if the person often takes things the wrong way or in a way you don't intend, it's your responsibility to reduce those types of misunderstandings.

Do you know if he has any autistic or Aspberger tendencies? If so, people like that are very literal and may not understand the sarcasm at all.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

In all honesty, I'm the one who does the majority of home repairs, partly because it's my home (his name isn't on the deed, and he moved from his Mom's house into mine), and partly because I'm the one who makes time to do them. So, if anyone is going to know where a repair tool is, it would be me. If however he said something like that to me, yeah, I'd be a little offended. And yes I agree that that situation was my fault and my responsibility. I guess I've unfortunately started not accepting that responsibility anymore because he's pretty much told me that he won't change his communication ways so I can better understand him. I guess it's become: "he isn't so why should I?" thing. That will have to change! I know that he's very sensitive, so I need to talk more gently to him. I don't think he has any Asperger tendencies; he puns A LOT, and he finds those pretty hilarious. We have very different senses of humour!



wilson said:


> If he didn't say anything, would you have realized what you said was rude? Even if you don't realize it was rude, it was. It sounds like you may say other things like that where you think you're being funny or sarcastic, but it's coming off as insulting.
> 
> Imagine if you asked where a screwdriver was and he answered, "In the same place it has been for the past 10 years. Don't you know where it is by now?"
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Geez, 3X, I'm sorry that happened; it's not much fun to have to try to work through something like that!



3Xnocharm said:


> Some people get offended no matter what the hell you say to them. My XH was that way. Every damn thing that came out of my mouth offended him, he took EVERYTHING as a personal attack, no matter how benign and not related to him it was!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.


A person who acts like an idiot may not be doing it "on purpose", that may be all they can do, and when they're spoken to like they ARE an idiot, it's hurtful because they're doing the best they can and they are still criticized for it.

Sometimes people that aren't all that bright are very frustrated because they just don't seem to be able to get tasks done as efficiently as other people so they're already on edge to begin with.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.


Mr. Spock, that's circular reasoning. How very human of you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It's all good; it was my fault and stupidity. I know how he is, and know that we have really poor communication. I never should've talked to him that way, and my frustrations were showing through. Not an excuse, I know. He's not the idiot; I am, and this thread has shown me a lot, including how my communication inadequacies are a problem in the marriage, and to be honest, I'm feeling pretty damned lucky right now to have found someone to put up with me! 



NoChoice said:


> I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hahaha, browser, I got a bit of a chuckle out of that one! In this relationship, H is the one with the PhD and postdoc degrees; I have a tech institute certificate! He's the smartie; I'm the do-do bird :grin2:



browser said:


> Sometimes people that aren't all that bright are very frustrated because they just don't seem to be able to get tasks done as efficiently as other people so they're already on edge to begin with.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Don't confuse being book smart with having good common sense or even high intelligence. 

Oftentimes they are inversely proportional.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Very true; sometimes common sense is less common than one would think!



browser said:


> Don't confuse being book smart with having good common sense or even high intelligence.
> 
> Oftentimes they are inversely proportional.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I do not suggest sharing the contents of this thread the next time your husband has another one of those..um..moments.

I can see it now. "Honey the shoes are under the bed, just like they always are, is it that you are just book smart but with a lower than average IQ?"


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

:grin2:
Oh hell no! H doesn't know that I'm involved in an online community. Nor does he know my plans to go see a therapist. We have a very "don't ask don't tell" relationship, so all this is hush-hush. Nor would I be *quite* that blunt in my communication. I'm hurt beyond possible repair from all the miscommunication and keeping info from me pre-marriage, but that's just something I'll have to deal with without being mean to him. 




browser said:


> I do not suggest sharing the contents of this thread the next time your husband has another one of those..um..moments.
> 
> I can see it now. "Honey the shoes are under the bed, just like they always are, is it that you are just book smart but with a lower than average IQ?"


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Ursula said:


> :grin2:
> Oh hell no! H doesn't know that I'm involved in an online community. Nor does he know my plans to go see a therapist. We have a very "don't ask don't tell" relationship, so all this is hush-hush. Nor would I be *quite* that blunt in my communication. I'm hurt beyond possible repair from all the miscommunication and keeping info from me pre-marriage, but that's just something I'll have to deal with without being mean to him.


If your new therapist is worth the diploma on his or her wall, they'll help you deal with your rather dysfunctional "don't ask don't tell" relationship.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> NoChoice said:
> 
> 
> > I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.
> ...


I do not believe that you are correct. It is the quintessential "if" "then" logic statement. We can go through our lives having people make allowances for us or we can behave in a way that precludes them having to do so. Unless, of course, the argument is that he lacks sufficient intellect to choose in which case OP then acts more as parent than mate. She needed to give the child more specific instructions as to where the box should be stored since he could not ascertain that on his own.




browser said:


> NoChoice said:
> 
> 
> > I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.
> ...


I contend that they indeed do not act idiotic on purpose but rather because they haven't the mental aptitude to behave any differently. What would be the impetus to mimic idiotic behavior? And then to act offended when questioned? That is not rational. Therefore the OP will have to act more as parent than spouse and realize that she cannot expect reasonable behavior from her H.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

browser said:


> Don't confuse being book smart with having good common sense or even high intelligence.
> 
> Oftentimes they are inversely proportional.


QFT


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> In all honesty, I'm the one who does the majority of home repairs ...


Please accept my apology for saying you wouldn't know where the screwdriver is. I shouldn't have used an example which relied on false stereotypes. Women are often discouraged from pursuing engineering interests, and posts like mine are part of the problem. I'm glad you skipped over my ignorance and understood the point I was trying to make. 

As for your relationship, you sound like you're very self-aware and can understand his point of view as well. I'm sure you'll be able to work through this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I'm hurt beyond possible repair from all the miscommunication and *keeping info from me pre-marriage,* but that's just something I'll have to deal with without being mean to him.


This begs the question... what kinds of info did he keep from you pre-marriage? If you don't want to give specifics, perhaps you can give us a general idea.

It sounds like this may be driving a lot of your miscommunication as well as your insulting tone when speaking to him. Do you have resentment towards him?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Good for you for wanting to work on "your problem".... but he IS part of the problem. So you get started on you...and then drag him in. It cannot be all one sided, it's a MARITAL COMMUNICATION problem...and he is invested, or should be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I just read your thread "Confused". You've obviously got a lot more problems with him than this thread indicates.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I just read your thread "Confused". You've obviously got a lot more problems with him than this thread indicates.


Just read it too. And I agree, OP's problems run much deeper than tone of voice and simple miscommunication. I hope she sorts out a clear path forward with her new counselor.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

wilson said:


> Please accept my apology for saying you wouldn't know where the screwdriver is. I shouldn't have used an example which relied on false stereotypes. Women are often discouraged from pursuing engineering interests, and posts like mine are part of the problem. I'm glad you skipped over my ignorance and understood the point I was trying to make.
> 
> 
> 
> As for your relationship, you sound like you're very self-aware and can understand his point of view as well. I'm sure you'll be able to work through this.




It wasn't a stereotype. It was a statistical guess and accurate in most cases. A stereotype would imply OP doesn't know what a screwdriver is. 

And i know many engineers who i think don't know what a screwdriver is.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Oh lord.

You married a 43 old virgin who was living with his MOTHER when you met him, and *you're* the one who needs therapy?

I think you need to face the fact that he's completely emotionally and socially stunted. He's like a science experiment gone horribly wrong.

You allowed him to rush you into marriage only months after meeting him. I'm still shaking my head on that one. All you did was take over the 'mommy' role from his mother.

What was his hurry to suddenly get out and get married? Was his mother going to start charging him rent for still living in his boyhood room at the age of 43?

Do yourself a HUGE favor. Don't ever, ever, *EVER* put his name on the deed to your house.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wilson, there's no reason for you to apologize at all. Upon re-reading my reply to you, I'm the one who needs to apologize for my defensiveness. You don't know my H or I from a hole in the ground, and therefore have no idea who takes on which chores around the house, and I shouldn't have jumped on you like that. As for understanding where he's coming from, I can sometimes get it, but he isn't great at communicating either, and to be honest, I don't know yet if I want to work through it. Time will tell, although if I want a family, I'm running out of time at 38!



wilson said:


> Please accept my apology for saying you wouldn't know where the screwdriver is. I shouldn't have used an example which relied on false stereotypes. Women are often discouraged from pursuing engineering interests, and posts like mine are part of the problem. I'm glad you skipped over my ignorance and understood the point I was trying to make.
> 
> As for your relationship, you sound like you're very self-aware and can understand his point of view as well. I'm sure you'll be able to work through this.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey Clam, yes, I have a great deal of resentment towards him for a variety of reasons: 
(1) when he first moved into my home, he helped with nothing. I did all the cleaning, cooking and yardwork because his Mom did all that prior to me when he lived with her. I talked to him about it many times, and it would help for a short while, but would go back to him doing nothing. I finally got fed up and said that if he didn't want to help, he was welcome to find another place to live. He's now much better at helping a lot of the time.

(2) When we were dating for that very short amount of time, I had let him know early on what I wanted out of the future with someone, and he readily agreed. I wanted to adopt a child or 2, and he was 100% on board throughout dating and engagement. About 5 months after marriage is when he told me that he'd rather have our own children. I was blindsided to say the least! At that point, I was still set on adoption, but now I would love to have children with the right man, he's just not the right man to do that with because (a) a huge amount of serious mental health issues in his family; and (b) he's told me that he won't help with a baby unless he has nothing else going on, which he later recounted, but his current performance tells me to not believe him. If we can only make time for one another every few months, how is he going to slot a baby's schedule in there? And, we haven't talked about this for about 2 years, as I don't know how to bring it up. And now my dilemma is this: I'm 38. I'd have to separate quickly, and work pretty fast at finding someone to have a child with if I were to actually get pregnant. If it's adoption, things could slow down a little, but not a helluva lot. So, should I pursue what I want and would regret not doing, or just try to be happy with the life I have.

(3) It feels like I wasn't allowed to meet or spend time with certain family members before the rings were on our fingers. These people have severe mental illnesses. Plans were made with them often, but then when the day got closer, that person would either cancel the plans, or it would just be with H and his Mom; I would be excluded. The reasoning was that too many people are overwhelming, but I've since met these people, and have spent time with them in rather large groups. Maybe I'm just reading too far into this, but I feel like I was kept in the dark, as while I knew about the illnesses, I had no idea quite how severe they are.



happy as a clam said:


> This begs the question... what kinds of info did he keep from you pre-marriage? If you don't want to give specifics, perhaps you can give us a general idea.
> 
> It sounds like this may be driving a lot of your miscommunication as well as your insulting tone when speaking to him. Do you have resentment towards him?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey SSGI, 

Yeah, I know, right.

We knew each other for over 10 years before dating, but yeah, I allowed him to rush me into marriage pretty quickly. To be honest, I'm not sure why he wanted to get married so fast. His Mom was already charging him rent, albeit, not much rent, but he was still paying to live there. She cooked and cleaned for him, and he really had it pretty good. She's even told me that if I need to take on more of the work around the house for him to concentrate on his work (teacher, brings home a lot of work for the evenings), then that's what I need to do. In the next breath though, she'll tell me that I can't be Superwoman.  And no, his name isn't on anything to do with my home, and that home is in our prenup, as well as my dogs and my little home businesses. So, my butt is covered there at least!



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh lord.
> 
> You married a 43 old virgin who was living with his MOTHER when you met him, and *you're* the one who needs therapy?
> 
> ...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Hey Clam, yes, I have a great deal of resentment towards him for a variety of reasons:
> (1) when he first moved into my home, he helped with nothing. I did all the cleaning, cooking and yardwork because his Mom did all that prior to me when he lived with her. I talked to him about it many times, and it would help for a short while, but would go back to him doing nothing. I finally got fed up and said that if he didn't want to help, he was welcome to find another place to live. He's now much better at helping a lot of the time.
> 
> (2) When we were dating for that very short amount of time, I had let him know early on what I wanted out of the future with someone, and he readily agreed. I wanted to adopt a child or 2, and he was 100% on board throughout dating and engagement. About 5 months after marriage is when he told me that he'd rather have our own children. I was blindsided to say the least! At that point, I was still set on adoption, but now I would love to have children with the right man, he's just not the right man to do that with because (a) a huge amount of serious mental health issues in his family; and (b) he's told me that he won't help with a baby unless he has nothing else going on, which he later recounted, but his current performance tells me to not believe him. If we can only make time for one another every few months, how is he going to slot a baby's schedule in there? And, we haven't talked about this for about 2 years, as I don't know how to bring it up. And now my dilemma is this: I'm 38. I'd have to separate quickly, and work pretty fast at finding someone to have a child with if I were to actually get pregnant. If it's adoption, things could slow down a little, but not a helluva lot. So, should I pursue what I want and would regret not doing, or just try to be happy with the life I have.
> ...



Walk away today.

Actually, run the eff away.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Wilson, there's no reason for you to apologize at all. Upon re-reading my reply to you, I'm the one who needs to apologize for my defensiveness. You don't know my H or I from a hole in the ground, and therefore have no idea who takes on which chores around the house, and I shouldn't have jumped on you like that. *As for understanding where he's coming from, I can sometimes get it, but he isn't great at communicating either, and to be honest, I don't know yet if I want to work through it. Time will tell, although if I want a family, I'm running out of time at 38!*


I implore you do not think this will change for the better! It will instead worsen. I know whereof I speak as I married a child as well. His is not a malicious intent but rather an involuntary participation. I deeply regret not having someone to tell me of my situation PRIOR to bringing forth my two children. There were signs but I was young and naive and the signs were not glaring. By the time I better understood the nightmare I had plunged into, I had two children and I was not going to, even partially, remove my influence from their lives and only have a part time involvement with them.

In any event, I encourage you to CAREFULLY consider your future with this individual. Do not be fooled into thinking he is an adult. You will be dealing with childish behavior throughout your life with him. Tread lightly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Absolutely; I was 100% at fault for that one, and really should've specified. I need to think before I speak, and always end up offending him with my choice of words or tone. I guess I just assumed that he knew which closet, as he's seen me with it many times before, and has even grabbed stuff out of that box from the linen closet before. But, one should never assume; lesson learned!


 @Ursula

From what you just said, not only is it always your fault, you are actually aware that it is always your fault, but you do not care enough to do something about it? 

And my wife says: "I always keep x in location y. That's where it always is!"

Until she decides to move everything around, again, that is.

Is it possible that his attitude means you use passive-aggressive barbs to win a little back?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey MattMatt, I didn't actually say that everything is always my fault. What I said was that I always seem to offend him, whether it be tone or word choice. My H doesn't like certain words to be used, so I've tried to dance around conversation, trying not to use those words, while still getting my point across. Sometimes, it's just nice to be me. I've had many mindgames played on me in past relationships, so my communication style has evolved into be quite direct and to-the-point. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. The one issue with that is that H is an over-analyzer, so he will sometimes find some sort of hidden meaning in my words, or make up his own meaning, coming up with something that is utterly confusing. Is it always my fault? No. Is it sometimes my fault? Yes. Just like it is sometimes his fault. In this particular situation, no, I could've handled it better. As to your passive-aggressive comment, both of us can sometimes be that way, yes.



MattMatt said:


> @Ursula
> 
> From what you just said, not only is it always your fault, you are actually aware that it is always your fault, but you do not care enough to do something about it?
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Hey MattMatt, I didn't actually say that everything is always my fault. What I said was that I always seem to offend him, whether it be tone or word choice. My H doesn't like certain words to be used, so I've tried to dance around conversation, trying not to use those words, while still getting my point across. Sometimes, it's just nice to be me. I've had many mindgames played on me in past relationships, so my communication style has evolved into be quite direct and to-the-point. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. The one issue with that is that H is an over-analyzer, so he will sometimes find some sort of hidden meaning in my words, or make up his own meaning, coming up with something that is utterly confusing. Is it always my fault? No. Is it sometimes my fault? Yes. Just like it is sometimes his fault. In this particular situation, no, I could've handled it better. As to your passive-aggressive comment, both of us can sometimes be that way, yes.


Then couple's counselling might be of benefit, I feel.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

This weekend (yes, over the Christmas holiday), I found out that stomach cancer runs in my H's family, and an uncle of his has had it. H has been sick lately, and has been doctor hopping to try to find out what's going on. I'm not entirely sure what all is real and what all he embellishes on around me; he seemed totally okay while out visiting our families this weekend, but as soon as we were alone, it was back to heavy breathing and panting and having what he calls "stomach tickles". I think he's finally found a good doc, and this one is looking into things, but his Mom has said that he could possibly have stomach cancer. 8-| Time will tell; he did some tests last week, and will hopefully have results back soon.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Apparently, I CAN talk to him, he says. I haven't figured out how yet, but let me tell you, did he ever take steps to change this weekend. We had a games night, just the 2 of us, and he even apologized for last Saturday night! He helped out a bit more around the house. I still don't know how to bring up the subjects we NEED to talk through though, but I still plan on seeing a therapist to figure that out.


My XW was very similar, anything I said that wasn't in full agreement with her point of view was either condescending or patronizing and it was always my fault for not knowing how to talk to her respectfully. Funnily enough the same rules didn't work in reverse.



Ursula said:


> Absolutely; I was 100% at fault for that one, and really should've specified. I need to think before I speak, and always end up offending him with my choice of words or tone. I guess I just assumed that he knew which closet, as he's seen me with it many times before, and has even grabbed stuff out of that box from the linen closet before. But, one should never assume; lesson learned!


You weren't 100% at fault you could have specified the linen closet but if he had seen the box in that closet many times before then assuming that is the closet we would put it in is pretty reasonable.



Ursula said:


> Yup, to me, it wasn't said in a mean or condescending manner, but my husband is extremely sensitive, and I need to tread very carefully with word choice and my tone almost needs to be monotone and very quiet for him to be OK with it. Sometimes, my frustration about our lives takes over, and I forget to keep it all in check; this was one of those times, so I'll need to be careful in the future.


You married a 43 year old man, you should be able to speak honestly like an adult. Your mistake was marrying a 43 year old man that had never been independent of his mother or lived in his own house.



Ursula said:


> It's all good; it was my fault and stupidity. I know how he is, and know that we have really poor communication. I never should've talked to him that way, and my frustrations were showing through. Not an excuse, I know. He's not the idiot; I am, and this thread has shown me a lot, including how my communication inadequacies are a problem in the marriage, and to be honest, I'm feeling pretty damned lucky right now to have found someone to put up with me!


If the relationship is strong then you don't have to walk on eggshells all your life.



Ursula said:


> :grin2:
> Oh hell no! H doesn't know that I'm involved in an online community. Nor does he know my plans to go see a therapist. We have a very "don't ask don't tell" relationship, so all this is hush-hush. Nor would I be *quite* that blunt in my communication. I'm hurt beyond possible repair from all the miscommunication and keeping info from me pre-marriage, but that's just something I'll have to deal with without being mean to him.


"Don't ask don't tell" isn't a relationship, well not a functional one anyway. 



Ursula said:


> (2) When we were dating for that very short amount of time, I had let him know early on what I wanted out of the future with someone, and he readily agreed. I wanted to adopt a child or 2, and he was 100% on board throughout dating and engagement. About 5 months after marriage is when he told me that he'd rather have our own children. I was blindsided to say the least! At that point, I was still set on adoption, but now I would love to have children with the right man, he's just not the right man to do that with because (a) a huge amount of serious mental health issues in his family; and (b) *he's told me that he won't help with a baby unless he has nothing else going on,* which he later recounted, but his current performance tells me to not believe him. If we can only make time for one another every few months, how is he going to slot a baby's schedule in there? And, we haven't talked about this for about 2 years, as I don't know how to bring it up. And now my dilemma is this: I'm 38. I'd have to separate quickly, and work pretty fast at finding someone to have a child with if I were to actually get pregnant. If it's adoption, things could slow down a little, but not a helluva lot. So, should I pursue what I want and would regret not doing, or just try to be happy with the life I have.


It doesn't matter whether he recanted it or not this is not someone you want to consider having a child with. It wouldn't be fair on the child to have a father that really isn't interested in them.

Aside from all the other problems both of you moving into your place won't help if that is where you were established before as he has moved from one provided home to another, he's never created a home. My W moved in with me and much of her stuff is still in storage, we are both very aware that we need to change this to make it "ours" but then we don't have any of the communication issues that you do.

If he is 43 and has lived at home paying a little rent to his mother all his life then he should be loaded in savings!! Maybe getting a place together might help, but I think your root problem is that you married someone who by mid-life hasn't even had a serious relationship. 

You don't have a "partner" you have just taken over the mothering role and it is going to take a lot of work to overcome that, I very much doubt that he will ever be a parent. Don't knock yourself by thinking you are lucky to have someone who will put up with you. If you have your own issues then you need to address them but you deserve to have a spouse that loves you and wants you as an equal partner in life.


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