# My Parents vs Wife



## bobzitt (Oct 13, 2015)

hello, I am in a bit of a pickle, my wife and I have decided to renew our relationship after a hard few years, we are both head over heels in love with one another, we have our down falls but we have successfully worked through them. we both have a child from a previous relationship, mine is 13 F and here is 5 F, the 13 year old resents my wife and wants nothing to do with her. my mother is feeding my daughter full of thoughts and fueling the fire. last week I found my 13 year olds phone and her and her friends were sending a picture of my wife with some derogatory remarks around on snap chat and her friends were all passing it around, well my wife works for the school and one of her students saw the post and shoed my wife. she was quite upset, I went to my Daughters mothers home (My Ex) and my wife, my ex wife and myself took her phone away and gave her some punishments. Now my mother decided that taking her phone wasn't the right thing to do and decided to harass my Ex wife until she gave our daughter back the phone. I explained our actions to my mother but she wont listen. I had a conversation about all of this with my mother a few nights ago, and she proceeded to say how she hates my wife and won't ever accept her. I told her, that was something she had to deal with and we are a package deal, I have severed all contact with my mother but my daughter is still exposed, I am looking for some advise on how to handle this situation? 

Thank you!


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Why does you daughter hate your wife? Is she justified in her resentment? Same for your mother. What are her reasons? It seems your wife is not well liked by anybody including the kids at school. A little more details would be helpful.


----------



## bobzitt (Oct 13, 2015)

My Daughter and wife got along just fine, however she has a total different set of rules at our house vs her Mothers and my Mothers (Grandma's House) my ex wife is a friend to our Daughter rather than being a mother, my Mother allows our daughter to whatever she wants while she is at Grandmas, my wife and I have rules and expectations, no different than our 5 year old, however my 13 year old daughter says they are not fair because she doesn't have to do any of these at her mothers house. We have expectations like make your bed, clean up after your self, and household chores, nothing extreme. its like cutting teeth when the 13 year old doesn't want to do anything but spend the night at other peoples houses and play on her phone all hours of the day. the lack of respect and rules are causing rifts with everyone and, its causing issues between my mother and I and my 13 year old and everyone else.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

bobzitt said:


> My Daughter and wife got along just fine, however she has a total different set of rules at our house vs her Mothers and my Mothers (Grandma's House) my ex wife is a friend to our Daughter rather than being a mother, my Mother allows our daughter to whatever she wants while she is at Grandmas, my wife and I have rules and expectations, no different than our 5 year old, however my 13 year old daughter says they are not fair because she doesn't have to do any of these at her mothers house. We have expectations like make your bed, clean up after your self, and household chores, nothing extreme. its like cutting teeth when the 13 year old doesn't want to do anything but spend the night at other peoples houses and play on her phone all hours of the day. the lack of respect and rules are causing rifts with everyone and, its causing issues between my mother and I and my 13 year old and everyone else.


You might want to try to work with your XW on getting her to establish similar rules for DD while she's not with you.

Now, take this for what you will, but if your Mom is trying to parent your child, I think you need to establish some boundaries.

After the phone incident, I'd have gone to visit my mother in person, and explained that "I'm DD's father, and my wife is her step-mother. And we are going to be making the parenting decisions, not her grandparents. So the next time you decide to hound my XW on something that is not your business, that is a jointly-agreed parenting decision, will be the last time I ever let you see your grand-kids."

Regarding the "I'm never going to accept your Wife" comment, I'd just say "That's fine. I won't accept you in my life anymore. Best of luck as you get older. I hope you're not too lonely at the old-folks home"

But I'm a tyrant, just so you know. I have no compunction with cutting people out of my life. Especially if they're going to run over my boundaries, and try to ruin my relationships.

I think you did the right thing with her.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OP, does your mother regularly run roughshod over your boundaries? Is this a long-established behavior?

Why doesn't she like your W?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bobzitt said:


> hello, I am in a bit of a pickle, my wife and I have decided to renew our relationship after a hard few years, we are both head over heels in love with one another, we have our down falls but we have successfully worked through them. we both have a child from a previous relationship, mine is 13 F and here is 5 F, the 13 year old resents my wife and wants nothing to do with her. my mother is feeding my daughter full of thoughts and fueling the fire. last week I found my 13 year olds phone and her and her friends were sending a picture of my wife with some derogatory remarks around on snap chat and her friends were all passing it around, well my wife works for the school and one of her students saw the post and shoed my wife. she was quite upset, I went to my Daughters mothers home (My Ex) and my wife, my ex wife and myself took her phone away and gave her some punishments. Now my mother decided that taking her phone wasn't the right thing to do and decided to harass my Ex wife until she gave our daughter back the phone. I explained our actions to my mother but she wont listen. I had a conversation about all of this with my mother a few nights ago, and she proceeded to say how she hates my wife and won't ever accept her. I told her, that was something she had to deal with and we are a package deal, I have severed all contact with my mother but my daughter is still exposed, I am looking for some advise on how to handle this situation?
> 
> Thank you!


You handled your mother as you should. Apron strings are cut. You respected your W. You are right, you mother can deal with the issue of not liking your W. Until then cut a NON-friend of your marriage out of your life. Mom can go. Concerning the daughter, pulling the phone was also correct. The phone is a luxury and not a necessity. Sure, give your daughter the phone back then cut the data on the website(Verizon allows me to stop data on any of my phones on the account). So, your daughter can call or text over the network but not get any data for other functions on the phone. I think Snapchat will stop working if you cut the phone data feed.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

About what percentage of the enforcement of the rules in your home does your wife do? 

It's not unusual for step-child your daughter's age to disrespect their stepmother. I went through this with my step daughter. When she was in junior high and high school she trashed me to all her friends. She had them believing that I was the wicked witch. She also put a lot of effort into making sure that they never really spent any time with me, after all they might find out that I was actually the fair god mother. 

At one point I started inviting her friends over to spend the night and hang out at our home. One evening, my step daughter was being very disrespectful of me in front of a couple of her friends who were spending the weekend in our home. Her friends told her to shut up. Then they went on to lecture her that here she had told them all sorts of horrid things about me. And now that they had spent time with me they realize that she had been lying to them. Her friends doing this was priceless. She was in 9th grade when this happened. For the rest of her high school years, I became '2nd mom' to all the girls. And they would not tolerate my step-daughter bad mouthing me. Shoot, they would tell me anytime she did that sort of thing... 

Having allies always helps.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bobzitt said:


> My Daughter and wife got along just fine, however she has a total different set of rules at our house vs her Mothers and my Mothers (Grandma's House) my ex wife is a friend to our Daughter rather than being a mother, my Mother allows our daughter to whatever she wants while she is at Grandmas, my wife and I have rules and expectations, no different than our 5 year old, however my 13 year old daughter says they are not fair because she doesn't have to do any of these at her mothers house. We have expectations like make your bed, clean up after your self, and household chores, nothing extreme. its like cutting teeth when the 13 year old doesn't want to do anything but spend the night at other peoples houses and play on her phone all hours of the day. the lack of respect and rules are causing rifts with everyone and, its causing issues between my mother and I and my 13 year old and everyone else.


You and EX need to come to agreement on rules from home to home. If not, problems start and you are already witnessing that.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

bobzitt said:


> My Daughter and wife got along just fine, however she has a total different set of rules at our house vs her Mothers and my Mothers (Grandma's House) my ex wife is a friend to our Daughter rather than being a mother, my Mother allows our daughter to whatever she wants while she is at Grandmas, my wife and I have rules and expectations, no different than our 5 year old, however my 13 year old daughter says they are not fair because she doesn't have to do any of these at her mothers house. We have expectations like make your bed, clean up after your self, and household chores, nothing extreme. its like cutting teeth when the 13 year old doesn't want to do anything but spend the night at other peoples houses and play on her phone all hours of the day. the lack of respect and rules are causing rifts with everyone and, its causing issues between my mother and I and my 13 year old and everyone else.


Your wife is not your daughter's mother. Period. It's fine for her to have expectations in her house but she did not carry your daughter for 9 months, give life to her and raise her. Unless your ex-wife was abusive to your daughter, it is not your current wife's place to try to replace her.

I think you are still withholding information. Why will your mother never accept your current wife?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your mother is out of line, all of this is none of her business. That said, however... there MUST be some reason both your D and your mother don't like your wife. Many times love makes us blind to the bad things and the ones close to us can see what we don't.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So it's YOUR mother who's causing the grief, right? Not your wife's mother? 

Easy enough. Mom, we won't be seeing you for awhile until we get some things firmed up. You're inserting yourself into my marriage and causing problems and I don't appreciate it. We'll see you at Christmas.

Are you willing to do this? If not, there's a bigger problem.

As far as your daughter, look up everything you can find about authoritative parenting. It's how you're supposed to be raising your kids - set rules, provide lots of love and respect, but impose clear and consistent consequences when they break the boundaries. Without emotion. "*shrug* You knew the rule about cleaning your room. You chose not to follow the rule. Now you have the consequence for your choice. If you don't like the consequence, don't break the rule again." And never, ever get into a debate with a teenager once that consequence is enacted. Beforehand, welcome them to come to you with possible alternatives and if it's fair and logical, go ahead and adapt the rule/consequence. But once they've broken the rule, enforce the consequence. Period.

That's how kids learn to get along in society. And no, that girl should NOT get the phone back. It's not a right.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I went back and looked at your previous post. The relationship between your daughter and your wife IS NOT FINE. Your daughter lives with your ex-wife and does not want to be in your house. She is doing everything and anything to stay away from you and your wife. Your ex-wife had no influence in this decision.

You live next door to your in-laws. A year ago, your daughter told your ex-wife that your FIL asked her for a nude pictures. Your FIL in turn told your current wife that he got a call from the police asking for a statement regarding this accusation. You had confirmation that your FIL lied and there was no call from the police and no report was filed by your daughter or your ex-wife. However your wife still sided with her father and demanded that you cut ties with your daughter.

Is this correct? Am I getting any of this wrong?

If this is correct, regardless of if what your daughter said is true or not she has no business being in your house. I have serious doubts about your credibility as a parent.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whoa.....


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

@bobzitt

What did you do with your previous issue, regarding your current W's father, and the allegations of asking for naked pics of your daughter?

I ask, because I think this will help give some more insight into your situation...


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

The HELL with all of them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KillerClown said:


> I went back and looked at your previous post. The relationship between your daughter and your wife IS NOT FINE. Your daughter lives with your ex-wife and does not want to be in your house. She is doing everything and anything to stay away from you and your wife. Your ex-wife had no influence in this decision.
> 
> You live next door to your in-laws. A year ago, your daughter told your ex-wife that your FIL asked her for a nude pictures. Your FIL in turn told your current wife that he got a call from the police asking for a statement regarding this accusation. You had confirmation that your FIL lied and there was no call from the police and no report was filed by your daughter or your ex-wife. However your wife still sided with her father and demanded that you cut ties with your daughter.
> 
> ...


What the hell? Is this all true? You know, it's really hard to give helpful advice if you won't be honest.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I read your original post. 
Nothing after.

Kids hate their steps because they are not their originals.

Grandparents do the same.. hate because they were brought up in a different way.

Back your wife. Support your kid, love the rest as they are but do not let them put irrelevant values on you so you feel guilt. 

Based on evidence provided. Wife is right. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What a ball of snakes! You're surrounded by liars and bullies. It looks like the best use of your Bible is to thump some of them upside the head.


----------

