# Should I go full force with this or let him have what he wants?



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I am divorcing my STBXH. I finally got the money. I can't afford more than like $700 or $800 though. I want this to go quickly so I can get away from him and I don't have to spend too much. However, uncontested is looking pretty grim right now.
He will only agree to:
Joint legal and physical custody, and if that isn't possible, he wants primary custody or isn't signing. He refuses to pay child support.
We don't have any assets or anything.
Alabama always leans heavily towards the mom when awarding custody.

My mom's friend says I should not agree to what he wants and I should pull out every ugly thing I have to get what I want, and that he should back down before we ever go to court. Here is what I have:

-He was very emotionally abusive. Why I left in the first place.
-I have screenshots of all the emails and ads he posted soliciting sex with men on Craigslist and inviting them to our apartment, giving them our address.
-I have a text with him admitting to touching and trying to rape me in my sleep.

My mom's friend thinks I should tell him that if he doesn't comply with what I want (to share physical custody but have primary legal custody and to receive child support since he has a job and I don't) that I should tell him I will file for him only getting her every other weekend supervised, child support, alimony, and that I will file charges for rape.

Also, tonight, him and a friend came over while I was alone to pick up some furniture. The friend had a concealed gun with him. When I saw it, they made jokes about killing me. STBX always joked about killing me during the marriage. Mom's friend says I should immediately file charges and go to an abuse home in the area and ask them for help with a divorce and tell them I am afraid for my life.

Can I get some advice?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ariel that is some scary sh!t do you have male family members to sit during these visits?
Talk to your local police but better next time if you have a smart phone RECORD every transaction.
Bottom line DO NOT BE ALONE during child transactions.
This can escalate quickly protect yourself.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am divorcing my STBXH. I finally got the money. I can't afford more than like $700 or $800 though. I want this to go quickly so I can get away from him and I don't have to spend too much. However, uncontested is looking pretty grim right now.
> He will only agree to:
> Joint legal and physical custody, and if that isn't possible, he wants primary custody or isn't signing. He refuses to pay child support.
> We don't have any assets or anything.
> ...


He can refuse and say he doesn't want to pay child support, its meaningless and idle threats. The state will simply order it. 

Trying to prove fault for grounds for divorce is usually the most expensive and the hardest to prove.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much does he make at his job? Is it minimum wage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He cannot refuse to pay child support. If you have your daughter more than he and he has a job, he's going to pay child support. It's not his choice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

My mom's friend thinks I should tell him that if he doesn't comply with what I want (to share physical custody but have primary legal custody and to receive child support since he has a job and I don't) that I should tell him I will file for him only getting her every other weekend supervised, child support, alimony, and that I will file charges for rape.

Please find shelter and tell him only to correspond through text.
Fight for your rights.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to the Alabama child support schedule

Alabama Unified Judicial System -- judicial.alabama.gov


and below is a child support calculator.

http://www.divorcehq.com/calculators/alabama-child-support-calculator.shtml


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you gone to a domestic abuse organization? I suggest that you do. They can help you.

Right now you are trying to do this without an attorney. They often have attorneys who will take cases like your pro bono.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a line to Alabama Legal Aid

Legal Services Alabama


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am divorcing my STBXH. I finally got the money. I can't afford more than like $700 or $800 though. I want this to go quickly so I can get away from him and I don't have to spend too much. However, uncontested is looking pretty grim right now.
> He will only agree to:
> Joint legal and physical custody, and if that isn't possible, he wants primary custody or isn't signing. He refuses to pay child support.
> We don't have any assets or anything.
> ...


Ariel, don't give in. You have more than enough on him to absolutely BURY him, and to the tune of both primary custody AND child support.

If you need more money, wait a bit longer so that you can save more up.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to the Alabama child support schedule
> 
> Alabama Unified Judicial System -- judicial.alabama.gov
> 
> ...


Thank you Ele
But this guy may be a psychopath back when I watched DiscoveryID a sad case in Ga where a xw went for the child swap at a walmart was shot in front of her kids.
Is he the same?
I don't know?
Ariel only you know him think about it please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Generally the court will give you two joint physical and legal custody. He is not getting primary custody. 

All of your evidence is electronic, right? Make sure that you have it stored in more than one place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Thank you Ele
> But this guy may be a psychopath back when I watched DiscoveryID a sad case in Ga where a xw went for the child swap at a walmart was shot in front of her kids.
> Is he the same?
> I don't know?
> Ariel only you know him think about it please.


Why is that a 'but'. I suggested that she get in touch with a domestic violence place so that they can help her. If they assess that she is in danger they can move her to a safe house. They can get her free legal help. She will not be able to get full custody without legal counsel because it's very hard to get that.

So I don't understand what you find faulty about the links and advice I'm giving here.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

He makes $400 a week. He wants joint custody (not me having primary) and no child support. I talked to an attorney today and she said that if he doesn't sign whatever she draws up, I have wasted my money with her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What others have said. All I'll add is that you shouldn't make any threats that you're not willing to follow through on.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arial, I have you some links above. If you need help finding a domestic abuse center PM me your town/city and I'll help you find one. You need to go in as soon as you can...like TOMORROW.

In order to use any kind of physical abuse and/or rape as reason for not letting him have unsupervised visitation, you need to create a police record of the rape.

You can file a police report on the rape since you have his written word admitting to it. Then get a restraining order ASAP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> He makes $400 a week. He wants joint custody (not me having primary) and no child support. I talked to an attorney today and she said that if he doesn't sign whatever she draws up, I have wasted my money with her.


Did you give the attorney your $700-$800?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why is that a 'but'. I suggested that she get in touch with a domestic violence place so that they can help her. If they assess that she is in danger they can move her to a safe house. They can get her free legal help. She will not be able to get full custody without legal counsel because it's very hard to get that.
> 
> So I don't understand what you find faulty about the links and advice I'm giving here.


:scratchhead:
I didn't find fault I totally agree
She needs to seek shelter before he kills her.
Sorry to scare you Ariel but Ele and I both agree though she wants to pick a fight with me.:scratchhead:


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> He makes $400 a week. He wants joint custody (not me having primary) and no child support. I talked to an attorney today and she said that if he doesn't sign whatever she draws up, I have wasted my money with her.


Speak to a different attorney and also inquire about legal aides etc that elegirl posted about. You don't really need a full blown lawyer to get child support, at least in my state it is a relatively easy thing to obtain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> :scratchhead:
> I didn't find fault I totally agree
> She needs to seek shelter before he kills her.
> Sorry to scare you Ariel but Ele and I both agree though she wants to pick a fight with me.:scratchhead:


No, I don't want to pick a fight, I guess I just misunderstood your post... will need to go back and read a few times... might need to dust some cob webs from between my ears first though.

I do agree that there is something really off on this guy. Anyone who will bring Craigslist pickups to his own home when his baby lives there is a whack job.... picking up people on Craigslist for sex is bad enough , but he's defiantly crossed the line.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> He makes $400 a week. He wants joint custody (not me having primary) and no child support. I talked to an attorney today and she said that if he doesn't sign whatever she draws up, I have wasted my money with her.


Sounds like someone trying to make a quick buck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

honcho said:


> Speak to a different attorney and also inquire about legal aides etc that elegirl posted about. You don't really need a full blown lawyer to get child support, at least in my state it is a relatively easy thing to obtain.


:iagree::iagree:
Ariel you have a very good case hit the links and move.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I do agree that there is something really off on this guy. Anyone who will bring Craigslist pickups to his own home when his baby lives there is a whack job.... picking up people on Craigslist for sex is bad enough , but he's defiantly crossed the line.


Word.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No, I don't want to pick a fight, I guess I just misunderstood your post... will need to go back and read a few times... might need to dust some cob webs from between my ears first though.
> 
> I do agree that there is something really off on this guy. Anyone who will bring Craigslist pickups to his own home when his baby lives there is a whack job.... picking up people on Craigslist for sex is bad enough , but he's defiantly crossed the line.


Ele she has to not be alone right now it is that serious imo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Ele she has to not be alone right now it is that serious imo.


I think Ariel is staying with her mother. 

Is that right Ariel?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ariel it may just be intimidation or not.
Assume the worst and seek shelter then hit all the links Ele left and I thank her again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think Ariel is staying with her mother.
> 
> Is that right Ariel?


She can't be alone after the last incident.:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I looked at the child support links below. From them it looks like child support will be between $296 and $333. Several factors may come into play, such as the number of hours a month he has her. But those are the basic numbers.

Here are the links again with some more for domestic violence orgs.. all in one place

Alabama Legal Aid

Alabama Legal Help 

Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence

YWCA Domestic Violence Help

Alabama child support schedule

Alabama child support calculator


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ariel please let us or at least Ele you are alive and okay.
The best for you and your kid and I hope the ex gets help because a kid needs both parents.
AGAIN he needs help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom, 

I think she's gone to bed. It's very late in Alabama. I'm going to go to bed too now as I need to be up no later than 8 am. So I'll check back here when I get up.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> tom,
> 
> I think she's gone to bed. It's very late in Alabama. I'm going to go to bed too now as I need to be up no later than 8 am. So I'll check back here when I get up.


I know same time zone as me and thanks though I am colder.
I just worry for her as you.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

OK... My advice. I agree about getting in touch with a shelter assuming you legitimately fear for your life. If you are bsing about this part of things you really need to stop. Just saying. 

Now, no matter how you look at it he is afraid. Afraid of losing his kids, afraid of losing you and afraid of the damage you can cause to him personally. Whether the allegations are true or not, this is a very bad situation for him. It sounds like to me you are making threats against him to get what you want. I do not agree with this. If all of these things that you said happened are true, you should have no problem winning the case against him so stop threatening. 

Threats, true or not, can drive people to do things they would never do. You are literally treatening his life as he knows it. This is very dangerous. Stop talking to him. Only work anything through a lawyer if at all possible. 

You can easily win this case. Alabama favors the mom and whether mom's are right or not, they win custody. 

If you are just trying to get what you want and will say anything against him, then you should think about splitting custody. It is a fair and right thing to do and should be an option in every case assuming the other parent is fit. 

Good luck. Keep your morals but protect your kids and yourself from harm.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cavenger said:


> OK... My advice. I agree about getting in touch with a shelter assuming you legitimately fear for your life. If you are bsing about this part of things you really need to stop. Just saying.
> 
> Now, no matter how you look at it he is afraid. Afraid of losing his kids, afraid of losing you and afraid of the damage you can cause to him personally. Whether the allegations are true or not, this is a very bad situation for him. It sounds like to me you are making threats against him to get what you want. I do not agree with this. If all of these things that you said happened are true, you should have no problem winning the case against him so stop threatening.
> 
> ...


You need to read her other threads. This has been going on for months.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cavenger said:


> OK... My advice. I agree about getting in touch with a shelter assuming you legitimately fear for your life. If you are bsing about this part of things you really need to stop. Just saying.
> 
> Now, no matter how you look at it he is afraid. Afraid of losing his kids, afraid of losing you and afraid of the damage you can cause to him personally. Whether the allegations are true or not, this is a very bad situation for him. It sounds like to me you are making threats against him to get what you want. I do not agree with this. If all of these things that you said happened are true, you should have no problem winning the case against him so stop threatening.
> 
> ...





farsidejunky said:


> *You need to read her other threads.* This has been going on for months.


Indeed.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like someone trying to make a quick buck.


How so? Maybe I read it different than you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Also, tonight, him and a friend came over while I was alone to pick up some furniture. The friend had a concealed gun with him. When I saw it, they made jokes about killing me. STBX always joked about killing me during the marriage. Mom's friend says I should immediately file charges and go to an abuse home in the area and ask them for help with a divorce and tell them I am afraid for my life.


When a person says that they are going to kill you, even if they laugh, take it seriously. That is a threat on your life.

Call the police NOW and press charges against both your husband and his friend. The friend had no business wearing a weapon in your home. He should have left it in his car. It's most likely that the little 'gag' was premeditated. 

Believe me, people who are serious, mature weapon owners would never make a comment/joke like this.
Your husband threatened you often in your marriage and now he and his friend have threatened you. Do you know that most women who are killed are killed by their husband/boyfriend. They are usually killed when they try to leave the guy.

I agree with your mother. Call the police, press charges, get a restraining order, go to get into a safe house. I gave you links. Please use them.




ariel_angel77 said:


> Can I get some advice?


Yes, you have advice here. Please let us know that you are ok. You post something like this then you disappear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and get yourself a VAR. This is so that if he is ever around you, you can record all that is said.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want proof that he and his friend threatened you.. text him and talk to him about the threats.. get him to admit it... even if he says it's a joke.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

If this has been going on forever, what is she waiting for?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cavenger said:


> If this has been going on forever, what is she waiting for?


I'm not sure if what you mean "what is she waiting for?". She has left him. She's filing for divorce.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

My advice..... Stop playing the victim. Get a gun. File a restraining order and divorce him. Fight fire with fire.... Maybe hire some big Ole bubbas to pay him a little visit. Strike back. If you really fear for your life, go down fighting.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

cavenger said:


> My advice..... Stop playing the victim.


She left. She isn't "playing" the victim she is one.


cavenger said:


> Get a gun. File a restraining order and divorce him.


She is divorcing him.


cavenger said:


> Fight fire with fire.... Maybe hire some big Ole bubbas to pay him a little visit. Strike back. If you really fear for your life, go down fighting.


Take what little money she has, stop the divorce and hire hitmen/bodyguards...???? LOL. Someone has been watching too many movies.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Sorry I wasn't able to respond you guys. I've been moving to a new city. So he's been pretty nice. Tonight we met at a public location to exchange DD and he had the nerve to actually bring his girlfriend. I have never felt so disrespected. I told him how I felt about it through text later and he didn't even respond. The nerve.

Waiting to hear from a friend's lawyer for a possible discounted rate. I'm so ready for this to be done.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You may not be able to do this uncontested...it may end up costing a bit more, but it is an expense that will decide how you live, how much time you spend with your kids, your finances, etc...it is an investment in your future. Some lawyers will allow a payment program for part of the cost, with money down. Or find legal aid in your area, if your income is low.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's moved on and he wanted to show you that he has by flaunting his new girlfriend. Better not to respond to the bait in the future. He probably loves knowing he can still push your buttons. Treat him as if he's a stranger. Focus only on getting through this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ariel, stop sending him texts about how it makes you feel. He doesn't care.

Do you see him as a possible flight risk -- as in not returning your daughter to you after a scheduled visit and taking off with her to parts unknown? He doesn't want to play nice, doesn't want to pay child support, wants joint custody. 

You need to expose all of the lewd cr*p he's done while married to you to your lawyer and make sure it gets in front of the judge. Even if you are in a no-fault state, that will go a long way in influencing the judge what is in the best interest for your child.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> It isn't concealed if you knew about it, he broke the law, and violated his right to conceal a weapon when it was made known... you must report this to your local police or department of justice.
> 
> And while you are at it, send the text messages with the rape confession.
> 
> Do these 2 things, and you will be surprised how quick and affordable this divorce is processed.


Correct, I have a CCW and what foolscotton said is correct. Take idle threats seriously, protect yourself.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is manipulating you. Even though logically, you know that he is a disfunctional person, there is still an attachment to him. You loved him once, you have a child together. Unfortunately, attachment sometimes makes us territorial, even to an unhealthy person. You need to work towards indifference. What you are going through is a biological response. Until that attachment fades from you, you will be somewhat territorial on him. I hope that makes you get some sense out of something that seems illogical.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Ariel... I've corresponded with you in the past, so you know I left an abusive marriage as well. It is an extremely difficult situation to navigate for a number of reasons. That said, here are a couple of suggestions:

1- Don't give him your new address
2- Offer to exchange custody at the police or fire station only
3- Call the YWCA - they can help you with get the appropriate resources for legal help, counseling, and shelters.
4- Stop texting with him - email only unless there is an emergency with your DD, which is the only time you should call.

Do not fight fire with fire - take the high road any way you can with the realization that anything done now will affect the future. 

You are lucky to live in a state that favors the mother - I did not. CA would have bypassed most of what you listed... my ex was charged with terrorist threats after saying he wanted to kill me, but that was because he left it as a VM. 

Get that VAR if you are going to continue to converse with him... I think you'd be better off going the entirely opposite route and disengaging entirely unless the discussion is related to co-parenting


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