# Does your partner intellectually stimulate you?



## CalifGuy

One of the biggest problems I am finding in my marriage of 2.5 yrs is that my DW does not intellectually stimulate me. She has plenty of good qualities, is very well liked by others, is very pretty (although we are having issues as she has gained 20 pounds since the wedding while I have lost 5) but the intellectual stimulation is just not there. Unless it is something reported by TMZ.com, chances are she is mostly ignorant of both current events, history and just stuff that I take for granted that people should know. Yesterday, we were flying from the east coast back to the west coast and when I looked at her like she was an idiot when she was confirming with another passenger that it was a 1 hr time difference and pointed out to her that it was a 3 hr difference, I think she felt stupid and then proceeded to cuss me out right on the flight. That is just one example, but other recent examples would include not knowing who the VP of the country was or who the Governor of our hometown state of California was. Her one defense is always that she is fully bilingual (she was born in a foreign country but came to the U.S. as a young girl) while I am not bilingual. I don't enjoy making her feel stupid but this is difficult for me as my only two other very serious relationships (including a 12 yr relationship with my college sweetheart who was my first wife and a 15 month relationship between marriages) have been with women who were VERY intelligent. Wife #1 was actually trilingual while the other woman had the most perfect diction, graduated from a top university and was a very good writer (although that was not her profession). She and I would actually read in bed to each other, maybe a chapter a couple times a week until we would complete a book, but, that didn't work when I tried it with my wife. 

Anyway, the intellectual stimulation is something I miss terribly as I would be just as proud of my exes when they wowed others with their smarts as I would be when they wowed others with their looks. My wife now, however, is much better liked by others as she is very down to Earth and a social butterfly but while that may serve others well, it just doesn't have an equal effect on me as being intellectually stimulated would have on me. I guess it is what initially drew me to her but now that we've been together three yrs, I am finding the lack of intellectual stimulation to be a very important missing ingredient in our marriage while I am sure that she doesn't think too kindly of me whenever I point out mistakes like the one yesterday to her. Sometimes she loves me for my mind and calls me a "genius" but i don't consider myself even close to that and it just further illustrates the gap there is between us in that department. 

Meanwhile, she is not hesitant to get annoyed with me for not being more of a social butterfly and not being more engaging at family events. I am not socially awkward but I am not the life of the party and if something drags on for hours on end, I am not opposed to pulling out my cellphone for a few minutes to play a game or checkout sports results, etc. So, neither one of us is perfect but more and more I fear that we don't complement each other well and likely should have dated longer before marrying (I proposed after just 4 months and we married after knowing each other for just 10 months...she wanted to get married by 30 and I wanted to put the ghost of my ex gf, who ripped my heart out, behind me). Now, after seemingly marrying for the wrong reasons, it is seeming harder and harder to have a good marriage, yet her only goal in life right now seems to be to get pregnant while that is the last thing I want as we rarely seem to go an entire week without fighting. 

Can a marriage really work if two people are not intellectually compatible? The physical compatibility got us to the altar but now that has worn off I am finding the intellectual compatiblity thing to be huge while she is unhappy with me for not being more of a social butterfly and not being closer with my family. 

Is the answer to just lower my expectations and love and live with what is? She certainly is not hesitant to printout the things about me that she wishes were different and I try to take the higher road in most cases but when I do that all the time it seems to make her believe that she is perfect and I am the one who needs to improve/change so I can only take the higher road so often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien

I think it really comes down to thinking about what you thought about this part of her when the two of you first met, and make sure you aren't just rationalizing the mindset of 'this relationship just won't work." You say that the two of you married for some of the wrong reasons, but were there traits, other than looks, that made up for this? Like maybe the way she looked at things positively, or other ways that she seemed to complete you?

Would she be willing to try to share some of your interests in learning and discussion in certain areas?

I knew that my wife had little interest in things like literature, science, politics, or other areas. She doesn't really enjoy reading or watching TV, or have any hobbies. But I guess I am the opposite. I was reading about Kant and other philosophers in the 6th grade. To me, the saddest part of my own marriage in this area is that I've published several works of fiction as a hobby, and she's never read anything I have written, unless it was written for her. Maybe they were just that bad, but there is a whole part of my life that she was just too intimidated to join. She resented it, then became too embarrassed to join in once she worked past the insecurity. 

In my case, though, my wife has tried to become more knowledgeable of my interests (other than my writing), but part of it is due to our nearly adult children. There is no easy answer. I don't want to judge her. There are other things that are very positive about her personality, but I can't escape the feeling of something missing if she can't try to overcome insecurities to share my interests, or challenge herself to learn more, since I've really tried for her. 

I would encourage you to look at the positives, and weigh it against the negatives. Decide what's really important to you. I can only say that you are not alone in these type of feelings.


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## southern wife

I can say that my husband does not stimulate me intellectually. He is HUGE into old rock music and bands and knows so much trivia about them. Don't get me wrong, I like Pink Floyd and the like as much as the next person, but I don't need to know their life history. To me, that is boring conversation and I just mentally block him out.............or give him a big glass of "shutty".


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## CandieGirl

So, neither one of us is perfect but more and more I fear that we don't complement each other well and likely should have dated longer before marrying (I proposed after just 4 months and we married after knowing each other for just 10 months...*she wanted to get married by 30 and I wanted to put the ghost of my ex gf, who ripped my heart out, behind me*). Now, after seemingly marrying for the wrong reasons, it is seeming harder and harder to have a good marriage, yet her only goal in life right now seems to be to get pregnant while that is the last thing I want as we rarely seem to go an entire week without fighting. 

I daresay you rushed into things too quickly...a child is the last thing you two need.

And it doesn't sound as though you love your wife. That should be # 1!


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## greenpearl

I think it is important for both husband and wife to help each other grow intellectually. 

If you do this, you have a lot to talk to each other daily. 

And neither the husband nor the wife should feel offended if one of them knows more. Of course the one who knows more shouldn't have the condescending attitude either. We all know something, and what we know is different from one another. 

My husband and I have been helping each other grow intellectually ever since we got married. I am glad that he reads a lot and he knows a lot. I have learned a lot from him. it is always a good feeling to listen to him telling me what he just read. You just adore him, and then you learn a lot from him too. I also share with him what I read daily. I consider myself a student of life. When I find a piece of wisdom, I will share it with my husband and both of us have a good discussion. It is always a good feeling when he tells me he appreciates and agrees with what I shared with him. 

Learning is always important in one's life.


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## Cherry

To answer your question, no my partner does not stimulate me intellectually, in fact he is a 10th grade drop-out and I have a college degree. He spent 10 years in prison, I've spent my life in corporate America. That said, we never run out of things to talk about. I've grown to love hearing about his experiences in prison, or his street smarts. Can we sit down and talk politics? No and it's better that way. Do I get aggravated at him for something he can't do that appears simple to me? No, not anymore. At the end of the day, I appreciate the things he can do and he appreciates the things I can do. 

This reminds me of my 17 year old and her most recent LTR. She would always point blank tell her boyfriend how stupid or "retarded (her word)" he was for not being able to spell or read or something that appeared simple to her.... But when it came time for him to break a horse or sing a song or play a musical instrument, he was (is) amazing. I think everyone has their strengths in life... My H is carpentry, or tile setting, or just an all around handyman who can fix anything ~ he just might need a little help reading the directions and understanding them... That's what I'm there for  Perhaps you can find some strengths in your W that can actually compliment you and your marriage.


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## dkong

i'm in the same boat as you califguy.

at the end of the day however, my wife has many other good qualities which out-weight her lack of intellectualism. sometimes i get frustrated because there are so many interesting things i want to talk about with her but she doesn't understand or has not interest in it herself, which is ok because that is what my friends are for. have a think about her other qualities, is she loyal, caring, loving etc? we all know a perfect partner doesn't exist but it's what we make it.

at the end of the day i'd rather have a partner who is honest, loyal, faithful, good mother etc, rather than someone who is intellectual but lacks in those other areas.


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## CalifGuy

Thanks for all the feedback to all of you who responded above. Yes, she does have her good qualities and, perhaps, I just need to focus more on these things and come to accept that she will never be my equal in certain departments and hope that she comes to accept that I will never be her equal in other departments (being handy around the house, speaking a foreign language, being a social butterfly, being a neat freak).

Undoubtedly, she is an excellent mommy to my three dogs and not just any woman would want to marry a guy that has three dogs...my ex-gf who I thought I was going to marry, towards the end of the relationship even asked me how old the dogs were, followed by asking what their life expectancy was, followed by being a little too obvious as her eyes shifted up towards the heavens as she was busy calculating in her head how long they had left to live! lol But, I would never ever abandon my dogs so, oh well on the ex-gf, and to find a dog lover who had no dogs of her own (she had one that passed away just 9 months before we met who she was still mourning) was not the easiest task (although that wasn't the say all / end all in finding a partner).

But, really, one of the things that initially had me hooked on my DW was that we had a great sex life and she was always willing to please me and fulfill nearly all of my fantasies...but, the best way to put an end to that is to put a ring on it, it seems! Grrrr! :<


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## southbound

Just to answer your question, no, my x-wife did not intellectually stimulate me, but I never desired that. 

I have a masters degree and work a white collar job, but in my off time, I'm just the ol' country boy that I've always been. If I went on a date and the woman wanted to talk politics, the economy, or any such stuff, I'd be bored to tears and run for the hills. 

My x's family was big at playing board games, but trivia pursuit wasn't a favorite of theirs. I was always stronger in this than her family, but I didn't care.

I've noticed that a person can not know who the VP is, but still have a lot of common sense, and that's what i look for.

It amazes me at the people who have great jobs, make a lot of money, and could talk academics with the best of them, yet coming home to a broken toilet just blows their mind; they have to immediately call the plumber. They couldn't change a tire, manage their own money well, repair their own roof after a high wind, cook a meal, or even have basic knowledge about the process of where their grocery items come from. I had a colleague, that I consider my academic superior, who thought milk from a grocery store was manufactured instead of coming from a cow.  I promise I'm not making that up!!

I met a guy at a campground once who was trying to light his campfire by touching the flame to a large piece of wood instead of using kindling, and he acted puzzled as to why he didn't have a roaring fire in a few seconds. He also had the wood lying flat instead of in a position to allow air circulation. Wouldn't you know it, though, he was the head of some big company and was rolling in dough.

I guess I'm weird, but it's people's lack of common knowledge that stuns me more than lack of academic knowledge.


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## that_girl

Some of the best conversations about life, love, history, music, have been with my husband.

He's not a native English speaker either. He learned it in 1st grade. He barely graduated HS before becoming a mechanic and now runs a shop. Never had a problem. He reads a lot.


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## ClipClop

You Married her knowing this. 

She will grow to hate you. And who could blame her.

Never marry someone too far below or above intellectually. But you did. Love her for the things she does that enrich your life elsewhere. And get over your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy

southbound said:


> Just to answer your question, no, my x-wife did not intellectually stimulate me, but I never desired that.
> 
> I have a masters degree and work a white collar job, but in my off time, I'm just the ol' country boy that I've always been. If I went on a date and the woman wanted to talk politics, the economy, or any such stuff, I'd be bored to tears and run for the hills.
> 
> My x's family was big at playing board games, but trivia pursuit wasn't a favorite of theirs. I was always stronger in this than her family, but I didn't care.
> 
> I've noticed that a person can not know who the VP is, but still have a lot of common sense, and that's what i look for.
> 
> It amazes me at the people who have great jobs, make a lot of money, and could talk academics with the best of them, yet coming home to a broken toilet just blows their mind; they have to immediately call the plumber. They couldn't change a tire, manage their own money well, repair their own roof after a high wind, cook a meal, or even have basic knowledge about the process of where their grocery items come from. I had a colleague, that I consider my academic superior, who thought milk from a grocery store was manufactured instead of coming from a cow.  I promise I'm not making that up!!
> 
> I met a guy at a campground once who was trying to light his campfire by touching the flame to a large piece of wood instead of using kindling, and he acted puzzled as to why he didn't have a roaring fire in a few seconds. He also had the wood lying flat instead of in a position to allow air circulation. Wouldn't you know it, though, he was the head of some big company and was rolling in dough.
> 
> I guess I'm weird, but it's people's lack of common knowledge that stuns me more than lack of academic knowledge.


I think that pragmatism and basic skills are valuable and most of the things you mention seem incredibly simple to me too. But those all seem like skills. What does that give you to talk about over dinner? I can see how nightly political debates could get old, but on the flip side, if there isn't an intellectual commonality, what does that leave you with conversationally?


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## YinPrincess

I will say that I *can* be intellectually stimulated by my partner - we can talk about anything from Nietzsche to football, but perhaps one of his greatest interests, and something completely boring to me, is celebrity gossip. He's so interested in their personal lives in addition to their careers. I don't really watch movies or television, so it can get old quick... And wouldn't you know it, my man of few words can go on and on and on about Robert Downey, Jr. I can't even name a single movie he's been in. I'm willing to bet he feels the same way listening to me go on about my hobbies. I don't see it as an issue... Having differences is important. Is it possible that you are focusing on the negatives a bit much?? It's impossible for your wife to fulfill all of your needs. (I would like to add, I really relate to your love of dogs... My husband had no clue how to care for, or interact with my three when we were dating. It's great to see him come home now and play with them, feed them and embrace them as a part of our lives. We even had them in our wedding)!  Think good thoughts about your wife, and maybe stop thinking so much of what she ISN'T. Balance is good!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound

COGypsy said:


> I think that pragmatism and basic skills are valuable and most of the things you mention seem incredibly simple to me too. But those all seem like skills. What does that give you to talk about over dinner? I can see how nightly political debates could get old, but on the flip side, if there isn't an intellectual commonality, what does that leave you with conversationally?


Sure, I suppose it's all about what someone desires. Due to my career, I just am aware that there are different kinds and levels of intelligence, and a lot of things that people put a high price on is just "knowledge." Knowledge is at the bottom of Bloom's taxonomy, and that is where a lot of people stop. They have a lot of knowledge about a lot of stuff and ideas that they have about political issues, for example, that appears to come from analytical thinking, but it's just a philosophy that they have rolled around in their minds all their life, they couldn't "think" their way out of a wet bag.

Being that I'm just a country boy at heart, I suppose I know a lot of people who don't know who the VP is, so to speak, but they can apply knowledge in a way that would cause me to want to be with them in a real-life situation more than the guy who does my taxes.


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## roshyeshiva

CalifGuy said:


> One of the biggest problems I am finding in my marriage of 2.5 yrs is that my DW does not intellectually stimulate me. She has plenty of good qualities, is very well liked by others, is very pretty (although we are having issues as she has gained 20 pounds since the wedding while I have lost 5) but the intellectual stimulation is just not there. Unless it is something reported by TMZ.com, chances are she is mostly ignorant of both current events, history and just stuff that I take for granted that people should know. Yesterday, we were flying from the east coast back to the west coast and when I looked at her like she was an idiot when she was confirming with another passenger that it was a 1 hr time difference and pointed out to her that it was a 3 hr difference, I think she felt stupid and then proceeded to cuss me out right on the flight. That is just one example, but other recent examples would include not knowing who the VP of the country was or who the Governor of our hometown state of California was. Her one defense is always that she is fully bilingual (she was born in a foreign country but came to the U.S. as a young girl) while I am not bilingual. I don't enjoy making her feel stupid but this is difficult for me as my only two other very serious relationships (including a 12 yr relationship with my college sweetheart who was my first wife and a 15 month relationship between marriages) have been with women who were VERY intelligent. Wife #1 was actually trilingual while the other woman had the most perfect diction, graduated from a top university and was a very good writer (although that was not her profession). She and I would actually read in bed to each other, maybe a chapter a couple times a week until we would complete a book, but, that didn't work when I tried it with my wife.
> 
> Anyway, the intellectual stimulation is something I miss terribly as I would be just as proud of my exes when they wowed others with their smarts as I would be when they wowed others with their looks. My wife now, however, is much better liked by others as she is very down to Earth and a social butterfly but while that may serve others well, it just doesn't have an equal effect on me as being intellectually stimulated would have on me. I guess it is what initially drew me to her but now that we've been together three yrs, I am finding the lack of intellectual stimulation to be a very important missing ingredient in our marriage while I am sure that she doesn't think too kindly of me whenever I point out mistakes like the one yesterday to her. Sometimes she loves me for my mind and calls me a "genius" but i don't consider myself even close to that and it just further illustrates the gap there is between us in that department.
> 
> Meanwhile, she is not hesitant to get annoyed with me for not being more of a social butterfly and not being more engaging at family events. I am not socially awkward but I am not the life of the party and if something drags on for hours on end, I am not opposed to pulling out my cellphone for a few minutes to play a game or checkout sports results, etc. So, neither one of us is perfect but more and more I fear that we don't complement each other well and likely should have dated longer before marrying (I proposed after just 4 months and we married after knowing each other for just 10 months...she wanted to get married by 30 and I wanted to put the ghost of my ex gf, who ripped my heart out, behind me). Now, after seemingly marrying for the wrong reasons, it is seeming harder and harder to have a good marriage, yet her only goal in life right now seems to be to get pregnant while that is the last thing I want as we rarely seem to go an entire week without fighting.
> 
> Can a marriage really work if two people are not intellectually compatible? The physical compatibility got us to the altar but now that has worn off I am finding the intellectual compatiblity thing to be huge while she is unhappy with me for not being more of a social butterfly and not being closer with my family.
> 
> Is the answer to just lower my expectations and love and live with what is? She certainly is not hesitant to printout the things about me that she wishes were different and I try to take the higher road in most cases but when I do that all the time it seems to make her believe that she is perfect and I am the one who needs to improve/change so I can only take the higher road so often.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know what you mean, and I also experienced the same things.

However, if you would know that nobody is perfect in this world, and you can focus on other beauty's she has, I am sure you'll see the better picture.

it's all about which eye glasses you wear....


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## Runs like Dog

Wifey is very smart but everything she says comes out critical angry judgmental and leaves no room for any sort of discussion. ROMA LOCUTA CAUSA FINITA, as it were.


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## SimplyAmorous

You definitely married too fast and on the Rebound to overcome the pain of your ex Gf. Your wife sounds a good catch for many men -but possibly not you, for what works for YOU, what your particular interests are & how important they are to you. Sounds you are comparing your ex... your wife is living in her shadow, if I were her, I would find this very very difficult. 

Sad to say, but you almost sound embarrassed of her. Like a Harvard Lawyer marries a West Virgina Hillybilly -She is alot of FUN, gets along well with people, maybe she is even a nice example of the Proverbs 31 woman - but it is not enough, she still falls short. I am sure she feels this, and it hurts. 

Physical attraction , falling in bed too quick can seriously BLIND you to all the other very very very important aspects of a successful marital union, with communication and enjoyment of each other, laughing together, having RESPECT for what the other brings to the marriage, oh how important these things are. 

It clearly sounds as though you feel she is well BELOW you in intelligence, and well below your 1st wife & ex - with their trilinglness, perfect diction & Graduating from a Top University.

I think it would be very hard to be in your wife's shoes knowing you feel this way about her, how she can never measure up to them. 

Do you have anything in common ? 

What is most of the fights about?

Me nor my husband went to any Universitys, so we would likely be on the Hillbilly scale in intellgence ....but hey, that works for us ! I am proud to say -we do have loads of common sense, we know how to laugh at life , some of the crazy things people do, I feel we possess pretty good people skills. Life is good -even if we might not be up on the latest Politics, know every capital in every state, or ever traveled to a foreign country or sat under a Professor at a top University. As for us, we are pretty much on the same page. 

Though I am the reader, the researcher, I love English, he is good with math (I hate math), he hates to read, but as Greenpearl said, I'd say we intellectually grow together- or at least enjoy the way we are - by listening to each other, learning of each other, laughing with each other, If I wanted to read a book every night, a few pages, he would be right beside me , Though watching a good movie is just as stimulating to us, and talking about it afterwards or during. 

Your wife will never be your ex. I think we need to learn to accept our spouses short comings and concentrate on some of their other qualities that maybe we fall short in- that you could admire about her , you said she is more of the social butterfly between the 2 of you...so her communication skills can't be all that bad, others enjoy her. 

One thing I love to do is -- Debate , I enjoy sinking my teeth into different moral dilemmas, etc wtih someone who likes to battle it out and challlenge my mind. My husband has no such interest. He would offer very little comeback. But I have some of my friends for that, I have the internet, there are other outlets to take these things, forums & such. I don't feel our spouse has to be the end all in all of our communicational needs. 

BUt we do NEED to enjoy each, love and respect each other if we want our marraige to flourish & last a lifetime.


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## Palmettogirl

It seems you are the one who is not adjusting to marriage and are making weak excuses and blaming her. Frankly, I think your attitude towards her is abusive and you shouldn't be looking for answers in public. To call her an idiot is abuse whether you like it or not and only feeds your negativity towards her. See a therapist or do her a favor and get out of the relationship.


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## Ursula

I'm the same way, and often have found that the more degrees that a person has, the lower the common sense factor!



southbound said:


> I guess I'm weird, but it's people's lack of common knowledge that stuns me more than lack of academic knowledge.


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## lifeistooshort

Zombie thread...closing.


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