# BS Fog - Regrets with how you handled the A



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I handled the A with very little skill and lost my wife as a result.

Regret #1: I contacted the OM in person and via email. Don't do it - it only validates their existence. 

Regret #2: I didn't read the NC letter my wife wrote. Don't ask why I didn't. I thought she'd appreciate that I "trusted" her. :scratchhead: I was so impressed by her change of heart I felt my old wife was back and would handle the letter accordingly. It was probably more a romantic goodbye letter. 

Regret #3: Letting her see OM "one last time". I was fearful if I didn't do this she would sneak out and do it. I said do it in a public place, e.g. restaurant. Later, I learned she went to the park and they kissed. Stupid stupid stupid me.

Regret #4: Not taking meds or sleeping pills, and thus walking around like a zombie making really bad decisions. 

So.. be a man.. don't get caught in the BS Fog because you are afraid she'll leave. She may leave you but it's better to have your pride if she does. Trust me - the pain of regret is as bad as the pain of betrayal.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

I would not regret having a cheating wife leave me. 

I might regret not establishing boundaries/transparency so the cheating would not occur in the first place.

I would definitely regret marrying that woman.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

I don't think how you handled it was how you lost your wife. I, like you was also in a state of shock. 
Had she been truly committed she could not have needed you to lay all that out for her. If you would have refused the last meeting with OM she would have sneaked out anyway. 
Please don't be so hard on yourself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> I would not regret having a cheating wife leave me.
> 
> I might regret not establishing boundaries/transparency so the cheating would not occur in the first place.
> 
> I would definitely regret marrying that woman.


Fair enough but it doesn't sound like you've been through this experience. There are a lot of betrayed spouses who would have liked to keep their marriage and _families_ intact. 

Our actions during D-Day and initial R are very important. 

I want to encourage people who at those stages to stay strong and wake up out of the fog. I lost a lot of pride by not being more firm and I would hate that to happen to other people. This helps me erase those memories, too.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> I don't think how you handled it was how you lost your wife. I, like you was also in a state of shock.
> Had she been truly committed she could not have needed you to lay all that out for her. If you would have refused the last meeting with OM she would have sneaked out anyway.
> Please don't be so hard on yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate it but I'm a pro at being hard on myself. 

After reading lots of posts and analyzing my own experience, I do think that NC means NC. Letting them see the person again is the worst possible thing could do. All those feelings come rushing back. No, a clear message needs to be sent. Stand tall.

Same with the NC letter. Where was my leadership? My brain? I didn't even review the letter. Who knows what she put in there? I have to live with these regrets for the rest of my life, thinking if I had been stronger then maybe my kids would still have parents together.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do worry too much. Relationships from A's have a 80% failure rate. There are far more good woman than good men, so you will do just fine.

Nobody wants a cheater. She will learn.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Regret #5

If I could do it over again, I would've taken my wife on a vacation IMMEDIATELY after we started reconciling. That way, she is physically unable to meet with OM.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I have no regrets. Julie blew through all the money she stole. I don't think anyone's dating her right now. She's working three different jobs scraping by. All our family and friends know she's a wh0re. 

I just got a promotion. I'm dating a 21-year old nurse. I live in Florida with friends and family. Working on another degree. 

Friends and family agree my ex wife held me back. I mean no malice in this: she hurt me, but leaving me was the greatest gift she could have given to me.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

You were reeling from a big loss. I, too let the OW call and text me and let her see how i was suffering and how she had gotten to me. Big mistake! I feel like an idiot for that now.
But now is the time to be kind to yourself. You are human right? And it's not our fault we didn't find TAM till after everything went down. 
At least you can help others see what not to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Do worry too much. Relationships from A's have a 80% failure rate. There are far more good woman than good men, so you will do just fine.
> 
> Nobody wants a cheater. She will learn.


It's pride, man. 

I feel I failed myself and my children. 

Daddy didn't know how to "handle" the situation and Mommy/WS therefore left for the other man.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ WhiteMousse - happy for you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> You were reeling from a big loss. I, too let the OW call and text me and let her see how i was suffering and how she had gotten to me. Big mistake! I feel like an idiot for that now.
> At least you can help others see what not to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's my point. We need to make sure others don't suffer our fate. 

Is your H still with you? My W is not. 

Don't forget: My kids suffered as a result of my inaction. Not just me.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

mvarney said:


> Don't beat yourself up over this buddy...it's hard and painful and we all know that..people here are going through the same thing...keep reading stories and you will work through it..know you are not alone by any means...know it's not your fault...and remember you will be happy again..it just takes time..god only allows this to happen to the people that can handle it..learn from it and you you will be a stronger person in the end..god bless you man..stay strong


Thanks for your kind words.

My feeling is God would NOT be happy with people who do not stand strong and let others walk all over them. 

_"Pay attention, now! I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves."_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ staystrong. Yes, we are still in the same house. This EA went on from what I see from phone records about 8 months. Am pretty sure is went PA. Problem is, I can't prove it. I want out, I have nowhere to go right now. Need all my ducks in a row. 
And I still have to see OW. She works at my kids school. And although H has sent a NC 2 months ago, he still drops the kids off twice a week. I deal with it by shutting myself off and just focusing on how I can get out with my dignity intact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP, you really messed up.

*Regret #1: I contacted the OM in person and via email. Don't do it - it only validates their existence. * 

_What did you say to him? _

*Regret #2: I didn't read the NC letter my wife wrote. Don't ask why I didn't. I thought she'd appreciate that I "trusted" her. I was so impressed by her change of heart I felt my old wife was back and would handle the letter accordingly. It was probably more a romantic goodbye letter. *
_
Oh, WTF! She had no remorse! Why do you think you lost her after the affair? She was gone even earlier than that!_

*Regret #3: Letting her see OM "one last time". I was fearful if I didn't do this she would sneak out and do it. I said do it in a public place, e.g. restaurant. Later, I learned she went to the park and they kissed. Stupid stupid stupid me.*

_She writes No contact letter (romantic good bye letter) and you let her see OM? What happened to you, man? Did NC letter allow meeting physically?_

*Regret #4: Not taking meds or sleeping pills, and thus walking around like a zombie making really bad decisions. *

_Yes. Most of the BS suffer. But some like Bandit.45, Shamwow had the right fibre in them. 
For me, I suffered, lost 10 kilos. Was moving like a skeleton._


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It's pride, man.
> 
> I feel I failed myself and my children.
> 
> Daddy didn't know how to "handle" the situation and Mommy/WS therefore left for the other man.


Pride is good. You will be fine and so will the kids. Stay involved in your kids life. Find a good woman who can be a good role model for your kids.

If you are a good man and a good dad you will come out just fine.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I regret that I was too willing to accept what my wife told me about her EA and rug swept the issue. This led to a series of false R's. The EA had morphed into a PA and it was all over by the time I had clued in. My wife let me believe it was just an EA for years. The secret killed any chance at reconstructing our relationship.

I also regret not insisting on NC with her toxic single girlfriends who ended up enabling her in her many poor decisions and actually started introducing her to other men in the last year before we actually separated (found this out after the fact).

Looking further back, I regret that when my wife lied to me for the first time years ago (about golfing of all things), I reacted angrily, but didn't do enough to create boundaries to protect our relationship.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> @ staystrong. Yes, we are still in the same house. This EA went on from what I see from phone records about 8 months. Am pretty sure is went PA. Problem is, I can't prove it. I want out, I have nowhere to go right now. Need all my ducks in a row.
> And I still have to see OW. She works at my kids school. And although H has sent a NC 2 months ago, he still drops the kids off twice a week. I deal with it by shutting myself off and just focusing on how I can get out with my dignity intact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maintain your dignity.

Your husband should be the one to leave. NOT YOU. Do you need proof that he had a PA in order to ask him to leave? No. If he has any honor, he will leave upon your request. If he does not, make it clear that his life will become difficult.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I regret that I was too willing to accept what my wife told me about her EA and rug swept the issue. This led to a series of false R's. The EA had morphed into a PA and it was all over by the time I had clued in. My wife let me believe it was just an EA for years. The secret killed any chance at reconstructing our relationship.
> 
> I also regret not insisting on NC with her toxic single girlfriends who ended up enabling her in her many poor decisions and actually started introducing her to other men in the last year before we actually separated (found this out after the fact).
> 
> Looking further back, I regret that when my wife lied to me for the first time years ago (about golfing of all things), I reacted angrily, but didn't do enough to create boundaries to protect our relationship.


Good, get it out, man. 


Yes, we made poor decisions. 

Why did we do it? Fear and lack of self love. 


No, we won't do it again. 

Why? Experience, mastery and abundance of self-love.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ Cedarman. Yeah, toxic friends can be a real problem. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Regret #5
> 
> If I could do it over again, I would've taken my wife on a vacation IMMEDIATELY after we started reconciling. That way, she is physically unable to meet with OM.


Sorry but that wouldn't have stopped her! She would have just got with him when she got back!

I regret a lot of how I behaved but at that time I was emotionally crushed and a complete wreck. It took me 10 months to really start the 180 and get tough with him, I wish I'd be able to do it sooner, but I couldn't.

Anyway OP, It's not your actions after Dday that ended your marriage,
It's your WWs affair that did that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't agree with #1. He is already validated when he send her home wet. So sticking your head in the sand is foolish. That's like saying "If I don't look he's not there". Then you go to bed and find out he's been there.

The others, yeah you messed up.
BUT,,,, here's a lil truth for ya. "SHE just wasn't that into you anymore. If she was, she would still be cake eating".
She was way more into him, then having her cake.

So even if you had done it right your kids was gone.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't know, maybe you feel better thinking that way, instead of she just threw you away.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

There is only one thing I regret...

Not doing the MMSL prior to any of this happening. It probably would have saved my marriage.

Once the wayward gets physical with their OM/OW, they are gone. Goodbye marriage in most cases.

It is pointless to pine over a loss of someone who could treat you like absolute sh!t and smile in your face at the very same time. Yes, I still love my wife and wish that things could have been worked out, but that didn't happen because she wouldn't let it happen, she still wanted to fvck her OM and now other guys. Fine by me, she will learn how she fvcked up eventually, or not. At this point I could give a sh!t what she thinks. They both did me a favor.

A friend told me something about people in our situation. He said of all the people that had their spouses cheat on them, 100% of them we MUCH happier with their lives afterwards. Happier even than when they were married.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

My regret is that I was crying which made me look weak and I was listening to my WS crap about the OM's qualities. I really don't know how to handle. Being with the kids was making it difficult as I was not able to leave them too.

My thinking is that since BS still loves the family and WS so they're in a shock to give any consequence. In fact, I still behaved like a doormat.

The only piece which saved me was I was able to see the chat details and I saw so much of hate for me by both WS/OM. Those chat messages were my trigger for showing the consequence for her action.

One interesting point is that BS has to despise WS, then the consequence ball starts rolling. The chatting mails were boon in disguise for me. I become very cold, stopped talking and filed for D. 

Of-course, I'll never forget help/support from TAM people. I don't have any family support, so I used to look at TAM and read other stories and advise and follow that. It worked and still working for me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I handled the A with very little skill and lost my wife as a result.


You didn't lose your wife because of how you handled the affair. You're looking for justifications to explain away your wife's abandonment, and are sadly heaping the responsibility on your shoulders.

She cheated on you. You are the wronged party. She was gone before you ever even found out about the affair. Please stop beating yourself senseless over a woman who damn sure isn't worth the self flagellation.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Carlton said:


> A friend told me something about people in our situation. He said of all the people that had their spouses cheat on them, 100% of them we MUCH happier with their lives afterwards. Happier even than when they were married.


My IC said the same thing. I will look back on this in 3 years and be thankful it happened. On the other side, very few people who act out their MLC find happiness with their affair partners.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Carlton said:


> There is only one thing I regret...
> 
> Not doing the MMSL prior to any of this happening. It probably would have saved my marriage.
> 
> ...


It's true that the people in our situation are happy afterwards. Today when I look back at my past with my WS, I see a controlling, ever-demanding, it's always about HER person. And today, I go to gym, meet people, have great interactions with my kids/my mom and I'm in the best shape. I'm very happy and relaxed. Yes, I do miss WS but I can't hang on to that forever.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Another regret I have is that after finding out about the PA part of my STBXW's affair I turned into this angry, venting, SOB, 24/7. Just getting out of that stage. I was not good company for anybody during the anger stage - must have been exhausting for anybody listening.

Also didn't help in mediation because I was always sidetracking and venting. Whereas my lying wife was calm and collected because she had been moving and lying about the extent of her affair for years.

Trying to restrict my venting to IC and forums like this. Wish I had discovered this forum years ago - would have been a great help.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Regret#1 - not forcing him to quit his job where OW worked (worked another 5 yrs together)

Regeret#2 - not exposing the affair to friends/family/workplace

Regret#3 - Turning to vicodin and wine to deal with the hurt

Regret#4 - My ONS

Regret#5 - Taking him back after he was going to move out of state with OW and without any heavy lifting on his part


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

staystrong said:


> That's my point. We need to make sure others don't suffer our fate.
> 
> Is your H still with you? My W is not.
> 
> Don't forget: My kids suffered as a result of my inaction. Not just me.


Your kids suffered because of your wife's thinking patterns and actions. She placed a higher premium on a stranger instead of them. I too found TAM too late. I take comfort in knowing that although my timing was off, what I experienced and did was normal. No matter what we think we coulda, shoulda, woulda do, to control a situation the truth is we can't stop people from leaving nor make them do what we want them to do. My WS stayed, and it's been one HELL of a 2 year journey for me to believe again that he has some form of decency and integrity and for him to prove it. Is it worth it? I don't know yet. I will always believe that the lucky BSs are the ones who have had the WSs lay the cards on the table aka leave instead of living a lie. Are the children better off living in a lie or a broken home?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Allowing my WH to rug sweep the EA details, and start R to soon.
Also not letting him know exactly how much it really affected me until 4 months later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

That's me, exactly. I just took it for face value that an 8 month EA never turned PA bc he said so. Even though he had lied about the amount of calling and texting he did, I still believed him.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Are you still with him?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> Are you still with him?


Yes we are still together. But only because I am positive there was no PA, she lives a couple states away, and I caught that crap pretty quickly. I guess my spider senses were tingling  They met on that retarded Evony game and I read the entire Skype convo from beginning to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

How long were they communicating? I am going through that too, where H thinks everything is fine and "let's never talk about it again".


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You didn't lose your wife because of how you handled the affair. You're looking for justifications to explain away your wife's abandonment, and are sadly heaping the responsibility on your shoulders.
> 
> She cheated on you. You are the wronged party. She was gone before you ever even found out about the affair. Please stop beating yourself senseless over a woman who damn sure isn't worth the self flagellation.


If the A is like a drug addiction, then isn't R a chance at rehab?

A = affair = addiction
R = reconciliation = rehab

They might not want to check in, but if you can isolate them from the drug, then maybe you have a fighting chance..

Just a thought. I hear what you are saying.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

@Bee 
A little over a month. I have just been going over the betrayal a million time in my head. I finally decided it was only fair to let WH know I thought we were headed for D. You should definitely have another talk with you H and let him know how you feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Your kids suffered because of your wife's thinking patterns and actions. She placed a higher premium on a stranger instead of them. I too found TAM too late. I take comfort in knowing that although my timing was off, what I experienced and did was normal. No matter what we think we coulda, shoulda, woulda do, to control a situation the truth is we can't stop people from leaving nor make them do what we want them to do. My WS stayed, and it's been one HELL of a 2 year journey for me to believe again that he has some form of decency and integrity and for him to prove it. Is it worth it? I don't know yet. I will always believe that the lucky BSs are the ones who have had the WSs lay the cards on the table aka leave instead of living a lie. Are the children better off living in a lie or a broken home?


Doesn't sound like you have any regrets in handling the A since your WS is still there. I guess I'm in the "I blew it" zone. 

See my post above about A being a drug, R being rehab. Basically, I did not have the presence of mind to stop her from having one last "hit" before she checked in. That's the BS Fog in part and my weakness. Regretting weakness sucks - that's what I want to drive home here.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Sorry for the thread jack...

I also wanted to add that alot of us have probably come here after all of the fireworks, and wish we had come before. I would have done everything alot differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ Venus. I have talked to him. He wrote a NC 2 months ago yet continues to have contact with her and her husband bc she works at my kids's school. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. 
It can't work that way. CA is a no fault state for adultery, so it's not grounds for a D.
I would have to site irreconcilable differences and my atty says it's best for me to leave the A out of it. Keep it very cut and dry. When I file I need to do it with a clear head. Not out of revenge or retaliation. But his refusal to cut off contact has effectively made me pull away mentally.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ staystrong,
was it you or her who initiated D? How long did you try to R? Sorry too for the thread jack. Was getting off topic.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think I should have tried to learn more before I confronted. I was given trickle truth, she only told me what she thought I knew already

I should have exposed. I did not do that right away it cost me time and pain

My wife did not really start on a real R until she though I was going to really walk


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> But his refusal to cut off contact has effectively made me pull away mentally.


Does he know you have seen a lawyer? I haven't taken this step yet, we are still in R.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Here's another mistake we made - which can be categorized as a form of rug sweeping:

We always had good times on family vacations, so during our three years of false R, would just be back from a vacation and we would quickly book the next one. So we got into a mode where we were almost living vacation to vacation. In a sense, vacations are like an affair. No work pressures, all the time of the day for each other, only showing your best front. Seriously this summer we went on a wonderful family road trip which ended in August - my wife and I had many hand in hand strolls beside the ocean. After returning, within weeks, we were back in a marital funk, thanks to my wife and her toxic single "would-be cougar" friends.

Also - interestingly - my wife and I attended the 50th wedding anniversary for my Aunt and Uncle (where they professed their love, etc during speeches) and coming back from that I had this heavy feeling that I wouldn't be able to sincerely say the same things if we had made it to 50. That was the time I told my wife I didn't really feel like doing anything special for our 25th (which was coming up). We had talked, early in our marriage, of going on a golf vacation or somewhere exotic. But I wasn't feeling it. My wife agreed and literally 3 week's later we were separated.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

staystrong said:


> If the A is like a drug addiction, then isn't R a chance at rehab?
> 
> A = affair = addiction
> R = reconciliation = rehab
> ...


Honestly I think the only addiction going on here is your addiction to your ex-wife. She's walked all over you, pretty much classified you as a piece of trash at the bottom of her heels, and you're here on TAM lamenting that you lost her because you handled her affair badly. Do you have any idea how warped that sounds? That's the equivalent of the women who cry that perhaps if they didn't get him angry, maybe their husbands wouldn't have beat the sh*t out of them.

This is an addiction if ever I've seen one, and like all addictions, it's very sad to watch somebody succumb.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

No, Venus, he doesn't know I have seen an atty. Atty said once they know, they start hiding financial documents, etc. Best be sure you are going to do it before you say anything to spouse.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Regrets...Wow, so many!

Regret #1. Believing anything she said about her affair.

Regret #2 Not filing for divorce after DD#1, DD#2 or even DD#3. What the hell was I waiting for. Did I really think we had a chance after all of the damage she caused?

Regret #3 Not kicking her lying, cheating ass out of the house immediately.

Regret #4 Not exposing her cheating to everyone in our life.

Regret #5 Not calling OM's wife after DD#1. I waited until DD#3...stupid!

Regret #5 Not taking away her cell phone, laptop, and Kindle, which I purchased, after DD #1.

Regret #6 Trusting that she went NC after DD#1, DD#2 and DD#3. 

Regret #7, 8, 9...Being a doormat and walking ATM and not the 180 immediately!

...just off the top of my head.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

An affair IS like a drug addiction. 

And R should be like re-hab. But the key is to get them into R before it is too late. Affairs really mess up a the DS's mind. Before long, they are believing their own marital re-writes and even when the love-drug wears off, they are left with the impression that the affair was inevitable (because they now believe their own marital re-write).

It's almost like that old anti-drug commercial:

This is your brains when you're in love with your spouse (shows a normally wired brain).

This is your brains when you have been in the fog of an affair (shows the wires being fried permanently).


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I wish I would have dug deeper sooner but I didnt want to believe it,what did tip me off was she didnt clear her history on here phone.
She was looking at love horoscopes that had the POS birthdate.
Only other regret was letting her come back home after 5 days but at the time she was on the way to the mental hospital.
She was kinda foggy for a little while,when I got ahold of the POS police records and the garnishments on his check did she really snap out of it.
Everything and I mean everything he told her was all lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> @ staystrong,
> was it you or her who initiated D? How long did you try to R? Sorry too for the thread jack. Was getting off topic.


No D yet. Process has not started.

R? Pfft... a week and a half maybe. False R.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

so many regrets:
1) not kicking her out on day 1
2) exposing to family & friends
3) breaking down in front of her begging her to stop
4) not telling WS & OM I was going to his CO on day 1
Many more, but getting angry at myself.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Honestly I think the only addiction going on here is your addiction to your ex-wife. She's walked all over you, pretty much classified you as a piece of trash at the bottom of her heels, and you're here on TAM lamenting that you lost her because you handled her affair badly. Do you have any idea how warped that sounds? That's the equivalent of the women who cry that perhaps if they didn't get him angry, maybe their husbands wouldn't have beat the sh*t out of them.
> 
> This is an addiction if ever I've seen one, and like all addictions, it's very sad to watch somebody succumb.


Is it that cut-and-dried? 

If we experience ambivalence and a rollercoaster, don't they as well? Isn't being cold a defense mechanism?

That's why I think I missed an opportunity by not getting into "rehab". Do you see what I mean?

Yeah, I do still love her. And hate her.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Regrets...Wow, so many!
> 
> Regret #1. Believing anything she said about her affair.
> 
> ...


Ditto.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ Strong, if neither of you have filed are you still thinking their may be hope for R?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) would have not confronted right away in anger/upset and allowed the days of gaslighting to follow
2) would have exposed to OMW right away and maybe even before confronting wife
3) would have made quitting her job a must


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Do I have regrets? Sure I would say all of us BS's do, but what that would mean to each of us would be different.

1)	I regret allowing the process of discovery to break me and that my wife saw it.
2)	I regret not seizing her phone and computer(s) immediately at DD
3)	I regret trying to talk to her before I really knew anything.
4)	I regret trying to see the woman I married in the woman that was before me and trying to rationalize trusting her as I would before, that was silly.
5)	I regret not finding TAM sooner, and I regret not doing the 180 sooner, I wish I had been stronger.
6)	I regret not exposing the affairs sooner than I did.
7)	I regret eternally not finding the inner strength sooner to stand up for myself and have more dignity and pride in the father and husband I was, however bad I might have been portrayed in the job that I did.
8)	There are days I regret trying this recovery thing, even though she complied with all of my demands.

In the end it comes down to a simple choice, and it took me months to internalize this; stay or go. There is pain either way, you just have to decide the pain you can live with. For some it is easy to walk away, for some it is easy to stay and forgive. For some of us no matter which way we went, you will spend the rest of your life saying "what if" to things prior to, during, and the life that you choose. 

I owe what is left of my sanity to this page and the advice given by it's forum members. If there was ever a place to go and feel heard it would be here. Perhaps if I had been listening, instead of whining and crying for sympathy, I could have utilized that resource better.

Peace


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I regret threatening to kill her (and meaning it) if she came home the night that I found out about her treachery. Something primal in me snapped and I don't ever want to be in that dark place again.

ETA: Screenshot time - 1212 posts on 12-12-12.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> @ Strong, if neither of you have filed are you still thinking their may be hope for R?


That would probably only be foolishness on my part. I would like to, but she's moved on. 

I'm out of her country for two months so it can't be initiated if we do an agreed divorce. 

There's the question of the expense as well. I tend to think she should pay the legal fees.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

#1. Not paying closer attention in the beginning when I saw signs.

#2. Not exposing her to HR

#3. letting it drag out for soooooo long. I should have absolutely dropped the hammer in december instead of waiting until the end of Feb/early march.

#4. When he gave me "IDK & IDR" I should have had him move out until he 'regained' his memory.

#5. I'd tell her Husband

#6 would have required him to quit his job IMMEDIATELY after Dday not 2.5 miserable mos later. 
Right off the top of my head


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I dont get why I didnt dig deeper,I could have gotten the phone records,did the VAR and a few other things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> I dont get why I didnt dig deeper,I could have gotten the phone records,did the VAR and a few other things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe best you didnt. I did. Its....haunting.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Ditto @ canttrustyou. My husbands favorite line is idk and Idr. It makes me so mad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Yeah, the truth really hurts.. Going through the phone records was gut wrenching.. One day it was 183 texts and 3 hours of talk. Average day was 130 texts. And he can't remember what they texted about. "anything and everything!". "she was so easy to talk to"
He erased all his messages so I will never really know what was said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I could have stopped it sooner,I do have everything now,at least it didnt go physical.
The worst part was him calling and taunting me for seven months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ Calvin. Why did he call? What did he say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> I could have stopped it sooner,I do have everything now,at least it didnt go physical.
> The worst part was him calling and taunting me for seven months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well I knew in December and 'asked' him to stop. But didnt really force the issue. I wanted him to do it on his own- like a dumbass. I hadnt found TAM yet so I didnt know about EA's and that there was NO way in hell he was gonna stop on his own. NONE. Took me til Late feb-early March after coming to TAM to realize it was do or die for me.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> @ Calvin. Why did he call? What did he say?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


told me he did my wife all over the house,he couldnt describe my house,said I owed him money for the abortion since he got her pregnant,challenged me to fights( he showed up at two of them and ran)
Said my wife was his always has been always will be.
They were hs bf and gf,they didnt have sex back then either,think thats why he was obsessed.
My wife has done all the right things,she's disgusted with herself.
I did take care of the POS,he's homeless now,he didnt have squat to begin with.
He's also a twice convicted felon and trie to escape from jail.
He broke up a couple other families,he'd move in with the wife and once they found out what he was like they'd kick him out,he'd laugh about it.
He tried to get into my home.....never!
He's sorry now.
Even saw him a couple more times in traffic,he ran of coures
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> Ditto @ canttrustyou. My husbands favorite line is idk and Idr. It makes me so mad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesnt say that anymore. But it took about 5 mos after NC for him to really start coming out with it. to drop the IDK's and IDR's. They are the killers of R really. I think it was likely because he was trying to protect his memory of her and do damage control at home. He worried that every new thing I learned would be the last straw so he kept it all in. He was very very wrong. Total malarky. Its where the BS gets all locked up. We are trying to forgive but we dont know what we're forgiving exactly.... impossible really.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Cantrustu, how were u able to get your husband to see it was an EA? Mine doesn't believe in them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ Calvin, I am so sorry that happened. . Glad you are working things out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> Cantrustu, how were u able to get your husband to see it was an EA? Mine doesn't believe in them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THE moment for him was reading "not just friends". He read it and it just hit him hard. Until then he said he was fond of her but it was 'platonic'. Now he knew in his head that it was inappropriate but no I dont think he thought it was an affair until he read the book and saw that he had the signs of an EA. and started to realize he'd put more into that relationship than into our marriage for nearly a year.

And what do you mean he doesnt believe in them???? Did he have feelings for a woman other than his wife???


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> @ Calvin, I am so sorry that happened. . Glad you are working things out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks,my wife almost took her ife over what she did,if that isnt remorse I dont know what is.
We're doing pretty good now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

@ canttrustu, he said he hates what a "friendship"
Did to me, and he let his OW mock me by not defending me. She said "I am sorry our friendship
Caused you pain" as if I was the crazy one. I
Made the mistake of forgiving and believing in him
Right away. A week later he is already making an excuse of
Why he has to meet with her. If he doesn't believe he did anything wrong, he will never be truly sorry.
I think this is why after 2 month of this, I finally got a little pride back and am ready to
Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Instead, he tries tonpretend nothing happened and be extra nice to me and the kids. 
That's not what I want. I want him to stop contacting her all together. 
Guess what hurts most is he told her so
Many personal things about me and the marriage and he even admits he said i was not such a good
Mom. Ouch! 
At least i know where his priorities are and this site helped me grow
Some testicles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Bee2012 said:


> Instead, he tries tonpretend nothing happened and be extra nice to me and the kids.
> That's not what I want. I want him to stop contacting her all together.
> Guess what hurts most is he told her so
> Many personal things about me and the marriage and he even admits he said i was not such a good
> ...


Hey start your own thread and we'll be happy to 'talk' there. Dont want to HJ here.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Oops sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Regrets:

1- At 50 not every experiencing what a BPD/NPD was.

2- After a year of marriage finding out the had never been loyal to any of her previous husbands.

3- Believing I somehow was different than the men in her past and that she wouldn't do to me what she did to all the others.

4-Not listening to what her daughter told me the first couple of weeks of dating- You don't want to date my mom, she chews up men and spits them out.

5-Believing that she was confused when we started living together and she went and slept with her XH 'to see if it was really over'.(Even though she had 3 affairs on him).

6-Not doing anything when she continued talking to him after several demands that she stop.. she just went underground.

7-Caving to her NPD demands to 'keep the piece'.

8-Turning into a complete beta thinking it would help things.

9-Staying with her when her own mother told me I needed to leave her because she is no good.

10-Allowing my self-confidence/self-esteem get completelly shattered.

11-Not really listening to the warning signs when we were dating.

I'll stop now what a freaking fool I was.. I fell in love with an illusion. She completely changed on me once I was 'all in'. What she portrays on the outside to everyone is only a mask.. She is so ugly on the inside. I was so naive. My previous wife and I just drifted apart and it was nothing like this.. I had no knowledge that there were women out there that could the so shallow and self centered.. I feel pretty dumb being 50 and not having this knowledge until I started reading about BPD/NPD. Wow, never again!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sorry but that wouldn't have stopped her! She would have just got with him when she got back!
> 
> Anyway OP, It's not your actions after Dday that ended your marriage,
> It's your WWs affair that did that!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The BH is not responsible for the WW having an affair.

The BH is responsible for how he fights the affair. When all the things that have to be done to have he will have the best chance to come out on top.

It is an up hill battle to begin with. Once a BH starts telling those that have been down the road with success before him that he knows better then them and is going to do it his way you know the Fat Lady is singing.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Wordy as usual... sry.

I’m still trying to keep a mindset that if I hadn’t of done things the way I had, who I am now and where I am (as well as the relationship) wouldn’t be the same. Sort of a butterfly effect. Regret is a strong word... I’ll use it here, but for me it’s more like “crossroad points” my fate could have changed into something else.

Regret #1: Too quick to believe her words and restore my faith and trust in her instead of my own gut. ‘03 discovery of EA? (Inappropriate ‘crush’)... quickly rugswept with a lot of “I’m sorry” without supporting actions. She just learned to tell me pacifying words and cover tracks better. So, later, she went further and deeper with the next crush. I’d regret this much later...

Regret #2: After DD ‘09 (note the six years). I accepted a lot of self-blame for the state of the marriage. Worked on being who she wanted me to be as a husband. “Tried to nice her” back into my arms. Didn’t trust my gut again.. Doh!. So I regret ignoring my gut all those years that something wasn’t “right” with her actions. So many times I just defaulted into believing in her and her words even though it didn’t feel right to my gut. (Hundreds of regrets during this part and the preceding six years when things didn’t add up and I bought her cover story trying to believe in her)

DD#3 crushed my faith in her... underground A discovered; False R. It did however restore my faith in my gut and enabled me to wipe out that other voice in my head that couldn’t believe she was really this nasty. 

Regret #3: After DD#3, I no longer felt anything about her. I wanted to divorce. Put the exit plan in effect. However, I was so wrapped up in needing to know what really happened, I let her suck me back in as she slowly made TT confessions. Unburdened with caring if I hurt her, I was able to unload a decade of pent up hate and resentment and broke her. Also, just when I would be ready to go... out popped another confession and all the new questions in my head that I had to have answered. I continued the emotional abuse until I got answers. The next year was spent putting together “the story” from ‘07-‘09. She still hasn’t filled in ‘03-‘07 beyond boundary/drinking issues. 

Regret #4: This time period also led to huge changes in my philosophy about life and myself... I learned it’s ok to “not be nice”; I found my voice and my balls again but paid a heavy price. I used to be a quite nice guy who believed in the best of people, particularly her.... I turned the other cheek and made excuses for her... No more: Now I watch my back and embraced the dark side of emotions as “just a part” instead of locking it up worried about how she (or others) might perceive me. Didn’t have to be like that. She pushed me into a dark hole... I did what I had to do to survive emotionally.

I sometimes mourn the death of that romantic idealistic nice guy. “I” replaced thoughts of “us”. “Us” is dead. She murdered the naive innocense of someone who loved her: She is not a “crush” anymore.... just a passenger along for the ride. This is my life now and who I am. 

Much, much different than it could have been.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Its where the BS gets all locked up. We are trying to forgive but we dont know what we're forgiving exactly.... impossible really.


Couldn't have said it better myself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I do not recall whether I responded to this or not but it makes me think....
I regret not fighting hard enough for our marriage at the end of it but I felt I had no choice...but I should have stuck around and fought perhaps - might have been able to save the marriage but I was blind-sided by the whole affair and then she threatened to go to a women's shelter if I asked her any questions about what was going on and she said "no contact whatsoever". So I just vacated the marriage - figured if she didnt want it - neither did I. Knowing what I know now - she was (and perhaps still is) in the fog - so I do not know whether it would have mattered or not but I regret ot trying hard enough. Funny I still care about her as a person and know she'll regret what she did.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

theroad said:


> The BH is not responsible for the WW having an affair.
> 
> The BH is responsible for how he fights the affair. When all the things that have to be done to have he will have the best chance to come out on top.
> 
> It is an up hill battle to begin with. Once a BH starts telling those that have been down the road with success before him that he knows better then them and is going to do it his way you know the Fat Lady is singing.


:iagree:

Learned this the hard way.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It's pride, man.
> 
> I feel I failed myself and my children.
> 
> Daddy didn't know how to "handle" the situation and Mommy/WS therefore left for the other man.


I agree with what you've posted about standing tall and enforcing no contact, but your wife failed.

Also, there are no guarantees. If you had done things differently, your wife still may be where she is now, despite your actions.

It is good to learn from your mistakes. It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over them. You did the best you could with what you knew and how you felt at the time. There is no shame in that.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes, she did fail.

You're right, there are no guarantees. Maybe she just lost that loving feeling and it's gone. 

Maybe it's a control issue on my part but I feel as though I had done the things the veterans on this board suggest (exposing, maintaining hard NC, etc.) there's a greater chance she'd still be in my arms again and we would've worked through this ordeal. 

I'm a good man. I'm a good father. I thought I was a good husband and lover. No, I take that back.. I KNOW I was a good husband and lover. 

Life was good until it wasn't.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Doesn't sound like you have any regrets in handling the A since your WS is still there. I guess I'm in the "I blew it" zone.
> 
> See my post above about A being a drug, R being rehab. Basically, I did not have the presence of mind to stop her from having one last "hit" before she checked in. That's the BS Fog in part and my weakness. Regretting weakness sucks - that's what I want to drive home here.


Sorry I came on a bit strong there. I wish I had found TAM 2 years ago. I would have done everything a lot differently. Allow me to borrow some of your words: I handled the affair with very little skill and my husband stayed BUT although we remarried, it's not worth it. My biggest regret is the rug-sweeping I allowed him to do, the trickle truth I allowed him to tell etc., and most of all, remarriage to a remorseless spoilt person. Back then I didn't even know there were words for what I was feeling. The stark reality I have to face every morning I wake up is: Who is the bigger fool? ... Him or me who married him twice? Every day I look at him and he wants to throw a blanket over the past and "forget the past" ... Well, he is my past. Am I to forget some of the past because I really, really want to forget ALL of the past. I feel stuck, I can't move on because the past put a ring on my finger again. 

All I am saying is, one fine day you are going to be grateful you knew exactly what you needed to know, when you needed to know it and completely realize she did you the biggest favor by leaving. Ride this bull, don't let it ride YOU. Check out the newbie thread again by AlmostRecovered.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sitting next to my regret,even though it didnt get physical but they still saw eachother,even though she knows how bad she f d up.
I'm just tiggering out of nowwhere...wtf?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Sorry I came on a bit strong there. I wish I had found TAM 2 years ago. I would have done everything a lot differently. Allow me to borrow some of your words: I handled the affair with very little skill and my husband stayed BUT although we remarried, it's not worth it. My biggest regret is the rug-sweeping I allowed him to do, the trickle truth I allowed him to tell etc., and most of all, remarriage to a remorseless spoilt person. Back then I didn't even know there were words for what I was feeling. The stark reality I have to face every morning I wake up is: Who is the bigger fool? ... Him or me who married him twice? Every day I look at him and he wants to throw a blanket over the past and "forget the past" ... Well, he is my past. Am I to forget some of the past because I really, really want to forget ALL of the past. I feel stuck, I can't move on because the past put a ring on my finger again.
> 
> All I am saying is, one fine day you are going to be grateful you knew exactly what you needed to know, when you needed to know it and completely realize she did you the biggest favor by leaving. Ride this bull, don't let it ride YOU. Check out the newbie thread again by AlmostRecovered.


Yeah, I can't imagine R is an easy thing, either. I bet it's a lot of pain and mixed feelings. I hope you can find real joy again with your H. My opinion: without real remorse, it will grate you for a long time.

For a man, I think it's especially painful to be left. I've read elsewhere that's true. It hits our pride pretty deeply. So for me, I would have at least liked it if WW had realized what she's missing and tried to R. (Real R). But in hindsight I can see that I was displaying wayyyy too much neediness for that to be possible. Thank you TAM for opening my eyes to that.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

calvin said:


> Sitting next to my regret,even though it didnt get physical but they still saw eachother,even though she knows how bad she f d up.
> I'm just tiggering out of nowwhere...wtf?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hang in there, man. 

You know it will pass. You know you've weathered this before.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Hang in there, man.
> 
> You know it will pass. You know you've weathered this before.


Yep,its has gotten way better,its still hits sometimes but CSS has done a lot to repair it all and still working on it.
She's really does understand what she did.
She is pissed at herself.
Everybody hang in there,we all will be good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Getting back to the original intent of the thread, I just want to re-iterate: EXPOSE THE AFFAIR

I let my wife trickle truth her family and tell them on her own terms. 

I made the assumption it would be a big family event with them questioning her and wanting to save our marriage like I did. It was not. 

If I could go back in time, I would expose and send them letters asking them to help save the marriage. 

I don't know if would have worked but it would have given me much needed confidence and control.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yes expose,I gave her a chance to work on things she refused.
Exposing is like bringing a vampire into the sunlight.
It kills it very quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Calvin, I can relate to the roller coaster you are on. Like you I am also working on recovery and forgiveness and on many days I question why I'm trying. Blasted triggers. Are y'all in counseling?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Regrets......I'm still having so many. Iheartlife has talked me out of a few mainly the fantasy of him actually meeting his online love so the rose would fall off the bloom.....I really felt that online affairs can't transition onto real life and felt. "You want her go get her "......that could have backfired. 

Kept him out of house longer so he could experience the void. 

Refused to witness his withdrawl/mourning of online love. 

Made him send me Nc letter first. It was a huge romantic letter....disaster and only wounded me deeper. 

Buying his excuses of,,,we weren't close, you never spent time with me...blah blah. It was the other way around and I never strayed. Never buy their excuses.

Confronting too soon, he admitted to it but also deleted everything on the spot. Guess its better that way, I would have obsessed over the chats.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Calvin, I can relate to the roller coaster you are on. Like you I am also working on recovery and forgiveness and on many days I question why I'm trying. Blasted triggers. Are y'all in counseling?


Yes we are in counseling,third MC,the first was a joke,the second was decent,the third seems to be good.
My wife now knows it was a fantasy and she sees that the POSOM was not at all what he presented him self to be (her ex hs bf) she hates his guts for what he tried to do,there wasnt even any sexting but they did meet a few times.
My wife was scared and ran home after five minutes of seeing him.
Her remorse is true,I almost had her leave for good.I did kick her out once.
Some people do deserve that second chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I regret leaving New Jersey which gave him the opportunity to cheat to begin with. I regret not paying attention to the warning signs while I was gone making a life for us while he was scoring with a skank from a bar. Mainly I regret not leaving his sorry ass 2 minutes after he told me what he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't regret writing my exposure letter but I regret writing, "I still love him and am willing to work things out if..." in my exposure letter. Then again, at the time I wrote it, that is what I felt. Anyway, I've had a lot of time to think these last few months and a lot of that love and all of the respect that I have is gone. At best I feel apathy, at worst, disgust and anger to this day.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Sorry I came on a bit strong there. I wish I had found TAM 2 years ago. I would have done everything a lot differently. Allow me to borrow some of your words: I handled the affair with very little skill and my husband stayed BUT although we remarried, it's not worth it. My biggest regret is the rug-sweeping I allowed him to do, the trickle truth I allowed him to tell etc., and most of all, remarriage to a remorseless spoilt person. Back then I didn't even know there were words for what I was feeling. The stark reality I have to face every morning I wake up is: Who is the bigger fool? ... Him or me who married him twice? Every day I look at him and he wants to throw a blanket over the past and "forget the past" ... Well, he is my past. Am I to forget some of the past because I really, really want to forget ALL of the past. I feel stuck, I can't move on because the past put a ring on my finger again.
> 
> All I am saying is, one fine day you are going to be grateful you knew exactly what you needed to know, when you needed to know it and completely realize she did you the biggest favor by leaving. Ride this bull, don't let it ride YOU. Check out the newbie thread again by AlmostRecovered.


This does not mean you can not get the books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs, by Dr Harley. Then tell WH we are doing the books. He refuses you 180 him.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

My biggest screw up in handling this mess was allowing myself to freak out emotionally.At D-Day, I was outraged and left for a little while to cool down. During that time, my WW deleted LOTS of evidence. If I had stayed calm and investigated quietly, I could have easily accessed her Tagged account and found out everything in one fell swoop. She used the same password, which I had, for EVERYTHING. Instead, I spent weeks digging, and I will still NEVER know the whole truth. ANY NEWBIES READING THIS...STAY CALM ..DO NOT CONFRONT UNTIL YOU HAVE CHECKED EVERYTHING!!!


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I honestly think most of you here are being too hard on yourselves. I'd argue that without sometimes the misteps you make during these circumstances you'd never get the know how and needed personal growth to become a better you. 

I've always taken the position that difficult times in life are always oppertunity to expand upon your own character and become a better individual. Even in my own circumstances, I thank my wife for the abuse of trust and our relationship. Without it who knows, maybe I wouldn't have discovered some of the internal strength I have.

It's easy to look at things negatively and think "what I would do to change...x,y,z" but the truth is, you can't change the outcome of events you weren't a part of the planning. Even if you caught an A before it was really in motion, stopped a single event of sexual intercourse, a kiss, a thought. How far do you go before you are trying to prevent another person from living? 

We all should have learned one thing if any lesson from these types of events. Let life go a little and stop thinking about controlling it. We can only be accountable for ourselves. There are other men and women who are compatible with this outlook, arguably a lot of them. I say that this thread should be "Oppertunites to learn how to handle and grow from circumstances outside our control."


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I handled the A with very little skill and lost my wife as a result.
> 
> Regret #1: I contacted the OM in person and via email.
> Regret #2: I didn't read the NC letter my wife wrote.
> ...


You left out a couple SS.

Regret #5: The time and hope I wasted by not recognizing she was done with me when she started with the other guy. I should have though, girls are generally monogamous with men they are crazy about .

Regret#6: When she cheated one time, it means I can never trust her again.

Regret#7: Expanding my character, will not expand hers.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

I think there is an important distinction between asking ourselves what we can change to become better spouses with more secure relationships and taking responsibility for another's actions.

I learned a great deal from being as honest and critical with myself as possible in the wake of my WS's affair. I never blamed myself for her decisions, but I did focus on what I could change about myself to mkae it less likely that I would go through something like that again.

I was able to become a better partner in my future relationships because I recognized a lot of my own negative tendencies which created distance between myself and my WS. In future relationships I was able to change these patterns and when I did fall into them I was able to acknowledge them, apologize to my SO, and generally communicate better. If I had stopped my analysis at "she cheated, nothing I could have done about," I would have missed out on a lot of opportunities for growth.

Also, I spent a long time thinking about red flags I saw and ignored through the course of the relationship regarding her character and behaviors. Having since been with a variety of partners I have a pretty good sense for people I can trust and people I should take a pass on. 

Almost all of us are flattered when we get attention from the opposite sex and this is perfectly normal and acceptable. But there are clearly people who thrive on this as a primary form of validation - and this puts them in a "high risk" category when it comes to affar potential. You aren't responsible for the choices these people make, but recognizing these people and avoiding them as relationship partners can make your life a hell of a lot easier.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One thing I've learned is to stop beating myself up on the missteps I made when I discovered her A. Of course that's much easier to do because she's remorseful and so far, our R is working out.

The other thing I realized is that when you're in R, missteps can be corrected to some extent, once you get educated. And for those that can't be corrected; you just have to move on. I'll know better if there is a next time.

For those BS's that made mistakes that resulted in a false R, I know there are greater regrets. But the onus is on the CS. The one regret you shouldn't have is that you didn't give the marriage a second chance. (not so sure about third and beyond).

Who knows; I may wake up one day and find myself in the false R category. But even if I do, I can't worry whether it was because I didn't give her enough consequences early on or whether I erred in taking her back. I'll just chalk it up to inexperience and a that I loved her enough to try. And I'll take some solace in knowing that it's all on her.


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