# How do I make my wife understand?



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

My wife and I are in our early 50s. My wife is looking prettier and sexier than she ever has. How do I let her understand that I want to take advantages of these days and enjoy our sex life together. We hardly have sex. She's just not into it. And if we do it's at night when she is not looking hot. I don't want to be selfish. But I want to take advantage of these remaining days of before we get older. How can I motivate her to have sex more and when she's looking great? I know if I go down on her it gets her in the mood. But she will only let me do that after I beg for weeks for sex. Am I selfish?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Selfish to want a deep, intimate connection to your wife? Far more selfish to go through life in parallel tracks and not uniting and sharing your complete self with your spouse.

This is exactly where I was when I turned 50. You can turn this around as I have. It is all about becoming sexually attractive to her. None of this will be her idea, you need to create all of it. Accept it as a challenge. A challenge with a bigger payoff than any you have ever tackled. Everything you do as a couple is better when you are connected. The bad stuff is less unsettling, the good stuff more remarkable when you are facing it all together. 

Read the MMSL and reinvent yourself. Get in great shape, find some new hobbies and be a bit unavailable to her, hang with your friends and keep some mystery about it, acquire some alpha traits and show you are the kind of man people will follow, take over as paternal head of the household, engage and manage the kids with confidence.

Read a few TAM threads and it will come into focus for you. With the empty nest just around the corner this is exactly the right time to redefine our relationships.

There is lots of help and experience here. Good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My grandparents are 93 and they've been married over 70 years. They don't have sex but you've never met a couple more in love or more deeply intimate. They almost don't even need to talk because they know each others' hearts and minds as well as they know their own. I'm in my early 50s and part of me fears the eventual loss of sex . If I had to choose between burning up the sheets for a few more years or building a love like my grandparents have, I'll pick the latter.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Yeah, here we go again with the 'alpha' thng and the MMSL snake oil.. before any real understanding about the relationship, the person, or what is going on. 

Ive about had it with TalkAboutMarriage because of this entrenched, incessant, mindless clique - immediately pawning this juvenile prurient 'advice' off onto all newcomers who express any sexual challenges whatsoever.

ashamedbuthonest - yeah - peek around here, there are some helpful people here. Think through any lifestyle prescriptions that sound more like headgames and singles scene tactics with a healthy dose of salt.

Good luck.... peace...out...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To motivate your wife to have more sex do as folllows.

You be the cause of her loving her life and feeling happy.

You express that you have a need for a sexual marriage.

Make it clear that if you are meeting her needs, you expect her to meet your needs.

And, stop begging immediately.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

No you're not selfish.

All you have to do is seduce her .

Women become very conscious about what they perceive as flaws on their body
Tell her that she's looking really hot and MEAN it , make her feel as though she's the only woman in the world that you lust after.
Give her public shows of affection when other women are around.

Touch and tease her.
Make her feel exactly how much you want her.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

That's fair anotherguy. I've been around this world long enough to know that talk is cheap. I have lived this and it saved my marriage. Kaye is obviously a shock jock and that sells books. I get that. There is a perspective in his work which is powerful...in spite of some of his juvenile tendencies.

Here's is the most powerful idea in his book---Be willing to lose it all. If it is important enough to pursue with your whole self, put it all on the line and have faith in where that takes you.

As to the 93 year old couple---my formerly LD wife asked me enthusiastically last night "how long can we do this, until we're in our 70's"? Yes, dear and then some.

Anotherguy---these people don't show up here because they had a fleeting thought about spicing up their life. They are reaching out from their core and trying to fill an emotional hole in themselves. I choose to help with all that I know to be true from experience.


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

Woman and wife jumping in! 

Although there may be some validity to the psychology of MMSL, it does get whipped around TAM alot, and gets toted as a be all answer. Unfortunately and mistakenly no one seems to seek out the route cause affecting the wife. In this particular situation you have a woman in her 50s in the throws of menapause. What men do not seem to comprehend is menopause and its resulting symptoms can make sex terribly painful for some women (who wants to engage in something that is painful). Many symptoms of Menopause are embarrassing and an obsticle many woman in their 50s don't care to address, in order to have a healthy sex life. The added problem is the medical community does not offer alot to these women. 
I see lots of posts on TAM highlighting what is available to men..... Viagra (and others), the big T... these things don't exist for woman. Sure there is some estrogen replacement for woman, but estrogen replacement is a dangerous game for some women and has direct links to cancer (breast and other). I am not saying that this is ASHAMEDBUTHONEST's situation, but these things don't seem to bare as much weight as the Alpha/MMSL and they should. 
That being said it is never a selfish act to want to make love to your wife and your wife should realize that it is the greatest gift she can give you. 
Although I don't really subscribe to the ALPHA thing a spouse should never be reduced to begging for anything. You need to stop begging, be matter a fact about the importance about sexual touch and wrap it up in all that good stuff....about how sexy she is...and why she does it for you...(so awesome to hear BTW)


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I actually found myself in the OP's situation. I took advice from TAM about relationship books, including MMSLP. That book wasn't of great help to me as I already thought that what the author espoused was just common sense. Men that keep themselves in shape, looked sharp and were confident about themselves, would be attractive. Not a big secret and it applies to both males and females. The book is not a bad guide if you need to up your attraction and feel confidant about yourself, or need to be reminded that you shouldn't let yourself go (there by your relationship too). 

Yet a relationship is not all one sided and to think that just being attractive would solve all relationship issues is a very shallow idea. The readings that were effective in bringing back the romance for both DW and myself were actually recommend by a female member of TAM. They were HNHN and LB by Harley. I feel these books were much better guide for a loving two way relationship. I would recommend these to the OP, in a minute.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It worked for me and we're in our mid-40s: buy her 50 Shades of Gray and a rabbit vibrator.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> It worked for me and we're in our mid-40s: buy her 50 Shades of Gray and a rabbit vibrator.


funny. 

:smthumbup:


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I agree that those two books are great resources anchorwatch. The problem for me was my wife was completely happy with the status quo. She actually constructed our sexless life together...it was her initiative that took us there and I acquiesced. The last thing she wanted to do was read books I recommended to make changes and fix a problem that she did not own or even recognize. Even today, after MC she still can't say what her unmet needs might be. I had the HNHN book on her nightstand until it was overdue at the library and she read enough to know she didn't want to read it and own any of the process. That was the beauty of fixing myself.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

ashamedbuthonest said:


> ...And if we do it's at night *when she is not looking hot...*


and dont think that she isnt picking up on your attitude. I promise you ...she is.

How about you? Are you _hot_ too?

Its a 2 way street if you both are thinking like this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.


:iagree:


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
> Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.


The only thing I would add to that is when both of you flood with oxytocin after intercourse it is like an addiction and you can't keep your hands off of each other for two days. THAT, makes it easier to find deeper intimacy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> I agree that those two books are great resources anchorwatch. The problem for me was my wife was completely happy with the status quo. She actually constructed our sexless life together...it was her initiative that took us there and I acquiesced. The last thing she wanted to do was read books I recommended to make changes and fix a problem that she did not own or even recognize. Even today, after MC she still can't say what her unmet needs might be. I had the HNHN book on her nightstand until it was overdue at the library and she read enough to know she didn't want to read it and own any of the process. That was the beauty of fixing myself.


Then you needed to go about it on your own. You had to destabilize the relationship in order to create another. Risky, but worth the rewards, as the relationship you had was not fulfilling.

I was lucky she was willing to change with me and join in on our recocilation, as she felt the same way about where the relationship was heading. I find it exhilarating now, as empty nesters, starting our romance all over again


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

ashamedbuthonest said:


> My wife and I are in our early 50s. My wife is looking prettier and sexier than she ever has. How do I let her understand that I want to take advantages of these days and enjoy our sex life together. We hardly have sex. She's just not into it. And if we do it's at night when she is not looking hot. I don't want to be selfish. But I want to take advantage of these remaining days of before we get older. How can I motivate her to have sex more and when she's looking great? I know if I go down on her it gets her in the mood. But she will only let me do that after I beg for weeks for sex. Am I selfish?


I have been in a relationship with the same woman for 23 years and married for 15 years of those 23. We have 2 kids, 13 and 10. 

Firstly don't beg it is needy and demeaning. It also affects your own self esteem and confidence negatively. As you can see from my join date I have been here a bit and can say with the utmost confidence that a few months on these forms have worked positively on my own marriage and on my own behavior. It has not been a bed of roses though. Sometimes two steps forward and one step back. I will say it feels a bit like a Phoenix rising from the ashes as I am burning my/our old behavior patterns to the ground. I read MMSL, and yes a lot of it is common sense and was a good reminder/refresher about what parts of myself I had sacrificed in order to achieve what I thought was a good marriage. I was wrong. That was a shock. I am for the first time in a long time having meaningful conversations with my wife. This is helping. Last Saturday we talked for over 4 hours and she admitted some very difficult things to me about how she felt. I had made her feel safe enough to talk to me. Trust is coming back. So cool. It has taken along time to create these knots in out marriage and I suspect that it will take a long time to untangle. I am realistic though as I need to see an effort from not only myself but from her too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If sex is your goal, the only "win" involves people getting naked. If intimacy is the goal, talking, shopping, going for walks, holding hands, making out, laughing, etc are all "wins". You can set yourself to lose most days or to win every day.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

One of the things in HNHN which has proven invaluable has been spending 15 hours a week together. In order to get there it does include shopping and the types of things we used to split up to just get done. We always start each day with a 30 minute conversation and coffee...dog walks...dinners together...private time...common hobby...and you about have it.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If sex is your goal, the only "win" involves people getting naked. If intimacy is the goal, talking, shopping, going for walks, holding hands, making out, laughing, etc are all "wins". You can set yourself to lose most days or to win every day.


How about setting yourself up to win evrryday with both intimacy AND getting naked! 
1)As other have said, NO begging. If you are in a relationship where begging is required to have your needs met, Why are you still there.
2) Correct yourself as much as you can., Despite some of the negative comments regarding MMSL- this can be a useful tool.
3) Sort out what your limits are. Don't make threats you aren't really willing to keep and be willing to set hard boundries that are not negotiable
4) Build up your comfort with yourself and detach enough to realize , if the needed changes don't occur, you can and will move on
5) If there is not a natural transisiton into the behaviors you need, have a frank discussion of your needs and listen to hers. Ask if she is willing to make the changes necessary. If yes, perhaps seek some counseling, if not, see an attorney, complete the 180 and see if being served changes her perspective.

Life is too short to be in an unfulfilling relationship. You need to do your part; but, your wife must also participate.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If sex is your goal, the only "win" involves people getting naked. If intimacy is the goal, talking, shopping, going for walks, holding hands, making out, laughing, etc are all "wins". You can set yourself to lose most days or to win every day.


That does sound fun.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether one's relationship is unfulfilling is entirely a matter of perception. You can have everything and still be miserable or you can have very little and be content.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think I'm confused, why is she "hot" during the day, and magically not "hot" at night? Why is she not hot at night time? What changes, she isn't wearing makeup? She's not dressed up?

Do you both work? I'm guessing in your 50s, you aren't retired yet, so - how realistic is it to have sex during the middle of the day? (Which, I'm not saying can't be thrilling and spice things up a little, but - can your budget afford you taking off from work to do that?)

So - is the issue more she turns you down, or that she turns you down except for at night, when she isn't "hot" and thus it doesn't count/isn't worth it. 

Also - did she used to be into sex? Have you had to beg your whole marriage? If not - perhaps she needs to have her hormones looked at.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StoneAngel said:


> The added problem is the medical community does not offer alot to these women.
> I see lots of posts on TAM highlighting what is available to men..... Viagra (and others), the big T... these things don't exist for woman. Sure there is some estrogen replacement for woman, but estrogen replacement is a dangerous game for some women and has direct links to cancer (breast and other).


StoneAngel,

I think the medical community has a lot more to offer women than most women would like to believe. Talk to your ob/gyn. If they can't help, ask around for referrals and find someone who can. There is plenty of help available to anyone who can bring themselves to admit that they need it


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> and dont think that she isnt picking up on your attitude. I promise you ...she is.
> 
> How about you? Are you _hot_ too?
> 
> Its a 2 way street if you both are thinking like this.


That is a very MMSL thing to say. And I agree with you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> To motivate your wife to have more sex do as folllows.
> 
> You be the cause of her loving her life and feeling happy.
> 
> ...


Far more true than it may seem at first reading. Loving life and feeling happy (about herself) are far more important than they get credit for. Women are often led to believe that they will love their lives and feel better about themselves by being independent and getting jobs and making and spending money and bragging to their friends about it all but all this doesn't always lead to to the desired result.

As her husband, you are the one person who is in the best positions to effect love and happiness. What did you do when you were in high school to win your girlfriend? How about young adulthood. I'll bet you poured on the charm like nobody's business, wouldn't take no for an answer and never let anything get you down. This worked then and it works now. Tell your wife how good she looks every time you see her. Tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her every time you get the chance. Don't allow yourself to be affected by her lukewarm feedback, turn it on and keep it on. If she can't stand being hugged and kissed and complimented all the time, let that be her problem


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, did you talk to your wife about what is bothering you? You can talk to her candidly without looking weak. It all depends on how you approach it. 

I do have to ask though about your wife's appearance: was this something that happened very gradually or did she come out of the blue and decide she must work on her appearance? Has she become more distant with you lately and is she spending more time with friends than she is with you? Did the amount of sex you used to have drop suddenly or was it gradual?

I'm asking these questions only to get a better idea of what is going on with her. If your marriage has always been good, then it's probably related to menopause; however, it is prudent to check if she's seeing someone on the side - especially if she's suddenly became more secretive with her phone, e-mail or is going out on the town a lot more without you.


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> StoneAngel,
> 
> I think the medical community has a lot more to offer women than most women would like to believe. Talk to your ob/gyn. If they can't help, ask around for referrals and find someone who can. There is plenty of help available to anyone who can bring themselves to admit that they need it


I am not disagreeing with you. My point was only that far too quickly is the advice given in support of MMSL to husbands. In this particular age category it should be offered that many medical things may be occurring with his wife and that the husband would benefit from doing some research and have a serious candid discussion with his wife. 
There are resources available for sure, but much like some males who suffer from ED, for some women the humiliation factor can be hard to overcome (both to seek out treatment and to use whatever remedy is offered) this requires the encouragement of a loving spouse.
As an example, some women in menopause face softening of the ligaments which hold the uterus and cervix in place...Called a prolapsed cervix. These organs basically sit inside the vagina (which they should not) This results in terrible pain and an inability to control the bladder...(Not fun when you piss yourself while having an orgasm). The remedy, a plastic ring manually inserted into the vagina.. fixes the pissing oneself but really doesn't help much with the discomfort during intercourse. 
That being said, medical reasons or not his wife has an obligaton to meet her husband's needs. I was not saying that menopause is a valid reason for a sexless marriage..it is not! There are paralyzed people who have wonderful fulfilling sex lives...(but as a couple they have to figure out how get around the hurdles.) This couple needs to figure out what their particular hurdles are and his wife has an responsibility to be an active party in it. 
I am only saying that Husband's with wives in menopause need to be aware that there may be a whole lot more going on and for advice givers to wrap it all up under MMSL is shortsighted. Remember guys that a male's sexual disfunction or ED is very visible, a woman's is not (her parts happen to be on the inside) so just because you can't see her SD doesn't mean it is not there.


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## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

Thank you all for your comments. When I am able to focus I will read all your replies. Thank you all.


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