# Giving it another chance...will counseling help?



## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

I approached my husband in a very calm way, about 3 weeks ago, telling him that I wanted out of the marriage. I agreed to leave, and told him I didn't want anything from him, except my pets, who I love very much. He's very emotionally, verbally abusive, and controlling. I've taken all I can, and decided that I finally felt strong enough to leave him. I was so proud of myself for this decision, and I felt free and happy for the first time in so long. Then, he confronted me about 2 days after I had been sleeping in the guest room, saying that he really just wanted me to give him another chance. We've never been to counseling, so he wanted us to try that before just "giving up" on the marriage. I gave in because he threatened to not only take my pets, but also to make me financially responsible for everything we have together since I was the one leaving HIM. I broke down, gave in, and we are starting counseling today. I've told him that I'm giving the relationship 6 months. He gets this one last chance. Because I'm going into the counseling at this point, still very much wanting to leave him, will it even do any good? Will the counselor be able to sense or tell that the marriage is probably doomed already? Will counseling even help??? So hurt, confused, and desperate for change... :/


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he's showing you he's changed and wanting to work on things by blackmailing you into staying?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Yes, I already thought of that. I think his bargaining is just another way of bullying me. Well, I don't think, I KNOW it is. I just don't know what else to do, other than pack up and leave. Which, I suppose I could have done, but I am afraid he might hurt himself, or me, if I did that. I don't want it to get any uglier than it already is... and I feel that, if nothing else, the counseling might help him let me go. I don't think he sees or understands how much he hurts me, and this may help him see that. By us communicating in a safe space, maybe he'll be able to see how deep my scars are, see that we just can't be together, and let me go.....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

His threads are baseless. The courts don't care who wants out of the marriage when making financial awards. The pets are no more his than yours he doesn't get to keep them just because he says so.

You're allowing him to intimidate you and badger you and coerce you even as he is "asking for another chance".

Tell him you won't consider reconciling until he stops with all the manipulative tactics and threats, and only then will you consider trying to work on what's broken.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Separating and working on things while living apart should be an option. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Thanks guys. It's so much easier said than done. I felt like the strongest woman on earth when I was able to finally tell him that I wanted to leave him. I felt empowered and self confident. And with one conversation with him.... it's like I was helpless all over again. I HATE that I let him manipulate me again. I just felt so backed into a corner. I actually let him make ME feel bad for HIM! We actually just got back from our first session. I was completely honest with the counselor, and told him about the verbal abuse, and that I basically tried to leave my H, and he said that he would try to exert financial power over me if I didn't at least try to work on it by going to counseling. I could tell the counselor was trying to get my H to open up and admit to manipulation, but of course, H was silent through most of the session. And when asked how he "felt" about something... would instead tell counselor what he "thought" about it... not felt. After this first session... I'm not any more hopeful that we can work this out. And I'm hoping H feels similarly... sigh......


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know you want to leave. So take this fake reconciliation time to get your exit plan together. And dont let him talk you out of it again, you know that there is no point. Turn yourself to stone when dealing with him.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know you want to leave. So take this fake reconciliation time to get your exit plan together. And dont let him talk you out of it again, you know that there is no point. Turn yourself to stone when dealing with him.


You're so totally right. And yes, I actually have already started saving more money in a separate account, and gathering legal knowledge and resources. I need ammunition in that department so he can't pretend to know more than me about those things. Thanks so much guys... really.


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