# Soon-to-be-ex has a very serious boyfriend



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, I have been giving out the advice here but I could really use it.

My stb-x has a boyfriend. That in of itself doesn't bother me - I have a girlfriend and we are both moving on - that's fine.

What has me unnerved a bit is how serious she is. THey are talking about spending the rest of their lives together (read some emails) and she told him, "I love you" and all that. I mean, even my gf and I just kind of laugh (she's been divorced twice) in that we couldn't possibly have that depth of feeling yet. Some people say "rebound" - whatever. . .maybe they will live happily ever after - who knows.

Besides that, she has had him and his daughter over "a lot" since I left the house (I think since November - we separated May), according to my kids. . .they said about 1x/month (whether that's a lot is relative). I kinda thought all experts said to wait a year before meeting the children. 

Okay. . .that's where I am definitely confused and conflicted. . .I must admit I get the uneasy feeling of a strange man moving in on my family.

I must admit I am really fighting the urge to tell my children something like, "I'm sorry you have to watch your mom replace Dad so quickly." and say something like "She was the one who didn't love me" but I know that's wrong. I guess it is. . .I don't know.

I feel like they deserve more than the "pat" explanations of "Mom and Dad just didn't get along." 

I just feel so compelled to give them my perspective and explain everything (at least the 12 year old) but I guess I shouldn't.

It's so weird *to me *to be replaced that quickly. Honestly, if it was a fling or casual dating, I don't think I'd be as unnerved. And part of me, a lot of me, did want her to find someone to make her happy so I don't think it's all envy. . .maybe a little, but not all. I suppose there was an affair going on for a long time (emotionally) before this. I know this gives me leverage in the divorce - they are in a hurry to get rid of me and me and my gf are in no hurry and she thinks I have got shafted on many points. Talking to the attorney on Thursday but what do you all think about what to say the kids about her "new man?"

Do I keep quiet and only answer questions? My kids are boys - 12, 7, and 1.

This is one of the reasons I am opting to spend 1 on 1 time (if possible) over group time with them. . .so I can more deeply bond with them over their new stepdad waiting in the wings.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I have kids - 13, 11, 9, and 6. My W brought the OM over for dinner every day for a week THE WEEK AFTER she served me with a restraining order (since pulled due to no evidence - it was all lies). When I got back in the house, I found out from the kids he was over for the week. Since the 1st of the year the W has moved out and is now living with the OM. So, when she has the kids they see her "friend".

My W is on the fastrack and makes your W look like she's in the slow lane. I opted to only respond to the kids if they had questions about what was going on. I will explain everything once child cutody is finalized and the divorce papers are signed. Anything else could jeopardize my standing with the court. I do not say anything negative about the W or OM. I just ask the kids when we eat and when I tuck them into bed if they have any questions and tell them that they can talk to me and to always tell the truth.

yes, I had the same feeling. It's like the W is hell bent on erasing ANY trace of me in her life as well as the kids lives. She IS replacing me - like ASAP - with the OM. I know he was just the one available and that what they have will not last. He is not someone she would even usually consider. As my daughter puts it, "multiple chin dude" drives a truck and has a big gut. She wanted to know why anyone who drives one would need to spell out the make and model on the windshield...lol.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

My ex introduced his girlfriend about a month and a half after the divorce. My husband met my daughter after 2 months of dating (4 months after the divorce). Its all a personal preference thing and unfortunately you don't get to have input into her preference.

Just answer questions as they come up and don't start the conversations as you may put them on the spot and make them uncomfortable.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Any sensible parent who has the best interest of their child in mind will WAIT until the divorce is final before any introductions are made.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Help239 said:


> Any sensible parent who has the best interest of their child in mind will WAIT until the divorce is final before any introductions are made.



I agree!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, lol. . .one of the sweetest moments I'll ever remember with my oldest son was him telling me that Mom had a friend that was going to take them all skiing.. In a moment of weakness, I asked, "Are they dating?"

He looked uncomfortable at giving me an answer (I shouldn't have put him on the spot but I did) and he said, "Yeah I guess so. . .but Dad. . .I have to say. . .he's kinda overweight!!!"

LOL!!!! 

That was about the sweetest salve to any wound I have ever had applied at that particular moment. I had all these feelings of inadequacy and it didn't cure them but it was a sweet, innocent salve. I'll always love and cherish him for that moment.

Yeah, I know what all the experts say and me and my gf are abiding it, not only for the kids sake but actually for her sake. She said she got very attached to another man's kids one time and they broke up and it broke HER heart. 

I said, "Wow . . .you know. . .I never thought about that."

Help,

Well on the advice of my attorney (not advice - just a legal blessing and counsel), I basically am coming in and out of my house. I am frustrating her with my physical presence if nothing else (and cared for her when she had her herniated disc episode - it seems to be controlled right now).

It really throws everything into a tailspin with the mediated custody agreement (may be out the window). I must admit I am feelign "competitive" now and want 1 on 1 time with each of my children vs. "group time" where I mother them. I meet with my attorney tommorrow to discuss the feasibility of this.

In the meantime, on my attorney's blessing, I am coming in and out of the house as I please to have access to the kids and frustrate the opposition. In a way, it's actually great. . .I sleep down the basement and they are both camping with me tonight. They mised that. I tell them it's not permanent all the time but I am enjoying them while I can. My attorny only said to not create mischief when I was there - go about my business but as a property owner, I have a right to full access. A restraining order is unlikely he said and it would be thrown out if she tried.

What's really surreal about all of this is my stb-x for years strutted around saying, "you don't respect me! you don't respect me!" and I kept pleading I did, I did. I really did - I put her on a pedestal in m mind and was kind of puzzled by the whole accusation, bewildered.

Now I don't respect her at all. . .I'll be taking the kids overnights now. . .one at a time, with all her protests, and with my attorney's blessing and advice.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

With my W it was "you're not giving me space" so I decided to give her a week with the kids last Oct while I worked and checked into a motel. Big mistake. i found out later she spent 3 of those days with the OM and the kids at a theme park. So, on one hand she wanted time to think yet on the other she was already checked out and cheating.

Yes, the restraining order was thrown out but it took 3 weeks. no judge is going to approve a temporary order only to "unapprove" it immediately afterwards. In the eyes of the court, it is a good idea to give the parties some time and cool down - whether or not the accusations are true. In this county the opposing counsel did NOT have to give my attorney notice of the filing so I was not represented in court when the temporary order was granted for 3 whole weeks. That's 3 weeks WITHOUT my kids....and all based on lies. I just wanted to warn you that's all.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Help,

I hear you and understand you. 

My atty. canceled for tommorrow - got a reschedule in 2 weeks. Everyone is saying it won't last. . .who knows. . .they are college sweethearts. . .I know it's the old fear leads to anger and anger to hate thing now.

I am definitely at "anger", mainly because she has fooled me into thinking I have to take all 3 or none of them when the 12 year old has different fathering needs and wants then the 7 year old then the 1.5 year old.

I doubt she would get a restraining order on me. . .it's possible though. My atty. and I didn't completely rule it out. I have the baby every Tuesday and that means finding and paying for an extra day if she does that.

I feel like she robbed me of time with the older 2 boys when they need their father the most.

I gave her a verbal pasting this morning and she just sat there and looked off in the distance and took it. . .looking almost smug that she brought the boyfriend in to replace me. What a great foundation for a relationship. I refuse to let my gf get put in the middle - she's all apprehensive about it going well.

I got a book today on dealing with anger in divorce. . .it's kind of unnerving to know I am only about 1/2 way through at 9 months separated.

It's weird - you kinda know the anger is there and it's not healthy but it's really there - it's very real. I mean at this point, my rx'n (unhealthy) is to ride her butt. . .be relentless. . .until I get what I want with the kids and property settlement. . .yet I do know that I have to compromise on some points. The other guy will have more time eventually with the boys than me. I have to accept that.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Help239 said:


> As my daughter puts it, "multiple chin dude" drives a truck and has a big gut.


OMG she just wtfpwnd her mom with that one. That's a backdoor verison of "What the hell is my mother thinking".


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

In the case of your kids I think you should just answer any questions they have within reason. I've never been a fan of telling kids things that could askew their views of a parent or using them as weapons against a spouse, unless it puts their safety at risk (ie drugs or history of violence). By all means, feel hurt or angry and express it to her, but try to keep the kids' minds healthy. My wife has her OM and we're still living together due to financial restraints, but the kids don't need to suffer because of the problems she's causing me.


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

I find my self in a similar situation. The STB-X and I are living in the same house, and she's dating him seriously and has been for the past year! However, my daughter and my STB-X's family really don't know what's going on. She said she'll tell them about 2 months after the divorce so it looks like she just met him recently. My daughter (11) is no dummy. She sees the look on my face when my STB-X leaves the house happily and with the spring in her step. It's unbearable, even now. But I won't badmouth my STB-X to my daughter or her family. My daughter still needs her mother in her life and I fear she would resent me if I stole that from her, just to make her look bad, and make me feel better. The very thought of her boyfriend stepping into my daughters life levels me. He's cheated on his X in the past, not only with my STB-X but another woman as well. My STB-X is a selfish, inconsiderate, lying cheat and it makes me sick that my daughter will spend half her time with them. But I won't keep her from her mother. Soon enough, the truth will present itself and my daughter can have her own opinions when she's older. It sucks now (royally) but everyone talks about the "karmic wheel" so we'll see. Good luck with your situation.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, a friend of mine said to me yesterday all I should worry about (and it's true) is that he's good to my children.

I think there's something "primal" we all deal with from a male standpoint when this happens. . .he's essentially stepfoot (successfully) into my territory - my house, my family. It's very deflating. I'll admit I am reacting with male "territoriality."

But the cure has seem to be to just spend more one on one time with my kids. Their presence is like a salve and immediately cheers me up. I"ll stop playing nursemaid with my time with them and I'll come in and out of the house as I please until it settles, just unannounced.

I'm sure that will "deflate" him and her a bit but that's really not the point. . .the point is to bond with my boys more deeply and thoughtfully vs. just "keeping them alive" when I have them.

In a way, it's liberating - I can choose a life now of no more "Mr. Mom." . . .well, not entirely true. . .I Have the baby on Tuesdays and do "mom things" like changing diapers and feeding. . .but to me, that's just Daddy stuff anyway. But the older ones, I don't have to cook and clean for. . .just hockey games, sports, fishing. . .taht sort of thing - let her do the nursemaiding.


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