# Need some advise



## Raven44 (Oct 26, 2012)

Hi. I'm Greg. I just signed up and I hope this is in the correct forum. 

My wife seems to always want to start a fight and I have no clue why. I know she doesn’t trust me from an incident in 2008. I moved out and moved back because I wanted to make the marriage work. Before moving back home, which I was gone only 3 months, we agreed to start with a clean plate and let the past just die. Well that worked for 2 months. As time went on she continued to bring up the past, etc. and I would politely ask to leave it alone and move forward. Well Easter day 2012 I told her to just leave because emotionally I could not take fights anymore. Well she came back from our daughter’s house in July 2012 and I again explained that we are not fighting, period. After dealing with depression for many years I finally decided to go to my doctor because I wanted to kill myself and actually had a day set and suicide letters written out. Thankfully my neighbor called me the morning of Sept 8th, which stopped my plans and that is a good thing. Well the wife still does not get it, she still interrogates me almost daily, she tries to start fights almost daily etc. etc. I actually took time off of work to get ME straightened out and give time for the anti-depressant medicine to start working, but she still tries to fight. It seems to me that she also needs some doctor help, but to hear it from her she has no problems, LOL could have fooled me. Anyway, I’m still moving forward with what is needed to make me better and I do that with the medicine and I have an appt with a physiologist and will go from there. It just makes it a lot more difficult with her being the way she is, she doesn’t provide any support at all to me, she doesn’t understand what I’m going through and how her fighting effects me and how it tries to drive me to just stopping my treatment. However, I’m determined to get better and today I am happy and look forward to a life and a future, something I could not admit just 2 months ago. Sex in our marriage is minimal and to be honest and sounds odd, I have almost zero desire to have sex with her. We are both 44 and we have been together since the age of 15, been married 26 years, 3 grown daughters and 4 grandchildren. So if anyone can provide some advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you. 

Greg


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

First, regardless of what is going on with your wife, it is really critical that you take care of yourself. It's really encouraging that you are seeing a physiologist and getting help for depression. Make that your #1 priority, and if it means you have to move out again to take care of yourself, do it.

It's hard for me to know what your wife's words mean. You are vague about what happened 2 years ago that you agreed to never talk about. (I have a hunch is was an affair, but that doesn't really matter.) What may be going on is that while your wife logically felt it made sense to not talk about that painful episode when it was fresh, it has been nagging at her for 2 years. She may have unanswered questions, and (even if her logical brain doesn't realize it) she may not truly be able to move on until she has a full accounting of your actions from 2 years ago. This isn't uncommon, and one of the common pieces of advice on this forum is that rug sweeping (not dealing with hurt/ betrayal) is never a good idea. 

Your wife may also be scared out of her wits that you are going to harm yourself because of your depression. After all, you had a plan to kill yourself. If I were in your wife's position, I think I would watching every move you made. You say "she still doesn't get it," which again I take to mean that you haven't answered all of her questions. 

Finally, you raise the possibility that your wife is also struggling with her own issues. I think all you can do is to encourage her to go to counseling on her own. You could frame it quite positively, as in "Wife, I realize that things have been very stressful in our lives for the past couple of years. I am concerned that we both need to take time to talk through our issues in a safe space. I am going to start seeing a therapist, and it would mean a lot to mean if you would also go to a counselor. It would give you a chance to try to talk about your concerns."


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## Raven44 (Oct 26, 2012)

Couleur said:


> First, regardless of what is going on with your wife, it is really critical that you take care of yourself. It's really encouraging that you are seeing a physiologist and getting help for depression. Make that your #1 priority, and if it means you have to move out again to take care of yourself, do it.
> 
> It's hard for me to know what your wife's words mean. You are vague about what happened 2 years ago that you agreed to never talk about. (I have a hunch is was an affair, but that doesn't really matter.) What may be going on is that while your wife logically felt it made sense to not talk about that painful episode when it was fresh, it has been nagging at her for 2 years. She may have unanswered questions, and (even if her logical brain doesn't realize it) she may not truly be able to move on until she has a full accounting of your actions from 2 years ago. This isn't uncommon, and one of the common pieces of advice on this forum is that rug sweeping (not dealing with hurt/ betrayal) is never a good idea.
> 
> ...




Thank you. I agree taking care of me is priority #1. You are correct. It was an affair, and emotional affair. I met a lady at the gym. I lost a LOT of weight and it was noticed by this lady at the gym, my wife never complimented me. Because of my emotional affair I moved out due to the everyday fights and her using me as a punching bag, etc. I will have to actually write about when it all began in 2005, it's a long story, but it's important to know all the details. It's not just one's fault, it's both. But she just got home so I won't do it now. I try to avoid anything that might trigger a fight.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Raven, welcome to the TAM forum. When did the fighting begin? Did it start for the first time only seven years ago or, rather, was her anger easy to trigger throughout your 26-year marriage? So far, you seem to be implying that everything was great between the two of you until 2005. Is that true?


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## Raven44 (Oct 26, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Raven, welcome to the TAM forum. When did the fighting begin? Did it start for the first time only seven years ago or, rather, was her anger easy to trigger throughout your 26-year marriage? So far, you seem to be implying that everything was great between the two of you until 2005. Is that true?


 after an accident I had in 2005 is when I drifted a little. You see I was in hospital and I had ask her to spend a night, well she cussed me out to no end, why the F you want me to spend the night, got nothing to do , and its boring. That alone blew me away cause we always stuck together. Then when I finally got home, bed ridden 3 months, she would argu and scream I hate you you f'ing bastard, wish you would die, that just blew me away even worse. since then it's been down hill. I never understood why she acted thayt way and never got a clear answer from her. She would rather go off with this man she worked with along with his wife. Who knows? Well after gaining a lot of weight I joined a gym at the wife request. Lost 90 lbs, started looking good. Met a lady and we became workout partners that was suppose to last a week, it lasted 3 1/2 years. we feel in love, mostly emotional connection, we never had intercourse as I'm blamed for. she knew abuut the lady,but later found how we felt towards each other through and email I left openedd. Since it's been HELL even though I do not speak to any other ladies at all I still get blamed. I want to move forward and wife stays in the past. Although I'm getting help for me, it's hard because she is a constant thorn with no suppport.


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