# opinion please



## marriedbutalone1 (Aug 5, 2021)

I am a 54 yo woman. I own and run a very busy bakery that leaves me with very, very little time. I am blessed to have a large, beautiful home. I single handedly managed the home (cleaned all, decorated, etc...) without any help while running my business often working 7 days a week and even went a full year and a half without a day off. I am in a sexless marriage but my husband is a nice man and "tries" to help as he is able. My life is out of control- no intimacy (yes, he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...), My work life balance is crazy and quite honestly I feel like a robot just working away and taking care of everything. I have no martyr syndrome either- I would love to say that I have loads of help and how blessed I am in that regard. 
My husband is 14 years older and of a generation where he is used to woman being "homemakers" and is rather clueless in my opinion about how much I do and frankly shows little appreciation. My husband is 68 years old and is present at our bakery most days of the week. He has been semi retired and is angry and frustrated by it as well BUT does not want to sell it because it is generating a good revenue. He will say "you work hard" but his actions speak loud to me. I ran my home in excellence until about 5 years ago when I opened my business and literally worked so hard I can not even tell you. Physically, exhausting, grueling days baking commercial batches of cakes with not enough staff and massive orders to fill (and I mean ,massive-over 1,000,000 (yes a million) in sales with an average $24.00 ticket. My husband cares for all of the yard work (which he loves as a hobby) and does immaculately. Why does any of this matter? Little by little my house started to get backed up. Anything that mattered went by the wayside....laundry stacked up, bad habits formed and I got seriously behind. To the point, covid became a "lucky break" in my world because I got to close for 3 weeks and do what? Clean and purge the mess that snow balled over the years prior. My husband does not do wash and tends to be a "pile" kind of guy. He made my home kitchen basically into a home office with computers and papers etc. Against my will. 
I have expressed to him how overwhelmed I feel and asked that he please keep the home tidy with me. One of the things I have asked for is for myself NOT to wake up to a sink full of dishes. Repeatedly he will make a meal for himself and leave the pan and dishes in the sink. He will say the dishwasher needed to be run. He will say-that he collected dishes from around the house (coffee cups, dog bowl etc...) and he will fill the sink and let the pan soak over night in soapy water ever single time. He does help with unloading the dishwasher exclusively and this is his contribution to maintaining our household. (no vaccum, laundry, cleaning, etc...) I have told him it feels terrible to me to wake up to sink full of dish for a variety of reasons...1. I feel overwhelmed by my chores 2. It feels like he doesn't care to please me 3. It now feels disrespectful 
4. It represents to me how much needs to be done and makes me feel inadequate that I can not keep up with everything. 
My husband does not understand why this is upsetting to me and feels soaking a very dirty pan in soapy water makes it easy to clean and can not see past this point. This is just one of many scenarios that are representing his lack of care and attentiveness to my needs. 
(Might I add we are also prepping for a move and I am the orchestrator of this facilitating all contractor repairs, purging, recarpeting and setting up a new home in my scraps of spare time which are scraps...)
He says I am fortunate to have a husband who "soaks the pan" making clean up "more efficient". He says my thinking is "crazy". 
I am starting to think about leaving this marriage as I feel misunderstood, taken for granted and devalued. 
Opinions please? I think I am a hair from cracking.


----------



## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

I don’t have time right now to post much but reading your story reminded me of this article. You should have your husband read it after you see if it applies to your situation. He doesn’t realize there are things that really matter to you and some day you will be fed up and be gone. He will be left wondering what happened.









She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink


It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.




www.huffpost.com


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Oh, I'd be cracking alright... his freaking head.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds horrible! There is no way I'd be running the entire homefront while he was semi-retired, with his dinosaur ideas and NO sex, wtf?

I'm sorry, but I have to ask what is in this marriage for you? 

You say you're no martyr, but that's exactly what you're doing. Something has to give before you have a nervous breakdown. You two need to have a serious come to Jesus talk.

Honestly, though, I really can't see an upside to this. What does he do for the team?


----------



## Emily Bronte (Mar 21, 2021)

I sympathize with you a lot because I know what it's like to run both your own business and a home, where nobody ever gives a hand. Your husband acts as if he was your child, not a reliable partner. I have struggled with messy, infantile and ungrateful husbands on two occasions so far and know for sure that since they don't have a problem with untidiness and clutter, it will always be you to clean up after them. I have made scenes, set ultimatums - nothing worked for more than 2 weeks. Therefore I have seriously asked myself (and recommend that you do the same) - which is more important: to feel angry and undervalued by my husband but still have him in the picture (probably hiring a domestic helper) or divorce him and live in an-apple-pie-order home, calm and relaxed, but feeling lonely from time to time. Especially at the age of 68, no positive changes may be expected from him. As for your lacking sex life, since decades have passed like this, I don't envisage any positive changes there either. 
To sum up, you and I may not have the martyr's complex but definitely suffer from workaholism, too much patience and the desire to take care of everyone and everything. Such people are usually taken for granted and live their lives with the nagging feeling of futility.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I can only offer my perspective on this: I could not and would not be in a sexless marriage to a man like this. He devalues you on multiple levels. Why stay??? Other than doing yard work, which he does because HE enjoys it and leaving dirty dishes to soak in the sink, it doesn't sound like he's bringing any presents to the party.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you have a turnover in your business of circa twenty five million then surely you can afford a housekeeper?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> If you have a turnover in your business of circa twenty five million then surely you can afford a housekeeper?


 this get in help , you can ever put it down as a cost against your business , 
your husband is doing something and I AM NOT GOING TO TRY and say a 68 year old should be doing more ,
he is retired and still helping out , he is not going to change now , 

he is what he was you loved him at some point , part of you still does and some times a bird in the hand 

now lets see what you did not cover 


marriedbutalone1 said:


> My life is out of control- no intimacy (yes, he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...),


you say your life is out of control in what way 
we have a lot in common I work 7 days a week and had not a day off not even Christmas day in years , 
but I do what I can and if i need help I get extra in 
if there is something your husband can not take on get someone to do it for you , 

NO intimacy this got brushed under the mat fast 
(yes, he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...)
so it is he that stopped the sex , do you know why ?
DO you want to feel loved again do you want to experience sex again , 
is this the real reason for your post , you can get in help for all the other things you can even get in outside help for the sex if your open to that type help , even an escort boy like I am not going to tell you to have an open marriage but if hubby is not doing his job there are others that will , 
but love you can not buy sex you can get if you want to feel a man against your body , bla bla bla 
but I think your missing love in your life , someone that makes you feel young again 
you are living with daddy and if anything happened to daddy if he got sick you would be up set 
in the same way if he was you 30 year long room mate , you have drifted into companions at best 

a side of you might be looking at do you want to be daddys carer when he is older lift him and what not 
big question is LOVE where is it , is there still love , do you want to experience love again , 
,


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My advise to you being that you seem well off is to either hire a cleaner/ housekeeper or hire someone to help run the business. Or both f you can afford it. 
You say he is at the bakery most days of the week, do you mean he works there?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Yes, get a cleaner, for the time being. Since your marriage is finished, don't waste the little spare time you have cleaning after your useless husband. At 54, you can still have fun in your life. I suggest you divorce your husband, sell your house and business and enjoy your life. Good luck!


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

marriedbutalone1 said:


> He made my home kitchen basically into a home office with computers and papers etc. Against my will.





marriedbutalone1 said:


> he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...


Was your husband successful in his own life ? Or was he "average" ? The psychology seems to say that your husband is disrespecting you because he feels "second-rate" beside you.......

Honestly, though..... you are 14 years younger than him. At 53, I built in my solarium to add an extension to my studio. This was done with the help of one young man, with me holding timbers on the ladder......

Today, at 69, I can guarantee that I could not even lift one of those timbers, much less walk up a ladder with it.

In this respect, I can feel his pain..... I work full-time, only to earn about 2/3 of market rate for those of my qualification level. Of course, this is not "age-discrimination"......I really don't know how I'd feel if my wife were 14 years younger and running a million-dollar business....


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You could certainly hire someone to help with the house chores which could help that issue.

However, as for being in a sexless marriage, that would be a deal killer for me. Your life is ALL work and there's no intimacy. 

Is this a deal killer for you? 

Is this really how you want your life to be on a day to day basis?

If not what are you prepared to do about it?


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

marriedbutalone1 said:


> I am a 54 yo woman. I own and run a very busy bakery that leaves me with very, very little time. I am blessed to have a large, beautiful home. I single handedly managed the home (cleaned all, decorated, etc...) without any help while running my business often working 7 days a week and even went a full year and a half without a day off. I am in a sexless marriage but my husband is a nice man and "tries" to help as he is able. My life is out of control- no intimacy (yes, he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...), My work life balance is crazy and quite honestly I feel like a robot just working away and taking care of everything. I have no martyr syndrome either- I would love to say that I have loads of help and how blessed I am in that regard.
> My husband is 14 years older and of a generation where he is used to woman being "homemakers" and is rather clueless in my opinion about how much I do and frankly shows little appreciation. My husband is 68 years old and is present at our bakery most days of the week. He has been semi retired and is angry and frustrated by it as well BUT does not want to sell it because it is generating a good revenue. He will say "you work hard" but his actions speak loud to me. I ran my home in excellence until about 5 years ago when I opened my business and literally worked so hard I can not even tell you. Physically, exhausting, grueling days baking commercial batches of cakes with not enough staff and massive orders to fill (and I mean ,massive-over 1,000,000 (yes a million) in sales with an average $24.00 ticket. My husband cares for all of the yard work (which he loves as a hobby) and does immaculately. Why does any of this matter? Little by little my house started to get backed up. Anything that mattered went by the wayside....laundry stacked up, bad habits formed and I got seriously behind. To the point, covid became a "lucky break" in my world because I got to close for 3 weeks and do what? Clean and purge the mess that snow balled over the years prior. My husband does not do wash and tends to be a "pile" kind of guy. He made my home kitchen basically into a home office with computers and papers etc. Against my will.
> I have expressed to him how overwhelmed I feel and asked that he please keep the home tidy with me. One of the things I have asked for is for myself NOT to wake up to a sink full of dishes. Repeatedly he will make a meal for himself and leave the pan and dishes in the sink. He will say the dishwasher needed to be run. He will say-that he collected dishes from around the house (coffee cups, dog bowl etc...) and he will fill the sink and let the pan soak over night in soapy water ever single time. He does help with unloading the dishwasher exclusively and this is his contribution to maintaining our household. (no vaccum, laundry, cleaning, etc...) I have told him it feels terrible to me to wake up to sink full of dish for a variety of reasons...1. I feel overwhelmed by my chores 2. It feels like he doesn't care to please me 3. It now feels disrespectful
> 4. It represents to me how much needs to be done and makes me feel inadequate that I can not keep up with everything.
> ...


Hmmmm lots of stuff.

So much going on. Well, I wouldn't want to marry you because I wanted a wife....not someone who was at work every moment of every day who was never home and we never had any time together.
I'd divorce over that or I wouldn't have ever stayed in a relationship with you during dating once I saw that quality time (my top love language) was not possible with you and career is more important to you than family. He seems ok with it so we'll proceed.

Your age difference (it may work when you are younger but now that you are aging....your different stages of life are kicking it) seems to be catching up with you. He is elderly.....he is of retirement age. You are still younger.....probably still have more energy and have many years still to work. This age difference will probably make a bigger gulf going forward. His sex interest drop off may just be his age and dropping hormone levels.

Sexless marriage? That is pretty big. If he no longer wants to or can have sex....that could be a legit reason to walk away if he won't seek medical help over it or attempt to fulfill your physical needs. If you lovingly tell him about it and how you feel and if he won't change or do anything you've become roommates. Walking away may be an option then.

If you kindly asked him if he would do the dishes and told him it would be a big help to you and you'd greatly appreciate it then I'd expect any normal person to agree. If you aren't being a bossy, belittling jerk when you "tell" him to do it then I'd say he is wrong to just not ever do it. It would be rude. Not divorce material but definitely an issue.

I don't know you if you've had it already but if not you both need some really open, honest, kind and respectful discussions about all of these issues where you both tell exactly how you really feel, what you really want. Find out if these are solvable....you need sex, you need intimacy, you would love more help at home. Let him say how he feels. If you both are willing to try and work on meeting each others needs then maybe you have a chance. If neither wants to change regardless then maybe the end should come.

Like I said. If my wife worked 7 days a week, was hardly ever home then we'd be on the path to divorce regardless. I wouldn't live like that. She'd have to scaled down to 40-50 hours a week or sell the business. If not I'd not want to be with her. I wouldn't sign up for that life.

I don't know how young and vibrant he is but 68 is getting up there for some. They slow down, sex drops, they start getting old and feeble. Maybe he is still young and vibrant and strong....I don't know.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Your business is 5 years old?

How did it start? Did the two of you sit down and decide to do it together? Was it a small side-gig of yours that suddenly took off quickly and overwhelmed you? 

What you're seeing is that you can't do it all. You can't have it all. You have to prioritize what is important to you. So what is more important to you, your husband or your 5-year-old bakery? Your husband is now retirement age. He's probably ready to back off and enjoy his golden years. Can you slow down and enjoy with him?

Here's a hard truth. If you leave your marriage, you could very well not only lose your man, but also your business. Half of that business is his. Can you afford to buy him out and still keep the business? Your income at the moment is almost certainly higher than his. In your state, you could very well be on the hook for alimony to him.

My opinion? Sell the bakery, and get your life back in balance. If it's as lucrative as you say, enjoy your early retirement.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Your business is 5 years old?
> 
> How did it start? Did the two of you sit down and decide to do it together? Was it a small side-gig of yours that suddenly took off quickly and overwhelmed you?
> 
> ...


 very true many good points and at times it is worth asking what is it all for , and there is no word of kids ,


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@marriedbutalone1 I am 64, so not much younger than your husband.

I work from home and when I take a break from work (screen breaks are good for you!) I vacuum, I load and unload the dishwasher, I load and unload the washing machine. Though my wife draws the line at letting me use the washing machine as she doesn't trust me with it! 

But your husband could do more, really.

Also, get some hired help in.

By the way, is that a photograph of you? Might be worth changing it to protect your anonymity.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Though my wife draws the line at letting me use the washing machine as she doesn't trust me with it!


Same here but also the vacuum.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

marriedbutalone1 said:


> I am starting to think about leaving this marriage as I feel misunderstood, taken for granted and devalued.


LOL....you're only* NOW* "starting to think" about leaving this worthless ass-hole?

What took you so long?

I would have booted his worthless ass out the door YEARS ago.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

marriedbutalone1 said:


> I am a 54 yo woman. I own and run a very busy bakery that leaves me with very, very little time. I am blessed to have a large, beautiful home. I single handedly managed the home (cleaned all, decorated, etc...) without any help while running my business often working 7 days a week and even went a full year and a half without a day off. I am in a sexless marriage but my husband is a nice man and "tries" to help as he is able. My life is out of control- no intimacy (yes, he has not wanted sex for years-decades actually...), My work life balance is crazy and quite honestly I feel like a robot just working away and taking care of everything. I have no martyr syndrome either- I would love to say that I have loads of help and how blessed I am in that regard.
> My husband is 14 years older and of a generation where he is used to woman being "homemakers" and is rather clueless in my opinion about how much I do and frankly shows little appreciation. My husband is 68 years old and is present at our bakery most days of the week. He has been semi retired and is angry and frustrated by it as well BUT does not want to sell it because it is generating a good revenue. He will say "you work hard" but his actions speak loud to me. I ran my home in excellence until about 5 years ago when I opened my business and literally worked so hard I can not even tell you. Physically, exhausting, grueling days baking commercial batches of cakes with not enough staff and massive orders to fill (and I mean ,massive-over 1,000,000 (yes a million) in sales with an average $24.00 ticket. My husband cares for all of the yard work (which he loves as a hobby) and does immaculately. Why does any of this matter? Little by little my house started to get backed up. Anything that mattered went by the wayside....laundry stacked up, bad habits formed and I got seriously behind. To the point, covid became a "lucky break" in my world because I got to close for 3 weeks and do what? Clean and purge the mess that snow balled over the years prior. My husband does not do wash and tends to be a "pile" kind of guy. He made my home kitchen basically into a home office with computers and papers etc. Against my will.
> I have expressed to him how overwhelmed I feel and asked that he please keep the home tidy with me. One of the things I have asked for is for myself NOT to wake up to a sink full of dishes. Repeatedly he will make a meal for himself and leave the pan and dishes in the sink. He will say the dishwasher needed to be run. He will say-that he collected dishes from around the house (coffee cups, dog bowl etc...) and he will fill the sink and let the pan soak over night in soapy water ever single time. He does help with unloading the dishwasher exclusively and this is his contribution to maintaining our household. (no vaccum, laundry, cleaning, etc...) I have told him it feels terrible to me to wake up to sink full of dish for a variety of reasons...1. I feel overwhelmed by my chores 2. It feels like he doesn't care to please me 3. It now feels disrespectful
> 4. It represents to me how much needs to be done and makes me feel inadequate that I can not keep up with everything.
> ...


Since you guys are doing so well financially, can't you hire someone to clean for you? I mean I don't think it'll help with the devaluation issue, but it will certainly help lessen the burden on you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yet another example of why marrying a much older person isn’t wise. 
i think this business isn’t making you happy, nor is your husband. Sell the both and get what you can for them.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Your business is 5 years old?
> 
> How did it start? Did the two of you sit down and decide to do it together? Was it a small side-gig of yours that suddenly took off quickly and overwhelmed you?
> 
> ...


This would be great, but HE doesn't want her to sell the business. He likes the money.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@marriedbutalone1, you sound busy, and your H sounds quite lazy. It's great that he enjoy gardening and yard work, but if that's really all that he does, that's not really fair to you, since you work still. And, I imagine that running your own business full time amounts to working the equivalent to about a week and a half to 2 weeks in ONE week, right? My parents had their own business when I was younger, and I run 2 very small, very part-time side businesses. I know how busy life can get. 

Have you tried sitting your H down and telling him how overwhelmed you feel, and that you feel like you just can't do this anymore? Like, not tell him in anger or frustration, but just tell him calmly? Maybe open with how much you appreciate how much he does around the yard, but then tell him that you absolutely need more of his contributions around the house. If he's not willing to listen or step up to the plate, then maybe it's time for a trial separation, or a non-trial separation, followed by divorce. People generally don't change unless 1 of 2 things happen: they wake up and realize that they themselves need to grow up, OR they're threatened by their spouse leaving them. In the former, the change is usually lasting because it's for themselves; in the latter, the change usually isn't lasting because it's a last-ditch effort to try to hold their marriage together.

My spouse was like that too, and there was also an age difference, although it was 8 years, not as much as you and your H. My H was the same way though in not wanting to contribute. My last ditch effort was to tell him that if he wasn't able to or didn't want to contribute, that I would help him find an apartment. He started contributing on a regular basis until his mother stepped in and told him to stop. H is now an XH, and when I told him I wanted a separation is when he found the tune and words to the "I'll Change" song. I didn't listen, as I knew it would only be temporary.


----------



## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

From what you wrote, sounds like you should sell the business first, get divorced after, and then work on finding a guy you really like, maybe move somewhere to open a smaller business if you want, just for fun and keep you busy.
life is short no time to waste


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> This would be great, but HE doesn't want her to sell the business. He likes the money.


Doesn't matter.

Look at it this way. Take him out of the picture and her situation not only doesn't get better it gets worse. She'll still have the bakery, the house chores still won't be done, and on top of that the yard work won't happen. The source of the problem is the bakery. Sell it, or hire managers to lower her workload -- if it can handle the higher payroll.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Doesn't matter.
> 
> Look at it this way. Take him out of the picture and her situation not only doesn't get better it gets worse. She'll still have the bakery, the house chores still won't be done, and on top of that the yard work won't happen. The source of the problem is the bakery. Sell it, or hire managers to lower her workload -- if it can handle the higher payroll.


Honestly, she might as well divorce him if she's not happy, since either way it results in selling the business and splitting assets. 

The man is a complete dud otherwise. If she thinks he's not pulling his weight now, that will only get worse when she's at home, he'll expect her to do even more while he continues on as usual. Not to mention the sexless marriage for decades... she's doing all of that and still wants to have sex with him, but he can't be bothered.

Ok, so at his age, his equipment probably isn't functioning, but what has he done about it? When you marry someone much younger and more vital, if you don't keep up with them, you can't expect them to age early to slow down to you.

If it was a man working that hard, and his wife was useless, I'm sure the men on here would be urging him to dump her and find a younger, hotter woman who'll sex him up.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Good lord, that poor guy has to be miserable. 

Just get your own place and do whatever you want and let him be. 

Let him have his own place so if he wants to leave dishes in the sink for a week he can do so in peace. 

If you two want to have a Saturday night dinner date out on the town now and then do that. 

Otherwise run your business and take care of your house however you want. Leave him out of it and let him do his own thing as well.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“My husband is 68 years old and is present at our bakery most days of the week.”
He does all the yard work.

He’s damn near 70, does all the yard work and shows up at the bakery to work every day and he’s totally lazy? I disagree.
And he may not be able to get it up. I’ve got some compassion for the guy.
She had to have known there was a possibility he’s get old and limp when she married him.

Could he pleasure his wife in other ways? Absolutely, but she sounds tired, resentful, and unhappy. I doubt I’d want to feel up a chick like that either. 

OP, you’ve got too much on your plate. See about hiring a person to take the headache or sell the business. It’s ruining your life.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> “My husband is 68 years old and is present at our bakery most days of the week.”
> He does all the yard work.
> 
> He’s damn near 70, does all the yard work and shows up at the bakery to work every day and he’s totally lazy? I disagree.
> ...


He does the yard work b/c he likes it, she hasn't said what he does at the bakery. She also said it's been decades since they had sex. 

I get that the men might have a knee-jerk reaction if they're guilty of some of this, but dude, you're not being reasonable here at all. What would your advice be to OP if she was a man?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> He does the yard work b/c he likes it, she hasn't said what he does at *the bakery*. She also said it's been decades since they had sex.
> 
> I get that the men might have a knee-jerk reaction if they're guilty of some of this, but dude, you're not being reasonable here at all. What would your advice be to OP if she was a man?


he bakes? Just pulling your leg.

decades with no sex? Damn, that’s her own fault. Shoulda ditched him years ago.

All I’m saying is the guy is at the bakery nearly every day. He does the yard work. Apparently they’re doing well with the bakery.
For what purpose? It doesn’t seem to make her life better in any way.

what all should he do at 68? 
he’s not had sex with her in DECADES. So is that part really a big deal?

I would definitely have advised to divorce years ago. Not NOW!!!!! He will get half the business she busted her ass for, and apparently he’d be deserving of some of it since he’s there nearly every day.

Hire a maid and get some **** elsewhere.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> He does the yard work b/c he likes it, she hasn't said what he does at the bakery. She also said it's been decades since they had sex.
> 
> I get that the men might have a knee-jerk reaction if they're guilty of some of this, but dude, you're not being reasonable here at all. What would your advice be to OP if she was a man?


My advice to a 68 year old retiree who’s wife is harping and browbeating him to be her maid while she works 80+ hours a week and comes home all bitter and resentful and hasn’t touched him in “decades”, Would be to get out and get his own place where he can leave the dishes in the sink and watch the game in his underwear with a bowl of chips in his lap and a beer in his hand and not have to listen to her b1tch. 

There ain’t no minor children in this house that need 24/7 care and support from 2 parents.

They are full grown adults in their golden years and there is no reason for either of them to have to endure this torment. 

My advice for BOTH of them is to get out, do your own thing, quit yer b1tch’n and let the other live in peace.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> he bakes? Just pulling your leg.
> 
> decades with no sex? Damn, that’s her own fault. Shoulda ditched him years ago.
> 
> ...


Fair enough.

However, would you advise her to outsource the sex too?

I don't see any positives here, I'd rather divorce, lose half the business and live alone than deal with that BS.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> However, would you advise her to outsource the sex too?
> 
> I don't see any positives here, I'd rather divorce, lose half the business and live alone than deal with that BS.


Yes, but she clearly likes the business more than him.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, but she clearly likes the business more than him.


I can't say I blame her


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> I can't say I blame her


Lol. I’m sure he has some good qualities. She married his old ass, after all.

The business is her whole life. She’s not happy about that.
Her husband doesn’t screw her, she’s not happy about that.

I say get rid of them both.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol. I’m sure he has some good qualities. She married his old ass, after all.
> 
> The business is her whole life. She’s not happy about that.
> Her husband doesn’t screw her, she’s not happy about that.
> ...


So we agree  

Life is too damned short to go through it miserable. Maybe they both like the money and can't simplify, who knows? Anyway, when OP is able to read, she can make her decision.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> Honestly, she might as well divorce him if she's not happy, since either way it results in selling the business and splitting assets.


Oh sure. Throw the baby out with the bath water. This is the exact kind of sentiment that I advise young men to avoid marriage over. Even if he makes it to retirement, she'll just pull the plug when the social security starts.

How about one thing at a time? Start with the true source of the issue - her completely off-kilter work/life balance. Fix that, and then see how the marriage is with a saner schedule.



TXTrini said:


> The man is a complete dud otherwise. If she thinks he's not pulling his weight now, that will only get worse when she's at home, he'll expect her to do even more while he continues on as usual. Not to mention the sexless marriage for decades... she's doing all of that and still wants to have sex with him, but he can't be bothered.
> 
> Ok, so at his age, his equipment probably isn't functioning, but what has he done about it? When you marry someone much younger and more vital, if you don't keep up with them, you can't expect them to age early to slow down to you.


The man is almost 70. He still keeps the lawn immaculate, and is at the bakery almost every day. That is a far cry from a "dud". 



TXTrini said:


> If it was a man working that hard, and his wife was useless, I'm sure the men on here would be urging him to dump her and find a younger, hotter woman who'll sex him up.


If it was a man working that hard, more likely is his wife would be on here complaining that he was never around and her needs weren't being met. Followed by the usual suspects chiming in with how horrible he is for ignoring her.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Oh sure. Throw the baby out with the bath water. This is the exact kind of sentiment that I advise young men to avoid marriage over. Even if he makes it to retirement, she'll just pull the plug when the social security starts.
> 
> How about one thing at a time? Start with the true source of the issue - her completely off-kilter work/life balance. Fix that, and then see how the marriage is with a saner schedule.


There's no baby in the bath at all the way she describes it. 

I completely agree those young men should avoid marriage if they think they're above making extra work for their wives while also offering no intimacy The trouble is, while women are expected to work too, men are still comfortable leaving women responsible for the majority of the housework.

The LEAST he could do is clean up after himself and do his own laundry, but he doesn't even do that. It sounds like she's had her fill and needs drastic change. 



DownButNotOut said:


> The man is almost 70. He still keeps the lawn immaculate, and is at the bakery almost every day. That is a far cry from a "dud".


I was referring to the no sex for decades = dud. 



DownButNotOut said:


> If it was a man working that hard, more likely is his wife would be on here complaining that he was never around and her needs weren't being met. Followed by the usual suspects chiming in with how horrible he is for ignoring her.


And people would tell her she's ungrateful and should have known better before marrying a man like that if she wanted more quality time.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are running yourself ragged at the business. As a fellow business owner, I can say that this busines part is clearly on your shoulders. Maybe you have a busy period for 6 months to a year, but it if it goes on for 5 years, you are not staffing / hiring correctly.

You are in an extreme circumstance and in no position to be making major life decisions.

The dishes thing could be worked out but the sexless marriage is a bigger issue.

You need to get under control of your life and operating at a sustainable / proper pace regardless of whether you divorce or not. Work on that, you'll probably begin to find more clarity when you have room to breath.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> The LEAST he could do is clean up after himself and do his own laundry, but he doesn't even do that. It sounds like she's had her fill and needs drastic change.


Ok. He does the laundry, she mows the lawn. Fair trade? For some reason the things men traditionally do seem to be overlooked when tallying up that who-does-more-chores list.

The source of her stress isn't really her husband here. It's her whacked out busy schedule. Fix that first and then see where things stand. Sometimes I think folks here are far too quick with the "divorce them" trigger. @re16 makes a very good point that at the 5 year mark she shouldn't be working the kind of schedule she is. The bakery isn't staffed properly, or she is unwilling to delegate duties to a shift manager. So fix that first, and then reexamine the marriage.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Ok. He does the laundry, she mows the lawn. Fair trade? For some reason the things men traditionally do seem to be overlooked when tallying up that who-does-more-chores list.
> 
> The source of her stress isn't really her husband here. It's her whacked out busy schedule. Fix that first and then see where things stand. Sometimes I think folks here are far too quick with the "divorce them" trigger. @re16 makes a very good point that at the 5 year mark she shouldn't be working the kind of schedule she is. The bakery isn't staffed properly, or she is unwilling to delegate duties to a shift manager. So fix that first, and then reexamine the marriage.


We do not overlook things men traditionally do if we're lucky enough to have a man that does it. 

The difference is yard work is not a daily chore, however, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are. Sounds like a sore spot for you.

Anyway, the reason I voted for divorce was everything cumulatively. An old dog does not learn new tricks, they might perform for a week or two, then promptly roll over and play dead. 

She does sound like a workaholic, which is why I'm personally for jettisoning both the business and him.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> We do not overlook things men traditionally do if we're lucky enough to have a man that does it.
> 
> The difference is yard work is not a daily chore, however, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are. Sounds like a sore spot for you.
> 
> ...


You've done exactly that in this thread. The focus is always on what the husband isn't doing, and not on the things he does do. In this case, laundry. 

But also here, OP's complaint is that she is too busy to keep the house up the way she did before starting the bakery. The house isn't up to her standards, but it is fine for him. Divorce won't change that. All that does is leave her still overworked and also alone. Maybe the marriage issues can be fixed with a better work/life balance. Maybe they can start enjoying each other more (even sexually) if she is home more. He is pushing 70, and has at least one foot in his retirement. They should be 

Maybe you're right, and her slowing down won't make anything else better. But I think it's worth taking one step at a time to find out.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> You've done exactly that in this thread. The focus is always on what the husband isn't doing, and not on the things he does do. In this case, laundry.
> 
> But also here, OP's complaint is that she is too busy to keep the house up the way she did before starting the bakery. The house isn't up to her standards, but it is fine for him. Divorce won't change that. All that does is leave her still overworked and also alone. Maybe the marriage issues can be fixed with a better work/life balance. Maybe they can start enjoying each other more (even sexually) if she is home more. He is pushing 70, and has at least one foot in his retirement. They should be
> 
> Maybe you're right, and her slowing down won't make anything else better. But I think it's worth taking one step at a time to find out.


She said he did not do laundry, it piles up. Try reading.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He should be helping more, but he's not, so hire a maid to come in and get it caught up once every 2 weeks or once a month or whatever. I don't see how you're doing it.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> She said he did not do laundry, it piles up. Try reading.


I've kept things civil. Maybe you should as well.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> I've kept things civil. Maybe you should as well.


How am I not civil? It's incredibly helpful to point out when someone has not taken relevant information into consideration.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

fluffycoco said:


> From what you wrote, sounds like you should sell the business first, get divorced after, and then work on finding a guy you really like, maybe move somewhere to open a smaller business if you want, just for fun and keep you busy.
> life is short no time to waste


No if she sells first then he'll get 1/2.

She needs to tank sales for a month due to pandemic, then divorce then do whatever she wants.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> No if she sells first then he'll get 1/2.
> 
> She needs to tank sales for a month due to pandemic, then divorce then do whatever she wants.





Anastasia6 said:


> No if she sells first then he'll get 1/2.
> 
> She needs to tank sales for a month due to pandemic, then divorce then do whatever she wants.


This isn't fair if he's put as much time into the business. 

OP never came back to clarify what he does, she only said he's there every day. That could mean many things, he could be baking, he could be hosting/cashing or simply eating the goodies.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> simply eating the goodies.


🎅...🍪🥛


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> This isn't fair if he's put as much time into the business.
> 
> OP never came back to clarify what he does, she only said he's there every day. That could mean many things, he could be baking, he could be hosting/cashing or simply eating the goodies.


I got the impression he's just up there. But yes if he's actually working and forwarding the business 80 hours a week then 1/2 would be fair. But if she working 80 and he's up there just putzing around then is 1/2 fair? Does he bake?


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> How am I not civil? It's incredibly helpful to point out when someone has not taken relevant information into consideration.


"Try reading" is purposefully coarse, and in text comes across as very rude.

Now if you'd like me to expand, if you had read what I'd written you would see that I accounted for the laundry statement. However, in my estimate that is not the root cause of the OP's current difficulty. The current situation stems from being completely overwhelmed at the business she started 5 years ago. No amount of laundry duty is going to fix that. Either reorganizing the business to allow her more time at home, or selling the business all together is what needs to be done first. Otherwise she will continue to come home too tired, and too stressed which will continue to amplify her perceived issues at home. So again, I say first fix the work/live balance and then reexamine the marriage situation.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> No if she sells first then he'll get 1/2.
> 
> She needs to tank sales for a month due to pandemic, then divorce then do whatever she wants.


Judges take a very, very dim view of those type of shenanigans. Divorce attorneys, and forensic accountants are also very good at pointing out this type of thing. It doesn't work when men try it. I wouldn't recommend it to the OP.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> "Try reading" is purposefully coarse, and in text comes across as very rude.
> 
> Now if you'd like me to expand, if you had read what I'd written you would see that I accounted for the laundry statement. However, in my estimate that is not the root cause of the OP's current difficulty. The current situation stems from being completely overwhelmed at the business she started 5 years ago. No amount of laundry duty is going to fix that. Either reorganizing the business to allow her more time at home, or selling the business all together is what needs to be done first. Otherwise she will continue to come home too tired, and too stressed which will continue to amplify her perceived issues at home. So again, I say first fix the work/live balance and then reexamine the marriage situation.


While the business may be overwhelming. 
The real issue here seems to be resentment.

He does little to help around the house. He expects her to be a domestic servant.
yard work doesn't balance out everything on the inside of the house.

Something like having a business can bring one partners lack of participation in day to day household items to the forefront but doesn't change anything.

Somebody suggested because he was retired he didn't need to fool with stuff.

BS any living human being has to take care of dishes, laundry, shopping and cleaning unless they have maids.

Further OP stated they bring in 1 million. That is most likely gross and doesn't mean they are rolling in dough to have a bunch of household help. There is no reason why he can help out. And if he can't, doesn't want sex and has this entitled attitude she'd be better off getting a new model.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> I got the impression he's just up there. But yes if he's actually working and forwarding the business 80 hours a week then 1/2 would be fair. But if she working 80 and he's up there just putzing around then is 1/2 fair? Does he bake?


Of course 1/2 is fair regardless. The business was formed, and grown, during the marriage. As marital property it should be split 50/50, just like all other marital assets. At least in most states. I'm not sure if any states would take a different view.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> While the business may be overwhelming.
> The real issue here seems to be resentment.
> 
> He does little to help around the house. He expects her to be a domestic servant.
> ...


Stress creates problems. The source of that stress isn't a pile of laundry, nor is it a pan soaking overnight in the sink. The original post didn't seem to indicate that the housework, laundry, etc. were a problem at all until she started her business. At the end of the day, the real decision is what is more important to her the business or the marriage. If the business, well that comes with the problem that he is entitled to 1/2 of it in the case of a divorce. She could very easily end up with neither business nor H post-divorce settlement. If the marriage, then she needs to back off of her business hours so she can spend more time at home with her semi-retired H.

The OP hasn't really been back to clarify anything. So anything beyond her having kept a very tidy house pre-bakery, and him keeping a pristine lawn we don't really know much. How long is the marriage? How many children? What was life like 6 years ago pre-bakery? What is H's financial situation now that he's at the age to collect social security and medicare. Perhaps if more information were available, I'd reconsider my diagnosis. But from the information, I say the source of the problem is the business, not the H. The H hasn't changed, what changed was adding a bakery to the mix.

As far as getting a new model? She's 54, and devotes all her time to her bakery. She isn't in a position to date. In any event, what she'll find is that her (OLD at least) dating pool will consist of models with the same mileage on them as her H. Because that's who try to match with 54 year old women on OLD - 65 year old men. The 50-somethings are looking a decade younger. At least the 50-somethings that have kept themselves up.


----------



## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I can empathise with you and feel sorry you're in this predicament. I hate it when my adult son leaves the dishes in the sink. I speak to him about it sometimes as it means I have to then do something about it before I can use the sink and it's annoying.

You sound like a truly inspirational hard worker and you've made a great life for yourself. I am divorced and I wish I'd married someone a bit more like you long ago but I also found myself as the ant looking after the grasshopper. Some people semi-retire or retire in their 50's and you deserve to be able to slow down and smell the roses too and enjoy some of the benefits of those achievements. I think you need to restructure your life and define some clear roles for your husband and yourself. A new phase.

He should address his reason for low sex-drive. Exercise, diet, medication, therapy. He has a duty to provide comfort and emotionally bond. Otherwise he's kind of a room-mate. You mentioned a few things he could pretty easily comply with.

I'd recommend the following three part plan:

Help him find a space to move the home office area he's made in the kitchen to and tell him to make it so.
Tell him to get his low sex-drive issue addressed and if this means diet and exercise (weights) and medication then good. 
To not leave the pan to soak in the sink but if necessary empty the dishwasher of what's in there and then just load it in there or find a spot for it to soak well clear of the sink.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> Stress creates problems. The source of that stress isn't a pile of laundry, nor is it a pan soaking overnight in the sink. The original post didn't seem to indicate that the housework, laundry, etc. were a problem at all until she started her business. At the end of the day, the real decision is what is more important to her the business or the marriage. If the business, well that comes with the problem that he is entitled to 1/2 of it in the case of a divorce. She could very easily end up with neither business nor H post-divorce settlement. If the marriage, then she needs to back off of her business hours so she can spend more time at home with her semi-retired H.
> 
> The OP hasn't really been back to clarify anything. So anything beyond her having kept a very tidy house pre-bakery, and him keeping a pristine lawn we don't really know much. How long is the marriage? How many children? What was life like 6 years ago pre-bakery? What is H's financial situation now that he's at the age to collect social security and medicare. Perhaps if more information were available, I'd reconsider my diagnosis. But from the information, I say the source of the problem is the business, not the H. The H hasn't changed, what changed was adding a bakery to the mix.
> 
> As far as getting a new model? She's 54, and devotes all her time to her bakery. She isn't in a position to date. In any event, what she'll find is that her (OLD at least) dating pool will consist of models with the same mileage on them as her H. Because that's who try to match with 54 year old women on OLD - 65 year old men. The 50-somethings are looking a decade younger. At least the 50-somethings that have kept themselves up.


And plenty of 65 year old models would be happy to have sex, pitch in around the house.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> And plenty of 65 year old models would be happy to have sex, pitch in around the house.


She'll never get that far running the bakery the way she has. There's no time in her life for dating. So we're right back to fixing the work/life balance before anything else can be solved.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the OP joined made one post , then went back to work , she has no time to read our posts , she has made 10k while we are giving her free advice , 
lol
she has no time to get a divorce ,
she seems to have forgotten what is the value of life 
I can't help but feel sorry for the two people in this topic , 
I don't know what they are working for what they are hiding behind work from getting lost in the work ,


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> "Try reading" is purposefully coarse, and in text comes across as very rude.
> 
> Now if you'd like me to expand, if you had read what I'd written you would see that I accounted for the laundry statement. However, in my estimate that is not the root cause of the OP's current difficulty. The current situation stems from being completely overwhelmed at the business she started 5 years ago. No amount of laundry duty is going to fix that. Either reorganizing the business to allow her more time at home, or selling the business all together is what needs to be done first. Otherwise she will continue to come home too tired, and too stressed which will continue to amplify her perceived issues at home. So again, I say first fix the work/live balance and then reexamine the marriage situation.


Fair enough.

Reading without considering everything being said and focusing on one thing and not budging comes across as obtuse and defensive. I tend to get instantly annoyed by that, my apologies.

I agree that the business is a major problem, but ignoring the fact that she is not appreciated or respect at home is a major reason why many women get fed up of marriage and walk away. The ridiculous hours, the lack of consideration at home and no sex make it an annoying roommate situation, not a marriage. No sex makes everything else worse, b/c it makes you wonder wtf you're there in the first place. 

It's funny how if the situation were reversed, men would jump on that and dig at the woman for being frigid or too old to want sex and advise divorce if she didn't shape up, but when it's a woman complaining about it, men want her to put up and shut up since she let it slide for so long, b/c oh he's old...


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

TXTrini said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> Reading without considering everything being said and focusing on one thing and not budging comes across as obtuse and defensive. I tend to get instantly annoyed by that, my apologies.
> 
> ...


I did consider everything. I just don't believe that any of it is worth addressing until the bakery is taken care of. That is the root cause of her stress. It has grown to completely devour her life. Doing some laundry, or scrubbing an unsoaked pot isn't going to fix that. As long as the bakery is run as it is, she will continue to be overwhelmed and on the line of burnout, if not over. 

The sex issue is important. But how can that be fixed if she doesn't allow time in her day to address it? We have no idea why they aren't doing it. But we do know how overworked she currently is, and that is often cited as a primary barrier to sexy-time. And oh, he is old. At 68 it is very possible that he is not medically healthy enough for sex, little blue pills or not. I agree with you that he should visit his doctor to see what can be done. But again, with her schedule he could be fit as Casanova and nothing would be happening.


----------



## jakardon (Jul 22, 2021)

Ohh, I understand you so freaking much! I was in a similar situation. I used to run our family business on my own. And I was also responsible for everything at home. My husband was like, "it is your job and your duties; you should do them all." After all, I decided to divorce him. I cannot tell you if I regret that or not, but I have way more free time. Moreover, I have also called for the services of sphereit.uk. Their IT support services help me a lot. I spend way less time working and more time enjoying myself and the little moments of my life.


----------

