# How to cope



## Fishing4help (Nov 18, 2021)

I am 38m and discovered a few months ago my wife of 11 years had a text message EA with a coworker during Covid for a few months which she admitted to me. They never met in person and I took her to polygraph to confirm there was no physical activity. She passed all tests. She has quit her job (I have much more income and she was part time). She sent the OM a message in front of me on D day that she made a mistake and would not be speaking to him ever again. She deleted all social media, I have a location tracker on her phone and the phone is not locked. She has since been trying to be super wife to try and make up for her actions. She thinks that daily sex, making meals, cleaning house, etc will help make Me forgive her. We have also both seen therapists weekly for at least 12 sessions individually.

After these few months I still have the same feelings that I had on days 1,2,3. We have 3 kids, dog, house, etc. I don't want to throw away 11 years over 3 months of poor decision. Her excuse was during this time her dad was on hospice and I worked 24/7 so she began conversations about that which only progressed.

So I am at the point of do I stay and hope that my feelings dull and we can re grow a stronger new relationship? Looking for anyone with experience who has been able to overcome infidelity. I understand from reading many posts over these months that many relationships do not work out in the end. 

Looking for ways to cope and forgive.
Looking for ideas of actions that my wife can do to help me heal. Thank you in advance


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years. You have only been in it for a few months, so you are probably right where you should be right now. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to speed up time (or slow it down). 

You are seeing an IC, so that's good. Do you feel like he/she is helping? If not, I'd suggest finding a new one or talking to your current one about it. 

Have you read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald? It is a good book that will show you and your WW what work needs to be done. Another good one is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. 

You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Stay active, keep eating, meet with friends, keep up with hobbies or find new ones, etc.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Fishing4help said:


> I am 38m and discovered a few months ago my wife of 11 years had a text message EA with a coworker during Covid for a few months which she admitted to me. They never met in person and I took her to polygraph to confirm there was no physical activity. She passed all tests. She has quit her job (I have much more income and she was part time). She sent the OM a message in front of me on D day that she made a mistake and would not be speaking to him ever again. She deleted all social media, I have a location tracker on her phone and the phone is not locked. She has since been trying to be super wife to try and make up for her actions. She thinks that daily sex, making meals, cleaning house, etc will help make Me forgive her. We have also both seen therapists weekly for at least 12 sessions individually.
> 
> After these few months I still have the same feelings that I had on days 1,2,3. We have 3 kids, dog, house, etc. I don't want to throw away 11 years over 3 months of poor decision. Her excuse was during this time her dad was on hospice and I worked 24/7 so she began conversations about that which only progressed.
> 
> ...


If she's done all she's can to repair what she has done, there isn't much more she can do. 
I would suggest maybe act as if she's a new friend and welcome her into your life.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I guess I have a different take on this than the other respondents. It seems to me there were some serious issues before the EA. You took her for a polygraph test? Dude, she was contrite. She texted the guy in front of you to end it. She agreed to you tracking her location. If you love her, you are hurt, but was your goal to put in in front of the Spanish Inquisition? And now what? You are going to spend the rest of your life tracking her? I see no evidence in your post that you have taken any responsibility for what lead to the EA or how your wife felt. You have 3 kids, a dog, a house, you work 27/7. Perhaps she wanted someone to listen to her and acknowledge how hard it is to manage all that. The OM probably did that.

Yes she is responsible for her actions and yes, she needs to treat your marriage with the care it deserves. She needs to be contrite and understanding of your pain. But what she is doing is scurrying around the house thinking cleanliness, cooking, copious sex, and allowing you to test and track her will lead to love and forgiveness. This is not what love or forgiveness looks like. This is what control and fear look like.

It is not her job to heal you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There are no good excuses. She made a choice/decision. *You didn’t have anything to do with her betrayal. Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.*

If she wanted/needed to talk she should have come to you.

100% trust will never come back and shouldn’t.

I would inform the other guys wife if he’s married.
Forgiveness IMO only comes with time.

Being a marriage warden isn’t worth it. I’d tell her boundaries are up to her and if she wants out let her go. You realistically can’t make her do anything.

There are some great books on the subject. *Not Just Friends* by glass is a good one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds to me as if she initially got too close due to her just needing someone to communicate with and then it just went too far. You dont say if it got to more, IE sexting or the like, but since then she has done all that she can and more to show her repentance. She has done ALL the right things, all the things that people here advise after an EA, not sure what more she can do to be honest. Time will help, and you both recognising what needs to be worked on and strengthened in the marriage. Talking about future boundaries with the opposite sex should help as well and spending more time together as a couple and not working 24/7 will help.
Oh and forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. You can choose to forgive her and choose not to, but in your place I would choose to forgive.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

bricks said:


> I guess I have a different take on this than the other respondents. It seems to me there were some serious issues before the EA. You took her for a polygraph test? Dude, she was contrite. She texted the guy in front of you to end it. She agreed to you tracking her location. If you love her, you are hurt, but was your goal to put in in front of the Spanish Inquisition? And now what? You are going to spend the rest of your life tracking her? I see no evidence in your post that you have taken any responsibility for what lead to the EA or how your wife felt. You have 3 kids, a dog, a house, you work 27/7. Perhaps she wanted someone to listen to her and acknowledge how hard it is to manage all that. The OM probably did that.
> 
> Yes she is responsible for her actions and yes, she needs to treat your marriage with the care it deserves. She needs to be contrite and understanding of your pain. But what she is doing is scurrying around the house thinking cleanliness, cooking, copious sex, and allowing you to test and track her will lead to love and forgiveness. This is not what love or forgiveness looks like. This is what control and fear look like.
> 
> It is not her job to heal you.


This comes off as a lot of minimizing and blame shifting.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife doesn’t have good boundaries. If she doesn’t fix that the capability is there for it to happen again. Repeated infidelity happens. Upfront most will do everything possible. However, some revert back.

You were both in the same marriage. I’m sure she isn’t perfect. Did her imperfections cause you to cheat?

Anything she sent him. If there were pics, etc. are out there forever.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Only you know what you can forgive OP. There is no telling where things would have went had they been able to meet in person during the affair. If this is your deal breaker then such is life. Some people have ended their marriages over much less than 3 months of cheating. Don't let anyone blame you for being cheated on.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In the end there is no right answer. There is only the choice you make. It sounds like she is doing all the right things presently but that doesn’t erase the past. If it were me I would try to make your permanent choice sooner rather than later. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle ground forever.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Fishing4help said:


> I am 38m and discovered a few months ago my wife of 11 years had a text message EA with a coworker during Covid for a few months which she admitted to me. They never met in person and I took her to polygraph to confirm there was no physical activity. She passed all tests. She has quit her job (I have much more income and she was part time). She sent the OM a message in front of me on D day that she made a mistake and would not be speaking to him ever again. She deleted all social media, I have a location tracker on her phone and the phone is not locked. She has since been trying to be super wife to try and make up for her actions. She thinks that daily sex, making meals, cleaning house, etc will help make Me forgive her. We have also both seen therapists weekly for at least 12 sessions individually.
> 
> After these few months I still have the same feelings that I had on days 1,2,3. We have 3 kids, dog, house, etc. I don't want to throw away 11 years over 3 months of poor decision. Her excuse was during this time her dad was on hospice and I worked 24/7 so she began conversations about that which only progressed.
> 
> ...


How did you find out? Was she busted or did she come to you? 

It seems she’s done everything right since DDay. At least you have that… whether or not you stay together long term, at least she tried to show you remorse and regret, that’s not as common as you might believe. I think this would help your healing greatly. 

There is nothing in the marriage, or in her life that caused her to do this. This was simply having very poor boundaries mixed with opportunity, and refusing to protect the marriage. I think there are people that can learn and change, but they are few and far between once they cross that line. That’s just my opinion. There seems to be a pathology, even to a lot of the waywards that have posted here. But there are also some who are reformed and really inspire me to keep faith in humankind. I think you’ll have to figure out which camp she falls in and then proceed. The fact that it was an EA instead of both and EA and PA, gives me some hope for you… that perhaps she could turn it around and reform herself before it got more intense and physical. 

What you need to heal is really best asked of yourself… what do you need? What will help you at this point? I’ve heard you say you don’t want to throw out 11 years and a family, home and pets… but do you actually love and want to be married to and share a life with her still?


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Can you arrange for a trip for just the two of you? A chance to reconnect after her affair, and you working so much.

That and make a night every week for just the two of you... a date night if you will. Work hard together at spending more time together doing fun things. Yes you've got three kids, but it's your marriage suffering here, work at it.

What your wife did was wrong and selfish. Don't put up with another affair from her. But I would bet though that you'll be a happier man if you can find it in your heart to forgive her.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

It's so so easy to ruin things, to cause harm.

Healing ... takes ... time. 2 to 5 years they say, minimum.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Did she confess to you or did you discover what was going on? How involved was the texting? Did she send pictures or videos of herself? Were they explicit? Was there sexting? Did they discuss meeting at some future point? Did she run you and the marriage down in the texts? Did they express love for each other? How frequent was the texting? How did they initially make contact? Who pursued the EA? Were there telephone conversations? These are some of the questions that need to be answered to evaluate the extent of cheating involved. You can then decide whether your wife is a decent candidate to continue a faithful marriage from this point forward. 

A couple of things that need to be done. Your wife should notify HR of the reason she quit. If company resources were used to carry on the EA, that should also be revealed to HR. The name of the AP should also be supplied. If the AP is married, his spouse must be advised of his behavior. 

Has your wife ever strayed or given you a reason to wonder if she did something inappropriate with another man? The fact that you have three children is certainly a factor and should play a part in your decision to stay in the marriage. She must continue counseling with a therapist versed in infidelity. She no longer has any rights concerning privacy. This should be made clear to her. She should not be allowed to have men friends. She should not be allowed to delete any emails or texts before you see them for the foreseeable future. She must understand that any future slip-ups will result in dire consequences. 

But, you don't want to be her warden forever. At some point, you will have to loosen the reigns and allow her a certain level of trust. It behooves both of you to get to the root of her decision to cheat. The reasons given so far are weak. A wife grounded in being faithful would never have done what she did, given the same circumstances. That will be the tough part. If the two of you find the real cause and she does everything to address that cause, you will be able to forgive and forget most of what happened. Above all, do not rug sweep her betrayal.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

EAs, I don't know. Sounds to me like this guy was her emotional tampon. You were right to be vigilant but it would be a shame throwing away a marriage and family because of some inappropriate smiley/winky face emojis.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Tested_by_stress said:


> This comes off as a lot of minimizing and blame shifting.


Yeah, guess you didn't read the line about SHE is responsible for her behavior. Did where I indicated he was responsible for his own behavior and emotional health make it confusing? I've been where OP is except it was a real affair after years and years of testing the waters, which I excused because of my own issues at the time. To me OP sounds like he is minimizing and blame shifting and he literally says he wants her to heal him. She wants to be forgiven. She is contrite. She is going to counseling and being tracked. She confessed and ended it in front of him. She is doing everything she can do. Healing and moving forward is up to him (as it would be if she ran off with the other man, as well.). Not sure what he expects her to do to heal him.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I would like to add that when my spouse cheated, he fished for a few years before he actually cheated. Not sure you would call them EA's, but perhaps. He was talking intimately (not always sexually) with women - thoughts, feelings, and desires he should have been sharing with his spouse. I'm not saying that is what your wife is doing. This could truly be an isolated incident. She certainly is more receptive to making you feel secure than my husband ever was. My husband never admitted to the affair when I caught him basically red handed. He tried to deflect and tried to make me think I was crazy. You do not have that, so whatever happens, you have to give your wife credit for that.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your wife (not you) needs to take responsibility for developing a plan to fix herself so she doesn't repeat (sexting/texting is addictive and she's high risk to repeat) - plus she needs to develop a plan to rebuild your trust in her. Rebuilding trust starts today but will take years to fully restore.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior, including being deceitful. Your wife failed big time.

Inform her that the damage/pain she caused is not limited to her connecting sexually/romantically with the OM - but just as important is that as a result of her deceitful behavior she is now untrustworthy. Consequently, her promises (including her tears and self hate) are no longer believable. 

Many marriages fail within 5 years of D day because trust is not restored.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

bricks said:


> I guess I have a different take on this than the other respondents. It seems to me there were some serious issues before the EA. You took her for a polygraph test? Dude, she was contrite. She texted the guy in front of you to end it. She agreed to you tracking her location. If you love her, you are hurt, but was your goal to put in in front of the Spanish Inquisition? And now what? You are going to spend the rest of your life tracking her? I see no evidence in your post that you have taken any responsibility for what lead to the EA or how your wife felt. You have 3 kids, a dog, a house, you work 27/7. Perhaps she wanted someone to listen to her and acknowledge how hard it is to manage all that. The OM probably did that.
> 
> Yes she is responsible for her actions and yes, she needs to treat your marriage with the care it deserves. She needs to be contrite and understanding of your pain. But what she is doing is scurrying around the house thinking cleanliness, cooking, copious sex, and allowing you to test and track her will lead to love and forgiveness. This is not what love or forgiveness looks like. This is what control and fear look like.
> 
> It is not her job to heal you.



Jesus....what a crock...

Man bad. Woman innocent. 

Hey Bricks- reddit much?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The fact that it didn’t go physical is a plus.

Now the question is what was said between the two of them. If she said things to him that couldn’t be taken back, then that will have to be processed. It you can’t get past what your WW said to the coworker, then you just can’t.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

bricks said:


> Yeah, guess you didn't read the line about SHE is responsible for her behavior.


Yeah, when I read it I was puzzled by the self-contradiction. Then I realized everyone should just ignore "advice" from people who don't think consistently.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Robert22205 said:


> Your wife (not you) needs to take responsibility for developing a plan to fix herself so she doesn't repeat (sexting/texting is addictive and she's high risk to repeat) - plus she needs to develop a plan to rebuild your trust in her. Rebuilding trust starts today but will take years to fully restore.
> 
> Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior, including being deceitful. Your wife failed big time.
> 
> ...


She did not have this EA in a vacuum. He also needs to examine what led to the infidelity. I agree with everything you have said here, but


GoldenR said:


> Jesus....what a crock...
> 
> Man bad. Woman innocent.
> 
> Hey Bricks- reddit much?


Not what I said. Not at all. Not even close. What she did was wrong. Is that clear enough?? What he is doing right not loving. NOT ONE CLUE what reddit is. Thanks


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Fishing4help said:


> I am 38m and discovered a few months ago my wife of 11 years had a text message EA with a coworker during Covid for a few months which she admitted to me. They never met in person and I took her to polygraph to confirm there was no physical activity. She passed all tests. She has quit her job (I have much more income and she was part time). She sent the OM a message in front of me on D day that she made a mistake and would not be speaking to him ever again. She deleted all social media, I have a location tracker on her phone and the phone is not locked. She has since been trying to be super wife to try and make up for her actions. She thinks that daily sex, making meals, cleaning house, etc will help make Me forgive her. We have also both seen therapists weekly for at least 12 sessions individually.
> 
> After these few months I still have the same feelings that I had on days 1,2,3. We have 3 kids, dog, house, etc. I don't want to throw away 11 years over 3 months of poor decision. Her excuse was during this time her dad was on hospice and I worked 24/7 so she began conversations about that which only progressed.
> 
> ...


I mean...it never got physical and she literally has done all the right things. Did she decide to write the OM and end the EA because she wanted to and felt it was the right thing, or is it because there was something blocking them starting something (ie. he has a girlfriend or wife, or he refused her more)?


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