# Lying to the kids



## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

I just want to vent. Not looking for any advice or guidance. But today I am kind of pissed at my ex.
Earlier today she asked me if I can watch the kids for the evening. I always say yes...love spending time with them. And they do too. So we went on a bike ride...and guess who we ran into. My ex and her BF...riding bikes. She was kind of shocked when she saw us. Her BF didnt even stop..just kept going. The kids asked her to join us but she told them she has to go buy someting and she would catch up with us. Well, couple of hours later we ran into them again. They were sitting in the restaurant and hacing dinner. We had to stop because kids saw her too. I introduced myself to her BF, nothing against the guy. Seems nice. But my older one was really dissapointed. It broke my heart. He kept asking me why is she going on the bike ride with him and never wants to take them. I just didnt know what to say and tried to change the subject. 
She has been doing this before. Tells the kids she has to go to a meeting just ao ahe can be with her BF. She rarely takes them anywhere. When they are with me we go to the pool, ice cream, park, bike rides...you name it. It just kills me that she is lying to the kids. Same happened during her affair. 
How con some people do this to their kids. Put their own needs first. 
I really am glad I divorced her. I did think she was much better than this. 
I do not care what she does with her life. It does not hurt. I just find it pathetic. 
Next week she is moving and will be an hour away. Just so she can be closer to him. Its gonna be hard, I will se them even less than now. They live only 10 minutes away. But I have plans to move closer. BTW, I just moved 3 months ago in a nice little town, and agreement was that she would move to the same town because schools are good. 
End of vent...thanks for reading.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are the kids?

C


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are the kids?
> 
> C


5 & 7
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GettingBetter said:


> 5 & 7
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's tough to deal with, I'm sure. If I was you, I'd make a point of letting her know what your kids were saying and asking. If nothing else, it might give her an incentive to not get caught so easily next time. Kids don't need to know all the details about what their parents are up to, but they sure don't need to have their noses rubbed in to how they're a lower priority than some stranger.

If it continues to be a problem, you might want to proactively look at family counseling with the kids before it because a serious issue (assuming it's not already). Might give you and them some tools to deal with the feelings that are coming up.

C


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

I am not going to say a thing to her. What is the point. But I am sure my older one will. He asked me why is she going on the bike ride with him and didnt want to go with us. It's completely on her and I will let her explain it to the kids.
I did want to get the kids into counseling right after divorce but she did not want to hear about it. 
I doubt that she wanted to get "caught". But still it is a ****ty situation teying to explain it to the kids. 
My only priority is them. I have never changed the plans when they are with me. Never left them at the friends house so I can go have some fun. 
Maybe she will one day snap out of her fantasy life and start caring about others. But I hoghly doubt it...even after a year she has not changed at all. Just got worse.
My fear is that the kids will resent her one day. And I want them to love their mother. But the way the thingshave been going in the last 1 1/2 year I just dont see it. 
I have never badmouthed their mom. But she is doing just fine job at it...showing them who she truly is.
Sad.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The point? The point is to nip things in the bud and do what you can to prevent them from building up resentment towards her. To do what you can to preserve some kind of healthy relationship for them. Not for her sake. But for their sake. A poor relationship with their mother will cause all sorts of grief in the future. And you sitting back and not trying to prevent it is just enabling it to happen.

Sorry for being blunt. But if they truly are your only priority as you say, then I think you owe it to them to do everything you can. And just like you can't control her now, she can't control you. You can chose to get the kids in counseling yourself.

I suspect that no matter what you say on the surface, some part of you is hoping that the kids start to hate her and she feels the pain of that. That you want to be able to be the "good parent"; the one they come to when mom hurts their feelings. I can understand those thoughts. But no matter how much you might like to see her hurting, it's going to hurt the kids that much more. And not just now, short term. But long term, in their future relationships.

Just my thoughts... Could be way off base, and I apologise if I am. But give it some honest thoughts about your motives for not taking action. 

C


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> The point? The point is to nip things in the bud and do what you can to prevent them from building up resentment towards her. To do what you can to preserve some kind of healthy relationship for them. Not for her sake. But for their sake. A poor relationship with their mother will cause all sorts of grief in the future. And you sitting back and not trying to prevent it is just enabling it to happen.
> 
> *Sorry for being blunt. But if they truly are your only priority as you say, then I think you owe it to them to do everything you can. And just like you can't control her now, she can't control you. You can chose to get the kids in counseling yourself.*
> 
> ...


To the bolded, I had a thread some time ago, asking what to do. I wanted to get my older one into counseling, but as per our divorce agreement I can not do that unless she gives her consent. I went thru IC and I know how much it can help. I tried talking to her few times about it, trying to explain that there is no harm in doing it. But she would not listen. As some posters said having my 7 yr old go to counseling would probably give her a guilt. It would prove that what she did does have effect on kids. The whole time she was saying, and still does, that the kids will be OK. I do agree to an extent. They will never know what a family is. What it means to have both mom and dad together. But I can't help it there. My therapist gave me some useful tools on how to talk to them and what to say.
Talking to her, and telling her what she is doing is not OK does not work. Trust me, I tried.
PBear, I respect you, and would like your honest answer on what to do? How to approach it? As I said, getting thru to her does not work. She will just say what she does with her time is her business, even though it affects the kids.


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Well there you said it already. You have control of your own actions so that's what to focus on. It's odd that you ran into them twice. I think I would have tried to avoid that because they may look back many years later and think you staged it by finding an activity to ensure they saw their mother having fun without them.


Well, that is what I am focusing on...trying to. 
I had no clue she is going out with her BF on the bike ride. Five minutes from my house. They chose the restaurant next to the bike path...which is the only way back home. So there was no way I could avoid them.
My kids know that I have fun when they are not with me. I am very open with them. I tell them that dad is going out with his friends to have some adult time, and they understand. 
But when is my time to be with them I never try to lie to them. I missed parties, outings just so I can be with them. And I would rather spend my time with them than go out with my friends.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GettingBetter said:


> To the bolded, I had a thread some time ago, asking what to do. I wanted to get my older one into counseling, but as per our divorce agreement I can not do that unless she gives her consent. I went thru IC and I know how much it can help. I tried talking to her few times about it, trying to explain that there is no harm in doing it. But she would not listen. As some posters said having my 7 yr old go to counseling would probably give her a guilt. It would prove that what she did does have effect on kids. The whole time she was saying, and still does, that the kids will be OK. I do agree to an extent. They will never know what a family is. What it means to have both mom and dad together. But I can't help it there. My therapist gave me some useful tools on how to talk to them and what to say.
> Talking to her, and telling her what she is doing is not OK does not work. Trust me, I tried.
> PBear, I respect you, and would like your honest answer on what to do? How to approach it? As I said, getting thru to her does not work. She will just say what she does with her time is her business, even though it affects the kids.


Unfortunately, you can't do anything about what she does on her time, and for the most part, even on her time when she's got the kids. Fighting to keep the BF away from the kids would likely be an uphill battle that you'd lose in the long run as well. So trying to get her to change HER behaviour likely won't work.

Why do you need her approval to get your oldest in counseling? Do you have the money to fight that in court? Because I suspect that in most cases, a judge would go with the parent who's trying to help the kids... People take things back to court regularly if they need to. It's not fun for anyone, but if that's the only way to deal with it, then that's what you try doing.

Other than that... All you can do is show your kids that one of their parents has them as a priority, and it sounds like you're doing a great job of that. You're also getting input from your counselor on ways to help, and you can probably get some books to help with that as well. You're doing the right things, for the right reasons!

C


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

And I am not trying to do anything about what she does in her own time. I am not trying to keep her BF away from the kids. If she wants him around the kids that is fine with me. She is a big girl, she can figure out what is good for them and what isn't. Well, obviosely D was not god for them. But I can help that either. 
I just might have to go to court and getbthe boys into counseling. I am gonna wait a little bit to see if their behaviour changes after they move away. 
I recently tried talking to her to try to establish same rules for both households. For example, I do not allow video games at my house. But at her place they play all day. It's an easy and cheap baby sitter. Yes, I know she works all day, from home, but...
And these white lies that she tells the kids....that she is going to a meeting and wont be back till midnight, I tried to tell her that they will sooner or later pick up on it. And again...its none of my business what she does. But it is my business teaching kids that lying is not OK. She hurt them today by her little lie, and they found out. What is next? I know that you cant tell the kids that you are going out to be with your BF or GF and that they have to stay home. But I chose not to schedule my time with my GF when I know they will be with me.
I knowmI am doing the right thing for the right reasons, but I just feel like I am hitting the wall and am worried that my kids will learn wrong things from her. 
BTW, while typing this she texted me and said "please do not be turning the kids against me". No idea what is that supposed to mean. I tried calling her to ask what she meant by that, but no reponse.
I really want to co-parent with her in the way that is best for the kids. I try to communicate with her, to tell her thing that the boys are telling me. But she does not want to hear it. 
Few weeks ago she got really mad at me because I told the kids that she was the one who left me, after they asked me why I left them and why we do not live together. My reponse was that I just gave them the truth and that she can explain it to them. I know that was not probably the best thing to say and I should have handled it differently. But at moment when my son asked me why I left them the words just came out, without much thinking. I never told them that she cheated...maybe one day they will hear the truth, but not from me. Maybe they will figure it out on their own. Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

GettingBetter said:


> She is a big girl, she can figure out what is good for them and what isn't.


How did you arrive at this conclusion?


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> How did you arrive at this conclusion?


Not really a conclusion, just saying...it's wishful thinking, that's all.
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You cannot control how she parents when the kids are with her. You can share your opinion, suggest co-parenting rules that would be consistent in both houses, but that is it. In the long run, the kids will be alright. They will see their mother for the person she is, the effort she makes, and the choices she's made. The most you can do is make sure you keep the kids talking. I bet you've already discussed how lying is wrong, in situations unrelated to their mother. Reinforcing that view now, in any manner that includes "Mom was wrong to lie to you" will start alienating them from their mother-which is what you want to avoid. Ask them how they felt running into mom and the bf. Do not say its was wrong for her to lie to them. They know she did. But if the kids mention her lack of truth, encourage them to talk to her. Suggest that maybe mom doesn't know how to tell them she is seeing someone. Just keep them talking about their feelings. Ask yourself, if you were still married to her and you wanted to protect your children's relationship with her, how would you respond. Good luck.


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

I do want them to talk to me, and in the very beggining my older one was doing a good job at it. But now I feel that he is shutting down and i am starting to worry. I do not want to be pushy with asking them questions about their feelings. I tried to talk to my DS 7 yesterday, but I felt anger in him. Told him its OK to feel whatever he is feeling at the moment.
My fear is that he felt betrayed by his mom, not once but twice in one day.
First time when she told them that she was busy and could not spend the evenin with them, and second time after we ran into her for the first time and she told them she would meet us at the park and after no show we saw her in the restaurant with her BF. They even asked her if they can join them and have dinner with them which she refused saying that she has to go back home to get her car to pick them up, just to show up three hours later. 
Kids do not like lies. They do not like being shunned away. They only see things in black and white.
How do I talk to them so it does not look pushy? How do I get them to open up to me? I do not want them to keep their feeling bottled inside, it's unhealthy.
I will be looking into getting them to therapy. I don care what she says. But I want to know what I can do so they open up to me?
Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks.
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