# One day I realized....



## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my story as I am trying to figure out what to do,,,I'll try not to make it too long but I have been here in this forum before to ask for advice about my marriage of then 7 yrs now going on 9,,,,back then things were worse, I came clean to my husband about my feelings of no longer loving him and wanting to continue our marriage, he came clean as well and confessed really hard things for me to take, things that till this day I cannot seem to overcome but aside from that we decided to give it one more try for our son (8 yrs old now) its been 2 yrs since that happened and for a moment I felt like we were finally able to be happy with each other and that I started to love him again. He did very bad things in the past to me including that he didn't love me and that he loved another woman for several years and was planning to leave me but he "felt in love with me" (which in my opinion he stopped seeing her because she got tired of waiting for him and she ended up marrying someone else) but whatever,,,anyways, so everything seem to be good, we can now have conversations, have fun, enjoy each other presence alittle more etc. he says he loves me to death and wishes I never leave him. BUT, I after really deep thinking and analyzing my feelings I came to the conclusion that I don't love him, that I felt out of love for him long ago and as much as I try to love him I just feel like its impossible. He is a good man now, although he is still himself and I just don't love the way he is! im not sure if I'm not explaining myself properly but its like no matter how good he is with me, how much he tries for this to work, I want to get away from him so bad!! even by leaving the past behind, I still can't love him the way I used to or the way he wants me to. I have stayed with him for my son but I feel drained and I'm starting to loose myself, my smile, etc. I have always thought about his happiness and my son's and completely forgot about me but I'm tired now. Just the thought of us buying a house together makes me sick, the thought of growing old with him makes me sad, when he leaves I love it so much! I don't miss him at all....I feel like I'm being completely selfish by not being honest to him but when ever I try to mention it to him he gets upset, angry and refuses to talk saying that I'm messed up and can't leave the past behind that Im confused! but in reality im not confused, I know what I want, I mean I'm not a teenager! I'm 29 and we married at 20, and for all these years I have tried hard to keep this together now, my question is has this happened to you? do you relate? what do you recommend?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

If you don't love him, you are happy when he is gone, and normal married things (like buying house/growing old together) make you sick, there isn't a heck of a lot to discuss. It's time to go. 

It is not selfish to want to live a happy life.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Thank you for your response, in fact, yesterday I asked for divorce and I do feel bad for him since he says he still loves me but doesn't love what we had. He was calm and although he cried and was starting to get very upset he went outside, calm himself down and went back inside (very unlikely of him) he's tears came down but he was overall calm and facing the fact that there is no way back. He also mentioned his feelings were hurt for our son and just that co-dependence he has with me since I used to do everything for him since we got married. I know my son will be fine and I hurt for him but I'm calm because I know he will be fine. So far and analyzing everything that is going on and it may sound harsh but this is the first time that I feel completely good and sure about taking a decision and most importantly because it's a decision that involves my happiness. Since I was young I have always placed other people's happiness before me ALWAYS! and never really thought about mine. I knew in my heart I would eventually get tired of not being happy and everyone else is and it happened.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Have you tried to read The Divorce Remedy just to make sure this is really what you want? I feel like it all seems fine to go at the moment but once you're gone you may begin to focus on the positive things about him and have regrets.


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