# Moving on...



## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Why is it hard for me to move on from this woman? My family doesn't understand, as they feel she's been cold and uncaring. If you check some of my previous threads, anyone can see it's an/was a uneven marriage, where only I was putting in the effort. 

My logical mind says filing for divorce and having her move out was the right thing to do. When she was here on Monday, cursing me and my family out for no reason does solidify this. She texted me later stating that it was a knee jerk reaction for moving her items into another room. Apparently, she didn't want me to touch her things in the living room for the last 90 + days. I was supposed to look at everything while she takes her sweet time to move. ???

During those 90 + days, I was told to reach out and try to work on us from the bottom up, which I did. I reached out a handful of times, she said either she's not ready or no reply whatsoever. 

How is a marriage supposed to work when only one person is pulling the weight of the entire marriage? What am I missing? Why do I feel so bad and her and the situation when clearly, any outsider can see that she's not been trying at all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's always hard to accept it when things don't turn out the way we want, especially in love.

Are you seeing any kind of therapist? I know it sounds SO cliche, but it really is helpful to have someone uninvolved to talk to, even if all you get out of it is venting.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> It's always hard to accept it when things don't turn out the way we want, especially in love.
> 
> Are you seeing any kind of therapist? I know it sounds SO cliche, but it really is helpful to have someone uninvolved to talk to, even if all you get out of it is venting.


Yes, I know dearly. It was why I was trying to hard to keep us together. To my surprise, the harder I tried, the less she did. Yet she continued to moan how bad things are/were between us to her mother. She would actually tell her mother she was trying, and then when approached to "try" she she stated to her mother, it's a no go. Very weird.

I have a therapist and we both tried to get her to turn around. Trying different things with her, etc. He stated I tried so hard because I didn't want to admit failure in the relationship. I guess, closure for me, would be to know what and why our marriage crumbled. Any problem can be fixed, as long as you know what the issue or problem at hand is/was. Aside from not jumping and doing everything she wanted and the way she wanted it to be, I do not know what the problem is/was. I feel that is what's bothering me the most. Not knowing what killed our marriage. She's also upset that I am controlling the way the separation/divorce is going. She's "not ready". She didn't like it that I "kicked" her out of my home. Let's see, let's work on us together, or you move out. No, I will not work on us. Fine, then you move out. Yet, it's my fault. She didn't like that I initiated the separation, even though she's the one who initially suggested it. LOL. She hated that I filed for divorce, as she's "not ready". I.E., it seemed like she wanted to be the one to file and tell me it's over. Who does that? It's not a race to the bottom. It should had been a race to fix US.  There I go again, just blabbering away.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, I just read your other thread and she sounds like a total loon. You need to be very careful when dealing with her - don't be alone with her, record her, whatever it takes.

I also wonder if she's got someone else.

I think your therapist should start working with you to move past this and get over her. You might not know exactly why it's happening, but it IS happening.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You know, I just read your other thread and she sounds like a total loon. You need to be very careful when dealing with her - don't be alone with her, record her, whatever it takes.
> 
> I also wonder if she's got someone else.
> 
> I think your therapist should start working with you to move past this and get over her. You might not know exactly why it's happening, but it IS happening.


I think she's confused in life, and her parents are not helping the situation. I had a VAR on for Monday, and I will have a VAR on when she's here again in the week. I do not think she'd do anything, but it is better to be safe then sorry. Desperate people can do desperate things. She has a very low opinion of herself. Why? I have no idea. She's attractive, smart, decent personality (to anyone aside from me, lol).

No, I do not think she has anyone on the side. One the VARs with her parents, she stated she doesn't know how she can date again after her two failed marriages. I am friends with her neighbors, and they've told me that she's just home with her mother a lot. Which, I do feel bad, as the mother is clearly living through the daughter. With that said, my wife is following whatever the mother says. Problem is, the mother doesn't know the whole story, neither does the father. Thus, they are acting on misinformation. 

I just feel bad for her more than me. I know I would not have a problem finding another woman in due time. But, part of me wishes we'd still be together. My logical mind tells me not possible, but my heart still misses her. It's crazy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> Yes, I know dearly. It was why I was trying to hard to keep us together. To my surprise, the harder I tried, the less she did. Yet she continued to moan how bad things are/were between us to her mother. She would actually tell her mother she was trying, and then when approached to "try" she she stated to her mother, it's a no go. Very weird.
> 
> I have a therapist and we both tried to get her to turn around. Trying different things with her, etc. He stated I tried so hard because I didn't want to admit failure in the relationship. I guess, closure for me, would be to know what and why our marriage crumbled. Any problem can be fixed, as long as you know what the issue or problem at hand is/was. Aside from not jumping and doing everything she wanted and the way she wanted it to be, I do not know what the problem is/was. I feel that is what's bothering me the most. Not knowing what killed our marriage. She's also upset that I am controlling the way the separation/divorce is going. She's "not ready". She didn't like it that I "kicked" her out of my home. Let's see, let's work on us together, or you move out. No, I will not work on us. Fine, then you move out. Yet, it's my fault. She didn't like that I initiated the separation, even though she's the one who initially suggested it. LOL. She hated that I filed for divorce, as she's "not ready". I.E., it seemed like she wanted to be the one to file and tell me it's over. Who does that? It's not a race to the bottom. It should had been a race to fix US.  There I go again, just blabbering away.


You are 100% correct, BOTH people have to put in the effort to make a marriage work. She isn't "ready?" Well too fvcking bad. She wants to you stay put to wait and pine for her, so that she has you for her backup plan once whatever man she has her eye on doesn't work out. I say this because if she had any other reason for not wanting to actively work on things with you, then she would not be pulling this wishy washy crap that she isn't "ready", she would KNOW. 

Do not allow yourself to be her plan B. You did great getting her to leave, that was the right thing to do.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are 100% correct, BOTH people have to put in the effort to make a marriage work. She isn't "ready?" Well too fvcking bad. She wants to you stay put to wait and pine for her, so that she has you for her backup plan once whatever man she has her eye on doesn't work out. I say this because if she had any other reason for not wanting to actively work on things with you, then she would not be pulling this wishy washy crap that she isn't "ready", she would KNOW.
> 
> Do not allow yourself to be her plan B. You did great getting her to leave, that was the right thing to do.


Her life is falling apart and crumbling in front of her. Saw her today, she was a mess. She spend a few hours just sitting around doing nothing while her parents were packing for her. Got into an argument as she said she needed another day, said sorry, that's not possible. She was like a bat out of hell today. It's a shame that it came down to this. I feel bad for her. She's a good person, just not good to me. Thus, I just cannot stay, as much as it hurts to leave, I must.


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