# Husband supports friends of cheating on wives



## BettyBoopJD (Jul 18, 2007)

Should I be worried that my significant other of 4 years has close friends that cheat on their wives and girlfriends? His friends confide in him and he supports their actions because he claims that it is their own business. However, he tells he that he does not believe in it himself. His own father has cheated on his mother. I am afraid that he since he does not speak out against these acts, that it is not truly an important moral/value of his, however he claims that what is good and works for some couples does not work for others and that he himself does not believe in cheating. Can someone be close to people who cheat, but not believe in cheating? If so, why would he not want to preach to them about their "bad" behavior? Should I be worried?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'd be very careful here, girl!

That he condones (even though he says he'll never do it speaks to HIS morals) their actions, and knowing his father cheated...I'd be highly inclined to think he could/would do it, too. Just because he thinks it's ok. Otherwise, he'd be telling them thay're making a big mistake. 

DO NOT have children with this man until YOU are confident he's loyal! 

I know you love him...but this is a potentially dangerous situation! I'd leave and find someone you didn't have doubts about.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

birds of a feather, flock together....

if this lifestyle isn't for you, leave now and don't marry him.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Whoa whoa whoa guys hold the phone here. The fact he even tells her about his friends issues points towards a man who wouldnt cheat. Otherwise, why even bring it up to the wife at all? Secondly, I have friends who still do drugs. Theyve been my friends since high school (20+) years. My wife hates that about them, but does that mean Im going to start doing them again? No.

Also, I do not believe not "preaching to them" is condoning it. I have a friend who has cheated. Does this mean I am going to? Hell no.

Birds of a feather works great if her boyfriend is just a boy and not a man. A man can distinguish right from wrong and make the right choice. He is not who his friends are.

For real? Recommending she moves on from a man who hasnt even done anything wrong? That seems entirely too jumping the gun to me. 

Take a step back. Take him at his word until he proves otherwise. You could ask no more of him then that and he of you. We are only as good as our word until our actions prove otherwise.

Ok I just read your replies again. I am utterly shocked you both recommend leaving the guy because he doesnt preach to his friends about the mistakes they make. He is not his friends keeper. He is not responsible for what his friends do. He should not be expected to alienate his friends to prove he wont cheat. Thats silly. Cmon you two. You know better then that. I work with a guy who shot someone once. Does that mean im going to? Even if I dont preach to him thats its wrong to shoot people? Really, im completely shocked. 

Normally, you two give good advice. This is just complete nonsense. Lady, do yourself a favor and give the guy the benefit of the doubt until he does something wrong.


Still shocked.
John


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

The fact is that the OP is worried about it. That she has some questions, if not doubt. 

Her BF doesn't need to preach, but shouldn't be that active with those friends of his. That he is (or seems to be) raises the question of his morals, his sense of rightness anent their activities. 

There is no excuse for cheating. Period. There may be reasons; but no excuses. There's going to be a lot of pain in their futures. 

Were it me, I'd be advising my friends to divorce or end their current relationship before getting it on with someone else. 

When their As are discovered, someone's going to ask: did you know about this? Then, what's he going to say? Yes I knew (then why didn't you say something?); No (lies about it implicitly condoning it!). 

I only know of one person who cheated (my xgf). Even if were my best friend, I'd stay out of and away from it. After the blowup, I might resume contact. 

If one of my friends did cheat on his LIFE PARTNER, what else might he cheat on or lie about? I would never be certain of their "loyalty" again.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

BettyBoopJD said:


> Should I be worried that my significant other of 4 years has close friends that cheat on their wives and girlfriends? He may not have any friends at all if he excluded, as friends, men who cheated on wives and girlfriends....:rofl:His friends confide in him and he supports their actions because he claims that it is their own business. However, he tells he that he does not believe in it himself. His own father has cheated on his mother. I am afraid that he since he does not speak out against these acts, that it is not truly an important moral/value of his, however he claims that what is good and works for some couples does not work for others and that he himself does not believe in cheating. Can someone be close to people who cheat, but not believe in cheating? If so, why would he not want to preach to them about their "bad" behavior? Should I be worried?


Someone influential to me once said: "You play with pigs long enough, you will at some point get dirty..."

I'd say , yes, you can be close to people who cheat....one cannot hardly help it considering the amount of cheaters (both male and female) there seem to be in the world (to the extent it is truly disheartening...at times). He may not "want to preach" to them because that makes him a "wet blanket" and they will reject him, so therefore can only conclude he needs these friends more than he needs to preach moral code. Above all, YES, you should be worried. If he hasn't the same moral code as you, you'd best just keep him as a SO or less, if you marry him and you have kids, which moral code will hold in your family life, his or yours??? What if you have SONS  and he teaches them cheating is OK? I'd worry about a son who's father cheated on his mother, and the son isn't up in arms about it....protective of his mother; that in and of itself speaks volumes about your SO's respect for his mother and hence women in general....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Not meaning to hj thread but:

dcrim said: "Were it me, I'd be advising my friends to divorce or end their current relationship before getting it on with someone else".

Don't you mean Getting it _off_ with someone else, dcrim?:rofl:

Sorry...ahem. Been a tad too long! :rofl:


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Huge red flags!!! If he had said something along the lines of loosing respect for them, or him saying his piece about how wrong they are and then moving on...or anything like that...maybe. But think about it....how many times or has he ever covered for them while they were cheating...if he has even once...you should be GONE!!! If he will cover for them, you better bet that cover for him if the time ever comes. Not to mention they may be or may at some point encourage him to cheat.

If I had friends that started cheating, I would loose all respect for them. Good people or not, fun to be around or not...I would not keep them as close friends. And if he is willing to...hes got issues!


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Id hate to be labelled a cheater becaused my friend might cheat. I'd hate to be labelled a stripper because a friend of mine strips. I'd hate to be labelled an alcoholic because a friend of mine is. I'd hate to be labelled a smoker because a friend of mine does.

I am not my friends. I may enjoy certain aspects of them but I am not them. I am my own man. If this man of yours is a follower, then you have issues. If this man is like me and can stand up for what he believes in and makes his own decisions based on his own feelings and not "just go along with it" Then your ok.

Not everyone can have only preachers for friends. (even they are not perfect as we all know) You cannot pick your husbands friends. Trust him to make his own decisions and take it from there.

Dont expect your husband to fix his friends. He isnt going to and he shouldnt be expected to. Dont punish him for it. Obviously he trusts you because if he didnt he wouldnt have shared this information with you.

Information btw, that SHOULD NEVER BE SHARED WITH A WIFE/GF. It's a code breaker and he should have his man card revoked. I would venture a guess that that if his friends knew about it, they wouldnt be his friend anymore.

Hey there's an idea. Spill the beans to all his friends wives. That should stop him from hanging out with them. And quite possibly destroy a few lives.

Or you can punish the person you love and still trust, by the company he keeps. IMO I still retain it to be unfair. Sometimes it's like a lynch mob in here.

Are we playing 6 degree's of kevin bacon with cheating or something? If i know someone who knows someone who cheats and I dont personally crucify them for it, im no better then the cheater? 

There are enough ruinous relationships in the world, we dont need to condone more. ****, If I was your husband and knew you felt that way about me because of my friends? The **** would be hitting the fan in a big way. Unless all your friends are perfect, which id wager they arent, you have no business treating him in such a manner.

Let it also be known I have never once in my life, not even in grammar school cheated on a girl. EVER. I abhor it with every fibre of my soul. Ive seen two of my friends marriages get nuked because of cheating wives. Trust me when I tell you, I HATE it. Again, I still say, if he doesnt do it, he doesnt do it. Not everyone has the capacity for betrayal. Just because a couple of his friends might.


John.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I don't necessarily think that your SO is a cheater because his friends are...I don't necessarily think he needs to preach all the time to them. BUT I do think if you are a "real man" whom doesn't cheat...it doesn't hurt to throw it out there that what they're doing is f*cked up... every now and then and I certainly don't think your SO should get involved w/their cover stories...

I think more oft than not men seem to look the other way when another man friend is boffing some other h*e at the moment (and yes a b*tch that boffs someone's hubby is a hoe) where as women tend be like omg she's cheating on her hubsand what a homewrecking wh*re men tend to be like oh so and so's effing around on his wife shake their heads and get back to the football game...odd.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Don't you mean Getting it _off_ with someone else, dcrim?


LOL...no...when you get it ON, you'll soon be getting OFF.


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## jamie31709 (Jul 1, 2009)

i wish i could say that it doesnt matter but all of my mans friends cheat on there woman and eventually he gave in and cheated too... so be careful and listen to your gut! if you get the feeling hes cheating then look into it! if you dont and you trust him then dont worry about it unless he does something that throws a flag up!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Id hate to be labelled a cheater becaused my friend might cheat. I'd hate to be labelled a stripper because a friend of mine strips. I'd hate to be labelled an alcoholic because a friend of mine is. I'd hate to be labelled a smoker because a friend of mine does.
> 
> I am not my friends. I may enjoy certain aspects of them but I am not them. I am my own man. If this man of yours is a follower, then you have issues. If this man is like me and can stand up for what he believes in and makes his own decisions based on his own feelings and not "just go along with it" Then your ok.
> 
> ...



You can judge a man by the friends he keeps and also is to note, we are talking FRIENDS, not casual aquainatances.... not relatives...
and NOTE: the title of this thread, a man who SUPPORTS this.
SUPPORTS his friends cheating?
yeah... well birds of a feather applies then.

He is an immature man and there are plenty of them around !


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I guess the question then becomes, what does she mean by "support."

Does he not chastise them on the daily and therefor supports them? Which I would not call supporting, but tolerating. Does he cover for them by lying to their wives? That is definately supporting and you should be wary of that.

Could we get a better definition of support please so preso and I can continue our discussion?


John


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

BettyBoopJD said:


> His friends confide in him and he supports their actions


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Thats what I mean. he supports their actions. But how? Does he drive them around in a car not theirs so they dont get caught? Does he make up alibi's for them? Or does he just not tell them how they will burn in hell for what they do? There just isnt enough information for me to be satisfied that he "supports" them.


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## 1st2MakeIt (Jul 14, 2009)

I posted my response to this in the mens clubhouse. I really agree with Nothingman here. You can be around people who ideals and morals you do not agree with and not end up following behind them. No one can coherce you into doing anything unless you already have a weak minded personality/self esteem issues. 
I personally believe "peer pressure" or anything of the sort is just a cop-out for someone who didnt have the testicular fortitude to own up to their actions.
To the OP, I really hope that you will give you husband the benefit of the doubt until you have something concrete to go on. There are too many relationships ending on a thought.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

NO, 1st, you cannot! NM is wrong, too! 

If you hang with those kind of people, it's because you have a proclivity to do the same. That you condone their activities. 

You don't have to drive anyone anywhere, they'll do it on their own. Again, to the OP...get the he!! out!


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## 1st2MakeIt (Jul 14, 2009)

dcrim said:


> NO, 1st, you cannot! NM is wrong, too!
> 
> If you hang with those kind of people, it's because you have a proclivity to do the same. That you condone their activities.
> 
> You don't have to drive anyone anywhere, they'll do it on their own. Again, to the OP...get the he!! out!


Hmm, really... I have friends and family who have smoked cigs, for years, I have never joined their ranks. I have friends who have done time, I havent even ridden by the jail. I also have friends who have same sex relationships and who drink alcohol and then precede to operate their vehicles yet amazingly I have never been compelled to do the same.
Guess Im weird.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Made this reply to your thread in the other forum:



GPR said:


> To me, it depends on what you mean by "supports them". Do you mean he drives them around, or schedules the hook-ups, or relays messages back and forth so the wife doesn't find out? Does he cheer them on and give them high-fives every time they "get some"
> 
> Or do you mean, he listens to their stupid stories and doesn't say anything?
> 
> That's a guy thing. He probably HAS said something once or twice. But after that, it's not his life. He just keeps his mouth shut and rather not get involved. I had a buddy that cheated, and I basically told him once that he was dumbass. I said I'll keep my mouth shut, but not for him, but because I don't want to get in the drama, and never to ask me to help him out with it. And I left it right there.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Smoking isn't the same class as cheating. I smoke! So what? I will never cheat, have never done so and will never support that! I was cheated on and know the pain! CHEATING IS SO WRONG...SO FU.KIN PAINFUL! I WILL NOT SUPPORT or CONDONE IT! PERIOD!!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Good for u dcrim! :smthumbup:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Smoking isn't the same class as cheating. I smoke! So what? I will never cheat, have never done so and will never support that! I was cheated on and know the pain! CHEATING IS SO WRONG...SO FU.KIN PAINFUL! I WILL NOT SUPPORT or CONDONE IT! PERIOD!!!




same here.... 
I know some women who are cheaters... and what I did was tell them ONCE that they were married and it was wrong and I got away from them to not get tangled in that web of lies, deciet.. etc
but a person has to do that on their own ( get away) a spouse in the background telling them to get away from them might only backfire.
We are drawn to friends whom we have things in common with....
if I hung with cheaters, I would learn to cheat... I know that and did not want to learn their ways, so I dropped them of my own accord.


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