# Our mutual female "friend"



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Just thought I would share in case anyone finds themselves in a similar situation.

When hubs and I first met, he was living with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. I didn't like the gf too much. She was a stripper with a bad attitude that always complained about me coming over to see my husband. So I just didn't really talk to her.

Fast forward 4 years. We had been living together for a while, already had a daughter together and I was pregnant with our son. The girl had long broken up with my husband's best friend and my husband hadn't talked to him in a couple of years since he turned out to be a pretty shady dude. Gf contacted my husband via FB to ask how life's been, etc. She got my phone number from him as she was pregnant and wanted some mommy friends. I thought it was weird. She called and we talked a few times but every time she tried to hang out with me I made excuses because I just didn't know her like that and don't often trust people. 

Finally, after my son was born, I decided it couldn't hurt to meet up with her. She acted really "inspired by me". She had a troubled past and was now working as a paralegal at a law firm, pregnant with her first child, I thought she genuinely wanted a new life and looked up to me because I was a "family woman". Over the course of a year, her and I hung out several times. I even threw this girl a baby shower. But last year I stopped calling her because an incident happened at her house that sort of showed she was into drama and I don't have time for people like that. So I just distanced myself and continued to talk via fb here and there.

Last week, she hit me up on chat to ask how things were going and how I was handling my parents divorce. I told her I was managing and she said something along the lines of "Yeah last time I had a conversation over the phone with your husband he told me you were pretty distraught". I didn't care that she called my husband but she really did look for a round about way to inform me she talked to him on the phone. She made it out to be like she talked to him last week but hubs said it's been about 4 months LOL. 

So yesterday while my husband, sister and I were sitting in my living room, the phone rang and it was her. I told him to answer it to see what she wanted, even though he didn't really want to talk to her, he's not really fond of the girl because she's dramafied. He answered the phone and I checked my phone to see if she called me. NOPE. She just called him to talk to him. She starts rambling about her life and how everything is looking up for her, she just found another job she's excited about, looking into buying a house. The whole time, my husband is looking at me making faces like, "Why did you make me answer this phone" LOL. 

When he got off the phone with her about 30 minutes later, I told him and my sister that I was suspicious of her for calling him and not calling me. My sister agreed but my husband thought maybe it was just innocent. So we are all sitting there on our laptops and lo and behold, she hits him up on FB LOL. I begged him to chat with her just to see how far she would go but he told me to do it instead, he had no desire to talk to her. 

Now remember, I threw this girl a baby shower when no one else would. I consoled her through all of her drama. When her daughter was only 2 weeks old, I watched her so she could go back to work. This girl was supposed to be "my friend". 

I started chatting with her and it started out totally innocent. Then she started talking about how successful she's been lately, she's about to come into a lot of money with this job, blah blah blah. Starts complimenting herself about how she's a "go-getter" who knows how to work hard for what she wants and doesn't depend on a man for anything (yeah right lol).

THEN she starts throwing ME under the bus for being a stay at home mom. This is something her and I have talked about MANY times. She knew my husband preferred that I work to bring in extra money but since I have a child with disabilities I chose to stay home to help him with his issues. I also wanted to stay home with my other two while they are young and then go back to work when they got school age. Though he didn't agree, he respected my decision, at least. I've confided in this girl that sometimes I felt like my husband thought I was lazy for staying at home instead of working. Basically, everything I told this girl, she used it against me to make herself look good. She told him I should have taken action a long time ago, people across america work and their kids turn out ok, etc. She started really playing herself up to look good in front of my husband and just cut me down left and right. Finally I came out and told her it was me and told her to basically take a hike. Then my husband told her he didn't appreciate her disrespecting me like that and deleted her from his FB. 

My husband was in total disbelief. He had NO idea about this girl. I told him several times that I felt like she befriended me to get to him because every time he came around she would brag about how successful and career oriented she was, blah blah blah. Basically, my husband thought she was just an innocent female that admired me and that was it. Sometimes, women know better. I am glad she showed her true colors so I could weed her out. She has been in one failed relationship after another and was SO jealous of my life. Women LOVE seeing a man who is committed and who handles business. She didn't need to date him to see what kind of guy he was, she was able to see it firsthand through befriending me. She always ranted and raved about how lucky I was to find a guy like him.....now I see why.

Trust your instincts. If someone rubs you the wrong way, there is probably a good reason. I totally trusted my husband with her. She has come over to pick stuff up from our house (old baby items, etc) when I wasn't around. My husband is totally devoted to me and had no interest but the silly girl still thought she had a shot with him. Now she just looks stupid.:rofl:

My husband is glad I talked to her because like he said, he would have had no idea otherwise.....


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

First off well done you and your H for working this together, Many women would ahve started sharpening the knife to cut his bits off without realising he wanted this female out of the way. One point to make. ANY parent that stays at hoem to bring up a family of 3 is certainly NOT lazy especially when one of the children has a disability. Many family coucillors these days recommend that one parent is there to reduce latch-key children and provide a stable home life irrespective of tight money can become. So an added pat on the back for that. I find that chat rooms, more recently FB and texting is having a damaging effect on many relationships - It is something that finds the cracks in a reasonable relationship and drive a huge stake through it


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh, this definitely goes both ways.

Back before we were married, whenever my wife would make a new male friend, I'd just "know" if his intentions were beyond friendship, or not. We never put any stipulations or boundaries on the sex of our friends, so she was free to be friends with whomever she chose.

But on three different occasions I said "watch out for him, he's going to make a move". She trusts me, but she disagreed. "Oh he just wants to be my friend!". 

One guy was a co-worker old enough to be our father. I'd never met him, but could tell right away from her conversations about their friendship that this man was falling in love with her. Low and behold his real intentions became very clear, and he convinced himself that he could "steal" her away from me, and that they had a real shot. He did his little song and dance routine for quite awhile, and she'd come home and tell me about it, and I'd either laugh, or sometimes just feel for the guy. That all pretty much ended when she told him that everything he says she tells me. He was floored. She asked why was he so shocked when she'd told him that we keep transparency in our relationship. He said he didn't really believe her. He'd convinced himself that their relationship was "special", and that none of their interactions were making it back to the fiance. Needless to say that threw a huge bucket of cold water on this middle aged Lothario. 

The other guy, and I kid you not, was in training to be a Catholic PRIEST. Yes! She met him in a human resources training class for her job, and they were partnered up in a group project. He didn't show any outward signs of infatuation, at least from her perspective, but still I just had a feeling about it and I told her as much. She was adamant that this was not even remotely possible. He was committing to a life of celibacy in the priesthood, had never done anything remotely inappropriate, and they'd built a nice, platonic friendship. 

Low and behold she had him up at her apartment, chilling, and he makes his move. Confesses that he's thinking of stopping this priesthood process, and renouncing his vow to the church FOR HER. To say she was taken aback would be a severe understatement. She told him that she loved their friendship, but she did not feel that way at all. She said that you know I'm madly in love with J. He said that he knows she feels the same, that this passion has been burning between them for months, and that she can now be free to admit it. She had no idea what the **** he was talking about, and asked him to leave. They communicated a few times after that, with him still believing that she was in love with him because, according to him, "I couldn't have just been feeling all of this in a vacuum". She made it clear that under conditions, nor at any time, has she EVER had any romantic feelings for him, thoughts about him, and she never would. She reiterated that her heart belongs to me, and it always will. Once he got the message he was destroyed. He'd actually seriously been having a _Thornbirds _fantasy about this, and was going to renounce everything for her. His whole identity was in shambles. She hasn't spoken to the man since.

I had to get it through my wife's head that she's very easy to fall in love with. She's lovely, genuine, very kind, sweet, respectful, and full of cheer and light. And when she considers you a friend, she embraces you with love. She's a dream. I never blamed any of these men for falling, and never felt threatened by them (though I had to implore her time and time again to BE CAREFUL because there are dangers in the world). 

Needless to say, she fully listens now when I tell her about my feelings.


----------



## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I've seen it time and time again...

A little over a year ago, I had befriended a woman because our daughters were friends. Come to find out, she was trying to get to my husband through me. I saw right through it! 

I found out she did cause problems in another one of her gf's marriages. The husband wanted to leave his wife for her. 

You have to be so careful ....


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

kl84, All of my "friends" are on this board. I haven't had any of the"other" kind since I left town after my divorce.
The last friend you want around is one who makes you uncomfortable with yourself.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband and I made a friend online, on a game we used to play. I had a feeling that she wanted more than friendship from him, but put it out of my mind because she quit playing for awhile and we lost contact. Well, when she returned to the game, my husband and I were going thru a rough time and I did talk to her about some of it. She used it to her advantage. Fortunately, I followed my gut this time and she is OUT for GOOD! 

Yes, there is more to the story, but the point is that when faced with our 12 year marriage and the 4 year friendship, my husband chose to end the friendship, and she flipped out. We now watch ourselves much better.


----------



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Maybe your husband has been talking to her the whole time, but telling you he hasn't. You just happened to finally catch him so he had to end it. A possibility. Sometimes things aren't as innocent as they seem.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

A skeeze my stbxh was talking to pretended to be my friend just to get more interaction with my h. He'd been trashing her left and right to me (and she really is ugly both inside and out, but is a total kiss-ass), but on the sly was encouraging her flirtation because it was an ego boost. Maybe keep an eye on your h for a while. I hope all has been honest and as it seems because if so, that's awesome!


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

No, he hasn't been talking to her. My husband and I have a very open relationship. I can question him about things without being labelled as "controlling or insecure". I have access to phone records, passwords, etc..... not that I need it. My husband does not go out partying, is home on time every night, talks to me on the way to work, on all of his breaks, and on his way home every night. We are best friends.

I understand the concern but honestly not every man looks for a way to cheat on their partner. Him and I have both been debating on deleting her for some time now because her FB updates are seriously like the academy awards 5 times a day.....It's funny because she contacted him after he posted a comment on one of her updates. She's one of those people that has a life changing epiphany every 2 days, then is bellyaching about how life isn't fair the next day LOL. So when she posted her academy award acceptance speech on FB, he simply asked her what happened with the whole "if someone with a truck doesn't come help me move my stuff out by midnight it's all going to the dump" situation that just occurred the previous day LOL. 

We used this as an opportunity to talk about how people try to move in on someone. She literally took everything I ever told her and used it to her advantage. If someone who claims to be my "friend" could do this, think of what a perfect stranger is capable of. He agreed. He's with me on the no opposite sex friends thing and now we also know that even between mutual friends, if they are showing one partner more attention than the other, something may not be right.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

The fact that this woman used you to get marridge intelligence when pretending to be your friend is disturbing. Frequently a gut feeling needs to be acted upon and as long as you and your H have discussed the issue and how youve come to be in this situation so far so good. These people, male and female are out there and use these tactics to force a small but very effective wedge between partners who until then were comfortable. It can be that your H is enjoying the attention (I dont feel that personally) but only you can gauge this but is is fair to support a previous post that says keeping your eyes open would not be unreasonable.

Good luck with this


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

omg she found out she was talking to you thats some pretty sweet justice :smthumbup:


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cut her out of your life RIGHT NOW.

The other thing that's interesting here, she seems quite capable of gettig pregnant without having any stable male relationships in her life. Did you ever meet either of these sperm donors?


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Cut her out of your life RIGHT NOW.
> 
> The other thing that's interesting here, she seems quite capable of gettig pregnant without having any stable male relationships in her life. Did you ever meet either of these sperm donors?


She met her baby's father when she was parked outside of a gas station after her and her boyfriend got into a fight. Went back to his place and I guess the rest is history. He doesn't want anything to do with her, he just helps take care of the baby. I met him once and as crappy as it was to take a chick home on night #1, he seemed like a level headed guy. Has a good, stable career, makes decent money, etc. This girl has a way of tricking people into thinking she's normal. I caught on a while ago that she was a total sociopath....but now her pushing up on my husband only confirms it.


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Pault said:


> The fact that this woman used you to get marridge intelligence when pretending to be your friend is disturbing. Frequently a gut feeling needs to be acted upon and as long as you and your H have discussed the issue and how youve come to be in this situation so far so good. These people, male and female are out there and use these tactics to force a small but very effective wedge between partners who until then were comfortable. It can be that your H is enjoying the attention (I dont feel that personally) but only you can gauge this but is is fair to support a previous post that says keeping your eyes open would not be unreasonable.
> 
> Good luck with this


He gets hit on.....but he's a down to earth guy. As hard as it is to believe, there really are some great men out in the world and he's one of them. But if he were the type to be totally flattered by this sort of stuff, it wouldn't be by this one LOL. He can't stand her lol.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

kl84 said:


> He gets hit on.....but he's a down to earth guy. As hard as it is to believe, there really are some great men out in the world and he's one of them. But if he were the type to be totally flattered by this sort of stuff, it wouldn't be by this one LOL. He can't stand her lol.


The fact she tried to get on his good side by slagging you off shows how ignorant she is of how good relationships work.


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

abitlost said:


> The fact she tried to get on his good side by slagging you off shows how ignorant she is of how good relationships work.


Yeah she's clueless. She has no idea how the world in general operates, let alone how to make a relationship work.

This is a girl who has solicited FB for babysitters since her daughter was 4 months old. YES. She does that. She has over 500 friends on FB, and will get on there asking if anyone can watch her daughter for the night so she can have "time to herself" LOL. Funny because as I type this, one of her friends is keeping her daughter for four days. Mind you, she doesn't totally know these people. I have went off on her about this before but it's in one ear and out the other. 

I think with her it was a combination of being attracted to my husband AND being jealous of me at the same time. She copied me a LOT and that's one thing I hate, i've never been flattered by a copy cat...... but my husband would show me a new pic she posted on FB with her hair JUST like mine.....or she would start talking about politics (knowing i'm passionate about it) and she doesn't know the first thing about politics.... so we just sort of thought she looked up to me, he'd laugh and say "you're an inspiration" but now we see she wanted to BE me lol. I wish there was a way all of her friends could know what she did but i'm sure she will show them her true colors as well.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

abitlost said:


> The fact she tried to get on his good side by slagging you off shows how ignorant she is of how good relationships work.



But this tactic seems to work. My fiance's EA told him to drop me because he unwittingly told herabout our sex life (lack thereof at the time) and she told him to drop me to date her since without sex, the relationship obviously wasn't progressing.

He continued to call her a friend for the next 7 months when I put an end to it. (it was not his (first) choice.)

I've read a few other stories where EAs led to PAs through that route as well.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Nothing like team work!


----------

