# Definition of sex



## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

I've heard people say countless times that they had been so many days/weeks/months and even years without sex. 

When you hear/say this, do you consider ALL sexual actions within this time frame such as Oral Sex, Hand Jobs, etc., or is it just a reference to the act of sex/coitus?

Sorry if this wasn't written too clearly.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Won't anyone reply?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Well, in my case it covers every single activity except masturbation.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Well, when I say "sex," I usually mean PIV sex. But my SO and I were recently having some problems that made PIV not so successful and it got me thinking about how I define sex and wondering if I defined it too narrowly. I have a gay friend who for many years never had anal sex at all. He defined sex as oral sex and hand jobs. To him, that was sex. To me those things feel like foreplay. But as I think about getting older and how the body fails us at times, I think I should perhaps redefine my idea of sex. 

So....I think I answered your question. But I don't think there is one final answer.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Thanks Lionlday and Climbing the walls. For me, I consider all sexual acts to fall under sex, but I do see sex as more important/intimate than say a handjob or oral sex. 

My wife and I have went about 2 and a half years without having sex, but she has given me a very few and unpleasant and rushed hand jobs over those two plus years. 

The only thing we have done on any consistent matter is mutually masturbate as in she masturbates herself while I masturbate myself in the same room with no touching. We do this about 10 or less times a year if I'm lucky.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

For me sex is mutual climax/satisfaction. Oral sex to the finish if done both ways or 69 are sex. DW will never blow me to to the finish, and I won't push her for that. Nor would she allow me anal, and I'm okay with that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mark, I saw the other part of your story in the "sexless thread". Maybe you can give some more insight about your marriage. It sounds like you are a fairly strong Christian, which actually can get you into tough circumstances in a marriage. Also, you indicated that she might have cheated on you in the past, but you don't know? Is there a chance that she is still cheating, or do you suspect that she is currently cheating now? If so, you may want to start a thread on the coping with infidelity forum.

But to summarize briefly my thoughts:

You are too nice to her and try to give her everything she wants.
She sees your willingness to give her anything despite how she treats you. Therefore, she does not respect you.
Your wife probably has a normal sex drive - she does not want to have sex with you.
You need to find out what she's up to to satisfy her urges. Is she masturbating regularly, or is she cheating on you?
Your lack of sex is not a cause of your marital issues - it's a symptom of some deeper underlying cause(s).


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Thank you for the kind words Plan 9. I have believed what you stated as well for the last several years. I have loved her though and wanted to give her everything. However, I believe she has saw that as weakness.

I have belived also for some time now that if she respected me, she would have never treated me the way she has. I just don't know what I have done to make her treat me like I am worthless and deserve no respect...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mark Ford said:


> Thank you for the kind words Plan 9. I have believed what you stated as well for the last several years. I have loved her though and wanted to give her everything. However, I believe she has saw that as weakness.
> 
> I have belived also for some time now that if she respected me, she would have never treated me the way she has. I just don't know what I have done to make her treat me like I am worthless and deserve no respect...


For starters, if you have been giving your wife everything she wants - and more - STOP.


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## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

Mark Ford I know that I could not stay in a marriage without sex, I define sex as oral sex, anal, penis to Vagina, penis to mouth, kisses, touches, and truly bringing that special someone to climax. Masturbation is nice but there nothing like that special someone that pleases you an go out of there way to please you.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sex defined by someone in a sexless relationship ... The wind.
Sex defined by someone getting it all the time.....PIV.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Mark - I think many of the sexless couples here sleep/lie in bed with enough room in between them for a third person or an elephant, as the case maybe.

There is no intimacy or connection..... none at all. 

I just couldn't live that way! It would be soul destroying.

The link below is about bonding behaviors in a marriage.... how many of these do you and your wife do *every* day?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marnia-robinson/sure-ways-to-stay-in-love_b_282615.htm

Regarding respect... that must feel very painful for you to feel so disrespected. I'm sorry your feeling that way, all the more reason to be proactive about finding a solution. 

Why do YOU think she has so little respect? What has SHE said about it? Is she respectful towards people generally?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

To me, having sex means PIV sex. That is sex. Other sexual activities have their own names.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Mark Ford said:


> Thank you for the kind words Plan 9. I have believed what you stated as well for the last several years. I have loved her though and wanted to give her everything. However, I believe she has saw that as weakness.
> 
> I have belived also for some time now that if she respected me, she would have never treated me the way she has. * I just don't know what I have done to make her treat me like I am worthless and deserve no respect...*


What you have done is give her everything. That's why she treats you the way she does. 

She's one of those people who, if you give them everything, they start to think they deserve it and start treating you like you're obliged to give it to her. She's not grateful, she doesn't feel loved, she just feels entitled by all you give her. She doesn't see it as your gift to her out of love, she sees it as the established rules of your relationship: you give, she takes, ok, got it.

She doesn't respect you for giving her everything; she expects you to, and looks down on you for it. You must be less important than she if you're always giving her everything while she gives less and less, right? 

This doesn't speak well of her character. Other women might thrive with a man who loves freely and those women would give everything right back to him, too. But not your wife. She's a different sort of woman.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

gbrad said:


> To me, having sex means PIV sex. That is sex. Other sexual activities have their own names.


What like.... anal *sex* or oral *sex* :scratchhead:

They're not sex  

gbrad....are you really Bill Clinton?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

waiwera said:


> What like.... anal *sex* or oral *sex* :scratchhead:
> 
> They're not sex
> 
> gbrad....are you really Bill Clinton?


Whenever I say sex, I am refering to regular sex (PIV). If I don't say penis in vagina sex or anything else like that, I say sex. If I tell my wife I want to have sex, that is what I mean. If I want a BJ, I don't say, i want sex. I would either say oral sex, BJ, or go down. 
Anal sex on the other hand, not touching that with a ten foot pole, not right.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Waiwera, you are right. My wife and I have a king size bed and she does indeed sleep on the other side of it ALL the way away from me.

Norajane, she is a different kind of woman since I just don't see other women doing as she has done. Her friends have been jealous of our relationship for a LONG time and WISHED their guy was as good to them as I am to her.

These are their words, not mine by the way. The husbands/boyfriends of my wife's friends never take them anywhere, never buy them anything, never get them flowers, cards, etc. and never write them letters. 

Yet my wife never sees the value in me. I am like some prize for her to tote around in front of people ALL for her attention. However, if anyone was paying attention, we never kiss, hold hands, or sit close to each other in public. 

We also have no child or plans to have a child. That should send up red flags to most but I suppose she has them fooled and this is EXACTLY what she wants she she so very much desires to be seen as the good girl by those around her.

I've never understood why I have merited such harsh treatment from her. It is as if I've done some grave misdeed to her and she is just tolerating me.

I love my wife by I just don't see anyone woman I personally know doing their man they way she has done me if I treated them the way I've treated her.


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## ReallyRandy (Nov 13, 2012)

CupCake522 said:


> Mark Ford I know that I could not stay in a marriage without sex, I define sex as oral sex, anal, penis to Vagina, penis to mouth, kisses, touches, and truly bringing that special someone to climax. Masturbation is nice but there nothing like that special someone that pleases you an go out of there way to please you.


I agree with Cup Cake. I would add that performing oral on my wife is sex even if I don't continue with PIV sex or other actions for my own sexual pleasure. For me the excitement of my wife and her convulsions is up there with the best sex. Sexual arousal or sexual climax for any one or both parties is sex.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Many years ago I had a friend who was married. She had an encounter with another man, and I will never forget this. She told me it wasn't cheating on her H because she only gave the OM a blow job in his car. She didn't have sex with him. I argued with her about this because in my eyes this WAS sex and she DID cheat on her husband. Was I wrong?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No you were right loriC...don't cheaters come out with some absolute garbage to rationalize their nasty behavior!

Mark Ford - you deserve to be treated better than you are...and you know it!

How she treats you in public is all very well but i believe what is most telling is how she acts on a day to day basis at home, alone with you. 

This is not what a happy and healthy marriage looks or feels like.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lori, my definition meshes with yours. IMO anal, oral, and PIV are ALL sex. I mean, if anal and oral don't count, then homosexuals never have sex... I think they'd disagree with that, don't you?


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Lori, my definition meshes with yours. IMO anal, oral, and PIV are ALL sex. I mean, if anal and oral don't count, then homosexuals never have sex... I think they'd disagree with that, don't you?


Absolutely, in my opinion if you are Putting it in one of your holes or entering it in one of somebody else's its called sex.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The whole thing is sex to me. We can have just oral or just PIV or both, what does it matter, it is all sex.
When I have my period it is just BJ's for a few days, I still see this as sex, not just a BJ. I am fully emotionally invested in the act of giving a BJ.
Hell this guy has given me O's through nipple stimulation, that is sex.

Our foreplay starts in the morning with kisses, showering together then continues on through the day with flirty and suggestive txts. Sex then starts when we are home and our clothes are coming off.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I guess it just comes down to terminology and what it actually means to you. I'm not sure what it really matters. If my wife and I were to do oral one night and I was telling my buddy about it I wouldn't say we had sex, I would say we did oral. Thats just the way I would phrase it. I'm just not sure why what each person calls it really matters.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I guess it just comes down to terminology and what it actually means to you. I'm not sure what it really matters. If my wife and I were to do oral one night and I was telling my buddy about it I wouldn't say we had sex, I would say we did oral. Thats just the way I would phrase it. I'm just not sure why what each person calls it really matters.


Funny, most guys I know would have said "I went down on her" not say "we had oral"... but then there's the wording (or terminology, as you called it).... it is commonly referred to as oral SEX, anal SEX...while PIV isn't usually called "vaginal sex", but most know it as such. Yea, many will drop the word "sex" and just say "oral" or "anal"... but still, it's called sex. Do you think a lesbian will say "I gave my gf oral last night"? Or is she more likely to say "we had sex"? Same with a gay man... is it "We had anal"? Or is "we had sex"? Can't have it both ways.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Funny, most guys I know would have said "I went down on her" not say "we had oral"... but then there's the wording (or terminology, as you called it).... it is commonly referred to as oral SEX, anal SEX...while PIV isn't usually called "vaginal sex", but most know it as such. Yea, many will drop the word "sex" and just say "oral" or "anal"... but still, it's called sex. Do you think a lesbian will say "I gave my gf oral last night"? Or is she more likely to say "we had sex"? Same with a gay man... is it "We had anal"? Or is "we had sex"? Can't have it both ways.


Personally I don't even want to get into the gay sex situations, since I don't think that is right. 
I also do say the phrase went down. The point I was trying to make is that I only ever say to my friend, "we had sex" if there was actual PIV sex.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I guess it just comes down to terminology and what it actually means to you. I'm not sure what it really matters. If my wife and I were to do oral one night and I was telling my buddy about it I wouldn't say we had sex, I would say we did oral. Thats just the way I would phrase it. I'm just not sure why what each person calls it really matters.


OT but do many people tell their mates if they had sex last night? Just asking out of interest.
I have sometimes said to a GF that SO and I have a great sex life but not give details.
The only person IRL that I talk about the details with is SO.

Then again I never told anyone IRL that I was in a sexless marriage previously which was a mistake because I felt so alone. Wish I had of known about TAM then.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Holland said:


> OT but do many people tell their mates if they had sex last night? Just asking out of interest.
> I have sometimes said to a GF that SO and I have a great sex life but not give details.
> The only person IRL that I talk about the details with is SO.
> 
> Then again I never told anyone IRL that I was in a sexless marriage previously which was a mistake because I felt so alone. Wish I had of known about TAM then.


Not sure about my mates, but my friends and I will share stories. Not all of them do, but a couple of them will. One of them is married, the other is single. So is different types of stories that are swapped.


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