# why i feel my wife doesnt give me enough sex,and she says i just use her as sexslave



## A Latin man (May 30, 2012)

will i how do i start this? I have been married for 8 years. my wife is older then me by 8 years so i am younger then her so i guess my drive is a little stronger then hers. but she feels that i only touch her when i want some. which i admit i have done. but she made me that way because when we first got together i was always tryed to be all over her not sexual just trying tohold her hand or hug or put my arm on her. and i wanted that in return. but she said she doesnt like that. so for years i tried to get that kind response i guess like not a clingy wife but a wife that i know cares. but it didnt work. so the only time she would show me any physical is when we had sex. and i guess for years its been like that. but for the last i say 2 years she wants me to hug her hold her and be moreloving i guess. but i dont because for years thats what i wanted. will the sex has got worse and i dont mean in bed i mean less i say about once to two times a month maybe three if i am lucky. 
so she tells me that its a chore for her when we do it. and i say how you should want me as much as i want you. but i guess that's not true. 
I can admit i dont clean around the house during the week. but i use to clean every sunday and cook plus cook one other day of the week. we do have two kids that go to school. 
but i have stop doing anything lately because i feel. (please ladies dont chew me out) but i dont get enough sex. and also its not like i come home to a clean house every day. there is dirty dishs living room whole house is upside down. and it's like that 4 out of the 7 days of the week. and she does work but i say the most 16 to 20 hours a week from home. 
so am i wrong for asking for more sex ....???
will let me know thanks.:scratchhead:


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

A Latin man said:


> will i how do i start this? I have been married for 8 years. my wife is older then me by 8 years so i am younger then her so i guess my drive is a little stronger then hers. but she feels that i only touch her when i want some. which i admit i have done. but she made me that way because when we first got together i was always tryed to be all over her not sexual just trying tohold her hand or hug or put my arm on her. and i wanted that in return. but she said she doesnt like that. so for years i tried to get that kind response i guess like not a clingy wife but a wife that i know cares. but it didnt work. so the only time she would show me any physical is when we had sex. and i guess for years its been like that. but for the last i say 2 years she wants me to hug her hold her and be moreloving i guess. but i dont because for years thats what i wanted. will the sex has got worse and i dont mean in bed i mean less i say about once to two times a month maybe three if i am lucky.
> so she tells me that its a chore for her when we do it. and i say how you should want me as much as i want you. but i guess that's not true.
> I can admit i dont clean around the house during the week. but i use to clean every sunday and cook plus cook one other day of the week. we do have two kids that go to school.
> but i have stop doing anything lately because i feel. (please ladies dont chew me out) but i dont get enough sex. and also its not like i come home to a clean house every day. there is dirty dishs living room whole house is upside down. and it's like that 4 out of the 7 days of the week. and she does work but i say the most 16 to 20 hours a week from home.
> ...


Well, you live in the home too, and they are your children as well. So you should be cleaning up after yourself and helping out with household chores. One thing that really irritated me about my ex husband was he worked from home (he wasn't a slacker) but he wouldn't do any type of house work, and it got old. It was one of me vs six of them, and it was very tiring having to clean up after my little babies, his teenage children and him! I don't buy into all that "Well I only clean when I get sex" Blah on that, if you're both working, you both clean the house you both live in. Period.

So okay, on to only touching her when you want sex. I could see why that could turn someone off. If you show no other types of affection to your wife, you are probably not meeting HER needs, so she probably feels she shouldn't meet yours. So maybe give her a hug, kiss or shoulder squeeze when walking by and winking at her and say you love her and then continue on doing whatever it is you were doing. Date her, make her feel like the woman she was when you two dated. I always get frustrated when I hear "I don't get sex like I did when I was dating her" the person gets asked "Do you do things like you did with her when dating?" "Well uh, no" 

Try talking to her. Communication is vital to any relationship. Make it a priority. Try counseling together. Do more family oriented things (parks, movies-and maybe hold her hand during the movie, stuff like that)

I know there is some books around this forum, I'm sure someone will link them or suggest them. I forget what they are, sorry.

Good Luck.


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## A Latin man (May 30, 2012)

to> ScaredandUnsure i understand what you are saying and you right about me cleaning up after myself.but she only works saturday and sundays. iwork 6 days a week so i should come home from a 10 hour day from work while she has been home all day not doing anything. and then help her clean and take care of kids? i dont understand that?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Of course not... I don't understand either... If every time I got home my wife hadn't done anything, I wouldn't feel like doing anything either...

Then you're not getting sex, and they will blame you for not helping more... When they play this game you can't win this way. There are other things you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Plus Op tried to be non-sexually affectionate before to his wife and she had a problem with that, now it's his fault for the demise of their sexual relationship because he's not hugging her??? Sounds like female games to me.

OP, if you were doing chores and she wasn't doing any, you're very right in temporarily letting things at home go, yourself. Make sure you just don't neglect your children. If anything, spend your extra time with them bonding. Your wife needs to wake up, and you need to back off and wait until she's willing to work for it too. Sex isn't a reward for good behavior. It's supposed to be something she wants to and will try to fix, HERSELF, too. She's not doing you any favors by screwing you, it's for the health of HER marriage as well as yours.
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## Itscomplicated (May 30, 2012)

I would separate out the sex and the house cleaning. They are separate matters though possibly related.

You two do not sound connected at all. Sex inside a relationship is something that happens when two people are emotionally connected. You two sound burnt out and dissatisfied. I did not see anything in your post about heart to heart talks about your marriage and sharing feelings. I saw complaints about sex and childcare and housework. No one gets together and stays committed if all they feel is frustration towards their partner.

I would suggest therapy if you want your marriage to make it. Be aware that just because she doesn't want sex with you doesn't mean she won't wake up one day and realize she wants sex with someone. Same could easily happen to you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Of course not... I don't understand either... If every time I got home my wife hadn't done anything, I wouldn't feel like doing anything either...
> 
> Then you're not getting sex, and they will blame you for not helping more... When they play this game you can't win this way. There are other things you can do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you're saying that because you work, you shouldn't have to clean up after yourself? I'm not saying do all the housework, but nothing is more irritating then to have to clean up your S/O dishes from the living room because they're too damn lazy to take them to the sink.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Plus Op tried to be non-sexually affectionate before to his wife and she had a problem with that, now it's his fault for the demise of their sexual relationship because he's not hugging her??? Sounds like female games to me.
> 
> OP, if you were doing chores and she wasn't doing any, you're very right in temporarily letting things at home go, yourself. Make sure you just don't neglect your children. If anything, spend your extra time with them bonding. Your wife needs to wake up, and you need to back off and wait until she's willing to work for it too. Sex isn't a reward for good behavior. It's supposed to be something she wants to and will try to fix, HERSELF, too. She's not doing you any favors by screwing you, it's for the health of HER marriage as well as yours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well he's the one who posted. I don't see his wife here posting.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

A Latin man said:


> to> ScaredandUnsure i understand what you are saying and you right about me cleaning up after myself.but she only works saturday and sundays. iwork 6 days a week so i should come home from a 10 hour day from work while she has been home all day not doing anything. and then help her clean and take care of kids? i dont understand that?


I certainly don't think she should be a slob and do nothing. But I don't think because you work, you should leave dishes piled in the living room, or your clothes all over the place. But you should take care of your children, I don't care how much you work, they are belong to the both of you, as does your home. CPS wouldn't care who did what or didn't do what if your kids are living in filth, you'd both get into trouble for it. 

I'm not saying you should take on all the chores, she should get the brunt end of them. But again, it doesn't give you a free pass to be a huge slob.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Well he's the one who posted. I don't see his wife here posting.


Correct... That's the point. I can't tell her to make an effort can I?

So I can tell him to make sure she puts an effort too and/or hold her accountable if she doesn't, right?

There will be more than wealth of posters who will have him running circles with things he needs to do, so at least one reminding him of her responsibility shouldn't be a big deal, right?
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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When you were cleaning and cooking, you got squat. When you tried to hug her, you got squat. The one common feature over the past eight years is that whatever you want, you're not going to get. You could raise the dead and turn water into wine but you've married a selfish controller and that, my friend, is that. I absolutely guarantee that if you took over all household duties, dropped grapes in her mouth while she sits in the bubble bath you drew for her, and wrote her love poems, you're still going to get squat. She has already told you it's a chore to her. If she chooses to consider making love to her husband as a chore, that says more about the screwed up mess between her ears than about whatever you are or aren't doing. She works 16 hours a week? I'd call that "vacation".


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> So you're saying that because you work, you shouldn't have to clean up after yourself? I'm not saying do all the housework, but nothing is more irritating then to have to clean up your S/O dishes from the living room because they're too damn lazy to take them to the sink.


You actually just described HIS problem with HER from his original post in fully accurate detail, down to the dishes. He's getting home to dirty dishes in the LIVING ROOM because his "S/O" was too damn lazy to take them to the sink. In your own words, nothing is more irritating.

Anyhow, temporarily, I suggest he take his own dishes and she may leave hers until she agrees she should be pitching in and helping and then that could BOTH start cleaning, not just him, which if she works just two days a week and not during the week, I would expect my wife to do most of it anyway and of course I'd still help. Do you better understand my position? I hope this answers your question. I wouldn't mind explaining further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> When you were cleaning and cooking, you got squat. When you tried to hug her, you got squat. The one common feature over the past eight years is that whatever you want, you're not going to get. You could raise the dead and turn water into wine but you've married a selfish controller and that, my friend, is that. I absolutely guarantee that if you took over all household duties, dropped grapes in her mouth while she sits in the bubble bath you drew for her, and wrote her love poems, you're still going to get squat. She has already told you it's a chore to her. If she chooses to consider making love to her husband as a chore, that says more about the screwed up mess between her ears than about whatever you are or aren't doing. She works 16 hours a week? I'd call that "vacation".


Finally, someone with sense.

Now from here, we can build toward good advice for him but the bull**** needs to be cut before he gives up even more control... Very unbalanced right now. She's jangling the keys right now while he kicks rocks not realizing no matter what he does if he tries to please her he'll lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

My husband and I fell I to this rut, his drive was higher than mine and he only showed affection when he wanted some which unfortunatlely was all the time so i started shunning his affection, now that being said I was also at the time a stay home mom to two babies and miserable because I didn't have my identity and we were always broke, we went to counseling and we both aired or issues and the counselor a lady told me that "if I was your husband I just heard i was last on your list" she also addressed his lack of concern for my need of emotional connection before sex, and to meet me in the middle on the drive issue. His was very very high and the more I gave in the more he wanted it so I felt like it was a losing battle.onlywhen we put our relationship as a whole back as a priority, each of us addressing each others needs did we reconnect. But I never got that last on the listthing out of my head, to this day.
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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I think they are both responsible. Both of them are responsible for the disconnected marriage they are in. Both are responsible to provide care and affection for their children. And both are responsible to make sure their children aren't living in a filthy home. 

If he doesn't want to touch her affectionately after she said she wanted more of that, fine. He can decide what he wants to do with that. They are just going to make each other miserable by ignoring each others needs, grow to resent/hate each other, and end up either in a cold, loveless marriage with one or both of them going outside the marriage for the needs they both need or divorce and move on. 

I suggest counseling for the both of them, probably IC for each of them, and maybe parenting classes and/or home economics to teach them to clean up their home and after their own selves.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> You actually just described HIS problem with HER from his original post in fully accurate detail, down to the dishes. He's getting home to dirty dishes in the LIVING ROOM because his "S/O" was too damn lazy to take them to the sink. In your own words, nothing is more irritating.
> 
> Anyhow, temporarily, I suggest he take his own dishes and she may leave hers until she agrees she should be pitching in and helping and then that could BOTH start cleaning, not just him, which if she works just two days a week and not during the week, I would expect my wife to do most of it anyway and of course I'd still help. Do you better understand my position? I hope this answers your question. I wouldn't mind explaining further.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He said he doesn't clean up after himself! 

But I do understand both sides. I totally see where you're coming from. And I don't disagree with you. I think it is just frustrating when two grown people refuse to clean up after themselves and clean the home their children live in. Like I said CPS wouldn't give two squats who did or didn't do what, if they let their house get bad, they'll both get into trouble.

I am a SAHM, I've been one for 11 years, my house is far from white glove inspection, but it isn't awful and my kids wouldn't get taken away for health hazzards. I just got a part time job working nights, I still expect to do all the house work. I'm okay with that. But I'd be pissed if my S/O left his crap all over the house or expected me to clean up his stuff (which I do his laundry and clean up whatever, I have no issues with that, nor do I feel like a slave doing it, it's my choice).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A Latin Man,

You've been with her eight years. You know her pretty well. If no kids were involved and she were given the choice of having you around a few hours every day at your present income or having you gone but replaced by a monthly check for double your present salary, which would she choose?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Indeed... But doing her chores for her would be foolish. And after training the poor guy to NOT hug her, it's not his fault if now he's not used to it, ah, but guess what now she wants it... Damned if you do... Games.

Counseling all the way if they can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> He said he doesn't clean up after himself!


Yes... That's wrong. I recommend he clean up after himself, leave any mess of hers, and spend time with his kids. I said he should clean up his mess in the post you just quoted, did I not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Yes... That's wrong. I recommend he clean up after himself, leave any mess of hers, and spend time with his kids. Isaid he should clean up his mess in the post you just quoted, did I not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, sorry trying to multitask at the moment. I think we agree somewhat.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

You're misinterpreting quite a bit with your multitasking, but it's okay because you're a woman.

JK 

Yes, I think we do agree, except in one point. In my opinion, you should be doing less at home now that you are also working and your husband should be doing more. As I noted reading your post, however, I'm aware you mentioned you didn't mind everything you so, ah, there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> You're misinterpreting quite a bit with your multitasking, but it's okay because you're a woman.
> 
> JK
> 
> ...


Hah! We'll see how I feel working 9:30pm-6:30am  And I multitask just fine thank you very much :smthumbup:

But anyways, I don't expect him to do anything around the house, because I like doing these things for him. If he wants to do some chores while I'm at work, I wouldn't argue with him about it 

But as for OP and his wife, they need to figure something out by working together and not working against each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Latin man said:


> to> ScaredandUnsure i understand what you are saying and you right about me cleaning up after myself.but she only works saturday and sundays. iwork 6 days a week so i should come home from a 10 hour day from work while she has been home all day not doing anything. and then help her clean and take care of kids? i dont understand that?


Has the house always been this messy? Or it is a fairly new thing.

If you are working 10 hours a day while she's at home, she should do housework during the day. 

In the evening when you are home, the two of you should take turn doing things like cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children.

Who watches the children whe she's working?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?

How old are your children?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What's with all the suggested hoop jumping? From the very beginning, she's been pushing him away. The OP said she didn't like physical affection from the beginning. There's no indication from the OP that she ever has. Apparently, he believes he's in a love relationship and she sees marriage as more of a Visa Platinum Card with endless balance but no bill. Before one can chart a course to get somewhere one has to clearly understand where one is and it's handy to know if your co-pilot even wants to go to the same destination.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> What's with all the suggested hoop jumping? From the very beginning, she's been pushing him away. The OP said she didn't like physical affection from the beginning. There's no indication from the OP that she ever has. Apparently, he believes he's in a love relationship and she sees marriage as more of a Visa Platinum Card with endless balance but no bill. Before one can chart a course to get somewhere one has to clearly understand where one is and it's handy to know if your co-pilot even wants to go to the same destination.


You are making a lot of assumptions. She's not here to tell us her side of things. 

She has apparently told him that she needs more, non-sexual touching and affection. This is very clear. Instead of giving her that, he's taking an attitude. We really should not just assume that she does not mean what she says.

The kind of touching that he mentions that he used to do sounds like the kind of touching some guys do to when they are constantly trying to get sex. It's smothering. My take on it is that she is trying to get across to him the kind of touch that would make her feel that he is being affectionate and not only after sex.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

And I wouldn't exactly call taking care of your children and cleaning your own home, hoop jumping, that's being a responsible parent and adult.

ETA: Their children need at least one responsible parent.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You are making a lot of assumptions. She's not here to tell us her side of things.
> 
> . It's smothering. My take on it is that she is trying to get across to him the kind of touch that would make her feel that he is being affectionate and not only after sex.


Now you're making assumptions. You don't know that his touching was limited to sexual prompting. If fact, unless you want to claim the OP is lying, we already know the opposite. He said:

"i was always tryed to be all over her not sexual just trying tohold her hand or hug or put my arm on her. and i wanted that in return. but she said she doesnt like that. so for years i tried to get that kind response i guess like not a clingy wife but a wife that i know cares. but it didnt work. so the only time she would show me any physical is when we had sex. and i guess for years its been like that. but for the last i say 2 years she wants me to hug her hold her and be moreloving i guess. but i dont because for years thats what i wanted."

He said he was constantly TRYING to touch her NON-SEXUALLY... Trying to hold her hand. She trained him otherwise. SHE would only show him affection when she wanted sex. So she trains him to be non-affectionate by rejecting his repeated non-sexual touching which he said he used to crave, but the poor guy might have been smothering her? So he does what she wants, and now it's his fault for not touching her non-sexually? And the way to blame him, is ASSUMING that, despite he clearly said he was touching her non-sexually because he likes non-sexual handholding but she only liked physical affection for sex, assuming he was touching, SURELY, of course, in a smothering way for sex? Wow, these hoops are flaming with trapeze artists in the background.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> And I wouldn't exactly call taking care of your children and cleaning your own home, hoop jumping, that's being a responsible parent and adult.
> 
> ETA: Their children need at least one responsible parent.


The taking care of your children is paramount. The marriage's chore/sex issues should be nowhere near affecting their duty to parent. I honestly would see this as a way to spend more time with my children. They must come first. They didn't ask for their parent's happiness or their parent's problems! Agreed, this is not a hoop for him but a serious caveat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Now you're making assumptions. You don't know that his touching was limited to sexual prompting. If fact, unless you want to claim the OP is lying, we already know the opposite. He said:
> 
> "i was always tryed to be *all over her *not sexual just trying tohold her hand or hug or put my arm on her. and i wanted that in return. but she said she doesnt like that. so for years i tried to get that kind response i guess like not a clingy wife but a wife that i know cares. but it didnt work. so the only time she would show me any physical is when we had sex. and i guess for years its been like that. but for the last i say 2 years she wants me to hug her hold her and be moreloving i guess. but i dont because for years thats what i wanted."
> 
> He said he was constantly TRYING to touch her NON-SEXUALLY... Trying to hold her hand. She trained him otherwise. SHE would only show him affection when she wanted sex. So she trains him to be non-affectionate by rejecting his repeated non-sexual touching which he said he used to crave, but the poor guy might have been smothering her? So he does what she wants, and now it's his fault for not touching her non-sexually? And the way to blame him, is ASSUMING that, despite he clearly said he was touching her non-sexually because he likes non-sexual handholding but she only liked physical affection for sex, assuming he was touching, SURELY, of course, in a smothering way for sex? Wow, these hoops are flaming with trapeze artists in the background.


 We can only go by the words he used. People chose their words for a reason. The words “all over her” makes it sound like he was overbearing. I’ve has guys do that where they want to touch constantly. I do wish she would come here and post as I would like to see her take on it. I a HD woman who loves a lot of physical affection, but I’ve had to tell a guy or two to stop it because their ‘affection’ was just overbearing. My impression is that this is what was going on. Perhaps he was being ‘clingy’. And yes when a guy is like that is feels very much like it’s about sex and not about affection.

Maybe she’s been trying to get him to understand what the proper amount and type of physical affection are. 

If a couple spends their time not doing x because of y in the past, they are doomed. She’s not feeling the want to have sex because she feels emotionally disconnected. He does not want to help out because he’s not having sex. He won’t pick up after himself because she does not clean the house enough. Since she did not like it when he a ‘all over her’ in past, he won’t show her non-sexual physical affection now. These are not every mature behaviors. And round and round they go.

Due to his and her work schedule, I also get the impression that they spend little to no time together as a couple. This will kill most relationships.

The OP needs to go to counseling with his wife as he needs to have someone who can talk to both him and his wife to sort this out. We are only getting one side of the story here, as usual. This is one case where I really think that her side needs to be heard as well.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> The taking care of your children is paramount. The marriage's chore/sex issues should be nowhere near affecting their duty to parent. I honestly would see this as a way to spend more time with my children. They must come first. They didn't ask for their parent's happiness or their parent's problems! Agreed, this is not a hoop for him but a serious caveat!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That, I totally agree with 

I guess I have a problem wrapping my brain how these things go lol. Sorry if I keep repeating the same thing over and over again. 

OP separate the kids/household chores from your marital problems. Again, I certainly do not think you should shoulder all the household/childcare/work, she HAS to see she's got to be responsible for some things that go on in your home. Have you two sat down and had a talk about any of these things, a talk, not a fight? Is she willing to hear you out? Have you tried scheduling sex, maybe twice a week, and on the days off, you could have the non sexual touching? I don't know your wife, she may be an unreasonable human being, but if she isn't, try talking to her after the kids go to bed one night soon. 

I hate that it seems like you're the one who has to start doing all the work, but someone has to start, and since she's not here, you're the one who gets the advice.

I really wish you luck. I do feel for you.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> We can only go by the words he used. People chose their words for a reason. The words “all over her” makes it sound like he was overbearing. I’ve has guys do that where they want to touch constantly. I do wish she would come here and post as I would like to see her take on it. I a HD woman who loves a lot of physical affection, but I’ve had to tell a guy or two to stop it because their ‘affection’ was just overbearing. My impression is that this is what was going on. Perhaps he was being ‘clingy’. And yes when a guy is like that is feels very much like it’s about sex and not about affection.
> 
> Maybe she’s been trying to get him to understand what the proper amount and type of physical affection are.
> 
> ...


#1 he was all over her trying to hold her hand 

#2 It isn't mature to be a welcome mat and pick up after yourself and your wife daily. It isn't immature to stop being the only one plugging his fingers in the dam. Good thing he stood up for himself. Now he needs to adjust that where he picks up only his things and leaves her rotting dishes behind until she ponies up.

#3 until we get the other side, we should work with what we have, not assumptions. So he was all over her trying to hold her hand, and she rejected the affection, telling him she only wanted that affection during sex. Don't stretch that into him pushing her away. That borders on the surreal. You accused unbelievable of assuming but you are doing the same with quite the detailed exposition. It's still an assumption.
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Latin what was her reaction to you cutting down on the extras like cooking ect.? 

This is such a common dynamic. I am not sure why. It may have to do with what each person expects out of the relationship. That has changed so much in the last 10 - 15 yrs. One sticking point in most relationships is the division of labor and appreciation for each persons contribution. 

Tell me this - is your wife the one who keeps tract of the family schedule, who goes where, when and how? Is she the one who keep knows birthdays and get the gifts? How about Dr. Appointments for the kids, does she keep up with what they are doing in school, homework? Does she arrange activities? These duties are behind the scenes so to speak but if someone did not do them then chaos reigns. She works, what happens to the money she brings in? Does it contribute the the life style that the family enjoys? Are any children at home? 

You work long hrs. You probably would not work as hard if you had no wife and family. But the hard work is for them. You have to do many difficult things to stay ahead of the game. You have to plan for advancement and go through the anxiety of keeping up job performence so you can succeed. One of the biggest factors that characterizes your life is that you can't check out of your career and stay home to take care of the kids. That would not be socially acceptable. So you are on the work treadmill for decades with no break uptil you retire. That is one thing woman are not burdened with if they have a husband. 

I am certain your wife does not appreciate how work and sucess dominates your thoughs and is a large part of your identity as a man, father and husband. If she did she woukd think you were a work slave the same way she thinks she is a sex slave. 

I am certain that you dont appreciate how being the one to keep track of the logistics of the family, saps her mental energy. You dont apreciate what she does when she us home, and you dont appreciate her financial contribution. you said as much in your post. 

You two are probably equal in the lack of respect for your roles and lack of appreciation. Also, the average woman does not consider her husband taking on household chores as helping her. There are thing that need to be done to reside in a domicile and to have kids and each adult who is living in the house is responsible. No one is work is more valuable than another's and therefore no reward is required. 

I anticipate that I will be taken to task for mentioning the equal role of both adults the maintenance of the household. Most men think they are helping. Cant understand that. There is a tendency for men to undervalue what women do and for women to undervalue what men do. Each also overvalue what they do. A simple fair division of labor, and an assumption of responsibility for task with out being asked repeatedly should be a functional way of living. 

Sex has nothing to do with two people sharing a household and kids. That means to me that sex occupies a special place in a relationship -It is absolutely neccessary and not optional, shared between two people. It should be mutually satisfying, exist in a loving environment and be free of tension and frustration.. Expectations should be grouded in reality and take into account the personalities and needs of each person. The two should strive to make each other happy with no one persons desires elevated above the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"not sexual just trying to hold her hand or hug or put my arm on her. and i wanted that in return. but she said she doesnt like that."

"so for years i tried to get that kind response i guess like not a clingy wife but a wife that i know cares. but it didnt work."

"so the only time she would show me any physical is when we had sex."

"so she tells me that its a chore for her when we do it."

The court of Unbelievable is in session. Count One. Wife is accused of being a selfish, sexless, evil bat. There is my evidence. The prosecution rests.

Count 2: Wife is lazy

"we do have two kids that go to school."

"and she does work but i say the most 16 to 20 hours a week from home."

With or without the OP's help, why should this house be in shambles? I spend over 10 hours a week just commuting to one job. I have two. There are 24 hours in a day. If she needs 8 to sleep, that leaves her 16 hours a day. She works maybe 4 hours a day on a heavy work day. That leaves 12 hours. The kids are in school so they aren't under foot. Most women would be thrilled to have 12 non-job hours a day to take care of the house, kids, and personal business. On the weekend, she'd have 16 hours a day to do all that. If she were working a full time job or if she had babies or pre-schoolers she might have a complaint. If he works a typical 40 hour week and commutes at least 5 hours a week and needs at least 3 hours a week to get ready to go to work, he's putting in 48 hours to support the family compared to her 20 hours, leaving her 28 hours a week just to break even with his contribution even if he never lifted a finger to do anything at home. For 6 years she declined his hugs, kisses, etc and flat out told him she didn't like them. She's tardy with sex and tells him it's a chore to her. I don't get a roof over my head, three squares a day, etc, etc, etc for working only 16-20 hours. She's got more discretionary time than any healthy non-retiree I know. What, exactly does she have to complain about? If I only worked 16 hours a week at home and my wife had a full time commuting job she would rightly expect me to shoulder the bulk of housework and I'd be thrilled to do so. She's not overworked. She's dedicated 8 years to pissing off her husband and Surprise!, she's got a pissed off husband. It's astonishing that the OP even comes home.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

She works way more then 16 hours a week if she is a stay at home mom.. How old are your children? 

Being a stay at home mom is a full time job and then some. It was for me anyway!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Grown, now, and I have grandkids. I was a single dad when they were pre-school and I worked full time. I do know what raising kids requires. Unless she lives in a mansion it doesn't take 12 hours a day to keep a house reasonably straight. Washing the dishes for a family of four is no more than 15 minutes. Sure, she works more than 16 hours a week if you include household business. Still, her schedule gives her at least 30 hours more a week than almost any other working mom. It's not unusual at all for me to work 16 hours a day AND I do the majority of housework, all the cooking, all the shopping, etc. She's got an awful lot of butt time. Her kids go to school. That gives her at least 7 hours a day without kids. 4 for her job and 3 to do a little something to the house. How can he come home to what he described unless she's doing a lot of chillin'?


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