# I was right, damn...hurts beyond imagination.



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Like many others, I found this sight while 'googling' phrases like "top ten signs your spouse is cheating."...and like many others here, spent about 2-3 weeks not wanting to believe I wasn't dreaming, and that she really had decided to end our marriage. Thanks for all the upfront and honest (honesty, what a great concept..) comments found on this board. More than a few times, the mere existence of this board kept me from opening my mouth, and unleashing the dragon that my bride has slitheringly become after 15 years of marriage, one 10 year old son(whom truly is all I care about currently), and a laundry list of things I have done in the past that she cannot forget, let alone forgive...(I know, sounds familiar...)

I will admit, I am not perfect, and am definately part of the reason she has decided to move on, and has fallen out of love (^^^see also : "I love you, I"m just not in love with you.)
Right now, she is approximately 50 miles away (installed gps tracker, begrudgingly, after reading some posts here, THANK YOU>) Now that normally wouldn't be a problem in and of itself...it's just that she was supposed to be 20 miles away, having taken advantage of my generous "favor" to watch our son last night so she could go out with some girlfriends drinking, with the possibility of staying on a couch vs. driving.(red flagsl~!)
A couple hours after she left, I checked the tracker, and imagine my surprise when I realized she was across the next state border, going 87 mph. Long and short of it, she spent the night at one of her FB friends house...a male, whom she's known since high school....insert script, it fits to a T.
Well, when I saw that she was on the way back, I sent her a text asking where she'd gone to party, and stayed knowing I would have a timestamped response that clearly would not match up with documented GPS coordinates. Rather than being truthful..she explained that she "slept on the couch"...
Recent odd behavior:
--October 31: Declared that we are seperated, and either I move out, or she would. In a pathetic gesture of salvation, I moved to a hotel for a week, but then convinced her I needed more time to prepare, it was not fiscally possible.
--taking birth control pills even though she has cut me off sexually, well, physically. If I try to touch her while we are in bed, she gets up, and hits the couch. Now this is entirely new. 16 years of 2-3 times a week now zero for the past three weeks.
--cell phone guardian, takes it to the bath, to work, to bed to everywhere. it is 'off limits' to me though. I've been trying for 3 weeks to get it to load spyware to no avail.
--on Facebook constantly, 340ish 'friends'...
--spent 3 of 4 full weekends away from home last month: excuses: camping with girl from work and her boyfriend(my wife has repeatedly hated the idea of us going camping..."eww~~!!! No shower, no way."
--has somehow decided that this is ALL my fault, and that I have never been worth a damn...she's wasted 15 years of her life, etc.
So, right now I'm contemplating hiding her birth control pills, since she forgot to take them with her last night...and given the circumstances, I imagine she will freak oout in a big way. I have a VAR , and plan on asking her "What's the big deal? I Thought they were to regulate your period..." Thoughts? She'll be here relatively soon, so am hopeful I can get some/any feedback. Sorry for the long post.
Addin: forgot to mention, she got a letter from "The Clinic" and had tested negative for all stds! She's never gotten them run before-am wondering if OM requested to protect family 
Addin2: on the way home apparently her foot, or knee crunched the gps (plugin to OBDII port)-so, no more tracking for now, and am out $169...best $ I ever spent on her.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Forgot to ask: Should I expose her now, or wait for further information/evidence? I have no proof of sex act, photos, VOR recordings, texts, chats, etc. Thanks in advance.


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## Eli-Zor

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above link. Expose once you have sufficient evidence for you to know she is commiting adultry.

Do not reveal what evidence you have nor do you tell your wife when you are going to expose.

When you confront your wife be confident and do not let her make you doubt yourself and never let on how much you do or do not know.

The confrontation is you telling her you know she is having an affair with xxx and you have hard evidence to support you. Continue to state you will not allow three people into your marriage . Your wife will typically lie and deny or demand evidence , ignor her and state the requirments for your marriage to survive .

A hand written no contact letter , full access by yourself to all her mails and phones, a timeline of the affair.

She will likely take this underground so be prepared and have a var in her car, keyloggers loaded and a tracker on her phone or in her vehicle .

When exposing the OM be efficient and clinical , you dont need pages of evidence , the evidence should be enough that they cannot deny the affair

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livinfree

Sorry you're here. 15ish years seems to be a recurring timeline. 

Kids? Start documenting your quality time with them.


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## happyman64

Hollow

Get more evidence.stop being the babysitter. That just enables her.

See an attorney for advice. The first visit is free.

Take control of the finances.

Do you own your house?

Whose name is on the mortgage?

And stop being the babysitter.

She might not want to be married anymore but her behavior as a parent is dismal.

So start getting prepared for the future and do not let her know what you are doing.

HM64


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## warlock07

What do you want ?


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## C-man

Sorry for what you are going through. Going through the same thing here.

Advice: Line up friends and family and talk with them. Get into IC and talk. Read this forum and listen to the advice (something I should have done). Be there for your children. Let her move out.

This is going to be very tough for you - with a lot of lows - but you will get through them with the help of your support network. For me, it was an actual physical pain for about 4 weeks. Still hurts, but it gets better... Slowly. 

Look at what your wife has become and realize that SHE has changed and you are longing for the past. You can build a new relationship with your "new" wife, but realize your old marriage is dead. And it takes two to build a new relationship, if your wife has checked out, just move on ASAP. 

Good luck.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

I was afraid you'd say something like that...but am grateful. Truth hurts, but not as much as the lying, cheating, woman in crisis that once stole my heart and soul. Now she's doing a great job of slicing & diving--feels more like puree. Thank you (everybody!) for the kind words and assistance.


Cedarman said:


> Sorry for what you are going through. Going through the same thing here.
> 
> Advice: Line up friends and family and talk with them. Get into IC and talk. Read this forum and listen to the advice (something I should have done). Be there for your children. Let her move out.
> 
> This is going to be very tough for you - with a lot of lows - but you will get through them with the help of your support network. For me, it was an actual physical pain for about 4 weeks. Still hurts, but it gets better... Slowly.
> 
> Look at what your wife has become and realize that SHE has changed and you are longing for the past. You can build a new relationship with your "new" wife, but realize your old marriage is dead. And it takes two to build a new relationship, if your wife has checked out, just move on ASAP.
> 
> Good luck.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Well you know that in one of the coming weekends she's going to going to his place again. So I'd make a plan around that. do you have cash to hire a PI? You know where she's going to meet him via the GPS so you could have the PI get pics and details. Since it's so far away they are likely going out to restaurants etc, so pics of them on their date should be possible too.

Find out every detail about him that you can - is he married? Perhaps his wife was away last night?

I'd also grab her panties from the laundry and have them checked for semen at a lab.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Thanks Shaggy,
I'm certain she will run off to the "loveshack" as often as feasibly possible(I may even offer to babysit to facillitate gathering of info, not because I want to, but because I need to turn this around and put the 'control' back on my (and my son's) side of the fence. 
Some great ideas. I hadn't thought of the panties...they may 'disappear' just like the birth control pills--her reaction to that: "It's kind of important that we find those...." I bet so~! I didn't get the chance to respond with "What's the big deal? You just got them to regulate your period, right?"...I guess that'll come after the sperm clot in her vagina simmers a bit longer, and the sweat beads double in volume on her forehead...


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

I'm pretty certain he is married. Conveniently enough, she lives in presumeably their home in a town 35 miles away from his apartment, which I think maybe a corporate suite--so that may have ramifications as well.

Also found out that he was likely introduced, or met via being a friend of my brother-in-law.
There are multiple pictures that are the same pasted on both my wife, and his pages--one of which was supposedly taken while she was 'camping' with only her office mate and that girls boyfriend.
The suspected "liked" it on her page...the only 'like' or comment about it at all.


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## Will_Kane

If you KNOW she's having an affair, why bother with the rest of the evidence gathering? You KNOW. Does it really matter if anyone else knows?

If you want to get a divorce, just file.

If you want to try to save your marriage, then confront her and tell her you KNOW she is having an affair and with whom. Tell her you KNOW, but don't give her any clue as to how you know. Tell her you have evidence, but never tell her what it is. Just be confident and don't act like there is any doubt in your mind. Because there is NO DOUBT that she is having sex with her old high-school-chum-turned-Facebook-friend-and-lover. NO DOUBT.

Sometimes I feel like I could post the advice below all day long on this forum. A lot of guys are in your shoes.

Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one under the seat of her car and in the house in places where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around or if she wants privacy. Keylog the computer if you can. Give it a week. I'm betting you will find out what's going on with your wife.

After the voice-activated recorders are in place, have a talk with your wife. Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that you love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you are willing to work hard on improving yourself and improving your marriage.

Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

8. Any toxic friends she had that supported the affair also have to go.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful and not interested in committing to you. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, leave the voice-activated recorders and keylogger in place. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If she refuses to end the affair, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that she is having an affair and refuses to stop, and ask for their support for you and your kids.

No matter what, expose the affair to the other man's wife/girlfriend if he has one. Also expose to his parents and close family and friends, those who can influence him, and tell them he is breaking up a previously happy family.

If she gets mad at exposure, tell her that you are fighting for her and your marriage and your family and, after all, you are only telling the truth, she is the one who is living a lie.

I think you know already she is not going to agree to any of conditions or want to work on the marriage, at least not right away. She already has told you she wants a divorce.

There are two ways to blow up an affair like your wife is having: 

The first way to blow up an affair is exposure to all, far and wide. Nothing will kill the thrill of her affair more than her knowing that everyone else knows the sordid deceitful immoral lifestyle she's living, lying to you about going out with girlfriends while she really runs off to screw the other man, while you and her kids sit at home. 

The second way to blow up an affair is giving her a dose of reality. Don't let her get all her ducks lined up in a row, force her hand. Tell her if she wants other man, she should go to him now, pack up her junk and get out. You call up other man and tell him you have his soulmate here, she's his problem now, you'll be coming over in a little while to drop her off along with all of her baggage.

Other man is just a fantasy. They talk dirty to each other on Facebook and tell each other they are in love, then they meet up for sex - reality never intrudes in their little world -there are no screaming kids, no chores, no cleaning the bathroom, no worries about finances - just I love yous and sex and dreams of how perfect life will be one day when they are together. There is no way you can compete with that. NO WAY.

Give her a dose of that now, let her see that other man's bathroom gets dirty, too, that other man leaves his underwear on the floor, too, that other man is not as perfect and wonderful as she thought.

Of course, maybe you don't want to save this marriage. Even if she and you agree to reconcile, it won't be easy. It may end up in divorce anyway.


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## Will_Kane

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Thanks Shaggy,
> I'm certain she will run off to the "loveshack" as often as feasibly possible(I may even offer to babysit to facillitate gathering of info, not because I want to, but because I need to turn this around and put the 'control' back on my (and my son's) side of the fence.
> Some great ideas. I hadn't thought of the panties...*they may 'disappear' just like the birth control pills*--her reaction to that: "It's kind of important that we find those...." I bet so~! I didn't get the chance to respond with "What's the big deal? You just got them to regulate your period, right?"...I guess that'll come after the sperm clot in her vagina simmers a bit longer, and the sweat beads double in volume on her forehead...


Hiding the birth control pills may give you some short-term satisfaction, but it will be one big headache for you if she gets pregnant with other man's baby. Better check out the laws of your state and what they say about presumed paternity of the husband.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

I have read that post before, many times, thank you. It is definately sage advice. Ultimately, I think I'm still in a bit of a fog of denial, or something of that sort. I mean the strangest thing..when she got home, my initail reaction, as I watched her run for the bathtub, was to think about how much I wanted to have sex with her, regardless of the fact that she scre$&$ed her 'fantasy man'...:scratchhead: 
Maybe not so far evolved from cavemen.
Also, good point about the paternity issue. Had not considered that--maybe subconciously, I have realized the marriage is non-salvageable, and just looking for ways to ease my pain, without thinking.
Thank you again for your support everyone..it feels amazingly different having so many people caring about me versus the horribly painful loneliness attached to this fiasco.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

A marriage terminates when one of three events occurs: divorce, the death of either spouse, or a “judicial declaration of its nullity, when the marriage is relatively null.” If a child is born during a marriage or within three hundred days of the final divorce, death or declaration of relative nullity, then the husband/former husband is presumed to be the father of the child.--Thank you for opening my eyes to that one. Good grief, does it ever get better, instead of worse? Edit: BTW, I *found* them for her after a couple hours. Tacky yrs, fun, "he## yes!


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Adding insult to injury, her first 'activity' once home, with a 10 year old anxiously awaiting her return was to plop her arse into bed claiming she only got about an hour of sleep previous night...poor thing.


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## hookares

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Adding insult to injury, her first 'activity' once home, with a 10 year old anxiously awaiting her return was to plop her arse into bed claiming she only got about an hour of sleep previous night...poor thing.


Well that puts your son only slightly ahead of you in so far as her concern for others. I guess cheating is like pimping. It ain't easy.


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## Acabado

Find out MOM identity, gather evidence enough to destroy his world by exposing him.


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## akashNil

Looks like she will not be remorseful even if you show the evidence. She will put all the blame on you, and will continue it.

You already know what she is doing. Just think what you want hereafter. Either accept it, or D. But probably you won't get her (and sex) back as before.


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## Emerald

Also, please be aware if the OM is married with children, he will most likely NOT leave his wife for your wife. He is probably telling your wife that he will so he can continue having sex with her. 

Once you have exposed the affair to OMW, he will probably "break-up" with your wife & she will come crawling back to you.

If I were you, I would see an attorney asap about getting full custody. You probably will not but at least make the effort.

You do not want your son influenced & living part time with a string of OMs.


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## walkonmars

DNA can be used to challenge paternity.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Acabado said:


> Find out MOM identity, gather evidence enough to destroy his world by exposing him.


 Fortunately, I was able to get that information, and am fairly certain
that he is married, donno about kids. 
After the batant continuation of her fantasy today, I'm much more likely to go postal on them...armageddon. 
This is exhausting,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Acabado said:


> Find out MOM identity, gather evidence enough to destroy his world by exposing him.


 Fortunately, I was able to get that information, and am fairly certain
that he is married, donno about kids. 
After the batant continuation of her fantasy today, I'm much more likely to go postal on them...armageddon. 
This is exhausting, thank you for all your input again!-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

walkonmars said:


> DNA can be used to challenge paternity.


DNA can be the final say in paternity. In some states that releases the former husband of any responsibilities. In some it does not, but it opens up the real father of the child to lawsuits and court ordered support.

Check with a local lawyer if this becomes and issue.


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## naga75

Rough deal, for sure. 
Listen to these people...oh i am the thousandth one that thinks now "if i had only found this place the first go round".
Now i am in a place of constant wondering wether i did the right thing, have they gone underground, wtf happened to my life so on and so forth. 
Question for OP:
What gps tracker did you purchase, and from where?
Can you give me the details of it please?
I dont want to hijack your thread, so feel free to pm me with it if you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Good that he's married - that makes your plan of action straight forward. The person you first expose to is his wife. You don't confront your wife at all. 

There are a couple of ways to go about this:

1. Use a PI to gather pics/evidence of one of their hookups. She's convinced you are clueless, so keep it that way. She's very obvious about her going out over night and gives you lots of warning to it is a simple matter to line up the PI and have him waiting for her to arrive.
EDIT to add: then you share the evidence with the OW and then sit back and wait for the fireworks.


OR

2. The next time she pulls this, arrange for a babysitter for your kids. Then drive to where her car GPS reports her to be at. Then call the OMW on the phone as say "Do you know your husband is right now in town X, at address 123 and is having sex with my wife? You might want to call him right now and tell him to get home ASAP to start explaining to you what is going on.

Then when the OMW calls her husband , you should be sitting outside with a camera taking pics of him and her coming out of the place. He'll be running home to save his butt, and you'll have her red handed with the POSOM. 

I wouldn't say a word to her, I'd just get in my car and drive away, and ignore her calls to your cell.


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## Shaggy

Remember - the #1 thing cheater really fear is blow back to their AP, because they fear the AP will dump them.

That's why exposure to their AP's SO is so very effective. It provides the blow back, the dumping, and it eliminates the phase where you accuse your SO and they claim to be just friends, while continuing on the affair.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

So while she was napping, I went out to snooping around her car..opened door, immediately hit with smell of cologne. Sitting on passenger seat was an unknown XL male coat. I wonder if sms from that would match any ground in panties. 
Where would I take the items for processing? Seems like something off of CSI Miami...I live in a town of about 25,000, doubt their crime lab is substantial. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Take the coat and lock it away. Deny doing it 

Some drugs stores will carry semen test kits. They are also available on the internet.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

PM sent!


naga75 said:


> Rough deal, for sure.
> Listen to these people...oh i am the thousandth one that thinks now "if i had only found this place the first go round".
> Now i am in a place of constant wondering wether i did the right thing, have they gone underground, wtf happened to my life so on and so forth.
> Question for OP:
> What gps tracker did you purchase, and from where?
> Can you give me the details of it please?
> I dont want to hijack your thread, so feel free to pm me with it if you can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> Good that he's married - that makes your plan of action straight forward. The pthat sounds...gratifying, albeit painful.thanks. person you first expose to is his wife. You don't confront your wife at all.
> 
> There are a couple of ways to go about this:
> 
> 1. Use a PI to gather pics/evidence of one of their hookups. She's convinced you are clueless, so keep it that way. She's very obvious about her going out over night and gives you lots of warning to it is a simple matter to line up the PI and have him waiting for her to arrive.
> EDIT to add: then you share the evidence with the OW and then sit back and wait for the fireworks.
> 
> 
> OR
> 
> 2. The next time she pulls this, arrange for a babysitter for your kids. Then drive to where her car GPS reports her to be at. Then call the OMW on the phone as say "Do you know your husband is right now in town X, at address 123 and is having sex with my wife? You might want to call him right now and tell him to get home ASAP to start explaining to you what is going on.
> 
> Then when the OMW calls her husband , you should be sitting outside with a camera taking pics of him and her coming out of the place. He'll be running home to save his butt, and you'll have her red handed with the POSOM.
> 
> I wouldn't say a word to her, I'd just get in my car and drive away, and ignore her calls to your cell.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

I wonder what kind of cost I would incur from a PI for that type of limited work...known location, known targets, etc..any ideas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

[will be on phone Monster a.m., thanks.QUOTE=Emerald;1218296]Also, please be aware if the OM is married with children, he will most likely NOT leave his wife for your wife. He is probably telling your wife that he will so he can continue having sex with her. 

Once you have exposed the affair to OMW, he will probably "break-up" with your wife & she will come crawling back to you.

If I were you, I would see an attorney asap about getting full custody. You probably will not but at least make the effort.

You do not want your son influenced & living part time with a string of OMs.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

Put the coat on and walk around the house saying nothing... If she asks you tell her that you liked it and since the other dude is screwing her you are at least entitled to a new coat, since you are going to need new clothing for your future dates with good looking women!


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Hahaha...great plan. She often goes shopping at thrift stores for fun, and occasionally finds something I might wear....never had any cologne impregnated though, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Public records for his state show married @ age 20 to a girl age 18 in 1988. Oddly enough, that's the same year my wife was 18.,a woman with same name is tied with OM to same house 35 miles from loveshack. Donno how to contact her, or if they see still married. 
What a scumbag. Childhood sweetheart wife-hope you're right & she'll be a whirlwind.. [
QUOTE=Emerald;1218296]Also, please be aware if the OM is married with children, he will most likely NOT leave his wife for your wife. He is probably telling your wife that he will so he can continue having sex with her. 

Once you have exposed tyhe affair to OMW, he will probably "break-up" with your wife & she will come crawling back to you.

If I were you, I would see an attorney asap about getting full custody. You probably will not but at least make the effort.

You do not want your son influenced & living part time with a string of OMs.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

to get a phone number - try spokeo or pipl or even the good old phone book since you have a house address and name !


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Found out they have a daughter, but she's 22yoa
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

The money, follow the money. And the phone bill.
Get a picture of the whole thing before the confrontation.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Acabado said:


> The money, follow the money. And the phone bill.
> Get a picture of the whole thing before the confrontation.


That is good advice, thanks.
My thoughts each morning now are filled with issues of betrayal, hurt, questions of why, etc. It is pervasive, I hate it.
When now is the holiday season, and thoughts should be of good things, like friends, family, love, and good tidings....what a pitiful shame, coal in the stocking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> to get a phone number - try spokeo or pipl or even the good old phone book since you have a house address and name !


From what I can gather, phone is listed in his name, nothing found publicly listed for her, but apparently, a lot of her, and his relatives in that small town. May come in handy when I expose/reveal affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Well that explains why they are going out of town to hook up. Too many people in his town might see hm.

Good, your finding lots of valuable intel.

When you find yourself getting too down and angry, go out. You don't need to give details to her, just go out and breathe, do not go get drunk, though 1 and only 1 is ok.

Maybe take a drive and drive over and track down OMs house. While there get the plate numbers etc of his cars. You could even stop, take a picture of his house just like real estate folks do all the time for comps. If anyone asks you, tell them you are collecting comps for realestate.

I hope you have a VAR in her car?


----------



## happyman64

Shaggy said:


> Well that explains why they are going out of town to hook up. Too many people in his town might see hm.
> 
> Good, your finding lots of valuable intel.
> 
> When you find yourself getting too down and angry, go out. You don't need to give details to her, just go out and breathe, do not go get drunk, though 1 and only 1 is ok.
> 
> Maybe take a drive and drive over and track down OMs house. While there get the plate numbers etc of his cars. You could even stop, take a picture of his house just like real estate folks do all the time for comps. If anyone asks you, tell them you are collecting comps for realestate.
> 
> I hope you have a VAR in her car?


Great advice Shaggy.

Get ready for the next hookup.

And if you cannot get her number you can always stop by the house and let her know what is going on while they are together.

Just catch her with the OM.

You need to shock her!


----------



## the guy

Maybe its time to return the OM coat to OMW and tell her " your H left his coat in my wife's car this week end".


----------



## the guy

happyman64 said:


> Great advice Shaggy.
> 
> 
> Just catch her with the OM.
> 
> You need to shock her!


May I suggest the you and OMW get a room next to the "loveshack"..I mean right next door. that way when WW an OM walk out of the "loveshack" you and OMW can meet them in the middle. Now that would be a shocker.

OMW can have a go at WW and you can have a go at OM...cheating POS's both need a beating.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> Well that explains why they are going out of town to hook up. Too many people in his town might see hm.
> 
> Good, your finding lots of valuable intel.
> 
> When you find yourself getting too down and angry, go out. You don't need to give details to her, just go out and breathe, do not go get drunk, though 1 and only 1 is ok. Haven't had a drink since this started...I wanted to feel the pain, have it help me get strong.
> 
> Maybe take a drive and drive over and track down OMs house. While there get the plate numbers etc of his cars. You could even stop, take a picture of his house just like real estate folks do all the time for comps. If anyone asks you, tell them you are collecting comps for realestate.
> 
> I hope you have a VAR in her car?


 Not yet, but soon..need money. I spent my last cash on hotel for a week to appease her initially, as she 'considers us seperated' we have a covenant marriage though, and they do not recognize mutual consent unless one of several things occurs--she threatened to use my past addictions: alcohol, gambling, etc...., but now that I have evidence(and building hopefully!), I will turn the tables.


----------



## Shaggy

Vars are less than a $100. heck she's spending more on gas to go hookup with him. Get that VAR asap.


----------



## Shaggy

Maybe charge it to a joint CC and claim it's an early xmas present.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

That is appealing~! He has an apartment in gated community according to where her car was parked for 9 hours. Maybe his wife will pay for an apartment eh? :lol:


----------



## Shaggy

So how many weekends out of the last three months has she been home?


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

So, today, one day after she gets back from encounter with scumbag, she goes in bedroom. I follow, she has pants undone, and phone in hand....masturbating. She said something I heard as "I'm horny"....she says, "no, I didn't say that." 
Today marks one month since she "cut me off"...go figure. She has always had a high sex drive, was great in bed, and regular sex....not now I guess, not with me. .....F&&&***Cun
Argh~!!!!!


----------



## MattMatt

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Thanks Shaggy,
> I'm certain she will run off to the "loveshack" as often as feasibly possible(I may even offer to babysit to facillitate gathering of info, not because I want to, but because I need to turn this around and put the 'control' back on my (and my son's) side of the fence.
> Some great ideas. I hadn't thought of the panties...they may 'disappear' just like the birth control pills--her reaction to that: "It's kind of important that we find those...." I bet so~! I didn't get the chance to respond with "What's the big deal? You just got them to regulate your period, right?"...I guess that'll come after the sperm clot in her vagina simmers a bit longer, and the sweat beads double in volume on her forehead...


Yep. That works well in a made for TV movie. But having a wife pregnant by the OM? BAD idea. If she gives birth you might be financially stuck with it. It's also a bit tacky...


----------



## Michie

Get your evidence for next hookup, and have her **** packed and waiting when she returns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Have you secure the panties she wore to see scumbag? You should and you need to do a semen test on them.


----------



## Shaggy

BTW - why didn't you grab the phone out of her hand saying something like "Hey, I could use some good porn too". 

I'm guess she was either texting the OM, talking to him, or watching a video of them from her phone?


----------



## MattMatt

She leaves you and son three weeks out of four, she cuts you off, yet is on the pill, lets you see how she had to get an STD test, leaves an other man's jacket in the car in full view, where you would see it.

Can someone spot what is missing there? *nothing is missing at all!*

And that, members of the TAM jury, is what is oh so very wrong with this picture!

She is either having an exit affair or is *not* having an affair at all, but is setting you up so you'll throw her out and she'll be able to produce evidence that everything is innocent, that you are a crazy, jealous man. And that she needs a divorce to get her and her son away from you in case you do go postal. Or she wants you to go the expense of filing for divorce?

You need to get a professional (PI) to try to determine exactly what the hell is going on, if you can. Or get VARs. As it might not be quite what you think. I smell something fishy with her actions. She is playing a game.

Or she just might be reckless to the max.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> Take the coat and lock it away. Deny doing it
> 
> Some drugs stores will carry semen test kits. They are also available on the internet.


Panties secure in my vehicle/ziploc, will get coat..she claims is hers, maybe...but she had it with her for "the event.."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

So she has the coat? I guess you won't have the oppertunity to rturn it to OMW?


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

MattMatt said:


> She leaves you and son three weeks out of four, she cuts you off, yet is on the pill, lets yo u see how she had to get an STD test, leaves an other man's jacket in the car in full view, where you would see it.
> 
> Can someone spot what is missing there? *nothing is missing at all!*
> 
> And that, members of the TAM jury, is what is oh so very wrong with this picture!
> 
> She is either having an exit affair or is *not* having an affair at all, but is setting you up so you'll throw her out and she'll be able to produce evidence that everything is innocent, that you are a crazy, jealous man. And that she needs a divorce to get her and her son away from you in case you do go postal. Or she wants you to go the expense of filing for divorce?
> 
> You need to get a professional (PI) to try to determine exactly what the hell is going on, if you cam. Or get VARs. As it might not be quite what you think. I smell something fishy with her actions. She is playing a game.
> 
> Or she just might be reckless to the max.


Wow, Max, thanks for that perspective. I had not considered that this might be a trap. I certainly would not put it past her, as she is very creative, bright, and takes a non-typical stance on many iissues. (parts of reason I married her, go figure.) I will be pursuing more evidence vigorously. VARs, maybe a P.I., photo evidence of some sort, keylogger, new gps tracker, etc. 
I've always been a gadget guy anyhow & something to take my mind/gut off the grief, although double-edged. Thank you for your support !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Is there an exposure plan here or what?

I'm surprised Shaggy isn't pushing that more? 

I mean it appear she isn't even hiding it any more, it should be easy to let OMW know when and were your WW is and with whom?


----------



## the guy

Next time your wife is at the apartment, ask the cops to do a wellfare check on her.


----------



## walkonmars

the guy said:


> Next time your wife is at the apartment, ask the cops to do a wellfare check on her.


ding ding ding - winner


----------



## Disenchanted

HollowQuagmireofPain,

I'm very sorry you are here. You seem to be handling this much better than I did. It's going to be a rough ride for sure, but you seem to have your head screwed on pretty straight. Get lots of exercise, eat right, breath deep and don't forget to sleep. 

Sounds like an exit affair. I personally would focus on exposing to OMW if you can and see where that leads. It could send your WW back towards R, and may be the easiest way for you to find out if she is really checked out of your marriage and you, or in a fog. 

15 years together, 10 year old child, exact same as me. One piece of advice from my situation. I strongly suggest you do not have sex with her unless she commits to R in a meaningful way. You'll come to regret it and with the birth control pills and everything you really don't want to be wondering in a month or two if it's yours.

Plus, if she goes into false R and you have lots of HB with her you will regret it later, I promise.


----------



## Shaggy

the guy said:


> Is there an exposure plan here or what?
> 
> I'm surprised Shaggy isn't pushing that more?
> 
> I mean it appear she isn't even hiding it any more, it should be easy to let OMW know when and were your WW is and with whom?


Oh, I definitely am. 

Gather damning evidence, share it with OMW.

Wait for fireworks.

I'm guessing her coat will never been seen again. How big is she that she can wear a mes xl coat.

Im betting she's freaked a little about you noticing the coat.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> Oh, I definitely am.
> 
> Gather damning evidence, share it with OMW.
> 
> Wait for fireworks.
> 
> I'm guessing her coat will never been seen again. How big is she that she can wear a mes xl coat.
> 
> Im betting she's freaked a little about you noticing the coat.


She claims I saw her leave that night with it on after she declined my offer to take my jacket. I don't honestly remember. I'll check closet..its probably hanging. 
My parents arrived yesterday, wife made dinner, and even did dishes..lfirst time this week. 
I'm planning on getting VARs in place this week, and getting new gps tracker installed. Will either follow, take pics, hire PI. 
I am not 100% certain OM is currently married...jjust know who/when married in 1988 from public records. How do I check current status? Also do not yet have means to contact OMW yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Disenchanted said:


> HollowQuagmireofPain,
> 
> I'm very sorry you are here. You seem to be handling this much better than I did. It's going to be a rough ride for sure, but you seem to have your head screwed on pretty straight. Get lots of exercise, eat right, breath deep and don't forget to sleep.
> 
> Sounds like an exit affair. I personally would focus on exposing to OMW if you can and see where that leads. It could send your WW back towards R, and may be the easiest way for you to find out if she is really checked out of your marriage and you, or in a fog.
> 
> 15 years together, 10 year old child, exact same as me. One piece of advice from my situation. I strongly suggest you do not have sex with her unless she commits to R in a meaningful way. You'll come to regret it and with the birth control pills and everything you really don't want to be wondering in a month or two if it's yours.
> 
> Plus, if she goes into false R and you have lots of HB with her you will regret it later, I promise.


Thanks for your thoughts! As far as handling it...I'm pretty sure that I'm just in some stage of denial/shock. The miserable feeling of betrayal and lonliness that brought me here has temporarily been replaced with comfort from people like you in shared misery/experience. I suspect my "handle" on this will fluctuate severely over the coming months/years...I'm still counting days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## akashNil

Shaggy said:


> Remember - the #1 thing cheater really fear is blow back to their AP, because they fear the AP will dump them.
> 
> That's why exposure to their AP's SO is so very effective. It provides the blow back, the dumping, and it eliminates the phase where you accuse your SO and they claim to be just friends, while continuing on the affair.


Logged in just to click "LIKE" for this post. 
Short but very effective advice.


----------



## TRy

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> She claims I saw her leave that night with it on after she declined my offer to take my jacket. I don't honestly remember. I'll check closet..its probably hanging.


 The jacket will get lost or get replaced by a ladies jacket that looks similar, in either case she will mess with your mind about the fact that the guy's jacket even existed. Secretly take a bunch of photos of the jacket, both on the inside and on the outside, and hide them for later.


----------



## Acabado

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> She claims I saw her leave that night with it on after she declined my offer to take my jacket. I don't honestly remember. I'll check closet..its probably hanging. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Master gaslighter here. Very good at it.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

You know if it's cold tomorrow, you should put on the "coat" by mistake and wear it out.

btw - I looked on doc cool for any posters talking about their MM's coat getting found by their BS, but I didn't find anything about that. Just the usual sick cheaters and their pity party.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

So tonight while out with my visiting parents and son, my wife let/had my mother hold her iPhone briefly for some reason(they both have iphones.) I was getting refill @ buffet.
Amazingly enough, when parents dropped us off
, my mom asks if I know "so and so"-turns out OM sent text...confirming I have the right scumbag! Thanks mom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

does your wife sync her phone to the computer?


----------



## keko

Leave your mom and other family members out of it. Often they'll intervene at the worst in hopes of saving the marriage but in reality ruin it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dubbizle

So what are you doing guy,your wife is having an affair ,you know she is and you are playing James Bond.You know need to either get a lawer and move on or try to save it but you know she is not honest so let it go.
You need to start living your own life and start repairing you and all the following her around and tapping things is not going to help repair you.


----------



## OldWolf57

Now that you are separated by her words, YOU should file D papers and seek full custody.

Since most states are no fault, does it matter having evidence ??
If asked. just say she was cheating and with who.
Yeah she will blame you, but if they believe her, then they wasn't your friend anyway, and I bet none of them pay your bills.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy, she does not sync with pc now, uses cloud. 
Dubbizle..you are right, I need to figure out what I'm doing, and focus on my future. As you know, mixed emotions make for cloudy thoughts. I want to believe I can fix this marriage, but as many have pointed out-she disconnected completely, and probably long ago. 
I guess pursuing more evidence is just chasing some idea that more is better for me, from a couple different angles. I need to be certain. I need to have enough to overcome her denial, perhaps also, I hope it can help with custody, visitation, etc...donno yet where its going, but thank you all very much for helping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

the guy said:


> Next time your wife is at the apartment, ask the cops to do a wellfare check on her.


You think they would investigate in a gated apt complex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

how about you plug her phone into the PC and sync it for her???


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Shaggy said:


> how about you plug her phone into the PC and sync it for her???


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Would never happen Shaggie, VAR in place in car...see what that unveils.


----------



## keko

Let your supervisor/boss know you're dealing with a personal matter and might need to take off a day or two on short notice. This would make it easier if you wish to tail her yourself and snap some pics of them together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dubbizle

He has all the evidence he needs and knows what is happening so why put your job at risk.

From what I understand the courts in the USA don't care if the person is having an affair to get a divorce and for child custody they look at who can take care of the kids the best


----------



## keko

Knowledge is power. That's why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

Update, sorry for the long delay, had parents in town visiting for Thanksgiving & we stayed busy!
So the day after traditional Thanksgiving meal (which my wife single handidly prepared, as if all normal), I delivered a letter to my wife explaining that I had documented evidence that she was having an affair.
I explained also, that what I was demanding was simple: Honesty. If she attempted to continue to deceive me, I would be forced against my wishes to cause pain for others friends, family, employers, etc. 
I gave her the letter on her way to work, so she had a full day to consider. When she got home in tears, after a few minutes of blaming me...she acknowledged it was true. I wept for about 10 minutes, and could not stop psobbing/catch my breath. It was horrible. 
Stupidly, when she asked if there was anything she could do to help...and after a month or so of zero contact, I said I just wanted to hold her. We embraced for several moments. 
She really believes my past behaviors, years of wasted marriage and pain are of an equivalent nature. She did say she wasn't proud of it, but today in another squabble said she felt no remorse.
Anyhow, I'm moving into a new home tomorrow, and have agreed for now to share custody of our son.
It is worlds away more pleasant & less stressful not having to balance deceit in addition to suspicions and verbal venom. Having the ball in my court is good too..as infidelity is one of the 5 or 6 grounds for immediate dissolution of our State's covenant marriage law.
It is hard to believe all that has happened in two weeks, compared to how long we have been married, or how long it will take to heal, if ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

I'm sorry man.


HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> She really believes my past behaviors, years of wasted marriage and pain are of an equivalent nature. She did say she wasn't proud of it, but today in another squabble said she felt no remorse.


All you need to now. Cheater, total blameshifter and unrepetant.
An of course being also the OW doeswn't phase her either. BW is a non entity. Are you exposed to BW?


> Anyhow, I'm moving into a new home tomorrow, and have agreed for now to share custody of our son.


Why are you the one to move out? Don't move out!
Talk to a lawyer yesterday.

I suspects this is not the end.

The Healing Heart: The 180
Just kids and finances, better through texts/email. Nothing about the past, her cheating, the marriage, your faults... Zero.


----------



## Shaggy

Are you now going to expose her and OM?


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

Shaggy said:


> Are you now going to expose her and OM?


Well, since he is meekly "moving out" with his tail between his legs, when it is HER that should be thrown onto the street, I would wager he will be doing no such thing as exposing as "I don't want to upset her" etc etc.


----------



## happyman64

Quagmire

I would not have moved out.

But since you are what is the rest of your plan?

Separation or Divorce?

What is your take on your marriage now that your wife finally came clean?

HM64


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

I moved out due mainly to fact the home we shared is owned by her mother.
We generally do not have financing available to hire attorneys. I am on permanent social security disability from chronic illness. I am still gathering information on her affair partner, specificly if there is an OW. I did agree not to expose to other parties if she was honest about having an affair. After her comment last night about not having remorse, I am angered, and want to launch nukes, and destroy her "web" of friends, as well as disrupt the affair permanently. I am moving on to get away from the misery, and more importantly to provide a safe home for my son. I am tracking her vehicle, when son is with her. She is a speeder big time, endangering joint property as well as life/health of our son. I am leaning heavily towards divorce. My sons birthday is a few days after Christmas. I have plenty to deal with until after then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> I did agree not to expose to other parties if she was honest about having an affair.


Don't feel bad about breaking this agreement. Not for one second.


----------



## theroad

Machiavelli said:


> Don't feel bad about breaking this agreement. Not for one second.


Any agreement made under duress is not binding.

Besides your WW had an agreement/vom not bang any OM while she was married to you.

Launch the Nukes. Expose now.


----------



## Shaggy

Why did you agree to keep her lies hidden? 

Seriously? Forget that promise, it died when she broke her vows and cheated.

You need to go nuclear and expose.


----------



## skb

Quit your games and get your divorce. The sooner the better. Your wife won't change. Based on what you've posted it would be my guess she has absolutely no feelings for you. It takes two to work on a marriage. BTW, you can do a no-fault in most states that have no-fault if you settle the child custody, child support, and property. If you go the no-fault route they could care less if your wife cheated.


----------



## warlock07

> I am leaning heavily towards divorce


After all this,you are "leaning" ?? What can she do to have you divorce her ?


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

warlock07 said:


> After all this,you are "leaning" ?? What can she do to have you divorce her ?


Update.. It has been a long while since I've posted. 
My wife will be served at work next week. Affair is ongoing. No change in wife's lack of remorse, unwillingness to work on marriage. Getting counseling for our 11 year old son, myself. 
Got whole of her phone records, so have timeline on affair-early August 2012, so about 6 months now, and like many, wish I'd have been emotionally stable enough to act sooner, but was overwhelmed with betrayal. I sent OM demand letter, no response, and have plenty of snapshots from Facebook of them "liking" each other virtually daily, Gps logs of her trips to see him (1000+ miles & 5 days/28 last month)-so attorney at least is content. I have been blocked from both their fb accounts, but have a substantial number of "friends" & plan on blanket exposing, as a final coupdegras for hell week, for my benefit mainly, and in 10 years, can look back and say I didn't just stand by being cuckholded. Thanks again to everyone for their support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

All I can say now, after reading through, is you have come a long hard way in so little time. Keep yourself strong and EXPOSE far and wide, even on her face wall if you can get into it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## livinfree

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Getting counseling for our 11 year old son, myself.


Excellent! Keep all receipts/insurance claims. 



HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Got whole of her phone records, so have timeline on affair-early August 2012, so about 6 months now, and like many, wish I'd have been emotionally stable enough to act sooner, but was overwhelmed with betrayal. I sent OM demand letter, no response, and have plenty of snapshots from Facebook of them "liking" each other virtually daily, Gps logs of her trips to see him (1000+ miles & 5 days/28 last month)-so attorney at least is content.


Keep journaling her time away. *NOT *to prove infedilty but to show (opposing counsel or the courts *YOU *are spending the time with your son whilst she is AFK)



HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> I have been blocked from both their fb accounts, but have a substantial number of "friends" & plan on blanket exposing, as a final coupdegras for hell week, for my benefit mainly, and in 10 years, can look back and say I didn't just stand by being cuckholded. Thanks again to everyone for their support.


Good.. _but _do not dwell on vengeance, it will rot your soul and inhibit healing. Sending letters to the OM and fantasizing retribution undeservedly empower them.

Keep documenting, receipts of grocery shopping, school drop offs, doctor/dental visits. If you have a smart phone use it and take time stamped photos. 

Keep your strategy top secret.


----------



## HollowQuagmireofPain

So this morning, I called OM's mother. She agreed to call him. She did, and just a short while ago, wife shows up, very angry. I had conversation recorded, she said she'd met with attorney 3 days ago, & filed & that Is be served. While we were fighting, as she was leaving, yelling at me, she backhanded me in the face. The slap is audible on recording, son with her next four nights. What should I do? Thinking about having her arrested.

Keep journaling her time away. *NOT *to prove infedilty but to show (opposing counsel or the courts *YOU *are spending the time with your son whilst she is AFK)



Good.. _but _do not dwell on vengeance, it will rot your soul and inhibit healing. Sending letters to the OM and fantasizing retribution undeservedly empower them.

Keep documenting, receipts of grocery shopping, school drop offs, doctor/dental visits. If you have a smart phone use it and take time stamped photos. 

Keep your strategy top secret.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## livinfree

*Ask your lawyer what to do. You are in the process of a divorce. Everything gets run by your lawyer. *

Give your lawyer all the details, such as was this slap in front of your son, etc.

Why did you call the OM's mother?


----------



## snap

livinfree said:


> Why did you call the OM's mother?


Because he is desperate to have her back.


----------



## snap

In other circumstances I would have suggested focusing on divorce and getting her out of your life with least drama possible, but I just don't see it happening.


----------



## 3putt

livinfree said:


> *Ask your lawyer what to do. You are in the process of a divorce. Everything gets run by your lawyer. *
> 
> Give your lawyer all the details, such as was this slap in front of your son, etc.
> 
> *Why did you call the OM's mother?*


It's called Exposure 101. It's how we do things here.

OP, nicely done, BTW.


----------



## livinfree

3putt said:


> It's called Exposure 101. It's how we do things here.
> 
> OP, nicely done, BTW.


Ohhh. Gotcha. I thought the OP was going beta on the OM's mother.


----------



## 3putt

HQP, personally I would've had her arrested. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. How's she ever supposed to learn from her mistakes if no one holds her accountable for them?


----------



## Jasel

3putt said:


> HQP, personally I would've had her arrested. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. How's she ever supposed to learn from her mistakes if no one holds her accountable for them?


Seriously. Would have called the police and played that recording for them. Or at the very least consulted your lawyer after that. It's called assault.


----------



## MattMatt

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> So this morning, I called OM's mother. She agreed to call him. She did, and just a short while ago, wife shows up, very angry. I had conversation recorded, she said she'd met with attorney 3 days ago, & filed & that Is be served. While we were fighting, as she was leaving, yelling at me, she backhanded me in the face. The slap is audible on recording, son with her next four nights. What should I do? Thinking about having her arrested.
> 
> Keep journaling her time away. *NOT *to prove infedilty but to show (opposing counsel or the courts *YOU *are spending the time with your son whilst she is AFK)
> 
> 
> 
> Good.. _but _do not dwell on vengeance, it will rot your soul and inhibit healing. Sending letters to the OM and fantasizing retribution undeservedly empower them.
> 
> Keep documenting, receipts of grocery shopping, school drop offs, doctor/dental visits. If you have a smart phone use it and take time stamped photos.
> 
> Keep your strategy top secret.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Stop thinking of having her arrested. Have her arrested. And ensure your son is not in the hands of an emotionally abusive and physically abusive wretch like your wife has become. If she can't hurt you physically, she may turn her attentions on your son.* Do be careful. *


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yep, you'd be in jail hoping they didn't force you on some sort of supervised visits.


----------



## 3putt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yep, you'd be in jail hoping they didn't force you on some sort of supervised visits.


Yep, this could possibly be a big game changer for him.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I have had three friends get screwed over not making the right call. I'd call the cops now, even if it is too late and file a report. At least something is on file.

Of course, check with your lawyer.


----------



## happyman64

MattMatt is right. Have her arrested.

A few hours in jail will allow her to ponder her past actions.

She will not be any nicer but it shows her you are done being a doormat.


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## Shaggy

Have her arrested. She assaulted you. You know for sure where you'd be if you didn't to her.


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## livinfree

Do it for the right reason: protecting your son and yourself.

I do not agree with doing it for teaching her a lesson. Too late for that. Parenting _ her_ is not your job.


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## keko

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> So this morning, I called OM's mother. She agreed to call him. She did, and just a short while ago, wife shows up, very angry. I had conversation recorded, she said she'd met with attorney 3 days ago, & filed & that Is be served. While we were fighting, as she was leaving, yelling at me, she backhanded me in the face. The slap is audible on recording, son with her next four nights. What should I do? Thinking about having her arrested.
> 
> Keep journaling her time away. *NOT *to prove infedilty but to show (opposing counsel or the courts *YOU *are spending the time with your son whilst she is AFK)
> 
> 
> 
> Good.. _but _do not dwell on vengeance, it will rot your soul and inhibit healing. Sending letters to the OM and fantasizing retribution undeservedly empower them.
> 
> Keep documenting, receipts of grocery shopping, school drop offs, doctor/dental visits. If you have a smart phone use it and take time stamped photos.
> 
> Keep your strategy top secret.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

CALL THE COPS!!

Right now.

Dont waste another second.


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## warlock07

Is this the first time she hit you?

What are the recording laws in your state ? If you have a lawyer, contact him.

How did you get in a position in this relationship where she thought hitting you is ok ?


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## walkonmars

definitely call the cops. See if your lawyer can petition for a TRO to keep her away from you AND your son.


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## Chaparral

I don't understand why you never called his wife. What did his mother say? I would call his grown daughter and tell her how he broke up your family.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Jasel said:


> Seriously. Would have called the police and played that recording for them. Or at the very least consulted your lawyer after that. It's called assault.


I called police, they listened, but suggested the audio clip looked bad for both of us(yelling, profanity), and to let my atty. listen before taking action. I started out calm, but by end (23 min.) I had lost my cool. So, I will see what lawyer says.
As a bonus, the police now have forbidden us from each others homes, and are mandating police escort for drop offs of our son. What could be worse? Aargh!-this is progress?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Yes it is progress even the escort is just another consequences that your WW created for her self. You didn't start this mees but you can finish it!


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## Remains

As an above poster asked, why have you not exposed to OMW yet? How come to mother and not wife? Esp as his mother....she is unlikely to fill the wife in on details.

And I didn't understand your reply either about why speak to mother....you said because he is desperate to see her or something like that....Desperate to see his mother? I don't get it. Am I being thick?


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## livinfree

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> I called police, they listened, but suggested the audio clip looked bad for both of us(yelling, profanity), and to let my atty. listen before taking action. I started out calm, but by end (23 min.) I had lost my cool. So, I will see what lawyer says.
> As a bonus, the police now have forbidden us from each others homes, and are mandating police escort for drop offs of our son. What could be worse? Aargh!-this is progress?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told you. Call your lawyer *first*.

EVERYTHING goes by your lawyer first.

You don't do open heart surgery on yourself or the cops?

Also, your son could have been asked who he wanted to stay with, you do not want a child (or the police) making that decision.


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## daggeredheart

Why didn't you do total exposure 5months ago,by wasting time all you have done is created a Romeo Juliette saga for the star crossed lovers. They had time to plot their counter attack and paint you as the wounded ex who can't accept it. 

You need to tell his wife and everyone who can fog a mirror.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

chapparal said:


> I don't understand why you never called his wife. What did his mother say? I would call his grown daughter and tell her how he broke up your family.


Never could get in touch with wife. From what I gather, they have been divorced for past 6 years(according to my ww, so...), a p.i. friend could find no record of divorce. 
Daughter is younger than I initially thought. She is 15, and apparently (also from ww) had been upset by messages I'd left on OM's answering machine, although, I recorded those messages, & was to the point & controlled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

snap said:


> Because he is desperate to have her back.


Actually, it was because I explained in the certified letter to OM that if he failed to comply, I would disrupt his life to the highest degree legally possible.-being a man of my word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

warlock07 said:


> Is this the first time she hit you?
> 
> What are the recording laws in your state ? If you have a lawyer, contact him.
> 
> How did you get in a position in this relationship where she thought hitting you is ok ?


--yes, first time.
--recording, I can record any conversation I'm a part of, with or without other party's knowledge.
--I was wondering that myself...then realized it wasn't me, was her-she's out of her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

livinfree said:


> I told you. Call your lawyer *first*.
> 
> EVERYTHING goes by your lawyer first.
> 
> You don't do open heart surgery on yourself or the cops?
> 
> Also, your son could have been asked who he wanted to stay with, you do not want a child (or the police) making that decision.


Point taken, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manejadora

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Point taken, thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remind yourself it will be better in a year. The peace you will find from the absence of your toxic wife will be very healing. Sorry to see you here but know it will be better even great
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> I called police, they listened, but suggested the audio clip looked bad for both of us(yelling, profanity), and to let my atty. listen before taking action. I started out calm, but by end (23 min.) I had lost my cool. So, I will see what lawyer says.
> As a bonus, the police now have forbidden us from each others homes, and are mandating police escort for drop offs of our son. What could be worse? Aargh!-this is progress?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What country is this? Police escort? Wow. So your local cops have nothing better to do than involve themselves in a civil matter? And what judge signed the RO/PO that forbids one party from going to the party's home? You do know only a judge has the power to do that, don't you?


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

lordmayhem said:


> What country is this? Police escort? Wow. So your local cops have nothing better to do than involve themselves in a civil matter? And what judge signed the RO/PO that forbids one party from going to the party's home? You do know only a judge has the power to do that, don't you?


I called cop back. Zhe said not mandatory, just highly recommended by them to keep the peace.I had a.. civil conversation w/WW, agreed to grow up for son's benefit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> I called cop back. Zhe said not mandatory, just highly recommended by them to keep the peace.I had a.. civil conversation w/WW, agreed to grow up for son's benefit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Recorded of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle

Sounds to me you are heading into stalker land and if somebody called and made my 15 year old daughter afraid ect I don't care what the situation is that persons would becaome very uncomfertable, with the law or without.

I sure most on here would disagree,but these are situations where somebody finally loses it and does something stupid,so get on with your life regroup and move on.I know there are many guys sitting in prisons who thought they would never go over the line, nobody on here will be there with you.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Jasel said:


> Seriously. Would have called the police and played that recording for them. Or at the very least consulted your lawyer after that. It's callePd assault.


I talked to attorney first, she said "have her arrested!" Called cops, they came out, listened, says they thought it sounded bad from both sides, & couldn't tell if she hit me, or was just he said/she said, no witnesses & to have atty. Listen, then decide...she has not yet listened to audio clips I sent her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

I didn't threaten, or intimidate. I simply stated facts:ie: WW still married, Love her very much, affecting my son, please stop. The exageration of impact came from my foggy stbxw. I gave both recordings, nothing I wouldn't gladly play in court.


dubbizle said:


> Sounds to me you are heading into stalker land and if somebody called and made my 15 year old daughter afraid ect I don't care what the situation is that persons would becaome very uncomfertable, with the law or without.
> 
> I sure most on here would disagree,but these are situations where somebody finally loses it and does something stupid,so get on with your life regroup and move on.I know there are many guys sitting in prisons who thought they would never go over the line, nobody on here will be there with you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh

With all of the other themes in the thread. You seem sort of fanatical why not just move on? 

Continue your life focusing on you and your son however the courts deem fit (unfortunately).

Getting even won't matter at all the sooner she and he are clear of your mind the faster you can move on with your life!!


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## weightlifter

Get this divorce done.

EXPOSE LIKE CRAZY then walk away. I would post some of the best proof on FB since you likely have common friends.

When wife has son go to house parties and mingle. Random poon is superglue for your smashed ego. Once your ego is half reassembled the heart will follow MUCH faster. Hey she is getting some you need some...

READ THE TOP LINK IN MY SIGNATURE!!!


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

*I wish I'd exposed 4 months ago, & listened to tjat p*



weightlifter said:


> Get this divorce done.
> Now I think to myself, "what's the point? Divorce petition is filed, exposure will probably only have negative ramifications, especially since now she and I are doing ok with joint custody. My son is the most important element here, not my desire to bust the affair, although that is appealing in a sense. "
> Am I right, or wrong? Half my friends say "noooo! Don't do it-mostly women, the other half say, "hell yes, expose the ****!"
> EXPOSE LIKE CRAZY then walk away. I would post some of the best proof on FB since you likely have common friends.
> 
> When wife has son go to house parties and mingle. Random poon is superglue for your smashed ego. Once your ego is half reassembled the heart will follow MUCH faster. Hey she is getting some you need some...
> 
> READ THE TOP LINK IN MY SIGNATURE!!!


_Posted via Mobile Device_
Somehow my reply was added to weightlifters, I'm debating exposing to their friends/family at this late stage. Please give me your thoughts yes/no, and why. I value your opinions. Right now I probably will expose, though I wonder/question motives. I'd like to think its to bust the fog, but I know the marriage is over. I want the truth out, not more of her bull****, and am hopeful she decides to kill her fb account.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

You are so right, on many levels.


daggeredheart said:


> Why didn't you do total exposure 5months ago,by wasting time all you have done is created a Romeo Juliette saga for the star crossed lovers. They had time to plot their counter attack and paint you as the wounded ex who can't accept it.
> 
> You need to tell his wife and everyone who can fog a mirror.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

*Re: I wish I'd exposed 4 months ago, & listened to tjat p*



HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> Somehow my reply was added to weightlifters, I'm debating exposing to their friends/family at this late stage. Please give me your thoughts yes/no, and why. I value your opinions. Right now I probably will expose, though I wonder/question motives. I'd like to think its to bust the fog, but I know the marriage is over.* I want the truth out, not more of her bull****, and am hopeful she decides to kill her fb account.*


The marriage is kaput so one of the reasons for exposure - to bust up the affair - is not in play. 

But a valid reason is to 'set the record straight'. She (and he) may will try to spin this affair into something that was of YOUR doing (_"he lost interest in me, no matter how hard I trie4d to keep us together - he just wouldn't cooperate"_)

That kind of bullsnot may not bother you, but it's another form of abuse toward you. Let the truth out to those whose opinions you value. 

Lastly of course there is the 'comeuppance' (revenge if you will) factor. It could be therapeutic to your psyche. 

If it were me - I would expose - not ranting, not bitterly, not weepy - just the facts: " you may know that Jane and I split. There was no way I could ever condone her affair and while I might have forgiven her - she never even apologized and continues with her affair. So be it". 

That type of factual not-gossipy- matter-of-factlly stated to your friends and relatives.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Thank you for your input.
My psyche could definately use some support. I guess there will always be a "what if I did/didn't do this or that,"and wonder if by doing so (exposing) that I will hurt her to the point of never even being able to communicate civilly, and the fact that we'll be parents together for the rest of our lives-gives me pause..


walkonmars said:


> The marriage is kaput so one of the reasons for exposure - to bust up the affair - is not in play.
> 
> But a valid reason is to 'set the record straight'. She (and he) may will try to spin this affair into something that was of YOUR doing (_"he lost interest in me, no matter how hard I trie4d to keep us together - he just wouldn't cooperate"_)
> 
> That kind of bullsnot may not bother you, but it's another form of abuse toward you. Let the truth out to those whose opinions you value.
> 
> Lastly of course there is the 'comeuppance' (revenge if you will) factor. It could be therapeutic to your psyche.
> 
> If it were me - I would expose - not ranting, not bitterly, not weepy - just the facts: " you may know that Jane and I split. There was no way I could ever condone her affair and while I might have forgiven her - she never even apologized and continues with her affair. So be it".
> 
> That type of factual not-gossipy- matter-of-factlly stated to your friends and relatives.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Thank you for your input.
> My psyche could definately use some support. I guess there will always be a "what if I did/didn't do this or that,"and wonder if by doing so (exposing) that I will hurt her to the point of never even being able to communicate civilly, and the fact that we'll be parents together for the rest of our lives-gives me pause..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pause. Pause..

Pause s why you are in a deeper mess and more pain than in November.

Who cares if you have to coparent with her.

She does not respect yOu or will she ever respect you until you stand up for yourself.


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Point taken, guess she kicked me in the balls harder than I thought.


happyman64 said:


> Pause. Pause..
> 
> Pause s why you are in a deeper mess and more pain than in November.
> 
> Who cares if you have to coparent with her.
> 
> She does not respect yOu or will she ever respect you until you stand up for yourself.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Update! First stage of divorce inked & on file. Shared parental custody, 50/50 equal rights. I'm happy with that, and although stbxx is still having affair, I've actually been dating someone new who seems to care for/about me....makes life much easier not trying to fix a loveless marriage. I never knew the woman I married could be so hurtful and cruel. I feel sorry for her now, but won't bother trying to help her discover the truth about her actions & decisions; life will do that over time. I am moving on, and forward to be the best father I can be, and perhaps one day I can open myself up to trusting(but verifying!)openly women again without the burden of being naive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking

Just don't let anymore women walk all over you, okay?

You can stand up for yourself, show some self respect, send a woman packing if she decides to get nasty, and still be a gentleman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Thank you all again. You have given much needed support, and I am trying to pass it forward. Without you, I'd probably be in jail, a hospital, or dead. Having a great time with my son tonight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

Glad to hear it! Take good care of that little rugrat. 

How's D coming?


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## weightlifter

still dating the woman?

if so, bet youve gotten laid more in the last week than the last two months with stbxw.

oh and the ego boost was nice, wasnt it?


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

Update: Stbxw just spent weekend in city where Alamo stands...with OM...still ongoing affair and divorce not final until 3/22/2014. 
Worse, last weekend was her !#%4 "parenting" time, & she took our son to stay at OM's apartment while he was allegedly working nigh shifts-lives, works across state lines. After some gentle questions, my son explained that OM woke him up both mornings, "...he always does."-I recorded that conversation, copied to my attorney as clear violation of our court mediation agreement section regarding staying/having member of opposite sex overnight whilst patenting. 
Other girl I was dating turned out to be whacko, so, at least I'm consistent, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree

HollowQuagmireofPain said:


> Update: Stbxw just spent weekend in city where Alamo stands...with OM...still ongoing affair and divorce not final until 3/22/2014.
> Worse, last weekend was her !#%4 "parenting" time, & she took our son to stay at OM's apartment while he was allegedly working nigh shifts-lives, works across state lines. After some gentle questions, my son explained that OM woke him up both mornings, "...he always does."-I recorded that conversation, copied to my attorney as clear violation of our court mediation agreement section regarding staying/having member of opposite sex overnight whilst patenting.
> Other girl I was dating turned out to be whacko, so, at least I'm consistent, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're gonna be a-okay. Good on you that you have the recording. On the dating scene, take it slow and if that means having a few ONS or a few short term relationships, should be fine. Just don't introduce any woman you're not serious about to your kid. One day at a time. Good luck.


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## weightlifter

Dude wife 2 is out there. It will take time. Just have faith she is out there when you are ready.


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## jack.c

nothing new?


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

jack.c said:


> nothing new?


 I wish I had some great news to share my friends, but it's going on a year since discovery, and the only new items reside in our respective attorneys closets. I still find myself thinking about the "why?" of stbxw's affair, hoping for a sign of remorse, an apology, anything... But, of course, that is not realistic. I've come to understand psychopathy of psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissistic personality disorders to a level I never would have imagined & sure do miss reading hunting & fishing magazines.
I spend my 50/50 'agreed upon' custody time with my son at 200% dad effort rate, and that is healing for us both. I am very grateful for this site, and although I have been attempting to focus on other aspects of my journey, it is never far from my heart and mind. It always has alarmed me at the shear numbers of new stories posted here, and for that alone, I hope to be of support and aid to others caught in the betrayal paintrap. 
I have been dating off and on.. generally finding that for whatever reason, the women I seem to attract all have 'issues'and just want saving.. but not really of course, and seemingly either they disconnect, or I do. I've even met a few women who were betrayed, in similar fashion, and although our conversations were lengthy, and emotional, that's about all it amounted to, and life goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollowQuagmireofPain

confronted 1 year ago today. It is still painful, the memories of her telling me she'd continue the affair even though I begged & pleaded, wept on her shoulder for ten minutes(& then her saying, "are you done?"). This thread reveals the course of my life through the year. I value this forum and members highest in all regards. 
Ya'll were the only thing that made any sense at all, especially in the first few months when I couldn't or wouldn't believe some of the feedback and support so generously offered. 
My anger comes and goes towards STBXW, but more often now I feel pity for her; knowing that at some point her fantastic foggy la-la land journey will collapse upon her like a tidal wave leaving her alone, and stranded with only the decimation of our marriage, family, and history to fill her mind and soul... A sad place indeed. 
I only hope that she gets the help she needs if only to become again the loving mother of our son. I pray for that. God bless us all on this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Appreciate the update. Good to see you're more accepting of your situation now. The pain does get less; the betrayal, however, never goes away.


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## Tobyboy

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

God bless you hollow.

Focus on you and your boy.

She does not matter anymore.

HM


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