# Wife of 35 Years Has a Wild Fling



## hollowman (Aug 6, 2012)

Recently my wife of 35 years told me she was working a grave shift but instead she spent the night in a van with a younger man. 

She has told me this was not planned and that she just went there to comfort him as a friend only but it got out of hand and she fell to temptation. (A customer she met, not a co-worker). 

I met him two days later because he stopped at her work to say goodbye on his way out of state and I happened to be there at that time. I 55 years old and my wife is 51. 

My wife is going though the change of life and I've noticed she has not been seemed to care much about me lately. She has told me she has felt UN-appreciated by me lately also.

I am completely devastated and trying to decide if our life together is over or if we can move forward. I get sick to my stomach right now when thinking about getting intimate.

I could really use some wise advice right now.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

First things first, my man...YOU are not to blame one bit for her transgression.

Second, you need to decide what you want to do. Is this a deal breaker...something that you'd be prepared to leave your wife of 35 years for?

To answer that, you're going to have to ask her some difficult questions and be aware of the possibility that she may lie to you.

At this stage, you are the one who truly gets to decide what happens. She is the one who went outside the marriage. You did not. She is the one who needs to do the "heavy lifting" regarding repairing what she has done...and that includes repairing her broken self.

You need to ask why she did this and if she has ever done it before. You need to tell her that the truth is the only thing that you will accept and be prepared for any answers she gives. Again, be leery that wayward spouses WILL lie. Not to simply lie, but to minimize...be it damage control or to not "hurt your feelings". 

Sorry you're here, man. It ain't the best club to be in, but you'll hear from a lot of us who have been through this crap.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She lied to you about having to work but went to stay with some guy in his van and had sex but it wasn't planned????

And you bought that story? And in a van? BTW, who on this board had some beach front property in Arizona for sale?


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

Pre-one night stand [ONS], she had a right to this feeling:



hollowman said:


> My wife is going though the change of life and I've noticed she has not been seemed to care much about me lately. *She has told me she has felt UN-appreciated by me lately also.*


She could have raised the issue with you; she could have asked you to make the desired changes.

Post-ONS, this self-pity and entitlement goes. Do not stand for it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The biggest mistake you can make is begging and crying for the marriage.
Now your WW needs to see that you are confident in letting her go. Even though you don't want her to leave she must have the perception that her behavior is unexceptable.

Tough love approach is the only way.

In the mean time take the time to figure out what you really want, just don't let her know, as for as your concerned she can leave now.

Do not stand for anything less if she is confussed then she can leave and figure it out. If she is unsure what she wants then ask her to leave until she figures it out.

Enless she feels some real consequences for this behavior she will continue.

If you are pretending to be confident and strong...even though you are not she will not second guess her choices. Your tough love approuch will get her to think twice in what she is about to loss if she continues.

Get it?

Now is not the time to be a nice guy who is apologizing for your adultorous wifes behavior. Now is the time to show your wife you command respect and will not tolorate sharing his wife.

Once you get her realling and the power shifts to her chacing you to keep her marriage then you can make the tough dicision to keep her around.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure she gets an STD test before you have anything to do with her.

Also, it sounds like she knew exactly what was going to happen. It likely isn't the first time they hooked up, especially since she thought ahead to lie about where she was going.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Dig deeper and get the answers.......
A " faithfull wife " of 35 years does not just go one night 
** into a van to comfort a younger man ** and it ends up as a ONS just like that.

If she was always faithful she would have known that going into that van was crossing boundaries.

Human beings are creatures of habit,
There must have been signs

BTW, None of this is your fault.........


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

hollowman said:


> I met him two days later because he stopped at her work to say goodbye on his way out of state and I happened to be there at that time. I 55 years old and my wife is 51.


 This guy just had sex with your wife in a van and you let him say goodbye to her? Boy he must have been laughing all the way out of town.

She shows no remorse, blame shifts saying you were not giving her enough attention, and you make excuses for her and say that it is that time in life?

You are so beta she was looking for some alpha sex. You need to man up right now. You need to be willing to dump her right now, maybe taking her back if she shows remorse and does the heavy lifting. Short of that, you are telling her that she can cheat you will do nothing to stop her. You will be in a one-way open marraige if you do not get angry and act now.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Already good advice here but let me provide a female's perspective.

We girls do not met men in vans unless we are planning to have sex with them. We are funny like that. She is lying.

There is more to this than she is telling you. She is doing the trickle truth tango.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is blame shifting so don't stand for it. She had a choice to leave the marriage and divorce or stay and lie and decieve you.

It was easier to lie then tell you up front that she wanted something or someone else. That was her choice.

If OM (other man) didn't show up she would have never told you.

God only knows when the next OM will come around. 

Consequences and tough love my man


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
Agree with above. Time to investigate. She is lying


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say you met him because you just happened to be there at the time.Was your wife expecting you? Does this guy pass through your area on a regular basis? How did you find out about it?


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## hollowman (Aug 6, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your great answers. Right now we are separated and all family members know what happened. There is one more issue I did not post before;

20 years ago I had a fling and she forgave me for it until now as far as I know. I have never forgiven myself but she managed to do so. We have had a great life together until now.

I feel like I owe her the same treatment back now. 

Thank you all for your help.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

"Change of Life" does not equal affairs. I am very sorry she is making excuses & blaming you for her affair.

I would ask her to leave the marital home until you decide what to do.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Is she remorseful and wanting to reconcile?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

oh sorry didn't catch the separated part & good that all family members know.

Your fling is relevant here; doesn't justify her A; just complicates things.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What did you do 20 yrs ago that keep it together.

Are you excepting the same from her?

It sounds like shes a weak women and just went through the motions until the kids were gone, then made the move to move on with out telling you?

You guys have a lot of history, and it just might be time to let her go. How long have you guys been seperated.


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## hollowman (Aug 6, 2012)

I think she is feeling guilt. She has not tried to reconcile.

And I have total agreement about the fact that I may not have the rest of the story here. She is a great liar when she wants to be.


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## hollowman (Aug 6, 2012)

less than one week.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Lessee, you were 20 and she was 16 when the two you got married, right? It's amazing that the two you lasted thirty-five years. I think she's making up for lost time. Something tells me this isn't her first rodeo.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> she spent the night in a van with a younger man.
> 
> She has told me this was not planned and that she just went there to comfort him


She went to comfort him... at night... in a van... and it just happened? We both know what to think of this don't we?



> She has not tried to reconcile.


So, what's your problem? Are you going to tell her you're sorry she cheated on you or something?



> She is a great liar when she wants to be.


At least you have this pegged. 



> 20 years ago I had a fling and she forgave me for it until now as far as I know.


Irrelevant. If she didn't divorce you like she should have she can't just cash in the chip you apparently think she has. You're either married or your not.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> She went to comfort him


Well, at least that was accomplished.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Well, at least that was accomplished.


That was mean, naughty you...


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

I'm not impressed with 5String or Costa. Costa you have never been cheated on. Banjoman, your track record with relationships is as dirty as it gets. Both of you need to back off of the guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hollow,

How'd you find out? How'd you confront?

Where is she living now?

How many kids? Ages?

What do you want to do? I'm guessing you want to take her back?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

spudster said:


> I'm not impressed with 5String or Costa. Costa you have never been cheated on. Banjoman, your track record with relationships is as dirty as it gets. Both of you need to back off of the guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This could had been phrased more gracefully.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Can we get back to helping OP 

Like mach said, what are your intentions, divorce, reconcile or you have no idea right now? Can't do anything until you decide on a path.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> She lied to you about having to work but went to stay with some guy in his van and had sex but it wasn't planned????
> 
> And you bought that story? And in a van? BTW, who on this board had some beach front property in Arizona for sale?


This story is harder to believe than many others on its face. Meaning this does not add up.

But I would first say that if this indeed happened then it was likely planned and not her first rodeo. What would be different perhpas is that she volunteered the information for some reason. 

What are the odds he would meet this guy on the way out of town? What the odds she would throw away 35 years like this with no past history of screwing around. This was not even an EA.

Pretty odd behavior I'd say. How did your learn about the ONS? When you met the guy you already knew? Or was his and her actions together a giveaway?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Hollowman
> Recently my wife of 35 years told me she was working a grave shift but instead she spent the night in a van with a younger man.
> 
> She has told me this was not planned and that she just went there to comfort him as a friend only but it got out of hand and she fell to temptation. (A customer she met, not a co-worker).
> ...



The IF questions

If she has been a faithful wife for 35 years
If she really wants to reconcile
If she is willing to do the ACTIONS necessary to rebuild
If she is willing to admit that her accusation of you being UN-appreciated is not a good enough excuse for her betrayal-adultery (even if it is true that you have been UN-appreciative?)
If she is willing to follow the advice of a good marriage counselor even if it is hard for her.
If she will realize that her chances of any man doing more for her than you is slim to none. What good man is going to be madly in love with a 51 year old woman that is a cheater?*

If those IF questions are in the affirmative then you have a good chance of rebuilding the marriage. If there is something that the marriage counselor tells you to* do as the husband then you do it!

If she is reluctant to take the actions necessary to rebuild your relationship then KEEP YOUR DIGNITY, DO NOT GROVEL; get a lawyer, get her out, then *start building yourself up body, mind, and spirit so that you will recover and have a good life*. Millions have done that and so can you.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

She seems an undeserving stuff to be forgiven n taken back


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hollowman said:


> Thank you all so much for your great answers. Right now we are separated and all family members know what happened. There is one more issue I did not post before;
> 
> 20 years ago I had a fling and she forgave me for it until now as far as I know. I have never forgiven myself but she managed to do so. We have had a great life together until now.
> 
> ...


Yes. From my personal perspective, you could well be right. You should allow her the same opportunity that you had, now. However, what she does with that opportunity is up to her.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

spudster said:


> I'm not impressed with 5String or Costa. Costa you have never been cheated on. Banjoman, your track record with relationships is as dirty as it gets. Both of you need to back off of the guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since i'm not here to impress you (who are you anyway?) i'm just going to ignore you. I haven't said anything i would not say to a true friend. Believe me when i say that i don't need to have been cheated on to have the all the patterns plenty of times and all around me.


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