# Don't want to overreact if it's nothing,BUT...



## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

Okay I've been trying to rationalize this all in my head, but I can't figure it out and I'm toooo humiliated to discuss this w/friends& family. It is consuming up my time thinking about this. So, I had sneaky suspicions about my husband and his use of his cell phone. He is a quiet and reserved man, but all of a sudden he is getting calls & texts, all day and ALL NIGHT! (while I'm supposedly sleep...he'll put his phone on vibrate but he doesn't know i can still hear it.). He does have a job were he may need to speak 2 co-workers briefly. However, I decided to do my own investigating. He has 2 young single girls from his job, texting him EVERYDAY, even on the weekends! Around me he'll address 1 of them by their last name 2 throw me off. Anyway, without his knowledge I peeked at some of his texts. I think some of the "heated" ones were deleted. They will say things from them like "Are you allowed to come out at night, i need a ride home, LOL", "I don't want to text anymore, I want to talk to you"," You lied to me you said you were going to call me", The other one he talks and texts I saw that they set up lunch dates at work, she sent him a picture of her daughter and he responded with a jokingly response of "I'm the baby's daddy! And she told him how silly he was, and how she looks like her father and her sister AND she sent him a picture of her with a new hairdo and his response to her was "Very nice, I forgot how cute you were!": The way he talks(texts)to them, he has never complimented me like that or even joke! When he worked an over night shift he asked 1 of them to call him to keep him up Now granted he spends the weekends and comes home right after work to be home with his family. But the only other outlet is at his job. Not trying to make excuses, 'cause he is nice, but these conversations are inappropriate. He texts them when I'm not around or sleep and calls them when he leaves the house. He'll even pretend its a male friend that he can talk 2 later and ignore it, but then I see it was 1 of them calling/texting. If they are just friends why is everyone creeping?!!? I can tell from the texts they know he is married or in relationship :FIREdevil: Am I overreacting or he just being a stupidly friendly?!?! Or is this what they call "emotional infidelity?" Give me a logical ear, please


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Definately an emotional affair. I don't think men think this is cheating. You definately have to confront him on this. If he throws in the line, "don't you trust me" or "why are you looking at my personal texts" - make sure you tell him that if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd do the same thing. With a married couple, there should be no secrets. What is it that he is getting from these girls that he can't get at home? 
Definately talk to him ASAP before it goes further because you are not overreacting. How long have you been married?


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

that's like what i have been going through with my husband. i feel he is emotionally cheating on me but he only sees cheating as anything sexual. i confronted my husband last year about him texting this woman he "used to" have feelings for. he even had her under a guy's name to fool be, but he messed up when he addressed her by her name in a text. and now i catch him texting this women who is now supposedley a potential pen pal in case he deploys. i dont see how he could have a penpal when he told me he would barely have time to write me, his own wife!

i hope you find a solution. i confronted him about his texts and now he just deleted them as if that makes anything better.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

If nothing is wrong and he's being 100 he'll be find talking to them in front of you and letting you see the texts...also IF they are just friends then both sides would be respecting boundaries (IE: NOT TEXTING AT INNAPROPRIATE HOURS!!!!)

This sh*t pisses me off so bad...I'm sorry you have to go through it as I've been through it too. Shady is as shady does. Remember that. And yes talk to him about it. I bet if the tables were turned Mr. Floweredteacup would be p*ssed no doubt.


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

We've been married for 15yrs, and we have been roommates for 4yrs  My instinct is telling me there is more to this because he is more concern w/his appearance;buys new up-to-date clothes, wears cologne, etc. What makes me furious is that he is sashaying around like he is an innocent lamb. He is CLUELESS to what I know! BTW, I did ask him a couple of months ago before I thought anything who 1 of them was, and he got somewhat defensive, rolled his eyes, uncomfortable body language. That was my clue to check his texts. They had stop texting for a while, then when they started back up he would delete them all. Phone records showed me that they would have 12-20 texts at night. Now he's gotten relaxed and doesn't erase like before. That is how I found out about the other one, who I thought was a man. They are not sexually explicit, but like i said before they are INAPPROPRIATE! They all sound like high school flirting! Should I be "going off" instead of being the calm, oblivious, rational thinker ?!? PLEASE GIVE ME MORE FEED BACK!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

you need to sit him and have a long talk with him, its not fair to you, im pretty sure theres probably more goin on then just txting. Its disrespectful to you, he should atleast be a man and own up to what hes been doin. Tell him you know about the msgs and as mentioned above, tell him if the shoes were on the other feet, he would snoop around too. In a marriage there are no secerts, everything is out in the open, theres no need to hide anything, and besides if theres nothing going on between him and these other girls, then he wouldnt be hiding any of it, and he would let you see the msgs instead of deleten them. Hope it all works out for you.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Here's what you do...take his phone, put it on the ground and stomp the hell out of it...while you're doing that, tell him what a no-good SOB he is for text flirting with those two skeezers at his job, you know all about it and you're tired, you've had enough.

You're sick of his attitude, his lack of attention and general boredom in the bedroom. If he put half as much effort in his marriage and Biblical duties as a man, you're marriage wouldn't be the joke it currently is...

If he doesn't believe that he is having an emotional affair, google it and print it and show him...it's there, it's what he is doing. Tell him flat out that he is being a disrespectful ass to you and what he is doing needs to stop immediately. 

Then stomp on the phone again and aggressively say to him, "if it doesn't stop, the next stomp won't be your phone, it will be your balls...buddy!" And let him know to be afraid, be very afraid, to go to sleep.

Preacher


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Even if it has not turned physical yet, the stage is set for it to do so. 
What is the state of your relationship otherwise? You said that he was your "roommate"?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Here's what you do...take his phone, put it on the ground and stomp the hell out of it...while you're doing that, tell him what a no-good SOB he is for text flirting with those two skeezers at his job, you know all about it and you're tired, you've had enough.
> 
> You're sick of his attitude, his lack of attention and general boredom in the bedroom. If he put half as much effort in his marriage and Biblical duties as a man, you're marriage wouldn't be the joke it currently is...
> 
> ...


:iagree: JD, I like your _finesse_.

Women are too mamby-pamby with their DHs IMHO. He's screwing around with these women.

Call him on it and work it out. Don't worry yourself to death, call him out on it. What's he gonna do "get mad"? He has no RIGHT to get mad, when he's in the WRONG!


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Even if it has not turned physical yet, the stage is set for it to do so.
> What is the state of your relationship otherwise? You said that he was your "roommate"?


We have no physical contact with each other. It is very peculiar for me when I even think about it.  Frequently, he'll sleep on the couch. His excuse is that we don't like the same tv shows and he falls asleep.( If he gets up to p*ss, he has to walk by the bedrm door, plus the tv watches me!) But we are like "roommates" who are married. To the outside world you would think we have our sh*t together. Like I said before, he's always home &when he's not, he's at work and then on the weekends he wants to be with me and the children. However, he never wants to spend any ALONE time with me. There is no initiative on his part, and if I suggest anything he'll look at me as if I'm crazy. so I have stopped. Even though i said all of this I'm trying 2 find out when he has time 2 be dirty?? I've been trying to read into the texts, but they r not sexually charged, but those could've been erased. Unless he sneaking in closed offices or corners at his job getting BJ's I don't know what the hell is actually happening. Or maybe i don't want to??? Ya'll I don't want to go ballistic on his dumb a**, especially if he is trying to talk stupid sh*t to these dumb b*tches to boost his ego, however I am furious!issed: How the hell you gonna talk to these tricks on a regular.:wtf: 
I hate that we have gotten to this point, because he know I'm a force to be reckoned with!:FIREdevil:


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Ok, no physical contact and he is talking trash with these other women? It does not matter if he is home all the time...he gets a lunch break at work I assume? The point is, if he is not looking to you for his needs to be met, and you are finding questionable messages from these women, its likely his needs are being met...with one or both of them. Even if it IS only getting his ego stroked...YOU are the one he should be looking to for that, and any effort he does put out should be on YOU and not on them.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I think it's obvious at this point he is emotionally detached from you and your marriage. He stays around because he loves his children. Thats the only reason. You can break his phone, kick him in the nuts, it isnt going to matter. If he hasnt been physical with you for that long, it's done. Now you've got two choices. Deal with the fact he is going to do whatever he wants and start doing things to make yourself happy. Or divorce him and look for another man.



John


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## Catholic_RN (Aug 10, 2009)

I'd say it's time to get rid of text messaging.


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> I think it's obvious at this point he is emotionally detached from you and your marriage. He stays around because he loves his children. Thats the only reason. You can break his phone, kick him in the nuts, it isnt going to matter. If he hasnt been physical with you for that long, it's done. Now you've got two choices. Deal with the fact he is going to do whatever he wants and start doing things to make yourself happy. Or divorce him and look for another man.
> 
> 
> 
> John


:iagree: Thanks for the male perspective. The truth sometimes hurts. I appreciate the help from ALL of you.


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## danyell80 (Apr 20, 2009)

i know how ya feel i went through the same thing.i would talk to him have ya tried mc?


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

your are right on target, get it out in the open let him know your are not going to continue to tolerate his behavior. i am going a similar situation husband suddenly 10 days ago is divorcing me for numberous reasons none of which i feel i can control. the worst is exactly what your husband is doing. he denied everything i guess that is normal when they are first busted. i unfortunately found an email for several young pretty girls from his craigslist account never had a clue he visited there too. he mentioned to one of them that he hoped she was okay after her situation the previous afternoon. i guess i got what i got by confirming my suspicsions it hurts like i never imagined i could hurt. i called several of the prostitutes he has contacted via his mobile phone mind you listed numerous times during the month of July's bill. he was just a few feet from me in hearing distance i gotta give it to the tramps they all had it together in the cover-up stories but that is the oldest profession i have been told so they should be experienced in lying and hurting families that they service for the old mighty dollars. my revenge got me satisfaction for myself it felt so good to beg them to please cut off communication with him until he has filed and fianl from our 11year marriage although it got me no where. i just had and needed to do it. his revenge yes revenge for me was blocking me from my cell phone with a security code he forwarded my cell incoming calls to my office number. thank god it is a direct line and not having to go through the reception desk. i just buried my 7month old grandson yesterday and he cared not. he cared not that i needed and was waiting for calls that he had forwarded to my office line from sunday to today before i realized what he had done. how small is that? how low can he go next? i now fear everything as i have done nothing so far to protect myself from being left pennieless in the bank account or hired an attorney nothing. i was stupid enough to think that he would reconsider his actions and come to me to ask if we could try to work on our marriage. i was stupid enough to think that he may have shown up at the grave side service for my grandson. what is wrong with me i hate myself for being so weak at heart so pathetic in nature that i would be willing to even consider to hope that he would want me again. i ask you are you prepared fully for the results of your validation? i thought that i was until it turned out this way i thought that i was going to grow old or older i am 50years young he is 58 years old. i love him so badly and he suddenly can not even look at me without being mean. the words that have been exchanged between us can never be forgiven. i really honestly hate myself for being so weak. i put these types of women down for being so weak and plain stupid to tolerate affairs from spouses. here i am living it now. all i can say is god forgive me for judging others before i walked a step in their shoes. i wonder why the police allow the craigslist site to be available our area so plainly bluntly worded sex for sale contact whor#why have they not shut it down? sorry i am taking to long i just cant stop myself i need to get my feelings out. please if you have advice good advice i need it please too fragile to be slammed kind critisicm only.


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

I have had a similar situation with my husband, he was being messaged by a woman he worked with, I found her name and phone number in his cigarette packet one day, her name was rosie and she had a heart above the i as a dot. I fronted him with it and he told me she was an old lady from work who wanted him to do some maintenance on her house for her. I hoped that was true but of course it wasnt, one night I caught him right up in the pool area talking to this woman on the phone. He tried to make out they were just work friends, well sorry but innocent people talk on the phone in front of you, guilty hides way up the back yard. The next night when he came home he found all his clothes and belonings packed up ready to go. I am important and my feelings are important, NO MAN is ever going to treat me that way, stand up for yourself. I think too many woman fear being lonely and alone so they stay hoping to work things out, but the truth is you can be just as lonely in a marriage as out of one. Dont hang on to something that is hurting you, go out and get a life and live it to the fullest and be happy, dont let any man put you down by screwing around or flirting with other woman its just not worth it


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

floweredteacup said:


> We've been married for 15yrs, and we have been roommates for 4yrs  My instinct is telling me there is more to this because he is more concern w/his appearance;buys new up-to-date clothes, wears cologne, etc.


You haven't had sex with him for four years and you're wondering why he's seeking out other women?

I'm sure there's more to the story about why all that happened, but yeah.... I wouldn't have stuck around as long as he has with you with that issue going on.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

woe_is_me said:


> that's like what i have been going through with my husband. i feel he is emotionally cheating on me but he only sees cheating as anything sexual. i confronted my husband last year about him texting this woman he "used to" have feelings for. he even had her under a guy's name to fool be, but he messed up when he addressed her by her name in a text. and now i catch him texting this women who is now supposedley a potential pen pal in case he deploys. i dont see how he could have a penpal when he told me he would barely have time to write me, his own wife!
> 
> i hope you find a solution. i confronted him about his texts and now he just deleted them as if that makes anything better.


 He deleted them so you wouldn't see them, not to make it better!


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

Atholk said:


> You haven't had sex with him for four years and you're wondering why he's seeking out other women?
> 
> I'm sure there's more to the story about why all that happened, but yeah.... I wouldn't have stuck around as long as he has with you with that issue going on.


 

He's feeling better with himself.....Maybe you should do something for yourself...


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

Update!! I went along with all the good and logical advice that was given to me. I told him EXACTLY how I felt, etc. etc. and he expressed his thoughts, concerns,and yada, yada.... We even talked about the NEXT steps we are going to take to make our marriage work. Things since then have been very uplifting to say the least. Well,well, well....something in my female intuition told me to check his texts. This no good b*stard was telling some new trick how good she looks in some shorts AND this trick sends him a picture of her!! Now, I hate for my intelligence to be belittled, I am so livid for being so stupid to think it was on the verge of getting better. If any vital signs were checked on me now, I would be admitted for a potential strokeissed::banghead:issed:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Any children? If no. Leave his ass! Obviously he does not care about your marriage. Work on yourself, learn to be independant if you aren't already and find someone who will respect you more. Sorry, but if he promised to work on your marriage then turned around and started all over again with the EA, he is lying to you. Or he has an addiction that he can not work out on his own. What an ***hole!


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

:rant:I am soooo sick and tired of being sick and tired!! I am thinking of LEAVING HIS A**! I have had enough of this bull***t ! I am so tired of him lying to my face and the outright DISRESPECT! ( Wonder if he knows how disrespectful he is by having this "friend"? Or maybe he doesn't care? But he makes it his "sneaky mission" to keep from my knowledge)
One thing I give him credit, he trained this b****, to not call him when he his home. But the late night texting (8pm-1am) and the underlying attraction in them, is TOO MUCH FOR ME! As far as I can detect,no physical action has occurred, but the EA he his having with this co-worker has taking a toll on me mentally and physically.

I don't think he wants to work things out. We communicate a little bit better now, but EVERYTHING else is the same! I don't feel wanted or appreciated. And his behaviour indicates to me that he really doesn't care! If he does care and want it to work, why does this continue these H.S. antics ?! I feel as though I'm going to explode from keeping all of this inside. HE HAS NO CLUE THAT I KNOW about anything i have discussed. But now I am feeling depressed and lonely. I don't like feeling this way. I do not know what to do? Am I really overreacting or what??? Or should I wait for some really incriminating details? I am at my wits end! What should I do?:rant:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I have to think that the desire for better, more solid, more incriminating, more damning evidence has to do with the need to force them to admit the truth.

Well, even with a lot of evidence, a lot of people won't admit the truth. They'll lie or they'll turn it on you, somehow. 

Will having yet more evidence make him change his ways? Probably not. He's already made his decision about what he's going to do. You catching him and "forcing" him to honor his vows doesn't really get you what you want. This guy should be on his knees begging forgiveness but instead he's pushing things underground.

What do you do next? You file for divorce. Put the fear of god into him. You're not going to take this any longer. If he wants to be single, he can do it after he's divorced.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Here's what you do...take his phone, put it on the ground and stomp the hell out of it...while you're doing that, tell him what a no-good SOB he is for text flirting with those two skeezers at his job, you know all about it and you're tired, you've had enough.
> 
> You're sick of his attitude, his lack of attention and general boredom in the bedroom. If he put half as much effort in his marriage and Biblical duties as a man, you're marriage wouldn't be the joke it currently is...
> 
> ...



LMAOOOOOOO:rofl::iagree:

Remind me not to marry you!!


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## goodguy401 (Sep 20, 2012)

Super duper wrong what you man is doing. You need to confront him and put an end to this nonsense before he does something to ruin both his work and home lifes. He need to turn that focus and attention back to you. Good luck...


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

This doesn't sound like a happy marriage to begin with. Doesn't seem he is attracted to you or is interested in you any longer. I agree with the other posters saying he is just in it for the kids. 

If he is to get better, you guys need to make a dramatic change in your marriage. I don't think he is in love with you anymore and he is seeking this elsewhere.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Wow, last activity in 2010 for OP. Idk why people get a kick out of reviving these old threads.


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