# Self destruction



## Tdubw

Hi, I’ve only read a few of the topics on this sight so I apologies if I’m posting in the wrong place or format.
Today I’m desperate. I’m a cheating husband . I’ve been married 22years today! And yesterday I was caught kissing another woman. it was lunch and a kiss, but nevertheless wrong and shameful. I’ve have two affairs previously and my Angel of a wife has stood by me. But not this time! although I don’t deserve anything better I am absolutely devastated . She genuinely is the love of my life but you wouldn’t think that because of the way I treat her. 
I seem to fall into an endless circle of an event happening in my life and then me needing to run off and get comfort elsewhere. This time, I lost my job 2 months ago , can’t find another, feel down and depressed so I go and get my lift by seeking out someone who pays me attention. A pathetic man who needs to feel good about himself.
anyway enough of the excuses, my wife is a good person and I don’t deserve her.......but I need her, I need to make it right . For her enough is enough. Today I’ve reached rock bottom. Started having “those” thoughts. What do i do?


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## Torninhalf

Tdubw said:


> Hi, I’ve only read a few of the topics on this sight so I apologies if I’m posting in the wrong place or format.
> Today I’m desperate. I’m a cheating husband . I’ve been married 22years today! And yesterday I was caught kissing another woman. it was lunch and a kiss, but nevertheless wrong and shameful. I’ve have two affairs previously and my Angel of a wife has stood by me. But not this time! although I don’t deserve anything better I am absolutely devastated . She genuinely is the love of my life but you wouldn’t think that because of the way I treat her.
> I seem to fall into an endless circle of an event happening in my life and then me needing to run off and get comfort elsewhere. This time, I lost my job 2 months ago , can’t find another, feel down and depressed so I go and get my lift by seeking out someone who pays me attention. A pathetic man who needs to feel good about himself.
> anyway enough of the excuses, my wife is a good person and I don’t deserve her.......but I need her, I need to make it right . For her enough is enough. Today I’ve reached rock bottom. Started having “those” thoughts. What do i do?


3 strikes and you are out. Divorce your wife and get some help.


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## Tdubw

I’m trying to get some help and counselling. I don’t want to divorce her. I want to throw everything at trying to work it out.


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## Torninhalf

Tdubw said:


> I’m trying to get some help and counselling. I don’t want to divorce her. I want to throw everything at trying to work it out.


You already threw everything away. 3 times. This isn’t your decision now.


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## Tdubw

Yes I agree 100%. And I have no right to ask her to forgive me, but I can’t just walk away, I can’t just give in without a fight.


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## lifeistooshort

Well you could start by asking your wife what she wants.

Everything in your post screams ME ME ME ME ME. I want this, I want that, I need this, I need that. I don't want a divorce....what my wife needs doesn't matter because MEEEE.

So what does your wife want?


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## Diana7

In the end it's really not your decision. Maybe your wife was foolish to take you back after 2 affairs and now she is suffering for it. If she decides to end the marriage then please respect her wishes, accept that this is what happens when you cheat, especially three times, and try and be a better person in future.
It's hard to see how there could be any trust left or how it could be rebuilt. 
If you have children then put your efforts into being a good dad to them and let her go. You know she deserves better so let her go.


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## Tdubw

It does I agree but as I said I’m desperate and struggling today. So please forgive the self pity. I completely understand however I am feeling , my wife is feeling 100 times worse.
I came on here to get some guidance and although tough love is good, constructive would help.
she wants out !! Who wouldn’t


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> Yes I agree 100%. And I have no right to ask her to forgive me, but I can’t just walk away, I can’t just give in without a fight.


Forgiving doesn't mean she has to stay. 
In fact she would be crazy to even consider it.


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## Tdubw

She does deserve better. I’m just hanging on.


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## joannacroc

You have idenified your pattern which is a plus. If I can use a visual - when your wife agreed to reconcile with you the first time, she gave you a huge gift. What you essentially did when you decided to cheat again was take that gift, smash it on the ground, hit it several times with a hammer and did a merry jig on the remains. She forgave you again (which for damn sure is not something most spouses would do) and what did you do? The same thing over again. I think the major issue is you care more about what would make you happy than about your wife. 

In therapy try and address the WHY behind you doing this to make you feel better about yourself. Sure your self-esteem was shot because you experienced a setback. That happens to all of us. I'm with you there. But you made the choice to do this 3 times. You broke trust with your wife because instead of respecting that she gave you an enormous gift, you seek refuge in self-flagelation of "oh i'm such a terrible person." You CHOSE to do that. So if you don't want to feel that way, don't do the terrible thing. Think long and hard about what you would do in your wife's position. If someone has abused your trust 3 times, would YOU want to give them another shot?


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> It does I agree but as I said I’m desperate and struggling today. So please forgive the self pity. I completely understand however I am feeling , my wife is feeling 100 times worse.
> I came on here to get some guidance and although tough love is good, constructive would help.
> she wants out !! Who wouldn’t


Then please leave, give her the divorce she wants and stop causing her so much suffering. You know you will almost certainly do it again, I am sure you said you wouldn't after the first two times, so do all you can to give her what she wants. Dont fight it, respect her wishes. Agree to what she wants in the divorce.


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## Openminded

If you’re hoping that posters are going to come up with a strategy to help a serial cheater win his wife back, you’re very likely on the wrong forum. Let her go if that’s what she wants, learn from this, and be grateful that she stayed as long as she did. Good luck.


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## Tdubw

Wow, it took a bit of guts to post on here so thank you all for your brutal and truthful advise. You’re right, I made the choices, I made the bad decisions and I deserve everything I get


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> I’m trying to get some help and counselling. I don’t want to divorce her. I want to throw everything at trying to work it out.


Why didn't you get some help after the first or second affair? Why only now when you're wife has had enough?


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> Wow, it took a bit of guts to post on here so thank you all for your brutal and truthful advise. You’re right, I made the choices, I made the bad decisions and I deserve everything I get


Do you have children? If you do then think of them and be there to support them. Be the best dad you can and if your wife wants you to leave and give her space then please do so out of respect for her.


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> Wow, it took a bit of guts to post on here so thank you all for your brutal and truthful advise. You’re right, I made the choices, I made the bad decisions and I deserve everything I get


Adultery, especially serial adultery, is such an awful thing that has so many consequences. I hope that you will use this probable loss if your marriage to become a better person for the future.


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## Tdubw

I did try to get some help it just didn’t work out. I asked my wife to come with me but it’s not her thing.


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## Torninhalf

Tdubw said:


> I did try to get some help it just didn’t work out. I asked my wife to come with me but it’s not her thing.


What didn’t work out? Why can’t you stay faithful?


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## Tdubw

Yes I have two wonderful children, 19 and 27 . I’m ashamed and embarrassed. They are good kids, we’ve always had great relationships and now I have broken their trust too.


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## Tdubw

The councillor too kind and respectful, I needed to be told some truths (like you guys) .
im not a bad person, I’m a good dad but I’ve done bad things . I’m not proud, I’m not someone who gloats about my wrong doings, I just fail sometimes


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## hubbyintrubby

Tdubw said:


> I did try to get some help it just didn’t work out. I asked my wife to come with me but it’s not her thing.


You need the help more than your "we" needs help. Now and then.


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## lifeistooshort

Everything is still all about you.

Real redemption comes when you accept that things aren't all about you.

I know my wife is miserable because I can't be trusted but how can I beg/convince her to stay with me because MEEEEEEEE? I need, I want....I know she's hurting but what about ME and how bad things are for ME?

Maybe if I play the pity channel I can divert attention to how bad I'm hurting and my wife will think about ME!

This is the mindset you have to break. You're not the victim here but you behave like you are. If your wife wants out man up and give it to her.


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## Tdubw

Agreed. I thought that I could get some answers, I thought having her there would help. 
life isn’t easy, life is sometimes a struggle, cheating isn’t the answer I know but sometimes it’s a consequence. For anyone who sometimes struggles with their own thoughts, we don’t always make the right choices. Not an excuse, a reality


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## Torninhalf

Tdubw said:


> Agreed. I thought that I could get some answers, I thought having her there would help.
> life isn’t easy, life is sometimes a struggle, cheating isn’t the answer I know but sometimes it’s a consequence. For anyone who sometimes struggles with their own thoughts, we don’t always make the right choices. Not an excuse, a reality


Just stop it. Its an excuse. Oh poor me...keep your penis in your pants.


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## Tdubw

Thanks #lifestooshort. Appreciate your comments. Very appreciative.


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## Tdubw

Thanks for all your thoughts


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## Openminded

The therapist you saw may not have helped but there are others who could. You need to find one. Today.


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## Tdubw

Have been calling around. Waiting for a call back. Thanks.
have spoken to relate.


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## BigDaddyNY

I'm sure in all of your cheating incidents you had ample opportunities to get a conscience and stop in your tracks, but you didn't. Get counseling, you'll probably need it for your next relationship after the divorce. Tell your wife you want to reconcile, but she is the decision maker and leave it at that. Honestly, if she is smart she will leave you. The odds you won't do this again, even with counseling, are slim to none. Think about it, you went on a date with another women the day before your anniversary. She should have been the only thing on your mind. You should have been planning something special for the two of you, but instead you were selfishly and callously trying to hook up with someone new. Sad example of a decent man and "good Dad". I don't know if you have sons, daughters or both, but should a good Dad be teaching their boys it is okay to cheat, lie and be deceitful and teaching their daughters that men can't be trusted or that you have to allow yourself to be disrespected and lied to in order to be loved and stay married?


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> I did try to get some help it just didn’t work out. I asked my wife to come with me but it’s not her thing.


Not sure why your wife needs to go with you, the issue is with you.


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## Diana7

Has it not occured to you that she may be happier and better off without you? That the kindest thing you could do for her would be to end the marriage? I appreciate that you want to stay in the marriage but it's not about you any more.


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## Diana7

Tdubw said:


> Yes I have two wonderful children, 19 and 27 . I’m ashamed and embarrassed. They are good kids, we’ve always had great relationships and now I have broken their trust too.


Hopefully you have told them about the affairs?


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## jlg07

Tdubw said:


> Wow, it took a bit of guts to post on here so thank you all for your brutal and truthful advise. You’re right, I made the choices, I made the bad decisions and I deserve everything I get


Just one thing to understand -- you CAN'T make your wife do ANYTHING. This decision is in HER hands now, no matter WHAT you want. You can only control YOU. Get to counseling, make sure you identify WHY you are self-sabotaging, and work on those issues so that YOU get better. It may not be in the realm of your current marriage, but you need to work on YOU. You are not a safe partner for anyone right now, but you can correct that if you do the work.


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## QuietRiot

Tdubw said:


> Have been calling around. Waiting for a call back. Thanks.
> have spoken to relate.


I have some questions...Did your wife catch you kissing? How did you find this affair partner? Who were your last two? What is the situation right now with your wife (is she moved out, said she is leaving you)?

When she forgave you the first two times did she just refuse to talk about it or how did that work?

And lastly... be honest. You’ve cheated more than 3 times haven’t you. You were caught three times but there were more.


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## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> Well you could start by asking your wife what she wants.
> 
> Everything in your post screams ME ME ME ME ME. I want this, I want that, I need this, I need that. I don't want a divorce....what my wife needs doesn't matter because MEEEE.
> 
> So what does your wife want?


She wanted a husband who was loyal.
She has yet to find one.

I suggest a locked chastity cage around your penis, and a locked muzzle over your lips.

I am trying to be funny, and you are trying to be serious.

I think I'm doing the better job.


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## Laurentium

Tdubw said:


> I did try to get some help it just didn’t work out. I asked my wife to come with me but it’s not her thing.


That's unfortunate. 

RELATE is OK, but you're likely to get a female counsellor, maybe even a trainee. (Also don't let them give you an assessment and _then_ put you on a very long waiting list. That sometimes happens.) 

Where are you at now? What exactly is happening? Are you speaking to each other? What have you done to address this?


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## Laurentium

Diana7 said:


> Not sure why your wife needs to go with you, the issue is with you.


Because when he gets roasted, she needs to see it.


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## Girl_power

My advice is never get married again.


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## Twodecades

1. Call a suicide helpline if you feel you could harm yourself. 
2. Let go of the outcome of your marriage. Do what's best for your wife, including letting her start a new life without you in it. She is entitled to that if she chooses.
3. Find a therapist ASAP and stick with it. Do the work. You will not be regret truly doing the work to grow.


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## Tdubw

Thank you Laurentium.
I have arranged a councillor for tomorrow. I have told my wife I will do whatever she asks me to. And she does need to be there when I get roasted. I deserve no less.


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## Tdubw

And thank you SunCmars.
ive learnt many things on here today.
my wife is probably going to leave me . And I don’t blame her.
im selfish and need help.
and worst of all. When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely, and ask for help. Oh sorry, that was me trying to be funny too. Ps I take it Mars stands for Marsbar


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## BigDaddyNY

Tdubw said:


> And thank you SunCmars.
> ive learnt many things on here today.
> my wife is probably going to leave me . And I don’t blame her.
> im selfish and need help.
> and worst of all. When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely, and ask for help. Oh sorry, that was me trying to be funny too. Ps I take it Mars stands for Marsbar


Poor humor attempt from a man with no moral compass, at least none when it is convenient for him.


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## Torninhalf

BigDaddyNY said:


> Poor humor attempt from a man with no moral compass, at least none when it is convenient for him.


😂 He seems very nice.


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## Prodigal

Well, all I can say is this: If your wife decides to ultimately divorce you, you'll come out okay if you make this a learning lesson. Get really serious about counseling. Respect your wife's choice, whatever it may be. Read up on and implement the 180. It's not to win her back, but it's meant to assist you to be a better person.

I'd add a few more words here, but I think everyone else has pretty much covered it.

ETA: I've been on this site for a long time. I don't see anyone who weighed in here as bitter. They simply aren't going to lend a sympathetic ear to a serial cheater.


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## Luckylucky

Can I ask something?

Why didn’t you leave HER years ago?

You have been ‘leaving’ her in so many ways during your 22 years, can you explain why you didn’t make it official?


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## lifeistooshort

Let's make a nasty comment because nobody is participating in the pity party but then claim it was a joke.

Ok then...we all know this tactic.


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## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> Let's make a nasty comment because nobody is participating in the pity party but then claim it was a joke.
> 
> Ok then...we all know this tactic.


Cheaters like to play the victim. This is a lesson he needs to learn.


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## QuietRiot

Tdubw said:


> When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely


Hey, I’m not single yet sir.

You silver tongued devil you.


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## Laurentium

Tdubw said:


> When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely, and ask for help. Oh sorry, that was me trying to be funny too. Ps I take it Mars stands for Marsbar


So which is it? You deserve roasting, or you don't?


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## theloveofmylife

Tdubw said:


> When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely, and ask for help. Oh sorry, that was me trying to be funny too. Ps I take it Mars stands for Marsbar


This tells us all we need to know.

This is a _marriage_ board. You should probably find a cheaters' board if all you want is commiseration from other cheaters instead of hard truths.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Your wife must be devastated. She will need some therapy herself for the trauma and betrayal. The best I can advise is to seperate/divorce and work on yourself so you don't hurt anyone in the future. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

Have a think about this. Did you really expect people to be able to or want to offer advise to a man who has cheated at least three times on how to keep his wife? The thing is that most people will think that after cheating at least 3 times she will be far better off without you, and should have left you before. So wanting ideas about how to make her stay is impossible as you can't. 
Yes you felt low, but it is very hard to be sympathetic when your dreadful choices and decisions have devasted your family three times. It's they who need the sympathy. You are sad that you have been caught yet again and that this time your wife may finally end the marriage, but maybe loosing her will finally make you change. Her having you back twice before changed nothing because you just went and did it again.


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## LisaDiane

Tdubw said:


> And thank you SunCmars.
> ive learnt many things on here today.
> my wife is probably going to leave me . And I don’t blame her.
> im selfish and need help.
> and worst of all. When you’re feeling a low as you possibly can don’t go on a forum full of bitter, obviously single and twisted Americans, who think constructive means shouting and I’m guessing by the typos, probably hitting two keys at once with her sausage fingers, larger than usual,so definitely lonely, and ask for help. Oh sorry, that was me trying to be funny too. Ps I take it Mars stands for Marsbar


You are actually the one who sounds bitter.
And I wonder if it's because you are now faced with the prospect of NOT getting what you want - cheating AND being forgiven by your wife for it.

Your attitude implies an enormous sense of entitlement, and you got BRILLIANT insight and advice from a few people on here that you clearly have dismissed in favor of ridiculing the posters who you feel slighted by. That is also very shallow and immature of you...so how can you come on here and tell everyone that THIS time you are REALLY sorry...??
If you loved your wife, you would NOT have betrayed her like this again.

I wonder...if YOUR wife had been having an affair with a sexy, awesome guy, how would YOU feel?? Would you be able to dismiss it?

The posters on here who have responded to you are NOT lonely or twisted, they are actually AWESOME, because they can smell BS from a MILE away, and don't believe you when you try to tell them they are smelling roses.


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## Torninhalf

LisaDiane said:


> You are actually the one who sounds bitter.
> And I wonder if it's because you are now faced with the prospect of NOT getting what you want - cheating AND being forgiven by your wife for it.
> 
> Your attitude implies an enormous sense of entitlement, and you got BRILLIANT insight and advice from a few people on here that you clearly have dismissed in favor of ridiculing the posters who you feel slighted by. That is also very shallow and immature of you...so how can you come on here and tell everyone that THIS time you are REALLY sorry...??
> If you loved your wife, you would NOT have betrayed her like this again.
> 
> I wonder...if YOUR wife had been having an affair with a sexy, awesome guy, how would YOU feel?? Would you be able to dismiss it?
> 
> The posters on here who have responded to you are NOT lonely or twisted, they are actually AWESOME, because they can smell BS from a MILE away, and don't believe you when you try to tell them they are smelling roses.


I hope his wife is banging someone right now. 😂


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## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> I hope his wife is banging someone right now. 😂


Oh give him a break, he is so charming! My sausage fingers are all aquiver.


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## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> Oh give him a break, he is so charming! My sausage fingers are all aquiver.


😂😂😂😂


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## Luckylucky

Tdubw said:


> Thank you Laurentium.
> I have arranged a councillor for tomorrow. I have told my wife I will do whatever she asks me to. And she does need to be there when I get roasted. I deserve no less.


Back to business, how did your session go?

Could you elaborate why your wife wanting to leave you is making you suicidal?

I’m of the impression you don’t want her anyway? Could you help us by giving us an insight into why you didn’t leave her a long time ago? It seems that by repeatedly cheating, you desperately wanted out.

Why didn’t you divorce her years ago?

She’s leaving now, isn’t that what you’ve wanted? Why do you want her now?

Genuine questions designed to help us help you. If you want help. Or you can just vent if you don’t want help too, that’s cathartic.


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## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I hope his wife is banging someone right now. 😂


Probably far too devastated to even think of it.


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## Diana7

Luckylucky said:


> Back to business, how did your session go?
> 
> Could you elaborate why your wife wanting to leave you is making you suicidal?
> 
> I’m of the impression you don’t want her anyway? Could you help us by giving us an insight into why you didn’t leave her a long time ago? It seems that by repeatedly cheating, you desperately wanted out.
> 
> Why didn’t you divorce her years ago?
> 
> She’s leaving now, isn’t that what you’ve wanted? Why do you want her now?
> 
> Genuine questions designed to help us help you. If you want help. Or you can just vent if you don’t want help too, that’s cathartic.


I think he does want her, as well as the other women.


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## Luckylucky

Diana7 said:


> I think he does want her, as well as the other women.


A Sheik in sheep’s clothing.

Except when it’s a sheep, none of the women want him 😏

OP, let that sink in.


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## Purplepaisley

She’s leaving now, isn’t that what you’ve wanted? Why do you want her now?

Because he's unemployed.


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## MEA

Tdubw said:


> Yes I have two wonderful children, 19 and 27 . I’m ashamed and embarrassed. They are good kids, we’ve always had great relationships and now I have broken their trust too.


You need intensive counseling. You obviously have self-destructive patterns, and destroy the things and people that mean the most to you because you don’t feel worthy.
Leave your wife alone - she has an enormous amount of emotional burden and pain to deal with right now. Asking her to deal with yours too is utterly selfish - especially after what you’ve done to her.
You may think that other people enjoy the drama and turmoil as much as you do, but believe it or not, some people love their lives to be predictable and calm, and resent drama.

Please leave your wife alone. Don’t call her. Don’t drive by her home. Don’t text her. Don’t stalk her social media. If you have not yet apologized, send her a letter - just one. But ONLY apologize and tell her she deserves better than what you’ve done. DO NOT write anything about your own feelings or try to justify what you did or why you did it. Simply apologize and let her know she deserves better.
Then, get yourself to a counselor at least once a week (for you, I would recommend twice). Work through your issues of self-destruction and utter selfishness. Find out why you see women as objects to be used to satisfy your own needs. Find out why you become so selfish when your life isn’t going the way you want. Find out why your own temporary sexual pleasure is more important than long term happiness. Find out why you still feel like you should even be allowed near your wife anymore after what you’ve done.
I would suspect that you are not even aware of (as most people aren’t) the dysfunction that has been ingrained in you from childhood in one form or another.
Prior to my current happy decade of marriage, I believed the subconscious societal message that “boys will be boys” and women are responsible for the happiness of other people. It took years of counseling for me to recognize my worth and value as a human being and to escape the idea that men should be able to get away with bad behavior while women have to do everything and be everything to everyone around them. I suspect that you subconsciously expect women to make you happy, and when you can’t get enough happiness from your home life, you feel entitled to it from women in general.
Keep in mind that any woman who is willing to be a homewrecker is not at all interested in your happiness.
Being truly happy often means doing hard work that most people aren’t willing to do, and saying “no” to ultimately destructive temptations that may seem like fun in the moment. For instance, I’m not necessarily happy at work, but I’m ultimately happy that I create an income which helps my husband and I chase our dreams together.
With great sacrifice comes great reward… and it sounds like you’re more into temporary pleasure.


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