# Dealing with Husband-Anger Issues



## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

I could use some objective opinions. I will try to be fair, and not place all the blame on my husband. 
We have been married for 18 years. We are both 41. Our kids are in High School. I have a terrific job, great money. He owns his own business, makes way more money than me from April - October. ( seasonal) On the outside we have the perfect life. and I do mean perfect. 
But... my husband has a temper like no one I have ever know. Yelling, cussing, name calling, horrible things. He has never laid a hand on any of us.When something sets him off, it is almost unbearable.He does this to me and the boys. 
I never know what might start the "rage" This has been going on for almost our entire marriage. His "go to " thing is "if you don't like it leave" "things are going to be done my way" if you don't like it I'll pack my stuff and go. 
I do absolutely everything. Household, cook,clean.Shopping, shuffling kids and stuff. He does attend events but is supportive in a "critical " you could have done better kinda way.
I always end of initiating the "make-up" usually by apologizing for whatever it was. 
He does have a wonderful side. Fun, giving, is a super hard worker, not a lazy bone in his body. 
So yesterday he had a major meltdown over bananas and oranges. Broke a gallon of milk in the floor, throwing things on and on. He said things that I can forgive eventually I hope, but I dont know if I can forget.I actually talked to a close friend about it, and she said it is obvious to everyone, but no one wanted to say anything. I could give lots more details, but how can I love someone who treats me wonderful, and then horrible. 
My head says tell him to leave, my heart is breaking more each time it happens. 
Advice? Opinions? Help please.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TooTired said:


> This has been going on for almost our entire marriage.


We train people how to treat us. You've allowed this awful, horrible behavior to continue therefore you've essentially said you're okay with it. 

You are being abused and you need to treat it as such. 

I'm so sorry and I feel even sorrier for your kids. What a horrible way to grow up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can tell him that he either does something about his temper or he can pack up and leave. Or you and the kids leave. You're being emotionally and verbally abused. Go to a shelter.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

TooTired said:


> But... my husband has a temper like no one I have ever know. Yelling, cussing, name calling, horrible things. He has never laid a hand on any of us.When something sets him off, it is almost unbearable.He does this to me and the boys.
> I never know what might start the "rage" This has been going on for almost our entire marriage. His "go to " thing is "if you don't like it leave" "things are going to be done my way" if you don't like it I'll pack my stuff and go.


No matter how good a person you are, over time this will erode the bond of your marriage and you will wake up one day hating this guy or worse. It is your responsibility to bring your husband's raging to his attention and let him know in a firm and loving manner that it is not OK and he needs to stop it. Offer to help him in whatever way you can and insist that he recognize his raging as a problem and the two of you come up with a plan for him to get past it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

TooTired said:


> I could use some objective opinions. I will try to be fair, and not place all the blame on my husband.
> We have been married for 18 years. We are both 41. Our kids are in High School. I have a terrific job, great money. He owns his own business, makes way more money than me from April - October. ( seasonal) On the outside we have the perfect life. and I do mean perfect.
> But... my husband has a temper like no one I have ever know. Yelling, cussing, name calling, horrible things. He has never laid a hand on any of us.When something sets him off, it is almost unbearable.He does this to me and the boys.
> I never know what might start the "rage" This has been going on for almost our entire marriage. His "go to " thing is "if you don't like it leave" "things are going to be done my way" if you don't like it I'll pack my stuff and go.
> ...


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Your husband's rages sound similar to the ones my husband has. He really needs to get some anger management counseling. However, because it has gone on so long, and everyone has walked on eggshells around him, it is going to be a shock to him when you stand up to him and tell him so. You said that a friend had said that his rages were known by others - would any of your friends' husbands be prepared to talk to him about his temper? I know you said he never hit you, but what do you think his response will be when you do stand up to him, tell him it's not right, and ask him to take steps? Could you have others with you when you do that? 

How old are your children, btw?

I don't know whether a shelter is the right place for you to go right now. You could certainly call one and explain, and get advice. That might be a really good step forward for you right now - talk to the professionals! If you do feel physically threatened, or it is getting really out of control, then yes, get the kids and go. I just think that you need to try stating the problem to him first, and doing it sooner, rather than later. Don't wait for his next explosion to talk to him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In a woman, we'd be considering Borderline Personality Disorder for this kind of behavior. 

Please take a look at the descriptions on Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships and see if it rings any bells for you.

I'm seeing his threats telling you to leave, over-reactions, that he's always been this way, and the "wonderful side" as possible indications, but BPD is rarely recognized in men, particularly if they're not self-destructing entirely.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"I will try to be fair, and not place all the blame on my husband."
Why?
Your husband's anger and rage are his to own. You don't cause this behavior. While you have tolerated it, you didn't force him to act this way.
My STBXH was verbally abusive towards the end of our 27 year marriage, brought on primarily by recurrent major depression. Even the MC said his diagosis explains his behavior, but does not excuse it. H wouldn't go back after that, and hearing it from a third party really helped me. It is exhausting to walk around on egg-shells all the time, trying desperately not to set off the rage. And you always do. No matter what didn't get him upset before, it might set him off today.
Has his anger/rage increased in frequency, duration, decibels? If so, you don't know how he will react in the future. You have to be strong and mark your line in the sand. Tell him you have had enough and he gets help. But you have to be willing to put your money where your mouth is. Perhaps telling him he has his choice of appointments, therapist or attorney.
I am really sorry you are dealing with this.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

My wife showed some anger management issues in the past. I have always stood my ground and told her that this is not acceptable. Once it really got bad for about a year. I finally told her I had enough, either she deal with it, get help for it, or I was gone. She got better.

Stand up for yourself and your family, dont be a door mat. He needs to know and understand that this is not acceptable behavior.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Consequences.

My advice: Make a list of the things you truly can't tolerate anymore. Such as: yelling, breaking things, or whatever seems way over the line during small arguments. Be specific but try to keep the list to a minimum.

Then figure out what consequence is likely to get his attention. You must be able to follow through on it. For example, the next time he throws something during an argument, you're leaving the house for x number of days. Or he's sleeping elsewhere for x number of days. This will give you both time apart to cool down as well.

Next time he starts acting over the top, immediately walk away and follow through. He will probably rant and fume like crazy. Stay calm and try not to take it personally. Don't engage him but don't back down. You'll probably have to go through this a few times before he realizes you mean it.

Short of separating for some time, I think this is the only way you'll get him to think hard about how he's behaving.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

He needs some retraining. He doesn't know how to keep a lid on the pot once frustration starts to boil over. 

I'm not in the "run to a shelter" crowd on this one. He's had ample opportunity to actually harm you and your children - I suspect that physical abuse isn't in his nature - of course, you'll want to let your gut make that decision.

But you will have to quit apologizing for his behavior and make it clear that this is harming the relationship and might ultimately be a deal breaker. You may even have to ramp up the consequences, like leaving for a friend's house for a couple of days to let the magnitude of it to sink in. Understanding that change won't happen overnight, but combined with continued firm pressure and patience, maybe you'll succeed. 

Ask one or more of your mutual friends if they'd be willing to assist with an "intervention" that makes it clear this isn't simply a difference of opinion between husband and wife. Who knows - if this is what was modeled as a marriage to him growing up, it may be the only way he knows to behave when angry.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

Update:
This was one of the worst of my husbands " rages" in years. When I got home from work last night he was sitting in the house..no tv, nothing totally quiet. Our boys are teenagers and were still at practice. We had a very calm very very serious discussion about his anger. He did not get mad or yell. I told him the last thing I want is to separate, but that I can not let him treat me like a doormat any longer. I did not give ultimatums or anything. Just said that I want to be happy with him, but that I can live without him. I have never EVER seen him like this. He said he knows it has nothing to do with me or "oranges and bananas" in this case. He said he does not even understand why he gets so angry. I was honestly stunned. He is not the talk about his feelings kinda guy. I want to be hopeful, I want it to work, but... I'm not sure that just all of a sudden he can control his anger. Why now after 18 years? I just know that I truely have reached a point in my life where I cannot go on like this. 
I believe he has an anger problem, we live in a tiny town nowhere near a city. Could anyone recommend something to read or website for some ideas or something on how I can deal with this or maybe how he can? 
Thanks to everyone for your replies. It is so helpful to not feel alone and isolated.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I would also be suspicious that, after all these years, he can now put a lid on his temper. If so, why didn't he do it before? Maybe the fear of losing you will be enough to keep him tamed, but please make sure that if he does lose it again you keep your word, and you take the kids, and you go as soon as he blows, and do not come back for a day or two. If you don't do that, he won't believe that you ever will.

So here is a link from the APA website:

Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

There are online classes, but I can't vouch for their usefulness:

Anger Coach Online - Online Anger Management Classes

And there are all kinds of books:

Amazon.com: Anger Management: Books


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

You can keep saying to yourself "I don't know how much longer I can take this" forever. Unless you consistently back up your words with actions, he'll keep doing it.

I've been on both sides. In one case the relationship ended; in the other the actions I mentioned in the last post were very helpful. 

The reason most people act like him is because it's the path of least resistance. It's easy because it's instinctive and requires no thought or effort. And most importantly, it's effective. It's like a kid throwing a tantrum. He knows it gets to you and he'll escalate it until you back down. 

On your side, you probably feel like you can't talk to him about anything out of fear of his temper. You can't work with him on anything because any little disagreement might infuriate him. You may even dread going anywhere as a family because you don't know when he'll blow up. Not to mention, it's scary if he gets up in your face or your things start flying across the room. 

Back up your words with action. Be consistent and calm. If you feel like he'll get physical toward you or your kids, leave, period. But I agree from what you've said it doesn't sound like it will get to that point with him. Good luck.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

TooTired said:


> Update:
> This was one of the worst of my husbands " rages" in years. When I got home from work last night he was sitting in the house..no tv, nothing totally quiet. Our boys are teenagers and were still at practice. We had a very calm very very serious discussion about his anger. He did not get mad or yell. I told him the last thing I want is to separate, but that I can not let him treat me like a doormat any longer. I did not give ultimatums or anything. Just said that I want to be happy with him, but that I can live without him. I have never EVER seen him like this. He said he knows it has nothing to do with me or "oranges and bananas" in this case. He said he does not even understand why he gets so angry. I was honestly stunned. He is not the talk about his feelings kinda guy. I want to be hopeful, I want it to work, but... I'm not sure that just all of a sudden he can control his anger. Why now after 18 years? I just know that I truely have reached a point in my life where I cannot go on like this.
> I believe he has an anger problem, we live in a tiny town nowhere near a city. Could anyone recommend something to read or website for some ideas or something on how I can deal with this or maybe how he can?
> Thanks to everyone for your replies. It is so helpful to not feel alone and isolated.


See if you like either of these sites:

Get Your ANGRIES Out

http://www.maritalhealing.com/angryspousewebinar.php


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TooTired said:


> Could anyone recommend something to read or website?


Kathy Batesel already suggested an excellent article describing the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Her post (#7 above) gives a link pointing to that article. Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you (even hating you), temper tantrums that are triggered in seconds, and verbal abuse are classic traits of BPD. An important issue, then, is whether you will find most of the nine BPD traits very familiar when you read about them.

Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can determine whether his traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, even when the traits fall well below that diagnostic level, they can make your life miserable and undermine a marriage. 

Moreover, there is a world of difference between making a diagnosis and spotting the red flags for BPD traits. Spotting the warning signs (i.e., strong occurrences of the traits) is not difficult when you take time to read about them. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and low self esteem.


Pluto2 said:


> It is exhausting to walk around on egg-shells all the time.


Pluto, that's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.


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## Eagles_Fly (Jan 20, 2013)

I would tell him that if he ever blows up like that again you want him to leave. For good. But brace yourself, it's probably just a matter of time and you're already walking on eggshells. 
My husband's verbal abuse destroyed our marriage. He says he's sorry. Big deal. The horse is dead. 
I told my kids that their Dad and I were separating and they said "Thank, God! What took you so long." They resent growing up with the screaming and fear. 
I don't have any hope that verbal abusers such as your husband or mine can truly change for good.


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## lori92760 (Feb 5, 2013)

i could have written what too tired wrote. i was looking online today for some answers and came across this site. 

last evening we were driving on the interstate, rush hour, it had just snowed and someone was tailgating us. we had been having a decent day, i said "oh change lanes, let him go by" my husband opens the window (its 4 degrees) and starts giving the guy the finger. then changes lanes and lets him go by. whips back in behind him and starts tailgating him, flashing his brights. this is all taking place at 75 mph. i kept asking him to stop. finally i said, at the next exit lets get off and let me out at a gas station, if you want to drive like this ok, but not with me in the car. now i dont dare ever raise my voice, even when i want to scream. he whips across 3 lanes of traffic onto the shoulder of the road and leans across me and opens my door and tells me to get out. i didnt and i tried to explain that we live in a conceal and carry state, there are to many crazies out there, its just not worth it, just let them go by but he starts yelling that he wasnt doing anything wrong, the other guy started it. calmness is lost on him. this is just the last incident in a million. i have patched holes in the walls, cleaned up messes when he throws things around, he tore the screen door off a brand new $1000 patio door and beat it over the deck and its been laying in the yard for 6 months because i thought if i didnt do it he would be forced to buy the new door and put it on. and the really stupid thing is: i cannot even recall why he did it. these blow ups are never over a big thing. every vacation we've ever taken he got mad at me early on and didnt speak to me the rest of the trip. even our honeymoon. 

i have some major health issues and even though i work part time, i cannot afford to leave him and my health doesnt allow me to work fulltime and i need insurance. my life has become a nightmare. a couple of weeks ago i asked if i could park in the garage because he was working from home the next day and i had to go to work and didnt want to have to clean my car off and he refused. i thought he was joking because i couldnt imagine even him being so thoughtless. another huge blow up with him screaming that he pays the bills, its his garage, etc. i tried to explain that its just the courteous thing, he didnt even have to leave the next day. i feel like an animal with its leg in a trap. i couldnt even tell you if i love him anymore. i want to, but the anxiety of living like this is very literally killing me. he has had his screaming fits in front of my family and friends and in restaurants and shopping centers, you name it. he has never once apologized to me. never admitted that maybe he was wrong. i've tried explaining that everyone gets angry, we are entitle to be angry if thats how we feel, but its how we handle that anger. i have worked with women thru our church, i know all the right things to say to him and to them. and i hate myself because i cannot follow my own advice. these poor women had no where to go and no means and i'm telling them to leave. i was so naive. 

i think many times depression in men presents as anger. are there antidepressants that work to settle the agitation that causes the anger? i am due to make his yearly physical appt and i'd like to talk to his doctor about it. last year i made an appt ahead of his and told the doctor some of what is going on and asked for his help. i know the hippa laws prevent him from telling me anything, but if he talked to my husband about my husband never said. just writing this i know makes me sound stupid.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lori92760 said:


> i think many times depression in men presents as anger.


Lori, the anger and temper tantrums you describe go far beyond the behaviors associated with depression, IMO. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read Kathy's overview of typical BPDer behaviors (at the link in jpost #7 above). I agree with you that the traits you describe -- the temper tantrums, emotional instability, verbal abuse, and lack of impulse control -- are some of the classic BPD traits. 

Keep in mind, however, that BPDers are capable of loving their spouses and typically flip back and forth between loving them and devaluing them. I mention this because you say nothing about your H showing that he actually loves you -- or did so in the past.
If you don't believe he ever truly loved you, you may also be describing some traits of Narcissistic PD. I therefore suggest you read Kathy's overview of narcissism to see if any of those traits also seem relevant. Her article about NPD is located at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It.


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## Eagles_Fly (Jan 20, 2013)

lori, Can you get Social Security disability and leave?


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## lori92760 (Feb 5, 2013)

i read both links neither seem particularly right. 

i believe he did love me at one point. but if i said i was leaving he would never fight for our marriage. he came from an immigrant home, very violent. whoever yelled the loudest and hit the hardest won. he has a very good job, no contact with his family. they wrote him off when he married me. i was married before for 25 years and have two kids, 22 and 26. one is just finishing grad school and the younger is studing to be a nurse. the one will be and ordained minister the other is putting himself thru nurses college by being a paid worship leader. these are good kids. and he would tell you differently. i have worked my butt off so they could get their degrees and yes i help them out, but there is an end in sight. he was pretty much on his own from the time he was 12. so we have many disagreements over that. i came from a family that didnt have much but we loved and i was never ever spanked and we helped each other if we could. my husband has said that my dad was the first real example of what a father and husband should look like. but my dad would roll over in his grave if he saw how my husband behaves. we at least used to have a great sex life and that is pretty much gone. at first he said i didnt initiate it enough. so i tried to and then he said i was putting too much pressure on him. so i waited for him to make the first move. then he said i could make the first move, but i am afraid to. frankly i dont even care anymore. one other time our sex life suffered and he was having an online romance and he said he felt guilty. so i wonder if there isnt someone else. well i am pretty sure there was last year. he was traveling alot and then last summer i ended up with an std. the dr said it could have been in my body dormant for years.... i asked him. told him i would not be mad, these things happen and he turned the tables and accused me. but then very quickly dropped it and never mentioned it again. 

my life is a jerry springer show. its horrifing. we are very active in our church, both hold positions, my god if anyone knew. i am sure they would think i was lying. 

my pastor daughter just spent a semester working with domestic abuse women and she said "mom, you know this is abuse, right?" my sister has witnessed it. 

ok well he is home.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lori92760 said:


> i read both links neither seem particularly right.


Lori, do you see most of the following traits occurring? If so, it would be helpful if you would tell us which traits are the strongest:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## norma5 (Feb 6, 2013)

TooTired said:


> I could use some objective opinions. I will try to be fair, and not place all the blame on my husband.
> We have been married for 18 years. We are both 41. Our kids are in High School. I have a terrific job, great money. He owns his own business, makes way more money than me from April - October. ( seasonal) On the outside we have the perfect life. and I do mean perfect.
> But... my husband has a temper like no one I have ever know. Yelling, cussing, name calling, horrible things. He has never laid a hand on any of us.When something sets him off, it is almost unbearable.He does this to me and the boys.
> I never know what might start the "rage" This has been going on for almost our entire marriage. His "go to " thing is "if you don't like it leave" "things are going to be done my way" if you don't like it I'll pack my stuff and go.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Too tired,

Step 1: a short letter. Goes something like this: 

I love you, and want our marriage to work. For that to happen you need to get your temper under control. If you can't, we can come to an amicable agreement on custody and accept that we aren't compatible. 

I am glad to go to MC with you. That said, going forward, if you engage in any name calling, cursing or loud angry talking the interaction will immediately end as i will walk away. If you follow me, I will immediately leave the house. 

I am not perfect. And I am glad to work on me as part of MC. However, this single issue needs to be resolved quickly or nothing else matters. 

Step 2: if he acknowledges and agrees to mc, you ought to immediately schedule an appointment with a MC. And yes, you should take that step. 

Step 3: ask him if there are patterns of behavior on your part that ARE making him angry. This doesn't make his behavior remotely ok. It is not. However your marriage will end if you are causing him a lot of patterned distress and you don't meet him in the middle by working on your part. 









TooTired said:


> I could use some objective opinions. I will try to be fair, and not place all the blame on my husband.
> We have been married for 18 years. We are both 41. Our kids are in High School. I have a terrific job, great money. He owns his own business, makes way more money than me from April - October. ( seasonal) On the outside we have the perfect life. and I do mean perfect.
> But... my husband has a temper like no one I have ever know. Yelling, cussing, name calling, horrible things. He has never laid a hand on any of us.When something sets him off, it is almost unbearable.He does this to me and the boys.
> I never know what might start the "rage" This has been going on for almost our entire marriage. His "go to " thing is "if you don't like it leave" "things are going to be done my way" if you don't like it I'll pack my stuff and go.
> ...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> You can tell him that he either does something about his temper or he can pack up and leave. Or you and the kids leave.


A post of mine yesterday. Straight cut and paste. 



MrK said:


> Telling him didn't do squat. In the long term anyhow. He'll do it again. You'll tell him again. He'll do it again. You'll...
> 
> You get the picture. No concrete consequences, no change. Trust me. I know.
> 
> ...


My temper was almost as bad as your husbands. I knew it, as does he. My consequences were that after trying for months to fix what I thought was a rut in my marriage, I dragged it out of her that she had fallen out of love with me years prior. I also knew I'd never get her back. My world crashed. My DNA changed on the spot. Do something again that destroyed my world? My marriage? Not a chance. But it was too late. She was gone. Thank god my kids are still with me. 

He won't change without a shock to his system. So you pack a bag and leave and he doesn't care? His loss. You're 41? Kids almost out of high school? The world is your oyster/ Live it.

Good luck to you.


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## lori92760 (Feb 5, 2013)

my husband views on things in general are becoming more black and white and way more to the right. he has never mirrored anything about me, in fact i think he purposely tries to form an opinion about anything that is polar opposite of mine just for the sake of arguement. 

when he gets angry its generally for day. silent treatment, ignoring when i speak, etc. i would say he spends at least 4 days a week like that. last night he came home from work and was normal, probably more romantic than most men. i find it hard to accept or reciprocate at this point. and then i feel guilty for tattling on him. and i know this is messed up. 

he does not appreciate anything that is done for him. his reasoning is he doesnt have to because he could do it himself. his commute is 2.5 hrs each way. for years i got up early, fixed his coffee, fixed his breakfast, fixed his lunch, warmed up his car and one day i just stopped. now he leaves without coffee, breakfast, lunch and gets into a cold car. if he minds, who knows. he works from home 3 days a week now and its not exactly been a blessing. 

he does not play the victim, absolutely not jealous (i dont think he cares), his self esteem seems normal if not high. all of his previous girlfriends with the exception of one were long distance. he moved so his very close friends live a 1000 miles a way. my husband is so quiet, even in social settings the few close friends that i've told a bit too, just cannot believe he would ever raise his voice. 

my doctor wanted me to try for disability when i was at my worst and it was only about $800 a month, not nearly enough to live on by myself. my husband was against it. all of his friends and he himself are college educated, great jobs, etc. i manage a small office, but in my heart i am an artist. i know he resents this. right now my health is pretty stable, i have some lingering issues, but they are workable, praise god. years ago i would have love to stayed at home, but now with him at home 3 days a week, i am glad i get out even if the job is not great by any means.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd pay close attention to what MrK said. I can't prove that everyone "knows" they're being out of line, but I think a high percentage of them do.


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## lori92760 (Feb 5, 2013)

yes, if money were no object, i would leave. but part of the facts of this world is money. in a good month i make about $800. if i am sick or otherwise not at work i dont get paid. i spent the day in the e.r. the beginning of january and that was about $3000. i see three specialist about 90 minutes from here, they are not cheap. so the ugly truth is money is a factor here. i still have one kid at home yet finishing up college. i am trying to make this workable. 

is this a choice he makes? can he change that behavior? is this out of his control? is there a med for this? will he take it? i need a therapist just for me. whether or not he goes.


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## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

It all comes down to this. Is this how you want your boys to treat a woman? Then you need get them out of this situation. And secondly, mental abuse in many cases is far worse than a beating. A beating leaves visible marks where as the mental scars are there forever the bruises in time heal. And physical abuse is not outside the realm of consideration. He could throw something heavy at you or one of the kids.
It hurt me a great deal to hear friends and family tell me they knew I was being severely mental abused for 30+ years before I left but they were afraid to suggest I leave. It is part of the psychological round and round. I call it life in a blender. He makes you feel worthless and you must be or else someone would tell you differently. If he truly is a wonderful guy he will do anything to keep you including go for help. Mine refused so I took the kids and left.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

It looks like there is a lot of good advice here, with everything we do money is an issue, but if you did file for disability you would also be eligible for other types of assistance and could work part-time, some types of disability allow for that. The way I see it, life is too short to be going through all you are going through! My sister-in-laws husband just died last week of a massive heart attack at age 43, just like that he was gone. If you are staying until your kid gets through college and are set on that, start coming up with your plans to leave, putting back money, looking for affordable housing and the like. In my opinion this marriage is not reparable, because even with therapy you will still never trust that he is not going to "go off" at any moment and sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge so to speak! Good Luck to you!


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## lori92760 (Feb 5, 2013)

my kids are from my first marriage. that was a very quiet marriage, very respectful, he just didnt love me and i thought i wanted passion. big mistake. 

i think its a no win situation. i work with women at a food pantry i run. i wonder how many of them are happy with their decision to leave. waiting in line once a week, in all kinds of weather to get a crappy box of food that someone else picked out for them. never being able to see a doctor or a dentist. having to decide between a roll of toilet paper or a roll of paper towel. toothpaste is worth more than gold. pantries dont offer toiletries very often. not one of these women seem happy. 90% of my pantry guest are women between 30 and 50, most of whom have made tought choices where it is difficult to tell which choice would have been worse. in my whole life i never imagined that i would end up like that and the choices i have seem like its this or like that.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Oh honey, your situation sounds just like mine...my husband has been to anger management, and all that did was make him more efficient at shifting his anger to me. You, like me, try to make up with him by apologizing for whatever it is that has angered him, whether it's your fault or not. The reason I did it was because I figured it would diffuse the situation, and we could get to a talking level...but all it does for me is give him the fuel to keep going off on me for whatever it is that I've "done wrong". Sure, he's a super hard worker, he's fun, all of that...but his dark side outshadows his light side..just like mine...good luck.


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