# someone help me!!!!



## drewk (Feb 18, 2013)

My name is drew. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 18 wonderful years....until recently. Last Thanksgiving I met a guy at my local Y, and to make a long story short, we began a friendship that became a sweet love affair and culminated in steamy sex----just once. I used my husbands trust to gain the time to spend with the other guy. After the holidays my family started to get wise to my little tryst, and by mid January we were found out. My husband is very smart and sometimes so understanding. In between his anger and sadness he had moments of clarity. He made me go tell the other guys wife what happened, he made me tell him more details of the affair than I wanted to, and he has sought help in understanding what occurred. I have told him I want only to be with him, and will never seek out such silliness again. I have told him I am sorry, but no matter what I say or do he cannot fully get over my infidelity. It has only been 5 weeks but he cannot control his emotions. Sometimes he is so quiet and depressed, sometimes he questions me over and over, and sometimes he yells and screams at me and I think he will have a stroke. I am not so smart to understand what he needs. Please, if you know how I can help him heal from the absolute torture he is going through write to me and tell me what I can do to help him. We have confessed our love many times since my immoral behavior, and our sex life is better than ever, but he is an emotional wreck, and all I want to do is help him. Please, someone tell me what to do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

drewk said:


> My name is drew. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 18 wonderful years....until recently. Last Thanksgiving I met a guy at my local Y, and to make a long story short, we began a friendship that became a sweet love affair and culminated in steamy sex----just once. I used my husbands trust to gain the time to spend with the other guy. After the holidays my family started to get wise to my little tryst, and by mid January we were found out. My husband is very smart and sometimes so understanding. In between his anger and sadness he had moments of clarity. He made me go tell the other guys wife what happened, he made me tell him more details of the affair than I wanted to, and he has sought help in understanding what occurred. I have told him I want only to be with him, and will never seek out such silliness again. I have told him I am sorry, but no matter what I say or do he cannot fully get over my infidelity. It has only been 5 weeks but he cannot control his emotions. Sometimes he is so quiet and depressed, sometimes he questions me over and over, and sometimes he yells and screams at me and I think he will have a stroke. I am not so smart to understand what he needs. Please, if you know how I can help him heal from the absolute torture he is going through write to me and tell me what I can do to help him. We have confessed our love many times since my immoral behavior, and our sex life is better than ever, but he is an emotional wreck, and all I want to do is help him. Please, someone tell me what to do.


Your sex life is better than ever because the two of you are trying to reclaim what was/might be lost.

It's called hysterical bonding and is very common.
It'll wear off.

The only thing you can do is be entirely truthful whenever he asks you anything.

Go out of your way to make all your actions and communications completely transparent to him.

He will never get over your infidelity and in the back of his mind for the rest of your lives he'll doubt your faithfulness.

But you can get past it and build a good relationship.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

drewk said:


> became a sweet love affair and culminated in steamy sex----just once.
> 
> 
> will never seek out such silliness again.


Hope you don't talk using these terms with your betrayed husband.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Keep reassuring him. Stay away from the Y. Don't go ANYWHERE without him. Offer to take a polygraph to assure him you love him and will not contact the OM. Write him a letter of apology and express your remorse.

Let your close relatives and his know you have jeopardized your marriage through no fault of your husband and ask them to support your husband.

Let him vent (but don't accept physical abuse). Do you have children? Do you work? Are your finances good?


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

When my x-wife finally confessed her infidelities, what I wanted the most was a sincere show of remorse, and for her to hold me and prove to me she still wanted me sexually. I just needed to feel wanted. But I am simple. 

You husband is forever changed due to your "harmless" tryst. He is now a "cuckold" and always will be. He lost the respect of his wife, and he has knowledge that he was not enough for her, she needed someone else, she let another man "take her", she lied to him, she gave away the most intimate parts of herself to another man. He will never trust you again. 

How do you heal all that emotional turmoil roiling within your husband? You are asking the hardest question, I wish I could answer.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

drewk said:


> we began a friendship that became *a sweet love affair* and culminated in *steamy sex*----just once.


Call me crazy, but by the way you describe your "mistake", you don't sound at all remorseful to me. You betrayed your husbands trust .. he may never recover.

Others might be able to give you some better advice. Good luck, you're gonna need it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Drew, Post "Ever-Man's" message on your mirror and read it EVERYTIME you see it!

This might give you an insight as to the damage you did to your husband and your marriage. Just my 2 cents David


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

drewk said:


> but no matter what I say or do he cannot fully get over my infidelity. It has only been 5 weeks but he cannot control his emotions. .


I think your expectations of his emotional state at 5 weeks is unrealistic. If you read this forum, and do some SERIOUS research on infidelity, you'll quickly see that it takes anywhere from 2-5 *YEARS* to 'get over' this. It seems that you would rather he simply sweep it under the rug, and not bring it up anymore so YOU can feel better.

Trust isn't an _option_ in healthy relationships; it's a _necessity_. A _requirement_. Just like people need 'basics' to survive, such as food and air, there are basics that relationships need to survive. Trust is a 'basic'. Without it, there IS *NO* RELATIONSHIP. After all, how can a non-cheater "relate" to a cheater?

You may have some remorse about what you did, but quite frankly, it doesn't seem to be enough. 

Do yourself and your husband two favors: Read this forum, and absorb how DEVASTATED the BS is when they learn they are the 'victim' of an affair, AND...

Put yourself in your HUSBAND'S shoes. What would you do and how would you react if your husband did this to you? Do you think it would take you ONLY 5 weeks to "get over it"?

Vega


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

drewk said:


> My name is drew. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 18 wonderful years....until recently. Last Thanksgiving I met a guy at my local Y, and to make a long story short, we began a friendship that became a sweet love affair and culminated in steamy sex----just once. I used my husbands trust to gain the time to spend with the other guy. After the holidays my family started to get wise to my little tryst, and by mid January we were found out. My husband is very smart and sometimes so understanding. In between his anger and sadness he had moments of clarity. He made me go tell the other guys wife what happened, he made me tell him more details of the affair than I wanted to, and he has sought help in understanding what occurred. I have told him I want only to be with him, and will never seek out such silliness again. I have told him I am sorry, but no matter what I say or do he cannot fully get over my infidelity. It has only been 5 weeks but he cannot control his emotions. Sometimes he is so quiet and depressed, sometimes he questions me over and over, and sometimes he yells and screams at me and I think he will have a stroke. I am not so smart to understand what he needs. Please, if you know how I can help him heal from the absolute torture he is going through write to me and tell me what I can do to help him. We have confessed our love many times since my immoral behavior, and our sex life is better than ever, but he is an emotional wreck, and all I want to do is help him. Please, someone tell me what to do.


Perhaps you are minimising what you did in order to lessen the impact when typing, but phrases like "sweet lover affair" and "little tryst" sound like those either a troll or a completely non repentant person would use.

You husband has been traumatised by what you did. It is probably taking everything he has to control himself to the extent that he does.

You should be far more sympathetic to this.

In my opinion, you need someone to tell you that you are acting like an entitled princess about this - just as you were when you had your "little tryst".

If you can accept the pain you have caused - and are causing then you might be able to begin the start of beginning to help your spouse heal.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Perhaps you are minimising what you did in order to lessen the impact when typing, but phrases like "sweet lover affair" and "little tryst" sound like those either a troll or a completely non repentant person would use.
> 
> You husband has been traumatised by what you did. It is probably taking everything he has to control himself to the extent that he does.
> 
> ...


:iagree: If I was your husband and read the way you described the 'incredible steamy, sweet, etc,' way you viewed your actions - your bags would be packed. 

Keep working on your marriage but lose the starry-eyed, wistful way of "two ships crossing in the night" attitude you seem to have.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

I agree with everyone here, the wording of your "concerns" show a lack of concern, your "sweet little affair" was not sweet, it was "devastating", and the "steamy sex---just once" seems both a fond reflection and a lie. 

If your husband senses within you these emotions, perhaps that is why he cannot heal---you have no regrets and think what you did was "no big deal". 

Certainly not for you, but for your husband his world is turned inside-out. 

But, in the spirit of helping you out, at least "pretend" to feel remorse. Look into your heart and decide if you really love your husband and want to be with him. Good luck.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

drewk said:


> Last Thanksgiving I met a guy at my local Y, and to make a long story short, we began a friendship that became a *sweet love affair *and culminated in *steamy sex*.


First of all, it sounds like a fairy tale. Why give up Prince Charming? Do you tell your husband what a sweet love affair it was, and how steamy the sex was?

Why don't you tell us the truth about your affair and how it ended? Was the guy married? Did he have kids, do you have kids? 

Every single cheater lies when they get caught. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The lying usually is more damaging to the betrayed spouse than the affair itself. Did you lie to your husband when you were caught? How did you get caught? How long did it take you before you finally told him the entire truth (you still haven't told him the entire truth, correct?) Did you pledge your everlasting love to the other man? Tell him you were soul mates? Did your husband read the texts/messages you sent each other telling each other how much you wanted each other sexually or how much you loved each other? When you got caught, did you call other man right away? Leave your husband to go to him?

Cheaters all follow a basic script. Look at the threads on this forum and see for yourself.

A lot of cheaters have posted here and, it turns out later, that their stories were false. If you want help with repairing this with your husband, you will get better advice if you tell us the real situation, not omitting all the embarrassing details about how often you had sex with other man or how much you lied when you were caught.

If you want to re-connect with your husband, go to him and make a plan of attack to expose your affair partner to his wife. Handwrite a no contact letter to your affair partner. It includes no terms of endearment, no niceties or pleasantries of any kind, no "I always will think of you fondly" or "if only things were different." It begins simply with other man's name, it ends with "Signed," and your name. It states that you must have been crazy to have an affair with him because you now realize he is not half the man your husband is, he does not come close to measuring up to your husband in any way, that he should never contact you again, and that if he does try to contact you again, you will file harassment charges against him. Then give the letter to your husband and tell him to send it via certified mail to the other man because you never want to talk to other man again.

Whatever methods you used to communicate with him, give up. If you talked with him on your cell phone, hand it over to your husband and tell him to give it back to you when he is ready. If you communicated him on Facebook, delete your account. If by email, delete your account. Tell your friends they can use your husband's email account to communicate with you. If you did not use these methods, block other man on Facebook and on your email and cell phone.

The idea here is to prove to your husband that you are truly remorseful and have NO ATTACHMENT whatsover to other man, it is ONLY YOUR HUSBAND that you care about, and giving up your cell phone or Facebook or email is well worth it in order to help your husband regain his trust in you.

These actions mean a lot more when you OFFER to do them, as opposed to having your husband have to argue with you to convince you to do them.

If you look at the successful reconciliation stories here, I think all of the cheaters proactively tried to help their spouses get over the affair by building them up and tearing down the affair partner.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

drewk said:


> I used my husbands trust to gain the time to spend with the other guy.
> 
> ...and by mid January we were found out.


as usual, all the remorse is after being caught.

You abused your husbands trust, and you would still be abusing your husbands trust had you not been caught.

I really dont know what to suggest other than grovel, thank him, love him, hold him, reasure him, grovel some more - on a daily basis. If you were my wife you would be gone!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Affair was sweet and had steamy sex

Affair was found out, you did not have any remorse at all to tell your husband and only felt remorse (for yourself) after getting caught.

BTW, of course you won't do it again. You've had your fun with another man and your husband is stuck with just you because he's faithful.

Who is the winner and who is the loser if he takes you back?

I won the jackpot when my wife took me back and she got caught holding a bag of crap IMO. Now, if he gives you another chance, hopefully you'll learn to turn that bag of crap into gold one day.

You want to win him back (btw if you're looking to find the old husband you had, forget it, YOU KILLED HIM OFF) give him time and like others have said, just reassure him that you're there for him no matter what.

And when he makes a decision, respect it no matter what that choice is. And if he chooses not to be with you, PLEASE, PLEASE don't throw out the I can't live without you card and that you'll harm yourself if he leaves you, that's just selfish. That's the one response that I just hate from cheaters and just sets my brain on fire.

You screwed up, he has NO OBLIGATION to take you back at all. I don't care if you have 2, 10, 20, 50 years together, you sleep with someone else, they have every right to boot you to the curb and move on with their life.

For what we did to them by cheating, we deserve ZERO pity for that act. You might be the best human being in the world but for that act, you should not expect anyone to pity you and say "Awe, it's so sad, her situation..."

I feel bad for my wife, because I know people have said
"Awe, it's so sad her situation, she stayed with him..."


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## drewk (Feb 18, 2013)

I want to thank those of you who responded. Many of you were not so nice, but i deserve that and worse. I was not raised in a good situation and believe that I never learned some of life's necessary lessons in dealing with others. Empathy is something I am only now starting to understand. There were some good thoughts between the responses I received, and I will try my best to incorporate those into my daily life with the man I have loved so long---my husband. Thanks again all.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

drewk said:


> Empathy is something I am only now starting to understand. .


If you are indeed serious, read some more of the threads in these forums .. you'll learn a lot about empathy.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

TBT said:


> Hop
> e you don't talk using these terms with your betrayed husband.


Exactly what I was thinking?
Why do u still refer to the om as sweet?
I can kind of get why u say the sex was steamy but..
Man, u need to first try and downgrade the way u see this other dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

No one, after learning what is right from wrong can blame their past for their misconduct & disorders of the present.

We are responsible for every one of our actions.

Your husband is on an emotional roller coaster.

I'm here to bring you some facts.

Your husband may NEVER, get over it. He may forgive you, you may reconcile but he will be different from here on out.

You have changed the marriage forever! He will NEVER see you the same again. He will NEVER have the same image of you in his mind, ever again. He is saying to himself "How could this be, how can she do this to me, after all I've done, offered, sacrificed....why?"

The reality of this is because you broke his trust. The person most loved and dear to him has stabbed him in the back. 

Try to understand, he'd expect this from every person on earth, EXCEPT YOU. 


Be happy because after your selfish decision there is RECONCILIATION. Understand that only with someone new (not you) can he feel the way he felt about you. Infidelity changes the marriage forever and you need to make reparations for the rest of your life in that marriage. Ask him for forgiveness. Thank him for forgiving.

Assist him in surpassing this stage and controlling his emotions. His ego is damaged, his trust betrayed, his heart broken and it will scar.

Be transparent, ask for forgiveness, thank him for taking you back. Forgiving is not a simple "I forgive you". It is a DAILY task that your husband has to renew, just as the WS (wayward spouse) has their DAILY task of dedicating themselves even more to their spouse than before.

If you ever once had been open and honest about your feelings, your own husband would have saved you from your fall, yet DEEP DOWN INSIDE you LOVED the way that OTHER MAN made you feel. You tested your own boundaries for this evil, hurtful act. Thinking you had the strength of a GOD to be able to turn back and say no at the last step but ended up taking the last step off the cliff of fidelity.

Keep working hard.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I suggest you enter counseling, you need to figure out why you sought the relationship outside your marriage. 

Your husband is on a roller coaster, he is questioning everything that he thought he knew about you and your marriage.

You should answer every question he asks, give him all of your passwords, allow him to put gps on your phone so he always know where you are. Take a photo whenever you are out and about to prove where you are. Offer to write out a timeline of the entire affair, describe every incident, completely. Get a job if you are not working.

Apologize, apologize, apologize. Often and sincerely. Confess your affair to everyone, your parents, in-laws, siblings and children over 4. 

I have to agree with the others that your description of a "sweet love affair" and "steamy sex" make it sound like you are still deep in the fog. A more remorseful person would say "I made a terrible decision, and sought out a sordid sexual encounter. I began an illicit relationship, and I have shamed myself and devastated my husband."


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I dont know, to me that is unforgivable and truthfully, he should get rid of you, I know I would in a heart beat. All you can do is try hard to gain his foregiveness, to me its like respect, it has to be earned. gl2u


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Haha, lemme tell you how you can "help him get over it".
You cant. 
He can only do that himself. 

But, being completely honest about the entire thing can give him the whole picture so he can make up his own mind. 
But you wont do that, will you?
Of course not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Just keep doing whatever he wants.

Sounds like when it comes to the sex department, you'll have no problem with that.

If you're worth it to him, he'll get over it.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I would bet every penny I have that it was not just "once".
I would bet every penny I have that he only knows about "once"

Invite him to TAM and I will give him the tools to retroactively find out about the other times.

My B.S. detector is going off on this one.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I would bet every penny I have that it was not just "once".
> I would bet every penny I have that he only knows about "once"
> 
> Invite him to TAM and I will give him the tools to retroactively find out about the other times.
> ...


I know right?!?
That "hot steamy sex", thats like putting a sack of crack rocks in front of a crackhead. You KNOW its gonna happen. Affairs (and affair sex), theyre GREAT! Its like being married except you dont have to worry about bills, kids, jobs, problems, cleaning toilets, farts, laundry...none of that boring stuff! Just steamy sex!
OP, lemme clarify something for you. Now im not the typical TAMer, because i was a ws as well as a bs, so i know both angles. 
Your affair wasnt a "sweet love affair", it was a toxic and twisted attempt at self-gratification and self-validation, wether that be physical or emotional or both (in your case). And now you have crushed your husbands heart, ego, trust and security for a "little tryst" and some steamy sex. Yeah well guess what your husband likely would have taken that steamy sex, probably he was wishing for it, while you were givin it up to OM. SO YEAH. I personally dont have much sympathy for you. Empathy, maybe. But i dont know the whole story. But, like DDad, i would wager that "once" really equates to "as much as we could". I bet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> and to make a long story short, we began a friendship that became a *sweet love affair* and culminated in steamy sex


Would your husband agree with your definition?

Look, I more than many people on this board know what you went through... but you need to see your affair from your husband's point of view.

And if you can't do that, perhaps you should consider setting your husband free?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Lady,

Your first post reminds me of the first post of another poster here, Mrs Mathias. She too micro-minimized her actions (she too was a 'one-time demure sex' practitioner who sought advice here on reclaiming marital security).

As the thread evolved, a wholly different scenario emerged, with multiple D-Days and brazen sexual trysts conducted behind the husband’s back, despite his cautioning and protestations.

And when her continued infidelity was outed, she miraculously rediscovered her love for the husband, and wanted to go back in the TAM Time Machine and put everything back to where they were pre-infidelity).

(Do see her thread).

I expect the same to happen in this thread, if you keep posting, and your husband also gets to post here (but that is your choice).

(Apologies to Dr & Mrs Mathias, for taking their names here).

FYI: They (the Mathias’s) are now trying to decide the future of their marriage, which could go either way – Divorce / Reconciliation. And the husband seems to have turned into a kind of matrimonial Nihilist. Infidelity does that – it shatters and re-moulds values, and transmortifies the personality of both the betrayed, and the betrayer.


WHY do you really want to settle for someone who may not be able to offer you 'sweet love' or 'steamy sex' like the Other Man, especially once the Hysterical Bonding phase is over? *Just because you've got no one else in hand? *Yeah, that should make him real proud.

Please understand that he might continue with you / try to reconcile with you *just because you're what he's got in hand, and no other real reason*. How does that make *YOU* feel?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I feel like a lot of people come here, share "a portion" of their story and when you ask for the whole story (aka the truth), they bail.


Not just here. Athol Kay just made a post recently about the exact same thing happening on his site. People want answers but they refuse to give you all the facts necessary to give useful advice.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

drewk said:


> My name is drew. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 18 wonderful years...
> 
> a sweet love affair and
> culminated in steamy sex----just once.
> ...


I'm not convinced you'll be coming back here because the very first thing you need to do is put your nose into a dictionary and check out the word

'remorse' followed swiftly buy this one 'unconditional'

Having done that I'd restart the whole job of reconciling with your husband if that's what you really want to do

_my little tryst,_ ( that's good that one) That one would really piss me off. That's from an age when 'a little tryst' was the expected 'right' of a 'gentleman' or 'lady'

Carry on with what you've mistakenly considered to be you thinking you're being apologetic and you have not a cat in hells chance


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I feel like a lot of people come here, share "a portion" of their story and when you ask for the whole story (aka the truth), they bail.


She wont be back


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## brokin4hymn (Feb 22, 2013)

Acknowledge that YOU have destroyed his ability to ever trust you with the one thing that made marriage special, your sexuality. Have him read Matthew 19:9' and divorce you ..If I were you I'd cry out to Jesus to restore your messed up soul.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm surprised. Five weeks is certainly long enough to get over such silliness. Maybe if your H behaves and doesn't stop resisting the 'getting over it' part, you can sidle back into your sweet love affair. Now that your affair partner's wife has had her mind blown and heart broken, he'll probably be available.

BTW: I agree that it was really mean of your H to make you tell the OMW the truth, super mean.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Headspin said:


> She wont be back



:iagree: But if she does.I hope she can start telling us
how do you go from 18 wonderfull years to,what she just told us..I mean what happend.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like several people figured out what you were doing. Almost two months long affair if that's true. You only had steamy sex once. I wonder if your husband or anyone else believes this.
Honestly, I don't believe hardly a word of it.


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## Gumby1 (Feb 24, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Exactly what I was thinking?
> Why do u still refer to the om as sweet?
> I can kind of get why u say the sex was steamy but..
> Man, u need to first try and downgrade the way u see this other dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sounds to me that she may still have a thing for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gumby1 said:


> Sounds to me that she may still have a thing for him.


As long as she keeps her lover's whatsit out of her thing...


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