# My Wife and what she is going through...how to help



## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

I would never would have thought i would be on a forum on this topic. I am a 35 year old male, married to a 40 year old wife, with two kids (2.5/7) and have been going through some very challenging times.

Although i look to myself and what i can do to be better, i need to get some advice with how to deal with my wife. As stated, she is 40, and in the last 2 years lost 130 pounds via weight loss surgery. With no support for her in how to deal with her new self, she is/has/trying to become this new person. Getting attention, and looking for it via social media and through social scenes. The last 8 months have been extremely difficult with her turning to wine (Excessive), constantly on the phone and texting friends, going out to parties, neglecting the kids, the house, me...

The last 4 weeks we decided to split, but just couldnt pull the trigger. This was sparked be her realizing that she is not in love with me anymore. The core of who i am has not changed, but my reaction to her actions has. I have become more direct, blunt and protecting to her which has lead to where she feels she is today.

She is a stay at home mom, raising the typical terrible two's little man. He is a challenge to say the least, nothing like our first kid. Instead of being who she was with our first child, she basically has become the opposite. No activities, play time, reading etc, instead, she hides from it by sitting outside on her phone, texting, listening to music, smoking/drinking...and it just destroys me to see her do this. 

We are seeing a therapist, a good one i should add who was able to get us to give it one more chance. That was over a week ago, and i saw some baby steps in her trying. But...the last few days, she is back to her old self.

I understand miracles cant happen over night and patience will be key for me. I am an impatient man, so hoping to get some advice from anyone out there. Even looking for a woman who has gone through something like this herself and what she did to turn herself around. Also looking for any husbands out there that deal with something similiar and how they worked it out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that your wife was over weight when you married her?

Obviously the weight loss has completely changed her and your relationship.

What about you? Are you over weight? Is she now on a higher level look-wise than you? I ask this because if she now feels mismatched, that could be part of the problem. You might want to up your looks as well. it might just get her attention. I know that some will think it's superficial but it's just how people are.

Is there any chance at all that she's having an affair?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear, Im sincerly sorry youve come to this situation in your life. Unless someone has been there (in your situation) they cannot actually fully understand that you've to deal with a Jekle and Hyde charecter. 

I suspect your W was Very overweight for her to have the surgery. I say this because she has dropped the equiverlent of a small person. And I have to say well, good for her. But she wanted this surgery why? Was it a health issue (outside the normal weight carrying issue) or was it a self esteem issue? Was it for you or was it for other to see. 
I suspect to a degree the latter. As asked have you followed similar journey, have you smartened up? have you started to look better physically?
It could be your W has met a "someone" who without your knowledge she aspires to want to attract away from here stay at home life style. Its difficult but you need to dig, to see if there are other "changes" in her behaviour as it does appear she craves the attention and recognition of others as a result of seeing herself up aginst other females.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

Thank you for the replies, to answer your questions:

Yes, she was overweight substantially when we met. We decided to do the weight loss surgery for her health and not for any other reason. 

Me - i am the typical beer gut guy. I am not ripped or work out, which is something i due intend to change. The biggest hurdle is that i work from home, and is very easy for me to start to my day in my housecoat without getting dressed up until mid day. This is something i have to change. What she doesnt get to see is when i am on the road how i dress/look. So I am working on that.

Is she having an affair - a question i have been asking myself. I dont see how she could have but i have noticed a couple of indicators such as a new password on her phone, i saw a new email account created, passwords to existing email sites and Facebook are now changed. I feel though that is more about her wanting me out. She has picked up that i have viewed things in the past, and doesnt like it. 

Interesting comment about is their someone she aspires to be with. She did ask me "You ever wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone else?"...I said, i am a guy, yes. I asked her the same question and her answer was the same. For her to say this, it very ODD. 

She is now on some new anti-depressants which i hope will bring her back to reality - she was on some before, but had no effect, which i feel is due to the wine drinking.

Each day is different - today was better...will see what tomorrow brings.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Red flags with the phone and email
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It appears to me that your wife could be in an emotional affair, hence all the secrets.

You can be the best husband in the world, but as long as she is emotionally connecting to someone else you won't be abale to compete.

At the very least quitely investigate this possiblity and then you will have a better idea on how to address the marriage.

In short you can't adress the marriage until she is no longer influences by someone else. If there is some one else, then until he is out of the picture he will continue to infect the dynamics of the marriage.

Hopefully you can rule out my assumption by doing your research.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just ask to use her phone for starters if she gets all nervy and defensive tell her there are no secrets in a marriage.


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## Boogedy (Nov 1, 2012)

I found the text that has sealed the relationship for the worse...Sadly, when on a trip to visit a friend, she hooked up with some guy - not sure if she slept with him or not, but i do know they made out. A trip i paid to have her relax away from kids, with one of her good friends. What amazes me is that while on this trip, the night after her hookup, she ended up visiting with my father as he lives in the same town...!!!! 

After some further digging, they have continued to text and talk long distance while we have been attending therapy sessions. I got ahold of her cell phone bill and amazed at how the calls/texts line up around our therapy sessions!! WTF...

So sad....Unfortunately i am not a forgiver, and to know everything i did and tried to do for her while working some other guy destroys me. Now, i look back and can count the other obvious signs - wow, was i stupid.

Thank you all for your postings - was hoping some of you were wrong...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I so sorry for you man,
Follow through now and start working out, try to eat right and sleep when you can.
Emotionally detach from her and try not to engage her on anything but business stuff with the kids or finances etc. 

Try not to argue, or name call, let her live with her guilt.
Most disloyal spouces say the thing that got them the most was the hurt in their husbands eyes, if you are truly done with her, still let her see that, you have kids with her and it will be good for her to know how it hurt, remember show it dont say it.

You owe her nothing now, she destroyed your marriage and your trust.
You will not share your wife with another man.

Detach emotionally but keep connecting with your kids, even more.

Again Im sorry, its in NO WAY your fault she cheated!!!!

When you come out of shock this is goning to really hurt,
Feel free to come back and vent, you are not alone in this experience.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry man. I would ask her to leave and pack her things. Tell her you are not going to be disrespected anymore.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Agree with Tom,
Also go to the Coping With Infidelity section and read the Newbie thread there, this will give you some important info, it will be a big help, please read it soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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