# Don't know what's going on?



## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

The other night my son was messing with my wife's phone when I took it off him I noticed a message between her and her old boss. Nothing that would be considered wrong hush wishing him a happy birthday the thing is she hasn't worked there for nearly a year and the other messages seemed like it was her replying to him when he wasn't asking for a reply. Am I right to be concerned I think if I was him I'd be thinking this could mayb go somewhere. She never given me any reason to suspect her in the past she's a good looking woman and we've been together over 10 years. Can't help feeling very anxious about it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wishing a former boss a happy birthday seems totally harmless to me.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Were there any replies from her ex boss? Or, did it appear that the replies had been deleted?

What I would do is go online and view her detail phone call/text history and see if they've been communicating frequently. 

Also, check her email, but don't get caught!!! 

Now, there might not be anything going on, but I would certainly verify first. 

Oh, if you do find something suspicious, post it here before you confront your wife. We'll guide you on what nessasary steps to take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Her leaving her phone laying around unlocked? Sounds like nothing, but don't say anything to her about it. Keep an eye on it without obsessing over it. Look at phone records online if possible to see how much communication is going on and when it's going on. Good luck.


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

No replies have been deleted his replies are just polite nothing more but it seems like she's replying when there's no need to. I'll see if it go's no much longer the last message before this was over 6 months ago. If she keeps initiating conversation that will worry me. Also she didn't work there for long.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

English1979 said:


> No replies have been deleted his replies are just polite nothing more *but it seems like she's replying when there's no need to.* I'll see if it go's no much longer the last message before this was over 6 months ago. If she keeps initiating conversation that will worry me. Also she didn't work there for long.


Like what? Can you give an example?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

English1979 said:


> She never given me any reason to suspect her in the past she's a good looking woman and we've been together over 10 years. Can't help feeling very anxious about it.


Why do you feel anxious if she has an unblemished track record over 10 years? 

A birthday greeting sounds innocuous, to be honest. The phone is unlocked. 

EDIT: Could you give us an example of her Texts that have you feeling anxious?


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

Don't really know why I feel suspicious I think I just feel there's no need to make contact with this man. The message was something like Thanks for the message all the best. 
No questions asked to prompt a reply. I know how most men think and he'll probably be thinking there's something in it if she keeps making contact and mayb the reason nothing is happening is due to him not trying. That's my problem.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

English1979 said:


> The message was something like Thanks for the message all the best.


And what was the original message from him that prompted her to reply?


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

That was the kind of message from him she replied to.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

With what little information you supplied of the context of the messages, it is hard to really give any advice. It was 6 months since she last messaged him and now a simple happy birthday, with the information given I would not be worried.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

English1979 said:


> That was the kind of message from him she replied to.


And what did she say?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds nothing to me

BUT if your gut is saying hmmmm...wouldn't hurt to be a little vigilant and do a little snooping over the next few 
weeks as Christmas will make people carless with the extra drink and festivities that they indulge in BUT do not 
agonise over this..... all you should be doing is just checking everything in the marriage is ok

Phone
Facebook
Emails etc

very very discreetly

Oh New Years Eve/Morning is a biggy for messages if any things going on


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

English1979 said:


> The other night my son was messing with my wife's phone when I took it off him I noticed a message between her and her old boss. Nothing that would be considered wrong hush wishing him a happy birthday the thing is she hasn't worked there for nearly a year and the other messages seemed like it was her replying to him when he wasn't asking for a reply. Am I right to be concerned I think if I was him I'd be thinking this could mayb go somewhere. She never given me any reason to suspect her in the past she's a good looking woman and we've been together over 10 years. Can't help feeling very anxious about it.


Sounds like she's been deleting some text messages. You may want to consider taking a close look at the phone bill, and possibly recovering the texts as well.

What kind of phone does your wife use?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Did she mention in passing that this boss texted her...she texted him?...just in a casual conversation with you?...I know it's not THAT crucial that she tells you, but I think it's something I would have told my wife just because...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I don't see anything (or you haven't expressed it here) that sounds suspicious. I wish men (ex colleagues) I haven't seen in ages a happy birthday whenever I get notifications on social media. You must remember she is a woman and are possibly a bit more chatty in our responses than men as we may appear curt otherwise. 
However, if your gut is telling you something is up , then keep the eyes wide open but the mouth shut and observe. Though I think it is probably nothing.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

E1979,

Been there. "Out of Blue" text messaging to opposite sex "friends" is dangerous for your marriage . 

At this point... Lay low and DO NOT CONFRONT. You know the number, go on-line and look at the cell logs over the past year.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I still text my old boss occasionally and I haven't worked for him for over 6 years. Usually a happy birthday, a comment about the football game (we're both big Ohio State fans) or a Myanus joke (there was an episode of Jackass on MTV about a town called Myanus which was absolutely hilarious and we used to quote it at work all the time), he's also helped me with my resume a few times over the years. My best friend still works for him and I see him occasionally when I stop in to her work to see her or have lunch with her. I also use him as a reference when applying for jobs. He's now the Plant Manager at a big local company so I occasionally text him to see if he knows people qualified for positions we have open at work and/or to ask if he has any positions open at his company. 

I also text my last female boss and I haven't reported to her for 2 years.

I usually go months without texting either one of them. The old male boss it's usually one text to and one text back. The female boss, we text a little bit more, her and I text for 2 hours the other night about different things.

You're very vague about what these texts said other than happy birthday. Could you share all of the text messages? It's hard to interpret whether something is an issue without really knowing what the texts actually say. 

If you have Verizon, you can read text messages online via the My Messaging desktop or web app. But it only shows sms texts. If your wife has an iphone and is texting someone with an iphone, it won't show those messages. But if only one of the people has an iphone, it will show them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I still text my old boss occasionally and I haven't worked for him for over 6 years. Usually a happy birthday, a comment about the football game (we're both big Ohio State fans) or a Myanus joke (there was an episode of Jackass on MTV about a town called Myanus which was absolutely hilarious and we used to quote it at work all the time), he's also helped me with my resume a few times over the years. He's now the Plant Manager at a big local company so I occasionally text him to see if he knows people qualified for positions we have open at work and/or to ask if he has any positions open at his company.
> 
> I also text my last female boss and I haven't reported to her for 2 years.
> 
> ...


I'm in touch via Facebook with both of my previous two bosses and see one of them semi-regularly (a woman). The man, who I only worked for for 4 months, is just someone I respect so much for what he does for the community in which we live, and we had an amazing work rapport. We comment on each other's photos, wish each other happy b-day, etc. and there's absolutely nothing at all going on. He's quite a bit older than me, but still....I honestly see nothing wrong with this and agree OP is being super vague about what was actually in the texts.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Other red flags

Has your sex life changed in the last few years

Has she changed in personal grooming habits

Does she do girls nights out

Shopping without buying anything

Phone locked down always with her

Underwear you haven't seen her wear

Are a few. Also google signs of cheating. Unfortunately work place affairs are hard to catch. Now that they are not working together, could be impossible unless an affair is still going on.

Why did she leave the last job.

Actually, his reply sounded rather curt. Which could be interpreted differentl too.


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

The last message from her was something like. We should make an effort to stay in touch with people who have been kind to you.


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

Also an X at the end of the message. It's probably silly to pick up on that but that's also something that might not be appropriate.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

English1979 said:


> Also an X at the end of the message. It's probably silly to pick up on that but that's also something that might not be appropriate.


Is the X something she does with other people?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't see any red flags. Just be alert for anything weird, like the sort of thing that @Chaparral mentioned.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So what has happened? Something triggered this level of distrust in an otherwise trustworthy 10 year marriage. Was there some problem with this boss before? Right now, it seems innocuous after six months.

Oh and do not start down this road, without red flags, it is ugly and if you are wrong you can irreparably damage your marriage.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

english1979, I recognized your screename You've posted here before haven't you.? Whatever you do listen to what everyone has to say here they know what they're talking about. Do not let your emotions get the better of you. It will be a huge disaster if you accuse her without solid evidence so please listen to with these people have to say here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

English1979 said:


> Don't really know why I feel suspicious I think I just feel there's no need to make contact with this man.


There are many legitimate reasons to keep in contact with former coworkers, ESPECIALLY former supervisors. 

Networking, keeping references current, etc.

If she needs a reference from a supervisor, it'd be impossible to get one from her current boss without letting him know she wants to leave her current job. Or, if he's in the industry, he would know of available opportunities, etc.

That said, if it seems like she's deleting messages, then, yes, check out a free trial of Dr. Fone or similar undelete programs to see what's going on.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, caught up on you other threads. You feel your wife is low drive, but she likes sex and makes tons of excuses not to have it with you. So, your suspicion is based on her words of caring, but her actions not matching her desire. Yes, I saw where you both are very busy and scheduled sex. Also, I saw where you said she does things, like staying up late, to avoid having sex on the scheduled day.

I now understand why you are suspicious of the guy. Have you actually talked with her about this sex drive problem? I'm talking about in a serious "it is hurting our marriage" type of conversation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Not saying she is cheating but a $50 voice activated recorder in her car may provide some answers.
At least rule it out.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

When I was a SAHM for 7 years, I still texted my old boss on his birthday and he texted me on my birthday. We also kept in touch a couple of other times a year too. When my youngest started 1st grade and I wanted to go back to work I had a job waiting for me at his company. See how that works?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your other threads, in totality, seem to indicate there is a disconnect between you and your wife. 

Are these messages to her boss a sign of her wanting to stray? Maybe. My take is that she is drifting. She may or may not be doing anything wrong, but there are some serious signs that she is losing interest in you and the relationship. 

Sit her down. Talk to her about your fears and concerns. Do not mention the text messages. Rather, talk about the lack of intimacy, how you feel like the two of you are drifting apart. See how she reacts. If she acts off-putting or angry, that could be a red flag. If she acts accommodating, then get you and her into some marriage counseling.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> When I was a SAHM for 7 years, I still texted my old boss on his birthday and he texted me on my birthday. We also kept in touch a couple of other times a year too. When my youngest started 1st grade and I wanted to go back to work I had a job waiting for me at his company. See how that works?


Yep, substitute 5 for 7 years and that was my story as well!

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

English, are you trickle truthing us?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

JohnA said:


> English, are you trickle truthing us?


Yes, I'm waiting for the "I found something post". It usually comes in at the 3rd or 4th page when the thread starts slowing down.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I still text my old boss occasionally and I haven't worked for him for over 6 years.


I still text my first boss out of college from 25 years ago. We have even met up a couple times over the years and I have him on LinkedIn. Neither of us would ever want to be more than just friends, people we like. That said, my H knows about him and if he ever does show up in town to visit, my H is invited along. 

At the same time, my H has many female friends and I'm fine with it. Why? Because he tells me everything. I hear about all his contacts with people, who he hangs out with, and I'm always invited if I want to go.

I remember my DD25, a few years ago, was dating a guy (who turned out to be controlling) and she was asking me about 'restricting' him from talking to other girls, and I just said 'do you want him to be that restrictive of you, as well? It doesn't feel good, does it? If you can't trust each other, that's not a great relationship to begin with. So today she has a great guy who gives her no reason to worry, nor does she, they're 100% transparent with each other and don't have to play games.

It's when people do something and purposely DON'T let you in that you have to worry.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

turnera said:


> I still text my first boss out of college from 25 years ago. We have even met up a couple times over the years and I have him on LinkedIn. Neither of us would ever want to be more than just friends, people we like. That said, my H knows about him and if he ever does show up in town to visit, my H is invited along.
> 
> At the same time, my H has many female friends and I'm fine with it. Why? Because he tells me everything. I hear about all his contacts with people, who he hangs out with, and I'm always invited if I want to go.
> 
> ...


My husband texts my old boss as well. I worked for him for 7 years so my husband knows him pretty well too. They've gone to movies together, golfed and played basketball throughout the years.

Last year my sister had cancer. I organized a golf outing for her. Having kept in contact with my old boss, I was able to contact him for a $500 donation to my sisters outing from his company and he also golfed in the outing with a couple of my other old coworkers (we had all worked together at a plant that was shut down due to relocation).

I was in a supervisory position at this previous job and I still get texts or calls from some of my direct reports, just checking in, seeing how things are. We were very tight knit there and losing my job was like losing family. And I've been able to give a lot of them references for new jobs over the last few years.

I agree that it's good to keep in (open, honest) communication with prior supervisors for future networking opportunities.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

E79, are you insecure, needy, feel unwanted? If so that may be the problem. I will post a follow up when I get home. I hate typing on a stupid smart phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## English1979 (Nov 19, 2015)

Not really. We had a conversation about the intermicy in our relationship. She didn't think there was a problem she's just not as interested in sex as me nothing else to it and in the week she's just too tired also. We talked for about an hour and she said she'd try to improve things and make more of an effort st the weekend and I would also try and get less hung up about it as we are both so busy at this time there will be times where it doesn't happen as often as I would like. I am definitely more touchy-feely towards her than she is as she's usually more stressed than me. The more I think about it this text thing is probably harmless but I'll definitely keep an eye on it. My wife does like to keep it touch with people that she thinks are nice people.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> When I was a SAHM for 7 years, I still texted my old boss on his birthday and he texted me on my birthday. We also kept in touch a couple of other times a year too. When my youngest started 1st grade and I wanted to go back to work I had a job waiting for me at his company. See how that works?


Did you cut your husband off?


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## ivory (Oct 23, 2015)

*Peak her interest*

Just for kicks just go into sweet mode and see what happens. Brainstorm on little nice things that you can do for her. For example, I leave earlier than my wife gets out of bed so as a nice touch, I get the coffee maker ready for her each morning so all she has to do is push a button. I even leave some creamer out so it can be room temperature for her coffee. I'm ready with a nice collection of Christmas gifts for her, and I always make sure that she gets to orgasm at least once before I do... I try to make it happen at the same time as that's more intimate but often I get selfish and ravish her for a while after her climaxes. 

Just keep layering it on and DO NOT miss a romantic opportunity. But don't let on whats going on... if she pushes the issue just tell her that you had suddenly noticed that more and more beautiful as tie goes on. 
Give it a try... its fun!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Did you cut your husband off?


From what?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

English1979 said:


> Not really. We had a conversation about the intermicy in our relationship. She didn't think there was a problem she's just not as interested in sex as me nothing else to it and in the week she's just too tired also. We talked for about an hour and she said she'd try to improve things and make more of an effort st the weekend and I would also try and get less hung up about it as we are both so busy at this time there will be times where it doesn't happen as often as I would like. I am definitely more touchy-feely towards her than she is as she's usually more stressed than me. The more I think about it this text thing is probably harmless but I'll definitely keep an eye on it. My wife does like to keep it touch with people that she thinks are nice people.


People on TAM are into books. I'm not, but there is one book I think you and your wife should read. It's called _His Needs Her Needs_ and from what I gather it is a very good book for helping couples communicate their needs to each other. 

Have you read this book or had your wife read it?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Did you cut your husband off?



soccermom2three said:


> From what?


Cutting off love making/sex.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you got to the point where you had to schedule time for love making/sex... This might be part of the problem.

It became one more chore/duty on her list of things to do on a given day.

I can understand why a couple might have to schedule time, but man, does that take the romance out of it, or what.


OP, do you ever give your wife back rubs, or a massages? If so, do you attempt, or feel that this should lead into sex? If so, STOP doing these kinds of things. The next time(or anytime) you rub her shoulders, or massage her back because she's stressed from a hectic day, don't start putting the "moves" on her when you're done. You may be all horned up, but assume that she isn't.

After you finish the rub/massage, always ask her if she good, or does she want you to continue. When she says she's good, then ask her something like i.e. "Would you like me to get a bubble bath going for you?", or "Can I get you a herbal tea", or "Would you like me to ride a uni-cycle, wearing a bellboy costume, while juggling toasters?":grin2: Just make it something that you know she enjoys.

After a few months of this, either she'll start to being "in the mood" after the massages, the bubble baths, or the toasters:smile2:, or she won't.

If she is, great. Maybe after realizing that she's not expected to have sex in return for you doing pleasant and comforting things for her, she starts to "want" to reconnect with you physically. Sex is no longer a duty, a chore.

If nothing changes, you'll have at least tried to rule out the "duty sex".

Just a thought.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

*Re: Peak her interest*



ivory said:


> Just for kicks just go into sweet mode and see what happens. Brainstorm on little nice things that you can do for her. For example, I leave earlier than my wife gets out of bed so as a nice touch, I get the coffee maker ready for her each morning so all she has to do is push a button. I even leave some creamer out so it can be room temperature for her coffee. I'm ready with a nice collection of Christmas gifts for her, and I always make sure that she gets to orgasm at least once before I do... I try to make it happen at the same time as that's more intimate but often I get selfish and ravish her for a while after her climaxes.
> 
> Just keep layering it on and DO NOT miss a romantic opportunity. But don't let on whats going on... if she pushes the issue just tell her that you had suddenly noticed that more and more beautiful as tie goes on.
> Give it a try... its fun!


Please do not do this. You will look pathetic and be even less sexually attractive to her. Do the things that attracted her in the past. Were you in better shape? More confident? Start working out and getting more attractive. If you want the best advice, read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" , by Athol Kay. It works and was written for just your situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Peak her interest*



MapMan said:


> Please do not do this. You will look pathetic and be even less sexually attractive to her. Do the things that attracted her in the past. Were you in better shape? More confident? Start working out and getting more attractive. If you want the best advice, read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" , by Athol Kay. It works and was written for just your situation.


But not until you have read His Needs Her Needs and honestly assessed your marriage to see if you are Love Busting her and if you are meeting her Emotional Needs. If you do those things, and spend 10-15 hours a week together away from electronics/chores/TV, I have no doubt you'll see a huge gain in affection.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Nothing serious for me my friend,but on other hand you have even biger problem with your marriage. 

You know it is bad when both of you have no time for each other. When you have to schedule your sex life and your intimacy.

Is your job and your wifes job more important thing then your marriage,your happines and your son happines ???

Sit down with your wife and talk to each other. Spend your time together. Do something nice for her and belive me she is going to love you even more. 

Christmas is coming so maybe you should take some time off work and go to nice vacation.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: Peak her interest*



MapMan said:


> Please do not do this. You will look pathetic and be even less sexually attractive to her. Do the things that attracted her in the past. Were you in better shape? More confident? Start working out and getting more attractive. If you want the best advice, read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" , by Athol Kay. It works and was written for just your situation.


Wow! First post and sticks the landing.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> From what?


The other threads mention little to no sex. I can see why OP's mind went the jealousy, affair or gut route. I know it can be multiple other LEGITIMATE non-affair or sexual reasons, but he is in the thick of it and his mind is racing.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Years ago I got the luv ya' not in luv witcha speech. I assumed it had to be someone else. I turned over every leaf I could find trying to find something anything about who she had feelings for. I figured if she wasn't into me, she had to be into someone else.
She had always taken care of the bills the kids homework and a bunch of other things. I figured if I provided for my family and took care of the lawn and car maintenance that was enough. I was wrong. I expected her to fall all over me and throw herself at me. One night during a heated discussion she told me she felt like she was my mom. I was needy. I needed her to validate me. After that I thought a lot about it and decided why would she want me. I was needy, I was insecure. 

Somewhere down the line I surrendered my manhood. I shirked my duties as a father and a man. I read Married Mans Sex Life Primer. I talked to others who went thru the same things. 

I started lifting weights and started eating right. I detached from my wife to a healthy distance. Instead of asking her what she wants to do, I tell her we are going here, and we are eating there. But I take into consideration on what she likes before I do this. I mean if she is on a diet, I'm not taking her to the Cheesecake Factory.

I started gradually taking charge, and making decisions with her input of course. Luckily for me she is very smart and disciplined when it comes to money.

My main point is kind of lost in this, but my being insecure, and needy made me believe there was someone else when the real problem was ME.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

[RIGHT[/RIGHT]

Oh I meant to add this: In the past if we went to a movie and dinner, I would rush thru it just to get to the sex part. I have learned to savor the time with her without regard to sex. If it happens it happens, if not I can say I had a great time just being with her. If I initiate sex, and I can tell she doesnt really want to, I just pat her on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. I don't huff and puff anymore, I don't treat her with contempt the next day. I act as though nothing happened. 

I don't know if any of this rings true with you, but maybe it can help someone who stumbles across it. Best wishes going forward.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP be the man your wife would leave you for

55


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
> Did you cut your husband off?
> 
> ...


No, I didn't. One doesn't have to be related to the other.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> No, I didn't. One doesn't have to be related to the other.


Yes, I agree, but this is about the OP. He chose to play games by not putting enough information in the OP. It makes more sense, doesn't mean he is correct, when you see he is being paranoid because their sex life has changed into a sexless marriage, but she apparently sends mixed signals.
I still think nothing is there, but I can see how he made the leap.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Thound said:


> Oh I meant to add this: In the past if we went to a movie and dinner, I would rush thru it just to get to the sex part. I have learned to savor the time with her without regard to sex. If it happens it happens, if not I can say I had a great time just being with her.
> 
> If I initiate sex, and I can tell she doesn't really want to, I just pat her on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. I don't huff and puff anymore, I don't treat her with contempt the next day. * I act as though nothing happened.
> *


T,

I 100% agree, *Needy is a Downer*.

I assume (correct me) you have never been cheated on? If this pattern is repeated week after week, month after month... no bitterness, no resentment? Maybe some MC is in order to understand why she has Time for the other aspects of her life* but you and the bedroom are not a top priority?
*

I got this same treatment from my fWW before and during her affairs. She made time for 60 hour work week, her Parents, volunteering, the Gym. I did the roll over maneuver countless times. DD finally arrives, she is broken, dumped by OM, grown children, and Me. Wakes up from CandyLand remorseful and begs for mercy, another chance, R.

Rubber meets the road... In MC she complains that she often felt pressured to have Sex with me when she wasn't "feeling it", too tired, stressed... (whatever). I just sit there, WTF am I hearing. I look at her and the C and respond, for years on end, you made time for work, church, gym workouts, and sadly affairs with OM. I might get an "how's your day" email at work maybe once a month. Meanwhile she is texting and emailing OM dozen of times all day long. Talk about initiating Sex... I would say skipping work and driving 150 miles round trip to meet some man in a hotel room for a few hours of unprotected sex definitely qualifies as initiating. Enough...

See the point... I like a lot many others was hyper focused only on the Symptoms, damn the Root cause. Bottom line, I was Nothing more than a security blanket or hired hand. Valued only for what I could provide, very little in return. Her emotional needs were being met elsewhere thus her attention. Classic doormat. Never again.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am a firm believer that when sex goes stone cold dead in a marriage without any diagnosed health issues than the possibillity that the refuser is engaging in an affair must always discreetly be examined.

At present there are red flags coming from your wife. She may not necessarily be cheating but there is definately scope to be suspicious and investigate.

Do not let on your concerns to her. Monitor discreetly.

Pull out the phone records, buy yourself a VAR and plant it under her car seat strapped with velcro. Also consider buying a personal GPS you can hide in her car and track her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sports Fan said:


> I am a firm believer that when sex goes stone cold dead in a marriage without any diagnosed health issues than the possibillity that the refuser is engaging in an affair must always discreetly be examined.


Yes, but so should his actions in the marriage. I have NO desire to have an affair, but my H has Love Busted me so far into the ground that I can barely stand the thought of sex with him. I DO it, just to keep him from griping, but I find myself wishing for the day when he no longer wants it (he's over 60) so I can just have the life I want to have, sans sex.

And I have realized over the years that the few times he DOES step up and be the husband I need, my desire for him and his attractiveness similarly rise.


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