# Young, married, but not gettin' any



## Jester (May 7, 2012)

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

I'm a bit new to this whole forum posting since I've only actually read them and never posted. But since I've read alot of other people's stories on TAM I'd recon I would lay my heart out here just the same.

So I'll start off with the usual info, correct me if something is missing;

We've been together 7 years now, me and my wife, 3 years married and we're both 23 (she's 2 months older). No kid's , both have a average but well paying job. We also live together.

Now for my problem, as the title pretty much says it all, I'm getting pretty much no sex at all, *anymore* .
Since one and a half year ago, sex has been getting less and less in our relationship and now its down to about 1-2 times a month. What I don't understand is, is that we've always connected great sexually, before and after marriage we would make love to up to 1 or 2 times per day. Ofcourse we were young, that's what young couple's do, but I was especially happy since nothing changed in that department after we got married, and the years after. Untill now of course.

I have pointed this out to her, since it's been getting worse and worse, and she tells me she "doesn't feel like it". She says this when I sit down with her to talk to her about this and tell her I would like to make love with her more. Another thing she says is that "she can't explain why, really." She has made clear to me it's not because she's not attracted to me sexually. When we're in the moment and I actually initiate for sex (she never *ever* does anymore) she simply turns me down with "I don't want to", playingly. Sure she says it in a joking way, but its still a rejection and it hurts after so many times. I'm also afraid I've been building up alot of resentment because of this.

So after we had a serious talk we would make love that day or the next, 1 extra time per month, but I feel that's more to shut me up, because after that it just goes back to the 1 or 2 times per month.

On all other fronts like intimacy and talking generally having a great time with eachother, it all seems fine. We kiss and hug regularly, go to sleep together, lie down and just enjoy being in eachothers arms, watch movies and go out etc, we're very much in love still. Everything seems great except for the sex.

My question now is; what could cause her to "not feel like it"?
Of course I've done my own research and I've read something about the birth control pill could cause her to have a low libido etc. but I haven't been able to test that yet since she hasnt finish her current pack. 

That's all for now I guess, I might add some points later but for now I'll keep it at this. 

And thank you if you came this far into reading my story and bearing with me and thank you for any comments and help.

Also, I'm not a native speaker so I apologize for any inconvience reading my text.

M


----------



## Jester (May 7, 2012)

Also another thing I would like to add , which might be TMI, is that I've been starting to masturbate more often. I try not too but when I haven't gotten any sex in a long time and I spent time with my wife ( and she looks quite attractive ) I just have the feeling I want to have sex with her 90% of the time, and it prevents me from doing anything much intimate, like lying down with her and hugging her, because all I can think about is sex, but I'm not getting it, and that's making me frustrated. It's like some vicious cycle, if you get my drift. So I end up sneaking off to the bathroom to release all the sexual tension from my body and after that I'm semi-ok to get romantic and intimate again. BUT it makes me feel like a pervert who can't control his own self to not go and jerk off just because I'm not getting any from my wife. Sorry for the crude terms in this post, it's just that I'm getting a little 'desperate' for lack of a better term.


----------



## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

Why sneak off to masturbate, like you're doing something horrible or shameful? Can't complain about the frequency of sex in my marriage, but when I'm horny and she's asleep or uninterested, I'll caress her body and masturbate next to her. Either she'll ignore me, take over for me, or hop on. Do it next to her, see how she responds. 

As far as initiating, how does that go? Is there a big lead up, kissing, touching foreplay that kind of stuff, or is it kind of like, "hey, lets ****"?


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Do you do it the same way every time you have sex? If so try to change it up a little by trying new positions, ect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jester (May 7, 2012)

The masturbation thing, I think she ever mentioned she would'nt like to see or know me doing it, she sees it as 'strange' or maybe she just doesnt like the idea, hence the 'secrecy'. Before when everything was still normal I would initiate in many ways including caressing her with my hands slowly, kissing her, etc, other times kissing her body leading to oral and to intercourse. So diversity there. Nowadays she would only have to notice I'm trying to initiate toward making love and she would look at me like I'm commiting a crime ( that blaming look in her eyes kills me). And when we actually do get to make love we both enjoy it but it's not outstanding because we haven't done it in a long time and that's putting alot of pressure on me once we finally do.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jester,

This is a serious problem that won't fix itself. If you are thinking about starting a family, don't do it until this issue is resolved and far behind you!

You're not alone brother! there's a ton of us out here!


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well of course you are masturbating. Doesn't make you a pervert. Makes you normal.

You need to get this worked out -- or you are well on your way to a sexless marriage.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Soupnutz said:


> Why sneak off to masturbate, like you're doing something horrible or shameful? Can't complain about the frequency of sex in my marriage, but when I'm horny and she's asleep or uninterested, I'll caress her body and masturbate next to her. Either she'll ignore me, take over for me, or hop on. Do it next to her, see how she responds.


Funny how there's a post just today about a guy doing this same thing and his wife is NOT happy about it.


----------



## Jester (May 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny how there's a post just today about a guy doing this same thing and his wife is NOT happy about it.


Yes, in the past hour I've read multiple posts about women being disturbed and sleep deprived because their husband's decide to give their unit a good ole jerkin' next to their wives, making the bed shake,etc. So I think I'll pass on that since my gut tells me my wife wouldnt really appreciate that either, heh.

M
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jester (May 7, 2012)

An update on the situation currently.
I've been starting to feel less and less inclined to be 'nice'. Meaning before I was a good guy, doing things like giving her massages because my wife would have frequent pains in her back. I would do these things for her with pleasure, not even worried about getting anything in return, as the gentleman I am or was. But as I've mentioned before, I think because of the resentment I've been building up I feel less and less I want to do anything for her. Things like massages I'm not doing anymore and when she asks me I politely decline because I can't help but think "but what about me? you haven't seem to be caring about me and my needs at all lately, so why should I do anything for you?" I know this might sound selfish and I hate becoming this guy but this has been going on for a while now before it got to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Don't make kids with her unless this gets fixed. You have little investment in this marriage. I believe I'd flat out tell her a sexless marriage doesn't work for you. If she needs to see a shrink, they are in the phonebook. If she wants to go to counseling, they are in the phonebook. However she'd like to address the problem, you'll see significant improvement in 60 days or you're walking. If she doesn't feel like having sex maybe she feels like being divorced.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Jester said:


> An update on the situation currently.
> I've been starting to feel less and less inclined to be 'nice'. Meaning before I was a good guy, doing things like giving her massages because my wife would have frequent pains in her back. I would do these things for her with pleasure, not even worried about getting anything in return, as the gentleman I am or was. But as I've mentioned before, I think because of the resentment I've been building up I feel less and less I want to do anything for her. Things like massages I'm not doing anymore and when she asks me I politely decline because I can't help but think "but what about me? you haven't seem to be caring about me and my needs at all lately, so why should I do anything for you?" I know this might sound selfish and I hate becoming this guy but this has been going on for a while now before it got to this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not been mentioned in this thread, so I'll bring it up. Seriously consider doing a 180 on her: 
The Healing Heart: The 180

The goal isn't to spite her, be rude to her or hurt her. The goal is to give you sanity and allow you to focus on yourself. Often times this results in your spouse taking notice, and problems like yours often times fix themselves.

At the very least you will spend the next month or two getting more involved in what you love rather than focusing on what's wrong in your marriage/sex life.

In my case I channeled more energy into working out, and the results have been tremendous for me. Not just physically, but mentally I feel like I'm in a far better place just one month or so after starting to work out daily (except Saturdays).

Your not focusing on being a "nice guy" is a part of the 180 process, which is what brought it to mind.


----------

