# Marriage advice



## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

Let me apologize to begin with as this may be a long post but would appreciate it if some of you take the time to read it. My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years and together for 16 years. We have three boys. Ages 16, 8, and 2. Both work full time and have important jobs. I work for a municipality she is an operations manager for a pretty decent sized orthopedic practice. She deals with lots of people on a daily basis and most them being men. 

I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been a perfect husband over the years. But I work really hard and try to take care of us. We recently bought a new house so I usually come home from work to more work. While my wife generally does a lot with the kids. Recently we got into a huge argument and probably both said things we didn't mean. The day after the argument we had a civil conversation and she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. That really hurt me and really didn't know what to say. I don't want to split apart from my wife and told her that. I can't remember a time when I haven't been in love with my wife. She is my rock. Us guys act all tough and macho but when someone you love so much tells you something like that it hurts. I believe the kind of in love you are in with someone after being together so long is different than first meeting each other and falling in love. 

So I decided to work on myself some. I'm not always the happiest person in the world. My day starts really early and sometimes ends really late. Then you get home and have a hundred other things to do. I'm sure most of you understand what I'm talking about. 

I'm an affectionate person. I like touching and kissing and all that good stuff. I feel like my wife is sometimes the opposite. I remember when I really started to feel different about our relationship was when our second son was probably around 3-4 years old. She deals with a lot of people at work med reps, computer techs and etc. There was a computer tech she dealt with on regular basis and spent a lot of time with him at work. Going to lunch, he would take her places like the store and whatever on lunch. I would question it and she just always said he's married too. Ok two married individuals who are not married to each other spending lots of time together is just plain not right in my eyes. Still to this day that sits in the back of my mind. She came home the other day and was talking about the couple reps at work who were clearly flirting with her asking her to call them and they could go to lunch and what not. I don't blame them. My wife is gorgeous in my eyes but I don't think she sees it as they are flirting with her. To be honest sometimes I wish she would keep that stuff to herself. 

I always go out of my way to do something nice for her. Tell her she's looks good when we get out with friends and what not. But she very seldom does this to me. Our sex life is ok I guess. The sex is good but that's just it we just have sex. There's no romantic kissing or her touching me or anything. I give her a nice body and butt rub and kiss on her and I just get sex period! Yes I'm a butt guy. 

So I kind of feel like I love her, I'm in love with her, but not happy?? She said the other day in our talk after the fight she felt like a few years ago she felt like I wasn't in love her anymore, but she never said anything. I can't ever remember a day when I haven't been in love with her. 

So I can admit that in the past years of our marriage I haven't been a complete great husband and I told her that. So I've been working on me like I said. But that's just it me working on myself. Like seriously she needs to work on some things too but she told me she doesn't see it. I asked her if she could fall in love with me again and she said she didn't know. That was a week ago and it still weighing on me heavily. When I say that I'm in love with her but not happy I mean sometimes I feel like I'm really happy then sometimes it's like whatever. I guess I'm not sure how to explain it. I feel lost and like I'm putting on an act sometimes. Like today I'm here working on the house. She's gone with our youngest son to her friends house. She got all done up and said she'd be back later. Like ok see you later. I can't get it out of my head that she's not in love with me.


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

Also the other day after our fight I was listening to the local radio station and they had couples on there doing a marriage revitalizer coarse. The first task was to write down 30 things you love about each other and then share them with each other. So I thought to myself easy task for me. So I came up with 20 and before I finished the list I shared them with her. A week later I got nothing in return. Not even 1 thing


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

hate to say it, but sounds like she either is having an EA or seriously considering it. The extra attention she gets from others makes her feel special, in the way you did years ago. My suggestion is try to get both of you into counseling and hopefully she will find her true feelings for you overcome those special feelings she gets elsewhere.

The "I'm not in love with you" and "you made me feel like you no longer loved me years ago" are stereotypical remarks made by spouses when they have or want someone else.


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

That's what I said. But when I ask her if there is someone else she says no. If she going to have an affair or if someone else makes her feel better I would rather it be ended then for her to do that to me. Why wouldn't she just tell me. She gets mad and says I can't believe you would think that. Or she says the accuser is usually the one who has something to hide. What??


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

ILYBNILWY= translation: I'm having an affair!!!

Check her phone or ck the online bill and you'll find out pretty quick whose she's fvcking!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Pak300 said:


> That's what I said. But when I ask her if there is someone else she says no. If she going to have an affair or if someone else makes her feel better I would rather it be ended then for her to do that to me. Why wouldn't she just tell me. She gets mad and says I can't believe you would think that. Or she says the accuser is usually the one who has something to hide. What??


I bet her phone is password protected and never leaves her sight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

Phone is password protected, but I know the password. Yes lately phone is nowhere in sight. She also does spend a lot of time on her phone. I got ahold of her phone this morning and she found me going through it and got mad. But all text messages and phone calls were deleted. I don't know what to think anymore. She also made it clear if we split how I wouldn't be able to afford to live. She thought it was funny. I don't find any of this sh*t funny.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So she got your 2 yr old and went out all dressed up?

She is hiding somethign and getting your youngest involved.....thats just wrong!

I strongly suggest you quitly do your own investigation by getting GPS and a VAR and find out what she is getting your 2 yr old involved with.

Sorry man I have been here to long to know whats really going on.

Seriously man you need to get a few steps ahead of her instead of being several steps behind.

You need to know what you and your kids are up against before she stops coming home at all and she has your youngest with her.

Again...do your research and stop asking a bunch of questions she has no intent of telling you the truth to....while she setts her self up in replacing you.

At least when you know whats really going on you won't look so pitiful when her and her boyfrien are laughing behind your back while you tryy so hard to be the best husband ever.

#1 you have to know if she is cheating #2 if she does have another man...you can be the best husband ever and it won't mean shyt as long as the marriage is infected by someone else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sucks to have to spy on your old lady man but the reality is if you don't you will be blind sided with all kinds of crap you never saw coming....trust me, its time to get a few steps ahead of her.

Its been my experience to know whats realy going on now rather then waking up in the morning to take a piss and your penis stings so bad you think your going to die.

My point is if i'm right your old ladys behavior is putting you and even her youngest at risk.


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

Well I definetly suspect something is going on especially after this morning when she took her phone in the bathroom when she went to take a shower. That's when I went in and grabbed it and she got all mad and said she knew i was coming in there to get it. She never ever used to erase the stuff on her phone. Now she's erasing it?? I swear to god if there is someone else. I keep those thoughts to myself. She used to never wear make up. That is one of the things I love about her. How good she looked with nothing. Now when she left today she wore make up. I do track her on the gps on our iPhones. She is where she said she was going to her girlfriends house a few cities away. I check that gps a lot. My thing is if she is cheating then she does it at work. Because I check that gps probably 10-15 times a day. I feel like I'm trying to change for nothing like you all said.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car...dont forget the velcrow so it doesn't slide out from under her car seat.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Pak300 said:


> Phone is password protected, but I know the password. Yes lately phone is nowhere in sight. She also does spend a lot of time on her phone. I got ahold of her phone this morning and she found me going through it and got mad. But all text messages and phone calls were deleted. I don't know what to think anymore. She also made it clear if we split how I wouldn't be able to afford to live. She thought it was funny. I don't find any of this sh*t funny.



Back it up and run Dr Fone on the backup or run Dr Fone directly on it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Depending on your provider you can get a list of all numbers called and texted. I'm going to bet you'll find there is one number that shows up a few thousand times. It's also time to put a key logger on your computer. Not that any of this changes anything you already know something is up. No one hides their phone unless they've got something to hide. You are the victim but the sooner you stop playing the part the better. Read up on the 180 you'll find mentioned here quite often and see a divorce attorney to get educated about how you will fair in a divorce. Knowledge is power as they say. As someone who's been through much the same experience, I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. All the best.


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## 85GT-79FJ40 (Feb 13, 2016)

Sounds like you already have a strong suspicion she's seeing someone else. Tough place to be. If you confront her and that's not the case you're the un-trusting jerk. My wife recently told me after 20 years together than she doesn't love me any longer. Not romantic enough, didn't spend enough time with her, etc. All very true and I can't believe I didn't see the signs. I too am not always the most pleasant person to be around after a long stressful day. Yet I don't suspect she's fooling around. I still trust her completely. Maybe I'm a fool but I trust her completely and love her now more than ever. Just got to get her to love me back...


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

What was the fight about?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When i was going through this crap 6yrs ago I learned the best thing you can do is raise your attraction level and be indifferent toward her.

You need to be calm and have the confidence that you will not #1 share your wife and #2 let her go and move on.

Don't even let them see you cry and never tell them you want to 'work it out". I'm telling you she has her eye on someone else and until you gather the evidence and confront her she has to believe you are not on to her.

It's really important to have an effective confrontation to save this family of yours so listen.

It suck but we here at TAM can help in gather the evidence and confronting and as far a staying together after the truth comes out is up to the wayward spouse.

Right now you don't know if this is an exit affair or just some band aid she needs or if she is even having an affair period....and that's the thing here you are working in the dark and don't even know what you are fighting against, so how in the hell can you come up with a battle plan to save this family?

Again my adise for now is raise your attraction level by looking, good feeling (ya fake it for now) and be confident enough to let her go if need be....chicks love confident guys!!!!

The sooner you get her to second guess her choices and the sooner you make her think twice in what she is losing the better off you will be....so do a 180...no more "I love you" no more begging and NO MORE TALKING ABOUT USE!!!!

Hell go see a lawyer and inform her you are starting the process!

If she sees you letting go she may start to think that you won't be around if her new "thing" doesn't work out [1st you have to find out if there is a "thing] see she thinks its over cuz she thinks she can replace and it's a lot less guilt for her if she believes you guys are done, but once she start to figure out these guys are just using her then she may think twice.


its hard man.....it was 6 yrs ago today I confronted my old lady after a week of gathing proof...Feb 12th...my kids birthday.

How phucked is that...I finally was able to pull her phone out from under her pillow while she was passed out from drinking and screwing all night.....yep the night before our daughter's birthday she was out with her phuck buddy all night/helping a friend out bullshyt.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

PAK300, do you realize that the standard TAM answer is: your wife is having an affair.

Do you think it is the right move to spy on your wife at this stage of your relationship? Do you think it is going to build up your marriage?

Work on what you need to fix. Maybe work a little less and spend more time with her. But I would not start spying on her. It is a waste of time. You do not have much of it to start with. Use it wisely.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Duguesclin said:


> PAK300, do you realize that the standard TAM answer is: your wife is having an affair.
> 
> Do you think it is the right move to spy on your wife at this stage of your relationship? Do you think it is going to build up your marriage?
> 
> *Lets be real. She's guarding her phone and deleting history. Can you offer a more plausible explanation? He stated in the OP that he's offered to work on the marriage. She's the one not stepping up according to the information we've been given, which is another sign she's got other options. Have you lived through the exact same crap in your marriage? Some of us have so don't discount our real world advice.*


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Just trying to bring another perspective. OP admits the GPS does not show anything abnormal.

She is distancing from him. That is for sure. I doubt she will be very impressed nor would it build his relationship to spy on her.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, work on yourself. You know what you need to fix. Just do it.

If you save your marriage, great. If you don't, you will at least be ahead of the game for your next relationship.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. You don't have to have her phone. Pull up your account and look for a lot of calls/texts to a certain number. You'll know within 30 minutes.

There are huge red flags here.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Pak300 said:


> That's what I said. But when I ask her if there is someone else she says no. If she going to have an affair or if someone else makes her feel better I would rather it be ended then for her to do that to me. Why wouldn't she just tell me. She gets mad and says I can't believe you would think that. Or she says the accuser is usually the one who has something to hide. What??


Of course she says no! Do you expect her to tell you the truth? She's a cheater, and they lie like a rug!
:wtf:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> PAK300, do you realize that the standard TAM answer is: your wife is having an affair.
> 
> Do you think it is the right move to spy on your wife at this stage of your relationship? Do you think it is going to build up your marriage?
> 
> Work on what you need to fix. Maybe work a little less and spend more time with her. But I would not start spying on her. It is a waste of time. You do not have much of it to start with. Use it wisely.


That's because it's an accurate call @ 90% of the time. All you have to do is scroll through the threads. 

All the work in the world will not matter if there is another man in the mix. If there is that's the priority.

Most of the folks here are not that naive.

A quick 30 minute review of your online phone bill will tell one way or the other.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Duguesclin said:


> Just trying to bring another perspective. OP admits the GPS does not show anything abnormal.
> 
> She is distancing from him. That is for sure. I doubt she will be very impressed nor would it build his relationship to spy on her.


:wtf:

The reason the GPS doesn't show anything is that she is cheating on him at work.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Pak300 said:


> But I work really hard and try to take care of us.


That's not nearly enough.



Pak300 said:


> Recently we got into a huge argument and probably both said things we didn't mean. The day after the argument we had a civil conversation and she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore.


Exercise restraint. Don't say things that hurt the person you supposedly love so much. Words leave scars. They can drive a person away and into the arms of someone else, which is apparently what has happened here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

technovelist said:


> :wtf:
> 
> The reason the GPS doesn't show anything is that she is cheating on him at work.


Her friend could be helping her.

Letting her know you suspect her makes your job harder.

You're undercover, act like it.

She may not be cheating but she's following the cheater script to a tee.


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

So where to start on an update. Things have been pretty good until this past Friday night. I've been working a lot because of the weather. I came home was super tired had dinner and had a few drinks. While we were watching tv the kids weren't around and she started to talk about some of our past. I said why are we talking about this? She told me because she couldn't get it out of her mind. Then she proceeded to say how it could be two weeks, two months or 2 years and she could possibly leave me. Ok about the past remember you were the one that said you weren't in love with me anymore. I didn't say that, but that's what I thought. So on my two day weekend this is what I've thought about. I've been a little moody also. Because my mind is running like a hamster on a wheel. I'm working and trying to do my part but she is just still the same old her. Keeps her phone hidden, her laptop computer protected, and spends lots of time with her face buried in her phone and she is the one with a Facebook page. She's told me before she didn't want me to have a Facebook page. Wtf? I kinda of feel like I'm being pushed away and starting to distant myself. Also feel like I'm starting to fall out of love with her. I tried to tell her before and after Friday night, that when she says stuff like that, that's all my mind revolves around. Does she love me? What can I do to make her love me? Why doesn't she complement me at all? Is she going to leave me? I'm confused. So I go from being happy, to depressed and stressed out. I'm almost to the point to tell her I'm done.


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## Pak300 (Feb 13, 2016)

I also checked the phone bill and the numbers that were called a lot checked out on who it was. But that phone bill was before all of this happened. So I will have to check the next one.


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