# Advice Please - Options? Am I being selfish? What else could I do?



## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Okay. I am going to try to put my story down here and be open to criticism (even from Machievelli whose responses are scary harsh). 

I have been married before.
He left me after 7 years together, 5 married, for another woman.
There were no kids.

I met this husband online, were in contact for a year, helped him visit my country where he proposed and then I helped him get over here on work and visit visas. He promised many things. Most didn't pan out (i.e., when I didn't really want to take his name, he said he would take mine - this never happened, and I have unofficially taken his name in some situations but kinda kept mine too).
We were engaged for a year. We got pregnant on my timetable (I really wanted kids, and he was willing to start right away). We have had 2 together. The oldest is now 5, the youngest 3. 
My husband is younger than me by 7 years.

I really did care for him at the beginning. I loved him in a way that I did not love my first husband. I don't know exactly when that started to be in trouble. However, I know it was in the first 2 or 3 years. We had some shared interests, and then he stopped being interested in things.

My dad got cancer and died 8 months later. I was 5 months pregnant when he died with the second child. My husband went into a black depression about the same time. Quit school. He has since been diagnosed by the GP with an anxiety disorder, and is medicated.

I worked very hard to support my family, my mom, and my husband during all of this. I know that it affected me, but I thought that I had been okay. 
When my mat leave was over, I didn't want to go back to work. I felt a mess. My mother told me she thought I had post partum. I went to a therapist, got diagnosed - I had depression and c-ptsd, it seems, due to untreated sexual assault in my youth and manifested in the death of my dad. Therapist also told me that my husband is abusive and that, if I left him, I had a much much better chance of coming out of the depression and having a happy life. 

I can't see how he is abusive. He doesn't hit. He doesn't call names. He doesn't control things. He is lazy. Does minimal work. Sleeps all the time. Yells at my daughter in a way that makes me uncomfortable for no good reason some times, and makes her unhappy ("Mommy, maybe we don't have to get daddy to come to my birthday party... he likes his sleeping and quiet times"). Complains that we don't spend time together (but he works shifts, and when he is home and not working when I am home and not working - as I work 10-6 about an hour away from home - he choses to sleep all day or play video games on his smartphone and computer or xbox). 

Sometimes he is good, but mostly he is absent. He can watch the kids (his definition of this is putting the baby gates up on the room and napping on the couch with the tv on and their toys). I do barn chores and house chores... I am exausted from the lack of help and the disproportion of the labour. We are not evenly yolked. 
I have talked to him about this, and he is good for 24-48 hours in helping me with my stuff... and he has started to help in the bathroom one day a week (though he recleaned stuff I had cleaned... as in, I don't think he can actually tell what is clean or not but just does things by rote), remembers weekly garbages but refuses to empty garbages daily (I ask for only daily garbage emptying, weekly garbage to the curb, and taking care of dog food and dog outs when he is home - but daily garbage and reliably doing dogs is too much). He has put effort into learning how to fold laundry. And he has been known to put the dishes through the dishwasher. I can't count on him to do it though. And I don't need him to be doing my chores... I want him to have his chores to do... like cleaning up the outside of the house (say, if a bag of recycles goes blowing across the field, he should pick it all up and put it back, not leave it to rot or not rot and just look ugly and until I go get it), or doing house repairs which are desperately needed. 

He promised to get a wall replastered for me before Christmas of last year. He promised in Feb and never touched it. I asked a few times.

When I ask, I get push back. He says he doesn't yell, which is true in some context... he doesn't scream... but he gets moody, grumpy, makes it a fight... he does raise his voice, and such conversations end with him in bed having a cool down.

I think that two people with depression are not necessarily able to help each other, especially since I do 85% of the work, the helping. I think I am a mother figure to him, and, like Oepidus, he likes to have sex with this mother figure. 

So...

Futher complication on my part? He has told me that I am not allowed to talk about this any more with my mom. For the record, I blatently ignored that. I need to be able to talk about it. I have, however, toned it down. I keep her informed as to why I am upset/why he isn't around (i.e., he's sleeping). But, oddly, my husband has told me that I can talk to my friends at work. I have one friend (male) and a handful of aquaintences.
I had a friend (female) who doesn't work there anymore, and we're very bad at being in contact. So, he says that male friend (MF) is the one person he is okay with me talking to. He says he thinks MF is gay anywya. MF isn't gay. He has a beautiful girlfriend who is the best woman I have ever heard of to the point of being beyond real, having money, helping the disadvantaged, being really smart, oh, and incredibly beautiful.
They are buying a house and talking about kids.

MF listens well. Isn't interested in me though (who'd blame him with all of that), but sadly, I think I've started to crush on him. Gah, the guy listens and understands... and I'm an utter idiot.

So. 
That is where I am.
I'm starting therapy tomorrow again. This time, it is a couples therapy thing that is stage 3 in my working with husband to get him involved. 1) he had to do a bioscreen to see if he had biological reasons for being asleep all of the time and so angry and irritable. 2) if no bio reason found, go to GP and get meds adjusted - this has been done, and now, rather than always only sleeping, he also is awake at random times and playing video games. 3) get us back into therapy - him, me and us. 

I feel at this point that it is too little too late. I had been clear, I thought, that this was important to me and his committment to this would be looked at as how much he wanted to make things work with us. I started to push for this in September. It is April now, and it has been so long, and so much pushing, and doing it for him (i.e., making the appointments, following up with him, having my mom drive him there). 

I kinda want out. I want to scream. I want to send him away. His touch makes my skin crawl if I can't put in my head a picture of someone else. I am crying way way too much... trying not to at work, trying to find places that are safe to outside of work... like my commute. Thank goodness it is so long. I can have a good cry and have my eyes better by the time I get home.

I need help. What to do? What should I do?

I still care for him. I think being friends after this will be important for our kids. But, omg, I have started to hate him, and he doesn't deserve that. 

Please... advice... anything...
I think I am selfish, maybe. 
But I don't think I'm fair to him here either, cuz he can be wonderful and fun and thoughtful... he's not terribly reliable, but his spontanaity is good... he's not good with money, but he is generous when he has it... 

And leaving willl be so logistically complicated, and it will cause a great deal of hardship financially to both of us (which impacts the kids)

Please help me.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

It is my opinion (please don't take this the wrong way) that you are being a little irrational and should not even consider divorce at this time. Basically it boils down to him not helping around the house enough...that is no reason to divorce. Consider the effect on your finances, your children, yourself, your husband, the families. It is extremely unlikely that you will have an amicable divorce. Look at it from your husband's perspective- why would he want to be friends with someone that is willing to hurt all of the parties involved for something as trite as housework and yardwork?

There are some great resources out there that can help people in your situation. I have heard good things about Retrovaille (not sure spelling, try google). I have heard good things about these books- His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Thank you for even replying! Don't worry. See, why I wanted to put this up here ... was that I am not good at guaging. Your opinion is valuable, and honest, so thank you!


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

This is one of those issues I can personally relate to. Me and my wife had it often. The thing was, I didn't care nearly as much as her about things like housework, yard work, and repairs. It just isn't important to me...I'm not a slob, but I don't need everything to always be spotless and up to date. I would rather spend my free time working out, sleeping, or reading other than cleaning. This may sound weird to you, but if I lived alone, I would never shovel another driveway. It always struck me as a total waste of time, given that the snow will eventually melt. Same theory as making the bed.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

May I suggest, as a counter arguement, that mess is a relative term. We're not talking about him not making the bed. We're not talking about a house that is spotless and up to date. We are in an old home where the lino is up in large patches and there are massive holes in the walls where lathe and plaster show... where he promised to finish a project he started repairing an old wall, and stopped after one coat of plaster, no sanding, no second coat, never finished. We're talking about us both working, having one weekend in two together, and him choosing to sleep that whole weekend, while I do everything else. BUT, I also know he's a very good man who is trying. He is starting to do things like laundry and dishes... I think the therapy will help. Cuz we're going into therapy... well, I've been in it a while, and he dropped his therapist and will now be going to mine. We thought, for the longest time, that his sleep need which is insatiable had a biological basis... but he gets energized for work and thigns out of the house... I have suggested to him that there may be something he's not dealing with that keeps him from engaging in the house, from finding something about the house worth waking up for... And they're going to work on that for a bit. We'll see how that goes. 

I want a house without open sockets and drain holes from old toilets covered by a small rug in the middle of the hallway... we have 2 small children, and this can't be safe. I want a world where we spend our money on food, not beer and video games. 

And the shoveling of the driveway, to me, is one of those acts of sysiphus (sp?) too. But, since winter starts in November and the snow is still falling in April, sometimes one needs to shovel pathway to be able to move through the snow at all... i.e., when it reaches two feet high, its falling in my boots and taller than the 2 year old... I can only carry 2 kids on my body to the car with bags in waist deep snow without getting cranky for a few weeks...


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

It does sound reasonable that you would want to get these major issues fixed. But it also sounds extremely unreasonable that you are considering a divorce based on these issues. Truthfully, housework and repairs are trivial as compared to divorce.

I think it might be time to stop talking to the guy you have a crush on. Just tell him you need to work on your marriage and you can't be having entanglements with the opposite sex even if they are platonic. A few weeks away from talking to him and you might be able to see more clearly.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

That is totally a fair statement. Something I am trying to do, although, more like trying to limit conversation solely to work, as we have to interact for work, BUT. Yah. I am attempting the a) no extra stuff and b) the if that doesn't work, find a new job path.

Thank you, again, for your honesty.


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