# I just don't know if I can do this...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Six months after d-day, I still feel like I'm in limbo. I feel cursed for life. Does anyone else feel this way? I see older couples and I think I just don't want to grow old with him anymore. He's a stranger to me, I emotionally feel dead toward him. He kept his ONS from me for nine years. We had been married for eight years, had two small kids. How do you sleep with a stranger and come back home and pretend to be my best friend for almost a decade? Then he has an EA with a coworker that he downplays now. I know this ended about four years ago, but I still question it. He gave me HPV! He still won't budge, claims it was from a BJ during ONS. I'm not a fool anymore. I don't know how I'll live life with him with these lingering doubts. Counselor says I'll never know exactly what happened and what good would it do me? I dunno... I feel like I have a right to know no matter how badly it hurts. He's become suicidal, he obviously feels tormented by our situation. I'd say he's trying, even apologized to my parents in an extremely heartfelt way, but he can't deal with my emotions and explodes. He will read books, go to counseling. He thinks I should be over this by now, though or at least be trying to live normally. He doesn't understand it is on my mind continually. Constantly wondering what to do, feel trapped. I'm a SAHM, two kids in very transitional years. Oldest has admitted she knows he cheated on me. This torments me, too. I've sent out thirty resumes, nobody wants me. I have too big a gap in my employment! I feel screwed on so many levels. Finances are tight, I have some issues with that. There is no connection, I can't look at him during sex. I feel like he stole my life from me, tainted all the memories of us as a family. I cried the other day just passing a playground, our kids are growing up and I think back and think all those years he had already cheated on me. Please tell me others feel this way, too. I feel so alone and trapped. I've been trying, he tries to hold my hand and stuff like that. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. Do you ever have peace or is this indeed a curse?
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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, I am sorry to hear your story. You sound like you have a lot of resentment that is controlling how you feel now. Your H has "become suicidal"? Was he like this before? I am sure you don't need to be dealing with that in addition to the infidelity.....

9 years of lying??!! Good Lord. Yeah, its pretty normal to feel like you do after something like that. I am surprised you CAN sleep with him at this point! Especially if he is downplaying things. 

How do you feel in limbo? Did you agree to R and now you are having second thoughts?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Listen, don't give up. I applied for seven years for this job. SEVEN YEARS. When I get it I go to another city for orientation and stay in a hotel. During my orientation day I called my wife seven times while she laid naked with a guy. I was so excited and did not know she was into an affair. Then I come home on Friday and she has sex with me a few hours after she had sex with the OM for the second time that week. When I found out I wanted to quit my job. There are days i still do. I just got my second evaluation (my mid-year) and it was excellent. I do not have joy about this job because my cheating wife stole it from me. But I am hanging in there and it is going great in spite of my mental anguish.

Try being a professional counselor who has to deal with cheating husbands and wives. Because in my line of work it comes with the territory. During one session I almost had to leave. The client was talking about his cheating wife and he looked at me and said, oh, you are thinking of your dad (my dad died in February), as I was upset. I said yea, and got my composure back. 

I am working on R but it is tough.

Keep plugging away. I want to quit as well but don't. 

And don't short change yourself on the job hunt. It is tough out there and you can do it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Wow, I am sorry to hear your story. You sound like you have a lot of resentment that is controlling how you feel now. Your H has "become suicidal"? Was he like this before? I am sure you don't need to be dealing with that in addition to the infidelity.....
> 
> 9 years of lying??!! Good Lord. Yeah, its pretty normal to feel like you do after something like that. I am surprised you CAN sleep with him at this point! Especially if he is downplaying things.
> 
> How do you feel in limbo? Did you agree to R and now you are having second thoughts?


He became suicidal after d-day. He's on meds now, but he has moments. I have to be careful what I say, it's like I can't vent my feelings anymore for fear he'll hurt himself. He downplays the EA now, acts like I've made it out to be more than it was. He has owned up to the ONS and BJ, but personally I still question if it was actually intercourse. I'm not sure about R. I just feel trapped. He wants to stay together, I'm just not sure I can do it. How do you live with someone you can't trust? I feel like my life has been a huge lie, wasted. This past six months has aged me so badly, too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't say nobody wants you because it's simply not true. Find what your passion is that you have skills in and for heaven's sake, don't send a resume like everyone else is doing with no success. Don't beat yourself up for all of your sahm work. It is valid. I have recently had to look at myself and see what skills I have as a sahm, too. I found so many great books and websites, like the parachute book, or Guerrilla Marketing for Job Hunters, or Don't Send a Resume, lol. Job bait is a great website with lots of info (it says it's for ceos but the information applies to all. Unfortunately the guy died his year, but he is the real deal as he talked to little ole me for no charge two months before he passed). You ARE valuable!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Listen, don't give up. I applied for seven years for this job. SEVEN YEARS. When I get it I go to another city for orientation and stay in a hotel. During my orientation day I called my wife seven times while she laid naked with a guy. I was so excited and did not know she was into an affair. Then I come home on Friday and she has sex with me a few hours after she had sex with the OM for the second time that week. When I found out I wanted to quit my job. There are days i still do. I just got my second evaluation (my mid-year) and it was excellent. I do not have joy about this job because my cheating wife stole it from me. But I am hanging in there and it is going great in spite of my mental anguish.
> 
> Try being a professional counselor who has to deal with cheating husbands and wives. Because in my line of work it comes with the territory. During one session I almost had to leave. The client was talking about his cheating wife and he looked at me and said, oh, you are thinking of your dad (my dad died in February), as I was upset. I said yea, and got my composure back.
> 
> ...


Crap Thorburn. I didn't know that about your job. Talk about triggers. I'm sending you hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

me2pointoh said:


> Don't say nobody wants you because it's simply not true. Find what your passion is that you have skills in and for heaven's sake, don't send a resume like everyone else is doing with no success. Don't beat yourself up for all of your sahm work. It is valid. I have recently had to look at myself and see what skills I have as a sahm, too. I found so many great books and websites, like the parachute book, or Guerrilla Marketing for Job Hunters, or Don't Send a Resume, lol. Job bait is a great website with lots of info (it says it's for ceos but the information applies to all. Unfortunately the guy died his year, but he is the real deal as he talked to little ole me for no charge two months before he passed). You ARE valuable!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! I guess my self esteem is really down right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh, and counselor says I just have to accept my life wasn't what I thought it was and move on. How do you do that?!? Half my marriage, half my life was a lie! I can't even look at pics of the family around the house without thinking here he knew, I did not. This makes him mad. He doesn't understand this at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> He became suicidal after d-day. He's on meds now, but he has moments. I have to be careful what I say, it's like I can't vent my feelings anymore for fear he'll hurt himself. He downplays the EA now, acts like I've made it out to be more than it was. He has owned up to the ONS and BJ, but personally I still question if it was actually intercourse. I'm not sure about R. I just feel trapped. He wants to stay together, I'm just not sure I can do it. How do you live with someone you can't trust? I feel like my life has been a huge lie, wasted. This past six months has aged me so badly, too.


This is not good. You should be able to express yourself. Its hard when you are angry, but you have to find a way to CALMLY state your case. Anyone would feel trapped (manipulated) if their SO magically became suicidal after dday. You can do anything you set your mind to--give yourself a break, and some time. Things will work out ok in the end for you, no matter what the outcome. You may have lost faith in your marriage, but don't lose faith in yourself.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I think his severe depression is cause there is more guilt there, he's still hiding stuff. He's afraid to come clean at this point. He also made a bad move financially when all this went down and it is killing us. Really, I'm beyond overwhelmed and trying to keep it together for my kids as they prepare to go to new schools next year. I just don't know how long I can keep this together...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> This is not good. You should be able to express yourself. Its hard when you are angry, but you have to find a way to CALMLY state your case. Anyone would feel trapped (manipulated) if their SO magically became suicidal after dday. You can do anything you set your mind to--give yourself a break, and some time. Things will work out ok in the end for you, no matter what the outcome. You may have lost faith in your marriage, but don't lose faith in yourself.


I do feel it's a bit of manipulation. He's played with my head for years, including the trickle truth crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Six months after d-day, I still feel like I'm in limbo. I feel cursed for life. Does anyone else feel this way? I see older couples and I think I just don't want to grow old with him anymore. He's a stranger to me, I emotionally feel dead toward him. He kept his ONS from me for nine years. We had been married for eight years, had two small kids. How do you sleep with a stranger and come back home and pretend to be my best friend for almost a decade? Then he has an EA with a coworker that he downplays now. I know this ended about four years ago, but I still question it. He gave me HPV! He still won't budge, claims it was from a BJ during ONS. I'm not a fool anymore. I don't know how I'll live life with him with these lingering doubts. Counselor says I'll never know exactly what happened and what good would it do me? I dunno... I feel like I have a right to know no matter how badly it hurts. He's become suicidal, he obviously feels tormented by our situation. I'd say he's trying, even apologized to my parents in an extremely heartfelt way, but he can't deal with my emotions and explodes. He will read books, go to counseling. He thinks I should be over this by now, though or at least be trying to live normally. He doesn't understand it is on my mind continually. Constantly wondering what to do, feel trapped. I'm a SAHM, two kids in very transitional years. Oldest has admitted she knows he cheated on me. This torments me, too. I've sent out thirty resumes, nobody wants me. I have too big a gap in my employment! I feel screwed on so many levels. Finances are tight, I have some issues with that. There is no connection, I can't look at him during sex. I feel like he stole my life from me, tainted all the memories of us as a family. I cried the other day just passing a playground, our kids are growing up and I think back and think all those years he had already cheated on me. Please tell me others feel this way, too. I feel so alone and trapped. I've been trying, he tries to hold my hand and stuff like that. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. Do you ever have peace or is this indeed a curse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so sorry that you are going through this. It destroys a person from the ground up. Rebuilding will take from 18 month to 5 years or more and you can't rush the process. Your H just wants it all to go away, but it won't. It must be faced so that trust can be rebuilt. He has to help with that. He can't run away like Miss Muffet when you ask for information or want to talk about how this is affecting you. It doesn't sound like your counselor has had much experience with infidelity? If that is so, you may have to find one who does.Your H needs to understand what this has done to you, and he needs to be able to help you heal. He isn't there for you right now, he's making this about him. Your feelings are quite normal unfortunately. If you are in joint counseling it might be wise for him to seek an experienced individual counselor to help him deal with his inability to manage this situation that he has created for himself. I wish you good luck and hugs.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Oh, and counselor says I just have to accept my life wasn't what I thought it was and move on. How do you do that?!? Half my marriage, half my life was a lie! I can't even look at pics of the family around the house without thinking here he knew, I did not. This makes him mad. He doesn't understand this at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh Yeah you need another counselor! Does this person smack vets in the face and tell them to man up after their fourth tour?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Oh Yeah you need another counselor! Does this person smack vets in the face and tell them to man up after their fourth tour?


Ya, our insurance sucks. We're both seeing different in network counselors within the same facility. His counselor told him last time that my husband can't possibly do anymore for me and mine told me I have punished him long enough?!? I needed to pray to forgive him. We were seeing a MC, but quickly went thru cash we didn't have. It was not covered on our insurance. She kinda had the same mind set, too. Blew off my issues with the length of time of the deception. It was almost a full decade! She also told me I didn't need to know if he really slept with his coworker. That I just need to accept he cheated and if I wanted to stay married I had to let that go. Same with the ONS, BJ versus intercourse. I feel I should know how I got the HPV after 13 years of marriage! She said this in front of him right after d-day and I think it did alot of damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Good counselors are hard to find. It is my opinion that a counselor suggesting you don't need to know or what good would it do is just a rug sweeper like a cheating spouse. I wouldn't waste my money on a counselor that dismisses my feelings so easily. 
Hang in there, I know it is hard. I'm 8 months into this nightmare and I still have bad days. I'm doing better, recently got a new job, but the hurt is still with me 24/7.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

We have all been through this, hurting badly.

I think you are feeling helpless and worse, hopless. Bad.
You should go to a good therapist.

How is he otherwise? I hear you saying he was apologetic. Was he remorseful? How did you discover?

Since the DDay it has been 4 years. By now, you should have atleast come to terms with his affair. Since you are unable to cope up with his A, there is something really wrong in your relationship.

Get to MC.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Ya, our insurance sucks. We're both seeing different in network counselors within the same facility. His counselor told him last time that my husband can't possibly do anymore for me and mine told me I have punished him long enough?!? I needed to pray to forgive him. We were seeing a MC, but quickly went thru cash we didn't have. It was not covered on our insurance. She kinda had the same mind set, too. Blew off my issues with the length of time of the deception. It was almost a full decade! She also told me I didn't need to know if he really slept with his coworker. That I just need to accept he cheated and if I wanted to stay married I had to let that go. Same with the ONS, BJ versus intercourse. I feel I should know how I got the HPV after 13 years of marriage! She said this in front of him right after d-day and I think it did alot of damage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You absolutely should have that information if you need it to heal. These IC people seem to be doing more harm than good. I hope that the facility that employs them has an evaluation process available to the client. That is probably why he is not taking responsibility for his actions, and until he does you can't trust him, and you can't move on. There is a book by Dr Frank Pittman Called Private Lies, that addresses the silliness going on in the cheaters mind and how to cut through it. I found it a lot more helpful then his IC. Her approach was that I should just swallow my pain and carry him around on a velvet pillow because the stress might " adversely affect his job". I pointed out to him that the stress of me packing his bags might have a pretty adverse effect on his job too. I reminded him that he wasn't all that concerned about his job while he was having sex with her on company time, so I wasn't going to accept it as an excuse to run away from his responsibility to help with the repairs, no matter what his IC thought. I don't know what the deal is when it comes to ICs enabling males to revert to a lower rung on the evolutionary ladder with reference to cheating. Maybe it's a hold over from the nineteenth century.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Oh, and counselor says I just have to accept my life wasn't what I thought it was and move on. How do you do that?!? Half my marriage, half my life was a lie! I can't even look at pics of the family around the house without thinking here he knew, I did not. This makes him mad. He doesn't understand this at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The counselor is correct. You can't undo the past and you do need to come to terms with it. And you do have to move on. If the counselor meant not dealing with the past then he/she has a wrong approach. I would ask the counselor if he/she has a credit card. When he/she says yes, then say, OK, you get a bill for $15,000.00 and normally the bill is around $100.00 tops. There are several charges that are wrong and some are whoppers. When he/she calls the credit card company they tell him/her yea, we know, someone else used your card, but, hey don't worry about it, just pay the bill, and move on. I am sure the counselor will have questions about why he/she is being charged and would want to know the details. But hey, all it matters is that he/she was ripped off and it is in the past, so move on Mr/Mrs. counselor. Don't sweat the details. How do you do you move on? Welcome to the club of the hurt and wounded. You take a day at a time and sometimes a minute at a time. And you get a double dose of crap because your H has mental problems and can't even begin to help you through this and he is the one who caused it all. On top of this you get a triple dose of crap because of your finances and insurance.

You need answers and you need mental stability. Unfortunately they do not come as quickly as you want. Many of us are dealing with similar crap. Moments we are up and other times we are way down and want to crawl into a dark hole. All I can say is that TAM has been a blessing for me and I have gotten kicked in the pants, hugged, loved and encouraged. All from strangers who care.

Remember 911, when the Twin Towers fell. I was on Active Duty in a small town in PA, I was getting a unit ready to go to Kosovo. I could not believe it when someone yelled down the hall saying the U.S. is under attack. It changed our world, our sense of security. Do you remember the scenes of people covered in soot, looking lost. Well that is us. We survived but we are the walking wounded, the lost, and it takes a while to find our way out of the clouds of dust and debri.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> We have all been through this, hurting badly.
> 
> I think you are feeling helpless and worse, hopless. Bad.
> You should go to a good therapist.
> ...


No, d-day was 6 months ago. His EA lasted about two years, 2006-2008. I knew he was too close to her, kept asking and he kept denying anything. Then I tested positive for HPV in 2008, by the next year it had cleared. She suddenly stopped talking to him around that time. For the next four years I begged him to explain the HPV, finally I couldn't take it anymore and threatened him with a polygraph after he gave me some lame story about kissing a girl on a business trip. He then confessed to a drunken BJ from some stranger after a business party out of town in 2003. He claims that is the only way I could have gotten HPV and that he never touched the coworker. He will admit he got too close to her and didn't have proper boundaries in place. He can't explain why 2003 happened. He says he was drunk and she offered. His buddy was there, too. He says he hid it for fear I'd leave him. Since the trickle truth of the kiss story he hasn't budged on his story even though it doesn't add up. We're having a bad night. I think it's about over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Oh, and counselor says I just have to accept my life wasn't what I thought it was and move on. How do you do that?!? Half my marriage, half my life was a lie! I can't even look at pics of the family around the house without thinking here he knew, I did not. This makes him mad. He doesn't understand this at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I hope your therapist wasn't as glib as that. It just ain't that easy. I remember feeling that my whole life was a lie. That wasn't correct; it just wasn't what I thought it was. The real question is what will the rest of you life be? It's yours to decide. If you can get your mind around that, it's very liberating.


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