# Obese Husband Would Rather Masturbate...



## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

Hi all,
I had posted last night, but didnt get any replies, and probably due to the crazy length of my post. So Im going to cut thru the chase and try to get my concerns across with alot less words.
My husband is morbidly obese. 5'11", 380lbs. We have sex maybe, every 3-4 months. When we do, he oftentimes cannot orgasm. He says its because he tires out before he gets there. My thoughts are its because he masturbates because it is easier. He used to watch porn, but says that is less frequent now. Im not sure. But I know that when he doesnt M, he orgasms alot more quickly.
If I get on top to help keep him from tiring out, I cant do it long because its painful to spread myself across him due to his size.
Another problem is that I dont initiate. Im not all that physically attracted to him, but I do try to ignore that fact because I just love him. But somehow I want more sex. Id like it once a week, or even every 2 weeks. 
So, should I start initiating even when I know he probably wont orgasm? Sometimes Im scared he might have a darn heart attack with how much he exerts himself during it!
How do I make myself feel more attracted to him so that I WILL initiate? 
How do you get past the size to explore different positions if almost everything is uncomfortable? 
I know his weight could be a factor with why he rarely wants sex, and I know masturbation is just easier for him, but it ticks me off because I feel like the M has taken over and he'd rather just do that instead of try with me. Because its what he has always done. 
He used to watch porn ALOT. Daily. And I would be so hurt because he did that instead of coming to me. And he could still be doing that some. I asked him about it, and he said it is much less frequent now.
Advice? ANything at all. Im feeling sad about our situation.
I know he loves me, and I love him, but the love I feel is starting to feel more like how I would love a friend.
I need more intimacy.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Your husband need to see a dietician. Being 380 pounds (except if he is a WWE wrestler or Sumo wrestler) will make him very vulnerable to health problems including diabetes and sex problems. 

I know many men who likes adult erotica films and still able to have sex with wife with no problem at all because they are healthy, not obese and has no problem in the marriage (one of the sign is that they watch the adult erotica films together with their wives regularly).

So, persuade him to see a dietician soon. It is for his own benefit.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

John, if only it were that simple. He knows he needs to lose weight, knows the risk factors and all that. But just telling an obese person to lose weight does not work. They have to be mentally ready to change. I know because I was obese most of my life, and finally lost all the weight last year. People telling me what I needed to do didnt work. I had to mentally make the change within myself. Its hard to understand if youve never had a serious weight issue.
But i do tell him im scared for him. Food is an addiction for him, as it is with alot of obese people.
He does want to lose weight, but as with any addict, he isnt ready yet.
I know his weight has alot to.do with this, yet if he can M, why not save it for me?


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

I also believed that by me losing all my weight, it might make him more interested in sex with me. And make him want to get healthy also. But no.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

nicky3791 said:


> I know his weight has alot to.do with this, yet if he can M, why not save it for me? ...(snip)...I also believed that by me losing all my weight, it might make him more interested in sex with me. And make him want to get healthy also. But no.


I understant. I am fat too, and cannot seem to lose all the excess weight despite all the training and exercise. Progress came in very little gains. Have to work very very hard just to lose a few kilograms. Now I am 90kg, used to be 95kg and now still trying hard to go back to 80kg.

And I agree.. watching porn to get hard is like one thing, but masturbating to porn until orgasm, is very ridiculous if there is a wife ready to utilize the hard-earned erection to the fullest. Why waste an erection to nothing. That is very rude of him. He should not masturbate if you are ready and willing to fulfill his desires.

May I ask, what about your foreplay with him? fellatio etc? If you do those to him, does he gets hard? Could he get an orgasm through manual stimulation or fellatio?


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

John, yes he can get an erection if i do those things or even dress up for him in lingerie. But he wont O from oral or hand stimulation from me. Not once in 9 years has he been able to. I would love it if he were able to.
I also have to inject here that he was a virgin when we met. He was 37. So u can see how he grew accustomed to watching porn to get off.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

nicky3791 said:


> John, yes he can get an erection if i do those things or even dress up for him in lingerie. But he wont O from oral or hand stimulation from me. Not once in 9 years has he been able to. I would love it if he were able to.
> I also have to inject here that he was a virgin when we met. He was 37. So u can see how he grew accustomed to watching porn to get off.


I see. It's admirable of you for trying hard for him, very very admirable.

So he was a 37 years old virgin before marrying you? Which means, if I may conjecture, he has been "wired" since teenage years to masturbate, because he never formed normal relations with real-life female before with you? 

That is very sad. It means there are a lot of things to undo, "cables to rewire", etc. That does sounds like lots of counselling and therapy. 

But, do not lose hope yet, I still think it is not impossible for him to become normal (able to orgasm with you). With adequate willpower, it is not a wall that is too high to climb. 

Now the trick is to cultivate his willpower, to make things better for your marriage. 

However, If he is totally lacking the willingness to make things better, then, sorry to say, but I think separation is the better option.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Great job on losing your weight.The porn has nothing to do with it first off . Your husbad is ashamed of his body and he knows you think its ugly also so I am sure he is feeling getting off by myself means I don't have to have anybody else in the room judging me.Hev mostlikly dojust want sex over as quick as possible so her does not have to look at himself nude because there is no lying to yourself when you are nude and mabe see yourself in the mirror.

First off you need to bring back the touching and foreplay and take charge and even if you don't tell him you want him and love him and what you are going to do,because he lacks confidence,telll him he is going to give you oral until tell him to stop. The have books now and websites that show diiferent postions larger size people can use when having sex, it seem like you being on top should work in reverse cowby[facing away from him] you can just sit down on his penis. and since you are now in great shape you could really get into it.Get lube so you can finish him off with HJs if he can't go on or tell him you want to see him get himself off and wrap your hand around his while he strokes.If you fake it he think things are great so show him what you want but don't tell him you are faking and when he ask why you did not O tell him you need more of this or that and he will be doing it [NOW]

I am not saying gain your weight back and I am sure you are sexy as heck,but your husband also has to see how you have changed and I am sure he is comparing himself and is down on himself because he feels he can't do it,you are a reminder to him about his body. 

You are right with any addiction the person has got to want to do it,but maybe there is a support group for spouses of obese people that can give you tips some like over eater anonymous. Do you do the shopping? if you do stop buying the bad foods and drinks and if he wants them tell him he can go get them which a lot of people will not do.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> Hi all,
> I had posted last night, but didnt get any replies, and probably due to the crazy length of my post. So Im going to cut thru the chase and try to get my concerns across with alot less words.
> My husband is morbidly obese. 5'11", 380lbs. We have sex maybe, every 3-4 months. When we do, he oftentimes cannot orgasm. He says its because he tires out before he gets there. My thoughts are its because he masturbates because it is easier. He used to watch porn, but says that is less frequent now. Im not sure. But I know that when he doesnt M, he orgasms alot more quickly.
> If I get on top to help keep him from tiring out, I cant do it long because its painful to spread myself across him due to his size.
> ...


It's entirely possible. I'm the same height and I was all the way to 40 lbs less than him. I developed sleep apnea, high blood pressure and after treating those, diabetes. 

In one year, I have lost 70 lbs, improved my BP and now my blood sugar is not far from normal, with no medications and just a good diet. 

I work out at the YMCA multiple times a week, walk miles most days, and am working on trying to be as healthy as I can. 

I was worse than him. I almost could not have sex at all. And, serious ED problems as well. Not even porn would "get it up". 

There's hope, though. If I can do it, so can he. What I needed was to have support and the diabetic diagnosis was the last straw for me to act. And I got serious about fixing things. 

What he needs is a non-threatening, non-shaming environment to face his own problems. I could not start this until my wife was gone and the only judgement I thought I would face was my own. She had nagged me about my health issues and I just could NOT face up to dealing with the things she nagged me about - entirely my fault and my problem. Facing up to those things in her presence meant facing everything she was unhappy about. Again, my fault and my flaw. 

But once I got my act in gear, she was supportive. And once I got my own crap together, we're rebuilding a real relationship again. 

I don't know if any of this will help you. But it's my journey.. .and since I've taken it, I know that it can be done. There's hope.


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

It might be worth getting his testosterone levels checked, if you haven't already. That might help out with his sexual desire as well as with the weight loss. With weight loss, it may increase his motivation to do something about it, as well as make it much easier to actually loose weight. I've seen other examples (in various forums) where the guy is a lazy lover in which he often chooses porn over real sex with his wife. In many of these cases, low testosterone levels may be a factor. Men with low levels have a reluctance to do anything that requires physical activity, both sexual and non-sexual. They may still have sexual desires, but masturbating to porn is much easier, and the effort required for real sex feels enormous. 

If you do get his levels checked, make sure that you get the actual numbers from the lab. Don't simply accept a "normal" verdict from a doctor or nurse. If he is in his forties, they should be in the 600 range at least. The doctor may only look at reference range printed on the lab sheet, which includes levels that are typical for a 90 year old.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks for your replies!
John, I agree, I think lots of things need to be rewired. I havent tried hard enough with helping him do that because I never understood things clearly until now. So last night I told him that the amount of sex that we were having was not normal, and that most men wanted it more often. He said "what makes you think I dont want it more often?" I said well you never act like you do, and he replied that we never have time with kids under foot. But I refused that answer and said that there is time, but we just never MAKE time. So, aparently he wants it more, but Im going to have to be the one to put my foot down and be more blatant and obvious about it. In other words, I guess I will have to be the initiator all the time. I hate that. I want him to take the bull by the horns and be more proactive dammit, but anyhow, thats another story. Oh and congrats on your weight loss!

Dubizzle, Ive never told him I thought his body was ugly. Not once. He doesnt act ashamed the way he will walk around without anything on but underwear. Yes it is hard to look at, but I dont make any suggestions that I think it is ugly. Never would I do that.
He does give me oral about twice a year, and its great, but Id like it to be weekly! LOL
I just hate having to ask for it. But I guess Im going to have to get over it, suck it up and be more bold about it. I just wish he loved sex as much as I do.


Oldgeezer, congrats on the weight loss. So you didnt make the change until your wife left? Im afraid that is the measures Im going to have to take. I dont want to do that though. 
Good for you that there is hope left!! 


Revel, Thanks for the advice on the T levels. I will check into that.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You've got a problem on your hands far bigger than sex.

People don't arrive to close to 400lbs without serious issues. Rarely are they physically motivated, but almost always mentally.

Your husband is imprisoned in a world of fat. The fat is insulating him from something. Within that private world, for some people, it's easier to get lost in fantasy, porn, and masturbation, versus connecting with your living, breathing spouse. It's physically less taxing, and it allows you to find sexual gratification without exposure, and vulnerability. 

Initiating more will not help your sex life improve to any great degree. Your husband isn't facing his issues, the things that made him put on the weight, and motivate him to keep it on. Already you've confronted him with your concerns, and he's claimed that he wants sex, but is shifting blame to divert from the real issues at hand (i.e. kids under foot).

Your husband is at a dangerous weight. No matter what it might seem to you on the outside, your husband is likely living with a ton of shame, and self loathing, and those feels completely kill a libido, and can very easily become the roots of ED.

To add to all this, you were his fat partner in crime. It can be very stressful when two people became bonded in obesity, and one of them frees themselves of that physical/mental heft. It can make the person left behind feel hurt, bitter, angry, alone, and rejected. This drives some people to lose weight, but for others it drives them deeper into food addiction, and withdrawal. 

You need to take this extremely seriously. You need to make it very clear to this man that you are concerned about his health, first and foremost. You also need to be as honest as humanly possible about how you feel about his body, and the damage he is doing to your marriage, your sex life, by adhering to this unhealthy, suicidal path. He can not turn around just for you, he has to want it for himself, and there are NO guarantees; most people who become obese never escape it. But it needs to be clarified that you do not accept this, and you will not.

If you're enabling him, stop. Do not make it comfortable for him, and do not aid in his disease. If you cook for him, cook foods that you'd make for yourself, the foods that helped you lose weight, and are presumably helping keep it off. Don't cook, or buy, foods that are contributing to the problem. You need to totally remove yourself as an enabler to his self destruction.

And that's all you can do. Make it clear how you feel, and concentrate on getting yourself together. If the problem does not change, or gets worse, you might have to make it clear eventually that you will not waste your life away in a marriage to somebody who has built a literal wall of flesh to keep themselves in, and you out. It is completely selfish, and cruel, for him to expect you to sacrifice your sexual needs at the alter of his ever expanding, fat body.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Jaquen. I know you know best because you've been there yourself and it's not easy to break an addiction, but like any addiction - drugs, alcohol, porn- you should force your husband to make a decision - food or you.

You can't just sit around decade after decade watching him destroy himself and live in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. You didn't get married for a roommate. It's time to give him an ultimatum, which will also save his life.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

A lot has already been said about the health end of his weight, so I will leave that as it is. 

I would like to add that because of his weight, it may be uncomfortable for him to be in a position to perform oral on you. Have you looked into furniture and wedges and such that could help to support your bodies and aid you in many positions while the weight is being addressed. (and even after)

I have a tantra chair and it is great for supporting the back and allowing us to get into positions that normally would be physically taxing for the average person. Tantrana Lounge - Chocolate - LLFMTNCH - A Place For Passion This chair supports the body so we can do advanced tantra positions. My H was in a terrible auto accident and there are some positions that put quite a bit of strain on him. The shape of this chair cradles the body in many different positions and allows us more options. You can find the high end version on tantrachair.com along with a lot of information about these chairs. (the demonstration video is graphic, just so you know that ahead of time)


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Jaquen is absolutely correct- there is a limit to what you can control in this situation. As someone who is successfully fighting the weight demon- you know this. You even mentioned it in your post:


> People telling me what I needed to do didnt work. I had to mentally make the change within myself


I call it a trigger... you call it change... whatever it is, it must come from within. He has to NEED the change. Now, I do believe you can help him find that trigger. I would do anything in my power to get him to see his doc... hell, I would call the doc before hand and beg him/her to put the fear of God out there. Now, that didn't work for me, but it did set the groundwork in my head. So when my FIL was diagnosed with diabetes I just knew what I wanted to do... no, what I NEEDED to do.

But (there's always a but), remember: you can lead him to water... you can ask the doc to splash it in his face, but the rest is up to him.

Best of luck


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You've got a problem on your hands far bigger than sex.
> 
> People don't arrive to close to 400lbs without serious issues. Rarely are they physically motivated, but almost always mentally.
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head with this post, not much more that I can say except this...he's probably feeling that much more unattractive because you lost the weight. You were "fat buddies in crime". 

Also, he was a 37 year old virgin, was he always obese all of his life? That could have a harmful affect on his ability to have sexual relationships with women because he felt he was not attractive. He may walk around the house like he has no issues, but more than likely he does.

Not to say that obese men aren't able to be attractive, just that society places such pressure on men and women to look a certain way that it affects all of us mentally.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

There was a guy at my shop who was about 300+ lbs only a few years before I was hired. He cut his calories to small, mini snack meals every 3 hours and now he's about 200 lbs at 6 ft 2 inches. But he told me, he could easily gain the weight back so he has to know how many calories he's eating. He told me, if he could do it, anyone can do it. This guy is married with 2 kids and is 38 years old now.

I've been weight training since my early 20's and by eating a mini snack meal every 3 hours and Intermittent Fasting on my weekends, I have got big, strong, and lean at the same time. The diets I use are easy to do and cost nothing.

Intermittent Fasting = 16 hours only water, remainder 8 hours eat all your calories but know how many calories are needed to lose, maintain and gain weight. This will make the body use its own fat stores and you will lose weight quickly. But cardio and weight training must be done as well. Not hardcore, maybe a treadmill or power walks with a heavy backpack every day to get the heart pumping. And eat clean, no fast foods, no sugar drinks, no alcohols, no smoking, you get the idea.

Eating a mini snack meal every 3 hours = during your work week keeps your body in a positive highest metabolism fat burning state. You should always be a bit hungry and drink a lot of water which helps.

Your hubby is what we call an Endomorph body type. Genetically slower metabolism and possible thyroid issues. Iodine will help with the thyroid. 

A good friend of mine was also 300+ lbs at 6ft 1 inch , had a heart attack, in the hospital and his doctor told him his thyroid was the issue so he went on iodine and lost so much weight in a short time, it was crazy, he had cheek bones. Sad story, he died a short time later from the rapid weight loss.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I dont enable him, rather he eats alot of junk when he is alone, in his car going to and from work, when he is alone in his office. I never buy sweets for him, or if I do, its a treat for the kids and he partakes. Ive went to his office and seen entire boxes of debbie cakes empty in his garbage can, empty boxes of doughnuts, etc., and Ive told him many times that it scares me.
Alot of times I get angry because I feel like he is enabling me, by bringing junk around. I used to fight it, but I feel like Im starting to lose the battle. Ive already gained back 20lbs, but it isnt his fault, its my own, because Ive grown weary of the battle. But Im still trying, and still thinking about it every day. I know that 95% of people who lose weight gain it back, and I want to be in that 5% who keep it off. But honestly, being married to a junk food lover is not easy when I was so recently one myself. And I still battle it on a daily basis. 

Yes he has been obese since he was born. He lost all of the weight in college, but gained it back several years later. Right before we met, he had lost 100lbs which was one thing I liked about him, because I felt like he had changed into someone who was interested in getting and staying healthy, and being active. That was what I wanted. Instead, after marriage, we both gained a ton of weight because all of a sudden we were food partners. Going out to eat often, etc. 
I decided I wanted more out of life than that. He hasnt made that decision yet.
I have made it very clear that Im scared for his health. We have a 5 year old son together. I remember when I got pregnant, he said he was going to lose weight and get healthy. 
Recently when I was thinking of leaving, I made him a list of things that I was unhappy about. #1 was that I was tired of watching him kill himself with food. He never said a word after reading it.

I dont want to waste my whole life with someone whos not interested in being active, and doing things together rather than just eating and watching movies. 
But I dont want to leave and hurt him, and our son. Plus I couldnt support myself and our kids right now anyhow.

Anyhow, I decided to initiate this morning after reading some posts last night. It was the same thing, he couldnt O from a BJ, or being on top, and he wasnt able to do doggy style either. It felt like my back would break anyhow. So finally I got on top and tried doing it a little differently, and it worked like a charm, and he had the best O ever, I think. But I hate being so limited with our sex life. Yet I dont want to complain to him, in fear that it would make him want to do it even less. 

As far as going to a doctor, he wont do it. We dont have health insurance, and live on only his income, which isnt alot. So extra money is usually going toward car repair, house repair, etc. He will not spend money on himself to go to a doctor. I believe that it will take something drastic happening to him before he wakes up.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> Oldgeezer, congrats on the weight loss. So you didnt make the change until your wife left? Im afraid that is the measures Im going to have to take. I dont want to do that though.
> Good for you that there is hope left!!


No, my wife was "away", working. 

It was easier for me to act on my own. My self image, my embarrassment and shame at what I'd let myself become.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses.
> I dont enable him, rather he eats alot of junk when he is alone, in his car going to and from work, when he is alone in his office. I never buy sweets for him, or if I do, its a treat for the kids and he partakes. Ive went to his office and seen entire boxes of debbie cakes empty in his garbage can, empty boxes of doughnuts, etc., and Ive told him many times that it scares me.
> Alot of times I get angry because I feel like he is enabling me, by bringing junk around. I used to fight it, but I feel like Im starting to lose the battle. Ive already gained back 20lbs, but it isnt his fault, its my own, because Ive grown weary of the battle. But Im still trying, and still thinking about it every day. I know that 95% of people who lose weight gain it back, and I want to be in that 5% who keep it off. But honestly, being married to a junk food lover is not easy when I was so recently one myself. And I still battle it on a daily basis.
> 
> ...




If he's not willing to see a doctor and get help, it's his issue.

If he's not willing to eat healthy and lose the junk food, it's his issue.

If he's not willing to exercise, it's his issue.

He should be taking care of himself like he does around the house, his job, the kids, you, etc.


If my wifee let herself go even more, 250+ lbs, sex not even 1 - 2 times a month, I would sit her down, I want a divorce unless this changes now!!!!!!

Once you lose the weight, you'll be thinking why didn't I do this years ago?! And it's easy to keep the weight off, diet becomes second nature and effortless.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

lovemylife said:


> I would like to add that because of his weight, it may be uncomfortable for him to be in a position to perform oral on you. Have you looked into furniture and wedges and such that could help to support your bodies and aid you in many positions while the weight is being addressed. (and even after)
> 
> I have a tantra chair and it is great for supporting the back and allowing us to get into positions that normally would be physically taxing for the average person.


lovemylofe, actually he is great at giving me oral, NEVER fails to get me there. He read books and watched videos during his single years! LOL
I just wish it were a weekly thing! Guess I need to be more verbal in what I want, and push for it to happen. I wish HE loved it as much as I do, but I think for certain reasons, he isnt really all that into it. 
Wow, the tantra chair is cool, but $750?? I guess I will have to stick to pillows, etc. I wonder if there is a waaaay cheaper version?


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If he's not willing to see a doctor and get help, it's his issue.
> 
> If he's not willing to eat healthy and lose the junk food, it's his issue.
> 
> ...


Cuddlebug, I agree it is his issue. I dont blame myself. There are always excuses like, there is too much stress, he has too many responsibilities to think about dieting, doesnt have time to worry about it, etc. And that maybe once Im the one working and supporting us, THEN maybe he can quit working and concentrate on losing the weight. That makes me feel just great!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It's most likely the porn he's watched along with the masturbation. The weight is also a problem but being in the habit of watching porn/masturbating can cause ED when you're with actual partners. I'm going to send you a link that I hope helps.

And you're right you can't really talk someone into working out. Honestly it sounds like you need to sit down with him and give him a serious ultimatum that things need to change or you're going to re-evaluate staying in your marriage. I find if people are motivated enough towards a certain goal, they find ways to work around the stress of everyday life to achieve those goals. Not make excuses.

If you're not going to give him any incentive to change why should he? And if he refuses to change for you despite the fact you're married to him why should you stay?


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## rabbit75 (Jan 7, 2013)

Nicky, you might like the idea I outlined in this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...snt-seem-care-about-own-body.html#post1345942

If your husband likes watching movies, then perhaps you can suggest that he combine movie-watching with exercise. Or both of you can exercise while watching movies together.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

I don't mean to be an ass, Nikki, but I'm seeing a disconnect in what you are saying in regards to him seeing a doc. 



> As far as going to a doctor, he wont do it. We dont have health insurance, and live on only his income, which isnt alot. So extra money is usually going toward car repair, house repair, etc. He will not spend money on himself to go to a doctor. I believe that it will take something drastic happening to him before he wakes up


This isn't quite the truth. The truth is that he's blowing a crapload of extra cash on his addiction... as you mentioned earlier.



> I dont enable him, rather he eats alot of junk when he is alone, in his car going to and from work, when he is alone in his office. I never buy sweets for him, or if I do, its a treat for the kids and he partakes. Ive went to his office and seen entire boxes of debbie cakes empty in his garbage can, empty boxes of doughnuts, etc.,


He can afford to see a doc, but he doesn't want to. It's that simple... and I get that, I do, because I was in that boat. I guess my issue is when you gave him an ultimatum:



> Recently when I was thinking of leaving, I made him a list of things that I was unhappy about. #1 was that I was tired of watching him kill himself with food. He never said a word after reading it.


While I think it might have been poor timing for an ultimatum, that is YOUR decision. Only YOU know if the timing was appropriate. Regardless, it really conflicts with the message already quoted above:



> I believe that it will take something drastic happening to him before he wakes up.


I'm sorry, but my wife threatening to leave me is "something drastic." That's huge. And the fact that he gave no response is telling.

Just wondering, what was the consequence to ignoring your ultimatum?

While I still think he should see a doc in the hopes of scaring him straight about the weight, I also think there's some massive depression at work here. He needs medical attention... and that is something he will not do. I'm afraid that as others have said, you need to focus on YOU. Prioritize your priorities... and, sadly, you probably need to start considering alternatives.


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

41362, Why was it poor timing for an ultimatum? Actually it wasnt an ultimatum. We were talking about our marriage issues, I told him I was incredibly unhappy. I later gave him a list of things that made me so unhappy. The first one was the most important one-that I was tired of seeing him kill himself with food. No ultimatum there. 

There were no consequences to us talking. I just made these known to him. Other things on the list were just things like how he wont clean up after himself, etc.

After talking, he always makes more of an effort for a short time. But that usually falls to the wayside after awhile, and after things are going good again. I refuse to constantly fuss at him to keep it up. I just dont have it in me. 

Rabbit, great post. Im still reading some of the responses. Like me, you wont be able to force this upon her. It will have to click for her. Even with me losing all the weight, it hasnt made him any more motivated. My body isnt perfect unfortunately, like the women in porn, I have saggy skin, etc., but I cant take care of that until I have a buttload of money. But if he finds my body unattractive, he has never said so. Im still very embarrassed to get naked, but I do it. I figure surely he cant judge my body with the way his looks, but after years of watching porn, I wonder if he is somewhat turned off by my imperfect body. If thats the case, I wish he would just tell me so I can move on. 
But, he is too nice of a guy to tell me.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> 41362, Why was it poor timing for an ultimatum? Actually it wasnt an ultimatum. We were talking about our marriage issues, I told him I was incredibly unhappy. I later gave him a list of things that made me so unhappy. The first one was the most important one-that I was tired of seeing him kill himself with food. No ultimatum there.
> 
> There were no consequences to us talking. I just made these known to him. Other things on the list were just things like how he wont clean up after himself, etc.
> 
> After talking, he always makes more of an effort for a short time. But that usually falls to the wayside after awhile, and after things are going good again. I refuse to constantly fuss at him to keep it up. I just dont have it in me.



Honestly, nicky, I thought it was poor timing based on the fact that the more I read- the more I'm convinced that there is some depression involved.

Like you, I've been where he is now. He's lacking confidence, he's lacking self- esteem, and he probably doubts that any effort he makes will be substantial. He probably has very little hope in regards to making any strides forward. If he's at all normal, those factors should be feeding some depression. He's withdrawn from other activities- including choosing masturbation over his wife. He is probably super embarressed to have sex with you at this point, though he will never admit that. He'll just clam up and withdraw.

Did he know that you were considering leaving, or did you approach this as things that were making you unhappy in the relationship? Because if he knew, then it has to be considered an ultimatum... and he chose to ignore it rather than fight. Further withdrawl.

Does he sleep more than normal?
Is his appetite increasing?
Is there more lethargy than normal?
Has he fainted or gone unconcious for any reason, or seemed disoriented?
Any vision issues?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry, one more:
has he experienced any numbness in hands or feet?


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

41362 said:


> Honestly, nicky, I thought it was poor timing based on the fact that the more I read- the more I'm convinced that there is some depression involved.
> 
> Like you, I've been where he is now. He's lacking confidence, he's lacking self- esteem, and he probably doubts that any effort he makes will be substantial. He probably has very little hope in regards to making any strides forward. If he's at all normal, those factors should be feeding some depression. He's withdrawn from other activities- including choosing masturbation over his wife. He is probably super embarressed to have sex with you at this point, though he will never admit that. He'll just clam up and withdraw.
> 
> ...


Okay, so what can I do to give him more confidence? More self-esteem? I hope some bigger men will respond here too. What would their wife have to do to make them more interested in sex, working out, losing weight, life in general?
My husband is very unmotivated to do much. I guess maybe it is a little depression, but it doesnt come out in the normal way.
The last time he was depressed, he charged up 2 credit cards. 

He sleeps less than he should probably, especially during the winter months since we try to keep a fire going al night.
But yes he often falls asleep if sitting for any amount of time.
His appetite is the same. He really does not eat huge portions. Just junk food. 
Hes always been lethargic, always sick lately, but no disorientation or vision issues. or numbness in hands or feet.

A few years ago, I made him go get checked out. Everything came back fine, so he boasts about that. he doesnt have high BP, or any of those things, but I doubt they checked his cholesterol levels. Just told him that he was fine.

My question is this...what can I do to help? Or am I able to? Its so frustrating with how slow he moves, how unmotivated he is to do things (except play with our 5 year old), how he has no drive.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> Alot of times I get angry because I feel like he is enabling me, by bringing junk around. I used to fight it, but I feel like Im starting to lose the battle. Ive already gained back 20lbs, but it isnt his fault, its my own, because Ive grown weary of the battle. But Im still trying, and still thinking about it every day. I know that 95% of people who lose weight gain it back, and I want to be in that 5% who keep it off. But honestly, being married to a junk food lover is not easy when I was so recently one myself. And I still battle it on a daily basis.


That's not enabling, that's sabotage. And it's very common when people lose weight (or make other drastic changes). It's not usually even conscious, but it's a very real phenomenon. It works much more to his advantage to have you rejoin him in obesity, than be free.

Anytime you've fought, and won, a battle like you have, and your husband can expose you willingly, so soon after, to things that hurt your recovery, it's straight up sabotage. 

It's no different than an alcoholic getting clean, and their spouse leaving liquor all over the house, and drinking in front of them.

On some level he might want you to gain the weight back. It makes his choice to stay buried alive much easier, and gives him his fat partner in crime back.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

> I hope some bigger men will respond here too.


I was a "bigger man," once upon a time... no, I was fat. I refuse to dress it up in more appealing terms. I faced that down- along with some possible depression. I will not be returning to that life.

You can read it all here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/63110-almost-there-advice-please.html


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

nicky3791 said:


> Okay, so what can I do to give him more confidence? More self-esteem? I hope some bigger men will respond here too. What would their wife have to do to make them more interested in sex, working out, losing weight, life in general?
> My husband is very unmotivated to do much. I guess maybe it is a little depression, but it doesnt come out in the normal way.
> The last time he was depressed, he charged up 2 credit cards.
> 
> ...


Okay, all of those questions are warning symptoms of diabetes. He is at huge risk with his weight and lifestyle. His blood sugars being out of whack, combined with some level of depression, could very well explain the behavior he exhibits.

He needs another physical- and they need to check everything. With his lifestyle and age, he should be getting checked annually.

Now, how do you get him to change? What will be the trigger that gets him moving? He's already decided that he will not do it for himself... he will not do it for you (even when you explain that it is the number one cause of unhappiness in your marriage)... Quite honestly, I would sit him down and explain that he is being unfair to his 5 year old. His behavior is very much increasing the possibility that he may not be around for the long term... graduations, marriage, grandkids, etc. It would be a last ditch, emotional plea that might get to him. It's certainly worth a try. It may work, it may not... it may simply get the gears started in his head, it may not...

You could also suggest MC. That to might trigger change... it might not, or he may refuse.

At this point he is doing anything to resist change- including the attempts to sabotage your success. He is fighting you, and he's fighting himself. It's a bad place to be, but he has to NEED it. You already know this.

So, you can explore those suggestions- and hope something takes seed, but stay strong yourself. Be that 5%, Nicky. Do it for you and your 5 year old.

Good luck


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Did a bit of searching and found a cheaper one here. Amazon.com: New Leather Yoga Chair Stretch Sofa Relax Sex Chair Love Making: Home & Kitchen

I would try encouraging him to got to a park, the 3 of you, and play with your child. He can take a break if he needs to, but spend some time acting like a child with your child. 

Exercise is often looked at like a bad word. If you can show them that we all exercise, taking a shower, getting dressed, walking to and from your car, that is all exercise. It doesn't have to be boring or bad. Give yourself credit for the little things and add some fun things to it as well. Drive to a park, take a couple of pieces of bread and feed it to the birds, while you take a short walk and let your kids run and play and try to catch the birds you are feeding. The little things can be the best beginning.


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## bucmic (Sep 16, 2016)

wow I'm 6'2" tall and I weight 375 pounds. I am 53 years old and I love my wife very much and am very sexually attracted to her, but I am too fat to have intercourse. We have masturbated each other and that I thought was great, but my wife wants intercourse. I wish I wasn't so fat and could have intercourse with my wife. I also can't keep an erection and I have thought of going to a doctor, but I haven't yet. I have even thought of having weight lose surgery, but it is too expensive. I pray I find a solution. My wife says she finds me attractive, thank the good Lord for that. Well I just thought I would write and say I understand the frustration!


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