# How can I not think about separating/divorce when all I feel is angry at husband



## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

I have always been a generally happy and positive person however after 2 years of marriage (and 7 years dating prior to that) I just feel that all I have put up with over the years is drowning me in anger and resentment.

My question is...People always say that a secret of marital success is not to think about divorce, but with so much anger over the past, how can I achieve this?

I mean I can let issues go but they do sometimes happen again or resurface in slighly different areas...how much should I have to put up with before I allow myself to separate?

Our issues include- In law troubles (his in-laws), regular arguments over his family, him being a mummy's boy, living with the in-laws, arguments about small things which lead to a occasional mild level violence and verbal abuse.

I just feel that I am soooo over this marriage and I don't deserve this kind of life.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Please explain further about the "mild" violence and verbal abuse. What are some things that happen? 

I was going to suggest marriage counseling for you both, especially if he is willing to meet you half way and work on things as well, but now I'm not so sure with the verbal abuse and violence being mentioned.


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Please explain further about the "mild" violence and verbal abuse. What are some things that happen?
> 
> I was going to suggest marriage counseling for you both, especially if he is willing to meet you half way and work on things as well, but now I'm not so sure with the verbal abuse and violence being mentioned.


Thanks for your response. I am so depleted in energy at the moment over my marriage.

When I say "mild" violence, I mean he has hit me on the head and kicked me occasionally during arguments. Not very hard but still there is still that betrayal of trust and hurt. I know violence is wrong. We have addressed that area and he has promised not to do it again. He does not want a divorce and said he will never do it again, and if he does, I can go right ahead and divorce him (meaning that he will likely not do it again since he doesn't want this).

But even with the violence eliminated, I'm not sure I want to go back to this life of being stuck with his parents due slightly to cultural reasons where he has to look after his parents.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO I find any form of violence uncalled for. I can see why you are hurt, angry and hold resentment on that part. 

However, if you feel there is no chance for this marriage to be saved, then you need to do what you need to do. I'm all for people trying to work things out, BUT if one persons heart just isn't in to it, and they truly feel its something thats not worth saving, then they need to cut their losses.

If you do want to give it another shot, then you both need to be on the same page about the marriage, and seek some professional help.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

LizLolly said:


> When I say "mild" violence, I mean he has hit me on the head and kicked me occasionally during arguments. *Not very hard* but still there is still that betrayal of trust and hurt. I know violence is wrong. We have addressed that area and he has promised not to do it again. He does not want a divorce and said he will never do it again, and if he does, I can go right ahead and divorce him (meaning that he will likely not do it again since he doesn't want this).


You are minimizing the physical violence he's inflicted on you. Any amount of violence is never acceptable IMO. It can make for an awful situation. I know I didn't want my H touching me or even looking at me the very last time he laid his hands on me in a violent way. I was done UNTIL he agreed to go see a counselor for his violent tendencies. Another thing, have y'all ever lived on your own? Are you able to work to that resolve? Or do you feel that won't make a difference either?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Jamison said:


> IMO I find any form of violence uncalled for. I can see why you are hurt, angry and hold resentment on that part.
> 
> However, if you feel there is no chance for this marriage to be saved, then you need to do what you need to do. I'm all for people trying to work things out, BUT if one persons heart just isn't in to it, and they truly feel its something thats not worth saving, then they need to cut their losses.
> 
> If you do want to give it another shot, then you both need to be on the same page about the marriage, and seek some professional help.


Its just like mine, Im seeking professional help, IC, anger management class, wife wants to do nothing. But I respect her for that. IM doing the manning up at some point, reading books, (five love languages by gary chapmann, watch movie fireproof) to better understand my marriage , for I want to save it. She said she doesnt want to, my question is if we got married mutually, why is it that she is the only one that wants a D. , It should be a mutual decision as well, right? We have 1 kid age 8.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Cherry said:


> You are minimizing the physical violence he's inflicted on you. Any amount of violence is never acceptable IMO. It can make for an awful situation. I know I didn't want my H touching me or even looking at me the very last time he laid his hands on me in a violent way. I was done UNTIL he agreed to go see a counselor for his violent tendencies. Another thing, have y'all ever lived on your own? Are you able to work to that resolve? Or do you feel that won't make a difference either?


Good for you , I like the WORD* UNTIL*, Thats what im doing. IC, anger management class, reading books (five love languages by gary chapmann, watch movie FIREPROOF) . Im doing this for I know , If I will not do anything nor CHANGE my bad habts, I will not have my FAMILY BACK. And the change should be constant ( i know i might stumble along the road ) and now, I feel closer to GOD , I just give everything to HIM. Im somehow co dependent, being an orphaned at a very young age (no siblings either) and have to live with relatives to survive (i grew up in ASIA, were both asians) .Wife is a very independent woman,having worked all her life and supported her sibling to college. Thanks for any inputs. You can PM me if you want.


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## sunriseriver84 (Oct 20, 2011)

LizLolly said:


> I have always been a generally happy and positive person however after 2 years of marriage (and 7 years dating prior to that) I just feel that all I have put up with over the years is drowning me in anger and resentment.
> 
> My question is...People always say that a secret of marital success is not to think about divorce, but with so much anger over the past, how can I achieve this?
> 
> ...


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## sunriseriver84 (Oct 20, 2011)

I was married 28 years knew my ex 33 years and had the similar situation for 15 years before calling it quits in 2010. Now have regrets because my decision was made in anger. So dont make any decisions that would finalize your marriage while you are angry. Because anger hides your true emotion for that person. Anger is only suppose to be a visitor in our hearts not take up residence like it did in my marriage. I did seek counseling after the divorce and wish I had before the divorce.


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