# Learning disability help



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm looking for people who have knowledge on this subject.

It's my BIL's family who I want to help but I don't know how.

Scenario is this:

52-year-old father, widowed 3 months ago. Dyslexic, low vocabulary, spelling poor, does not have ability to operate computer for ordering needed items like grocery, home furnishing, etc. As a child, mollycoddled by his mother, the "baby" of the family. Mother's skill levels were also low, perhaps illiterate, I understand this likiely has no relevance, but shows the general pattern of the family.

2 girls, fraternal twins, 21 years old. They are at about a 5th to 6th grade level. Father is part of the reason. He's overprotective, enables them, does not want them to be embarrassed by their disability. Neither of them have a driver license. They were home-schooled by their now-departed mother. She was a good person who loved her family, but not a qualified teacher.

Father is ESRD, dialyzed 3 times per week, has had partial amputation of foot and is now using a wheelchair to avoid weight-bearing on the foot. Circulation in his extremities has been severely impaired by atherosclerosis. I don't expect healing will be quick, maybe long-term unfortunate outcome requiring more surgery.

He is depending upon my wife to do everything, ordering, pickup, and transport to dialysis and doctors.

Please point me in right directions if you can.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I’m dyslexic and I now see it as a superpower, I was told I was stupid and believed it for a while. Until I got out on my own and I realized can do anything I choose to.









The Gift of Dyslexia | Dyslexia the Gift


Dyslexia the Gift




www.dyslexia.com





Dyslexics just think differently and that can create some problems. These problems can be seen as holding you back or barriers to be overcome.

Changing your thinking and looking for solutions is hard and *many I see just don’t try*. I know my difficulties and I look out for them & have plans & workarounds.

Basically, my solution is a good calendar, planning and lists

Getting my mother to maintain lists of things she needed to do helped her too. I asked her to keep paper and pens around and when she thought of something that she needed to do to write it down. Then look at the lists offen and get stuff done.

I know this is not a big help


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> I'm looking for people who have knowledge on this subject.
> 
> It's my BIL's family who I want to help but I don't know how.
> 
> ...


What country are you in?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you’d probably like is for your wife to be less involved in her baby brother’s life. That’s unlikely to happen regardless of whatever other help he gets. What arrangements have been made for the daughters if something happens to him?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I can probably answer questions about the twins. Have they been diagnosed with something? Do the twins have an IEP or 504? And when you say 5th to 6th grade level do you mean just reading level or academically? I would imagine if they are delayed on either front that their teachers/mother since homeschooled have noticed and that they have already been evaluated? Depending on the school district, some allocate funding for home schooled kids within their attendance zone with special needs. 

IDEA usually means that IEPs or 504s may extend to the age of 21, the logic being that transition education might train them for higher education, employment programs and life skills. If their only challenge is dyslexia luckily there are a TON of resources they can use to access the same materials that weren't available when I was a kid; most devices now have voice to text options so they can text, email, apply to jobs etc. and reading can be accomplished using audiobooks, text to voice options are built into most devices, computers included. There are also programs like dragonspeak that I have seen work really well in the classroom for kids with dyslexia and other Learning Disabilities (LDs). There are numerous programs at universities nowadays for kids with disabilities, including everything from LDs to intellectual disabilities to physical disabilities, allowing access to education and advanced opportunities. It can also allow gradual transition to independence for them since they are 21 now.

Wish I could give advice on father. There is a lot of stigma against receiving special services for kids with disabilities so that may influence his wish to enable them and tell them nothing is wrong. I agree with him in that they should not be embarrassed. As a teacher I am biased, but consider disability to be a bit of a misnomer. LDs in particular are not in any way a reflection of intellect, so he should not feel as though their intelligence is in question. On the contrary, sped services are often provided for kids who are highly gifted but for whatever reason need an accomodation, in the same way in which someone who does not see well needs glasses, or someone who is in a wheelchair needs a ramp to access buildings. Good special ed programs plan for what is called gradual release, where the responsability for the supports a student needs is gradually placed in their hands. For example, if they have dyslexia, they would be responsible for downloading their texts onto their device and listening to them, then using speech to text software independently to respond to homework questions. Rather than having someone hold their hand, they use the tools they need in order to access the same materials as everyone else. If you have more information on their district etc. I can probably send you information on some resources, if you think they or father would be interested?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I’m dyslexic and I now see it as a superpower, I was told I was stupid and believed it for a while. Until I got out on my own and I realized can do anything I choose to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you had this experience of being told you were stupid. Wish you had been told sooner that you can do what you set your mind to, but I do feel very lucky as a teacher to have access to technology that means kids with dyslexia aren't at the same disadvantage that they used to be in terms of just accessing the materials they need in order to be successful.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I was told I was stupid and believed it for a while. Until I got out on my own and I realized can do anything I choose to.


This is exactly the case with my BIL.



Max.HeadRoom said:


> *many I see just don’t try*.





Openminded said:


> What you’d probably like is for your wife to be less involved in her baby brother’s life.


This is what frustrates me. She enables him to continue in his non-participation in his life and the life of his family. I know she is never going to be "less involved", but she needs to stop doing things for him and make him knuckle down to his responsibilities and LEARN to do the things he needs to do - there's no teacher in the world like experience...



Max.HeadRoom said:


> I know this is not a big help


No, sir it is a big help, and I thank you for taking your time to respond. I'd like to inquire about your experience more later.



Diana7 said:


> What country are you in?


US



Openminded said:


> What arrangements have been made for the daughters if something happens to him?


Absolutely none. He has no money, he owns no property, these girls need to learn to be self-sufficient. The clock is ticking on his time on this planet. He is already 5 years into dialysis and has no kidney donor, he will never be placed high on the list because he has too many comorbidities.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I can probably answer questions about the twins. Have they been diagnosed with something? Do the twins have an IEP or 504? And when you say 5th to 6th grade level do you mean just reading level or academically?
> 
> It can also allow gradual transition to independence for them since they are 21 now.
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much for your reply. I will respond to you later, as I am constrained by an appointment soon.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When (not if) the children’s father is gone, is your wife likely to take in the girls?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

AFAIK, neither of the girls are dyslexic. Only their father.



joannacroc said:


> Have they been diagnosed with something? Do the twins have an IEP or 504? And when you say 5th to 6th grade level do you mean just reading level or academically?


The following is an edited excerpt from a document "Reevaluation Report" provided by the (state) Cyber Charter School dated 10/14/2019

EDUCATIONAL HISTORY
(Sister #1) is a returning 12th grade student that enrolled at The (state) Cyber Charter School..
(Sister #1) was initiaally identified (3/22/07) as a student with a Specific Learning Disability in the areas of math calculation, math reasoning, reading comprehension, and written expression. Subsequent testing (4/19/2010) revealed (Sister #1)' FSIQ falls in the Significantly Below Average range and therefore she has been identified as a student with an Intellectual Disability.

MEDICAL INFORMATION:
There are currently no health concerns with (Sister #1). (Sister #1) is functioning on a level commensurate with her same age peers in the physical and social domains.

SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL HEALTH, BEHAVIOR, and ADAPTIVE SKILLS
The CAB and SFI Student and Family Information forms were provided to the family on multiple occasions via email but have not yet been returned.
A PTR Permission to Reevaluate was also emailed with the last attempt made on 8-30-2019 to have a full scale psycological evaluation completed to update (Sister #1)'s
aptitude and achievement scores.

ISister #1)'s cognitive abilities fall within the Below Average range with verbal comprehension skills significantly lower than perceptual reasoning abilities. Working Memory and
Processing Speed are also within the Below Average range. (Sister @1) manifested sever deficits in reading, math, and writing.

The Reevaluation Report for (Sister #2) is mostly identical, except that (Sister #2) has a congenital heart condition, a missing heart valve, and has had multiple surgeries to correct the anomaly. She also has mild hearing loss in both ears, but passed both hearing and vision screening within normal limits.
She is seeing a cardiologist . 

The report also states: that (Sister #2) is receiving Full-Time Life Skill Support. She qualifies for ESY services.

Thanks for giving me your valuable time on this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> When (not if) the children’s father is gone, is your wife likely to take in the girls?


I don't think this will be possible for us as a long-term arrangement. Of course, should he die momentarily, or return to long-term rehab or hospitalization, we would certainly provide the interim care.

The girls cannot live in our house. One sister is allergic to cat dander and my wife is a cat mom to 9 cats inside and 4 or 5 outside.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I know my difficulties and I look out for them & have plans & workarounds.


I'd like to ask you further if you can spare a moment, at your convenience....

What is it that motivated you to put in the very hard effort, amidst the judgmental, harsh criticism you must have received, embrace your dyslexia, and become a wholly-functional blessing to the rest of us in society ?

What was it that caused you to change your viewpoint of your dyslexia from "impediment" to "hurdle" ?

Thanks much for your helpful answers.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TJW said:


> I'm looking for people who have knowledge on this subject.
> 
> It's my BIL's family who I want to help but I don't know how.
> 
> ...


He has got to learn to do these things for himself, or the grown daughters can do it. I bet anything they are using smartphones regularly and are literate enough to order online. No one should be expected to take on that burden. They need to learn to do it themselves.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I bet anything they are using smartphones regularly and are literate enough to order online. No one should be expected to take on that burden. They need to learn to do it themselves.


You would certainly win that bet. Phones grew out of their left palm.....neither one of them can be separated from their phones. I tell my DW this constantly, you have to LET GO and let them screw it up. Their father should be checking the orders.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TJW said:


> You would certainly win that bet. Phones grew out of their left palm.....neither one of them can be separated from their phones. I tell my DW this constantly, you have to LET GO and let them screw it up. Their father should be checking the orders.


They're not helpless. Granted, those girls are at that age where it's probably very hard to get them to be helpful and concentrate on anyone other than themselves and their friends, but someone in their immediate family needs to help out, OR they need to go get two jobs and put that money toward home care, but that's very expensive. And he needs to do more himself too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He could take a delivery job. I have a cousin with one leg who rides a three-wheel Honda still and drives.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> I don't think this will be possible for us as a long-term arrangement. Of course, should he die momentarily, or return to long-term rehab or hospitalization, we would certainly provide the interim care.
> 
> The girls cannot live in our house. One sister is allergic to cat dander and my wife is a cat mom to 9 cats inside and 4 or 5 outside.


I know this is off topic but you have 9 cats living in your house 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tell your wife not to take on the duties taking care of him without also being given a free hand to delegate duties to the daughters and influence them all to get jobs. Anyone can do delivery. Make them all get licenses. Delegate chores to them. Train them to take over, basically. I assume your wife is soft on this, or you wouldn't be having to ask what to do. Make her read all this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I’m dyslexic and I now see it as a superpower, I was told I was stupid and believed it for a while. Until I got out on my own and I realized can do anything I choose to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Re the bolded, I never knew this! I thought dyslexia was just mixing up letters, so not being able to read, I thought it was an eye problem. You learn something knew every day, thank you for that  I'm so sorry you were called stupid, but the joke's on them hey?

OP - explain to your wife that if someone doesn't show the girls how to do things like order online, and the basics of running a house, that when their father dies they will be absolutely screwed. Explain that if she doesn't show them these things, that she is failing them in spades. Imagine the pride they'll feel when they are able to do these things for themselves?

Your wife could spend a couple of hours, each weekend, or every couple of days (I don't know what her schedule is like), and run them through how to do an online grocery order, how to pay a bill online, how to clean the house, and learn a few simple things to cook. They'll resist her at first but when they get older they'll love her for it.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

TJW said:


> I'd like to ask you further if you can spare a moment, at your convenience....
> 
> What is it that motivated you to put in the very hard effort, amidst the judgmental, harsh criticism you must have received, embrace your dyslexia, and become a wholly-functional blessing to the rest of us in society ?
> 
> ...


It also took me very ;long time to learn to tie shoes. Being dyslexia I was seeing the shoe from the front during a demo and then trying to tie it by looking at my foot from above. A big deal was made about that at school when I was 5.

In the 2nd grade the school urged my parents to get me therapy because I had no friends and no interest in making any & they did just that.

I failed 4th grade; the note I still have says this was because I was not keeping up socially with the other students. It was here where they started putting me in the special ed classes.

In 6 grade I am once again urged to start therapy again because of my lack of friends.

My grades were **** & when I was in the tenth grade my guidance consoler called my into his office to showed me the results of a school IQ test. He said at 168 I should be doing much better”.

The message I got though out my k-12 years was that I was some stupid broken loaner. Why would I put in any effort for any of them.

The exception to the above was math and science; my 12 grade math teacher recommended me for an after school job at a bank. This was b4 word process so I bought a franklin type & spell to get me by, say 1986. While there were struggles I did excel there and kept getting raises and gaining experience. About two years b4 I moved on I got a $35,000 raise because I was outperforming the IBM engineer that they were paying $200 an hour for.

Weirdly I went to work for a regional BOCES and my time was sold to the same school that I went to k-12. I’m now the lead tech that this school and make more than I could ever dream. I never went on to college and raised due to work experience on job evaluations.

My point in all of this it to believe in yourself. Yes, I have a high IQ but that is coupled with dyslexia & social blindness.
I truly believe that by some unknown metric that we are all basicity equal. The earnest is on you to use gifts to make up for deficits and learn from failure.

My school brings on summer help and a few years ago I noticed that one young man was the son of a past friend. This friend and I had a falling out and as I got older I saw me regretting my part in it. So I hired him for the summer in part as a peace offering to my long-gone friend. I also wanted to give him a leg up to show him what a job in IT was like, We call him Greg. This was his 1st job and I keep telling myself that but Greg did struggle and keep mentioning that “He was on a spectrum”, seemingly using it as a shield. He was smart but had as yet moved beyond the label that had been given to him. I hope he finds his own label.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Who is paying their bills? 

My first thought is- how does your wife feel about all of this? 

You aren't going to get very far with trying to enact change if she is not on the same page with you. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

kag123 said:


> You aren't going to get very far with trying to enact change if she is not on the same page with you.


She isn't on the same page at all. She puts "family" first. That doesn't include me, or anything to do with THIS household. When one of her family members call, she encompasses land and sea to "take care" of them.

I just have to live through it. That's all..... but I'm totally sick of it, the cats, the household, the bills, all of this falls on me when her family "needs" her.



kag123 said:


> Who is paying their bills?


The great American welfare system.

@Max.HeadRoom, thanks so much for that reply. You're my hero.....atta boy..... I wish my BIL knew you.....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When I was a toddler, my sister intentionally shut an old 1940s heavy pickup truck door on my tiny hand and left four fingers hanging by a thread. Fortunately, an osteopath lived next door, so we went over there and he did something he wasn't used to doing, which is reattach the fingers real quick. I'm 68 and I still have a couple of scars from that. 

As a result, my penmanship was abysmal. When I was in first grade, the teacher had everyone write a Mother's Day message onto a cotton dishtowel for our moms for a gift. Mine was just awful looking, as I couldn't even draw a straight line, and my teacher actually shamed me about it and said I probably shouldn't even give it to my mom. 

But the real culprit here is that my mom knew I was getting all great marks except for penmanship -- and never once thought to tell the school or teachers why I couldn't write. Good grief. I think it was just one other thing she decided to block out so she didn't have to blame my older sister, who had been a colicky baby and she spent her whole life trying to get her approval, sometimes blaming me for things she did rather than deal with her. 

Fortunately, I learned to type much later on, which I have no problem with, so that was how I overcame that eventually. 

I think a lot of us have something we had to overcome and that it makes us stronger and more resourceful.

Making opportunities for yourself and recognizing them when you see them and acting quickly are very important to elevate oneself. Persistence is important too, but not when it means holding out for a certain job when you should be taking whatever you can get right now and then resuming your job search. Overcoming obstacles is one of the most important things I had to grit my teeth and do when I was following my career, and I mostly had to do it by making that my number 1 priority and stay focused on that, which seems like most people just can't or don't want to do. If you want something bad enough, you'll do that though.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> my mom knew I was getting all great marks except for penmanship -- and never once thought to tell the school or teachers why I couldn't write. Good grief.


Yep. My MIL was a very self-centered woman. She, herself, was illiterate, she knew her son had difficulties learning and getting low marks, But she didn't want to be embarrassed. No, hell no, she didn't want it, even at his expense.

Now, the apple has not fallen far from the tree, and his girls are paying a hell of a price. They are 21 years old, no driver license, no job, and their academic achievement is in the basement.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I mostly had to do it by making that my number 1 priority and stay focused on that, which seems like most people just can't or don't want to do.


I had obstacles, too. I agree with you, we all have obstacles, and we can either choose to look at them as "obstacles" or "hurdles".  You chose hurdles, so di @Max.HeadRoom - my BIL is still choosing "obstacles", and his sister is enabling him. It was his mother until she developed alzheimers, went to a nursing home, and they took all the money her husband left her when he died. God knows none of it was ****ing hers, she chose "obstacle", too.

It's not "can't"....it's "won't"...there is not one person in the entire world who is incapable of improving him/herself. For my wife, I have come to understand that her mother "programmed" her, too. She is an apple who also didn't fall far from the tree.



DownByTheRiver said:


> If you want something bad enough, you'll do that though.


Correct. Many people just prefer their comfort zone. And, unfortunately, we have families and a society which allow them to stay there without starvation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The girls may not be capable of passing a driving test.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Livvie said:


> you have 9 cats living in your house 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮?


Yep....9....that's right, you're right, it is completely incredulous.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The girls may not be capable of passing a driving test.


*Henry Ford* :

"There are two kinds of people: those who think they can, and those who think they can't, and they're both right."

Their father has made quite sure they are behind door #2, and will therefore, never be embarrassed..... however, they will be quite crippled for the rest of their lives, unless I can find a way to make them capable of passing it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> *Henry Ford* :
> 
> "There are two kinds of people: those who think they can, and those who think they can't, and they're both right."
> 
> Their father has made quite sure they are behind door #2, and will therefore, never be embarrassed..... however, they will be quite crippled for the rest of their lives, unless I can find a way to make them capable of passing it.


Then you'll have to buy them a car and maintain it and pay for their insurance. Why are you taking on this responsibility?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Then you'll have to buy them a car and maintain it and pay for their insurance. Why are you taking on this responsibility?


I would be willing to do this as a "hand-up", not a "handout".....because that's the only way they will ever move toward independent means. The responsibility is more rightfully mine than
the taxpayer pool's. 

It was indeed rightfully their father's .... but fat chance that would ever actually have been honored by him....



Blondilocks said:


> I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> I would be willing to do this as a "hand-up", not a "handout".....because that's the only way they will ever move toward independent means. The responsibility is more rightfully mine than
> the taxpayer pool's.
> 
> It was indeed rightfully their father's .... but fat chance that would ever actually have been honored by him....


Actually, if you want to assign responsibility then it would be your wife's since they are her blood. Your wife who treats you as nothing more than her ATM machine. A sane man would send her to live with her brother and take her 9 cats with her.

But, you are coming across as a guy with a knight in shining armor complex. Stepping up and taking care of her brother and nieces will not earn you any brownie points nor even gratitude from her and hers. You are doing this for you. You can continue to work yourself to death in order to pay for that ego fix or you can let go and let the chips fall where they may. 

Believe me, she isn't going anywhere because no other man (Christian or heathen) would have her.

One thing you can do is to look into group homes for mentally challenged people and your nieces may actually thrive in one. This is your best bet to get them on the road to independence.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> look into group homes for mentally challenged people and your nieces may actually thrive in one.


I like the idea .... but who do you think will pay for that ?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I haven’t read the other comments so I’m sorry if I repeat something or if I go in a different direction.


First off, there is nothing you can do for him. It’s too late, he won’t learn anything new, and his days are numbered. 

All focus must be on the girls, and getting them to be self sufficient. 

My question is, what is your goal? What don’t you want happen? How involved do you want to be? And how naïve is your wife in all this?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So I had a learning disability and I was mildly dyslexic. School was embarrassing, and it gave me incredibly low self esteem because I knew that not only I was different, but I wasn’t smart. I was a terrible reader, and because I knew I was bad at it, I never did it... so I never got better and improved. 
My saving grace was math. It made sense, and I did great in it. Then science was interesting and I was good at that too (only because I tried bc it was interesting). I joined chemistry club, and I finally felt smart even though I was still an idiot at reading and history etc. 

Today I have my masters, and I make just short of $200,000 / year. I see a lot of the smart kids in my highschool do nothing with their lives. 

None of us have the same abilities. But it’s what we do with our abilities that matters. 

Hopefully these girls can find their niche. 

One thing that really helped me was knowing that we are not naturally good at anything. People start bad, they practice, they fall and they get back up and they try again. You have to be bad before your good. So we have to get comfortable being bad for a whole, but we need to put more effort.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> I like the idea .... but who do you think will pay for that ?


There are federal, state and local programs designed to meet the needs of your nieces. Start looking online. Their dad doesn't have long to live, and you're living on borrowed time plus your wife is no spring chicken. Get it set up now for their sake.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Get it set up now for their sake.


I agree, I will take your advice and start looking. Thanks.



Girl_power said:


> My question is, what is your goal? What don’t you want happen? How involved do you want to be? And how naïve is your wife in all this?


My goal is to see those two beautiful girls be independent and productive citizens, with families of their own, if they so choose. I commend you, you are another of my TAM heroes.....

I want to be involved to the degree that I need to, to make that happen, but I cannot take them into my home when he dies. Someone else is going to have to do that.

My wife is not naive, but she has accepted a FOO "norm" that they have disabilities, but not abilities. The family matriarch invoked a curse upon all her children which has endured for decades. My wife is, unfortunately, one of them. 2 of the 4 overcame in spirit and in productivity. My wife was a responsible and productive member of society who was a single-mom of two children who both accomplished. Her brother was responsible years ago when he still worked. Radically-uncontrolled diabetes struck him down at about age 45. He, and my wife, still live under the curse in spirit. He required bariatric surgery to control his diabetes, but it took it's toll on his kidneys. He's artificially alive through 3x/week dialysis.

He's the "baby" of the family..... my wife is 14 years older, she is a "mom" by nature (and, she is HER mom in spirit).



Girl_power said:


> he won’t learn anything new, and his days are numbered.


You are correct. I had so hoped that wasn't so. I tried for 10 years.



Girl_power said:


> One thing that really helped me was knowing that we are not naturally good at anything.


Dear God, please let me reach these girls with that kind of thinking.


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