# Give me the Strenght. Help desperately needed



## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

My name is Ryan. I've been married for over 17 years and have 3 beautiful young children all under the age of 8 years. On Feb 12th my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated as you can expect as I had no idea this was coming. I begged her to give me a second chance. I've always had trouble displaying my emotions effectively and since we had our first child things haven't been totally "right" in our relationship but I just chalked it up to a rough patch of having young kids like alot of people go through. I guess from my perspective, after the we had I child I kinda lost a wife. All of that focus that used to be on me now shifted to our child and it only got worse after after the birth of our other two kids (twins). I realize now that I didn't know how to express the feelings I was having and it started to build up walls within me . I guess thats where a real disconnect started to happen with both of us. She saw me disconecting and then started to build up her own walls. That started a negative spiral of emotianal withdraw for both of us. I still loved and her and do love her with all my heart and soul.
3 days after she told me this I find out she's having an emotional affair with an old high school sweethear from 20 years ago. We live 2000 miles away from where he is and they started communicating on facebook and via email and then to phone calls.. After I confronted her about it the affair went hot and heavy between them and hteir communication picked up. She initiated for us to go to counseling initially to see if the counselor could help me transition into the divorse and beyond. She says she had no idea that i felt so strongly for her still and that she tought I'd want to just walk away. Well I didn't and I don't. Our little kids and hte fact that i feel sh eis my soulmate and the love of my life isgiving me the determination to fight this as long as possible. She agreed to seek marriage counseling and to see counselling for herself as well. So we are both seeing counselors individually and as a couple. She had told me on March 6th that she would not contact him anymore. But a couple of times I found out that she had been looking at his facebook page and then i found her logged into HIS account one day. a couple of weeks later. 
The OM is amrried with two older daughters of is own and i've been in contact with his wife since the beginning (she told me about the affair). She text me yesterday and today telling me how he has finally broke off their marriage and even told his daughters about my wife and how they are going to be together.

I just got the Divorce Remedy book In hopes of getting some help there. I've asked her to go to a Marriage bootcamp in Texas in a couple weeks and she agreed. We are all booked and committed to go. She has also told me that she would give me until the end of the school year to work on it. She doesn't want a separation to impact our daughters grades. She told me that she wouldn't contact the OM during this timeframe, but she's told me repeatedly over the last few weeks that she would stop contact and didn't totally keep her word.
I'm very much afraid though since he has now called off his marriage and seems more determined than ever to possibly come here and be with her. 

Is there hope in my case?
Can I save a marriage where she wants out and says she's in love with another man?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Do the 180

She has EA and expects you to improve yourself?

I went through a D recently so this may sound odd

Buy her a plane ticket to see him

but before you go, know you leave kids here

and when you return, we can skip separation

and head right for D

she is blameshifting and as long as you let her.....

hold her accountable


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

What about the bootcamp? I think I need to go ahead and separate but I don't want to do it until after that. I guess I'm hoping she will break down some emotional walls while we are there.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

I understand why she asked for a D. Our communication has been broken since our kids came along. I am working on myself everyday. She just says if I could have only woke up 2 years ago this would never have happened.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hindsight is 20/20....she makes it out as all your fault

I'm sure you contributed to the M falling apart

but in no way....is she devine

Read up on threads here, your situation is very familiar

actually familiar to mine

the "had you woke up 2 years ago" comment

that usually indicates when their EA started

She wanted you to rescue her, how...she secretly reconnected

and now wants him, Brady Bunch is fantasy

as is everything they share

You are most likely in a confused state now

I was too but I faced it head on

Do the 180 and NC except for children matters and bills

It's a long ride.....I made it, so will you


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Also, I'm not sure if her coworkers even know about her affair. Should I call her out on it to them. I know she respects her boss very much and he is a good Christian man. I can't help but think that telling all of them in a factual, non-demeaning way wouldn't be a bad idea. Force her to live with the reality of what she's done. Her communication with her affair partner now happens almost exclusively at work on her work phone.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks chuck71 for the quick replies. It's hard to sit here and not let the racing thoughts take over. I tend to want to reason with her and that usually turns to almost begging.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Ryaex said:


> What about the bootcamp? I think I need to go ahead and separate but I don't want to do it until after that. I guess I'm hoping she will break down some emotional walls while we are there.


I've shelled out a bit of money for this. So should I start the 180 now or in a couple of weeks once we are back from the Marriage Bootcamp. :scratchhead:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

180 right now

Expose the EA to OMs wife and family

and to her family and yours

this breaks up the affair fog

I suggest a keylogger to view her actions on-line

you may have just scratched the surface

Does she work or is s SAHM


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Refer to post 6. She's a successful business woman.
And OM's wife is the one that told me about the affair. He even sat his daughters down and told them when he decided to break off marriage with OMW.
With the exception possibly of her coworkers and some friends, their affair is out in the open now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Inform boss there are non-work related agendas taking place on company time and property.


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## happyagain? (Mar 29, 2013)

I think it is admirable that you are still so in love with your wife, but if she is this attached to another man it sounds like it is already over for her.
I would not get petty and call her out to her boss. There is no need to bring others into your relationship. I do think you should be open and honest with her family and yours and let them know what you are going through.

All in all - dont expect a big breakthrough. It sounds like this was a long time coming for her. If she has been carrying on with someone else for 2 years, behind your back she is done.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Too late now. I was very tactful. Not degrading. Just the facts and asking for honest help to rebuild our marriage. I made the decision to put out there to her friends and coworkers. She made the decision to go to someone else. If she can live with her decision, I can easily live with mine. 

Their affair hasn't been going on 2 years. First contact was made only a few days before she asked for a D. It was a whirlwind I guess


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

180 underway. Immediately shook her up. She's not going to work today. I'm being careful not fall into the push/pull cycle here.


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## happyagain? (Mar 29, 2013)

I just wanted to advise not to get spiteful. She has carried on with someone else (emotionally at least) and I am sure there are concerns she has with the marriage that have led to that.

If you actually want to stay together and even if you dont - try to be respectful. Otherwise, things can get ugly really fast.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Stay focused.....spite is never right. That drops you into her thought process. Stay at 50k feet and observe


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Staying on track. I'm not angry at all. I'm not spiteful. I love her and I intend to show her that. I'm just realizing that I can't change her mind, I can only be good for me and my kids. 
She's been chasing me around the house all morning wanting to talk. I listen, but I've already told her everything I could possibly tell her over the last few weeks. So I just tell that she knows where I stand. 
I love her, and I always will.
It's her decision which way she goes, but I'm not bearing the burden of her affair anymore. I forgive myself and the things I've done. I can only go forward from here constantly striving to be a better man.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Stay focused.....spite is never right. That drops you into her thought process. Stay at 50k feet and observe


Staying at altitude. Check


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

This sounds like the situation I went through. Google 'walk away wife' which is what happened to me, kinda looks like yours too. In my situation too, by the time I knew, she was also in an EA (not as long as yours) and it was way too late to try. She went to counseling, but she only went there to confirm her pre-conceived notions about how a non-caring jerk I was. Hopefully she'll be more open during your session, but be prepared if she's just checking off a box before the divorce. 

The divorce 180 is good advice. The way I see it is it either prepares you for life after divorce, or possibly shows the wife that you're still a strong person and someone worth staying with. I didn't have kids, and I know that further complicates things and is a reason to stay together. Without kids, it was better for me too to get rid of a woman that was nothing like the one I married fifteen years ago.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Well, I can see what impact just this one day has made on her. She called the marriage counselor this morning and asked for an emergency session. That went well. I'm sticking to the 180. I just reaffirmed that I do love her but I have to just separate myself in order to not continue down that dangerous path of hope/grief emotional swings. I can tell it has shook her up some and she's been crying off and on all day. At least she's showing emotion now.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Well my above post is totally wrong. She said to the counselor and me today that she would not make contact till after our boot camp in Texas. I just checked my cellular acct and she's been texting him like crazy since we got back. 
Should I tell her I'm done and filing for divorce or ignore it and get back to 180? Or both?

Fighting my emotions with everything I've got right now.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She should not be making contact EVER. 

The answer is File. Its your only chance of making her snap out of it.

You can always pull it back if she does everything you ask of her.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds like the advice from the posts above are good sound advice. I know that some people on here have gotten back together with the ex's and they are doing well. However, for me when my husband walked out on me 4 years ago, not for another woman, but so he could spend his money on him and his son, I was devastated! After a year of being separated, we got back together, and I just cannot let go of what he did to me, I don't want someone that runs when times get tough, there are so many trust issues now.. I hope that you can get this all worked out, but until you get rid of the other man, it is going to be hard to work on the marriage, take care of you and the kids, and try to find something to occupy your mind other than your marriage.. Good luck hon.. hope it all works out for you!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes, you need to file. By texting him constantly she has proven the boot camp will be a waste of time and money. She has no intention of focusing on your marriage and improving the relationship.

Continue the 180 for your own sanity and self preservation.


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## #shouldistayorshouldigo (Mar 30, 2013)

Hi I am 22 and have been married for almost a year and a half. But we have been together for 4 years. We recently had our first child 8 months ago. We have always fought but in some ways i thought having this child would make things better. It hasnt and now im scared that i dont feel love for my husband like i use to. 
When we first met i begged him basically to go out with me. He was always a party boy and loved to drink just about every weekend. Well he got me into partying and when we bought our first house we threw the parties over there. Weve both had our mistakes of cheating but he finally proposed. As we were planning our wedding he decided he "fell" out of love with me. SO, i moved on like anyone would. When he decided he wanted me back i went back to him. (He just got scared of the marriage). 2 months after i went back i got pregnant. Fights were everyday. and being that i was pregnant the hormones definitely didnt help matters . lol. When he was born things were good for probably about 2 weeks. but things began to change. 
It started seeming like he expected me to be the one taking care of the baby and he would hold him when he felt like it. i made it a rule that he does the nightly feeding because i strongly feel that he should help raise the baby just as he helped create him. Needless to say we have fought EVERY SINGLE DAY. Out of 4 years of being together if you put the times we got along it would probably be like 3months. anyways, just recently he decided he wanted to be this great church going do no wrong man. He doesnt want to go out, drink, or anything that i enjoy doing. His day consists of going to work, getting off and playing a video game. When i ask him if i can go to the bar or even just go out with the girls he says married women shouldnt do that. And that i need jesus. NOT saying church is a bad thing AT ALL and i would love to go but he pressures me and everyone knows when your pressured to do something it pushes you further away. well when i decide to not go to church he tells our son "mommy lied" and that i need jesus and that i dont know who jesus is. He grew up in a church and i didnt so its a big deal to me to decide to go and get involved in which church ya know. 
Im only 22 and yes i have a child but that doesnt mean i have to be like a 60 year old who just sits all day . I want to look back on my life and say i had fun and although i didnt stupid things i dont regret it. and i want to be able to tell my son right from wrong but i wont be able to if i dont have a past to tell him about... does that make sense? 
We havent been sexual in about almost 3 months. and before that we hadnt had sex since i was like 5 months pregnant. I dont get "butterflies" when he tries to be intimate with me and ive gotten to where we he kisses me i move away. He says he feels like i dont feel the same about him but to me he doesnt feel the same about me. Ive recently moved to my parents to decide what i ultimately want. He says he wants me back but we still fight, cuss each other out, blah blah blah. I do love him but im not sure love is enough. Im scared to lose him because what if i make the wrong decision and i cant take it back. All my reasons for going back to him are for our son, its comfortability its all ive known for 4 years, and i dont want to hurt him, and im scared i wont find anyone else to love me. 
This may not seem like a huge situation but its been 4 years of basically not stop fighting. and now that we have a son its harder to leave but i dont want our son hearing our fights .
Anyways, thats my story... help!! lol


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

#shouldistayorshouldigo said:


> Hi I am 22 and have been married for almost a year and a half. But we have been together for 4 years. We recently had our first child 8 months ago. We have always fought but in some ways i thought having this child would make things better. It hasnt and now im scared that i dont feel love for my husband like i use to.
> When we first met i begged him basically to go out with me. He was always a party boy and loved to drink just about every weekend. Well he got me into partying and when we bought our first house we threw the parties over there. Weve both had our mistakes of cheating but he finally proposed. As we were planning our wedding he decided he "fell" out of love with me. SO, i moved on like anyone would. When he decided he wanted me back i went back to him. (He just got scared of the marriage). 2 months after i went back i got pregnant. Fights were everyday. and being that i was pregnant the hormones definitely didnt help matters . lol. When he was born things were good for probably about 2 weeks. but things began to change.
> It started seeming like he expected me to be the one taking care of the baby and he would hold him when he felt like it. i made it a rule that he does the nightly feeding because i strongly feel that he should help raise the baby just as he helped create him. Needless to say we have fought EVERY SINGLE DAY. Out of 4 years of being together if you put the times we got along it would probably be like 3months. anyways, just recently he decided he wanted to be this great church going do no wrong man. He doesnt want to go out, drink, or anything that i enjoy doing. His day consists of going to work, getting off and playing a video game. When i ask him if i can go to the bar or even just go out with the girls he says married women shouldnt do that. And that i need jesus. NOT saying church is a bad thing AT ALL and i would love to go but he pressures me and everyone knows when your pressured to do something it pushes you further away. well when i decide to not go to church he tells our son "mommy lied" and that i need jesus and that i dont know who jesus is. He grew up in a church and i didnt so its a big deal to me to decide to go and get involved in which church ya know.
> Im only 22 and yes i have a child but that doesnt mean i have to be like a 60 year old who just sits all day . I want to look back on my life and say i had fun and although i didnt stupid things i dont regret it. and i want to be able to tell my son right from wrong but i wont be able to if i dont have a past to tell him about... does that make sense?
> ...


Start your own thread. You'll get help.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Update:
After being very stern and telling her I was leaving to stay at a friends house after the discovery of her texting frenzy, she broke down and said that she did love me and that she did want to work on our marriage. She gave me her phone and ipad and told me to just hang on to them. So I ended up just going to bed and slept with her phone under my pillow.
This morning we got up and she called him in front of me to tell him it was over and that she was going to work on our marriage. I kept her phone all day while we took our three kids plus 2 of our nieces to the zoo. She had a rough day and I knew she was thinking about him a lot. 
When we got home from the zoo, I had a big breakdown and wept. This is just so nerve wrecking. 
She has a very addictive personality.
OM is insistent on telling her how much her loves her and how they were meant to be.
She does admit that she loves me.......and him.

I still have a week and a half till boot camp. 
I just don't know what to do.?????


I LOVE MY WIFE?


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

In my own scenario, she also fessed up to the EA and said she would stop contacting the man. Like you, I wanted the marriage to work and believed her.. but hopefully unlike you, my ex-wife DID continue cheating (and I caught her doing so). 

I feel this whole I love 'both of you' is crap and she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. I know you want to be the better man and protect the marriage, but I think you deserve better than a woman who allows her attentions to be diverted like this. 

Still, its a personal decision, for sure. All I can advise is just because she gave you her phone and tablet doesn't mean she still doesn't have other ways of contacting the other man she still 'loves'. Keep monitoring other communication methods. If you have a wireless router in your house, its pretty easy to monitor the traffic, and even though sometimes packets will be encrypted, you can usually tell the destination (mine showed heavy activity from her devices to match.com, chemistry.com, etc) 

Good luck. Remember, you do deserve a woman that gives you her love unconditionally.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

justforfun1222 said:


> I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds like the advice from the posts above are good sound advice. I know that some people on here have gotten back together with the ex's and they are doing well. However, for me when my husband walked out on me 4 years ago, not for another woman, but so he could spend his money on him and his son, I was devastated! After a year of being separated, we got back together, and I just cannot let go of what he did to me, I don't want someone that runs when times get tough, there are so many trust issues now.. I hope that you can get this all worked out, but until you get rid of the other man, it is going to be hard to work on the marriage, take care of you and the kids, and try to find something to occupy your mind other than your marriage.. Good luck hon.. hope it all works out for you!


 Thanks for the kind words. Getting rid of OM I fear is going to be HARD. He's just as lustful for this as she is. I can feel she's torn up.



devotion said:


> In my own scenario, she also fessed up to the EA and said she would stop contacting the man. Like you, I wanted the marriage to work and believed her.. but hopefully unlike you, my ex-wife DID continue cheating (and I caught her doing so).
> 
> I feel this whole I love 'both of you' is crap and she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. I know you want to be the better man and protect the marriage, but I think you deserve better than a woman who allows her attentions to be diverted like this.
> 
> ...


 I realize now that letting her go is the only way to get her back. I just have to know whether she's going or staying. The limbo is so hard. I feel like I need to really harden myself again in order to let her go in my heart. Hard to do and very ironic.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

End of day update

We went to her mothers with the kids for Easter.
She came to me a few times today and said she was struggling with the NC. As far as I can tell she pulled through each instance. Tomorrow will be a real challenge.


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## cheburg123 (Dec 10, 2012)

I wish you the best. My ordeal started pretty much the identical way yours did. Marriage was fine, had 3 kids. Suddenly I feel like a 3rd class citizen and grumble through 6 more years of feeling ignored. I shut down. She shut down. She then meets slimeball with track record (that she admits to) of having affairs with married women. Mine was unwilling to work on anything. It all started 2 years, 2 months ago. 

I can tell you as much as I wanted to save marriage and as upset as I was during the process I am now freshly divorced and life goes on. In many ways it got better. 

Keep your head up. Take care of yourself. Exercise, get a good group of friends, love your kids, do small things for yourself through all this. You can't fix another person. Marriage takes 2, if either checks out the remaining person can't make up for it.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Feel free to contact me if needed.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Raeyx: Why don't you move your thread to the Coping with Infidelity forum? You will get a lot more guidance there for your situation.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

How do I move this to the "coping with infedelity" forum.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You can contact an administrator and ask them to move it for you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ryaex
Change her phone # and email.

Or at the very least block his number on her phone and change the email. 

Have her write a NC letter find a prototype on the newbie thread. 
In the letter she should tell the OM that further contact will be reported as stalking or harassment.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ask your wife to handwrite a no contact letter. Hand Write. On Paper. By Hand. Not typed. Not emailed, not phoned, not texted. Handwritten on paper by your wife.

_Other Man First Name, Last Name:

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my husband, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best wife that he deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my husband and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

If you attempt to contact me again in any way, shape, or form, I will file harassment charges against you.

My husband has all the details of our relationship and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Signed,

Wife Name_

After she writes this, she gives it to you to proofread, then mail, by CERTIFIED MAIL, to the other man. The letter contains no niceties, no terms of endearment, no I'm sorry it didn't work out or I will always remember you fondly, just that there should be no more contact and harassment charges will be filed if there is any attempt at contact.

This is to help her mentally get over her feelings for the other man. Handwriting it gives a sense of reality to the ending of the relationship. Her willingness to write it alon gives you a window to her state of mind.

On the other end, other man will take such a handwritten letter sent and recieved by certified mail, threatening a harassment charge, much more seriously than a phone call, text, or even an email.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Take her phone and iPad and put them in a safe deposit box. That way, if she has a weak moment, they are not easily accessible.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you get the chance, ask her if he is planning on leaving his kids 2000 miles behind and rarely seeing them or if she is planning on leaving her kids behind. Neither can take their kids out of the area you live in. What kind of person would be that kind of parent?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to provoke the OM a bit, provoked people make mistakes and look weak and unattractive.

Post him up on cheaterville.com and send him the link.

Btw, there is no way started after she asked for the D.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You might want to provoke the OM a bit, provoked people make mistakes and look weak and unattractive.
> 
> Post him up on cheaterville.com and send him the link.
> 
> Btw, there is no way started after she asked for the D.


Please, please, please, do this and send him the link tonight. Anytime his name is googled he will be outed as a cheater. Fight ths with every weapon you can come up with.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Is this boot camp in Galveston? I wished my wife would go, but she doesn't think we have a problem.
.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> Is this boot camp in Galveston? I wished my wife would go, but she doesn't think we have a problem.
> .


This ones in Dallas.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Really tired will post update in the a.m.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hi Ryaex,

I am VERY impressed with your reaction to the mess in which your wife has entangled you. 

My thoughts, for what they are worth:

1. You should not leave your house. She is the one straying. Not you. She can sleep in another bedroom or find a place to stay elsewhere. 

2. Continue shock treatment. Cheaters ONLY understand their own pain and not the pain they cause their husbands/wives. Your pain is irrelevant in her decision-making. It's all about her. Remember that. It is only when she "gets it" that she is throwing away her entire life - that you will move on - that she may be shocked/scared enough to choose you over her fling. Then comes reconciliation - which you will find lots of information about on this site.

3. How pathetic that someone can throw their life away - and their kids and loved ones around - for someone who clearly has no record of caring about others. I agree with Chapperal: 

"When you get the chance, ask her if he is planning on leaving his kids 2000 miles behind and rarely seeing them or if she is planning on leaving her kids behind. Neither can take their kids out of the area you live in. What kind of person would be that kind of parent?" 

4. Read the newbie links - they help you make sense of what you're going through:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I like the rest here am rooting for your ultimate happiness and wellbeing - whichever way it best is achieved. I hope your wife can be shocked into realizing her mistake. Anyone have statistics (with the source) on how many marriages to an affair partner actually last? It may be comforting to know.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If guilt is the only thing holding her back, you don't stand much of a chance. You cannot be a warden for the rest of your life. So she loves a guy she met a month and half back and her husband of 17 years equally ?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Only 10 % of affairs last thrre years. Of that 10 % , only 1% will last really long term.
That's 100 to one against. Some more optimistic studies make it 3 out of 100. Very gruesome statistics.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I wonder if she made it through the work day, yesterday, without contacting him? Do you know?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The is the only way you are going to shake her out of this is to separate. She can't have you both.

Right now you are meeting some of her needs and he is meeting the rest. Take you out of the equation and let her depend on this loser OM. 

A man who would abandon his kids and wife on flimsy airie farie fantasy is a real catch. 

I think she is addicted to a time and place not the man. She does not see it that way. It's the escape from an unhappy situation back to what she remembers as a carefree blissful time. 

There is a reason that he is an ex and she was not as happy as she remembers. 

If she has any sense at all, she will realize that this man is hardly an answer to her desires to escape to happy times. He is a nightmare. 

When she has to depend on this waste of skin to plan where tgey live, where money to support the happy union will come from, how she will manage to convince you to let her take your kids 2000 miles away, she will reconsider. 

She is taking the easy way out. if she is willing to work on HER problems she can have the fantasy with you. She has a man who loves her very much and wonderful children. 

Follow through with the separation and let her know that if she does not stop talking to this man her marriage is over. If its goes physical don't come back when he decides to dump her and go back to his family. 

Don't worry, i think chances are good that she wil come to her senses when she does not have you around and she has to depend on this clown OM. 

Don't let her blame you. She is acting deceitful, selfish and hurtful. You are not.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Ryaex,

Sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you are not afraid to do the things necessary to save your marriage. And you also know what a long, hard, difficult road this will be.

I think you already know this, but any marriage counseling or boot camps will be a complete waste of time and money if she continues to contact the other man. No progress can be made while she is still in contact.

You say she's agreed to no contact until after boot camp...not good enough. You need her to agree to no contact FOR LIFE before YOU will consider the boot camp.

She is addicted and needs your help to go no contact. The good news is that she has even asked for your help by giving you the phone and pad. Good start, now take it and run with it.

1) Have her write and mail a no-contact letter that you approve. There are templates on this site. Overhearing the conversation was a start, but the act of actually writing out the letter will help bring closure to both of you.

2) While you have her phone, get her a new number and totally block the OM's number and delete all contact info.

3) Meet with a lawyer and get things ready to file. Show her that he is just waiting for your phone call to file the papers. Then let your wife know in no uncertain terms that you will make that call on the very next contact. We've all been in the cycle where you demand no contact over and over, the wife agrees, then breaks no contact with no consequences. This cycle never works, there has to be dire consequences.

4) You have to be resolved to let her go to have a chance of winning her back.

5) There will be withdrawal from the OM if no contact is followed. This is a tough time, be strong. Give her love and support, but you don't have to hold and comfort her when she's pining for OM.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

I think you really need some legal advice here as well.
If things work out for you fine but if not you need to know what your legal options are.

Hopefully it wont come to that but best to know in advance.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks to all for the great advice I've received here.

Update:

Yesterday we had a counseling appt. and she was ready to LEAVE/Seperate walking in the door.- First day back at work after I had sent a "affair disclosure letter" to her boss and coworkers. She was livid going in and said she wanted a seperation. - I subsequently said the same thing because I can't live with the anxiety I am feeling through this. When we left the MC though the mood was much calmer and not nearly as hostile. I decided to stay in our RV outside just to get some sleep and not be tempted to lay next to her and talk and/or sit up all night and second guess myself or start trying to spy again.

Had a talk today and she asked if I was at turning point where I didn't want it to work. I replied that I did want us to work but I won't go on with him in the picture and that it takes 2 to make it work.

I feel so much better about myself now. I hit absolute rock bottom last thursday and am getting stronger every day. I'm resisting the urge to try to comfort her. I know that I have to let her go in my mind in order to get her back in heart. So I'm moving staying at altitude and not chasing or going down cheeseless tunnels. 

I know now that I'll be Ok even if we don't work out. I'm making positive changes for myself and am proud of how I've handled this. 
I'm keeping my distance emotionally so that I don't get hit so hard if this some kind of false R that is starting.

Feeling much better about myself.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Be very very very careful. Separations are also used to make EAs into PAs. 

Did you recover her texts?

Wow #500 for me now.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

If I was talking to another man's wife, telling her I loved her, I wanted her while she was still living in the same house as the man..and the husband knows..and I still contact her, tell me why would I do that..maybe it's because I see her husband as absolutely zero a threat to me.

Maybe it's time you had a little man to man talk with this guy. I'm not talking about threatening the guy or saying silly nonsense, I'm talking about calling out his BS. I just can't believe you lay down and didn't even try to contact him.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> If I was talking to another man's wife, telling her I loved her, I wanted her while she was still living in the same house as the man..and the husband knows..and I still contact her, tell me why would I do that..maybe it's because I see her husband as absolutely zero a threat to me.
> 
> Maybe it's time you had a little man to man talk with this guy. I'm not talking about threatening the guy or saying silly nonsense, I'm talking about calling out his BS. I just can't believe you lay down and didn't even try to contact him.


Called him more than once. Wouldn't answer.

Emailed him twice. The first time I emailed him I got "I'm sorry" and that was it. NO reply second time.
This isn't necessarily about him, even though I've had some very vivid daydreams about what I will do if we EVER meet face to face. He will never be around my family.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

I've read almost every exchange they've had in text or by email/facebook. Hurtful stuff to read.

I'm over it now. If she wants him them she'll just have to go and be with him. I've told her I love her, but I will not continue with him in the picture. Period.
I WILL move out and I will File.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> The is the only way you are going to shake her out of this is to separate. She can't have you both.
> 
> Right now you are meeting some of her needs and he is meeting the rest. Take you out of the equation and let her depend on this loser OM.
> 
> ...


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> I've read almost every exchange they've had in text or by email/facebook. Hurtful stuff to read.
> 
> I'm over it now. If she wants him them she'll just have to go and be with him. I've told her I love her, but I will not continue with him in the picture. Period.
> I WILL move out and I will File.


Well done. Please do not wait to see _if_ she wants to keep him in the picture. She wants to and she will.

File now. Then she will see what's coming.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ryaex

Keep to the 180. It's going to serve you well. Good move in being proactive and not sleeping with her. Why don't you ask her to sleep in the RV from now on? She want to go - then let her start practicing by leaving the bedroom.

What was the response from her work? Did you request a reply?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> Thanks to all for the great advice I've received here.
> 
> Update:
> 
> ...


This is so great to hear! You are getting stronger and your confidence will be much more attractive to her or any woman for that matter. She will see that you're not willing to settle for whatever she wants to dish out and that if she doesnt get her stuff together you will be gone and find someone that appreciates and respects you!

We all long to get to this point (including me...HAHA).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, she wants you both to go to counselling. And she wants to say to the counsellor: "Counsellor person, I have been having an online affair for some time with a former lover. I want you to convince my husband to get the f**k out of my life and the lives of our children."

Why is it that when I picture your wife in my mind's eye I see this image?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Ryaes, you are getting excellent advice from folks who have walked the path you are on. I will say one thing here. You do not move out of your house. She is the one who is in the affair, she is the one breaking the marriage vows, she is the one placing the OM over her husband, her children and her marriage. She is the one who should move out.

Glad you finally realized that you cannot "nice" or "beg" her out of an affair. Don't waste any more time or money on MC or the "bootcamp" - these are for couples trying to salvage a marriage and make it stronger. The key word here is COUPLES, as in two people. Your wife is not part of the effort to save your marriage, it is all a waste of time and money until she becomes truly sorry for what she has done. And, NO, I do not believe a person can be in love with two people at the same time.

Do not waste your time trying to talk or communicate with OM. But stay in touch with OM's wife.

Until OM is out of the picture and out of her mind you have nothing to work toward. Maintain your 180 and start getting D papers ready. If you love her - let her go find her happiness.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you ask her which of them was going to move 2000 miles and abandon the children.

Did you put him on cheaterville.com?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> I had sent a "affair disclosure letter" to her boss and coworkers. She was livid going in and said she wanted a seperation.
> 
> Had a talk today and she asked if I was at turning point where I didn't want it to work. I replied that I did want us to work but I won't go on with him in the picture and that it takes 2 to make it work.


If she brings up the exposure, tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and family, and that you make no apologies for doing so.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Where do you stand in the reconciliation process right now?

1. Is she still maintaining that she will cease contacting the other man while she works on the marriage? If so, has she actually ceased contact with him or is just hiding it from you?

2. Do you still have her iPhone and iPad because she knows she will give in to the temptation to contact other man?

3. Are you still booked for relationship boot camp and is she still planning to go?

4. Do you know how long this online affair has been going on?

5. Have they met up?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> I begged her to give me a second chance.


A lot of cheating wives want the betrayed husband "to fight for them;" interestingly, I've never seen a cheating wife define what they mean by "fighting for her."

I do know that almost to a woman, the cheating wives who have posted here have stated what a huge turnoff it is to see their betrayed husbands begging, pleading, whining, and crying for them to stay after they basically kicked them in the balls with the affair.

Whenever you take a hard line that she isn't happy with, tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage. It's OK to let her know that you love her, but that you have too much pride, dignity, and self-respect to beg and plead with her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

As chap has posted, I would be interested to hear what her thoughts are on custody and visitation with other man also having children, with his children and your childrent living 2000 miles apart.

Does she think you will allow her to take your children to move near other man, or vice versa?

Do either of them not care enough for their kids that they would mind only seeing them one weekend per month?

Will they have a long-distance relationship where they take turns visiting each other?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No matter what---YOU DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME---she can leave----in fact why don't you pack her clothes, and tell her to go to him---tell her enuff is enuff

Somewhere along the line she is gonna figure out she didn't make it with him the 1st time around---this time ain't gonna be any better---and she will have lost her family on top of that

By all means show her the door----only way she stays is with total and complete NC----SHE NEEDS A TASTE OF HARD REALITY---give it to her


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

R don't leave your house. Suppose she decides to take your kids on a 2000 mile junket to visit a friend while you are sleeping in the RV or out of the house. 

I would stay on site to keep an eye on things. There is the question of abandonment that needs to be considered as well.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> If she brings up the exposure, tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and family, and that you make no apologies for doing so.


I did tell her that at the MC yesterday. 
We talked at lunch today. She asked me what I wanted. She said she thought I might be getting to a turn using point where I didn't want her anymore ( absolutely not true). I told her I wanted "us" to be happy and to have a whole family again. I told her that I was absolutely done if she contacts him again. She then told me she an appt with a lawyer today but didn't want to go. Later found out that she did go for a consultation. 

I'm sleeping in our bed tonight (i desperately need a good nights sleep and sleeping in the RV isn't the best) and she's sleeping in our daughters room with her. After I got in bed, and she had left the room I admittedly did break down a little and she came back in and layer next to me for a few. I feel bad for letting her see that but it's been an exhausting couple of days of being so upbeat\ resolute/ and I'm just utterly exhausted from this all.anyhow, tomorrow is a new day.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Sometimes it's hard to judge what it's right. If she really is trying to R and is just still sorting through other resentment issues then I know I have to be patient as well. Finding the balance at stern/ aloof / and kind and considerate are tough.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Ry- there is no right way to do this. You read what you can here and in books, go to IC and MC and frankly you do your best. I am 13 months post DDay and still wonder if I have done anything right. We are trying R, but it is very very hard. I would say don't make any decisions yet. Most importantly don't listen to a dam word she says right now. Get healthy, work out and sleep if you can. That is the best thing you can do now.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

happyagain? said:


> I just wanted to advise not to get spiteful. She has carried on with someone else (emotionally at least) and I am sure there are concerns she has with the marriage that have led to that.
> 
> If you actually want to stay together and even if you dont - try to be respectful. Otherwise, things can get ugly really fast.


WTF. 

How much more ugly can it get with her destroying his family?

Now is not the time to be nice.

Expose away!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> WTF.
> 
> How much more ugly can it get with her destroying his family?
> 
> ...


:wtf::banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> I did tell her that at the MC yesterday.
> We talked at lunch today. She asked me what I wanted. She said she thought I might be getting to a turn using point where I didn't want her anymore (absolutely not true). I told her I wanted "us" to be happy and to have a whole family again. I told her that I was absolutely done if she contacts him again. She then told me she an appt with a lawyer today but didn't want to go. Later found out that she did go for a consultation.
> 
> I'm sleeping in our bed tonight (i desperately need a good nights sleep and sleeping in the RV isn't the best) and she's sleeping in our daughters room with her. After I got in bed, and she had left the room I admittedly did break down a little and she came back in and layer next to me for a few. I feel bad for letting her see that but it's been an exhausting couple of days of being so upbeat\ resolute/ and I'm just utterly exhausted from this all.anyhow, tomorrow is a new day.


At this point, there seems to be a conflict between her words and her actions. She is telling you she is not contacting him, which in turn implies that she is working on the marriage, yet she also is going to a lawyer for a "consult." This, to me, shows she is hedging her bets. If YOU went to see a lawyer, it would be a different story. SHE has openly stated she wants a divorce, so it is wise for you to consult with a lawyer. YOU have openly stated that you want to stay married, the only way you would divorce her is if she continued her affair. So her going to a lawyer points more in the direction of her continuing in the affair and still seriously considering divorce.

Plus, she told you she wouldn't contact him a few weeks ago, then was contacting him anyway.

If there is a conflict between words and actions, believe the actions.

One other thing I find very troubling in your situation is what the other man's wife told you. She said her husband just left her and told their daughters. I would be suspicious it's part of an agreed-upon plan with your wife. She already asked for divorce and was trying to get you set up with counseling to get over the trauma. Your wife is having second thoughts about leaving you for him, and he is trying to force her hand, saying "look, I held up my end of the agreement (ruined my marriage and burned all bridges), now it's your turn." It's troubling that she seems to have her love for you, her husband of 17 years, on the same level with him, a high school sweetheart from 20 years ago, who she supposedly only started chatting with again a few months ago.

She will not want to hurt you or him, but she has to hurt one of you. She will be reluctant to tell you anything bad, she will try to minimize it to keep from hurting you. "I'm thinking of going to see a lawyer, but don't be upset, I really don't want to go" and then later when you ask, "yes, I went, but it was just a consult."

So don't put too much weight on her words; watch her actions closely.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Like I said before mate you really need some legal advice
before you get suckerpunched.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OM and your wife are restlessly taking all the necessary steps to run off the sunset. OM already toke the final steps of burning his bridges (exposing himslef to children). 
You wife si already talking to lawyers.
What's going on is obvious, believe her actions, not a single word (wich by the way she never respected). She's determined to divorce you. 

Tough love. Lawyer yourself, expose to people she respects, tell her go to OM (they truly are a match) and implement immediately the 180. Tell her you can stomach the divorce, you won't share her ever and you won't never accept OM in your children's life. Ever. She can go.

Don't tell her what your conditions are anymore, she knows them, they are obvious. Don't go to MC anymore, skip any activity which imply investing in the marriage as long as OM is un the picture, don't beg, hide your emotions as best as you can.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Could it be she is obligated to make some moves after the OM announced the end of his marriage ? Is OM forcing a situation on OP and his wife ?

This is the weakest moment for the wife to make a decision. They still haven't addressed the resentments with one another while the OM is making sure he comes off as a fresh start, an escape from all the troubles


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> At this point, there seems to be a conflict between her words and her actions. She is telling you she is not contacting him, which in turn implies that she is working on the marriage, yet she also is going to a lawyer for a "consult." This, to me, shows she is hedging her bets. If YOU went to see a lawyer, it would be a different story. SHE has openly stated she wants a divorce, so it is wise for you to consult with a lawyer. YOU have openly stated that you want to stay married, the only way you would divorce her is if she continued her affair. So her going to a lawyer points more in the direction of her continuing in the affair and still seriously considering divorce.
> 
> Plus, she told you she wouldn't contact him a few weeks ago, then was contacting him anyway.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Absolutely true. A WS will LIE to keep and maintain an upper hand and to get what SHE wants. It's her actions, not her words, that should be a guide as to how to move forward.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

I understand and I am watching her actions. She's not talking about him hardly at all, almost nil. I'm still trying to keep my guard up though. She is leaving her phone around and not guarding it anymore, even her new work phone (with a new number). She's looking at the "surviving infedelity forum" and some other hypnosis forum. I do see some positive signs. We are not sleeping in the same bed right now. I had moved out to the RV for one night but needed good sleep desperately so I came back into our bed and she's sleeping with our daughter or on the couch. This is just so I'm not so anxiety prone if she wakes up and gets out of bed in the middle of the night and we need our space at the moment. At least for now the seperation talk has died down. Our conversations are never angry or resentful. We are laughing again during our talks about little things.
I'm accepting the fact that we may not work out though I am extremely hopeful that we can work through this. I don't believe it is in her character to get mean and nasty about any seperation or divorce agreements. She is a very good person and is in a place right now where she is really doing some soul searching to figure out who she is, and so am I. She has always been one to talk herself into a particular mindset and once there it's hard for her to come out of it. She had talked herself into leaving me and now I feel like she's rethinking that frame of mind.

Yesterday we had MC appt. It was by far the best one we've had to date. There was really good communication and we both agreed to stop chasing the negative right now and just be patient and take it day by day. We are going to bootcamp next week and I told her we should not expect to come out of it knowing one way or the other and I don't want to search for that answer while I'm there. I'm hoping we can just go to learn about ourselves and about our relationship. I'm sure we will be able to connect with each other again through this, or at least open up some doors and break down some emotional barriers within each of us. I'm excited to go just in the fact that it's an opportunity for self improvement. I know we will still need to go to counseling for a long while both as individuals and as a co-parents (hopefully couple).
I am feeling better about myself everyday. My relationship with my kids is improving daily, my outlook on my own future is improving everyday and I know I'll be o.k. if she can't find it in her heart to fully come back into this relationship. 
I must be patient (love is patient) and be willing to let time heal mine and her wounds. I am not an innocent party in the troubles in our marriage, I'm just at the point where I'm really willing to look into myself to see why I have been the person I've been and who it is I want to be. I just got a big promotion at work that I was prepared to turn down when this all first started but now I see that the new job and responsibilities will be great for me to keep busy during the day and not have to work overtime as much. This will actually leave me more time at home to be with the kids and to find things I like to do. I start the day after we get back from our Bootcamp.

All I can do is be the best me I can be at the given moment. I've been feeling great in the mornings. So my coworkers are seeing a much better side of me. By the evening though I'm getting a little run down (normal tiredness). Harder to stay as upbeat in the evenings when we are all at home but I'm doing better.

Feedback welcome and encouraged (you're all a great help)


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

And by the way I did go see a lawyer a few weeks ago.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You sound calm. I'm glad you are.
Please, stay vigilant. She's on drugs, I highly doubt they are not comunicating after OM's move to burn his own marriage. He must be reaching out like a mad man regardless she ignores his pressure or not. So pull up the phone bill, if you can't see OM incoming texts messages or calls he's using other avenues. It's a no brainer.


Ryaex said:


> She's looking at the "surviving infedelity forum" and some other hypnosis forum.


I'm curious. Hypnosis? To get past the withdrawal, to cope with NC?

ETA
If the are in touch then MC, camps or wharever investiment in the marriage is a complete waste.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I'm curious. Hypnosis? To get past the withdrawal, to cope with NC?
> 
> ETA
> If the are in touch then MC, camps or wharever investiment in the marriage is a complete waste.


I'm not sure about the hypnosis thing....It's foreign to me.

I'm looking a the marriage boot camp / life enrichment bootcamp as an opportunity for my own personal growth regardless. If we make a breakthrough then it's definitely icing on the cake.

I am calm and doing much better now. I can see that my life will be GREAT either way. I'd rather the one, but I can accept the other too at this point. I do and always will love her. She's the mother of our beautiful children and a great one at that. I'm hoping we can leave the pain of all of this behind us and move forward but I know that it will take alot of time and patience and that it's possibel it might not happen at all. You have to look for the silver lining in every situation. I know that this experience is making a stronger person and a better person. I CAN DO THIS.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Find out more about the OM if you can. Your wife is an adult but I think she is being manipulated in this situation.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Find out more about the OM if you can. Your wife is an adult but I think she is being manipulated in this situation.


I'd say it's more like the guy took a leap of faith but his AP (OP's wife) had cold feet and just left him hanging. He's desperate...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry, I had to skip a lot but has anyone suggested you read No More Mr. Nice Guy, or Married Man's Sex Life Primer? If not, please read the books.

Make sure your wife understand one thing if nothing else; if she leaves, the kids stay. Period.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Please give yourself a 2x4 to the head, she is not a great mother. Great mothers do not destroy their kids families for a fantasy romance with a ********* who would dump his own family for a married woman. You are in your own fog right now, and it is working against you. I know you want more than anything for this crap to be over, to have never happened in the first place, but that's not how it is, not how it will ever be. Get mad, put your foot down! Has she given you a nc letter to send? Have you even discussed it? Have you talked about what divorce would be like? How you view things? I did, my wife had rose coloured glasses on about it. Assumed I'd have no objection at all to continuing to bust my ass everyday to make at least as much as I do now, and the courts would make me give her as much as she wanted. No f'ing way! I'd go to jail or live on the street, rather than become a slave to an unjust system. She knows I'm serious, and stubborn enough to do it too. That was kind of a wake up call for her. So was how much I reacted to the whole thing. She'd constructed such a warped idea in her head to justify her actions, she thought I wouldn't care about her affair either, that I didn't care about her or the kids. They really go to town rationalizing to make their own actions ok, to place the blame for their stupid choices on the betrayed spouse.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

So today the wife comes home and tells me that AP sent her an email today and that she didn't respond. We agreed that I would. I sent a not so nice email in reply telling him that she didn't EVER want to talk to him again and that he should get that through his thick head and get on with his life. That he should try to fix his marriage like we are doing IF he can. Fishing.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

I did tell her if he pulls this **** again she would be hand writing a NC letter.


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## Ryaex (Mar 29, 2013)

She knows that anymore contact and I'm gone.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ryaex said:


> I did tell her if he pulls this **** again she would be hand writing a NC letter.


Way to wimp out there. Stop! Or I'll say Stop again! Demand she write the letter now, take it to the post office tomorrow, the OMW may be able to give you an address to have it sent to, I'd suggest his place of work. Keep a copy of the letter, and request a delivery receipt, if he contacts her again, you've got a paper trail to request a restraining order. You need to continually up the cost to him of pursuing your wife. Expose him on his Facebook if he has one. Are he and your wife friends on it still? There's your gateway onto his newsfeed. Scorched earth man, stand up for your marriage! Don't you realize you are in a war? Reread your whole thread, then do it again. Get real dude, you are your own worst enemy right now, because you aren't taking strong enough steps to help your own cause.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

well..... if staying married to her is what you really want, who are we to deter you. you must stay vigilant, though. there is no way you can trust her the same way ever again.


the NC letter should be sent, regardless of his fishing attempts. i suggest you send it ASAP and inform this SOB that he will be hit with a RO if he persists. do this NOW!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Force her to send the NC, aproved by you, just NOW.
It's ending the affair for good.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Credit to her for telling you about the contact though.


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