# Emotionally Distant Wife & My therapist... Really Need Advice



## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

:scratchhead::scratchhead:
Let me first start off by saying I will be married 10 years in May and together 12. We have an 9 year old little girl . I have posted my story here a few weeks ago & received some great advice but things have changed a bit. I am not sure what to do now. 
It's been about 6 weeks since my wife had that " I am not happy with us " conversation ( she initiated that ) . We have had up and down moments since then . I find out a little more each week about how I hurt her over the past few years . She had been showing me warning signs but I was did not see them. I was ill for a few years & pushed her away. I was only trying to protect her & I didn't let her share in my pain and struggle. I am better now. I got well over the past 2 years but got very involved at work with trying to keep my Job during these tough economic times . While I was off working . My wife began working on herself and is now not needing me for any emotional support . I am crushed but I am now in this situation . I can deal with it or bail. I love my wife and daughter so I want to try and repair my marriage . 
She has said terms like we have been " disconnected " for awhile now . I agree . I shut her out and she has built up a "wall " emotionally ( as she describes it) & she is "having trouble letting me back into her life" . So of course , I accused her of cheating. I did this on 3 different occasions over the past month. As recently as 4 days ago. She has denied it . I didn't believe her . A couple of weeks ago , she left her cell home by mistake and I came home from work early. I had to go through it .I went through all Emails, texts & phone logs. I found nothing . I went to see if her password was changed on her laptop today. It was not changed . So I am giving up on the idea she is cheating . I have been Stalking her facebook page too. Ugh...I Can't do that anymore . It's making me insane . I really have not found any clues of another man & I have been looking . 

I have been going to therapy for about 6 weeks to work on insecurities & depression. I am also reading a lot of self help books about marriage . I have learned a lot & I feel like I am moving in the right direction with my behavior and outlook on life. I took too much for granted. My therapist is really bringing me down. I leave angry or anxious after our weekly session . I think I should stop going . My therapist is divorced and had a husband who cheated on her . She told me so. I have explained my situation in detail . I told I have checked out the phone records , went through her cell phone & confronted her about cheating . I have explained that My wife doesn't get strange calls or texts messages late at night. Her phone is not guarded 24/7. She doesn't stay out late or have girls night outs....BUT Week after week she gets me fired up, making me angry & suspicious of wife. My therapist still seems bitter about her divorce. Can she really give me good advice ? Can she really help me? After a long week of some progress at home and then I walk out of the office angry . My wife has not come with me to therapy but has offered to go when I am ready. Would you keep going ? I feel like I am learning more on my own but she is a professional. I don't know what to do with the whole therapist thing.
I am working on myself. My wife is happy that I am doing this. But It's very hard for me know how to treat her in this situation. I tried giving her a lot attention at first but that just came off as needy & desperate on my part. I did not get any reaction out her . In fact, I think I empowered her to keep this emotional wall up . I have read that I need to get her to chase me again . A nice idea but very hard to do in my situation . We live together . We have dinner together as a family. We go out on weekends together . Even sleep in the same bed. We do even more now as a family than we ever did....BUT That wall is up .She is going through the motions. No doubt about it. She rarely is the one initiating contact with me. I have to do that now. The tables have turned and she knows that I am chasing her. There are moments that I feel a connection again and then there moments where I feel like she hates me. So cold. Mostly Short answers when we talk or text each other. When we are together we have seem to get close and when she is out at work or with her family I get the cold side of her . SHe is getting close to 40 years old now. I think she is doing some soul searching and is not sure if she wants to be with me for rest of her life. My in-laws don't like me much anymore either..Ugh & most likely give her an potential for her to go home to them with our Kid! That another story. So I don't have any allies right now . I am in a bad spot & I think only my actions can save us ? I feel likes it's a bit unfair but I did not realize the hurt that I had given her over the years. I was not very supportive of with her endeavors. I was jealous and controlling . This was one of biggest faults . I see that now .I did apologize for my actions but the apology didn't cut it.
She is starting to notice some of my changes , physically & mentally. I get a compliment here and there. Of course , I figured since I worked on myself now that she should beak that wall down! Well that is not happening right now . We have never gone though anything like this before . When we are home I have this urge to be close to her all the time. When I am away from her , I am always thinking of something I could text her so I can keep in contact with her. I am sure it is getting annoying and not coming off very attractive . She is on my mind almost 24/7 and it consumes me. It's fear of losing her . I know acting and thinking like that can't be good and will not work on getting her back to me .
Have you been in a situation similar to mine ? How long did it take for your loved one to come back to you emotionally ? How did you treat the person that cut you off? How did you act at home with your spouse? 
I realize that there is a chance she may never come back but right now I want to try and save my marriage .:scratchhead:


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

If you decide that therapy is right for you, I think you need to change therapists. You should not be coming away from a session designed to help you by feeling angry. She isn't being very professional IMO. Re your wife. You need to talk to her and explain your feelings for her, and how desperate you are to make things right and better for you both. Then you need to ask her outright if there is still a chance to make your marriage work, you need to listen very carefully to what she says and be prepared for the worst and to move on, as tough as it may seem, you can't make a marriage work if only one of you is committed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like you need to change your therapist. 

There is a way that has a high potential for you to win your wife back. It's doing what is called the Plan A. Basically you find out what her most important needs are and you find ways to fill those. There are two books that I link to in my signature block below... "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They would go a long way in getting your marriage back on track.

Dr. Harley is the author of the books. He does phone marriage "coaching". I think you would benefit quite a bit by having a session or two with him as he could put you the right track for doing a very good/strong Plan A.

If you get the books you probably don't want to share them with your wife because she might think that the changes you make are just part of gaming her to get her back. They have to be real.. you will change quite a bit as a person if you do them. She will know if you are just play acting.


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

I agree about changing therapists. Find a man.

Also, you dont get to choose when your wife takes the wall back down. You are chasing her, but you must because you blocked her out. I for one will try to remember not to do that in the future; it makes sense that a wife would want to be involved and grow emotionally as a couple through the hard times.

The way I see it, you're on the right track. Put your efforts into fixing yourself. Eventually you will start resembling the man she fell in love with enough for her to really start coming around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry to be the downer again. Among all of the "keep it up" and "you can do it" posts, look for the "I was in the same boat as you, we fixed it, and here's how we did it" posts. You will get many of the former and very few of the latter. 

My one shot with therapy was a waste of time, so I can't give you advice there. Read the 180 posts. That's what you need. Make yourself better for you and your daughter. Your wife is probably gone for good. Think about it: how many unmarried couples break up then get back together? Not many. And with those unmarried couples there is distance, separation and "absence makes the heart grow fonder" dynamics working into it. In your situation, the only thing that grows is more resentment that you stole her happiness.

I will NEVER forget the day I forced it out of my wife that our lack of intimacy and affection, all of the problems that I was trying to fix after 19 years of marriage, was not only my fault, but that I was an a.s.s.h.o.l.e. An emotional abuser. I thought I was a nice guy. 

My world collapsed. I spent a year begging, crying and pleading. Nothing changed. I finally gave up. Bettered myself. Got myself a life without her. So while she wastes away in front of the TV, I live my life. I am even almost at the point where her coming to bed and immediately turning her back to me doesn't kill me a little more.

Wives fall out of love with their husbands. All of the time. But we are STILL treating it like individual rare occurances as opposed to the epidemic it is.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CS,
I've read some of you previous post, don't be discouraged so easily.

I'm married 37 years and was in a similar situation. I too pushed my wife away for many years. Not knowing what I was doing was wrong. I got the the we're just room mates talk from her and it floored me. She was right. I realized it was me. 

But with work I won back her love and admiration. I know now to never stop working on our marriage and never to take it for granted. It does take time and no one can tell you how long it will take. 

Your wife is in a b/s now. She is having a hard time letting you fill her needs. She may accept them from someone else, if she hasn't already. This is why you can't give up the work to win her back, ever.

You need to work on you first. Be the man your wife wants to be with. Don't be needy. Get rid of the therapist if she's not working for you. Find another one to work on you. 
I read the 'Five Love Languages' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. These books were very helpful. The 180 and Dr. Harley's Plan A are the best I've found.
Don't let the discouragement stop you. You'll be a better man for it.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

MRK- so it's been over a year for you . You are still married and living together ( i am assuming that since you sleep in the same bed ) but not much has changed with her emotions towards you. I guess you are holding out and hoping something changes down the line ?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been in your situation and I was the spouse that did wrong and my husband was the one with the wall up.

I'm not on my computer so can't give you my whole story but I can give you the very very short version of how I fixed it.

Step 1 was therapy and lots of it. I focused on healing/fixing myself. And yes you need to find a new therapist.

Step 2 was to quit being clingy towards my husband. It's really not attractive.

Step 3 when I gained my self confidence back I was finally willing to let him go. He could choose to keep that wall up or work WITH me to fix it. I stated I was no longer willing to live like this. I didn't get to this step for years. He was emotionally unavailable but he never left.

This process of me working on me left me in a place where I admitted I'd done wrong but no longer believed I should be punished for the rest of my life for it. Either he needed to forgive me or he needed to let me go. Again took YEARS to get here.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

There is no quick fix....

I'm 2.5 years into our initial disconnect. Basically still sexless.
I went the full circle of bettering myself, being happy etc to no avail.

I basically stopped trying and am now creating emotional distance with my wife. I'm not mean or anything but I do less working on our marriage. I pretty much just do my own thing, if she needs something I do it but frankly I'm tired of trying hard and seeing no good results.

I basically found that her and I don't communicate very well when it comes to discussing marriage issues so I in effect just stopped communicating about it (as it never seems to solve anything). She has heard all the stuff when I did communicate so she knows why our situation in my eyes is less than ideal.

I love my wife and I hope she one day sees the light. By essentially stop trying I feel "better" I can concentrate on things that interest me. I'm getting back to being me and not just about her.

I notice she is trying harder to connect with me. I think eventually we will be ok... but it's now up to her to try. I tried for two years...I'm done. She knows that I'm done.

I think the bottom line is YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE unless THEY WANT TO. In my mind by disconnecting at this point that will make my wife want to eventually reconnect. At the same time it gives me some sanity. Let her worry about how to make it "better" for a change.

BTW like the poster above I told my wife she NEEDS to leave me if she can't get to the point of having a normal health sexual marriage with me OR I will eventually totally disconnect from her. I'm done with being in limbo always.

When she starts trying I will too. Does no good when only one is trying.

Her wall was up and starting to come down as my wall is going up. Hopefully she sees this in time to break my wall down. As a guy I see things pretty black and white, two years is enough trying.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

@trying2figureitout 

You sound like you were in my shoes two years ago. You went off and tried everything with no results. Now that you have finally given up "she is trying harder to connect with you" . It sounds like i need to really pull a 180 and make her believe it. I know that is what i need to do... I'm trying hard to not have to do that but i'm running out of options. It will be difficult for me.
How did you & wife get disconnected ? were you blindsided ? did you have a specific conversation that lead to it?
thanks


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I also agree that you need to change therapists. Don't give up on that. It's normal to feel a bit uncomfortable but with something to think about after leaving a session--and sometimes you'll leave feeling great, b/c you have made some progress-but always leaving angry? Not good at all.

Yes, try the 180. Depending on "how far gone" your wife is, you may be successful. If there was an emotional disconnect b/c you had withdrawn from her, you might win her back. If the emotional disconnect grew out of her resentment over things you didn't listen to, wouldn't do, ignored, etc., I think the chances are significantly lower--but not impossible. 

The 180 will make you a better man, either way. Good luck! I'm pulling for you.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Thank you sister359.
Is there a good 180 book I could read?

Also my therapist wants me to come in and work through my anger issues that I have with her now. She says that's what I need to do in order to get better. Eh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

C.Soprano said:


> @trying2figureitout
> 
> You sound like you were in my shoes two years ago. You went off and tried everything with no results. Now that you have finally given up "she is trying harder to connect with you" . It sounds like i need to really pull a 180 and make her believe it. I know that is what i need to do... I'm trying hard to not have to do that but i'm running out of options. It will be difficult for me.
> How did you & wife get disconnected ? were you blindsided ? did you have a specific conversation that lead to it?
> thanks


Yes you are were I was two years ago... I don't know if a 180 back then would have done anything to be honest. I put in my time trying hard and showing consistency to my changes so now I feel a semi-180 will have a much better result... like I said there is NO QUICK FIX. I expect this to take 3-4 years. I am not "angry" at my wife... she has obvious issues she needs to work through (just like I do) we will have a "solution" when she has a revelation moment. Until then as time passes we get closer to that moment. It has to come from her. I can do nothing to speed this up.

For me it was basically year 17.... her mid-life crisis. I was blindsided but did see some of the stuff she was complaining about as being valid, I stopped drinking cold turkey as she mentioned drinking (I was no where near an alcoholic but since she mentioned it I quit). I then went on to bet the perfect husband (i read everything including Calle Lima etc, books, websites). Did this for two years. Now in order to maintain sanity I decided NO MORE she can now compare how I was when trying and how I am not trying... her choice. It's not like I'm asking for the moon and the stars I just want a fair decent marriage where both of us are trying for each other.

In reality it was her lack of being sexually available that led to my original issues. I'm trying to find us a permanent fix. I don't want to go back to what led us to the original disconnect so i'm willing to WAIT for a better permanent fix to our marriage. One in which we find a middle-ground when it comes to intimacy.

Like I said I believe my wife will come around one day. We really do get along well and respect each other. She just needs to move on and understand she is a wife! Sex is good.

My advice to you is come to grips with the basic fact that it will take a long time. Break the "fix" up into 6-month segments and have a plan. Plans make you feel better. I can see change in my wife so I know my overall plan is working.... we are getting there....slowly. Whatever you do be consistent and not all over the place. Let time help you.

Ditch the counselor... this is between you and your wife.

I think the overall goal is to show your wife you are sorry for whatever you did. make the necessary changes and be consistent. Don't be needy or clingy. Show her the better you (someone any woman could love) . Then start to put things on the other foot... you did your time now it's time for her to change to become a better woman. Make her work for you. In the end you both end up being better and both probably never want to go back to the standoff. A permanent fix indeed.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I draw strength from knowing I'm closer to that fix everyday.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

C.Soprano said:


> MRK- so it's been over a year for you . You are still married and living together ( i am assuming that since you sleep in the same bed ) but not much has changed with her emotions towards you. I guess you are holding out and hoping something changes down the line ?


This is a good thread. You are getting some good advice.

I will stay with my wife because it is better than the alternative. I am in my house with my kids. I don't fight with my wife, I just don't talk to her much. I am not going to break up my family just because I'm not happy. I won't do it. I am sad that my marriage is over, and it still hurts when she comes to bed and turns her back, but I'm dealing with it. I may need to move out of my room soon, I don't know.

I have no hope of a reconciliation. My wife is so disconnected that she won't come back. She's already been through the mourning. She's gone. Because of my decision to stay, maybe it will work, but I doubt it. Even if she came back, I don't know if I could. I needed her badly this past year and she wasn't there for me. She hung me out to dry. It will be hard for me to give my heart to her again. I'm doing my own thing. I'll be out of it soon as well. I guess you can say we're not even trying and I don't see us starting to try.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Y
> 
> Ditch the counselor... this is between you and your wife.
> 
> ...


This is good stuff. I'd like to frame it and put it on my wall. One comment on the consistency. I was up and down and my wife hated it. I got consistent, and too bad for us I chose down, but now at least she is seeing that I'm serious about moving on. Not that it'll help, but at least we know better where we each stand.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Here are a couple more tips once to get to the point after doing your best to make amends. Again I stress you need to have a time period were YOU are doing the right thing REGARDLESS of what she does. Take the high road for awhile.

Now.... some points that I believe help when you start to place things on her.

1. Let any negative comments by your wife slide.... I used to engage her and "explain" my side. Now I simply let them fall on deaf ears.


2. Stand up to her... when she is wrong CALL HER ON IT... show her her bad behaviors. Don't be afraid to speak up and don't back down. Tell her why she made you upset. Be the man of the house.

3. Quit doing so much for her, do at least 51% of what needs to be done BUT do not REWARD her for behaving emotionally distant.

4. Stop any contact via texting/e-mail/calls unless she initiates them.

5. Ease up on gifts a lot. Tell her you don't want anything from her for your birthday/Christmas etc. Tell her to spend on the kids. etc. For Valentines day just get her a simple card.

Also NEVER not fulfill a promise, spend your energy on the rest of the family. Start to go back to things that interest you, find a group and do an activity. Be there for your wife when she really needs you, make her feel secure that you will not leave her.

Watch for small improvements.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

@ trying2figureitout. 

You have given me answers to a lot of the questions that i have right now. Really good stuff. Nailed it. 
Most of the self help marriage books that i have been reading give ideas on how to get your wife/ex back when you are separated or divorced . That is not me and i don't want it to be me. We are still living together and i can't apply those methods . It was not helping me at all with my day to day life and how to act around her. At least now i have a game plan now & a some confidence.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

C.Soprano said:


> @ trying2figureitout.
> 
> You have given me answers to a lot of the questions that i have right now. Really good stuff. Nailed it.
> Most of the self help marriage books that i have been reading give ideas on how to get your wife/ex back when you are separated or divorced . That is not me and i don't want it to be me. We are still living together and i can't apply those methods . It was not helping me at all with my day to day life and how to act around her. At least now i have a game plan now & a some confidence.


Great, glad some of my experience has helped you develop a plan. When you get right down to it you have to control your own thought process. I look at everyday as a new opportunity to stay on MY course. Most of my life is great and I've learned to set aside the less than stellar parts. I've developed more closeness with my sons and put in more efforts at work. I still would never change a thing and understand most of how my wife behaves is based on her past maybe even childhood experiences. 

I firmly believe her and I will get to the point I seek. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Good Luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

man I am so sorry how this turned out brother, Im not sure I should mention any more since you havent?


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

**** it..I was going to bring it out here but i should . Here is how it went down

Bro it is the worst..I have been on the forum for a month now since my wife gave me the I'm not happy with us speech. At this point , i tried to turn things around and i did but she would not let me back into her heart. It comes from years of me not letting her in emotionally . 
In her head , when she had that convo i'm not happy with us speech , she was done with our marriage. . We decided that night to give it time to work it out but she had it already done in her head that we were finished and would leave me when the school year was over. I know this now. 
I found out around 24 hours ago ( 12 am) that she slept with some guy a couple of weeks ago or 10 days . I don't know the exact date yet. He wanted more but she told him she could not do it again . 
This past weekend , i had enough of the coldness from her. I knew that there had to be more of reason why she wasn't letting me in . I set up some spyware then checked the phone records. At first , i didn't find much of anything. I hacked all her accounts ..Facebook, emails, Etc. then i thought i had found an EA and went after that guy yesterday. wrong Guy..oh well. He won't be talking to her again. He was a family friend and i did not see the content of the messages. I was wrong on him. I told her that it was still inappropriate behavior. I Thought i had everything all wrapped up with her. I found the EA! I didn't really find anything at that point unfortunately.... But Something told me to check again last night and i found an email addy that she hasn't used in months and there was the proof. Man that was tough reading. I can't tell you how i felt confirming that my wife actually had sex with another man. It hurts so bad . The content is mostly the Guy asking for more and trying to set up another date. She was telling him , it was fun but i feel too guilty to this again. He kept pushing her for more. She kept telling him no more but again kept asking . It's a good thing I found it or it would have happened again...who knows for sure. 
SO i sat on this info while she slept. I was so angry. My first instinct was to go in the bedroom, drag her out of bed and throw her out of the house into the street. I came so close to doing that. Then i thought of my daughter. It was her birthday today. I gathered myself and my emotions. That is the one good thing therapy did for me. It showed me not to act out of anger . I wrote down how i felt and what i wanted going forward. 
I dragged her out of bed at 5am . Told her " it's talk time" She had no clue that i knew , even then. She thought i was going to talk about her coldness .after i read the letter my 6 page letter , i told her at the end of it. " don't lie, I know everything " well of course she tried to lie and blamed things on our past. The i hit her with the " fling " . Her jaw dropped. she said " you were never suppose to find out about that , It was nothing, It meant nothing, It's over" amazing how women are ...i guess since she had not developed feelings she considers it nothing . She said she was sorry and it would never happen again. She said " i'm sorry that i hurt you & " if it makes you feel any better , i felt so ashamed of what i had done "
Still Clueless on how i got my information . I told her i can "hack" anything..anything.She underestimated me with PC skills....Big mistake. She still does not know how i did it. 
I called and emailed the guy. I did not speak with him but he will not be trying to reach out to her again. I told her not to bother telling him i found out that I will take care of him and he wont be calling or writing again. He did not try to contact her today. I am not sure I'm done with him yet. that will happen when he least expects it for my own gratification . 
Can i forgive and forget? I don't know. The only reason i am considering working past this and moving on in counseling. Is 1. My daughter 2. I have slept with other 3 other women though out our relationship. Nothing in the past 4 years but i was no saint. I always knew my Sins would come back to haunt me. What comes around goes around. It is what it is. I was able to come back to her after i did what i did. I felt nothing for those other woman. so i get when she say it meant nothing. From reading her emails to that guy she was remorseful and i was never that way. She does not know any of this . I almost divulged that information to stick it to her last night but why should i ? It would make her feel more comfortable in her decision to cheat on me. I had made a decision to myself never to do that again. 
I am willing to work through this with her for the sake of 10 years and our daughter. I cheated and got back on track. She can too . I believe the affair was nothing.
We have other issues to work on with our communication & showing love for each other. I told her this is day one of our new life together. I have hurt you and you have hurt me. I don't want to ever go back to the people we were . **** them. We start new today and move forward. Counseling is the key to our success at this point. It's goes well and we survive. If it doesn't, I told her than i know that we at least tried for our kid.
Her affair is still fresh in my head. I know i have to block that out some how. 
what do i do now ? Should i act as if the affair devastated me? should i act like i don't give a **** about it & not give it too much attention? If i focus on it, i'm afraid i will give it life in her head. I told her today. You need to build my trust back up . You need to work on it. I gave you freedom & trust like she asked for & look what it got me. I should mention that i told her today. " you can get the **** out now, you can leave right now but our daughter stays with me. If want to walk away then do it but you don't get to take her away from me without trying to repair this marriage at least one time " She is still here with me. I know marriages go through good times and bad times. Obviously , i'm in bad time. The worst. We'll see if we can recover. 

It felt good to write this down. I could use some advice on where to go from here. How do i act towards her in the immediate future. I am setting up an appointment for counselor tomorrow .
thanks everyone...this sucks ..but i guess we are all here for the same reasons. To rebuild are marriages.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Well now it's out in the open. You were not in a fair competition. You were competing with an OM. That's why she wouldn't respond to your affections. It's good you told her you and your child are not going anywhere. Now you have to kill the affair, and repair the damage. You've got a long road, and your reading continues, try this "Surviving An Affair". 

But I've got to tell you, I don't know if this as a good relationship to save or not. Your new revelation that you've had multiple affairs has a lot to do with your marriage situation. I would suggest that you both come clean in a MC setting or somewhere else. *'The truth will set you free' * That's for both of you. At least you can start without the lies and deceptions. These lies are killing both of you. 

Have the mods move this to Coping with Infidelity, you'll get better advice from experienced WS/BS there. Be prepared to take a lot of lumps, but weed out the help and use it positively. 
Good luck.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have slept with other 3 other women though out our relationship. Nothing in the past 4 years but i was no saint. 

She gave you trust and freedom as well, look where it got her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so why did you delete the post in CWI? didnt like the responses you were getting about your own cheating?


I really think you are being too cavalier in your own infidelity. I don't think you realize that your own infidelity most likely led to your wife subconsciously picking up on something being wrong with the marriage and subsequently detaching and making the poor decision to cheat herself.

I said it on the other thread and I'll say it here- unless all infidelity is on the table you won't have a shot at true R


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so why did you delete the post in CWI? didnt like the responses you were getting about your own cheating?
> 
> 
> I really think you are being too cavalier in your own infidelity. I don't think you realize that your own infidelity most likely led to your wife subconsciously picking up on something being wrong with the marriage and subsequently detaching and making the poor decision to cheat herself.
> ...


:iagree:

I said it to a woman poster in a different thread and will say it to you: you can't fix the issues if they are not all revealed. It is like going to a doctor and not telling him you are taking drugs. It is trying to fix something when your partner does not know what is broken.


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