# Repetitive sex



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
My sex life has improved a lot since the years when we were intimate only ever couple of months. Still, there is a long way to go. In particular, my wife seems to have a very limited set of things that she enjoys. 

She has found things that work well - and that's great, but we end up following one of a few routines each time. 

I don't know how to encourage her towards more variety, and making sex more playful. She has always been very "goal oriented" in sex. 

Its not really bad, and I don't want to rock the boat too much since our sex life is so much better than what it was in the past. Still, it seems like she might enjoy things more as well if it wasn't so repetitive .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why not try to "lead" her into more variety?

Speaking from my own experience, my partner has no problem showing me what he wants through skillful guiding with his hands and body. If he wants me on top, he pulls me on top. If he wants to go doggie style and pound the daylights out me, he'll flip me over like a rag doll . If it's only oral (no PIV) that's pretty clear too. And part of the excitement is he tells me exactly what he's going to do to me, or wants done to him.

Likewise, I do the same thing to him.

I'm not sure how to encourage more variety, except maybe try to be a bit more aggressive and/or dominant (and no, I'm NOT talking about forcing her to do things against her will.) Just try to physically guide her into more positions, variety. Change it up. Say sexy things. A little dirty talk... Tell her what you are going to do to/with her. Never underestimate the verbal part -- it can build passion to new heights.

Some of it may just come down to personality. If she's close-minded or uptight about sex in general or views certain things as taboo, you might try finding a good book or video about sexual technique so she can see that some of those things are completely normal and not off limits in a healthy, loving relationship. I've always been pretty open-minded, so I have a hard time understanding why some people are adamant about only one or two positions.

I'm not sure that helps very much.  I hope you get some good suggestions...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Richard,

That is a tough one since you are cautious about interrupting the positive momentum in your sex life.

Is she rigid and structured as well as goal oriented? Because if she is...I'm pretty sure my ideas won't work. Have you ever rag dolled her? Did she like it?


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

When life is good, don't pick at it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sorry, son, I got nothing for ya. This has been in my experience an intractable problem with a vanilla partner. If she doesn't want more, if she doesn't see the benefit of more variety, or if she is hostile to some of the things you would like to try, then there does not seem to by any avenue of change open to you that doesn't risk your gains. 

The most likely thing she'll think is that you'll never be satisfied, no matter she does. There will always be a new hill to climb, a new bar to get over. Which is to some extent not wrong - those of us open to sexuality really do want to explore the frontier. 

I'll give you a big man-hug if it helps, but I cannot be your consigliere.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hi Richard,
> 
> That is a tough one since you are cautious about interrupting the positive momentum in your sex life.
> 
> Is she rigid and structured as well as goal oriented? Because if she is...I'm pretty sure my ideas won't work. *Have you ever rag dolled her?* Did she like it?


Intrigued. Explain?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign Anon Pink
I had to look up "ragdolled" - which seems to imply rough sex.

Sadly she definitely doesn't like rough. Or at least not too rough. She also doesn't like anything that hints at dominance - either direction. That itself eliminates a lot of possibilities: hair pulling, spanking, restraining, or any position that suggests dominance. 

She has a really tough time telling me what she wants - and as I've mentioned in another thread that turns sex into a bit of a guessing game.

Too often she will start by telling me that she is tired and wants something "quick and not too energetic". I know how to get her to orgasm quickly and that is usually what she wants. 

Despite my telling her (truthfully) that I enjoy doing things for her, she still apologizes if she doesn't have an orgasm very quickly - as if somehow that meant that I had to do too much "work". 


I'm really just complaining a bit. There are a wide variety of things I would enjoy that we can't do. 








Anon Pink said:


> Hi Richard,
> 
> That is a tough one since you are cautious about interrupting the positive momentum in your sex life.
> 
> Is she rigid and structured as well as goal oriented? Because if she is...I'm pretty sure my ideas won't work. Have you ever rag dolled her? Did she like it?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Intrigued. Explain?


I won't speak for Anon, but speaking for myself it's when my partner just dominates and has his way with me. And no, I'm not talking about against-my-will or "rape scenarios" but it can get a little rough! He just decides what's gonna happen and *makes* it happen. As in, pounds the daylights out of me -- kind of like a rag doll getting flailed around.  I mentioned this in my post above.

_(Quietly exits, awaiting Anon's definition... )_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Too often she will start by telling me that she is tired and wants something "quick and not too energetic". I know how to get her to orgasm quickly and that is usually what she wants.


You're speaking another language to most here, Richard. They don't understand the mentality of "the end-game of sex is orgasm. Why would you engage in all of that secondary, pointless stuff?"

This is not an anti-sex position, it's just a very utilitarian view.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> I won't speak for Anon, but speaking for myself it's when my partner just dominates and has his way with me. And no, I'm not talking about against-my-will or "rape scenarios" but it can get a little rough! He just decides what's gonna happen and *makes* it happen. As in, pounds the daylights out of me -- kind of like a rag doll getting flailed around.  I mentioned this in my post above.
> 
> _(Quietly exits, awaiting Anon's definition... )_


OOHHHHH, gotcha. thx


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Switch it up. Take the lead. Tell her you want to try it "this way."


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> *Sadly she definitely doesn't like rough.* Or at least not too rough. She also doesn't like anything that hints at dominance - either direction. That itself eliminates a lot of possibilities: hair pulling, spanking, restraining, or any position that suggests dominance.
> 
> *She has a really tough time telling me what she wants* - and as I've mentioned in another thread that turns sex into a bit of a guessing game.
> 
> *Too often she will start by telling me that she is tired and wants something "quick and not too energetic".* I know how to get her to orgasm quickly and that is usually what she wants.


So, she does sound quite uptight about sex in general based on the comments above. Or, at the very least, very set in her ways with plenty of preconceived notions about how sex "should" be. And you seem quite willing to meet her needs, but she doesn't seem very willing to meet your need for variety .

I go back to my original suggestion above -- how about purchasing some books and videos about sexual technique and variety? I'm not talking about porn, but educational materials.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> ...My sex life has improved a lot since the years when we were intimate only ever couple of months.
> 
> ...my wife seems to have a very limited set of things that she enjoys.
> 
> ...





richardsharpe said:


> ...She also doesn't like anything that hints at dominance - either direction. That itself eliminates a lot of possibilities: hair pulling, spanking, restraining, or any position that suggests dominance.
> 
> *She has a really tough time telling me what she wants *- and as I've mentioned in another thread that turns sex into a bit of a guessing game.
> 
> ...


Your situation and wife sound much like what I live with. My wife has huge self image and body issues. She periodically will call herself a sexual failure. The two of us have worked with a sex therapist to try to get my wife to loosen up a little and the result was more frequent sex (2x/week) and her enjoying sex more. However, so many things are absolute taboo: oral sex (giving or receiving), annal, even her touching me is a sensitive topic as she really prefers to provide absolutely no foreplay to me (her idea of foreplay is climaxing, laying on her back and pulling me on top of her). 

Now that I have ranted and complained, I love this woman and have for over 40 years. We came close to divorce a couple times, have raised great kids and love each others company so much. On the plus side, she has mastered to sexual positions missionary and cowgirl and is quite skilled at both, so we have a tiny bit of variety. 

I and a sex therapist have tried about everything imaginable to get my wife to put away some of her hangups. 

I am curious why you posted that she might enjoy things more if not repetitive? Do you have some positive signs?

My wife LOVES repetative, because she knows she isn't going to be pushed past any limits and knows she can handle it. She really has said she is a failure at sex (even though I haven't said that) and she is afraid of anything she hasn't tried.

I also recognize, the "I'm tired, please take me" response. I have learned/rationalized that my wife also enjoys that she and her body can bring me to orgasm and for her a please take my body, allows her to feel tell herself she is not a sexual failure, that her body can satisfy her husband and enjoy my orgasm and the cuddling that follows. 

My advice for you, based on my experience, is to enjoy what you have. Try to work around the edges a little, but focus on your cup being half full. My wife loves foot massages and we tease each other about maybe I should develop a foot fetish. We that done a few things in that direction on occasion. One of the nice things is that she now feels that she has sexy feet and gets pedicures and shows a degree of sexiness when she shows me her toes after a pedicure.

She also likes a deep tissue massage on her shoulders and gluts. My wife also absolutely will not stand for spanking or anything that implies dominance. However, if properly warmed up she will enjoy a vigorouse butt check massage that is close to spanking, but isn't in her mind. Firm full hand contact on the butt cheek, moments cupping it, then a vigorous sqeeze, followed by removal of the hand, slapping it down on the cheek, etc.

Good luck, and if you find out how to get to get her in touch within her inner sex freak, PLEASE let me know.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Role play?


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> My sex life has improved a lot since the years when we were intimate only ever couple of months. Still, there is a long way to go. In particular, my wife seems to have a very limited set of things that she enjoys.
> 
> She has found things that work well - and that's great, but we end up following one of a few routines each time.
> ...


I can relate..... The other day I was hanging out with a friend who is newly re-married. His sex life was garbage in his first marriage and he was telling me wild stories of what his sex life is like now. When I told him how lame mine was, he gave me a few idea. 1. Get a little bit physical with her; pull her hair a bit, slap her on the ass, hold her down, etc... Start small and see what you can get away with. If she doesn't fight back, keep pushing the envelope a little at a time.

Yesterday my wife and I went to take a nap after lunch(Sunday ritual). When we went to bed, I played with her a little and she was not resistant, so the next thing I know, we're both naked. I tried some foreplay, but she wasn't in to it. We did this weird sideways sex for a few minutes where we face each other and she throws a leg over me. Once she got nice and aroused, she asked me if I wanted her on top, and I said no. She said "do you want on top"? I said no. She said "what do you want then"? I said "I want to bend you over". She said "NO", I'm not doing that. I told her "I'm bending you over and there's nothing you can do about it". So I got up, grabbed her by the hips and forced her over, put my elbow in her back, and pulled her up on all 4's. She didn't resist any more. In fact, once I got her up, she leaned back in to me. She seemed to like me being aggressive and forceful because she got turned on quick! 

Just food for thought..... Sometimes, maybe, you have to be a little forceful.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Intrigued. Explain?


Urban Dictionary: ragdolled


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign Anon Pink
> I had to look up "ragdolled" - which seems to imply rough sex.
> 
> Sadly she definitely doesn't like rough. Or at least not too rough. She also doesn't like anything that hints at dominance - either direction. That itself eliminates a lot of possibilities: hair pulling, spanking, restraining, or any position that suggests dominance.
> ...


I'm reading NMMNG. According to that book, it's a mistake for us to try to be good lovers. It's a mistake for us to focus on the pleasure of our partner. I'm working through the book, but if you read it, it makes a lot of sense.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I say just do what you want until she affirmatively says no.

When she says no, just get up and walk out.

As long as you are operating in the realm of normal (i.e., no abusive or painful expectations), then her being unopen to new things is her problem.

Just going along with her prescribed routine or self-censoring is allowing her to believe that her expectations are normal.

They aren't, you're not satisfied, so you shouldn't hide it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I would be very careful with any kind of "do it anyway" kind of thinking.

For a lot of women- No really does mean no. Doing it anyway could cause a serious breach or trust and respect, also feelings that you didn't care about her pleasure but only your own. 

But then I 100% disagree with the don't try to be a good lover advice too so maybe I just don't fit in with the kind of women these tactics are supposed to work on.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Richard you mentioned that it took you some time to figure out what she enjoyed. I assume she learned the best way to reach orgasm? If it took her time to find the majic formula, she is probably reluctant to give up the bird in the hand that was so hard won. Supose the new that you are wanting means she has to work at finding an orgasm? Maybe reassure her that new May mean trying out a few things and both of you deciding if it's worth repeating. She likes having orgasms. That's good but she is not likely to give them up for new. That's good too because you can explore new as long satisfaction for her and you is involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I'm reading NMMNG. According to that book, it's a mistake for us to try to be good lovers. It's a mistake for us to focus on the pleasure of our partner. I'm working through the book, but if you read it, it makes a lot of sense.


This applies for men with a certain set of issues. It does not apply universally.


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## Fighting For Happiness (Mar 9, 2015)

DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING

Take a baby step toward something by approaching it in tiny steps and gauge her reaction. Reading her reaction is VITAL. 

For example, I used to gently play around my very sexy wife's very lovely behind over a period of years this escalated because it was very obvious she liked it and now we ehem do the full back door deed and LOVE it but this discovery all came from very gentle escalation and gauging her reaction. 

Another example, I tried using is ice and its not her thing so I back off from that. 

Baby step trial and error is the way to a spicier sex life. I don't think discussion is a good way to go about it for a variety of reasons such as embarrassment, shame, be afraid of a reaction and so on. 

Give her bum a little caress and see how she reacts. 

Don't throw a whole bunch of experiments at her at once or she will feel like a lab rat. LOL

One test per session


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Fighting For Happiness said:


> DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING
> 
> Take a baby step toward something by approaching it in tiny steps and gauge her reaction. Reading her reaction is VITAL.


Know your mate before taking any advice in capital letters. It is absolutely imperative with my wife that she be forewarned about any intended deviation from the accepted script for it to be anything but an unmitigated disaster.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I say just do what you want until she affirmatively says no.
> 
> When she says no, just get up and walk out.
> 
> ...


So your need for variety automatically trumps her need for predictability? As soon as you use terms like "normal", you've implicitly brought everyone else on the planet into your bedroom. 

Why is any individual required to conform to the definition of normal just because it's normal? If you're going to tell your spouse that her behavior is unacceptable, it must be in the realm of a conversation about compatibility, not normality. Two completely abnormal sexual partners can be completely compatible and happy together. 

From my experience, it's not a good idea to call your spouse abnormal. It's as much better idea to have the "we're not compatible, and it makes me unhappy" conversation. It's not nearly so guilt laden nor demeaning to the other party.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> This applies for men with a certain set of issues. It does not apply universally.


Good point. Like I said, I'm still reading the book. Now that you mention it, that was advice to men dealing with sexual dysfunction.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So your need for variety automatically trumps her need for predictability? As soon as you use terms like "normal", you've implicitly brought everyone else on the planet into your bedroom.
> 
> Why is any individual required to conform to the definition of normal just because it's normal? If you're going to tell your spouse that her behavior is unacceptable, it must be in the realm of a conversation about compatibility, not normality. Two completely abnormal sexual partners can be completely compatible and happy together.
> 
> From my experience, it's not a good idea to call your spouse abnormal. It's as much better idea to have the "we're not compatible, and it makes me unhappy" conversation. It's not nearly so guilt laden nor demeaning to the other party.


I'm addressing a dynamic in which one person has a typical desire for sexual variety and the other person rigidly insists on doing the same thing every time.

I can accept a degree of relativism but there are objectively some things that are abnormal. 

Richard's wife won't do any number of things that the vast majority of women who are in a romantic relationship would gladly do.

I don't think it helps him to pretend like this is just something he needs to work around. In my opinion, he has a very understanding attitude so the problem does not lie with him.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I'm addressing a dynamic in which one person has a typical desire for sexual variety and the other person rigidly insists on doing the same thing every time.


I understand.

My rebuttal still stands. 



> I can accept a degree of relativism but there are objectively some things that are abnormal.


We could spend hours debating what is normal, but that would be to fall for what I consider the fallacy of the argument. We'd all find we're abnormal to varying degrees anyway. Normality is like quantum mechanics for couples - a fine theory for large numbers, but completely irrelevant for a single pair. 

The only thing that matters for a single couple is what they find acceptable. Appeals to normality have no persuasive value to the partner who does not care what anyone else is doing behind closed doors - which should probably be everyone. The only thing that matters is how to agree to manage the gap in expectations between incompatible lovers. 

It is not empirically obvious that requiring the rigid partner to do most of the changing is the default right answer. 



> Richard's wife won't do any number of things that the vast majority of women who are in a romantic relationship would gladly do.


But Richard isn't married to most women. He is married to his woman.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

You make good points, Cletus, but the value of bringing up the "normal" argument is to get the LD to question why they feel the way they do. Do they think sex is dirty? Do they know how to orgasm? Do they know the importance of creating sexual thoughts? If they think they are not "normal," that might prod them into thinking about how they might awaken sexual desire.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign Anon Pink
> I had to look up "ragdolled" - which seems to imply rough sex.
> 
> Sadly she definitely doesn't like rough. Or at least not too rough. She also doesn't like anything that hints at dominance - either direction. That itself eliminates a lot of possibilities: hair pulling, spanking, restraining, or any position that suggests dominance.
> ...


Okay this is good something to work with!

What I suggest it to up the sensuality. Cue the candles and music. Slow it down,do not allow her to rush to orgasm. You will have to not allow her rushing signals to rush you. Smile, smirk and laugh and tell her you intend to take you time so she can just settle in. Spend lots of time in minor erogenous zones. Barely, accidentally touching the obvious erogenous zones.

Edge her. Bring her to the brink of orgasm then back off. If you've never done this before only do it once or twice at the most.

Rag doll doesn't always mean rough sex. It simply means you place her body in the position you want it. You can do it fast and roughly or you can do it on the slow side but with purposeful intent. You don't tell her, you don't ask her, you just do it. My H does it both way and I love it. To me, it communicate intense desire and that really pushes my buttons.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

skype said:


> You make good points, Cletus, but the value of bringing up the "normal" argument is to get the LD to question why they feel the way they do. Do they think sex is dirty? Do they know how to orgasm? Do they know the importance of creating sexual thoughts? If they think they are not "normal," that might prod them into thinking about how they might awaken sexual desire.


I won't argue with this.

I will say that I think most overestimate the ability of a partner to change these things even after they've asked themselves those questions. A person's innate sexuality is not very malleable. This statement will call the counter-examples we have here in this forum out of the word work, but statistically, they're not "normal". At least, that's the word I've heard from most of the folks doing sex counseling.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I won't argue with this.
> 
> I will say that I think most overestimate the ability of a partner to change these things even after they've asked themselves those questions. A person's innate sexuality is not very malleable. This statement will call the counter-examples we have here in this forum out of the word work, but statistically, they're not "normal". At least, that's the word I've heard from most of the folks doing sex counseling.


It's a complex problem. We do have several examples on TAM of people who came to understand the importance of a good sex life, and managed to change their attitude toward sex.

But I do understand your situation, and you make good points about accepting your spouse's indifference to sex as their basic personality. But people should at least try everything they can first.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I'm reading NMMNG. According to that book, it's a mistake for us to try to be good lovers. It's a mistake for us to focus on the pleasure of our partner. I'm working through the book, but if you read it, it makes a lot of sense.


Ummm, no. No no no no no.

The message is more nuanced than that. Don't be the passive servant to your wife's pleasure particularly if being that servant doesn't lead to YOUR happiness ALSO!

Fail to be a good lover at your peril!!!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would be very careful with any kind of "do it anyway" kind of thinking.
> 
> For a lot of women- No really does mean no. Doing it anyway could cause a serious breach or trust and respect, also feelings that you didn't care about her pleasure but only your own.
> 
> But then I 100% disagree with the don't try to be a good lover advice too so maybe I just don't fit in with the kind of women these tactics are supposed to work on.


I agree here. I also had to look up the term ragdoll and realise that this is the only way my husband has sex - and for me it is so painful that it's not in the least enjoyable. When he is "ragdolling" me, I do say no and tell him it hurts but he just carries on anyway. I would much prefer it if my husband were to listen to me when I tell him what I like sexually and do that instead. While I don't mind a bit of the ragdoll thing now and again, I need to get turned on first for it not to be painful and I would far rather that sex included some variety rather than him just banging me for his own pleasure. This technique has led to our sex life being crap, very one-dimensional and I just feel like a hole that he pokes his d**k in.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Doobie Why do you let him touch you???? 

Very confused why anyone would allow another person to use and hurt their warm loving places to get an orgasm. It is the most repugnant thing one person can do to another.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

How old is she?..How long have you been married?....Age can have a lot to do with a woman's actions...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Doobie Why do you let him touch you????
> 
> Very confused why anyone would allow another person to use and hurt their warm loving places to get an orgasm. It is the most repugnant thing one person can do to another.


Catherine, we had sex last week for the first time in 6 months (he's LD and not interested in fixing it). When we got married I was hopeful that we could work on our sex life until it was mutually compatible. However, that was 2 years ago and we've only had sex about 15 times since then, so no real opportunity to work on anything. Last week's session really was the final straw for me. I'd already come to the conclusion that divorce is really the only option. Luckily, he's been ill in bed for the past 5 days and I've moved into the spare room rather than have my sleep disturbed. I've now made up my mind that I won't be moving back into the bedroom when he's feeling better, I would rather sleep alone. At the moment I'm trying to get enough work coming in to save enough to rent my own place so that I can leave him. Not particularly easy as he has practically no money coming in at the moment and I'm paying all the bills.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign threetimesalady
(if this was to me). We are both in our 50s. Shes been like this since we started dating when we were both 18. 

Yes, I should have known but I was in love - and still am. Thats the tough part - I really do love her - its only the sex that isn't great.



Threetimesalady said:


> How old is she?..How long have you been married?....Age can have a lot to do with a woman's actions...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Anon Pink
Good idea on candles. Absolutely going to do that. (I did that long ago -once set the curtains on fire.....) Just got out of the habit - so I'll fix it. 

Long massages though are a frequent part of things.





Anon Pink said:


> Okay this is good something to work with!
> 
> What I suggest it to up the sensuality. Cue the candles and music. Slow it down,do not allow her to rush to orgasm. You will have to not allow her rushing signals to rush you. Smile, smirk and laugh and tell her you intend to take you time so she can just settle in. Spend lots of time in minor erogenous zones. Barely, accidentally touching the obvious erogenous zones.
> 
> ...


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Yes, Richard is married to his wife, but he doesn't have to be. 

Comparisons to other women are valid. 

Again, I would never try to apply this logic to painful or abusive stuff, but I highly doubt that is what Richard is seeking. 

Many other women would probably gladly do whatever semi kinky thing Richard has on his mind and to me that is a very relevant reason why his wife is failing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Anon Pink
> Good idea on candles. Absolutely going to do that. (I did that long ago -once set the curtains on fire.....) Just got out of the habit - so I'll fix it.
> 
> Long massages though are a frequent part of things.


But do those things do the trick?

I have found over the years that I have some control over one thing in my sexual relationship - how often I have sex _her_ way. I can improve her libido or I can destroy it, depending on how I behave, but I cannot break the Vanilla shell on the hardened exterior. If I give a 90 minute massage by candlelight, she'll gladly jump into bed. If I give that same massage but let my hands wander - it's the highway.

Is your experience any different? 

Oh, and buy LED candles. Same ambiance, no burning drapes.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign threetimesalady
> (if this was to me). We are both in our 50s. Shes been like this since we started dating when we were both 18.
> 
> Yes, I should have known but I was in love - and still am. Thats the tough part - I really do love her - its only the sex that isn't great.


Yes, I'm sorry this was to you...If you have been married that long and things are still this way then chances are she will never change...Her libido is different than yours...This could have been something that she both expected out of life and is content with...Seeing she is probably in Menopause or past it see if you can get her to see her OB-GYN....Have her ask him/her about Estring Vaginal Disc...This is a hormone that would keep her vaginal area lubricated and should possibly lead to her wanting more sex...Aging is a tough thing for a woman...They can go into their shell and stop giving or say the heck with age and prod on...Seeing I have no age I lost it somewhere along the line...

Take it easy on her...She is trying...What is important is that she loves you and you love her...Sex when your older, in my opinion, should never be grounds for divorce... Patience and love will generally win out...My best to you...TTAL...

P.S....The fact that you are frequenting a sex forum is extra hard on her...You see other people in lust and want for what you don't have...Try and talk to work it out...As for me and despite our age I would take my husband anyway he was...I love the man within who makes me alive...But, that is me...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign threetimesalady
yes, a very good point. Its so frustrating to hear women complain about lacking the attention and intimacy that I would be so willing to give my wife. 






Threetimesalady said:


> snip
> 
> P.S....The fact that you are frequenting a sex forum is extra hard on her...You see other people in lust and want for what you don't have...
> snip


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Cool so just pretend you don't have a pen-s. Problem solved.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> But do those things do the trick?
> 
> I have found over the years that I have some control over one thing in my sexual relationship - how often I have sex _her_ way. I can improve her libido or I can destroy it, depending on how I behave, but I cannot break the Vanilla shell on the hardened exterior. If I give a 90 minute massage by candlelight, she'll gladly jump into bed. If I give that same massage but let my hands wander - it's the highway.
> 
> ...



90 minutes!!!! Man, I have to go back to saying no sometimes!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Hmm..nope, then I'm a lesbian and my wife is still hot...



Anon1111 said:


> Cool so just pretend you don't have a pen-s. Problem solved.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Cletus
From what I can tell, she sometimes feels like sex, and sometimes not. Massages, candlelit dinners, flowers, jewelry, romantic walks in Venice, racy movies, love notes at work, don't really have any effect. Its a bit surprising. I still do these things, not for sex, but because she appreciates them and it makes her happy.

We have sex when and only when she feels like it. My actions seem to make remarkably little difference. 

When she does want it, its is always planned. Sadly, she never just jumps me on the sofa. More often she says something to the effect of "I have a few chores to finish, then maybe we can get to bed...".

In our relationship, I'm the romantic one.





Cletus said:


> But do those things do the trick?
> 
> I have found over the years that I have some control over one thing in my sexual relationship - how often I have sex _her_ way. I can improve her libido or I can destroy it, depending on how I behave, but I cannot break the Vanilla shell on the hardened exterior. If I give a 90 minute massage by candlelight, she'll gladly jump into bed. If I give that same massage but let my hands wander - it's the highway.
> 
> ...


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Personal said:


> Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
> Ummm, no. No no no no no.
> 
> The message is more nuanced than that. Don't be the passive servant to your wife's pleasure particularly if being that servant doesn't lead to YOUR happiness ALSO!
> ...


That's what I meant..... The book explains it better than I did..


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