# I dream of being happily divorced



## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

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I posted this in the wrong forum so I am reposting it here to hopefully get some advice. Please excuse my typing and spelling.

I dont know what to do. I keep waiting for the right time or for something to happen that might some how make this situation easier but i know im just procrastinating because this thing is too hard and while i do my life is slipping away, I will turn 37 next year and i feel as though i have been waiting for the past 10 years for my life to begin.
I met my husband wen i was 19 and he was 39, at the time i had no family , no stability and was just surviving in the world, our relationship began with drugs. 
I loved him and was feircly loyal and faithful.....a few years later my daughter was born, and 3 years after that my son.We got married before my son was born.
For those first 5 years he was heavily in the drug scene (I stopped dpoing drugs wen i found out iwas preganant) and I found out that he was having many affairs with sleazy woman. 

looking back i now realize how low my self esteem was to stay through that...i worked always and made sure we always had a roof over our head.And I was always trying for and dreaming of us being that happy little family.
He was in and out of jail for years and wasnt there for most of my childrens toddler years, but still i waited for him.As the years progressed he did many bad things against our marriage and my trust and it turned into resentment.
But for some reason i always felt like i needed him.

When i turned 30 i started realizing a change in my mindset, i started feeling as though i know who am now and wot i deserve. then a man came into my life....and i let him in.....he showed me what it felt like to be truly loved and wot happiness could be.
I left my husband for almost two years and he just gave up...when i left him he moved onto the beach as a homeless man and looked as though he would die. because of my children i gave in and took him back ....his guilt trips and mind games were too much for me.
Shortly after that the man who showed me true love died suddenly, which i still cant get over. now its 3 years later and i am so completely unhappy i dont know what to do....we have not slept together in over two years and i have told him i dont love him anymore and that i want a divorce. but its like he refuses to hear wot im saying...he acts as though i have said nothing....I am afraid to leave him, he is now 55 and i cant bear to watch him be so helpless the way he was last time i left him even though i know its all a manipulating act.
I feel as though the only reason he really wants to force me to stay married to him is because i pay all the bills, take care of the family...without me he doesnt know how to survive. he doesnt seem to care that i am miserable and he always uses my kids to make me feel guilty. 
I have met someone else and i really want to be free of this unhealthy relationship and move on with my life as I have wasted 15 years on this marriage that is and has been so unhappy, but I feel frozen, I cant talk to him, he makes everything into so much drama especially for my kids....I just dont know what to do?? If i leave him and he dies...will my kids blame me? will i blame me??? 
Please dont take me for being a victim because i am not, I am a very strong minded person and I usually succeed at what ever i put my mind too, but in this situation I am so stuck, I do not know how to begin to deal with this mess that I know is all my own doing with the bad decisions I have made over the years.
Any advice or input is much appreciated.


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## tightinthebud (Jan 7, 2013)

I think you know what needs to be done but the unknown is scary. I imagine your children will be happier in the long run to see their parents happy. I doubt that either of you are truly happy in this situation. At some point you have to step back and really evaluate what is important..You cant enable your husband forever...also maybe cool out on "meeting new people" until you are actually sure of what you will do in this marriage. It is unfair to everyone involved... I'm hoping for the best.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

You are completely right about everything. I just need to do it I guess...I dont know what I was expecting to get from this website, some magic answer, someone to tell me im not wrong.

I just need to do it.

Thanks!


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