# Ideas on how to get over grieving the future losses?



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

I need help on getting over this part of my healing process. How do you look at things in a different way when you are grieving the loss of future plans? I had so much hope for us when things started to "settle down" with his work. Summers, I planned on little vacations, we planned on going to Disney again once our youngest turned 3, we were even looking at bigger houses before all this happened, and at Jeeps so we could start 4wheeling again and so we could get our oldest into the hobby of working on the vehicle and learning about 4wheeling, family camping trips, hiking with the kids. I know I can do some of that by myself with them. All that is gone now. I think right now, that's what hurts the most. Being happy as a family and getting to do family things. Besides the other crap that keeps running through my head about what he said and our past, this keeps nagging at me. 

Ideas on how to keep the glass half full?


----------



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

sausagestreet said:


> You are singing my song here...This is one of my biggest problems...We were planning on having our first child together..she already has one...then we split up and I cant help but think "what if that was my chance to have kids and its now gone?" I have came to realise two things..you cant look at what ifs in life...you have to come to terms that how things pan out and the things you do in life are a result of your own actions. If you look at things in a half empty type of way then mabe that is just your personality..I know that I can be very negative. At the moment instead of thinking "mabe i will meet someone new who is more suited to me and that i love" i actually think.."that was my chance, iv screwed it up now im going to miss out on kids and im going to be lonely all my life". Its the fear of the unknown for me that does it. But I`am coming to terms that we are products of our own actions and thoughts. Only you can change your thoughts and try and enjoy the future in a different way.
> 
> I also try and think in the present. Thinking too far into the future is what made me act weird in my relationship too. Thinking too far makes me very anxious, but so does looking too far back because I feel like I question every decision I make and constantly think.."was that wrong, was it right".
> 
> Just live life, enjoy it best you can, live in the present and you never know whats round the corner!


I am in a very similar situation as you, and I feel like i lost my chance at ever being a mommy. The main thing my friends and therapist told me is to live in the NOW. I too think about the future and think about all of the plans we had together, and it makes me so sad. But, I can make my own plans, my own trips. Heck, I may find a person that won't break my heart and will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated!

Believe me, I still struggle. I still love my STBXH and wish he would wake up, but I have to focus on ME now. The future is a scary thing, but I am trying to not look at it in a fearful way. I try to look at it by wondering what new adventures will come my way!


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> I am in a very similar situation as you, and I feel like i lost my chance at ever being a mommy. The main thing my friends and therapist told me is to *live in the NOW.* I too think about the future and think about all of the plans we had together, and it makes me so sad. But, *I can make my own plans, my own trips. * Heck, I may find a person that won't break my heart and will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated!
> 
> Believe me, I still struggle. I still love my STBXH and wish he would wake up, but I have to focus on ME now. The future is a scary thing, but I am trying to not look at it in a fearful way. I try to look at it by wondering what new adventures will come my way!


Hilly is right. Try to live in the NOW. I haven't given up on an R but I am not counting on it. I think wow... when he has them I can go out what do I want to do on that wkd. If he gets them for any length of time what vacation or what project do I want to do w/o them home. I am a planner by nature and profession... it's hard not to plan or to forget plans we had made. I am trying to appreciate today, tomorrow and the next week. I wasn't appreciating what I had before all this started, this is one of the many things that I have learned. He use to hate me planning, he took it as I am never happy and always wanting more. I try to do less of that (for now). 


Hilly, I sure hope you find your answer so you don't have to give up the idea of being a mama... You still have many years if you can find someone / someway to get pregnant. I had several late in life.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm struggling with this too, I desperately wanted a sibling for our daughter but he was adamant he wanted no more kids. This has become a deep resentment for me now and something that knots my stomach every day, especially when I can see how lonely my little girl gets and knowing what a great big sister she would have been...

To add insult to injury my STBXH has said more than once since dday that he wishes we had had another child.. I mean how cruel is that? I think he was putting it out there as an incentive to R.. so now my head is battered about what I could do.. 

I'm convinced more than ever that we never has another child because he would have found it difficult to explain to the OW. I mean they apparently parted for a while when I had my daughter, it would be difficult to explain a second child with your wife (who you are not supposed to be sleeping with) 

I dunno.. So many questions but never a straight answer 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Yes, live in the here and now. I know this, but sometimes I just need a slap in the face back to the here and now. I know I can still do these family vacations without STBXH, it's just the thought of what my kids would have been missing out on. But I know I can make it great for them, no matter what. I can still somehow get a beater Jeep for them. Go on nice easy trails with all 3 and camp the night away under the stars, just me and them. Thanks guys, you put me back on track. Now, I'm actually looking forward to camping trips alone with them! Smiling again!


----------

