# Share a positive thing.



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I think discussing infidelity with others as an education tool for others can be helpful to save other families.

Had a casual conversation with a young woman in her 20s today while talking about biz in which dating and marriage came up. She's been married for 5 years, a mother etc. 
Told her about the book "Not just friends".

Her eyes kind of went wide. OMG... That makes sense. Apparently not to long ago, her husband went out with the guys to drink, pool etc. His best friend drives her husband home late at night and he crashes out. The "best friend" goes to this woman and says "(husband) is so drunk he won't remember anything or will stay passed out. So I'll be happy to give you a good time / bang you. He'll never know." (I don't remember the exact wording. Best I can remember.)
She said no, kicked the best "friend" out. When her husband woke up the next day, she told him what happened. The guy is nolonger a friend of the family. She was rather proud of herself. 

I told her she did the right thing. When the lying begins, the marriage is in trouble. Even if she told the friend "no" but didn't tell her husband... Would not be good enough.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wow. With friends like that...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She did _exactly_ the right thing.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Well... for us Americans - I guess its good we're not in the top 10 for most adultrous countries.

https://ca.news.yahoo.com/worlds-most-adulterous-countries-slideshow-wp-160406722.html

To save you from looking at the slide show..

10 = 36% - Finland
09 = 36% - UK
08 = 39% - Spain
07 = 40% - Belgium
06 = 41% - Norway
05 = 43% - France
04 = 45% - Germany
03 = 45% - Italy
02 = 46% - Denmark
01 = 56% - Thailand


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I think that it may be helpful to make it known how much infidelity hurts. Hearing about it or the movies, it's not a big deal - right? 

Why I bring it up. Recently, a female friend wanted to have a talk with me for advice. I said, "okay" and we meet up later that night, just the two of us. And yes, I told my wife I was going to have a private talk with this friend, "Jane".

Besides catching up and normal chit-chat, we do discuss what she wants advice on.

Jane was an OW and wanted my take on things, since she is very aware what happened with my WW and has been supportive of me/us as well as seen me break down, giving me hugs that I needed.

This had happened a few years ago, she had fallen for a cheating player's lie of "my girlfriend doesn't have sex with me, I don't get any" - and she knows of such women who are really like that. After having sex with him a few times - she put an end to it, because it didn't feel right. She felt manipulated (which I told her, she feel for a tactic) but I pointed out that she was 24 back then and that it was a life experince.

She knows I was a bit of a player myself when I was single (I was honest with my goals and didn't cheat) and I knew quite a bit from other "players" I knew years back who would bang anyone they could. I never EVER went that route.

Eventually, this POS did break up with his GF. Jane has ended up being in a social setting with this POS's EX... even thou its been a few years. He was cheating all over the place.
It has been bugging Jane to be around this woman and knowing what she had an affair with her boyfriend and wants to know if or how she should tell this woman about the affair.

Jane is usually a very honest and upfront type of person and she hasn't done such a thing since then and so to hold such a thing in, is not her thing. She is also concerned that POS may tell this woman that he had sex with Jane.

I asked Jane "So they broke up years ago." = yes. "Is she in a relationship with another guy now?" = yes. "Is she bringing up the cheating EX and has shown desire to know more about him" = no.

So I told her: Let it go. You live with what you have done, but YOU did end it when he wanted to continue. Just severe (quietly) any connections with the POS, ignore him. Telling this woman, who has moved on - will only hurt her. If they were still together or she was looking for the OWs, then you should tell her.

This discussion took about an hour or so. This situation has been bothering her for weeks. I recommend she doesn't need to be in a friendship with this woman, just be professional and social and leave it at that. The guy will be more interested in easier targets.

I needed her help on an errand anyway which allowed us to drive into the city to pickup some items and took her back home. She would tell her husband of 2 years what WE talked about (He wasn't involved in this situation in any way) as a matter of being honest with him, and why she has been feeling down lately. She also talked about dating various guys until she meet her future husband, which made her disinterested in other men.

It made me remember about meeting my wife (which I told Jane about in a bit more detail) and how it was different and special compared to all the women before her. In the past, most of my interactions with Jane has been while intoxicated - in the later half of 2016, Jane's husband has quit drinking booze (as well as my wife, since March), Jane herself has reduced her drinking by 75% or so. I've reduced my drinking by 75% or more, but it was never as much as my wife. I've not been drunk in since October, but a couple glasses of wine or a cooler here and there. 18+ months ago, I'd get party drunk 2~3 times a month. When I was single, I'd get toasty drunk 4~12 times a month.

I congratulated her on her maturity and ending an affair (yeah, it shouldn't have even started) when she saw it for what it was, but also for being disturbed by her actions of the past. I think her husband is a very good man for her and more so since they both have better control of their drinking.

Her witnessing the pain of infidelity showed her that such things have consequences.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Interesting talk on Infidelity


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

In the end. 

Everyone gets what's coming to them


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

No, I don't think so. Some get away with rape or murder, while the innocent suffer and die.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TaDor said:


> Well... for us Americans - I guess its good we're not in the top 10 for most adultrous countries.
> 
> https://ca.news.yahoo.com/worlds-most-adulterous-countries-slideshow-wp-160406722.html
> 
> ...



This is an interesting list. While I haven't been to every one of these countries, in most of them professional sex workers are fairly available. In some it isn't legal, but still readily available (at least up until fairly recently). I am surprised that Switzerland isn't on the list. 

That brings up the question of what is an affair of what is cheating, being unfaithful, or having sex with someone not your spouse. To some it is any violation of trust. To others (say Bill Clinton) it is only unprotected PIV intercourse. The other extreme is Jimmy Carter who in a magazine interview confessed to lusting in his heart for a woman that was not his wife. The point is that there are extreme definitions that trigger guilt and remorse or no emotional response. 

I am not sure that "one size fits all" or that one definition covers all bases.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

A positive thing- My husband says he trusts me (the WW) 100% and finds it utterly impossible that I would stray again. I'd say he's right.


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