# should I confess to my wife?



## Mr.not.so.right

I'm new to these forums, I'm here for some much needed advice really. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. Both in mid twenties. My wife is 6 months pregnant. 

The truth is I have been an awful husband as I have been having an affair at work for the past year. It shames me to admit this out loud. I love my wife but I'm not physically attracted to her, the affair is purely physical. I have since ended the affair as I can't continue doing this to my wife, especially as she is pregnant.

What do I do? I want to come clean, admit everything, but is it the right time with her being pregnant, I don't want to endanger our child by upsetting her at this time. I dont want to lose the chance of being a good dad. Thank you for reading, I'm desperate for advice


----------



## lovelygirl

It could be risky for the pregnancy.
Once the pregnancy is over you should tell her. She has the right to know.


----------



## Chris989

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I'm new to these forums, I'm here for some much needed advice really. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. Both in mid twenties. My wife is 6 months pregnant.
> 
> The truth is I have been an awful husband as I have been having an affair at work for the past year. It shames me to admit this out loud. I love my wife but I'm not physically attracted to her, the affair is purely physical. I have since ended the affair as I can't continue doing this to my wife, especially as she is pregnant.
> 
> What do I do? I want to come clean, admit everything, but is it the right time with her being pregnant, I don't want to endanger our child by upsetting her at this time. I dont want to lose the chance of being a good dad. Thank you for reading, I'm desperate for advice


She should know at some point. 

Don't tell her now; it will shatter her.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Chris989 said:


> She should know at some point.
> 
> Don't tell her now; it will shatter her.


That's what I was thinking. But how long do I wait. How do I even begin to put things right.


----------



## johnnycomelately

My feeling is that if you sincerely plan to stay faithful to your wife from now on don't tell her. Telling her will change nothing materially but will hurt her considerably. 

Telling her will make you feel better and her feel worse. You should live with the consequences, not her.


----------



## Chris989

I should perhaps clarify something:

Finding out about my wife's affair was unbelievably painful. It was worse than sitting watching my dad die after a sudden stroke which, until then, was the most upsetting thing in my life. It was orders of magnitude worse than that. It made my dad's death seem like a walk in the park and I could cry now if I think about my dad.

She told me by stages, but just thinking about the time she began to tell me sets my heart racing.

At the time, I felt like my chest would burst. My heart was pounding more than it ever has and it was unlike anything I had ever felt.

I could almost feel the adrenaline going into my blood. The world closed in and I would guess that kind of stress would kill someone with a heart condition.

As it came out in stages I would then come down from the extreme stressed state then start shaking, go cold and be unable to do anything for maybe an hour.

This stage took about 2 days but I am still in shock in many ways, 3 1/2 months after.

I dread to think what that might do to a pregnant woman.


----------



## Eli-Zor

johnnycomelately said:


> My feeling is that if you sincerely plan to stay faithful to your wife from now on don't tell her. Telling her will change nothing materially but will hurt her considerably.
> 
> Telling her will make you feel better and her feel worse. You should live with the consequences, not her.


It will hurt her even more even if years late the truth is revealed , she will question every day she has been with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## johnnycomelately

Eli-Zor said:


> It will hurt her even more even if years laterthe truth is revealed , she will question every day she has been with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She would do that anyway if he told her. I value human feelings over high minded principles like 'truth'. I believe that if he is in love with her and is not planning to leave it would be emotionally irresponsible to her and the child to tell her. 

There is a chance that she and the child will never know and only he will suffer. Telling her will definately negatively affect her and the unborn child. The morally correct thing to do now is to minimise the damage done to others.


----------



## ing

perhaps bookmark this thread and show her some weeks after the baby you created with her is born. You will need to check for signs of post-natal depression.
What a mess. 
Did you use protection?
Get an STD check.


----------



## Torrivien

johnnycomelately said:


> She would do that anyway if he told her. I value human feelings over high minded principles like 'truth'. I believe that if he is in love with her and is not planning to leave it would be emotionally irresponsible to her and the child to tell her.
> 
> There is a chance that she and the child will never know and only he will suffer. Telling her will definately negatively affect her and the unborn child. The morally correct thing to do now is to minimise the damage done to others.


Valueing human feelings would mean not doing actions that would cause hurt to someone. There's no greater good when it comes to trust. The trust is shattered, consequences must be accepted.

He can wait until the child is born and then tell her, and then seek to gain her back. He lost the previlege to care about her feelings when he went behind her back.

If you value human feelings, don't vow to be faithful and then cheat when facing the first road bump.

And it won't be the same torture. If it was, I could understand that he would seek to prevent her from the hurt. He'll be tortured for cheating, she'd be tortured for being cheated on. Nothing can be more opposite.


----------



## Eli-Zor

" The morally correct thing to do now is to minimise the damage done to others"

Not a chance , this advice is exatcty the same advice given to affairees on the pro-affair sites.

Him being truthful and honest is what is required to give her and himself a better chance of a future together. The manner how he discloses will determine how she reacts. She has the right to decide of she wishes to be with such a man and if she does they can together implement measures to affair proof the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vegemite

I agree with ing. She needs to know. But not now. But if you can prove that you feel this way now, and only held back telling her for her and your baby's health,then it displays true remorse and may give you a better chance.

She deserves to know. Then it's her choice. You must give her that choice. A lot will depend on your remorse. Be the most repentant you can be. You owe her that. You can't carry this to the grave. You owe her that. Good luck.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I just don't know what to do for the best. I don't want her to pay and be hurt over my mistake. She's been so happy since she found out she was pregnant. She didnt deserve any of this to happen to her. How could i be so stupid. This could destroy everything we have


----------



## Torrivien

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I just don't know what to do for the best. I don't want her to pay and be hurt over my mistake. She's been so happy since she found out she was pregnant. This could destroy everything we have


You have to do the right thing. If you really want a constructive advice. Start working on how to win her back post DDay, other than mope about what you've done.

If you want her not to know and still do everything right, you should work on creating a time maching, go back in time and not have an affair. Failing to do so, you should do her the curtesy of not lying to her face.


----------



## theone79

I would say don't tell her. Don't give her that pain. But if she suspects something and see evidence, then u will have to come clean. Because the pain of reaching for the truth that's being held from her is too much to bear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

ing said:


> perhaps bookmark this thread and show her some weeks after the baby you created with her is born. You will need to check for signs of post-natal depression.
> What a mess.
> Did you use protection?
> Get an STD check.


We did always use protection. I just can't believe how selfish I have been. I got flattered by the attention and took things way to far. It's such a mess


----------



## Chris989

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I just don't know what to do for the best. I don't want her to pay and be hurt over my mistake. She's been so happy since she found out she was pregnant. She didnt deserve any of this to happen to her. How could i be so stupid. This could destroy everything we have


Don't tell her. Be a better man in future. Don't do it again.

By the very fact that you have asked on here, however, I am going to guess that the guilt will eat you up. I am going to guess that you will *have* to tell her at some point.

Just please, do not do it until *after* the child is born.


----------



## Vegemite

Mr.not.so.right said:


> We did always use protection. I just can't believe how selfish I have been. I got flattered by the attention and took things way to far. It's such a mess



You sound like a decent enough guy who really f$cked up big time. You'll have a good chance if you tell her.


----------



## johnnycomelately

Spunoh said:


> Valueing human feelings would mean not doing actions that would cause hurt to someone. There's no greater good when it comes to trust. The trust is shattered, consequences must be accepted.
> 
> He can wait until the child is born and then tell her, and then seek to gain her back. He lost the previlege to care about her feelings when he went behind her back.
> 
> If you value human feelings, don't vow to be faithful and then cheat when facing the first road bump.
> 
> And it won't be the same torture. If it was, I could understand that he would seek to prevent her from the hurt. He'll be tortured for cheating, she'd be tortured for being cheated on. Nothing can be more opposite.


Exactly, don't do it in the first place, but what is the value of telling her now? The hard reality is that no matter how or when he tells her she will be devastated and the child's future will be less secure. The good of the woman and the child is the most important thing. It is certainly more important than alleviating his guilt.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Chris989 said:


> Don't tell her. Be a better man in future. Don't do it again.
> 
> By the very fact that you have asked on here, however, I am going to guess that the guilt will eat you up. I am going to guess that you will *have* to tell her at some point.
> 
> Just please, do not do it until *after* the child is born.


That's the thing, the guilt is killing me. I havnt slept properly in over a week, she knows something is up, but I can't put all of this on her while she is pregnant. She is actually worried about me! I can't believe I have done this to her


----------



## Vegemite

johnnycomelately said:


> Exactly, don't do it in the first place, but what is the value of telling her now? The hard reality is that no matter how or when he tells her she will be devastated and the child's future will be less secure. The good of the woman and the child is the most important thing. It is certainly more important than alleviating his guilt.


If your spouse cheated on you, wouldn't you want to know?


----------



## Torrivien

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That's the thing, the guilt is killing me. I havnt slept properly in over a week, she knows something is up, but I can't put all of this on her while she is pregnant.


You said you're not physically attracted to her. Did it start with her getting pregnant, or was it before ?
Also, pregnancy aside, what do you think her reaction would be if you told her ?
How does she react in arguments over the past ?


----------



## dormant

Some things are best unsaid. Keep it to yourself and don't tell her.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I just don't know what to do for the best. I don't want her to pay and be hurt over my mistake. She's been so happy since she found out she was pregnant. She didnt deserve any of this to happen to her. How could i be so stupid. This could destroy everything we have


You destroyed everything when you started your affair , listen to the advice we give you. There will be far more pain when , not if , she finds out in the years to come . There are many BS on this forum and others who have experienced this "I cant the the truth because it will hurt them" and has been significantly worse than knowing up front.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


----------



## Eli-Zor

dormant said:


> Some things are best unsaid. Keep it to yourself and don't tell her.


What this advocates is he lies , he gets away with it today , and in years to come finds someone else to tickle his fancy whereas telling the truth today alows both of them to affair proof their marriage especialy since he has already evidenced his willingness to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Spunoh said:


> You said you're not physically attracted to her. Did it start with her getting pregnant, or was it before ?
> Also, pregnancy aside, what do you think her reaction would be if you told her ?
> How does she react in arguments over the past ?


In all honestly, she has always been overweight, but her personality is amazing. I do love her. I didn't have any doubts about marrying her. 

I have no excuse, she is affectionate and caring, our sex life is and always has been very good. I hate myself for what I have done. I want to be married to her, but I don't deserve her.

Finding out would destroy her, she is a very sensitive and trusting person.


----------



## Torrivien

Mr.not.so.right said:


> In all honestly, she has always been overweight, but her personality is amazing. I do love her. I didn't have any doubts about marrying her.
> 
> I have no excuse, she is affectionate and caring, our sex life is and always has been very good. I hate myself for what I have done. I want to be married to her, but I don't deserve her.
> 
> Finding out would destroy her, she is a very sensitive and trusting person.


I'm not going to repeat myself, man. Just whatever decision you make, if you stay with her, don't do it again. Now you're feeling guilty, but you'll get used to it. And when that's happen, don't slip again.

You should go to therapy if your guilt is being obvious to your wife. It would be dumb if she'd get suspicious anyway.

I don't know what to say about the overweight, you can't be happily married and not attracted physically to your spouse. You'd probably better talk about that in therapy. Anything is acheivable.

People aren't born deserving or not deserving, it needs efforts to be worthy of something. And effort can't take care of itself, you must make it.

Good luck with your decision.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> In all honestly, she has always been overweight, but her personality is amazing. I do love her. I didn't have any doubts about marrying her.
> 
> I have no excuse, she is affectionate and caring, our sex life is and always has been very good. I hate myself for what I have done. I want to be married to her, but I don't deserve her.
> 
> Finding out would destroy her, she is a very sensitive and trusting person.



Your 

1. Making negative comments about your wife then trying to counter it with a positive , why even bring up the negative.
2. Seeking validation not to tell the truth

Typical wayward comments and behaviour . Say the above enough times and you may convince yourself however for those who have succesfuly fought affairs and helped numerouse marriages recover - the advice still stands. You can chose to lie today ,lie tomorrow by omission and deny when she does eventualy find out or you can deal with the situation here and now in a responsable honest manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Eli-Zor said:


> Your
> 
> 1. Making negative comments about your wife
> 2. Seeking validation not to tell the truth
> 
> Typical wayward comments and behaviour . Say the above enough times and you may convince yourself however for those who have succesfuly fought affairs and helped numerouse marriages recover - the advice still stands. You can chose to lie today ,lie tomorrow by omission and deny when she does eventualy find out or you can deal with the situation here and now in a responsable honest manner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think I'm making negative comments about my wife, I have said I don't have any excuses, it's nothing she has done at all. The fact she is overweight dosnt change that. 

I want to tell the truth, she knows something is wrong and is worrying about me, which isn't fair on her. It makes me sick to the stomach what I have done to her


----------



## Eli-Zor

Then tell her the truth, do it in a way so she feels safe and can call on family to support her should she need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Your wife has noticed something is wrong. I suggest you chose someone as a third pary to be present when you tell her, perhaps her mother or a close friend . There is no way to predict how she will react what you can do is help create a environment that helps her when the news is delivered. 

If you chose to delay until after the baby is born, and I am sure there are many reasons that can be given , the delay will likley help you choose the not tell option and that will be detrimental to the long term well being of your marriage.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Eli-Zor said:


> Then tell her the truth, do it in a way so she feels safe and can call on family to support her should she need it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it safe to tell her now while she is pregnant, I don't want her to be stressed. She needs to feel secure in her marriage at this time? I just don't know what would be for the best here.


----------



## Almostrecovered

imagine how worse it will be if she find out on her own


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Is it safe to tell her now while she is pregnant, I don't want her to be stressed. She needs to feel secure in her marriage at this time? I just don't know what would be for the best here.



I suggest you speak to a marriage counciler who has done this before , not a rug sweeper. Try call one of the Harleys from the marriagebuilders site or a reputable one you can find elsewhere. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> imagine how worse it will be if she find out on her own


That would be much worse for her, I do understand that. I'm just worried that now isn't the right time to lay this on her


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That would be much worse for her, I do understand that. I'm just worried that now isn't the right time to lay this on her


Its never the right time, the later it is the worse it gets
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That would be much worse for her, I do understand that. I'm just worried that now isn't the right time to lay this on her


my OMW was 8.75 months pregnant on dday, I held off telling her what I found due to feelings of guilt on harming a baby. I regret that now, she deserved to know what her husband did asap. I wasn't destroying their marriage, he and my wife already did that. I think health wise she was far along enough that it would be doubtful it would have any meaningful effect. 

I suppose the best course is to consult a doctor and find out what the stress during a 6 month pregnancy would do.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Eli-Zor said:


> Its never the right time, the later it is the worse it gets
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you advise me to tell her now then?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> my OMW was 8.75 months pregnant on dday, I held off telling her what I found due to feelings of guilt on harming a baby. I regret that now, she deserved to know what her husband did asap. I wasn't destroying their marriage, he and my wife already did that. I think health wise she was far along enough that it would be doubtful it would have any meaningful effect.
> 
> I suppose the best course is to consult a doctor and find out what the stress during a 6 month pregnancy would do.


That's my biggest fear, I don't want to harm our baby or my wifes health at this time


----------



## Eli-Zor

Eli-Zor said:


> I suggest you speak to a marriage counciler who has done this before , not a rug sweeper. Try call one of the Harleys from the marriagebuilders site or a reputable one you can find elsewhere.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go to the MB site and call one of the councilers , having dealt with situations like this before they would be best placed how to disclose the truth and when . There are councilers advertising on TAM , I am not aware of their levels of experience .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I'm new to these forums, I'm here for some much needed advice really. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. Both in mid twenties. My wife is 6 months pregnant.
> 
> The truth is I have been an awful husband as I have been having an affair at work for the past year. It shames me to admit this out loud. I love my wife but I'm not physically attracted to her, the affair is purely physical. I have since ended the affair as I can't continue doing this to my wife, especially as she is pregnant.
> 
> What do I do? I want to come clean, admit everything, but is it the right time with her being pregnant, I don't want to endanger our child by upsetting her at this time. I dont want to lose the chance of being a good dad. Thank you for reading, I'm desperate for advice


Wait until the child is born and at least a month after so she settles into the reality of raising a baby. 

You need to tell her. She will eventually find out. 

I was alerted by anonymous letters. People likely saw you together and people love to dish the dirt. 

Also cut off contact immediately with the OW. And don't cheat again.

After I filed for divorce from my cheating spouse. I was amazed at how many people now would tell me they knew or suspected my STBEH was having affairs. 

My STBEH only confessed because someone outed him. And, that is more hurtful than if he had confessing. Confessing shows remorse. Continuing to lie is very hurtful.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I feel to need to confess tonight. I can't live with this


----------



## cattiva

johnnycomelately said:


> My feeling is that if you sincerely plan to stay faithful to your wife from now on don't tell her. Telling her will change nothing materially but will hurt her considerably.
> 
> Telling her will make you feel better and her feel worse. You should live with the consequences, not her.


I agree completely. I found out about my husband'a affair 10 weeks after giving birth to our second son and it has completely destroyed me and taken away from my experiences with him. My mat leave is over and I'm still dealing with the pain of the affair and now the pain and guilt of losses time with my son. Please keep her whole. Keep her focused on ur child. Please from the bottom of my heart do not take that away from her and ur child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

cattiva said:


> I agree completely. I found out about my husband'a affair 10 weeks after giving birth to our second son and it has completely destroyed me and taken away from my experiences with him. My mat leave is over and I'm still dealing with the pain of the affair and now the pain and guilt of losses time with my son. Please keep her whole. Keep her focused on ur child. Please from the bottom of my heart do not take that away from her and ur child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just don't know what's for the best, I don't want to keep this from her and I don't want to hurt her either. Can't believe I have put us in this position


----------



## Almostrecovered

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't want to hurt her either.


too late

even if she never finds out there is considerable damage done


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> too late
> 
> even if she never finds out there is considerable damage done


I'd do anything to take back what happened. I've failed her in the worst way. I just don't know how to even begin to tell her about this


----------



## Almostrecovered

click the newbie link and read the third post on how to help an affair partner

I think Eli has a good idea in consulting a good qualified MC first due to the pregnancy circumstance


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> click the newbie link and read the third post on how to help an affair partner
> 
> I think Eli has a good idea in consulting a good qualified MC first due to the pregnancy circumstance


Yes, think I'm going to have to talk to someone about this. I'm not sure I can risk telling her at this stage. She's been so happy since she got pregnant, looking forward to starting a family. It would crush her.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Yes, think I'm going to have to talk to someone about this. I'm not sure I can risk telling her at this stage. She's been so happy since she got pregnant, looking forward to starting a family. It would crush her.


Be warned a decent counciler will advise you to tell her , it is the how and the best processes you seek. Do not see this as a delaying tactic as it is not what we are suggesting .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Eli-Zor said:


> Be warned a decent counciler will advise you to tell her , it is the how and the best processes you seek. Do not see this as a delaying tactic as it is not what we are suggesting .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand, I know I need to tell her. She deserves the choice of whether she still wants to stay with me. I just need to face up to what I have done. I can't live with the guilt anyway, and she knows there is something wrong


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I understand, I know I need to tell her. She deserves the choice of whether she still wants to stay with me. I just need to face up to what I have done. I can't live with the guilt anyway, and she knows there is something wrong


Good call, when you do tell her be honest and answer all her questions, many waywards trickle truth and that does more damage. Thereafer it is down to her to decide to R or not. Emotions will be high , she may be shocked and blame herself , do not allow this and accept the full blame for the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confused55

You should tell your wife after she has the baby, has settled in to a daily routine and things calm down in your household.

The fact that you do not find your wife attractive is a problem, as with most women, they usually have more weight and are a bit flabby for awhile after having a baby. And also, they are so busy with the new baby that they can't give as much attention to the husband.

If you have already cheated, I personally think the desire to do so will escalate once you have a family, or at least somewhere down the line.

I think it is only fair to your wife that she knows what her husband is really capable of, and at least she can make a decision as to whether she wants to split up now (before you have more kids), or try to live with the pain for the rest of her life.

This may seem harsh, but I believe it is reality.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I understand, I know I need to tell her. She deserves the choice of whether she still wants to stay with me. I just need to face up to what I have done. I can't live with the guilt anyway, and she knows there is something wrong


 Just to give you some perspective OP, I am going to tell you this. This is not to push you to tell her, I do believe you need to consult a Doctor and see, but the time in between your affair and telling her is all going to be a lie for her. Your entire life together became a lie the second you cheated, and it doesn't stop for HER until the day she finds out the whole truth. I didn't find out for 18 months. That whole year and a half was an entire lie to me. On top of that, my H's curios behavior actually made me think I was going crazy. There is no feeling like that in the world. Knowing something is wrong, not knowing what, and then having someone lie to you and make you think its YOU.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

confused55 said:


> You should tell your wife after she has the baby, has settled in to a daily routine and things calm down in your household.
> 
> The fact that you do not find your wife attractive is a problem, as with most women, they usually have more weight and are a bit flabby for awhile after having a baby. And also, they are so busy with the new baby that they can't give as much attention to the husband.
> 
> If you have already cheated, I personally think the desire to do so will escalate once you have a family, or at least somewhere down the line.
> 
> I think it is only fair to your wife that she knows what her husband is really capable of, and at least she can make a decision as to whether she wants to split up now (before you have more kids), or try to live with the pain for the rest of her life.
> 
> This may seem harsh, but I believe it is reality.


It's not harsh. It's all true. I've let her down, I can only hope she wants to stay married. I need to find the right time to tell her


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Just to give you some perspective OP, I am going to tell you this. This is not to push you to tell her, I do believe you need to consult a Doctor and see, but the time in between your affair and telling her is all going to be a lie for her. Your entire life together became a lie the second you cheated, and it doesn't stop for HER until the day she finds out the whole truth. I didn't find out for 18 months. That whole year and a half was an entire lie to me. On top of that, my H's curios behavior actually made me think I was going crazy. There is no feeling like that in the world. Knowing something is wrong, not knowing what, and then having someone lie to you and make you think its YOU.


I know, the longer I leave it the worse it will feel for her. She is actually worried about me because she knows something is on my mind. She such a nice person and I have ruined everything. This should be a happy and exciting time, instead I have done this


----------



## sick.

I have experience being on the receiving end of this! I was pregnant when I started getting suspicious of my husband. 

You need to tell her now. Not after she has the baby. She needs to know now. I wish my husband told me then, and he still hasn't told me. He's still in denial. If you don't tell her now, it will be even harder after the baby has arrived.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

sick. said:


> I have experience being on the receiving end of this! I was pregnant when I started getting suspicious of my husband.
> 
> You need to tell her now. Not after she has the baby. She needs to know now. I wish my husband told me then, and he still hasn't told me. He's still in denial. If you don't tell her now, it will be even harder after the baby has arrived.


But would telling her now not affect her pregnancy in a bad way? I just don't know.


----------



## gemjo

Why are you married to your wife if you dont physically find her attractive?
How long have you been married?

I wish I never knew my husband cheated... But he cheated once and was/is very remorseful......his one off cheat has ruined my marriage, it can't ever be the same and your wife is pregnant nd you cheated a whoe year!

You deserve the fallout, but she doesn't, and neither does your unborn baby! Tell her now and the ort could happen.

I would consider living with your guilt and if you truly love your wife and genuinely want to remain married then make a pledge to yourself that you have learned a valuable lesson, and never cheat again. However, if you don't find your wife attractive then you probably will Cheat in the future. Why did you marry?

At the very least, wait until baby is at least 6 weeks before you break such terrible news.


----------



## Samus

Telling her now will cause her extreme stress and sadness. She will feel that you abandoned her at her most vulnerable time, being pregnant with your baby. 

Will it harm the baby? I don't think so, but I am not a doctor. Will it hurt her feeling? Tremendously and unbearably. Does it seem selfish that you want to tell her right now/tonight? Yes, as selfish as you were when you were having a PA with another woman, just so you can release your feelings of sexual attractiveness and now of guiltiness (is that a word LOL).

I agree with some of the other's here to not tell her. Unless you are emotionally involved with the OW and can't stop yourself from banging her then yes, tell your wife today and if she decides to leave and go to her family (if that is an option) then that is the bed you have made for yourself. 

YOu seem to be very remorseful, marriage is all about honesty, but sometimes that honesty needs to be held back if it is something you can get past. 

Good Luck to you man, this is tough one, but stop cheating on your wife, and if she is a bit bigger then she was when you got married, encourage her to exercise together.


----------



## Maricha75

Mr.not.so.right said:


> But would telling her now not affect her pregnancy in a bad way? I just don't know.


Is she classified high risk right now? Pre-ecclampsia? Incompetent cervix? Anything at all that the doctors have listed as high risk?


----------



## Chris989

Mr.not.so.right said:


> But would telling her now not affect her pregnancy in a bad way? I just don't know.


My wife and I have been through 2 pregnancies. The first we had no idea but turned out to be a very high risk birth and we nearly lost our first child.

She had a miscarriage a couple of years later and then we were blessed with a 2nd child a couple of years after that.

I expect the stress people suffer when they are first told varies as much as child birth itself. 

Having seen 2 different births and experienced unbelievable pain when I was told by my wife, I say DO NOT TELL HER NOW.

She might take it relatively well, but if she feels what I did it cannot do any good for the baby. 

*You and your wife are absolutely secondary considerations here*.

Man up. Don't tell her.

Face the consequences later.

Get your baby into the world first then face the music.


----------



## alte Dame

Several questions:

Why are you tortured by this now if this affair has been going on for a year? Why now?

If you're not attracted to your wife, will that change? Will your lack of sexual attraction mean that you will be tempted to stray again?


----------



## Writer

I, normally, side with the side that agrees to tell the spouse right away. However, there are some circumstances. 

I need more information about her pregnancy to decide. 

How far along is she? If she is ready to give birth, then I would put off telling her. Let her focus on your child, and tell her after.

Also, if she is considered high-risk, this must be taken in consideration. I wouldn't advise anyone to tell anyone anything if it would negatively affect her condition. Tell her after the birth.

If she is not ready to "pop" or is high-risk, then tell her. However, break it to her gently. Be considerate of her feelings so you don't negatively impact her or the baby's health.


----------



## Chris989

Writer said:


> I, normally, side with the side that agrees to tell the spouse right away. However, there are some circumstances.
> 
> I need more information about her pregnancy to decide.
> 
> How far along is she? If she is ready to give birth, then I would put off telling her. Let her focus on your child, and tell her after.
> 
> Also, if she is considered high-risk, this must be taken in consideration. I wouldn't advise anyone to tell anyone anything if it would negatively affect her condition. Tell her after the birth.
> 
> If she is not ready to "pop" or is high-risk, then tell her. However, break it to her gently. Be considerate of her feelings so you don't negatively impact her or the baby's health.


Seriously, how do you tell someone "gently" that their whole world is shattered?

"Hey, wifey, I have a venn diagram here. It shows all the people in this house and all the people who have been faithful".

"But, dear husband, there are TWO circles".

"Aha, you noticed. We need to talk".

How would you tell someone whatever the opposite of gently is?


----------



## Harken Banks

Talk to a marriage counselor. A really good marriage counselor who doesn't let anything slide. Make sure it is someone who has the Shirley Glass and Harley books within arm's reach from their office chair. And talk to the Ob/Gyns. And, yes, she, your wife, will likely view the entire period from the time of the first indiscretion through the time she believes she knows the full extent of this mess as a nightmare of lies and deception. And there will be lots of pain to follow. Sadly, that is how it is.


----------



## Emerald

The innocent unborn child comes first. 

Do not tell her until after the baby is born - the stress of your affair could cause her to lose the baby.

You can live with the guilt & shame for a few more months & you need to start acting "normally" around your wife during this time.

If you were my husband & you confessed your affair when I was 6 months pregnant & I lost the baby or the baby was born with problems, I would NEVER forgive you.

I may forgive you if you told me after the baby was born & you explained why you waited.


----------



## MattMatt

Vegemite said:


> If your spouse cheated on you, wouldn't you want to know?


Maybe not. If my wife had not told me she was going to have her affair, I doubt I would have known she had one.


----------



## MattMatt

BTW, please do *NOT* tell your wife you don't find her physically attractive. Just don't.


----------



## lucky me

johnnycomelately said:


> My feeling is that if you sincerely plan to stay faithful to your wife from now on don't tell her. Telling her will change nothing materially but will hurt her considerably.
> 
> Telling her will make you feel better and her feel worse. You should live with the consequences, not her.


 X2


----------



## Chris989

MattMatt said:


> Maybe not. If my wife had not told me she was going to have her affair, I doubt I would have known she had one.


I've thought long and hard about this question. I had lots of suspicions but didn't ever act on them.

Had my wife not told me, I would probably never have known as, in hindsight, I was as blind to her affair as I could have been. Even the POSOM used to complain at her for being so blasé about it all.

I hate to say this, but my life would be infinitely better had she not told me.

Had she not told me and simply started being the wife I always wanted - surprising me with the type of sex she now gives me but rarely did before the affair, being caring, coming to bed at the same time as I do, being a good wife in so many other ways, then I would have been ecstatic.

She couldn't do this, however. She had to tell me first before doing all of those things - rendering them useless; impotent.

It was her quid pro quo. Her pound of flesh. I couldn't have the improved version of her - the version I always wanted - without her telling me why, without her telling me that she was only changing under duress.

It was the ultimate expression of her selfishness in having the affair. She could not have the OM any more, but she could make me suffer. Make me sing for my supper.

Being selfless takes courage. Sometimes not telling the truth takes far more courage than telling it.

Study a little philosophy and you will see there are several approaches to morality and the truth and each is entirely valid.

Please, please, consider your unborn child before you consider yourself or your wife.

Edit: Just a thought and an extremely corny one, but you might notice my avatar is from "Casablanca". In that film, a woman does not tell her husband of an affair she had. It is a brilliant film and deals with what love really is. I recommend that everyone watches it.


----------



## WakeUpWS

As a former WS, the burden you will place on her by your confession will be considerable.

You must believe that no matter what you decide, she will find out. The pain she will deal with, as others have mentioned, will be compounded by the fact she will feel she has lived a lie - up until the truth is known. In my case, it was three months (Dday was April 2011 - still in MC, still in R, still a daily topic).

But, she will also consider you must have known you were capable of this, what went so wrong with you that you'd even consider doing such a thing? If you're like me - there are (were, in my case) reasons...all unjustifiable.

Of course, the baby is the focus right now.

I would suggest you write her a letter explaining everything you would confess to her if you did it this second. Send it to yourself in some way so that there's a postmark showing the date. At least, you can demonstrate some remorse now, but also show your concern for her condition - and later when this is presented, perhaps there will be some mercy for you.

You must show it to her after the baby is born. You must be responsible for your actions, your poor decisions, your issues that lead you to do this. Do it for your soul, not for your wife.

You must discover, or admit to yourself the truth. Why did you do this? What will you do to honestly know in your own truth that you will never be this selfish again? A child is now involved...it's serious.

I wish someone (if I weren't such an island in the past) smacked me around and made me think before I did such a horrible thing.

If only I'd considered such a place as TAM before I let my resentments justify such unjustifiable decisions.....


----------



## Harken Banks

Chris989 said:


> Study a little philosophy and you will see there are several approaches to morality and the truth and each is entirely valid.


A little Bentham in you?


----------



## Chris989

Harken Banks said:


> A little Bentham in you?


I wouldn't agree with his thoughts, but he is on the spectrum. My point is that there may be no such thing as moral absolutism.


----------



## Harken Banks

Chris989 said:


> I wouldn't agree with his thoughts, but he is on the spectrum. My point is that there may be no such thing as moral absolutism.


Well, that is what this to tell or not to tell question comes down to. I don't believe in the noble lie.


----------



## Writer

Chris989 said:


> Seriously, how do you tell someone "gently" that their whole world is shattered?
> 
> "Hey, wifey, I have a venn diagram here. It shows all the people in this house and all the people who have been faithful".
> 
> "But, dear husband, there are TWO circles".
> 
> "Aha, you noticed. We need to talk".
> 
> How would you tell someone whatever the opposite of gently is?


Well, it is easy, actually. Don't go for the brutal honest truth. Be compassionate and respectful.

During my EA, my husband and I were at the kitchen table. I, simply, said, "I am having an affair with the OM. I messed up, and I need your help." Then, you talk about the steps that you are taking to own up to the choice that you made.

Of course, I could have said, "Writer's husband, I am having an affair. I don't find you physically attractive."

Telling someone gently is not sugar-coating. It is being considerate of their emotions and feelings. It's not trickle-truthing them. It's telling them what they want to hear when they ask.


----------



## ing

You know that here it is almost always "you must tell" but it is pretty evenly split between tell and not tell when and only when:
The affair is over
You have no intention of resuming it
You feel genuine remorse
You will work hard on rectifying it.


Feeling guilty will not go away if you tell her. 
The sad fact is that you are guilty. Telling her will not alleviate that! You get to carry that guilt for the rest of your life.

You sound like you are in a place that many of the posters here wish their WS were. You want to do the right thing. Perhaps that is the key. Not if you tell her or not. 

i can't really believe I am suggesting you not to tell. 
It is a tough one.

I think you had better get in a see a very good MC who specialists in infidelity. 


Good you used protection. If you do tell her .Make sure she knows that. She will want every single detail Every date and she will make connections as you do. Things you said and did. The times you came home and had sex with her straight after having sex with the OW. Distant looks. It is like being punched in the head over and over again as the connections are made.


----------



## seeking sanity

Waiting until the baby comes does NOT mitigate "risk" to the baby or the mother. Women get post-partum depression. Motherhood in the first years is exhausting - physically, mentally, spiritually. Waiting does nothing but endanger her health more. 

You need to decide your ethics on this. But whatever decision you make, make it now.


----------



## Harken Banks

I am pretty sure I would want to know if my spouse did not find me attractive. I would not enjoy hearing it. But isn't that why you came together? Seems pretty fundamental. Interestingly, that is one that I would not mention while she is pregnant or until she has regained her pre-pregnancy body. But then, if you are not attracted to your spouse, . . .. What?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Thanks everyone for the advice. The best thing to do is wait until our baby is born. I can't put her through this now, won't take the risk. Its just so hard knowing that this is hanging over us and that I caused it all. Its causing me stress so imagine what she will feel, I need to wait.

It's taken me a year to realise what I have got to lose. I honestly don't know what was going on in my head to do such a thing.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

seeking sanity said:


> Waiting until the baby comes does NOT mitigate "risk" to the baby or the mother. Women get post-partum depression. Motherhood in the first years is exhausting - physically, mentally, spiritually. Waiting does nothing but endanger her health more.
> 
> You need to decide your ethics on this. But whatever decision you make, make it now.


This is my worry. There is never a good time to tell someone you have betrayed them. I just don't want to spoil her pregnancy, she is so excited and happy, it would drain her.


----------



## seeking sanity

You better wait about two years then, if the goal is to "protect her" during her fragile state. Being a new parent is a wild ride - and if you think she feels lousy about herself now, wait until the baby weight hasn't dropped off as fast a she wanted, and she's exhausted, and can't think because she hasn't had a proper nights sleep in months, and it covered in spit up. She is going to feel unsafe with you, which is going to directly go against the hormones that are raging for safety and comfort. 

You're deluded. I'm sorry.


----------



## dixieangel

I don't think you have any idea how bad things can be if you tell her. Both of your lives could become a living Hell. She will always wonder where you are, question you, have panic attacks if you don't answer your phone, check up on you all the time...and you will have to be transparent and have your every move scrutinized. Attention will be taken away from your precious child because of all of this stress in your relationship. It can be compounded by the highly emotional state surrounding a pregnancy. As a matter of fact, this could be so traumatizing she may never recover from it. You said she is a very sensitive woman...likely the type of personality to be most affected by it.

I found out right after my hysterectomy and I'm not even the same person...7 years later...

Don't hurt them. Take this to your grave. No good will ever come from this truth. This is definitely one of those things better left unsaid.


----------



## WakeUpWS

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I honestly don't know what was going on in my head to do such a thing.


Figure it out then! Be honest with yourself!

Don't know? You must be a self-serving, selfish pig then! I mean, what's someone to think otherwise? Really....if it's you just wanted some "strange", admit that to yourself!

The point is, you do know. Even if you won't admit it to yourself. You know. And, your wife will ask you this. You better do the digging now because that answer won't fly: "I don't know"

Seriously?

Man, I've been where you are now. I know the horrid realization that you have to confess, and I knew it wouldn't be easy. And, I can't say I felt "so much better" confessing because I heard the horrible truth come from my own mouth. And, to watch my wife deal with that - and is STILL dealing with it.

*FIGURE IT OUT, MAN!*


----------



## Harken Banks

I am at a loss as to the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her, be a bigger man and bury this" advice. I have this conversation with friends from time to time, this morning even with a friend who is more a friend to my WW, is appalled, and still has his own own secret. This kind of secret would corrupt my soul. Because I know my spouse would feel that she was entitled to the truth and that I would know that I owed it to her and instead decided who should know what. This is not to say the other view is wrong. 6 months ago I probably would have espoused it. Knowing what I know, I wish it weren't so, but I wouldn't unknow it. This all brings to mind the work of teh wonderful Dr. Walter Freeman.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

dixieangel said:


> I don't think you have any idea how bad things can be if you tell her. Both of your lives could become a living Hell. She will always wonder where you are, question you, have panic attacks if you don't answer your phone, check up on you all the time...and you will have to be transparent and have your every move scrutinized. Attention will be taken away from your precious child because of all of this stress in your relationship. It can be compounded by the highly emotional state surrounding a pregnancy. As a matter of fact, this could be so traumatizing she may never recover from it. You said she is a very sensitive woman...likely the type of personality to be most affected by it.
> 
> I found out right after my hysterectomy and I'm not even the same person...7 years later...
> 
> Don't hurt them. Take this to your grave. No good will ever come from this truth. This is definitely one of those things better left unsaid.


My gut instinct is to tell her, but I see what you are saying. Some people think I should tell, some think I shouldn't. Personally I think she needs to know, its finding the right time to do this.

I dont want to take any focus away from our baby, but she does deserve the truth. I just don't know


----------



## MattMatt

Mr.not.so.right said:


> My gut instinct is to tell her, but I see what you are saying. Some people think I should tell, some think I shouldn't. Personally I think she needs to know, its finding the right time to do this.
> 
> I dont want to take any focus away from our baby, but she does deserve the truth. I just don't know


My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. Whilst I appreciate her candour and her honesty, _*part of me wishes that she had kept her 'fling' a secret*_.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

WakeUpWS said:


> Figure it out then! Be honest with yourself!
> 
> Don't know? You must be a self-serving, selfish pig then! I mean, what's someone to think otherwise? Really....if it's you just wanted some "strange", admit that to yourself!
> 
> The point is, you do know. Even if you won't admit it to yourself. You know. And, your wife will ask you this. You better do the digging now because that answer won't fly: "I don't know"
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> Man, I've been where you are now. I know the horrid realization that you have to confess, and I knew it wouldn't be easy. And, I can't say I felt "so much better" confessing because I heard the horrible truth come from my own mouth. And, to watch my wife deal with that - and is STILL dealing with it.
> 
> *FIGURE IT OUT, MAN!*


I found the ow attractive, I was flattered by her attention, I wasn't thinking straight. Its sounds pathetic dosnt it. And yet I let this go on for a year.


----------



## Chris989

Ok, a better question might perhaps be: "What does my unborn child gain from me telling my wife now?".


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

MattMatt said:


> My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. Whilst I appreciate her candour and her honesty, _*part of me wishes that she had kept her 'fling' a secret*_.


But that would be me taking the easy way out, I can understand where you are coming from though. But I feel like we won't be able to move on with this hanging over us.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Chris989 said:


> Ok, a better question might perhaps be: "What does my unborn child gain from me telling my wife now?".


It can do no good, that's for sure. That's why I'm so torn over what to do for the best


----------



## confused55

Does she have any way of finding out if you don't tell her for a few months?

If there is any kind of a chance she will find out, tell her now, because it will be so much worse if it doesn't come from you, and she finds out another way.

If my husband would have just confessed instead of me finding out in an email, it would be at least 50% better for me and I would feel like I could trust him more.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

confused55 said:


> Does she have any way of finding out if you don't tell her for a few months?
> 
> If there is any kind of a chance she will find out, tell her now, because it will be so much worse if it doesn't come from you, and she finds out another way.
> 
> If my husband would have just confessed instead of me finding out in an email, it would be at least 50% better for me and I would feel like I could trust him more.


I don't think she would find out. She dosnt know the other OW. You are right though, it needs to come from me


----------



## Harken Banks

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I found the ow attractive, I was flattered by her attention, I wasn't thinking straight. Its sounds pathetic dosnt it. And yet I let this go on for a year.


That is some good honesty.


----------



## ladybird

I would have to disagree with some people saying not to tell your wife. She has a right to know what her husband has been up to as bad as it is. 

You need to tell her, let HER decided if she still wants to be your wife after you tell her. You will be at her mercy when you do tell her. 

You do sound remorseful, and want to make things right, in order to do that you need to tell her the truth, you can never move on otherwise.

There is never a right time to tell someone you cheated on them. Now is a good enough time as any.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

ladybird said:


> I would have to disagree with some people saying not to tell your wife. She has a right to know what her husband has been up to as bad as it is.
> 
> You need to tell her, let HER decided if she still wants to be your wife after you tell her. You will be at her mercy when you do tell her.
> 
> You do sound remorseful, and want to make things right, in order to do that you need to tell her the truth, you can never move on otherwise.
> 
> There is never a right time to tell someone you cheated on them. Now is a good enough time as any.




Such a difference in opinion as to whether now is the right time to tell or not. Its a difficult situation. I don't know what would be for the best


----------



## lisab0105

I was 6 months pregnant when I was confessed too...and he followed it up with constant attempts to cheat again. 

Trust me, the female body is quite resourceful when pregnant. You would be amazed at the emotional hell a woman can endure while carrying a child and end up ok at the end. And by ok, I mean physically. 

It certainly made my life stressful. It took away from our time to focus on our pregnancy together. But...If I had a choice between while pregnant and after I brought the baby home...I am glad I was told to me when it was. 

If you are going to tell her, tell her NOW when she can focus on healing. If you tell her afterward, she is going to be split in so many directions, everyone will suffer.

Sex isn't worth the pain your are about to put her through. When will people learn?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

lisab0105 said:


> I was 6 months pregnant when I was confessed too...and he followed it up with constant attempts to cheat again.
> 
> Trust me, the female body is quite resourceful when pregnant. You would be amazed at the emotional hell a woman can endure while carrying a child and end up ok at the end. And by ok, I mean physically.
> 
> It certainly made my life stressful. It took away from our time to focus on our pregnancy together. But...If I had a choice between while pregnant and after I brought the baby home...I am glad I was told to me when it was.
> 
> If you are going to tell her, tell her NOW when she can focus on healing. If you tell her afterward, she is going to be split in so many directions, everyone will suffer.
> 
> Sex isn't worth the pain your are about to put her through. When will people learn?



First of all, thank you, it's great to hear advice from someone in a similar situation, it's really helpful.

I do want to tell her, but was worried that it might affect her pregnancy. I guess now could be the right time, but I'm still worried about the stress it will cause her. 

The affair was idiotic, not worth what it will do to my wife. It troubles me that I was capable of doing this.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I just hope she can forgive me. I don't deserve anything though.


----------



## Samus

lisab0105 said:


> I was 6 months pregnant when I was confessed too...and he followed it up with constant attempts to cheat again.
> 
> Trust me, the female body is quite resourceful when pregnant. You would be amazed at the emotional hell a woman can endure while carrying a child and end up ok at the end. And by ok, I mean physically.
> 
> It certainly made my life stressful. It took away from our time to focus on our pregnancy together. But...If I had a choice between while pregnant and after I brought the baby home...I am glad I was told to me when it was.
> 
> If you are going to tell her, tell her NOW when she can focus on healing. If you tell her afterward, she is going to be split in so many directions, everyone will suffer.
> 
> Sex isn't worth the pain your are about to put her through. When will people learn?


And here you have it. A person that actually was basically in the same situation as you are now. She was pregnant when she found out. I agree with her.

Tell her now and live with the consequences. She will most likely be really hurt and want to leave you and go to her parents, if that is an option. Is that an option? 

You will be very sad and hurt for your mistake. Be remorseful, explain to her everything that happened. Be very detail oriented and answer any of her questions. Most of all continue to support and love her, if you want to keep her and her to see that you are truly remorseful. 

Good Luck. Please keep us posted. We are here to help you.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Samus said:


> And here you have it. A person that actually was basically in the same situation as you are now. She was pregnant when she found out. I agree with her.
> 
> Tell her now and live with the consequences. She will most likely be really hurt and want to leave you and go to her parents, if that is an option. Is that an option?
> 
> You will be very sad and hurt for your mistake. Be remorseful, explain to her everything that happened. Be very detail oriented and answer any of her questions. Most of all continue to support and love her, if you want to keep her and her to see that you are truly remorseful.
> 
> Good Luck. Please keep us posted. We are here to help you.


I guess telling her now may be the best thing to do. Yes she could go to her parents as they live quite close to us. But if she dosnt want to stay with me it should be me that leaves, I hope it dosnt come to that but I don't deserve anything more.


----------



## lisab0105

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lisab0105

If you really LOVE her, Don't offer to leave. Don't even mention walking out that door. She is going to want some major reassurance from you that this is where you want to be. 

My concern is that your problem with her still exists, and will only be magnified when ahe is at her biggest pregnancy weight and after the baby is born. If you don't WANT your wife,you need to let her go before you do this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Samus

Only leave if she asks you to leave so she has space. Do all you can to assure her this will never happen again and it was a mistake. 

Preferably explain to her that you rather stay with her during this time to help her with her pregnancy and don't want to leave her, tell her you love her dearly and you made a mistake and explain to her that anything she wants needs access to she can have it. 

Try to become an open book. Unfortunately in this situation, it is really up to your wife man. Tell her you want to raise your baby together with her and be a father in the life of your child with her. Make her know that you are remorseful, but make sure you don't do it again (cheat).


----------



## seeking sanity

Good decision. You may want to read the following in preparation:


YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


----------



## seeking sanity

Also, do you work with the other woman? If so, you'll need to find a way to stop doing that. A pregnant wife (or any wife) will go insane thinking you're working right next to the woman you were f*cking.


----------



## Dewy

lovelygirl said:


> It could be risky for the pregnancy.
> Once the pregnancy is over you should tell her. She has the right to know.


she has the right to know, and make a decision. It can also be good for you to confess, with some consequences laid on you , you might learn something, like not to cheat


----------



## peacefully

Are you looking to clear your conscience for your sake or hers? 
Clearing your conscience to make yourself feel less burdened at the expense of her health and wellbeing is a selfish move. If you want to make things right: stop having affairs and bring your heart, your energy, and your attention back home where it belongs.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

seeking sanity said:


> Also, do you work with the other woman? If so, you'll need to find a way to stop doing that. A pregnant wife (or any wife) will go insane thinking you're working right next to the woman you were f*cking.


I do work with her yes, so its very awkward. I'm not sure what I can do about that though


----------



## Eli-Zor

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I do work with her yes, so its very awkward. I'm not sure what I can do about that though


Your marriage or your job, leave the job to help save your marriage or ???

Have you made arrangements to tell your wife of your affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Eli-Zor said:


> Your marriage or your job, leave the job to help save your marriage or ???
> 
> Have you made arrangements to tell your wife of your affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I plan to tell her yes, I think its for the best. We can't afford for me to leave my job, especially since we have another mouth to feed, its just not an option. I realise this could cause problems though.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

peacefully said:


> Are you looking to clear your conscience for your sake or hers?
> Clearing your conscience to make yourself feel less burdened at the expense of her health and wellbeing is a selfish move. If you want to make things right: stop having affairs and bring your heart, your energy, and your attention back home where it belongs.


I just feel I need to tell her, it is at least partly to do with guilt admittedly, but she has the right to know


----------



## confused55

I changed my mind about telling her later. Tell her now.

If you are still working with the woman, that's just too close for comfort. People talk. You just never know who will tell her.

Is she married or have a boyfriend? They might tell your wife. 

Believe me, if she finds out other than from you, it's so much worse.

Tell Now


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

confused55 said:


> I changed my mind about telling her later. Tell her now.
> 
> If you are still working with the woman, that's just too close for comfort. People talk. You just never know who will tell her.
> 
> Is she married or have a boyfriend? They might tell your wife.
> 
> Believe me, if she finds out other than from you, it's so much worse.
> 
> Tell Now


I agree, I think I need to tell her now, the OW is single but I'm sure some people at work must know about us, we have been discreet but I'm sure someone knows.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

lisab0105 said:


> If you really LOVE her, Don't offer to leave. Don't even mention walking out that door. She is going to want some major reassurance from you that this is where you want to be.
> 
> My concern is that your problem with her still exists, and will only be magnified when ahe is at her biggest pregnancy weight and after the baby is born. If you don't WANT your wife,you need to let her go before you do this again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love her, I want to stay married, but that will be her decision. Her weight dosnt matter, ive learnt that there is more to life, and I know I love my wife, I don't want to lose her


----------



## seeking sanity

You're going to have to change jobs, bud. It's not gonna work otherwise, and if you plan on STAYING in the job, then don't tell her. Here's why: After she finds out, she's going to extremely upset, become hypervigillant, and question everything about you and the relationship. Every minute you are around the other woman at work, will torture for her. I consider it abuse, personally. So telling her without a plan to not further hurt her, is abusive and cruel.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

seeking sanity said:


> You're going to have to change jobs, bud. It's not gonna work otherwise, and if you plan on STAYING in the job, then don't tell her. Here's why: After she finds out, she's going to extremely upset, become hypervigillant, and question everything about you and the relationship. Every minute you are around the other woman at work, will torture for her. I consider it abuse, personally. So telling her without a plan to not further hurt her, is abusive and cruel.


Yeah, the whole fact that I work with the OW complicates everything. Its difficult, I can't just leave my job, we need the money. I don't know what to do, I just can't believe I could be so stupid. I just want to focus and making this up to my wife if she will let me. 

I could maybe try and move offices or something but that isn't a given.


----------



## Acabado

Send OW a NC text/email (ask for templaes here if you need them). Then go really NC with her. If you have to deal woth her at work do it just about bussiness, no chit chat, not relationship issues, not how you are?
If you plan to confess later then start making a long of your interactions with OW (work related I mean) so you can show your wife you already ende it properly and you are behaving since then.


----------



## theOTHERman

dont know what to say... you are in a tough spot. and its not healthy to her, yourself or your new child.
if you are not physically attracted to her... wtf r u with her?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Acabado said:


> Send OW a NC text/email (ask for templaes here if you need them). Then go really NC with her. If you have to deal woth her at work do it just about bussiness, no chit chat, not relationship issues, not how you are?
> If you plan to confess later then start making a long of your interactions with OW (work related I mean) so you can show your wife you already ende it properly and you are behaving since then.


The OW and I mutually agreed to back off each other, there isn't any animosity there. She feels bad for what we have done as well. She understands that we just have to be professional with each other now and nothing more.


----------



## cledus_snow

you can't quit now, but you can sure as hell start looking elsewhere for employment.....like ASAP. 

don't sit on your ass feeling sorry for yourself. be pro-active.

start drawing up an _official_ NC letter, a timeline, and get ready to admit to your philandering as soon as the time looks right.


----------



## Writer

Mr.not.so.right said:


> The OW and I mutually agreed to back off each other, there isn't any animosity there. She feels bad for what we have done as well. She understands that we just have to be professional with each other now and nothing more.


A NC letter isn't only to say that you will never have any contact with the OW again. Yes, it will put the end of your affair in writing. It, also, is a token to the BS to show that you are ready for R. It shows her that you are serious in your intentions.

Show through actions that you are remorseful. Draft the NC. Yes, I can understand that you can't quite now. However, it is essential that you find a new job as soon as possible. Every time you go to work, you BS will wonder if this will be the moment that you are weak. Every time you see your AP, your wife will wonder if you are still true to her.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I think I'm going to tell her tonight. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I've googled a nc letter and will write one out, hopefully to prove that everything is over. I just don't know what to expect from this.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I think I'm going to tell her tonight. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I've googled a nc letter and will write one out, hopefully to prove that everything is over. I just don't know what to expect from this.


It is far better that your wife finds out about this from you than some stranger, friend or anonymous letter or call. 

She will find out.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I plan to tell her yes, I think its for the best. We can't afford for me to leave my job, especially since we have another mouth to feed, its just not an option. I realise this could cause problems though.


Please start looking for a new job. 

Your wife will not be able to handle the fact that you two see each other every day at work. 

The suspicion and doubt will kill her.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I agree, I think I need to tell her now, the OW is single but I'm sure some people at work must know about us, we have been discreet but I'm sure someone knows.


They Know.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> Please start looking for a new job.
> 
> Your wife will not be able to handle the fact that you two see each other every day at work.
> 
> The suspicion and doubt will kill her.


It's just so hard these days with jobs, but I agree, I need to move on if my family is to stay intact. It's not fair to put her through that every day, wondering what's going on at work, assuming she even wants to stay married.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> It's just so hard these days with jobs, but I agree, I need to move on if my family is to stay intact. It's not fair to put her through that every day, wondering what's going on at work, assuming she even wants to stay married.


She will likely want to work things out, if you never cheat again and have no contact with the OW. 

The no contact letter is important. In it you need to tell the OW you are ashamed of your actions and to not talk to you again. 

Do not be kind to let her down easy. No I will miss you or I enjoyed your company. 

This woman knew what she was doing was wrong and that it might end abruptly and badly. 

Show your wife your allegiance is to her and her only, now.

I tried to reconcile for six months, but my husband wasn't behaving.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> She will likely want to work things out, if you never cheat again and have no contact with the OW.
> 
> The no contact letter is important. In it you need to tell the OW you are ashamed of your actions and to not talk to you again.
> 
> Do not be kind to let her down easy. No I will miss you or I enjoyed your company.
> 
> This woman knew what she was doing was wrong and that it might end abruptly and badly.
> 
> Show your wife your allegiance is to her and her only, now.
> 
> I tried to reconcile for six months, but my husband wasn't behaving.


I hope you're right about her wanting to work things out. This betrayal will be so hard on her though, I know she will find it very difficult to trust me again. I hope I don't lose her but only have myself to blame.

A few posters have mentioned a no contact letter being a good idea so I might try that. I don't think it will lesson the blow to my wife much though.

I feel sick to the stomach about tonight, never felt this bad in my life.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> They Know.


Yeah, they are bound too


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

On way home now, nervous as hell, don't know where to start


----------



## andy53

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## andy53

Let it be. Move on. Change jobs and move house. Do whatever it takes to get the OW out of you and your wife's life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

So I have told her, came back last night and spilled my guts to her. I'm sure it won't come as much of a surprise to you that she didn't take it well. Lots of crying and screaming. Worst of all was just the total look of disgust she had for me, for ruining everything and what should be a happy and exciting time.

She had lots of questions, she wants to talk alone to the OW!, is this advisable? I don't see what good that would do. Why would she want to meet her? I don't think it's a good idea, but I can't stand in her way if that's what she wants. 

Worst thing for her was the length of the affair and the fact that it was still going on when we found out we were having a baby. She knew something was wrong, buy this has shocked her. Ive asked for forgiveness, told her I made a mistake, and that I'm committed to her and our family. That I will do anything to save our marriage. 

She's totally exposed me to everyone, friends family ect, I thought she would have wanted to keep it private, I don't think this helps. She says she wants a divorce and that I won't be seeing our baby, ihope that was just her anger talking. I hope we can work this out. 

Everyone knows now, my mother is disgusted with me, my wife and her are close, she can't believe I've done this. I think I need to get out for a while, give her space.


----------



## waiwera

Stay strong MR.

I feel for you.


----------



## andy53

This is the start of hell for you. I'm going through it so listen up. Move out to somewhere perminently. Rent something. Don't apologies just tell her you will leave her alone to heal from the pain you caused, admit total guilt, no excuses. That's the easy bit. Now no contact AT ALL this is very important. Whatever she asks for do it. Cut all ties with the OW. I MEAN EVERTHING no matter what. I suggest you don't let her see the OW. you don't know what will be said as this happened to me. It's much worse doing that. Just get out and expect anything from 4 to 12 months before you get improvent. Remember if she has questions then be honest. REMEMBER as far as your concerned your trash and she won't believe anything you say now or maybe ever. It's a tightrope now and you have no choice. I told you not to tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan

andy53 said:


> This is the start of hell for you. I'm going through it so listen up. Move out to somewhere perminently. Rent something. Don't apologies just tell her you will leave her alone to heal from the pain you caused, admit total guilt, no excuses. That's the easy bit. Now no contact AT ALL this is very important. Whatever she asks for do it. Cut all ties with the OW. I MEAN EVERTHING no matter what. I suggest you don't let her see the OW. you don't know what will be said as this happened to me. It's much worse doing that. Just get out and expect anything from 4 to 12 months before you get improvent. Remember if she has questions then be honest. REMEMBER as far as your concerned your trash and she won't believe anything you say now or maybe ever. It's a tightrope now and you have no choice. I told you not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is one thing in this post that agree with, and that is, that your marriage is now on your wife's terms. Ask her what she needs from you and then just do it.

As for the rest of the above post. You did the right thing in telling her and to respect her free choice if she wants to live with a cheating spouse. As a betrayed spouse I respect that very much!

Noe it's up to you to stand up and just take whatever comes your way, it was your own choice to cheat, remember. And I sense that you will do that. One foot after the other. Your life will go on, different than you thought it would, but it will go on.

Let her talk with OW if that's what she wants, it's not for you to decide on her behalf. OMW did the same with my WS after D-day, to face the devil, mark territory and to send a message, I guess. And no, you don't know what they will be talking about, and why would you even care - your job is to be honest and open about everything.

Move out if your wife ask you to, or you could ask her if that's what she wants. Company should be available for her during pregnancy, whether you or someone else, let her choose.

I wish you the best.


----------



## andy53

Cpacan you are right I was just trying to save her the pain until after the birth. I guess he now must face it, he did it like i did and he must cop everything no matter what it is. It's the only way to try and put things right. And even then he may lose her, bottom line is she should know every little detail she wants and that's it, she deserves that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Writer

Mr.not.so.right said:


> So I have told her, came back last night and spilled my guts to her. I'm sure it won't come as much of a surprise to you that she didn't take it well. Lots of crying and screaming. Worst of all was just the total look of disgust she had for me, for ruining everything and what should be a happy and exciting time.


I commend you for telling her the truth. It took a lot of guts, and there are WS who do not. I can imagine what she is feeling. Be gentle with her and remember that you just dealt her a terrible blow and she is now on an emotional roller coaster.



> She had lots of questions, she wants to talk alone to the OW!, is this advisable? I don't see what good that would do. Why would she want to meet her? I don't think it's a good idea, but I can't stand in her way if that's what she wants.


I'm sure that she has many questions. Answer what she wants to know truthfully. Do not make the mistake and trickle-truth her or minimize the truth to save her pain. It is far worse in the long run. With each revelations, there will be another d-day, and the healing that the BS and the marriage (if she R's) starts over.

If she wants to talk to the OW, then I would allow her to. You have nothing to hide since you told her the truth. If need be, show her proof of texts (if there was any), create a time-line (if she asks for it). Remember. You are done with the OW. You have NC in place. NC is for life. Do not concern yourself over her.



> Worst thing for her was the length of the affair and the fact that it was still going on when we found out we were having a baby. She knew something was wrong, buy this has shocked her.* Ive asked for forgiveness, told her I made a mistake, and that I'm committed to her and our family. That I will do anything to save our marriage.*


I wouldn't call it a mistake, but that is just me. When my husband called his EA a mistake, I resented him more. A mistake implies you just fell into it. I would call it a bad choice. 

I am glad that you told her that you are committed to the family and her. Remember, say true to your words. You show remorse through actions and not speech. You will do anything to save your marriage, and that is just what you do.



> She's totally exposed me to everyone, friends family ect, I thought she would have wanted to keep it private, I don't think this helps. She says she wants a divorce and that I won't be seeing our baby, ihope that was just her anger talking. I hope we can work this out.


It is too early for her to decide on divorce. However, cheating to some is a deal breaker. Some can't overcome it in their marriage. For those, divorce is the only option to be happy. 

You just told her so she is on a coaster of emotions. There will be days where she will hate you and what you done. There will be days that she will love you. That is the nature of the aftermath of an affair. 

However, you need to be the man and be there for your baby in the long term. I'm sure in the short-term others will advice you.



> Everyone knows now, my mother is disgusted with me, my wife and her are close, she can't believe I've done this. I think I need to get out for a while, give her space.


Exposure is the consequences of your affair. While I am sure that your mother is disgusted with you, in the long run, you will know not to look outside of a committed relationship to get your needs met either in this marriage or a future relationship.

If she asks you to leave, you leave. You do whatever she wants you to do. She is the betrayed. 

Good work. You are on your way of healing the marriage and yourself.


----------



## gemjo

I don't suppose there is a right time to expose an affair to you spouse. But you have done it, and now for the fall out.

I recently found out my, otherwise, wonderful loving husband 'attempted' to cheat on me, but fortunately he couldn't go through with it....however He did try, and i am still devastated and feel like he's done the worst thing imaginable to our marriage.

I didn't throw him out, but I did expect honest replies to me many questions, complete transparency is every aspect of his life.

I know the OW left his place of work within weeks of what they did, so at least I know there was no further contact.

It has been a year next week since I found out and mostly we are working through issues, he answers my questions, honestly, I hope and doesn't expect me to be healed for a very long time if ever.

So my advice to you is to stay at home unless your wife actually asks you to leave.
Plead and beg for forgiveness and talk, talk and talk until she has every last bit of gory detail she needs.

I did track down the OW and emailed her and it helped a lot, so if she wants to see other woman let her. Let her do whatever it takes to get her through this terrible time.

I felt like someone very close to me had died, I had to stay off work for a week just to recover the immediate shock. It actually made me physically I'll.

Don't give up on your wife even if initially she wants you out of her life.....stay constant and give her everything she asks for, even if you feel it will make things worse......it can't.....only complete honesty and repentance can save you now.

Good luck


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

She hasn't thrown me out...yet. She dosnt want me anywhere near her at the moment though. Shes extremely upset right now. She is adamant she wants to meet the OW, not even just talk to her on the phone or something. Its just a disaster the whole thing. All my doing. Her meeting the OW is a big worry, I don't think that would be healthy for her.


----------



## cpacan

Mr.not.so.right said:


> She hasn't thrown me out...yet. She dosnt want me anywhere near her at the moment though. Shes extremely upset right now. She is adamant she wants to meet the OW, not even just talk to her on the phone or something. Its just a disaster the whole thing. All my doing. Her meeting the OW is a big worry, I don't think that would be healthy for her.


Closure is healthy, meating OW is closure.
Do you have any other reasons to fear her talking to OW?


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> She hasn't thrown me out...yet. She dosnt want me anywhere near her at the moment though. Shes extremely upset right now. She is adamant she wants to meet the OW, not even just talk to her on the phone or something. Its just a disaster the whole thing. All my doing. Her meeting the OW is a big worry, I don't think that would be healthy for her.


She's on a roller coaster. I initially threw my STBEH than tried to reconcile. 

It was going good and I was willing to forgive but then six months later I found he was still talking to the OW.

Please stay away from this women. Do not ever talk to her. If you spent money on her make it up to your wife some way. 

That was a big sticking point for me. I was being cautious with our money and he was spending what I save on the OW. It was so insulting and hurtful. 

Don't move out, either, you can show more remorse in person than moved out and she will be suspicious of you being with the OW if you move out. 

I do think it was wrong to expose this early. I wish she hadn't but exposure would have been an eventuality in order for her to move on.

One sticking point for me was I had not exposed to friends and family and they kept telling me what a nice guy he was at every social function. 

It made me so angry, and stuffing that anger was worse. 

I was alerted by anonymous letters to the affair and to the subsequent meetings and other misbehaviors he engaged in. 

The fact that you confessed is a very good sign.

If you two do MC the counselor will likely mention that.

My STBEH lied for eight hours before finally coming clean after I told him I knew he was having an affair. 

He only confessed when I told him of times dates, photographs and other details he could not deny.

Also, yes, let her talk to OW otherwise she will think you are protecting her or still hiding an ongoing affair. 

You need to show your wife is your main concern now and if that means throwing the OW under the bus, you must do it.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

cpacan said:


> Closure is healthy, meating OW is closure.
> Do you have any other reasons to fear her talking to OW?


I just don't want her getting more upset than she already is, she dosnt need anymore stress than this.


----------



## Almostrecovered

keeping her from doing what she feels she wants to think things through will be just as stressful

it is a bad spot because

1) you don't know if your OW will tell the truth and it is likely she will minimize her involvement or even lie and even assess the blame on you- the truth is that it is an equal fault
2) your wife may get violent, perhaps having a level headed friend of hers go along would be best


----------



## lisab0105

If she wants to meet her...don't stand in her way. The OW has as much to answer for as you do. She pursued a married man. 

Your wife wants to see with her own two eyes the woman you threw everything away for. If she is prettier than your wife, it will crush her. She is going to spend the rest of your marriage comparing herself to this other woman. She is going to think YOU are comparing her to the OW every time you are intimate (when that time comes). 

It is too bad people who cheat don't think about the long term consequences for the betrayed spouse. You made your wife share her husband with another woman. You have changed her life for the worse. 

Make sure you tell her you regret everything about this other woman. That if you could take it all back you would. Don't do anything that would make your wife think you are protecting this OW in the least.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> keeping her from doing what she feels she wants to think things through will be just as stressful
> 
> it is a bad spot because
> 
> 1) you don't know if your OW will tell the truth and it is likely she will minimize her involvement or even lie and even assess the blame on you- the truth is that it is an equal fault
> 2) your wife may get violent, perhaps having a level headed friend of hers go along would be best


She's not a violent person at all, I wouldn't be worried about that. I'm more worried what it will do emotionally to her. But if it's what she wants, then I have to support her. 

In regards to the OW, I don't know how she will react to what will be an awkward situation for her as well, but I guess she knew this might happen on day, she knew I was married.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I still think you should ask your wife to bring a friend for support or to at least do the driving


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

lisab0105 said:


> If she wants to meet her...don't stand in her way. The OW has as much to answer for as you do. She pursued a married man.
> 
> Your wife wants to see with her own two eyes the woman you threw everything away for. If she is prettier than your wife, it will crush her. She is going to spend the rest of your marriage comparing herself to this other woman. She is going to think YOU are comparing her to the OW every time you are intimate (when that time comes).
> 
> It is too bad people who cheat don't think about the long term consequences for the betrayed spouse. You made your wife share her husband with another woman. You have changed her life for the worse.
> 
> 
> Make sure you tell her you regret everything about this other woman. That if you could take it all back you would. Don't do anything that would make your wife think you are protecting this OW in the least.



That's another worry as well, I don't want her comparing herself to the OW. I just don't think meeting her will do any good.


----------



## cpacan

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I just don't want her getting more upset than she already is, she dosnt need anymore stress than this.


I have been in your wife's shoes (except for the pregnancy obviously), and I can tell you that there was one thing in particular that could send me to the roof, namely her telling me that the reasons she lied to me was that she didn't wan't to hurt me anymore....

I would say that a pretty normal response to this is, "You should have had my interests in mind when you decided to cheat, it's a bit late for that now. So stop pretending that you know what I need to cope with this!"

This could be her thoughts if you resist her meeting OW.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> I still think you should ask your wife to bring a friend for support or to at least do the driving


That would be for the best for sure, but I guess it's up to her how she wants to do it.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That would be for the best for sure, but I guess it's up to her how she wants to do it.


of course


and another word of warning to you
last night a poster here that is going thru R had found out about some things that his wife (also a poster here) had lied about- this is called trickle truth, it can be done by lying or omitting facts 

IT IS EXTREMELY HARMFUL TO R

I know you don't know where your wife will head in regards to R or D but you need to tell all of the truth and have it be 100% true. Let it all out and let her know everything that she wishes to know and more. It is her decision to do what she will with those facts. And if a new truth comes out down the line after she decides to R, it will destroy any new trust rebuilt and make it damn impossible to restart R and building trust. It can't be much worse than it is now so get it all on the table now.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> In regards to the OW, I don't know how she will react to what will be an awkward situation for her as well, but I guess she knew this might happen on day, she knew I was married.


You really need to stop worrying or caring about the other woman......like now. 

She knew she was dating a married man. You owe nothing to this woman. If you show her any empathy your wife will become enraged. 

My STBEH also initially tried to protect the OW and that was hurtful to me. 

This woman is old enough to know what she was doing was wrong and it might end badly.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> of course
> 
> 
> and another word of warning to you
> last night a poster here that is going thru R had found out about some things that his wife (also a poster here) had lied about- this is called trickle truth, it can be done by lying or omitting facts
> 
> IT IS EXTREMELY HARMFUL TO R
> 
> I know you don't know where your wife will head in regards to R or D but you need to tell all of the truth and have it be 100% true. Let it all out and let her know everything that she wishes to know and more. It is her decision to do what she will with those facts. And if a new truth comes out down the line after she decides to R, it will destroy any new trust rebuilt and make it damn impossible to restart R and building trust. It can't be much worse than it is now so get it all on the table now.



I think ive been honest with her, I havnt left anything major out that I know of.


----------



## Sara8

lisab0105 said:


> Make sure you tell her you regret everything about this other woman. That if you could take it all back you would. Don't do anything that would make your wife think you are protecting this OW in the least.


Good point. Do not ever say anything nice about the OW to your wife or anyone else. 

Please do not say she was pretty or she was nice or fun, please refrain from that. It will only damage your wife more. 

As it is now, going forward she will always wonder if you are thinking of her when you make love.

It's wound that will take time to heal. 

Don't break open that wound by saying anything nice about OW.

Whether you mean it or not, tell her you are ashamed of your behavior, regret meeting her, realize that she was not a nice person to go after a married man, etc.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> You really need to stop worrying or caring about the other woman......like now.
> 
> She knew she was dating a married man. You owe nothing to this woman. If you show her any empathy your wife will become enraged.
> 
> My STBEH also initially tried to protect the OW and that was hurtful to me.
> 
> This woman is old enough to know what she was doing was wrong and it might end badly.


I understand what you are saying, its so awkward because I have to work with OW, quite closely as well. I know this is unattainable but for now thats the way it is until I can find something else.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I understand what you are saying, its so awkward because I have to work with OW, quite closely as well. I know this is unattainable but for now thats the way it is until I can find something else.


Explain this to your wife and start looking elsewhere. 

As you mentioned try to get transferred to a different department. 

You sound like a remorseful spouse. If my STBEH was talking the way you are and had behaved, I would not be filing. 

I would be forever hurt, but we could have survived one affair.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> Good point. Do not ever say anything nice about the OW to your wife or anyone else.
> 
> Please do not say she was pretty or she was nice or fun, please refrain from that. It will only damage your wife more.
> 
> As it is now, going forward she will always wonder if you are thinking of her when you make love.
> 
> It's wound that will take time to heal.
> 
> Don't break open that wound by saying anything nice about OW.
> 
> Whether you mean it or not, tell her you are ashamed of your behavior, regret meeting her, realize that she was not a nice person to go after a married man, etc.


I have told my wife that I regret everything that has happened. That its her that I want to be with, she seems fixated on the other women, wants to meet with her ect. I just hope it dosnt make things worse, the OW is very attractive, I'm just worried


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I have told my wife that I regret everything that has happened. That its her that I want to be with, she seems fixated on the other women, wants to meet with her ect. I just hope it dosnt make things worse, the OW is very attractive, I'm just worried


She needs to meet her to heal. She will be suspicious of you not allowing it. 

If the OW is more attractive than your wife, than convey to your wife that she is NOT THE TYPE OF WOMEN YOU WOULD EVER MARRIED, it was just sexual and their is and was no EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO HER.

Also do NOT SAY SHE IS ATTRACTIVE. Tell your wife she (your wife) is beautiful inside and out and that is what you want in a wife.


----------



## Samus

I can understand why she wants to meet her. She probably wants to cause a scene at your job possibly too. 

Her goal is to see and assess the OW, and yell at her for being a homewrecker (that is what she is). Your wife might become uncivilized and start screaming at her. The bottomline, there is no good end result for her to meet the OW, but if she wants to, its her choice and you can't stop her. 

I would suggest you quickly start updating your resume and start looking for another job. You messed up and now you must deal with the consequences no matter how bad it is. 

I did what you did and my girl forgave me, but I had to get rid of my Mercedes ML and buy another car, I had to quit my job because she posted our chat messages on the front door. It is just embarassing, but there is hope your wife will stay with you after she gets it all out and make you look like an absolute **** head.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> She needs to meet her to heal. She will be suspicious of you not allowing it.
> 
> If the OW is more attractive than your wife, than convey to your wife that she is NOT THE TYPE OF WOMEN YOU WOULD EVER MARRIED, it was just sexual and their is and was no EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO HER.
> 
> Also do NOT SAY SHE IS ATTRACTIVE. Tell your wife she (your wife) is beautiful inside and out and that is what you want in a wife.


I have told her these things, about wanting to stay married and she is the one I want. I just hope when she sees the OW it dosnt make everything worse


----------



## cpacan

Sara8 said:


> She needs to meet her to heal. She will be suspicious of you not allowing it.
> 
> If the OW is more attractive than your wife, than convey to your wife that she is NOT THE TYPE OF WOMEN YOU WOULD EVER MARRIED, it was just sexual and their is and was no EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO HER.
> 
> Also do NOT SAY SHE IS ATTRACTIVE. Tell your wife she (your wife) is beautiful inside and out and that is what you want in a wife.


Disagree. He shouldn't tell her this, if it's not true. Unless OP's wife is stupid, she will figure out that her husband found her attractive


----------



## Kathy Jackson

I think she has a RIGHT to know.

Yes, the truth hurts---but sometimes not knowing the truth hurts even more. 

I think that everything you have done or said in the last year will seem fake to her, and it probably was. You cannot say you love her all the while you're in someone else's bed. Love and respect go hand in hand for me. You could have left her before involving a baby in the situation. Now you seem to want to have your cake and eat it too.

It's unfair what you have done, and not telling her is even more unfair. Let HER choose how the relationship goes forward, if at all. You were willing to give her up for a piece of azz, she should be aware of how easily she can be disregarded.

Sorry to sound blunt.

Edited: disregard, I read the original post and not much of the replies. I see this has already been covered. My apologies.


----------



## alte Dame

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I'm new to these forums, I'm here for some much needed advice really. Wife and I have been married for 3 years. Both in mid twenties. My wife is 6 months pregnant.
> 
> The truth is I have been an awful husband as I have been having an affair at work for the past year. It shames me to admit this out loud. I love my wife but I'm not physically attracted to her, the affair is purely physical. I have since ended the affair as I can't continue doing this to my wife, especially as she is pregnant.
> 
> What do I do? I want to come clean, admit everything, but is it the right time with her being pregnant, I don't want to endanger our child by upsetting her at this time. I dont want to lose the chance of being a good dad. Thank you for reading, I'm desperate for advice


This is your original post. You say that you love your wife but are not physically attracted to her. Perhaps she knows this. Perhaps she has known for a while. Or maybe she has sensed it, but has tried to shove those fears down.

So it seems that you want your wife for reasons other than physical attraction (beloved roommate?), but couldn't help yourself for an entire year with another, very attractive woman. And now your wife wants to see for herself. And you're afraid that the truth about the relative 'attractiveness' will become glaringly obvious to your poor wife. But maybe she already understands the truth in some way.

And now the attractiveness metric has shifted, because your wife no longer finds you so attractive. The intimate life that should have been the secret bond between the two of you is all a lie to her now, and she can't look at you with respect and love, i.e., you're not an attractive man to her. In your own way you've leveled the field for her. So now you know what it feels like to love someone, but have that person not like an elemental part of you.

I feel tremendously for your wife (and actually a lot for you), and believe you did the right thing by telling her about your affair. She has an absolute right to know what she needs to know to make decisions about her own life. I think she's in the driver's seat now and you just have to hang on.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Time to look for a new job and get some distance between the OW and you.

Read the newbie thread , start with the hand written NC letter , read the remorse post and get your wife some support from a councillor. If your wife were here we would guide her to expose the OW to her boyfriend , parents and HR department and if she does go to a decent support site similar advice would be given.

.Don't try second guess her , once she has settled she will judge you by your actions and words . There is a tough journey ahead for both of you. Your marriage and future depends on your wife , if she decides to remain with you grab the opportunity and be the man she married .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Tell her she shouldn't forget OW knew he was married nad she was pregnant therefore she's a homewrecker of the worse class.
Suggest her to find a trusted friend in case she's determined to meet OW.


----------



## Acabado

Proceed with the transfer, forward her the emails/texts that show you are seeking it.
Offer all your passwords, offer a GPS on your phone, offer to be an open book, offer NOW a *NC letter* for her aproval, if she claims to give a sh!t about it then post it here your draft for us to edit before sending it, then forward it to your wife.
Reach out her friends/family, apologize, tell them to help her.

*Humility* is your friend.


----------



## Acabado

The Wayward basics: 
*NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty* - This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
*Communication* - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair* – This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. This is great starting place for information and advice and support. You need to become somone safe to be with even it menas protection from yourself and your weakness.
*No Destructive Behaviours *– no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Chose wisely your friendships, more, find out what real friends mean. Get rid of toxic influences.
*Stand Firm in your Commitment* – Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this


----------



## sinnister

Her meeting the OW is complete and utter mistake to compound the original one. DO NOT let this happen.

Zero good will come of it. It's not about closure for her, it's about sizing up the OW and unleashing on her. All bad things for your wife.


----------



## favoritemistake

I feel such empathy for your wife. I think she and I are kindred spirits. It is very good that you told your wife. I had to find out on my own. My husband's OW was 10 years younger and much more attractive than I. You seem quite focused on the fact that this woman's attractiveness will throw your wife over the edge. Why is this? I am curious about the dynamic of your relationship before the cheating. Did your know that you found her physically unattractive? Does she have self esteem issues? 

Anyway, my husband and I are in R. One of the majors bumps we have had so far is when I asked for the contact info. My husband resisted at first trying all sorts of manipultions to avoid giving me that info. I told him that he had a choice and that if he didn't give it to me he was sending a message that he was protecting her. He gave it to me by the end of the day. He told me he thought no good could come from me talking to her but if that is what I needed he would oblige. He said he wasn't protecting her as much as he was protecting himself. He didn't want OW tracking him down at work and making a scene. 

In the end I didn't really want to contact the other woman. I wanted the information because I didn't want any more secrets. I wanted some power. Fortunately it was a test he passed. 

The decision is yours as you know your wife better than anyone. Think hard about the choice you make, why you make it and how your wife will interpret it. 

Good luck to you


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

sinnister said:


> Her meeting the OW is complete and utter mistake to compound the original one. DO NOT let this happen.
> 
> Zero good will come of it. It's not about closure for her, it's about sizing up the OW and unleashing on her. All bad things for your wife.


I don't think it's a good idea either, but she wants to do this. I just hope we can move on from this, even though I don't deserve anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seeking sanity

You'd best stop the "moving on from this" thoughts, and focus on how to make her feel safe; give her what she needs to heal; make ammends, etc.

I can guarantee if you give any hint of "let's just move on", she'll freak and rightfully so.

If I f*cked your wife behind your back for a year, how would you feel about me? Really feel? I came to know her body, her nuances of making love, her passions and desires... Maybe she turned you down to save her passion for me. So you're stuck with this feeling of rejection and sexual inadequacy.

What goes on for you if you think that thru? That's your starting point.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

seeking sanity said:


> You'd best stop the "moving on from this" thoughts, and focus on how to make her feel safe; give her what she needs to heal; make ammends, etc.
> 
> I can guarantee if you give any hint of "let's just move on", she'll freak and rightfully so.
> 
> If I f*cked your wife behind your back for a year, how would you feel about me? Really feel? I came to know her body, her nuances of making love, her passions and desires... Maybe she turned you down to save her passion for me. So you're stuck with this feeling of rejection and sexual inadequacy.
> 
> What goes on for you if you think that thru? That's your starting point.



You make a good point. I know that I have all the making up to do. We have talked again this evening, she hasn't asked me to leave yet, but she won't look me in the eye. I can see how much she is hurting right, I just want to hold her.


----------



## KanDo

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't think it's a good idea either, but she wants to do this. I just hope we can move on from this, even though I don't deserve anything
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look, you can't make the OW meet your wife. You wife, I hope, knows this. I would give your wife her email address/telephone and let her take it from there.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

KanDo said:


> Look, you can't make the OW meet your wife. You wife, I hope, knows this. I would give your wife her email address/telephone and let her take it from there.


Exactly, thats what I will do, I hope that she is ok with that. I don't want her stressing out anymore, which a face to face meeting would cause.


----------



## peacefully

If your wife wants to meet the OW, that is up to her. Right now the ball is completely in her court. You have demolished her self esteem at the most vulnerable time in her life. The storm has not even hit ground yet my friend- so prepare yourself.

I hear you say you don't want to her to be hurt by meeting the OW? Too late. She is hurt. The damage is done- trying to mitigate the damage at this point is selfish. Your job right now isn't to try to make her less angry or upset- that would be disrespectful and condescending. Let her be what ever or where ever she needs to be right now. 

You were clear that you don't find your wife attractive- and you made choices around that- at this point you are paying for your choice.

My situation was similar- my EX did pretty much the exact same thing as you- the fall out for me was horrific. I was betrayed and then found out that this man I loved and was good, kind and honest to was telling people that he found me unattractive. In retrospect I see this as a disgusting move on his part to justify his behavior, but at the time it gutted me to the point I was suicidal and felt completely worthless as a woman. 
There is no easy fix or band-aid to this. Tell the truth, own your part, take it like a man.


----------



## Acabado

> I just want to hold her.


 If she lets you DO IT.


----------



## Acabado

Release her from chorus, make her dinner, maker her tea.
Be aviable, swallow her venom, just suck it up.


----------



## Coffee Amore

I've noticed you don't answer any of the questions posed to you by other posters regarding the statement in your original post that you don't find your wife physically attractive. It's up to you of course which poster you respond to, but more than a few have asked you if your wife knows you're not physically attracted to her. Does she? What exactly is the dynamic in your relationship before the cheating? And if you don't find your spouse attractive, how will you prevent cheating in the future assuming she chooses to reconcile? What happens when you come across another very attractive woman in another work setting or somewhere else where you spend a lot of time?


----------



## alte Dame

Coffee Amore said:


> I've noticed you don't answer any of the questions posed to you by other posters regarding the statement in your original post that you don't find your wife physically attractive. It's up to you of course which poster you respond to, but more than a few have asked you if your wife knows you're not physically attracted to her. Does she? What exactly is the dynamic in your relationship before the cheating? And if you don't find your spouse attractive, how will you prevent cheating in the future assuming she chooses to reconcile? What happens when you come across another very attractive woman in another work setting or somewhere else where you spend a lot of time?


And....if your wife has never known for certain that you are not attracted to her and only now comes to understand this, would she have any reason to want to reconcile? Since sexual desire is so fundamental to a good marriage, as well as so important to self-image, self-confidence, and general well-being, would any healthy woman want a husband who doesn't desire her?

I believe that she has a right to have this information so that she can make her own decisions about her future. I also surmise that Mr.nsr is terrified that he may have to come clean about this with her if she meets the OW and sees how attractive she is. And if she realizes his feelings about her own attractiveness, she will scuttle any chances of R - an outcome he is desperate to prevent.

And this all then begs the question - Why does Mr.nsr want a wife that he says he is not physically attracted to? This is not really a wife; it's a housekeeper/nanny/best friend, etc. But not a wife.

Clearly this is all conjecture. If the poster answered the queries, it would be much easier to respond.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Coffee Amore said:


> I've noticed you don't answer any of the questions posed to you by other posters regarding the statement in your original post that you don't find your wife physically attractive. It's up to you of course which poster you respond to, but more than a few have asked you if your wife knows you're not physically attracted to her. Does she? What exactly is the dynamic in your relationship before the cheating? And if you don't find your spouse attractive, how will you prevent cheating in the future assuming she chooses to reconcile? What happens when you come across another very attractive woman in another work setting or somewhere else where you spend a lot of time?


To be honest I wish I hadn't said that. She has always been overweight since ive known her, but I was attracted to her as a person, I believe that is enough. I always said that we have always had a good sex life, I don't view this issue as a problem in the marriage, I know that sounds like bs considering whats happened. 

I didn't have any reason or excuse to cheat, because my wife makes me happy, which makes the cheating even worse. I was weak, foolish, still growing as an adult. I regret everything about the affair.


----------



## alte Dame

Mr.not.so.right said:


> To be honest I was I hadn't said that. She has always been overweight since ive known her, but I was attracted to her as a person, I believe that is enough. I always said that we have always had a sex life, I don't view this issue as a problem in the marriage, I know that sounds like bs considering whats happened.
> 
> I didn't have any reason or excuse to cheat, because my wife makes me happy, which makes the cheating even worse. I was weak, foolish, still growing as an adult. I regret everything about the affair.


i agree that this isn't a reason to cheat, but think about it. Do you think your wife knows that you are "attracted to her as a person" and that you "believe that is enough"? You may think that posters like myself are somehow missing the point. But this is ridiculously important. It sounds like you made a decision, for yourself, to marry someone whom you admire and love, but don't really desire. Did she ever know this was part of the package? If not, she's been operating under a hurtful delusion & now comes face to face with the truth in the painful reality of your affair.

My own painful point, from the female perspective, is that this info could easily be a tipping point for her regarding R. I know I would never willingly stay married to a man who obviously didn't desire me. It's humiliating and ego-crushing. And why do you want to be married to her if this element is missing?

You seem genuine and your feelings sound tender, but coming clean now for the sake of her feelings and a chance at R should mean coming completely clean with her and yourself.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> i agree that this isn't a reason to cheat, but think about it. Do you think your wife knows that you are "attracted to her as a person" and that you "believe that is enough"? You may think that posters like myself are somehow missing the point. But this is ridiculously important. It sounds like you made a decision, for yourself, to marry someone whom you admire and love, but don't really desire. Did she ever know this was part of the package? If not, she's been operating under a hurtful delusion & now comes face to face with the truth in the painful reality of your affair.
> 
> My own painful point, from the female perspective, is that this info could easily be a tipping point for her regarding R. I know I would never willingly stay married to a man who obviously didn't desire me. It's humiliating and ego-crushing. And why do you want to be married to her if this element is missing?
> 
> You seem genuine and your feelings sound tender, but coming clean now for the sake of her feelings and a chance at R should mean coming completely clean with her and yourself.



It's complicated, because I do desire her, I do love her, I don't think it's the reason I cheated. And I don't think it's a problem in our relationship. I probably havnt made myself that clear on this topic to be honest. I think most people would agree that being overweight affects how attractive you are physically, in a negative way. It's not like I think she is some ugly monster, far from it.


----------



## alte Dame

OK. So is it fair to say that you are basically attracted to her, but that the weight can be a turnoff? If that's true, you have something to work with. Believe me, if she sees the other woman and think she compares very unfavorably, this will become a big issue for her in considering R & you will have to have an honest answer for her that she will be able to live with in the long run.


----------



## favoritemistake

It's good to know that you are attracted to your wife and you value all of the things about her not just her physical appearance. 

I am still curious why you think that the OW's attractiveness is such a huge deal then. I am not trying to badger but I think given what you've said the OW's attractiveness/unattractiveness should have a small to no impact on your wife in the scheme of things.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Ive caused so much pain. I hate myself right now. My wife deserves so much more. I'm going to leave. I'm not fit to be a husband right now. I can't look her in the eye, the guilt is eating me up.


----------



## alte Dame

Has she told you that she wants you to leave?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> Has she told you that she wants you to leave?


No, but I can't do this anymore. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I went out and drunk myself into a stupor tonight. I can't deal with these feelings. I just want to punish myself.


----------



## alte Dame

You think you're thinking about her welfare, but maybe she needs you to stick now. If you leave, you'll be leaving her when she's at her lowest point. Shouldn't you do what she needs? Try to stop thinking about what you can live with & find out what she requires right now.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Mr.not.so.right said:


> No, but I can't do this anymore. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I went out and drunk myself into a stupor tonight. I can't deal with these feelings. I just want to punish myself.


Stop having a pity party for yourself.

If you feel this bad, how bad do you think your wife feels?

And you caused it. Focus on her. You're still focusing waaay too much on yourself and your feelings. That's what got you into this mess in the first place. Try putting your wife first. And if you want the marriage, act like it. You're not showing that you want the marriage.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Thanks for the advice guys, I need it more than ever now. I know I'm being selfish. But I don't deserve her, i dont deserve to have a wife like her. She is better off without me.


----------



## Torrivien

Dude, I don't know what to tell you.
If you really feel guilty about what you've done, be there for her and asker her what she wants you to do.

You're still caught up in what Coffee brilliantly described as a pity party. I'm even starting to believe that you like feeling this kind of guilt. Almost as if it makes you think you're paying your due for what you've done.

Either realize that you love her and still be with her and ask her what she needs you to do right now, or realize that you don't love her anymore and let her start on working of putting the pieces back together.

You're talking about your feelings for her in the past tense, so take the freaking hint already.


----------



## Complexity

You'll do more harm than good by leaving. With the pregnancy hormones, she'll just go insane wondering why her husband just abandoned her and will arouse more suspicion.


----------



## alte Dame

Maybe she is. But if you want your marriage, you have to let her decide on her own course. After what you've done, you can't expect a resolution in a day's time.

I absolutely believe you did the right thing by telling her the truth. Now you have to care about her enough to deal with the consequences.


----------



## lisab0105

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thanks for the advice guys, I need it more than ever now. I know I'm being selfish. But I don't deserve her, indent deserve to have a wife like her. She is better off without me.


Dude, if you walk out that door she is going to think it's to be with the other woman. Fight for your wife! Until she throws your crap on the sidewalk, plant your @ss on the couch and get comfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Writer

If she didn't ask you to leave, you stay. Do not abandon her. She is pregnant, and she will reflect upon that.

I can understand that you feel guilty. This is part of the aftermath of an affair. You do what the BS needs you to do. There is no compromise to that.


----------



## alte Dame

lisab0105 said:


> Dude, if you walk out that door she is going to think it's to be with the other woman. Fight for your wife! Until she throws your crap on the sidewalk, plant your @ss on the couch and get comfortable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Thank you, this is a great site. Truth is, I can't live with this guilt. I just think I'm no good. Everyone we know is disgusted with me. How do I even begin to make things right? Why dosnt she just throw me out where I belong?


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Pitying yourself is so unattractive. Stop it. Your wife does not need someone better, she needs YOU to become better. Get a new job, you need NC. How seriously do you take your love for your wife and how hardcore is your dedication to your marriage after the fact? Work some where else, ask for a transfer to a diff dept, apply elsewhere. Become transparent, your wife is hurt, your marriage is hurt, there will be scars. Realize you must always expect to be reminded of this waywardness. Even if you are forgiven you will be an ex cheater, stigmatized just like an ex convict. Start improving yourself, be romantic, be truthful, be sweet, dont argue against her rage/sadness/confusing moments. ALWAYS think before you speak!!!!!!!

I repeat, get a new job, limit female coworker contact, no outside work contact, smoke signals, morse codes, FB etc, youre not single, you cant live your own life, you must live and work for your wife and family until deah do you part. Work hard
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vanguard

The people who think it would be helpful or even moral to wait on telling her make me laugh.


----------



## Vanguard

Mr.not.so.right said:


> No, but I can't do this anymore. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I went out and drunk myself into a stupor tonight. I can't deal with these feelings. I just want to punish myself.


You don't leave until she tells you to. 

You don't do ANYthing until she tells you to. 

And the second she tells you to do something you do it. Suck her toes. Carry her to bed. Sing her lullaby songs before she goes to sleep. 

You have wronged her, and the answer is not to desert her. Give her the choice. Give her the power to make the decision. If you really think you deserve to be punished, then accept whatever it is she demands of you. 

There is nothing you can do to change who you are: you are a cheater, because you've decided that's what you would be. But you can also be a man and face the consequences of cheating. 

And in doing so you may bring this tragedy into a wonderful story of love eclipsing betrayal. 

Morning light may yet burst bright.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Pitying yourself is so unattractive. Stop it. Your wife does not need someone better, she needs YOU to become better. Get a new job, you need NC. How seriously do you take your love for your wife and how hardcore is your dedication to your marriage after the fact? Work some where else, ask for a transfer to a diff dept, apply elsewhere. Become transparent, your wife is hurt, your marriage is hurt, there will be scars. Realize you must always expect to be reminded of this waywardness. Even if you are forgiven you will be an ex cheater, stigmatized just like an ex convict. Start improving yourself, be romantic, be truthful, be sweet, dont argue against her rage/sadness/confusing moments. ALWAYS think before you speak!!!!!!!
> 
> I repeat, get a new job, limit female coworker contact, no outside work contact, smoke signals, morse codes, FB etc, youre not single, you cant live your own life, you must live and work for your wife and family until deah do you part. Work hard
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're right, shouldn't be pitying myself at all. A moment of weakness. I need to take whats coming to me. Whatever happens I'm going to be a dad and I have to grow up. 

I'm looking into moving departments, I just work too closely with OW where I am now. It can't work


----------



## Miss Taken

I’ve been reading this thread but haven’t chimed in until now. It’s been very painful to read but interesting seeing the other side because I am going through this as the pregnant BS. 



Mr.not.so.right said:


> I’ve caused so much pain. I hate myself right now. My wife deserves so much more. I'm going to leave. I'm not fit to be a husband right now. I can't look her in the eye, the guilt is eating me up.


Leave that decision as to whether you will live in the house right now, up to your wife. I can very much relate to your wife because I am currently 38 ½ weeks pregnant with our second child. Unlike you, my husband (common-law), did not confess (I discovered and confronted) or act remorseful once confronted. He acted guilty instead (there is a difference) and this made a huge difference for me in terms of emotional impact and is also a big part of the reason he is out of the house. However, if he had left on his own, I would have felt absolutely abandoned on top of betrayed so it is crucial that you let your wife decide.



Mr.not.so.right said:


> No, but I can't do this anymore. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I went out and drunk myself into a stupor tonight. I can't deal with these feelings. I just want to punish myself.


Okay, stop. I do believe you are in emotional pain and turmoil over this BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, right now, it is about your wife. Going off to get drunk because you feel bad is not helpful to you or her right now. Pitying yourself is also not helping the situation. You cheated and you feel bad (in all likelihood your wife feels worse) so right now you need to eat it and face this.

Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20, if only you’d shown this much care and concern before making these horrible choices...


----------



## alte Dame

Mr. N,

You're reacting to things on impulse. You gave in to an impulse to be with another woman, and kept it going for a year. You have an impulse to hang your head in shame and berate yourself, and now, we all see, you can't seem to help indulging it. 

Your one considered act in this mess is that you confessed to your wife. This was good. She has a right to know. Period.

You can't undo what you did with your A. You simply have to accept that you will never be the 'good' guy again. You have to start accepting that she may not want you as a husband anymore. If statistics are relevant, there's definitely a chance of R. But no matter what, you are going to have to start living with your feelings of shame. A lot of shame. But you decided, not on impulse, but in a very deliberate way, to man up and tell your wife. This was an act of courage after many acts of cravenness. Now you have to see it through. Accept the shame, give your wife whatever she needs & stop thinking about yourself.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> Mr. N,
> 
> You're reacting to things on impulse. You gave in to an impulse to be with another woman, and kept it going for a year. You have an impulse to hang your head in shame and berate yourself, and now, we all see, you can't seem to help indulging it.
> 
> Your one considered act in this mess is that you confessed to your wife. This was good. She has a right to know. Period.
> 
> You can't undo what you did with your A. You simply have to accept that you will never be the 'good' guy again. You have to start accepting that she may not want you as a husband anymore. If statistics are relevant, there's definitely a chance of R. But no matter what, you are going to have to start living with your feelings of shame. A lot of shame. But you decided, not on impulse, but in a very deliberate way, to man up and tell your wife. This was an act of courage after many acts of cravenness. Now you have to see it through. Accept the shame, give your wife whatever she needs & stop thinking about yourself.


Agreed, I need to be stronger now. Its just been a rough few days and I let it get to be. I have given my wife the OW contact details, I guess its up to her what to do that now, I have to support and care for her now, not any body else


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

My wife has phoned the OW, I didn't think she would go through with it. I don't know what they talked about. She still hasn't thrown me out yet. Ive asked what was said but she wouldn't tell me


----------



## Writer

"...did you confess your feelings to her or she to you?" That was one of the things that I asked the OW on skype after I told her off. Of course, the OW denied any relationship.

I wouldn't worry to much about her speaking to the OW. Just continue to be there for her. Do what she wants you to do.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Writer said:


> "...did you confess your feelings to her or she to you?" That was one of the things that I asked the OW on skype after I told her off. Of course, the OW denied any relationship.
> 
> I wouldn't worry to much about her speaking to the OW. Just continue to be there for her. Do what she wants you to do.



Just worried about what they talked about. I hope she decides she wants to try and work things out. She's being really cold with me (understandable) she just answers me in one word replies. 

I hope she can somehow forgive me, I love her so much. As it stands she won't let me anywhere near her, been in the spare room since I told her.


----------



## WhereAmI

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Just worried about what they talked about. I hope she decides she wants to try and work things out. She's being really cold with me (understandable) she just answers me in one word replies.


You left her out of your relationship with OW. You can deal with not being involved in their relationship. Besides, if you nag she'll likely assume you're hiding something that OW could reveal or you miss the OW. Let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Writer

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Just worried about what they talked about. I hope she decides she wants to try and work things out. She's being really cold with me (understandable) she just answers me in one word replies.
> 
> I hope she can somehow forgive me, I love her so much. As it stands she won't let me anywhere near her, been in the spare room since I told her.


I can understand that you are worried. However, the truth is that you had a 1 year relationship with the OW. You didn't worry about how she felt while you were scratching your itch so don't be surprised that she doesn't include you now. 

Also, if you told her everything that she asked, you shouldn't have to worry about what they talked about. If she asks you anything, you answer truthfully.

You just told her a little bit ago. It is still new to her; the hurt, raw. Let her deal with her emotions with the OW and you. 

Some can forgive; others, can't. It is really too early to tell with your wife. Give her time. Let go what they talked about.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I have been truthful with her, I have learned my lesson, I won't keep anything from her again. If she does decide to give me a second chance I need to treat her the way she deserves


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I can't get her to talk to me, Just the silent treatment.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Jonesey said:


> And you expected what?:scratchhead:
> 
> Count your self luck that your still in the house..
> She is as SHOCKED mode you can be in right now..


I know, it's tough seeing what I have done, seeing how much I have hurt her. I just want to be here for her. I'm so glad she hasn't thrown me out, though if she needs space to think I would.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I know, it's tough seeing what I have done, seeing how much I have hurt her. I just want to be here for her. I'm so glad she hasn't thrown me out, though if she needs space to think I would.


What are you doing to improve yourself and show her that you want to fix your issues?

Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you should be getting yourself into therapy to discover why you would discard your marriage and your wife for some strange, learn about proper boundaries in marriage, and learn how to be the man you want to be.


----------



## Acabado

Did you send the NC letter, did you showed it to your wife before sending it?
Did you wrote down your passwords and gave to her?
Are you reading some book about the subject?
Is she asking details about your affiar? Are you offering it?

Why don't you tell her yo get support and advice online (I'd keep TAA for me but there are more sites, such survivingInfidelity and alike).

Ask her what you can do for her?


----------



## gemjo

what did they talk about?

Providing you told your wife the truth, there is nothing you can do about 'what they spoke about' problem would be if your wife feels you haven't been honest in your confession.

My husband wasn't honest initially, he called it damage limitation, he didn't want to lose me or break up the marriage and family so he partially confessed his 'cheat' happened when drunk after a work Christmas party. When i tracked other woman down she told me it happened right after work, stone cold sober. His continued lies just made things worse....he did confess the truth as soon as he realised i'd spoken to OW and he had no place left to hide....but none of this helps the BS. Honesty is what counts.

I asked the other woman, 'when, where, how long, how many times, who pursued who, did he flirt with her' I asked who else knew about what happened between them....i asked her to email me a photo. To be fair she was obliging, but then she was engaged and had been warned if she didn't tell me 100% truth I would be sending evidence to her man.

Its very different for me, my H 'cheated' once and stopped short at that, and never had any contact with OW after meeting her second night to tell her he wasn't interested. 

It helped me a lot though, to feel, as much as possible, that in the end i had the truth from my husband, even if forced....emailing OW helped me to accept what happened and the way it happened. Imagination can sometimes be worse than the reality, i had to ask for as much detail as I could, and they both gave it.

I'm sorry for you and especially your wife. You made the biggest mistake but have come clean....that is the start of a very long road. Its a year next week since i found out my H allowed himself to be in a cheat situation, even if he realised it wasn't for him......i'm still in a bad place. It will take your wife a long time to come to terms with what you have done to her.

I wish you both look.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Acabado said:


> Did you send the NC letter, did you showed it to your wife before sending it?
> Did you wrote down your passwords and gave to her?
> Are you reading some book about the subject?
> Is she asking details about your affiar? Are you offering it?
> 
> Why don't you tell her yo get support and advice online (I'd keep TAA for me but there are more sites, such survivingInfidelity and alike).
> 
> Ask her what you can do for her?


The whole nc thing is impossible at the minute, we literally work side by side. I have requested a move into a different department. 

I have given my wife my facebook password as she wanted to see it, she has access to my phone as well. 

I was thinking about suggesting she post on this forum, though I don't know if that would be a good idea. But there are so many good posters on here who could help her through this.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> The whole nc thing is impossible at the minute, we literally work side by side. I have requested a move into a different department.
> 
> I have given my wife my facebook password as she wanted to see it, she has access to my phone as well.
> 
> I was thinking about suggesting she post on this forum, though I don't know if that would be a good idea. But there are so many good posters on here who could help her through this.


 I wouldn't bring her on this specific forum, especially with your post consistently calling her unattractive and constantly saying how attractive your OW is. (And I hate to break it to you, but the fact your OW was willing to sleep with a married man for over a year makes her so very unattractive)


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> I wouldn't bring her on this specific forum, especially with your post consistently calling her unattractive and constantly saying how attractive your OW is. (And I hate to break it to you, but the fact your OW was willing to sleep with a married man for over a year makes her so very unattractive)


True, but in fairness I was the one who was married, she wasn't. It was me who was in the wrong.


----------



## WhereAmI

Mr.not.so.right said:


> True, but in fairness I was the one who was married, she wasn't. It was me who was in the wrong.


So sleeping with a married person is right? She was wrong and her behavior is equally disgusting. The only difference is she gets away with zero consequences and you have to clean up the mess. When the fog clears you'll see her for who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kasler

Mr.not.so.right said:


> True, but in fairness I was the one who was married, she wasn't. It was me who was in the wrong.


Nope, don't defend her, ever.

Sleeping with a person who you know is married is a sign of no character and low morals(if any) 

Theres no which way to slice it, married, separated, whatever, sleeping with a married man/woman is low.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

I don't mean to defend her. And yes she knew I was married, so she is wrong as well, but I was one with a family to leave.


----------



## DawnD

And this is why I say you're not really understanding what you have done and what you are dealing with. The other woman isn't an idiot she knew you were married and she still chose to have sex with you on a constant basis. instead of seeing her some innocent person and yourself as some horrible person you need to understand that she was fully aware that you were married and has no problem ruining another person's marriage. She willingly participated in destroying your marriage as well as coming in between you and your wife. I consider that highly unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> And this is why I say you're not really understanding what you have done and what you are dealing with. The other woman isn't an idiot she knew you were married and she still chose to have sex with you on a constant basis. instead of seeing her some innocent person and yourself as some horrible person you need to understand that she was fully aware that you were married and has no problem ruining another person's marriage. She willingly participated in destroying your marriage as well as coming in between you and your wife. I consider that highly unattractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right of course. My wife is much a better person than the OW. Thats why I married her in the first place. I hope that we can recover from this. We have talked some more today, she has many questions, I think she wants to try and work things out but she says she dosnt know if she will be able too.


----------



## Acabado

> I don't mean to defend her. And yes she knew I was married, so she is wrong as well, but I was one with a family to leave.


The reponsability is not something you can divide, not a sum zero. Everyone own his choices. If you were single but banging a married woman you would be an intruder, a homewrecker, din't you?
OW is a homewreker. No way to sugarcoat it. She likely knew your wife was pregnant. She didn't give sh1it about it, she had her own agenda. Better start taking a more realistic view. BSs, specially BWs have a strong reaction to this.
Your responsabilities doesn't erase hers. Don't minimize her role, ever. No matter how it will come across as defending her.
Better sing your lucky starts she's so angry with OW. It means she can't afford to be that angry with you, therefore she's unconsciously building some bridge to eventually forgive you. She has to, even if just because you share a family. The more hate she deflects towards OW the higher your chances, JMO.


----------



## Acabado

I'm not sure I'm doing something against TAM rules. Send her --> Here


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Acabado said:


> I'm not sure I'm doing something against TAM rules. Send her --> Here


I will suggest that to her, thank you.


----------



## gemjo

Did you love OW, did you invest emotion into the affair or was it purely physical on your part?

I ask because I'm sure your wife will ask this at some point if she hasn't already.

I personally, and think most women, find it much harder to R if it was emotional involvement / investment.

...and what was OW expecting from you in the long term...anything, nothing?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

gemjo said:


> Did you love OW, did you invest emotion into the affair or was it purely physical on your part?
> 
> I ask because I'm sure your wife will ask this at some point if she hasn't already.
> 
> I personally, and think most women, find it much harder to R if it was emotional involvement / investment.
> 
> ...and what was OW expecting from you in the long term...anything, nothing?


It was mainly physical. Although we did get on well, I never fell in love with OW. I love my wife, and I messed up big time. I'm not sure what the OW really felt. I would guess she felt the same as me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> You are right of course. My wife is much a better person than the OW. Thats why I married her in the first place. I hope that we can recover from this. We have talked some more today, she has many questions, I think she wants to try and work things out but she says she dosnt know if she will be able too.


 One of the breaking points can be when a WS holds the OW/OM in high regard. How you speak about the OW will directly affect your wife. If you speak of her as " this nice girl who just wanted to help me with my problems" you will probably be in divorce court by the end of the week. Instead, you need to realize FULLY, that instead of seeking out a companion who was available, she instead succeeded in carrying on with someone else's husband. Why wasn't she out looking for an available man? She knew you were married, and she knew you had a child on the way. Yet instead of seeking out an appropriate companion, she chose you. Why? Because she wanted to see if she could break up and family and get you. And she just might break up a family.

I understand you think you are "being a man" by accepting complete and total responsibility. BUT being a man also means coming to terms with who people are and what they are capable of. You really need to get a grip on exactly who the OW was, and what she was capable of. I can imagine that you might not even be the first marriage she interfered with. Do NOT defend, deflect, avoid, or assume responsibility for her. She made her choices, she can also deal with the fallout from her actions. YOU can deal with the fallout from yours. 

I know you feel like crap ( as you should) but if you really want to man up, you need to start showing her the man you want to be. Get help, get therapy, throw yourself into showing her that she is what you want. Stop waiting for the other shoe to fall, and start trying to get in the game. I don't know you, so I can't say for certain, but it sounds almost if you are just waiting for her to boot you out. YOU need to be doing everything you can to fix this. You broke it, you fix it. It may or may not work out, but if you just sit there waiting, it will probably fail. I am not saying to rush her, but you need to be doing anything and everything you can right now. YOU need to FIGHT to save what you tried to destroy.


----------



## gemjo

I agree totally with DawnD.

Your wife needs to know, now, more than ever you want her and only her, that you will walk to the ends of the earth to make right what you did so badly wrong. Don't sit quietly waiting for your wife to ask questions or make decisions you need to be very proactive in letting her see and hear that you mean business in saving your marriage.

I knew a girl once, and she actively seeked out this guy at work...she was single, he was happily married with a child and one on the way. She told me how she was going to work late to seduce him, she wanted him, she wanted him because she saw him as a good catch. She wanted what his wife had. I never knew what became of her because I dropped her like a stone....there are women out there just like this.

There are others who simply want what isn't theirs....your OW has a lot to answer for, never mind she wasn't the married one!

The W that went after my H knew he was married, it didn't stop her ...I just thank God he came to his senses the first time he attempted to cheat.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> One of the breaking points can be when a WS holds the OW/OM in high regard. How you speak about the OW will directly affect your wife. If you speak of her as " this nice girl who just wanted to help me with my problems" you will probably be in divorce court by the end of the week. Instead, you need to realize FULLY, that instead of seeking out a companion who was available, she instead succeeded in carrying on with someone else's husband. Why wasn't she out looking for an available man? She knew you were married, and she knew you had a child on the way. Yet instead of seeking out an appropriate companion, she chose you. Why? Because she wanted to see if she could break up and family and get you. And she just might break up a family.
> 
> I understand you think you are "being a man" by accepting complete and total responsibility. BUT being a man also means coming to terms with who people are and what they are capable of. You really need to get a grip on exactly who the OW was, and what she was capable of. I can imagine that you might not even be the first marriage she interfered with. Do NOT defend, deflect, avoid, or assume responsibility for her. She made her choices, she can also deal with the fallout from her actions. YOU can deal with the fallout from yours.
> 
> I know you feel like crap ( as you should) but if you really want to man up, you need to start showing her the man you want to be. Get help, get therapy, throw yourself into showing her that she is what you want. Stop waiting for the other shoe to fall, and start trying to get in the game. I don't know you, so I can't say for certain, but it sounds almost if you are just waiting for her to boot you out. YOU need to be doing everything you can to fix this. You broke it, you fix it. It may or may not work out, but if you just sit there waiting, it will probably fail. I am not saying to rush her, but you need to be doing anything and everything you can right now. YOU need to FIGHT to save what you tried to destroy.



Such good advice, thank you. I know that its on me to make this work. I do love her, I want to be a family so much. Shes so hurt right now, but at least we are talking. The job situation needs to be sorted, I hope they accept my request to move departments. Its a big worry, my wife understandably isn't comfortable with me working with OW.


----------



## Sara8

Acabado said:


> The reponsability is not something you can divide, not a sum zero. Everyone own his choices. If you were single but banging a married woman you would be an intruder, a homewrecker, din't you?
> OW is a homewreker. No way to sugarcoat it. She likely knew your wife was pregnant. She didn't give sh1it about it, she had her own agenda. Better start taking a more realistic view. BSs, specially BWs have a strong reaction to this.
> Your responsabilities doesn't erase hers. Don't minimize her role, ever. No matter how it will come across as defending her.
> Better sing your lucky starts she's so angry with OW. It means she can't afford to be that angry with you, therefore she's unconsciously building some bridge to eventually forgive you. She has to, even if just because you share a family. The more hate she deflects towards OW the higher your chances, JMO.


This is an excellent point. 

Please, please, please, if you want to save your marriage say NOTHING NICE ABOUT THIS OW. 

The emotional aspects of your infidelity is the hardest part for women to accept. It is such a breech of loyalty. 

My STBEH actually defended the OW claiming she was a kind and good person. 

I flew into a rage. Here is a women who neglects her four children to go out to have affairs and sex with women, and lap dances from women at men's bars. Here is a women who invited my husband to have a lap dance for christmas, here is a woman who is a serial cheater and has one nighters in bar parking lots. 

A counselor suggested that he likely said this about the OW because despite the infidelity, he wants to see himself as a kind and good person so he portrayed his affair partner as one, too.

Nevertheless, do not say anything nice. 

Also, do not protect her. 

When I asked my STBEH if he initiated the affair he said no, they both did, but the emails, texts, sexy videos of herself, and voicemails showed a different story. 

She was even initially the one who contacted him at his website under the guise of doing business and again later to suggest they go for lunch.

So please don't try to be gallant and paint yourself as the aggressor if the OW was truly the aggressor.


----------



## Grey Goose

I have been thinking about this case for a while tonight. To tell or not to tell, that is the question. I think you should really work and find out why did you have an affair and for a whole year, beyond the mean remark you have stated of not being attracted to your wife. If you were in love and decided to spend the rest of your life with her, there must have been something.

I can not tell you to do one thing or the other. What I can tell you is how i took the news of my Hs affair. I found out on my own (it was also a co-worker, i knew something was up and i am hotter than the B who decided to break her marriage and mine). My husband did not accept it until about 3 weeks after i confronted him and it took him 2 days to leave the house after i had kick him out.

How did I react? I cried non-stop for 2 weeks (i stll do 8 months afterwards, but only if something happens or special dates and we are divorcing). I did not eat a thing, cero, nothing for about 14 days (nothing but water or liquids). Afterwards I became Forrest Gump and run like 8 to 9 miles a day to stay calm and in cntrol of my mind. 

Others can tell you if this iis normal under the circumstances, but my therapist says yes. Infidelity is a very traumatic event in anyone's life, you do not know how she will react. If ou truly do not want to be a cheater look for the roit and work on it. You owe it to your baby who deserves the chance of having a committed, loving and loyal father. Think about him, cause you are not only cheating on your wife, you are also cheating on your son!


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> This is an excellent point.
> 
> Please, please, please, if you want to save your marriage say NOTHING NICE ABOUT THIS OW.
> 
> The emotional aspects of your infidelity is the hardest part for women to accept. It is such a breech of loyalty.
> 
> My STBEH actually defended the OW claiming she was a kind and good person.
> 
> I flew into a rage. Here is a women who neglects her four children to go out to have affairs and sex with women, and lap dances from women at men's bars. Here is a women who invited my husband to have a lap dance for christmas, here is a woman who is a serial cheater and has one nighters in bar parking lots.
> 
> A counselor suggested that he likely said this about the OW because despite the infidelity, he wants to see himself as a kind and good person so he portrayed his affair partner as one, too.
> 
> Nevertheless, do not say anything nice.
> 
> Also, do not protect her.
> 
> When I asked my STBEH if he initiated the affair he said no, they both did, but the emails, texts, sexy videos of herself, and voicemails showed a different story.
> 
> She was even initially the one who contacted him at his website under the guise of doing business and again later to suggest they go for lunch.
> 
> So please don't try to be gallant and paint yourself as the aggressor if the OW was truly the aggressor.


I hope my wife dosnt think ive been protecting the OW. Everything you say is true, she shouldn't have come anywhere near me, she knew my situation, but that dosnt minimise my role either. She texted me last night asking how everything was, I didn't reply. I don't know why she texted really, I told her we can't contact each other socially anymore


----------



## Grey Goose

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I agree, I think I need to tell her now, the OW is single but I'm sure some people at work must know about us, we have been discreet but I'm sure someone knows.


Believe me when I tell you everyone at your job or at leadtbsome people know and it will spread out fast. My stbeh ow was from work and even my sister in law who does not live here but does business with the company knew more than me. Ow will share with someone and you or her could have been caught on some look or anything at all.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't know why she texted really, I told her we can't contact each other socially anymore


She's fishing as we call it, she's trying to start things up again which is why NC is so damned important

I hope you showed your wife the text


----------



## Grey Goose

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Ive caused so much pain. I hate myself right now. My wife deserves so much more. I'm going to leave. I'm not fit to be a husband right now. I can't look her in the eye, the guilt is eating me up.


If you decide to leave, like my H did after I kicked him out, instead of staying, taking what you deserve and fighting for your family you may send the wrong message and your wife may think you left to be with the OW. Man up and take what you deserve!


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Almostrecovered said:


> She's fishing as we call it, she's trying to start things up again which is why NC is so damned important
> 
> I hope you showed your wife the text


I didn't show her no, I just deleted it straight away. I thought it would just set us back if she saw it.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Imagine how much it will set you back if she finds out you deleted it, now if she finds out there was a text she will assume the worst as to what it says


Start being transparent now!!


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I didn't show her no, I just deleted it straight away. I thought it would just set us back if she saw it.


Bad decision. If I found out my H was still texting with or getting texts from the girl he was cheating on me with, I would consider that another Dday, and the hurt and pain would all come rushing in with a second wave of mistrust. STOP trying to think FOR her, and let her make the decisions. You need to provide transparency, which includes going to your wife and showing her when the OW texts you. Honestly, you should have her number blocked by now.


----------



## Sara8

Almostrecovered said:


> Imagine how much it will set you back if she finds out you deleted it, now if she finds out there was a text she will assume the worst as to what it says
> 
> 
> Start being transparent now!!


I agree with this post. 

You are not trying to protect your wife, you are trying to protect yourself. 

Recover that deleted email asap and show it to her. 

If the OW calls her or they meet to talk somehow she may mention this and than the distrust will be magnified. 

You must be totally honest going forward, if you want your wife to ever trust you again.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Bad decision. If I found out my H was still texting with or getting texts from the girl he was cheating on me with, I would consider that another Dday, and the hurt and pain would all come rushing in with a second wave of mistrust. STOP trying to think FOR her, and let her make the decisions. You need to provide transparency, which includes going to your wife and showing her when the OW texts you. Honestly, you should have her number blocked by now.



I guess I just thought it would make things worse, you make a good point, I have to stop thinking I know what's best for her, I evidently don't. I know this is going to sound insane, but I cant block her number right now. My job is such that we have to be able to contact each other.I wouldn't be permitted to block her number, it's a real mess. I'm hoping I can move departments quickly.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> I agree with this post.
> 
> You are not trying to protect your wife, you are trying to protect yourself.
> 
> Recover that deleted email asap and show it to her.
> 
> If the OW calls her or they meet to talk somehow she may mention this and than the distrust will be magnified.
> 
> You must be totally honest going forward, if you want your wife to ever trust you again.


I will tell her about the text. You are right, I need to be totally open to her from now on


----------



## underwater2010

If you are truly remorseful, have ended the affair and can guarantee that you with never have an affair again....then do not tell her. She is already pregnant and dealing with a newborn and all the new emotions that come with it could really send her over the edge.

Get yourself in IC. I still do not understand how am man in the midst of an affair can selfishly get his wife pregnant. If she finds out she will have a very hard time looking at that baby without being reminded of your side adventure. I speak from experience on this.


----------



## underwater2010

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That's the thing, the guilt is killing me. I havnt slept properly in over a week, she knows something is up, but I can't put all of this on her while she is pregnant. She is actually worried about me! I can't believe I have done this to her


Tell her you are just stressed out. Do Not lay your guilt at her feet. If you think not sleeping in over a week is bad...try severe weight loss, stomach issues, headaches, uncontrollable sobbing, utter anger, suicidal thoughts and then lack of sleep. Those are the symptoms for a majority of BSs that find out. Spare her that if you can.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

underwater2010 said:


> Tell her you are just stressed out. Do Not lay your guilt at her feet. If you think not sleeping in over a week is bad...try severe weight loss, stomach issues, headaches, uncontrollable sobbing, utter anger, suicidal thoughts and then lack of sleep. Those are the symptoms for a majority of BSs that find out. Spare her that if you can.


I'm afraid that ship has sailed unfortunately


----------



## Grey Goose

andy53 said:


> This is the start of hell for you. I'm going through it so listen up. Move out to somewhere perminently. Rent something. Don't apologies just tell her you will leave her alone to heal from the pain you caused, admit total guilt, no excuses. That's the easy bit. Now no contact AT ALL this is very important. Whatever she asks for do it. Cut all ties with the OW. I MEAN EVERTHING no matter what. I suggest you don't let her see the OW. you don't know what will be said as this happened to me. It's much worse doing that. Just get out and expect anything from 4 to 12 months before you get improvent. Remember if she has questions then be honest. REMEMBER as far as your concerned your trash and she won't believe anything you say now or maybe ever. It's a tightrope now and you have no choice. I told you not to tell her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful qith the idea of moving out, she may take it the wrong way and may think you will be contacting the OW, no matter what goes on. I always thought that about my husband and they also worked together, it is pretty hard to believe that there is no communication when you are no where near to know what goes on. Consider disussing this with her or letting her know you do not want to leave her alone during this time (sleep on another room or the couch if you have to, call and report yourself frequently when at work, text her, email her, do whatever you need to let her know she is in your mind and heart and not the OW, give her access to email, mobile bank accounts). I know she may need space to heal but, at least, from my experience i would have rather seen my H fighting for me and our son - family with us and letting us know he was not going anywhere. Now we are in the process of finalizing our divorce and possible me moving to the US and he cries and talks about his guilt trip.

All the time he was out I just thought he was with her or she had an advantage over me. From my point of view, you have to show her you would move the earth if you had to for them. Even if this means you would be walking on your knees home for her to forgive you, it sounds exagerated but I needed to see something like that. Also, do remember this is more about the actions than whatever you say, so act like you care, like you mean it even if she rejects you. She is in the angry stage but there are other stages she will fall into which can be more receptive than this one, but you have got to be there! Do not forget the raging hormones she has due to her pregnancy.


----------



## Acabado

> I didn't show her no, I just deleted it straight away. I thought it would just set us back if she saw it.


You need to change totally this POV. No more damage control, potential Recociliation "management". 
Complete transparence from now on.
No text is deleted, every unwanted conversation is shared.
Be proactive, tell her OW's fishing attempt and your answer. Tell her you deleted the text out of inertia, fear and cowardice, a jerk knee reaction but you realized complete honesty and openess is the way to be.

Keep offering yourself, make her life as easier you can. Ask her how she feels phisically, offer her to call a trusted friend to assist her in case she want's you out of her sight.
When is her next doc appointment?
Keep the comunication open. Engage everytime she allows you.
Tell her once and again: *"you didn't deserve it"*.

Key words are humility, empathy, honesty, respect.

Keep hanging there. You are doing it right.


----------



## alte Dame

Rosamarie said:


> Be careful qith the idea of moving out, she may take it the wrong way and may think you will be contacting the OW, no matter what goes on. I always thought that about my husband and they also worked together, it is pretty hard to believe that there is no communication when you are no where near to know what goes on. Consider disussing this with her or letting her know you do not want to leave her alone during this time (sleep on another room or the couch if you have to, call and report yourself frequently when at work, text her, email her, do whatever you need to let her know she is in your mind and heart and not the OW, give her access to email, mobile bank accounts). I know she may need space to heal but, at least, from my experience i would have rather seen my H fighting for me and our son - family with us and letting us know he was not going anywhere. Now we are in the process of finalizing our divorce and possible me moving to the US and he cries and talks about his guilt trip.
> 
> All the time he was out I just thought he was with her or she had an advantage over me. From my point of view, you have to show her you would move the earth if you had to for them. Even if this means you would be walking on your knees home for her to forgive you, it sounds exagerated but I needed to see something like that. Also, do remember this is more about the actions than whatever you say, so act like you care, like you mean it even if she rejects you. She is in the angry stage but there are other stages she will fall into which can be more receptive than this one, but you have got to be there! Do not forget the raging hormones she has due to her pregnancy.


I think this is a very important point. Only move out if she literally kicks you out. Otherwise, she will definitely think that you are spending time with your AP.


----------



## Grey Goose

Acabado said:


> Did you send the NC letter, did you showed it to your wife before sending it?
> Did you wrote down your passwords and gave to her?
> Are you reading some book about the subject?
> Is she asking details about your affiar? Are you offering it?
> 
> Why don't you tell her yo get support and advice online (I'd keep TAA for me but there are more sites, such survivingInfidelity and alike).
> 
> Ask her what you can do for her?


Totally agree and Stan from Infidelity Survivor is great in providing supoort, I have been helped so much by him during these times!


----------



## underwater2010

Sorry I was sticking to the original message in the post. After reading further I see that you told her and are trying to work on things. As a BW here is what helped me:

When I cried he held me....even if I pushed him away.
He said sorry, over and over again. But expand on why you are sorry.
DO NOT move out unless she asks you to.
If he called while at work and I was crying he came home right away.
Besure to tell her if the OW contacts you outside of work related issues.

I am sure she told the OW to back off....now you must too. Include in the NC letter that while you will be professional in the work place you will not speak with her about your personal life. I am glad to see you put in for a transfer....in the meantime start looking for another job. Just in case the transfer does not go through. If you must drink do so at home. But do not drink in excess. Be home when you say you are going to be there. Do Not ask for guys night out. Speak of future plans about the baby and your family. Apologize to everyone of your family members and friends in front of her.

Your marriage is now about her...not you. But you should cry in front of her...it shows that you are hurting to. Let her know that you feel horrible about what you have done. Tell her you feel like scum. This not to make her feel sorry for you, but to let her know that you get the devestation you have brought to her feet. Good Luck.


----------



## Grey Goose

underwater2010 said:


> Sorry I was sticking to the original message in the post. After reading further I see that you told her and are trying to work on things. As a BW here is what helped me:
> 
> When I cried he held me....even if I pushed him away.
> He said sorry, over and over again. But expand on why you are sorry.
> DO NOT move out unless she asks you to.
> If he called while at work and I was crying he came home right away.
> Besure to tell her if the OW contacts you outside of work related issues.
> 
> I am sure she told the OW to back off....now you must too. Include in the NC letter that while you will be professional in the work place you will not speak with her about your personal life. I am glad to see you put in for a transfer....in the meantime start looking for another job. Just in case the transfer does not go through. If you must drink do so at home. But do not drink in excess. Be home when you say you are going to be there. Do Not ask for guys night out. Speak of future plans about the baby and your family. Apologize to everyone of your family members and friends in front of her.
> 
> Your marriage is now about her...not you. But you should cry in front of her...it shows that you are hurting to. Let her know that you feel horrible about what you have done. Tell her you feel like scum. This not to make her feel sorry for you, but to let her know that you get the devestation you have brought to her feet. Good Luck.


This is great advice! I wish i had some of this and the whole crying and coming home is amazing! Only cry in front of her if you mean it. My stbeh did a whole theatrical crying and begging in front of 60 people in a couples retreat just so he could leave 2 weeks afterwards. Act more than talk and be sincere, even when the time comes when you do not know what to do. Believe me it will happen and you need to let her know.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

underwater2010 said:


> Sorry I was sticking to the original message in the post. After reading further I see that you told her and are trying to work on things. As a BW here is what helped me:
> 
> When I cried he held me....even if I pushed him away.
> He said sorry, over and over again. But expand on why you are sorry.
> DO NOT move out unless she asks you to.
> If he called while at work and I was crying he came home right away.
> Besure to tell her if the OW contacts you outside of work related issues.
> 
> I am sure she told the OW to back off....now you must too. Include in the NC letter that while you will be professional in the work place you will not speak with her about your personal life. I am glad to see you put in for a transfer....in the meantime start looking for another job. Just in case the transfer does not go through. If you must drink do so at home. But do not drink in excess. Be home when you say you are going to be there. Do Not ask for guys night out. Speak of future plans about the baby and your family. Apologize to everyone of your family members and friends in front of her.
> 
> Your marriage is now about her...not you. But you should cry in front of her...it shows that you are hurting to. Let her know that you feel horrible about what you have done. Tell her you feel like scum. This not to make her feel sorry for you, but to let her know that you get the devestation you have brought to her feet. Good Luck.



Thats great advice, I'm trying to be there for her, my only concern at the moment is her and the baby. We will be parents soon and I'm looking forward to that. She isn't allowing herself to get too close to me right, which is understandable. I hope with time that we can have a good marriage again, but thats up to her if she still wants me around. Its early days


----------



## alte Dame

You have to really make this about her feelings. You sound like you're starting to do that now.

You generated an entire array of extreme emotion in her with your A. She feels shocked, hurt, humiliated, betrayed, enraged, incredulous, naive, enlightened, numb, and disgusted. I'm sure there are many more adjectives we could use. But what you did has created this life-altering pain and the voice in her head is trying to sort through it. You have to go with it, but you can't direct it - she simply won't trust you to direct anything at this point.


----------



## cpacan

I will go a bit against the mainstream here. Don't do any of the above suggested, unless it is genuine!

You need to be your true self. If that's remorsefull, fine, but don't pretend anything at all - I am sure she has gotten enough "let's-pretend-we-both-have-a-happy-relationship". Let your actions come naturally.

Show her who you really are, so that she can make decissions based on honesty. I think you owe her that, if anything.


----------



## Grey Goose

Mr.not.so.right said:


> That's another worry as well, I don't want her comparing herself to the OW. I just don't think meeting her will do any good.


As a betrayed spuse I do not think it will bring anything good or bad, this person is no one, a plague, a disgusting problem in her life. Your wife is so much more than her! My husband cheated on me with a co-worker whom I had been to dinner with, shared a pregnancy with, done BBQs in my house with; I have her number and never once did I even felt the need to talk to her once I knew. I am far better than this wh*&r who did not respect me, my marriage, family, 2 year old son, my family and her own family (which she also distroyed). 

But even saying all that, you can not prevent her from doing this, if she wants to. Maybe if she had a friend that could help her during these times would be best. I have had therpaist, a life coach and a very dedicated friend who even moved in with me. Does she not have anyone she can relate to? I also reached out to the creator of Infidelity Survivor who is a great support via e-mail. If you think it could help, I could offer you my e-mail and listen to her and talk about things. There may be someone who is close to her that can help her clarify her thoughts?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Grey Goose said:


> As a betrayed spuse I do not think it will bring anything good or bad, this person is no one, a plague, a disgusting problem in her life. Your wife is so much more than her! My husband cheated on me with a co-worker whom I had been to dinner with, shared a pregnancy with, done BBQs in my house with; I have her number and never once did I even felt the need to talk to her once I knew. I am far better than this wh*&r who did not respect me, my marriage, family, 2 year old son, my family and her own family (which she also distroyed).
> 
> But even saying all that, you can not prevent her from doing this, if she wants to. Maybe if she had a friend that could help her during these times would be best. I have had therpaist, a life coach and a very dedicated friend who even moved in with me. Does she not have anyone she can relate to? I also reached out to the creator of Infidelity Survivor who is a great support via e-mail. If you think it could help, I could offer you my e-mail and listen to her and talk about things. There may be someone who is close to her that can help her clarify her thoughts?


Thats very kind of you, she has a really close friend who I would guess she has confided In, she still hasn't really opened up to me yet. I'm hoping that we can get to that stage when she feels comfortable.

The OW is just acting like nothing has happened, wants to carry on with things, can't believe it, no remorse at all.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thats very kind of you, she has a really close friend who I would guess she has confided In, she still hasn't really opened up to me yet. I'm hoping that we can get to that stage when she feels comfortable.
> 
> The OW is just acting like nothing has happened, wants to carry on with things, can't believe it, no remorse at all.


The OW may be a psychopath. A normal person feels guilt and remorse after a dDay, even if they want to continue the relationship, she should be expressing guilt and discomfort in some way. 

The Police labeled the OW in my husband's affair a psychopath because she eventually started stalking both me and STBEH, and when caught in a provable lie, she said to the police officer: 
How does that change anything I've prior said"

Well, it changes everything she prior said because now they know she is a liar and one who will even lie to the police.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> The OW may be a psychopath. A normal person feels guilt and remorse after a dDay, even if they want to continue the relationship, she should be expressing guilt and discomfort in some way.
> 
> The Police labeled the OW in my husband's affair a psychopath because she eventually started stalking both me and STBEH, and when caught in a provable lie, she said to the police officer:
> How does that change anything I've prior said"
> 
> Well, it changes everything she prior said because now they know she is a liar and one who will even lie to the police.


Thats the thing, she initially said she felt bad, but at work she is just carrying on with the way things were.I don't understand her, especially after my wife phoned her!!


----------



## DawnD

Is she not looking as attractive now OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thats the thing, she initially said she felt bad, but at work she is just carrying on with the way things were.I don't understand her, especially after my wife phoned her!!


Hire an attorney and send the no contact letter certified and through him. Tell her in the letter that you are ashamed of your relationship with her and seeing her makes you feel ill not good or exhilarated in any way emotionally or physically. 

Show it to your wife, make sure she sees you send it. 

Also write in the letter that if she continues to interact with you at work, you will file a restraining order or go to human resources to have HER FIRED OR TRANSFERRED. 

Like all OW's an affair is never just about sex for them. They are always in competition with the wife and whether or not she really wants you long term, she wants to win you from your wife. 

She sees a weakness now in that your wife is angry. 

Stay away from this woman if you want to save your marriage.

Edited: to add:

Also, include in the letter a statement to the effect that you can't believe that you were ever attracted to the type of woman who would date a married man or who would tried to force the relationship with a married man even though told you want to save your marriage.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Is she not looking as attractive now OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Certainly not, only goes to highlight how stupid I have been. Makes me doubt myself that I was with someone like this


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Certainly not, only goes to highlight how stupid I have been. Makes me doubt myself that I was with someone like this


The doubt is an excellent sign. It shows guilt, regret, remorse. 

You made a very poor choice, now please do not compound it by talking to this woman. 

Get out the cross and the garlic, she is a vampire.


----------



## gemjo

never underestimate some women....they simply want what isn't theirs, for no reason other than control, power and game play.

The control and power they feel at having a man who is married and especially if he comes across as happily married, then that's a bonus!

Do not give her the time of day, she knew exactly what she was doing when she made a play for you.

Face this fact, she's a B1tc* of the worst kind! She's been playing a game with you and your wife, and unfortunately your unborn child.

...... its also a possibility she wants you to fall into a trap of confiding, or needing her....and she could be right round telling or phoning your wife. Do yourself a favor, keep it strictly work until you can have no contact at all.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

gemjo said:


> never underestimate some women....they simply want what isn't theirs, for no reason other than control, power and game play.
> 
> The control and power they feel at having a man who is married and especially if he comes across as happily married, then that's a bonus!
> 
> Do not give her the time of day, she knew exactly what she was doing when she made a play for you.
> 
> Face this fact, she's a B1tc* of the worst kind! She's been playing a game with you and your wife, and unfortunately your unborn child.
> 
> ...... its also a possibility she wants you to fall into a trap of confiding, or needing her....and she could be right round telling or phoning your wife. Do yourself a favor, keep it strictly work until you can have no contact at all.


Yeah she has already asked how things are that we could talk about it.


----------



## gemjo

Stay wise and very aware that OW will be cleverly manipulative, she will obviously act sweet and caring to you should you weaken and need a shoulder to cry on.......

Just be one step ahead.....and tell your wife of any attempted contact from other woman, txt, email and conversation.....everything that would be considered not work related.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

gemjo said:


> Stay wise and very aware that OW will be cleverly manipulative, she will obviously act sweet and caring to you should you weaken and need a shoulder to cry on.......
> 
> Just be one step ahead.....and tell your wife of any attempted contact from other woman, txt, email and conversation.....everything that would be considered not work related.


Yeah, this is what I intend to do, I'm just focused on her and the baby now. I'm never doing anything like this again, way too much to lose, its just not worth it


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Certainly not, only goes to highlight how stupid I have been. Makes me doubt myself that I was with someone like this


I will ask you now to go back and read some of your first posts, particularly the ones where you referred to your wife as overweight and the OW as attractive. See how far you have fallen into this mess? Realize how little concern you had for your pregnant wife, and realize all the energy you put towards this OW, who is now showing her true colors, that should have been spent on your wife. 

Pull yourself up, stop licking your wounds and feeling bad for YOUR choices, and start trying do anything and everything you can to make your wife feel safe. That transfer needs to happen. She will not begin to heal until you are not working with the OW.


----------



## Kasler

^ This is why I make a habit to read at least half of the thread regardless of length before posting, also th last few pages.


----------



## cledus_snow

> I'm never doing anything like this again, *way too much to lose, its just not worth it*


_way too much to lose? its just not worth it?_


how 'bout not very nice betraying and being disloyal to the one person you swore to love. 

sorry, but you really need to work on your empathy and remorse. by this, i mean the reason you _shouldn't_ cheat, to begin with.

those reasons you just wrote only serve _your_ interests. meaning... *you* have something to lose. meaning it's not worth it for _*you*_.


start thinking about _her_, and _her_ feelings for once. as in _why_ she should consider taking you back. 

prove to her that you're worth giving another chance.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

cledus_snow said:


> _way too much to lose? its just not worth it?_
> 
> 
> how 'bout not very nice betraying and being disloyal to the one person you swore to love.
> 
> sorry, but you really need to work on your empathy and remorse. by this, i mean the reason you _shouldn't_ cheat, to begin with.
> 
> those reasons you just wrote only serve _your_ interests. meaning... *you* have something to lose. meaning it's not worth it for _*you*_.
> 
> 
> start thinking about _her_, and _her_ feelings for once. as in _why_ she should consider taking you back.
> 
> prove to her that you're worth giving another chance.


I have been very selfish. I'm am truly remorseful about what has happened though. I never thought I would be capable of doing something like this. 

We are trying to recover from this, everyday is different, happy moments are quickly gone when she remembers what I have done. I have received some fantastic news this week,my transfer is 90% going to happen, it should be a formality now. I think that will be a huge step in the right direction. 

The OW has texted a few times as well, I've taken the advice of some posters on here and showed them to my wife instead of just deleting. She has since contacted other women again telling her to back off now and us alone. 

I'm still in the spare room, but things are slightly better. I get a daily tongue lashing of her, telling me how stupid ive been, its her way of venting, I have to take it, she is still very angry at me. I'm just trying my best to be there for her when she needs me


----------



## Shoshannah

You are handling this well. Don't give up. You already know that you are in for years of helping your wife get over this as much as possible. But it will get better if you work very hard and refuse to give up. When the time is right and your wife is ready, take her to marriage counseling, but find a good counselor, one who is willing to continue to hold you accountable. Your wife will need to see that. Hopefully, someday, you will have a better marriage and be stronger people because of what you have gone through together.


----------



## alte Dame

You sound like you're beginning to view your wife with the respect that she absolutely deserves. You've said from the start that you love her and desperately don't want to lose her, but then how could you have had a long-term A with someone else? This is the cognitive dissonance that will drive her crazy. If you can't explain it to yourself, you can't expect her to make any sense of it. Instead, so much of her sense of betrayal will be not being able to believe that you really love her - if you did, she will reason, how could you do such things? How could you do such intimate things with someone else? You will have to make her believe that you don't want to do them with anyone else & you'll have to believe that yourself.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't want to endanger our child by upsetting her at this time.


Yeah, heaven forbid you endanger the child. The wife is expendable.

meh


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> You sound like you're beginning to view your wife with the respect that she absolutely deserves. You've said from the start that you love her and desperately don't want to lose her, but then how could you have had a long-term A with someone else? This is the cognitive dissonance that will drive her crazy. If you can't explain it to yourself, you can't expect her to make any sense of it. Instead, so much of her sense of betrayal will be not being able to believe that you really love her - if you did, she will reason, how could you do such things? How could you do such intimate things with someone else? You will have to make her believe that you don't want to do them with anyone else & you'll have to believe that yourself.


I do believe I don't want to be with anyone else, the affair was a stupid mistake that I wish never happened. It was all physical, it was selfish. I know she will find it very difficult to forgive me, I have had my problems, which don't condone anything, I just hope one day she can regain her trust in me


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I have been very selfish. I'm am truly remorseful about what has happened though. I never thought I would be capable of doing something like this.
> 
> We are trying to recover from this, everyday is different, happy moments are quickly gone when she remembers what I have done. I have received some fantastic news this week,my transfer is 90% going to happen, it should be a formality now. I think that will be a huge step in the right direction.
> 
> The OW has texted a few times as well, I've taken the advice of some posters on here and showed them to my wife instead of just deleting. She has since contacted other women again telling her to back off now and us alone.
> 
> I'm still in the spare room, but things are slightly better. I get a daily tongue lashing of her, telling me how stupid ive been, its her way of venting, I have to take it, she is still very angry at me. I'm just trying my best to be there for her when she needs me


I want to echo Cledus's post. It makes sense. You seem to concerned about you.

Also, regarding the OW, why does she still think she can rekindle?

To my mind that means you somehow make her feel there is an opening. 

I think you need to call her with your wife on the other line, and tell this OW, that you are ashamed and that you are embarrassed that you risked your marriage for someone you could NEVER LOVE.

This OW, if she is still contacting you, needs to be shut down by YOU, NOT YOUR WIFE.

There are some OW's "bunny boilers" who will hurt the wife, if they rationalize that SHE is the only thing between you and her. 

Your wife could be in danger if your OW thinks that. 

Shut down the OW pronto. Be rude if she persists. 

Tell her she is not in a league with your faithful wife and that it was just sex and nothing more.

If she still persists tell her that persisting as she does, after being told it's over only makes you think she is a low life who is trying to make trouble.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I do believe I don't want to be with anyone else, the affair was a stupid mistake that I wish never happened. It was all physical, it was selfish. I know she will find it very difficult to forgive me, I have had my problems, which don't condone anything, I just hope one day she can regain her trust in me


She will never regain 100 percent trust in you. She would be a fool to do so. 

It is important that you realize this and not expect her to trust you completely ever again. 

She will snoop and be suspicious forever, and rightfully so. 

Likely she will hate herself for this if she was not prior a snooper or suspicious type. 

You need to find a way to let her know her behavior is normal.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> I want to echo Cledus's post. It makes sense. You seem to concerned about you.
> 
> Also, regarding the OW, why does she still think she can rekindle?
> 
> To my mind that means you somehow make her feel there is an opening.
> 
> I think you need to call her with your wife on the other line, and tell this OW, that you are ashamed and that you are embarrassed that you risked your marriage for someone you could NEVER LOVE.
> 
> This OW, if she is still contacting you, needs to be shut down by YOU, NOT YOUR WIFE.
> 
> There are some OW's "bunny boilers" who will hurt the wife, if they rationalize that SHE is the only thing between you and her.
> 
> Your wife could be in danger if your OW thinks that.
> 
> Shut down the OW pronto. Be rude if she persists.
> 
> Tell her she is not in a league with your faithful wife and that it was just sex and nothing more.
> 
> If she still persists tell her that persisting as she does, after being told it's over only makes you think she is a low life who is trying to make trouble.


To be honest, I have old the OW I don't want any contact with her outside of work related issues. I don't know why she is continuing to contact me outside of work. She's not being appropriate at work either, my transfer should at least solve that problem. During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


----------



## turnera

If she continues to harass you at work, you're going to have to tell your HR or your boss.

As for your wife, have you offered to take a polygraph? Does she have all your passwords? Do you offer her your phone randomly so she can see you have nothing to hide? Have you found a good counselor and arranged a session? Are you spending 15 hours a week with your wife doing 'connecting' things? 

She'll need such things to see you have turned over a new leaf.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

turnera said:


> If she continues to harass you at work, you're going to have to tell your HR or your boss.
> 
> As for your wife, have you offered to take a polygraph? Does she have all your passwords? Do you offer her your phone randomly so she can see you have nothing to hide? Have you found a good counselor and arranged a session? Are you spending 15 hours a week with your wife doing 'connecting' things?
> 
> She'll need such things to see you have turned over a new leaf.


She has all my passwords yes, apart from work, because thats not allowed. I'm spending every bit of spare time I have with her. She says she isn't ready for counselling yet. I understand that she will feel the need to check up on me from time to time, because I have proved to her that I was untrustworthy


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> To be honest, I have old the OW I don't want any contact with her outside of work related issues. I don't know why she is continuing to contact me outside of work. She's not being appropriate at work either, my transfer should at least solve that problem. During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


You can have an attorney send her a letter stating that she is on notice never to contact you again or to talk to you at all. 

If she does not comply, a restraining order will be filed. 

If this does not shut her down, she is a dangerous bunny boiler and you may need to get the police involved. 

Your wife can be in danger. 

The OW is more likely to kill the wife than a wife to kill an OW.

Just like in fatal attraction. 

BTW: all women who go after married men swer on their children that all they want is sex. 

The stats show however, that when a women cheats she already has one foot out the door and is looking for a replacement for her husband. This applies even if she is a sex addict.

If she is single, she is either looking for an ego conquest by taking a married man away from the wife, or she is looking for marriage.


----------



## alte Dame

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I do believe I don't want to be with anyone else, the affair was a stupid mistake that I wish never happened. It was all physical, it was selfish.


This idea that 'it was all physical' is where the dissonance comes in for me. The physical is deeply intimate in a loving relationship. I used to think that this was a difference between men and women - that men could have sex without any connection & women had a harder time of it, always drawing the greater association with intimacy. Reading threads here teaches you that women are just as capable of making the same meaningless distinction.

The truth is that if it was 'all physical,' you could have been having sex with lots of faceless women over the years to satisfy whatever need you had. Instead, you chose one woman to be with intimate with for a long period of time. How could this be 'just physical'? I repeat - this question will drive your wife crazy. How can she really believe that you don't care about the OW? If you don't care about her, I suggest you spend some time really figuring out why you've done what you've done so you can explain this to your wife. Just saying 'it was a terrible mistake, I want to erase this entire year, kumbayah' won't cut it with your W, I suspect.


----------



## cpacan

Sara8 said:


> BTW: all women who go after married men swer on their children that all they want is sex.
> 
> The stats show however, that when a women cheats she already has one foot out the door and is looking for a replacement for her husband. This applies even if she is a sex addict.
> 
> If she is single, she is either looking for an ego conquest by taking a married man away from the wife, or she is looking for marriage.


Sara, which stats are you referring to? I would like to see them.


----------



## Jellybeans

Why haven't you called up your cell company to have the OW's # blocked from your phone?

if you truly want no contact with her outside of work, you will do any and everything to block her from contacting you. 

It's all good and fine that you're showing your wife the texts but that doesn't mean jack when you are still allowing the OW an in to contact you.

Block her #, email, FB. Now. 

Actions speak louder than some teensy little words.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Jellybeans said:


> Why haven't you called up your cell company to have the OW's # blocked from your phone?
> 
> if you truly want no contact with her outside of work, you will do any and everything to block her from contacting you.
> 
> It's all good and fine that you're showing your wife the texts but that doesn't mean jack when you are still allowing the OW an in to contact you.
> 
> Block her #, email, FB. Now.
> 
> Actions speak louder than some teensy little words.


As I have stated before I can't block her number, because of the nature of my work we have to able to contact each other, until my transfer we work very closely, without going into too much detail it's just not permitted


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> To be honest, I have old the OW I don't want any contact with her outside of work related issues. I don't know why she is continuing to contact me outside of work. She's not being appropriate at work either, my transfer should at least solve that problem. During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


And she also said she felt bad, yet continued and still continues to contact you. Surely you are not foreign to the fact that people will lie and cheat to get what they want? 

She is pissed, she thought she had you in the bag, and that eventually you would leave your wife for her. She agreed that it was just sex to bait you in. and you took it. 

Again, do not refer to your affair as a mistake, it was a choice. A horrible choice. but a choice.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> And she also said she felt bad, yet continued and still continues to contact you. Surely you are not foreign to the fact that people will lie and cheat to get what they want?
> 
> She is pissed, she thought she had you in the bag, and that eventually you would leave your wife for her. She agreed that it was just sex to bait you in. and you took it.
> 
> Again, do not refer to your affair as a mistake, it was a choice. A horrible choice. but a choice.


I can't speak for her, but I took her for her word when we agreed it was just a physical thing. I can't know for sure what she is really thinking


----------



## turnera

Polygraph?


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I can't speak for her, but I took her for her word when we agreed it was just a physical thing. I can't know for sure what she is really thinking


she is showing you right now with her actions. It was not just physical for her, thus her continuing to contact you on personal things. Her violation of your boundary shows you that she indeed thought it was more.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> As I have stated before I can't block her number, because of the nature of my work we have to able to contact each other, until my transfer we work very closely, without going into too much detail it's just not permitted


 Oh, but cheating is?

meh


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

turnera said:


> Oh, but cheating is?
> 
> meh


I didn't say it was, I made the wrong choices, and I'm facing up to the aftermath


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

IMO if you love her and dont want to ruin your marriage or change how she looks at you for the rest of your lives. Then DONT tell her. Why should you burden her with your guilt for the stupid thing you did. Also, you should find a new job and possibly move if necessary. 

BTW. I was once listening to Dr. Laura when a woman called in asking the same exact question. Dr. Laura told the woman she was a fool for risking her family. She went on and continued to basically "verbally rape her" and told her she needs to live with the guilt and keep her MOUTH SHUT.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I didn't say it was, I made the wrong choices, and I'm facing up to the aftermath


 I was talking about how you deal with this at work. You're willing to bend the rules to get some nookie, but you can't face your boss, tell him the truth, take your lumps, and get OW off your back?

Those are choices.


----------



## Jellybeans

Mr.not.so.right said:


> . During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


Word dto the wise: it's rare anyone can selep with someone for a year (especially a woman) for a year w/o catching feelings.

If she is calling you from a personal phone, block that #. If she is calling you from a work phone that may be different.

And pray she doesn't start a sh!tstorm at work for you saying you violated some business/sexual/harassment code. 



DawnD said:


> she is showing you right now with her actions. It was not just physical for her, thus her continuing to contact you on personal things. Her violation of your boundary shows you that she indeed thought it was more.


And it shows she's boundary-resistant. Meh.


----------



## turnera

Jellybeans said:


> And pray she doesn't start a sh!tstorm at work for you saying you violated some business/sexual/harassment code.


EXACTLY why your boss needs to know. If he's in the dark, guess who he'll be mad at? Not her.


----------



## Jellybeans

Just going back to your original post... you said you are not physically attracted to your wife... so what is the plan? Even if the affair has ended, do you think you can/will be attracted to your wife again? Surely you were attracted to her when you married?


----------



## turnera

Polygraph?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Jellybeans said:


> Just going back to your original post... you said you are not physically attracted to your wife... so what is the plan? Even if the affair has ended, do you think you can/will be attracted to your wife again? Surely you were attracted to her when you married?


I am attracted to her, I didn't explain myself very well with that. She has always been a bit overweight, but I love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

cpacan said:


> Sara, which stats are you referring to? I would like to see them.


I have read hundreds of books regarding infidelity. 

And, done countless hours of EDu. study research on the net. 

Sorry, but I don't have time to search for links for you that I have already read or go back and find the names of the hundred or so infidelity books I checked out of various libraries. 

I am not here to prove anything only guide people to do their own checking and research.

The stats show that unless a women is sex addicted and even in some cases where they are. 

Sex is never the real issue for a women to have an affair. 

Single or married they want a relationship. They want a conquest for the ego boost, or a new marriage partner because they are bored with the old, or he is not wealthy enough.

Sex is used as a lure. 

The OW in my STBEH case never had sex with her own wealthy, very alpha, charming, attractive spouse. 

She wrote to my STBEH that she would hide in another room pretending to do something else until he fell asleep. 

Yet, she claimed in another Email that he deprived her of sex. 

The truth was as she mentioned in yet another email, she was no longer attracted to him after 12 years of marriage.

The studies also show that when these women divorce to marry an affair partner, they soon become unhappy with the affair partner because the real issue is that they are unhappy with themselves or life in general, not the BS.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

To be honest I'm not sure what the OW is feeling. I have to put my wife first, I have messed with her life, now I have to try and make it up to her the best I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BeachGuy

As Dr. Laura said, hell no don't tell her. It would only crush her emotionally. You stop doing it and live with the guilt.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Too bad people don't read the last page of a thread before posting. They would realize he told her the news. Read people. Read!



Mr.not.so.right said:


> I am attracted to her, I didn't explain myself very well with that. She has always been a bit overweight, but I love her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is a bit overweight - 10 pounds? 20 pounds? More than 25 pounds? Before she became pregnant, did you have a talk with your wife about her weight? Was the OW quite a bit thinner than your wife at your wife's pre-pregnancy weight? 

I think you really need to figure out why you had a "sex only" relationship with another woman for so long. You haven't really gotten to the root of why you cheated and until you do, you're still a danger to your wife.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Coffee Amore said:


> Too bad people don't read the last page of a thread before posting. They would realize he told her the news. Read people. Read!
> 
> 
> 
> What is a bit overweight - 10 pounds? 20 pounds? More than 25 pounds? Before she became pregnant, did you have a talk with your wife about her weight? Was the OW quite a bit thinner than your wife at your wife's pre-pregnancy weight?
> 
> I think you really need to figure out why you had a "sex only" relationship with another woman for so long. You haven't really gotten to the root of why you cheated and until you do, you're still a danger to your wife.



Probably 20 pounds pre pregnancy, she has always been a bit overweight, can't seem to lose it, and like I said earlier in the thread, I didn't mean to sound like I never found her attractive. She is very sensitive about it, so I don't mention it to her. The OW was quite a bit thinner, but that just sounds horrible


----------



## Coffee Amore

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Probably 20 pounds pre pregnancy, she has always been a bit overweight, can't seem to lose it, and like I said earlier in the thread, I didn't mean to sound like I never found her attractive. She is very sensitive about it, so I don't mention it to her. The OW was quite a bit thinner, but that just sounds horrible


Yes, it does sound bad. It's going to be hurtful to know the OW was quite a bit thinner. On the other hand, you're attracted to what you're attracted to. Obviously a thinner woman gets your attention. If losing the weight (20 pounds isn't a lot) will strengthen your attraction to your wife, it's something she might be willing to do provided she's willing to reconcile at all. You should read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. There's a section on attractive spouse. Obviously now is not the time to push this book on your spouse. But you should read it.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Coffee Amore said:


> Yes, it does sound bad. It's going to be hurtful to know the OW was quite a bit thinner. On the other hand, you're attracted to what you're attracted to. Obviously a thinner woman gets your attention. If losing the weight (20 pounds isn't a lot) will strengthen your attraction to your wife, it's something she might be willing to do provided she's willing to reconcile at all. You should read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. There's a section on attractive spouse. Obviously now is not the time to push this book on your spouse. But you should read it.


I'm lucky she hasn't thrown me out, She dosnt have to do anything to please me, it should be the other way around now.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

Mr.not.so.right said:


> So I have told her, came back last night and spilled my guts to her. I'm sure it won't come as much of a surprise to you that she didn't take it well. Lots of crying and screaming. Worst of all was just the total look of disgust she had for me, for ruining everything and what should be a happy and exciting time.
> 
> She had lots of questions, she wants to talk alone to the OW!, is this advisable? I don't see what good that would do. Why would she want to meet her? I don't think it's a good idea, but I can't stand in her way if that's what she wants.
> 
> Worst thing for her was the length of the affair and the fact that it was still going on when we found out we were having a baby. She knew something was wrong, buy this has shocked her. Ive asked for forgiveness, told her I made a mistake, and that I'm committed to her and our family. That I will do anything to save our marriage.
> 
> She's totally exposed me to everyone, friends family ect, I thought she would have wanted to keep it private, I don't think this helps. She says she wants a divorce and that I won't be seeing our baby, ihope that was just her anger talking. I hope we can work this out.
> 
> Everyone knows now, my mother is disgusted with me, my wife and her are close, she can't believe I've done this. I think I need to get out for a while, give her space.


So you dumped your guilt onto your pregnant wife. Yeah you are a winner.:scratchhead:


----------



## southern wife

Mr.not.so.right said:


> During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


Sorry, but *most* women don't "just have sex" to have sex. There has/had to have been something emotional for her. She has to have had some type of feelings for you, whether you had them for her or not. This is where men and women are MUCH different.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

southern wife said:


> Sorry, but *most* women don't "just have sex" to have sex. There has/had to have been something emotional for her. She has to have had some type of feelings for you, whether you had them for her or not. This is where men and women are MUCH different.


I don't really agree with that, I think women are just as likely to "just have sex", why does there have to be something emotional just because she is a women?


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

southern wife said:


> Sorry, but *most* women don't "just have sex" to have sex. There has/had to have been something emotional for her. She has to have had some type of feelings for you, whether you had them for her or not. This is where men and women are MUCH different.


I dont agree with this statement. A woman does not need an emotional connection to have sex.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't really agree with that, I think women are just as likely to "just have sex", why does there have to be something emotional just because she is a women?


Most women in affairs do so for the emotional connection. The sex is just a lure to get or keep the man around. Just the way it is. Stay around here long enough and you'll see it work out.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

turnera said:


> Most women in affairs do so for the emotional connection. The sex is just a lure to get or keep the man around. Just the way it is. Stay around here long enough and you'll see it work out.


Again I disagree. How do we know what Mr.not.so.rights affair partner was into. She might have been screwing different guys every day.

I would say MOST women do NOT need an emotional connection. BTW my wife and I have met many women that'll have sex with anyone anywhere at anytime.


----------



## Almostrecovered

turnera said:


> Most women in affairs do so for the emotional connection. The sex is just a lure to get or keep the man around. Just the way it is. Stay around here long enough and you'll see it work out.


I'll have to introduce you to my wife, she was in her affair for the sex. Not only as per her side, but backed by what I uncovered as well. (altho it was obvious OM was trying to get some sort of emotional connection, kinda sad)

I think GoodFight's wife also fits in this category to a large degree


----------



## southern wife

I said *most*. Not all. For sure there are exceptions. Geeeebus!!!!!


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

southern wife said:


> I said *most*. Not all. For sure there are exceptions. Geeeebus!!!!!


I don't agree that most women are like that either, ridiculous statement, women are having affairs all over the place as well, must be a lot of emotion in the world


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Again I disagree. How do we know what Mr.not.so.rights affair partner was into. She might have been screwing different guys every day.
> 
> I would say MOST women do NOT need an emotional connection. BTW my wife and I have met many women that'll have sex with anyone anywhere at anytime.


Then why still call him looking to talk? If it was just sex, and he stopped, she should be moving on to someone else.


----------



## turnera

Results from the UK Adultery Survey 2012 show that once women decide to cheat, they are significantly more likely to play the field in search for love compared to cheating men, who report wanting sexual excitement, boredom with their marriage and the need for an ego boost as being the top reasons for being unfaithful.

Women, on the other hand, are far more likely to list improving their self-esteem, romance and emotional fulfillment as the main reasons for cheating.

Female cheaters are also significantly more likely to fall in love with their extra-marital lovers than male adulterers with 57 percent of female participants report being in love with their current affair partner and only 27 percent of male participants reporting the love for their illicit lovers.

Read more at Married Women Who Cheat Have More Secret Lovers and Stray A Year Earlier Than Men : US/World : Medical Daily


----------



## Grey Goose

Mr.not.so.right said:


> To be honest, I have old the OW I don't want any contact with her outside of work related issues. I don't know why she is continuing to contact me outside of work. She's not being appropriate at work either, my transfer should at least solve that problem. During the affair we both agreed it was just sex, neither of us wanted anything more.


I think it is pretty normal that the OW tries to continue the relationship. I never believed my stbeh when he said that his OW never conacted him again, specially when i knew she tried him for a looong time and he never gave me access to his phone. Stay strong with the OW and keep your wife out of it, she's way better than your side thing!


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Grey Goose said:


> I think it is pretty normal that the OW tries to continue the relationship. I never believed my stbeh when he said that his OW never conacted him again, specially when i knew she tried him for a looong time and he never gave me access to his phone. Stay strong with the OW and keep your wife out of it, she's way better than your side thing!


Yeah, I've been basically ignoring it, just want to be there for my wife now, especially getting close to having baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

We had a big talk this morning, basically she said she can't forgive me for what I have done, can't get it out of her mind. She wants to separate. I guess I can't be surprised, but I did think things were going ok. I have brought it on myself though, so gutted by this. my sister has offered to let me stay with her until I get something sorted...


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> We had a big talk this morning, basically she said she can't forgive me for what I have done, can't get it out of her mind. She wants to separate. I guess I can't be surprised, but I did think things were going ok. I have brought it on myself though, so gutted by this. my sister has offered to let me stay with her until I get something sorted...


Okay, you are separating, but not divorcing yet, so continue to show her that you deserve another chance. How has counseling been?? Have you been going regularly? What about your transfer?

I will admit, if my H cheated and then told me he had to go to work with her every day and still allow her to call him, we would have split. That is asking too much of her.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Okay, you are separating, but not divorcing yet, so continue to show her that you deserve another chance. How has counseling been?? Have you been going regularly? What about your transfer?
> 
> I will admit, if my H cheated and then told me he had to go to work with her every day and still allow her to call him, we would have split. That is asking too much of her.


I havnt been to counselling, don't really believe in it, I need to find the strength myself to pick myself up, still need to be a good dad. Nothing official with the transfer yet, though unofficially it is almost a certainty and should happen for the beginning of october. To little too late, probably not even worth it now anyway


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I havnt been to counselling, don't really believe in it, I need to find the strength myself to pick myself up, still need to be a good dad. Nothing official with the transfer yet, though unofficially it is almost a certainty and should happen for the beginning of october. To little too late, probably not even worth it now anyway


 Ummm, okay. What does your WIFE believe? I get that you are not a big counselor person, my H wasn't either. But when everything came out, he did anything and everything he could to show me he wanted to be the man in my life for the rest of my life. That meant counseling, transparency,etc, etc. Are you just sitting there and hoping she will forgive you without you actually doing anything?

And yes, the transfer matters. You need to get away from the OW. Regardless of what goes down between you and the wife.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Ummm, okay. What does your WIFE believe? I get that you are not a big counselor person, my H wasn't either. But when everything came out, he did anything and everything he could to show me he wanted to be the man in my life for the rest of my life. That meant counseling, transparency,etc, etc. Are you just sitting there and hoping she will forgive you without you actually doing anything?
> 
> And yes, the transfer matters. You need to get away from the OW. Regardless of what goes down between you and the wife.


I would do it if she wanted to, She isn't ready for counselling. I'm wasn't just sitting doing nothing, I was doing everything she asked, was making big changes in my life, but she isn't ready to forgive me yet, which I understand. I need to get used to the fact that I ruined everything, but pick myself up because I still have responsibilities


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I would do it if she wanted to, She isn't ready for counselling. I'm wasn't just sitting doing nothing, I was doing everything she asked, was making big changes in my life, but she isn't ready to forgive me yet, which I understand. I need to get used to the fact that I ruined everything, but pick myself up because I still have responsibilities


I am not talking about Marriage Counseling. I am talking about Individual Counseling. THAT shows that you are trying to work on you and learn about yourself. It also shows that you want to make sure what ever allowed you to think your FWB situation was okay is fixed and that you have more understanding of boundaries and appropriate relationships with co workers and females altogether.

I am not trying to criticize you, but you sound like my H, who didn't know what to do, so he sat there and waited for me to TELL him what to do. That is no good. She shouldn't have to tell you. YOU should be doing anything and everything you can think of to earn a chance with her again. If you sit there and wait for her to tell you, it more than likely will not work. My H figured that out just in time. If it had been too much longer, we would probably be divorced by now.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> I am not talking about Marriage Counseling. I am talking about Individual Counseling. THAT shows that you are trying to work on you and learn about yourself. It also shows that you want to make sure what ever allowed you to think your FWB situation was okay is fixed and that you have more understanding of boundaries and appropriate relationships with co workers and females altogether.
> 
> I am not trying to criticize you, but you sound like my H, who didn't know what to do, so he sat there and waited for me to TELL him what to do. That is no good. She shouldn't have to tell you. YOU should be doing anything and everything you can think of to earn a chance with her again. If you sit there and wait for her to tell you, it more than likely will not work. My H figured that out just in time. If it had been too much longer, we would probably be divorced by now.


I don't need a counselor to tell me what I already know, I am making big changes in my life at the moment, trying to prove to her that I can change my ways, to be honest she isn't a big fan of counselling either, she wants to get there by ourselves, like we have always done. She has been honest with me and told me she dosnt think she can forgive me. I need to accept that and give her the space she wants. If she does change her mind I will be there for her, I will be there for her regardless of what happens to us a couple. I owe her that at least.


----------



## Vanguard

southern wife said:


> Sorry, but *most* women don't "just have sex" to have sex. There has/had to have been something emotional for her. She has to have had some type of feelings for you, whether you had them for her or not. This is where men and women are MUCH different.


Intellectual (or dareisay moral) superiority is a tactic that is frequently used by women to downplay their affairs. I say by women only because this society does not afford men the luxury of copping out of the responsibility for infidelity, not because I believe they would not employ such immoral tactics were they permitted.

Of course. "I'm not a pig like a man." "It wasn't about sex, it was about emotional connections."

Utter garbage. But even granting such self-enabling, self-entitling jargon, the claim still doesn't hold water. 

Sex is both a physical and emotional experience. To say that greed for the physical aspect of it is "sex just to have sex," and greed for the emotional aspect is somehow inherently more noble or sophisticated is simply feminist blather- unfounded, and more importantly, untrue.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

WhiteMousse said:


> Intellectual (or dareisay moral) superiority is a tactic that is frequently used by women to downplay their affairs. I say by women only because this society does not afford men the luxury of copping out of the responsibility for infidelity, not because I believe they would not employ such immoral tactics were they permitted.
> 
> Of course. "I'm not a pig like a man." "It wasn't about sex, it was about emotional connections."
> 
> Utter garbage. But even granting such self-enabling, self-entitling jargon, the claim still doesn't hold water.
> 
> Sex is both a physical and emotional experience. To say that greed for the physical aspect of it is "sex just to have sex," and greed for the emotional aspect is somehow inherently more noble or sophisticated is simply feminist blather- unfounded, and more importantly, untrue.



Totally agree with everything you just said.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't need a counselor to tell me what I already know, I am making big changes in my life at the moment, trying to prove to her that I can change my ways, to be honest she isn't a big fan of counselling either, she wants to get there by ourselves, like we have always done. She has been honest with me and told me she dosnt think she can forgive me. I need to accept that and give her the space she wants. If she does change her mind I will be there for her, I will be there for her regardless of what happens to us a couple. I owe her that at least.


What is it that you already know? Enlighten me.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> What is it that you already know? Enlighten me.


I don't need to told that I did wrong, I know I didn't make the right choices, I was weak and selfish. I'm taking steps to change my life in a quite a big way. Whats a counsellor going to tell me? I have good friends if I need to talk to someone. My wife has as well


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't need to told that I did wrong, I know I didn't make the right choices, I was weak and selfish. I'm taking steps to change my life in a quite a big way. Whats a counsellor going to tell me? I have good friends if I need to talk to someone. My wife has as well


I don't know. Maybe about the love languages, meeting each others needs, how to communicate better, how to help your wife overcome triggers ( which if you do work it out she will have plenty), how to help her when triggers come........


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> I don't know. Maybe about the love languages, meeting each others needs, how to communicate better, how to help your wife overcome triggers ( which if you do work it out she will have plenty), how to help her when triggers come........


Like I said, personally I don't think counselling is for me, but I would do it if my wife was willing and wanted too. She thinks they are just money vultures, her words. I believe in talking with people who actually know you, people in your life that matter. I'm not critising people who think counselling is essential, but it's not us.


----------



## gemjo

DawnD said:


> I am not trying to criticize you, but you sound like my H, who didn't know what to do, so he sat there and waited for me to TELL him what to do. That is no good. She shouldn't have to tell you. YOU should be doing anything and everything you can think of to earn a chance with her again. If you sit there and wait for her to tell you, it more than likely will not work. My H figured that out just in time. If it had been too much longer, we would probably be divorced by now.


completely agree with this. My H has been transparent, given me access to Fb, BB, all emails etc.. BUT I feel I have to tell him everything I need, and what he should be saying and what he should be doing as he tries desperately to say and do nothing for fear he will do the wrong thing. It somehow all feels like the BS has to do the work, or at least have to express their every need.

Do everything and anything, even if your W has asked you to leave, it isn't too late. Show her that you mean business, dont be complacent in any way, still go ahead with transfer, arrange some counselling for yourself, let her see you doing everything you can and eventually you will get through to her that you mean what you say and that you will actually do anything to try to put this right.

Please don't go down the path of 'it doesn't matter now she'd made her mind up, she's asked me to leave' Your wife is watching you and your reaction to everything, she is probably giving you the opportunity to leave to see what and who you turn to.... 

Be smart. Do the right thing!


----------



## Fvstringpicker

Mr.not.so.right said:


> She has been honest with me and told me she dosnt think she can forgive me. I need to accept that and give her the space she wants. If she does change her mind I will be there for her, I will be there for her regardless of what happens to us a couple. I owe her that at least.


I was banned when you put this post out there and couldn't respond. I would have done like some others and recommended you keep your mouth shut, cleaned up your act, and not hurt your wife by telling her you were dipping your pen in the company ink. Other than getting it off your chest, how'd it work for you. Was the almighty true you just had to tell so you could feel better about yourself worth the pain your wife is suffering. Like my uncle Olin use to say, "Going around telling everybody what a dumb azz you are don't make you any smarter boy"


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I havnt been to counselling, don't really believe in it,


Then I guess you don't really want your family all that much. YOU don't believe in it? YOU are the reason you're losing your family, dude. Wake up.

At this point, you should be offering her:
All passwords off your phone/computer and if it has to be there, SHE knows them.
You set up and take a polygraph test so she can find if you're NOW telling the truth.
You set up and attend counseling to figure out how you could do this to someone you supposedly love. 
You ask her to attend with you or with another counselor so she can be soothed and you two can work out whatever issues brought you to the point of cheating (if any, assuming you're not just a selfish jerk)
An offer to sign a postnup agreement stating that, if she ever catches you cheating again, you walk away with no money and no possessions.

If you're not willing to do those things, then she is right to kick you out.


----------



## turnera

gemjo said:


> Please don't go down the path of 'it doesn't matter now she'd made her mind up, she's asked me to leave' Your wife is watching you and your reaction to everything, she is probably giving you the opportunity to leave to see what and who you turn to....
> 
> Be smart. Do the right thing!


 Exactly.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

turnera said:


> Then I guess you don't really want your family all that much. YOU don't believe in it? YOU are the reason you're losing your family, dude. Wake up.
> 
> At this point, you should be offering her:
> All passwords off your phone/computer and if it has to be there, SHE knows them.
> You set up and take a polygraph test so she can find if you're NOW telling the truth.
> You set up and attend counseling to figure out how you could do this to someone you supposedly love.
> You ask her to attend with you or with another counselor so she can be soothed and you two can work out whatever issues brought you to the point of cheating (if any, assuming you're not just a selfish jerk)
> An offer to sign a postnup agreement stating that, if she ever catches you cheating again, you walk away with no money and no possessions.
> 
> If you're not willing to do those things, then she is right to kick you out.


I am willing to do those things, she dosnt want counselling yet either. I will anything she wants. Right now she dosnt want me in the house, so I have to respect that


----------



## turnera

Remember, she is now watching you to see what you do. IF you can prove that you want her and only her - by focusing on proving your love, NOT going out with other women, etc. - you may have a chance. This 'test' will likely last a good 2, 3, 6 months. But it's worth it, if she takes you back, that investment of time will reap you a marriage for the rest of your life.

btw, you are both wrong about counselors, no offense. They do a WORLD of good and go to university for at least 6 years to learn stuff you never thought of.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Well maybe its a route we can go down when she is ready. from what she said I don't think she will change her mind about me, but I know that she will want me involved with our child. Thats what I have to focus on now.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Who says the OP needs counseling? Its not a strict procedure to save your marriage, in fact sometimes it does more harm then good depending on the counselor. Dont let yourself relapse, especially not with someone new. Always make conscious decision, pre meditated and evaluated, think before you speak. Keep working hard, youve made great progress confessing and thats the easiest part, now you are indebt til death do you part, be a man and provide genuine love, security, hope and trust even if you get none in return. Let her know youre sorry and thank her in the future and make reparations through self sacrifice. Transparency. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Moving in with my sister for now, I will continue to be there for her if/when she needs me. I don't think she will ever take me back, but we still need to have a good relationship for our baby. Just hope it works out


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Moving in with my sister for now, I will continue to be there for her if/when she needs me. I don't think she will ever take me back, but we still need to have a good relationship for our baby. Just hope it works out


So.... Do you think it was a good idea to tell her now? If she wants to divorce you (which she probably will) she is gonna get a nice montly check from you while she is out with some other dude.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> So.... Do you think it was a good idea to tell her now? If she wants to divorce you (which she probably will) she is gonna get a nice montly check from you while she is out with some other dude.


...and he was out banging his co worker while she was by herself and pregnant. At least he decided to be a man and give her the truth, not hide behind some false sense of "protecting" her from the truth.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> So.... Do you think it was a good idea to tell her now? If she wants to divorce you (which she probably will) she is gonna get a nice montly check from you while she is out with some other dude.


I don't regret telling her, she had a right to know what I had done, and to have the choice of what she wanted to do. Wasn't about me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> So.... Do you think it was a good idea to tell her now? If she wants to divorce you (which she probably will) she is gonna get a nice montly check from you while she is out with some other dude.


 Good grief.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> ...and he was out banging his co worker while she was by herself and pregnant. At least he decided to be a man and give her the truth, not hide behind some false sense of "protecting" her from the truth.


He wont have time to be going out "banging OW" because he will be busy working to pay for child support and on his days off he'll be taking care of his kid.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I don't regret telling her, she had a right to know what I had done, and to have the choice of what she wanted to do. Wasn't about me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 OP, you have been through the ringer here. Lots of advice, lots of people provoking thoughts from you and trying to help you see the different paths to take. Hang in there, I honestly think you are trying to be a better man, so take what you can from the advice given and try anything that looks like it could help.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> He wont have time to be going out "banging OW" because he will be busy working to pay for child support and on his days off he'll be taking care of his kid.


You make that sound like a bad thing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Then he should have thought of that BEFORE he started banging OW, shouldn't he?

His situation is of HIS making, not his wife's. If he hadn't cheated, he'd have had nothing to confess.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> He wont have time to be going out "banging OW" because he will be busy working to pay for child support and on his days off he'll be taking care of his kid.


 He already spent a year on that. Now he can spend some time taking care of his kid. I don't see the problem here.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> You make that sound like a bad thing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Hang in there. She's angry. Show her who you are, that you've learned, and see what happens.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

Mr.not.so.right said:


> You make that sound like a bad thing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it is. I would not want some other guy raising my kids. I'm sure you want to "do the right thing" however sometimes the right thing is to do nothing.


----------



## WhereAmI

You sound defeated. You're not going to try simply because she doesn't feel she can get over this? There is a very real possibility that she can work through it if she sees you working hard to earn her back. If you just sit around waiting for her to tell you which way to go, you're foolish. Let's be honest, you invested a lot of energy into the other woman and deceiving your wife. You need to show her you can use even MORE energy to change and earn her trust. She needs to feel like she means more than your affair. Right now, you're showing her she doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I think it is. I would not want some other guy raising my kids. I'm sure you want to "do the right thing" however sometimes the right thing is to do nothing.


Because obviously right after learning her husband was cheating on her for a year, she is going to go RUNNING towards another relationship...


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I think it is. I would not want some other guy raising my kids. I'm sure you want to "do the right thing" however sometimes the right thing is to do nothing.


She's a good person, and deserves better. If she does want to reconcile then we could have a happy marriage, what was the point living a lie? It wasn't fair on her, I wouldn't be able to grow up and take responsibility if I had buried this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

turnera said:


> Then he should have thought of that BEFORE he started banging OW, shouldn't he?
> 
> His situation is of HIS making, not his wife's. If he hadn't cheated, he'd have had nothing to confess.


Yes, he should not have gone fishing in someone elses lake. However, he asked "should I confess to my wife". I do not think he thought out all of the "what ifs" before he told her. One of them is "How will I feel about some other guy raising my kid" to me that would hurt a lot.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

WhereAmI said:


> You sound defeated. You're not going to try simply because she doesn't feel she can get over this? There is a very real possibility that she can work through it if she sees you working hard to earn her back. If you just sit around waiting for her to tell you which way to go, you're foolish. Let's be honest, you invested a lot of energy into the other woman and deceiving your wife. You need to show her you can use even MORE energy to change and earn her trust. She needs to feel like she means more than your affair. Right now, you're showing her she doesn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you, I will be fighting to prove to her that I can change, not just because of the baby but because I want to be with her, she needs some space to think right now and I have to allow that to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

Mr.not.so.right said:


> She's a good person, and deserves better. If she does want to reconcile then we could have a happy marriage, what was the point living a lie? It wasn't fair on her, I wouldn't be able to grow up and take responsibility if I had buried this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See thats the thing. If you had not told her she would not have known and she would still be happy. Yes you would have the guilt that you screwed up. You should have gone to counceling, on your own, to deal with your guilt. 

If your wife does reconcile then it might be happy a happy marriage for you. However your wife might not be so happy.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> Because obviously right after learning her husband was cheating on her for a year, she is going to go RUNNING towards another relationship...


Umm yes. Isnt that what people do when one relationship end? We move on and start another.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> See thats the thing. If you had not told her she would not have known and she would still be happy.


Until she eventually found out. How do people not get that? Do you really think it would be BETTER for her to find out years after the fact? It sure didn't make it any better for me. As a matter of fact it made it about 10,000 times worse. 

A lot of people on CWI supporting the " avoid consequences" stance lately.:scratchhead:


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> See thats the thing. If you had not told her she would not have known and she would still be happy. Yes you would have the guilt that you screwed up. You should have gone to counceling, on your own, to deal with your guilt.
> 
> If your wife does reconcile then it might be happy a happy marriage for you. However your wife might not be so happy.


I just thought she deserved to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Umm yes. Isnt that what people do when one relationship end? We move on and start another.


Can I ask what exactly your experience with Infidelity is Suspicious? Not being sarcastic, just wondering.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I hear you, I will be fighting to prove to her that I can change, not just because of the baby but because I want to be with her, she needs some space to think right now and I have to allow that to happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you really wanted to be in the relationship with her you would *NOT* give her any space. You would *NOT* have moved out. You still have the right to live in your house up until a judge tells you otherwise.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> Until she eventually found out. How do people not get that? Do you really think it would be BETTER for her to find out years after the fact? It sure didn't make it any better for me. As a matter of fact it made it about 10,000 times worse.
> 
> A lot of people on CWI supporting the " avoid consequences" stance lately.:scratchhead:


If he kept his mouth shut how would she have found out? Other than the other woman maybe.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> Can I ask what exactly your experience with Infidelity is Suspicious? Not being sarcastic, just wondering.


Ive been a very long time lurker of TAM. :smthumbup:


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Its ridiculous to think that the WS has to suffer silently keeping it a secret because it was the WS decision to cheat and must keep it a secret. That is selfish thinking and thats the same as letting the BS live normally a "happy marriage" while the WS had her cake with no consequences to her actions.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> If he kept his mouth shut how would she have found out? Other than the other woman maybe.


The other woman, a disgusted co worker that knows ( which I am sure there are plenty), a coworkers spouse, and general laziness. over time, a good amount of cheaters get lazy and the BS finds out by accident. They see a text, email, facebook message, something. I found out 18 months later :/ A lot of different things can happen. I will applaud OP for realizing she needed to know.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Its ridiculous to think that the WS has to suffer silently keeping it a secret because it was the WS decision to cheat and must keep it a secret. That is selfish thinking and thats the same as letting the BS live normally a "happy marriage" while the WS had her cake with no consequences to her actions.


OK. Its not right that the person cheated. At the same time he wanted to confess because he felt guilty. Now that he has eleviated his guilt he now has to live with the fact that he ruined his marriage, hurt his wife, and has *potentially* set up his childs life to be a bit harder. 

Again if he really cared about his marriage, wife, & kid he would have not cheated. But since he did cheat he should have kept it to himself and sought counciling to figure out what was missing in his relationship. Once he was done with the counciling he could then decide wheter to confess and end the marriage or continue the marriage with the understanding of what he or she needs to do to to fill in the missing piece of thier relationship. People usually cheat because there is something missing in thier lives or relationship. Whether it be emotionally, the thrill, or.... whatever.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

He has not alleviated his guilt. If anything it has elevated because when you confess you do not get showered with presents, love and lots of sexual attention. You get verbally abused, you are reminded constantly, you have to work double time if you want to stay married because you are trash that should be thrown away like a used condom/tampon.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Now that he has eleviated his guilt he now has to live with the fact that he ruined his marriage, hurt his wife, and has *potentially* set up his childs life to be a bit harder.


THAT happened the second he cheated. Telling her the truth doesn't destroy the marriage, the cheating does.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> THAT happened the second he cheated. Telling her the truth doesn't destroy the marriage, the cheating does.


I disagree. The marriage was not over until she found out.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

> Again if he really cared about his marriage, wife, & kid he would *have not cheated*.


Exactly.



> But since he did cheat he should have kept it to himself and sought counciling to figure out what was missing in his relationship.


That is incorrect, you are stuck in half truths. You say he needs counseling before deciding to D or confess? 

If a WS divorces and does not confess, the motive is to SAVE FACE. The WS does not want to seem like the bad "guy", and a WS asking for D out of nowhere is a HUGE red flag for affair.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I disagree. The marriage was not over until she found out.


The marriage is over when one person decides to go outside of it and risk the mental, physical, and emotional health for some strange. The truth just brings about the consequences of their actions. Every action has a consequence, I was taught that in kindergarten.


----------



## turnera

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Ive been a very long time lurker of TAM. :smthumbup:


 I think they meant your personal experience, on either side, with infidelity in your relationships.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Exactly.
> 
> 
> 
> That is incorrect, you are stuck in half truths. You say he needs counseling before deciding to D or confess?
> 
> If a WS divorces and does not confess, the motive is to SAVE FACE. The WS does not want to seem like the bad "guy", and a WS asking for D out of nowhere is a HUGE red flag for affair.


And what is wrong with not giving a reason for divorce. I mean seriously? 

He or she comes home and says honey I am not happy in our marriage. I have thought it out and or been to counseling to work through my issues. I have come to the conclusion you will be happier with someone else. We need to end this relationship. I will move out immediately.

Simple. There is no cake walking. The wife or husband doesnt need to know about the infidelities. End of story.

If you want drama rent a movie.


----------



## turnera

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> He has not alleviated his guilt. If anything it has elevated because when you confess you do not get showered with presents, love and lots of sexual attention. You get verbally abused


Projections.

He did not get verbally abused. His wife told him she wanted a divorce. Big difference.

The marriage obviously had some problems or another women wouldn't have looked so appealing - unless he was just raised to be selfish and disrespect women - so this can (if she gives him another chance) be a life-altering occasion that allows the two of them to move forward in an even better marriage because they will no longer take each other for granted.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

turnera said:


> I think they meant your personal experience, on either side, with infidelity in your relationships.


I have never cheated on my wife. My wife, as far as I know, has never cheated on me.

I say "as far as I know" because I am not with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. No one really knows what the other people in our lives are doing.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

turnera said:


> Projections.
> 
> *He did not get verbally abused.* His wife told him she wanted a divorce. Big difference.
> 
> The marriage obviously had some problems or another women wouldn't have looked so appealing - unless he was just raised to be selfish and disrespect women - so this can (if she gives him another chance) be a life-altering occasion that allows the two of them to move forward in an even better marriage because they will no longer take each other for granted.


I know turnera, I am just making generalizations to bring my point into the light.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I have never cheated on my wife. My wife, as far as I know, has never cheated on me.
> 
> I say "as far as I know" because I am not with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. No one really knows what the other people in our lives are doing.



Either way it is incorrect to withhold that information. Do not think that suffering with guilt is a consequence for cheating and one must deal with it alone in silence. 

Your house with your children and wife in it just got blown up, it was just a gas line, I witnessed it, then again I planted the bomb but its fine, keep living a new happy life while I wither away in my guilt which is worse than jail.


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> And what is wrong with not giving a reason for divorce. I mean seriously?
> 
> He or she comes home and says honey I am not happy in our marriage. I have thought it out and or been to counseling to work through my issues. I have come to the conclusion you will be happier with someone else. We need to end this relationship. I will move out immediately.
> 
> Simple. There is no cake walking. The wife or husband doesnt need to know about the infidelities. End of story.
> 
> If you want drama rent a movie.


Do you and your wife feel the same way? She is okay with knowing you would rather lie to her and divorce her with NO reason??

I can't think of one person I know that just said " I want out" and gave no reason. " I decided for you that you will be happier" is crap, and anyone that hears that line will know its crap.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Bernard Madoff probably would have chosen to live with guilt, then again money is the root of all hapiness!


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> Do you and your wife feel the same way? She is okay with knowing you would rather lie to her and divorce her with NO reason??
> 
> I can't think of one person I know that just said " I want out" and gave no reason. " I decided for you that you will be happier" is crap, and anyone that hears that line will know its crap.


Ive see posts on TAM about either the husband or wife just got up and left without giving reasons. My wife and I have talked about this particular "what if" we agreed that if one of us decides, for what ever reason, "Its over" then be grown up and make the decision. We communicate what each of us wants or needs (frequently) so we have no major issues other than me being paranoid. LOL


----------



## DawnD

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Ive see posts on TAM about either the husband or wife just got up and left without giving reasons. My wife and I have talked about this particular "what if" we agreed that if one of us decides, for what ever reason, "Its over" then be grown up and make the decision. We communicate what each of us wants or needs (frequently) so we have no major issues other than me being paranoid. LOL


So after seeing all the heartbreak the spouse goes through who basically just got left, you two decided to do that to each other? You are more willing to leave her and let her wonder for years what SHE did, all to cover up an affair??


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

DawnD said:


> So after seeing all the heartbreak the spouse goes through who basically just got left, you two decided to do that to each other? You are more willing to leave her and let her wonder for years what SHE did, all to cover up an affair??


No I'd tell her if she wanted to know. I would not tell her until after the divorce.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople

If you have read thru my other posts you would know that my marriage is not typical. We have an written agreement (post nuptial) that if one of us wanders without the other then wander looses everything.


----------



## cpacan

Ahh... Now I get where you're coming from, you think it's about the money. The rest of us are talking about three right to decide if one wish to live ina one sided open marriage or not, about feelings and respect.


----------



## Acabado

So you already gave up?
Are you going to let her go easyly or you are going to fight for her?


----------



## Remains

deleted post. Totally out of context of thread.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Acabado said:


> So you already gave up?
> Are you going to let her go easyly or you are going to fight for her?


I havnt given up, I still have hope, I still love her and want to prove that I can be a good husband.


----------



## Grey Goose

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> If he kept his mouth shut how would she have found out? Other than the other woman maybe.


I am sooo sorry to disapoint you Suspicous but we always found out by the OW or because the WS screws up.


----------



## Grey Goose

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Ive been a very long time lurker of TAM. :smthumbup:


Only a lurker? Have been cheated or anyhing directly related?


----------



## gemjo

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I havnt given up, I still have hope, I still love her and want to prove that I can be a good husband.


I truly believe that where there's a will there's a way...in your case OP its moving forward in the best way you both can. That way forward will change as the days, weeks and months move on....your wife can want one thing one day and probably another a few days later...so make allowances for this.

Even if I'd thrown my H out initially, providing that he did fight for me and our marriage, providing i could see evidence that he was still doing everything and anything to prove his love and dedication to me and our family.....providing he didn't make mistakes like thinking 'well that's that then, she made her mind up already, i lost that fight, i might as well stay as I am, i wont bother making the transfer in work, I don't really need to know why i messed up so i wont bother going to counselling' All these are massive issues you can still prove to your wife, even whilst you stay at your sisters. Don't go quiet, even if that's what she _says_ she wants, be ever present, email her your thoughts and hopes, txt her how she is she feeling, don't give up.

This is going to be hard for you to believe right now, and even harder for your wife...but marriages can become stronger through something as horrible as this......as both sides make more effort and don't take one another for granted....

Is your wife allowing you to contact her right now?


----------



## Michie

Edit.... I'm behind


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

We are in contact, texting each other, I don't know if we will get through this as a couple, i hope so. I'm finding it difficult not being with her right now, she wants time to think. I've realised the horrible choices I have made, and how much I love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gemjo

I believe the fact you are posting on here proves you want advice and want to do the right thing.

You are moving in the right direction, but even though your wife needs time to think you can also use this time wisely to put things into place that she can see you are actively doing what you can to begin to restore your life together.

Somebody suggested you make some calls to get yourself some counselling, that is great advice even if you feel it isn't your way....it will show your wife you are doing everything you can.

If you can email her your thoughts it will be up to her to read, but i feel she will do, but i think you need to be very open and forthcoming from an emotional point of view...i know most men find that hard, but its what your wife needs more than anything right now, your heart on the line.

It will help, trust me.

The thing i find hardest after learning my H cheated is feeling he thinks he's maybe done his bit in answering my questions, it isn't enough to answer what is asked....*but when he really opens up to me that means everything.* When words are written down it gives an opportunity to read without being interrupted and she can maybe find it easier to discuss things with you this way, instead of looking at you.

Worth a try?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

gemjo said:


> I believe the fact you are posting on here proves you want advice and want to do the right thing.
> 
> You are moving in the right direction, but even though your wife needs time to think you can also use this time wisely to put things into place that she can see you are actively doing what you can to begin to restore your life together.
> 
> Somebody suggested you make some calls to get yourself some counselling, that is great advice even if you feel it isn't your way....it will show your wife you are doing everything you can.
> 
> If you can email her your thoughts it will be up to her to read, but i feel she will do, but i think you need to be very open and forthcoming from an emotional point of view...i know most men find that hard, but its what your wife needs more than anything right now, your heart on the line.
> 
> It will help, trust me.
> 
> The thing i find hardest after learning my H cheated is feeling he thinks he's maybe done his bit in answering my questions, it isn't enough to answer what is asked....*but when he really opens up to me that means everything.* When words are written down it gives an opportunity to read without being interrupted and she can maybe find it easier to discuss things with you this way, instead of looking at you.
> 
> Worth a try?


It is worth doing, and we have been texting each other a lot the last couple of days. I know I need to open up more with her, and show her how much I want to be with her and only her. She has an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday and he wants me to come with her. So that is really good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> We are in contact, texting each other, I don't know if we will get through this as a couple,


Have you read "Codependents No More" yet?

Then there's no reason discussing anything until you have.


----------



## seeking sanity

Got somewhat caught up on this thread.

Mr Not so Right - You're really being stupid and screwing up your chances here.

You dismiss counselling. You say "I'll do whatever she wants". I should do this. I need to do that... But you take no initiative on your own.

What a bunch of [email protected] 

She looking at you to see if you are actually going to change. Waiting for her to tell you what to do, unfairly put the burden on her. She's 8 months pregnant and in a massive emotional upheveal. She has no capacity to tell you how you can make his right. 

Lead for christ sakes man.

Get you ass in counselling to figure out why the f#ck you did this. Give her all the passwords and what not. Proactively do something, whether she's watching or not. Become a BETTER PERSON regardless of what she does.

You're going to blow it.


----------



## DH1971

Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

seeking sanity said:


> Got somewhat caught up on this thread.
> 
> Mr Not so Right - You're really being stupid and screwing up your chances here.
> 
> You dismiss counselling. You say "I'll do whatever she wants". I should do this. I need to do that... But you take no initiative on your own.
> 
> What a bunch of [email protected]
> 
> She looking at you to see if you are actually going to change. Waiting for her to tell you what to do, unfairly put the burden on her. She's 8 months pregnant and in a massive emotional upheveal. She has no capacity to tell you how you can make his right.
> 
> Lead for christ sakes man.
> 
> Get you ass in counselling to figure out why the f#ck you did this. Give her all the passwords and what not. Proactively do something, whether she's watching or not. Become a BETTER PERSON regardless of what she does.
> 
> You're going to blow it.


Thanks for the advice. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, which is unacceptable. You are right, I need to be more pro active. Counselling was never something I would have considered, but I need to prove to her through actions now, not words. I need to sort myself out properly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

So ive been doing some research and came across the term " sex addiction". So I started reading up on it, looking at the symptoms of it, and realised I feel that way sometimes. Is this legit? Or just an excuse nowadays so people can have casual sex? Looking at the symptoms got me worried. I do have a very high sex drive, but don't most men? Just kind off thinking out loud here, maybe some counselling would be a good idea. How do you come to the conclusion you are a sex addict?


----------



## Michie

May sound silly, but I am hoping that the crack in the wall for you may appear once your wife has given birth. The absoulute onslaught on "love hormones" after delivering a child may a way for your wife to let go of some of her (justified) anger and let you in abit. She will be so overloaded with love, because she will be falling in love with the baby. Whatever happens be there for the birth!

As for sex addiction, I do not think you have any to worry about, but if you are really concerned seek advice from a mental health pro. DO NOT self diagnosis.


----------



## PBear

Mr.not.so.right said:


> So ive been doing some research and came across the term " sex addiction". So I started reading up on it, looking at the symptoms of it, and realised I feel that way sometimes. Is this legit? Or just an excuse nowadays so people can have casual sex? Looking at the symptoms got me worried. I do have a very high sex drive, but don't most men? Just kind off thinking out loud here, maybe some counselling would be a good idea. How do you come to the conclusion you are a sex addict?


Honestly, I think the term "sex addiction" is vastly over used, in particular by people who want an excuse for their bad behavior. There's a world of difference between "can't stop" and "won't stop" bad behavior. And until a professional therapist diagnoses the situation, I'd always side on someone "won't stop", most likely because they get some benefit from that behavior that outweighs the consequences.

In any case, even if someone has a sexual addiction, it's only going to get better when they seek help and commit to changing their behavior. If they're not willing to do that, they're just using their "addiction" as an excuse for their behavior. An addiction just means they have to work that much harder to overcome their instincts.

Also, having a few symptoms doesn't mean there's an addiction. After all, I often feel I could really really use a drink (often after a day's worth of meetings). But does that mean I'm an alcoholic? Considering I've got beer in my fridge that's almost a year old, I'd say no.

Anyway, I'm not judging. You're doing the right thing to look for answers for why you acted the way you did. But be careful you don't look for excuses and rationalizations. Use a therapist to help draw out your real reasons, if you need to. The willingness to see a therapist will help show your wife you're taking this seriously, especially compared to you just announcing to her "Hey, it's not my fault that cheated! I just found a website that says I might be a sex addict!". Not that you implied you would do such a thing! 

Good luck!

C


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Michie said:


> May sound silly, but I am hoping that the crack in the wall for you may appear once your wife has given birth. The absoulute onslaught on "love hormones" after delivering a child may a way for your wife to let go of some of her (justified) anger and let you in abit. She will be so overloaded with love, because she will be falling in love with the baby. Whatever happens be there for the birth!
> 
> As for sex addiction, I do not think you have any to worry about, but if you are really concerned seek advice from a mental health pro. DO NOT self diagnosis.


We are both really looking forward to meeting our baby, but I don't want her to take me back just because of the baby. She has already said she wants me there at the birth, which is positive


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> So ive been doing some research and came across the term " sex addiction". So I started reading up on it, looking at the symptoms of it, and realised I feel that way sometimes. Is this legit? Or just an excuse nowadays so people can have casual sex? Looking at the symptoms got me worried. I do have a very high sex drive, but don't most men? Just kind off thinking out loud here, maybe some counselling would be a good idea. How do you come to the conclusion you are a sex addict?


 I think if you brought this up to your wife right now just based off something you read online, she would probably see that more as you looking for something to blame it on rather than accept responsibility for poor behavior and choices. If you truly think it is that, then see someone who can actually diagnose you. If you think you might just be looking for a reason other than you made crappy choices, then continue to look for the "why" behind it all.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> I think if you brought this up to your wife right now just based off something you read online, she would probably see that more as you looking for something to blame it on rather than accept responsibility for poor behavior and choices. If you truly think it is that, then see someone who can actually diagnose you. If you think you might just be looking for a reason other than you made crappy choices, then continue to look for the "why" behind it all.


Maybe I am just looking for excuses, I think despite my previous beliefs I should talk to someone though, I need to make sure I never do anything like this again.


----------



## Michie

Mr.not.so.right said:


> We are both really looking forward to meeting our baby, but I don't want her to take me back just because of the baby. She has already said she wants me there at the birth, which is positive



I did not mean to imply that she should only take you back because of the baby. I meant that hopefully, that new love she will have for your child will extend alittle further to you as well, and leave her feeling more open to R.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Michie said:


> I did not mean to imply that she should only take you back because of the baby. I meant that hopefully, that new love she will have for your child will extend alittle further to you as well, and leave her feeling more open to R.


Thats the danger though, I don't her emotions to trick her into thinking she wants me back in her life.


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Maybe I am just looking for excuses, I think despite my previous beliefs I should talk to someone though, I need to make sure I never do anything like this again.


I'm not gonna say that you are, just that it would appear that way to her right now. If you think its a possibility, investigate it and go see someone. But don't approach the topic with her until you are certain and someone (besides yourself) has diagnosed you. You want to be genuine in your search


----------



## turnera

No, you're not addicted. Just have a selfish streak.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

turnera said:


> No, you're not addicted. Just have a selfish streak.


Unfortunately true


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> We are in contact, texting each other, I don't know if we will get through this as a couple, i hope so. I'm finding it difficult not being with her right now, she wants time to think. I've realised the horrible choices I have made, and how much I love her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know you sound a lot like my STBEH in this and other posts.

Part of the reason I filed, after an attempted R is my STBEH said similar things like he doesn't think I can get past the cheating, and not knowing what to do to fix it, yadda yadda

To me, it seemed like a lack of willingness to fix the mess he caused. 

It seemed like he had given up, wanted to give up and was actually hoping I would boot him. 

Now that I filed he is finally fighting for me, but alas, I think it is too late.

So please don't do what my STBEH did. Fight for your wife. 

You admit you are selfish and screwed up. You are right, prove to her you can change.


----------



## Sara8

PBear said:


> Honestly, I think the term "sex addiction" is vastly over used, in particular by people who want an excuse for their bad behavior. There's a world of difference between "can't stop" and "won't stop" bad behavior. And until a professional therapist diagnoses the situation, I'd always side on someone "won't stop", most likely because they get some benefit from that behavior that outweighs the consequences.
> 
> In any case, even if someone has a sexual addiction, it's only going to get better when they seek help and commit to changing their behavior. If they're not willing to do that, they're just using their "addiction" as an excuse for their behavior. An addiction just means they have to work that much harder to overcome their instincts.
> 
> Also, having a few symptoms doesn't mean there's an addiction. After all, I often feel I could really really use a drink (often after a day's worth of meetings). But does that mean I'm an alcoholic? Considering I've got beer in my fridge that's almost a year old, I'd say no.
> 
> Anyway, I'm not judging. You're doing the right thing to look for answers for why you acted the way you did. But be careful you don't look for excuses and rationalizations. Use a therapist to help draw out your real reasons, if you need to. The willingness to see a therapist will help show your wife you're taking this seriously, especially compared to you just announcing to her "Hey, it's not my fault that cheated! I just found a website that says I might be a sex addict!". Not that you implied you would do such a thing!
> 
> Good luck!
> 
> C


Agree. 

With that said, excessive porn viewing on the internet has been connected to an upswing in affairs. 

Viewing other people in a sexual way, is cheating too.

Also, it makes a person crave variety.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Sara8 said:


> Agree.
> 
> With that said, excessive porn viewing on the internet has been connected to an upswing in affairs.
> 
> Viewing other people in a sexual way, is cheating too.
> 
> Also, it makes a person crave variety.


Most who have probably read my posts on porn think I am ridiculous. I think that is a major problem that is minimized. Pornography affects the mind gravely. Do your own research on how it affects your frontal lobe and how dopamine can work against you. Dopamine is the driving force for everything we do from sex, to food to goals. If you're constantly using it for other mediocre non essential means then you are quenching the driving force (dopamine) to really focus on your goals. It affects your mind physically, chemically and physiologically, it affects the love affect because love is a chemical reaction in the brain in the raphe nuclei, testosterone receptors and dopamine in the lambic system. If you are involved with porn and masturbation my suggestion is to stop, others may justify their own reasons for it but there really is no reason or use/need for it. The body has other natural ways to "release" or deal with stress or you can deal with stress by extra curricular activities of your own.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Sara8 said:


> Agree.
> 
> With that said, excessive porn viewing on the internet has been connected to an upswing in affairs.
> 
> Viewing other people in a sexual way, is cheating too.
> 
> Also, it makes a person crave variety.


Right on. The more proper term would be NOVELTY in stead of variety. Dopamine loves novelty, the newer the better, the more exciting, the more thrilling it is, the more dopamine I need, after your body accustoms itself to that amount of dopamine it will need more or something new, something different, its a never ending spiral that porn and cheating involve jumping from one to the next to the next etc.


----------



## Sara8

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Right on. The more proper term would be NOVELTY in stead of variety. Dopamine loves novelty, the newer the better, the more exciting, the more thrilling it is, the more dopamine I need, after your body accustoms itself to that amount of dopamine it will need more or something new, something different, its a never ending spiral that porn and cheating involve jumping from one to the next to the next etc.


You are right, too. 

There is an article in science daily titled "this is your brain on porn" it says the same about dopamine and novelty. 

Dopamine is the addiction chemical, also released in drug addict, gambler, and other types of addictions. 

Also men's magazine talks about how porn viewing destroys a guys "mojo" as they put it, making it difficult for them to enjoy normal sex with a normal person. 

If a guy is excessively viewing porn, his wife will no longer satisfy him, and if he is not a very bright guy, instead of blaming the porn, he will blame his wife and cheat. 

The same goes for women, 

And internet porn causes the same issue in women.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Most who have probably read my posts on porn think I am ridiculous. I think that is a major problem that is minimized. Pornography affects the mind gravely. Do your own research on how it affects your frontal lobe and how dopamine can work against you. Dopamine is the driving force for everything we do from sex, to food to goals. If you're constantly using it for other mediocre non essential means then you are quenching the driving force (dopamine) to really focus on your goals. It affects your mind physically, chemically and physiologically, it affects the love affect because love is a chemical reaction in the brain in the raphe nuclei, testosterone receptors and dopamine in the lambic system. If you are involved with porn and masturbation my suggestion is to stop, others may justify their own reasons for it but there really is no reason or use/need for it. The body has other natural ways to "release" or deal with stress or you can deal with stress by extra curricular activities of your own.


I actually agree with you regarding porn, I do think I have at least a mild addiction to it, as I will view it almost everyday if I get the chance, I instantly feel guilty about it, My wife feels like it's also cheating. It makes me feel negative after viewing it, yet I keep doing it. 

I have decided to stop this, I'm fighting to stay in my marriage, I love my wife, and I need to change. Viewing porn is so destructive. 

I'm not for one second blaming porn on my cheating, but I don't think it is healthy at all. It puts thoughts in your head that can cause major problems in your relationship.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I actually agree with you regarding porn, I do think I have at least a mild addiction to it, as I will view it almost everyday if I get the chance, I instantly feel guilty about it, My wife feels like it's also cheating. It makes me feel negative after viewing it, yet I keep doing it.
> 
> I have decided to stop this, I'm fighting to stay in my marriage, I love my wife, and I need to change. Viewing porn is so destructive.
> 
> I'm not for one second blaming porn on my cheating, but I don't think it is healthy at all. It puts thoughts in your head that can cause major problems in your relationship.


Although some men may say that it does not affect their sex life I will firmly state that it affects their mind. Porn is not a plus in a relationship, its a false form of intimacy, a fantasy, an unhealthy form of pleasure. Porn and masturbation degrade the frontal lobe, it affects judgement, coordination, focus and memory access by the brain. The brain, in layman terms, adjusts itself for the affects of dopamine overloads, to creating more receptors (testosterone, dopamine receptors etc) activating the lambic system (reward circuitry) to neutralize the dopamine rushes, and it makes you, again in layman terms, immature. Frontal lobal defect, laziness, sleepiness, forgetting where you parked, or left your keys, or your wallet, or inability to focus and the rest mentioned above are few examples from the addiction.

It will take a brain addicted on porn 18 months after quitting to return to fully normal. Like any addiction, just stay away from it, give yourself time for the withdrawal to take affect, after a while the mind will stop expecting it, its just like changing your metabolism, the mind adjusts to your habits, so build good habits and drop the bad ones.


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Viewing porn is so destructive.


Especially to the wife.


----------



## turnera

Keep a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you think of going there, snap the rubber band.


----------



## Almostrecovered

turnera said:


> Keep a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you think of going there, snap the rubber band.


and if that doesn't work try this instead


----------



## turnera

*sigh*

Thanks a lot.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

turnera said:


> Especially to the wife.


Yes, that's what I ment, destructive to the relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, only been a couple of days but have really missed her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Michie

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thats the danger though, I don't her emotions to trick her into thinking she wants me back in her life.


The emotion she will be feeling will push to the forefront the desire to want her husband in her life, love hopefully eclipsing the anger and betrayal. It has nothing to do with tricking if it's genuwine and from her heart,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Michie said:


> The emotion she will be feeling will push to the forefront the desire to want her husband in her life, love hopefully eclipsing the anger and betrayal. It has nothing to do with tricking if it's genuwine and from her heart,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I truly hope so, we went for a checkup at doctors this morning and then went to lunch. Did some talking, everything was fine at the doctors which is a massive relief to bit of us. Also had a good talk about things, told her that I am going to sort out some counselling so that I can learn from this, she is happy I am doing this. It's been positive today, which gives us some hope


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I truly hope so, we went for a checkup at doctors this morning and then went to lunch. Did some talking, everything was fine at the doctors which is a massive relief to bit of us. Also had a good talk about things, told her that I am going to sort out some counselling so that I can learn from this, she is happy I am doing this. It's been positive today, which gives us some hope


FOLLOW THROUGH. She is paying attention, and if you told her you were going to get counseling, and a month later you still haven't started, she will lose faith and consider it an empty promise that you used to try and convince her to give you another shot. DO IT, don't play around, don't screw around.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> FOLLOW THROUGH. She is paying attention, and if you told her you were going to get counseling, and a month later you still haven't started, she will lose faith and consider it an empty promise that you used to try and convince her to give you another shot. DO IT, don't play around, don't screw around.


Yeah I will follow this through, I don't want to break my family up. I think she wants this work as well


----------



## DawnD

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Yeah I will follow this through, I don't want to break my family up. I think she wants this work as well


Its not to nag you, it is to help you realize that sometimes self pity can be paralyzing, and keeps you from doing what you can to save the marriage. Keep moving.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

DawnD said:


> Its not to nag you, it is to help you realize that sometimes self pity can be paralyzing, and keeps you from doing what you can to save the marriage. Keep moving.


I agree, I have realised that I need to be more pro active, I want her to see that I can change and be the person she thought she married. Long road ahead, but I'm hopeful again


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Been a long night tonight, hate being away from her. Going over in my head all the stupid stuff I have done. Angry at myself more than anything. Going to see my mother tomorrow. , she will give me such an ear full. Much needed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

Is there more 'stupid stuff' other than your yearlong affair? Stupid enough, I know, but wondering if your W is dealing with even more.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> Is there more 'stupid stuff' other than your yearlong affair? Stupid enough, I know, but wondering if your W is dealing with even more.


I've had my issues growing up, my wife is like my opposite in many ways, meeting her really changed my life for the better, then how do I repay her? By cheating on her. I really thought I had turned the corner then I blindly went down a path that I should have ran a mile from.


----------



## Acabado

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I've had my issues growing up, my wife is like my opposite in many ways, meeting her really changed my life for the better, then how do I repay her? By cheating on her. I really thought I had turned the corner then I blindly went down a path that I should have ran a mile from.


Clearly seeing the big picture. I think it's great.

ETA. Tell her. Tell her this. Tell her this is the last time she will be your savior, the last time you will disapoint her so badly.


----------



## alte Dame

This may not be worth much, but my instincts are saying that, if you stay really engaged and active in your attention and remorse, you might have a chance of R.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> This may not be worth much, but my instincts are saying that, if you stay really engaged and active in your attention and remorse, you might have a chance of R.


I hope so. If I can't grow up now I never will.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Wants me to come round to talk tonight, not sure what to expect


----------



## turnera

Above all, UTTER honesty. Anything she wants to know, give her the truth. Even if she asks if she looks fat in those jeans.


----------



## gemjo

Let us know how things are going......


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

gemjo said:


> Let us know how things are going......


Will do, I'm still living with my sister at the moment. Have been meeting up with my wife a couple of times a week and we text alit, things are going as well as can be expected. I got the transfer at work, so no OW anymore.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Just an update: I'm still living with my sister at the moment. Things on the work front are looking better, I got the transfer, so have no reason to be in contact with ow. My wife is still very upset about everything, and blows hot and cold with me. She has said that she dosnt want to just give up on her marriage, but that she dosnt know if she can forgive me yet. 

We have met up a number of times, doc appointments etc. Very close to having baby now, only 1 month away, its both exciting and scary for both of us. We discussed what would happen when the baby is born, and she said that she thinks she would want me to move back in so that we can both be there for our child but that id be in the spare room.


----------



## Goldmember357

it will end bad

leave now you destroyed her man. typically the cheater cheats again

oh such is life


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Goldmember357 said:


> it will end bad
> 
> leave now you destroyed her man. typically the cheater cheats again
> 
> oh such is life


I hope your wrong, but I understand that in terms of the marriage, there may be no way back. We are making progress, but a lot of that comes down to planning for the baby not necessarily our relationship. I think she wants to stay married but she might not be able to because she won't be able to forgive me


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Will do, I'm still living with my sister at the moment. Have been meeting up with my wife a couple of times a week and we text alit, things are going as well as can be expected. I got the transfer at work, so no OW anymore.


IMO, it would help to start treating your wife with the same if not more level of attention you were showing the OW. 

You need to date her and make her feel special again. 

This involves eating a lot of crow. 

Now is not the time to bring up any issues you feel she has. That comes later, once she feels safe. 

Your actions made your wife, feel unloved, unspecial, disposable, and very suspicious.

If you are not willing to eat crow for a couple of years, until she can feel safe again, than, yes, let her go, now.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> IMO, it would help to start treating your wife with the same if not more level of attention you were showing the OW.
> 
> You need to date her and make her feel special again.
> 
> This involves eating a lot of crow.
> 
> Now is not the time to bring up any issues you feel she has. That comes later, once she feels safe.
> 
> Your actions made your wife, feel unloved, unspecial, disposable, and very suspicious.
> 
> If you are not willing to eat crow for a couple of years, until she can feel safe again, than, yes, let her go, now.



I think you are right, I need to make my wife feel as special as she is to me, the way I should have been treating her rather than having an affair. In a way, start again.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I think you are right, I need to make my wife feel as special as she is to me, the way I should have been treating her rather than having an affair. In a way, start again.


I think it is a good sign that you are even able to articulate your feelings and what you need to do going forward. 

My STEH does not want the divorce and his lawyer keeps filing motions to delay the divorces finalization. 

But, my husband is still trying to use alpa games on me to get control. That is backfiring. 

Waywards need to understand how much harm they did to their spouse, and they need to woo the spouse back. 

If a wayward loves their spouse they will likely do this, if not, they will feel it is too much work.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> I think it is a good sign that you are even able to articulate your feelings and what you need to do going forward.
> 
> My STEH does not want the divorce and his lawyer keeps filing motions to delay the divorces finalization.
> 
> But, my husband is still trying to use alpa games on me to get control. That is backfiring.
> 
> Waywards need to understand how much harm they did to their spouse, and they need to woo the spouse back.
> 
> If a wayward loves their spouse they will likely do this, if not, they will feel it is too much work.



I do love her, I want her to know that again.


----------



## turnera

Before you try that, try to figure out what her love languages are. If you guess wrong, you will make things worse. Read The 5 Love Languages.


----------



## Sara8

Mr.not.so.right said:


> I do love her, I want her to know that again.


There are a lot of things you can do to make her feel secure and loved. 

Bring a single rose to your meetings, now and then.

Never tell her another lie about anything....not money, not friends, not women, etc. 

Be an open book. 

Do NOT blame her. Issues that bothered you in the marriage can be addressed later, after she heals from this trauma. 

Never ever contact the OW.

Never ever speak well of the Ow.

Frequently apologize and express regret over the affair choice. 

I do think some marriages can survive this is the wayward does not blameshift and does more work than the hurt spouses. 

Best wishes to you.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Sara8 said:


> There are a lot of things you can do to make her feel secure and loved.
> 
> Bring a single rose to your meetings, now and then.
> 
> Never tell her another lie about anything....not money, not friends, not women, etc.
> 
> Be an open book.
> 
> Do NOT blame her. Issues that bothered you in the marriage can be addressed later, after she heals from this trauma.
> 
> Never ever contact the OW.
> 
> Never ever speak well of the Ow.
> 
> Frequently apologize and express regret over the affair choice.
> 
> I do think some marriages can survive this is the wayward does not blameshift and does more work than the hurt spouses.
> 
> Best wishes to you.


Thank you.

I hope that we get through this more than anything. The good thing is that we get to meet our baby very soon. I hope she meant what she said about me moving back in when the baby is born, even if it is just to help out


----------



## alte Dame

There are people who successfully reconcile. She may forgive you, but she definitely will never forget the betrayal and the humiliation that she feels from what you did to her and your marriage.

Be abject and unswerving in your apology and dedication to her. Remember that one of the unintended consequences of your A is that you've created a different person in your wife. She knows that you are not the man the she thought you were, but she's not the woman you've always loved. You've made her stronger as a person & more likely to be able to live without you. You have to recognize that you are both dealing with a completely different relationship.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> There are people who successfully reconcile. She may forgive you, but she definitely will never forget the betrayal and the humiliation that she feels from what you did to her and your marriage.
> 
> Be abject and unswerving in your apology and dedication to her. Remember that one of the unintended consequences of your A is that you've created a different person in your wife. She knows that you are not the man the she thought you were, but she's not the woman you've always loved. You've made her stronger as a person & more likely to be able to live without you. You have to recognize that you are both dealing with a completely different relationship.



For sure, things will be different, I just hope that we both come out the other side still together. I realise that it may be too little too late from me, but I want to prove to her that I can be a good husband and father. I just hope she gives me the chance


----------



## alte Dame

She sounds like she's thinking about trying to give you a chance.

What's sad for me is that the baby will come & you will look at your family & be even more incredulous about what you've done. 

I'm really pulling for you. I give you credit for confessing and taking the consequences. At that point, you treated your wife with respect. I'm hoping the two of you can work your way through.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> She sounds like she's thinking about trying to give you a chance.
> 
> What's sad for me is that the baby will come & you will look at your family & be even more incredulous about what you've done.
> 
> I'm really pulling for you. I give you credit for confessing and taking the consequences. At that point, you treated your wife with respect. I'm hoping the two of you can work your way through.


Thanks, that means a lot. Ive got some great advice on this forum and it's helping to post here about things. I have made some big changes in my life already, but still have some way to go. It's sickening to me to see what I have done, that it's taken this for me to realise I love her and want only her. Also, the type of person she is, certainly didn't deserve to have a cheating husband


----------



## cpacan

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thanks, that means a lot. Ive got some great advice on this forum and it's helping to post here about things. I have made some big changes in my life already, but still have some way to go. It's sickening to me to see what I have done, that it's taken this for me to realise I love her and want only her. Also, the type of person she is, certainly didn't deserve to have a cheating husband


Feel free to tell us about which changes you have made and which challenges you face. Could be therapeutical to you, you could get feedback and help others in similar situations.

Take care, you can do this.


----------



## Acabado

Goldmember357 said:


> it will end bad
> 
> leave now you destroyed her man. typically the cheater cheats again
> 
> oh such is life


Reject this notion. "Once a cheater always a cheater" only is truth if you justufy yourself, expuse yourself, refuse to be accountable, avoid reponsability, refuse to change. Poeple change all the time if the want it enough.
Remorse promote change, outward (toward your wife, making amends, assisting on her healing...) and inward (self improvement, self examination, soul searching, enforcing personal boundaries, commiting to your core values...). If you are remorseful enough you won't cheat ever again, no matter the outcome of your marriage.
Just never give up on you. Set high stardars for yourself. You will be OK.


----------



## alte Dame

Acabado said:


> Reject this notion. "Once a cheater always a cheater" only is truth if you justufy yourself, expuse yourself, refuse to be accountable, avoid reponsability, refuse to change. Poeple change all the time if the want it enough.


I agree completely. People can change. They can choose not to be completely selfish and then act on that choice. This honors the other people in their lives.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> I agree completely. People can change. They can choose not to be completely selfish and then act on that choice. This honors the other people in their lives.


Yeah, i firmly believe that people can change their ways for the better. Sometimes it takes making mistakes to wake up and see what you are doing is wrong and selfish.


----------



## georgia girl

Just wondering. In the begging you said that you did not find her atractive any more. Has that changed?


----------



## alte Dame

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Yeah, i firmly believe that people can change their ways for the better. Sometimes it takes making mistakes to wake up and see what you are doing is wrong and selfish.


I'm just curious (you may have said this already in this thread, but I don't remember), but what happened, Mr. Nsr, to wake you up after an affair that went on so long?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

georgia girl said:


> Just wondering. In the begging you said that you did not find her atractive any more. Has that changed?


I regret saying that, she has always struggled with her weight, but I do find her attractive, it sounded so blunt the way I typed it.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> I'm just curious (you may have said this already in this thread, but I don't remember), but what happened, Mr. Nsr, to wake you up after an affair that went on so long?


I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew the whole way through that I didn't want to leave my wife, I was wrapped up in my own selfishness for so long, it came to a point that I couldn't do it anymore. I never stopped loving my wife, I knew she was the girl I wanted. It just troubles me that it took me so long to get a grip of myself and see what I had to lose


----------



## turnera

Mr.not.so.right said:


> It just troubles me that it took me so long to get a grip of myself and see what I had to lose


I wish more people would see this and understand that it is THIS - the fact that you might lose something important - that turns the trick.

That's why early strong stance is about the only thing that works, usually. The BS threatening to take their toys (or kids) and go home if the cheating doesn't stop. We tell people til we're blue in the face, and most people just can't do it.


----------



## alte Dame

turnera said:


> That's why early strong stance is about the only thing that works, usually. The BS threatening to take their toys (or kids) and go home if the cheating doesn't stop. We tell people til we're blue in the face, and most people just can't do it.


I agree completely. There's a concurrent thread here that has reached a critical point that could have been avoided, imo, if the BS had said a long time ago, "I've told you how I feel. You won't stop. You want her, you can have her. I get the kids. I wish you luck.'

Mr. Nsr has learned the hardest way that thinking something is 'just physical,' is never really true. Even if there's absolutely no emotional attachment to the AP on the part of the WS, there's complete emotional devastation for the BS. And if the BS doesn't find out, there's lifelong guilt or fear of discovery for the WS.

It's too bad that that realization hit so late for Mr. Nsr, but again, he was respectful enough of his wife to confess. I'm really hoping they can put this back together.


----------



## Acabado

Mr.not.so.right, you did wrong, very wrong for so long.
Then your conscience got the better of you, you stopped, you confessed, you are doing your best to help your wife, you are examining, searching your soul, you are doing it from a place of humility...
That's exactly what every BS hope from as their waywards can't undo the damage.
Keep the fight, don't give up on your family, don't give up on you, ever.

You have a PM.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Acabado said:


> Mr.not.so.right, you did wrong, very wrong for so long.
> Then your conscience got the better of you, you stopped, you confessed, you are doing your best to help your wife, you are examining, searching your soul, you are doing it from a place of humility...
> That's exactly what every BS hope from as their waywards can't undo the damage.
> Keep the fight, don't give up on your family, don't give up on you, ever.
> 
> You have a PM.



I have made progress personally, but it's still very disappointing that I was so selfish and weak, there is a long way to go for me, I hope my wife can somehow allow me to be her husband again, I know I can get it right and be there for her this time, only time will tell
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

How are things going?


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

alte Dame said:


> How are things going?


Well the baby is due any time now, which is both exciting and scary for both of us, my wife has asked me to move back in, which happened just a little over 2 weeks ago, to help her out and get ready for our baby coming home. She says that she dosnt want me out of her life an still loves me, but says that she dosnt know if she can forgive me. I'm in the spare room, a couple of nights she wanted me to stay with her which was nice, I'm just letting her call the shots right now, hoping that we can overcome what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

I wish you the best in this. Being a father will transform you, I bet. It will make you wonder even more how you could have carried on an A for so long.

If you have time after the baby's born, please let us know how you are all doing.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Just an update, we have had the baby, a little boy. Things have been a bit hectic as we get used to bein parents. My wife is coping really well, she says she wants our marriage to work, things are still very difficult but improving. Seeing what I have to lose makes me wonder how I ever got into this situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Congratulations!


----------



## alte Dame

Oh! This made me smile on a very dreary morning. Many congratulations to you and your family!

Keep the faith, Mr. Nsr.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

Thanks guys, being here has really helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Thanks guys, being here has really helped.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank her for the second chance and congratulations. Sis had a baby boy in july we all love him my 15yr old d adores her little cousin.


----------



## Mr.not.so.right

tom67 said:


> Thank her for the second chance and congratulations. Sis had a baby boy in july we all love him my 15yr old d adores her little cousin.


Yeah, I owe her everything. She's a far better person than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Great update man.
Congratulations!
Fight the good fight.


----------



## jim123

Mr.not.so.right said:


> Yeah, I owe her everything. She's a far better person than me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congrats. Try to change that. Live every day as a gift because it is.


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

You are concerned about how the confession will affect your wife's pregnancy, were you concerned of how an affair would affect your marriage?

Perhaps this would've been easier, if you would've confessed to your wife you were no longer attracted to her...before you also got her pregnant, and may now be leaving her with a little souvenir of her marriage with you.

If this were the other way around, would you give your wife another chance?


----------



## Acabado

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> You are concerned about how the confession will affect your wife's pregnancy, were you concerned of how an affair would affect your marriage?
> 
> Perhaps this would've been easier, if you would've confessed to your wife you were no longer attracted to her...before you also got her pregnant, and may now be leaving her with a little souvenir of her marriage with you.
> 
> If this were the other way around, would you give your wife another chance?


OP just came back to update us about her wife just gave birth.


----------



## alte Dame

Just pinging you to check in. How are things going?


----------

