# " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" what does it mean?



## hoping4better

really interested in other perspectives here. Ive been told that lately, and trying to figure it out, does it mean that my wife sees me more like a good friend, brother etc rather than a husband? Ive been thinking abut this for days now and really getting wound up by it, what do you think?


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## Syrum

I would say it very likely means an affair.

Other option is you have very badly disconnected from each other and she feels no sexual attraction to you any more.

What is/ was your marriage and sex life like before this?


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## chillymorn

the beginning of the end.


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## hoping4better

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hoping4better

We've been having problems and going to counseling, no sex for the last few months. I firmly believe there is no affair involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

The times I've seen the ILYBINILWY uttered, sadly, there is almost always a 3rd party involved.


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## stumblealong

Affair? Maybe. But this is the way I feel about my man, no 3rd party involved. Just don't love him in that way anymore. I care about him, don't want him hurt, hence the reason I've stayed. It sucks, but there it is. 

hoping4better...I hope it does get better.


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## Prodigal

Even if there isn't a third party involved, to me it means, "I think you're a great person, but I am no longer interested in an intimate relationship with you - sexually or emotionally."


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## Jellybeans

Prodigal said:


> Even if there isn't a third party involved, to me it means, "I think you're a great person, but I am no longer interested in an intimate relationship with you - sexually or emotionally."


Yep. It's this. And it's better to cut it off 100% instead of stringing the other person along.


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## hoping4better

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zulu

hoping4better said:


> ....does it mean that my wife sees me more like a good friend, brother etc rather than a husband?


10:1 it means that she has or has had a physical relationship with someone and she is saying it to placate her guilt.

She is having an affair. That is it. Old story. 

You believe that there is no affair involved because you do not want to believe that there is and you do not want to believe that she is capable of having sex with another man. That is the standard thing they say.... time to go inspector Colombo on her and you will get your answers, if she is having an affair, your councilling will not help you one grain, she is doing it to try and cover herself.


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## hoping4better

Seems it's much worse than I thought, we have 2 kids. I've witnessed divorce before ( my parents) and so has she. This is not I want to end up but also cannot imagine going on I definitely in a relationship where my wife feels that she doesn't love me that way and where we have no intimancy. Not really sure what to do next that I haven't already done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zulu

So, how does her clothes cupboard look, lots of new stuff, new lingerie, new haircut, suddenly going to gym, unexplained absenses, lots of work functions that husbands are not invited to, ah the list goes on....

Do nothing... she is obviously in her fog and will have to wait till she has an epiphany.... 

I can't believe I am where I am now, looking back, when I was in your shoes, man o man, wishing you all strength and patience, you will need it... and remember, it does get better!!!


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## Zulu

Jellybeans said:


> The times I've seen the ILYBINILWY uttered, sadly, there is almost always a 3rd party involved.


I think the number of times that there is NOT a 3rd party involved are few and far between.... ILYBINILWY= 3rd party.


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## magnoliagal

Sadly on this forum I've yet to see this mean anything other than there is someone else. Maybe not even a physical relationship just a close emotional one.


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## hoping4better

If there is one thing I would bet my life on about my wife it would be her absolutly rock solid moral values ( part of why I love her) so I absolutely am confident there is no 3rd party involved. Apart from my trust in her it would be almost practically impossible, we work at the same place, she rarely goes out by herself or comes home late etc... Now she might be talking to her sisters or friends About our issuesThrough email and what not, though I seriously doubt it, but if that's the case they may be empowering or validating her feelings towards me and not helping that way, that would be the extent of it if any
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

hoping4better said:


> really interested in other perspectives here. Ive been told that lately, and trying to figure it out, does it mean that my wife sees me more like a good friend, brother etc rather than a husband? Ive been thinking abut this for days now and really getting wound up by it, what do you think?


Married Man Sex Life

The above link and the associated book are worth a look.
Very often the ILYBIANILWY means an affair. Someone else is providing the excitement for your spouse. The dopamine and some amount of oxytocin. It is easy to fall into a just friends situation with your partner. You are provding some amount of comfort and meeting some needs and therefore there is some oxytocin.

I reached a point in my marriage where I was falling into some of this. I tend to be a workaholic. Anyway, I decided I needed to take action. I read the book above and joined TAM. 

This worked pretty mcuh instantly. Meaning I have been able to reconnect with my wife and there is romance and so on. I have fallen back in love with her. She is digging it and reciprocating.

I suggest you give this a try.

Also His Needs Her Needs is essential for couples in my opinion.


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## hoping4better

Thanks entropy will definitely read that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

On this forum and others I've read (for eons now), when ILYBINILWY has been stated to the spouse posting the thread, almost every single time, there has been an affair happening. Or something involving a 3rd party.


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## marksaysay

hoping4better said:


> If there is one thing I would bet my life on about my wife it would be her absolutly rock solid moral values ( part of why I love her) so I absolutely am confident there is no 3rd party involved. Apart from my trust in her it would be almost practically impossible, we work at the same place, she rarely goes out by herself or comes home late etc... Now she might be talking to her sisters or friends About our issuesThrough email and what not, though I seriously doubt it, but if that's the case they may be empowering or validating her feelings towards me and not helping that way, that would be the extent of it if any
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was exactly how I felt about my wife. She was faithful to her church before we met. She continued to go even when I was in my "prodigal son" phase, as I called it. She was the church secretary. She did all the right things. We had even discussed on a couple of occasions that neither of us would cheat on the other but we would end our relationship if it got that bad. Guess what? When I got that speech, she had already cheated. It took months for it to actually come out because I refused to believe she would ever do such a thing, but she did. Don't ever think that someone is incapable of cheating.


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## FaithHopeLove

When I've said this to a guy, I have never cheated on the guy = there was no 3rd party. Instead what it meant for me was that the guy was someone I really cared about, but for whatever reason was not bringing that spark, that interest into our relationship. The passion to stay together and continue on together in a relationship was lost. 

I've also said it to guys before and they took it as a hint and started to add new things to our relationship and be a little more sensitive with how I like to be shown love. 

Just wanted to share a girl's who has said this before view.


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## stumblealong

WhiteRabbit said:


> This is what is so frustrating about this forum. No one knows a whole heck of a lot about what's going on with this man or his wife (unless I've missed some huge thread about it) and automatically everyone is telling this poor guy his wife is likely cheating.
> 
> Just because a woman falls out of love with someone doesn't always mean she is riding the hobby horse with someone else. Yes, it CAN be an excuse to cover up an affair. BUT that doesn't automatically mean that's what it is.
> 
> I've seen many married couples who start out totally in love...then they don't continue making the efforts to stay IN love. Then they find themselves in more of a loving companion relationship rather than an in love situation.
> 
> I feel like people are so jaded that everything a spouse does looks like an affair or everything they say means they're having an affair.
> 
> Don't assume her saying this means she is having an affair. Is it a possibility? YES. Is it a an automatic neon sign confirming it? NO.


THANK YOU! I was almost convinced i was cheating and just missed out on all the action or something. I fell out of love with my man because he is an alcoholic...pain and simple...no one else involved. Even if this statement means an affair 99% of the time, what about that 1%. 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you hoping. Speaking for myself, I've gone through emotional changes, re-evaluating my life, and trying to find what would make me happy. Maybe your W is depressed, feels emotionally disconnected from you and even others. Right now I feel emotionally disconnected from everyone in my life. Is she withdrawing?


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## Jellybeans

i was just thinking, I hav enever said ILYBINILWY to anyone before.

OP--maybe your wife isn't cheating on you. It's just again, I've rarely seen those words w/o an affair happening after studying hundreds of these types of threads. Nonetheless, she obviously feels a disconnect if she's said that to you. To me, it means she doesn't see you as a romantic partner anymore.

What are you guys planning to do?


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> On this forum and others I've read (for eons now), when ILYBINILWY has been stated to the spouse posting the thread, almost every single time, there has been an affair happening. Or something involving a 3rd party.


:iagree:

And most spouses think there is zero chance of that happening. It is just not like their spouse. Their spouse has too much character and so on. Sigh. Affairs are an addiction.

The takeaway is to improve yourself. The MMSL is part of that. It is also enlightening background information.

HNHN is something I think couples need to do at some point. But the spouse have to be motivated to do so. It is a reasoning thing. If one of the partners is in an affair you cannot reason with them alone so this is not the first approach.

So I think the OP should do some investigation. i.e. look at thier spouses emails, facebook, texting and call phione calls.

Yes this is snooping, but it is righteous snooping. One needs to eliminate first whether there is a thrid party in their marriage.

This article is the most appropriate right now ... today:

Married Man Sex Life: Always Actively Rule Out Another Man


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## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And most spouses think there is zero chance of that happening. It is just not like their spouse. Their spouse has too much character and so on.


You mean, like this?:



hoping4better said:


> If there is one thing I would bet my life on about my wife it would be her absolutly rock solid moral values ( part of why I love her) so I absolutely am confident there is no 3rd party involved. Apart from my trust in her it would be almost practically impossible, we work at the same place, she rarely goes out by herself or comes home late etc...


Oh and I do like the term "righteous snooping."


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## Entropy3000

WhiteRabbit said:


> This is what is so frustrating about this forum. No one knows a whole heck of a lot about what's going on with this man or his wife (unless I've missed some huge thread about it) and automatically everyone is telling this poor guy his wife is likely cheating.
> 
> Just because a woman falls out of love with someone doesn't always mean she is riding the hobby horse with someone else. Yes, it CAN be an excuse to cover up an affair. BUT that doesn't automatically mean that's what it is.
> 
> I've seen many married couples who start out totally in love...then they don't continue making the efforts to stay IN love. Then they find themselves in more of a loving companion relationship rather than an in love situation.
> 
> I feel like people are so jaded that everything a spouse does looks like an affair or everything they say means they're having an affair.
> 
> Don't assume her saying this means she is having an affair. Is it a possibility? YES. Is it a an automatic neon sign confirming it? NO.


I understand your feeling. I would just suggest that he rule out the cheating with some reasonable investigation. You have to know what you are up against. The "fix" if you will, depends on this answer. In any case one needs to improve themselves, but that takes some time. If there is an affair, early detection is critical. I think that is why there is an urgency to this. I don't think it is just being jaded. You do make a reasonable point about it and many of us are quick on the trigger to jump to affair. So often spouses do not want to believe this a possibilty so they do not do the due diligence to rule it out. That is natural but not in their best interests.

I also think if an affair is ruled out doing the man-up with His Needs Her Needs is a good thing. You need to be attractive to your partner and you need to meet their needs. It is just that meeting needs is secondary if they are in an affair.

One should not be jumping to the conclusion that there is an affair. I would not be accusing anyone of anything. That would be counter production. Just do some simple covert checking. I believe in transparency. There hsould be no secrets. That is just me.


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> You mean, like this?:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh and I do like the term "righteous snooping."


Well it is really an act of love. It gets a bad rap. It is one spouse looking after another. We should not assume that if there is an EA going on it was something that our partner was looking for. They could be in the beginnings of an EA and not realizing it. But it would impact their feelings for their spouse. EAs tend to feel OK. At least early on.


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## Entropy3000

FaithHopeLove said:


> When I've said this to a guy, I have never cheated on the guy = there was no 3rd party. Instead what it meant for me was that the guy was someone I really cared about, but for whatever reason was not bringing that spark, that interest into our relationship. The passion to stay together and continue on together in a relationship was lost.
> 
> I've also said it to guys before and they took it as a hint and started to add new things to our relationship and be a little more sensitive with how I like to be shown love.
> 
> Just wanted to share a girl's who has said this before view.


Good stuff. And this is what we would hope to find. That can be addressed by the husband in this case. He can change. He would need to change. Then this comment is merely the wife communicating with him. A very positive thing. This is where that MMSL comes in. One should not just assume it however. They can move ahead with the change but in parallel do some validating.


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## Entropy3000

stumblealong said:


> THANK YOU! I was almost convinced i was cheating and just missed out on all the action or something. I fell out of love with my man because he is an alcoholic...pain and simple...no one else involved. Even if this statement means an affair 99% of the time, *what about that 1%. *
> 
> I'm sorry that this is happening to you hoping. Speaking for myself, I've gone through emotional changes, re-evaluating my life, and trying to find what would make me happy. Maybe your W is depressed, feels emotionally disconnected from you and even others. Right now I feel emotionally disconnected from everyone in my life. Is she withdrawing?


Well clearly it is way more than 1%. Who knows? I think you work this in parallel. You don't assume either way because you can start working on the most positive possibility and in the background validate. It would indeed be totally destructive to completely assume an affair. Likewise to assume not. Work both aspects with eyes wide open. Trust but verify.

At a bare minimum if our spouses needs are not met, they are more vulnerable to an EA. That is not a slam on anyones character. People need love and affection. They do not have to go looking to be unfaithful to be vulnerable and get involved in the gray areas. It is emotional / chemical. Good people can become vulnerable. Their spouse needs to not let them get that way if they can help it. That is the basis of His Needs Her Needs. Setting boundaries can help. Also addressed with HNHN.

I keep pushing HNHN because my wife and I did it together and it was enlightining and has helped us no end.


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## hoping4better

Thanks for the advice, we did his needs her needs, sure it helped a bit but not a whole lot. I ordered the MMSL hopefully it proves more successful. I am committed to making progress doing lots if reading on my own, goon to individual and marriage counseling, lurking on this forum etc... For some reason I'm still not hitting the mark and can't really figure out whenever reason is? But that's. Whole other thread I guess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

hoping4better said:


> Thanks for the advice, we did his needs her needs, sure it helped a bit but not a whole lot. I ordered the MMSL hopefully it proves more successful. I am committed to making progress doing lots if reading on my own, goon to individual and marriage counseling, lurking on this forum etc... For some reason I'm still not hitting the mark and can't really figure out whenever reason is? But that's. Whole other thread I guess
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am glad you did the HNHN. This just tells us that this was not the major issue. It was probably a good foundation none-the-less. So HNHN -- check.

HNHN is heavy on the Beat traits. The MMSL is for the balance that we need for our Alpha side. We need both. MMSL is about the attraction / In Love part.

I read the book. It helped lay things out in a logical progression. But just going through his blog is helpful. You can just peruse topics and read what strikes your fancy. They are little tidbits. Some apply and some don't.
Good Luck.


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## southbound

Prodigal said:


> Even if there isn't a third party involved, to me it means, "I think you're a great person, but I am no longer interested in an intimate relationship with you - sexually or emotionally."


Do you agree that once this stage is reached, nothing else matters? No matter what other positives are present, this lack of feeling outweighs everything?


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## Jellybeans

southbound said:


> Do you agree that once this stage is reached, nothing else matters? No matter what other positives are present, this lack of feeling outweighs everything?


I generally think that when someone is done, they are done.

BUT there are some people that realize they do want their relationship & will not end it. 

It all depends on the wayward.


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## SunnyT

Read up about Midlife Crisis. On a midlife crisis forum that I'm on, this ILYBANILWY is the prelude to "the speech". 

You educate yourself as much as you can. You listen to her as much as you can. You focus on yourself and your family, pretty much just giving her some space. The idea is, if she is having a "crisis of self" or identity crisis of some sort, then its all about her anyway, not about you or your marriage. 

Of course, this in no way helps you. You end up being part of the collateral damage. Take care of yourself, don't push her, and don't fall apart just because she is. You may not be able to "fix this"... but you can certainly make it worse. SHE has a problem, she has to find her way. I'd suggest IC for her...and for yourself. 

Good luck.... there's no telling how this is going to play out.


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## southbound

SunnyT said:


> Read up about Midlife Crisis. On a midlife crisis forum that I'm on, this ILYBANILWY is the prelude to "the speech".
> 
> You educate yourself as much as you can. You listen to her as much as you can. You focus on yourself and your family, pretty much just giving her some space. The idea is, if she is having a "crisis of self" or identity crisis of some sort, then its all about her anyway, not about you or your marriage.
> 
> Of course, this in no way helps you. You end up being part of the collateral damage. Take care of yourself, don't push her, and don't fall apart just because she is. You may not be able to "fix this"... but you can certainly make it worse. SHE has a problem, she has to find her way. I'd suggest IC for her...and for yourself.
> 
> Good luck.... there's no telling how this is going to play out.


This could be the case with my x. She actually told me once that there was nothing I could do to make it better, but I could make it worse. That puts a guy in a great position. What is this Midlife forum you are on? I'd like to give it a look.


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## SimplyAmorous

SunnyT said:


> On a midlife crisis forum that I'm on.


That would be a very interesting forum, can you give a link? 

I bought 2 books on Mid Life crisis's a little while back, only read a handful of pages out of each , but it is a fasinating subject . People can do some CCRRAAAZZZZZYYYYY things during that time. Good if they can spread their wings a little, then settle back down and think "God, that was a RUSH" & can laugh about it feeling they got something out of their system....

But others seem to make some horrendous choices , feeling they have to overhaul their whole lives & spouses , only to wake up a few years later damning themselves for being so stupid. 

It could go either way. I feel these crisis's serve an important purpose though, some people finally FIND themselves, their passion in life, so they can live it out before their GOlden years -and look back with little regrets. 


Would love to read some stories on there.


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## SunnyT

The link is: Login

It really is a great support group, I've met some awesome people in the chat room there, met quite a few in person, did some growing myself thru the trials and tribulations of my own divorce, and .... met my current husband there. 

They can't solve it for ya, but they have certainly btdt. When you read the forum, you realize how common/textbook the situations are. All the same, but of course different/personal! Still, alot of info and alot of good ideas for coping and growing.


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## HappyAtLast

I wish I had good news for you, but I have to agree with the majority here and sadly say that it's most likely a EA, PA or both.
I'm sorry.


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## Lea2407

> Read up about Midlife Crisis. On a midlife crisis forum that I'm on, this ILYBANILWY is the prelude to "the speech".
> 
> You educate yourself as much as you can. You listen to her as much as you can. You focus on yourself and your family, pretty much just giving her some space. The idea is, if she is having a "crisis of self" or identity crisis of some sort, then its all about her anyway, not about you or your marriage.
> 
> Of course, this in no way helps you. You end up being part of the collateral damage. Take care of yourself, don't push her, and don't fall apart just because she is. You may not be able to "fix this"... but you can certainly make it worse. SHE has a problem, she has to find her way. I'd suggest IC for her...and for yourself.


:iagree: 

I'd also like to say that you can go through this type of identity crisis at any age. My husband and I are both under 30, married for 9 years and have each gone through this type of situation at different times where we questioned whether or not the marriage was the right choice for us, and tons of other issues in our lives. 

What helped us get through these times without giving up on each other was making the decision that we would make sure we were both happy, no matter what, even if that means we have to let go of the marriage. However, you have to try everything else before you decide that it's actually your marriage. Once we started really looking at the situation and trying to decide what would truly make us happy, we realized that we didn't need out of the relationship, we just needed to make some changes. 

I don't know if this is the same situation for you and your wife, but maybe she just needs to know that how her life is right now isn't how it always has to be. It can help to talk to her and see if there are any other issues, especially in regards to your relationship. Make sure you really listen to what she tells you and reassure her that you don't want to live your life unhappy and you don't want her to either, so both of you can work together to make sure that doesn't happen. 

Your wife obviously said that she still loves you, even if she's not feeling the spark anymore. I truly believe that you can get that back again. Of course, this is only if your wife is willing to work on it, but I don't think that you should lose hope yet. Just don't let this become all about her. You deserve as much happiness as she does, so take this time to think about your own needs/wants as well. Are you happy with your relationship/life? Do you want to make some changes? 

I'd also like to say that I completely respect the trust you have in your wife. My husband and I are the same way. I have never doubted him, and it would probably take me walking in on him in the middle of the affair to make me question him. There's obviously a lot of people on this forum that have experienced the affects of affairs on both sides, and I'm sure I'd have a different outlook on my next marriage if I found out my current husband cheated. 

However, the way I look at it, I can't control my husband. If he cheats on me, I'm sure I'll be devastated and at that point I'll have to decide how I want to deal with the situation. Until that time, what good does it do to always assume the worst of your spouse? How does that make the situation better? I just do not have the energy to analyze every little thing my husband does and says. I'd rather spend my time enjoying our relationship. I'm sure a lot of people would say that's naive, but I believe that distrust can tear apart a relationship the same as an affair. So again, I personally think it's great that you're not automatically jumping to conclusions.


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## luvlost

hoping4better said:


> We've been having problems and going to counseling, no sex for the last few months. I firmly believe there is no affair involved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is possible that she is not having an affair. YET!! More then likely she has thought about it whether there is 1 particular person she has in mind or not... I said the same thing to ex-husband at almost 10 years of marriage. I had thought about an affair. However we had had some problems after our daughter was about 10months old. He did something that I didn't realize till a year later I just would never forget. he didn't cheat but the thought & emails were there... we just grew apart & I fell out of love with him. Sure I still love him but its because he is the father of my child. He tried & tried to not let me go but I was done. The sad thing is most of the time with women once we lose it its gone... I am very sorry you are going through this but you might as well just step up & let her go if thats what she really wants... Good luck to you


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## hoping4better

Thanks she says she wants to work on the marriage and get it back on track and I believe her. She is going to individual therapy too. I am starting to relate to this notion of mid life identity. she mentioned on different occasions that she is "maturing and growing" she is reflecting on some key incidents in her life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MGirl

WhiteRabbit said:


> This is what is so frustrating about this forum. No one knows a whole heck of a lot about what's going on with this man or his wife (unless I've missed some huge thread about it) and automatically everyone is telling this poor guy his wife is likely cheating.
> 
> I've seen many married couples who start out totally in love...then they don't continue making the efforts to stay IN love. Then they find themselves in more of a loving companion relationship rather than an in love situation.


:iagree:

I pulled the "ILYBINILWY" with my husband several months back and wasn't and have never been even close to involved in an affair. I just didn't recognize that our marriage needed a LOT of work. We were so disconnected and the attraction level had reached zero. I had a plethora of my own issues to boot. But nothing associated with an affair or any other person. That's what it meant when I said it. NO affair involved in my case.


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## Zulu

SunnyT said:


> Read up about Midlife Crisis. On a midlife crisis forum that I'm on, this ILYBANILWY is the prelude to "the speech".
> 
> You educate yourself as much as you can. You listen to her as much as you can. You focus on yourself and your family, pretty much just giving her some space. The idea is, if she is having a "crisis of self" or identity crisis of some sort, then its all about her anyway, not about you or your marriage.
> 
> Of course, this in no way helps you. You end up being part of the collateral damage. Take care of yourself, don't push her, and don't fall apart just because she is. You may not be able to "fix this"... but you can certainly make it worse. SHE has a problem, she has to find her way. I'd suggest IC for her...and for yourself.
> 
> Good luck.... there's no telling how this is going to play out.





SimplyAmorous said:


> That would be a very interesting forum, can you give a link?
> 
> I bought 2 books on Mid Life crisis's a little while back, only read a handful of pages out of each , but it is a fasinating subject . People can do some CCRRAAAZZZZZYYYYY things during that time. Good if they can spread their wings a little, then settle back down and think "God, that was a RUSH" & can laugh about it feeling they got something out of their system....
> 
> But others seem to make some horrendous choices , feeling they have to overhaul their whole lives & spouses , only to wake up a few years later damning themselves for being so stupid.
> 
> It could go either way. I feel these crisis's serve an important purpose though, some people finally FIND themselves, their passion in life, so they can live it out before their GOlden years -and look back with little regrets.
> 
> 
> Would love to read some stories on there.



SunnyT & Simply, I just had to check that you are actually in the USofA, because what you have said here, was the precise, verbatim, what I was told by a councillor here in Cape Town.....


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## SunnyT

*SunnyT & Simply, I just had to check that you are actually in the USofA, because what you have said here, was the precise, verbatim, what I was told by a councillor here in Cape Town.....*

The people at the Midlife Crisis Forum are from all over the world. It's fun to chat in the chatroom there with folks from Australia, New Zealand, Holland, UK, Canada, and Brazil.... and of course, from all over the U.S. 

Love and marriage is similar everywhere it seems.


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## Zulu

SunnyT said:


> Love and marriage is similar everywhere it seems.


Ha Ha, it most definitely is.... :iagree:


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## Parrothead

hoping4better said:


> really interested in other perspectives here. Ive been told that lately, and trying to figure it out, does it mean that my wife sees me more like a good friend, brother etc rather than a husband? Ive been thinking abut this for days now and really getting wound up by it, what do you think?


It means, "I don't love you".


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## ladybird

It means just what it means... She is not in love with you... Does it mean she is having an affair. Possibly!

I am not in love with my h anymore and haven't been for 2 years... People grow apart. It happens.


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## wantitmorethananything

In my case it meant an affair. I always held my wife to the highest moral standards and even when I had my suspicions I didn't believe that she could do this to me after 14 years. I wish that I had been more persistent with my questioning early on. I asked her and she lied to me and I believed her. Then I didn't want to pester her about it any more because everything between us was on the rocks already. I finally confronted her again when I read in several places that this is what this phrase usually means and she admitted to it. But the affair had gotten stronger by this time and no she cannot break out of it. We have had alot of problems but this is now her sticking point and what keeps her from wanting to work on them-there is this other person waiting in the wings. Open communication with her and ask her. Even if it isn't physical, you said her time was mostly accounted for, it could be emotional, maybe something on line which can turn physical once a certain level of bonding has happened. Nip it in the bud, and go to MC.


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## Trying2figureitout

It means your life is now turned upside down and it will take years to remedy if possible. I'm 2 years in and now doing 180. Good luck to anyone who ever hears these words.

Pretty sure NO AFFAIR...just resentments she can't seem to process yet.


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## Lon

I know this is an old thread that has been revived, but I am realizing after reading every thread about this subject for the past 5 months, that ILYBINILWY is the "polite" way of saying "I'm not attraced to you".

I am also realizing that loss of attraction is so often a kiss of death for a relationship because once that atttraction is lost it is nearly impossible to get it back. I wish more people, me particularly, had understood this BEFORE making vows. I am also realizing that when these words are uttered, it has become actionable meaning that if an affair isn't already occuring it is very ripe to, or simply that the spouse has disconnected and is set on ending the relationship, and since many have convinced themself its easier to ask forgiveness than permission, by the time ILYBINILWY has happened there likely has already been an occuring event that coerces this announcement out of the wayward.


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## MMM5000

My wife just dropped this bomb on me and thankfully I found this site. Lots of information here, lots to think about. I need time to process this. She confirmed that she likes everything we do together, etc....and that she's having a sort of midlife soul-searching crisis. But still, ouch. We have a 7 year old too. Big time ouch. 

I'll post more later, maybe. Right now I need to process.


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## southbound

I had a similar thing happen to me. I never understood it. How can a person claim to be madly in love with someone and then they are not? How do people "grow apart?" If two people can grow apart because interests change, one is no longer interested in skydiving, then was it really love to begin with, or just infatuation? 

I know some people who have went through really rough times with serious issues with their spouse, but they loved them and stayed together. With others, a little drifting occurs and it's out the door.


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## Jayb

WhiteRabbit said:


> This is what is so frustrating about this forum. No one knows a whole heck of a lot about what's going on with this man or his wife (unless I've missed some huge thread about it) and automatically everyone is telling this poor guy his wife is likely cheating.
> 
> Just because a woman falls out of love with someone doesn't always mean she is riding the hobby horse with someone else. Yes, it CAN be an excuse to cover up an affair. BUT that doesn't automatically mean that's what it is.
> 
> I've seen many *married couples who start out totally in love...then they don't continue making the efforts to stay IN love. Then they find themselves in more of a loving companion relationship rather than an in love situation.*
> I feel like people are so jaded that everything a spouse does looks like an affair or everything they say means they're having an affair.
> 
> Don't assume her saying this means she is having an affair. Is it a possibility? YES. Is it a an automatic neon sign confirming it? NO.



And sometimes, 1 partner is willing to change anything and everything out of commitment, love, children, etc., while the other has completely detached and resists any effort due to so much misery, disappointment, doubt, guilt, etc.

CRACK

I've said it before. It's unfair, yet highly convenient for 1 partner to detach from the other spouse over time, yet still remain married, and then announce the ILYBINILWY when he/she is finally and completely ready. The other spouse is slapped upside the head with this--then must cope, adjust, survive, alone, without any support from his/her best friend, the walk away spouse. and fulfil other family commitments (eg children) at the same time.

So painful.


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## arbitrator

chillymorn said:


> the beginning of the end.


I definitely think that ILYBINILWY is followed closely by my STBXW's phrase, *"While we love each other, we shouldn't be married to each other!"*

Shortly thereafterward came her psychological as well as physical abandonment, the filing of the petition for divorce, along with the strong evidence of an EA/PA via FB.


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## Jayb

southbound said:


> I had a similar thing happen to me. I never understood it. How can a person claim to be madly in love with someone and then they are not? How do people "grow apart?" If two people can grow apart because interests change, one is no longer interested in skydiving, then was it really love to begin with, or just infatuation?
> 
> I know some people who have went through really rough times with serious issues with their spouse, but they loved them and stayed together. With others, a little drifting occurs and it's out the door.



It's usually when 1 spouse idolizes the "in-love" romantic feeling common in the first 2 years of dating/marriage. When that dissipates and "life" gets in the way, that feeling empties out. To that spouse, the "in-love" feeling motivates his/her actions in the marriage. So, no "in-love" feeling must mean there is no love left; only friendship remains. Any work involved at recovering it seems non-productive, because what is the motivation to spur action?

On the other hand, there are spouses who recognize the different stages of love and who view love as more action-based, with feelings to follow. By doing acts of love, the "in-love" feeling returns and is strengthened at a more mature level.

When 2 spouses have the 2 competing views, it is very difficult to compromise. It takes time and effort to recover the feeling. It takes trust and acceptance. It takes openness and forgiveness.


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## southbound

Jayb said:


> It's usually when 1 spouse idolizes the "in-love" romantic feeling common in the first 2 years of dating/marriage. When that dissipates and "life" gets in the way, that feeling empties out. To that spouse, the "in-love" feeling motivates his/her actions in the marriage. So, no "in-love" feeling must mean there is no love left; only friendship remains. Any work involved at recovering it seems non-productive, because what is the motivation to spur action?
> 
> On the other hand, there are spouses who recognize the different stages of love and who view love as more action-based, with feelings to follow. By doing acts of love, the "in-love" feeling returns and is strengthened at a more mature level.
> 
> When 2 spouses have the 2 competing views, it is very difficult to compromise. It takes time and effort to recover the feeling. It takes trust and acceptance. It takes openness and forgiveness.


Good theory! I don't think my x wife recognized that marriage has different stages. She dated a guy after we were divorced. She told me once on the phone that "he is better to me than you ever were." He later dumped her and quickly married someone else. 

I wonder if negative experiences after divorce can cause one to re-evaluate their previous marriage and decide, "maybe it wasn't so bad after all.?


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## Jayb

southbound said:


> Good theory! I don't think my x wife recognized that marriage has different stages. She dated a guy after we were divorced. She told me once on the phone that "he is better to me than you ever were." He later dumped her and quickly married someone else.
> 
> *I wonder if negative experiences after divorce can cause one to re-evaluate their previous marriage and decide, "maybe it wasn't so bad after all.?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Of course! Happens frequently. It's "the grass isn't always greener on the other side." Then follows further regrets, guilt, unhappiness, etc.
> 
> People trade sets of problems in relationships to new/different sets of problems in other, newer relationships. All the while, searching for the happiness that left sometime during their first serious relationship/marriage. The point is, happy relationships don't make people happy. Rather, happy people make happy relationships. The power to make you happy is within you. You will always be disappointed if you relinquish that power to others. You are in control of you. No one else. And despite your best intentions, actions, wishes, requests, others may not always respond accordingly. We are all given free will to decide or not to decide.
> 
> That's why love is such an art. I can't take the textbook of the 180, apply it, and then count on an exact outcome. People are different and respond differently depending on numerous factors.


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## southbound

Jayb said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> 
> Good theory! I don't think my x wife recognized that marriage has different stages. She dated a guy after we were divorced. She told me once on the phone that "he is better to me than you ever were." He later dumped her and quickly married someone else.
> 
> *I wonder if negative experiences after divorce can cause one to re-evaluate their previous marriage and decide, "maybe it wasn't so bad after all.?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Of course! Happens frequently. It's "the grass isn't always greener on the other side." Then follows further regrets, guilt, unhappiness, etc.
> 
> People trade sets of problems in relationships to new/different sets of problems in other, newer relationships. All the while, searching for the happiness that left sometime during their first serious relationship/marriage. The point is, happy relationships don't make people happy. Rather, happy people make happy relationships. The power to make you happy is within you. You will always be disappointed if you relinquish that power to others. You are in control of you. No one else. And despite your best intentions, actions, wishes, requests, others may not always respond accordingly. We are all given free will to decide or not to decide.
> 
> That's why love is such an art. I can't take the textbook of the 180, apply it, and then count on an exact outcome. People are different and respond differently depending on numerous factors.
> 
> 
> 
> I certainly think my x wife, and her entire family, were the types that looked for others to make them happy. I am the opposite. I manufacture my own happiness, if that makes any sense. I think that is why i have done so well after the divorce. My kids think it odd that she wanted a divorce so she could "be happy," but they say i act happier than she does now.
Click to expand...


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## MMM5000

The last few responses have been very encouraging. I completely believe that the problems we have are solvable and that it will take some work but I'm not sure if she would agree. I honetly think she has no idea what to do, excpet for some serious soul searching.


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## Jayb

MMM5000 said:


> The last few responses have been very encouraging. I completely believe that the problems we have are solvable and that it will take some work but I'm not sure if she would agree. I honetly think she has no idea what to do, excpet for some serious soul searching.


For you, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Everyone is different and you will get different advice from people, but you have to do what's best for you in your situation.


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## Jayb

southbound said:


> Jayb said:
> 
> 
> 
> I certainly think my x wife, and her entire family, were the types that looked for others to make them happy. I am the opposite. I manufacture my own happiness, if that makes any sense. I think that is why i have done so well after the divorce. My kids think it odd that she wanted a divorce so she could "be happy," but they say i act happier than she does now.
> 
> 
> 
> Hopefully, I can get to where you are now. It seems so far away and I have so much doubt and fear.
Click to expand...


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## MMM5000

Jayb said:


> For you, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Everyone is different and you will get different advice from people, but you have to do what's best for you in your situation.



Certainly. I'm a strong, confident person. I have a good career, I'm healthy & resilient and will be able to bounce back. I'm mostly worried about the long term damage we could do to our child if we decide to break it off, and I think the wife is too.


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## MrK

Wives fall out of love with their husbands. It happens. A LOT! And most of the time they don't come back.


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## BearMoose22

I love you means she cares for you
I'm in love with you means she can't live without you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonim

southbound said:


> Good theory! I don't think my x wife recognized that marriage has different stages. She dated a guy after we were divorced. She told me once on the phone that "he is better to me than you ever were." He later dumped her and quickly married someone else.
> 
> I wonder if negative experiences after divorce can cause one to re-evaluate their previous marriage and decide, "maybe it wasn't so bad after all.?


wow. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.


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## unbelievable

I love you but I'm not in love with you....

translation: I acknowledge I've received some benefits from associating with you but I'm not sexually attracted to you. Or...I'm taking your credit card to the mall to buy some sexy lingerie that you'll never see. I'll be out late tonight. How about watching the kids?


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## StormyCottonBoots25

@hoping4better- it does not mean there is a third party, it may just be that you two have lost an emotional connection that she misses. Being lonely in a relationship sucks. I recently told my husband the same thing....there is no third party, just knowledge that when people are together for a long time, sometimes the flame dies for a minute. Try to get her to tell you the things she is lacking-that's when the third party shows up.
Best of Luck


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## hookares

hoping4better said:


> really interested in other perspectives here. Ive been told that lately, and trying to figure it out, does it mean that my wife sees me more like a good friend, brother etc rather than a husband? Ive been thinking abut this for days now and really getting wound up by it, what do you think?


It means that she "loves" the fact that you provide for her financially. However, she's "in love" with the guy who is boinking her while you are at work.


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