# Time to seperate/divorce



## Deeana (Nov 13, 2021)

Hello All,
I've been married for 13 years, but have been with my husband for 15 years. (since I was 18). He is 7 years older than me so when we got together I was very naive. I got pregnant with our daughter at 19 and then we were married when I was 20. Over the years our marriage has been rocky, but we have been keeping it together. He promised me stability and love when we were young, but over the years that has never happened. He cannot hold a job for more than a few months, he doesn't help with the kids or housework most of the time, he is addicted heavily to marijuana, speaks down to me and controls my actions. I've been alienated from my family and friends over the years because of pure embarrassment that he is always unemployed and he cannot stay at a function too long because of his marijuana use. He has done some unthinkable hurtful things to me throughout the years, but for some reason I still stay. We have 2 beautiful kids together and they are old enough now to see how he treats me, which I know is not healthy for them. I am the breadwinner of the family, take care of all the household, bills, cook, clean, manage the money. I have encouraged him to go back to school for trade work or whatever he desires, but he never has the motivation to do so. I've told him he needs to go to rehab, but he thinks he does not have a problem. I spoil him to the moon and back, but I don't get the same in return because financially he has no money only what I bring in. I bought his dream car for him and even paid it off! Also, he has been unemployed for 2 years now since Covid and refuses to find work. My breaking point was yesterday as it was my dad's memorial. He passed from Covid and my husband told me he wasn't going to go and after me begging him like a fool to go and be my support he agreed. He didn't even have the decency to dress up and then he didn't speak to anyone at the service. When we went to go out to lunch after the service, instead of pulling me to the side and saying hey I want to go home or whatnot, he just LEFT without telling anyone. He blocked my number, walked half way home and then ubered the rest of the way home. I don't believe I can save my marriage anymore nor do I think I want to. He literally left me high and dry on one of the most difficult days of my life. I'm just afraid to move on because he has been the only man I've been with since I was 18 and now i'm 33. He has left me so alienated from everyone that I have become dependent on his "company/friendship". I know I am a catch of a woman, but still I have fear that I will end up all alone and a failure.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Deeana said:


> but still I have fear that I will end up all alone and a failure.


You already have that. You are alone in a failed marriage now. 

You can only go up from here. 

Pretty much any guy you'd hit by throwing a rock would be better than him. 

And there are so many decent guys out there that women don't give the time of day to and you deluding yourself into thinking that you actually have a marriage and a relationship here. 

You are delusional if you think you even have a friend or companion with him but you don't. A friend or companion would actually be there for you. 

What you have is a parasite.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with @oldshirt, you can only go up from where you are right now.

My take on it is that you are ready to divorce him but just don't know how to get started. It's daunting. What you can do is to make a list of all the tasks you need to accomplish. Then work your list, one by one. And one day, the only thing left to do will be to file for divorce and end this marriage that is only pulling you down.

If you want help creating that list, we can help you out. 

Surely there is someone around you who you can confide it... a relative or friend. Talk to them, tell them what is going on and that you need to build a support system and hope they can be there for you.

See an attorney and find out what you need to do to file for divorce and it possible to get your husband out of your home as soon as possible. Do this without telling your husband what you are up to because you need to plan. 

Does your husband have any family or friends he can go stay with?

Do you own your home or rent? If you own, you will need to discuss how you can handle the property in a divorce.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You do waaaaay too much for him. At some point, you’ll think of your kids. Maybe when they’re teenagers and can’t bring friends over because dad is on the couch with the bong, and it’s too embarrassing so they make plans to move out at 16 and never look back.

That’s your future.

I do understand what addicts are like, most people do leave them eventually. It’s the worst.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You really have nothing worth saving. Put the children first and get them out if that awful situation. He is a terrible influence on them. 

I too married young, at 19, and my marriage ended when I was in my 40's with 3 children, you will manage, you sound very capable.


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## Deeana (Nov 13, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You already have that. You are alone in a failed marriage now.
> 
> You can only go up from here.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and insight. He has moved out...back to his mothers. Like you said, I can only go up from here.


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## Deeana (Nov 13, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with @oldshirt, you can only go up from where you are right now.
> 
> My take on it is that you are ready to divorce him but just don't know how to get started. It's daunting. What you can do is to make a list of all the tasks you need to accomplish. Then work your list, one by one. And one day, the only thing left to do will be to file for divorce and end this marriage that is only pulling you down.
> 
> ...


Thank you. He has moved out to his mothers. I've started the steps for divorce. I rent, but luckily everything I've ever bought or done in regards to my businesses have all been in my name. As of right now, he doesn't even care to make a custody agreement and says he will just sign the papers. Again, thank you for your insight and advice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Deeana said:


> Hello All,
> I've been married for 13 years, but have been with my husband for 15 years. (since I was 18). He is 7 years older than me so when we got together I was very naive. I got pregnant with our daughter at 19 and then we were married when I was 20. Over the years our marriage has been rocky, but we have been keeping it together. He promised me stability and love when we were young, but over the years that has never happened. He cannot hold a job for more than a few months, he doesn't help with the kids or housework most of the time, he is addicted heavily to marijuana, speaks down to me and controls my actions. I've been alienated from my family and friends over the years because of pure embarrassment that he is always unemployed and he cannot stay at a function too long because of his marijuana use. He has done some unthinkable hurtful things to me throughout the years, but for some reason I still stay. We have 2 beautiful kids together and they are old enough now to see how he treats me, which I know is not healthy for them. I am the breadwinner of the family, take care of all the household, bills, cook, clean, manage the money. I have encouraged him to go back to school for trade work or whatever he desires, but he never has the motivation to do so. I've told him he needs to go to rehab, but he thinks he does not have a problem. I spoil him to the moon and back, but I don't get the same in return because financially he has no money only what I bring in. I bought his dream car for him and even paid it off! Also, he has been unemployed for 2 years now since Covid and refuses to find work. My breaking point was yesterday as it was my dad's memorial. He passed from Covid and my husband told me he wasn't going to go and after me begging him like a fool to go and be my support he agreed. He didn't even have the decency to dress up and then he didn't speak to anyone at the service. When we went to go out to lunch after the service, instead of pulling me to the side and saying hey I want to go home or whatnot, he just LEFT without telling anyone. He blocked my number, walked half way home and then ubered the rest of the way home. I don't believe I can save my marriage anymore nor do I think I want to. He literally left me high and dry on one of the most difficult days of my life. I'm just afraid to move on because he has been the only man I've been with since I was 18 and now i'm 33. He has left me so alienated from everyone that I have become dependent on his "company/friendship". I know I am a catch of a woman, but still I have fear that I will end up all alone and a failure.


He's an ass. With this info, you'd be better leaving him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marriages ending always seem sad at first,,, but in your case it will be like a big bag of rocks taken off your shoulders.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

You are only 33! Some people don't even marry for the first time by this age. You will find someone deserving of you and all you have to give. You sound like a kind person. Best of luck to you!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are still so young, have your whole life ahead of you, time to be married a few times again!
Get rid of this leech. He may be depressed cause you are more successful than him, men are funny about these things so suggest he get some therapy.
Then start getting your ducks in a row. Do the 180 on him, withdraw, be coridal, kind but not engaged. Let him figure things out for himself. meanwhile you start building yourself up, going out, join clubs, meet others to do activities, etc.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are in a pretty good position when you divorce since you can support your family.
Be free of what has dragged you down for years - he hasn’t been a husband to you and he hasn’t provided for his kids.
After you adjust you will likely feel relieved.

Set a good example for your kids. They need to see a strong woman. Let them know a spouse should help provide money and support for the family. Also let them know a partner is emotionally supportive in a healthy marriage.

I’m sorry he hasn’t treated you right. Set a higher standard for yourself in your next relationship. Best of luck!


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