# Advice Needed Tonight Please - Lawyer Tomorrow



## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

If you read my previous post, you will know where I am at.

Wife has been away for 17 days. Talked my wife into being away one more night, at least.
Decided yesterday and today that I have had enough. Going to seek a lawyer tomorrow and get some basic advice, if all goes well I will retain them and proceed asap. Since she has been away, mail has come, all her private bank account info, where the money is going and is. Do I take these? Present them to the lawyer? 
Also, with that said, after tomorrow, should I pack a bag of cloths, toiletry items an escape package? Then also, if I act fast tomorrow, should I take personal items that are extremely important to me and store them? Namely, my passion vintage stereo equipment, that I have worked on refurbished. Worth quite a bit, but that's not what is important. It is my passion, my heart and soul. Also, valuable lp's again, the time and passion put into finding the right one, in some cases months of research etc. 

Or do I play as if all is good and when she gets home act as if I am exhausted from working 12 hr shifts for the last 2 weeks. 
Tomorrow morning, 9 AM I know who is on my list to see 1st thing. 

Please help asap.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Play it cool. 

Talk to the attorney first. Make a game plan. The attorney will tell you what you need to bring. Make copies of anything you think is important. Put those somewhere where she won't find them...like at someone else's house. 

You need to talk to the attorney before you do any leaving anyway.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Secure all important documents off site...birth certificates, tax returns, passports, etc.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Thanks


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

She came home one day while I was working night shifts, I was sleeping. She left me a long letter pointing out everything I had done wrong to her through our relationship, not over exaggerating honest. Like 5 pages long, I read it, I was going to take it to work and go over it again and again, but I ripped it up and threw it away. I knew if I reread it I would want to respond on every point. She mentioned she would be home the 8th, yesterday. Like I said I talked her into staying away, she sent me a text saying that I knew she was coming home and it's obvious I did not want to work on our relationship.

When she gets here do I try and listen and answer questions "try and work it out" (I do not wish to).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why do you "not wish to"?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe you should stop being a chump


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

YourPleasure said:


> She came home one day while I was working night shifts, I was sleeping. She left me a long letter pointing out everything I had done wrong to her through our relationship, not over exaggerating honest. Like 5 pages long, I read it, I was going to take it to work and go over it again and again, but I ripped it up and threw it away. I knew if I reread it I would want to respond on every point. She mentioned she would be home the 8th, yesterday. Like I said I talked her into staying away, she sent me a text saying that I knew she was coming home and it's obvious I did not want to work on our relationship.
> 
> When she gets here do I try and listen and answer questions "try and work it out" (I do not wish to).


If you really "do not wish to", you wouldn't entertain the idea of discussing this with her, you'd be thinking of your own plans for the day and how you'd really like her to "just go away".

If this woman has cheated on you, you need to go NO CONTACT whatsoever. one or two word responses to logistics questions at the most.


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

No cheating, just years of rising super EGO that has became a huge monster....

No appointment today, have to schedule for tomorrow .....bummer.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long have you been married? ages?
lastly what happen 17 days ago to have her leave


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What do you think her reaction would be if you told her that you wanted a divorce?

She thinks that she is 100% correct, and you are 100% in the wrong all the time.

She is expecting you to have taken these 17 days and realize...

1) just how wrong you have been about everything throughout the relationship

2). You can NOT live without her

3). That you will be more than happy to make dramatic changes to yourself to correct all your failings

4). You will beg her to give you just one more chance to make those changes before she comes to her senses and leaves you

5) if she does leave you, you will never be happy ever again



I think that when she sits you down to have the come to Jesus Meeting, you say very little. When she is done spewing her garbage, you simply say, “I think you are correct. I think we should divorce”. Don’t say anything else

If you do this, she will be shocked and won’t know what to say. 

Then say, “I think Im going to go to bed. I’d appreciate it if you would sleep on the couch tonight.”


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Well, I did it, sbtxw <----feels great to write that, stayed out of town as I requested. Appointment attended at 9:30 walked in there with all notes and all paper work I had available. Told lawyer what I expected him to do. Was going to wait until Thursday to pay retainer, but when I went outside had a group text with wife, two daughters and wife's sister. Her step sisters dad is about to go in for a liver transplant today. A donor was needed found one last night I guess. So with that in mind, I turned around and made the payment to retain him and have the D started asap, hopefully today or tomorrow. 

I want to call the wife and let her know that I have done it today, instead of a few days from now and I look like a heartless bastard in front of everyone. Did not want to delay and put it off due to his illness, can't take a back seat. Do you guys agree with that? Or should I let the lawyer get everything ready and set before?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You did what you needed to do!!!

BRAVO!!!!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

There is NEVER an ideal time to do this. I’m sorry that you are in this situation, but you know you had to do it.

Stick close to family and friends. Lean on them for support. That is what they are there for, AND, they want to be there for you during your time of need. Wouldn’t you want to be there for a family member or friend if they were hurting?

Did you tell the stbxw? 
If not when will you tell her, or will she just be served?

Good luck and be strong


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't tell her until your lawyer has the papers ready to serve on her. You have no idea how many days it will take your attorney to get them out there. 

Plus, don't you have to do all the financial papers that all income/expenses and assets/liabilities?


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

So, I did file and the lawyer is in the process of getting paper work ready to be served. 
Wife's step father is ok, made it through good. So that is a plus. 

Before she went to be with them she asked for the car keys to drive a long distance hospital. Sure of course. 
Got home Wed morning car was gone as planned and the suburban she was using is gone still, hmmm. 

No contact since, I think she may know I have filed and is now hiding, won't communicate, not that I have told her anything, I haven't. 
She took the pets like a month ago, now won't even tell me how or where they are, again no big deal. I think she is hoping that I call and beg her to return or ask where the cars are and how the pets are doing. Will not indulge her. 

Hopefully she stays away, actually been nice. I hope she plans on staying away and leaves me alone here. I want to change the locks on the house.... Been like a month or so now. I wonder how long it would take for to have "voluntarily" left and can't return.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

So are you without a car right now?

Do you know when she will be served?
WHERE will she be served?

You seem to be in a good place emotionally.

Just keep moving forward doing what you must do


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Nope, I have no clue where she is, in town for sure but where exactly...? Like I said, I am pretty sure she has to be onto it. I had to pay for the lawyer with a cc, she keeps pretty close eye on all things $ wise. I am thinking she is pondering over her next move for sure. 

I have a car, was thinking about putting some new tires on it with a cc. Would that be a bad idea? Just because I think it will be what I am driving for a while, which is fine.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Did you talk to your lawyer about money? I think you should close all cc. Open a new bank account in your name only and move 50% of all money in joint bank accounts into the new one


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Did you talk to your lawyer about money? I think you should close all cc. Open a new bank account in your name only and move 50% of all money in joint bank accounts into the new one


Thing is, we have a lot of money (Over a million) in many bank accounts, but they are all in her personal accounts. 

All of my paychecks go into a joint account, and that's all the money I have access to. That is the account we pay bills and live day to day. Balance was like $3500 yesterday. 

I had to put the retaining fee on a cc, either that or get a personal loan to myself, but I thought "why should I have to do that?"


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

YourPleasure said:


> Thing is, we have a lot of money (Over a million) in many bank accounts, but they are all in her personal accounts.
> 
> All of my paychecks go into a joint account, and that's all the money I have access to. That is the account we pay bills and live day to day. Balance was like $3500 yesterday.
> 
> I had to put the retaining fee on a cc, either that or get a personal loan to myself, but I thought "why should I have to do that?"


If that is actually JOINT MONEY, why in gods name are you not on those accounts. 

I would really like an answer to that...


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> If that is actually JOINT MONEY, why in gods name are you not on those accounts.
> 
> I would really like an answer to that...


I have no excuses, blind marital bliss for the last 27 yrs. 

House paid off, my checks go to joint account, pays for bills. The money she makes goes to... ? 

So after working solidly, (no gaps of unemployment for the last 27 28 years) I have access to $3500 shared. I blame it on myself. 
I have been slowly withdrawing money from account, I have like $430.00 aside woo hoo!

Details on old homes sold, property sold is complicated. But all money ended up in her personal account(s).


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

I actually have been reduced to raiding the spare change jar, haha.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

YourPleasure said:


> I have no excuses, blind marital bliss for the last 27 yrs.
> 
> House paid off, my checks go to joint account, pays for bills. The money she makes goes to... ?
> 
> ...





YourPleasure said:


> I actually have been reduced to raiding the spare change jar, haha.


Brother, you are a compete moron, and I mean that in a nice way. What were you thinking? 

You need to get your hands on every single account statement that you can find and figure out where you are. And if you cannot access any money, the take out a loan to get you buy for a while, I mean like 50,000 worth of getting by.

You really have to get your S*** together, get to work...


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Brother, you are a compete moron, and I mean that in a nice way. What were you thinking?
> 
> You need to get your hands on every single account statement that you can find and figure out where you are. And if you cannot access any money, the take out a loan to get you buy for a while, I mean like 50,000 worth of getting by.
> 
> You really have to get your S*** together, get to work...


Yes I am. But you see, time moves forward not backwards.

If I open an account, while still married, no papers served yet, put personal loan money in it, have my checks direct deposited in it, doesn't she have rights to it?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

YourPleasure said:


> Yes I am. But you see, time moves forward not backwards.
> 
> If I open an account, while still married, no papers served yet, put personal loan money in it, have my checks direct deposited in it, doesn't she have rights to it?


Community property, but so is the money that she makes as you are married. So yeah, the first thing you need to do is stop sneaking around and being a puss about this stuff. Set up a new account that SHE does not have access to, Stop paying all the bill, time for her to pay her half. Do you understand that she is probably hiding money and is ready to take you for a ride? 

Get your documentation together, find all the statements, it is all community property and you have a right to half just like she does. 

Take out a loan if needed and get to a lawyer, yesterday. 

Listen, if you are passive about this you will get screwed, you get that right?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

make sure you have a copy of all of those accounts because that is considered martial asset you will get 50% of it. Dude you really have been shafted by her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YourPleasure said:


> Yes I am. But you see, time moves forward not backwards.
> 
> If I open an account, while still married, no papers served yet, put personal loan money in it, have my checks direct deposited in it, doesn't she have rights to it?


The point of getting your own account is not so that it will be "hidden" during the divorce.  It's so SHE CAN'T TAKE all the money OUT of it and leave you with no working $$$$.

ALL of the assets, including her own personal accounts, will be looked at in the divorce.


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## Shipwrecked (Jul 9, 2018)

Can you get documentation to show where the money in those private accounts of your wife’s came from? 
I didn’t see where you live but not all states are going to instantly accept her private accounts as joint marital assets. 
I’ve been a CPA for high wealth clients for over 20 yrs and have seen astounding ways spouses can screw each other over.

That said, I’ve been married 40 yrs and I’ve always handled all the finances. BUT being an accountant I keep massive files documenting even the smallest transaction (deposit slip for $ .03 refund? Got it)


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

* get lawyer to get a forensic accountant....


Like yesterday. Before the money decides to go on vacation in the Caribbean....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

YourPleasure said:


> Yes I am. But you see, time moves forward not backwards.
> 
> If I open an account, while still married, no papers served yet, put personal loan money in it, have my checks direct deposited in it, doesn't she have rights to it?


Generally speaking, once the divorce is filed all the finances are separated. New income and new debts are no longer community property, but all the prior stuff is. So if you buy new tires it could likely end up fully your expense, especially if you do it on a new credit card.

The papers you file provide a snapshot in time of the finances and become the baseline for negotiations and the settlement. So all of the accounts in her name as well as everything else will be listed in the filed papers. In the end you should get half of everything as it existed when the papers were filed.

The court could assume any large purchases you make just prior to the filing were an attempt to get her to pay half of it. Like if you buy expensive new tires on the car which will be yours after the divorce. While this may not at all be your intent, the court might see it that way and then be negatively biased against you. I would discuss this kind of thing with your attorney, and in the case of the tires I would probably buy them (if you need them immediately for safety reasons) on a new credit card in my name only, and make it clear you aren't trying to get her to pay half.


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

Thor said:


> Generally speaking, once the divorce is filed all the finances are separated. New income and new debts are no longer community property, but all the prior stuff is. So if you buy new tires it could likely end up fully your expense, especially if you do it on a new credit card.
> 
> The papers you file provide a snapshot in time of the finances and become the baseline for negotiations and the settlement. So all of the accounts in her name as well as everything else will be listed in the filed papers. In the end you should get half of everything as it existed when the papers were filed.
> 
> The court could assume any large purchases you make just prior to the filing were an attempt to get her to pay half of it. Like if you buy expensive new tires on the car which will be yours after the divorce. While this may not at all be your intent, the court might see it that way and then be negatively biased against you. I would discuss this kind of thing with your attorney, and in the case of the tires I would probably buy them (if you need them immediately for safety reasons) on a new credit card in my name only, and make it clear you aren't trying to get her to pay half.


Well too late, I kept the old tires, and I am going to take pictures of how bad they are. I drive 70 miles round trip (Interstate miles) on the days I work. I used to take the economy car to work, this other car is older and just used for mainly round town stuff. I carpool with 3 other people, it is hot July not good on bad tires. I tried to use the debit card it got declined. Had to put it on the cc. She asked me to leave my key in the other car because she couldn't find hers. I did, so she could take the car to the big city, best economy good highway car.

Come home car is gone, her suburban is still gone, and now she has my key to the car. Well done....! Now the only vehicle I have that I need to take to work has tires with sidewall cracks. My Back is kinda against the wall here.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Just buy the tires, it'll all get worked out.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Report your suburban stolen. It'll get found real quick for you.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

In my town there is a policy called "attempt to locate" because reporting a car stolen is an automatic arrest if the car and driver is found.

If you buy equal to original quality tires similar to what came on the car when new (nothing fancy) I don't see why that would be considered trying to stick the W with part of the bills. Above all, be safe and don't take any extraordinary chances or safety risks.

Who's name/s are on the vehicle titles? Vehicles have an assessed/book value that I suppose will get put into the pot that gets divided once the divorce terms are agreed on. So she has taken part of her final share of the divorce.


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## YourPleasure (Jun 23, 2018)

So it has taken a turn for the worse. May just start a new thread to cover this topic. Wife called she is trying to blackmail me into accepting an offer, if I don't she is going to try and get me fired. Just look for Blackmailed in title


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to get your lawyer on this ASAP. Do NOT accept phone calls from her anymore. EVERYTHING needs to be in text or email or through your lawyer. STOP talking with her unless you can record it (Check the laws in your state before you do this -- ask your lawyer if you can do this).


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