# In Laws treating my wife and I like crap becuase we have no children.



## Tharco

Ling time lurker here and I need to vent. This is a super loooong and rambling post; I’m trying to summarize 10 years of relationships so I can shape the problem I am seeking advice to resolve. I do appreciate those who take the time to read through this mess.

I’ve been together with my wife for 10 years, married for five. For the entire 10 years, I’ve been pretty close with my wife’s family. I met her brother when he was 12, now he’s 22 going on 23. He lived in MY house—rent free--for 6 months while he went to college out in my city about two years ago, that’s how close I am with my in-laws. I knew her sister since she was a teenager teeny bopper; now she’s a grown woman with two kids and a husband. I’ve never had any issues with her family and have always considered myself lucky to have such great in-laws while everyone else I know has conflict with their own in laws. I have always tried to be mindful of the relationships and bonds between my wife and her family and I have tried to be a good addition to said family. 

About five years ago, a few weeks before our wedding ceremony, my wife’s father—who I also was very close with and had known for 6 years—passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly. He was in his 50’s and it was a major shock. He was really the voice of reason in his family and ever since he passed, the relationship between my wife/myself and the in-laws has deteriorated.


My wife is the oldest child in her family (she has a sister and brother): my wife is 31 (I am 33), her sister is 28, and her brother is 22. My wife graduated with a BA in Art when she was around 22 but recently decided to start respiratory therapy school, something I fully support. Having gone through a masters program myself, I can say that her program is just as difficult and time consuming, if not more. She and I both decided to not have children, or at the very least, children are not a priority for us. We think we MAY decide to start a family once she completes her schooling (another 1 ½ years), but it’s nothing we are particularly rushing towards or anticipating.
Her mother and sister, on the other hand, find this completely unacceptable. Her sister had a son about 2 years ago and had another son a few months ago. Their behavior, attitude, and comments towards us ever since have been mind boggingly hurtful. The latest example:

1.	As I have every year since my wife’s father passed away, I invited my wife’s family to MY families thanksgiving dinner. My family is not religious so this is the only holiday we really celebrate and it’s a big deal for us. Due to our non religious nature, this means I get to spend the other major holidays—Christmas and Easter—with my in-laws, which I have done for about a decade now. In the world of marriage and the decisions couples have to make when it comes to holidays, this is a good bargain: one holiday with my family, 2 or more with her family. Fair trade. 

Last year, the first year after my wife’s first nephew was born, my in-laws decided to call us the DAY before thanksgiving to tell us they decided to go to my sister-in-laws parents house for thanksgiving instead of coming to our house as planned. This ticked me off because they had told us they were coming and so I had purchased an extra turkey and told my family to cook for 6 or 7 additional people. I was very upset with being treated this way, discarded for a “better option” really, but I kept my cool for the most part and let it slide. Surely this was a fluke, right?

About 3 days before thanksgiving THIS year, my wife gets a really nasty call from her mom telling her that 5:00pm is MUCH TOO LATE to eat thanksgiving dinner and that her family would be by at 11:00am with the expectation to eat at 2:00pm. When my wife pointed out that no one else was arriving until 4:00 for a 5:00 dinner, she was told that we would just have to have “two thanksgivings” and that my wife could spend it with one family and then “her other family”. I was FURIOUS! They have been invited to another families table and they called to make demands that we change a years worth of planning 3 days before the event because they don’t want to eat dinner at 5?

Her mom said some very hurtful things, basically telling my wife that she is a terrible daughter because she “never calls” and “never sees her nephews”. Her nephews live about 2 hours away and they are 4 months and 2 years old. My wife is in a respiratory therapy program which is very intensive and I work well over 80 hours a week working numerous jobs: I have a full time, 40 hour a week job at a local community college and I also teach college courses at night. On top of that, I teach online courses for a private university. I work this long and this hard so I can put my wife through school and THIS IS HOW YOU PAY BILLS on a single income. My wife and I are very career focused. We DO make time when we can—SUCH AS INVITING THE FAMILY FOR A THANKSGIVING DINNER, and driving up every few months to visit—but apparently we are expected to make that 2 hour drive MUCH more often, schedules and cost of gas be damned. 

Although I was furious—this is not the first time something like this has happened—I decided to be a good host this year for the sake of my wife’s sanity (thanksgiving is the time of year when my wife is engaged in mid terms/final exams…..and I am giving/grading final exams myself, so we don’t have time or energy for drama) and accommodate her family as best I could to avoid the stress and drama, with the understanding between my wife and I that they would NOT be invited back next year. So this is what happened
1.	They all showed up at 11.
2.	They played with the nephews from 11:00am – 2:00pm, completely ignoring my wife and I for the most part.
3.	My wife had to endure several passive aggressive and direct comments from her family, such as “Wow, it’s a shame some people decide to put careers ahead of having children” and other nonsense like that.
4.	I cook dinner and they eat at around 2:30.
5.	At 3:30ish, they start to load up their car.
6.	At 3:50, my sister, her husband, and my grandmother all pull up into my driveway. My wife’s family turns on the ignition and drives away. They don’t get out to say hi. They don’t wave. They just start her up and drive away. My sister walks up to me and asks “Are they going to the market to get something?”. She was very offended when I told her that no, they were going home. “They couldn’t say HI?” she asks. I had no answer.

I don’t know why, but it’s become a HUGE ISSUE to my wife’s family that we do not have children, and they are extremely nasty to us because of this. The honestly treat us like we are criminals or disgusting people because we work a lot, we travel a lot, and we don’t have children (they HATE that we travel and always comment on how much money we spend on this…..certainly that money should be spent on CHILD REARING!) It doesn’t matter that I’ve been a good companion and husband to my wife; it doesn’t matter that I’ve been a good and reliable friend to my wife’s family for over a decade; it doesn’t matter that I was there for them when my wife’s father passed away; it doesn’t matter that my wife and I are trying to build our careers and lives; it doesn’t matter that I am financially responsible and a great provider for my wife. And all of that is just ME: what about my poor wife and the great job she’s done as the oldest sibling? She opened her HOUSE up, free of rent, to her brother; she HELD that family together and took care of everything when her father passed; she’s had to endure unfathomable physical and mental challenges having survived a horrific car crash 2 years ago that nearly killed her and partially disabled her (fractured hip socket, pelvis, hip bone, ribs, and fractured spine), and endured she has! What DOES matter is we do NOT have a child. It’s mind boggling to me.

A little side note: my sister in law and her husband , the “new parents”, are terrible with money. The husband took out 80 grand in college loans when he was younger which he spent on cars/toys. No worries though, his wealthy parents paid it off for him. By the time he married my sister in law, he had racked up another 100K in debt. As a wedding present, his dad paid that off for him. He took a somewhat menial job (50K a year) in a really ****ty, middle of nowhere town. As someone who has never had ANY financial assistance from ANYONE— I’ve worked since I was 6, I bought my own first car, paid my own way through college, I save up for every trip my wife and I take, and gosh darn it, at 27 I bought my own house with my own savings—I have had to endure, through gritted teeth, their constant comments about how we need to buy new cars, improve our home, have children, drive up 2 hours (and 1 tank of gas at least because, you know, 50 bucks here and there is CHUMP CHANGE) all the time to see them, etc. In fact, they are quickly racking up new debt by buying new cars and new toys. No surprise when you’ve never had to face consequences before, and why worry when your wealthy parents/in-laws will bail you out, right? 

SO, flash forward to today and the call from my sister in law giving us the details for the upcoming Christmas gathering. She wants us to be up at her house by 10:00am with dinner served at……wait for it……5:00pm. Yes, the same dinner timer of my families Thanksgiving, which was terribly late and unacceptable to my in laws. 

The nasty side of me wants to wait until the 24th when I will call my sister-in-law to confirm the time. When she again says “Dinner at 5:00”, I want to make a HUGE deal about it—just like she did—and tell her that no, 5:00 is too late and we expect to eat at 2:00. JUST LIKE THEY DID. 

BUT…..I’m just old enough and just mature enough to know that while briefly satisfying, this will cause more problems long term. I do not, however, wish to go to this Christmas event with my in-laws, and neither does my wife. I’ve swallowed my tongue long enough and let passive aggressive and obnoxious comments go unanswered because I want to be on good terms with my in-laws, for my wife’s sake, but this thanksgiving they tipped me over the edge: they made my wife cry and that did it. 

SO…..my wife and I are departing on a well deserved weeklong cruise this coming Saturday, and my MIL is watching our dog for us. This is the only reason I’ve had to keep my mouth shut: I have no one else to watch my little doggie. I have a week to calm myself down and think of the best—not necessarily the most self satisfying—solution to this dilemma. Should I suck it up, at least this one last time, and drive up there and spend one last nasty holiday with my in laws with the understanding between my wife and I that this will be the LAST Christmas we spend with them? Should I fake being sick? I have no problem being up front and honest, but knowing these people for as long as I have, I know it won’t do any good and will SAIL over their heads.

They seem to love this type of drama and I do feel telling them how we feel and/or missing the holiday altogether will, in their minds, VALIDATE all of the nasty things they have to say about us. I am inclined to kill them with kindness and go up there and have a blast DESPITE their nastiness, and just go traveling next Christmas. This fits my personality: I love flipping nasty people feet over head by showing up and being as nice as nice can be. This is totally confusing to the nasty person and really showcases their nastiness in contrast to my natural kindness/happiness.

Anyway, if you have made it this far down my long and rambling post, I thank you for taking the time to read it and I would appreciate any insight or commentary, particularly if you have been in this type of situation. I really wrote this for cathartic purposes, but I do appreciate supportive comments. Nasty comments will be absolutely ignored: I have enough nastiness in my life at the moment, don’t need any more from strangers :smthumbup:

-Tharco


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## Almostrecovered

my in-laws are why I drink heavily at such events


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## Tharco

Almostrecovered, me too. My BIL drinks absolute **** bear so I have to bring my own. IPA all the way ;-)

-THARCO


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## Lynds1980

Killing them with kindness definitely seems the best plan to me and make plans yourselves for next year. Make it clear early on that you won't be there for next Christmas. Don't lower yourselves to their level.
As long as you and your wife are happy screw everyone else!


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## CantePe

One word for you: jealousy.


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## Almostrecovered

I think your MIL has a case of baby fever and wants lots of grandkids to spoil and now resents you for it. (probably moreso than your wife, since it's easier to blame you in their mind)

in my case my MIL blames me for turning their daughter into an athiest and having godless children
this all despite the fact that my wife does more for them than her sisters and will go to every event that they want her to and her sisters always have an excuse


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## Flying_Dutchman

Family/blood doesn't give them a right to dictate to you or make your lives a misery.

Some people are shìtes. They have to be part of somebody's family,, these just happen to be a part of yours.

Talk it over with your wife and just shed them if they won't behave themselves. You can only make so much effort.

Cutting contact with my dad and poisonous step-bítch is one of the best things I ever did. A dead horse I've not flogged in 20 years.

Do yourselves a favour and cut them off the way you would a drama-creating acquaintance. You'll be much happier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tharco

Lynds1980: Thanks for your comment. I agree and am leaning towards that solution. It’s easy to cave in to my own anger and be as much as a jerk as they have been to us but the sensible side of me knows that, in the end, they ARE family and I may not want to burn these bridges.

CantePe: Yeah, I know there’s a little jealousy and resentment going on. My wife and I have traveled the globe and we are very much financially secure, especially for people our age. BUT….it’s only been through hard work. We scrimp and save and we both work very hard to earn money that we save and try to spend wisely. I haven’t had a “new” car in over 15 years. 

My last two vehicles were used, because it was economical and I don’t care about “new”, I care about sensible. My in-laws mocked me for this and they buy new cars about every three years. How do they pay for this, you ask? They don’t: they get into debt and someone else pays it off for them. I bought a modest/smallish house built in the 1950’s: it’s what I could afford at 27. I love it even though it needs work from time to time. They bought a BRAND NEW house which their parents paid the down payment for. The list goes on and on: thoughtful responsibility vs. wanton spending with no regard. Being so wanton and irresponsible leads to connections and feelings of entitlements from those family members who helped you though, something my in laws must deal with while my wife and I do not. Not being under anyone's thumb is the real reason I think there is jealousy.

Almostrecovered: I used those EXACT words (baby fever) to describe my MIL to my wife. She was always annoying and bugging us about kids before my sister in law had her first: I thought once she had a few grandchildren she would shut up. NOPE! It’s only made her more nasty and more critical of our decision to wait. Now it seems that they ALL have baby fever, and that those without babies are not worth their time or energy; certainly not worth a kind word, I can tell you that. Like you, I am the bad guy: I “deny” my wife children; she was told that I “lord the money” over her because I told my wife we couldn’t be driving up to see her sister 4 times a month when she lives two hours away, I did not buy a new house, and I bought my wife a very nice but used car when it was time to replace her truck. Apparently, a BUDGET (and the nearly 250 dollar gas tank expenses visiting so often incurred) and living within our means is “lording money” over my wife. The list goes on: I am a terrible person, but something tells me I’ll be a WONDERFUL person if I were to just impregnate my wife which, of course, I won’t do because I LOVE denying my wife children! When not denying her children, I usually keep her locked up in the closet EXCEPT for the daily beatings I administer when she hasn’t cooked my turkey JUST the way I like it 

Flying Dutchman: I think we may just have to cut them off after this year. My wife and I are very happy and positive people. It always puzzles us when family acts so angry and negative: that can’t be healthy for them.
-THARCO


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## Almostrecovered

slip liquid Tylenol in her drink, I hear that cures baby fever


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## ChargingCharlie

Wow, that sucks. I know where you're coming from about wanting to say something but keeping your mouth shut. You're a better man for it. My SIL is a total PITA drama queen that nobody likes (she does have a boyfriend who I think is only with her because she puts out) and I've learned (actually still in the process of learning) to keep my mouth shut when she's brought up. She's constantly in some sort of crisis, and tries to get everyone involved in her drama. BIL is a good guy who helps us out, but he can be moody like a woman. 

Family can be exhausting. This is one reason that I can't stand the holidays (meaning all of the extraneous BS that goes on).


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## Married but Happy

No one gets to treat me badly or with disrespect more than once. I will call them on it, and they will either apologize and reform their behavior or they will no longer be welcome, or I will no longer visit. Boundaries must be set, or people will walk all over you if it suits them. Make sure it no longer suits them by making consequences.


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## hehasmyheart

CantePe said:


> One word for you: jealousy.


I agree, they are jealous. Sounds like they are miserable people! They should be happy for you, instead of being jealous. So much for family.


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## happy as a clam

Just a bunch of drama, Tharco.

You could have summed it up for us in ONE sentence... "My in-laws are a$$holes."

My advice: Weed out all the drama. No one can bully you into having kids. Quit playing into their soap opera.

Keep doing what you're doing, live the life YOU and your wife want to live, ignore the small-minded relatives.


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## soccermom2three

Married but Happy said:


> No one gets to treat me badly or with disrespect more than once. I will call them on it, and they will either apologize and reform their behavior or they will no longer be welcome, or I will no longer visit. Boundaries must be set, or people will walk all over you if it suits them. Make sure it no longer suits them by making consequences.


I agree. 

About 10 years ago, we had my parents and my husband's parents over for Christmas Day. It's too long of story to go in here but my FIL is a jerk. He was totally disrespectful to my dad and I now refuse to have him over for another Christmas Day until he apologizes to me and my dad, (which he will never do). 

Here's the thing. No one ever calls him out on his behavior. They just walk on eggshells and just wait for him to be fine again. Maybe it sounds petty, like I'm punishing him but I worked my butt off so Christmas could be nice and then he behaves badly as a guest in my home? I'm not giving him another chance until he owns his behavior that day. My husband supports me too.


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## tom67

soccermom2three said:


> I agree.
> 
> About 10 years ago, we had my parents and my husband's parents over for Christmas Day. It's too long of story to go in here but my FIL is a jerk. He was totally disrespectful to my dad and I now refuse to have him over for another Christmas Day until he apologizes to me and my dad, (which he will never do).
> 
> Here's the thing. No one ever calls him out on his behavior. They just walk on eggshells and just wait for him to be fine again. Maybe it sounds petty, like I'm punishing him but I worked my butt off so Christmas could be nice and then he behaves badly as a guest in my home? I'm not giving him another chance until he owns his behavior that day. My husband supports me too.


This is how it should be.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## frusdil

soccermom2three said:


> I agree.
> 
> About 10 years ago, we had my parents and my husband's parents over for Christmas Day. It's too long of story to go in here but my FIL is a jerk. He was totally disrespectful to my dad and I now refuse to have him over for another Christmas Day until he apologizes to me and my dad, (which he will never do).
> 
> Here's the thing. No one ever calls him out on his behavior. They just walk on eggshells and just wait for him to be fine again. Maybe it sounds petty, like I'm punishing him but I worked my butt off so Christmas could be nice and then he behaves badly as a guest in my home? I'm not giving him another chance until he owns his behavior that day. My husband supports me too.


Great post!!

My MIL was INCREDIBLY disrespectful and said something terrible about me last night to my husband. I cracked it, and asked him to call her out on it. He did - he called her back and told her he was upset about what she said about me, and it was out of line and unfair. I was SO impressed - and I let him know how much I appreciated that he did that for me.

I fkn hate inlaws, seriously, gah!


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## Blossom Leigh

I called my mother out in 2009 and put her on alert that going forward things were going to be different. I take direct routes now. I choose to not carry that mess internally anymore, I speak my peace and let the other person carry it since they chose the behavior. That way they aren't in the dark and you have release of emotional pressure. You've got a sister-in-law stirring this pot and a MIL who is just selfish enough to feed on it. Expose it for what it is. Their behavior is disgusting to me.


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## HobbesTheTiger

How does your wife feel about this? What does she want to do? What does she want you to do and say to protect her and make her feel better?

I'd suggest you two read "Toxic parents", it's available online for free in PDF form, and it might help a lot to explain why her mom and her siblings are the way they are. It will also help her (actually, both of you) to enforce healthy boundaries (which you haven't so far) and, if they're not willing to change and abide by the emotionally healthy boundaries, cut them off until they change their behaviour towards you too.

As for the dog ->there are doggie hotels available. It's probably worth it to spend a couple of hundred dollars if that's the price of not "having" to tolerate your MIL's bullsh-t?

I'd also recommend a book called Toxic In-laws - Loving strategies for protecting your marriage (by the same author as Toxic parents) - Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 9780060507855: Amazon.com: Books . I couldn't find this one free online, so I'd recommend buying it or going to the library.

Best wishes


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## Blossom Leigh

HobbesTheTiger said:


> How does your wife feel about this? What does she want to do? What does she want you to do and say to protect her and make her feel better?
> 
> I'd suggest you two read "Toxic parents", it's available online for free in PDF form, and it might help a lot to explain why her mom and her siblings are the way they are. It will also help her (actually, both of you) to enforce healthy boundaries (which you haven't so far) and, if they're not willing to change and abide by the emotionally healthy boundaries, cut them off until they change their behaviour towards you too.
> 
> As for the dog ->there are doggie hotels available. It's probably worth it to spend a couple of hundred dollars if that's the price of not "having" to tolerate your MIL's bullsh-t?
> 
> I'd also recommend a book called Toxic In-laws - Loving strategies for protecting your marriage (by the same author as Toxic parents) - Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 9780060507855: Amazon.com: Books . I couldn't find this one free online, so I'd recommend buying it or going to the library.
> 
> Best wishes


:iagree: great resources


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## Malpheous

I'd put rover in a doggie hotel or kennel for the week to help keep a clean slate. Just tell MIL that you though tit over and felt bad about burdening her with rover. Enjoy your cruise. You two have earned it in spades from the sounds of it. After you've returned and had a day or two to breathe, ask your wife what she'd like to do. 

If I was you, I'd show up WHEN and IF I felt like it. Dinner is at 5pm so if I was going to my family's, I'd arrive around 2-3 pm to see what I could help with or to go chat with the guys. Few beers. Eat. Nap. Drive home.

If I decided to not go I'd just call them up and tell them that we'd decided to not attend. Nothing to discuss, just not going to be there. Then ignore the conversation. Not the calls. But the topic.


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## norajane

Best thing is for you and your wife to be a united front on whatever you choose to do, or not do, with the in-laws. If you agree on how to handle them and on what your boundaries are, it will be easier to deal with the in-laws, one way or another.

You also have to stop letting this get to you. Who cares if they approve of your decision not to have kids? As long as you and your wife are comfortable with your choices, let any of their stupid comments roll off your back. When they bring it up, just keep repeating that you're content with your choices and they really aren't anyone else's business.

If they call wanting to change dinner times and create havoc, just keep saying that you're sorry the plans don't work for them, but you aren't changing anything at such a late date.

If you and your wife agree to limit your time with them, be comfortable with that choice and don't feel any need to defend it. 

They can't force you to take them seriously if you truly don't.

Maybe most important for you, though, stop talking and thinking about and being irritated by their financial choices. It's none of your business as long as they aren't asking you for money. Stop paying attention to anything related to their finances. For sure, do not dwell on what they are buying, debt, nothing. You are creating your own irritation here by dwelling on it and thinking about it so much. If they bring up your finances, just tell them you and your wife prefer to keep your financial matters to yourselves.


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## michzz

BTW, you mentioned that you spent a year planning that T-day meal.

Who does that?

I get it that you are furious with them messing with your meal.

HOWEVER, it was on you and your wife to either stick to your plan or not.

The expense of your in-laws necessitating a larger bird is minimal. 

Tell them to arrive at X time and that's it. Don't cook early for them.

But don't let them ruin your day.

That's on you.

Next year? Simply do not invite them.


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## Blossom Leigh

michzz said:


> BTW, you mentioned that yuo spent a year planning that T-day meal.
> 
> Who does that?


I wondered that too.


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## AliceA

My family invited my MIL around for xmas last year, and afterwards she came to our home to visit her daughter (SIL was living with us), and MIL proceeded to treat me in a most disgusting manner. She was jealous over SIL living with us instead of her and decided to take it out on me. So I walk into the room where they are and I'm blindsided by a very nasty MIL, walk back out and I haven't talked to her since. She of course has said truckloads of crap about me, all to my DH who other than once telling her off, has ignored her since.

MIL is dead to me (plus she wouldn't dare show her face around my father these days, he has forbidden it basically. I think I take after him a bit). You only get one chance in my world. I don't give a crap what she or anyone else thinks of me for being so harsh, but she chose to show me how little she cared about me and I chose to believe it. 

Your in-laws care more about their own desire for babies in the family than they do for you and your wife. It's the lack of love and consideration I personally found most offensive.

I guess I can see that giving them one last chance to show their love for their family, or lack of it, may be the right thing to do. You have to know what you plan to do though if things go pear shaped.

Edited to add: If you do continue to bring their drama into your life, I think you should both just flat out state you are not having kids at all. Just take it off the table. You guys can decide what you want to do privately when you're ready. It has nothing to do with them. You should also consider doing what your wife struggles to do, tell them to keep their nasty comments to themselves. To me, what you call being nice, I call being a doormat.


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## happy as a clam

michzz said:


> BTW, you mentioned that yuo spent a year planning that T-day meal.
> 
> Who does that?


That goes to my whole point of too much drama.

OP, why do you let these people affect you so much? I would live my life the way I want to, and simply not give another thought about people who are h*ll bent on ruining my happiness -- because THEY, themselves, are not happy and are projecting it on you.


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## Tharco

Thanks for the feedback folks, it is appreciated.

Planning thanksgiving for a year is a bit of hyperbole on my part: as I mentioned, thanksgiving is the only holiday my family celebrates so we look forward to it all year. There was similar drama a few Thanksgivings ago with my in-laws and so we made sure--throughout the year--to remind them to solidify their plans concerning thanksgiving. That's all I meant by "planning all year".

-THARCO


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## Tharco

I'm kind of in a state of shock: just got word that my mom, who has been in the hospital for a few weeks due to some unknown fluid buildup in her abdomen, has a rare form of mesothelioma cancer. I'm in total shock, but in relation to this thread, it puts things into perspective. To hell with my in-laws; I'm spending this Christmas and every other holiday with my mom. I'm not going to put myself in the position to be around nasty people, they can go **** themselves.
Tharco


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## Blossom Leigh

so sorry to hear about your Mom


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## AliceA

Sorry to hear that too. Enjoy your Christmas with the people you love and who love you (and your wife).


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## 6301

I'd save the trip for the Christmas holiday and then you don't have to listen to them bellyache all day.

One more thing. If it was me and the subject of kids comes up again, I would cut them off in mid sentence and let them know that their comments and opinions are not welcome and you don't want to here it. Say it in a way that they get the message and make sure they know your as serious as a heart attack about it. If they get pissed.....................let them.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just because the in-laws WANT you there at 10:00am and have no intention of serving dinner until 5:00pm does not OBLIGATE YOU to spend the day with them! They can want what they want...piss on 'em!

Be at their house at 10:00am (to make SOME attempt at harmony); leave by 12:30pm (1:00pm at the latest) and spend the afternoon/dinner/evening with your Mom and people who love AND RESPECT you both!

Best wishes for 2015 and patience, love, health and hope for your Mom!


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## frusdil

So sorry to hear about your mum OP, that's very sad news. I lost my dad in 2012 so I know how you feel.

Make the most of every minute with your darling mum - spend every holiday with her, even if it costs a lot of money. You'll forever regret it if you don't.

Stuff the inlaws, they can go to h3ll.


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## homerjay

I haven't read the entire thread OP, but then has your wife told her parents/siblings that these comments offend her? What are their morals/values? If they are conservatively-minded, then it figures. If not, then I'd suggest you and her disengage from them. not cut them out, but stand your ground and not cave in.


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## Tharco

I want to thank everyone for their advice and opinions; it was very much appreciated. I thought I’d offer an update to those who are interested.

My wife and I did go up to Bakersfield for Christmas. Both of us wanted to see our nephews despite the poor treatment from others. We stayed for two hours as everyone opened presents, then left. Was there drama? Of course, but only on the part of my wife’s mother. She spent the entire two hours we were there playing with her grandchildren—which I understand and I am fine with—but of course, when we start to leave, we get ALL of her passive aggressive attention. 

The real kicker here is my MIL knows that my mother was recently hospitalized for two weeks and the result of that hospital stay was a cervical cancer diagnosis. So when I told my wife’s family that we were leaving so we could spend time with my mother, everyone was sympathetic and wished us well…..except, of course, my mother in law who never once asked how my mom was doing and was somewhat nasty as we left.

My wife finally realized what I knew long ago….nothing we do will ever matter to my mother in law save for having children. We have no value in her eyes unless we pop out a kid. Unlike all of her other children and their spouses, my wife and I are NOT financially dependent on my MIL. We certainly don’t receive any emotional support. I’ve served in the US Army; I put MYSELF through college, including a BA and MA while not receiving a dime from ANYONE (not that my parents didn’t want to….they could not afford it);I paid for all three of my cars over the years with, again, no help from anyone; I’ve earned a full retirement pension by the age of 24 because I started working at the age of 6 and I am currently 12 years into 2 more pensions for the two jobs/careers I am currently engaged in (I am a college professor and also work for the state in a separate capacity); I bought my own house when I was 28, with my own money that I saved because I have always been fiscally responsible; I love my wife and treat her like the queen she is. I AM ONLY 33 YEARS OLD. I don’t say this to brag, but I am extremely proud of all that I have done--through hard work and sacrifice (while all my friends blew their money on new cars, new tvs, houses they couldn't possibly afford, etc.)--and I can’t help but balk at how these loser’s only value me based on my procreation habits and not on the wealth of life experience, work ethic, or treatment of others.

Here’s the irony: My wife and I have talked about having children in a few years, when she is finished with a medical program she has about halfway completed. The irony is if we DO have children, these fools have been so nasty and horrible towards us….I wouldn’t want them around my family to begin with! 

LONG story short, my wife was very angry (finally) and we both decided that next year we will travel overseas during Christmas.
There is one funny moment that occurred at the Christmas event: my wife’s family is catholic but only my wife’s mom is (semi) religious. My sister in laws husband’s family, however, are super religious. I am (non religious) Jewish. SO…I bought the UGLISET and LOUDEST Chanukah sweater I could find and wore it to the party. It was absolutely freaking hilarious! The results:
1.	Death stare from my MIL as she sees my sweater but, of course, she doesn’t have the ovaries to say anything to me (only to her daughter when I am away because she knows I don’t take sh!t)
2.	My sister in laws MIL and FIL came up to say high and stuttered “Merry Ch….uh…Happy….We don’t know what to say!”. I nearly bust a gut and told them “I’ll take Merry Christmas or happy Chanukah.”. They were SO uncomfortable it was great.
3.	Before we left, there was family picture time. It’s a nice photo….except for the ginormous blue Chanukah sweater that DOMINATES the picture and makes it look like a bar mitzvah party is going on! Apparently, my wife got an earful from her sister about this. Her response was priceless: “Well, he’s Jewish. Do you not want him to be Jewish or something, because I don’t think he’ll be cool with that.” LMAO.

One more comment in response to the poster who said I should nip any conversation about children in the bud: COULDN’T AGREE MORE and I’ve already done this. YEARS ago I had had enough and took some advice I heard either from this site or some other resource. When my MIL mentioned children, I looked her right in the eye and told her this: “Carol, I love you very much but I have told you I don’t discuss this with anyone other than my wife, and I will not discuss this with you. If you continue to ignore my wishes and ask anyway, I’m simply going to get up, walk to my car, and drive home. I’ll still care for you and I won’t be angry, but I won’t allow this inappropriate discussion to occur”. Her jaw dropped to the floor, she got really quiet and said “ok”, and that was it. This is why she is so afraid to say anything to ME and lets loose on her daughter who has always had a hard time with confrontation. This is also why there is so much passive aggressiveness and underhanded shenanigans. 

Anyway, thanks again for the comments! Here's a picture of the sweater I wore (that's not me in the pic).

http://www.amazon.com/Forum-Novelti...d=1420738920&sr=8-4&keywords=chanukah+sweater

-Tharco


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## Tharco

Oh, I almost forgot: My mom had her first chemo treatment three weeks ago. They were very quick in getting her in there after her initial diagnosis. It's been hell for her but she is finally feeling better. Sadly, she goes in for another treatment today so I'm sure she will be feeling terrible again. It's too early to know if it's working, although some blood tests she took the other day were promising.
-Tharco


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## norajane

I'm happy things are somewhat positive for your mother. 

And that is perfectly obnoxious sweater!! I can see how it would dominate a picture, a room, or a football stadium, lol.


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## Blossom Leigh

:rofl: I'm LOVING the sweater and your wife's comeback!! Too funny...

Glad you guys navigated the holidays so well. And you are right... there is nothing that can be done and I am sad for your wife because I have the same issue with my mother and no matter how strong you are on some level it just hurts. Even when you have it "settled" something comes along and triggers it pretty easy. I know she adores your support. Great for you guys and your success. Live well:smthumbup: Great update


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## michzz

Tharco said:


> I’ve earned a full retirement pension by the age of 24* because I started working at the age of 6* and I am currently 12 years into 2 more pensions for the two jobs/careers I am currently engaged in (I am a college professor and also work for the state in a separate capacity)


Is this a typo?

I can't think of any careers outside of Hollywood movies that would hire a six-year-old and pay enough money to retire on so soon.


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## Tharco

Michzz, that's not a typo and you guessed correctly. I was a somewhat successful professional radio, television, and film actor from age 6 until I retired at 24.
-Tharco


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## Blossom Leigh

hmmmmm I might have figured out who you are.

BUT... probably not. Mums the word even if I have.


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## Tharco

Blossom, I'm not famous--in any sense of the word--but my work is well known, I suppose. I did a lot of voice work so my characters are known but (thank goodness) no one would know who I am if they met me on the street.

I appreciate your discretion if you think you know who I am. I didn't chose the name "THARCO" because I thought it would help identify me LOL.
-THARCO


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## Blossom Leigh

No, its not that name that I went off of.

Then if you are not recognizable for the most part this this guy can't be you


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## Tharco

One of the true joys of working in the voice industry is the lack of a face to match the voice  I have always been a very private person so I'm glad I never became famous. That said, when I tell my class who I am and some of the characters I've voiced, they tend to go gaga as they MAY have grown up listening to me LOL. I find it all very strange to be honest. 
-THARCO


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## Blossom Leigh

That's really cool... happy for you.


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