# So she wakes me up for sex?



## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Ok so I have posted here before we have an issue in which she is perfectly content with sex once every week or two. I also have to initiate or that does not happen. However it is always good for us both. Like to say things improved but not really.

So the last time we had sex was 8 days ago and I was starting to get annoyed but really getting tired of bringing it up. I fell asleep and around 1 am she wakes me up by grabbing on me etc. - well I thought this was great as she has never done that. She said well I could not sleep I hope this is ok. Of course I loved it but then as she quickly hoped on me and we started I changed my mind. She was all into it but did not want me to kiss her as I had sleepy breath etc. Of course still felt good but she climaxed quickly and then I could not and I think in my mind I was already getting annoyed. Kissing and that whole connection is a big deal to me but who knows why I just could not come so finally I just said lets stop.

As I struggled to go back asleep I was thinking great now thats it for another week or two. Plus if I woke her up for sex nothing would happen for sure. I am just annoyed I guess. I tried to explain to her the next day that yeah that was nice but I did not really finish and hope we can soon. Cannot recall exactly what she said but sort of like well maybe I should not have woken you or to that effect. 


So would that piss you off? Sort of hard to turn down in middle of night but now wish I would have.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You have to deal with your resentment pronto. MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Ok so just looking for others to comment about how they would handle or think this is or is not a big deal.

"Deal with your resentment"? Not helpful at all.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I TOTALLY get where your coming from as I have had the EXACT same thing happen in the past. Your not wrong to feel that way, but you do need to put the resentment behind you. Test your theory, wake her up and try for the same. If she shuts you down then point out you didn't treat her like that. Then turn the relationship temperature down as per MEM's thread.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I know it doesn't seem fair. She turns you down all the time. If you woke her for sex, she would be angry. This isn't fair.

But what she did is what you want. You want her to initiate. You want more sex. Don't discourage her. 

I can understand you feeling the way you do because of the way she has treated you, but you can't let her know that. 

Thank her! Doing something special for her! You want it to happen more often, not less often. Maybe next time, there will be a better emotional connection.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lay back and get serviced.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I guess I don't understand. She actually initiates (something you want her to do) and wants to have sex with you (another thing you want her to do), yet you are upset because it wasn't exactly what you wanted?

You should have taken full advantage of the situation and rocked her world and let her know how much you loved that! Otherwise, the way you reacted to what she did was completely the opposite of what you've probably been telling her what you want her to do. That would confuse me as a wife.

If you want things to change, then you'll have to change them up. If your wife is complacent and content with your relationship, then she has no motivation whatsoever to change unless she is faced with real consequences.

Just talking to her about it isn't a consequence. See, she isn't really ever going to understand your higher drive anymore than you understand her lower drive. You either have to 1) work toward meeting in the middle somehow (this assumes your partner acknowledges there's something that needs to be addressed), or 2) set consequences if they don't acknowledge there's an issue or refuse to work toward a resolution.

If your partner doesn't acknowledge any problem, then you have to determine what you are willing to live with. If you're willing to put up with it, then you can't blame your wife - you have made your decision.

If you're not willing to put up with it, then decide what you can do to move it forward and what consequence you can tolerate. But since you're here and she's not - you get to take the first step toward resolution.

Best Wishes.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Taken advantage? She would not kiss me! I was half asleep and she came in under 5 minutes. So my problem is that this lame encounter (yes pretty cool she initiated i see but really this is the scraps I get?) will satisfy her for another two weeks. 

I feel like I should have told her no thanks. I mean I am always available and ready at night but to wake me up and then tell me I have bad breath and come before I am even wide awake - sorry sex indeed.

Would you all want this to be your only sexual encounter for the next two weeks?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I hear you. I don't like sex once every two weeks. But saying 'no thanks' wouldn't have helped. And complaining after she 'used you' won't make it any better.

Take what is offered and make the best of it. When she finished, you should have told her, "That was great! Tomorrow will be for ME!". Then you should have planned the next day around having a great night with her. Make her supper, gently slap her butt when you walk by her, whatever turns her on. 

Actually, what I would have done when she finished, was turn her around and did her doggie style, then I could get mine and she wouldn't have to worry about the breath. 

The most important thing was to make her feel good about initiating (so it happens again).


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

SadAmI has some great advice.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife got horny during the night, jumped your bones for a quickie, and you're mad about it. I guess beggars really CAN be choosers.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

How are the other aspects of your marriage? The emotional connection? the talking? spending time together? I am just wondering if you have a great relationship, but the sex is just lacking or if things are just blah all around.

It regards to your original post, you probably would have come had she allowed you to kiss her and not commented about the sleepy breath. Are you able to talk to he about this situation and how to make it better for the next time? Let her know that it would mean a lot to you if she would le you kiss her. Keep a pack of gum right next to the bed. Tell her it was great and ask for a do-over in a couple of nights.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

stritle said:


> and how long have you been together?!? should know by now to keep some damn tic-tacs beside the bed lol.


13 years and that's the first I've heard of that idea HA!!! - great idea though - tic tacs on my shopping list today!!

Normalguy - I have to say I'd agree with your wife on the breath thing - but I know I get pretty funky breath through the course of the night. My wife and I have an unspoken deal - no lip locks during sex after we've been asleep unless we stop to brush - which doesn't happen. Doesn't mean I'm not all over her neck, ears and everywhere else and her me - just no morning breath.

Make it a positive - you've got to reenforce it when she does something you like - even if she doesn't get it exactly right the first few times.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

NormalGuy . . . I get your frustration. And I don't agree with some here that said you should be grateful for whatever you get. This is about you and your wife's sex life and really important. Groggy quickies can be a great part of sex life -but shouldn't be the only part. (Otherwise just go jerk off and be done with it).

I think you did the right thing. I see where you might think that turning her down would have been justified - but i think that would be playing into the opposite dynamic that you're looking for ("you turn me down, I'm turning you down . . . so there!"). 

I'd say that by initiating, she's made a start toward improvement (maybe not all that you wanted, but a start) - and you helped that along by going with it. Instead of second-guessing yourself on this, build on it (as others have said). Do you think you can have a conversation with her about why she did what she did? Was there something about your evening together that put her in the mood (albeit at 1am). Being turned down for sex is a big blow to a guy's ego - thus your frustration (I'd assume). But seize this opportunity and go with it. Good luck!


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

LOL - v funny!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I hear you. I don't like sex once every two weeks. But saying 'no thanks' wouldn't have helped. And complaining after she 'used you' won't make it any better.
> 
> Take what is offered and make the best of it. When she finished, you should have told her, "That was great! Tomorrow will be for ME!". Then you should have planned the next day around having a great night with her. Make her supper, gently slap her butt when you walk by her, whatever turns her on.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

i think you should apologize to her and tell her that you are glad she did that, it just surprised you the first time coming out of a sleep like that but after thinking about it more it is actually a big turn on and thank her for her efforts, then get a little bottle of scope for next to the bed.

im glad my love for my syrum over powers sleep breath. i dont mind getting kisses WHEN EVER.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

SadSamIam - 

Yeah I think that is a good way to handle it. That is what I did --- and guess what nothing! This is my point of frustration. Yes not the end of world but no matter how I tell her or don't tell her it just does not seem to sink in. Our marriage is pretty solid overall but this is a big problem for me.

Honestly just starting to lose attraction and not even wanting to bother with it - wish we could just go 100% platonic sometimes. It is too frustrating. She is not a prude when we have sex it is good for us both -- but why is this such a chore I mean I feel like I do all the work anyway. Oh well thanks for replies and waiting for a book to come in called Sex Starved Marriage this might help who knows.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

So we finally had a talk about it and she said no she would not like it if I woke her up for sex but that if I ever wanted to wake her up for a deep discussion about something that would be fine. 

Yeah that is going to happen. We went round and round and I finally said enough as she always tries to convince me of her side every time we argue. The questions get sharper and her responses always express disbelief in my answers. I finally just told why can't you ever compromise with me? I think this is a big part of the problem in that she just feels 100% correct about a few things and it seems the only way she really responds or listens to me is after a big disagreement. Well that does not last too long and I hate to argue at all. 

I know it could be much worse and I am sure by the time I have ED we will get it all figured out.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Seriously, for many women, a deep discussion with their husband can be very satisfying and even arousing (sometimes even more so than sex-women you can correct me if I am wrong). It sounds like she would like to talk more with you. You don't like the lack of sex, she doesn't like the lack of deep conversation. Both of you have things you need to work on in this relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

normalguy said:


> Ok so I have posted here before we have an issue in which she is perfectly content with sex once every week or two. I also have to initiate or that does not happen. However it is always good for us both. Like to say things improved but not really.
> 
> So the last time we had sex was 8 days ago and I was starting to get annoyed but really getting tired of bringing it up. I fell asleep and around 1 am she wakes me up by grabbing on me etc. - well I thought this was great as she has never done that. She said well I could not sleep I hope this is ok. Of course I loved it but then as she quickly hoped on me and we started I changed my mind. She was all into it but did not want me to kiss her as I had sleepy breath etc. Of course still felt good but she climaxed quickly and then I could not and I think in my mind I was already getting annoyed. Kissing and that whole connection is a big deal to me but who knows why I just could not come so finally I just said lets stop.
> 
> ...


No it would not piss me off. I would claim it did not count in the once a week. As the once a week was not quickie sex. You need full intimate sex. You need to encourage her to be involved in this quickie sex. It is a good thing. Just not a substitute for the full blown deal. Go with that.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Dude take it when she initiates. As far as the kissing issue when my wife and I wake in the middle of the night to do it we don't even consider each others breath our mouths lock. Passion over rides night breath. I agree with the other poster that suggested turning her around and finishing doggy style, give her a good pounding and get rid of some that resentment at the same time bro ! Hang tough normalguy, don't given or quit dude !


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

thanks all --

Brian - I do think you are right about how some women really get into the deep conversations and find it arousing. I know that my wife is like that ---- but I have known that for a long time and the problem is that trying to meet this need for her does not result in her trying to meet my needs. 

Right now just backing off a bit and living life. Hoping she figures this out as this is not a riddle for me to solve.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Man, I just can't sympathize. Haven't you ever orgasmed first & not satisfied your partner? Women put up with that countless times a day. I really don't see why you are so upset about this. After all, you were the one who decided to quit & just go to sleep. 

Anyway, all you have to do to prevent this in the future is to reject her advances unless she agrees to make sure you are satisfied before she is. (Can you hear my sarcasam?)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kelevra said:


> Dude take it when she initiates. As far as the kissing issue when my wife and I wake in the middle of the night to do it we don't even consider each others breath our mouths lock. Passion over rides night breath. I agree with the other poster that suggested turning her around and finishing doggy style, give her a good pounding and get rid of some that resentment at the same time bro ! Hang tough normalguy, don't given or quit dude !


Yes. Encourage this type of impromptu sex. It is awesome. It is all good. It does not replace the other times. Go with it dude. Gee whiz!!!

Like this post says make it passionate.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Ok I think some of you don't quite get it - we have sex like once every 10 days so I was bummed that this lame encounter would it be it for a week or more. And it has been almost a week -- guess what no more sex. 

Have I ever came and not satisfied her? Actually that almost never happens.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

normalguy said:


> Ok I think some of you don't quite get it - we have sex like once every 10 days so I was bummed that this lame encounter would it be it for a week or more. And it has been almost a week -- guess what no more sex.
> 
> Have I ever came and not satisfied her? Actually that* almost *never happens.


Almost never is not never. I get it that less than once a week is not enough, but that did not seem to be the point of your post.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

normalguy said:


> Ok I think some of you don't quite get it - we have sex like once every 10 days so I was bummed that this lame encounter would it be it for a week or more. And it has been almost a week -- guess what no more sex.
> 
> Have I ever came and not satisfied her? Actually that almost never happens.


No I get that. I am saying you should not get that. If she wakes you up in the middle of the night or otherwise has a quickie, that is above and beyond all other sex. Tell her this. Tell her it was awesome her waking you in the night. She can do that any time. BUT it does not count for the every ten days.

Yes, I understand she is giving you trickle sex with the every ten days.

So have you tried Athol's book? Married Man Sex Life

He talks about running the MAP. Maybe you should try this.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I would work on continuing to meet her needs. Have a deep conversation with her where you respect her thoughts and do a lot of listening. Marriage is not about "I'll take care of your needs if you take care of mine." It is about loving and serving your spouse unconditionally. Hopefully they will love and serve you back unconditionally, but that can't be the reason for you to love them.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Cara - you seem to be stuck on this but let me tell you that she has had an orgasm every time we have had sex in the last few years. I almost always do but sometimes not - and that does not bother me so much only when I know it will be weeks until we have sex again. So all in all in our married life she is like 99% having an orgasm and I am like 90%. The fact that I had trouble coming was not that big of a deal it was more that it was lame sex and while our frequency is really low at least it is usually good.

Brian - I think you are really right on but it is tough when I am making efforts to meet her needs but feel that mine are discounted. It is a fine line though in which one does not feel respected but yet I don't want to go down the be a jerk etc. route that many many guys on here preach about.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think for some women the fact that they have an orgasm is not as relevant to them as is the fact that they are emotionally connected to their spouse. I am not sure you can tie the fact that your wife has an orgasm every time to believing that should then make her more desirous of sex. It may require more of an emotional connection for her to want to have sex more.

I think one of the keys to determining what kind of success you will have is the level of commitment of you and your spouse. How willing is your spouse to acknowledge your needs? How willing is your spouse to work on compromising to meet those needs? And that goes the other way as well, how willing are you to acknolwedge your wife's needs, and how willing are you to work at compromising to meet her needs?

If you and your wife haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs" together (and go look through their web-site together), I would recommend it.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

You know normal guy I get where you are coming from 100% and completely understand the frustration you're feeling. 
Unfortunately that doesn't mean I have any help for you.

For a couple of years sex has been played entirely on my wife's terms. Much like it seems your wife does she has 46 different rules for each encounter. It may be no kissing, it may be socks on, it may be 3/4 clothed on the bed sideways......whatever it is, it's irrelevant.

Now the last couple of times I have just stopped cold. I'm responsible for initiating 100% of the time and then I'm given the "reward" of having sex entirely on her terms. As soon as she pulls out different rules I will ask if she's here for sex or not, and a pretty "blah" answer is returned. When she starts with rules again, I stop cold.

I'm comfortable with no sex over crappy *****y whiny sex. 

I think you need to give your wife a huge amount of credit for attempting to initiate, but she must also accept you're allowed to return the favor and she needs to meet you in the middle somewhere on this.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm sorry, I can't help but read your post and wonder what got her so aroused to wake you up for a quickie when she doesn't normally initiate. Maybe it doesn't matter? 

I'd love to be woken up for sex. I wouldn't be so keen to be left unsatisfied though, unless it was part of some role-playing fantasy thing. Would the idea of having control excite her? I'd agree with encouraging her prowess though. Next time ask her to satisfy you before the late-night party is completely over.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Your wife will never do it again, you blew it big time!! Im an not trying to be mean i am just saying.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

I think Enchantment is right on and I have tried to discuss this need with my wife, but like a lot of the low-drive wives you read about on here it just don't make much difference.

So to answer some questions she woke me up for sex due to insomnia. I can't even count the times she fell asleep and I could not and part of my anger is due to her acknowledgement that no it would not be ok for me to wake her up for sex.

I sort of crack up at a few of you on hear that think I blew it or messed up due to my reaction later. What could I mess up? This was not some sexual awakening on her part - it was an extremely rare isolated selfish event.

Pretty much back in our ****ty routine with sex saved for the nights all the stars align etc.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

because of the fact that a guy can usually respond quickly for sex and a woman can't, i think your resentment over that is wrong. i have been woken up in the middle of the night and got things going quickly. if you wake a woman up in the middle of the night, physically things just don't fire up the same.

but i understand the feeling that you just bought yourself another few weeks of no sex.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Why would you think it's physically easier for a man to get aroused from a deep sleep than a women? If anything, I would have thought the opposite.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

This just happened to me the other night. My husband and I have not been having sex too often. I was REALLY in the mood and woke him up for sex. We did it and it did not last long at all. He lasted less than five minutes. I was pissed because after that he went back to sleep and did not pleasure me at all. The next day I expressed how I wish he would have taken care of me and showed more affection through kissing, foreplay etc. He said he was exhausted and felt oligated to have sex with me. So... he pretty much had sex with me to shut me up. I know where you are coming from with feeling resentful. As humans we need more meaningful, more connected sex. I feel like most of the time it is all about him.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

I meant *obligated


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