# Does "Radical Honesty" work?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

The concept of Radical Honesty as I understand it means that there are literally no secrets in the relationship. That means you are free to ask anything, and expect an answer. This includes where you are going, who you'll be with, what you did, full access to each other's phones, email, bank and credit accounts, anything and everything. 

Most people agree that secrets kill a relationship. They breed mistrust and resentment and in this day of anonymous IM's, texts and emails, can easily lead to affairs. Radical honesty short circuits all of that by never allowing secrets to start and develop into problems. There is, however, a cost to privacy.

What are your thoughts? 

How about if there's been infidelity in the relationship or previous relationships? A necessity then?


Thanks in advance.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

I don't think you describe the spirit of the principle as I see it, it's a good question! YES, you are correct in the openness of the accounts, passwords, etc... but it's more about what you disclose when you are not asked.

Sharing feelings that your partner does not know you have, or is not direct enough in their questions, is central to the principle. It is not a golden ticket for the transcript of every conversation and thought your partner has.

And I definitely have seen over and over that the proponents of privacy in marriages are people with secrets they want to hide for their own selfish and manipulative purposes.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The way Radical Honesty is described in the Marriage Builders program is a bit more than what you described above. It would include being forthcoming with any information that affects your spouse.

So for instance, if you are developing a crush on a co-worker, this affects your spouse. You may want to argue that it doesn't affect your spouse, but it most certainly does if you ask the spouse. Therefore, yes it does affect them.

In this case, using Radical Honesty, you would be obligated to tell your spouse about the crush.

So not only does RH apply to being open and honest and transparent, but it also applies to things that you might not want to say but since it does affect your spouse, you need to do it, no matter what kind of trouble you will be in.

The theory is that, if you are both on board with being Radically Honest with each other, then there will be no way a secret relationship can develop, because the moment it felt like a crush, it would have to be discussed honestly.

There are many other ways this affects the relationship. Such as spending money you don't want to tell your spouse about, or engaging in behaviors like gambling. As long as both spouses are truly being radically honest, then even if they do end up engaging in behavior that isn't good in marriage, it can at least be disclosed and discussed. This way, the other spouse gets a chance to KNOW that their spouse is engaging in these behaviors. Addictions and affairs thrive in the dark, in secrecy. When you shine the flashlight on them, they can't grow into scary moldy things.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

What you both say makes good sense. So it's a more proactive honesty than just no secrets. I can see how that would be effective in preventing any kind of unwanted relationships or other problems.

How do most people think of that? It seems to me that many might view it as too extreme.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Interesting. We are doing this. But I wouldn't call it radical. Seems pretty normal to us.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> What you both say makes good sense. So it's a more proactive honesty than just no secrets. I can see how that would be effective in preventing any kind of unwanted relationships or other problems.
> 
> How do most people think of that? It seems to me that many might view it as too extreme.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe those that think it is too extreme are those that have something they want to hide. (like my ex!) Why would there be any other reason to oppose it? I wish I had learned of this concept before I ever got married, I would probably be in a much different place now! Any relationship I may have in the future, will have to include RH. I have been through entirely too much sh!t in my past to deal with any more dishonesty from a man.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Most people are not honest, let alone radically honest.... Self protection is the rule. 

But this is the human condition. To fight against our first instinct so we can build something greater. This policy is so simple and perfect, but for most it would be impossible.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> The way Radical Honesty is described in the Marriage Builders program is a bit more than what you described above. * It would include being forthcoming with any information that affects your spouse*.
> 
> So for instance, if you are developing a crush on a co-worker, this affects your spouse. You may want to argue that it doesn't affect your spouse, but it most certainly does if you ask the spouse. Therefore, yes it does affect them.
> 
> ...


Excellent Explaining Faithful Wife :smthumbup:...

Me & mine has never read or did the Marriage Builders Program... but we've used this approach/ this openness lifestyle since we were teens... and into our marriage... My record for keeping something from him (never said I was perfect) is 3 days. 

He is the same...can't keep a secret from me... even if it's not "*juicy*" as I would call it.....he still can't do it...I was very touched about a month ago.....his Mom wanted him to keep something from me.... it bothered him ...I think he spilled it 2 days later...

He was going on how he felt so much better now, saying he can't keep NOTHING from me/ like a weight lifted , said I am his soul mate & all that jazz....he had me laughing how this little itty bitty thing was bothering him..... what a man of truth & honor. It was like "NOTHING" really..and I would have learned of it a couple weeks later anyway. 

Now some may have an issue with that (ya know, a friend confides something in you but you tell your husband & vice versa)... With us....this is how that works... *ANYTHING he shares with me ENDS WITH ME....and Anything I share with him -ENDS with him... Neither one of us are busy bodies...and we can keep a secret till death -just not from each other.* 

All my friends know how we are, thicker than thieves..Once my GF , after pouring her heart out to me...all her relationship woes...then wanted my husband's opinion...& to get back to her. She knew. 

My husband is not insecure, he knows he is* THE MAN*...our many yrs together with this type of openness has it's well built foundation ...he knows every friend of his I found ...this is hardly a big deal to us...(we laugh about it today as the one is missing teeth , big gut & an alcoholic)..... I also know what turns his head..down to the detail. If he talks to some woman out & about I am eager to hear the conversation....I know where his  is at... I really have no need to worry about a woman's intentions...I fully trust him to hold his boundary- just as he does me. 

I call this a "*willing giving transparency*"...makes for some darn interesting conversations too! 

Did a thread on this ~ wanting to shed further light on how this works..and it's Value....but it takes 2 very secure people -who know what they have, how much their love means to the other...and the less lies you have in the past, the better.. 

I can't say my husband has ever lied to me, he has hid PORN but if I asked , he told me the truth....and ME, I am a bit TOO honest, to the point of being Brash or rude....but he says he'll happily take the good with the bad...cause when it's Good...it's REEALLLYYY GOOOOOOOD. and he knows it's from the heart. 

When a couple lives & shares LIKE THIS...you catch everything at the *"seed" level*... 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html









Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I don't know OP...this is pretty radical. That would mean that you would have to communicate to your spouse and let him/her know if something is bothering you and vice versa. It also means that you would have to share financial info with your spouse so that you know what he/she make - possibly even going outside the box and having joint bank accounts.

Acting like your marriage is meant to be a team effort (no I in team) is really thinking outside the box in today's world.


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't know OP...this is pretty radical. That would mean that you would have to communicate to your spouse and let him/her know if something is bothering you and vice versa. It also means that you would have to share financial info with your spouse so that you know what he/she make - possibly even going outside the box and having joint bank accounts.
> 
> Acting like your marriage is meant to be a team effort (no I in team) is really thinking outside the box in today's world.


Hmm... Facetious or not? Seems to me that combining everything is the point. No secrets, no surprises.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tommy 509...I'm pretty sure Plan 9 was being facetious.

Tommy 518 said: "How do most people think of that? It seems to me that many might view it as too extreme."

My husband and I both struggled with Radical Honesty and a few other principals in the Marriage Builders program. We were both stubbornly independant and had a difficult time giving that up.

But our love demanded it from us. Our love was too big to be denied and it literally forced us to learn how to live interdependantly instead of independently. To do this, we had to agree to honesty and to making joint decisions.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

This is an interesting one. I used to belong to the "100% transparency and tell everything on your mind" camp. 

To me, it was a no-brainer. This is the closest person in your life, if you can't tell him what's on your mind then what's the point. Everything was unfiltered and brutally honest. For me, I was being true and honest and in my mind, surely this is to make us close.

WRONG! In retrospect, I think I was unboundaried and insensitive I used to talk about ex bf's like I was talking about this mornings breakfast. Very non-chalant and matter of fact, because that's how I feel about them, so, to me, It wasn't such a big deal to share things I've done or places I've been with my ex's as I don't have feelings for them anymore and I could well be talking about my neighbours pet! It was just sharing of random thoughts etc.

I've since realised that this is probably inappropriate and may hurt his feelings (although he never says anything). On the whole, when we're in a good place, it's ok and it's taken by him with a pinch of salt as he knows I like to talk, but, recently, I have tried to be more sensitive, and if a random thing reminds me of something I think may hurt him, I think twice before I say anything.

In summary, we still hold to 100% transparency. But I believe, for him this is on a functional level. On an emotional level, I wonder if he keeps things from me (real feelings) as he tries to figure out what they mean first rather than just blabbing them out like I do, unfiltered.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What's the point of calling this radical. A lot of people still don't agree with transparency in a relationship and calling it radical seems to suggest that there is something wrong with it and should be avoided.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> What's the point of calling this radical. A lot of people still don't agree with transparency in a relationship and calling it radical seems to suggest that there is something wrong with it and should be avoided.


I think "radical" just implies that for many who live in closed marriages with little transparency, it is a radical concept and takes a significant change in attitude and behavior to adapt to it. It's certainly not implying that it's a bad thing. I believe it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

From personal experience radical honesty or complete transparency will most of the time come back and bite you in the ass. This is the reason why only stupid people talk when they have been arrested. Honesty can and will be used against you in the court of law. My father once told me that not everything that you think should be said, but think about everything you say. The point being is that for some folks brutal honestly is either not necessary, not welcome or just plain a waste of time. 

My point is folks is that just because you feel or think something doesn't mean you automatically need to express it for the sake of honesty. Do you look fat in that dress? Yes you do because your ass is huge but I love that ass and I honestly want to see it without that dress. If I was brutually honest and said that, I would have been called an Ahole AND a pig. The filtered honesty would be "You look amazing and I want to eat you up! You sexy chunky butt!" I love you!


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Sanity said:


> From personal experience radical honesty or complete transparency will most of the time come back and bite you in the ass. This is the reason why only stupid people talk when they have been arrested. Honesty can and will be used against you in the court of law. My father once told me that not everything that you think should be said, but think about everything you say. The point being is that for some folks brutal honestly is either not necessary, not welcome or just plain a waste of time.
> 
> My point is folks is that just because you feel or think something doesn't mean you automatically need to express it for the sake of honesty. Do you look fat in that dress? Yes you do because your ass is huge but I love that ass and I honestly want to see it without that dress. If I was brutually honest and said that, I would have been called an Ahole AND a pig. The filtered honesty would be "You look amazing and I want to eat you up! You sexy chunky butt!" I love you!


You're talking like a lawyer. You're saying you should hide things so they don't come back to bite you in the a$$ later. Is that right? Why are you doing those things in the first place if they have to be hidden to protect you? If you're doing something in a relationship that you have to keep hidden because you know your partner won't like it or you shouldn't be doing it, then the problem is that your doing those things, not that your partner found out about them. Almost certainly, in those cases, you'd be upset if you knew your partner was doing those same things and hid them from you. That's no way to manage a healthy relationship. If everything's in the open, neither partner is likely to do inappropriate things in the first place.

And obviously, we're not talking about "does this dress make me look fat" kind of truth. Just significant things.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> You're talking like a lawyer. You're saying you should hide things so they don't come back to bite you in the a$$ later. Is that right? Why are you doing those things in the first place if they have to be hidden to protect you? If you're doing something in a relationship that you have to keep hidden because you know your partner won't like it or you shouldn't be doing it, then the problem is that your doing those things, not that your partner found out about them. Almost certainly, in those cases, you'd be upset if you knew your partner was doing those same things and hid them from you. That's no way to manage a healthy relationship. If every thing's in the open, neither partner is likely to do inappropriate things in the first place.
> 
> And obviously, we're not talking about "does this dress make me look fat" kind of truth. Just significant things.



Relax. I was not referring to game changers like infidelity or other major issues that have permanent effects on relationships. By the way, I'm not a lawyer but I can't tell you from experience that brutal honesty can get you in trouble with some emotionally immature people or folks with mental disorders. I would even venture to say that as a means of survival with a mentally ill spouse you might have to omit certain truths just to get through the day. 

With my EX I remember doing freelance consulting work that was great money but EVERYTIME I was honest about it being for a woman regardless of what she looked like it was a week long fight about it. It was just exausting to deal with this emotional immaturity even thought I did it because I was trying to give our family a better life. I ended up just telling her it was a male client. Sorry honesty was wasted her. Some people do not deserve honesty if they are going to attack you for it.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Relax. I was not referring to game changers like infidelity or other major issues that have permanent effects on relationships. By the way, I'm not a lawyer but I can't tell you from experience that brutal honesty can get you in trouble with some emotionally immature people or folks with mental disorders. I would even venture to say that as a means of survival with a mentally ill spouse you might have to omit certain truths just to get through the day.
> 
> With my EX I remember doing freelance consulting work that was great money but EVERYTIME I was honest about it being for a woman regardless of what she looked like it was a week long fight about it. It was just exausting to deal with this emotional immaturity even thought I did it because I was trying to give our family a better life. I ended up just telling her it was a male client. Sorry honesty was wasted her. Some people do not deserve honesty if they are going to attack you for it.



Okay. Thanks for the clarification. I agree that there has to be reasonable boundaries and if your partner isn't mature enough and capable of dealing with reasonable associations, then adjustments might be required, but they should still be discussed to a mutually acceptable level. Everybody is different, but I still think the underlying principle of complete openness and honesty is very important.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I confided in my (now ex) husband that I was not comfortable with the wife of one of his friends. HE admitted later that he felt the need to compensate for that admission be being even nicer to her at the same time that both she and my exH's friend were completely dismissive of me.

This happened early on in our marriage. It does make you want to rethink total honesty even with your partner.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"just sharing of random thoughts" is not transparency.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sanity said: "If I was brutually honest and said that, I would have been called an Ahole AND a pig."

My husband says something similar to me all the time and I love him for it. It makes me jump him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NextTime said: "I confided in my (now ex) husband that I was not comfortable with the wife of one of his friends. HE admitted later that he felt the need to compensate for that admission be being even nicer to her at the same time that both she and my exH's friend were completely dismissive of me.

This happened early on in our marriage. It does make you want to rethink total honesty even with your partner."


Seems like this should make you rethink your partner, not honesty. He was honest with you, too. He showed you who he is.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> NextTime said: "I confided in my (now ex) husband that I was not comfortable with the wife of one of his friends. HE admitted later that he felt the need to compensate for that admission be being even nicer to her at the same time that both she and my exH's friend were completely dismissive of me.
> 
> This happened early on in our marriage. It does make you want to rethink total honesty even with your partner."
> 
> ...


That's easy to say, but I have found myself in similar situations, ie confiding in my parents what I think about someone only to be reminded, well that's what you think....... Unfortunately, I seem to be surrounded by people who use whatever I say as justification for their own poor behavior. This is why I keep more of my opinion to myself.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sanity said: "If I was brutually honest and said that, I would have been called an Ahole AND a pig."
> 
> My husband says something similar to me all the time and I love him for it. It makes me jump him.


LOL Awesome. Your man is blessed!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I confided in my (now ex) husband that I was not comfortable with the wife of one of his friends. HE admitted later that he felt the need to compensate for that admission be being even nicer to her at the same time that both she and my exH's friend were completely dismissive of me.
> 
> This happened early on in our marriage. It does make you want to rethink total honesty even with your partner.


As men we need reasons for feelings AND pettiness is a non-starter. When you confided about your discomfort did you give him specifics on why you didn't like her or was it about insecurity issues?

My EX hated my friends and even said that one of my good friends looked like a pedophile and I that I should not hang out with him. The guy is as harmless as a basket of wet kittens but since he lost a lot of weight after stomach reduction surgery and he shaved his head he looks emaciated. 

Can you imagine if I told my friend? I basically told the EX to keep her thoughts to herself because calling somebody a pedophile in any context is disgusting especially if they do not do that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife and I strive to be honest with each other and are 100% transparent. Now we're not perfect and there are times where we have each lied to each other before - like telling your wife the house is cleaned up if she's out and about while in reality the kids and I didn't start cleaning yet. Sure, not the right thing to do but everyone will fail at some point or another. It's part of being human. But in the end we strive to be as honest as possible. But here are some thoughts about what "radical" honesty is and isn't.


If your spouse asks you bout what you are feeling right now, be honest about what's going on.
It's OK to tell your spouse that you are bothered with something if asked, but you are not ready to say the exact issue that is bothering you. An example may be that you have feelings of jealousy/anger over your spouse getting a big promotion at work while you are toiling away feeling screwed by your company. I think it's more than fair to tell your spouse that you are upset about something, but you need to work it out in your head yourself and will then tell him/her about it later when you can better collect your thoughts.
It does not mean that you volunteer tons of info about your sexual past if he/she is not asking you for this info. This is just volunteering info that is probably not wanted. It's annoying.
If your spouse does something that bothers you, you need to say something right away.
It does not mean that you divulge your private life to 3rd parties so that people know exactly what's going on in your marriage. Of course,soliciting for advice or venting on TAM is OK IMHO because we're all anonymous.

Just some thoughts off the top of my head.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NextTime said: "That's easy to say, but I have found myself in similar situations, ie confiding in my parents what I think about someone only to be reminded, well that's what you think....... Unfortunately, I seem to be surrounded by people who use whatever I say as justification for their own poor behavior. This is why I keep more of my opinion to myself."


Well, two things.

One, Radical Honesty doesn't have to apply with every person in your life, ie: your parents. The concept is how to apply it in marriage, which is a different relationship than any other. A marriage is sort of like a business with two partners. The partners will suffer equally from dishonesty in marriage. But the same isn't true with our parents. 

Two, "sharing your opinion" isn't the same thing as Radical Honesty. If your opinion doesn't affect your spouse and you don't have some reason for sharing it, it doesn't have to be worn on your sleeve. I find my partner dazzlingly sexy...but I only tell him that a few times per day, even though it is my opinion 100% of my day. Too much sharing of opinions isn't part of Radical Honesty either.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Ok, how about this one (and I've been thinking about this for some time)

My H doesn't know I use this site. Not that I've kept it from him, neither has he asked me and that I've lied. I've just chosen to keep this as a healing tool for myself.

In the past, I would have felt compelled to tell him about something so big, ie, something that is helping me to improve and better myself. But in this instance, I feel like if he knew and was reading my posts I wouldn't be able to be 100% honest in what I wrote.

I must admit, it feels really odd and like I'm keeping a secret as I don't log on if he's around BUT I think it's healthy in a way as I'm trying to contain my thoughts and emotions. Trying to process them here with TAM users so that my relationship with him can be better. 

Usually I "spill" out all over the place. Coming here helps me think things through and communicate differently.

I can rationalise why i'm not telling him but it still feels funny though, like I'm keeping something from him.

Thoughts?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

empty3 said:


> Ok, how about this one (and I've been thinking about this for some time)
> 
> My H doesn't know I use this site. Not that I've kept it from him, neither has he asked me and that I've lied. I've just chosen to keep this as a healing tool for myself.
> 
> ...


Apply the golden rule.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Relax.


This tactic is used to pretend someone that simply disagrees is acting crazy, out of control, or irrational. 




> brutal honesty can get you in trouble with some emotionally immature people or folks with mental disorders.


Bait and switch. First you state complete honesty will most of the time "bite you in the ass", but now you roll in dealing with immature or insane people to defend that statement.

You should not be marrying emotionally immature or insane people, and if you do the job at hand is to fix their immaturity, not to become a skilled liar. 




> With my EX I remember doing freelance consulting work that was great money but EVERYTIME I was honest about it being for a woman regardless of what she looked like it was a week long fight about it. It was just exausting to deal with this emotional immaturity even thought I did it because I was trying to give our family a better life. I ended up just telling her it was a male client. Sorry honesty was wasted her. Some people do not deserve honesty if they are going to attack you for it.


This is a great lesson in deceptive argumentation. You rely on your lies never being detected. 

If someone is emotionally immature about you working with women then they are going to go through the roof when they discover you are lying about it. Once you are a proven liar, logic dictates scrutinizing whatever you do, since you cannot be trusted. 

People who favor lying as a fundamental part of their character will belittle truth-tellers and use these deceptive arguments. What you'll find though is they do not lie to protect themselves from insane people. Lying is just a regular affair for them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sanity said:


> My point is folks is that just because you feel or think something doesn't mean you automatically need to express it for the sake of honesty. Do you look fat in that dress? Yes you do because your ass is huge but I love that ass and I honestly want to see it without that dress. If I was brutually honest and said that, I would have been called an Ahole AND a pig. The filtered honesty would be "You look amazing and I want to eat you up! You sexy chunky butt!" I love you!


Personally I'd take the " I love that ass and I honestly want to see it without that dress" over the last part... just saying... 

If I look like a wreck & he doesn't like what I am wearing, Yes, I want him to tell me...I want his genuine opinion......he always does this with some humor though...it's HONEST but yet it's buffered with an  *BUT*..... "you've had better days" .... better dresses...or your attitude could use an adjustment. 

He's told me my food looked like Road kill...might go on about how Dry it is....gets the kids involved ... I am not so insecure to let this knock me to the ground....I can laugh in a moment..ya know we're not perfect...we have bad days...so long as it's countered with many delicious comments on other occasions - so I know...Yeah, I am a darn good cook - when I really put the time & effort into it. 

He's called me Bi*tchy on occasion...I wouldn't hold it against him... chances are - he is absolutely right and I'll agree with him. We really CAN and DO say what we think...and in heated arguments too. 

...

In this way...when he says something Wonderful / uplifting/ praiseworthy (the majority of the time by far)... *I know it's genuine* ~ *from the *. It's not misplaced flattery to keep a  on our faces...I wouldn't want that.... That, for me....would hurt far worse and in time...this would come to light...people can tell when others are not being genuine...especially in their own families, living side by side... the attitude & loss of "enthusiasm" gives this away...


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

anonim said:


> Apply the golden rule.


Which is? (sorry if this one is obvious but I genuinely don't know)

I'm guessing it's never lie? But I'm not lying.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You asked what the Golden Rule was >>>>

Also called the *Law Reciprocity*...near 95% of religions have their own version >> Versions of the Golden Rule in 21 world religions



empty3 said:


> Which is? (sorry if this one is obvious but I genuinely don't know)
> 
> I'm guessing it's never lie? But I'm not lying.












The Golden Rule IS too simple to state if one should Never tell a white lie to save someone's feelings...after all the heart can be wicked....Probably best to remain silent/ hold those tongues.....we don't go around and live like Jim Carrey's "Liar Liar" movie...(I enjoyed that one -as most of us THINK like that)

We all have unruly thoughts & have to decide if it is beneficial to open our mouths....or let that drop because it would only hurt & maime someone's spirit / discouraging them...that is just plain wisdom & the Golden Rule to boot. 

Here is how I look at it... If something is BOTHERING my husband about ME... that may lead to some form of *resentment* of his part -leading to "stuffing" to save face, I want to hear about it, I want that conversation opened up! 

I don't want the man to go along in silence to keep the Princess happy, that is basically spoiling and his not holding ME accountable...if I am neglecting his needs or anything like that (which in the past I was, and he stuffed - darn him!)...

We are a team, we need to brainstorm- give it to me STRAIGHT - Lay it on me...I can handle it. 

This doesn't mean he has to be cruel... there is a way to open ANY & every subject *with tact*/ with Love even....

Even if you feel you are falling out of love...should we not go there...but instead STUFF....or find ourselves falling into an EA ...behind their backs...I say NO - this is 100 times worse. 

It is in the "*delivery"* of truth that needs spoken/ our attitudes...that has the power to destroy another...

Being honest, when called for...I see this as "RESPECTING" another .... At the end of the day...we are only as good as "our word"....this is our reputation. 



In our family, it's kinda part of our wicked "sense of humor" to be blatantly honest with each other....we know we are loved / wanted ... If this was missing... that would be a different story. We are all very close, so we "get" each other. 

We LIVE the Golden Rule with others outside our family....but within... we pretty much let it hang loose...(but again laced with some humor.....or we try...we miss it sometimes - may have to apologize... we're not above those things)......

This is to REFINE ourselves in preparation for the outside world... so long as we all know we are greatly loved....one could say ....this IS our buffer. 

Hope this makes some sense.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> This tactic is used to pretend someone that simply disagrees is acting crazy, out of control, or irrational.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree 100% witht the bolded. Further if you find that you justify lying one would have to wonder who is more mature. The liar or the one that is honest about being jealous. 

No one is exempt from telling a white lie in the moment. I think making a habit of "white lies" is different, though, because once lying doesn't seem so bad you'll lie about bigger things in the future.


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