# Absolutely Lost and in Pain



## The Onion (Dec 30, 2019)

I am desperately hopping for some advice. 
I have been married to my wife for the past three years. We have been together for five. I have two kids from previous marriage, she has one. We now have a little baby girl between us who is only two. Up until a year ago my two kids were living with their mom, my ex wife in London. My son who is thirteen has a mild form of autism and my ex isn't we thought in great place to take care of him and meet his needs. After much resistance by my ex she decided to let him come live with us in the US and he's been living with us for the past year. I have to say my wife is the champion of convincing my ex he would be better of with us than her. 
Fast forward a year later our life is turning upside down. Due to behavioral issues both at home and school my wife is finding it hard to cope with my son and to do the right thing to care for him. I am so much attached to my boy and want to do the right thing. He has been making great progress. His grades are improvising a lot, his anger and tantrum is almost nonexistent now. But my wife is unable to see the progress his is making. She is so much afraid of what he may do or say when he is angry. She talks about not having control of the house now. 
My wife suffers from debilitating depression. She has been in and out of treatment for the past few years and having our son at home who himself needs extra help is adding more to the stress and anxiety for us both. Although not an ultimatum she has stated that my son should go back to his mom and she wont be able to take care of him anymore, 
I am faced with either losing my son or my marriage. I tried to find a compromise of some sort to no avail. 
What is the right thing to do. My marriage is in such turmoil now that I do not know how i can fix it. 
Some days I get angry at my wife for not loving my son enough to understand who he means to me, other days I feel so guilty to see my wife in such state that she very much hurt and depressed. The options are send my son back to his mom, deal with the guilt and hope to work in the marriage and not disliking my wife for losing my son, or end the marriage. 
What can I do? I need your advice.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Is it possible to hire someone to help care for your son relieve your wife from doing so? I'm afraid that if you give up your son you will resent your wife and that will eventually destroy your marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How much of your son's care is assumed by you and how much does your wife do?

Your post reads like your wife is responsible for most of his care and that's unreasonable to ask of her.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So play things out in your mind. What does it look like if you lose your marriage? How will you do? How will your current wife do? You already share a child with your current wife, so if you divorced, would it in any way simplify your life and give you more time for your son through prior marriage? 

I don't think splitting from your current wife will simplify anything for anyone. Your son who's made great progress with his mild autism would end up with a dad trying to connect to even more things than he does now.

Somehow you... and your current wife... need to simplify your lives. There must be a way to do so without fear of jeopardizing your son's future. Of course, this shouldn't be new to you, this idea of making things simpler, assuming you knew of your wife's depression prior to marrying her, or at least prior to having a kid. What was the plan then? What's changed?


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## The Onion (Dec 30, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> How much of your son's care is assumed by you and how much does your wife do?
> 
> Your post reads like your wife is responsible for most of his care and that's unreasonable to ask of her.


She takes most of the responsibility in explaining things to him, creating a structure around him and dealing with some of his tantrums when he had them in the past. I am at work most of the day but when I come home I take care of most things in house including cooking, bathing the baby and talking to my son. But i will admit that she spends most times with him as she's mostly at home and he leaves school around 3pm.


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## The Onion (Dec 30, 2019)

Diceplayer said:


> Is it possible to hire someone to help care for your son relieve your wife from doing so? I'm afraid that if you give up your son you will resent your wife and that will eventually destroy your marriage.


Finance is an issue right now to have someone full time but that is something we have been talking about a lot.


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## The Onion (Dec 30, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> So play things out in your mind. What does it look like if you lose your marriage? How will you do? How will your current wife do? You already share a child with your current wife, so if you divorced, would it in any way simplify your life and give you more time for your son through prior marriage?
> 
> I don't think splitting from your current wife will simplify anything for anyone. Your son who's made great progress with his mild autism would end up with a dad trying to connect to even more things than he does now.
> 
> Somehow you... and your current wife... need to simplify your lives. There must be a way to do so without fear of jeopardizing your son's future. Of course, this shouldn't be new to you, this idea of making things simpler, assuming you knew of your wife's depression prior to marrying her, or at least prior to having a kid. What was the plan then? What's changed?


You are right, if we get split up it would mean my son will have to back to his mom as I will not be able to take care of him full time and I will end up losing my wife, my son and my daughter. Simplifying my life would mean sending my son back to his mom and try and make my marriage and put it back together again. My wife thinks I care more my son than I do for her which isn't true. How will i find the courage to explain to my son that I left him for my and my marriage's convenience? What would his relationship be with my wife?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The Onion said:


> She takes most of the responsibility in explaining things to him, creating a structure around him and dealing with some of his tantrums when he had them in the past. I am at work most of the day but when I come home I take care of most things in house including cooking, bathing the baby and talking to my son. But i will admit that she spends most times with him as she's mostly at home and he leaves school around 3pm.


Thanks for responding. This is going to come out harsh and I dont mean it to.....

It's extremely nervy and unfair to leave the bulk of his care to your wife and then pass judgement when she can't handle it.

Guess what? If you divorce who will take care oh him? You'll either have to send him back to his mother anyway or pony up for care for him in addition to child support for the kid you have with her and maybe alimony.

So I'd suggest you get the chip off your shoulder and get her the help she needs. Look into social services to see if they can help.

If I was your wife and took most of the burden of caring for your autistic son, then when I approached you about not being able to handle it your response was to get pissed off that I "didn't love him enough" I'd divorce you now. That is not the attitude of one who has his wife's back and is not going to work out well for you.

Help for your son is going to be much less expensive then a divorce.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Thanks for responding. This is going to come out harsh and I dont mean it to.....
> 
> It's extremely nervy and unfair to leave the bulk of his care to your wife and then pass judgement when she can't handle it.
> 
> ...


Bingo.

Your wife has been a trooper through this, and much of it is falling on her. It's kinda your responsibility here, so figure out how to shift most of it onto you and away from her.

I guess you either need to modify your work schedule, get help, or both. And as it's being pointed out to you here, it's cheaper to do that than divorce. So do that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The Onion said:


> You are right, if we get split up it would mean my son will have to back to his mom as I will not be able to take care of him full time and I will end up losing my wife, my son and my daughter. Simplifying my life would mean sending my son back to his mom and try and make my marriage and put it back together again. My wife thinks I care more my son than I do for her which isn't true. How will i find the courage to explain to my son that I left him for my and my marriage's convenience? What would his relationship be with my wife?


Of course she does...because thus far the only options you've conveyed are send him back to his mother and be pissed off that your wife can't handle the bulk of his care or leaving her to struggle with it. Either way she can't win.

Have you guys done any checking to see if there are support options? Is there better support in the UK?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your son is at school until 3pm. Is there some sort of after school program you can put him in? That way you could pick him up on your way home from work.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Take your son and wife to a HOMEOPATH (if you are in the US it probably should be named naturoprath), especially those who knows a protocol for autism named HDT because its the best one inside homeopathy for autism (but others work too, just slower). He needs it for his amger and autism and she needs for her depression.

Trust me, I was mentally delayed in 3 years when I was 5 and was treated by homeopathy back then (I'm 30). All people will say it doesnt work but I assure you it does.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get your wife into counseling. She needs it. She was so excited about bringing your son here because of her emotions peaking. Now, she is depressed because of all the work she feels needs done. It's a ton of responsibility. Your wife needs help to understand what she has gotten herself into and whether she can handle it. 

She may not be able. Once that happens, you will see there are more than just a few options. Get moving on getting her help. She needs it whether you have your son or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The Onion said:


> Some days I get angry at my wife for not loving my son enough to understand who he means to me, other days I feel so guilty to see my wife in such state that she very much hurt and depressed. The options are send my son back to his mom, deal with the guilt and hope to work in the marriage and not disliking my wife for losing my son, or end the marriage.
> What can I do? I need your advice.


You're a real piece of work.

Your wife did a NICE THING for you by taking in your kid. This is the part where you say *thank you* and it's ALSO the part where you have some damned _compassion _and_ respect_ for the woman who did this for you and your ex-wife, and this is where the two of you THANK her instead of crying and whining about how your wife is responsible for raising yours and your ex's kid. It's pitiful that neither you or this boy's mother were making an honest effort to raise him to the best of either of your ability, yet you just *expect *this child's step-mother to step in and do all the heavy lifting neither you or his mother were clearly willing to do. Freakin' unreal.

Honestly, you and your ex-wife have balls the size of grapefruit just expecting others to do your damned parenting *for *you, and then having the *colossal *nerve to cry and moan about it when the person whose been doing your job FOR you has to back out due to her own health issues.

Not sure why you're suddenly facing the possible "loss of your marriage." You CHOSE to marry and live a continent away from your kid back when you got married, so what's with the sudden drama about the marriage "being over" if your son has to go back to London? That's where he was before your wife was KIND enough to start doing your job for you and your ex-wife in the first place.

I'm amazed at how you manage to blame everyone else for your bad parenting choices.

Therefore, my first piece of advice is, own your sh**.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The Onion said:
> 
> 
> > Some days I get angry at my wife for not loving my son enough to understand who he means to me, other days I feel so guilty to see my wife in such state that she very much hurt and depressed. The options are send my son back to his mom, deal with the guilt and hope to work in the marriage and not disliking my wife for losing my son, or end the marriage.
> ...


That's a little brutal. Scroll up. He is at work paying bill's, then comes home and cooks and takes care of their kids. Nowhere did I read that he expects his wife to do everything only she gets home before him. 

The guy feels like he has to choose between his wife and child. An impossible decision. Have a little compassion.

I dont know the answer. Get her Counseling and look into making the finances work for maybe part time help.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> The guy feels like he has to choose between his wife and child. An impossible decision.


Except that he had no problem choosing to leave his children to start a new life on another continent.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am stepmum to an ASD girl, she also has some other special needs. I am home with her full time, including schooling, and take her to all her therapy and medical appointments. On top of this, I have to manage her behaviour which can be challenging, though it's getting easier as she gets older. She is with us full time, her mother couldn't cope with her. It is absolutely exhausting. There's been some days that have been so rough, that my husband has come home and had to cook dinner and clean up because I literally have nothing left in me.

Thankfully, my husband is very much aware of these challenges, and has my back 100%. If I were to go to him and say I need a break, he wouldn't hesitate to facilitate it. Not for a second. The days that he's had her on his own, have been a real eye opener for him lol. We're also very grateful that we have my Mum for support too.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all doom and gloom. My girl is bright, brilliant and becoming more capable and independent as she gets older, there are now many more good than bad days, and some days are fabulous. But it is still a butt load of work, and for you to be annoyed with your wife for reaching out to you, is below the belt my friend.

You owe your wife an apology, and need to figure out how to best help your son AND keep your marriage. You don't have to choose, it doesn't have be either/or.


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## FastNFurious (Jan 23, 2020)

I can help a little bit here. Does he have an Autism diagnosis from a doctor? If so, you should be able to get Behavior Support thru your insurance. My Fiance is a Behavioral Analyst that specializes in in Home Services. There are agencies all around the country that send techs to your home and help work on things with your child and at the same time teach you how to respond to their behaviors to put them on extinction. A simple search should yield some results. If he is super high functioning he may not get many hours but after some time it will help everyone work together to change these behaviors.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Here's what I think. You are wrongly attributing your feelings of anger to a fault within your wife, rather than as a byproduct of your feelings regarding your son. I think what you are actually angry at is that your son is hard to care for, that having a child with special needs is hard on a marriage, that it is hard on you, and that bringing your son the US hasn't been the fairytale reunion you were hoping for. A lot of parents of special needs children do that, whether they recognize it or not or are willing to admit it or not. It's easier, and feels better, to put those feelings towards your spouse rather than your child. After all, your spouse is an adult. If all of this is due to a fault in your wife then she has the capacity to fix that and change it or she can take the fault for it. Only a terrible parent would feel that way about their child and their diagnosis, right? WRONG. Having a child with special needs is HARD. It's hard on the parents as individuals, it's hard on the family, and it's hard on the marriage, but it can also be a tremendous benefit if you allow it to be. Some people don't like hearing that but it's true and admitting that is not diminishing your child's worth or saying you are a failure as a parent. 

You are looking at this situation and only seeing the two extremes: abandoning your child or abandoning your wife. Why is there no middle ground? Why are EITHER of those even an option in your mind? You chose to be a husband and a father and there are responsibilities that come with that. You need to support your wife and take care of your children. Most parents do not have the option to say "Well, this is too hard for me. I give up. I'm shipping my child across the ocean!". 

It has already been proven, by your son's progress, that he is better off with you and your wife than with your ex-wife. So, you need to do what is best for your son. Your wife is telling you that she is overwhelmed and that she needs help. So, you need to find a solution for that. For the sake of your wife, son, family, and marriage, you need to figure out ways to reduce stress and workload. Focus on THAT, not the two extremes of abandoning your child or wife. I'm willing to bet that your wife does not actually want to send your son back to the UK. She is overwhelmed, and fatigued, and wants and needs help. 

Can you shift responsibilities around? You said that you do most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. and that your wife does most of the care for your son. If caring for your son is too much, then why not make him YOUR responsibility while you are home? Can you look after the kids while she cooks dinner? Is there an after school program that you can use? Are there government support programs for ASD? Can friends or family help? Are there local ASD groups that can help? Are there services that can help your wife learn to cope? Does your ex-wife pay child support? If so, can you request a revision to help pay for relief services? Talk to the school and see if they have any suggestions. Find other parents in your area who have children with autism and talk to them. Figure out what they are doing to fight parental fatigue and try to implement that into your lives. 

Raising a child with special needs is hard, and it is further complicated when a mentally ill spouse is added to the mix. Trust me, I know, but divorce and abandonment are not the answer. 

You need to identify the problem, then fight against that problem _with_ your wife rather than fighting against each other. You need to be listening to one another, not just hearing each other. And you need to turn towards one another, rather than away from each other.


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