# How to handle the next step??



## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi, I'm ready to get out..today actually looked over the retainer agreement and statement of net worth I threw in the trunk of my car a month ago.
My 2 kids are extremely upset, they are 13 & 15, the worst ages for this!!! Husband off the wall lately, already wrote about that in other posts..
Tonight he kept yelling about something..I finally just told him to shut up. He then yelled, don't tell me to shut up, I will strangle you!! He then went on for another hour that he " knows he is crazy", knows he can't control himself", knows that he will "do something nutty if I file for divorce", etc. Tells me I better figure out a way to get him out of the house if I file. Then he calms down and starts saying he wants to go to marriage counseling. Then he freaks out again. I already have 4 police reports for incidents involving threats like this.
I was wondering, do I just file for divorce and hope he doesn't go crazy? Or, do I go get a restraining order.? Not sure if I have enough for that,.
Just scared of the aftermath!!! Kids really reacting though, so I can't delay this anymore.


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

I have tried everything, 4 marriage counselors, weekend retreats, etc.Nothing ever changes. Both of my kids are suffering so much. He escalates things to a level that just makes things unbearable..last night it went on for hours..until our daughter screamed at him to stop..he keeps insisting on coming to therapy with me now again, but I can't keep doing this. I'm completely overwhelmed and exhausted. He always wins because I'm so afraid of what is going to happen if I leave him. My heart is just broken for my kids because they have to live in this war zone. I'm so afraid for them...but now feel frozen again. I don't want him to be removed from the house, don't want to this craziness..but he will not stop. What kind of mother am I for putting my 2 kids thru this???? Honestly hating myself right now.


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Oh p.s my therapist gave husband a name and phone # of a therapist he could go to for himself. He refused, says he doesn't need it.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

You are a better mother for being strong and showing them that no difficult it might be you should end an abusive and unhappy marriage. You're setting a better example than if you were staying.


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

My kids have motivated me to finally do something. Even though they have been thru so much they will still beg me not to divorce their father. I spent the day in family court the other day. It was a truly awful experience. Referee was a woman who was cold and condescending. She rejected my request for a stay away order and only gave a "refrain from harassment, threats, intimidation, etc." then the sheriff served it and there were 4 police cars outside the house. My daughter was just hysterical because one of her friends asked her why the police were at our house. She was screaming at me, telling me she hates me for doing this. 
I can't take it anymore though. I just pray my kids will understand one day. Husband now also says he wants out, already went to lawyer,, however is now trying to get me to work everything out because he doesn't want to spend any of his money.


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks for the post Zanne.. I think we are just too far gone..another poster said that he left the marriage a long time ago, and it was a wake up call. For him to be here physically is not enough. His actions..even though he denies all of this..show he's just prepping for divorce. A few years ago he stopped working as a gen. Contractor..and started working in estate sales. It's all cash.. He will come into the house with bags and bags of gold, sterling, antiques..and then resell it. Nothing is reported. He told me I will never get a thing because he will say he is unemployed. If we run out of toothpaste he will tell the kids..go ask your mother..she never goes shopping. (I am at the supermarket 3-4 times a week).
I work full time and try to do a few hours of OT every week to help pay bills. Our house was paid off by him and he also managed to pay off two other houses that he now rents..these were his before our marriage though and I would not try to take those from him.
He always controlled the money though..right from day one of the marriage. I was 30 when we got married..had my own job, and he was always generous..I had no idea It was going to turn into this..
I read your posts and you mentioned an EA. this happened to me too. I didn't go looking for it..it just happened. But I can definitely admit that while it was going on it felt like an addiction. I would get such a high From seeing this guy..but then crash when I realized it wasn't real. I ended it after 3 months and husband found out. That was 7 years ago. I have done everything I could to try to make things better..many counselors/therapy, allowing him to call me every hour to check on my whereabouts, etc.
He says that because he had issues with sharing money before the affair then he definitely cannot now. It has all led to this..major resentment on both parts, fighting over everything, kids stressed/anxious. At the beginning of the marriage there was lots of verbal abuse/neglect..not caring about my needs, never helping me..never giving me a break from kids. In the last 5 years I have been spit on, kicked, had soda, wine, food, thrown in my face/hair, and been called the w word and c word more times than I can count. He even put a GPS under the car and spyware on the computer..for two years..finally removed it when all he found was me doing countless errands every day..

I told him once I got the restraining order that if he left for awhile and tried therapy/meds then I would see if it helped him. He said he would try but refused to leave. He has yet to make an appointment or call a therapist. Then this past Friday I was served with divorce papers, at my job. He is asking for exclusive
Occupancy of the house, maintenance, and custody of the kids. Such a joke..a week ago he was threatening to come after me and told our soon to f*** off. (Son is 14). Anyway, now he is saying he only filed because he knew i was going to anyway, but he really doesn't want a divorce, but I refuse to talk to him..then when I say I can't talk about this, can't live this way anymore, etc..he says, ok, that means you want to fight..and now I will make you get nothing, even the house.
Kids are down, but not as upset as I thought they would be. In a way it was good he filed because they were so against me doing it..no matter what he did.
My therapist says husband is a textbook narcissist..and the abuse/neglect really set in after our second child was born..because I no longer had the time to dote on him. I agree, and I know I'm far from perfect.. But I just think at this point...enough is enough. I hate that the kids always have to worry about what is going to happen next. And you are right, this is all they know..and I don't want them repeating this cycle.
It's just amazing..but so typical..that he can file divorce papers, have them served at my job..right before Christmas..and then act like he only did it because I wanted it..not because he did.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ricki123 said:


> My therapist says husband is a textbook narcissist.


Ricki, I'm so sorry to hear that. Your D will likely get very nasty very quickly. I suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ I also suggest you read Kathy Batesell's overview of narcissism at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. Take care, Ricki.


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## Ricki123 (Dec 4, 2012)

Thank you!! I will pick both up..I need all the help i can get.


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