# New to TAM



## mylinesdefine (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Ladies,

I am new to the TAM forums. I have been married for a little over 3 years and I have grown to hate my spouse. If you knew me personally you would know this is not my normal personality. He puts me down all the time calling me an idiot, loser, moron, etc. He criticizes my family. He tells me it is thanks to him we have our house. He threatens me about our daughter who is now about a year and a half old. He calls her his daughter. He took away my control of our finances in January saying he was better equipped to do them but he has bounced enough checks that we have spent more than $300 in returned check fees. He now is putting me down because I am being laid off from my job for the first time (he has been fired twice and laid off twice in his career). I have confirmed with an abuse counselor he is verbally abusing me but I don't know how to leave now that I have no job. Any advice is welcome. I really need some help. I feel so badly about myself. The sad part is I have a non technical degree and I work in a technical field and up until my lay off notice made 6 figures...soon it will be nothing but I always felt proud of myself to accomplish this until I met my husband. Please help set me straight. I know I am in an unhealthy environment but I don't know how to change it now. 

Thanks in advance.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Whirl-wind romance, perhaps? That is characteristic of abusers--trap their "victim" in marriage, and then start showing their true nature. 

Ask the counselor for advice. Swallow your pride--ask family for help if you can. Just b/c you are out of work right now does not mean anything; so many people are. It is no reflection on your self-worth or potential. Sounds like you are very bright and have made some good choices already! Good luck.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Keep looking for a job or see what assistance you can get from the state. Or, if you don't go to church, get hooked up with one and see if they have any kind of support groups they can help you with.


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## HoldinOnTight (Jun 3, 2010)

I wish I had some advice. It sounds like you'd be happier on your own and it wouldn't be a problem for you to keep your daughter. He sounds controlling and scary. Does he threaten you if you were to leave?


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## mylinesdefine (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your responses. I am going to respond to each of you.

Sisters: The counselor I saw was very short term through a woman's resource center. They were not meant for long term counseling but more as a resource. We cannot afford for me to see a counselor, especially now that my job is going away. My family is onboard with me moving back in with them but it is kind of a pressure cooker over there as my mom works and goes to school so she is constantly stressed out. So I would really have to think about that. The other problem is that my husband had a fit when I took her over there and stayed there during the snow storms we had on the east coast. He looked into legal venues as if I kidnapped her even though I sent him emails. I just did not want to be trapped with him for several days since we had a huge argument. I did not think it was good for the baby. Oh and by the way, our relationship was on again off again for the year and a half I knew him. I had a friend beg me not to marry him. But he went to a marriage counselor and seemed to be shaping up so I saw only the good and ignored the bad. 

lbell629 those are some great ideas. I will have to look into them further. I have been really wanting to get back into church but keep waiting for my husband to say he'll go, maybe I just need to go alone with the baby.

HoldinOnTight he is scary. He has no real friends which I did not find out until I was married to him. He doesn't know how to treat people and makes jokes that are not appropriate so he loses anyone that would be his friend, very fast. He has threatened me about taking our baby to my mom's house during a snowstorm. I just did not want to be locked in a house with him and not be able to leave when he was in such an argumentative place. He hit our baby once when she was 15 months old. He hasn't done it again but he did it once so that is more scary to me than anything. Anyhow, it is a tough mess I got myself into.

I appreciate all the feedback everyone has given. Sounds like I have some homework to do. Lots of hugs...


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## Lorry (Jun 9, 2010)

My heart goes out to you.

I am at work and can't write much.

But if you are near NEPA... I am here and always havea open door to good people. I am on this site due to a 24 year old friend ship that on 4.20.10 turned into a relationship.

Last night SOMETHING changed. I will post elsewhere regarding this "after work". 

Just know you are not alone.

My best advise to anyone.

Keep a diary of events. Be it a email to yourself or whatever safe method. This may be VERY beneficial in your future.

Stay strong girl. You have little eyes looking up to you.

Lori
NEPA


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Did you report the physical abuse of your baby? If not please do so. You need some sort of official record of what is going on or he will be able to remain in control.

Even the stressed environment at your mother’s house has to be better than one in which you are in danger of physical abuse in addition to the mental abuse you are already receiving. The phone number for the National Domestic Abuse hotline is 800-799-7233, their website is ndvh.org. They might be able to offer some help for the long-term, they have an online community as well as a resource to find help in your local area.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

You have to leave, and you have to do it as soon as you possibly can. This man sounds absolutely toxic in every imaginable way. Lorry is right - document everything, with as much specific detail as you can.

I think that even if you have to go to a shelter for a few days before you can find something more permanent, you should do it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but to me your husband sounds volatile and potentially violent. I would probably opt for staying with a friend he doesn't really know about rather than staying with your parents, because that's where he'll go first. 

Good luck to you. Remember that fortune favors the bold, so take bold action - leave TODAY if you possibly can. Don't tip him off. Take as little as you can stand to have with you, and GO.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You need a lawyer to work with you, STAT! I am guessing that money is tight. There are so many resources out there to help you. If you live in the States, the first is Legal Aid. I don't know the rules about posting links so I will abstain. Go online and type that name in. This is a non-profit organization that will work with you for FREE to help you out of this terrible situation. They specialize in domestic violence. It is made up soley of lawyers and paralegals that volunteer their time, as strongly encouraged by the American Bar Association. They will help you set up custody, protection orders if necessary, visitation and child support payments. 
Next, I don't know what your technical profession is in but having a non-technical degree in a technical field isn't a hinderance. Most technical companies look at work history and experience. In the IT field, it used to be how many initials did you have after your last name (i.e MCSE, MCSA, PMP,etc.) Not anymore. Experience counts so much more. I would strongly encourage you to find a technical recruiter to work for you. You pay them nothing. The company that they place you with pays them. 
Giant hugs to you my dear!! You are strong and you will be so much better once you free yourself from this cancer.


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