# Should I stay or should I go?!?!?



## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Hi there. I am a new poster but have been reading blogs and posts for a while now. Forgive me if i am not to familiar with the acronyms and lingo of this forum but I'll try to learn quickly :smiley:. So here's a little background...my Husband and I are both in our 40's, have been married for 16 years, HS sweethearts, and have 2 kids...15 yo son and 10 yo daughter. We are both working parents and have good careers. Our kids are very fortunate and are involved in every activity imagine able. We have lots of friends, great family and nice house that we have been in since we were married. To say the least...seems like the perfect lil family!

Rewind to about 5 yrs ago...I had an affair with a married friend of the family and was also friends with his wife. It lasted about 8 months until we finally got caught. I moved out of my house, he moved out too but didn't see each other long after that. He moved back home and I never talked to him again. Although I feel like he is my soul mate, his kids and family needed to come first and I had to let go. So not too much long after, my husband asked me to come back home and I did (although I think it was too soon and we both weren't ready.). We went to marriage counseling and it did help me but not to sure about him. He may have forgivin me about the EA, but has definitely not forgotten as I am still reminded about it to this day. 

You may be wondering at this point what the problem is...well it's the ILYBNILWY issue and I can't get it back. I tell my BFF that I should be given the Academy award as no one knows how unhappy I am except me. This past summer I actually expressed to him how I felt and thought maybe a seperation would do us good. He said absolutely not that he would divorce first before separating so I again agreed to stay and work on it...and mainly for the kids sake as the last seperation he was a raging lunatic and didn't want them to have to go through that again.

I'm basically just asking for advice on when you should stay or go and if anyone had regrets down the road for staying too long? Or regrets for leaving? Here are some other pros and cons of my husband.

Pros
1. He is a great dad! Coaches the kids and their friends, at every event he can attend, loves to spend time with them.
2. He is a good provider. He caters to our wants and needs.
3. He helps family and friends out when needed. 
4. Loves to shop and buy buy buy

Cons:
1. He likes to drink...especially on the weekends. And usually will drink until he passes out. My son has resented him and now doesn't like to go anywhere with us because he will usually get drunk. 
2. He likes to yell at the kids a little to much...he's that dad that is yelling from the stands at a baseball game telling them what they are doing wrong. He gets mad when their shoes are in the living rm and will ground them if so. 
3. He is an over obsessive spender. Will buy large items without consulting me or just expensive stuff that we don't need. 
4. I would say he is controlling. He used to be worse but I have kind of changed my behavior towards him and I think he gets it now
5. Our sex life-3-4 times a week. But it's just pleasing him...not any of it for me. But that's because I don't have that connection.
6. Majority of the time I cringe at the thought of going home after work...knowing I have to walk on egg shells on whether or not he has s good day or bad day at work.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

If he's still reminding you of your affair, he has not forgiven you. 

I think you guys should try counseling again before throwing in the towel.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Hi there. I am a new poster but have been reading blogs and posts for a while now. Forgive me if i am not to familiar with the acronyms and lingo of this forum but I'll try to learn quickly :smiley:. So here's a little background...my Husband and I are both in our 40's, have been married for 16 years, HS sweethearts, and have 2 kids...15 yo son and 10 yo daughter. We are both working parents and have good careers. Our kids are very fortunate and are involved in every activity imagine able. We have lots of friends, great family and nice house that we have been in since we were married. To say the least...seems like the perfect lil family!
> 
> Rewind to about 5 yrs ago...I had an affair with a married friend of the family and was also friends with his wife. It lasted about 8 months until we finally got caught. I moved out of my house, he moved out too but didn't see each other long after that. He moved back home and I never talked to him again. Although I feel like he is my soul mate, his kids and family needed to come first and I had to let go. So not too much long after, my husband asked me to come back home and I did (although I think it was too soon and we both weren't ready.). We went to marriage counseling and it did help me but not to sure about him. He may have forgivin me about the EA, but has definitely not forgotten as I am still reminded about it to this day.
> 
> ...


I don't understand why you balked at the notion of divorce vs separation.





#guspo9k


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> If he's still reminding you of your affair, he has not forgiven you.
> 
> I think you guys should try counseling again before throwing in the towel.


Ehhh... the bigger issue here, IMO, is that she doesn't love him the way that a wife should love her husband.

And I'm pretty sure he's picking up on that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Ehhh... the bigger issue here, IMO, is that she doesn't love him the way that a wife should love her husband.
> 
> And I'm pretty sure he's picking up on that.


Probably true, but it's also probably hard to fully love a man who passes out drunk every weekend and yells at his kids too much. I would find a man who yells at his kids during sporting events very unattractive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Probably true, but it's also probably hard to full love a man who passes out drunk every weekend and yells at his kids too much. I would find a man who yells at his kids during sporting events very unattractive.


OK, fair enough.
@Blueeyezgirl0305, if your husband were to address each of the items mentioned in your "Cons" list, could you see the love coming back?

I ask because you're clearly still hung up on your affair partner.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

I don't understand why you balked at the notion of divorce vs separation.[/QUOTE]

I guess I think that a seperation might be good for the both of us...basically seeing if absence makes the heart grow fonder.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> SecondTime'Round said:
> 
> 
> > Probably true, but it's also probably hard to full love a man who passes out drunk every weekend and yells at his kids too much. I would find a man who yells at his kids during sporting events very unattractive.
> ...


You know I don't know. After our 'talk' this summer he actually has changed a bit. But unfortunately that's why I am here cuz it hasn't changed the way I feel.

In regards to my affair partner, I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about him...but again 5 years has passed and I now realize it was a flyng and how easy it is for EA's take over your life.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> If he's still reminding you of your affair, he has not forgiven you.
> 
> I think you guys should try counseling again before throwing in the towel.


I definitely am going to do the counseling thing again whether it be for both of us or just me. He stopped going last time cuz the counselor told him he needed to stop drinking but he doesn't think he has a problem or is an alcoholic.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> SecondTime'Round said:
> 
> 
> > If he's still reminding you of your affair, he has not forgiven you.
> ...


Yes he has picked up on it and I know it bothers him. He says several times a day that I don't love him, even if it is just playing around. I honestly know someone could give him the love he deserves which would probably make him a more positive, happier person.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I agree with a poster that if he is still throwing it in your face then he hasn't forgiven you. You were wrong to have an affair though, so of course I can understand why it hurts him and he is having a hard time with forgiveness. I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my spouse had an affair, simple as that, I would like to be respected as a spouse and a human being. But if you really want to work on it, then give counseling another try before going the divorce route. But please remember something...do not stay married if you are truly unhappy and do not do it for the sake of the kids. The kids will feel the tension and it will end up hurting them too. Sometimes divorcing is the better thing to do for the kids because they wouldn't have to hear you two arguing all of the time.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Blue, you and you H have some big challenges. But, they aren't insurmountable. You have kids and overall it sounds like you have a very nice family life. It sounds like it's certainly worth an all-out attempt to improve your marriage. If you can improve your marriage, you'll keep your family intact and you'll be able to enjoy the life you and H have built. 

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? This book maps out a plan for building love in marriage. Neither you nor your husband are getting your emotional needs met. This book will help.

Another book that you need is Love Busters, by the same author. Your husband is killing any chance of you getting love back for him. He needs to end his angry outbursts. He needs to get a handle on his drinking, too. No (sober) wife can respect a husband who's passed out each weekend. He's losing the respect of his kids, too. Whether or not he's an alcoholic is irrelevant; he's harming his primary relationships. The book will help both of you identify things you're doing to harm your relationships. 

It's a very simple and effective plan: stop doing things that harm the marriage; do things that create love. If you felt that your husband truly understood you and knew how to love you, you wouldn't be thinking about your ex-AP. (You'd be reveling in your wonderful marriage instead.) Your husband is blatantly saying to you that he doesn't feel like you love him. He is also feeling out in the cold. Neither of you are in love with each other. But you two can change that. 

Of course, even if you read the books (you can find most of the info online as well at the Marriage Builders website) and you want to do the program, it's questionable on whether or your husband would agree to try it out. 

I recommend that you check out the information, see if any of it rings true for you. If it does, this might be a great time for a frank discussion. Something like: you aren't willing to waste anymore time in a loveless marriage. The two of you are great co-parents and partners, but the marriage is dying. You found a program that you think will help you both bring love back into the marriage, where he will feel loved, admired, respected, and you will feel loved too. You'd like to review the program and get his buy in, and you are willing to give it a year for an all-out, major, last ditch effort. You have great kids and a great life together, you can also have a great marriage and preserve, even build on, everything you've built up so far. But if you are still unhappy and feeling unloved in Dec 2016, it might be time to end things and free you both to go find more compatible partners. 

Of course, I would recommend this if you actually feel this way. It sounds like you're close to being ready to walk, so I'm guessing that you do feel like it's very close to now or never. You don't have any immediate pressing issues. Your affair is long over. Your husband has boorish but not abusive behavior. I truly hope you two can fix it.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

DanielleBennett said:


> I agree with a poster that if he is still throwing it in your face then he hasn't forgiven you. You were wrong to have an affair though, so of course I can understand why it hurts him and he is having a hard time with forgiveness. I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my spouse had an affair, simple as that, I would like to be respected as a spouse and a human being. But if you really want to work on it, then give counseling another try before going the divorce route. But please remember something...do not stay married if you are truly unhappy and do not do it for the sake of the kids. The kids will feel the tension and it will end up hurting them too. Sometimes divorcing is the better thing to do for the kids because they wouldn't have to hear you two arguing all of the time.


Thanks for the advice. Yes I do agree the kids are affected...my oldest knew what happened and why I left do when my husband foes throw it in my face and threatens to tell the kids and everyone what a liar and cheater I am...I basically tell him to go for it cuz I have forgiven myself and not ashamed to admit my wrongdoings.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> Blue, you and you H have some big challenges. But, they aren't insurmountable. You have kids and overall it sounds like you have a very nice family life. It sounds like it's certainly worth an all-out attempt to improve your marriage. If you can improve your marriage, you'll keep your family intact and you'll be able to enjoy the life you and H have built.
> 
> Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? This book maps out a plan for building love in marriage. Neither you nor your husband are getting your emotional needs met. This book will help.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the advice and info on the books! I will definitely look into them as well as Marriage builders. I am in no hurry to check out or would have done it a long time ago. I am pretty easy going, so I don't let things bother me much. Unfortunately that is a downfall cuz I hold everything in and should be expressing my needs and wants a little more.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Great! The MB forums are a little scary, but Dr. Harley really has nailed down a wry effective plan for restoring love in marriages. I hope its helpful for you and your H.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> You know I don't know. After our 'talk' this summer he actually has changed a bit. But unfortunately that's why I am here cuz it hasn't changed the way I feel.
> 
> In regards to my affair partner, I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about him...but again 5 years has passed and I now realize it was a flyng and how easy it is for EA's take over your life.


To be clear, it was an EA and not a PA?

IOW, there was no physical component to the affair?

Also, you mentioned that the affair ended because OM went back to his family; IOW, you were dumped.

If OM were still available to you at all, would you even be married to your husband now?


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Blueeyezgirl0305 said:
> 
> 
> > You know I don't know. After our 'talk' this summer he actually has changed a bit. But unfortunately that's why I am here cuz it hasn't changed the way I feel.
> ...


. 

It was both...I say EA since there were feelings involved and it wasn't just about the sex. The crazy thing is that my husband always brings up the sex part....which was maybe 25 percent of it.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Thanks for the advice. Yes I do agree the kids are affected...my oldest knew what happened and why I left do when my husband foes throw it in my face and threatens to tell the kids and everyone what a liar and cheater I am...I basically tell him to go for it cuz I have forgiven myself and not ashamed to admit my wrongdoings.


Even though you were in the wrong, it is really bad of him to threaten to bring the kids in the middle of this. That is terrible and will traumatize them and him even threatening to do so is a tactic he is using to try and control you and good for you for not letting it work. I just hope he doesn't actually do this to the kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> It was both...I say EA since there were feelings involved and it wasn't just about the sex. The crazy thing is that my husband always brings up the sex part....which was maybe 25 percent of it.


While not a universal truth, generally speaking, men have a much more difficult time reconciling the physical aspect of an affair, as it tends to indicate how far away removed from their respective marriages their wives had become.

Also, did the you see the following questions above? I must have posted them in an edit while you were in the process of responding...

Also, you mentioned that the affair ended because OM went back to his family; IOW, you were dumped.

If OM were still available to you at all, would you even be married to your husband now?


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Blueeyezgirl0305 said:
> 
> 
> > You know I don't know. After our 'talk' this summer he actually has changed a bit. But unfortunately that's why I am here cuz it hasn't changed the way I feel.
> ...


Haha yea I guess I was dumped. 3-4 years ago I probably would have said if OM were to contact me I would drop my husband in a heartbeat...but now probably not. I truly believe I/OM caused a wrench in both our marriages as my husband would say and broke the vows that I made to him. But I can honestly say OM showed me that my heart is capable of that love feeling which i haven't had with my husband for a long time.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> .
> 
> It was both...I say EA since there were feelings involved and it wasn't just about the sex. The crazy thing is that my husband always brings up the sex part....which was maybe 25 percent of it.


Your husband always brings up the sex part *because that's what matters the most to him*.

You don't get to pick what should bother him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Haha yea I guess I was dumped. 3-4 years ago I probably would have said if OM were to contact me I would drop my husband in a heartbeat...but now probably not. I truly believe I/OM caused a wrench in both our marriages as my husband would say and broke the vows that I made to him. But I can honestly say OM showed me that my heart is capable of that love feeling which i haven't had with my husband for a long time.


OK, so I'll be honest w/ you here...

Personally, I'm of the mind that, once a physical infidelity has occurred, there's just no point in attempting reconciliation. That said, plenty of people are able to do it, and I try to do what I can to support those that have indicated a desire to do so.

_Your husband, however, is doing reconciliation all wrong._ Once he indicated a desire to reconcile, he should've been all in. If that meant counseling, then so be it. If that meant drinking less (or not at all), then so be it. If that meant curbing his spending habits, spending more time alone w/ you, or whatever, then he should've done it.

The way it works is this...

The affair is on you. It's 100% yours to own. Period. He, however, is responsible for whatever dysfunction *HE* brought to the marriage prior to the infidelity. And, if the marriage is to properly recover, then BOTH transgressions have to be reconciled.

A lot of folks feel that, once they've been cheated on, they've been given carte blanche to continue doing whatever they were doing (or NOT doing whatever they _weren't_ doing) prior to the infidelity. This isn't reconciliation; it's rugsweeping at best, and a very passive-aggressive rugsweeping at that.

If you want to save your marriage, get back to counseling. Insist that your husband attend (AND participate) as well. Additionally, make it clear to him that, you're ready to bring your marriage to an end if he doesn't get on board.

Draw your line in the sand and stand your ground.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> Your husband always brings up the sex part *because that's what matters the most to him*.
> 
> You don't get to pick what should bother him.


I agree, maybe that's what is most important to him in the marriage right now. If you aren't feeling up to it or you are uncomfortable then don't give yourself to him just to make him happy. Talk to him about the intimacy and how you both feel. Maybe that can be worked out at least.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

One thing. He needs to own the drinking problem. Passing out is unnacceptable. Has this always been a problem????

How was the affair discovered? What was your reaction during the aftermath?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Normally I would say that separation is a bed idea. It is hard to fix a marriage when you don't live together. For that reason, most separations end in divorce.


But the drinking is a HUGE problem. A marriage cannot be fixed until the alcoholic is sober for a period of time. His anger issues are similar is that there is no way you and your children should have to deal with that. In cases where things like alcoholism is a problem, a separation can be good because it puts everything on hold under the person has given up all drinking and has their head screwed on straight. Then you two could start dating again and see how it goes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You do keep saying it was an EA when it was a full blown sexual affair. Perhaps some denial/hiding on your part? From what you write your husband was and is a plan B. I would suspect unless he's totally stupid he does realize this. Maybe the reason for some of his actions. 

The reason I asked about the time after DDAY is because unless both of you are 100% working on reconciliation there is no hope of true success. You seem to have very little remorse. Maybe it's time he just got over it? You say he acted like a lunatic during the aftermath. Do you have any idea what he went through or tried to at least put yourself in his shoes during this time? The betrayal around this for a man or woman is devastating, overwhelming, etc. It's of not as much consequence to the cheater as they aren't on the receiving end of it.

In a normal marriage both spouses have issues/problems they need to fix, work on. When you throw infidelity into the mix it's factored up substantially.

This one thing you got. The separation wasn't long enough. The thing that should always be thought out first is this. Can he live with this forever????? Can you ever be his wife again???? Many can't and you are both wasting your time and life on this. However, you do have history, children, etc and most always find the grass isn't as green over there as they thought after a period of time.

Divorce is the easier route but you have to start completely over (deal with custody,etc) and there are no guarantees. The OM/OW after the initial lust/special time is over may not be as great as thought. Many find this out too late. In the affair it's all good times/exciting.

You both have a lot to learn, think about, if you're smart that is.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Normally I would say that separation is a bed idea. It is hard to fix a marriage when you don't live together. For that reason, most separations end in divorce.
> 
> 
> But the drinking is a HUGE problem. A marriage cannot be fixed until the alcoholic is sober for a period of time. His anger issues are similar is that there is no way you and your children should have to deal with that. In cases where things like alcoholism is a problem, a separation can be good because it puts everything on hold under the person has given up all drinking and has their head screwed on straight. Then you two could start dating again and see how it goes.


That is a very valid point! It is hard to work on a marriage when you aren't living together, but the biggest issue here is the drinking. The drinking needs to stop so he can be clear headed and actually show you his true self while you two work on things.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DanielleBennett said:


> That is a very valid point! It is hard to work on a marriage when you aren't living together, but the biggest issue here is the drinking. The drinking needs to stop so he can be clear headed and actually show you his true self while you two work on things.


Alcoholism is a major issue in any circumstance and usually gets worse over time if not stopped and will become debilitating.

However, lets not gloss over this fact. The wife here does not appear to have had her head or heart in the marriage for 5 years now since the affair with her "soulmate" ended. 

Correct me if I'm wrong.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> You do keep saying it was an EA when it was a full blown sexual affair. Perhaps some denial/hiding on your part? From what you write your husband was and is a plan B. I would suspect unless he's totally stupid he does realize this. Maybe the reason for some of his actions.
> 
> The reason I asked about the time after DDAY is because unless both of you are 100% working on reconciliation there is no hope of true success. You seem to have very little remorse. Maybe it's time he just got over it? You say he acted like a lunatic during the aftermath. Do you have any idea what he went through or tried to at least put yourself in his shoes during this time? The betrayal around this for a man or woman is devastating, overwhelming, etc. It's of not as much consequence to the cheater as they aren't on the receiving end of it.
> 
> ...


We have gone through a lot the last 5 years and I have/had lots of remorse, and truly apologized. I totally understand what I did to him and our family. When I say he was a raging lunatic, I am completely fine with him yelling at me and throwing my things in the front yard cuz I derserved that...but when he did those things and caused scenes in front of the kids and out in public while I was with our kids, that was the part I had issues with. I can say that I have been a good wife the last few years and working on some issues that he has had with me. It is a continual process of working together and trying to please each other. But I feel like it's not good enough for him as he does make comments about me not deserving him anymore.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> DanielleBennett said:
> 
> 
> > That is a very valid point! It is hard to work on a marriage when you aren't living together, but the biggest issue here is the drinking. The drinking needs to stop so he can be clear headed and actually show you his true self while you two work on things.
> ...


I would say that I have truly had my head in the marriage but constantly working on the heart...that's the issue and not sure why?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband has issues/problems he needs to fix. You can't fix them. No one can but him.
Maybe he needs to stay off the ball field, concentrate on making himself a better man. I know the type.

The big question for you is what do you want? You have issues and problems as well. Take a good hard look. 

To make this marriage into what it should be will take a huge amount of work. If you don't feel like you or he can do it. Divorce is perhaps an easier path to take but you have to take what comes with it which is the unknown at this time.

Good luck to you both whatever path you take.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> Good luck having any kind of an emotional connection with an alcoholic.
> 
> I would say your marriage is over. From what I've learned on this site, men can't get over physical infidelity. *You could have shared every emotion known to humanity with the other guy; and your husband would have been, "meh!".* But let it get physical and that's pretty much all she wrote.
> 
> ...


Not quite.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

intheory said:


> Good luck having any kind of an emotional connection with an alcoholic.
> 
> I would say your marriage is over. From what I've learned on this site, men can't get over physical infidelity. You could have shared every emotion known to humanity with the other guy; and your husband would have been, "meh!". But let it get physical and that's pretty much all she wrote.
> 
> ...


Yes I think he will never get over the physical piece and like you said, it's understandable. I don't blame him for his actions after him finding out...but when does it stop being the excuse for his actions, drinking, emotional outbursts.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> I would say that I have truly had my head in the marriage but constantly working on the heart...that's the issue and not sure why?


If I were you and wanted to make this work I'd pick up two copies of
His Needs, Her Needs. Set his azz down and tell him you want a marriage we need to change some things, if not I'm out of here. Period! And stay with it!

I know his type he needs to keep his azz off the damn ball field some and work on himself. Next time he passes out from drinking take a few good picks and tell him this is what everyone is seeing. 

You need to understand how to help him get over the affair if you don't know how read up. 5 years may seem like a long time to you but I'd bets it's still fresh with him. There's a wealth of info out there on this. Make no mistake it will never go away but there are things you should be doing to help it fade/dissipate. This ones on you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Yes I think he will never get over the physical piece and like you said, it's understandable. I don't blame him for his actions after him finding out...but when does it stop being the excuse for his actions, drinking, emotional outbursts.


It was NEVER an excuse -- at least not a legitimate one -- for _any of that_.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Your husband has issues/problems he needs to fix. You can't fix them. No one can but him.
> Maybe he needs to stay off the ball field, concentrate on making himself a better man. I know the type.
> 
> The big question for you is what do you want? You have issues and problems as well. Take a good hard look.
> ...


Thanks for your take on all this. Yes, We definitely both have issues and problems...and I am going to be making an appt soon. Hopefully he will realize during all of this that he does have issues too and that my affair is not the cause of them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> Okay, you can share every emotion known to humanity, _minus_ the ones that involve sexual desire.


Ehhh... you're still not _quite_ there.

Tell you what, throw in "romantic love" and I'll come close enough to agreeing that it will count as agreeing.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

intheory said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > Not quite.
> ...


True that!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Thanks for your take on all this. Yes, We definitely both have issues and problems...and I am going to be making an appt soon. Hopefully he will realize during all of this that he does have issues too and that my affair is not the cause of them.


At this point you may need to use a 2x4 to get his attention. Women are much smarter than men on the little things that make a marriage special/meaningful. Men have to learn these things. They don't come natural to us like they do to you. It's an area were dumb at but they can be learned.

You seem to be kinda laid back but you have to tell him what you want in a forceful manner. He needs to get it. No matter what you've done its your life, future too.

The biggest thing is you need to learn is to talk things out in a calm manner. Probably an issue with him. A good approach for you would be something like this. I'm going to try and do my part and help you get through this but you have to do your part and help. If you can't then I'm sorry but it has to end. HE NEEDS TO GET IT!!!!! Make sure he has your full attention. One on one with no kids, distractions. 

Above all be honest. Tell him what you're thinking and what you want.
Don't forget. Men are usually dumb here. Then ask him what he wants.
And listen to each other. It's not easy but does get better the more you work on it together.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

intheory said:


> Blueeyezgirl0305 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I think he will never get over the physical piece and like you said, it's understandable. I don't blame him for his actions after him finding out.*..but when does it stop being the excuse for his actions, drinking, emotional outbursts.*
> ...


Yes and I am going to work on being open with him on my feelings instead of being scared to hurt him again...which is one of my issues and something I need to work on through all this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

intheory said:


> It may never stop. I guess that's the point.
> 
> A wholehearted effort at marriage counseling for both of you is probably essential, if you want to try again.
> 
> At least that way you'll always know you gave it your best shot; if you ultimately can't stay together.


A good MC would be great but they aren't gods. Make no mistake there are many morons in this field. Ultimately you and he will have to work this out. The Calvary isn't coming. No one is going to really fix this but you two. Yep there is good help, info out there but it's still up to you two in the end.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Blueeyezgirl0305 said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for your take on all this. Yes, We definitely both have issues and problems...and I am going to be making an appt soon. Hopefully he will realize during all of this that he does have issues too and that my affair is not the cause of them.
> ...


I just responded this on someone else's reply lol which is a good follow up to yours as well....problem is I'm too laid back and easy going and not much gets me upset or mad..

Yes and I am going to work on being open with him on my feelings instead of being scared to hurt him again...which is one of my issues and something I need to work on through all this.[/QUOTE]


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> Yes and I am going to work on being open with him on my feelings instead of being scared to hurt him again...which is one of my issues and something I need to work on through all this.


No one likes surprises. He needs to know what you're going through and vise versa in a timely manner. Set aside time once a week to talk. Always! Do not deviate from this. Ever. 

I'll say this again men are dumb in these areas. They think things are great when they may not be.

It'll probably be rough at first but if done right will become a good part of your marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can do this but you need to woman up and lead the way at first then expect him to take the lead. 

This is as much his marriage as yours and he has to do his part. You both should expect it from each other.

It may turn out better than you could imagine. The truth always counts no matter what. Good or bad. It has a way of fixing things.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> I would say that I have truly had my head in the marriage but constantly working on the heart...that's the issue and not sure why?


You're not in love with him now. Be honest.

i suspect you're still in love with what you thought was better.

Ask yourself this. Long term would it have been? The time you had with OM was just purely fun. Nothing bad, no kids, no real life issues. Would that have been 100% of the time if you'd moved on with him. Nope, that honeymoon never lasts. Read up on what happens after life sets in.

That's why affairs are hard to get over there's no reality with them.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

hey, I am new here as well and haven't read all the other posts. But I can totally relate to you.. I've been with my husband 13 years and I've gone back and forth over the years as to whether I should divorce or not. I had an affair 3 years ago for 3 months and it was the first time I ever did anything like that and I will never do it again. I was trying to use it as an exit affair but I ended up staying with my husband as he did a complete 180 and became the perfect husband. That has since went south. sigh. 
but often I do miss that other guy, but I really don't miss "him". I realize now it was all lust and I didn't really love "him". I just loved the way he made me feel. I was extremely happy during that time and was really focused on myself. I now see that I don't miss him I just miss the way I FELT during that time. I try to get it back and be all happy and focused on myself these days but when my husband is lying or being distant it's hard to be "happy" these days. I totally have the ILBNILYWY scenario going on as well.. it's hard. My husband is a really good husband as far as taking care of me and our family and hes a great dad... he just LIES and can be crappy at times. So it's like I don't even LIKE him anymore, but totally still love him. It's hard bc the longer it goes, year by year I'm wondering if i'm wasting time by being in this marriage or am I doing the right thing for the kids by staying. It's frustrating. I just want to be happy. 
no really advice for you, just can totally relate with your situation. HUGS


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blueeyezgirl0305 said:


> He says *several times a day* that I don't love him, even if it is just playing around.


That's reason enough to divorce. Sorry, but this won't be fixed by you staying. When I read the pro's, I was rooting for staying. But several times a day is abusive, no matter what _you _did. He's insecure, angry, and afraid you'll do it again. Thus the 3 times a week sex; he's claiming you. And an alcoholic. And abusive to his kids. That's a horrible environment for them to grow up in, in fact it's damaging. If you divorce, they will have ONE home in which they feel safe and secure and loved.

Your son has a good chance of growing up angry and abusive as well, since boys usually turn out like their fathers. By the age of 15, it may already be set, but if you divorce, he'll at least have a chance of turning out healthy. And for God's sake, get your son into counseling.

I'm going to be honest with you. Until I read the cons, I was going to tell you to stick it out until your daughter graduates because once you have kids you don't get to be selfish anymore, so whether you're 'in love' or not doesn't matter to me, especially after what you did. Your 'penance' should be to have to spend the next 8 years with him so that your kids grow up in a complete family. 

But that was before I read about what he does. Do some research on how screwed up kids of alcoholics turn out. And how likely THEY are to become alcoholics themselves. And you need to find a local AlAnon chapter and start attending to learn what to do about living with an alcoholic; and pass that information on to your kids.

It's your duty to protect them from him. And remember that people don't change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying in the status quo. He has no reason to change. If you divorce, and he wants back what he had badly enough, THEN he might decide to make himself vulnerable to a therapist and seek help, and you two might be able to rekindle something.

But it will never happen while you stay.

btw, I have a question/comment. When you say there's nothing in the sex for you, does that mean that he doesn't give you foreplay and doesn't make sure you have an orgasm? Or just that you don't enjoy it because you don't like him anymore? If it's the former, tell him you won't have sex anymore unless he takes care of you as well. You don't have to be his prostitute. If it's the latter, that's on you for not allowing yourself to enjoy it.

ETA: When you tell him you're going to file for divorce, he's going to blow up. As usual. But divorces take time. He will eventually accept the reality and then he MAY start thinking about what this really means. And THEN he may take you seriously and start taking a look at himself. And maybe even going to AA and getting help for the drinking. As I said, it'll never happen if you stay; not with alcoholism - that pull to the bottle is too strong to give up just because someone's unhappy with your drinking. But if he does get help, it's always possible to cancel a divorce. Or even remarry.

Oh, and please go talk to your kids about what you did. They need to understand why THEIR lives have gone downhill. Kids will fill a vacuum of information with notions that THEY are to blame. Start hating themselves. I know you said your son knows what you did, but it doesn't sound like you ever sat him down and explained what happened. Do that today. He needs to hear truth from at least one of you. And your daughter needs to see what fallout from cheating looks like so that she will hopefully not follow in her mom's footsteps.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

As usual excellent advice from http://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/turnera.html

If you are going to make omelettes you have to break eggs first.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you take Turneras advice and I hope you will.

Put some thought into it and plan it out thoroughly. 

Then execute. He needs to know and understand you're serious.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> Blueeyezgirl0305 said:
> 
> 
> > He says *several times a day* that I don't love him, even if it is just playing around.
> ...


Thank you for giving your honest opinion. As far as my son, he pretty much has lost respect for him. I sat down with my son this past summer and told him that I wasn't happy and that I was going to tell his dad that I wanted to separated and his response was im surprised it has lasted this long. He is such a good kid and hate seeing him brought down by my husbands actions towards him. He is going to grow up resenting him and I see it already. He turns 16 soon and was kind of waiting to make any decision until he can drive so that he can get away if needed. I am going to start counseling in the mean time. I will definitely sit down with my daughter before I do anything so that she understands and won't hear the negative remarks from him if I decide to leave.

As far as the sex goes, I am the one that doesn't get anything out of it. He does try but it's just me so I do it so that I don't have to hear him make comments that I am sleeping with someone else or how other women would love to be in my shoes. 

His mom and dad were both recovering alcoholics. They were the type that drank everyday and he thinks that since he doesn't drink everyday and get drunk sun up to sun down that he is one. He just doesn't know how to handle his intake or when to stop and can't go to any function without looking for the beer stand. 

When we were separated I felt such a strong connection because I was able to focus on them and give them my full attention and love. Sometimes it's hard to do that now when I feel that I am trying to please him and make sure his needs are met so that he doesn't keep reliving the past. It's opposite in our house...as long as daddy's happy everyone is happy.

Thanks again!


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> If you take Turneras advice and I hope you will.
> 
> Put some thought into it and plan it out thoroughly.
> 
> Then execute. He needs to know and understand you're serious.


Thanks for having Turneras read my post and responding back. I know whatever happens it is going to be a long road ahead for my family...whether it involves reconciliation or ending it.


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Imovedforthis said:


> hey, I am new here as well and haven't read all the other posts. But I can totally relate to you.. I've been with my husband 13 years and I've gone back and forth over the years as to whether I should divorce or not. I had an affair 3 years ago for 3 months and it was the first time I ever did anything like that and I will never do it again. I was trying to use it as an exit affair but I ended up staying with my husband as he did a complete 180 and became the perfect husband. That has since went south. sigh.
> but often I do miss that other guy, but I really don't miss "him". I realize now it was all lust and I didn't really love "him". I just loved the way he made me feel. I was extremely happy during that time and was really focused on myself. I now see that I don't miss him I just miss the way I FELT during that time. I try to get it back and be all happy and focused on myself these days but when my husband is lying or being distant it's hard to be "happy" these days. I totally have the ILBNILYWY scenario going on as well.. it's hard. My husband is a really good husband as far as taking care of me and our family and hes a great dad... he just LIES and can be crappy at times. So it's like I don't even LIKE him anymore, but totally still love him. It's hard bc the longer it goes, year by year I'm wondering if i'm wasting time by being in this marriage or am I doing the right thing for the kids by staying. It's frustrating. I just want to be happy.
> no really advice for you, just can totally relate with your situation. HUGS


Hi there. Glad to see someone can relate to what I am going through. The funny thing is my husband lies a lot too and just about stupid stuff. His friends see it and often call me a saint for putting up with it. But then his good side comes out and it's like well maybe he is not so bad. Like I said he is a good dad and good provider and we have a good life. You are right about the feelings...it's not him I miss, it's the feelings and kept thinking I would get them back with my husband. But it hasn't happened yet even when he did a 180 this summer. It has since gone back to the same stuff and even my son said..I though dad was gonna change. What do you say to that? I am getting older and often feel like the years are slipping away. They say you are pretty much gone when you don't get angry or upset at him for anything he does and I'm there. I have caught him going to a bar with some other girl and didn't leave. Of course that was my chance but felt like he was paying me back for what I did to him....so again the guiltiness set in. I hope I get that sign one day to tell me what is best for me and my family! Keep in touch...would love to see how it turns out for you too! :heart::heartpulse:urple_heart:


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## Blueeyezgirl0305 (Dec 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> As usual excellent advice from http://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/turnera.html
> 
> If you are going to make omelettes you have to break eggs first.


Great quote. I think I need to start using this quote instead of always finding a way to make lemonade out of lemons!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Knowledge is power. You have received a good amount to digest.

One last thing. Your life is what YOU will make of it. All the great advice in the world won't do a thing if you don't use/act on it.

Good luck to you and ÿour family.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Alcoholism is a major issue in any circumstance and usually gets worse over time if not stopped and will become debilitating.
> 
> However, lets not gloss over this fact. The wife here does not appear to have had her head or heart in the marriage for 5 years now since the affair with her "soulmate" ended.
> 
> Correct me if I'm wrong.


Takes two people to have a happy marriage. If they both don't want to put the effort in the marriage then it may be doomed anyways. Alcoholism can be a huge problems, but so are affairs as well, so no, you are right too.


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