# Let's try this again.



## FirstYearDown

I am reposting about this issue because it bothered me and I am seeking insight. I hope that nobody makes fun of me this time. 

How do you feel when someone flirts with your husband right in front of you? Normally I am _very _secure, but yesterday some woman got all squealy and gladhands with my husband. She barely knew us, but she hugged him. *Nobody *hugs others where I live unless it is a close friend or family members. She was also gushing about "what a good man" my husband is. I told her to take her hands off my husband, laughing the whole time when I wanted to smack her. I don't understand this feeling because I have never been territorial or jealous. 

So help me out TAM. I would ask that members take my feelings into consideration and refrain from taking the piss. You may find this hilarious, but the situation was not funny to me at all. It was confusing and irritating.


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## Cosmos

Flirting with and hugging someone else's spouse / partner is an invasion of boundaries, IMO. She was totally out of line, and your husband should have been the one to put her in her place.

It's not about jealousy. You felt disrespected.


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## Coffee Amore

The flirting is inappropriate. 

Hugging...hmm..I suppose it depends on the culture. Where we currently live, it's very common for people who've just met to hug one another. It's a very quick hug meant to welcome someone. So if a woman hugged my husband, I don't think it would really bother me unless she lingered far too long or her hands moved south. A few weeks ago, we went to a neighborhood store and he ran into a colleague who had left his workplace. She hugged him first then me. I was ok with it. She was quite pretty too...

If hugging isn't common where you are then I could see why you're bothered. I think you handled it right..keeping the tone light while saying something.

It's been a while since someone flirted with my husband while I was there, but on the occasions when it happened, I was seething inside. He was being friendly but the women (and one time a guy!) were obviously flirtatious. There was a time at university when a woman he knew very casually had a thing for him. She would run after him as we were walking on campus. She just had to talk to him. It was usually something inconsequential too. She would ignore me and wouldn't include me in the conversation but I stayed put. I pride myself not slapping her. :rofl:


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## deejov

Very similar thing did happen to me.
Yeah, I thought at the time he should have pulled the boundaries card and backed off too. She gushed and hugged him, I was standing right there.
Truthfully, he was so stunned (and he blushed) and he didn't react immediately. He was obviously uncomfortable. Thats why he didn't do much. He was embarrased and stuck in his spot.

What did I do? I interuppted her. Said "well, maybe you and my husband need some time alone" and I walked away. 

That made him un-freeze. He clearly took two steps backwards, and he was left there, in public, alone, with a woman who was obviously hitting on him. He was left there all by himself to figure out how to tell her to ****** off, that he was married, and so on. 

I looked back and he had this "help me" look on his face. 

And she's married too. She had her baby daughter with her. 
They chatted for a few minutes, and then he was scrambling around the store trying to find me. 

People piss me off. Only thing I am ever concerned about is how he reacted. If she is gonna lure him away right in front of me.. go ahead. I don't want him in that case.


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## Deejo

Cosmos said:


> Flirting with and hugging someone else's spouse / partner is an invasion of boundaries, IMO. She was totally out of line, and your husband should have been the one to put her in her place.
> 
> It's not about jealousy. You felt disrespected.


Respectfully, how she _feels_ isn't his problem.

FYD is absolutely entitled to feel angry that she perceived another woman making goo-goo eyes at her man.

But ... that does not mean that he experiences it the same way. He may feel it's inappropriate or uncomfortable, but no man that I know, within the circumstances outlined is going to say, "You need to step off, you're being inappropriate." He is going to 'endure' it, and then get away from the crazy-hug-lady as soon as possible.

Now if he is flirting back ... that is a different matter.

I didn't see your first thread FYD. But, as Amore said, I think you handled it in the right way.

What was the fallout? I can tell you that were it me? I probably wouldn't have given it much account ... which under the circumstances makes me wonder if your husband behaved in a similar fashion, that it could be seen as complicity. And that really wouldn't be the case. Were you angry with him?


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## SimplyAmorous

Have you & your husband talked about the incident afterwards...how did HE feel? Did he feel she was out of line ...big time...or little time? Does he feel you over-reacted or you have every right to be steamed & ready to mentally slit a throat? 

I kind of look at this a little different than many other people.

I fully realize... We can't control what others DO (my husband looks at this exactly the same -which I am very thankful).... .there are many loose boundaryless people in this life that wouldn't WINK at a wedding ring. We can't control society. The more good looking a spouse is, or friendly -being gifted in the conversational arena, the more this may happen ... I think it comes with being social..

....And what anothers boundaries may be may not be as inclusive & strict as yours.... and some are downright RUDE, ruthless, and could classify as desperate slu**...

For instance, in some places, cultures (I know it is this way where AFEH lives, heard him mention it) and in some families (my husband's family -all Italians)... they DO hug alot, it means little. Our Guy friend hugs me and my husband, doesn't bother either one of us..at all. But it might if I was married to a different man!!! 

This is how I feel and I think it would save alot of stress to have this mindset... just my opionion of course. 

So long as I KNEW my husband had NO intention on getting carried away with another women (or me getting carried away with another man if the roles were reversed), that he didn't start it (or I)... then such things would roll off our backs.....seriously....

Chances are you won't ever see this woman again... you said you barely knew her, who was she?? At a party?? If she is in your life ,that is a different matter entirely -or if she works with him where you can't see how she is buttering herself up to him. But again... I think if we TRUST our spouses explicitly....this would not ruin our day, our moment even...other than to say... some women have all the gall ...what is the freaking world coming too ....hopefully your husband agrees and it is all good.... move on. 

. My faith, trust and belief is IN MY SPOUSE... no one else, sure people shouldn't cross lines, but people are people, some are good and some are definitely boundaryless and bad. I leave a little room for craziness before I get pi**ed, but that is just me. 

And as Deejov was trying to explain..... how her husband was stunned & blushed...when such things happen in the spur of the moment, sometimes our spouses may not react as quickly as they should and in hindsite -think.."Oh I should have done that differently, or said something" or... bla bla bla. 

Forgive them, it happens. So long as you and HE is on the same page, none of this should be an issue, if the woman is IN HIS LIFE in some way, boundaries need to to be talked about, and agreed upon for future encounters.... if she will never be seen again.. Good ! Bless God!


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## Coffee Amore

I agree with most of what you've said SA. I don't make a fuss if I sense another woman is flirting because I trust my husband and I know he has great boundaries. We talk afterwards about what happened. It's good to do a check on how we each perceived the incident. 

If the flirting came from a colleague who currently works with him (and that hasn't happened so far), I would be more concerned than a random person but not overly worried. I trust my spouse. However, it's not good to have blind trust. You need trust but you also have to verify occasionally. 

I also know as far as the hugging goes it's very cultural where I am now and not something to worry about. Even my child's doctor hugged me when we went for a visit. It's really that common here.


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## FirstYearDown

I wasn't angry with my husband at all. He didn't seem like he was encouraging the attention. When that woman threw her arms around my hubby, he looked confused. After I made the comment, he took my hand as we walked away. I think my husband was trying to make me feel less annoyed as well as show the woman where his heart lies. 

SA, my husband is hardly a social butterfly. He was mostly quiet as usual during the party. I am very happy that we will never see this person again. I don't think spouses should put anything past each other; people are capable of much more than we will ever realize.

When we discussed the incident in the car, my husband was happy that I handled the situation well. A younger FYD would have simply flown off the handle.


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## Stonewall

its normal down south so I not sure what to tell you.


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## Entropy3000

My wife would have no problems in doing it this way.



> I am curious to understand something... how does one say "take your hands off my husband " and laugh ?


She might add at the end ... He's mine sweetie.

She probably would instead however drape herself all over me where the other woman would have to hug us both. LOL.


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## DanF

We are huggers down South, but not hanging all over someone that is barely known. If a woman were to do that to me, I would simply say, "Please don't do that.", and get away from her.
If a man did that to my wife, I would say, "Don't do that. She's not your wife." and stare him down.

On a side note, a few years ago, this floozy that worked at the Navy base restaurant put her arm around me as I was standing in line to pay my bill for lunch. I can't stand this woman, she acts like a 65 year old two dollar hooker.
I said (quite loudly in order to embarrass her) "Don't put your arm around me! We have rules against that in MY Navy."
She kind of slinked off(slunk off?) and never even spoke to me after that.

I think you handled yourself well.


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## Drover

You should've just asked where her husband is because you;d like to say hello.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

#1 Don't ever go to France or Italy or Quebec or Cuba or Miami!
You should just explain to her that hugging in your culture is reserved for intimate family members and that she is creeping you out by hugging your husband. If she continues to hug him then the conversation can turn to asking her why she is doing something that she knows creeps you out when you explained to her nicely that it is offensive to you for her to do that. If she gives any kind of response other than an apology and a promise not to do that in the future, you can tell her that she is no longer welcome in your social space. But honestly? I think you should explain your feelings to your husband, and as the huggee he should set the boundaries and be the one to respect your feelings on the matter. I don't think you should have to say anything at all. If your husband doesn't respect your feelings, you have a big problem. Bigger than someone hugging him.


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## Katiebird

Wow. I can see how this made you uncomfortable and it truly maybe a social norm where she is from. However, this doesn't make it right. I have the problem that my H will meet someone in a store - man or woman - and talk to them for quite a while and NEVER introduce me or even acknowledge my presence . . . and then when they were walking away he will turn to me, all innocence and say "Oops - I guess I should have introduced you . . ."


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## livelaughlovenow

FirstYearDown said:


> I wasn't angry with my husband at all. He didn't seem like he was encouraging the attention. When that woman threw her arms around my hubby, he looked confused. After I made the comment, he took my hand as we walked away. I think my husband was trying to make me feel less annoyed as well as show the woman where his heart lies.
> 
> SA, my husband is hardly a social butterfly. He was mostly quiet as usual during the party. I am very happy that we will never see this person again. I don't think spouses should put anything past each other; people are capable of much more than we will ever realize.
> 
> When we discussed the incident in the car, my husband was happy that I handled the situation well. A younger FYD would have simply flown off the handle.


Well clearly you have made progress with your jealousy, and to be honest, I think you handled the situation well... and so did your husband by taking your hand. Being territorial or a little jealous in such situations I think is normal, and I bet your husband would've felt the same if the shoe were reversed. I understand you are confused by the feeling, however, as you said, you have felt this before... so i don't understand why you are confused by the feeling.... I can say this, if you are indifferent to such things, you have a problem in your relationship. If something like that happened and it didn't bother me, that would be a red flag that something was wrong with my feelings for my husband. Now if you had flown off the handle or went off on your dh, despite his clear reaction of surprise and clear reaction to show the other woman he is with you, then that is bad jealousy.


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## Gaia

Well... you got some great advice here... but i would have gave a verbal warning.. and if she didn't get the hint i would have outright smacked the B... but that's just me lmao.. I'm NOT the nicest person in the world and definitely even less if someone is doing something i find inappropriate toward MY man.


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## FirstYearDown

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> #1 Don't ever go to France or Italy or Quebec or Cuba or Miami!
> You should just explain to her that hugging in your culture is reserved for intimate family members and that she is creeping you out by hugging your husband. If she continues to hug him then the conversation can turn to asking her why she is doing something that she knows creeps you out when you explained to her nicely that it is offensive to you for her to do that. If she gives any kind of response other than an apology and a promise not to do that in the future, you can tell her that she is no longer welcome in your social space. But honestly? I think you should explain your feelings to your husband, and as the huggee he should set the boundaries and be the one to respect your feelings on the matter. I don't think you should have to say anything at all. If your husband doesn't respect your feelings, you have a big problem. Bigger than someone hugging him.


I am well aware that some other cultures hug all the time. I don't know why everyone keeps mentioning that. I am simply speaking of social behavior where I am from. Once again: Where I live, acquaintances do not hug. They shake hands. 
If you read my last post, you would know that my husband and I discussed this issue. My feelings are well respected by him. 
How did I politely tell her? I said "Hey! Get your hands off my hubby!" All of this with a smile on my face.


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## that_girl

You are way hotter than her though. She looked like a man in drag.


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## bubbly girl

I think you handled it very well FYD. You didn't make a huge deal about it and cause a scene, but you did let her know to get her hands off your man. 

I wouldn't like another woman getting all over my husband either.

Good for you for not blaming your husband for the incident. Some wives would be mad at their husband even though he didn't do anything wrong.


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## that_girl

I have NEVER been hugged by someone I just met. I'm glad i don't live where that happens. That's creepy to me.


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## bubbly girl

that_girl said:


> I have NEVER been hugged by someone I just met. I'm glad i don't live where that happens. That's creepy to me.


If someone does that where I'm from, we call them weird...or drunk. LOL


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## Gaia

that_girl said:


> You are way hotter than her though. She looked like a man in drag.


 you were there??


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## that_girl

nooo...saw pics from party.


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## Gaia

that_girl said:


> nooo...saw pics from party.


oooh ok... lol...


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## shy_guy

FirstYearDown said:


> I am reposting about this issue because it bothered me and I am seeking insight. I hope that nobody makes fun of me this time.
> 
> How do you feel when someone flirts with your husband right in front of you? Normally I am _very _secure, but yesterday some woman got all squealy and gladhands with my husband. She barely knew us, but she hugged him. *Nobody *hugs others where I live unless it is a close friend or family members. She was also gushing about "what a good man" my husband is. I told her to take her hands off my husband, laughing the whole time when I wanted to smack her. I don't understand this feeling because I have never been territorial or jealous.
> 
> So help me out TAM. I would ask that members take my feelings into consideration and refrain from taking the piss. You may find this hilarious, but the situation was not funny to me at all. It was confusing and irritating.


I see a lot of questions here. FYD, I know you are familiar with me on TAM, but still, before I start answering, I think it is good for me to put my self-assessment out both for you and for me to evaluate how it may have affected what comes next. Although I tend to be skeptical of things that people tell me, or at least I tend to look to see where their background has flavored what they tell me, when it comes to the people themselves, I tend to give people a benefit of the doubt - at least to not think they are bad people. I can go into more detail if needed, but I think that is enough for now, and you'll see that in my response.

First, you say you don't understand the feeling because you're normally not territorial. I first think it is good to define what "territorial" might mean the way you are using it, because it sounds as if you are viewing "territorial" as being a bad thing. I don't think it necessarily is. If we define territorial as in the sense of on the job, where someone refuses to cooperate and work with a team because of fear that someone else might make him/her unnecessary, then in that sense, I would define territorial as being negative. However; in your case, you see that you should have exclusive access to your husband in certain ways, and you step up to protect that from intrusion. I see that as 100% in line with human nature. It's not being insecure - it's recognizing a threat and stepping up to deal with it. If you carried it to the extreme that your husband couldn't speak to another woman without upsetting you, then obviously that is a problem, but I don't think that is what you are doing.

So where is the dividing line between where being territorial is healthy and where it is suffocating? I think that is going to be the question you have to answer, and it is very individual. It is also dynamic, so it is something your husband and you have to work out together. I realize some people (even on TAM) like to define the feeling as "insecure" and say things like "This is 2012," but I don't think the number on the calendar changes human nature, and I think stepping up to guard what is yours is a part of securing what is yours.

Summing that up: I see your reaction as perfectly normal. You may not have felt threatened that way before, so you may not have experienced those emotions before, but certainly, we should expect you to want to defend what is yours. Actually, your husband should expect you to defend what's yours. If it is within reason, I would actually perceive it as an expression of love and desire.

The next question is: Did you perceive her intentions correctly? This is a little more difficult. You told us what the customs are where you are from, but where is this woman from? And what is her cultural background? We don't know, and you may not know, either. I'm not sure what "Glad hands," means where you're from. (Where I'm from, "Glad hands" refers to someone who accomplishes by shaking hands and making friends instead of working ...  ). If she was grabbing your husband's butt, then I would think that would be very upsetting. Of course, just shaking his hands enthusiastically would not, by itself, be cause for alarm ... but we can't see the rest of the non-verbal communication the way you did. Keep in mind that it is also possible for someone who is just naturally enthusiastic and complimentary to be seen a flirty when that was not that person's intention at all. If a person like that, or someone who is like that just below the surface has a little bit to drink, then that kind of action may be a little more than usual, even.

What I think about this is that you should probably talk with the other person who saw the nonverbal communication and compare notes. Of course, I mean talking with your husband, but when you do this, let me give you a couple of things from my POV that might be good to keep in mind.

The first one is: I don't expect to see someone flirting with me. In the last 27 years, I think I can remember 2 times when I actually knew somebody was flirting with me, and they practically had to hit me over the head with it before I recognized it. It's very possible your husband also just does not expect to see somebody flirting with him, and in such a case, his perception might, honestly, not involve any flirting at all. If it doesn't, don't just assume he's being dishonest.

The second one is in how you approach it. I know if my wife saw what she thought was flirting and she brought it up like, "That woman was all over you and you didn't do <X>, <Y>, or <Z> to stop it," then my first reaction is going to be defensive. I'm going to have to really have a good grip on the situation to not be defensive, and if I'm just broadsided with that, I'm probably not going to have a good grip on the situation. That will be perceived by my wife as being hostility, or as me hiding it. However; if my wife begins by asking me, "What did you think of the way she was talking to you last night?" and she is really listening to what I'm saying, then I'm probably not going to be defensive. At some point she can then tell me that she's asking because her perception was that the woman was being flirty. We're probably going to go through steps of how this woman did <x>, <y> and <z> and that gave her that perception. Whether I agree with her interpretation or not, this gives me an chance to understand that <x>, <y> and <z> was perceived by my wife as being flirty, and I'll be more able to deal with it in the future. However; I'm going to want to talk to her about what we should do to deal with a situation in the future without causing an explosion and an awkward social incident.

I think you need to talk with your husband about it, though.

If your husband did recognize it as her flirting, then talking also gives you a chance to recognize that he might have been in an even more awkward situation that you were. I don't know what significance this woman has in your lives (if any). Was she just someone at the party? A friend of a friend? Someone that works in the same company as your husband?

As it is, I think you reacted and handled things in a very good manner. You let her know that your husband was yours, and you avoided an explosion. That sounds like it worked out.

If she was coming on to your husband and he recognized it, he was probably looking for the least explosive way possible to deal with it. If it caught both of you by surprise, then you may have given him that by joking the way you did.

When you talk to your husband, you might discuss with him several different ways to deal with it should something like this happen again. Let me be very clear that I disagree with the poster earlier who thinks the best way is to walk out and force his hand. I don't think that is giving him the same respect that you want from him, and I think he will recognize that pretty quickly. I think nuclear options like walking out may get results in the short term, but you should weigh the long-term possiblities there, and also should ask how many times you can really exercise that. (I'm sure you don't need me to explain that to you - I recognize that you are a very high caliber person. I just need to deal with it as a possibility in this little novel  )

My thought is always to deal with situations with least force necessary. One reason is that you don't always know who the person is you're dealing with. It might be a friend of a friend, relative of a friend, someone whose professional feedback your husband may need in a future performance review ... etc. It's also possible you've completely misread the person. Some things you might be able to discuss:

When someone is behaving like this woman, if I recognized it as her flirting, one thing I would really appreciate is just for my wife to give me a chance to show her affection. All she would need to do is walk beside me and give me a chance to put my arm around her and compliment her. You know, if I've misread the person, then this has done no damage at all. If the person misread me and didn't realize (for some strange reason) that I'm married, this gives the person the excuse of ignorance and the chance to back out without embarassment. If the person wanted to pursue it further, then the next step would be a direct and private confrontation. There are many methods of least force, I'm sure. However; if you do something like walk out, you've put your husband in a very awkward and embarassing situation. If you punch her in the kisser ... you get the idea.

So summarizing the whole thing:

Your feelings were natural.
Your reaction was properly measured. You did well.
You might need to talk with your husband to find out what he saw and thought.
You might need to strategize with your husband about situations where you feel like your position is threatened. It's not insecurity (in a negative sense) - it's your place and your claim.

I hope that helps, and explains where I'm coming from in my conclusion and summary.


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## that_girl

I'm super territorial. If that chick was all over hubs, I'd have cut a betch!


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## Deejo

that_girl said:


> You are way hotter than her though. She looked like a man in drag.


Damn that was funny.


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## Bambusa

FirstYearDown said:


> How do you feel when someone flirts with your husband right in front of you?


For me my feelings on one sided flirting, would have nothing to do with jealousy or feeling territorial. I'd be very annoyed though. I would feel like she has been deliberately disrespectful towards me.

Her behaviour sounded way over the top.

It sounds like your husband was a deer caught in the headlights.


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## Cosmos

Deejo said:


> Respectfully, how she _feels_ isn't his problem.
> 
> FYD is absolutely entitled to feel angry that she perceived another woman making goo-goo eyes at her man.
> 
> But ... that does not mean that he experiences it the same way. He may feel it's inappropriate or uncomfortable, but no man that I know, within the circumstances outlined is going to say, "You need to step off, you're being inappropriate." He is going to 'endure' it, and then get away from the crazy-hug-lady as soon as possible.
> 
> Now if he is flirting back ... that is a different matter.


I disagree. How a spouse / partner feels _is _ the other spouse/partner's problem. The OP's husband was in no way responsible for the huggy/flirty lady's behaviour, but as a loving spouse, he would obviously be concerned at how it made her feel...

I'm not saying that the OP's husband could've dealt with things better, but if a man started flirting / hugging me in front of my partner, without saying a word or causing any fuss, he would be left in _no doubt whatsoever_ that his attentions were unwelcome.


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## CandieGirl

FirstYearDown said:


> I am reposting about this issue because it bothered me and I am seeking insight. I hope that nobody makes fun of me this time.
> 
> How do you feel when someone flirts with your husband right in front of you? Normally I am _very _secure, but yesterday some woman got all squealy and gladhands with my husband. She barely knew us, but she hugged him. *Nobody *hugs others where I live unless it is a close friend or family members. She was also gushing about "what a good man" my husband is. I told her to take her hands off my husband, laughing the whole time when I wanted to smack her. I don't understand this feeling because I have never been territorial or jealous.
> 
> So help me out TAM. I would ask that members take my feelings into consideration and refrain from taking the piss. You may find this hilarious, but the situation was not funny to me at all. It was confusing and irritating.


Oh my God, the giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feely-type? You know what I've done (in the past) when stuff like this has happened? I've immediately mimicked the giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feelyness, and it usually stops them in they're tracks. They just kinda stand there, staring back at you, mouth askew, wondering if you're serious, crazy, or a combination of both. Results in almost immediate backing off of said giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feely-type.

Anyways, to hell with her, she's nothing. More important is your H's reaction to it.


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## CandieGirl

Bambusa said:


> For me my feelings on one sided flirting, would have nothing to do with jealousy or feeling territorial. I'd be very annoyed though. I would feel like she has been deliberately disrespectful towards me.
> 
> Her behaviour sounded way over the top.
> 
> *It sounds like your husband was a deer caught in the headlights.*


I think many men are like this; I know my H is. We had something similar a few months back. He was just clueless about it, while IMO, she was just acting like a C (rhymes with hunt). Either way, no real threat. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling a pang of jealousy every now and then. It keeps us on our toes.


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## okeydokie

i would be very vulnerable to attention like that from another woman


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## shy_guy

CandieGirl said:


> Oh my God, the giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feely-type? You know what I've done (in the past) when stuff like this has happened? I've immediately mimicked the giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feelyness, and it usually stops them in they're tracks. They just kinda stand there, staring back at you, mouth askew, wondering if you're serious, crazy, or a combination of both. Results in almost immediate backing off of said giddy-giggly-flirty-touchy-feely-type.
> 
> Anyways, to hell with her, she's nothing. More important is your H's reaction to it.


However, you're not an island in this world. Especially in social settings, sometimes the spouse's best interests are not so easily separated from the social interaction. There are boundaries of course, but you want to be sure you're not cutting your nose off to spite your face when you choose how you deal with it.

The mimicing is something that irritated me when I read this.

There are many different personality types. Some people are just bubbly, and I don't think it's always just put-on. It would be easy to misread something this person just intended to be complimentary. I see the mimicry as being a form of what I call trying to ridicule someone into submission. I really HATE that tactic. I don't know of anyone who likes being dealt with like that. Even if I don't like what someone is doing, I think I can find better ways than that to deal with it.

If that's your choice of how to deal with the situation, just remember, there are other people who see it, and they may not have the reaction to it you think they will have ... how will that affect you in the future? How are you going to need that person who looked on with that reaction you didn't expect, or the friends that person has had the chance to tell the story to?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

Thanks for all the honest and supportive responses.

The situation has become a running gag with us since it happened. I throw my arms around my husband like I always do and squeal "Ooooh! You are such a good maaaaaaaaan!" :rofl::rofl:


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## working_together

I would have been pretty pissed with a woman flirting and then to hug my man right in front of me....nah, that's just rude and disrespectful.

I think I remember where you're from, and yeah, they don't hug there at all....lol


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## anonim

FirstYearDown said:


> I am reposting about this issue because it bothered me and I am seeking insight. I hope that nobody makes fun of me this time.
> 
> How do you feel when someone flirts with your husband right in front of you? Normally I am _very _secure, but yesterday some woman got all squealy and *gladhands* with my husband.


I have never heard of this word before but yet it fits _so _well, how it defines itself is amazing... ....your hands are expressing how happy you are....

...anyways i digress. I'm not too bothered with someone flirts with my SO, I get more concerned if and how she responds to them.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Gladhands means touching too much in an inappropriate manner.


----------



## that_girl

FirstYearDown said:


> Gladhands means touching too much in an inappropriate manner.


I'd gladhand you any day  rawr.


----------



## FirstYearDown

shy_guy said:


> I see a lot of questions here. FYD, I know you are familiar with me on TAM, but still, before I start answering, I think it is good for me to put my self-assessment out both for you and for me to evaluate how it may have affected what comes next. Although I tend to be skeptical of things that people tell me, or at least I tend to look to see where their background has flavored what they tell me, when it comes to the people themselves, I tend to give people a benefit of the doubt - at least to not think they are bad people. I can go into more detail if needed, but I think that is enough for now, and you'll see that in my response.
> 
> First, you say you don't understand the feeling because you're normally not territorial. I first think it is good to define what "territorial" might mean the way you are using it, because it sounds as if you are viewing "territorial" as being a bad thing. I don't think it necessarily is. If we define territorial as in the sense of on the job, where someone refuses to cooperate and work with a team because of fear that someone else might make him/her unnecessary, then in that sense, I would define territorial as being negative. However; in your case, you see that you should have exclusive access to your husband in certain ways, and you step up to protect that from intrusion. I see that as 100% in line with human nature.Many of us have been groomed to think that territoriality is a bad trait. I'd be concerned if my husband didn't mind other men oggling his wife or flirting. It's not being insecure - it's recognizing a threat and stepping up to deal with it. If you carried it to the extreme that your husband couldn't speak to another woman without upsetting you, then obviously that is a problem, but I don't think that is what you are doing.Oh dear Lord, no! I am not unreasonable, just don't like women flirting with my husband in front of me. Very disrespectful and loose to do so.
> 
> So where is the dividing line between where being territorial is healthy and where it is suffocating? I think that is going to be the question you have to answer, and it is very individual. It is also dynamic, so it is something your husband and you have to work out together. I realize some people (even on TAM) like to define the feeling as "insecure" and say things like "This is 2012," but I don't think the number on the calendar changes human nature, and I think stepping up to guard what is yours is a part of securing what is yours. :iagree:
> 
> Summing that up: I see your reaction as perfectly normal. You may not have felt threatened that way before, so you may not have experienced those emotions before, but certainly, we should expect you to want to defend what is yours.That is a very good point; sometimes difficult emotions are even more baffling when they are new. Actually, your husband should expect you to defend what's yours. If it is within reason, I would actually perceive it as an expression of love and desire. I believe that when my husband grabbed my hand and walked away with me, that gesture said "Don't worry. We only belong to each other."
> 
> The next question is: Did you perceive her intentions correctly? This is a little more difficult. You told us what the customs are where you are from, but where is this woman from?She was born and raised in Canada, just like me. And what is her cultural background?Caribbean, just like mine is. We don't know, and you may not know, either. I'm not sure what "Glad hands," means where you're from. (Where I'm from, "Glad hands" refers to someone who accomplishes by shaking hands and making friends instead of working ...  ). Gladhands is being inappropriately touchy feely. If she was grabbing your husband's butt, then I would think that would be very upsetting. Of course, just shaking his hands enthusiastically would not, by itself, be cause for alarm ... but we can't see the rest of the non-verbal communication the way you did. Keep in mind that it is also possible for someone who is just naturally enthusiastic and complimentary to be seen a flirty when that was not that person's intention at all.This is true. I had this problem growing up. If a person like that, or someone who is like that just below the surface has a little bit to drink, then that kind of action may be a little more than usual, even.
> 
> What I think about this is that you should probably talk with the other person who saw the nonverbal communication and compare notes. Of course, I mean talking with your husband, but when you do this, let me give you a couple of things from my POV that might be good to keep in mind. We have discussed this issue and it has been resolved. It has even become a joke between us.
> 
> The first one is: I don't expect to see someone flirting with me. In the last 27 years, I think I can remember 2 times when I actually knew somebody was flirting with me, and they practically had to hit me over the head with it before I recognized it. It's very possible your husband also just does not expect to see somebody flirting with him, and in such a case, his perception might, honestly, not involve any flirting at all. If it doesn't, don't just assume he's being dishonest. I flirt with my husband all the time and so do a few other women. I have just never seen a woman flirt while I was there.
> 
> The second one is in how you approach it. I know if my wife saw what she thought was flirting and she brought it up like, "That woman was all over you and you didn't do <X>, <Y>, or <Z> to stop it," then my first reaction is going to be defensive. I'm going to have to really have a good grip on the situation to not be defensive, and if I'm just broadsided with that, I'm probably not going to have a good grip on the situation. That will be perceived by my wife as being hostility, or as me hiding it. However; if my wife begins by asking me, "What did you think of the way she was talking to you last night?" and she is really listening to what I'm saying, then I'm probably not going to be defensive. At some point she can then tell me that she's asking because her perception was that the woman was being flirty. We're probably going to go through steps of how this woman did <x>, <y> and <z> and that gave her that perception. Whether I agree with her interpretation or not, this gives me an chance to understand that <x>, <y> and <z> was perceived by my wife as being flirty, and I'll be more able to deal with it in the future. However; I'm going to want to talk to her about what we should do to deal with a situation in the future without causing an explosion and an awkward social incident. Duly noted. I was never angry with my husband. My reaction was about not being accustomed to experiencing flirty women right in front of my face like this.
> 
> I think you need to talk with your husband about it, though.
> 
> If your husband did recognize it as her flirting, then talking also gives you a chance to recognize that he might have been in an even more awkward situation that you were. I don't know what significance this woman has in your lives (if any). Was she just someone at the party? A friend of a friend? Someone that works in the same company as your husband? Nobody significant at all.
> 
> As it is, I think you reacted and handled things in a very good manner. You let her know that your husband was yours, and you avoided an explosion. That sounds like it worked out. It helps that so many members felt that I handled the situation well. As people mature, they learn ways to deal with emotions which are not self destructive.
> 
> If she was coming on to your husband and he recognized it, he was probably looking for the least explosive way possible to deal with it. If it caught both of you by surprise, then you may have given him that by joking the way you did.
> 
> When you talk to your husband, you might discuss with him several different ways to deal with it should something like this happen again. Let me be very clear that I disagree with the poster earlier who thinks the best way is to walk out and force his hand. I don't think that is giving him the same respect that you want from him, and I think he will recognize that pretty quickly. I think nuclear options like walking out may get results in the short term, but you should weigh the long-term possiblities there, and also should ask how many times you can really exercise that. (I'm sure you don't need me to explain that to you - I recognize that you are a very high caliber person. I just need to deal with it as a possibility in this little novel  )
> 
> My thought is always to deal with situations with least force necessary. One reason is that you don't always know who the person is you're dealing with. It might be a friend of a friend, relative of a friend, someone whose professional feedback your husband may need in a future performance review ... etc. It's also possible you've completely misread the person. Some things you might be able to discuss: :iagree:
> 
> When someone is behaving like this woman, if I recognized it as her flirting, one thing I would really appreciate is just for my wife to give me a chance to show her affection. All she would need to do is walk beside me and give me a chance to put my arm around her and compliment her. You know, if I've misread the person, then this has done no damage at all. If the person misread me and didn't realize (for some strange reason) that I'm married, this gives the person the excuse of ignorance and the chance to back out without embarassment. If the person wanted to pursue it further, then the next step would be a direct and private confrontation. There are many methods of least force, I'm sure. However; if you do something like walk out, you've put your husband in a very awkward and embarassing situation. If you punch her in the kisser ... you get the idea. I loved the way my husband just took my hand. He also looked at me with concern when he heard me choking on bitter laughter.
> 
> So summarizing the whole thing:
> 
> Your feelings were natural.
> Your reaction was properly measured. You did well.
> You might need to talk with your husband to find out what he saw and thought.
> You might need to strategize with your husband about situations where you feel like your position is threatened. It's not insecurity (in a negative sense) - it's your place and your claim.
> 
> I hope that helps, and explains where I'm coming from in my conclusion and summary.


----------



## CandieGirl

shy_guy said:


> However, you're not an island in this world. Especially in social settings, sometimes the spouse's best interests are not so easily separated from the social interaction. There are boundaries of course, but you want to be sure you're not cutting your nose off to spite your face when you choose how you deal with it.
> 
> The mimicing is something that irritated me when I read this.
> 
> There are many different personality types. Some people are just bubbly, and I don't think it's always just put-on. It would be easy to misread something this person just intended to be complimentary. I see the mimicry as being a form of what I call trying to ridicule someone into submission. I really HATE that tactic. I don't know of anyone who likes being dealt with like that. Even if I don't like what someone is doing, I think I can find better ways than that to deal with it.
> 
> If that's your choice of how to deal with the situation, just remember, there are other people who see it, and they may not have the reaction to it you think they will have ... how will that affect you in the future? How are you going to need that person who looked on with that reaction you didn't expect, or the friends that person has had the chance to tell the story to?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's a difference between 'bubbly' and someone who is out and out trying to get in there with your man...most of the time, we gals can tell the difference.

Another good one to try is just a hard look. I used that one to repel a bimbo waitress down at the pub, who used to like to hug my husband. It worked.

Oh, BTW, I've never really been one to worry about what other people are going to think of me, especially if my tactic gets the desired result; getting rid of some fricken broad....who would usually be someone I'd have no use for in the first place.


----------



## shy_guy

CandieGirl said:


> There's a difference between 'bubbly' and someone who is out and out trying to get in there with your man...most of the time, we gals can tell the difference.


I agree with the first statement. However; the second statement is subjective. Stating it succinctly: You gals are not infallible with your impressions. (WOW! Do we guys ever know THAT!) 



CandieGirl said:


> Oh, BTW, I've never really been one to worry about what other people are going to think of me, especially if my tactic gets the desired result; getting rid of some fricken broad....who would usually be someone I'd have no use for in the first place.


If this was really true, you would not have felt a need to come back and justify your answer to me. I think a more honest approach is to evaluate to what level and in what circumstances you care. However; most times, when I see this used, it's a flippant attempt at justifying bad or immature behavior. I think what you put forward in the response I was replying to was immature. If I was in the audience and saw it, I might have recognized the gal as flirting, but if that's how you dealt with it, You would have made a very strong negative impression on me, even if I was a friend of yours. People have things in their background that you don't know about, and it causes reactions like that. You may have gained something short term (or so you think), but you don't know that would have cost you long term ... even with your husband if doing so really put him in an awkward position with other people there. I'm saying it is wise to think of that before jumping out with a highschoolish reaction. It's probably better that you read that from someone you don't even know here than miss out because you never thought of that with people who might really have an effect on your life.

After the semi-colon ... again, balance. We all do well to recognize that. There are some people I don't want to hang around. However; I don't throw people out or just decide I have no use for them. You never know when you'll need someone. I've learned that in my life. You might want to apply that thinking when you look at the relationships in your life.


----------



## Cosmos

CandieGirl said:


> There's a difference between 'bubbly' and someone who is out and out trying to get in there with your man...most of the time, we gals can tell the difference.


I agree. I think this is one difference between the sexes. Men don't _usually_ 'hit' on other men's partners in front of them, just for the fun of it, but some women do just that. It's a sort of power play with them. The flirty woman knows that she's won when the other woman gets upset, so the secret is reacting as little as possible.


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## sinnister

Womans intuitions?

You ladies know better than us men when being very friendly has a hidden meaning. Perhaps you sensed her throwing some pheremones his way.


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## FirstYearDown

Cosmos, you are so right. That is why I did not scream or smack the b!tch like I wanted to. I have matured into a woman who is not scrappy or confrontational at the drop of a hat.


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## SimplyAmorous

I just asked my husband how he would want me to respond if this happened... he said most men wouldn't want to be rude to a women, they are more subtle and yeah .. he would welcome the "cat fight"... then he walked away saying..... " I'm glad I'm ugly, I don't have that problem". 

Thing is , I probably wouldn't say anything .....So I guess I would let him down. Oh well, now I know he'd want me to get out the claws and rescue him.


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## Love Song

I will give you insight on my relationship and hopefully this helps you.

I don't get jealous or upset over other women who interact with my husband. I know where he stands on this and I think that's why I feel so comfortable in myself and with our relationship not to get jealous or upset. I know my husband well enough to know if a woman approaches him because she likes him he will try to make her experience with him uncomfortable. He does it in a way that isn't rude but makes it so she won't really want to be around him. Add to this we talk about everything so if this were to happen while I am not around he would tell me the next time he saw me. 

I don't think it matters how other women may be around your husband. It matters how your husband handles it. Your husband should be the one speaking up initially IMO and letting it be known to the girl that her actions are not ok.


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## FirstYearDown

My husband and I both handled the situation quite well.

The issue was not being comfortable with my own feelings.


----------



## FirstYearDown

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just asked my husband how he would want me to respond if this happened... he said most men wouldn't want to be rude to a women, they are more subtle and yeah .. he would welcome the "cat fight"... then he walked away saying..... " I'm glad I'm ugly, I don't have that problem".
> 
> Thing is , I probably wouldn't say anything .....So I guess I would let him down. Oh well, now I know he'd want me to get out the claws and rescue him.


Did you really think I had a cat fight with this woman? :scratchhead: Maybe we have different ideas about what a cat fight is...

I might be wrong, but it seems like you are judging me for being upset. You asked if my husband thought I was overreacting and if he thought it was okay that I was "mentally ready to slit a throat." Now you are talking about having a cat fight. Not sure why you are amplifying my reaction and making it much worse than what it was.

Once again, I was NEVER ANGRY WITH MY HUSBAND. I posted this thread to talk about the situation and whether or not my reaction was normal. If I was concerned about my husband's reaction, then that is what I would talk about.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

FirstYearDown said:


> Did you really think I had a cat fight with this woman? :scratchhead: Maybe we have different ideas about what a cat fight is...


No, I just explained to him what you said to her -with a  ...."take your hands off my husband" ...it was his response back to me that used the term "cat fight" .... I never used the expression... he did. He wasn't against it -obviously, he saw it as sticking up for your man. 

I just can't for the life of me, see ME handling it that way. That would be over the top for me. But that's Ok. We're all different... If I was angry enough to speak words like that, it wouldn't be with a , I can assure you.... It would be with a nasty sinister scowl ... and she'd likley run from me. 

Just cause I wouldn't (or think I wouldn't react like that ) doesn't mean I judge you. Near every wife on here is giving you the :smthumbup: telling you -you did well. That is what you were seeking, so really I guess there is something wrong with me! 

I think pretty much identicle to Love Song's post. So what, we are all different. Doesn't make it wrong or right -you got the hubs on your side ...so it's all good.


----------



## FirstYearDown

False validation is not helpful. I don't expect you or anyone else to react to things the way I would. I simply don't understand the need for erroneously describing my reaction, based on the way that _you _view the world.  If you know that we are all different, there is no reason to paint my response to the woman as some rampage.


----------



## Gaia

FirstYearDown said:


> I simply don't understand the need for erroneously describing my reaction, based on the way that _you _view the world.  If you know that we are all different, there is no reason to paint my response to the woman as some rampage.


:scratchhead: Slightly confused on that POV first... I hadn't seen her "painting" your response as some rampage... bit of a miscommunication/misunderstanding? Or... is it just that late and your all tired?


----------



## La Rose Noire

FirstYearDown said:


> Did you really think I had a cat fight with this woman? :scratchhead: Maybe we have different ideas about what a cat fight is...
> 
> I might be wrong, but it seems like you are judging me for being upset. You asked if my husband thought I was overreacting and if he thought it was okay that I was "mentally ready to slit a throat." Now you are talking about having a cat fight. Not sure why you are amplifying my reaction and making it much worse than what it was.
> 
> Once again, I was NEVER ANGRY WITH MY HUSBAND. I posted this thread to talk about the situation and whether or not my reaction was normal. If I was concerned about my husband's reaction, then that is what I would talk about.


_Me-ow_


----------



## FirstYearDown

Gaia said:


> :scratchhead: Slightly confused on that POV first... I hadn't seen her "painting" your response as some rampage... bit of a miscommunication/misunderstanding? Or... is it just that late and your all tired?


"...Does he feel you over-reacted or you have every right to be steamed & ready to mentally slit a throat?" 

I found this description rather extreme and incorrect is all.


----------



## Gaia

FirstYearDown said:


> "...Does he feel you over-reacted or you have every right to be steamed & ready to mentally slit a throat?"
> 
> I found this description rather extreme and incorrect is all.


I guess I missed that part.. not finding it :/


----------



## memyselfandi

Why would anyone find this situation funny and blame you for acting wrongly?? This woman acted completely inappropriatly and it was your right to call her on it.

Some women just don't know their boundaries and I've found that those are usually the ones that get all huggy; strike up a conversation with a man while excluding his wife in the conversation, etc. just to see how much they can get away with.

What needs to be done with these women is to embarrass the hell out of them by interrupting the conversation after the stupid ass hug and say, "Hello...I'm sorry we haven't been introduced..I'm so and so...his wife.(while you reach out to shake her hand)..and yeah..isn't he a great guy?? That's why I married him.." 

Let her hang all over someone else's man..just not yours!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

FirstYearDown said:


> False validation is not helpful. I don't expect you or anyone else to react to things the way I would. I simply don't understand the need for erroneously describing my reaction, based on the way that _you _view the world.  If you know that we are all different, there is no reason to paint my response to the woman as some rampage.


Oh my 1st year.. I feel the need to defend myself a little here. 


I wouldn't say I misrepresented your story to my husband... I did not add my thoughts at all... he was walking past earlier & I gave him the situation...the scenerio as you described it in your opening post and asked him how he would feel if I said those words to a woman if she was hugging him ....Now notice this... He agreed with you! YOu even gave me a LIKE on my post... because of it..

I think it now comes down to his choice of words .... 

Let's just say...my husband is not Mr Rogers - he does use some terminology that might not be so polite or politically correct at times ("cat fight"). I figured you would appreciate his thoughts -that he agreed, never thought his words would be a contention. 

It was never meant to be an offense. Really. Not sure what false validation means exactly? You have been overwhelmingly validated on this thread. Just got another one from memyselfandi. :smthumbup:



> "...Does he feel you over-reacted or you have every right to be steamed & ready to mentally slit a throat?"


 Yep, I did say that, it is a feeling... doesn't mean we'd do it...of course not. You were steamed, you know you was, you felt it was terribly terribly wrong....how dare her... It is an expression... am I perfect... hell no! Too expressive at time... Hell Yeah! You'll just have to forgive me...for being ME. Never meant to offend.


----------



## FirstYearDown

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh my 1st year.. I feel the need to defend myself a little here.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't say I misrepresented your story to my husband... I did not add my thoughts at all... he was walking past earlier & I gave him the situation...the scenerio as you described it in your opening post and asked him how he would feel if I said those words to a woman if she was hugging him ....Now notice this... He agreed with you! YOu even gave me a LIKE on my post... because of it.. When I spoke of the story being misrepresented, I was referring to what was written here, not what you said to your hubby.
> 
> I think it now comes down to his choice of words ....
> 
> Let's just say...my husband is not Mr Rogers - he does use some terminology that might not be so polite or politically correct at times ("cat fight"). I figured you would appreciate his thoughts -that he agreed, never thought his words would be a contention. :lol: I don't think a live wire like you could stand being married to Mr. Rogers! I appreciated your husband's thoughts and I made the mistake of thinking the "cat fight" phrase was your words. Sorry about that.
> 
> It was never meant to be an offense. Really. Not sure what false validation means exactly? You have been overwhelmingly validated on this thread. Just got another one from memyselfandi. :smthumbup: I was saying that I was not seeking false validation.
> 
> Yep, I did say that, it is a feeling... doesn't mean we'd do it...of course not. You were steamed, you know you was, you felt it was terribly terribly wrong....how dare her... It is an expression... am I perfect... hell no! Too expressive at time... Hell Yeah! You'll just have to forgive me...for being ME. Never meant to offend.:smthumbup: Sure I forgive you. I was angry at the woman but I wasn't feeling homicidal.


----------



## Love Song

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband and I both handled the situation quite well.
> 
> The issue was not being comfortable with my own feelings.



1st Year I don't mean to offend by saying this but if you both had handled it well you wouldn't have walked away feeling upset afterwards. I'm not saying you handled it badly but I disagree that it was handled well. If it was the hug that upset you, your husband should know that and do what he can not to let other women (who are flirty) hug him. You should go into a situation like that already having a plan of action and knowing what to expect from your spouse.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Actually, if you are saying that the situation was not handled well, the opposite is handling it badly. You are entitled to your opinion, but let's refrain from pretending that you did not mean to say we did not respond to the situation properly in your eyes. All that really matters is *we *are happy with the way we handled the hug.  I am not going to explain anymore because I don't think that will make a difference. You are going to think what you want regardless of whatever I post. 

I do not live in your head, so I can never truly know if you were trying to offend me or not. You seem very concerned that we believe we did well. I thought my two line post that you quoted was enough explanation, but evidently it was not. I don't expect you or anyone else to agree with everything I post, but I would like to have my choices respected. This means that I do not want to be _continually pressured _into thinking I was wrong, when I have clearly stated otherwise. Is that fair? Hope that makes sense.


----------



## FirstYearDown

memyselfandi said:


> Why would anyone find this situation funny and blame you for acting wrongly?? This woman acted completely inappropriatly and it was your right to call her on it.
> 
> Some women just don't know their boundaries and I've found that those are usually the ones that get all huggy; strike up a conversation with a man while excluding his wife in the conversation, etc. just to see how much they can get away with.
> 
> What needs to be done with these women is to embarrass the hell out of them by interrupting the conversation after the stupid ass hug and say, "Hello...I'm sorry we haven't been introduced..I'm so and so...his wife.(while you reach out to shake her hand)..and yeah..isn't he a great guy?? That's why I married him.."
> 
> Let her hang all over someone else's man..just not yours!!!


I have no idea why I would be blamed for handling the situation incorrectly. I suppose we all have our own ideas about how to respond to any given event in our lives. When I initially posted about this issue, I was told that I must be experiencing PMS. Yes, really.


----------



## Cosmos

FirstYearDown, you got a good result from the way you and your H handled things, and that is all that matters. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone here.


----------



## FirstYearDown

My husband told me that he was surprised by the hug and when he grabbed my hand, it was his way of showing how much more important I am than some flirty fool. I tease him with the squealing tone and he showers me with kisses. "I am here with YOU. My wife is the only woman for me."


----------



## FirstYearDown

Cosmos said:


> FirstYearDown, you got a good result from the way you and your H handled things, and that is all that matters. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone here.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Caribbean Man

In our culture,
People hug ALL THE TIME.
Men hug men,women hug men , women hug women,and so forth.

I think that the length of time and the closeness of the hug determines if the intent was malicious.
But sometimes women have this way that they try to " diss " other women...,especially in front of their husbands / significant other.........
Damn.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Yes, CM we hug in our culture. Not in Canada though.

This woman was trying to "dis". She was an idiot because she was only dissing herself.


----------



## Love Song

FirstYearDown said:


> Actually, if you are saying that the situation was not handled well, the opposite is handling it badly. You are entitled to your opinion, but let's refrain from pretending that you did not mean to say we did not respond to the situation properly in your eyes. All that really matters is *we *are happy with the way we handled the hug.  I am not going to explain anymore because I don't think that will make a difference. You are going to think what you want regardless of whatever I post.
> 
> I do not live in your head, so I can never truly know if you were trying to offend me or not. You seem very concerned that we believe we did well. I thought my two line post that you quoted was enough explanation, but evidently it was not. I don't expect you or anyone else to agree with everything I post, but I would like to have my choices respected. This means that I do not want to be _continually pressured _into thinking I was wrong, when I have clearly stated otherwise. Is that fair? Hope that makes sense.


Honey I don't think your situation is so black and white. If I thought you handled it badly I would have said so. I call it how I see it. I don't know why you would think I have a reason to hide my opinion. I would rather say how I feel or not say anything at all. 

I had no intentions of offending you but knew what I had said was blunt and some people are offended by bluntness and so I said "I don't mean to offend". It's up to you how you take it but I was clear in stating how I felt. 

I do not think you handled this situation badly. I don't think it was handled well either. I think it was ok but that you and your husband could have been a better team in handling it. You posted on here asking for advice and I have given what was honest advice. 

The thing is I was trying to explain why I didn't think the situation was handled well. I have been in a situation like this before. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the woman who had made herself look like a fool by being flirty with my husband. There was no need for me to say anything at all. This is why I say it was not handled well IMO. I am not sure you are understanding what I am saying which is why I have gone into my explanation of why I don't feel your situation was handled well.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Love Song said:


> Honey I don't think your situation is so black and white. If I thought you handled it badly I would have said so. I call it how I see it. I don't know why you would think I have a reason to hide my opinion. I would rather say how I feel or not say anything at all.
> 
> I had no intentions of offending you but knew what I had said was blunt and some people are offended by bluntness and so I said "I don't mean to offend". It's up to you how you take it but I was clear in stating how I felt.
> 
> I do not think you handled this situation badly. I don't think it was handled well either. I think it was ok but that you and your husband could have been a better team in handling it. You posted on here asking for advice and I have given what was honest advice.
> 
> The thing is I was trying to explain why I didn't think the situation was handled well. I have been in a situation like this before. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the woman who had made herself look like a fool by being flirty with my husband. There was no need for me to say anything at all. This is why I say it was not handled well IMO. I am not sure you are understanding what I am saying which is why I have gone into my explanation of why I don't feel your situation was handled well.


Where does it say that I think you have to hide your opinion? I wrote that you are entitled to whatever you think. 

As for your bluntness and honesty, I know we handled the situation as best we could. I am sorry that you do not feel the same way, but it will not change how my husband and I perceive our reaction. 

I totally understand your explanation...I just place very little importance on what you have to say about this subject. Since you are the only person in a large group saying that I was wrong, I would tend to believe the majority rather than the minority. It would be a different story if several members told me that we did not handle the incident properly, but that is obviously not the case. 

If you don't mind, I would rather not to continue to go back and forth about this issue. We will just have to agree to disagree. Thanks for taking the time to respond and explain.


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## Love Song

You are not understanding what I am saying and I am removing myself from this thread.


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## that_girl

She handled it way better than I would! I'd have snatched that woman by her tacky weave!


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## FirstYearDown

Love Song said:


> You are not understanding what I am saying and I am removing myself from this thread.


Goodbye and good luck. :smthumbup:

I certainly comprehend your opinion...I just don't care very much about it. There is a difference.

Thank you, TG. Some people just like to spread negative vibes and then get huffy when others refuse to indulge it.


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## working_together

FirstYearDown said:


> Yes, CM we hug in our culture. Not in Canada though.
> 
> This woman was trying to "dis". She was an idiot because she was only dissing herself.


Especially in Ontario....whoa, they are cold....I'm in Quebec, people are forever kissing and hugging.


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## FirstYearDown

I know right? I love visiting la belle province. We will be stopping in Quebec City this summer.

It is like a cheaper version of Europe. :smthumbup:


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## working_together

FirstYearDown said:


> I know right? I love visiting la belle province. We will be stopping in Quebec City this summer.
> 
> It is like a cheaper version of Europe. :smthumbup:


You have to do some whale watching...


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## chicka

I don't think its cool to hug another woman's husband. But this woman may have just been clueless. Or maybe shes the always happy type who wants to express affection to everyone. But she should know most women would not accept having their husbands hugged!


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