# Logic of WS is Bass Akwards?



## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Never posted my whole saga but you can piece it together by reading through my posts in this section..

That being said.. yesterday was Valentines Day (whoopee.. not). Anyway there was a minor blowout in which she said and I'll quote "How can we fix the relationship if we don't have sex?" to which I replied "How can we have sex if we don't fix the relationship?".. Needless to say we are at an impasse here.. 

Thoughts....?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You say in some of your other posts that she repulses you. 

Well, put a bag over her head and pretend she's someone else. If you don't give it to her she's going to go find it somewhere else, and then you'll end up right back where you are now, which is nowhere. Only difference is she'll have one more notch in the bedpost.

Just saying.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well the intimacy of sex sometimes helps people reconnect with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Bandit said:


> she said and I'll quote *"How can we fix the relationship if we don't have sex?" *to which I replied *"How can we have sex if we don't fix the relationship?"*.. Needless to say we are at an impasse here..
> 
> Thoughts....?


Try with compromise...start sexting with her...its not sex and you can maybe become more comfortable with her and in a few weeks/months this can maybe lead to sex and a more relaxing relationship...

Since you don't want to divorce you should start trying different things to improve the relationship with your wife...

Good Luck


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry you don't experience Hysterical Bonding (HB), not everyone does.

Hysterical Bonding


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You remind me of the preacher who drowned because he believed that God would rescue him from the flooding waters only to realize after his death that God did try but he refused every time rescue boats came over to help him.

You may not want a divorce but eventually it will be your wife who will after finally realizing that your choices prove that you don't want her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Never got your whole story. Who was the OM? 

And Morituri is right. You need to help yourself. Marriage won't automatically fix by itself. You should have found that out by now. Had you divorced, you could have been happy in a new relationship by now. Had you made a more serious attempt at R, you would be mid way through it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Had you divorced, you would have been happy in a new relationship by now.


Or not.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Or not.


Was that my point?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My two sons and I confronted my WS on D-day. My sons and I took turns blasting away at her as this was so traumatic for all of us. I remember telling her that there will be no sex. There was a pause and my WS sat there and said, "No sex!". My wife looked and sounded like I just said the worse thing in the world. My youngest son jumped in and said "mom, do you know that you could have a STD? Why would dad risk having sex with you and getting a STD?"

I have reflected on my WS's comment, "No Sex!" several times over the past month. It is hard to give a good picture of her body language, voice intonation, etc. but it was if I took our first born from her.

I certainly may be wrong here but as I have put things together I truely donot believe my wife planned on leaving me. She wanted me and the OM. 

My one brother-in-law sent me a link to a site and I was on it yesterday. One of the articles talked about some women become more sexually active with their husbands during an affair.

I know that I may be going about this in a round about way but IMO your wife wants intimacy with you and you are not ready. 

For me the thoughts of a guy making my wife moan and having his penis in her was and is difficult to work through. I remember the first time we had sex after D-day I had difficulties. I freaken cried while we were doing it. And since then everytime time that we have sex I think of the OM doing her. In early December 2011, I asked my wife to tell me all the details and she did. And those mind movies play everytime. 

I think that what we had in the past was special. Now that is gone. I went upstairs several weeks ago and my wife was taking a bath as she does in the evening and I walked in and sat there talking to her. She started to shave her legs and I triggered and had to walk out. She use to shave her legs for me. I just imagined that this is what she would do prior to meeting up with the OM. That all the preparation in shaving, doing her hair and make up, things that use to be for me was done for someone else. 

Bandit, I can tell that you are a decent guy - but you are short changing yourself by acting like you are. I get it. I know the type of person you are, hell I do personality assessments quite a bit. But you are robbing yourself. Yea, we all understand that "she" did it. She did. At some point you need to let it go. You are stuck and you need a kick in the ass from an old Master Sergeant. Divorce her or work it out and have sex with her. The deed was done and you can't go back and erase it. It was not your fault. Your feelings were hurt. You may not feel like "the man". She did not do the deed because of you, she did it in spite of you. She disrespected you. You are no less of a man in my view and in many others here because of what your wife did. We do not see a weak, whimpy, cuckold guy. Frankly, you are a dude I would have been proud to have served with in combat.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Gee, all this talk about sex..
During and after affairs, seperations, divorces..
I married a woman that kept telling me that she wasnt the "initiating" type. So I initiated, and took a stiffarm to the face more often than I could stomach. She simply was never in the mood, and I could go into details to explain that I was in no way boring or unattentive or lacking in foreplay,, for some reason her days and attitude seemed to turn her ice cold.
I gave up after awhile. I would revisit the topic, after a few months to try to talk about it and work things out and understand, but all I got was how I needed to be understanding and patient, and its was unfair to be so expectatious.
I lived celibate for the last four years of my marriage. 
After awhile I quit talking about intimacy. I had gotten to a point of feeling rejected and it was going to take an active approach from her to show me I was desired. 
During all this, the superficial kisses and hugs were there, and we would even embrace, more than just a hug hello.
But I never got why the bedroom was so stale. I can imagine all kinds of questions regarding my performance and all I can do is assure you that I know what Im doing, and when we used to a long time ago, it was great and both of us were always satisfied.

Then we got married, and literally I watched the lightbulb go completely off for no reason offered, no discussion revealing any hope about it, stonewalling, *****iness, and ultimately calling me needy and whiny about it. 
All I can think is her psychological problems resurfaced after age 30.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> You are no less of a man in my view and in many others here because of what your wife did. We do not see a weak, whimpy, cuckold guy.


Indeed. It is the anger and bitterness, the toxic twins, inside you that are the ones mocking you. No matter what ultimately is the fate of your marriage, unless you make a conscious choice to exorcise those two, you will never be able to emotionally heal and truly move on with your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Was that my point?


 I didn't say it was your point. I was offering an alternative response.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Then we got married, and literally I watched the lightbulb go completely off for no reason offered, no discussion revealing any hope about it, stonewalling, *****iness, and ultimately calling me needy and whiny about it.


I feel the same about my ex.


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