# I am not interested in sex anymore



## sensitive susan (Nov 23, 2011)

For the last 4 months, my sex drive is non-existent. I do not know what happen, I am just not interested in having sex. My husband is so frustrated with me, because we had sex all the time until recently. I know some times when I am upset with my husband I don't want to be bothered. But other times, its like I don't have a desire to be intimate at all.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You probably don't feel interested in doing dishes either. But you do them!

If your husband is important to you, you will put an effort into meeting his needs. You may have to work at being intimate, but hopefully, once you get there, you will enjoy it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not sure how you feel about supplements, but amazon.com has a natural testosterone creme by natural radiance that really helped me kick start my sex drive. I only needed to use it a couple weeks and I needed sex everyday. I only used 1/2 of the daily recommendation it called for and it worked very well for me. After the two weeks, I built up enough of my own testosterone and I still don't mind having sex/making love everyday. My husband most definatly deserves love making as much as he needs to.

Plus my husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I find him extremely attractive and I can't keep my hands off of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sensitive susan (Nov 23, 2011)

So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?


I don't agree with that. I believe it's VERY important our husbands are meeting our needs in order for us to meet theirs. That previous statement sounds pretty selfish on the males part.

Edit to add--- My ex husband was abusive and unfaithful. He expected sex daily, even secretly taped me during the act. I was mortified upon finding the tape. I could not have sex after what he had done to me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?



How would you feel if your husband said that regardless of his needs, he should just suck it up and not show you any affection? Men connect emotionally to their wives through sex; it is his way of showing you that he loves you.

What do you resent about him? You need to try tell him what he can do to break down the wall that you have built up between you two.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The OP didn't say that her husband wasn't meeting her needs. Just that she didn't feel like having sex. 

If she said he wasn't meeting her needs, then I would have asked if that was maybe because she wasn't meeting his. Or if she has even told him that he isn't meeting her needs.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What is your age? Have you been to the doctor to have you hormone levels checked? It could be something medical. However built up resentment is usually a big sex killer. So if you feel its that then you both might want to seek some kind of counseling to get things back on track in the marriage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi susan ~

Let's start from the beginning. 

How old are you? How long married? Any kids? Ages of kids?

You said it started four months ago. Was there anything that happened during that time that you can pinpoint? New job, new stress, new medication?

Loss and lack of libido is a pretty common thing, especially in women. So, don't feel bad about it. Our libidos can be complicated and can have direct ties to so many things in our lives. That is just the way we are wired.

Here's a good list of things for you to consider that could be impacting your libido:

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Can you see anything from the attached article's list that you think could be a contributing factor for you?

Other than your libido issues, what is your general relationship like with your husband outside of the bedroom?

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not sure how you feel about supplements, but amazon.com has a natural testosterone creme by natural radiance that really helped me kick start my sex drive. I only needed to use it a couple weeks and I needed sex everyday. I only used 1/2 of the daily recommendation it called for and it worked very well for me. After the two weeks, I built up enough of my own testosterone and I still don't mind having sex/making love everyday. My husband most definatly deserves love making as much as he needs to.
> 
> Plus my husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I find him extremely attractive and I can't keep my hands off of him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks ordered be here monday:smthumbup:

Now if she'll use it is another story.....Guess its a $40 gamble. Willing to try anything at this point.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Thanks ordered be here monday:smthumbup:
> 
> Now if she'll use it is another story.....Guess its a $40 gamble. Willing to try anything at this point.


It took me about 1.5 weeks before my drive increased. That's using 1/2 of the recommended amount. It's worth every single penny!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sensitive susan said:


> So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?


You're the one posting here, so you'll be the one getting advice/suggestions. My thought... Withholding sex will soon build resentment and frustrations. This will sill over into other areas of your relationship. In the end, a separation/divorce are the "clean" results; an affair is the dirty one.

Ideally, the two of you will deal with your lack of drive together. He can stop doing things that empty your love bank. You'll communicate clearly and honestly with him on what your needs are. Even if things are painful and uncomfortable to talk about.

Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. And a marriage with no intimacy is, at best, two roommates that get along. I doubt that's what either of you signed up for.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Thanks ordered be here monday:smthumbup:
> 
> Now if she'll use it is another story.....Guess its a $40 gamble. Willing to try anything at this point.


Testosterone cream isn't really an 'approved' way of revving up a woman's libido and is often not recommended in women who are of childbearing age. Hormones are complicated things. 

If she does try it, make sure that she follows the directions, and if she has any medical conditions at all, especially hormonal ones, then don't try it.

Testosterone for women


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Testosterone cream isn't really an 'approved' way of revving up a woman's libido and is often not recommended in women who are of childbearing age. Hormones are complicated things.
> 
> If she does try it, make sure that she follows the directions, and if she has any medical conditions at all, especially hormonal ones, then don't try it.
> 
> Testosterone for women


You mean I cant just slather her with it?????????
Call it massage cream?



Just kidding...

My wife is way beyond child rearing...as for hormones she is overdue for a doctor check so I have no idea.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Testosterone cream isn't really an 'approved' way of revving up a woman's libido and is often not recommended in women who are of childbearing age. Hormones are complicated things.
> 
> If she does try it, make sure that she follows the directions, and if she has any medical conditions at all, especially hormonal ones, then don't try it.
> 
> Testosterone for women


There is barely any testosterone in the formula. They use homeopathic testosterone(natural not synthetic).

It works very well for me and the nice thing about the creme is you control how much is applied. This is not FDA approved, but many supplements are not. I use a super food "chia seeds" that are fully packed with omega and other vitamins that is not FDA approved either. All supplements I use are known by my doctor, including this creme.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi Susan welcome to TAM. It is a great place to work through relationship problems. Loss of libido for women is very common. As I am sure you know, it causes many problems in the relationship because your husband is essentially cut off just like you. 

I have no doubt that your husband is distressed and asking you what happened. Can you give more info? How long have you been married kids and ages. What is your relationship like with your husband now and before you lost your mojo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sensitive susan (Nov 23, 2011)

I am 34 years old, and I don't have any children. I have had alot of things that have happen to me that has chased alot of stress. I have heard about the hormone pills that will help with my sex drive but I am a little scared of trying it. Me and my husband have been fighting alot of sex and other minor issues so maybe that's why I am not interested. When I get frustrated with anything, I just don't want to be bothered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> You probably don't feel interested in doing dishes either. But you do them!


If her husband has any self respect whatsoever the idea of his wife having sex with being compared to such drudgery is completely unacceptable to him.
I'd rather masturbate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> If her husband has any self respect whatsoever the idea of his wife having sex with being compared to such drudgery is completely unacceptable to him.
> I'd rather masturbate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I do dishes, I am not all grumpy about it. I may not like it, but my attitude isn't one of going through 'drudgery'.

My point was she needs to change her attitude ....

Instead of, "I don't want him to touch me", she should be thinking, "I love him, I want him to be happy". 

My guess is if her attitude changes, so will her interest in sex. 

I can't understand how my wife can enjoy sex so much one night, but then turn it down for the next two weeks. My challenge is always to get her to change her attitude to give it a chance. When it happens we are always both happier. Makes no sense why it is such a challenge to get there.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?


If he is not abusive, not a cheater, and makes an attempt to meet your needs then why wouldn't you make an effort to meet his needs? 
If he is not meeting your needs then you need to explain where he is comming up short to him. You have made clear that he has explained his needs to you.
Please don't think I am trying to jump on you. If it where your husband posting about your problem I would tell him he needs to figure out if there is something he needs to change in himself.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No one 'owes' any other person thing one. I know what it says in my Ketubah vis a vis obligations and I know very well what the halachic prescriptions on marital duties are. However no one gets married like it's a dragging an oar in galley slave duty. Fealty is not and has never been the point and you can ask any clergy or therapist that you should want to want to. If not, then 'doing it' is just as dead as not doing it. 

You're the people who almost unanimously declared a wife should never fake pleasure in sex. How is this different? It's not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

sensitive susan said:


> I am 34 years old, and I don't have any children. I have had alot of things that have happen to me that has chased alot of stress. I have heard about the hormone pills that will help with my sex drive but I am a little scared of trying it. Me and my husband have been fighting alot of sex and other minor issues so maybe that's why I am not interested. When I get frustrated with anything, I just don't want to be bothered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find that I am distracted by stress or worries i have a hard time getting my mind to focus enough to enjoy sex. My husband and I worked out a warm up period where I slowly get warmed up with just affection at first. 

I find that in 15 mins I can focus when I make the effort. I feel desire and become aroused. One additional thing that is important and may help you to develop a strategy to connect sexually with your husband. 

The nature of sexual desire for a man who loves his wife. It is not simple pleasure driven although that is part of it, but it is that way men connect emotionally. 

In fact, when met with rejection, men can get depressed, feel that their wives no longer love them, and lose their self confidence. I don't think that many women understand this. 

Our knowledge of the male sex drive seems to be based on the teen aged - young adult phase when it is mostly about pleasure and release for many. 

We don't hear about the later phase where love and sex is connected. That does not seem to happen until a man becomes emotionally connected to a woman. 

Knowing and believing that this is the case, would that motivate you to work with your husband to give you the time you need to feel desire and arousal? It did make me try harder. 

I don't think of sex as often as my husband but I want to think of it. I need my husband to help me do that, I cannot seem to do it without his help. 

BTW, I was not always aware of what I wrote above. I read two books and I was very surprised to learn of the emotional devastation a man felt when the woman he loves does not want him sexually. I also asked my husband and read many of the post from men on TAM who are sex-starved. 

"For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" and "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shanti and Jeff Feldhan


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I was thinking the problem with decrease in female libido and about how to present my thoughts in a way that is not off-putting. So... 

I think talking about "meeting a man's needs" is the wrong way to present sex in a marriage. Knowing what I know of the way many woman think, that will not entice many. 

A woman might feel she is meeting his needs by being a good mother, cook, housekeeper, contributing to the family income, keeper of the calendar and all of the other things that she thinks about and keeps strait that her husband may not think of doing. 

When a man gives an accounting of what he does for the family as a reason he should have his needs met, I think that just creates more resistance. 

Making sex a man's needs kind of thing seems to elevate that aspect of marriage above all others. Moreover, throwing intimacy in with washing dishes seems shallow. 

It may seem to be no big deal to her to resist his attempts if she does not realize that what he really desperate for is to feel loved. How many men would say honey I need to feel loved so please have sex. 

Not manly enough, but putting in terms of actions is more palatable. If more women knew this was code for "tell me you love me" maybe less would be so careless. 

It is an important emotional connection for both men and women, along with the need for mutual respect, appreciation, communication, affection, financial, and emotional, and physical fidelity. 

Without sex though, the latter describes a relationship between two good friends.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Its quite simple. Being in a marriage, a 'union' brings certain responsibilities. You have to respect each other...be kind to one another, be sympathetic etc One of the 'responsibilities' is sex.
There are 'good' things and 'bad' things in a relationship...neither party can only accept the good bits.

If a male expects a roaring and loving sexual relationship with his partner then he has to accept the things he might not like so much...like helping with the ironing, wooing her (instead of just jumping her bones!) and generally being 50% of a TEAM.

If the male does all of this then the female has to do her part too... and as Catherine said above, the male language of love is sex! We don't need flowers, neck massages etc....if you love us, tell us in our language....bonk us!

Believe me, the lack of sex breeds resentment....its a vicious circle.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Hope the OP comes back to give an update.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> I am 34 years old, and I don't have any children. I have had alot of things that have happen to me that has chased alot of stress. I have heard about the hormone pills that will help with my sex drive but I am a little scared of trying it. Me and my husband have been fighting alot of sex and other minor issues so maybe that's why I am not interested. When I get frustrated with anything, I just don't want to be bothered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Susan:

It sounds like you have allowed resentments to build in your marriage, and resentment is a sure killer of love.

Can you talk to your husband during a calm time, and discuss what he has done or said to make you build a wall up against him?

You do not want to make love because you do not feel close to him, and he does not want to meet your needs because you will not have sex with him. Someone needs to stop the vicious circle, and you have to decide if that person will be you.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree::iagree:
Resentment + resentment = divorce.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why is it deemed outrageous to suggest a woman behave sexually when she doesn't "feel" like it but it's perfectly ok to force a man to behave like a monk for weeks or months on end even though he doesn't feel like it?


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> So, regardless of what my needs are and how I feel I should just suck it up and have sex because that is what my husband whats?


No ,that is what he NEEDS. He promised to be faithful to you by forsaking all others in his marriage vows. Do you want to push him so far away he looks to another?:scratchhead: Faithfulness is a two way street. To deny him sex is like him denying you conversation. Please read Dr. Laura's "Proper care and feeding of husbands" it will help.

Most importantly, talk to your doc or therapist to help you through this tough season in life, but do NOT shut your beloved out. You will live to regret it


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Why is it deemed outrageous to suggest a woman behave sexually when she doesn't "feel" like it but it's perfectly ok to force a man to behave like a monk for weeks or months on end even though he doesn't feel like it?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

the feminist movement gone very, very wrong


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree::iagree: - It is perfectly acceptable for women to have their needs etc met....but when we want our needs met we are labeled as sex mad, crazed man men with no feelings for others.
....and should we deny our partners of the things they need and want, we are selfish ba$tards.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sensitive susan said:


> I am 34 years old, and I don't have any children. I have had alot of things that have happen to me that has chased alot of stress. I have heard about the hormone pills that will help with my sex drive but I am a little scared of trying it. *Me and my husband have been fighting alot of sex and other minor issues *so maybe that's why I am not interested. When I get frustrated with anything, I just don't want to be bothered.


There it is.

Elaborate. what are you guys fighting about. And what are the other "minor issues." As a woman, if I am fighting with my partner, I am not sexually aroused or wanting to knock boots. 

PBear was right when he touched on resentment. When people build resentment, they lose a sexual connection/desire for their partner.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When I've been arguing with my wife, I don't feel like going to work, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, visiting her parents, taking her to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Not being a slave to my emotions, I manage to function like the husband I promised to be, even when I'm mad, sad, sick, hurt, upset, depressed, happy, etc. 
90% of a husband's day consists of behaving contrary to his emotions.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I was thinking the problem with decrease in female libido and about how to present my thoughts in a way that is not off-putting. So...
> 
> I think talking about "meeting a man's needs" is the wrong way to present sex in a marriage. Knowing what I know of the way many woman think, that will not entice many.
> 
> ...


I am curious (and hopefully this exchange helps both the OP and others) as to why characterizing sex as a “need” would be off putting to a woman. 

Flipping it around, a man could feel he is meeting his wife’s needs by being a good father, providing a paycheck, repairing the house and car, mowing the lawn and other things he provides that his wife may not focus on. Yet I suspect that if after doing all that, a man sat on the couch and ignored his wife, refusing to talk to her or limiting the emotional support he provided to her, most every woman would agree that he is not meeting her needs (or at least those needs that are necessary for a marriage) and would have no issues characterizing it as such. 

Personally, I would understand that, and would not equate those emotional and connective needs to changing the front head light of her car or removing a shrub from the front of the house (though admittedly, perhaps some men might). My wife has certain needs that, while perhaps not as important to me, are real and something I need to meet. So why would a man’s need for sex from his wife not be given the same respect? Why is calling it a need a problem for (some) women?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The difference between a commitment and an emotional spasm is that no accountability or sacrifice is associated with a spasm. Like a leaf in a stream, the spasmodic goes wherever the spasm takes them. Such passive involvement requires no work, no effort, no guilt, and entails no responsibility. It's also makes the spouse utterly useless and unreliable.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At some point it became an acceptable act for wives to use sex as a negotiable contribution to the marriage. Something that they can ration and only give up it their price and demands are met.

It created the converse dynamic that men should not expect or demand it as a fundamental part of marriage,

This I think has really hurt relationships. It builds it up to be a commodity to be negotiated, sonething to fight over.

Sex is a core element of the marriage contract. You should engage in it everytime you SO wants it, and they shoud everytime you want it. 

Now skill and technique shoud not be ignored. Like cooking, the cook should always be seeking ways to improve their cooking and make their eaters happier!


My 2 cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It created the converse dynamic that men should not expect or demand it as a fundamental part of marriage,
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The problem with this model is that as an expectation or a demand, it's totally unenforceable. You can just see it:
Man: "I DEMAND sex!!!"
Woman "P*ss off."
M: "No, I said I DEMAND sex!!!"
W: "And I said p*ss off."
M: "But as a man, I DEMAND that I have sex!!!"
W: "Which bit of 'p*ss off' don't you understand?"
M: "But I'm a man, I can DEMAND sex!!!"
W:"You can DEMAND as long as you like, the answer's still p*ss off"
M: "Err..."


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> The problem with this model is that as an expectation or a demand, it's totally unenforceable. You can just see it:
> Man: "I DEMAND sex!!!"
> Woman "P*ss off."
> M: "No, I said I DEMAND sex!!!"
> ...


well then see ya later fridget women should/could be his responce.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Hmm i also not that much interested in having sex with my husband and he gets really frustrated and thinks i have someone else. Truth is i started shutting my self since last year around july because he became really insecure of himself. I have no friends to talk to, while he does. He works and i don't and this semester i missed it so next semester i'm going back to college and i am already getting anxious because i know how he is going to get if i don't text or call when i'm switching classes.
I had a panic attack last year and it was because i was in a lot of fear of talking to other people or if people would ask me for my cell phone, since we had to do projects in group, so i didn't do so good on that class...it has been a year trying to be with him, but i think i have been emotionally detached, he has noticed of course but he thinks that i'm cheating when nothing is going on...i think is just all of the stress i have with my daughter's school, home, finances.
And to top it off if i go visit my parents he gets pissed...i don't know what to do anymore?


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> At some point it became an acceptable act for wives to use sex as a negotiable contribution to the marriage. Something that they can ration and only give up it their price and demands are met.
> 
> It created the converse dynamic that men should not expect or demand it as a fundamental part of marriage,
> 
> ...


That's right Shaggy. Men in that are in a sexless marriage must work to change that. The marriage vow has made outside sex impossible. If you can't get sex inside the marriage or outside them marriage you have problem. The females need to understand that sex is important. She can't put the man off forever.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Some people need the high stimulation of sex you get when a relationship is new to be both fully functional sexually and to enjoy a satisfying sex life. As the bloom comes off the rose after the wedding the level of desire goes down for everyone. This is biologically programmed into all mammals. Most can continue to have a healthy amount of sexual desire for the partner at these lower levels of sexual excitement. But some cannot. Often this less than optimal level of desire is subconscious which makes the sexual dysfunctions and/or lack of libido the person suffers from very confusing. The feel they love the person and can not understand why they are no longer sexually attracted like they were before the relationship began to settle down from the high felt when is was new.

Sadly there is not a lot that can be done for people that suffer from this need for high sexual (psychological) stimulation (therapy is rarely effective) and what often happens in these marriages is that the spouse with the higher need for sexual excitement will stray into affairs or in the case of men, get involved with prostitutes or become heavy porn users and masturbators. Very often these marriages become sexless or fraught with sexual desire dysfunctions like difficulty getting and maintaining erection or difficulty ejaculating during partner sex for men and the inability to lubricate or achieve orgasm in women.

These people should probably never marry in order to be sexually happy. Moving from partner to partner when a sexual relationship starts to get "old" keeps their sexual desire at a level where they can enjoy sex without any difficulties.

If these people want to remain married this often means accepting a sexless marriage and instead concentrating on home, job and family with a little intense fantasy and masturbation on the side.


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