# After 24 years.. She cheats on FB!?



## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Here is the deal, I married the woman of my dreams when I was 18. She and I have two children, one is 17 and the other is 23. We have had our ups and downs and by no means am I an angel. 

We moved to Chicago about 10 years ago from my hometown in Florida. I took a job and promised my wife that I would be the best husband and father that I could be. See, I used to be a bad guy with computers and never had a sense of real responsibility until I moved to the North.

She is from here and she moved to my hometown in Florida when she was 16. As I said we moved here about 10 years ago and like anyone else, I ride the metra train , I work a full time job and do what I have to do to live a normal and productive life. 

Last December, I found out by sheer accident that she had been rekindling old times with an old boyfriend and I read all of their messages to and from each other. She had told him that he was the love of her life and she had always been looking for him. 

From what I know, she went to meet him at the local coffee shop and it was around that time I had found out about their little relationship. I did what I thought was best and interceded and told them both on Facebook that I am giving them 48 hours to end the relationship. They did. She closed her facebook account and deleted her email. 

She promised me that she just wanted to feel pretty and wanted and blah blah , but the thing that gets me is that how can I know she is still being honest? how can I know that she is keeping her word? that they actually ended it?

I mean, they were on facebook talking all kinds of stuff like I cant wait to hold you and this that and the other, but I could never find any proof that there was any sleeping together. 

She is a SAHM and I work very long hours providing for her and the kids, but I am not entirely sure they ended it. I mean, it seemed to easy how she just ended it and supposedly cut off communications with this guy. 

When I found out, I had promised here she had earned a divorce but this is the woman that I have ever loved. As a matter of fact, I am 42 and it's the only woman that I have ever had sex with. 

So, do I just wonder? do I watch what she does or do I just hope for the best and take her word that everything will be ok?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It seems odd that she can just go "cold turkey" with this guy that quick. Maybe she has but IMO, I would install a keylogger on the computer and make sure you get all her passwords so you can check. 

Maybe put a few VAR's around, in her car and the house and most of all, let her know in a very serious manner that she already has one foot out the door and if she does anything else that you seem "underhanded" the rest of her will be out the door along with her one foot.

I would also let the OM' wife and family know about their affair along with hers. It's too easy to point the finger at you and make you the heel. 

Also, I would set up a polygraph test for her and not tell her when.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It would seem that you are on a path to rugsweep this A, so I'm glad you came to this forum.

Your wife has cheated on you. You can't be sure it wasn't physical. You can't be sure it has stopped. 

With her being a SAHM, you'll never be able to completely eliminate her taking this underground; but you can reduce that possibility. You have to give her consequences for what she's done, she has to accept them, and she damn sure better be demonstrating remorse.

Here's what you need to do;

- Expose her to her family, your family, and most importantly the OM's wife or significant other. Don't tell her your going to do it, just do it.

- She writes the OM a no contact letter that you approve of and mail yourself. No sentiments, she regrets what she's done to you and her family.

- She agrees to demonstrate total transparency. No hidden passwords, no deleting texts, agrees to regular inspection of her computer and cell. No more FB, at least not for a while.

- No GNO's, no communication with friends of the opposite sex, and to the extent possible - she accounts for her time away from you.

- You insist that she gets tested for STD's because you have no reason to believe that this wasn't a PA.

- Without her knowing, put a hidden VAR in her car and one at home where she most often uses the phone. Put a keylogger on her computer. If possible, put spyware on her cell. If you don't, at least compare her text and phone calls on her phone to cell phone records every month for the immediate future.

- Ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph test to prove this wasn't a PA. If she refuses, tell her you'll have to assume that is was. If she agrees; that's a good sign. Polygraph's may not be terribly reliable, but the threat of one could possibly force a confession from her. You don't have to go through with it, but at least ask her if she would be willing. Do your research and make your own decision about that. If it were me, I would insist that she take one if she didn't confess.

- Tell her that the chances of you sticking around, will depend on her willingness to accept these consequences and demonstrate consistent remorse for what she's done to you.

That's the blueprint.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Has she shown *true remorse *from the (hopefully) EA, or is she just showing embarrassment for getting found out? Aside from just deleting her FB account and her e-mail account, what has she been doing to show that YOU are the love of her life and she's sorry she strayed? :scratchhead: (That damn Facebook has been the cause of so much infidelity and ruined marriages!!!) Is it just words, or is she really trying to show how much she loves you and how much you mean to her? "*Trust, but verify*." Use the VAR's and keylogger that was recommended to you. You will never be sure of her loyalty now until you have further proof.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Be sure she's done with this crap. Keylogger on the PC, spyware on the phone, VAR, the snooping work.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Is he local? Where does he live?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's not over until you verify. 

Keylogger, VAR and GPS her car.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Your kids are old, why is she still a SAHM? Sounds like she needs a job to occupy all that free time. I also agree with the others, you need to check up on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Your kids are old, why is she still a SAHM? Sounds like she needs a job to occupy all that free time. I also agree with the others, you need to check up on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Boredom. Seems to be a theme here lately.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Is writing this post the only thing you've done, other than what you told us? No marriage counseling? Read any relationship or infidelity books/programs?

If not get these two books today and get yourself up to speed, on what happens and what needs to be done to move forward. Most of what's in these books is advised. 

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
"His Needs, Her Needs" by W Harley


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Since you two have been married so long, and married so young, her new boyfriend is exciting stuff for her. She's being bombarded with the feel-good chemicals (dopamine, etc.) and it's so addicting, that you'd be foolish and naive not to secretly monitor what she's doing.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Apparently this is my repeating post for the day. I would suggest you have her read this too...after you read it of course. It helped me.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling could help. And be watchful. Weightlifter will have some advice.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

MCKD said:


> Here is the deal, I married the woman of my dreams when I was 18. She and I have two children, one is 17 and the other is 23. We have had our ups and downs and by no means am I an angel.
> 
> We moved to Chicago about 10 years ago from my hometown in Florida. I took a job and promised my wife that I would be the best husband and father that I could be. See, I used to be a bad guy with computers and never had a sense of real responsibility until I moved to the North.
> 
> ...


Taking her word for it makes a long term affair longer...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Perhaps her affair ran its course or perhaps she has gotten better at hiding it from you. Seems like it would be easy to hide as she is a sham with grown children and you work long hours. 

This is an example of rug sweeping coming back to bite you. That is not an insult just an observation. 

I would quietly gather intel using vars and a keylogger. If there is still contact you will know soon. 

I do not know enough about fb to know if the old messages can be retrieved somehow or even if that would be helpful. 

After a period of verifying you will need to address this appropriately. I suggest a good counselor if you want to remain married to her. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@thummper - I think she has shown that she is sorry , but honestly I cannot tell. 

@staysstrong - He lives 15 minutes away towards the city. He drives past our exit everyday on his way to some training thing.

@bandit45 - That is what I was thinking

@distraughtfromtexas - Becuase I think taking care of her is what I am supposed to do

@Ancorwatch - I have her looking up counselours to attend in our area

Thank you to everyone for posting. I sure hate the whole james bond thing but I was thinking of GPSing the car for sure, what is a VAR?(voice activated recorder??) I swear I hate facebook for sure. It's teh cause of so many divorces this day and age.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

workindad said:


> I do not know enough about fb to know if the old messages can be retrieved somehow or even if that would be helpful.


Used to be on FB...if you "delete" your account, you can still login with your same id/password and reactivate....virtually forever...unless you go through the extra steps. And even then, I think there is a "cooling off period" where you can still get all the stuff back. All messages that weren't deleted are still there. Though it sounded like you read a lot of their exchange.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @thummper - I think she has shown that she is sorry , but honestly I cannot tell.


Not good. You really need to go James Bond on this one.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Since you two have been married so long, and married so young, her new boyfriend is exciting stuff for her. She's being bombarded with the feel-good chemicals (dopamine, etc.) and it's so addicting, that you'd be foolish and naive not to secretly monitor what she's doing.


The only thing you can do to give her clarity is to pull the rug from under her feet.

It means you stop supporting her. Don't talk to her. Let her go through it on her own. Part of the pleasure of her affair is she knows she can't lose because she has you to fall back on.

Remove that option.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

thebadguy said:


> Used to be on FB...if you "delete" your account, you can still login with your same id/password and reactivate....virtually forever...unless you go through the extra steps. And even then, I think there is a "cooling off period" where you can still get all the stuff back. All messages that weren't deleted are still there. Though it sounded like you read a lot of their exchange.


I did read their exchanges, and I downloaded her entire facebook account including pictures, messages , etc and have them stored on my server in case I need to visit an attorney


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@ Cubby I sort of agree...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MCKD said:


> I did read their exchanges, and I downloaded her entire facebook account including pictures, messages , etc and have them stored on my server in case I need to visit an attorney


I wouldnt' take anything she says as seriously while this $hit is going on. Take yourself seriously and protect your life. 

It's alot of good advice here, built on many of years of experience with these exact situations.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

If he drives past your exit every day and if she has just gone underground, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is coming to your house. She isn't going to tell you that. You are going to have to discover it.

I think someone else suggested...if he is married, let his wife know.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@thebadguy she permanently deleted the account, and her gmail account that was associated with it. He isnt married from what I know, he is just some loser that .. gives blood for gas money?! seriously, the guy is 44 and drives a pos car and is broke as a joke. I have a security system with cams at the house, I doubt he or they are that dumb


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @thebadguy she permanently deleted the account, and her gmail account that was associated with it. He isnt married from what I know, he is just some loser that .. gives blood for gas money?! seriously, the guy is 44 and drives a pos car and is broke as a joke. I have a security system with cams at the house, I doubt he or they are that dumb


Maybe it sounds childish...but if he is not married, tell his mom. He needs someone in his life to ask him what on earth he is thinking.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

The thing that makes this extra difficult is I taught her all of the hacker tricks I know from when I was a BH hacker. That is what makes this extra tough for me. She knows what move I will make. As I posted in the beginning of the thread, It was dumb luck that I found out. I had picked up her tablet to check a video on my brother FB page and there it was all out there for me to see.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

workindad said:


> I do not know enough about fb to know if the old messages can be retrieved somehow or even if that would be helpful.


I don't claim to be a FB expert, but that's how I nailed down the evidence on my WW, after initially only finding a few texts that she hadn't deleted yet.

The default setting for FB when you send a message, is for that same message to be sent to the receiver by e-mail. That means that all the messages from the POSOM likely went to whatever e-mail account your wife used/is using.

I'm sure she deleted those messages, just like my wife did. But you can recover them *IF*, those messages go through Outlook, Outlook express, Windows Mail, or any other windows based e-mail program. The deleted messages are stored on the hard drive. This most often is the case with Cable Internet based e-mail accounts; Brighthouse, Roadrunner, Charter, etc.

That was the case with our e-mail and I used RecoverMyEmail to get to them. You can also attempt to re-open her e-mail account on a different computer (you'll need her password) and with any luck, you may get a lot of her deleted e-mails if they haven't been deleted from the server.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory, she used Gmail and the account is unrecoverable. I have all the evidence I need and to be honest with you I got spicily sick when I had to read the messages the first two times. I don't think if I even find anything on her that I would be able to stomach anymore of their little affair. It was to much for me when I found out. I mean I had to take the whole month of December off as I was unable to function.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yeah, it seems like every time I give this information, the CS always uses G-mail or yahoo. Fortunately, my wife wasn't that smart.

Look, you say you have all the evidence you need, but you still can't confirm this was a PA? If so, then looks monitoring her or a poly may be your only options to find out.

Would a PA be a deal breaker for you? If so, you have got to find out the truth to know what to do next. Even if not, you need to know what you're trying to forgive should you R.

Set up the monitoring and give it a few weeks. It's that important.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Thank you Badmemory, I will do just that and hope that she is being honest and faithful. I do not want my marriage to widdle away and I darn sure would hate to go through all of that again. But sadly I am prepared for it now. Thank you to everyone who replied and I will post back in a few weeks/months and give an update.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MCKD, what is she doing to make up for her straying? Is she actively trying to attone, or did she basically just say, "Sorry," and then proceded to lay low hoping it would all blow over. I know it's not up to you to help her, but are you perhaps arranging for some special time with her to make her aware again of how much you love her. Perhaps she was feeling ignored by you and wanted some attention. True, the manner in which she got attention was the worst possible (well, with the exception of it turning physical), but maybe all she needs is to be reassured of your love for her. Since I don't really know your situation, I'm only guessing. It could very well be that you've showered her with affection and attention, and she only wanted some variety in her life. Well, does she know that divorce can definitely lead to "variety," but without you there to provide it for her? :scratchhead: Good luck in your future with her. I truly hope it works out for you two.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I agree with a lot of the posts. What concerns me is that this would have continued if she hadn't been caught! After so many years of being married how can you ever trust her again? You can track her all you want but, it doesn't bring the trust back. You will always be wondering what she is doing. I agree with comment about FB causing so many problems. Are you sure she didn't just cancel that FB account and open a different one? I truly hope this works for you. I have been married for 14 years and would be devastated if my spouse cheated. I don't think I could survive the marriage after that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

capri7204 said:


> You can track her all you want but, it doesn't bring the trust back.


I don't necessarily disagree with that as whole, but when a BS monitors the WS for weeks or months, and the WS passes every test; it can incrementally, restore *some* trust. And it's certainly better than the alternative of not knowing.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@Capri, you hit it sqaure on the head! I wonder to if she would have taken it to the next level and will always have that in the back of my mind. It sucks so bad, that I spend my days in the office wondering what she is doing at home. I will be watching her and she knows I am watching every move she makes so she is for the most part that is.

@Thummper, your right as well. Love making became a chore and I hardly would get any romantic with her and that is what I think she was missing. I have rekindled the romance part and showed her very well that I can still turn the fire on and will. As I stated, I was no angel, and I think that if I would have showered her the way I used to she would have never looked in that direction to begin with. Though this guy was an old boyfriend that supposedly "got away" and he was in the picture with her before she moved to florida. 

It was one of my worst fears that we would move back here and some old BF would sweep her off her feet and that seemed to have happened. But she seems to be very sincere and text's me when she is out and when she comes home now. She calls me now and even writes little love notes in my lunch. For me, the doubt is still there but it is also with me and that is for my posting here. 

I hope this is all behind me and I hate like heck having to watch her with gps and var and such but if that is what will give me peace of mind then so be it. Thank you so much for everyone posting and contributing. It really means much to me that people actually care for another this day in age.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This doubt will be with you for quite some time. Here's what helped me get through this stage (which took over 2 years).

Check her stuff, etc, until it becomes a mundane task and boring. Hit up some individual counseling. While doing that, slowly reduce the frequency of checking up on her. Eventually it fades.

Of course, you have to not find anything to be worried about too. That's why it takes two to reconcile.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

MCKD said:


> badmemory, she used Gmail and the account is unrecoverable. I have all the evidence I need and to be honest with you I got spicily sick when I had to read the messages the first two times. I don't think if I even find anything on her that I would be able to stomach anymore of their little affair. It was to much for me when I found out. I mean I had to take the whole month of December off as I was unable to function.


Did she just delete the GMail account, as in just recently? Gmail accounts are absolutely recoverable once deleted, but only if done within a specific amount of time. Check this out:
https://support.google.com/mail/answer/32046?hl=en


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

MCKD there is a confrontational way to know if she did something physical with him or if she is still in contact with him.

the more easy way to find the truth is with a polygraph test, most of the times the truth is revealed before the test, cheaters almost always crack and confess while going where the test is going to be executed.

before actually arranging the test, you can throw a bluff and tell her you already have appointed a polygraph test, ask her if she had something to confess because once the test have been taken you will not give second chances.

If she confess something like:

- Well we just kissed.
- Well we just fooled around.
- Well we just had oral.
- Well it was just once.

then tell her, "okey I will still keep on the appointment but now I will ask if it was really just: a kiss, one oral, one time"

and keep doing it until she confess the whole truth.

remember cheaters will normally confess first the less damaging of their actions, and in much less quantity than the real amount.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MCKD;[email protected]
she seems to be very sincere and text's me when she is out and when she comes home now. She calls me now and even writes little love notes in my lunch.For me the doubt is still there but it is also with me and that is for my posting here.
I hope this is all behind me and I hate like heck having to watch her with gps and var and such but if that is what will give me peace of mind then so be it. Thank you so much for everyone posting and contributing. It really means much to me that people actually care for another this day in age.[/QUOTE said:


> MCKD it's obvious to me that she's really trying to reassure you. Just keep loving her and showering her with affection and attention. Do little things for her that show her how much you really do care. Fulfill her needs and you'll never have to worry about incidents like this in your future. She definitely won't want or need attention from anyone else. Make sure that she's smitten with you all over again. :smthumbup:


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do hope you expose this to her family and to yours.

Have you thought about having her sign an agreement of what will happen in your divorce if she cheats again?

And I agree, it is time for her to get a job. I hope she will learn better boundaries at her new work.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Kids are old, and you are still young. D I V O R C E


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MCKD said:


> From what I know, she went to meet him at the local coffee shop and it was around that time I had found out about their little relationship. I did what I thought was best and interceded and told them both on Facebook that I am giving them 48 hours to end the relationship. They did. She closed her facebook account and deleted her email.
> 
> I mean, they were on facebook talking all kinds of stuff like I cant wait to hold you and this that and the other, but I could never find any proof that there was any sleeping together.


Have you considered printing out all these chats and other facts and evidence you have and sharing it with her parents, her siblings and this POSOM's wife/GF? It gets powerful results when you do that.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@john1068 Yes, she delete dthe account soon after she deleted her FB account. I checked three times to see if the account was unrecovarable and it is/was.

@manticore jeesh, that is heavy duty to put her through, I am not sure if I would want to know if there was any physical contact. I mean, I feel like I hopefully am resolving the situation and want to make sure they both have ended it and want to make sure it is indeed over. Though never the less great advice  

@thummper I am trying .. God I am trying.. 

@harrybrown She exposed herself when she told her mother and father soon afterwards. As for me, I have no family except for my kids. 

@martyc47 I told her one slip up and that is what will happen. I even told her this morning on the way to the train station. 

@The Middleman, Yes. I even considered posting all of their chats on both of their timelines on facebook. Though that is very cruel and the bottom line if I would have found out they had sex or anything like that. Then yes I would have even probably rented a billboard and posted the text on it. But, as for what I uncovered it was just starting and I am glad that I found out as things were just getting ramped up.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Funny thing though I forgot to mention was last night I borrowed her Ipad and all the internet history was deleted so I told her straight up that if things are to improve, she must not delete any history and provide access to anything I request. 

She, said that my son must have deleted the history when he was using her ipad, I told her that I don't want anyone using her Ipad.

I also , swiped her kindle tablet and it's here with me at the office charging up so I can go through it today. I also have a surprise for her for tomorrow as she has to drive my son to niles for a dr appt and I will trade her my phone with GPS for her phone so she can use my phones gps feature to navigate to the dr. 

I am curious to see who calls or texts her phone tomorrow, but as I said, I will trade her at the last minute tomorrow before I get on the train ..


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't care how good a hacker you are, there is no way to detect usage of the devices for the affair if she wants to hide it. There are too many apps that don't leave a trace, they can be deleted and reinstalled, she could have devices you don't know about, she could be using your kids' devices, there are just about a thousand ways to cheat and not get caught. Most I've heard of get caught because they are lazy and leave a trace somewhere, not because they didn't know how to get rid of the evidence.

You are absolutely correct that there is just about zero chance that she and he stopped all contact the minute you found out.

At this point, if you want to catch her, STOP BRINGING IT UP. Let her think you are the most trusting husband in the world for the next few weeks.

Her response about son must have deleted the history could absolutely be true, but the WAY she responded I sense that she was a little too dismissive of how YOU were feeling about it, a little too flip. From the little you posted, she doesn't seem all that sorry, I could be wrong, you haven't posted that much.

Nevertheless, if you want to catch her, IF she still is up to something, she will expect Mr. Black Hat Hacker Husband to be all over the devices. She will buy a secret device, with a new email account, maybe a new facebook, who knows? She will be busy not leaving a trace on devices or using new secret devices, but she will not expect the voice-activated recorders (VARs). 

The VARs have exposed many affairs on this forum. They are proven to work by experience. You put one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when no one is around, you put another one in her car.

See Weightlifter's advice on what VAR to buy and how to deploy. You will have to monitor for a few weeks, after three weeks, you should know what's going on, if anything. Either you get the terrible truth, or you get peace of mind.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the vars from bestbuy or walmart. Get the sony models that cost in the 50-60 dollar range they have been tested time and time again here. In the car, get heavy duty Velcro and stick it up under the drivers seat. be sure and test it out before hand to see how it works. I saw cameras at bestbuy the other day, 60-70 dollars and up that you can use to look at with a smart phone from anywhere.

It is really unusual for someone like your wife absolutely quitting an ea, possible pa, cold turkey like that. Less that five percent do that I would guess. There is almost always further contact. Put at least one var in the house somewhere where she is likely to call him.

Have you checked cell phone records? Look for lots of texts to one number, calls etc. you have to check numbers to see if the numbers match the names. Most put a mans number under a woman's name and vice versa.

The vars should also let you know if she has a burner, untraceable, pay as you go phone.

Looks like he would have plenty of opportunity to stop by your house, good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask your son if he deleted her history cant imagine he would delete her whole history. This is a huge ass redflag. Check to see what you can recover from iTunes concerning her ipad back ups and iphone backups


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Ok, Ill stop bringing it up and chill back now. Thank you so very much for the great advise. Seriously. Thank you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

She knows a hacker.

Okay. But has she met...
ME?

See if there are a few things in my standard post that will surprise her.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

BTW I think John1068 is quickly becoming our Apple guy. Some brilliant stuff on Apple John.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> I don't care how good a hacker you are, there is no way to detect usage of the devices for the affair if she wants to hide it. There are too many apps that don't leave a trace, they can be deleted and reinstalled, she could have devices you don't know about, she could be using your kids' devices, there are just about a thousand ways to cheat and not get caught. Most I've heard of get caught because they are lazy and leave a trace somewhere, not because they didn't know how to get rid of the evidence.
> 
> You are absolutely correct that there is just about zero chance that she and he stopped all contact the minute you found out.
> 
> ...


LOL it usually only takes a day or two with a var. And the thing is you will get information from her convos with other people, i.e. friends and family.

The best sign so far is that she told her parents. How do you know she did that and how did it go? Has she been a snot slinging, sorry mess at all?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MCKD said:


> Ok, Ill stop bringing it up and chill back now. Thank you so very much for the great advise. Seriously. Thank you.


Well, don't just stop suddenly, that will make her really suspicious unless you can play the relieved, happy husband worthy of an academy award.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> LOL it usually only takes a day or two with a var. And the thing is you will get information from her convos with other people, i.e. friends and family.
> 
> The best sign so far is that she told her parents. How do you know she did that and how did it go? Has she been a snot slinging, sorry mess at all?


I never thought about that with the VAR.

These conversations are happening, possibly tid bits of it even daily. It's not like it's spread out across several months where it's quiet in between. When they are actively cheating or actively searching, it will be being talked about.

So the one poster said in 2 or 3 days you'd have the info. In 2 to 3 weeks you would certainly have conclusive info and patterns,etc.

VAR is huge in this game now that I think about it.

What about is there some PI that will track them on twitter and facebook, perhaps by being some fictional guy, or sending a representation of a guy for a date with her and catching her in the act?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I never thought about that with the VAR.
> 
> These conversations are happening, possibly tid bits of it even daily. It's not like it's spread out across several months where it's quiet in between. When they are actively cheating or actively searching, it will be being talked about.
> 
> ...


Usually it does just take one or two days.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

You guys are truly AMAZING!!

I feel like I have an army of people in my corner and honestly this brings tears to me knowing that people out there actually care.

@weightlifter, wow. Just wow. Ok I get it. 

@Chaparral, trust me. All real hackers know how to social engineer someone. I can put on an academy performance for sure  

@Will_Kane, Ill head over to walmart and grab a VAR soon as I can. I probably will have to go Saturday so I know I can go alone. She picks me up from the train every night.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

thebadguy said:


> Used to be on FB...if you "delete" your account, you can still login with your same id/password and reactivate....virtually forever...unless you go through the extra steps. And even then, I think there is a "cooling off period" where you can still get all the stuff back. All messages that weren't deleted are still there. Though it sounded like you read a lot of their exchange.


Yes, you can reactivate the account. Be sure to go to the message icon, one of the options is 'more' - arrow down to 'archived' and there you might find a stash of 'saved' love letters. Women are more likely to save mementos of their affair. Good Luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

A var in her car and one to two in the house should do it.
I really hope you get nothing.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Me to Tom, me to.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

26 cheating wives and one cheating husband hate me. They just dont know it.

On the VARs SONY SONY SONY. No I dont work for them. We have had tragic time lost with lesser VARs.

Get two. One for the car. One for the house wherever she talks. Two in the house is better.

BTW I mean it about my warning about if you hear her get busy with a dude. STOP LISTENING!!! It will destroy your mind in ways you can not begin to fathom.

Oh and Walmart has been short of Sony's lately. Go to Best buy if they dont have it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @The Middleman, Yes. I even considered posting all of their chats on both of their timelines on facebook. Though that is very cruel and the bottom line if I would have found out they had sex or anything like that. Then yes I would have even probably rented a billboard and posted the text on it. But, as for what I uncovered it was just starting and I am glad that I found out as things were just getting ramped up.


I understand ... I kinda went through that myself.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> Usually it does just take one or two days.


:iagree:

The reason VARs in the car are so successful is that the vehicle provides the most privacy to talk to their lover. They don't have to text. They don't have to worry about someone walking in on them. They don't have to worry about someone (family member, coworker, etc) overhearing them. They can say what they want to say without fear of being caught.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you say last December, you mean 12/2013 correct?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Usually it does just take one or two days.


How hard is it to search the information? Is there any tools which can make it easier?


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

yes, dec 4 2013


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> How hard is it to search the information? Is there any tools which can make it easier?


Upload it to a computer. Using the var for playback BLOWS.

The files are MP3's. Windows player is good enough for easy recordings. Sometimes they need clean up of things like engine noise. See my main post for that.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

thummper said:


> MCKD, what is she doing to make up for her straying? Is she actively trying to attone, or did she basically just say, "Sorry," and then proceded to lay low hoping it would all blow over. I know it's not up to you to help her, but are you perhaps arranging for some special time with her to make her aware again of how much you love her. Perhaps she was feeling ignored by you and wanted some attention. True, the manner in which she got attention was the worst possible (well, with the exception of it turning physical), but *maybe all she needs is to be reassured of your love for her.* Since I don't really know your situation, I'm only guessing. It could very well be that you've showered her with affection and attention, and she only wanted some variety in her life. Well, does she know that divorce can definitely lead to "variety," but without you there to provide it for her? :scratchhead: Good luck in your future with her. I truly hope it works out for you two.





thummper said:


> MCKD it's obvious to me that she's really trying to reassure you. *Just keep loving her and showering her with affection and attention. *Do little things for her that show her how much you really do care. * Fulfill her needs and you'll never have to worry about incidents like this in your future.* She definitely won't want or need attention from anyone else. Make sure that she's smitten with you all over again. :smthumbup:


Dear MCKD,

While I'm sure it's very well meaning, thummper's advice is somewhat naive. Showering a woman with attention is not the best way to keep her interested in you, nor will it guarantee her faithfulness. In fact, it's more likely to have the opposite effect.

Please read _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay to get a better understanding of how to win and keep a woman's love and respect.

Best of luck to you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Upload it to a computer. Using the var for playback BLOWS.
> 
> The files are MP3's. Windows player is good enough for easy recordings. Sometimes they need clean up of things like engine noise. See my main post for that.


Could I search for key words on the audio data? I would be searching words based around sex or sneaking around or affections.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MCKD, you're getting some really good advice, man. VAR, GPS, etc is the way to go. My personal view is to hold off on the exposure for a while and see what your intel sweep yields.

You're only 42, so if this blows up, you can be pulling very nice 30 year olds, if you are in great shape. I'm talking six pack. Every done that before? 

If you find out it's adultery, is that a deal breaker for you?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

MCKD,

I caught my serial cheater ex with:

VAR
GPS tracker
Nanny cam

The VAR is your best bet to start. Odds are she phone-chats with him after she drops you off for work. The hardest part will be finding the "alone" time to listen to it. You'll figure it out though. As has been said, upload and save it to a computer first.

GPS tracker on her car will let you know if she's visiting him during the day. You don't need a real-time tracker. Mine was battery operated, and I uploaded the info to my computer every day or two. Got it from Brickhouse.

Nanny cam. In case he's coming to your house while you and the kids are away. *Be prepared if you want to go to this extreme!*

Right now, be Cool Hand Luke. Good luck!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> MCKD, you're getting some really good advice, man. VAR, GPS, etc is the way to go. My personal view is to hold off on the exposure for a while and see what your intel sweep yields.
> 
> You're only 42, so if this blows up, you can be pulling very nice 30 year olds, if you are in great shape. I'm talking six pack. Every done that before?
> 
> If you find out it's adultery, is that a deal breaker for you?


When should adultery NOT be a deal breaker?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

treyvion said:


> When should adultery NOT be a deal breaker?


Every guy has to make that decision on his own. Kids at home is a big factor. Remorse is a big factor. Her willingness to accept new sister wives into the harem would be a big factor.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@Machiavelli, I agree the advise is nothing short of amazing. I just turned 42 and yes I am considered very handsome and I am in great great shape.If I find out anything like anything after she promised to halt the whole facebook affair, then yes. I am gone and heading back home to Florida. Alone.

@ThreeStrikes, I agree with the VAR, I do have cams at home so I am not sure she will have anyone over at the house. Plus my neighbors are VERY nosy and tell me even if a mouse poops around there. I am curious though to see if I do hear anything in the car, you are right that would be the most opportune time to chat it up in perceived privacy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @Machiavelli, I agree the advise is nothing short of amazing. I just turned 42 and yes I am considered very handsome and I am in great great shape.If I find out anything like anything after she promised to halt the whole facebook affair, then yes. I am gone and heading back home to Florida. Alone.
> 
> @ThreeStrikes, I agree with the VAR, I do have cams at home so I am not sure she will have anyone over at the house. Plus my neighbors are VERY nosy and tell me even if a mouse poops around there. I am curious though to see if I do hear anything in the car, you are right that would be the most opportune time to chat it up in perceived privacy.


The red part. RDMU thought that. If her AP is an experienced cheater she will pick him up at a grocery store, have him duck down, and drive his azz into the garage.

We've seen it all here.

Nothing will search for key words in a var recording except what the feds have and I dont imagine they are going to share with you.

Radio shack sells the ezoom GPS. RDMU uses it to this day almost a year later in his now largely automated monitoring.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Facebook, mobile phones, the internet - These are the Devil's work.

GEN 3:6 

"And when the woman saw that the internet was good for looking up old boyfriends, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tool to be desired to make one wise, she took of the facebook sign-up thereof."

It's all there in the bible.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@weightlifter, Jesus.. I am amazed at what an unfaithful spouse will do. I have yet to read more than a few stories here on the site. I never knew so many people are unfaithful.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @weightlifter, Jesus.. I am amazed at what an unfaithful spouse will do. I have yet to read more than a few stories here on the site. I never knew so many people are unfaithful.


Understand, a fair number of cases here the wife gets played by a player. Players have their owns sites for hiding affairs.

RDMU caught his wife because she got sloppy in hiding it. It took a year. RDMUs Bob is a VERY experienced player.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Funny you say that, that is exactly how I uncovered this whole mess. I was checking my brothers Facebook page as he died last year so I created a memorial page for him. And when I picked up her kindle there it all was, all out there. The messed up thing is I actually remembered the guys name from when I met my wife when I was 17. So I knew exactly who it was. She had got sloppy and forgot to set a password on her kindle but by golly her Ipad was locked down.

We are and I am trying so hard to get past this and recover my marriage. Throughout this whole ordeal though I have remained a true gentleman when speaking with her and even when I confronted the other guy I spoke with poise and dignity. 

Although I couldn't sleep for close to 5 days. Sheer exhaustion finally laid me out. And the fact that it was right before Christmas just made it all the while worse. Probably the worst holiday season I can ever remember. 

Thank you for your advise, and everyone else here. It is very touching to see other humans helping one another.

P.s I had a facebook account for a few years, but when an old girlfriend came messaging me, I simply deleted the account. It's been over 2 and half years since I have had a FB account. Funny thing is my kids don not use social media and I advised the wife to get the heck off of it as well but now she had to learn the hard way that when you open those old memories, they crash your current life.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. Did your ex start dirty?
I put funny or odd things on my FB. 

Like the time I told a customer something wouldnt work and that there was one answer which i showed him the one answer inside of two minutes, he got offended. I fired the customer. He took over two hours of another salesmans time then came back the next day and bought the exact item I suggested withing two minutes of him walking in the door.

OR the time some SOB pushed a blind woman out of the way.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

No, she was like hey haven't heard from you in a long time etc etc and how is the married life treating you. As a very experienced hacker I know all about the social aspect of human pretexting so I deleted my account. Plus, I always always left my FB open for my wife to review and the last thing I wanted was for her to see that I was even chatting with an old GF. 

I never had any serious relationships with other woman as my wife was and still is the only woman I have ever slept with. But still, I just having another girl message me opens up all sorts of Pandora's box's that I know sometimes is inescapably hard to predict and control. 

That is why from the very onset, I advised my kids to stay off social media and even to this day they both think that all social media sites are "dumb" and "gay" end quote.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"dumb" and "gay" end quote.

not that there's anything wrong with it


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

MCKD said:


> ...
> P.s I had a facebook account for a few years, but when an old girlfriend came messaging me, I simply deleted the account. It's been over 2 and half years since I have had a FB account. Funny thing is my kids don not use social media and I advised the wife to get the heck off of it as well but now she had to learn the hard way that when you open those old memories, they crash your current life.





MCKD said:


> ... I swear I hate facebook for sure. It's teh cause of so many divorces this day and age.


Facebook is not the cause of the divorce. That's like blaming the knife for the stabbing, or blaming the cheeseburger for being fat. If someone can't handle the temptation to cheat using social media, how do they handle going to a bar without cheating? The social media is not the cause of their infidelity, it's just a tool they use. 

I've had women from my past contact me on facebook...I just talk about my girlfriend and their husband...seems to put any flirting to rest real quick. 

Your wife is the problem, not facebook. Moving forward, don't forget that.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@tulsy, I wont forget it and you are very right. there are many tools on the web that facilitate in extra marital affairs and Facebook is just the most popular and obvious choice for people who choose to reconnect with old friends. 

I was considering closing my FB account before the old GF got in touch though honestly I couldn't stand seeing what my old best mate from 1990 had on his thanksgiving table in 2011 and such. And to see all of the false things people post about themselves just to prop up their ego just made me all the while more determined to end FB just as the old GF came calling.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> 26 cheating wives and one cheating husband hate me. They just dont know it.
> 
> On the VARs SONY SONY SONY. No I dont work for them. We have had tragic time lost with lesser VARs.
> 
> ...


How many did you find out weren't cheating at all.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MCKD, 

You have been given good advice and seem to grasp it well. Stay vigilant. 

Have you read "Not Just Friends"  or His Needs, Her Needs yet?


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@anchorwatch, I have indeed no I haven't read those titles but will.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would have such a hard time with this.  For example, every time she asked me a question I would have to say, "isn't that a question one would ask the love of her life, I have no idea what to tell you."


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@Chaparral, that is very true. That scenario plays a thousand times in my head every day and the best thing I can do is remain calm, dignified and be a gentleman about the whole mess. 

My first reaction was to go total Rambo, but I knew that would never solve anything and only lose my freedom.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @anchorwatch, I have indeed no I haven't read those titles but will.


It can be overwhelming to be confronted with so much information during such an emotional time. Take you time. The A has been halted. The rest depends on your needs, wants and time line. That's why I gave you the links to browse the plans when you're able. There's another book in Chaparral signature too, that might give you insight. MMSLP

Wish your family well.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> How many did you find out weren't cheating at all.


By the time they post on CWI in TAM. Not many.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

tulsy said:


> Facebook is not the cause of the divorce. That's like blaming the knife for the stabbing, or blaming the cheeseburger for being fat. If someone can't handle the temptation to cheat using social media, how do they handle going to a bar without cheating? The social media is not the cause of their infidelity, it's just a tool they use.


It may not be a cause, but I've seen often enough that FB can be one hell of an accelerant.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP as resident 007 I look for patterns. Could you answer these for me?

OP how intense did they get? Generically. "6 nude pictures of her sent, 3 of him received. 4 I love you's, and 3 weeks of dirty roleplay" is sufficient for an answer.

Did you read all of it to MAKE sure it did not go physical? You mentioned having a hard time reading it.

Were you able to get the whole thing from the beginning and you are sure it is the beginning? IE you can see the ramp up from innocent.

Who reached out to whom?

Approximate timeline.
First innocent contact?
First inappropriate contact?
First outright dirty contact?
You shut it down what date?
How long from your discovery to confront? "I immediately went into the bedroom after reading and asked &*&**** *&**^&^!!!!" is sufficient.

Did she confess immediately? Offer COMPLETE transparency? If not immediately how long until offered?

HOW MUCH did she blame you?

Ive done text transcriptions for other posters and the thing I find scary is how fast it ramps up from "Hi" to sexting when it involves old flames. When I did RDMUs for him. he described it something like. "Every one of these is a stab to my heart." He read about 5 of them literally couldnt do any more then sent me the screenies then I provided him a just the facts summary with a full transcript below it with a full empty page break warning him the full thing was below. He is the only poster to ever release me on some things. So yes. I have his permission tho I wont go into details of the transcript.

FB, texting, all these modern things make affairs MUCH easier. Of course VARs are also modern...

My wifes EA was a slow burn at first. At least 8 months of awful spelling proving his family tree is a tree trunk then two months of increasing spooning that started with reminiscing. I am pretty sure they were almost to the I love you stage (A week or two out Ill guess) when I shut it down HARD. "Him or me" Still I got it early. No mind movies from a PA thank goodness.

My triggers are almost all gone. Unfortunately so is my trust even tho I monitor her.

You are not alone bro.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> By the time they post on CWI in TAM. Not many.


Your telling me that people that just wanted to check or had a slight bad feeling went on to check just in case and almost all cases, they found a stinking cheater?

It's too hard to believe. I know when I went through the 25-30 age range, it was alot of cheating going on. It did seem to be a sort of normal.

Is it that popular to cheat and cover it up, perhaps 80% or more of certain age ranges are cheating?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Your telling me that people that just wanted to check or had a slight bad feeling went on to check just in case and almost all cases, they found a stinking cheater?
> 
> It's too hard to believe. I know when I went through the 25-30 age range, it was alot of cheating going on. It did seem to be a sort of normal.
> 
> Is it that popular to cheat and cover it up, perhaps 80% or more of certain age ranges are cheating?


Important words.
***BY THE TIME THEY GET TO TAM AND CWI***
The vast majority. Like 98% at least ea/sexting


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

CWI is an EXTREMELY non-average statistical sample.

By the time they get here they have a major red flag or a lot of minor ones. Then a big chunk do early half azzed confronts and make the situation worse.


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## flabergasted (Jan 12, 2014)

MCKD
Your tale and mine have a lot of striking similarities. I am 43 and my wife of 22 years cheated on me. Fortunately for you, it does not seem as thou your wife went as far as mine. 
This woman was the love of my life. Also a SAHM. Also the only woman I have ever been with. Also 2 older children at home. Also discovered her secrets by total accident when I picked up her electronics (phone) and was blindsided by the messages in front of my face.

Mine decided to have an affair with a 60 year old retired cop. Just sex... For 5 months... I got a total confessional.

This has been one month now. She is out of house. Kids are with me. She now has a rental house couple miles from here. Divorce is in works.

Amazing... what is happening to our women. This was an absolutely perfect woman that changed into a devil. I just don't understand...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

flabergasted said:


> MCKD
> Your tale and mine have a lot of striking similarities. I am 43 and my wife of 22 years cheated on me. Fortunately for you, it does not seem as thou your wife went as far as mine.
> This woman was the love of my life. Also a SAHM. Also the only woman I have ever been with. Also 2 older children at home. Also discovered her secrets by total accident when I picked up her electronics (phone) and was blindsided by the messages in front of my face.
> 
> ...


Sometimes a good person just "gets it in their head" to do bad. No explanation for it. It happens more than you think.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

flabergasted said:


> MCKD
> Your tale and mine have a lot of striking similarities. I am 43 and my wife of 22 years cheated on me. Fortunately for you, it does not seem as thou your wife went as far as mine.
> This woman was the love of my life. Also a SAHM. Also the only woman I have ever been with. Also 2 older children at home. Also discovered her secrets by total accident when I picked up her electronics (phone) and was blindsided by the messages in front of my face.
> 
> ...


My 60 year old guy was probably very experienced in what he was doing and was able to penetrate her mind.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think people forget how people that know what they are doing can play other people. How many people have bought something they didn't really want or need.

Time to repost this, especially since there are so many stories about police officers who cheat. There is no question that women are attracted to police officers, its biological. That is a double whammy if they are a player.

I copy this from a post that Numbbadger reposted:

*Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
*


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

@flabergasted, I am very sorry to hear about your situation and if for one minute I could prove or have shown that my wife slept with another man that would be the end game. 

So far, she has been very supportive and extremely remorseful for her affair. Her and I have been talking and communicating more now than we have in the past few years. 

In some sort of Odd twist, this has brought me closer to understanding her needs and wants and her and I have been pretty darn close the past few weeks. We are talking and spending time with each other again like we used to and the communication lines are wide open.

She does know I am watching every single move she makes and I have spent a lot of money to do just that. She knows without a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed watching her and she stated that she feels better knowing that she is being monitored. 

I love my wife so freaking much it hurts. She is my only world and to even have the thought of her with another man makes me physically ill. 

I do have all the spy gear up and running, I have VAR's everywhere and GPS trackers everywhere , one even sewn in her coat. It sucks. But if after a year, shes cool. I will remove them one by one and begin the monitored trust. 

She knows, this is her last time and she has been warned that if she screws up, shes out and so am I. I am there for her and she is there for me. I do hope this continues and I will update my situation here to whatever outcome may ensue.

Again, I am very sorry to hear about your wife and sadly I know the feelings of confusion and betrayal and it sucks very bad. If I can offer any advise please don't hesitate to reach out.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Sometimes a good person just "gets it in their head" to do bad. No explanation for it. It happens more than you think.


Or because they want to.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Update.. So far everything has been pretty good at home, I took the liberty of telling the wife last night I will be running forensics on her Ipad and dumped the whole device using some pretty powerful software. 

She seemed rather surprised that I came home and told her, she then was asking questions like "what sort of info can you get from a dump" and I told her basically everything. Even stuff you delete and even info from deleted apps and such.

Today, she has been very quiet and hasn't even textd me or called me like she was doing for the past few weeks. I wonder what I am going to find. Hopefully nothing. I am so nervous about going through the image and seeing something that I shouldn't. 

I have been checking phone records and the VAR(s) and haven't turned up anything. But hopefully my gut feeling is wrong.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^ tell her if there is anything that you don't know about now is the time to tell me.


she may be holding out that you will not find what she is worrying about.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

I thought about asking her if there is anything I should know about before I go through the image file, but I wanted to see her body language and see how she is reacting to me dumping the device. She does know I have a image of it and geesh, I hope I am wrong but she sure is acting not herself today.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Praying for ya MC.


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## Nd4 (Feb 3, 2014)

That is tough man


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good luck.


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Thanks Guys, I'll probably wait one more day. Just uploaded the image to my server so it's just a matter of time before I sit down and go through it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It's kind of obvious,indin't it./?

She hasn't told you everything/left something(s) out. Now she sees that you may find out, some, or all of what she is now worried about.

For her not to outright tell you now, makes me think that she's pretty sure that what ever it is - YOU are not gonig to be happy about it.

If you can't recover the data like you had hoped - Don't let her about it. Just tell here that you're about to look at what's on the disk. This is her last chance to come clean with anything she may have left out. If she tells you there's nothing else, tell her that you had already looked at it before coming home and silently start packing her things for her trip...

I bet she cracks within 5 minutes.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

treyvion said:


> My 60 year old guy was probably very experienced in what he was doing and was able to penetrate her mind.


Treyvion, no offense but why are you still married to her then?, until now I thought that your only problem was that your wife have you sexually starved (and for the way you described it, she is pretty awful when she rejects you), and now with this revelation you mean that she also cheated, that is pretty twisted of her.

why are you still enduring that kind of marriage?

(sorry for the Little thread Jack)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WW tells OM that he's the love of her life, the OM only lives 15 minutes away, and she was deleting stuff? Sorry, but it does NOT look good. Hope I'm wrong.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MCKD said:


> I do have all the spy gear up and running, I have VAR's everywhere and GPS trackers everywhere , *one even sewn in her coat*.


Whoah! Just like in that movie "True Lies"? Talk about going all out.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> If you can't recover the data like you had hoped - Don't let her about it. Just tell here that you're about to look at what's on the disk. This is her last chance to come clean with anything she may have left out. If she tells you there's nothing else, tell her that you had already looked at it before coming home and silently start packing her things for her trip...
> 
> I bet she cracks within 5 minutes.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

*That's too good for just a "like"*


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

manticore said:


> Treyvion, no offense but why are you still married to her then?, until now I thought that your only problem was that your wife have you sexually starved (and for the way you described it, she is pretty awful when she rejects you), and now with this revelation you mean that she also cheated, that is pretty twisted of her.
> 
> why are you still enduring that kind of marriage?
> 
> (sorry for the Little thread Jack)


In the old marriage I was cheated. Very similar to the situations here. New gf decided to not allow piv before I got with her. And affections are light. If im cheated in the new situation its over on the spot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MCKD (Jan 21, 2014)

Well I dumped the Ipad haven't found nothing. Just some reason though things just seem odd the past few days, shes been short and snappy and I just feel like the whole thing was just to easy for her to end. Anyhow back to playing 007 for a few months. 

Thank you to everyone who contributed and has helped me out.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

TO the Op..... 

Your wife told you why she did this....... she wanted to feel wanted, she wanted to feel pretty... something you where not giving her..... paying the bills is great.. but making a woman feel truly special is what they want and need...... the same as you

If you want her..... make her feel pretty and needed...... stop snooping, stop checking.... 

here the deal... she doesn't HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL .... and you don't have to be faithful either......

1 - STOP SNOOPING - It doesn't matter what she said or did - and if you throw it in her face to much SHE WILL LEAVE... now if you want her to leave thats your choice
2 - Dont feel "entitled" - 
3 - If it was "OVER" she would have already packed up her **** and left
4 - If you wanted it to be over you would have thrown her out

It sounds to me like the 2 of you want this to work.... but you cant overcome certain feelings of doubt, fear, blah blah blah.......

Just be nice, be kind, just START OVER ....... 

I'll say the same ting here I said on another post earlier.... if your wife was some single divorcee with a couple of adult kids and an ex... would you want to date her ?

If yes.... then there ya go... if no.... then move on....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Above Paul advice... er what?!?

er BAD advice with 2 grains of truth.

I would do you due diligence for a while then back off in say three weeks then audit periodically.

1) For your own sanity
2) she may have taken it dormant for a while.

the second grain is play dumb and happy and be quiet about it for now. 

IF you need logistical help, just PM me.

WL


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MCKD said:


> @flabergasted, I am very sorry to hear about your situation and if for one minute I could prove or have shown that my wife slept with another man that would be the end game.
> 
> So far, she has been very supportive and extremely remorseful for her affair. Her and I have been talking and communicating more now than we have in the past few years.
> 
> ...


This should be on the wall of every blind newcomer on TAM, you did this very good. And I like the way you think, loving and realistic at the same time. 
My hat of for you sir!

:allhail:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

paul72 said:


> TO the Op.....
> 
> Your wife told you why she did this....... she wanted to feel wanted, she wanted to feel pretty... something you where not giving her..... paying the bills is great.. but making a woman feel truly special is what they want and need...... the same as you
> 
> ...


Ignore this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Away over two weeks. Wonder how R goes.

BTW you did very well. Gather info, plan, execute. We dont get enough of that here.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Away over two weeks. Wonder how R goes.
> 
> BTW you did very well. Gather info, plan, execute. We dont get enough of that here.


Don't know why he didn't just update this thread but:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/171545-update-wife-24-years-ea.html


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

MCKD updated in a new thread.


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