# Is she being irrational or am I insensitive?



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I’ve been with my gf now for 10 months. Currently going thru a divorce that will be finalized next month. I’ve been living with my gf since early on but she doesn’t accept anything about my ex wife. I’m 42 and she’s 25 so there is a considerable age gap. Before you say that’s the issue it’s not. We both love each other and the relationship has been mostly awesome

However, she gets super angry whenever anything about my ex comes up and she shuts down. I have a 9 year old son and we share custody. My gf wants to know whenever I message or get a message from my ex which I’ve been mostly good about. I have forgotten to tell her a couple times which I get yelled at for. I’ve had little to no contact at all what so ever with my ex except if it is regarding our so 

Anyways, I ran into an old client of mine early this evening and when I told me gf she shut down on me saying she didn’t want to know I was talking about my ex. She then asks what time I’m dropping my son of tomorrow and I told her 7:30. She then asks how my ex knows and I said she messaged me and I replied 7:30. Now, my gf won’t talk to me and is beyond pissed off at me because I didn’t tell her. Am I being insensitive and thinking this isn’t a conversation just correspondence about our son or is she right being pissed at me for not telling me and shutting down and staying in the bedroom and not talking to me? I’m really frustrated right now because had I told her about it prior she still would have been prob just as pissed at me. 

My gf goes with me when I drop my son off and I haven’t seen my ex in months


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

why don't you tell her you don't mind if she reads the texts on your phone whenever she wants. Then you can't forget to tell her. Also it sounds like she's suspicious, perhaps because she's older so she can't believe its for real, and letting her read your texts shows you've nothing to hide


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

So....

How do you plan to effectively co-parent your son (which should be your #1 priority) while keeping your very jealous (and sorry, immature sounding) girlfriend happy?

And this may be simply preconceived notions on my part, but you do realize that this relationship has many many things stacked against it right?

You moved in together very early on - its been less than a year, you two should be in absolute limerence still - yet you already have major conflicts. 

This is a rebound relationship - or did it start as an affair? How long were you married? When did you move out of the martial home and did you spend any time on your own before setting up shop with your girlfriend?

An age gap, especially between 25 and 42 is a major one. She has been living life as an "adult" for probably around 5 years at best. You on the other hand.... well you have 22 years of "adult life" under your belt, heck, already been married and have a pre-teen. Are you two really in compatible stages of life? She is ready to settle down and not run around with her young adult friends - and rather take up the life of step mom? 

Honestly, I do not see a successful resolution here. I don't think this young woman has the maturity to understand that you MUST have a decent and respectful relationship with the mother of your child. Because rearing your child is more important than your new girlfriend's feelings. 

You have a child with your ex, until that kid is 18, she will be a part of your life. Any new women you bring into your life need to understand that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Why are you allowing her to make such unreasonable demands? Usually, when a woman is acting out the way she is it is because there is an underlying issue that you need to address. Whether it is a lack of trust, diversion of attention that she wants, etc., you need to figure it out by communicating with her. The other solution is to draw a line in the sand and tell her you won't tolerate that sort of behavior and kick her out until she treats you with maturity and respect.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Ahh, just read that you cheated on your wife with her... and then left wife to be with her. 

Makes more sense now. 

She knows that you are capable of cheating and lying - she was your partner in crime when you did it to your wife. 

My opinion? This relationship has no foundation and will fall like a deck of cards.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Looking2Change said:


> ... she doesn’t accept anything about my ex wife.
> 
> ... she gets super angry whenever anything about my ex comes up and she shuts down.
> 
> ...


So this is what being in love and being in an "awesome" relationship looks like to you. Okay. Maybe you should read your own words again. Because this sounds like total crap to me.

How does your gf treat your son? 

I don't see this ending well ... JMO.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I shouldnthave said:


> Ahh, just read that you cheated on your wife with her... and then left wife to be with her.
> 
> Makes more sense now.
> 
> ...


I disagree about not having a foundation. Yes, I cheated on my ex with her but I also left the second I did. We never snuck around or hid or anything. My marriage had run its course and I was beyond unhappy so I left. 

As for everything else Things are great. We always get along great, the sex is out of this world, the intimacy is stronger than I’ve ever experienced. We have a great bond and connection but whenever the ex comes up she ****s down


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Looking2Change said:
> 
> 
> > ... she doesn’t accept anything about my ex wife.
> ...


She is awesome to my son. He loves her and we all have fun together. The only thing we ever fight about is my ex. I can’t even say anything about her at any point at all or she gets so pissed off. She detests that I still have to talk to her and she is adamant that I’m being disrespectful for not telling her about a message that was less than harmless. I don’t feel like at this point in my life I need to forward and screenshot a message about when I’m dropping my son off. Whenever I have to drop him off my gf even comes with me. I’m not hiding anything


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Looking2Change said:


> The only thing we ever fight about is my ex. I can’t even say anything about her at any point at all or she gets so pissed off. She detests that I still have to talk to her and she is adamant that I’m being disrespectful for not telling her about a message that was less than harmless. I don’t feel like at this point in my life I need to forward and screenshot a message about when I’m dropping my son off.


This might just seem like the one and only thing you two argue about now, but just wait until the hormones, pheromones, endorphins, and all that other sweaty-hot-stuff dies down. Again, I don't see this as ending well.

And, yeah, your gf is being unreasonable on her stance. But I think what you aren't seeing is this is how she operates when she gets really p.o.'d. She shuts you down and cuts you off. And you are starting to get ticked off about her approach (or should I say, non-approach).

Look, you can say how great this relationship is until the cows come home, but in reality it is not. You are already getting resentful, she is overreacting, and this started as an affair. Again, this ain't gonna end well ...


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Curious, tell us about this strong foundation the relationship is built on.

Besides sex, what do you two share?

Same stage of life? Shared vision for the future? Agree on career goals, work / life balance?

See eye to eye on matters of finance? Religion, child rearing etc?

Have a strong social circle that support you two as a couple? Your parents are thrilled, hers are thrilled, and your friends rally around you both?

As you have experienced first hand, relationships need a magic mix to make them work - once you add a number of complications, like ex's, step kids, age gaps things become more challenging, and that couple must have an even stronger foundation than most if they are going to withstand the test of time.

So if you two have such a great level of intimacy - why isn't she more empathetic to your needs? Why doesn't she understand that you must communicate with your wife? If you two are so close, why doesn't she trust you, and why does she have so much anger towards you?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> I disagree about not having a foundation. Yes, I cheated on my ex with her but I also left the second I did. We never snuck around or hid or anything. My marriage had run its course and I was beyond unhappy so I left.
> 
> As for everything else Things are great. We always get along great, the sex is out of this world, the intimacy is stronger than I’ve ever experienced. We have a great bond and connection but whenever the ex comes up she ****s down


The fact remains that you are not trustworthy. You betrayed your wife, broke your word/vows, had sex with another woman, and dropped your wife like a hot potato. Your gf is now being controlling and jealous because she knows that there's nothing stopping you from doing the exact same thing to her.

So is she being irrational? No, not at all. You're being irrational for expecting her to trust you.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She sounds jealous, crazy and controlling regardless of your past marriage. Maybe she has reason to be since your a cheater, but its not like she has any high horse in that matter. I wouldn't play the game of proving myself. I'd tell her the bare minimum and let her imagination go wild. Life is too short for living like a prisoner in your own home. There is plenty of time for that if you make the mistake of marriage again.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BioFury said:


> The fact remains that you are not trustworthy. You betrayed your wife, broke your word/vows, had sex *with another woman*, and dropped your wife like a hot potato.


Well, yeah ... BUT the gf IS the "another woman." He cheated on his wife, and the gf was the willing participant in the affair.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Grow a pair and tell her to quit acting like shes 25....lol


Start think with the right head. If she is so immature that she locks herself in the bedroom whenever shes mad then shes not the one it will only get worse.

Try putting your kid first .

Blood is thicker that this crazy girl.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Well, yeah ... BUT the gf IS the "another woman." He cheated on his wife, and the gf was the willing participant in the affair.


Sure, she's not any better. But she's at least being realistic about who she's in a relationship with. He thinks he can cheat on his wife, waltz into another relationship, and pretend he's a stand up guy.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

ha ha, she knows exactly what you're capable of and she will question you the rest of your lives. the age gap is creepy to be honest. just try to work on your marriage.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

It's unfortunate that this has to happen. I'm crazy about this girl and we were in the process of moving to a townhouse next weekend. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight and rethinking what is best for me and my son. It might be best that she goes to the townhouse without me and I stay here to figure things out.

This clearly isn't the first time this has happened and it's happened when I've told her that my ex contacted me and the same outcome. She got pissed off at me when I told her someone was asking what happened with my ex and then this happened. She shuts down fast and hard when she does and it's beyond frustrating.

Maybe the age thing is what I'm seeing here or just a major jealousy issue. Who knows? She also tries to talk so much crap about my ex and how ugly she is and that she looks transgender etc. I don't play into it as I don't find any humor in it. 

Oh well, sucks because things were going so well but I can't and won't walk on egg shells whenever I have to talk to my ex about my son. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm sneaking around when I say I'm dropping him off at a certain time. 2 weeks ago something similar happened. We went to the baseball game and it was a Sunday. I drop him off at 7 and we both agreed that I needed to message my ex that we would be late because she freaks if the schedule is changed even a tiny bit. I messaged her and said I would prob. be there around 7:30 - 7:45. I did this while my gf was in the bathroom because we were literally leaving the park. When we got to the car I told her I messaged my ex to let her know we would be late and again she flipped out. It completely ruined the entire day and night because she felt I did it behind her back even though we talked about having to message her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It's not an "age" thing. It's a maturity thing. And, in reality, age is only loosely-coupled to maturity. There are some 25-year olds who are more unselfish and giving people than some 65-year olds.

It does suck, no doubt about it. But, come, Ebenezer....I am the ghost of relationship future....there are actually two quite different futures for you and your son:

Future #1: You continue to pursue a relationship that leads toward marriage with this girl. Within one year, you will be so damned sick of this CHILD you have to mollycoddle through life that you will want to scream. Your son will want to scream, too. And, within a few years, his life will return to normalcy, after you and this girl have divorced and separated for good. However, yours won't. You will be haunted by the stupid, awful choice you made, and you will feel the bitter pain of regret. Some people are like Esau from the bible.... who "found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears".... and you will recognize that you, like Esau, are a "profane person" who chose to make your dong tingle and your ego fly, over the welfare and security of your son. You "sold your birthright for a morsel of meat".....like Esau.

Future #2: You maturely choose to sacrifice your ego strokes and your sexual excitement for the sake of providing a reasonable, safe, secure environment in which you can train up your son. By and by, when your life has become again stable, you will find a mature, unselfish woman who will be a good example toward your son and help you through the maze of forming him into a man. You will have absolutely no regret that you made this choice.

BTW, in case you haven't already figured this out: this girl brings, to your son, a HORRIBLE example which he will learn from. You are also bringing a horrible example to your son, at this moment. However, you have the ability to change YOU. You have no ability to change this girl.



Looking2Change said:


> It might be best that she goes to the townhouse without me and I stay here to figure things out.


Yes, sir, that statement is absolutely, unequivocally, 100%, correct. Make no mistake about it, that is indeed, quite, "best". And, I have given you some "figures" you should include in your deliberation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Btw it doesn't stop when your son is 18.

The fun begins with holidays, weddings, baby births. 

If your new partner is this crazy your life will be hell until you ditch the GF or the son.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Get your balls back dude...their probably neatly tucked inside your GFs Coach purse. 

Tell her your kid always comes first and you will text your XW as you see fit when it relates to his well-being. Furthermore, you will no longer notify her when you text your ex over co-parenting matters unless it involves you changing your plans (with bat-crazy GF).

Then tell her to stop being such a drama queen and bake you a pot pie.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Absolutely ridiculous that she expects you to report in every time you exchange a message with your ex. You have a child for god sake. That is neither reasonable nor possible.

I don't think it would make a difference to her whether you left your ex before you cheated or after. She's only 25, you have a lot more life experience than her, and she's just in too deep.

The best thing for both of you is to end this now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm actually going to be somewhat easy on you. For me, that is rare. The thing is, your marriage was falling apart. I assume it was going south prior to hooking up with your gf. The thing is, you went right from the frying pan into the fire. You climbed into bed and into a relationship while you were married. You haven't given yourself time to reflect on what went wrong, what you can do to be a better man, and to be alone with your son so you can assure he feels secure - without a hot smokin' girlfriend in the mix.

Okay, you cheated. You got out of the marriage the minute you had intercourse with another woman. The thing is, having sex with someone other than your wife when your marriage sucks doesn't allow you the time you need to recoup or grow.

Sorry, but your gf sounds like a b-word (can't spell it out w/o it being ***). Okay, so as other posters say, she doesn't trust you. But this sounds like more than mere distrust. She is dissing your ex. And, like it or not, your ex is the mother of your child. UNACCEPTABLE. This is when you lay down the law - even if you are having the most unbelievable sex in your entire life - and you tell her to shut up about your ex. 

You don't tolerate anyone freezing you out. She has her own insecurities. REGARDLESS of whether or not they are based on your cheating isn't a factor IMO. She is handling this situation wrong. And, like I said before, this is the way she operates. She doesn't like it? Get ready for the big freeze.

Let her move out. Stay where you are. You need space to look at yourself, your failed marriage, and what made you jump in the sack with this woman - other than hot, sweaty, sex. Seriously.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> I disagree about not having a foundation. Yes, I cheated on my ex with her but I also left the second I did. We never snuck around or hid or anything. My marriage had run its course and I was beyond unhappy so I left.
> 
> As for everything else Things are great. We always get along great, the sex is out of this world, the intimacy is stronger than I’ve ever experienced. We have a great bond and connection but whenever the ex comes up she ****s down


But...you cheated with her. That's not so much a foundation rather a base of quicksand.

And what do you have now?

A girlfriend who now has a totally rational fear in the form of her jealousy wondering if you're going to cheat on her with your ex. You and your ex have history, something you and her don't have. You also have a son together, that's for life.

Just by your reply you're arguing against solid facts. You cheated with her. Whether or not you were unhappy, you were married. Now you're in a relationship where the no 1 priority, your child and co-parenting is likely going to be the source of a whole lot of trouble which isn't likely to resolve itself in any good way.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When you left your wife to be with your girlfriend she got to celebrate a little victory, she felt empowered over the woman you left. Every time you have contact with the ex it eats away at your girlfriends power, she keeps worrying "what if". The fact that you and the ex share a child together and will always have a relationship undermines your girlfriends confidence and makes her jealous. Why you ask? Because she is emotionally immature and also insecure over her relationship with you. End of story is she doesn't trust you and is afraid you will return to your ex wife.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Cooper said:


> When you left your wife to be with your girlfriend she got to celebrate a little victory, she felt empowered over the woman you left. Every time you have contact with the ex it eats away at your girlfriends power, she keeps worrying "what if". The fact that you and the ex share a child together and will always have a relationship undermines your girlfriends confidence and makes her jealous. Why you ask? Because she is emotionally immature and also insecure over her relationship with you. End of story is she doesn't trust you and is afraid you will return to your ex wife.


Exactly. 

And stop taking your girlfriend to pick up your son. That is seriously a **** move. You left her for a much younger woman and parade her in her face for each pick up just to ease your crazy GF’s jealousy? That is seriously cruel.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I shouldnthave said:


> Ahh, just read that you cheated on your wife with her... and then left wife to be with her.
> 
> Makes more sense now.
> 
> ...


LOL...the old 'middle aged guy trades wife in for younger model' scenario. Golly, nothing cliche about _that _at all.

You can protest all you want that it has nothing to do with her age but that doesn't make it so. A LOT of it has to do with her age, but hey, you wanted a youngin' and you got one, so there you go. And the fact that Lolita has to come with you when you pick your kid up because she knows exactly how much character you LACK and knows she can't trust you is just part of your new and improved _happily ever after_.

How's that workin' for ya?

Well come on. * Surely* you didn't think this was going to be all rainbows and unicorns, did you?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you think it's bad now....wait til' she finds out Toys'R'Us is going out of business.


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## bethebetterman (Apr 5, 2018)

I think you know the answer to this already but you are reluctant to face it because it will mean taking time to be on your own - maybe a year, maybe longer until you are actually ready for a new relationship.

If your marriage was bad why didn't you either try to repair it or divorce and take some time on your own to figure out what went wrong? The answer is probably that you didn't want to, that the thought of being alone scared you. So you sought out someone else and as soon as you had that you cancelled your marriage and moved in with OW. 

You know and she knows that this started because the grass looked greener. Fair enough but a relationship that starts with an affair takes an awful lot of work and very few are willing to put in the effort once the initial excitement of someone new starts to recede. 

From what i can see there is no trust in the relationship and without that you really have no future. Worse than that she wont talk about it so you have no chance of resolving it. Even worse than that your son is taking cues from both of you about what a relationship looks like and everything you do is an example to him of how adults interact in a relationship. 

My ex wife was exactly the same. We never argued because anything she didn't like she simply shut down and refused to talk or discuss it. Eventually she had an affair and gaslighted the hell out of me for a long time until I woke up and saw the very simple truth. 

If you cant communicate, if you cant be honest with each other, if there is no trust - you have no relationship.

Put your son first. End the relationship, take some time to really figure out what you want and what a good relationship looks like to you. When you are ready the right woman will be right along - you can take that to the bank...


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

Looking2Change said:


> Yes, I cheated on my ex with her but I also left the second I did.


Noble.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

You cheat on your wife with a 25 year old, and now you're with this OW, she doesn't trust you, and you're surprised? Cheating is deplorable, and a woman who sleeps with a married man isn't exactly what I'd call decent either. She shouldn't trust you, at all. And if I were you, I wouldn't trust her, either. Sorry, but there's low character and immaturity splattered all over this.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

*PLEASE let her move by herself!*

What is best for your *son*?



Looking2Change said:


> It's unfortunate that this has to happen. I'm crazy about this girl and we were in the process of moving to a townhouse next weekend. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight and rethinking what is best for me and my son. *It might be best that she goes to the townhouse without me and I stay here to figure things out.*


I think this would be a very WISE choice. 

Here is the thing - personally I think good communication skills, and even more important good conflict resolution skills are some of the very most important qualities a successful couple must possess. 

She locks herself in the bedroom - nuff' said. Shows a total lack of maturity, ability to communicate effectively, and most importantly, conflict resolution skills. 

You are sleeping on the couch? Again - points to poor conflict resolution. If a couple can't come TOGETHER when difficulties arise - well then, I am betting that is a couple who won't be able to ride out a stormy sea.

Nights on the couch are never a good sign. (my husband and I have both f'ed up royally in the past, but never so much that we couldn't sleep at night together). 



Looking2Change said:


> She shuts down fast and hard when she does and it's beyond frustrating.


Yes, it IS infuriating when people do this. Does not solve anything, rather increases the conflict. I don't blame you, I wouldn't tolerate it for a moment. 



Looking2Change said:


> Maybe the age thing is what I'm seeing here or just a major jealousy issue. Who knows? *She also tries to talk so much crap about my ex and how ugly she is and that she looks transgender etc*. I don't play into it as I don't find any humor in it.


Your son is 50% of your wife. How can she love your son unconditionally, while hating his mother? This will be toxic to your son. He shouldn't ever sense any sort of malice towards his mother, after all, that is half of his identity. If mom is trash... well then he is half trash. Kids are VERY observant, I am sure he is aware that your GF does not think highly of his mother, a person he loves deeply. If you were still in love with your wife, how would you feel being around someone who had the opinions of your wife that your GF does? 



Looking2Change said:


> Oh well, sucks because things were going so well but I can't and won't walk on egg shells whenever I have to talk to my ex about my son. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm sneaking around when I say I'm dropping him off at a certain time.


You shouldn't ever feel like you have to walk around on egg shells - EVER. Not healthy. 




Looking2Change said:


> 2 weeks ago something similar happened. We went to the baseball game and it was a Sunday. I drop him off at 7 and we both agreed that I needed to message my ex that we would be late because she freaks if the schedule is changed even a tiny bit. I messaged her and said I would prob. be there around 7:30 - 7:45. I did this while my gf was in the bathroom because we were literally leaving the park. When we got to the car I told her I messaged my ex to let her know we would be late and again she flipped out. It completely ruined the entire day and night because she felt I did it behind her back even though we talked about having to message her.


Where was your son while she was having her little freak out? Is he getting exposed to the tension in the relationship over his mother?

In the end... to have such little things, no matter what the source, cause strife, ruining evenings, next days etc - is just NOT GOOD! Not okay, not acceptable.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Looking2change take a look at the big picture and stop trying to find reasons for the way she acts and instead ask yourself. "Is this how I want the rest of my life to be?"


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Looking2Change said:


> I’ve been with my gf now for 10 months. Currently going thru a divorce that will be finalized next month. I’ve been living with my gf since early on but she doesn’t accept anything about my ex wife. I’m 42 and she’s 25 so there is a considerable age gap. *Before you say that’s the issue it’s not*. We both love each other and the relationship has been mostly awesome
> 
> However, she gets super angry whenever anything about my ex comes up and she shuts down. I have a 9 year old son and we share custody. My gf wants to know whenever I message or get a message from my ex which I’ve been mostly good about. I have forgotten to tell her a couple times which I get yelled at for. I’ve had little to no contact at all what so ever with my ex except if it is regarding our so
> 
> ...


Yeah obviously she is the epitome of maturity and relationship skills. :lol:

But "the sex is great" and wow, she's so young an hot! So sure, you should cower before all of her crazy demands and let your son suffer even further than he already has.

I mean, she's 25!!! Every man's dream, right??

:rofl:

Keep telling yourself whatever you need to in order to keep having sex with her and noticing her youth. I'm sure your son will forgive you after enough therapy when he gets older. And hey, maybe by then you can trade your current girlfriend in on another 25 year old, because that's what's important. 

Right.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were your ex-wife, and no I do not want to be for so, so many reasons besides the obvious gender thing; I would by grinning from ear to ear about how your life has gone down the tubes since starting up with your affair partner.

Positive hope: Life will be a bed of roses!

Reality: man, there are so many thorns in this bed!

I think the problem is you, not your child of a love interest.

She has no reason to feel secure in her "relationship" with you. Add in her immaturity, and you have a witches brew of emotions to deal with.

Interesting bed you've chosen to lie in.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

michzz said:


> Add in her immaturity, and you have a witches brew of emotions to deal with.


"But it's not because of her age!!!!" :rofl:


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?

I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.

I did everything I could to fix my marriage before leaving. I went to marriage counseling ALONE because my wife wouldn't go with me. I tried to book dates, and vacations, and anything and everything I could do but my wife was unwilling.

Was I supposed to wait another 4 years being in a sexless and dateless marriage? Sorry, no. I was in the process of leaving her when I met my current g/f. We both agreed the timing sucked but at the end of the day we are both happy together.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?
> 
> I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.
> 
> ...


Ok ok I'll tone it down a bit. I apologize for being so snarky. In my case it was just that you said so explicitly that this problem was not because of her age, and then went on to describe such truly childish behavior that it seemed hilarious to me.

But let me be real and not snarky....the issue is much deeper than her just freaking out when you don't keep her updated about texts with your ex. You don't know it or see it all now, but anyone of any age who would be so manipulating with their emotions, stone wallling and giving the silent treatment over something so incredibly simple has some very deep issues. And you also must not have very good boundaries for not tolerating poor behavior from others. That makes you as a couple very problematic indeed. And you're going to see more of it the longer you stay together.

You say it is only this one issue, I assume you will see more issues but even if it was just this issue, what you have described is completely off base and nutty behavior by her, and people's reactions to that are evidence of just how nutty it is. It's going to get worse, too. I know you probably have no desire to believe that, you are hoping she will get better, not worse. But she won't. She is going to manipulate you until your mental health suffers greatly. 

As for us older women being afraid of being replaced by a younger woman? True I am older, but am already divorced (not due to infidelity nor sexlessness), am dating again, and am regularly asked out by men 10 to 15 years younger than I am. I actually prefer men my own age for a lot of reasons, but lately I'm giving the younger guys a chance, too. So no, my answers are not because im afraid of being replaced by anyone. And I also don't see any problem with your age difference in your relationship. Again it was just the way you said it....and then the behavior you described.

Sadly, it think it's likely your gf will continue to act that way at any age.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Her anger is the symptom

For some reason she is frightened that you will return to your ex. And that’s the fear you need to address. Once you help her get over it, she will stop being angry. 

You need to work to parallel paths:
- Helping her realize she has nothing to fear. Hammer on the fact that if you didn’t share a child you would literally never interact with her.
- Firmly, calmly explaining that her exploding over your co-parenting communication - is making you wonder if she actually cares about your son as much as she says. Because this parenting coordination needs to be frequent and timely. 





Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?
> 
> I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.
> 
> ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I know you probably have no desire to believe that, you are hoping she will get better, not worse. But she won't. She is going to manipulate you until your mental health suffers greatly.


And, she is also going to manipulate your son until HIS mental health suffers greatly.



Faithful Wife said:


> Sadly, it think it's likely your gf will continue to act that way at any age.


I think this statement is spot on. But, for the purpose of discussion, let's say she turns around into a mature person in two years..... this is probably going to avoid damage to your mental health, but it is quite, quite long enough to tear holy hell out of your son's....he is impressionable and has had no chance to develop "boundaries" or even to understand what that means. His damage is going to be permanent.

It's YOUR JOB, Sir..... It's your job to protect your son. Do yourself, and your son, a big favor. Stay where you are, let her move away, and keep your son from ever being around her at all, forever. Let the woman's role in his life come from his biological mother, whom God has ordained to fill that role for him. Spend time with your son fulfilling your role, without the presence of the OW to screw him up.

Just go visit her, or bring her where you are, or meet her wherever, and have yourself an exciting schtup. She may get tired of being your booty call instead of your wife, but meanwhile, have a hell of a party, then go snake your way into another 25-year-old snatch. There are plenty of them out there who want a sugar daddy....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This relationship has no furture, apart from the age differences and likelihood you both want something totally different from life, your GF is controlling and there is no trust. Lack of trust is not the foundation for a relationship.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?
> 
> I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.
> 
> ...


OP, hot 60 year old, career woman here. I'm commenting here not out of fear, but because of your haughty comments. Be careful of what you asked for! You're living your nightmare. It would not have mattered whether your Affair Partner is 25 or 50 years old. She's simply immature! You will continue to walk on eggs with her. I'm just sorry for your son to endure this drama.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?
> 
> I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.
> 
> ...



I can understand that she makes you happy, and that’s great. It’s hard to find someone that can make us happy and it really doesn’t matter if she’s 25 or 45. I think the problem you have and question you need to ask yourself is, do I right now in my life want to be happy at all cost or do i need to be a good father to my son? 

Which is more important to you? Your happiness or your son’s happiness. In order for you to be a good father you need constant contact with your son. In order to have this constant contact with him it means you need to have a functional, pleasant relationship with your ex wife. If your girlfriend does not understand that and supports your effort to have this realationship for your sons sake than I really see no way this relationship will work without sacrificing your relationship with your son. 

This young lady is immature and jealous and she may very well be jealous of the attention you give your son but won’t admit it or doesn’t see it. You need to lay down the law and pretty well tell her that you are a dad before all else and you will have whatever contact is needed with your ex wife for the sake of your child. If she can’t handle that than you have a choice to make, and it’s a pretty crappy position for someone to put you in to choose between them and your child. The fact that she would do that really shows her level of maturity.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?


But you specifically said she shuts down, leaves the room, and refuses to discuss the issue of your ex. You also said you are frustrated by her behavior. How do you propose to work on this? Because from what you have posted thus far, it sounds like your gf is pretty entrenched in her thinking and stance regarding your ex. 

I'd be interested to know your plan for resolving this with her. Do you any idea what you can to do bring about an amicable solution?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Looking2Change said:


> So, we have exactly ONE issue and I need to break up with her instead of work on it with her even though I haven't been this happy in a relationship ever before? Why not try to work things out and build a future as we are planning?


The thing is, its not “one issue”. The issue isn’t your ex wife. The issues are:

Lack of communications skills
Lack of conflict resolution skills
Lack of trust (she doesn’t trust you)
Lack of maturity
Lack of stability (this is a very young relationship to be facing conflict so soon)
Moving quickly in a new relationship
Baggage from divorce
Age gap

Last but not least – your son. At this stage in the game you need someone who will be a great girlfriend, and an even better step mom. 

So, at least some of these issues need to be addressed to fix the “one issue” in your relationship. 

And no, this isn’t about my “fear” of being traded in for a younger model. My husband and I have a fiery sex life, and no kids (so we can enjoy the lifestyle we have).


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> I think the biggest issue here is that the women commenting on this post are just speaking out of fear. The fear that their husband will leave them for a younger and sexier woman that will give them the things their marriage has been lacking for years.


I'm too busy laughing to be insulted....

But seriously, this has mid-life crisis written all over it. She's the new convertible. And she's eventually going to speed away or throw a rod.....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> So....
> 
> How do you plan to effectively co-parent your son (which should be your #1 priority) while keeping your very jealous (and sorry, immature sounding) girlfriend happy?
> 
> ...


Just for perspective...the girlfriend is closer in age to the 9 year old son than the 42 year old boyfriend.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok ok I'll tone it down a bit. I apologize for being so snarky. In my case it was just that you said so explicitly that this problem was not because of her age, and then went on to describe such truly childish behavior that it seemed hilarious to me.
> 
> But let me be real and not snarky....the issue is much deeper than her just freaking out when you don't keep her updated about texts with your ex. You don't know it or see it all now, but anyone of any age who would be so manipulating with their emotions, stone wallling and giving the silent treatment over something so incredibly simple has some very deep issues. And you also must not have very good boundaries for not tolerating poor behavior from others. That makes you as a couple very problematic indeed. And you're going to see more of it the longer you stay together.
> 
> ...


Oh reeeeealy?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Ok ok I'll tone it down a bit. I apologize for being so snarky. In my case it was just that you said so explicitly that this problem was not because of her age, and then went on to describe such truly childish behavior that it seemed hilarious to me.
> ...


Yes I finally gave in to a few of them for dates, and the most recent one is so far ahead of the pack that I stopped talking to or dating all the others to see where it goes. This one isn’t seeking kids or marriage and neither am I obviously so I feel ok about it.

Most younger people want kids eventually and I don’t want to date them and waste their time since they should be seeking a partner who wants the same thing.

So far, so good. Really having fun with him and can’t wait for the next date. Also he is not immature or acting like some of the other men his age. If he did, I wouldn’t have given him a second date. I suppose he would say the same if I acted like an old lady.


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## johnnywalker (Apr 17, 2018)

"You have a child with your ex, until that kid is 18, she will be a part of your life. Any new women you bring into your life need to understand that"
Absolutely!


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