# 3 Months of seperation ADVICE



## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

So my wife and best friend moved out in July so we are moving on 3 months. She lives in a place about 40 miles away and does not have a lease. Her daughter just recently moved in with her. I feel like things are moving in the right direction but then they arent. Seriously the hardest part is to not make meaning out of everything. An example, 2 Saturdays we went out on a "DATE", we went to a distillery tour and she told me that I could touch her if I wanted. She was open and unguarded the whole day, she even grabbed my hand when we walked around other wineries. When the date ended, she hugged me and kissed me on lips. Then on Sunday 1 text, and then nothing all week, but a random TRANSACTION text during the day. I finally asked her on a date for Saturday and we had dinner but this time it started with a hug and kiss and ended with hug and kiss, but now nothing again. Everytime we are together we have a great time, I feel like with her daughter living there now, she doesnt have to miss me. She isnt a mean person at all, so I dont believe she is using me for just fun times. 3 months ago she said she didnt want to be with me and at least now she is going on dates with me. I feel like I have worked on my self alot and I hope she has noticed. I dont know how long I can go like this, waiting etc. SHe is my best friend but it is very hard giving her space. We are going to Nashville together in October to see her sons Military Delployment Ceremony and we are going to spend 5 days completely together. Every day is so hard, I wish I hated her it would easier.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill and rule out a boyfriend.


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill and rule out a boyfriend.


NO boyfriend we have committed to wearing our rings and I am 100% confident there is no one else. We just cant seem to get on the same schedule as far as moving back in.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

cc80man said:


> NO boyfriend we have committed to wearing our rings and I am 100% confident there is no one else. We just cant seem to get on the same schedule as far as moving back in.


Check your phone bill. Go online. Takes about 10-15 minutes.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Contrary to popular belief, a separation is generally not so much of a time to work on repairing a relationship as it is a time to work on the END of the relationship and the grieving process. People need to be together to work on a relationship, not living 40 miles apart and leading separate lives.

I hate to tell you this, but your STBX did not move out so that she could have space to consider if she wanted to married to you. She used that as an excuse so that she can work on herself and getting through the grieving process that is typical at the end of a LTR. Even though she has gone out on a "date" with you, has she made any other gesture to show you that she wants to be in your life? Does she contact you often or spend any other time with you? Anything that shows she wants a relationship? Based on your confusion, I would say no.

A good boy scout knows to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. This is going to sound harsh, but you need to be preparing for the end of your marriage if you have not already. Get mad or angry and start the grieving process, because odds are she is not coming back. She obviously still has feelings for you as she likes to spend a little time with you, but what else is she doing? Really think about that. 

My ex was similar, as we would still do things together as a family after she moved out. But she did nothing for our relationship other than to say she needed "space". Refused to go to counseling and split the bank account. Once I sat back and looked at the situation, it was obvious she was not coming back. It hurt, a lot. But here I am several years later and everything is going along fine. I have a great relationship with my children, I know where all my money is going, and I am happy. And I still manage to get along with the ex. 

Start the process so you can start healing. Do some self reflection and see the good and the bad in your marriage and your part in it. You never know, you might learn something that might actually help.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You're her backup. 

Can you give us an idea why she doesn't want to live with you anymore? Does she think your weak? Are you attractive to her? Let's get personal.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't know, it would seem to me she's cake eating here. She wants to call the shots as far as "letting" you do only what she wants. When she's in a romantic mood ...ok she'll let you touch her, but when only in other moods she get's to tell you to f off. If it were me I wouldn't be able to take this for long and I'd tell her we are either moving back in or not and set a time limit. If she didn't like the time limit, I'd file. f her. I think she's using the idea that she knows that you still like her so she knows she can get away with this for as long as she wants.


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I don't know, it would seem to me she's cake eating here. She wants to call the shots as far as "letting" you do only what she wants. When she's in a romantic mood ...ok she'll let you touch her, but when only in other moods she get's to tell you to f off. If it were me I wouldn't be able to take this for long and I'd tell her we are either moving back in or not and set a time limit. If she didn't like the time limit, I'd file. f her. I think she's using the idea that she knows that you still like her so she knows she can get away with this for as long as she wants.


We seperated due to timing in our life, we are a mixed family, her kids left the house and she has led a hallmark movie life that caught up with her and she asked for time to figure stuff out, we make plenty of money each of us, she is not reliant on me at all. I have learned that I was a good husband but I did not full fill her needs the way that she needed them. In order for me to believe she is using me it would require me to suspend reality a little, she is not a mean person at all. I told her to take her time to figure out her self. her kids are both out of the house. She has gone from, I dont want to be with you at all to going on a trip with me. I think at some point you have to put a time on it, but I dont think that time is now. I made the joke to her that she should go on 6 match.com dates and she will come running back to me and she said "Im married" and I dont want to be with anyone else. I do feel like she has problems that she needs to work through and this isnt a cheat on you situation. I just dont know how long I can be that support system.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Detach and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> You're her backup.
> 
> Can you give us an idea why she doesn't want to live with you anymore? Does she think your weak? Are you attractive to her? Let's get personal.


We are both different personality types in counseling i am an enneagram 8 (the challenger) and she is a 2 (The giver). I have supreme confidence and she needs reassurance. When her kids left the house, she felt like she lost who she was. her first husband was severely bi polar and mother was an alcoholic growing up and dad left at age 5. I love her and dont want to run like she did.


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

C3156 said:


> Contrary to popular belief, a separation is generally not so much of a time to work on repairing a relationship as it is a time to work on the END of the relationship and the grieving process. People need to be together to work on a relationship, not living 40 miles apart and leading separate lives.
> 
> I hate to tell you this, but your STBX did not move out so that she could have space to consider if she wanted to married to you. She used that as an excuse so that she can work on herself and getting through the grieving process that is typical at the end of a LTR. Even though she has gone out on a "date" with you, has she made any other gesture to show you that she wants to be in your life? Does she contact you often or spend any other time with you? Anything that shows she wants a relationship? Based on your confusion, I would say no.
> 
> ...


I said the same thing to her and she said we are separated not separate. We are in counseling and our counselor sees us separate and she doesnt think she is going anywhere and she needs space right now. (BTW these counselors follow the Gottman Principles and are spendy, holy **** spendy). Looking in thats why I said its so easy to make meaning of everythig. She does want to reconsile she said, she just isnt ready yet. I know how that sounds and I am prepared. Thats my problem, I lover her, but I feel like I will be fine, but if we can get over this hurdle we could be fine together.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

cc80man said:


> I just dont know how long I can be that support system.


That's why I suggest that you do put a time frame on this as soon as possible. If you don't she'll just do what's easiest for for her which is to stay separate.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

cc80man said:


> NO boyfriend we have committed to wearing our rings and I am 100% confident there is no one else. We just cant seem to get on the same schedule as far as moving back in.


Just because she wears the ring when she sees you doesn't mean she's wearing it all the time; wearing a ring won't keep her from seeing someone else. Trust, but verify.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

cc80man said:


> We seperated due to timing in our life, we are a mixed family, her kids left the house and she has led a hallmark movie life that caught up with her and she asked for time to figure stuff out, we make plenty of money each of us, she is not reliant on me at all. I have learned that I was a good husband but I did not full fill her needs the way that she needed them. In order for me to believe she is using me it would require me to suspend reality a little, she is not a mean person at all. I told her to take her time to figure out her self. her kids are both out of the house. She has gone from, I dont want to be with you at all to going on a trip with me. I think at some point you have to put a time on it, but I dont think that time is now. I made the joke to her that she should go on 6 match.com dates and she will come running back to me and she said "Im married" and I dont want to be with anyone else. I do feel like she has problems that she needs to work through and this isnt a cheat on you situation. I just dont know how long I can be that support system.


Ok, now check your phone bill.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

"I need space" is the oldest crock of sh*t line ever uttered by a cheater. 99.9999% of the time it means "I want to pursue a relationship with someone else but I'd like you to standby as my plan B in case that doesn't work out." You're being played. I wish you weren't but you are. We've seen it too many times. Separation is a crock. Listen to the other posters here. You, my friend, are being played. Open your eyes and investigate.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

cc80 you're living in limbo land. A cold and soul sucking place. You are like a rest stop on her freeway of life. When she needs a break she exits, takes a whiz and stretches her legs. After that rest stop she goes right back on the interstate. If you are content being a rest area, so be it.

You need to set a deadline with yourself. She doesn't need to know it but you do. If she has not fully returned to the marriage by your internal deadline you need to detach, divorce and go on with your life.

It's funny that you mentioned the Gottman Principles. She isn't following any of them.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

For your own sanity, you really need to put a timeline on this so that you can move on if it comes to that.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Hang in there man.. i take it .. its her that wanted the seperation?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Ok, now check your phone bill.


I suspect he's afraid of what he might find.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You can't work on a marriage from 40 miles apart. You guys are separated, not working on the marriage. She's just unable to find a way to tell you she doesn't want to come back because she's afraid to see you hurt. The 'date' was probably because she was bored, or you caught her at a fond nostalgia moment. Start the 180 and detach from her, for your own protection. If I'm wrong, you'll impress her anyway.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is one, giant friendzone you're in with her. 

You say 3 months ago, she wouldn't give you the time of day, now she (barely) dates you. 

The reality as I see it, is she didn't find anything better than you in 3 months, so you're plan B for now so she doesnt get bored.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

cc80man said:


> We are both different personality types in counseling i am an enneagram 8 (the challenger) and she is a 2 (The giver). I have supreme confidence and she needs reassurance. When her kids left the house, she felt like she lost who she was. her first husband was severely bi polar and mother was an alcoholic growing up and dad left at age 5. I love her and dont want to run like she did.


Hahaha sorry, what? Seriously dude, look up and down at your posts, you've listed every excuse possible, you've got an answer to everything don't you, the sky is blue to you'll say it's yellow because you want it to be.

She's not into you. Isn't that the most obvious answer? You want her to be into you, yes you really do. Type 1, type 2 whatever, she's not into you.

Look at the truth of the situation in front of you and not what you yearn for, or wish for.

We all yearn our bills could be magically paid but the reality is if you don't pay the bills you get cut off, no amount or wishing or excuses can change that.

Stop wishing and making excuses.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I went out to my garage to cook dinner. Unfortunately due to being separated from the stove and ingredients, I couldn't work on cooking. 
This is your marriage. 
Let her figure her **** out. She can do that just as easy while single again. Why should you put your life on hold for someone else to decide? 
Take your rings off and file for divorce. If she wants to fix things she can come back. You can make the decision for her. Why be her plan B, when you can be someone's plan A?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It's hard for her to miss you when she knows you will eat whatever crumb she throws.

NC and 180 her yesterday.... I didn't miss my dog, till he ran away...

Work on YOU..... What are you doing for YOU? Do you hang out with your guy friends any?

If you really want her to contact you.... print off D papers, sign them, send them to her

registered mail. You'll get a response.... may not be what you want to hear....

But at least you will know..... limbo is not a healthy place.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cc80man said:


> NO boyfriend we have committed to wearing our rings and I am 100% confident there is no one else. We just cant seem to get on the same schedule as far as moving back in.


If she wanted to take the relationship further, she would.

Think about that for a moment. Why is she not taking it further? One of two reasons.

1. She is unsure about you.

2. She is unsure about the other man she is seeing, but wants to keep you around in case he does not work out.

Frankly, that you would settle for what she is giving you is far more telling about you than it is about her.

Where is your self respect?


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