# Am I wrong for being mad?



## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Last night my g/f worked until 7:30 and then went out with her best friend for dinner and got home at 10:30. No big deal as she does this 2-4 times per month and it's never an issue. Last night she gets home at 10:30 and then is glued to her phone messaging her other friend until 11:45 ignoring me. I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. She tried cuddling with me and I told her I was all set and that I was upset because she didn't even give me 5 minutes the entire day nor did she ever even ask how my day was. She blew up at me saying she won't ever go out with her friends again as it's always causing issues. (it doesn't and has only one time because she was switching jobs last year and was gone for an ENTIRE week so I finally got pissed) She said I was being controlling and that she won't live under those conditions. I laughed and said it was always a double standard and went to sleep. This morning I left and didn't really say anything. She's messaged me and I've barely responded. Am I wrong for being upset and expecting that when she gets home late she can put her phone away and spend some time with me before we go to bed?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You ignoring her because she ignored you is passive aggressive. 

Sometimes I may have a day where I’m mentally preoccupied with something else and might end up ignoring my partner for the night.

Why not just “hey babe, I see your mind is somewhere else. Anything I can help with? No? Ok, goodnight we will talk in the morning” 
Pouting about it isn’t going to solve anything. 
It doesn’t sound like it happens often, maybe a little slack is needed. 

It’s ok to be upset and say so but silent treatment and ignoring her on purpose is not a productive way to handle it.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You ignoring her because she ignored you is passive aggressive.
> 
> Sometimes I may have a day where I’m mentally preoccupied with something else and might end up ignoring my partner for the night.
> 
> ...


That makes sense. Def. being passive aggressive and I should stop that. But, do I have the right for being upset about last night?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You did communicate with her, and didn't act passive aggressive there, that sounds about right.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Talk2Me said:


> That makes sense. Def. being passive aggressive and I should stop that. But, do I have the right for being upset about last night?


People have a right to be upset about whatever they are upset about. What matters is how you deal with it. When she tried cuddling with you after, you could have just said "I'm a little upset that you didn't talk to me all day, I can see that your mind is elsewhere but I'd still appreciate if you made some time for me" That's more likely to get you a "I'm sorry, I can understand how you feel, I'll remember that next time" 

If you come at her attacking, she'll come back defending. Make it a discussion, not a fight. 

But I know for myself, pouting and passive aggression is a major turn off and will get my defenses up instantly. 
And don't we all need a day every so often where we don't talk? Maybe that's the introvert in me but you have the rest of your lives to talk, one day isn't going to break things. Try to keep things in perspective.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I doubt this would have fazed me one bit, at least as described here. 

If it was a frequent occurrence, then maybe, but if this is not a daily routine, then I don't see a problem. Most people need their time, and still need their special someone. And it will be rather one sided from time to time. As long as it's not one sided all the time, there's no need for anger or resentment. 

I'm sure there will be days when you are out with your buds or fishing or whatever, and then may want to do something else when you get home that doesn't involve her. It happens.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

To his point:

Ah, why is it we must act according to the Book of Average, never being that occasional 'exception' to the rule.

If one is hurt, shall they play some game, pretend they are not, just to awaken, just to manipulate another?

I do get it, that hiding his true feelings may work to his advantage. Being cool works better than acting overly anxious.

.........................................................................................................................

To her point:

She has expressed her dismay at his controlling tendencies, she feels she is being smothered. She needs a measure of independence, one that he has a hard time in offering up.

She may be at a tipping point, he is slowly being viewed as one who is toxic to her. He is falling out of her favor, she sounds, soon done with him.

.........................................................................................................................

She is OP's live-in girlfriend, not fiancee, nor wife. Yes?

With that in mind, she has more freedom than a fiancee or wife. As much freedom as you wish to grant her. And, her being agreeable with this notion. Which, she is not, it appears.

This friendship seems to be strong, and genuine. A female-female bond. On its face, this is a good thing.

However, I would be very curious as to what it is, that they talk about. This is key.
..........................................................................................................................

Allow her this friendship, but monitor their words and their behavior. What goes on when she and her friend are out of sight?
It may be too early to tell, but it is not too early to monitor; do so quietly.

..........................................................................................................................

If you want this relationship to work, to thrive, be the best person you can be. 
Be friendly and warm, supportive, and not clingy.

You two are still in the trial period, lets see how this relationship goes forward. 

Do not push her away, at the same time do not allow her to get too independently frisky. Having those, (girl's night out) can be rewarding to her, and you, if she maintains proper boundaries. This will be a good test for her.

If she is changing for the bad, then you know what needs to be done.



Lilith-

Having a close girlfriend, in itself, is not bad, and can be good outlet for her. If her BFF turns out to be a toxic person to your relationship, then something must be said and done, not before.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> To his point:
> 
> Ah, why is it we must act according to the Book of Average, never being that occasional 'exception' to the rule.
> 
> ...


Great words from the poet. Read and learn. This is great advice. 

Well done Sun C


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Talk2Me said:


> That makes sense. Def. being passive aggressive and I should stop that. But, do I have the right for being upset about last night?


Annoyed, yeah. Upset, not really. Mountains and mole hills. Take a chill pill brother.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk2Me said:


> Last night my g/f worked until 7:30 and then went out with her best friend for dinner and got home at 10:30. No big deal as she does this 2-4 times per month and it's never an issue. Last night she gets home at 10:30 and then is glued to her phone messaging her other friend until 11:45 ignoring me. I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. She tried cuddling with me and I told her I was all set and that I was upset because she didn't even give me 5 minutes the entire day nor did she ever even ask how my day was. She blew up at me saying she won't ever go out with her friends again as it's always causing issues. (it doesn't and has only one time because she was switching jobs last year and was gone for an ENTIRE week so I finally got pissed) She said I was being controlling and that she won't live under those conditions. I laughed and said it was always a double standard and went to sleep. This morning I left and didn't really say anything. She's messaged me and I've barely responded. Am I wrong for being upset and expecting that when she gets home late she can put her phone away and spend some time with me before we go to bed?


Seems reasonable to me but I would be careful that you are not too passive aggressive or whiny about it. If this is one of your requirements, which is basically that she is considerate of you when she gets home, acknowledges you, says hello and catches up with you for a short time, then you can ask for that and stick to it. But you can only ask, your recourse is to understand she is a girl friend and your relationship is basically a trial and she is failing. If you want to take it to that much of an extreme. You can't change people that's a fact. I am not sure how old you are but it sounds like she is young so in this case maybe she will mature but you are allowed to have standards and boundaries. As someone who has been married for over a decade I need to point out that sometimes you also have to learn to compromise in relationships and especially marriage. This could also be one of those things that you see as a small inconsiderate failing on her part that you learn to accept and move on. Nobody or relationship is perfect. At the end of the day though if she doesn't hit the mark you move on and you get to decide what the mark is. You're dating not married.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You ignoring her because she ignored you is passive aggressive.
> 
> Sometimes I may have a day where I’m mentally preoccupied with something else and might end up ignoring my partner for the night.
> 
> ...


I would say though sometimes it's best not to talk about something if you are angry and want to take some time to cool down, so not talking about something isn't always ignoring your partner or being passive aggressive. It depends on if it is retaliatory or not really. But OP does kind of sound passive aggressive it does seem a little much but again to each his own.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk2Me said:


> That makes sense. Def. being passive aggressive and I should stop that. But, do I have the right for being upset about last night?


OP since you admit this is a problem then many of your issues can stem from this. You need to state your needs clearly in a relationship. You need to be confident enough to do that. Assertiveness especially in men is very often seen as attractive, especially if you needs are reasonable. As a guy I can't state this more strongly. Dude, don't be whiny. NO women wants her boyfriend or husband acting like a whiny kid.  You lose you projection of being leader and automatically start to look like a kid. 

How about you take that tact with this. Tell her why you are upset, how it makes you feel and try to work on it together. But don't be defensive, be prepared that she may also have a reasonable take. Work form there and compromise. 

I would start with this "I missed you today, you know your friend got to be with you all night, now it's my turn." Get her a glass of wine, take the phone from her and put it to the side, sit her down look her in the eyes and ask her how her day went. I bet you that will work better. 

Good luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Talk2Me said:


> Last night my g/f worked until 7:30 and then went out with her best friend for dinner and got home at 10:30. No big deal as she does this 2-4 times per month and it's never an issue. Last night she gets home at 10:30 and then is glued to her phone messaging her other friend until 11:45 ignoring me. I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. She tried cuddling with me and I told her I was all set and that I was upset because she didn't even give me 5 minutes the entire day nor did she ever even ask how my day was.


This was a test - she realized that she hadn't given you any attention that day, and attempted to make sure you felt OK.

She was primed to blow if you weren't. Instead of putting out the fuse on that bomb, you helped light it instead. So don't be surprised that it blew up.



> She blew up at me saying she won't ever go out with her friends again as it's always causing issues. (it doesn't and has only one time because she was switching jobs last year and was gone for an ENTIRE week so I finally got pissed) She said I was being controlling and that she won't live under those conditions. I laughed and said it was always a double standard and went to sleep. This morning I left and didn't really say anything. She's messaged me and I've barely responded. Am I wrong for being upset and expecting that when she gets home late she can put her phone away and spend some time with me before we go to bed?


At this point, she could plausibly say she's confused. Were you mad because of the lack of attention? Her going out? Her being on the phone? Her keeping you up when you wanted to sleep? Be clear.

Because that last one is really the only reasonable one if it's a rare occurrence (as you say it is).

Just learn, man. If you're feeling ignored, then say you're feeling ignored. If you're annoyed she came home and kept you up, then say so. Don't act hurt that she blew up when you helped light her fuse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I might be a little put off but if it isn't often, I wouldn't sweat it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Talk2Me said:


> Last night my g/f worked until 7:30 and then went out with her best friend for dinner and got home at 10:30. No big deal as she does this 2-4 times per month and it's never an issue. Last night she gets home at 10:30 and then is glued to her phone messaging her other friend until 11:45 ignoring me. I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. She tried cuddling with me and I told her I was all set and that I was upset because she didn't even give me 5 minutes the entire day nor did she ever even ask how my day was. She blew up at me saying she won't ever go out with her friends again as it's always causing issues. (it doesn't and has only one time because she was switching jobs last year and was gone for an ENTIRE week so I finally got pissed) She said I was being controlling and that she won't live under those conditions. I laughed and said it was always a double standard and went to sleep. This morning I left and didn't really say anything. She's messaged me and I've barely responded. Am I wrong for being upset and expecting that when she gets home late she can put her phone away and spend some time with me before we go to bed?


You're right for being upset. I would feel the same as you. 

Having my SO stay all night with phone, even after being out with friends and not giving me any quality time - would make me feel as if I was not there. 

I hate it when people stay glued to their phones all the time, especially if I haven't met them throghout the day (SO - specifically). 

I don't blame you! 

If it happens rarely that she acts this way, no biggie but if she does this often, I'd spea up and would let her know that it would bother me big time!


*ETA: *Totally totally normal to expect to dedicate each other time after a long day at work or somewhere else. it's about quality time, it's about bonding and technology should be turned off.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I’m not sure I grasp your anger. You admit this isn’t normally a problem until the other night. You say this isn’t a normal occurrence, as it is 2-4 times a month. Then there was a week a year ago where you were really angry. 

So, what really bothered you and made you get so angry this time? 

Sorry, your very specific times means you were seething with anger. I get being annoyed, but the passive aggressive sleep comments and ignoring texts makes it seem like there is more. Her reaction feels like you’ve had this fight before.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP has been banned. Thread is now closed.


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