# How do you convince a spouse who needs therapy to seek counseling?



## love4good (6 mo ago)

My wife is an amazing, talented, beautiful woman. Early on in our marriage I was fairly convinced she was bipolar. Over the years that has settled into a constant unhealthy level of anxiety, stress, depression, and anger.

I cannot get her to even schedule a thirty minute online therapy visit. I myself have gone for a period of six months to deal with my own anxiety and depression (mostly caused by our relationship).

Her father is on lifelong medication for his mental health issues (her parents won't elaborate). Even knowing that, and having the same black and white view of the world and same tendency to fly off into aggressive rages, she won't seek help.

What else can I do?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You can’t make / convince her to get help.

All you can do is set your expectations and boundaries with your wife.
If her behavior is unacceptable to you, then you respond accordingly. 
You get what you tolerate.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sadly you can’t force someone to get help, and if you could it wouldn’t work anyway.

You do NOT have to tolerate her abusive behavior. I’m not generally a fan of ultimatums, but telling her you’re sick of her nonsense and she gets help or you will have to leave for your own mental health is appropriate in this case. You can’t let her wreck you, at some point enough is enough.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m not generally a fan of ultimatums, but telling her you’re sick of her nonsense and she gets help or you will have to leave for your own mental health is appropriate in this case.


Yeah. You might be able to say it a bit more nicely than that, but it has to be said. 

What words would she agree to about her mental state? Eg "anxiety", "anger", "stress"? Or is she like "I'm fine"?

What did you say to her about the reasons _you _went for therapy?

Whatever you say, she is likely to hear it as an attack. You will need to avoid "pushing". I can only imagine she's pretty afraid that she's got whatever her father's got. I'd recommend you stay away from clinical labels like "bipolar".


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

In a nutshell, behaving that way, knowing you have a past of behaving that way, is down right abusive when it’s causing the other spouse their own issues from tolerating such break downs. 

As many others have said, you cannot force her to do anything. You only can set boundaries and you do in fact get what you tolerate. Been there.

Now my husband wasn’t bipolar, but he was mentally and verbally abusive and it was caused by issues he would not address, not me. I was merely the scapegoat. I could t force him to do anything and he passed in March via a self inflicted gsw. Now that’s not saying AT ALL that it replayed to your situation. My point is, there is nothing YOU can do, but set those limits and don’t back down. The ball is in her court.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She has to finally hit a wall and decide it is time to seek help. My wife has had issues for a very long time. We met in 1991 and I began to notice problems in the first year of our relationship.She denied having mental illness until it started to affect her job in 2018. She still didn't seek help until mid 2019. She's been a different person since beginning medication.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

First you have to understand that she is terrified of being labeled. There is still a stigma around mental heath issues.

Second she doesn't think what she is feeling, experiencing & living is abnormal. It's all she knows so it's normal to her. Normal doesn't need help. 

Can you talk to her parents? Maybe they can encourage her. Another option may be for you to ask her primary doctor to encourage her. 

I'd maybe start talking about the general benefits of mental health care. In getting help for your issues, you are leading my example


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I was married twelve years. Very early on in our marriage I discovered my Ex suffered from depression. At first it was just lying around the house. Then it was "you take care of the baby", then it was staying home from work for a week, then a couple of weeks, then a month. She avoided going out, even for family and friends. I recall times we missed my moms Mothers day, or Christmas. She would stay in for months at a time.

She would get better for a time, then fall back into that behavior... not always to the extreme, but nevertheless, she was suffering.

I loved her dearly... but I did nothing. I enabled her. I resented her at times, and did what she wanted me to do anyway. 

My advice... Man up. Get her help, whether she wants it or not. Don't call family or friends, call a therapist, get her in the car, kicking or screaming, and get her help. If you don't, the depression not only will destroy her, but take you with her. They cannot beat it on their own... letting it just "run its course" will kill both of you.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sadly you can’t force someone to get help, and if you could it wouldn’t work anyway.


I've always appreciated TexasMom and her advice.. but I have to disagree. Sickness and health means when your spouse is suffering you get her help. If there is any love in that marriage eventually the spouse gets it. If they don't, then they don't understand what a marriage is. As the person who is trying to help, you're trying to save her and your marriage.



D0nnivain said:


> Can you talk to her parents?


I wouldn't recommend this. Parents are sometimes the root cause of the depression. There are parents out there that don't believe someone could be depressed and because it is their child, many times placate the spouse. As an example, if the father were an alcoholic, you really think he would advocate for a therapist? You also have the microscope thrown on you. "What is he doing to her?". You no doubt will take heat all around, especially from your spouse, because initially she or he will be in denial. 

Get help... professional help. Do it now, or this will be an issue that could eventually take your marriage or relationship.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

love4good said:


> My wife is an amazing, talented, beautiful woman. Early on in our marriage I was fairly convinced she was bipolar. Over the years that has settled into a constant unhealthy level of anxiety, stress, depression, and anger.
> 
> I cannot get her to even schedule a thirty minute online therapy visit. I myself have gone for a period of six months to deal with my own anxiety and depression (mostly caused by our relationship).
> 
> ...


Have you told her the anger issues concern and bother you? Early on in my marriage, my wife threw things at me and pushed/hit me on two occasions. I told her very calmly it needed to stop or we were done. It did stop, but the anger manifested in other ways...mostly a very negative attitude and outlook.


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