# Bloody Inlaws!! Gah!!



## frusdil

I told my husband this morning I am officially done with my inlaws. I'm sick and tired of being treated like something they stepped in, and like I'm "less than". I'm bloody well not and they can take a long walk off a short bloody bridge. I've told him that I won't be going to their house anymore (I would NEVER say that he can't go), there'll be no more dinner invites over here, no holiday visits, nothin'. I also said I'd rather that they didn't come here, but if they do I'm happy to go out until they've left. 

There's been a few things that have led up to this but two specific instances that occurred in the last few weeks. The latest being this weekend just gone tipped the scales for me and I am now officially done. Unfortunately, my husband now has the exact same situation he had with his first wife - courtesy of his parents.

Of the two specific instances mentioned above, the first was a few weeks ago, we were at their place for lunch with the little person. Hubby took the little person for a walk down to the beach and in the interests of trying to build a relationship with them, I stayed at the inlaws. Well, I kid you not, the MINUTE hubby and (step)daughter left, FIL left the room and didn't return until he heard hubby's voice again - over an hour! MIL and I chatted a bit, the phone rang, she answered it - and proceeded to have a long (at least half an hour) conversation. She ended the call when hubby and daughter returned.

Last Saturday night, we had the family over as it was hubby's birthday yesterday. MIL & FIL ignored the invite, which was sent twice - I had to ask hubby to check that they got it, which they did (that's not the issue btw, I was like, whatever and hoping they wouldn't come). While they were here, both MIL and FIL exuded disapproval the entire time - the food, what I was wearing, what the little person was drinking, my mum's hair, my bro's new girlfriend...everything. FIL was particularly dismissive of me and barely spoke to me. Even hubby noticed. My bro's new girlfriend who met us all for the first time even noticed!! When they drove off hubby exhaled and said "Thank God they're gone. Now it's just your mum, you and daughter...I can relax now".

They came back Sunday to pick up something they left behind and FIL was no better. I offered them a cup of tea and was refused - when hubby came in not 5 minutes later and offered them one they accepted. FFS!!!!

I saw my mum yesterday and she was so upset at the way I was treated, she said the way they were behaving reminded her of our wedding. The entire day they were obviously not happy and their whole attitude to the engagement and the wedding was pretty bad - hubby is still hurting from that. 

Over brekky this morning hubby asked how I was feeling and I said I honestly was feeling better and like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I said that I've finally accepted that I'll never have a good relationship with them, they just don't like me and that's on them, I can't do anymore than I have, and that I'm done trying.

So over it. They can get stuffed.


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## Cynthia

It sounds like they are not interested in having a relationship with you. You have done your best. Time to shake the dust off your feet and not feel badly about it.


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## WindowToMyHeart

My husband and my parents are the same way, which pisses me off. When he and I was dating, they would talk crap behind his back. They would say things like he was nothing but a whiny mama's boy, and they would make fun of his weight. They would also put down my in-laws, and say stuff like they were hicks and that they were uneducated. Like you, my husband has pretty much written them off (well my mother since she has been the one who has been perpetrating a lot of it). He knows that he and my mom will never have a relationship, and he's totally okay with it, because he despises her. Who would blame him, right? 

I am curious to know, if you don't mind: are his parents controlling? Are his parents dependent on him? If so, they may just be pissed that they aren't #1 in their son's life anymore, and it's jealousy. I know that mine are super jealous of my husband. My husband has taken me from a controlling household, and helping me recover from all of it. He is trying to make me make more decisions, and to be comfortable doing so. I don't know what I would do without him. 

But if they are going to be that way, it's probably for the best that you just don't speak to them. I am glad that you are still allowing him to have a relationship with them. But watch and see if they are being controlling. If so, help him take steps for his parents to exert their control on him.


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## Omego

frusdil said:


> So over it. They can get stuffed.


Good for you! People like this thrive on the irritation they cause to others. Don't even deign to explain why you are not dealing with them anymore. Ignore them completely.

So glad your H is on board with your decision!


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## frusdil

WindowToMyHeart said:


> I am curious to know, if you don't mind: are his parents controlling? Are his parents dependent on him?


Controlling yes, dependent, no.

I said once to my hubby that his parents (mother mainly) dream would be for him, his sister and his daughter to move back to live with them, and then she could monitor and control everything they do.

Hubby and I talked further about this lastnight, we communicate very well together and are very respectful of each others thoughts and feelings. He said that he himself felt extremely uncomfortable on Saturday night - in OUR home! Because of his parents. He said that the rest of us would have had such a great night if "those two weren't there".

In terms of my "allowing" him to go see them, I've said many times on here that a spouse is not a parent and cannot tell their spouse what to do, or give permission as such. I wouldn't ever tell my husband he could or couldn't do something.

I did however give him feedback from a couple of my trusted friends who said that his silence (not saying something to his parents) makes him complicit in what they're doing. I did also say that I was torn, because on the one hand I don't want to stop him seeing them, but on the other hand if I don't go and he does, he's making a choice, and it's not me. I also said that if he chooses not to go spend time with them, he needs to make it crystal clear to them that that is HIS choice and not me telling him not to.

Don't know how I feel about that...I guess it will take some time to navigate this. Hubby said he feels sad for me, but I said not to because I'm not sad, lol. Their opinion of me means nothing to me at all, couldn't care less.

I do feel sad for him. And I do feel sad that the future I'd imagined for our family - a large, extended, supportive family that spends time together regularly and is close - won't happen now, but that's the vision not the people if that makes sense.

He will speak to them and let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable, and we agreed that he would do it the next time his mum rings us.


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## frusdil

UPDATE: MIL just called for the first time since last weekend. She did her usual "it's a shame we didn't see you on your birthday" manipulation...as I suspected would happen hubby said nothing.

I said to him "I knew this would happen. They get to treat me like s hit and you're right on board with them. Your silence makes you complicit in their behaviour".

I'm very upset. This just happened in the last 10 minutes. going to pick up my stepdaughter from camp, take her to her mum and then perhaps see a movie on my own. I don't think I could control my anger at this point with hubby and don't want to say anything that I can't take back.

I tell you what, if my parents EVER treated my husband the way his treat me, they would be under no illusions as to how angry I was at the way my husband was disrespected.

I clearly can't expect the same from my husband.

Grrrr.


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## Omego

I understand you. But some men just want to avoid conflict and think women are being over-sensitive (which we are not, of course!)

It's disappointing that he did not do what he said he would do. Can you ask him if he wouldn't mind saying something the next time she calls?

You're very patient. You have the right not to hold your tongue however. You CAN say exactly what you think, as long as you manage to stay calm.

If worse comes to worse, YOU can tell your MIL yourself that you don't appreciate her disrespectful behavior and that it is not acceptable. Simple is that. When she comes crying to him saying you said such and such, see how he reacts.

Good luck.


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## Abc123wife

This is so sad when in laws treat their son's wife (or daughter's husband) badly. Do they not realize that they are losing out on getting even more love, attention, and time with all of you if they could just be kind and accepting of you? 

My in-laws have always treated me very well and I love them like a second set of parents and they love me like another daughter. My MIL always says "love you" when I talk with her on the phone. In-laws can double the love and attention instead of losing out on what they started out with from just their child. 

Your in laws may want to be reminded that no sane man will chose their mother (and/or father) over his wife!


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## Omego

Abc123wife said:


> This is so sad when in laws treat their son's wife (or daughter's husband) badly. Do they not realize that they are losing out on getting even more love, attention, and time with all of you if they could just be kind and accepting of you?
> 
> Your in laws may want to be reminded that no sane man will chose their mother (and/or father) over his wife!



Sadly, many MILs do not want to share their sons with anyone. And sometimes, the husbands feel torn between loyalty to their mothers (who manipulate them and guilt them into taking sides) and their wives..... Of course every situation is different, but I've often seen the daughter-in-law start out with the best of intentions, only to be constantly stressed and undermined by the MIL.


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## Abc123wife

Omego said:


> Sadly, many MILs do not want to share their sons with anyone. And sometimes, the husbands feel torn between loyalty to their mothers (who manipulate them and guilt them into taking sides) and their wives..... Of course every situation is different, but I've often seen the daughter-in-law start out with the best of intentions, only to be constantly stressed and undermined by the MIL.


Yes, I agree and I have seen MILs like that. There was a crazy one on Dr. Phil that I could never put up with. Here is a link to one (not the one I was thinking of but just as bad):
Dr. Phil.com - Shows - Toxic and Offensive In-Laws

I hope I am never get so possessive of my sons (3 of them) to act like that. I actually look forward to having more females around once my sons get older and ready to marry. I have just one daughter and I know I won't probably get to be as close to DILs as to my only daughter but I can hope and welcome them completely into the family.

But there are MILs that do not think that way and never will. I don't know if anyone/anything can change crazy people like that.


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## 6301

My aunt was like that with her oldest son and from the time he got married she did nothing but complain about his wife and his wife would biter her lip and keep peace.

Finally the only to keep peace was he would visit his mother and keep the conversation to basically yes or no answers and never add anything to feed the fire. 

He did tell his mother that her attitude towards his wife was really sh-tty and it would go in one ear and out the other. They just kept contact with her to the minimum and let her stew in her own anger.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Abc123wife said:


> Your in laws may want to be reminded that *no sane man will chose their mother *(and/or father) *over his wife*!


And yet **this** is exactly what frusdil's husband has done...TWICE! He has allowed his parents ugly, negative, self-involved, insulting behavior to run off TWO of his wives! Wow! His parents are some selfish and ugly people!

And he is an immature husband who cannot cut his apron strings with his parents! 

*frusdil*: do you and your husband owe your in-laws any money?

*If yes:* Go to the bank, get a loan, pay them off and be done! Then see below.

*If no:* ask your husband:

How do you think this makes me feel when your parents act rudely and disrespectfully to me IN FRONT OF YOU and you do NOTHING?
How do you think this makes me look as an adult to step-daughter?
What do you think your unwillingness to stand up for what's right to your parents is teaching your daughter? 
What kind of man are you showing your daughter she should want to marry?
What kind of abuse are you setting your daughter up to take as 'normal' behavior in her OWN personal relationships?
Ask your husband what is the WORST thing he can envision if he manned-up and stood up to his parents LIKE AN ADULT instead of acquiescing like a child? What is the VERY WORST scenario he can envision? That they will be angry with him and won't "love" him any move? Please point out that love that is that "conditional" is mighty poor "love" in the first place. Would he prefer that "conditional" love over YOUR love and his daughter's RESPECT?


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## turnera

frusdil said:


> I clearly can't expect the same from my husband.
> 
> Grrrr.


Sure you can. How you go about getting that to happen is more complicated.


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## frusdil

No, we don't owe them any money, lol  I'd starve before I'd ask them for anything.

I've calmed down a lot since my last post, hehe  I do feel for my hubby...my family is very easy...we just go with the flow, no one chucks a tanty if they don't get their own way, stuff just happens. My hubby loves my family and they love him.

His family is complete opposite of mine, lol. Very difficult, want what they want and won't budge an inch. If we stand our ground there's sulking, disapproval...it's pathetic. 

I think if he stood up to them directly they'd probably wipe the floor with him. I think a lot of the way he is with them is self protection. He's grown up being constantly criticised and nit picked and he just shuts down. It's how he copes. I can't fault him for that - at least he didn't turn out like them!!

They really are a miserable pair. I wish they'd move far away, lol. His sister's not much better. An old maid who runs to mummy and daddy and tells them everything. Hubby can't even trust his own sister to keep his confidence 

He does have my back in the sense that he knows exactly what they're like, and understands and supports my decision to not spend time with them anymore.


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## turnera

frusdil said:


> I think if he stood up to them directly they'd probably wipe the floor with him. I think a lot of the way he is with them is self protection. He's grown up being constantly criticised and nit picked and he just shuts down. It's how he copes.


Which is why, as you can see, he REALLY REALLY needs to be in therapy. He is repressed, he is secretly unhappy, he feels worthless, and he craves their love and approval. VERY hard to overcome all that without therapy.

Think about it. It would really help him to be happier. And a bonus would be that he would be able to protect you against them.


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## jld

I was ready to be done with my in-laws before dh was, but he finally got there. What a gift to me that day was.

He speaks to them now, years later. Our kids go there on vacations. 

I go there when there is absolutely no other possible choice. Once in the last 8 years.


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## frusdil

He tried therapy to resolve the problem with his first wife. I want to be clear, the problem was his parents, NOT his first wife - for me to say that is pretty significant. If I was her I wouldn't have allowed them to see their grandaughter - if they hate me that much, what are they going to say to and how are they going to treat their grandaughter?

Therapy didn't go well, his mum went, she's a highly critical person so didn't react well to being told that she played a part in the problems. She stormed out and never went back.

Hubby says it didn't work but I beg to differ. Back then, he was told via the sister that it was too much for their mum to have his wife there for their weekly family dinners, so could he please go on his own - can you believe he did??? Wtf??? That's how much power they had over him then.

If they said that now about me, he wouldn't go either. I don't think they'd dare actually come out and say it.

The easiest thing would be if they moved interstate, hehe...I can dream can't I?


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## jld

So he literally got divorced because his parents did not like his first wife?


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## frusdil

No, I don't think so...him and his ex wife are polar opposites and wouldn't have worked long term anyway...it was a pretty fiery, volatile marriage from what I've heard. 

I have no doubt that his parents attitude contributed to it in terms of her resentment at his lack of action though...he said to me that he learnt some valuable lessons from that experience, and I said that his ex wife paid a very heavy price for him to learn those lessons


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## Cynthia

This is really sad. It sounds like your husband could use some individual therapy to learn how to cope with his parents terrible treatment of him and his family. This is unacceptable behavior on their part. If your husband can become strong enough to cut ties with them, that would probably do everyone a lot of good.


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## Omego

CynthiaDe said:


> This is really sad. It sounds like your husband could use some individual therapy to learn how to cope with his parents terrible treatment of him and his family. This is unacceptable behavior on their part. If your husband can become strong enough to cut ties with them, that would probably do everyone a lot of good.


:iagree: I cannot believe that the sister said that it was too much for the mother to have her daughter-in-law over. 

Luckily they don't dare with you. They have probably understood that you simply will not put up with it! Keep reinforcing this message otherwise they will walk all over you!


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## frusdil

Omego said:


> :iagree: I cannot believe that the sister said that it was too much for the mother to have her daughter-in-law over.
> 
> Luckily they don't dare with you. They have probably understood that you simply will not put up with it! Keep reinforcing this message otherwise they will walk all over you!


Oh his sister is a piece of work too...under the guise of trying to keep the peace of course. She would have been relaying that message on behalf of her mum.

One day hubby and I were out for a drive and his mobile phone rang so I answered it (he was driving)...it was his sister. She was just calling to remind hubby that "he never got mum a birthday present". 

Um...this was in FEBRUARY. Her birthday was the previous July. My dad DIED at the same time!!!!! I pointed that out to her and she said "Oh I know, it slipped off his radar but he needs to sort it out now".

What. The. F?????

Ironically, hubby and I had been talking about how we'd better get her something and blah blah and then the call came. I was furious and said to hubby "she's not getting a f'n thing now!!".

They would have been talking about it, MIL would have mentioned it so SIL decided to take it upon herself to contact hubby.

These people are really something else.


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## Cynthia

It's not a gift if it is a requirement.


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## sh987

I'll defend your husband, frusdil, without excusing him.

-Your husbands parents know every single button to push on him. When and how to do it, what will work to the exact effect they like, etc. They can crank up the FOG and leave him like a little boy.
-I don't know about how you two have tried to tackle it, but I think a pretty common thing is:

a] MIL does something rude to wife.
b] Wife tells her husband to do something about it.
c] Husband goes to Mom to ask her to please not do that again. After all, he wants to keep having sex and have general peace in his life.
d] MIL knows exactly who that directive is from: her DIL, and will never give in to this tactic. There's no way in the world she sees this interloper as having more power over her.

No matter what, by engaging in that power struggle, the wife has set herself up to lose over and over again. Each woman is attempting to manipulate the husband into getting what they want from him. Mom wants his loyalty, and wife wants protection. Each feels completely justified in what they want.

Only the wife is in the right, but she'll lose if she sends him over there to repeat what she wants.


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## Pandakiss

I'm very sorry you are having to put up with childish parents who don't know to let go. My mil is a piece of work. Guilt trips silent treatments talking about you behind your back.....

My husband didn't say anything to his mom either. We only visited her, thank god and she would push all his buttons. He would just say oh would you look at the time we gotta go see ya. 

I really don't know how he had the patience to stay humble. She has been completely cut out of our lives now. I think he would have done it sooner. Too bad she's a b!ch and never noticed if was the one calling her taking the time to visit and have conversations with her. 

It was always my idea to spend holidays with her and the rest of the family, which actually really liked me and my kids. 

I noticed he didn't really talk to his mom even if we was sitting in the same room with her. We had a conversation about her and I asked him how he could be so calm when she did things, he shrugged and said what would be the point. She isn't going to change or ever own her sh!t. It would be like arguing with a brick wall. Years removed from it, it wouldn't have mattered what he said. She was going to do what she did best which was guilt trip and use your words against you and lie to the rest of the family about the "real facts" of the event. Then go into silent treatment which is really dumb since we didn't live with her or near her. We relied on her for nothing. 

So how do you make a grown person understand they are hurting their child and the person they married??? Simple you don't. These people are masters at head games. They know just who to cry to, to make you look like the bad guy. They will twist everything said so they are the innocent party and you two are just mean ogres taking advantage of their kindness and generosity. 

Just cut them off. Limit phone calls, unfriend them on Facebook (if it applys), don't let them visit anymore and visit them for a quick hi and bye. Then just stop calling, stop visiting when they call don't answer. I used to not answer call right back and say I can't talk right now, but I saw you called, I will call you later. Of course I didn't.


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## Omego

Pandakiss said:


> Just cut them off. Limit phone calls, unfriend them on Facebook (if it applys), don't let them visit anymore and visit them for a quick hi and bye. Then just stop calling, stop visiting when they call don't answer. I used to not answer call right back and say I can't talk right now, but I saw you called, I will call you later. Of course I didn't.


YES! Great advice for Frusdil's situation. And, oh, as noted in one of the previous posts, Frusdil will probably have to end up telling the MIL off herself one day.....


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## Bobby5000

I disagree. There's nothing worse for a man than being in between a mom and wife and having them both argue. You can certainly limit time, a couple of times a month, and let your husband see them separately. When you see them, you act cordially. Bring your iphone. Next time the inlaws ignore you, get on your phone or computer, do your thing, and wait for your husband to return. 

Guess what men don't get to choose their mothers and don't get to train them. And don't want to work 60 hours a week at demanding jobs, and have our wife complain about our mother, the mother complain about the wife. If your husband is nice, be cordial to your inlaws and no more. Don't get fooled in thinking there is a relationship, keep your cool and don't worry too much about what they think. When the time comes, you may decide to move and if they don't get to see the grandkids because they're 7 hours away, you say in your best fake voice, oh that's too bad, but we'd love to see you when we can.


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## frusdil

No offence Bobby but I read your other post on the other thread and you my dear, are a mummy's boy.

A man puts his wife first. Not his mother.

If mum and wife don't get along, a smart man sides with his wife. Every time.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Bobby5000

No offence Bobby but I read your other post on the other thread and you my dear, are a mummy's boy. A man puts his wife first. Not his mother. If mum and wife don't get along, a smart man sides with his wife. Every time.

Nope, a smart man marries a woman who does not want to make a house a warzone, and who has the discipline to maintain cordial relationships. My wife has good self-discipline. As a result, when her mother became ill, she asked me if she could live in our house and I said yes and she lived her through significant illnesses for 4 years. Part of a marriage is being flexible and dealing with different people and styles. 

Let's be clear, these tough in-laws do not simply straighten out and follow new rules.


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## Omego

frusdil said:


> If mum and wife don't get along, a smart man sides with his wife. Every time.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Yes. This. ^^^^

And @ Bobby5000, true there is no point in having the mother and the DIL argue all of the time. That's why there should be as little contact as necessary between the two. And in a lot of cases, there is no arguing. The MIL exhibits aggressive or passive aggressive, behavior and the DIL is too polite to respond, but becomes justifiably resentful. 

Limited contact = Problem solved!


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## frusdil

Bobby5000 said:


> Nope, a smart man marries a woman who does not want to make a house a warzone, and who has the discipline to maintain cordial relationships. My wife has good self-discipline. As a result, when her mother became ill, she asked me if she could live in our house and I said yes and she lived her through significant illnesses for 4 years. Part of a marriage is being flexible and dealing with different people and styles.
> 
> Let's be clear, these tough in-laws do not simply straighten out and follow new rules.


No DIL wants a warzone. And no DIL should have to put up with intrusive, critical, nosy, overbearing inlaws sticking their noses into things that are NONE of their business.

I have been NOTHING but polite and respectful of these miserable people, simply because I love my husband - he acknowledges this, and knows the problem is them. NOT ME. 

I have reached my limit because of THEIR appalling conduct and as a result they will never set foot in our home again. Hubby is welcome to see them, but not in our home. The most they'll get with him now is the odd catch up because on big holidays I expect him to be home with his FAMILY - me and his daughter - for meals.


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## AliceA

I can completely understand where you are coming from Frusdil. I have had to cut off contact with my MIL, not because I hate her or couldn't forgive her, but because I won't keep sticking my hand into a flame and expect to not get burned.

I tried and tried to open my heart to my MIL, make her feel loved and welcome, but little did I know that every little misunderstanding, everything she considered a transgression was stored away to be used against me later. Then one day the dam burst. If I swept it under the rug, it'd just all happen again and again.

Bobby is right on one thing; these people don't straighten out, and they have their own rules. At some point it's just better to cut them off because they won't change, and they delight in trying to come between a married couple, to constantly cause trouble; they're not worth the effort.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

turnera said:


> Which is why, as you can see, he REALLY REALLY needs to be in therapy. He is repressed, he is secretly unhappy, he feels worthless, and he craves their love and approval. VERY hard to overcome all that without therapy.
> 
> Think about it. It would really help him to be happier. And a bonus would be that he would be able to protect you against them.


:iagree: My parents were sexist and abusive growing up. Therapy helped me get past all of the damage done. I still have bad days, but I am no longer acting out. 

Frusdil, I feel your pain. My MIL is 50 Shades of Crazy. One minute she is loving and pleasant, the next minute she makes rude and insulting comments. I am so glad that we live far away. I will no longer stay at her home when we visit because I am tired of my MIL's name calling and pointing out my flaws. 

Your husband will need to learn to be assertive. He cannot control what his parents do, but your husband can set boundaries and stand up for his wife. There comes a point where biting your tongue doesn't work anymore. It is one thing to let some snide remarks pass; quite another to put up with constant disrespect.


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