# I cheated on my wife, not sure she can forgive me or even is willing to try.



## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

She’s 25, I’m 26. We’ve been together for almost 5 years and just recently got married about 5 months ago. About two years into our relationships my wife’s depression got really bad to the point where she only got out of bed to go to the bathroom....for months, being 22/23 at the time I made a horrible decision and slept with an old fling. I told her the next day. She eventually decided to give me another chance.

We have both been depressed recently and she has also been dealing with her childhood trauma, and severe depression.
Shortly after we got married she needed me to sleep in the other bedroom due to her trauma, having another man in bed with her would trigger her. I was fine with this and also caught COVID around that time to. Well with COVID and her being bedridden again, I got bored one night and we got in a fight and I started dming “Instagram girls.” Lame I know, and I know it was cheating but I really just wanted someone to talk to, I was in no way actually wanting to sleep with anyone, just was in the mood and...

she found out, and we nearly ended it beforeour marriage was even legal.
Fast forward a couple months and I thought we were doing fine, looking into marriage counseling, things seemed to be getting better.

then I found out, by going through the phone bill she was talking to an old friend from school. After confronting here about it, They were sexting and had over 600 minutes on the phone with each other. So again we almost ended it but decided not to because I thought to myself well I kinda got a taste of my own medicine. And that she said that was why she did it, and then after a while she started to enjoy it but also felt guilty.

Shortly after this her depression spiraled, as did mine. And she again could barely accept being touched due to trauma. And I sipped up again and starting messaging girls online. I don’t think she’s going to give me another chance and I can’t blame her if she doesn’t.
I know I need to be a better friend and husband to her especially when’s she’s facing her demons, basically the complete opposite of what I’ve done.


I love this woman so muchI can’t believe I could have ruined everything...and for what? Honestly trying to just remain calm and notfall into my thoughts. I’ve been telling her I love her and cant blame her for anything and it’s all my fault but she’s telling we are DONE.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Do you guys have children?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You "slipped up again"?

What a crock of ****.....own your decisions.

You guys aren't ready to be married. Just split up and then you can sniff around wherever you want.

Problem solved..


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> You "slipped up again"?
> 
> What a crock of ****.....own your decisions.
> 
> ...


You’re right and I’m trying to own up to them, I know this is my fault. But I will do anything I can to make this work, I realize I’m about to lose the love of my life and it’s all my fault. I can’t even imagine how she feels right now.

No kids, though we have tried and just haven’t had any success


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Stop trying for children and part ways. There is no concept of fidelity or loyalty between you both.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Neither of you are mature enough to be married. You have ****y friends too. 

Making things work under normal circumstances is hard, it's even harder when you're immature. I have friends who are clinically depressed and don't drag their marriages through affairs and sexting. These are conscious decisions not brought on by depression or as the result of living with depressed people. That's an excuse. Start telling yourself the truth of why you behave as you do and maybe the truth will guide you in a direction where you can be a better partner to someone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

skrappy0913 said:


> You’re right and I’m trying to own up to them, I know this is my fault. But I will do anything I can to make this work, I realize I’m about to lose the love of my life and it’s all my fault. I can’t even imagine how she feels right now.
> 
> No kids, though we have tried and just haven’t had any success


Just the fact that you call it a slip up tells me you don't really own it.

You're just a poor guy who can't control himself and thus has slip ups.

You made a conscious decision to sniff around elsewhere. Be honest as to why.....that a good start.

And keep this in mind next time you "confront" her about talking to other men. Right now you don't have a lot of room to make demands.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re not ready for marriage and neither is she. No children? Move on and grow up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Even if she decides to stay with you anyway, she'll never trust you or love you the same.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

She says she's done. So show her some respect and acknowledge she's DONE. At this point, I'd suggest you separate. Things may work out, but then again, they may not. Both of you are too depressed and self-absorbed to have a solid marriage.

Again, move out and get into some really serious counseling. And don't embark on another relationship until you learn to have a solid relationship with yourself.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

This is the type of marriage you want?? Sounds stoopid to me...shame on her for staying if she chooses to follow that awful path.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

skrappy0913 said:


> She’s 25, I’m 26. We’ve been together for almost 5 years and just recently got married about 5 months ago. About two years into our relationships my wife’s depression got really bad to the point where she only got out of bed to go to the bathroom....for months, being 22/23 at the time I made a horrible decision and slept with an old fling. I told her the next day. She eventually decided to give me another chance.
> 
> We have both been depressed recently and she has also been dealing with her childhood trauma, and severe depression.
> Shortly after we got married she needed me to sleep in the other bedroom due to her trauma, having another man in bed with her would trigger her. I was fine with this and also caught COVID around that time to. Well with COVID and her being bedridden again, I got bored one night and we got in a fight and I started dming “Instagram girls.” Lame I know, and I know it was cheating but I really just wanted someone to talk to, I was in no way actually wanting to sleep with anyone, just was in the mood and...
> ...


Others here may be quick to condemn or criticize you, but I have a very different take. Gonna be honest, so fasten your seatbelt

You are NOT this girl's psychiatrist, and you are not simply there to provide for her physical comforts. You are not a nurse, a babysitter, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. It doesn't matter what kind of childhood "trauma" she suffered, what kind of biological depression she suffers from, etc. --all that **** is excuse material for being a lousy wife and a complete downer to be around.

Lots of people, including myself, had a traumatic childhood or teenage years. Mine had just about everything: divorce, drug addiction, suicide, political violence, you name it. I am a stronger person because of it. I don't use that history as some kind of crutch or manipulative tool.

You need to stop trying to "save" this girl, and acting like a white knight. She doesn't trust or respect you (making you sleep in another room, openly sexting guys in front of you), and your resentments are growing.

You married the wrong girl. It happens. I dated a girl for 4 years in my 20s, and it looked like it was headed towards marriage. Thank God I didn't marry her, as it would have been a disaster.

Unfortunately for you, you found yourself in too deep, and here you are. 

Guy to guy, you have to stop making excuses for women, and start holding them accountable. You haven't done that.

But you most certainly need to move on from this one. Cut your losses and get your life back.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

If this is only happening after 5 years and both of you are in your mid-20's, that is not a good sign. It seems like the attraction, respect, etc. was never all that strong. You rode the wave that comes with the high of a new relationship but when you got to shore, you started thinking about other things.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Neither of you are ready to be married. You’re both as bad as each other, neither having any concept of what marriage vows mean - and you’ve not even been married 6 months.

You didn’t “slip up”, you made a conscious decision to cheat and followed through with it - more than once. That’s 100% on you.

Your wife also needs to own her choice to cheat, that’s 100% on her. I’m not sure whether she’s getting treated for her depression but if not, she needs to. And counselling to address her childhood trauma. Insisting your husband sleep in another room and then proceeding to sext other men is absolutely outrageous, and she has the hide of a rhino to do it.

For god sake do NOT have children with her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. You need to take ownership of these bad decisions. That doesn’t mean “ I know I was wrong and I’m sorry“ it means recognizing that you are 100% responsible for making poor choices, and then you actually have to exercise the discipline and self control to stop doing it.

2. Why do you want to be with this woman? Not to be mean or insensitive but she sounds like a complete emotional train wreck. As at least one other post mentioned, you are not her shrink. You cannot be her shrink. You do not want to be her shrink. It sounds like there is too much trauma and mental illness for her to be a healthy partner. Some people are just too damaged and you cannot save them. It’s a recipe for a miserable life. You do not want to go through life with a chronically depressed and potentially unstable wife.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

Thanks everyone for being honest, I really appreciate it.

You guys are good, kind of summed up our last year pretty well. She hasn’t had a job in a year now, granted these are rough times due to the virus but the main reasons are her mental health and the fact that I’m nOw making a lot more money than before. Even though We are doing much better financially. I am the one who provides, then when I get home from a 10-12 hr shift, she hasn’t done anything, dishes, cleaned, feed the dogs and cats etc. No excuse for cheating I GET THAT and if I need to hear it more please let it be known. But when her depression hits I have everything on my plate.

I love her cause she really does have the biggest heart, compassion, she’s a free spirit, goofy. But her family has clinical depression history. Also we have been in the process of finding her a therapist/psychiatrist.

Also I’ve always kind of been depressed, but I’ve always been a functioning person. I’m now getting to a point where it’s getting hard to function, I’m starting to struggle to have motivation for work even though I’ve finally got a career started.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dude...you cheat, she cheats, you cheat...grow up. Honor your vows or get out.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you want to be/stay married?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

skrappy0913 said:


> Thanks everyone for being honest, I really appreciate it.
> 
> You guys are good, kind of summed up our last year pretty well. She hasn’t had a job in a year now, granted these are rough times due to the virus but the main reasons are her mental health and the fact that I’m nOw making a lot more money than before. Even though We are doing much better financially. I am the one who provides, then when I get home from a 10-12 hr shift, she hasn’t done anything, dishes, cleaned, feed the dogs and cats etc. No excuse for cheating I GET THAT and if I need to hear it more please let it be known. But when her depression hits I have everything on my plate.
> 
> ...


You don’t have a relationship, you have a torture chamber for two. Get divorced and sext and bang whomever you want until you’re actually ready to get married. Next time find a person who is among the living.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

skrappy0913 said:


> No excuse for cheating I GET THAT and if I need to hear it more please let it be known. But when her depression hits I have everything on my plate.


You’re doing it again. The ‘but’ negates everything you said before it. No excuse for...BUT. That puts your cheating on her and that’s bs.

You’d absolutely be within your rights to end the marriage due to her severe depression, living with a depressed person will suck the life out of you and is much harder on those around them than the person themselves. I feel for you in that regard.

Cheating is never ok. No matter what the circumstance.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You sure handle "in sickness and in health" well  

You both suck as spouses though. Ideally you both learn to be better, together or apart is up to the two of you. 

Either way, you both need to work on your mental health as well. You said you're trying to find her a therapist, what about you? And what about medication? Sounds like you both need it and you don't need a therapist for that.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

skrappy0913 said:


> Thanks everyone for being honest, I really appreciate it.
> 
> You guys are good, kind of summed up our last year pretty well. She hasn’t had a job in a year now, granted these are rough times due to the virus but the main reasons are her mental health and the fact that I’m nOw making a lot more money than before. Even though We are doing much better financially. I am the one who provides, then when I get home from a 10-12 hr shift, she hasn’t done anything, dishes, cleaned, feed the dogs and cats etc. No excuse for cheating I GET THAT and if I need to hear it more please let it be known. But when her depression hits I have everything on my plate.
> 
> ...


You aren't people who cheated because you're depressed, you're both cheaters who may also be depressed.

You say your wife has some good attributes but your post suggests otherwise. I'd say the same for you, you're pulling a lot of weight, so what? That's what men have to do sometimes and if that becomes overwhelming, why haven't you demanded she get help to take some of that load? Both of you seem to rely on cheating to settle the score but I suspect you both just want to cheat. There are healthier ways to deal with marital issues. I'm glad you're reading these responses though I don't think you're understanding them. You need to start telling yourself the truth, both of you. The truth might be ugly and unpleasant, but it's sure as hell preferable to where you're at. 

Marriage is the work of two, loving, invested people. Neither one of you are. You have to do more than say your spouse has good qualities, you have to know it because you experience those qualities.

I mean, why didn't all her good qualities keep you from cheating? _(to reverse your logic) _


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

frusdil said:


> You’re doing it again. The ‘but’ negates everything you said before it. No excuse for...BUT. That puts your cheating on her and that’s bs.
> 
> You’d absolutely be within your rights to end the marriage due to her severe depression, living with a depressed person will suck the life out of you and is much harder on those around them than the person themselves. I feel for you in that regard.
> 
> Cheating is never ok. No matter what the circumstance.


That was what I was trying to say, poor choice of words using “but.”

Im just trying to figure out if this marriage is worth saving, I love her more than anything but we clearly are toxic at this point in life.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You aren't people who cheated because you're depressed, you're both cheaters who may also be depressed.
> 
> You say your wife has some good attributes but your post suggests otherwise. I'd say the same for you, you're pulling a lot of weight, so what? That's what men have to do sometimes and if that becomes overwhelming, why haven't you demanded she get help to take some of that load? Both of you seem to rely on cheating to settle the score but I suspect you both just want to cheat. There are healthier ways to deal with marital issues. I'm glad you're reading these responses though I don't think you're understanding them. You need to start telling yourself the truth, both of you. The truth might be ugly and unpleasant, but it's sure as hell preferable to where you're at.
> 
> ...


I have spoken with her about it. Pretty much along the lines of “I need you to either get a part time job, or help around the house more, help with our pets.” And myself and her family have been trying to get her therapy, psychiatrist, we have been trying to help her. Like I said she’s not to far off from being bedridden. 

As to why I didn’t cheat? I honestly can’t answer that....I wish I could, it’s definitely one of my biggest regrets of my life. I clearly have some soul searching of my own to do. 

And I haven’t spoken to a therapist but I’m planning on getting one. And I’m not prescribed medication, though I have been considering taking that option.

If we decide to stay together, I think we both have to get therapy and medication.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

skrappy0913 said:


> She’s 25, I’m 26. We’ve been together for almost 5 years and just recently got married about 5 months ago. About two years into our relationships my wife’s depression got really bad to the point where she only got out of bed to go to the bathroom....for months, being 22/23 at the time I made a horrible decision and slept with an old fling. I told her the next day. She eventually decided to give me another chance.
> 
> We have both been depressed recently and she has also been dealing with her childhood trauma, and severe depression.
> Shortly after we got married she needed me to sleep in the other bedroom due to her trauma, having another man in bed with her would trigger her. I was fine with this and also caught COVID around that time to. Well with COVID and her being bedridden again, I got bored one night and we got in a fight and I started dming “Instagram girls.” Lame I know, and I know it was cheating but I really just wanted someone to talk to, I was in no way actually wanting to sleep with anyone, just was in the mood and...
> ...


It's so early in your marriage. and it doesn't sound like a good foundation. You both could make a clean break and just divorce. This is going to keep happening every time she gets depressed, you'll go looking for attention elsewhere. Just do both of you a favor and end it.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> It's so early in your marriage. and it doesn't sound like a good foundation. You both could make a clean break and just divorce. This is going to keep happening every time she gets depressed, you'll go looking for attention elsewhere. Just do both of you a favor and end it.


That’s definitely the easier and probably healthier route for both of us. But we got married, “in sickness and health.” We knew are problems and said our vows anyways, part of me and her want to try and stick to that. Though technically an anulment is still on the table. Not trying to contradict my previous sentence just trying to explain where we are at.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

skrappy0913 said:


> That’s definitely the easier and probably healthier route for both of us. But we got married, “in sickness and health.” We knew are problems and said our vows anyways, part of me and her want to try and stick to that. Though technically an anulment is still on the table. Not trying to contradict my previous sentence just trying to explain where we are at.


No no, I totally get it and I commend you for that. But is she actively trying to get help for her ptsd and depression? It's hard to help someone, if they refuse to help themselves.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> No no, I totally get it and I commend you for that. But is she actively trying to get help for her ptsd and depression? It's hard to help someone, if they refuse to help themselves.


Not really. She says she will but backs out every time. She’s even said she needs to be hospitalized a couple times and I’m like, “if that’s what you really need love, let’s go.” And then backs out. Ive been trying and her family had been too. And my company gives 3 free counseling sessions (3 for me, 3 for her) for any type of therapist. I’m hoping that even if we don’t work out that she will take advantage of that and get help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skrappy0913 said:


> Not really. She says she will but backs out every time. She’s even said she needs to be hospitalized a couple times and I’m like, “if that’s what you really need love, let’s go.” And then backs out. Ive been trying and her family had been too. And my company gives 3 free counseling sessions (3 for me, 3 for her) for any type of therapist. I’m hoping that even if we don’t work out that she will take advantage of that and get help.


I would also suggest counselling as a couple, if that's an option. There are some subsidised or free options for counselling.

It always bewilders me that some people do not "get" how difficult it can be for the spouse of a mentally ill person to cope. Sometimes the spouse crumbles and develops mental health issues, too.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I would also suggest counselling as a couple, if that's an option. There are some subsidised or free options for counselling.
> 
> It always bewilders me that some people do not "get" how difficult it can be for the spouse of a mentally ill person to cope. Sometimes the spouse crumbles and develops mental health issues, too.


I’ve suggested it but she’s said she needs to focus on herself. I’ll suggest it next time we talk and see what she thinks.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

skrappy0913 said:


> That was what I was trying to say, poor choice of words using “but.”
> 
> Im just trying to figure out if this marriage is worth saving, I love her more than anything but we clearly are toxic at this point in life.


Yep, those buts get in my way, too, three, for the life of me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

skrappy0913 said:


> That was what I was trying to say, poor choice of words using “but.”
> 
> Im just trying to figure out if this marriage is worth saving, I love her more than anything but we clearly are toxic at this point in life.





MattMatt said:


> I would also suggest counselling as a couple, if that's an option. There are some subsidised or free options for counselling.
> 
> It always bewilders me that some people do not "get" how difficult it can be for the spouse of a mentally ill person to cope. Sometimes the spouse crumbles and develops mental health issues, too.


Yes, that is sometimes Fate's intended outcome.

When two aura's mingle and merge, the resultant color is anything but pure.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

skrappy0913 said:


> That’s definitely the easier and probably healthier route for both of us. But we got married, “in sickness and health.” We knew are problems and said our vows anyways, part of me and her want to try and stick to that. Though technically an anulment is still on the table. Not trying to contradict my previous sentence just trying to explain where we are at.


Do you find any irony in the fact you are clinging to the one and only vow that remains unbroken, yet all the others you both have broken repeatedly? 

Vows... plural. You don’t cherry pick which ones are worth following through on.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Do you find any irony in the fact you are clinging to the one and only vow that remains unbroken, yet all the others you both have broken repeatedly?
> 
> Vows... plural. You don’t cherry pick which ones are worth following through on.


You got me there


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

skrappy0913 said:


> Not really. She says she will but backs out every time. She’s even said she needs to be hospitalized a couple times and I’m like, “if that’s what you really need love, let’s go.” And then backs out. Ive been trying and her family had been too. And my company gives 3 free counseling sessions (3 for me, 3 for her) for any type of therapist. I’m hoping that even if we don’t work out that she will take advantage of that and get help.


I hope she does too. It's sad when they have no motivation to even help themselves.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

skrappy0913 said:


> You’re right and I’m trying to own up to them, I know this is my fault. But I will do anything I can to make this work, I realize I’m about to lose the love of my life and it’s all my fault. I can’t even imagine how she feels right now.
> 
> No kids, though we have tried and just haven’t had any success
> [/QUote
> thank god you have no kids. Your wife has depression, you are a serial cheater. Do the right thing and end this charade. Be honest with yourself. If your wife was really the ‘love of your life’ you wouldn’t cheat on her.you are no good for each other.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dude! Wake up. This is nuts. You should have never gotten married in the first place.

You shouldn’t have even been dating exclusively.

And you definitely should not have yoked yourself to a train wreck with all these problems. 

Your issue here not telling some Instagram chick she has a great bikini body, your issue is you committed to soon to a chick with a laundry list of problems and is basically a nonfunctional human being let alone a crappy mate. 

You were naive and dumb at a young age and yoked yourself to the first chick that gave you the time of day because you were afraid this was your one and only chance.

You bought the junker car from the salvage shop because it was all you thought you could afford and thought if you could fix a few widgets and gizmos and put a couple coats of wax on it you could shine it up and have it running like a top with a low initial investment.

But no matter how much you try to shine it up, it is still a junker. 

But while you’ve been dumping time, monkey and energy into trying to get this junker on the road, you’ve been growing and developing and becoming more marketable and more resources.

In other words you have been becoming more attractive and getting more options and opportunities. 

You don’t have to settle for the junker. You can now afford a car than runs and operates as it should. 

Sell the junker back to the salvage lot for $500 and consider it a cheap lesson in life. 

Develop yourself more as a young man. Get out and live your own life to the fullest. Don’t date exclusivity or try to remarry or find an exclusive girlfriend for several years.

Spin plates, hook up and have fun if you want. But do things that develop and better yourself. 

Get some fun and healthy hobbies. Take some classes and get some professional credentials. Eat right and exercise and develop your strength and fitness.

Get out and do things with your buddies. 

Get away from the screen and do things in the real world with real people and not self-absorbed instagram chicks and don’t spank to internet porn. 

Hook up with real chicks in the real world if you but don’t get suckered in to committed or exclusive relationship again for a long time. You’ve hopefully already learned your lesson there. 

Let her go so she can get the help she needs and the life she wants, and you get out and develop yourself as a man and live the best life you can.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And for the love of all that’s right and Holy in this world DO NOT KNOCK HER UP!!

Jezus Christ man pull your head out of your arse and straighten yourself out here!

I’m going to assume that you have grown up in a single-mother household or with some kind of absentee father or lack of male role model or guidence so let me be that gruff and grisly but well meaning uncle — —— get your head out of your azz and grow some balls and some spine and quit being a dumbazz.

Tell her family you are concerned about her and care about her but that you aren’t capable of fixing her and humbly ask them to take her back so she can get the help she needs. 

Fall on your sword and admit you got married too young and for the wrong reasons but that you do care about her.

Divorce her fairly, compassionately and with as little blaming, fighting or conflict as possible. 

Then hit the “reset button” on your life and devote 100% of your energies into developing yourself and creating the best you that you can.

Better yourself. Eat right, no drinking, no drugs, no porn and stop trying to rescue damsels in distress and stay away from train wrecks. 

Exercise. Develop strength and fitness.

Seek knowledge, education and training. 

Wake up in the morning and make your bed (watch that video). Then put some time and effort into looking sharp and appropriately dressed for the occasions in front of you that day.

Develop yourself and be the best you that you can be, and in time women of quality, health and value will be seeking you out and lined up outside your door. 

The good fruit is hanging high up in the tree and you must build yourself in order to get it. Don’t pick the rotten, fallen fruit off the ground again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One more thing, don’t let these finger-pointers sway you by getting on your arse about cheating and don’t let them guilt you into doubling down and being her b!tch even more.

Your mistake was in getting with her and marrying her in the first place and in trying to rebuild the junker.

Yeah, you shouldn’t be wasting time and energy on chicks making duck faces in their bikinis on Instagram, but the real foible here was in getting pulled in by a train wreck and marrying too young in the first place. 

Don’t be a naughty little boy cleaning his plate and picking up his room to get back in mommy’s good graces after he was naughty with the girl in the bikini on the Internet.

Grow up and be a man and make some difficult decisions and take some hard actions that cause discomfort and fix the original error and take the necessary steps that you don’t go from the frying pan into the fire going forward. 

Grow up and be the man and fix the root problem - not the naughty little boy trying to be the good boy so he can get ice cream after supper.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

So I left and went to att with my dad last


oldshirt said:


> One more thing, don’t let these finger-pointers sway you by getting on your arse about cheating and don’t let them guilt you into doubling down and being her b!tch even more.
> 
> Your mistake was in getting with her and marrying her in the first place and in trying to rebuild the junker.
> 
> ...


No I have I good relationship with my father, but my mother is a horrible person I talk to her maybe 2–4 times a year. She’s sucks as a person, I love her but my mother is toxic...
My father warned me about this girl. I didn’t listen, and he let me live and learn, I guess.

I haven’t seen her since this thread began. She’s staying at our home and I’m staying with my father right. Her parents are out of state.

i know it’d be better to let goand do all the things you said, but I just don’t know if that’s what I want, I know itd better for me, but I miss her like crazy, I’m mad at her cause she clearlystill blames me for everything.My heart wants to fix this, my brain says pretty much everything you told me.

Thanks for the tough love. That’s my wife though she’s not a junker she’s been dealt a bad hand and has chose to become a victim instead of being strong. And **** who am I to talk right now, I’m not being strong right now either.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

skrappy0913 said:


> So I left and went to att with my dad last
> 
> 
> No I have I good relationship with my father, but my mother is a horrible person I talk to her maybe 2–4 times a year. She’s sucks as a person, I love her but my mother is toxic...
> My father warned me about this girl. I didn’t listen, and he let me live and learn, I guess.


Ok well there you go. You have some mommy issues and you’ve grown up trying to be the rescuer and white knight saving the damsel in distress. 

Your dad tried to warn you away from the torment he has endured but you thought you’d be a better rescuer. 

Dr Laura Schlesinger has the best assessment of what happens when guys rescue damsels in distress - all they end up with is a distressed damsel on their hands. 

People are going to tell you that life is too short to put up with crap but that is a fallacy. 

Life is too long.

Especially at 26 and you’ve already been dealing with crap and turmoil for years as it is. 

Is this really where you want to be for the next 70 years???? 

And without treatment and without pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, these train wrecks only get worse with time. 

Richard Cooper has a good analogy, there are two types of people that you will encounter in your life - sails and anchors.

Sails lift you up and help take you where you want to go. 

Anchors pull you under. 

Where you go and what you achieve in life will depend in large part whether you associate yourself with sails or with anchors. 

You are the average the 5 people you spend the most time with. Is she who you want effecting your grading scale?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

skrappy0913 said:


> That’s my wife though she’s not a junker she’s been dealt a bad hand and has chose to become a victim instead of being strong. And **** who am I to talk right now, I’m not being strong right now either.


You’ve kind of hit the nail on the head here. 

Some times we are dealt bad hands. 

But it’s how we play those hands that really matter. 

She is choosing to play the hand she was dealt by disassociating from you and laying in bed. 

How you come out of this will be determined by how you play your hand.


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## skrappy0913 (Feb 26, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You’ve kind of hit the nail on the head here.
> 
> Some times we are dealt bad hands.
> 
> ...


I think I want to try to make it work. Hopefully she does to. Nothings official yet obviously. She’s told me she’s scared I’ll let her down again, we both are. However Logic says I shouldn’t try but my heart wants to. Andif she’s willing I will be also


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

skrappy0913 said:


> I think I want to try to make it work. Hopefully she does to. Nothings official yet obviously. She’s told me she’s scared I’ll let her down again, we both are. However Logic says I shouldn’t try but my heart wants to. Andif she’s willing I will be also


You,,, let HER down????

Dude you’re the one trying to etch out a life here and she’s the one laying in bed. 

You need to take a harder look at what’s really taking place here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ok let’s face some facts here. 

She’s barely functioning as an adult human.

She has cut you off from contact and intimacy.

She has been sexting and in Kahoots with an old flame which has a very realistic chance of turning into hook ups.

Where as you writing to bikini models on Instagram has about a 1:2,863,921 chance of anything physical actually happening. 

So the way I see it, SHE is the one that needs to straighten up and pull her head out of her behind and do some real heavy lifting in order for YOU to stick around.

You are a 26 year old employed man. How long do any of think you are going to sit around and wait for some gal to lay around in bed and keep you out of the house before you throw in the towel and go find someone else???

Under those circumstances, it would have taken me about a week or two before pulling the plug.

You may not have had many options as a 20 year old when you met her. But you have waaay better options than that now.

Both you and she are looking at this all wrong. It is she that needs to be doing most of the heavy lifting to step up to the plate and it is you that needs to be laying down the conditions and criteria on what you need in order for you to keep her around.


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