# I've never felt more devastated. Please help!



## FromNY (Aug 9, 2012)

I really need some advice here. For a month I've been constantly on the edge and I feel like if I don't make a decision I'm going to lose it. I'm 24, my husband is 26. Weve been married a year, together for 4. He has dealt with depression/PTSD/anger the entire time, done a few medication changes but nothing really significant. *Despite this we got married. A month later, 2 weeks before we were set to move to another duty station, my mom died. I had a hard time with it but we decided we should still move on schedule. Our first few months were great as a couple. We found out he was slotted to deploy in April (we got there in September), so we held off on me getting a job because I was going to go home. We got a puppy, who became the center of our lives. We sought out an MC for help for me to understand more about his depression/PTSD and the medication side effects. He started changing around his medication a lot, trying to get rid of the more undesirable side effects.

Fast forward to February: I caught him on a dating website. His explanation: while away for training he had helped his friend talk to girls on there and it had been exciting. I didn't believe him, still think it was a cop out excuse. Why put all of your own information out there and look for local women if it was just for excitement? He apologized nonstop, *deleted it and I tried my best to move past it. Little did I know this was only the beginning.

We found out in late March he wasn't deploying, so I immediately started looking for a job. I haven't gone without a full time job since I began working, even when I was going to college full time as well. I searched every day until July and only got one interview. While this was happening, he started a different detail, one that required him to work with female MPs. This wasn't an issue until a month in he started checking my phone and guarding his like his life depended on it. In addition, he began wanting to hang out with friends after work or on his off days. In the 4 years I've known him he hasn't once wanted to do this, so I became suspicious. I checked our phone records, and saw he was texting a number all day every say, except when he was home. He told me his friend, K, was using his wife's phone. *They have related to each other and have become good friends. One day he asked if he could go to K's house after work, it was only them and K's wife but they were going to play video games and he wanted to go alone. I didn't want him to think I was preventing him from having friends, despite my suspicions, so we agreed on a time for him to be heading home. An hour past this time and he was nowhere to be found. No answer to calls or texts, so I called the number. Turns out it was a woman, a girl he works with who wouldn't tell me her name and acted like she had no idea who my husband or K are. It later came out that it was actually a party, K and the woman are "sharing a phone" bc she is K's wife's BFF. He didn't tell me or want me to go bc it wasn't my scene (I don't drink) and I wouldn't want him going if I knew. It also comes out that since K and the OW share a phone, my H talks to her a lot too. Not only did all of this happen, I found out he joined several dating apps, supposedly to see if I was spying on him. Endless arguing and tension follows and he promises not to speak to K or OW again. Agrees that "guys night" or hanging out with people isn't ok until I trust him not to lie again. But I'm still getting so heated over the party and the apps that he decides to stay in the barracks for a few days. 

We reconcile. He comes home and we go out. Then he says he wants to go to another friends house for the night, will probably stay over so he can drink. When I say no he accuses me of not wanting him to have any friends and being controlling. We agree hell get his bags from the barracks and come home later. When we were out earlier I noticed what looked like a hotel key in his wallet. He said it was to the barracks room he was staying in. After he left I called the hotel on base to see if he had a room and he did. Not 5 minutes after I get there, he pulls up. I try to rationalize this, maybe the barracks were full, he had to stay here so he's grabbing his bags. He comes back out with no bags, and meets OW in the parking lot!!! When confronted he said he needed someone to talk to, she was someone he could confide in. They were only going to talk and then they were going to hang out with his friend. I lost my mind. It turns out he downloaded an app to hide his texts from the phone bill so he could talk to her.

He came back, begging and pleading and saying things will be different. He was really messed up from the meds changing so often, didn't know why he was doing these things. Id have total control over his phone. He got taken off the detail he was on with her. Things weren't getting any better but there was still promise. I wanted so badly to believe he meant what he was saying. The problem is that he wanted the trust back without having to work for it. I checked his phone one night and he got angry, said I was disrespecting him and immediately put a passcode back on it. Again, more fighting, and he decides to again go stay in the barracks.*

Things have only gotten worse from there. Not only did he start texting OW again, but a completely new female as well. He also began looking on Craigslist for sex. That was the last straw for me. I packed up our house, left all the furniture and drove across the country to go home. Now, we go back and forth every day. His reasoning is that he lost respect for me when I didn't have a job. I wasn't there for him emotionally so he had to look elsewhere. I got boring to him. He started his EA in May, right around my first mothers day without my mom and her birthday as well. I was having a hard time but I always encouraged him to talk about his meds, how he was feeling, to seek help. He never wanted to talk about it. Even now says he wont ever talk to me about his PTSD, that I should just be tolerable and understanding. I've tried, but how can I be if I dont know what hes really going through? I only see the way the meds affect him. I always wanted to do things, even to just get out for a walk or go for a drink up the street, but he never wanted to do anything! Now he is living it up and going out with friends a lot.

I'm at my wits end. We've talked about me coming home and he's cried and begged a lot, but then he says full access to his phone is out of the question. He says that I need to get a job and everything will be better, and I very much want one but just hadn't found anything when this all started. And anyway, a job won't fix our trust issues. Last night he was upset again and actually offered to give up his phone, then called today and asked when I was coming home. I told him I wasn't going to consider it until I could look at his phone bill and see for myself that he hasn't been talking to the OW. He denied me and said if that's what it takes then I must not be coming home.

Is the answer obvious? I feel exhausted and hopeless, going from angry to sad every day. How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when to stay? I love him more than anything but any kind of affair is a hard limit for me. Any help would be really appreciated.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, the answer is obvious to me. You deserve better.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Sweetie he is using you. You are his fall back plan. Maybe at some point in all this he did have a desire to change.l. But as long as He continues to talk to the OW you will not be able to have a relationship with him. How does you not having a job relate to respect? How would you working prevent an affair? Oh wait you'll be too busy at work to keep track of all the women he is screwing on the side. If his phone is off limits your off limits. It is time to do the 180. Get you life focused back on you. You get to take him back on your terms not his. You husband is having multiple physical affairs. If you want him back be prepared years of recover with the potential of him going back to OW. Look and somedaydig and regrets page. That is how you spouse should be acting. Not this. You need to be able to be happy and he could care less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please, Just run away from this horse's rear end!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy crap! He is a complete arse. Serial cheater, pathological liar, blame shifter. Run, FAR FAR AWAY. Now before you change your mind again. YOU'RE ONLY 24! Good heavens, you're 24 years younger than me! Imagine still being treated like this when you're my age.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

FromNY -- in order to reconcile. my H handed over access to literally everything. Cell, email, AKO, mypay, hotmail, skype, etc, etc, etc. I can reach over and grab his phone any second and he says nothing. Because he broke the trust, and now I am entitled to feel safe again by verifying his loyalty to me. We are out 3 years from Dday, and I can still go pick up his phone, laptop, whatever and still go through it. 

If they are not willing to be transparent, you need to leave.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Men who blame their wives for their affairs are the bottom of the barrel. He will not stop. As soon as you take him back it will start again mainly because he thought he got away with it the first time. You do deserve so much better. He needs professional help.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> His reasoning is that he lost respect for me when I didn't have a job.


That's the sorriest excuse i've heard from a guy. He must have googled it and didn't notice thats a regular excuse FOR WOMEN. A man's respect for his woman isn't dependent on her job.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> FromNY -- in order to reconcile. my H handed over access to literally everything. Cell, email, AKO, mypay, hotmail, skype, etc, etc, etc. I can reach over and grab his phone any second and he says nothing. Because he broke the trust, and now I am entitled to feel safe again by verifying his loyalty to me. We are out 3 years from Dday, and I can still go pick up his phone, laptop, whatever and still go through it.
> 
> If they are not willing to be transparent, you need to leave.


:smthumbup:

Awesome!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is an idiot. He has zero respect for you. So little respect he can't even bother to come up with a decent excuse for cheating on you.

Get rid of him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

move on you will have a much happier life without this person in your life.

you sound like an awsome girl and smart too you will have no problem finding someone else.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that the only reason this is happening is because your husband has chosen for it to happen. Do not accept his excuses of medications, depressions or think for one moment you brought this on yourself. It is NOT your fault.

From what you have said, it doesn't look good. He is turning the tables on you with his crap that you don't want him to have friends and such. This is so common. Please read up here. You have much to learn. You will also see you are not alone.

I am the betrayed spouse. I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friend's fiance on 12/18/11.

Unlike your husband, my husband was so remorseful it was surprising. Everything he does is transparent to me. I have all passwords, complete access to his phone, email, etc. I can check any time I want to see what he is up to. We are still struggling, hell I am still struggling, but we are trying.

My point is that your husband does not have the one quality that is absolutely necessary to even begin to think about whether or not you can stay with him and that is remorse. He isn't sorry for what he is doing. He is sorry you are giving him a hard time. 

Be strong! Again, know you are not alone!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Noticed how once he got caught he blamed his meds. Got caught again and blamed you. Who is he gonna blame next? Hustler because there was a magazine lying around that got him horny?

He is a serial cheater and will have a different bullsh*t excuse each time he gets caught. 

Divorce his as*. 

You're still young and have no children, count that as a blessing and get yourself out of this mess.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You should be so proud of yourself to get out and away from him. 

Trawling craigslist is the lowest of the low. It shows an enormous disregard for your life, health, and safety. It just doesn't get more messed up and selfish than that.

I hope you've been tested for STDs. I guarantee he was not using protection. Cheaters rarely do.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Mine told me he lost respect for me because I didn't have a job. It's an excuse. I found out he was cheating on me whilst I was working my ass off and paying off his debts BEFORE we got married. Cheaters are liars and will use any excuse. Maybe he's worried about spousal support payments if you are not working and decide to divorce. His tears are probably crocodile tears by the sound of it because you know what he is. My advice is get out, no one deserves that treatment.


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## FromNY (Aug 9, 2012)

I appreciate all of the responses. I know I'm still young and it's good that we don't have children. I just start thinking about the great times we've shared and how quickly all of this happened. I never thought I'd be in the least bit ok to stay through cheating. I watched my best friend stay with her husband after he cheated so many times and never understood why. Now I do. I think of the life we had together and the future we planned. And the times he is apologetic make me hopeful for R but right when I attempt to make him accountable or expect transparency or to work for the trust... He gets defensive and angry all over again.

I just wish walking away was easier done than said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

FromNY said:


> I just wish walking away was easier done than said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why isn't it, though? What are you waiting for? An STD? Waiting for him to knock-up one of his affair partners and get stuck with child support? Or are you waiting for him to pull the "I love you but I'm not _in_ love with you," card, and dump you himself?

There's 8 million+ people living in New York, FromNY. I'd like to think you can find a better partner without _too_ much trouble.

Your worth and self respect are on the line, and there's _plenty_ of decent people out there. You're wasting your decency and commitment on a man who doesn't appreciate or care for it. Stand up for yourself and leave.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

FromNY said:


> I appreciate all of the responses. I know I'm still young and it's good that we don't have children. I just start thinking about the great times we've shared and how quickly all of this happened. I never thought I'd be in the least bit ok to stay through cheating. I watched my best friend stay with her husband after he cheated so many times and never understood why. Now I do. I think of the life we had together and the future we planned. And the times he is apologetic make me hopeful for R but right when I attempt to make him accountable or expect transparency or to work for the trust... He gets defensive and angry all over again.
> 
> I just wish walking away was easier done than said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well when you start thinking about the life you planned with him did it include an abusive controling jerk who cheats and belittles you?


start planning your real future witout him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you read where I asked you to imagine being my age (twice yours) and still with this person who cheats on you and lies to you?? how do you imagine you'll feel then?? What are you waiting for?

Good grief, I hate it when young people define their happiness according to the whims of another person. Find your OWN happiness!!


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I'm not much older than you. My husband cheated on me. I thought the same thing... I thought of the future we had, the past we shared, all our happiness... It was so hard to leave. It took me MONTHS to actually disconnect from him. 

You should see my new boyfriend. He's sexy as hell, he dotes on me but is truly an alpha male... He treats me like an equal partner... He has so much respect for me and he makes my ex look like a piece of dog ****. 

You'll find yours too. Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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