# He's cheated, he lies, he manipulates



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

And I still can't accept it's over. My doctor, every therapist says he's toxic, a compulsive liar, and verbally abusive. Even my dying dad said I need a shrink if I could possibly think I could love this backstabber and want to return to him.
How did you people finally accept is was OVER. 
The lonliness is crushing.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

indiecat said:


> And I still can't accept it's over. My doctor, every therapist says he's toxic, a compulsive liar, and verbally abusive. Even my dying dad said I need a shrink if I could possibly think I could love this backstabber and want to return to him.
> How did you people finally accept is was OVER.
> The lonliness is crushing.


It takes a while but you need to listen to those who love you and have a different perspective than you do.

You need to learn to love yourself enough to realize no one should ever treat you that way and you do not need to put up with that kind of behavior.

You start to see how much better your life is without his toxic mess clouding it up.

Just take one day at a time. You'll get there.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

It's tough and a difficult process but the pain starts wearing off.

I know its cliche, but it's true.

Some scars remain, but ultimately... You do recover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, how do I cope? He says he'll change again, and that I over-react. Heck even the parish priest told me to leave. The abused women's group, even though they aren't supposed to say don't go back told me 'don't go back'. My head must be major messed up.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Thanks, how do I cope? He says he'll change again, and that I over-react. Heck even the parish priest told me to leave. The abused women's group, even though they aren't supposed to say don't go back told me 'don't go back'. My head must be major messed up.



Words are cheap. It's typical for someone like that to say you're overreacting. I heard it all the time.

How do you cope?

You start to enjoy your life. You begin to look forward and stop looking back.

You get in touch with friends. Reconnect with old ones, make new ones. I've done both and I cannot tell you how much it has helped me move on.

You do something you've always wanted to do that he held you back from.

You understand that this isn't going to happen overnight.You take the setbacks as they come, deal with them and move on.

Get out of the house. Smile at people when you're out. Strike up small conversations with people you come across. It's amazing how positive you can feel after striking up a lighthearted conversation with someone you don't know.

Understand that this is a transition phase that you will eventually get through. This one is hard because some days you'll doubt it but convince yourself early on that it is so, it makes getting through the bad days easier.

Learn about you. Read things to improve your life. Talk with others who have been through what you're going through. Self reflect - fix any negative behavior or habits you may have. Embrace your good behaviors and traits.

Treat yourself well. Give yourself time to heal.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Are you getting IC? (not the church kind. real IC)


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

When you find self love and self worth, you will find the strength to get over him. 

Until then, you will be in misery thinking of the "what ifs"

I have a "what if": What if you are way better than to deserve or accept that type of treatment from someone?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

HI, I do go for IC. I do lack self worth and self love, always have. That's why I subjected myself and the kids to misery so long. Now after waiting so long it seems so hard. Relatives say I should have left him 20 years ago, that makes me feel like an even worse loser.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

indiecat said:


> HI, I do go for IC. I do lack self worth and self love, always have. That's why I subjected myself and the kids to misery so long. Now after waiting so long it seems so hard. Relatives say I should have left him 20 years ago, that makes me feel like an even worse loser.


Don't feel that way. I put up with it for 24&1/2 years and truth is if he didn't leave me I'd probably still be putting up with it. The important thing is to look at this ad a second chance to be happy. A chance for a new start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

This may sound lame, but I'm a big proponent of self-help books, particularly ones that include exercises in them. They offer a level of support and feedback that is immediate. When things were rough, I would read until I felt better.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Indie ~

In order to cheat, you must lie and manipulate......it's a package deal.

I am only one week into this and I know how lonely and scary it is but we just cannot fall victim to their "words" anymore.

Words are cheap and if you think about it, the words "I will change" came out of the same mouth as the words "I don't love you anymore."

My therapist asked me yesterday, "Do you want to live alone or do you want to live with someone who does not love you?"

It's as simple as that.

Allow yourself to cry and mourn. I cry myself to sleep every night.

VH


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Indie ~
> 
> *In order to cheat, you must lie and manipulate......it's a package deal.
> 
> ...


Whenever it's rough and you get emotional and think you want him back, just repeat VeryHurt's words to yourself. Come up with a mantra. It really does help.

Calling your STBX on his BS, even if it's not to his face, really helps.

:bsflag:


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## mom43 (Aug 31, 2013)

I am in the same situation, Indiecat. I have stayed in my situation for 18 years, 3 children, and numerous separations. He is getting help for his past abuses as a child, but he mentions nothing about his alcoholism, verbal abuse, physical threats, etc. 
I have read several great books (several by Patricia Evans) and they have helped me see what I have been living with for so long. It has made me stronger and ready to face being alone with a positive outlook. 
I agree... repeat VeryHurt's words. Call him on BS as FeministInPink says. Hang in there. You can do it. Be strong. We all are here for you.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Have you left yet mom43.

He says he loves me, which messes with my head, and as said, he told lies to our son about me. and told ow he loved her with the same mouth

I am too depressed and anxious to return to work, and when I do I will have to start paying spousal and child support to him, which seems so unfair.


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