# New User Going Through Separation



## dfjonesjr (Dec 31, 2011)

Hello. My name is D. I am 32 years old.

Just was doing searches regarding separations and advice and I came across this site.

Well, my wife of 5 years (31 years old) decided last month that she didn't want to be married anymore. She told me that she wasn't in love anymore but she still cares about me. We have been together for 12, since we were in college. I have been battling depression and anxiety for most of my life and she cited this as the major reason. She told me that I was bringing her down with my depression and she didn't believe that I was doing enough to resolve my issues although, I have been seeing a psychologist regularly for over a year. She left me for a month and a half earlier this summer to be with her closest cousin and her children who were here from out of state for 2 months.

I felt that we had become more like roommates than a couple. She would rather spend more time with her family, out with friends and traveling than with me. I always feel like I am last on the totem pole although I have always put her ahead of everyone and everything else.

I do not believe she is a cheater, just emotionally unavailable. I honestly just think that she is selfish and we have different values when it comes to marriage. My parents have been married for 40 years but, her mother has been divorced since she was 2 years old. She doesn't really know her father too well and is just getting to know his side of the family.

She has a older sibling who is autistic and she had to take care of him most of her life. From an early age, she had a lot of responsibility thrust upon her by her mother as she worked nights. While we were dating, I spent a lot of time at her mom's house keeping her company while she tended to him. Her mother trusted me enough to spend nights with her at times just so she wouldn't be alone. I didn't spend much time with my friends or hanging out as she was my priority. 

We dated for 7 years before we got married. Felt like at the time that we were ready. She is sending me mixed signals. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to go to counseling as she doesn't think it will work. However, she wants to remain friends (which I feel is hard). I told her that I do not regret marrying her and she says that she doesn't regret saying yes. No paperwork has been filed as of yet. She has moved back in with her mother and I am back with my parents as we broke the lease to our apartment.

We were on different pages. I wanted to work toward building a family and future. Possibly purchasing a house. She wants to travel and hang out. Doesn't want any children as she once did or any added responsibilities because she feels like her freedom will be impacted. We also share friends from college and it has made things awkward. Don't want people to have to choose sides.

I am trying to use this time to concentrate on improving myself. Losing weight and working on improving my self-confidence and self-esteem. Just very sad that this happened. I still love her very much. I don't know how I am going to make it through this!


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

I understand where you are coming from. My H and I have been married for 5 yrs. Been off/on together since we were in high school. He has problems with Severe depression, and possibly bipolar. I told H last month that I wanted a divorce. He has become a hateful person and extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. And over the last year has gone past that 2x. I moved in with my Dad and he is still in the house. He swears he wants to change his ways but I don't see it happening. He felt like a roomate as well. No love, respect...just yelling and telling me when I get home from work that he is starving and to hurry up and make supper. We also have a 2 yr old son, whom he did nothing to help with. 
Do you think that she will go to a marriage counselor with you? Maybe that will help to figure out why she is leaving? She sounds like she may just be confused and doesn't know what she wants. I say just keep doing what you are doing with making yourself happy and hope that she will come around and see how she feels.


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

Hi D, my wife recently seperated from me as well, i had a lot of stress with work and life generally that i ended up taking my stress out on her for a while. i suppose i hurt her real bad emotionally, she said she wanted space and has moved in with her sister for the time being. I went to see a psychotherapist about my problems and have over the past few weeks been building myself up.

You have already been seeing a psychologist have you tried seeing a marriage counsellor together ?

Also take a look at this link there are some good articles that i found helpful maybe even let your wife read them

Divorce Busting® - Relationship Advice - Marriage Problems Solutions

i am not on talking terms yet with my wife as she asked me not to contact her till after the new year as she needed space so i dont really know where i stand now. It is a bitter pill to swallow but you got to take it one day at a time.


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## dfjonesjr (Dec 31, 2011)

AnewBeginning said:


> I understand where you are coming from. My H and I have been married for 5 yrs. Been off/on together since we were in high school. He has problems with Severe depression, and possibly bipolar. I told H last month that I wanted a divorce. He has become a hateful person and extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. And over the last year has gone past that 2x. I moved in with my Dad and he is still in the house. He swears he wants to change his ways but I don't see it happening. He felt like a roomate as well. No love, respect...just yelling and telling me when I get home from work that he is starving and to hurry up and make supper. We also have a 2 yr old son, whom he did nothing to help with.
> Do you think that she will go to a marriage counselor with you? Maybe that will help to figure out why she is leaving? She sounds like she may just be confused and doesn't know what she wants. I say just keep doing what you are doing with making yourself happy and hope that she will come around and see how she feels.



Hi AnewBeginning!

I am sorry to hear about your situation with you and your husband. Although my wife and I don't have any children, I know that she could empathize with you in regards to your husband's struggles with depression and bipolar disorder.
She has had to live with me battling my depression and anxiety for the whole time we have been together. 

I know no one wants to see the person that they love in pain. 
She just got to the point (among other things) where she fell out of love with me because of it and she didn't think I was doing enough to address my issues. However, where he turned all of his frustration towards you; I directed almost all of mine inward and toward myself. Never verbally abused her or anything but I beat up on me. I became my own worst enemy.
In essence, that was one of the things that got her to re-evaluate our marriage and she didn't see any hope. I have asked her several times about counseling and she didn't see any point. I think that she is more afraid to take any kind of criticism. As I said, there are things that I know I need to work on with myself but, this was a two way street.


There is no excuse for him not taking an active role in your child's life. I honestly believe that children are a blessing and with there being so many people out there who can't have children, he really should consider himself very fortunate to have been blessed with a son!

I really pray that your husband gets the help that he may need and instead of directing that anger towards you or your child, that he find a way to take that negative energy and expel it in a positive way. I believe that anyone can work through any situation but, it takes two people. If one person doesn't want things to work, than there is no point. I really hope that you all can work things out and become an even stronger couple and continue to build your family. 

Thank you for sharing!


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## dfjonesjr (Dec 31, 2011)

insomnia255 said:


> Hi D, my wife recently seperated from me as well, i had a lot of stress with work and life generally that i ended up taking my stress out on her for a while. i suppose i hurt her real bad emotionally, she said she wanted space and has moved in with her sister for the time being. I went to see a psychotherapist about my problems and have over the past few weeks been building myself up.
> 
> You have already been seeing a psychologist have you tried seeing a marriage counsellor together ?
> 
> ...


Hi Insomnia255!

Thank you for sharing your story.

I am sorry to hear about the issues between you and your wife.
The thing is, it has to take two people. What I am learning now is that if one person doesn't want to work things out, then it is almost futile to try to keep trying to change his or her mind.

As for counseling, my wife didn't want to go to counseling and I have asked her several times. I think she is afraid of being criticized by a third-party. It seems like she is trying to make up for lost time and drink and party like she is in her early 20s and she knows deep down that at 31 years old, that is foolish!

Anyway, I am glad you are seeing your Psychotherapist on a regular basis. I pray that you all will be able to get back on speaking terms and can work things out.


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

My wife did say to me to restart contact with her in the new year. I have sent her a text but i have had no reply yet.

i know she has family down from canada and she is with her parents etc. so i think the last thing she wants to do is text me back seeing as she asked for the space. I have this fear that with the 3-4 weeks of space she has had what if she doesnt wanna work on our marriage, we havnt been to see a MC nor have we had an intervention or anything like that before. When your in this limbo period it is hard to keep your chin up and carry on.


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