# LOOOOONG Time Lurker, Finally Posting



## LisaDiane

Hi everyone!!
I have been getting sucked in to the posts her on TAM for almost 4 years without joining - I feel like I know all the regular posters personally! Lol!! So I thought it was time to join officially, and stop being a Lurker... :-D

I don't really have any problems in my marriage to talk about, but some of the discussions here are SO interesting, sometimes I want to pipe-up and add my thoughts, or ask questions! It will be hard for me though, because I hate being on the computer, I'm more of a "do-er of stuff", and when I start reading on TAM, I can lose half a day (or _more!_), which drives me CRAZY!! 

I have been married to my second husband for almost 14yrs, and we've been together almost 17. I ADORE him!!!! He is 7 years older than me, which I also love! My first husband (together 15yrs, since high school) was a violent alcoholic, and I actually ran away from him (with our 3 little kids) after his first physically violent episode - I wasn't sticking around for THAT crap, especially with small children - and drove as far away as I could in one day -- about 1000 miles! I settled in here, and hid from him for 10 years, until he lost interest (and spent time in jail). Being with my new husband has been a totally different experience, and his love taught me SO MUCH -- I'm still learning how to feel safe and accept his love!

I was anorexic in my teens, and am in "remission" now -- NEVER think of eating disorders as "cured", they never can be...it's like a drug addict: it's still part of me, I'm just not "engaging" in it anymore -- but I still really struggle with body image issues, ESPECIALLY now that I'm getting older. I try to deal with my thoughts _practically_, and it seems to help. My husband's patience has been the biggest benefit and cause of my healing...I know I'm intense, annoying, and relentless sometimes, so I am very grateful to him for loving me steadily through all my craziness!! AND....maybe next time my insecurities become overwhelming, I can post on here and get some perspective and support, instead of grasping at my husband so much....LUCKY for you guys!!! :grin2:

I really love reading all the different viewpoints of the posters on here! Some of you guys are really insightful and articulate, and I've gotten so much out of just reading the threads!! I doubt I can add much, but I'd love to join in with a question or comment sometimes...MAYBE....! Lol!!


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## jlg07

Welcome to TAM!! Looks like you will bring a wealth of experiences and can really help a lot of folks here!

Jump in, the water is fine.....


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## ConanHub

Hello! I can see your avatar's butt!>

Seriously though, welcome aboard!:smile2:


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## CharlieParker

But, butt, but welcome.


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## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> Hello! I can see your avatar's butt!>



OOPS!!! *THAT* wasn't the avatar I meant to pick! 

FIXED it!!


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## StillSearching

LisaDiane said:


> OOPS!!! *THAT* wasn't the avatar I meant to pick!
> 
> FIXED it!!


Dam! I missed it!


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## Hewby

I wanted to see some butt!


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## LisaDiane

Lolol!!!

Umm...this isn't exactly how I wanted my intro-post to go.... (where's the dang "blushing" emoji??)

And ok, since I'm a people-pleaser, HERE--- :moon:


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## aine

Welcome, TAM is a great resource.


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## Chuck71

LisaDiane said:


> I was anorexic in my teens, and am in "remission" now -- NEVER think of eating disorders as "cured", they never can be...it's like a drug addict: it's still part of me, I'm just not "engaging" in it anymore -- but I still really struggle with body image issues,


Welcome to TAM! I left this part up because I can relate. I was extremely overweight in my early

teens. Partly due to depression brought on by my pop's mental and verbal abuse, the medication I

was on (Tegretol), and basic peer pressure. There was an episode on vacation which led me to anorexia.

At the time, I didn't know there was even a term for it. I decided to cut back on eating.

At first it worked wonders but you always lose swiftly in the beginning...then it gets hard. That's why

many people stop their diet plan. I was 15....and thought I needed to step up my game. I started

going a couple days without eating, then eat some. The weight was coming off but not as fast as before.

I stepped it up to a few days, then five. A few times I went as long as seven-ten days. Long story short,

I went from 305 / 5'4 to 155 / 5'9 in eight months. Actually not that hard when you are a teen.

I knew I was tempting my health when I passed out in the kitchen late one evening. I stopped fasting

and just ate much better. During that time I stopped taking the medication (parents didn't know).

The first time I did this, you can say it was over body image, same for the second time it happened

just a year later. I still fast (I'm 47 now) but for certain reasons and for certain periods of time. My

most recent was a bit over a month ago. My last one over body image was just over 30 years ago.

But I will never forget the fat-jokes, the teasing, the insults from my pop. Of course body image

is much more centralized on females. I could go into a lot more but this is your thread. And I just wanted

to let you know....I've been where you have. I'm glad to know we both have our demons under control.


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## Faithful Wife

LisaDiane said:


> Lolol!!!
> 
> Umm...this isn't exactly how I wanted my intro-post to go.... (where's the dang "blushing" emoji??)
> 
> And ok, since I'm a people-pleaser, HERE--- <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/moon.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Moon" ></a>


If you’ve been reading here for awhile, you should have expected that! Lol

Welcome to TAM.


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## LisaDiane

Chuck71 said:


> But I will never forget the fat-jokes, the teasing, the insults from my pop. Of course body image
> 
> is much more centralized on females. I could go into a lot more but this is your thread. And I just wanted
> 
> to let you know....I've been where you have. I'm glad to know we both have our demons under control.



This just makes me SO SAD....I'm very sorry for the struggles and pain you've gone through and I really appreciate your post!
I think eating disorders are as much about POWER as body image, and those pressures are on boys as well as girls -- it's about trying to be HEARD and CARED FOR, and being desperate for it! It's a form of self-harm, and is so hard to treat. Like I said, starving myself is always an option in my thinking when I'm afraid of how I look or feeling unloved (which I always blame on how I look); it's a coping mechanism that I never consider, but still whispers to me from the back of my mind. So yeah, the demons are under control, but they are still there, looking for a way out.

MY dad always objectified women, CONSTANTLY, and leered openly in front of me and my sister, telling us why he found each particular woman sexually alluring (at the beach, in the store, driving down the road, etc) -- we were never physically molested by him, but we both have the same traits of girls who were molested, so I think the damage was similar. I have NEVER felt "sexy enough" to be satisfying to my husband (or my first husband). I have worked VERY HARD to replace my dad's "ideal" picture of women with a more gentle, loving view of what an ideal woman is supposed to look like - I'm not there yet, but I probably never will be. I have to CHOOSE to believe my husband, and then not think about it!

It's also about re-parenting ourselves, and there are a few great books about it that really helped me make peace with that nasty voice in my head, hurling my dad's criticisms at me and feeding my insecurities. I highly recommend that route, if you start to struggle again!

Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and painful - feel free to post more if you want, this isn't "my" thread to me! I posted (and joined) because I WANT to hear people's stories!!:smile2:


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## LisaDiane

Faithful Wife said:


> If you’ve been reading here for awhile, you should have expected that! Lol
> 
> Welcome to TAM.


SO TRUE!!! Lol!


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## Faithful Wife

LisaDiane said:


> MY dad always objectified women, CONSTANTLY, and leered openly in front of me and my sister, telling us why he found each particular woman sexually alluring (at the beach, in the store, driving down the road, etc) -- we were never physically molested by him, but we both have the same traits of girls who were molested, so I think the damage was similar. I have NEVER felt "sexy enough" to be satisfying to my husband (or my first husband). I have worked VERY HARD to replace my dad's "ideal" picture of women with a more gentle, loving view of what an ideal woman is supposed to look like - I'm not there yet, but I probably never will be. I have to CHOOSE to believe my husband, and then not think about it!


Wow, that SUCKS. He did molest you, he molested your mind. 

I'm so sorry, wtf was he thinking??? I hate hearing things like this. It is just plain WRONG to do this to a child. Ugh.


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## Spicy

A big warm welcome. I like you already.


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## MattMatt

@LisaDiane, Welcome to TAM.


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## StarFires

LisaDiane said:


> My first husband (together 15yrs, since high school) was a violent alcoholic, and I actually ran away from him (with our 3 little kids) after his first physically violent episode - I wasn't sticking around for THAT crap, especially with small children - and drove as far away as I could in one day -- about 1000 miles! I settled in here, and hid from him for 10 years, until he lost interest (and spent time in jail). Being with my new husband has been a totally different experience, and his love taught me SO MUCH -- I'm still learning how to feel safe and accept his love!


Bravo to you!!! I LOVE when a woman refuses to take that crap. So glad you found a man who knows how to love a woman.


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## LisaDiane

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm so sorry, wtf was he thinking??? I hate hearing things like this. It is just plain WRONG to do this to a child. Ugh.



RIGHT!?!? He is a flaming narcissist as well, so there was never any way to talk sense into him (people tried), about anything. I haven't spoken to him in 18 years, THANK GOD, but the damage to my self-concept was already done.

But that's ok - I'm continually healing, learning and growing as a person, and I actually LIKE how my bad (and good) experiences have shaped me into the person I am now!! I don't think I would change anything!

Thanks! <3


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## Faithful Wife

LisaDiane said:


> He is a flaming narcissist as well


Ugh, ok, I get it. Yep narcissists don't do anything to protect anyone else, including their children. Glad you ditched the *******!


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## Adelais

Welcome! Glad you decided to join so you can comment. 

Sorry I missed your avatar. A good laugh is medicine for me! Maybe you can post it inside your post for those of us who missed it?

That was really BRAVE of you to take off with three small children and start over! So glad you are happy and have been for many years now.


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## Cynthia

Welcome to TAM!


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## Mrs.K

Nice to “meet” you! I am so happy you were able to get yourself and kids out of a horrible situation and also deal with that eating disorder, it’s not easy 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

LisaDiane said:


> This just makes me SO SAD....I'm very sorry for the struggles and pain you've gone through and I really appreciate your post!
> I think eating disorders are as much about POWER as body image, and those pressures are on boys as well as girls -- it's about trying to be HEARD and CARED FOR, and being desperate for it! It's a form of self-harm, and is so hard to treat. Like I said, starving myself is always an option in my thinking when I'm afraid of how I look or feeling unloved (which I always blame on how I look); it's a coping mechanism that I never consider, but still whispers to me from the back of my mind. So yeah, the demons are under control, but they are still there, looking for a way out.
> 
> MY dad always objectified women, CONSTANTLY, and leered openly in front of me and my sister, telling us why he found each particular woman sexually alluring (at the beach, in the store, driving down the road, etc) -- we were never physically molested by him, but we both have the same traits of girls who were molested, so I think the damage was similar. I have NEVER felt "sexy enough" to be satisfying to my husband (or my first husband). I have worked VERY HARD to replace my dad's "ideal" picture of women with a more gentle, loving view of what an ideal woman is supposed to look like - I'm not there yet, but I probably never will be. I have to CHOOSE to believe my husband, and then not think about it!
> 
> It's also about re-parenting ourselves, and there are a few great books about it that really helped me make peace with that nasty voice in my head, hurling my dad's criticisms at me and feeding my insecurities. I highly recommend that route, if you start to struggle again!
> 
> Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and painful - feel free to post more if you want, this isn't "my" thread to me! I posted (and joined) because I WANT to hear people's stories!!:smile2:


My stories about my parents are littered throughout these boards. One thing I have always

said was mom was 100% nurturer / 0% teacher. Pop was the exact opposite. It was funny when I

found out pop was the pretty chunky feller back in his teens. I wrote a three book trilogy a number

of years ago and that overweight kid was in the first few chapters of Book 1. The lead male character

has some of my life experiences in it but most are not. Pop was self-employed and if money wasn't 

coming in, he either took it out on me or mom, or both. Pop and I made peace as I grew past my teens.

We never fully made peace because he died when I was 23. But he was the one who told me

what not to do, what to avoid.....aka mistakes he made. Like I've said, in a way I love him but in 

other ways I hate him, or how he turned out. But that's the case with a lot of kids.

My bluntness, take no crap, ability to read people...all come from him. I'm more like him than I

realize but that's not all a bad thing. I have yet to have kids (g/f and I are trying) so I can't

compare myself to him, as a parent yet. But if I could see into the future and see I would be to my kids

just as he was to me, then I should never have kids.

My second dance with anorexia came just a year later. I had a botched brain surgery (remove a tumor)

and the Dr. tapered me off of Decadron too fast. My brain swelled and I was a quadriplegic.

My left side came back pretty quick. Can't say that for my right side. It never did. Luckily I was 16 

when it occurred. My right side is.....egh 85%. But I can't do things repetitive with my right hand.

Reason I mention this is Decadron increases your appetite immensely. Remember all that weight 

I dropped? LOL..... Since I was tapered off too fast, the Dr. put me back on it for a good long while.

I gained about 125 lbs. back in roughly, two months. I ate so much I would breath like a heavy breathing

perv on the phone. I even have stretch marks I gained it so fast. How I lost the weight this time

was similar to how it was the year before. But it was easier this time, I knew the territory. And I was full

of uncontrolled rage. At the Dr, my parents, God, etc. A neighbor taught me how to channel it.

The difference in uncontrolled rage and controlled rage is like night and day. The weight did come off.

Since that time, I've never been hyper-focused on my weight, again I'm a guy. I fast for the burst of

energy and focus. Days two and three are hard....once you hit four to ten....extreme perception.

It's tough after ten. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. But I do it for my focus.

The last time I did it for weight, was 1988. I even fasted (13 days) during my 60 day wait for D. It helped me 

focus and see my XW for who she really was. But don't think I'm an advocate for it.

It's not for 99% of the people.

*But you have to be happy with yourself.....if not how can you expect others to?* My two greatest loves,

1st love and 3rd (XW) were not thin but weren't fat either (well XW did over the years but that's a 

different story for another day). Current love, 5th.... same thing..... My grandmother (mom's mom)

was "stocky" .... M at 13, mom at 14 (during Great Depression), dropped out of school

by sixth grade...... One of the smartest people I have ever met.


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## Chuck71

LisaDiane said:


> *I think eating disorders are as much about POWER as body image, and those pressures are on boys as well as girls -- it's about trying to be HEARD and CARED FOR, and being desperate for it!:*


I taught special education for a number of years. I'm ADHD and slightly autistic.... so I fit right in!

One kid would refuse to have a bowel movement, as a form of control. At least not at school.

It's the search for control in an uncontrollable climate. Ended up, child was molested. 

I reported it, being an educator you are obligated to. But they ignored what I thought was the cause.

Child dropped out of school, told me everything; which I suspected. Now this person is an adult

and performs sex acts for money. Yes that is one of the reasons I left teaching.


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## LisaDiane

Araucaria said:


> Welcome! Glad you decided to join so you can comment.
> 
> Sorry I missed your avatar. A good laugh is medicine for me! Maybe you can post it inside your post for those of us who missed it?



LOL!!!

It wasn't any big deal! I will post it here, if I can figure out HOW...but it was just an old painting, one of three that I had that were the right size for an avatar, and the one I have now is my favorite!

GRRRR!!!!! HOW do you insert an image from your computer files....???


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