# Rejected in bed and called a "robot"



## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

i need advice. I know my husband loves me and wants me — if I don’t have sex with him at least every other day, he passive aggressively lets me know about it. So, I know he wants to be with me normally…

But…when he knows that “I” want him…and he’s busy or preoccupied with work anger (he is always mad about something)…he makes it a game.

Well, last night I almost stormed out of the house. Was I being too sensitive?

All day he was angry about work. He was swearing left and right and he knows I don’t like it when he’s so venomous. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. But, he would look at me and ask why I wasn’t paying attention to him or why I didn’t “look happy”. I said I am happy…I’m just working and I am trying to stay out of the line of fire.

He said that I never “look happy”. I said I do! I just don’t “look happy” when you are swearing and angry and screaming. He said I’m not screaming at you…I said I know, but you are still very, very mad and it makes the day uncomfortable.

Anyway, this weird behavior lasted most of the day with him. He keeps saying that I am quiet — distant — he was analyzing my faces, saying I look very detracted from him.

So at the end of the night - he made a comment that I was still working, so I stopped and I went to the couch with him. He told me he was working…but put down his computer. I asked him for a neck rub…he kind of ignored my request. Then I said…let’s go to bed. He said okay …well, I need to send another email. So, I said okay….and I grabbed my phone and got on twitter until he was done. 

He jumped up and said “see - always on social media…can’t just be with me.” I said NO! I’m waiting for you to get done. He said that I didn’t love him…that I was very cold to him …blah blah blah.

So I said — please stop this. He launched into “i’m not playing your games. You have a problem…you like to pick fights and it’s not working with me tonight. I don’t play your game.”

I said there’s no game…I want you…I want to be close to you…I want you to come to bed. I want you to stop this anger! Please!

So he comes to the bathroom and is still telling me that I am playing some silly game that he’s sick of.

I rush to bed and I am crying at this point. He tells me to stop crying and I ask him to hold onto me. (mind you..I’m wearing something for him!) So he holds onto me and starts sleeping. 

I said “so I guess you are just going to sleep?” He said “well look at you…you don’t even touch me.” I started to get upset. I said, I want you! I told you I want you. I asked you to please come to bed. I then said, could you please put the dog in the bathroom (code for …let’s be together).

He said “great, now I’m your robot."

Then said that if I want to have him...I needed to start looking at my actions and I need to “ask him nicely for sex”. I got VERY angry. 

I started screaming — I should not have to ask “nicely” to be with my husband. And I certainly don’t want you to think you are my “robot”. What a slap in the face!

He then said he was a “problem solver” and if I didn’t want to be there…”let’s figure out a solution…”

I freaked out — NOW he wants to kick me out of the house???? 

He then started telling me he though he was having a heart attack and his arm was going numb and his blood pressure was up. So being the loving wife I am…I started rubbing his back and calming him down.

He went to sleep and woke up telling me that I am the love of his life and he just can’t understand why I can’t be appreciative of him and LOOK happy and have a smile on my face always. 

He says he always loves being with me …but he doesn’t do well with me asking for it. 

WHAT am I to think????


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your husband is not a problem solver. He's a problem starter.

Is he bi-polar?


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

I don't THINK he's bi-polar...but many times I wonder. My therapist said no because it's just such rash changes...not consistent themes.

I feel so awful!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> he just can’t understand why I can’t be appreciative of him and LOOK happy and have a smile on my face always


Ask him why he can't do the same, regardless of his work anger or anything else. As they say, what's good for the goose is good for the gander!

I also agree with SecondTime'Round - he creates problems. You may need outside, professional resources to deal with the issues here. He may be too much of a project to take on alone.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*I'm going to chalk this one up to, you guys seem perfectly normal to me! If anything, you would probably make a good case study in how most marriages work.
*

Now having said that if you want things to improve, you are going to have to learn how to keep arguing and sex separated from one another. The average person goes through a great deal of daily stress and problems often manifest in awkward ways around the topic of sex even though the problems and stress are completely unrelated to sex. 

Make it a point to schedule a cease fire every now and then for intimacy/sex, AND also make it an equal point to have good arguments together about how to deal with all the crap that life throws at you. Generally speaking, good arguments (that are respectful) between couples will improve your sex lives. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your H is a bully.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

Well, the problem is I don't think we have "good arguments". Anytime I tell him how I feel (rejected...hurt ...stressed) he will say... fine. Clearly I can't make you happy -- why don't you try finding someone who will.

I can't even express my feelings without this wall of immediate torment.
He tells me that he went and bought me a new car and he STILL doesn't see my smiling all the time.

I let him know I asked him NOT to buy the car because our budget is very tight and "I" am the one paying for it. 

And now he will let it slip "everyone" thinks I am always angry. I try to do for my kids...my family and no one cares about ME. 

It's true he is very disconnected with his kids. 

When he thought he was "dying" last night from a heart attack (his drama) he said maybe that's why my kids don't want to see me anymore. It's God's way of helping them heal when I die of this heart attack. 

DRAMA!





badsanta said:


> *I'm going to chalk this one up to, you guys seem perfectly normal to me! If anything, you would probably make a good case study in how most marriages work.
> *
> 
> Now having said that if you want things to improve, you are going to have to learn how to keep arguing and sex separated from one another. The average person goes through a great deal of daily stress and problems often manifest in awkward ways around the topic of sex even though the problems and stress are completely unrelated to sex.
> ...


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

The randomness of the interaction makes it sound like either there is information missing, or he is swinging wildly between wanting to be with you and not wanting to, trying to modify your behavior into coming after him aggressively to emulate either a fantasy or expectation he has. The problem is if the aggression doesn't come from a place where it's very real, it's actually going to repel him and likely spark anger. 

Another possibility to explain that is that he's engaged in at least an EA and receiving more aggressive attention elsewhere and is wanting you to live up to that level of interest and gets angry with himself for that, then swings wildly to angry with you for what he believes rightly or wrongly are past neglect or your "going through the motions", even blaming you for the guilt he feels over the EA.

It's hinted that there have been times it's not "every other day". Is there a history of going long stretches without being intimate? Or is it possible that for long stretches your attraction to him waned (men are far more perceptive than we are given credit for) such that the act of intimacy would feel hollow or even shameful for him? The claim or reality of feeling a near heart attack, a panic attack, sounds like there are some deep rooted anxieties. 

I know this much, having been on the neglected end of a marriage for a very long time, if you were my wife describing me right now it may sound very similar except that every other day would have been a pipe dream for me. Everything she does above what I know is her normal feels forced and makes me feel like garbage, worse than no contact, because it's something akin to rape emotionally. What I want, what I imagine most men want, is to be WANTED. To be desired. The sex is the physical and real expression of that. It's less that we're seeking an orgasm and more that we're seeking to be mauled by a woman who finds us irresistible. 

Just one guy's thoughts.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow is this guy volatile! He's almost as bad as my wife. I normally don't recommend counseling but I think in this situation you won't get anywhere unless you do. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> i need advice. I know my husband loves me and wants me — if I don’t have sex with him at least every other day, he passive aggressively lets me know about it. So, I know he wants to be with me normally…
> 
> But…when he knows that “I” want him…and he’s busy or preoccupied with work anger (he is always mad about something)…he makes it a game.
> 
> ...


Ouch, your post gave me a creepy feeling of deja vous!

He is an abuser plain as day. 

Bibi


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

Well, he takes a lot of pride in his appearance and he has gained about 15 lbs. He gets VERY upset about it. He will sit on the couch and hold the fat around his former 6 pack and say "look at this!" "Why don't you tell me that I'm fat!" I will tell him he looks great to me and I love him no matter what...and he will respond with ..."what is wrong with you...why can't you see how ugly I am!" 

If I dare say...okay let's go to the gym more together ...he'll say "oh so you DO think I'm fat."


So, I think he thinks he's unattractive and that's playing into it. 

But, what do I do? I try to help him -- even suggest he go to the gym with me....and he will sometimes -- but he eats too much. If I suggest we eat at home...he will say no... 

I can only do so much. 

But last night he said the reason he doesn't work out and he's getting fat is because he's constantly worried about making me happy and trying to please me. 





JustAFamilyMan said:


> The randomness of the interaction makes it sound like either there is information missing, or he is swinging wildly between wanting to be with you and not wanting to, trying to modify your behavior into coming after him aggressively to emulate either a fantasy or expectation he has. The problem is if the aggression doesn't come from a place where it's very real, it's actually going to repel him and likely spark anger.
> 
> Another possibility to explain that is that he's engaged in at least an EA and receiving more aggressive attention elsewhere and is wanting you to live up to that level of interest and gets angry with himself for that, then swings wildly to angry with you for what he believes rightly or wrongly are past neglect or your "going through the motions", even blaming you for the guilt he feels over the EA.
> 
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He sounds very passive-aggressive. There are books that help you learn how to deal with that type. I've seen them mentioned here. Eventually you can learn techniques to diffuse his PA tendencies. Worth a try.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> I don't THINK he's bi-polar...but many times I wonder. My therapist said no because it's just such rash changes...not consistent themes.
> 
> I feel so awful!


I have an XH and daughter that are bipolar, your husband is not that. Your therapist is right.

Bibi


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

He sounds more than passive aggressive to me. He sounds like he has some sort of diagnosable personality disorder! Borderline maybe??


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

The other thing is he is very controlling -- and it's very strange because I know he loves me in his own way, but as one poster put it here..I think he needs me to constantly be drooling over him.

He mentioned yesterday that I wasn't like I was when I first met him.

But, he's very inappropriate -- when we are in stores at the mall he will come behind me and subtly pretend (in public) to be thrusting into me and whisper...let me tell you what I'm going to do to uou..

It's not that I don't want him -- It's just that he is doing this in public and we are grown people with kids. He will grab my butt in the grocery store line..etc.

I know some of this stuff is healthy -- but it's just too much for my comfort -- in public.

Does that make me cold? No -- I will hug in in the grocery store line...kiss him...even. People often comment about us being "love birds" but I don't want to be having sex in the store! 






Bibi1031 said:


> I have an XH and daughter that are bipolar, your husband is not that. Your therapist is right.
> 
> Bibi


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> Well, he takes a lot of pride in his appearance and he has gained about 15 lbs. He gets VERY upset about it. He will sit on the couch and hold the fat around his former 6 pack and say "look at this!" "Why don't you tell me that I'm fat!" I will tell him he looks great to me and I love him no matter what...and he will respond with ..."what is wrong with you...why can't you see how ugly I am!"
> 
> If I dare say...okay let's go to the gym more together ...he'll say "oh so you DO think I'm fat."
> 
> ...


That's the today situation, but doesn't really answer about the past. He's either extremely irrational and needs help, or he's reacting to a long period of (whether he's right or not) perceived neglect or evidence you're unhappy with the marriage. He's careful and very aware of his appearance and cares about his looks yet expressing signs of insecurity.

Again, you could be describing me right now. Except that I'm not unhinged, irrational or abusive. I'm just damaged and trying to figure it out.

What do you think could lead him to believe you're unhappy, or that you're just going through the motions? Anything? 

I'm really not trying to shift the blame to you, but it doesn't sound like clear cut abuse and with a different perspective could be his most recent way of dealing with he believes is broken in the marriage.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

He's the type that pretty much thinks if his butt isn't getting kissed...he's not making me happy.

I'm his second wife and he did this to his first one, too. He always said she looked unhappy and she told him it wasn't HIS job to make HER happy. That's true.

What set him off yesterday was that I saw a house down the street that I wanted to go see. It just went on the market. I moved into HIS home that he built with his previous wife. So, I wanted to just see the neighborhood and maybe drop a hint...that I'd love something we got together.

He was not happy with that. He said that I didn't like his house obviously and that I am just unhappy altogether because he doesn't make enough money.

I NEVER said that and I would NEVER say that. But, since I expressed interest in another house...he feels insecure and not good enough.... 

So that's the reason YESTERDAY ...that he was so mad that I wasn't "happy". 

I told him i love our house...but I would also like to build our own home together when we are both more financially stable. He took that to mean -- let's move immediately. 

It's just like dealing with insanity.



JustAFamilyMan said:


> That's the today situation, but doesn't really answer about the past. He's either extremely irrational and needs help, or he's reacting to a long period of (whether he's right or not) perceived neglect or evidence you're unhappy with the marriage. He's careful and very aware of his appearance and cares about his looks yet expressing signs of insecurity.
> 
> Again, you could be describing me right now. Except that I'm not unhinged, irrational or abusive. I'm just damaged and trying to figure it out.
> 
> ...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How long have you been married? Your husband sounds like he has an enormous amount of insecurity and a self image that is in the tank coupled with some sort of disorder.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> He's the type that pretty much thinks if his butt isn't getting kissed...he's not making me happy.
> 
> I'm his second wife and he did this to his first one, too. He always said she looked unhappy and she told him it wasn't HIS job to make HER happy. That's true.
> 
> ...


If all you've said is true, he sounds riddled with insecurity since well before your time and has reached a stage where it's emotionally abusive. This description is where I see nothing resembling my feelings or emotions or reactions. It sounds like he needs professional help.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

Yes, it doesn't matter if he is screaming F you to the driver next to us or saying GD for forgetting his glasses for the millionth time...I am supposed to be holding onto his hand and caressing him ...kissing him - all the time.

I never get to voice my own feelings or fears without being told I'm acting like a victim. 

When I told him I am appreciative of what he's done for me ...he says that I just like to provide for myself and since I earn a very good income, too...I take it for granted. 

The problem is ....if I didn't work -- or I took a step back with my career...we would be so screwed financially.

We didn't have money for the new car he just bought, but he did it anyway. I said I didn't want that....but I would let him do as he pleased.

So he bought a new car and then says I'm not smiling enough for it...



JustAFamilyMan said:


> If all you've said is true, he sounds riddled with insecurity since well before your time and has reached a stage where it's emotionally abusive. This description is where I see nothing resembling my feelings or emotions are reactions. It sounds like he needs professional help.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> He sounds very passive-aggressive. There are books that help you learn how to deal with that type. I've seen them mentioned here. Eventually you can learn techniques to diffuse his PA tendencies. Worth a try.


If you love him and want to hang in there, these are a must!

Bibi


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

sexandlove2 said:


> Well, the problem is I don't think we have "good arguments". Anytime I tell him how I feel (rejected...hurt ...stressed) he will say... fine. Clearly I can't make you happy -- *why don't you try finding someone who will.*
> 
> I can't even express my feelings without this wall of immediate torment.
> He tells me that he went and bought me a new car and he STILL doesn't see my smiling all the time.
> ...


The bolded is good advice if he is unwilling to work on things. Someone mentioned that he is a problem starter, not problem solver, so it will be hard for him to make progress. It seems like you want to be able to fight fairly, but he won't have it. He's being a baby and a bully, neither make for good husbands. My only advice would be to try couples therapy, and to think of the consequences if he doesn't engage.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> *The other thing is he is very controlling -- and it's very strange because I know he loves me in his own way, but as one poster put it here..I think he needs me to constantly be drooling over him.*
> 
> These are traits of Co-dependents. Did your husband grow up with alcoholics or drug users (not necessarily heavy drugs but abused prescription drugs)?
> 
> ...



JoeH is right on. I honestly think this would have saved my marriage, but at the time I felt like nothing would save it.

If you still love this man, fight for what you have with the right ammo. Don't engage in his fights and then they escalate; that was one of my biggest mistakes, because YOU will never win.

Bibi


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

Was he drunk?

This sounds like my hubby drunk...


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Read a little bit about Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

He wasn't drunk at all?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Part of the problem with abuse is that much of it is a set-up. It is designed to keep you in a "one down" position, so he can feel superior. Equality isn't good enough for him. It's like a tie; there's neither a winner or a loser, and he MUST (at least) FEEL like a winner. 

In all honesty, he probably doesn't believe much of what comes out of his mouth. Just imagine if you actually agreed that he was indeed fat. I guarantee you, his tune would change instantly. 

He's not nearly as "insecure" as he seems. It's an act. And as far as you not "appreciating" him, he's projecting. It's HE would doesn't appreciate YOU. 

I agree with the others who suggested that he may have a personality disorder. Try looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if any aspects of his personality fit the criteria. From what you've written on this thread, I can tell you that he already meets most of the criteria. Of course, getting a professional diagnosis would require that he go to therapy. If he does, he will either exaggerate or UNDER state what's been going on...or he'll simply out right lie. 

I understand that you love him, but I question whether or not he actually loves YOU or RESPECT you given all that he's done and said.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

Actually, I have tried trying to just take the tension off by throwing myself at him (essentially) when he comes home angry or frustrated . He's informed me he doesn't work that way. When he's mad he is mad and will not even hug me. I will hang on him and he will push me away. He will tell me he's spent so much time dealing with [email protected] that ghe last thing he can do is be with me physically. 

Even during fights ..when I see he's getting jealous of someone while we are out or picking a fight... I have tried kissing him. Told him to shut up and __me. He pushed me away and said that I was either acting fake. Guilty. Like a victim or pathetic. I have heard them all. 

We were out one night drinking with friends and came back to our room..everything was fine (I thought). I started going through the little refrigerator for a snack at the hotel. He said let's go down and get real food if you are hungry. I said oh okay... I really just wanted m and m's but whatever you prefer. He went off on me and said j can't even make up my own mind over what I want to snack on. He went ballistic. I started to hug him and tell him I love him and kissed his neck... He pushed me off and said that I was acting ridiculous and he was too angry to be with me. He then went off on a tangent that he's fat, his job is failing, he didn't like his hair that night etc etc. He said his life had never been worse. I started crying because we had just gotten engaged the week before. I said wow, I thought we were happy. He said "stop acting like a victim".


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

nar·cis·sis·tic
ˌnärsəˈsistik/

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder - Mayo Clinic

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Unique Username said:


> nar·cis·sis·tic
> ˌnärsəˈsistik/
> 
> Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
> ...


This crossed my mind too, but then he reminded me so much of my X that I discarded it. My X is not this. He is just broken like FamilyMan.

Narcissists are not good for anyone, if you realize he is this, run away from him as fast as you can and NEVER look back.

Bibi


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> Actually, I have tried trying to just take the tension off by throwing myself at him (essentially) when he comes home angry or frustrated . He's informed me he doesn't work that way. When he's mad he is mad and will not even hug me. I will hang on him and he will push me away. He will tell me he's spent so much time dealing with [email protected] that ghe last thing he can do is be with me physically.
> 
> Even during fights ..when I see he's getting jealous of someone while we are out or picking a fight... I have tried kissing him. Told him to shut up and __me. He pushed me away and said that I was either acting fake. Guilty. Like a victim or pathetic. I have heard them all.
> 
> *We were out one night drinking with friends* and came back to our room..everything was fine (I thought). I started going through the little refrigerator for a snack at the hotel. He said let's go down and get real food if you are hungry. I said oh okay... I really just wanted m and m's but whatever you prefer. He went off on me and said j can't even make up my own mind over what I want to snack on. He went ballistic. I started to hug him and tell him I love him and kissed his neck... He pushed me off and said that I was acting ridiculous and he was too angry to be with me. He then went off on a tangent that he's fat, his job is failing, he didn't like his hair that night etc etc. He said his life had never been worse. I started crying because we had just gotten engaged the week before. I said wow, I thought we were happy. He said "stop acting like a victim".


This sounds like crazy drunkenness... Does he act this way sober? Some people are SUPER sensitive to alcohol.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

I'm broken in a lot of ways, but her stories have diverged so broadly that her H and I have little or nothing in common.

I agree it sounds like he's drunk and cruel. Borderline dangerous.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

No, this is him sober. Or close to....he's not sensitive to alcohol and doesn't drink that much...normally.



Sarantonio said:


> This sounds like crazy drunkenness... Does he act this way sober? Some people are SUPER sensitive to alcohol.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> *I'm broken in a lot of ways, but her stories have diverged so broadly that her H and I have little or nothing in common.*
> 
> Oh I know, and I didn't mean her husband I meant my XH. He is broken in a lot of ways too but he is definitely fixable and has many many more redeeming qualities than brokenness.
> 
> I'm sorry if you felt offended, I honestly think your a very decent guy that has minor issues just like my Mr. B.


Bibi


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Has it occurred to you to simply stop kissing his arse and crying? It does make you look like a victim and martyr. Next time he suggests finding someone else agree that this is a good idea and tell him you'll start packing and he can kiss own own arse.

Watch his tone change when his bluff is called. This one isn't that hard to see..... he uses emotional manipulation and bullying to keep you unsure and chasing him. Stop doing it and the behavior will stop, after some toddler tantrums to see if you'll break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

I have done this. I have walked out the door and told him adios. Then he said that I'm not stable and I clearly want to leave him, if that's all it takes. 

He plays both ways. Makes me a problem, always.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Of course we aren't hearing his side, but from the information you're providing, either he has to grow up or you will need to divorce him pretty soon.
And unfortunately I think the latter is a lot more likely.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

sexandlove2 said:


> I have done this. I have walked out the door and told him adios. Then he said that I'm not stable and I clearly want to leave him, if that's all it takes.
> 
> He plays both ways. Makes me a problem, always.


Somewhere in the back of your closet there is a pair of boots, they're made for walking....why don't you give them a try!

Tell your H to get help or you will keep on walking.


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## sexandlove2 (Sep 25, 2015)

I feel I do express everything very clearly. I try to talk to him but he just shuts down and starts to tell me leave If I think I can do better. 

I have begged him OVER and over not to threaten our relationship. 

Not long ago, I found out I was pregnant. It was a total shock and I didn't know what to do, I didn't typically support abortion. 

I chose to keep the baby and he kept fighting with me because I was sick. I wasn't touchy-feely because I was very ill with morning sickness. He told me I used it as an excuse. Then he told me he didn't think I could handle the stress of having a baby. We were not married at the time. But he'd get me in tears and then he'd say look at you... You think you can handle a baby like this?

I ended up miscarrying the baby. A few weeks before the miscarriage, I had gone to an abortion clinic for a consult and I came home crying saying I wanted the baby. Desperately. He said if j was going to leave him... I should have an abortion. I begged him that he support me and he said he would. But, Because I was so back and forth about the situation, he accused me of having an abortion and that it wasn't a miscarriage. 

It was an awful time. But that's what I deal with.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You haven't been married to this guy for very long, it sounds. Do yourself a favor and dump this drama queen.

Still trying to understand why a person who is angry at work & spouting off wants to see someone smiling at his distress. He's nuts.

BTW, do you really want this jerk to father your children? If your answer isn't a resounding 'NO', you need to see a therapist.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sexandlove2 said:


> I have done this. I have walked out the door and told him adios. Then he said that I'm not stable and I clearly want to leave him, if that's all it takes.
> 
> He plays both ways. Makes me a problem, always.


Except that you haven't. You're still there kissing his arse so you have no credibility.

You should get some help to find out why you're so desperate to get this guy to love you. Beggars are not attractive.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Get out! It will be far worse if you have a child with him, or marry him. Don't do either of those!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Having now just realized your other thread

sounds like dude does ideed have a drinking or drug problem in addition to NPD

See when you have multiple threads about your situation - it makes it harder to see the real picture

they are not mutually exclusive....they are intertwined

In this one you are sounding more passive aggressive - that isn't a healthy mix with a drunk selfish person



bottom line - you teach people how to treat you
You can only control your own behavior and your reaction to another's behavior


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your husband is narcissistic and abusive.

He will never change.

He will never get better.

He will only get WORSE.

If you stay with him, in 20 years, you will be a shell of a person, unable to make a single decision for yourself for fear of triggering his anger, which by then you will have been brainwashed to believe is ALL YOUR FAULT, and you will believe nobody else would ever want you, you are stupid, you are ugly, you are worthless, and you're a waste of air, and you should be GRATEFUL that he even bothers to keep you around, and why aren't you licking his boots to make up for it.

Read this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble

I guarantee you will find your husband in it.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

sexandlove2 said:


> Well, the problem is I don't think we have "good arguments". Anytime I tell him how I feel (rejected...hurt ...stressed) he will say... fine. Clearly I can't make you happy -- why don't you try finding someone who will.
> 
> I can't even express my feelings without this wall of immediate torment.
> He tells me that he went and bought me a new car and he STILL doesn't see my smiling all the time.
> ...


Did you ever think of buying an Oscar award?

He seems quite the drama actor.

Every time he makes a drama filled statement, you should give him an Oscar award. And then smile and clap and be all happy - but only give him 45 seconds to talk.

If he were my buddy, i'd tell him to shut the eff up and stop treating his wife to these huge wheel barrels of cow manure.




sexandlove2 said:


> Well, he takes a lot of pride in his appearance and he has gained about 15 lbs. He gets VERY upset about it. He will sit on the couch and hold the fat around his former 6 pack and say "look at this!" "Why don't you tell me that I'm fat!" I will tell him he looks great to me and I love him no matter what...and he will respond with ..."what is wrong with you...why can't you see how ugly I am!"
> 
> If I dare say...okay let's go to the gym more together ...he'll say "oh so you DO think I'm fat."


HAHAHAHAH. Is your husband 5 years old? Tell him to stop the pity party.



sexandlove2 said:


> So, I think he thinks he's unattractive and that's playing into it.
> 
> But, what do I do? I try to help him -- even suggest he go to the gym with me....and he will sometimes -- but he eats too much. If I suggest we eat at home...he will say no...
> 
> ...


AHAHAHAHAH....NO

When he makes stupid comments (And they are stupid), you look him in the face with a blank, emotionless look and ask "Are you finished?"
And stare at him until he tells you yes.


Your husband acts like a petulant child. 
When he acts like a child, treat him like one.

I'd even suggest you get a diaper, a Bah Bah, and a binkey if he keeps acting this way.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Next time he suggests finding someone else agree that this is a good idea and tell him you'll start packing and he can kiss own own arse.
> 
> Watch his tone change when his bluff is called. This one isn't that hard to see..... he uses emotional manipulation and bullying to keep you unsure and chasing him. Stop doing it and the behavior will stop, after some toddler tantrums to see if you'll break.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did this 3 times actually. It didn't work with my X. It just made him more resentful I think. 

IMO, If you truly love him and figure out that what he has is treatable and you can live a happy life, go the counseling route. 

Please do not separate if you want to reconcile.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Read the articles on this page, they sound a lot like what you are going through with your hubby. It will do you well to find out why you continue to give into his demands and whims...

GettinBetter.com's Articles


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sexandlove2 is banned. She has other recent accounts... Weirdo567 & marriagevsbiz... plus many more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

grrrr


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't understand how people don't catch on to these things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I don't understand how people don't catch on to these thing


People do.. there is a lot that goes on that is not on the open forum.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

pidge70 said:


> I don't understand how people don't catch on to these things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I'm gullible. I think everyone posts because they need help or want to honestly help because they care like me. I wouldn't post here just for kicks...I have better things to do with my life. 

Bibi


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