# Is this cause for divorce? Am I in the wrong?



## odoca (Aug 24, 2009)

My husband is a little bit controlling. He likes to keep me close by and has major trust issues. Just every part of my life he wants some sort of control over, even the clothes I wear, crap I can't even go to our mail box b/c he thinks the neighbors across the street are weird and he doesn't want them seeing me.....In the two years we have been together not once have we ever gone anywhere like the beach or a lake or anywhere where I would need to wear a bathing suit. And I never questioned it, but I always just felt it was because he doesn't want me in a bikini in public. Well he rides four wheelers a lot with his friends and him and his fiends took a day trip somewhere to ride. One of the girlfriends asked me to go to the rocks with them (it's a river where a lot of people go to lay on the rocks and swim) I asked him if I could go and he said okay. Well apparently he thought I wouldn't be wearing a bathing suit and that I would just go in my normal jeans and a t-shirt. Well, I went in a bathing suit. When i got home he flipped out. He took my rings from me, took my cell phone, told me to leave, and just said it was over. (this has happened numerous times, he likes to play that game) But I fought back this time, first time ever, and basically said "Fine, i'll leave, you can have the house, you can have everything, i don't want a damn thing from you, this will be the easiest thing you have ever done, you don't want me in your life, then don't ever worry about seeing my face again" I could hear a pen drop, he wasn't expecting that response, but he still wanted to test me, but I was serious, I was going to get my stuff together and walk out that door and never ever look back, it's against everything i believe in b/c i believe in marriage, but if you don't want me there then i'm not going to be some dumba$$ that hangs around, i'll move on and be just fine with time, i can't make someone love me and i'm sure as hell not going to try...so i went to call my mother to help me pack, he realized i was serious when he saw that and all the sudden he wanted to talk about things. Normally it's me trying to talk to him and work things out and he is just ignoring me. Anyway, he took back everything he said about the divorce but i kept at it. I said "no your just going to make me pay for this for the rest of our marriage b/c your a spiteful person and that's just what you always do!" He was silent. He knew I was right b/c he knows he is like that. And I just kept on and said, "How many times have you "divorced" me in the course of the 8 months of our marriage?? like fifteen times and each time I am fighting and fighting to keep us together well i'm not doing it anymore! I'm tired of being the only one that fights for and cares about our marriage!" b/c he flat out tells me he doesn't care, he makes it a point to tell me that just about everyday. Anyway, finally I could tell him how i felt without him ignoring me, as he usually does, it was like this time he finally was listening to me! and I just felt strong for the first time in 2 years..........BUT now here comes the other part, where my power moment is shot to hell...anyway, after we both cooled down he just said "i'm just so disappointed in you. I don't want my wife out there dressed in a bikini to be a piece of meat for all of richmond to look at b/c everyone in richmond goes to the rocks! I thought you knew that, I thought you wouldn't even be comfortable with that yourself (as white as i am, yes you would think that, haha), but I guess I learned something new about you, and I don't like it, and I just feel like we have nothing between us now b/c we obviously don't want the same things." and he went on about how he had been getting better about trusting me, (which is true) but now he feels like he has to start all over b/c he thought i was just going to the rocks to walk around, not lay out, and he felt like i lied to him pretty much.
Geez, him saying that broke my heart. I NEVER wanted to disappoint him, i never wanted to intentionally hurt him! I never wanted him to feel i lied to him! I just wanted some sun!! i wanted to feel normal again! I wanted to feel normal even if it was just for a second! I didn't want to tell my friends, "oh no i'm sorry i can't go in a bathing suit!" and then i get the deer in the headlights look b/c their boyfriends or husbands have no issues with it and they just completely can't understand my situation. I JUST WANTED TO BE A WOMAN FOR A MOMENT!! Am I in the wrong?? Yes, I hesitated about the bathing suit, i did at first just plan to go in jeans and a t-shirt, b/c deep down i knew better, but for some reason I just didn't listen this time, and i usually never do that....But was I wrong to do that?? Should I have just not done it? Now I feel like I ruined our marriage and I feel at blame. It has been two days since the incident and he says he just doesn't feel the same anymore. So should I just accept this?? Am I to blame?? I'm confused. Sometimes I feel like I just never have a chance with him. He is so guarded, he has this huge wall, and he is so proud of it. I don't know...It breaks my heart...Is it wrong to be married and going to a place like that in a bathing suit without your husband?? i went with two girlfriends, no other guys...guys were there, and yes there were some men that stared at us, especially with my girlfriend with the Double D's, lol, but we didn't pay any attention to them! i really have no desire to have relations with another male! I am completely against cheating. I have been cheated on (not by my husband) and it hurts like hell, and i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy...so i didn't go to the river for other men, i really just wanted to go to have a little leisure time. the sun makes you feel good and i never get any anymore and i needed something, i just have this dark cloud over me all the time. is this really cause for divorce?? have i really ruined things?


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Wow, he is a serious power player...and if he made you feel bad for going out and wearing a bathing suit because you feel like you disappointed him...he really has you wrapped around his little finger.

There is some serious manipulation going on in this marriage, he is insecure, so much so it's off the charts.

I would advise at least a separation before you lose anymore of yourself to him. Once you lose yourself to this kind of marriage or relationship, it will be years before you get it back.

Preacher


----------



## odoca (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow, well I have no one else to blame but myself, I got myself in this mess, I'll get myself out of it. Truth is I've been in this type of situation before, it was actually worse, but I just didn't want to believe I did it to myself again. I feel like an idiot and ashamed and wonder why I'm attracted to men that like to f*ck with my head. But oh well, it is what it is, I'll deal with it and I'll get through it. It just pisses me off....I got out of one relationship like this and I found myself again and I was feeling strong and on top of the world and I had all these friends and people just loved me and I wasn't being judged anymore or someone putting me down, for the first time I was actually getting positive responses from the people around me and I just went through this total life change for the better!!....and then I just get myself right back where I started and lost just about everything I had. Gosh I'm an idiot.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Don't beat yourself up. However, you know this isn't a normal relationship. No man/woman should control the other spouse. You each should have respect for the other. 

Whatever his issues are...and there are many...you need to work on yourself to become indepedent (even in a marriage). This will take some work. Read some self help books or attending counseling.


----------



## odoca (Aug 24, 2009)

Thank you for your responses. I needed an outsider to look at the situation and tell me what is going on and I appreciate you doing that. The whole situation is pretty pathetic and stupid and I feel embarrassed that I even have to write in a forum b/c my husband wants a divorce for wearing a bikini. It just sounds really childish, and I just know I'm way smarter then this. I've dealt with worse so I just don't even know why I'm going to get choked up over this man. He either loves me or he doesn't, he either respects me and wants to treat me right or he doesn't and I'm just going to tell him that, no point on dwelling on it any further. If I can go two years without ever even raising my voice at him then he can sure as hell treat me right if he wants to. I'm tired of peoples games and selfish desires, there is always a choice and I'm just not sticking around for someone to CHOOSE to be an a$$hole! Anyway, I'm not really sure what's going to happen from here, but I am going to use your suggestions, and I really do appreciate them. Thank you!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

odoca said:


> I feel like an idiot and ashamed and wonder why I'm attracted to men that like to f*ck with my head. But oh well, it is what it is, I'll deal with it and I'll get through it. It just pisses me off....I got out of one relationship like this and I found myself again


well, at least you recognize it. thats good. theres a couple of books you may want to read: Seat of the Soul and Radical Forgiveness. They really helped me.


----------



## odoca (Aug 24, 2009)

Thank you! I will check those out!


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

odoca said:


> My husband is a little bit controlling. He likes to keep me close by and has major trust issues. Just every part of my life he wants some sort of control over, even the clothes I wear, crap I can't even go to our mail box b/c he thinks the neighbors across the street are weird and he doesn't want them seeing me.....In the two years we have been together not once have we ever gone anywhere like the beach or a lake or anywhere where I would need to wear a bathing suit.
> 
> . He took my rings from me, took my cell phone, told me to leave, and just said it was over. (this has happened numerous times, he likes to play that game)
> 
> . is this really cause for divorce???



yes...those things are a major cause for divorce as he is too controlling. Anyone would divorce for those reasons and have grounds to... as its pure insanity.


----------

