# Wife Doesn't Want to Work on Things Right Now



## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

This is a long one, my first post, after reading through a great many threads here. 

Just before our 21st anniversary, I discovered through cell phone records that my wife had been talking and texting with a man she met on trip with friends to - where else - an 80's themed night club about 3 hrs from us. She has gong on overnight trips to this place a half-dozen times in the last year, with her friends from work. They're all married, in mid-40's same as my wife. 

I confronter her, and after much crying, pleading, arguing, etc. she repeatedly said she wish she could tell me what I wanted to hear - that she wanted to work things out, wanted to end things with him - but felt she wanted to continue. 

We got into counseling right away - probably a mistake, in hindsight - and we went together once, then had individual visits with him. 

All she would tell me was his name, he worked on a family farm, and of course I had his cell phone number. Of course, he is (supposedly) newly or getting divorced, around our age, was married 18 years, and has 2 small kids. I did as much research online as I could, and got lucky, as he had sold a piece of property a few years ago and had listed his cell number there. 

I did more research - which he got wind of - and immediately broke things off with my wife. They had seen each other twice, and supposedly nothing more than kissed. But as soon as he caught me snooping - he called it off. This tells me that he isn't really divorced, and is still married. I've questioned her numerous times about why she would trust this guy, that she met in a bar, and believe every line he's fed her. 

Well, when he broke it off, after that she refused to go back to counseling. I've gone back a few times, and plan to continue, although I know from talking with her that she feels like we're conspiring to manipulate or "fix" her. 

The counselor has been advising me to play it cool, work on myself - which I've done in a big way. Lost 25lbs so far, joined a gym, walking like a maniac, and feel more focused and awake than I have in years. He's advised me to not pressure her at all if at all possible - know how difficult this all is, as I've the one who has been "wronged."

We have 4 kids together - 18, 16, 13, 11 - and while I acknowledge we have a great many issues, that both ignored over the years, and have been through a great deal of family and financial stress, she has told me that she doesn't want to work on this right now, and asked me to move out. 

I've told her that there is no way that I'm leaving the house - giving our kids the impression that I've given up - but if she wants to leave, clear her head, have time to think, etc. - she's free to do so. She countered this with.. How could *I* make her do that to the kids? She feels they'd be more comfortable/happier here in the house with her than with me. 

I'm a devoted father, it's the one area of my life that hasn't been upended in all this - and I told her that there's no way I'm leaving, especially if we're getting on that road to separation and divorce with any effort at seeing if we can resolve our issues - and I told her further that I will not lie to our kids either. 

She's said repeatedly that kids are strong, resilient, that they'll take "our lead" in any kind of a discussion with them about us breaking up/separating/etc. I've told her that I will not tell our kids that we're "working on things" if in fact we are not - and she has expressed repeatedly that she doesn't want to "right now." 

I feel the kids have a right to know - if they ask me - that it's not ME that wants this. I've told her, I'm in this for the long haul, I'm here, ready to talk, ready to work on things - but that if she's in a hurry to move on, etc. - she's free to investigate a lawyer and initiate the process. 

She asked me yesterday, how long I would be willing to "be here" in this situation, with her not wanting to work on things - I've been sleeping downstairs, and apart from exercising/walking, have been spending as much time as I can with the kids, more so than usual. They know something is going on, and my oldest has told me that they've been talking about our "fighting" but hope that everything "works out."

My wife is a great mom - aside from the last 4 months during this phone/texting relationship during which she was distant, going to the gym, walking with friends, and just irritable as hell - due to "guilt" she says - and I don't want to turn my kids against her, but I feel they have a right to know, if it's over - who chose to make that decision - as I wasn't a part of the discussion, I was just informed of her choice. 

I'm wounded, and have been crying off/on again, having to excuse myself from a few family situations, and am trying to come to grips with my wife pretty much telling me that after 21 years, 4 great kids - that she's not willing at all to try and salvage anything from our years together - not for our sake, nor the kids'. 

I would appreciate any thoughts, advice, etc. I've my wife that I'm dug in like a tic - there's no way I'm leaving on my own - and sort of feel that since she is the one who has chosen to leave the marriage - not to mention cheated - that I shouldn't be the one to leave. 

Ultimately, we'll do whatever is best for our kids - but I'm at a loss right now. I'm trying to play it cool, trying to do the "180" but would appreciate any help.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Tell the kids, all of them are at an age where they can assimilate all the info that you're going to give them, i'd probably tell the 18 and 16 year old without mincing words(just don't paint the picture that mom is bad) state facts. The 14 and 11 year old can get a watered down version of the truth.

Tell OM's wife, exposure is the best way to go about this because I'm pretty certain she's taken the A underground

Your counselor is partly right in saying that its time for you to play it cool, and its good that you've made a decision to stay put

But get your arse back to your room and get her to move downstairs. Realistically you need to stop hoping for the marriage to work out and start looking at how you can come out of this flustercluck without too much damage ie A divorce or an R


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

They did a lot more than kissing. Have you exposed the affair to the family?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

DON'T LEAVE. _Stay_ in your house, damn-it.

I strongly disagree with your counselor - what your wife needs _is_ pressure. She's playing it safe. She has a comfy house, she knows you will always be around to support her, and she gets to have fun and have an affair on the side. Textbook cake- eating. You need to kick her legs out from under her and nail her with a cold dose of reality.

Since you're wife refuses to work things out, get yourself to a lawyer and work on divorcing her. This may force her to realize what she is gambling away by having an affair.

Expose the affair to _everyone_. Since you haven't already exposed the affair to the OM's wife, do so now. Hire an investigator if you need to, and find out whatever you need about this OM and his family. His wife _definitely_ does not know, so be sure you tell her when you find her. I say tell you kids as well. Tell your family, and tell _her_ family, that she is having an affair with this man.

Don't make her breach of trust and disrespect _easy_ for her, for goodness sake. She wants to have an affair? Then she can deal with the consequences too.

EDIT: I wanted to add (after reading Warlock's post) that they _most definitely_ did more than kissing, and that you should be completely prepared for the worst. She was having overnight trips in his town. They were having sex. It isn't even a _question_, so don't fool yourself into thinking your wife hasn't already gone that far.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You do not leave your house, and there is no reason, why you should not have the comfort of the bedroom----she cheated, not you---move her into a little room elsewhere in the house

Be wary of your marital assets---specially if she is contemplating leaving

Its up to you, how much misery you are willing to accept---if she doesn't wanna be married---tell her fine--to go ahead and file for D---make sure she knows, that you do not intend to stay in limbo, for too long---you either want this to work out, or if she doesn't wanna continue---then it is time for you to start looking at a future w/out her.

You need to give her a dose of reality---so far she has been with a lover, and has had no consequences/accountability--


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> How could *I* make her do that to the kids?


God. It's so frustrating when they get in the Affair Fog!

YOU have made her do nothing to the kids!

SHE chose to cheat on you and the kids! Not you, OR the kids!

And by the way, great moms do NOT cheat on their children with another married man. NEVER.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The marriage, the foundation of the family, has been torned asunder by her affair and her refusal to end it. The kids, if they are old enough, will understand who caused it and if they suffer for it, she will be the one responsible for it and not the messenger of the truth, you.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Thanks for the comments all. I'm seriously thinking about moving back into "my" bedroom, as I don't feel that I was the one who made the choice to leave the marriage itself. 

The counselor (back when he was "our" counselor for a couple of weeks) made the comment that while the affair is a big issue, there are obviously a great many other issues, etc. that we need to deal with, that lead to the affair. 

I've told my wife, I accept completely that perhaps I wasn't meeting some of her needs, but conversely she has become so self-focused in the last year or two - all the hallmarks of a wife mid-life crisis that I can see - that she hasn't been focused on "us" in quite some time. 

As we've gone through financial issues, etc. she has frequently questioned whether things will get better, she wishes we could "shrink" the kids, etc. that I'm beginning to feel that I don't even want to resolve things with her, if she's will to ditch our marriage due to the normal stresses of everyday life. 

I told her the other day, her lack of desire for even talking about this, working on "us" at all - pretty much hurts more than the affair itself.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

She wants the house? While you move out alone? WTF?

She left the marriage, she doesn't want to work on it anymore. That means she LOSES the house, the daily comforts it affords her with her children, and everything else she tossed out the window with her vows.

I would be fuming. Don't leave. You should have told her to leave as soon as she told you she wanted out. My H is still arguing over who leaves and we have no kids in the house any longer. You have kids. This is their home. This is also the marital home. That means people on board with the marriage get to live there. 

I know you are hurting. But don't let her pull that "the kids will be lost without me" routine on you. If she was so worried about the fallout on the kids, she would have come to you and asked for a divorce without turning your marriage into the jerry springer show.

Honestly, some people!

Please take care of yourself.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

morituri said:


> The marriage, the foundation of the family, has been torned asunder by her affair and her refusal to end it. The kids, if they are old enough, will understand who caused it and if they suffer for it, she will be the one responsible for it and not the messenger of the truth, you.


I agree completely... When I've tried to discuss the affair, she frequently brings up the reasons she was unhappy, worried about money, worried about my health, other issues... I've pointed out that *I* didn't cause her to flirt with this guy, nor to be receptive to however he came on to her. 

She named him in her phone address book a name only 1 letter off from that of her best friend... I pointed this out to her - she had claimed it meant nothing - that she clearly knew she was doing ME wrong - as well as our 4 kids - when she was communicating with him, hence the guilt, etc.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

br1an said:


> Thanks for the comments all. I'm seriously thinking about moving back into "my" bedroom, as I don't feel that I was the one who made the choice to leave the marriage itself.
> 
> The counselor (back when he was "our" counselor for a couple of weeks) made the comment that while the affair is a big issue, there are obviously a great many other issues, etc. that we need to deal with, that lead to the affair.
> 
> ...


Permission to speak freely......

NOTHING YOU DID LED TO HER AFFAIR. Her selfishness led to her affair. You may have had marital issues, who doesn't? But that does not create a cheater. If that were true, there would be no betrayed spouses.

Your counselor is wrong if they are saying something you did made her cheat. Thats BS. Her choice to go outside the marriage to "solve" her marital problems was not a "choice" you made together. It was one she made on her own and now is trying to blame you for it. Don't take that.

Own up that the marital problems are both of yours 50/50. But the choice to cheat is hers alone.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Permission to speak freely......
> 
> NOTHING YOU DID LED TO HER AFFAIR. Her selfishness led to her affair. You may have had marital issues, who doesn't? But that does not create a cheater. If that were true, there would be no betrayed spouses.
> 
> ...


LostWife.. I agree completely, and have told her many times that OUR problems are OUR problems - but I didn't cause her to cheat, lie, and make around 30+ phone calls to the guy, not to mention hundreds of texts (which I have a date/time report of - unbeknownst to her). I can see when they texted, who initiated it, etc. for a certain period of time. 

Chickensh!t (as I think of the other guy switched to another phone soon after the Discovery - yes she maintain some contact with him - until he broke it off. Like I'm not going to wonder about ANOTHER phone from the same area code/exchange suddenly making calls... Jeeze idiots.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You do not leave your house, and there is no reason, why you should not have the comfort of the bedroom----she cheated, not you---move her into a little room elsewhere in the house
> 
> Be wary of your marital assets---specially if she is contemplating leaving
> 
> ...


I've already scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer to get an idea of preparation, etc. just in case it comes to that. I told her the other morning, when she was asking me how long I was going to persist in this "situation" that I can put up with a lot of misery, as I hope that she'll come to her senses and try to make amends before she rips apart our family.

I told her, I can put up with no affection, no physical contact at all, which is tough, as my health has improved and the weight has come off - 25lbs so far - I feel like a teenager again, and can even put up with feeling unwanted/unloved/angry/etc. - as I'm in it for the long haul. 

I told her, if she's in such a rush, go see a damn lawyer and do something about it, and we'll see how it plays out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife, probably deep down doesn't believe that you want a divorce and therefore she can eat cake indefinitely. That is going to change when she gets served with divorce papers.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

morituri said:


> Your wife, probably deep down doesn't believe that you want a divorce and therefore she can eat cake indefinitely. That is going to change when she gets served with divorce papers.


She definitely doesn't want to take the first step. I truly don't want to rush into D, as a way to show her that there are consequences for her actions - I think she realizes that. I've told her that the kids will deserve to know which one of us WANTS the D - and I think she knows they would see her in a whole new light if they knew that she had not only given up, but cheated. 

I still am hoping that she comes to her senses, and realize we have something to work on, work for - and work toward.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I understand your apprehension but unless you start taking a "prepare for the worst" mindset, you will be caught off guard and then you won't have time to develop a sound plan of action. I recommend that you go to *Dads divorce* and read the forum threads including *Lessons Learned - Before and During*. Learn as much as you can and get yourself the best lawyer out there who will fight for you and not simply take your money and tell you to play dead.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember filing for D is not the same as finalizing a D! There is always a waiting period and its this twaiting period that gives your WW a chance tp turn a corner. The filing can alway be with drawn. 

I would be very careful, is this the kind of women you want to grow old with, in your time of bad health will she be around for you?

My point is she has to want you. So ya you want a divorce and the kids should be told why infact you want a divorce...a lesson to them that cheating is unexceptable.

So if your waiting for her to turn a corner she will need the motivation by showing her that you will keep the house and the kids and all the money. This is not realistic but the fact that she cheated and scaring the crap out of her with a nuclear filling stating this will maybe motivate her.

Sure she can contest, but the point is using a scare tactic that will get her to think twice about what she could lose, even in all states in the country they favor the wife, but again you don't want a divorce just a tactic to show her the possiblity of what she could loss....get it?

So have her served and have the OM mentioned in the papers and but the fear of god in here. Also talk to your lawyer with regards to a maoral clause that will prevent the OM or any OM from being around your kids. Again the paper need to look as scary as possible for her to see what she created.

Its my experience that you have to push them away and piss them off to get them to come around. Granted if this was an exit affair then all bets are off. But from what you mentioned she got cuaght up with some toxic friends and a smooth talking vampire. So pull her out of her fantasy by spending the dough on showing her the reality of her disicions.

Hopefully she finds the want to keep you from dumbing her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

br1an said:


> I agree completely... When I've tried to discuss the affair, she frequently brings up the reasons she was unhappy, worried about money, worried about my health, other issues... I've pointed out that *I* didn't cause her to flirt with this guy, nor to be receptive to however he came on to her.
> 
> She named him in her phone address book a name only 1 letter off from that of her best friend... I pointed this out to her - she had claimed it meant nothing - that she clearly knew she was doing ME wrong - as well as our 4 kids - when she was communicating with him, hence the guilt, etc.





> worried about my health


 :wtf: Seriously?


> "I was so worried about your health, that I decided to cheat on you and destroy your life."


When I read that I actually put my head in my hands.

_Really_? if she seriously believes what she says, then she must be mentally ill.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

An Example, I did file for the D , wifey was halfway through the waking up period, she did wake up completely after she got the papers and I pulled the plug after a while

Doesn't necessarily mean that this is going to happen to you but then life is unpredictable , expect the best prepare for the worst


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Basing on what you said, your wife is utterly selfish. You definitely cannot nice her out of the affair and she does not deserve it. It wasn't very clear whether it ended in your posts but usually affairs when caught go under ground. She is most likely still in the affair at some level.

And kick her out of the bedroom. She is the one that betrayed the marriage and family. Move back in immediately. If she is not fine with it, she can move out.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

br1an said:


> I've already scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer to get an idea of preparation, etc. just in case it comes to that. I told her the other morning, when she was asking me how long I was going to persist in this "situation" that I can put up with a lot of misery, as I hope that she'll come to her senses and try to make amends before she rips apart our family.
> 
> I told her, I can put up with no affection, no physical contact at all, which is tough, as my health has improved and the weight has come off - 25lbs so far - I feel like a teenager again, and can even put up with feeling unwanted/unloved/angry/etc. - as I'm in it for the long haul.
> 
> I told her, if she's in such a rush, go see a damn lawyer and do something about it, and we'll see how it plays out.



Absolutely no, very bad idea. Don't do this. Limbo is hell.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Basing on what you said, your wife is utterly selfish. You definitely cannot nice her out of the affair and she does not deserve it. It wasn't very clear whether it ended in your posts but usually affairs when caught go under ground. She is most likely still in the affair at some level.


She is certainly acting like she is still emotionally attached to him. Maybe they switched up how they communicate, or maybe she maintains a one-sided obsession by tracking him on FB or via mutual friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Own up that the marital problems are both of yours 50/50. But the choice to cheat is hers alone.


Studies have shown that the cheater is usually responsible for many of the problems in the marriage. It may be 50/50 in Bri1an's case or it may not be. Methinks that 50/50 figure gets tossed around too much. I know in my case that the figure probably was closer to 70% my wife's fault.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Thanks for all the comments and advice guys... I'm not planning on this "limbo" lasting forever. I get the feeling based on some comments - and reading up on Walk Away Wife Syndrome - that she checked out a while back, and this affair was the kicker to deciding to "end" it with me. 

I haven't told her, but I do have an appointment with a lawyer next week, and I plan on making a game plan with her on going about shocking her into seeing what see's doing now - and there are consequences for what she's done. 

I'd rather not file... I guess I'm still hoping, but from what I've read, if they have checked out - it's hard for them to step back from that.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

morituri said:


> I understand your apprehension but unless you start taking a "prepare for the worst" mindset, you will be caught off guard and then you won't have time to develop a sound plan of action. I recommend that you go to *Dads divorce* and read the forum threads including *Lessons Learned - Before and During*. Learn as much as you can and get yourself the best lawyer out there who will fight for you and not simply take your money and tell you to play dead.


Checking this site out right now, very helpful - thanks! This site in general has been so helpful, so much more so than the how to save how to recover from infidelity stuff out there.


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