# Stuck. Where do I go from here?



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi All,

Just spent the last hour typing up my story- only for a power surge to shut down my computer and I lost the whole post!  Oh well.

So, now, the short version-

I've been married to my STBX since June, however we've been together for over 7 years now. I have a 9 y/o ds from a previous marriage whom STBX views as his own, however he did not adopt him once we were legally married. 

I discovered on Christmas Eve, just a few months into our marriage, that my STBX had been carrying on an EA/PA with his much older & married boss. The EA began in March, before we were married and the PA began in November. Did a far and wide exposure after collecting evidence and confrontation as well as laid down the guidelines to come back to the marriage. He followed all except for one- which was to no longer contact his AP. After his AP betrayed husband called me and shared an email he had intercepted between them, I promptly kicked him out.

I did not contact him for the entire month of January to get my head straight. February and March, we attended several marriage counseling sessions as well as he attended his own individual counseling. We were still living seperately, although at this point he met all conditions to begin to recover the marriage. We went on a few "dates" throughout this time.

April comes and something triggers inside of me. I don't know if it's my pride, ego, whatever- but I just can't do it. I quit marriage counseling and filed for divorce on the 13th. I can't reconcile how a man does this to his family. My STBX who just MONTHS before spoke his vows to me...I mean...WTF. My poor son is devestated that I made this choice. He's so young and doesn't understand. He wants me to "forgive step-dad and let him come back home". 

Anyway, I file and then it hits me. Uncontrollable crying, a major wave of depression. I can't believe my marriage is ending and I can't believe this all happened. I realized I am way too emotional to make a decision like divorce in this moment so I let him take me out to dinner last weekend to talk. That turned into dinner on Friday, Saturday and Sunday where no talk of the affair happened, just catching up and generally enjoying each others company. 

This bring me to today. I'm not ready to say yes or no to our marriage. I'm just stuck, for lack of better words. I miss the "good husband" and want him back. I want another chance at building a good marriage. BUT- on the flip side, I don't want to be the woman who took her husband back, only to find out years later he is still cheating.

I've just started lurking here as I spent the past few months on a few other infidelity websites but happen to google something and this site came up. This community appears to be a bit more active than the other site I was on, so you will see a lot more of me. Thanks in advance for any advice or support!

-Bluebird


----------



## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

You should have stayed with your initial strategy which was to divorce the guy who cheated on you and kept it a secret, only months after you got married.

If you hadn't been contacted by the OW's husband you'd still be getting cheated on.

You caught a break, don't overlook it.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It is very natural for your emotions to go back and forth. Many here go from divorce to reconciliation then back to divorce.

I applaud you for recognizing that your emotions are too raw to make a decision at this time. The ball is in your court. Take your time. Do what is best for you and the child.

How can he be claiming no contact, when this person is his boss? I do not see how you can reconcile while he still works with her daily.

Get yourself to a doctor and tell them what is happening and about your emotional state and depression. They can get you on some meds that will help.

Again - you are in control - do what is best for you and the child.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't be surprised if he had cheated before the marriage. To do this so soon is out of character for virtually every moral newlywed there is.

I'm not telling you to divorce the guy because obviously your son is very attached to him but what I do advise you is not to rug sweep his affair. If he's doing this supposedly only a couple of months into your marriage, imagine what will happen as the years go by and the stress and monotony of marriage takes hold. 

I think you should ask him if he meant anything in the vows he said.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Set a date. Mine is August the 15th. I was told not to make a hasty decision. Right now I am in R and it looks like we might just make it. But it is hard. Add to the fact that I took a promotion and I live in another city during the week. The A had already started before I did this and I did not know about it.

The date allows you to see if things can work out and allows you time to process things.

Some people D right away and don't look back when these things happen. I get it. But whether you D or R it is still hell.

Only you can decide and in my opinion you will go back and forth and that is normal.

If he cheated on you so soon into the marriage it is not a good sign that this marriage will work out.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

It's normal and natural to think you can not forgive, ever. I let my H back with every intention of playing him like a fiddle, I was going to do to him what he did to me. Blindside? I can play nice and show you a blindside. I know it's wrong, but it got me through those rough first weeks/months whatever it takes for you. I also remained on top of everything, texts, whereabouts, I mean EVERYTHING. Guess what? He was truly sorry. He was truly done with OW. He wanted to reconnect better then we had ever been before. Slowly I came around. He did the hard work and then I joined in. I never had that revenge affair. It's been years now and the hurt never goes totally away, but really time helps so much. And even though I wish this horrible A never happened, we do have a better marriage today. Good luck to you.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> How can he be claiming no contact, when this person is his boss? I do not see how you can reconcile while he still works with her daily.


Thank you for your kind words. As per the question above, he quit his job shortly after DDay. That last contact was his last day of work. Saying their goodbyes. Yuck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if he had cheated before the marriage. To do this so soon is out of character for virtually every moral newlywed there is.
> 
> I'm not telling you to divorce the guy because obviously your son is very attached to him but what I do advise you is not to rug sweep his affair. If he's doing this supposedly only a couple of months into your marriage, imagine what will happen as the years go by and the stress and monotony of marriage takes hold.
> 
> I think you should ask him if he meant anything in the vows he said.


Ding, ding, ding...we've been here before. However, we were "on a break"- ala Ross & rachael. Anyway, this is not my first rodeo. However, last time, I did rug sweep. Not this time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Set a date. Mine is August the 15th. I was told not to make a hasty decision.


Thank you for that suggestion. How long are you giving yourself? Is that 6 months, a year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## itsnotyouitsme (Apr 25, 2012)

Take your time bluebird. My wife's EA with her coworker "ended" a month ago. I still struggle with what she did everyday. One day at a time I tell myself. Keep posting I think the more you can bounce things off of people the more you can clear your fog and figure out what is best for you.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bluebird611 said:


> Ding, ding, ding...we've been here before. However, we were "on a break"- ala Ross & rachael. Anyway, this is not my first rodeo. However, last time, I did rug sweep. Not this time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Has he shown any remorse for his actions or is he expecting you to forget about all of this like the past?

I think you should push through with the divorce and see how far he willing to go to get you back. Only then will you realise how committed he is to you.


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

itsnotyouitsme said:


> Take your time bluebird. My wife's EA with her coworker "ended" a month ago. I still struggle with what she did everyday. One day at a time I tell myself. Keep posting I think the more you can bounce things off of people the more you can clear your fog and figure out what is best for you.


Thank you. I will be around here a lot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Has he shown any remorse for his actions or is he expecting you to forget about all of this like the past?
> 
> I think you should push through with the divorce and see how far he willing to go to get you back. Only then will you realise how committed he is to you.


He has and continues to be very remorseful. In fact, he has now met all the original conditions I've placed for reconciliation and even with me feeling as though I don't know what I want, he's continuing to "do whatever I need" to get us back on track. I suppose I should be thankful for that. I've read so many horrible stories over the last few months of the affair continuing and the spouse in heavy fog...I have what I asked for but I just can't accept it. 

Anyway, the papers are still filed and I can choose to settle it in mid June. The clock is still ticking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bluebird611 said:


> He has and continues to be very remorseful. In fact, he has now met all the original conditions I've placed for reconciliation and even with me feeling as though I don't know what I want, he's continuing to "do whatever I need" to get us back on track. I suppose I should be thankful for that. I've read so many horrible stories over the last few months of the affair continuing and the spouse in heavy fog...I have what I asked for but I just can't accept it.
> 
> Anyway, the papers are still filed and I can choose to settle it in mid June. The clock is still ticking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then the ball is in your park. Naturally feelings of bitterness and resentment will fester (and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future) and so you'll have to decide if you're content enough with his level of remorse to give him technically a 3rd chance. He'll also have to find ways to help you through your triggers.

Did he give you any reason why he would cheat so soon?


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Did he give you any reason why he would cheat so soon?


He said he felt inadequate as a man. He was raised with his father providing for his mother and his siblings and he wanted the same. However, I was the breadwinner while he struggled working 3 jobs only to bring in half what I do monthly. It didn't bug me, I enjoy working. He was deeply depressed by it though and instead of talking to me about it, he confided in his boss who then began to boost his ego and feed that need for admiration. You know how the story goes from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bluebird611 said:


> He said he felt inadequate as a man. He was raised with his father providing for his mother and his siblings and he wanted the same. However, I was the breadwinner while he struggled working 3 jobs only to bring in half what I do monthly. It didn't bug me, I enjoy working. He was deeply depressed by it though and instead of talking to me about it, he confided in his boss who then began to boost his ego and feed that need for admiration. You know how the story goes from there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strange. If you read some of the threads here, you'll find that alot of women tend to lose respect and consequently cheat on men who earn less or are stay at home dads. It's usually the men who are afraid that their wives will cheat, not the other way around. I can certainly understand where he's coming from I.e it's emasculating that your wife earns more than you but you're right, he should've confided in you.

What's even more strange is that alot of women tend to stay with their cheating husbands because they're very much dependent on them, you're the exact opposite. Are you having second thoughts because you genuinely love this man or is it because of your boy?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Set a date. Mine is August the 15th. I was told not to make a hasty decision. Right now I am in R and it looks like we might just make it. But it is hard. Add to the fact that I took a promotion and I live in another city during the week. The A had already started before I did this and I did not know about it.
> 
> The date allows you to see if things can work out and allows you time to process things.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I set mine for DDay plus 8 months. It wasnt until I had started getting over the anger stage to be able to think clearly and observe her actions and verifying that I finally decided to give her the gift of R.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bluebird, one question I suggest you consider is, do you want this man to be a role model for your son? Take your time. He is a serial cheater. There's something broken inside him, which you alluded to.


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Strange. If you read some of the threads here, you'll find that alot of women tend to lose respect and consequently cheat on men who earn less or are stay at home dads. It's usually the men who are afraid that their wives will cheat, not the other way around. I can certainly understand where he's coming from I.e it's emasculating that your wife earns more than you but you're right, he should've confided in you.
> 
> What's even more strange is that alot of women tend to stay with their cheating husbands because they're very much dependent on them, you're the exact opposite. Are you having second thoughts because you genuinely love this man or is it because of your boy?


I agree. Our situation is a bit odd. I also can understand how he would have felt emasculated. 

However, I never once complained about him not providing, nor did I stipulate that as something I was looking for in a partner. I think that's one of the things that hurt me the most about this. It's not like he was being pressured to step it up. If anything, he had NO demands or expectations to meet as far as providing. My salary covered everything we needed & more. 

Additionally, we did talk about this often, and I continued to reassure him that it was A-OKAY that I was the breadwinner. No sweat off my back. If he was upset by it, I was willing to help him find another job. But, he chose to whine it out to his shrek in lipstick girlfriend instead.

My second thoughts stem mostly from the fact that I love this man dearly and short of this disgusting affair, we had a very beautiful seven years together that were not disfunctional. My son, of course, also plays a role in this. They are very close and it breaks my heart that my STBX destroyed that.


----------



## bluebird611 (Apr 25, 2012)

river rat said:


> Bluebird, one question I suggest you consider is, do you want this man to be a role model for your son? Take your time. He is a serial cheater. There's something broken inside him, which you alluded to.


Thank you for asking. No, I do not want my son to think it is okay to behave in the way my STBX has. This keeps me from moving one way or another, because I need to see that this was really a mistake. Not something that defines who my STBX is. If my son EVER did what my STBX has, I would lose my ****.


----------

