# Overly nice people in marriage. How do you think?



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Based on my observation on TAM, I notice a lot of very nice people living in a bad marriage. Also few very mice people living in a very good marriage. So here is my conclusion. How do you think?

1.	Overly nice people have a higher risk of marrying a bad spouse and becoming a victim in a bad marriage. Here the bad spouse means those people with personality disorders or simply abusers. Those “bad spouse” people intentionally pick overly nice people to become their spouse because they are more “selfless” ,“giving” , “trusting” and will put up with a lot of sh*t.

2.	When one overly nice people marry another overly nice people, they can make a great marriage. They both take making the other spouse happy as their job. They both put the other spouse’s need above their own need. So overall, their relationship will be very harmonious and full of love. 

3.	When an overly nice people marry a normal people. The marriage won’t necessarily turn out good. This is because human nature has a tendency of “Hedonic Adaptation”. At beginning, the person will feel thrilled to have a spouse so selfless. But after 6, 7 years into the marriage, the person will just get used to it and take it for granted. Since the overly nice people don’t take care of his/her own needs, then the other spouse will tend to ignore his/her needs too. Eventually, their relationship might turn sour and the marriage end up not happy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your entire post is based on a HUGE assumption.

That many people here are nice. Nobody really knows that and anyone can paint a pretty picture (and MOST do).

Also, even under your assumption, there never is an easy answer or "one of 3 choices".

Human beings and relationships are WAY more complicated than that.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I was just thinking - having been the "giver" in relationships it would be nice to be with a giver, but I keep choosing takers. Why is that? How do I spot a giver? Maybe I've had them in my life but have rejected them because they were "too nice." I had a rebound guy that I found myself saying that about. I wished he weren't always around and had his own interests. Balanced would be good. Does that exist?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I was just thinking - having been the "giver" in relationships it would be nice to be with a giver, but I keep choosing takers. Why is that? How do I spot a giver? Maybe I've had them in my life but have rejected them because they were "too nice." I had a rebound guy that I found myself saying that about. I wished he weren't always around and had his own interests. Balanced would be good. Does that exist?


Some like to give

Some like to receive

Goal is to find someone RIGHT in the middle. Neither extreme is good. NOTHING taken to the extreme is good.

It's about moderation


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Coco2014 said:


> Also few very mice people living in a very good marriage.


I can think of one couple that might just disagree with you.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

In the beginning a nice person could have thought they were with a nice person but their love goggles wouldn't allow them to see the real person they were with. Its easy to be blinded by love. Then the love goggles come off and you have a very unhappy person seeing their spouse for the first time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ya that's me Mr. nice guy!

Now give me your stuff and I won't hurt you

Seriously...maybe if some of us *were* so phucking nice we wouldn't get screwed over by our spouses.

Sure I agree with you to some degree. Look at the other side of the coin on your point #2. When a married couple are both mean, then you get along great knowing how jacked up sh1t will get when you cross each other. 

I'm just saying...generally speaking that you can't generalize all marriages.
There are some folks that live on the other side of the tracks!

That's my $0.02


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I was just thinking - having been the "giver" in relationships it would be nice to be with a giver, but I keep choosing takers. Why is that? How do I spot a giver? Maybe I've had them in my life but have rejected them because they were "too nice." I had a rebound guy that I found myself saying that about. I wished he weren't always around and had his own interests. Balanced would be good. Does that exist?


Givers saddle up to takers because takers typically have forward momentum and are decisive, giving something for the giver to latch onto. If you pair up two givers they will perpetually live in indecision. I think balance can exist if a taker tendency can back down and encourage the giver to speak up for themselves...and the giver can develop some sense of self.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

When I see those super nice people who are so selfless, so kind, so soft and so giving, I think why I don't have someone like that? I will treat him well. I believe I most likely have dated someone like that(maybe just one date, or two dates) at one time, so why I did not pick them?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Coco2014 said:


> B
> 
> 3. This is because human nature has a tendency of “Hedonic Adaptation”. At beginning, the person will feel thrilled to have a spouse so selfless.


yep have seen that in action. The solution is to not be so nice all the time. Keep mixing it up. For instance, if you have been going out of your way to do the dishes a lot, and start getting sh*t for leaving stuff on the floor, just let the dishes pile up like he leaning tower of pizza. Subconsciously, at least, spouse will get the message to back the heck off...appreciate when you do the dishes again


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have been told by everyone i know i am " too nice"! And I am. Working very hard to change the too nice about myself. 

People who are too nice get walked on. I don't speak my mind, i hold my tongue when i really shouldnt. I hate this about myself! Change is hard, but i am no longer going to let people walk all over me anymore! I have already started!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My Husband is a Good man (could also be referred to as "nice")...he is not a Prick...a *ick.. or a son of a B ....he treats others with respect...even if he doesn't like them, he still won't resort to being a Prick... but he will do his best to ignore them and stay out of their way.. Sometimes you have to work with idiots..and I am always amused how they all like my husband but have no clue how he really feels about them. ...he is not one to stir the hornet's nest.. (I actually admire him for this)

I never liked those who don't treat others with kindness but come up to you with attitude or just think they are above you or could push you around... .. I would throw them from the Train.. I tend to stick up for the underdog. 

My Husband is naturally more selfless over ME.. but I am "moved" and very much appreciate good hearted people.. otherwise, to be perfectly honest, I don't think I would be easy to live with.. I would bulk and cause trouble with someone who didn't treat me right and seek to leave the relationship...I'd be very honest about it too. 

Authentically I aim to be a good person to all, give all a fair shake.. until they show me they don't exactly deserve it...at that point....like my husband...I will seek to ignore and stay out of their way /those I do not trust or who think they are going to use me/ abuse me....as I would not want them in my/our lives.....so I do gravitate to the nicer crowd so life is more carefree and enjoyable...

But to compare us.. he has the halo and I have the horns.. but it works well because I don't take advantage of him..I truly appreciate all that he brings to my life...and I show this in many many ways.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Takers get annoying really fast.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I never liked those who don't treat others with kindness but come up to you with attitude or just think they are above you or could push you around...


:iagree:

Someone being unkind is one of my biggest turn offs.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ladybird said:


> I have been told by everyone i know i am " too nice"! And I am. Working very hard to change the too nice about myself.
> 
> People who are too nice get walked on. I don't speak my mind, i hold my tongue when i really shouldnt. I hate this about myself! Change is hard, but i am no longer going to let people walk all over me anymore! I have already started!


You are wrong, very wrong and I think you are doing a wrong thing to change that.

People who are too nice only get walked on IF they allow to be walked on.

Anotherwords, be nice and yourself, but when you identify a person that is trying to walk on you, you confront them and tell them how it is > and not be so nice.

I usually isolate myself from such people as TO ME they are the worst of the worst. ANYONE that takes my kindness for granted and uses it against me = ****list

Problem solved


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"Don't mistake my kindess for weakness."


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> "Don't mistake my kindess for weakness."


Correct

And when you get to that point, and rid of cancer in your life.......good luck finding people that WON'T take your kindness for granted or use it against you.

Personally, I haven't found one yet (outside of my wife). Most people are just selfish and care about themselves. I think it's just human nature at this point.

The only exception to that rule is kids, there is no choice there and you have to bare with it, but still stand firm and tell them how it is. 

Kids have no limits either and are THE biggest abusers of "niceness" hehe (mind you my kids are great compare to most).....they push those buttons consistently.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

I knew a couple, he was mean, quick temper,huge EGO, it was all about him,and he was verbally abusive to his wife and physically and mentally abusive to his children
She was easy going and nice.. they were together just over 50 yrs and he got cancer and died.

Now over the years Ms Nice has taken on certain traits of her late husband.
Not as easy going, can say things that are rude,as a matter a fact, if you close your eyes, and listen you would swear her late husband was talking through her..

This i believe is what happens when you have to people living together a very long time and, the one has a very strong personally and the other does not..
The weaker one is being slowly molded over the years and takes on a different personality.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JASON56 said:


> I knew a couple, he was mean, quick temper,huge EGO, it was all about him,and he was verbally abusive to his wife and physically and mentally abusive to his children
> She was easy going and nice.. they were together just over 50 yrs and he got cancer and died.
> 
> Now over the years Ms Nice has taken on certain traits of her late husband.
> ...


I agree with this

BUT, to me, I don't care how strong you might be, when put in certain environment for long enough, you WILL become part of it.

That's just how it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think that's necessarily true.

I've known really mean people who are partnered with people sweet at pie and the latter stays that way. 

My grammy wasn't the nicest and my grandpa--everyone loved him. Complete opposites.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't think that's necessarily true.
> 
> I've known really mean people who are partnered with people sweet at pie and the latter stays that way.
> 
> My grammy wasn't the nicest and my grandpa--everyone loved him. Complete opposites.


I can relate to this as well.

I guess, there is always an exception to the rule.

:scratchhead:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I have been told by everyone i know i am " too nice"! And I am. Working very hard to change the too nice about myself.
> 
> People who are too nice get walked on. I don't speak my mind, i hold my tongue when i really shouldnt. I hate this about myself! Change is hard, but i am no longer going to let people walk all over me anymore! I have already started!


This has always been me too. I used to be very passive, and I hate conflict. I am getting better, I put up with a lot less sh!t from people than I used to and am able to speak my mind more often and more easily. 

I need to find a man who is as kind and laid back as I am.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DoF said:


> Personally, I haven't found one yet (outside of my wife). Most people are just selfish and care about themselves. I think it's just human nature at this point.


This has not been my experience ...... I have met many wonderful giving people in my lifetime... fond memories of some old friends/ current friends... the parents of some of my friends.. people at church... when you see them, you just get a big smile and you want to catch up sometimes. Many I have sat and been amazed at the love they have for others.. and I tell them this.. like a couple from our church...they want to adopt a family of siblings..they are on the waiting list.. I give them lots of credit.. I wouldn't be up for that ! Very unselfish.. Very giving..




> *3Xnocharm said*: *This has always been me too. I used to be very passive, and I hate conflict. I am getting better, I put up with a lot less sh!t from people than I used to and am able to speak my mind more often and more easily.*


 Has anyone ever suggested this book to you ...

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books



> Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives:
> 
> *Physical boundaries* help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances --
> *Mental boundaries *give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions --
> ...


It's written by Christians... but really one could overlook some of that.. it's basically common sense . I loved this book, read it when our 1st son was like 6 yrs old.. it helped me deal with one of my GF's who *I felt* was pushing just a little too hard -watching her kids.. and what she expected of me -when they were at my house....I was becoming a little resentful and I had to say something.. which I did.. nipped that in the butt.. this book can help you understand why you have that right ... and not feel bad about it..


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't think that's necessarily true.
> 
> I've known really mean people who are partnered with people sweet at pie and the latter stays that way.
> 
> My grammy wasn't the nicest and my grandpa--everyone loved him. Complete opposites.


The old generation tend to stay together no matter what. So even the old couple has been together for 50, 60 years, doesn't mean they have been all happily together for 50, 60 years.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This has not been my experience ...... I have met many wonderful giving people in my lifetime... fond memories of some old friends/ current friends... the parents of some of my friends.. people at church... when you see them, you just get a big smile and you want to catch up sometimes. Many I have sat and been amazed at the love they have for others.. and I tell them this.. like a couple from our church...they want to adopt a family of siblings..they are on the waiting list.. I give them lots of credit.. I wouldn't be up for that ! Very unselfish.. Very giving..


Where do you live? 

I'm an Atheist so I don't go to church.



Don't get me wrong, I see plenty of people like you defined above, but I'm not exactly sure I would want to hang out or be friends with them.

(circles back to, I can't be a good friend to begin with)


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

JASON56 said:


> I knew a couple, he was mean, quick temper,huge EGO, it was all about him,and he was verbally abusive to his wife and physically and mentally abusive to his children
> She was easy going and nice.. they were together just over 50 yrs and he got cancer and died.
> 
> Now over the years Ms Nice has taken on certain traits of her late husband.
> ...


I've seen nice people change like this as they age. I suspect that it's a change of mindset. They have been subservient for so long that they finally want ascendancy and demand it. It is their time to be in charge.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> ya that's me Mr. nice guy!
> 
> Now give me your stuff and I won't hurt you



lol, this should be my motto


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Coco2014 said:


> When I see those super nice people who are so selfless, so kind, so soft and so giving, I think why I don't have someone like that? I will treat him well. I believe I most likely have dated someone like that(maybe just one date, or two dates) at one time, so why I did not pick them?


The happiness of couples is largely due to whether or not each spouses needs are met individually and as a couple. They way I see niceness factoring in is when there is disagreement about marriage needs.

I think your niceness matrix is really an attempt to categorize happiness based upon conflict resolution. And the conjecture is that if a couples niceness is mismatched AND they don't have an effective way to resolve conflicts then the decision defaults to the less nice person because the nicer person defers. I can see this happening in many marriages. However it assumes that "overly nice" people will defer and avoid conflict.

Most people marry spouses that they are attracted towards more than for the compatibility of interaction. It so happens that we married each other taking strongly into account how we resolve problems as a result of my wife's and mine past relationships. This is something that has contributed significantly to our happiness and in our experience our "niceness" doesn't play much of a role.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I always liked the nice guys and I am a giver person. 

I dated one jerk for two years and met my nice husband on the rebound. My husband was from a large and close family. A nice farm family that really loved each other. 

My husband was very good to me until the day we married. Soon after we married, he was not mean but he just became indifferent. 

Neither one of us liked confrontation but I could do it if needed, he could not. 

Being a "nice" guy, in my husband's case, basically meant a non-confrontational coward, IMO, which led him to cheat.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DoF said:


> *Where do you live?
> 
> I'm an Atheist so I don't go to church.
> 
> ...


I live in the country in USA and in our county ...we have Amish people, though I don't live close to any of those.. I personally no longer attend church.. but I DO miss some of my friends who go.. really the only thing I miss IS the fellowship...

I am pretty straight forward.. don't hide too much and don't sugar coat things..nor to my Pastor to save face... all my friends know I no longer consider myself a believer.. I can't say any of those I was close to threw me under the bus over this.. (even if they may pray for me).. I can live with that..

I guess it rubs me the wrong way when I hear others TRUE feelings on how harshly they would throw stones at another just over belief..... doesn't it take a little more than this alone...surely you don't think they are all the same ??? 

I have met good ones and ONES that were very fundamentally minded to the point of great irritation & Yes, I felt bad for their spouses or kids big time!! ... but it's always by an individual basis .....and I feel the same about atheists , agnostics...no matter your religion, color, sex.... if you are a good person, it will show in how you treat others, those other things are secondary to me...

This is how I feel ...as I have thought a lot about this in my life after loosing my own religion....

"To me, it matters not what anyone believes, because if their belief makes/helps/uplifts them to be that better person/that good example to mankind & more helpful to society as a whole in this crazy selfish world, then I say .... "Live and let be", cause I think we all have MORE in common than NOT in common if we could just look beyond our "Creeds". 

However if I lived in a repressive Muslim reshime...I'd *not *feel this way..but feel all religion needs to DIE! ... but here in the US.. I so appreciate the Freedom we have ...

I am not sure what you mean by - "circles back around that you can't be a good friend to begin with"..... It does matter that people don't feel slighted by us..but welcoming.. and yes..if we enjoy friendships, we need to show ourselves friendly. 

If I meet someone with a scowl on their face..or I feel "looked down upon" in any way... I wouldn't bother with them.. ya know.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rugs said:


> I always liked the nice guys and I am a giver person.
> 
> I dated one jerk for two years and met my nice husband on the rebound. My husband was from a large and close family. A nice farm family that really loved each other.
> 
> ...


It is men like this to whom "No More Mr Nice Guy" is geared to...as they are like Telfon men...making it appear as though they are perfect to others...to gain something... but it could be just "Keeping up appearances" -when it's NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE....it's not authentic and can cause many issues down the road because of that internal conflict....








... People can only wear a mask so long....We all have flaws..it's very healthy to recognize them.. Jung spoke of  the Shadow ... we all have one.. 

Being *too passive* when we are not happy...often leads to great resentment even ..which then can lead to covering up bad behaviors...because how do they fess up now.. they are too cowardly to come forth with the truth -as now it would make them look VERY BAD....this is always a concern with those sort of Nice Guys.. 

I think this is a very good article for such men (and their wives)... Authentegrity


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I have been told by everyone i know i am " too nice"! And I am. Working very hard to change the too nice about myself.
> 
> People who are too nice get walked on. I don't speak my mind, i hold my tongue when i really shouldnt. I hate this about myself! Change is hard, but i am no longer going to let people walk all over me anymore! I have already started!



LB, maybe you need an assertiveness training class. There are a lot of people out there who are nice but also know how and when to say no to not be taken advantage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

meson said:


> The happiness of couples is largely due to whether or not each spouses needs are met individually and as a couple. They way I see niceness factoring in is when there is disagreement about marriage needs.
> 
> * I think your niceness matrix is really an attempt to categorize happiness based upon conflict resolution. And the conjecture is that if a couples niceness is mismatched AND they don't have an effective way to resolve conflicts then the decision defaults to the less nice person because the nicer person defers. I can see this happening in many marriages. However it assumes that "overly nice" people will defer and avoid conflict.*


 THIS IS VERY TRUE...the nicer spouse DEFERS many times....the remedy with this ... very much involves the more aggressive , tends to be more selfish spouse...that they actually CARE...and seek out what the nicer spouse wants.. by asking questions , and seeking to treat them fairly ...so he/she will he happy as well ..and not prone to resentment down the line.. seek to always make "peace"/working it out.. so they go forth together... united.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

What you say is possible but there are also a lot of tough, difficult people who perceive their problem in life that they are too nice.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> This has always been me too. I used to be very passive, and I hate conflict. I am getting better, I put up with a lot less sh!t from people than I used to and am able to speak my mind more often and more easily.
> 
> I need to find a man who is as kind and laid back as I am.


 I have always been passive. Probably has a lot to do with how i grew up. I hate conflict too, makes me sick to my stomac and it feels like inpending doom. I also bottle emotion, the smallest thing can set me off and once that bottle blows, it all comes out. I am getting better at telling people to f/^& off! 

And people who are too nice get taken advatage of, because they are too nice. Its bull****. Time to make a change.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> LB, maybe you need an assertiveness training class. There are a lot of people out there who are nice but also know how and when to say no to not be taken advantage.


 I have no problem now. Its getting better. I am tired of taking **** from people and either ignoring it or letting it bottle up. My step daughter who is a rude litte *****, found that out the hard way the last time she started **** with me a couple of weeks ago. (And no shes not a child she is an adult) I got tired of her **** .


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think there is such a thing as temperament compatibility, just like there is sexual compatibility. And just as a sexual mismatch can lead to a crappy marriage, so can temperament compatibility. We don't need to be exactly the same, but at least on the same wavelength.

SA and her hubby are both of a lovely, smooth and delicious type of temperament. They are not the same but are on the same wavelength and it works. They could both be considered "nice kids" (not the negative connotation).

My H and I are both of a more edgy and spikey temperament. We are not the same but we are on the same wavelength. We could both be considered "bad kids".

Or to say it another way:

nice girl + nice guy = good combination

bad girl + nice guy = bad combination

nice girl + bad boy = bad combination

bad girl + bad boy = good combination

And again, by nice and bad I don't mean the extremes of those words and the self-help books meaning of them. I mean the temperament. Yes, I'm a bad girl, and my friends know that doesn't mean I'm not a good person. Most of them would call me "spirited".

And SA is a "good girl" but this does not mean she's spineless or not a sexual person. 

A good temperament match really helps a couple a LOT, sometimes I forget how much until I hear stories about a mismatch.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just read what you wrote here Faithful Wife... I like that 

Husband would call me high spirited too ...."Intense" is a word he has used to describe me on occasion..... and remember, in conflict.. I can be "Volatile" ...I recall you was the only other woman poster to outright admit this on my Conflict thread ....not so sure this would be considered "*NICE*".... (in those moments anyway) ...

...but as that Conflict style was explained.. such couples resolve rather quickly and can joke about it afterwards, sometimes even during.. 

I have said this a # of times..I pretty much know if I was married to man with my overall temperament.. the relationship might be too high strung...if we didn't agree, we'd probably burn the house down....and If my H was with a woman too much like himself... it'd be a little too uneventful.. I get the rise out of him.

I bring the energy & adventure.... he brings the stability & calm... we both make fun of our differences outright & are not at all offended (it's enjoyable banter).... it makes for a very smooth chemistry somehow....

But too....and equally important.. is how much we (or any couple) has in common...(dreams, beliefs, how we look at life & love, money, raising kids, etc)..so on the same wavelength here.. Yes. For instance.. we both wanted THIS *>>*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think the difference between me and you is probably obvious around here. People may not like what you say sometimes but most likely wouldn't call you a b*tch. People don't like what I say sometimes and many would easily call me a b*tch.

That's what I meant between the difference of "nice" and "bad" between me and you. You are most certainly high spirited, though, that is true.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think the difference between me and you is probably obvious around here. People may not like what you say sometimes but most likely wouldn't call you a b*tch. People don't like what I say sometimes and many would easily call me a b*tch.
> 
> That's what I meant between the difference of "nice" and "bad" between me and you. You are most certainly high spirited, though, that is true.


I appreciate your rawness and honesty... in sharing what you share...it can be a little rough at times.. I must admit I have been thankful I was not on the receiving end.. though I probably just "hold my keyboard" more than some do here... or I would have likely gotten banned and labeled many "not so nice" things...

Love the platform that we can all speak freely ... and for this.. I wouldn't call you any bad names.. You are very insightful here....always...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Don't get me wrong, it isn't a surprise to me when someone calls me a b*tch, nor does it hurt my feelings. People can think what they want about me and yes, I get why they may think that.

You, on the other hand will likely always be called a sweetheart, no matter how spirited you get. And that's because you are one, not because people are mean to me and nice to you.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Faithful you're one of my favorite b!tches on TAM


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