# Can't stop thinking about the affair



## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to not imagine in my mind the sexual affair that my wife has had with another man? I can't stop thinking about it. I have tried to keep myself busy at work but when I have a minute to myself the thought of her and the other man comes back and it feels like I have been punched in the stomach all over again. It doesn't feel healthy to be dwelling on it but I just can't get it out of my mind. I am unable to get any counseling for another month or two and need some help now. Anything that anyone can suggest is much appreciated.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Hi Jack,

I am definitely no expert and am suffering the same problem. I try and throw myself into my work and on the occasions it works I immerse myself for maybe an hour at a time and that really helps to past the time with the added bonus I have actually done some work!! It is difficult but after the first fifteen minutes of trying sometimes I slip into it.

Are you able to listen to music at work, I try to listen to upbeat stuff with words. If there are words try to sing a long in your head for a while as this takes your concentration and thoughts onto something else.

Sorry if I have missed your thread/story but are you still together with your wife and is the affair definitely over?


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

IFB,
We are still together and she claims it was a one night stand. I just don't understand why she did it. She lied to me for 3 years about it and just recently told me. I can't stop imagining her going to a hotel room with this guy and having sex with him. I was on deployment in the Navy at the time but it had only been a few months since we had seen each other. I have asked her questions about it and I don't know if I can believe her or if she is just lying to me so as not to hurt me worse. She says she is sorry and that it will never happen again but I just don't believe her right now. The thought of her and the other man keeps popping into my head. To make matters worse I am on another 2 1/2 month long exercise and I feel like I am right back to where I was then. I do find little things to distract me from thinking of it but then it creeps right back into my head. It makes me feel like my life and marriage have been a waste and I feel like I am here on earth just to have people walk all over me. I don't know what to do.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Over time the images will fade. Time is what it takes. I still have the 'movies' in my head. It might help if you had a close friend to talk about it with. It helped me when I talked about it even if the friend wasn't giving me good advice. Just to say "This happened." allowed some release.

While not everyone needs them, perhaps some meds to help cope?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I can relate Jack2010,
I just can tell you going through this myself that it does get better with time.....right now you are in disbelief that the woman you loved could make a decision like this, and that hurts so badly.......I still do not understand the why question.......
As time goes on you will be better, it's like going through the stages of a death....your wife needs to reassure you every chance she gets, right now you don't trust her and you feel your emotions aren't safe with her........you can re-build that and your relationship......go through the stages of grief and move forward from there.....good luck, talk on this forum it helped me a lot....a lot of very wise people here......tough but caring.......stay awhile.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Thank you for the help. I am trying to work with her over the phone since I am currently out to sea. I am hoping that when I get back and we finally are face to face that we can have a good talk and start to put this behind us. I pray that she has only had the 1 and is telling me the truth. If it turns out she is still lying I don't think that there will be anything left in our marriage to salvage. I just hate the feeling that she did this to me when I was deployed and then told me when I was deployed again so that she couldn't see my reaction. I feel that it was a cowardly thing to do.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to not imagine in my mind the sexual affair that my wife has had with another man?


Same way you replace any habit: realize it is happening an consciously do something else. Replace the old thoughts with new thoughts. Find a replacement daydream or memory and deliberately insert it when you catch yourself creating the painful dream. Over time it becomes easier, until the new habit is second nature.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

I really don't get telling you this while you are deployed. After all this time, she could have waited for a face-to-face conversation. Geez. You need interaction with her that you obviously cannot have. It will get better, I promise. The first few weeks are the worst - IMO.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I really don't get telling you this while you are deployed.


My guess is that she just could not keep it secret any longer - it was most likely very stressful, and maintaining a lie even longer - if her conscience was bothering her at all - would have been worse. I agree, it would be nice to have done it in person - but it is also better than never doing it. If she had not told him until later - all of that time would have been spent living a lie. The truth is always preferable.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Msuic worked for me. Things upbeat non-romantic that i can sing along to. Working out also helps. When the thought comes in your mind do 20 or 30 push ups. As Pete says, replace the thought with another thought. My thought was a mountain top. I think of the beauty of the experience. Feel the cold air on face. The rush of the wind through my hair. I also chant a mantra..Patience, patience, patience.


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## snoopybowl (Jul 7, 2010)

There is no way around it. I walked in on my wife and her friend having sex. I was done, but then she begged for my forgiveness and I forgave her. That occurred about a year after we were married, but I always carried it with me until I shut down and then she shut down. Now we are finishing up our divorce. I am hurting preety bad. I have a good day then a bad day constantly. Once the trust has been broken it sticks with you. Especially after the spouse who cheats thinks it is no big deal after a while and expects you to get over it. Good luck there is a long road ahead either way you turn.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> There is no way around it. I walked in on my wife and her friend having sex. I was done, but then she begged for my forgiveness and I forgave her. That occurred about a year after we were married, but I always carried it with me until I shut down and then she shut down. Now we are finishing up our divorce. I am hurting preety bad. I have a good day then a bad day constantly. Once the trust has been broken it sticks with you. Especially after the spouse who cheats thinks it is no big deal after a while and expects you to get over it. Good luck there is a long road ahead either way you turn.


Your situation is based upon a lack of forgiveness - you held onto a grudge and reveled in anger instead of using the affair as an opportunity to make a more solid marriage. There is a big difference. This is a huge chance for these two to learn from a mistake and grow in a different direction, rather than using it as a means of acting out inherent anger and an inability to get along with others. 

Trust is something that you decide to give to another - there is never a necessity that it remain 'broken' (a fallacy anyway: in your case, you trusted your wife to be your enemy - and it worked out quite well!) Trust can be earned - and granted, but only if forgiveness is given.


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Hi,i understand how you feel.Well if you truly forgive her and let this thing go,which you wont still keep letting this bother you.You should think like this way ,no matter what your wife loves you the most that's why she is be with you ,and just have a great sex with her,i think that affair should bond you and her more close and appreciate to each other more.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

It makes we wonder if it were I that had the affair would she be so forgiving? Part of me thinks that why does she get to be with another person and I don't. I know it would make the situation worse but part of me wants to get back at her and see how she likes it when someone does this to her.


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## missv (Apr 1, 2010)

It helps to "move a muscle, change a thought" when the movies start running in your head. My H very recently had an EA, even though he swears nothing ever came of it. He's back in the bedroom, we're back to having sex, his cell phone calls have been cut in half like they were before her, his text usage has been cut by over 3/4, he's on the phone with me alot during the day and wants to spend his free time with me, he shows me affection--so I really do believe it is over. We haven't talked yet about the A itself, but I will bring it up at some point. We have talked about what led up to it though--disappointments, changed behaviors, etc. I, too, still think about what I imagine he did, and what I know for fact he did. There's a lot of anger and resentment on my part. But all that negative stuff just fuels problems. I figure that since it's still all so relatively new, and occupied all of my thoughts 24 hours a day, it's going to take a lot longer to change my way of thinking and what I think about. It does help not only to stay busy, but to purposely change the bad thought, and move that muscle--however that needs to be accomplished. The living in the "what if" will only add more anger & sadness for you. Because unless you are willing to actually go out and have that affair, it's a waste of your time and energy to keep thinking about it. And I think alot more of myself--what I want and need. In other words, be more kind to myself. It seemed like selfish behavior at first, but it is really true that in order for you to be happy with someone else, you have to be happy with yourself first.
It really stinks when this happens, and if you'd ask me awhile ago if there were any chance something good would have come out of it-I'd say you were crazy. There's usually light at the end of the tunnel, but no one said how long the tunnel would be or where it would come out. Good luck!


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

jack2010 said:


> It makes we wonder if it were I that had the affair would she be so forgiving? Part of me thinks that why does she get to be with another person and I don't. I know it would make the situation worse but part of me wants to get back at her and see how she likes it when someone does this to her.


This is a very real and usual feeling for the "betrayed" to have and it is easy to feel justified in it. But in reality, it is simple, vindictive, revenge and, as Yoda says, once you start down the dark path...

Instead, you need to focus on being the person you expected your W to be. This is also a perfect time to delve into something you may have always wanted to try. You will have A LOT of nervous energy and with little to no outlet, it will turn you inside out. Put that energy into bettering yourself and into trying something new. 

I know your situation limits you some on what you can do. But, also look at the fact that being deployed CAN open up new things you may have not ever considered. Be aware of what's around you now that you can put that energy into. 

Learn a language, try music, paint, draw, whittle, write a story, learn the local history. Really, only your imagination limits you, in both the positive and negative way.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm nearing the 2YR mark and I still have those days, or moments. Sometimes my H - who's a very handsome guy - looks absolutely repulsive to me. Just flat out ugly. Because what I'm seeing in that moment is the guy "who did that to me." 

I've learned to not stress myself out of feeling that. The fact is, he IS that guy. And he DID do that to me. Its just a fact. I let it hit me when it needs to. I let my feelings be what they need to be. I sometimes just say to him that "I need to not be here right now" and I give myself some space. I just get it out of my system. And know what? It then leaves. It'll come back, but it will also leave. 

WE choose to be in the relationships we're in. WE could leave these relationships in a heartbeat. Perhaps someday WE will. Perhaps someday something will shift and perfection will be gifted upon us and all of this will just go away. But...

In the meantime... It will come. It will hurt. Then it will go away.
One time someone told me to take that image/memory and TELL myself that it was from "before we were married" Perhaps even before we were dating. Manage it. Its not going anywhere and its a fact. Just manage it. Or ultimately if you decide you are not meant to manage it, go. 

Good luck. I'm sorry you have to experience this.


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## BigCasino (Jul 14, 2010)

Your not alone my friend. i just ofund out about a " one night stand " my wife had 6 yrs ago. I also cant get the pictures out of my head, i reply ever vivid detail i can think of. I wont lie man, the pain hurts, and i dont sleep at night much due to it.

Only advice i can offer it to find something to keep you busy, i found loud music helps. the wife knows that when she hears the music to leave me alone. she knows i need time. I suggest you find something you can wrap your mind in and tell the wife that while you figure things out that when this is going on to leave you be.

I wish i had better advice for you my friend, but know you rnot alone, i am going through this exact thing right now with you and if ya want to chat more about it let me know. maybe between the two of us < ex-air force and a navy member > can come up with something.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Right now I am trying to focus on work and doing the best job that I can. When I have any free time I spend it in the gym or reading. I have found that this helps a great deal in keeping my mind from dwelling on what happened. I have about 3 more weeks before I can come face to face with my wife and only time will tell how it works its way out from there. For now I just have to take it one day at a time and just keep telling myself that it was in the past and I can't do anything to change it. All I can control is the present and future. Thank you everyone for the positive reinforcements.


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