# husband lacks common sense?



## rks1

Hi all. I've been having issues with my husband (who I married only a few months ago). I am concerned that he lacks common sense. I'm trying not to be condescending towards him by saying much about it, but it really bugs me and I'm having a hard time keeping my frustration contained.

For example, we are buying gifts for his family (and him), and he really wanted this red cell phone, as he is enamored with the color red. Everything has to be red. I am the one who is searching online for all the key features and specifications of the phone, reading through customer reviews to look for potential problems, etc. He wants to pay way more for a substandard phone with higher cost, less features, which is more unreliable... simply for the fact the phone is red and has a nice display. I found a much better phone for him, but he didn't want that one as it was black. I feel like shouting at him: "Are you NUTS?? Where's your judgment?" Obviously I don't shout at him, but I'm sure he can sense my irritation. I can't believe he values form over function. He thinks I am controlling; I think he is immature.

When we were dating, he had previously told me that he wanted a partner who was very kind and caring, and he didn't care about her looks as much (as long as she was reasonably attractive). Seeing the irony of this, I brought it up with him yesterday, asking him why he values a woman's character over her looks, but values a phone's appearance over it's utility. He didn't make the connection of what I was saying, and thus had nothing to say in response.

I am the more intellectual type and my husband is not. He is well educated, as am I. I'm a med student, and he has completed master's level degrees... and he was even one of the best students in his class. He can memorize info and has a great ability to retain it (much better than I can), but he's not a free thinker at all. If you want to try to engage him in an intellectual conversation, he never really has much to say. We do chit-chat quite a bit and can talk for a few hours at a time, but the intellectual nature of the conversation is pretty low. He also cannot manage himself well, as he needs constant reminders to get anything done (I am the one with ADD, yet I have to manage things for him). I have to remind him to take a shower, shave his face, run errands, etc. I feel like he is a small boy needing his mommy rather than a grown up.

Yes, I knew that he didn't seem very sharp before I married him. I chose to marry him because he seemed very nurturing and gentle... which I didn't get from past dating relationships (from guys who were all reasonably smart enough, but were more tempermental, judgmental, and critical of me). My husband's sweetness won me over, and although I went back and forth racking my head over whether to marry him or not (because of this), I decided to go forwards. A nurturing partner is still #1 on my list, but intelligence is a very close #2. I didn't realize how deeply frustrating it is to be married to someone who seems to lack common reasoning and self-awareness. I also am dismayed by his lack of ambition, and am afraid that I will be the one having to be the breadwinner (after he moves in with me, as we are currently long distance). Since I've known him, he's left 2 solid jobs (that he got because of being top of his class)... the first job he left due to wanting to spend time with me, and the second job he left to caretake for his mother (who is very ill). Initially I thought it was a good thing that he cares for people more than career which showed his nurturing nature, but now I am questioning whether it is not a really a sign of inability to hold down a job.

I am stuck, because I am happier being with him than being alone. Yet I'm so severely dissatisfied with his lack of intellectualism and lack of introspection. He can be emotionally manipulative (begging and guilt-tripping me to do what he wants me to do), which drives me crazy. But he doesn't beat me, doesn't shout or name call me, doesn't cheat on me... so I don't know if I have good enough reason to leave. I just don't know what to do. I'm 30 and he's 27 - so I don't know if this is something he'll grow out of or not.


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## hurtnohio

Three years' isn't that much of an age difference at this point. Sounds like you've already lost respect for his mental abilities (if you ever had much respect for him at all). Do not sweep this under the rug and hope it gets better. Some people go through their whole lives without common sense. I'm like you; I tend to research things based on stats, cost, reliability, etc. But lots of people just sail through life buying things because of more cosmetic issues. And they may never change.

I recommend talking to a marriage counselor about this. If you're already annoyed by his way of (not) thinking now, how bad will it be when you're done with med school and the two of you are trying to figure out what part of the country to move to so you can start your practice? Will he want to move to Cincinnati just because their team is the REDS?

This will not improve unless you address it and try to move beyond it. Talk to someone who can help you work through your feelings now!


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## rks1

Thanks for your input, HurtnOhio! I do value it. I do need to talk more to someone about this. I don't want to leave this marriage, but I don't know how long I can live like this either.

Actually, he has already told me that he wants to live in New York City, because he thinks it's a cool, high status place to be, with big tall buildings which he has seen in the movies (as he comes from India). He'd be more excited to tell his friends back home in India that he's living in NYC to impress them. I'm like "Ummm... have you thought of the cost of living there? We'll have to live like paupers there, while we could have a good quality of life here (where I currently live)."


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## Mavash.

rks1 said:


> he is enamored with the color red. Everything has to be red.
> 
> I have to remind him to take a shower, shave his face, run errands, etc. I feel like he is a small boy needing his mommy rather than a grown up.
> 
> Yes, I knew that he didn't seem very sharp before I married him.
> 
> He can be emotionally manipulative (begging and guilt-tripping me to do what he wants me to do), which drives me crazy.
> 
> he's 27 - so I don't know if this is something he'll grow out of or not.


Something is not right with this guy. High functioning autistic maybe? Aspergers? Something is off.

I quoted key things that stood out to me. Being enamored with a color makes me think autistic as well as everything else on your list. He may be highly intelligent but lacks life skills. It's fixable if he wants to seek counseling for it or to start have him evaluated.

But no he will not grow out of it. Sorry.


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## mrsamazing

Judging solely on how you come off in writing, I feel sorry for your husband. I see nothing but contempt on your part. He has master's level degrees? You don't buy those at walmsart lady. There may also be a cultural divides between the two of you. 

Try backing off. You do describe yourself as controlling, which can only cause him to rebel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately

Can I be brutally honest? You _do_ sound controlling. You also sound anal retentive and smug.

Why can't he buy a phone because he likes the colour? Some people value form over function - like Picasso - that doesn't mean they are inferior.

Your making lists of characteristics that you 'value' also sounds cold and calculating. I think you should marry for love, not because someone possesses a list of characteristics that fit with your ideal. 

If I was your husband's friend I would tell him to run a mile.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Life's way to short to get angry over small issues. You married him knowing his quirks and his full potential/abilities. I honestly see noting with buying a "red" phone if it is what he likes. Perhaps he's not interested with the additional options. 

You are going to live miserably if you continue on like this. Maybe you could lighten up a little on him and focus on yourself. You are already holding a lot of resentment early on in your marriage. Both my husband and I have no expectations of each other. We have had a wonderful marriage so far these last 12 years.

I think maybe you made the wrong choice in whom to marry. Either you need to change your view on him or divorce him. Also unexpected life changing events happen in life. I broke my neck 3.5 years ago and I'm now disabled and homebound due to the pain. My husband has been nothing, but loving and supportave towards me. It's okay to get divorced if your not happy or compatible. Both my husband and I made a mistake and married the wrong person before we met each other. Now we've lived the best 12 years of our lives. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP

rks1 said:


> When we were dating, he had previously told me that he wanted a partner who was very kind and caring, and he didn't care about her looks as much (as long as she was reasonably attractive). Seeing the irony of this, I brought it up with him yesterday, asking him why he values a woman's character over her looks, but values a phone's appearance over it's utility. He didn't make the connection of what I was saying, and thus had nothing to say in response.


He's not being inconsistent at all. He makes decisions based more on emotion than logic, so he wants a phone that makes him feel good and a wife that makes him feel good. Ironically, he may end up with neither. 

Since his decisions are more emotionally-based he has difficulty quantifying his reasons; he just wants what he wants. Yes, this makes him susceptible to being swayed by advertizing and peer pressure. Yes, this means his decisions are subject to changeability or stubborn insistence, depending on how he feels. But you can't force him to change, because it will change his basic personality--the core of who he is. 

Men should be like some electronic products and come with a big sticker over their personalities that says, WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE CONTENTS WILL VOID WARRANTY. If you insist on trying to fix and correct him it will just frustrate you both. It doesn't matter that you are more cerebrally-inclined than your husband. He has his own strengths, which are different to yours. If you want your marriage to work, encourage him for who he is and the decisions he makes. Stop trying to align him to your own values.

What you _can_ do is to learn how to more effectively communicate with him in a way that he will respond to. You obviously respond well to logic and research; he responds best to emotions. You need to speak to his feelings, rather than appeal to his intellect, when you discuss subjects where you disagree. Although THIS BOOK is just light reading, I very strongly recommend it as a source of great help in understanding how to happily live with your husband.


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## SunnyT

I agree with the above posters... most of them. I don't see that he needs help. He may be more caring and emotionally geared than you can live with. You chose the best part of him to marry, not thinking that it's not really how you want to live. 

So ya, maybe you married the wrong guy. He shouldn't have to change, but you two SHOULD be able to discuss this. And I think its not about "cerebral"... but more about practical vs emotional. Neither is bad, and I think both often have a hard time understanding each other! 

On the other hand...look at it this way. What if he isn't into earning a big living? What if he wants to join the Peace Corp or something.... giving himself and "earning to live" rather than "living to earn"??? Question is.... would it be a deal breaker for you???


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## TRy

johnnycomelately said:


> Can I be brutally honest? You _do_ sound controlling. You also sound anal retentive and smug.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There is nothing at all wrong with your husband. Nothing that you described paint him as being in the wrong and you being in the right. Actually reading just your side of things, you do not come off very well. There are many other woman out there that would be happy to be married to your husband. Apparently, you are not one of those women.


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## rks1

Wow, you guys have given me some excellent insight. I really do like the counter perspective, as I hadn't thought of many of your points before. I will respond to a few comments in particular.

Mavash - I hadn't really considered Autism/Aspergers. But it's very possible. Previously I wondered if he had some long-term effects from a motorcyle accident 3 years ago (before I met him). However, later I met his brother who is even more inclined to rash judgment than my husband, so I realized it had nothing to do with the accident, but is just about how his family is. I haven't read enough about Aspergers, but will find out more to see if this might be what is going on with him.

MSP - Your post resonated with me strongly. You are absolutely correct that he is more emotionally based. It's very different for me, as in past dating relationships I used to be the more emotional one with the guy being the more logical one. With my husband, the positions are switched and I'm not used to that. (I can be emotional as well, but he is more than I am.) It's new and unusual for me, and thus I probably haven't given his emotional side the respect it deserves. Not because I am mean-spirited or evil or anything, but simply because in the past, I used to put aside my own emotions to appeal to the logical side of the guys I dated. So I probably came to view that as being superior. But what your post makes me consider is that the emotional way of being is just as valid. Thank you.

SunnyT - I'm okay if he doesn't make a ton of money, as long as he makes a reasonable living. I used to imagine myself working part-time someday, and having a husband who is fairly ambitious. But with my husband, I think he would be far better as a stay-at-home dad. My husband used to study law and accounting in India, which really surprised me as I thought one needed to be analytical to be a law student, but he isn't. However, we both might be able to have a life that suits us - maybe I could still work part-time someday, and maybe he could be that stay-at-home dad (if he can manage to find some sort of accounting or business job that allows him to work from home). There might be a way. As far as your comment about 'earning to live', I actually encourage him to find a job that he would love to do. When I ask him what he wants to do with his life, he doesn't really know (as where he is from, people don't really have that many options to sit and think what they want out of their lives). He says he might like to be a judge. When I ask him why, he says because where he comes from, judges are highly respected. I tell him to find out what he is passionate about and do that instead, rather than worrying about status or what everyone else thinks of him.


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## Wheels65

Maybe I missed it but he is from India and you are from where?

Could this be a factor?


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## Mavash.

People this guy has to be reminded to take a shower, shave and do common tasks.

He wants to move to NY cause it has 'pretty buildings' and is obsessed with the color red.

He is emotionally stunted for some reason which is why I suggested he might be an aspie.

Are ya'll reading the same post as me? 

I do admit him being from India could be a factor. That does change things.


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## rks1

Mavash. said:


> I do admit him being from India could be a factor. That does change things.


We are of the same ethnicity (though I'm an American). I have previously dated guys from India and never had this sort of issue with them. Though I admit the previous Indian guys I dated grew up in larger more cosmopolitan cities and had more international exposure, as they were living in the US when I got to know them. My husband grew up in India in a small, rather orthodox city, and never has been out of his country (I am the one who spent time with him there). He has also never left his family, as that is common culture there. It's possible it may be a bit cultural, as I have some cousins in India (who have never left the country) and they can be a bit like my husband at times. Conversely my Indian friends living here in the US tend to be extremely bright and analytical types. So I don't know if he might change a bit once he's exposed to a cultural melting pot as we have here. I am not saying he has to change, but I wonder if he will naturally after he comes here.


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## Mavash.

rks1 said:


> I wonder if he will naturally after he comes here.


Rarely does anything change 'naturally'. Doesn't work that way. He's a grown man and what you see is what you get unless HE makes an effort to change.


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## rks1

TRy said:


> There is nothing at all wrong with your husband. Nothing that you described paint him as being in the wrong and you being in the right. Actually reading just your side of things, you do not come off very well. There are many other woman out there that would be happy to be married to your husband. Apparently, you are not one of those women.


You are right, and this is something I struggle with. My husband is most certainly a better 'catch' than I am. When I met him 1.5 year ago, my dating life was very limited, as I was 80 pounds overweight and my self-esteem was shot. He is slim and rather handsome. The first time we went out together I didn't think he would like me, yet surprisingly, he was so visibly nervous, as he wanted to make a favorable impression on me. (He only had one girlfriend in his life, as he spend his college years focuses on school rather than relationships.) He had many girls interested and flirting with him when we met, but would gently not encourage their behavior out of respect for me. He still tells me that I have the prettiest face of any girl in his city. When I got into a relationship with him, maybe people here assumed that he wanted to be with me for a visa to the US. I know him closely enough to know that is not the case... he actually preferred to live in India, but I didn't want to move there. But I think at first he expressed interest in me, as he thought I seemed nice, and that it would be quite cool to know a girl living in the US who was studying to be a doctor. He wasn't thinking of all the practical issues of moving away from his family and life there.

My husband is decent, romantic, brings me roses, thoughtful gifts, and has always paid for all my expenses since I've met him. I get insecure sometimes (especially regarding my weight as I've yo-yoed my whole life), but he tells me he doesn't like when I talk like that and put myself down. He tells me that after he moves in with me then he will cook healthy food for us so that I continue become healthier. He loves to show me off and make me meet all his friends and co-workers and students. Even his co-workers have told me that I am very lucky as my husband is crazy about me, and always keeps talking their ears off about me. He proposed to me about 30 times before we got married. 

I am meeting him next week in India, and he is beyond excited, as he wants me to come with him to a friend's wedding, and take me around his city on his motorcycle.

So yes.. I am lucky to have a really nice spouse. I know this. Many girls would be happy to take him off my hands. But I still have a hangup about not having intellectually stimulating conversation or about my husband's sense of judgment. I wondered if marrying me was also one of those rash judgments as well. Sometimes I also think that someday if I were ever in a critical situation and not able to make health decisions for myself, I'd probably trust my sister to manage my care more than I would my husband, as she thinks more rationally while my husband gets overwhelmed with emotion and self destructs. These kinds of thoughts have troubled me. 

But I really like the idea that MSP presented, which made me think that his emotions are not a matter of inferiority, but rather us experiencing life in a different way. I really liked this idea, as it made me think.


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## Coffee Amore

Your husband sounds like a great guy. He's kind, well educated, emotionally stable, romantic, good looking and family oriented. Read a few threads on Coping With Infidelity or even this General Relationship Discussion forum to see how other women have it. Consider yourself very lucky. Don't try to reinvent him. It's not going to work. Give him some time. You're both so early in your marriage. If you actually live with him instead of living apart and if you get to know him over time, you'll be surprised at what hidden depths he may have. 

You're expecting your husband to be all things to you. One person can't fulfill every desire you have. Society makes it seem like the person you marry has to supply all the happiness in our lives. It's just not the case. So you like intellectual conversations...ok...but you can have those conversations with female friends, colleagues, teachers at your medical school, family members, etc. Join a book club or a political club if you want intellectual discussions. Having an intellectual conversation with another other than your spouse isn't a violation of your marital vows.
It's also possible with time and exposure to the way you like things (i.e. intellectual conversation) he may develop some skill in that area. But this is icing on the cake. If that happens, great. If it doesn't, you still have a good guy there. I've known couples where both of them have Ph.Ds. They have awful arguments because both of them are such arrogant, know-it-alls.


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## moxy

So much contempt for your husband. Where's your compassion? The honeymoon period does end and we start to see people for who they really are afterwards. He doesn't have to be exactly like you. And, I suspect you allowed him to believe you accepted his differences in value, attitude, and approach in the past. 

Have you tried talking to him about your differences? Have you tried explaining which ones are problematic for you? Why is it such a big deal to you that he is more free-spirited and prefers form over function? Is it triggering insecurity in you? The job thing is a problem, but maybe he doesn't see that it upsets you or he is trying to avoid setting down roots or ambition until you two are living together and no longer in an LDR. Has the thrill worn off or are you discovering that the differences that drew you together are no longer worthwhile or compatible?

He probably doesn't have a clue that you feel the way you do. I suspect that you're not actually being forthright about your reservations and expecting him to read your mind; that doesn't make him stupid. 

It doesn't sound like you love him or want to be with him, but like you're tolerating him for the sake of nostalgia between the two of you. You're going to end up hurting this guy and making yourself unhappy, too, if you don't figure out why you've started feeling such contempt for your differences. 

Please get yourselves into marriage counseling! And, start talking to him about the things that are bothering you (without expecting him to magically morph into you). Until you sort things out, do not have children.


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## eowyn

rks1 said:


> We are of the same ethnicity (though I'm an American). I have previously dated guys from India and never had this sort of issue with them. Though I admit the previous Indian guys I dated grew up in larger more cosmopolitan cities and had more international exposure, as they were living in the US when I got to know them. My husband grew up in India in a small, rather orthodox city, and never has been out of his country (I am the one who spent time with him there). He has also never left his family, as that is common culture there. It's possible it may be a bit cultural, as I have some cousins in India (who have never left the country) and they can be a bit like my husband at times. Conversely my Indian friends living here in the US tend to be extremely bright and analytical types. So I don't know if he might change a bit once he's exposed to a cultural melting pot as we have here. I am not saying he has to change, but I wonder if he will naturally after he comes here.


Seems to me you guys are two ends of the spectrum.. Had you posted a message before getting married most on the forum would probably have advised you not to get married. Ultimately it is not how the guy is but rather how you perceive him to be that would determine where this goes. And from your post looks like you don't seem to have any respect for him. This could be either because you are being judgmental or because you eventually realized he is not bright at all. Either ways, if you look down upon him it is not a healthy situation for the marriage. Like most others mention, it is difficult to expect that the guy might change after marriage. Do you think you have enough reason to change your perception about him? On a numberline where is this perception now, compared to where it was when you decided to marry him - has it steeply deteriorated? 

Also since your husband is in India it would be helpful if you can shed some more light on this.. Did you date him at all or was it arranged by your families? How long did you know him before you decided to marry? 

Did you evaluate his qualifications and what they mean with respect to the general statistics? That is, as far as I understand 'Masters' or 'class topper' in India or any country for that matter is a vague term and one cannot determine the intellectual capacity of a person who has done his Masters or is a class topper... It can and will differ from college to college, university to university, city to city, major to major and so on... especially if you have not been born and brought up in the same system or country you wouldn't know by default what his qualifications actually mean. Lastly, does your husband have any immigration advantage or marrying you? These details would help in understanding your situation...


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## Mike11

rks1 said:


> Hi all. I've been having issues with my husband (who I married only a few months ago). I am concerned that he lacks common sense. I'm trying not to be condescending towards him by saying much about it, but it really bugs me and I'm having a hard time keeping my frustration contained.
> 
> For example, we are buying gifts for his family (and him), and he really wanted this red cell phone, as he is enamored with the color red. Everything has to be red. I am the one who is searching online for all the key features and specifications of the phone, reading through customer reviews to look for potential problems, etc. He wants to pay way more for a substandard phone with higher cost, less features, which is more unreliable... simply for the fact the phone is red and has a nice display. I found a much better phone for him, but he didn't want that one as it was black. I feel like shouting at him: "Are you NUTS?? Where's your judgment?" Obviously I don't shout at him, but I'm sure he can sense my irritation. I can't believe he values form over function. He thinks I am controlling; I think he is immature.
> 
> When we were dating, he had previously told me that he wanted a partner who was very kind and caring, and he didn't care about her looks as much (as long as she was reasonably attractive). Seeing the irony of this, I brought it up with him yesterday, asking him why he values a woman's character over her looks, but values a phone's appearance over it's utility. He didn't make the connection of what I was saying, and thus had nothing to say in response.
> 
> I am the more intellectual type and my husband is not. He is well educated, as am I. I'm a med student, and he has completed master's level degrees... and he was even one of the best students in his class. He can memorize info and has a great ability to retain it (much better than I can), but he's not a free thinker at all. If you want to try to engage him in an intellectual conversation, he never really has much to say. We do chit-chat quite a bit and can talk for a few hours at a time, but the intellectual nature of the conversation is pretty low. He also cannot manage himself well, as he needs constant reminders to get anything done (I am the one with ADD, yet I have to manage things for him). I have to remind him to take a shower, shave his face, run errands, etc. I feel like he is a small boy needing his mommy rather than a grown up.
> 
> Yes, I knew that he didn't seem very sharp before I married him. I chose to marry him because he seemed very nurturing and gentle... which I didn't get from past dating relationships (from guys who were all reasonably smart enough, but were more tempermental, judgmental, and critical of me). My husband's sweetness won me over, and although I went back and forth racking my head over whether to marry him or not (because of this), I decided to go forwards. A nurturing partner is still #1 on my list, but intelligence is a very close #2. I didn't realize how deeply frustrating it is to be married to someone who seems to lack common reasoning and self-awareness. I also am dismayed by his lack of ambition, and am afraid that I will be the one having to be the breadwinner (after he moves in with me, as we are currently long distance). Since I've known him, he's left 2 solid jobs (that he got because of being top of his class)... the first job he left due to wanting to spend time with me, and the second job he left to caretake for his mother (who is very ill). Initially I thought it was a good thing that he cares for people more than career which showed his nurturing nature, but now I am questioning whether it is not a really a sign of inability to hold down a job.
> 
> I am stuck, because I am happier being with him than being alone. Yet I'm so severely dissatisfied with his lack of intellectualism and lack of introspection. He can be emotionally manipulative (begging and guilt-tripping me to do what he wants me to do), which drives me crazy. But he doesn't beat me, doesn't shout or name call me, doesn't cheat on me... so I don't know if I have good enough reason to leave. I just don't know what to do. I'm 30 and he's 27 - so I don't know if this is something he'll grow out of or not.




This sounds to me like Asperger syndrome did he ever went trough screening or tests ?


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## Screenp2

My entire family is in the medical field and this type of person makes up the majority of the doctors and other highly intelligent people on staff. 

They can perform an 8 hour surgery and fix a brain but can't hold a basic conversation nor have some of the basic common sense that one would need to survive in the world w/out help of some sort from others. OCD is also prevalent and can describe his obsession with the color red. 

It's something in the brain that is no fault of yours. Have him checked out by a specialist.


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## Nigel

I know a number of Indian people in the uk. They all seem like reasonably nice people but in my experience they are all obsessed by status, jobs and wealth. It seems to me to be a cultural thing. They have to prove to their families that they are the brightest and most successful. They can be quite judgmental about others as well. To be honest you remind me of them. Your h sounds like he doesn't buy into your vision of what is the ideal life. Good for him I say!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity

I thought a lack of common sense was things like, putting your hand on the burner of the stove top you just turned on, or being stupid enough to look into the barrel of a loaded gun with your finger on the trigger. 
Not that a lack of common sense was wanting a red phone over another option. That is just preference not a lack of common sense. 

I agree with most of the other posters. You are being harsh in your perspective of your husband's preferences.
I also want to say that perhaps these differences between you two are not the bad things but more like strengths you both bring to your marriage. That has to be a better way to look at things rather then getting bitter about them.
I also think you should talk him into getting checked out just to rule out the possiblity of him having a medical condition as well.


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## eowyn

eowyn said:


> Seems to me you guys are two ends of the spectrum.. Had you posted a message before getting married most on the forum would probably have advised you not to get married. Ultimately it is not how the guy is but rather how you perceive him to be that would determine where this goes. And from your post looks like you don't seem to have any respect for him. This could be either because you are being judgmental or because you eventually realized he is not bright at all. Either ways, if you look down upon him it is not a healthy situation for the marriage. Like most others mention, it is difficult to expect that the guy might change after marriage. Do you think you have enough reason to change your perception about him? On a numberline where is this perception now, compared to where it was when you decided to marry him - has it steeply deteriorated?
> 
> Also since your husband is in India it would be helpful if you can shed some more light on this.. Did you date him at all or was it arranged by your families? How long did you know him before you decided to marry?
> 
> Did you evaluate his qualifications and what they mean with respect to the general statistics? That is, as far as I understand 'Masters' or 'class topper' in India or any country for that matter is a vague term and one cannot determine the intellectual capacity of a person who has done his Masters or is a class topper... It can and will differ from college to college, university to university, city to city, major to major and so on... especially if you have not been born and brought up in the same system or country you wouldn't know by default what his qualifications actually mean. Lastly, does your husband have any immigration advantage or marrying you? These details would help in understanding your situation...



I read all your posts since I felt there was something missing in this post.. basically the 'background'... Looks like all your opinions come out of a LOT of built up RESENTMENT. With respect to your other posts... Did you make the trip to India? If yes, how was it? Hopefully you did not catch the TB! How is your mother-in-law now? Regarding your husband's visa .. did he file for it yet? When does he plan to join you here.. any tentative plans? What does he plan to do when he is here? Did you guys meet through common fly/friends or some marriage website? If he can come here soon it would remove one obstacle in your marriage atleast. 

From what I understand so far after reading all your posts, you guys are certainly not "naturally compatible" due to the vast difference in your backgrounds and personalities. It would take a lot of conscious effort to make this work and drain out all the resentment. I can see this is not easy, so see if you can challenge yourself to do it. I am not sure how that can be done.. maybe the more experienced people on forum would provide guidance (I am fairly new here) .. Did you try reading one of the marriage related books?


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## rks1

eowyn said:


> I read all your posts since I felt there was something missing in this post.. basically the 'background'... Looks like all your opinions come out of a LOT of built up RESENTMENT. With respect to your other posts... Did you make the trip to India? If yes, how was it? Hopefully you did not catch the TB! How is your mother-in-law now? Regarding your husband's visa .. did he file for it yet? When does he plan to join you here.. any tentative plans? What does he plan to do when he is here? Did you guys meet through common fly/friends or some marriage website? If he can come here soon it would remove one obstacle in your marriage atleast.
> 
> From what I understand so far after reading all your posts, you guys are certainly not "naturally compatible" due to the vast difference in your backgrounds and personalities. It would take a lot of conscious effort to make this work and drain out all the resentment. I can see this is not easy, so see if you can challenge yourself to do it. I am not sure how that can be done.. maybe the more experienced people on forum would provide guidance (I am fairly new here) .. Did you try reading one of the marriage related books?


Hi! Sorry for my delayed reply.... I've been on this site a lot less lately as I have a lot of course exams in the next 2 months that I'm focusing on. 

My trip to India back in late February was really good. My husband and I needed that as our relationship was very strained at that time. We had a lot of fun together and it gave us a break from all the tension between us. I also did get to appreciate his intelligence a bit more, as I got the chance to sit in when he was teaching his students, and I really liked his enthusiastic upbeat style of teaching them new information.

Over the last few weeks our relationship has gotten strained again. You are absolutely right that I hold a lot of resentment. It didn't used to be this way before our marriage, as my husband used to want to know about problems between us. He used to be really open to me, so problems were usually solved before they had a chance to grow and resentment to fester. But after January when my husband's mom got sick (though she's a lot better now), he hasn't been the same. His patience got eroded and he started getting really defensive about everything. I couldn't talk about my problems with him anymore, as he started taking everything the wrong way telling me I'm always complaining etc. Thus the resentment started to accumulate rapidly as I wasn't able to share my feelings anymore. Things between us are still very strained right now (serious thoughts of divorce are there), though on a daily basis we are still nice to each other and try to make each other smile.

As far as the topic of intellectual incompatibility, I'm still not sure about how things are between my husband and I. I think he does have some issues. I have ADD myself, and recently I was wondering if he also has some variant of ADD with executive functioning difficulties or the like (it doesn't manifest as my ADD, but somewhat differently). 

To all of those who think I'm obnoxious in some way for posting what I did, just realize that it is built up frustration that often comes out as arrogance, when it's not really meant to. I find it amusing that I post in another forum, and people there all tell me that I should leave my husband as he can be manipulative with me (when he wants something). I genuinely do appreciate everyone taking the time to share their advice with me and provide feedback, but I realize that it's often hard to give a complete picture.... as people only have a one-angled view of what's happening.


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## eowyn

rks1 said:


> Hi! Sorry for my delayed reply.... I've been on this site a lot less lately as I have a lot of course exams in the next 2 months that I'm focusing on.
> 
> My trip to India back in late February was really good. My husband and I needed that as our relationship was very strained at that time. We had a lot of fun together and it gave us a break from all the tension between us. I also did get to appreciate his intelligence a bit more, as I got the chance to sit in when he was teaching his students, and I really liked his enthusiastic upbeat style of teaching them new information.
> 
> Over the last few weeks our relationship has gotten strained again. You are absolutely right that I hold a lot of resentment. It didn't used to be this way before our marriage, as my husband used to want to know about problems between us. He used to be really open to me, so problems were usually solved before they had a chance to grow and resentment to fester. But after January when my husband's mom got sick (though she's a lot better now), he hasn't been the same. His patience got eroded and he started getting really defensive about everything. I couldn't talk about my problems with him anymore, as he started taking everything the wrong way telling me I'm always complaining etc. Thus the resentment started to accumulate rapidly as I wasn't able to share my feelings anymore. Things between us are still very strained right now (serious thoughts of divorce are there), though on a daily basis we are still nice to each other and try to make each other smile.
> 
> As far as the topic of intellectual incompatibility, I'm still not sure about how things are between my husband and I. I think he does have some issues. I have ADD myself, and recently I was wondering if he also has some variant of ADD with executive functioning difficulties or the like (it doesn't manifest as my ADD, but somewhat differently).
> 
> To all of those who think I'm obnoxious in some way for posting what I did, just realize that it is built up frustration that often comes out as arrogance, when it's not really meant to. I find it amusing that I post in another forum, and people there all tell me that I should leave my husband as he can be manipulative with me (when he wants something). I genuinely do appreciate everyone taking the time to share their advice with me and provide feedback, but I realize that it's often hard to give a complete picture.... as people only have a one-angled view of what's happening.


That is true... Life is complicated most of the times, and especially relationships.. Unless things are really on the absolute worst (e.g. abuse, infidelity) it is not a good idea for people advising on forums to say that you should leave your husband. On this forum most people give helpful and constructive advice, though not all obviously. So you need to use your discretion. In my opinion I certainly don't feel the need to jump to that extreme yet. However things definitely seem to have gone downhill for you and your husband and you need to find your way up.

Lot of your issues can be fixed if you can tone down your expectations, and increase your acceptance for your husband.

1. ACCEPT your husband for who he is. You knew that you had compromised on the intellectual capacity of your husband for some other positive qualities. So do not dwell on that. How smart and bright he really is .. is immaterial. What is crucial is how you perceive him. Try to see the good qualities of your husband and focus on that. Consciously stop yourself when you find yourself looking down upon your husband in your mind. Read yourself some mind-control notes before going to bed, for some positive reinforcement.

2. EXPECT - Lot of our issues and resentment are born out of our own expectations that the other party cannot keep up to. Some people are more emotional than others. Your husband is more emotional than lot of other people you know. In fact you married him for that. So when his mother is sick, expect him not to be his natural self, be supportive if you can. Not expecting much from him in such situations will really help.. especially since you are long distant. Give him his space to deal with the situation and he will come back to you a better & stronger person. Remember this is different from a scenario where a husband ignores his wife due to an EA/PA that he might be having. Caring for mother is a good thing. You can be sure he will be caring towards you as well.

3. LONG TERM SOLUTION - You guys need to have a plan in place where you start living together and begin a new life on a more positive note.


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## endlessgrief

You did yourself and your husband a great disservice by marrying him. It sounds like you would be happier with a more alpha male. You knew this going in. You may have made a mistake. If this is who he is, he is not going to become Einstein anytime soon. Perhaps you should end this earlier than later.


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