# What do I do?



## SNAFUBAR (Feb 10, 2011)

I’ll try to keep this short as this is a 13 years saga in the making and to cover it all would be like reading War and Peace. Our problems are the same as everyone else’s just with a twist. The twist doesn’t matter, the long and short of is I want to leave my wife but there are 2 things stopping me:
1.	Two children
2.	Money
Whether through divorce or just a separation doesn’t really matter to me as I’m never getting remarried, twice is enough and I don’t see the third time being a charm. I’m afraid of what it will do to our children, they are both very sensitive and one has anxiety problems. I already know that if children were not in the picture I would have left her, that’s basically my litmus test.
I don’t make enough money to support the family as it is and my wife does not work. You’re probably asking why? She has all sorts of medical problems that keep her from being able to work productively. She has suffered from migraines for years, stomach trouble, neuropathy, terrible periods, possible thyroid problems, and oh yeah, SPAD-Smart phone addiction disorder. (Specifically social networking) There is no way I could support the family bills and pay my own rent and utilities, not even with roommates. So what’s a husband to do? Do I just climb up on a cross and nail myself to it in sacrifice for our children and what is left of our family. She won’t do counseling, so that answers that question. (that’s another long story going back to her childhood PTSD)
If you are an abused wife there are places to go, if you are an abused husband you are screwed. No not physically abused although I am sexually deprived, I mean emotionally abused as in neglected and taken for granted for all I do for her. I’m the Chef, the Maid, the Butler, the Gardner, the Mechanic, the Therapist, the errand boy, the Veterinarian (3 cats 2 dogs), the Accountant…basically her all around *****. Don’t get me wrong, she takes the kids to school and picks them up 90% of the time, she cooks, cleans and does chores on occasion or when I nag enough, and she mowed the yard once at our old house. So I figure the scale is tipped about 80/20. I feel like I’m wasting my life on someone who doesn’t really care about me nor appreciate me and missing out on someone who will. She’s absorbed in her own problems, her life is miserable so she watches The Steve Likos show and similar shows every day to feel better about her life. 
So I’m the A**hole husband because I’m not sensitive to her needs and I don’t give her the emotional support she requires, I wonder why? If I leave her I’ll look like the bad husband because I’m leaving her sick and broke with two kids and all the pets, what a jerk am I? This is only the tip of the iceberg people, I’m not saying that I’m not without fault, I’m an enabler obviously who can be passive aggressive as anybody else. The measure a person is not in apologizing for doing wrong, rather what they do to make it right…I think I’ve done all I can, what do I do now?
~SNAFUBAR


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*SNAFU: IMHO, whether she likes it or not, counseling is the only true solution that I can see in getting anywhere close to solving your problem! You have absolutely nothing to apologize for!

Your's is certainly one case that hasn't entailed any aspect of infidelity, but you would be well served in reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Weber as well as The Married Man's Sex Life by Athol Kay!*


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tough spot to be in. Sounds like you can't leave. Some day maybe but for now, you gotta make it work.

If I was you I'd stop doing all the work around the house.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You aren't being abused. You do more in the house than she does. Do you ask for help from her? Stop doing so much. Is there anything you love about her? Start giving her emotional support and maybe you will get more sex. Even if you leave her that doesn't mean you will meet miss perfect, you left your first marriage and remarried and you aren't happy in this one. 

I say stick it out until the children are grown, so you can afford to live on your own as you won't have to pay child support.


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## SNAFUBAR (Feb 10, 2011)

She just wont go to counseling after what they did to her as a child, without details, she had a rough childhood to say the least. I could give her all the emotional support in the world and I've tried in the past, her childhood PTSD has more to do with our sex life than emotional support. Our sex is very one sided, if it were up to her, she could do without a man in that dept. If there is anything I love about her it is buried under contempt and resentment ATM, we say we love each other and chicken peck kiss but the actions are not there to support it. My first wife left me, we were young and she wanted more. Does sticking it out until the kids are older really solve anything? IMO it's just wasting more life I can't get back. I'm middle aged and not getting any younger and my hormones are going away by the day. I don't want to rely on a blue pill for sex, I want to enjoy it while I still can...nor do I want to die miserable.

I've tried letting housework go, If I don't do what I do I would be living in messy pig pen and I can't live that way. Our dog crapped the carpet yesterday and she couldn't clean up because it made her ill, was I just to leave it there? Of course not, I had to clean it up and use the carpet cleaner to clean the carpet. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and the book suggestions. I don't know if books will help me right now especially since I'm not a big reader and don't really have much free time since I'm doing the bulk of the work. I know nobody has the answers for me, but hearing from others still helps and so does venting. I have to resign myself to the fact that I am screwed and I enabled it 

Thank you.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

SNAFUBAR, the basic problem with giving you advice is that you put yourself in this position, and you won't take the advice, because although you protest how miserable you are, you're also completely comfortable with your situation.

But here goes.

Start changing by getting rid of the cats. It will reduce the vet bills and free up some money. Bonus points if they are "the wife's cats." Double bonus points if they are "your cats," for cutting nuts when its nut cutting time.

Shut down your wife's phone. I'd never heard it described as SPAD before, and I think that makes your wife SPAD-stic, which makes me giggle. But I'm easily amused. Anyway, cut off your wife's phone.

Hey, also cut off home cable vision, or dish TV, or whatever. If you can, go without home internet service.

This will cut off her SPADitude, and also directly prevent her from watching TV crap all day. Plus it saves you money!

Reduce the available dishes to dirty until there is one set of silverware and dishes per person. That way things don't pile up in the sink.


Of course, doing all these things will make your wife uncomfortable, and she will get mad at you and say mean things to you.

Which is why you won't do any of it.

See, its not really about her at all!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you want to be the man of the house, act like one

NLY was right..... cut off the damn phone. Cut expenses.

I'm a blunt person so I would tell her MC or we will D. Which do you want?

A person with childhood trauma.... will return to that age when things

do not go their way. Their emotional growth was stunted. 

If I post on a thread about D and it's not given up to then,

I always ask about their childhood. It has a lot more bearing than people think.

What do you want to happen?


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

From your post it sounds like she needs your help more than you need hers. If her health problems are genuine then yes, she may have a reason not to work. But then there's only so much you can do. If she refuses MC then it's on her.

Are your kids old enough to help out around the house? I think that could lighten your load at home. It won't do anything about the money situation, but it will free up some time.


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## headsage (Mar 18, 2015)

So now that you've vented, what do you want to REALLY do? And by Really, I mean COMMIT to? You can keep daydreaming of a better future, but it's not going to get you anywhere. So what's your next REAL step?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm in the same situation as you are. I'd love to get out of my marriage, I say that everyday and think it every minute...but I can't. People on here keep saying that men don't lose much money in a divorce. I've gotten to the point I don't pay attention anymore. If you don't want to listen to reality, that's your problem. Life for a married man is rough because there's no way out. You either put up with the BS or lose all your money and never be able to see your kids again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SNAFUBAR said:


> Thank you all for your thoughts and the book suggestions. I don't know if books will help me right now


You are VERY very wrong. Download the tape version of No More Mr Nice Guy and of Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Listen to it on your headphones while you commute to work or while you clean the house. 

IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SNAFUBAR said:


> I’ll try to keep this short as this is a 13 years saga in the making and to cover it all would be like reading War and Peace. Our problems are the same as everyone else’s just with a twist. The twist doesn’t matter, the long and short of is I want to leave my wife but there are 2 things stopping me:
> 1.	Two children
> 2.	Money
> Whether through divorce or just a separation doesn’t really matter to me as I’m never getting remarried, twice is enough and I don’t see the third time being a charm. I’m afraid of what it will do to our children, they are both very sensitive and one has anxiety problems. I already know that if children were not in the picture I would have left her, that’s basically my litmus test.
> ...


Time to redraw the boundaries of your relationship. Take a day off and sit down and logically document all the things that you are unhappy with currently. Also consider your role in this, I am sure it is not all her.
Speak with her about all of these things and tell her that you need some changes. Think back to the time when you were in love, why did you fall in love with her?
Can she do something outside the house such as charity work, part time job or something instead of watching mindless TV shows. She may actually be depressed and just cannot get out of it.
Have you actually ever spoken to her about how you feel? I would start with that first, not confrontational but more like 'honey we need to talk."


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