# Wife not physically attracted to me



## fobrick

Hi there
I am 41 years old and been with my wife for 22 years and married for 15. We have 3 children. She recently told me that she has never been physically attracted to me. We have a marriage where we have sex once a month at best and I am always the person doing the work. She tells me she is in love with me and wants o make the mariage work. When she met me I was a medical student and she certainly has agrred that she saw me as a geat future husband and father. I feel deceived and hurt. Whete do I go from here?


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## fobrick

I should mention everything else about the marriage is good. We have 3 lovely kids.


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## livnlearn

what was the context in which she told you this? 

have you changed much in appearance over the years...like gained a whole lot of weight, lost your hair....anything?

not saying any of this would be justification for such hurtful remarks....


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## fobrick

Actually no- been at gym more recently than ever. Hair all there. The issue that is most hurtful is that she says that she has never been physically attracted but hoped it would comw with time!!! Well its been 22 years and i guess it hasn't come!


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## Halien

I can only assume that she had a reason for telling you what the marriage meant to her all along. Now's the tough part. Will you accept that you are married to someone who doesn't find you attractive, and kept the news from you, and begin to work to make yourself attractive for her, or will you tell her that you deserve to be marriad to someone who does find you attractive as a person?

I am so sorry! Please stay with this site and read how others have dealt with similar situations. I think you have to give yourself time to process all of this.


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## fobrick

context was me pushing her about the infrequency of sex.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

OUCH! That was harsh.

What was the impetus for telling you this? What was the context of the conversation?

Did you inquire as to WHY she thought you would be a "great future husband and father?" (money? similar values? temperament?)

How does she feel/what does she say about sex a dozen times a year...and you're just barely in your 40s (I assume she's the same age, give or take)

Did you tell her you feel "deceived and hurt"? How did the conversation continue AFTER her declaration? Or did it just end?


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## fobrick

I guess the issue is she tells me she finds me attractive as a person- i.e good father, provider, good husband, just not physically attractive! I'm 5 foot 11 and 81kg and there have been other women who have found me attrctive I think!! Jees-I dont know where to go from here- I'm in love with her but maye I've been dooped?


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## fobrick

The conversation ended because I had to go to work! I stayed at work late and she was gong away with some girlfiends for the weekend so I came back just as she ws leaving. 
We had very similar values and are good friends


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## Almostrecovered

she sees you as a good father, caretaker, provider, man, person, philanthropist, etc

not a lover

so she's either LD (low drive) or can't connect to you sexually since you are a father figure

Athol Kay's Married Man's Sex Life might be a good read for you


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

You feel deceived and hurt and duped. You have a right to. Not only was her revelation shocking, but it was such a long-held opinion.

Do you fear there are OTHER THINGS that she hasn't been forthcoming about? Or do you feel this is pretty much the Alpha/Omega of your problems (sexual and otherwise?)


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## AFEH

fobrick said:


> The conversation ended because I had to go to work! I stayed at work late and she was gong away with some girlfiends for the weekend so I came back just as she ws leaving.
> We had very similar values and are good friends


She’s not attracted to you. Could very well mean she’s found someone else she is attracted to and is making direct comparisons between the two of you. And that she’s been really dumb to mention it. She’s not attracted to you could mean she’s off out with her girlfriends to find a man she is attracted to. She’s not attracted to you could mean this is the current COMMON THEME amongst her girlfriends and as a group they are using this to go out and get other men, this weekend.


These things are SERIOUS RED FLAGS that all is not well in your relationship with your wife!

From now on be Mr Cool! Don’t believe a word your wife tells you unless you can authenticate it. She will totally rewrite the history between the two of you. It’s most probably all lies to justify her behaviour so don’t get too upset about it.

And from now on SNOOP. Look in her emails, her phone etc. and get voice activated recorders to put in your home and in her car.

Just be Mr Cool, play it call and spy on your wife. If anything is going on it will show up soon and you’ll have evidence to confront her with. Without that evidence all you will get is lies, deceits and denials. You may even get those in the presence of evidence to the contrary, but you will know what the truth is.


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## AFEH

Thinking about it. If my wife told me something like that before going off for a weekend I'd do everything I could to get her to cancel it.

If she doesn't cancel it you know exactly where you stand.


I think you've a long road ahead of you.


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## chillymorn

yep sounds like she shopping for someone who she is attracted too.


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## livnlearn

sorry...I can imagine how hurtful that would be.  She said she has NEVER been physically attracted to you. Has infrequent sex always been an issue? I agree with the other posters that said this seems to be a red flag. I can say that when a spouse really loves you, physical imperfections that happen over time (aging) tend to not be such an issue...within reason of course. I question her claims of "loving you but not finding you attractive". Just doesn't add up....


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## Runs like Dog

That's the kind of statement you'd hear from someone who's autistic


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## Shaggy

I can't help but wonder if the message and the trip aren't related? We she telling you it, or telling herself it?

Do you know these women she's going with? What are they going to be up to?

Because it sounds very much like the I-Love-you-but... speech by cheaters.


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## Havesomethingtosay

People are too quick to jump to conclusions. She loves, you, your earnings, the family, kids, house...... Sex was never on the plate (1X/mth and that is from the beginning with maybe a spike when trying to conceive).

Probably both of you were inexperienced (you have been together since you were 19) and she was always LD. You are trying to change the playing field 22 years in and now have been told the awful truth. 

And yes it's time for that mid-life crisis you are having wanting more sex......

I'm very sorry for you.


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## sinnister

fobrick said:


> The conversation ended because I had to go to work! I stayed at work late *and she was gong away with some girlfiends for the weekend *so I came back just as she ws leaving.
> We had very similar values and are good friends




Ughhh.


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## Entropy3000

fobrick said:


> The conversation ended because I had to go to work! I stayed at work late and she was gong away with some girlfiends for the weekend so I came back just as she ws leaving.
> We had very similar values and are good friends


Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Where were the ladies going for the weekend?


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## Havesomethingtosay

While I will forever condemn those who did a "bait & switch", those that never had that spark and now want to ramp it up (20 years later), I am not sure what they expect.

I understand the lulls, the kid years, an awkward phase, stress and complacency all playing a role, but asking for something that was never there is a hard road to trek.

So quit posts about cheating and mlc's. The OP needs to know what his options are and reasonable expectations.


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## AFEH

Havesomethingtosay said:


> While I will forever condemn those who did a "bait & switch", those that never had that spark and now want to ramp it up (20 years later), I am not sure what they expect.
> 
> I understand the lulls, the kid years, an awkward phase, stress and complacency all playing a role, but asking for something that was never there is a hard road to trek.
> 
> So quit posts about cheating and mlc's. The OP needs to know what his options are and reasonable expectations.


You know the beauty of TAM for me is all the different people with their different life experiences and opinions. If such a place had been available to me years back I’m certain my life would have been somewhat improved because of it.

Even in my situation now, the diverse views, opinions and views given by members here are all, in their own way, helpful. It is for me of course to act, or not, on any advice given to me. And in that I have total responsibility for my own behaviour and therefore my own life.

And of course the same is true for any other member here! They are just like anybody else free to take or leave any advice given. I somehow feel certain that a wise person at least listens to all the advice give no matter how off the wall, how far out of the ballpark or how obtuse it may well be. Out of the mouths of babes and all that.


And then again if a poster wanted to receive the advice of just one person, say like your good self, then of course they are again free to seek the advice of individual counsellors.

But I would caution you on trying to exert your control of people most especially in a forum and most especially on the internet. Surely nothing can be much further out of the ballpark than that?

But then again your advice may well be far superior to that of anybody else here!


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## Entropy3000

Havesomethingtosay said:


> While I will forever condemn those who did a "bait & switch", those that never had that spark and now want to ramp it up (20 years later), I am not sure what they expect.
> 
> I understand the lulls, the kid years, an awkward phase, stress and complacency all playing a role, but asking for something that was never there is a hard road to trek.
> 
> So quit posts about cheating and mlc's. The OP needs to know what his options are and reasonable expectations.


You don not respect other peoples posts who are trying to help others.

I find this annoying at the least.

I am going to block your posts. Nothing personal. Just find it distracting. fyi.


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## Havesomethingtosay

Entropy3000 said:


> You don not respect other peoples posts who are trying to help others.
> 
> I find this annoying at the least.
> 
> I am going to block your posts. Nothing personal. Just find it distracting. fyi.


So you think she is cheating???? This is what happens everytime someone posts that their wife and them are having problems. Is that everyone's first reaction?

They never had sex often to begin with......

How about answering his thread and what to do, as opposed to letting paranoia creep in. I am stating that to those who have one line posts alluding to the fact she is probably cheating.

BTW.... What was so troubling in what I wrote? Trying to be a better person and all.....


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## AFEH

Havesomethingtosay said:


> So you think she is cheating???? This is what happens everytime someone posts that their wife and them are having problems. Is that everyone's first reaction?
> 
> They never had sex often to begin with......
> 
> How about answering his thread and what to do, as opposed to letting paranoia creep in. I am stating that to those who have one line posts alluding to the fact she is probably cheating.
> 
> BTW.... What was so troubling in what I wrote? Trying to be a better person and all.....


In my experience when a poster suggests from the information given that a guy’s wife may be cheating it usually turns out to be correct. I’d say around 90% or more of the time.


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## Tall Average Guy

Havesomethingtosay said:


> So you think she is cheating???? This is what happens everytime someone posts that their wife and them are having problems. Is that everyone's first reaction?


Not at all. But the subsequent information certainly raises a red flag. I would recommend that the OP rule it out while he does some other things.



> They never had sex often to begin with......


While that might be, the OP has never said that. Certainly a question I have is how the frequency has changed over their marriage, if at all.



> How about answering his thread and what to do, as opposed to letting paranoia creep in. I am stating that to those who have one line posts alluding to the fact she is probably cheating.
> 
> BTW.... What was so troubling in what I wrote? Trying to be a better person and all.....


Different people interpret information different ways. To try and shut off an interpretation at this early stage is foolish, especially with the lack of infomration that we have.

To the OP:

A couple of questions I have is how has the frequency of sex changed over your marriage? Also, what are your ages, as well as the ages of your children? Any significant life issues pop up recently (death in the family, her getting a job, a child leaving home or starting school)?


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## Catherine602

I'm having difficulty understanding what affect she expected this to have on you and your marriage. Was this revelation meant to be an explanation for monthly sex and that you should expect no more given the corcumstances? That's how I would frame it based on what you said. 

I suppose the ball is in your court. It might have been an offhand remark said in a state of peek and not true. Was it your impression during the early phases of your marriage that she was hot for you. It may be as simple as some of the stupid careless things we say to the people closest to us. We are more care with strangers than people we see everyday. 

Or she may be telling the truth. Somehow I don't think she is being truthful. Why now does she tell you this and what in the would does she expect now. Are you both going to go out and find people you are hot about??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub

fobrick said:


> context was me pushing her about the infrequency of sex.


fobrick - do not misunderstand, you were lied to for 22 years. You were a med student and she saw you as good as good material? You are not a slave or a beast of burden to be selected from the herd! She is saying there is no mutuality of attraction, that she's been using you for your attributes like money and parenting. Loving someone means, among other things, caring about what they need to make them happy, respecting them enough to be honest with them, and not taking advantage of their love. Read about the good marriages and the wives who care about their husbands. She does not love you, she loves the things you do and provide. 

Ask her how she'd feel if someone did to one of your children what she's done to you. How would you feel? Picture if before you were married she told you what she just told you; would you still marry her?

I would also note that some of the people may not be wrong, she may be looking to get out for someone specific or something in general. Dissatisfied people are also historical revisionists (e.g., it has always been this way).


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## Toffer

"So quit posts about cheating"

Yoy can't because these are both possibilities

Spruchub, good post about asking the wife how she'd feel if it was her or one of her jids!


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## Entropy3000

AFEH said:


> In my experience when a poster suggests from the information given that a guy’s wife may be cheating it usually turns out to be correct. I’d say around 90% or more of the time.


What most people say is to rule out cheating. You do that early on because frankly it is something one can actually do. If there is an affair that has to be dealt with first and quickly. You rule that out first because is it exists it is a ticking timebomb. But even further it is not black and white cheating that I am talking about. It is to invesitgate outside influences. Toxic friends, EAs, and frankly any other information that may explain the situation.

Also what his wife is saying may be absolutely true. However it could also be history re-writing. The I never really loved you stuff. 

She is telling him they do not have sex more often because she does not find him attractive. I suggest while he investigates ( snoops ), that he also work on himself. Go to www.marriedmansexlife.com.

If he is already in good physical shape then that is not the issue. Perhaps he displays low value to her for other reasons. Yes, this is the ILYBNILWY speech. Just prior to her going on a weekend with her friends ... somewhere. Probably innocent but it begs a lot of questions. More information would be helpful.


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## LovesHerMan

Ouch--she said she was never physically attracted to you? Sounds like she just wants financial security. I would re-examine my loyalty to a woman like this. Every man's nightmare--to be valued for pay check only.


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## Havesomethingtosay

fobrick said:


> Hi there
> I am 41 years old and been with my wife for 22 years and married for 15. We have 3 children. She recently told me that she has never been physically attracted to me. *We have a marriage where we have sex once a month at best and I am always the person doing the work. *She tells me she is in love with me and wants o make the mariage work. When she met me I was a medical student and she certainly has agrred that she saw me as a geat future husband and father. I feel deceived and hurt. Whete do I go from here?


When I read that and we are talking about people meeting very young and inexperienced, yes there is nothing but red flags.

41 is early signs of mid life crisis. The OP is addressing it by disatisfaction with their sex life and wanting to . Whether she is having one or something worse, I don't think there is anything in the OP saying that. She probably felt pressure about sex (especially if she is LD as 1X/mth indicates) and lashed out inappropriately.

As said am very sorry for the OP, and can't think of anything much worse to say.


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## Deejo

We see this from time to time. Woman chooses her mate based upon security and paternal prospects. Raw attraction, was never part of the deal.

It's a raw bill of goods.

However, if you know what she is telling you simply isn't true based upon her behavior and response to you in the past ... even if it's the distant past, THEN you have a pretty good notion that she is trying to justify her distancing and alienating behavior ... and if not cheating ... has probably thought about it.

Where do you go? Where do you want things to go? Do you want to stay with a woman whose point of interest in you is your paycheck, and your accommodating manner?


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## hookares

It should come to nobody's surprise that some women, (and men?) marry for financial security. My ex did and it worked out fine for her for two decades. If the OP's wife isn't physically attracted to him, he can't fix that, but can address his problem with it. This may be the very first time in their time together that she has actually been truthful with him on ANYTHING.
Forty one is the prime of a man's life and he would be very foolish indeed to cancel out physical attraction as a benefit of the relationship simply because he didn't know he picked the wrong woman.
Staying together for the benefit of the children is of no value to THEM since he probably hasn't been able to conceal his frustration and now that she's given him a clue, it will only get worse.


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## fobrick

Thank you all for your posts. I've never posted before on any site and its nice to have some support! I'll try and answer some questions. Our kids are 12,10 and 6. i have no concerns about my wife on this weekend- she is running a half marathon in the forrest! I'm going up to meet her on Saturday night.
Our relationship I thought had generally been good, I really don't suspect any affair but I guess you never know- have not discussed this yet.
One of my biggest problems with all this is this- most people see me as a nice guy-and sometimes i get sick of just being seen like that-I thought my marriage had more to it than that but maybe not?


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## fobrick

My wife has already said she wished she didn't tell me this but i thanked her for her honesty. I think she is genuinely concerned about hurting me but also she sees this as a bump in the road that we can work out- I'm just not sure how- as hookares said it feels like the resentment will only get worse and i'm as unlikely to have sex with her now as she is with me! (total lack of self esteem!)


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## Bluemoon1

I am sure you are going to get this answer in far more detail from more experienced posters (and there are some brilliant ones on here and No more Mr Nice Guy Forum)

But you really need to start upping the Alpha behaviour and lowering the beta behaviour Athols site explains it in more detail, destabilise the marriage.

Never beg for sex, never argue or plead it makes you look weak!

If you venture further into this you will discover that women are funny creatures and are very different than men in what they respond to, and I have found that weakness is the biggest turn off for a woman! 

In short start to man up!


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## fobrick

I want to do everything I can to make this work as i am in love with my wife and my family- but do I neglect my feelings in this and how can it ever be different? Think I will go to a psychologist myself as a starter.


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## HurtinginTN

I could have written what you wrote almost word for word. 41 years old, 3 kids, married for 14 years, sex was practically non-existent for most of the marriage. There were spikes while trying to conceive, as someone mentioned. I also got the "not attracted to you" bit. She even said she married me because she thought I would be a good father. All of this was over the course of several years. 

I tried improving my looks, working out, etc. I only got frustrated when it did no good. There is something deeper than the physical looks. My wife did have an affair. A long, drawn out affair. I saw his picture. Granted, I have a biased opinion about the SOB, but I swear he was about the ugliest dude I have ever seen. It had nothing to do with his looks (or mine). He had "met her emotional needs" which made her want to do what she could to please him. She was certainly not "low drive" with that ugly joker.

The reason I tell you all this is because I know you have had a tremendous blow to your self-esteem. As you stated, other women have been attracted to me as well over the years. I'm sure you are a decent looking man, as I consider myself to be. The issue is not your looks.

In talking about the sex issue with me and my wife, several things have come up that may be relevant to you and your wife. One is that she always felt "pressured" (I hate that word!) for sex. She felt it was expected, and therefore, she couldn't freely give herself. It was a horrible snowball for years. The more I wanted it, the less she gave it. 

DO NOT JUST TRY TO ACCEPT THE FACT SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU!!! I did that. I thought, well, I just need to get over it. She's just Low Drive. That's just the way she is. I just need to accept it and get over it. 

Dig deeper. Search diligently for the root issues. It is not about your looks. It is something much deeper than that. I don't know what it is, but I'm confident there is something in there. 

Good luck and hang in there.


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## Deejo

Check the sticky at the top of the Men's Clubhouse. Lots of information there.


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## fobrick

ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


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## Almostrecovered

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


Translation: I had an EA


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## Almostrecovered

Btw- asking someone of they're having an affair will very rarely get you the truth


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## Havesomethingtosay

Okay I was wrong........ 

But over the phone!!!! Really???? 

I am the last to say it considering what I read on here, but man up....

Start doing things for yourself..... Ask for sex or start it (i.e. doing the things a good husband does) and if she stops you, absolutely don't beg or pout. 

Good luck.


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## AFEH

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


Some people just don’t listen.

Look. If your wife is telling you the truth now about never being physically/emotionally attracted to you for over 20 years that means she’s deceived you for that length of time. Deception is about lying, it’s about having one “inside face” and one “outside face”, it’s about being two faced.

And now you ask her a question, such a very deep, personal question the answer to which could have enormous, tremendous consequences, like the loss of her life as she now has with you, and you expect a truthful answer!

Don’t worry. A lot of us have been there believing our wife would never lie to us.



Something has happened that made your wife tell you what she told you. Like “Why NOW. Why after all these years, after more than two decades do you tell me such a thing NOW”. You need to find out what that something is.


If you stop being so NICE you may actually find out what's going on.


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## Halien

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


I felt a sinking feeling when you posted this. Now things are making sense. 

Others will tell you to investigate a real affair, because ... really, is she going to tell the truth? You just caught her off guard and you got enough to tell you what you need to know about her real feelings for you.

What I'm saying is that you will probably want to dig deeper into whether she had an affair, and aborted exit plan, etc, but don't lose track of what she did tell you already. She told you enough to let you know that when she says that she wants to grow her love for you, this probably hasn't been the truth in the past. She's been looking for at least the possibility of an exit.

I feel so sorry for the place that this puts you. Just being more loving, supportive and helpful will not work, most likely. To her, you are already won over. You can be her back up plan if nothing else comes along, in my opinion. What you really need is a forced change that makes her want to pursue you, to keep you in her life. And this is always risky, because she already admitted that you are not an attractive option.

I would suggest a very direct approach. In fact, even the implication that staying away from you this weekend might mean that she'll already be at risk of losing the marriage. Just my opinion. You can tell her that you consider her declaration of no attraction to be unacceptable, and you will not settle for half-a$$ed attempts to fix it. Right now, if this "almost affair" was really in the past, you are her only option, and forcing her to make a decision to save the marriage might shake her. Make her come to you, to propose what she will do to keep you from calling it quits. 

Seems too likely that she is looking for a way out...


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## Browncoat

There are some things you may be able to help her be more attracted to you. For many women it's the clothes that make the man.

If you can afford to, I'd say try and go shopping with her sometime (ugh I know) and try and look for some outfits that really do it for her and you feel good wearing. Maybe shop for some cologne if that's her thing.

Maybe another hairdo will be a help.

Anyway not saying you have to reinvent yourself but if there some things you can do to turn her perspective around why not.


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## HurtinginTN

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


Dude, I'm sorry for you. This could mean a whole lot of things. I recently found out my wife had a "15 minute or so make out session" in a dude's car years ago. She did not consider that an affair. 

A friend of mine told me he had an emotional affair, but it never went physical. Later, he told me they had done "everything but intercourse". (This was not with my wife. After reading this, I thought I should clarify.)

I consider both of these instances a physical affair, but neither of them did. I don't know what your wife meant by "came close", but prepare yourself that they at least kissed. That was a hard blow to me.

It could mean a lot of things. She found some guy attractive at work once and the thought crossed her mind would be about the best meaning. I hope, for your sake, that it is on that end of the spectrum.

I agree with the other posters. There is some reason she is telling you this NOW.


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## AFEH

Tie his wife up, spank her bum and other such things will likely have more effect.

I guess Nice Guys aren’t dominant, they’re rather passive and compliant. If that’s so dressing differently he’ll still be the same passive, compliant guy inside his clothes.

Maybe his wife wants, or even needs him to be more dominant, which will mean he is more sexually attractive to her, turn her on, give her the hots and therefore more attractive as a man, to her.


But can Nice Guys actually do those things?


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## fobrick

i guess there the old issue of trust now.What if I make some changes and she says Im more attractive to her- how do i know if its the truth. And i don't want to have sex with someone who does not find me physically attractive. I have never begged for sex! I can get her in the mood sometimes with a lot of hard work. I guess its not coming across that she's really a lovely person to me on the whole and our life has been very satisfying


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## Toffer

So after 22 years, you think that maybe you and she can work on the issue of her NEVER being attracted to you physically? Doubt it

Tipping your hand (worse that you did it over the phone) was a mistake. 

Something is beginning to smell fishier and fishier here. I think I would get a polygraph done and see who she's been with the past 22 years (besides you) and what an "almost affair" looks like to her!


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## Havesomethingtosay

fobrick said:


> i guess there the old issue of trust now.What if I make some changes and she says Im more attractive to her- how do i know if its the truth. And i don't want to have sex with someone who does not find me physically attractive. *I have never begged for sex! I can get her in the mood sometimes with a lot of hard work.* I guess its not coming across that she's really a lovely person to me on the whole and our life has been very satisfying


Not good..... Sorry.... Time to reassess your life, prioritize and figure what you want from your life, your wife family and the future.

I highlight the above as that does not bode well.

Also your last sentence will be picked apart and some pointed questions will arise. Yada yada yada...... Really you believe that????? How nice and great would she be if she did not have a fulfilling life, good kids, a devoted husband and an affluent lifestyle???? BTW Does she work? Do you have/had help at home?


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## Entropy3000

fobrick said:


> i guess there the old issue of trust now.What if I make some changes and she says Im more attractive to her- how do i know if its the truth. And i don't want to have sex with someone who does not find me physically attractive. I have never begged for sex! I can get her in the mood sometimes with a lot of hard work. I guess its not coming across that she's really a lovely person to me on the whole and our life has been very satisfying


If your sex life improves then just consider it an opportunity to get to the plate more often. No matter her motives this is moving things in a positive direction IMO.

Don't make this more difficult on yourself. Read that book. Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## Entropy3000

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


Ok, so your are now seeing the tip of the iceberg.

This also throws into some doubt that she never found you attractive. It just increase the likelihood of history re-writing.


Yes this may mean she has had one of more EAs, but it could also mean it did go physical but it ran its course. I just don't think you have the whole picture yet.

You need to have some quiet uninteruppted time with her to calmly have her explain in some detail what she meant by almost affair.


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## anchorwatch

fobrick, 

Entropy gave you a link in his post. Go to that site, use the info there to understand how it compares to your situation. If you use the methods there you should be able to help your marriage. They are designed so your wife will be attracted to you. Your an educated person and you'll see right off how these behavioral changes will work. 

These too.


Deejo said:


> Check the sticky at the top of the Men's Clubhouse. Lots of information there.



Good luck


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## Entropy3000

fobrick said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I've never posted before on any site and its nice to have some support! I'll try and answer some questions. Our kids are 12,10 and 6. i have no concerns about my wife on this weekend- she is running a half marathon in the forrest! *I'm going up to meet her on Saturday night.*
> Our relationship I thought had generally been good, I really don't suspect any affair but I guess you never know- have not discussed this yet.
> One of my biggest problems with all this is this- most people see me as a nice guy-and sometimes i get sick of just being seen like that-I thought my marriage had more to it than that but maybe not?


Awesome.


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## sandc

I think you need to shake her up. In person. Demand the truth. When she confesses demand the rest of the story. Act like you know the truth already. Try not to wretch as the truth comes trickling out.


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## fobrick

Just don't understand how i can get someone to find me physically attractive when its never been the case? Maybe that book will help?


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## HurtinginTN

fobrick said:


> Just don't understand how i can get someone to find me physically attractive *when its never been the case?*


I doubt that part is true. She admitted "almost" having an affair. An almost universal theme in affairs seems to be the re-writing of history. I wouldn't get so hung up on this one statement. It was an incredibly cruel and insensitive thing to say, but it probably wasn't completely true.


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## anchorwatch

fobrick said:


> Just don't understand how i can get someone to find me physically attractive when its never been the case? Maybe that book will help?


You came here for information and experience. Didn't you? Now you doubt it. You have a lot to lose with out direction...your not unique in you situation. 

It can help...just read it, then chose.


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## Deejo

Nobody here enjoys being right about this stuff.

And I understand how harsh it can sound hearing people tell you to leave your wife, or that your marriage is a sham.

Here is the hard part to get your head around, and you need to think about it ... seriously.

What makes this woman fill you with feelings of love to the point of surrendering ... everything ... including your self-respect?

I'm not telling you to kick her the curb. I'm telling you that you need to figure out why you so DESPERATELY want to hang on.

It's a rough road. And most of the harsh input that you receive is because many, many, others have already traveled it.

You want answers from her ... I'll give you a simple one. They will neither be answers that you want ... nor will they be 'the truth'.

And here is the part that most guys struggle with ... you don't NEED the truth to come from her. You will know it in your gut when you have it. You may very much long to hear it from her, but even when she is effectively telling you 'the truth', (and she apparently has been pretty open) you will still want to deny or avoid it. And I know that hurts.

My opinion is that the best thing you can do in the short term is back away. Go cold. If you follow the script that so many that come here do ... you are going to want to talk this thing to death, all in the hope that 'talk' will yield understanding or compassion. It will not. It will actually increase her disdain for you.

Your relationship dynamic is very, very, broken. It will take a good deal of work to realign it so that you can move forward, in whatever form 'forward' takes.

Do what you need to do ... ask questions. Above all, take care of yourself.


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## sandc

fobrick said:


> Just don't understand how i can get someone to find me physically attractive when its never been the case? Maybe that book will help?


I'm not that physically attractive but my wife is always telling me how handsome I am. In reality I'm short and overweight. I'm shorter than my wife! But when she tells me she thinks I'm handsome I believe her. I don't think it's because she finds me particularly physically handsome, I think it is my attitude. I think you need to change your attitude to make yourself more attractive to your wife.

Think about the men she's been attracted to over the years. Try to find a commonality among them. What traits other than their physical appearance do you think attracted your wife. 

If your attitude aligns into what she things is attractive, you WILL be attractive. You said yourself that you're not bad looking. So you know it's not about looks. It's about who you are. Confidence? A commanding presence? What is it that really sends her?

It will only benefit her if you both reconcile. But it will benefit you when you hit the market again. Make sure she knows if you do divorce that you WILL be back on the market. You won't be pining for her.


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## RClawson

Deejo said:


> Nobody here enjoys being right about this stuff.
> 
> And I understand how harsh it can sound hearing people tell you to leave your wife, or that your marriage is a sham.
> 
> Here is the hard part to get your head around, and you need to think about it ... seriously.
> 
> What makes this woman fill you with feelings of love to the point of surrendering ... everything ... including your self-respect?
> 
> I'm not telling you to kick her the curb. I'm telling you that you need to figure out why you so DESPERATELY want to hang on.
> 
> It's a rough road. And most of the harsh input that you receive is because many, many, others have already traveled it.
> 
> You want answers from her ... I'll give you a simple one. They will neither be answers that you want ... nor will they be 'the truth'.
> 
> And here is the part that most guys struggle with ... you don't NEED the truth to come from her. You will know it in your gut when you have it. You may very much long to hear it from her, but even when she is effectively telling you 'the truth', (and she apparently has been pretty open) you will still want to deny or avoid it. And I know that hurts.
> 
> My opinion is that the best thing you can do in the short term is back away. Go cold. If you follow the script that so many that come here do ... you are going to want to talk this thing to death, all in the hope that 'talk' will yield understanding or compassion. It will not. It will actually increase her disdain for you.
> 
> Your relationship dynamic is very, very, broken. It will take a good deal of work to realign it so that you can move forward, in whatever form 'forward' takes.
> 
> Do what you need to do ... ask questions. Above all, take care of yourself.


Such great insight Deejo. My wife has said more than her fair share of hurtful things over the years but if she said this to me I cannot see how I could ever recover. True or not how do you erase that? Well you do not. This is one of those posts that I do not like to read. It breaks me down a bit maybe because it is a bit closer to home than I want to admit.

Doctor I do not know how you fix this but Deejo has really shared some enlightened thought. I hope you take it to heart.


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## bandit.45

While she is away on her trip you need to be looking through her emails and snooping for clues of an affair. Don't let this time gpo to waste. Get her cell phone records and look to see if there are a lot of calls to a number you don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PooDoo

"she has never been physically attracted to me"

(After 22 years of marriage) says alot more about her than about you. Toss a hand grenade then go off for the weekend - Really?!?!?


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## Havesomethingtosay

What happened after the weekend???? Would love an update.

Hope all is well....


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## MrK

fobrick said:


> context was me pushing her about the infrequency of sex.


BIG mistake. Men, just let it go.


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## Toffer

F,
After having commented earlier on in this thread, I kinda lost track for a while.

As I caught up on alot of replies telling you how to make yourself more attractive to her it hit me. After 20 + years of being lied to and led around by the nose, why would you want to have sex with a woman who never found you attractive? Why do you have to fix yourself? She's the one who is broken!

I hope you've followed some of the advice here about investigating. I know that if I thought that my wife "almost" had an affair, that would tell me that it was time to move on because there was doubt in her heart. If she told me she looked at hot guys, I would be OK with that.


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## MrK

E3K was right. "Almost had an affair" = EA at BEST. I can guarantee it was also some kind of physical contact she doesn't consider an "affair".

Want the unspoken bombshell? She doesn't love you. Men need T&A and little more for sex. Women want emotional attachment. There are exceptions, of course. But if a woman loves you and finds you emotionally attractive, she'll find a way to please you sexually. And will even enjoy it herself. If she doesn't love you, it is a chore that once a month she's pressured into it.

I understand why you put this in the Men's section, but you need women to tell you why they fall out of love with their husbands. Not that they will. That seems to be the best kept secret in relationships. She may never have loved you. I'm pretty sure my wife never did.


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## MIMO

Man! you can't really tell what is on women minds hu! Seriously guys... I feel like we men are like open book! Most of the time sincere and not turning around or finding excuses!


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## Relationship Coach

Almostrecovered said:


> she sees you as a good father, caretaker, provider, man, person, philanthropist, etc
> 
> not a lover
> 
> so she's either LD (low drive) or can't connect to you sexually since you are a father figure
> 
> Athol Kay's Married Man's Sex Life might be a good read for you


This is good advice. No sex is a big red flag. 

With that said, I don't know enough to say she lied to you. This may be a horrible issue, or it may be as simple as she was never attracted to your physical body but very attracted to you for all the stuff you do (eg your intelligence). If that hasn't been on display lately, well, all that's there is the bag of fluid and bones that she doesn't really find particularly appealing. 

How long has the sex been gone? What was it like before? How did it usually get going?


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## Catherine602

MIMO said:


> Man! you can't really tell what is on women minds hu! Seriously guys... I feel like we men are like open book! Most of the time sincere and not turning around or finding excuses!


Really? Sounds like you think men are victimized by women. That's only one of your problems, I am sure. 

You think all relationship problems are caused by women and the male partner does not participate equally? If you want to generalize, i will too. Men are notorious for not communicating and not working on their relationships. That is probably why 70% of divorces are initiated by women. What do you say to that?


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## that_girl

Dude! Go get hot!


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## MIMO

Catherine602 said:


> Really? Sounds like you think men are victimized by women. That's only one of your problems, I am sure.
> 
> You think all relationship problems are caused by women and the male partner does not participate equally? If you want to generalize, i will too. Men are notorious for not communicating and not working on their relationships. That is probably why 70% of divorces are initiated by women. What do you say to that?


Women try always to imply themselves on others. They have more ability to give orders than to listen! I think 70% of divorces are initiated by women because their requirements are above the reality level! Impossible to achieve many times. When man is not willing to communicate it is because he is sure that nobody will listen or when a woman uses 2 useful words with 8 more not useful in a 10 words sentence.... It is a debate that was initiated since the beginning of this world. Nobody and change it or find a solution... Men will blame women and vice versa...


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## tacoma

fobrick said:


> ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!


LMAO

I`m sorry but this is funny.

Why would someone trust that their spouse would tell the truth concerning this question.

They almost never do when they`re guilty.


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## Catherine602

MIMO said:


> Women try always to imply themselves on others. They have more ability to give orders than to listen! I think 70% of divorces are initiated by women because their requirements are above the reality level! Impossible to achieve many times. When man is not willing to communicate it is because he is sure that nobody will listen or when a woman uses 2 useful words with 8 more not useful in a 10 words sentence.... It is a debate that was initiated since the beginning of this world. Nobody and change it or find a solution... Men will blame women and vice versa...


Well, i don't know your story but, when you recover from whatever hell is going on in your life, you will be able to let go of these views. 

Then you'll meet a loving women and these negative feeling will fall away. Trust your intuition and you will meet her. All women are not as you say. 

Although it may not feel like it now, you are in control of your life. You may have to make some difficult choices. 

Based on what you say here, it is time you did. Oh and don't let the beotch, whoever she is, win. You are a better man than that and you know it.


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