# E-Marrital affairs- long term success rate?



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Ashamed to say but I began my current mariage frim an affair. He was not married but I was. 12 years ago he had an affair, which did not go the long haul, and we reconciled, as I understood from experience how these things occur. Now 20 years down the line he has go into another affair. We are separated now. We have been married 20 years, so I would consider this successful.
I think there is a lot of stats which are not really reliable, and wondered what others experiences are on this site. Are they doomed at the outset, or do they work. I know there are many different circumstances. If I was to be honest I feel my husband's current one has a lot more chance than the last one. Less family committment and ties now our children older, etc.
Just curious to hear what others think?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I've always felt the odds were slim of a successful relationship that was spawned in an affair. The one study I did read put the failure rate at near 90%. Trust issues, guilt and the fact that the participants have already crossed a line before making it easier to do again. I've always used the analogy of building a house on a poor foundation. More than likely it'll all come crashing down.... sooner or later.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

That is quite heartening to hear Amp. i don't wish him to be unhappy in the long run. Just wanted him to separate, work on his own issues, then see if we had a chance to try and work it out or not. I was happy to wait until he decided. This was on the condition nobody else, just him on his own. So I hope this particular one does not work out. I have my doubts though.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer said:


> Ashamed to say but I began my current mariage frim an affair. He was not married but I was. 12 years ago he had an affair, which did not go the long haul, and we reconciled, as I understood from experience how these things occur. Now 20 years down the line he has go into another affair. We are separated now. We have been married 20 years, so I would consider this successful.
> I think there is a lot of stats which are not really reliable, and wondered what others experiences are on this site. Are they doomed at the outset, or do they work. I know there are many different circumstances. If I was to be honest I feel my husband's current one has a lot more chance than the last one. Less family committment and ties now our children older, etc.
> Just curious to hear what others think?


I am not quite clear what you mean on your post. Are you saying that while you were married, your husband had an affair. Or did you mean to say that you had an affair with a married man who later became your husband. :scratchhead:

Just trying to understand because I think that resentment can be so deep rooted if your S cheats, that a lot of people suppress that resentment in order to forgive rather than actually letting of it.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

It was a bit muddly brighterlight.

I was in an unhappy marrriage. Husband refused to do anything about it. I had an EA which becam a PA. We lived together for about 2 years, bought my husband out of the home so he could get a place. Then we married.

We have been together 20 years in all until now. 12 years ago his husband , had an affair. We separated, but got it back together. I was able to understand from my own experiences and was not judgmental. However think he should have learnt a lesson then. Unhappily we are now separated, very bitterly I am afraid.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Aorry I meant 12 years ago this husband!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I dunno RD, from my experience, the infidelity was a huge loss for me. I was able to forgive but quite honestly, I never really let go of it completely. I just learned to live with it buried away because I loved her more than the pain. I think it is the destruction of trust that an affair brings to a marriage and once you don't have that, you are done! I hate to be so negative about it because I would like to know that it wasn't a love affair and just a physical one. In my view and feelings, it would have been easier for me to let go of a PA because there is no emotional attachmet there and everyone makes mistakes, we are all human. But I could never quite get over the EA. There was such a sense of betrayal there because she opened up our personal relationship to the OM for several years. I asked her to stop going out to lunch with him at work and she just shat all over my needs. It ended up in a PA like I knew it eventually would. This was over 10 years ago but the lack of trust and respect for our personal relationship was damaged.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Brighterlight,did her affair end then, and if so why? How are you doing?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer said:


> Brighterlight,did her affair end then, and if so why? How are you doing?


As far as I knew - yes. She ended it. Although I was a little leary at times about the OM still working at our company. There is no way for me to know how many if any interchange of emails there were. I truly believe she did end it, but she couldn't help but to see him around the halls and offices every now and then.

It ended because we were both hurt by it. We realized that if it did not end immediately, that the marriage would - she chose the marriage over him. He was also married anyway. It was their EA that really killed my soul. I had asked her for a few years before to stop going to lunch with this guy alone. Her response was always that the lunches meant nothing, that he is just "a friend" - did I mention he was a tri-athlete. shyeah, right! I know how men think and what thier motives are. The right thing for me to have done was to beat the cr**p out of the dude (I am no scrawny guy either), but instead, I was so emotionally hurt by this that I told her to go ahead and get the go***da**m PA overwith - because I knew it would invariably come - so she did! This was a major mistake on my part because she is so resentful that I "let her do that", that she blames me for it. Is it me, or has the whole world gone mad?

Anyway, that was about 11 years ago. I forgave her. We worked through it, counseling and all and I really did put it behind me. So I guess with respect to that I was doing fine. But now with the impending divorce, not so hot - just OK. Trying to work through it. Very tough, I have my good and bad days just like so many on here. I lost a lot. I gave up a lot. I dedicated my life to her. At least I can look back at the great times we had, three super great kids that are the light of my life and many years of good and bad experiences that will I never forget. I think if there ever is a next one (W), she will be getting a much better partner - and for life. I am a devout husband in good times AND in bad.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

So strange how blame is allotted so easily. 
Like so many as you say we are working our way through this mess.
I am currently just going through the motions, work, meet friends, it's ok, but ONLY ok,no real enjoyment. Sounds like you are doing as well as you can. 
Thanksfor the input.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer said:


> So strange how blame is allotted so easily.
> Like so many as you say we are working our way through this mess.
> I am currently just going through the motions, work, meet friends, it's ok, but ONLY ok,no real enjoyment. Sounds like you are doing as well as you can.
> Thanksfor the input.


Going through the motions is exactly dead on. Wake up, go to work, come home, exercise, work on the house, go to bed.

I don't get the friends in there because I am really home bound until I can get out of this mess; we are in an in-house separation - it's tough. So it's pretty routine, like you said, just OK.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

In house separation sounds tough. We had 7 months when I thought my husband was depressed, that was awful. Even my daughter siad it could not be worse if he left as the atmosphere was so bad at home. Turned out to be more than depression!

But now he is gone and with OW I still miss him. It is now 23.45 hours here, but it is taking all my strength not to txt him to say 'Are you awake?' Where is the logic in that?

Anyway the jealous side of me wants to know, will it last???

I will keep going through the motions, and it will eventually get better. Hope you soon get yourself some independent living arrangements.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks rein. You hang in there! I don't think that waywards, as JellyBeans calls them, can commit to anything long term. I would be willing to bet he is just living the fantasy right now. It'll wear off. What would he think if you found yourself OM? I wonder if it would bother him. I'd give it a shot, why not? You deserve to be happy and the sooner you take care of yourself, the quicker you can move on.

As for me- we have a couple coming to see the house tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. Hope we sell. I am sick of being mr. Nice guy to my stbxw only to see here talk to me like dirt. I can sense she wants to get rid of me asap. I wonder if she knows the feeling is mutual at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

You are doing well to keep so pleasant. I do hope the viewing of your house goes well, and you can start your new plans. 
I am not ready for OM yet, but like to think about a new future at some time. I don’t think he would care to be honest, even if he did he would not show it.
Problem is we were out having a friendly drink 4 weeks into our separation. No strings , just that. Then I found out lies and more cheating. Confronted him last Sunday, and I cut all communication lines, even asked him to talk to our daughter on her mobile, so I would not answer the phone to him. I have created my own very sudden and abrupt end, and now I am dealing with the consequences.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Abrupt endings are sometimes a good thing, reindeer. 

I wouldn't think the track record for affairs building lasting relationships is that great. 20 years is pretty good. The new relationship is built on a foundation of deceit, and real trust is probably not there. I think both people know that the one who left someone will most likely leave the other sooner or later.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Why do you think abrupt endings are good WS?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

and to add to WS's comment - think about the OW he's with. If she is ballsy enough to have an affair with a married man - well - what do you think she will do when she grows tired of him. You are on the right track. He walked out on you, you have every right to feel the way you are feeling and have every right to cut communications. I think that asking him to go through your daughter was brilliant. That gives you some space for yourself while signalling to him that you don't need him and you will be just fine on your own and at the same time, if you need to get word to him for some reason, you don't have to call him yourself. Hang in there.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

She works with him, so has plenty of contact. I have txt her several times, seen her photo on facebook.

After I posted the last post our landline phone rang. I ignored it, as we always get an advertising call at that time of day. I checked after though and it was him. I dialled his number on my mobile, and was taking phone to my daughter to use. I t went to ansaphone, he was already talking to her on her phone. I guess he rang by mistake. Glad I did not answer.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Reindeer: An abrupt ending is good in this case because he has an active relationship with the OW. Mine has a relationship with an OW, and I've ended all contact except what's absolutely necessary to converse about kids. I think it's a good choice because why would you want someone in your life who treats you that way by having an affair? Especially when he's been lying through his teeth (like mine has been, too). That's why I think abrupt end is good for me. I can start a new life and leave a loser behind.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

WS that does make make perfect sense, and I can't ague it logically. Thankyou.


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