# At a Loss.....



## GulfCoastGal (May 31, 2011)

Hey All,

I am at a crossroads in my life. My husband and I have had a relationship full of ups and downs in the 14 years we have known one another (8 married, 6 dating). On a regular basis now, I ask myself (and God) why I ever got married in the first place. We have a beautiful daughter who is 5 and a real pistol - definitely a unique and interesting individual. Our turbulent past doesn't include infidelity or abuse of any variety, but he was emotionally distant to me during many of our first years together. He has changed a lot in this department since the birth of our child, I think parenthood rounds off a lot of ones edges, but it doesn't seem to be enough. He is a very good man - honest, loyal, and a dedicated father. He works doctor's hours but gets paid like a janitor (no offense meant to any of our members out there dedicated to keeping the places we work and play clean and tidy), but this is more of a by-product of his industry than any personal failings. Actually we both work and my salary is not too far off from what he brings in. I have been considering ending my marriage on and off for many years. Quite frankly, I am not sure how much of this is driven by the fact that I tend to be somewhat of a loner (and living with someone this intimately obviously infringes on those tendencies), or that I am just deeply unhappy in our relationship. Now rest assured that I know the cardinal rule of every relationship is that you can't rely on others to make you happy. It isn't that I expect my H to make me happy, just more so that I wish he wouldn't be a constant contributing factor to my unhappiness. I am actually taking and have for awhile antidepressants to deal with my end of things, but just don't appear to be making any headway on the marriage front. This is not a situation he is unaware of. He asks me sporadically if I think we will make it to our 10-year, 25-year or (fill in the blank) anniversary to which I reply I don't know, so he obviously is cognizant of the fact that I find our relationship unfulfilling. It's sad because if I told my family or friends that I was contemplating divorce they would think I was crazy. I am sure many people in this forum can relate to how alienated and depressed that can make a person feel and probably why we seek solace and guidance from strangers in this medium. I just think we had too much baggage going into the marriage to begin with (lots of break ups and make ups). I guess the ultimatum I gave to become engaged should have been the first tip off. It has gotten to the point that sometimes I feel like it would just be better if I didn't wake up in the morning then to have to struggle on feeling hopeless if things remain status quo or deal with the emotional trauma for everyone involved that a divorce would cause. I just don't want to hurt or cry all of the time any more. It just feels like it would be nice to have a new beginning in all areas of my life - not just meeting someone new to love, though if we were to divorce if that did eventually happen it would be nice. I am tired of being angry all of the time and don't like the person I see when I look through his eyes. At work and with my friends I am funny and vivacious, but I do think my H considers me to be somewhat of a wet blanket. I think that is more of a result of our personalities being so different. Yes opposites attract, but it makes it difficult to stay together!!! I guess I am just looking for some feedback. It makes me deeply sad to think about ending my marriage, but it doesn't terrify me the way it did a year or so ago (which I guess means that I have become more accepting of the idea???)

Thanks for your help.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi CCG, I gotta tell you I have lived the comment you made about opposites attract and at the beginning, that may OK while things are mysterious and new - but! You have to have some commonality or things get stale after a while. My W and I had the same issues. We are so different with respect to how we want to live that she felt (although I don't agree with her) that she had to change her life to conform to mine. To that, I hold up the wine glass and say - BS!!!! I dedicated myself to this marriage and sacrificed a lot for her as well. Over the years, I looked at our marriage as comprimise on both of our parts, she looked at it as comprimise on her part only. And by comprimise, I mean just that not that we both gave all of our dreams away to comprimise but some, yes. I never EVER kept her from doing whatever she wanted. I never said no to her wanting to buy things, going out with her friends, I never held her back on any of that - she just wanted more from me. You probably feel the same right now. I could not give her more of my time, and because of that affection started to dwindle (but from her as well) - personally, I think we both overworked. I wish I could go back and change that, it was a HUGE mistake (on both our parts - she works at the same company I do) to take work over spending more quality time together. Work cut into my health, my personal life, and my emotional life. I/we made some huge mistakes. Everything got stale, we lost each other and she became distant. I am greiving for my marriage and I honestly do hope that she finds that special person who will fulfill her emotional needs more than I did in the past several years - although, as I said before, I was a kind, loving and wonderful person to her for 36 years. I have learned from this and I go full circle on your comment - opposites attract, but without common interests, you or both of you will struggle at some point.


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## anguished (May 24, 2011)

I understand your situation so much - it is almost identical to mine. I love my H - but as a friend, nothing more. We married as best friends..but with totally different interests and ideas. He is a wonderful guy, great father..yadda yadda...but I too have been a great mother, etc. We always put the kids first. I swore that I would leave when my son moved out...well that was about 5 years ago - and I am still here...miserable every single day, gaining weight and seeing a therapist. He knows how I feel and just says "you know where the door is"..nice, huh? I know he is hurt..and I am the "bad guy". But I am not and never was physically attracted to him that way. I have really tried...wanted to be....life would be wonderful then. We dont like the same tv shows...we wont watch it together. we dont share anything in common - yet out of the blue.."honey, wanna fool around"? Yuck...no thanks. It is like having relations with an acquaintance - no romance at all..no talking..nothing. I am terrified of the big D - and how I will survive on my own...scary thought. But I cannot go like this...I am wasting away in depression and just dont care anymore.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

anguished, you sound like where my wife was. If you need to do that for you, go ahead and do it. If you do not see any hope of turning your relationship around, you have to move on. Be warned though, my wife said she had expected it to be hard and she says she thought about all the angles this disaster could bring but she told me last week that she never expected to go the way it went. She said she wished she could go back to before she asked for the D. I am not trying to scare you, I am merely trying to let you know that you need to be prepared to have a lot of people REALLY REALLY upset and disappointed in you for ending it. If you are mentally prepared to be strong you can get through it although it will be painful. It will pass though, but the beginning will be terrible.


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