# My BF does not want to get married



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 10 years. We met in college and have been together ever since. I just turned 30 and he is a couple of years older than me. From the day we started going out, I knew I wanted to be with this person forever. 

We put off marriage for so long, first we were students, then young professionals, then we both went back to school. Now we have been in our good jobs for almost 3 years and are talking about buying a house together. So I thought "ok here we go finally we can get married". A couple of months ago we were talking about our finances and our dreams, and I mentioned that I wanted to get married within a year or two. My boyfriend's reaction was "so soon?" (he was not being sarcastic)

I was so crushed!! I want to cry everytime I think about it. What's wrong with me? He shows all the signs (and talks the talk) about loving me and wanting to be with me forever but yet he doesn't want/is not ready (after 10 years) to take that final commitment step? I have tried to have a serious discussion about it with him since then and he always brushes it off and tries to change the topic. (it's not about the ceremony and all the hype and money, I would elope tomorrow if he asked and he knows it)

Other than that, we have a very good relationship and good intimacy. We share some common interests, and have good jobs, good friends, good family and good health. I should be so happy and yet every time I think about it I want to cry. 

I am not the sort to give him an ultimatum but at the same time if he doesn't see a future then, as much as it hurts, I would rather that he walk away than leave me dangling forever. If he is not sure after so long, I have a feeling he never will be. I don't know what to do next, I don't want to be unhappy (unsure) like this for much longer. I would be really grateful for any advice or opinions.

Sorry for the rambling post! It feels so good to get this off my chest!!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hmm.. if your relationship is as good as you say, sit him down one night and talk it out. You will never learn by guessing. Just ask.. then whatever the problem may be, either you can overcome it together or at least you will have answers!

Good luck! 

:smthumbup:


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Hi Snix: It is difficult for some reason to have a serious heart to heart talk about marriage with him. For the last couple of years, we have talked about marriage a lot and surprisingly it is almost always initiated by him but it is not serious talk. For some reason, he engages me in these fantasies, like telling me who he would have in his wedding party or where his stag would be. This is why it is so confusing to me and why I was so disappointed when he said a couple of months ago that he is not looking to get married any time soon. I tried to have a serious talk about it with him since then and tell him that marriage is important to me. He just said that getting married right now is not important to him. I guess I am not sure how to really get through to him and get him to open up.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Hi Hunt: You are so right! I didn't even notice it when I wrote it but it is true that I look for him to make the move. I am the passive one in the relationship, I don't like to cause drama or rock the boat and I just wait for him to make moves. I always knew that of course but your post really makes it sink in for me. Thank you!! After I have the serious discussion with him (if I am successful at getting him to open up) or if we can't come to terms, *I * will have to make a decision and grow a backbone. I have to tell you I am not looking forward to it one bit but you are right, I will just keep getting more and more miserable if I don't do it.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Everyone has a "cut-off" point for how long they will wait, and similarly, everyone has a certain point they have to reach before they feel truly ready for the commitment of marriage. If you and your boyfriend don't overlap, you could have the perfect relationship but your timing is completely off. I think that figuring out your cut-off point would really help you, because I'm guessing you want to get married and have kids soon--even if it's not with your current boyfriend, you might want those things as part of your life and you deserve the chance.


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## Natalia (Aug 6, 2010)

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been with the same guy for 13 years and we have a child together. He says that same thing your boyfriend says. Talks about wanting to get married and the right time this... the right time that. When is there a right time? He graduated from college already and I recently went back to school but am still working so it's not money. He says that he wants to give me a nice ring and wedding but i don't care about any of that either. I am beginning to think it is just an excuse and that he really just doesn't want to do it. It doesn't make it any easier watching everyone around us (friends & family) getting married, my sister and her boyfriend are talking about it, and even our 8 year old is asking why we are not married. Even OUR parents are wondering. And don' t worry you are not rambling...you got to vent somewhere! lol. I really wish I had advice and words to help you out but I can tell you that you are not alone.


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