# Hope someone is awake - feeling desperate



## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

Hi I haven't been on here for years since I found out about my husband's infidelity, but tonight I have had the worst night and need some advice. This is what has happened. My adult daughter has PTSD based around men, my youngest (but also adult) is experiencing real stress due to 3rd yr uni, death of a friend by suicide, and coping with sister's PTSD. Today is my youngests birthday, and she had gone to the pub with friends. My husband went later (univited) and got drunk. He came home and instead of coming to the front door came and banged on the window of the room (and roared) where me and my daughter with PTSD were sat in. This caused a massive panic attack for my daughter. I had to pick up my youngest so made my husband promise he wouldn't go in the room where my daughter was no matter what (at her request), but of course as soon as I was out he did, causing further issues. He then set off to meet my daughter on our land locally with her friends, which she had by now invited him to. I drove my youngest and friends up there, but on the way saw my husband walking up hand in hand with a woman. I dismissed it as didn't want to upset my youngest on her birthday but when I turned around the car and drove back down they were still walking hand in hand and stopped for a hug. My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Everyone has friends...your daughter, your husband, your son. What about you? You need someone to share your load with. It sounds like you've become so centered on your family you've forgotten about yourself. Sharing your issues anonymously, here, is like keeping a journal. It can be a very important step towards recovery. But it doesn't replace someone you can talk with, someone who knows you. There is a power in sharing your story with someone openly. Instant feedback. A hug, or maybe a different way of looking at things.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

louise said:


> Hi I haven't been on here for years since I found out about my husband's infidelity, but tonight I have had the worst night and need some advice. This is what has happened. My adult daughter has PTSD based around men, my youngest (but also adult) is experiencing real stress due to 3rd yr uni, death of a friend by suicide, and coping with sister's PTSD. Today is my youngests birthday, and she had gone to the pub with friends. My husband went later (univited) and got drunk. He came home and instead of coming to the front door came and banged on the window of the room (and roared) where me and my daughter with PTSD were sat in. This caused a massive panic attack for my daughter. I had to pick up my youngest so made my husband promise he wouldn't go in the room where my daughter was no matter what (at her request), but of course as soon as I was out he did, causing further issues. He then set off to meet my daughter on our land locally with her friends, which she had by now invited him to. I drove my youngest and friends up there, but on the way saw my husband walking up hand in hand with a woman. I dismissed it as didn't want to upset my youngest on her birthday but when I turned around the car and drove back down they were still walking hand in hand and stopped for a hug. My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?


My advice is to divorce you crappy husband. I'm sorry this is happening but if someone abuses you over and over at some point you have to admit you are letting them. Why do you think you are willing to take so little? I would start with that.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

louise said:


> Hi I haven't been on here for years since I found out about my husband's infidelity, but tonight I have had the worst night and need some advice. This is what has happened. My adult daughter has PTSD based around men, my youngest (but also adult) is experiencing real stress due to 3rd yr uni, death of a friend by suicide, and coping with sister's PTSD. Today is my youngests birthday, and she had gone to the pub with friends. My husband went later (univited) and got drunk. He came home and instead of coming to the front door came and banged on the window of the room (and roared) where me and my daughter with PTSD were sat in. This caused a massive panic attack for my daughter. I had to pick up my youngest so made my husband promise he wouldn't go in the room where my daughter was no matter what (at her request), but of course as soon as I was out he did, causing further issues. He then set off to meet my daughter on our land locally with her friends, which she had by now invited him to. I drove my youngest and friends up there, but on the way saw my husband walking up hand in hand with a woman. I dismissed it as didn't want to upset my youngest on her birthday but when I turned around the car and drove back down they were still walking hand in hand and stopped for a hug. My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?


Your husband sounds like a royal douche. He has a drinking problem, a cheating problem, and a problem with not giving two craps about his children. Why did you not call the police on him? I am assuming that public intoxication is not legal in the UK, right?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I think you and your children will be so much better off without him. He sounds like a trigger for you all and that's not healthy. Being with him longer will cause more damage the longer you stay sadly 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

This is what excessive consumption of alcohol does to you... give him an ultimatum: get sober or you will divorce him.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If he is setting off panic attacks in your daughter with his behavior she would most likely be better off without him. And it might do her a world of good to see her Mom stand up to a guy like him. Imagine the example you could show her of a women taking back her power.

_hugs_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

louise said:


> My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?


Yep, sounds like in order to continue to "save your marriage" and live with this bastard, you're willing to sacrifice your kids. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. Plenty of women do it; even to include staying with a pervert that molest their kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

louise said:


> Hi I haven't been on here for years since I found out about my husband's infidelity, but tonight I have had the worst night and need some advice. This is what has happened. My adult daughter has PTSD based around men, my youngest (but also adult) is experiencing real stress due to 3rd yr uni, death of a friend by suicide, and coping with sister's PTSD. Today is my youngests birthday, and she had gone to the pub with friends. My husband went later (univited) and got drunk. He came home and instead of coming to the front door came and banged on the window of the room (and roared) where me and my daughter with PTSD were sat in. This caused a massive panic attack for my daughter. I had to pick up my youngest so made my husband promise he wouldn't go in the room where my daughter was no matter what (at her request), but of course as soon as I was out he did, causing further issues. He then set off to meet my daughter on our land locally with her friends, which she had by now invited him to. I drove my youngest and friends up there, but on the way saw my husband walking up hand in hand with a woman. I dismissed it as didn't want to upset my youngest on her birthday but when I turned around the car and drove back down they were still walking hand in hand and stopped for a hug. My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?





louise said:


> Hi I haven't been on here for years since I found out about my husband's infidelity, but tonight I have had the worst night and need some advice. This is what has happened. My adult daughter has PTSD based around men, my youngest (but also adult) is experiencing real stress due to 3rd yr uni, death of a friend by suicide, and coping with sister's PTSD. Today is my youngests birthday, and she had gone to the pub with friends. My husband went later (univited) and got drunk. He came home and instead of coming to the front door came and banged on the window of the room (and roared) where me and my daughter with PTSD were sat in. This caused a massive panic attack for my daughter. I had to pick up my youngest so made my husband promise he wouldn't go in the room where my daughter was no matter what (at her request), but of course as soon as I was out he did, causing further issues. He then set off to meet my daughter on our land locally with her friends, which she had by now invited him to. I drove my youngest and friends up there, but on the way saw my husband walking up hand in hand with a woman. I dismissed it as didn't want to upset my youngest on her birthday but when I turned around the car and drove back down they were still walking hand in hand and stopped for a hug. My youngest was very upset and told her dad he was setting the bar too low for what she expected in men. He says he was just drunk and the woman was upset. He has stayed out and I have come home to make sure middle daughter is OK. He has made everyone cry tonight. I feel like I can't trust him. I feel surprisingly numb and as though this was inevitable. I feel like i should leave him. I also don't want to disrupt my daughter's recovery from PTSD with this. Any advice?


You H has no respect for you nor your kids. He is a despicable man. Why are you still with him? He’s already cheated on you, probably cheating again, terrorising your daughter ( his daughter?). is he a drinker, sounds like he is with no respect nor self respect. Get rid of him.


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

For fairness sake I just need to say the other side of him, which is the prevalent one, is an extremely kind person who would do anything for anyone, especially his adult kids. We've had a great relationship since the affair years ago. Having said that if he drinks it's a bender, and he becomes a twat, and when he's a twat, he's an epic twat. I know it's not ok, and I can't trust him. There's not much point talking to him as it's all been said before and obviously he hasn't understood. He's on the spectrum. I weirdly feel nothing this morning whereas I was devastated last time, it's like losing your sense of smell but emotionally. Got so much on with my kids right now that I need to prioritize them and I think that's why my brain won't go there. Also he has a ct scan booked today which he is worried about so I'd rather stay calm and kind. This time I am going to sit with it and make a calm decision when I am ready, have looked at my options this morning which has helped. Thanks so much for listening everyone, it was just what I needed last night xxx


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

Casual Observer said:


> Everyone has friends...your daughter, your husband, your son. What about you? You need someone to share your load with. It sounds like you've become so centered on your family you've forgotten about yourself. Sharing your issues anonymously, here, is like keeping a journal. It can be a very important step towards recovery. But it doesn't replace someone you can talk with, someone who knows you. There is a power in sharing your story with someone openly. Instant feedback. A hug, or maybe a different way of looking at things.


Hi that was good advice. I don't usually share problems because I don't like burdening friends, especially now when everyone seems to have so many problems. Anyway I rang this morning to talk to a friend and she said she was really glad I had because apparently if asked I always say I'm fine, but do lots fooothers.we made a plan ( she's a psychiatrist so that helps!) I feel a bit stronger


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

sokillme said:


> My advice is to divorce you crappy husband. I'm sorry this is happening but if someone abuses you over and over at some point you have to admit you are letting them. Why do you think you are willing to take so little? I would start with that.


I agree I have to take some responsibility here, trying to gather my power!! Xx


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

Rushwater said:


> Your husband sounds like a royal douche. He has a drinking problem, a cheating problem, and a problem with not giving two craps about his children. Why did you not call the police on him? I am assuming that public intoxication is not legal in the UK, right?


Illegal but very common! I didn't want extra drama, I'm very private and drama averse. 


notmyjamie said:


> If he is setting off panic attacks in your daughter with his behavior she would most likely be better off without him. And it might do her a world of good to see her Mom stand up to a guy like him. Imagine the example you could show her of a women taking back her power.
> 
> _hugs_


It's not that simple, honestly 99.9 percent of the time he is a great dad. He found and paid for a therapist for her even though we are skint as nhs waiting lists too long, learnt about PTSD (though clearly forgot when drunk), driving hundreds of miles round trip for her to emptyher flat as she can't face it etc. She loves him to bits x I know it sounds like I am making excuses but we are all so close now, it's difficult


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

VladDracul said:


> Yep, sounds like in order to continue to "save your marriage" and live with this bastard, you're willing to sacrifice your kids. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. Plenty of women do it; even to include staying with a pervert that molest their kids.


My kids always come first, that is why when there are problems they always come home. They say they feel safe and loved and accepted for who they are here.


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## louise (Jul 29, 2008)

aine said:


> You H has no respect for you nor your kids. He is a despicable man. Why are you still with him? He’s already cheated on you, probably cheating again, terrorising your daughter ( his daughter?). is he a drinker, sounds like he is with no respect nor self respect. Get rid of him.


If he is cheating he's definitely gone. I am just so sad after 25 years, and the last few have been great til last night, but I do know if I have any self respect or want to set example for my daughter's I have to leave


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

louise said:


> Illegal but very common! I didn't want extra drama, I'm very private and drama averse.
> 
> It's not that simple, honestly 99.9 percent of the time he is a great dad. He found and paid for a therapist for her even though we are skint as nhs waiting lists too long, learnt about PTSD (though clearly forgot when drunk), driving hundreds of miles round trip for her to emptyher flat as she can't face it etc. She loves him to bits x I know it sounds like I am making excuses but we are all so close now, it's difficult


Would he agree to stop the drink?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, I don't want to further panic you, but at least one of your daughter's isn't comfortable with him. Have you asked them all to make sure he hasn't been inappropriate with any of them. I mean, why is he coming to the window? I would want to rule out any sexual behavior with your daughters. He doesn't seem to have any boundaries, so I'm worried about that. If you left him and he had joint custody, you need to know he can be trusted. If you don't leave him, you still need to know he can be trusted. I would be logging his behavior. Put dates and times and what he did that raised questions. Because you might need it sometime. If he is coming around doing other inappropriate things (like holding hands with this woman, whatever that was about, in front of the daughters) or being drunk or stoned in front of them, you may need to get child protective services involved because they would require steps from him to control his behavior. Of course, it could backfire if you've been letting it go on and it's within your control, but if you are the reporter, then that works in your favor.


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