# What to do?...What to do?



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

OK- I have a few old threads, but a new issue I need advice on.

Flyby Overview-
Married 10 yrs
suspected affair in 09
I am complete idiot
Found this site 12/11
VAR in car 1/12
DDAY 2/1/12
LTA- 3 yrs- took place when they travelled together for work
OM colleague- left company 4/11
WW left company 4/12
3 Kids all under 12

Since Dday- in councelling, things have gone farily well. I have found no evidence of NC broken. Which honestly scares me a bit. 3 yr affair and they never talk once after I bust them??

She says it's b/c she wanted out. But she was also planning on D me, prior to DDAY. I have exposed to some friends and both families, immediately.

Her new job does not require much travel, but a trip here/ there. We have strict rules she follows.

She seems remorseful and has tried to help. But as you all know I still have doubts, as I should. 

Here's where I need advice-
We made love tuesday morning. she immediately took a shower before going to MC. That evening she took a flight out. Not to a city she had rendevous before, but he travels for work. She arrived late, around 11pm and called me per rules. we chatted.
She had early meeting (so I am told) - FTR I do know she has a client there so I presume mtg was legit. She caught late afternoon flight home.

Upon arrival, she acted slightly weird, but nothing like before. Took a bath - she usually does in the evening to relax. 

This am her panties aren't on top of the dirty laundy pile. I am curious. I search through it and find them- I think. I think they are the ones, but I cannot be positive. They appear to have stains. I sequester them.

I called about testing- it is $200 to have a PSA test. They can tell you how long ago the sex was prior to the secretion as well as test for male fluid. But the guy said I we had relations within a few days it could be mine. To DNA test it's another $600.

I can't be sure the panties are from Wednesday (the day she was away and came home), but it is likely.

Otherwise she has been acting well, I mean working towards R and doing the things I ask. She is cool with transperency etc.

I don't know, I may be being overly suspicious. $800 is a lot of coin if I am wrong -and it could be from me.

What to do??


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

slater said:


> Upon arrival, she acted slightly weird, but nothing like before. Took a bath - she usually does in the evening to relax.
> 
> This am her panties aren't on top of the dirty laundy pile. I am curious. I search through it and find them- I think. I think they are the ones, but I cannot be positive. They appear to have stains. I sequester them.


It's a lot of dough. Plus they may not be the "right pair." Maybe that pair didn't make the trip home. I'd say blow off the test and restart heavy intel ops.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

slater said:


> OK- I have a few old threads, but a new issue I need advice on.
> 
> Flyby Overview-
> Married 10 yrs
> ...


Get it done. no amount of money is worth peace of mind.

Also while all this is going on, speak to her. Tell her that you think her behavior has been off. Ask what has happened on her trip. See her reactions and then report back.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the money and do the dna test, then you'll know.

You could try finding a cheaper lab.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Order your infidelity DNA test from the industry leaders


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Order your infidelity DNA test from the industry leaders


That's who I called. He said the take home test for sure will be positive b/c she and I were together recently.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Times like these Im glad I never got a chance to truly attempt reconciliation. 

My god man, I'm sorry.

I wonder how your love for her can survive these conditions, and for how long. 

So fuxing sad and chitty your trapped in this reality.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

That depends whether $800 is more important then peace of mind.

Also I suggest you stop focusing on one OM and since she travels there could be a new OM on every trip she has.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

keko said:


> That depends whether $800 is more important then peace of mind.
> 
> Also I suggest you stop focusing on one OM and since she travels there could be a new OM on every trip she has.


This thought has not escaped me.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Why is she still traveling at all?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Times like these Im glad I never got a chance to truly attempt reconciliation.


:iagree:

(Although there are days when I feel differently.)

ETA: Dammit, I've been hovering around 1200 posts for the last month - it's starting to feel like the four minute mile - I keep getting close but every day I lose some posts.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

this is exactly why i wouldn't consider R. the doubt that stays with you for the rest of the marriage sounds like slow death.

no way i'd torture myself like that.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

slater, I would not spend the money unless you can afford it. I would save my money and spend it when you need it.

Let's say she did run into the OM (or someone else)...let's say they did have sexual contact...not to put too fine a point on it, but there's lots of things that could have been done that wouldn't have left any CSI-quality evidence.

If you knew they were the panties from that trip, that would be one thing, but you don't. You aren't even sure that the secretions staining the panties are semen (mucus from around ovulation can mimic it, for example).

Plus, what happens if: you spend the $800, it's your DNA, it all checks out, but little did you know it wasn't the right pair of panties? Now you've bought some expensive, but false, peace of mind.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Does she have another trip coming up soon?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What methods do you monitor NC with?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Next time she goes on a trip, Get the full info on where she goes and what she is doing and have a PI follow her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Pick-up a test called Check Mate. It is relatively cheap and will tell you via a simple at home test if the stain is semen (you don't know for sure if it is).

If it is semen then you could order a Paternity test kit on line (cost about $200). They are fairly accurate (not 100%). Send a swab from the panties and a swab from one of your kids. If it comes back not a match then you might have to invest in a DNA test of your DNA and the DNA on the panties. To be absolutely sure.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

keko said:


> Does she have another trip coming up soon?


Not that I am aware of- but they come up. Probably after year end.



SadandAngry said:


> What methods do you monitor NC with?


Online phone records- a few others. Nothing she couldn't circumvent if she tried realy. No keylogger as she uses a work laptop.



AlphaHalf said:


> Next time she goes on a trip, Get the full info on where she goes and what she is doing and have a PI follow her.


I always know her travel details- part of the rules. PI out of state seems expensive. If my spidey sense was reallly going crazy I would consider.



TDSC60 said:


> Pick-up a test called Check Mate. It is relatively cheap and will tell you via a simple at home test if the stain is semen (you don't know for sure if it is).
> 
> If it is semen then you could order a Paternity test kit on line (cost about $200). They are fairly accurate (not 100%). Send a swab from the panties and a swab from one of your kids. If it comes back not a match then you might have to invest in a DNA test of your DNA and the DNA on the panties. To be absolutely sure.


Yeah- those cheap tests are easy to get false positives. Plus, we had been together recently, so most likely it would be positive for me at least. I can moniter this better next time (No fun from me around trip time!) But that was my original thought, until speaking with the expert.

Right now I am leaning towards holding off. I am keeping a close eye and have bagged the evidence to preserve it.


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