# Holding out Hope



## LEDWA1982

Hi All, 
Well I am posting here because this group definitely seems more positive, and I am in desperate need of positivity and advice 

So I have only posted a few times but in short: I am 28 and my husband is 37 yrs old, we have been married for 1.5 yrs, separated for 7 weeks. Overall I feel it is safe to say that we are separated because of relatively small things that snow balled. There was no infidelity or big lies that brought us to this point. 

I am the one that initiated the separation because we were ripping into each other again. It was always my intention to use this time to work on things, and had suggested time apart before. He on the other hand, says he wants a divorce because his heart is just not into it anymore and that he did not feel loved. We have learned that we have different love languages. So while I was thinking WTH, I take care of you daily-do everything for you-of course I love you because I am not as verbal or touchy feely as he is then he has convinced himself that I do not love him. But just a few weeks prior, we had talked and committed to IC and MC. His attitude just changed. Yet his other actions do not suggest that (wanting to continue paying my part of the bills, offering to do other things as well) nor has he filled papers. A divorce would be relatively easy for us, did not share much asset/debt, and there is only a 60 day waiting period. If that is truly what he wanted we would be almost done by now and money is not an issue.

This is what is so confusing. Reading this blog and other resources suggest that when people really are done...they try to get it over ASAP. He has not, so for weeks now I have held on to hope that we could work things out. Read the Save My Marriage newsletters, Magic of Making Up, and been to IC. Only spoke to him on needs to basis to give him time alone. And when we did talk the past few times via text it was relatively nice...wishing well etc. Family that spoke to him over this period have also gotten the impression that he wants to work on things but is just confused and listening to his friends' negativity.

Well this weekend I gave in to temptation and checked the cell phone bill. I found out he has been communicating with this girl multiple times (2+ hr long) at inappropriate times (early AM, which I know this could mean nothing or could mean every thing). Did a little FB raid and found out that this chick friended him in August. Possibly explaining his attitude change. I asked him about it and he said the usual, but it was really out of his character. With this new info. I just do not know if I can trust him any more. There was already a bit of a problem with him constantly putting his friends/family in our business. To top it off turns out he has been having "I am Free and Single" parties with his friends this whole time...of course posting everything to FB.

So I really just do not know. Part of me says to hell with it. But then there is the part of me that truly believes in the sanctity of marriage and can not resolve myself to divorce without doing all I can to try to save it first. I absolutely still love my husband and I do still believe he loves me (as he has said this to my family). This is all breaking my heart and I am lost to what I should or should not do. IC has helped some, but really the issues are really how we relate to each other, so there is only so much that can be done without his participation.

So I guess my question to yall who have reconciled is what were some of your experiences? How long were you separated? Is sitting tight and letting him make the next move, whichever move that might be, the answer? Some positive feedback would definitely be appreciated, Thanks!


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## kekel1123

Your doing the wait and see game. Coz if both of you want it and you agreed upon, as you said there's not much to consider as well, then why just do it NOW! (although i dont believe or suggest seperation nor divorce). I guess both of you are not done yet with each other. Thats has been happening to me and my wife. I am the one who wants a reconcilation, she doesnt want. I respect her for now. At first, its a seperation but now she want D. I dont know , its just for every action, there is a counter-action and all of these actions and counter actions are done due to high emotions going on at that very moment. Try to reflect, the pros and cons, and your inner feeling. And of course ask guidance from HIM. not from anyone coz its only you, your husband and GOD that knows what the best to both of you in the near future. People just give advices and we listen but at the end of the day, its the people involved that needs to decide and it should be mutually agreed upon, otherwise, it will not end as you want it to be.... im going through with what your experiencing as well for now so i can feel your pain...


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## deejov

I know this sounds harsh... but he is feeling out the new girl. If things work out... he will speak up and sign the papers. Right now he doesn't have a reason. (it's not serious with this other girl, maybe just a fling) but he's covering all his bases. Similar to finding a new girlfriend before you dump the current one. That's crappy.

when you separated, did you agree to "not" see other people? It doesn't sound like it. Or he didn't committ to that if he is having I'm single and free parties. The good part of this is you are working on yourself. That's never a waste of time. If he chooses not to grow a little personally and use the time in the same manner, you can't control that.

If he is seeing other people, do you really still want to reconcile?


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## LEDWA1982

Thanks for the replies! No there was not an agreement of what would or would not happen during the separation. I do feel that he is just getting his ego boosted with the other girl...whether that impacts me well that depends on how far he takes it. 

For those of you that have reconciled or on the road to, how long did you do the wait and see game? All the books say NC for a month before trying to talk again. I am trying to do that...but it is really hard for me because I feel like if he wants a divorce he should do it already. I do not believe in wasting time in my life, but never the less I know some patience now MIGHT work out in my favor in this situation.


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