# realizing I love what old wife was



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

A thought occurred to me today. I'm in love with a past version of my wife. Not the current one. I'm busy chasing what was, not what is. 

It still hurts, though.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

That makes sense to me. As I've mentioned before, I love and miss my wife, but not the woman who left me. They were two very different people.

I've stopped being angry with her and the situation. Still hurts, but I'm focusing on moving foward as best I can. Despite still loving her and caring about her a great deal, I realize there would be no point in getting back together. As Bandit wisely mentioned to me, she might come back physically, but always have an eye looking at the door.

That said, I'm sure I've changed as an individual, and in most ways, for the better. It is hard when two people grow apart, recognize what can be improved, yet only one is willing to make the effort. In my case, my stbxw was not. Her loss. She is losing a great guy. My gain. In time, I can look forward to a woman who appreciated me for me, and who will love me unconditionally. Definitely looking for a more emotionally mature relationship!

Time, and what I've done with the time, has helped. Hope things are going well with you, under the circumstances.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

These are the things that so many people tell me I will realize in time and should be seeing now. That she is not the person I married. 

I have alot of trouble believing it. There were times in our marriage where she dealt w/ some tough things and I was there for her unconditionally and we always made it through it. Why is this so different? Marriage is a full time job and I believe that with all of my heart. 

I know she has cashed out but telling myself she is a different person just doesn't do it for me. Kudos to you guys for figuring it out but I just don't feel it.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm still feeling it... still a process. Hope you get there too. It's a better place in many ways, despite not being out of the woods yet.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jayb said:


> A thought occurred to me today. I'm in love with a past version of my wife. Not the current one. I'm busy chasing what was, not what is.
> 
> It still hurts, though.



*I feel the very same way. I've seen my STBXW only on 5 occasions since last May. And she is definitely not the same loving woman that I had married. Another hurtful thing is just looking at her and seeing how she's aging so gracefully and looks like the doting grandmotherly type of woman that I always dreamed to see and to be around. Yes, there's a soft spot in my heart for her, but I've come to grips with the realization that I'll never again be a part of her life or her a part of mine.

And obviously, it's greatly for the better!

Instead of love, commitment, and vows, her primary interests are now abandonment and money!*


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sd212 said:


> These are the things that so many people tell me I will realize in time and should be seeing now. That she is not the person I married.
> 
> I have alot of trouble believing it. There were times in our marriage where she dealt w/ some tough things and I was there for her unconditionally and we always made it through it. Why is this so different? Marriage is a full time job and I believe that with all of my heart.
> 
> I know she has cashed out but telling myself she is a different person just doesn't do it for me. Kudos to you guys for figuring it out but I just don't feel it.


Me either... well I don't like who he is at this moment... (20 months) but I know he is in crisis and that it's not who he really is just the circumstance he has created. If he finds his sanity I know he will be a changed person but after 3 decades I'd be okay w/ some change (if it were for the better of course). I have been finding more and more independence and feel good about it... I think he'd like my changes.


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