# My husbands friend is a sociopath. What should I do?



## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

I guess it's best if I start from the beginning. Before my husband and I even started dating I told him what I was diagnosed with at the time, which was severe reoccurring major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD. I also told him that it would be quite likely that I would die by my own hand. He decided that he wanted to date me anyway. 

We ended up getting married on my now husbands mid tour leave. 

When my husband came back from Iraq and was discharged he was diagnosed with PTSD by the VA. I was the only one who stuck by him while he was having a tough time in the military. All of his friends abandoned him.

I was then diagnosed with Bipolar II instead of severe reoccurring major depression.

After we had been married for about a year and a half he had an affair for four months until I found out about it. Something the friend in question attributes to a slip of the mind and refuses to admit that my husband is responsible for what he did. My husband and I decided to work it out. 

At this point I developed problems with depersonalization. 

About 2 weeks ago my husband sent me quite a few text messages about a surprise for me that he told me I would enjoy. (I hate surprises, I put up with them because my husband likes surprising me. He knows I don't like surprises.)

Well he told me what we were doing and it ended up being something I'd rather saw off my left foot than do. It also ended up being something that would of put me in a situation surrounded by at least two things that trigger high anxiety levels for me. So I stayed home and he went out with his friends,one of them being the friend in question, to a crowded restaurant. 

While they were there I sent my husband a text message saying that I felt like he didn't know anything about me. The friend in question texted me and told me that if I wasn't going to tell him what was wrong I needed to shut up. I kept a screen shot of the message that I sent my husband because the friend in question has a habit of telling people that I send my husband abusive text messages. So I keep screen shots of everything that friend could possibly be offended by to cover my butt. 

Well last week they all planned to get together at one of my favorite restaurants. So I discussed with my husband how hard this was going to be and that I would need support from him. 

They decided to meet up at one of the busiest restaurants in the city in which we live on a Friday, at 6:30 (the estimated wait was 2.5-3 hours). Who was in charge of these logistics? Probably the friend in question, because we always do what he wants, but more on that later.

The waiting room was so packed that I could not be there. So I waited outside in the middle of the city by myself for about 30 minutes until my husband came out and told me that there was more room in the restaurant. The guys out there smoking yelled at him for leaving me out in the cold by myself. 

I went inside and sat on the opposite side of the waiting room because that was the only place where there were seats. I sat alone for a half an hour until my husband came over to me and told me that there were seats over where they were sitting. 

I sat there and no one talked to me until my husband came over and asked me how I was doing and I told him I was mad at him for ignoring me, so he turned his back on me and started talking to his friends. 

I sat there for a while and then I decided I was going to leave the restaurant and just take the bus home, because I was very anxious and was about to start bawling. So I left the restaurant and tried to find some money for the bus. Apparently my husband wanted to come after me but the friend in question told him not to and the friend in question came after me. 

Well he said he'd take me home, but he had to tell everyone where I was going. In the car he asked why I didn't tell John anything was wrong. I told him I did and he said that it was my fault I didn't get through to him. I said, " I tried God **** it!" and now he's telling people that I yelled at him the whole 30 minute car ride. When in fact after that I did not say a word.

During the car ride back to the place I was staying I realized that I was not doing well and needed to go to a place where I could be stabilized. So I sent him a text message telling him what I needed and he took me there.

Now I cannot personally account for what happened on my husband and the friend in questions car ride home but this is the story according to what my husband told me. The friend in question told my husband I am poisonous and immature and that he needed to cut his losses and divorce me. My husband told him that he still wanted to work things out. Even after that he continued to tell him to divorce me and send him text messages of people he could contact to help him get a divorce. I have seen the text messages that he sent. My husband told him again that he did not want to divorce me and he finally said that he respected my husbands choice. Though obviously more of a power play than truth, because he continued to pester my husband after my husband made his intentions clear. 

My husband says that he wants to stay with me, but I can't imagine how long we will last considering his best friend is a diagnosed sociopath and he wants us to get divorced. He always gets what he wants, and there's no arguing with him. Whenever he thinks he's right, even if he's obviously wrong, there is no convincing him otherwise. Ruining peoples that he doesn't like lives is a hobby of him and he admits it. 

What's strange is that I had no idea that he was mad at me. He was friendly towards me. He even told me he considered me part of his chosen family. I feel that he must have been holding how he really felt about me back for a while, which is funny because he always criticizes me in front of everyone for not talking about my feelings enough.

Yesterday, my husband and I played D&D with the friend in question, his girlfriend, and some other people. When my husband asked if I could come the friend in question said to my husband that I could could come as long as I don't cause drama. Which is funny coming from a boy who wanted his friend to get divorced because his wife had an anxiety problem. 

He's very good at reading people, but he cannot read me at all. According to his girlfriend he since he can't ever tell if I'm lying he assumes every word I say is a lie. This gets on his nerves quite a bit, but I figured he would get over it after a while, because trust isn't about affirming something you already know.

Last month I had tickets to a variety show at a local theater and my husband invited him and I invited one of my friends. I wanted to get there as soon as seating started because you're seated first come first serve. Well we went to go pick him up and he said that he didn't want to go down there that soon and that first come first serve wasn't how the seating worked. He also didn't want to eat the theater like my friend, my husband, and I had planned. So we ended up being the last to the theater thus getting the worst seats and we had fast food for dinner. 

One time when I was at his girlfriends apartment he went off. His girlfriend and I had to leave her apartment. She told me that he let us leave and that he could have possibly killed us. This is something my husband, in all his years of knowing him, has never been told about until recently, by me of course. Funny that so much deception is coming from someone who constantly wants me to air my dirty laundry in front of everyone. 


Anyway, I have not asked my husband to stop seeing his friend partially because it would give his friend the upper hand, and in a way I hate to see them not be friends because they've know each other since middle school. I fear the relationship is poison. It would be one thing if he wasn't a sociopath, but it's a whole new game when you're fighting a war you can't win.

TL;DR
My husband's best friend is a sociopath who enjoys ruining peoples lives. I fear I am his next victim and I don't know what to do.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Get rid of the sociopath/toxic friend. Only way you will find peace and a more stable marriage.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

do you and your husband have options for moving from your current location to a different city? Or is your husband still in the military and perhaps will be transferred? 
A move would separate you two from his friend.
If a move is not possible then you have to come to some understanding with your husband on how much this friend of his will be part of your lives. Might this finally come down to a decision for your husband between you or his friend?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

For starters, it sounds like you should be taking *phenelzine*. It's an extremely powerful drug that has shown positive results for treating PTSD, social anxiety, and major depression. You need to ask for it by name. Doctors don't like suggesting it because it has so many serious drug interactions. It's serious enough that people taking it need to wear a bracelet saying they are taking it.

Secondly, start making up your own lies. After spending time with the psycho, mention to your husband that he looks you up and down every once in a while and he gets a little too close.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

Maneo said:


> do you and your husband have options for moving from your current location to a different city? Or is your husband still in the military and perhaps will be transferred?
> A move would separate you two from his friend.
> If a move is not possible then you have to come to some understanding with your husband on how much this friend of his will be part of your lives. Might this finally come down to a decision for your husband between you or his friend?


My husband has been out of the military for about a year. We are living with his parents since we have had financial problems. Now that my husband finally has a job where he makes enough money for us to afford a place to stay we will be moving into our own place soon. Unfortunately we will have to stay in and around this city, but we should be able to get at least about a half an hour away from where this friend lives. 

Eventually we do plan on moving out of state and I am encouraging my husband to look for jobs within the company that are out of state. Luckily my husband's friend thinks where he lives is the best place on earth and would only move one state over in any direction. So it is unlikely that he will follow us.

They currently see each other at least 5 hours a week every week without fail. They also play video games together online. I would say the least amount of time they spend together in person per month is 30 hours. I'm not really sure what would be a fair amount of time together would be. I would prefer that they didn't hang out at all, but I'm afraid that will just push my husband away.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> For starters, it sounds like you should be taking *phenelzine*. It's an extremely powerful drug that has shown positive results for treating PTSD, social anxiety, and major depression. You need to ask for it by name. Doctors don't like suggesting it because it has so many serious drug interactions. It's serious enough that people taking it need to wear a bracelet saying they are taking it.
> 
> Secondly, start making up your own lies. After spending time with the psycho, mention to your husband that he looks you up and down every once in a while and he gets a little too close.


I will have to ask my psychiatrist about that drug. The only major difficulty is that I have to be on a mood stabilizer as well to prevent me from having a hypo-manic or possibly a manic episode. 

At this point I'm willing to try pretty much anything.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Laurelindoren said:


> * Something the friend in question attributes to a slip of the mind and refuses to admit that my husband is responsible for what he did. My husband and I decided to work it out. *
> 
> This friend has got to go - it should not matter what he thinks, but you and your husband seem to care way to much -and it sounds like you husband can't hink for himself.
> 
> ...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Trying to get him to cut off that friendship probably won't work. Instead, set some boundaries so that you and your h can limit his intrusions into your marriage and set aside time to be with your husband and be social in places where he is not around. See a marriage counselor who can help you guys with this.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Laurelindoren said:
> 
> 
> > * Something the friend in question attributes to a slip of the mind and refuses to admit that my husband is responsible for what he did. My husband and I decided to work it out. *
> ...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It sounds like you and your husband are in that transition space between single life and married life and your husband is still immature and acting more like he is single and you are just a girl friend. 
Hopefully over time you will both get other married couples as friends and he will mature a bit more into the role of adult husband.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

I have asked my husband why he lets his friend treat me like that and he won't answer me. I don't know what to do.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound like your husband is taking marriage seriously.


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