# Insecurity



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I'm curious, how secure / insecure do you feel about yourself as a lover? Are you confident you are the best your partner has ever had? Do you worry that someone else was "better" in some way? 

Outside of the bedroom, do you worry your partner "settled" for you, or do you feel that they prefer you to anyone else?

How would your partner answer these?

I see lots of discussions that seem to have an undercurrent of insecurity, but I'm wondering how common that is.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I'm curious, how secure / insecure do you feel about yourself as a lover? Are you confident you are the best your partner has ever had? Do you worry that someone else was "better" in some way?
> 
> Outside of the bedroom, do you worry your partner "settled" for you, or do you feel that they prefer you to anyone else?
> ...


I'm watching where this one goes before I respond.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Outside the bedroom, I am very confident and secure not only because she has told me about past partners, and tells me I am the best she's ever had, but I have tangible, objective measures. I am stably employed, handy around the house, do most of the cooking, my share of the domestic chores. I regularly do the romantic, thoughtful things.

Inside the bedroom, that's a bit more difficult. I am generally confident that I am by far the best lover she's every had, mainly because she's told me so. Objective measures are a bit more difficult to find because sexual satisfaction is such a subjective thing. My wife does have a colorful past and there are a few specific things that do continue to play on my insecurities.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
one reason I ask is that I don't have any insecurities of this sort. I'm almost the opposite of normal here - rationally there is no reason to believe I'm a particularly skilled lover (though I try), but for some irrational reason, I'm convinced that she wouldn't find anyone better.

Same thing applies in general life - I'm not wealthy, or athletic or by any measure a good "catch", but for some reason I'm confident she wouldn't pick anyone else over me.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

If "best lover" includes the overall experience including the love my wife has for me, then I'm sure I'm the best.

If "best lover" is all about technique and endowment, then it's unlikely that I am. She's had a colorful past and the odds are somebody did something better from a technical standpoint.

My wife tells me that I'm the best ever (and that it's not even close). Which is the right thing for her to say whether or not it's true.

Outside the bedroom, I'm confident that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her.

If I obsessed about every detail of her past experiences, I could work myself up. So, I don't do that. 

I've never asked for specifics. She knows not to volunteer any. 

As for "settling". My ex-wife was the best woman in the world to go to Las Vegas with. I suppose one could say that I "settled" for my current wife. But that seems like a stupid thing to say.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

inside the bedroom:
I think she'd say I'm either the best or right there with the best. She's not super experienced (we started dating when she was young). Definately not concerned about inside the bedroom. We're probably on the same page here. 

Outside the bedroom:
She would probably say she settled. I don't necessarily feel insecure about her settling, as I am in better physical shape than 75% of our friends/fam. I make more $ than most. I am 100% involved in coparenting etc. I think she just expected more out of a partner, which is very unrelated to my rating as successful. So probably a big disconnect here. I am very unlikely to fullfill her expectations. 

I kinda think I settled for her. I had a different impression 5,6,7 years ago, but oh well.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Outside of the bedroom, I feel very confident. I know I am a good wife and do what I can to make my husband happy. I take care of myself, my husband, the home, and our son. He has told me that he feels lucky to have me. 

Inside of the bedroom, I don't feel as confident. My husband has had partners before me, where as for me my husband was my first. I sometimes wonder if he ever compares me to them, but as time goes on I have slowly become more confident, but I'm not totally there yet. 

I don't think he settled for me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Nice thread.

My situation is a bit different because my insecurity lies somewhere else.

For sure , we all have our insecurities and in varying degrees.

I was my wife's first sexual partner, so the question of whether she has had a better lover never arose in my mind.
And even if she had other lovers before me , I don't think it would have mattered because I wouldn't have gotten married to a woman didn't consider the sex we had as the best , ever.

But I understand how some people feel because she has some sexual insecurities. I had quite a few partners before her.

So my insecurity lies on the emotional side.
Sometimes I wonder if what I'm giving her emotionally fulfills her every need. Given the fact that sometimes I'm really busy with my business and all of that.
We share some really tender moments at times , but I sometimes feel as though I not giving her all that she truly deserves , given the type of person she is and the type of wife she is to me.

Not that I think she can get that emotional fulfillment from someone else, but because she can only get it from me, makes me feel guilty if I take it for granted.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I currently don't have a partner but when I was married I felt OK about being a good lover although he would have preferred more "flavor" vs. vanilla sex and would have wanted me to initiate more.

But as I've gotten older and no longer with him, I can see it had more to do with him than me. I didn't feel 'safe' in our relationship so I didn't have the trust needed to explore in the bedroom without ridicule. I'm more comfortable now and most recent relationship was freer, initiated, etc.

As to anyone settling - I figure they are with me for a reason. During the time they are with me I assume they want to be there with me until they don't. I don't question it. 

And the only time I settled was staying too long after I married. Post-divorce dating I realized with the first boyfriend that if I stayed I'd be settling for reliable and safe but not love so I ended things. If I'm with someone they can know that I'm also there because I want to be until I'm not.

I don't worry about being "the best" although I used to. There are too many facets to a relationship. For instance, I might not be the most adventurous in bed but maybe I'm the best at oral. I might not have the best body he's ever had but maybe I'm the prettiest or have the best smile. I might not be the best house keeper but I'm more interesting to talk to. Or I don't earn as much/as educated but maybe I enjoy participating in his hobbies more than the last woman. I assume I bring more to the relationship as a "package" than the last person did.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We are completely confident that we're each other's best ever lover by far, and have a sufficient basis for comparison to know it's not wishful thinking. Neither of us is perfect, but we're about as perfect for each other as can be.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I have some body insecurities from years of being fat. I've undergone a radical physical and mental transformation that's thankfully correcting a lot of that. I'm not all the way out of the woods but I'm, thank God, getting there.

I'm not insecure as a lover. My wife and I have had incredible chemistry since we first got together over 14 years ago in college and we still have it today. I know her body very well and she knows mine. Just lightly touching each other gets us going. I hope we just get better and better at satisfying one another as the years peel on.

I know my wife is satisfied. She tells me by how often she initiates, her obvious pleasure in the midst, every orgasm, how she looks at me, how often she touches my body, and she tells me verbally.

My wife only had sex with one person before me, someone she slept with a couple times across one week, so I'm not competing with a bed full of memories. 

I have less than zero fears that I settled. Sometimes my wife, who has her own insecurity issues, thinks I did. That breaks my heart.

Relationship wise I'm not perfect. But I know that I'm this woman's soul mate and everything. I know she thinks more highly of me than I think of myself. If I ever denigrate myself she's quick to tell me to shut up and reiterate how much she adores me, how unworthy she sometimes even feels of me. We both feel that; that the other deserves better. We're a bunch of losers in love LOL!


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't worry about being "the best" although I used to. There are too many facets to a relationship. For instance, I might not be the most adventurous in bed but maybe I'm the best at oral. I might not have the best body he's ever had but maybe I'm the prettiest or have the best smile. I might not be the best house keeper but I'm more interesting to talk to. Or I don't earn as much/as educated but maybe I enjoy participating in his hobbies more than the last woman. I assume I bring more to the relationship as a "package" than the last person did.


Great points.

I view it exactly the same way. I have always felt like I did more right than wrong. I offered more good than bad. 

I am awful at doing a thorough job vacuuming or washing the dishes, but I am a extremely highly motivated worker/provider. things like that. I always felt like I was a good package as a whole. This is where our perceptions vary.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

I know that I'm not the best lover in the world, but I also know that I'm not the worst lover in the world.

So do I worry about it, not really... I just enjoy love making as it comes. I think I'm quite good but I know my opinion is also wholly irrelevant to my lovers..


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You think too much OP.

Just do your best with things you can control. 

What you think is kind of irrelevant, what you do is what matters.

There is no such a think as "completely or 100% secure"

EVERYONE has insecurities of some kind and on some scale.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> You think too much OP.
> 
> Just do your best with things you can control.
> 
> ...


I'm very insecure about being insecure.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I have no insecurities or hangups about insecurity in the sack. I know I'm not the best looking or most endowed.

However, I do know that if I've got a woman undressed and warmed up. You can be damn sure I'm going to do what I can to rock her world. I only have one focus and that's to get her off as many times as she will allow.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I'm curious, how secure / insecure do you feel about yourself as a lover? Are you confident you are the best your partner has ever had? Do you worry that someone else was "better" in some way?


 Maybe we are not qualified to answer since we have nothing to compare....only what we share...but there is confidence ...a feeling of "this is what it is meant to be"... in its completeness.. when making love...and afterwards in his arms.. 

...I am the type of woman -had I been with another in THAT way.. and he threw me away and wanted someone else...I would have been utterly devastated..(insecurities would have definitely arose ..& the deepest of regret)...."going all the way" = forever in my world.....it's giving my ALL...my heart..entrusted to another...that soul connection one dreams of....my H has always treated me like the most precious thing he has ever found.. 

This plays out in his "Making Love"... very passionate.... Could another man have given me what he has of himself.... No, I can't see it... not to his heights -no matter his skills in the sack... I will even admit I can be a hard woman to please at times....on a variety of fronts ....yet for HIM...so much is like breathing air.....he would tell me it's his JOY... 

From our beginnings...I remember telling him he was an amazing lover ..even asking "How do you know just what to do with me!?"...I always felt lost in his kisses, in each other...it was culminating...we always climaxed together too.... not every time.. but near..and to this day.. even if we were kinda vanilla for 19 yrs... I was wholly satisfied.... no intimacy could compare to the pleasure we gave each other.. 

My husband has never wanted another, this I know.. he was never one who felt " I missed my youth & should have explored other women".. 



> Outside of the bedroom, do you worry your partner "settled" for you, or do you feel that they prefer you to anyone else?
> 
> How would your partner answer these?


 We both feel strongly our love was meant to be... He's always called me his soul mate...as I have him...



> I see lots of discussions that seem to have an undercurrent of insecurity, but I'm wondering how common that is.


 I would think the more break ups one has, has been lied to, cheated on... how can it not affect someone....people are not made of stone, even if they try to build walls to protect themselves... such experiences has the power to erode our romantic & trusting perceptions of each other..


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

Lila said:


> Even though I've never been completely confident in my physical appearance (I'm by no means a troll but not a bombshell either) I have ALWAYS been secure in my sexuality and my abilities as a lover.
> 
> Sex and it's enjoyment was something that came natural to me from the start. Comparing myself to my husband's previous lovers (and there were plenty) is not something I do because it's unnecessary. I know how to please my husband sexually, and that's all there is to it.
> 
> ...


Your husband is very lucky


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