# wife says she loves me, but not attracted to me...



## marriagecanbehard (Sep 4, 2011)

First time on this forum, it is great to know there are others who need support, and have a place to share & help one another.
Long story short... my wife wife & I have been together 6 years. We have been married 18 months.
We are both 28 and very successful, I am in real estate, she is a singer/model. People tell me I am handsome/attractive. She is beautiful. Like many/all couples, we have had some issues t-out the relationship, but we do not fight that much at all. We communicate very well, are open and honest with each other [or at least I think so] We are always on the move, urbanites is what we call ourselves. 
She told me fifteen months ago that she was unhappy and didn't know if she wanted to be married to me. I was in shock, I processed the info, went to a counselor with her, went to a counselor on my own, worked very hard on my deficiencies [jealousy, attacking/accusatory behavior/comments, silent treatment, etc. ] 
Ok, that said, she says she loves me, that I am a great man, etc. She says that our relationship/marriage is great other than she does not want to have sex wtih me. She says when she is out of town she thinks about kissing me & having sex with me and it sounds nice and exciting. Then when we are in the bedroom and her or I initiate sex, the moment I make a move she is turned off and doesnt enjoy the sex at all.
I have worked extremely hard on myself this past year and have changed in many positive ways. We talked the other day and she said that our marriage/relationship is better than it has ever been. That she can tell me anything, I can tell her anything, we have gotten along so well that past 6 months. But still, she says she just isn't into me, but she really does want to be into me, she wants to be attracted to me. She says that is all that is missing. 
I have been patient, I told her that I forgive her for marrying me and then 3 months later coming out with these feelings [she obviously had this going on in her head before the wedding] I told her I was angry that she married me then told me this stuff. But that I forgive her, I am past that now, people make mistakes, I believe she is a good person and that she wants this to work. Obviously she does because she came out with all of this over a year ago, and she is still here with me. She says about 3 years ago is when she first kinda lost that attraction and the sex hasn't been good for her since [mind you in that three years we have had some wicked hot sex, no lie]
So, all that said, wtf. I dont know what to do now. I made a marital commitment to this woman that I love to love and support her thru good times & bad times. This is a bad time and the topic just so happens to be me, but still I suck it up, my ego is hurt, I am sure I have lost my swagger around her b/c it is hard to hear 'I am not attracted to you sexually but I want to be" and stay in the situation. 

Any thoughts? Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You haven't mentioned what turns her on, only what doesn't. Have you discussed this? I would have hoped, its been a while.
Attraction and sex hum, maybe it attraction and emotional connection.
Could it be she is nolonger emotional attached and some one else is meeting her need in the "that dept".

From what I read she has you as a friend but not as a lover, and its just no clear (at least to me ) if its a sex drive issue or a emotional issue.

I understand she is not attracted to you but what I don't understand is from what i gather you are improving for her not for your self??????


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## marriagecanbehard (Sep 4, 2011)

the guy said:


> You haven't mentioned what turns her on, only what doesn't. Have you discussed this? I would have hoped, its been a while.
> Attraction and sex hum, maybe it attraction and emotional connection.
> Could it be she is nolonger emotional attached and some one else is meeting her need in the "that dept".
> 
> ...


It started out as improving for her, and then I realized that I needed help in some areas I began the process of working hard on myself, on my shortcomings. That was about six months ago. And I have made leaps & bounds with the help of my counselor/therapist, my shrink, ADD.medicine & weekly meeting with my mens group. I like what I see in the mirror, im a good man.
As far as what turns her on, aggressive sex, not all sensual/romantic. Spontaneous sex, not just at night time in the bedroom. Confidence. 
You might be right with not being emotionally attached to me anymore.
She also said she won't tell me she is going to stayed married unless the attraction comes back. My therapist said that is backwards, that she needs to commit & then push thru & work on wanting to make hot sweet sexy love to me, since she loves me! Life is crazy, marriage is toug! Thx for feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Something is not what it seems, you both had wild sex back in the day, now she is unattracted to you, ok, what about the sex. At the very least it is filling a need and yet she has not met that need with you.
Face it sex is sex for her it fast rough and spontanous, you said in your own words that there is no "sensual/romance", making me believe that for her sex can just be sex attraction or not.
Whats up with that?

Have you quitly done your own investigation in to others influencing her choices? Don't ask her she will not want to hurt you, but just look into the possiblity that there is another influence that has replaced........anything that you used to provide. There my even be a toxic friend that its filling her head with thought other then working on her marrige?

There is something other then lack of attraction that is effecting the dynamics of the marriage, I suggest you rule out other influences by doing some research. Then you can address W issue when you know no one else is impacting your wifes choices other then her self.


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