# What would you do in this situation?



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

I've posted my own threads a couple of times and I feel like the regulars on here have an idea what I'm like. I'm a romantic and view sex as a sacred act between two people who are completely dedicated to each other for life. That's my take on it and I don't expect anyone else to feel as passionately as I do about it. If they do, then that's fantastic. That being said, here's my dilemma...

In looking through my wife's conversation history with her sister-in-law, I learned that in September of last year she, her sister in law, her husband went to the house of some long time friends, let's call them Jim and Candy. They drank and everyone got pretty sloshed from what I understand. During the course of this evening, Jim propositioned my wife, asking her to do a threesome with him and his wife. My wife said she was really drunk when he asked and her response to him was "I'll have to ask my husband first". She and her sister in law swear that my wife did nothing that night and has never been unfaithful to me. My wife considers Jim and Candy "swingers" and has said they have had a threesome before (at least one that she knows of) with a woman they met while on vacation. 

So my wife didn't tell me about this incident. I found out by reading her text messages with her sister-in-law, as far back as 2015. In those texts she told her sister in law that she felt guilty about what had happened that night and said she had a "deep unrealized attraction" for Jim. When I asked her why she didn't tell me of his proposition she said it's because she knew I would go crazy and either send him a message or try to pick a fight with him. And she's right. She told me she was sorry that the whole situation happened and said her response was very disrespectful of our marriage. She also said we would never go out with Jim and Candy again and that she would remove Jim from her Facebook page. And she did remove him - I watched her do it and I've been keeping track ever since to make sure he's not in her friends list. 

Now here's my problem. I am so tempted to message this guy in Facebook. I've drafted a message and this is what I would say to him:

"Hey Jim. Not sure if you remember me but it's <my name>, <my wife's name>'s husband. It came to my attention that last year in September you propositioned my wife to take part in a threesome with your wife. I don't know who the hell you think you are but that was not cool. What you did was an act of utter selfishness. That you would risk breaking up a happy marriage speaks volumes of your character and kind of man you really are. That being said, don't contact my wife any further. If you do, I'll kick your ass."

What would you do? When my wife and I talked about this she said the situation was handled, she was sorry and that it would never happen again. She asked me to drop the whole situation going forward. But I'm having a hard time doing that. Part of me wants to message Jim and ask him if sex did happen or even kissing. I also asked my wife's brother, who has known all along about this situation, what he would do. He said that my wife handled it and that he would probably leave it alone. 

Right now, things are going very well in our marriage. We had a fantastic Valentines day together and have had awesome sex many times since we talked about this whole situation. Still, I'm wanting to message Jim, but I'm worried it will cause problems in the marriage by re-opening the situation. If I message Jim, he will likely send a message to my wife either threatening me or asking her how he should respond to me. And if he does that, my wife will know I sent him a message. What would you do?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NO NO NO NO. DO NOT message Jim. Just - don't.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> NO NO NO NO. DO NOT message Jim. Just - don't.


Just curious, but why not?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you have suspicions that your wife cheated that's another issue. Do you?

I just read the first posts of the the three threads you've started and I gotta say, you sound like you are kind of obsessed with your wife and what she does in chat rooms and on facebook, and you have suspicions. Do any of your suspicions have any basis in fact, or are you just one of these paranoid freakazoid husbands??


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First things first.Are you capable of kicking Jims ass,because if you are unsure just say nothing.But on the other hand......


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CanadaDry said:


> Just curious, but why not?


Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

What if Jim comes back and says your wife did sleep with them? How will you ever know if it's the truth or if he's just being a d*ck to mess with you?

I wouldn't open this particular can of worms.

There's also a good chance that if they were really that drunk he won't even remember it happening.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.


But it would be funny to humiliate this would be player.I don't like guys like that who proposition drunk women without caring about her relationship.I would ask him in front of as many people as possible if his bravery only extends to seducing drunk women or can he back it up.
I wouldn't hurt him,I have twenty two years of practicing martial arts behind me but I might make him cry.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Seems you are channeling all your doubts, insecurity, anger with Jim and not your wife. If you believe her or things are fine obviously you are ok with it on her side. Why are you wanting to stir up Jim for? Deal with your marriage in house.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Canada please listen to hope, your wife did as you requested, she removed from facebook, you no longer engage with them. you have enough to work....on your self and on strengthening your marriage...work on being man she fell in love with....no other man will hold up against that. Do not look for problems to manifest. work on your communication between you too...and STOP SMOKING unless you want to die young and leave a beautiful widow to be picked up by Jim and Candy...then they win and you lose.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.


By freak, if you mean I'm a dedicated husband who is 100% loyal and expects the same of my wife, then I guess I am a freak. I love my wife with every fiber of my being and just want to be loved the same in return. 

I'm not jealous of her spending her time with friends and family. I don't get jealous when she goes out for a night with the girls. 

The situation that set off my paranoia about her happened New Years Eve. My wife, myself, her sister in law and her husband all went out drinking and dancing. We used Uber to get a van that would take us to our desired destinations. And guess what - Jim and Candy joined us all. After a night of drinking and dancing we returned to our hotel (we rented rooms for the night so we wouldn't have to drive back). We all went back to Jim and Candy's hotel room. Well, sis in law and her husband ended up leaving pretty quickly and didn't return. My wife laid down on the same bed that Jim and Candy were laying on and I was pretending to be passed out on the second bed in the room, but listening to them talk. My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one. Jim and Candy talked about the threesome they had with the woman while they were on vacation. At that point I got up and told the wife we were going back to our own hotel room. That whole incident made me paranoid. I never cared for Jim or Candy after that and keep in mind this was before I knew about Jim's proposition to my wife. Now I pretty much hate them.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Xenote said:


> ...and STOP SMOKING unless you want to die young and leave a beautiful widow to be picked up by Jim and Candy...then they win and you lose.


I'm on my 10th smoke-free day. I've had no cigars of any kind. Only nicotine gum.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> What would you do?


Nothing.

First of all, just because people get married doesn't mean that ALL married people practice monogamy. Some are monogamous. Some are poly...some are bi...some are 'swingers' and some men get off on watching their wives get screwed by other men, while some women have several different spouses in different states, etc. 

Certainly, you know that. Whether or not married people "should" be monogamous is irrelevant. 

It's already handled. Do nothing more except to love your wife and keep up the good work with the non-smoking campaign! :smile2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one.


If your wife is laying down on a bed with other adults known to have an alternative lifestyle, regaling them about what kind of lesbian she'd be if she was going to be a lesbian, then you can hardly fault them for approaching her about a threesome. It sounds as though she's purposely putting out a vibe to these two that she'd like to do some experimenting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Don't do it.

"If you do, I'll kick your ass." <- that's a threat. He could get a restraining order against you for that. If you did kick his ass, he could prove that it was premeditated. Not good for you.

Any communication with him will simply increase drama. He's and his wife will most likely laugh at such a message. Do you really think that someone who would proposition your wife cares what you think?

This guy and is wife are toxic. They (not he alone) propositioned your wife. She said no. You have both ended all contact with them. That's it, it's done with.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Agree with others and don't do it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CanadaDry said:


> By freak, if you mean I'm a dedicated husband who is 100% loyal and expects the same of my wife, then I guess I am a freak. I love my wife with every fiber of my being and just want to be loved the same in return.
> 
> I'm not jealous of her spending her time with friends and family. I don't get jealous when she goes out for a night with the girls.
> 
> The situation that set off my paranoia about her happened New Years Eve. My wife, myself, her sister in law and her husband all went out drinking and dancing. We used Uber to get a van that would take us to our desired destinations. And guess what - Jim and Candy joined us all. After a night of drinking and dancing we returned to our hotel (we rented rooms for the night so we wouldn't have to drive back). We all went back to Jim and Candy's hotel room. Well, sis in law and her husband ended up leaving pretty quickly and didn't return. My wife laid down on the same bed that Jim and Candy were laying on and I was pretending to be passed out on the second bed in the room, but listening to them talk. My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one. Jim and Candy talked about the threesome they had with the woman while they were on vacation. At that point I got up and told the wife we were going back to our own hotel room. That whole incident made me paranoid. I never cared for Jim or Candy after that and keep in mind this was before I knew about Jim's proposition to my wife. Now I pretty much hate them.


You didn't answer my question about whether you really suspect your wife has ever cheated.

Is the only thing setting off your radar these comments your wife makes to this swinging couple?

As for being a loyal husband yadda yadda, that's fine, but you seem to have a need to stalk your wife. I am wondering where that comes from. It sounds like you've been doing it for quite a while. I will be the first one to advocate snooping if you have real grounds to suspect your spouse, but I am not seeing that here. Not before you started snooping anyway. All this stuff you've found has been because you started snooping. WHY did you start snooping?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jim is not your problem. Your W is your problem. Concern yourself with your W. Jim is out of the picture. Keep it that way.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> You didn't answer my question about whether you really suspect your wife has ever cheated.
> 
> Is the only thing setting off your radar these comments your wife makes to this swinging couple?
> 
> As for being a loyal husband yadda yadda, that's fine, but you seem to have a need to stalk your wife. I am wondering where that comes from. It sounds like you've been doing it for quite a while. I will be the first one to advocate snooping if you have real grounds to suspect your spouse, but I am not seeing that here. Not before you started snooping anyway. All this stuff you've found has been because you started snooping. WHY did you start snooping?


To answer your question - no, I don't believe my wife has ever cheated. The conversation she was having with Jim and Candy at New Years spooked me though. Plus she started talking to one of her co-workers in text and that concerned me. Prior to that I was not snooping. I've since learned that most of the conversations with her coworker are mostly about work and the rest are just in jest. No sexual talk ever happens and she doesn't flirt. They are just friends. My wife has said that if she ever did decide to be with another woman sexually she would want it to be a threesome with me. But I doubt I could ever bring myself to be with another woman while I'm married to her. I refuse to violate our wedding vows.

The swingers are the ones I'm really apprehensive about. They are off her Facebook but I can't help but feel that we will run into them one day again.

Yes, I admit I'm guilty of stalking my wife's online and mobile presence and for that I am ashamed of myself.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> Yes, I admit I'm guilty of stalking my wife's online and mobile presence and for that I am ashamed of myself.


Cause for concern. You reacted like anyone else would have. Then again, some put their heads in the sand.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Jim is not your problem. Your W is your problem. Concern yourself with your W. Jim is out of the picture. Keep it that way.


Yeah, I think she was kind of leading them on. I would be monitoring her phone for attempts to find another couple. As for Jim, you never want to use social media to threaten someone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CanadaDry said:


> Yes, I admit I'm guilty of stalking my wife's online and mobile presence and for that I am ashamed of myself.


Don't be ashamed of yourself. LEARN from it. Examine the reasons you did it. Are you afraid your wife is TRYING to cheat?

You and your wife REALLY need to sit down and hash out some 'rules' and boundaries here. First of all, it is NEVER a good idea to get drunk with a swinger couple and go 'back to their place' or lay on a bed with them or any other such nonsense unless you have swinger intentions yourself. Whether you do or not isn't the point. The point is it's going to come across that you do, both to the couple AND to your spouse, as you have personally experienced.

If your wife isn't able to (or refuses to) see that there are much bigger problems here.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Don't be ashamed of yourself. LEARN from it. Examine the reasons you did it. Are you afraid your wife is TRYING to cheat?


I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I don't think she's trying to cheat. I know she loves me and would never want to hurt me. But I am afraid that she's got this curiosity within her about being with another woman and that she will one day want to experiment with that, whether I approve or not. Her sister-in-law has been with other women before but is now married to my wife's brother and they have a kid together. I get the impression my wife and her SIL have talked about being with other women before and now my wife is curious. My wife has told me that she has watched girl on girl porn while she was masturbating so that to me is a big red flag.

If I found out she slept with another woman behind my back then yes, that to me is cheating and I won't stand for it. She will lose me and half of everything we have if that happens.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> If I found out she slept with another woman behind my back then yes, that *to me is cheating and I won't stand for it*. She will lose me and half of everything we have if that happens.


Then don't be passive about it. Make sure she knows that before this fantasy evolves further. ... and cut Jim and Candy out of your lives ASAP. 

It's call setting boundaries. Good healthy personal and marital boundaries. 

Boundaries in Marriage

She needs to hear it from you. She's a grown woman and can do as she wishes. Not controlling, not an ultimatum, just plain talk... Your marriage doesn't include others. 

That's what I would do. 

Best


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Then don't be passive about it. Make sure she knows that before this fantasy evolves further. ... and cut Jim and Candy out of your lives ASAP.
> 
> It's call setting boundaries. Good healthy personal and marital boundaries.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Like I also said - you MUST do this. If you do not, or if your wife refuses, or if she pretends to agree but retains her curiosity, then things will just escalate.

Are you SURE she hasn't slept with the SIL???


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sending the message to Jim, won't erase that you're probably upset with your wife for being attracted to him.  

I wouldn't message him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I don't think she's trying to cheat. I know she loves me and would never want to hurt me. But I am afraid that she's got this curiosity within her about being with another woman and that she will one day want to experiment with that, whether I approve or not. Her sister-in-law has been with other women before but is now married to my wife's brother and they have a kid together. I get the impression my wife and her SIL have talked about being with other women before and now my wife is curious. My wife has told me that she has watched girl on girl porn while she was masturbating so that to me is a big red flag.
> 
> If I found out she slept with another woman behind my back then yes, that to me is cheating and I won't stand for it. She will lose me and half of everything we have if that happens.


Was your wife like this when you dated? Showing signs of being interested in women? 

You seem like the polar opposite of your wife...she seems like a free spirit, you seem super conservative lol


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

People are free to proposition anyone they want. I would not send the message to him. I would simply let it drop. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

My wife did not express interest in women while we were dating. And I am sure that she has not slept with the SIL.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK. So are you going to set some boundaries?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Let it go....I do think your wife handled it well as far as telling the couple she would have to ask you. She might not have had real good judgement with the alcohol but she was using enough judgement not to get involved that night and she showed her dedication to you even to them by saying what she did. Is she an assertive type or does she try to please people? Don't send the email to this guy, trust me it will go nowhere positive. It's okay to have an attraction to other person. It might have killed you to read that she had that attraction but I would say your wife did very well and I would say it is because she does love you and is dedicated to your marriage. If she is as smart as she was that night while drinking she will not have anything more to do with this couple.


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## Rasputin (Jul 26, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> CanadaDry said:
> 
> 
> > My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one.
> ...


THIS. Sorry but this is the vibe I'm getting, too. You may have watched her unfriend them on FB but do you track all of her social media? The fact you dug into her chats likely has her feeling violated whereas Jim and Candy are holding their arms open for her. The fact your forcing her to unfriend people may make her feel controlled which is exactly the opposite of what she wants right now. 
While your suspicions and demand are likely justified, it doesn't mean you didn't just push your wife away and make her secretive. BTW, emailing this guy will seal her attachment to him. That's what I think anyhow. If he was merely an acquaintance, maybe not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> By freak, if you mean I'm a dedicated husband who is 100% loyal and expects the same of my wife, then I guess I am a freak. I love my wife with every fiber of my being and just want to be loved the same in return.
> 
> I'm not jealous of her spending her time with friends and family. I don't get jealous when she goes out for a night with the girls.
> 
> The situation that set off my paranoia about her happened New Years Eve. My wife, myself, her sister in law and her husband all went out drinking and dancing. We used Uber to get a van that would take us to our desired destinations. And guess what - Jim and Candy joined us all. After a night of drinking and dancing we returned to our hotel (we rented rooms for the night so we wouldn't have to drive back). We all went back to Jim and Candy's hotel room. Well, sis in law and her husband ended up leaving pretty quickly and didn't return. My wife laid down on the same bed that Jim and Candy were laying on and I was pretending to be passed out on the second bed in the room, but listening to them talk. My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one. Jim and Candy talked about the threesome they had with the woman while they were on vacation. At that point I got up and told the wife we were going back to our own hotel room. That whole incident made me paranoid. I never cared for Jim or Candy after that and keep in mind this was before I knew about Jim's proposition to my wife. Now I pretty much hate them.


Hmmm that conversation was entirely inappropriate for her to be having with another couple. The fact that he asked her isnt surprising. It maybe a good idea if you two stopped drinking so much, and agreed some sensible boundaries about how you behave around other people and with members of the opposite sex. I would have stopped seeing them after that first time, people who act that way aren't people I would want to mix with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> To answer your question - no, I don't believe my wife has ever cheated. The conversation she was having with Jim and Candy at New Years spooked me though. Plus she started talking to one of her co-workers in text and that concerned me. Prior to that I was not snooping. I've since learned that most of the conversations with her coworker are mostly about work and the rest are just in jest. No sexual talk ever happens and she doesn't flirt. They are just friends. My wife has said that if she ever did decide to be with another woman sexually she would want it to be a threesome with me. But I doubt I could ever bring myself to be with another woman while I'm married to her. I refuse to violate our wedding vows.
> 
> The swingers are the ones I'm really apprehensive about. They are off her Facebook but I can't help but feel that we will run into them one day again.
> 
> Yes, I admit I'm guilty of stalking my wife's online and mobile presence and for that I am ashamed of myself.


Its rather concerning that your wife seems open to adultery as long as you are involved. That would ring my alarm bells, as she is clearly less worried about faithfulness than you are.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Was your wife like this when you dated? Showing signs of being interested in women?
> 
> You seem like the polar opposite of your wife...she seems like a free spirit, you seem super conservative lol


So faithfulness is now called 'super conservative?'
Wanting to sleep with another is now called 'being a free spirit?'

:surprise::surprise::surprise:


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## Rasputin (Jul 26, 2015)

CanadaDry said:


> My wife has told me that she has watched girl on girl porn while she was masturbating so that to me is a big red flag.


Don't sweat this. It's far more common than you think and generally has little relevance to their sexual orientation.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> OK. So are you going to set some boundaries?


Yes, I've no choice but to set boundaries. Otherwise this will drive me insane.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Hmmm that conversation was entirely inappropriate for her to be having with another couple. The fact that he asked her isnt surprising. It maybe a good idea if you two stopped drinking so much, and agreed some sensible boundaries about how you behave around other people and with members of the opposite sex. I would have stopped seeing them after that first time, people who act that way aren't people I would want to mix with.


Yes it was inappropriate and disrespectful. And she has said we won't hang out with them ever again. i do wonder now if she's feeling controlled. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Like it's just a matter of time before my wife cheats on me, likely with another woman. Guess I'll be posting in the infidelity forum sooner or later.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Forget about sending any sort of message for the moment --

What do the text messages between your wife and SIL reveal about what happened/might have happened that night?

Forget about what your wife told you _after_ the fact -- what do the texts indicate?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You know it really depends on how these people view you. I will explain …


If a couple or the guy in a couple of swingers propositioned my wife, her saying let me ask my husband about this would actually strike terror into some of them and would be a most effective way of shutting them down. This would be because I generally let it be known that I will not tolerate any disrespect of my wife by lowlifes like these.

Of course, you have the odd occasion when drunken "friends" might do this and even then, I "jokingly" (perhaps slightly menacingly) remind them of their behaviour for some time after that so that they know that they messed up. On the other hand they know I will go to the ends of the earth for real friends.

Just saying - some of this is down to what they perceive they can get away with trying.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I would let it drop for know but keep your "senses" up.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> By freak, if you mean I'm a dedicated husband who is 100% loyal and expects the same of my wife, then I guess I am a freak. I love my wife with every fiber of my being and just want to be loved the same in return.
> 
> I'm not jealous of her spending her time with friends and family. I don't get jealous when she goes out for a night with the girls.
> 
> The situation that set off my paranoia about her happened New Years Eve. My wife, myself, her sister in law and her husband all went out drinking and dancing. We used Uber to get a van that would take us to our desired destinations. And guess what - Jim and Candy joined us all. After a night of drinking and dancing we returned to our hotel (we rented rooms for the night so we wouldn't have to drive back). We all went back to Jim and Candy's hotel room. Well, sis in law and her husband ended up leaving pretty quickly and didn't return. My wife laid down on the same bed that Jim and Candy were laying on and I was pretending to be passed out on the second bed in the room, but listening to them talk. My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one. Jim and Candy talked about the threesome they had with the woman while they were on vacation. At that point I got up and told the wife we were going back to our own hotel room. That whole incident made me paranoid. I never cared for Jim or Candy after that and keep in mind this was before I knew about Jim's proposition to my wife. Now I pretty much hate them.


So your wife did this after she was asked to do a threesome with them. 

Sorry but something happened, you SIL and her husband left quickly and your wife was laying in the bed with them. Why in the **** would she do that after what happened. Is she trying to get asked again? With everyone trying to make you just drop it, I don't buy that nothing happened. 

Get her to take a polygraph. Find the best way to ask the questions.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> To answer your question - no, I don't believe my wife has ever cheated. The conversation she was having with Jim and Candy at New Years spooked me though. Plus she started talking to one of her co-workers in text and that concerned me. Prior to that I was not snooping. I've since learned that most of the conversations with her coworker are mostly about work and the rest are just in jest. No sexual talk ever happens and she doesn't flirt. They are just friends. My wife has said that if she ever did decide to be with another woman sexually she would want it to be a threesome with me. But I doubt I could ever bring myself to be with another woman while I'm married to her. I refuse to violate our wedding vows.
> 
> The swingers are the ones I'm really apprehensive about. They are off her Facebook but I can't help but feel that we will run into them one day again.
> 
> Yes, I admit I'm guilty of stalking my wife's online and mobile presence and for that I am ashamed of myself.


No, what is shameful is that your so called loving wife put you in this position by her own actions.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> Yes it was inappropriate and disrespectful. And she has said we won't hang out with them ever again. i do wonder now if she's feeling controlled. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Like it's just a matter of time before my wife cheats on me, likely with another woman. Guess I'll be posting in the infidelity forum sooner or later.



Absolutely set those boundaries. You're fearing she may cheat with another woman, but don't forget she admitted to her SIL about being attracted to Jim. So even if she doesn't hang out with them, another "Jim" will come along with a hot GF/wife. She only told you about her thing for women hoping you would be ok with it.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

So back in September Jim propositions your wife, in front of her brother and sil. Then on New Years, she's laying in bed with the swinging couple. Then you uncover your wife's chat with her sil about feeling guilty "about what happened that night" and her unrealized attraction to Jim??

Is this the right order? 
When we're the chats with sil made?
Why was your wife feeling guilty about that night? 

To me it appears that sil and brother are swingers also and that's why Jim was comfortable asking your wife for a threesome with them present.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Oh, 
On New Years, when Sil and brother left, leaving you and your wife with the swinging couple was a planned all along!!! Your wife was in it also! But I don't need to tell you this, you know in your gut that you were set up!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It is no secret that Facebook, just like TAM and other social media sites, have rules in place against perpetuating threats and violence against other users, whether it is justified or not!

The major concern here is with the marked combination of these written or verbal threats and human pride that uncannily leads to violence, that can either lead to physically hurting, maiming, or even killing of another combatant or bystander!

Not to even mention the seemingly endless police and prosecutorial process!

In a phrase, "it just ain't worth it!"*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How often does your wife go out with the girls. All of the marriages I am aware of that went out separately drinking ended in divorce but one.

A British study filmed married women on GNOs. They dressed sexier and danced more provacitively than single women. Especially when they were ovulating.

Have married late but doing a lot of partying before marriage, there is no way I the world I would have been ok with my wife going out on GNOs.
Good luck with that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So faithfulness is now called 'super conservative?'
> Wanting to sleep with another is now called 'being a free spirit?'
> 
> :surprise::surprise::surprise:


lol omg I didn't realize how bad that reads  

I didn't mean it in a bad way, I just meant...they seem SO different from each other.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Oh,
> On New Years, when Sil and brother left, leaving you and your wife with the swinging couple was a planned all along!!! Your wife was in it also! But I don't need to tell you this, you know in your gut that you were set up!


I think this is stretching the known facts a little too far. 

My gut is having a knock down drag out fight with my brain on this though.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your wife is obviously more sexually free and curious than you. I view sex the same way you do. You should NOT message Jim, Jim is not the problem. The problem is not your wife, the problem is your differences in "sexual freeness". Some men wouldn't care if their wife slept with another women, some would think it's hot, some would love to do a threesome. 
The problem I see if your level of controlling her and obsessing over this. I get that you don't want to her to do anything stupid, and you want to find out if she is doing something stupid. But the truth is, you can't control her behavior. If she wants to cheat, he will. No matter if you stalk her or not. Truthfully the stalking can actually push her away from you to a more "accepting" less controlling person, where she feels more respected and comfortable with.

All you can do, is let her know that cheating, flirting with the idea of it and disrespecting your marriage is an absolute end of the marriage. 

There is a saying... if you look you will find. But it's not necessarily the truth. You will find things that will make you more and more paranoid and obsessive but it isn't concrete evidence. You will see things that are completely innocent but will take as disrespectful and wrong when the reality is it wasn't. I'm telling you the more you look the crazier you will get, and it will ruin your marriage which to me sounds like a good marriage. Your obsession and controlling stalking behavior is the only thing I see wrong with the marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Canada,

Jim and Candy are not friends of your marriage and you need to let them know their aggression towards your W and family has consequences. I'm not sure if after they propositioned your W they continued to act friendly towards you but that would add enormously to the insult.

For myself I would have exposed Jim and Candy to their parent, siblings, workplace, facebook, linkedin, etc, suddenly and massively without warning or threats. I would do it this way to avoid what I would really like to do.

Then there is the issue that your W continued to have Jim perhaps Candy too as a facebook contact, and even the issue that Jim continued to keep her as a contact all the while trespassing on your marriage. Candy is an equal partner in this episode because clearly she had already consented to the act.

If you can find out anyone they swing with perhaps you can expose them as well.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Canada,

Oh and a polygraph for your WW

Tamat


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Canada,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Worst advice I've ever heard. 


OP you will get no peace if you act like this. Your wife is not the enemy. Think positive thoughts about her. She did the right thing, she removed them off of Facebook and doesn't talk with them anymore. She did everything right and that shows that she respects you, loves you and your marriage is more important than this stupid thing that didn't even happen. 
Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. That was a tiny bump in your marriage and in your long happy life that you will have together. Move on and be happy and enjoy each other. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill because if you do, the thing that wasn't even a problem becomes a problem and becomes bigger than the marriage. 

Some People on this forum will give you terrible advice. This paranoid, stalking, obsessive, wire tapping crazy sh*t is not the answer. People who do that... it's like a self fulfilling prophecy because that crazy behavior will drive their spouses away and ruin their marriage. And then they are like see!! I was right!! I'm not crazy!! When their crazy behavior is what ruined the relationship to begin with.

You sound like you have a loving wife and a good marriage. Move forward and enjoy each other and don't look back on stupid things that didn't happen. Trust your wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> lol omg I didn't realize how bad that reads
> 
> I didn't mean it in a bad way, I just meant...they seem SO different from each other.


Yes they do. :smile2:


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Katiecrna, thank you for your input on this. You are right, I need to quit obsessing over this and stop stalking her and trust her. I do love my W and want us to live together in marriage until we're 90+. As of this moment I am no longer stalking her texts, emails, etc. it will be hard to avoid the urge to keep my guard up but I believe I can do it! I've gone 14 days (2 weeks!!!) without any cigars or tobacco products so I know I can quit stalking too.


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