# Can't orgasm, what is wrong with me?



## Missdemeanor (Jul 12, 2013)

I'm a female, early thirties, and have been with my husband for 12 years. I have never once been able to have an orgasm with him, but I have no problem having one alone.

I truly want to fix this because I would like to experience it with my husband, and it has made him feel inadequate and less interested in sex if he feels like he isn't fully pleasing me. I just don't know how to overcome this. 

The closest I got was getting myself off in front of him but I feel like I can't have any distractions or it won't happen. And I actually can't have an orgasm with a vibrator, alone or not, it just doesn't work. 

I started masturbating when I was pretty young, and I have a high sex drive. I get myself off regularly and always have, so I'm wondering if I trained myself to be this way? Like maybe the exact way in which I do it has become such a habit that I can't break it? I can only get myself off in one position, with my legs kind of close together, using my hand as I said (no vibrator) and even if my husband tries using his hand in about the same position I feel like I get close but can never go all the way.

He has tried oral, using his hand, the vibrator... and as I said I sometimes get close but not close enough. I'm really wondering if this is psychological, if I have somehow physically desensitized myself, or both.

I decided to stop masturbating completely hoping that will eventually help. I don't think his technique has anything to do with it, I believe it is all me. I am not afraid to communicate with him about what I like and don't like.

Has anyone gone through this? Is there anything else I can try? I feel hopeless and I hate that it makes him feel so bad. I'm scared that it will never happen!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What's going on in your mind when you are doing yourself?

If you are off in a fantasy somewhere but can't "go there" when he is doing it for you, it might continue to be a problem.


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

assuming when you are talking about doing it yourself you are simply referring to clitoral orgasms. Try different positions for vaginal orgasms (g-spot) like you on top but face away from him and slowly lean lean forward so you are essentially lying on top of him with your legs outstretched and your hands by his feet and you can move your hips in a figure 8 motion or rear entry (not anal) but the key to this is to keep your back arched slighty and don't put your head down on the bed. The entry angle changes drastically when the woman leans towards the bed. Ask your H to make downward thrusting motions so he's hitting the g spot and not the cervix!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have the same issue - somewhat. I have been going to therapy. One thing I have realized is in the rest of my life I'm very much a giver. It is quite uncomfortable to let someone (or ask someone) to do something for me. Ive always thought of sex as something I do for someone else (even though I have a pretty high drive and love sex.) My primary satisfaction comes from getting H off. So in my mind sex is not an equal thing between us.

Its been uncomfortable to have the power level itself, to have it be an equal exchange. 

My other issue was one you don't have, H was not touching me or giving me oral at all and there was no way for me to O under those circumstances. 

But perhaps if you are now trying to orgasm for your husband, if this is something you are trying to give him - that might make it even more difficult mentally because it adds pressure.

Finally - I don't know which vibrator you've used but there is a large difference between battery operated and electrical. The electric ones are much stronger. I cannot O with a battery powered one but can with electric. If your H would 'count' that it might be worth another go if you haven't tried that kind already.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I wish there was a way for you and your husband to not feel so bad about this -- if I understand what you mean by feeling "bad". 

My impression is it is common enough to have problems like this. You should both consider yourselves lucky if you are working on it lovingly together.

I'm a man, but I can relate to the notion of it not happening until I let my mind lose awareness of everything else but sensation and desires related to the act; I have to stop being an observer of my experience, and just experience it. 

Maybe, like another poster suggested, consider what goes on (or more likely not goes on) in your mind when you masturbate as compared to when you are with him. Maybe there you will find an answer.


Btw, the next best thing to causing my wife's O, is watching her give herself one. Rarely has that ever happened in my marriage, but, I think many men would cherish the opportunity to be present with one's partner, and to know one is loved enough to be given the chance to witness something so intimate and willingly vulnerable.

Might not even be next best. Might be just as good as.


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