# He won't defend me?



## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm married a few years to a man I really love and admire, and usually feel confident in his love for me except for this one reoccurring situation, which really hurts!

He's older than me (over 15 years), and so are all his family (sister being the most relevant in this case), and we also come from different cultures (he's African, I'm European).

My own family are all in another country and are also not that close emotionally with each other or with me.

I really admire how close his family is, and see it as far more healthy/functional than my own, and so actively encourage my husband's relationship with them, as well as attend and support family gatherings myself.

However, his sister seems to have me in her sights for some reason. 

She has been somewhat domineering and aggressive to me on other occasions, but what has really upset me has been our last meal together which I will describe briefly:

-She gave a lot of unwanted advice about how we should arrange our affairs (eg. childcare for our coming baby). I said something along the lines of "oh its alright, we've pretty much got our plans figured out." She seemed to take offence and proceeded to tell me that I had a lot to learn, and should realise my place to listen to those older than me.

-She said that I would never have a happy marriage if I did not respect his family and their views, and that I should realise I am only his wife and not his blood, and that in her eyes I might come and go.

-She said I should realise that the whole family could turn their backs on me if I 'disrespected' them, and again that I have a lot of learning to do.

All of this seemed to come out of nowhere, but the message I got was that she felt 'the family' had more of a say over how things are done with our child, and that as I was younger than her I should take a back seat and shut up!

Now, I have no problem standing up to her myself, and just politely reminding her that we'll be discussing it between us (me and my husband), and that we are the parents.

But what really hurt is that my husband just sat silently and listened to her saying all these things, and never once said anything himself. He thinks its better to just keep quiet and then do what we want anyway.

I would never let a member of my family speak to him the way she spoke to me, I would get angry and stop them if they did... whereas he just doesn't seem to care. 

I don't want to cause problems between him and his family, but I feel like she attacked me and he just watched it happen.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

WOW. Talk about not validating or defending...
I cut off my own mother due to snide, sarcastic, under-the-breath comments to my wife....
She must be the alpha sibling. Have you spoken to him about it?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Did you express these feelings to him? Did you sit down and talk about this?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Solaris said:


> -She gave a lot of unwanted advice about how we should arrange our affairs (eg. childcare for our coming baby). I said something along the lines of "oh its alright, we've pretty much got our plans figured out." She seemed to take offence and proceeded to tell me that I had a lot to learn, and should realise my place to listen to those older than me.
> 
> -She said that I would never have a happy marriage if I did not respect his family and their views, and that I should realise I am only his wife and not his blood, and that in her eyes I might come and go.
> 
> -She said I should realise that the whole family could turn their backs on me if I 'disrespected' them, and again that I have a lot of learning to do.


I am actually outraged that a husband would stand down from this!


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm trying to figure out how to talk to him about it because the problem is I am hurt and angry and don't want to let feelings cloud my rational mind.

I believe he is on my side, but I think he will just tell me that I should keep quiet to keep the peace, and then do what we want anyway when she is not there.

On one side I can see this is sensible, but on the other side I think it is still not right for her to speak to me so badly. I don't want to sit there and be quiet, I want to tell her to stop!

But then I worry my husband will say I am the one causing the argument.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In this case.. I think if there was a family dinner.. with BOTH sides of the family... it just may open up this sisters eyes to cultural differences and the H's as well... then perhaps.. there may be a bit more respect shown? That's just a thought though...


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Defend yourself. You wouldn't let a member of your family speak that way to him? Good, use that spine of yours and don't let a member of *his* family speak that way to you either.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think it would be a good idea to point out to your H that you wouldn't let YOUR family do this to him.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> Defend yourself. You wouldn't let a member of your family speak that way to him? Good, use that spine of yours and don't let a member of *his* family speak that way to you either.












Definetly defend yourself. Always defend yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I think it would be a good idea to point out to your H that you wouldn't let YOUR family do this to him.


:iagree: excellent advice! :iagree:

Also, Don't make this out to be a "she is picking on me". show him how disrespectful it is to him to be treating his wife this way...

Very good Gaia....


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

Thank you to those who have commented.

I am happy to defend myself, and will more strongly if this comes up again (I'm sure it will). But I feel hurt that my husband is not saying anything either.

It feels like he is not backing me up, and I feel like he should also be telling her to stop, or am I asking too much?

I know it is his family, but I would not let my family do this to him. But then my family is not a very happy/healthy one anyway, so I don't know if my viewpoint is wrong.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> :iagree: excellent advice! :iagree:
> 
> Also, Don't make this out to be a "she is picking on me". show him how disrespectful it is to him to be treating his wife this way...
> 
> Very good Gaia....


lol I've actually had to do this with my own H before.. which is why i suggested it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Your viewpoint is not wrong but keep in mind that it may take some time for your H to realize how damaging your SIL's behavior can be to your relationship with him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex W always felt that my mom was attacking her - my mom was only ever voicing her own opinion, and I will admit my mom is very opinionated. I would never do anything to instigate a disagreement with my mom, let her speak her mind, I take what I want and leave the rest.

My ex W felt so threatened all the time and like your H said about your sisters, I just said then ignore her, she doesn't live with us, be quiet about it and then do what we want anyway.

I honestly can't comprehend why my now ex had to make an issue of it, yes she has different beliefs and a different custom of communicating, but when my ex demanded I "defend" her she was giving me a sh!t test, basically forcing me to choose between her and my mom, and I simply refused to take the test, no way was I gonna be coerced to pick between the two most important women in my life, it was to me all so petty.

So my W began to defend herself when my mom would say anything critical to her. And when my ex became defensive and stood her ground THAT is when my mom started attacking her more aggressively, and THAT is when I stepped in and shut my mom down, because there was no point to her criticism and my mom needed to see that it really was hurtful. My W wanted to make it all about "positioning" and that is bogus to me, however when I saw my mom become offensive that is when I would have none of that disrespectful talk.

To me it sounds like you and your SILs are positioning right now and your H is going to let you all figure it out yourself, if his sisters actually do anything that causes you harm that is when your H should take action.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lon.. I'm gonna have to disagree with that. The H shouldn't let it get to that point. HE should step in beforehand. It's not a shyt test.. it's backing up your partner.. it's not about choosing between family and spouse.. it's letting your "blood" so to speak.. know that your SO is now family to you as well. I honestly don't see how people can look at it as choosing between this person or that.. it's about setting healthy boundaries and letting "blood" family know that they need to show respect to this life partner of yours.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gaia, yes it is definitely close to, if not over, the line for her SIL's to threaten her with turning their backs... I think there was positioning and if it had been my family and my W I probably would have stepped in the moment they said "learn your place". Perhaps he just recognized that Solaris was doing a fine job of definding herself... or maybe he would have let it go too far, we don't know there is grey area and we weren't there, which is why it is critical she talk to her H about this and make it clear she felt threatened and uncomfortable being alone... maybe he will take the hint, or maybe he sees it different and that there was no real threat. Communication is the issue here, not the actions of all those involved.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think it's a bit of both.. but yes they do need to sit down and talk, that's already been pointed out and agreed upon.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I think it's a bit of both.. but yes they do need to sit down and talk, that's already been pointed out and agreed upon.


yep... I just didn't want Solaris to use this example as evidence her H won't ever defend her... Maybe he won't or else maybe he just didn't think there was a need. I suspect when he senses a real threat/danger his masculine/protective instincts would kick in.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You should have put him on the spot right there. 'are you going to let her talk to your wife that way?'

Letting them figure it out between themselves and disrespecting your wife are two totally different things.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think what's happening is unacceptable, but I think Lon has a great point, too. 

I'm the kind of person who will stand up for myself, and I wouldn't expect my husband to intervene. I wouldn't want him to, even, because if he did, I'd always be the outsider who wasn't fully accepted.

But on the other hand, a lot of people aren't as assertive as I am, and I would expect my life partner to back me up if I needed it. Lon's position is probably what Solaris' husband feels - that she can handle herself and if it gets really nasty, he'll intervene. The problem is that what he considers really nasty is far worse than what she considers it to be. 

Solaris, you could tell your husband specific steps you'd like to see. I wouldn't recommend going to him in a judgmental or blameful way, but you could say, "If she insults me, I'd like to ask you to intervene and have you tell her to back off." Then, when SIL gets snarky, you can say, "DH, will you please explain to your sister why this isn't ok?" 

Whether he defends you or not, she will escalate her behavior if you or he confronts her on it. He knows her well, and probably has good reason to ignore her behavior - he knows just how unpleasant she can be, and that the best way he knows to deal with it and maintain family relations is to ignore it. He is not wrong about that, but you're not wrong either.

Do you have an idea why she sees you as an outsider and doesn't want his family to accept you?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Talking and expressing her feelings on the matter could open up his eyes to the situation as well. Your right in the... he may not see a problem... so yes.. communication is very important here.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Kathy.. both my H and I are pretty assertive as well.. however.. my H let it get to the point where his mother and I actually got into a physical fight over the disrespecting.. whereas the one moment my elder brother started acting disrespectful toward my H I pulled him aside and told him then and there never to do it again. Told him I didn't appreciate him showing the man I love such disrespect and i would not tolerate it. After that my brother didn't do anything disrespectful again. When it comes to family.. it is that persons responsibility to tend to matters such as this.. not their spouses.. not imo anyway. Sure my H can stick up for himself.. but he should not have to as it was my responsibility to let my family know there are boundaries they just can not cross. So yeah.. setting her H down and expressing these feelings about the situation to him are a very good idea... and hopefully he gets the point and doesn't let it escalate.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

What part of Africa is your husband from, and what language does his family speak? Where do you live now, and how long have your husband and his family lived there? Has your husband ever expressed an interest in abandoning or rejecting his own culture? Sadly, none of what you described sounds that out of line with many world cultures. Is it possible that your husband asked his sister to explain his culture to you? That would explain his silence.

You don't have to give in and go along, and for your sake I hope you don't, but you may be way overdue for a crash course in your husband's (and, in his family's eyes, your child's) culture.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I am a firm believer that once a man marries he should stand up for/defend his wife if need be, regardless of culture. I also think women should defend themselves as well, because, there are some men who wont or don't know how, and we as women need to do it anyway. However, it would be nice to have a man who can stand up for her when need be. My guess is his afraid of his mother, Shes probably dominant. Regardless though, he needs to learn he is your husband, you are his wife, he married you and you married him and you both should have each others back at times.


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

I want to be a bit careful with details, but lets just say he comes from 'close to Nigeria', and he and his family have been in our present country (UK) for over 10 years. They all speak English as a first language.

I'm really not trying to test him in any way, and I really don't even want to 'win' over his sister. I don't want him to fall out with her or anything as I value the closeness he has in his own family (which I don't have in mine due to religious differences).

My problem is that in defending myself, the conversation did get increasingly heated, and I think it will do even more so in future. She is obviously/understandably not as close to me as he is to her, and I think in many ways he is actually in a better position to defuse the situation without it becoming all-out 'war' so-to-speak.

Also, I really just know that if I was sitting at a table and my brother or sister began talking to him the way she did to me, I would honestly ask them directly not to be so rude to my husband.

I don't know if that is just because I am not as close to my family, or if it is because I actually respect and care about him more than he does for me (this is what it feels like). He says he doesn't agree with the things she said to me, but his silence makes it seem like he does at the time!


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

Sorry, I should have added that I have talked to him. He does say that he thinks what she did was wrong, but he thinks it is better to just keep quiet and let her talk 'because it is only words'.

He thinks I should just be quiet when she does it as well, but I don't think I can do that. It hurts, its disrespectful, and it makes me angry! I don't think I should just sit there in silence like a child getting lectured??

I don't know, I start to wonder if I am in the wrong, but it just feels so bad to me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You should let him know that.. even though it may "appear" to be .."only" words... it could get alot worse later if he doesn't put up some boundaries. Sitting in silence and expecting it to all go away.. rarely..... if ever.. solves anything.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your sister in law isn't merely offering an opinion, she is threatening that you could be cut of the family if you have the temerity to disagree with anything she says. 

The blending of cultures can be difficult, but the blending needs to come from both sides. Time to sit your H down and have a serious talk with him, OP.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Solaris said:


> Sorry, I should have added that I have talked to him. He does say that he thinks what she did was wrong, but he thinks it is better to just keep quiet and let her talk 'because it is only words'.
> 
> He thinks I should just be quiet when she does it as well, but I don't think I can do that. It hurts, its disrespectful, and it makes me angry! I don't think I should just sit there in silence like a child getting lectured??
> 
> I don't know, I start to wonder if I am in the wrong, but it just feels so bad to me.


Well he probably thinks it will just make it worse and you would just be escalating the situation instead of making an attempt to fix it. Maybe it says more about what your H thinks of his sisters than you think of him.

My recommendation is to respect your H's clear intent of not confronting his sisters and if you get lectured instead of sitting there and taking it, stand, say I will not be lectured like a child about my relationship with my H, then leave the room and remove yourself from the situation. Show the sisters that alienation will not work on you, and that they are only harming themlselves. Demonstrate that you have higher value than them and leave your H to deal with the mess his sisters are making.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with Lon's last post. Rather stand up for yourself than expect your H to do so. No need to get into a heated argument with the SIL - just state your case (ie "I won't be lectured like a child") then politely remove yourself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think taking a stand and not taking a stand both can produce unwanted results. If I was in your shoes, I'd be searching out non-confrontational statements that could de-escalate her behavior and use them when she gets abusive.

"I'm sorry to hear you feel that way." 
"We may have to agree to disagree." 
"I hope you'll change your mind about that." 
"You sound very hostile right now. I'd like to talk when you're feeling better." 
"I hear what you're saying." 
"I understand that you don't like me." 
"You're entitled to your thoughts." 
"You have that right, if that's what you want to do." 
"I wish you the best." 
"May you have the kind of day you deserve."


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

Gaia, thank you, I agree with you, I think it will only get worse.. and that is what I am afraid of.

Lon and Cosmos, thank you, I think you are right that I should just get up and leave. But I must admit I do feel hurt by this side of my husband, that he is happy to sit and watch me be attacked by his sister.

It just makes me feel very alone, like if I get hurt it is just my problem and he doesn't want anything to do with it... like it doesn't matter to him. I would not stand by and watch that happen to him. 

I think its even really not about what I should do, or what he should do, but maybe it has revealed to me that his feelings are just not that deep toward me?


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

Thank you also Kathy for your post (which I have just seen), and I will also think about.

I just wonder now if maybe its better it happened this way, as the sister may just be a sign to show me that my husband's feelings are not really there.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Solaris said:


> It just makes me feel very alone, like if I get hurt it is just my problem and he doesn't want anything to do with it... like it doesn't matter to him. I would not stand by and watch that happen to him.


Don't hinge everything on this one situation. Just because he is not navigating this one well doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't deep or sincere. Realize that without this man you married you would still have to deal with situations like this, it is a daily part of being a human adult, use this as an opportunity to learn about your H more, what works and what doesn't. And I highly recommend not letting resentment set in or refuse to continue nurturing your marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, it will be hurtful that your H sits and allows his sister to insult you. I find this rather unusual in an African culture (I lived in Africa for 28 years), because it's more the norm for women to defer to males. Is your H's sister a lot older than him? Has she perhaps taken on the role of mother in the family? Not that this excuses her bullying tactics.


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## Solaris (Jun 20, 2012)

Cosmos she is not a lot older than him (but a lot older than me), but she has taken on the mother role yes (their parents are deceased).

She very much seems to think that age is a major factor, and I am by far the youngest.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO you both need to stand up for your marriage. You are married to him, he is married to you, not his sister or other family members, period.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

trey69 said:


> IMO you both need to stand up for your marriage. You are married to him, he is married to you, not his sister or other family members, period.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: With this... you two are partners and need to approach things like this as such, discuss it together and decide a course of action.. but definitely stick up for one another.


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