# Lack of sex in marriage due to illness



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3. Shortly before our marriage I began getting feeling ill but did not go to the doctors due to lack of insurance. We soon noticed that I was getting sicker and I realized that I did not enjoy sex/sex was painful and I had no libido (among a myriad of other symptoms). My husband felt angry and rejected so I went to the doctore to try and find out what was happening. After several months of testing (during which our sex life was close to nonexistent) I found out I was having some major thyroid/adrenal/ hormone issues and began taking medication and going to counseling. I ended up not reacting well to the medication and getting sicker. I am now on another medication and with it I'm slowly starting to return to normal. During this awful time I have always tried to show my husband how much I love him (physically) through hugging/kissing/oral sex since having sex has continued to be awful for me but my doctor assures me that with continued treatment I should be able to have a normal sex life again. My issue is is that my husband keeps threatening to have an affair and refuses to go to counseling or see my doctor with me. I do not know what to do. I do not want to get a divorce (which I would if he were to have an affair) but on the other hand I do not know what to do since I've tried providing sexual release for him in other ways and I want my sex life back/ illness to go away


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm so sorry to read that. Your husband sounds like he lacks empathy and is being a total jerk and a bully. 

You shouldn't have to put up with that selfishness, you've tried to be attentive to his needs though you're in pain and he has shown you no compassion for your illness. That's not right. 

Threatening to cheat would make me worry that he's already cheating. Personally, I think it's emotional blackmail. He's basically saying he doesn't care about your pain, only his needs and have sex with me whether it feels good or not or I'm going to hurt you.

Remind him that he took vows to you which included forsaking all others, in sickness and in health and till death to us part. If he doesn't come to the doctor's visits/counseling and change his tune, you should leave. He is not there for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He must feel incredibly unloved and frustrated. I'm sorry for you both that you're going through this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you and your husband? The sexless marriage issue is big on TAM. Maybe you can read some of the threads by men and share what you learn with your husband?

Can you orgasm? Is he interested in giving your clitoral stimulation?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for the replies so far. This is a very awkward topic so I was excited when I found this forum.

I do feel like I am being bullied and have told him as much but he does not understand why he has to change his attitude for something that is "my" problem

I hope he is not feeling unloved- I have tried to do what I can to show him that I love him in the ways that I can

We are in our late 20s (cringe I cannot believe something like this is happening at my age). I will definitely read over some of the threads and see if he would be willing to discuss what I learn from them. I rarely orgasm and am not a huge fan of manual stimulation-prefer oral which he is willing to give and I am willing to give both to him as well.

I almost feel like he is putting so much pressure on me to "get well and enjoy sex" that it is going to make things more difficult/stressful than they already are. 

I forgot to mention- at the beginning, while he was frustrated, he knew it was a medical issue and he enjoyed what I tried to do to make up for it. Recently he has been getting more and more agitated and keeps talking about cheating which concerns me. Any solution I bring up, other than traditional sex, he immediately vetoes


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If he sees alternatives to intercourse as deception, then he has reason to resist. Sad that you cannot convince that you have a medical condition.

How long before you recover? What is the prognosis?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> How old are you and your husband? The sexless marriage issue is big on TAM. Maybe you can read some of the threads by men and share what you learn with your husband?
> 
> Can you orgasm? Is he interested in giving your clitoral stimulation?


Yes, lots of us on here are in sexless marriages...but you/your husband are NOT in a sexless marriage. It seems that you have a problem receiving but that you are happy to 'oblige' your husband for HIS sake with hugsm oral, kissing etc
I think you deserve a medal.

I can also understand you husband wanting to do something for YOU.... 

Threatening to have an affair in this situation is unfeeling, uncaring and very very selfish and stupid of him.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Let him read this thread....as well as the many other threads on here from ppl in sexless marriages, whose wives are in perfectly good health. 

You're sick but trying to meet his needs anyway, and he threatens an affair? He's an a$$ who doesn't believe in his vows. You deserve better....if you'd divorce him if he had an affair it sounds like you're marriage is heading that way now, and at this point I'd start looking out for you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I do suspect that your husband is feeling rejected since there is no actual intercourse. I also agree with your husband is that you should work to get better and recover as fast as possible. Be proactive and tackle your health issues so you can enjoy sex again. Sex is very important in marriage/committed relationships.

What I wholeheartedly disagree with is your husband's approach. Like I said, it is emotional blackmail. It's immature, coercive and manipulative. It's totally wrong to threaten cheating, abuse, or bluff about divorce on one's partner simply to get them to do what you want.

I also disagree that this is just _your _problem. Spouses are supposed to support each other. It's been said that _"when one has a problem in the marriage - both have a problem!"_ When someone has a fundamental problem or a health crisis, the other should be supportive and willing to make compromises. Committed relationships and marriages are about teamwork.

Sex is not just about the P in the V. It's about intimacy and connection, there are plenty of things you can do to be sexual that don't require intercourse - erotic massage, strip teases, kissing, hand jobs, blow jobs, flirting, cuddling, talking about fantasies etc. It sounds more than fair to me that you've continued to offer other sexual activities to him as you recover. If vaginal penetration is painful for you right now, he really needs to accept that. 

But like I said, you need to be proactive about resolving your health issues), going to the doctor, doing any exercises, taking medication, continuing counseling, and eating healthy to help heal your body and mind. It is unfair of him and uncaring to expect you to have sex whilst it causes you physical pain. Especially if you are doing everything in your power to get better and have been making concessions to keep him satisfied in other ways. Going through with physically painful intercourse that you feel coerced into, just to appease your husband, will cause you emotional pain as well.

I would speak to him and tell him how this makes you feel. Obviously this is hurting you too or you wouldn't have written here. You need to try to make him understand that you love him, find him attractive but he is also making you go this alone and is being unsupported and that it hurts. 

Personally, this demonstration of uncaring would make me feel really resentful and even if well, I wouldn't feel sexually inclined towards a spouse that threatened infidelity instead of showing compassion. 

I would also make another plea to him to go to the doctors and counseling with you so they can explain to him what is going on.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I do not know what else I can do but offer alternatives. He knows I'm at the doctors at least 2x per month so he is aware but refuses to be involved. The last time we tried to have pinv sex (because he made me feel so guilty) it was so painful for me I was crying until he stopped and was in pain the rest of the day. He was so angry and frustrated but I feel like I am in a losing situation.

My prognosis is good. They were initially concerned due to my age but since I have been responding to this latest treatment my doctor has been positive. I have scheduled a second opinion appointment to see what else could be going on/ what other treatments I could be taking. I do not have a timeline but I think that within a year we could probably get back into basic sex as long as things continue to improve.

I feel very bad for those that are in a 100% sexless marriage. While mine is not 100% sexless it is very low sex and I feel incredibly guilty about it but I am trying to show love in other ways. I definitely understand how difficult lack of sex in marriage can be as it is causing such problems in mine.

I think he may be using the threat of divorce as power play because my family is very religious and divorce is absolutely not accepted. It is so difficult that he refuses to be understanding about this because otherwise I love him dearly and he is a good husband. But telling your wife that you will divorce her unless she works on her problem, that you can't love someone or be attracted to them unless there is sex or that you feel like roommates just seems so unfair when I am trying. I completely understand that for him sex: love but I have explained so many times what is happening and he refuses to go to counseling or get involved.

He has been out of town due to a family emergency so we have not seen each other recently but when we've discussed the sex issue he has been very excited when I've agreed to sext/ dirty talk. I did make it clear though that when he returns I cannot guarantee pinv sex. He is stuck on pinv sex. I know pinv sex is the norm (we are both not into anal). 

On the rare occasion my husband actually communicates with me about it the most I get from him is 'I feel rejected/unhappy-fix it' 

I feel like if we were to get a divorce it would be my fault because of the sex issue.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

miche4 said:


> I feel like if we were to get a divorce it would be my fault because of the sex issue.


Absolutely not. The vow reads "in sickness and in health". Although sick, you are offering everything you can except for PIV because it is painful.....it won't be painful forever, and sounds like you have indicated to him that if you COULD, you definitely would.

There's a difference between not having sex because you WON'T and not having sex because you CAN'T. The former is grounds for divorce. 

Your husband's stance on this is ignorant....really, not going to appointments with you???? Likely because he will hear first hand how this is a very real issue and will be confronted with the fact that he's being a selfish a$$ about it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

miche4 said:


> Recently he has been getting more and more agitated and keeps talking about cheating which concerns me. Any solution I bring up, other than traditional sex, he immediately vetoes


Hmm, this makes me think he may have already crossed that line.

Question, you say you take care of him other ways. How often? Daily? Every other day? or something more akin to not at all (i.e. monthly)?

I know the feeling of neglect all too well, and I know the dark place it brings you to mentally and emotionally and I can tell you the things he's doing just scream out frustration and emotional neglect. Perhaps you're pulling back because you know you can't do what he really wants.

You both don't like anal? Or both just don't like the idea of it? Have you tried?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for your kind words. This really is a can't not a won't situation. Trust me if we could have sex I would but it is just awful. It does hurt my feelings that he makes no effort to learn more about my medical issues other than see the negative way it effects him.


I hope you are wrong but that may very well be true. In regards to his needs- kissing/ hugging/ hand holding: every day; naked cuddling/massage: 2-3 times a week; manual or oral stimulation: about 1-2 times a week (obviously there are variables involved such as work, etc)

We have not tried and neither of us are interested in doing so.


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## theorydo (Mar 17, 2014)

Your husband sounds like he lacks empathy and is being a total jerk and a bully.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're husband is a total arse. Wow. What a pig!

He should read some of the threads on here from men in sexless marriages, where their wives just aren't interested in sex and don't even try to look after their husbands.

You are ill, can't have sex because it's painful yet you still offer him alternatives, because you love him and he treats you like this?

Wow...just wow....

There's a big difference between not wanting sex for no good reason, and wanting to but not being able to.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's cool and all, comeserating with her about her husband being an ass. Actually I agree with everyone saying it. But frankly I don't think it does anything to actually help her or the situation. It just adds another voice to the chorus. I wonder if anyone has anything "useful" to say, or "practical"? Something that will get some kind of result. 

Personally, I post to try to help her "think". To put her in her husband's shoes so she can get some perspective. To get her out of the box a little so she can approach things from a different angle. I know it comes off as being insensitive, but it's not insensitive just for the sake of it.

Other than "I think your husband is a big meanie pants", how can we help this woman?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I have suggested he peruse threads in SIM on TAM, including her own....that's a serious suggestion. 

However, if he's refusing to go to appointments with her, likely he'll refuse to look here as well.

It doesn't sound like much of a marriage if he's threatening an affair because she is physically unable to give him PIV temporarily. Other than increasing the frequency of oral/other sexual activity, I don't know what else you can do, it really is on him now. So I stand by my first response, as much as it's not what the OP may want to hear....she look out for herself. Start proceeding and facing the real possibility that this is not a marriage to save. She has indicated she wouldn't stay with him if he had an affair...and as WOM suggested, he may have crossed that line...or at least feels fully justified in doing so. 

This is a guy who may not realize how much of an effort his wife made until she is gone. OP, you need to look for supports outside of your husband. It's easy to justify how he's a "good man" outside of this....but down the line, if you get sick again, or another challenge comes up...you think you can depend on him to be faithful and behind you? I don't know if you have children but I couldn't live with someone with that kind of doubt. 

If you make moves to leave/separate, you'll likely shock him as it's not what he's expecting....but you also remove his power over emotional blackmail. He may smarten up, or he may go ahead and sleep around. Either way, you'll know where you stand. But you have to be able to face the possibility that this marriage may not be saved, if he's not able to compromise. And there are men out there who, while being frustrated, would definitely appreciate and recognize the efforts you are making...who would go to appointments to see what is going on. You do not deserve that kind of disrespect...no one does. Not in a marriage.

That's my less than 2 cents.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

miche4 ~
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It truly sounds as if you are trying to be there for your husband in spite of the physical challenges. I applaud you for that. The unfortunate thing here is that your husband seems to be unwilling to live up to his marriage vows, e.g. "in sickness and in health", "forsaking all others".... Instead, you are being hurt by his threats to have an affair. I don't think there's much you can do to change the way he is handling this since he's not willing to go to counseling. I guess what you can get out of these responses to your post is that you are not at fault, friend. It sounds like you are a wonderful person and you certainly didn't ask to have this condition. I hope things improve greatly for you in the not so distant future. I'll be praying for you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Besides calling the husband an ass, I have encouraged the poster to be proactive about her medical condition. I have encouraged the poster to talk to her husband about how his behaviour is making her feel. I have encouraged the poster to try to speak with her husband again to get him to attend a doctor’s appointment and visit her counselor with her. Lastly, I advised the poster to seek a separation if he doesn’t attend or continues to bully her in this way. 

Since he appears to need PIV sex over the other forms to feel loved and valued by his wife - his feelings of rejection and discontent are valid. 

I like that you asked those questions to her WorkingOnMe, that is something I didn't do. I agree that it is useful to try to see things from the husband’s perspective. It was also helpful to get more information from her as I realize we are only getting one side of the story. 

However, seeing things from the husband’s perspective is not going to change the fact that what he is doing and saying is dead wrong. His behaviour goes well beyond just “being a big meany”. 



> “*Interpersonal coercion* occurs when a woman has sex with her husband in the face of *threats that are not violent in nature.* Husbands who threaten to withhold money or* have an affair* or who become nasty to the children are guilty of interpersonal coercion. The coercive nature of such threats is especially salient in a marriage where a woman’s dependency and powerlessness undercut her bargaining position.”


Finkelhor, D. and Yllo, K., License to Rape, The Free Press, New York 1985



> “*Sexual abuse* includes raping, *pressuring*, or forcing one to have sex when s/he doesn’t want to, [or can’t] or to do sexual things that s/he doesn’t like. It can be verbal, such as talking about sex when one doesn’t want to, or using sexual words one doesn’t want to hear. *It also includes emotional manipulation,* such as flirting,* threatening to have an affair, or violating a commitment to monogamy.*”


Center for Domestic Peace, Individual Peace Agreement



> “*Emotional blackmail* is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when one partner either consciously or unconsciously *coerces the other into doing what he wants by playing on his partner’s fear, guilt, or compassion. * Examples of emotional blackmail include one partner * threatening to end a relationship if he doesn’t get what he wants* and one partner* rejecting or distancing herself from her partner until he gives in to her demands.* If your partner withholds sex or affection or gives you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder whenever he is displeased with you,* threatens to find someone else,* or uses other fear tactics to get you under control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.”


Engel, Beverly, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, pgs. 31, 32,John Wiley & Sons, Nov 29, 2002

Making threats to leave and making threats to cheat are coercive. Sex given under coercion is not consensual – her being married doesn’t change that. Not only is it coercion, it’s emotional blackmail, and sexual and emotional abuse. If she gives in to the sex it’s not because she wants to but because she’s afraid of what will happen if she doesn’t. You don’t need to be a woman to see the wrong in that. To me, their issues seem to go beyond the illness and sexual dysfunction and pain she is experiencing physically. 

I don’t know the specifics of OP’s illness but I do know that Endometriosis, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and Vaginismus are very real conditions that cause PIV sex to be extremely painful for the woman. She has already stated that she is not refusing sex because she doesn’t want to. She wants to have sex with him, she is trying to please him and he is not appreciative of that. She’s also explained what’s going on with her body that is making sex impossible for her but he won’t listen.

If the husband doesn’t compromise with her on doing sexual activity that they can both enjoy, and try to better understand and empathise with her then I don’t see any winning solutions. Either she can separate from him or she can give in and have really painful sex that will hurt her physically, emotionally and further strain their marriage as a result.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am absolutely devastated. We are getting divorced. 

My husband came back yesterday and seemed so happy to see me. We had a good night in. Today he was incredibly distant so I asked if everything was ok with his family and got no response. I then asked if everything was ok with us and he immediately told me No. He went on to tell me that he is no longer in love with me but cares for me only as a friend. He said he would like a divorce as soon as possible. I was shocked. I knew there were issues (obviously as I was on this forum trying to fix them but had no idea things would happen so fast) and asked if he would now reconsider counseling. He refused. I asked him to tell me why he wanted this divorce so badly and he gave me a list of reasons that were absolutely ludicrous. I told him this and asked if it was due to our sex life. He said that he had not had good sex in three years and wasn't willing to wait any longer. He left the house and I was an emotional wreck. I am friendly with one of our neighbors (as I'm sitting here writing this trying not to have an emotional breakdown I am realizing I have very few friends other than my husband and his friends.... I am terrified that I will not have very much support during this since my family is very against divorce. Plus how does one make friends as an adult?) and asked her to come over. She was very kind and talked me through everything. She then said that I should try and get into his computer to see if he had been cheating. I got into his computer (I do not snoop until now) and found he had been cheating for a while. He had been sleeping with a friend of his friends for at least a month, I found several messages to women (that I knew only as friends) where they planned sleeping together as soon as he could get his "awful ***** of a wife" out of the house, I found messages of him telling people what an awful person I am and that I am lazy and refuse to have sex with him. He told them all about our lack of sex life, without explaining the medical side of it, and laughed at me behind my back. 

I am so so hurt right now. I am a nice, decent person and this has cut me to my core. I have absolutely no idea what to do or where to go from here


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Miche I'm truly sorry at how this has all played out. I worried that this might be the case and I know it sucks. The thing is, you're a good person and you'll come out on the other end of this in a much better place. A year from now, you'll have moved on. And he'll still be a cheater.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry, miche4. I know you must be devastated. The "no longer in love with me but cares for me only as a friend" is a classic cheater's line. I knew he was cheating before I even read that you'd found proof on his computer.

You may want to start a thread in the Coping with Infidelity section of this board for more specific feedback. First, though, you really need to decide if you want to try to reconcile with your husband or if his infidelity, lies, betrayal, etc., are firm deal breakers for you. If you don't want to try to save the marriage, find a good attorney and begin the divorce process. If you do want to try to save it, there are some steps you can take that might make it possible, but the choice is yours. It sounds like your husband might not want to reconcile, and might not be worth it even if he did want to.

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for your kind words. I am heartbroken.

He has made it clear that there is absolutely no chance at reconciliation.

I tried posting in that forum but it said that I had to wait for a moderator to ok my post?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh miche I am so sorry for your pain  You poor darling.

Please be sure to take copies of all the emails and anything else that you found... print them out and make copies and keep the copies off site.

Seek legal advice immediately.

Your family surely cannot blame you for the divorce when you didn't instigate it?? I'm sure they will be supportive of you, especially when you tell them what he's been doing.

Big hugs, we're all here for you. If we lived closer I'd come over right now


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Do something very good for you, go out go to yoga in the swimming pool whatever it takes.
Your husband seems to have major issues.
The affair he has will never end into a real relationship (if that helps you), he had the affair because there were issues between you and him. It would be interesting to hear the other side (which obviously won't speak here).
Maybe your illness is rooted in martial troubles? Who knows the body reacts often this way.
I guess you will be much calmer if your have sorted your stuff out, know what the legal side is and so on. 
Anyway, you are pretty young and have many years to find the right partner!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Oh Miche,

That is terrible news. I hate to sound cold but I had suspected it - who threatens to cheat on their spouse FFS?! A cheater, that's who. All this time, he had you jumping through hoops and being unsupported and making you feel at fault for a possible divorce. Then to cheat and dispose of you, that's really telling of low character and morals.

I'm sure your post will show up in CWI. There is good advice to be had there. I'd encourage you to look up the Newbie thread in CWI using the search feature on this site.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

appletree said:


> he had the affair because there were issues between you and him. It would be interesting to hear the other side (which obviously won't speak here).


I strongly disagree with this. He had an affair because it's who he is.

There is no other side to cheating. No excuse. Get happy or get out, but don't cheat.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think Appletree has a point. I believe that when marriages breakup you cannot place all the blame on one party. Both (albeit to a greater or lessor degree) contribute to it.

In this case we only have Miche's side of the story. However, that aside, I can only imagine how she feels...dreadful...a sense of failing, frightened of what the future holds etc.

But, Miche, this is a new start for you. You WILL get over it and you WILL find new friends and, hopefully, a new partner with whom you will have a loving and fulfilling relationship with.

Bon courage mon amie!


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I don't want to blame Miche, certainly not. BTW I google for Ester Perel she has a different take on cheating. 
For the divorce, maybe it is a good thing what happens to you. You don't have to be the one who divorces and you get away from a guy with poor character. Your body spoke long before the divorce anyway. If you tell the story, everyone will be on YOUR side anyway.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It doesn't seem like it now but I suspect it's a "blessing in disguise" though it will take a lot of time to see it that way. You did say he was a good husband in other ways. Still I just thought that someone who could be so uncaring about their spouse being ill and using manipulation to get what he wants probably has other bad behaviours. It just seemed really malicious to me the way he was pressuring you, given that you were in pain, not just simply refusing sex.

It's easy to ignore the bad things about our spouses until something like this happens and the wool is pulled from our eyes. You ignore red flags, warning signs, abusive behaviour or just can't see it because you love them.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Miche, I am VERY sorry this has happened to you.

I've been through it, as have many others on these boards....you WILL survive this. It will likely get worse before it gets better....but it WILL get better. There will come a day where you'll be angry that you did not leave him sooner. But you WILL come out of this better than him.

You are very young, and deserve so much better. I hope your family will recognize that you need support more than ever now. I agree with Miss Taken, this is a blessing in disguise...though I know it doesn't feel like it now. 

Please seek legal advice asap.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Miche,
I am so sorry. I'm sure your heart is hurting terribly. I'm praying for you. Hugs. ray:


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi thank you so much for the support. I understand that you have only my side and that is somewhat unfair but as I cannot make my stbxh post I am trying to be as fair, and stay as classy, as I can during this process. I am not saying I was a perfect wife but as things are happening I'm realizing that my husband is not the person I thought he was and that I should've seen these threats of divorce as a huge red flag. I am trying to just turn off the emotions as best as I can and just deal with the leaving and divorce process. My husband's erratic and cruel behavior continues (I have started a thread in the coping with infidelity section) and I'm hoping that even though my family is not supportive that I will be able to deal with this process in a more healthy way once I am away from him. Major kudos to everyone who has gone through this before me- this is hellish


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

In total, it seams the best that can happen to you. It's hard now, but after a while you will find someone better!


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