# Time for 3rd party points of view



## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Hello forum members.

1st post but I've been lurking for awhile. I'm a 37yo married man with 2 kids 1 and 4 from the northwest. I'm at wits' end with my wife's attitude and it's time for some 3rd party points of view. I'll try my best to post both sides of our story so we can get proper feedback here and I'm thinking of linking it to her so she reads it. It's likely to be long winded so bear with me. My wife is from Europe, we met in 2002 via the internet and after a few trips to see her we decided to marry and she immigrated to the US in 2003. I was self employed so getting time off to go visit her was easy enough. During these times things in the US were still pretty good, her profession was in demand here, housing was cheap, and airline tickets were cheap so we/she could go visit her family a couple times a year....
Shortly after we married however, all hell broke loose. The cost of owning or renting housing soared sky high here. I had a major setback in my business that forced me to sell my home to bail it out and we had to stay with my grandparents several years. Over time we saved our money while house prices continued to rise out of reach. The dollars exchange rate got too low and my business wasn't making much money, I was forced to run it part time and take a full time job to keep things going. Airline tickets got very expensive and we couldn't afford to visit her family. After struggling thru an education equivalency evaluation while she worked a really CRAPPY job, she finally landed a job in her field. 2007 came and housing dropped, so we finally bought some land and were having a house built. The job was short lived though as then 2008 was upon us and budget cuts came. The institution came down hard on their newest people regardless of their performance....looking for any little thing they could fire her for, verbal abuse and poor work conditions to try to get her to quit, you name it. I was so angry I wanted to go talk to her supervisor but every time I would call or stop by he was conveniently not available. She felt really depressed and trapped because we needed her income to complete our homes construction and had to put up with this crap, and she tried to overdose on sleeping pills to commit suicide. It turned out that the sleeping pills and the anti-depressant she was taking were not compatible. She used her PTO days and took leave until the layoffs we knew were coming finally came. She went on unemployment and things stabilized a bit and "we" got pregnant.
I ended up hurting myself with the physical nature of my work and play, had to close my business, was given the "light duty" letter from the doctor, and got demoted at work to a truck and forklift driver. We had a manager leave one of the office positions a few months later and with my prior business management experience I persuaded the boss to give me a shot as his replacement and I've been here ever since.
The last few years have been very rough, our department struggled to get contracts and laid off a bunch of people. I was working a lot and wasn't giving my newborn daughter the attention she deserved because I was trying my hardest to keep my job and keep us from losing our new house. We did a lot of our own work on the new house to save money and I did some side jobs and trading to get extra cash and goods despite the pain. Obvious that my wife's profession was in decline and with no jobs available, she entered a re-training program and went back to school. Then her Dad suffered heart failure and passed away.
Stress from her school, a demanding newborn, some post partum I'm sure, a tight budget, and my own problems with my physical pain, sleeplessness, and work, made us really at odds with each other and intimacy went down the toilet and has pretty much stayed there. She was verbally abusive and I couldn't do or say anything right.
We had an un-winding weekend last summer where we took it easy, swam, had some good eats and got drunk, which resulted in the conception of our little boy later that night. Pregnant, she was quite a bit more sociable and we didn't have nearly the issues. She was a trooper and finished school bulging with our 2nd child, actually going into labor a little early, the last evening of school. She does the laundry and keeps the house OCD clean, which I wish she would back off of with our workload and take it a bit more easy. 
As a father, of course I'm more excited to have a little boy, it's just that way when you are a dad. Work stabilized and I was able to sideline my activities(I like to fish and I race a go-kart a few times each year) to help more with the kids and around the house. I cook dinner when I come home from work, cook breakfast on the weekends while she sleeps in, and give as much as I can in my condition. Sleep is still an issue but I recently had nerve ablation and steroid injections and it has provided some relief. The last 3 months, we've been sliding backwards again and the cold shoulder, yelling, and blaming has resumed. We're trying to get her mother a Visa to come visit and it's been a huge hassle which hasn't helped. Coming off of winter season, our yard needs a lot of cleanup and work. She'll complain about it to me on a Sunday evening for instance. Monday I'm up at 6:30 and off to work, she's off for her 2pm-10:30 shift and the kids either get a sitter or go to grandma's. I'm off work, pick up the kids or help grandma with dinner and dishes, and then head home and I'm not there until 8-9pm and it's dark. Kids are handful to get to bed and I might have time to check email and maybe play a war game on the computer for 30 mins before I crash. 
Then I'll come home the next day when she's off work, and she'll complain....snaps at me like I was a bad dog....that I still didn't do anything with the yard...huh? really?
I keep old shoes or flip flops around the back door and garage door to slip on so I don't have to crouch over and hurt myself putting shoes on, but she says they are ugly and throws them out. I used my work bonus to put down on a new car for her, and instead of a hug and a "thank you" I got "it's about time".
Our city had a spring cleanup day with free disposal, I'd planned to tackle the yard then. She gets called into work, I end up cooking 3 meals, doing dishes, and watching the kids all day, and the next morning I'm getting flak again for not having the yard done???
Lately she has been wanting a new cell phone and a good camera for family photos and such, and hasn't been too nice in reminding me about it. The ones we have work, but are basic and so-so quality I admit. Saving up for things has been slow with paying off our sons childbirth. No sooner than I had the money ready and was going to order the camera for an anniversary gift, the fridge part of our fridge craps out and food starts spoiling. The repair was quoted at the same cost of a new fridge, DIY was out of the question as appliance companies no longer make the lines and compressors accessible and serviceable ... so I was forced to buy another one. 
I call home from work today to see how she is doing and she just starts laying into me over the same things again....crappy cell phone...camera...yard is a mess....somehow the dead fridge is my fault when I did buy a supposed top of the line one to begin with...etc etc etc. Again she works her ass off and deserves it, but she completely ignores that fact that we don't have the $$$ at the moment due to the fridge purchase and there isn't anything I can do about it. 
It's not like I've blowing the money in the bar or anything, in fact I've only been fishing twice and racing twice this year for a cumulative cost of ~$200, but you would think I snorted all the camera money up my nose the way she is treating me over it.
I'm feeling very offended, un-appreciated, and really have no motivation to do anything for her at this point. What the heck is her problem?


Sorry for the long post, opinions are appreciated.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Your wife is stressed and tired. She needs to be made to feel like a woman and have someone love her worries away. Even if only for a little while. Be a strong man that adores his wife. Set the mood, seduce her and make it be all about her. She may resist at first. A stressed woman is hard to entice. Be patient, use your skills and you will surely reap the benefits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Is she on any medication? Some medications have pretty bad side effects.
Did she mostly change after the birth of her first child, then again after the second? If so, it could be post partum, which is really a hormone imbalance. This would also explain the low interest in sex.

In addition to that, your life does seem a bit stressful, not sure what you can do about that.

Look into the hormones, but don't get an antidepressant, try herbs, they worked wonders for me and don't have all the nasty side effects.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> Your wife is stressed and tired. She needs to be made to feel like a woman and have someone love her worries away. Even if only for a little while. Be a strong man that adores his wife. Set the mood, seduce her and make it be all about her. She may resist at first. A stressed woman is hard to entice. Be patient, use your skills and you will surely reap the benefits.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. 

Also I will add she needs quality time from you. Her shift and yours isn't allowing for that. Something needs to change. I realize times are tough but your wife is your life.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Wow. Sorry to read your story....

Okay, so life is pretty tough right now, and it's not going to get snapyourfingers easy anytime soon. It just isn't.

I did read that you do have some activities. Good for you. 
What does she have? It doesn't matter it it was $200 or free. You get the chance to go do fun stuff. Does she? You also get time to play video games?

Big red flag that she was on anti depressants and tried to committ suicide. Is she seeing anyone like a doctor about this? 

Do the two of you go out on dates? Do you want to?
The horrible stress of everyday life has to be relieved. You seem to have some outlets. Does she? 

Any chance the yard is her relax zone?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would like to add to what the above posters said, stressors of life often take precendence in marriage when really the marriage should still take precendence. This is far easier said then done. A marriage (I saw this quote recently) is like a box, it starts empty every day and you have to put things in before you can take things out. Set aside the money issues, or sit down with her and show her the numbers and maybe she will realize (especially since based on your post it seems you run the finances, I used to have this problem with my hubs, until I sat him down and showed him the numbers, now he asks, instead of demands for things). Also you need to have time with each other, alone, no kids, you have a hectic schedule, and it sounds like you aren't making time to relax and let loose as you say. You need more of that... tv time doesn't count, playing on the computer side by side doesn't count, but actual good time together.... it's a constant ongoing effort. Also (postpartum may be an issue- especially given she has been depressed before and attempted suicide) You might suggest some counseling for the two of you and let the therapist recommend that if it comes up. Also not seeing family sucks, so she may have some anger about that, but the important thing is to really talk with each other, beyond the mundane tasks that need to get done, the kids, etc. In fact I would suggest making a family day out of the yardwork, cook outside when it's all done, joke around together while doing it. My husband and I through working on our own marriage have found that the housework/yardwork is much more fun when we do it together and gets done faster when we work together.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, so you both have some resentments building up. You sound like your doing what you can considering the circumstances. But its not enough, her family issues obviously have become more an issue because she sees them less and less now compared to having pretty good access before. Can her mother help her get a ticket instead of you footing the whole bill? and since she isn't having any luck getting here on her own yet? (each go 50/50 on a ticket?)

Your work schedules aren't helping, especially if you don't set a routine to spend some time together. What is she doing, in your opinion to "help" with the yard work? Is there more she could be doing so you don't feel so under appreciated? Your going to have to find a happy medium with goals. Your going to have to work "together" to get some of this done.

You can do the "money jar" trick to work towards certain goals like the camera, you each put in 1.00 per day until you have money to buy the camera you want. You'd be surprised how little 1.00 a day can help you both attain a goal. When you've reached a dollar amount within reason, you start shopping for sales together to get the best value, and you both feel you've contributed towards your goal equally.

Good luck.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

WaitForIt... said:


> Your wife is stressed and tired. She needs to be made to feel like a woman and have someone love her worries away. Even if only for a little while. Be a strong man that adores his wife. Set the mood, seduce her and make it be all about her. She may resist at first. A stressed woman is hard to entice. Be patient, use your skills and you will surely reap the benefits.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's been the case basically, I offered "lets watch a movie and I'll give you a back massage", and got "but I HAVE to get this ironing done" even when I was very persistent.
When I attempt intimacy her body(hips) respond but her mind is off in la-la land and she doesn't want to be gone down on or have her breasts played with.
I've been there and ran myself into the ground trying to please, be nice, set the mood, and it's only good for the "now" if it works at all.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bluecollar said:


> That's been the case basically, I offered "lets watch a movie and I'll give you a back massage", and got "but I HAVE to get this ironing done" even when I was very persistent.
> When I attempt intimacy her body(hips) respond but her mind is off in la-la land and she doesn't want to be gone down on or have her breasts played with.
> I've been there and ran myself into the ground trying to please, be nice, set the mood, and it's only good for the "now" if it works at all.


I can hear what you are saying... behind what you are saying.
Beyond asking for advice, because you have been there, done that. It's understandable.

One of you has to be willing to say and think.... try again.
Is that something you are willing to do?
Since you are the one who is here.... it's up to you.

There is an analogy that you will "give" to your partner in the way you know how. Quite often, your partner's response button is not the same. A massage sounds great to you. Maybe her act of love would have been helping with the ironing? Seems strange, but then every person is unique. 

Sometimes it takes a willingness to forego what you think romance and love is, and look hard at what your partner is asking for. 

This will take patience. It will not change overnight.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You have had a lot of good advice already so I will just throw in that you might find it helpful to read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages.

Of course you have to focus on Her Needs. Then you might get something back.

Your life sounds tough; you have my sympathy. It may take time but nothing lasts for ever, so with luck your present problems may disappear with time. Most of us have been in a hard place one or more times in our lives. Generally, with perseverence one can come through.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

We are just about to exit hell when I take a look at things. Both of us are working good paying jobs now, and down to 3 months left on the hospital bills for the baby. Housing is rebounding and we have a pretty nice place for the payment....but it does still have some first-house-itus that needs to be addressed like more decorations photos and nicer drapes. Again more $$$ and things we'll have to tackle over time. I only hope she makes it and I'll certainly try harder.
Photography is about the only thing she seems to be interested in as a potential hobby, she has no interest in karting or fishing and wouldn't even take 15 minutes to learn to cast in the back yard....but she'll clean the fish and certainly enjoys eating them.
She hates the war game I play on the computer, but I do it because we don't have TV anymore. For the cost and 1/2 the screen time being ads it just wasn't worth the $$$ anymore.
She'll get on my case that I should read a book instead, but to be honest I read hundreds of pages of specifications and drawings every day at work and feel like I'm going to go cross-eyed if I read anymore.
When I've had a full day of work, then kids, cooking, and cleaning, 9pm comes around and I need to get off my feet. We live a couple blocks from a railroad spur which see's some activity/noise until around 10:30 and then I crash, otherwise I'd be out as soon as the kids were down.
It's confusing to me why she goes the other way, when I need to unwind I know what I need. She on the other hand, walks into the fire instead.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
Understandibly, your life is hard. It isn't going to magically get all better until the kids are much older. Unless you change it. 

It seems that you are stuck in "who's life is harder" comparison mode at the time. You are the victim. We can offer you sympathy for a few more pages, if that's all you wish. Feel your pain. 

Looking for... words of emotion. Put aside all that you do in a day, and really look at yourself and your wife. Do you still love her? 
Are you too burnt out and tired to do so? 

So, what would your life look like if you left your wife and kids?
Would it be easier? Would you freely have the time to fish and play computer games and not feel guilty? How would your finances look? Would you be happier in a one bdrm apt and just come over to visit? Honesty usually works best. In the end. No judgements from me on that. 

If you do still love your wife, consider this option:
-Suck it up a little bit.

-If you don't like it, change it.
What i mean by this, is... change your life. 
Write down everything that has to be done in your day. 
Organize it a bit. Let some things go. Do this as a family.
Plan family time.
Plan couple time.
Plan alone time for yourself.
Plan alone time for your wife without the kids.

Nothing is going to change, unless you change it. 
It's possible. With encouragement.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

deejov said:


> OP,
> Understandibly, your life is hard. It isn't going to magically get all better until the kids are much older. Unless you change it.
> 
> It seems that you are stuck in "who's life is harder" comparison mode at the time. You are the victim. We can offer you sympathy for a few more pages, if that's all you wish. Feel your pain.
> ...


*This is something I can push harder on. Her "letting some things go" isn't happening, and she is hell bent on being supermom and will have to be dragged away from the kids. We did an overnight without our daughter a couple years ago, and she must have called home 6 times? to see how she was doing with my MIL.
We both got movie passes from our workplaces during x-mas season for the new imax theatre that just went in, and we still haven't used them. I had a sitter lined up and a movie we both wanted to go see, and the day before we would go the movie got pulled*


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Bluecollar said:


> I have a shop in the back yard and have a lot of tools and stuff in there. I would probably keep the house. *She has more interest in the big city condo life in that regard, I'd rather hang myself. Our home is like a little resort to me*, we've got a wood fired hot tub and I love to kick back in that, smoke some fish, have some wine, and have the kids float around with me/us while swallows zoom around overhead.


Maybe this is part of the problem?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Good, those are things you can change. 

It isn't going to happen overnight. You might have to try a few more times before it becomes a new habit. 

You are in the position of being the man of the house.
You can affect some changes... like scheduling couple time, etc. If the movie gets cancelled next time, there should be consequences. 
If not a movie, then you just go for a drive or do something else. And she owes you. Raincheck.

You can also make it clear that it is for the sake of the relationship, that you aren't interested in splitting up, but want to also have a good quality life. And that includes some time spent together as a couple to just nuture the GOOD points about each other.

It's hard to get out of the negative cycle. Little things can help with that... making a point everyday to say a positive thing about your spouse. Noticing something and verbalizing appreciation. Whether it's a text or email, or a hug and a few sentences.

The hard part of this is... you have to be leader. You have to just act that way, and she will either follow your lead, relax and let you back in, or she won't.

It also sounds like you are quite happy with living in the country, and she isn't. You have a good grasp on enjoying the simpler things in life. She is too overwhelmed to see it? Would you be willing to look at this as you could "teach" or lead her in this aspect? Accept that you are different, have differing views on things. No one is right or wrong... but more about seeing things from another view?

You have to be willing to let the past go, a little bit. Start fresh. Start new habits. If nothing changes, and you have, then you need to look at other options. Like divorce.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> Maybe this is part of the problem?


Being from Europe I get it, as there, the best paying jobs are in the big cities. Unfortunately, our larger cities here don't offer much more pay for either of our positions, but the cost of living would be much higher. The cost of our 1800sq/ft home on a 1/4 acre lot with the shop would only get us a 2 bedroom condo there less than 1/2 the size. Here the drive into town takes 20-30 minutes, When we went to the "big city" we were stuck in traffic so bad it took over an hour to go one mile and it was just too much traffic...no accident no construction. We spent $45 on parking that day. It's a place to visit once in awhile to see the sights and she gets that and even admitted she would never want to commute in that everyday, but when she gets in her bad mood its another thing that gets spit in my face.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Blue,
This is kinda pollyanna to say...
but one might consider that maybe she IS conceding, somewhat then. She probably knows how much more you enjoy where you are at, spitting it in your face is more of a "look what I'm giving up for you" resentful comment than anything.

So can you appreciate that maybe she is sacrificing a bit?


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well I think part of it is that she is highly stressed out, but the other big part of it is that she is resenting you. What I mean by that is that you are here around your family and she is not around hers. She is not even in the same country as her family and whether she says or shows it or not, she probably holds a huge resentment towards you for that fact alone. Just by what you said at the beginning that everything was good and you two could visit her family and then everything went south from there. I bet you that is a huge part of her problem. Even though you are trying your best and hardest, it may not seem like it towards her with all of the feelings she is holding back. You need to find something to take the stress off of her, get into MC, and maybe try your best about planning a family vacation to see her family. Hope this helps and good luck.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Certainly. And I feel bad that because of economical issues I couldn't keep my promises, but there isn't anything I can do about it. We experienced a very nasty real estate bubble here and watched a lot of people spend too much on homes only to have their lives ruined when things tanked. We held back, bought low, and have been moving up the income ladder despite the bad economic situation. Work for me is turning around and we just backlogged about 18 months worth of work and that's the best it has been in years. 
All I'm really asking of her is to turn the verbal abuse into constructive requests and understand the "material" needs will have to be tackled piece by piece as the $$$ becomes available....i.e....do the math and don't bite my head off.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have you ever told her this?


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Dragon, yes I am sure that is part of it and I understand. We've had her mother and/or brother over to visit and help out annually. With the young kids we don't want to take them on the airplane yet and have them endure the trip as it's very gruesome....18-20 hours by plane, then 15-18 hours by train, sometimes with quite a few hours of layover in between. 
My father comes out and helps with the kids when he can as he works 6 days a week, but my mom is rogue. She is so involved in her job and religion we never see her. So while we are in my hometown, we don't have a lot of support.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

deejov said:


> Have you ever told her this?


Yes of course. I had a her read this thread and maybe it finally stuck better. It seems like she just shuts me out when I am talking about it and writes off anything I say as empty excuses.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Let me add just one more thought. I came here to this forum because I decided I wanted to be a better husband. I told my wife that, made it clear I wanted to change, sought out answers how to do that. I am still working on it - always will be.

A consequence I did not look for is that she became a better wife.

My moral. If you want a better wife, work out how to be a better husband (we all can be). There is no better way to teach than by example.

Good luck.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

deejov said:


> Have you ever told her this?


This and have you tried MC?

You both seem reasonable, but she seems to be on overload and missing her family is not helping. I am not saying you are not on overload, but your family is not on another continent.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well if your wife reads this let her read this by me. I kind of know what she is going through. I lived thousands of mile away from my family before and yes it is hard. Do you guys have skype, fb, or anything of that sort? Besides talking on the phone, those things will help until you can see your family again. Yes it is hard, but it will get better in time and you will see your family again. It seems as though you got a wonderful man and even though times are tough, try not to bite off his head. Work with him and you will see a big change in him as well and that may lead to you seeing your family faster. Hold your head up.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bluecollar said:


> Yes of course. I had a her read this thread and maybe it finally stuck better. It seems like she just shuts me out when I am talking about it and writes off anything I say as empty excuses.


Are they empty excuses?
Honestly... did you promise her a house in the city? Seems like you did. But you would rather hang yourself than follow through with it?


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

No I didn't promise a house in the city. 
We have a really good neighborhood for our kids, many families, lots of kids for them to play with, and pretty clean and safe compared to the "big city" and it's not overcrowded...yet.
Our ultimate goal is to get some acreage in closer to town with a new or existing home as our final property, and have it or a portion of it, available to our children when they grow up. This was what I promised in the beginning but as the real estate bubble came that carrot was dangled out of reach for awhile. With the cost of living here and the way the population is growing, it's going to be key for our kids to have available land for a place to live to be successful and happy, instead of tossing 1/2 their take home pay to the bank or landlord every month. I know that we would both work different and likely lower paying jobs that were more enjoyable if we had gotten land passed onto us to start on and had a lower cost of living.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That makes good sense, Blue.
It seemed like you were in a panic for a larger house? Waiting for the economy to improve, housing markets to settle. But if this is talking about buying land for your kids.....Your kids are young, you have lots of time to worry about that.

So what is she really on about then? You mention her not being patient enough to wait for the $$$ for things. Just the camera?

What is it that she is wanting, and you can't provide, due to the economic downturns and the setbacks you've had?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you and your wife do not work the same shifts, it puts a huge stress on the marriage as it's hard to find time to spend together.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing things you both enjoy.

Usually a couple can do this by spending a couple of hours together on work nights after the children go to sleep. Then one or two longer dates on weekends.

Is there any way at all that you or your wife can change work hours?

Doing a hobby together so that you both learn something together is oen of the best ways to spend this time together. Since your wife is interested in photography, that could be a good joint hobby. Plus you could fill the walls of your home with your photography. 

I think that the two of you would benefit from the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". If you both read and worked through the books I think your could tweek your relationship and end up much happier.

Also, to give you both some encouragement. There are studies that show that for couples who say that they are unhappy... 5 years later 85% of them say that they are much happier and doing very well. So there is a lot of hope in turning your marriage around.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Dee, we lived with relatives for awhile and it sucked. Neither of us liked it but it was very close to my work and allowed us to save our $$$ down for our home and weather the housing bubble. I know she resents me for it but looking back there was no better way.
Had we rented, the cost would have been around the same as our payment is now and we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.
As I already stated we have a nice home but smaller lot and further out then we had wanted. Furnishings and décor are lacking I admit, we're about 1/2 way between bachelor pad and where she would like to be. Hasn't been easy not even so much the money issue, but we don't like this dark wood fad and everything we have is light maple or honey oak and light tweed fabric...can't find anything. We have to watch CL like a hawk when something comes up and I've had to take some ailing pieces of furniture and refinish the tops to fix drink circles and whatnot because we couldn't find anything else.
This is our first house, I had a place prior to us meeting that I rented and then had to sell not long after she came here.
We have not gone on a vacation in a long time, I offered the new car or Hawaii when I got my bonus, she chose the car. Her cousin resides in England and they "travel the world" and I'm always hearing about how they did this and that and we don't....but...they are ~1 million pounds in the hole with credit card and mortgage debt on their home and a rental(s), and are living well beyond their means. I'm more responsible than that and I'm not going there.
That pretty much covers what I know, if there is something else I can't get it out of her.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks, Bluecollar. More details does help.
I'm not much help with the decorating dilemmas, I'm definately a practical person and don't fall too much into desiring a certain look or maintaining lifestyle standards. Just not my nature. 

You say you know she resents you for it, do you think that's really true, or would you assume she does because you feel like you failed? There is a difference 

I guess I would say if I was in that position, I would do what you can, which would be letting go of some of your resentments, and leading a little bit more. I know I said this before, but... (do this together, or share it with her)
-really sit down and organize your lives a bit more
-write out some financial goals
-make budgets for saving for things you want like a vacation

Once you get all that in writing, on paper, and both see what that lifestyle will take, if you want to make the sacrifices to make it happen, that is great! If you don't, then you start striking things off the list. And replace them with other things. 

But first you need to figure out if the resentment is real, and can be overcome. 
Best wishes


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Time for an update.
We had some discussion and she viewed this post, admitted some wrong doing as did I, and I thought we were on a road to better.
I was very firm with getting her away from the computer and out of the books so late at night, so we can watch a movie, have some intimacy, or simply sleep earlier. 
She seemed to respond well and then Saturday comes along. As part of my stepping it up, I got my daughter a new bicycle, got us some tickets to a ballet event at the theater, plus we had a birthday to go to that afternoon.
We took my daughter to one of my wife's classmates kids b-day parties first. They had lived with their relatives just like we did and finally got their house this winter. Because it wasn't new construction, it's done. The backyard was all done up with a little playground, landscaping all done, and more "complete" inside the home with lots of easy to find ugly dark brown furniture. Of course everyone there was tapping away on their iphones, taking pictures with their Cannon's and Nikon's, and it was my wife's triggers to pic the same argument AGAIN about the same things after we had a discussion about available monies in which the MATH said camera next month, blinds the following month, and new phones after that.
It all went in one ear out the other. I'm a "cheap penny pinch", "things are never going to get better", etc etc etc. UGH!
I can't tell you how frustrating this is to be treated like this after taking the steps I have, and could, to move towards making things better. While she does send out the checks each month having more at home time, I am the "account keeper" and it's my responsibility to make sure we have enough emergency money on hand...for thing like a dying fridge for example....hmmm.
I suspect if it was up to her we'd be paycheck to paycheck with zero rainy day money.
This event took us(maybe only me?) backwards big time. It's like it takes more money than I'll ever have to see respect, love, and spread thighs, and even then there is no guarantee per her response to what was supposed to be a fun Saturday. This makes me really upset because money shouldn't be what it's about. I'd still want her if we were to end up in a homeless shelter, but I'd bet that feeling isn't mutual.
I'm fuming at this point.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Bump, anyone?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

not my thread sorry, comp acting up.


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