# Husband cheated lied and left me



## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So, I wanted to tell my story of surviving infidelity. After two months of trying to understand, why my husband cheated. And what kind of mistakes I made for this to happen. Here goes...

My husband and I have known each other for 15 years. We were friends at school. He’s been in love with me since he was 16 years old. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact as the years passed by. By coincidence, we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married.
After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year. (This was his idea).
The last couple of months were tough with the lockdown. Our company had to shut down for two months, his sister getting married and the whole family getting crazy about this special event. We fought a lot. He was never home. Always working or helping his sister planning her special day. He didn’t have any time for his child or me. I ranted a lot, and I mean a lot.

At the beginning of September, the wedding had finally taken place. I’m a photographer and took the pictures, and we were off for a two week holiday. He was in a good mood, making plans for the following days. We were planning to visit the zoo when he gave me his mobile phone to look for the opening hours.
Don’t ask me why, but instead of looking for those hours, I looked at his text messages. What I saw was a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as I’ve never been kissed before. I couldn’t breathe. I threw the phone at him and ran away.
When I came home, he told me she was one of his driver’s students. You have to know we live in a different country, where you have a driving school, with a driving instructor who shows you how to drive a car in about 2-6 months.

She’s seventeen (which is legal age in our country, if her parents agree with it). He is thirty. They have seen each other privately for the last few weeks, and he’s in love with her, but she’s not the reason he’s leaving me. He told me he’s been thinking about leaving me for about nine months because I make his life living hell. I was speechless. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would cheat on me. I tried to reason with him. I asked him what have I done to make him feel like I made his life a living hell.
He didn’t have answers for me. He just wanted out. After a lot of talking, that didn’t help me figure this out at all. We decided on a three-week break because he didn’t know what he wanted. We decided on marriage counseling.

The summary of these three weeks is: He canceled the marriage counseling, and I went on my own. He didn’t feel “ready.” I kept on working in his office. He kept on playing hot and cold with me. He kept on telling me that his feelings for me seemed to vanish from day to day, and his feelings for her grew.

On the last day of those three weeks, we sat in the office drinking coffee, and I asked him if he’d seen her since. What he told me made me dizzy. He had continued to meet her during those three weeks frequently, and he had sex with her the night before in our office, where he has slept since he moved out.
I got up and started to pack everything that belonged to me from the office. First, he was furious, then he left me to my things and came back two hours later. When he saw me packing our son’s playthings, he started to cry. I went to him, trying to talk to him. He told me it was all too much for him.
I told him that I could understand what he was doing. That he felt free with her. No responsibility for his wife and child. No problems. I mean, she is seventeen. She probably adores him, makes him feel special. While I only tell him what we have to do next to keep our business running, listen to his every word.
Afterward, he didn’t say anything. I got up and tried to leave the office. He followed me and held me back. What followed was him begging me to have sex with him one last time.
He said things like, of course, I miss you, I don’t want to admit it to myself, and I love you, but not as much as in the beginning. Let’s have sex, and then we’ll see where this leaves us. We didn’t. I left.

Afterwards I found out that this girl has been in his family’s home weeks before his sister’s wedding. I found out that my husband badmouthed me to his mother the whole time while meeting the other girl. I found out that he wanted to wait until after the wedding to end things with me because I’m a photographer and was booked to take the pictures at the wedding.

I got a lawyer. He got a lawyer. Everything is running its course.

The counselor called him one day and asked if he was willing to meet him. He agreed. He talked to him for two hours, and they decided on a second meeting with me joining in. That meeting was my absolute highlight. It went on for four hours!
My husband told me five times that he was done with me and our relationship and that he was looking forward to us being best friends after our divorce. He finally had the courage to tell me all the reasons why he didn’t want me anymore, always adding that Kathrina wasn’t the reason.
These are the reasons why I’m making his life living hell:
I’m too dominant concerning his business.
I’m calling my parents once a day to ask how they are.
I’m a daddy’s girl.
I can’t admit mistakes.
I rant too much.
I’m thinking too economical, always saving money instead of spending it.

That’s about it. He always seemed happy. He never fought with me. We had a good life. He never said a single thing about any of those reasons he now pointed out.
We decided on another meeting... where I would be able to tell him things that I didn't like in our relationship. Even-though he told the counselor four times he was done with me. Doesn't love me anymore etc. He was kinda talked into another meeting by the counselor.
The counselor told us we shouldn't see or hear from each other for the next two weeks. (Only exception if it's about our boy). We both agreed and I actually felt relieved. Unfortunately my husband wasn't able to keep his promise. I got a text message ever day... every time he picks up our son, he asked what I was doing today, who I was meeting, if there was another man in my life.

On Sunday things escalated. I went to pick up our son from him and told him to just give me our boy and his things and I'm off. He shouted at me, screamed at me in front of our kid. About totally stupid things, like when he was allowed to pick up his dvds. And he told me that people are asking him, what's gotten into me as I'm running around like a *****. Don't ask me what has gotten into him. I am a hundred percent sure, that no one has said such a thing to him. I wear normal clothes. He is jealous cause he realizes me slipping away from him. And people have found out he's having a relationship with a 17 year old girl... which he wanted to keep under the rug.

Two months I've tried to understand him, tried to make this work in whatever way. But after this conversation I was finally done. I told him, that I don’t want any contact with him anymore. That I don’t want to see him, hear from him, or read messages. Only exception is if it is about our child. I cancelled marriage consolation.
And I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, he couldn’t accept it at first and has tried to reason with me, telling me that he thinks it would be good for us to keep on going to marriage counseling. And how sad he is that all of this is happening right now.

For a second, I thought about this being the right or wrong decision, not going to counseling anymore, now that he seems to want to. But I know now that this is only a way for him to bind me to him again. He hasn’t and won’t change. He’s still with the teenager and only wants me as his other option if this doesn’t work out in the end.
I told him: “I am not sad, that all of this is happening. I am sad, that you gave up on our family. I tried everything I could. But now I’m done. This is on you and I’m working on my life now without you.”

I haven’t heard from him since.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

While he’s still seeing his girlfriend any counselling is a complete waste of time. He’s just using delaying tactics, trying to save face because of the young girl he’s been cheating with. 
You should expose him to everyone.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

I already did. He's not that happy about it and is trying to tell everyone that we've been separated for months and he met her later... and she's 21. Which is a complete lie.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I know this must seem bizarre and otherworldly to you, but he is actually following the script right out of The Cheater’s Handbook to the letter.
It’s downright surprising how similar they all act.

Everything from rewriting history in saying he’s been unhappy for long time to stonewalling the counseling to being hypercritical of you to the rages to using the separation time to hook up with and further the relationship with the girl - it’s all in the script. Everything.

And you feeling a sense of freedom and relief once you separated yourself from the crazy is also pretty par for the course. Continue to do so. 

The best thing you can do at this point is to protect your assets, get as far away from the crazy as you can and make a good life for yourself as you leave him behind in the scrap heap he is making of his own life. Don’t let him make a scrap heap of yours.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I know this must seem bizarre and otherworldly to you, but he is actually following the script right out of The Cheater’s Handbook to the letter.
> It’s downright surprising how similar they all act.
> 
> Everything from rewriting history in saying he’s been unhappy for long time to stonewalling the counseling to being hypercritical of you to the rages to using the separation time to hook up with and further the relationship with the girl - it’s all in the script. Everything.
> ...


Really? I have to say, that I have never had to deal with anything like this. Not even in my circle of friends, family whatever. So what's next for me and him in line? 
I'm going to stay as far away from him, as I can. I don't have that "longing" to write or talk to him anymore. That's new for me. And if I take a look at my future it doesn't look as dark anymore than it did in the last few weeks. That's something isn't it? 

I often ask myself if I could have done anything different. Especially since the moment I found out. My friends and family would have thrown him out right away. I wasn't ready then.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, don't beat yourself up about this -- it 100% his fault that he cheated -- and he did it why? Because he's a cheater. Sometimes that's all you will ever be able to know. You didn't do anything to cause him to cheat with a 17 year old.

Oldshirt is right -- what he is doing/acting is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Read more here and you will see. He's nothing special in this regard. Just a run of the mill cheater.

You weren't ready then to throw him out, but you are NOW, and that is what is important. Everyone processes things at their own speed, NOT at the speed of family, friends, or Internet chat folks!


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Mara.May said:


> I often ask myself if I could have done anything different. Especially since the moment I found out. My friends and family would have thrown him out right away. I wasn't ready then.


Believe me Mara.May, we all question things when this happens and second guess our past choices and behavior.
I think it helps us grow and be better in the future, but don't put too much emphasis on it as you were not the cause of his behavior.
Good luck to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s totally lied to you about everything. The reason he no longer has feelings for you is 100% because he chose to give his emotions to the kid. Rest assured this will come back to bite him in the ass and I would bet my next 10 years salary that he will idiotically beg for another chance with you one day. It will deeply hurt him when he sees you with another man, particularly when the kid he’s with changes her mind once she’s dealing with him on a regular basis and their relationship isn’t strictly about sex.
At least you have found out with enough time to restart your life and likely find a man that treasures you. I’m sorry you married a loser.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He relates to the teenager--doesn't have to be an adult. He has been grooming her for some time. She was two when y'all met. Wanting sex one last time with you is insulting--he keeps trying to make you a w----. Please do NOT EVER considering his return. Do not let what others think influence you. Do let them know the truth. 

You sound like a strong woman which I admire, but some folks do not. Find someone who does!

BTW: I do not see ranting as a successful ploy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, the sex with her “one last time” pretty much proves what a narcissistic bastard OP’s husband is. Total lack of empathy. It’s unimaginable that he would think she’d want to have sex with him, knowing that he’s been banging another woman and has told her he has zero feelings for her. He can’t see that she now finds him disgusting, because he has his own delusions of grandeur like every other narcissist. He sounds like a real sad excuse for a person.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Also, it might not be statutory rape where you live, but I would not want my 17 year old being with a married 30 year old father. Her parents may be pissed... His should be ashamed for promoting this!
Did I understand correctly that she is his student (driving)? The power differential ramifications would lead to job loss here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, I'd make sure her parents know about this...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow, what an idiot. Glad you found out as soon as you did!


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, don't beat yourself up about this -- it 100% his fault that he cheated -- and he did it why? Because he's a cheater. Sometimes that's all you will ever be able to know. You didn't do anything to cause him to cheat with a 17 year old.
> 
> Oldshirt is right -- what he is doing/acting is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Read more here and you will see. He's nothing special in this regard. Just a run of the mill cheater.
> 
> You weren't ready the to throw him out, but you are NOW, and that is what is important. Everyone processes things at their own speed, NOT at the speed of family, friends, or Internet chat folks!


Don't laugh at me... is there really a book about "Cheaters" to read about this? Or is it just a saying? 🙈


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s totally lied to you about everything. The reason he no longer has feelings for you is 100% because he chose to give his emotions to the kid. Rest assured this will come back to bite him in the ass and I would bet my next 10 years salary that he will idiotically beg for another chance with you one day. It will deeply hurt him when he sees you with another man, particularly when the kid he’s with changes her mind once she’s dealing with him on a regular basis and their relationship isn’t strictly about sex.
> At least you have found out with enough time to restart your life and likely find a man that treasures you. I’m sorry you married a loser.


I actually agree with you on this... sometimes I noticed his "love for me" steps to the surface while we talked... and the second he noticed he shut down and accused me of something bad or told me how happy he is with her... or what he's doing with her. Don't get me wrong. I don't want that cheating lying man back. But it makes me smile if I think about him having to struggle with his feelings.

And I wouldn't bet on him begging me to give him a chance one day. He's too stubborn for this. But if he really did one day, I hope I can shut the door in his face!


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Also, it might not be statutory rape where you live, but I would not want my 17 year old being with a married 30 year old father. Her parents may be pissed... His should be ashamed for promoting this!
> Did I understand correctly that she is his student (driving)? The power differential ramifications would lead to job loss here.


You understood correctly. She was his student while he fell in love with her. But as his parents own the driving school, there won't be any consequences for him. My in-laws... at least my mother in law knew about the affaire. They just didn't say anything, cause they wanted to get this wedding of their daughter over without any complications. 

After I found out about his cheating I continued to work in their office for a few weeks. My mother-in-law told me to keep on fighting for my husband. That it wasn't anything serious with him and this girl. In the end I found out, that this girl stayed overnight with him in my in-laws home (same room my office table stands) and she lied right into my face.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Yeah, I'd make sure her parents know about this...


They know! He's been in their home... her mother is alright with it. The father only said: So you are the man that has a wife and kid at home... I can't do anything about this relationship but if my daughter's grades get bad at school it's over. 

I was speechless when I heard this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wow, lies lies and more lies. What a scum bag. Claiming that none of this was because he has a 17 year old lover. You have done the right thing. His adoring teenage lover will get fed up with him eventually, and move on to someone of her own age who has no baggage and no child to support. 
Be the best mum you can and I hope you will eventuially meet a good faithful man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mara.May said:


> They know! He's been in their home... her mother is alright with it. The father only said: So you are the man that has a wife and kid at home... I can't do anything about this relationship but if my daughter's grades get bad at school it's over.
> 
> I was speechless when I heard this.


Sometimes parents astound me. Mind you they have probably told them a load of lies about how he had been separated for months before they met etc etc.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mara.May said:


> Don't laugh at me... is there really a book about "Cheaters" to read about this? Or is it just a saying? 🙈


No, there isn't a "cheaters handbook" -- it's just that the same things are done when someone is caught cheating, the same sets of excuses, the same patterns of behavior on the part of the cheater, that it's just referred to that way.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Are you in a country where youth and beauty and not much more are valued in a woman?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes parents astound me. Mind you they have probably told them a load of lies about how he had been separated for months before they met etc etc.


But on the other hand... I have this information from my husband. Who knows if that’s a lie, too... probably is.

Would you call/write the parents?And can you tell me, why you would contact the parents?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> Are you in a country where youth and beauty and not much more are valued in a woman?


Not that I know of. 😉
But perhaps on my husbands little Planet.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I would not want my child taking driving lessons from an agency where the owners/teachers condoned seducing young folks, especially when teacher was married. Advertise the fact that this is an unsafe driving school. 

If you are so undesirable, your husband should have divorced first and then found someone of an appropriate age to look for a relationship. 

You do understand that this position of power over her and the age difference are illegal in many places and you might want to seek legal advice there?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> I would not want my child taking driving lessons from an agency where the owners/teachers condoned seducing young folks, especially when teacher was married. Advertise the fact that this is an unsafe driving school.
> 
> If you are so undesirable, your husband should have divorced first and then found someone of an appropriate age to look for a relationship.
> 
> You do understand that this position of power over her and the age difference are illegal in many places and you might want to seek legal advice there?


Of course I understand and if she were my daughter I would have him arrested! But in our country I ... as the wife... can’t do anything about that. The only people that could go to police are her parents. And apparently they don‘t want to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mara.May said:


> But on the other hand... I have this information from my husband. Who knows if that’s a lie, too... probably is.
> 
> Would you call/write the parents?And can you tell me, why you would contact the parents?


Not sure about contacting her parents to be honest.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Her parents sound whack-a-doodle to me. Who in their right mind would be ok with your 17 year old daughter banging a 30 year old married guy?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mara.May I'm not sure about your country, but in the UK if someone is divorcing their spouse on the grounds of adultery if the spouse has sexual intercourse with them, then they are legally unable to proceed with the divorce as they are held to have forgiven the infidelity. So that, and several other reasons, are excellent grounds for not giving him a farewell encounter.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Mara.May I'm not sure about your country, but in the UK if someone is divorcing their spouse on the grounds of adultery if the spouse has sexual intercourse with them, then they are legally unable to proceed with the divorce as they are held to have forgiven the infidelity. So that, and several other reasons, are excellent grounds for not giving him a farewell encounter.


Unfortunately there is no such a thing in our country. It doesn’t matter, why you want a divorce. Only rule we have is, that you have to be separated for a year before you can fill for divorce.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So wanted to give you a little update. Since I’ve stopped communication with him I haven’t heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.

I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.

There is one thing that’s been bugging me for the whole week. And I’d love to hear your opinion about it, as I‘m not sure if I‘m thinking rationally at the moment or if it’s just anger and will bite me in the a** afterwards. 😂

My husband has told her parents his story of us having been separated for months and so on.
I‘m thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter, stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September, my husband telling me they fell in love during driving school, my husband meeting both me and her during our relationship-break.
You know, only facts, no emotions or accusations. 

Anyone think this is a good or horrible idea?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> So wanted to give you a little update. Since I’ve stopped communication with him I haven’t heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.
> 
> I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.
> 
> ...


Write in more in sorrow than in anger. How you found out about the affair, how sorry you were that he felt the need to seek other female company, especially someone much younger than you, but you hope that their relationship can thrive and continue for many years, because otherwise he will have ended your marriage for no good reason.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So wanted to give you a little update. Since I’ve stopped communication with him I haven’t heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.
> 
> I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.
> 
> ...


Sound like precisely the type of people who don’t care if he is a sleaze bag...I’d have a problem with my teenage daughter dating any 30 year old regardless of the number of zeros that follow his annual salary. I think you’re wasting your breath. Or bandwidth or paper as it may be. 
Is there ANY decent people in the world!?!? I’m so disgusted by everything.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> So wanted to give you a little update. Since I’ve stopped communication with him I haven’t heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.
> 
> I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.
> 
> ...


I think setting the facts straight with his parents is a good idea, to prevent a situation where they might get involved in tarnishing your image. Just say is respectfully, factually, perhaps sadly, but without anger, as @MattMatt suggested. You need to be the better person, not the angry person. And thank them for continuing to take an interest in their grandson. Even if you don't want to.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> I think setting the facts straight with his parents is a good idea, to prevent a situation where they might get involved in tarnishing your image. Just say is respectfully, factually, perhaps sadly, but without anger, as @MattMatt suggested. You need to be the better person, not the angry person. And thank them for continuing to take an interest in their grandson. Even if you don't want to.


I actually wanted to write the letter to the father of the affaire. 🙈 

My in-laws is a different topic. I know that I will have to talk to them someday and I want to tell them, that I know that they know about the affaire long before I found out. And how sad I am, that they lied to me and still do. And how badly they hurt me with all those things they said behind my back even though I did everything for them and their family. But this has to wait right now. Emotions in our family are far too hurt and I want the dust to settle before we do this.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Write in more in sorrow than in anger. How you found out about the affair, how sorry you were that he felt the need to seek other female company, especially someone much younger than you, but you hope that their relationship can thrive and continue for many years, because otherwise he will have ended your marriage for no good reason.


I like your point of view. Gotta add some sorrow to the facts. It's not that I'm not hurting because of this.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So, I wanted to tell my story of surviving infidelity. After two months of trying to understand, why my husband cheated. And what kind of mistakes I made for this to happen. Here goes...
> 
> My husband and I have known each other for 15 years. We were friends at school. He’s been in love with me since he was 16 years old. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact as the years passed by. By coincidence, we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married.
> After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year. (This was his idea).
> ...


You're a good woman. And NONE of this is your fault. NONE of it! I think you've done everything you've needed to try to make this work, and I think it's time to do the 180 on him. I think you're in a healthy place, and that's good. You should stop marriage counseling and go for individual counseling. 

He says he's sad, of course he would say that...he is losing everything that was convenient for him. I'm glad everyone now knows that he is in a relationship with a 17 year old. Funny that he thinks he's finally free of responsibility, but one day the 17 year old will grow up, and either want more from him, or leave him for someone age appropriate. Do what's best for you and your child, neither of you deserve to be around this drama.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mara.May said:


> My husband has told her parents his story of us having been separated for months and so on.
> I‘m thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter,* stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September, my husband telling me they fell in love during driving school, my husband meeting both me and her during our relationship-break.
> You know, only facts, no emotions or accusations.*
> 
> Anyone think this is a *good* or horrible idea?


Please do. They need to know the facts. I would want to know the facts as a father.

Actually, you *must*.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> I like your point of view. Gotta add some sorrow to the facts. It's not that I'm not hurting because of this.


More in sorrow than in anger is a British expression.
"with regret or sadness rather than with anger.
This is taken from Hamlet. When Hamlet asks Horatio to describe the expression on the face of his father's ghost, Horatio replies ‘a countenance more in sorrow than in anger’."








more in sorrow than in anger


Definition of more in sorrow than in anger in the Idioms Dictionary by The Free Dictionary




idioms.thefreedictionary.com




'.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would not write them a thing. They are standing by while their 17 yr old daughter shags a 30 yr old MARRIED man. It’s clear to me that these people have no honor, no moral compass, no empathy for others. 
Give this some time. If you think there is ANY possibility this will work out for these two, you are mistaken. In particular, your husband has zero chance of having a wife he could grow old with. She will eventually dump him like yesterday’s bath water. Rest assured he will come back with his hat in his hand. Please don’t forget how you feel at this time, so you can remember and NOT give him the opportunity to pull these shenanigans on you again.
Please, allow these people he’s with to self-destruct as they deserve.

write a letter to THEM?????????
Hell freaking NO! They should be writing a letter asking forgiveness and expressing their disappointment in their daughter to YOU. Maintain your dignity and don’t lower yourself to communicating with trash.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly, I stopped reading when I saw the part about your weapons-grade douche bag ex taking up with a 17 year old teenage girl. Good God.

The ass-hole did you a HUGE favor. You don't see it just yet, but you will. Oh, you will.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A 30 yr old with a 17? This guy has Nothing but LOW character. A man of honor would not even be seen in public with a child like that. If he had decent people as friends and relatives, they would scorn him and likely distance themselves from him. Mine would.

17 is just awful. 20 would be dumb. 17 is just idiocy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You deserve better than this. This is not a good relationship. This is not a commitment. If you keep him, he will just keep screwing around because you accepted it. 

Show your children what is and what is not acceptable. They are who will learn from whatever you do now. Do you want them growing up to accept a liar and cheater as normal?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> If he had decent people as friends and relatives, they would scorn him and likely distance themselves from him. Mine would.


Mine would, too. Every single person that has talked to me about this, thinks this is awful and how stupid he is for leaving our child and me for a 17-year-old.

Actually this is a very fitting post to what's been going on for me today:
I was able to pick up my new car... as he has taken our family car and doesn't give it back. Both of us know the people working at this car dealer and really every single one of them came to greet me and told me what kind of idiot my husband is and how they don't understand why he would give up his family for a 17 year old. They also told me that he is parading her around in town... going to dinner and so on.

Hearing this hurt. But I also had to laugh when I thought about him being super proud to have his teenage girl on his arm, while everyone else is only shaking their head in disbelieve.
What's buzzing around in the head these days is: A lot of people here or in my circle of family and friends tell me, that one day he'll probably try to get back with me.
I don't think this will ever happen. Why would he do that? He doesn't love me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know what he's done and still doing and I don't want this kind of man back in my life. But is it "normal" for cheaters to try to get back or why do people think that this is possibly going to happen someday.
If I ask people they only say "You'll see." I don't understand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, some cheaters return to Plan B (spouse) when Plan A (affair partner) doesn’t work out.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wise folks learn their lesson and DO NOT consider a wandering cheater a valued commodity.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> Mine would, too. Every single person that has talked to me about this, thinks this is awful and how stupid he is for leaving our child and me for a 17-year-old.
> 
> Actually this is a very fitting post to what's been going on for me today:
> I was able to pick up my new car... as he has taken our family car and doesn't give it back. Both of us know the people working at this car dealer and really every single one of them came to greet me and told me what kind of idiot my husband is and how they don't understand why he would give up his family for a 17 year old. They also told me that he is parading her around in town... going to dinner and so on.
> ...


Do you still hold out hope that he will “come to his senses” and pick you? I’m not judging if you do I’m genuinely wondering if that’s something you might be wishing for. I will tell you that it makes it even harder to think clearly when that is the case, to move forward. It takes a lot more effort and stress to argue with yourself about why you need to move on, and that’s what happens when the groveling begins. 
Anyways, yes, often times when they wake up from the “affair fog” or the limerence, they will try to come back. Your case is a bit more grodie than most though, being that he basically believes he’s found true love with a child. He may be grooming some kind of zombie stepford wife for all we know so I’m not sure if this will be the case for you, but don’t wish for it. The satisfaction is short lived when you’re trying to move on with your life.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, I stopped reading when I saw the part about your weapons-grade douche bag ex taking up with a 17 year old teenage girl. Good God.
> 
> The ass-hole did you a HUGE favor. You don't see it just yet, but you will. Oh, you will.


@She'sStillGotIt ---
Please don't sugar-coat this. You've got a reputation for being too delicate with the OP. You don't want them to misunderstand you, do you?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Do you still hold out hope that he will “come to his senses” and pick you?


Most times I'm looking forward to this new life that's waiting for me. All this bulk that he carried with him. A lot of outstanding dept (that his parents generated over the years), my lying in-laws, him not taking care of our boy. To know that all of this is behind me and I won't spend the rest of my life, having to play nice with these people and help paying back their dept, is a relief.

But there are those moments were I tune out everything he did to me in these last few months and think back to how much fun we had and how I was the one for him. That's when I hope he'll come to his senses one day. I don't think about taking him back. I probably wouldn't be able to. But I really would like to talk to the man I married and find out, what caused all this and what made him leave everything behind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Mara.May your husband sounds like a petulant spoiled boy who wants arm candy. You are better off without him.
What have you been doing for yourself?
1. Expose him to all, your family, his family, the girls family. It is likely the girl will tire of him if she wants to do anything with her life
2. May sure you have a good lawyer
3. Do things for yourself, take care of yourself, go out with your friends, enjoy hols, etc
4. Never ever take him back, he sounds very irresponsible, and not husband material. he seems to only be there for the fun times. His parents never taught him how to be a man.
His mother sounds awful, why would you want to be married into this family. They never supported your marriage.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Mara.May said:


> Most times I'm looking forward to this new life that's waiting for me. All this bulk that he carried with him. A lot of outstanding dept (that his parents generated over the years), my lying in-laws, him not taking care of our boy. To know that all of this is behind me and I won't spend the rest of my life, having to play nice with these people and help paying back their dept, is a relief.
> 
> But there are those moments were I tune out everything he did to me in these last few months and think back to how much fun we had and how I was the one for him. That's when I hope he'll come to his senses one day. I don't think about taking him back. I probably wouldn't be able to. But I really would like to talk to the man I married and find out, what caused all this and what made him leave everything behind.


It’s a natural reaction to want to know why, that will soon fade. I also searched for answers on why my ex decided to throw away a 28 year marriage and cheat, didn’t last long though, just let it go!
Good luck, sounds like you’re doing great 😊


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Woman and men think a wee bit differently.
As a man, I can tell you that even though he has zoned in on this child that he enjoys sex and “showing her around town” at the moment, This nonsense will not last forever. When he gets dumped and come back down and has nobody—- he will show up wanting forgiveness. He will start thinking about all the things you added to his life and how much he enjoyed your company, and remember his feelings for you— then he will start thinking about you with another man, and will be crushed.
You, in the other hand, didn’t have such a great deal with him at all. YOU will flip the switch and likely never have the slightest thought of him. As soon as some other man comes along Nd your interest is focused on him, he will have no chance. From my experience, once the switch is flipped, it’s off forever. His switch can be tripped back to the on position, and likely will be, when his toy breaks or gets taken from him.

I hope you don’t take a guy like this back. If you did, your happiness would undoubtedly be short lived.

hang in there. Thus will be in your rear view, and you’ll wonder howyou ever tolerated him to start off with.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> When he gets dumped and come back down and has nobody—- he will show up wanting forgiveness.


Which will likely not happen in the near future. As it seems her mother is over the moon, that her daughter has snatched the rich driving school owner and will be Mrs. XY in the near future. That's what she's telling people. What kind of mother is this?!?



Evinrude58 said:


> As soon as some other man comes along Nd your interest is focused on him, he will have no chance.


This is something that is definitely possible. But I'm nowhere near ready to let another man into my life.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wondering how his prospective MIL will react when it comes to light that not only is he not Frohen Nikolaus, but his family debt is all that of both Belsnickel and Krampus?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> Which will likely not happen in the near future. As it seems her mother is over the moon, that her daughter has snatched the rich driving school owner and will be Mrs. XY in the near future. That's what she's telling people. What kind of mother is this?!?
> 
> 
> This is something that is definitely possible. But I'm nowhere near ready to let another man into my life.


Exactly the type of mother who thinks her 17 year old banging a 30 year old is acceptable. I hope you get a good settlement in your divorce while he still has “wealthy man” status. The whole situation seems like a bunch of starving wolves fighting for scraps.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> The whole situation seems like a bunch of starving wolves fighting for scraps.


Let the wolves have him... sooner or later they'll see that the "wealthy man" is all show and there's not much to gain.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Mara.May said:



As it seems her mother is over the moon, that her daughter has snatched the rich driving school owner and will be Mrs. XY in the near future. That's what she's telling people. What kind of mother is this?!?

Click to expand...

*THAT is freakin' priceless.

I'm guessing mother dearest and 17 year old Lolita live in the trailer park if they think some guy who owns a driving school is "rich."

That's hysterical.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd grab myself a front row seat in a huge overstuffed armchair, a bucket of popcorn, and a 72-ounce bladder buster soda and sit back and watch the show. The eventual train-wreck IS going to happen, not sure when but it WILL happen. You'll want a front row seat for THAT **** show. 🤣 🤣 🤣

Just don't be foolish enough to listen to this piece of human garbage when Lolita eventually dumps him for the 20 year old "man" who works the drive-through at Wendy's. Low lives like your husband usually come sniffing back to their *default option* - which is you - when their little Shangri-La blows up in their face. And of course, they'll be full of lies and platitudes about how they realize NOW how stupid they were and how it's YOU they loved all along and blah blah blah. Don't waste your time listening to his bull-****.

Why on earth ANYONE would even consider being some lying loser's consolation prize is a mystery to me.

DON'T be foolish if and when he comes sniffing back around. If he comes around, I'd kick his ass so hard back out onto the street that his mother would feel it in Oshkosh.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, if I were you, I'd grab myself a front row seat in a huge overstuffed armchair, a bucket of popcorn, and a 72-ounce bladder buster soda and sit back and watch the show. The eventual train-wreck IS going to happen, not sure when but it WILL happen. You'll want a front row seat for THAT **** show. 🤣 🤣 🤣


You made me laugh so hard... I have to print it out and pin it to the wall. 🙈 😂

Thinking that he's rich is only owned to his Porsche and our big family car that he's driving Lolita around right now. What she unfortunately doesn't know is, that they are only on lease. I would love to see their face, when they find out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He won't be a rich owner of the company when you get half of it in the divorce!


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So today he picked up our son and was in complete shock that I didn’t hand him over this time. My Dad did. Haven‘t seen him for two weeks and with my Dad doing me this favor from now on.
He got out of the car and instantly started to cry. I don’t know if it was because of the situation, our son or my dad.
He walked up to my dad and wanted to lean on him and said “I’m sorry for what happened last time picking up our son. I want to apologize.”

WHAT?!? 

Just for the record. Last time he accused me of dating other man and dressing like a who**... in front of our child. 

So back to the topic. What’s his game? I didn’t get any apology up until now. Crying? Is he serious? 🙄😤


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> You made me laugh so hard... I have to print it out and pin it to the wall. 🙈 😂
> 
> Thinking that he's rich is only owned to his Porsche and our big family car that he's driving Lolita around right now. What she unfortunately doesn't know is, that they are only on lease. I would love to see their face, when they find out.


Even a lease on a nice car costs a fair amount of money. You may not be fully aware of his true financial situation. It's in your best interest to assume he's hiding money... lots of it... maybe he hasn't been legit in the earnings he reports for taxes. Maybe he's been siphoning money off to the side. Don't assume that you know everything about this man. Because, clearly, you didn't! There may be money he's been spending on Lolita that you're not aware of.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You may not be fully aware of his true financial situation. It's in your best interest to assume he's hiding money... lots of it...


Oh if this would be the case...
It's not. I know about every single thing. He trusted me before all of this happened and I've been at every appointment with bankers and tax consultants.
But thank you for your advice!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> Oh if this would be the case...
> It's not. I know about every single thing. He trusted me before all of this happened and I've been at every appointment with bankers and tax consultants.
> But thank you for your advice!


There is an alternative scenario then, in which you have the upper hand, because your knowledge of his finances equates to control.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So today he picked up our son and was in complete shock that I didn’t hand him over this time. My Dad did. Haven‘t seen him for two weeks and with my Dad doing me this favor from now on.
> He got out of the car and instantly started to cry. I don’t know if it was because of the situation, our son or my dad.
> He walked up to my dad and wanted to lean on him and said “I’m sorry for what happened last time picking up our son. I want to apologize.”
> 
> ...


Ok I now have Rihanna playing in my head “you’re so ugly when you cry, trying to apologize...”
Anyhow, didn’t you get the memo? You’re supposed to be a mess, weeping and begging and also anger and drama. All of these things help the cheater feel valid and worthy. How else will he feed his ego now?
Or he’s looking down the barrel of the holiday season and realizing that his girlfriend doesn’t even have wisdom teeth let alone the ability to give him the warm fuzzy family feeling that comes along with the season. Who knows. Whatever his game is it’s 100% selfish and self serving, make no mistake about it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think the crying stuff is a show -- he is trying to manipulate your father (and via him, YOU) -- HE is the aggrieved party. He just wants to be great friends and you are ruining it.
Basically, he's full of BS.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> So today he picked up our son and was in complete shock that I didn’t hand him over this time. My Dad did. Haven‘t seen him for two weeks and with my Dad doing me this favor from now on.
> He got out of the car and instantly started to cry. I don’t know if it was because of the situation, our son or my dad.
> He walked up to my dad and wanted to lean on him and said “I’m sorry for what happened last time picking up our son. I want to apologize.”
> 
> ...


Your H is a man child with no back bone. he is probably spoilt by his mother and has never had responsibility. I think you have made a lucky escape. Divorce him asap.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

I really thought he didn't mind not seeing me. That he didn't care at all, that my Dad is doing the pick-ups from now on.

WRONG.

Today he texted that he wanted to see his son more often and while we were discussing this, he turned angry and wrote: "You didn't see how sad he was, when I had to leave again. Cause YOU WEREN'T THERE for pick-up. TWO TIMES!"

And complained that I should stop calling him by his full name. I know how much he hates that. But no more nicknames for my soon-to-be-ex-husband. 😁


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> I really thought he didn't mind not seeing me. That he didn't care at all, that my Dad is doing the pick-ups from now on.
> 
> WRONG.
> 
> ...


The quicker you have your lawyer sorted the better, this man is incorrigible!
You should tell him, he lost all rights to dictate anything you do once he went and f***** someone else and since you have started divorce proceedings. His son would not be sad if your POS STBXH hadn't walked out on the family. 
He sees his son as often as the courts decide, no more no less.
Tell him to now F off and not to contact you unless it is specifically about son and not your behaviour/actions etc. Continue to call him by his full name. That is your choice. 
He is still trying to control you and maybe have you as a friend later, tough titty after what he has done, he deserves nothing but contempt.
Go no contact, delete anything he sends you after this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What's normal is them to come back around to see if there's any way you'll still have sex with them so that they can have two people to have sex with.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Only a few days later and I'm already relieved, that I didn't send that letter. We found out by coincidence, that a good friend of my cousin's best friend is working with the father of the girl. The father told his colleagues that his daughter has a new boyfriend, who is a little bit older. So 13 years is a little bit. Good to know.


I'm applying for a new job, have made some new friends in my son's playgroup and I can keep from stalking my EH on social media. Thats the positiv side.

On the other hand I'm thinking a lot about the past. I miss our life, the conversations, all the fun we had. And I wonder how can he sleep at night... in his former children's room - our office, that I set up - in his parents house. I wonder what he'd been thinking when he started the affair. Leaving me out of this - as he seemed to have problems with me (that he should have told me, so that we could have worked on them). But there are so many other things. He must have known, that he wouldn't see his son as often anymore. That he'd lose all of my family and relatives, who he adored. He also lost all of our friends (as most of them were my friends when we started dating). And to top it of I managed his business - he must know that he's not capable of doing this on his own. How will he make it work. I'm sure that teenage girl won't help him while she's studying for graduations.

I know all of this is not my problem and I should concentrate on my life, but I can't shake these thoughts of. Is his brain that full of fog, that he's only thinking about bedding her?


From what I heard he is now friends with people of the age of 17-19. All of them former driving school students and probably classmates or whatever of the girl. It's like he's been put into a time machine and he's back in his 20s.

His 30th birthday was in January. I remember him being in a bad mood weeks before his birthday. I couldn't understand at the time. I turned 30 a few months before and embraced it. I was so content with my life. Married, Healthy, Family, Friends, Little Baby Boy... I tried to brighten his mood. Told him, how much we had achieved and what a wonderful life lay before us. If I had only known.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Missing the good times, the companionship, is normal. His actions have a tendency to make you doubt--don't do that. Questioning why is futile. Bottom line is he is SELFISH in everything.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So I'm wondering.. is the fog lifting already.. or is he just trying to manipulate me again.
I haven't talked to him for four weeks. Haven't seen him either.

Today we had to communicate though because of some documents concerning our son.
He's been ultra friendly. After every message saying "Thank you".
And the last message he sent he ended it with: "I wish the both of you a great day. How are you doing?"
I didn't respond.

Now he wrote me if he could call me later concerning these documents. I don't want to talk to him. But I have to know what going on with those documents. Why can't he just write it. Why do I have to hear his voice!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That “relationship” may not be working out.

You could be Plan B.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mara.May said:


> So I'm wondering.. is the fog lifting already.. or is he just trying to manipulate me again.
> I haven't talked to him for four weeks. Haven't seen him either.
> 
> Today we had to communicate though because of some documents concerning our son.
> ...


Tell him you prefer to keep your communication in writing. Don't speak to him.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Openminded said:


> That “relationship” may not be working out.
> 
> You could be Plan B.


Right now it's working out just fine.. from what friends see on instagram. But yeah plan "B" could be possible.
Definitely don't want to speak to him.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So I told him, that I wouldn't be talking to him and he can write me a text message or write me. Now he's freaking out!
"Where are you"

"Why won't you talk to me"

"Where is our son"

"Why wouldn't you be able to talk to me"

"This is not funny"



I think it's hilarious.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

OR maybe his cheating relationship is good and now he wants to 'make nice' so he won't feel so guilty...


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> OR maybe his cheating relationship is good and now he wants to 'make nice' so he won't feel so guilty...


I don't think there's a single bone in him that feels guilty. He probably doesn't even know how to spell it.

After trying to convince me for two! hours to take his phone call... cause it was oh so important and far to complicate to write... he surrendered.
Told me I was being childish and he was able to write his questions down in 3 sentences. I'm so proud of him 

He's probably running around now... telling everyone how right he was in leaving me cause I'm far to stubborn and that I'm hell-bent on getting my way... just like he told me when he left.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So I'm wondering.. is the fog lifting already.. or is he just trying to manipulate me again.
> I haven't talked to him for four weeks. Haven't seen him either.
> 
> Today we had to communicate though because of some documents concerning our son.
> ...



He might be trying to feel out the situation because reality is sinking in. Or maybe he realized he has no adults to have conversations with so he’s trying to be “friends” with you. Regardless, it’s a given he wants to use you for something.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> Right now it's working out just fine.. from what friends see on instagram. But yeah plan "B" could be possible.
> Definitely don't want to speak to him.


He posts his relationship with a child on Instagram?!?! What a loser! Yeah, I’m sure they are just blissful, especially if Instagram says so.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When dealing with an unresolvable situation or unanswerable questions, that's when you have to summon all of yourself discipline and just try to stop yourself and reserve thinking about it to a very narrow amount of time and then ask yourself if you have any new information or if there's anything you can do about it and whether it's in your control. And if the answer is no, you make yourself think about something else or do something else. You have control of what you do and when you give attention to something and when you don't but it's a skill we don't often use. But you can use it and it's within your power.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@DownByTheRiver LIKE TIMES 100.... Wonderful approach.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> So I told him, that I wouldn't be talking to him and he can write me a text message or write me. Now he's freaking out!
> "Where are you"
> 
> "Why won't you talk to me"
> ...


Tell him

Dear XX,

I do not want to talk to you as I do not trust you. Text messages will only be used for routine matters. Any communication concerning documents, finances, legal matters will be in black and white via email or through a lawyer.


Yours sincerely,
Make it very formal


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your STBX husband is showing you THIS with his behavior:

He knows you treated him well and are an asset to his well being. He does NOT want to lose you, and us so INCREDIBLY selfish and self centered, that he can’t understand why you’re abandoning him after a little thing like divorcing you and running off with a child. Yes, he is so enamored with a hot young thing that he can’t think straight. It’s really that simple. This guy is not too complex. His every move is easily predictable.

So yes, he will be back and the laughable thing is he won’t be able to understand when you refuse him.

you are so lucky to be free of this low person.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So I told him, that I wouldn't be talking to him and he can write me a text message or write me. Now he's freaking out!
> "Where are you"
> 
> "Why won't you talk to me"
> ...


Reality is sinking in that he no longer has control of you. You can always get the court to order email only through a special website (several) for parents sharing custody and it's controlled and can be used in court if needed. Google email for divorced parents and maybe just block him from your normal email and tell him this is your new email. It's not allowed to be abusive on there.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> He knows you treated him well and are an asset to his well being. He does NOT want to lose you, and us so INCREDIBLY selfish and self centered, that he can’t understand why you’re abandoning him after a little thing like divorcing you and running off with a child. Yes, he is so enamored with a hot young thing that he can’t think straight. It’s really that simple. This guy is not too complex. His every move is easily predictable.



I'm not sure. All those things he told me about why he wanted to leave. How he's not sure if he ever loved me... cause it never felt, like what he feels for her. 

Perhaps he's just trying to be nice cause he wants to have his son more often... actually my mother-in-law wants her grandchild more often. 
Should have thought about things changing when all of them lied and betrayed me. Don't get me wrong I'm not using our child as punishment. They can have him... but they thought things would continue the way like before. Only exception that I wouldn't be present anymore.



Evinrude58 said:


> So yes, he will be back and the laughable thing is he won’t be able to understand when you refuse him.


Sometimes they do... I heard about that. My EH... don't think so. He's too stubborn to admit, that he made a mistake. But we'll see.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“He’s not sure if he ever loved me because it never felt like it does with her.“.....
Please realize that he will be telling her this same line of ******** in the future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mara.May This is your husband.









He wants to eat his cake, yet to also keep it. 

And there's only one answer to that


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> And there's only one answer to that


If he ever knocks on our door again... I'll come back to this and show it to him (hopefully I'll be strong enough... IF this happens)


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mara.May said:


> If he ever knocks on our door again... I'll come back to this and show it to him (hopefully I'll be strong enough... IF this happens)


The way you have handled this terrible situation is admirable. Please keep your strength and don't doubt yourself. He's a sleazebag. If you ever take him back, he'll almost certainly do the same thing again.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

I'm getting individual therapy now, to work through all of those things that happened. 
Had two sessions up until now and she doesn't let me talk about what happened! I mean I told her the rough details... but we are only talking about things that I should be doing for myself.. All about the present. And I wonder does this make sense? I mean shouldn't we be talking about the past to work through this and then start with what's in the present and future? Anyone has experience with that?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> I'm getting individual therapy now, to work through all of those things that happened.
> Had two sessions up until now and she doesn't let me talk about what happened! I mean I told her the rough details... but we are only talking about things that I should be doing for myself.. All about the present. And I wonder does this make sense? I mean shouldn't we be talking about the past to work through this and then start with what's in the present and future? Anyone has experience with that?


No you definitely need to talk about the past, the relationship, the affair the feelings the traumas. My first two sessions were 100% dealing with my issues over the affair and my panic and anxiety because of it, and still are a big part of the sessions. We do now discuss future, and focus on my self healing but also a lot of time spent figuring out how it’s all connected through my childhood and upbringing and even the beginning of my relationship and what I did and did not look for in a man. All of it is connected but the traumas and issues because of the betrayal need to take a front seat in your counseling for a good while....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> I'm getting individual therapy now, to work through all of those things that happened.
> Had two sessions up until now and she doesn't let me talk about what happened! I mean I told her the rough details... but we are only talking about things that I should be doing for myself.. All about the present. And I wonder does this make sense? I mean shouldn't we be talking about the past to work through this and then start with what's in the present and future? Anyone has experience with that?


Raise this issue with your therapist and ask her why she is proceeding in this way. 

If she won't explain, or can't, you should seek a new therapist.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So what now...

After DDay he's blocked me from all of his social media accounts and "unfollowed" "unliked" me everywhere. No problem for me...
But after our discussion where I didn't answer the phone... he suddenly unblocked me EVERYWHERE and is following me again.

And to top it all... he's now also following my new friends from my son's playgroup on social media after that. WTH?!?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So what now...
> 
> After DDay he's blocked me from all of his social media accounts and "unfollowed" "unliked" me everywhere. No problem for me...
> But after our discussion where I didn't answer the phone... he suddenly unblocked me EVERYWHERE and is following me again.
> ...


Have you not come to terms with the fact that he is a mental midget? You keep trying to define him with things like reason, and common sense. He is a grown man dating a teenager, and blames you for making him do it. It surprises me that anything he does surprises you at this point. He is acting the age of the kid he is “in LOVE” with... it’s obvious.

Next up, a folded letter with a “do you like me?” And a yes and no checkbox. 

Look forward, be strong.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mara.May said:


> So what now...
> 
> After DDay he's blocked me from all of his social media accounts and "unfollowed" "unliked" me everywhere. No problem for me...
> But after our discussion where I didn't answer the phone... he suddenly unblocked me EVERYWHERE and is following me again.
> ...


How does he know who your new friends are?


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Have you not come to terms with the fact that he is a mental midget? You keep trying to define him with things like reason, and common sense. He is a grown man dating a teenager, and blames you for making him do it. It surprises me that anything he does surprises you at this point. He is acting the age of the kid he is “in LOVE” with... it’s obvious.


You're right. I often forget what kind of person he is now. And it's hard to come to terms with someone who was a husband and father and acts this ridiculous now. 😂


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> How does he know who your new friends are?


He sees it on Instagram... 🙄


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should block him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> He sees it on Instagram... 🙄


You need to remove this excuse for a man from all of your social media. It will help you heal and move on. No more contact with him except for your kid. until you get strong ask your parents/family to do the communicating or ensure everything is via email. Fake it till you make it.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

I have to rant... so I can stop crying...
In February he made me quit my job and work in his parents business. I agreed... I've always been dedicated to family. I thought this would be our future. Me help saving to pay back all of those debts etc. I knew I would be able to do that...
Then this affaire happened... I was still employed in his family business but on sick leave. Today I found my notice of determination in the mail.
I knew that this would happen. But seeing it for real is something entirely different. There wasn't even a personal note or anything attached. I've helped in his company from day one... never being payed (till February). I did everything for him, his family and that company. Even my parents helped painting in their driving schools etc. And that's what I get... I shouldn't be, but I'm devastated beyond words.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What is a notice of determination?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mara.May said:


> I have to rant... so I can stop crying...
> In February he made me quit my job and work in his parents business. I agreed... I've always been dedicated to family. I thought this would be our future. Me help saving to pay back all of those debts etc. I knew I would be able to do that...
> Then this affaire happened... I was still employed in his family business but on sick leave. Today I found my notice of determination in the mail.
> I knew that this would happen. But seeing it for real is something entirely different. There wasn't even a personal note or anything attached. I've helped in his company from day one... never being payed (till February). I did everything for him, his family and that company. Even my parents helped painting in their driving schools etc. And that's what I get... I shouldn't be, but I'm devastated beyond words.


See an employment law expert.


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

Sfort said:


> What is a notice of determination?


Sorry English isn't my first language... they threw me out of the company. Not employed anymore. What is the right term for that?



MattMatt said:


> See an employment law expert.


It's not actually about the employment or the money for me... I wouldn't have worked there anymore. I'm just so mad at the way they are treating me. We were family, I'm the mother of their grandchild and I did everything for them. And then they just throw me out... while I didn't do anything. It was their son who ruined this family.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mara.May said:


> Sorry English isn't my first language... they threw me out of the company. Not employed anymore. What is the right term for that?


They terminated your employment, fired you, gave you a termination notice. Any of the above.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> Sorry English isn't my first language... they threw me out of the company. Not employed anymore. What is the right term for that?
> 
> 
> It's not actually about the employment or the money for me... I wouldn't have worked there anymore. I'm just so mad at the way they are treating me. We were family, I'm the mother of their grandchild and I did everything for them. And then they just throw me out... while I didn't do anything. It was their son who ruined this family.


I’m not sure of the employment laws in your country, but at minimum being terminated from your job owned by his family should up your child support and alimony. Perhaps you need to talk to your lawyer... I am not usually a proponent of alimony... but in this case they are actively trying to hurt you and their own grandchild, they need to pay the consequences of that. 

Talk to your lawyer and see if you can get an immediate increase in support for being fired by his parents. (Do you have a lawyer?) start getting serious... they are out for blood and you have to protect yourself! He might be trying to come after your kid (full custody) next, watch your back. Please get this taken care of legally, don’t even interact with him AT ALL!

*Also even if you don’t “need” the money or were not going to stay there... I think it’s wise to let them know, legally, you aren’t going to be f#cked over and turn the other cheek. Make your husband think twice before doing some crap like this again. This will save you a lot of heartache in the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know it’s painful but it’s how most families are. Yes, he’s a loser but he’s their loser and they apparently plan to continue backing him no matter what. Ignore them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> I have to rant... so I can stop crying...
> In February he made me quit my job and work in his parents business. I agreed... I've always been dedicated to family. I thought this would be our future. Me help saving to pay back all of those debts etc. I knew I would be able to do that...
> Then this affaire happened... I was still employed in his family business but on sick leave. Today I found my notice of determination in the mail.
> I knew that this would happen. But seeing it for real is something entirely different. There wasn't even a personal note or anything attached. I've helped in his company from day one... never being payed (till February). I did everything for him, his family and that company. Even my parents helped painting in their driving schools etc. And that's what I get... I shouldn't be, but I'm devastated beyond words.


Your location flag looks like you live in Germany. The laws there to protect workers if very good. You could also get free legal aid, get an employment lawyer and go after them for severance pay. Stop being nice, you owe none of them anything. In addition I hope you have a lawyer to sort our visitation etc. Do not simply let them have your kid whenever, sounds like they may turn him against you too. Lawyer up on all avenues!


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

He: How is our son?
Me: He’s fine. 
He: And how are you? 

Ignore or answer something like:
Great
Or: better than ever
Or: doesn’t have to concern you anymore

God, this is so difficult. Him trying to be nice gives me the creeps!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> He: How is our son?
> Me: He’s fine.
> He: And how are you?
> 
> ...


If its a text ignore. If its verbal "I am fantastic." don't show him any weakness. If he probes further "that is really none of your business."


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## Mara.May (Oct 24, 2020)

So..........
I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed.
There are moments were I think: This is wrong... this isn't my husband. This isn't right.
And then I'm trying to draw back... but I can't keep it up that long... cause I MISS him. 
Of course he knows about my story. And he knows that I'm not sure what I want. He gives me all the time I want. Let's me set the "rules".
During the day... when I'm alone or doing my normal chores... thoughts about my husband are being replaced by thoughts about this new man.
And I feel light...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mara.May said:


> So..........
> I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed.
> There are moments were I think: This is wrong... this isn't my husband. This isn't right.
> And then I'm trying to draw back... but I can't keep it up that long... cause I MISS him.
> ...


No judgement, but be careful that you aren’t looking for a way to replace the pain and healing with butterflies. I’m happy that you know you are still attractive and wanted... but you don’t want to kick your emotional healing to the side. I imagine you’re unstable ex will dial up the drama if he finds out, not that he matters, but I wouldn’t want to see you or your kid dealing with unnecessary drama and vindictive behavior from your man-child husband. Get your divorce finalized ASAP!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mara.May said:


> So..........
> I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed.
> There are moments were I think: This is wrong... this isn't my husband. This isn't right.
> And then I'm trying to draw back... but I can't keep it up that long... cause I MISS him.
> ...


You really need to be careful with rushing into another relationship before dealing with the issues you may have caused in the last one, (we all have our problems). Sort yourself out first so you are the best version of yourself before getting involved. A few dates here and there are no harm but not a relationship, it is too early. Sort out the first mess and get a divorce asap.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Mara.May,
It was hard to read your story, but I just wanted to offer support. It must be incredibly difficult to have to be tied to this human garbage because of your son. I was lucky to be able to cut ties and disappear. My ex and I were 39 and 40, he took up with his 19 yo employee. He also wanted to live a spontaneous life, free of responsibility, but didn't have the guts to end of our marriage, even when I found out. 

You're a strong, determined woman, and young enough to have a life with someone who matches you. Stay strong, keep up with therapy and self care and never look back!


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