# Help! This is damaging our family.



## heidi77

How should I deal with my husband and I disagreeing on interracial dating? Our daughter is 15 and dating only consists of seeing each other at school and movies once in a while. However we recently moved and she has became friends with an African American boy across the street from us. They talk everyday and have taken to liking each other. He has asked her to be his girlfriend.I have no issue with this except for the negative comments she may face from my in laws. My husband however is very against interracial dating and has warned her that it will never happen. He has threatened to disown her and says he would throw her out of our home. I would never allow that. I agree that children should follow household rules but I feel like he is being ridiculous with this and Im finding it hard to back him when I don't feel the same way on this issue. I will not teach that sort of hate to my kids. He tells me that if I don't like it I can go too and that nothing will change his mind. He is damaging his wonderful relationship with his daughter and our marriage. I am prepared to support my daughter and leave if it comes to that.I wish he would realize they are teenagers that don't see color. I just don't know what to do and I need to make the right choice. I know boyfriends come and go with teenagers,this is my marriage of 16 years. But I just can't back him when I feel he is wrong in this situation.
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## herblackwings

This is a tough one. I think it's actually more normal to desire your children to date/marry in your own race. In today's society it's only whites who can be labelled racist so when they desire thier children to not interracialy date, it's labelled as hate. But keep in mind most cultures globally wish to keep things in their own tribe. It's been this way since there were more than 2 tribes. So to think what your husband wants is "hate" related could actually be a normal response of many fathers across multiple cultures. It could be a normal human reaction. I struggle with this but my daughter is far from the dating age. The problem for your husband is his reaction might driver her across the street quicker by his attitude. You might want to encourage him to do some research and reading on this. To forbid something on a teenager is sometimes the fastest way to ensure they do something. She's 15 and likely wont marry this kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoninJedi

Speaking as a father of 2 daughters, yes I would rather they date white guys because frankly it's easier that way (no comments from others, etc.). 

*HOWEVER*, I would MUCH rather my daughters end up with black, asian, hispanic, etc. men who will treat them they way they should be, than with white men who will treat them like crap.

Yeah, in this situation your husband is wrong, and I'm not real sure how to get him to see it. Maybe some brief counseling is in order?


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## oddball

I hope my daughters will find a boyfriend/partner who loves them. Making colour an issue is simply errr... Racist actually.


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## turnera

Take him to a counselor and discuss it with a professional.


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## 6301

heidi77 said:


> I wish he would realize they are teenagers that don't see color.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Would be nice if adults wouldn't see color either. Sure make it a better world. 

If I would have found a good woman in my younger years and her skin tone didn't match mine then so what. I wouldn't care if she was a Klingon. If she was good to me and I loved her, I wouldn't give a damn who was unhappy. 

You should tell your husband to take his blinders off and be glad she isn't with someone who treats her bad and abuses her.


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## PBear

Has your husband always been a racist a$$?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heidi77

Actually he hasn't. He has friends of many backgrounds,races,colors. Some that are as close as brothers and that he has grown up with and they are always invited to attend family reunions,dinner,camping,in our house etc. So it seems just with this situation. I do know that when he was younger his mother was raped by an African american. This may have something to do with his reaction. But I still do not agree with him. Thanks for all of your responses I really do appreciate it.


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## Thor

Heidi, I'm the father of two daughters, now in their 20's. Both have had boyfriends I disliked, especially the first boyfriend of the younger daughter. She was 16 I think when she started dating him. They'd known each other at school for probably 6 yrs before dating.

And my personal experience growing up, my parents were Victorian and super worried about what neighbors thought. I dated once a girl a year younger (I was a senior she was a junior) in high school, though we were only a couple of months apart in chronological age. I was sternly prohibited from dating her again because of "appearances".  My longer term girlfriend in high school was highly unliked by my dad. I heard no end of his comments.

Anyhow, the upshot is that you have to outsmart your daughter rather than bully her into not dating someone you don't like. Your husband is only going to push her further into the rebellious mindset. Your daughter will see this boy at school and at parties no matter what. She'll conspire to find ways to see him secretly.

So I would tell your husband to cool it. Yes I know this does not address his bigotry. The thing is that you can use this argument to hopefully get him to back down which is the goal.

I still have some bad feelings about how my parents dealt with my dating when I was a teen. Now as a parent I want to protect my kids but I know they have to be given enough freedom to make minor mistakes. My girls seem to have absorbed my general guidance and information, and they seem to make good choices now. It was difficult to hold my tongue but I tried hard to not be disapproving of their boyfriends, at least not that they could see.

Teen romances don't last. It is probably best to let her see this kid and let the relationship run it's course quickly.

I would concentrate on talking with her about generic dating issues rather than harping on what's wrong with this one boy.

Other issue: You and your husband have to be on the same page with rules for teens. No undercutting each other, and no going around each other's back. If he insists the boy not come into your home, that will have to be the rule unless you want to make this the hill you do battle on.


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## turnera

What Thor said.

On the other hand, she is old enough for birth control now.


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## EleGirl

What your husband is doing will dive them together .. think Romeo & Juliet.

If your husband is serious about breaking up your family over your daughter's teen aged boyfriend.. that will most likely last a few weeks at most, then I guess that's on him.

He cannot however kick you or your 15 year old out of the family home. Let him know that it's your legal residence and if anyone leaves it will be him. This should cool his jets some.

It is not unusual for people to not want their child to date a person of another race. People of all races do this. It's actually very common for blacks to object this. 

However, your husband's reaction is way over board. He's making this friendship much more important than it is.

If I were married to him I'd tell him that he's free to leave if his daughter and family mean this little to him. And I'd remind him that he'd still be paying child support all the way through college and spousal support if I could get it.

Or he could calm down and just let this friendship take it's course. 

I would rather my child find a partner who treated them well then worry about the color of their skin. Skin color means nothing.


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## Holland

Surely you must have know he was a racist before marrying him and having kids?


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## cmc

I'm actually in a similar situation as your daughter myself. My father is making a big deal because the guy I'm marrying is Italian. Technically we're both white. Despite his objections, I'm still going through with it. Your daughter is going to date the guys she wants to. Forbidding her to not date someone will only create resentment. I would try to convince your husband to actually meet the guy. Once he sees he's a good kid his attitude may change.


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## Boottothehead

Maybe you should show your husband that tumblr: we are the 15%, with all of the people who posted pictures after that cheerios commercial aired.


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## LonelyinLove

We are caucasian. Both of our older children dated african amercians. We had absolutely no issues with it.

Our only requirement was that they date someone with different plumbing....


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## DavidWYoung

I think your husband is right. But this is going to end badly because she going to do what she wants, no what her father wants.


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## accept

DavidWYoung said:


> I think your husband is right. But this is going to end badly because she going to do what she wants, no what her father wants.


I must agree with you. Rightly or wrongly if you would stick up with your husband your daughter most likely would stop meeting him. It is you, not your daughter who is at fault and causing the strife.


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## turnera

Tell him that the harder he puts his foot down about this, the more attractive he makes this boy look.


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## tulsy

LonelyinLove said:


> We are caucasian. Both of our older children dated african amercians. We had absolutely no issues with it.
> 
> *Our only requirement was that they date someone with different plumbing...*.


Being homophobic is no better than being a racist.


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## mace17

I am honestly appalled that anybody could think the father is right here for judging the boy based on his skin color. I know there is still racism in the world, but I have never understood it. My daughter dated several African-American boys when she was in high school, and I had no problem with it as long as they treated her well. I don't think skin color should matter at all - it's what's in the inside that counts. I say good for your daughter for being able to see past skin color and finding a friend. And if that was my husband, I would not let him give our children racist attitudes and he would be gone so fast he wouldn't know what happened.


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## CantePe

*Re: Re: Help! This is damaging our family.*



tulsy said:


> Being homophobic is no better than being a racist.


No kidding :banghead:


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## LonelyinLove

tulsy said:


> Being homophobic is no better than being a racist.


Sticks and stones.....:lol:

Just for kicks and giggles...the suffix "phobic" indicates a fear of something. I'm not afraid of homosexuals. Actually, I'm not afraid of much at all.

Disagreeing with something or someone does not make one "phobic"....

I base my own opinions on my religious beliefs, not on political correctness. While my Faith says little to nothing about inter-racial relationships, it says plenty about same-sex ones.

Frankly, I couldn't care less who someone sleeps with. I do, however, care what the God I claim to worship thinks. 

If any of my four children decide to pursue a same-sex relationship, they better logon to LendingTree.com and find a place of their own, because it won't happen under my roof. 

The fact that you disagree is your right, it is, however, meaningless to me.


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## Unique Username

Romeo and Juliet

didn't they commit suicide?

She may WANT to date the kid simply to explore WHY her Father is SO against it. She may make up her own mind about things.
When she goes off to college she'll date whomever she pleases anyway.

I would more worry about teaching her boundaries, how a good man should treat her period and those sorts of things.

Do you live in a town where the white boys would no longer date her because she dated a black boy? That still happens in many communities. 

Truly, having an extreme point of view and forbading a teen from doing something is exactly the thing that will drive them to it.

I hope whomever she dates is a kind, nice, gentle, caring, compassionate, intelligent and wonderful person. Those things are much more important than the color of the package.


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