# Am I deluding myself?



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Couple things.

1. Why is ED associated with shame? That would be like being ashamed than I have heart disease. Make's no sense, to me. If you have a problem, fix it, if possible. I do have heart disease and I do have ED. Both completely treatable and sustainable long term. (so far, for me)

2. Why does porn get such a bad rap? I actually use porn as an ED aid. In fact, I probably watch it every other day regularly, sometimes right before or even during sex. At 55 years of age, being married for 25 years, it simply helps get my mind in gear. My wife and I have been having the best sex of our lives, twice a week like clockwork. 

Am I deluding myself?

What say ye?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

UMP said:


> Couple things.
> 
> 1. Why is ED associated with shame? That would be like being ashamed than I have heart disease. Make's no sense, to me. If you have a problem, fix it, if possible. I do have heart disease and I do have ED. Both completely treatable and sustainable long term. (so far, for me)
> 
> ...


I'm ashamed that I am no longer a competitive athlete. It all depends on what you're willing to settle for.

Porn gets a bad rap from people who don't have it hanging on the wall of their trailer home. If you live where you neighbor object to seeing it you don't leave it out on the coffee table. If you wife objects to it then you stop watching it. All a matter of perspective.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

A guy who had ED who cannot perform is going to naturally feel ashamed that he cannot fulfill his manly duties, regardless of whether it's his fault. 

Sometimes guys use porn so much that it "burns them out" and they cannot perform with their partner as a result, so there's a correlation between ED and Porn, although not all the time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

UMP said:


> Couple things.
> 
> 1. Why is ED associated with shame? That would be like being ashamed than I have heart disease. Make's no sense, to me. If you have a problem, fix it, if possible. I do have heart disease and I do have ED. Both completely treatable and sustainable long term. (so far, for me)
> 
> ...


1. I agree, I don't understand the shame. I suppose it's mostly due to (in the US, at least) to our society's unrealistic expectations of hypermasculinity in men. If we can remove the shame of ED, more men would get treatment, and perhaps better deal with the mental/emotional issues causing psychologically-induced ED (as opposed to physically-induced ED).

2. In the US, it's that old Puritanical influence coming back to haunt us. Americans are way too uptight when it comes to this stuff. My mom always taught me and my sister that porn was degrading and disrespectful to women. As an adult, I don't buy into that at all--her opinions were a combination of her insecurities and her religious fanaticism. Porn turns me on, it turns my partner on. He gets ideas from it. It doesn't mean that he values me any less, or that he's comparing me to those women--I've never thought that, not in the least. The only time that porn really becomes a problem is when one partner is using it as a substitute for intimacy with their real-life partner, and is neglecting their partner's physical needs. Or if there is a porn addiction. These are very bad for the relationship. My XH did this (the former), and it isn't the only thing that destroyed our marriage, but it was a really big factor. (Of course, if two partners have very divergent attitudes about porn, that could definitely push them apart as well.)

I don't think you're deluding yourself. If your wife is OK with it, I don't see a problem.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> I'm ashamed that I am no longer a competitive athlete. It all depends on what you're willing to settle for.


I can understand that except for the fact that my erection at 55 years of age is actually bigger and harder than that of my 18 year old self. I call that a "win-win."


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A man and his penis are mirror images.

Kill the image, kill the man.

Women expect men to be able to perform. And rightly so. Women react to a man's ED as a personal affront, as in rejection? This is not fair, is not the correct response, but that is the general reaction.

Those men who can fix this issue should. Those who cannot die inside.

There are no Eunuchs in Eden or in a man's Heaven.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

caruso said:


> A guy who had ED who cannot perform is going to naturally feel ashamed that he cannot fulfill his manly duties, regardless of whether it's his fault.


It's very treatable. As I said previously, and I am not joking, my 55 year old erection crushes my 18 year old erection. IMO one should be ashamed for not addressing the issue IMMEDIATELY.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> The only time that porn really becomes a problem is when one partner is using it as a substitute for intimacy with their real-life partner, and is neglecting their partner's physical needs. Or if there is a porn addiction. These are very bad for the relationship.


I have to agree here. One thing I did not mention is that I rarely masturbate while watching porn. The orgasm is only for my wife. I typically watch it for awhile and then my mind wanders toward my wife. In other words, I watch and then superimpose my wife as the women in all the acts. The thoughts linger for hours sometimes.

I guess it's like watching racing on TV. I know I cannot ever afford those race cars and will never drive one. However, afterwards you can still get into your 25 year old Honda and drive it like it is a race car, in theory.:grin2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There isn't enough education about sex in general let alone sexual functioning through the aging process. But I think it's getting better year by year.

Secondarily, ED can be prompted by physiological problems or by anxiety/performance. Men kind of suck at seeking help for mental health problems.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> There isn't enough education about sex in general let alone sexual functioning through the aging process. But I think it's getting better year by year.
> 
> Secondarily, ED can be prompted by physiological problems or by anxiety/performance. Men kind of suck at seeking help for mental health problems.


Yes, but we're talking about a penis here. If you asked 1,000 men what their favorite body part is, which part do you think they would pick? 

If that part stopped working properly, would it not be reasonable to assume that a man would do everything within his power to get it in working order again? F$ck the shame!

If that means I have to cut off one of my fingers and implant it in my penis, guess what I am going to do?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

UMP said:


> Yes, but we're talking about a penis here. If you asked 1,000 men what their favorite body part is, which part do you think they would pick?
> 
> If that part stopped working properly, would it not be reasonable to assume that a man would do everything within his power to get it in working order again? F$ck the shame!
> 
> If that means I have to cut off one of my fingers and implant it in my penis, guess what I am going to do?


All kidding aside, some guys have incurable impotence.

Although some have gone so far as to have an implanted pump up balloon inserted in their shaft to simulate an erection.

I think I'd shoot myself first but that's just me.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

caruso said:


> All kidding aside, some guys have incurable impotence.
> 
> Although some have gone so far as to have an implanted pump up balloon inserted in their shaft to simulate an erection.
> 
> I think I'd shoot myself first but that's just me.


I can understand that.  My point is that most of the shame seems to be associated with the problem itself, sometimes preventing the guy from even seeking help. THAT is what I CANNOT rap my mind around.

I can see a man being down if he could never get it up, but not having the courage to at least investigate and evaluate all possibilities (because of shame) is beyond me.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

UMP said:


> If that part stopped working properly, would it not be reasonable to assume that a man would do everything within his power to get it in working order again? F$ck the shame!


And what if he DID do everything in his power to get it to work again...

...and it didn't?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> Couple things.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If my husband had to watch porn before or during sex with me to get an erection and keep his erection I would feel that he does not desire me anymore and I would not want to have sex with him. This is my opinion Ump, in no way am I saying that your wife feels the same way but that's how I would feel.. and unfortunately do feel as my husband has stopped looking at porn and masturbating for 4 months and has now starting showing some ED issues. Really hoping it's stress as our life lately has tons of it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> My mom always taught me and my sister that porn was degrading and disrespectful to women. As an adult, I don't buy into that at all--her opinions were a combination of her insecurities and her religious fanaticism. Porn turns me on, it turns my partner on. He gets ideas from it. It doesn't mean that he values me any less, or that he's comparing me to those women--I've never thought that, not in the least.


What a healthy attitude!! My wife had hangups about porn based on what she was told. I hope we can get to this level of enlightenment


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ump...I feel the way daisy does. But your wife may have no issue with it at all so it doesn't really matter what we think.

But I know for a fact that if I had to watch huge c*ck porn in order to feel aroused enough to have sex with my man, this would bother him. So to me it doesn't seem unusual or odd to feel that way.

I look at it like, obviously it is cool that other people can arouse us, no harm, no foul. It is natural and a good thing. But if our partner doesn't arouse us enough on their own to be able to successfully have a great sexual session...then that seems unnatural to me. It seems like misplaced focus on "others" can cloud out, rather than enhance, our arousal for our partner.

I like porn (a lot) but I'm very aware of how it makes my arousal and feelings change about my partner, if I have one. It can be an enhancement, but there's a line there that once crossed, I'm now not really having sex with my partner, but instead, with a figment of my imagination.

Staying connected with the actual partner gets hard to do if your mind is full of random people and body parts.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> If my husband had to watch porn before or during sex with me to get an erection and keep his erection I would feel that he does not desire me anymore...


That makes a lot of sense. I can totally see that. You compare yourself to them. Maybe you ask... Why does his primitive brain find these porn stars more sexy than me? I have to think about that... 

What makes porn MORE arousing than your wife? 

The answer that seems to come up is that the porn shows me perspectives I can never see when I have sex with my wife, although I could mount some mirrors I suppose. Also, the physical assets of the younger, well endowed women remind me of when we were in better shape and it brings me back to how arousing that is. And, the positions and over the top orgasms are very stimulating. At a primal level men are visually stimulated and this is how porn arouses men. And watching a woman orgasm is stimulating for a men (at least for me it is). Many of these feelings are based in primal instincts.

Having said all that, we use porn maybe 5% of the time and it's more of a novelty and not necessary for me to be aroused or have an erection. My wife can do that to me anytime.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> If my husband had to watch porn before or during sex with me to get an erection and keep his erection I would feel that he does not desire me anymore and I would not want to have sex with him. This is my opinion Ump, in no way am I saying that your wife feels the same way but that's how I would feel.. and unfortunately do feel as my husband has stopped looking at porn and masturbating for 4 months and has now starting showing some ED issues. Really hoping it's stress as our life lately has tons of it.


My take on it is if I am bound to eat the same pasta dish every day for 25+ years, the chef should understand that I might need to make myself mighty hungry before dinner.

I still eat the same dish and ONLY that dish. However, it is my duty and in my own best interest and my chefs best interest to make myself as HUNGRY as I possibly can. I don't snack on other foods, but looking at other people eat different foods makes me hungry for the actual meal I will eventually be served. It has NO bearing what so ever on the quality of my meal, just the fact that I've only eaten that one dish most of my adult life.

Is this just my own warped rationalization? Maybe.

Does it work? Yes. I love being famished for my very own, exclusively delightful pasta dish!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Vega said:


> And what if he DID do everything in his power to get it to work again...
> 
> ...and it didn't?


Yes, that's a real bummer.

I guess eventually it will happen to all of us, like death and taxes.
Just hope I can make it till the taxes actually come due.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> Also, the physical assets of the younger, well endowed women remind me of when we were in better shape and it brings me back to how arousing that is.
> 
> . . . . .
> 
> Having said all that, we use porn maybe 5% of the time and it's more of a novelty and not necessary for me to be aroused or have an erection. My wife can do that to me anytime.


As to the first part....yes, the physical assets (nice big biceps, cut abs, substantial booty, huge throbbing c*ck) of the younger men in porn are lovely to look at for me as well. 

And yeah...the difference between those men and my 55 year old dad bod boyfriend are quite stark.

That's why I deliberately don't set up my arousal feedback pattern to respond to porn ... Especially not right before having sex with the boyfriend. Instead I focus my sexual attention on the boyfriend and our sex life and I work with my own natural arousal to stay tuned to our sex life and each other.

But as to the last part of your post...I do agree that some porn in moderation (not as a tool to create false arousal for each other) is fun and can be a great addition to a great sex life.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> *2. Why does porn get such a bad rap?* I actually use porn as an ED aid. In fact, I probably watch it every other day regularly, sometimes right before or even during sex. At 55 years of age, being married for 25 years, it simply helps get my mind in gear. My wife and I have been having the best sex of our lives, twice a week like clockwork.
> 
> Am I deluding myself?
> 
> What say ye?


Because some people fear that it is REAL just like everything you see in WWE!










An average wife will briefly watch and think to herself that there is no way she can orgasm just from opening a pizza box to find a big sausage in it. She will think the scene is real and run screaming for her life because her body simply does not respond to pizza that way!

Badsanta

PS: The real answer is because women use their beauty as a serious weapon against one another in the workplace and in romance. Meanwhile men don't feel threatened by other men unless he is actually using real weapons like a gun or a knife. So to a wife finding their husband watching porn on TV is on par with a husband seeing an armed robber on TV trying his best to get into his house and wreck his home. Thus the term "home wrecker!" I googled home wrecker and got this:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UMP said:


> Couple things.
> 
> 1. Why is ED associated with shame?
> 
> 2. Why does porn get such a bad rap?


There is a lot of societal/peer pressure for men to be virile studs, or at least to talk like they are. ED can be something that shakes a man's confidence in himself as a man (if he let's it.) Sometime medically, say after prostate cancer surgery, there may not be many non prosthesis or complicated options. Also as was pointed out, sometimes women view it as rejection of them. 

I think that the real problem with ED is that too many people have a very hard time discussing sexual matters and ED is a big issue for both in a loving relationship and the inability to perform as before, while not talking about it leads to avoidance and then shame.

Now as to porn. To me there is porn and there is "porn." I would say about 1/4 of all the commercials out there would once upon a time been called "porn." TV shows and R-rated movies usually contain some scenes that do little in terms of plot development except to show some flesh and portray sexual content. When my wife and I went to a sex therapist to work on our marriage, the ST gave us a Sinclair Institute "Better Sex" instructional video to watch and discuss. It was "X-rated" porn, but with a theoretical socially redeeming value and clearly among happy consenting caring adults.

Some porn (snuff films, films of cruel violence and brutality, or with people playing underage children) are reprehensible. Assuming that the "porn" we are talking about is not that kind, then I agree that Porn does seem to get a bad rap. Why does it get a bad rap? 

I think there are probably three reasons.

(1) A lot of porn did/does involve the exploitation of women, before some of the women owned and women friendly porn companies came into being. (2) There are people who develop porn addictions that desensitize them to their spouse and destroys their marriage. (3) A lot of people (I will generalize and say women) feel that when their partner watches porn that they have to compete in terms of body image and sex technique with the porn stars and so they want their spouse to not watch porn.

I think that the key is moderation. Just as alcohol in moderation (a glass of wine every now and then) isn't horrible, the Carrie Nation's of the world want total abstinence. I see a similarity with porn. A glass of wine is different from a mug of Everclear straight alcohol, just as a soft porn with a story line is different from a Eastern European casting couch gang bang porn where the women are financially destitute. 

Having had a sex therapist assign as homework watching and talking with my wife about a sex video kind of showed me that all porn is not always evil.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

UMP said:


> I know I cannot ever afford those race cars and will never drive one.  However, afterwards *you can still get into your 25 year old Honda and drive it like it is a race car, in theory.:grin2*:


OMG, UMP!

Ska-ROO the title of this thread! Ska-ROO porn and ska-ROO ED.

What I wanna know is,

HOW are you managing to keep a _25 year old Honda _on the road AND able to drive it like it's a racecar?! :wink2: :grin2: I mean, that in itself would be a reason to have NO SHAME!


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> My take on it is if I am bound to eat the same pasta dish every day for 25+ years, the chef should understand that I might need to make myself mighty hungry before dinner.
> 
> I still eat the same dish and ONLY that dish. However, it is my duty and in my own best interest and my chefs best interest to make myself as HUNGRY as I possibly can. I don't snack on other foods, but looking at other people eat different foods makes me hungry for the actual meal I will eventually be served. It has NO bearing what so ever on the quality of my meal, just the fact that I've only eaten that one dish most of my adult life.
> 
> ...


Yes, but you chose that pasta dish for a reason. You liked it so much that you chose to only have that pasta dish for the rest of your life. If now you are saying you can't work up an appitiate for that dish with out looking at other dishes first, than maybe the cook is going to think there is something wrong with the dish because it didn't change, you changed your tastes.

I not saying that the same old dish might not get boring all the time, that's why you should spice it up with different toppings every once in a while. But if you truly are not satisfied with the dish you chose to have for the rest of your life, than maybe it's time to talk to the cook or take a look at where you eat. 

Ok, all this talk about food has made me hungry... For spaghetti :grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> UMP said:
> 
> 
> > *2. Why does porn get such a bad rap?* I actually use porn as an ED aid. In fact, I probably watch it every other day regularly, sometimes right before or even during sex. At 55 years of age, being married for 25 years, it simply helps get my mind in gear. My wife and I have been having the best sex of our lives, twice a week like clockwork.
> ...


I just have to say that the reason women get weird about their men watching porn in some cases (nawalt) is the same reason some men get weird about their woman watching porn in some cases (namalt).

You guys have probably not been in the position of being with a woman who loves and occasionally (or lot) watches huge black c*ck porn. If you were, you would get it. 

A lot of men try to make a comparison by saying "hey she's reading 50 shades of whatever, and that's the same as my porno so fair is fair". In my opinion, only apples to apples works in that analogy.

So let me assure you that until you catch your wife repeatedly sneaking around to watch every bit of BBC she can find, meanwhile telling you that it has nothing to do with you and you are just jealous, insecure and competitive, so get over it...then please don't speculate about why your wife may object to porn.

Granted...some men truly wouldn't care, just as some women truly don't either. But that doesn't mean those who do care are wrong.

I don't have to ask my boyfriend if he would feel insecure if I was frequently watching and jilling off to BBC porn, I know he would be. To add to it "oh well I only do it before we have sex because then I'll be so much hornier for you" would be like saying "how would you like this nice sharp ice pick shoved in your eye?"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When my H first had ED I took it VERY personally for almost 10 YEARS! It's only been a few years that I've learned his ED has nothing to do with his attraction toward me and has everything to do with his confidence in his penis. Once I was able to not feel ED was due to his lack of attraction, no longer took it personally, his ED stopped being on the laundry list of problems we had. 

So I guess UMP's tricks to get and keep an erection don't bother his wife and wouldn't bother me because MrsUMP and I have dealt with ED in our marriage. We've had to learn not to take ED personally. 

Just like men with wife's who have great difficulty orgasming, and the wife knows her body just isn't going to get there tonight, the hubs has to learn to not take it personally. If the wife figured out that spending time each day reading smut helped her get to the right mindset in order to orgasm easily, should the husband feel like she isn't attracted to him, or that he is unable to please her? I don't think so.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I like AP's post overall, it helps me gets past my initial reaction a little but not all. 

UMP and I have had this conversation in another thread - I would find it appalling if I had to watch porn before and during sex with my wife to get it up. I'm not anti-porn but porn use isn't in any way connected to sex with my wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP can speak for himself but I think the use of porn to mitigate ED is being blown out of proportion. 

Also, UMPs wife remains a tad shy about sex. So while there might be things she could do to increase the eroticism overall, she's not comfortable doing them. If I recall correctly she isn't comfortable telling UMP what she likes or how she likes it, or touching herself...

My H loves watching BJ porn. So we made a few BJ videos for him for when he is traveling. If he watched them before having sex with me, or watched other porn it wouldn't upset me.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

When my H first told me he had ED it bothered me a little that I was the cause, but I soon got over that.

Now we look back on his ED days with considerable affection. Those days were pretty much the best sex we had had up until then. The ED meds meant he had a stronger, harder erection than ever before, he was up for round 2 in the the morning. It also encouraged us to explore new things, and thinking outside the box. Foreplay became prolonged, experimenting with sex toys, playing tease. 

His ED included me, porn excluded me. Also, porn made his ED worse - not entirely sure why.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> My H loves watching BJ porn.


Me too! What a coincidence! 0



Anon Pink said:


> So we made a few BJ videos for him for when he is traveling. If he watched them before having sex with me, or watched other porn it wouldn't upset me.


If my wife and I made our own videos, I think I would GREATLY prefer those to random women. Wondering what that means...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

UMP said:


> Couple things.
> 
> 1. Why is ED associated with shame? That would be like being ashamed than I have heart disease. Make's no sense, to me. If you have a problem, fix it, if possible. I do have heart disease and I do have ED. Both completely treatable and sustainable long term. (so far, for me)


My husband is young (40), in superb physical condition, and suffers from ED in the form of performance anxiety. It's due to psychological reasons. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra...none of those have any affect on his erection. 

I think for him it's more about the shame of having to accept 'defeat'. He sees the "when the mood strikes..." commercials and literally cringes. He knows that for him it's not as easy as taking a pill to get a raging hard-on. It's much more complicated and requires a whole lot more effort.



UMP said:


> 2. Why does porn get such a bad rap? I actually use porn as an ED aid. In fact, I probably watch it every other day regularly, sometimes right before or even during sex. At 55 years of age, being married for 25 years, it simply helps get my mind in gear. My wife and I have been having the best sex of our lives, twice a week like clockwork.
> 
> Am I deluding myself?


I'm in agreement with @Faithful Wife and @Daisy12 on this one but to each their own. If this is what you have to do to keep the fires burning, and it doesn't bother your wife, then keep on keeping on.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

UMP said:


> It's very treatable. As I said previously, and I am not joking, *my 55 year old erection crushes my 18 year old erection*. IMO one should be ashamed for not addressing the issue IMMEDIATELY.


Thanks for the mental image. :surprise:


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

peacem said:


> When my H first told me he had ED it bothered me a little that I was the cause, but I soon got over that.
> 
> Now we look back on his ED days with considerable affection. Those days were pretty much the best sex we had had up until then. The ED meds meant he had a stronger, harder erection than ever before, he was up for round 2 in the the morning. It also encouraged us to explore new things, and thinking outside the box. Foreplay became prolonged, experimenting with sex toys, playing tease.
> 
> His ED included me, porn excluded me. Also, *porn made his ED worse - not entirely sure why*.


That is a known problem with porn: namely, the immense variety available at the click of a mouse overwhelms the brain's novelty circuits, which causes them to become less sensitive to normal stimuli. This can be so bad that otherwise healthy *teenage males* can get ED, a hitherto unknown phenomenon. :surprise:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that porn gets a ''bad rap'' because it's a slippery slope into addiction for many guys. (maybe some women, too) All things in moderation, I say. But, if you ''need'' it for any reason at all, that doesn't seem healthy to me. If you ''need'' alcohol to get through the day, or a particular ''drug'' to get through the day, that isn't healthy either, and porn has that same tendency to become a drug for people, if they start feeling like they ''need'' it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> peacem said:
> 
> 
> > When my H first told me he had ED it bothered me a little that I was the cause, but I soon got over that.
> ...


Actually, teen boys can also develop ED due to psychological reasons, too. They can be so repressed that they feel incredibly guilty just for feeling aroused, so they suppress the arousal. Or they may be CSA victims and lose their natural sexual impulses due to the trauma. Several other reasons as well. 

Just sayin. The mind body connection is delicate. Anyone can get messed up if certain events occur that mess them up....excessive porn use is just one of those events.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

UMP said:


> Yes, but we're talking about a penis here. If you asked 1,000 men what their favorite body part is, which part do you think they would pick?


Umm, vagina?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Umm, vagina?
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


Interesting. Not boobs?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> Me too! What a coincidence! 0
> 
> If my wife and I made our own videos, I think I would GREATLY prefer those to random women. Wondering what that means...


It means you're a happily married man.

I've read here at TAM that married men who are relatively happy in their marriage fantasize about their wife doing. But I don't think that's the same for women.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, If porn is going to be even used at all, it should either be used as something jointly and precursory to the sex act with their significant other or spouse; or for masturbatory purposes, say in the absence of a spouse or partner!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Porn is a problem if your husband uses it to pleasure himself while you are waiting and willing in the next room.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> What a healthy attitude!! My wife had hangups about porn based on what she was told. I hope we can get to this level of enlightenment


It took a little bit of work to get there... the hardest part was accepting and loving my body as it is, rather than hating my body for what it isn't. 

But when I watch porn, and it turns me on, I've realized it's the fact that I'm watching other people have sex which is arousing... it's not the specific guy in the clip that does it for me. And I think the same extends to my partner. He has favorite clips, but they aren't his favorites because of the people in the clips, it's because of the actual sex in those clips. 

When I look at him, I'm not comparing him to the guys in porn. He looks nothing like them, and I still find him dead sexy. Even when he's wearing his reading glasses. And even better, he's REAL. I get to actually touch him and stuff.

And I'm sure the above still applies conversely. Plus, my boobs are real 
@wantshelp, a LOT of women have hangups about porn, unfortunately. A big part is because it's more socially acceptable to have those hangups than it is to be like me. There are a lot of people--of both genders--who would try to slvt shame me for my attitudes, because a woman with my attitude is a threat to the status quo.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ED can be a problem if your partner is not patient enough to help you out, or to try alternative non penis-centric sex acts.

conversely, Porn gets its bad rep because SOME men concentrate on the porn, and ignore their partner. Using the porn to become horny for the partner is the CORRECT use of porn


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> Using the porn to become horny for the partner is the CORRECT use of porn


Yet, many people become horny for their partner WITHOUT the use of porn...


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

I would think that a lot of the shame of ED for a man is due to fact that a penis and an erection is what makes a man a man (physiologically)


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> ED can be a problem if your partner is not patient enough to help you out, or to try alternative non penis-centric sex acts.
> 
> conversely, Porn gets its bad rep because SOME men concentrate on the porn, and ignore their partner. Using the porn to become horny for the partner is the CORRECT use of porn


I really agree with everything you say. I think I could have totally accepted porn if it meant I was on the receiving end of the good times. So I can relate to UMP's wife being ok with this.

I do remember suggesting to my H that he used porn before we had sex, but he couldn't do it 'it would be weird'. He also never liked watching porn with me. He compartmentalizes me and porn. They are two different things that should never meet in the same room. So I guess it all depends on the individual's pov. 

I also have been very open with my H that I sometimes use porn, when I know he wants sex, but I am tired and not in the mood, to give me a kick start. He didn't care one bit, in fact he thought it was a very good idea. I don't think men view porn in the same way women do (and of course I am talking very, very generally here).


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Capricious said:


> I would think that a lot of the shame of ED for a man is due to fact that a penis and an erection is what makes a man a man (physiologically)


Thinking about this further I would imagine that many men would somehow think that they are less of a man because their penis does not function as it once used to. 

By all means I am not saying that they are less of a man, as a functioning penis is not the only thing that makes 
a man.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I think that porn gets a ''bad rap'' because it's a slippery slope into addiction for many guys. (maybe some women, too) All things in moderation, I say. But, if you ''need'' it for any reason at all, that doesn't seem healthy to me. If you ''need'' alcohol to get through the day, or a particular ''drug'' to get through the day, that isn't healthy either, and porn has that same tendency to become a drug for people, if they start feeling like they ''need'' it.


I do need it the same way an older athlete will need Alieve or an elderly person might need arthritis meds to walk without pain.
I use Testoserone cream, Viagra, wine, and porn to get me in the groove.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my wife, per say. She is a beautiful wonderful woman, even at 50. The problem lies with my lack of mojo.

When I can get to bed and perform as I was 20 years old and see that my wife is completely satisfied, it makes me feel like I actually am 20 years old.

In fact, I would say that having sex with my wife is the single most pleasant experience I have in my life. Maximizing this pleasure for both myself and my wife is close to my number 1 priority in life.

Porn is just a tool that I use in order to be able to perform at my peak.

If I were a professional football player, I would be the guy using performance enhancing drugs.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ump, if your wife is cool with that, then it's all good.

I'm confused about what your original question was about...are you deluded about what?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ump, if your wife is cool with that, then it's all good.
> 
> I'm confused about what your original question was about...are you deluded about what?



Is my opinion on porn and ED deluded? 
I see no shame in ED. It should never stop a man from doing everything he can to fix it, and I think porn is OK, in moderation.

Apparently some men are so ashamed of ED, they won't even seek help for it and some women will divorce over minor porn use.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

UMP said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Ump, if your wife is cool with that, then it's all good.
> ...


I see. Well, the consensus is that not seeking a solution to ED and burying your head about it and depriving your spouse of a sex life because of it is deluded.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting. Not boobs?


I'd vote for boobs, vajajay not far behind though


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

UMP said:


> I do need it the same way an older athlete will need Alieve or an elderly person might need arthritis meds to walk without pain.
> I use Testoserone cream, Viagra, wine, and porn to get me in the groove.
> 
> This has absolutely nothing to do with my wife, per say. She is a beautiful wonderful woman, even at 50. The problem lies with my lack of mojo.
> ...


Thanks for explaining this, my questions that I have here aren't ones of judgement, I'm just trying to understand your comments here, a little better. Why isn't your wife enough to 'get you in your groove?' Why can't you ''perform at your peak'' with only your wife? (I'm speaking of the porn viewing, only)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting. Not boobs?


They round out a winning trifecta.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peacem said:


> I do remember suggesting to my H that he used porn before we had sex, but he couldn't do it 'it would be weird'. He also never liked watching porn with me. He compartmentalizes me and porn. They are two different things that should never meet in the same room. So I guess it all depends on the individual's pov.


This sounds a lot like my XH... he wouldn't watch porn with me, especially after we married. There seemed to be this madonna/wh0re division in his mind with me... there's a reason he's not my husband anymore.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Thanks for explaining this, my questions that I have here aren't ones of judgement, I'm just trying to understand your comments here, a little better. Why isn't your wife enough to 'get you in your groove?' Why can't you ''perform at your peak'' with only your wife? (I'm speaking of the porn viewing, only)


Because as I get older my mojo dwindles. For example, I talk a big game and say I'm HD and all, but the fact of the matter is if my wife wanted to have sex more than twice a week, it would wear me out. 

The problem lies with my age and heart disease. 

I am like an old worn out performance car with many miles on it that has not been restored. The power is less than what it came out of the factory, all the ball joints are loose and the suspension is a little sloppy.

Porn simply helps me achieve more lust for my wife. She likes me to be a caveman and without help, I just can't do it any more. The porn titillates my mind and I superimpose my wife with the actresses in porn. Once I put the porn down ALL I think about is doing those things to my wife.

BTW: I hardly EVER masturbate to conclusion even while watching porn. I always save that for my wife.

Also, my wife is LD reactive desire and is not the type of person to do pole dancing for me. If she did, it would help, but it's simply not in the cards today.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> Is my opinion on porn and ED deluded?
> I see no shame in ED. It should never stop a man from doing everything he can to fix it, and I think porn is OK, in moderation.
> 
> Apparently some men are so ashamed of ED, they won't even seek help for it and *some women will divorce over minor porn use*.


I think the amount of women that would divorce over a little porn use is pretty small. A lot of times people get overly addicted to the porn and it can lead to other issues like adultery, lies, and lack of connection in the marriage to name a few.


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