# Husband texting other WOMEN



## LindaB

My husband and I have been married 2 years. We have been together since we were 16. We are now 22 and 23. A couple of weeks ago I found a picture of some girl's ID in his phone. I flipped out about it. The night before he had gone to his parents' house (which is close to where this girl lives). He denied meeting up with her, he said that she had sent him it when they were texting because he asked how to spell her name. I didn't believe this because his text messages only showed a conversation with her two weeks ago and that night (which did not show any picture messages). So I checked his online phone records to confirm. He had been texting her the night before A LOT. He was texting her from 4:55 pm to 2:20 am. Literally the entire time. Then he started texting her at 9 am (which was before we even talked that morning) to 10 pm. We had a huge fight about this. I couldn't believe he STARTED texting her as soon as he was headed to his parents'. After about a week of fighting, he said he would never talk to her again. He deleted her number. 

But now we have been fighting for a week because he has a coworker that he keeps texting. She is single and claims to be bisexual. Last week after work he went to her house alone because it was raining. I then met him there to watch a movie with her. I have met her twice. However, I still think their relationship is inappropriate. He texts her for hours and then deletes the messages. I found out he was texting her in July (she started working with him in July) for hours on some days until 1 am. He says that they are just friends, which I believe for now but I do not think it will stay that way. I do not think he needs female friends. But he thinks I am being controlling. I have told him I am fine with him talking to her at work but I do not see the need for him to text her outside of after work. He has told her that I do not want them talking outside of work and she keeps telling him we need counseling (this is what he tells me she says). It is taking all of my sanity to not text her and tell her to back off. 

I do not believe my husband is cheating. I think he is lonely and wants friends. He works with a lot of men but chooses not to text any of them. Which bothers me. Is it ok for me to set this rule (that he cannot have friendships with women)? Should I be concerned that he is fighting with me about this? Should I worry that he is telling her about our personal problems? Why would any respectable women give her number to a married man and try to befriend him? Why would any woman knowing that a wife has a problem with it continue talking to this married man?


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## lonelyman

i dont think you should tell him not to have female friends, but the way he is acting is suspicious and very shady....if he had nothing to hide then why would he hide the messeges from you?

it sounds like he is looking to cheat and if the opportunity comes up he would take it....but then again in his defense there is nothing here that proves to me his relations are anything more than friendships....

innocent till proven guilty i guess....


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## LindaB

lonelyman said:


> if he had nothing to hide then why would he hide the messeges from you?


He said that he feared my reaction to him texting these girls. With the girl he deleted her messages supposedly because he asked for relationship/sex advice and also because she was talking to him about her drug addiction and stealing ****. He didn't want me to flip out and tell him to stop talking to her because she does crazy stuff. Actually he has been texting his coworker since July but just saved her number two weeks ago.


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## LindaB

What should I do if not prevent these friendships?


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## Jellybeans

LindaB said:


> Last week after work he went to her house alone because it was raining.
> 
> He texts her for hours and then deletes the messages. I found out he was texting her in July (she started working with him in July) for hours on some days until 1 am.
> 
> I do not believe my husband is cheating.


Really? Cause it sounds like he's cheating on you. At minimum, the relationship with her is inappropriate. He has no reason to be at her house alone without you and messaging her til 1 a.m. and later deleting the messages if nothing is going on. 



LindaB said:


> Why would any woman knowing that a wife has a problem with it continue talking to this married man?


Because she has no respect for you or your marriage.


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## Acorn

You are not trying to prevent friendships, you are trying to prevent his friendships from crossing a line. To do that, you decide what your personal boundaries are with regard to female friends, and communicate those to him. 

>I have told him I am fine with him talking to her at work but I do not see the need for him to text her outside of after work.

This is an example of a boundary. Tell him this. Enforce it. If he continues to text her outside of work, it shows he does not care about your boundaries... and you can decide what to do with that from there.

Just be sure that you mirror the same boundaries. If he wants you not to contact male friends outside of work, you should be ready to appreciate and respect that too.

>He said that he feared my reaction to him texting these girls. 

I bet. LOL. My guess is that there is a lot more going on here than is obvious.


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## LindaB

[/QUOTE]This is an example of a boundary. Tell him this. Enforce it. If he continues to text her outside of work, it shows he does not care about your boundaries... and you can decide what to do with that from there.

Just be sure that you mirror the same boundaries. If he wants you not to contact male friends outside of work, you should be ready to appreciate and respect that too.
[/QUOTE]

I have set this boundary. And since Sunday he has not spoken to her. But we have fought about it. He says that I am treating him like a child. 
Also I have phone numbers of my male classmates and coworkers but I never have long conversations with them or text them about anything not regarding school or work. I would think of it as disrespectful.


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## Entropy3000

LindaB said:


> My husband and I have been married 2 years. We have been together since we were 16. We are now 22 and 23. A couple of weeks ago I found a picture of some girl's ID in his phone. I flipped out about it. The night before he had gone to his parents' house (which is close to where this girl lives). He denied meeting up with her, he said that she had sent him it when they were texting because he asked how to spell her name. I didn't believe this because his text messages only showed a conversation with her two weeks ago and that night (which did not show any picture messages). So I checked his online phone records to confirm. He had been texting her the night before A LOT. He was texting her from 4:55 pm to 2:20 am. Literally the entire time. Then he started texting her at 9 am (which was before we even talked that morning) to 10 pm. We had a huge fight about this. I couldn't believe he STARTED texting her as soon as he was headed to his parents'. After about a week of fighting, he said he would never talk to her again. He deleted her number.
> 
> But now we have been fighting for a week because he has a coworker that he keeps texting. She is single and claims to be bisexual. Last week after work he went to her house alone because it was raining. I then met him there to watch a movie with her. I have met her twice. However, I still think their relationship is inappropriate. He texts her for hours and then deletes the messages. I found out he was texting her in July (she started working with him in July) for hours on some days until 1 am. He says that they are just friends, which I believe for now but I do not think it will stay that way. I do not think he needs female friends. But he thinks I am being controlling. I have told him I am fine with him talking to her at work but I do not see the need for him to text her outside of after work. He has told her that I do not want them talking outside of work and she keeps telling him we need counseling (this is what he tells me she says). It is taking all of my sanity to not text her and tell her to back off.
> 
> I do not believe my husband is cheating. I think he is lonely and wants friends. He works with a lot of men but chooses not to text any of them. Which bothers me. Is it ok for me to set this rule (that he cannot have friendships with women)? Should I be concerned that he is fighting with me about this? Should I worry that he is telling her about our personal problems? Why would any respectable women give her number to a married man and try to befriend him? Why would any woman knowing that a wife has a problem with it continue talking to this married man?


I am no longer a believer in having "close" opposite sex friends in a marriage. I changed my mind after I withdrew from an EA that almost ended my marriage. I learned that for me, it would not work. I would not be ok with my wife doing so either.

I do have female friends that were or are colleagues and such. I have friended them on facebook even. My boundaries however are way better these days. I do not text them. I do interact on occasion with them on facebook. It is one thing to have an exchange of a half dozen messages that are months apart and another to have weekly or daily exchanges. Then one has to look at the content of the conversation.

Frequent contact by text, FB or email is a RED FLAG. Flirting and / or talking about marriage issues is a big RED FLAG. Overt sexual context text / pictures speaks for itself.

I won't even get into go out alone with them to dinner or a movie. That in my opinion is dating.

Going to her home!? FORGETTABOUTIT

That has crossed some boundaries for sure.

He has no boundaries.


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> Really? *Cause it sounds like he's cheating on you. At minimum, the relationship with her is inappropriate.* He has no reason to be at her house alone without you and messaging her til 1 a.m. and later deleting the messages if nothing is going on.
> 
> 
> 
> Because she has no respect for you or your marriage.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000

Acorn said:


> You are not trying to prevent friendships, you are trying to prevent his friendships from crossing a line. To do that, you decide what your personal boundaries are with regard to female friends, and communicate those to him.
> 
> >I have told him I am fine with him talking to her at work but I do not see the need for him to text her outside of after work.
> 
> This is an example of a boundary. Tell him this. Enforce it. If he continues to text her outside of work, it shows he does not care about your boundaries... and you can decide what to do with that from there.
> 
> Just be sure that you mirror the same boundaries. If he wants you not to contact male friends outside of work, you should be ready to appreciate and respect that too.
> 
> >He said that he feared my reaction to him texting these girls.
> 
> I bet. LOL. My guess is that there is a lot more going on here than is obvious.


:iagree:


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## LindaB

His defense for going to her house is:
"It was raining a lot" and "her roommates were home"
To which I tell him:
"buy a effing umbrella and they don't know me and I don't know them, they are not looking out for my best interest".


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## sad wife

If you want my opinion, most men are not loyal anymore. I had a boyfriend like that once that I married now and we have problems. 

He lived far away and we had a long distance relationship for awhile. Then he got to where when he knew i was being faithful, he started messing around with another woman and telling me he was working, he was falling asleep and etc. I drove hours to see if he was okay one weekend and he was messing around with a lady and actually told me he was innocent. I hired a PI, which didnt' cost much and they solve your questions real fast.

When he finally fest up, it was only because he knew he had been caught. It sux but I don't think your doing anything wrong sweetie. I think you have every right. If he can talk to her till after 1am in the morning and he dont live with her, why cant he talk to you that long when hes right beside you?


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## Confused_and_bitter

LindaB, 
Your husband sounds almost the same as mine. We kept getting into arguments about the type of friends we have and one day I saw that he friended a coworker now I normally wouldn't mind really but when the profile pic is an upclose of the womans cleavage then I tend to be in the WTF? Zone. I asked him about her an he acted like there was no issue so I did something I know I shouldn't have done but when I get upset and am near a computer I do things without thinking them thru anyway I got onto his account and deleted her and confronted him about her he said nothing and swore that he told me about her I asked to meet her and he got so paranoid and swore that I was going to cause a scene and said I was banned from going to the office. Little did he know was that I had his email forward all of his incoming messages to my inbox so I found out that he had sent her a message after he knew it bothered me. I sent him a text with a quote from his email and he just got mad but at that point I didn't care since he didn't take into account my feelings why should I his is what I told him. well fast forward a couple weeks later I show up to the office and I meet her. Her reaction? I got the meanest look from her. He didn't friend her again he demanded I delete all my male friends and I looked at him logged on to my FB and told him they are all family and you know about every single last one of them! So my point is (sorry for the rambling) I know how you feel I hope you can work this out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fredless

I think your husband is full of ****. Texting a female 'friend' for hours upon hours until 2:30am? And then he texted her for 13 hours the next day? Really? Come on. If he's not having an affair, he's heading down that road.


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## Entropy3000

Confused_and_bitter said:


> LindaB,
> Your husband sounds almost the same as mine. We kept getting into arguments about the type of friends we have and one day I saw that he friended a coworker now *I normally wouldn't mind really but when the profile pic is an upclose of the womans cleavage then I tend to be in the WTF? Zone.* I asked him about her an he acted like there was no issue so I did something I know I shouldn't have done but when I get upset and am near a computer I do things without thinking them thru anyway I got onto his account and deleted her and confronted him about her he said nothing and swore that he told me about her I asked to meet her and he got so paranoid and swore that I was going to cause a scene and said I was banned from going to the office. Little did he know was that I had his email forward all of his incoming messages to my inbox so I found out that he had sent her a message after he knew it bothered me. I sent him a text with a quote from his email and he just got mad but at that point I didn't care since he didn't take into account my feelings why should I his is what I told him. well fast forward a couple weeks later I show up to the office and I meet her. Her reaction? I got the meanest look from her. He didn't friend her again he demanded I delete all my male friends and I looked at him logged on to my FB and told him they are all family and you know about every single last one of them! So my point is (sorry for the rambling) I know how you feel I hope you can work this out!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You did the right thing. He was being an idiot.

Well done.


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## LindaB

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate everyone's comments and honesty. I am still confused on everything. But I did wind up texting this coworker myself. She seemed very annoyed that I thought anything would be going on. But I explained to her how inappropriate her texting my husband was. She seemed to get it. I do not think she respects me at all but that is my issue.


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## sunshine1999

I am curious, how did this work out for you? I am having the same issues with my husband. He is texting one of his co workers and we all know that I don't like her. He says he isn't going to stop because he isn't doing anything wrong. BUT he deletes all the messages cause he said they are private.


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## MaritimeGuy

I think the bottom line is he's placing his relationship with his co-worker above his relationship with you. If he was texting her work related matters he wouldn't be concerned about deleting them before you get a chance to read them.


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## Cubby

sunshine1999 said:


> I am curious, how did this work out for you? I am having the same issues with my husband. He is texting one of his co workers and we all know that I don't like her. He says he isn't going to stop because he isn't doing anything wrong. BUT he deletes all the messages cause he said they are private.


sunshine, I think you'll get better advice if you post this issue in the Coping with Infidelity forum. Not that he's physically cheating (who knows?) but because this is one of those things that can easily lead down that road, and the CWI forum is filled with folks who are experts in this particular issue.


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## Hope1964

Cubby said:


> sunshine, I think you'll get better advice if you post this issue in the Coping with Infidelity forum. Not that he's physically cheating (who knows?) but because this is one of those things that can easily lead down that road, and the CWI forum is filled with folks who are experts in this particular issue.


:iagree: Plus this thread is from 2011.


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## Cubby

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree: Plus this thread is from 2011.


It's so old, it's got whiskers!


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## lookinforhelpandhope

Hiding trhe texts and and sending a tonnes of texts when you're not around would be cause for concern, IMO.

Nothing wrong with a man having female friends, IMO. However, when there's an element of deception, that changes things.


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## Justin_b31

TL;DR
Give the man some slack and evaluate your relationship; DO NOT B.S. yourself, look at all "his problems" and honestly evaluate everything against "Your values"; it's all relative to YOUR PERSPECTIVE. Some men are dogs, but others are not; if he's ignoring you by phone while wildly texting this woman throw him out. Otherwise you're missing something, need to communicate (NOT accuse) better. Show/reinforce with him that _you can be everything to him as he is to you_. I think husbands _need_ their wives to _show love_ through _desire_ - women don't get that or maybe he desires more oral/an*l or whatever. This is up to you to figure it out. Put off by any of that is an invitation for someone else that will. Make sure he is willing to reciprocate your needs. Marriage is two-lane highway not one way street...

Long Version:
IMO there is nothing wrong with the texting/friending/FB anyone of the opposite sex with one caveat, and that is if he ignores your texts / attempts to communicate over this other person. 

*For example*, say you send a text after work, before dinner, after dinner and before bedtime and you don't hear from him until the next day with some B*S excuse that the phone was dead or left at home, etc .. THAN later you confirm that during this entire time he's been texting someone else .. call B.S. on that 

In the end, your husband may be "hiding" behind this veil of secrecy because he rightfully figured you would freak out. I am not saying that this is right or is an excuse, but it is a reaction to an action (every action has an equal and opposite reaction)


*Example *of my current marriage with my second wife.
On our 4th or maybe 5th date, I took her to my parent's for dinner. At the time I had visitation of my 5,6, and 9 year old children; the older two liked to play World of Warcraft (as did I). At some point in the day, the kids needed help with the game and I went up to play on the computer with them for an hour, maybe two. Point is, my first wife would have freaked out that I left her alone with my parents stating some crazy nonsense that I am disrespectful and always disappear; my second wife, however looked at the situation and said "well if playing computer games is the worse he does, I am okay with that". I don't do drugs, do not drink, playing video games sometimes too much and my wife is happy that "I just play games" instead of running around drinking and doing drugs like her ex-husband....​


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## mishu143

LindaB said:


> My husband and I have been married 2 years. We have been together since we were 16. We are now 22 and 23. A couple of weeks ago I found a picture of some girl's ID in his phone. I flipped out about it. The night before he had gone to his parents' house (which is close to where this girl lives). He denied meeting up with her, he said that she had sent him it when they were texting because he asked how to spell her name. I didn't believe this because his text messages only showed a conversation with her two weeks ago and that night (which did not show any picture messages). So I checked his online phone records to confirm. He had been texting her the night before A LOT. He was texting her from 4:55 pm to 2:20 am. Literally the entire time. Then he started texting her at 9 am (which was before we even talked that morning) to 10 pm. We had a huge fight about this. I couldn't believe he STARTED texting her as soon as he was headed to his parents'. After about a week of fighting, he said he would never talk to her again. He deleted her number.
> 
> But now we have been fighting for a week because he has a coworker that he keeps texting. She is single and claims to be bisexual. Last week after work he went to her house alone because it was raining. I then met him there to watch a movie with her. I have met her twice. However, I still think their relationship is inappropriate. He texts her for hours and then deletes the messages. I found out he was texting her in July (she started working with him in July) for hours on some days until 1 am. He says that they are just friends, which I believe for now but I do not think it will stay that way. I do not think he needs female friends. But he thinks I am being controlling. I have told him I am fine with him talking to her at work but I do not see the need for him to text her outside of after work. He has told her that I do not want them talking outside of work and she keeps telling him we need counseling (this is what he tells me she says). It is taking all of my sanity to not text her and tell her to back off.
> 
> I do not believe my husband is cheating. I think he is lonely and wants friends. He works with a lot of men but chooses not to text any of them. Which bothers me. Is it ok for me to set this rule (that he cannot have friendships with women)? Should I be concerned that he is fighting with me about this? Should I worry that he is telling her about our personal problems? Why would any respectable women give her number to a married man and try to befriend him? Why would any woman knowing that a wife has a problem with it continue talking to this married man?


I think you are well within your right t ask him to stop and respect your opinion, but you have to do the same for him. I don't believe in friends of the opposite sex once your married unless it is like a couples friend, and you shouldn't be texting the way you say he is. That seems shady to me. If there was noting to hide, he wouldn't delete them. Plain and simple. 

Divorcing my husband after 8 years of this crap. He was inappropriate, lied, and cheated. People don't want to realize that they are walking on a tight rope when you start a friendship with the opposite sex, it usually turns into something it shouldn't and could have been avoided. 

Boundaries are important. Figure them out. You have o know what you are willing to tolerate. What's good for me may not be good for you and vice versa.


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