# Husband and sexual frustration



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Why do men get so frustrated if their partner doesn't have an orgasm during sex? Even though that it's well known that not all women can do this and it's not the man's fault? My husband has gotten frustrated here and there that I don't get off and he said because of that we may not be sexually compatible and it sometimes irritates him. What the hell? He then went on to compare me to all his past girlfriends and said that they didn't have a hard time like I do. Now I'm not experienced and all, but sh*t, I'm working on it.

Gentlemen, help me. How can I get him to realize that I enjoy sex without having the big O? And it's not that I'm unable to; I can but I have to do it myself. As far as using toys and such, he won't accept that. He feels as if we shouldn't have to use that...as if it would make him feel like he isn't good enough or something.

So are his feelings normal or is he just overreacting or what? I'm glad that he wants to please me but at times it feels like he wants to do it more for himself than for me.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> He then went on to compare me to all his past girlfriends and said that they didn't have a hard time like I do. Now I'm not experienced and all, but sh*t, I'm working on it.


Have you pointed out to him that a good bit of women fake it (read - perhaps his past girlfriends too) and that some, if not most, cannot have an orgasm via vaginal sex only?

P.S... I would be pretty upset, if not livid, that my husband is comparing me SEXUALLY, to my face, to his past girlfriends.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think there's a fine line between a man who is genuinely concerned about his spouse's pleasure and tries to do what he can to give her pleasure for HER sake, and one who is basically selfish and needs to see his spouse's pleasure in order for himself to feel validated and worthwhile for HIS sake.

Your H sounds like the latter - and bringing up past girlfriends and how they acted with him is a huge NO-NO in any relationship. I would have a hard time being attracted to a man who acted like this.

So, you can't force your husband to change, but you sure can make some changes in yourself. Maybe by making some positive changes in yourself, your thoughts, and your life it could become a catalyst to improving the relationship overall.

I would basically recommend "womanning up", akin to what we see on the boards here as "manning up". http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/25889-what-does-mean-woman-up.html

Best wishes.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Have you pointed out to him that a good bit of women fake it (read - perhaps his past girlfriends too) and that some, if not most, cannot have an orgasm via vaginal sex only?
> 
> P.S... I would be pretty upset, if not livid, that my husband is comparing me SEXUALLY, to my face, to his past girlfriends.


I sure haven't pointed that out but next time he tries that crap with me I will be sure to say that. He hasn't brought this up in months so I'm hoping that since we married he has become more patient. The conversations still lurk in the back of my mind. It had gotten to the point where when we would start having sex I would get nervous but now I'm like screw it, if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen. Thanks for your input.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think there's a fine line between a man who is genuinely concerned about his spouse's pleasure and tries to do what he can to give her pleasure for HER sake, and one who is basically selfish and needs to see his spouse's pleasure in order for himself to feel validated and worthwhile for HIS sake.
> 
> Your H sounds like the latter - and bringing up past girlfriends and how they acted with him is a huge NO-NO in any relationship. I would have a hard time being attracted to a man who acted like this.
> 
> ...


I think I need to put my foot down and tell him to not bring up any sexual encounters with past girlfriends. At first I thought whatever, but now it irks me. But thanks for the advice, I'll check that out.


----------



## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I think I might slap my husband if he ever brought up his past sexual partners in any context, even if it was to tell me that I'm better than them. Your husband seems to be compensating for his own feelings of inadequacy by trying to make you feel insecure.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He's being selfish in a weird way. He wants to freak out during lovemaking to prove to himself what a stud he is.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

MissLayla1986 said:


> I think I might slap my husband if he ever brought up his past sexual partners in any context, even if it was to tell me that I'm better than them. Your husband seems to be compensating for his own feelings of inadequacy by trying to make you feel insecure.


Yeah now I'm asking myself why I sat there and listened when he said that. I should have slapped him.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> He's being selfish in a weird way. He wants to freak out during lovemaking to prove to himself what a stud he is.


I see it now as being mildly selfish. He had no right to make me feel inadequate. Next time it comes up I'll talk to him about it.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> Yeah now I'm asking myself why I sat there and listened when he said that. I should have slapped him.


Or you could just keep your legs closed, how frustrating would he find that?
Comparing you to past lovers is hurtful. How would he like it if the tables were turned on him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> I think there's a fine line between a man who is genuinely concerned about his spouse's pleasure and tries to do what he can to give her pleasure for HER sake, and one who is basically selfish and needs to see his spouse's pleasure in order for himself to feel validated and worthwhile for HIS sake.
> 
> Your H sounds like the latter - and bringing up past girlfriends and how they acted with him is a huge NO-NO in any relationship.


I terribly agree with this :iagree: some men are very very sincere, seriously just wanting her pleasure , will go to any lenghts to bring her to the heights (these types are a sight better than WHam bam thank you mam types) & some take it TOO FAR going over the other side - to the point of *worshiping "the orgasm' *- for whatever reason (feeling it is necessary for enjoyment - ego validation) -almost like a Fudamentalist worships his religion -and looses LOVE for his fellow man in the process of such worship.

Only example I could think of -sorry! 

He needs to deeply understand YOU still LOVE & relish the experience, the closeness to him, the emotional connection. You may have to HARP on this for a time. Of coarse he is adding to your pain about these past women -which is a terrible terrible thing to be doing to you, this will ony push you away . 

Some other thoughts.... He may be insecure and struggling with the belief -even FEAR that MANY women who don't orgasm more easily loose interest in sex! And there is TRUTH to this for some women, I see their posts on here, they get nothing out of the experience at all and it becomes a burden -to continue to please their men. He may need ALOT of extra verbal assurances of just how deep, how wide, how awesome the expereince is FOR YOU, showing great passion in love making to set his fears to rest. 

I remember the 1st time my husband didn't "go" and... he didn't care, said he'd wait till the next day. I remember it BOTHERING me, a sadness came over me, kinda took me by surprise. I accually had to work through that a little cause when My drive was higher than his, I simply did NOT like this, every once in a while he didn't get his . Maybe it was insecurities in me, but I felt I was "bothering" him on those nights he did not get his, I convinced myself I was being a BURDEN somehow ,that he is only pleasing me --and I wanted more than that. Maybe I was being selfish, I don't know. 

And my husband is the type that MY pleasure is SO very important to him that if he even had a hint I was not into him, he would not even pursue sex with ME, my orgasms to him are like the sky opening up, it means THAT much, and he would never say anything to hurt me. He told me one day if I couldn't , he thinks it would be very very sad, admitting it would be hard on him. And he is NOT one on an ego trip OR worshipping the Orgasm at all, it is just a "need" to give pleasure to the one he loves, yes, his measuring stick you might say - he would do it any way possible -oral, hands, toys -whatever to bring me to the heights. I won't fault him for feeling the way he does. Thankfully it has never been an issue-- but very well could be someday with menopause. 

I know if it ever comes to this - I will have to reassure him probably more than other men -oh how much I truly want to be with him and still love sex madly. 

How do you show him YOU LOVE him making love to you? Do you give him much verbal reassurance you are loving it or more on the quiet side? 

I ask this because my husband is very quiet and him giving me MORE verbal feebback when he didn't get his-when I was feeling a bit of a burden, assuring me he REALLY wanted to be with me, telling me he he gets pleasure from giving me pleasure (his words) - I can't tell you how much that helped me. Even though it was only once in a while. I guess I was pretty insecure!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You could always tell your husband that you never had this much troubling climaxing with your last boyfriend, but he was much bigger than your husband. 

Your husband just sounds insecure. Men being insecure about sexual performance is pretty much universal. Unfortunately, the ability of a woman to climax without direct clitoral stimulation is almost exclusively a function of the distance between the clitoris and the vagina. Above a certain distance, it's just not happening no matter how big a stud your husband is.

So, stand up for yourself and tell your husband that, in order to enjoy sex the most and climax, you need direct clitoral stimulation. He's lucky that you're willing to do it yourself. If he balks, tell him he doesn't even have to be in the room. He's welcome to wait in the living room until you're finished.

Good luck.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous, thanks for your reply. I'm on the quiet side when it comes to giving him verbal reassurance. When he brings it up I tell him then. But I show him that I enjoy it just as much by initiating it many times so there should be no doubt that I love having sex with him. This maybe TMI, but we did just a few hours ago and at one point he kept encouraging me to keep going until I got off. I didn't of course though I did feel like I came close. It didn't appear to bother him. Maybe since we've married (he last brought it up months before we got hitched) he just let it go? I don't know.

PHTlump, it COULD be the distance. An ex boyfriend told me that my clit is located higher than all the girls he had been with (yeah, guys do seem to compare me to others, jeez) so that's probably why I feel nothing of that sort until I literally have to GRIND against him. He does sometimes tell me to do it myself and I do but I find that um...he's in the way and just can't during the act, haha. I feel as is I'm just biologically wired weird. But oh well it's not keeping me up at night or anything


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Also ladies, you talk too damn much. After a certain point, and I'm not unique, I only hear about about every 5th word. A touch is worth a whole bunch of your words. Use touch.


----------



## ukwildcat (Aug 26, 2011)

I have been having the same problem with my husband! We have been married going on 9 yrs. and the problem is only getting worse! It has put such a strain on our marriage that divorce has come up more than a few times! I don't know what to do anymore, i mean i love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me, but it has got to the point where it is brought up ever time we have sex! I'm lost and don't know what to do! I don't want my marriage to end because of this. I'm pretty sure he is insecure, but I always tell him that it's not him and that most women don't climax every single time! I have tried talking, yelling, toys, offered to go to marriage counseling, offered to go to the doctor, but he is just to damn proud! I'm at a crossroad! I know if this problem is not fixed than my marriage will be over... I need some guidence, please help!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> SimplyAmorous, thanks for your reply. I'm on the quiet side when it comes to giving him verbal reassurance. When he brings it up I tell him then. But I show him that I enjoy it just as much by initiating it many times so there should be no doubt that I love having sex with him. This maybe TMI, but we did just a few hours ago and at one point he kept encouraging me to keep going until I got off. I didn't of course though I did feel like I came close. It didn't appear to bother him. Maybe since we've married (he last brought it up months before we got hitched) he just let it go? I don't know.
> 
> PHTlump, it COULD be the distance. An ex boyfriend told me that my clit is located higher than all the girls he had been with (yeah, guys do seem to compare me to others, jeez) so that's probably why I feel nothing of that sort until I literally have to GRIND against him. He does sometimes tell me to do it myself and I do but I find that um...he's in the way and just can't during the act, haha. I feel as is I'm just biologically wired weird. But oh well it's not keeping me up at night or anything


Are you aware that about 30% of women reach orgasm vaginally and the rest need clitoral stimulation, oral or manual, to reach orgasm? Also, every woman is different. Men who are aware of this usually explore with each new lover to fins out what she needs to reach orgasm. 

A previous poster mentioned that many women fake orgasm, especially with men like your husband who seem to need that to confirm they are a good lover. If all of the women reached orgasm vaginally, at lest some of them were faking. 

You have to approach this delicately because he is insecure sexually and probably not really knowledgable. 

I think what you need to do is to learn about your own sexuality and how to reach orgasm. Read some books and do a Google search. If you know yourself you will be more assured that you are normal and he just does not realize that women are different.

I don't have advice on how to approach him. I hope one of the men will post with advice. It will be better in the long run to be calm and non-accusatory. However, you cannot allow him to talk about former lovers and to disrespect you in any way. 

To do that, you have to establish boundaries. A line in the sand that you expect him to honor. By setting boundaries you avoid demands which don't work anyway. There has to be consequences if he does something when you made it clear that you feel hurt when he does it. 

You may decide to just tell him every time he does it and to remind him that he hurts you. If he continues, you can disengage and tell him that you will not continue a conversation with him that hurts you. Be calm and nice but firm.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ukwildcat said:


> I have been having the same problem with my husband! We have been married going on 9 yrs. and the problem is only getting worse! It has put such a strain on our marriage that divorce has come up more than a few times! I don't know what to do anymore, i mean i love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me, but it has got to the point where it is brought up ever time we have sex! I'm lost and don't know what to do! I don't want my marriage to end because of this. I'm pretty sure he is insecure, but I always tell him that it's not him and that most women don't climax every single time! I have tried talking, yelling, toys, offered to go to marriage counseling, offered to go to the doctor, but he is just to damn proud! I'm at a crossroad! I know if this problem is not fixed than my marriage will be over... I need some guidence, please help!


Did you tell him how close you are to ending it over this? I would not use the D word unless you really mean it. If you bring it up as a scare tactic it does not work because he does not think you mean it. Then when you do mean it, he will be unprepared. 

That's not really fair. you do want to let him know how serious it is. Offer MC to him and if he refuses, go yourself. 

I don't think you should consider divorce until you have exhausted all of the help that is available. Sometimes it takes separating and filling before a spouse realizes how serious a problem is and resolves to work on it. 

But that should be after you have really tried. Talking does not work perhaps therapy for you to help communication or to plan an exit strategy.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you so much, Catherine. I do believe I need to get to know my body better and the different ways to reach an orgasm. I'm sure that will definitely help me. I from now on will not allow him to bring up his past and disrespect me in any way. I will try my hardest to not sound accusatory. When he brings it up and I stay quiet and just nod my assent, in my head I am either crying or cursing him out. Must not do that aloud lol. Thanks again. All this advice believe it or not, is helping me think about ways to approach potential problems in my new marriage. Wish us luck!


----------



## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

ScepticChange - after reading your other post, this one makes perfect sense. If he learns to pleasure you, you'll O more often.


----------



## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

Some men feel inadequate if they can't get their woman off. Like it's their fault and they didn't do it right in order for you to achieve orgasm. Simply for this reason, and some people may not agree, but if I know I am just not gonna climax, I fake it. Because my husband will hold off until I do and if I am not feeling it I would just rather let him get his and be done for the evening. If he ever found out I faked it I am sure he would be upset. But he never has to know!


----------



## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Wanting to please a partner is nice but he went way over. I would never ever bring up a past partner. Especially as a tactic for comparison.

It seems like there are some inadequacy issues coupled with some rather insensitive thinking. The big O isn't always that easy and it shouldn't always be the goal. 

Personally, I never thought about it much....{rule violation}....my previous girlfriends either did not achieve orgasm regularly or when they did it was rather quiet. My wife is very orgasmic and a little more vocal. I would have to admit it would take some adjusting to not be in that situation but it would be adjusting and not disappointment - that is why I think it might be eating at his self-confidence.

While the comparison is really irking you I think you might want to separate the two issues if you can. He doesn't need to insult you that way but you might want to tread carefully around the potential of inadequacy. There are people who tend to go on the offensive when you would actually think they should be acting a lot more mopey or depressed......


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

JRiZZY said:


> Some men feel inadequate if they can't get their woman off. Like it's their fault and they didn't do it right in order for you to achieve orgasm. Simply for this reason, and some people may not agree, but if I know I am just not gonna climax, I fake it. Because my husband will hold off until I do and if I am not feeling it I would just rather let him get his and be done for the evening. If he ever found out I faked it I am sure he would be upset. But he never has to know!


I have faked just once and I felt so awful afterwards...so bad that I was this close to confessing to him. I don't want to feel that way again for that so no more faking.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Wanting to please a partner is nice but he went way over. I would never ever bring up a past partner. Especially as a tactic for comparison.
> 
> It seems like there are some inadequacy issues coupled with some rather insensitive thinking. The big O isn't always that easy and it shouldn't always be the goal.
> 
> ...



You might be right about that. It could be that he just feels inadequate. What I should probably start doing is being more vocal about how amazing it feels without the big O so he doesn't feel like he needs to justify his prowess by getting me off.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I terribly agree with this :iagree: some men are very very sincere, seriously just wanting her pleasure , will go to any lenghts to bring her to the heights (these types are a sight better than WHam bam thank you mam types) & some take it TOO FAR going over the other side - to the point of *worshiping "the orgasm' *- for whatever reason (feeling it is necessary for enjoyment - ego validation) -almost like a Fudamentalist worships his religion -and looses LOVE for his fellow man in the process of such worship.
> 
> Only example I could think of -sorry!
> 
> ...


WOW Simply,

After reading this I don't feel like such a freak of nature. Your guy sounds exactly, I mean exactly like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

If he feels inadequate or wants you to get off, work on the foreplay issue. It strikes me as so strange that you have another post saying he just wants to put it in without foreplay, then you're both wondering why you can't get off? Are you very inexperienced? Have you had a man that you can get off with every time?

BTW, I agree that for a woman, that particular event isn't the end-all and be-all of sex and we can be plenty satisfied without it... but yeah the foreplay and orgasm issues are not separate. I see a 3rd post now about you having your first orgasm with your husband and saying you need to work on yourself more to make it happen. Your husband's a lously lover so you have to make yourself have orgasms for his ego? :scratchhead:


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Roooth said:


> If he feels inadequate or wants you to get off, work on the foreplay issue. It strikes me as so strange that you have another post saying he just wants to put it in without foreplay, then you're both wondering why you can't get off? Are you very inexperienced? Have you had a man that you can get off with every time?
> 
> BTW, I agree that for a woman, that particular event isn't the end-all and be-all of sex and we can be plenty satisfied without it... but yeah the foreplay and orgasm issues are not separate. I see a 3rd post now about you having your first orgasm with your husband and saying you need to work on yourself more to make it happen. Your husband's a lously lover so you have to make yourself have orgasms for his ego? :scratchhead:


Yeah, they go hand in hand. I'm very inexperienced. I only had 2 partners before him: one of them I only had sex with twice which was pathetic and the other I didn't get off with but just one time and that was because he had a vibrating ring on with those little eggs attached to it. And with that guy he was never bothered with me never having an orgasm. Brought it up a few times to "let go" but never made a big deal out of it.

Part of it is me being inexperienced and I figured since he is then this wouldn't be that big of an issue. He has enough experience for 10 men. But I guess quantity doesn't always equal quality. And that third post wasn't implying that I was doing it for his ego. Didn't mean to put it out that way but I was also seeing if it was possible because I'm still trying to figure things out.


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I think just tell him you need to take the pressure off, that sex is a journey, not driving to the basket and scoring. That you're enjoying it, he's totally hot and sexy, and you're happy as can be. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

I know as I got older, things changed for me in that department. I used to be reliably orgasmic every single time, but now it's not as certain. Somewhat reliable, but not like it used to be. I started to freak out about it, but then decided that I'm having so much fun with it, regardless, did it really matter that much? And it doesn't.


----------



## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Yeah, they go hand in hand. I'm very inexperienced. I only had 2 partners before him: one of them I only had sex with twice which was pathetic and the other I didn't get off with but just one time and that was because he had a vibrating ring on with those little eggs attached to it. And with that guy he was never bothered with me never having an orgasm. Brought it up a few times to "let go" but never made a big deal out of it.
> 
> Part of it is me being inexperienced and I figured since he is then this wouldn't be that big of an issue. He has enough experience for 10 men. But I guess quantity doesn't always equal quality. And that third post wasn't implying that I was doing it for his ego. Didn't mean to put it out that way but I was also seeing if it was possible because I'm still trying to figure things out.


This is interesting. So if I remember, his experience is all one night stands. He seems to think they all came. I wonder if they faked it? If so, they're more polite than me! :rofl: Or maybe he had to provide foreplay to get in their pants. Maybe he's super hot and they hoped it would be great?

Regardless, if he relaxes on his points of view that you must come each time without foreplay and accepts the idea that you need to learn each other, this could be a really fun journey. Many a good male lover has been "trained" by a woman. In this case, you both can explore together and see what works. It is true that women and men have different physical needs and orgasm is different for women than for men. There's a book that my husband and I are really enjoying together. It gets your engines revving and talks about these difference, and pretty much everything to do with sex. It's called Loving Sex. Maybe he'd be willing to read it with you. Tell him it has pictures.  (They're not trashy.) Oh, and you can tell him from a woman who is experienced (me) that when the man wants to please his woman how she wants, and visa versa, add love and you can have the most amazing sex possible. This is good for both of you! Good luck.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you, Roooth. Most of his experience was one night stands and such...booty calls. But when he compared me to other ladies one was his ex girlfriend that he was with a year and the other was an ex fiance he was with for also a year. But whatever, I'm past that. I'm not even frustrated that much about it anymore because you all gave me so many advice and suggestions. I only hope for positive results.


----------

