# Did The Affair Cause You To Re-Examine The Marital History?



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I've read that somewhere around 80% of affairs are never discovered, I can cite where I remember that information right now. Now, whether you are in R or headed toward D, you basically know all the signs of an affair in progress. Yes, there are persons out there that are so able to compartmentalize their lives that there were practically no signs, but I think those aren't that common. Since the affair, I think its normal to look back at the marital history and think that he/she had a previous affair before this one. Anyone else done this or think that possibly his/her wayward spouse had a previous affair(s) that you think you didn't discover?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, I do believe that my exH has had affairs I never knew about.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Yes, I've re-re-re-re-examined, and concluded that I do not think she cheated previously. Could be wrong of course.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

My wife recently had an EA and it's made me remember in 2007 when she had 2 facebook messages that were suspect. One was to a friend "I have a sexy story to tell you" and the other was from another friend " Man I can't believe what you told me yesterday, you are totally going to have to give me the juicy details". This was right after she had been out late to a friends house for a get together and I stayed home. When I confronted her she said she was talking about something that happened to someone else....but the first thing she said was "Were you there?". There was not much else I could do at the time and had mostly forgot about it, but now I don't know if something happened or not. It starting to bother me now especially now that I think I know everything there is to know about the EA that has just happened.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I'm pretty sure there wasn't.

I do find though that the affair does cause me to reevalute every single aspect of our history "during the affair / pre D-Day".

So, if my wife starts talking to me or someone else about the time we took our daughter to the ER and she was brave or the time my son first escaped over the gate on his room during a supposed nap, the first thought that comes along is ... I haven't thought about that in a while. Hey, that was during the affair. Where did that fit during the chronology. Damn, that memory is now totally tarnished.

Literally every story, no matter how unrelated, about time during the affair acts a a trigger for me. It makes me feel like our entire history is dust.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Until it happened I would never have considered it, but after I found out about what she did to me I found out she had an affair during her first marriage with a guy who was in an "open marriage". What I really hated was the fact that when we were dating I asked if she ever cheated on her first husband and she said no. I believed her because I had known her before her first marriage and her sister and I had been friends for a long time, so I heard all about some of the things her first husband did (severe workaholic, alcholic). To find out she cheated on him during their marriage and even their engagment really threw me for a loop. I can understand why she sought out attention elsewhere, but I hated (and still do) the fact she lied to me. I can't say whether or not it would have stopped our relationship in the beginning, but I probably would have been a bit more hesitant about it.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

My H actually did confess his previous affair from 10 years ago. 

I doubt I would've recognized any signs from that time even in hindsight. He was traveling and the A was with a co-worker he traveled with for the project. It was an affair of convenience. 

H hated the project and felt isolated, I was absorbed with a new baby and fighting post partum depression. Now knowing how selfish he can be (common trait cheaters share) I can see how he thought only of himself and how to make himself feel better during that time. Have an affair! They bonded over hating travel and the project and made themselves feel better by having a PA. Doesn't matter if they never sealed the deal by having intercourse, close enough and still an affair.

I sometimes don't know which affair I feel worse about. They both suck, but I don't remember a lot from that time period 10 years ago. It was over a much shorter period of time too and there wasn't any talk about leaving their spouses. It was a very clean break when he left the project and my H did NC himself by getting a new job. 

I'm not as resentful to the first OW, because she wasn't trying to get my H to leave me. It's the big difference between the two affairs. My H has said that the previous A made him way more susceptible to the second, he thought it would be like the first time. Have a little fun to feel better about himself and then they'd both walk away and no one would be the wiser. He realizes now how selfish and stupid he was to think that way. In some ways, he still can't believe he's "that guy", the kind that cheats on his wife twice and thinks "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her, but it's best for me right now."

My H now knows 1) He can get caught 2) What I don't know will hurt me when I do know 3) If it ever happens again... I'm done. Wish I would've caught him after the first time, but I honestly don't know if I was secure or mature enough at the time to consider R. It's quite possible I would've run home to Mom & Dad, then I never would've had my son. Sometimes the way life plays out is crazy.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

ive gone back and looked at our relationship and found nothing.

the last time we had issues before we were married we broke up. she started dating a few months after that, that relationship was abusive, i helped her out of it and we realized we were right for each other.


weve discussed this affair to a point, and can pin point when our relation ship started going south. it want when our son was born, but it was when we bought our house. things started to change then and we have both theorized that if we didnt buy this house nad stayed in the city we were in then this wouldnt have happened for multiple reasons.

my wife does have issues out side of this. and if they arent addressed as well, whether we get back together or not, shell still be the same what.

of course thats why the OM was pushing for her to get IC, as hes in it also. they think if they both heal itll make the relationship right. but the reality is because thier motivations are tainted, its still doomed to fail..


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

totallyconfused said:


> I do find though that the affair does cause me to reevalute every single aspect of our history "during the affair / pre D-Day".
> 
> So, if my wife starts talking to me or someone else about the time we took our daughter to the ER and she was brave or the time my son first escaped over the gate on his room during a supposed nap, the first thought that comes along is ... I haven't thought about that in a while. Hey, that was during the affair. Where did that fit during the chronology. Damn, that memory is now totally tarnished.
> 
> Literally every story, no matter how unrelated, about time during the affair acts a a trigger for me. It makes me feel like our entire history is dust.



*(((YESYESYESYES!!!)))* drives me nuts and makes me very sad all at the same time. 

First time I told my wife "I love you" was during a fireworks display at Disney... now I get angry every time I see fireworks, which I used to enjoy. gonna be a helluva weekend. And IF we stay together and R, we'll look to take our 6 y.o. son to Disney sometime soon... that oughta be a real treat. Pffffffffffft!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

While I can't pin point the exact time line have gone over our entire marriage. And I have come to the conclusion that of the 8yrs married I have only had my husband to myself in our marriage for only 2 1/2 of those yrs. The rest of the time there has been that 3rd person in our marriage in some form ie EA to PA back to EA heading to PA. It's a ride I'm thinking seriously about getting off of. 

I have gone over everything and nothing that was when I noticed things but I just keep thinking I was reading into things to much. Until the signs kept coming and I started to address them but of course I was wrong and being insecure blah blah blah you know how they do. Make you feel like somethings wrong with you.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> *(((YESYESYESYES!!!)))* drives me nuts and makes me very sad all at the same time.
> 
> First time I told my wife "I love you" was during a fireworks display at Disney... now I get angry every time I see fireworks, which I used to enjoy. gonna be a helluva weekend. And IF we stay together and R, we'll look to take our 6 y.o. son to Disney sometime soon... that oughta be a real treat. Pffffffffffft!


YES I start to dislike certain things because of it. I found out about the affair the day after our 5yr Anniversary. So of course I don't care for my anniversary. I found out they were still in contact this yr on my birthday and I use to LOVE celerbrating my bda. My whole family always look forward to it because I was always doing something. No big partys or anything just it was my day and I was always happy about it. Now not so much. Just another reminder. I HATE that his affairs sucks the life out of me even when I try not to allow it.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

totallyconfused said:


> I'm pretty sure there wasn't.
> 
> I do find though that the affair does cause me to reevalute every single aspect of our history "during the affair / pre D-Day".
> 
> ...


Yup, me too. In some strange way it helped finding out about the affair from 10 years ago, because our marriage is not so "before & after" now after d-day. For 10 years he had a secret and our marriage was already "tainted", I just didn't know it. 

However, during those 10 years, the memories don't feel tarnished, because they weren't created during his affair. I find it's everything we shared while he was lying and living a double life that feels "meh". Sadly the most recent affair was over 7 months, so a lot of events and special occasions just don't mean the same to me right now. I'm hoping in time that will change, but we'll see. Even the Spring Break we took just before his A feels less meaningful now, because if we had such a great & wonderful time, why did he start an affair a few months later? It's not logical really, because the problems in our marriage were already there, but we both could have fun together despite of them. The affair didn't mean my H didn't enjoy spending time with me. He was a cheater that could totally compartmentalize the affair. If he was with me, he didn't think of OW and vice versa. That kind of ability is kind of scary. It might have leaked into his thoughts once in a while, but it was like he had two different lives.

I think one big change I feel from d-day is not feeling as sentimental. I used to keep little momentos from trips and nights out together and put everything in a very basic no frills scrap book. I find I just don't care to do this anymore and part of me wouldn't mind just dumping all the old scrap books. It's like I no longer want to dwell in the past, but be always moving towards the future. Curious to see if I stay this way from now on.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I sure did, and there were quite a few suspect situations that really stood out. There was one that definately was starting and I just happened to not like the B****, and told her to get lost and if I ever saw her face I'd beat it to a pulp. She frequented our house with his sister at the time. At the time I told her to get lost I thought she was after my brother in law and I was protecting my future sister in law's interest. Little did I know that she was after anything with 3 legs. LOL. There were 2 other situations that were possible EAs but H swears no. 1 other sistuation was an ego boost that the girl was innocent of. That one he claims guilt. 
I was shocked at what I remembered when I looked back. Wow was I dumb.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As for myself, I did it a lot the first few months after DDay. Looking back, she had ample opportunity to cheat. There were many years where I was working 12 hour shifts, sometimes working away on these shifts as far as almost an hour away from home and she knew that I would not be coming home unexpectedly. Then there were all the deployments I went on where I would be gone for months at a time. I certainly have no idea if she did or didn't during the deployments.

Considering her drastic personality and behavior changes that she had during this affair, I have a reasonable certainty that she didn't. So I think she's not able to compartmentalize herself to the degree where she could hide it. But then again, I could be wrong and she's been fooling me the whole time. And that's the damage that results when trust is broken, it makes you question the whole marriage. Was it all a lie? I don't know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes we both re examined our history. Together, she went through all thirteen years and we cover all 20 of her lovers. 

The first affair, 13 years ago was the one I buried under the rug. Biggest mistake in my life. I can remember the good times when she was straight, and I can remember the times my work was more inportant. Her behavior was good for a fews years then bad, then a hand full of good behavior then bad again. Some affiars lasted a week some a month. 

Five years ago I had my biggest increase in business, thats when it got foggy for her. Her drinking increased and so did the ONS. That was the year my oldest got her drivers licence. And my wife started working full time. 

There are some cases were in the last few years were it was so bad she can't even remember, but she can remember the walk of shame...waking up and figuring a way to get back to her car.

As my cheating wife and I did this trilogy of her unfaithfulness, I would think back on what job I was on and how much time I spent with the crew and what not. It all matched up with the size of my jobs and the relationsip I had with the crew.

We found it interesting to coilate the two...her cheating and my carerer. Even the foremen that worked for me.. guys that were more into the marriage versus guys that weren't.

Her career also played a big part. During a fell I was down for a few and she made ends meet by stripping....again a *big* mistake for the marriage. 

Well after the examination of our marriage we both made some very unhealthy choices. So many years ago I will never forgive my self for telling my cheating wife to go get a boytoy, when alls she wanted was my time. Back then I felt it easier to push her away like that then to listen to her plea for help.

I finaly got it when I started waking up after we had gone to bed and finding my cheating wife gone..only to find her back in bed when I woke the next morning. Its was getting bad. gone all the time...well you get it

I think we saved each 17 months and 3 weeks ago.


Thinking back we both had some sh*tty behaviors I can't believe we're still together ...its been one hell of a 20 year marriage. 

L- thanks for bringing up the topic it helps


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess the economy had to take a sh8t for me to start caring about my marriage.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> Yes we both re examined our history. Together, she went through all thirteen years and we cover all 20 of her lovers.
> 
> The first affair, 13 years ago was the one I buried under the rug. Biggest mistake in my life. I can remember the good times when she was straight, and I can remember the times my work was more inportant. Her behavior was good for a fews years then bad, then a hand full of good behavior then bad again. Some affiars lasted a week some a month.
> 
> ...


Dude, every time I read your story I can't believe you are still together. You are a better man than I am.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

totallyconfused said:


> I'm pretty sure there wasn't.
> 
> I do find though that the affair does cause me to reevalute every single aspect of our history "during the affair / pre D-Day".


This is exactly where I am right now. I've done alot of thinking about our history lately and am trying to figure out exactly where it went wrong, the (root) if you will. I think I've got it down to when he started his OL gaming. I have a feeling that flirtation and cyber sex/affairs may be generally accepted or normal?? in that kind of environment. 

I've come to the conclusion that it may be possible that he has been at the very least "flirting" for the past 4 years with numerous women.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> I've read that somewhere around 80% of affairs are never discovered, I can cite where I remember that information right now. Now, whether you are in R or headed toward D, you basically know all the signs of an affair in progress. Yes, there are persons out there that are so able to compartmentalize their lives that there were practically no signs, but I think those aren't that common. Since the affair, I think its normal to look back at the marital history and think that he/she had a previous affair before this one. Anyone else done this or think that possibly his/her wayward spouse had a previous affair(s) that you think you didn't discover?


Absolutely!!! I sometimes obsess and drive myself crazy thinking about that. I sometimes think how stupid or in denial I was for not noticing this sooner. When I think about "how he lied constantly" and gaslighted me during it, it helps me to realize my choice to get a divorce was a good one!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Infidelity = betrayal. It is the lies and deception which to me are the biggest problem to overcome. The fact that she did intentionally deceive me causes me to wonder what else she lied about. So that is why I find myself needing to verify all kinds of things which are not directly related to the deceptions.

The entire relationship feels like a lie since her first big deception. So everything from then til now is in question.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Thor said:


> Infidelity = betrayal. It is the lies and deception which to me are the biggest problem to overcome. The fact that she did intentionally deceive me causes me to wonder what else she lied about. So that is why I find myself needing to verify all kinds of things which are not directly related to the deceptions.
> 
> The entire relationship feels like a lie since her first big deception. So everything from then til now is in question.


Ditto here.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I believe my H only had one long term P/A, he has admitted to one other ONS overseas while we were separated. There is no evidence or reason to suggest other relationships. Those were 11 years ago.

With the cyber E/As, I know of 3 women, 2 of them being the women in the paragraph above. There was a 10 year gap from R'ing from the P/As to discovering the E/As.

I am fairly sure he is clean now, I have done all I can to verify, short of having a camera in his eyes that beams back what he sees to me. If I was to find evidence to the contrary, it would be bye-bye buddy.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> Anyone else done this or think that possibly his/her wayward spouse had a previous affair(s) that you think you didn't discover?


Oh hell yes. I am almost certain... It’s that stupid little voice in me, the same one that has led me to false beliefs so many times, that tells me maybe, just maybe the lame and totally out of character story she spun for me is the truth. But there is strong evidence to suggest several more bodies in her past.

It’s hell. I know she is a liar. Her stories from the past, just don’t match up or fit in the puzzle.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Saffron said:


> My H actually did confess his previous affair from 10 years ago.
> 
> I doubt I would've recognized any signs from that time even in hindsight. He was traveling and the A was with a co-worker he traveled with for the project. It was an affair of convenience.
> 
> ...


Wow - my story exactly - 10 years prior - he admitted to that one when this last one broke. He worked with her on occasion and they "hooked" up 1,2,or 3 times (all dependson what part in R I asked him). Nothing ever came of it. He said after that he felt bad (boo hoo) and swore he would never tell me or do it again and he would just live with the guilt. That's when I figured out that I got HPV from him/her and not my first boyfriend 8 years prior....so naive about it all. Hinedsight though - yes, I remember we argued a lot during that time. Lots of guilt and blameshifting, I am sure.

And the rest - how you felt/feel - my story too...so sorry for us


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I saw no signs of my W having previous affairs...

of course I was too busy w my own A to notice anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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