# Husband losing hope on marriage



## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

I cheated on my husband 3 years ago 6 months after getting married, we separated for 1.5 years then moved back together trying to make it work. I am very sorry and regret what I have done. He brings up the past every now and then when he is in a foul mood and harasses me and gives me a hard time. I always try to talk him down and he would be fine again until he brings it up again next time. We had been trying to have a baby he wanted a baby too but unfortunately I miscarried twice. In both instances he said that was my punishment. After I moved back I had behaved well I cut down my social activities and had stayed home cos he stopped me from seeing my friends saying they were bad influence. Recently these 6 months or so he has been staying out at least four or five times a week sometimes until the morning. I didn't confront him I thought if I give him enough freedom he would stop harassing me about the past. The times when we are together he'a always so busy with this phone messaging his friends whatsoever. 
Then I got pregnant it's 3 months now. He brings up the past again and said the baby has forced him to face our problems. He said he had tried but still can't forgive me and accept what I had done to him. He is giving up on me and is going to walk away. I am the one who has caused all this and it is too late to do anything now. He said he didn't even know if he is the baby's father cos of my lousy past. He is surely the baby's father I said we can have DNA tested. He ignores everything related to the baby and the family. He still comes home to sleep and we still sleep in the same bed but when he gets up he goes out and comes back only after I have gone to bed. 
I don't know how to deal with him. I am going to have the baby cos after 2 miscarriages the baby is a gift from God. I don't know whether he will really walk away or not. I feel insecure leaving the marriage because of financial reasons.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You cheated but he made the choice to get back with you. You are not a punching bag he can vent his anger out on. You don't deserve punishments. Telling you that your miscarriage was your fault is disgusting and no one ever deserves to be treated that way.
On top of that he very well could be cheating himself, bringing up your past as a way of making himself feel better about his own cheating now. 

Leaving now will be a lot easier than after the baby is born and you can not be around this kind of stress while having a high risk pregnancy. Do you have close family? Call them, tell them what is going on and don't be afraid to ask for help.


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

My family doesn't know about the affair and the issues between us. They always thought we were happily married. My parents are getting old especially my mom with her own health issues. although I really want to talk to them I do not want them to end up getting upset and worried. 
I feel so alone without anyone to talk to. Most of my friends don't know about the affair and the few who do they don't understand the issue facing us now.


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

I just tried to talk to him and at least try to understand what he wants now. 

He said he cannot forgive me for what I did, and he doesn't think we are ready to have a baby. He asked me to have an abortion. Bringing the baby to this world is to ruin a life. 

I can't believe he said that. That's his own baby! 
I believe that the baby is a gift from God and I shall not kill him! 

He said unless I ask the other guy out and beat him up in front of himself, he wouldn't talk to me again. He is serious about this as he has raised this several times but I had ignored him all the way. This is just plain dumb! 
I turned him down again thats when he got furious and stormed out of the house. 

I am devastated now!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bala12345 said:


> I just tried to talk to him and at least try to understand what he wants now.
> 
> He said he cannot forgive me for what I did, and he doesn't think we are ready to have a baby. He asked me to have an abortion. Bringing the baby to this world is to ruin a life.
> 
> ...


That's... kind of odd.

Who is this other guy? And how long did the affair go on?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Oh my gosh he's evil! You deserve much more! It will be hard but you will be happier in the long run
He needs therapy


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

The guy was a friend of my best friend. The affair went on for 4 months I was busted when he hired a PI to track me down. The guy is out of the picture now and I don't think even my best friend is in contact with him. 

He is blaming me he cannot get over the affair and move on cos I am unwilling to do this. 

In any case it's just dumb to ask that guy out after 2 years of no contact and then beat him up. 

I tried to talk him into counselling but he wouldn't budge. He doesn't think he has any responsibility in saving the marriage. I was crying over his asking for an abortion and he said I have caused all this.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Who cheats 6 months after getting married? What a low life loser, no wonder you don't have anyone!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wait... did you get _caught_ cheating 6 months after marrying or did the affair _start_ 6 months after marrying?

Also, this was all 3 years ago, you've had no contact w/ OM for 2 years, and were separated from your husband for 1.5 years?

Did the affair end once you were caught? Were you involved w/ the other guy _at all_ while separated from your husband?

Did your best friend know about the affair while it was going on? If so, did she (assuming she) encourage it?

How old are the two of you?

Just trying to understand, and maybe even play a bit of devil's advocate for your husband. His behavior is strange and (per your description) even abusive to a certain degree. _Some_ of it I understand (though certainly don't condone), but some of it I don't.

Does your husband have any history of mental illness? What about his parents?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Oh my gosh he's evil! You deserve much more!


Not really


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Wait... did you get _caught_ cheating 6 months after marrying or did the affair _start_ 6 months after marrying?
> 
> Also, this was all 3 years ago, you've had no contact w/ OM for 2 years, and were separated from your husband for 1.5 years?
> 
> ...


The affair started 6 months after marrying. The marriage didn't live up to my expectations and I had failed to communicate them with my husband. I started hanging out and that was how I met the OM. I was blinded with the high of a new romance. It was surely a mistake. 

Yes, that was 3 years ago. I moved back with my husband a little more than a year ago. We are both in our mid 30s. 

The affair did end after I got caught, but I was involved with another guy while we were separated. I ended everything before moving back and had cut off all contacts with any of them. 

My best friend knew what was going on. She neither encouraged nor discouraged it, but I knew she did try to talk the OM out of the affair. 

He does not have a history of mental illness, but he doesn't have the best temper neither. He's gotten into fights right up to his late 20s tho not recently. More like a typical guy. He lives far from home since a young age and is not close with his parents.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This man is obviously never going to forgive you and it's no way to live the rest of your life--with someone who is holding such disdain for you.

As long as you have an income, there are worst things in the world than being a single mother.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Bala- don't listen to the insults. You DO deserve better. No one should be treated like this.

As for this part:

Recently these 6 months or so he has been staying out at least four or five times a week sometimes until the morning. I didn't confront him I thought if I give him enough freedom he would stop harassing me about the past. The times when we are together he'a always so busy with this phone messaging his friends whatsoever.

I really wouldn't be shocked if he was also cheating at this point. 

A few years ago I had an emotional affair, lasted a few weeks. H found out, we separated for a couple months and then he moved back in. 
Then in May of this year he had a sexual affair with a woman from work. 
During this time he brought up my EA ALL the time, out of nowhere, all pissed off about it again. 

It was his way of justifying what he was doing and trying to ease his own guilt. 

You don't have to tell your family about the cheating - a man like this wouldn't be a good partner even if you hadn't cheated - but do get support. This is your first child and after what you've been through to get here you deserve to have this the happiest time of your life.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It's possible the reason he's staying out late so often is now he's having an affair. By constantly bringing up your past affair, by telling you he can never forgive you, by telling you he wants you to abort the baby knowing you want to keep the baby, what he is doing is forcing you to end the marriage. You see he wants you to do the dirty work, that way he can blame you for all the bad that caused the divorce and act like the good guy. Having you call the OM and beat him up is just so absurd he knows you would never do it, just another tactic to force you to file for divorce.

If the marriage was so bad six months in you started an affair why the hell did you go back? I don't see how a couple could ever get past that, and now you decide to bring a kid into the mess, another bad decision. How do you think the kid would turn out being raised in such a toxic home?

You two are terrible as a couple, just admit that and move on with your lives individually. The sad thing is now because of the kid you two will be dealing with each other to some degree the rest of your lives, what a mess.


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

I moved back because both of us thought we could work things out. But obviously time hasn't healed the pain. He told me today he's never been able to get the affair and my ****ty life out of his mind. 

It's also quite apparent that he is having an affair. Otherwise he wouldn't be saying such things. 

I think the marriage is over. Now I am struggling whether I should have an abortion. The child will likely have to grow up without a father. It's unfair to the child to begin with. 
But killing this child also means killing my own hopes for having a child. I have prayed and prayed for this child to come along.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello OP and sorry to hear about your situation. However, I just need to be clear about what happened.



You had certain expectations of your marriage (which you haven't clarified here) and did not tell your husband what they were.


You then got married and when these expectations were not immediately met, you started "hanging out" (whatever that means). It had to be immediate because of the timeline you described.


6 months after you got married, and while "hanging out", you met a friend of your best friend and started fvcking him. This went on for 4 months before you were caught. You did not come clean on your own - you had to be caught first, else it might have still been going on. Your best friend knew and tried to talk the POSOM out of it, but for some reason did not say anything to you. Sounds like you were the aggressor here. Is that the case ?


The whole thing went through a massive rugsweep by your husband and you, and for some inexplicable reason, after separating for 1.5 years, you got back together again. During these 1.5 years you fvcked someone else too but managed to "break it off" to be able to get back with your husband.


All of this happened 3 years ago, and during this time you managed to have two miscarriages (both babies of your husband ?).


And when your husband asks you to show him that you actually chose him over the POSOM, you said no - granted what he asked for was a bit extreme (and I still don't understand what he wanted exactly - you to beat up the POSOM ? How ? Are you particularly strong ?), a truly remorseful wife and not one that was thinking how best to protect herself would have said sure if that is what you think is best. And then tried to advise him of the consequences after assuring him that you were prepared to do anything to prove that he was your chosen one and that you were genuinely sorry.


And it now seems likely, that your husband never got over what you did and is having an affair himself (more than likely a revenge affair and it may not be his first).


Now that you are pregnant again, this is all coming home to roost for your husband and you are wondering why he is angry all over again ?


Have I got this right ?

I cannot advise you on abortion - that is a deeply personal issue for many of us - however, the two of you should be divorced. Its as simple as that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow, I understand marriage expectations, but being disappointed after six months? You both have major problems and I honestly do not know why you reconciled after 18 months. You shouldn't stay in an unhappy environment, but it sounds like neither of your actually worked anything out.

No, it isn't obvious he is having an affair. There are red flags, but he may be avoiding you and the situation. It's what you have both done for three years.

Do not let him force, manipulate or threaten you into getting an abortion. As a man, our choice ends when we get a woman pregnant IMO. I am only talking about abortion.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Hello OP and sorry to hear about your situation. However, I just need to be clear about what happened.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow... You think a truly remorseful (pregnant) wife would agree to make an appointment to meet a man she had an affair with years in the past and BEAT HIM up?? Honestly this is such a crazy idea, I would have a hard time anytime could advocate this as a good idea. 

Pregnant woman needs to try to PHYSICALLY BEAT UP previous male affair partner??


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes you were wrong for cheating but when he moved back in with you he choose to forgive you in my eyes (and I'm sure in your eyes too). He shouldn't have moved back if he was going to act the way he is acting. If he didn't want to forgive you then he should have just filed for divorce. Don't get an abortion, have the baby and when the baby is born have a DNA test and then get child support from the Dad.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In my opinion Your only option here is divorce. 

He should have ended it up front. Some can never get over this and it was an unwise decision on his part to try to remain married. He should have known himself and acted accordingly. 

Doesn't excuse your actions but it is what it is.

Sorry, 

I'd have the child if I were you.


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## bala12345 (Nov 21, 2015)

Thanks for all your replies. I do agree that divorce is probably the only option for us now. 

I seriously don't think he would be wiling to provide any child support and I shouldn't be asking for it anyway. All these years he has kept his finances to himself. We do not have any shared properties. I do have an income it will not be sufficient to maintain the current lifestyle but I will adjust accordingly. 

I am just overwhelmed by his sudden reaction as he did want a baby (otherwise we wouldn't have kept trying after two miscarriages within a year) and he seemed happy and happily announced my pregnancy to his family a couple weeks ago. 

Another thing is I should consider moving to another town where daycare facilities and single parent support is more readily available (not so much in my hometown).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It doesn't matter what he is willing to do. Go to court and enforce it. The child deserves to be supported by both parents. If you don't want it, put it in a savings account for your child when they turn 18. 
There are some cases where going for child support could do more damage than it's worth but do not think it is something you are doing for you. It's for your child- one he helped create. It has nothing to do with the problems you two have had. 

Would you still have some kind of a support system in another town? First baby being a single Mom can be difficult emotionally, you may want someone close by.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Divorce.

yes, you were wrong in marrying someone you couldn't commit to. No, that doesn't give him the OK to do whatever he wants as a punishment. 

I wouldn't want to stay married to a man who asks me as his wife, to abort our planned child. I would keep the pregnancy, take him to court as you helped give him what he wanted and he's just as much responsible. 

I would try removing myself from this situation with others support. His control over removing you from friends ect, demanding DNA and violence of the other man is worrisome. He has red flags of one who might fly off the handle.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you have made a bunch of bad decisions in the past few years but now it's time to start thinking with fore thought about repercussions of actions.

First off if you want a child and are certain you can be a good mother then there's no reason not to have the baby. In this day and age there are many many many single parent homes that turn out some great kids. You will need to plan and sacrifice, but that's something most parents do.

You said your husband wanted a child and you two planned on having a child, at this point it's too late for him to change his mind, he now has legal and ethical responsibilities. You can't force him to be a father, but the law says he has to help support the child financially. If he wants a paternity test have it done, with your history it makes sense he would be concerned. Do not make any out of court deals when it comes to support, let the court use their support formula to determine the amount and then let the court enforce the payments. Support is his responsibility to the child, it has nothing to do with your relationship with him, do not let him out of this.

Being a parent is a big deal, the days of thinking selfishly and acting spontaneously with disregard of consequences are gone, you must act mature and prioritize your life to be a good mother for that child. To a degree kids are like little echoes of their parents, the way the parents acts and lives is how the child views the world so they mimic that behavior. Learn to set a good example for the child, they see more than you will ever realize.

Good luck.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce him and make him pay child support.

Simple.

You are not young kids. You should get therapy.

If you commit having the child you desire, your husband my change his mind. Watch what he does, not what he says. Don't nag him. The obligation to his child is his issue, not yours.


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