# He wants me to get implants?



## dontwanttobeme

I need some advice. I have a long history of “issues” with my husband of 9 years. He’s very intelligent in many areas of his life, but he also lacks common sense. We all have our issues, right? Well, we have nearly split up several times, but due to our child, I have backed off. I’m also pretty religious and would like to curb divorce at all costs. But, there are days – I think I’m making a mistake. Can I ask your advice? This is the latest piece of the pie. 

We were on our weekly date night this weekend, and he proceeded to tell me he was glad to see I was showing some “cleavage”. He then went on to say that he would “not be opposed” if I decided to get bigger breasts (with implants). That I should (tongue in cheek) “give more to the family”….whatever that means. I eventually said something to him about it – and he said “he was joking”. I said, how were you joking about that, when you also went on to discuss how you wanted to pay for the surgery? He apologized. He said he was wrong. But, the damage and the insecurity is still there…ya know?

I am already very sensitive because he tells me how he thinks I should dress. He even records celebrities and tells me that he likes what they are wearing and I should “check it out”. Then, I will come home from work to him handing me magazines, where he has circled clothing that he wants me to buy. It’s usually very suggestive clothing. I don’t wear things that edgy because I am a professional woman – in a bit of a public job. Running into a colleague over the weekend with my chest hanging out, would be embarrassing! 

I am a size 4. I bounce back and forth about 5 pounds either way. However, I recently started working out more. I made mention to my H that the running made me feel so much better. He said, really, are you finally losing weight? I said, yes, I think so – but we don’t own a scale – so I’m just guessing. So, then he proceeds to say…so do you weigh more or less than you were a year ago – when you looked really good. I just shook my head and said…I would like to think about the same..and he didn’t say anything. 

Then, we had friends over this weekend for dinner. They are my friends – but my husband knows them. We’ve been out with them once before. Well, he won’t speak! He will offer to cook so he doesn’t have to talk. And he truly does not speak – unless spoken to. It’s so uncomfortable for me… Then, my friend asked me about my running routine….and I said yeah, I love it..blah blah. Then he asked my husband, do you workout? He said no – no, I don’t. I said laughing- I have been trying to get this man to go with me to the gym for 9 years and he won’t go! My husband (who rarely speaks to begin with) says “well, what’s so interesting, is I worked out all the time up until I met you….”. 

These moments are really hard to swallow. Am I being too sensitive? Or would you also find these kinds of things hard to deal with? And yes…we went to therapy..and he hasn’t returned….

Our sex life is not good -- mainly because I don't want to be near him -- when I think about all of his demands on me. I get resentful...i've been trying to let it go, but his demands don't stop ...if you get my drift. He has his needs..sexually...and makes them known.

In your opinion, is this considered emotional abuse? Would you leave under these circumstances….(gosh and there is so much more)…or how would you suggest working with him on this? 

Thanks in advance.


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## Sufficiently Breathless

I wouldn't stay with anyone who put me down and said things about my weight or body like that! Your H married you for the whole package. For him to suggest any type of plastic surgery or to tell you to lose weight is like saying he just married you for an arm trophy.

I don't think its right for ANYONE to ask to change your appearence. Besides your other post was about money issues right? How could you afford to do something like that? 

The way he is speaking to you is damaging your self confidence. You need to tell him "I dont like it when you say that to me, you married me as I am, so take it or leave it."

He has to understand as women get older their bodies change too. Whats going to happen when your boobs actually start to grace your knees? or when your skin begins to wrinkle? These are all normal signs of aging. IT HAPPENS!

How do you feel about plastic surgery? How do you feel about yourself? Who cares what he thinks, this is about YOU. You dont have to morph yourself into a perfect image for him. You have to do what makes you feel good for YOU. Besides any surgery is a risk. Do you want to go under the knife to make HIM happy???


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## DownButNotOut

Tell him you'll be happy to get implants just as soon as he has "enlargement" surgery too. Believe me, the pictures alone are enough to make any man run away screaming. *shudder*

Ok...that might not help. But tell me the thought of seeing his reaction isn't good.  
IMO...constant little biting remarks, putdowns, and criticisms are definitely abusive. Would I leave? That's tougher to answer. Have you considered couples counseling? Could you talk him into going?


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## dontwanttobeme

Well, actually I already have. He told me after my son was born that (again) "he wouldn't mind" if I decided to get implants since breast feeding changed me.... so, I did it. I kept thinking to myself...I have a young child, what if I died in surgery for THIS? Well, fortunately, I was fine -- but his latest request is to INCREASE The size ...because he feels they still aren't big enough. 

He also suggested I try lip enhancements.... so you see my dilemma.


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## DownButNotOut

Show him pictures of Daniel Craig and Matthew Mcconaughey, and tell him when his abs look like that to bring the topic up again. 

Seriously. You're falling into a giant spiral of "please him". Every time to give ground like this...he'll keep wanting more. How many plastic surgeries are you willing to undergo for him?

The most important opinion about your body is YOURS. If you are happy with your body image then it's all good.

If I were a woman, (And since I'm not...my advice isn't worth much here) I'd tell him love it or leave it. What he thinks of your body is HIS issue, not yours. As a size 4, and one who exercises, I'm willing to bet you look darned good.


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## sisters359

You are married to a very insecure man. He is putting all his self-esteem onto you and how you look. This is truly pathetic and he needs a major wake up call. I stuck with a man like this for a LONG time, but he refused to get counseling, etc., so I am finally leaving. Now he is falling apart and getting counseling, but I have no respect for him b/c he is so weak. Your husband sounds very similar. I think your mental health is at risk if you stay with him the way things are. Remember, he may just run out and look for another "trophy wife" if you leave--or, he may fall apart and beg, beg, beg you to come back. Neither of these is the solution--he needs heavy-duty therapy to straighten out his issues and he may never accomplish that, anyway. Do you really want to live with someone who treats you like this? What will he do to your child, if he constantly pins his expectations on others? My husband was very damaging to our eldest's self-esteem, b/c that son didn't live up to his dad's need to have "the perfect child." I should have left when that started, but thankfully I've been able to help my son and I got him into counseling. I'd run, not walk, out of the marriage, but that is me. Best of luck, whatever you decide, and don't be afraid to be alone and broke; it feels WAY better than being someone's "work in progress."


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## dontwanttobeme

My husband is actually thin - (naturally) but does not work out and lacks upper body definition. He won't go to the gym because he is ashamed of his body. He goes from saying that -- to strutting around in his underwear begging me to "check it out". He circles lingere in catalogs and asks me to order it -- pushes us into Victoria Secret when we are shopping.... He also text messages me NON STOP sexual references. I tend to avoid the conversation -- so I think he is sex starved. But, I really could care less at the moment. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is meet his demands (sexually) after he spent the weekend insinuating that I am not good enough for him. But will say -- out of the blue -- that "i" am too good for him and he doesn't know how he got me. What in the world am I supposed to think???

Here's the thing -- he won't leave me. He will insult me, but he will never leave. He knows I make the money for the family. He wouldn't have his monthly massage and weekly steak dinner, if he left me. He will just continue this pattern. I have made the threats. I have told him to stop the "shopping" for me..and it dies down for awhile, but then it's back with double time. 

Sorry, I am just sad -- and at a loss. It's tough to be hurting like this..and to feel like I'd have to start all over again. Truth is ..I'd miss the companionship -- but honestly, it's almost always unpleasant, so I don't know why I keep trying so hard.


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## JDPreacher

This guy is a complete jerk, ass, douche...whatever other adjective one can come up with...

I'm sure your boobs are fine, your lips are fine...he's the one who should be insecure...

If I were you...it would be time for the exit plan and getting out...you're just going to continue to feel lousy about yourself and have the same issues...and all the time and energy you will spend on this life...could be better spent rebuilding YOUR life.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## DownButNotOut

yep...Mr. Insecure.

Instead of changing himself, he tries to change you.

So he won't leave. But it sounds like you are the better off of the two of you. So really....the choice is yours. If he won't change, will you put up with him?

Remember...sometimes you feel the most alone when with someone you despise. Sometimes starting over is a good thing. Would you rather be a happy single mother, or a miserable wife?


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## Earthmother1970

My husband also suggested I get my breasts done and said countless times that he couldn't be married to a "fat" woman...

Guess what? 

He's soon to be my ex- husband


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## GAsoccerman

My wife wants a "mommy makeover" (tummy tuck and breast lift) 

I told her it is up to her, I am fine with how she looks, but if she wants it go ahead, but when she is ready we should do plenty of research on finding the best Doctor for this, a bad procedure can do some real harm. 

My wife also wants her Eyes "corrected" I told her to make a dr. appointment and go for it when she is ready

but if you do not want it, then don't do it. I've watch my wife go from a size 2 to a size 8, she still looks smoking hot to me.


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## Sandy55

Breast REPAIR done as a result breastfeeding is a plausible reason behind surgery. 

Your HUSBAND's _problem _is much deeper: a) he is selfish and that is a _personality_ flaw and b) he is immature and that is a _developmental_ flaw. 

Successful marriage is about *synergy*: each individual's FEELING of *self worth* is *enhanced* by the presence of the other. Synergy *cannot *be accomplished with a partner who is too selfish to enhance the other. Larger breasts at HIS request does not enhance your self worth because it implies you are not good enough just the way you are. This is why you are feeling less of a person, because he has flat out told you your boobs are good enough, your method of dressing is not good enough. 

Our partners are our closest and most dearly held critics. We women hold them in high regard otherwise we would not let them into our, "parts" and see us at our most vulnerable. We women need them to make us feel _safe,_, both emotionally and physically in order for sex and deep intimacy to happen. We take seriously what they say and do. The more vulnerable we feel inside, the more what they say and do affect us.

If your partner is pointing out what in his *OPINION* are ways you would be a "better" person via the physical and visual he is doing it for himself. His pointing out you "need" improvement in your physical attributes he is setting you up for feeling inferior. No one in life needs negative input.

Your SPOUSE is in trouble because his critisisms are the waves of destruction crashing against the foundation of your marriage. 

YOU on the other hand need to re-assess if you want to spend more of your life with someone who is undermining your marital foundation and the overall character development of your male child. You need to decide if you want your young son to become a man like his shallow, selfish father. 

You can look at this whole realization about your spouse in a positive vein: 

Your H is providing YOU with some valuable information: what a selfish *jerk* looks like. This way perhaps you will be A) able to avoid marrying another one, and B) able to counteract his negative influence on your young son. 

Unless your jerk of a husband learns how to be a mature man you are headed for either a long row to hoe, or a divorce.

Tell him "No" to the fixing of your physical body and tell him at least you have "deficiencies" that CAN be *:rofl:* fixed.


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## LaBella

You need to make an stand. My H is not happy with the way I look 20 years after marriage and 2 kids, but I really do not care, I feel good and do what I can then that is all he gets. I wish I had a size 4 body, but I am far from that :rofl:. Humans are never satisfy with what we have, we all what more, but I agree he is playing on his insecurities, one thing is for him to come and say "Honey, I would like to see you in this sexy lingerie, sometime for me", as to "I want you to show your cleavage so everybody can see the "Trophy wife I have".



dontwanttobeme said:


> Here's the thing -- he won't leave me. He will insult me, but he will never leave. He knows I make the money for the family. He wouldn't have his monthly massage and weekly steak dinner, if he left me. He will just continue this pattern. I have made the threats. I have told him to stop the "shopping" for me..and it dies down for awhile, but then it's back with double time.


You might have to do some treats and be ready to follow them. He need counseling and a wake up call right now you have said all with what a quote it, he won't leave you, but will you? Treat him that either he gets his butt to the closest counselor, changes his attitude or you will leave him, and be ready to leave to make the point. He needs to know that his insecurites are hurting you and that you are tire of them.

Either that or just pack up and leave, and do not look back.


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## Lavender

:iagree:with LaBella... I would Not forget the little shrude comments he has said & you are not being over sensitive ..he is being hurtful & cruel to damage your security level as a female when he should be boosting it...

Id have a long talk with him where the scapegoat of Im Joking wasnt used as an excuse to avoid facing what his comments really mean.. people say things they feel often but when called on them in order to avoid Hell confrontation they retreat to "didnt mean it that way avoidance " It was a joke or you misread the meaning behind my comment excuses will follow Only when the person see's Your gonna question there comment further because something about it felt insulting to You!!

Joking or not some comments are damaging regardless.I'm currently dealing with similiar issue of Not Knowing what to believe " the original comment " or the comment damage clean up control system of excuses trying to take them back.. but you  still feel they meant them to begin with & it can be confusing & hurtful... Good Luck deciding or figuring out if the before or after is sincere...

as for surgery ONLY do that for yourself & No One else!!!


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## dontwanttobeme

I hate to say it -- but after all I have been through with him -- I think I"m done. I have a horrible fear of being alone. A single mother? Explaining divorce to my catholic family? It's worst case scenario. But, he is making my life so tough -- date night is supposed to be a luxury for us to spend time together and instead he uses it as a time to take me to find more cleavage bearing tops and ask me to get bigger implants? 

Then, he apologizes after I bring it up and then begins to pout. I didn't even yell or scream. I just told him he hurt my feelings...then HE starts to pout. I said why are YOU so quiet, now? He said you always seem to find something to get fixate on -- you never hear my compliments you only focus on the negative. I said wow, well I never even mention the majority of the hurtful things you say, but this time I did and you think I'm focusing on the negative? I asked him how he would feel if I asked him to get liposuction? He stopped the conversation and said "ok, you've made your point, I feel bad enough please spare me the tongue lashing". 

I guess that is a sign that he doesn't fully "get it". Would you agree?


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## JDPreacher

Yes, I would agree...

Preacher


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## DownButNotOut

Nope...I don't think he "gets it".

You are a professional woman, in a good job. Single motherhood might not be a walk in the park, but it has to be a far cry better than being broken down emotionally through the years.

I know it is scary. The unknown always is. But you have to do what is best for you. If you don't do it, who will? 

Hang in there.


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## MarkTwain

dontwanttobeme-

I can't believe you're even entertaining the thought of wondering if he's worth keeping. The only surgery you need consider is husband removal!


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## humpty dumpty

ask him to get his penis enlarged and move on !!!


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## DownButNotOut

Yep!

And I still say, throw down a picture of Daniel Craig, point and say "When you get the chest I want, I'll get the chest you want"


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## GAsoccerman

I say divorce him then get the implants LOL have his alimony pay for them and send him a thank you card with a nice pic of them in a bikini top....LOL


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## dontwanttobeme

Thank you so much for ALL of your feedback. I'm grateful. I guess it helps to hear that I am not passing up 'more chances' by saying 'I'm done' right now.

I was torn because I was thinking back to a month ago when he posted a picture of me (in a cleavage bearing dress he picked) on his facebook page saying how hot his wife looked. People thought he was soooo sweet. But, now I realize that wasn't about ME it was about HIM. He wanted to show people what HE had. Someone (friends) might not think that, on the surface, but if they knew what he consistantly says and suggests to me - they'd understand it's his game. He wants to prove himself through me. 
My son is a toddler, and this morning he smiled and my husband looked at him and said "look at me and smile" and he gave me a hesitant look and said there's a LOT of gum line there. My son looked at me and said 'what's gum line mean, mommy?'. That was proof to me - that I have to stop the cycle. 

Thank you again. I am in for a rough and scary ride. Partly, because now I believe most men think this way. They may not say it...but they too will think my boobs need to be bigger or my waist could be smaller. What's sad is I tend to think people who are my size are in decent shape.


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## preso

dontwanttobeme said:


> I need some advice. I have a long history of “issues” with my husband of 9 years. He’s very intelligent in many areas of his life, but he also lacks common sense. We all have our issues, right? Well, we have nearly split up several times, but due to our child, I have backed off. I’m also pretty religious and would like to curb divorce at all costs. But, there are days – I think I’m making a mistake. Can I ask your advice? This is the latest piece of the pie.
> 
> We were on our weekly date night this weekend, and he proceeded to tell me he was glad to see I was showing some “cleavage”. He then went on to say that he would “not be opposed” if I decided to get bigger breasts (with implants). That I should (tongue in cheek) “give more to the family”….whatever that means. I eventually said something to him about it – and he said “he was joking”. I said, how were you joking about that, when you also went on to discuss how you wanted to pay for the surgery? He apologized. He said he was wrong. But, the damage and the insecurity is still there…ya know?
> 
> I am already very sensitive because he tells me how he thinks I should dress. He even records celebrities and tells me that he likes what they are wearing and I should “check it out”. Then, I will come home from work to him handing me magazines, where he has circled clothing that he wants me to buy. It’s usually very suggestive clothing. I don’t wear things that edgy because I am a professional woman – in a bit of a public job. Running into a colleague over the weekend with my chest hanging out, would be embarrassing!
> 
> I am a size 4. I bounce back and forth about 5 pounds either way. However, I recently started working out more. I made mention to my H that the running made me feel so much better. He said, really, are you finally losing weight? I said, yes, I think so – but we don’t own a scale – so I’m just guessing. So, then he proceeds to say…so do you weigh more or less than you were a year ago – when you looked really good. I just shook my head and said…I would like to think about the same..and he didn’t say anything.
> 
> Then, we had friends over this weekend for dinner. They are my friends – but my husband knows them. We’ve been out with them once before. Well, he won’t speak! He will offer to cook so he doesn’t have to talk. And he truly does not speak – unless spoken to. It’s so uncomfortable for me… Then, my friend asked me about my running routine….and I said yeah, I love it..blah blah. Then he asked my husband, do you workout? He said no – no, I don’t. I said laughing- I have been trying to get this man to go with me to the gym for 9 years and he won’t go! My husband (who rarely speaks to begin with) says “well, what’s so interesting, is I worked out all the time up until I met you….”.
> 
> These moments are really hard to swallow. Am I being too sensitive? Or would you also find these kinds of things hard to deal with? And yes…we went to therapy..and he hasn’t returned….
> 
> Our sex life is not good -- mainly because I don't want to be near him -- when I think about all of his demands on me. I get resentful...i've been trying to let it go, but his demands don't stop ...if you get my drift. He has his needs..sexually...and makes them known.
> 
> In your opinion, is this considered emotional abuse? Would you leave under these circumstances….(gosh and there is so much more)…or how would you suggest working with him on this?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


tell him you'll get implants if he does, he goes first ( penis implant)
:rofl:


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## DownButNotOut

dontwanttobeme said:


> Thank you again. I am in for a rough and scary ride. Partly, because now I believe most men think this way. They may not say it...but they too will think my boobs need to be bigger or my waist could be smaller. What's sad is I tend to think people who are my size are in decent shape.


a: Good for you! For seeing him for what he truly is!

b: Don't think that way. There are plenty of men who aren't complete pigs.  What you need is time. Time to get through this, time to get on your own two feet, and time to heal. When the time is right, you'll see that there are plenty of men out there who are ready to accept you for who you are, not who they want you to be.


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## sisters359

Try not to be afraid--stop and ask yourself, what is there to fear? You are already "alone," because he is, and clearly has not been, "there" for you--the only difference is that now you are aware of that. Being on your own is an opportunity--embrace it! Imagine it as though you were just out of school and taking your first job and apartment--yeah, a little scary but so exciting! Envision your home without any of his mess (this was the very first thing I envisioned, b/c my husband is a pig, and OMG, there was no turning back!! I envisioned sex with someone new NEXT, and of course, that sealed the deal for me!)

Please send me a message if you get scared or fearful. I'm so excited about being on my own that I might be able to send positive vibes through the keyboard!! 

Best of luck. And don't worry about your family--Catholics are allowed to divorce. It's the remarriage that is the stickier part, and you don't have to think about that now!


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## dcrim

No, girl...we don't all think this way!

Personally, I'd love whatever you had...because it's you. 

Your H is being a high school kind of male. It's NOT about boobs...but the person that wears them.


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## Rhea

*Here's the thing -- he won't leave me. He will insult me, but he will never leave. He knows I make the money for the family. He wouldn't have his monthly massage and weekly steak dinner, if he left me. He will just continue this pattern. I have made the threats. I have told him to stop the "shopping" for me..and it dies down for awhile, but then it's back with double time.*

Hell no he's not going to leave you because then who else does he have to hide his insecurities behind. Honey if you've bore children and you're a size 4 bless your heart:smthumbup: I know some people are blessed w/good genes. I myself am between a 6 and 4 but "shapely" if that makes sense. What I mean is just because you're a certain size (ME) doesn't mean you're in shape (I'm not) so yeah I can say I'm a 6 but uh, it could use some toning. YOU on the other hand work out and run, so I'm sure your 4 looks damn good 

You sound like you take very good care of yourself and your health. Don't let this a**hole take out his self esteem issues on you! Yes single Mom-hood can be tough at times, and we all get lonely but hey "that's life" it's a hell of a lot better than someone trying to make you into their barbie doll. He didn't marry you to parade you like Miss f*cking Texas he married you for YOU. He sounds very immature and really needs to grow up as well as getting some help because he's got some serious problems the marjor one is being a "Pompus A**"


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## sisters359

Why are you waiting for HIM to leave? Have him served with divorce papers. You are obviously smart and savvy. You have a job. You will do FINE. 

Threats don't work because they are just that--threats. I don't threaten; I warn--and you get one warning. My husband, my kids, my students, and my dogs (;0) all know that I will follow through. As I say about parenting, "you just have to be willing to get up out of the chair," meaning, they need to know you will take action if the warning isn't heeded. So if you feel you want to try, give him a warning and make sure he knows it is NOT another threat. "You go to counseling and work on your self-esteem, we go to marriage counseling, AND you stop making any comments about my dress or body that can be construed in ANY WAY as negative. If you do not, I'm done with this marriage. I will file for divorce." Have the papers ready--that will definitely shock him.

But, you don't owe him anything. He's had 9 years to listen to you and learn. If you are done now, then leave in peace. You cannot know that even if your warning is heeded, that he CAN change, permanently. You could just be throwing more time into the waste basket. Best of luck, whatever you decide.


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## martino

I could buy several nice guitars with "implant money," what a waste of cash. (Him wanting them that is)


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## dontwanttobeme

I guess my biggest concern about leaving -- is that overall, my husband is the one who cooks, cleans -- keeps those types of things in line. He is generally supportive of me -- but then I don't know why I stick up for him so much. I guess I just think that all men are like this or worse. Afterall, he has spent us into the ground because he can't live within our means. Unless it comes to me, I got the ugly eye (I make over 200k) when I bought a 90.00 rug the other day. He also wanted to make sure HE booked my airline flight the moment I found out my father died tragically. He wanted to make sure I didn't go overboard with my fare. God, I sit here and write that and think how in the world have I put up with this so long. Why does he have me so snowed? He is controling and demeaning. (I am a model/run modeling company) I guess that's why I am so used to people telling me how I should look or act. But, that doesn't give my husband license to tell me to inflate my chest or lips, right? Or how I should dress when I am with him...... in public or in the bedroom. Or how much I should spend when I'm forced to fly home ALONE to face the death of my father -- because he was too cheap to book the ticket. 

I think about this..and i'm in tears. Thank you again everyone.


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## Earthmother1970

I really think you should leave, before he destroys the last bit of selfworth you are holding onto - hire a housekeeper and a nanny - they'll probably work out cheaper than the husband.

Keep strong! Becoming a single mom is a tough and scary thing to face ( as I well know) but the sense of freedom and relief you will experience will someday be stronger than the doubts and fears. 

Best wishes!


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## GAsoccerman

you know my mother never worked a day in her life, she had five kids, this was the 1970's. My father did everythign around the house, my mother was a prissy queen.

My father died, she had five kids, the youngest being 18 months old.

There was no government assistance, no child care, no nothing....it terms of support like there is now.

She survived, she learned to cope and adjust. She raised 5 kids, kept a roof over our heads and fed us. She had to get a job, she had never worked before.

If she can do it, you can do it.


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## Sufficiently Breathless

I say if he wants the new boobs.. he gets them himself.. maybe with some new items to play with he can leave you alone.

Then he can deal with the backaches that a bigger chest brings as well as suffering with the post surgery pain... And while hes at it tell him you want him to have a bigger penis.. fun for both of you! 

If that don't shut him up, i have a set of unused china to throw at his head


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## MarkTwain

dontwanttobeme said:


> Partly, because now I believe most men think this way. They may not say it...but they too will think my boobs need to be bigger or my waist could be smaller. What's sad is I tend to think people who are my size are in decent shape.


If this is what you really think, it could explain why you have what you have.


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## dontwanttobeme

I guess you are right, Mark Twain. It's my constant tolerance of this behavior that has chipped away at my objectivety. I guess that's what makes it so difficult to break free, no? Would you say this is emotional abuse? It's just hard because he is so oblivious to this and maintains such a 'what's wrong attitude?'. Basically, he makes me feel bad for questioning his love for me....


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## Veronica Jackson

Sounds to me like you have to be more flexible, at least he is attracted to you sexually. Get some sexy clothes and be adventurous, take a trip to a place where you can't be seen. 

At least you have date night and a man that is attracted to you. As for divorce, I think the catholics will understand. lol.

Loosen up and have fun for a change.


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## dontwanttobeme

Wow, well honestly I have to drink in order to get myself remotely close to intimacy with him. We have a friendship - yes, he is attracted to me. Apparently, so much, he wants more cleavage. I can't tell you the last time I enjoyed sex with him, without having 3 glasses of wine. I suppose that is resentment. But, he sends me lewd text messages at 8am and says 'apparently you hate me' if I don't respond equally lewd. These days I pretend I'm in a meeting. 
So, loosen up? Boy, if I could that would be great - but I just can't myself to do that.

And catholics would understand? What do you mean? Because of what he has requested?

Thanks for your feedback.


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## Sandy55

"I just think that all men are like this or worse".

Not true, some are trainable. :rofl: 

(Duck _now_ cause here it comes!!! :rofl 

Not really guys, just was messin' w/ya. :rofl: and the temptation just got the best of me.

I love men. My downfall.


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## michzz

Your H is projecting his own inadequacy on you and he is a bit bored. 

If you don't want a divorce, why not a formal separation?

He doesn't seem like someone you want in your life now.


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## dontwanttobeme

My problem is I enjoy having a 'husband'. Stupid, I know. But, every Sat night we go out for a few hours of alone time and I value that. However, last Sat is a good example that it is often mired in negativity. I came home and started drinking wine in fear that I was going to have to 'be' with him intimately. 

I guess I just need some good girlfriends. I also need to realize that God will forgive me, I just hope I will be able to stay away for good. The last time I said I was leaving he threatened suicide and I caved because I couldn't see him like that. I felt terrible. I just need to be strong and pray for strength.


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## dontwanttobeme

So, I have been holding my silence. I haven't told him yet. I'm trying to line up a plan for seperation. I know this is going to be difficult. How have you told your spouses that you want to seperate? Do you pack and up and leave and then tell them as your about to pull out or do you do it in advance? I'm concerned that I won't be able stay strong and will cave to his apologies and/or threats of harming himself. Just wondered what the best plan of attack really is... thank you.


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## Sufficiently Breathless

I told my H. We are seperated living in the same house until I have finances together to move out. It makes day to day living kind of hard... some days harder than others.

My H is still trying to win me over, make me stay, telling me he will change. But I don't see it happening as we have been to this place before, and nothing ever changed. 

So basically I have a room mate right now, that I'm legally tied to. I think it is better to talk to them before you make the move. That way its less surprising and less stressful when the day to go actually comes.. maybe lol 

I'm still having a hard time trying to figure out when and how to tell my kids (daughter 7, son 4).


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## MarkTwain

dontwanttobeme said:


> *Partly, because now I believe most men think this way. * They may not say it...but they too will think my boobs need to be bigger or my waist could be smaller. What's sad is I tend to think people who are my size are in decent shape.





MarkTwain said:


> If this is what you really think, it could explain why you have what you have.





dontwanttobeme said:


> I guess you are right, Mark Twain. It's my constant tolerance of this behavior that has chipped away at my objectivety.


I'm afraid you did not quite understand me. What I am saying is that if you think all men are like this, you will not bother to look for one that is not; whereas women who *know *that some men are more worthwhile than others, will deliberately seek out a good man, and reject the others.

I never like to take gender sides, but really, I could not let your statement go.



dontwanttobeme said:


> I guess that's what makes it so difficult to break free, no? Would you say this is emotional abuse? It's just hard because he is so oblivious to this and maintains such a 'what's wrong attitude?'. Basically, he makes me feel bad for questioning his love for me....


He is crashingly insensitive, and you certainly did not help yourself or him by tolerating this sort of behaviour. But if he sees that you're about to "vote with your feet", he may well "buck his ideas up" as we say in the UK.

I must say, I have a very low opinion of any spouse who suggests their partner have unnecessary cosmetic surgery. But you chose him. You must have known he was an insensitive brute... I mean, if he says this sort of thing to your face, one can only imagine what he says to you about other people. Does he have some redeeming features?


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## dontwanttobeme

That is true. I almost didn't marry him and shouldn't have. My parents were mad that we were living together and disowned me for living in sin ..until we either got married or broke up -- so I chose the path of easiest resistance. I got married. 
My parents used to say they thought my H was chronicly depressed (don't think he actually is) because he is very negative. He fixates on the negative with everything. We are currently renting a house (have rented for years) because he does not like what we can afford. If the house isn't updated or big enough for his expectations - we can't live there. For example, yesterday, he was complaining that the granite countertops in our leased home were not properly installed and/or sealed. He was saying it was not nearly as nice as other homes he's seen. I kept silent. But, that's typical.

Yes, he has redeaming qualities. He's a morale man. I don't believe he would cheat on me and he is a decent father. He also cooks and is very clean. So clean, he spends his mornings scrubbing the house -- while the nanny watches our son. 


I do realize there are better men out there. To be honest, I'm scared that I'm not good enough for them. I am in therapy trying to improve my self esteem. Over the years, the constant looks of disapproval of my clothing, commentary and even breasts....have made me feel as if I'm not worthy.


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## Terran007

dontwanttobeme said:


> I am already very sensitive because he tells me how he thinks I should dress. He even records celebrities and tells me that he likes what they are wearing and I should “check it out”. Then, I will come home from work to him handing me magazines, where he has circled clothing that he wants me to buy. It’s usually very suggestive clothing. I don’t wear things that edgy because I am a professional woman – in a bit of a public job. Running into a colleague over the weekend with my chest hanging out, would be embarrassing!
> 
> Then, we had friends over this weekend for dinner. They are my friends – but my husband knows them. We’ve been out with them once before. Well, he won’t speak! He will offer to cook so he doesn’t have to talk. And he truly does not speak – unless spoken to. It’s so uncomfortable for me… Then, my friend asked me about my running routine….and I said yeah, I love it..blah blah. Then he asked my husband, do you workout? He said no – no, I don’t. I said laughing- I have been trying to get this man to go with me to the gym for 9 years and he won’t go! My husband (who rarely speaks to begin with) says “well, what’s so interesting, is I worked out all the time up until I met you….”.


I'm sorry, but does anyone else's GAYDAR go off on this? :rofl:

Ahem.

Anyway, yeah, I knew what to think of the guy from your first thread... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/5113-please-read-i-need-help.html

Personally, he seems like a jerk. But I wonder if you told him how you felt (even about leaving him and all), to see how he would change. This is of course, after you make a good plan for being able to separate first.


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## dontwanttobeme

Gaydar? Can I ask what you mean? Funny you say that because the majority of his friends are gay. My concerns were so high recently, I asked him about it. He swore that he was not gay and said he would no longer hang out with his gay friends. He was very disturbed by my line of questioning.


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## Terran007

dontwanttobeme said:


> Gaydar? Can I ask what you mean? Funny you say that because the majority of his friends are gay. My concerns were so high recently, I asked him about it. He swore that he was not gay and said he would no longer hang out with his gay friends. He was very disturbed by my line of questioning.


Wow... well I have to say... a guy that thinks its ok to mooch off his wife like this, then is so into fashion magazines and watches fashion shows, talks to you like you're an object... AND he hangs out with gay "friends"... hmmm

It seems pretty obvious he's using you for your money to a justifiable extent, and then this... I think that might be the missing piece of the puzzle. Wouldn't it make sense if you operated on the idea that he was gay? It seems he was mad at you and decided not to hang out with his gay friends in order to throw you off his scent.

Well, no one ever said I lacked imagination...


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## Sandy55

My dh has a gay friend, everyone but my dh realizes that he is gay. My dh has NO "gaydar" for his friends, interesting. My dh does not like being around "gay" people. So funny he hangs with this guy whenever he gets a chance.



He just loves this friends. I do too, he makes the BEST french toast and fancy meals....LOL. 

Gaydar is being able to determine if a person is gay or not.


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## Terran007

Sorry, I forgot to mention what GAYDAR means. 

And btw, I don't think that there's any problems with having gay friends. It doesn't mean someone's gay at all. I wouldn't have anything at all against people that were gay and wanted to be friends, but I just happen to not know any (that I know of). I just have one distant family member on my sister's BIL's side, and we get along fine and he's really a nice guy.


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## dontwanttobeme

Oh I know what it means lol...I just wondered why she felt he might be...but YES, I can see your point. He really makes me wonder. I just hate all of this drama. I need to realize there are NUMEROUS problems. We have spent so much energy on these issues...I think my life (after grieving) would seem a lot more optimistic if I didn't have all of his problems to deal with.


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## MarkTwain

dontwanttobeme-

So tell me, in as much as you have admitted that you are in therapy yourself... are you marital problems 50/50 or is it mostly him do you think?


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## dontwanttobeme

Well, to be honest...I think the problems began mostly on his end. But, I would admit that I don't try very hard anymore. I can imagine some of his antics are his cries for attention. I think I like the idea of having a 'safe' husband. I sacrifice in order to have someone I can not try with..if that makes sense. 

I think I made mistakes in not admitting to him my true feelings on numerous occasions. But, I have good reason. For example, I just sat down and calmly told him that I am still hurting from the plastic surgery comment. He said I told you, I apologize, and I don't want to talk about again. I said but it's still bothering me and he said I don't want to hear another word. He got up, slam the door, and left to return to work. 

I don't think that was my fault. But, I do believe I've made mistakes along the way too.


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## Terran007

Wow, seriously. I'm pretty sure it's mostly on his side of things. If my wife made 200k I would be kissing the ground she walked on lol

But in all seriousness, he really needs to grow the heck up and actually work on the relationship.

At this point though, bringing this stuff up is obviously too much for him to handle. Right now you gotta figure out if it's worth mentioning this stuff at all, or if you can just let it go. He obviously doesn't seem interested in the relationship too much, so you just have to figure out how interested _you_ are in it?

You said


> I sacrifice in order to have someone I can not try with.


So question is... is it worth trying for you? Or are you just venting more than trying to solve the issues at hand?


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## dontwanttobeme

Well, I am scared. I'm probably venting too much because I have family members who will disown me for leaving him. I feel like I need to hear that I am not crazy for believing that he is too much for one to bear. I KNOW (they already have) they will tell me that I will go to hell because I did not forgive him for what he's done for me. But, I have close friends who just observe (know nothing of this) who look at me like an idiot for putting up with his behavior. He is just quiet and judgemental at times. We were at an awards ceremony (professionally) among a group of our peers and he won a seperate award. They asked everyone who won to gather for a practice ceremony. I went to walk with him and (in front of all our peers) and he said no you wait here this is just for winners. We BOTH won an award - we both belonged in there. He wanted to make it like I wasn't good enough to go with him. Meanwhile, all of our peers brought their Non-winner dates (wives &husbands) to the practice and he left me standing there. My family saw this and my mom said "you need to work with him". 

So, I apologize for venting. I need to find the inner strength because I will lose my family in the process of gaining my dignity. It's a tough decision....to be honest. Is he worth it? I've tried....and tried ...and tried. I am currently (secretly) looking for places to move to...and nannies to hire for my son. It is going to be very hard. Obviously, I'm far from perfect too. But, I'm scared. Knowing that just about everyone on this board heard about his behavior and thought it was too much to put up with -- makes me feel like I am justified in standing up for myself. Thanks again for your feedback and allowing me to air out my feelings. I'm grateful.


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## Terran007

dontwanttobeme said:


> I have family members who will disown me for leaving him.


Sorry, but this just proves there are stupid people in this world. Let THEM put up with him day in and day out as a spouse / partner and see how they like it.

Yeah dude sounds like an all around jerk. You're obviously not happy, and are looking for places to go, so just do it. That is, unless you want to see what happens when you threaten him first.


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## Veronica Jackson

Terran007 said:


> Sorry, but this just proves there are stupid people in this world. Let THEM put up with him day in and day out as a spouse / partner and see how they like it.
> 
> Yeah dude sounds like an all around jerk. You're obviously not happy, and are looking for places to go, so just do it. That is, unless you want to see what happens when you threaten him first.


^^Co-siggity.

My comment earlier....
As for *divorce*, I think the catholics will understand. I was referring to divorce, its common._ Most _people get over it and move on.


Forgive me if I think this comment scares me.



dontwanttobeme said:


> . I KNOW (they already have) they will tell me that I will go to hell because I did not forgive him for what he's done for me.


Sounds cultish and controlling.


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## dcrim

Suicide is his choice. You make whatever decisions you need to for you. 

My xwife asked me to marry her and threatened suicide if I didn't. We had 3 wonderful kids, but ultimately separated and divorced.


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## Veronica Jackson

Dearest dontwanttobeme,

Self-dignity is worth the trouble, you sound like a very nice person that doesn't deserve this jerk. Sounds like he just pushes the limit and doesn't wait for you to feel comfortable. 

Sex and exploration of ourselves should be comfortable, not comprimising. As for your mom, I'm sorry but she doesn't know what she's talking about. Everyone around you sounds insensitive and brainwashed.

I hope you make the right decision for YOUR life, remember that.


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## dontwanttobeme

Hi there. I just wanted to thank everyone here for their words of advise and encouragement. I also wanted to update you. I am house hunting for a place for me and my son. I have firmly decided to leave. I am very anxious about it -- and very concerned that I will having a break down or something on the other side of this. But, my H just doesn't seem to know when to stop his crazy behavior.

A few months ago, I posted on here about how he asked his elderly parents (one has cancer -other early alzeheimers) who are still working and can't retire -- for money. As I posted, our income combined is over 200k a year. We are not broke -- he just wanted some new furniture and to have some extra cash for new tires for his car and a vacation. I will say that we live very close to the edge financially because my h doesn't like houses that aren't up to date and the cars have to be prestine. He is very anal retentive. Anyway, we DO NOT need someone else's money! We could stop eating out or drinking wine if we really needed money. He has a nanny for when he is off work for God's sake. Anyway, I made him agree that he would not take money from his sick parents. He did it anyway. 
We fought over it. He understood my point. But, he still kept the money because "his parents said it was ok".

Anyway, fast forward 3 weeks. His parents live out of state and they are not computer literate. So, when the come to visit, he purchases the plane tickets and they pay him back when they arrive. This time -- he bought the tickets 2 weeks after they gave him about 20k as "early inheritance". Yesterday, he told me he was "concerned that he hadn't received the check" to repay him for the airline tickets. He was considering CALLING them and asking them where his 300.00 check was!

THAT was it! I finally understood -- he does NOT get it and NEVER will.

Thanks again for the support.


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## Terran007

Interesting developments. Keep us posted!


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## Rhea

Wow man is given 20k and is worried about $300 eeesh.


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## COLD LOVE

These moments are really hard to swallow. Am I being too sensitive? Or would you also find these kinds of things hard to deal with? And yes…we went to therapy..and he hasn’t returned….

Our sex life is not good -- mainly because I don't want to be near him -- when I think about all of his demands on me. I get resentful...i've been trying to let it go, but his demands don't stop ...if you get my drift. He has his needs..sexually...and makes them known.

In your opinion, is this considered emotional abuse? Would you leave under these circumstances….(gosh and there is so much more)…or how would you suggest working with him on this? 

Thanks in advance.[/QUOTE]

yes i do think you are too sensitive. there is nothing wrong with your H telling you what he likes you to wear .. hes only telling you that he loves your hot body and he wants to see more of it in diferrent styles!the nasty coments he made when your friends where over is probably his reaction to no sex.lighten up smile at him and go shopping with him..thats what i would do.


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## Freak On a Leash

COLD LOVE said:


> yes i do think you are too sensitive. there is nothing wrong with your H telling you what he likes you to wear .. hes only telling you that he loves your hot body and he wants to see more of it in diferrent styles!the nasty coments he made when your friends where over is probably his reaction to no sex.lighten up smile at him and go shopping with him..thats what i would do.


  Maybe you should read the WHOLE thread and see that it's more than a husband telling his wife that she looks better in a red dress instead of a blue one, or that he love to see a bit more cleavage showing from time to time. Heck, my husband mentioned to me that I might want to check out one those push up bras (I recently purchased a few T-shirts with a low cut "V" neck) and I thought that was fine and said "Hey, I'll check it out". I think this is a very different situation here. 

What the husband is doing is continuous emotional abuse and will not only destroy the marriage but the OPs self esteem. And what about her child who will undoubtedly be a victim of this as well? Maybe the husband should log onto the internet if he wants to get his rocks off and leave his wife alone. Would YOU want to have sex with someone who is constantly tearing you down? It's more than just the cleavage. He seems to be "on" her about everything and seems to be a very unpleasant person in general who cares for nothing or no one else. Sounds like a classic narcissist. 

In any case, this thread is fairly old so.... What happened? Did the OP leave that jerk she calls a husband? I sure hope so, especially because that man she calls a husband will not only make life miserable for her, but screw up her child's life as well! How do I know this? I grew up with overcritical parents who were never satisfied with ANYTHING I did in my life. Mealtimes consisted on long lectures on how I could "improve" myself. NOTHING I did was ever good enough. It screwed me up royally for years. Please, don't let that happen to your child!

I don't know if the OP is still checking this thread but here's my .02...

Heck, you're a size 4 and he's complaining? What's going to happen when you hit middle age and just age naturally? He's going to have you getting face lifts and liposuction? You are going to live your life under a plastic surgeon's knife? 

Better to be alone then be with a jerk like this. To have to drink 3 glasses of wine to have sex with him? What the heck kind of life is THAT? You are in a much better position than a lot of women because you make a good salary. Time to cut this tumor you call a husband OUT of your life and find someone who appreciate you. I hope by the time you read this that you've gone ahead and done it!


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## julialove

My husband asked me to get breast implants after we had children. At first i was hurt but then i realized he just wanted to see me as the princess he always had and my breast had gotten saggy and small and i was no longer comfortable in bed. We would never take off my bra during love making. If your husband is losing his desire for you then i would recommend that you get breast implants the surgery is very safe. I know 6 other women who have had them and no issues and they love them. 

I love my breast i feel younger and more confident. I wish i had done it sooner and my husband showers me with attention. Our love has grown stronger from the results.

He's not a dog cause he wants to be attracted to you.


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## alphapuppy

Ugh, he can't even express himself respectfully. I understand your hesitance, but this seems extremely disrespectful to your feelings. He seems like a bully to me.

I understand if he wants you to dress suggestively or show cleavage. I do NOT understand him humiliating you in front of your dinner guests (actually, humiliating himself) nor do I understand him pressuring you into elective surgery.

This seems like he just wants some kind of blow-up doll or someone to punch around like a sack of sand. Not a companion. Would you agree?

Would you say stuff like that to a child? Stuff criticizing their appearance and telling them that decisions you have made are their fault? No? Why not, cause it's emotional abuse? 

I don't think that it's any different between two adults, frankly. 

He's wrong to say those things.

Do YOU want implants? Do YOU like your body? Are YOU satisfied with your appearance? Do YOU feel foxy, with or without him? Those are the relevant questions here.


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## alphapuppy

GAsoccerman said:


> I say divorce him then get the implants LOL have his alimony pay for them and send him a thank you card with a nice pic of them in a bikini top....LOL


YES, with your new boyfriend!


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## that_girl

julialove said:


> My husband asked me to get breast implants after we had children. At first i was hurt but then i realized he just wanted to see me as the princess he always had and my breast had gotten saggy and small and i was no longer comfortable in bed. We would never take off my bra during love making. If your husband is losing his desire for you then i would recommend that you get breast implants the surgery is very safe. I know 6 other women who have had them and no issues and they love them.
> 
> I love my breast i feel younger and more confident. I wish i had done it sooner and my husband showers me with attention. Our love has grown stronger from the results.
> 
> He's not a dog cause he wants to be attracted to you.


Wow. He only started showering you with attention because you have breasts now that he likes?

I love my husband. He seems like a prince sometimes.


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## alphapuppy

Wow, I just realized this thread is ancient. Oops for bumping it! Maybe it will help someone else?


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## Noel1987

hahahaha yeah but still on


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