# It's a trap!



## trapped1 (Aug 19, 2012)

Hi,

This is my first post. I actually discovered this site about 9 months ago, when my wife moved out. I lurked here for a few days and learned a few things, but I never got to the point of sharing because there was so much to read and I couldn't keep up. My situation also seemed to be improving enough that I could manage it on my own. Lately, though, I've been getting increasingly overwhelmed and isolated, so I think I should try reaching out.

From what I've read, many here have gone / are going through worse situations than myself. Still, I feel terrible. I'm prone to depression, so that doesn't help, but things have been piling up and I'm hoping someone out there can look at my situation more objectively and share any insight.

I'm 41, married 8+ years, no children. Wife moved out 9 months ago and is renting an apt. We own a home, and I'm living in it. Although I'd love to post and discuss the full relationship history, I think it might run too long so I'll skip it for now.

In my state, divorce is granted after a year of separation, and this is looking like the most probable outcome. I just discovered that W is involved with someone else, and this has really sent me into a tailspin. However, by the rules we established, it isn't cheating (we had a discussion early on about seeing other people during separation and implied permission) but nevertheless, I really thought that after the first 3-4 terrible months without her, I was starting to heal and could handle something like this when it inevitably arose.

The most painful aspect is the recent discovery that she started dating so soon after leaving. As the one who was dumped, I expected to take longer to recover, but it still hurts me so much that she seems to be doing so well and thriving so soon, while I continue to suffer. She also had been hinting this whole time that we might get back together. I was giving her plenty of space, but clearly I've been misled and full of false hope.

Of course, I really wish we hadn't bought a house, as it's worth less than we owe on the mortgage. But here's the current arrangement:


 We have (and have always had) entirely separate bank accounts
 We are both on the mortgage, which she continues to split with me, as well as home/vehicle insurance
 When she first moved out, she asked me if I could cover half her rent. I agreed.
*I've been renting out a spare room to someone and this has blunted some of the additional costs of living, and I've been crediting her half the income from this.
*I'm on her health insurance (I'm not covered at my own work, and won't be if I get dropped) and pay my share

As divorce looms, I just want to see if you all think this looks reasonably fair. Or am I a sucker? We've been good so far at being civil and rational as possible about this. But it's still a power struggle. Especially now that I know she's with someone else, I'm greatly upset and it changes my outlook. I want this to go as smoothly as possible and not get ugly.

I haven't talked to her since my discovery but she's likely to catch on that I know, soon. In an ideal situation, this shoudn't affect our arrangement, but I'm afraid of emotions getting the better of me and allowing this to get nasty.

By the way, neither of us has been pressing for divorce, seeing the marriage only as a formality at this point. We originally agreed that if divorce was inevitable, we'd wait until we got rid of the house first, so as to avoid any additional complications / attorney fees, etc. Neither of us wants to live here anymore, but unfortunately we seem to be stuck with the house.

There are some federal programs for people with mortgage problems (separation being considered a hardship) and I've started talking to the bank and a housing counselor to see if the loan can be adjusted in any way, but it's not looking promising. Right now the plan is for me to either continue renting out a room, or else I move out and we rent out the whole house.

Of course I want nothing to do with this place anymore because it makes me unhappy (especially upsetting after all the work I put into it) and I'm tempted to just walk away from the mortgage, as some other people have been doing. This place could take many years to regain equity. W is completely against the latter tactic and won't consider it.

So, I very much feel trapped here, and at the losing end. I've been trying to focus on myself which has helped occasionally, but I'm becoming extremely upset and don't see things getting better. Any ideas?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stop paying her rent.
Stop giving her any money.
Cut her off financially and secure your assets.
Prepare for divorce

Stop giving a damn what she wants
She's yOur wife in name only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

trapped1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is my first post. I actually discovered this site about 9 months ago, when my wife moved out. I lurked here for a few days and learned a few things, but I never got to the point of sharing because there was so much to read and I couldn't keep up. My situation also seemed to be improving enough that I could manage it on my own. Lately, though, I've been getting increasingly overwhelmed and isolated, so I think I should try reaching out.
> 
> ...


Keep the house if at all possible. No need in nuking your credit for the next 7 years.


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## trapped1 (Aug 19, 2012)

Thanks, Tacoma.

Your points are taken, although I should probably clarify a little about the finances:

Due in part to our separate accounts, we've always just kept a spreadsheet with a running balance, instead (this was a great system when we were living together). I'd cover an expense here, she'd cover an expense there, and it would just be tallied. Whenever it got too far out of balance for one or the other, we might give the other a check.

So, while the whole mortgage payment is automatically deducted from my bank account, there's actually not any physical money changing hands between us at the moment. She's writing her own rent checks, and I'm pocketing the money from my roommate.

So it's closer to a wash than I may have implied. If I tell her she owes me, she'll probably take me at my word and give me some money.

Because I'm depending on her for health insurance, I want to play nice as long as possible. I don't know when the divorce will be initiated, or by whom, but I'm taking your advice and bracing for it.


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## trapped1 (Aug 19, 2012)

_Hate to break it to ya, but she was dating him before the separation!_

I think you're right insofar as she was probably looking, and if I was wiser I would have considered this.

For better or worse, unfortunately I opened Pandora's box a couple of days ago and snooped in her webmail (my curiosity got the better of my respect for privacy) and I traced this relationship back to March (dating site introductions and all!). 

Anyway, your point still stands, she most likely checked out long ago and is leaving me little breadcrumbs, right?


_And you care about what she is against because??????_

Only that she wouldn't negotiate on that point, and we'd be in it together (bad credit for both of us). It doesn't look like a winning strategy I agree that I shouldn't nuke my credit, as you put it.


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## trapped1 (Aug 19, 2012)

While it may have been arguably unethical for me to snoop, she should have changed all her passwords 

Although I have enough evidence that she didn't technically cheat with _this particular_ guy she's with now, I guess I should entertain your conclusion that she strayed _before_ she left. I have no evidence.

In any case, I can't hide my anger, so I guess it's time to reduce contact to near zero. I guess she doesn't need to know that I know, or how I know.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

She's your wife, nothing unethical about it.


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## trapped1 (Aug 19, 2012)

I also hate the fact that I'm probably going to need lots of therapy to get over this and really stand on my feet again, while it's her health insurance covering me. I don't think I can afford the treatment out of pocket. It's a disempowering situation.

Anyway, any good info on regaining confidence / dating again? I feel it's a chicken-or-egg situation: I can't really get out until I feel confident, but I can't feel confident until I get out more. I wish I didn't need love, but I do, and I have lots to give. I don't want to appear desperate, so I tend to isolate myself even further.

I've made a couple attempts at joining meetup groups to break the isolation, but my interests are pretty much gone now. I'm starting to exercise more and this does help slightly.

I hate the fact that we're in the same town and I might bump into her and the OM if I venture out. It makes me just want to hide in the house. Yuck.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

trapped1 said:


> I also hate the fact that I'm probably going to need lots of therapy to get over this and really stand on my feet again, while it's her health insurance covering me. I don't think I can afford the treatment out of pocket. It's a disempowering situation.
> 
> Anyway, any good info on regaining confidence / dating again? I feel it's a chicken-or-egg situation: I can't really get out until I feel confident, but I can't feel confident until I get out more. I wish I didn't need love, but I do, and I have lots to give. I don't want to appear desperate, so I tend to isolate myself even further.
> 
> ...


Hi, Trapped. Nice picture of you!

Sorry you are going through this.

As far as the house goes, it seems to make the most sense to rent it. But, will that give you enough to cover the mortgage and afford a place of your own?

Read up on the 180. You don't have to use them all, if you follow them, will help build up your confidence.

And lastly, get therapy while you are still covered. Any help you can get to help you through this, take it.


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