# Wife wants a divorce and hasn't filed



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

hello all, 

Im posting here because i am having issues posting anywhere else. here is my story:

My wife and i got married back in 2012 and have been together ever since. we have gone to different locations and have two kids now. last year around October i found out she was cheating on me. I was absolutely devastated and was thinking about what i could have done wrong. Long story short i don't think i was being a very good husband. Our communication wasn't very good and we got in really stupid fights. However we both started going to marriage counseling and i thought everything was improving. Prior to separation day she went out and bought me probably over 1k worth of items, probably within a month. however two weeks prior we had no sexual interaction what so ever. I even told her this and that i was worried about us. finally we got in another stupid argument and like marriage counseling taught us we would cool off come back and talk about it. however when we started talking it wasn't about the argument. it was about divorce. i told her my feelings on the divorce and how i felt. she didn't feel the same way and asked for a divorce. two days later we ended up separating due to law enforcement. I was charge with disorderly conduct essentially for getting in an argument with my wife... CT justice system is ****. but it has been a month of us not talking and she still hasn't filed for divorce. I have been expecting papers but haven't received any. I have no idea whats going on. the only thing i really know is that she wishes that she hadn't called the cops. im confused and scared and don't know what to do. this is the love of my life and im willing to do anything to try and make this work.

-Douglas


i apologize but this is not letting me reply for some reason even though i have already made an introductory post. I do believe she is talking to someone else. and one thing i haven't mentioned is that she is a very impulsive person. she does stuff without thinking of consequences. i do have an attorney and i am ready for the divorce. i am getting frustrated to the fact that she hasn't even filed yet.


----------



## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Simply put:
1) Your wife has a new guy - one she had before or someone else (does it matter?)
2) she will file restraining orders on you even if bs
3) needless to say she does not care a bit about you
4) get the best legal advice you can because you are basically f'd
Sorry Douglass protect yourself at this point. Do you have an attorney for the divorce and one for the potential charges against you?


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

I do believe she is talking to someone else. and one thing i haven't mentioned is that she is a very impulsive person. she does stuff without thinking of consequences. i do have an attorney and i am ready for the divorce. i am getting frustrated to the fact that she hasn't even filed yet.


----------



## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

You indicated in your intro edit update that your W was very impulsive. 
Impulsive people are always reactive.... they react really fast to something with extreme passion. 
Impulsive people come in a number of varieties. Some follow through on the impulse, incessantly. 
Others are just impulsive, you get the passion of the response but no follow through. 

You know what kind of "impulsive person" she is. We don't. 
It sounds to me like she just passionately reacts to things and doesn't follow through. She hasn't filed. My guess. 
You know her and I don't. 

You should try and contact her again, depending on where you want this to go. She's probably out there doing "something else".


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Contacting her with an RO against him may get him put in a jail cell.

You jumped into marriage councilling while she's having and affair. Worse you can do. You're also falling for the BS of you made her have an affair? Also BS. That was a decision she made.

She's still in the affair probably. 

There's nothing stopping you from filing is there?

Stop reacting and start acting.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

hey guys. thank you. i have been thinking alot this week about the type of limbo i have been dealing with. the fact that it has been a month and she hasn't filed. im sick of being dragged through the mud and im am going to file tomorrow. that will give me some answer. Either she is serious about this or not. and if she is willing to accept responsibility for her own actions and start being part of the marriage or not. I have been very frustrated over the past month. i think this will give me some more control on the situation due to the fact that i can't speak. it will make her react in terms of what to do. as far as impulsive she makes decisions without realizing the consequences of her actions. like i think i said she called the cops got me arrested. but is not apparently sorry for doing so. she doesn't think things all the way through and doesn't realize the severity of the entire situation. but like i said i am going to file tomorrow. Does anyone know how long it takes for them to be served?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your attorney will be able to answer your questions.

I would fight the RO you do not want that on your record.

Why in the hell would you want this type of woman in your life long term?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Why in the hell would you want this type of woman in your life long term?


I wonder the same thing. She's toxic. Your whole marriage sounds toxic.

So you're only going to file hoping to get a reaction out of her. 

Have you ever heard the expression, "he one who loves the *least* has the most power?" In your marriage, that's clearly your wife.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

My advice to you is quite simple and easily understood......RUN! You STBXW is one mean woman to have you arrested. This o e action says it all. Read up on the 180. Implement it. 

Let her go. Tell her you want nothing more than her happiness. Hold firm.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Confusedpanda Ask your lawyer if you can take action against your wife for filing a false report.

And if she wants a divorce, give her what she wants.

Only she might not really want a divorce, after all. 

However, report her to the police for adultery. Apparently it might still be a crime in your state? But this link is a little ancient, now. Your lawyer can advise you.

https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1990-08-31-mn-394-story.html


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Confusedpanda said:


> I do believe she is talking to someone else. and one thing i haven't mentioned is that she is a very impulsive person. she does stuff without thinking of consequences. i do have an attorney and i am ready for the divorce. i am getting frustrated to the fact that she hasn't even filed yet.


You shouldn't let her control the scenario and wait and be her puppet. Take decisive action, take control back and file the papers yourself, that should wake her up from her reverie. 
She is in an affair and is test driving the other guy and keeping you on the back burner, till she sees which option is better. Remove yourself as an option. You may still love her etc but you can do much better. Get counselling and move on with your life, she is not worthy of you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop waiting around for her to file. That gives her control of your life. Take back control and keep it. File for divorce. If she changes her mind down the road and wants to reconcile, you can have the court dismiss the petition. 

But from what you have posted, she's done with you. Once a woman loses love and respect for a man, it is near impossible for her to rekindle those feelings, no matter how much she may want to. That's a cold hard fact of life you need to absorb. Women don't carry torches the way men do. They process the loss and they move on.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I wonder the same thing. She's toxic. Your whole marriage sounds toxic.
> 
> So you're only going to file hoping to get a reaction out of her.
> 
> *Have you ever heard the expression, "he one who loves the least has the most power?"* In your marriage, that's clearly your wife.


This is gospel!
It took 3 days for papers to reach my wife.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Find the man in you that you lost before you married her.
File today.
Cowboy up brother.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The one who files is the one who controls the divorce process.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am sorry you are going through this. I would recommend that you file for Divorce ASAP do a 180 on her and change your whole general persona when dealing with her.

Unfortunately it sounds like she is still with someone and you have been played for a doormat. Only a dose of reality might bring her to her senses and re establish your self worth.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

well all. i have filed for divorce. it had to have been one of the most painful things i have ever done. That woman was my world and i made sacrifices in my career for our family. so today i am having a really hard day.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Do you know she was talking to someone else? I never saw where that was confirmed or what the deal was with it.

Good for you for filing, don't sit around waiting for her to let you crawl back.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Has WW been served yet.
Being served has snap some WW back into reality. They thinking that VJ is golden
and their BH will not leave them. 

Once served what can happen?

Realize BH will not be a door mat so they drop the OM because they rather stay married
than be a cake eater.

Or they run to the OM with the good news that WW will now be free to marry the OM.
This is where most OM run for the hills because they only wanted some side piece action.
Leaving the WW high and dry.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

I have good suspicion that she is talking to other guys.. and she was served probably 3 hours after i filed the paperwork. no reaction out of her. however i may not hear anything until the court date.. but i am hurting so bad because she was the love of my life.. i'd ****ing do anything for that woman... i can't tell you how many times she has hit me and abused me and i never once called the cops on her. i know it sounds terrible.. but love makes you do crazy things.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The world isn't going to end. She's not the one and only soulmate you thought she was.

Wake up already


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

That's not love panda, that's codependency.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I know it hurts, but you know you did the right thing. It is way overdue to remove this cancer from your life.

Reach out to friends and family members and lean on them during this horrible, horrible time. They WANT to help you.

Good luck and stay strong.

And stay away from alcohol


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

i understand what yall are saying. but her and i have been through hell and back fighting to be with each other. the relationship wasn't the best.. but marriage doesn't come with manuals.. and i know if we worked on it we could make this marriage amazing. but i have come to realize that it takes two to make a marriage successful.. one person can't do everything by themselves. the fact that i generate the most income as well as pay for all the bills. i don't see how she can live where we are at with the way the economy is. That's what hurts the most is i know she isn't going to have the best life if we divorce. myself? ill be fine. but like i said love makes you do crazy things and makes you care more about your significant other than you do yourself.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Again, stop calling your codependency love. They are not the same thing.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Confusedpanda said:


> ...the fact that i generate the most income as well as pay for all the bills. i don't see how she can live where we are at with the way the economy is.


Now you have your answer as to why she didn't file.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

yeah. i guess.. but how with me filing.. how is she going to react? because either way now its going to happen regardless whether she wants to just try and live off me or not. our est. date is early Jan. thats 3 months for her to figure her **** out. As for the other guy with this codependency. i can kinda get what your saying.. but what i don't really get is when a woman sits there and tells you that she loves you and that she will always love you. but want a divorce.. on top of that she still buys you **** because she is "thinking of you" but are you saying i am codependent on her? because i will say i am 100% capable of being dependent on my own. I don't need her to live life. but when i married her. to me that's a life commitment no matter what. Obviously their are circumstances such as this one where i will not put up with. but just because im sad for losing her doesn't make me codependent on her. I will not stop this divorce unless there are huge changes within our relationship.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Confusedpanda said:


> yeah. i guess.. but how with me filing.. how is she going to react? because either way now its going to happen regardless whether she wants to just try and live off me or not. our est. date is early Jan. thats 3 months for her to figure her **** out. As for the other guy with this codependency. i can kinda get what your saying.. but what i don't really get is when a woman sits there and tells you that she loves you and that she will always love you. but want a divorce.. on top of that she still buys you **** because she is "thinking of you" but are you saying i am codependent on her? because i will say i am 100% capable of being dependent on my own. I don't need her to live life. but when i married her. to me that's a life commitment no matter what. Obviously their are circumstances such as this one where i will not put up with. but just because im sad for losing her doesn't make me codependent on her. I will not stop this divorce unless there are huge changes within our relationship.


If you make all the money, who bought you stuff?

People who are capable of being on their own don't accept abuse from someone they are with.

Your sadness doesn't make you codependent, your statement of letting her hit you, abuse you, mistreat you, talk to other guys, and yet you still pine for her, does.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

well like i said.. i filed for divorce.. and im not going to take her shenanigans anymore. She has a part time job and was able to buy things.. however she doesn't make much to support her self even with a paid off car. that and she applied for her own credit card.


----------



## Confusedpanda (Sep 5, 2019)

update!

She was served with papers and she ended up freaking out in terms of upset and didn't know why this was happening. she was watching my calendar and to mess with her i put a date in there at a place nearby where the burgers were suppose to be really good. buzzkill the burger wasn't that good. however apparently she ended up driving by and saw my truck in the parking lot and started crying. She is now thinking about what she wants to do vs. straight divorce. im hoping this is a turn in the right direction for us to get our marriage back on track. I know things have been done in the past. but i know if we both come together with a plan to fix our marriage it can be done.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

What has she done to show you she loves you?

Her being afraid of losing you, doesn't mean she loves you. I strongly recommend you proceed with the divorce at this point. She has already cheated on you, she has already abused you. What does she have to do to prove she does not love you? She loves herself and the things you provide her. She would gladly keep on using those things and 'talk' to other guys.

It is not your problem that she doesn't make much money, it is not your problem if she cries at the thought of losing you. Those are her problems, and those are the rewards for the way she has treated you.

When people show you who they are, believe them.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She initially bought you a thousand dollars worth of stuff because you complained about the lack of sex and intimacy.

This was done to appease you and to appease her own guilt. And to throw you off track.

She does love you, and she does love that new independence that she has found. The devil has her by her sensitive short hairs. 

She likes the new thrills, fears where they will lead to.

She is very conflicted and is not marriage worthy. I suspect some sort of mental issue is at play here. Depression, BPD, dunno.

Let her go, divorce her, maybe pick her up off of the ground some distance later.

Maybe not.

You can do better.

She had better, and threw it away for some fling, yes, many more flings yet to come.

When someone is drowning, do not let them also drown you.



Lilith McGarvey-


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Confusedpanda said:


> update!
> 
> She was served with papers and she ended up freaking out in terms of upset and didn't know why this was happening. she was watching my calendar and to mess with her i put a date in there at a place nearby where the burgers were suppose to be really good. buzzkill the burger wasn't that good. however apparently she ended up driving by and saw my truck in the parking lot and started crying. She is now thinking about what she wants to do vs. straight divorce. im hoping this is a turn in the right direction for us to get our marriage back on track. I know things have been done in the past. but i know if we both come together with a plan to fix our marriage it can be done.


So you are basically emotionally blackmailing her to stay married to you... 

Why do you devalue yourself so much? She has devalued you to a huge degree, but you have done far worse to yourself.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait wait.....right now you are driving this.....do not let her off the hook sh. Cheated and you need to get to the bottom of that to your satisfaction and you need to in still rules for rebuilding trust


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She bought you 1k of stuff (probably with YOUR money) -- wonder if she snuck in a few items for her POSOM.
Also, when she cheated, did she do ANY of the recommended steps to try to reconcile/show she was remorseful? Sounds like the affair was rug-swept with no consequences for her, so either it is continuing, OR she has found someone else.

Keep the D going (you can always stop at some point in the future) --- DON'T stop it just because she says she misses you, wants you back, tries to **** you into a *****-coma, etc.. IF she wants to work at it, tell her the D stays going forward until you see REAL lasting changes (but you probably will NOT see that, sorry to say).


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Just because she doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean she's going to become the wife you want.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If you stay with her becaused she panicked your relationship will die anyway, and she will just leave you on her timetable.

Don't be fooled.

Women tend to build a nest. She is building one somewhere else, it is just not ready yet.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Confusedpanda said:


> i can't tell you how many times she has hit me and abused me and i never once called the cops on her. i know it sounds terrible.. but love makes you do crazy things.


So does codependence.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

What kind of cheating was was she into when you caught her?
Sex with another guy? Talking or texting other guys?

If she asked for a divorce, she is getting what she wanted. She may have not realized what kind of financial situation that would put her in, but that is her problem - not yours. Don't go into a false R because she suddenly realizes she is losing her gravy train. You've got some time. Watch her closely. But don't stop the divorce.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Confused, how are you dealing with the mind movies, knowing that your wife did certain things with her lover and not with you. You can live with that? Are you willing to be 2nd in line for the tricks she will give you? What a waste of a life, it will be as others have said " it's only a matter of time before you get replaced" Understand this!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Confusedpanda said:


> yeah. i guess.. but how with me filing.. how is she going to react? because either way now its going to happen regardless whether she wants to just try and live off me or not. our est. date is early Jan. thats 3 months for her to figure her **** out. As for the other guy with this codependency. i can kinda get what your saying.. but what i don't really get is when a woman sits there and tells you that she loves you and that she will always love you. but want a divorce.. on top of that *she still buys you **** because she is "thinking of you"* but are you saying i am codependent on her? because i will say i am 100% capable of being dependent on my own. I don't need her to live life. but when i married her. to me that's a life commitment no matter what. Obviously their are circumstances such as this one where i will not put up with. but just because im sad for losing her doesn't make me codependent on her. I will not stop this divorce unless there are huge changes within our relationship.


Sounds like guilt - or bribery.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Whatever you do, do not call off the divorce. Based on earlier comments, your wife physically abuses you. I would bet money that you suffer from battered spouse syndrome. Your relationship sounds dysfunctional, and IMHO you need a reset. Maybe you can work it out with her, but you can still divorce now and if she's serious about changing for the better - and you changing for the better too - then you two can date each other again and see if the 2 of you would marry each other again. JMHO.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Confusedpanda said:


> update!
> 
> She was served with papers and she ended up freaking out in terms of upset and didn't know why this was happening. she was watching my calendar and to mess with her i put a date in there at a place nearby where the burgers were suppose to be really good. buzzkill the burger wasn't that good. however apparently she ended up driving by and saw my truck in the parking lot and started crying. She is now thinking about what she wants to do vs. straight divorce. im hoping this is a turn in the right direction for us to get our marriage back on track. I know things have been done in the past. but i know if we both come together with a plan to fix our marriage it can be done.


I would not be so quick to welcome her back with open arms. Right now she has been given a reality check. That's all. If you appear to be too eager to take her back the tide will shift again and she will start to think she has the upper hand.

If you truly want her back and your marriage to work this has to be done properly. In that i mean your wife has to experience true consequences for her actions, a list of non negotiable actions she has to undertake, like cutting off all contact with other man, moving workplaces, and handing up all passwords to phones, emails, facebook, etc.

Only when consequences are handed out and they are truly worked on might you have some hope of saving this marriage. If you too easily take her back now this will happen again as she will not respect you. Do this properly.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Tilted 1 said:


> Confused, how are you dealing with the mind movies, knowing that your wife did certain things with her lover and not with you. You can live with that? Are you willing to be 2nd in line for the tricks she will give you? What a waste of a life, it will be as others have said " it's only a matter of time before you get replaced" Understand this!


OP still has not specified what type of cheating she was caught at.

Sex?
Sexting?
EA?
PA?

We don't know. Normally the first thing you think of is a physical affair. But he just said he caught her cheating in October. Nothing else about her affair. 

Is it still going on? A ONS or ongoing PA? If PA, does he know who with or anything about her affair partner?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If they cheat there is a higher probability it'll happen again. Because the capability is there.

Wake up fully to where you're at.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I agree with all of those who've told you not to call off the divorce. She needs to prove that she is worthy of a second chance. This will take time. 

And honestly, what will be the harm if you divorce? You can split all the assets and earnings, never to be shared again. If dating her goes well, you can always remarry with an ironclad prenup.

Edited to add: her first show of goodwill is to go to the police station, apologize for filing a false report, and ask how the charge can be removed from your record.


----------



## RenitMasi (Oct 31, 2019)

Don't just blame yourself. It's not just you, it's her. Both persons are guilty of cheated. It is clear that the one who cheated is more to blame. At the very least, if she respected you, she should have discussed it with you. Your wife should have said that her feelings were gone.


----------

