# If you don't know..how can you prevent it again?



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

If a man leaves you out of no where, no warning signs whatsoever,10 days before your wedding....and within 3-4 weeks is exclusively dating another woman...but says/swears/promises that he never cheated, how can you believe him considering he moved on so quickly to another woman....whom he worked with for years.

And if he had supposedly no reason as to why he left except for maybe cold feet (which I can sorta understand)...then how do you know if and what you did wrong? And how can you prevent it from happening again?

He left me 10 days before our wedding. He starts dating another woman, and eventually I start dating again. 

A year later he comes crawling back.

I accept him back and I accept what he did. We date for another year and he proposes..again (this was so unexpected). We are 8 months married as of now. BUT, how do I believe that he is here to stay. He left so unexpectedly last time...and if I didn't cause it before, how can I prevent him from unexpectedly leaving again. And I'll never really know if this other woman was his reason for leaving or if he really did get cold feet.

He was never the cheating type. But he cheated on this woman that he started dating. The only reason she found about it was because he got exposed. Otherwise he would of brought it to his grave. I've learned that he can live with something like that on his chest...where as if I cheated, id crumble and expose myself. 

I love him. I married him. I figured him wanting to take that step into marriage would make me secure enough to know that he isn't going anywhere. 

Well here I am today still doubting that he loves me. Still doubting that he is not going to come home from work and tell me its over out of no where.

I've built up such a wall to protect myself from him. I don't know how to let him in to where he used to be. 
We bought a new car together and in my mind I was thinking how is this gonna work if we split up again. I've pretty much convinced myself that this won't last forever. Even something as stupid as him falling asleep not cuddling with me gives me that "he doesn't love me" feeling. 

We've been together a total of 5 years now. I know who he was. I know who he is. But that person he became when he left is so hard for me to understand. Its such a fear that he will go back to that person. Even though all signs show that he wont....but then again he had no signs before when he became that heartless person.

I'm lacking security in this marriage big time. I want to believe that he is here to stay, but I was always told "if you don't expect anything, you can't ever be disappointed".

I have pushed him to the edge with my roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm crazy about him and the next I get cautious and pull my emotions away. And he is still here! Why? I don't know. That right there should tell me that he is really here to stay, but it doesnt.

If I expect him to stay...and he leaves, that's gonna kill me again.

But where I stand now with this wall up, if he leaves, it won't hurt as bad.

How can I make myself secure in this? How can I know he is here to stay? How can I believe him when he says he's not going anywhere? 

And for cheating... I will never know if he really did cheat on me and this woman was the cause of him leaving. That's irrelevant at this point. But now that I have proof that he is capable of cheating, that's just another bad thought in my head.

I want this. I want this to work. But I cannot go through this whole thing with my hazard lights on all the time. 

I have gotten better since the beginning of us getting back together. So that gives me hope. But I just want to be able to trust him and trust that his intentions are real.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I guess the best way to look at it is like this: he shopped around and came back to the best he's had. 

I can completely relate to your insecurity, though. I know I would feel the same if I were in your shoes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks Yin!

The fact that he tried other things and still came back to me is comforting. I never looked at it that way.

But it still doesn't make me secure. :banghead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ano said:


> I figured him wanting to take that step into marriage would make me secure enough to know that he isn't going anywhere.


Security comes from a person's action not from a piece of paper or a gold band.

And I'm wondering what you have done to heal from the trauma he inflicted on you? Did he do all the things WS are supposed to do?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Security comes from a person's action not from a piece of paper or a gold band.
> 
> And I'm wondering what you have done to heal from the trauma he inflicted on you? Did he do all the things WS are supposed to do?


Its true. Security doesn't come from a ring or piece of paper. But his action to show the ultimate level of commitment to me between 2 people seems like he really does want to be here, but still doesn't give me security.

As far as what I've done to heal? ... well nothing. Time has eased the pain, but I havent done anything specific to try and get over the trauma. I have his passwords and I can check his phone or email whenever I want, but even doing that...he's smart and if he was doing something wrong he would just delete it. I'm not worried that he's cheating anyway or that he's doing something wrong. I truly believe that he is being 100% faithful. I'm just worried that he will walk away again.


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## WakeUpWS (Jan 7, 2012)

Ano - I was a WS. I blindsided my wife and left her for a short period of time last year. Her question of me too is, how do I know you won't do this again? She mentions warning signs - there were none that she saw. I'm sure you feel a lot like she does.

I can't speak for your husband, so I'll answer my wife's question for you.

How do you know? Because I will never do such a dishonorable and dishonest thing like that to her or myself again.

I hurt myself just as bad as I hurt her. I get to see the consequence of my destructive behavior not just on her, but on me! I know the dent on my soul this has been. I do not want to be that person again.

If there's a problem I have with her or us, I will talk about it. I will consider that perhaps it's my problem, or I am the problem before lashing out with such resentment and anger again.

I know how and why I did what I did. I am working on my issues...but now they are in the light where I can see them.

I do not deserve to treat myself so poorly any longer. With this, I can guarantee I will never blindside her again.

There may be problems in the future, and I'm sure there are rocky times ahead (the whole 15 months since D-day has been rocky and we're still together), so I think if we weather this, we can weather anything.

But, silence is no longer an option for me. Why it happened, how it happened are all known by me, and she knows as well. Accepting it? Well, that's still being dealt with.

I don't know if that helps. This is just me answering your similar question.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ano, the best answer I can give you is something you're already doing - consider how his behavior is around others. You've identified that his has been to cheat sometimes, and you feel insecure because of it. I am curious what made you say he "wasn't the cheating type" when in fact, he was. 

If you can identify what prompted him to cheat, you can let yourself relax when those triggers aren't present in his life. If he cheated because he felt overwhelmed and sought a release, then you'll want to be on guard when he may have reason to feel overwhelmed. 

At the same time, if you see that he has made changes - maybe he has developed a new way of responding to feeling overwhelmed - then after you've seen that the change is permanent and lasting, your fears will fade away, too. 

But until you feel safe, that cannot happen.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Ano said:


> He was never the cheating type.


Everyone is the cheating type. Man or woman, gay or straight, black or white, legs or no legs. 



> But he cheated on this woman that he started dating. The only reason she found about it was because he got exposed. Otherwise he would of brought it to his grave. I've learned that he can live with something like that on his chest...where as if I cheated, id crumble and expose myself.


It's easy to keep a secret when you genuinely don't think you did anything wrong. You're assuming that he would feel guilty because liking one person is some kind of attack against another person, but that isn't necessarily true. Maybe he was serious about both relationships. 
The men most likely to cheat are either *********s or very nice. The DB ones border on psychopathy; they see women are named objects and the ultimate goal is sex. This is probably what you are thinking of when you think "the cheating type," and it's great to hear your man isn't one of them. The nice guys have a much healthier view of sex and see it as a way to build and strengthen relationships. Nice guys cheat because they actually care about the other person. Many of the other great apes show this type of open relationship behavior; I think it was bonobos that do this. 



> I've built up such a wall to protect myself from him.


I know that feeling. Bracing for disaster is why everything I do is under the assumption that it's just me doing it. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. The calculations I did before buying a condo assume that I'm the only person living there; breaking up would be as simple as one person moving out without needing to sell it.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Everyone is the cheating type. Man or woman, gay or straight, black or white, legs or no legs.


I respectfully disagree.

That's like saying anyone has the potential to be an alcholic, or a drug addict, or a criminal. Sure the possibility is there but there are those that do, and those that choose not to.

I'd go so far as to say there are those that have cheated and those who have not yet cheated, and of those who have not yet cheated, some probably will, others NEVER will. 

Those who have the history of cheating have already proven their ability to be dishonest, deceitful, and are much more likely to repeat.

Given the history I understand the Ops plight completely and unfortunately there are NO easy answers here other than to hope that over time, in the absence of any mitigating factors or events, some semblence of security will return to the relationship.

I do wonder why she started this thread now. Is there something happening, possibly things that she isn't even consciously acknowledging that has driven her to ask these difficult questions?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

kindi said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> That's like saying anyone has the potential to be an alcholic, or a drug addict, or a criminal. Sure the possibility is there but there are those that do, and those that choose not to.


As you noted, I do believe that everybody has the potential to become addicted to alcohol and drugs as well as commit crimes. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks this:
Trading Places (1983) - IMDb
(great movie)




> Those who have the history of cheating have already proven their ability to be dishonest, deceitful, and are much more likely to repeat.


The main thing to learn from this is that he can or will cheat even when everything is going well. That makes this situation much harder to control. It's not like the cheating was a result of fighting or being separated for a long time. 

I don't know what the next step is. You can either invade his privacy and make him passionately hate you, or you can sit back and hope for the best.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> I do wonder why she started this thread now. Is there something happening, possibly things that she isn't even consciously acknowledging that has driven her to ask these difficult questions?


I'm just having one of those days. Things get easier and then they seem to get difficult again for no reason. 

One day I'm fine...and others I'm all over the place.

I'm wondering if it will ever just go away. Will I ever get peace of mind and security back in this?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> Maybe he was serious about both relationships. <br />
> The men most likely to cheat are either *********s or very nice. The DB ones border on psychopathy; they see women are named objects and the ultimate goal is sex. This is probably what you are thinking of when you think "the cheating type," and it's great to hear your man isn't one of them. The nice guys have a much healthier view of sex and see it as a way to build and strengthen relationships. Nice guys cheat because they actually care about the other person. Many of the other great apes show this type of open relationship behavior


Maybe I should add that he also briefly dated and messed around with 2 other women (that I am aware of, could be more).... plus the one he worked with.

The one he worked with has more significance because of the fact that I never liked her. From day 1 of meeting her.

But this isnt about cheating so much anymore...its more about getting my trust and sense of security back.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Ano said:


> Will I ever get peace of mind and security back in this?


There's never 100% certainty even in a long term committed relationship where there is no cheating, no lying, no taking off a week before the marriage, that sort of thing. You never, ever know what another person is capable of, you sometimes even surprise yourself and do things you'd never think you'd have done. 

Unfortunately you have good reasons for concern, and even worse, there's probably not a thing you can do to change the outcome. I don't believe in "fate" as in some sort of higher guiding force determining the outcome, however, your marriage will ultimately succeed or fail, that history is already written even if it's not yet "in the books" and there's little to nothing you can do to affect it one way or the other except do the best you can with the situation as it currently stands.

I'm probably not saying anything you don't already know: Your constant worrying and lack of trust can certainly skew things in a negative direction, not that I blame you one bit although I can't help but wonder what the heck were you thinking when you married this guy, did it occur to you at the time that you were taking a rather high risk.. did you just sort of shelve any doubts or were things so good at the time that the possibility of round 2 never crossed your mind?

Do things seem to be getting better, staying the same, or getting worse? Are there any signs at all that things might not be so great? 

That might give you an idea of where you're headed, although as they say with investing, "past performance is no indicator of future returns". That might be a good thing in this case.

Edited to add: I went back and reread your first post on this thread.

It's somewhat troubling to hear you speak of him as "not being that sort of type" and "you know who he was" and "who he is" but he "became that person".

Honey, he was ALWAYS that sort of person. He still is. The question is whether or not his love for you (and his fear of the consequences) is strong enough that he doesn't fall back into those old patterns.

You may just have to learn to live with always sleeping with one eye open. There are worse problems.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

WakeUpWS said:


> Ano - I was a WS. I blindsided my wife and left her for a short period of time last year. Her question of me too is, how do I know you won't do this again? She mentions warning signs - there were none that she saw. I'm sure you feel a lot like she does.
> 
> I can't speak for your husband, so I'll answer my wife's question for you.
> 
> ...


You're story is very comforting. 

Id imagine that your wife has good days and bad days. On her bad days, how does she act towards you? And how do you react to her.mood?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm sorry for the doubt that you have, Ano. However, I wish you had asked this questions of yourself BEFORE you chose to get married. The barriers to intimacy you are putting up may be a kind of a self fulfilling prophecy, driving your husband away. 

I think you and your husband may benefit from MCing. Worrying about how you will separate assets as a newly wed is very troubling.


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## WakeUpWS (Jan 7, 2012)

Ano said:


> You're story is very comforting.
> 
> Id imagine that your wife has good days and bad days. On her bad days, how does she act towards you? And how do you react to her.mood?


On her good days, it's nice - we talk, we spend time together...it's pretty much like days in the past.

But, I wouldn't say she has bad days. There are triggers - my actions, my lack of action, certain milestones (dates), seeing the OW....triggers.

I think she's most concerned about me becoming complacent - falling back into old habits and behaviors.

When she feels this is happening she can almost call the whole thing off. She may move to another room to sleep, she may ask me to leave, ask me to let her go, say harsh words, belittle me...all understandable reactions.

It's not punishment, it's venting. My aim is to stay calm in these moments, stay open and present, not become defensive, and really try to hear the pain through the anger. No excuses...no blameshifting...just be open and honest.

Fifteen months since D-day, the good days outnumber the bad.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I realize my situation is my own and nobody else's. I am not your husband and my view on my situation will be different than anyone else's.

I'm glad your comforted but for your sake, listen to what others recommend. I believe "heavy lifting" is what you need to see from your husband to at least have a chance of trusting again.

How can you trust again? I'm not sure. I'm not in your position. I would want to know why it happened, what in your husband's background lead him to believe this was in any way acceptable, and what measure is he making to never let himself be vulnerable again. And probably a whole bunch of other things I couldn't even ponder unless I was in that position.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

The main source of the anxiety and emotional ups and downs you feel is likely the fact that your rational mind knows a scenario is possible and your emotional mind does not accept it. 

In simpler words the possibility of him leaving is an emotional black whole for you. Now the desire for security inside a relationship is essential for you so it is entirely understandable how the black whole formed. 

However it is also affecting your relationship and ironically making the unfathomable scenario more likely. 

I suggest to you the following mental exercise in steps. Please focus on each step and use your imagination to build as detailed and realistic scenario as you can. Here are the steps: 

1. Imagine a realistic worse case scenario. He leaves with no warning.

2. Imagine again realistically what will you do in that scenario. Realize that your life won't stop and that you will be OK. 

3. Accept the worse case scenario and the contingency as a possibility.

These steps are specifically designed to releave anxiety in situations such as yours when a possible scenario is not accepted emotionally. If done correctly it's results should be immediate. It does however need to be repeated regularly.

With the anxiety out of the way you will be much more able to enjoy the love he does give you and reciprocate thereby actually giving you the best chances for your relationship to flourish.

For a detailed explanation on the exercise above please look at the book: Dale Carnegie - How to stop worrying and start living.


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