# Newlyweds...cheating husband



## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I'm a new member here and looking for someone to speak to and advice. Some background, met my husband S in 2010. Dated for a few years and we got legally married in 2015. Recently we had our actual wedding ceremony and reception. 

This is the first time as husband and wife I've caught him cheating (text messaging), or what I believe is deception. However I've caught him 2 times sexting and know of 1 actual physical relationship with another female. The sexting I handled and got over because I didn't see it as a big deal to break up during our dating years. 

In 2014 S proposed and approx 4 months later I caught him cheating physically. I was so upset I broke a few things. I told my parents and his. Kicked him out and his dad begged me over and over to take him back. Claiming he won't do it again and he's a good fella. After several weeks I took him back. 

Back to this time frame. It's now July, I caught him not sexting but telling another female on a fake phone number app that "I'll have to find another excuses to see you again." It was nothing before or after that 1 message that was alarming. Now, our wedding is in August and I fought back my emotions to get through the wedding ceremony/reception and pretended like nothing happened. I did tell my mom and she asked me NOT to cancel the wedding because of the money we all put towards it and it didn't make a difference because legally married anyways. 

I'm a tough cookie so I can take pain and I understand all sides of a story even though it may not be in my favor.

Right now we're not really talking. Oh, I forgot to mention that we recently bought a house together. We both put alottttttt of cash into buying a home. This was all before I knew he was talking to random strangers. 

Now I don't know if he's physically cheating nor sexting but I just don't trust him. I want to take counseling but I know he'll refuse because he doesn't think outsiders can help. Any advise? We don't have any kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused. You day that you got married in 2015. But had a wedding in August? What month in 2015 did you get married? What month/year was your wedding?

He's wrong that outsiders cannot help. If he wanted them to help, they could. apparently he does not want help.

What has he done prove to you that he has stopped cheating?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> File for divorce ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed, file for D immediately.

Why on earth ANY mother would push their daughter to marry a cheater is beyond me. She has a lot to answer for, as do you for agreeing to marry such slime.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When you confronted him about the message in July, what was his explanation?

It's sounding like he is a serial cheater....


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Spicy said:


> When you confronted him about the message in July, what was his explanation?
> 
> 
> 
> It's sounding like he is a serial cheater....




Most definitely sounds like he is a serial cheater. It's too bad that you put a ton of money into a ceremony. You might have been able to save some of that money if you had cancelled it.
On his side he thinks everything is great. You found out about this and then went through this whole ceremony with him. He isn't being held accountable at all. 

You need to get some solid evidence and then confront him. Tell him how you want the marriage to be or else you are gone for good. You have to be prepared to follow through if he isn't remorseful.

Going back to the first time he cheated...sounds like you only took him back for his dad...problem. You only went through the ceremony for your mom. Problem. You need to also figure out why you are willing to be a doormat and are putting yourself last.

A major philosophy in TAM is that the only thing you can change is you. Work on yourself. 

At the very least you guys need MC...good luck. 



Sent from my iPhone


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would divorce and get tested for STD's

Your husband will never change, you need to stop rug sweeping his infidelities.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> Now I don't know if he's physically cheating nor sexting but I just don't trust him. I want to take counseling but I know he'll refuse because he doesn't think outsiders can help. Any advise? We don't have any kids.


Dr. Laura would say, "You married the wrong guy."


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

honesty61 said:


> I'm a new member here and looking for someone to speak to and advice. Some background, met my husband S in 2010. Dated for a few years and we got legally married in 2015. Recently we had our actual wedding ceremony and reception.
> 
> This is the first time as husband and wife I've caught him cheating (text messaging), or what I believe is deception. However I've caught him 2 times sexting and know of 1 actual physical relationship with another female. The sexting I handled and got over because I didn't see it as a big deal to break up during our dating years.
> 
> ...


Picture a life with a bozo you can never trust. Cut your losses ASAP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused. You day that you got married in 2015. But had a wedding in August? What month in 2015 did you get married? What month/year was your wedding?
> 
> He's wrong that outsiders cannot help. If he wanted them to help, they could. apparently he does not want help.
> 
> What has he done prove to you that he has stopped cheating?


I would guess they had a registry office/courthouse wedding then later had a church wedding followed by a reception. Is that right, @honesty61?

So, he had to forget about two wedding ceremonies for him to cheat on you?

His father was wrong. He's not a good fella.

What would I suggest?

Normally I suggest counselling and working stuff out. But you know something? In your case I suggest this option for you:-


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What kind of screwed up mom tells you NOT to cancel a wedding with a guy who cheats on you because she already spent some money?

Go to counseling...you have some stuff to work through.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

poida said:


> Agreed, file for D immediately.
> 
> Why on earth ANY mother would push their daughter to marry a cheater is beyond me. She has a lot to answer for, as do you for agreeing to marry such slime.


*So it is her fault for marring him? * Yeah, fer sure...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The honeymoon is over dump him, please don't start the rest of your life and have children with someone like this. he is not husband or potential material, he's a loser.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *So it is her fault for marring him? * Yeah, fer sure...


Well... I mean, I never have cared much for "fault" discussions. But the OP would be wise to address why she was willing to take him back because his DAD asked her to. And why she was willing to go through a ceremony because her MOM told her to so that she does not repeat these kinds of mistakes in the future.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is almost certain to keep cheating. It is up to the OP whether of not she wants to live in a marriage like that. Most people would not, but it is her choice.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

You are worth so much more than this behavior of his. It is easier in the moment to put it aside and if close family members are pushing you to go ahead and not "make waves" or whatever; I get it. This is your life and these are your own decisions because no one has to live with them but you. You are the ONLY one who is going to suffer for this either now or down the road. He just isn't worth the heartache he has already put you through and most certainly will keep causing.

Seeing a counselor would help you right now as their job is to guide you with whatever is best for YOU and not him or family members or whomever. Take care of yourself and realize you are worth a loving respectful relationship without any other people in it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Well... I mean, I never have cared much for "fault" discussions. But the OP would be wise to address why she was willing to take him back because his DAD asked her to. And why she was willing to go through a ceremony because her MOM told her to so that she does not repeat these kinds of mistakes in the future.


Whilst that's true, he didn't have to cheat on her, now did he?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Whilst that's true, he didn't have to cheat on her, now did he?


So what? What does that have to do with advising the OP?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> So what? What does that have to do with advising the OP?


The implication of some of the "Advise" is that it is the fault of the BS if they could or should have know that the WS might cheat on them.

That's what.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Dr. Laura would say, "You married the wrong guy."


Dr. Laura - the FAKE doctor who cheated on her husband while getting her foot in the radio biz? And the Radio personality she had sex with (while she was married to another guy) was kind enough to make those photos public.

Easy enough to google.

Man, she had a furry bikini...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@honesty61, 

So just to be sure I understand, you two met in 2010 and somewhere between 2010 and 2014 you caught him sexting twice. He proposed in 2014 and a few months later you caught him physically cheating and threw him out. Eventually you took him back and the two of you got married by a judge in 2015. Then in July this year you caught him sexting again, and in August (this month!) you had a wedding ceremony and reception (so you were legally married but had a party, essentially, this year). 

If it were me, I would kick him out as in "packing his things into luggage and boxes, buying a storage unit, moving him out, and changing the locks on the new house" kicking him out. You stay in the marital house that you just spent tons of money on! Then even if you miss him, and even if he begs, his parents beg, and your parents beg, do not take him back UNLESS and UNTIL you can confirm that he as gone TWO FULL YEARS without any infidelity of any kind. 

While he is out of the house, HE needs to go to individual counseling on his own to address his sexual addiction. If he does not make the appointments on his own, and does not go on his own, and does not do the work on his own--then without that sort of deep-down DESIRE on his part to change...he will stay the same. That means he will continue to cheat as long as he is alive. 

So it's easy--he's out. Period. You give him two years to show you he recognizes the problem is HIS and that he will address it. If at any time during that two year period he slips, sexts or cheat--divorce. The end. If, on the other hand, he is serious, gets himself to counseling, works on his sexual issues, and is diligent for two years, then he means it and might be worth reconsidering. Make him SHOW YOU with his actions! Words are worthless right now.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

File for the D. Money cannot replace happiness. You can always rebuild finacial security and get back into your life. The heartache and pain of actually getting cheated on will be much more devastating than finacial burdens or investments. You have no kids so that's a good thing. Trust me the more involved the more hurt. And I mean if you had kids. He's obviously not trustworthy. 

Who needs a signature?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Serial cheater. He'll never change.
You also need to work on yourself. It's obvious by the looney behavior that you've accepted that you are either insecure, or you don't value yourself like you should.
Find a man who wants you bad enough to marry you right off, and one who does well enough to take care of things.
Or just keep the cheater and go in debt, have babies, continue to be cheated on, finally divorce and look back at your life in total disappointment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> *So it is her fault for marring him? * Yeah, fer sure...


I'm not saying it's all her fault but we all have to accept responsibility for our part in the decisions we make, good and bad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

COguy said:


> What kind of screwed up mom tells you NOT to cancel a wedding with a guy who cheats on you because she already spent some money?
> 
> Go to counseling...you have some stuff to work through.


What I got out of the OP is that they were already legally married. Then after being already married, they had a big wedding. That's why her mother said to just have the wedding... it was just a party and not really a wedding after all.

ETA: of course it looks like this will never be confirmed since the OP seems to be long gone. Why do people do that? Post once and disappear?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What I got out of the OP is that they were already legally married. Then after being already married, they had a big wedding. That's why her mother said to just have the wedding... it was just a party and not really a wedding after all.
> 
> ETA: of course it looks like this will never be confirmed since the OP seems to be long gone. Why do people do that? Post once and disappear?


They get answers they don't want? 

Or get found on TAM and promise not to go on it again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I can't respond to everyone directly but YES we got legally married first. Went to the courthouse and signed legal documents. That is exactly why I didn't cancel the wedding ceremony and reception. We were already married and all payments were already made. I wouldn't have gotten back a penny so I decided to enjoy the ceremony and reception in those moments.

From what I know 100% he was sexting 2 different people at 2 different times in our relationship. Cheated once physically (he claimed he only kissed the girl and never had sex). It was when I was away for 2 weeks across the county in another state. 

This may sound bad but took him back because I feel like I don't have time to put into a new relationship. I'm extremely focused on my career and I enjoy what I do for a living. 

I wanted to try and make it work and I am not sure if I will. I've had 2 serious relationships before my husband now. 1 guy was my high school sweetheart and were engaged but in the long run I didn't want to marry a mommas boy after 7 years of dating. The second guy cheated on me and I left after 3 years of dating. Deep down inside I'm scared to leave my husband because when we were dating I fell pregnant and lost the baby. This was in 2012. We currently don't have any kids and not trying to right now.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

We're both also STD free. Ever since we got married in 2015 I've kept regular check ups.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay let me ask you this Honesty , you want to make this work....how committed is her, what lengths is going through to prove to you that he is committed to you and to this marriage, what heavy lifting is he doing to ensure he can rebuild your trust? because you just saying how you want to try and make this work is not going to materialize if he is not stepping up.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

Xenote said:


> okay let me ask you this Honesty , you want to make this work....how committed is her, what lengths is going through to prove to you that he is committed to you and to this marriage, what heavy lifting is he doing to ensure he can rebuild your trust? because you just saying how you want to try and make this work is not going to materialize if he is not stepping up.




Right now he's keeping his phone in the kitchen at night for the past 2 months. Keeps in contact with me frequently during work days. We spend more time together on the weekends. He created an account on an app called Life 360 similar to find my friends iPhone app. So basically I can track his location any time and see past locations. He's definitely more attentive in doing simple tasks. Like if I make a comment and say I want tea, he'll get up instantly and make me tea. Those are the small things he's doing. We're both setting aside time before we go to sleep to just talk. 
Do you have any suggestions?


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I would guess they had a registry office/courthouse wedding then later had a church wedding followed by a reception. Is that right, @honesty61?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I personally think his dad has lots of dirty secrets. When I found out that he cheated on me physically I was frantic and scared. So I told my parents and his dad. His dad begged me not to say anything else to his brother, sister or aunts. His family isn't big at all and they're close. When someone tells you not to say something, it made me think about things his dad could be hiding. 

Long story short. His parents are divorced for many years now. His family makes fun of his mom for "acting crazy" (even her own sisters). I think his mom has a few problems but who doesn't....right? I guess my point is that I think his dad is giving him indirectly bad "advise." His dad always saying random comments women should be doing laundry and blah blah and men work. Yet with his own daughter he doesn't act that way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He needs counseling to figure out why he wants validation from other women. Now, you see why his dad begged you to take him back - because the guy is immature and daddy knew it. 

You're scared to leave your husband because you had a miscarriage 4 years ago? What?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i can't recall if you have signed up for marriage couseling or in his case individual couseling to get to the bottom of his need for attention from others.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I'm looking into counseling and planning to bring it up to him when I find a counselor.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

Over the past few days I feel my anger rising. Every thing he does I feel like it bothers me, I don't let him hug me at night and now I find myself feeling trapped. I feel like a counseling isn't going to help if I mentally want out of this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Honesty61, your WH is not worth hanging on to. He has done nothing to make things better, he and his family sound as if they are truly lacking in moral fortitude. You shouldn't put yourself through the wringer on this, make plans to move on, you can do much much better. You can live a life free of this trauma. Divorce him.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

You need to leave him. As a newlywed you should feel happy to be together and these problems shouldn't be happening. You deserve to feel the newlywed bliss, please do not settle for this. He doesn't deserve you, and in my opinion, he doesn't deserve anyone until he deals with his issues.

Your father in law and mother do not have to live with him. You do. Make the decision for yourself.

You don't have any kids together, so in my opinion you should just dodge this bullet and divorce. You will be sorry in 5 or 10 years when he is STILL cheating on you. It's much better to waste 5-6 years dating the wrong person than it is to spend 15-20 or even more years. He is a serial cheater, this will not get better. I would not put it past him that he has probably been cheating on you the entire time you have been together. The 3 or so times are just the only ones you've caught him in.

Also if you guys decide to have kids his cheating will complicate things. I'll also note here that the cheating will not stop after kids, in fact many times having kids makes it worse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@honesty61 I think individual counselling would be of benefit for you. With an emphasis on leaving the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> I'm a new member here and looking for someone to speak to and advice. Some background, met my husband S in 2010. Dated for a few years and we got legally married in 2015. Recently we had our actual wedding ceremony and reception.
> 
> This is the first time as husband and wife I've caught him cheating (text messaging), or what I believe is deception. However I've caught him 2 times sexting and know of 1 actual physical relationship with another female. The sexting I handled and got over because I didn't see it as a big deal to break up during our dating years.
> 
> ...


Didn't read the entire thread but dating is a trial period. In this period, it is my opinion, that there should be no forgiveness. You are dating to see if the person is suitable for a long term relationship. People are on their best behaviour in dating so if they are misbehaving then it won't get better after marriage. Some people think marriage is a magical ceremony. The same person they are before the ring is the same person they are after. Scratch that. They get worse after the ring.


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