# Anyone have a WS that played you???



## samdew9 (Jun 10, 2013)

I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately. I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part. But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. I may get physical with the guy. How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately. I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part. But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. I may get physical with the guy. How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


The better question to ask would be has anyone ever had a WS that "didn't" play you. They all do. They've cheated and by nature that makes them liars and con artists. 

Really it's just a matter of degree and method.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

let her know that until she goes NC with OM any affection she shows you is offensive to you and to cut it out. You won't stand by and be placated while she is still considering OM. 

Look up the 180, live it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

By definition the WS is playing the BS.

She has obviously destroyed your trust to the point that you can not believe her and that is what is bothering you.

Make your own decision based on what you feel. In this situation there is no right or wrong for you. It is simply what YOU need for you.

If you "feel" that you are being played, you probably are. Some call it that "gut feeling". I think it is our subconscious screaming "SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE".

Don't second guess yourself. You have made a decision and have decided to act.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I was played for years. Her and the OM would go without contact for a couple of months and then fully make up for it. My regret is that I wasn't stronger when I first discovered.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately. I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part. But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. I may get physical with the guy. How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


OP, I just re-read your other thread.

Having sex with your wife while in the process of filing for divorce is just a notion that I couldn't stomach. Particularly if she is continuing contact with him. Either she's in or she's out, and if she's out - it's the 180 and filing for D.

It would seem she is using sex to manipulate a lack of deserved consequences. Is it working?

I've seen at least one other poster say that a man should not turn down sex in this scenario; I just don't happen to agree with that. It makes detaching from her all the more difficult and gives her a conflicting message about your resolve.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm torn.

On the one hand, ramped-up physical affection COULD mean she is truly trying to show her re-dedication to you ("I want to be with you").

On the other hand, she could be playing you like a fiddle.

If you haven't, ask for No Contact with OM. She should not balk at this AT ALL. If she follows through with the NC and continues to be more affectionate, I would not turn down her advances. However, if she doesn't agree to NC, then you have your answer.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I've seen at least one other poster say that a man should not turn down sex in this scenario; I just don't happen to agree with that. It makes detaching from her all the more difficult and gives her a conflicting message about your resolve
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I agree, once it was over I was left looking for signs that weren't there. Way to hard for me to ever do again.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

samdew9 said:


> I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part.


Did she swear the same thing? If so, I would strongly suggest to you that you are no longer bound by it. She was the one that broke any agreement or understanding that you both had.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

badmemory said:


> The better question to ask would be has anyone ever had a WS that "didn't" play you. They all do. They've cheated and by nature that makes them liars and con artists.
> 
> Really it's just a matter of degree and method.


Correct.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Burned said:


> I've seen at least one other poster say that a man should not turn down sex in this scenario; I just don't happen to agree with that. It makes detaching from her all the more difficult and gives her a conflicting message about your resolve
> ----------
> 
> I agree, once it was over I was left looking for signs that weren't there. Way to hard for me to ever do again.


That last part was painful and painfully hard not to notice. When you are less experienced in these situations, your brain may make up reasons for it, and make it ok.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Burned said:


> I was played for years. Her and the OM would go without contact for a couple of months and then fully make up for it. My regret is that I wasn't stronger when I first discovered.


How did you intially know for a fact that it was going down?

What did you do about it?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

badmemory said:


> OP, I just re-read your other thread.
> 
> Having sex with your wife while in the process of filing for divorce is just a notion that I couldn't stomach. Particularly if she is continuing contact with him. Either she's in or she's out, and if she's out - it's the 180 and filing for D.
> 
> ...


It could mean "we have moved on", and this is "Just sex"... Some kinda playeresque stuff. Some of the emotional doors are probably fused shut, so the sex isn't even as good as connected sex.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Some people I know have sex until the bitter end. I wouldn't. 

Not knowing who she's boffing, or more to the point, who the OM is boffing other than her, I would think I was at too much risk for unannounced STDs. 

That would be salt in the ole wound.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately. I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part. But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. *I may get physical with the guy.* How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


And you may get a jail sentence or -depending on the laws where you live- the death penalty if he 'accidentally' karks it, whilst you are "getting physical" with him.

It's not worth it. Really.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately.


Yet she likes his facebook status. 
I am sure you have heard of this:
Words mean nothing. 
Actions mean everything. And so far, her actions show that she still likes seeing this OM's updates on facebook. 
So what do you think that means?


> I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part.


She also swore fidelity to you. But she broke that promise. Her breach of the contract excuses you from keeping your end of the contract. 



> But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. I may get physical with the guy. How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


Well, I don't know if I got fake affection. Actually, I don't think I want to know at this point. Already divorced, so it won't do me any good to know. 

As for getting physical, that is a horrible idea. Trust me, I just know. 
But if you are hell bent on doing this, I have compiled a list of things you will need if you want to beat the OM into the ground:
1. Around $100,000 for legal expenses, possible fines and other bills you could incur
2. Enough money to live on for a year should you lose your job. This is not counted in the $100k. It is a separate fund entirely. 
3. You should have a friend in law enforcement, or a police officer that owes you a favor. 
4. You should be able to bench at least 200 lbs. 
5. And you should keep your schedule open for the next 3 years. This is to allow for your possible court dates, jail time, and even prison time. 

If you are missing just one of those, then don't beat up the other man. If you have all of those, then go for it. 


If you are divorcing, then just stop hooking up with your wife. No more sex, no more talking, no more emails, no more anything. 
And then, divorce! It is that simple! If you think she is still hooking up with the OM, divorce! If you can't get over what she did, divorce! If the love you had for her is dying a slow death, divorce now and not 5-10 years down the road! 

Set both of you free. 
If you can't take her, leave her, and be free. 
And if she is secretly hooking up with the OM, she'll be free to do that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Well you can be have a wayward spouse situation and not played.

Imagine if you will as a wife:

"I'm tired of waiting. I've done everything you asked, I'm not waiting one more day. I'm going find a man who wants to have sex with me."

Go out and do it.

Now you have a WAS situation but no one was misled.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> I decided that I'm going to file for D this week (see my other thread) But at the same time, my wife has been extremely physical with me and more affectionate than she's been in years. We went from once a week maybe to 3-5 times per week. She has always said that she doesn't and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but my gut is just SCREAMING bologna. Things just don't seem right. Like her and the OM are all of the sudden doing things on the internet in public when before it was always hidden. She's still posting and liking his posts on FB. But yet she has been badmouthing him lately. I feel like a jerk to be filing because I swore to be by her side until death do us part. But if she is playing me and giving me fake affection, I don't know how I will take that. I may get physical with the guy. How did you all deal with you WS that played you and gave you fake affection???


You have posted quite a bit here and have posted that you are not computer savvy and other man is, and that you believe he might be spying on you.

It sounds like a conspiracy theory and I don't believe it's true, but I wouldn't rule it out. More likely your wife has been spying on you, maybe other man told her how to do it.

Going forward, clear out your browser history every time you finish with the computer. If they put a keylogger on your computer, then they will see every keystroke you type.

I have a few questions. Where do you stand on your wife and her passwords? Have you directly asked for them? Where do you stand on your wife giving up contact with other man? Has she flat-out refused to do this for you?



samdew9 said:


> Both. But she logs out of FB on her computer and *her smartphone is like another appendage*.


If this is still true, this means it is an affair.

There has never been a case where the phone was like an appendage and they were NOT cheating.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

treyvion said:


> How did you intially know for a fact that it was going down?
> 
> What did you do about it?


I had access to her phone account, I checked everyday. Not a way to live your life. I didn't have the "Balls" to do anything about it. Took me a few years to figure out that I deserved better.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Sam, for me I couldn't and wouldn't want to touch my SO ever again. My mind movies would kill me and it almost did. I can handle a lot and stomach even more, but when it comes to this crap, it can and will pull a whammy. Manipulation is the name of the game it also sounds like hysterical bonding. But you can never be 100%, in trusting that she he has gone NC, mentally and physically with the OM. For me I could care less, sorry babe you don't get the second chance you thought you could. I'm up front when it comes to this. You play, you go. Not to mention the STD gamble she has put on your shoulders. Just another way to screw with you. IMHO, not happening. BTW, don't go physical, no matter what. Trust me, this is how this works from a lawdog view point. Arrest, jail, bond, court, court cost (lawyer etc..) time off of work you get the message. If you think she is playing you then she is. Good luck.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with the advice for the most part. If continuing to have sex with her will make it more difficult for you then stop. If it will not affect you and you want sex from her then invest in quality latex condoms to minimize your chance of being infected with an std by your wife. 

Is your ws playing you. If you have to ask the question. Then most likely she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also do not get physical with om. It will not be worth it 

You'll get legal headaches and he will get sympathy and tlc from your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's funny. You said that you swore to be by her side until death do you part. I'd like to remind you that she said those same words to you on your wedding day so tell me Samdew 9, how things going? It takes two to make a marriage and when she makes it 3 by seeing another guy behind your back and throwing you sex hoping that it will cool your ass for awhile because I think she might know that you have come to the end of the line and she will be facing some life changing experiences that doesn't sit well with her. There is nothing I hate worse than "Pity Sex". I find it to be a sometimes great controlling method and a lot of guys fall for it. You know what you have to do, so do it and when the dust settles, you'll be in a better place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not sure who played who, in my case Mrs. the-guy rarely "throw" me some sex... I took it...took when ever I wanted it.

After all she was screwing around behide my back so what was she to do, call the cops and spend the night with the cops filling out reports, instead of OM's? I regress she spent plenty of nights with cops, just not filling out reports.

Anyway back to point. In my case, we played each other, back in the day. I took what I wanted and turned a blind eyye to what my old lady did. As unhealthy as it was I got mine and she got hers.

So in short I handled my old ladies fake affection in the most unhealthy way possible. I'm wired differant then most, so listen to others and just stay way from her advances. You will be better off for it. Or spend years like I did treating my wife the way she was behaving behind my back.

As far as recieving affection from my old lady...well its hard to show affection when your being held down.


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

In the end, when the BS is all healed (and I do believe that we will heal) and moves on, learns from the mistakes...finds a better partner...starts a new life, it will be obvious that the WS only played themselves...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I was played by my STBXH like a fine Stratavarius violin. Never again. Divorce final in a few months! Yay. No contact all the way. He can have his skank women, and the nasty one he knocked up while we were married.

If I had a dollar for every lie he has told me over the years.... He played me when I was at my most vulnerable. He can go to hell.

I do believe in the Karma bus. I truly do.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

So they are STILL in contact after all this time and after all the stress she knows its causing you????? Your hanging on to a vow that she is not willing to commit too or show any respect for the marriage. 

Seems like the OM is getting the same badmouthing your wife has told her coworkers about YOU. Sometimes a person gets played not because of another person but because they play themselves. 

REREAD YOUR POSTS AND EVALUATE ALL THE MINUTE DETAILS YOU HAVEN'T POSTED. FOLLOW YOUR GUT.


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