# My wife wants a divorce, I think it can be fixed.



## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

I met my current wife after just having a child with another woman. I was a 25 year old kid who had just gotten out of prison for some burglaries(7yrs) i committed in high school and was out looking to make up for lost time. In the beginning of our relationship I was still sleeping with my ex and I had a few one night stands. A few months into our relationship she was pregnant with my son and we moved in together. My infidelity was unnoticed and continued throughout the next three years until I actually dated another woman and my "wife" became pregnant again with my daughter. My other relationship was then in the picture and there was a horrible discussion about break up and my "wife" forgave me. The was still some contact here and there between myself and the other woman(nothing psychical), which my "wife" always found out about. We put it aside and decided to get married. That was two and a half years ago and now my wife tells me she cannot get over that other relationship and wants a divorce and I don't. This all just came up a week ago and i am struggling. Any advice out there?
I never gave my wife and I and our relationship 100% and I am at the point where I want to do that but she doesn't. She doesn't want MC or to try anything. Are there any options that will help me save this relationship for both her, myself and our children?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I suggest that you do some quick learning about affairs and marriage.

Start with "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

The move on to the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

I also suggest that after you read "Surviving an Affair" that you can Dr. Harley and get a counseling session with him.

Unfortunately you have messed up terribly. Your marriage will be very hard to save. You and your wife probably had no idea of how to property handle reconciliation from infidelities.


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## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

I have been doing some really quick learning as of late. I fit the profile of expectations when she broke the news to me.I was suicidal, begging and pleading, very smothering. I have been trying to give her space since doing a little reading. I find it hard not tell her that I love her and to not hold her. That is one of the hardest parts in all this. I do break down and tell her how much I care and I grasp her hand when we talk but not every second and I am trying not too. I am not ready to give up on us, she has tried and I havent. I think that if we were both to try together everything would work out for the best.
Thank you for your advice and for listening, sometimes it just helps to write.
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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Why are you telling her that stuff, and holding her hand, and holding her? Is it to help comfort her, which she shows no signs of needing comfort, or are you using her to comfort yourself?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

EleGirl has it pretty much nailed down there. You are in a tough spot...and most of us on here have been there regarding the "fix it" mode - pleading, bending over backwards etc. It's the stage you are in at the minute...despite the good and correct advice you will receive, I think you will likely need to go through it before that advice makes sense.

There will come a time (probably not too far away) when you'll need to cut away and follow the steps in EleGirls links. The sooner you can do it the better...but when you do, it has to be real and genuine - at your early stage you might subconsciously regard the whole 180 thing as a further "trick" to win her back and if so, it'll be flawed.

Myself, I have ultimately found a lot of great peace by knowing that I desperately went through a "fix it" stage - some genuine changes really happened during that time and set the stage for the rest. If I hadn't gone right through it, I'd probably be second guessing myself as to whether I'd done enough to try and get it back on track - whereas now, I realize it was really out of my hands for a long time and it "wasn't me" so to speak. 

You might find it useful to have a look at these two links as a start to understanding where you are at. The second one explains the grief cycle you are in, and things you will experience. I have found that those 5 phases do not really run in order...they jump around, but at any given time you are likely to be in one or the other of them.

Relationship breakup - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Why are you telling her that stuff, and holding her hand, and holding her? Is it to help comfort her, which she shows no signs of needing comfort, or are you using her to comfort yourself?


I want to say to comfort us both but you are correct that she shows no sign of needing comfort and I would say it is to comfort myself.
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## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> EleGirl has it pretty much nailed down there. You are in a tough spot...and most of us on here have been there regarding the "fix it" mode - pleading, bending over backwards etc. It's the stage you are in at the minute...despite the good and correct advice you will receive, I think you will likely need to go through it before that advice makes sense.
> 
> There will come a time (probably not too far away) when you'll need to cut away and follow the steps in EleGirls links. The sooner you can do it the better...but when you do, it has to be real and genuine - at your early stage you might subconsciously regard the whole 180 thing as a further "trick" to win her back and if so, it'll be flawed.
> 
> ...


You are right most likely, cutting away is not what I want and it's hard know that one of these days she will be out of the house and not in my daily life but it is whats best for her. As for the 180 as a subconscious ploy, I have been there with her before and that is what is was but at this point the changes I am making are not only to show her how I feel but to grow myself into the person I should of always been. I feel that even if the changes I make do not bring her back it with further the relationship I have with my children and make me a better overall person. I guess it can amount to finally growing up a little.
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## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

Filed my legal seperation today here in Wisconsin. It was hard. I took out all the papers and did all the work even though she was the one that wants a divorce. I cling to that hope that someday we can be together again. I know at this point I must leave her alone and let her do her thing. It's hard but I got the kids so it could be worse

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you mean that you have custody of the kids? Are they living with you?

Are you still living in the same house with your wife?

And did you get a copy of "Surviving an Affair"?


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## tgkid88 (Jun 27, 2012)

We do still reside in the same house, for now. She is looking for a place. She works third so I have my kids 24 hours a day. Once she moves out I will have them four days a week per our seperation agreement. Lately she comes back here for a couple hour then goes to a friends house to see a man she has become emotionally attached to then about an hour before her shift she comes back here, gets ready for work and the cycle repeats. Have not been to the books store yet, been doing a lot of reading online at night, but I will check it out. Worst part is we all leave for a vacation in the morning that we've had planned for a few months. I am dreading this as its not going to be fun at all with her and I in our current situations and attitudes. I am just going to try and enjoy myself in spite of the situation, it's all about the kids but when I planned this there was a romantic side to it as well so that part has been terminated.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tgkid88 said:


> We do still reside in the same house, for now. She is looking for a place. She works third so I have my kids 24 hours a day. Once she moves out I will have them four days a week per our seperation agreement. Lately she comes back here for a couple hour then goes to a friends house to see a man she has become emotionally attached to then about an hour before her shift she comes back here, gets ready for work and the cycle repeats. Have not been to the books store yet, been doing a lot of reading online at night, but I will check it out. Worst part is we all leave for a vacation in the morning that we've had planned for a few months. I am dreading this as its not going to be fun at all with her and I in our current situations and attitudes. I am just going to try and enjoy myself in spite of the situation, it's all about the kids but when I planned this there was a romantic side to it as well so that part has been terminated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can order the book online. That's how I buy most of my books now. Amazon even has used ones at a good discount.


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