# Young guy would appreciate some help.



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Hello and thanks to all you kind people who spend your time advising others.

Story:
Been with girlfriend 6 years lived together for 5.
Was planning on proposing at xmas, already have the proposal gift (wanted a watch not a ring..)
Looked at her facebook yesterday to find messages involving her and my estate agent, we live in rented property, flirting, dirty texting, sending pictures to each other...and most hurtful of all mentioning me in conversations "you looked so hot in your shorts today shame your boyfriend was there" etc etc. Anyway, the last message was from her inviting him to her room after a party in a hotel two nights ago. 

>EDIT: im not a suspicious person, i was see'ing if her mum had given her any clues about my proposal that i had ran by her the previous week.

After confronting her i got the "it only happened once" bull**** and she just cries "dont leave me" and other such cliche's. She says she got caught up in the excitement of it all and liked the attention. The thing that cripples me though is that these conversations spanned over weeks and months, it's not a spur of the moment thing..it's a pre planned, thought out act. There was another message to another guy saying "shame you have a girlfriend, tonight couldve been fun".

The dilema i have is that i obviously love her, and was about to marry this woman. I'm inexperienced with relationships, this is the only one i have ever had and i truly believed that i would spend m life with this woman. But i can't get the images of her and him out of my head...having sex...holding her..kissing her..its disgusting.

Does anyone have any useful advice, because i have no idea what to do. At the moment im sleeping in the spare room, i cant look at her, but i cant bring myself to kick her out...i'm too decent a guy. On the other hand i just cant think of anything worse than kissing the lips of the lady that's been kissed by someone else two days previously.

I'm sorry that this isn't the most articulate post in the world, i'm hurting a bit right now.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Apart from anything else that is very unprofessional of your estate agent.
Is he an employee? If so report him to his employers I would have thought they would take a dim view of him upsetting their tenants.

If he is the owner how are you going to feel handing over money to him. I mean ouch! You pay him, and he bangs your girlfriend, that would feel so demeaning.

I hope you have confronted him.

You will have to make the decision to split or reconcile but I have to say it doesn't look good, you are not even married yet and she has had one physical affair that you know of and has sent out feelers for another.
To be honest I'd be done, how could you trust her with marriage?


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

He is actually the Ex estate agent but used inspections to flirt with my girlfriend, and obviously the relationship stems from details he gained through his work.

I would confront him, but the guy is better looking than me, a semi profesional sports person, and he just banged my woman. I cant help but feel a bit vulnerable knowing that he has me beaten all ends up.

Thanks for the advice. I love her. But am i a fool.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You had a good run with her but count her lost.
She KNEW you was about to propose and did this,,, watch not ring,,,. Then you throw in how easy she tried to throw it out of both pants legs with the guy with a girlfriend. That tell you she has been a busy girl.
You know why ??? Look at the guilt you feeling for seeing the emails. You are a moral person, she is looking for a easy going sucker. She may not have started out this way with you, but it seems she's gotten bored. OR she was this way all along, just hid it well since you wasn't looking.

Now, what ever you do, do NOT let her, family, or friends guilt you into staying with this woman.

Know what????? Go read TOOname thread " New wife had affair w/best friend.

DON'T let that be you !!!
Count this up as life experience and first love.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and i know that blaming myself is an irrational thing to do. But i can't help feeling like the world's biggest fool.

I worked 16 hours saturday night to pay for an engagement gift i bought last week.
She ****ed another guy saturday night.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> He is actually the Ex estate agent but used inspections to flirt with my girlfriend, and obviously the relationship stems from details he gained through his work.
> 
> I would confront him, but the guy is better looking than me, a semi profesional sports person, and he just banged my woman. I cant help but feel a bit vulnerable knowing that he has me beaten all ends up.
> 
> Thanks for the advice. I love her. But am i a fool.


Sorry, when I said confront I meant as in letting him know how disgusting he is and what a low life he was. But if he is not around any more then that is not an option.

Did they have plans to meet further?


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Sorry, when I said confront I meant as in letting him know how disgusting he is and what a low life he was. But if he is not around any more then that is not an option.
> 
> Did they have plans to meet further?


Oh yeah i have no intention of violence, im a proffessional guy, 23 years old. I have proffessional registration to lose. But one reply of "i ****ed your girl" would be a crushing blow.

Thanks for the advice so far guys, you're a very kind community...and all i have at the moment.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and i know that blaming myself is an irrational thing to do. But i can't help feeling like the world's biggest fool.
> 
> I worked 16 hours saturday night to pay for an engagement gift i bought last week.
> She ****ed another guy saturday night.


And have you told her this? Because I would.

I would then give her the gift and tell her that it is worthless and means nothing to you. And she can do whatever she likes with it.

She invited him to her room:wtf:

FWIW dude I don't think this is her first time with him.

Why is he the ex estate agent?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

As for there is never a positive. WRONG !!!! 
There is nothing like stumping in the face to make you feel better. BUT NEVER DO IT.
That's for ppl like ME. and believe me, I sleep very well.

Anon2, you are not me, so let me tell you a lil something. 
He may look better, but he is NOT HALF the man you are. If he was, he would not be banging others SO


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Ex estate agent just because we moved house. But i remember him coming around for inspections and stuff. Right under my nose. Jesus it's pathetic.

I'd give her it but..it cost £4500! Screw that! 

From the sounds of the messages it is the first time they've done this. But it was a well thought out, calculated act. A drunken fling is different. That's what's destroying me.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

How is she acting now?

Other betrayed spouses have described their WS remorse as snot bubblingly crying, begging for forgiveness.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Hello and thanks to all you kind people who spend your time advising others.
> 
> Story:
> Been with girlfriend 6 years lived together for 5.
> ...


You're right, it was planned out and that makes it, in my eyes, more cold blooded compared to a drunken ONS type of thing.

She knew what she was doing all the way. Obviously she knew where she stood with you and how you felt about her. 

And her excuses were classic. Only once, liked the attention.

Typical script. Does she understand that 'only once' may not mean a thing to you? Did she think your threshhold was 6,7, or eight times?( and can you take the word of a known liar as to the number of times?)

She doesn't really think that 'only once' is OK with you but is minimizing her offense.

I would think hard about taking her back and I say this knowing you love her. But think. You'll be spending the rest of your life with her, always wondering, questioning her activites and waiting for the next time that another guy pays her some attention.

Because now you know she has stayed, with little or no effort, and your feelings mean nothing to her


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

I'd describe similar.
cant live without you
dont leave me
one off ment nothing
i love you
ill do anything

All the cliche's ...there is not one single thing that she could say to make this situation better.
However, the fact that i havn't kicked her out because i knowshe has no where else to go..must mean i love her.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Ex estate agent just because we moved house. But i remember him coming around for inspections and stuff. Right under my nose. Jesus it's pathetic.
> 
> I'd give her it but..it cost £4500! Screw that!
> 
> From the sounds of the messages it is the first time they've done this. But it was a well thought out, calculated act. A drunken fling is different. That's what's destroying me.


OK. Wow you had her bad didn't you. That's some gift.

I'd still tell her about it, then return it to the shop if I could.

Or ask around all your mutual friends on facebook, advertise it as an unwanted engagement present.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I'd describe similar.
> cant live without you
> dont leave me
> one off ment nothing
> ...


But it wasn't a one off was it? As you mentioned she was also putting feelers out towards another man.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

23 yrs old, man you just dodged the bullet. She knows the $$$$$ you will be pulling down man. But since she has done this so long, she just got careless and you busted her.

What I want you to do is get some IC for your self confidence.
You making good bucks, so spend it on you. Good dentist, new glasses, and clothes. Even a new hairstyle.
You have spent too many yrs at an young age focused on someone you never really knew. Now focus on yourself.
Oh, and just to throw a lil rality on ya, those lips was not just on his lips. VD tests NOW !!!! And don't believe her for a minute he used protection. We here KNOW cheating sex is unprotected sex.
So get the tests done yesterday. He had her and others, so you all have a connection. You know EXACTLY what I'm saying. 
It's time to think of yourself now


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

I havn't had sex with her since the date i know she cheated on me...the thought of that makes me feel ill.

Is it common to have an image of the two together in my head? It's that thought playing over and over. I attempted to go to work today but i'm a health proffessional, i shouldn't be treating people when my mind is not on the job. 
In the relationship i make sure she is happy, cheer her up when she is down, generally i assumed my role is/was to provide and care for her. Now i see her crying my natural instinct wants to stop her crying and take care of her. I know this is an irrational idea, an pathetic as hell...so im fighting the urge. But a large part of me wants to console her and brush it under the carpet. This is obviously the wrong thing to do. I understand this.

I think i have issues...my parents got divorced when i was 13 and i still don't know the reason why, i never asked because it would hurt so i brushed it under the carpet and told myself i was mentally strong.

But that's another story! hahah.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I'd describe similar.
> cant live without you
> dont leave me
> one off ment nothing
> ...


Ok you love her

and she knows it. And, cynically she's using that knowledge.

'one off meant nothing'

what did it mean to her then? if it meant nothing then why did she do it? It must have meant something to her.

Everyhing she said about it,what she will do for you to stay is all crap. If she is so remoresful now it's only because you found out.

Think hard, examine what you know. Do you think that this would have been a 'one off' if you had remained ignorant?

Or would she continue banging him only now wearing her new watch while doing it?


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

In the meantime also, i'm at home. She'll be here at 5. What do i do? Should i stay at my friends for the night? Or tell her to get out?I can't shout at her, it's not in my nature. She tried to talk to me last night and it just petered out into sat here in silence crying...i can't even look at her.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

I have another question, sorry!

Would talking to my parents about this be a bad idea, im aware that if things were to ever get better, im pretty sure they'd always look down upon her.

Why am i even considering her feelings?


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Thanks for your advice so far. There are so many questions that can't be answered, but you're doing a god job of sorting the questions that can be answered!


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You say she has nowhere to go.

What about her parents?


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

I would not talk to your folks just yet. Not until you've sorted through your feelings and start to get a handle on where you want to go.

Also, return the engagement gift and get a refund. Give her something more mundane for Christmas. Put the whole engagement idea on hold for now and let her know why. 
There is no rush on it at all, especially with what has happened.

Some IC would be good. You need to talk with someone about this .. to vent ... to help yourself.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

For me, a physical affair is a deal breaker. You are still single and you should consider yourself lucky you learned about this character flaw she has before you married her. Do not propose to her. Do not marry her. I suggest you break off your relationship and move on.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

No one but you can make the decision. Only you know how you feel.

I/we don't want you to make a hasty decision that will stay with you forever.

But for me...

She planned it out. She knew what she was doing.

She had no problem doing that while being with you.

And for the most pathetic reasons and excuses.

Her remorse comes from being caught, not from hurting you, otherwise she would not have done it.

She would have been fine living with you and you not knowing, 
'one off' or not.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> I would not talk to your folks just yet. Not until you've sorted through your feelings and start to get a handle on where you want to go.
> 
> Also, return the engagement gift and get a refund.* Give her something more mundane for Christmas.* Put the whole engagement idea on hold for now and let her know why.
> There is no rush on it at all, especially with what has happened.
> ...


Why give her anything? You don't reward bad behavior


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I would then give her the gift and tell her that it is worthless and means nothing to you. And she can do whatever she likes with it.


He worked 16 hours to buy her that gift. I wouldn't give her squat. I would return it, sell it, or give it to charity before I gave it to her lying cheating butt.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Guys:
> 
> This man is as raw as one can be.
> 
> ...


I agree, but at the same time it is no good saying "there there never mind" is it? Because it is not.

He wants to know if there is any advice as to what he should do when she comes home at 5.

Anon,do you have mutual (girl) friends she could stay at?

Her parents?

Personally I think you need space at the moment. You could remove yourself, but she is the one who did wrong so she should move out.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> He worked 16 hours to buy her that gift. I wouldn't give her squat. I would return it, sell it, or give it to charity before I gave it to her lying cheating butt.


Yer, I suggested that before I realised it was $4500 worth.

I'd still let her know what I bought before taking it back.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Ex estate agent just because we moved house. But i remember him coming around for inspections and stuff. Right under my nose. Jesus it's pathetic.
> 
> I'd give her it but..it cost £4500! Screw that!
> 
> From the sounds of the messages it is the first time they've done this. But it was a well thought out, calculated act. A drunken fling is different. That's what's destroying me.


Take the gift back to the store. Forget the engagement for now. Everything is on hold. She doesn't get to be "rewarded" for betraying you at this point. You caught her. It's not like she confessed, so, if you had not caught her, her behavior would continue.

I am truly sorry for your pain. Many of us have been there. But, the good news (in your situation) is that you are not legally committed to her at this point. You are free to go and find someone else who will be loving and loyal to you, and they are out there.

You need not do anything. The burden of "fixing" this falls on her. Has she done anything for you to prove that she is sorry? And, if so, is that also "calculated"? You see, you recognize that the trust is gone now. It's time to weigh your options objectively.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> I'd describe similar.
> cant live without you
> dont leave me
> one off ment nothing
> ...


That is a pretty crappy definition of love. 

Think about this scenario.. You are a rich guy and you loved this woman for a few years and then you found out that she is a scam artist that finds rich men and steals their money. Does that mean your love for her is false ? That only means you loved what she projected to you. You loved the person she represented herself to be. So your emotions will take some time to readjust and accept the situation. if you take her back immediately and start playing relationship again, nothing will change. Like every relationship, the bonding masks your heart to the deception and you will totally rug sweep the pain that teaches you valuable life lessons.

This is your best chance to get out of from this relationship. Dating period is like the test drive you take before buying a car. This one is a dud. Don't be back with her just because you invested 5 years in it. We've seen much worse scenarios for people who did that in this forum. 



And FWIW, I don't think this is the first time. This has been going on for months. This was the first time she did it on her FB or she forgot about it.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> I have another question, sorry!
> 
> Would talking to my parents about this be a bad idea, im aware that if things were to ever get better, im pretty sure they'd always look down upon her.
> 
> Why am i even considering her feelings?


Yep, tell them immediately. You need a support structure. Also, ask her to move out until you ask her to come back.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That is a pretty crappy definition of love.
> 
> Think about this scenario.. You are a rich guy and you loved this woman for a few years and then you found out that she is a scam artist that finds rich men and steals their money. Does that mean your love for her is false ? That only means you loved what she projected to you. You loved the person she represented herself to be. So your emotions will take some time to readjust and accept the situation. if you take her back immediately and start playing relationship again, nothing will change. Like every relationship, the bonding masks your heart to the deception and you will totally rug sweep the pain that teaches you valuable life lessons.
> 
> ...


:iagree: especially the last bit.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Sorry about my post.
> 
> I missed the post where you offered some comfort.


No problemo.

You made a valid point. It's very easy to overload a first time poster with advice and cries of "burn the witch".

Your advice has been noted.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Is the ex estate agent in a relationship or married?


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Malaise said:


> No one but you can make the decision. Only you know how you feel.
> 
> I/we don't want you to make a hasty decision that will stay with you forever.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Plus she would have been swanning around with the watch on as well feeling pretty good about herself, trying to close the deal with the other OM you mentioned or a re-hookup with sleazeball estate agent.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Instead of confronting the other man. You need to expose him. To his employer, he was acting like he was inspecting, to his wife, girlfriend and his family. Does he have any license or certification that could be in jeopardy? Put him on cheaterville.com. When people google him they will be aware not to trust him around their women.

If you marry her, are you willing to have children and wonder if you need to have them DNA tested after they are born. Its the only way you will know who's children you are raising. She simply has low/no morals. She made her bed, not you, she has to lie in it.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, as painful as this is, you need to take solace in the fact that you were not betrayed by her after marriage with kids. As others have said, you dodged a bullet. You should have a ZERO tolerance for cheating for a GF - especially if there are no kids in the mix. Most likely this OM is a player and he will not have any interest in your GF once he finds out she is "single". Truth is that none of the other guys will want to touch her if they realize that she's looking for a relationship. The tears she is crying is not for you - they are for her because she realizes that she threw away a very happy life for some short term fun that would not last. Sucks to be her.

Reflect on this relationship and look at what went right and what went wrong. One clue that I picked up on right away is that you were too nice to her. She didn't respect you because you did too much for her. A relationship needs to have a lot more give and take, equality and mutual respect. Learn from this and don't make the same mistake.

If you decide to reconcile with her, then you will be the biggest idiot on the planet. Take comfort in knowing that you learned who she really was before you married her. That's actually a good thing.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I hate to say it because love is a powerful thing but I think you would be better off not proposing and running far away. You have years invested but you dont have a home, children, etc. You might want to thank God right now also for letting you know before it was too late! 

Sorry you are here!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You were about to get engaged. She banged someone else on the same day you brought the engagement gift. Take it as a sign from god. God shows his mercy upon people in different way, this was the way for you.

Lucky that you didn't find after getting married that she was banging your agent before even you were engaged.

We date many to find the best partner to live happily and get older, Now you found that she is not that girl. Move on and find your girl.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Dump her,problem solved.


----------



## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

My friend, a long time ago i had a girl friend that i was about to ask to marry me and on the same weekend i had set to ask her i caught her with another man. she too begged me not to leave her, I did leave her and for a long time she keep trying to get me back until i moved to get away from her. I am so glade that i did my life has been a whole lot better, yes at first it hurt real bad but after i made the decision to dump her i felt a little better and as time went by i thought about her less and less until she was gone from my mind, this left me much wiser and i was in a position to meet and marry a woman who her better in everything.

you are young, take out the trash. you can not make a ***** into a house wife


----------



## bouillon (Nov 13, 2012)

Being at that age to have a five year relationship is a little tricky. Very few people at 23 have the maturity to understand and respect the idea of exclusivity forever. Your girlfriend might have been scared by that and saw the opportunity to get it in with a hot guy, or two, before she settled down. She might have had every intention to never do this again. Who knows...

The truth is that if you decide to accept her back you set a precedent for the relationship. You are sending the message that "Yes you betrayed me and I love you enough to get over it." (And there is nothing wrong with that) You are sending this message coupled with the fact that you have both the age and financial freedom to drop her. What happens further down the road though? When she decides she wants more fun, when you've gotten older and have children and risk loosing half of everything you own? She is already going to have the template of you moving past her betrayal even when you had an easy out. 

I know that you are hurt bro and for this to be your first, with the emotions that come with that, you are probably in a really bad place. I can't just advise you to drop your first love. I can say that you need to seriously consider the implications of allowing this relationship to move forward. Im not that much older than you and I can't imagine spending the next 30 to 40 to 50 years of my life having to wonder if my wife is cheating on me. Can you?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and i know that blaming myself is an irrational thing to do. But i can't help feeling like the world's biggest fool.
> 
> I worked 16 hours saturday night to pay for an engagement gift i bought last week.
> She ****ed another guy saturday night.


Man I'm so sorry. This is so f**ked up. I don't know you personally but reading this shows you clearly deserve so much better then her.



Anon2 said:


> In the meantime also, i'm at home. She'll be here at 5. What do i do? Should i stay at my friends for the night? Or tell her to get out?I can't shout at her, it's not in my nature. She tried to talk to me last night and it just petered out into sat here in silence crying...i can't even look at her.


If the house is yours guess who should be the one leaving? 



Anon2 said:


> Ex estate agent just because we moved house. But i remember him coming around for inspections and stuff. Right under my nose. Jesus it's pathetic.
> 
> I'd give her it but..it cost £4500! Screw that!


£4500 is more than enough for a good caribbean vacation. Dump her and treat yourself with a good vacation.



Anon2 said:


> From the sounds of the messages it is the first time they've done this.


Possible but not likely.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

I got to Young guy & the girlfriend part and stopped reading.

Move on find someone who won't do this to you. 7 billion people in the world, 300 million in the US alone, trust me, you can find someone better, she's not your soulmate.

If I had read, married, kids and she's remorseful and is willing to change, then maybe give her a chance. But, young, not married, no kids.....Easy choice here.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Thank you very much for your advice everybody. It really is appreciated. At the moment I feel A strong urge to go back and forgive. I'm a sucker and I know it, I love this girl. But she has hurt me badly. On one hand I can leave and possibly wander about what wouldve been or I can give her one more chance, and possibly end up heartbroken and with a divorce. She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall). The watch is definately going back. Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance. I understand you people are vastly more experienced than me and I respect your opinions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall).


Do you believe this? 

If it was true would it matter if it was only once or a hundred times? 

Trust has been broken and it'll never be the same again. Not even remotely close.



Anon2 said:


> Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance.


You're not throwing it away. She already did. Typical cheater playing passive aggressive crap.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance.


''

this is her manipulating you.

She already threw it away when they were sexting and f*cking for several months ..It was going on for months. this was not an isolated incident.

/Is this guy married?


----------



## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

If you decide to get married, you are making a significant financial and emotional commitment. Not to mention you are also taking a great personal risk. This is why you should carefully scrutinize your potential spouse for character traits. Sorry, at that she fails in every way.

Dude, you are still very young. Don't waste your time and energy with people that have proven unworthy of your trust.

And you are not throwing away your relationship. She did that by spreading her legs for another guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't see this as a one-time mistake. I see it as an issue of character.

What you often read about here is the sad fallout from a mismatch between a person with a sense of honor and decency and a person who simply lacks that. Once the marriage is there & the children are born, then you're locked into this mismatch for a long time, perhaps for life.

Your gf's bad choice wasn't some spontaneous one-off mistake. I believe it derives from her character. She can lie to you. She can deceive you. She can cheat with other men. These are character traits that will ruin an honorable, decent person's life.

There really are lots of decent women out there in the world. You can have a happy life if you find one of those women.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This is a tough break for any man, but you need some perspective. You say you are in love with her, but you didn't really know her did you? Your desire to have her back is based on your overwhelming need for love. You must realize that you are overly needy and begin to work on yourself. You mentioned your parents divorced. This could be the reason you're so needy. The $4500 watch was serious overkill. True love between young people should not be expressed with expensive gifts. These things should not matter to someone who cares deeply about another. A women who cheats should be dumped immediately with no communication. The tears she shows now are not tears of regret. She is just scared to be alone. Scared of losing the support system that she has with you. Women can cry about many things and its hard to know where it comes from at times. 

Relationships rarely work out when started at age 17. People change and grow in different directions. Some people never develop while others seem to transform over night. In reality she has given you a gift. This would have happened sooner or later because she was needing the attention of different men. Men that she didn't grow up with. Men that don't know where she really started. Men that can fall in love with a new version of herself. Don't miss this opportunity to work on yourself and prepare for a better life. Move on and let her discover herself while you discover yourself.

Good Luck


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Anon2 said:


> Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should have answered

You were willing to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship to be with another man.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Anon2 said:


> He is actually the Ex estate agent but used inspections to flirt with my girlfriend, and obviously the relationship stems from details he gained through his work.
> 
> I would confront him, but the guy is better looking than me, a semi profesional sports person, and he just banged my woman. I cant help but feel a bit vulnerable knowing that he has me beaten all ends up.
> 
> Thanks for the advice. I love her. But am i a fool.


You are a fool if you marry her. She is obviously not ready to get married. 

Call off the wedding! Take your time to decide if you are willing to wait for her to 'grow up' or just move on to someone that you can trust.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Jesus some of these replies are really painful, I'm not having a go though I appreciate it.
We went through a lot together from moving cities jobs university..leaving her is a massive step into the unknown, maybe there is some part of me resistant to that. 

I don't intrinsically think of her as a bad person. But on the other hand she has properly screwed me over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Dude!

Not saying what you should and shouldn't do but you also state your self that there were messages to *another man* saying it "was a shame he had a girlfriend because tonight would have been fun"

Yet another man!


In your description of the talk you had together you mention it dissolved into crying. Who was doing the crying.


----------



## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

She is a serial cheater... Right now she is a young, sloppy serial cheater... maybe she will get better at it as she gets older...

Do you WANT to be the guy that she is always cheating on? Or do you think more of yourself than that?


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

FryFish said:


> She is a serial cheater... Right now she is a young, sloppy serial cheater... maybe she will get better at it as she gets older...
> 
> Do you WANT to be the guy that she is always cheating on? Or do you think more of yourself than that?


:iagree:


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I wish there were words that I could use to describe the horror of having your wife and mother of your children do this to you.

Run.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Ok apparently the other guy thing is a running joke her friend sent the message. I believe that.

Even reading back through my own messages its clear I lack self respect. But, I want to love her so much.

I'm absolutely heartbroken guys thanks for your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Ok apparently the other guy thing is a running joke her friend sent the message. I believe that.
> 
> Even reading back through my own messages its clear I lack self respect. But, I want to love her so much.
> 
> ...


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It will be worse if you don't pull the plug on this one sorry but please find the resolve to end this asap. You love what you thought was her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Thank you very much for your advice everybody. It really is appreciated. At the moment I feel A strong urge to go back and forgive. I'm a sucker and I know it, I love this girl. But she has hurt me badly. On one hand I can leave and possibly wander about what wouldve been or I can give her one more chance, and possibly end up heartbroken and with a divorce. She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall). The watch is definately going back. Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance. I understand you people are vastly more experienced than me and I respect your opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To that I would have told her that she should have thought about that before she put you in a position to have to decide. She put you in this situation, she put both of you in this situation. She has no say in your future at this point. IMO


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is she willing to do/change to save the relationship? Did you show her the watch?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> Thank you very much for your advice everybody. It really is appreciated. At the moment I feel A strong urge to go back and forgive. I'm a sucker and I know it, I love this girl. But she has hurt me badly. On one hand I can leave and possibly wander about what wouldve been or I can give her one more chance, and possibly end up heartbroken and with a divorce. She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall). The watch is definately going back. Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance. I understand you people are vastly more experienced than me and I respect your opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She obviously wasn't thinking about your 7 year relationship when she decided to cheat on you!
OP I understand your hurt, but you, my friend, have been given a get out of jail free card! She has cheated on you before marriage, do you really believe that she is marriage material? This would still be going on if you hadn't caught her. If you marry her, you will be back here in a few years time on the CWI forum for sure!

Where are the alphas Around here to advise this guy?

Tell your parents- you need support!
Tell her parents- they deserve to know what their daughter has done!
Tell the OMs wife/partner if he has one!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> Ok apparently the other guy thing is a running joke her friend sent the message. I believe that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's gas lighting you! Damage limitation! She's lying my friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Thank you very much for your advice everybody. It really is appreciated. At the moment I feel A strong urge to go back and forgive. I'm a sucker and I know it, I love this girl. But she has hurt me badly. On one hand I can leave and possibly wander about what wouldve been or I can give her one more chance, and possibly end up heartbroken and with a divorce. She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall). The watch is definately going back.* Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance*. I understand you people are vastly more experienced than me and I respect your opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Friend, I know it's a scary thought to be alone, without the woman you love. BTDT

But you know that this is manipulation. She's betting on YOUR decency to make up what's lacking in hers. I hope that you can sit back and see that.

SHE threw away the relationship.

As we said before. If this had been a drunken ONS then she could make that case.

But this was planned, premedtitated. She coldly calculated her moves and knew what see was doing when she slept with him.

And you know, as do we all, that the only reason she is remoresful is that you caught her . She didn't see the light on her own and confess. And this could be an ongoing, long time affair if not for that.

So, do what you want to do. But before you do, read some more stories here. Many have posted similar stories.

You have had fair warning. At this point, if you do take her back, you have only yourself to blame when she cheats on you again.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Now she's just following me round the house like a lost puppy. She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship. The choice is mine if I need space or time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Ok apparently the other guy thing is a running joke her friend sent the message. I believe that.
> [/size]


Oy vay. I've got this bridge in Brooklyn....


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> Now she's just following me round the house like a lost puppy. She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship. The choice is mine if I need space or time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her you need both!
Even if you want to work it out, she needs to sweat it out for a while!
If you give in so easy you are just asking for trouble!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Now she's just following me round the house like a lost puppy. *She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship.* The choice is mine if I need space or time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not trying to save her relationship. She's trying to save her gravy train.

Dude, think about all the lie, the cheating, then more lies on top of that to minimize then cheating. Then go look in the nearest mirror and ask yourself....

_Is this really the best I can do? Do I not deserve better?_

Then come back and tell us your answer.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She wanted a watch?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Originally Posted by *Anon2 *
> Thank you very much for your advice everybody. It really is appreciated. At the moment I feel A strong urge to go back and forgive. I'm a sucker and I know it, I love this girl. But she has hurt me badly. On one hand I can leave and possibly wander about what wouldve been or I can give her one more chance, and possibly end up heartbroken and with a divorce. She swears it was once only (in 7 years btw...I got that bit wrong, I am a man afterall). The watch is definately going back. Her words are, am I prepared to throw away 7 years of a loving relationship without a second chance. I understand you people are vastly more experienced than me and I respect your opinions.


You're a health professional so you are used to controlling your emotions and use rationality to avoid problems. This woman has cheated on you once. And for the levity of it i'm thinking this isn't her first rodeo. 

Are you about to sign a paper handing over your earnings and assets to her? Picture this if you will. You are now 40, you've been married to this woman for decades, being faithful and building a life together, perhaps some kids. Then you find out she has been cheating on you again. In order not to be a total chump you are going to divorce her. Now she gets half your stuff, gets to keep the kids (if they are even yours), quite probably keeping the marital home. 

You get to move out for your efforts. Then she has the other POS dude move in, into your house and stuff, playing daddy to your kids (or are they his?). Now you're left alone at an age where you can only find people with certain baggage as mates.

You know how many guys here would pay a fortune to have told before the wedding that they were marrying a cheater? You had that warning. If you ignore it now there isn't really much you can say afterwards when she does it again. 

Because if you're buying that whole "it was only once" crap you're probably heading for a reality check. Go over the conversation again. See if it happens in a tone as if it is something she has never done and has never thought about doing... It isn't is it? From what you wrote she was perfectly confident and calm to the idea that she was going to cheat on you. 

And then:



> Ok apparently the other guy thing is a running joke her friend sent the message. *I believe that.*


Is that how she jokes with her friends? That alone should make you not want to marry this girl. And the bolded part... You believe that, because she told you? Because she is... a trustworthy partner? 

Let me tell you what i see in your posts. You have this huge confusion going on between what you thought she was and what she is. You had this image of her and now it has a huge crack in it and you are struggling to re-adjust. But you use reason professionally. What image is the correct one?

What you saw in those texts she would never show you, that's the real her. Now you must decide if you want to be married to that or you want to risk your chance at finding someone that respects you. 

You are apparently afraid of being alone because you are young and have been with her for a while now. But you are young. You have plenty of time to get back out there.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Great post Costa!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

At the moment my overriding emotions are embarassment and the feeling that she's been with a guy who's bigger and better than myself, how can i live up to that? Everytime i sleep with her...i can't match up. Its humiliating and it's even more humiliating to air my thoughts to you all. These are very short sighted feelings i can see, but if i give this a go again...everytime it goes quiet in the room...or i lie there at night..i'll get images of him in my head.

Is the mantra true, once a cheat, always a cheat?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Great post Costa!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe, but i was left sad when i wrote it. Inexperienced guys get run over by all this crap and it's like they are left in shock. Can't reason or think straight. 

Relationships should come with manuals with some hefty FAQs about this whole infidelity business. Some "don't try to fix it after cheating if you haven't signed papers yet" sticker, perhaps?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, for one thing, see if the Estate Agents | National Association of Estate Agents | NAEA has something to say about what he did. 

It might be possible to recover from this. Though perhaps she is not ready to be in a steady relationship?

I think you might be helped by counselling. The impact of your parents divorce (which you indicate you rugswept) might be at play, here.

Is she genuinely remorseful? Could you get over the mind movies as they call it here on TAM?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Maybe, but i was left sad when i wrote it. Inexperienced guys get run over by all this crap and it's like they are left in shock. Can't reason or think straight.
> 
> Relationships should come with manuals with some hefty FAQs about this whole infidelity business. Some "don't try to fix it after cheating if you haven't signed papers yet" sticker, perhaps?


I agree Costa. A very sad situation. I just think the OP needs to understand that he has been 'lucky' (not the best word I know) to discover just what his GF is capable of before they have married. It's early days I know, but if he decides to go on and marry her, then at least he knows what he's letting himself in for. Infidelity is a *****, whenever it occurs, for me it was 18 years and 3 kids into marriage. Does the OP really want to spend the best years of his life checking up, not trusting, wondering where she is when she's 20 mins late home from work, etc etc! 

It's just a very sorry situation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> At the moment my overriding emotions are embarassment and the feeling that she's been with a guy who's bigger and better than myself,


Dude, you need a pride shot. Better? Are you serious? This POS wanker thought nothing about getting in your way. You now run him over figuratively. You check if there is a way to hurt him bad and go full weight on him. Whatever it is, however it will fly. This is war!


What you don't need is being there feeling sorry for yourself. You have worth. But you need to believe it. Self pity and wallowing in misery are not things you want weighting you down. 

Take care of yourself and get your act together. That Y chromosome you have gave you natural endurance abilities. Our ancestors fought monsters and won. You aren't about to disgrace that just because of some woman who can't keep it in her pants are you?

Come on man!


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

I have few confidence issues trust me. I'm an attractive guy, i go to the gym almost obsessively 4 times a week. The other guy however is a semi pro athlete. I cant match upto that...physically. And it seems physicallity is all she wants, 'cos i gave her everything else.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> At the moment my overriding emotions are embarassment and the feeling that she's been with a guy who's bigger and better than myself, how can i live up to that? Everytime i sleep with her...i can't match up. Its humiliating and it's even more humiliating to air my thoughts to you all. These are very short sighted feelings i can see, but if i give this a go again...everytime it goes quiet in the room...or i lie there at night..i'll get images of him in my head.
> 
> Is the mantra true, once a cheat, always a cheat?


Bigger? Maybe. Better? No bloody way, mate! You are worth 20 of him! :smthumbup:

Maybe she got tired of the diet of constant steak (you!) and thought she'd try a burger from a street vendor? (Him!) And you know what happens when you try one of them? It's all lumps of gristle and sh**ting through the eye of a needle at 50 paces!

OK... this is a serious point:* The next time you think of the Other Man, I want you to picture him as a particularly nasty bout of diarrhoea.*

Then try not to give an evil cackle! (If you'll pardon the expression!)


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You are still in a state of shock.

You are 23 and have been with her for 7 years. It is all you have ever known, your only relationship.

You are afraid of the unknown, as you said. You are afraid of leaving the devil that you know for the devil that you don't know.

What you know is that she carried on an inappropriate relationship with this guy for months (maybe years?). She had sex with him at least once. She also had inappropriate texts with other guys.

Your view, backed up by your girlfriend's pleadings, is that this was "one mistake" in seven years.

The view from out here in cyberspace is that your girlfriend is pretty evil. First of all, she was communicating with this guy inappropriately, leading him on, for months. That is not "one mistake."

Second, she had inappropriate communications with another guy.

And you found out she had sex with the first guy.

What are the chances that you, without even investigating, have uncovered EVERYTHING? Trust me, there is a lot more that has gone on that you don't know about, you can count on it.

Has your girlfriend admitted to one single thing other than those things you already found out? This is a facetious question, I already know the answer.

Here is the truth, whether or not you ever find out or your girlfriend ever tells you about it - she "loves you but is not 'in love' with you." Ask her. She is "in love" with the ex-agent guy. If he would drop his wife/kids/life over your girlfriend, if he would only say the word, she would drop you in a heartbeat, kick you out if she could, move in with him immediately.

Another truth: She still is communicating with him right now. Probaby deleting all texts and messages.

Warlock posted before about a girl who makes believe she is something she is not to marry a rich guy. Your girlfriend is doing that to you. The way you think your girlfriend is - she is not really that way.

She has invested seven years. She really, really wants that big fancy wedding, to be the center of attention, to be princess for a day, it is every little girl's dream, and she always planned to marry a guy like you, at the age she is now. She is "in love" with the idea of getting married and having a big wedding. Is this not true?

Also, she is embarrassed at having to admit the truth to her family and her few friends that don't know - that her seven-year relationship with a great guy is being thrown away because she pulled her pants down for a guy who just wanted to used her. You think she wants that to come out? She might marry you just to prevent everyone from finding that out. Her good friends probably are in on it, helping her do it, covering for her.

The "just one mistake" line might work when you are married many years, or married with children. It should not happen, ever, BEFORE you are even engaged or before you are married. This is the time of your relationship where you should both be head over heals, excited about a prospect of your life together, where you wouldn't even think about cheating on each other.

If this is how she is now, it will only get worse. You caught her sexing with one guy and looking to sex with another. It is about 100% chance she has had sex with others. Single guys generally don't say "no" to a girl who asks. A good number of married guys don't say no to a girl who asks, either. And your girl has been asking.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I have few confidence issues trust me. I'm an attractive guy, i go to the gym almost obsessively 4 times a week. The other guy however is a semi pro athlete. I cant match upto that...physically. And it seems physicallity is all she wants, 'cos i gave her everything else.


Don't measure yourself by HER standards dude! Who the hell cares if he is a semi-pro whatever? If you are a professional good looking guy you probably have a line at the door. 

You know all those times where you see a hot chick pass by and went inside your mind "damn, if i was single i would be all over that" and you repressed it for respect of your relationship? Guess what, you've been given a green light if you want to take it. Don't hold yourself down just because she is damaged.

She can have her "wants", and she can have her semi-pro-whatever. Her problem now is that other women may have been wanting you. Some may even be happy not cheating on you! Imagine that!

OR 

You can cry in the corners and be left thinking yourself to be less than a man because her way is the only way... Reconcile and spend the next years in a miserable fashion trying to get over this.

Totally your choice!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She wanted a watch?


She didn't want any other men to see a ring on her finger. That might run a few guys off.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Now she's just following me round the house like a lost puppy.* She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship*. The choice is mine if I need space or time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously?

The relationship she willingly tossed away?

C'mon Anon, your'e a smart guy...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I have few confidence issues trust me. I'm an attractive guy, i go to the gym almost obsessively 4 times a week. The other guy however is a semi pro athlete. I cant match upto that...physically. *And it seems physicallity is all she wants*, 'cos i gave her everything else.


This is so far from the truth it's not even funny. She's looking to hook up with other guys besides Mr. Semi-Pro, too. Something insider her is broken or missing - it doesn't have that much to do with you.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I have few confidence issues trust me. I'm an attractive guy, i go to the gym almost obsessively 4 times a week. The other guy however is a semi pro athlete. I cant match upto that...physically.* And it seems physicallity is all she wants, 'cos i gave her everything else*.


That should tell you all you need to know


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change? 

I'm sure you all understand how many questions like these i have in my head! It feels like some wierd dream. A week ago i woulda married this girl, no questions asked.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

dude, you are seriously beating yourself up over her f*ck up. i know you're having feelings of inadequacy, but you need to "MAN UP" _now _more than ever. 

she blatantly disregarded your feelings and betrayed you at every point. there is no way in hell you could marry this girl now.....NO F*CKING WAY! you'd be a fool if you went ahead with the ceremony. she needs to do some soul searching and some heavy-lifting before you even entertain a serious commitment with this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change?
> 
> I'm sure you all understand how many questions like these i have in my head! It feels like some wierd dream. A week ago i woulda married this girl, no questions asked.


A mistake is handing you the salt when you asked for pepper.

This was a series of deliberate choices she made. She thought about each choice, and each subsequent one after.

This was intentional on her part, you have to understand this.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change?
> 
> I'm sure you all understand how many questions like these i have in my head! It feels like some wierd dream. A week ago i woulda married this girl, no questions asked.


Yes, they can. There was a poster here by the name of Tears who I think showed that she had made a mistake by having a ONS type incident and she told her husband out of guilt.

The last we heard it was looking like ending in divorce, sadly.

I think a call to the local Relate office might be of benefit to you both. Even if you decide to go your separate ways, it can still be of benefit in those situations.


----------



## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

ok dude... you have messages from her WISHING some OTHER other guy didnt have a girlfriend because they "could have had a fun night"...

KNOCK THIS **** OFF! Your GF is a SERIAL CHEATING LOSER! You can do better... ANYONE can do better... ANYONE is better than her! ALONE is better than her!

This wasnt a one-off mistake... this is just WHO she is. If you want to get your head even remotely straight you have to tell her to leave for a while.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> i cant bring myself to kick her out...i'm too decent a guy.


She cheated on you, deceived you, continues to lie to you about what really happened yet you can't kick her out because you're too decent a guy?

A few comments.

She's your worst enemy and you're being a sap by allowing this loser to continue to leech off of your generosity, and as a result you are your second worst enemy.

I'm thinking it's not just because you're a "decent guy", you're understandably crushed and you don't want to lose her yet it's easier to take the martyr approach. Sort of like the guy who says he doesn't want to divorce his cheating wife because it's not good for the children. 

I suggest you lose her. Give her 30 days notice and protect your valuables so she doesn't clean you out.

Beware she may have some rights since she's lived there a while.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Here is the proper attitude you should have tohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kJZGC7 orhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WqFFecSXwU


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> She cheated on you, deceived you, continues to lie to you about what really happened yet you can't kick her out because you're too decent a guy?
> 
> A few comments.
> 
> ...


Sharkeey
a slight correction

He is becoming his own worst enemy. He's setting himself up for future of pain.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Girl Gets Dumped On The Radio - YouTube


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Danny Dumps: Angie. Cheating girl dumped live on radio - YouTube


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Cheating is the BEST thing she did for you. It let you know exactly how she would've acted after marriage.

Please, PLEASE leave this relationship unless you want divorce later. The cliche that people don't change is one of the truest statements to ever exist. Very, very few do. In your case, it's not worth the gamble. It is when you have 2 kids and have been married for 15 years. I would not even think more than a second about leaving when you have nothing to tie you down. God has blessed you.

All the remorse she is showing now is worthless. This is the exact script they go through to make you try to stay. Browse this forum and you'll see. Mark my words, if you stay, she WILL cheat on you again.

You are very young, you will find someone else. And on top of that, you are being attractive and have a job - you shall be fine. 

People are on their best behavior, especially women, before marriage. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of cheating, resentment, and deceit after marriage.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change?
> 
> I'm sure you all understand how many questions like these i have in my head! It feels like some wierd dream. A week ago i woulda married this girl, no questions asked.


Why would you say one mistake when you already know of two. On top of that she would not even wear an engagement ring. Duh! 

You have the money, ask her to take a polygraph. You're folding like a cheap tent. If this wasn't so ridiculus it would be hilarious.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Those 2 links I put up should be the way you should be thinking. Ok if you really are taking her back atleast make her take a polygraph test then if she refuses that you better dump her.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

The 2x4s have arrived!
My job here is done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Sharkeey
> a slight correction
> 
> He is becoming his own worst enemy. He's setting himself up for future of pain.


I agree. As I said, right now he's his second worst enemy.

Soon he will be his own worst enemy and will always be his worst enemy as long as he lets other people crap all over him all in the name of "decency".


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change?
> 
> I'm sure you all understand how many questions like these i have in my head! It feels like some wierd dream. A week ago i woulda married this girl, no questions asked.


Are you shopping for a different opinion? She didn't even tell you the whole truth yet, and you already want to forgive her.

Is your identity as a person totally based on your relationship with her?

Besides following you around like a puppy and telling you it was just "one mistake in seven years," has she been doing anything else to help you get over it?

Has she ended all contact with Mr. Semi-Pro guy?

How about the other guy she told she'd like to jump his bones? Has she ended contact with him?

Has she told you whether or not her girlfriends were involved in helping her have the affair, or encouraged her to have it?

Has she offered to let you look at all her accounts and her phone whenever you want? If so, has she been deleting any texts or messages?

Your were too sick to go to work today, but she wasn't?

Why did she do it? Did she say why, if she is so in love with you, that she did this?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> She didn't want any other men to see a ring on her finger. That might run a few guys off.


What's the deal with the watch? Very unsual, isn't it?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

He's 23 and his world has been turned upside down but hopefully he digests what's been said here-sigh-can only hope.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Can people make one mistake, realise their error and change?


If they can? Sure, but how often does that happen? Been here for a while now. Seen probably some hundreds coming here with stories and from all that i remember probably 1 such case of genuine regret and unconditional willingness to make good. That would be a user called Tears. 

All the others are the alternative. 

And btw, this wasn't a "mistake". This was a series of choices. Bad ones at that!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

This was a planned, well thought out betrayal. The physical act (if it was only one time) happened after few personal encounters and some flirty texts. 

She is the one who threw 7 yrs onto the trash pile, not you.

On one side of the scale there was you, marriage, 7 years of history, a planned life together. On the other side was f#ck a semi pro athlete. Sorry but she did not choose you. Remember that.

If you did marry, you will always wonder if there is another semi-pro or Pro athlete around the corner that she just cannot resist.

I know you are hurt, but a betrayal of this magnitude, with no kids, and no property together, it is time to go.


----------



## Anon2 (Dec 18, 2012)

The engagement ring thing is a little different. I gave her a family ring that she currently wears, but she wanted to wear as an engagement ring should the day arise.

im not trying to get you to say what i want to hear, im trying to look at things from every possible angle before making life changing decisions.

She's offered (generous word i know) to do anything to make it better...thing is i have no idea what that is right now.

I believe she has ended contact with the guy she slept with. There has been no reply on the message to the otherguy in months so i can only assume he's not interested.

She says she wasn't thinking. Got caught up in the excitement of it all.

The deed was after a work xmas party, so i find it impossible that her friends didn't know.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> The engagement ring thing is a little different. I gave her a family ring that she currently wears, but she wanted to wear as an engagement ring should the day arise.
> 
> im not trying to get you to say what i want to hear, im trying to look at things from every possible angle before making life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


Ugh, take her for a polygraph then tell her it will help you heal.:banghead:


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> The engagement ring thing is a little different. I gave her a family ring that she currently wears, but she wanted to wear as an engagement ring should the day arise.
> 
> im not trying to get you to say what i want to hear, im trying to look at things from every possible angle before making life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


Then it won't take much in the future, will it, to make her stray?

ETA

You realize how weak that is don't you?

She wasn't even trying with that excuse. The truth is she wanted to eff another guy because she doesn't love you that much, if at all. You weren't supposed to find out. You can't believe a liar.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

eventually the decision to stay with her is yours. no one can tell you what to do. 

the thing is, it looks like you're caving because of your FOO issues. you don't want to end up in the same position you were as a kid. i get that, but you're young and have a bright future.....DON'T SETTLE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

First:
Listen to Tom Leykis. He will inject you with some much needed alpha, and self-esteem. And yes, he is a pig. But right now, you are so beta, you need someone that is 110% alpha, and he can tell you how. Figuratively speaking. You NEED him. 
Start listening on youtube. 
Leykis 101 - 2008-02-28. 2 full episodes - YouTube
And just start listening, and going, and going, and going. 


If you are worried that she will be the last girl to ever sleep with you, dude, THINK AGAIN!
You are young, successful, and quasi-romantic. You will get more ass than a toilet seat once you break up with her. Girls will see you have a future, are interested in having a family, and you are a loyal guy.
There are literally MILLIONS of girls out there, wanting a guy like that. And I am willing to bet that there are several thousand 2.0 versions of your girlfriend out there, looking for you. 
All you have to do, is start looking for them. 

Second:
Your girlfriend threw away 7 years down the drain because she wanted to. She choose to. 

Now, you have the choice of:
Telling her she can get away with her cheating by taking her back, and trying to reconcile a dead relationship. 
Or
Letting her know, you have options, you don't deserve this, and you can do better. 

Third:
You are 23. 
Way too young to get married. 
Don't get married until you are AT LEAST 25. 
The reasons:
You know what you want, you are more mature, more established in your job, know what you want in a mate/wife/mother, an all around versoin 2.0 of yourself. 

Finally:
Your girlfriend killed the 7 year relationship with a random guy that was hot. Why? Because she wanted to. 
Be glad you found out now and not 10 years down the line with a kid and questionable paternity. 

Why on Earth are you contemplating flushing the rest of your life down the drain with this person?! She may change, she may not. 
Do you want to stake your happiness, financial security, emotional well being, and mental well being on that? Because you lose all those and more if she proves you wrong.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She also did it thinkning you trusted her unconditionally and you were too stupid to catch her.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I read your first post. You sound like a nice guy who lacks self confidence. Women sense lack of confidence and will sometimes get it elsewhere. This sounds exactly like me 20 plus years ago and the last thing on earth you want to be is like me 20 plus years ago. I got better but for me it took a long time. There was no Internet for me. I did it a little bit at a time when getting better at the dating game should have been my highest priority.
The point is you got played by a player. He gave off alpha qualities and confidence and she went for it. She means nothing to him except a semen dumpster. You need to get SOME alpha qualities to make it harder next time. YOU ARE A CATCH, employed etc but need to up your alpha qualities. THIS should be a very high priority. Go to sites like sosuave and get ideas. Not all are great but as you get better your confidence will rise as a result.
You are hurt. I get it. Do yourself a favor: read all the posts here where some guy here got cheated on early in the relationship then forgives then 10 years later he finds out she had another affair except now he is married with 2 kids. Run don't walk away. If you go back to her is a very high percent chance you will wish to God that you had a time machine to get back in time for a do-over.
Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you deserve better. You will make some woman a great husband. FIRST priority after you heal a bit is up your alpha qualities. You are starting over at 23. God was looking out for you. Try starting over at 43.
GO AFTER THIS GUY. He is using his professional access combined with being a player to do other men's women. Go after him in license or whatever BUT DO IT!!!!! If you don't he will mess more people's lives up. YOUR Christmas should have been one of the best memories ever and because of him it will be one of the worst. Channel your sadness to anger AND GET HIM!
I see scary similarities to me at 23 years old. That is a bad thing. DON'T BE ME!!!


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> The engagement ring thing is a little different. I gave her a family ring that she currently wears, but she wanted to wear as an engagement ring should the day arise.
> 
> im not trying to get you to say what i want to hear, im trying to look at things from every possible angle before making life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


You think she said that because she has a heart of gold and remorse and she'll do anything to make it better?

Don't think you're special.

That's what every single cheater says.

Trust me, I've been through it. My only regret is giving her that second chance and I hope you don't get that same regret.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Anon - you're getting bombarded here because you are young and people really, really want to help you not do something that will affect you badly for many years.

When you get married, you should go into it with your whole heart.

You should not do it in spite of yourself.

It's hard to believe now, but the OM is not a better man than you. He may be athletic, but he's a POS who sneaks around with other men's women. You sound like you're a catch, plus you take the high road. Don't underestimate yourself.

Take some time. Don't jump into forgive and forget.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> The engagement ring thing is a little different. I gave her a family ring that she currently wears, but she wanted to wear as an engagement ring should the day arise.
> 
> im not trying to get you to say what i want to hear, im trying to look at things from every possible angle before making life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


She was thinking and had been thinking of him for a while and more than likely still is. He has a GF and your GF has no where to go at this time.

More than likely her GF's helped her do this by the way.

You have to be strong and be sure what you want. You have to get control.

1) Ask for the family ring back. Tell her it is meant to be given to your future wife. You want to be sure it remains in the family.

2) Tell her she has 60 days to find some where to live. That gives you both time to work it out.

3)Expose to everyone what happened. Make sure OM's gf finds out. Complain to where he works. Make him back off. Give him other problems to deal with. Make him regret he banged her.

Make a list of what you need for R. Tell her if she wants the relationship that she has 60 days to convince you. In that time she needs to find somewhere in case you do not R.

On that list must be the friends must go. She must write a NC letter to OM. She must also inform family and friends.

These are just a start. It can be fixed but it is unlikely. You need to focus on you. Find something to do. Do the 180 on her. It is her job to win you back,


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

People change a lot during 18-26 years phase. Yours is a high school relationship. A lot of cheating happens in relationship during this phase because people are not mature enough to break up the right way. She wants to break up with you and did not go about it the right way. She wanted to see what else is out there and she though she could do it while keeping you as a backup option. This guy she cheated with, he never considered your gf as a potential mate and it was just a f*ck buddy relationship. If this guy was to take her as a full time gf, you wouldn't have had this dilemma today. It would rather be a 'My gf cheated and left me for a real estate guy". it was her that invited him to her room. imagine what would have happened if you never snooped.

And don't think her love for you is the only motivating factor for her to get back with you. The shame of being exposed as a cheater is also one.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> Now she's just following me round the house like a lost puppy. She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship. The choice is mine if I need space or time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is she trying to argue back into the relationship ? :scratchhead:


----------



## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

As sad as it may be, we have all been in your shoes. I gave my girlfriend a second chance. I look back on that as a huge mistake. You see, even after 5 years every time I kiss her, I think I smell sperm on her breath. It is something I think about all the time. There are so many triggers I can't count them all. I cannot get it out of my head even when I saw a therapist. I know it is very hard to give someone up, but it may be a good thing for you to find out now. I cannot believe you found out on face book. She was flaunting it in front of you, and the entire world. WHY DID SHE DO THAT!!!!!! I think that is the most important thing for you to find out. She does not love you; I think she does not really know what love is. Even if you break up, she needs help. Help to know what she is doing to other people. I know I know she had a bad childhood, or daddy problems etc.... You need to really look at your next girl, and make sure that she has a very good relationship with her father.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, report him to both the estate agents association, and to any manager boss her has. Also if you have something like YELP in the UK, go on there and post what he did in a review about him there. 


It's called exposure, and this guy is a slime ball - so expose the truth of what he did.

NExt, take back any and all gifts you got for her and get the cash back for you.

Now, dump her. What she did is to make a conscious choice to cheat. It wasn't a mistake it was a choice. Perhaps she was so awful that the guy did it a few times and dumped her for being lousy in bed.

Either way, she willingly chose to have sex with at least one other man, at least once. More likley more than once from the wording of the note. Either way if she loved you, this would not have been possible. People do not cheat on people they love. 

She also does not respect you. Peope don't cheat on people they respect.

And finally, the only reason she's following you around is that she doesn't want you to tell her parents and friends why you are dumping her - because she's a cheater. It's not out of her wanting you or the marriage - if she wanted those things she would have chosen not to have sex with other men.

Dump this one and upgrade. There are so many better women out there. This one showed her true colors when she chose to betray you and cheat. Now she continues to betray you by lying to you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and I don't know of a single instance where someone forgave their fiancee for cheating where it worked out in the end. Not a single case. instead what you find is that years later people who did give them a second chance universally are kicking themselves asking why they were so stupid.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Anon2 said:


> She says if she didn't care about me she wouldn't be trying to save the relationship._Posted via Mobile Device_


I can never understand someone saying this.Shouldn't the truth be if they really cared about you they would never cause your relationship to be in this situation in the first place?!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Well Anon I was in your shoes over 25 years ago.

Except my Fiance was doing 5 of my best buds while I was in the military academy. My girl and I were together over 5 years.

I was crushed. I lost my mind for a time.

But I did 2 things that helped me get my act together.

I dumped her butt. And have never spoken to her since that day.

I beat the crap out all 5 of my friends. And once their parents found out why they never said a word to me or my parents.

I was young and dumb then.

I do not condone violence so you really only have one choice. You need to make her leave. Take your ring back, return the watch and go find your self esteem. 

Your girl is damaged. And if you keep her you will be marrying a damaged person that you will not trust.

Now what kind of marriage will that be.

You know what else? She will think you are a pushover if you kee keep her and will have no respect for you.

She will just go find another guy and do it to you all over again.

She needs to grow up. And so do you!

So dump her. Make her leave. And go get your self esteem back where it belongs.

And Mr. Semi Pro just used her. He is a walking STD. And that just shows how dumb your girl really is.

So my man, do you want to live a life of misery and mind movies?

Or do you want to get your respect back, be a wolf on the prowl and go find a nice girl that has high self esteem and loves only you???

What is it gonna be?

HM64


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

Hey someone was right when said this guy is too raw..She just used you man..She knew what type of caliber you are & she used that really well enough to sleep with another Man.If i was you, I would ask her to buger off..


----------



## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Anon2 said:


> I have few confidence issues trust me. I'm an attractive guy, i go to the gym almost obsessively 4 times a week. The other guy however is a semi pro athlete. I cant match upto that...physically. And it seems physicallity is all she wants, 'cos i gave her everything else.


So to her you are a beta provider. A walking ATM machine basically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm sure she would even laugh at you if you took her back after all she did. She's insulting your intelligence if she thinks you can buy her crocodile tears. 

You are way too young to take such a low person back into your life. Even if you were running out of your years you shouldn't be thinking about settling with her. 

Just consider yourself lucky and move on.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Hey someone was right when said this guy is too raw..She just used you man..She knew what type of caliber you are & she used that really well enough to sleep with another Man.If i was you, I would ask her to buger off..


This is the underlying thing. When a woman with this type of moral thinks she can get away with this or there is a chance to get forgiven and she knows it... You're screwed. She will risk it. 

Any guy/woman who doesn't give out the idea that infidelity is "game over" makes it easier to get cheated on.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Anon. It is your duty to expose this guy. Let me put this in perspective. This guy is a player and by your description a very darn good one. I lived with a player in college (his hook was "bad boy" complete with leather jacket, motorcycle etc) A major player has ZERO problem going to a bar, finding a random UNattached female, and taking her home and doing the horizontal mambo. Instead of this he went for YOUR ATTACHED female. He could have had a pick of any number of UNattached females AND HE CHOSE YOURS!!!!!!!! 
This is called evil. Real men destroy evil. Since a physical assault is likely a kamikaze run and or jail time, you need to expose him. This will affect his pocketbook which by the way affects his ability to do it more times and trust me YOUR WOMAN was not the first. Expose him at his agency. Ask them how they feel about one of their agents boning clients' significant others.
Expose him to whatever the UK board of realtors is. Expose him on Yahoo. Get your gf's facebook and take screenshots of the evidence and get more evidence. Post it. Link to a photobucket or other account. Keep other copies.
Expose him like this on Yahoo or whatever are the best five sites in the UK:
WARNING: This man is a good looking sport hero who hits on and preys on other mens' significant others. Here is proof of his hookup with MY now-EX girlfriend. This took place on Saturday December 16 2012 and into Sunday morning at the XYZ hotel in whatevertown whatevershire UK, WHILE I WAS WORKING OVERTIME to buy her engagement present. -screenshot and evidence photobucket link-
Play her a bit, after all she played you. Demand access to everything (comp, phone etc) and make copies. Then leave her.
You just might be responsible for saving multiple peoples relationships. You will never know who they are but that is OK. That is a TON OF GOOD KARMA for you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW her comment on you being wiling to throw away 7 years....

The answer to that is that you aren't the one who threw it away. She was the one who chose to do it. 

You're just the one who's leaving her because she chose to throw 7 years and the future together away.

See, it was the gone the minute she chose to have sex with him.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Eventually you are going to need to ask yourself why you were attracted to someone who is capable of doing this to you and that way have a shot at protecting yourself from this in the future.

She is damaged, and so are you. If you want to have a functional relationship with anyone you're going to need to work on yourself, a lot. 

Right now you are clinging onto a dream, an illusion, a fantasy of who you thought she was 7 years ago. You probably both thought "Well, he/she's screwed up, but so am I, we'll do great together". Guess what, you aren't that screwed up. You have a severe self esteem problem and you need to understand that not only is this not your fault, but also that you deserve much better than this. 

She will probably never understand the damage she has done to you, as much as you will want her to. She is simply not that high quality of a person. She needs a lot of work, just like you do.

She is not the crux of your existence, even though now that you feel your entire world crumbling around you it seems like she is. 

You are no good for anybody if you think you deserve this. You did not do this, this is not your fault. 

You can do better.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Anon2, I have seen to many BH post where they had a girl friend that cheated before they married them only to have them cheat on them after they married.

Odds are this GF has cheated more then once already. You are best to dump her.

If you insist on staying with her then insist she has a polygraph test to get the whole truth out of her. Her refusal to take the test will confirm she has only told you what you could prove. Though told you none of what you don't know.


----------

