# Wife wants to separate after 13 years...



## Amphib13 (Aug 18, 2010)

I am trying to understand if a marriage can be saved after 13 years. I have been with the same women for almost 17 years. We used to do things together, talk and enjoy each others company. Of course not every second was perfect but I would say a healthy, happy marriage at first. 

A few years ago I came home from Iraq with a busted up back and had to go through a couple of surgeries along with rehab. We only had one child when I got back and in between the surgeries we managed to have another child. Since she became pregnant with our second child we have not had ANY physical relations. She pretty much stopped talking to me about the same time, I mean real communication. 

I finally got some answers yesterday when she told me that she cannot talk to me. She says that I do not listen, I am always right; all I do is put her down so it's not worth trying. She also said that she does not feel anything for me. She has lost herself and feels numb. I am trying to understand what else I can/could do? 

I have routinely asked for her thoughts and feelings. While I was away, I wrote several intimate letters and would get the equivalent of a head nod in return. I have always told her that I love her and that she is beautiful. I have told her how talented that she is, she has a great singing voice. I cannot think of all the ways that I have tried to show my love and appreciation. 

Last month I made the mistake of mixing pain medication and alcohol which led to a terrible outburst where I screamed at my wife in front of our children. I said some terrible things; I voiced my frustrations with our marriage in a completely inappropriate way while I was extremely angry. I blacked out so I cannot remember what I said or did. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to my kids and my wife if she will let me. 

The concern I have is that all she seems to focus on is the few bad things sad during a fight. We have had a handful of fights over the years versus the thousands of times that I have told her that I love her. I am certainly not perfect but I am not the only one that has said mean things during a fight. 

Is it too much to ask for your spouse to fight for your marriage?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Amphib13 said:


> I am trying to understand if a marriage can be saved after 13 years. I have been with the same women for almost 17 years. We used to do things together, talk and enjoy each others company. Of course not every second was perfect but I would say a healthy, happy marriage at first.
> 
> Is it too much to ask for your spouse to fight for your marriage?


Yes - it can probably be saved if you guys have been together this long.

If what you've described is accurate in terms of your outburst - that it was a one time deal - all you can do is apologize to your wife and kids, promise it won't happen again, and keep that promise. It sounds like you had a bad "moment" - much different than being a bad person.

See if your wife would be open to marriage counseling. I go back and forth about how much it helps, but I think in this case having someone to help the two of you sort through this would be a good idea.

Good luck.


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