# What do you say to a young boy who misses his Dad



## Subi

Hi all. I just thought I would post here about this. This morning my son said to me, Mommy I really miss daddy now and I would like him to come back. Problem is his father is a very nasty nasty man. We have been separated for the second time now almost a year. I am so done with him. My son has had to go through counselling among other coping strategies. The last thing I want is for him having contact with his father. It will only be ok for when he is much older. My son suffered a lot of psychological issues from the sustained physical, verbal, emotional abuse from his father.

Problem is that my son has pretty much forgotten all that now and all he remembers is someone who bought him lots of toys. He is completely re-writing history.

I have briefly told him again why it happened. I realise that what he really misses is a father figure in his life. I do not have anyone at the moment to play that role but am hoping soon that the situation will change and he will have more role models in his life. Real positive role models. Not someone that is so wrong on all levels like his father.

I intend to have a small conversation with him again on this later on. I am wondering will he ever come around to truly understanding that his father was not a good person at all?

Thank you in advance for all your responses and support.


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## angelpixie

How old is your son? Eventually, he will come to understand as he gets older. Especially if there are other people in your life (like extended family or friends) who saw it, too.


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## Subi

angelpixie said:


> How old is your son? Eventually, he will come to understand as he gets older. Especially if there are other people in your life (like extended family or friends) who saw it, too.


my son is eight. Yeah am hoping for that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

That's rough. A boy needs his father but if the father is abusive and cruel then it's worse than not having him. 

Counseling is a great idea. Is there a grandfather or uncle that could spend some time with your son? Maybe a friend? 

If not, perhaps you could look into Big Brothers/Big Sisters? You can google this and find an organization in your area. 

Good luck. I know how you feel because my own son has gone though a hard time with his alcoholic father over the past few years. My ex has sobered up (for now) and does see our son on a regular basis and one reason I kept our divorce "friendly" was to enable this for our son.


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## Stretch

Dial the number and hand your son the phone. The X can explain with more lies why he does not live there anymore. Kids will see right through the bull.


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## BetrayedNoMore

Invite the father to counseling. If he shows up, he might see his own faults. That way there is a third party there to see what is going on.


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## mablenc

Good idea on the counseling, they can tell you how to adress it correctly. For now just say "I'm sorry you miss him, or I know you miss him, but for now its you and me how about we play in your room."

I think it's important that he feels heard and that you don't feed him with hope. Later in life he will appricate your hard effor and honestly. He's lucky to have a caring mom who will help him navigate this difficult time.
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## mablenc

There are also children's books the you can read together, a great one is the family book by Todd Parr, it talkes about the different types of families and how much love they all have to offer.
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## EnjoliWoman

The counseling is a very good idea. 

I did that with my ex. I left when she was four. She only sees him as the super cool Dad who does fun stuff on the weekend and I'm the 'bad guy' who left her father and ruined the family. She does not remember him ever hitting, spitting, yelling or berating me - I tried to shelter her from most of that. But any counselor worth his/her salt will tell you a child's natural inclination is to love both parents regardless of the abuse.

I suggest you involve a counselor and only allow supervised visitation. Be truthful to your son without belittling his father - remember in your son's eyes he is half his father and half you. If you hate the father, the son will internalize this and think you hate half of him.

It's a tricky balancing act. I don't think he should be verbally/emotionally abused by his father but later in life with little reference to the bad times, your son may begin to believe Dad that you are the evil one trying to drive a wedge. 

Sorry you are dealing with this.


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## brokenbythis

God help me my son asks this too. My STBXH was not physically abusive to me but he was verbally and emotionally abusive. 

The worst is yet to come for my sweet little boy. He's special needs and doesn't cope well emotionally. He already thinks daddy left because he (my son) is "broken".. he knows he has special needs although I assure him constantly he is just how mommy and daddy wanted.

Very soon.. we have to tell him Daddy has a new baby on the way (with OW). I can't even imagine how he he going to take this. I worry he will think daddy made a new perfect baby and left him. I hate my ex for this.

And we're not even divorced yet, filed a month ago.


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## zillard

First - validate his feelings. He needs to know that his feelings are important and ok to have. 

Second - do not speak ill of his father or remind him of the abuse. He needs to trust and feel secure being open with you. In his own time. If he comes to you missing his dad and you remind him of past pain, he'll likely start seeing conversations with you as painful. 

Third - Reassure him that you are there for him and it's ok to talk to you about anything... if he wants to.


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## Dustball

You are supposed to always speak the truth, but only answer whatever he is asking, never go into details he's not even considering.

You should really take him to counseling. If not there is a huge chance he will idealize his father and only learn the truth in a very painful way. Yes, you should never speak ill of his father, but concealing the truth is never good, so handle it very delicately.


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