# I don't know how you do it.



## HeavySigh (Jan 20, 2014)

You guys are so much stronger than me. I have seen betrayed spouses in unimaginably difficult situations that are putting so much wisdom on here. I have read and listened to so much knowledge that seems so powerful and practical. But I just can’t do it. I don’t know how you guys do it. I loved this woman. I spent a relatively short 4 years of my life dedicated to trying to be the best husband that I could to her. Yeah I wasn’t perfect. If I listen to her now I was **** from the get-go. But there are so many memories, so many smiles, and so much echoing laughter that I know better. I was told that I dint make her happy. That she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I found a trail of web history that linked to Craig’s list sex ads and web shuffle chat rooms that were explained as being for school. But I still wanted to make it work. Now she is leaving. After months of telling me she didn’t know if she wanted to be married to me. That she was emotionally cut off, that she just didn’t feel she could confide in me. I tried so hard to make her happy. To be the man that I know she wanted me to be and that I know she dreamt of when she said her vows on what she had told me multiple times was the best day of her life. Now she claims it was a disaster from the start, and even before that. I don’t know whats true and whats a lie. I don’t know if I am remembering a shadow of a relationship that never truly existed, if my stbxw has found another man to center her attention and love to, or if I am just the only one who is facing the truth in this. All I know is that I am lonely. That my wife is apparently fine and has moved on. That I spent months on pins and needles waiting for her to tell me she wanted us to work as bad as I did and as much as she claimed she did before whatever change in her set in. I want to know that she is hurting too. That there is a part of her if not all of her that feels the sting of losing our friendship and our marriage. I want to know that she was torn to make the decision and that she had lost hope and not just lost love. I want to know that I was good enough for her, and that I was hard to let go. I feel thrown out. I feel rejected. I feel like no one will want me because I was so easily cast aside. I am so….broken


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're allowed to wallow in self pity for a little while, but sooner or later (hopefully sooner) you need to pull up your socks and get over it.

If it makes you feel any better, it's pretty much guaranteed that she WAS cheating on you.

Know that it was NOT you. It was her. Know that you are better off without her. I know that sounds trite, but it's also truth.

Get yourself out and about doing things you enjoy. Exercise. Splurge on something for yourself that you've always wanted. Be kind to yourself. Connect with friends and determine to enjoy yourself even if you don't want to.

The key to being happy in a relationship is that your happiness comes from yourself and is NOT dependent on someone else. You need to set out to become happy because of YOU. Only then should you go looking for someone to share your life with again.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

That's quite the pedestal you had her on....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HeavySigh said:


> You guys are so much stronger than me. I have seen betrayed spouses in unimaginably difficult situations that are putting so much wisdom on here. I have read and listened to so much knowledge that seems so powerful and practical. But I just can’t do it. I don’t know how you guys do it. I loved this woman. I spent a relatively short 4 years of my life dedicated to trying to be the best husband that I could to her. Yeah I wasn’t perfect. If I listen to her now I was **** from the get-go. But there are so many memories, so many smiles, and so much echoing laughter that I know better. I was told that I dint make her happy. That she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I found a trail of web history that linked to Craig’s list sex ads and web shuffle chat rooms that were explained as being for school. But I still wanted to make it work. Now she is leaving. After months of telling me she didn’t know if she wanted to be married to me. That she was emotionally cut off, that she just didn’t feel she could confide in me. I tried so hard to make her happy. To be the man that I know she wanted me to be and that I know she dreamt of when she said her vows on what she had told me multiple times was the best day of her life. Now she claims it was a disaster from the start, and even before that. I don’t know whats true and whats a lie. I don’t know if I am remembering a shadow of a relationship that never truly existed, if my stbxw has found another man to center her attention and love to, or if I am just the only one who is facing the truth in this. All I know is that I am lonely. That my wife is apparently fine and has moved on. That I spent months on pins and needles waiting for her to tell me she wanted us to work as bad as I did and as much as she claimed she did before whatever change in her set in. I want to know that she is hurting too. That there is a part of her if not all of her that feels the sting of losing our friendship and our marriage. I want to know that she was torn to make the decision and that she had lost hope and not just lost love. I want to know that I was good enough for her, and that I was hard to let go. I feel thrown out. I feel rejected. I feel like no one will want me because I was so easily cast aside. I am so….broken


What was her childhood like?

How about yours?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

HeavySigh said:


> You guys are so much stronger than me. I have seen betrayed spouses in unimaginably difficult situations that are putting so much wisdom on here. I have read and listened to so much knowledge that seems so powerful and practical. But I just can’t do it. I don’t know how you guys do it. I loved this woman. I spent a relatively short 4 years of my life dedicated to trying to be the best husband that I could to her. Yeah I wasn’t perfect. If I listen to her now I was **** from the get-go. But there are so many memories, so many smiles, and so much echoing laughter that I know better. I was told that I dint make her happy. That she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I found a trail of web history that linked to Craig’s list sex ads and web shuffle chat rooms that were explained as being for school. But I still wanted to make it work. Now she is leaving. After months of telling me she didn’t know if she wanted to be married to me. That she was emotionally cut off, that she just didn’t feel she could confide in me. I tried so hard to make her happy. To be the man that I know she wanted me to be and that I know she dreamt of when she said her vows on what she had told me multiple times was the best day of her life. Now she claims it was a disaster from the start, and even before that. I don’t know whats true and whats a lie. I don’t know if I am remembering a shadow of a relationship that never truly existed, if my stbxw has found another man to center her attention and love to, or if I am just the only one who is facing the truth in this. All I know is that I am lonely. That my wife is apparently fine and has moved on. That I spent months on pins and needles waiting for her to tell me she wanted us to work as bad as I did and as much as she claimed she did before whatever change in her set in. I want to know that she is hurting too. That there is a part of her if not all of her that feels the sting of losing our friendship and our marriage. I want to know that she was torn to make the decision and that she had lost hope and not just lost love. I want to know that I was good enough for her, and that I was hard to let go. I feel thrown out. I feel rejected. I feel like no one will want me because I was so easily cast aside. I am so….broken



Don't worry youre not alone in this....just take one day at time.
Time heals all wound.
someday you will understand why things has to happen.
Take care.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> That's quite the pedestal you had her on....


Always the beginning of the end when they are placed there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Always the beginning of the end when they are placed there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, people who put women on pedestals rarely knock them off,


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Heavysigh, I'm not going to pretend that it is easy to get over a broken marriage. It's nearly been a year since my stbxh ended our relationship and marriage and I still have days where I feel so low and wish it could all be fixed. My situation is a bit similar in that my stbxh started being very distant etc then dropped the bombshell of I don't love you anymore and I didn't want to get married and all that rubbish. 

It is so painful especially when you have placed them up so high in the sky and would still do anything for them. For months I was convinced that he would come back because he kept giving me hope. Then he strung me along for two months and then basically has run off and cut all contact with me. When I look back on it I wish I didn't give him the time of day, we had been separated five months when he contacted me and started pulling me back in again.

During the time we were apart I had started to build up my confidence again, I had started a new job I was going out and meeting new people. But now I feel like I have taken a few steps back and feel like I am starting over again. I definitely learnt the hard way, so I know how you are feeling. It's is so difficult but trust me you can do it, I noticed that even though you still are in live with them being clingy and trying to hold on doesn't help at all.

I know it's a saying but if you love something let it go and if it belongs to you it will come back. I had to accept that my stbxh chose to go himself and I cannot control his actions. The only thing you can control is yourself and don't let yourself fall down. 

I cried so much the first dew days then something inside me snapped, and I just said screw this I need to live, there is still a life for me. I'm not going to promise that you will feel better overnight but take it easy, you can cry and feel pain but as long as you know that you can stand up strong and take control of your actions. 

Don't give up, I remind myself everyday that I am worth so much more than my stbxh will ever be. It might not look like it now but take it easy, one step at a time and you will get there. 

And everyone on TAM will always help, they're brilliant and know I can always get good help or advice from everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand you are hurting.
But there were so many lies. There were lies she told you, and lies you told yourself. You wanted to believe her, desperately.
Now what do you believe?


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

Your pain is gushing off the page. We may look like words on a screen, but I assure you that behind these words are very real people who have been through, or are going through the same thing you are. I'm one of them. It's a long rollercoaster and it's a slow climb to the top of the first hill. 

I don't know that the people here think of themselves as strong. Maybe a few, but most have just realized that they have no control over anyone but themselves. I'm too new to feel comfortable offering any advice other than to keep posting here. I may not respond because I'm still learning, but I will be reading your thread. Consider the advice you get. Sometimes it won't be what you want to hear, but it might be what you need to hear.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

You may feel down, but guess what, you've hit rock bottom, things can only go up from here. Build yourself back up to the man you were meant to be. And when you're ready, you will find someone more deserving of your love.

Self affirmations help greatly. Try repeating to yourself " I do not have to care about W anymore" and "There are plenty of other women out there for me" on a daily basis.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

evolver said:


> I don't know that the people here think of themselves as strong. Maybe a few, but most have just realized that they have no control over anyone but themselves.


This is the very definition of strength.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I don't have the answers. I loved my wife and she left me. She continues to battle like a war axe - but I'm learning, trying, getting up. Going to sleep is a struggle. Making it through work. Tolerating trying to punish me - even with the kids.

I try to imagine myself with a woman that loves me, treats my kids well, makes me want to see her. And I know I have to use this time wisely so I'm a better man for myself and my kids - not for the ex, not to get her back, not to get anything or anywhere from her. 

We can barely control or even attempt to our spouse. How can we control or make an ex love us. I'm trying to keep that in my head at all times.

Listen to your friends, they are probably telling you the opposite of what she does - who gains in this situation? Her or your friends?


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Are you sure you aren't married to my STBXH? Good gawd.

Come to TAM often. It really helps. If you feel alone, lonely, confused, or need to vent - come to TAM.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LBHmidwest said:


> I don't have the answers. I loved my wife and she left me. She continues to battle like a war axe - but I'm learning, trying, getting up. Going to sleep is a struggle. Making it through work. Tolerating trying to punish me - even with the kids.
> 
> I try to imagine myself with a woman that loves me, treats my kids well, makes me want to see her. And I know I have to use this time wisely so I'm a better man for myself and my kids - not for the ex, not to get her back, not to get anything or anywhere from her.
> 
> ...


Treat yourself well first.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

You remind me of myself back in August 2013. 

I noticed you didn't mention that you have children together, if that is indeed the case, take comfort in that. I can only imagine how much more painful my own case would have been had there been little ones involved.

Here's how it went for me in stages:

1. Shock - Intense grief, insomnia, unable to eat, unable to concentrate on anything. Constantly plotting ways to "win" her back.

2. Denial - I kept telling myself "Just give her time, she'll come back. You know she will, she loves you."

3. Acceptance - "Ok, so she's not coming back, wtf do I do now?" (Things get better after acceptance.)

4. Anger - "How can she do this to me, what a lowlife she is". I used my anger to fuel my determination to become a better man, for myself and nobody else. 

5. Inner peace - I learned to be happy alone, I learned to be authentic at all times, to say what I mean and mean what I say, regardless of the opinions of others.

So, back to these stages, I imagine most people go through similar a similar process, but this is how it all happened for me.

1. Shock - This is perfectly normal, feel the pain and work through it. When you come out of the other side look back and think "If I can endure that, I can do anything". For me, I realised that I can't "win" her back, she's not a prize to be won, and I can't control her thoughts, or feelings, and any attempt made to win her back would be a form of manipulation on my part. This led in to stage 2.

2. Denial - Ok, so I can't win her back, but that's ok because she loves me and she'll come back on her own anyway. This is when I started trying to go No Contact, failing miserably on several attempts, I was still too emotional. I wanted to stay connected to her, but also give her space to miss me. After a while of this, I shifted to anger.

3. Anger - Again, a normal part of the process. I was angry at her treatment of me, angry at all of the lies and pain she'd caused. I considered her selfish for putting me through this, but most of all, I was angry at myself. Initially I felt like a failure, like it was all my fault and I'd never be happy again and that made me furious. I was angry for the way I had allowed her to walk all over me, the way I had surrended my very manhood to her. I was angry at myself for having no self-respect. 

I want you to do something, imagine yourself at 50,000 feet, completely disconnected from the situation, looking down on yourself. Try to observe and discard any emotion. It may help to imagine a friend in the exact same situation as you - what would you tell them? I'd bet you'd want to look out for your friend right? Well, YOU are your own best friend, and you always will be, so the logical conclusion, is you should look out for yourself. 

During this stage, that's when I started going out, flirting with women etc, I joined the gym to improve myself physically. Arranged some counselling to improve myself mentally. Read self-help books and so on. I hung out with my buddies a lot too, and this is where I realised that people do actually love me and care about me, and that they are worthy of having that returned. My STBXW was not. I also realised that life wasn't too bad, sure it's nice to have a wife/significant other, but you can still have fun, and lead a happy and fulfilling life alone. I actually started to become happier, more confident, and more open about my feelings with my friends and family. I was not afraid to just be myself, and if people didn't like that? Their problem, not mine. This led to acceptance.

4. Acceptance - "So, this is my life now, and it's actually not too bad, pretty good I'd say even". At this point, I carried on behaving the way I did during the anger phase, but without the anger. I became indifferent towards my STBXW, I started living day by day, rather than in the past, or focusing on the future. I learned to let go of that which we can't control in life. So I started making more of my life, I started working towards my goals and my aspirations for myself, because people come and go in life, but you always have yourself. Therefore, it makes perfect sense to make the most of yourself.

I learned to "be still" - to stop trying, stop plotting & scheming, stop stressing, and just let the chips fall where they may. You control YOU, everything & everyone else, is out of your hands.

5. Inner peace - I no longer really think about my STBXW, and when I do it's briefly. I no longer have the desire to speak to her, or do anything involving her. Why waste the energy? I'm happy with who I am. This is also when I felt comfortable to start dating again.

I know you have the strength in you to get through this, we all did, but I'd bet that none of us knew that back at the start.

A quote I once read that has stuck with me, I'm not sure who said it but:

"We don't know how strong we truly are, until we have no choice but to be."

When it's all over, look back and be proud of what you have become, the man that is superior in every way to the man your wife left.

I can honestly say now, I'm so happy to have gone through this process. I feel like I am becoming the man I was always destined to be, and it feels great. 

I hope things improve for you soon, and do your best to take good care of your health. I know it's difficult but try to eat well, try to sleep, and get some exercise. Believe me, it's much more difficult to bear if you're tired & hungry. The exercise will help you with your confidence. 

It may not seem like it right now, but you've been given an opportunity to make the best of yourself - don't let it pass you by.

I'll leave you with a few reading suggestions. I won't lie, the first time you read them, they will go against your every instinct. But, read them, give it a few days, and read them again.

The 180

A book called No More Mr. Nice Guy - it may not apply to you, it's difficult to tell from what you've posted, but it's most definitely worth a read anyway. I'm suggesting this based upon the "pedestal syndrome" you seem to exhibit.

A book called Codependent No More - again, as above.


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