# Wife TOO emotional



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

Whenever a difficult subject comes up (usually about something we disagree about) if i try discussing it with my wife her emotions instantly take over, she begins crying uncontrollably, can no longer hear any rational explanations, and ultimately our conversation is over/never resolved. I remember during a time when we were dating, we had a disagreement on the train, and as soon as the train arrived at the platform, she took off running. I couldn't find her at all, and after an hour of searching i went home (she eventually returned home). She routinely has emotional outbursts such as this, and i have no idea how to reason with her/communicate with her about a difficult subject, and get her to remain calm. Any suggestions? What am i doing wrong here? I never attack her personally, i always speak slowly and calmly, and in a non-attacking way. It's just the subject itself, which makes her get emotional and can no longer talk. Any advice would be appreciated.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you tried NOT speaking and discussing things? Instead, let her talk herself out. Ask tons of questions. Ask her how she'd solve the problem between what she wants and what you want, and then keep on it with open ended questions like, "And if we did that, what would happen with...?"

Avoid blame. Avoid telling her she's wrong or saying anything that implies that she is. Avoid criticism. 

If she can't get to the place where she's ready to hear you, then do what you're going to do with full awareness that sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.


----------



## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Have you considered that perhaps she may have some or all traits of BPD? Just from what you've shared it sounds like she may indeed have some of these traits. I know it's easy to just say, "oh it's BPD" but the inappropriate emotional outbursts is certainly a hallmark of BPD.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Have you tried NOT speaking and discussing things? Instead, let her talk herself out. Ask tons of questions. Ask her how she'd solve the problem between what she wants and what you want, and then keep on it with open ended questions like, "And if we did that, what would happen with...?"
> 
> Avoid blame. Avoid telling her she's wrong or saying anything that implies that she is. Avoid criticism.
> 
> If she can't get to the place where she's ready to hear you, then do what you're going to do with full awareness that sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.


It's her preference not to talk about difficult subjects altogether. She never brings them up. I am usually the one to initiate because i see that we have a problem and want to join forces to figure it out. If we have problems in our sex life, or financially, i would prefer discussing it together, like two adults, and figuring out a reasonable solution, but if she got her way we wouldn't talk about any of these things. Actually, i do ask her tons of questions and she always says "I don't know," or "i don't have any solution." 

I definitely try to avoid blaming, even though i guess i do it sometimes anyway, but i'm usually pretty conscious of not laying blame at her feet. I typically just want a solution and not to lay blame anywhere. I hate playing the blame game because it doesn't solve anything.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

WhatASituation said:


> Have you considered that perhaps she may have some or all traits of BPD? Just from what you've shared it sounds like she may indeed have some of these traits. I know it's easy to just say, "oh it's BPD" but the inappropriate emotional outbursts is certainly a hallmark of BPD.


I think she could have BPD but the one time i brought it up she flipped, and got upset that i would think she had such a thing. Even if she had BPD she would never accept treatment for it.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Is there a point in your conversation where you notice she's about to lose it? 

It does seem unreasonable that two adults can't have a conversation and resolve issues together. Maybe she's so afraid of conflict that it sends her into flight mode. You sound like the one that stands and fights (not literally). Some people will do anything to avoid confrontation or criticizm. 

Does she work? I wonder how she handles problems outside of your relationship?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I also thought of BPD, but there are some reasons I'm reluctant to think that just yet, too. In any case, though, ESPECIALLY if it's BPD, her wanting to avoid talking is a healthy response if she cannot control her emotional thermostat. 

Can you adapt to that, Tim? 

What would happen if you simply developed your own solution and went with it? My suspicion is that she would feel happier in your relationship, but it could leave you feeling unsupported if you don't understand that her avoidance is actually a healthy thing.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Assuming there isn't a mental issue going on you're dealing with a conflict avoidant. I'm married to one too. They're fun aren't they?

In my case he was raised to believe his opinion didn't matter so he thought what was the point in having one? And I made the problem worse by trying to talk to him when he'd clearly stated he didn't want to. 

The first step is to understand WHY she behaves this way. Look into her past. What was her childhood like? What is she afraid of? Once you have that insight you have to get creative and do things differently. She's already shown you that initiating talks won't work so scratch that off your list. She's not interested in 'joining forces' to problem solve either.

I've learned how to solve problems by saying very little. I don't DO talks anymore because I know he doesn't like them and will shut down. They trigger him. 

People like this are scared so you have to move slowly so's not to spook them otherwise as you found they run away.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Is there a point in your conversation where you notice she's about to lose it?
> 
> It does seem unreasonable that two adults can't have a conversation and resolve issues together. Maybe she's so afraid of conflict that it sends her into flight mode. You sound like the one that stands and fights (not literally). Some people will do anything to avoid confrontation or criticizm.
> 
> Does she work? I wonder how she handles problems outside of your relationship?


I think she's used to having everything come easy. She came from a family that catered to her every need and made life a breeze for her. Now she is married to me, and sometimes we are short on money, or we're not agreeing about how much sex we should be having, etc. There was a time while we were shopping for champagne for the holiday, and while in the store i suggested we only get one bottle, but because she wanted two she threw a tantrum and began walking away. She doesn't work a traditional 9-5, but she translates and interprets on a case by case basis. She recently immigrated over into the country and doesn't have many friends at the moment, so i'm not quite sure how she handles things outside of our relationship to be honest.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I also thought of BPD, but there are some reasons I'm reluctant to think that just yet, too. In any case, though, ESPECIALLY if it's BPD, her wanting to avoid talking is a healthy response if she cannot control her emotional thermostat.
> 
> Can you adapt to that, Tim?
> 
> What would happen if you simply developed your own solution and went with it? My suspicion is that she would feel happier in your relationship, but it could leave you feeling unsupported if you don't understand that her avoidance is actually a healthy thing.


If she realizes that trying to talk things out results in her emotional outbursts, i can adapt to trying not to talk things out all the time, but when it comes to someone that directly involves the both of us like the frequency of sex (i don't think we try it often enough) how can i resolve it on my own without her help?


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Tim_Duncan28 said:


> I think she's used to having everything come easy. She came from a family that catered to her every need and made life a breeze for her. Now she is married to me, and sometimes we are short on money, or we're not agreeing about how much sex we should be having, etc. There was a time while we were shopping for champagne for the holiday, and while in the store i suggested we only get one bottle, but because she wanted two she threw a tantrum and began walking away. She doesn't work a traditional 9-5, but she translates and interprets on a case by case basis. *She recently immigrated over into the country and doesn't have many friends at the moment,* so i'm not quite sure how she handles things outside of our relationship to be honest.


That may be part of the issue. I have read about it on here a lot since becoming a member a few months ago. Someone else may be able to help you with that part of it.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Tim_Duncan28 said:


> I think she's used to having everything come easy. She came from a family that catered to her every need and made life a breeze for her. Now she is married to me, and sometimes we are short on money, or we're not agreeing about how much sex we should be having, etc. There was a time while we were shopping for champagne for the holiday, and while in the store i suggested we only get one bottle, but because she wanted two she threw a tantrum and began walking away. She doesn't work a traditional 9-5, but she translates and interprets on a case by case basis. She recently immigrated over into the country and doesn't have many friends at the moment, so i'm not quite sure how she handles things outside of our relationship to be honest.


She may very well be a spoiled brat. I've seen that kind too. You have to deal with them like they're toddlers.

IDK. I don't really have an answer for you, as you really only can change your response to her actions. Your expectations are going to have to adjust a bit. She may not be capable emotionally to have the type of relationship you would like... at least not right now. She needs to be retrained so to speak. 

What do you typically do when she has these fits?


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Assuming there isn't a mental issue going on you're dealing with a conflict avoidant. I'm married to one too. They're fun aren't they?
> 
> In my case he was raised to believe his opinion didn't matter so he thought what was the point in having one? And I made the problem worse by trying to talk to him when he'd clearly stated he didn't want to.
> 
> ...


I believe she had a pretty easy childhood. If she wanted something, her parents got it for her. She seems to be afraid of disappointing her parents or letting them down. She's afraid of failing at anything. Language is also a barrier between us. She is Russian and i am American. She speaks fluently, but cannot always find the right words to say, and so she gives up easily. If i ask her a question, and she cannot find the right word, she will begin crying, blaming herself, and give up. Her mood will be totally ruined at that point, and it will take her a good portion of a day to recover.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> She may very well be a spoiled brat. I've seen that kind too. You have to deal with them like they're toddlers.
> 
> IDK. I don't really have an answer for you, as you really only can change your response to her actions. Your expectations are going to have to adjust a bit. She may not be capable emotionally to have the type of relationship you would like... at least not right now. She needs to be retrained so to speak.
> 
> What do you typically do when she has these fits?


When she has these fits i try to hug her and let her feel my touch and that everything will be okay. When i realize that it's not helping i back off and leave her be. I don't know what else to do at that point to be honest.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> She may very well be a spoiled brat. I've seen that kind too. You have to deal with them like they're toddlers.


I'm leaning towards this combined with some seriously low self esteem with a side of perfectionism thrown in for good measure.

So she's basically a child that never grew up so expecting her to act like a mature adult won't work. You will have to treat her like a toddler. Ignore tantrums, be firm, tell her instead of discussing, etc. You're going to have to take charge.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tim_Duncan28 said:


> When she has these fits i try to hug her and let her feel my touch and that everything will be okay. When i realize that it's not helping i back off and leave her be. I don't know what else to do at that point to be honest.


Nope you're rewarding the behavior like with a child. I don't comfort my kids when they throw fits. Nope I tell them to go to their room until THEY calm themselves down.

With an adult you simply walk away. Fits are designed to get attention. Take that away and they generally stop.


----------



## Tim_Duncan28 (Sep 21, 2012)

All great points. She is 25 years old and is always yearning for the comfort of her home country, family, and friends. She seems to be totally out of her comfort zone. I should not reward her childish outbursts and should walk away.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tim, I agree with you and WAS that the inability to regulate one's own emotions is the hallmark of BPD. Indeed, a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for twenty years to change the name from "BPD" to "Emotion Regulation Disorder." 

Yet, I agree with Kathy that your descriptions of your W's behavior seem to be uncharacteristic of BPD traits in some important respects. Hence, if your W does have strong BPD traits, she would be an unusual BPDer. I therefore suggest you take a look at therapist Shari Schreiber's description of "waif borderlines" to see if it rings a bell. 

According to Schreiber, HELPLESSNESS is the Waif's core emotional theme. She describes these waifs (aka "quiet borderlines") in her article at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Although I've seen no statistics on the prevalence of waifs, my guess is that they comprise about 10% of BPDers.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Tim_Duncan28 said:


> If she realizes that trying to talk things out results in her emotional outbursts, i can adapt to trying not to talk things out all the time, but when it comes to someone that directly involves the both of us like the frequency of sex (i don't think we try it often enough) how can i resolve it on my own without her help?


Well, I can't say I have a great answer, but what I would *try* to do is think it through on your own and tell her bluntly what you want, and tell her if she feels differently, to talk to you in a day or two. This might give her time to rehearse her words and feel less vulnerable. I have NO idea if that will work, though, to be honest.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

check out this thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...9-conflicted-confused-crushed-long-one-2.html. It gives amazing insight into the world of BPD. Read the posts by Uptown. If you wife doesn't have this, she has some kind of personality disorder. If she doesn't get help, things look very bleak for you. The disorder will be the elephant in the room and you will have to live your life walking on eggshells for fear of setting her off. It will control you, your family, your decisions, your sanity. You will blame yourself for many things and find that your are apologizing for things that aren't really wrong, but to keep the peace. Your exasperation and unhappiness will grown because nothing you can do can fix it and the pain it causes and your resentment will grow.

You have to decide if you can live this way, and life will get more challenging. Don't become a shell of a man, besides yourself because of this. If things don't change, whether it's your wife getting the help she needs, or you learning how to be excellent at dealing with this, you have to make the hard decision on whether you should stay or go. If you want kids, do you want her to be the mother of your children?


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Tim_Duncan28 said:


> All great points. She is 25 years old and is always yearning for the comfort of her home country, family, and friends. She seems to be totally out of her comfort zone. I should not reward her childish outbursts and should walk away.


It sounds like she is home sick. Maybe having a hard time adjusting and she is to immature at this point to know how to handle it.


----------

