# He's Alpha Everywhere BUT the Bedroom. Something has to change



## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

I have been doing research. I've read books and trolled websites such as this for advice, I have been trying but nothing has changed. I would talk to friends, but I don't want to embarrass my husband and quite frankly, it's not thier business. So here I am looking for help. 

I feel defeated.

A little background. I am 27, he is 31. Have been together for 2/12 years. Married for a month and a half now, and were friends for almost 5 years before dating. This is my second marriage. I was only 18 when I married the first time (big mistake). I was pregnant and felt the need to please my parents, of course the marriage didn't work out, but I have a wonderful 8 year old son out of it. 

The issue: 

My husband is afraid to initiate sex with me. He claimes that he has anxiety about it and he over thinks everything, that he's intimidated by me. It took us 4 months of dating to finally seal the deal. Which I really just thought he was being a gentleman (which I am sure is partly true), but now looking back I think he was scared. The thing is, when we started having sex it was great for 4 months or so, and rapidly decreased from everyday to once or twice every month or two. His work schedule has never helped, being gone two weeks at work, and two weeks home. But we can handle him working in another state just fine, we've always managed the long distance. Of course I'd be excited to see him when he came home and want to jump his bones, which may happen the first or second night he's home. Then NOTHING for the rest of the time he's home. Then it's "bye babe see ya in two weeks". So that's sex once a month. I could easily have sex everyday, and would prefer it that way.

He is an ALPHA in every way, a real mans man. Served in the Marines and Army, and now has a very well paying job. Loves sports. He is a hard worker and is always after making money so that we can live life to the fullest and travel. He's adventurous and loves experiencing new cultures. We have this in common, and I love this about him. He is the funniest person I know, he truly is, makes me laugh everyday. Everyone is constantly telling him that he should do stand up. He's witty and smart. He's also romantic and thoughtful, proposed to me in Paris. He makes my dreams come true. EXCEPT we are lacking a connection in the bedroom. 

I am attracted to this man, I love this man. I want to be physical with this man. I love sex, and I have needs. I have tried bringing this up to him and he tells me he will try harder and then nothing changes. I'll bring it up in passing and he will quietly ask me to not "bring it up or it will make it worse". I've tried initiating but there's always some excuse that he will come up with (I can tell he's panicking inside). He will either say that he "doesn't feel good" or is "too tired" or "too clean" or "too dirty". I've tried just going in for the kill and unbuttoning his pants or wearing lingerie, but he just offers up an excuse. When we do it, he's got to be the one who's initiated, and it's good. But I think that he's so worried about impressing me that he psyches himself out. I know he likes the way I look, he will snap pictures of me naked, but it's almost like he'd rather just have the fantasy of me than to deal with the reality. 

This is foreign territory for me. I had a lot of crazy passionate sex in past relationships. I want him to be as Alpha in the bedroom as he is in everyday life. I've been a very patient woman, but something has to change, I can't stand it anymore. It makes me feel unwanted. So please, any advise would be very helpful.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Cherr88 said:


> I have been doing research. I've read books and trolled websites such as this for advice, I have been trying but nothing has changed. I would talk to friends, but I don't want to embarrass my husband and quite frankly, it's not thier business. So here I am looking for help.
> 
> I feel defeated.
> 
> ...




Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and compare results afterwards. You'll be surprised at the results.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


He might be LD "low sex drive". Someone who can have sex 1 to 2x month and is perfectly happy with that. He might be more conservative in the bedroom as well and not the adventurous type.

You might be HD "high sex drive". Someone who can have sex almost every day and loves to spice it up with adventurous sex.

If he's more passive, you have to initiate sex.


He could be having an affair out of state and feels bad having sex with you.


If I worked out of state, 2 weeks back and forth, as soon as I got back home, I would have the wildest sex fest with my wifee all night, 2 to 3x and then sleep for 8 hours. That's just me though. I would have sex with her almost every day and make it adventurous and romantic because I knew I'd be gone for another 2 weeks.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not accept his refusal to talk about it. This needs to be thoroughly talked out, ideally in front of a counselor.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> This is foreign territory for me. I had a lot of crazy passionate sex in past relationships.* I want him to be as Alpha in the bedroom as he is in everyday life. *I've been a very patient woman, but something has to change, I can't stand it anymore. *It makes me feel unwanted.* So please, any advise would be very helpful.


He might feel intimidated by your previous sexual relationships. 

*OR* individuals that are alpha and have a lot of control in real life desire to completely beta give up control and be dominated in their intimate life. 

Have you tried being very dominating with him and see how he responds?

Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you good at submitting?


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and compare results afterwards. You'll be surprised at the results.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


He might be LD "low sex drive". Someone who can have sex 1 to 2x month and is perfectly happy with that. He might be more conservative in the bedroom as well and not the adventurous type.

You might be HD "high sex drive". Someone who can have sex almost every day and loves to spice it up with adventurous sex.

If he's more passive, you have to initiate sex.


He could be having an affair out of state and feels bad having sex with you.


If I worked out of state, 2 weeks back and forth, as soon as I got back home, I would have the wildest sex fest with my wifee all night, 2 to 3x and then sleep for 8 hours. That's just me though. I would have sex with her almost every day and make it adventurous and romantic because I knew I'd be gone for another 2 weeks.[/QUOTE]


I know that he is not cheating, we constantly talk and I have access to everything. We have both always made it very clear how we feel about that, especially me knowing him as a friend before we dated, I know that is not the cause.

He did tell me after we were engaged, when I was having a meltdown about the lack of sex, that he has been broken up with, for the same reason. And I know I know, red flag! But I was extremely invested in this relationship when he told me, and I really have hope that this is something that can be overcome..the sex was consistent in the beginning. Maybe it was easier for him then, because we weren't very serious yet and he didn't worry as much about impressing me?

Oh and to add the icing on the cake, I suppose I should have mentioned that he was laid off work a couple of weeks ago. Def nada happening between the sheets since then.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

jld said:


> I would not accept his refusal to talk about it. This needs to be thoroughly talked out, ideally in front of a counselor.


I agree, but this man is stubborn as a ox. I don't know how to even approach the idea of counseling to him


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> I agree, but this man is stubborn as a ox. I don't know how to even approach the idea of counseling to him


If you ever decide to leave him because of it, he might open up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Does he have difficulty achieving erection?


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > This is foreign territory for me. I had a lot of crazy passionate sex in past relationships.* I want him to be as Alpha in the bedroom as he is in everyday life. *I've been a very patient woman, but something has to change, I can't stand it anymore. *It makes me feel unwanted.* So please, any advise would be very helpful.
> ...


I mean yes to a certain extent. To the point of where I'll wear lingerie or ask him to join me in the shower, or start unzipping his pants. But it's always an excuse, I can see the sheer panic. I haven't gone full throttle with my initiating just because I'm afraid to at this point. Rejection will do that to you. And he def doesn't know how to pick up on hints


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cherr88 said:


> I agree, but this man is stubborn as a ox. I don't know how to even approach the idea of counseling to him


 "Honey, I love you, but I won't stay in this marriage as it is. Either we go to therapy or I'll go ahead and make plans to move out."

What he's experiencing is almost surely either fear (I'm not good enough and she won't want me) or shame (I'm not good enough and she won't want me). What he REALLY needs is individual counseling, not marriage counseling, to tackle that inner fear/shame, so he can see it's not real, that he IS lovable.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you good at submitting?


I can be, yes.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

jld said:


> Does he have difficulty achieving erection?


Sometimes he needs to be a little warmed up, sometimes he's ready to go right then. Just depends


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> I can be, yes.


I don't think that is a long term solution. Jmo.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Does he use porn? We seem to hear from a fair number of women in similar circumstances who find out that their husbands are MB to porn daily, while avoiding sex with them.


Not that I'm aware of, but he apparently MB about every other time he takes a shower.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> Not that I'm aware of, but he apparently MB about every other time he takes a shower.


So he can get erect.

This may seem incongruent, but with what you have said about his being an alpha male in the military, do you think there is any chance his natural attraction is to men? 

That might explain why he has to psych himself up, it seems, to be with a woman. Just a thought.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

turnera said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree, but this man is stubborn as a ox. I don't know how to even approach the idea of counseling to him
> ...


I love the idea of him getting solo help for this. But he's so stubborn, I'm afraid he will let me go if I threaten to leave.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> I love the idea of him getting solo help for this. But he's so stubborn,* I'm afraid he will let me go *if I threaten to leave.


Are you okay living your whole life this way, as long as you can be with him?


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

jld said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > Not that I'm aware of, but he apparently MB about every other time he takes a shower.
> ...


100% no way. My ex husband was a sex addict and turned out to be bi sexual. I learned how to read the signs pretty well after being married to him. If anything, my now husband is a bit homophobic


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He masturbates a lot? That's the problem. Your v cannot possibly grip the P as good as his hand and he has trouble getting off. Sex is work to him. You pressuring him for sex turns him off.
Tell him to stop MB'ing and have sex with you, or you're gone. That's BS.
People don't change much unless they want to change. HE's not changing unless a 2 x 4 hits him, which is the revelation that he's losing another one over his weird choice to MB rather than have sex with a great, highly sexual woman.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

+1 on that, "stop masturbating and nail me every other shower" problem solved <g>. 

Also, "there is nothing to be afraid of because I will never turn you down".


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He masturbates a lot? That's the problem. Your v cannot possibly grip the P as good as his hand and he has trouble getting off. Sex is work to him. You pressuring him for sex turns him off.
> Tell him to stop MB'ing and have sex with you, or you're gone. That's BS.
> People don't change much unless they want to change. HE's not changing unless a 2 x 4 hits him, which is the revelation that he's losing another one over his weird choice to MB rather than have sex with a great, highly sexual woman.


Is a couple of times a week considered a lot for a guy? He says he just does it out of habit, that it's just something to do sometimes while he's in there quickly. And I asked him the last time he had done it, and it was a few ours before we had sex. So he told me it doesn't kill his sex drive, that he has anxiety. But I honestly think it's bs also


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

jld said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > I love the idea of him getting solo help for this. But he's so stubborn,* I'm afraid he will let me go *if I threaten to leave.
> ...



No I'm not. But I feel that it's too soon to give up


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Was he in a relationship before where he was frequently turned down for sex? That can do a number on a man's confidence and willingness to initiate.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> Sometimes he needs to be a little warmed up, sometimes he's ready to go right then. Just depends


I'm going to go with this.

Let's suppose that there was something you wanted to do and your husband really wanted to do, but it being a good experience all depended on something happening over which you had no control. Sometimes it happened, other times you and your husband were disappointed. Maybe it almost always happens but takes more work than it should. It would probably leave you a bit gun shy about getting started.

PIV is totally dependent on the man having an erection. Your husband has little control over this (and, contrary to popular opinion, a man having or not having an erection does not automatically equate to his finding a woman attractive or not).

If he initiates sex, there's a chance that he'll enjoy himself and please you. However, there's also a chance that he feels like a failure as a man. Compare this to porn and masturbation; sure the upside isn't as good, but there's no downside.

So, I'd redefine sex from PIV to getting naked together. Make it so that there are no goals. Hopefully, he can give you an orgasm with something other than PIV and there's nothing wrong with having an orgasm for YOU as a goal. Just as long as it's not dependent on him having an erection. Let him know how important the intimacy of being naked with him is to you. Let him know that it doesn't matter what his d!ck does, that you understand that an erection doesn't equal love. Let him know how much you love him, love his body, love being close to him, love his d!ck (erect or not). Take away all the pressure and things will probably improve.

He should agree not to watch porn & masterbate when he's home without giving you first dibs (and this doesn't mean a full on sex session with PIV. Maybe you just give him a hj or bj and he reciprocates later).

If this doesn't do it (or doesn't do enough), get his T Levels checked and find him a supply of Viagra.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Joey2k said:


> Was he in a relationship before where he was frequently turned down for sex? That can do a number on a man's confidence and willingness to initiate.



I don't know about that. But he tells me he was more confident when he was in the Marines and younger. Over the past ten years he's gained around 100-115 pounds. I never knew the skinnier version of him, but his diet is terrible and he doesn't eat any vegetables. I know he feels self conscious, he doesn't really like being naked in front of me. He recently lost 30 pounds and seemed more confident but nothing Changed I the bedroom


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Regarding you ability to be sexually dominate with your husband:



Cherr88 said:


> I mean yes to a certain extent. To the point of where I'll wear lingerie or ask him to join me in the shower, or start unzipping his pants. But it's always an excuse, I can see the sheer panic. I haven't gone full throttle with my initiating just because I'm afraid to at this point. Rejection will do that to you. And he def doesn't know how to pick up on hints


 @Cherr88 I would NOT call this being dominant by any extent. This comes across as being dominating and aggressive as a coupon for a 25% discount on your car's next oil change. 

STEP 1: Research the parental controls that are available on your home network's internet router. Have it log all your home's internet traffic to discover what kind of porn your husband is into.

STEP 2: Once you figure out his secrets and that he actually has a very active libido that he is unable to express due to shame or lack of self confidence, make yourself familiar with it so that you can make him feel accepted.

STEP 3: Work on your confidence so that you are rock solid and can playfully withstand him throwing a temper tantrum in case he freaks out.

STEP 4: Confront him about his sexuality by role playing whatever it is that he has a secret fetish about. 

STEP 5: Make it about you enjoying yourself and do not force him to enjoy himself. But teach him how to use his fantasies as a way to please you.


Hopefully you can discover something tame and he is perfectly normal but has been sexually repressed by his parents and church. While you could bypass STEP 1 by simply asking him, anyone with a porn habit will NEVER be open about it as early as you are in your relationship. It will take years of breaking down barriers to open those doors, especially if someone is naturally aversive to topics of sexuality.

Good Luck!
Badsanta

PS: Also keep in mind your husband could be a victim of sexual abuse. If you suspect that is the case, my advice is not going to help and you will need to talk to a professional.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

This sounds like a classic case of performance anxiety to me. Couple that with his MB and he won't be able to perform on a regular basis. Unless he admits he has a problem, seeks help, and addresses it, there's not a lot you can do. I would suggest that you tell him, for the sake of your happiness, he needs to admit he has a problem that needs to be addressed, and assure him that he is NOT ALONE. ED happens to the majority of men at some point in their life. He needs to go to a doctor to find out if there's anything physically wrong with him. Most doctors will have samples of Viagra, Cialis, and / or Levitra that can help men achieve an erection. If it takes a while for to get an erection sometimes, these pills will most likely help him overcome any anxiety about not being able to perform. Very few men his age are truly LD, in my opinion, without some kind of psychological or physiological problem.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> Is a couple of times a week considered a lot for a guy? He says he just does it out of habit, that it's just something to do sometimes while he's in there quickly. And I asked him the last time he had done it, *and it was a few hours before we had sex*. So he told me it doesn't kill his sex drive, that he has anxiety. But I honestly think it's bs also


THAT will definitely interfere with his ability to have sex!

Ask him to try NOT to masturbate for at least two days prior to sex and compare! Odds are he will enjoy it much more that way with you as well.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

It is either performance anxiety or he is not attracted to you (likely homosexual). And, being alpha and homophobic does NOT rule out attraction to men. If anything, an ALPHA male who is attracted to men is going to be homophobic b/c he does not WANT to be attracted to men. 

I would say more likely performance anxiety but I absolutely would not rule out the other. You can see him panic when you initiate? Something is off.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> I don't know about that. But he tells me he was more confident when he was in the Marines and younger. Over the past ten years he's gained around 100-115 pounds. I never knew the skinnier version of him, but his diet is terrible and he doesn't eat any vegetables. I know he feels self conscious, he doesn't really like being naked in front of me. He recently lost 30 pounds and seemed more confident but nothing Changed I the bedroom


How overweight is he (weight and height)? This greatly affects libido. Excess fat puts out estrogen and lowers testosterone. Has he had his T levels tested? My husband was at least 80 pounds overweight and had no libido and had issues with delayed ejaculation. Of course he is also much older. But much of these issues improved greatly once he lost 60 pounds (still has more to lose).

For a guy only 31 years old to only want sex once a month is unusual! You are begging him for sex, but he is refusing. And yet he is MB in the shower every other day!? I would be so pissed! How can he justify leaving his wife's needs unmet and yet MB?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> Is a couple of times a week considered a lot for a guy? He says he just does it out of habit, that it's just something to do sometimes while he's in there quickly. And I asked him the last time he had done it, and it was a few ours before we had sex. So he told me it doesn't kill his sex drive, that he has anxiety. But I honestly think it's bs also


Couple times a week is not a lot for a guy with a normal sex drive. If he is lower drive then a couple times a week may be all he has so it should be directed to YOU. 

A couple times a day is verging on "a lot" for a 31 year old .


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know about that. But he tells me he was more confident when he was in the Marines and younger. Over the past ten years he's gained around 100-115 pounds. I never knew the skinnier version of him, but his diet is terrible and he doesn't eat any vegetables. I know he feels self conscious, he doesn't really like being naked in front of me. He recently lost 30 pounds and seemed more confident but nothing Changed I the bedroom
> ...



6'1, and 285 lbs. he's got a lot of muscle but still he's overweight. He's terrified of the Doctor, I've tried to get him to go and he will say that he will but nothing. His brother had to drag him to the doctor when he had an ulcer, he's like a child when it comes to that. His mom died when he was 11 and was in the hospital a lot, he says this is where his fear of doctors come from. It's like he doesn't realize how neglectful he is being, I'm so frustrated!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> I don't know about that. But he tells me he was more confident when he was in the Marines and younger. Over the past ten years he's gained around 100-115 pounds. I never knew the skinnier version of him, but his diet is terrible and he doesn't eat any vegetables. I know he feels self conscious, he doesn't really like being naked in front of me. He recently lost 30 pounds and seemed more confident but nothing Changed I the bedroom


He needs to lose the other 80 pounds(!), starting right now! That is almost certainly a major part of his problem, not only because it makes him unattractive but because fat tissue raises estrogen levels, which will mess up his sexual response.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Cherr88 said:


> 6'1, and 285 lbs. he's got a lot of muscle but still he's overweight. He's terrified of the Doctor, I've tried to get him to go and he will say that he will but nothing. His brother had to drag him to the doctor when he had an ulcer, he's like a child when it comes to that. His mom died when he was 11 and was in the hospital a lot, he says this is where his fear of doctors come from. It's like he doesn't realize how neglectful he is being, I'm so frustrated!


You can be understanding of his fears, but you still have to lay it out to him that you are approaching the end with being patient. Let him know you realize his fear of doctors but you can't go on in a sexless marriage which is essentially what you have at the once a month or less frequency. Ask him if he wants the relationship to fail over his stubbornness, his anxieties, and his fears. If he is not willing to REALLY do something to improve this (therapy and physical), then it is best to get out now while you are young. Maybe you and he are better off as friends than as spouses and lovers. You don't want to look back 10 years from now with huge resentment of him wasting your best years.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cherr88 said:


> Is a couple of times a week considered a lot for a guy? He says he just does it out of habit, that it's just something to do sometimes while he's in there quickly. And I asked him the last time he had done it, and it was a few ours before we had sex. So he told me it doesn't kill his sex drive, that he has anxiety. But I honestly think it's bs also


Oh, I get it. So you think he's telling you the truth regarding his mb habits.....


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> He needs to lose the other 80 pounds(!), starting right now! That is almost certainly a major part of his problem, not only because it makes him unattractive but because fat tissue raises estrogen levels, which will mess up his sexual response.


I am no doctor, but I agree here. You should have his estrogen and testosterone levels checked.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This (sadly) sounds like a classic HD/LD situation. The OP wants a lot more sex than her partner does. Sounds like he as always been like this - so it isn't very likely to change. Often there is nothing the high desire person can do to increase the low desire person's interest.

Traditionally people think men want more sex than women, but the opposite is very common.

He may not be gay, submissive or anything else. He may just not want much sex- which is quite miserable for you.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> You don't want to look back 10 years from now with huge resentment of him wasting your best years.


Ouch. That's where I am now. Good advice. Don't be like me.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I went through the gay spouse thing. It ain't fun. It makes you question everything about yourself and it has nothing to do with you. Of course, I always said I made her straight for 6 years. Anyway, do you check his phone, computer...whatever to see if there is anything there at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like he is LD and you are HD.

Sexual mismatch.


You can talk to him about it, nothing really changes.

Year after year, etc.


I am HD and my wifee is LD. She could have sex 1 - 2x month were as I need sex almost every day and multiple times a day and I am adventurous were she is conservative.


16 years later or marriage, she is still LD.


You might be going down the same path as many here.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > Sometimes he needs to be a little warmed up, sometimes he's ready to go right then. Just depends
> ...



This is very helpful! Now it's just a matter of him understanding that I am okay with other things. I've never been shy with him about sex, so I don't really know why he has trouble opening up with me


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Sounds like he is LD and you are HD.
> 
> Sexual mismatch.
> 
> ...



Is there something that you do to cope with it?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Maybe I missed it, but have you asked your husband if he wishes he would want more sex? Like, what is his take on this. Has he looked into it all? If it were me, I'd be on the internets day and night trying to figure it out, and my doctor too. Where is his mind in this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cher88, what kind of relationship did your husband have with his mom?

Was his family religious?


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > This is very helpful! Now it's just a matter of him understanding that I am okay with other things. I've never been shy with him about sex, so I don't really know why he has trouble opening up with me
> ...


When we do have sex, 95% of the time he takes care of me orally first and is very enthusiastic about it. When it comes to actually intercourse, I'd say he's enthusiastic maybe half of the time. I can tell he's over thinking things


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Maybe I missed it, but have you asked your husband if he wishes he would want more sex? Like, what is his take on this. Has he looked into it all? If it were me, I'd be on the internets day and night trying to figure it out, and my doctor too. Where is his mind in this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He's said things like, " I told myself that I was going to have sex with you everyday but then I got nervous" or "I wish I was this very sexual person". It's rare that we talk about it because it makes him uncomfortable, but yes he said he wishes it was more too. And he always talks up a big game and then won't follow through, it's very frustrating. And he's bought testosterone pills, and will start taking them for a couple of days and then magically forget to take them anymore


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Cher88, what kind of relationship did your husband have with his mom?
> 
> Was his family religious?



Parents were divorced. His mom passed when he was 11 and then he moved in with his dad. So he went from living with a easy going parent to a stern one and losing his mother at a very critical age. Neither were too religious


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
that may be positive news. Many people who are naturally LD really dislike doing oral (it just seems a patter I've seen here). If he enjoys doing it, that suggests that he is interested in sex.

Does he have ED problems? 

Just to check when you have intercourse is there any possibility of pregnancy - could that be what is stressing him?





Cherr88 said:


> When we do have sex, 95% of the time he takes care of me orally first and is very enthusiastic about it. When it comes to actually intercourse, I'd say he's enthusiastic maybe half of the time. I can tell he's over thinking things


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> that may be positive news. Many people who are naturally LD really dislike doing oral (it just seems a patter I've seen here). If he enjoys doing it, that suggests that he is interested in sex.
> 
> Does he have ED problems?
> ...


He very much so wants a baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like what you two need is sexual therapy. You can find a sexual therapist who can help you two get over the jitters.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yes a sexual therapist, and a marriage coach. Not a marriage counselor, a marriage coach.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> 100% no way. My ex husband was a sex addict and turned out to be bi sexual. I learned how to read the signs pretty well after being married to him. If anything, my now husband is a bit homophobic


The simplest and most obvious answer is that his sexuality is not being accommodated by a traditional sex role. And it does not have to mean he is gay--it could mean what Bad Santa said about dominance or something else entirely. 

It sounds like he can't pretend to like it anymore but he is to closed off to tell you.

I know you don't want to believe this and that this is really horrible to consider but a guy that is not interested in sex is not just a "guy with a quirk". This man is in deep conflict and he fears losing you and he probably fears being exposed and humiliated over whatever it is. 

Homophobia would not be a surprise from someone that has not come to terms with atypical sexual tastes. Don't tell me you have never seen American Beauty.

This is not going away on its own. You have to get him secure enough to tell you whats going on, or force it out of him by escalating this as a need in your marriage that you will not go forward without. Eventually he will tell you what it is, it is just a question of how many years you want to allow him to tell you. 

Read lots of stories on TAM. I also had a sexless marriage and boggles my mind that people complain about "only" having sex once per week. At its best I could get once a month out of my wife. This will get you in tune with you can expect out of a healthy marriage. Don't spend almost two decades on sex rations like I did.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
do you both and are you trying? Is it causing stress - it does for man couples. 




Cherr88 said:


> He very much so wants a baby.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

There's something about sex that he is absolutely unwilling to tell you. He's afraid that if you knew it, you would hate him and out him and he'd lose everything. Not just you and his marriage, but his image, his friends, his career, etc. Probably even his self-respect, which is why he buries it so far down he doesn't have to admit it to himself. His alpha tendencies everywhere else may be overcompensation so no one suspects he's really weak inside, but in the bedroom it's harder to hide.

He could be a deeply closeted gay. He could be a childhood sex abuse survivor. He could have a fetish or attraction he feels/knows is wrong (sadism, pedophelia, who knows) and only acts on in fantasy. He could be asexual and lying about his masturbation.

He gives you what he feels is just enough to make you stop asking him questions. He may want a baby not only because he wants to be a dad, but because pregnancy may give him an excuse not to have sex with you and a baby would distract you.

Don't have a baby yet. It will not fix anything at all.

He needs counselling, individual counselling for himself. He needs someone to listen to him open up, someone he feels isn't judging him and can't hurt him by leaving. You can't be that person for him, but you can tell him you know there is something he can't tell you and he needs to find a professional he can talk to.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> do you both and are you trying? Is it causing stress - it does for man couples.


@OP,

Don't even think about having a kid until this is resolved. Seriously. Don't. It will just bury this for a decade and when you come up for air, you will be filled with the abject horror of your best years slipping away without passion. 

Please don't do this to yourself.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> He's said things like, " I told myself that I was going to have sex with you everyday but then I got nervous" or "I wish I was this very sexual person". It's rare that we talk about it because it makes him uncomfortable, but yes he said he wishes it was more too. And he always talks up a big game and then won't follow through, it's very frustrating. And he's bought testosterone pills, and will start taking them for a couple of days and then magically forget to take them anymore


Trying means taking a chance that you'll fail.

That's scary.

If you don't try, then you can't fail.

Let him know that you interpret "not trying" as "not caring" so what matters to you is that he cares. Let him know that there is nothing that you would interpret as a failure other than not trying.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cher88 are you thinking of trading him in? Do you have your sights set on a potential replacement male?

I think your husband got sexually shamed by someone in his past and has never told you. I would not be surprised if he may have been molested.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There's something about sex that he is absolutely unwilling to tell you. He's afraid that if you knew it, you would hate him and out him and he'd lose everything. Not just you and his marriage, but his image, his friends, his career, etc. Probably even his self-respect, which is why he buries it so far down he doesn't have to admit it to himself. His alpha tendencies everywhere else may be overcompensation so no one suspects he's really weak inside, but in the bedroom it's harder to hide.
> 
> He could be a deeply closeted gay. *He could be a childhood sex abuse survivor*. He could have a fetish or attraction he feels/knows is wrong (sadism, pedophelia, who knows) and only acts on in fantasy. He could be asexual and lying about his masturbation.
> 
> ...


The CSA is my guess.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There's something about sex that he is absolutely unwilling to tell you. He's afraid that if you knew it, you would hate him and out him and he'd lose everything. Not just you and his marriage, but his image, his friends, his career, etc. Probably even his self-respect, which is why he buries it so far down he doesn't have to admit it to himself. His alpha tendencies everywhere else may be overcompensation so no one suspects he's really weak inside, but in the bedroom it's harder to hide.
> 
> He could be a deeply closeted gay. He could be a childhood sex abuse survivor. He could have a fetish or attraction he feels/knows is wrong (sadism, pedophelia, who knows) and only acts on in fantasy. He could be asexual and lying about his masturbation.
> 
> ...


It doesn't have to be so complicated.

I liked sex plenty. My d!ck just didn't get automatically hard when thinking about sex. 98% of the time everything worked out just fine but sweating the 2% was a mindfvck. When I get out of the mindfvck, everything is fine; until it isn't.

If I have any deep down complexes, my unconscious hasn't informed me as to what they are. I'm pretty sure that blood just doesn't flow to my d!ck as easily as most and therefore I'm more susceptible to performance anxiety.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> Hopeful Cynic said:
> 
> 
> > There's something about sex that he is absolutely unwilling to tell you. He's afraid that if you knew it, you would hate him and out him and he'd lose everything. Not just you and his marriage, but his image, his friends, his career, etc. Probably even his self-respect, which is why he buries it so far down he doesn't have to admit it to himself. His alpha tendencies everywhere else may be overcompensation so no one suspects he's really weak inside, but in the bedroom it's harder to hide.
> ...


I feel that that it is anxiety based, he tends to overthink a lot of things in general. Is there something you do to cope with your mind going into overdrive?


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

ScrambledEggs said:


> richardsharpe said:
> 
> 
> > Good evening
> ...


I agree, a baby isn't a good idea until things are good in every aspect. I don't want to resent him more than I already do right now


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > 100% no way. My ex husband was a sex addict and turned out to be bi sexual. I learned how to read the signs pretty well after being married to him. If anything, my now husband is a bit homophobic
> ...


Thanks for your input. I agree something needs to be figured out now, before any more time passes by. Im still hopeful things can turn around, but I know myself. I will not stick around forever waiting


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Cher88 are you thinking of trading him in? Do you have your sights set on a potential replacement male?
> 
> I think your husband got sexually shamed by someone in his past and has never told you. I would not be surprised if he may have been molested.


I do not want to trade him in, my mind isn't there. Right now I am focused on trying to save this marriage, or at the very least, seeing if it can be saved.

I do know that his mother was very sick and dying during the time he would've gone through puberty. I truly thing that this may have something to do with it


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> I feel that that it is anxiety based, he tends to overthink a lot of things in general. Is there something you do to cope with your mind going into overdrive?


Nope, nothing keeps me from overthinking it.

The best way to deal with it is, after a "failure to rise to the occasion", take a Viagra before the next time. That get's me off the negative feedback loop. 

Having the courage to keep risking failure.

And, most importantly, an understanding wife who (I believe genuinely) thinks I'm the best lover she ever had and realizes that my love and desire for her isn't measured by my d!ck.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There's something about sex that he is absolutely unwilling to tell you. He's afraid that if you knew it, you would hate him and out him and he'd lose everything. Not just you and his marriage, but his image, his friends, his career, etc. Probably even his self-respect, which is why he buries it so far down he doesn't have to admit it to himself. His alpha tendencies everywhere else may be overcompensation so no one suspects he's really weak inside, but in the bedroom it's harder to hide.
> 
> He could be a deeply closeted gay. He could be a childhood sex abuse survivor. He could have a fetish or attraction he feels/knows is wrong (sadism, pedophelia, who knows) and only acts on in fantasy. He could be asexual and lying about his masturbation.
> 
> ...



I agree. I don't know WHAT it is, but it's not just having a low sex drive. That would not cause PANIC, that would cause annoyance, like he would act like he doesn't want to be bothered, not like he is frightened every time the possibility comes up. There is definitely something he is not telling you. Sexual abuse?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> I feel that that it is anxiety based, he tends to overthink a lot of things in general. Is there something you do to cope with your mind going into overdrive?


This explanation works on the first date, but its veracity decreases which each act, marriage, and certainly each month/year in marriage. This is something profound going on that would supplant or negate a man's libido.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> Thanks for your input. I agree something needs to be figured out now, before any more time passes by. Im still hopeful things can turn around, but I know myself. I will not stick around forever waiting


I think that is the right way to look at it. If you force this to be dealt with you guys have a chance. If not, no chance for fullfillment.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
In case its anxiety caused by ED or the fear of it: Are there things he can do for you that you enjoy without his needing an erection? Sometimes knowing that you have not "failed" to please your partner can help


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Seems to me that difference in sexual desire is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges in marriage.
Very seldom do we see a solution except for finding a better partner.

Good luck in you mission to have a sexually fulfilling marriage.

Come back in post if you find a solution.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

So last night, after I could tell it was going nowhere ("I don't feel good" and farting smh, while staring at the tv) I rolled over and started quietly crying. Pathetic I know, but it seems to be happening more and more lately. Except to my horror, he realized I was crying this time. He tried to ask me what was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him, so I just said "nothing". Then he says to me "your weird" and "you seem like a grumpy old lady at night lately". Well I wonder why!! I have literally gotten up and slept in our guest bedroom about 3 times in the last two weeks because I'm just so hurt and don't even want to be around him. 

It really clicked with me, that this man has no idea why I'm so withdrawn and pissy lately. It's been about 4 months since I had a huge meltdown with him over sex. I wanted to bring it up again so badly lastnight, but I bit my tounge because I looked vulnerable and weak. I want to make sure I can come across confident and understanding. 

So I thought to myself, what does he love as much as I love sex? FOOTBALL! He lives and breathes football, it is an obsession. It's something he is passionate about and can't go a day without. I have come up with a metaphor/analogy, comparing my love of sex to his love of football. 

I will post it as soon as I can (going to need a large coffee, it's not easy typing a novel on an iPhone). I'd love to hear your opinions or if it's too far fetched/complicated. My hope is that I can write it as a letter or say it to him in a calm setting. And maybe just maybe, he will understand where I am coming from.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Now that sounds like classic LD. My wife does the same. After weeks without sex she will ask me why I seem unhappy. I'll tell her and she will apologize for being "tired" (or whatever the excuse of the day is), then try to make up fro it some other way (which of course doesn't work). If I get really upset / angry she will change for a few months, then drift back. During the arguments she will argue that I like a child wanting dessert all the time.

I'm convinced that LD people at a very basic level can't understand that sex is important to others because it isn't important to them. 





Cherr88 said:


> So last night, after I could tell it was going nowhere ("I don't feel good" and farting smh, while staring at the tv) I rolled over and started quietly crying. Pathetic I know, but it seems to be happening more and more lately. Except to my horror, he realized I was crying this time. He tried to ask me what was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him, so I just said "nothing". Then he says to me "your weird" and "you seem like a grumpy old lady at night lately". Well I wonder why!! I have literally gotten up and slept in our guest bedroom about 3 times in the last two weeks because I'm just so hurt and don't even want to be around him.
> 
> It really clicked with me, that this man has no idea why I'm so withdrawn and pissy lately. It's been about 4 months since I had a huge meltdown with him over sex. I wanted to bring it up again so badly lastnight, but I bit my tounge because I looked vulnerable and weak. I want to make sure I can come across confident and understanding.
> 
> ...


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Now that sounds like classic LD. My wife does the same. After weeks without sex she will ask me why I seem unhappy. I'll tell her and she will apologize for being "tired" (or whatever the excuse of the day is), then try to make up fro it some other way (which of course doesn't work). If I get really upset / angry she will change for a few months, then drift back. During the arguments she will argue that I like a child wanting dessert all the time.
> 
> I'm convinced that LD people at a very basic level can't understand that sex is important to others because it isn't important to them.


And that itself is a form of selfishness.
My wife is similar and her excuse always is tired, busy, kids, work, cooking etc etc. All reasonable, but this is the case all the time for years. 

I wish my wife was like the OP. My wife never initiates. Ever.
It's a form of selfishness and manipulation.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe OP should tell her husband point blank and maybe start with scheduled sex? Like maybe once a week on a Saturday night and then go from there?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

nirvana said:


> Maybe OP should tell her husband point blank and maybe start with scheduled sex? Like maybe once a week on a Saturday night and then go from there?


No. 

What? So he can fit her into his busy schedule? 

It would be no different than her begging him to have sex with her. Why should she debase herself like that? She should not lower herself to his level. 

She needs to wave divorce papers in his face and start packing his sh!t up in boxes.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have started saying words to this effect: "The fact that you are happy is not an indication of my happiness. A healthy marriage requires 2 happy people." I feel for you @Cherr88. And @OliviaG if you have a minute could you send me an update on your situation?

I think the football analogy might work especially if you start by telling him you don't think you can afford Cable this fall. Usually I tell my LD Spouse, that just because I ate Saturday, doesn't mean I'm not hungry Thursday.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Unfortunately he's having sexual activities very often. It's just not with her.

Many women would consider his MB (devoting his sexual energy to something other than her) as grounds for leaving. IMHO, no fap should be at the top of the list. Perhaps low T screening should be close behind.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

I don't want pity sex from him, that he feels he needs to do it to shut me up. That's not pleasurable for either of us, I need spontaneity and passion/ for him to want it and be present. If I wanted sex with a robot, I would just whip out my vibrator. I believe in my heart, that he wants it but it afraid of failure. 

I need him to have a sympathetic ear and to put him in my shoes. And vise versa. Which is why I came up with this football metaphor. 




Here is what I want him to imagine..







That he has signed a binding contract to only watch football with me (aka marriage). That he comes into our game room every night, dressed up in a really nice jersey and excited to put on the game with me (aka lingerie/or groomed/ ready to have sex). But he sits there waiting. I don't want to turn the game on that we've recorded because I was way too nervous that he will hate watching it with me or that I will mess up and accidentally fumble over the remote and turn it off early (aka ED). He knows that I snuck off to watch the game on my own because I was so nervous to watch it with him (aka masturbating). He REALLY wants to watch these games with me, but because of my selfishness to open up and tell him my fears, he becomes resentful and doesn't want to be around me anymore. What he wants me to know, is that he will have just as much fun watching the game by himself, with me in the room (aka oral). Maybe I will see how much fun he is having and want to start watching it with him (aka sex), but if I I'm too nervous, that at least I am trying. He wont go watch the game with someone else (aka cheat), because he has the most fun watching it with me, and he is okay if the game doesn't end the way we wanted (aka perfect sex duh). 




I want to come from a place, where I can put him in my shoes, in a scenario where it's something he loves. In the past when I have had major meltdowns, I think it's destroyed his ego and made him feel terrible about himself, so now he doesn't even try at all. I am not making excuses for him, he's being selfish. But I think things have to be dumbed down enough for him to understand the effect it's having on me. 

So..thoughts? Am I going to look desperate and weak by approaching it this way?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Hmm - yes and no. To the HD, the LD seems selfish - why on earth won't they do something so important.

To the LD, the HD seems immature and demanding - why do they think they should get sex all the time. They are like a child who always wants treats. Normal people aren't like that. 

30 years of dealing with this - it doesn't get better. From talking on forums, it almost never gets better. There is no way to convince a true LD that sex is important. They just think you are a slvt or "old goat". 




nirvana said:


> And that itself is a form of selfishness.
> My wife is similar and her excuse always is tired, busy, kids, work, cooking etc etc. All reasonable, but this is the case all the time for years.
> 
> I wish my wife was like the OP. My wife never initiates. Ever.
> It's a form of selfishness and manipulation.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
That can work - but barely. In my case my wife has decided that on Sundays between 3 and 5 pm we will have sex. No sex any other time. She gives every indication of enthusiastically enjoying it at those times. 

Its a lot better than nothing, but it still lacks any spontaneous passion. 

I get the impression that she feels that having more sex would somehow be "giving in". 

sucks (or doesn't I guess). 





nirvana said:


> Maybe OP should tell her husband point blank and maybe start with scheduled sex? Like maybe once a week on a Saturday night and then go from there?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No.
> 
> What? So he can fit her into his busy schedule?
> 
> ...


It's not debasing. Maybe he is too thick to realize this because sex is not important to him as much as it to her. 

Has the OP properly communicated this to her husband? This may be an obvious thing to do but you will be surprised how much it is not done. Many times women expect their husbands to "get it", and men rarely "get it". 

Before waving div papers, I suggest she talk to him first.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If he is really LD (not sure yet), none of that will work. He will find some way that football is not like sex. He will find some way to show that every analogy you come up with is different from sex. He will at a very basic level feel that what you want is unreasonable - maybe shameful. Something not "normal". 

Its difficult for a HD person to imagine not desiring sex. The best analog I can find: assuming you are straight - imagine that your husband were female. Same guy that you love but physically female. How would you feel about having sex with him? 







Cherr88 said:


> I don't want pity sex from him, that he feels he needs to do it to shut me up. That's not pleasurable for either of us, I need spontaneity and passion/ for him to want it and be present. If I wanted sex with a robot, I would just whip out my vibrator. I believe in my heart, that he wants it but it afraid of failure.
> 
> I need him to have a sympathetic ear and to put him in my shoes. And vise versa. Which is why I came up with this football metaphor.
> 
> ...


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> That can work - but barely. In my case my wife has decided that on Sundays between 3 and 5 pm we will have sex. No sex any other time. She gives every indication of enthusiastically enjoying it at those times.
> 
> Its a lot better than nothing, but it still lacks any spontaneous passion.
> ...


That's the control and manipulation part of it. The LD partner always can use sex as a carrot to dangle in front of the HD partner.

In my case, my wife makes it seem like she is doing me a favor. She's even said "if you do what I say, maybe we will end up having more sex". Which feels like blackmail to me. When we do have sex, she enjoys it immensely and I can tell that it's not fake. Once sufficiently aroused, she is very aggressive, so I just dial back a bit and let her take it from there, and it is great too. 

Maybe OP's husband has some similar issues, or some thing he is worried about like how he would do.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

nirvana said:


> That's the control and manipulation part of it. The LD partner always can use sex as a carrot to dangle in front of the HD partner.
> 
> In my case, my wife makes it seem like she is doing me a favor. She's even said "if you do what I say, maybe we will end up having more sex". Which feels like blackmail to me. When we do have sex, she enjoys it immensely and I can tell that it's not fake. Once sufficiently aroused, she is very aggressive, so I just dial back a bit and let her take it from there, and it is great too.
> 
> Maybe OP's husband has some similar issues, or some thing he is worried about like how he would do.


If this is a game between you and your wife, and you are ok with that, then that's fine, to each their own. But if your wife is doling out on sexual gratification based on what you are doing for her...I hope you start considering options to stop that. Manipulation like that in a relationship is awful.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

From what I've read here, I am still of the opinion that he has performance anxiety, which causes ED. Why he has that anxiety is still up in the air. It can be a quick fix IF he is willing to admit to it, AND address it. If he will not admit it, it will not get better on its own.

It is also my opinion that the fact he is MBing says it is likely not a physiological problem, and likely a major contributor to his ED. He definitely should stop the MBing if he is to get over the performance anxiety.

I think you missed a good opportunity to make your point about how his lack of desire is affecting you, and your marriage. Chances are he already knows that it is a problem for you, but doesn't realize just how "big" a problem it is. Maybe the crying alone will be enough to open his eyes to how this is affecting you, if you will talk to him about it rationally. I would open up a talk with him, and tell him why you were crying last night, and let him see the hurt. Maybe it'll hit home.

I do, however, like your analogy. He might get the point if you made the comparison, but chances are it won't sink in unless you are willing to separate yourself from him over it, and actually follow through. Some (who's kidding, MOST) men are too thick-headed to really "get it". It's sad, but a reality.

The point is, you have to put the ball in his court to act. He "should" stop the MBing first to see if that helps. The next step, if it's not helping, is to see a doctor. It "could" be low T, but at his age, it would be pretty rare. There are, however, other health problems that can contribute to, or cause ED, such as diabetes and hypertension. I would have a full blood screen, along with checking T levels. The doctor can determine whether the cause is a health problem, and treat accordingly. If he is healthy enough, the doctor can also give samples of Viagra, Cialis, and / or Levitra for the short-term to help him overcome any anxiety about sex. He may even have samples for him to try, but you'll have to actually ask in most cases. The prescriptions are very expensive, which can be a major drawback for some people. I would most certainly get a written prescription and shop around.

If he is unwilling to make the changes necessary to preserve the marriage, then you have every right to move on. If it truly is a case of LD, he will never get it, and that is where you have to figure out whether it is worth it to stay. Being sexually incompatible is a major contributor to divorce rates. 

Cherr88, don't give up easy. Do everything you can if you truly love him to preserve the marriage. I pray that he will do what needs to be done, too. If he doesn't do his part, you have every right to move on. Life is too short to not be happy.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
its difficult to stop. The LD doesn't care if sex goes away. The enjoy it, but are happy to do without for an unlimited period of time.

The HD can withhold other things, threaten to leave etc - but that is variations on "blackmail". 

The HD can leave - and in many cases that is the right answer. Relationships are multi-dimensional and may be very good in other ways. 




Herschel said:


> If this is a game between you and your wife, and you are ok with that, then that's fine, to each their own. But if your wife is doling out on sexual gratification based on what you are doing for her...I hope you start considering options to stop that. Manipulation like that in a relationship is awful.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> its difficult to stop. The LD doesn't care if sex goes away. The enjoy it, but are happy to do without for an unlimited period of time.
> 
> The HD can withhold other things, threaten to leave etc - but that is variations on "blackmail".
> ...


I am not specifically talking about LD and HD. I am talking about sexual manipulation and using as a device to get your way.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Cherr88 said:
> 
> 
> > So..thoughts? Am I going to look desperate and weak by approaching it this way?
> ...



Well I shot him a text letting him know that we need to talk when we both get home tonight. He asked me what it was about, and I told him that it's something we are not going to avoid anymore. I'm really done tip toeing around this, I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells. Hoping for a positive outcome, or at least some answers!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Cherr88 said:


> So last night, after I could tell it was going nowhere ("I don't feel good" and farting smh, while staring at the tv) I rolled over and started quietly crying. Pathetic I know, but it seems to be happening more and more lately. Except to my horror, he realized I was crying this time. He tried to ask me what was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him, so I just said "nothing". Then he says to me "your weird" and "you seem like a grumpy old lady at night lately". Well I wonder why!! I have literally gotten up and slept in our guest bedroom about 3 times in the last two weeks because I'm just so hurt and don't even want to be around him.
> 
> It really clicked with me, that this man has no idea why I'm so withdrawn and pissy lately. It's been about 4 months since I had a huge meltdown with him over sex. I wanted to bring it up again so badly lastnight, but I bit my tounge because I looked vulnerable and weak. I want to make sure I can come across confident and understanding.
> 
> ...


I think his reaction to your crying is also concerning. I understand it would be frustrating to have someone cry and then say "nothing" is wrong, but to turn it back on you and tell you that you are grumpy, when you're CRYING, seems weirdly manipulative to me.

Though I do think you need to be more clear and honest with him.

(Of course one also wonders why there is any mystery as to why you are crying when you ask for sex, he says no, then you turn away and cry. Also, how is it that you have slept in another room 3 nights and he hasn't investigated why? Weird.)

ANYHOW - I have not read this entire thread so my apologies if this was already discussed, I did see something that indicates he does masturbate. 

His symptoms sound to me like those of a man who is addicted to porn. Apparently they actually find masturbating to porn more pleasureable than having actual sex. (It's a lot less work and the imaginary women are/do whatever you want.) I've read a lot about men who use porn never wanting sex with their wives. 

Read this - the very first paragraph sounds exactly like your first post to me: The Scourge of Pornography by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I like your idea of writing a letter because it sounds like discussing this does not end well. I would snoop to see if he's using porn if you don't already know and let him know gently but firmly that you simply are not willing to continue living in a sexless marriage and masturbating and porn should be off limits when he's never in the mood to be intimate with his wife.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cherr88 said:


> I don't want pity sex from him, that he feels he needs to do it to shut me up. That's not pleasurable for either of us, I need spontaneity and passion/ for him to want it and be present. If I wanted sex with a robot, I would just whip out my vibrator. I believe in my heart, that he wants it but it afraid of failure.



Many men complain that they do not want pity sex from their wives either, so THIS is a very common phenomenon. In my opinion, *rejecting pity sex* is just as damaging to your partner's sexuality as it is to the person who believes they are receiving only pity sex. 

Odds are your husband has low self esteem about his ability to please you, this in turn gives him anxiety. Then when he musters up the courage to try even though he can't get himself into the game, you send him back to sit on the bench. 

You need to let him try and allow him to fail miserably WHILE letting him know it is just important for him to keep trying and learning. Work on his self confidence. Show him what you like and try to make it very easy for him!!!!

My sex life used to be the opposite of yours in that my wife NEVER would initiate, try anything, or show any interest. I would get frustrated and reject pity sex. I got creative and decided to use pity sex as a way to build her self confidence. I would begin by fantasizing about my wife for a good part of the day and get myself worked up hours before we even engage in foreplay. By the time she touched me out of pity I was already orgasmic. Needless to say this did wonders for her self confidence! She responded very well sexually to this and it has lead to her now taking the initiative and doing things that she enjoys. 

So if your husband likes football and you want to be his coach in the bedroom. You have to start by making it super easy for him, and expect him to fail. Try to set things up so that failure can even be fun. Tell him you want him to stimulate you on your clit very gently with a flaccid penis (because it feels softer that way or something) and that he should NOT allow himself to get an erection. Pretend to get upset when he gets hard and ask him to make it go soft again! Get an ice cube ready on standby if you need it. THEN when he can't make his erection stop, you move onto the next exercise, and that is grinding with ample coconut oil but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he allowed to let his penis slip inside you!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

nirvana said:


> And that itself is a form of selfishness.
> My wife is similar and her excuse always is tired, busy, kids, work, cooking etc etc. All reasonable, but this is the case all the time for years.
> 
> I wish my wife was like the OP. My wife never initiates. Ever.
> It's a form of selfishness and manipulation.


Give the OP children, and she'd be a lot more tired too.

And I think we've established that most LD is not done out of malice (aka - selfishness and manipulation). It's just done out of being less interested. The LD thinks the HD is the one being selfish, pushing their sexual desires on an unwilling partner.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you need to just be straight with him...no walking on egg shells. You need to just say 'I'm not happy, and here is why....' No threats, but just a simple...'here's why...' If it doesn't change for whatever the reason, you will have to decide if you can live like this forever. That's the option before you. Either he has a medical issue that is causing this, or he has performance anxiety, or he has a porn issue that you know nothing about. But, something is causing it, and I feel badly for him if it is something he simply can't control, but still...you will have a choice before you if nothing changes. Hope things get better. ((prayers))


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you need to just be straight with him...no walking on egg shells. You need to just say 'I'm not happy, and here is why....' No threats, but just a simple...'here's why...' If it doesn't change for whatever the reason, you will have to decide if you can live like this forever. That's the option before you. Either he has a medical issue that is causing this, or he has performance anxiety, or he has a porn issue that you know nothing about. But, something is causing it, and I feel badly for him if it is something he simply can't control, but still...you will have a choice before you if nothing changes. Hope things get better. ((prayers))


Agree with this.
Talk to the man honestly first.


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> nirvana said:
> 
> 
> > And that itself is a form of selfishness.
> ...


I have an 8 year old son, and was a single parent for 5 of those years. I am exhausted thank you very much, but never too tired for sex.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Yes -this is the key. The LD and HD have very different ideas of what is "reasonable". Each thinks the other is being selfish.

My wife thinks sex once a month is reasonable and is willing to do a huge favor by stretching it to once a week.

I think sex every day or two is reasonable and feel frustrated that it is only once a week.


This is why its so important to understand sexual compatibility before getting married. 






Hopeful Cynic said:


> snip
> And I think we've established that most LD is not done out of malice (aka - selfishness and manipulation). It's just done out of being less interested. The LD thinks the HD is the one being selfish, pushing their sexual desires on an unwilling partner.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

realising that women like being told what to do in the bedroom was one of the greatest discoveries I ever made in my life. xD


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## Cherr88 (Apr 5, 2016)

Oh ya know, it just turned into a huge blowout. It got completely off topic, that this or that is going on and stressing him. I made sure to reiterate that while I understand that, the topic of conversation is our sex life and I'm not going let him keep avoiding it. 

Bottom line is that he has performance anxiety, and I came across as understanding as I possibly could. I let him know that I don't expect this huge performance every single time. And then he made me realize that I need to work on some things too. I'm not affectionate enough with him and I know I'm not but that's bc I've been resentful. Apparently it's something he's really been needing from me. 

Marriage is hard


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Yes -this is the key. The LD and HD have very different ideas of what is "reasonable". Each thinks the other is being selfish.
> 
> My wife thinks sex once a month is reasonable and is willing to do a huge favor by stretching it to once a week.
> ...


I made moves on my wife last night and then as expected she was evasive and then I just gave up and tried to go to sleep. Then she got angry (why was she angry, she got what she wanted - no sex) and began to tell me how tired she was, how much her eyes burned etc. Then this morning, she was in a bad mood, and on a call as she drove to work began to scream about how selfish I was to want sex when she did so much work and was so tired.

I don't think an LD problem can be solved. Maybe there is a chemical way by pumping the person with some hormones or something.

You are right, LD and HD have totally different ideas of what is reasonable. She can easily go for weeks without sex but for me, I would love twice a week and if that is not possible, once a week. 

So many men complaining about this makes me see that something changes in a woman after she has kids and kills her libido (for most women). Society then blames the man for complaining and holds him responsible for the woman not wanting sex.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I told you it sounded like performance anxiety. The thing is, once it starts, the wife usually compounds the problem without even realizing it. She tends to let her frustration take the forefront because she doesn't understand it, manifesting itself by showing resentment, in turn making her less affectionate and more icy. These are only add to the stress factor, and that is not conducive to helping a man get over the performance anxiety. It only exacerbates it. It's a cycle that has to be broken repeatedly over a period of time for the effects to be permanent, in my opinion.

I can understand it from a woman's point of view, but communication and understanding the problem are the keys to overcoming it. Being affectionate doesn't mean it "has" to lead to sex. For a man, the idea of feeling wanted always helps in that it reinforces his desirability and strokes his ego. And as you all know, men DO have egos.

As the saying goes, "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."

Try actually hearing what your man says, not just listening and getting defensive. Do as he asks, and then see if it works. If it doesn't work go to the next step, a doctor's visit.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Now that sounds like classic LD. My wife does the same. After weeks without sex she will ask me why I seem unhappy. I'll tell her and she will apologize for being "tired" (or whatever the excuse of the day is), then try to make up fro it some other way (which of course doesn't work). If I get really upset / angry she will change for a few months, then drift back. During the arguments she will argue that I like a child wanting dessert all the time.
> 
> I'm convinced that LD people at a very basic level can't understand that sex is important to others because it isn't important to them.


Richard, you married to my wife? My words exactly!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

It could be performance anxiety. And for us guys, if we feel that we are not doing it right, it turns us off sex. 

Years and years ago, right after my wife and I got married, and we began having sex, I was having trouble entering her. Lack of experience and anxiety. That turned me off sex for quite some time and we did not do it. I got better and learned how to better pleasure her and enjoy myself that I began to enjoy it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

skimming thru this thread, i would say the whole LD thing boils down to a very few possibilities:

1) their hormones are off, and the woman need bioidentical seeds or the man needs T shots

2) they really do not want sex (maybe never really did) and you just chose poorly when getting married.

3) they hate your guts, and are on the way out the door. you just did not figure it out yet.


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