# why am i so afraid of him?



## supermom (Dec 19, 2008)

I am a little embarrassed about posting this, because from previous expience i have gotten my head bitten off for even considering divorcing my husband for my own benifit when i have kids but i really dont know what to do. 

Let me start out say, I love and care about my husband very much, and he is very good for me in alot of ways. But area certain aspects of my marraige that make me miserable:
FIRST: I am the only one who shows any interest in our relationship
SECOND: He doesnt comunicate with me, and makes all decisions on his own about finances and such.
THIRD: He doesnt seem to be very interested in me yet says he deosnt want a divorce. He doesnt talk to me, hang out with me, have sex with me. We dont even sleep in the same bed. 
FOURTH: He can be very verbaly abusive. If i mention being unhappy about anything, he calls me names and turns everything around om me and I end up apoligizing
Fifth: We moved accross the country for his job, and he wont let me visit my family, and if any of them come to visit me he humiliates me by being rude and ignoring them. I feel like he is trying to control me in a way.
SIXTH: He wasts so much money and I dont know how to talk to him about it because he screams at me if i try to discuss anything that has to do with him doing anything wrong. I am very careful not to accuse him or blame him. I try to beat around the bush as much as I can as to not make him angry, but I feel like his spending is taking away from our kids. 
SEVENTH: I dont spend ANY money on myself, and anytime I do he makes me feel really guilty about it and then goes out the very next day to spend twice as much on himself. 

Oh my i suppose i could go on and on....i am trying to sound like I am just complaining about him. I am just so frustrated. I feel like I am the only one who cares about our marriage. I am constantly trying to make him happy, and tiptoeing around his moodyness. But i am so drained. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I love him so much and want so much for this to work, but I am out of ideas, He wont communicated with me and is beginning to walk all over me. All I want him to do is put in some effort. But he puts in none. He doesnt care if im happy, he doesnt care about my feelings, and i am constantly trying to think up ways to fix our relationship, but when is enough enough. I feel like if I stay I am just abusing myself. 

Problem is, I have no family in this state and no friends. I am 2 months pregnant and I have no job. We live in a very sacluded military area where there is no work for me where i could support 4 kids. My family lives out of state and i could get a good job back home, but not only is that impossible considering he would never agree to let me move that far away with our kids, and I really wouldnt want to take my kids that far away from him. 

If we didnt have kids I would have left him years ago, But i am so used to putting up with all this that I try to just ignore it. But why should I be his doormat. I love him, but I am tired of beating myself up all the time and turning myself inside out to make him happy, when he notices nothing i do. He wont do counsiling, and i cant MAKE him care.

I am a part time nursing student trying to get as much school work done as I can with three young kids running around here, but it is hard for me to take much more than 2 or three classes at a time. I probably wont be done for another 5 years or so with my RN, and for now am just trying to stick it out until then. Does anyone know of an alternative solution? I cant save any money because I have no access to any. I feel so stuck! Ugh, someone please give me some advice. I would much appreciate it! Sorry if i am all over the place, i am a little burnt out at the mome

Sorry this is so long, I know all of this probably sounds stupid.


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## Kat_88 (Dec 19, 2008)

omg you have alot on your plate.... i noe you have alot to think about esspecially being a mum but u shud consider involving your family for help and support. having kids as you say makes it alot harder. but i believe you need to have your family close to help and support you.i think you should stick to your studies aswell..


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## supermom (Dec 19, 2008)

Kat_88 said:


> omg you have alot on your plate.... i noe you have alot to think about esspecially being a mum but u shud consider involving your family for help and support. having kids as you say makes it alot harder. but i believe you need to have your family close to help and support you.i think you should stick to your studies aswell..


Thank you so much for your reply. I do feel overwhelmed right now. I dont really have a supportive kind of family. They are not very good at staying in touch with me, and I really dont think they would help me at all anyway. Plus, its a little embarrassing especially since I am supposed to be the one who has it all together (my family is a bit of a mess if you hadn't guessed). I appreciate your reading my post and thank you so much for your advice, i will think about talking to my mom about all this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

supermom said:


> I am just so frustrated. I feel like I am the only one who cares about our marriage. I am constantly trying to make him happy, and tiptoeing around his moodyness. But i am so drained. I feel like I have nothing left to give.


A lady once told me never to do anything that makes me feel resentful. It was hard to do. so often I did things because if i didnt, i would feel like a mean person. But i stopped doing things that made me feel resentful and you know, I started to feel better. even though i would get the guilt trip sometimes, and i felt like a mean person, eventually those feelings faded and i felt stronger saying no, and doing what was best for me.

If you're tired of being the only one working on the marriage, then stop. Stop trying to make him happy. Stop tiptoeing around him. Work on giving yourself what you can give yourself now, not what would be ideal or perfect, but what can you do today to feel a little better then you did yesterday? And forget about trying to change him. at least for now.


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## supermom (Dec 19, 2008)

I dont resent him. Treating him the way he treats me only makes things worse. Its just something else he can throw in my face. I always tell him he should have been a lawyer. He can manipulate me in to apologizing for things i did or said three years ago, or when we were first dating." The problem is, he actually believes I am wrong every time, no matter what, he can do no wrong. It must be nice to be able to be so easy on yourself, thats what i think. The fact of the matter is, at the end of all this I want my slate to be clean. I dont want to be guilty of treating him badly. I take pride in being a good wife and mother. I have to hang in there till i find a way out or he will just make me miserable anyways. If he even senses that I am mad at him about something he will start in on his debating. And because i financially depend on him right now while I am going to school, its a battle I cant win. I am just looking for a plan for a way out. Or a way to get through to him. Anyone out there know someone who is a debater, who always has to be right? He never listens for communication reasons, he only hears me so he can twist my words around, or make fun of me for being sensitive.

as for what i would do to make things better. I wish I could be stronger, I wish I could stand up to him without worrying about the consequences. I told him I was leaving a few months ago and he just asked "what do you wanna do with the kids?" I was like freal? I want to take them with me if you would let me go back home where I can get a job to support us. He agreed! The next day when i was printing out my resume, he said he wouldnt let me take the kids back to kansas, and that he was sorry and he loved me and wanted another chance. I was dumbfounded, that man hasnt apologized to me once in 6 years! I knew it would only last a week or so, and he was really pleasant a couple weeks and then back to the old crap. The way he treated me those two weeks is the man i married. I miss him! But it sure felt good to tell him what i was thinking. I wish I could do that everyday, not just once every few years. When did i turn into such a pushover. I was never like that before I got married. I feel like I lost my backbone!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

supermom said:


> Anyone out there know someone who is a debater, who always has to be right? He never listens for communication reasons, he only hears me so he can twist my words around, or make fun of me for being sensitive.


Ya my H always has to be right. So does one of my sisters. She loves to use the phrase, "Well _they_ say..." I used to try to get her to understand how stupid she was but now, i just joke with her and ask her if by "they" she means wikipedia (I've decided that "they" are wikipedia.) I heard a quote once that was so funny, and true. "Never argue with a stupid person. They'll bring you down to their own level and beat you at their own game."

I dont argue with my H anymore. he's not stupid, however, just manipulative. i tell him how i am feeling and when he does turn it around on me, i dont try and argue with how he is feeling. I tell him Ok, that's how you feel, and this is how i feel. i guess we arent going to resolve anything today.


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