# Wish I had some support



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

hey ladies,

I'm a newbie here but I wasn't sure of where else I could go to for asking advice. I would appreciate advice given here, and am mostly seeking support or ways to gain support.

My husband and I have been through some hard times since we've been married. He's been unemployed and well...it sucks! He's been unemployed for a year and unfortunately I seem to be getting alot of judgment. Especially from so-called "friends".

Some of these friends tell me that I should get a divorce-- it seems that the first thing I am told is to get a divorce RIGHT AWAY without exhausting other options. I don't think divorce should be an option I consider right now because for one, we are both seeking counseling together and he is still looking for a job. What's a big bummer is that the job market is very tough right now-- extremely! I know other people who can attest to that. It's not as if he is being lazy, has no desire to ever work a day in his life again, or thinks that I will always work. However, alot of my friends don't believe me. Some of them have even accused my husband of abusing me, which has NOT happened at all!

Because my husband has been unemployed for so long, the judgment I get ranges from "well I bet you wished you had waited to get married" to "goes to show how you just can't depend on a man anymore." I even have one friend who will make rude and snide comments to me that are actually more hurtful than anything else. It's starting to make me very angry.

Neither my husband nor I ask for this to happen. We aren't happy this happened and we're not being lazy about the situation either. He's doing what he can and I am doing what I can. There is only so much control we have over the job market. 

I wish I could get more support from others who are supposed to be my friends. Not that I want anyone to feel pity for me, but to be like "hey, if you're stressed, do you want to hang out?" or "if you ever need to talk, give me a call". These friends know that I'm not going to whine to them or beg them for money, but it doesn't help me for them to tell me that I am a loser, that I am being a doormat wife, or to ask snide questions like "what? you aren't happy? well of course you aren't." 

How do I call them out on their rude comments? Should I even bother? This whole situation has made me realize who your "friends" are and who your REAL friends are.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If he doesn't work, how does he get money? Is he disabled or something? what does he do all day long?

If he's doing nothing all day... when he could be.... there is something very wrong. Maybe why people are saying things...
maybe he is out chasing woman and you don't know about it?


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

He has unemployment benefits, where he had to really prove that he was looking for jobs and still has to be accountable to the unemployment office to prove that he's actively looking for work. He doesn't sit around all day at home-- he's out looking for jobs. And when he IS at home, he is the one who takes care of alot of the chores so when I get home, I don't have to. It wasn't always like that from the start, but the past several months have been a big improvement.

Oh yes, he could be out chasing women...wow:scratchhead: Is this what everyone thinks when they hear about someone's husband becoming unemployment? I wonder if people would say the same if I were the one unemployed and he wasn't. Do you honestly think that most single women would even be interested in an unemployed man? Really?

Honestly, I don't know how much more I need to defend myself or him because this honestly is a hard period in our lives, and certainly a learning period.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sounds like you need new friends. The job market is bad. I feel sorry for anyone who loses a job now. No...if you are in counseling then things are not that bad at all.

Give the man a break already. If that is all then you can definatley work this out. Maybe he needs to go back to school.....there are a lot of options now....help should be out there.

This is the test.....and for better or worse....this is your test. You made the vows....and unless he is cheating or abusing you, then nope....leaving would be wrong. divorce would be wrong.

Politely tell your buddies...(cause they aren't friends) that you honor your wedding vows. And that divorce simply isn't an option. "No, I don't wish I had waited. I wish that the economy was better. I wish you were more suportive...but my marriage is sacred."

Exit ....stage left. That is our cure for everything today. If it gets hard...leave. Stupid people. Work...work...work. Marriage is work until you have no other options. hang in there sister. You got the right attitude. If you need to relieve stress...post on here. You'll find plenty of us with situations that need advice and it helps to help.

Keep up that counseling.....as long as you have that going for you...you are still in the game. Love and prayers.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I’m curious, why do your friends behave this way. If your husband is actively looking for work and is pulling his weight at home in the duration why would people attack him. Sounds like he is doing the best he can on the job front and in supporting you at home. Did they dislike him from the beginning? Are some of these people family members that opposed the marriage in the first place? It just seems very odd. 

To answer your question, should you call them out when the make these comments to you. Absolutely. You need to defend yourself, your husband and your marriage. If they don’t like it and attack you or him further then dump them, they are not your friends.


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Imagine how he must feel!

Having once been the unemployed husband, I can tell you that the amount of disrespect given to working wives of unemployed husbands and the husband himself can be overwhelming. And its uncalled for.
If woman is at home, out of work, she is a wonderful wife. 
If a man is home, out of work, even caring for the children & cooking, he is a 'deadbeat' or a 'loser'. 
Not true!!

I would caution your friends that karma is a b#$ch! When I was out of work, at home, taking care of kids, cooking etc etc my wife's 'best' friend gave her mortal hell about me even encouraging my wife to leave me etc. That same friend ended up marrying a guy who once they got married left his job and hasnt held a steady one since. 

My advice, defend your husband. If your friends disrespect him they are really disrespecting you too. Get new friends.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I wouldn't ask my friends for advice in general. Overall I'd say most friends give bad advice. I'd be careful who I ask advice from. Too bad you dont have a mother or grandmother who is wise. My grandmother advised me very much in life.
She did not steer me wrong.

If he is looking for a job, I hope he finds one. He may have to take something with less pay for awhile until the economy gets better.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

preso said:


> I wouldn't ask my friends for advice in general. Overall I'd say most friends give bad advice. I'd be careful who I ask advice from. .


:iagree: 


These don't sound like very good friends. I would either cut of contact (because who needs that extra headache?) or next time they make a comment remind them that they're talking about _your husband_ and if they can't be respectful then you're gone. 

They seems to get something out of harping about how 'horrible' your h is _to you_... and it sounds like they're trying to make it worse.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

In my opinion, divorce is the final, last thing a person should do, not the first.

Marriage is not about money. Financial problems can put a lot of stress on a marriage, but it's something you work through.

What kind of friend makes snide comments to another friend? That person is not a friend at all. These friends sound very judgemental and superficial to me. 

I think it's time to cut these "friends" loose. Why waste time and energy on people who just bring negative things into your life?


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## jivey (Jun 18, 2009)

reesespieces said:


> He has unemployment benefits, where he had to really prove that he was looking for jobs and still has to be accountable to the unemployment office to prove that he's actively looking for work. He doesn't sit around all day at home-- he's out looking for jobs. And when he IS at home, he is the one who takes care of alot of the chores so when I get home, I don't have to. It wasn't always like that from the start, but the past several months have been a big improvement.
> 
> Oh yes, he could be out chasing women...wow:scratchhead: Is this what everyone thinks when they hear about someone's husband becoming unemployment? I wonder if people would say the same if I were the one unemployed and he wasn't. Do you honestly think that most single women would even be interested in an unemployed man? Really?
> 
> Honestly, I don't know how much more I need to defend myself or him because this honestly is a hard period in our lives, and certainly a learning period.


I understand what you are going thru. I am unemployed too its been close to 2 yrs off and on. Its been from lay offs and its not my fault for not looking I look everyday. But, i do make some money w/ my ebay store and PC shop.
My wife has a full time job she works for the state. I pretty much do all the work around the house. But, do the washing.

If you do not agree w/ your friends comments tell them to screw.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Bottom line is: if you don't mind, no one else should
but if you complain to your friends, better be ready for them to 
give advice, like it or not.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

I saw this study on 20/20 once about friends and strangers. They took student groups as friends and as strangers into a room for a test.

The proctor left and surprisingly, the scenario that unfolded was unexpected. All filmed of course.

The students were administered a test, not a real college test but one of IQ testing for money. The students would help a total stranger with answers to a test, but when it came down to their friends, they were mum to any help.

The psychologists said that the reaction was jealously and competitiveness. We compete with our friends and are jealous of our friends but a total stranger we would give our right arm to help.

Go figure the human nature.

You maybe experiencing some of the same with your friends. They maybe be stepping on you to gain an upper foot, to be critical of you, or you are providing the ammunition necessary for them to look better.

This is human nature proved thru expermentation. 

I would suggest you get support and help from strangers, clergy, counselors, on-line (like here) etc.

Only rely on your closest friends and family.

We as humans can maintain about three circles of friendship, inner circle, about 5 friends, next circle about 5-10 friends, then the outer circle of 10+ acquaintances. Anything beyond that is too much for the human brain to maintain.


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> Politely tell your buddies...(cause they aren't friends) that you honor your wedding vows. And that divorce simply isn't an option. "No, I don't wish I had waited. I wish that the economy was better. I wish you were more suportive...but my marriage is sacred."
> 
> Exit ....stage left. That is our cure for everything today. If it gets hard...leave. Stupid people. Work...work...work. Marriage is work until you have no other options.


:iagree: What else is there to say? If your husband is trying to find a job, helping with the house work and still showing affection to you, what else is there? It sounds as if your "friends" might be jackals in disguise. I'd say find people who would rather lift you up with encouragement and praise instead of voluntarily being downtrodden.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

First of all preso I don't "complain" to my friends. In fact, after my husband and I got married, I became more conscientious to make sure that we kept private matters private. I only confide these things to a couple of people-- both who are women who are have alot of trust in. One of these women has been through similar circumstances before and has never given me bad advice. 

My friends every now and then would become curious as to what my husband would be up to. A few months ago they had asked what he was doing and when I said he was unemployed they didn't really pay much attention to it. But it was recently that they asked again and when they began to probe more, they freaked out over the length of his unemployment and accused me of enabling him of doing something. Whatever that something is, I don't know. He isn't abusing me, abusing drugs, he doesn't watch alot of tv (it's getting bad for his already bad eyes), etc. He volunteers as well.

Unfortunately when you keep things private (whether or not it's warranted) people get curious and keep poking at you until they get what they want. That's how it's been for these friends. I even went out of my way to avoid another friend who thankfully, lives far away so I don't need to really have alot of contact with. But I choose not to engage in communication because I know what kind of judgment I'd get, the type of criticism, etc. I got enough criticism from this friend already for not being in grad school "by now" and how I am pathetic to still be in college at my age. (sigh). Hence, the lack of communication, but it's helped make life a bit easier. 

My friends don't dislike him-- but then again in the past when my husband and I were dating, they never really made an effort to get to know him or even take the initiative to keep in decent contact with me. I don't ask them for advice-- they are the ones giving it without my asking. And when I try to point out to them that my vows are sacred, my husband is doing his very best, he might be feeling unworthy, etc. they tell me "now you're just making excuses." Honestly the more I defend myself, the more I lose. I don't even know why I'm bothering with this whole credibility thing.

Like I said in my OP, I'm not asking for pity. But not once has any of these friends ever said "hey do you want to hang out?" or when they can see that I'm feeling stressed out about the situation, they've never said "hey you seem stressed-- do you want to ____ sometime?" or "I'm sorry this is happening to you two. I really hope things get better" or even a "Let me know if you need to talk." Not a single time.

These "friends" more so talk about how lazy, stupid, etc. my husband must be. They've even used the word "loser". Little do they know is my husband has been working since he was a child (for family) and continued to work every day of his life up until he was unemployed. They don't seem to care. 

hitched4ever, you are probably right. Karma IS a b!+(h though I wouldn't want to wish this on my worst enemy.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

reesespieces said:


> First of all preso I don't "complain" to my friends. In fact, after my husband and I got married, I became more conscientious to make sure that we kept private matters private. .



If this is the case, how do they know anything about your personal affairs?

Private means you should not discuss your personal affairs. 

I keep personal issues private too, not for the reasons you do, but no one, not family, neighbors, adult kids know anything about my husbands and my finances in any way. When anyone asks, I tell them its private.
Thus, no jealousy, no judgement, no fear of identiy theft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
qoute:
My friends every now and then would become curious as to what my husband would be up to.
~~~ Then tell them to mind their own business, learn to use boundries. If you don't say anything, they would not be wondering.
It's up to you to make personal boundries with family and friends.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

preso said:


> If this is the case, how do they know anything about your personal affairs?
> 
> Private means you should not discuss your personal affairs.
> 
> ...


So what would _you_ say to people who ask "so what do you do for a living? Oh, what does your husband do?" or "how is your husband's job search doing?"

Perhaps I should lie? From my personal experience, lying makes things much worse. When I'm asked a question "so what does your husband do all day" I don't feel the need to go into every nook and cranny to explain what he exactly does to look for work. I simply say "he's still looking" and leave it at that. I make it obvious when discussion of the topic is over from my end, but I cannot control others when they say "well obviously he's not looking enough" or "why doesn't he try this and that?" or "maybe he needs to..."

Saying "mind your own business" continues to feed the fire. If you were on their end, wouldn't you think that's a little strange to be so secretive? When I said private, I said private, not secret. I think it's okay to disclose certain details of your life, but that doesn't necessarily mean you spill the whole story. 

I don't think you seem to understand-- there will always be judgment because in honesty, hitched4ever made it clear-- people have certain expectations for a man and certain expectations for a woman. 

These people were what I thought to be friends, and at the time I did not know that they would be so critical or judgmental. I have been through worse circumstances before and they were nowhere near critical or dismissive. I was comfortable enough to tell them my husband was unemployed because I trusted them, and did not expect this behavior.


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