# Learning to Trust Again



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

I am struggling right now with learning to trust my husband again. Here is a little background so you know where I am coming from.

My husband is a man of high moral character. He is extremely conscientious and tries hard to be a person. Being good at everything he does is very important to him. As a result of some problems that we have been having for the past few years he feels that he is a failure as a husband and that is a very hard pill for him to swallow.

A few years ago he met a girl through a mutual friend. The two of them had a lot of common interests and befriended her, but, at the time, he felt that I would not approve of the friendship so he didn't tell me about it. He has a lot of female friends, all of whom I know and have absolutely no problem with, so I am not sure why he felt that way.

The circumstances under which I found out about this new friendship caused the whole situation to look incredibly suspicious. After I found out about her it came out that she was attracted to him and was constantly flirting with him and that was an ego boost for him. 

When I explained to him that the situation was suspicious he saw my point of view and immediately ended the friendship with her, upon my request. 

Although he adamantly swears that they never did anything but talk on the phone and he did all of the right things (ending the friendship) when I found out, that incident changed everything for me.

Prior to that incident I trusted him completely and the thought would have never entered my mind that he would ever cheat on me. It just is not in his character - or so I thought. It is very disheartening to discover that somebody you care so much about is capable of doing something that you never thought they would do.

That was 3 years ago and I have been learning to trust him again, slowly, since then.

Recently, it has come to my attention that there is now another situation where he could very well be cheating if he wanted to. There are no signs that he has cheated. To the best of my knowledge he has not lied about anything and nothing has happened, but the situation is such that the opportunity would be easily there.

Every time a question has arose in my head, he has answered it without hesitation. Everything he says to me makes total sense. I have even told him, flat out, that I was concerned about the opportunity for infidelity with this particular person and he has told me not to worry about it, that there is nothing going on and that I don't have to be concerned about infidelity.

The problem is that I am concerned about it and I don't know how to get past those feelings. I really want to trust my husband, but the mere fact that I have the thoughts that I have says to me that I don't trust him.

Frankly, there is nothing more that he can do to fix what is going on inside my head. He is answering all of my questions and he is showing no signs that he would be lying to me with those answers. I feel, at this point, that it is just a matter of blind faith. I have to put my faith in him that he is not cheating and not lying and I am having a really difficult time with that.

Incidentally, this is all coming at a time when we have just made promises to each other in an attempt to mend our slightly broken relationship. Things got so bad that he recently left home for three days to think about things. So now I am working hard at keeping my promises and hoping that he will keep his, and trying to move forward toward a happy future together.

These unrelenting thoughts running through my head all the time are not helping.

Any advice about learning to trust again after that trust has been shaken?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I'm in no position to be dealing out trust advice as my husband is in your position of not trusting me. As I think you've read in my posts, my situation is a bit different -- not potential infidelity but me choosing work over my husband.

Do you have the ability for ongoing, open conversation with your husband about your trust issues? You say that there's nothing more he can do now and that he's doing everything right. But you still must be struggling with the previous incidents, despite the fact that they are now "done." Your warning bell has been going off in your head and, whether valid or not, it's hard to ignore that and not feel uncomfortable. Maybe he needs to understand that it's not necessarily your concern about physical infidelity but also that which is emotional. Maybe you have some boundaries of which he needs to be aware that would help to increase your comfort?


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## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi Hopeful1, you are right. My warning bells are going off. Here are my main concerns about how to handle this situation with him...

1. He HATES talking. Nothing frustrates him more than when I tell him that I need to talk about something. If he had his way, life would be just one big party, everybody would just go with the flow and be happy and there would never be a need for serious conversation.

2. He does not respond well to boundaries. If I tell him I do not want him doing X thing because it brings up these warning bells for me, he will feel resentful because the thing that brings up the warning bells for me is something that he loves doing and feels proud of.

3. I am extremely cautious about rocking the boat right now because we just got past him leaving for 3 days to figure out what the future was going to hold. When he came back he said he was still unsure but we both agreed to just take it day by day and see if we can bridge the gap that has developed between us. One of the promises that I made to him is that I would try to be more easy going and lay off the questioning (which he views as nagging and takes to mean that he is a failure as a husband). I feel like bringing this up now would be going against that promise that I made to him.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just because he doesn't like boundaries doesn't mean you shouldn't set some. You cannot and should not sacrifice yourself and you mental health just because he won't like it if you say something. 

You feel he's being honest and has done all he can do to help you trust him; to a point, if trust has been lost, it's perfectly normal for him to have done all he can and you still struggle to trust him. However, if you having major doubts, you need to consider why. There must be a reason. 

I understand that things are unstable for you guys right now and you're afraid to rock the boat. The thing is, though, not talking about this, not clearing it up and making things better, isn't going to rock the boat, but it will create more problems. You might bridge the current gap, but not talking about this will create another gap. 

Being easygoing is one thing; letting your husband get away with things that are a big issue for you is something else entirely.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Just because he doesn't like boundaries doesn't mean you shouldn't set some. You cannot and should not sacrifice yourself and you mental health just because he won't like it if you say something.
> 
> You feel he's being honest and has done all he can do to help you trust him; to a point, if trust has been lost, it's perfectly normal for him to have done all he can and you still struggle to trust him. However, if you having major doubts, you need to consider why. There must be a reason.
> 
> ...


I agree with atruckergirl 100% on this one!


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

candice912 said:


> I agree with atruckergirl 100% on this one!





Trakeveth said:


> I am struggling right now with learning to trust my husband again. Here is a little background so you know where I am coming from.
> 
> My husband is a man of high moral character. He is extremely conscientious and tries hard to be a person. Being good at everything he does is very important to him. As a result of some problems that we have been having for the past few years he feels that he is a failure as a husband and that is a very hard pill for him to swallow.
> 
> ...


I have a big question for your husband. If he doesn't like to talk, then why does he have so many female friends? Everyone knows women need to talk and connect on an emotional level. Seriously, I'd love to hear his answer.:scratchhead:

Of course you can't trust him right now. He just told you that he's not sure. Maybe gets mad when you say you want to talk, but boy oh boy plenty of other women can talk to him? He is trying to act like the cool one at the party and you are the prision guard right now. That is called turning the tables, so that he can do what he wants without compromising with you. You have been more than cool to let him have all these female friends and freedom about it. I give my husband freedom too,but there are no secret friends.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Trakeveth, I could have written your letter 7 years ago when I and my now-ex husband were going through the same thing. I thought it was the things in my head negatively affecting our struggling relationship, turns out he never actually ended the innocently-flirtatious friendship. I was beating myself up for not regaining trust in him. 
I believed him when he said he was innocent and I treated him and our marriage like royalty while chastising myself for being too judgmental and untrusting. Hindsight's 20/20 and life can be a harsh teacher. They are now married and I didn't have to rebuild just trust in my husband, but trust in men period. I learned a very valuable lesson though, go with your gut. Never underestimate your God-given instincts. No one could have convinced me not to love and trust him at the time, love really is blind I guess. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Hopefully it will turn out better than mine did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Trakeveth,

I know how you feel inside. I gave you some advice already, but feel I want to be more clear since I understand the turmoil of trust inside your heart. I do give my husband all the freedom in the world. Let's be clear. Although he has some female friends, none of those does he hang out with alone. I trust him to go alone, but no such female that's not family lives near enough to make that happen. However, there was a woman I saw on his phone by accident one day. I knew all of his friends, but never noticed this name before. He said it was a friend, but he forgot to mention her and acted a little defensive when I admitted to reading the message. I swear it was the one time I ever touched his phone! This is why I tell you to trust your gut on this. It made me feel more uncomfortable, more suspicious that he was defensive, although I felt guilty for looking. Oddly, I only noticed that first message that just came in. I felt uncomfortable like you do. I was upset, but not sure why and feeling like a jerk to demand anything further. Well, the next day, I couldn't stand it. I said to my husband, Oh this girl that is your friend, could we go have coffee so I can meet her since she is just a friend? My husband proved innocent. He asked her and she dissappeared forever, not a word back. Since that happened, I felt uneasy. I also asked my husband to put his cell on the table. He did every day since and anytime since then. He has offered to let me read all his messages. He said he would do anything to reassure me, because he has nothing to hide. It was never my husband I feared, but instead this other woman, especially during a stressful time in our lives. My husband makes me more important than anyone else and we both agree to bann anyone who is not respectful and supportive of our marriage. I hope your husband does the same. BTW, my cell is always out too. We are open, but never snoop on one another, but we could. We always tell each other everything so there is no reason for snooping or fear.

It must be clear in your mind that you are the number one female in his life and faithful to you. What does he need all this space for anyway? If I tell my husband that somebody or something makes me uncomfortable, it's history. We have one simple rule: Everything and everyone must respect our marriage and not hurt either one of us or it's banned. Both my husband and I try to give each other space, but we seem to come back to each other like two boomerangs.


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