# Asking for help and advice



## 44RemingtonMagnum (Sep 24, 2014)

I have absolutely no idea where to begin. My wife and I have been married for five years and have a daughter who's almost 2. I consider myself a family man who would do absolutely anything for them and I believe my actions would support that. My problem, to make a long story short, is that I feel that my wife hates me and sees me as a disgusting, repulsive, loathsome pig. I've never felt so lonely in my entire life and I didn't think that this is what my marriage would turn into. I feel like the lowest form of life on earth and am so desperate for adult human physical contact that... I don't know. When I bring up how I feel, it always turns into a big confrontation that leads to talk of divorce and that's the last thing I want. I have no idea what to do.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Take her up on it and file for divorce.

Relationship/marriage that doesn't make you happy is one that you should leave.

Also sounds like there is no room for communication, without this, just forget about it.

Your wife sounds very VERY crappy.

Ask yourself, do you want this FOREVER?

I wouldn't.....but I'm simply going based on what you stated in your post (which is very little and EXTREMELY one sides <<<<<which is very suspect). Cause everyone here knows it takes 2 to tango.

PS. I would also recommend that you get rid of your guns. You sound very down and depressed. DO NOT make any big lifetime decisions during times of great depression OR happiness. This guy explains it better https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBpuLlw4Xjs


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you need to make a long story long. Why do you feel the way you do?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 44RemingtonMagnum (Sep 24, 2014)

We don't keep guns in the house. Of course I'm being one-sided. I'm not saying I'm the world's most perfect husband but - I sincerely believe I am trying my absolute best to make my wife happy. I'll try my best to make a long story short.

I do 100% of the cooking at home. I do 95% of the cleaning. I take care of all household maintenance and everything else that comes up. We are probably close to 50-50 when it comes to our daughter with diapers, food, etc. We both work full time and up until very recently I was working two jobs for 60+ hours per week but still taking care of everything at home. In addition to this, I help a friend of mine with his landscaping business in my little spare time for my own spending money.

What do I do with this spending money? My wife took my daughter to visit her parents across the country last year and when they came back there was a new washer/dryer, new fridge, new blinds on the windows, I replaced her windshield on her car, bought her a PlayStation, flowers, blah blah blah. Then a few months later I made arrangements with my sister to look after our daughter for a night in a city of around a 3-hr drive away and we spent the night in a theme room at a nice hotel with the whole package - hot tub, etc. Beforehand I had also made arrangements with her best friend, who she hadn't seen in over a year but lives close to the city we were traveling to, to meet us for dinner with her husband, which was a complete and total surprise. The results were disastrous.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here - just trying to say that I sincerely believe I am doing everything I can to make this work. This is on top of all the random back massages, flowers for no reason, girls nights out that I stay home and take care of our daughter. Am I the world's greatest communicator? Of course not. But I'm not the worst, either. I don't drink and I'm home every night in time to make dinner. I've never cheated on her or abused her in any way.

So what's my point? I do not want to divorce. I love my daughter and my wife more than anything and I want us all to be happy. My parents divorced when I was four years old due to my father coming out of the closet after having five kids with my mom. I want my daughter to grow up with two parents and not have to witness some of the things I had to as a child. I want my wife to not have to be drunk out of her mind before she will touch me and to not turn her head away from me in disgust when we're in bed. And I just don't know what to do to be a better communicator. I'm just looking, I guess, for a different perspective and some advice. It took me a long time to register for this forum and to work up the nerve to write about this here.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Start off with Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.

Next No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

Don't let her know what you are reading. 

These two books will answer your questions and open your eyes.

You are doing it all wrong.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you feel like pond-scum because your wife doesn't want sex with you?

First off, people rarely want sex with someone they don't respect. You seem (based on your version of the story) to be doing everything while your wife reaps the benefi of being married to a cook, maid, ATM, etc. She doesn't need to change her behavior, and in fact, it works in her benefit if she treats you like scum, because the worse she treats you, the more you do to try to woo her back. Pretty soon, you'll be buying her a new car just so she won't kick you in the nuts. 

My advice... Read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". Let us know if you relate. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

44RemingtonMagnum said:


> We don't keep guns in the house. Of course I'm being one-sided. I'm not saying I'm the world's most perfect husband but - I sincerely believe I am trying my absolute best to make my wife happy. I'll try my best to make a long story short.
> 
> I do 100% of the cooking at home. I do 95% of the cleaning. I take care of all household maintenance and everything else that comes up.


Why? You should only do 50% or around that #.

Why have you enabled your wife to do 0 on those ends?



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> We are probably close to 50-50 when it comes to our daughter with diapers, food, etc. We both work full time and up until very recently I was working two jobs for 60+ hours per week but still taking care of everything at home. In addition to this, I help a friend of mine with his landscaping business in my little spare time for my own spending money.


So you have a history of working WAY too much and now are STILL working too much.

How much time does that leave you for family. How much time does that leave you for MARRIAGE (you and your wife)?

ESPECIALLY with your side business as well.

Marriage needs daily/constant TIME dedication. So does family.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> What do I do with this spending money? My wife took my daughter to visit her parents across the country last year and when they came back there was a new washer/dryer, new fridge, new blinds on the windows, I replaced her windshield on her car, bought her a PlayStation, flowers, blah blah blah. Then a few months later I made arrangements with my sister to look after our daughter for a night in a city of around a 3-hr drive away and we spent the night in a theme room at a nice hotel with the whole package - hot tub, etc. Beforehand I had also made arrangements with her best friend, who she hadn't seen in over a year but lives close to the city we were traveling to, to meet us for dinner with her husband, which was a complete and total surprise. The results were disastrous.
> 
> I'm not trying to toot my own horn here - just trying to say that I sincerely believe I am doing everything I can to make this work. This is on top of all the random back massages, flowers for no reason, girls nights out that I stay home and take care of our daughter. Am I the world's greatest communicator? Of course not. But I'm not the worst, either. I don't drink and I'm home every night in time to make dinner. I've never cheated on her or abused her in any way.
> 
> So what's my point? I do not want to divorce. I love my daughter and my wife more than anything and I want us all to be happy. My parents divorced when I was four years old due to my father coming out of the closet after having five kids with my mom. I want my daughter to grow up with two parents and not have to witness some of the things I had to as a child. I want my wife to not have to be drunk out of her mind before she will touch me and to not turn her head away from me in disgust when we're in bed. And I just don't know what to do to be a better communicator. I'm just looking, I guess, for a different perspective and some advice. It took me a long time to register for this forum and to work up the nerve to write about this here.


Very little time investment into your family or wife will pretty much ANYTHING else you might do well.

Forget about your kid when making divorce decision. They will be fine. Remember, your kids are not only watching but absorbing EVERYTHING around them. Your unhealthy/unhappy current relationship = normal relationship.

Do you want them to learn/apply this to THEIR relationship in the future?

Your child will be fine as long as you and your wife remain in their life and be loving parents!!!

This should have absolutely NO play here.

CLEARY, you need to figure out/ask your wife why she hates you so much, or what the disgust is all about. There is some resentment there.

Hard to address an issue when you don't know what it is.

Forget about the books recommended above. Stand up to your wife and confront her. Grow a pair of balls and be a man. Your wife is clearly taking you for granted and you continue doing crap SHE should be doing. 

She is using your niceness against you. 

What are you going to do about it?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How were things while dating? Shortly after the wedding? When she got pregnant? Immediately after birth?

What does she do that makes you feel the way you do?


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

Looks like you've enabled her and she is taking you for granted. She doesn't know what it would be like without you. Start making her do more chores, and stop spoiling her as it is just making things worse.

I have see two marriages that sound just like yours, and the husband always ends up with the short end of the shaft once it goes into the courtroom. Basically both wives brought them to the cleaners when they did nothing during the marriage and just sat on their butts and watched soap operas.

Stop enabling her and make her find some self worth for herself as she is probably depressed as she has no purpose in her life.

Whether that is helping out and doing philanthropy or part-time job. Something that engages her and helps her accomplish something. Many men that are busy at work and spoil their wives with monetary gifts do not realize that is not all to what makes a woman happy. She has to have some self worth.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you feel like pond-scum because your wife doesn't want sex with you?
> 
> First off, people rarely want sex with someone they don't respect. You seem (based on your version of the story) to be doing everything while your wife reaps the benefi of being married to a cook, maid, ATM, etc. She doesn't need to change her behavior, and in fact, it works in her benefit if she treats you like scum, because the worse she treats you, the more you do to try to woo her back. Pretty soon, you'll be buying her a new car just so she won't kick you in the nuts.
> 
> ...


THIS...she doesnt think of you as her husband...you are her houseboy.

:iagree:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

There is a huge power differential in this marriage...and I think you are trapped by I think what some other would call "unspoken contracts or agreements?"...something like that. Basically, by your actions, you have agreed to do all of the cooking and cleaning and she has left you to do it. Nothing will erode her respect for you more...especially as you are under the impression that that will warm her heart...it WILL NOT.

One would think that she would appreciate your hard work, but instead you are getting the results of her not having any respect for you. Your assessment that she thinks poorly of you may be accurate. And I am sure, by now, you are seeing that your present behavior is not doing anything to improve the situation.

I recommend looking into the texts that others had mentioned. This is a respect issue. And her respect will only alter when you dig deep and start doing some self-confrontation about you present behaviors that are chipping away at her respect and igniting her contempt.

I am not saying that her responses are acceptable, BUT they are common responses for women who somehow had lost respect for her husband. You boxed yourself in a corner, so you must get out of it...developing behaviors that garner self-respect, her respect, and highlights your masculinity. Take care of this soon...as you are in emergency recovery mode.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

44RemingtonMagnum said:


> We don't keep guns in the house.


Keep them in the garage?? 

Not much use if they are not handy!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

44RemingtonMagnum said:


> My problem, to make a long story short, is that I feel that my wife hates me and sees me as a disgusting, repulsive, loathsome pig.


well, what does she really think?

Is there ANY basis for her feelings? Are you corpulantly fat? Do you not shower, never change your shorts? Is she an outgoing person and you are introverted?

If there is a basis for her feeling, hit the gym, hit the clothing store, dump the video games, whatever, and improve your game--either for her or for your NEXT GF.

If there is no real basis....then you know this more than I, it is all on her. Why does she have this bad image of you. Sounds like you are a hard working guy, holding down a job and doing all the heavy lifting at home. 

Marriage counselling??


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

44RemingtonMagnum said:


> My problem, to make a long story short, is that I feel that my wife hates me and sees me as a disgusting, repulsive, loathsome pig.


This problem usually presents itself at year 4-7 (7 year itch) for the Average Married Chump (AMC). Quit being the AMC and start building your Sexual Market Value (SMV).



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> When I bring up how I feel, it always turns into a big confrontation


Women grind their teeth when men start talking relationships, regardless of what you might read in any thing written by women. A man doing this demonstrates lower SMV, which leads to the woman being even more repulsed and disgusted than she was before.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> that leads to talk of divorce and that's the last thing I want. I have no idea what to do.


This is another demonstration of low SMV. Women are not attracted to men who want to cling to them. By doing so, you are showing you have no options, due to your low SMV. Women want high SMV men, so guess what? Demonstrating devotion to her is repellent. Very elementary.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> We don't keep guns in the house.


And why is that? Sounds crazy to me. Where I live you aren't quite a man if you don't wear one under your coat.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> I do 100% of the cooking at home. I do 95% of the cleaning. I take care of all household maintenance and everything else that comes up.


Your man card was revoked long ago. Being her maid, won't get you laid, as you should have noticed by now. You doing all that is disgusting to a woman. You are chick repellant.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> We are probably close to 50-50 when it comes to our daughter with diapers, food, etc. We both work full time and up until very recently I was working two jobs for 60+ hours per week but still taking care of everything at home. In addition to this, I help a friend of mine with his landscaping business in my little spare time for my own spending money.


Those aren't really attraction builders. Plus you aren't ever around. And that's probably why the affairs started.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> What do I do with this spending money? My wife took my daughter to visit her parents across the country last year and when they came back there was a new washer/dryer, new fridge, new blinds on the windows,... all great gifts to wife...The results were disastrous.


By "disastrous" I take it you mean you did not get any action from your WINO.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> just trying to say that I sincerely believe I am doing everything I can to make this work.


See, what you're doing is all a huge sexual turnoff. It might work with women on TAM, but I'm talking about your wife and the majority of women who are exactly like her. Her behavior is very much part of the script. 

How long are you two together and how old is she?

When did the sex stop?



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> This is on top of all the random back massages, flowers for no reason,


Demonstrations of low male sexual value. Your wife thinks no other woman will have you and she sees your attentions as proof.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> *girls nights out that I stay home and take care of our daughter. *


What? You are sh!tting me, right? How often does this event occur?



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> I don't drink and* I'm home every night in time to make dinner.*


Are you putting me on here, bro?



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> I've never cheated on her or abused her in any way.


That's her department.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> My parents divorced when I was four years old due to my father coming out of the closet after having five kids with my mom.


I'm not PC, dig? This is a big part of the problem for all AMCs, but in your case, you've been dealt a bad hand in spades.



44RemingtonMagnum said:


> I want my wife to not have to be drunk out of her mind before she will touch me and to not turn her head away from me in disgust when we're in bed.


We can get you there, man (if you're willing to put in the work), but realize that when we do, you're going to have many younger, hotter women coming on to you every day. Plus, once you find out where your wife is getting her needs met and by whom, you may find it's _your_ attraction that is waning.


The first step is rule out an outside man. Your wife is showing all the signs. Does she keep her phone on a tight leash?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You already told us why she loathes you.

The problem is you think these are things you are supposed to be doing to make her love you, but it is having the opposite effect.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Have you figured out who the other man is yet? 

Mach was right, but if she loathes you this much I think there has to be even more to it than what he has explained to you. You need to immediately rule out if there is another man, then go from there. 

Two decades ago I was in a situation very similar to yours. I found out later that there was another man and it caused her to act out PRECICELY like your wife. 

Has she changed any of her grooming/dressing habits, or sexual practices lately?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Mach was right, but if she loathes you this much I think there has to be even more to it than what he has explained to you. You need to immediately rule out if there is another man, then go from there.
> 
> Two decades ago I was in a situation very similar to yours. I found out later that there was another man and it caused her to act out PRECICELY like your wife.


Acting out, yes. Cheating, no it is not _caused by_ such bad husbandly behavior. Just to be clear that if his wife is or has been cheating it is not OP's fault. He does get blame for mistakes he made even if they were done with the best of intentions. Thus, don't kick yourself OP too hard for your mistakes.


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## 44RemingtonMagnum (Sep 24, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Keep them in the garage??
> 
> Not much use if they are not handy!


I keep them at the gun range. Storage and transportation rules are pretty tight in Canada.


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## 44RemingtonMagnum (Sep 24, 2014)

Wow. This is a lot of information to process. To be honest, I'm almost through reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and I have to say that not just most but ALL of what he writes about in that book is what I see happening. It's all true. Everything I do is an effort to win approval. When it doesn't automatically happen, I do get resentful and sullen but don't say anything about it. I didn't realize the human psyche was such a complicated and chaotic mess, but until you see it spelled out for you in plain English, you have no idea what's happening. You see yourself as just a guy trying to do what he thinks is best for his family with what he knows, and in my mind I try to do whatever it takes to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. You just think that as long as you do everything for everyone, the love and adoration will just happen naturally, when it's apparent now that it's the opposite that happens.

I've never put much thought into what might have happened early on in my life to have made me the way I am; I've always considered myself a "get over it - man up and look after your family, everyone had a ****ty childhood, so quit your whining" kind of person.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Start sniffing around. I smell another man and I am in another country.

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once you start finding red flags, read the top link in my signature and implement.

and still....

DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT SUSPICIONS WITHOUT ABSOLUTE PROOF. She will turn anything less than that on you and make you look like the azz.

"Golly honey this looks bad" is a disaster

Sliding a folder with a phone trail and a picture of the OM paperclipped to the corner and "Do you have any idea what it is like to know MY wife is fvcking Chad Bunghole in MY house on MY bed while I am at work last Tuesday at 2PM..." that works


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