# messed up situation



## davedavid (Jul 3, 2012)

No idea where to start, trying to calm myself down to maybe confront,

situation : Myself and fiancee of 3 years (going out for 6), with 3 yr old
we moved for a year to another country to visit my family, she's been very lonely and I can't say I was great at providing support at certain times, we are moving back to her home in a week or so, and going to live with her parents for a few weeks, until we get ourselves sorted back there. Now the past few weeks she's been acting a bit strange/distant, we'd both had flus and busy at work, and organising the move and I thought it was that, but after it kept going on, I did something I was ashamed off and logged into her email a/c. She left the password saved on my laptop a long time ago.

I found her reaching out to an old male friend, who lives an hour or so away from where we are going, her emails were suggestive (she says she is open for possibilities), she also never mentions my existance, she mentions our daughter a lot but implies that she and her live alone. She has dodged any of his questions about how often our daughter sees me etc.

Now I'm really lost at the moment, I know we've had a tough time of it but she's always been very clear if I strayed that it would be the end of things, and I may have had an EA at one point myself when our daughter was born, though I didn't realise that was what it was until afterwards, and I completely pulled away from it as I saw where it might end up and didn't want that.

So we have a week until we have a long flights as a family and I have to move in with her parents for 3 weeks, any advice on what to do? I know we'll probably need counselling but can't really organise anything until we get to the other country, should I have counselling setup before I confront? I also know for a fact if I confront she'll divert onto me reading her emails, even though I know she did the same thing to me years ago, except I actually never sent any emails or hid anything.

The other thing I'm contemplating is sending him a private email explaining my existance and asking him to back off, but I'm not sure if that'll backfire on me or not,

This looks like a good site so any suggestions are welcome, even just writing it down has helped me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You probably won't like what I'm about to tell you but if I were you, I would break the engagement. Your fiancee has emotionally disconnected from you and has emotionally and sexually connected to another man - that explains why she didn't mention to the OM (other man) that she was engaged to be married.

I do agree that contacting the OM to tell him that he has been communicating with an engaged woman is a good idea. If she is lying and deceiving you, why is it so farfetched that she is doing the same to him?. Expose her also to her family.

I know you have daughter with her but that shouldn't stop you from moving on with your life but keeping your relationship with your daughter intact.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are not even married yet and she wants to connect with someone else even if it is not on a physical level is really a bad sign for a very rocky marriage.

This should be the time when you are really tight with each other, emotionaly, physicaly and that is not where you are headed. Take a step back and try to look at the big picture.

Sorry you are here and posting about this stuff.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

davedavid said:


> The other thing I'm contemplating is sending him a private email explaining my existance and asking him to back off, but I'm not sure if that'll backfire on me or not,


Well, first off be VERY grateful that you are not married. You will get to keep your belongings and won't be on the hook for alimony.

Next, don't go on the trip. Why spend three weeks with a bunch of people who are going to be completely out of your life soon? I don't know if you can get a refund on the ticket, but see if you can.

If you do decide to go on the trip, just play it cool and act like everything is fine--you have a long plane ride back with this woman.

Don't contact the guy. Instead, see if you can track your fiance's whereabouts. If you could somehow find out where she is going, take a cell phone video of her going into the guys house, then you're golden. Don't worry about her trying to shame you for invading her privacy. That's bull**** that cheaters use to try to get you to feel like you're in the wrong.

Again, be glad you aren't married. I'm sorry for your kid though, as they seem to be the ones who take the brunt of these breakups.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Confront her now. Confront her but do this in a very calm, enquisitive manner, like a total non-believable "finding", like you stubbled upon this news (accidently- so she cant' turn the conversaiton into "oh you are spying on me"!!) Normally I wouldnt suggest to confront now, but your situation is different as you both are playing to move in week. Action needs to be done now. 

I would listen to what she has to say regarding the whole thing, only then will you know your next step.

Also, after you confront your woman, confront the man and allow him to understand the situation she is in. Best of luck and do keep us posted.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay whoa yes they are not married but his is a long term relationship. while it is an EA, the amount of time you two have been together makes this as close to a marriage as it can be. 
This is a complex situation, but there are some simpe answers. 
1st ask yourself is it worth the effort to reconcile? if not then proceed with cutting her out,moving out,and getting close to your daughter. if so, then confront immediately and see if she wants to stay or go.

2. if you decide to stay and confront ask yourself is she remorseful or is she blame shifting, gas lighting, or rug sweeping.
if she is remorseful and you want to stay then go IC and GC.
if she is not remorseful then pack her bags and get close to your daughter.

that imo is th only logical step forward at this point. don't wait because your are giving OM time to wedge himself between you two. 
She has to be the one to change not the OM. She needs to break it off and go NC. If you do it she will just hide it from you. also if you consider marriage i would get a prenup and if you think it necessary go through with it.
She had to be the one to get out otherwise she will still be attached to the other man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Just my two cents. If you suspect there's something "wrong" and you are being left out in the cold in regards to it, you had best get things ironed out before considering matrimony. I know now that here were signs that I chose to ignore in my relationship with my ex and I ended up paying dearly for it.


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## davedavid (Jul 3, 2012)

just some info, I can't get out of trip really, I'm not letting my daughter go to the other side of the world without me, and this trip is one way, its not that bad for me from that pov, I have work/friends in that place as well.

the other is in the country where we've spent most time we are considered a legal defacto couple with all the rights and responsiblities of being married except we don't have to diviroce.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Dave, confront now, worry about the trip after. By her reaction, and statements you then plan your next move. I cannot assume what her reaction will be when confronted, but let us know and we can best guide you with the next steps.... but it is important you do not let another day go by without confronting, cause your time is short (1 week) from your trip.


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## davedavid (Jul 3, 2012)

so I did it, and she tried her best to twist it, but I kept calm, she blames me for a lot stuff that happened years ago and I think we let some stuff rot instead of going to counselling then, so we aren't sure if we left it too late, but we've agreed to a few weeks apart to see how we feel, and I think we've both got a lot of things to think over.

I'm not sure how I feel, I'm just working on getting somewhere to stay as I don't think staying at her parents is going to help much, its going to be hard living apart from my daughter especially the first night.

I also expect she is just biding her time, to meet up with the OM anyways, but at least I'm a lot more prepared to move forward now I know our position and its out in the open.

Dave.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Hi Dave, so she openly stated she was chatting with this guy without any remorse? Who is this guy, is he married? and what are her feelings toward him? 

Agreed for a few weeks apart? Is she doing this because of issues with you and her, or because of him? Hold on now, so you are going to move to another country with a woman who wants time apart from you already when you guys move? To me this is a reciepe for disaster so she can have that free time for the OM.

You must stay at her parents, you must get her parents on yourside (by exposing your wife's behavior to them) and inform them you want nothing but to keep your family unit together.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Why are you moving back to her home town? You never mentioned that part. Also, since she is openly engaging in a EA now, that could positively lead to a PA when she lands back home, could you possibly stop this trip happening and explain to her parents why/what she is doing (so they are supportive of your actions, as the head of the family unit).


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