# Trouble in Paradise



## nononana (Aug 29, 2009)

Not sure where to start. I am 26 and recently married, but have been with my husband for 7 years. We have a really great relationship except for when it comes to our sex life. I feel a lot of it is my fault. When we first dated, I was a fiend to the point where I would exhaust him. A few years in, things started to dwindle down and I just attributed it to losing the fizzle. However hings have gotten really bad. We are lucky if we do it once a week and I never initiate. Part of the issue is when he started complaining, I started to grow some resentment. It is now to the point where I get a physical reaction if I feel like I might want to initiate because it feels like I am "giving in" to his pressure. It is like a wall I can't pass over. I am lucky because he is very attracted to me, my husband is gorgeous, like a model, so it is not him either. It is embarrassing because I am young, we are fitness professionals so we give off this facade of young, fit and virile, but the biggest issue we have is sex. I know he feels rejected, but I can't explain to him why this is happening. He asks me to tell him what to do, but there is nothing I want him to do but leave me alone at this point. I think I might be depressed, but I am too embarrassed to see someone at this point (coming from a Psych major, haha). Not to mention, it is not cheap.

Well yesterday I had my period and when he brought up sex I told him so. It like opened the floodgates: He asked if we could have a "open marriage" first jokingly, but then it turned into an argument. He says that for a guy sex is just sex and it is driving him crazy that we don't do it. He just needs a release. I always thought that open marriages weren't that big of a deal, but when I was confronted with it, I said h3lls no! He said he was just being open, because he is coming to his wits end. I suggested therapy, but he said I should just go alone because it won't fix anything. 

We haven't spoken since yesterday, he is just ignoring me...I understand my role in this in a huge one, but I just don't know what to do. I know if I initiate sex now, he knows it is only because I feel threatened and not because I genuinely want to do it. I also have orgasms and all that, so it is not about me not being capable of being pleasured, there is just an inherent lack of desire. I could go on and on, but this is already too long...any advice would be appreciated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is totally normal to get into a cycle of "he is angry" because he feels rejected. And you find his "pressuring" you to be a turn off and it makes you resentful. 

Do you really still love this man? Because there are lots of factors but one of them is this. If you really love him you will understand how bad this is making HIM feel. And you will make some effort to work towards a compromise where you work hard on letting go of your resentment and he learns to not pressure you, get so angry when you are not in the mood.

I only said the girlfriend thing to my wife ONCE in 20 years. And I meant it 100%. He likely does as well. 







nononana said:


> Not sure where to start. I am 26 and recently married, but have been with my husband for 7 years. We have a really great relationship except for when it comes to our sex life. I feel a lot of it is my fault. When we first dated, I was a fiend to the point where I would exhaust him. A few years in, things started to dwindle down and I just attributed it to losing the fizzle. However hings have gotten really bad. We are lucky if we do it once a week and I never initiate. Part of the issue is when he started complaining, I started to grow some resentment. It is now to the point where I get a physical reaction if I feel like I might want to initiate because it feels like I am "giving in" to his pressure. It is like a wall I can't pass over. I am lucky because he is very attracted to me, my husband is gorgeous, like a model, so it is not him either. It is embarrassing because I am young, we are fitness professionals so we give off this facade of young, fit and virile, but the biggest issue we have is sex. I know he feels rejected, but I can't explain to him why this is happening. He asks me to tell him what to do, but there is nothing I want him to do but leave me alone at this point. I think I might be depressed, but I am too embarrassed to see someone at this point (coming from a Psych major, haha). Not to mention, it is not cheap.
> 
> Well yesterday I had my period and when he brought up sex I told him so. It like opened the floodgates: He asked if we could have a "open marriage" first jokingly, but then it turned into an argument. He says that for a guy sex is just sex and it is driving him crazy that we don't do it. He just needs a release. I always thought that open marriages weren't that big of a deal, but when I was confronted with it, I said h3lls no! He said he was just being open, because he is coming to his wits end. I suggested therapy, but he said I should just go alone because it won't fix anything.
> 
> We haven't spoken since yesterday, he is just ignoring me...I understand my role in this in a huge one, but I just don't know what to do. I know if I initiate sex now, he knows it is only because I feel threatened and not because I genuinely want to do it. I also have orgasms and all that, so it is not about me not being capable of being pleasured, there is just an inherent lack of desire. I could go on and on, but this is already too long...any advice would be appreciated.


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

Take it from me...don't take your spouse up on the open marriage request...it will ruin your life unless you're one of those exceptional (and I don't mean better than...) couples that aren't bothered by their spouse f*cking someone else.

And yes, the war of the angry versus the pressuring is a hard one to win...you two have to find a way to back down and investigate what your two hangups are in sex. As a book I'm reading (Passionate Marriage) says, you have to put the beauty into sex...if you approach it with just your sex organs, then all it is about is trading orgasms and getting off...but when you do it with your heart and let your partner inside your walls, then it is about being close and in the moment together.

Are you two so close that it may be unhealthy? Are you secure enough in yourselves to say what you believe without needing to have your partner's approval?


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2009)

Yeah, open marriages should be kept in the fantasy realm. We discussed it once, never went beyond that.


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## nononana (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks for the responses.

Not me oh: It is funny that you mention the closeness thing. We run a business together, spend a lot of time together. We really are best friends. However, I do believe that his role as my boss has an effect on our relationship as it is hard to feel romantic towards someone you also associate work pressure with. I also do think that I cared less about what he thought and was way more free spirited in bed when we first dated. It feels like the more I know him, they shier I feel about those things...which seems counterintuitive to me. 
We are working on getting me free from the business so we can get back to just being husband and wife and purely enjoying each other's company.

Also after I posted this, I read around and realized I have to actively work on things and I have to break this cycle. He and I talked about it. We had sex two days in a row. We talked about what the other could do to make them happy. He did express that he would like me to be more vocal (going back to the whole me pulling back the past couple of years). I do agree we need to work on getting that "it" factor back. Both he and I just use sex to "get off". That can only last so long before it loses it's luster (at least for me). 

I think the open marriage thing was a desperation plea and I agree that it doesn't really work. We can watch porn together if we need a third party. I hope we can get things back on track:scratchhead:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

20 years ago my wife taught me a trick. She told me that her "baseline" desire level for sex was zero most days. So she said, let me teach you how to get me from a zero to "hot and bothered and ready to go". For us it was a combincation of non-sexual massage, sensual massage, slow foreplay. But the key was it made it possible for us to make a huge step forward in this gridlock conversation about frequency. 





nononana said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> Not me oh: It is funny that you mention the closeness thing. We run a business together, spend a lot of time together. We really are best friends. However, I do believe that his role as my boss has an effect on our relationship as it is hard to feel romantic towards someone you also associate work pressure with. I also do think that I cared less about what he thought and was way more free spirited in bed when we first dated. It feels like the more I know him, they shier I feel about those things...which seems counterintuitive to me.
> We are working on getting me free from the business so we can get back to just being husband and wife and purely enjoying each other's company.
> ...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I think its great that you admitting to your part in this. You had a sex life that was satisfying to both of you and then you threw a wrench into it... thats how he sees it, as well.

He is the one who continued to be happy with the sex as it was, and you are the one who felt the need for change. HE is feeling rejected by you and you are feeling angry at his "pressure" to do with him that which you used to enjoy. 

You have changed the gameplan and if you are not willing to get back in the game, you may be sitting on the bench watching him get angry and frustrated and as he has done... proposing an open marriage. He was happy the way things were and you were too, until this happened.

FInd the real issue, and maybe you both can find something that is not "all the time" and not "none of the time" that you both can be happy with. What was it that made you want to have it less than you were? Maybe its something hormonal or physical/psychological. You did mention depression. If you have depression and are not willing to fix it (like you said in your post), then YOU are opting out of the game... and no wonder he is angry. You cant go from all of the time to none of the time without someone feeling rejected and resentful. Please think about it. 

You also said you are lucky to have it once a week. Do you want it more but cant or wont? Why? If you know its something he wants, then why cant/wont you give to him? Is he not giving to you in other areas? Do you have a resentment (even one that you may think is minor) not to do with sex? He feels shell shocked and rejected bc you were so hot and heavy and now basically nothing... try to see it from his side too, after you figure out what caused you to not want it the way it worked for you before.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Also one more quick point... Kyra Sedgewick and Kevin Bacon... 2 hot stars married for a long time. The secret to their success? Clean fights and dirty sex! No lie. Why cant sex be about getting off... you can connect while getting off! Its exercize, its messy, itis fun! It will help your hormone levels, so you dont need medicine... oxytocin does wonders for connection and feeling calm!


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Also one more quick point... Kyra Sedgewick and Kevin Bacon... 2 hot stars married for a long time. The secret to their success? Clean fights and dirty sex! No lie. Why cant sex be about getting off... you can connect while getting off! Its exercize, its messy, itis fun! It will help your hormone levels, so you dont need medicine... oxytocin does wonders for connection and feeling calm!


+1. Gotta love dirty sex.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Dirty sex is fun for sure


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## nononana (Aug 29, 2009)

You know, that is what puzzles me the most. I am not sure WHY things changed. I do think that if I continue to try to get my desire levels up and nothing changes, I will at the very least see my gyno about depression (she has mentioned it to me before, I guess A LOT of women go through it). I just want to try to fix it myself first. Maybe I have become asexual??? I just don't know. However, you are right, I have to take responsibility for this because it is not right to deprive him. 

Part of me thinks it is my personality. I get bored easily and need to be stimulated constantly. My fear is I just got that way with my husband. It drives me nuts because he is everything physically I am into in a guy, heck that is why I married him. It also might have been as I mentioned before, us working together and losing that "spark" as a result. I also don't feel as sexy as I used to, but I am going to try to change that by getting some nice lingerie...

I am trying to find the "why" because it would be a lot of help. As far as trying to find a balance, my husband is always game, he would be happy to do it everyday so it is going to be hard to strike a balance. 

I am also trying to get better at talking to him about it because I am more like the typical guy ( I shut down when we start having "talks") while he usually is very expressive and willing to talk...



Choose2love said:


> I think its great that you admitting to your part in this. You had a sex life that was satisfying to both of you and then you threw a wrench into it... thats how he sees it, as well.
> 
> He is the one who continued to be happy with the sex as it was, and you are the one who felt the need for change. HE is feeling rejected by you and you are feeling angry at his "pressure" to do with him that which you used to enjoy.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is a certain "edge" to an aggressive guy. It makes you want to avoid making him mad. It can make him "interesting". Did your husband have this edgy masculinity when you met him? When you dated, did he "stand up to you" when he thought you were wrong/being nasty? 

Does he still have that edge? Does he still say things like "hey this is important to me - so MAKE it important to you". But not in a whiny way. In a strong way. And not necessarily about sex. About "anything". 

Or has he gradually gotten nicer, more understanding. More like a "woman". I am not being mean here. I am really trying to help. There are "some" things a guy can do - that make him a better husband and don't kill the spark. But there are LOTS of things, the guy does them, might make him easier to get along with, but might hurt the "spark". 

Think about this. When was the last time you saw him in "conflict" with someone other then you. How did it go? How did you feel about it? 






nononana said:


> You know, that is what puzzles me the most. I am not sure WHY things changed. I do think that if I continue to try to get my desire levels up and nothing changes, I will at the very least see my gyno about depression (she has mentioned it to me before, I guess A LOT of women go through it). I just want to try to fix it myself first. Maybe I have become asexual??? I just don't know. However, you are right, I have to take responsibility for this because it is not right to deprive him.
> 
> Part of me thinks it is my personality. I get bored easily and need to be stimulated constantly. My fear is I just got that way with my husband. It drives me nuts because he is everything physically I am into in a guy, heck that is why I married him. It also might have been as I mentioned before, us working together and losing that "spark" as a result. I also don't feel as sexy as I used to, but I am going to try to change that by getting some nice lingerie...
> 
> ...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Since his desire is everyday and yours is not at all, would you feel comfortable with a few times a week? Or is having sex with him stirring up resentments? WHat are you experiencing during sex that makes you not want to? Does it hurt whereas it didnt hurt before? Is it boring you (as you said you get easily bored)? Are you on birth control pills? If so, were you always on them with him or is it more recent? Why dont you feel as sexy as you used to?


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## nononana (Aug 29, 2009)

MEM- I appreciate the suggestion, but he is super type-A, alpha male. So he will say what is on his mind and he talks about things openly, but he is not in the least bit a push over. Neither am I, so sometimes we can really get into heated fights. Unlike other people who can do the "make up" sex, I get pissed and it turns me off. Like we are just off the heels of a work-related argument and I am pissed off . I am beginning to think that this is what it is: working together has totally taken the steam out of us. He is an obsessive perfectionist and I am laid back. It does not mesh well and I am constantly being criticized for work that is not up to his very high standards. It is a cycle we are stuck in because I can't just pawn of my business responsibilities on someone else and stop working with him. We are trying to eventually do that, but it won't happen overnight. We see to much of each other and to much of it is related to the stresses of running a business. 

C2L- I don't experience pain, in fact I am one of the lucky ladies who can O whenever I want. However, I would say sensations have dulled overall so to speak. However, I have attributed that to my lack of interest. After all, the brain is the biggest sexual organ...I guess it is the issue of what came first the dulling sensation or the boredom? Not sure...


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

nononana - some different things you said are addressed in that "Passionate Marriage" book I'm reading. The therapist says that it is one of the ironies of marriages that problems can occur in a marriage as your partner becomes MORE important to you...when you're too close and not your own person, you don't feel like you can speak the truth with your partner because you fear their lack of approval / rejection...he calls it emotional fusion and breaking free of it being "differentiated." What you are describing as being bored all the time and needing stimulation...is that dissatisfaction with who you are as a person / partner and a need for someone else to fix you?

Glad to hear a woman like you say that she is emotionally a dude...that is what my wife and our therapist had to say 

What is this physical reaction you were getting when sex was proposed? My wife has had no interest in sex (until she started working out and decided she wanted to swing with permission...see my post in this forum about that), had it like mad, and is now back to zero. She really seems to react to me going down on her or taking too long with intercourse by getting itchy...funny, she could f*ck for multiple rounds with this guy she met during swinging but I only get one orgasm? Yeah, that's fair. I think her reaction is because she is physically there but not actually arroused...i.e. her body is not ready to receive me.

Definitely work on why you two have sex...don't let it be just about getting off...it is about being emotionally present and pushing yourself...don't let it be about doubting your performance or just trading orgasms.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You both sound like great people and a great match. 

How much impact would it have on your desire level if he was not being consistently critical of your work? Just wonderng.








Not Me Oh said:


> nononana - some different things you said are addressed in that "Passionate Marriage" book I'm reading. The therapist says that it is one of the ironies of marriages that problems can occur in a marriage as your partner becomes MORE important to you...when you're too close and not your own person, you don't feel like you can speak the truth with your partner because you fear their lack of approval / rejection...he calls it emotional fusion and breaking free of it being "differentiated." What you are describing as being bored all the time and needing stimulation...is that dissatisfaction with who you are as a person / partner and a need for someone else to fix you?
> 
> Glad to hear a woman like you say that she is emotionally a dude...that is what my wife and our therapist had to say
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What happens to your desire level if his highly critical behavior changes?






nononana said:


> MEM- I appreciate the suggestion, but he is super type-A, alpha male. So he will say what is on his mind and he talks about things openly, but he is not in the least bit a push over. Neither am I, so sometimes we can really get into heated fights. Unlike other people who can do the "make up" sex, I get pissed and it turns me off. Like we are just off the heels of a work-related argument and I am pissed off . I am beginning to think that this is what it is: working together has totally taken the steam out of us. He is an obsessive perfectionist and I am laid back. It does not mesh well and I am constantly being criticized for work that is not up to his very high standards. It is a cycle we are stuck in because I can't just pawn of my business responsibilities on someone else and stop working with him. We are trying to eventually do that, but it won't happen overnight. We see to much of each other and to much of it is related to the stresses of running a business.
> 
> C2L- I don't experience pain, in fact I am one of the lucky ladies who can O whenever I want. However, I would say sensations have dulled overall so to speak. However, I have attributed that to my lack of interest. After all, the brain is the biggest sexual organ...I guess it is the issue of what came first the dulling sensation or the boredom? Not sure...


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