# Do you accept that you both will be attracted to other people?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So spinning from another thread...I think we often go into relationship expecting that our mate will not only be monogamous physically but will also stop feeling attraction to other people, which, from a biological standpoint, is just impossible. We end up hiding or lying about our attractions to other people rather than talking openly about it, which can lead to other problems. What's the best way to deal with this? From my perspective, I don't want my SO to spontaneously come home and tell me how hot a girl at work is or comment on how gorgeous actresses are. But if he finds a girl at work attractive and thinks it might be a problem for our relationship, I want to know. If the attraction to the other woman gets him horny and he brings that horniness home to me, I think that's not necessarily a bad thing.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I concur with your opinion.

I don't have much to add except I believe that there are different types of "attraction." When we are in a relationship, do we stop noticing people who are physically attractive, good looking, handsome, pretty, in great shape, etc.? I don't think so. We are, after all, human -- and biologically hardwired to notice potential "mates."

But if you're talking about "attraction" in a "I would like to get to know you better" way, or wanting to spend time with another person to learn more about them, or feeling drawn to them, thinking about them, wanting to call or text them -- my answer is a resounding NO!

I can honestly say that I have not felt one iota of attraction for another man since I met my SO four years ago. I really don't even notice other men anymore 

If my SO finds another woman pretty, hot, good figure, cute, I honestly don't want to hear about it. He's a man. Men are visual. I get it. But if he finds himself "drawn" to another woman, d*mn right I want to hear about it!


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

On the one hand, it is indeed human nature to find people attractive. 

On the other, some people seem to look for it more than others.

As an example, there is a lady I work with. Hands down the most beautiful, feminine, perfectly dressed… woman I have ever come across in my life. And she is also very mature, smart and maybe the best worker I have ever seen. Am I attracted to her? Sure. Every single man she comes into contact with is. But she is also a devout Christian and even more so devoted to her marriage. In 12 years I have never heard her be anything more than pleasant and totally professional to any man. Never an innuendo. Never a smile at an off remark (in fact, she turns away from it). Never. Once. She has deep seated personal boundaries and sticks to them. So not everyone runs around being attracted to others.

So for me, it's what you do with your "attractions" that counts. Keep proper margins and boundaries and keep it to yourself.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Don't ask, don't tell. Look, but don't touch. If you find yourself developing feelings, extract yourself from the situation and try your best to get your head on straight. If you fantasize about that person, stop!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Depends on the couple.

My last LTR and I used to 'hottie spot' for each other when we were out in the car.

She'd spot pretty brunettes for me and I'd spot swarthy mechanics for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
I know my wife finds other men attractive and I enjoy kidding her about it. "we could go to dinner at the Italian place with the really attractive waiter.....".

She knows that I find other women attractive as well. 

No unreasonable expectations, no need for anyone to lie.


----------



## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

The day I stop noticing attractive women is the day I read my own obituary.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Waiters?

Mine'd decide something was wrong with the car and I'd have to spend an afternoon at the scrapyard watching her deploy an army of hunks on a quest for parts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Depends on the couple.
> 
> My last LTR and I used to 'hottie spot' for each other when we were out in the car.
> 
> ...


I knew a couple like this. And there's a part of me that envies the ability to do this - to tease my partner about his attractions and not feel threatened by them rather than be hurt by them. But I don't know how to get myself to that point or if I want to. The couple I knew that did this ended up cheating on each other.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

No cheating for us,, unless I'm wearing invisible blinkers. I thought it was hilarious,,, as did she when I 'struggled' to give worm pills to the cats so I could get our babe of a vet to do it.

It worked as a great bonder so far as I could tell. Probably more the laughing and teasing than the actual looking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The way I look at it is 'eye candy', and that's all.

I can go to a bar, look at a scantily clad young thing and drool a bit.
I leave it at that. I don't fantasize. I don't dwell on it. I leave and I don't allow myself to even remember.

Like looking at a ferrari. You look, you drool and then you leave. I'll never buy one and I don't even want one that bad.

It's impossible not to notice some good looking gal, especially if there's skin showing. But, I'll never allow myself to be in a situation where anything goes beyond looking. I don't flirt anyway, so I'll probably never get in trouble. If I have any kind of issue, I'll I need to do is get a mind picture of my sweet devoted wife and what it would do to her. That's it.

Problem is a lot of guys like to flirt and I think that's where we can (not necessarily will) get into trouble. Get that mental picture of your wife before you do anything beyond look.

As far as telling her you are attracted to someone (other than looks)? Shoot, I hope I never get there.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My current BF and I both comment on actors/actresses and such. Sometimes I will point out a hottie for him, sometimes he will ask me if I find some random dude attractive. I love this about our relationship because we can laugh and be open about it.

I don't love this about our relationship because he has admitted to be in the recent past that he's not as physically attracted to me as he used to be (he says he is still very much intellectually and personally attracted to me still.)

I don't have a huge amount of insecurity, but it does kinda sting a bit sometimes when he picks something the polar opposite of me to admit he's attracted to. If he points out a gal that resembles me even in the slightest way, its very validating. 

How is that for weird insecurities? LOL!


----------



## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Yup. We both will find other people attractive until the day that we pass. For me, it narrows down to respect. 

Remaining respectable about it.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

99 times out of 100 (not an official stat) the fantasy is better than the reality.

Cheaters think it's the other way around. Like serial killers,, chasing something that'll never meet their misguided expectations.

We're programmed to look. We're not programmed to interact unless we choose to. Might as well have a laugh about the bit we can't help doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If you don't accept it, you're a naive fool.

Nothing good ever comes from not accepting the inevitable.


----------



## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I fully expect her to find someone else attractive/sexy the same way i would admire a beautiful woman and take things no further than that it's just human nature.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Depends on the couple.
> 
> My last LTR and I used to 'hottie spot' for each other when we were out in the car.
> 
> ...


This is myself & Husband.... he is my Best friend ... I am His..we've always been very free flowing like this with each other.. it's just part of our personalities ..we share it ALL....we treasure that we CAN do this.. without funny looks or jealousy rearing... but this all comes back to how we treat each other on a daily basis.... having that reassurance/ validation flowing in your own love lives towards each other. 

One of his guy friends I used to find a hottie when we were all younger.....they built a truck together... this was never a threat... He married one of my friends...some of my friends thought my H was a hottie... they would joke about it around me.. I got a charge out of it [email protected]#.... The guy friend.. he has missing teeth, a beer belly today... running into them out & about.. I say "Happy I got you babe!"..

I know exactly the type that would turn his head ..I've pointed them out....he's never been the type to linger .. and me either.. but we both *LOOK*...why not!... I go for young lanky guys with long hair. (Rock star look I guess)... if the day ever comes where he doesn't notice the hot brunette in the bikini.... I'd probably make an appointment to get his Testosterone checked...that's just normal for a man.

And Me.. he's called me a "dirty old woman" on occasion with a .. .. we're perfectly fine with it, we watch porn together sometimes too.. it's all good. 

We've been together since dirt though.... he knows I am emotionally wrapped around every part of him.. I have no such attachments to any other man.. nor does he to any other woman.. there are no memories/ experiences ..our brains would not light up in the love centers on an MRI .. these are not threats to us..

And true.. if ANYTHING , or ANYONE was to be a seed of contention in our marriage, getting the dopamine pumping taking our energies away from each other, our consciences would be overloaded...we'd KNOW how WRONG this was, it would steal our Joy.... 

Yes...these need talked about... opened up.. this is about a willing transparency-because you love your spouse & want to make it right..... it can avoid many slippery slopes.. and also being careful - not to be alone / proper boundaries with anyone we fancy....
We need to set our affections on our spouses ...keeping the dopamine stirred at home.. water our own garden....but a little







when we're out & about..... it's a spice of life...


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

The question I'm asking is...do you talk about it? Have you had an explicit conversation about what you each do with the attraction? Or is it implicit in the implicit monogamy that you practice?


----------



## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> The question I'm asking is...do you talk about it? Have you had an explicit conversation about what you each do with the attraction? Or is it implicit in the implicit monogamy that you practice?


I give tasteful compliments. Not much more than that. I certainly don't tell my boyfriend what I would like to do to Norman Reedus


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Finding another person attractive and being attracted to that person are two different things. 

One doesn't need to spew every little thought that comes into their head so pointing out a hot guy/girl is immature.

Blathering on about someone (could look like the hunchback of Notre Dame) is indicative of being attracted to that person. Take notes when this happens.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't know how anyone can't accept this. Lots of attractive people in the world. Look but don't touch


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> The question I'm asking is...do you talk about it? Have you had an explicit conversation about what you each do with the attraction? Or is it implicit in the implicit monogamy that you practice?


I don't think its a problem to mention occasionally "holy hell that girl is hot" or whatever. But it should never be done out of spite or to make your partner feel uncomfortable


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> The question I'm asking is...do you talk about it? Have you had an explicit conversation about what you each do with the attraction? Or is it implicit in the implicit monogamy that you practice?


Don't really do anything beyond registering the 'hottie'. It's more about teasing each other and being free to acknowledge who you are - someone who likes the way another person looks.

Never gave it much thought cuz it never created a problem,, only fun.

Maybe it's a sign of a deep-seated insecurity I've never heard of,, but it felt liberating.

Certainly I prefer that to a potential partner banning me from watching Rachel McAdams movies cuz I said I like her dimples. That'd stifle my freedom of expression.

We all want to be understood,, but who's gonna understand us if we can't express who we are?

My GFs saying "He's hot" doesn't mean she wants to sleep with him. It's just an acknowledgement of eye candy.

Revealing yourself engenders trust and honesty,, and you don't give your SO a hard time for trusting you and being honest.

Prolly a cràp answer,, but if you will ask tough questions.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How exactly does revealing your thoughts that girls are hot engender trust and honesty? Not able to do the math here.

What engenders trust and honesty is your not acting on any fanciful thoughts. Your SO could probably give 2 shats what you think of another female. Just more white noise.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I knew a couple like this. And there's a part of me that envies the ability to do this - to tease my partner about his attractions and not feel threatened by them rather than be hurt by them. But I don't know how to get myself to that point or if I want to. The couple I knew that did this ended up cheating on each other.


I have insecurities about this now and then because of the cheating. But I think in order to get to that point of not feeling threatened you just need to accept the fact that there are other attractive people out there. At the same time remembering that you are you and there is a reason why your SO picked you.

Focus on getting that dopamine kicking instead. I know now that my gf will find someone "cute" but that's as far as it goes. I know she always comes back to thinking about me and us.


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I accept it, but I don't have to like it and don't want to hear about it.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> The question I'm asking is...do you talk about it? Have you had an explicit conversation about what you each do with the attraction? Or is it implicit in the implicit monogamy that you practice?


We allow ourselves to talk about attractive people. We do not fantasize about sex with others however.

I think it is healthy to be open about attractive people. They are beautiful after all. I even comment on men and she discusses women with me.

Nothing about wanting to have sex with them but it creates a very open and comfortable environment between us and it actually improves our intimacy, sexual and otherwise.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> How exactly does revealing your thoughts that girls are hot engender trust and honesty? Not able to do the math here.
> 
> What engenders trust and honesty is your not acting on any fanciful thoughts. Your SO could probably give 2 shats what you think of another female. Just more white noise.


So, my post about both genders expressing 'fanciful thoughts' becomes my thoughts about girls. If you change the equation to your own random design, your maths WILL suck.

Similarly, I made it pretty clear that we don't act on the thoughts, thereby engendering trust and honesty. EXACTLY as you've just agreed.

Effectively then, you've doubled the white noise,, pretended plagiarism is your own unique POV, demonstrated incomprehension of maths and based your crowning glory attempt at an insult on the subsequent miscalculation. No mean achievement. 

Gave your imaginary friend a giggle, I bet.

Bravo. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> How exactly does revealing your thoughts that girls are hot engender trust and honesty? Not able to do the math here.
> 
> What engenders trust and honesty is your not acting on any fanciful thoughts. Your SO could probably give 2 shats what you think of another female. Just more white noise.


Look.. try to look at it this way... it's a compatibility thing.. many feel as YOU.. and wouldn't want to hear this sort of stuff , you find it juvenile, immature, disrespectful.. I'm sure "asinine" is on your list too..and that's fine...it's even great if your significant other feels the same.. and you walk in it..good match!

But that doesn't have to mean the rest of us are crazy... if we are good with it..if it's not hurting us ...but we do find it liberating... we can even tease each other and have some fun with it...we just have a different dynamic ...we're not all the same.. you may not understand us.. but you don't have to down us for it...


----------



## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Firebelly (I like your username!), I have more or less accepted that this will be the way of things in any romantic relationship. I don’t like it but I accept it because I have to. Each of my relationships have shown me that no matter how deeply and exclusively I love them, it matters naught when more attractive alternatives abound. Now granted, I may be a tiny bit bitter about this subject given that my first partner cheated on me and my husband has openly ogled other women (including friends!) and prefers porn to me, so that does sour me to the whole “be secure in yourself, babe, oh and p.s. that girl’s hotter than you!” / “get confident, stupid!” way of thinking. Plus I’m horribly flawed and insecure, which is a killer combo and loads of painful fun… so there is that. 

Truthfully I think I’ve been unrealistic in my approach to romantic love. I wanted reciprocal, felt to the marrow, singularly devoted, all-consuming passionate love, which was naïve of me. I loved like a child. When I gave my heart…I gave it completely and loved so deeply it bordered on reverence. To the exclusion of all others…no other men existed, I wanted no one else, and I desired only my partner. Foolishly (unfairly?) I wanted a partner who would return this single-minded devotion. In retrospect, I think my notions of love were silly and should have been left in the fairytales where they belonged. 

So now I just don’t give a sh!t. I used to get jealous and red-hot enraged when my husband would “appreciate” the assets of other women (sometimes even expounding on their comeliness! Until I finally just ripped his tongue out and strangled him with it…. what?! He lived! And now he just taps out the Morse code for “holy merciful crap, did you see the tig ol’ bitties on that broad!?!  ) and I used to feel humiliated when he would prefer to play solos on his trombone while watching “Breast Side Story”, instead of making beautiful music with me despite my many overtures…but now…I literally do not give a fvck. And just to encourage my insanity (which needs no help!) my husband is now saddened by my lack of reaction to his attraction to others and the fact that I don’t care about his solo pursuits. Don’t miss your water until your well runs dry, huh, buddy?! Jerk. 

Anyway! As for me, as of late, my romantic notions on true devotion have loosened their stringent stranglehold on my heart and I’ve now allowed myself to find others attractive. I don’t eyefvck anyone or anything (except for Dean Winchester *le sigh*, but celebrities/fictional characters don’t count. He can investigate my haunted vagina (complete with cobwebs!) anytime he wants!!!), but I do now notice and acknowledge (if internally) attractive males. Like I couldn’t help but notice there was the most beautiful ******* Jesus in the parking lot of Walmart the other day…long honey-gold locks, divine facial hair worthy of a god, and a physique I’d kneel before every day of the week not only Sunday! When he got in his beater truck (complete with “truck nuts”!!) and cut me off to make a left hand turn out of the right turn lane….well, let’s just say I saw the light! I’m not dead yet; ******* Jesus resurrected this Lady Lazarus!!! 

In all seriousness, I don’t know what the “rational” response to the inevitability of attraction to others is within the parameters of a “healthy” relationship. For me, it used to hurt, now it doesn’t, and I know this correlates directly to my acknowledging that I may have to give up the ghost on my flatlined marriage. Even still I don’t think it’s kind or beneficial to elaborate on the attractiveness of others to your partner; I cannot see what good would come of this or how it would help the relationship or establish trust. But that’s just me and I’m totally FUBAR so, you know, my views on this are probably utter sh!t. I’m okay with that.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who's downing anyone? It must have been my imaginary friend. Asinine never entered my mind - curious that it entered yours.

The 'white noise' refers to chit-chat that goes in one ear and out the other because there is something more important being contemplated at the time.

If couples want to entertain each other with their thoughts on other people, that's their perogative. Have fun!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> Who's downing anyone? It must have been my imaginary friend. Asinine never entered my mind - curious that it entered yours.


 I was referring to you calling such people immature... if someone feels like that , they are making a judgement and yes, I see that as a downing.... if I called you insecure for how you felt, you would feel the same (and rightly so).... though I would never do that....

Because I perfectly understand that others feel as you and there is nothing at all wrong with it.. We're just different , our communication styles, how open we want to be.. that's all.


----------

