# How Do I Make Myself Want Sex?



## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

Let me start off by saying, I love my husband so much! He's tall, attractive, intelligent, sweet, cares about taking care of my needs in bed, well "endowed," an excellent and involved father, and my best friend. He regularly tells me how hot, beautiful, desirable I am. Since I am a stay at home mom, I feel it is my job to take care of the house, and any attempts by him to do any house work I take as an insult. BUT, he does help by changing the baby's diaper while I'm in the middle of, say, cooking dinner, or giving our three year old a bath while I'm dressing our youngest post-bath. We are a great team! 

We've been married for 9 years, together for 10, and we have four children, the youngest being 18 months old (so sleeping through the night, not as demanding as a newborn). I am not on BC or any other medication, and he had "the procedure," so no worries about surprise pregnancies in the future. 

Everything is pretty much perfect.

Now, after that big background novel, my actual problem is since the birth of our last child, my "drive" has been going down hill. We used to engage in relations at least 3 times a week (I used to REALLY like sex), now it's closer to once every three weeks, about as long as I can go without feeling bad about not having sex. 

I know sex is a man's way to feel close to his wife, something about oxytocin release after orgasm, and that's fine, I know I need to have sex to give this to my husband. I don't get gushy feelings about sex. For me, it's just a more time-consuming and difficult way to reach orgasm. And considering it take so much focus and energy to convince myself to get in the mood, and even greater effort and concentration to get to orgasm once we get going, it doesn't even seem worth it for me. 

My solution to my lack of drive was to have sex whenever my husband wanted to, no complaints, no excuses, just do it for him, because I love him and I want him to be happy. But it's not good enough any more. He says he wants me to enjoy it and wants me to want it. He has asked me to tell him what he needs to do to get me excited. I have no idea any more, the thought of sex period makes me feel burdened, and I feel even more turned off when he tries to get me in the mood with kissing and whatnot. I think kissing is gross. I used to only have a mild aversion to it, but now, ugh. Peck on the lips, fine, full out tongue or anywhere other than lips, eww. 

The usual suggestions, porn, romance novels, etc, don't do anything for me, and I have no desire to even masturbate. 

Every month, in the week leading up to when we finally have sex, I find myself searching the internet for the answer to "how do I make myself want sex," losing a lot of sleep over the stress of not wanting sex, and a LOT of crying. I don't normally cry, just when I'm feeling overwhelmed with frustration over my stupid, uncooperative body, and sometimes when I'm seriously resenting that my giving it up isn't good enough. He gets his orgasm, so why can't that be good enough!?

I'm so afraid he's going to cheat on me if I can't force myself to actually like sex. He says he'll never leave, which makes me think that that will make him more likely to cheat. 

So please, can anyone tell me how to force myself to like sex again?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Have you considered individual therapy?

There is more going on here than you are saying, perhaps? There is _nothing wrong with you.._ but maybe an external perspective with a pro could help root out, and perhaps rule out... some possibilities, and perhaps rule-in others..

your frustration is palpable.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How old are you?


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. I can't afford therapy, and I'm not sure how much good it could actually do since I didn't have any emotional or physical trauma that makes women hate sex. I've had a very safe, normal life.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm 29.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Have you gone to a doctor for a checkup? That would rule out anything physical.

Also, worked for me....but hitting the gym. I had more energy, felt better about myself, and it increased my sex drive.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Speaking as a man, I'll leave the mood boosting advice largely to the women. I would question a few things in your post though. 

Firstly, don't take him offering to help you with household duties as an insult. When someone is trying to offer you a hand, that's not an insult, at least not in this case I suspect. He wants to help you with your burden, and I'm sure you'd like to help him with his work burden if you could. He's just being a nice man and husband, so don't dismiss that to much.

Second, sex for many men isn't jsut about an orgasm. If it was, why would we get married? We can have an orgasm by ourselves, with a hooker, with a one-night stand, etc... It's moreso about the emotional bond built through the physical act of sex. To me, yeah the orgasm is great, but I get just as much out of feeling my fiancees body, touching her, enjoying the fact she's opening herself -physically and spiritually- to me in a manner only me and her share. That's way more emotional than 'getting your rocks off.'

There is a reason he waits and waits for you when I'm sure he wouldn't wait and wait for someone he was just starting to date. It's because he wants YOU, not just the orgasm.

So don't resent that about him. in fact, you have more grounds to resent him if all he wanted was to get a release, not want you for you.

My only advice to you is to sit down and make a list of anything he can do (sexually or otherwise) that would make you feel good. Something that can help build up those feelings. It could be physical, such as say a foot rub, or something just for the two of you, like a dinner out or a date night. Something to build positive feelings towards him in a romantic way. Often the romantic will lead to the sexual. 

Make a list of these things and let him know them. It gives you and him something to try and be positive about, and I'm sure the fact you want to try and correct this issue will go a long way to alleviating his stress and your concern over him cheating.

Good luck, and kudos to you for trying.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.

I work out 5 days a week, eat somewhat healthy, take my multi-vitamin and try to drink a gallon of water a day (I don't always make it, but it's a goal to work toward). I figured working out would increase blood flow and self esteem (not that I have a low self image, it's just something I read and I figured it can't hurt).


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you on the desire level. You are not alone!!! I think your husband needs to compromise with you right now. You are having drive difficulties so I don't think it's fair of him to expect you to downright desire sex and have to have an orgasm every time you have sex. Right now you have compromised in being willing to have sex with your husband even when you don't physically desire it. Tell him you are working on your drive and this is all you can offer right now. Tell him that you love him and that you want to make him happy. For now, that is your turn on and motivation for sex. IMO, it's just too much to feel pressured to have an orgasm every time you have sex when you are having drive issues. 

I do not desire sex very frequently at all. Maybe once or twice a month when I'm ovulating. But we do have sex more than that. I try to initiate and wear lingerie even if I'm not in the mood. But if he starts hounding me to work on having an orgasm, it's upsetting. Sometimes I feel like "hey, I'm giving you all I can right now. You got your orgasm. Please be patient with me for a while." 

I agree with anotherguy in seeking some counseling to see if you can sort out whether there are any underlying issues. I hope your desire (and mine) returns quickly!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

imthewife said:


> ...I'm so afraid he's going to cheat on me if I can't force myself to actually like sex. He says he'll never leave, which makes me think that that will make him more likely to cheat...


Dont overthink this.. this kind of circular reasoning isnt helpful.

It sounds like you have a fairly good relationship, besides this elephant in the room. Trust what he says.

He doenst know the extent of this for you obviously. Have you thought about enlisting his help here? You shouldnt be dealing with this yourself.

Not an easy conversation to start, I imagine. Ugh.

I agree about the docs visit for a frank discussion. Hormonal changes after kids can wreak havoc - and its worth looking into.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think there's a misconnection for women, in that they (as a whole, not all women though) equate an orgasm for being all a man needs or desires in sex. For many men, this isn't even half of the sexual act they desire in a marriage.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It almost sounds hormonal to me. As women enter their 30's their hormones begin to fluctuate. And even the pill could have done damage even though you are off of it now. Have you considered supplements to balance your hormones? If you're financially able you could go check out hormone replacement therapy to get your levels tested. A little boost of testosterone would bring you back to life.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

Kingsfan~~ I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him. Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him.


Pleasing a woman IS what it's all about for a man. It's like if he took you out to a fancy restaurant because he loves you and you didn't eat.

Same concept.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

imthewife said:


> I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.


Tell this to your doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you have expressed here and in your first post. He11 - print it out if its hard to say it might be faster anyway.

You obviously have put enough time and thought into this. Seems to me this is not going to be 'kids' or getting to the gym for extra energy or porn or date night. Your body, as you have stated - has changed. You have gone from loving sex and 3 times a week to ...well... this.

always listen to yourself. Dont be afraid of the doctor. If you get shot down, go for a 2nd opinion.

At least it will keep you busy... like you are working the problem.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Pleasing a woman IS what it's all about for a man. It's like if he took you out to a fancy restaurant because he loves you and you didn't eat.
> 
> Same concept.


I get what you are saying, and I agree and disagree. I definitely think there is a physical "need" as well. If pleasing a woman was all sex was about, why do most men get off on pornography?


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Kingsfan~~ *I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him*, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. *But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him.* Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.


Because you aren't emotionally close.

Think of it this way. You call your friend on the phone often to talk to her. Why do you do this? Because she converses back with you and it helps form a bond that builds the relationship. You grow close through communication.

If however you called her and all she did on the other end of the phone was go "Yep," "Uh-huh", "Ok," "mmmhmmmm", and never contribute to the conversation, would you get that bond you are seeking?

No, and likely you'd also stop calling her eventually because it's just a one-sided thing in which you are participating in the act, but you feel like you are forcing the other person to do the same, she doesn't really want to be there and you are nothing but a burden and wasting your time.

Replace the phone conversation with sex and that's likely how your husband feelings, and thus why he doesn't get what he needs and it isn't enough.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, get your hormones checked. Your answer could be that simple.

Assuming your hormones are normal, then try some other things.

First, tell your husband that there is no magic bullet where you can snap your fingers and become enthusiastic about sex. It's a process that will require some bad or mediocre sex before getting better.

Second, just have more sex. Having sex can actually make you want to have more sex. So, even if it's bad, just do it.

Third, use a vibrator during sex. This will allow you to take care of your own orgasm instead of worrying about whether you will be able to climax.

Fourth, try to relax when you're having sex and not make it outcome oriented. Don't view it as two people trying to have orgasms. Look at it as two people connecting. Take your time and just have some fun. If you don't climax, you and your husband need to be OK with that.

Fifth, tell your husband that it's OK for you to occasionally make sex about him. Your drive isn't as high as his. That's fine. Even if you can increase your libido, you won't increase it all the way to his level. So, sometimes, you're just going to "lie back and think of England." If he thinks that every time you have sex, you should get worked up and climax, then he's not being reasonable. Of course, you should sometimes get worked up and climax. But, it's OK to have sex as an act of loving service to your husband.

Good luck.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.


Wife to wife and woman to woman, I really don't know what to tell you other than to "fake enthusiasm" for a while. I'll probably get bashed for suggesting it, but I simply do not know what to do at this point in my marriage. So I put on the lingerie, try to get in a a sexy mood, and go get my husband. Even if I don't physically want to have sex, I DO want to have sex for the sake of my marriage and because I know that it is important to my husband. Does that make any sense?

My advice? Plan ahead during the day to get yourself in the right mind-frame. Put on lingerie and go seduce your husband. Tell him you DO desire sex. He really doesn't need to know whether you are physically turned on or "mentally" turned on. My husband hasn't been able to resist me in this way, and he is definitely a more satisfied man. This is honestly the only solution I have found for now. Best wishes.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> Wife to wife and woman to woman, I really don't know what to tell you other than to "fake enthusiasm" for a while. I'll probably get bashed for suggesting it, but I simply do not know what to do at this point in my marriage. So I put on the lingerie, try to get in a a sexy mood, and go get my husband. Even if I don't physically want to have sex, I DO want to have sex for the sake of my marriage and because I know that it is important to my husband. Does that make any sense?
> 
> My advice? Plan ahead during the day to get yourself in the right mind-frame. Put on lingerie and go seduce your husband. Tell him you DO desire sex. He really doesn't need to know whether you are physically turned on or "mentally" turned on. My husband hasn't been able to resist me in this way, and he is definitely a more satisfied man. This is honestly the only solution I have found for now. Best wishes.


Stunning.  Simply, stunning.

Honest - this leaves me flabbergasted.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Because you aren't emotionally close.
> 
> Think of it this way. You call your friend on the phone often to talk to her. Why do you do this? Because she converses back with you and it helps form a bond that builds the relationship. You grow close through communication.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this example. I haven't thought of it this way, but it makes sense. This explains why he doesn't even initiate any more (even though I NEVER turn him down), and I'm the one who says, "We should have sex because it's been a while and I feel bad about how long it has been." 

So outside of seeing a doctor (I need something immediate since it has been at least 3 weeks since the last time husband and I engaged in relations, which is why I'm crying my eyes out on an internet forum), how do I fix this? How do I make myself want sex?


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Stunning.  Simply, stunning.
> 
> Honest - this leaves me flabbergasted.


 
Why? I thought it was sound advice for the short term (a quick-fix, if you will).

ETA~ I'm not sure how that will work since I'm a bad actor/liar. But hey, worth a shot, right?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

imthewife said:


> I need something immediate...


Uhm. Glass of wine? 

(big glass)


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Stunning.  Simply, stunning.
> 
> Honest - this leaves me flabbergasted.


And just what is your "stunning" suggestion as to what I should do during my marriage when I am do not physically desire to have sex? I am working on repairing my drive as much as I can by evaluating my antidepressants and weaning my baby. This is what I am doing right now to help keep my husband happy and my marriage alive. I said that I DO desire sex because I know it is important for our marriage. Would it be better if I just start refusing to have sex period? 

I am flabbergasted at your response.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

imthewife said:


> Why? I thought it was sound advice for the short term (a quick-fix, if you will).


I thought so too, but doesnt sound like a perfect world, does it.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Why? I thought it was sound advice for the short term (a quick-fix, if you will).


Thank you. It was honest advice for the short-term. I was not suggesting that this is the end. That you give up permanently. I believe my drive will return, but it's not fair to expect my husband to give up on sex while I wait for that to happen.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

OK, I can see I was misunderstood. 

by stunned, I meant speechless. Im sad that is the best solution you have found m'lady. I wish you better than going through the motions. I applaud your resiliance in fact.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Uhm. Glass of wine?
> 
> (big glass)


LOL! I've tried that and alcohol makes me fall asleep. Even a just a small glass of wine.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> OK, I can see I was misunderstood.
> 
> by stunned, I meant speechless. Im sad that is the best solution you have found m'lady. I wish you better than going through the motions. I applaud your resiliance in fact.


Actually I'm not that sad about it. It is better than feeling resentful and angry every time I have sex because I don't physically want to. There is more than one definition of "desire." Desire can also be mental as well as physical.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Thank you. It was honest advice for the short-term. I was not suggesting that this is the end. That you give up permanently. I believe my drive will return, but it's not fair to expect my husband to give up on sex while I wait for that to happen.


I hope that my drive will return one day for my husband's sake, but, like you, I don't want to deprive him in the mean time. And just giving it up without complaint is no longer enough for him, so your advice to fake interest for now is reasonable, IMO.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I hope that my drive will return one day for my husband's sake, but, like you, I don't want to deprive him in the mean time. And just giving it up without complaint is no longer enough for him, so your advice to fake interest for now is reasonable, IMO.


And it depends on how you define "faking" as well. At least for me. I DO want to please my husband and make him happy. I DO want my marriage to be happy. I feel happy when he is happy and alive. So in my mind at least, I'm not faking my desire to have sex with him. I do have to spend some time getting in the right mind-frame though.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> First, get your hormones checked. Your answer could be that simple.
> 
> Assuming your hormones are normal, then try some other things.
> 
> ...



I have tried telling him that I can't just flip a switch like he can. I've also told him that I don't care if I have an orgasm, that an O is not a sign of good sex. I don't even try for one any more. And I think he's tired of it being about him. 

It's kind of sad because we actually did try the "have sex often" thing. I actually challenged myself to have sex every day for 30 days, and by day 9 he was seriously resenting that sex, for me, was just a check in the box. I told him I heard about having it more often should make me want it more often, but sadly, it didn't work. If he was open to it, I'd try this again though. 

I try to imagine it as an emotional connection thing, but it's hard not to see sex as anything but a chore. I do feel connected with him when we're cuddled on the couch and talking, and sex is not cuddly. He tries, but, ugh.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I try to imagine it as an emotional connection thing, but it's hard not to see sex as anything but a chore. I do feel connected with him when we're cuddled on the couch and talking, *and sex is not cuddly. He tries, but, ugh.*


What do you mean when you say that, the part I bolded?

Sex can be cuddly...sex can be all kinds of things at different times. There are a lot of ways to have sex. Maybe you can teach your husband to make sex more cuddly?

What do you mean by "he tries, but ugh"? Is there something you would like him to do differently with you during sex?

The emotional connection thing is what keeps me interested in sex even when my mind or body is not interested in sex. Would you say that you feel emotionally connected to your husband in general? Or are there some small resentments and distance creeping in?


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

Ok, I say in general I feel connected to him emotionally, and I get my emotional connectivity "battery" recharged when we're just snuggling on the couch, talking (I LOVE having conversations with him! He's so intelligent and interesting!) about anything and everything. I don't get that same feeling during sex. At best, I feel nothing, at worst, I feel resentment (because I'm mad at myself for not wanting sex, and mad at him a little for making sex a bigger deal than I think it should be). He tries to cuddle with me during sex, holding me close and all, but still, no emotional connection. I'd rather sleep. Heck, I'd rather clean the bathroom, at least I'd have something to show for that. 

The point is, I don't need sex for anything, period. I know he needs sex for that emotional thing, and I give it up whenever he wants. I'm trying to compromise in this area, but I guess it's not enough. I just wish I wanted sex.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

There are lots of supplements now that can help you to increase your sex drive. You must find a way to solve this one because it is very important if you want to stay your relationship longer.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I just wish I wanted sex.


To want sex, I think you have to start feeling sexy. When was the last time you felt sexy, and thought of yourself as a sexy woman? What makes you feel sexy? 

Do you take time out for yourself, no kids, no husband, just you? Do you and your husband spend time together without the 4 kids? Are you in mommy mode and have let that overcome sexy mode?

I also think you have to start thinking about sex in a positive way. You've got a lot of stress and negativity around sex now. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You're looking up "how to _force _myself to want sex" on the internet when you are feeling desperate about sex. Somehow, you have to find a way to replace your negative feelings with more positive ones. Sex is not a chore...sex is fun...baby steps.

Do you think you have fallen out of love with your husband?

Get yourself checked out at the doc's. Rule things out. Take that first step to start moving in a more positive direction.


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## imthewife (Oct 22, 2012)

I don't feel sexy, BUT I know I'm pretty, if that makes sense. That thought has crossed my mind, but I figured thinking I'm pretty is good enough (better than hating myself, that's for sure!).

Twice a week I am without kids and husband for a couple hours. I have used that time to get a pedicure (once), but usually it's for running errands that are easier without kids. My family moves frequently due to my husband's job, so it take a while to find a babysitter. Right now, my husband and I only go out just the two of us once a quarter, when our church hosts a "parents' night out," or as we like to call it, affordable babysitting. There's not a lot to do in our town (well, if we were into getting drunk at the dance clubs then yes, there would be lots to do, but we are grown-ups), so we do the usual dinner and Barns and Noble. We tried staying home for the sole purpose of having sex one time, and we ended up just talking for two hours, not because I said no. No moves were made at all (this was about 6 months ago). 

I recognize that my negative attitude toward sex and only really looking into fixing the problem when it's at boiling point are not helping the situation at all. But after years of having sex, I no longer consider it fun. It was so much easier just to do the same moves that guaranteed orgasm quickly that I got bored with the same-old. Then, when I would want to make things more interesting (more for my husband), the different positions wouldn't get me off and only felt kind of good, not amazing, so I would default to what worked, putting us back at square one. 

I am more in love with my husband today than I was the day we were married. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care that he needs good sex, frequent sex. 

I've thought about going to a doc, but I've read many stories about how a doc would basically pat the woman on the head and say, "Oh honey, of course you have no drive! You have young children! When they're older it'll come back Don't worry your pretty little head." I'll make an appointment sometime this week, but I need a quick fix now. It's that time of the month again, where I'm searching the internet for answers to my problem (that's how I ended up here).


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## SexyChic41 (Oct 21, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Kingsfan~~ I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him. Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.



imthewife....do you think that in your keeping the house and taking care of your children during the day, in your mind, YOUR JOB is complete?? ...and if you do it well, and you are pleased with yourself, at the end of the day, sex isn’t necessary for you because you’ve done your job? 

Perhaps, this is why you are insulted when your husband helps out; maybe it makes you feel obligated to have sex w/him although you’re not interested, anyway. 

You shouldn’t have to force yourself to like sex; in my opinion, I think it’s the “stay at home mom” duties that overtake you and then you’re mentally drained. Sex starts in the mind, and if your mind is more focused on your household duties, there’s no place for “love making”. Does this make sense?? 

I noticed that you kept indicating that keeping the house is “MY” job, but so is SEX with YOUR husband, but it’s no fun, if you are not “enjoying” it. It sounds like keeping the house is YOUR JOB, and sex w/your husband is a chore! No one likes "chores"! Thus, we have to force ourselves to do them 

My suggestion, if you can....forego the household chores and see how this works for you; my guess is that your husband is helping you to “help alleviate the pressure you put on yourself” with “YOUR” job. 

Hope this helps.


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## SexyChic41 (Oct 21, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.



I really believe that sex is WORK for you because you do a lot of HOUSEWORK. At the end of the day, once you are done w/your "house"work, you don't want to do "husband"work. 

I don't really see your "giving it up even when you don't feel like it" as a "compromise" as much as I see it as a "CHORE" for "you". Again, no one likes / loves chores.


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## SexyChic41 (Oct 21, 2012)

michzz said:


> Not to cause you any undue distress about this whole subject. However, as a man, there is hardly anything more of a turn off than to figure out your wife is doing mercy sex and isn't turned on by you anymore.
> 
> Presumably he is not just a lousy, uncaring lover of course.
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I would say be absolutely honest with your husband... this does not mean your drive will never return.

I would want my wife to tell me straight out rather than fake it.

OP.. can you describe how not having a drive is different from before.

Being a man i'm curious what the difference is....

Is sex yucky, optional, want sleep more.

Is it like not liking chocolate later in life... what?

Be as descriptive as before and after so us guys get a grasp of what its like for women who loose the drive.

thanks.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

imthewife said:


> I've thought about going to a doc, but I've read many stories about how a doc would basically pat the woman on the head and say, "Oh honey, of course you have no drive! You have young children! When they're older it'll come back Don't worry your pretty little head."


You need to go in with a sense of urgency. Don't be like "well I've kind-of been having this little problem lately". Be assertive - insist that this is not some normal condition, you are troubled, and it's bad enough to threaten your marriage. 

If you still get a patronizing answer (with anything medical) you need to find a new doctor. I had a child deal with cancer and saw a great deal - administrative mistakes, medication errors, bad residents (doctors in training), billing errors. People are human. And, some doctors just don't care as much as others.

I took the attitude I was responsible for my child's health, as we have to live with the situation. The doctor is the expert whom I need to guide me through the process, but ultimately works for me. And, his life will go on relatively unimpacted regardless of how my issue goes. Just as I would not listen to my boss express a concern and tell him "sh!t happens", I would not tolerate it from someone who works for me.

I'm very serious about this and kept a close eye on everything. I can give you the name of the doctor who crossed me and found out the hard way. You need to be equally proactive in getting any significant issue resolved.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I know I'm a virgin, and I have zero rights to post this:

But if you aren't enjoying sex, you're doing it wrong.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

To the OP,

I think that, once again, this issue is being viewed in an overly binary manner by you and your husband - either you want sex or it's duty sex (a negative). He wants you to orgasm and want it or it's bad for him. You are resentful of the pressure to perform in this manner and don't want it at all.

What about a middle ground? I think your husband expecting your drive to increase spontaneously might be too much. What if you told him "at this point my body does not respond like that. But I will make love to you, how you want, because I do love you and appreciate all you do for me and our family. At the same time, know I do not like feeling this way and will do my best to resolve this issue while cheerfully meeting your need"?

I personally would have been stoked if my ex came to me like this, because it reaffirms the validity of my need and her commitment to me, while acknowledging the reality of the situation. This is really just acknowledging that "love is an act". If you really cannot get yourself to do this, I suggest you address that underlying individual issue.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> Thank you. It was honest advice for the short-term. I was not suggesting that this is the end. That you give up permanently. *I believe my drive will return, but it's not fair to expect my husband to give up on sex while I wait for that to happen.*


That's a very smart view to take. One too many women don't at their own detriment.

I wish you luck.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I don't feel sexy, BUT I know I'm pretty, if that makes sense. That thought has crossed my mind, but I figured thinking I'm pretty is good enough (better than hating myself, that's for sure!).


Feeling pretty is good, but it's not the same as feeling sexy. Feeling sexy means you're connected to the woman inside you - the woman who is about more than raising children and being a homemaker, the woman who is a sexual being. 



> Twice a week I am without kids and husband for a couple hours. I have used that time to get a pedicure (once), but usually it's for running errands that are easier without kids.


So that's it? You get 4 hours a week to yourself, and you just run errands? That's not enough. 

Do you have friends? Do you read? Listen to music? Take bubble baths? Do you have a passion for anything? What did you do for fun or to engage your mind before you married? 

You have to take care of yourself. You have to give yourself time to recharge - time when you aren't involved in errands or chores or doing things for other people. 



> My family moves frequently due to my husband's job, so it take a while to find a babysitter. Right now, my husband and I only go out just the two of us once a quarter, when our church hosts a "parents' night out," or as we like to call it, affordable babysitting.


Once every 3 months? That's not enough. Your relationship with your husband is the entire foundation of your family, and requires more focus than once every 3 months. 

Spending time alone together is vital. It's not just about having sex that night, although alone-time can lead to that. It's about being _being _a couple, _about being _the man and woman who fell in love and chose to be husband and wife. It's about letting that part of you come out while the mommy/daddy part of you takes a rest.

If the church does parents' night out, that means there are other parents in your church. Is it possible to swap baby-sitting duties with any of the other parents? 



> There's not a lot to do in our town (well, if we were into getting drunk at the dance clubs then yes, there would be lots to do, but we are grown-ups), so we do the usual dinner and Barns and Noble. We tried staying home for the sole purpose of having sex one time, and we ended up just talking for two hours, not because I said no. No moves were made at all (this was about 6 months ago).


So go bowling or mini-golf. Go bike riding together, just the two of you. Find a neighborhood pub and play darts for a couple of hours. It doesn't matter what you do - that non-kid time together is important to do _regularly_. That way, sometimes you spend it talking, sometimes you spend it laughing and flirting, sometimes you spend it having sex. It's time together for you two to be grown-ups, not parents.



> I recognize that my negative attitude toward sex and only really looking into fixing the problem when it's at boiling point are not helping the situation at all. But after years of having sex, I no longer consider it fun. It was so much easier just to do the same moves that guaranteed orgasm quickly that I got bored with the same-old. Then, when I would want to make things more interesting (more for my husband), the different positions wouldn't get me off and only felt kind of good, not amazing, so I would default to what worked, putting us back at square one.


Did you ever get any kind of that emotional connection thing through sex (whether with your husband or anyone else prior)? Or was it always mostly a physical, orgasm thing for you? 



> I am more in love with my husband today than I was the day we were married. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care that he needs good sex, frequent sex.


But he doesn't turn you on? Kissing him is gross? Do you see him as sexy, think of him as sexy? 



> I've thought about going to a doc, but I've read many stories about how a doc would basically pat the woman on the head and say, "Oh honey, of course you have no drive! You have young children! When they're older it'll come back Don't worry your pretty little head."


Doctors will take it as seriously as you do. You can choose to make this a priority for yourself and the people you entrust with your medical care, or not.



> I'll make an appointment sometime this week, but I need a quick fix now. It's that time of the month again, where I'm searching the internet for answers to my problem (that's how I ended up here).


I'm sorry, but I don't believe there is a quick fix. There's something going on with you and you have to have some understanding what that is (and isn't) about before you can figure out what steps to take to start fixing it. Maybe it's a hormonal thing, maybe it's a mental thing, maybe it's circumstances. Maybe you need a vacation. Start by seeing a doctor and take it from there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

ITW,
Hats off to you for a totally honest post. 

Lets start with step 1 in this process. This isn't about "you" as in singular. It is about both of you. 

Does he have an "edge" to him? Is he playfully rough with you? Does he ever wrestle with you and over power you? 

Is he ever cool/reserved with you? Meaning you have no idea what he is thinking. 

Is he simply "too" close to you? 

Too much intimacy will kill desire faster than a speeding bullet. Too much love, proximity, kindness and sex becomes like eating a rich desert when you aren't hungry. Kind of nauseating. 

This is NOT about him being a jerk or being in any way abusive. This IS about him creating a mild level of uncertainty in your mind as to what he is going to do next. 



imthewife said:


> Let me start off by saying, I love my husband so much! He's tall, attractive, intelligent, sweet, cares about taking care of my needs in bed, well "endowed," an excellent and involved father, and my best friend. He regularly tells me how hot, beautiful, desirable I am. Since I am a stay at home mom, I feel it is my job to take care of the house, and any attempts by him to do any house work I take as an insult. BUT, he does help by changing the baby's diaper while I'm in the middle of, say, cooking dinner, or giving our three year old a bath while I'm dressing our youngest post-bath. We are a great team!
> 
> We've been married for 9 years, together for 10, and we have four children, the youngest being 18 months old (so sleeping through the night, not as demanding as a newborn). I am not on BC or any other medication, and he had "the procedure," so no worries about surprise pregnancies in the future.
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

imthewife said:


> I've also told him that I don't care if I have an orgasm, that an O is not a sign of good sex. I don't even try for one any more. And I think he's tired of it being about him.


If it's about him 100% of the time right now, then he would obviously not be satisfied with that. However, if you could get it to be about him 80% of the time, that would be a big improvement. Of course, that would be a temporary step to a permanent solution of having it be about him only 10% of the time (for example). He would probably be satisfied with that ultimate goal.

See if you can put it in terms of steps of improvement. You have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you ever have sexual fantasies...get turned on by a movie star, a scene in a romantic movie ? When you see a hot guy at the beach? What does it for you ...when was the last time you felt this rising within?

To feel like this is to feel ALIVE -- to be in touch with your sexual stirrings, it is a part of who we are, were born to be...and it moves us towards our lover - even gives us that adoring glow to be entangled with our partners, wanting to fulfill them -our highest joys is to give them this sweet pleasure... but to want it for ourselves too... oh how much this means to the man who loves us... I know for my husband... MY Pleasure IS his Pleasure... many men feel deeply about this. Only this satisfys them.

There is but one area we LIKE a little selfishness...it is* in sex*, we want our partners to want & be hungry for theirs- this brings a sheer burst of excitement to us, that we share this passion together. It is natural for your husband to feel as he does, it hurts him when you do not care to be there, it eats him up inside that you are repulsed by his kisses. 

I know you get all of this though... I feel for you -in this way...what a  dilemma ..... but I also feel for him... this is JUST as difficult on your man. Being high drive..... I would be utterly devestated if my husband lacked desire for me. I could not stomach sex where the other was just trying to please me. 

l really liked what Norajane said here >>>


> Feeling sexy means you're connected to the woman inside you - the woman who is about more than raising children and being a homemaker, the woman who is a sexual being.


 Sex starts inbetween the ears, it is a mindset... it is passion in action. SEXY a state of mind. It is in how one FEELS around their Lover... how they make us FEEL about ourselves, our bodies... .


You NEED some inspiration deep within...something to unsettle you, bring an uprising... a STIR of your dopamine levels ...towards your husband... Read some thoughts on this thread >> 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html









Compliments of "ThreeTimesAlady" (below)... we all need some inspiration once in a while to MOVE us , encourage us in our darker hours....this was written AFTER menopause -where her hormones were not as in flow as us younger ladies have in reserve....but yet you can FEEL the passion as she speaks...about her man, her marraige...about Love & Sex.... 




> *Sex is *desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. *Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it.* Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is *finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is *turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is *having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is *being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is *being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . *Love is *the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is *being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.










....... Some good ideas here >> Secret to good sex is in your mind  .....


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## Poet (Oct 20, 2012)

:iagree:
You know you can have him whenever you want to... there's no challenge! Maybe he needs to play a bit hard-to-get to wake you up?

Having said that, I don't think a male can truly understand hormonal changes after childbirth or the pain. You might view your body parts as for a different purpose now and it can take time to see them as a source of great pleasure again.
Were the births particularly difficult? Also at 18 months is there any chance you are post-natally depressed? My wife didn't realise she was but was diagnosed in hindsight!

If sex is causing a problem, maybe find something else that gets you both close and excited together in another way. At least you keep a bond while other potential problems get uncovered and resolved. 

If H focusses on how bad the sex part of your life is, it will just build resentment and will have the opposite effect to making you desire him. 
I found that the less concerned I was about being needed and bringing W to O, the better it was. A sexually desprerate man with something to prove is not attractive! 

In the interim he needs to accept you are in a phase where you can't give him that desire he wants from you, but the very fact you are trying to find a solution is truly fantastic. Your H should get a lot of comfort from that.

Good luck and I congratulate you on caring enough about your marriage to make this effort


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Pleasing a woman IS what it's all about for a man. It's like if he took you out to a fancy restaurant because he loves you and you didn't eat.
> 
> Same concept.


:iagree:

I wish more wives understood this concept. It is not just getting off.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I get what you are saying, and I agree and disagree. I definitely think there is a physical "need" as well. If pleasing a woman was all sex was about, why do most men get off on pornography?


You're comparing apples to aircraft carriers. Yes there are times when men need a quick release and porn gives them that. Other times men just want to take the time to enjoy pleasing themselves while looking at naked women. It's fun for many men.

However men who are in love with their wives want THAT to be the main course. They didn't get married for pity sex. Nor do they want their entire sexual life to revolve around jacking off. They assumed when they got married it meant they were going to get to have awesome sex as much as they wanted from wives who desired them. So pleasing a woman in bed (and subsequently themselves) is what most men live for.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Sadly that doesn't *always* happen as we read so often here on TAM.


FTFY.  It does happen.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> FTFY.  It does happen.


Yes it does. I edited it out but you read and quoted me too fast. LOL


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You're comparing apples to aircraft carriers. Yes there are times when men need a quick release and porn gives them that. Other times men just want to take the time to enjoy pleasing themselves while looking at naked women. It's fun for many men.
> 
> However men who are in love with their wives want THAT to be the main course. They didn't get married for pity sex. Nor do they want their entire sexual life to revolve around jacking off. They assumed when they got married it meant they were going to get to have awesome sex as much as they wanted from wives who desired them. So pleasing a woman in bed (and subsequently themselves) is what most men live for.


I get what you are saying, and I agree. Personally, I don't equate making sex a priority (even when you necessarily desire it _physically_) to "pity sex.") I might not have control over my body sometimes, but I do have control of my mind. I can choose to desire my husband even when my body does not desire intercourse.

I really don't think people with naturally high drives understand what it is like to have a non-existant drive for sex. It's not something that I have personally chosen for myself that's for sure. And before someone points it out to me, I already know that many LD people don't understand what it is like to have a HD. I do see that sex brings us closer, and so I do desire it, not out of pity, but out of love.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I don't feel sexy, BUT I know I'm pretty, if that makes sense. That thought has crossed my mind, but I figured thinking I'm pretty is good enough (better than hating myself, that's for sure!).
> 
> Twice a week I am without kids and husband for a couple hours. I have used that time to get a pedicure (once), but usually it's for running errands that are easier without kids. My family moves frequently due to my husband's job, so it take a while to find a babysitter. Right now, my husband and I only go out just the two of us once a quarter, when our church hosts a "parents' night out," or as we like to call it, affordable babysitting. There's not a lot to do in our town (well, if we were into getting drunk at the dance clubs then yes, there would be lots to do, but we are grown-ups), so we do the usual dinner and Barns and Noble. We tried staying home for the sole purpose of having sex one time, and we ended up just talking for two hours, not because I said no. No moves were made at all (this was about 6 months ago).
> 
> ...


Firstly here, stop beating yourself up. This isn't just your problem and the sad fact of the matter is, I'd wager 90% of all women in your shoes (with a low/non-existant sexual desire) wouldn't even bother trying to solve the issue. Often, we hear stories of men (and some women too) whose spouse has no sex drive for them and tell them it's their problem, simply because they are the one wanting sex. It's like blaming a cancer patient for wanting treatment and telling them it's their problem to deal with for having cancer in the first place. So kudos to you for respecting your marriage and your husband enough to want to be proactive in dealing with this issue.

Secondly, I'd advise you to NOT simply think about going to the doctor. GO to the doctor. Do it. You may be right, you may end up getting lip service, but the odds are you won't. Especially if you insist that this is a problem and that you want some solutions. Doctors face questions regarding sex more and more and have greater knowledge now on the issue. Your doctor may have some advice for you, or may have something that she/he can check to make sure it's not a physical issue for you. Sexual desire often stems from chemicals inside your own body, maybe there is something your doctor can look at. There is no harm in asking your doctor, but possibly there is something to gain.

Thirdly, I'd talk to your husband. He needs to understand a few things:

- You aren't in the mood right now, but it isn't his fault and it isn't your fault. You WANT to desire him and you WANT to desire sex, it's just not happening for you. 
- You are trying to solve this issue and are looking into what you can do for it. This would be a great time to mention you'd like to see a doctor as well.
- You can enjoy sex without actually enjoying sex. For example, the sex itself might not do anything for you, but seeing your husband happy does and this is better for helping you get back into the mood in all likelihood.
- He needs to back off a bit and not expect you to be in the mood all the time. For now, he needs to take what you are ready to give and help you work through the rest. It's a problem for both of you, it'll require both of you to acheive a solution.

Also, I'd recommend some marriage counselling, or independent counselling for you. I realize you don't put much credence to this, however if you look back on this thread, you have had your eyes opened to a few points you never considered before. And this a general message board with strangers who don't know much about you, your background or your lifestyle. A professional can give you a great deal of personal attention based on experience with other couples/individuals. Just pay attention to their recommendations or discussions and keep an open mind. It can definately help to talk things out though.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> I definitely think there is a physical "need" as well. If pleasing a woman was all sex was about, why do most men get off on pornography?


As you say, it's not ALL sex is about. But, part of the appeal to pornography is the enthusiasm (usually feigned) of the women on screen. Men can mentally insert themselves and their wives into the scene and fantasize about an exciting and enthusiastic sex life.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You do need to be seen by a doctor. I would start with your GYN. Its common to have these problems after children are born. The body doesn't just return to its original state sometimes. Especially if you have multiple children in a short time frame. A GYN isn't going to belittle your problem.

That being said, I actually think the advice to "fake it till you make it" isn't so bad. Not as a permanent solution, but to get you through until you figure out if its a medical problem.

I am 28 and have two young children. I have a host of medical problems, mental and physical, that have plagued me since I had kids. I feel like absolute dogsh!t 99% of the time and during those times the last thing on my mind is sex. I don't tell my husband that. If I am having a horrid day, I will tell him I am not feeling well (he usually has a clue based on how much medicine I am taking), but otherwise I keep most of it to myself.

If I have a pain-free day (maybe 1-2 a month?) I feel my sex drive kick in. Otherwise most days I seriously have trouble existing. 

So yes, knowing sex is important to my H, I want to give that to him. Sometimes no matter how much prep I try to do to get myself in the mood - dressing sexy, looking at porn, whatever - my body just isn't cooperating. So instead of focusing on horniness, I think about why I want to do this for him.

I think about some of the moments in my life that he's really blown me away with his kindness, compassion and caring. We've been through some tough times in our short marriage, and even lately with the serious mental health issues I have gone through he's been there for me. Coming from a place of gratitude and wanting to thank hum, is where I go when we have sex sometimes. Its not duty sex, its honestly wanting to express my love to him in a way that he will "hear" me.

I can relate to your sentiment of thinking kissing is gross, btw. I don't always feel that way, but when I am having a bad day with my health or mindframe I just don't want a lot of physical contact. If I let my mind wander to what s truly great guy he is, especially envisioning a time when he really blew my socks off, I can get unto it because I think about how good it makes him feel.

Everyone says men want enthusiasm. I bring enthusiasm in the bedroom, it is just coming from a different source than what my H's might stem from. I don't think he can tell the difference.

I don't know if that helps you. I am probably offering myself up to the firing squad here !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I think about some of the moments in my life that he's really blown me away with his kindness, compassion and caring. We've been through some tough times in our short marriage, and even lately with the serious mental health issues I have gone through he's been there for me. Coming from a place of gratitude and wanting to thank hum, is where I go when we have sex sometimes. Its not duty sex, its honestly wanting to express my love to him in a way that he will "hear" me.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I really appreciate what you have to say about it not being "duty sex." Nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

imthewife said:


> Ok, I say in general I feel connected to him emotionally, and I get my emotional connectivity "battery" recharged when we're just snuggling on the couch, talking (I LOVE having conversations with him! He's so intelligent and interesting!)


You know the obvious question here... What if your husband was not intelligent and interesting? Would you be fulfilled in your marriage? Really think about this, and think about the fact that you are uniteresting to him sexually.... So can he be fulfilled in his marriage the way you are in yours?



imthewife said:


> I don't get that same feeling during sex. At best, I feel nothing, at worst, I feel resentment (because I'm mad at myself for not wanting sex, and mad at him a little for making sex a bigger deal than I think it should be). He tries to cuddle with me during sex, holding me close and all, but still, no emotional connection. I'd rather sleep. Heck, I'd rather clean the bathroom, at least I'd have something to show for that.


Your kids don't "do" anything for you, and yet you find the motivation to be a good mother. Your house does not "do" anything for you and yet you find the motivation to be a good housekeeper and keep things clean. Why do you do these things? Why are you self motivated to do these things? YOU DO THEM FOR WHAT YOU GET not what you give. You get internal personal satisfaction from having a nice house or being a good Mom. The desire for sex with your husband should be a selfish desire on your part. The desire to act as a great wife and take pride in that and get fulfillment from that.




imthewife said:


> The point is, I don't need sex for anything, period. I know he needs sex for that emotional thing, and I give it up whenever he wants. I'm trying to compromise in this area, but I guess it's not enough. I just wish I wanted sex.


Have you ever heard the question as to what is better, to Love or to Be Loved? It's a philisophical question. What is it about you that does not need to Love ... ? That you must find out.

So, in your heirarchy of life you have:

1. Kids
2. House
3. Your needs being Met
4. Your husbands needs being met

I would say based on what you have posted is that you don't recognize that you have to set up the structure of your entire life and marrage so that you dedicate your personal ENERGY to what is most important (Marriage first, Kids Second, home third). Take advantage of the fact that your Man is blessed with energy to do things which enable you to take your energy and make mind movies that are moving you into a sexual marriage. As opposed to what you are doing now which is using your mind on purpose to create a non sexual marriage.


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## mikeyb (Jul 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Second, sex for many men isn't jsut about an orgasm. If it was, why would we get married? We can have an orgasm by ourselves, with a hooker, with a one-night stand, etc... It's moreso about the emotional bond built through the physical act of sex. To me, yeah the orgasm is great, but I get just as much out of feeling my fiancees body, touching her, enjoying the fact she's opening herself -physically and spiritually- to me in a manner only me and her share. That's way more emotional than 'getting your rocks off.'
> 
> There is a reason he waits and waits for you when I'm sure he wouldn't wait and wait for someone he was just starting to date. It's because he wants YOU, not just the orgasm.


Well said king... I agree 100% for any women that doubt this. Maybe not all men, buts lots feel this way.


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## mikeyb (Jul 8, 2012)

Have any of the women here tried Amberin??? Would this help her? It's supposed to help in this area and i'm curious about it's effectiveness. My wife has thought about it but hasn't taken the plunge.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When you make love with him, it's a gift you give to him. Not a duty, or a chore. It's a loving gift.


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## Tigerman (Apr 5, 2012)

I appreciate this thread, if only because it gives me a good view of what is likely going on in my wife's mind. Even after manning up, turning down the temperature, and a whole bunch of other positive stuff that my wife has noticed and said she's amazed by, she has zero passion and no libido. She's affectionate and loving with me, but sex is nowhere in the picture for her. And the things she says about how she feels about that - the guilt, the stress, the feeling like less than a woman, the resentment toward me about her own feelings of letting me down this way - echo a lot of what's been said here. Seeing this so clearly laid out by someone else doesn't make the situation any better for me in terms of my satisfaction with my relationship. However, it makes it much easier to avoid thinking of this as something hurtful that she's choosing to do to me. And that helps me continue to focus on the parts of our relationship that are going well and keeping us connected. Hopefully, my wife and the women in this thread who are in the same boat find at least some of the desire for sex that used to be there.

Incidentally, the "fake it til you make it" approach is not likely to work if you have zero interest in sex. It's just not going to positively reinforce an impulse/desire that you have. In fact, it will likely just cause resentment or frustration on both sides before too long. As best I can tell, that approach can work if you have a low drive that you're looking to boost through positive reinforcement and such. That doesn't sound like the case here (or in my home).


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

As a husband who is suffering through a sexless marriage this post really hits home. Listen, offering up sex to your husband in itself is not enough. It just isn't. If he wanted a connection free sexcapade there are women out there that provide that.

And your fear about him cheating is a valid one. Most men need to have sex. Good men need to have sex with their wives. But we aren't saints. One day the sexlessness will get to us and we will waiver. I dont want to just come across like a bitter old coot. I just want to give you some insight into how we feel.

I love my wife to death, but because of this there are some days I can't stand the sight of her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tigerman, unless your wife physically can't have sex, she should feel guilty, less of a wife, and stressed. She made a promise. She's receiving the benefits of marriage. She's now withholding an important part of that agreement. Nobody asks me if I just love the thought of going to work every day. I'm a husband and it's one of my duties, so I do it. I don't whine about it. I don't avoid it or do it half-assed. If I neglect that duty, I should feel lousy about myself. I don't expect my wife to starve until the spirit moves me to go to work. I don't resent my duty because I'm the one who promised to do it. Nobody put a gun to my head. I stood right beside my wife at the wedding. I heard her say vows. I said them, too. They were said in English and we were both sober and awake. We have witnesses. The vows didn't include the words "if I feel like it". Do you have a wife or do you have a roommate?


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## Tigerman (Apr 5, 2012)

unbelievable:

I don't want to hijack someone else's thread, so I'll try to keep this within the context of what's been said so far. I don't disagree with some of the spirit of what you say. I certainly feel like I am not getting a good deal right now. And I think there are things my wife could do more of to meet my needs while we're going through this. So, it's not as though my trying to be understanding of her position amounts to me giving her a free pass on all of this and taking on a bunch of blame for myself for having sexual desires.

I'm hoping my wife changes in a way that leads to us having a satisfying sex life again. I'm certainly not going to wait around forever for that to happen, but I'll give it time because it's her I want to have that satisfying sex life with. And, to be fair, I only started stepping up my game this year and only got to a really good point with that within the last two months or so. She's behind the curve with me and she acknowledges it. But, I can't expect her to get her act together right away just because I finally got myself in better order. She's going to have to do that at some point, though.

And there certainly are things in my life that I do just because they're the right thing to do, it's my duty to do them, and so forth. And there are things she does for those same reasons. I just don't think that sort of attitude works well for the intimate side of a marriage. Either my wife will regain her libido or she won't. If she does, then that will round out a really great relationship. If not, it will probably eventually kill the relationship. But having her be intimate with me out of duty or obligation is not something I'm interested in (of course, if our sex life were otherwise okay and we're talking about occasional indulgences when the mood isn't there for her, that's something different). It's got to come from her truly wanting it. Otherwise, we're not on equal footing with the intimate part of our relationship, and that means either that sex is something that can be used to control me or that I'm thinking of her as little more than a hooker I've been regularly meeting for years now. Neither one of those has any appeal for me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Thinking of her as a hooker for fulfilling her marital obligations is like thinking of you as a slave for fulfilling your obligation to support your family or thinking of your mortgage company as a thief for accepting money you contracted to pay. We make commitments. When we do that which we promised, we aren't being taken advantage of. Not fulfilling our duties amounts to taking advantage of others. I wasn't kidnapped when the Army sent me to Iraq. I was merely being that which I had promised to be. I wasn't thrilled about being shot at, but that was just part of the agreement I made. I took their pay.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want to make it so your wife really "wants it" and is sexually agressive, then you have to become a very attractive male who makes your woman crave you sexually.

If you want to understand the nature of women, the nature of love, you will realize that mature love includes both of you doing things for the benefit of the other person. And women just do not have the sexual desires and drives that men have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Women don't have the same sexual desires but they do take the same marital vows. I don't have a desire to do many things that are important to my wife but I do them willingly and cheerfully because I'm her husband and her happiness is important to me. I don't eat pig ears but my dog likes them so I provide them. Who gets to navigate this earth only looking out for #1? Those who wish to ought to stay single.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Huge - massive difference between low libido and sexual aversion. 

Low libido means not starting out feeling desire and/or not getting aroused enough to O. A low libido spouse who really loves their HD partner wants to give them self to that partner regularly in the spirit of 'tonight is all about you'. 

I grasp the 'its all about you thing because a lot of the time I am the one in that mode'. 

The general absence of sex would mean aversion. I don't want any under that context. 

I just am not ok with a 'its mostly all about you' and almost never all about me. 

The odd thing is that if you don't have an edge AND a lot of restraint, the outcome typically is that it is almost never all about you. Not fair. But true.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Most of our sex life is predicated on two emotional drivers: desire to please and to be 'close/bonded' 

That said when I can tell she doesn't want to I put my head in her lap and get a great back massage/scratch while we watch tv.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Let me start off by saying, I love my husband so much! He's tall, attractive, intelligent, sweet, cares about taking care of my needs in bed, well "endowed," an excellent and involved father, and my best friend.
> 
> So please, can anyone tell me how to force myself to like sex again?


*I am so sorry you are dealing with this issue. Maybe you could get a babysitter ,rent a hotel room, and get 60 dollars in ones. You pick out Hubby a sexy outfit and take him to dinner. Afterward just go back to the hotel , You let your sexy hubby dance for you. Oh you see why you got the dollars :smthumbup:. I am sure you know where I am going with this information (got to keep it clean). IMHO you should just plan everything without telling hubby. Just be aggressive and have fun with this playtime.I hope this has help a little.*


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

imthewife said:


> I'm 29.


*You have your hands full with the house and kids. JMO I think you and hubby needs sometime away from the house. Can you get a babysitter for one night? Sometimes it helps to get out of the house. When was the last time yall had a date night? Once a week think of your h as just a sexy tall guy. See him as being a man that you want to date. Now you said he is tall and sexy (that is hot). So girl you still have it in you :smthumbup:. I think you can get past this issue. *


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

There are two curious things... one is you didn't feel this way until after the last pregnancy and the second is now you even have an aversion to kissing.

It's nice for him you won't say no, but since what he desires is intimacy, he's not getting that. Neither are you and you deserve that, too.

DO see a doctor. It could be hormonal - hormones make all sorts of changes in our desire, perceptions, moods... don't accept the standard "you're too tired/stressed/etc" because your attitude is different not just your energy level.

You may want to see a therapist. Most often it IS covered by insurance. And we aren't talking about deep-rooted childhood issues - could be mild resentment you aren't acknowledging... who knows - but seeking help won't hurt. If it's not covered or too expensive contact United Family Services w/ United Way. Their counselors work on a sliding scale - wonderful service they offer.

Lastly, take time to FEEL SENSUAL. No pressure for orgasm no husband around. It could be a leisurely shower where you run your soapy hands over your body slowly, savoring the sense of touch. Do the same with foods and your tongue by appreciating different textures - jello, fruit flesh, the back of your hand, inside of your elbow. 

Learn to enjoy all of the sensations that are created and received. Re-train your body to absorb and enjoy these feelings, tastes and textures.

You were a woman before you were a wife or a mother. Get back to your roots as a woman. The way it feels to walk with the sway of your hips or to stretch and arch your back lazily. 

I think it's a combination of medical, mental and just losing yourself for a little while. Find her.


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## SexyChic41 (Oct 21, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> There are two curious things... one is you didn't feel this way until after the last pregnancy and the second is now you even have an aversion to kissing.
> 
> It's nice for him you won't say no, but since what he desires is intimacy, he's not getting that. Neither are you and you deserve that, too.
> 
> ...



EnjoliWoman....I absolutely LOVE your post!!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Therapy is good but what you're describing isn't unusual to a new mom. There's some societal pressure that being a mom and being a sexy woman just don't coincide so we shut that part of our brain down.

Here is what I suggest - try doing little things during the day to spark things between the two of you, like some suggestive texting (maybe texting a naughty pic or two) and watch how he reacts. Think of how turned on he is just anticipating what might happen later. Tell him what you want him to do to you.

On some mornings, slip a pair of sexy panties into his pants pocket as he leaves in the morning and tell him you'll wear these for him tonight and only those. 

Buy some pretty lingerie that makes you feel desirable and pretty. Wear matching bras/panties that fit right and are pretty. (It's worth the investment - he'll agree!)

You may not start off 'wanting' sex but once you see how much you're arousing him and turning him on, it's likely to have that effect on you.

If you're taking a hormonal birth control, consider switching to something like an IUD. The pill can effect your drive as well. 

Lastly - cut back on the sweets and carbs and eat as healthy as you are able. Get out for a walk and move every day. Your body does respond differently according to your health level.

Oh and hubby helping with the household stuff - he wants you to be less tired so you have more time for HIM. That's a good thing, it shows he's interested and willing to put the effort in. Don't get upset about that, most women would LOVE the help.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

imthewife said:


> Let me start off by saying, I love my husband so much! He's tall, attractive, intelligent, sweet, cares about taking care of my needs in bed, well "endowed," an excellent and involved father, and my best friend. He regularly tells me how hot, beautiful, desirable I am. Since I am a stay at home mom, I feel it is my job to take care of the house, and any attempts by him to do any house work I take as an insult. BUT, he does help by changing the baby's diaper while I'm in the middle of, say, cooking dinner, or giving our three year old a bath while I'm dressing our youngest post-bath. We are a great team!
> 
> We've been married for 9 years, together for 10, and we have four children, the youngest being 18 months old (so sleeping through the night, not as demanding as a newborn). I am not on BC or any other medication, and he had "the procedure," so no worries about surprise pregnancies in the future.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm pretty much in the same boat as you on the desire level. You are not alone!!! I think your husband needs to compromise with you right now. You are having drive difficulties so I don't think it's fair of him to expect you to downright desire sex and have to have an orgasm every time you have sex. Right now you have compromised in being willing to have sex with your husband even when you don't physically desire it. Tell him you are working on your drive and this is all you can offer right now. Tell him that you love him and that you want to make him happy. For now, that is your turn on and motivation for sex. IMO, it's just too much to feel pressured to have an orgasm every time you have sex when you are having drive issues.
> 
> I do not desire sex very frequently at all. Maybe once or twice a month when I'm ovulating. But we do have sex more than that. I try to initiate and wear lingerie even if I'm not in the mood. But if he starts hounding me to work on having an orgasm, it's upsetting. Sometimes I feel like "hey, I'm giving you all I can right now. You got your orgasm. Please be patient with me for a while."
> 
> I agree with anotherguy in seeking some counseling to see if you can sort out whether there are any underlying issues. I hope your desire (and mine) returns quickly!


I admire you for handeling this the way you do, youre being more than fair in my opinion. Now if I can get my wife to think like this......:scratchhead:


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

make sure you take a journey through your mind. its usually a mental thing stopping you. make it clear to yourself that your happy and that he is the only man for you....period


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## FrustratedInBama (Nov 14, 2012)

Reading your post sounds just like what me (43) and my wife (40) are going through with one exception. She went to her GYN 1 year ago and was diagnosed as having low testosterone. He prescribed a cream that is rubbed inside the thigh area and told her to follow up to have her level checked again. She used it for 2 weeks and quit and never followed up. Her excuse is that she didn't want to grow facial hair or have her skin break out. Whenever the conversation comes up about her LD, she says "I'm doing everything I can". I just don't see it that way since her GYN told her there was an issue and gave her a solution and she won't do it. It's like me complaining of a headache after refusing to take the Ibuprofen. She lets me have sex whenever I want it and can't understand why that isn't enough. When we do have $ex she basically wants me to enter her and finish. She doesn't want foreplay and like you, doesn't even like kissing. She does have orgasms about 60% of the time. I love to give her oral, but she only lets me about once a month. The worst come on line from her about a month ago was "If you want $ex you better make a move because I'm about to go to sleep". That really got me in the mood. I love her with all my heart but I don't know what to do. She says $ex is just physical for her and there is no emotional tie to it. I told her if all it was about was a release for me....I could get myself off. I am very HD and could have it every night, but would be satisfied with 3 times a week. And I'm perfectly fine with quickies, but she wants every time to be a quickie.

One reason it has become a big issue now is because our son (4 year old) slept with us for the last 4 years and in my mind I thought that it would get better when we got our bed back. He's been in his bed since July and it's not better. The quantity is better but the quality is not there. I can't make her understand how important it is to me to be wanted. My wife is super sexy and a very sweet lady. I just want us to have the $ex life we once had. 

I'm rambling so I will stop.

I'm going to start by printing out all of the pages from this post and I'm going to ask her to read them. The posts have been enlightening to me concerning what she is going through and I hope they will do the same for her regarding my side of this.


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## fastaruk (Dec 24, 2012)

The simple fix is to just stop masturbating.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Wife to wife and woman to woman, I really don't know what to tell you other than to "fake enthusiasm" for a while. I'll probably get bashed for suggesting it, but I simply do not know what to do at this point in my marriage. So I put on the lingerie, try to get in a a sexy mood, and go get my husband. Even if I don't physically want to have sex, I DO want to have sex for the sake of my marriage and because I know that it is important to my husband. Does that make any sense?
> 
> My advice? Plan ahead during the day to get yourself in the right mind-frame. Put on lingerie and go seduce your husband. Tell him you DO desire sex. He really doesn't need to know whether you are physically turned on or "mentally" turned on. My husband hasn't been able to resist me in this way, and he is definitely a more satisfied man. This is honestly the only solution I have found for now. Best wishes.


This is, by far, the best advice given on this thread. Done out of love for the hubby even though she may not be feeling it herself. The OP's natural drive is lower than his, and he's complaining about her not wanting it for herself, so why not try this as a short term solution while she looks into other options?

Definitely better than rejecting him over and over again...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## neighbor (Jan 30, 2016)

I know this is old but wonder if there was anything the original poster found to help the situation. I too have had this same problem with nothing really helping, even medical intervention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

neighbor said:


> I know this is old but wonder if there was anything the original poster found to help the situation. I too have had this same problem with nothing really helping, even medical intervention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @neighbor

I would start a thread with your story and background in the "Sex In Marriage" section. You will get better advice when folks know your story.

Take care.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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