# A year later...



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

So it's been little over a year since my H's affair began, a long, horrible hellish nightmare of a year. After going back and forth between trying to work it out, discovering more lies and betrayal, and his inability to cut one of us loose or to make a damn decision about what he wants, I'm finally done. I gave it my best, fought as hard as I could, endured way more pain than any one person should ever have to. I have nothing left in me now. No fight, no desire, I guess I'm numb. 

He doesn't know it yet, as we haven't had the chance to really talk last few days, but I'm making him move out by April. Would be sooner except the first week in March he's taking the kids to see his parents. So I'll wait til he returns. I'm so terribly sad and hurt, but I can't live like this anymore. He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he's changed (well, duh) but he's afraid if he leaves he'll lose me forever. Guess he's gonna have to take that chance, because he won't lose her and recommit to this marriage.

I just hope that my strength doesn't falter when the day actually comes.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

cantletgo said:


> So it's been little over a year since my H's affair began, a long, horrible hellish nightmare of a year. After going back and forth between trying to work it out, discovering more lies and betrayal, and his inability to cut one of us loose or to make a damn decision about what he wants, I'm finally done. I gave it my best, fought as hard as I could, endured way more pain than any one person should ever have to. I have nothing left in me now. No fight, no desire, I guess I'm numb.
> 
> He doesn't know it yet, as we haven't had the chance to really talk last few days, but I'm making him move out by April. Would be sooner except the first week in March he's taking the kids to see his parents. So I'll wait til he returns. I'm so terribly sad and hurt, but I can't live like this anymore. He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he's changed (well, duh) but he's afraid if he leaves he'll lose me forever. Guess he's gonna have to take that chance, because he won't lose her and recommit to this marriage.
> 
> I just hope that my strength doesn't falter when the day actually comes.



The number one rule I have seen over and over again on this site is that you cannot resolve a marraige whilst the OH is still involved with the other person. You are letting him walk all over you here.

His inability to make a decision.... Make it for him. You have already got to the point where you have made one decision. Stick to it. Although, "April", nah, sooner. He is scared of losing you, well, at the moment you are not taking action, so he will continue.

Tell him outright, end it, get over it, or you lose me. Not negotiable. and STICK TO IT if he doesn't. Otherwise you are and will let him have his cake and eat it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there cantletgo, 

I'm sorry your situation is where it is, all you can do is your best, your husband is still involved with his OW and as long as that is the case he can't think clearly about your marriage......
You are doing the right thing asking him to move out, tell him you love him but cannot live with him having her still in his life..
You must put the decision is his court, let him really think about which life he wants, be prepared for the worst, and move on with your life, affairs take a bit of time to dwindle out the best way to have that happen is to make the OW fill all your husband's emotional needs, you will see and so will he that the OW isn't all that great and that she doesn't really want that responsibility.....
Let him experience her for everything she is not............let him see her for who she really is............
You sit back be the best you can be, move forward with your life, take care of yourself....................
If he comes back to you he will be doing it for the right reasons, if he doesn't then you are better off......
This is the first step to a better you, RESPECT for yourself is crucial.........
(HUGS) jessi


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

u'll probably argue this pt, but u're way behind gurl.

should've shown him the door long time ago, while he was enjoying (basically) having his cake n eating it too.

i dont remember the time constraints, if any, that the marriage
builder site offers in their many steps, but methinks it shorter than a yrs time for sure/by a long shot.

check w/ affaircare or 'pete on particulars.


shalom...........


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I know that I've let it go on for too long, but letting him go is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even though I've made the decision I still struggle with it. Not everything is black and white, as some of my friends are discovering in their own relationships and can finally understand why I've held on. In 10 years I have put a lot of myself into this relationship, we have 2 small children and the only dream I had was for them to grow up in a home with loving parents, a stable family, which I never had. So I'm not only havng to let go of a marriage, 10 years of my life, and my dreams. Not an easy thing to do, but I"m trying


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## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

I can totally understand why you hold on for so long. I can't let go either. It is sooo hard especially when kids are involved. I wish you the best, and stay strong. Don't worry about time. Everyone comes to the point where they have just had enough at different times. You were not ready to leave or kick him out before, and that's perfectly fine. I feel so bad that you are going through this. When you are ready, I'm sure it will be really really really hard, though once you work through the pain, you should feel much better. (hugs)!!!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

This land of limbo is horrible and I'm sorry you're there. I know how scary it is to push the needle in that direction, but you have to do it or else you will lose yourself completely. It's hard when you love them - you'll do whatever you can to keep that ounce of hope alive. I get it and I did it. I have two small kids too and it was never in my plan to have them come from a broken home. But, there is no marriage and no happy family home when one parent is involved with someone else and has no idea whether he wants to be in the marriage. You have to recognize your own worth and know that this is not how anyone should have to live - licking crumbs that someone else throws on the floor. Trust me when I tell you that it will not be fun when he leaves. You will have the anxiety, the fear, the depression, the guilt, all of it. But, you will also feel a very small sense of relief. You will no longer have to wonder or even care what he's up to or who he's with or what he may be thinking at any given moment. That is an awful place to be - to put all of your focus and energy into one other person who, at this time, wouldn't do that for you if you paid him. I got to the point where I didn't even want to take care of the kids; it was all about him. No more. He's been gone since October and I've implemented a hard 180/Plan B. I'm not hostile, but I don't speak to him unless it's about the kids or finances and I try to never speak to him in person or on the phone. He sees the kids regularly and we are in a pattern of just sailing along without D papers even filed yet. I set the tone for this. I don't engage in any drama and, at the same time, I am committed to not helping him feel better by giving him my friendship. You will be okay. It does not seem like it now - I'm far from okay. But, it will get better. The man that is living in your house right now is not the man you married and is not a man that you would want to marry. That man may or may not be gone, but he'll never come back if he gets to make all the choices and dump all over his family with no consequences.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

The OW in the background is a bad influence. He needs the shock treatment immediately but on YOUR terms, not his. Plan for the day. Make him eat his cake. In fact, stuff it down his throat when he least expects it and make sure you see the fear in his face. 

1 year stringing both of you along after DDay is taking the biscuit and it has taken its toll on you. not once but twice. First the betrayal and he gets to decide! Double pain. Take that decision into your own hands and send him packing, sooner rather than later.

You did what you felt was right for your family. Use the time to set the scene in your favour and let the OW have him, his dirty laundry, the lot. The others here are right. Implement a hard 180.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks for all the support and encouragement. I have made the tough decision, told him he had to move out by the end of March. He pretty much said nothing, which isn't unusual for him. It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. Because of money issues and the fact he takes kids to school and picks them up, I have to give it a little time to work out the logistics of him leaving, but I know it's the only choice I have. He isn't the man I married and I don't particularly like the person he is now, or the person I have become because of all this. I can only hope that him moving out will make him see what he threw away. If not, well, I'll deal with that when I have to.


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