# I need a man's perspective



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I need to know if my intuition is correct or if this is just a difference in the way men and women think/ react. I honestly don't know if I'm overreacting or refusing to accept the truth. Please be blunt. 
I want to start out by saying that I love my husband very much. He is the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back despite his upbringing that would turn most people into miserable beings. I'm concerned he doesn't really love me. I think he wants to or even believes he does, but so much of his behavior seems indifferent to me. He's not mean or anything to me. Our sex life is fine, though we could use more post-coital intimacy. He works a lot, like 80+ hours per week, so he's obviously exhausted. I try to wait up for him at night, though I don't always make it, but when I do he seems more interested in the TV. He always sleeps in his recliner, rather than in our bed. He told me that it was our mattress that bothered him but it's been almost a year since we've replaced it and he's still accidentally falling asleep out there. This isn't the first time (or second, third, fourth, etc) I've told him I'm feeling under prioritorized. It seems I'm always competing for his attention with someone or something. When I do address it, he corrects for a while but eventually we fall back into the same patterns. Plus, we've been together for quite some time now. I can tell the difference between when he's enjoying himself and when he's faking it (that's not a sex reference). When he's spending time with someone and truly enjoying it, you can't tear him away. When he's spending time with us and I think he's enjoying it, he'll jump at any excuse to leave or invite someone else to join us. Am I reading too much into this? Should I just be grateful that he's trying? Shouldn't he be missing me as much as I'm missing him? Shouldn't he, at least sometimes, want to make me top priority without me having to ask him? Is his work ethic so deeply ingrained that he just naturally makes it top priority?
There's more examples of why I'm feeling this way but they're all along the same theme. Just tiny things that reinforce my feelings of not being considered. Thoughts?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think anything you said is unreasonable. True everyone needs downtime, so getting home from work and taking a half hour is fine but then he must try to give you time as well. You should be his priority you are his wife. Lots of people seem to do this in their relationship, doesn't make them bad people but they just kind of assume their relationship will always be fine. Usually it isn't. 

Sounds like you have talked have you considered marriage counseling?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@GHaynes how long have you two been together, when did he start behaving this way?

You've outlined the issues you have with him, what are his issues with you? 

When you do address these problems with him, what is his reason/excuse for his behavior?

Why does he work so many hours? Are you a SAHM?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

This a tough one. My first reaction was that he is under appreciating you, but then I started to think about it more. There were a few clues in there that are telling me that may not be the case. Allow me a few follow up questions:
- What does he do for a living that keeps him working?
- Is money tight or are you living comfortably?
- How old are you both? How long have you been together / married?
- By, "the sex is fine." Are you referring to just frequency, or does he make sure your physical needs are met?
- What general types of activities do you do together as a couple?
- What general types of activities does he do with other people (friends, etc.)?
- Do you have any kids?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I am a man and I can offer you my perspective, but I don't know if it's actually representative of my gender in general or your husband in particular. 

When I have been in periods of working long hours, I really cherished the time with my wife. Time with the one I loved was the most rare and precious thing I had and I made the most of it. And nothing de-stresses like post-coital snuggle. 

What I'm curious about is does he really have to put in those kind of hours? If he owns his own business, or if he's in an unusually demanding job that requires it, that's one thing, but sometimes workaholism is a means of avoidance, which would be cause for concern. And as much as I hate to even mention it, are you absolutely sure he's actually working all those hours?


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

We've been dating 9 years/ married for 5. We have two children. I'm a SAHM but I do some side work for my own sanity. He loves his job but it's demanding and he works hard to stay relevant in it. We're not rich by any means but we don't want for much either. We're both 30. "Sex is fine" means 3-4 times a week and both satisfied. We've had our ups and downs over the years and I think I can say pretty confidently that sex is the only thing we're getting right at the moment. 
The thing that really triggered my current state of panic is that he had a somewhat significant problem recently and he didn't reach out to me. I could get into that story but the whole issue I'm having is that he didn't tell me what was going on with him. That's all it really boils down to. Am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? 

Yes, we're looking into counseling.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A few things to think about:

How much of the time you spend together is on fun things, and how much on chores? Obviously chores have to be done, but its possible that with everyone busy he has started associating time with you as "chore" time. ( I have to keep from feeling this way about my wife sometimes).

Does he need to work 80 hours a week? He may , or maybe it is a sort of macho work-culture sort of thing. 

Are you as busy as he is?


I think you are right to see this a an issue, but I think it may be a solvable one if you can figure out what is going on.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I am a man and I can offer you my perspective, but I don't know if it's actually representative of my gender in general or your husband in particular.
> 
> When I have been in periods of working long hours, I really cherished the time with my wife. Time with the one I loved was the most rare and precious thing I had and I made the most of it. And nothing de-stresses like post-coital snuggle.
> 
> What I'm curious about is does he really have to put in those kind of hours? If he owns his own business, or if he's in an unusually demanding job that requires it, that's one thing, but sometimes workaholism is a means of avoidance, which would be cause for concern. And as much as I hate to even mention it, are you absolutely sure he's actually working all those hours?


I'm sure he's working. He's loyal to a fault. So much so that I can't be sure he wouldn't make himself miserable out of loyalty to me. I love him. If I don't make him happy, I don't want him to stay. His job is legitimately demanding but he could cut back. He runs a department that requires the work of 1.5 people. He would get backed up if he didn't put in the extra hours, but would take a pay cut if they brought in a second person. I feel like he could occasionally make time without getting too messed up. He will if I ask him to, but never does it in his own. Avoidance is definitely a possibility, one that I've thrown out more than once over the years. He thinks it's a ridiculous suggestion.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

GHaynes said:


> Shouldn't he be missing me as much as I'm missing him?


I wouldn't insist he deal with it the same way you do, people deal with things differently.

That said, I don't think you should settle for the status quo. As others have said, does he really need to work this much, is it temporary, etc. It is promising he makes efforts. Maybe you need a schedule? And if he has to break the schedule, the onus is on him to reschedule(likewise for you).

The closest I can give you to a man's perspective is, sometimes it seems like talking frankly isn't in our best interest. I don't know if this is his issue, I've felt that way in some relationships and not others. A counsellor might help if it is, since he's not afraid the MC will hold a grudge.

Good luck.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

GHaynes said:


> I'm sure he's working. He's loyal to a fault. So much so that I can't be sure he wouldn't make himself miserable out of loyalty to me. I love him. If I don't make him happy, I don't want him to stay. His job is legitimately demanding but he could cut back. He runs a department that requires the work of 1.5 people. He would get backed up if he didn't put in the extra hours, but would take a pay cut if they brought in a second person. I feel like he could occasionally make time without getting too messed up. He will if I ask him to, but never does it in his own. Avoidance is definitely a possibility, one that I've thrown out more than once over the years. He thinks it's a ridiculous suggestion.


I'm glad your confident in his fidelity. 

If indeed he is " loyal to a fault. So much so that I can't be sure he wouldn't make himself miserable out of loyalty to me.", then he should respond positively when you let him know exactly how you're feeling.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

uhtred said:


> A few things to think about:
> 
> How much of the time you spend together is on fun things, and how much on chores? Obviously chores have to be done, but its possible that with everyone busy he has started associating time with you as "chore" time. ( I have to keep from feeling this way about my wife sometimes).
> 
> ...


The chores idea is a possibility I think I could fix. I hadn't even thought of that. We live a decent distance from our daughter's school, so I try to busy myself with errands out that way instead of driving all the way back home. I could try to get home more during the week to cut back on our weekend chores. 
It's both on the work part. He's trying to make himself invaluable in his job but he also measures his own self worth by his productivity. 
I try to stay busy but I also have to keep myself available for the kids' needs because he can't be.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'm glad your confident in his fidelity.
> 
> If indeed he is " loyal to a fault. So much so that I can't be sure he wouldn't make himself miserable out of loyalty to me.", then he should respond positively when you let him know exactly how you're feeling.


He does. He would do anything I asked him to, but only because I asked him to- not because he wants to. That's great and all, but I need him to crave that intimacy as much as I do.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> @GHaynes how long have you two been together, when did he start behaving this way?
> 
> You've outlined the issues you have with him, what are his issues with you?
> 
> ...


I missed this earlier. I'm not sure it hasn't always been this way. Looking back at it is very different than it seemed. The first few years, I was working and going to school full time. We didn't have much time to spend together but it seemed like we valued what little we did have more. I mentioned earlier that I always feel like I'm competing for his attention. Over the years, it's been his dad, his boss, his co-workers, his friends, even my dad at one point. I never felt it in the first couple years, but I could very well have just been oblivious to it. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who I discovered years later he was actually interested in before we met. (I learned this after said friend was no longer a part of our lives.) Nothing ever actually happened between them but it still felt betrayed. We fought about it but it wasn't really a solvable problem so we just kind of moved forward.
I'd say that was the first time I ever felt like I was the convenient option for him, but I don't know if it's always been like that and if it's felt that way ever since. It seems like we must've had some real passionate times over the years, but part of me is really worried that I've always just been the person he's supposed to be with rather than the one he wants.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Its just how he is. He loves you and his love language is acts of service....working hard and doing what you ask of him. He just not an emotional mushy type of guy.

In his mind he things he there for you. 80 hrs a week! 

I don't think you can change him. But you could accept him and realize this is how he shows love. And show him love the way you like to show love! Maybe just maybe he will come around on his own and start being more emotional as the years go by.

I'm very similiar. 


Sorry that probably wasn't much help.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I remember when my cousin's wife left him. She'd been a devoted wife and mother to their son and although she did complain and ask him to spend time with her and his family, he worked 80+ hours a week building his construction business, which became more and more successful. He was never home. Ever. When she finally left, that was the reason his wife told my mother (his aunt), and my mother's response was "Honey, you should appreciate a man who works so much to take care of his family. You have a fabulous home that he built for you and everything you could possibly want." Well, I was 12 years old at the time and didn't understand her complaint, nor did I understand it being a reason to leave him, so I thought my mother's advice made more sense. As an adult, I came to realize how she felt and that we, as women and wives, need our husband's attention, affection, and consideration. And we need to feel an important and equitable part of the union.

At the same time, I remember reading about wives who gently nudge their husbands awake to guide them to bed after they fell asleep in their favorite chair. I'm sure you do that, but this complaint alone isn't cause for resentment. You want him beside you, but all he wants is to wind down, and that causes him to shut down. He does work an awful lot so sometimes, usually I would wager, he doesn't have it in him to give late in the evening. I think you should wipe at least this one from your list, although I'm sure you just felt it was yet another among many. I'm not trying to diminish how you feel. I just think that since there are quite a few of his behaviors by which you utilize as barometer or your love meter, I think it would be easier to narrow the list down by compartmentalizing. That's something men are usually good at doing. We women, however, are great at multitasking but not so good at compartmentalizing.

It's good you guys are considering marriage counseling, and I think there's possibly more to it that a counselor may be able to evaluate and diagnose. It seems your husband is task-driven and associates accomplishment as directly related to an outcome he completed with his hands or his own effort. A guy like that would find it hard to associate accomplishment with cuddling and building marital/family bonds because he neither receives the mental reward of a completed task, nor can he recognize the satisfaction or value of it to you. 

I'm also wondering if he is ADD to some degree. Have you thought about that or compared symptoms to his behavior? Most people think ADD means a person is impulsive, can't focus on a particular task and is easily distracted. It does mean that, but it also means the person can be micro-focused and has to have something to focus on for which they can receive a mental reward upon completion.

Check those out and ask your counselor to consider evaluating him if s/he agrees.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

If that's the way he is, it is helpful. I never really thought of the "acts of service". He's like that with everyone so it makes sense that he just is that way. It doesn't explain the problem that triggered my worries, but it does help if I can isolate the issue and just solve the one.
So if you're the same way, you're saying he just doesn't need to talk about his stuff with me? I feel physically incapable of keeping things from him, so that one is really tough for me to wrap my head around. We're just opposite extremes?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

GHaynes said:


> If that's the way he is, it is helpful. I never really thought of the "acts of service". He's like that with everyone so it makes sense that he just is that way. It doesn't explain the problem that triggered my worries, but it does help if I can isolate the issue and just solve the one.
> So if you're the same way, you're saying he just doesn't need to talk about his stuff with me? I feel physically incapable of keeping things from him, so that one is really tough for me to wrap my head around. We're just opposite extremes?


OP I'm happy someone came on and pointed out the love languages difference. Assessing his needs vs yours would probably help too. I have to say that the LL and HNHN tests have been incredibly helpful for me/my partner in recognizing how differently we perceive situations and how differently we communicate the same things. Now when I have a problem with something he says/does, I try to put my assumptions aside and first ask that he explain xyz situation from his perspective.

The differences between his initial interpretations that lead to xyz behavior and mine, are really eye opening sometimes. In doing so we can usually both identify how each of us went wrong by making certain assumptions and acting on these wrongful assumptions.

So I agree that the problem may like in your assumptions about his behavior/his assumptions about his behavior comes across and is being interpreted by you.

Hence the reason I asked initially what was his reasoning for his behavior and what were some of his complaints about you. He likely has very few complaints beyond wishing you were more supportive of him and wanting more peace between you two. This was certainly the case with my partner when I thought all hell was breaking loose and he didn't want to spend any quality time with me.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Get The 5 Love Languages book & discuss with him frankly that "Quality Time" is one of your needs.

I am like your husband, lots of work taking care of needs and providing a living. You may want to let him know you would be willing to have less income in return for MORE of his time & being present.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

GHaynes said:


> The thing that really triggered my current state of panic is that he had a somewhat significant problem recently and he didn't reach out to me. I could get into that story but the whole issue I'm having is that he didn't tell me what was going on with him. That's all it really boils down to. Am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill?


well then this needs to be articulated. It is the cause of your panic and we can't really evaluate.

I don't bother my wife with money issues - we can have over $20K in net receivables and down to $1K in the checking account. I should be the one to worry about money, not her. If someone doesn't pay up it would be a problem but why should she fret? I don't want to hear about stains on the kitchen floor or the kids getting too big for their pants. 

So it could be something he feels is just his domain. But if not, then there needs to be an explanation.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

GHaynes said:


> I'm sure he's working. He's loyal to a fault. So much so that I can't be sure he wouldn't make himself miserable out of loyalty to me.


Just food for thought, that makes no sense to say. No one should be trusted so implicitly. And, he shouldn't trust you to that degree. It's healthy to trust your spouse, but it's healthier to maintain a sense of cautious skepticism regarding them.

Many businessmen have bent their secretaries over their desk. You have heard those stories. 
Many doctors have pinned some nurse to the walls of the linen facility. You have heard those stories.
Many bosses and co-workers bang each other in the backroom of a department store. You have heard those stories.

Don't think you are more special than all the millions of spouses who have been cheated on. Don't think your husband is so much more wonderful than all the other husbands who have cheated, while their wives sat at home talking about how much she trusts her husband. The mulititude of cheating threads on this board were not the figments of all those people's imagination. To even say you trust your husband so completely is nonsense, but to extol his goodness and inability to cheat on you is ludicrous because you cannot possibly know what he has done or what he is capable of doing. The only thing you are aware of is that you are UNaware of him ever cheating, and the one and only thing that you know for certain is that he has successfully convinced you that he never will.

Marriage Builders: Coping With Infidelity Part 1
_"B.D. trusted her spouse...That was a big mistake, as she later discovered."_

Marriage Builders: Coping With Infidelity Part 2
_"We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. *And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable*.

Look what happened to poor Kathy Lee Gifford. She stated publicly and wrote in one of her books that she trusted her husband completely, that he would never cheat on her. But she should not have trusted her husband. If she would have taken the steps she is now taking to help him avoid another affair, the first would never have taken place, and she would have avoided all its pain and embarrassment. I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. *Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe*."_


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Just food for thought, that makes no sense to say. No one should be trusted so implicitly. And, he shouldn't trust you to that degree. It's healthy to trust your spouse, but it's healthier to maintain a sense of cautious skepticism regarding them.
> 
> Many businessmen have bent their secretaries over their desk. You have heard those stories.
> Many doctors have pinned some nurse to the walls of the linen facility. You have heard those stories.
> ...


Of course anyone who has a spouse is vulnerable to being cheated on. And anyone who sleeps with them is vulnerable to being murdered in their sleep. But in both cases you choose to trust or not.

And hell yes my convictions protect me from cheating on my spouse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

GHaynes said:


> I need to know if my intuition is correct or if this is just a difference in the way men and women think/ react. I honestly don't know if I'm overreacting or refusing to accept the truth. Please be blunt.
> I want to start out by saying that I love my husband very much. He is the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back despite his upbringing that would turn most people into miserable beings. I'm concerned he doesn't really love me. I think he wants to or even believes he does, but so much of his behavior seems indifferent to me. He's not mean or anything to me. Our sex life is fine, though we could use more post-coital intimacy. He works a lot, like 80+ hours per week, so he's obviously exhausted. I try to wait up for him at night, though I don't always make it, but when I do he seems more interested in the TV. He always sleeps in his recliner, rather than in our bed. He told me that it was our mattress that bothered him but it's been almost a year since we've replaced it and he's still accidentally falling asleep out there. This isn't the first time (or second, third, fourth, etc) I've told him I'm feeling under prioritorized. It seems I'm always competing for his attention with someone or something. When I do address it, he corrects for a while but eventually we fall back into the same patterns. Plus, we've been together for quite some time now. I can tell the difference between when he's enjoying himself and when he's faking it (that's not a sex reference). When he's spending time with someone and truly enjoying it, you can't tear him away. When he's spending time with us and I think he's enjoying it, he'll jump at any excuse to leave or invite someone else to join us. Am I reading too much into this? Should I just be grateful that he's trying? Shouldn't he be missing me as much as I'm missing him? Shouldn't he, at least sometimes, want to make me top priority without me having to ask him? Is his work ethic so deeply ingrained that he just naturally makes it top priority?
> There's more examples of why I'm feeling this way but they're all along the same theme. Just tiny things that reinforce my feelings of not being considered. Thoughts?



- he works about 80 hours week? That's insane and 2 full time jobs to support the household.

- he crashes on the couch to watch tv and falls asleep. Totally understandable.

- he is definitely overworked and exhausted.

- you are lonely and miss his attention, so you even try to stay awake when he gets home.


When my dad was initially working 12 hour days 5 to 6 days every week, mom was upset because she hardly saw him and was raising my sister and I. This led to fights and other issues, until he clued in and they talked about it. At that point dad started working mondays thru fridays and 7am to 5pm. Mom was much happier, spending time with him, he wasn't exhausted and everything improved. For dad, he was the sole provider while mom was raising the both of us, so he worked a lot to make the big money, nice house cars, etc.


- Can your hubby cut back on working so much like my dad also did?


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I don't need to explain our relationship. I have no doubt in my mind he had never been unfaithful to me. I may have a thousand doubts but that ain't one.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

GHaynes said:


> I don't need to explain our relationship. I have no doubt in my mind he had never been unfaithful to me. I may have a thousand doubts but that ain't one.


Well okay. Don't be touch about it. I, and some marriage counselors, think it's unwise, but you feel the way you feel. It was only food for thought.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I'm not touchy. It may be rare but I could never be that "unwise" with him so I think it's fair to trust that he could be the same to me. I'm more saddened that you and other counselors think that infidelity should be so commonplace.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You have gotten great thoughts and advice. Mine is a teeny little extra thought. When I faced a similar dilemma, it was more effective to BE fun and funny than to ask for more effort. DH is currently bearing the financial load. He does not have a crazy schedule like your husband, but he carries stress around things. Yes he wants to sit on butt sometimes. But he does want to engage with us family members. But he does not always want to be responsible for dreaming up said engagement on a regular basis. While neither of us have acts of service as our love language, taking care of creature comfort is always welcome. My kids are older. But I suggest low grade things that are easy for him like a card or board game. I would suggest thinking of fun that is not another burden and see if introducing that would be helpful.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

StarFires said:


> I remember when my cousin's wife left him. She'd been a devoted wife and mother to their son and although she did complain and ask him to spend time with her and his family, he worked 80+ hours a week building his construction business, which became more and more successful. He was never home. Ever. When she finally left, that was the reason his wife told my mother (his aunt), and my mother's response was "Honey, you should appreciate a man who works so much to take care of his family. You have a fabulous home that he built for you and everything you could possibly want." Well, I was 12 years old at the time and didn't understand her complaint, nor did I understand it being a reason to leave him, so I thought my mother's advice made more sense. As an adult, I came to realize how she felt and that we, as women and wives, need our husband's attention, affection, and consideration. And we need to feel an important and equitable part of the union.
> 
> At the same time, I remember reading about wives who gently nudge their husbands awake to guide them to bed after they fell asleep in their favorite chair. I'm sure you do that, but this complaint alone isn't cause for resentment. You want him beside you, but all he wants is to wind down, and that causes him to shut down. He does work an awful lot so sometimes, usually I would wager, he doesn't have it in him to give late in the evening. I think you should wipe at least this one from your list, although I'm sure you just felt it was yet another among many. I'm not trying to diminish how you feel. I just think that since there are quite a few of his behaviors by which you utilize as barometer or your love meter, I think it would be easier to narrow the list down by compartmentalizing. That's something men are usually good at doing. We women, however, are great at multitasking but not so good at compartmentalizing.
> 
> ...





I think this is very good advice. As a guy who can also work long hours when the situation demands, I agree with a lot of this. 



To OP: When you are together, what kinds of activities do?

I ask because I am reminded of a conversation I had with a female friend of mine a few years ago (we grew up together and have always been buddies, nothing more). She complained that her husband stopped showing any interest in doing anything together and she was getting upset about it, especially after he started ditching her to hang with his friends more often. I asked what they did when they were together and she replied things like wine tasting, shopping, antiquing... I stopped her mid sentence and told her if she knocked off all the girly crap, maybe he showed some more interest. Give a little and she'd get some back. Turned out that he liked spending time with her after all when the activities became more balanced (For them: hikes in the woods, movies, board games, etc. ). 

I don't know if this has any relevance to your situation, but if your husband has VERY little free time on his hands, then he's going to value it greatly. He may want to spend time with you, but not necessarily want to spend it doing the things you do end up doing while together...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Here's my perspective:

I've worked **** ass hours of long ass days and come home completely mentally drained.

All I've wanted to do when coming home would be to eat, and not do a damn thing for a while.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Wow! This actually sounds like me in some respects. I was working a 9-5 and a side business that kept me up til 2-3 in the morning but I still had plenty of time after work and until her and the kids went to bed to spend time with them. I wouldn't do business work until they went to bed and my wife doesn't stay up late, so she was in bed right along with the kids. I liked to fall asleep on the couch but over a number of years, I actually would fall asleep on our kids' floors and then go back to work on the computer. 

In my head, I thought I was doing everything for my wife and my kids. I would send her flowers, make holidays and anniversaries special, etc. Intimacy and communication were not as great as I wanted but when I tried to initiate, she didn't want it and when I would try to interact conversation it was like pulling teeth, even though she would blame me for not talking to her but over time i just grew weary of her attitude. 

Still, we had our good times, more good than bad and if anything, most of the time content and ok. I thought we were getting better as the kids got older, we could spend more adult time together, just hanging out, going out and talking to each other ... by then it was two late.

We are now 4 months from a finalized divorce and 10 months into her deep love affair with someone she thinks gives her the ultimate happiness and that our marriage wasn't good anyway. They are on a bit of a hiatus right now, for the 2nd time as his wife found out again 2 weeks ago and he is back to trying to convince his wife that he only loves her. Anywhoo, the moral of the story ......

I thought everything was ok, the affair and after that her saying she thought it was best to divorce, hit me out of nowhere and like a ton of breaks, even though there were probably warning signs there (nudges), not blatant words to say you better do this or else and by the time I went into super-husband mode, it was already too late. 7 months of being everything I thought I wanted and she wanted, turned out to be me working on everything and her furthering her affair. Again, moral of the story, please make it blatantly known how he feels, I bet a $100, even though you are trying, it's just not sinking in with him. He needs to get the message and realize how important this is to you, to save you both the heartache of what I am going through now. I have a hunch he loves you dearly but probably thinks things are 'OK'


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

toblerone said:


> Here's my perspective:
> 
> I've worked **** ass hours of long ass days and come home completely mentally drained.
> 
> All I've wanted to do when coming home would be to eat, and not do a damn thing for a while.


I agree, and it had nothing to do with a wife, a spouse, nobody, a dog, a cat, nada.

In my entire life I have never been able to switch from "on" to "off" in a bed. I eventually get to bed, but I fall asleep on a couch, a chair, etc. TV on bad show.

Working 80 hours a week? the guy is drained!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Personally I think he is near exhaustion. He is showing some symptoms of sleep deprivation. It can come off looking as if he has adult attention deficit disorder, the symptoms look like he is disinterested, and then becomes suddenly interested in changing location or seeing a new person in the conversation. I think you would serve yourselves better by telling him that he must slow down. Weekends should be used strictly for decompression versus chores. 

First, get him to a doctor. He needs a physical. 30 can see the onset of several conditions, and he needs a thorough work up to determine what is going on. Let me put it this way, in my 30's I was building a career, I killed at my job. I would work 80 hour weeks. I was also over 300lbs and smoked like a chimney. Two months after my 40th, I awoke on a Sunday morning to an alarming feeling. My right arm was numb and the feeling extended up my neck. I was having difficulty breathing. My wife called 911. It was my first heart attack. I recovered, but it drove home one thing that I had not anticipated. I was off work for a month. I was not missed. My supervisor basically pissed on me, told me that my contract did not pay for sick leave and I should have gone on unemployment. Three months later, I dropped them like a hot potato. Learned that nobody ever went to their grave regretting that they did not spend enough time at work. My attitude changed from that point on. I worked enough to put food on the table, but I resolved to find or make a position where family came first. 

That is an attitude that has to be changed. While he is out building a career, he is neglecting the most important parts of his life. That needs to change.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

GHaynes said:


> I'm not touchy. It may be rare but I could never be that "unwise" with him so I think it's fair to trust that he could be the same to me. I'm more saddened that you and other counselors think that infidelity should be so commonplace.


I'm not sure what you misunderstood, but no one suggested infidelity "should" be commonplace. The more logical inferrence is that it is commonplace, or at least occurs often enough that people shouldn't live blind to the possibility since no betrayed spouse expected it to happen and trusted their other half completely, and then found out they shouldn't have. People who are unhappy, feeling lonely or neglected are the ones who are most vulnerable. And that sounds like you. So how would you feel if you found out your husband has been having an affair or even a series of trysts during all this time you thought he was over working himself? It makes no sense to think you could not be "unwise to him" when you're not with him around the clock and came here in "panic" wondering why he seems to prefer poking out his right eye than be in your company.

What if you tried everything but nothing worked? What if he kept on being away from home instead of spending time with you as you ask? And then what if someone starts paying you the attention that you long for? Of course you'll have a ready answer for that, but the point is that's often the way affairs occur. Therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis coined the phrase "Walk Away Wife" because that type of scenario is the reason many women file for divorce. She gets tired of asking her husband to be a husband to her. Once many women get to that point, she has entertained the company of another.

I was humble to your initial, and most unnecessary, response of righteous indignation, but then you replied to that with the same kind of silliness. You have no idea what your husband does and, like I said, all you know is that he successfully convinced you that he's not capable. Therapists who write to admonish and advise others are the ones who spend their careers encountering people just like you and those who actually did have an affair, so they know the advice to give those like you who consider themselves above the fray and know everything to hear the advice they are given, or at least to graciously accept even if they ignore it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Keep communicating with him, to the point you're sure he understands. It sounds like he loves you. Just my 2 cents.

Work items, if having tell a wife the full story of things can take too long and keep a H from relaxing. He can sincerely by trying to share because he wants to show his live by sharing as you asked, but that can feel like rehashing to him.

But as men, we are taught to problem solve, not to invest time in a topic when no business benefit exists.
I can tell you what I do, it may or may not help.....I don't talk much about work with my wife (married over 33 yrs) but talk about family stuff. But I know she's my equal, and she knows I love her very much. I tell her every day.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'll add a bit more. True, we don't talk about everything. But she knows about all our accounts, has all passwords, we have a plan for her if I were to be in a tragic car accident/similar, has all life insurance policy information, etc. The things I don't necessarily talk with her about aren't things hidden from her. Some things can be not talked about without being something being hidden.
We can look at reaches phones any time without a negative connotation. She knows all about all our finances. Maybe not how all accounts came to pass but knows of the accounts, and all are joint accounts. She knows balances, and how to get to them if I'm hospitalized or other. We don't separate finances.

On the trust issues; if she's going to lie to me, I'd act swiftly and if she feels she has to lie to me, that's on her. And vise versa. But she knows our finances and that gives her parity in our relationship.


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