# Married 28 Plus but far apart and no growth



## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

Excuse the rant...but I never thought in a million years I would be doing this. I am married to a person who was my first and only Blind date. We have had plenty of good times. However over the years we seem to be growing apart as we have no common interests left. Every time we go out and meet people she shy’s away, I cannot even go out and have smoke or she goes ballistic because I was gone for a while. She has no friends, never has... Depends on me for all financial decisions, car repairs, house work, Savings, 401k decisions, bank accounts, anything that has to do with finances she has no interest, will not help pay bills, Mail letters, return products… It goes on and on. I am tired of doing it all. I even vote for her…
I have asked her to attend college but she refused to go. She has not even taken one class of any kind in 28 years. No Matter what I do, or say, I cannot motivate here to plan anything, join a club, and do anything beside what she wants to do. Which typically is being around the house and watching TV and sitting in the yard, yet she continues to complain that she has no friends. All of our friends we have met have been through my activities. Which I have to typically stop because she does not like some part of it and it is too inconvenient. I can't even talk on the phone to my friends for a long period of time or she gets mad. 
She calls me depressing because I am predisposed with my new Job, I work about 50 hours a week. I am a Director of an IT department.. So I am constantly working or thinking of work. We have grown apart; I cannot motivate her to start anything. I pretty much do everything and on top of this I run a family business in another state. So I am always thinking about what to do and how to resolve problems. She always offers to help with everything but never does anything, as with most of the tasks we have. Volunteers and then expect me to show here what to do every time something needs to be done... So it uses more of my times and then it can only be done when she is in the mood to do it.... I know this is a rant but it is off the top of my head and I am frustrated beyond belief... We are basically good friends, she has no sex drive, no interest in anything but our new dog, which I trained and she is detraining it.... We both know we should separate or divorce but being together for so long it is almost normal for us not to really care..... It get realbad when she drinks, she get downright mean about stuff for instance we were at a local bar and a few drinks. Which I did not want to go but she did… So I finally gave in and went. Now we are new to the area, and one of our neighbors was there, we went out for a smoke and about 15 minutes later she came out and told us that I can get a ride home with the neighbors and she was leaving right now. I have only met them once before… We were in shock… as she came off as a real *****.. She was sitting at the bar by herself for a while and did not like it.. (We know the owner) 
This behavior has been getting worse and worse. We have been to counseling before and she blew off everything that was discussed and I have looked into attending again but my insurance does not cover this. I have asked her to check with her company but she just blew it off. Have never heard another word about it. . I do not know what to do…. Even tonight I was scolded for being rude and an ******* for not wanting to drink more wine with her… I do not speak this type of language. I do not get it… I buy her stuff all the time out of the blue, she never has, I even bought her the dog she loves, then trained it… Maybe she is just spoiled beyond belief and I have given too much… BTW, I am not perfect to say the least. I can be a slob; an ass hole at times, I have magazines in the bathroom and on the coffee tables… but I am known for patience, understanding and teaching with everyone we know.. However I know I can be a jerk… but can’t we all. I am so confused and looking for opinions and advice.

I think we should get seprated for a while and see... but ...


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I am also in the growing apart phase, I say phase because i'm hoping that it is just a phase, a part of a long marriage,a chapter in the book, a hurtle to overcome. Let us hope!! 

Was your wife always a home-body or has she become one over the years? Many women find themselves slipping away as we get older. We stop caring so much about our appearences, while this only makes us feel bad about ourselves and not want to leave the house. (I never said we were the smartest fish in the sea.. we are defintely a complicated species of our own) 

Does your wife have any interest that maybe you can become involved in? Do you compromise about the things you want to do? A women becomes needy when she feels alone in this big world. I don't know your wife, but as you descibed her, she sounds lonely, and maybe a bit depressed too! We all need lifelines.. friends.. family.. pets.. people that love us and make us smile! 

Perhaps it is time to end your marriage, if you think it would be better for the both of you. Would she be happier if she had more responsibility and had to live on her own and make something of herself? Would you be happy to be alone or meet someone else with common interest?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

With a 28-year marriage, I'm assuming you're in the 50ish age range -- there are plenty of vibrant, intelligent, fun 50-year old women out there. I do not think that your wife has kept up her end of the partnership, and I think you should leave now rather than later. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't see her doing much to keep you around, and you should enjoy these years while you can.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

_______________
I am also in the growing apart phase, I say phase because i'm hoping that it is just a phase, a part of a long marriage,a chapter in the book, a hurtle to overcome. Let us hope!! 

Was your wife always a home-body or has she become one over the years? Many women find themselves slipping away as we get older. We stop caring so much about our appearences, while this only makes us feel bad about ourselves and not want to leave the house. (I never said we were the smartest fish in the sea.. we are defintely a complicated species of our own) 
___________________


Thanks, but she has no real hobbies or intetests. When she starts one, she will drop it. In all theyears I have known her she has never really had any friends...I am her only friend.. As far as pets go, we have had many pets, we have a 14 month old GSD now which she spends a great deal of time with. I do feel selfish as I am the one who takes care of everything, she does nothing but cvacuum and keep the house pristine for the guests who never come over. I have tried to get her engaged in our life, I tried to get her to go to college and take some courses but nope..... anything, just something, once again a few weeks ago, she said she was going to plan a weekend to Victoria, BC...Nothing ... another example, We have some great neighbors who have asked up for dinner, she accepted, once the day comes she does not want to go, I have to basically get in an huge discussion, then she gives in and has a great time but I am usually so stressed by then it takes me a while to relax. This makes everything very difficult, even going to the store can be a challenge. I think she is just as unhappy with this situation but has become used to living this way. It is wearing my soul down.. I am just frustrated.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

lamaga said:


> With a 28-year marriage, I'm assuming you're in the 50ish age range -- there are plenty of vibrant, intelligent, fun 50-year old women out there. I do not think that your wife has kept up her end of the partnership, and I think you should leave now rather than later. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't see her doing much to keep you around, and you should enjoy these years while you can.


Yes, I am 54, but lucky for me, I do not look it.....lol.. although sometimes my bones crekk like it.. lol.. Funny, I see you are from Austin, my email is short for "want 2 be tex".. I lived there for about 6 years and miss it terribly, one of my thoughts are to move back, and get another degree at Univeristy of Texas.. Yes I wish it was that esy, I to have falen into the, situatin that is is comfortable and I am used to it... however, your opinion is noted, and it does have a ring of truth to it. 

As far as the woman things goes, I do have a great freind that lives in Covington, Texas but she is a single mom that I used to work with and have helped withher kids before,and yes my wife did also.. Her advice was "some people get caught up in doing what they think is right rather following their heart, it is always harder to follow your heart." I am not sure what this really means but I need to get it as I beleive it is a riddle based on her Native American heritage.. ... However I do respect her words as she is quite unique and wise beyond her age but 14 years younger than I. Totally different life.. I am still trying to figure this out.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

First off, 2betex, hook 'em! Class of 81 here.

Secondly, that's really not much of a riddle. She's telling you the same thing I did.

Funny, I always wondered if anyone actually lived in Covington! I stop there at the Exxon when I drive to Dallas.

Keep posting, we'll be happy to accompany you on this journey.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

Maybe it is wrong but last Friday night I had some drinks and was feeling pretty good. When the wife brought up we have nothing in common anymore and are growing part. I agreed and caught hell. 
I don't talk this female language thing. I wish I did. We basically agreed at that moment that we probably should separate she said she wanted out dog. I said Ok... but then yesterday, as if nothing happened she was all happy and actually appeared to be enjoying herself. Makes thinking sort of hard. I am curious to know if someone else has seen this type of behavior.. I do not get it.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

lamaga said:


> First off, 2betex, hook 'em! Class of 81 here.
> 
> Secondly, that's really not much of a riddle. She's telling you the same thing I did.
> 
> ...


I guess it is not a riddle but I am naive. and have been in relationship a long time...I am tired and I am running out of gas. I really do not know how to cut this loose and how to go about it. ... How do you leave? Who has ever done this after 28 years and how? I want to go to Austin/Dallas maybe even Covington.. So double edged thing, new job, new life back to Texas would be great.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

The saga continues.. as I had a painful discussion today. The wife sat me down and said the past is over let just look forward. I asked why I cannot use history as a measure of the future. We have 28 years of history and me doing everything, Ideally in a perfect world, starting over would be great but I am out of gas. I explained we have been to counseling before and she did not take any of the advice, and still has not. She keeps telling me forget the past. Well how can I? I do care about her but I do not know if I can live the rest of my life in this wish wash life style. She told that she is not happy I guess I should grow a set and just leave. But I promised to go to counseling one more time. I really do not want to but... I usually do what is right and not follow the heart. Advice? opinions?


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

Am I wrong for wanting out? Should i give up 28 years ...all this time and effort to start over? I am totally at a loss, I feel so lost I can hardly explain it. I find it rather depressing that you read on these sites all of the crap that people go through and I do not understand how "we" let this type of situation continue, havs our lives become so hard and lost that we loose focus on what should be done. I am in a tail spin and really think that life has more to offer than just "going through the motions". I want to be happy and not just a robot and move through life like it is a duty. Lately I have been loaded with doubt and bewilderment, I am very productive, smart and the "perverbial nice guy" but when it come to women and relationships, I have never been more lost. What is it with the game playing, lack of consideration, when did society become so self absorbed that the only thing that seems to some partners that its all about them and how can i do what I want and take advantage of the other partner. I am scared to leave as I have never been on my own , per se... I do not have the support in my family nor many friends at this point. (my wife pretty runs them away) Damn I am scared and at a cross roads.


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