# Advice Needed!!



## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

If you don't know my background info, here it is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/15749-wife-moved-out-yesterday.html

My wife and I go to the same therapist. The therapist says that my wife is not ready for me to try to contact her. The therapist thinks that most things that I would do to show my wife love will likely just push her away more. She said she would schedule a therapy visit with both of us eventually. Even if my wife just wants to give me closure and say that she will never come back. That visit would be my worst nightmare. 

I hate no contact. I know its me being selfish but it feels so anti-productive to do nothing. I have the typical male ego and want to try to fix things. I keep reading posts where men "MAN UP" and sometimes it works. Guys will go to their wife and pour their hearts out. For some people this works. Their wife realizes that they love them and they make a new connection. I feel like doing this but I value my therapists opinion. What I am thinking about doing is less evasive. Im thinking about taking baby steps. I know that my wife will not like me knocking on her door and asking to have a deep discussion. I am thinking about texting her and ask her to have a phone conversation with me. No pressure. I want to let her know that I miss talking to her. Let her know that we have a child and it would be best if we can at least be friends. It would be nice to know what is going on in her life since she left. Leave it open for her to call when she feels comfortable. I would not apply pressure in the conversation. Just see how she is doing and ask her what she has been up to. Maybe tell her what my baby and I do when we are away from her. Let her know that I am ok. 

I know what most people will say. I know that I should probably move on and leave her alone. I just don't want to give up. I just don't like doing nothing. Divorce is not something that I can except easily. Me making a gesture of friendship seems better than no contact. If she will talk to me, maybe she will remember what she loved about me. 

My family says to ask this question to my therapist before acting. What does everybody think?

Thanks for reading my post. Yall have given me great support.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

If you are open and honest to your therapist and trust them I would also suggest asking.

I read your story. It's interesting. In the beginning I feel sorry for your wife as it appeared you left her alone when she needed you during difficult months after the birth of your daughter but then it turns and it looks as though you were left to care for your daughter the majority of the time with your wife being away.

How you felt during that time was perfectly normal for anyone caring for a child and feeling alone. You wife's feelings after giving birth were also perfectly normal and it sounds as though both of you have built up resentment surrounding your daughter when it should have been a beautiful time for both of you. This stinks but there is nothing you can do about it now besides apologize and understand one another.

Then on to all the other posts I read. It's almost as if you're taking on the female role in this relationship. You seem over emotional, without self control and unstable. Your wife can't fall back in love with you if the you that you're allowing yourself to become is a complete mess.

Work on yourself. Explain to your wife that you understand she may need for you to let her go and you're ready to begin working on yourself. Tell her you want to leave the door back to a relationship open but recognize that is only possible if she decides it is something she wants.

Then you need to move on from screwing your life up to fixing yourself up. Focus on you and your daughter. Take some classes. Rearrange the house and prepare for a life without your wife, even consider the attract-ability of other women. 

I'm not saying your wife may never come back but it's time to prepare for that possibility and let her know you, too, are capable of moving on in life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You aren't doing nothing. You are going to counseling and that says something about your interest in working things out.

if the counselor, who is intimately familiar with your situation, says not to contact her, listen to her.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Im listening to the therapist. Im not going to do anything that will further hurt my relationship.


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