# Self Pleasure



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

So my husband and I have been married for 15 years - we are very open with our sex life and can get quite kinky. With that being said though, self-pleasure in his eyes is downright wrong and nasty... since day one I have expressed to him the fantasy of watching himself please, while I return the same favor.... while watching each other. He has turned it down saying that since we have each other, there is no need for self-pleasure. He works out of town sometimes and I have begged for some fun over video chat, but was turned down because that is just nasty and 'he doesn't do that'. He even made me feel guilty for wanting to please myself without him there. Self-pleasure as we all know is healthy and totally normal. 

With that being said, I recently caught him, and am not sure if I should confront him. I don't want to confront him in a way he feels ashamed but I am more upset he has pretended for all these years, he does not do that, when in fact he does. Why is he hiding it? Why is he ashamed? What to do... HELP


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> So my husband and I have been married for 15 years - we are very open with our sex life and can get quite kinky. With that being said though, self-pleasure in his eyes is downright wrong and nasty... since day one I have expressed to him the fantasy of watching himself please, while I return the same favor.... while watching each other. He has turned it down saying that since we have each other, there is no need for self-pleasure. He works out of town sometimes and I have begged for some fun over video chat, but was turned down because that is just nasty and 'he doesn't do that'. He even made me feel guilty for wanting to please myself without him there. Self-pleasure as we all know is healthy and totally normal.
> 
> With that being said, I recently caught him, and am not sure if I should confront him. I don't want to confront him in a way he feels ashamed but I am more upset he has pretended for all these years, he does not do that, when in fact he does. Why is he hiding it? Why is he ashamed? What to do... HELP


My first guess would be that it's linked to his childhood. If his parents shamed him for masturbating or had over-the-top religious views, that'd do it.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Sounds like for whatever reason your husband feels masturbation is something to be ashamed of. Probably something from his childhood. Was he raised in a strict religious household? I think it is something your should discuss. Tell him you know he does it and he shouldn't be ashamed.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

There was just another thread about this not long ago. Turn it around and tell him you think its hot that you caught him and want to do it together. Win win for both of you!


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

It's the exact opposite at my house. My wife doesn't like masturbating in front of me (I'm not sure she likes it as a rule anyway, I've never caught her, though I can hope) I don't think it has anything to do with her childhood. 

She likes to watch me masturbate for her and seems to get off on it. So, my strategy is to keep it up and who knows? I like doing that for her anyway so if she joins the party in time - great but I can go solo in the meantime. 

Have you just started doing it in front of him and seeing where that takes things?


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

bobert said:


> My first guess would be that it's linked to his childhood. If his parents shamed him for masturbating or had over-the-top religious views, that'd do it.


Maybe but I do not think it is anything to do with at of than. I grew up on a farm and my dad used to have us go and help the hired bull to sex the cows. I had my own and my brothers and I used to put the ram with the females in an enclosure and watch them having sex. My dad's friend had donkeys and if you have ever seen donkeys having sex you will know that it is fascinating and frightening too. I knew all about the birds and the bees from childhood. my mum used to answer questions easily and effortlessly. My dad did not use same clear language as my mum but he answered questions and drew diagrams. 

Yet I was a virgin till age 24 and when I married my grandmother had described oral sex to me and positions etc two years or so before yet it was 18 months or more into marriage before We varied from maybe three positions. The main factor was openness with each other and also deciding whose responsibility to do what. I thought everything was his responsibility and he had also been a virgin and was as informed as me or less as I had had some grand-parental and parental discussions on the matter. 
Many items on the menu that we did not know we might like as we had not tried them.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> There was just another thread about this not long ago. Turn it around and tell him you think its hot that you caught him and want to do it together. Win win for both of you!


The thing is I have tried this. Not mentioning I know but told him it would turn me on to see him in action and I would even love to join in myself. But when I bring it up he's disgusted. He even accused me afterward that since I suggested it then that meant I was doing it alone and that made him angry.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Sounds like for whatever reason your husband feels masturbation is something to be ashamed of. Probably something from his childhood. Was he raised in a strict religious household? I think it is something your should discuss. Tell him you know he does it and he shouldn't be ashamed.


Neither grew up in a strict or religious environment. So I do not know this is the case.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

bobert said:


> My first guess would be that it's linked to his childhood. If his parents shamed him for masturbating or had over-the-top religious views, that'd do it.


Neither grew up in a strict or religious environment. So I do not know this is the case


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Something many may not know, or maybe do but don't comprehend; when kids grow up on a working livestock farm it leads to healthy, well adjusted views on sexuality. This from personal growing up on a farm and associating with those that did, and many who didn't. 

There is a definite difference in sexual views, and liberations from societal imposed guilt, etc.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel


You don't tell him under those circumstances. Ditch the camera that's gonna cause more problems than you want.
Next time you're intimate, give him a show and see what happens.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You don't tell him under those circumstances. Ditch the camera that's gonna cause more problems than you want.
> Next time your intimate, give him a show and see what happens.


I like this idea!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel


Did you install this camera to catch him jacking off? You’ve been married for over a decade and are videoing your husband without his permission? Is this in the bedroom? In some states you are committing an actual crime. I think you need more help than getting your husband to masturbate for you. I would also submit that people that have to “spy” on their spouses are not “happily married” as your user name suggests.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Did you install this camera to catch him jacking off? You’ve been married for over a decade and are videoing your husband without his permission? Is this in the bedroom? In some states you are committing an actual crime. I think you need more help than getting your husband to masturbate for you. I would also submit that people that have to “spy” on their spouses are not “happily married” as your user name suggests.


LOL. Lets get one thing straight.... you dont know me so please dont place judgement. If you dont agree then why even reapond to the thread. I have no trust issues. My thing is Ive been begging for him to do this with me since first married and have been shut down and actually criticized due to me even wanting to watch or do together. I only wanted confirmation he does it to so I can try and adress us doing it together.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your husband obviously believes and reasonably enough so that masturbation is a private act. It was a terrible breach what you did. Just because you think you have the goods on him doesn't mean he is going to give in to your demands. You are just bullying him at this point. It sounds like you yourself have a fetish you need to deal with, and not by forcing it on other people.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

There is a movement afoot among the Red Pillers and MGTOW guys called "no fap", which extolls the benefits of semen retention. That doesn't have anything to do with this thread, but it is something that some men are practicing. I think it is interesting.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> LOL. Lets get one thing straight.... you dont know me so please dont place judgement. If you dont agree then why even reapond to the thread. I have no trust issues. My thing is Ive been begging for him to do this with me since first married and have been shut down and actually criticized due to me even wanting to watch or do together. I only wanted confirmation he does it to so I can try and adress us doing it together.


And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was


DownByTheRiver said:


> Your husband obviously believes and reasonably enough so that masturbation is a private act. It was a terrible breach what you did. Just because you think you have the goods on him doesn't mean he is going to give in to your demands. You are just bullying him at this point. You should be ashamed of yourself. It sounds like you yourself have a fetish you need to deal with, and not by forcing it on other people.


Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was
> 
> Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down


Also, I am not trying to bully him into doing it I jist want him to know I am ok with it, its a healthy thing for anyone.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was
> 
> Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down


it was a terrible breach of his privacy because you already knew he did not want to share that with you. You think your needs are more important than his at this point and that is sadly just not the case.

You came here for opinions and advice but now you're getting mad when it's not what you wanted to hear.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> Neither grew up in a strict or religious environment. So I do not know this is the case


It doesn’t necessarily have to religious indoctrination.

Many non religious men of yesteryear were raised to believe that masturbation was an affront to their masculinity and virility.

Many men were raised that male masturbation was gross and depraved and that only guys that can’t get a girlfriend would be so desperate to spank themselves. 

The other message with that is if their female partner masturbates, that means they have a tiny penis and are otherwise unable to please their partner.

The net result is that masturbation is viewed as a negative force that implies they are inadequate as a man and as a lover. 

This can be very deep seated if not an actual core value in some men that will be very difficult if not impossible to overcome.

My only suggestion would be to watch some amateur XXX videos together of men spanking and couples engaging in mutual masturbation and openly express and demonstrate that it turns you on and that you’d like to indulge. 

If that doesn’t work, you may be barking up the wrong tree here.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> it was a terrible breach of his privacy because you already knew he did not want to share that with you. You think your needs are more important than his at this point and that is sadly just not the case.
> 
> You came here for opinions and advice but now you're getting mad when it's not what you wanted to hear.


Not getting mad. But you are placing judgement and saying I need help and this and that. I understand the cam was wrong but how else would one confirm if he wont be honest about it. Every time I have brought it up in the past I have been criticized by HIM for even wanting to do such a thing. So for my sake, having a gut feeling he was doing it, wanted to confirm before I tried to talk to him about it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's no reason that justifies you confirming this in this way. It's private to him and you should respect that. I guess you feel you shouldn't have any boundaries with your husband but most people have some boundaries even with people close to them. The fact that you've been haranguing him about this all these years tells me that this is more your issue than it is his.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's no reason that justifies you confirming this in this way. It's private to him and you should respect that. I guess you feel you shouldn't have any boundaries with your husband but most people have some boundaries even with people close to them. The fact that you've been haranguing him about this all these years tells me that this is more your issue than it is his.


I think it honestly all comes down to me being criticized and talked to like its a bad thing and I should not have to do that, if I have him... so my confusion is why would he tell me that if he does it.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> I think it honestly all comes down to me being criticized and talked to like its a bad thing and I should not have to do that, if I have him... so my confusion is why would he tell me that if he does it.


To add to this he HAS caught me and was very angry. Why get angry about something he does too


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Your obsession with this and the lengths you will go to snoop and confirm it is alarming. Give the man his privacy. Not everything in a marriage is an open book.


----------



## New Dawn! (Nov 21, 2020)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> So my husband and I have been married for 15 years - we are very open with our sex life and can get quite kinky. With that being said though, self-pleasure in his eyes is downright wrong and nasty... since day one I have expressed to him the fantasy of watching himself please, while I return the same favor.... while watching each other. He has turned it down saying that since we have each other, there is no need for self-pleasure. He works out of town sometimes and I have begged for some fun over video chat, but was turned down because that is just nasty and 'he doesn't do that'. He even made me feel guilty for wanting to please myself without him there. Self-pleasure as we all know is healthy and totally normal.
> 
> With that being said, I recently caught him, and am not sure if I should confront him. I don't want to confront him in a way he feels ashamed but I am more upset he has pretended for all these years, he does not do that, when in fact he does. Why is he hiding it? Why is he ashamed? What to do... HELP


Okay. So here is my take. Perhaps he does it occasionally and is not proud of it...would prefer not to...wants to stop doing it. I think that the kindest thing to do would be to confront but have a nice conversation about it. Find out where he's at. Don't shame him at all, but lovingly come to an understanding. He can't reasonably expect you not to do it going forward but I think he may still have grounds for not wanting to do it in front of you nor watching you do it, all of which I think should be respected. 

There is much more to life and love making than masturbating. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Happily married you say? Thank God for that and focus on your positives. A lot of us here are not so privileged. Blessings.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Your obsession with this and the lengths you will go to snoop and confirm it is alarming. Give the man his privacy. Not everything in a marriage is an open book.


That's fair


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

New Dawn! said:


> Okay. So here is my take. Perhaps he does it occasionally and is not proud of it...would prefer not to...wants to stop doing it. I think that the kindest thing to do would be to confront but have a nice conversation about it. Find out where he's at. Don't shame him at all, but lovingly come to an understanding. He can't reasonably expect you not to do it going forward but I think he may still have grounds for not wanting to do it in front of you nor watching you do it, all of which I think should be respected.
> 
> There is much more to life and love making than masturbating. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Happily married you say? Thank God for that and focus on your positives. A lot of us here are not so privileged. Blessings.


You are right. I think I got so stuck on it with him shaming me but this definitely makes sense and could be why.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Your obsession with this and the lengths you will go to snoop and confirm it is alarming. Give the man his privacy. Not everything in a marriage is an open book.


I get what you are saying. I think instead of my obsession being the 'masturbation ' part is we are so open and honest about everything else, I wanted him to be honest about this. But as some have said, of after a century he hasnt been open about it, he wont going forward either.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to throw out there that if this were a man trying to get his wife to do something she wasn’t comfortable with and was against her values and sensibilities, people would be gathering pitchforks and torches and forming a mob in the street to storm the castle. 

You need to think of how you would feel if someone was pressuring you to do something against your values and was hiding cameras in your home to “catch” you in something for them to use as ammunition to further pressure you. 

You may feel people are getting on you harshly, but If a guy did this to a woman, he would be torn apart in the street.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I also want to throw out there that if this were a man trying to get his wife to do something she wasn’t comfortable with and was against her values and sensibilities, people would be gathering pitchforks and torches and forming a mob in the street to storm the castle.
> 
> You need to think of how you would feel if someone was pressuring you to do something against your values and was hiding cameras in your home to “catch” you in something for them to use as ammunition to further pressure you.
> 
> You may feel people are getting on you harshly, but If a guy did this to a woman, he would be torn apart in the street.


Spot on in general!!


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I also want to throw out there that if this were a man trying to get his wife to do something she wasn’t comfortable with and was against her values and sensibilities, people would be gathering pitchforks and torches and forming a mob in the street to storm the castle.
> 
> You need to think of how you would feel if someone was pressuring you to do something against your values and was hiding cameras in your home to “catch” you in something for them to use as ammunition to further pressure you.
> 
> You may feel people are getting on you harshly, but If a guy did this to a woman, he would be torn apart in the street.


I am not saying I dont agree. I never intended to keep the cam up. I literally had it up and caught him the one time and took it down. Not that that makes it any better. Maybe I am obsessing bc I have this urge to be open with him and feel he is not open with me about it. And while part of me was thinking he should be reading some of the responses, maybe I should just let it go. It wasnt all about the self pleasure as much as it was just wanting that openness with each other.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> To add to this he HAS caught me and was very angry. Why get angry about something he does too


This doesn't make sense on his part. Don't let his response take away from your perceptions of self, you're doing great. Don't let him shake that at all.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First of all....take the camera out. That's a ****ty thing to do. Destroy all recordings from it.

Then stop pressuring him for it. But I would tell him that you will take care of yourself and you know he does too. Don't bother with how you know....just tell him you aren't stupid and you know he does it, but if he wishes it to be private that's ok, it just means that what you do when alone is none of his business.

Because it's really not. You're not breaking your marital contract, you're not sleeping with others or doing anything inappropriate.

Then do not discuss it when he's upset. If he continues to lie tell him you don't believe him and the discussion is over.

This is my humble opinion.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Did you install this camera to catch him jacking off? You’ve been married for over a decade and are videoing your husband without his permission? Is this in the bedroom? In some states you are committing an actual crime. I think you need more help than getting your husband to masturbate for you. I would also submit that people that have to “spy” on their spouses are not “happily married” as your user name suggests.


Pshaw in this case. No malicious intent here.
Don't even attempt to go down that road.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> First of all....take the camera out. That's a ****ty thing to do. Destroy all recordings from it.
> 
> Then stop pressuring him for it. But I would tell him that you will take care of yourself and you know he does too. Don't bother with how you know....just tell him you aren't stupid and you know he does it, but if he wishes it to be private that's ok, it just means that what you do when alone is none of his business.
> 
> ...


Spot on! And I never recorded anything. Saw on live feed once and already removed it. I could not agree more with this response!


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

for many couples and individuals self-pleasure comes down to "don't ask don't tell" policy. frankly your thoughts on watching each other or mutual masturbation is an awesome idea


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> for many couples and individuals self-pleasure comes down to "don't ask don't tell" policy. frankly your thoughts on watching each other or mutual masturbation is an awesome idea


My reasoning was for a deeper connection. More intimate connection. I admit the camera was malicious and I should not have done that but did not mean it with ill intentions. Personally if he wanted to keep that private Im ok with that too


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Pshaw in this case. No malicious intent here.
> Don't even attempt to go down that road.


Eh, not so sure. Some states require two party consent. Intent is not always relevant. However, I get what you are saying. It was just wrong on so many levels and that was my overall point.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Eh, not so sure. Some states require two party consent. Intent is not always relevant. However, I get what you are saying. It was just wrong on so many levels and that was my overall point.


I understand it was wrong but as stated it was not recorded and being malicious was not my intent. Would I like if he did that to me, no but if he explained why then I might would be more open to explaining why I felt it was more private. Either way the camera is gone


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For many, that’s a private activity with no exceptions. You each know how the other feels. Let it go.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> My reasoning was for a deeper connection. More intimate connection. I admit the camera was malicious and I should not have done that but did not mean it with ill intentions. Personally if he wanted to keep that private Im ok with that too


while i am so onboard with you at that deeper connection, i can tell you that not everyone feels comfortable to pursue that course of action. My wife for example is not interested in doing that, she is very self conscious of her body or her past inhibition, and therefore have denied that same request on my part. she woudl rather do it private and i do the same. previous lovers were more open to it but she is not and i do not want to shame her. so i let it go...if everything else is good in your relationship, i would let this go and not mention it...perhaps over time he will come around or perhaps not, either way the impact to your life is minimal at best. good luck


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> while i am so onboard with you at that deeper connection, i can tell you that not everyone feels comfortable to pursue that course of action. My wife for example is not interested in doing that, she is very self conscious of her body or her past inhibition, and therefore have denied that same request on my part. she woudl rather do it private and i do the same. previous lovers were more open to it but she is not and i do not want to shame her. so i let it go...if everything else is good in your relationship, i would let this go and not mention it...perhaps over time he will come around or perhaps not, either way the impact to your life is minimal at best. good luck


Good advice! Thanks!


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> My reasoning was for a deeper connection. More intimate connection. I admit the camera was malicious and I should not have done that but did not mean it with ill intentions. Personally if he wanted to keep that private Im ok with that too


When I first started reading this post of yours, I was going to respond that you needed to understand two things. The first is that If you use words like "catch" your H masturbating then you are acting like his mother and not his lover. You clearly want to "view and be part of all of his sexual pleasure." If you act like his mother don't be surprised if he views you and treats you like a mother and not a lover.

The second thing I was going to tell you was that you can't change your H's attitudes, only he can do that and only if he wants to. In short you have told him, now back off and don't nag about it. Every now and then (but not often) you can explain to him why you would love to see and be part of (by watching, listening, holding, etc.) his arousal and sexual climax. But you need to let him know he gets to choose what he is willing to share with you.

That was before I read about the camera. You have received enough enlightenment on why that was not a good idea and that you should take it down and destroy the evidence.

Since your obsession seems to be pretty intense, is there anyway you can get the illusion of what you want without violating your husbands privacy or personal boundaries? For example, is there some form of role playing you can do with your husband on his business trips or in the privacy of your own bedroom that would not involve his actual masturbation, but provide you with the illusion? What if you had a blindfold on and he described to you (in as much detail as he feels comfortable with) how he envisions a man would masturbate. How about you just fantasizing about him masturbating for you while the two of you have foreplay. What is between a person's ears (the mind) is their biggest sex organ.

One of the things that you may need to think about is what messages have you sent him either verbally or non-verbally when the two of you have discussed sex and your sexual fantasies and/or desires. He may be embarrassed about his own perceived moral weakness, or his fear of offending you (since he views you as a Nice Girl). You might want to do some introspection on why you feel the way you do and then back off for a while, so he doesn't feel pressured.

Perhaps you can become over time more receptive and less judgemental toward his sexuality so he can open up to you in a way that you will better understand and accept him.

It is really his problem that he will need to resolve and then only if he wants to. If a man can't tell his wife his most secret sexual desires, who can he tell them to? The answer is usually and unfortunately is to a prostitute who will not judge him. If you push he will be even less likely to talk to you about sex.

One of the topics I raised with my wife in regard to mutual masturbation was that as we age, there will be times in our lives when PIV intercourse sex will become impossible either due to temporary injury or medical reasons. When that happens, I want to have some form of intimacy and emotional connection between us, that we can temporarily fall back on. I wouldn't bring that up now, but there will probably be a situation, where a friend gets sick or has an accident where it might be appropriate to bring that topic up with your H.

Finally, perhaps if you still can't move on, going to a sex therapist with your H could help you better understand your obsession and his reluctance.

Good luck.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel


I am pretty sure its illegal to film someone in that way without their knowledge, and if its not its surely wrong anyway.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> When I first started reading this post of yours, I was going to respond that you needed to understand two things. The first is that If you use words like "catch" your H masturbating then you are acting like his mother and not his lover. You clearly want to "view and be part of all of his sexual pleasure." If you act like his mother don't be surprised if he views you and treats you like a mother and not a lover.
> 
> The second thing I was going to tell you was that you can't change your H's attitudes, only he can do that and only if he wants to. In short you have told him, now back off and don't nag about it. Every now and then (but not often) you can explain to him why you would love to see and be part of (by watching, listening, holding, etc.) his arousal and sexual climax. But you need to let him know he gets to choose what he is willing to share with you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response. Great advice! I have decided he is obviously not comfortable with it. I will continue to do me and let him do him, in privacy. Either way we have an amazing marriage and sex life and will not let something as silly as masturbation get in the way. 8th


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am pretty sure its illegal to film someone in that way without their knowledge, and if its not its surely wrong anyway.


I did not record it. Yes the camera was wrong, we have already discovered that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> I am not saying I dont agree. I never intended to keep the cam up. I literally had it up and caught him the one time and took it down. Not that that makes it any better. Maybe I am obsessing bc I have this urge to be open with him and feel he is not open with me about it. And while part of me was thinking he should be reading some of the responses, maybe I should just let it go. It wasnt all about the self pleasure as much as it was just wanting that openness with each other.


But he *IS *being open with you, you just don’t like his answer.

He has been open that he doesn’t want to do it. That is being open.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> But he *IS *being open with you, you just don’t like his answer.
> 
> He has been open that he doesn’t want to do it. That is being open.


Technically no he lied about it. He said he did not do it and did not want me to do it. Which is what prompted me to confirm. Please read thread before responding.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> Technically no he lied about it. He said he did not do it and did not want me to do it. Which is what prompted me to confirm. Please read thread before responding.


No, I understood that but it doesn’t change what I said. 

You asked him if he would do it with you and/or do it for you and he said he did not want to. 

Your efforts to catch him in a lie about never masturbating on his own time was underhanded and for manipulation on your part. 

He did not want to participate in that activity with you and he told you that.

What he does with his Johnson on his time is his business.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Also in regard to your own masturbating, which there is nothing wrong with, he doesn't want any part in that either and he wouldn't even know about it if you hadn't either told him or tried to do it in front of him, which you already know he doesn't want. If you have been trying to get him to do that with you all these years and you haven't respected his wishes, that could very well explain his bad attitude about masturbating. It would be more about your obsession and breach of boundaries than the actual deed.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Have you not got him to sit astride you, while you give him a handjob, he ejaculates onto your breasts?

Or as he sits astride you and places his penis between your breasts, ejaculates onto your breasts or higher (facial)?

Or you sit astride him, give him a massage, and handjob, do the same, he ejaculates onto your abdomen?

Forgive the directness and it's a bit to detailed but through these acts he may be made more and more comfortable with non PIV manipulations to completion while your watching and involved, and gradually would ease through any objections to you seeing him touch himself, because at some point during these options he'll get really involved and happy to be in those circumstances. 

Then it's a shorter leap to him being comfortable masturbating onto you, then with you mutually, and it may lead towards what you're wanting.

Sorry again for the direct approach.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you not got him to sit astride you, while you give him a handjob, he ejaculates onto your breasts?
> 
> Or as he sits astride you and places his penis between your breasts, ejaculates onto your breasts or higher (facial)?
> 
> ...


We have done that, yes... and tbh when we have intercourse I always am pleasing myself so me pleasing myself infront of him has already been done. He got upset when I told him I did it alone which baffled me bc he does it alone. That is my point. Maybe my words are not coming across clear.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well just stop telling him. Masturbation is private to him so why shouldn't it be kept to yourself when you do it. He certainly can't tell you not to do it in private to yourself. But it's not anything you need to talk about I don't think anymore than you already have because it's something you can just do without him knowing.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

So my take on the whole thing.

First I'm not going to bother with the whole camera thing. You did a bad thing with the best of intentions, and you have fully realized your error. So kudos to you for that.

As to either of you masterbation, if you enjoy it, then do so, especially when he is not there. If he gets upset at you for it, point out that it is something that you enjoy, and will continue to do. You won't put it in his face,but you won't stop either. If a partner would leave you over this, then there would most likely be other issues in the future. If you keep pressuring, that would be another matter.

With that said, you might consider a conversation outside of sexy fun time. Tell him you want to understand what the issue is, and not just "it's nasty". Why is this nasty and not the other kinky stuff? Hopefully you can get a good reason. You don't have to agree with it for it to be a good reason. And then simply end it with telling him that you will respect his position on him doing it, but he has to respect yours on you doing it as well.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Some bad advice...

In my opinion "shame" has a lot of potential in the bedroom, but you have to know how to cook with it and just like most things, not everyone has a taste for it. 

The idea is that you need to find a way to get your husband to reveal as to "why" he feels certain things are shameful. Then you need to find a way to _play_ with that knowledge in a way that allows him to confront his own personal development. The ultimate goal is to be able to truly know your husband and make him feel loved. 

Perhaps you need to let him catch you, then lie about what happened and deny everything. Do so in a way that sparks his curiosities and leaves him a bit confused. Refuse to talk about it. The way he asks you about it will be him revealing himself to you indirectly. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> We have done that, yes... and tbh when we have intercourse I always am pleasing myself so me pleasing myself infront of him has already been done. He got upset when I told him I did it alone which baffled me bc he does it alone. That is my point. Maybe my words are not coming across clear.


That is a bit strange.

I wonder if a little of the madonna/wh0*e complex is rearing it's head.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> So my take on the whole thing.
> 
> First I'm not going to bother with the whole camera thing. You did a bad thing with the best of intentions, and you have fully realized your error. So kudos to you for that.
> 
> ...


Great advice!! Thank you


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Some bad advice...
> 
> In my opinion "shame" has a lot of potential in the bedroom, but you have to know how to cook with it and just like most things, not everyone has a taste for it.
> 
> ...


Ohhh this is interesting.... thanks!


----------



## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

every guy on the planet does it. monkeys do it. he is being a hypocrite and you need to call him on it. the jacking off is no big deal however him telling you not to is. how can you trust anything he says not. you need to confront him and talk about the trust issue. where else is he being a hypocrite, money, work? this guy is not being fair. thats a big issue for me. the self pleasure is nothing. bust him.


----------



## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

For me, the alarming thing is that this woman is using a spy cam on her husband.

That speaks volumes about the relationship.

fwiw, I'm not into masturbation. The anti-religious people jump on the "old, dated Christianity" beat-up stick (they like to find ways to use this) when it comes to this topic. Kind of sad and unintellectual, really. 

In my case, masturbation is hardly as enjoyable as sex. So I have sex.

Oh yes, in the back of my mind, I just think of masturbation as a juvenile thing to do. If you do a lot of it, it's divisive of relationships and at a young age, can make it tough to speak to real girls!

But it's just not all that pleasurable compared to sex.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happilymarriedfor15years said:


> We have done that, yes... and tbh when we have intercourse I always am pleasing myself so me pleasing myself infront of him has already been done. *He got upset when I told him I did it alone* which baffled me bc he does it alone. That is my point. Maybe my words are not coming across clear.


You H may have heard what he was afraid he would hear and not what you were trying to say. Then again, you many need to try to explain yourself differently at some time in the future after you have backed off for quite a while.

Your H may be different. And this may tb TMI. One of the things I like about sex with my wife is the emotional connection. I love holding her, feeling her body as she becomes more aroused. Listening to her breathing and moaning as she becomes more arroused and then watching her "O face" as she orgasms, hearing her moan, feeling her thrust her pelvis as she orgasms and feeling the contractions and tension in her body. Then afterwards holding her sharing our thoughts, bonding emotionally, talking freely about things we want to do and how much we love each other and how great we make each other feel.

If I knew she was doing that by herself, I would ask her to share those wonderful orgasms with me as I love sharing all of her orgasmic experiences. On the other hand, I understand that she might feel I get in the way of her really letting loose during an orgasm. If that is the case. I would be fine with her masturbating alone.

The point is have your really talked in depth with your H about why he objects to you masturbating. Have you asked him how when you feel that way you can invite him to play with you and what kind of role he would like to have in the play?

The advice you got earlier about "conditioning" your H to come close to masturbating with you was a fine idea. Let me expand a little bit. Two very powerful techniques you can use in changing yourself are affirmations or self hypnosis and the second is sexual aftercare. While you can't change your H, you can subconsciously mentor him and allow him to adopt new ways of acting, thinking and behaving. But ultimately if will be his decision to adopt and fully participate or not.

Let me be a bit blunt and specific. Let's take the example of your giving your H a titty-f#ck or a "breast job." You oil your chest and his penis up and you stroke and slide him between your breasts. At some point you have him (or you move your upper body) so he is thrusting between your breasts with his penis pointed toward your throat. After the two of you have done this a number of times, you can either hold your own breasts together and have him do all the stroking or thrusting until he climaxes. That is pretty close to masturbating in front of you to climax. May be at some point you can have him pull out between your breasts and finish stroking himself until he "gives you a pearl necklace" as it use to be called (Yes, listen to the ZZ Top song and you will better understand). Having your period or a UTI, could be a good excuse for you to ask for something different.

To help him feel good about what he is doing after each time you provide him with after care. As he is getting aroused say things that make him feel good about what he is doing. Tell him how beautiful his aroused penis is, how happy it makes you. how it feels sexy and makes you feel sexually desired to know that looking at you and your breasts can bring him to climax. After he climaxes, snuggle, hug him and tell him how wonderful he made you feel, how sexy you found what he did, how special and connected you feel and it made you feel when you shared his orgasm. Post intercourse, while he is overcome with the trust and cuddling hormone Oxytocine, tell him how much you love him need him and how wonder you felt when he did what he did. Tell him that it is your special secret.

Once he starts to look forward to the aftercare, the process will become easier for him. Also you can help him with affirmations. You can gently and gradually ask him to talk to you while he is giving you a pearl necklace or other similar act. You can start by asking him to let you know when he is close to climaxing. Maybe saying you want to hold your bressts against him or something else that appeals to you. Then you can expand his sharing with you so you can better understand and enjoy the various sights, sounds, and feelings of his arousal. Perhaps a, "Ddarling, I love watching your penis grow so big and firm as you touch my body with it, can you tell me how it feels to you?" Or "I have noticed that when you are about to climax you testicle draw up in your scrotom, can you tell me what that feels like as it happens, as it seems to happen just before you orgasm?" "Darling, I just want to understand and really be part of our love making." 

Soon during aftercare you can ask him to verbalize the stages of his arousal and tell him how special and exciting your hearing him saying that to you is. Tell him you like hearing him say that as it helps you relive such a wonderful experience. The goal of the affirmation is to give him a mental self hypnosis mantra to help him get arroused by your body during his climax. Who knows you may become the sole focus of his fantasies when he masturbates by himself. He may like reliving it. For this to work you need to be sincerely, enthusiastic and honest. It can't be about you making him masturbate for you, it needs to be about his allowing you the pleasure of sharing his orgasms.

Probably way too detailed and maybe not what you want or what will work with your H, but good luck. Affirmations and Aftercare can be incredibly powerful tools for emotional bonding. You might want to see if you can't incorporate them into your lovemaking in other ways.

Good luck.


----------



## happilymarriedfor15years (Jan 27, 2021)

marriedfor27years said:


> every guy on the planet does it. monkeys do it. he is being a hypocrite and you need to call him on it. the jacking off is no big deal however him telling you not to is. how can you trust anything he says not. you need to confront him and talk about the trust issue. where else is he being a hypocrite, money, work? this guy is not being fair. thats a big issue for me. the self pleasure is nothing. bust him.


Finally someone who gets my side. Not to say the camera was right but it was the only way to confirm he was being a hypocrite since he would not admit to it.


----------

