# Back Seat Driver



## liveandlearn (Mar 19, 2009)

This is a long standing problem. My husband will sometimes tailgate others when he drives. I'll try to ignore it until he gets so close I go into a panic, feel my stomach tighten and the fear begin to rise. If I ask him to leave more space (which I try to say gently), he'll get angry, saying I'm never happy and he can't please me no matter what and then start saying I drive that way too (I really don't) and HE never says anything, etc. Then in anger he'll often begin driving even more erratically, like gunning it from every stop, braking hard, cutting people off and swerving, etc. Everything BUT tailgaiting, and all whether the kids are present or not. If I ask why he's driving that way (which I rarely do then because it can lead to him screaming at me) he'll deny he's doing anything different than usual, but I know it's to punish me for ever saying anything.

As a result, I usually drive but sometimes can't, like if I had a couple drinks at a party (though in anger he's offered me the wheel knowing I'm inebriated and the kids are in the car) or like driving to vacation 10 hours and my legs hurt after 5 hours so I asked him to drive awhile. This ended up in a fight where he drove erratically the next 2 hours while I sat silent and crying, keeping my eyes closed to avoid being terrified.

I've also tried not saying anything in the car, but sometimes he'll do something that frightens me and I'll instinctively reach for a handle or push the invisible brake without thinking, and he'll see this and get angry anyway.

Sometimes he'll apologize hours afterward or the next day, admitting he has a problem with me getting upset at his driving, but he'll do it again next time anyway. And this is a pattern in our 15-year marriage. I confront him on something I'm upset about, he blames me, makes excuses, then inevitably gets mean and says mean things. Then sometimes for a day or two he'll increase doing little things he knows I don't like, I assume to punish me. I don't know what do to anymore. After talking it over so many years, I'm just tired.

Thoughts?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

This is a symptom of something deeper?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I can relate to this as I have had driving anger in the past....it took a SEVERE incident to give me a reality check (thankfully I didn't get hurt, but could've been dead that day). 

Sit him down, smile, grab his hands and tell him you have something important to talk to him about. Tell him that you love him and it is extremely important that you and him both exist on this planet as long as possible. Tell him that you feel that he puts himself and YOU (kids too if you have any) into great danger while behind the wheel. You have tried talking to him about this but you get more and more anger and things are not changing. Ask him to please reconsider his driving trends as you feel that your loved husband AND Yourself are in great danger.

if he is considerate, he will AT LEAST acknowledge.

PS. Don't expect change over night. Give him time and remind him about it.

After that, not sure if I would do it at the same time (or even before that) but you have a big issue with him treating you the way he does when you bring up issues in your marriage/relationship. Tell him how important communication is in marriage (it's really the key) and express that when he reacts in anger he creates an environment in which you don't want to speak up or approach him.

Tell him this HAS to change cause without open/healthy/mature like conversation/environment, your marriage will end in time.

Talk to him about fighting rules and SET THEM if you have to. Both of you agree on it and try to follow. If he breaks them (or if you do).....come back to the table when both parties are calm and back to planet earth.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband has anger issues, it's like he likes seeing you upset. I think you have two choices, not drive with him anymore or just accept that this is the way he is going to drive and not react to it as that seems to make him more upset. 

My husband tailgates and honks his horn often. He doesn't do it in a scary way, he is just impatient. I have learned not to say a word about it, not that it would upset him if I did but I know he isn't going to change so why bother.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Gotta say, if someone is driving like that behind me, I just slow down...way down. Then, I laugh at how p*ssed they get in rear view. I am always driving at least 5-10 over the speed limit. There is no reason for people to tailgate me, but they do. So, I take my time and p*ss them off. 

Your H seems like he has some road rage issues, but above that he doesn't care about your feelings on the matter. 

It also seems immature that he would do that with the children in the car. I can't understand why anyone would put their kids at risk because they are annoyed at another person. 

A lot of other problems in the marriage may be coming out in him when he is driving. You mentioned he said, "You're never happy. I can't please you."

That sounds like more than just you wanting him to stop tailgating. It could be that he's tried to make you happy in other areas and maybe you've said some things before to mean that you weren't happy with those things he did. When he is driving - he can control the situation with the vehicle. He can show you he's mad without saying anything. 

Do you guys normally have other issues brought up outside the driving issues? Do you have a good sex life? 

Some people just get annoyed when they drive. I admit there are days when I could get out of my vehicle and slap someone at a red light - but I don't. I don't yell at other drivers. I don't drive like a crazy person-----Unless my kids aren't in the truck. If they aren't in the truck, it's game on. But with others in the vehicle, it's just down right rude and disrespectful. Accidents are unpredictable. You never know when something might happen.

I would say talk to him about it, but it seems it just annoys him. Try bringing it up when he isn't driving. Also, ask if there are other areas of the marriage where he is unhappy. Saying something like "I can never please you" is pretty significant.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds like immaturity has gotten a license.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I think if you address his driving you will be addressing a symptom instead of the core issue. I bet I would be correct in assuming he is also aggressive, impatient, and angry in other aspects in your lives? 

He needs an attitude adjustment and to grow up. I've known lots of guys just like this and these issues are almost always spawned of selfishness and entitlement. I'll bet I would also be correct in saying you feel he does not respect you in other areas? Are you conflict avoidant?

Guys like this need other people to stand up to them. My brother in law was EXACTLY like your description of your husband. He isn't any more though because a little guy stood up to him and cleaned his clock in court besides criminal penalties. Now my brother in law is a fit member of society. 

So, how will you stand up to the bully in your life?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

liveandlearn said:


> This is a long standing problem. My husband will sometimes tailgate others when he drives. I'll try to ignore it until he gets so close I go into a panic, feel my stomach tighten and the fear begin to rise. If I ask him to leave more space (which I try to say gently), he'll get angry, saying I'm never happy and he can't please me no matter what and then start saying I drive that way too (I really don't) and HE never says anything, etc. Then in anger he'll often begin driving even more erratically, like gunning it from every stop, braking hard, cutting people off and swerving, etc. Everything BUT tailgaiting, and all whether the kids are present or not. If I ask why he's driving that way (which I rarely do then because it can lead to him screaming at me) he'll deny he's doing anything different than usual, but I know it's to punish me for ever saying anything.
> 
> As a result, I usually drive but sometimes can't, like if I had a couple drinks at a party (though in anger he's offered me the wheel knowing I'm inebriated and the kids are in the car) or like driving to vacation 10 hours and my legs hurt after 5 hours so I asked him to drive awhile. This ended up in a fight where he drove erratically the next 2 hours while I sat silent and crying, keeping my eyes closed to avoid being terrified.
> 
> ...


I had one incident where my husband drove recklessly while I was 6 months pregnant and that was enough for me. I would not tolerate it. I refused to get in the car with him unless he got his driving under control. I would not put our family at risk because he was being stupid. I would even drive separately if need be. He learned quickly just how dumb he was being and he hasn't done it since.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Definitely sounds like anger and immaturity. Do the two of you fight or argue often? Maybe some anger management skills, like do not just bicker and pick at each other and escalate; try to have those types of discussions during a scheduled time, family meeting, etc. Be calm, respectful, and not accusing. Just say, when you ___ I feel ___. Would you be willing to compromise and do ___? 

When we were first married my husband's driving scared me. He is a bit more aggressive, or rather, "fearless" driver than me. To me, he gets way too close to a car up ahead who is putting on their brakes. He is very confident about getting in the express lane on a crowded and (to me) scary interstate and drive faster to get past traffic and out of town on vacation. We used to have disagreements about it but I have to say he has become more sensitive and is willing to drive a bit more conservatively when I am in the car to avoid making me anxious. He also seems nervous with my driving, whereas I feel like I'm a very calm and careful and cognizant driver and have had people say they feel safe with me. I think most people feel they're an excellent driver and others are not. It comes down to driving record: my H has several minor accidents, while I have an excellent record. He enjoys driving fast!

He might be passive-aggressive, taking out his anger behind the wheel when you are a passenger. I hope you will try to have a calm discussion with him because the main concern is your safety. The most obvious solution is for you to do all the driving, but that is not realistic. 

It does indeed sound like there is a deeper issue going on here.


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

I'm sorry but if his actions are endangering your life or your children I would not get into the car with him. PERIOD. 

Will it take a serious accident or someone in the family being seriously hurt or passing away for him to stop this aggression ??


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I think if you address his driving you will be addressing a symptom instead of the core issue. I bet I would be correct in assuming he is also aggressive, impatient, and angry in other aspects in your lives?
> 
> He needs an attitude adjustment and to grow up. I've known lots of guys just like this and these issues are almost always spawned of selfishness and entitlement. I'll bet I would also be correct in saying you feel he does not respect you in other areas? Are you conflict avoidant?
> 
> ...


I agree. I see this more of a conflict resolution and control issue. The driving is just what sets most of it off. I would suggest counseling.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree this goes deeper than the driving, but the driving is where he can exert some "power" because he's in control.

I wouldn't drive with him again either. No way. And there's no way in hell he'd be taking our kids anywhere in the car either.

He needs to grow up already.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex used to do that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would let my wife drive all the time. She would start to whine and complain before we even got in the car then it was a constant stream of gasps, complaints, grumbles, nagging and my favorite - - bizarre instructions on directions even though she would freely admit she had no earthly clue where we were going or how to get there. 

I would just ride shotgun and let her deal with it. She gets into a minor accident 1 or 2 times every year because she's not a particularly good driver and everyone who's ever been in a car with her agrees. Of course nothing is ever her fault. But I didn't care. Just bring a book with me and wait for the inevitable crunch.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

A letter perhaps...

_“Dear Husband,

Honey, I love you but I cannot take this anymore. I don’t want to spend another fifteen years, never mind one year where I feel helpless, afraid or unsafe when I am riding with you in the car... moreover, having my feelings met with anger, belittled, or dismissed by you. 

I am tired of fighting, tired of crying and tired of feeling unheard or being afraid to speak up to you because of your anger when we talk about your driving or how I am concerned about my safety or that of the kids. When you do ____ after I talk about ___ with you, I feel like I am being punished or intimidated out of talking to you and it makes me feel ____.

This issue has been hurting our marriage for a long time and because I love you and want to stay married, this has to stop. If you don’t agree to change then one of us needs to. If this doesn’t end today, I am afraid that I cannot again trust you to drive me or our kids in the car. 


This means that if we are going somewhere as a family, I will need to drive. If you insist on driving, that’s fine but I will drive myself and the kids in a separate car. This also means that there will be less money for other things as I will need money for gas, car insurance, stickers and maintenance for another vehicle. 

If we go to a party where alcohol is involved, this means that I will get a ride home from someone who is sober at the party or will use money from our joint account to purchase cab fare. 

If I require surgery in the future and require a driver to get home, I will hire a personal support worker and use the family funds/insurance to do it.

Finally, on any road-trips/vacations in the future, I can drive there and back but we will need to allocate funds for a motel room so that I can take rests from driving. Further, I may need you to watch the children while I sleep. Alternatively, I will purchase airfare or train tickets for myself and the children instead of driving and we can meet you at our destination.

I realize that all of these things will result in more expenses for our family but this is the price I am willing to pay for some peace in our marriage and my and the children’s safety. These are my new boundaries and they are not up for negotiation. 

I understand that you may be upset by them but surely no more than all of these years that I have been afraid. 

Love,

*Your name here”_

Then you follow through with it and actually stick with it. I look at this situation as one would with an addict or alcoholic. You require that they change or get help. If they don't get help well you stop enabling and participating in the bad behaviours and drama that come with their addiction. 

Your husband will likely be mad at you and protest and whine or blame you or try to incite fights. But hold your ground. Become a "robot" by repeating the same thing to him until it sinks in. "These are my boundaries, they're not up for discussion and you know why." and if he still pushes for discussion/arguing, walk away. Like a toddler throwing the temper tantrum, if his protestations aren't getting your attention then they should stop.

He'll then be faced with some choices:

1) Do nothing to change his attitude or driving (or other passive aggressive/aggressive-aggressive behaviours) - to which you may soon find yourself completely fed up and leave him.

2) Change his attitude and his driving and take you seriously for once which results in a better marriage.

3) Get fed up about not being able to bully around and leave you over it (which, good riddance to him and he's an @ss-hat if he does). 

Either way, something is going to give. It has to.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Ill say it...your husband is being abusive. Reckless driving is one thing...doing it with kids in the car is almost unforgivable...but continuing to do it ON PURPOSE with KIDS AND making you CRY by YELLING at you because you are speaking out is abuse. The time for nice letters and heartfelt conversations about your feelings is over...and he obviously doesnt care about them. For your and your kids safety you need to make a stand. If he drives u out somewhere and does it tell him you are not getting into the car with him on the way home and call a cab. Tell him youre driving from now on...and in cases of long drives ull have to just push through the discomfort of driving that long. Achey legs are better than a high speed car crash. It may only take one crash to put things into perspective for him...but are you willing to let your kids pay that price if theyre injured in that crash?

U havent given details but i hope this abuse doesnt extend into your home...?


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## liveandlearn (Mar 19, 2009)

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. It gives me a lot to think about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC SPECIFICALLY told me to stop riding with my husband for this exact same reason. So you're getting the advice that a qualified professional therapist would tell you - "I'm no longer riding with you; figure out how to control your emotions and I'll consider it; until then, we're taking two cars or a cab."


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife drives like this - as others have said, immaturity is an issue here. Every other driver on the road is a d-bag, but she's a perfect driver. I shouldn't say this, but part of me hopes that she gets into a fender bender where she's at fault so she realizes how dumb it is to drive like this. 

She does admit that she doesn't like not being in control, and I tell her to get over it.


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