# Frustrating marriage.



## abcdefg (May 13, 2011)

Hi-

new here. Have been married 10 years. 3 kiddos, all under 8. Living in a sexless, basically loveless, stressed out relationship. My wife and I separated briefly a year ago, sought counseling (where I dealt with my own long term mild depression issues thankfully!!), reconciled, 99% for the kids. Had a few months of comfort, but now we've slowly drifted back to our old ways.

Wife works full time, I'm a musician/college professor who just finished my doctorate (yep, we are crazy busy). Used to travel alot for music (was always faithful, so no trust issues or any of that, no addictions or that stuff either. I'm a pretty boring musician), and we dealt with alot of my wife's resentment towards me for that in our last counseling go round. Still travel a tiny bit to play. 

We both love and support our kids fully, and we do our best to support each other in our hectic careers. But, we can't communicate about many important issues (especially money and sex) without a ton of tension, and an eventual fight. We both share fully in the responsibilities of daycare, chores, etc., but there are communication breakdowns and resentment there as well at times. 

Also a TON of resentment towards my musician's schedule, which involves gigs and rehearsals in the evenings and on lots of weekends. She basically hates it when I work. Not an option for me not to, though...I'm very good at what I do, and it's what I love to do, and I've made many concessions to alter my career so I can be home for the kids rather than out on the road. And she has refused to leave our current area for any job opportunities I might get out of state (it's tough to find a tenure track college position where we currently live).

We are constantly spending more $$ than we make, and I can't seem to get my wife to see this and adjust her spending. Her reaction was to get her own credit card and continue to overspend. We're not going into debt, just burning thru savings at an alarming rate. All for Starbucks and eating out (she never cooks if I'm not around).

We are very different people- very few common interests other than our kids. I need alone time, she hates that I need alone time and sees it as just more time I'm trying to not spend with her and the kids. I have a hard time setting boundaries in regards to this as well; rather than deal with the cold shoulder, I just give in, forgo my time, and resent her for not letting me do what I need to do. I then wind up scrambling to get things done in the little time left (usually when the kids are asleep), which leads to more frustration on my part...

It's tough being married to a musician, I know, and I don't fault her for her feelings. We need alot of time. That's kind of part of the gig, though!!!

On the sex thing, we've had sex I think once in the past 2 years. Ugh. How do you work back from that? 

I'm just trying to figure out if we should just give up...we are still civil, we are both young (mid-30's), and I know that we could have a pretty decent separation if it came to that. We talked about 50/50 co-parenting, living close to each other, etc. when we last separated.

Sorry to be so long, lots of stuff rattling around in my head about this. Any advice would be great!!!


frustrated in the Rocky Mountains


----------



## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

abcdefg said:


> Hi-
> 
> new here. Have been married 10 years. 3 kiddos, all under 8. Living in a sexless, basically loveless, stressed out relationship. My wife and I separated briefly a year ago, sought counseling (where I dealt with my own long term mild depression issues thankfully!!), reconciled, 99% for the kids. Had a few months of comfort, but now we've slowly drifted back to our old ways.
> 
> ...


Hi,

I wish there was an easy answer. I have an answer but it is not easy. It's going to take work, time and energy to fix your situation. When I was in your situation, the key for me was to a) sign up for the Marriage Fitness program, b) learn to meditate. I highly recommend both. 

You mentioned that you both have different interests, well one of the keys for me was to engage in my spouse's interests even if I didn't find them interesting. This takes discipline but can be very effective. In fact it was so effective that I found myself getting interested in her interests as well. LOL. If you want some practical advice I would think about her interests and write down ways in which you can engage in them. eg. If she likes planes, buy her a subscription to magazine about planes. Just an example but it is a practical way to get started. The MF program goes into much more detail about the hows & whys. 

Hope that helps. Let me know if you need more assistance


----------



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Is that me talking 

you are writing the story of my life the only different is that my wife does not work. 
we have same problem, any solution would be for both of us.


----------



## Androus (May 16, 2011)

Couples who put each other's happiness first are much more satisfied with their marriages than ones who don't. When you eliminate quality time from your marriage, you risk getting too casual about your relationship — or worse, assuming that you don't need to work on it anymore. Too much of this for too long and you could wake up one day and not even remember why you married each other. "People respond to detachment by pulling back themselves," says Kirshenbaum. "And things just go downhill."


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

"I need alone time, she hates that I need alone time and sees it as just more time I'm trying to not spend with her and the kids"

she's not happy because you're never around. she works and takes care of the kids when you aren't. she gets nothing back.

don't think of it as "alone" time, think of it as "away" time. you may be with people, but you are away. she's at home with the kids while you re away.

you went to counseling... did you both go to marriage counseling?

BTW - the money thing may be solved by giving her the bills and telling her to balance the budget.


----------

