# Sexual "Favors" Without Reciprocation



## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I know this might seem dumb, but I'm curious. 

I would give BJs to completion, and there's never been an expectation for something in return. 

I would also enjoy watching XSO masturbate for me (to completion) because I enjoyed watching. 

My question I guess is, if you give BJs & watch partner MB, at what point should said partner reciprocate? Once in a while?

As in, give oral to completion with no expectation of reciprocation, or ask to watch MB and they themselves not get off (the non-MB-ing partner) to be clear ....

I know most will say, just MB together, but I would tend to lose focus on enjoying the show he is giving me, and would rather just watch. 

If you just always take, does it mean you're selfish to turn your partner on by giving a show they asked for, then leaving them turned on because they are "over it"?

Or do you just don't care to watch or give oral or other stimulation to make your woman O?

Hope this is relevant and/or helpful and also makes sense.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Giving is fine. If you want to do something nice, do it.

Getting your own needs met is your responsibility. If you want something, ask for it! Don't assume he/she will know that you want reciprocation.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I have in the past been quiet about getting attention after I give a bj. It lead to a bit of resentment and misunderstandings. We have since hashed out a lot of things that I wish we didn't have to. If I had just spoke up, we would have a few less problems. 

Now, when I give a bj, it's expected I get a return favor. I just simply said, I give to you, and now I'm all turned on....you are snoring....lol

Unless I say no, I'm to tired or he is to tired, it's a rain check til the next night. We say out loud, I got you tomorrow. 

If I get oral, I return the favor. But I do give bjs when returning the favor isn't a possibility. It just makes him happier. If he's happy then I'm happy.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Sometimes we are just too lazy to do the full blown make out please one another session. So we grab as we go. A blow job here a finger session there. No big deal unless there is no completion.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

All of the responses make total sense, and are SUPER helpful - but sometimes it just baffled me. 

Like, didn't you WANT to do nice things for me as I do for you? Sorta like that. Didn't you WANT to enjoy watching me the same way, or pleasure me?

Sometimes it seems like a double standard. 
I would love to just once be with a man and get off and then be "done" .... Ok, I'm done. Sorry you didn't! 

I guess I'm just bitter ? LOL but for real!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> All of the responses make total sense, and are SUPER helpful - but sometimes it just baffled me.
> 
> Like, didn't you WANT to do nice things for me as I do for you? Sorta like that. Didn't you WANT to enjoy watching me the same way, or pleasure me?
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like you are making intimacy into a score keeping thing. In most healthy, positive relationships there is giving and receiving that each partner finds fulfilling and satisfying. Openness and good communication of wants, needs, desires for each is usually the key.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Maneo said:


> It sounds to me like you are making intimacy into a score keeping thing. In most healthy, positive relationships there is giving and receiving that each partner finds fulfilling and satisfying. Openness and good communication of wants, needs, desires for each is usually the key.


I tried to communicate my desires - I guess it fell on deaf ears.

And if our intimate desire for each other/ level of fulfillment were indeed a scorecard, he would have been one million, me 0.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

NMY, I think there's a double standard at work there. Reciprocity should be status quo, IMO. Unless there's some agreement that the other person doesn't want to receive, it's just selfish and inconsiderate for someone to be like, "Well, I got mine, off I go!"


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

That's hilarious! I've recently told my wife I am more than willing to have this type of arrangement for her, but she declined!

As she is LD, I thought this might be a good start to get her going, and show her that sex doesn't have to be all about me, and that she can enjoy herself without having to worry about reciprocating. If she wants to roll over and fall asleep after she's done, then it's all good!

I was sure she'd be into this, even if it took her a while to get used to the idea, but nope, shot it down right away! Weird!

The thing is, I have no problem doing this sort of thing, just as some of you women have no problem giving your husband/bf a BJ once in a while.

I'll never for the life of me understand why someone (of either gender) would turn down such an offer, lol!



notmarriedyet said:


> I would love to just once be with a man and get off and then be "done" .... Ok, I'm done. Sorry you didn't!
> 
> I guess I'm just bitter ? LOL but for real!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think we need to swap things around. My wife is that way too. I'll take you, he can have my wife.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I would love to just once be with a man and get off and then be "done" .... Ok, I'm done. Sorry you didn't!
> 
> I guess I'm just bitter ? LOL but for real!


Seriously.....this is not a healthy way to have a relationship. That statement is bitter and filled with control issues. Like you want to make him pay.....

Wouldn't you rather be with a man that you both fulfill each others needs and desires together?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think you're controlling. I think this is a valid concern to have. If I was always giving and never receiving, I'd feel pretty pissed off too.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

dormant said:


> I think we need to swap things around. My wife is that way too. I'll take you, he can have my wife.


Deal.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

easy_e said:


> Seriously.....this is not a healthy way to have a relationship. That statement is bitter and filled with control issues. Like you want to make him pay.....
> 
> Wouldn't you rather be with a man that you both fulfill each others needs and desires together?


I think you took it wrong. Although I do admit to bring bitter, I don't want to punish anyone else. 

Here's an example that happens so very frequently:

PIV sex. Man & wife, do the deed, man comes, gets limp, show is over. 

Lady didn't get off? 

Lots and lots of times this happens. 

What I meant is, after I achieve my O - before he does, just say, show's over! I had my O so well, this is just over. 

I know I've had a lot of sex like that. But now that I'm older, I make sure I get "mine", if you will.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Many times in my marriage (in the past anyways) if my wife wasnt in the mood Id get a bj...and many times when i wasnt in the mood id go down on her, or masturbate her (she loved this)

it took a while, but she trusts me to use her toys on her as well...
I honestly dont get the attitude around here and the terms like "corpse sex" or "duty sex"...

hell, just cut your partner off...and then you can post in the infidelity section when they cheat on you...


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I think you took it wrong. Although I do admit to bring bitter, I don't want to punish anyone else.
> 
> Here's an example that happens so very frequently:
> 
> ...


ok, I got it. I have never been in this scenario....I take care of my wife, because that's part of getting the fun going for me.

Instead of this passive aggressive way, why not just be straight up about it and say, "H....I want your effort to make me O or I'd rather take care of myself." If he is still unwilling to meet you there, it shows you where you stand with him.


You see your way would now have him pissed off or whining...and that's still not resolving the real issue, just putting the shoe on the other foot.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I wish my wife would show some initiative. Your man must be happy, but tell him how you feel and what you want.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> I think you took it wrong. Although I do admit to bring bitter, I don't want to punish anyone else.
> 
> Here's an example that happens so very frequently:
> 
> ...


Go look at some other threads on here and you'll see women complaining about men who expect their wives to orgasm. "Too much pressure!!" they say. So which is it? We should make sure you get one, or we shouldn't worry much about it if it didn't happen in the normal course of events? btw, this contradiction sums up what it means to be a man trying to understand women.

If you have an unmet expectation that he do for you on occasion without receiving, then that expectation needs to be expressed to him.

I've taken off lunch before to visit my sleeping-in girlfriend only to wake her up with head. I don't have enough time for much else. But even with my willingness to do so, girls usually give me the impression that they're uncomfortable being the sole focus. Even on these occasions where I do something with no strings attached, it pretty much guarantees I'm getting an unsollicited bj that night.

Some more things I don't understand: When I'm giving head, I want something too. How anyone wouldn't is beyond me... it always turns me on to go down! So even more perplexing is that I've heard from multiple women, including present girlfriend, after I've gotten a bj and tried to reciprocate that they don't want anything (usually in excuse form - "No, I haven't showered" is most common or "No, I have to go do xyz"). My giving without receiving is more about lack of time than anything else. I don't understand why, being able, someone wouldn't want to receive after giving anymore than I understand why someone wouldn't want to give after receiving.

If you don't establish the expectation or desire for a thing, you're not likely to get it much, if at all.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

notmarriedyet said:


> ..at what point should said partner reciprocate? Once in a while?


well.. yes. As soon as possible - and with enthusiasm.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> All of the responses make total sense, and are SUPER helpful - but sometimes it just baffled me.
> 
> Like, didn't you WANT to do nice things for me as I do for you? Sorta like that. Didn't you WANT to enjoy watching me the same way, or pleasure me?
> 
> ...


I would do that any time. 
I have offered many times. 
I don't get, or receive, the way I would love to. 
I don't expect anything in return, but I know it will happen in some way or another. But probably not sexually, or maybe sexually. 
I would "favor" W every day if she'd go for it. I think as a natural by-product we'd both have a lot more sex.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Baited question, IMO. Responses will vary by partner, some like to give and some take.
When I was younger I admit to being more "take" then give, and more recently I realize that it's really hot to drive my partner wild and have her hips bucking all over the place uncontrollably as a result of my efforts....or "feasting at the Y" (reserved-Inoticethedetails) LOL.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

It can all be cleared up by communication at both ends though, for real.

Sometimes I just want to blow my husband, so I tell him "don't worry about me," and really mean it.

Sometimes he just want to be blown and if it's cool with me, which is generally is, he can come to me and ask. No hissy baby stuff if I say no though, that doesn't work.

Sometimes he gets off before me and I'm cool with it. So I'll say "High five" and go to sleep.

Sometimes he gets off before me and I'm not cool with it. So I'll tell him "No sir, we aren't done yet" and do whatever I have to do to have him get me off as well.

And seriously? If you want to just get off with your husband and be done with it? Ask if it's cool. I bet there is a > 50% chance you'll get your wish. No hissy baby stuff if he says no though, that's a turn off.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE treating my man to a BJ & not expect anything in return. That's the beauty of it. To please him. I LOVE pleasuring & pleasing my man and just letting him enjoy the moment. 

Or a sensual rub down, hand job, foot job, boob job, etcetera. 

But when the thought NEVER ever never crosses my partners mind to reciprocate?! I'm not even saying on the same day or week of month. 

But just enjoy my body the way I enjoy caressing and pleasuring his. 

If that thought doesn't cross his mind, I don't really want to "ask" or "talk" about it. It would be nice for him to just want to sort of worship my body as I often do (did) his. 

If I have to give him a nudge, like, "hey dummy" I feel it's forced, and at that point don't want it anymore. Because it's not coming from a place of intimacy or his desire to pleasure me, but rather a compromise. 


And no, I've never given him the slightest reason to think I wouldn't be totally open to it. I've never refused oral from him, etc. as a part of mutual lovemaking or foreplay. 

I've been fresh out of excuses to NOT have intimate or sexual relations since, well - I guess since I've been having sex!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> Men are not mind readers. Perhaps he thinks more with one head than the other. Just saying...


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I basically want sex or sexual things, intimate things, you name it - all the time. Literally. I feel like a 20 year old male trapped in a 34 year old woman's body. 

I'm not exaggerating. I want it. All the time, anytime, anything, anywhere. 

I think you get the point.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Now your H's point needs to get it...


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> notmarriedyet said:
> 
> 
> > Men are not mind readers. Perhaps he think more with one head than the other. Just saying...
> ...


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> tracyishere said:
> 
> 
> > You're absolutely correct. I tell myself that a lot. And I do/did have a dense one when it comes to such matters.
> ...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My husband is of the same mind set. If he states what he wants then its less special or it's seems like its forcing me to just agree and go along with the suggestion. 

I told him I'm not a mind reader. If you don't tell me what you want, how am I supposed to know. I can't always know what goes on in your head any better than you know what goes on in mine. 

He go it, and it's taken a while for him to feel I guess comfortable with this new way, but it works. He tells me, hey it's been a while, and I do what he likes. I had to tell him what I like and what I don't. Pacifically. 

I told him, it does not take anything way from sex on my end, and sometimes I'm a dummy and get side tracked, you need to tell me when you want something. Also im kind of dense, saying things like "we could" "we might" are likely to feel as though there is an option not to do them. 

I feel like if you want something you will flat out state "I need XX" to happen". Where it's not a question. 

To me, expecting someone to just know what I want is setting myself up to fail. You have to speak up about your needs and desires. It's also kind of an unfair position to put our spouses in. If they guess wrong, then they are an assh0le for not knowing us well enough. 

What if he wanted you to make meatloaf, but never said one word to you and you made chicken instead....since you didn't know what he wanted, and he flipped out and got mad. He would have no one to blame but himself. He should have spoke up. 

Now what if Monday was always chicken. Had been for years, if he wants a different menu, then he has to say so. Expecting you to just know, is kinda mean and stupid (not saying you are). 

So you have sex this certain way all the time. You want something a little different, he does not know. You have to tell him, sometimes a lot. Speak outside the bedroom. Ask him if he enjoyed the bj, tell him you did too, a lot, and got all worked up, and was wanting a release. Ask him how he would feel about giving you return pleasure. 

Talk out how often, what kind of release and so on.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I get you NMY. I LOVE pleasing my H and don't often expect anything in return, but sometimes... So I've taken things into my own hands.
Today, I was getting all snugly with him which always turns me on anyway and I was laying with my head on his chest. He woke up enough to give my head a gentle nudge lower. I took the hint and went to town. He finished and started drifting back to sleep. While normally I would just jump up and continue with my day, today I decided I wanted mine too. So I grabbed his arm, put his hand where I wanted it and more or less finished myself with minimal help from him.
Strangely, the only time he initiates oral on me is when he's been drinking and I'm sleeping. Great way to wake up though!! He is extremely attentive at those times though and wants to go to completion before I give him his work over. 
Never once has he given and then not gotten in return. But maybe that's because I'm a 30 year old woman trapped in a teenage boy's body... I want him ALL.THE.TIME. To the point that he has complained and stated "what's the point. You'll just want sex again in a few hours." I finally asked him if he was at least open to a daily BJ in lieu of PIV. What can I say, I like pleasing my H!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Because my wife's drive is less than mine, there are occasions where she will take care of me and not want sex. I would rather have sex, of course, but she is cool with giving me a HJ to get me off her back. Not exactly the most romantic set of circumstances, but I have an extremely HD and will take what I can get w/o complaints. 

But my biggest question is how a woman can get her spouse off but not get turned on at all. If I was going down on my wife! it would be impossible to just roll over and go to sleep once she came in my face.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Because my wife's drive is less than mine, there are occasions where she will take care of me and not want sex. I would rather have sex, of course, but she is cool with giving me a HJ to get me off her back. Not exactly the most romantic set of circumstances, but I have an extremely HD and will take what I can get w/o complaints.
> 
> But my biggest question is how a woman can get her spouse off but not get turned on at all. If I was going down on my wife! it would be impossible to just roll over and go to sleep once she came in my face.


It's impossible for me to not be so super hot & turned in after handling such beautiful, let's call it - machinery? Anyway, I am EXTREMELY turned on, wrt, etc. basically beside myself. 

And he hasn't a clue. Ever. Not once. 
Yes, I've told him. 
But not once has he offered to reciprocate. 
Even though 90% of BJs or HJs or whatever-Js I give I don't expect anything in return - I do it strictly for his pleasure. Because I like it. I like for him to feel like he doesn't need to reciprocate. 

However, I've learned a lot from this thread. I get he's not a mind reader and I should mention it. Maybe the other 10% of the time I'd like to get off as well. Or I could get myself off while servicing him. But he's never seemed interested in watching me touch myself, never asks me to, doesn't inquire about my masturbation habits, etc. yet he does ask for other things. 

So, getting myself off after I do him doesn't seem like a good option. 

And it's hard to get myself off in the bathroom or whatever afterward, it's just not fun.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Are you certain he even likes giving oral?


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

GinnyTonia said:


> Are you certain he even likes giving oral?


Positive. He loves it. He would do it daily. He'd do it in the shower during "that time" but PIV always always always follows. Or reciprocation. 

I'm talking about him just not understanding that I am super turned on my blowing him/other and would also like to get off sometimes. He doesn't even have to do it himself - I'm so far into it that it would literally take less than a minute to get me there. 

I just want for him to feel the same way I do. I want for him to worship my "parts" and pleasure me as well. Or at least ask for a show. There has never - not one time where I've gotten off and he hasn't. Even fingering me under the table out at a restaurant would work for me. 

He knows I'm up for anything he wants to try. Or give or receive. Anything.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Better spell it out for him so you can get some.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

A bit more on that theme...your guy is pretty young, right? It could be that his biggest education has been from porn and he just doesn't realize how things actually work in a long term sexual relationship. You may be the first woman in his life to actually spell this out for him. If you are giving him one-way sex and loving it, there is no real reason (without being educated) that he would know he "should" reciprocate.

Not really selfish just...doesn't know better yet...hasn't had enough lovers yet...something like that.

If you spell it out for him in a mature way, he's likely to respond in a mature way. And then if he follows through he will find that he receives a huge benefit,


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sexual "Favors" Without Reciprocation*



notmarriedyet said:


> Don't get me wrong, I LOVE treating my man to a BJ & not expect anything in return. That's the beauty of it. To please him. I LOVE pleasuring & pleasing my man and just letting him enjoy the moment.
> 
> Or a sensual rub down, hand job, foot job, boob job, etcetera.
> 
> ...


THIS!

it sucks to be the only one in the relationship that thinks about sex. having to ask for your partner to think about ways to pleasure you shows they are either low desire, or not that into you. a fully engaged partner DESIRES to please their partner.

I'm not saying one shouldn't communicate- "hey sexy, I'm beat today, but I'd love to lay back and feel your mouth on me" is communication...

when that's ignored, and you have to say something like that a few times, and finally, 3 weeks later you get "I guess I've been neglecting you, huh? I better do something to you tonight to keep you happy"

that just makes you want to refuse them and fuels resentment.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Is he thoughtful in other areas of your lives?


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> THIS!
> 
> it sucks to be the only one in the relationship that thinks about sex. having to ask for your partner to think about ways to pleasure you shows they are either low desire, or not that into you. a fully engaged partner DESIRES to please their partner.


Wow this is soooooo true SoulSearch. Wife and I just had this conversation but I'm not sure she's there yet. We will see over the next few weeks but I made it clear to her that she needs to find what motivates her and hook into it. I also stated she can pretty much ask me to do almost whatever and whenever and I'm ALL IN.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> It's impossible for me to not be so super hot & turned in after handling such beautiful, let's call it - machinery? Anyway, I am EXTREMELY turned on, wrt, etc. basically beside myself.
> 
> And he hasn't a clue. Ever. Not once.
> Yes, I've told him.
> ...


I would explode if my wife began playing with herself under any circumstance, especially if it was during an act where I was under the impression she wasn't in the mood and just doing me a favor. Believe me, I would take the hint.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I know this might seem dumb, but I'm curious.
> 
> I would give BJs to completion, and there's never been an expectation for something in return.
> 
> ...


Both of those scenarios are hot hot hot, giving and getting. Depends on the mood of the moment.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

soulsearch said:


> THIS!
> 
> it sucks to be the only one in the relationship that thinks about sex. having to ask for your partner to think about ways to pleasure you shows they are either low desire, or not that into you. a fully engaged partner DESIRES to please their partner.
> 
> ...



You get me, thank you. That alone makes me feel better and feel like I'm not just spouting off crazy talk. 




GinnyTonia said:


> Is he thoughtful in other areas of your lives?


We are sorta in "limbo" right now. But yes, when things were "good" - before I found out he had an EA and had been choosing porn over me, ie I was sexually frustrated but he was content with porn. Preferred it. But we were working through all of that when I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't want something forced. It's a long story that I'm pretty sure is in the relationships & addiction area. 

But before his secrets were discovered, everything was a perfect fairy tale, rainbows, puppies, & unicorns. He was my dream come true. Besides the sex. My gut always told me something was "off" and I never have felt very sexually connected to him. 

Faithful Wife: your post is genius. I think you are definitely onto something. As usual, you're probably right!!!!


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I'm also thrilled to see there ARE men who exist who think these scenarios are hot. Mine just yawns. It makes me want to cry. I feel like a fat as* and I'm 5'5" and fluctuate between 110-120 lbs. because I'm getting older I'm assuming .....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

A couple of thoughts. 

Not every man is necessarily turned on by watching a woman masturbate! The fact that you enjoy watching your man doesn't mean the opposite is true. I have never asked my partner to masturbate for me. Just not my thing. I have asked them to "play along" but a solo show just doesn't appeal to me. It might just seem frustrating to your husband. 

And your statement "...Don't get me wrong, I LOVE treating my man to a BJ & not expect anything in return...." is clearly incorrect.. You ARE MOST CERTAINLY expecting something in return. I'm not saying that's a bad thing...

Clearly your husband is either a bit lower drive than you and you are satiating him before he has the urge to "take you by force", or he is a bit clueless/insensitive. The solution to both problems is the same. Ask for what you want! Playing "guess what I am thinking" and getting pissed off because he can't read your mind is the road to resentment and worse problems. And "if he loved me he would....." is the kind of magical thinking that really can destroy M-F relationships


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