# Feeling completely and utterly abandoned...



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

It has been 6 weeks since my Dday. To make a long story short, H had a 4 month EA/PA with coworker. After I found out, he continued to talk to her via text until I also found out about that about 3 weeks after Dday. Since then, they have apparently not talked, but obviously if he was still talking to her I wouldn't really have any way of knowing this since he wouldn't be stupid enough to go back to the ways he was communicating with her when he got busted.

I have maintained throughout this whole mess that I am willing to go to MC and try to make a go at this whole thing. We've only been married for 2 and a half years, but before the A I felt like we had the perfect relationship (or I was too naive and blind to see otherwise). We have both been in IC and my H is still saying that he "doesn't know what he wants". He says he doesn't want the OW (she is almost 10 years older than us and has a kid) but that he isn't sure if he can forgive himself for what he did to me, or that he can be happy with me again. 

If it wasn't heart breaking enough to know that the person you love doesn't know if they want to spend the rest of their life with you, every time we hit a snag or a bump he takes off. He has spent 2 and a half weeks so far staying with friends a 3 hour drive away from our home. When he is home he is living with his parents which I am OK with, but it is hard not to feel abandoned when I feel like I should be the one that has the right to run away or feel like I need to disappear. 

He keeps saying that he needs time and space away from me and his family and the people in our town (small town means small town gossip!) BUT every time he leaves me in a moment of crisis he is just further reinforcing my feeling that he isn't here when I NEED him the most. He has as much as told me that him being away is what he needs and it is his decision to make. I've tried to act like I don't care, but it is just one more layer of disappointment to add. 

I feel like he is pulling away in preparation to leave me for good. 

His family didn't even invite me for easter dinner today even though we have always been close.... I'm trying not to throw myself a "pity party".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

#1 are you sure the affair has ended? Usually waywards use "time for me" and "time for cheating"

#2 have you openly talked to the inlaws about his cheating?


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I don't know how it is possible to know if the A is over.... but if I was a betting woman I would say yes. The OW has moved as a result of her own marriage falling apart.

The in-laws know everything. They were very supportive of me at first but I think they are realizing that they need to be supportive of their son, no matter what his decision is. That may also be why I am worried about him gearing up to leave me.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry.  That is really awful. 

I know it isn't much consolation to you now, but even though this guy is not treating you right there is someone out there who would love you the way you deserve. You shouldn't wait for this guy to divorce you, start the process so you can regain your sanity and your emotional well-being. Even if he is not still having an affair, you are right- he isn't there when you need him and it isn't fair to you.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Hi Henley, I know this is a very difficult time and the knowledge about the affair is still very new and raw. It's natural to be worried and uneasy about what his every move means.

I've been exactly where you are and it was terrible. My H told me that it was over when it wasn't. He needed time alone which was actually time to continue seeing the OW. I was constantly worried that he would leave and that our marriage would end.

That was about 5 years ago and I've had time to digest all that happened and hindsight is 20/20. My regrets are that I was so concerned about saving my marriage at all costs when I should have been concerned about not accepting less than I deserved. I should have been only willing to accept my husband back on my terms, not on his.

I encourage you to find other ways to find healing. You can't depend on your spouse for healing right now. If you do work things out, you will help each other get there. Right now, however, you need to take care of yourself and focus on things that make you happy. 

The other advice I'd give is that you need to be sure he's not still seeing the other woman or communicating with her in some way. If you don't have proof that the affair is truly over, you can't even consider moving forward with your marriage. Do not under any circumstances agree to reconciliation without this proof.

You deserve better than that and it's up to you to make sure that you get what you deserve.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Just some reaction to what you posted. He doesn't respect you. Do you have children? And again, he doesn't respect you. You aren't even invited to Easter dinner? Loooosers. Dump the whole lot of them. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It doesn't take six weeks to figure out if you want to work on the marriage. He's spent a good part of the six weeks away from you and he's not even trying.

When they say they need "me" time or "alone" time, that usually means they need time to think things over. They usually can do this in a spare room in your home, they don't need to be in someone else's house three hours away.

When they say they need "space," they usually mean they need to be physically away from you so they can continue the affair.

There's a good chance he's continuing the affair. If not, he may have found a different affair partner or decided to go back to the single lifestyle.

He's keeping you open as an option, just in case. When he's found someone to replace you, and they want to make plans together, then he will cut you loose. In the meantime, what's the downside for him to just string you along? Just in case.

You thought you had the perfect relationship. He was keeping secrets from you - he was letting you act like everything was perfect, but he's known for a while now that he did not feel the same way. He just didn't see the point in telling you about it. It's better for him if he can have two women who love him.

He does not seem like he cares at all about you. *Letting you spend Easter alone, not even a phone call to wish his wife a Happy Easter*? This is extremely strange given that he supposedly hasn't made a decision yet, it would be more understandable if he already had told you that he wants a divorce. Like you said, it's not like he has much to be mad at about you, you should be the one to be upset with him.

Time for you to move on and file for divorce. If he comes back, make him meet your conditions, let him win you back, don't just take him back and go back to the status quo that got you here. Set conditions for you to assure yourself of his faithfulness and don't take him back otherwise.

I honestly don't see why you want him back. He was not that person you thought he was, that was just in your mind, something else was in his mind.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I just want to clarify to be totally clear.... we went for a hike together and then he went to dinner at his parents place (not that that makes it any better but I don't want to make it seem like he is a total ass.... although at this point he kinda is!) 

As for kids... no... I'm 24, he is 26, and thankfully the only dependent we need to worry about is our dog. 

As for why I want him back, that is a very good question which I have been struggling to answer myself. I don't feel like I can just quit without trying. He hasn't always been this person he is now and I guess I am struggling with letting the person I loved before go. 

My entire world revolved around him, and I absolutely 100% had him up on a pedestal. These are all things I am dealing with in IC but I just can't imagine my life without him.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Henley, I am so sorry that you are here. Like you, I had my wife on a pedestal and my entire world revolved around her.

Unfortunately, the man that you thought you knew is gone. In his place is a facsimile of the person that you married. Right now, he's just not into you. Before I found out about my wife's affairs, she was distant and told me that 'the attraction for me just isn't there.' [Yes, this should've been a big red flag but I didn't know anything about how cheaters behave.]

Unless he comes back on his hands and knees, with tears streaming out of his eyes and snot dripping out of his nose, begging your forgiveness, then your marriage unfortunately is over. 

You should read about the '180' and 'Just Let Them Go'. I know it's difficult to fathom, but the life that you knew is over. Whether you reconcile with him or file for divorce, things will never be the same.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

henley, i know exactly how you feel....i was right there last year, fighting tooth and nail to have him stay and give us another go.

LeighRichwood is right, I was exactly the same like her...i was so concerned about saving my marriage at all costs that i was willing to do whatever it takes to get him back.

He came back home for only 4 weeks and his emotional affair started back with the same co-worker.

i know its really REALLY hard to hear this right now...ive been where you are and i wasn't prepared to let go, but it didnt do me any good. 

Do yourself a favor and focus on yourself right now....do the 180 because it will help you tremendously in the end regardless what the outcome is.

By doing the 180 you might find yourself again. I know that i have lost myself somewhere along the way as i have been with my husband for 17 years, but know that you are stronger than you think and you WILL make it without him. 

Best of luck in your journey...we all have to go thru this painful growing pains in our relationships, but know that we will make it thru in the end.


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## DonnvWarner (Apr 9, 2012)

I don't know how it is possible to know if the A is over


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