# I Guess the Fat Lady has Sung



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

My wife and I have been trying to give it another chance after I asked for a divorce. Some of you know that she is functional BPD, but it has been a real eye opener to see the affect of her insecurities.

Her insecurities drive her to hold tremendous resentment for me in particular. Over the holiday, her best friend from another state visited with a new husband, cementing our fate, I would say. To see her smile disappear when I entered the room was heartbreaking.

There are a number of us on this board who feel like we really tried to be a perfect mate. Somehow, for 23 year, I thought that I could heal her. I remember the good times, putting pride aside to be a fool for love. She remembers imagined offenses, and how I was so cruel to her. Keep in mind that the type of things she remembers are really odd. Like when she says that I would make love to her all night only to make her think I was happy.

Another area that seemed to open my eyes was an overheard discussion between our grown daughters asking each other if their mother was becoming even more screwed up as time passed. And, my wife admitted that she recently gained 70 pounds because she was tired of being so unloved. Unloved to her is our tendency to make love only three to four times per week, plus 'all nighters' at least once every other week, and more when I reserve a hotel. She hasn't initiated a hug, kiss or even an 'I love you' in more years than I can remember. Once, when she said that I was unloving last week, I reminded her of a dozen times I had kissed, complimented her, danced, and similar, and her only reply was to shake her head.

I've decided to try to keep an open mind until I am finacially prepared to pull the switch (about three months). Miracles do happen. But mostly, I can't resign myself to finishing my life with someone who seems to hate me.

Thanks to Bob and others who have helped me process this situation over the last weeks.

And yes, she attends therapy weekly, and we even tried joint couseling. My next step is therapy for me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Takris,
That is really sad. Does your W work?



takris said:


> My wife and I have been trying to give it another chance after I asked for a divorce. Some of you know that she is functional BPD, but it has been a real eye opener to see the affect of her insecurities.
> 
> Her insecurities drive her to hold tremendous resentment for me in particular. Over the holiday, her best friend from another state visited with a new husband, cementing our fate, I would say. To see her smile disappear when I entered the room was heartbreaking.
> 
> ...


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Takris - I need to go read your posts. It takes a lot of inner strength to stay in a relationship like this for so long. God bless you and your family.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Hello Takris i was reading in your journey it was like reading in mine with some changes lol all what Uptown said is applicable for all of us who her/his spouse has BPD traits

I use to think so much like you. Even now after i moved out sometimes i still think the same way too BUT how many chances do we need to give? and for how long we are going to keep fantasizing about our marriage? together for ever...
In one of your thread a post from AFEH is so much true and it made me smile for a while 



AFEH said:


> ...With these PDs it’s like trying to push a rock up a hill. We get it half way up or a bit more if we’re lucky and then blow me it rolls back to the bottom and we start over again and again.
> 
> Sometimes we just gotta sit back and visualise what our life would be like without that rock in it. It took me a very long time for me to let go of the rock and let it roll down by itself to the bottom of the hill and walk away from it never to try again.
> Bob


lol i was picturing the rock but AFEH forgot to mention the big possibility that the rock rolled over us and  (like in cartoons) we stand up just straighten ourselves and start back pushing the rock up the hill so funny how we keep fighting but sadly it is for a fantasy in our mind....

In one discussion my H said i can't change without you you need to help me. You want to leave me because you are anti Christ you forgot your religion You forgot your vows and what the bible asks you to do to help and support your h. You are so selfish you only care about yourself you are leaving me drowning without trying to rescue me.

but i was strong enough to say that the bible asks me to help my h if he wants to help himself the bible doesn't ask me to suicide. You are letting yourself drowning and i tried to help you and you were dragging me down more and more. I don't want to die at least i want to save myself and nobody can help you You need to help yourself.

Very reasonable answer but do you think with his sick mind he understood or will understand one day what i said? smh

4Months away and divorce in process and i still don't want to let my dream go!!! 
It's like i should not feel better without wanting to try back pushing the rock up the hill

PS:Even though we are now separated and i filed for divorce i still can't say my stbxh



takris said:


> ....I've decided to try to keep an open mind until I am finacially prepared to pull the switch (about three months). Miracles do happen. But mostly, I can't resign myself to finishing my life with someone who seems to hate me.
> 
> Thanks to Bob and others who have helped me process this situation over the last weeks.
> 
> And yes, she attends therapy weekly, and we even tried joint couseling. My next step is therapy for me.


I just hope that to be financially prepared is not an excuse to stay in your relationship and after few months you will find another excuse 
the Detachment is really difficult after a long term marriage..

About Therapy it's going to help you if you seek individual therapy the MC is not going to help because and as always Uptown says she needs a long term individual therapy and the chances for her to change are very poor...


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

NoLongerSad said:


> Takris:
> 
> Sorry to hear things are not working out for you.
> 
> ...


Certainly didn't mean to imply that all the blame is hers. Maybe its why I come across as harsh, but most of our discussions through the years were about my problems, which we worked on. I've apologized and worked on many of my issues, and she has tried to learn to live with the others. 23 years doesn't make me codependent. To me, it was part of being committed and having integrity. I wouldn't have left her for cancer. With her issues, I pushed her to improve at all times, but I think it was counterproductive in the sense that it kept the problems in front of her all the time. But in the last couple of years, she has resigned herself to being unhappy, without the option of working on insecurities, and doesn't think the insecurities should even matter. You can't imagine how it feels to have your spouse tell you for years that you deserve better than her.

I plan to spend plenty of time in therapy, regardless.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

LVS said:


> Hello Takris I just hope that to be financially prepared is not an excuse to stay in your relationship and after few months you will find another excuse
> the Detachment is really difficult after a long term marriage..
> 
> About Therapy it's going to help you if you seek individual therapy the MC is not going to help because and as always Uptown says she needs a long term individual therapy and the chances for her to change are very poor...


Thanks so much for these words. I'll save this one.

A few weeks ago, when I brought up divorce, I heard a strange noise upstairs. She was counting pills, trying to decide how many pills it would take to kill herself. Ironically, her therapist wasn't alarmed by this as much as me. 

So, in a few months, I'll have a few thousand extra out of every monthly paycheck and can set her up in the location where she has always wanted to live. Plus, I'll have my children's tuition aside.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

takris said:


> A few weeks ago, when I brought up divorce, I heard a strange noise upstairs. She was counting pills, trying to decide how many pills it would take to kill herself. Ironically, her therapist wasn't alarmed by this as much as me.


Yes this is expected with BPDers i don't know how much your wife is serious about that i hope everything you are working on will go smoothly

My h threatened to let himself die and he was talking about his bad health situation and that he is going to die if i leave him.
4 months has gone since i moved out and he is still in good condition except of ignoring his well being to be always looking like the victim.....

Good luck takris


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## jahenders (Dec 9, 2010)

I feel for you, brother. I've been married 24 years. Things were generally OK until about 5 years ago at which point she announced that, "our marriage is circling the drain." We separated, did counseling, and got back together after about 6 months. Things were good for a year or so, then OK for a few more. In the last 2 years she discovered she had an eating disorder, severe self-image issues, and depression. 

Her reaction to me is much as you describe it -- lots of resentment, no affection whatever, acts as if I'm a cruel/horrible guy even though I go out of my way to be careful what I say and to thank her/praise her. 

She sees a therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician, and does group therapy. Most of that seems helpful, but she also has an informal support group -- a (female) friend who she texts dozens of times a day and in the middle of the night. I am in the military and was recently home for 2 weeks -- it was painful to have her text someone else for support/encouragement while she was sitting next to me.

Now, she says she doesn't think she can go on in our marriage unless I change to treat her better. I honestly don't know that I can change like she wants unless I cut my vocal chords (so as to never say anything to bother her).


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

jahenders said:


> I feel for you, brother. I've been married 24 years. Things were generally OK until about 5 years ago at which point she announced that, "our marriage is circling the drain." We separated, did counseling, and got back together after about 6 months. Things were good for a year or so, then OK for a few more. In the last 2 years she discovered she had an eating disorder, severe self-image issues, and depression.
> 
> Her reaction to me is much as you describe it -- lots of resentment, no affection whatever, acts as if I'm a cruel/horrible guy even though I go out of my way to be careful what I say and to thank her/praise her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply.

Strangely enough, I finally thought I found a way to explain things to her so that she could understand, but it went over like a lead balloon. Point is, with the natural ebb and flow of a marriage, I was always the one who brought us back together. Always the one to say I love you, etc. Always the one who planned every outing or event, and took care of all the details. Basically, I just want her to be an active participant in the marriage. She said that she can't do this unless I first treat her like I always did in the past. And even then, she'll have to feel secure each time before doing anything.

I am very far from being a good husband, though, to be clear. I grew up in a tough world, so even though I don't raise my voice or threaten her in any way, I do need to get a little space between her and myself, which she finds insulting.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

takris..I'm going to be honest here. My 24yo daughter is borderline. I've watched her over the years and wondered how anyone in their right mind could be with her. That's not me being cruel, that's me being honest. It's like you can't prove your love enough to the pwbpd. Every. Single. Time. her boyfriend would make her mad about something, she'd self harm. Heck of a way to control someone. However..my D is a severe case. 
Her family (myself, her sister and brother) can't prove our love enough. Nothing we do is good enough, ever ENOUGH. Period. One little thing and we're back to black again. I haven't been out of the black longer than a few hours in the last few years. 
Some parents question the borderline's ability to love at all. For me, the jury is still out on that one. I'm just not sure. All I know is..high functioning or low functioning, these are very difficult relationships to maintain. I'm sure you gave it everything you had. I'm sorry it's come to this.


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