# Depression and emotional affair, is there a link?



## hrtwife (Apr 22, 2013)

Hello,
My husband has been suffering from depression since he was about 6yo. At the age of 17 he started masking it with marijuana use. In November of 2011 I had to have an emergency hysterectomy, my husband couldn't handle me being down, so he got angry and did not support me through this trying time. My surgery caused me to need to collect disability as I have the higher paycheck we relied on this to keep the rent paid. Unfortunately for some reason I was ineligible. So we lost our house and had to move in with friends with our four kids. 
3 months later my husband was so extremely suicidal and had stopped taking the meds he was on. I took him to the hospital 5150'd him and spent the 72 hours following with no sleep and searching for a treatment facility. I found one about 50 miles from us. He was there for a month and my kids and I visited twice a week, once I went alone and it was a very romantic visit. We discussed our lives together once he came home and the changes we would make, etc. It was nice. 
He has been home a year and we have been having serious problems with him not being involved in our family's life. He has only had a job about 2 months which has put a huge strain on the family over the last year. 
In the last week I have uncovered an emotional affair that he has been having with his ex girlfriend from before me (20 years ago). It is mainly email only, he has seen her 3 times, one of those times she visited him at the treatment facility. This devastates me. He is telling her he loves her and that he cannot wait for all the kids (she is married with two) to grow up so they can be together. For the last week we have been going around in circles, him saying that he wants to try for us, then not. He keeps saying that I have been unhappy for a long time so why do I want to try? I want to try because he is the love of my life. And what he has with her are just words. I AM REAL!!!! So he is not willing to give up the email relationship with her, but says he will go to counseling. I am so at a loss here, could this be a symptom of his depression?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

hrtwife said:


> Hello,
> I am so at a loss here, could this be a symptom of his depression?


I don't want to answer that "yes" or "no", because the it might give you or him the wrong idea.

I had sympathy and/or empathy for my wife, in her EA. She had been depressed and stressed and miserable for a very long time. But so had I.

I saw that the EA brought a little, well, even much sunshine into her life. And, before I knew the extent of it, I even helped with this "project" that accompanied the budding EA: trying to get help for the OM's alcohol addiction.

(Btw, her OM was her former high school sweetheart, from 20 years earlier! This place is full of coincidences, every single day!)

Her EA, it seems, uplifted her spirits and made her feel better about her attractiveness (I guess, in a way I had failed to), that she even started having sex with me more frequently. (I feel like such a loser about that now, but I digress.)

Point is, the EA seemed to be a powerful drug for her.

Second point is, she's the one that chose to take that drug, and refused to stop, despite much protesting from me, and lying about it stopping, and further harm to our marriage.

Third point, I was just as unhappy as her. We both take antidepressants. I never have had an EA or a PA, and don't think I ever will. (If nothing else, my father's EA and/or PA, and the damage I saw it doing to my mom on a daily basis for years, has cured me of that potential vice.)


So, bottom line: Perhaps there is a link. Perhaps depression made him more vulnerable to making the wrong choice. But, now he has two problems: depression and EA's effects on your marriage.

Please don't let any sympathy/empathy you have with him in his depression con you into not honoring your own needs.

Now, if you had said he has bipolar depression and is a manic episode, then perhaps I'd be more open to the mania being a causative factor.

By the way, this is all just my opinion. I'm not a trained mental health professional. Just a guy with my own biases, challenges, and pain. YMMV. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## hrtwife (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you for your candor. It helps to know there are others out there going through the same situation. Do you mind me asking how it is going for you? Does my situation have hope?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi, I too am not going to say yes or no but from personal experience I can say that antidepressant can really mess with your head. I found this form looking for information Marriages destroyed by SSRI's/SNRIs - Topix. It may help you see if he had any odd behavior which may have contributed. Hope it helps you know him better than anyone else. Also if he saw her three times I would question if it was physical too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

One of the problems with depression is the inability to feel joyful. The lack of serotonin and dopamine keep the mood depressed. New infatuation spikes the levels of serotonin and dopamine enabling the depressed to feel joy. 

Understanding that process *might* help your husband to understand that his desire to continue this relationship is based on his desire to feel less depressed and more joy. But cocaine would do the same thing to his brain and be just as destructive to his marriage.

If he insists, after being fully cognizant of the chemical imbalance and quest for joy is going to hurt you and your marriage, that his relationship with OW continue, you need to be prepared to leave. He is chasing straws and will even build a home with those straws believing he has found his cure. Do you really want to stick around for all that to happen? The longer he stays in contact with OW, the less likely he will successfully break contact and focus of the reality of curing his depression and building a life with you. Do you deserve that?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

hrtwife said:


> Thank you for your candor. It helps to know there are others out there going through the same situation. Do you mind me asking how it is going for you? Does my situation have hope?


Her EA ended a few years ago (I believe, always a doubt  ).

Issues we had before the EA largely remain.
I'm learning to deal with them differently than before, and am pursing IC and help here. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I am determined and convinced nothing is ever going to be the same.

If you posted your situation to the infidelity-related forum(s) here, you would probably get very strong advice to make this EA stop immediately, and several practical tactics to make it so.

I'm wondering if you are sure your husband's fondness of OW is indeed reciprocated. Or might he also be in a fantasy world about that?


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@Hurtwife, as Anon Pink pointed out he may be using the old HS GF as his source of happiness, his drug of choice. He may very well love and care about you but needs this OW in his life to fill in the gaps he has, or level him out. Is it right by you, heck no, but his filling his needs are more important to him than you are.

I don't know if he is still on his meds or not at this time, but MC and therapy are called for. Maybe, if nothing else, your feeling about this will be validated by a professional and you can get guidance on what you can do.

I'm going through my own issues with my H and his depression from a lack of having an OW in his life. The last of his supplies was finally cut off late last summer and he has slowly entered into a downward spiral and doesn't understand why, but I think I do.


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