# Unexpected sadness



## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

My decree nisi came through yesterday and I will be officially divorced in 6 weeks.

I went for a walk today and my husband was a keen Fisher before his mental health deteriorated and we had to end out relationship.

It's been nearly 2 years since the start of our breakup. 
Was messy and I tried to support him with his me tal health but he wouldn't let me help amd pushed me out. 

I miss him so much today. 

on the walk a body of water with fishing perches was screaming old memories that feel engraved deep within my heart I fear they will never go away 


I just cried looking at at. 

As soon as I feel ready to move on something comes up and I miss him. 


My children haven't seen him in 8 months. 
My youngest is 5 and doesn't Evan remember his dad. 💔 I don't Evan know of they will ever see him again. 

If he will survive and get help or die because he is so ill. 



I have changed since our relationship broke down. 

I was saved and born again to salvation through Jesus christ and honeslty I feel so alone in days like today. 
Loneliness is part of my life and most days I am good with that. 

I like to be alone but this divorce is having me up and down like a yo-yo. 

When will I balance out? Will I ever balance out. ? 
I suspect not. 


Will I ever be able to feel something. Anything for another person ?

I was shopping in town about 6 weeks ago and I saw a card saying happy divorce in the local card factory. 
What on earth I thought to myself. 

I can't imagine having any elated feeling about being divorced enough to have a card like a celebration. 

Divorce is messy and so tragic in my experience and I can't barebthe thought of going out celebrating that. 

Yes happy it's nearly over. But I am now starting to see that it will never be over really. 

Always will there be a part of me is so sad about my marriage. 

Never am I going to be able to find anyone who will want to have a relationship with me. 

And do I Evan want that? 
Probably not. Not right now at least. Maybe one day. Be nice if I could meet someone and ha e them as a best friend and lifelong partner but I'm fooling myself there. 

I guess point here is how long will this take? 

Emotionally being triggered my stuff from our 17 year relationship?

I will never be able to not have those memories. That's all of my adult life. 

This is so so hard. 
I wish I felt nothing. It would be easier. I stead of feeling everything. 

Who would want a divorcee with 3 kids 2 with complex special needs. ?

Oh my. So much baggage. 
Not to mention how this has damaged my children. 
Especially my son without special needs. He misses his dad. 

He won't likely see him again. 
His mental health prevents him being a dad or Evan caring. And he refuses medication and health care professionals help. In denial. 
Will likely harm himself or someone else sad truth of it. 


I could talk for hours about this. But I'll stop there.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, it sounds like YOU could do with some counseling. 
It's not your fault that your husband had mental health issues, and not your fault AT ALL that he won't take the meds that could help him. Many who have mental health issues either flat-out refuse it, or as soon as they start feeling better, stop taking it and revert.

My cousin has severe mental illness and her H had to divorce her after 40 YEARS of marriage (she is delusional, thinks the CIA is listening in on her via smoke detectors, physically attacked him, etc.). She used to take meds for years and was fine (she was a real sweetheart to be honest), and then 5-6 years ago got it into her head that her H was in collusion with the CIA and was FORCING her to take meds to control her. She stopped, and has really sunk low after that. It's NEVER easy.

The only advice I can offer you -- do some counseling, understand that HIS issues are not your fault. Try to enjoy your life with your kids, try to develop some new hobbies for yourself. See your friends, etc.. You will heal in time, and DO NOT count yourself out for finding someone else to be with.
Very sorry that you are dealing with all this, but you will get there....


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> Honestly, it sounds like YOU could do with some counseling.
> It's not your fault that your husband had mental health issues, and not your fault AT ALL that he won't take the meds that could help him. Many who have mental health issues either flat-out refuse it, or as soon as they start feeling better, stop taking it and revert.
> 
> My cousin has severe mental illness and her H had to divorce her after 40 YEARS of marriage (she is delusional, thinks the CIA is listening in on her via smoke detectors, physically attacked him, etc.). She used to take meds for years and was fine (she was a real sweetheart to be honest), and then 5-6 years ago got it into her head that her H was in collusion with the CIA and was FORCING her to take meds to control her. She stopped, and has really sunk loiw 777777777777777777777⁷after that. It's NEVER easy.
> ...


Thank.you for your reply. 
I am currently having counciling 
I think just the whole process of it is hard. 

Thank you 
My husband was too like you explained and super delusional too the 
Things he was saying was awful and similar and super extreme. 

Just a hard situation and divorce isn't a easy journey for sure. 

Thank you again for your reply


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

Definitely in the same boat of roller coast of emotions. I will definitely pray for you and your family.


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