# Polygraph results and venting a bit.



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well my wife and I went to visit my grandpa last Friday for a polygraph test. I know a lot of people are skeptical about polygraph tests, but I know my grandpa is [email protected] good at his job. My grandpa was an investigator for the police department and did polygraphs at the court house most of his career and he retired about 5 or 6 years ago but he still does investigating and polys twice a week for the court house and he also has his own little business doing polys. I don’t have any doubts about the accuracy, like I said, I know my grandpa is [email protected] good at his job.

When I had contacted my grandpa to ask him about my W taking a poly, he asked that I send him an e-mail telling him what it is I know and what I want to know, so I sent him an e-mail and gave him a brief explanation of the story and told him some things that I wanted to know.

At the appointment my grandpa talked with both of us about everything he was going to go over and kind of gave my W a little background of his career and then said that he had 2 rules about giving her the investigation/poly, 1 she did not lie to him at all during the whole thing and 2 that when he gives the results we both accept them.

When the time came he asked me to step out so he could start the investigation. That was probably the longest 2 hours of my life. When it was all said and done he had me come back into his office and he explained to me a little bit about what they went over and said that from what he had gone over with her and seen, she wasn’t lying about anything. Then he asked if we wanted to see what the results showed based off of the computer software he uses (which he did say he doesn’t always trust it so he goes back and does it manually) and the results said that she was being truthful, and that the chances of her being deceptive were 0.006%.

The polygraph was based off of a handful of questions and mainly focused on whether or not she had sex with someone else while we have been married. It was very relieving to see on paper that she wasn’t lying about having sex with any of the OM. It was still very strange because the past 11 months I’ve had so many thoughts about whether or not she had sex with any of them and my whole thought process has been so distorted because of all the lies and now all of the sudden I know for sure she didn’t.

I don’t know how to explain the way I felt after it all. I guess the best way to explain it would be, how would you feel if you walked outside and the sky was a different color and no one else seemed to notice but you and when you ask people about it they say to you “what do you mean, it’s always been that way”. If that even makes sense... I still don’t think the truth has completely set in yet, I guess I just need to go over everything that has happened over the last 11 ½ months with myself all over again.

I’ve told my W that the poly hasn’t fixed everything, it has just provided me with facts that have answered some big questions. It hasn’t made the 11 months of lies, all the phone calls, texts, make out session, and strong feelings she had for another man go away. It hasn’t made my anxiety and panic attacks go away nor my fears or any of the other negative emotions I have.

It’s just really hard for me to believe that 95% of the things I know about everything she has done, I figured out all by myself and there isn’t anything else. I’ve asked her to give me some specifics about some of the conversations she had with the OMen, and I’ve explained that I don’t expect her to remember everything but she just says there isn’t anything else. Out of all the calls and all the texts the only info I’ve been provided is that they all expressed their feelings for her once, and 2 of the guys were trying to convince her to just get a D and that’s it. It’s just so hard to believe that there isn’t more that was said or done by any of them.

Sorry this went on a lot longer that I had planned, it’s nice to vent occasionally though. Thanks for all the support through this awful rollercoaster ride I’ve been on.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Congratulations! or Congratulations?

Im only judging by the tone of your post. Which obviously, I could be reading with the voice in my head. But I am curious. I put myself in your shoes and asked myself how I might feel if I was faced with the situation that your in.

Are you disappointed in a way that it turns out nothing physical happened? I could see where I might be. I know that sounds odd, but after as much mental sufferage and pain its almost like finding out it was physical might have been that permission slip to let it go. To let go of the pain and the marriage. I can see where that would be the "line" that I knew there was no coming back from and I could "let go"... 

Where as, now that I know that line wasn't crossed... I am now faced with the decision of what to do, can I recover from the emotional betrayal, lies and damage? How long and painful will that road to recovery be? Will I spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

I'm just sorta thinking out loud. I'm not assuming your thinking anything along these lines. 

All of us on the surface would like to save our marriage. Then under the surface there is just so much pain and so much damage, The thought of the grueling journey to recovery and all of the pitfalls is so scary it almost makes the "permission" or decision to leave it all behind and move on with a new life attractive...

I know, stange conflicting thoughts, It's all such a mess. Again, that's just me thinking. 

Wherever your journey takes you, I wish you strength. 

Best regards.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Is it possible that your Grandpa fudged the results on order to make you main minimal, and help preserve your marriage. They could have done a great deal of talking in those two hours. I sure your Grandpa is a honorable and professional man, but you are his grandson and he probably loves you both very much and is trying to help keep you together. Just saying!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@Pit - I understand the confusion, I know that my post has kind of an off tone to it, I think everything is still sinking in. I'm not disappointed at all that she didn't have sex with anyone, I know she made out with a guy and had strong feelings for him and just knowing that plus all the lies/deceit has been damaging enough.

I can see how someone could be disappointed in that position though, but I don't that as a reason to walk away from all of this, I have plenty of reasons already.

Now I'm just continuing the internal battle of what to do. Should I jump ship and abandon my 8 year relationship that I've put so much effort into? Or should I stick it out and keep moving through the storm?

The problem is the lying, deceit, all the calls behind my back and constant texting, going up to her moms to use the landline to talk with the OMen or using her old work phone to call them after agreeing to NC, and I'm pretty beat up about her having strong feelings for another man. I'm afraid this could happen again in the future.

At the same time I feel that she has learned a very valuable lesson from all of this and won't do it ever again. After the poly I feel that she is being completely truthful with me now, I just have a hard time believing that I've put most of this puzzle together all by myself. I feel like I'm staring at a puzzle that's mostly put together, maybe 85-90% complete, so you can make out what the picture is and I want the rest of the pieces to finish it but I'm being told those were all the pieces in the box.

It almost feels like a game of chance... 50/50. I'll either end up going through this again, or worse. Or she will be a very loyal, faithful loving spouse.

Of course as all of you know, this rollercoaster we've all been on has it's ups and downs so sometimes it seems like things could be great and sometimes things seem like they will be terrible. I hate having this huge fluctuation in emotions constantly throughout the day.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@Calif - Nah, that's not like my grandpa at all. I see where you are coming from though, but I don't see him doing something like that at all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> @Calif - Nah, that's not like my grandpa at all. I see where you are coming from though, but I don't see him doing something like that at all.


give your gramps a polygraph to make sure


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Take time out to breathe, put the thoughts behind you and step forward. Court your wife , monitor her behaviours and her responses to you. She should be doing her everything to make up for what she has done and willing tell you where she is and what she does . Most companies provide the company mobile bill to the employee to verify call usage , your wife can bring this home and let you view it. She should not have any other phone other than one you can see or track. 

After a while if you so choose schedule another poly . 

Take this one step at a time , together you can make it through assuming your wife does her everything to repair the damage . You in turn should keep an eye on your own behaviours. Give a chance as once you walk away there is no going back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> @Pit - I understand the confusion, I know that my post has kind of an off tone to it, I think everything is still sinking in. I'm not disappointed at all that she didn't have sex with anyone, I know she made out with a guy and had strong feelings for him and just knowing that plus all the lies/deceit has been damaging enough.
> 
> I can see how someone could be disappointed in that position though, but I don't that as a reason to walk away from all of this, I have plenty of reasons already.
> 
> ...


What it comes down to is how you want to live the rest of your life? Can you ever trust your wife again? I know I couldn't after what you say transpired. I would have to leave but each of us has our own level of tolerance to infidelity. It is really a self-reflection thing all of us should do prior to getting into a relationship and it should be discussed openly. I will not tolerate so and so and if you do this, I am done. Some people fail to realize that personal actions will create negative consequences and sometimes it is realizing what those consequences will be initially that will influence behavior. 

Best of luck.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> give your gramps a polygraph to make sure


I don't need to validate whether or not my grandpa is lying to me because he hasn't had a history of lying and decieving me. Though he did say that if either of us felt the need to contest his accuracy he would gladly hand everything over to another investigator to view. By law, the whole thing had to be recorded, both video and audio. 

I know my grandpa takes his work very seriously, he has to do a lot of these polygraphs for accused sex offenders and other various people that have been accused of some kind of crime.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> @Pit - I understand the confusion, I know that my post has kind of an off tone to it, I think everything is still sinking in. I'm not disappointed at all that she didn't have sex with anyone
> 
> I can see how someone could be disappointed in that position


I guess after thinking about it, I could have choosen a better word than disappointed... of course your not "disappointed" your W didnt have sex with other men... Although as you pointed out and in my own personal opinion, the emotional infidelity and lies are the much bigger gorilla in the room...

As I'm sure you know, whatever decision you ultimately go with it cant be half way. You have got to go "all in" or "fold".


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Eli-Zor & Corkey, thanks for the input.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I guess after thinking about it, I could have choosen a better word than disappointed... of course your not "disappointed" your W didnt have sex with other men... Although as you pointed out and in my own personal opinion, the emotional infidelity and lies are the much bigger gorilla in the room...
> 
> As I'm sure you know, whatever decision you ultimately go with it cant be half way. You have got to go "all in" or "fold".


Ya I know. How long is appropriate to think about all of this to make a decision? Sometimes I feel like I'm being rushed by my W or MC and I've stated that if I am being forced to make a decision I will just throw in the towel.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's a game of chance, but it's probably not 50/50


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm sure they're better now, but I had a psychology teacher once who had a polygraph machine. He hooked some of us up to it and asked questions. I got hooked up to it and it indicated that I was lying about almost everything, but I wasn't. A friend of mine, who is kind of weird and shows no emotion about anything, lied his @$$ off and the needle never moved.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I'm sure they're better now, but I had a psychology teacher once who had a polygraph machine. He hooked some of us up to it and asked questions. I got hooked up to it and it indicated that I was lying about almost everything, but I wasn't. A friend of mine, who is kind of weird and shows no emotion about anything, lied his @$$ off and the needle never moved.



tbf, the person administering it needs to know what theyre doing


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Forsaken----this whole game is played by your rules FROM NOW ON---you are the person who MUST live with the knowlege that your wife preferred other men to you, that she sh*t on her vows, that she basically said to you---you are nothing but a mealticket, along with being a POS

She is not the same person you took vows with, she is not the same person you loved---does she feel anything for you, even now---who knows if what she says about your relationship is true---she lies about everything, so how can you trust her that she wants to be with you cuz she now all of a sudden loves you, again,

Do this for you, on your time line, and based on what you want---let your wife, AND the MC, know that you are the only one calling the shots, and if either, doesn't like it, they can leave at any time!!!!!!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I was thinking about the psychological after-effect of taking Poly.

I think first by taking poly, WW has shown the true willingness to reveal the truth. After all, we have to acknowledge that Poly is an extremely invasive tool, although not perfect, designed to scope deep into our mind. 

But also, I think once WW took poly, she must have realized that there is a way to reveal the truth no matter how well she thinks she kept it hidden. Realizing the futility of covering up one's misdeeds, thinking no one else will know, must have hit home like a blow to her head. 

I think this as another positive aspect of polygraph. It makes them think twice from this point on before doing anything "secretive". 

Forsaken is still worried that despite the poly result she may cheat again. I think her experience of taking poly has at least reduced the chance of repeat significantly.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why/how has the poly reduced the possibility the adulteress will cheat again---if she wants to cheat she will cheat, she will be much more careful, and go much deeper underground

No one can prevent cheating, one can only hope their spouse has enuff morality, and class not to re-introduce the havoc, they have already reigned upon the betrayed-----


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Both of you have very valid points. All I know is I can control my actions, it's just hard to know what to do based off of hers.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Forsaken,

I'm glad to see that she agreed to a poly. I'm also pleased to see that she passed it. I know it's tough and I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. It is your decision to make. I do wish the best for both of you.

I agree fully, as always, with Eli-zor. Also, the poster that mentioned the act of the polygraph reducing the possibility of future cheating sounds feasible to me. She knows your gut will tell you if it happens again. She's been here long enough and seen enough of our stories to know that. She also knows that you know how to test your gut if it tells you something is amiss. Also, she knows your grandpa is available and willing to perform the test.

My personal take is that she is about 80 - 90% likely to stay faithful to you. That is solely my opinion based on my limited knowledge of you, her, and your situation. I don't think it is quite 50-50. I do believe the odds are in your favor at this point.

Take your time. Take it slowly. One step at a time. This pain, anger,and bitterness is a real bitc_ to get rid of. You'll need to get rid of that, regardless of what you decide about your relationship with Wingsoflove. Work on getting rid of that and start courting her as you feel comfortable. I forgot. Did you file? If not, I would hold off on that for a period of time. 

Just my 2 cents worth. Thank you again for your service, sir. I am sure things will work out well for you, either way you choose.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

jnj express said:


> Why/how has the poly reduced the possibility the adulteress will cheat again---if she wants to cheat she will cheat, she will be much more careful, and go much deeper underground
> 
> No one can prevent cheating, one can only hope their spouse has enuff morality, and class not to re-introduce the havoc, they have already reigned upon the betrayed-----


So - what happens the next time she lies or acts suspicous? Off to grandpas?

If you NEED this kind of verification in order to trust her, then I'm not sure you really have trust.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I guess I am missing something but it is irrelevant whether she actually had intercourse with these other men. She has been emotionally cheating, lying and totally showing total disrespect to her husband. She lies to his face and continued to making out with another man behind his back. I am sorry but she is a liar and cheater. Do you think Forsaken that she would be so accepting as she wants you to be?

If you do not see her as a cheater and a liar then I am afraid that you are in denial. What is her definition of sex? She made out with other men which by definition makes it a physical affair at the very least. Let me ask you this: Are you proud that she is your wife? If you knew then what you know now would you have still married her? You need to think long and hard about this. Good luck.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Lets keep in mind what many of us who have been through similar situation say to all the new folks here. "When involved with a cheater, there is a script... and they often take the affair further underground.... and you must assume they are lying everytime their lips move... and finally, they often have to hit the absolute bottom before they can finally realize the total ramification sof their actions and by then, it is often too late."

So the question to you is this.... you know this script Forsaken, we all do. As much as you, or any of us, or even I since I bought into her lies a bit myself on the forums here, wanted to believe, she had obviously not hit that absolute bottom. Now, has she? And if so, is it too late?

If the last answer is yes, then everything else is academic. If not, then only you can make the choice of where to go from here and make the choice of fight or flight.

I know it isn't a tidy, neat and quick course of a action but, does anything worth fighting for ever fall into that realm? 

Q~


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Forsaken,
> 
> I'm glad to see that she agreed to a poly. I'm also pleased to see that she passed it. I know it's tough and I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. It is your decision to make. I do wish the best for both of you.
> 
> ...


80 to 90% Would be much better than the general population to.

One thing Forsaken should consider is that statistically 80% of the couples that divorce over infidelity regret that decision later and wish they had worked things out in their marriage. Just sayin.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Where did that 80% come from, and how was it validated---80% of who/what---anyone can make numbers read anyway they want

I know one thing, and I do not think there are many of the betrayed's here, who would disagree

Life is never the same, trust is gone, peace of mind is gone, carefree days in the sun is gone----

you will always look over your shoulder

There basically is a negotiated peace tween the spouses, it isn't like it was, and never can be like it was

If living like that is better than going out on your own, than so be it

Going on your own, is not easy, finding a partner that fits right, is not easy, and depending on your age if you do go on your own, there may be little or nothing out there for you

Financial reasons make it hard to split up, and make life much harder if you are on your own

It's all a tuff call---stay, and be miserable, go out on your own, and be who knows what----but the 80% statistic is really the result of WHAT, what were the factors that got the 80% saying its better to stay and miserable, than go and be miserable!!!!!


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks again for all the input. I don't know how to answer all of the questions at the moment, my thoughts are really clouded and I'm very confused and can't think clearly. Also I know I'm still struggling with the whole analysis paralysis which isn't making anything any easier. I think I know a little bit about what I'm going to do regarding the whole analysis paralysis so that I stop having such huge problems making any type of decisions.

I'll keep you all updated, thanks again for all of your input.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I don't think you can put a percentage on whether or not she will do this again. What I was implying is that there is a 50/50 chance, she'll either do something like this again or she won't.

She had the choice to make out with OM or not make out with the OM, text the OM or stop texting the OM, call the OM or stop calling the OM, answer the OMs calls or decline the OMs calls, tell me the truth or lie to me. It's has always been a "do or do not" situation. The odds have always been 50/50 and always will be.

When it comes to making decisions/choices it's very black and white, there is no gray area. Choices are based off of either right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, do or do not; 50/50.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Not to nitpick, but I must say 50/50 usually means either statstically, like saying there's 50/50 chance of getting even or odd numbers rolling a dice, or distribution/proportion-wise, like I split profit 50/50 with a partner.

Your W may or may not contact OM, but that does not mean the chance of that happening is 50/50. If she is in deep fog, then it would be even 80/20 for contacting. If she has come out of fog, then it would be more like 20/80 the other way, chance-wise.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> I don't think you can put a percentage on whether or not she will do this again. What I was implying is that there is a 50/50 chance, she'll either do something like this again or she won't.
> 
> The odds have always been 50/50 and always will be.


I think...

The % we apply to our spouses chances of doing it again are arbitrary. But the % we believe is true, says a lot.

After everything that you guys have been through... With it all on the table, and now facing the chance to reconcile... If you think the chances she does it again are 50/50....

Dude, you cant live like that. No one should live knowing that the chances of enduring this pain again are a coin flip... 

Anything short of "almost certain" it wont happen again (ie; 90%+) and you won't be able to rebuild any sort of trust... Who could? Who deserves that kind of living hell the rest of thier life???

50/50? Really? Wow. Man up, and put this thing down, it's badly injured and it's not going to make it. If you can't improve those numbers/chances in your head... Dragging it out any further is just cruel.

JMHO.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Forsaken-----Whatever you do---you will make a decision, it should be based on what is best for you---you have whatever is left of your life, and you must try NOT to live it in misery

You were put on this planet, to enjoy life, as best you can---if the rest of your trip is to be taken W/OUT your wife, so you can have some peace, and contentment for the rest of your life---then so be it----Your decision MUST be made on what is best for you

If you are always gonna be looking over your shoulder, wondering---everytime she is out, can you trust her to do what she needs to do and come back to the home, can you ever trust her again, on a phone, or computer----how do you live like that, and is it even worth it---what if she wants to go out with her GF's---what do you do about that---If at a party, do you keep her by your side, always watching to see if she flirts, and is overly friendly with other men---do you really want to be a prison guard/parole officer the rest of your life---If you stay with her---that IS your future

No matter what, if you do stay with her, make her sign a POST--NUP Agreement


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So... what are your current conditions for remaining married? Do you have all her passwords? She tells you where she's going? She hands over her phone if asked? You're in counseling? You're spending 15 hours a week together to recreate your relationship?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't agree with taking a poly. I mean, if it gets to that point, I'd rather just just end the marriage than to go to such great lengths to regain trust. You are now going to live several years of double checking, verifying, and snooping just for your own peace of mind.

That is not a relationship. That's not been worth it.

Want to know peace of mind? True serenity? Let it go. End it, if it's that bad. You would not believe just how quiet your head gets when you come to that realization and move on. And you know what? The next woman you meet? It's utterly amazing how you enjoy the time with her, instead of second guessing everything that comes out of her mouth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

She has give me all of her passwords, we've been separated for about 2 months almost so I don't really expect her to tell me where she is going, I take her phone and she doesn't really question it though she does hover over my shoulder sometimes and that's kind of annoying. We're in counseling but up to date she has only started being truthful since September 15 2011, which I first confronted her about all this back in October 19 2010, so I've been dealing with pretty much 11 straight months of trickle truth, rug sweeping. I'm currently trying to understand why the hell I even bother anymore.

The poly was mainly to see some kind of facts on paper that state she is being truthful now since I've been given so many lies for so long. 

And as for the 50/50 conversation, I've decided that only you can determine what the odds are on the choices you make. You can't control anyones actions so I feel it's safe to assume that the odds for everyone else are 50/50. Or maybe I'm just to cynical...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has boundary issues with several men you know. Dont know how deep the problem is with her. Unless she figured out why and learn to control her impulses around men, the warning signs are all there for a troubled future.

Yeah, she says she's sorry. But the source of her problem is deep and will come bubbling up again eventually.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a timeline for how long you'll wait to decide if it's going to work out? 

Do you have a set of conditions for what it would take to get back together? 

It would help both of you if you have this plan and both know what it is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I was reading through all your threads and I know I am digging out graves but this quote from your old thread



> About two weeks after that call, she got a call again from the same friend, and she talked to me about it again saying that our friend said she was drinking with our roommate and our roommate had said that he had sex with my wife 10 minutes after I had left to go drill with the army national guard, and that he loved her and they he was going to marry her one day, and the friend had said to him something along the lines of "well didn't she have sex with Lynn (which is the friend my wife was texting and calling so much) and doesn't she like him?" and he said yea that my wife and Lynn had sex, and that she likes Lynn but he's sure he can win her over (or something along the lines of that).


Have you talked to this friend again? The details are a little too particular/detailed to have been made up entirely. Either this friend is one of the dramatic type that likes to stir up problems and drama in other lives or she is telling the truth.. Is she the reliable type(the friend not the wife) ? Even if your wife did have PA, she wouldn't accept it based on her history of lying. You might want to recheck this again


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