# Married 2 months and already talking divorce...



## itsjustme23

This isn't a short story - my husband and I have known each other for about 5 years. He lived in TN and I lived in FL. His best friend lived up the road from me so that's how we met. When my husband would come to visit his best friend he'd spend time with me if he could. There came a point in time where he would just come to see me for a weekend, etc. and stay with his friend when he had to. We have always gotten along really well and know everything there is to know about each other. We decided that we were more than friends and started talking long term. He ended up moving to FL at the end of January, 2010. He'd not had a job in TN because he got laid off the previous January. I have been with my company for 9 years. I got us a house and I paid the deposit, etc. for us to move in plus paid all the deposits for the utilities, etc. He came to FL with a couch, loveseat, coffee table and a queen size bed. I provided everything else or I bought whatever I could afford after he moved here. He was supposed to look for a job and start working. Instead he chose to look into college which is great of course and I support it. He ended up starting culinary school within a week. I pay for his gas to get back and forth. I said well then I guess you'll have to get a part time job. I know we need the money because I know how much I had and what I needed as just for my daughter and I. He quickly dropped the subject of working. We got married 3/19/2010 (which was planned) and our honeymoon was already paid for which was a 8 day cruise. We've been fighting ever since we got married. I'm having a hard time because I'm struggling to pay our obligations, etc. and have asked him repeatedly to talk to me about what we're going to do because we need another income. He just ignores it and does other things. His class schedule is Mon 5pm - 11 pm, Tues 2pm - 11 pm, Wed off, Thurs 8am-12pm and off Fri, Sat & Sun. My schedule is Mon - Fri 6:15 am - 3:00pm and then I have to take care of my daughter and fit school in (online classes to finish my bachelor's degree) all the rest of the hours before I got to bed. I get up between 4 am and 5 am every day. I get my daughter up, ready for school and ready to head to the bus stop. I wake my husband up at 5:50 or so because he takes my daughter to the bus stop. I head off to work and he comes home to sleep mostly...or drink I believe, or smoke pot which I never have done. I ask him about getting a job and what we're going to do for money (when we're alone of course) and he just tells me to stop *****ing and maybe he wouldn't drink so much if I would just shut the f* up. 

I'm so confused because before we got married he was the most wonderful man. Everyone I know loves him - my family (and most of all my daughter & son) love him. He's charming, intelligent, funny, well-mannered, etc. then once we got married it was like he no longer was that person anymore. I can't keep paying for everything and stressing about money 24/7 - it's killing me and it's too much to have on one person's shoulders. He tells me that NO one is going to tell him what to do and if he's told he'll just do the opposite. He also told me that he has a problem with authority. I said but hon, we're supposed to be 50/50 - partners, equals but I'm doing just about everything. He'll clean every once in awhile but it's barely nothing and only if he wants to do it..Before she started school he said he'd love to cook every night so that when I come home dinner would be made and one less thing to worry about for me. He only does that once in awhile and only if he feels like it. He does NOTHING else....in the time he has he could be grocery shopping or anything else but just does nothing...sleeps most of the time and is only up when I'm in bed. He's NOT LAZY so I just can't figure it out. He's always running around doing things. I just don't know what to do because I said to him over the weekend that I really think we need to look into him getting a job and maybe even taking the summer off so that he can stay home with my daughter (which he already said he'd do until he decided he wanted to take classes during the summer) because I can't afford summer camp this year. He flat out told me there's no way he's staying home and there's absolutely NO WAY he was going to take time off from school so we can get on our feet and take some of the stress off of me. He said, ok fine - I'll get a job but it's not going to be enough to pay what's in TN never mind some here too. I was like, what?? Why would you do that? My guess is that he just plain doesn't want to have to work at all. I actually asked him if I was his meal ticket to moving to Florida with all expenses paid and he said I was crazy...but that's all I feel like - a meal ticket because nothing gets done to help me and I've done everything I can to help him (including paying for his plane tickets and gas, etc to go back and forth to TN to visit his kids). 

Anyway, enough about that...I just don't know what to think because we're talking divorce or fighting just about every single day and I know it's all because of money. I would be better off not having to pay for him and his bills too..what do I do??

Any advice??


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## chuckles

Is his name Kato Kalin by chance? (see old OJ Simpson jokes).


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## itsjustme23

chuckles said:


> Is his name Kato Kalin by chance? (see old OJ Simpson jokes).


lol it probably should be....


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## voyagermoon

Obligation and compromise - twin pillars of destruction in a relationship. You can tie yourself in knots for this man and watch your spirit die - or you can choose life. It's simple really - yet not so simple to enact. Your husband seems immobilised by your gifts. Remember, you owe him nothing more than the gift of love of self. If you are not going to be true to you, then you cannot expect anyone else to be. Focus on your self. Focus on your life. Focus on peace in your own heart. You can't make anyone else do anything they don't want to do. And it sounds to me like he has serious teenage-like parental issues. Are you his mother or his wife? You have to decide. Perhaps you need to live as if you and your children are all that matters. Move into another room. Live the most imaginative and soul-full life you can. Now! Do it for you. Do it for your children. Do it for him! Your life depends on it. Your husband needs boundaries, but you are not his mother. You are his loving partner. Show him the way. Show him how much you value yourself. And decide, now!, to no longer play his game. Otherwise you will sink as low as your dreams have now sunk and you don't need that. Now now. Not ever.

Love and happy days to you,

Stephanie Dale
Author, My Pilgrim's Heart: A woman's journey through marriage and other foreign lands
Voyager Moon


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## Deejo

I know this story. Right down to the 'nobody is going to tell me what to do' attitude.

We had growing financial problems. I consistently asked my spouse to try to find ways to increase her income. The deeper the issues became - the more I asked - the more she withdrew.

Rather than stepping up and doing what needed to be done for the family, she focused on feeling challenged, and in her mind, basically made it my fault for making her feel like crap. Bottom line, she made decisions based upon what she wanted to do (be a SAHM) instead of what she needed to do.

My job was simply to make everything else work.

It's toxic behavior. And as another poster mentioned, no doubt it is a direct reflection of his upbringing, whether he simply is selfishly entitled, or has very poor self-esteem and is paralyzed by doubt. Regardless, the knucklehead isn't pulling his weight - and is expediting the death of his marriage.

Very long story short, we separated.

He isn't going to change - mostly because he just doesn't have to. Write down your expectations of marriage, and of him.

Write down all that you are responsible for, from the perspective of a budget, vs. all that he is responsible for.

I would strongly urge counseling for the two of you. If he refuses, you should go - and start making plans to extricate yourself from this relationship.


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## whynotme

You are not alone because my ex was like that too in some ways. He was a very service-oriented boyfriend, always asking what I wanted or needed, offering to do things for me. Once we got married, it all changed. 6 months into the marriage I was ready to leave, just like you are at 2 months. I can add to what someone else has said, sadly it's not going to change. In my case it was like my ex figured since we were married, he could act any way he wanted and I was stuck with him. In a way that's true of marriage, but he crossed too many lines. Unlike yours mine was a good provider, made more money than I did, but didn't know how to manage money and spent foolishly so we lived paycheck to paycheck. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I struggled for 2 years on whether or not to stay or go. After all, marriage is not dating and everyone who gets married (I believe) wants to make it work...however, this is the rest of your LIFE and he is telling you what he will and will not do, and not contributing to the household...sounds like a kid to me. 

Do yourself a favor and get the marriage annulled, or else reconcile yourself to taking care of him like another child for the next 20+ years...I know I couldn't fathom that kind of life...but again, I know how hard it is to look this in the face when you've just made a commitment, but really, he sounds like a bad apple you just happened to pick. Best wishes to you whatever you decide.


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## itsjustme23

Hello,
After writing this post back in June I took everyone's advice and told my husband I wanted a divorce. It was a mutual agreement but as he the weeks went by before he finally left he began being mean, vulgar, hurtful - basically anything he could to do make me feel horrible about myself. By the time he finally took his things and moved back to Tennessee I couldn't stand the sight of him never mind talking to him. So, here's what's going on now. He left the end of June. We agreed to divorce and agreed on all of the terms. No kids and no assets together made it so much easier. When he was leaving it was sad because of the good things I remembered but honestly, after he'd left my daughter and I breathed a sigh of relief and have been happy ever since. Now that he's been gone for about 4 months I have began to move on with my life and began doing things for my daughter and I ONLY and no one else. The past few weeks he's been texting me telling me that he's been gone for a while and realized what he'd done and wanted to talk to me to tell me what he couldn't tell me before. I told him, fine to call me and tell me so that he could get it off his chest and say what he needed to say but it wasn't going to change anything and we could both move on. He finally called last week and told me he loved us more than anything, missed us, that he realized he was selfish and a jerk, a$$****, treated me bad, etc. and that he was messed up and didn't know how to deal with moving here and being together. He asked me to give him another chance which I didn't agree to. The past few days he keeps texting me saying he wants another chance, he knew he made a mistake but it's a mistake and everyone makes them, that he is sorry and wants to prove how much he loves me, us, the marriage, etc. and he'll be a better husband. He'd gotten 2 jobs and things have been going positive for him. I haven't responded to him because at this point, I don't believe him and I don't really want to get back together because I can't see where things would be better and he is "fixed". How can I take him back if he's #1, living in TN and has jobs, not here in FL where I am and #2, how is he ready to try again in 4 months when he would have to start all over again in FL? He says that if we don't give it a try we'll both be making a mistake and that we'll both lose...I have been so hurt by what he did in the past I haven't been able to get past it and I really believe that if I forgive him, I won't ever forget and that wouldn't allow me to trust him, etc. and how do you have a good marriage if you can't trust, love and respect each other?
Please help with your great advice again! What do I do?? 

side note - I already have all the divorce papers signed by him...I haven't had the chance/money to file yet...it's not that I have had second thoughts about it.


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## bunnicula

Wow... man. Well, if I were you, I wouldn't give him another chance. He's already demonstrated what kind of person he is. No way has he changed significantly enough to win back your trust or that of your children. He sounds very immature and deeply troubled. You wouldn't be doing him, you, or your children any favors by taking him back.

But it's up to you. Keep those divorce papers close! I don't trust this guy, from what you've described, and it sounds like his behavior now is just more bulls**t. He's still manipulating you. He's still trying to tell you what to do and tell you how you're going to feel ("We'll both regret it! Everyone makes mistakes!") Uh, that's for YOU to decide. Honestly.

Don't let him back. Move on.


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## Pandakiss

number one congrats its a boy number two look deep before you leap i now its i feel hes a liar and a man child if he didnt do the work before why start now well hey you know the urban legend of the guy who messed up and he came to his senses and begged you and show up with a four ca ring ah romance and wait dosent true love concer all lady gaga bad romance do we believe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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