# At a loss



## Suchard (Feb 19, 2010)

I am not sure what I want to achieve by posting here. Maybe just to vent, and perhaps have an outsider telling it like it is.

I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do. My husband of almost 10 years keeps telling me I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if he's right. He may be. I know I am very, VERY unhappy. I work as a clerk, a repetitive dead end job that has no room for creativity whatsoever. But, I still have to work since my husband hasn't for three years or so. And he keeps complaining that the money is tight. Today I left work early and was in a good mood (week end, a few hours early off work, the world is bright!). He was sleeping when I arrived home (as is the norm) and was pissed at me because I will have 35$ less on my paycheck this week. Well, FU, I bust my ass at this stupid job I hate every darn day I don't care about the 35$!!!!

Now, his father is very sick, in another country, so my husband may be on edge. But still, I am sick of him telling me I need to cut the expenses. I KNOW! He doesn't allow me to go grocery shopping now because I don't buy enough. So he goes, and buys a ton of ground beef and pasta, and his Diet Pepsi he drinks about 3 litres a day of. And he freaks because I want to buy cucumbers and yogourt. It pisses me off!

We don't have kids. He wants them. I am not sure I do. We were in therapy for a while, and I managed to find the courage to mention I may have been abused as a kid. I am not sure it is the case, but I asked him to promise not to mention it to anyone, and he told his mom! His mom told MY mother! My mother confronted me with this, and I was NOT ready for it. I felt betrayed. But I had an "emotional" affair a few years back, so I feel I don't have the right to feel betrayed...

I am so messed up. I would go to therapy but I cant afford it. I am looking into free treatments but nothing so far. I am not sure I even have the energy to do anything anymore. Sometimes I just want to kill myself (often) but I don't, really. I don't think.

Maybe this should have been written in a blog of some kind, but I don't have a blog. Maybe I should just write in a Word document and keep it to myself, but somehow i needed to reach out to someone. Anyone. I know my story is boring, but I'm stuck in it.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Hi. I am new here so I won't be of much help, but I'll try.

First, you are not alone and at least you are trying to find some help by posting here.

Why hasn't your husband worked in 3 years? That would put a strain on anyone's marriage. And if you're the bread winner, who is he to "allow" you to do anything?

As for the suicidal thoughts, I have been having them too and I am not sure what I will do. If you can't afford therapy, call a suicide hotline. Especially since you don't really want to commit suicide. That will give you someone to talk to and maybe they can refer you to someone else for free. If your employer has an EAP program, check into that. That is what I am doing.

I do wish you the best of luck and hope that everything turns out okay.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Suchard, I suggest that you start participating in the forum at BPDrecovery.com, which is targeted to people suffering from BPD. I've communicated online with nearly a hundred BPDers and have heard consistently that that website is very popular with them. The website recommended by JustAGirl is excellent for the partners and family members of a BPDer but is not targeted to the BPDers themselves. For that reason, the message boards there could be a great resource for your H but, if you suffer from strong BPD traits, likely would be too triggering for you. 

As to good books, the two that seem to be most popular among BPDers are _Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified_ and another book called _Sometimes I Act Crazy._ If you do actually have strong BPD traits, Suchard, your willingness to read about it is a strong sign you can make great progress by seeking therapy. It is rare for a BPDer to have your level of self awareness because the disorder, by its very nature, is invisible to the sufferer and it makes them very fearful of acknowledging a mistake or a flaw. Take care, Suchard.


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