# She Wants Seperate Beds



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Hello All,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for five months in my condo (dating 3.5 years) . The condo is pretty big for just the two of us, it has a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. I have taken one of the extra rooms and made it my office/workout/storage room. She has claimed the other room as hers. Fair is fair.

Now she wants to bring her bed from her parents house over and put it in the extra room, not as a guest bed, but for her use. There are so many reasons why she wants to, that I can't go into them in great detail but:

-We fight a lot and I end up sleeping on the couch downstairs so she said this would let me sleep in my bed and she can sleep in hers. 
- I go to bed at 10 for work and she doesn't. I tell her to go down stairs but she says she is scared of being downstairs alone at night and is more comftorable laying in a bed then sitting on a couch.
- She doesn't like my bed, she says it is uncomftorable to her.

My problem with her bringing her bed over is that our relationship is strained enough. How is it going to help if she has her own bedroom to run and hide in when ever she gets mad. I think it will create even more distants between us. I want to be in a relationship, not have a roommate.

She says I am being stuborn and that it will help us not fight as much as she can just go to her own bed and I can go to mine. Am I being stubborn, should she move her bed in to give the two of us space? I am affraid that instead of it being a once in a while thing, it will become an every day thing since it is there and available to her.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why are you fighting so much? I'd be more worried about that than sleeping arrangements. That's just geography. Doesn't solve a thing.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> it will help us not fight as much as she can just go to her own bed and I can go to mine


That won't stop you two from fighting, it will just make it easier to avoid discussion and confrontation.


> We fight a lot and I end up sleeping on the couch downstairs





> our relationship is strained enough


Why do you fight so much? Is anything ever resolved from these fights? Does anything ever change? Why are YOU sleeping on the couch in your own home? If she's 'scared' to sleep downstairs alone, then maybe she should stop fighting so much.


> I want to be in a relationship, not have a roommate.


That is what you're going to have.

After 3.5yrs, you two still fight frequently. WHY? Are there enough POSITIVES in this relationship to work on it in couples counseling, or are you two just drifting along in a so-so/cr*ppy relationship because it's the path of least resistance?


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

HUGE RED FLAG. The seperate bed thing usually happens after 20 years of marriage and even then it's not good for a relationship. She can argue about her reasons all she wants, but clearly she's seeking seperation from you and that's never a good thing. If you're arguing all the time you probably already know the underlying reasons. 

These days there's a ton of couples living together for financial reasons who are not really in love. It appears most of them are tolerating each other and secretly wishing they were with someone else. Its probably a good idea to honestly evaluate why she wants to live with you.

Peace


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Seperation sleeping arrangements is the death knell of a relationship 

Don't allow this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let her put her separate bed in a separate room in a separate apartment in a separate town.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Just a suggestion but perhaps counseling( for couples and individual), a look at the five languages of love book and quiz, and lovepong.com could be worth a try. The constant fighting isn't a good thing so perhaps you two could try these things to help determine if staying together is a good idea or not? If she is uncomfortable with confrontation right now it would be a good idea to allow her this seperate bed. It sounds like she's developing or has had an anxiety disorder and to force her to do something she is uncomfortable with is never a good thing and will just bring about resentment.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You fight a lot.

Why are you together?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's afraid to go downstairs? Do you have to check her closet for monsters, too?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Work on the root cause of your other issues.

I am one that thinks that sleeping in the same bed is critical for intimacy. Some folks are forced to do this due to medical reasons.

Get a new bed you both like. Do not stop sleeping together unless you are giving up on the relationship.


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

All that matters is she wants to move out.

There are problems here and it sounds from your limited post that she wants out. Whether it's temporary or permanent remains to be seen but this isn't about her "moving a bed" and your lack of comprehension about this is rather troubling.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Separate beds? Sounds like my parents. But they're in their 60's. And I still think it's ridiculous.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Definitely getting another bed will make this worse. Avoiding a problem is far from solving it. To address the three reasons you (rather she) puts forth for getting a separate bed, there could be constructive solutions such as...



Munson said:


> - I go to bed at 10 for work and she doesn't. I tell her to go down stairs but she says she is scared of being downstairs alone at night and is more comftorable laying in a bed then sitting on a couch.


Don't tell her to go downstairs. Use an eye mask instead. Get good headphones for her if she wants to listen to something on the laptop etc. 



Munson said:


> - She doesn't like my bed, she says it is uncomftorable to her.


Get a new bed for the both of you that she and you both would like and that would be comfortable for her and you. Propose to go out for shopping this weekend. Tell her that a 'bed that you cannot share with her' is not comfortable for you as well 



Munson said:


> -We fight a lot and I end up sleeping on the couch downstairs so she said this would let me sleep in my bed and she can sleep in hers.


How many times does this happen? Looks like as a couple you have the attitude of avoiding issues rather than fixing them. That is not healthy. Getting separate beds is not going to fix anything. It will make it worse, you will basically be degrading your relationship to being 'roommates'. Try to fix the issues you have so that you don't need to sleep on the couch lot of times.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It is the beginning of the end. She knows it but is not telling you. That's how many women operate. She's getting her ducks in a row for the big move out. Start preparing now. It IS going to happen. 

She's just not that into you any more. That's the argument for living together. You try each other out. It didn't work out for you guys. Time to move on.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you two always been fighting? and I don't think it's necessarily the beginning of the end... like i said it could be some sort of anxiety issue... Perhaps she needs to see a psychiatrist... especially if she's afraid to go downstairs? Of course it could all be just a farce but don't discount that it could be a very real mental issue as well.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I do not sleep in the same bed. It's due to my neck injury, I need to get up every 1-2 hours and walk around the house before getting back to sleep.

I don't work and I don't want to wake my hubby up, so I mainly sleep on the couch. I go to bed earlier then him and I only get a few hours total sleep a night. We have a fabulous relationship and spend a lot of daytime/nighttime quality hours with each other holding hands, talking, ect. We are very close and the best of friends.

I also hate our bed as well. It's not very comfortable since our sleep number leaks on both sides. It's old and needs to be replaced with another new sleep number bed within the next year or two.

If your relationship is strained now, what's going to happen when your married? It's best to communicate well and work this all out.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My spouse and i were actually debating on getting the sleep number or the temper pedic....


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Gaia said:


> My spouse and i were actually debating on getting the sleep number or the temper pedic....


We loved our sleep number for about 10 years. It's the first model they came out with, so there are many flaws. We are defiantly getting a new one. They've improved in the last 13-15 years.


----------



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Thank you all for the responses, its very interesting to see the different side both hers, mine, and you all's.

Unfortunately I cannot afford a new bed right now. Mine is less than two years old and foam memory so it is really comftorable. She helped me pick it out, I even went with the one she liked more than the one I liked for when we did move in together. Hers is 15 years old and has holes in. Like fist sized holes. Any time I sleep in it I wake up feeling like I fell down a flight of stairs.

The sleep mask might not be a bad idea, I can suggest trying that out.

The fightning is bad but that is more an issue for a therapist. I have told her we should go to one. Now I just need to make the appointment.

With these new points I will go home and try to have an objective conversation about the issue, thanks for the help!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Unfortunately I cannot afford a new bed right now. Mine is less than two years old and foam memory so it is really comftorable. *She helped me pick it out, I even went with the one she liked more than the one I liked for when we did move in together.* Hers is 15 years old and has holes in. Like fist sized holes. Any time I sleep in it I wake up feeling like I fell down a flight of stairs.


Based on what you say here, it's not the bed.

Get thee to a therapist. Pronto.


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Munson said:


> Thank you all for the responses, its very interesting to see the different side both hers, mine, and you all's.
> 
> Unfortunately I cannot afford a new bed right now. Mine is less than two years old and foam memory so it is really comftorable. She helped me pick it out, I even went with the one she liked more than the one I liked for when we did move in together. Hers is 15 years old and has holes in. Like fist sized holes. Any time I sleep in it I wake up feeling like I fell down a flight of stairs.
> 
> ...


I just read your other threads....you are with an abuser who has some serious mental issues....PLEASE take care of yourself and RID YOURSELF OF HER...for your own safety and mental well being....please....


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, Why don't you post a separate thread on what you guys fight about and see if TAM members can help you with that? Fixing the root issue would help you with the bed issue and any other issues coming out of that...


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

notperfectanymore said:


> I just read your other threads....you are with an abuser who has some serious mental issues....PLEASE take care of yourself and RID YOURSELF OF HER...for your own safety and mental well being....please....


Um...yeah. That. :iagree:

Get away from this basket case. The story abut the soft core is just BIZARRE!


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Never read his other threads... makes me wonder now :/


----------



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Based on what you say here, it's not the bed.


Allow me to rephrase, I was stuck between two different ones, I liked one more she liked the other one. I picked the one she liked. It wasn't as if she just picked one out of the blue and said "i like this one" I had already identified it as one I wanted, she just said it was more comfortable than the other one I liked.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Never read his other threads... makes me wonder now :/


I noticed OP has some threads, from late last year. Wondering if things changed on his side... an updated summary thread from OP might help instead of having to go thru all the old threads..


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

:iagree:


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Munson said:


> Allow me to rephrase, I was stuck between two different ones, I liked one more she liked the other one. I picked the one she liked. It wasn't as if she just picked one out of the blue and said "i like this one" I had already identified it as one I wanted, she just said it was more comfortable than the other one I liked.


And? It's still not about the bed. I stand by my comments.

Also, I just caught up with your history. YIKES. She's an unstable, volitile individual. Your fear of leaving her is going to get you hurt or worse. 

Just my .02


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Life is too short to spend miserable and frustrated. You're not even married and she's already setting the stage for a sexless union. Run! Run! Run!...and then run some more. Rather than work on problems like an adult, her solution is to replicate Mommy and Daddy's environment at your place?


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Munson said:


> I of course do not bruise easily so I have no injuries to show from what she does to me. She on the other hand does. From the other night she got marks on her arm. She took pictures of it and is threatening me that she will go to her family and go to the cops. She is convinced I am an abuser, its not just something she is blackmailing me with. She is actually convinced I am this horrible person who physically hurts her. I think I am not, I have never hit her, and I would never, but when she attacks me I fend her off and she ends up with a bruise.
> 
> I know this sounds horrible, and you are all rolling your eyes at me, but I dont know what to do. She has said if I leave her she will go to the cops and tell them I am an abuser. My job also requires background checks, so she said she would tell my BI the same thing. It would ruin my professional life. When she attacks me what am I supposed to do, let her? When she won't let me leave the house, a room, a closet, what am I supposed to do?


Just a sample. It AIN'T about the bed.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

WOW! Thanks MRK for posting that ... I dont think OP needs to post a summary thread any more. 

The root issue here is certainly NOT 'fixing the problem' but RUNNING away from the problem itself. Probably OP knows in his heart that he does need to RUN but is probably worried about how she will react and try to mess up his life thereafter. 

OP, without a doubt you need to go far far away from this GF of yours in case you are still not sure. Think about it.. Most likely you would want to have kids someday. This is a dangerous woman to keep your kids in the vicinity of. Not only is she mentally unstable, but also is a threatening blackmailer. That is quite scary. If I were in your place, I would be the one scared to sleep with her on one bed. Plan out your exit and do what you have to for that.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Set up a spy cam and record the going ons for awhile.. that way you have visual evidence on what SHE does and she can no longer blackmail you. Don't tell her about it though... but if she DOES try to blackmail you .. you always have something you can pull up and use against her to prove your NOT an abusive man.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

And yes ty mrk for posting that!!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I've read your previous threads! WHY are you still with this psycho-woman? 

You were advised in *January* to get an attorney because this woman has physically attacked you!!! And she threatened to blackmail you with *phony abuse charges*! NOW she wants to move her bed in there, too? You'll NEVER get rid of this leech!

She's abusive, insanely jealous, she doesn't work, fights with you constantly and is generally psychotic!

Next time she's gone from the house for more than one hour:

1.) Call a locksmith (promise him double or triple his usual rate to be there within 15-20 minutes), have him CHANGE the locks.

2.) Call the police when she shows up and can't get in. Tell them she is now you EX-GF, her name is NOT on the mortgage/lease, and you want her out PERMANENTLY. 

3.) Get a Restraining Order against her. Law Enforcement will decide on a date/time she can come collect her belongings under supervision. (While you're waiting for that day to arrive, you might want to check through her stuff and find out where she hid your cajones....you've apparently mis-laid them.)

4.) Contact an attorney over the threatened blackmail and protect yourself.

There are plenty of NORMAL women out there for you who do NOT abuse, work to contribute a fair share, know how to be in an adult relationship, and are NOT psychotic. 

What is it going to take for you to WAKE UP? A stint in jail on phony abuse charges? A stay in the hospital with a concussion? Loss of your job because of her false allegations? You've worked HARD to get where you are professionally; and you're going to let this SICK WOMAN screw you out of all that?!?

If this is YOUR idea of LOVE, then YOU need help as badly as she does!


*PS: Have you ever contacted her LAST boyfriend to find out (a) what kind of hell she rained down on him? and (b) how he finally got her out of his life? I'm sure it would be VERY ENLIGHTENING!*


----------



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Again, I appreciate the responses. There are obviously a lot of issues between myself, her and our relationship that need to be handled by/with a professional. I can only come on here so many times and write about my relationship and get the same advice from the over whelming majority of users before the forums starts ignoring me (and rightfully so). Its easy from the outside to see the clearest options, but for some reason neither her or I can.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *PS: Have you ever contacted her LAST boyfriend to find out (a) what kind of hell she rained down on him? and (b) how he finally got her out of his life? I'm sure it would be VERY ENLIGHTENING!*


Interesting enough he just bought a house four houses down from her parents house, the place she lived at when they dated . He is now married so it is not as if he is trying to get back with her, but if he had a similar experience as myself I do not think he would move so close to her. And she has made no mention of similar problems between them, so it leads me to realize that I am part of the problem as well, if not most of it.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> (While you're waiting for that day to arrive, you might want to check through her stuff and find out where she hid your cajones....you've apparently mis-laid them.)


Its funny, cause its true.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Munson said:


> Again, I appreciate the responses. There are obviously a lot of issues between myself, her and our relationship that need to be handled by/with a professional. I can only come on here so many times and write about my relationship and get the same advice from the over whelming majority of users before the forums starts ignoring me (and rightfully so). *Its easy from the outside to see the clearest options, but for some reason neither her or I can*.


Do you ever watch Cops on tv? If you do, then you've seen what your relationship looks like from the outside too. You're living in domestic abuse. You're an educated man, you know this without a doubt. What you aren't ready to do is leave it and acknowledge it for what it is... a toxic relationship that you nor she needs to be in. You aren't good for each other. Pure and simple. Like oil and water don't mix, neither do you and this woman.

Sleeping with the enemy is what you're doing Munson. You know it. But the payoff you get from this is worth more to you than leaving it.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Munson said:


> Thank you all for the responses, its very interesting to see the different side both hers, mine, and you all's.
> 
> Unfortunately I cannot afford a new bed right now. Mine is less than two years old and foam memory so it is really comftorable. She helped me pick it out, I even went with the one she liked more than the one I liked for when we did move in together. Hers is 15 years old and has holes in. Like fist sized holes. Any time I sleep in it I wake up feeling like I fell down a flight of stairs.
> 
> ...


When a woman is truly in love with a man, she would sleep with him if his bed was a pile of rocks.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trying to figure out who sleeps I which bed is like stopping to put a band-aide on a heart attack victim who skinned his knee when he collapsed clutching his chest. It's not your biggest issue. I would go even further, and suggest by putting some distance between the two of you, it might make a breakup easier.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Munson said:


> Again, I appreciate the responses. There are obviously a lot of issues between myself, her and our relationship that need to be handled by/with a professional. I can only come on here so many times and write about my relationship and get the same advice from the over whelming majority of users before the forums starts ignoring me (and rightfully so). Its easy from the outside to see the clearest options, but for some reason neither her or I can.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Don't blame yourself to support her behavior. Maybe you have been a complete jerk with her, but hitting you and blackmailing you is not what someone would do in response... she would have broken up with you assuming you were not good to her. That is what normal people do.

As for the EX-BF, buying a house close to her parent's house doesn't prove anything. And certainly she wouldn't be the one to tell you if she had in fact caused issues for him. What SlowlyGettingWiser mentioned was to contact the EX-BF and get details from him. I think that would be a good idea if you think the TAM members are not being fair in evaluating your GF.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A bed issue is just a bandaid covering up the real issue, which is that you two have bad coping skills that COULD get fixed so she'd never even want to leave your bed. Read His Needs Her Needs by Harley.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> she has made no mention of similar problems between them


What do you expect her to say, "Yeah, I've always been a crazy-psycho b!tch"??? For all YOU know he may have a Restraining Order against her and fear of arrest is the only thing keeping her away from him!

My primary question would be, *WHY haven't you even taken the first step and contacted an attorney yet*? It's not as if she would even find out; the attorney can contact you at work and send any/all mailings to your office. You know she won't find them there....she doesn't even work! So, *why not even the first step yet?* No-one expects you to clean this mess up in a week, but YOU'VE got to be willing to TAKE THE FIRST STEP. That's the way you get out of these messes, one step at a time.

Why have you STILL not taken the first step?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> so it leads me to realize that I am part of the problem as well, if not most of it


A.) YOU'RE not the problem, she is! She's abused you and got you brainwashed after 3.5yrs.

B.) Even if you TRULY believe that YOU'RE the problem (which you are NOT), how do figure living with her is going to FIX the problem?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A woman threatens to blackmail you and try to put you in PRISON and you think YOU are part of the problem?

Please explain.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your mother know she does this?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

turnera said:


> Does your mother know she does this?


He fantasizes he's protecting her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Munson,

I went back and re-read your previous threads. You are living with seriously abusive woman. She is both physically and emotionally abusive.

She has threatened to put you in jail for you defending yourself from her attacks.

I have a nephew whose wife was like your gf. She did end putting him in prison with her lies. It has completely ruined his life. Now that is he out of prison he lost all rights to see his child. 

Eventually the system caught up with her and they now realize that she is the violent one. She has also lost all rights to the child.
A man is more likely to be charged with abuse even if the woman is the aggressor.

But the court does not go back and undo his conviction and his time in prison. Like you, he would not listen to the advice that people gave him to get away from her and not look back… that the only way for him to save himself was to get out of the abusive relationship. 

The same goes for you. You are headed to a huge fall. This woman is poison. You cannot fix her. She’s very broken.


----------

