# Am I being irrational



## RKA64

30+ years ago my wife admitted to an affair with a coworker. She was remorseful and would do anything to save marriage. But she trickled out truth, and became angry when I was taking too long to. Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it. I was young and shattered so I just shut down and went with it. I experienced a major trigger a month ago. Now the negative feelings I felt at the beginning of the affair are back with a vengeance. I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling. Am I overreacting since it was so long ago? Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years? I welcome all constructive feedback


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## jlg07

NO you are not overreacting. Infidelity has very long-term repercussions, such as you triggering 30 years later.
You went with it -- that is called rug sweeping and that NEVER works -- you may be able to push it down for a while, but it never resolved the issues.
WHY did she do it -- WHAT did she do to prove she was remorseful and did she do the work so that it wouldn't happen again? Did she figure out the root cause? Did that satisfy you?
Many religious leaders are AWFUL with advice about infidelity. Many do what you said -- "oh, just get over it -- forgive".
What they don't tell you is that you may forgive but you will never forget it...
It's good that you are going to MC now -- you need to really hash this out in detail to get YOUR mind reconciled to it (OR know that you cannot any longer).

Has she given you any reason to believe that she has cheated since that time? How is your marriage now?


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## jonty30

RKA64 said:


> 30+ years ago my wife admitted to an affair with a coworker. She was remorseful and would do anything to save marriage. But she trickled out truth, and became angry when I was taking too long to. Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it. I was young and shattered so I just shut down and went with it. I experienced a major trigger a month ago. Now the negative feelings I felt at the beginning of the affair are back with a vengeance. I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling. Am I overreacting since it was so long ago? Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years? I welcome all constructive feedback


You are not over reacting, imo. 
Every time she revealed a bit more of what happened, it became a fresh wound.
Get her to write out everything once and for all.


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## *Deidre*

No, not irrational at all. Affairs are really damaging and can leave scars. I think counseling will be helpful because an objective person will be asking questions and that may bring more openness on your wife’s part. And maybe the counselor can share how to cope with triggers that don’t set you back to the beginning. Hope things get better for you.


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## Young at Heart

RKA64 said:


> 30+ years ago my wife admitted to an affair with a coworker.
> 
> She was remorseful and would do anything to save marriage.
> ....Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it. I was young and shattered so I just shut down and went with it.
> 
> I experienced a major trigger a month ago. Now the negative feelings I felt at the beginning of the affair are back with a vengeance. *I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling.* Am I overreacting since it was so long ago? Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years? I welcome all constructive feedback


What you feel now is what you feel. You have to deal with that. 

Congratulations on individual and couples counseling. That is a very positive step. What is your plan with each of the counselors? That is is the goal with the individual to figure out why you were triggered? Is is to figure out how you can forgive your wife of 30 years? Is it to figure out how you need to change yourself so that you can either move on with your marriage or end it? Is it to find out how you can rug sweep for 3 decades and stop that kind of behavior?

What are the couples counseling goals that you and your wife have established? Are they to explore what happened 30 years ago? (not healthy) Are they to figure out what you both jointly want in 10 years, 20 years assuming you both want to continue the marriage?

Your feelings are your feelings. However, even if your wife trickled truthed you, after 3 decades, I am sure this came as a rude surprise to her and anger that you were not honest with her about your feelings for all those years. I think you both have some relationship missteps. 

If you want to divorce her you can, but by being in two types of counseling, it sounds like you don't want to initially do that and that you have some hope for reconciliation. If that is the case, then you really need to forgive her and focus on the future.

Good luck


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## Diana7

I would definitely concentrate on individual counseling while asking your wife questions as and when you need to. 
If she has been faithful for 30 years it's hard to know what good will come of dredging it all up again with her, but talking to the counselor about it may just help you to get it out if your system and move on.
Do you think you have forgiven her? If not that's one aspect to work on.


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## D0nnivain

It depends. What was the trigger? If you have reason to believe she's up to her old cheating ways, it's understandable that you are upset. 

If she has been a faithful wife for 30 years & her only instance of infidelity was 3 decades ago, whatever triggered you recently is on you. It's your problem. It's up to you to fix it. You got lousy advice from your spiritual leader to just get over it all those years ago. It's something that needs to be dealt with & you never did. So of course you have residual pain. But at this point, 30 years later, assuming she has been faithful since, it's on you. The statute of limitations ran out a long time ago.


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## BeyondRepair007

RKA64 said:


> 30+ years ago my wife admitted to an affair with a coworker. She was remorseful and would do anything to save marriage. But she trickled out truth, and became angry when I was taking too long to. Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it. I was young and shattered so I just shut down and went with it. I experienced a major trigger a month ago. Now the negative feelings I felt at the beginning of the affair are back with a vengeance. I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling. Am I overreacting since it was so long ago? Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years? I welcome all constructive feedback


@RKA64 This is hard, but I know exactly where you are at. I went through the same thing 2 years ago, except my marriage ended way back then (35y ago)

Unresolved issues like this are a really hard thing. If you’re like me, this has caused changes in your life, your personality, your self-esteem and confidence for the last 30 years. And now, looking back, there seems to be no way to fix things. Don’t be fooled by that.

The only way through this is straight through this. No shortcuts. Your wife is there to help you so lean on her. IC and CC are excellent steps. Posting here is also helpful, there are lots of really smart, intuitive people here.

You can come through this. Just keep moving, don’t stop.
And most importantly, know when it’s time to put it behind you and be ok.


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## Dictum Veritas

D0nnivain said:


> The statute of limitations ran out a long time ago.


There is no statute of limitation on matters of the heart and whatever let the corpse float again is no fault of the betrayed.

This is what adulterers and their apologists never understand. Their betrayal is a scarlet letter for life.


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## jonty30

D0nnivain said:


> It depends. What was the trigger? If you have reason to believe she's up to her old cheating ways, it's understandable that you are upset.
> 
> If she has been a faithful wife for 30 years & her only instance of infidelity was 3 decades ago, whatever triggered you recently is on you. It's your problem. It's up to you to fix it. You got lousy advice from your spiritual leader to just get over it all those years ago. It's something that needs to be dealt with & you never did. So of course you have residual pain. But at this point, 30 years later, assuming she has been faithful since, it's on you. The statute of limitations ran out a long time ago.


It may have happened 30 years ago, but she kept him in suspense by dropping more information as time went by.
Each time she opened up about what went on, it was a fresh wound.
Some of what is happening is that he's kept in a state of "What else happened?"


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## D0nnivain

Dictum Veritas said:


> There is no statute of limitation on matters of the heart and whatever let the corpse float again is no fault of the betrayed.
> 
> This is what adulterers and their apologists never understand. Their betrayal is a scarlet letter for life.


Somebody who shares your views should have divorced 30 years ago when it happened. To bring it up now all these years later is not her fault. She has been under the impression that things were good & they had put this behind them. 

30 years ago was absolutely her fault. Everything should have been dealt with then, not brushed under the rug & ignored. Now all these years later, it's his problem.

She trickle truthed back then. The OP used the past tense. By now he's had all the facts.


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## ElOtro

What can I say?
May be that you should be aware that most of MC and some posts here seem to share the same kind of bias as your religious leader had so much years ago.


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## Dictum Veritas

D0nnivain said:


> Somebody who shares your views should have divorced 30 years ago when it happened. To bring it up now all these years later is not her fault. She has been under the impression that things were good & they had put this behind them.
> 
> 30 years ago was absolutely her fault. Everything should have been dealt with then, not brushed under the rug & ignored. Now all these years later, it's his problem.
> 
> She trickle truthed back then. The OP used the past tense. By now he's had all the facts.


Adultery plants many putrid seeds in the heart of the betrayed, some of them germinate when you least expect them and not you, nor anyone else can put a statute of limitations on when those thistles bloom.

That's why I can never accept R as a valid path after adultery, because even in the best examples of R the marriage is still littered with buried mines that can be stepped on decades down the line.

The one who planted those seeds and mines is the adulterous and the betrayed has no fault for stepping on an emotional mine, even 50 years down the line.


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## Laurentium

RKA64 said:


> Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it.


Aargh. That was the worst possible advice. But that was then, and this is now. 



> I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling.


I may be biased, but I think this is a relationship issue and needs working on in couple counseling. 
To go to individual counseling seems like a repetition of the (abusive) idea that you need to "get over it". That may cause more harm. What are you going to tell the IC? "_Help me get over this on my own"_? Don't go there. 
Find a couple counsellor who's specifically trained in this kind of work. 



> Am I overreacting since it was so long ago?


Your reaction is what it is. You didn't _decide_ to have this strong reaction. A lot of pain was buried. You are not at fault for feeling how you feel now. 



> Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years?


I'd say it's fair to her to give her the chance to address it. You may end up with a stronger relationship than you've had these 30 years.


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## D0nnivain

I didn't say it was the OP's fault for feeling like this. I just said it was his issue & he has to deal with it. 

If they chose to forgive & forget, & to reconcile, to rebuild their marriage, 3 decades later he has to deal with whatever he's feeling. What he's feeling is real & legitimate but at this junction it's no longer solely her fault.


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## Dictum Veritas

D0nnivain said:


> I didn't say it was the OP's fault for feeling like this. I just said it was his issue & he has to deal with it.
> 
> If they chose to forgive & forget, & to reconcile, to rebuild their marriage, 3 decades later he has to deal with whatever he's feeling. What he's feeling is real & legitimate but at this junction it's no longer solely her fault.


She planted the seeds and landmines. Was it not for her adultery, there would have been no delayed negative emotions about it. The scarlet letter for the adulterous is for life. This new relationship after adultery is a fairy-tale. You can't build a house with someone who stabbed you in the back and blew up the old one. You will always be watching your back even if you are hoping for the best. You build a new house with someone new you feel you can trust.


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## D0nnivain

*Dictum Veritas* -- since you believe the scarlet letter is for life & the new relationship after the adultery is a fairy tale, divorce is your option. You would not have tried to fix things & that is a valid choce But when people agree to reconcile & have remained happily married for 3 decades after the affair, the person who is now feeling upset by ancient history needs to deal with their feelings. If you picked the path of forgiveness you have to forgive & forget. You can't keep bringing it up, reliving it & casting blame all these years later


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## Dictum Veritas

D0nnivain said:


> *Dictum Veritas* -- since you believe the scarlet letter is for life & the new relationship after the adultery is a fairy tale, divorce is your option. You would not have tried to fix things & that is a valid choce But when people agree to reconcile & have remained happily married for 3 decades after the affair, the person who is now feeling upset by ancient history needs to deal with their feelings. If you picked the path of forgiveness you have to forgive & forget. You can't keep bringing it up, reliving it & casting blame all these years later


Why not, is it less of an explosion if you step on an old landmine?


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## Diana7

D0nnivain said:


> I didn't say it was the OP's fault for feeling like this. I just said it was his issue & he has to deal with it.
> 
> If they chose to forgive & forget, & to reconcile, to rebuild their marriage, 3 decades later he has to deal with whatever he's feeling. What he's feeling is real & legitimate but at this junction it's no longer solely her fault.


I agree.


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## BigDaddyNY

RKA64 said:


> 30+ years ago my wife admitted to an affair with a coworker. She was remorseful and would do anything to save marriage. But she trickled out truth, and became angry when I was taking too long to. Talked to my religious leader for counseling and he told me to just get over it. I was young and shattered so I just shut down and went with it. I experienced a major trigger a month ago. Now the negative feelings I felt at the beginning of the affair are back with a vengeance. I have started individual counseling and my wife has agreed to couples counseling. Am I overreacting since it was so long ago? Is it fair to my wife to bring up the affair after 30+ years? I welcome all constructive feedback


I sometimes almost feel guilty trying to compare the infidelity I've experienced vs what many share around here, it usually pales in comparison. At any rate, I went through something vaguely similar more than 30 years ago with my then GF, now wife. You can read the details in my intro post. Those triggers can come up at almost anytime without warning. My wife did everything 100% right to allow us to reconcile and move beyond what happened and I would still have jealous and very emotional "flashbacks". Sadly, you never got anything close to real closure thanks to a counselor that had you rug sweep it. It seems to be common for religious leaders that really don't have couples counseling skills to give that kind of advise. Also, your wife was completely wrong to get angry at how long it was taking you to get over her wrong doing. That is in the past though.

So, take it from me, you are not overreacting and your wife should be understanding and should desire to help you with this new flood of emotions. Her actions are the source of those feelings and always will be. At the same time, don't let it blow up you long lived marriage. This is assuming that all has been good since the affair and you've had no reason to suspect a repeat offense. What was the trigger that occurred a month ago? I also think couples counseling is what you need. There is nothing wrong with you. This needs a team effort to address.


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## D0nnivain

Dictum Veritas said:


> Why not, is it less of an explosion if you step on an old landmine?


The explosion may be the same but if you were told years ago where the landmine was & you refused to defuse it, then stepped on it later it's not solely the fault of the person who initially buried it.


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## ElOtro

About that since he choosed to stay it´s no more solely her fault, it´s right to a certain point.
Someones may see it as the right thing by then so he should stay consistent with it now.
Someones may look at it as he shared and shares the fault since he became her accomplice by staying.

Also true that is him whom should deal with it.
But _not necessarily with his "feelings" as an "inner" problem to be fixed_.
If he thinks he did right when_ he dealt with it _by then, he is adressing now the cost of a right choice. It happens.
If he is doubting about if such cost was / is worth what he got for it, yes, _he haves to deal with it now_.
_To deal with it may mean to do now what he did not then and have different results. _
In either case, it´s no more related to "guilt".
It´s still about her choice then and his choices then but also now _cos the same facts_.


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