# Does anybody leave good marriage because need for sexual intimacy not met?



## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

I posted a long message, but in this one I will focus only on one question. 

I have a wonderful, loving and caring husband, but my needs for sex and intimate life are no longer met. I am 37 and my husband is 49. Sex to him is no longer as important as it is to me. 
I think his drive is declining while mine is just starting to emerge. He even admitted that he likes his job and hobbies, is more settled and his sexual drive is no longer high. 

I will make this clear. This is not only because his drive. I feel that I dont have much sexual interest towards him. Last time we had intimacy I felt very tense and I felt very uncomfortable, almost as I had to subject myself to a rape. He didnt do anything wrong, I just dont feel sexually attracted to him anymore. He is a wonderful person. The difference is that he does not seem to be into sex any more, while I dont feel sexually attracted to him. I think our sexual attraction towards each other is beyond repair. The question is: can a marriage survive without good sex life?

I have a friend who tells me "At the end of the day all that matters is the trust". However, she is 55 and she admitted that her and her husband are not having sex too often anymore. I understand she is wiser than me, but I wonder if me and her are just at the different stages of life. I am 37 and I dont think I am ready to give up on sexual life yet. 

I feel very confused because I hear many people saying "Sex is not everything". 

How many people actually leave good marriage only because they are not satisfied with their intimate life? We both agree that we dont have high degree of sexual attraction towards each other. Is it wise to stay in such marriage because we care about each other?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why doesn't your husband get on testosterone? Get his drive up to where yours is. That's what my 47 year old husband did. He's like an 18 year old now.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wouldn't call that a good marriage. A good marriage is where both husband and wife are still attracted to one another. 

I can't imagine not being attracted to my husband and it would kill me inside if he wasn't attracted to me. I wouldn't stay if he wasn't.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

fragile37 said:


> I feel very confused because I hear people saying "Sex is not everything".


Well I'm here to tell you sex IS everything.

At least to me it is.


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## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Well I'm hear to tell you sex IS everything.


I think to me it is as well. Then why are there so many people who say that it is not?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

fragile37 said:


> I think to me it is as well. Then why are there so many people who say that it is not?


There are lots of reasons people don't like sex. Religious repression, wrong partner/lack of chemistry, medications, stress, hormonal problems, marital problems and some were just born low drive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The lack of intimacy was a big factor in why I left my marriage, but not the only factor. In fact, I think an even bigger issue was my STBXW's refusal to even try to work on the issues that we had, which included the lack of intimacy. So I guess it was all kind of related, in a convoluted way.

To those that say sex isn't everything, I'd respond: "Sex is like oxygen. It's no big deal until you're not getting enough." 

C


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

fragile37-

I couldn't resist your thread.

I am going through the same thing. My wife is the LD one with absolutely zero drive. We are now in the pre divorce stage. Whatever that means. My wife isn't just LD...She would rather clean the toilet than have sex. 

I can't live this way to a women who just sees me as a friend and a financial provider. She is even fine if I have a mistress. So I have a date in a couple of days. My wife says it isn't cheating because she knows I have a date. She said as long as I am home before our daughter wakes up in the morning.

More than likely, we will divorce and still live under the same roof until she can better herself financially.


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## UndecidedinATX (Jul 29, 2013)

What does LD mean?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

fragile37 said:


> I posted a long message, but in this one I will focus only on one question.
> 
> I have a wonderful, loving and caring husband, but my needs for sex and intimate life are no longer met. I am 37 and my husband is 49. Sex to him is no longer as important as it is to me.
> I think his drive is declining while mine is just starting to emerge. He even admitted that he likes his job and hobbies, is more settled and his sexual drive is no longer high.
> ...


Why are you not attracted to him? I thought this was about him being LD but I would be LD to if my wife felt like she was being raped when I wanted to engage physically with her.. Just saying, sounds like you would rather have permission from us to end your marriage then to admit your own issues. It is most likely a combination of the two of you that is the problem but lets see what you say about not being attracted first and go from there..


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

UndecidedinATX said:


> What does LD mean?


Low Drive (Low sex drive)


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## UndecidedinATX (Jul 29, 2013)

Thanks. 

Fragile37, I'm in the same boat as you. For the most part I get along with my husband, we are financially sound, share some common interests, but I have zero desire to be intimate with him, when he reaches out to touch me, I flinch. You'll have to read more of my backstory as to why, but this is my question too. I would say we have a 'good' marriage as much as we had a 'comfortable roommate' situation. Too me, that is just not enough. 

Will the desire come back if you think loving thoughts, and act in loving ways? A lot of books and counselors will tell you it does, I'm just not so sure I believe it.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah I would be LD too (lol, I thought it meant "Limp ****" until nogutsnoglory explained it above!) if my wife/lover clearly showed no interest in me sexually. And if that disinterest/disgust happened while in the act? Wow, you'd make me LD around you for a long time after just one episode of that. My confidence would be severely damaged and I would likely be in no hurry to try again for a while. Remember that for women, it isn't exactly difficult to perform in bed. Even a "bad lay" for a guy still usually means he enjoyed himself, even if it didnt' blow his mind. But for a guy, a bad experience means no one enjoys themselves and he ends up with long term performance and self esteem issues, especially when you consider how much of a guy's self perception centers on his penis and how well it functions.

If my wife also had an affair around the same time period? Showing that she was so displeased and disgusted by me that she had to go shopping for a new ****? Tack on another 6+ months to any performance problem in the sack.

I'm not blaming you for everything here, but you really have to realize that neither you or your husband have a chance in hell of enjoying good sex ever again if you cant' change your attitude/approach in an enormous way.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah I would be LD too (lol, I thought it meant "Limp ****" until nogutsnoglory explained it above!) if my wife/lover clearly showed no interest in me sexually. And if that disinterest/disgust happened while in the act? Wow, you'd make me LD around you for a long time after just one episode of that. My confidence would be severely damaged and I would likely be in no hurry to try again for a while. Remember that for women, it isn't exactly difficult to perform in bed. Even a "bad lay" for a guy still usually means he enjoyed himself, even if it didnt' blow his mind. But for a guy, a bad experience means no one enjoys themselves and he ends up with long term performance and self esteem issues, especially when you consider how much of a guy's self perception centers on his penis and how well it functions.

If my wife also had an affair around the same time period? Showing that she was so displeased and disgusted by me that she had to go shopping for a new ****? Tack on another 6+ months to any performance problem in the sack.

I'm not blaming you for everything here, but you really have to realize that neither you or your husband have a chance in hell of enjoying good sex ever again if you cant' change your attitude/approach in an enormous way.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Good sex and sexual intimacy is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage. However I have read your different threads and sometimes get confused with what you want out of this marriage in the end. Here is what I have gathered:


Your husband has been losing interest in you sexually over time
Your husband never was very sexual (contradictory to last point)
You met a man with whom you had great sex
You love this man
You hate this man
You love your husband and want to have good sex with him and you want him to want you more
You are not attracted to your husband sexually (contradictory to last point)
You want to leave
You want to stay and make it work

Please clarify which of the above list is true


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My wife left an otherwise good marriage due to my LD.

So to answer op YES


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think you are repressing your desire almost in retaliation. I think a good discussion is needed and some reasonable intimacy is merited. I think if he has a problem with at least once a week that's strange.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Other situations your advise is true. In my case I have ld and in addition didn't really find my wife attractive after she lost weight. Perfect storm for her to cheat on me and end it all...


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