# When to talk about it?



## someoneoutthere (Jan 31, 2011)

Here is my story so far:

I met my husband when I was 16. I was already working and more or less living on my own, and we ended up getting married when I was 17 (he was 20). I am now 25 years old.

Things were alright for a few years, we did our own thing.. however, lately the resentments have been piling on. His career is going very well, but I've had to end my careers or "compromise" because it would relocate us and he would not be able to find a job with equal pay, and doesn't want to "restart" his life somewhere else (even though I did when he moved us to the opposite side of the country).

Not only that, but there is no attraction. There is no sexual chemistry between us... the thought of having sex with him bothers me. The thought of him touching me bothers me. I don't kiss him, I don't enjoy it. I brought this up to people around me and they all said it's "normal". It got to the point where I started thinking there was something wrong with -me-.

Over the years as I worked at my jobs, I had the opportunity to meet and connect with other men. One guy in particular was interested in me, and one day at a group outing at work he kissed me -- I stopped it, of course. I was attracted to him in many ways, but I'm a rational and reasonable person and I always believe "a promise is a promise", marriage is the same way. I avoided my coworker, and he apologised and things cooled off quickly after.

However... this also adds to my resentment towards my husband. I've never had any opportunity to be with anyone else (my husband was my "first") 

He's stopped asking for sex so often, but he still brings up the point of wanting to have kids.

There is nothing wrong in our marriage... that is the worst part. He is, by definition, the perfect husband. I'm sure if I was older, and had more experience it'd be great.

I'm just really confused, and I don't know how to approach the subject.

I've thought about this long an hard, and I really, really just want to leave and have the opportunity to make something of myself instead of being stuck at home denying myself the time to dedicate to myself, and have a career, and for once experience some good sexual chemistry without having to deny myself or feel like I'm "broken".

How do you bring something like this up?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think if this is how you truly feel you will need to just bite the bullet and tell him. The only thing I know, is to sit him down and tell him how you feel point blank. I wouldn't be ugly about it but I wouldn't be so nice and sweet that if he chokes up you will fall apart either. Nice but firm is the best way I suppose. 

It does sound like you have been checked out of the marriage for some time. You can't help how you feel, you have no kids right now, so if this is what you want you need to go ahead and do this. Normally I'm all for staying and fighting for a marriage if its worth salvaging, but you clearly stated you were ready to move on.


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

It sounds like your issues stem from the feeling like you can be yourself: you can't have the career you want, you can't be with a person you're attracted to, etc. In this case, I'd agree that there really is no way to avoid telling your husband how you feel, but ONLY if you are sure that this is not a feeling that will go away. Does he show any innocent affection to you at all, or is it all just about sex with him?


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## 40something (Feb 7, 2011)

If you really feel no attraction or sexual chemistry with him, do both of you a favor and end it now before you have kids. My wife informed me after 16 years of marriage, 3 kids, 2 houses and 2 dogs that she "didn't think she ever felt attracted to me." That was 9 years ago, and I've stayed in an emotionally empty marriage out of concern for the kids and worry about finances. I've been going to counseling by myself for 7 years, as she refused to go ("What is a counselor going to tell me?") Now that the two older ones are in college and the youngest is midway through high school, I'm strongly leaning toward finally ending it. Like you, though, I'm struggling with actually having "the" conversation and actually moving out. I still feel guilty about how it will affect the kids and I worry about money.

You're young enough that, painful as it will be, you can split without worrying about hurting kids or longterm financial damage. If you've completely lost the feeling, this is the time to get out.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

40something said:


> You're young enough that, painful as it will be, you can split without worrying about hurting kids or longterm financial damage. If you've completely lost the feeling, this is the time to get out.


+1


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