# help its 6 months on still desperate



## verysademily (Jan 4, 2009)

hi. really appreciate advice from anyone whose out there. I'm married with kids. found out my husband had an affair for a few months, plus one night stands both locally and afar. lots of horrid details that i dont want to go into but basically he says he had fallen out of love with me because our relationship was so awful (it was really, though worse for him than i realised) and was using the affair as an excuse to leave. we have talked loads worked out our issues and are in love, stronger than ever and getting on great. he couldnt be more sorry (though he still thinks it was my fault for not loving him enough). So why can't i get over it? I dont really blame him but i feel so so hurt and sad all the time. it's a surprise when i realise i havent thought about it for a few mins, i cant bear the thought of them together, i cry loads though not really in front of him now, I feel like im obsessed but cant find a way out. on antidepressents but still comfort myself by planning a suicide exit if things dont improve. still check his emails and phone everyday (openly), still doubt him, still become absolutely convinced he's with her when he's not (I know cos i check). What the hell do I do? Does any of you actually *know* someone who has got through all this and has a good relationship 5 years on?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im afraid my first marriage was very similar in content to yours.

but im afraid i had to let the marriage go.
i went through all your emotions and bids, because you hurt so much and dont know how to move on because everything is so difficult.

suicide isnt the answer. you have a life to lead that can be full and complete again and you can find someone who wil appreciate you for being you.
your not appreciated to b treated like you are. 
there is light at the end of the tunnel. 
i think you should move on. 
when i moved on myself - it took a few good years b 4 i felt good about myself.
when your out of something that is so bad, you suddenly realise how much of your good energy is taken up by negativity and badness. then your good energy regenerates and you can find yourself and one day you look back and think thank god i left, thank god i didnt let my life go.
there is a huge world out there and you want to end it for a man that doesnt give a **** about you.
when there is someone out there , that would give a **** for you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Emily,

I would rather speak to your husband. The excuse that he uses that you did not love him enough is the reason you can not heal. There is nothing that can move your healing along other then him accepting complete, full and without reservation responsibility for what happened. You may have had the worst marriage in the world, that i am sure you are both responsible for. That does not mean that your husband is in any way justified in cheating. Leaving, yes. separating, yes. Possibly divorce. Cheating absolutely not. I am sure that one day doctors will be able to find and undeniable physical alteration in the body chemistry of victims who have suffered through infidelity. Every time your husband infers that you were in someway responsible for his affair sets you back to the day of discovery. You are doomed to repeat it until he stops. That's why you have suicidal thoughts. Because you wake up to discovery day, when ever that is brought up. You need to be in I/C. As I said, i wish i could speak to your husband. Is there any chance of getting him to join the forum?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

My wife and I are a testament that yes a couple can go from where you are describing to something VERY good. It took a long time to get to a better spot. Counseling, openness (complete open and honest) and really understanding ourselves and each other. The journey to get better is actually what made us stronger.
Divorce isn’t an answer – it is just a different set of problems where you have less opportunity to influence a good outcome.
Thoughts of suicide are a clear sign that you need to have someone healthy to talk to that is trained to help you through the current trial you are dealing with.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i am 100% surprised at the mention of the word "suicide" on post recently. maybe the season brings out the worst in these situations. but let me say this: you WILL NOT be welcomed to the glorious afterlife if you commit suicide. you will live eternity on the bowels of hell. besides, do you know how selfish suicide is??? death isn't going to hurt YOU...no, but it'll leave your loved ones in pain forever. you want your kids or their grandparents or your friends or neighbors left with that pain? selfish, selfish, selfish.

please at least speak with your family doctor. tell him or her that these thought have crossed your mind. there's lots of love in this world.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First off your thoughts of suicide must be dealt with. It is unacceptable to take that path. You have been given great gifts in your life itself as well as the charge to raise your kids. Getting past the affair will be difficult and six months is probably not enough. Continue to check on his actions until you are comfortable with his fidelity. You should bare no blame in this. It is not your fault because “you didn’t love him enough.” That’s a load of crap and he needs to take responsibility in his actions. By laying the blame on you he does not take personal accountability for his actions. You didn’t force him to sleep with someone else, he chose to.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I think that everything in life and love happends for a reason and maybe you are finding out your reason of why this happend. But killing yourself isnt the answer. I think that everyone has those thoughts when life really kicks them to the curb and you think the world is against you and the only person you trusted was the one that hurt you the most. But take another look! there is no reason for you to do that Go talk to someone maybe get on a anti depressent for awhile get your life in order BUT DONT KILL YOURSELF. We are all here in simular situations and talking to you! trust me there is always something worst out there. Dont wast your life.


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## helpless01 (Jan 5, 2009)

I have been and still are where you are although it was only an emotional thing so he says and it happened over a year ago,,,I still sneakily check his phone,will stand quietly in the next room to listen to his calls,go through his truck when he is out its a bad habit to break and even though he swears there is noone else I cant seem to believe him


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