# Confused and would appreciate any help



## graphiclimbo (Apr 1, 2016)

Hi all,

First of all - I am grateful that I can seek out constructive advice in forums like this one. 

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids (5 and 1). 

For the previous couple of weeks I felt a growing distance from my wife. At first I just assumed we were both quite tired from the usual day to day routines, but it reached the point where she was not even showing any affection at all and not to mention, not wanting any intimacy or sex at all.

The sex part wasn’t too much of a surprise as we have talked about this on several occasions over the years. She explained to me before that she was never was a sexual person and that she doesn’t need it as much as I would. (We are both in our early 30s).

Perplexed by this, I recall asking her about her previous relationships - where some were just casual and where never taken seriously. I thought, well, if sex was never a main factor, then what was the nature of these relationships ? This is still somewhat of a mystery and I still don’t have a crystal clear answer from her.

I had assumed that she’s just one of those people that just needed to be motivated in the sex department, so for all this time I was the instigator. I was fine with it, and didn’t have a problem with this. We also talked about me helping her get more aroused etc...

About 2 weeks ago, she got a new job. I was really happy for her as she stayed home to take care of the kids before they were able to go to daycare, and had taken a step back career wise.

The cold front grew rapidly. We weren’t a couple anymore but rather coworkers taking care of kids. Not a way to live in my books or anyone’s books for that matter!

I had finally confronted her about it on Tuesday.

She said she was feeling the confines of marriage and that she wasn’t able to be herself. She suggested an open relationship.

The confusion begins. 

Imagine being married for 7 years and knowing (from confirmation) that sex for your partner is not a priority, only to be told that an open relationship is something they would want.

I had asked her about that and she said hat she had no one in mind and that this is something that could happen. She suggested we both try it, rules would be established, no hurt feelings, etc.. but I’m just not wired that way.

Thinking about it on my own time, I Had come to the potential conclusion that perhapsthis was a way for her to explore her sexuality more and that it could have beneficial effects for our own intimate connection in the long run. 

But the dangers of this could be dire to our relationship. We are both young and attractive and evens high she would say “it’s just sex”, no one can control emotional attachment.

She said she wouldn’t go through with this if she were to lose me over it. Seeing that I wasn’t 100% into the idea, she then suggested another option: having separate bedrooms. 

A quite sudden departure form option 1, but I welcomed it, as I’ve seen monogomous, healthy relationships with such arrangements.

Looking back:

Curious about this sudden change in behaviour, I had to seek answers that I was not getting. Something felt off.

I looked at her call/SMS history.

One of the numbers belonged to one of her ex boyfriends. Although I don’t personally know this guy, I can tell you they were in a casual relationship. When they were seeing each other, he actually had a gf.

So I played dumb. Didn’t want to trigger her self defenses or have her turtle up, and I indirectly gave her the opportunity to come clean and perhaps mention this guy. She lied:

I had asked her during another talk about open relationships whether she would sleep with an old friend or ex-boyfriend. She said no. 

Then I asked about this guy and wether she is still in contact with him, and she said no.

The night ended with us having sex, it was great to reconnect BUT I am very uneasy and the future seems uncertain.

What should I do at this point? 

HELP!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Run phone recovery software on her cell. Voice activated recorder velcroed under the seat of her car too. You should have your answer fairly quickly, but it has all the marks of an affair.


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## graphiclimbo (Apr 1, 2016)

thanks @Bananapeel - This software option seems quite complicated to do...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wake up — she’s already cheating.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

She's definitely cheating, the "open marriage" was her trying to legitimize her lover so she can stop the lying and sneaking around.

So now you're the cuckold who moved out of your marital bed and her boyfriend gets her sexual attention. I can't think of a good reason why you would remain in this marriage, even without confirming the affair. That would just be the icing on cake.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Red flags galore.

I don't think anyone up and suggests open marriage without someone in mind.

Could be she hasn't crossed the line yet, but the fact that she lied about it indicates otherwise.

The open marriage could be a suggestion to justify infidelity.

What kind of phone does she have and does she back it up?

What does she mean by not able to be herself? Get other guys attention by using her body?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Your wife is making herself a moving target to keep you both confused on the hook.

She is lying to you. Her statements don't add up and they don't jive with her actions. 

If I had to bet, I would say she either met someone at the new job or she is in contact with the ex BF - probably the latter. She can contact him at work and you have no way to trace it.

Not good signs, sorry As to what you should do: well, she lied. You could confront her on that, but she will simply go more underground with whatever she is doing. She is distancing herself from you emotionally and physically - don't take the sex from the other night to mean anything. 

Tough situation. Sorry I don't have more for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“Hey, our marriage is crap... so let’s open it up!”

:lol: :rofl:


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, when you first met your wife, if she would have told you she was willing to date, but only if she could see other men, would you have considered having a serious relationship with her?

I suspect that's rhetorical...so what has changed now?

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the Intolerable.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

By the way, I wouldn't do any sort of false confronting at this point. Play it cool and try to do some recon to find more information.

If she figures out you're suspicious, she'll do more to hide it. If something is going on, you'll find evidence eventually.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Honestly without the affair I would run from this marriage.

1. She ignores you sexually claiming she can take or leave sex, then requests an open relationship?
2. Moves you out of the bedroom
3. Removes all affection from you

Even without evidence of an affair there's no reason for you to remain in this marriage under these terms.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

She's doing what most cheaters do; checking out of the marriage - and what some do; trying to get your permission to cheat at the same time. It's bad enough that she wants to cheat, but the worst thing about her request is she's basically telling you she doesn't care if *you* cheat. You having sex with another woman means nothing to her, as do her wedding vows. Infidelity aside, I couldn't accept staying married to a wife like that and you shouldn't either.

But with all the other things you've described, you have to assume she's already started. So you might as well go ahead and catch her before you do anything else. If you'll stop confronting her and follow the surveillance advice here, I'm fairly confident it won't take long.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP. You need to wake up and become an adult in matters of relationships. You are either very naive or too passive and weak. Whichever way, you need to really manup, and become strong (think alpha). 

If your wife is even telling you up front about the open relationship is because, she already lost respect for you as a man, and thinks that you're weak, and is trying to set you up for her desire to **** other guys, without having to hide it.

Most likely she is already banging some dude (s) or have someone in mind. That's almost always the case. BE STRONG my friend, this could be the start of the slippery slope, where your marriage is heading.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Phone recovery software is really easy. You just plug her phone into your computer and run the software. Dr Fone is one of the common ones but there are lots of different choices.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I hate to say it but your marriage is dead man. You're having sex with a corpse at this point. Best thing you can do is get in the driver seat going forward. Sounds like you've gotten pretty comfortable in the passenger seat. Sorry brother.


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## Just another (Feb 21, 2018)

Didnt you have a similar story 2 years ago?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One thing that struck me is that your wife has used the law of lowered expectations beautifully.

She first suggested an open marriage, then raised the bar to separate bedrooms.

Compared to an open marriage that doesn't seem so bad.....but had she suggested that first you may have felt differently.

Think about how you're being played here.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

As others have said, it might be too late to save what marriage you have left.

That being said, KEEP QUIET about what you know and how you know it.

There is a "standard evidence" post around here that will benefit you greatly.

Even if you want to keep your wife (or not), follow the advice in the thread and from what other more seasoned people will suggest.

It never hurts to have more information and there might be lots of stuff to catch at this point.

Hope it works out the way you want it to.

Good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just another said:


> Didnt you have a similar story 2 years ago?


Oh damn.

Might be time for a paternity kit or two.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I would move straight to divorce if this is similar to what happened two years ago. It's one thing to have a partner who is asexual. It's quite another to have a partner who _pretends_ to be asexual but is really hot for other men while she lives off of you as a parasite. And now you know for a fact that she's a liar.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your wife is cheating. Voice Activated Recorder hidden in her car along with Webwatcher Mobile App for her smart phone should give you your answers quick smart. In the meantime start preparing to seperate finances and take her off any joint credit cards. Harden up my friend. You are most likely in for a tough period but nevertheless a period where you need to enforce swift consequences and show strong strength in regards to her actions.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...s-her-space-adive-appreciated.html?highlight=

After reading the other thread, I think your wife is serial cheat. Same exact pattern. She got away with it before, so why not do it again.

She gets an itch for a new play toy, gets a job to meet candidates, demands space and privacy while you play the pick me dance and walk on egg shells to not upset her while she romps around town with the local artist of the month.

You're being played.

Retain attorney, prepare paperwork, document her escapades if you have time (or not), file, move on with life.

This is who she is. Believe what her actions are telling you. She won't change. She is addicted to the chase, ego kibbles, and the power she feels by cucking you.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Doesn't sound good. You are attached to the idea of the marriage and she is not. The I don't like sex but I am interested in an outside sexual relationship is a sign of major dysfunction and manipulation. I'll keep you as a partner to raise our kids. My advice: if you can swing it and it won't be too disruptive to your kids or finances, talk to a lawyer and a real estate broker. The alternative is to sacrifice the rest of your life.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

WOW!!! 

It's a recurring theme with her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

graphiclimbo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> First of all - I am grateful that I can seek out constructive advice in forums like this one.
> 
> ...


Voice activated recorder in her car. Deleted text recovery on her phone.

You'll find out soon enough.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is your second time around. She's a serial cheater and you're a doormat.

A talker not a doer.


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