# Rethinking my Entire Values System (sorry, long)



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I'm 50 years old, STBXW is 54. Married 17 years, 2 teens at home. 

I've lived my entire life responsibly. I studied in school, went to college and grad school. I've had "good" jobs my entire life. I've got a well paying job now that I HATE every day for 60+ hours per week. But, at any other job, even in my same company, I'll looking at a 50% pay cut, at least. For a job I wouldn't hate, probably 75%.

My STBX wanted to be at home when the kids got home from school. So, she worked out of the house as a mortgage processor (contractor) for 10 years. Never made much money at it, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Three years ago, in the mortgage crisis, her job fell apart, and she had no work. We didn't need the money, so I encouraged her to volunteer.

I have an OK house in an OK neighborhood...not as expensive as most if my peers. My STBX and I each have 10 year old cars, because, why have a car payment if I can avoid it? While others have looked at foreclosure, I didn't, because I waited and put 20% down on my house.

I haven't taken extravagant vacations, because I'd rather save the money. The last big pure family vacation we took was 10 years ago. Other than that, it's been mostly youth sports tournaments that the kids wanted to do and camping/motel driving trips.

I've got a pretty good nest-egg built-up for the kids for college, and to be well on the way to a comfortable retirement.

All that said.......

5 months ago, she walked out....didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, but whatever it is, I won't be a part of it. 

Now, I'm looking at half that savings/retirement going away, and giving her monthly maintenance, since she's accustomed to a standard of living. My kids are a mess...especially the 16 year old, who, on the bright side (sarcasm), probably won't ever need college money (lawyers fees are a more likely need in the long run). The 14 year old is a high achiever, but emotionally disconnected from everyone. She holds it all inside, even in therapy.

So, I'm left with a job I hate, coming home to an empty house, except for two kids, one of whom hates me, and the other who is detached. I've got nothing to show for my life. Not even great memories, which have been tarnished in my mind.

So, why play by the rules? Why not drive a fancy car and take resort vacations and buy steak instead of hamburger, and save nothing? Why keep living for tomorrow? To quote Groundhog Day, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today. As I type that, tears are rolling down my face. I've always lived for tomorrow...mine or my kids'. And, it looks like none of those tomorrows will be there.

I have a cousin who perpetually spends above his means. They always need to "borrow" from his parents, who can afford it. I've always thought poorly about him for it. But, now, I'm thinking that he's been right, and I've been wrong.

What the heck does it mean? And why be the ant? The grasshoppers seem to have all the fun, and the ants just get squished.

BTW, I just re-read this post and I know it probably sounds like a spoiled rich guy. I'm not rich, by any measurement, but I'm not living pay-check to pay-check. I know that most people are facing huge financial stresses and are probably rolling their eyes at my issues. I have a job and I have a house, and I know that there are a lot of people struggling for both of those. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm just having an existential crisis about the meaning of my life, and trying to figure out what it all means.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think the key to everything is balance. Not saving every penny and enjoying life is a good thing in my opinion. We don't live paycheck to paycheck either, but I do prefer to do things as a family and have some fun. Would I trade financial security for more trips/experiences? Certainly not. But I would give some up to have some awesome memories and see the world piece by piece as finances would allow. 

There isn't anything wrong with saving. But I think the part where it got wrong was when your STBX decided she wasn't happy. Did she use communication to tell you she wasn't happy with "living for tomorrow" all the time or did she just go??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take a vacation with the kids somewhere awesome.

Make some memories.

Everything in moderation...but...spend some of your hard earned money.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

DawnD said:


> There isn't anything wrong with saving. But I think the part where it got wrong was when your STBX decided she wasn't happy. Did she use communication to tell you she wasn't happy with "living for tomorrow" all the time or did she just go??


We never had any arguments over money. I think we were on the same page. In fact, she's kind of moved toward a monk's life. She now spends her time reading spiritual books (mostly new age, Buddhist, etc.). She won't watch TV or go to movies, because she believes that athletes, actors, etc. don't give back enough to society. She used to. She liked Idol and 24, and all the pop-culture icons.

I'm not particularly into material things, but she has gone even more extreme in that direction.

I also don't want to leave the impression that we never spent money on anything....but we tended toward the practical, rather than the luxurious. I don't go hungry, but I do eat store brands rather than brand names, all else equal, for example.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Take a vacation with the kids somewhere awesome.
> 
> Make some memories.
> 
> Everything in moderation...but...spend some of your hard earned money.


I'm planning to...We live out West, and our kids have never seen NYC. I want to take them there when school gets out this summer. My 14 year old is taking a school trip to DC over spring break.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

papa5280 said:


> We never had any arguments over money. I think we were on the same page. In fact, she's kind of moved toward a monk's life. She now spends her time reading spiritual books (mostly new age, Buddhist, etc.). She won't watch TV or go to movies, because she believes that athletes, actors, etc. don't give back enough to society. She used to. She liked Idol and 24, and all the pop-culture icons.
> 
> I'm not particularly into material things, but she has gone even more extreme in that direction.
> 
> I also don't want to leave the impression that we never spent money on anything....but we tended toward the practical, rather than the luxurious. I don't go hungry, but I do eat store brands rather than brand names, all else equal, for example.


That one purely confuses me. Is it just like a mid life crisis for her rather than having anything to do with money? Maybe she felt that you have so much while people have none? If that is the case, I would find it sad that she would just leave instead of communicating the issue.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

DawnD said:


> That one purely confuses me. Is it just like a mid life crisis for her rather than having anything to do with money? Maybe she felt that you have so much while people have none? If that is the case, I would find it sad that she would just leave instead of communicating the issue.


That's about the closest explanation of her behavior that I've heard. Her family, my family...we're all confused about it. We've used the phrase "midlife crisis" a lot. But, I'm not sure that entirely captures it. She had a good girlfriend with cancer that she had been nursing for a while. That friend passed last summer. There's an older daughter that I left out of the post to avoid mucking it up. That daughter is 28, with 3 kids of her own, and is her natural and my stepD. She's as supportive of me and confused about my STBX's behavior as anyone. She moved out of state 4 years ago. We suspect that there's depression involved for my STBX. We've ALL asked her to talk to a doctor about that. Not sure if she ever did, but I doubt it, and there's nothing we can do to force it.

I do think that she carries some guilt for a world full of problems. I know that when her friend passed, she felt angry and powerless over a healthcare finance system that wouldn't cover her without putting her family into poverty (the friend had no insurance). 

I know that all of this comes into play. In terms of the pending D, I'm frustrated by it, but not angry at her. I'm more worried about her long-term health. I'm frustrated that the D makes us all less financially secure, but that's not what drives me.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

In my original post, I probably was confusing. I'm not blaming my pending D on money. And I'm not complaining that the D will result in less money. I'm questioning whether my whole value system about money and responsibility makes sense. Because it feels like living irresponsibly seems to lead to happier results than living responsibly.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I feel sorry for you. Is that the law you have to 'work' still for her and give her monthly maintenance when she leaves. You should first do everything to get your children on your side not to hate you. How did this come about. Did your wife join some kind of religious cult or similar. You should try to get together.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

accept said:


> I feel sorry for you. Is that the law you have to 'work' still for her and give her monthly maintenance when she leaves. You should first do everything to get your children on your side not to hate you. How did this come about. Did your wife join some kind of religious cult or similar. You should try to get together.


There's lots in your post.

We've been married a long time, so the expectation is that I need to help her support herself to a certain lifestyle. One of the assumptions is that she can get a job at some (low) level of income, and that I need to make up the difference in her needs. Since we were married a long time, I expect to make up that money for a long time.

She left the house, leaving the kids with me. So, I don't expect to pay her any child support, and her share of child support will probably reduce what I owe her for maintenance. The kids don't hate me (well, not because of this. I've had conflicts with the 16 year old for a long time because of his behaviors.). Even her older daughter (my step) is on "my side" in all of this. But, I've been very careful to present her issues in the most sympathetic light to the kids. Since she left, we've done a few sessions of FC, along with MC and IC. The MC is not productive, because she is not willing to work on the marriage. It's over, from her perspective.

On the cult issue, I don't know how to answer that. She has been involved in an organization for a long time called the Church of Religious Science. This isn't Scientology, although the names are close. The church in town has a large facility and several thousand attendees each Sunday. From what I have been able to determine, it's not a cult. From what I get, it's somewhat similar to Unitarians, in that it takes from many religious traditions. It seems to be primarily, but loosely, Christian. **EDITED** But, it is definitely new age. **END EDIT** I've attended a few services, and never saw or heard anything that set off alarm bells. I'm not a very spiritual person, so the services have never done much for me.

She became much more involved when her friend was ill, and that commitment has remained. I offered several times over the year before she left that we needed MC, and I would be willing to do it through her church. She never took me up on the offer. I think she had already emotionally left the marriage by then.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think you should check the alimony law in your state. Looking on google it seems each state has different laws. It makes no sense to me that a wife can just leave for no reason and still demand alimony. If you really have to pay I would go for the 'lower' job to get out of it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm thinking Boolean but XOR is such an unappreciated operand.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm about 15 years younger than you and have had the exact same dilemma. I understand your frustration and desire to be different. I'm also in about the same place in the process. So let me offer you some thoughts.

You're angry that life has taken a different path than what you feel both of you planned. While it does look attractive to live irresponsibly, or what you consider to be that, it is only because of where you are right now. We are who we choose to be. I don't think that choosing the opposite of who you've been will make you any happier. You'll be too worried about the future. There isn't anything wrong with who you've been. It is something your wife chose.

Your STBX left the home and your kids. In this situation I would petition the court to protect the money you have set aside for your kids education. It should be accounted for how those expenses will be paid prior to the final decree. In Tennessee there was recently a case in the supreme court that knocked down the need for the same standard of living after the divorce since it was an unreasonable expectation. Perhaps there is a similar statute in Colorado. Long term spousal support is becoming more rare these days. I would consult an attorney who deals in long term marriages. 

Keep from looking at the sides especially with the kids involved. The older one who is out of the house is OK, but the younger ones need to deal with being teenagers and not if mom or dad is in the right.

Find ways to focus on something positive everyday. I see a lot of negative in your writing that has me worried your missing the good stuff. Fairly soon you'll be on your own when the youngest turns 18. Look forward to that time to reinvent yourself and your life, but focus the little bit you have left with your son and daughter. They are going to be scarred by this no matter how nice you try to make things. Show them you still love the and are focused on them even through all of this. Something as simple as family dinners together can make a big difference.

GearHead


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

I can kind of understand where you're coming from. My husband was the really irresponsible one, though it wasn't so much that he couldn't save money (and he was a nazi about living as low-income as humanly possible, to sick degrees at times), but for some reason he hated the concept of *having* money, so he never committed himself responsibly to holding down a job that would get him a decent income, or cared much about bettering his situation financially. He was content living hand to mouth all the time. He felt that too many people focus on saving and saving, and they do nothing with their lives until they are so old they can't enjoy it anyway.

His viewpoint has made me think, and I think his cautionary statements are something to take into account, but like some others said, it is all about balance. You don't want to live above your means, and you don't want to start living paycheck to paycheck. Debt is not good, regardless of how much fun you can have with your credit cards. But you just wanna be careful not to become so focused on the future, that you miss the now. It doesn't mean throwing your savings away to impulse buy a sports car or something, it just means, find ways to experience life. Some can be very inexpensive, others might take some money. 

But I think it would be very sad to me if I get to the end of my life and I have been responsible every day of it, but also been miserable and missed out on fun and adventure. 

As far as your wife's running off like that, that is very strange. I would say that it's very likely there's some psychological component. She may have experienced a break, mentally, when her friend died. I too would be worried a little about her well being. It's great that she is finding spiritual fulfillment, but not if it is leading her away from her family and her life, and if she is becoming more and more fanatical about her beliefs she may be losing objectivity. I know you can't force her to get help or reconsider, but hopefully she will eventually be encouraged to really try and figure out what's going on inside of her, and seek help if she needs it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

papa5280 said:


> In my original post, I probably was confusing. I'm not blaming my pending D on money. And I'm not complaining that the D will result in less money. I'm questioning whether my whole value system about money and responsibility makes sense. Because it feels like living irresponsibly seems to lead to happier results than living responsibly.


I can see why it would feel this way. Sometimes it looks like those who have had to struggle financially have grown closer. But keep in mind that there is only a small percentage of people who struggle with money and stay together and HAPPY. One of those "grass is always greener" things. 

I do hope at the least you can get some closure from your wife and at least have the ability to find out what was going on with her. From the sounds of it, it has very little to do with you and everything to do with her and her coming to grips with life and death.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

accept said:


> I think you should check the alimony law in your state. Looking on google it seems each state has different laws. It makes no sense to me that a wife can just leave for no reason and still demand alimony. If you really have to pay I would go for the 'lower' job to get out of it.


It may not make much sense, but we live in a no fault world.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm thinking Boolean but XOR is such an unappreciated operand.


Heh.:scratchhead:

I get it...I just have no logical response.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I do hope at the least you can get some closure from your wife and at least have the ability to find out what was going on with her. From the sounds of it, it has very little to do with you and everything to do with her and her coming to grips with life and death.


I do think that's what's happened. I am working toward closure, but right now we're so intertwined because of kids' logistics (car pools, Dr. appointments), that its tough. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. I don't think I'm going to do anything rash (although a new sports car would be cool  ). But, I will rethink the balance in my life between work and play. Especially since my kids have experienced so much turmoil, I want to make sure they have some final positive memories of family life.


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