# My wife, the cold fish.



## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

My wife and I...haven't had sex in three weeks. Every-single-time I bring up the thought of intimacy in a way that doesn't pressure her she comes up with every excuse possible. She says we can't have sex past 8:30 for some reason, she always has a head ache or is always exhausted, or she just doesn't want to...and whenever I say "hey what's wrong" I'm INSTANTLY pressuring her into having sex.

She hasn't gotten ontop of me in two years, whenever we do have sex (which is rarer and rarer) she just lays there and does nothing.

As of late I rounded out my weight loss plan, I dropped 30 pounds. She said "I'd blow you if you'd stay under 170 pounds." Well I did and she suddenly came up with another excuse...

Now I drew the line and pressed for an answer, she instead blew me off in mid sentence to watch "once upon a time." 

I mean I even take her out for a date, we come home and right on cue "I'm tired" "oh I have a headache" and here I sit again alone....

So I'm reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly thinking of leaving her. It would be a poor financial choice on my behalf but I really don't know if I can live like this.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> My wife and I...haven't had sex in three weeks. Every-single-time I bring up the thought of intimacy in a way that doesn't pressure her she comes up with every excuse possible. She says we can't have sex past 8:30 for some reason, she always has a head ache or is always exhausted, or she just doesn't want to...and whenever I say "hey what's wrong" I'm INSTANTLY pressuring her into having sex.
> 
> She hasn't gotten ontop of me in two years, whenever we do have sex (which is rarer and rarer) she just lays there and does nothing.
> 
> ...


Can't really respond without some more information. Is this something that's been going on for 3 weeks or has this been the pattern for a while. Has it always been this way? If not, can you point to a general timeframe when she started to act this way?

Do you have children? How old are the two of you? How long have you been together? Does she work outside the home?

Has anything dramatic happened in her life recently? Yours? 

Hate to ask this question but have you eliminated the possibility of an affair?


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Can't really respond without some more information. Is this something that's been going on for 3 weeks or has this been the pattern for a while. Has it always been this way? If not, can you point to a general timeframe when she started to act this way?
> 
> Do you have children? How old are the two of you? How long have you been together? Does she work outside the home?
> 
> ...


This has been going on for years. As soon as we came to England, she just starting have sex with me less and less and less...so I can easily say this has been going on for years.

No children.

She is 25 I'm 24.

We've been together for 5 years.

She works for the military.

Nothing dramatic has happened.

Affair...not so sure to be honest.

She keeps telling me she associates sex with pain (because she would never let me try and turn her on and she thought using lube of any kind was messy....

She also "refuses to ride me" because she wants to get off in another position, and wants me to get her off. Yet I can't because I cum too fast because I'm too eager to have sex because she never has it with me. 

I've tried to stimulate her, fingering, messages, oral...met with hands in my face, pushing away, she slammed her legs shut around my head a few times...

Fun times!


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

If it hurts her, can you blame her for not wanting to? I had a lot of pain with sex for several years early on in my marriage and we were nearly sexless because of it. I had HUGE resentment for my husband for him wantiing to hurt me like that, still do a tiny bit, even though I try not to.

If it felt like a spike being driven up your penis every time you had sex, how much would you want to do it? And wouldn't you start to get really pi$$ed at the person who was SO excited to do that to you and wanted to do it ALL the time?

I, too had a million and one excuses. My husband knew it hurt me and while he tried to lessen the pain, he still wanted sex all the time. 
I bet if you could have a real heart to heart with your wife, she'd tell you how much she is hurt when you approach her for sex. She probably feels like you don't care at all and are just using her to get off on. She is likely holding in a lot of anger 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> My wife and I...haven't had sex in three weeks. Every-single-time I bring up the thought of intimacy in a way that doesn't pressure her she comes up with every excuse possible. She says we can't have sex past 8:30 for some reason, she always has a head ache or is always exhausted, or she just doesn't want to...and whenever I say "hey what's wrong" I'm INSTANTLY pressuring her into having sex.
> 
> She hasn't gotten ontop of me in two years, whenever we do have sex (which is rarer and rarer) she just lays there and does nothing.
> 
> ...


You haven't given us much to go on here, but the one thing that stands out is she makes promises she has no intent of keeping. Seriously now - she had no intent of blowing you - not even if your dong was a Popsicle on a hot summer day. She benefits nothing by making those empty promises. She does it out of meanness and to make sport out of manipulating you.

That is unexcusable under any circumstances.

And, rather than leave, ask her to move out. Do the 180 until she either treats you better or leaves.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> If it hurts her, can you blame her for not wanting to? I had a lot of pain with sex for several years early on in my marriage and we were nearly sexless because of it. I had HUGE resentment for my husband for him wantiing to hurt me like that, still do a tiny bit, even though I try not to.
> 
> If it felt like a spike being driven up your penis every time you had sex, how much would you want to do it? And wouldn't you start to get really pi$$ed at the person who was SO excited to do that to you and wanted to do it ALL the time?
> 
> ...


Seriously, LOTL, you are so stuck on your "sex is a gift and never deserved or earned" that you ignore facts right there in front of you. Did you not see where she does have intercourse as long as it's her way? It can't hurt that bad, can it.

Or, did you see where she said "I'd blow you if you stayed under 170 (lbs.)" when he was dieting, then failed to follow through? What would you say to that? He should have ignored her comment and known she was not serious? He should have met her weight target for him, even without the oral sex, simply because she asked?

In other threads you've said that doing as one wants is the ultimate prerogative, even in marriage. In this case, she has interfered with his free will by promising something she did not intend to do. That's no different than pressuring him overtly, because the end result is that someone does something which would not have been done outside that pressure.

Are you saying that behavior is okay is this situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> This has been going on for years. As soon as we came to England, she just starting have sex with me less and less and less...so I can easily say this has been going on for years.
> 
> No children.
> 
> ...


I agree with LadyOfTheLake. Your wife has told you why she does not want sex. Sex hurts for her. So what have the two of you done to try to work through this? 

It sounds like your wife does not understand much about sex either.

There are book on sex that might help the two of you.

*Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm*, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.

Is there an woman who can talk to your wife about sex? Someone who can tell her how a woman can enjoy it?

Another thing that might help is for you and your wife to go to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. This way the counselor will be able to help your wife learn about sex from a woman's point of view.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would suggest you get a good book, and read some articles about women who have pain with sex, and get her to open up a bit about what type of pain, there may be something the doc can do. In addition, tell her outright, don't make promises she cannot keep... that just gets you worked up worse, explain this to her. 
In addtition I would find some data type articles to show her that lube will help her with her pain, could even use a warming one that will help "warm her up" so to speak.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

DTO said:


> Seriously, LOTL, you are so stuck on your "sex is a gift and never deserved or earned" that you ignore facts right there in front of you. Did you not see where she does have intercourse as long as it's her way? It can't hurt that bad, can it.
> 
> Or, did you see where she said "I'd blow you if you stayed under 170 (lbs.)" when he was dieting, then failed to follow through? What would you say to that? He should have ignored her comment and known she was not serious? He should have met her weight target for him, even without the oral sex, simply because she asked?
> 
> ...




I see where she has intercourse when she can't find a way out of it. Been there, done that. Did you seriously just downplay her pain? Go get kicked in the nards. I've never felt it, it can't hurt that bad, can it? 

She promised to blow him at 170 lbs. Probably thought he'd never lose the weight. It was a bluff, another dodge. She didn't think he'd ever call her on it. If he didn't want to lose weight, he shouldn't have done it. She should have had no say in the matter. It's his body, none of her business. And I won't even say what I think about losing weight just to try and get sex...

It doesn't sound like she pressured him into losing weight. She was looking for a way out of sex and thought she'd found one. Why would she want to give him a BJ when all he gives her is pain? I told my dh the same thing. Why on earth would I do anything to please you like that after the pain you put me through just to get off? F**k that noise!!!!!

OP, if your wife is at all, in any way, like me, she will not want sex with you till the pain issue is fixed. And shame on you for still approaching her, even though you know it hurts her. How can you claim to love her and then hurt her so eagerly? Shame on you. You have a lot of growing up to do.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well I have another perspective...and that is the fact that my marriage has gone through a very similar scenario...wife would complain about pain, be non-initiative taking, seems to want it to be over with ASAP, and I took it very personal, because no matter what I did, she found a reason to either get me to stop or just hurry up. No connection, no intimacy, and lot of hurt feelings and arguments...where I felt like I must be doing everything wrong yet not getting a clear reason as to what her problem was. 

She did this, as I later learned, was because of some really bad sexual experiences (being molested as a child by strangers, possibly father, as well as years of molestation by significantly older half-sister)...she spent early teens being very promiscuous...having experienced a lot before me, in which I never had sex before. So, after we got married, normal, attachment-bonding sex was way too emotionally vulnerable to her, so she constantly sabotaged it to not have to be close to me intimately. Back then I saw that she really associated sex with those negative experiences, so I said I wouldn't try to initiate until she was ready, but I also saw how important it was to work on her past issues...but I soon discovered it was a horrible journey that she wasn't ready to take (reliving her horrific past, understandably) and I waited, trying to be supportive until she was ready. It never came...and instead, she chose online, possibly real-life sex partners to act out with...d/s roleplay where she could reexperience, thus try to master her trauma, by inducing relational trauma. I don't think I know that half of what she got involved with...even before we were married. As you can tell I have learned a lot.
Advice: make your marriage a safe place to talk. Stow your judgements and values...so that she can feel safe to open up and be vulnerable relationally. Accept the things that you are responsible, and do ZERO emotional work that she is responsible for. I would suggest taking advantage of counseling and whatnot for guidance.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Formerself, your post was wonderful and balanced. 




Formerself said:


> Advice: make your marriage a safe place to talk. Stow your judgements and values...so that she can feel safe to open up and be vulnerable relationally. Accept the things that you are responsible, and do ZERO emotional work that she is responsible for. I would suggest taking advantage of counseling and whatnot for guidance.


As you pointed out, it takes TIME to work through traumatic sexual history. Building resentment has to stop.

OP, you and your wife need to find a way to talk to each other. You MUST understand her and her needs, and she must understand your needs are important too.

You both need to look at the sex issue free from resentment and recriminations. Most women in this situation feel like they are broken, and maybe to some extent they are, but it doesn't mean it will always be thus.

She needs to feel safe with you and clearly she doesn't or she'd be more comfortable talking. You have clearly been trying but it's very hard for a lot of men to get past feeling so rejected and focus instead on what they can do to help. Talk to her doctor with her about the pain. Encourage her to learn about whatever her issue is, you should learn too!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Formerself, your post was wonderful and balanced.


Thank you...but it wasn't because I got it right all the time. I am naturally very empathetic and compassionate...so forgiving and looking at things from all sides always came easy. Setting boundaries is where I failed in my marriage...and she probably resents me for that more than anything. Lessons we learn!:smthumbup:


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

To be honest, my wife pressured me for weeks and months to lose weight, go to the gym...when she fell through on her promise, I really just stopped caring. She really made it seem like it was going to happen.

Yet that aside I'm not trying to guilt trip her into sex, what the hell am I supposed to do? Stay away from her whilst she's changing and go back to a 1950's experience where sex doesn't exist? Separate beds perhaps?

I'm strongly considering a sex therapist, and just talk to her and see if she's willing to try anything to improve this situation.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Get her to a gynecologist. Stop the s**t tests from her. Never comply to any demand from her, to have sex. You are devaluing yourself to her. Do not become a chump. If you already are....stop. Man up and say NO to her tests. These rationalizations like " I have a headache" "not after 8:30" are not reasonable answers to any request for sex.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

They're not **** tests. They are excuses. She's not testing you. She's avoiding you without confronting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like she could be disconnected from you emotionally, (usually women connect emotional and physical feelings together.)Sometimes if one is gone, the other will surely follow. 

Or her associating sex with pain, could possibly mean there is something from her past shes not telling you. Was she hurt sexually at some point? I know to you they may seem like excuses, (and maybe they are) but then again it could be something really wrong that she feels she can't talk with you about for whatever reason.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> They're not **** tests. They are excuses. She's not testing you. She's avoiding you without confronting you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't understand what I'm writing about at all. They are not excuses. Even what you call excuses are not. They are unwarranted rationalizations. OP your wife is devaluing you to herself. Stop this now.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You said she works for the Military, how long has she done this? No chance of anything like PTSD? 

My other thought was, maybe there is someone else.

I don't know that I would go the sex therapist route first, maybe start with marriage counseling. I think there is a deeper issue going on here than just lack of sex.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Dalebot said:


> This has been going on for years. As soon as we came to England, she just starting have sex with me less and less and less...so I can easily say this has been going on for years.
> 
> No children.
> 
> ...


What is she doing to fix the pain? What have you suggested? Are the two of you taking any steps to address this? Has sex always been like this, or is this a new development? 

Is she willing to talk about the issues? I would also suggest counseling to see if you can do anything.

The other question you have to ask is that if nothing changes, what will you do? In the end, you can't make her do anything, so if she is not willing to work on these issues, are you still willing to stick around?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You guys are young and without the complications of children. You're married to a woman who just isn't that into you. Really, why bother. Start detaching and prepare yourself to find a new life.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You guys are young and without the complications of children. You're married to a woman who just isn't that into you. Really, why bother. Start detaching and prepare yourself to find a new life.




Good perspective. Lots of speculation going on here that seems based upon projection from personal experience. Maybe she has genuine pain, maybe not. If she is not willing to explore the issue and work to improve it, what exactly is the difference? 

His needs are no more or less important than her needs. If she is unwilling to have a productive discussion about how to imporve the situation for both parties nothing will get better. It will get worse. Much worse. 

I don't know exactly why she is not interested in sex with you, but it is clear that she is not interested. Accept this. If penetration is too painful for her, there are other ways to skin the cat. She refuses and will not even discuss it with you. What does that tell you?

I would suggest splitting up now, before the complication of kids enters the picture. You're at high risk to end up with a baby that was conceived to fix things. It will likely make things worse and now you'll be tied to her for life. 

Get out. You'll recover finacially. More importantly, you'll recover spritually.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Op....by your actions she is hearing you say "I KNOW I hurt you in a very intimate and private way. I don't care. Service my wants anyway". Are you at all suprised she is avoiding you? She'd be crazy not to! If you really don't care about her distress and are only interested in getting laid, you need to let this poor woman go. It sounds like she's been through enough already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If my penis stopped functioning or was causing me pain while having intercourse with my wife I would be going to every doctor, every psychologist to fix the problem. It would be important to me as a man and as a husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

richie33 said:


> If my penis stopped functioning or was causing me pain while having intercourse with my wife I would be going to every doctor, every psychologist to fix the problem. It would be important to me as a man and as a husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup. This isn't about pain at all. It's about a woman who doesn't give a rats ass about her husband or her marriage. If she was with a man she was into, she would move mountains to fix any physical problems.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It does sound like she has checked out of the marriage. My suggestion, if you and her both want to work on things and try to save it, then she needs to be willing to check back in and seek out MC, if not, hand her separation papers, and move on.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're both young and in your sexual primes.

You've been together for 5 years already.

She's in the military.


She keeps telling me "she associates sex with pain" (because she would never let me try and turn her on and she thought using lube of any kind was messy....

So vaginal intercourse hurts her for some reason. Has she ever gone to the Dr. and figured it out? Therapist?


There are many other ways to have sex with her. Anal, breast and foot jobs, hands, oral, etc.....not always vaginal.

She might of been abused as a child, raped in the military, really bad ex bf, none of which she has talked to you about.

Or.......its all not true and she is seeing someone else in the military and has emotionally and sexually disconnected from you.


When in any marriage or relationship, you are not your own anymore and many spouses today are only in it for themselves!!!

She is to take care of your needs and you to take care of her needs. For most men, sex, for most women, emotional closeness and support. Both must take care of each others needs over their own.


Either she is having an affair via military career or she truly has some sexual trama from her past that should of been dealt with before being with you for 5 years......5 years of doing nothing on her part is her fault. 5 years wasted for nothing, when it could of been resolved. 5 years you won't get back.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

richie33 said:


> If my penis stopped functioning or was causing me pain while having intercourse with my wife I would be going to every doctor, every psychologist to fix the problem. It would be important to me as a man and as a husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This. :iagree::iagree:


Why doesn't she do the same?


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yup. This isn't about pain at all. It's about a woman who doesn't give a rats ass about her husband or her marriage. If she was with a man she was into, she would move mountains to fix any physical problems.


Tend to agree. This sounds like my wife. My wife loves me dearly, I know this for a fact... but she is not a very sexual person (or else just not very sexually attracted to me).

We are married 11 years and at this point have sex maybe once every 2 months (always when I initiate). She will only do it in the same position (doggy style), she won't get on top and doesn't really even seem to want to be on her back on the bottom. She hardly moves although she always orgasms and seems to enjoy it on the rare times we do it.

When I've talked about this she says she is just "shy", doesn't like the lights on... when she lays on her back (as part of foreplay never during intercourse) she literally covers up her breasts and if I touch her breasts/nipples she says it tickles, my hands are cold, etc. and pushes my hand away. She does not seem to enjoy kissing on the mouth very much either.

My feeling is that your wife and mine are probably pretty similar. They are not that into sex, or they have hangups about it, or they just aren't that into sex with their husband. 

Not sure of the solution, I did have an honest discussion of this with my wife about a year ago, things got a little better for a few weeks but right back to the same now.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

4thand11 said:


> Tend to agree. This sounds like my wife. My wife loves me dearly, I know this for a fact... but she is not a very sexual person (or else just not very sexually attracted to me).
> 
> We are married 11 years and at this point have sex maybe once every 2 months (always when I initiate). She will only do it in the same position (doggy style), she won't get on top and doesn't really even seem to want to be on her back on the bottom. She hardly moves although she always orgasms and seems to enjoy it on the rare times we do it.
> 
> ...




You described my wife. :iagree:


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

4thand11 said:


> Tend to agree. This sounds like my wife. My wife loves me dearly, I know this for a fact... but she is not a very sexual person (or else just not very sexually attracted to me).
> 
> We are married 11 years and at this point have sex maybe once every 2 months (always when I initiate). She will only do it in the same position (doggy style), she won't get on top and doesn't really even seem to want to be on her back on the bottom. She hardly moves although she always orgasms and seems to enjoy it on the rare times we do it.
> 
> ...


There's a lot here to make me think she may have been sexually abused as a child. If so, you'll never get an real improvement without serious therapy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think you should leave. Life is too short and she isn't into you. Sorry dude.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> There's a lot here to make me think she may have been sexually abused as a child. If so, you'll never get an real improvement without serious therapy.


I really don't think so. She simply is very self-conscious. She is quite attractive and I tell her that all the time. I think if anything she has hangups about sex in general that have nothing to do with being abused - and yes you are probably right therapy would probably help in that case.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

One thing for the OP (a lesson I've learned from experience) is that getting angry over the lack of sex only makes things worse. She will NEVER want to have sex if she thinks you are mad at her. She will never be in the mood if you are acting coldly BECAUSE she's never in the mood (vicious cycle).

I would try talking to her but phrase it positively, not as a confrontation. Something like "I love you and I find you so attractive, that is why I want to have sex with you", "I miss close physical contact with you, is there anything I can do differently", etc. Women need to feel validated.

I am not saying this will work long-term (depends on how your wife really feels about you/sex in general). But certainly a better approach than being angry which will never get you anywhere. If you keep it positive it's possible some of her real issues might come out and you can decide where to go from there. If you are confrontational she will shut down and then you may as well say game over.


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## daniel2014 (Nov 16, 2014)

blowjob does not hurt the vagina?...


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