# Newlyweds: Name Change Dilemma



## poiuytrewq123 (Jan 11, 2010)

Greetings,

My wife and I have been married for almost three months, yet she is reluctant to change her name after taking my last name upon marriage. When we applied for a marriage license, I let her know that I had no problem with her taking any last name that she desired (even though I am old fashioned and had hoped that she would take my name and I made it clear that I loved her and that I would respect any name she chose). She said she wanted to take my last name. 

Now, she will write e-mails and our thank-you cards and tell people she is now my last name, yet she is very reluctant to make the change with other official documents. For example, her work license (as she puts it [and I can understand] people know her professionaly by her maiden name); her driver's license and car insurance company, passport, social security, etc. all are under her maiden name. She had even contacted her insurance company to tell them she had gotten married, and when I received the return call I told them my wife's new married name, but my wife was not happy. She said it now conflicted with her driver's license, so she called the insurance company to have it changed back to her maiden name.

I can understand that it can be difficult for someone to give up a name she has had all her life- it is her identity. I am trying to be understanding and to respect her by giving her room to adapt to a new married life, including her new name. I love my wife very much, and she tells me how much I mean to her and that she loves me. However, sometimes, I wonder if she really wants to be married to me. That she is only halfway in the door between being single and married. 

I am open to any thoughts on this matter from both sides, women who have also had difficulty taking a new name and even men who might have experienced the same wonder about the committment. 


Sincerely,

Hurt-but-want-my-wife-happy


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I can understand your feelings on this. My wife was a little bit reluctant to give up her name when we were first married. However, she just did it. Changed all the ID's etc and had done with it.

I too really wanted her to take my last name and am glad she did. I would probably feel similar to you if she hadn't. I'm not sure that it's a commitment issue though. If it's her professional identity, it could be much harder to give up.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

poiuytrewq123 said:


> Greetings,
> 
> When we applied for a marriage license, I let her know that I had no problem with her taking any last name that she desired (even though I am old fashioned and had hoped that she would take my name and I made it clear that I loved her and that I would respect any name she chose). She said she wanted to take my last name.


Well I wasn't that nice about it. I told my fiance that if she didnt want my last name, then she shouldn't marry me.
Her parents wanted her to keep her last name, but she didn't. They then wanted her to put a hyphen in there and use both last names and she didn't (because i didn't want her to).
Then when our son was born they actually wanted HIM to have both last names and I wouldn't allow that either.

It's more about tradition than it is about me just getting my way. My son now is the last male in the family with our last name and hopefully he can pass it on and keep it alive.

I don't have a solution for you, but I would be offended as well. -And I wouldn't have married someone unwilling to take my name.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

She could make her maiden name her middle name and your name her last. My mom did this - hated her middle name and saw it as a way to get rid of it .


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This debate never came up for us, she just changed her name to mine and done. I would have had major issues with her not changing though. Dealbreaker not changing. Just is.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

It took me awhile to change my name after getting married. Alot of it was that the marriage wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be, and I didn't have support of any kind from him. The other side, I had a hard time letting go of that identity.

Give her time. She'll feel the heat on her own. Don't turn this into a battle...its not worth it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think this varies from person to person. I was AD Army when the H and I got married, and it took me a while to change all my stuff over as well. It had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband, nor was it some sort of power play, I just didn't feel like I should HAVE to do it as soon as the next day. My H was actually quite understanding, and even though I did change my name after a few months, people still called me by my maiden name anyway. Not that big a deal to me personally.


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

She is setting you all up for failure. Since 50 percent of marriages end up in divorce now....

My wife changed her name on all of the legal stuff but uses a hyphen - in her name. firstname -maiden-new. 

You have to be willing to compromise.

Either she is just being lazy or she is not totally committed to the marriage. I am leaning toward the second one. It should not be this difficult..

If you divorced she could always take her maiden name back... I bet she would want your last name if you were famous....


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

sorry for that last sentence... That was uncalled for.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I had a hard time changing my last name. My H thought i should just do it and that it was not a big deal. So i told him if it wasnt that big of a deal to change names, then he wouldnt mind changing his last name to mine. 

i did eventually change my name. and my H was more sympathetic.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I had a hard time changing my last name. My H thought i should just do it and that it was not a big deal. So i told him if it wasnt that big of a deal to change names, then he wouldnt mind changing his last name to mine.
> 
> i did eventually change my name. and my H was more sympathetic.


You're forgetting about this thing called 'tradition'. ...to some people that, and continuing their family name, is a big deal.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

poiuytrewq123 said:


> Greetings,
> 
> My wife and I have been married for almost three months, yet she is reluctant to change her name after taking my last name upon marriage. When we applied for a marriage license, I let her know that I had no problem with her taking any last name that she desired (even though I am old fashioned and had hoped that she would take my name and I made it clear that I loved her and that I would respect any name she chose). She said she wanted to take my last name.
> 
> ...


Total opinon here of course.....
You wanting her to change her name for you is TOTAL ego.
You're not any less of a man if your wife retains her name. In fact you may be MORE of a man for understanding that that's not really important.
In many places its considered obserd for the woman to change her name. (italy for one) and many others.
I understand that we are not in another place.. we are here where it is the culture. But what does it really mean at the end of the day? Why dont you take HER name? Change all YOUR documents etc.
It really does not matter. 

Whats the difference what you call her?
Maybe she sees this as losing some identity.
Do you have a good relationship otherwise? if yes.. then?

Dont make something out of nothing. which it really is.
If you love her ...just do that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You made your intentions clear, that it didn't matter but you really want it. She figured she could have a "formal" name as your wife and keep her maiden name on everything that identifies her.

And you now have found that you really want different and she's digging in her heels hoping you'll just drop it.

Personally, I think I'd just drop it.

As a side note, here is the limits of hyphenating wives:

Elizabeth Rosemont Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky-Taylor


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is one of those piss-ant things that ends up coming out in therapy ten years down the line after the seeds of resentment have been sown, taken root, and blossomed. 

The name on her marriage license is her _legal_ name. 

In the end, neither of you were being quite as open and honest about what you wanted as you should have been. If in fact, it really isn't a big deal to you then let it go. 

It sounds more to me that she probably has to jump through more hoops than she originally anticipated. If she thinks this is overwhelming, she has a rude awakening coming with her notions of marriage.

Hope you guys settle it out equitably.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Its only been 3 months...give it time. Don't make this a huge issue...find some way to deal with it and move on. You have her...there are alot of bigger issues to worry about in a marriage. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings...just give it time. 

If she is out of college and you guys met later in life...it may be a complete identity thing for her. Marriage is a big step for an independent woman. I felt like I had made the decision to change some aspects of who I was as a person when I changed my last name. Its just an independence thing. However, the more my husband hounded me about it, the more I dug my feet in.

Thats the issue with independent women...we have our own ideas of how to handle things. Be happy she said yes at the altar and wants to be your partner for life. Don't trip over these things...let it go. She will change in the future...but she needs to be accepted for who she is now...not made to conform to your perception of an ideal wife.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

This is not so uncommon, the difficulty some women face around the meaning they attach to dropping their last name. Like you said, it's probably an identity thing for her. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't change my name for a few years. I dragged my feet because I was so uncomfortable with that loss - I'd been very independent prior to meeting my husband.

It wasn't because I didn't love him - it was my "stuff." 

I ultimately took his name but ditched my middle name and replaced it with my maiden name. That felt like a great way to make both of us happy and it worked.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I agree with larniegirl, give this time. It can be a difficult thing for people to change themselves into a "married person," whether it's a woman changing her name or a man changing his address. We all have adjustments to make. Let your wife take her time making this change.

That being said, it's not wrong for you to feel the way you do. A bit "old fashioned" some would say, but's that okay by me! Let her know how you feel about it and then let her deal with it. Keep the communication open.


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