# Delusional Jealousy in spouse



## whywhywhy

My spouse has been accusing me of the unthinkable for almost our entire relationship. The last year has been the worse. The things he says crush me. I am by all rights a wonderful wife and mother. I am loyal and affectionate. I seek to please him all the time. I bend over backwards to make him feel loved and respected. Even more so since the diagnosis, All to no avail. Whether it be a bruise or a scratch a "man" smell on my clothes. It can be anything. "What are you typing, what are you reading who are you talking to", that's my life constant questioning. I really have no friends because any conversation is a delusion that I am off having wild sex parties. Man or women either way I am a **** and have to be cheating on him. Why else would he think I was cheating if I really wasn't(his logic). He couldn't possibly be imagining it. Oh he is always apologetic and begging for forgiveness. Says he'll never do it again if I give him one more chance. But I don't think I have it in me anymore. So many years of his rage and accusations. I am so tired tired tired. I walk on egg shells always afraid I will get "caught". Caught doing what I don't know but I am always judging every conversation I have..would he find it inappropriate. I avoid all eye contact even when he isn't around I avert my eyes lest someone gets the wrong idea. I isolate myself to keep him safe but it makes no difference any comment and conversation and bruise or scratch can lead to his accusing me or implying I have been unfaithful. I am as loyal as they come but I am ready to unloyal myself and leave him. I am toasted and want to have a bit of freedom and be able to breath. I can't let him eat me away anymore. How do you get free? I just don't know how and so it goes on and on. I feel pathetic and weak for letting someone treat me like this. I am a SAHM so it isn't s if I can just move out. I am trapped in a relationship of emotional abuse. All I can do at this point is harden my heart and not care what he thinks and let the future take care of it for me. 
To anyone that asks "could you have done something to provoke this?" you have no idea how insulting that is. Cheater's don't have to ask why their spouses would think they would cheat. I have never done anything to make him think I was cheating. In fact most of our relationship he would say comments and look at other women to try to make me jealous. I never did those things to him. My waving to a neighbor is enough to make him go crazy and stew and steam until he went off on a rage fit. So please don't ask me if I did anything because I have been loyal and trustworthy my entire life, it is my character through and through. I expect the same standard of him and I believe him to be loyal, just not trusting and what is a relationship without trust?


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## Jellybeans

Better question is: why did you marry him knowing he was like this? 

Nonetheless: tell him it stops now or you bail from the relationship--that you won't tolerate it a second longer. 

He is controlling.


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## whywhywhy

Easier said then done. It has only become unmanageable in the last year...along with the diagnosis he had an extreme event to say the least. All over me going to get cough syrup at the pharmacy..I was gone 20-30 minutes...but somehow his delusions created this amazing fantasy of my lover and me having a rendezvous. uggg
Plus a little perspective...I have 4 kids and no self income...should I move into the car? Easier said then done. 
I have screamed at the top of my lungs that I am done done done...trust me I am a tiger but I am also forgiving and when he is great he is great...I love him like trees love water. So not being a cold hard ***** I forgive forgive forgive. Obviously I am at my wits end and trapped to say the least. I hate being cold and distant. I want to be with him...just not the jealous him.
If I could leave I would have n doubt moved out long ago but like I said I don't have the ability to do that. And no I ma not moving into a shelter because my children don't need that kind of trauma. As far as they are concerned life is full of sunshine.


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## wiigirl

Jellybeans said:


> Better question is: why did you marry him knowing he was like this?
> 
> Nonetheless: tell him it stops now or you bail from the relationship--that you won't tolerate it a second longer.
> 
> He is controlling.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whywhywhy

wiigirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why didn't I think of that...it's so simple...I'll just pack my bags and move into the nearest hotel with all my gold and silver coins to keep me feed and sheltered.

LOL 

If we all were gifted with foresight and endless cash!


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## Emerald

What has he been dxed. with? Is he still working?


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## KnK

whywhywhy said:


> Why didn't I think of that...it's so simple...I'll just pack my bags and move into the nearest hotel with all my gold and silver coins to keep me feed and sheltered.
> 
> LOL
> 
> If we all were gifted with foresight and endless cash!


Do you not have any family, friends? A job? How old are your children?


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## the guy

Maybe he is projecting and he is the one that is cheating!

I'd look into it.


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## Hope1964

Uh, yeah, accusing your spouse of cheating is a huge red flag. 

And don't say it's impossible to leave. It isn't. I left my ex with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old with nothing but the clothes in our suitcases. I stayed with my brother for a couple of weeks, went on social assistance, got a place, spent a year on welfare till I got a job, then continued with income supplementation till I could get off welfare. You just have to decide to DO it.


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## 3Xnocharm

the guy said:


> Maybe he is projecting and he is the one that is cheating!
> 
> I'd look into it.


YEP, this was my thought as well. 

If you REALLY want to get out, you will find a way. There is ALWAYS a way. Otherwise you will just give yourself excuse after excuse and keep living the way you are.


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## whywhywhy

Emerald said:


> What has he been dxed. with? Is he still working?


He has delusional disorder...the title says it all. Jealousy is only one of his issues...but the one that effects our relationship.
He does work, he is a good provider. I have all I could want and then some from a materialistic sense.
I don't have family to turn to.
No, I don't think he has ever cheated not in the least. He is very loyal but very insecure. Him cheating is not even an issue as far as I am concerned. Not that I haven't thought about it, but really it is laughable. He is too serious and busy and not at all flirty, looky but not flirty and I realized that the only reason he gawks is to see if I care. He wants me to be jealous. I swear he thinks that is how you show love. 
It is crazy messed up and he swears he will move out several times to give me peace...he moved out once for a day...lol He just has a hard time letting go of what he "loves". I have a hard time being angry and mean for very long. I need a ref. ahh the webs. I have managed to ignore his calls and texts today, but it makes me feel guilty and sad and jerkish.


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## Hope1964

whywhywhy said:


> He is too serious and busy and not at all flirty, looky but not flirty


Sounds just like my husband. You can read about what he was doing thru the link in my sig if you care to.

So, if you're not willing to leave him, what ARE you willing to do?


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## Emerald

If you don't want to go to a homeless shelter, then get a job, become financially independent & move out. 

Do your children hear him verbally & emotionally abuse you?


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## DayDream

What delusional disorder? Have you read all about what he has been diagnosed with? Is it treatable? Is he able to "just stop" like others are suggesting, given this disorder? These are important questions. If he is mentally ill, you can't deal with this like he can just turn it off like a switch.


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## whywhywhy

Hope1964 said:


> Sounds just like my husband. You can read about what he was doing thru the link in my sig if you care to.
> 
> So, if you're not willing to leave him, what ARE you willing to do?


So not even close...we have a great sex life...porn not an issue we both occasionally check it out together. He is not a chat kind of person and is way to paranoid to click on all those sites in fear of infecting our computer. Other then his jealous rage he is great


The actual term is called Delusional Disorder. Google it. He has Jealousy Type and a few others that are irrelevant to the conversation. No there is no cure. It is a lifetime affliction his father has it and he never knew until he himself lost it and I called them and then of course all the family secrets come out. He tends to like to bring on the drama in the wee hours...so know the kids aren't bothered. We have a big house and they don't know what is going on.


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## whywhywhy

Emerald said:


> If you don't want to go to a homeless shelter, then get a job, become financially independent & move out.
> 
> Do your children hear him verbally & emotionally abuse you?


Can't afford daycare for 4 kids....they are all young


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## jennsf415

It sounds like he is obviously very insecure, and if he is so paranoid about who you communicate with and such, it does sound like maybe he is the one doing what he is accusing you of. If you have any family members to confide in, that would be a good idea.


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## whywhywhy

He has been going to counseling so he is trying but it just isn't working.
I am going to suggest counseling for couples which I know he will do. He is desperate to not be like this....which makes it all harder. It is a mental illness one that has sad outcomes in most cases. This isn't about cheating spouses or any drama of the normal sort. I love him very much and I know he has a hard time controlling these thoughts. It is like a fountain he puts a cork in. The pressure just builds as he tries to deflect all the thoughts and then explodes into an insane accusation. Like last night he had a rash and suggested a STD test. You can imagine how insulted and hurt I was. He admits he is an ahole but can't think like a normal person. Just trying to rationalize his ideas is the most insane pointless conversation.He just doesn't even hear the **** he says and why it would upset me. He thinks I am angry for saying mean things...but I am angry because he insinuates I am cheating. He can't seem to understand the connection. His mind is wired so strange. For years before the diagnosis I used to tell him he was Delusional...if I had only known how right I was.
I really just came here to vent' I am aware that only I can fix this. I can choose to stand by his crazy **** and learn to tune it out, I can leave. Time puts you were you need to be. I just needed to vent after a long night of drama. Thanks all


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## Uptown

whywhywhy said:


> The actual term is called Delusional Disorder. ...He has Jealousy Type and a few others....


WWW, how sure are you that he has DD (Delusional Disorder)? What type of therapist gave you the diagnosis? I ask because, if your H really does have DD, he is an extremely unusual man. The prevalence of DD in the general population is believed to be only 0.03% -- that is 200 times smaller than the prevalence of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, which has a prevalence of about 6%). And, because the Jealousy Type is one of only six subtypes of DD, the likelihood of having that subtype is even smaller still.

I note that the strong fear of abandonment, temper tantrums, irrational rage, and controlling behavior you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD. I therefore suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522 to see if most of them sound very familiar. If they do ring a bell, I suggest you obtain a second professional opinion by seeing a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself, without your H being present.

My concern is the common practice by therapists of deliberately withholding the name of the main disorder when treating high functioning BPDers. Therapists do this because they are ethically bound to protect the interests of their BPDer clients. There are several reasons why it is in the best interests of those clients NOT to be told they have BPD. If you are interested, I explain the reasons at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. The result is that the BPDer and his spouse are often told only about the co-occurring Axis-1 disorder (such as DD, PTSD, bipolar, and anxiety). Unlike BPD or other PDs, all of those Axis-1 disorders are covered by insurance and do not scare clients into terminating therapy.


> I walk on egg shells always afraid I will get "caught."


Interestingly, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses of BPDers. I mention all this because, if you learn that your H has strong BPD traits, you will find a world of information and support available online (e.g., at the BPDfamily.com forum). In contrast, DD is so rare that I've never seen a support forum devoted to it.


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## Jellybeans

whywhywhy said:


> I hate being cold and distant. *I want to be with him...just not the jealous him*.
> If I could leave I would have n doubt moved out long ago but like I said* I don't have the ability to do that*.


But he is jealous. This is who he is. So either you tolerate it or you do something about it. And remember, people only change/stop detrimental behaviors when they make a choice to. You can't do that for him.

You say you don't have the ability to move--so get one. Get a job and start saving money. Seriously. You need to do this STAT. 

I sincerely doubt your kids think everything is "sunshine." Kids pick up on things, especially controlling environments/people. Your marriage is extremely unhealthy. You are in an abusive relationship. This is mental abuse--someone doing this to you constantly and making you feel anxious over it and having to justify every little thing, even going to the grocery store/pharmacy. Not cool or healthy.

I was in a relationship like yours--it gets worse over time. Constantly feeling like you're doing something wrong/walking on eggshells, having to account for every single thing you do--made to feel bad about every single time you go anywhere--this is not a way to live. This is controlling behavior to the nth degree. 

When you've had enough, you will know. Unfortunately, until you actually believe that you are done and do something about it, you will find yourself living w/ the status quo. 

I feel sorry for your situation--but realize--you can take a stand--when and if you want to. 

Your 4 kids watching this every day--no good. They are going to grow up either thinking this is the way a normal relationship works, being controlled, or will go on to treat their partners the same way in the future.


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## Jellybeans

whywhywhy said:


> Can't afford daycare for 4 kids....they are all young


Ok but you can get a job. Don't excuse that away at all. And you can get child support.


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## questar1

How sadly amusing to read much of my own story in yours. When I got pregnant w/ my first, his reaction was not, "Oh wow!" but "It isn't mine." Huh??? 
Continued that way for another 15 years. 
I loved him like crazy too--until I left. Which is when his real self truly unleashed. It's a miracle I am alive. And the 3 kids, too. Went from jealous words to jealous rage.
Finally had him dx'ed as BPD. Jealousy Disorder my eye. 
So, cut to the chase. In the end, and there will be an end, you will in fact take that partially-packed suitcase, maybe the kids and maybe not depending on how long you wait and how scared you are by then, move somewhere awful and get your act together--job, friends, alternatives that you haven't even considered.
You might even get the house back (I did) and the kids (I did). 
But know this: The kids DO know, and it DOES affect them, and you (and they) WILL have to deal with surviving insanity. I'm six years out, and still making progress, mostly due to having married, after the divorce-from-hell, a wonderful man who is the exact opposite of that craziness. (Our first year of marriage was a classic case of managing my PTSD. Who knew that lurked inside me after holding so much together all those years?)
You deserve better.
So do your kids. 
It's not a life.
Good luck.


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## See_Listen_Love

<<I really just came here to vent' I am aware that only I can fix this. I can choose to stand by his crazy **** and learn to tune it out, I can leave. Time puts you were you need to be. I just needed to vent after a long night of drama. Thanks all>>

No No! You are not the only one who can fix this, Uptown, Jellybeans and questar1 give you valuable information and advise. Don't overlook the possibility people here can help you. I have seen it happen here. You need a place to talk, and people with experience are sometimes more important than the counselors. They can look with you to what they say, and offer alternatives.


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## 45188

I stay logged onto msn at all times, so I can talk to my husband at work. He snuck msn onto his work computer to talk to me. We literally talk all day every day for 7 years and he's still accusing me of it. I told him the other day I wanted to watch the walking dead because I was a fan of the boondock saints. Same actor! 

Then today I was watching Arrow, and the guy took his shirt off and yeah, he was built. He makes comments about it all the time. He works out constantly out of fear that I'm going to leave him. 

Then he started spending a lot of time with a girl online. Cut off now, I'm not getting into that because I still get angry thinking about it.

To make him more secure I removed every guy off my facebook I wasn't related to. I'm very loving. I'm kind of sick of walking on Eggshells too. 2 kids, 7 years together. But you know what? I love him enough to put up with it. I don't even have a smartphone because it'd make him insecure.


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## Jellybeans

Kipani, that's hardly a marriage/relationship. Sucks.


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## DayDream

kipani said:


> Then he started spending a lot of time with a girl online. Cut off now, I'm not getting into that because I still get angry thinking about it.


Hmmm...so he is projecting guilt onto you...


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## 45188

DayDream said:


> Hmmm...so he is projecting guilt onto you...


 He's stuck to his no contact and she has too. Its been I think a month now. I just keep hoping like the op that maybe it'll pass.


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## Jellybeans

Hope is always the last thing to die.

Feel sad for you guys. Stuck, by your own choice, in these relationships where you are totally unhappy, with a partner who does nothing but make you feel bad.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion

This is probably my last post on this site so I am sorry if I sound a little disillusioned.

It strikes me it is easy to say every one has a choice and the implication is that they are at fault for staying in a situation that they have described the bad side of.

I personally do not know the answer to that but I urge you to read over what she says eg Hope64 had a brother who could accommodate her family for 2 weeks but WWW has no-one. It is not clear that she would be able to have a job. (In a convent?) She has four kids and does not describe his hours. I would love to throw in suggestions to feel I was doing something even if they are all shots in the dark and they might bounce off but I would rather that she felt safe to open up about her situation and see what genuine glimmers there are to work on. Perhaps WWW, you can make plans for when the kids start school or whatever and just keep checking that they are realistic enough to work but accept that you don't have to get everything right first time if they don't. 

I personally feel that your society should really develop services that allow women with kids to escape abusive situations to secret refuges with appropriate support if these do not exist there. If they do a site like this should prominently link to them and a specialist abuse moderator should jump in to appropriate threads to support and direct users but I am a guy so it is none of my business. At least you had a forum to share your vent. Keep venting but please everyone, let her vent without jumping on her. I have had my share of venting and good support to do it in private so I don't think anyone should underestimate the value of it before any problem solving or action planning can be faced. Bye TAM!

if interested see Erin Pizzey Wiki


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## Poet

Hi. Hope this comes accross OK...it's my first post after lurking for a long while  

Are you (what your husband would consider) much more attractive than he is? Or are you more confident in daily interaction with people in general? Maybe he's feeling in adequate?

Have you tried to approach this nightmare from the perspective that he is NOT enjoying being like this? Maybe he is in so much pain to the extent that he's blind to the damage he's causing to your life and the kids?

Is there any part of you he can really feel is completely his? A special look or positive connection that you never have with anyone else (in any kind of relationships/social encounter)?

Is there any history of you being unfaithful in previous relationships that he is aware of?

He is being pathetic - but IMO don't ever tell him that. He already knows at this stage! Showing that you want him to get through his problems for HIS benefit as much as yours and the kid's would give him something to work for. Surely you all want him to be the greatest man in the world. He's your man and he is the father of your kids. You can't do it for him, but you can show you want it 

Give him some time and when you feel he is strong enough, gradually introduce some normality back in to your own social life.

These views were directed by your comments- "When he is great, he is great" and that there is nowhere else for you to go.


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## costa200

This is not about Jealousy. This is mental illness.


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## gatorgirl17

I am going through the same thing. I have never cheated on my husband, never even thought about it. We had the marriage that others were jealous of up until a few years ago. He silently had these suspicions that I was cheating on him with our best friend couple. and then this summer he started accusing me. He has used voice recorders in the bedroom and in my car. He constantly questions my every move. He tracks me on find my iPhone and just to prove to him that I am not doing anything I have let him have full access - let him record me and check my phone and emails. I have nothing to hide. Yet it is never good enough. If I shave in the morning he assumes it is because I am meeting up with someone that day, If I paint my nails it because I'm doing it for someone else. It is constant harassment and he just will not see what he is doing. He is ruining our family over ridiculous thoughts and there is no reasoning with him. If I tell him that I think he needs help he gets enraged. No matter what I do or say it is never good enough to convince him that I am a faithful wife. I also feel weak for letting him put me though this. I just keep hoping that someday he will see that I have been telling the truth this whole time and then we can have a great marriage again. However its been going on so long now that I am starting to feel that there is no hope. I don't want to leave, I just want my husband back. We have been married for 21 years and he was never like this before. I don't understand any of this and I don't know what to do. My heart is broken. If I try to tell him how badly he is hurting me he turns it around about how much he is hurt; but he is hurt because of his own irrational thinking. I've done nothing. What should I do?


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## Ghost Rider

gatorgirl17 said:


> I am going through the same thing. I have never cheated on my husband, never even thought about it. We had the marriage that others were jealous of up until a few years ago. He silently had these suspicions that I was cheating on him with our best friend couple. and then this summer he started accusing me. He has used voice recorders in the bedroom and in my car. He constantly questions my every move. He tracks me on find my iPhone and just to prove to him that I am not doing anything I have let him have full access - let him record me and check my phone and emails. I have nothing to hide. Yet it is never good enough. If I shave in the morning he assumes it is because I am meeting up with someone that day, If I paint my nails it because I'm doing it for someone else. It is constant harassment and he just will not see what he is doing. He is ruining our family over ridiculous thoughts and there is no reasoning with him. If I tell him that I think he needs help he gets enraged. No matter what I do or say it is never good enough to convince him that I am a faithful wife. I also feel weak for letting him put me though this. I just keep hoping that someday he will see that I have been telling the truth this whole time and then we can have a great marriage again. However its been going on so long now that I am starting to feel that there is no hope. I don't want to leave, I just want my husband back. We have been married for 21 years and he was never like this before. I don't understand any of this and I don't know what to do. My heart is broken. If I try to tell him how badly he is hurting me he turns it around about how much he is hurt; but he is hurt because of his own irrational thinking. I've done nothing. What should I do?


Hi Gatorgirl, I would strongly encourage you to start a new thread where you will get more attention and advice. Please post this same thing in a new thread. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've been through it too and I know how hard it is.


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## lifeistooshort

Gatorgirl, please start your own thread.....this one is 5 years old. You will get far more help that way.

It is now closed.


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