# Considering divorce. Possible serial cheater



## Ryan122 (8 mo ago)

Hi 
About five years ago I felt like something was off in marriage. Things felt different in the bedroom. He admitted to both an emotional and physical affair, but said he was angry and misspoke. 

I started snooping and lots of phone calls to other women. He said he doesn't know these woman. Also I have called work and his boss seemed like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't. 

One of the women lives close to his work. 

Idk if I should keep snooping or leave him. He is lying and I know it. I don't know if I can ever trust him.

Any help appreciated


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well, if you need proof, you can always get a PI on his trail. I bet with all this, it wouldn't take them long to find out proof you need.
If you do NOT need that sort of hard proof, you can just divorce him. You don't have to prove to HIM that he is cheating -- he already knows this.
The fact that he is gaslighting you about phone calls to women that he made -- that he doesn't know? Wow. Pure BS.

Maybe try to get his boss on the line again and prod a bit for info? You know he cheated once -- what were the consequences to him for that and having you reconcile with him? If that was rug swept, he probably figured he got away with it and you did nothing, so he could continue....

BTW, NONE of this is your fault. You didn't cause him to cheat or make him do this. Cheating is 100% on the cheater.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You only need proof enough for you. Not do you need any permission to file for divorce.
No one can make you a chump but you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Have you really been snooping for 5 years? What is taking you so long to make up your mind? The minute he confessed to a PA I would have needed wholesale changes & a great deal of transparency to be willing to stick around & try to rebuild a marriage. The excuse that he didn't know these women in his phone was clearly a bald faced lie. I might be able to get past 1 night of betrayal but not an on-going relationship & absolutely not a lie of that magnitude.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Ryan122 said:


> Hi
> About five years ago I felt like something was off in marriage. Things felt different in the bedroom. He admitted to both an emotional and physical affair, but said he was angry and misspoke.
> 
> I started snooping and lots of phone calls to other women. He said he doesn't know these woman. Also I have called work and his boss seemed like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't.
> ...


I agree with others. After 5 years of this, you know what you know. Would more evidence convince you more? Are you holding on to a kind of hope?

My advice, if you can't trust him, know he's lying, and believe he is cheating... stop putting yourself through more of the same bs. Consult with a lawyer, find out your options, and file for divorce, all without a word to him. When you have him served, make sure your exit plan is in place.

Once you are apart, then you can look at your options from a different viewpoint. But while you are under his (lying) control... you won't even be able to think clearly on some of these hard questions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

“Something better awaits you on the other side of fear.” - author unknown

I’ve always liked that quote because it’s often painfully true. Five years is a long time to wait for someone to treat you with respect. Sometimes we stay in toxic situations because it’s familiar and the unknown should you leave him, is somewhat scary. But, it’s always the better choice if you’re involved in a toxic relationship with a liar.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ryan122 said:


> . I don't know if I can ever trust him.


Without trust you have nothing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ryan122 said:


> Hi
> About five years ago I felt like something was off in marriage. Things felt different in the bedroom. He admitted to both an emotional and physical affair, but said he was angry and misspoke.
> 
> I started snooping and lots of phone calls to other women. He said he doesn't know these woman. Also I have called work and his boss seemed like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't.
> ...


Yes, you do know if you can trust him. You don't need permission to leave someone who is lying and cheating. This is why we changed divorce laws, so men like this couldn't rely on being able to prevent "proof" and force women to stay in bad marriages. Get tested for STDs and go see an attorney.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ryan122 said:


> Hi
> About five years ago I felt like something was off in marriage. Things felt different in the bedroom. He admitted to both an emotional and physical affair, but said he was angry and misspoke.
> 
> I started snooping and lots of phone calls to other women. He said he doesn't know these woman. Also I have called work and his boss seemed like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't.
> ...


"Yes, dear! I'm a cheater! I had emotional and physical affairs! But not really! Say, why don't you believe me?" 

How did his confession come about? 

Was it a genuine confession or something said in the heat of the moment, designed to wound in the instant, without actually considering the long term impact?

It's perhaps like when a wife is having a blazing row with their husband and says "You aren't the father of my child!" in order to hurt him, but not understanding that there's no returning from such a remark? Apart from DNA testing, of course.

A lie detector might help also marital counselling, because you have lived through five years of hell because a) Your husband is a cheater or b) because he said something that broke your heart.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Sounds like there are no children. That should make it easier.  I agree with everyone else - time to move on from this mess he is a bad husband.


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