# Curious



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife hasn't slept in our bed in 2 years supposedly due to my snoring. We haven't had sex in a year. I asked her to come to bed with me and she looked like she was walking the Green Mile. Now on several occasions I have seen where she was checking my phone. My question is why is she checking up on me? Why should she care what I'm up to? I haven't done anything.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

When you allow your hurt to enable you to assign intentions to why she does what she does (eg. "she doesn't care"), it is perfectly natural to not at all understand. 

What did she say when you asked her?

Or is that rhetorical?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> When you allow your hurt to enable you to assign intentions to why she does what she does (eg. "she doesn't care"), it is perfectly natural to not at all understand.
> 
> What did she say when you asked her?
> 
> ...


Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Thound said:


> Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


Okay.

So does it actually matter that she is doing what she is doing?

If not, why ask?

And if it does matter, how does that reconcile with the quoted above?

ETA: I'm not trying to be difficult or insulting, as it sounded that way upon rereading. But I am genuinely curious. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thound said:


> Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


If you have nothing to lose, why play cautious?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Okay.
> 
> So does it actually matter that she is doing what she is doing?
> 
> ...


I guess I'm wondering does she care more than she lets on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Likely in the ways in which she is capable...which is not necessarily the ways which lead you to feel loved. 

Perhaps you should ask her.

"Wife, your actions tell me you stopped caring for me a couple of years ago...and I accept that. Yet I'm genuinely curious why you are checking up on me."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Likely in the ways in which she is capable...which is not necessarily the ways which lead you to feel loved.
> 
> Perhaps you should ask her.
> 
> ...


Reasonable, but I feel she hasn't cared for the past 17 years.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Projection? 

Man, I gotta go back and dig through the archives, but that’s my first guess, cuz, ya, it’s odd.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe she is looking for an excuse to divorce you. You say she hasn't cared for years, maybe that's true, but she has been too weak to end the marriage and she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. By checking up on you she is hoping to find something, like a text or call from an unknown woman, something that would give her the basis to end the marriage and place the blame on you.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Cooper said:


> Maybe she is looking for an excuse to divorce you. You say she hasn't cared for years, maybe that's true, but she has been too weak to end the marriage and she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. By checking up on you she is hoping to find something, like a text or call from an unknown woman, something that would give her the basis to end the marriage and place the blame on you.


This^


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a difference between sleeping in different beds, which may make sense for reasons like snoring, and not having sex. 

Have you talked to her about the lack of sex? Does she have a reason? Has she always been like this, or did it change at some point?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

uhtred said:


> There is a difference between sleeping in different beds, which may make sense for reasons like snoring, and not having sex.
> 
> Have you talked to her about the lack of sex? Does she have a reason? Has she always been like this, or did it change at some point?


We are old


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thound said:


> Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


No one to blame for this except yourself dude.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> No one to blame for this except yourself dude.


Yes!
Go to the sleep lab and get a CPAP machine.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may not care but she doesn't want you with anyone else. That's why she's checking. The connection between you was lost long ago and she has no interest in fixing it. Since neither of you want a divorce (for religious reasons, at least on your part, IIRC), you're both just marking time. Unfortunately, that's not uncommon. Since it is what it is, you need to focus on other things that will make you happy because your relationship with her isn't going to.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> We are old


That's one way of looking at it. The other is that you're getting older. You're not dead yet.

You seem so resigned to things continuing as-is, I have to ask, why are you here? If you're hoping for something better, come out and say so. If you'd like what you seem to believe are your final years to include a meaningful relationship with someone, say that. 

A question: Why are you still married? Momentum? Somebody marking the days until they die has pretty much rolled to a stop. No momentum. Things really can't get much worse. 

And finally- how old is "old?"

But seriously, tell us, why are you here?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

She’s not sleeping with you for two years and checking your phone?

She thinks you’re cheating because SHE is cheating. No sex because she’s getting serviced by another man.

Install a VAR, hidden cameras, monitoring software on her phone and computers, DNA test the children and grandchildren, get an STI test and contact a family law attorney.

Or just kick back in the recliner and watch Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and old Matlock reruns until you die.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thound said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > There is a difference between sleeping in different beds, which may make sense for reasons like snoring, and not having sex.
> ...


In which age decade are you? 50s? 60s? 70s? 80s?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thound said:


> Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


Then why are you here?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

IUsedToBeMarduk said:


> Then why are you here?


Don't really know. Boredom maybe. I said I was just marking ti.e.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Livvie said:


> In which age decade are you? 50s? 60s? 70s? 80s?


Almost 60s


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> She’s not sleeping with you for two years and checking your phone?
> 
> She thinks you’re cheating because SHE is cheating. No sex because she’s getting serviced by another man.
> 
> ...


Already thoroughly investigated that


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thound said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > In which age decade are you? 50s? 60s? 70s? 80s?
> ...


So you are in your 50s, and you are waiting to die? You have decades left!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Thound aside from not having a sexual relationship, do you and your wife get along? Do you have a friendship?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If you are done with living for yourself, try living for others. The world needs healing. Our communication with one another is as bad as it's ever been and stills seems to be trending downward. You can still loath yourself, your life, and very existence while simultaneously becoming a beacon of hope for others. Its better than marking time at least.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> She’s not sleeping with you for two years and checking your phone?
> 
> She thinks you’re cheating because SHE is cheating. No sex because she’s getting serviced by another man.
> 
> ...


You forgot single malt.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thound said:


> Almost 60s


I'm 48 and Mrs. Conan is 59.

Can't say your mindset is understood or appreciated.

I think you should get health help and go live.

Why not?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thound said:


> Don't really know. Boredom maybe. I said I was just marking ti.e.




Yes you do. 

You only find answers that you actually seek.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> Almost 60s


You're not even 60 yet and feel like you're just marking time and ready to die? You think you're "old" in your 50s???

Despite some pretty heavy issues my wife and I have had, long-term and recent, we are having the best sex of our lives at 63 & 62. Seriously. 

Let's flip things around. Pretend your wife is here, posting about you. What would she say?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Thound said:
> 
> 
> > You're not even 60 yet and feel like you're just marking time and ready to die? You think you're "old" in your 50s???
> ...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CraigBesuden said:


> Be careful. There are rules about implying the OP isn’t being straightforward.


Thank you, I will immediately go back and rephrase!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Lila said:


> @Thound aside from not having a sexual relationship, do you and your wife get along? Do you have a friendship?


Very close as far as friends go. We usually get along great but every so often I get the passive aggressive silent treatment.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Livvie said:


> So you are in your 50s, and you are waiting to die? You have decades left!


Will you guarantee that? I have been working in chemical plants and refineries since I was 18. I've seen family and friends die young from cancer, ALS, and other maladies


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> Thank you, I will immediately go back and rephrase!


Sorry I really don't see a problem with the statement or opinion


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> Sorry I really don't see a problem with the statement or opinion


I originally appeared to question the sincerity of your post, which, even though I thought I was joking, wasn't appropriate. TAM rules exist for a reason. Neither I nor others here have walked in your shoes. We may have covered some of the same territory, but it's wrong to make light of something in someone's first post. It was good for me to be reminded by CraigBesuden.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thound said:


> Actually I don't hurt anymore. I'm just marking time until I die.


And... you need therapy. Seriously.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> And... you need therapy. Seriously.



I do not believe that he actually believes that he is waiting to die. 

If this were true, he would not be here. Him being here is a cry for help. He either cannot or will not actually ask for it.

The highest probability that I see is that he’s feeling sorry for himself and wants us to feel sorry for him, too.

So, OP, I feel sorry for you. It sucks to be you.

Now what? Are you going to lean into this and do some work?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marduk said:


> I do not believe that he actually believes that he is waiting to die.
> 
> If this were true, he would not be here. Him being here is a cry for help. He either cannot or will not actually ask for it.
> 
> ...


Nope. He is serious. He doesn't want to kill himself, but he doesn't, especially, mind the idea of being dead.

It's depression. Been there, done that, didn't want the t-shirt.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Marduk said:


> I do not believe that he actually believes that he is waiting to die.
> 
> If this were true, he would not be here. Him being here is a cry for help. He either cannot or will not actually ask for it.
> 
> ...


1st of all I have cried my last tear for my own predicament.
2. I know I have the key to my own prision.
3. I want to retire next year, and I can't afford a stock split.
4. I don't want to miss any opportunities to see my grandchildren 
5. I am the only one of my brothers and sister not to be divorced
6. I made a vow to God!
All I wanted to know is some thoughts on why she would look at my phone. I used to post quite frequently here. Now I remember why I quit.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

- See a doctor for depression. It’s treatable.

- Go to marriage counseling with your wife. Work on falling in love again.

- You can have sex without sleeping in the same bed.

- Depressed people waiting to die are not sexy. You can’t blame your wife for not finding that attractive. People who are alive, fun, outgoing and curious are sexy. Find a new hobby and throw yourself into it.

- 50s and 60s can, and should, be sexy.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Thound said:


> 3. I want to retire next year, and I can't afford a stock split.


So you’d have to work a couple more years, or have a part-time job, if you divorced? What price is your happiness?



> 4. I don't want to miss any opportunities to see my grandchildren [


Understood.



> 5. I am the only one of my brothers and sister not to be divorced


That’s not necessarily a reason to stay married.



> All I wanted to know is some thoughts on why she would look at my phone.


You are acting strangely and she wants to understand why. Is she asking you why you’re acting strangely? Does she ask you what you are thinking and you say “nothing”?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Aidos


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Thound said:


> Aidos


Hasta luego, wey.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thound said:


> 1st of all I have cried my last tear for my own predicament.
> 
> 2. I know I have the key to my own prision.
> 
> ...




1 and 2 - I’ll ask again, then why are you here? I’m hoping you’re here because you want to act. 

3. If this is true, you are selling the remainder of your life. Is this a good deal?

4. Do your grandchildren get the best from you? Can they while you’re in this mindset and situation?

5. I’m not sure what to say to that. 

6. I’m not a religious guy. But I can relate to making a vow. I take vows very seriously. I am not talking about breaking a vow. I’m taking about seeing your life more clearly, and then acting on the insights that you find. 

You have one life. I want you to live it. If you want me to stop posting on your thread I will, but I want you to see that it does not have to be that way.

She may have been worried about you. She may have been insecure. She may have been cheating herself and that’s part of the paranoia that can come of it. We’re all shooting in the dark here. 

Live well, man.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> Aidos


Sorry to see you go. If you're still lurking, consider that, in the real world, 80% of EVERYTHING is crap. I discovered the universiality of this in a college english class, where the teacher was saying Science Fiction wasn't legit literature because 80% of it was crap. I challenged her to support the idea that it was any different in whatever other field of literature she chose. She couldn't. She was dumbfounded. The same thing holds true in business, in relationships, in everything. You have to look for that 20% that is worth your while. That's just the way things are. 

I honestly believe that TAM has a much better crap ratio than most though. But still, if you're looking for nothing but support, noting but relevance to your situation, you're going to find that tough going... anywhere. 

I really do wish you the best of luck. And I'm sad that some younger folk here can't learn a thing or two about warning signs you've passed along the way to getting to your present sad situation. And also naively believe that some of us here, perhaps even myself, could have given you some help, a different perspective yes, but a perspective that came from a place similar to where you are now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Thound take care. We will be here for you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Thound said:


> Almost 60s


WTF?? You call 60s old??

You made it sound like you're above 85... 

"until I die..." :|

Divorce and get a better wife. Yesterday!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Thound said:


> Aidos


Dude, this better be temporary....seriously.

Once the peanut gallery clears out, it's back to old times, fist bump.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thound said:


> Very close as far as friends go. We usually get along great but every so often I get the passive aggressive silent treatment.


It's good to hear that you two are very close friends. Have you been less "Friendly" or involved lately? Have you changed your behavior around her? If so, this may be the reason why she's checking your phone.


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