# sweet, or being manipulated?



## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

So, my husband (we are seperated) started texting me the other night, and it began with "sorry for wasting the last 15 years of your life" and it turned into him coming over, us disagreeing for 2 hours; how he won't go to counseling b/c they are only after money; and how I'm rude because I act "indifferent" around him and he needs attention from me.

It ended with me giving in and having sex with him, and he leaves. I don't hear from him all night, and then today is Valentines Day. A day I loathe, regardless of this situation. He has never been a romantic, and he doesn't give flowers (they die); he doesn't give cards because they are a waste of money. This is for any occasion. I don't get any of these things for 15 years.

Tonight he shows up at my kickboxing class and gives me a potted plant, chocolates, and a card. 

It's nice, it is. Friday I was ready to file for divorce, Sunday we were arguing all day, and ended up having sex (partly b/c this was a way for me to make him stop talking). 

I just can't help but wonder if I'm being manipulated, or if he is really turning the corner? 

**In case you don't know my story, my husband has a history of being controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive...**


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Hey, maybe I could try that, one last fling with the ex !

My ex would have not let me in the front door.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This sounds like pretty classic behavior for someone who is controlling and abusive. He wants you willing to put up with almost anything, and if it takes a box of chocolates every 15 years or so, well, he may not like it but he'll do it. 

Do you see how this looks from the outside? His attitude towards therapy says he is smarter than MILLIONS of people who find therapy very useful. It says he does NOT want to change. And no, his behavior doesn't indicate change in the direction you want. 

Unless he agrees to counseling and works consistently on the therapist's suggestions and otherwise demonstrates a real commitment to change, I suspect you would be wasting your time to get back with him. Are you in counseling to help you develop perspective? The fact that you don't see his actions as part of the pattern of abusers is worrisome; you need to be better educated on it and a therapist can help you with that. Otherwise you will continue to be a victim, to him or someone else. Good luck.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Yes, I'm in therapy. It has been very helpful. The part that is hard for me is that I have believed in him for a long time, and it's taken me 2 years of understanding that he is controlling and abusive, and it's not all me. 

Thanks for the input...I do feel that I have made some gains though. To even suggest that he is manipulating me is a step that is huge for me; one that I wouldn't have believed in the past. 

The sex part he is playing with my emotions; as I'm emotionally connected to sex vs. physically connected.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

and re-reading my post I see how bad it looks. Ugh.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, good for you for even suspecting the manipulation, then, and I'm glad therapy is helping. Yes, cutting the sex would be essential, it seems, for you to disconnect so you can begin to heal. It sounds like he cannot be trusted to consider what is good for you, so be extra vigilant. If there are no kids, just cut all contact and ties. If you can relocate--even just another home, maybe commute to work, that would help, too. Best of luck.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Turn the tables on him...tell him sex only after a couples therapy session...

okay, just kidding...been awhile for me and I'd agree to almost anything...

Yes, he is controlling you, even just talking constantly is a controlling measure...the more he can talk, the more he learns what can manipulte you at that point of time...be strong, if he wants to talk, let him talk on the front door step...let him talk when you have friends present...keep things where you have some control, some support...

God Bless...


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

@sisters: We have 3 kids; so I can't cut all ties. They are pretty active, and 2 have special needs so we need to communicate for their interest.

@DJF: 
I like your ideas...how do I tell him that even these actions are controlling??? 

I totally wish I could pack up the kids and runaway, but I can't. ugh.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

why do you have to tell him anything when you are just trying to take care of yourself and you kids??? He is a minipulater and a controller, if you tell him your plans, he will just work to stay one step a head of you...

It is tough to out manipulate a manipulator...but not impossible...don't get in long discussions--answer with short answrs/interupt him constantly...meet in public places...power in numbers on your side...keep your clothes on...

keep your head up...be strong...


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

But everytime I'm direct and answer in short sentences he tells me I'm rude for being indifferent. 

I respond with "we are seperated, living seperate lives. You went and got your own bank account, own PO Box. Why do I have to give you anything more than that?" and he was just relentless on this. It was back and forth texts, and then he just showed up at the house (he had our son overnight, and was bringing him home).

Which, by the way, he hardly takes all three kids at once. I asked him to take them Friday night so I could go out to the movies with some girlfriends, plus, my daughters miss him (he spends a lot of time with my son due to hockey). He said if we have a night off, we should be going on a date. I said I didn't want that. He said that we should do something as a family, and I said no to that too. So, he wouldn't watch the kids. 

Again, controlling. 

I know all of this when I write it down...again, ugh.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Wow, are you living my life? Except my H, doesn't take the kids he comes over to my house and wants us to go out as a family...:scratchhead: My H was also emotionally and verbally abusive, even now I get called every name under the sun, and it's all my fault, he wants a divorce, why would he want to be with someone like me... until he calms down of course.. then I get 'Can we just see how we go' talk... We've been together 15 years, I wonder how we made it through this long.

We haven't had sex since a week after he left, which is now 3.5 months ago, I haven't tried it on and neither has he. 
My H won't consider councilling, he has aspergers, adhd and suffers from depression at times, and wont even go to the Doctors, he see's it as weak I imagine, he won't even tell me why he won't go... apart from, he doesn't see the point right now, due to him not knowing if he wants this marriage or not.

On V day, I didn't get anything, apart from a text saying Happy V Day, but I did get some roses from someone (still don't know who) and he did seem very put out, last night he went out with a friend and I said to him, whilst we are seperated are we being 100% faithful to one another?.. He said Yes. I don't know if he now fears that someone else is interested in me and I am getting on with my life, and I'm not going to be waiting on him forever or what?! 

I sent him a msg this morning saying 'We miss you (we have 3 children also) have a nice day, looking forward to Friday' 

Got nothing in return, I was trying to do something positive, but I wonder why I bother! And maybe I should just give up!

Wish we could read what was going through their tiny brains!


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

@amImad:

He wont take all three kids, because he never wants me to be alone. That part scares him. I too, have been accused of meeting up with guys, and was told by him that if we break up I will jump in the arms of the first guy that pays attention to me, because that's who I am...um, thanks. Really. 

sorry, but we sound like we may be married to narcissists. I'm learning as I go...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

jmfabulous said:


> @amImad:
> 
> He wont take all three kids, because he never wants me to be alone. That part scares him. I too, have been accused of meeting up with guys, and was told by him that if we break up I will jump in the arms of the first guy that pays attention to me, because that's who I am...um, thanks. Really.
> 
> sorry, but we sound like we may be married to narcissists. I'm learning as I go...


Funny thats how my H acts, he knows there is a male friend who is interested in me, but I have made it clear that I love and want my H. Every time there is a row, he says I want a divorce, now you can go and **** Curt... coz that's what I want to do...

Today my H told me he wants the divorce, I didn't give him the big crying reaction that I think he was expecting, I said if that's what you want etc.. (although I sobbed my heart out after) 
I got flowers and a V Day card (still have no idea who from) and my H was quite snippy about it.. but he shouldn't care, he doesn't love me.. So my plan is now to Plan B, ignore, ignore, ignore. Let his little brain tick away. He'll either think Sh*t I love her and fight for me, or he wont bother and I'll have moved on more.


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. I am the a$$hole in the relationship - the one who has been verbally abusive and selfish sexually and really missed the boat on how to be a great husband. (Enough of the time at least for that to be the lasting impression.) I am also romantic and passionate and believe my gifts and love notes and sexual attention and commitment have to count for something. For almost a year my wife has been telling me that she will go somewhere else to get love and that our relationship is ending for her at least. I only started taking her and the loss of our marriage seriously in January when she asked me to find another place to live. It was like electro-shock therapy. Suddenly my world was clear --a fog I had been living in was gone and the only thing that mattered to me was fixing our marriage. I started a journal and got control of my verbal outbursts. I started buying roses long before Valentine's day and for that day bought a fancy scented candle, some very expensive face cream she loves, two dozen roses and lilies, chocolates, and made sure the kids, her, and I all had dinner at a nice restaurant. I also made her a gift of a cartoon she loves where she is a woodland creature and I care for her.


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

Over the last 7 weeks I feel we have grown farther apart not closer. I don't want to move out, but even if I was to honor her request, we are not able to have two residences because any extra money we have is going to her new business venture. Her business venture allows her to go out late at night and be around many glamorous people who shower her with affection and attention. I stay home and care for the kids and cry. I know I was wrong and I am fixing what was broken, but anytime I ask for her to give me a chance she says she doesn't want to make the same mistake again. She hasn't kissed me since January 5th 2011 (although she had sex with me 'just for fun' 3 weeks ago). She stopped wearing her ring 5 months ago or so and she will not put it on when I ask her to. She said she never wanted to be married- that I talked her into it. Mostly she doesn't say anything. I blather and blather at her about how I could be her lover and a good father at least even if she needs to spend most of her time out of the house for work. She scoffs at me and tells me I am badgering her. I am so attracted to her it is insane! Anytime she is within 10 feet of me I am aroused and think of nothing but having sex. What is tragic is off and on over the years, I slipped into a fog where I didn't feel that way. I am so stupid to have ignored my feelings and been prideful and hurt her so!
She says she doesn't know what she wants next, but I believe as soon as she has some money she will find a way for one of us to move out.


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

I believe in counseling and asked her to go with me and she answered: "no. sorry." I am going to group meetings now. (I am a survivor of incest and many of the issues we struggle with in our marriage have ties to that background. I used to go but stopped way too soon) I love my wife and will do anything to have her wear the ring and kiss me and make love to me again. I am alone so much lately with her new business and the social life she has chosen that stems from it keeping her out sometimes all night long that we are almost separated anyway. Almost every night she does come home and two nights last week she laid her head on my chest and let me hold her which was glorious! I don't understand how she can do that at night and the next morning look right through me and leave the house without kissing me on the cheek. I want to convince her that 7 weeks of my constant attention to this circumstance means something and that I am not lying about how I feel or how committed I am. Sadly, she says her love for me is gone - 'that ship has sailed'. She doesn't find me attractive anymore. - but she had sex with me for fun?!??!
I am writing to this forum because two of you sound like you may have husbands similar to me -who have yelled too much and over-reacted about money and stupid things. what I am hoping for is your perspective - as I said to my wife: do you wish them gone or do you wish them better? I am committed to being better and only need for her to wish me so and enjoy what I see as a great opportunity we now have to make our marriage better than ever.


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

In the meanwhile, she spends as much time away from me as possible and so the few minutes we do see each other when she isn't texting her new friends or business associates with a big grin on her face, I struggle to not offend her by asking the pressing questions that are killing me: What do you think will happen next month? What will happen if you make some money - will you leave? will it be forever? Do you want a divorce? what about the kids? Will you let me make love to you? All my questions go unanswered and she buries her face in her phone or computer or asks me some unrelated question. I am in limbo. I want to believe that my efforts have some meaning- some effect on reality outside my head, but she seems to not believe that I am sincere or capable of repairing what is broken. I don't know that I can ever get used to this uncertainty. Today she said maybe I should find some other woman to have sex with. I challenged her and asked if she really wanted me to completely destroy the fabric of our relationship and she didn't answer me. She had an affair a few years back but came back to me more passionate and devoted than ever and we had a second wedding ceremony which was beautiful to renew our vows.


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

She says she is not having an affair now and I believe her, but what is weird is that she was always the more sexual one in our relationship and had the bigger appetite for sex. (I love it too, just got lost in a fog due to stress and anxiety [childhood memories] too often). To have her not want sex now and not be cheating on me to get it outside our marriage is a surprise to me. I feel now, like our roles have been reversed and I am the one begging for more love and she is the one working overtime and finding excuses not to deal with me. It hurts so much to be treated this way! I am so sorry I ever took her for granted and made her feel this pain. wow- I really needed to get this out there. I am hoping I can manipulate the whole world into bringing us back together. I believe in marriage and I believe in a one-true love. I met my wife 20 years ago and fell in love in the first moment. I love her now more than ever and don't want to lose the chance to show her and give back to her all she gave me for so long... Do I have to let her go?


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