# Finding The Strength To End a Dead Marriage



## grenville

The best I can describe my 20 year marriage is as being dead. I've gradually come to realise I don't love or even really respect my wife. She says she loves me, but I think what she actually loves is the idea of someone like me, which is a very different thing. There's very little fighting or open conflict, just the daily grind of living with someone with a total lack of connection. I know I have to end it for both our sakes and for my son - I don't want him to see any more of this horrible disfunctional mess. We've been through IC and MC and all it's done is make me more certain that it's over. The trouble is that I just can't see my way to actually pulling the trigger and dealing with all of the upset - emotional, financial, organisational - that will inevitably cause. 

How did other people here steel themselves to do what needed to be done?


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## Jellybeans

What is the "horrible dysfunction mess?" Because you said there's very little fighting or conflict.

So what is the problem?

If you are done, file and don't string her along.


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## grenville

Jellybeans said:


> What is the "horrible dysfunction mess?" Because you said there's very little fighting or conflict.
> 
> So what is the problem?


Avoidance, crazy communication, all sorts of things - just not open (or loud) disagreement.



Jellybeans said:


> If you are done, file and don't string her along.


Thanks for the advice, but that wasn't quite the question I asked! I know I need to, but it's the act of getting myself over the top that I'm finding impossible.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> How did other people here steel themselves to do what needed to be done?


I realized that staying for all of these years was *MY* choice; a stupid/gutless choice, but *mine* nonetheless. I also realized that the only way our daughter (14yo) was going to get out of here is if *I* take her out. She's too young to leave on her own.

It is a toxic situation and she'll never know what a healthy relationship is if she's only ever seen this mess. We've been modeling poor adult/marital behavior for too long. Now she's old enough to see it and smart enough to understand it (has been for a while now.)

I'm cutting our losses and getting us some IC shortly.


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## grenville

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I realized that staying for all of these years was *MY* choice; a stupid/gutless choice, but *mine* nonetheless. I also realized that the only way our daughter (14yo) was going to get out of here is if *I* take her out. She's too young to leave on her own.
> 
> It is a toxic situation and she'll never know what a healthy relationship is if she's only ever seen this mess. We've been modeling poor adult/marital behavior for too long. Now she's old enough to see it and smart enough to understand it (has been for a while now.)
> 
> I'm cutting our losses and getting us some IC shortly.


Did you feel guilty about leaving your husband, or was he horrible enough that you were able to bypass that issue?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

grenville:

Do it for YOU and do it for YOUR SON. The only marriage he's ever seen is YOURS and if you don't change it, he will have the SAME MARRIAGE and the same misery as you do 20 years from now. 

I know that you don't want THAT for him, but it will be ALL he knows. Get out, get YOURSELF straightened out (you can only ever fix yourself), and start living better. You will then be in a position to teach/show your son how to have a healthy relationship. THEN he will know what he should be looking for/demanding for himself in his adult relationships.

Good luck!


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## BeachGuy

It's a very tough decision. I'm right where you are. The two biggest reasons I'm sill in it are my kids and money. If you truly believe it's over as you say, then you just do it. It'll all get better in time if you do, but if you don't, it may just get worse.

Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Horrible enough that I feel NO GUILT. Emotional and verbal abuse for 2 decades. He's demeaning, dismissive, demanding, raging, and now he's started on our daughter.

Wake up time for Mom!


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## hldnhope

You guys need to sit down and lay it on the line as to how you are currently feeling at least for you sons sake. Maybe it will open your collective eyes as to what is going on...


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## grenville

hldnhope said:


> You guys need to sit down and lay it on the line as to how you are currently feeling at least for you sons sake. Maybe it will open your collective eyes as to what is going on...


I'm done with that to be honest, been there done that multiple times and it leads nowhere other than to more pain. I think I can be a better father to my son in the absence of my wife. I'm already planning on doing all the stuff with him that she shuts down - simple things like watching some TV together (she won't allow cable in the house), going camping (she hates bugs), playing some computer games with him (same category as cable), eating some junk food, the list is endless. The way forward for me is to hold the positives in my head and stop thinking about the downsides.

Thanks to the folks that wished me luck, I'm going for it at the end of next week when I get back from a business trip.


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## trinidadchick

Grenville, I was where you are at for months. I was with my ex 8yrs. And, we're probably ages apart my friend and I feel your plight. Hopefully you have ended this madness? Oh God, I knew mine wasn't right early on. But time, embarrassment, inflicting pain on someone, and good memories kept me going. I also felt like I had invested so much that I couldn't let the bad thing go. Pull the trigger. You'll feel like crap so many days, the good times will come flooding back, you'll say it's worth the work. The only thing that kept me from going back was a rebound I had 5yrs ago when we separated for 3months and how much in love I was. I just kept it in my mind every time my ex begged and cried and asked to work things out. Oh Lord, just pull through all of that and get someone else till you're dead. You won't regret it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hey, Trinidadchick!

I know Grenville & Beach Guy still post here on TAM.

Can't speak for them, but *I* got out in May. I left my STBXH in May 2012 and moved back to my home state. Currently I have a job for the first time in 10 years, I'm helping my elderly parents and really enjoying my life (I'm HAPPY) for the first time in a LONG TIME.

My now-15yo decided to stay with STBXH to finish high school (1/2 way through). We text, call, email, Skype and she knows she's ALWAYS welcome to live with me.

WHAT ABOUT IT GRENVILLE & BEACH GUY...did *YOU* make the leap, too? [No judgement if you didn't!]


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## unbelievable

You've made up your mind to leave, but maybe you don't have to divorce to get your life back. Just quit giving in to her. You want cable, put in cable. You want to play video games, play video games. You want to eat fried pork rinds instead of nuts and berries, eat the pork rinds. Her head won't explode. She's already detached, so if she gives you the silent treatment, not much has changed. You might be surprised. Maybe she develops new respect for you and will find your strength alluring. You've got 20 years invested and that's a whole lot to walk away from if there's any other way. You and your son go camping or do whatever else it is you would like to do. Wife might get tired of watching the paint dry at home alone and want to come along.


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## trinidadchick

Slowlygettingwiser!!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, I LEFT. I left the same month as you did. And, i'm pretty proud of you. My ex was a manipulative pig. Never physical but oh goodness, was it emotional. I wanted him so badly to have an affair so it would end, but I'm sure he doesn't have the gonads to do it. And, I'm pretty sure he just loved the idea of me rather than me and vice versa. God, the union was sexless and loveless. To this day, he still begs. 

We live in IN and he is country born and raised. Thus, he shares the opinion of many here-just stay, work things, through, stick it out, be in something mediocre but never say it, do this, do that, do the other. When something is over, it just is. And, when you are not compatible, you're just not. His parents have been married 35yrs and they are NOT happy. I'm good with all of that nonsense. I think Grenville LEFT his wifey. Pretty proud of him, too. 

I was talking to man who has been married 23yrs. He is 46. He "decided to work things through with his current relationship." He couldn't even say the word wife or the word marriage. I didn't want to judge him, but I did. Then found out he is a business owner and I slowly added things up. I wish him all the luck in the world.


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## wiigirl

unbelievable said:


> You've made up your mind to leave, but maybe you don't have to divorce to get your life back. Just quit giving in to her. You want cable, put in cable. You want to play video games, play video games. You want to eat fried pork rinds instead of nuts and berries, eat the pork rinds. Her head won't explode. She's already detached, so if she gives you the silent treatment, not much has changed. You might be surprised. Maybe she develops new respect for you and will find your strength alluring. You've got 20 years invested and that's a whole lot to walk away from if there's any other way. You and your son go camping or do whatever else it is you would like to do. Wife might get tired of watching the paint dry at home alone and want to come along.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grenville

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> WHAT ABOUT IT GRENVILLE & BEACH GUY...did *YOU* make the leap, too? [No judgement if you didn't!]


Yep, I escaped (I posted on feeling guilty abhout starting to feel happier afterwards too).


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## grenville

unbelievable said:


> You've made up your mind to leave, but maybe you don't have to divorce to get your life back. Just quit giving in to her. You want cable, put in cable. You want to play video games, play video games. You want to eat fried pork rinds instead of nuts and berries, eat the pork rinds. Her head won't explode. She's already detached, so if she gives you the silent treatment, not much has changed. You might be surprised. Maybe she develops new respect for you and will find your strength alluring. You've got 20 years invested and that's a whole lot to walk away from if there's any other way. You and your son go camping or do whatever else it is you would like to do. Wife might get tired of watching the paint dry at home alone and want to come along.


I left and it was for the best in the end. I tried just doing my own thing and ignoring her but it really didn't help. I finally cracked when I was out on a long bike ride - something else she doesn't really approve of for some reason she could never articulate - and I realised I'd rather keep cycling into the evening than go home. I mean, I love cycling, but I also like the bit where you stop, get a shower and then have a nice meal or something afterwards! One of the things I regular consider at work is the concept of sunk cost, I wish I'd learned to apply that more in my private life, then I wouldn't have spent 20 years trying to make right something that wasn't fixable.

I wouldn't say I'm fully through it yet by a long way, but I feel happier than I have in a long while and my relationship with my son is better than ever. It's so much easier to be close to someone when there isn't a permanent black cloud hanging over everything you do with them.


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## trinidadchick

grenville said:


> I left and it was for the best in the end. I tried just doing my own thing and ignoring her but it really didn't help. I finally cracked when I was out on a long bike ride - something else she doesn't really approve of for some reason she could never articulate - and I realised I'd rather keep cycling into the evening than go home. I mean, I love cycling, but I also like the bit where you stop, get a shower and then have a nice meal or something afterwards! One of the things I regular consider at work is the concept of sunk cost, I wish I'd learned to apply that more in my private life, then I wouldn't have spent 20 years trying to make right something that wasn't fixable.
> 
> I wouldn't say I'm fully through it yet by a long way, but I feel happier than I have in a long while and my relationship with my son is better than ever. It's so much easier to be close to someone when there isn't a permanent black cloud hanging over everything you do with them.


Don't worry, I cannot stand my job and I started working more hours because I didn't want to go home. I also just used to drive around and around...because I didn't want to go home. I drank and chained smoke just to cope. It hurt to hurt him, even though we both knew it was over. Now someone will come along that is an actual love match and i'll be with them till i croke.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> We live in IN and he is country born and raised.


We were living in rural IN, now I've moved to the suburbs of Detroit...MUCH prefer it here! Each to his own!

Glad to hear you and your son are doing better, Grenville!
Glad to hear you're out and doing better, TrinidadChick!
Now if BeachGuy is doing better, that would be awesome!

I was chain-smoking the last year I was with STBXH. I quit when I moved! I'm joining a gym this week, too! I look/feel good now, but I'm gonna get better; partly for me and partly to show my teenage daughter that just because you're 50+, you don't have to be dumpy, dowdy, and 1/2 dead!

Not looking to get married again. No more kids for me (55yo). Just want someone to hang out with sometimes: someone who wants to do what *I* want to do 1/2 the time. Someone who still wants to talk, laugh, hold hands, have sex, be crazy, be serious, try new things, be bold, teach me to shoot pool, go to the gun range with me, drive me on his motorcycle (if he has one) and shock the hell out of young people who think that because we're older, we should be home watching Lawrence Welk reruns.

...and I'm afraid that if all *THIS* embarrasses my 15yo, she's just gonna have to be embarrassed!


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## trinidadchick

Slowlygettingwiser!

You really did get out. Girl, I live in South Bend, IN and he is originally from New Carlisle! I don't believe it!  But, I'm Mixed Trinidadian and he is 'Caucasian' American...lol. I tried to be pc about it. She will so be but I think deep down she will be happy for you. God, you did the smoking thing, too? I did both and liquored it up when it was time to do the s thing. I'm 28 and signed up in a gym, too. We back on the market, girl!!! WE need to sell it


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I've got a brother in South Bend!

We lived OUTSIDE A TOWN (not even IN town) of 700 people! 

My 15yo is SO SWEET (deluded, but sweet!) She told me this summer, "Mom, you need to marry a gay guy." She's thinking it would give me companionship and some financial security (2 incomes) which her dad NEVER did.

I bit my tongue and thought, 'there's NO WAY I'm telling her how badly I want to get LAID by someone who GIVES A DAMN about MY enjoyment!' So I just said, "Hmmm, I don't think so, Honey!"

Inside I thought, 'Maybe I'll remind her of THIS conversation just as SHE'S about to get married; then we can BOTH laugh!'


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## trinidadchick

SlowlyGettingWiser, 

I KNOW. I mean the S was terrible and he admitted it to the MC therapist. Like, he admitted everything-what a pig he was, bla bla bla, but still wanted 'us' to work! LOL. Now, I just want to feel connected to someone but I take full responsibility for staying in a relationship with a man i didn't truly love in a way i think a lover should. Girl, i'm just glad i didn't have an affair! i don't know how come i didn't. He did his online EA stuff and by then i didn't give a hoot. [email protected] 15yr old...please don't marry a gay guy. For the love of God. you're gonna get a good man...and you can do common law and be happy.


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## BeachGuy

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Hey, Trinidadchick!
> 
> I know Grenville & Beach Guy still post here on TAM.
> 
> WHAT ABOUT IT GRENVILLE & BEACH GUY...did *YOU* make the leap, too? [No judgement if you didn't!]


Hi SGW...Trinidad. Sad to say I'm still where I was earlier this year. In fact, I stumbled onto this old post trying to figure out just why in the h*ll I can't seem to pull the trigger. It's primarily my kids. I just can't stand the thought of not living with them full time. Every day I watch them wandering around the house, playing, doing homework, fighting (lol) and I think "Leave, and you don't get to see that every day."

As for the OP....maybe he can give us an update?


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## trinidadchick

Beach Guy!  u didn't pull that trigger yet?! but, being so selfless for children..- i have to admire that. if i had children, i would have never left for a long, long, time.


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## BeachGuy

So far, I just can't do it. My children are my world to me. And I know they won't be around forever. They're 13 and 10. My wife never nags or asks me to do anything. I can come and go as I please (although my youngest always wants to know where I'm going and when I'll be back!). So I guess it could be worse.

It's just the lack of a "friend", partner, affection that bites big time.

One day...


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## blahfridge

I feel your pain. I am in a crazy situation myself. My husband had multiple affairs a decade or so ago, but I only just found out more of the truth recently. I knew something was wrong back then, he treated me so poorly, ignoring me, being dismissive, and verbally cruel. He would get so angry when I didn't want to have sex, but it was impossible to desire someone who treated me like crap. He was very controlling with the house, didn't want me to throw anything away to the point that he would wig out if I even tried to recycle the newspapers. He was flying high with his career back then and thought he was entitled to have whatever he wanted from me. Meanwhile, I was struggling with pregnancy losses, the resultant depressions, and a very challenging oldest daughter. I gave up my career to stay home with the kids and I eventually gave up on entertaining because I was embarrassed about the house and he never really helped me with anything around the house. In a fit of contrition, he confessed to one affair seven years ago. I couldn't handle it because at that point we were struggling financially and had elderly, sick parents to care for as well as the kids. I took over the finances and saw what a mess everything was and I went out and got a job. A few years ago, after both our mothers had passed away and the kids were older and more independent, I finally came up for air and started to take better care of myself. I started exercising, lost 20 pounds, connected with old friends and made new ones. I am now in a masters program to get my teaching license. I also became emotionally involved with someone online through a music fan website I joined. My husband suddenly decided that he did care and wanted a relationship again. At that point, we hadn't had sex in five years other than the one time on our 25th anniversary, which was because I thought we should try again. It was that occasion that made me realize that I didn't love or desire him anymore. This happened, by the way, before I started my emotional affair. So, I find out a few months ago that husband had been spying on me with keyloggers on my laptop and the home desktop computer. He had most of the emails and some texts between myself and my friend. I understand on the one hand, because he did it two summers ago with my phone and I said I would stop. I did for a while, but then I started up again. In hindsight, I think I did it because I couldn't handle husband wanting me to love him again and maybe it was my way out, I really don't know. I am in therapy now to try to figure it all out. What I am sure of is that I can't love this man again after everything that's happened. I feel sorry for him now, he has changed in that he's stopped drinking. But his multiple addictions (did I mention the drinking and online porn?), and his passive aggressive personality have permanently changed my feelings. I need to leave but I am afraid for the kids (my youngest is still in high school) and I worry about the finances and that, at 56, I am too old to start over. Sorry for the length here and I hope this makes sense.


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## Sammy64

blahfridge said:


> I feel your pain. I am in a crazy situation myself. My husband had multiple affairs a decade or so ago, but I only just found out more of the truth recently. I knew something was wrong back then, he treated me so poorly, ignoring me, being dismissive, and verbally cruel. He would get so angry when I didn't want to have sex, but it was impossible to desire someone who treated me like crap. He was very controlling with the house, didn't want me to throw anything away to the point that he would wig out if I even tried to recycle the newspapers. He was flying high with his career back then and thought he was entitled to have whatever he wanted from me. Meanwhile, I was struggling with pregnancy losses, the resultant depressions, and a very challenging oldest daughter. I gave up my career to stay home with the kids and I eventually gave up on entertaining because I was embarrassed about the house and he never really helped me with anything around the house. In a fit of contrition, he confessed to one affair seven years ago. I couldn't handle it because at that point we were struggling financially and had elderly, sick parents to care for as well as the kids. I took over the finances and saw what a mess everything was and I went out and got a job. A few years ago, after both our mothers had passed away and the kids were older and more independent, I finally came up for air and started to take better care of myself. I started exercising, lost 20 pounds, connected with old friends and made new ones. I am now in a masters program to get my teaching license. I also became emotionally involved with someone online through a music fan website I joined. My husband suddenly decided that he did care and wanted a relationship again. At that point, we hadn't had sex in five years other than the one time on our 25th anniversary, which was because I thought we should try again. It was that occasion that made me realize that I didn't love or desire him anymore. This happened, by the way, before I started my emotional affair. So, I find out a few months ago that husband had been spying on me with keyloggers on my laptop and the home desktop computer. He had most of the emails and some texts between myself and my friend. I understand on the one hand, because he did it two summers ago with my phone and I said I would stop. I did for a while, but then I started up again. In hindsight, I think I did it because I couldn't handle husband wanting me to love him again and maybe it was my way out, I really don't know. I am in therapy now to try to figure it all out. What I am sure of is that I can't love this man again after everything that's happened. I feel sorry for him now, he has changed in that he's stopped drinking. But his multiple addictions (did I mention the drinking and online porn?), and his passive aggressive personality have permanently changed my feelings. I need to leave but I am afraid for the kids (my youngest is still in high school) and I worry about the finances and that, at 56, I am too old to start over. Sorry for the length here and I hope this makes sense.



This is an OLD thread.. 
BUT, you are never to old....


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