# Major Update- I don't know what to do/think now



## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I had to call him to ask for formula...then I had to call him back to remind him the baby and I will be gone all week.

He said okay...then all of the sudden we started talking. I don't remember who began. But we talked. Really talked. With honesty and laughing and I don't even know.

Major points:

-He told me he was a bad person and I was too nice to him.

-He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. 

-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
-Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)

-He feels like everything he does is a waste. (What that means, only he knows)

-He tried to tell me he couldn't make the time to file, but then asked him if he did have time, would he have filed...he couldn't answer me.

-I asked him if he loved me, and he couldn't give me an answer.

-He did tell me he was lonely, and he wants to go out and have friends...and he also told me he didn't want to give me an outright answer because he didn't want to be in the situation that he would go back on it.

-He loves his daughter. He doesn't want her to grow up and not want to be with him or not know him.

-He repeatedly says he doesn't know anything. 




wtf. :banghead:

I was so mad earlier and now my heart aches and I feel like an idiot.


Please someone decipher this and then shoot me.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I even slept on it and I still feel like a fool.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Dont feel like a fool. Keep doing what you are doing. Do not pursue him. He is opening communication with you. If you want a reconciliation that is a good first step. He needs to repent the bad things he has done. He is getting there. I would allow open lines of communication between you, but I would not initiate them for now.

remember, talk is cheap right now. Do not hang on to his words. Observe his actions. 50,000 feet.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I even slept on it and I still feel like a fool.


I feel the same hon because I'm in the same situation as you.

Completely understand what you feel and think and this is --- WHY they do this ? I don't want you but I don't want you to leave !
I don't love you but wanna go out with you ! .... that is the part I most hate !

Stay strong !


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

You're not alone. NOTHING that happens to you in your situation, is unique, in almost 99.99999% of all situations out there. 

This one, is too common. Let met go and read it again while I'm typing this. 

-He told me he was a bad person and I was too nice to him."

Well, my wife said this to me many times. BUT, it was it was while we were ok. Whenever I asked her if I was doing better, or how we were doing together, she'd always reassure me with the "Ohh we're great, you're so much better now, I love you *kiss*" She'd sometimes tell me "Why do you love me? I've been so bad to you, why are you even with me?" I don't know why she said / asked these things. But I felt it was her admitting to things that bothered her and getting assurance that it's not bothering me? Maybe?

"-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
-Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)" 

Um, this one I'd say he wanted to let you know about the girl, maybe cause he wanted to see your reaction. Hence, the "nevermind, forget I said that" Or he just truly regretted saying it, if so, the honestly SLIPPED! Be careful IMO. BUT, he DID tell you...

And honestly, I just put the rest of them together and think maybe he's confused, he wants certain things out of his life but not sure which one outweighs the other. If someone wanted to file, they'll make time. He's unsure. 

I don't know what to tell you to do, I'm in a severely fouled up situation myself. Of course it's pretty cut and dry. She paid a lawyer over 2 weeks ago and still says "I don't want you" So yeah, mine's ez to see through now. But, I just don't know what to tell you for advice. 

*edited out some stuff  *

I hope it gets better for you soon, I know it hurts.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't know your full situation, but it sounds like he misses the security of you. It sounds like to me he had this illusion that he would leave you and life would be this great party with girls and friends knocking down his door and it didn't turn out how he planned. Saying he didn't want to give you a outright answer because he might fall back on it is a BS copout IMO. He doesn't want to commit to a answer and wants to leave it open incase he changes his mind. 

He sounds clinically depressed with all that stuff about everything he does is a waste and he's a bad person etc makes me think he is just feeling sorry for himself. 

You're better off without him. If he wants you back he needs to work on himself and become a better and stronger man. He also needs to decide what he wants and let you know and not be so wishywashy.



Dewayne76 said:


> "-He was interested in a girl...wanted to hang out with her to get to know her, but she wasn't interested.
> -Then he told me to forget that he told me that he regrets that he told me that. (I was glad he was being honest even though it did hurt)"
> 
> Um, this one I'd say he wanted to let you know about the girl, maybe cause he wanted to see your reaction. Hence, the "nevermind, forget I said that" Or he just truly regretted saying it, if so, the honestly SLIPPED! Be careful IMO. BUT, he DID tell you...
> .


 I think he truly feels depressed and sorry for himself that this girl he liked didn't like him back. He mentioned it to make her feel sorry for him then realized he shouldn't have. I'm no doctor, but he sounds like a classic narcissist to me. Everything is about him.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Thanks all.


It really is all about him. It's really unfair how he is keeping me in limbo like this. I think his low self esteem is part of the problem, him having no friends(the friends he does have aren't good influences...and even if they were they dont come visit because they dont want to take an hour and drive down to visit) is part of the problem.

I think him being young and in college and feeling like he wants to go out and have fun is a problem. He told me he wanted to go out and have fun.


Simple immaturity to blame? Perhaps.


I do think he is depressed but he has to realize it cant be all about him all of the time if he wants the family he helped create. HE has to put his child and sometimes his wife first. I do, and when we weren't separated...I put him first 99% of the time, even when I was heavily pregnant and felt like he should're took care of me more...or at least been more attentive to my needs.

About that girl, he told me he only wanted to hang out with her (she is 30 weeks pregnant( I know, wtf right?), but he swears it wasn't by him because I kind of made a sound or something when he told me this and I guess he knew what I was thinking) and she wasn't interested. He told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already have and that's why he regrets telling me.

He also let me know that he didn't feel like talking about us because he felt really lonely.


I guess my question for myself is when is enough enough? When is my breaking point? Should I let myself be a loose end, an "I don't know"? No matter how much I love this guy?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I have no friends right now as well. The ones I did have were my wife's and she was my whole life for 13 years. However I don't go around talking like that. I may have some self esteem issues because of the way my wife cheated and left me, but have sense enough to keep it to myself. I'd never say everything I do is a waste and I'm a bad person regardless. Like I said it sounds like he feels sorry for himself and is fishing for sympathy. Maybe I'm being to harsh.

You can't solve his problems and there is no need to make excuses for him. You need to value yourself more then that. If he wants you he needs to work at it and make a effort. Love can cause you to make bad and sometimes rash decisions, but you have yourself and a child to look after and they should come first.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I would love nothing more than to give it one real hard college try. I want my family back, and I don't like hearing him talking about himself that way. I always told him how good he was. It breaks my heart.


But no, I can't fix him. In the mean time I guess I just wait and take care of my daughter the best that I can. 

But how long can I wait? It just seems like he isn't going to make the commitment of staying with me, but he isn't going to file either.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

He also told me he thinks he is "too far gone". Then why not tell me outright, "Yes, I am going to file for divorce and it's what I want?" I told him to just be honest, because its going to hurt so he might as well just get it over with. Then he just says he doesn't know.


This is why I am confused his actions, reactions, words, nothing is consistent.


It's not like he is trying to pick out a damn video game at the store. I am his wife or whatever I am to him, and the mother of his child...shouldn't he be a little more sure than he is??


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

He also said that he doesn't know what he wants or is looking for and he might not ever find it. 


I don't know what he means by that either.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

He's a confused little man child and you're better off not dealing with it.

Take it from me.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

All empty words. No consistent action to back it up. Walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If he's clinically depressed it's still up to him to get to a doctor and/or therapist and work on it. He will drag you down. Marriages where one partner is depressed are 9x more likely than average to end in divorce. He is wallowing in self-pity, and wants you to a.) feel sorry for him, b.) take away his responsibility and let him do whatever he wants, and c.) make it all better for him. 

You've got your hands full with a real child. You don't need to have him dragging you down emotionally and mentally. I'm in the process of divorcing someone with lifelong mental health issues, and I've been treated for depression for many years. I'm not making it up. You cannot get yourself healthy in a situation like this. He has got to take responsibility for his own care. As long as he's able to go to school, work, have friends, etc., he's not too depressed to work on things. 

Walk away for your own good.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

AI,

I'm sorry you've been introduced to the game of mindf*cking.

My STBXH does this crap on a weekly basis. 

He's very narcissistic and, sometimes, pretty manic. When he gets scared that I may be doing too good by myself, or hears something positive about me, I can expect a phone call where he spews the same BS.

Since it's all about him, he will grasp at any straw to keep me on the back burner, even if it means hindering me from a more enjoyable life.

Your H is capable of giving you a straight answer, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to. 

The "I don't know" response was designed to keep you hanging.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

He wants you there waiting for him in case his new life falls through... Do yourself a favor, move forward and file yourself.... you only need to be responsible for yourself and your child...its hard at first but you will be happier in the long run without him


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

This sucks.

I really love him and he wasn't this way a year ago.


I don't want to walk, if I do I feel like I will regret it.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> This sucks.
> 
> I really love him and he wasn't this way a year ago.
> 
> I don't want to walk, if I do I feel like I will regret it.


I feel the same way. Really.

However, it's NEVER too late. 

You can get remarried, after divorce, if it's meant to be.

As betrayed spouses, though, we absolutely have to slam down the hammer, at some point. 

Standing idly by, waiting on the WS to come out of "the fog" just says to them, "I am a glutton for punishment. Yes, please...give me some more heartache. Ahhh."


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

sweety is on the money... but only you can decide when the time is right for you, no one can make that decision for you

oh and he doesn't love you, if he did he would not treat you this way....


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't believe in remarrying. If we divorce, I am done, even if I am madly in love with him for the rest of my life. If it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out the second time.

So that is why I am trying to go all in now.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I don't believe in remarrying. If we divorce, I am done, even if I am madly in love with him for the rest of my life. If it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out the second time.
> 
> So that is why I am trying to go all in now.


Abandon.

I've been with you on your thread since you started.

Given you the tough love.

Told you to give yourself that night to beat yourself up if you need to.

And just read some of your comments without replying because really .. at times a person just needs to be heard.

But take it from me, and if you read my thread right now.

8 months into this and I held onto 'hope' as well.

Even lied to myself that I wasn't.

Trying to move on yet hold out hope will do nothing but tear you apart.

Regardless of what he says or does.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

But I don't want to be his second choice. I told him if I was his second choice or if he thought he was settling for me that he needed to just file.

I told him I could live without him and I would move on. HE just needed to be completely honest and straight forward. Yet its still an "I don't know"


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> But I don't want to be his second choice. I told him if I was his second choice or if he thought he was settling for me that *he needed to just file*.
> 
> I told him I could live without him and I would move on. HE just needed to be completely honest and straight forward. Yet its still an "I don't know"


He may never file.

Mine didn't.

I had to.

Even with the feelings I still have and had for her.

Which made it even that much harder.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Abandon.
> 
> I've been with you on your thread since you started.
> 
> ...




I get it. But I'm just not ready to give up on my soulmate. I married him for a reason. You only find the love I feel once in a while.

Yes I know I am an idiot and yes people can tell me all they want that I have no self worth and I am pathetic and that I am setting myself up for my heartbreak.

And I wouldn't disagree.

But I can't give up on him or us yet. Something inside tells me that he is still worth it.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

AI,

I was there were you were a year ago, and 6 months after my divorce is final I am *happier* than I was in my marriage. Instead of having to take care of my 37 yr old man-child and my needs always coming last, now i just take care of myself and DS. I gave it my all too, for keeping my family together, but how long will you continue to be in limbo, it just hurts you... when are you going to put yourself first?


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> He may never file.
> 
> Mine didn't.
> 
> ...


I am stubborn. I still feel if he wants it, he pays for it and gets it.


So I guess he will be legally bound to me as long as he wants to.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> But how long can I wait? It just seems like he isn't going to make the commitment of staying with me, but he isn't going to file either.


 How long do you want to continue this misery of waiting for him to come around? Just because you get divorced from him doesn't mean the relationship is over forever. Matter a fact you filing for divorce may very well be the thing that triggers him into realizing he is going to lose you. Forcing him to come to terms with what he truly wants and possibly making him work to better himself to win you back. 



UpnOver said:


> He's a confused little man child and you're better off not dealing with it.
> Take it from me.


 Exactly. Men are decisive. This guy isn't.



abandonmentissues said:


> This sucks.
> I really love him and he wasn't this way a year ago.
> I don't want to walk, if I do I feel like I will regret it.


Yet you can have no possible way to know what lies in your future. There could be the man of your dreams waiting in the wings for you. This could all end in divorce anyway and then you will regret spending so much time in agony and pain over this.



abandonmentissues said:


> I don't believe in remarrying. If we divorce, I am done, even if I am madly in love with him for the rest of my life. If it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out the second time.


I've heard a lot of people say this after divorce. "I'll never get married again", but things change over time. The feelings you have now, the love, loss and pain will one day disappear. Doesn't seem like it now, but I assure you one day you will look back and it won't bother you in the least. Also when you do find someone you are "Madly in love with" your feelings of marriage WILL change.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> But I can't give up on him or us yet. Something inside tells me that he is still worth it.


The phone call was successful for him, then.

His words did exactly what he intended they do.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> How long do you want to continue this misery of waiting for him to come around? Just because you get divorced from him doesn't mean the relationship is over forever. Matter a fact you filing for divorce may very well be the thing that triggers him into realizing he is going to lose you. Forcing him to come to terms with what he truly wants and possibly making him work to better himself to win you back.
> 
> Exactly. Men are decisive. This guy isn't.
> 
> ...




I don't regret the misery or the pain.

It's helping me become a stronger person.


But yes, I am done with him, I will never remarry him if we are divorced.


I just know couples have bounced back from way worse.


Am I just wrong? Is there no way my marriage can become stronger from this?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> He may never file.
> 
> Mine didn't.
> 
> ...


Why don't they file? I've only been separated for 3 weeks. There no other person involved and he's in counseling. It's the same "I don't know" situation (even after he said he wanted a divorce). I don't understand the waiting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> Am I just wrong? Is there no way my marriage can become stronger from this?


There is always a way and always hope if you are willing to hold out for it, but he will have to change. The only thing you can do is make him want to change for you. Like I said filing for divorce, if anything, will light some fire under his feet. Right now he thinks he can run back and have you anytime he feels like so he has no incentive to resolve anything or tell you anything. If he does love you he would be trying to fix things if he felt he may lose you.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

AI there is always a possibility of coming out with a stronger marriage but both parities have to want it... and right now he has shown no indication of wanting to save the marriage...


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

What do I do?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

really I think the only thing you can do is put yourself and child needs first... if you aren't ready to file then dont, but dont put him/the relationship first, he is just keeping you on the back-burner.

From what I have seen on the site, and personally experienced, when you REALLY start putting your needs first and taking care of yourself with out worrying about them (the 180) that's when they come back but by then you have realized how crappy it was and want nothing to do with them anymore.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think deep down they know that what they're doing is crappy, and they won't even 'man-up' enough to do that on their own. Mine initiated the split, too. And who ended up filing? Me. I never wanted to divorce. I never thought our marriage problems were irreconcilable. Still don't. 

*BUT* we are not supposed to be in these marriages alone. When the spouse walks out, emotionally and/or physically, no matter what they SAY (i.e, "I don't know how I feel/what I want"), it is over. The left-behind spouse simply cannot keep a marriage going alone. There is no marriage if only one person is committed to it. Saying 'I don't know' is not being committed. And even saying 'I still love you' isn't enough.
AI, it seems that you are having a hard time letting go of who he was (or who you thought he was) before he left. You are waiting for that man to reemerge one day, and you're afraid if you call it quits, you'll miss out on a chance to have happiness with him. People change. Sometimes permanently. If he were to emerge again, after everything you've been through before and after the baby's birth, these last couple of months, hearing he's interested in someone else, etc., would you really be able to pick right up as if nothing happened? If not, then what would be the difference if you were to try to reconcile after a divorce? 

Just trying to give you a little more to think about, lol.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

this was the first time I really talked to him in month. I 180'd hard.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I think deep down they know that what they're doing is crappy, and they won't even 'man-up' enough to do that on their own. Mine initiated the split, too. And who ended up filing? Me. I never wanted to divorce. I never thought our marriage problems were irreconcilable. Still don't.
> 
> *BUT* we are not supposed to be in these marriages alone. When the spouse walks out, emotionally and/or physically, no matter what they SAY (i.e, "I don't know how I feel/what I want"), it is over. The left-behind spouse simply cannot keep a marriage going alone. There is no marriage if only one person is committed to it. Saying 'I don't know' is not being committed. And even saying 'I still love you' isn't enough.
> AI, it seems that you are having a hard time letting go of who he was (or who you thought he was) before he left. You are waiting for that man to reemerge one day, and you're afraid if you call it quits, you'll miss out on a chance to have happiness with him. People change. Sometimes permanently. If he were to emerge again, after everything you've been through before and after the baby's birth, these last couple of months, hearing he's interested in someone else, etc., would you really be able to pick right up as if nothing happened? If not, then what would be the difference if you were to try to reconcile after a divorce?
> ...


You make sense. I am not giving up on my soulmate. I vowed forever. I meant it. Until he files, it isn't over for me. I refuse to file. I am not a quitter. And if I walked away, I'd be just as bad as he is. Just as much to blame.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

abandonmentissues said:


> this was the first time I really talked to him in month. I 180'd hard.


what are you doing for yourself AI? The 180 is really for you, not to get him back...

Someone asked me this on this site and it always helped me "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I didnt 180 for him. At first I did.

I graduate from nursing classes next month, I am planning a vacation on the other end of the country for this summer, I have taken up hobbies.

I'm not miserable without him, I was sad that my marriage was in the toilet but I did eventually accept that he wanted a divorce.

I expected papers any day. 


But this "unsure" feeling he has is really doing my head in.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

yea the "unsure" is tough, I got a lot of that too from my exh ( hence my name) ... but one day it was too much, he pushed it too far, my pain in limbo went on too long and I filed, even though it was what he wanted... pretty common on here... limbo is the hardest part, having that "hope"... after i filed its been uphill for me and continues to get better 

Im glad to hear you are doing all that for yourself....


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't just listen to his words, AI. Look at his actions. Is he really acting like someone who is unsure about being married to you? Would someone who is truly thinking about resurrecting his marriage be seriously thinking about dating another woman? 

It strikes me that his 'I don't know' is like what a kid does when a parent catches them doing something wrong. The kid knows what he did, but when the parent asks, he answers 'I don't know' hoping to avoid responsibility/punishment/consequences.

It's not really that he doesn't know.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

oh and dont go by his words, go off of his actions...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ha ha, great minds, Unsure!


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i was just about to type that angel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

It's just hard. I'm no quitter. 



He also told me that I was the only girl that ever showed any interest in him?

Why would that even matter to him if he cared about me right? Shouldn't I be the only one he cares about showing "interest" in him?


Depressed, looking for greener grass, or just an assh*le?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> It's just hard. I'm no quitter.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is a HUGE red flag.

Why do you think this is?

Look at how he's treated you and how he caved under everything.

What woman would want to deal with that or be interested in that?

As for you not being a 'quitter'.

You aren't.

Look at everything you have been through and how you have dug in deep and moved on forward.

Who did you do this for?

Him? No. You didn't.

You did it for yourself.

Very proud of you.

This is something I want you to think about though.

The 'unsure' feeling he is having, is plaguing your mind.

Why? Wondering how you could help him?

Maybe if you just give him a 'nudge' in the right direction, like a proper 'wife' should. Right?

I would like you to take this 'sample' scenario of the what's happened so far.

Him leaving you, pregnant .. messing around enjoying the 'free' life as soon as things got real.

Take that thought, everything and toss it down the hallway.

What does the hallway represent?

The rest of your life.

So, now you have this scenario stretched out the rest of your life.

What will you trying to 'help him through this' at any point do?

It will give you little spots of 'good' moments, because you rescued him.

Until he does it again, which will happen when he can't do it himself and constantly relies on you to fix his man issues.

Do you want to live a life constantly full of you having to give him your everything just to maintain HIM?

I know you don't.

What you really want is for him to man the fvck up and do it on his own but a part of you is scared that if he does he won't want anything to do with you.

Which is an honest fear, but the fact is it comes down to the same thing no matter what he does.

You (and your daughter) deserve much much better than what he is currently offering and if you try to fix him the only person you are hurting is yourself.

You've worked far too hard to allow him to drag you down ever again.

What happens the next time he loses a job, or you lose a job or you have another kid, one of you gets very ill, etc.

Can someone like him stand the test of time beside you like a husband should, or are you going to have to hold his hand the entire time.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OMG, Up, that was brilliant. 

That was my life, AI. Constantly trying to help a man-child thru his next crisis. Enjoying those good moments, until the next crisis he faced. Was he there when I had a crisis? No, he ran. Every. Single. Time. 

Don't sentence yourself to a life like that. 

It could be that the reason nobody else showed interest in him was that they caught the red flags that you weren't able to see.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

im not a quitter either AI but there comes a point when you are hurting so much, that you just have to stop and put yourself first (especially if you have a little one to take care of)

you may never know why, and in the end it makes no difference to the outcome. I spent so much time analyzing was it a mid life crisis, is he depressed...? thinking that if i found the cause that maybe i could fix it and change the outcome. truth is even if i figured out the reason you cant control anyone and if this is what he wants for himself, you will probably not be able to change his mind.... and his wishy washy words are just words, his actions show hes made his mind up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Up, that was amazing.

After reading it the first time, I re-read it, inserting my name in place of "You".

Very powerful for me.

Thank you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

AI -- come to think of it, I DID do what you're thinking of. For years. I was there for him. I felt sorry for him, did everything I could to make him feel better, smooth the way ahead of him, take on more and more responsibility so that he wasn't 'burdened' with it and could concentrate on his talents. 

It got in the way of being the mom I wanted to be. My child didn't ask to be brought into this world. He deserved to be taken care of completely, not the grown man who vowed to be my *partner*, not my child. I know we vow to be with each other through sickness and health, better and worse, yada yada. But when a child is brought into the mixture, the priorities need to change somewhat. One spouse simply cannot be the only one committed to the marriage, deal with whatever issues the other spouse is having, be (in many cases) the ONLY healthy parent AND still have enough to keep themselves from collapsing in every way. 

It's like the thing they tell you in the airplane safety talk: put your oxygen mask on you first, then on your child so that you can take care of you both. 

You need to let him take care of himself for a while. You concentrate on you and your baby.

If you still feel in your heart that you are committed to him, you certainly don't have to find someone else. Being divorced doesn't mean you have to start dating. It is just the end of the legal agreement between you. But for your own good, please realize he is not, at this point (And not for months now) capable of being a husband or father, or a mature grown man. 

His actions speak much louder than his words. AND even just saying the words 'I don't know' isn't enough at this point. Settle for nothing less than 'I am sorry. I have been an ass hole to you and our daughter for months. I am getting counseling, I have given up any dating of other women, I want to make a definite schedule to spend more time being a father to our daughter, and I love you and want to try to earn back your love, respect, and trust. I know I don't deserve it. But I want to try.' 

AND then look for actual proof that these things are happening. 

Don't settle for half a life, AI.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I guess you all were right.

He told me he didn't know, seemed remorseful for atleast some things...even talked to me and was honest, laughed a little, and acted like he really didnt know if he wanted a divorce.


Today while I was in class, he came to visit the baby, dressed up in a suit, and only stayed a little while. My sister told me he was with his mom, and he had asked his mom if she was ready to go within 20 minutes. He barely held her and kept checking his phone. He did bring some of my Thanksgiving stuff...accompanied with the rest of my pictures, including some more wedding ones. I thought I had all of them. 

Apparently his friend from out of state is in, and all they do is drink. And they are probably dressed up to go the bar and/or strip club.



Why would he act so...I dont know, unsure, giving me false hope and then act like this?


I dont believe in miracles or love anymore. I give up. I know I said I wasnt a quitter, but Im ready to check out, not just of this marriage/separation, but of life. My daughter deserves a better mother.

I've thought about it and I think it's time for me to go. I wont ever ever get over the heartache and I will always be in love with him. I cant live like this anymore. I just hope my daughter will be able to forgive me one day.


Thanks all for the loving support, the tough love, everything.

I just want the pain to go away.

All of you hold a special place in my heart and I hope that things turn out well for all.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I guess you all were right.
> 
> He told me he didn't know, seemed remorseful for atleast some things...even talked to me and was honest, laughed a little, and acted like he really didnt know if he wanted a divorce.
> 
> ...


You don't get to give up that easy.

Stop basing your value on that turd of a man.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> AI,
> 
> I'm sorry you've been introduced to the game of mindf*cking.
> 
> ...


I think this sums it up pretty good AI.

Your OP - I swear I could have wrote that myself back in July. I heard the same exact things. He would talk talk talk talk but his actions spoke differently. 

The sooner you can see he is damaging YOU, as a person and start to move on, the better. If he wants the divorce, then he should file (he won't). If you don't want the divorce, don't file...but don't have any more contact than you need to with him. Your baby needs a healthy mom...and that means emotionally as well. They are so intuitive and sensitive...

Take care, AI


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I dont believe in miracles or love anymore. I give up. I know I said I wasnt a quitter, but Im ready to check out, not just of this marriage/separation, but of life. My daughter deserves a better mother.


Whoa...hang on one second...

This "boy" is not worth this. Are you kidding me?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

ai - your daughter deserves better than this. i know you love her. she won't understand being abandoned by both of her parents. that will hurt her much more than how you're hurting now, and i'm not minimizing how you feel at all. i'm just saying, put yourself in your little one's shoes. don't punish her for what her father is doing. 

Up is right. you are choosing to hang on to him at this point, and you are choosing to give him power over your very life, and that of your baby. why are you 'in love' with him? why do you love a 'man' who cares so little for his own flesh and blood, even if you can't yet get livid over how he's treated you. what is lovable about a man like that? what is it that's so special about him, that in spite of how he's let you down, you are still willing to abandon your own baby for the rest of her life, knowing that he won't be there for her, either? 

i know we all go into marriage with the plan that it's til death do us part. we have a family with our spouse because we intend on giving our kids a whole intact family. but we also live in the real world. we know things don't always work out. we have to keep going, especially when kids come along. they didn't ask for, or cause any of their parents' problems, and we don't have a right to punish them. and that's what it will feel like for them.

if you were to do something to yourself, ai, and sometime in the future someone showed your daughter these posts, what do you think she would say? i don't think it would be 'oh, yeah, my dad sounded like a great guy. thanks for leaving me with nobody but him.' it would be more along the lines of, why wasn't i worth it for you to stick around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Whoa...hang on one second...
> 
> This "boy" is not worth this. Are you kidding me?


You will feel better in the morning. No matter what your daughter needs you.
Things will get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but it will.
Have courage and hope. Come on here if you need to vent. We are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*AI.

Check your PM.*


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

UpnOver said:


> You don't get to give up that easy.
> 
> Stop basing your value on that turd of a man.


Wow... all I can say is "check the mirror"


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Wow... all I can say is "check the mirror"


Yup.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

AI, i hope you are ok and feel better after a night of rest. I cant imagine how difficult this has all been for you, having to deal with this with a baby, my DS was 3 at the time. Your baby needs you, no one can replace mom. Im thinking of you today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ai -- how are you doing this morning?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Thinking of you, sweet girl.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

AI - Please check in, hon, and let us know how you're doing. We're worried about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Happy Monday, AI!

Hope you and baby girl are doing well!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Has anyone heard from AI? It's been 3 days since her most recent post. I don't know any other way to reach her other than here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Nope. I hope she is doing fine today. Please check in, so we know that everything is ok with you AI.


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

She isn't...i was friends with her on fb...we pmed alot because our situations were the same. She took her own life.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

When did this happen?


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

the 20th...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Do you know what has happened to her daughter?


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

as far as i know, her daughter is with her grandparents, AIs parents. Custody is being decided though...the father is still wanting to visit with the baby and stuff.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

May I ask how you know this information?

I know you said you talked to her PMing on Facebook.

A FB memorial?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

.... 

Don't know what to say. . .


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh my god. I can't believe it. This is just too horrible. Oh, AI.


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> May I ask how you know this information?


I was friends with her on fb...and i just heard through what people said on there. her parents deactivated her fb because there was a whole lot of drama going on...alot of bashing and immature stuff. but I dont really know about anything now.


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

there has been no memorial on fb made yet...atleast i dont think so, ive looked.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

isittoolate said:


> there has been no memorial on fb made yet...atleast i dont think so, ive looked.


Alright.

Thank you for informing us.


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

i would say your welcome...but i really hate that this is how it turned out. it saddens me that she was that sad over her situation...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

isittoolate said:


> i would say your welcome...but i really hate that this is how it turned out. it saddens me that she was that sad over her situation...


As do I.

I remember when she first arrived her.

It's sad and very unfortunate.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

wishing you the best


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Omg, my eyes are filled with tears , i pm'd her a lot like a worried dad, esp after the hurricane, since you are going through this maybe you'llstay ??? Ai god bless you lil girl, i'll never forget you, omg (((((


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

:"( :"( 
o...m...g.....nooooo......


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I hope you have found peace AI, i know how bad you were hurting...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

My thoughts are with her family and baby at this time.

People - no person is worth taking your own life, no matter how much pain you think you are in from them. The pain will pass. Taking your own life will not pass and will affect everyone else in your life for years to come.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

***********AI IS ALIVE**********

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/61951-urgent-about-ai.html

BUT she is still in a very dark place, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Any mod around to remove the posts stating she is dead and all that follows ? I don't think she'll be OK seeing all of this !


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## isittoolate (Jul 31, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Any mod around to remove the posts stating she is dead and all that follows ? I don't think she'll be OK seeing all of this !


Good idea


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Just had you on my mind, sweet girl. 

Hope you're feeling better.


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