# Advice for a happily married man of 12 years



## anthony (Aug 2, 2010)

Ok so here is my first post. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 18 years. All of our married lives no one has cheated. However about 2 years into our relationship (which was 16 years ago) she and I both strayed. I found out about 2 years later as she found out about me around the same time. We were married a year or so later after we worked everything out. So you may ask what is the problem. After all these years I still remember what she did, but seem to forget what I did. My wife is a strong woman both emotionally and physically. So here comes (my) problem.

For the last three years my wife has taught classes at the local gym, spinning, hardcore workouts etc. Up until a year ago I did not attend, gained a few pounds but nothing crazy, I now attend her classes and workout on a regular basis. However recently she told me about a guy who wants to be personal trained, I know him as he is sometime my partner in class he and I openly talked about her training him, and being the supportive husband I am I express that she would create a heck of a workout for him. So I have some jealous thoughts in my head, mainly because of our issues years ago, I travel for my work and my wife trust me 100%, however I am the emotional one, saying I love you etc.....

So of course I expressed my concern to my wife and of course she was upset that I would after all these years judge her on one event and as she puts it "we hated each other back then" I can't say she is lying. We have grown in our marriage, our children our lovely. I know this is something she has always wanted to do as she never went to college and she is making something of herself at the local gym. She is respected as a top notch trainer, hardcore. She claims I disrespect her by making claims "that something could happen if you train a male". I do not feel threatened by this man as far as being better looking, or better in shape. I just don't trust outsiders, however as the wife says it take two to tango and she is happy in our marriage and I am being jealous and crazy. Anyone have thoughts or advice for me. Its driving me crazy.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Has she given you any reason to doubt her in the last 16 years? You made a mutual mistake many, many years ago and now you have a solid, happy marriage. If you are really worried about her cheating on you, it seems like there would have to be other clues or concerns that you are worried about.

Do you not work with women in your place of employment? She is going to be working with a man as part of her job. He knows you, he obviously knows she is married so I don't really see what the problem is. Are you picking up something between them?

If you are very concerned, I would really spend some time examining why you are jumping to this conclusion after so many years.


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## anthony (Aug 2, 2010)

funny your reply sounds just like what she has said to me, she has given me no reason to be concerned, she told me from day one when he asked to be trained. I guess I just dont like the one on one part of it. She cannot train him in gym becuase they take most of the money so this is freelance at a local park not but one mile from our house.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

it sounds like she is being completely honest with you. The fact that she told you about it should help you realize that she is not trying to keep any secrets. If she had any straying thoughts in her mind, she probably would not have been so open about it. 

I would trust her. She hasn't given you any reason not to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I strongly feel it is only hurting you to dwell on these things that happened 16 yrs ago, you were both young, we all make mistakes. It was even before you married, determine to ERASE this from your mind. If you have not forgiven, forgive. 

It should ONLY be about what is happening in the here & NOW at home behind closed doors... I would ask you how is the sex/intimacy/affection with your wife ? If all is "smoking" good here, You have nothing to worry about. If , on the other hand, SHE is feeling unfullfilled in some way, if you have neglected some things in the marriage, then I would say >>> stranger things have happened - why sometimes we have reason to feel a little worried/jealous. 

Only ONE thing you said in your original post that caused me to think maybe you have reason and it was SO very small . You said you are the emotional one , always saying "I love you" etc. Was it always this way (and she has been happy & fullfilled for the last 12 yrs of marraige) OR something has changed, she is less emotional back to you and offers less I love you's ? 

Absolutely Nothing else in your post seemed cause for concern, it is her job. He is male , but if she is being taken care of at home in all ways, She knows what she has & this is very unlikely. Take comfort in that.


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## anthony (Aug 2, 2010)

Well I have to say she is receptive to my affection and such, and she has always been that way. So nothing new there, she actually says she has to work on the affection part sometimes. As far as the sex it could be one to three times a week for awhile then slows but always comes back around. Just this weekend I had a party for her 80 to 100 people and at the start of the night she warned me that we may "sneak" upstairs while the party was going on. Three hours later we were in the bedroom, then we rejoined the party.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sounds decently smokin' to me Anthony , at least on party night!! The joy of unplanned passion in the midst of a houseful of people. Not many can do this ! Or would. 

Try to concentrate on these things, what is good, what is exciting -between the 2 of you. Keep the communication & the Romance flowing. Remind yourself that just cause you have a tendency to get a little jealous does not mean any of the things you are worried about is the least bit true or would come true.


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## anthony (Aug 2, 2010)

It was smokin that time, but this a rare event. I do try to concentrate on the good, however the bad can take over quickly. By all means I am not thinking at the first training session something will happen or even the second. As you state "would come true" this is the part I do not like. A relationship could start in the most innocent way. I am not afraid of losing someone, I am afraid that I may not find out. My motto, be a bigger person and if you do something wrong fess up and pay the bill.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

> A relationship could start in the most innocent way.


Anthony - You are correct. Relationships could start any way. You can't control everyone she comes in contact with but you have to trust your wife that she isn't looking for any outside relationships. By your logic, you should just keep her locked up in the house with no contact with any other men. I assume this is not what you intend to do so you just need to trust your W until she gives you a reason not to trust her. 

Again, I assume you interact with other women in your day to day life. This does not automatically mean that a relationship will grow anymore than it would with your W and her client.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Whenever you go away on a trip for work, she has to trust you. And I believe she does. If she did not trust you not to do something with the beautiful buisnesswomen I am sure you come in contact with, not to mention the waitresses when you eat out, the stewardesses on the airplanes, the bartenders, grocery store clerks, store clerks, and I could go on and on and on, shouldn't you be able to trust her with the one man she wants to train? You cannot keep her away from temptation the same way she cannot keep you away from hot guys she sees everyday, the ones in her classes, the ones working at the grocery stores, etc. You need to try and trust her. What is in the past is in the past. You say you both hated each other when you both stepped out with someone else, right? And you say things are different now, right? So now you both have love and respect for one another, right? You are both in love with each other? So the same circumstances that caused you both to look for passion outside of your relationship are no longer there. That means she has no reason to look to someone else for love, comfort, sex, or understanding, the same way YOU don't have any reason to do so. Trust her. She loves you, and was even gracious enough to tell you she was thinking of doing this before just doing it. That shows commitment, love, and a really good communication between the two of you.

Good luck!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Jealousy is nothing wrong at all in the healthy relationship.

To express jealousy flowing from confidence, will let your woman know you are thinking enough of her to care and be protective. This is good.

To express jealousy flowing from insecurity, will let your woman know something is wrong, there is mistrust or resentment or something left unresoved or undone. This is not good.

If there is something to be fixed, then be the good man to fix it. 

For example, if indeed you are the "affectionate one" with the "I love you's", this is saying perhaps you are insecure and even wanting reassurance every now and then that things are okay. Being the good man in the relationship with a woman, this is a sign something is out of balance.

Work to say "I love you" less and less, and instead of saying "I love you" next time, just stare at her like you are seeing something you desire, or give her a deep kiss and leave and do something else. See her reactions to this as the confidence builder, instead of seeking verbal approval so to say. 

In this same attitude to communicate your jealousy, not as a concern to mistrust her, and therefore be insulting to her.

But instead that you are possesive and desiring her sexual attention and therefore be flattering to her.

I wish you well.


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## anthony (Aug 2, 2010)

Big Bad Wolf.........I like your comments. As well as everyone else. I indeed have been trying to be supportive, asking questions like "how was the training" "did you make him work" etc.....it shows her I have an interest in what she is doing and I am not asking to find out things. On a good note the local gym just asked her to become the full-time wellness director, she will now run the local gym. Good stuff.


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