# I’ve almost lost interest in sex



## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

Hi
I’m 57 and my husband is 11 years older than me. We have been together for 35 years and been married 30 years. 
my husband has two children from his first marriage but we have none together. 
we had a hood sex life until
The menopause struck and my
Libido went down hill. I’m through that and on HRT but while I love my husband to bits I just don’t want sex. He is very understanding and about once a month I initiated sex which I know will end up him making me orgasm and then intercourse. It’s a bit dry but he ordered som lubricant which makes it fine. 
the stupid thing is I enjoy it when we do it and can’t understand why I don’t want it more often. 
i know he would like to please me more often but I just tell him I’m fine and to satisfy him I masturbate him or he masturbates himself while we cuddle. He does like other things doing to him which I do sometimes as well. 
are others the same as I just feel I’m the odd one out and can’t understand why. 
Thanks to anyone similar or advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you just have sex more often just because you love him and care about him and the marriage?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Unfortunately the same traits in a man that make for a stable 30 year marriage often make for a dry vagina once menopause hits.

Have you two tried exploring sexual dynamics other than him wanting to please you? Role playing, him being more aggressive and selfish maybe. Have you read or seen anything that turned you on that you haven't tried and might be able to incorporate into your sex life to make it more exciting for you?

Not saying that's the cure all, just curious.


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Can you just have sex more often just because you love him and care about him and the marriage?


Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like. 
we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

gaius said:


> Unfortunately the same traits in a man that make for a stable 30 year marriage often make for a dry vagina once menopause hits.
> 
> Have you two tried exploring sexual dynamics other than him wanting to please you? Role playing, him being more aggressive and selfish maybe. Have you read or seen anything that turned you on that you haven't tried and might be able to incorporate into your sex life to make it more exciting for you?
> 
> Not saying that's the cure all, just curious.


You realize dry vagina is a thing that happens with the production of less estrogen and nothing to do with a 30 years marriage.

It's comments like these that help make women feel less than when our vaginas dry and part of the reason sex goes down hill because we feel like we shouldn't be dry. It's no different then ED.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Electric sex is more than that coupling together, of two live wires.

Good sex is habit maintained, and only occasionally, that spur of the moment.

If freguent sex is expected and consummated, there is no need of continuously getting over the _hump._


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Believe it or not, try taking showers together and washing each other. You may have forgotten how sensual it can be.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> You realize dry vagina is a thing that happens with the production of less estrogen and nothing to do with a 30 years marriage.
> 
> It's comments like these that help make women feel less than when our vaginas dry and part of the reason sex goes down hill because we feel like we should be dry. It's no different then ED.


I'm sorry you feel threatened by the idea that ED or dry vagina might mean something other than a hormone imbalance Anastasia but sometimes it's your body trying to tell you something.

And she's on HRT. She has estrogen in her body. There's nothing wrong with after 30 years maybe finding something new and exciting to try.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


The dryness has nothing to do with your desire. It is just a fact that women often experience dryness during menopause. That can easily be over come. It took my wife some time to get accustomed to the fact that she needs lubrication from time to time. Now it has just become a part of our sex life. She likes having sex, a lot, yet she still experiences some dryness. 

You seem to enjoy it too, just not that big on initiating. You need to let your husband know that just because you don't always initiate sex, you really enjoy it, want him to initiate whenever he desires you, and the fact that you need lubrication has nothing to do with you wanting him. Talking and open communication are going to be the key to success here.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gaius said:


> I'm sorry you feel threatened by the idea that ED or dry vagina might mean something other than a hormone imbalance Anastasia but sometimes it's your body trying to tell you something.
> 
> And she's on HRT. She has estrogen in her body. There's nothing wrong with after 30 years maybe finding something new and exciting to try.


Absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting things to spice up their sex life, but the dryness could still be hormonal. Even while on HRT it can happen, and if she hasn't been on it long the dose may not be dialed in. It sounds like she already enjoys sex, just has dryness and doesn't like to initiate. Both can easily be overcome.


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## JohnnyJo (8 mo ago)

Mrs Mac, thanks so much for sharing your post. It sounds like you are not particularly interested in having sex, but if he has it with you, you are OK with it and even enjoy it. It is just the start of it is an issue for you.

Just throwing some thoughts here... maybe he interprets your behavior or words such that when he has sex with you, it bothers you actually. He may be sensitive and misinterpret you. What do you think about telling him that it does not matter if he has sex with you or just masturbates next to you, that for you it is the same? Or that while you are not interested in having sex, you are interested in him being happy when he has sex with you?

Of course, it is also very important that you do not feel "used" by him, unless you do not mind or enjoy being used. Can you tell us more about how you feel?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> You realize dry vagina is a thing that happens with the production of less estrogen and nothing to do with a 30 years marriage.
> 
> It's comments like these that help make women feel less than when our vaginas dry and part of the reason sex goes down hill because we feel like we should be dry. It's no different then ED.


One other hint -- COCONUT OIL works wonders for dryness....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> One other hint -- COCONUT OIL works wonders for dryness....


Well I don't like coconut oil but I do love Lulu


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

gaius said:


> Unfortunately the same traits in a man that make for a stable 30 year marriage often make for a dry vagina once menopause hits.
> 
> Have you two tried exploring sexual dynamics other than him wanting to please you? Role playing, him being more aggressive and selfish maybe. Have you read or seen anything that turned you on that you haven't tried and might be able to incorporate into your sex life to make it more exciting for you?
> 
> Not saying that's the cure all, just curious.


Thanks for the reply. We have tried role play and I’m terrible at it and feel so self conscious. Hubby is better and what used to turn me on was when we had sex and he would whisper in my ear that another guy was in the room, I know he likes the idea but it I would never agree.
He is to kind to be aggressive and selfish and he would never even want intercourse unless I was going to enjoy it. He says he is ok about how he gets relief but I worry he may go elsewhere for more.


Sfort said:


> Believe it or not, try taking showers together and washing each other. You may have forgotten how sensual it can be.


thanks. We have a big enough shower and a large bathe tub. I’m beginning to think I’m in a rut. I’ll try that as I know he’ll be up for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks for the reply. We have tried role play and I’m terrible at it and feel so self conscious. Hubby is better and what used to turn me on was when we had sex and he would whisper in my ear that another guy was in the room, I know he likes the idea but it I would never agree.
> He is to kind to be aggressive and selfish and he would never even want intercourse unless I was going to enjoy it. He says he is ok about how he gets relief but I worry he may go elsewhere for more.
> 
> thanks. We have a big enough shower and a large bathe tub. I’m beginning to think I’m in a rut. I’ll try that as I know he’ll be up for it.


Yet you said that when you do have sex you do enjoy it. Have you told him that?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yet you said that when you do have sex you do enjoy it. Have you told him that?


There is nothing better than hearing your wife verbalizing she loves having sex with you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> One other hint -- COCONUT OIL works wonders for dryness....


Was going to suggest the same. It’s a game changer regarding dryness and discomfort. What it does not change is a mindset that allows a functional woman woh can achieve orgasm, and enjoys it, to have a blase take-it-or-leave-it attitude about sex.

Leaving me to wonder if, for some women, there is a bit of excitement regarding risk and sex. Once the possibility of becoming pregnant is gone, and you’re in a stable relationship, no thoughts of illicit sex at all, risk is zero.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> One other hint -- COCONUT OIL works wonders for dryness....


Big plus on using coconut oil. The rest is up to you. 👍


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> Hi
> I’m 57 and my husband is 11 years older than me. We have been together for 35 years and been married 30 years.
> my husband has two children from his first marriage but we have none together.
> we had a hood sex life until
> ...


If you are both happy and satisfied with what you do and how often you do it, and your marriage is happy and loving, why are you worried about this? You sound like you've found ways to be intimate and satisfy eachother, so why do you perceive a problem?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Gotta break through the monotony. Sounds like you’re bored. 
Of dryness, remedied dynamics explored. Issue solved.
Race proudly she did Yet, soon, nay she cried, and untruths to herself told.
Thence powder dry return. 😢
Been my experience anyway


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

JohnnyJo said:


> Mrs Mac, thanks so much for sharing your post. It sounds like you are not particularly interested in having sex, but if he has it with you, you are OK with it and even enjoy it. It is just the start of it is an issue for you.
> 
> Just throwing some thoughts here... maybe he interprets your behavior or words such that when he has sex with you, it bothers you actually. He may be sensitive and misinterpret you. What do you think about telling him that it does not matter if he has sex with you or just masturbates next to you, that for you it is the same? Or that while you are not interested in having sex, you are interested in him being happy when he has sex with you?
> 
> Of course, it is also very important that you do not feel "used" by him, unless you do not mind or enjoy being used. Can you tell us more about how you feel?


I feel really happy in our marriage and never used. He knows that all I want is for him to be sexually satisfied. He never complains and often asks on a morning when he wakes with an election if I would like to have sex (I only feel like it first thing). 
if I say no, I’m fine he cuddles me and we get up shortly after.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mrs Mac said:


> I feel really happy in our marriage and never used. He knows that all I want is for him to be sexually satisfied. He never complains and often asks on a morning when he wakes with an election if I would like to have sex (I only feel like it first thing).
> if I say no, I’m fine he cuddles me and we get up shortly after.


Why only first thing in the morning?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mrs Mac said:


> I feel really happy in our marriage and never used. He knows that all I want is for him to be sexually satisfied. He never complains and often asks on a morning when he wakes with an election if I would like to have sex (I only feel like it first thing).
> if I say no, I’m fine he cuddles me and we get up shortly after.


So you're turning him down (rejecting him) on a regular basis, and he's just too darned nice a guy to make a big deal of it. You "love him to bits" but haven't been able to physically and mentally transition from pre-to-post menospause intimacy. 

Sex may not mean much to you anymore, but it does to him, since, as you say, he "often" asks if you'd like sex in the morning. Unlike you, his sex drive, if it declines at all, is going to do so very gradually, while you dropped off the map like last week's stock market. If you don't actively dislike sex (and please be honest if that's now the case), you could move mountains for the one you love by being prepared in the morning. Have that lube handy. Better yet, try the coconut oil that's been suggested. You taking the initiative on just that one thing (a different lube) shows that you're part of the solution, not the problem.

Don't waste the last decades of your life. Make them the best ever. Fix things mentally and physically. Do NOT accept negative changes without a fight, especially with you husband in his 60s. He's wondering about his own mortality, as well as how long he's going to continue to be, well, functional in bed. Guys think about stuff like that. For you, you've just accepted that you've reached an age where it doesn't matter. He. Has. Not. 

I hope this comes across in a helpful way and doesn't sound like one more guy upset that his wife doesn't want sex. All the best-


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why only first thing in the morning?


He rarely gets day time erections now and when I dip I feel mist aroused in the morning.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mrs Mac said:


> Hi
> I’m 57 and my husband is 11 years older than me. We have been together for 35 years and been married 30 years.
> my husband has two children from his first marriage but we have none together.
> we had a hood sex life until
> ...


That's just what happens. It's good you can get into it if it's underway, and that may not always be the case, so take advantage of that while you're still there.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> He rarely gets day time erections now and when I dip I feel mist aroused in the morning.


What is your reason for saying no in the morning?

It sounds to me like his initiation skills are poor. He shouldn't be asking for sex, he should be initiating sex. They aren't the same thing. It seem clear you are much more responsive desire and spontaneous desire. He needs to get you turned on to the idea of having sex and you just need to be open to allowing him to try to turn you on. 

This link has some great blog posts about initiating that he would probably benefit from, you too.





__





You searched for initiat - Uncovering Intimacy







www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> I’m through that and on HRT but while I love my husband to bits I just don’t want sex. He is very understanding and about once a month I initiated sex which I know will end up him making me orgasm and then intercourse. It’s a bit dry but he ordered som lubricant which makes it fine.


Are you saying that you are on HRT and still dry? And that you don't want sex (low libido)? Is it possible that the HRT prescription isn't correct? My wife was on HRT for decades, and had neither of those issues once the doctor got the chemistry balanced. She stopped HRT because of DCIS about six months ago, and thankfully hasn't slowed her down at all.



Mrs Mac said:


> the stupid thing is I enjoy it when we do it and can’t understand why I don’t want it more often.


If you told your husband to initiate on his initiative, wouldn't that make both of you happy? You say you enjoy it, so if he takes the lead you needn't be concerned about whether you want it more. You said that lubrication wasn't an issue and you have fun when you are together. Seems like a little tweak in the dynamic might do wonders.



Mrs Mac said:


> I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


Maybe that will change as the HRT is dialed in. But why does it matter? If you enjoy it in the moment, and he does as well, it doesn't sound like there is much of a problem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


However you say you mostly do refuse him..


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mrs Mac said:


> He rarely gets day time erections now and when I dip I feel mist aroused in the morning.


We can argue forever about sexual intimacy not being a "need" and how it's not your job to provide that to your spouse. But right now, your spouse could really be needing reassurance. If it's mainly in the morning he can perform, not other times, that's got to be a big blow to him. Your timing coming here could be very fortuitous. He sounds like a great guy. You two sound like you're still very much in love, after 35 years. Consider it an act of love, not sex, taking advantage of his morning erections. I can pretty much guarantee it will keep you from posting here three years from now, trying to save your marriage. I can't guarantee that just going along the way things are, would be the road to ruin. But it really sounds like it's within your ability to keep things healthy and happy without becoming subservient or feeling used. 

I don't want sexuality to sound transactional, but to some extent, contentness in a relationship is transactional. I'm sure there are things he does for you that make you happy, and I'm equally sure that motivates him to do more such things, because he likes being around a happier person. Transactional in that sort of way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sounds like you are more in a reactive desire mode now.... once it gets going, it is enjoyable, so maybe just some more effort towards getting it started would help.... create environments where you think it will lead to it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> However you say you mostly do refuse him..


That would be interesting to hear what the OP has to say as my wife is like that. She says No more than Yes but doesn't have a reason why yet says all the same things the OP does about wanting me to be happy, etc. I wake up most days with an erection yet when I try to initiate, she often will just get up and say she doesn't feel like it.

And I know, I know just having an erection doesn't mean she has to say Yes (I can already see the replies stating so) but just curious as to why the OP says No and if I can relate the situation to my own?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What is your reason for saying no in the morning?
> 
> It sounds to me like his initiation skills are poor. He shouldn't be asking for sex, he should be initiating sex. They aren't the same thing. It seem clear you are much more responsive desire and spontaneous desire. He needs to get you turned on to the idea of having sex and you just need to be open to allowing him to try to turn you on.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. That was my thought as well....being asked for sex is a libido killer.

A lot of women are responsive to a guy who goes after what he wants. It makes us feel desired.

As for OP, I think you may need to spend time thinking erotically about sex with your husband. At 48 I find that a lot of it is mental; I'm in perimenopause and don't ovulate regularly so I don't get the natural hormones spike and desire that comes wirh it. But I find my bf sexy so I think about various things wirh him and that combined with him initiating translates to desire.

Also, are you physically fit? Exercise helps a lot both physically and mentally.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> If you don't actively dislike sex (and please be honest if that's now the case), you could move mountains for the one you love by being prepared in the morning. Have that lube handy. Better yet, try the coconut oil that's been suggested. You taking the initiative on just that one thing (a different lube) shows that you're part of the solution, not the problem.


Or maybe after 68 years on this planet he could finally take the steps to figure out what actually turns a woman on. With her help even. Rather than her just forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to naturally do. 

Some guys can get away with that oh shucks nice guy garbage before menopause, but once it hits, you better bring it.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

re16 said:


> Sounds like you are more in a reactive desire mode now.... once it gets going, it is enjoyable, so maybe just some more effort towards getting it started would help.... create environments where you think it will lead to it.


This. Psych yourself up for it, and get yourself in the mood. Wear things that make you feel sexy. Try a new look or a new perfume. Look up stuff you've never done that you might like to try. Maybe get a hotel for a night for a change of scenery then think about hot sex all day and rock his world that night. Ask him for a nice, sensual, full body massage. Get creative.



FloridaGuy1 said:


> wake up most days with an erection yet when I try to initiate, she often will just get up and say she doesn't feel like it.


I'd recommend creating more sexual tension. If it doesn't have to be in the morning, flirt with her and tease her all day then don't do anything about it. Don't drag it out to the point of frustration (keep it playful, fun, and sensual), but leave her wanting more until she's hot for it. Then, make the magic happen.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

gaius said:


> Or maybe after 68 years on this planet he could finally take the steps to figure out what actually turns a woman on. With her help even. Rather than her just forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to naturally do.
> 
> Some guys can get away with that oh shucks nice guy garbage before menopause, but once it hits, you better bring it.


In her own words, she orgasms, possibly every time. That doesn’t usually happen with an uncaring selfish male spouse. He’s got things to learn, regarding where she is today. But that’s not really a self-taught lesson.


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

So


Mrs Mac said:


> He rarely gets day time erections now and when I dip I feel mist aroused in the morning.





FloridaGuy1 said:


> That would be interesting to hear what the OP has to say as my wife is like that. She says No more than Yes but doesn't have a reason why yet says all the same things the OP does about wanting me to be happy, etc. I wake up most days with an erection yet when I try to initiate, she often will just get up and say she doesn't feel like it.
> 
> And I know, I know just having an erection doesn't mean she has to say Yes (I can already see the replies stating so) but just curious as to why the OP says No and if I can relate the situation to my own?


you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


So there is no sex unless you need it. It's not a priority unless you make it a priority. No thought about your husband's needs. You sound like a selfish gatekeeper.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


So the fact is keeping H satisfied in a happy married sexual relationship is NOT a priority for you. You should lead with that.

That really should've been in the first post.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


Sex in a committed, monogamous relationship isn't supposed to be only about you and your needs.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


So because it isn't a priority for you, intimacy is off the table in the morning. You don't need sex so to h3ll with what your spouse needs. Another hour in bed isn't a priority. Understand.

Someday the roles may be reversed. If and when they are, think back to today.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> So because it isn't a priority for you, intimacy is off the table in the morning. You don't need sex so to h3ll with what your spouse needs. Another hour in bed isn't a priority. Understand.
> 
> Someday the roles may be reversed. If and when they are, think back to today.


If sex is a priority for the husband and the wife can't be bothered, then the husband can leave the marriage. Nobody is forcing him to be there. The husband doesn't seem that bothered either or he's been turned down so many times that he "asks" if they can have sex. This is a typical behaviour of a husband who's been deprived of sex for a very long time. At the end, you just give up/don't ask because you are too scared/exhausted. In the husband's shoes, I would leave.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


This is something you can work on. Sex doesn't need to be your priority, but being intimate with your husband and doing something just for him should be your priority. It should be every spouse's priority to selflessly give to their partner. Beside, would another hour in bed with your husband and having an orgasm really be such a bad thing? That sounds like a win-win to me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> If sex is a priority for the husband and the wife can't be bothered, then the husband can leave the marriage. Nobody is forcing him to be there. The husband doesn't seem that bothered either or he's been turned down so many times that he "asks" if they can have sex. This is a typical behaviour of a husband who's been deprived of sex for a very long time. At the end, you just give up/don't ask because you are too scared/exhausted. In the husband's shoes, I would leave.


In this case I wouldn't leave, not yet. She is here actually asking for help. It is obvious that she cares and is concerned with her husband's sexual desires. Once she gives up caring about his needs, that is a different story.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In this case I wouldn't leave, not yet. She is here actually asking for help. It is obvious that she cares and is concerned with her husband's sexual desires. Once she gives up caring about his needs, that is a different story.


I'm not sure that she actually IS asking for help...maybe I am wrong, but I got more of a sense that she wants validation for choosing to refuse sex with her husband because it's not a priority for her anymore.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm not sure that she actually IS asking for help...maybe I am wrong, but I got more of a sense that she wants validation for choosing to refuse sex with her husband because it's not a priority for her anymore.


That could be true, but the comments below lead me to believe she is wanting help to be more into sex. The fact that she will give him manual sex, he masturbates while with her, etc. they actually have a pretty good intimate relationship. That is a good sign IMO. I hope she isn't here to just get validation. 




Mrs Mac said:


> the stupid thing is I enjoy it when we do it and can’t understand why I don’t want it more often.
> i know he would like to please me more often but I just tell him I’m fine and to satisfy him I masturbate him or he masturbates himself while we cuddle. He does like other things doing to him which I do sometimes as well.
> are others the same as I just feel I’m the odd one out and can’t understand why.
> Thanks to anyone similar or advice.





Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.





Mrs Mac said:


> thanks. We have a big enough shower and a large bathe tub. I’m beginning to think I’m in a rut. I’ll try that as I know he’ll be up for it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In this case I wouldn't leave, not yet. She is here actually asking for help. It is obvious that she cares and is concerned with her husband's sexual desires. Once she gives up caring about his needs, that is a different story.


I agree with LisaDiane above. I don't hear any interest in meeting her husband's needs here. Just a need for validation. But that's just me, because I've been in the husband's shoes.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mrs Mac said:


> The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him





Mrs Mac said:


> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority.


These two quotes arent consistent. Which one is the real @Mrs Mac ?


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## Mrs Mac (8 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> These two quotes arent consistent. Which one is the real @Mrs Mac ?


Can I just clarify the two comments which are consistent. If my husband told me he wanted sex I would agree and never refuse, however, when asks on a morning he is asking me if I would like sex and if I say no he’s fine with it and if he needs relief the either he or I or both will masturbate him. He has told me many times he isn’t interested in intercourse just to satisfy him. 
thanks for all the interesting advice and support as I really would like to want to be sexually adventurous once more.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> Can I just clarify the two comments which are consistent. If my husband told me he wanted sex I would agree and never refuse, however, when asks on a morning he is asking me if I would like sex and if I say no he’s fine with it and if he needs relief the either he or I or both will masturbate him. He has told me many times he isn’t interested in intercourse just to satisfy him.
> thanks for all the interesting advice and support as I really would like to want to be sexually adventurous once more.


The only way to get back into being sexually adventurous is to actually BE sexually adventurous and enjoy the fun, playfulness, and orgasms that you have doing that. Break out of your rut of refusing only because you don’t need sex and you like to get up when you wake up, and embrace your excitement for doing something new and different that feels good with someone you love.

BE the change you want to see.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Break out of your rut of refusing only because you don’t need sex and you like to get up when you wake up, and embrace your excitement for doing something new and different that feels good with someone you love.


Even try another time of day maybe? Mix it up.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Even try another time of day maybe? Mix it up.


She said her husband age 65 didn’t function well (ED) other than morning. So he can only get it up in mornings. She doesn’t want to in the morning unless he asks. And he doesn’t want to ask unless she wants to. And he wont use boner pills I guess. He gets HJ in morning if he wants, or uses his own hand.

Add enough conditions to any situation, and it wont ever happen. At end of day we all do what we want to do. Or resent doing what we dont want to do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


You say you enjoy sex with your husband, so his concerns about you not enjoying it are incorrect. From what you said, it's not that you don't enjoy it. It's that your drive towards it is gone. I recommend that you continue what you're doing, but initiate sex at least once a week. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mrs Mac said:


> I feel really happy in our marriage and never used. He knows that all I want is for him to be sexually satisfied. He never complains and often asks on a morning when he wakes with an election if I would like to have sex (I only feel like it first thing).
> if I say no, I’m fine he cuddles me and we get up shortly after.


Wait. Earlier you said that you never turn him down. Now the story is changing. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> Wait. Earlier you said that you never turn him down. Now the story is changing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


She is splitting hairs I think. 

She says if he tells her he wants to have sex with her, she won't say no. However, if he wants sex, but asks her if she wants sex she will say no. To me it seems like a way to justify her rejection while still be able to say she doesn't say no when he wants sex.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She is splitting hairs I think.
> 
> She says if he tells her he wants to have sex with her, she won't say no. However, if he wants sex, but asks her if she wants sex she will say no. To me it seems like a way to justify her rejection while still be able to say she doesn't say no when he wants sex.


Sure seems super complex, especially for a couple married for awhile. Since @Mrs Mac is on HRT, a discussion with her doctor might result in them adding Testosterone to the HRT. Which will run her libido through the roof. She will be *WANTING* it 24/7 and jumping Mr Mac every single morning whether he is ready or not. 

Speaking from personal experience. Better living through chemistry


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


"Simply because I don't need sex" and "another hour in bed which isn't a priority." Those two comments say a ton. You don't need sex although your husband may need sex. And it's not a priority to you, although it is to him. You are in charge, you call the shots. I feel sorry for him.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> The only way to get back into being sexually adventurous is to actually BE sexually adventurous and enjoy the fun, playfulness, and orgasms that you have doing that. Break out of your rut of refusing only because you don’t need sex and you like to get up when you wake up, and embrace your excitement for doing something new and different that feels good with someone you love.
> 
> BE the change you want to see.


Read this 20 times or until you have an aha moment.

He's literally giving you the opportunity to make it right (every?) morning, and you're here wondering what to do. Well, he's regularly serving you the answer on a silver platter with flowers.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> She said her husband age 65 didn’t function well (ED) other than morning. So he can only get it up in mornings. She doesn’t want to in the morning unless he asks. And he doesn’t want to ask unless she wants to. And he wont use boner pills I guess. He gets HJ in morning if he wants, or uses his own hand.
> 
> Add enough conditions to any situation, and it wont ever happen. At end of day we all do what we want to do. Or resent doing what we dont want to do.


yep… not going to happen with so many conditions attached to it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

theloveofmylife said:


> This. Psych yourself up for it, and get yourself in the mood. Wear things that make you feel sexy. Try a new look or a new perfume. Look up stuff you've never done that you might like to try. Maybe get a hotel for a night for a change of scenery then think about hot sex all day and rock his world that night. Ask him for a nice, sensual, full body massage. Get creative.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd recommend creating more sexual tension. If it doesn't have to be in the morning, flirt with her and tease her all day then don't do anything about it. Don't drag it out to the point of frustration (keep it playful, fun, and sensual), but leave her wanting more until she's hot for it. Then, make the magic happen.


Thanks for the advice.

I have tried that and it still only results in a 30-40% success rate. She never really gets hot for it. I can do it for a few days and maybe after a week she will show some faint interest. But by then you are kind of worn out by trying with no results. But I always try.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> So
> 
> 
> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


Thanks for the reply. Thats what my wife would say as to her going to the gym or for a walk is more important than having sex in the morning.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Thanks for the reply. Thats what my wife would say as to her going to the gym or for a walk is more important than having sex in the morning.


Exactly, it is about priorities and the husband's sexual needs come second to the gym.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Thats what my wife would say as to her going to the gym or for a walk is more important than having sex in the morning.


Tell her sex burns more calories than walking does


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Tell her sex burns more calories than walking does


She can easily find out that sex burns about 1/3 calories per hour of walking.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

We remind one another how it’s good exercise, gets hearts pumping etc.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> She can easily find out that sex burns about 1/3 calories per hour of walking.


Well, it was just a joke.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

theloveofmylife said:


> Well, it was just a joke.


More fun than walking. Way more


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.





Mrs Mac said:


> I feel really happy in our marriage and never used. He knows that all I want is for him to be sexually satisfied. He never complains and often asks on a morning when he wakes with an election if I would like to have sex (I only feel like it first thing).
> if I say no, I’m fine he cuddles me and we get up shortly after.





Mrs Mac said:


> you ask why I say no on a morning. Simply because I don’t need sex and I like to get up when I wake up and get to the gym or whatever else I have planed. We tend to get up early and sex means another hour in bed which isn’t a priority. When we do have it’s because I’ve woken earlier than usual.


You realize that when he asks if you want to make love, he is, in fact, asking you to make love - right? Every time he asks you if you want to make love, he is asking you for sex. You are turning him down. Therefore, you saying that you aren't turning him down is not true, whether you think so or not. You are denying your husband sex. Is that what you really want to be doing?


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Since @Mrs Mac is on HRT, a discussion with her doctor might result in them adding Testosterone to the HRT. Which will run her libido through the roof


Sadly not always true. My wife tried T cream for a few months. It did ZERO for her libido. She was half convinced it would give her cancer so perhaps that destroyed any impact on her drive. She also complained loudly about her skin turning oily and new acne. So that was that…


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> She was half convinced it would give her cancer so perhaps that destroyed any impact on her drive.


Understandable. 

All I was suggesting was that since @Mrs Mac said she WANTED her drive to be higher, and since she was already on HRT under doctor's supervision (presumably to treat other menopausal symptoms), it would do no harm to discuss the issue with the treating physician. The way they managed it with my wife was to decrease the estrogen/progesterone ratio, not actually adding any testosterone. The reasoning was to decrease estrogen in the blood which was too high. She didn't need a higher libido but she surely got one. They hadn't warned her of that effect so she and I were both 'surprised.' Honestly, I was worried about being able to keep up the pace. Thankfully they adjusted the mix to tone things down below insatiable.

Any HRT (for either gender) carries some risk. In my wife's case, she was diagnosed with DCIS after more than two decades on HRT. So the HRT has stopped for months now, and she can never again use any estrogen supplement. The strange thing is nothing has changed.


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## Evan A. Maxwell (6 mo ago)

I think when confronted with sexual problems in the relationship, The bedroom has to be the worst location to experience sexual issues in a relationship since you are both exposed and vulnerable there. Rather, locate an abandoned, private, and all-alone space in a neutral place.

Tell your partner to try your best to communicate gently and without ever implying guilt. Even if it's crucial to express your worries, do it in the context of your relationship instead of making claims about how "you" are making the other person worried. Worry assumes responsibility for that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mrs Mac said:


> Hi
> I’m 57 and my husband is 11 years older than me. We have been together for 35 years and been married 30 years.
> my husband has two children from his first marriage but we have none together.
> we had a hood sex life until
> ...


What HRT are you on. My wife is 54, hysterectomy about 12 yrs ago. She takes estradiol, and compounded bioidentical Testosterone and Progesterone creams. She has no issues what so ever in the sex department. May be you need to adjust levels. If your OBGYN is not comfortable, go to wellness clinic that is up on HRT.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> One other hint -- COCONUT OIL works wonders for dryness....


I think Avocado oil works better.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mrs Mac said:


> He rarely gets day time erections now and when I dip I feel mist aroused in the morning.


Men's testosterone are highest in morning. He probably needs some testosterone himself.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Isn’t this similar to the gym in that “I like working out when I’m here but I just feel any desire to go when I’m not.”? You are either motivated to go or your not. Could be hormones or energy or something else. Key is figuring out why.

One-sided decisions on “what’s important and what becomes optional” are very dangerous in my opinion if not discussed. Suddenly you grant your partner the right to make things “optional.” My wife thinks it’s imperative we have a huge lake house for all the grandkids but she only brings in 20% of our income. I could easily say “I love when we rent Air BnB’s but I don’t think much about it the other 51 weeks.” or “I like work but I just don’t feel to interested anymore. Hey I’m wore out at 48 and working less as you get older is a part of life right?”

Perhaps this is something that needs to be worked out in counseling.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


It's just part of getting older. It may or may not happen to him some day too.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Ok, you've almost lost interest in sex, but have you also lost interest in your husband? This and another thread have me doing a lot of thinking. 

The one thing I keep coming back to is that I get pleasure from giving my husband pleasure. 

Don't you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> Ok, you've almost lost interest in sex, but have you also lost interest in your husband? This and another thread have me doing a lot of thinking.
> 
> The one thing I keep coming back to is that I get pleasure from giving my husband pleasure.
> 
> Don't you?


This only means one thing.....you're a keeper!
And he should feel the same about you.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Mrs Mac said:


> Thanks. The trouble is he is such a caring man and he knows that if he asked to have intercourse I would agree as I would never refuse him but he wouldn’t do it just to please himself as he wants me to enjoy it as well. I enjoy it when he or I masturbate him which he does like.
> we have a great social life but I can understand why when I enjoy it I don’t want more.


Well you do enjoy MB together. That is a big plus. You might both like other things as well if you use your imagination.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

theloveofmylife said:


> Ok, you've almost lost interest in sex, but have you also lost interest in your husband? This and another thread have me doing a lot of thinking.
> 
> The one thing I keep coming back to is that I get pleasure from giving my husband pleasure.
> 
> Don't you?


That's a lovely thing to say. I wonder if my wife does but am afraid to ask, I make so much effort trying to please her but she seems to be more interested in my enjoying it. I sometimes wonder whether I should just enjoy what she does without feeling guilty. I have a feeling she is like you but am not certain about it. Everyone is different. never one size fits all.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> So you're turning him down (rejecting him) on a regular basis, and he's just too darned nice a guy to make a big deal of it. You "love him to bits" but haven't been able to physically and mentally transition from pre-to-post menospause intimacy.
> 
> Sex may not mean much to you anymore, but it does to him, since, as you say, he "often" asks if you'd like sex in the morning. Unlike you, his sex drive, if it declines at all, is going to do so very gradually, while you dropped off the map like last week's stock market. If you don't actively dislike sex (and please be honest if that's now the case), you could move mountains for the one you love by being prepared in the morning. Have that lube handy. Better yet, try the coconut oil that's been suggested. You taking the initiative on just that one thing (a different lube) shows that you're part of the solution, not the problem.
> 
> ...


I think that is a bit hard. She gets pleasure from him enjoying it. That's a great thing to have for any husband.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Mrs Mac said:


> Can I just clarify the two comments which are consistent. If my husband told me he wanted sex I would agree and never refuse, however, when asks on a morning he is asking me if I would like sex and if I say no he’s fine with it and if he needs relief the either he or I or both will masturbate him. He has told me many times he isn’t interested in intercourse just to satisfy him.
> thanks for all the interesting advice and support as I really would like to want to be sexually adventurous once more.


You are doing well. You need to do other things as well like going to the gym etc. Everything is not about sex. To enjoy your husband's pleasure is a massive plus to me but there is a time and place for these things.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> You realize that when he asks if you want to make love, he is, in fact, asking you to make love - right? Every time he asks you if you want to make love, he is asking you for sex. You are turning him down. Therefore, you saying that you aren't turning him down is not true, whether you think so or not. You are denying your husband sex. Is that what you really want to be doing?


I don't think it is quite like that.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mrs Mac said:


> Can I just clarify the two comments which are consistent. If my husband told me he wanted sex I would agree and never refuse, however, when asks on a morning he is asking me if I would like sex and if I say no he’s fine with it and if he needs relief the either he or I or both will masturbate him. He has told me many times he isn’t interested in intercourse just to satisfy him.
> thanks for all the interesting advice and support as I really would like to want to be sexually adventurous once more.


No, he’s not fine with it. He’s just too weak to assert himself. Which is very sad. If he asked for it, he needs it.

Someone also should’ve taught him a long time ago not to ask for sex, but rather to just start initiating it. But that’s another thread


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

346745 said:


> More fun than walking. Way more


Apparently not for OP.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

God bless you (OP) for trying.

If you are not interested in sex, but you still enjoy it, and you are initiate it because your husband still wants it. I think you are already an Angel to him. 

I hope he is also doing something that may not be interesting to him but he is doing it just because that will make you happy.

This is the kind of simple things that will keep a marriage for a long time


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

He will continue to be loving adoring husband you say he is after 30 +yrs together, till he does become frustrated enough. The comment you made of the morning sex routine is a very telling issue concerning the problem. Its normally *you *that says yes or no then, regardless of if an erection available or not. This contradicts the earlier statement of you don't want it, but will not refuse, also the fact that it seems to inconvenience* your *schedule to be in bed together sharing intimacy, yet again stating concerns he might look elsewhere?
it seems as though there are inconsistencies within your story. Either you will enjoy sex with him if he pursues it regardless of time, or you do not?


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