# Husband vs Vibrator



## Hardrocker03 (Feb 15, 2011)

How should I feel?

It will be our third anniversary end of this month we had our first child in October. We moved in together about 6 months before being married while dating the sex was great. As soon as we moved in together it started to dwindle quickly. I work out of town for weeks at a time so that makes it even more difficult.

First it started with dividing the bed (king size) with kitty beds and rolling herself in 2-3 blankets at bedtime. Whenever I try to initiate she just rolls over and wants a back-rub which 9 out of 10 turn into her falling asleep (or faking falling asleep). If I push hard enough I get what I consider pity sex or if we have had a few drinks she actually shows interest. I literally have to beg.

She says it is all my fault I don't show any affection other than wanting sex and there is no romance. For the record I am not nor have a ever been a super affectionate person. She basically makes no effort. When I come home I do more than my share around the house thinking it might help.

So here is the kicker.......last year we had some friends visiting out have a few ****tails and she made the comment that she had two vibrators. Stunned I said nothing and thought to myself being away from home a lot it is better than the alternative (finding another man). Shortly after the shock wore off from the comment said I did not appreciate her toys.

So, two days after we have a difficult discussion about how our sex life is a joke and it's all my fault I find her vibrator in the sock drawer. I confront her she says she does not remember any conversations about having it or that I didn't like it. Also that it has not been used in the last year so I ask why do you still have it all I get is I don't know it was really expensive line of crap and that she is sorry.

The next three days I get a kiss good-night and daytime sex while the baby is napping. I can only imagine it is strictly guilt sex. After the three days it was back to begging.

I have not been myself lately very depressed and resentful of my wife. The dis-trust monster is starting to show it's ugly head. I know I should let it go but the last three years of little or now sex and blaming me for it while she is pleasuring herself with someone else s penis????? This was the icing on the cake to what I feel is not a healthy marriage.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

It could all be about how you interpret the stuff you do. It could be that what you do is not what she values as affectionate. On the other hand, you could be too much of a nice guy.

Try to figure out what is really going on. There could be an underlying problem such as her really wanting something else from you in the relationship. It could also be that she is just not into sex (unlikely) or just not into sex with you. The vibe is not the problem in your situation.

As I say to most women who are concerned about porn in their relationship: It's not about the vibe. My girl has several vibes, wands, dildos, eggs and plugs. I bought most of them. I believe that the fact that she allegedly prefers a vibrator is symptom of something wrong in your relationship. Plus, it might be true that she hasn't used it in a while, even if unlikely.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Hardrocker03 said:


> She says it is all my fault I don't show any affection other than wanting sex and there is no romance. For the record I am not nor have a ever been a super affectionate person. She basically makes no effort. When I come home I do more than my share around the house thinking it might help.


Sorry, dude. She told you exactly what she needs to feel more sexual with you, and you basically said tough, that's not how I am. If you expect her to meet your needs, then maybe you oughtta start thinking about meeting hers too. The vibrator isn't the problem here, it's that you haven't put any effort into making her feel loved and cherished.


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## Hardrocker03 (Feb 15, 2011)

I know the problem is not just the vibe. It is most upsetting she had been hiding it for three years.

There was affection/compliments to start with I guess it disappeared quickly when the bed divider went up then the blame game started. She has never been rejected or turned away.

I completely support my family financially (including my wife's pre-marriage debt) after being gone for 3-5 weeks at a time I am expecting some gratitude when I get home.

I know I have been to nice letting her walk all over me is just creating more resentment and making it really difficult to show more affection.

The chatting is helping I don't really have anybody else to talk too. Thanks


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

OK first, women are a bit strange after having a baby, they do not feel "sexy" anymore, it's your job, as odd is may seem, to make her feel sexy.

I'm 41, I been with my wife for 20 years, three kids. To this day, I constantly hit on her, may sexual advances at her, grab her butt, wink, flirt, etc. She has to know she is "sexy to you" See her in a nice outfit, say out loud, Yea, I want some of that" etc. Compliment her, out of no where tell her that her butt looks awesome when walking behind her.

It is the little things.

Plus switch it up, Make her a warm bubble bath with Candles. Mood music, next time play strip poker with her, then maybe some naughty S&M fun.

The point is have fun with it, mix it up, Flowers out of no where, Make out with her when she is not expecting it.

She will pay attention a lot to the baby, which she should, so should you, but you still need to make her feel sexy.

As for Vibrators, every woman should ahve one, My wife has the Hitachi magic wand, the best ope the market, keeps it plugged in next to our bed. When home alone she will use it for hours, it's not a competition.

tell your wife you want to watch her use her toy, tell her to use it and take pics and send them to your mobile phone, its a turn on for them.

the bottom line you need to make her feel sexy, A quickie is good here and there, but sometimes she needs more.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

When you get married you make a 'contract'....its all about team work. There are things that need to be done to make the 'unit' work...the man fuels the car, gets it serviced, paints the bedrooms etc, the wife does the washing, cooks etc then you have the joint 'chores' which could include any of the above. You work together as a team for the benefit of the (family) unit.

Wives like massages, candle lit baths etc etc, have sexually closed weeks in the month etc that we husbands have to live with and respect.
Wives also have to accept that in the marriage 'package' there is sex...and we men need it more than they do. So just as we have to accept 'closed weeks', do the massages etc THEY have to accept and respect our needs. It is very much a too way street.

We should not feel we have to sweep the yard, do the laundry etc in the hope that we might get laid. Nor should our wives use the 'promise' of sex to get us to do something.
Unfortunately because sex is so important to men we will do almost anything to get 'it' within our marriage. Women know this...it gives them a great degree of control over us.

If a marriage is 'working' outside the bedroom; you are both doing your fair share of chores etc, spooning, massages etc but your wife (and all this can apply the other way aswell) is simply not interested in sex and doesnt respect your sexual needs and desires therefore is not fulfilling her marriage vows, then our wives need to be told, in respectful but very plain language that it is likely that we will seek sexual relief ('commercial sex' or have an affair) elsewhere.

A marriage is an all inclusive package...you can't say 'I will accept this part but not that part'...you have to accept the good, the bad and the ugly!..including sex!

Hardrocker - I know this is alot easier said than done, but you have to be very blunt with her....or just back off...don't give her the massages etc.
Start flirting with other women...she might start thinking 'Hey! If I don't pull my socks up, I'm going to lose this guy'...

Take the control away from her....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Maybe she wants you to use the vib on her. ask her if she would use it in front of you tell her it would make you hot to see her in action.

make it fun and playfull


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

All the self pleasuring in the world doesn't take the place of the connection you get from your partner. If the sex was great in the beginning then it could probably be great again. Marriage and kids do change things. Just day to day life can put a kink in your love life. I know how you feel in a way because I was never a very affectionate person either. It was a learning experience for me too with my husband. I'm certainly no pro and I have major issues in my own marriage but if I were you I wouldn't give her a hard time about the vibrator. If you ask almost any doctor they will tell you that self pleasuring is very healthy. Maybe you could try reconnecting on a different level, try bringing back the spark that you had when you were dating. Talk about it too. The fact that she is telling you what she needs from you is a good think I think. I wish you luck.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Hardrocker03 said:


> How should I feel?
> 
> It will be our third anniversary end of this month we had our first child in October. We moved in together about 6 months before being married while dating the sex was great. As soon as we moved in together it started to dwindle quickly. I work out of town for weeks at a time so that makes it even more difficult.
> 
> ...



Dude. It's the 21st century. She jills off with a vibe, like a hundred million other women in N. America. Get over it.

She's not trying to replace you with it, so don't feel like you're in competition. It sounds like you need to have a long, complicated talk about your mutual sex life, and then your individual sexualities. But you never get pissed off at the vibe. Nor her for having a few. That's just unmanly. I'm sympathetic about the begging -- no one likes to beg -- but lay off her toy box. Everyone needs an escape valve, and that's hers.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are absolutly right to being affronted by her attitude, she divorced you without telling you!! 

I don't think you have to justify your request for an marital relationship with your wife by recounting what you have done for your family. You think you are still married and assumed you should do all of the things a married man should do. So that goes without saying. Marriage, is a priori, is a sexual relationship with one's spouse, period. 

She got married now she has divorced you in essence by not having sex. The vibrators are not the problem, it the fact that she checked out of marriage with you. I think it would help if you thought of it that simply so you don't get caught up going on tangents and loosing the irrefutable basic message. . 

Why she feels justified in treating you this way is another question. If you did not uphold your vows, started ignoring her, brought new clothing, come home an hour or 2 late from work, go out on Fri and Sat night with friends, sleep in on Sun, not talking with her, not being affectionate, or engaging her in any meaningful way. 

All the while remaining frendly and calm, stop coming to her for sex or anything for that matter. She will get steamed, you have be ready. Don't fight no matter what she says just act happy and clam. 

Tell her calmly what you are doing but not why, let her stew for awhile. Then when what the time is right sit down with her tell her in a serous calm authoritative way why. Keep in mind that you are willing to be a good husband and you are asking her to be a good wife and treat you with the respect your have earned. 

Be very resolute, you asked for her hand in marriage she was happy to accept you now she has withdrawn and you are human so you have withdrawn too. Why have you given away your power, are you afraid she will leave? There is an outside chance she may but, she will come back, remain calm and on message. 

I think tit for tat is childish but I think she has given you nonverbal accent to check out of the marriage too.

You know your wife better than I do so do this only if it feels right.


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## Hardrocker03 (Feb 15, 2011)

At first I was a little insecure about it. I told her I didn't mind it just hiding it pressed my buttons. She is coming tomorrow to visit me on the job we have a couple things to talk about hopefully no blow-ups. I did buy a new one for her today if things go well maybe we can have a little fun time together.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Hardrocker03 said:


> At first I was a little insecure about it. I told her I didn't mind it just hiding it pressed my buttons. She is coming tomorrow to visit me on the job we have a couple things to talk about hopefully no blow-ups. I did buy a new one for her today if things go well maybe we can have a little fun time together.


Good job XD If that doesn't work, well, you could try other stuff


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