# Husband has moved back in but....



## BeenThereAndSuffering

So here it is, my husband and I seperated for a few weeks, he felt he was having a midlife crisis at age 28, didn't know if he wanted to married or not, didn't know what he wanted period, at bthe beginning I begged and pleaded because we have 3 beautiful children but I threw in the towel and let him do what he wanted til he could figure it out for himself what he wanted, well, I recieved a text that said I know what I want it is you and my kids, so he came back home, now on a side note he had been seeing another woman during our seperation all the way up til 2 days before coming home. Well, a co-worker exposedtheiraffair which led to the OW mate committing suicide, now my husband feels responsible and is majorly depressed and withdrawing from me AGAIN, he even left our house in the middle of night to pick her up from bar and take her home because he felt responsible, he claims he broke it off completely and I want to believe him but its hard. So, I guess maybe I picked the wrong thread for this but here are my questions..

1) After reconcilation, how long does it take to grow affectionate again?

2) Is there any way besides just being there to help him understand that there were other options this OM could have took besides suicide?

any and all comments appreciated.....


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## Kurosity

No one is responsible for the OM taking his life not even the OW. The man was clearly ill enough to take his own life which means that there was more to his illness then a cheating spouse. Depression is a progressive complex illness and no one is ever responsible for a person taking their own life no one.

Mid life at 28? Really? Was he already in the A before he left? 

Your H should not be picking her up and things like that. He should not be in contact with her at all. If they were together then they will do it again. Nope your H needs to end all contact with her. 

Stop enabling your H and the OW to continue to have an EA. His guilt is not an excuse to remain in contact with this other woman. It is not ok at all.


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## Kurosity

ANd get your H some IC as soon as you can if he is feeling depressed and things. Perhapse there is something more going on with him if he is having mid life crises at 28. yep and get into MC right away.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

I tried the MC he isn't interested, at first he thought he could work through this depression and guilt on his own with me beside him, but I think this is just to much for us to bear in a new fresh relationship. any advice on maybe helplines or anyone been through something like this before...I tried to get him to go to MD for possible anti-depressants but that was a no...just need help it hurts me to see him hurting..


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## tm84

Your husband shout not be involved nor having any contact with the OW, regardless of the circumstances. He seems like he really needs to get into IC, at the very least. 

Aside from his guilt about the A being exposed, he's probably mourning the loss of his connection with the OW. He needs to show you in no uncertain terms that he is 100% committed to your relationship and marriage and that means no contact with OW, letting you have passwords and access to his social media and computer, going to counseling to work on himself and/or MC with you. Without solid committment from him, then you have nothing to stand on to make your relationship better.


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## This is me

This is an awful story. Obviously the OW was someone with major issues to make the ultimate selfish act. This also reflects on your husband for not seeing this is her.

I suggest doing all you can to save your marriage, but with bounderies and much counseling for both of you.

I wish you well. A very sad story!


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## BeenThereAndSuffering

THank you, today has been a little better, he actually got out of bed and played with kids.


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## Honeystly

Wait, so the OW cheats on her partner and leaves him, breaks his heart and spirit, the guys kills himself and you think that's a selfish act? It's a devastated act which all the WS probably considered. Doll, as for you problem... this one is hard. How about telling him go to for individual counceling? He will need to work through his double, triple feelings of guilt now. 
I just hope that he didn't come back to you after the guy killed himself, because that's also a cowardly act of him #2. First, for leaving you for her. Then for leaving her for you (for the wrong reasons...possibly). Just make sure that he came back for the right reasons. It would be so unfair to you if you had to clean up his mess. So unfair. He owes you everything, not vice versa.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Kurosity said:


> No one is responsible for the OM taking his life not even the OW. The man was clearly ill enough to take his own life which means that there was more to his illness then a cheating spouse. Depression is a progressive complex illness and no one is ever responsible for a person taking their own life no one.
> 
> Mid life at 28? Really? Was he already in the A before he left?
> 
> Your H should not be picking her up and things like that. He should not be in contact with her at all. If they were together then they will do it again. Nope your H needs to end all contact with her.
> 
> Stop enabling your H and the OW to continue to have an EA. His guilt is not an excuse to remain in contact with this other woman. It is not ok at all.



I call bull, he is responsible in part for the OW's H's death. The suicide rates of men over infidelity and marriage breakdown is three times higher than it is for women. 

You don't have to be suffering from any form of clinical depression to take your own life. I'll bet many of the guys in this forum have sat there with a gun in their mouth or looked at rock cuts on the highway as a way out. The only difference between them and him was generally someone at the door or a phone ringing at that final second or two. All that said I agree with the rest of it, no contact, period.


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## synthetic

> No one is responsible for the OM taking his life not even the OW.


uhh Hello?!!!!

Humans have different levels of vulnerability to certain life events. The OW owns a huge share of the responsibility for her partner's suicide. She most likely knew the kind of person he was and still chose to target his weakness.

Infidelity really kills a huge part of a man's existence. Suicidal thoughts are almost a given. Some people act on the thoughts and although they are indeed responsible for such actions, they cannot be fully blamed for finding themselves in that situation.

I'm afraid this situation is one that will take perhaps decades before the pain of guilt subsides for your husband and that piece of crap OW.


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## Honeystly

Beenthereandsuffering, how's it all going?


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## Emma1981

I started reading this thread because my husband at 28, also is going through some sort of twenties crisis (no affair, ex-military, PTSD etc). Then I kept reading - holy moly! 

I agree that neither party is responsible (aka the husband and OW) ... all people are accountable for their own actions. That does not mean there won't be a lot of guilt and depression here for either person. 

That being said, I have to agree - why is this man picking her up? Not to be harsh here but if that was my husband - this time I would be sending him packing and he would not be coming back.


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