# Losing my marriage..



## dirtmcgirt (Dec 20, 2010)

Hello everyone.. 

Let me start by saying that I'm one of those husbands that never thought he would be at this point in his life. It's a difficult time that I'm not sure how to get through, so I'm fishing for anything. 
So here's the story. 

About 2 months ago, while out at dinner, my wife told me that she no longer wanted to be married. She was calm, which was scary. It was not an emotional response to an argument, which I could have taken better. We have been married for 8 years, together since we were 16 years old. We have always been honest with each other, and open about all things in our relationship. We have a toddler too. 

About 6 months ago, I did something stupid.. I was frustrated because I didn't feel like we were having sex enough.. And really we weren't compared to a year before. But out of my frustration, I told her that I was considering leaving. Though I wasn't considering divorce at all, it came out that way. In the back of my mind I was just hoping that she would try to understand how sexually frustrated I was at the time. Of course I never left, and things went on like normal. We tended to get along a little better than normal, which I liked, so I just got over the lack of sexual intimacy between us. 

Around the same time, my wife started going out with friends from work, almost bi-weekly for drinks for dancing, which I was completely fine with. Until the weekend before she told me that she wanted a divorce. She went to a Halloween party and didn't come home until 5am. I was pissed. I could understand staying out a little late, but 5 am at a house full of men and single women just didn't work well with me. 

After a few days after she dropped the bombshell on me, she told me that a physician at work had been showing her a lot of attention lately.. but that it was just innocent flirting. 

I begged her to stay.. I told her that I would do whatever is necessary to fix things.. even sell the house, move away, or get an apartment so she would no longer have to work.

Ok, so we decided to try to work things out in our marriage, but I honestly don't feel like she wants to do that. We went to a marriage counselor last week and my wife told her that she was on board to fix things. We have been getting along well in the past month, but I feel like it's because we're avoiding the problem. 

I want to talk to her about how we can start working on things, but every time that I bring anything up about us, she gets so defensive and angry. She doesn't want to discuss it she says, since we seem to be "getting along just fine." But I feel like she hates me at this point, and I'm an annoyance to her. I walk around trying to do everything that I can to please her and make her happy, but anytime that I say "Hey can we talk?" she just goes back into defensive mode, telling me to stop trying to stir up things. I have bought books on marriage, and asked her to read them with me, but she refuses because she said those books don't keep her interest like Twilight. 

She says that she has always been completely faithful to me, however, I can't help but feeling that she is feeling bad about something that she's done. Maybe with the doctor. He is divorced because he had an affair with another girl at the same hospital a year ago. I think she doesn't even want to get close to the subject for fear of revealing something. Why would she get so defensive and hateful otherwise to me. I just feel like I deserve to be treated better at this point. It's like as long as I'm doing whatever she wants me to do, and keeping my mouth shut, we're ok. 

At this point I'm thinking of letting her have her wish and just giving up. I know this is a battle that I can't fight by myself, and I feel like I'm doomed either way. I can get false hope by trying to get along, while I'm dying inside because I can't get any answers or help out of her. Or I can walk away knowing that I've done the best I could, and try to get on with my life. I don't want to imagine life without her, or not seeing my daughter every morning, but I can't live this way either for much longer. It's painful thinking that the sight of you disgusts your wife after all of this time. And I really want her to be happy.. I just wanted to be the one who makes her happy. 

Should I give her time? I know that fixing the problems will not happen in a day or a week, but I don't feel like we are making any progress, by not discussing it. 

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you both. You guys need to get out of the house and go have a heart to heart. Lay it all out on the table like grown ups. I was in a similar situation just last week, not knowing what to do, though no one was packing bags. But at that point where you don't know whether to try again, give up, or give it one last fight. My H didn't know what was best, as he just wanted to stop hurting me and wants me to be happy. He actually hates himself for causing me pain. So, I went and got our marriage vows, which we had written to each other, and basically threw it in his face. Then I had his mom drive up and watch the kids so we could go talk. We just sat in the car down the road, and got a lot out. It helps to really be able to ask questions and let things out. Nothing was resolved immediately, but we're both committed as of now, though we know it will be slow. Counseling will be necessary, if you decide to stay together. But having a kid, and going out separately, and just growing apart are hard to get past. I wish you luck. But that's all I can advise you, to just get it all out.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Well Old Dirty Bastard, i don't know what to tell you. How was your relationship, despite the fact that you weren't getting enough s3x??? Atfirst i thought she was getting her revenge for you "going there" about leaving her. U have to be careful when sayings things like that, it can be real damaging to their pyche. But its weird, if you guys are okay prior to your making your stament, its possible that you lost her emotionally when you said that. Her once firm boundaries were weakened, and allowed room for this doctor to enter her heart. Her being out till 5 am would of been a huge red flag to me. My wife has done that once, but i knew where she was, and knew she was getting back late, and she wasn't drinking because she was the designated driver. But in the best case scenario, she may just have a slight EA with the guy. Does she communicate with him while at home. This sounds salvagable, only if she is willing to meet you half-way. Ask what she wants. I know you said she says everything is fine, but obviously it isn't. Go away for the weekend w/out the kid( with no pressure of sex) and just talk it out with her. Asks her does she really want out, if she does, i would not waste my time dragging this out anymore.


----------



## dirtmcgirt (Dec 20, 2010)

Thanks..
You know, I realize that I haven't been a perfect husband throughout our marriage, but to me divorce was just never an option for us. Our faith was too strong, or so I thought. So yes, I probably could have done things differently in the past. But, I was never unfaithful, physically, or mentally and I did things that I thought she would have wanted from me. And, no our relationship has never been ALL about the bedroom. There have been times that we didn't or couldn't have sex, and things were outstanding in our marriage. That was ok with me. I think that there has been an underlying feeling of her pulling away from me for a while now, and that is just another way for me to feel close to her. 

I'm going to wait until after Christmas, and sit her down for the final thought discussion. I realize that it may not end the way I want it to, but one way or another I will get things off of my chest and feel better about it.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Be strong and confident, chicks don't like to see there men pitiful or weak, so no begging.

She was at a point of saving her, but that time has past with the connection she has made with the OM, and the OM took advadage of your troubled marraige. 

Tolorating her behavior will only send her deeper into the OM. Demand no contact, create an enviorment that will cause as much dificulty for the affair to continue. Its a balancing act, show confidence with your self and show her you care about the marriage.

More then likely she will continue to go out, get the evidence with them together ( keep it on the down low) and then let her know that you are not going to except this behavior and give her choice to stay at home with no contact with OM, or leave now and be there with him. Find who this guy is, if he's married great another avenue to take.

What ever you do do not leave. Stay calm she will push your buttons, she will blame it on you and she will make you look like the bad guy. Hence the evidence.

Good luck on getting her back if you want if you want, but the no sex thing would have me pushing my W into OM's house and out of mine.


----------



## notme (Jul 15, 2011)

I can totally relate to you. My husbands problem and anger excuse is an addiction to pain pills. I know where you are coming from and I have been living with the same treatment for 22 years this Sept. and together for about 26. I am now invested with 3 children, the home and 2 dogs. We have been through rehab 3 times and the start was alcoholism. I understand the $ issue as well. You need to decide what the bottom line is. I never stayed strong with this and we had children right away. It's a long, painful, and stressful journey. Are you prepared for that. 

I had often threatened divorce as a tactic to control my husbands bad behavior. It would work for a while. He would never utter the word divorce. Well, about 2 mths ago. he began discussing leaving. Last night he picked a fight and then told me he wants to leave. He claims he will do what he needs too for me and the kids to stay in the home, but we have been struggling financially for yrs. I don't think you want to end up in my situation. Think about it. I am distraught and can't bring myself to tell anyone. That is why I am here.


----------



## iya12 (Jul 12, 2011)

If you let the option of losing your marriage, you will start another one and keep losing it. Check the issues of your marriage and be very patient enough to work on it. Your wife may not be easy to work with in rebuilding your marriage, but it can really work if you give time, effort and faith.


patio fireplaces
heating fireplaces


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

_"Be strong and confident, chicks don't like to see there men pitiful or weak, so no begging."_ Man...we can't stress this enough! For the love of GOD, don't be wimp about it...or you might as well just leave.


----------

