# Selfish?



## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

So my husband works as a casual, with that, his hours are very variable. Great pay, but then at the end of the day, for me, there is not stability in your hours being a casual. His hours got cut the other day as one of his clients decided to go another way. He told me that there will be other clients out there and he'd be able to make up for his hours. I feel very uncomfortable with him being very comfortable with this kind of set up.

For so long now, I have been trying to convince him to take courses that would interest him. He took one course before but didn't end up finishing it as he thought it wasn't going to be of help to him, or he lost interest in the middle of the course. Now that he's doing another one which we thought initially would more enticing to him being that it's a field that he could enjoy doing. Now, he's asking if he can change courses AGAIN because it's very hard for him to study, that when he comes home he's already tired, that it is not interesting for him after all. Before he took this course, he promised me that he will keep trying. We got into an argument last night and he apologised and he will force himself to finish the course. I appreciate that. But then there's this fear of constant cycle of this. It just seems to me like he is making excuses all the time. It feels like he has all these wonderful ideas in his head but he is lacking execution. I feel like he hasn't even exerted/maximised his efforts to all of what he says he wants to do. I am getting really frustrated and angry, and impatient and really over it to be honest... Am I being selfish to say that I also want for him to be the best version of himself, for him to keep trying, or am I expecting too much of him... 

I know he is not a bad husband, and I know he wants the best for us... But, when would he start to realise that if he does, he has to start doing something about it......


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What is a casual? A casual what?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is a casual? A casual what?


Someone who works on contract; not on payroll.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> What is a casual? A casual what?


You are not contracted set hours. You're basically on call.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> You are not contracted set hours. You're basically on call.


Most people who are on call get paid a stipend for every hour they're on call so they're not just tied up for nothing. So is he being paid a stipend even when they don't use him on the hours he's agreed to be available?

I love on-call jobs that are not very busy as long as they pay you the stipend because then you can get some work to do at home and be doing that while you're also collecting your stipend. that's basically one of the things I've done over the last 20 years to make things work out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds to me like he isn't interested in taking courses. At least, not at this time. And, from what you've written thus far, it sounds like you want him to show an interest. I'd suggest you stop "encouraging" him and leave it up to him as to what he will - or will not - do. 

Do you work?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Most people who are on call get paid a stipend for every hour they're on call so they're not just tied up for nothing. So is he being paid a stipend even when they don't use him on the hours he's agreed to be available?
> 
> I love on-call jobs that are not very busy as long as they pay you the stipend because then you can get some work to do at home and be doing that while you're also collecting your stipend. that's basically one of the things I've done over the last 20 years to make things work out.


You haven't heard of zero hour contracts.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Most people who are on call get paid a stipend for every hour they're on call so they're not just tied up for nothing. So is he being paid a stipend even when they don't use him on the hours he's agreed to be available?
> 
> I love on-call jobs that are not very busy as long as they pay you the stipend because then you can get some work to do at home and be doing that while you're also collecting your stipend. that's basically one of the things I've done over the last 20 years to make things work out.


You get paid by the hours that you have worked. He is a support/social worker. He has set clients, but then his hours with these clients are not set and that's what makes it difficult, because you commit yourself to days for these clients, but if they cancel work, then you don't get anything, at all... It has been pretty stable with his exisiting clients, but because the nature of the contract is you are not guaranteed hours, it is, for me anyway, unstable as opposed to having guaranteed/contracted hours.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds to me like he isn't interested in taking courses. At least, not at this time. And, from what you've written thus far, it sounds like you want him to show an interest. I'd suggest you stop "encouraging" him and leave it up to him as to what he will - or will not - do.
> 
> Do you work?


Thank you for that... And yes, I have thought about that, too... What stirs me up however is the fact that a lot of times he would say he wants to be this and that but cannot find his execution most times. 

I do work full time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

He is comfortable with a zero hour contract. You are not. Does the pay he earns when he is in contract balance out for the times that he's not? Also, permanent employment is no guarantee either. Is his current work approach a new thing?

With the course he's taking that he wanted to switch from, is it going to be beneficial to what he's doing (or wants to be doing)? I think time and relevancy is important. So if he is realizing it isn't a good fit, then my view is that if it's not going to be of benefit, better to call it sooner rather than later and switch paths. Is it more the case that he's not clear on which direction he is taking? If that is the case, then any direction can be of use rather than treading water. With these good ideas he has, I'm with @Prodigal as to leaving it to him to navigate. He doesn't seem concerned about getting his next piece of work - are you confident that he has a good read on the field that he is in?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> What stirs me up however is the fact that a lot of times he would say he wants to be this and that but cannot find his execution most times.


Yes, I understand your frustration. It sounds like he gets enthused about pursuing something, then loses interest. Why do you think that is? Maybe he just hasn't found his niche yet. Hopefully, he will.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> You get paid by the hours that you have worked. He is a support/social worker. He has set clients, but then his hours with these clients are not set and that's what makes it difficult, because you commit yourself to days for these clients, but if they cancel work, then you don't get anything, at all... It has been pretty stable with his exisiting clients, but because the nature of the contract is you are not guaranteed hours, it is, for me anyway, unstable as opposed to having guaranteed/contracted hours.


Okay, so this is a day-to-day type of scenario compared to some other types of 'contracted' work. 

Is this field or employment type new to him?


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, so this is a day-to-day type of scenario compared to some other types of 'contracted' work.
> 
> Is this field or employment type new to him?


He has been in the job for about 14 months or so now. Well he has set clients at the moment, he has been seeing the same clients since he has started, that also means that they talk about which days he would work for them and how many hours they need each day. This now changes if and when any of his clients cancels the shift for the day or cancels him out completely. There is no security to is in a way that it is no work, no pay day. He can easily get replaced or his hours can get cut easily because he has no contract to say that, "hey, this is my contracted hours and you need to give me that."


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Yes, I understand your frustration. It sounds like he gets enthused about pursuing something, then loses interest. Why do you think that is? Maybe he just hasn't found his niche yet. Hopefully, he will.


I just feel sometimes like he doesn't have that motivation to follow through... I'm honestly not sure... And I really hope he does.. Thank you..


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't think it's selfish of you, by the way. Reflecting on this, Batman and I turn to one another as support, nut through things together, and make mutual decisions that affect our combined income, in terms of the journeys we plan to take. Often when I post here, I relate to my own experiences, and the small snippet I can offer that may be somewhat relatable is when I wanted to change industries a few years ago. As I took a dip in salary to do this, stepping away from corporate and started initial study while working, my husband and I planned on an agreed time-frame in which I was to earn a certain salary again. I felt supported by him, and also knew of the agreed expectation between us. This meant I needed to fast-track my journey, with some fortune (and/or hustle) on my side. His encouragement helped me gain bigger balls to get there and not drag my feet in the process; some side steps were made, while keeping to my values. Within a relatively short time, demonstrating a strong work ethic, and taking up opportunities, I was in a leadership role. And then took on more in-depth study to further progress. My point is, we had a mutual agreement and understanding between us before I started down another path. I'm contradicting what I wrote earlier, but is there a way you can both come up with a plan / agreement?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> You get paid by the hours that you have worked. He is a support/social worker. He has set clients, but then his hours with these clients are not set and that's what makes it difficult, because you commit yourself to days for these clients, but if they cancel work, then you don't get anything, at all... It has been pretty stable with his exisiting clients, but because the nature of the contract is you are not guaranteed hours, it is, for me anyway, unstable as opposed to having guaranteed/contracted hours.


Well, I would agree. I've never heard of an on-call job where you weren't paid at all for agreeing to sit by the phone wasting your time. Sounds to me like he needs a second gig that is flexible if he wants to keep this one. Something he can do from home on his own schedule. Either that or he needs a full-time job and blow this one off. I'm sure that's what you prefer, but he doesn't sound overly ambitious. How are you paying the bills? 

If there's not a huge money deficit, maybe he just needs to pick up a weekend or afterhours service low-paying job like delivery, or maybe Lyft or Uber, which of course takes an investment in a good car and upkeep. Delivery jobs are everywhere right now. Or he could do something like server for tips just in his off hours. I mean, the problem here isn't that he doesn't have options. It's that he can't seem to stick with things and isn't very ambitious.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> He is comfortable with a zero hour contract. You are not. Does the pay he earns when he is in contract balance out for the times that he's not? Also, permanent employment is no guarantee either. Is his current work approach a new thing?
> 
> With the course he's taking that he wanted to switch from, is it going to be beneficial to what he's doing (or wants to be doing)? I think time and relevancy is important. So if he is realizing it isn't a good fit, then my view is that if it's not going to be of benefit, better to call it sooner rather than later and switch paths. Is it more the case that he's not clear on which direction he is taking? If that is the case, then any direction can be of use rather than treading water. With these good ideas he has, I'm with @Prodigal as to leaving it to him to navigate. He doesn't seem concerned about getting his next piece of work - are you confident that he has a good read on the field that he is in?


I think he is a great support worker, he cares for his clients - these are mentally disabled clients by the way, to be more specific. It is a tough job, especially because his interest is in the IT field and then suddenly becoming a support worker. It is a huge turnaround, especially for him. I appreciate that of him as well. But then, like I said, he has all these great thoughts and ambitions that have not pushed through for whatever reasons he make. He did say that he is still in the middle of trying to find his passion and niche, and maybe I should accept that. Maybe he will get there in his own time, I just feel like it's taking a bit of time. And now I feel like I'm contradicting myself as well.. I suppose it's what I want vs. what he wants. But when you start to put something in my head, I expect you follow through with it.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't think it's selfish of you, by the way. Reflecting on this, Batman and I turn to one another as support, nut through things together, and make mutual decisions that affect our combined income, in terms of the journeys we plan to take. Often when I post here, I relate to my own experiences, and the small snippet I can offer that may be somewhat relatable is when I wanted to change industries a few years ago. As I took a dip in salary to do this, stepping away from corporate and started initial study while working, my husband and I planned on an agreed time-frame in which I was to earn a certain salary again. I felt supported by him, and also knew of the agreed expectation between us. This meant I needed to fast-track my journey, with some fortune (and/or hustle) on my side. His encouragement helped me gain bigger balls to get there and not drag my feet in the process; some side steps were made, while keeping to my values. Within a relatively short time, demonstrating a strong work ethic, and taking up opportunities, I was in a leadership role. And then took on more in-depth study to further progress. My point is, we had a mutual agreement and understanding between us before I started down another path. I'm contradicting what I wrote earlier, but is there a way you can both come up with a plan / agreement?


Thank you for that.. Yes, we talk about everything. We try and map out our plans. And he is very supportive of me in whatever I do, as I have been supportive to him - but my support has now turned into somewhat pushy.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> I think he is a great support worker, he cares for his clients - these are mentally disabled clients by the way, to be more specific. It is a tough job, especially because his interest is in the IT field and then suddenly becoming a support worker. It is a huge turnaround, especially for him. I appreciate that of him as well. But then, like I said, he has all these great thoughts and ambitions that have not pushed through for whatever reasons he make. He did say that he is still in the middle of trying to find his passion and niche, and maybe I should accept that. Maybe he will get there in his own time, I just feel like it's taking a bit of time. And now I feel like I'm contradicting myself as well.. I suppose it's what I want vs. what he wants. But when you start to put something in my head, I expect you follow through with it.


When Batman and I have both looked at different paths we are taking, we take into account the math of it. Ugh, math! haha... basically, we consider what we need to support where and how we want to live and to fund our lifestyle and based on the realities of opportunities. So with that, there's typically a time-frame that is considered along with what our priorities are as individuals and as a couple. Does he want to remain in this current field or go to something else completely different? And how does that factor into being a livable salary for your combined needs? Probably what I'm asking is, is this about what he earns or what else you feel he could achieve in terms of what he has to offer, or both?


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, I would agree. I've never heard of an on-call job where you weren't paid at all for agreeing to sit by the phone wasting your time. Sounds to me like he needs a second gig that is flexible if he wants to keep this one. Something he can do from home on his own schedule. Either that or he needs a full-time job and blow this one off. I'm sure that's what you prefer, but he doesn't sound overly ambitious. How are you paying the bills?
> 
> If there's not a huge money deficit, maybe he just needs to pick up a weekend or afterhours service low-paying job like delivery, or maybe Lyft or Uber, which of course takes an investment in a good car and upkeep. Delivery jobs are everywhere right now. Or he could do something like server for tips just in his off hours. I mean, the problem here isn't that he doesn't have options. It's that he can't seem to stick with things and isn't very ambitious.


We're actually not doing too bad with our finances, we have more than enough. Between the both of us, we are doing really great. But it's not even about the finances anymore, it's more of making things happen if that makes sense. I actually do not even need him to be in a full time job, because we both want work-life balance. It's not that he is not overly ambitious, he actually is very ambitious, the problem is not doing anything about it..


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> We're actually not doing too bad with our finances, we have more than enough. Between the both of us, we are doing really great. But it's not even about the finances anymore, it's more of making things happen if that makes sense. I actually do not even need him to be in a full time job, because we both want work-life balance. It's not that he is not overly ambitious, he actually is very ambitious, the problem is not doing anything about it..


Ambition without action is just day-dreaming. And in my view, then it's not ambition - as that can easily lead to a type of delusion.

Yet also, is there a chance he actually doesn't want to do anything differently to what he is? His actions aren't demonstrating otherwise.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How long have you been married/together?


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> When Batman and I have both looked at different paths we are taking, we take into account the math of it. Ugh, math! haha... basically, we consider what we need to support where and how we want to live and to fund our lifestyle and based on the realities of opportunities. So with that, there's typically a time-frame that is considered along with what our priorities are as individuals and as a couple. Does he want to remain in this current field or go to something else completely different? And how does that factor into being a livable salary for your combined needs? Probably what I'm asking is, is this about what he earns or what else you feel he could achieve in terms of what he has to offer, or both?


And I like to think that we are doing the same thing as you and Batman I suppose except for the part where when an opportunity arise for him, he doesn't grab it. And ironically, he is the one to lay out all these wonderful ambitions, but no execution. 

I told him that last night, it has nothing to do with how much he earns anymore. It's the stubborn mentality of sticking to a casual job and not pushing through with your goals.
Our salaries combined are really good. We are able to pay our bills, we travel when we can, we have date nights - no problems in those areas..


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Ambition without action is just day-dreaming. And in my view, then it's not ambition - as that can easily lead to a type of delusion.
> 
> Yet also, is there a chance he actually doesn't want to do anything differently to what he is? His actions aren't demonstrating otherwise.


I agree.. I just hope someday one day, he will realise this, too.


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## CuriousMind_19 (Mar 9, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> How long have you been married/together?


5 years together, one year married. But we've been living together for 4 years now...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> We're actually not doing too bad with our finances, we have more than enough. Between the both of us, we are doing really great. But it's not even about the finances anymore, it's more of making things happen if that makes sense. I actually do not even need him to be in a full time job, because we both want work-life balance. It's not that he is not overly ambitious, he actually is very ambitious, the problem is not doing anything about it..


If he's not doing anything about it then he's not that ambitious. I mean ambition requires momentum and if he doesn't have the momentum then he doesn't really want whatever it is that bad or doesn't want to work for it. If you guys are comfortable financially, I would just leave it up to him what he does because you can't make someone do something.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

So he's financially stable, he also has plenty of leisure time for vacations/dates/etc. But you're not satisfied with the balance he's struck? That's how I'm reading this.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CuriousMind_19 said:


> And I like to think that we are doing the same thing as you and Batman I suppose except for the part where when an opportunity arise for him, he doesn't grab it. And ironically, he is the one to lay out all these wonderful ambitions, but no execution.
> 
> I told him that last night, it has nothing to do with how much he earns anymore. It's the stubborn mentality of sticking to a casual job and not pushing through with your goals.
> Our salaries combined are really good. We are able to pay our bills, we travel when we can, we have date nights - no problems in those areas..


Do you have an understanding why he doesn't go for the opportunities? As in related to confidence / comfort where he's at / opportunities don't appeal to him ...maybe something else? 

When I wrote before about the mutual understanding and expectation between Batman and I, there's also knowing the consequence of that time-frame. And again, this is where realities of opportunities and math come in. But I knew that if I couldn't get to where we agreed, that I'd need to figure something else out - or more likely - revisit the work I was doing prior. It wasn't just an open-ended 'see where this takes me' ...it was a conscious path and knowing what was needed from my end.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he's not doing anything about it then he's not that ambitious. I mean ambition requires momentum and if he doesn't have the momentum then he doesn't really want whatever it is that bad or doesn't want to work for it. If you guys are comfortable financially, I would just leave it up to him what he does because you can't make someone do something.


There's something in this. What is this really about for you? You're both financially comfortable. He's good at the work he provides and likely finds fulfillment in this? So is it that he talks the talk but then doesn't follow through? And why might he do this - I'm now speculating is there a chance he's saying these things to appease you as you seem to expect 'more' from him? I don't mean to sound harsh, this is actually written in a gentle tone that just doesn't come across in type! What is at the root of your concern here?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess I’m confused why you’re so bothered by this since you guys are secure financially? I could totally understand if you were struggling and he wasn’t pulling his weight. I’m a security girl, I need to know that my income is well... incoming lol. But since he seems content in what he’s doing and you aren’t shouldering all the burden, maybe try to appreciate what you do have. Are you worried that if he loses this gig that he may just decide not to work? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also is he a man of his word in other aspects of your life together - reliable and follows through?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I get the casual thing, but I don’t think you should be being pushy. Let him be, just let him do what he’s doing. I couldn’t imagine my hubby suggesting new jobs and courses, I would ask to be left alone. 

You’re not being selfish, but imagine him deciding for whatever reason that you could do better, your job wasn’t secure, here try this, why don’t you do that etc. Think about it, most of us are just happy deciding what our interests and jobs should be.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I guess I’m confused why you’re so bothered by this since you guys are secure financially? I could totally understand if you were struggling and he wasn’t pulling his weight. I’m a security girl, I need to know that my income is well... incoming lol. But since he seems content in what he’s doing and you aren’t shouldering all the burden, maybe try to appreciate what you do have. Are you worried that if he loses this gig that he may just decide not to work?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She married the wrong type of guy. He is not ambitious enough - or "man enough", I guess - for the OP. She will lose her respect for him. It bothers me when people get married and then try and change their spouse. Very unfair. He is what he is.


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