# Curious on what to do....now



## panda68 (Sep 17, 2014)

I know this is posted in the Ladies Lounge. I wanted to see what the female side would say first. I am open to the male side as well.....

So Long story short (even though it looks long I did shorten it): I have been married to the same women for 23 years now. We have had two kids and the youngest is about to turn 18. We have had a rocky relationship all a long but I thought became closer when my oldest got into the wrong crowd. We battled together thru it all and came out on the other side with what I thought was a better relationship and we looked to be closer than ever.

Rewind to Spring of 2010. I noticed on the cell phone bill that a lot of calls to Michigan were taking place and asked my wife what was going on. She replied that a friend from the past was going thru the same thing we had with his daughter and that she was offering advise from time to time. So...I accepted that and asked that she maybe try to cut back or maybe use the house phone. She agreed and that was it.

Fall 2010, the calls maintained and even picked up, now they were all over the place time wise. hour calls at 2am etc. My spidy scenes started to kick in and I soon discovered that she was communicating with this guy more and more. I again asked and was given the same reasoning.

November 2010 I was informed that she wanted to visit Michigan in December to see some friends and to visit a local mansion that is decorated to the nines for the holidays. I began to research what was actually going on. Over the course of a week I discovered that she was looking to leave me for this guy Ross. He was talking with her about our kids and how he wanted to be with her...etc. A call came in one night Thanksgiving weekend and it was him. I asked that she stop immediately. She stated to him "let me call you back" and hung up. She then told me she was leaving.

I didn't want to loose my wife and my family, not this way. I fought the situation and began focusing on her. Showing her that I loved her. I did little things out of the blue from taking a coffee to her at work, to making sure she knew that I still loved her. Communication opened up and we were healing from the ordeal. Then December came.

She set up a king size suite in Michigan for the week-end at over $300 total (normally she grabs a 50-60 dollar room when traveling). I begged her not to go. She then told me that I had nothing to worry about. I came home a few days later to be informed that she had gotten me a surprise, a Brazilian. Two days before she was to leave and it was "for me". she had NEVER done this before. I again asked her not to go, and yet....she did.

Since then we have worked on our marriage and she acts and says all the right things. I myself have tried but can not for the life of me....get over it. It has been almost four years now and it still "bugs me". 

I don't know if it is what possibly took place or the lying when I confronted her with what I knew or the fact that she was going no matter what. 

Our 25th is coming up and she wants to take a trip to London with me to celebrate. I gotta be honest....I don't want to celebrate by throwing a ton of cash toward a trip. To add to my situation, in a conversation with my mom recently she made a comment that since I had been in the Navy and seen a lot of the world, if I didn't want to travel with her she had a friend that would take my place. I asked and she said some lady at work, but in my head......it isn't some lady.

Am I being stupid? Am I wrong? Should I just get over the past and move forward? 

Thoughts and comment (good or bad) are welcomed.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Sounds like you don't have any evidence that she cheated on you while she was away in Michigan and she didn't leave you for the other man. You also haven't said that there have been any signs since then that she communicates with him or goes to see him. It's been four years. Let's say worst case scenario she did f*ck this guy's brains out when she went. She decided to stay with you and you have had a good relationship since. Unless you have real evidence that something is amiss, let it go.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

panda68 said:


> I know this is posted in the Ladies Lounge. I wanted to see what the female side would say first. I am open to the male side as well.....
> 
> So Long story short (even though it looks long I did shorten it): I have been married to the same women for 23 years now. We have had two kids and the youngest is about to turn 18. We have had a rocky relationship all a long but I thought became closer when my oldest got into the wrong crowd. We battled together thru it all and came out on the other side with what I thought was a better relationship and we looked to be closer than ever.
> 
> ...


Does she still call him? That makes a big difference. Me personally I would have ended it when she left. But that's me. A lie is a lie. You cannot suger coat it. But since you stayed now you have to live with the fall out. Looks like counseling is what's needed now. Jmo


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## panda68 (Sep 17, 2014)

Thanks for the feed back. At the time that things were going on, yes I had and have evidence of the communications, however I do not have hard evidence that she in fact (lets say) hooked up while away.

She is still friends with him on facebook (which is where this started I believe) but I have not seen any phone calls. Passwords were all changed once she figured out how I was getting my intel so I can not confirm it has ended. That being stated, she hasn't taken a trip back to Michigan.

As one stated they would have ended it when she left.....I thought about it really hard. Maybe it was fear of being alone or maybe due to our youngest still at home. Either way....I am still here.

Do you ever stop thinking about it?
Will it always be in the back of your mind?

Again, thanks for the reply's. Not sure what I was or am looking for here. Perhaps counseling is in order.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My opinion, speaking as a guy. She did him 6 ways from Sunday on her trip out there. And she doesn't care that you know she went out there, probably because she doesn't think you'll do anything about it. She withholds things like her passwords from you for the same reason. 

My thoughts, continued... The reason why this is still bothering you is because you never resolved anything. You "forgave" her and tried to move on, but you don't know what you forgave her for. You need to drag this skeleton out of the closet and deal with it. Counselling would be a good starting point. Total transparency in communications is another good point. 

C


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Why are you being a doormat? It is unacceptable for her to still be friends with him on facebook. She knows she can do what she want and there won't be consequences. You feeling sad, hurt and insecure is not a strong consequence with her. She just sees it as a minor side effect of her getting what she wants on the side.

You 180ing and demanding respect is a consequence she will HAVE to respond to. She will either commit fully to you or leave because you no longer want to be a fluffy rug beneath her feet.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Sounds like there was no consequences when she got a hotel room with him and there are a few possibilities:
- He used and abused her and kept her on FB out of guilt/fear. Maybe he is married.
- They are still chatting, since she has private passwords, this is the least of what I would think.
- He moved and they continue to see each other before/after work, gym time, GNO, ANY time she is not with you.

In any case, she told you you had nothing to worry about when she booked their hotel room, so basically she does whatever she wants and you comply. 

I don't care how many years ago last contact was, but a woman wants a strong man who sets boundaries, is willing to listen, but not put up with any BS, and to know when he is getting hosed and act accordingly. 

Demand passwords, demand that she block him on FB, act confidant and if she has nothing to hide, this should not be an issue. If she gets defensive, turns everything around on you, tells you that you are jealous/controlling, then know that he is more important than you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

CoralReef said:


> Why are you being a doormat? It is unacceptable for her to still be friends with him on facebook. She knows she can do what she want and there won't be consequences. You feeling sad, hurt and insecure is not a strong consequence with her. She just sees it as a minor side effect of her getting what she wants on the side.
> 
> You 180ing and demanding respect is a consequence she will HAVE to respond to. She will either commit fully to you or leave because you no longer want to be a fluffy rug beneath her feet.


yeah, you need her passwords to all social media sites. Period. Do not put up with that. 

A brazillian as a present for you, huh? Some of this stuff spouses come up with...you just can't make this stuff up!:rofl:


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

You will not get over it. It will continue to fester. So, you have some options:
1) counseling to move past
2) continue in the way you are---probably the worst thing you could do
3) Confront and demand access and no contact (which may be part of #1) and then deal with the fall out.

What you do know is that your wife is a liar, careless about your feelings and relationship and profoundly disrespectful to you.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

As mentioned, it does not matter how long ago 'the trip' happened. Since it was never dealt with it is still fresh in your mind and you know how much it impacts you on a day to day basis.

Like Fenix mentioned above, there are only a few choices that are open to you in order to move past this.

The choice is totally up to you as you cannot make your wife do anything, but you can certainly decide how much and what you are willing to put up with.

Take some real time and think about what you need from life and what you need to do in order to have the life you want.

Good luck.


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## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

Just stop worrying bro. If she have in mind to leave she will anyway. There's nothing we can do about. By begging you just will lose your dignity. Let it goes.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Sounds like you don't have any evidence that she cheated on you while she was away in Michigan and she didn't leave you for the other man. You also haven't said that there have been any signs since then that she communicates with him or goes to see him. It's been four years. Let's say worst case scenario she did f*ck this guy's brains out when she went. She decided to stay with you and you have had a good relationship since. Unless you have real evidence that something is amiss, let it go.


WHAT?

That is just completely insane, I'm sorry. That's like me going to my wife and saying "hey honey, look I ****ed this lady and confirmed I want to be with you". You are the chosen/special one now, it's confirmed. LMAO

OP,

Your wife is doing the following:
a) engaging into inappropriate and disrespectful relationship with another male.
b) emotionally cheating on you
c) Tells you that the guy wants to be with her (even though you should've already known that). He wouldn't be her "friend" if that wasn't the case.....hello
d) goes gets a hotel room and gets Brazillian for some random guy she HARDLY knows and not only puts herself into an extremely dangerous situation but also takes disrespect to a whole new level. Just think about how insane this one is. She does NOT know this stranger, you cannot get to know someone "over the internet".
e) it's safe to assume that she cheated physically. She has already cheated on your emotionally......what do you think? She went to meet him and get to know him? In a hotel room? I'm willing to bet it wouldn't even take alcohol at this point to lay your wife. f) she paid for it too (which means YOU paid for it)

I can easily go to z) with this......but will stop now.

This is just insane, I'm sorry. You would have to be out of your mind to think that nothing happened. Of course they banged, what else do you think they were doing? Watching Titanic or Notebook? Come on now. And people here are telling you that "there is no evidence". Seriously?

You would have to be out of your mind to consider staying with this woman. Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself "WTF is wrong with me to even consider staying in this marriage".

This guy took your wife, swallowed her and spit her out inside out. He already got what he wanted and now she realizes that she was a complete idiot and this guy is a dog...... and wants you to be the fall guy and stay now?

You ask her for ALL account information NOW and expect it right there and then,. Collect as much evidence as possible and go see a lawyer.

I'm sorry.

If you do stay, get used to what happened. This will not be the first or last.

I can't believe people here are telling you to "let it go". WOW

And if you do stay.......do NOT have sex with your wife until she gets a STD test. Actually, never-mind, if you choose to stay with this woman.....it won't really matter cause chances are high you will end up with something in the future anyways.

Your wife is disgusting. Least she could've done is end things with you prior to engaging with another male. But she didn't, because she has 0 respect for your or your marriage. She didn't even have enough respect for you to HIDE the cheating. Think about that. 

And you are considering spending "rest of your life" with this woman?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Based on what you've told us I believe she fantasized about this guy and eventually took a trip out there to sample the goods. For some reason...maybe she found out he was married...maybe he wasn't that good in the sack...maybe he didn't look like the pictures he sent her...maybe she figured out he was a ****...whatever...she chose not to pursue that relationship and decided to come back to you and try to make it work. 

Personally my ego couldn't handle that. I guess you can either just suck it up and forget it or decide to move on and find someone who will respect you. I would say based on the fact you're hesitating to spend money on a trip with her your gut is leaning towards the latter.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

You really can't tell if she did the guy in the hotel room or not. it looks pretty suspicious, but it might not have happened. She might have been thinking naughty thoughts, then changed her mind when it the rubber hit the road.

Keep digging, find some fresh data to confirm one or the other path.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> You really can't tell if she did the guy in the hotel room or not. it looks pretty suspicious, but it might not have happened. She might have been thinking naughty thoughts, then changed her mind when it the rubber hit the road.
> 
> Keep digging, find some fresh data to confirm one or the other path.


98% chance that she did

2% that she didn't

ACTIONS speak louder than words. She did get the hotel and did sleep with him in the same bed..........after emotional cheating was already done.

Don't get me wrong, as much as I would love to remain positive......it will be hard to under current circumstances.

Above is just not too realistic to me.

She even got a freakin Brazilian for the guy for gods sakes.......


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is easy to understand your unhappiness. She was going to replace you. Did you like the Brazilian?

OM might have pictures of it. 

How does your wife treat you now?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> It is easy to understand your unhappiness. She was going to replace you. Did you like the Brazilian?
> 
> OM might have pictures of it.
> 
> How does your wife treat you now?


I'm sorry but cheating should NOT be a prerequisite to "treating your loved one RIGHT"


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> You really can't tell if she did the guy in the hotel room or not. it looks pretty suspicious, but it might not have happened. She might have been thinking naughty thoughts, then changed her mind when it the rubber hit the road.
> 
> Keep digging, find some fresh data to confirm one or the other path.


To me it wouldn't matter. The very fact she put herself in a position to cheat would be enough for me to decide the marriage is over. 

It's like if she pointed a gun at me, pulled the trigger and it misfired. To me her intent to kill me was the same whether the gun worked or not.


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