# 180 and Going Dark!



## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

I have been reading this site for months and finally decided to post. All threads have been such a great help to me to find some answers of why.
My story....15 years together with 2 children. My H walked out 3 months ago. Just sent me a email he was leaving (thanks h)! I have to agree we were on a road to divorce. Thought thats what I want for a long time...but when he left I crashed! It was not what I wanted. I didn't think I loved him anymore but was wrong! So wrong! I pushed him away for a long time and give him credit he tried everything to fix us. I just couldn't get pass the hurt, pain and anger I had.
Anyway he decided to move out. I found out only weeks later he was seeing OW which started before he left. I think it gave him a reason to leave. I pleaded, cried, constant contact ect to tell him I still loved him and wanted him back (don't know why!). 
H claims I have crushed him and torn his heart out..which I believe I have hurt him deeply..but don't understand the OW??? Can anyone explain this????????
Anyway after reading all things I was doing were wrong! I distance myself from him. NO more contact or doing anything for him to see me or to see him. For the first time in months...HE texted me with small chat. I sense his jeolously of me and kids going on a vacation soon. I refuse to let him see me when he comes for the kids. I stay in the house. I do not text him...I let him start the text. I have been going dark and working hard on the 180! I think its working?????
Any advice would be great. Am I doing the right thing???? What else can I do??? Why is he doing this to us after 15 years together??


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's good to recognize ones contributions to the marriage - positive or negative - but etch this into your mind *nobody can push somebody to have an affair. It is the sole responsibility of the person who CHOSE to have it.*



> Anyway after reading all things I was doing were wrong! I distance myself from him. NO more contact or doing anything for him to see me or to see him. For the first time in months...HE texted me with small chat. I sense his jeolously of me and kids going on a vacation soon. I refuse to let him see me when he comes for the kids. I stay in the house. I do not text him...I let him start the text. I have been going dark and working hard on the 180! I think its working?????


Working for what purpose? To help you gain emotional fortitude to move on with your life with or without him OR to manipulate him to drop the OW and come back to you? If its the latter then you are setting yourself up for some major disappointment because that is not the objective of the 180 or going NC.

Right now he is still blaming you for his affair and that means you should continue with NC and the 180 *for your benefit not his*.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

morituri said:


> It's good to recognize ones contributions to the marriage - positive or negative - but etch this into your mind *nobody can push somebody to have an affair. It is the sole responsibility of the person who CHOSE to have it.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with all that you are saying but have some additions.

I think in addition to letting us work on ourselves, the 180 has the following additional benefits:

1) By withdrawing all our “services” etc. the spouse experiences “loss”. It’s very much they don’t know what they have until they lose it. So it’s a big wakeup call for them and they have time to “re-evaluate”.

2) The no/low contact 180 lets us “untangle ourselves”. We get so enmeshed with our spouse and living enmeshed that we just don’t know it. So the 180 lets us “untangle” ourselves emotionally, psychologically, physically and maybe even financially. This unmeshing is very key because perhaps for the first time in many years we regain a terrific “sense of self”, who we are, what our core values and beliefs are etc.

3) By keeping any interaction with our spouse to an absolute bear minimum the dysfunctional dynamics stop and we begin to see our spouse, through their behaviour "from a distance", more for what they are than what we thought they were, we stop idealising them and perhaps see them very clearly, perhaps for the very first time.

4) If our spouse does want to work on their dysfunctional ways and return to us then it gives them every opportunity to do so. At this point we kind of have the upper hand and can openly declare exactly what is needed on their behalf for their return to us.

Bob
PS:Great signature you have.


----------



## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

Your right. I have found the 180 and nc has been great for me! It has helped me move forward and prepare myself that we are lost forever. Either way its the road I have choosen for myself...but there are still SO many questions as to way. I am prepared to never have answers but life must go on!
Still don't get why someone would choose to leave their family for OW/OM. It does not make sense. H OW is so much older she could be my mom! I guess he was desperate to feel loved again when he thought I didn't love him anymore. I have told him...but he refuses to believe me! What else is one to do!??


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I agree with all that you are saying but have some additions.
> 
> I think in addition to letting us work on ourselves, the 180 has the following additional benefits:
> 
> ...


Well put. The 180 has helped me find myself again and look at my wife in a different perspective. She's crawling back and now I'm wondering if taking her back is worth it. She's not the woman I thought I knew and would have never realized that without the 180...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

