# Can cheaters ever really "quit"???



## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

Found this forum yesterday, reading over stuff, not really sure what to think—I was married for 20 years to a man who claimed to have several addictions, but to me, I can summarize it to only ONE—he was addicted to being stupid! We married at 20&21 yrs old and had babies right away, so our first 10 years together were rocky but for the most part happy, and the second 10 years culminating in divorce were hell. It just seems like the dawn of internet and chatrooms gave my husband the perfect forum to “scratch his itch.” At first, he said that he needed to be on the internet all the time because he had to take online classes to advance himself for work. After he was done with his certifications, I began to find him sneaking off to the computer in the middle of the night to join chatrooms. Chatrooms lead to cybersex and emotional affairs, and then came the pornography, and when pornography wasn’t enough to satisfy him anymore, it lead to physical affairs. If I were to sit here and tell you that my husband has had emotional and/ or physical affairs with more than 20 women, it would be safe to say that the accusation would be a conservative estimate. To say that it was pure hell would be a mild statement. I cant even begin to describe the humiliation, hurt, anger and distrust that this behavior has caused. To be fair, I would have to say that I haven’t always been perfect. I have always been a logical, organized and planning-type person, who is ambitious and driven, while my hubby was more of a laid back dreamer type person who is whimsical and easy going. On one hand you could say that we balanced each other out, but on the other, you can also say that it was a horrible mis-match. As I said, our first 10 years were a pretty good mix of heaven and hell, but as the marriage went on, our difference became more and more evident and his behavior deteriorated, and that’s when all hell broke loose. Being that I am driven to find logic even in the ridiculous and having a Catholic background, I tried many times to “understand” the root of the problem, so I could “fix” it, but that was pretty darn hard considering that trying to talk to him was about as meaningful as talking to a cardboard box—he would always accept fault and tell me that it was him, not me, that needed fixing, that he was sorry, etc. Well….like I said, it was one thing after another, and each time, he was sorrier and sorrier with the worsening behavior, and yet, he could not bring himself to STOP it. He didn’t feel that he needed help, that he could “quit,” cold turkey. Of course, in the modern world, cell phones and computers might as well be crack in front of a junkie when it comes to a person of my husband’s inclinations. In the second 10 years of my marriage, I fought hard to make it work, but in the end, the destructive behavior won out, and I divorced him. Funny enough, post divorce, I flourished, I bought a house, put away a nice 401K, got a better job than the one I had, blah blah blah….my hubby, on the other hand, was still content playing around on the computer, having a great time with the floozies while he was in their company, but going to bed each night miserable in the knowledge that he wasn’t as happy as he thought he would be post divorce. And I am not much of a dater—especially after seeing the quality of people my hubby met online and hearing all the sob stories of my girlfriends, who get scammed left and right, I just knew it was not for me. Lo and behold tho, hubby begged to be taken back—that he learned his lesson, proved to himself that it wasn’t worth it, blah blah blah…so, rather than start from scratch, I thought I would wipe the slate clean, and I let him move in………….well…………….if anybody can tell you theres truth to the old addage “once a cheater” …….let me just say that I am living proof. Two years post divorce and living together to try nd make things work, I feel like he is just using me as a free roof over his head because the sneaky phone calls, secret emails and emotional affairs NEVER stopped………..and now I am just SO FED UP that I don’t know what to do—THANK GOD I didn’t re-marry him, but if anything, I did learn that exposing the cheating behavior to your family (both sides) DOES seem to work………………….when you try to keep things “quiet” for the sake of the family—the kids, parents, etc , all you do is suffer in shame in silence, while life goes on as “normal” for the cheater, and as with all abusive relationships, it “enables” them to live their double life. Exposing them makes them “wake up” when they are all of a sudden accountable for their behavior to the people that are still “important” to them—parents, children, etc. Yes, you will be embarrassed, but hey—if cheating can happen to people like Princess Diana and Sandra Bullock—NOBODY is safe. The most important thing is to know that YOU are NOT alone and NEVER let yourself feel “HELPLESS.” So, why am I posting this? Well….I don’t know…after this last time that I “caught” him yet again….he has cancelled his facebook and offensive email accounts, scheduled counseling, etc. but somehow, it doesn’t do much to boost my trust—I am just beyond hoping that its going to change much this time…So I want to know, from the cheaters, is there such a thing as “quitting”???


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As a cheater myself, yes. It is possible. It all depends on the person though. In my case, it did severe damage to me mentally. Something I never want to experience that again.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, it is. Personally, I outgrew the selfish behavior. I work very hard to make sure I don't ever go down that road again; because in the end, it's a very lonely one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I cheated and would never ever ever ever do it again. It's so stupid.

Now, whenever I hear someone's cheating or about cheating, I feel repulsed.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

I know it is an individuals choice to change but is it like a drug addiction that you really have to watch what environment you put yourself in? Or is it just like that itch or need for a fix? My wife says this was the first time she had an affair. She was always a little flirty but in another sense timid. Wondering if this was her choice of drug per say?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I cheated and would never ever ever ever do it again. It's so stupid.
> 
> Now, whenever I hear someone's cheating or about cheating, I feel repulsed.


Same here...I can't even stand hearing about people's ONS...that whole lifestyle just grosses me out. And I can't really explain it, other than to say I outgrew the behavior.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

MoMo said:


> Found this forum yesterday, reading over stuff, not really sure what to think—I was married for 20 years to a man who claimed to have several addictions, but to me, I can summarize it to only ONE—he was addicted to being stupid! We married at 20&21 yrs old and had babies right away, so our first 10 years together were rocky but for the most part happy, and the second 10 years culminating in divorce were hell. It just seems like the dawn of internet and chatrooms gave my husband the perfect forum to “scratch his itch.” At first, he said that he needed to be on the internet all the time because he had to take online classes to advance himself for work. After he was done with his certifications, I began to find him sneaking off to the computer in the middle of the night to join chatrooms. Chatrooms lead to cybersex and emotional affairs, and then came the pornography, and when pornography wasn’t enough to satisfy him anymore, it lead to physical affairs. If I were to sit here and tell you that my husband has had emotional and/ or physical affairs with more than 20 women, it would be safe to say that the accusation would be a conservative estimate. To say that it was pure hell would be a mild statement. I cant even begin to describe the humiliation, hurt, anger and distrust that this behavior has caused. To be fair, I would have to say that I haven’t always been perfect. I have always been a logical, organized and planning-type person, who is ambitious and driven, while my hubby was more of a laid back dreamer type person who is whimsical and easy going. On one hand you could say that we balanced each other out, but on the other, you can also say that it was a horrible mis-match. As I said, our first 10 years were a pretty good mix of heaven and hell, but as the marriage went on, our difference became more and more evident and his behavior deteriorated, and that’s when all hell broke loose. Being that I am driven to find logic even in the ridiculous and having a Catholic background, I tried many times to “understand” the root of the problem, so I could “fix” it, but that was pretty darn hard considering that trying to talk to him was about as meaningful as talking to a cardboard box—he would always accept fault and tell me that it was him, not me, that needed fixing, that he was sorry, etc. Well….like I said, it was one thing after another, and each time, he was sorrier and sorrier with the worsening behavior, and yet, he could not bring himself to STOP it. He didn’t feel that he needed help, that he could “quit,” cold turkey. Of course, in the modern world, cell phones and computers might as well be crack in front of a junkie when it comes to a person of my husband’s inclinations. In the second 10 years of my marriage, I fought hard to make it work, but in the end, the destructive behavior won out, and I divorced him. Funny enough, post divorce, I flourished, I bought a house, put away a nice 401K, got a better job than the one I had, blah blah blah….my hubby, on the other hand, was still content playing around on the computer, having a great time with the floozies while he was in their company, but going to bed each night miserable in the knowledge that he wasn’t as happy as he thought he would be post divorce. And I am not much of a dater—especially after seeing the quality of people my hubby met online and hearing all the sob stories of my girlfriends, who get scammed left and right, I just knew it was not for me. Lo and behold tho, hubby begged to be taken back—that he learned his lesson, proved to himself that it wasn’t worth it, blah blah blah…so, rather than start from scratch, I thought I would wipe the slate clean, and I let him move in………….well…………….if anybody can tell you theres truth to the old addage “once a cheater” …….let me just say that I am living proof. Two years post divorce and living together to try nd make things work, I feel like he is just using me as a free roof over his head because the sneaky phone calls, secret emails and emotional affairs NEVER stopped………..and now I am just SO FED UP that I don’t know what to do—THANK GOD I didn’t re-marry him, but if anything, I did learn that exposing the cheating behavior to your family (both sides) DOES seem to work………………….when you try to keep things “quiet” for the sake of the family—the kids, parents, etc , all you do is suffer in shame in silence, while life goes on as “normal” for the cheater, and as with all abusive relationships, it “enables” them to live their double life. Exposing them makes them “wake up” when they are all of a sudden accountable for their behavior to the people that are still “important” to them—parents, children, etc. Yes, you will be embarrassed, but hey—if cheating can happen to people like Princess Diana and Sandra Bullock—NOBODY is safe. The most important thing is to know that YOU are NOT alone and NEVER let yourself feel “HELPLESS.” So, why am I posting this? Well….I don’t know…after this last time that I “caught” him yet again….he has cancelled his facebook and offensive email accounts, scheduled counseling, etc. but somehow, it doesn’t do much to boost my trust—I am just beyond hoping that its going to change much this time…So I want to know, from the cheaters, is there such a thing as “quitting”???


Can't speak for others but I quit, period. No desire to e ever do it again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

I guess its like getting sick off of alcohol, you get repulsed by the drink and like ex smokers, who become extra sensitive to the smell of smoke once they quit.............the TRUST tho........thats the hardest thing for me to regain, becuase he's made me so many promises before (12 years worth) that he has so far failed to make good on.....he may very well be sincere this time, but the unfortunate reality that has been proven true for me time and time again is that the best predictor of future behavior is...........PAST behavior.............and like you guys said, it is SELFISH behavior....and my hubby most definitely has a very selfish streak to him...........Im not so sure you can stop being selfish (and therefore stop cheating) just like you cant change the color of your skin...........(Michael Jackson aside)


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I believe its possible to reconcile after cheating but this one seems to far gone. If divorce isn't a good enough line in the sand then what is? You didn't threaten divorce. You did it. He knows what you're capable of and he still goes there. Anything is possible but he is a serial cheater so don't be too hopeful about it. Every guy out there isn't the same. Maybe you were too hasty closing off other men and that lead you to taking him back due to lack of options?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I know it is an individuals choice to change but is it like a drug addiction that you really have to watch what environment you put yourself in? Or is it just like that itch or need for a fix? My wife says this was the first time she had an affair. She was always a little flirty but in another sense timid. Wondering if this was her choice of drug per say?


No, for me it wasn't like a "drug addiction" and not like a "fix." It was a stupid choice where I felt flattered and touched. At the time, my marriage sucked and I was very unhappy. No excuse, but it is what it is. 

And personally I have never been a flirt or good at flirting. In fact, I've been told on more than one occassion that I have a "wall" up. And it's true. Make of that what you will.


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

"Anything is possible but he is a serial cheater so don't be too hopeful about it. Every guy out there isn't the same."--Thanks for the encouragement Ayla. I know not all guys are jerks. My Dad was wonderful to my Mom--Never forgot a bday or anniversary, she always had a box of chocolate on valentines day even tho she never ate them, thats just how he was. I think I have alot of his behavioral traits in me, probably why hubby has gotten away with the poor behavior for so long as he did. Hubby didnt have very good role models-his Dad cheated on his Mom, and it was a very sad marriage that served as a foundation for his childhood. He learned well from his Dad tho, cos his cheating ran circles around his Dad's ability. I told him that I understand where he's coming from that he didnt have that great of an example, but thats not his life anymore. He married into a decent stable family (my parents) and that isnt his life now. At some point you have to stop the self pity and making excuses for yourself and take responsibility for your own actions and do the right thing--but thats where the selfish streak comes in............as I said, he has a really bad selfish streak, and every little let down in his life is sudden justification to "relapse." He even admits that he's "too old" to act the way he does (he's 44) but yet he succumbs to poor behavior at EVERY opportunity.............and I do mean E-V-E-R-Y opportunity!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forget about this guy, MoMo.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm sorry I come off as negative. What has he said or done aside from making excuses for his behavior to indicate that he is serious about working on his issues? What is he going to do that he hasn't done before? Like I said anything is possible so it is possible for him to change if he has the desire to do so but it doesn't seem like he wants to since divorcing him didn't make a lasting impression. 




MoMo said:


> "Anything is possible but he is a serial cheater so don't be too hopeful about it. Every guy out there isn't the same."--Thanks for the encouragement Ayla. I know not all guys are jerks. My Dad was wonderful to my Mom--Never forgot a bday or anniversary, she always had a box of chocolate on valentines day even tho she never ate them, thats just how he was. I think I have alot of his behavioral traits in me, probably why hubby has gotten away with the poor behavior for so long as he did. Hubby didnt have very good role models-his Dad cheated on his Mom, and it was a very sad marriage that served as a foundation for his childhood. He learned well from his Dad tho, cos his cheating ran circles around his Dad's ability. I told him that I understand where he's coming from that he didnt have that great of an example, but thats not his life anymore. He married into a decent stable family (my parents) and that isnt his life now. At some point you have to stop the self pity and making excuses for yourself and take responsibility for your own actions and do the right thing--but thats where the selfish streak comes in............as I said, he has a really bad selfish streak, and every little let down in his life is sudden justification to "relapse." He even admits that he's "too old" to act the way he does (he's 44) but yet he succumbs to poor behavior at EVERY opportunity.............and I do mean E-V-E-R-Y opportunity!!!


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

Ayla said:


> I'm sorry I come off as negative. What has he said or done aside from making excuses for his behavior to indicate that he is serious about working on his issues? What is he going to do that he hasn't done before? Like I said anything is possible so it is possible for him to change if he has the desire to do so but it doesn't seem like he wants to since divorcing him didn't make a lasting impression.


I dont take it as negative at all--Its a realistic assumption to think the way that you did. He has scheduled counseling, changed cell #, shut down email accts, etc..........but he's done this before, so we will see...at this point, Ive already warned him that I am fed up with his lying and cheating, and if I find someone who catches my fancy before he makes a sincere effort to stop, itll be HIS loss.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I feel that I should mention that after cheating, on either side, I have never remained with a partner, except for once when I was 18; got back together with the guy to 'try again'. Failed after a few years because I never trusted him AND I became a cheater myself.

Cheating of any kind is an automatic deal breaker for me. I know myself well enough to know that I could never come back from something like that, no matter who or what was involved.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He cheated on you with 20+ women and you divorced him. I'm confused as to why you are still with him. Seriously.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

If its all been said and done before and you feel (justifiably) skeptical about this time being any different then why go through another recovery attempt? Do you still want him? Why go through this again? Ten years of pain prior to the divorce, the divorce, and him being miserable without you wasn't enough for motivate him to change? If you didn't catch him then what? He sounds like a true socio-path, incapable of feeling empathy. Why keep him? 




MoMo said:


> I dont take it as negative at all--Its a realistic assumption to think the way that you did. He has scheduled counseling, changed cell #, shut down email accts, etc..........but he's done this before, so we will see...at this point, Ive already warned him that I am fed up with his lying and cheating, and if I find someone who catches my fancy before he makes a sincere effort to stop, itll be HIS loss.


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