# How far would you go to seek the truth?



## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I've been separated from my wife for around six months now. Our reasons for separating were because she had fallen out of love with me and no longer was attracted to me. Our sex life declined until it was almost non existent. I haven't got an ounce of fat on my body and I'm very athletic so physically there was no reason for her to lose attraction. We argued constantly over the sex issue and I had questioned her many times on whether there was another man involved. The answer was always a solid no. She started keeping her phone in her pocket and guarding it closely and switching it on silent so I knew something wasn't right despite her excuses.

Since our separation, I have moved on and I'm currently dating another woman although I'm still not completely over my wife. My wife has seen the error in her ways and now regrets letting us fall apart and begs to be forgiven and move back home. Every time I drop off or pick up my son there are always tears. I know I could never go back to her without knowing the full truth and I told her so. She has just informed me that she had been in contact with an old "friend" from high school. She swears they never met up though and only texted and chatted on the phone and that was as far as it went. I'd love to believe her but after being deceived for years I find it a little difficult to say the least. I do not know the guy in question but I am told that she was just a friend to him during his separation. She has told me his name and showed me his Facebook page. My question is, how far would you go to get the truth? How deep would you dig to find answers? Right now I feel like I should speak to him and more importantly his ex wife to find out if my wife was the cause of their separation. I still have a lot of love for my wife but at the moment a lack of trust is holding me back. Should I believe in her or should I investigate further to see what I can turn up to find out just how truthful she is being?
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Will it really make a difference. If she has been truthful will you trust her. I doubt it.


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## mandabear (Jun 20, 2011)

ive been cheated on in the past by other guys before i met my husband and i never use to be the type to snoop but now i am since i no longer trust anyone. i will go to any lengths to learn the truth to protect myself. like i did recently. had a bad feeling so i snooped through his email, his fb, his phone and even called the girl that he was talking to, to get answers. turns out my feelings were right but im still confused about who i believe. this other woman or my husband. 
thats something you should think as well if you do contact her guy friend. if you need answers and nobody will help you with them, then by all means do what you have to in order to get answers. put yourself first and then deal with whatever is to come.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Aquila audax said:


> I've been separated from my wife for around six months now. Our reasons for separating were because she had fallen out of love with me and no longer was attracted to me. Our sex life declined until it was almost non existent. I haven't got an ounce of fat on my body and I'm very athletic so physically there was no reason for her to lose attraction. We argued constantly over the sex issue and I had questioned her many times on whether there was another man involved. The answer was always a solid no. She started keeping her phone in her pocket and guarding it closely and switching it on silent so I knew something wasn't right despite her excuses.
> 
> Since our separation, I have moved on and I'm currently dating another woman although I'm still not completely over my wife. My wife has seen the error in her ways and now regrets letting us fall apart and begs to be forgiven and move back home. Every time I drop off or pick up my son there are always tears. I know I could never go back to her without knowing the full truth and I told her so. She has just informed me that she had been in contact with an old "friend" from high school. She swears they never met up though and only texted and chatted on the phone and that was as far as it went. I'd love to believe her but after being deceived for years I find it a little difficult to say the least. I do not know the guy in question but I am told that she was just a friend to him during his separation. She has told me his name and showed me his Facebook page. My question is, how far would you go to get the truth? How deep would you dig to find answers? Right now I feel like I should speak to him and more importantly his ex wife to find out if my wife was the cause of their separation. I still have a lot of love for my wife but at the moment a lack of trust is holding me back. Should I believe in her or should I investigate further to see what I can turn up to find out just how truthful she is being?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you really feel that you might need to talk to other people to get the truth, I suggest you just keep moving forward.

The Truth - in my opinion - isn't nearly as valuable as Peace.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You can have peace when you get the truth.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

aug said:


> You can have peace when you get the truth.


Or you can spend your time chasing after the truth and drive yourself insane in the process - especially if the lies continue.

I still vote "let it go and move on."


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Aa…IMO, every situation is different…how long have you been married? Is this marriage a first for both? Are there kids involved?

The answer to these questions will then produce more questions…Does she have a history of being sneaky and unfaithful…ect, ect…

First, there should be total transparency in any relationship…there’s no secrecy in a marriage and privacy is what you get when you go to the bathroom…there is a difference…

She needs to come totally clean and you need to expose the EA to the OM’s wife, if he’s married and a no contact letter written and above all a set of firm boundaries moving forward…

Then IC and MC for both…there’s a reason she allowed another guy to meet her needs and that reason needs to be addressed…and a relationship needs to be rebuilt…

And above all, if she agrees to this, and other terms…you have to be willing to let the past go and not punish her or hold this over her head…

If you have no kids and the marriage is young…My advice would be to chalk it up as a life lesson and move on…


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree: with No Code.

There is a child involved.

You can find out the truth from the OMW or you can take your wife for a ride and get a lie detector if you want the truth.

Just telling her that will probably tell you everything you need. If she refuses the test, then you have your answer about her coming clean.

If she lied to you over a period of time (TT) then you have to decide if your love for your wife is strong enough to want to Reconcile.


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

It is my second marriage, her first. We both have children to a previous relationship and we have one child together. We were together for 8 years. We are currently working with a shared custody arrangement but every time I think of our son, I feel so sorry for him to now being brought up in a broken family. She did cheat in one previous relationship but she was still a teenager back and I thought she had learned her lesson from that. As far as I was aware, she wasn't a sneaky person but I was never the type to snoop around. She would always be checking my phone and emails etc and I couldn't care less but if it made her feel better that's fine. It wasn't until I noticed her shift away from me that I started thinking of checking on her and each time I was met with hostility and he old "no trust, no love" line to try to get me to feel bad. The other guy is now divorced and overseas. I would love to find his ex wife to find if my wife was the cause of their split but I don't even know when they separated. I don't have any real evidence of her having a physical relationship with him. The only things I know for certain are that I wasn't the object of her affection and she was talking and texting to a former high school boyfriend. Do you think I would be a fool to believe her that nothing else happened?

I already know the reason why she would look elsewhere. It was purely boredom. I was the breadwinner and she was a stay at home wife. When our child started pre school she had all this time and nobody to spend it with. She used to ring me all the time at work but of course I can't spend too much time on the phone while I'm at work. She started trying to contact old friends from her school days and he responded.

We tried MC but at that time she didn't want a bar of it so we just separated. My gut tells me that she had an affair, split up with me thinking the grass was greener over the other side, got jealous when I started to move on, realized the other guys had his own problems to deal with and now wants me back. A big part of me wants to go back to her but another part says I shouldn't because I don't want to feel like I wasn't adequate for her before so I would feel a little bit second rate.

The woman I am dating is crazy about me and is quite attractive but I still feel there is this hole in my life. Just a bit confused right now and don't know what path to take.
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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If she had an EA not a PA, it could be just as devistating to the marriage trust and connection.


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

Sorry, not up to speed with all the terms on here. What is EA and PA?
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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Emotional Affair and Physical Affair.

If you doubt her this much, imagine doubting her like this for the rest of your life...


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I think the lie detector test sounds the way to go. At least that will give me peace of mind. If it does show that she has told me the truth now, great, we can start the path to reconciling. If she refuses or is shown to still lie then it will be goodbye forever. I still can't believe how someone can sleep at night their partner knowing they are doing the wrong thing. The guilt would kill me!
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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

Well I asked her about a polygraph test and she was very agitated that I couldn't just believe her. I told her that's the way it has be because I can't trust her. I also told her that if she refuses then I will tell all her family the story so far and let them make up their mind. At this point her family don't really know any reasons other than what she has told them.

Anyway, she said she'll think about it and let me know. I feel like I'm stirring up a hornets nest here but I can't bear not to know the complete truth.
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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

AA,

Stick to your guns here. Do not make it easy for her.

She is the one that walked away from the marriage. Sh cannot just walk back into it with out your full trust of her.

She lied, you did not.

Good Luck,

HM64


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aquila, you need to do some research on lie detector tests. They are not always reliable. I would not take such a test for that very reason. 

Her agitation might have simply been because your asking her to take the test, not due to her guilt.

There are things you can do to find files on your computer. For example if you search each drive on your computer for things like her email address, the guy's first name, etc, you might find some files that have old chats and emails. I've done this. It's pretty surprising the things that get left on the computer.


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I have checked and double checked the computer. Nothing there worth noting. I think she covered her tracks pretty well. To my way of thinking, if someone offered me a second chance based on the results of a simple test that would prove innocence, I would jump at the chance. In fact, if it were me, I would have suggested it.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aquila audax said:


> I have checked and double checked the computer. Nothing there worth noting. I think she covered her tracks pretty well. To my way of thinking, if someone offered me a second chance based on the results of a simple test that would prove innocence, I would jump at the chance. In fact, if it were me, I would have suggested it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And then what if you are innocent and the test comes back with falsely saying that you are lying when you are not? The likely hood of the test showing false results is about the same percentage as a person blowing their brains out while playing Russian roulette.

"Do the tests work? Depends how you define work. Probably the most comprehensive look at polygraph accuracy is a 2003 report from the National Academy of Sciences. After examining 57 polygraph studies the NAS concluded: "In populations of examinees such as those represented in the polygraph research literature, untrained in countermeasures, specific-incident polygraph tests can discriminate lying from truth telling at rates well above chance, though well below perfection." Their analysis of the 30 most recent polygraph data sets showed an overall accuracy of 85 percent, and an analysis of seven field studies involving specific incidents showed a median accuracy of 89 percent.

For screening purposes, though, the NAS found polygraph tests had too high a margin of error to be genuinely informative. If you made your criteria loose enough to catch most of the bad guys, you were overwhelmed with false positives; if you raised the bar enough to thin out the false positives, you missed too many bad guys."

The Straight Dope: How accurate are lie-detector tests?


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I think the aim of this is more to see her reaction to the suggestion and see if she will accept it. If she does accept it, then I will go ahead with it and pray that it shows she is not being deceitful. Her initial reaction has not filled me with the world of confidence though. I am truly hoping she comes out with everything without the need for this. Only then can I make a decision on what path my life will take.
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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

More than one confession has come out in the parking lot entering a polygraph...

I do agree, however, that it's adouble-edged sword, putting a lot of faith and a lifetime decision in the hands of an inexact scientific tool. I'd venture to suggest there might even be *more* validity to one's real gut instinct than a poly test result. The test is worth far more when taken in context of the preceding dialogue than just the test results alone. Her initial reaction/refusal along with what your gut is telling you would have me on high alert. 

Your original question is how far to go? That depends on an hinest assessment of how you feel about your wife, first... if you're content enough to walk away and never look back without "what-ifs", then you can minimize the effort. If you're recognizing you will always have a gnawing wonder of what could have been, then I'd stop at nothing to get what I wanted to know. My 2 cents is, fight for your marriage with everything you have because once its over, there's no going back. But you seem to have moved on fairly well already, so maybe it's time to just close that chapter and move forward. All in what you feel...

Good luck to you.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Aquila audax said:


> It is my second marriage, her first. We both have children to a previous relationship and we have one child together. We were together for 8 years. We are currently working with a shared custody arrangement but every time I think of our son, I feel so sorry for him to now being brought up in a broken family. She did cheat in one previous relationship but she was still a teenager back and I thought she had learned her lesson from that. As far as I was aware, she wasn't a sneaky person but I was never the type to snoop around. She would always be checking my phone and emails etc and I couldn't care less but if it made her feel better that's fine. It wasn't until I noticed her shift away from me that I started thinking of checking on her and each time I was met with hostility and he old "no trust, no love" line to try to get me to feel bad. The other guy is now divorced and overseas. I would love to find his ex wife to find if my wife was the cause of their split but I don't even know when they separated. I don't have any real evidence of her having a physical relationship with him. The only things I know for certain are that I wasn't the object of her affection and she was talking and texting to a former high school boyfriend. Do you think I would be a fool to believe her that nothing else happened?
> 
> I already know the reason why she would look elsewhere. It was purely boredom. I was the breadwinner and she was a stay at home wife. When our child started pre school she had all this time and nobody to spend it with. She used to ring me all the time at work but of course I can't spend too much time on the phone while I'm at work. She started trying to contact old friends from her school days and he responded.
> 
> ...


Aa…I’m new here, but have spent the last 4 years scouring the web and visiting bookstores reading marital relationship material, so i just know enough to get in trouble...lol…I haven’t yet posted my story, but hopefully will soon…

Regarding your child with your estranged wife…it’s not the actual “divorce” that harm your son…it’s the co-parenting skills that can hurt your son…so going forward it’s important that you and your wife keep that in mind…

Regardless if your situation was an EA or a PA…she violated your trust and it’s very obvious she lacks boundaries…

Also, regarding your new GF…In my opinion, you started dating way too early as it’s obvious as how confused you are…

Your focus should be on YOU…getting yourself healthy…mentally, physically and spiritually…and developing your relationship with your son…and adding yet another woman to the mix hinders your progress…IMO…

You’ve been separated for 6 months now…your wife has a history of not being the most faithful mate…she’s suspicious, and has trust issues…namely b/c she’s not clean herself…

No one can make the decision for you…to stay or get back together…you have a gut, so trust it…

IF I were in your shoes…I’d stay where I am…sign a years lease…I’d drop the GF, work on myself, develop my relationship with my son…pick-up a hobby, join a gym, run…whatever…get myself into individual counseling, learn healthy relationship boundaries, develop your set of qualities to look for in a woman, learn to take the lead, recognize red flags and how to not be a caretaker of women and how to be a good relationship ender, and a host of other things…

As for the wife, she’d have to go to counseling herself; if there’s any chance I’d get back with her…she needs to understand why it is that she has these affairs, understand boundaries…ect

Then maybe some progress has been made around 6 months, both me and my wife would go to MC together, and maybe date (IF I felt like it)…by that point hopefully you’ll be at a healthy place where YOU can make the right decision for YOU…get all in or get all out…let your gut be the guide…


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

NoCode said:


> Aa…I’m new here, but have spent the last 4 years scouring the web and visiting bookstores reading marital relationship material, so i just know enough to get in trouble...lol…I haven’t yet posted my story, but hopefully will soon…
> 
> Regarding your child with your estranged wife…it’s not the actual “divorce” that harm your son…it’s the co-parenting skills that can hurt your son…so going forward it’s important that you and your wife keep that in mind…
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Well said, Newbie!!!


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

Thank you for your reply NoCode. Some very wise words there.

Right now, my son has been my focus and we have a shared custody deal, so I do get to see plenty of him. I do worry about our differing parenting techniques though. My wife's teenage daughter has no rules to follow. She is 15 and gets picked up and dropped off by guys that are already driving. Half he time I'm not sure my wife even knows where she is. I worry about when my son hits the adolescent years he will find his mother more appealing to stay with because of the lack of rules. Kids need rules.

As far as boundaries go. She set extremely limiting boundaries for me. I wasn't allowed to have any female friends. I wasn't allowed to watch a movie that had any nudity in it. If an underwear ad popped up on tv she would always spin around and make sure I wasn't watching. She seemed to think it was ok to have a different set of boundaries for herself (ie none) because I wasn't the jealous type.

You're 100% right about it being too early to start another relationship. After being rejected and living in a marriage where my wife would deliberately stay up late just so she wouldn't have to have sex with me, I just needed to have somebody to show some desire for me. Of course, it wasn't until this other girl entered the scene that my wife actually showed some interest in me! It is confusing though because in a perfect world, I'd love to go back to my wife and live as a happy family. I knew exactly what qualities I was looking for in a woman and the woman I am seeing has all the qualities I desire. Somehow, I still have feelings for my wife though and don't know whether to let go or not.

I can see what you mean about getting myself healthy. I am already physically healthy. I play a lot of sport and run a couple of times a week. The mental side is where I need help. I have plenty of hobbies and work to keep me busy so it's not as if I'm moping around feeling sorry for myself. I guess when I separated from my wife, I told myself that it was final and I would never turn back. I found someone that is attractive, shows me all the love and affection I could ever need and yet I still feel there is this gaping hole. Does this mean she is not the right one for me, does it mean I still have some healing to do from the broken heart from my wife or does it mean I'm just not ready to make that decision yet. I am a little reluctant to drop the GF because i think I would be hard pressed to find another with all the qualities she has. The more I think about it now, I am thinking about all this now because I know sub consciously I have to make a choice whether to continue with this new woman or go back to my wife. I truly want to go back with my wife but can't until I know all the answers and until I can trust her again. I keep waiting for her to show me that she is worthy of my love again. Maybe if she came here and read about boundaries and made a committed effort, who knows.

Thanks to everyone for your posts. I am a fairly conservative kind of guy and I don't talk about my problems to any friends or family, so it is good to jump on here and let it all out.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Aa…typically I’ve read that it’s suggested that after a separation a man stays single 1 year to every 5 years of marriage…so if you’re married 15 years, 3 years should be spent single…yeah, that’s a long time…personally, I’d (TRY) to keep it at a minimum 1 to 2 years regardless of length of marriage…

Honestly, the GF is going to be the issue here…you’re not going to be able to make a rational decision with her around…and you know this…

If you have a fear of finding someone as good as her…deal with the fear…there are other women out there as good as or better than the GF…

Trust me, I’m a red-blooded American that likes women too and it would be very, very tempting not to seek out a GF if I were to separate from my wife…I won’t lie…

So I won’t tell you what you’re doing is wrong…just that in your situation and where you are in regard to your marriage…the GF is hurting you…

You truly want to get back with your wife…you say this…but there are trust issues and rightly so…

Is there any reason why you can’t date your wife? Stay separated, but date her…rebuild a relationship with her…allow the time to regain and build that trust…together develop your own plan to recovery…

Search the net for books targeting different aspects of a marriage…read the books and work the exercises…start forming healthy relationship habits…

BUT if you can’t drop the GF…then be a good ender and end the marriage…this is what I would do…


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Or you can spend your time chasing after the truth and drive yourself insane in the process - especially if the lies continue.
> 
> I still vote "let it go and move on."


:iagree:


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I agree with idea of dating the wife again and we had already agreed that this would be a must. She actually asked me out on a date a few weeks after we had split but I cancelled because I was still hurt and wasn't ready to go back.

The reason I jumped straight into a rebound relationship was to stop myself from going back to my wife because I was sick of how I was being treated. Now I find myself being treated perfectly by the GF but find myself wishing it were my wife that could have made me feel like this. I think it is time to let go of the wife. It will be difficult because we both still have strong feelings for each other but I know deep down that she would never be able to live by the boundaries she sets for me and I could never live in a relationship where we both have a different set of rules to follow.

Thanks again everyone, you've been a great help.
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