# Seperation with small children



## Mo2 (Mar 22, 2010)

Does anyone have advice for how to cope with going through seperation when there are small children involved? I would be so grateful to hear from anyone who has successfully achieved either seperation or reconciliation with family unscathed!

My husband says he no longer loves me, I still love him and we are going to marriage counselling. He doesn't feel like our marriage can be saved as he believes he has never been able to be his true self with me so there is something fundamentally unfixable about our marriage.

He is staying with a friend but returning in the morning and evenings to help with the children as they are very young. This is very painful to me, but until something is decided either way, it is the best thing to do.

I am struggling to cope with them and this situation, but also look ahead to the probable official seperation and divorce with even more trepidation as I don't know how I will do it.

If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears!!

Thanks
x


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Mo2,

My children were 7 and 1 1/2 when my former husband and I separated. Today, they are 18 and 24 and are both happy and well-adjusted. What we have been told, by lawyers, doctors, therapists is that we were in the minority of parents who were committed to putting the welfare of our kids, first. 

My children are a bit anxious and high-strung by nature, but their attitudes about both parents are pretty good. I am very close with both of them, they, with each other and they love their father but complain about his quirks, philosophies, temper, etc., however they have learned how to cope with it and still appreciate his love for them.

Make a point to avoid conflict in front of the kids and be careful not to say anything negative within their hearing. Don't worry about anything, they will figure it all out in time. Kids quickly tune into the prevailing mood. Be positive and comforting with them. There will be nights when the baby screams as his father goes out the door, but for the most part they will take your lead. My daughter has understood for many years what the situation is with her dad and has thanked me a number of times for a peaceful home.

My son complains about this dad, and I listen and just say, "I understand." Teaching them how to communicate is helpful becasue he has told me (at about 8-9 years old) that his dad would rant about me and he would say to his dad, "I'm not comfortable with this situation. Mom doesn't say things about you."

I did, just not to them, it puts them in a bad spot.

You need some taking care of too, so be good to yourself as you navigate these waters. 

Lyn


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## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

Wow, I seriously thought someone had hacked into my brain and started writing my own story when I began reading your post. The ONLY difference is that my husband is not actually out of the house yet since he has nowhere to go, but he's clear that it's happening soon. So, I completely and totally feel your pain, fear, anxiety, everything. And I'm also looking for the same kind of advice in regard to kids and how to cope and reduce the impact on them. Last week, we actually asked the counsellor for advice, even if he could just recommend a book, and he basically told us that we are "smart people" and that we'll "know what to do". ??? Not helpful! 

Sorry my reply doesn't give you any advice, but know that there are people struggling with the same things and looking for the same answers, so the answers are bound to be out there somewhere!


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## daized_confused (Mar 22, 2010)

I'm in the same boat. Lyn, thanks for the response that you gave. I don't think that I would have the issue of bad mouthing each other at all. I grew up with my parents fighting all the time and this devastated my sister and I. I won't allow that to happen now. We've been going through counciling for 4 months now, and this has helped my concern of my wife and I still being friends based on the kids.


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## Mo2 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks very much for the responses. At the moment my husband is keen to remain friends and so be careful in front of the children (they are only toddlers at present, but very sensitive to the atmosphere). I don't think I would ever bad mouth him to them as I grew up without my Dad and my Mum never said a bad word about him to me until I was 18, then she told me the whole story on my prompting (she was physically abused and he was/is a sociopath.) 

I look back and realise how incredibly difficult it must have been to allow me to go and visit him and to put up with his flakiness and see me hurt and still keep calm about it. 

I just don't know what will happen with my husband. When this all first came up he wanted to keep living together and acting normally, but I was so traumatised finding him to be a completely different person and so cold that I couldn’t cope with it. I honestly think I almost had a nervous breakdown. 

We had two bad arguments when the children were upstairs, which we were both not happy about. After that I stayed with a friend for a week and now he stays there so since then there haven’t been any more arguments, mostly because I have come to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t exist anymore and also been able to stop asking him “why” because I realise he actually doesn’t know. We also have marriage counselling to come, so that will give us a safe space to talk.


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## Mo2 (Mar 22, 2010)

Picket Fences - do you mind telling me a bit more about your story?
x


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## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

Mo2 - see "How on earth did I ever end up here?", under this same topic heading. That's the post I wrote with my story. I'm sure there are significant differences, it sounds like you and your husband are "further along" this path than I am in my situation, but extremely similar themes. I was really genuinely surprised.

My kids are 3 and 5, so they are a bit more aware of what is going on around them and in the family, so aside from the HUGE financial issue, my H is also still around because neither of us wants to drop this bomb on the kids until we know with certainty exactly what is happening. But in the meantime, my 5yo is totally picking up the stressed vibe and is acting out with tantrums and attitude beyond belief, and my 3yo clings to me like she needs to be touching me in order to breathe. So I'm terrified of what's going to happen when H actually goes. If he goes. Last night, he all of a sudden turned it around a bit and said that he would consider staying in the house and going to counselling with me to see if there is some way we could have a "common vision" that would allow us to be "ourselves" with each other - but of course, he made it clear that there are "no promises" that this would result in a different decision in the end. I really don't know if that's a genuine offer from him, or if it's coming out if the major crisis he's experiencing in terms of realizing that he literally cannot afford to move out on his own and has no where else to go; or if it's coming out of his genuine and deep sadness at the thought of not living each day with our girls. We'll see. 

Sorry - In retrospect I guess my answer turned into something more about me than something helpful for you  I hope that you have hope; I find for me, the hope that somehow this will all turn out for the good in the end, is all I really have right now.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I'm reading this and feel like I need to reply although I doesn't have a definite answer that might help you, I am in almost similar situation with a 3 years old son. Still not sure how to tell him in a way that a 3 years old can grasps. He's been constantly saying "Mommy, let's go home to the apartment" and it breaks my heart every single time. In his sleep he'd be calling out for his Daddy which he only sees once a week now. My H has spent a lot of time working out of town/business trips and had spent 10 months without seeing our son in 2008-2009 but our son was too young when this happened but now he picks up more of the vibes and yes the tantrums are more often now and he kind of 'detached' himself from me which is really sad because now all he wants is his grandma (my mother). This is probably because he sensed how depressed I am.  

I can only pray that you and your kids will be fine no matter what the outcomes.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Mo2, I found some articles online that might be able to help you and myself included.

http://www.nncc.org/Parent/childview.html

http://www.toddlerstoday.com/articles/dealing-with-divorce/after-divorce-1942/

http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6607


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## Mo2 (Mar 22, 2010)

Wow, morningdew thanks so much. Have had a quick look and it all seems really helpful. My computer keeps crashing so will have a proper read tomorrow.

x


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## Mo2 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks picketfences, will read your story tomorrow (it's nighttime here.)

x


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## maemayon (Mar 10, 2010)

Everyone who has spoken to me regarding this matter has said that you need a solid support system. Without it, it's going to be tough.


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