# Will he ever forget?



## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

A few years back, I got to know a guy thru a job I had one day per week. We talked a little at first, getting to know each other better as time went on. We called each other and had nice talks. He was going thru a divorce and I think he just needed someone to talk to. I would have to say we had an emotional affair?? My husband found out and we fought and decided to stay together. We have been fighting a lot lately and last weekend he brought up "my boyfriend." Will he ever forget about this? I'm sure he is having trust issues with me right now, as communication and sex are little and fights are abundant. Will he ever trust me again? Or should we put an end to this drama?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Tell him that if he brings up "the boyfriend" again, you're out of there. 

It may have been an EA (from what little you've describe it) but there's nothing wrong with being a friend that someone can lean on a bit during troubled times. 

From your description, that's what it was and your H bringing it up again and again is him acting like a little kid. As for him forgetting/remembering - it depends on how HE saw the relationship. Maybe that's something you two need to talk about. Calmly! 

Why are there trust issues? Because you supported your friend when he was down? Personally, I'd be glad that my wife/GF/SO was that much of a friend to someone.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

My husband is EXTREMELY jealous, especially if I talk to guys, or even his buddies. It is the ONLY time he won't leave my side. And when our conversation is over, he'll usually say, you shouldn't talk about that with them. It can be anything. He is very controlling and doesn't trust easily.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Do you blame him though expecially after having a EA? I wouldnt trust either.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

It isn't a matter of forgetting, it is forgiving. If he trusts you completely, I would assume jealously would go away.
You know him best....has he forgiven, and does he trust.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

He has ALWAYS been very possessive and jealous, from day one. He doesn't trust me, IMP, but I have not given him reason to since the EA. No phone calls, contact, no weight loss, nothing. I've just noticed recently, since the lack of sex, really. I'm just confused by the comment that came out of the blue. If he can't forgive and forget, is there any point in moving forward still married? I don't want to live under a microscope the rest of my life! And in my defense, if I had been getting the attention that I needed from him, the EA wouldn't have happened!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you sound like my husband I hate reading it but I am probably doing this to him you know. But you are right it sucks and it makes you pull away. I am sorry I dont know what to say I need this advice myself.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

What you have described here is not an EA, but maybe there is more to it. As human beings we feel the need to help and support someone who is in pain. Now on the other end if you were confiding in him where you wouldn't your husband and that relationship became so important to you to affect your marriage then maybe it is an EA. Understanding why it happened is important, you mentioned you are not getting what you want and need. Have you talked to him about it? A jealous and possessive husband is one who is also very insecure. Try talking to him in a non-confrontational way, start sentences with "I..." rather than you. Don't accuse but do tell him how you feel and when he talks to you, listen, don't get defensive. If you want to make it work communication is the key. Will he ever forget an affair? No. You don't forget, but he does need to forgive. That's not to say the person who has the affair should say get over it... but he's actually throwing it at you as a weapon. I have been the spouse that was hurt when my husband had an affair and because I do want to work it out I never throw it at him that way. True there were a few conversations in which I did express that kind of anger, I needed to do that and he needed to see how badly he hurt me. But he is trying to make up for it every day, seeing that makes me not want to throw it in his face although now we are getting to a point of discussing it so that we can repair. If he can't do that, then I agree its no fun living with someone who throws that in your face, it means he has not forgiven you. On the other side, if he wants to talk about it respectfully, I agree you should be transparent and help him through it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Get a divorce. He can't put it behind him. Free him. Free yourself. Learn from your mistakes and find someone who will love you, that you won't feel compelled to cheat on.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Divorce?? WTF? don't divorce him, tell him to stop being such a drama queen it's not like you ****ed the guy right? have you told us the whole story?


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi

What's done is done. I believe he has forgiven you, but he still need to deal with his emotions on this ordeal.

Big mistakes, small mistakes - it happens along the path of marriage and the way to move forward is to forgive and forgive...

Putting your EA aside, I sense your hubby may need to strengthen his self-security and outlook of himself. Work on this if you can.

The way to go is forward; discuss with him what both of you can do together to maximize love, fun, fulfillment - new purposes. Sometimes, after a long marriage, the objectivity dies down and only the routine activities keep the marraige together which is a waste.

Kbobby
yup2life.com


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya dont divorce him I think that he is working out his insecurities right now thats normal. He is going to feel rejected so he is going to be that way.


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS (Feb 6, 2009)

OMG you've done nothing wrong! He sounds like he's the one who has personal issues to deal with. Possesiveness, jealousy... shall I go on? Relationships with others in my opinion are healthy, he can't possibly expect you to be " all eyes on him" at all times. After all you are married NOT BURRIED! As long as you know that you were only being a friend to this man, then that's all that should matter and as for your husband , he needs to get over it!


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Just a quick thought here, after reading some other threads........What about him looking at porn when I'm not around, knowing I absolutely HATE that he does it? I can tell when he does, cuz he will come to bed and want to try off the wall stuff. Is he imagining that I am the gal he saw? Isn't that kinda being unfaithful as well?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I personally don't see it as being unfaithful - I think you actually have to have some sort of interaction with the other person (other than watching a video of them) in order for it to enter the realm of potential unfaithfulness. 

That being said - if you have a problem with him watching porn (some wives do - i don't) then that is a seperate issue to bring up with him - but I don't think its related to unfaithfullness and you shouldn't approach it that way with him while discussing it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya well try him making out with your best friend rubbing her butt then coming home and having sex with you.....


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im afraid he wont forget, because the info he has on you, is his ammunition against you.
he obviously has his own guilty secrets and vents those on your E/A. taking the heat of his own issues. 
i'd start questioning his morals before he continues to attack yours.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

To Sunflower: I'd kill him.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

he obviously has his own guilty secrets and vents those on your E/A. taking the heat of his own issues. 

I know that he did cheat on me before we were married, and I found out 4 or 5 years after we were married, from his best friend. He, of course, said he was drunk and ashamed it happened and ashamed to tell me. But I've NEVER used it against him. It rarely even crosses my mind. Guess I forgive and forget easier than he is willing to. I've kinda decided that the next time he throws my EA in my face, I'm outta here. That's just taking cheap shots. If you're gonna fight, fight fair.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

racemom said:


> That's just taking cheap shots. If you're gonna fight, fight fair.


:iagree:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya racemom I wanted to and her to BUTTTTTT.... I am ok now. And men are men women are women I dont think that he wanted to have sex with her or he would have.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

racemom said:


> he obviously has his own guilty secrets and vents those on your E/A. taking the heat of his own issues.
> 
> I know that he did cheat on me before we were married, and I found out 4 or 5 years after we were married, from his best friend. He, of course, said he was drunk and ashamed it happened and ashamed to tell me. But I've NEVER used it against him. It rarely even crosses my mind. Guess I forgive and forget easier than he is willing to. I've kinda decided that the next time he throws my EA in my face, I'm outta here. That's just taking cheap shots. If you're gonna fight, fight fair.



Your kidding? He has the balls to say anything to you after that! Tell him he is not being fair. I think he has some insecurity issues and he should after cheating on you!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

racemom said:


> ... If you're gonna fight, fight fair...


If you're going to fight, street rules: NEVER fight fair! *Always* fight to win, no matter what the battle. 

If you don't want to fight, then that's a different matter. And a different choice of methods.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree dcrim play it to win it.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

If you've read my other post, you know H went hunting V-day w/e with his buddies. On Monday, on his way home, he was supposed to call but didn't, so I called after lunch to see where they were. He said why, so you can tell your boyfriend to leave? I said, Sure, all of them! I don't know if this helped or hurt, but what the heck? I think he was teasing, so I just threw that back at him. I siad I had supper in the crock pot and just wondered if he would be back to eat with us. Later, my son called him to see where he was. He was only 5 miles away but told our son to tell me they were about 25 miles away! Any explanation for this?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

racemom said:


> If you've read my other post, you know H went hunting V-day w/e with his buddies. On Monday, on his way home, he was supposed to call but didn't, so I called after lunch to see where they were. He said why, so you can tell your boyfriend to leave? I said, Sure, all of them! I don't know if this helped or hurt, but what the heck? I think he was teasing, so I just threw that back at him. I siad I had supper in the crock pot and just wondered if he would be back to eat with us. Later, my son called him to see where he was. He was only 5 miles away but told our son to tell me they were about 25 miles away! Any explanation for this?


I'm not so sure he was joking? Sounds to me like he wanted you to think he was going to take longer than he was so he can catch you but this makes no sense knowing your son was there. Did he take longer than it should with only 5 miles? Did he stop for flowers or anthing special since he was not there for VDay?


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## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

well you said your H found out about it,so i guess that means you were hiding something...maybe if you would have told him about this guy it might have been diffrent.anyway, i dont think its something you ever forget about,but the bad thing is that he is throwing it in your face.i been cheated on recently and i cant stop asking questions,wondering thinking about what happend etc....i dont know how i'll feel years from now,but i think you should give him some reassurance,affection,and sex.see how that goes.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I think he probably was joking about a boyfriend being here with me, however, it still bothers me that he has to continually bring it up. I don't bring up his fling up every chance I get. I really have no clues as to why he would tell my son he was further away from home than what he really was. It should have taken no more than 10 minutes to drive home from where he was when he talked to my son. I have no explanation for that??????? As far as for him feeling secure, he should. I/we tried date night after this happened, for only 2 months, then he got busy with more important things, so he says. And of course, we've never gotten back on date night schedule. If he wants a little sex, I NEED a little romance. I am not a light switch that just turns on & off. Yes, I made a mistake, we both have. I needed more attention than I was getting @ home, I guess that's why it happened. In the lfirst part of the last year and a half, things changed dramatically. We spent more time together, praised each other, things were the way I loved them. Then it was time to farm and no time for me. That's how it always is, and how it always has been. The farm comes first because that's what feeds us. I don't have a problem with that, but surely he could show affection in some way. I am big on "little things". Very big. I feel better when I do little things for people. I always have done them for him, but he takes them for granted. He doesn't appreciate them. When he is gone farming, I pack a lunch for him and always put a little something special in, such as a Valentine card, or something little & thoughtful. Sometimes, just a smiley face sticker, but always something little. I would just like the same in return. Right now, sex is just hard for me. I am having a hard time trusting him, as he has been checking my Facebook to see if I have a boyfriend on there I guess?? I also don't like giving in to him when he's been on the computer checking out other naked women or when I walk in the door and he's sitting at the table reading Playboy. I want to be desired because of who I am, not because of the good looking bimbo he saw earlier. What's the difference between looking at in on the computer or having it stand in front of you but not being able to touch? I don't think he should be looking at anybody naked, EXCEPT me. He has been doing this behind me back for 15 years and he knows it makes me mad and still he won't quit. Just a "little thing" he could do, but won't. Everything that has happened to us and the way things are now, make my feelings for him fade more every day. I don't know if its possible to fall back in love with him or not. I am trying to keep an open mind, as a few of my friends have told me that divorce is not fun. I guess if everything was bad, I would have already left.


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## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

well it sound like your doing your part with the little things,as far as the porn thing,the only time i'm looking at porn is when i'm not getting any.my wife gets pist too,but i explained to her that if we had sex more often i wouldnt want to look at any porn.but i guess for women the stars and the moon need to be aligned! im sure its not helping that your feelings are fading.....thats when stuff could get dangerous for the both of you as far as cheating.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I am not worried about cheating, at least on my part. Right now I am so confused, depressed, I don't know which way to turn. Maybe if he cheated it would be my easy way out. I could say, OK, finally an answer! Right now it just feels as if I am waiting for him to throw the EA in my face again so I can leave. I'm not provoking it, but some days, I just wish it would happen and I would go. I feel I'm heading in a downhill slump, he must see it also, as it seems he's been hanging around a little more lately. He keeps asking me all these questions about the near future, like should we keep a puppy(out of a litter we raised) or stuff related to the farm. I can't answer him because right now I'm just living day to day, can't look into the future because I don't know where I will be or where I want to be. Part of me says stay here for the kids, but I know the maddening days are just around the corner and is it really worth it? Having sex with him makes me feel like I am lying to him. I'm not in it emotionally, so why do it? I'm hiding the truth about losing feelings for him from him, we are not and never have been the type to just sit and talk about things. We always fight. I believe this could be one thing that attacted me to TOM, we could talk about anything. Just talk like best friends. I've always wanted that and been jealous of couples who say thats how it is for them. I don't know what to do right now. Just VERY sad.


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