# Need advice from somebody who isnt emotionally involved



## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

Jeez where do I start. 
Okay, my husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have definatly had our ups and downs and when we got together he was majorly addicted to drugs. At some point in our relationship...about four months I told him it was the drugs or me, and he chose me. We went on with our relationship and we both liked to drink, I grew out of it faster then him but he did eventually stop drinking besides a beer or two every now and then. Fast forward...we get married and I found out I was pregnant with an amazing baby girl. However, about a month before I had my daughter he admitted that he had been using again. He stopped...but then started or maybe never stopped after our daughter was born. Fast forward a couple more months and he pretty much goes off the deep end, again. Mind you after my daughter was born we seperated for like two days but the second time I left for a week. In the course of this he also managed to lose a REALLY good job that could have been a great thing...so in a sense I was angry about that. I guess, my whole issue is that I don't know if I can trust him. He gets pissy with me for no reason and he's now working a good job and he works a lot of hours. I don't want my daughter to remember this if it can't work and at this point she won't. Heres the next big dilemma...I am so afraid that he will hurt himself. Everytime I say anything that remotely sounds like I think hes doing those drugs he flies off about something and even if I am thinking that I cant ever bring myself to say yes, thats how I'm feeling. I am really the only stable thing he has. His parents are *******s, his sister is too...and he has a good friend and that's it. 
I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, confused and just don't know. I don't want to look back and think about how I wasted my time during litterally my prime years. I also want my daughter to have both parents...but its not doing her any good to have both parents and one be unhappy.


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## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

Really? 47 people have viewed this and nobody has a response?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

missconfused said:


> I guess, my whole issue is that I don't know if I can trust him.


that is the dilemma. I have an H that lies to me, too. I've always heard and been told that you shouldn't stay with a man if you cant trust him. but the dilemma is maybe they'll change? and no one is perfect right? its confusing and not an easy decision. 

but i think there comes a time that in your heart you know what is right for you to do, even if its the hard thing to do. you have to get honest with yourself about what your reasons are for staying, or for leaving. If you leave can you support yourself and your daughter?


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## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

Thats the thing right there. 
He's taking care of us, and right now I can't. I'm working on finishing school and working very part time and he's busting his behind to take care of us. 
I don't know if I mentioned this, but he also lost a REALLY good job because he was stupid enough to do these drugs. So now, he's working a temp job that hasnt got a huge chance of being permanent...as I said, it pays really well. I recently began saving money for my "just in case" fund. 
My things this-you see all these 40 somethings that are SO unhappy and I don't want to be that. I don't want to have 3 children and be a single mom.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

missconfused said:


> Thats the thing right there.
> He's taking care of us, and right now I can't.


So here is problem #1. You have to start finding solutions that you can really use. Leaving isnt an option, not right now, and you need a solution right now. Its good that you're starting to save money for a 'just in case' fund. that's a solution for right now. 



missconfused said:


> My things this-you see all these 40 somethings that are SO unhappy and I don't want to be that. I don't want to have 3 children and be a single mom.


If you do not want to be a single mom with three kids, then one solution would be to stop having kids. You have one kid right now. If you arent sure about your future with your H dont have any more kids. 

Another solution is to stop living in 'what ifs'. you've got to start thinking about today, right now. You're thinking about not being happy at 40, with three kids, but you're not happy today with one kid, so what difference does being unhappy at 40 make? what can you do today to feel better? There is a group called alanon that you might want to check out. It is a free peer support group for family and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics. I went to some meetings myself and found the information really helpful. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen


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## Nickj (Aug 30, 2010)

Simply listen to your heart. What your heart says to you. If your heat what to live with him than go on but if it says no to you than leave it because there is no use of such relation where hearts are not bind, where two persons are living with each other physically but from heart they are far away from each other..


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## Orion3 (Jan 9, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you need to go into counseling. He needs to be able to work to find the root of his own addictions and tendencies to lie, and then figure out if these are things he can fix. You need to be able to, 1. start trusting him again, or 2. decide to make a life for you and your daughter away from him where honesty and health are important. Leaving or not leaving, your daughter is affected by the world she grows up in.

**** luck.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

What is he using? Here is the bottom line. If he is an addict, he cannot be trusted. Even once he admits, once he lets go of denial, you still can't really trust him. He is not in control. His addiction is. 

It it were me, I would go to counseling. I would tell him, invite him to join. If he goes, you have the goal of working on the marriage. If the counselor doesn't hone in on the addiction issues, I will be a monkey's uncle. If he does not go, you have the goal of figuring out what to do. Do you support him and power on? Do you make an exit strategy?


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