# a burden to my partner



## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

My partner of 3 years had just admitted that he cant cope with my health problems.

I am 7 mnths pregnant with my 3rd child. I have bad asthma, been diagnosed with a leg clot and have diabetes.

These ailments on top of the pregnancy is hard to bear most days. I have trips back and forth to a long distance hospital twice a week and have been hospitalised too.

This has a tremendous burden on my family especially my partner.

My midwife has told me to be aware of chest pains incase I get a pulmonary embolism which can be quite serious.

Last night I took chest pains and felt faint( which passed. I told my partner I was scared and thought I might have to call an ambulance. He continued to watch the TV and didnt speak. When the pains passed I asked him why he didnt reply - he said he thought I was overreacting and doesnt like to hear about my health problems beacuase they are always negative.

I felt so saddened. To be honest I am quite frightened because I watch my critiacally ill father pass away a few month ago with a long standing illness and I have never been so scared of my own death and what will happen to my children.

We argued and I sent him to his parents. I have never felt such saddness in this relationship before


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Familygirl, 
Let me just say that I am so very, very sorry that this has happened. We want the people we love to be the ones who care for us in those times when we may need it. To have him turn on you like that must have been so painful. It sounds like you both may benefit from talking to someone about this. For you-how to combat the anxiety, and for him-how to get past whatever is causing him to feel that way.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Are you morbidly obese?

If so maybe he's just frustrated with your inability to effectively deal with the causes of your medical problems which are largely avoidable.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

It sounds like you have very bad anxiety and are giving yourself panic attacks. On top of the pregnancy hormones and changes your body is going through, it's understandable, but at the same time, very draining for your partner. Maybe sending him to his mother's was a good thing. You need to calm down. I say this having anxiety disorder myself. A good doctor will take your phone calls. Call the doctor if you are worried about your health. If insurance covers it, please see a therapist. You need someone to help you manage your anxiety. It's not good for the baby either.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have the two of you gone to MC or even IC?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

familygirl said:


> My partner of 3 years had just admitted that he cant cope with my health problems.
> 
> I am 7 mnths pregnant with my 3rd child. I have bad asthma, been diagnosed with a leg clot and have diabetes.
> 
> ...


I can empathize with how you must feel. I am playing "devil's advocate" here as I ask these questions. I am not trying to say you're doing ANYTHING wrong, but am trying to see your guy's reasoning... 

1. I am confused about why you would be seeing a midwife instead of an M.D./Ob-Gyn if you have so medical problems. Can you please elaborate on how a midwife with limited training (or should I say, specialized training?) is willing to take on a high-risk patient such as yourself when she thinks a pulmonory embolism might occur? 

2. What are you doing for treatment of all these things?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like your partner needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

can you tell us a bit about your lifestyle?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think it is hard to cope with a loved ones health issues... especially if there are children to care for and he has to divide his care to several people... in addition to working.

Can you tell us a bit more about your health-related choices? Does your health permit you do look after your children?

Do not want to say that you are to blame... not at all!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

While I understand what everyone is saying ,I think her partner's response to her was very insensitive.
She has her medical conditions , but , she's seven months pregnant with his child.
Not just that , his third child , I assume.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> While I understand what everyone is saying ,I think her partner's response to her was very insensitive.
> She has her medical conditions , but , she's seven months pregnant with his child.
> Not just that , his third child , I assume.


His third? Then her health problems must stem from having three kids within three years.

I can understand her. If you are sick you want your partner to care for you. He promised "in sickness and health". OTOH you owe your partner to care as much for your health as you can.

To my mind it is not fair if a person shifts all the responsibility to the partner. Not saying that she is doing that.
We know very little about her life.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Are you morbidly obese?
> 
> If so maybe he's just frustrated with your inability to effectively deal with the causes of your medical problems which are largely avoidable.


No My BMI was 25 the start of my pregnancy. My diabetes doctor instructed me to exercise 30 mins daily-which i do. My asthma is quite limiting during these times and in daily life and there are problem managing my diabetes which leaves me with no energy.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

over20 said:


> Have the two of you gone to MC or even IC?


Yes we seen a marraige councellor in the past which seemed to work and we have made another appointment


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can empathize with how you must feel. I am playing "devil's advocate" here as I ask these questions. I am not trying to say you're doing ANYTHING wrong, but am trying to see your guy's reasoning...
> 
> 1. I am confused about why you would be seeing a midwife instead of an M.D./Ob-Gyn if you have so medical problems. Can you please elaborate on how a midwife with limited training (or should I say, specialized training?) is willing to take on a high-risk patient such as yourself when she thinks a pulmonory embolism might occur?
> 
> 2. What are you doing for treatment of all these things?



Apologies. I am seeing a midwife weekly along with obscetricians, diabetic and asthma doctors. They have all told me to watch for chest pains when I was diagnosed but it is the midwife who stresses the importance every week when I see her.

I am on clexane injections daily for clot. Seratide and salbutamol for asthma(cannot get steriods due to pregnancy). And metaformin for diabetes along with a controlled low carb diet and exercise - which will change to insulin injections this week as my levels are still high.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

rubpy3 said:


> can you tell us a bit about your lifestyle?


Yes I gave up work to take care of my 2 children. I exercise daily and do two school runs per day. I have a year old daughter and take care of my sister twice a week who has mental health problems. I also study part time one evening per week. Along with household duties cooking meals etc.

My partner works 4 days on 4 days off - on his 4 days off he helps with the kids and duties so i can attend hospital appointments, rest or attend to my sister..


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I think it is hard to cope with a loved ones health issues... especially if there are children to care for and he has to divide his care to several people... in addition to working.
> 
> Can you tell us a bit more about your health-related choices? Does your health permit you do look after your children?
> 
> Do not want to say that you are to blame... not at all!


Please see previous posts foe health related choices.

My health does affect my ability to look after the kids when my partner works. I do it - but Im extremelly tired and breathless. I get bit of a break when my partner is at home


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> While I understand what everyone is saying ,I think her partner's response to her was very insensitive.
> She has her medical conditions , but , she's seven months pregnant with his child.
> Not just that , his third child , I assume.


Yes my third child is also his


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> His third? Then her health problems must stem from having three kids within three years.
> 
> I can understand her. If you are sick you want your partner to care for you. He promised "in sickness and health". OTOH you owe your partner to care as much for your health as you can.
> 
> ...



My third, his second child. My eldest is from a previous relationship. my middle child (ours) is one year old. So two pregnancies in two years.

Please look at previous posts for my lifestyle.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

familygirl, I read through your other posts. As you know, you jumped into this relationship too fast and so did he. You didn't know him very well at all. Now you are married to a guy that doesn't have the qualities you want or need. I understand you are well into this pregnancy and would like some help and compassion from your H, but according to your previous posts, he isn't going to give it.

I am sorry you are in this situation, truly I am, but you chose your way into it and now you have to choose how you will live.

You can choose to stay with him and put up with the lies, porn, not being included in his life, no compassion, etc. and raise your kids with that....

OR you can choose to leave. Your H is who he is, if you had dated longer you probably would have discovered all this about him before you married, but here you are. Your H has made it perfectly clear that he is not going to change for you, that he doesn't have any compassion for you. Why would leaving be so hard or so bad?

Again, I know this is difficult, especially because you are nearing the end of your pregnancy, and I know how much harder it is to deal with things because of the pregnancy hormones and all. I truly think it will be easier on you though if you face reality and start dealing with it. At the very least you need to disengage from him emotionally. Stop needing or wanting his support. Start depending on you and you alone. I do believe you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I don't give a crap how bad your health problems are, it is no excuse for your husband to say that to you. Any man who tells his pregnant wife negative comments about her concerns does not deserve for her to carry his child. As my husband is saying in reading this post, he needs to suck it up and be a man. Seriously, as a pregnant woman, I sympathize with you. It can be tough, and I can't imagine it with all your health problems on top of it. Hang in there until the baby comes, and don't be afraid to send your husband off when he is a total jack***.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> I don't give a crap how bad your health problems are, it is no excuse for your husband to say that to you. Any man who tells his pregnant wife negative comments about her concerns does not deserve for her to carry his child. As my husband is saying in reading this post, he needs to suck it up and be a man. Seriously, as a pregnant woman, I sympathize with you. It can be tough, and I can't imagine it with all your health problems on top of it. Hang in there until the baby comes, and don't be afraid to send your husband off when he is a total jack***.


:iagree:

Seven months pregnant is almost time to deliver a baby and a very stressful time for the mother. And she has other complications.
I really can't comprehend what on the TV could have been more important than his sick, pregnant wife.
In addition he told her that he was fed up of having to care for her in her sick, pregnant condition?:scratchhead:

I think she was justified in sending him back to his mother's house.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Familygirl....I'm really sorry to hear about this. 

My question is this. 
Does your husband know how serious your situation is? 

Pulmonary Embolism is nothing to laugh about. In fact 1 in 5 cases of sudden death are caused by pulmonary embolism. Most the time, these situations are diagnosed and treated but you get the odd one that will hit you out of nowhere and it's fatal.

Next time you get chest pains with dizziness....phone the ambulance. Please...don't wait for your husband to take you in...especially when he's being this insensitive...cause...next time around...he just might become a single dad.

My other question is this: Is there anybody you can stay with that will help you when you need it....I mean emergency wise. Obviously your husband cannot be dependable, otherwise he would have phoned the ambulance or taken you to the hospital...but he didn't do neither. So is there anybody else you can stay with until the baby is born?

I"m sorry I'm not much for giving any marital advice...it's one of my weak points. But my focus is on you and your unborn since I'm in the medical field and when I hear how spouses can be so insensitive and neglectful when one requires an emergency call...it just grates me.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Seven months pregnant is almost time to deliver a baby and a very stressful time for the mother. And she has other complications.
> I really can't comprehend what on the TV could have been more important than his sick, pregnant wife.
> ...


^^^^ Me too. I don't care what kind of reason he had (tv or not) there is absolutely no reason to seek medical aid for a spouse who really needs it. Good grief...I wouldn't my worst enemy like this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This sounds like a tough situation. While it sounds like you are doing what you can for your health and taking care of your family, it does also sound like your health issues are dominating how your family's time together is spent. 

What do the two of you do for fun? 

One of my clients had a similar situation. He met and married a woman who was his "everything." He said that their relationship of just under two years was "perfect" when they married. Then there was an accident that caused her to have some health issues, and those health issues led to more health issues. She's now completely disabled, and he has spent 14 years as her caretaker. He is pretty resentful (and I think unfaithful, though I am not positive). His words were, "Those two years weren't enough time to build the kind of love that would make a lifetime of care-taking seem ok, but she doesn't have anyone else to turn to." 

I hope you will talk to your docs about how to manage your health and lifestyle so that these problems can stop being problems! Your guy's response was insensitive, yes, but understandable. You'll need to have the same kind of patience and understanding FOR him that you want FROM him, I think.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think I have been reading things into what you said. I am sorry!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When you marry somebody, you're supposed to love them so much that health issues aren't a detriment to that love.

Sounds like his love is absolutely conditional upon your health.

It's probably too early to make that assumption but that's what he's showing with that lack of action during your chest pains.

If a woman is carrying my child and she has chest pains I would freakin carry her to the ER if I had to.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

That was unbelievably cruel of your husband. And I'm astonished at the number of posters who are assuming you're obese and to blame! What a horrid thing to say.

Pregnancy is a very dangerous time in a woman's life. We don't see too many deaths these days because complications are well-managed, but that doesn't make it suddenly inherently safe.

I wish I could help with regards to your husband. Mine is similar and would probably react similarly in the same situation. It's only a matter of time until we divorce, because it's hard to love and trust someone who doesn't seem to care whether your live or die.

As far as seeing a midwife, I assume you're in the UK? I appreciated the poster who tried to harp on that. Again, the implication that you're responsible for your problems. 

I think I need a break from this board, or else I'm going to lose all my faith in humanity...


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I think I need a break from this board, or else I'm going to lose all my faith in humanity...




Don't go! 

I have come across quite a few posts from people and I would be scratching my head and thinking, "WTF?". I have to remember that my purpose on here is to assist the OP and give advice based on what they wrote; not on what others write. 

I'm quite sure along the way I have responded in a way that may have seemed offensive and/or ignorant to the reader but honestly, it wasn't my intention. 

Anyway --- as I said -- don't go. Please.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Don't go!
> 
> I have come across quite a few posts from people and I would be scratching my head and thinking, "WTF?". I have to remember that my purpose on here is to assist the OP and give advice based on what they wrote; not on what others write.
> 
> ...



Aww, thanks for saying that!

Gah, who am I kidding, I can't go. Who will fight with PHTlump?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I am really sorry because I have been reading things into this thread. Please accept me apologies.

If you have chest pain and feel faint you should immediately call an ambulance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> They married. Then there was an accident that caused her to have some health issues, and those health issues led to more health issues. She's now completely disabled, and he has spent 14 years as her caretaker. He is pretty resentful (and I think unfaithful, though I am not positive). His words were, "Those two years weren't enough time to build the kind of love that would make a lifetime of care-taking seem ok, but she doesn't have anyone else to turn to."


Kathy, don't you think the question here is the man's character?

I am sure my dh would have cared for me if I had had health problems shortly after marrying.


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