# Not attracted to husband



## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm 32 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years and we have no children. I am not attracted or in love with my husband and I don't think I ever was. He's a great guy and I do love him. We are in a sexless marriage because I never want to with him and I know he feels bad about that. I also feel terrible I just don't know what to do...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Let him go that's what you do.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

cheeksinfo said:


> I'm 32 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years and we have no children. I am not attracted or in love with my husband and I don't think I ever was. He's a great guy and I do love him. We are in a sexless marriage because I never want to with him and I know he feels bad about that. I also feel terrible I just don't know what to do...


You cut him loose thats what you do. Why shouldn't you? You have no kids, you're not IN love. You are not attracted to him, you don't have sex with him, so whats your pay off for staying?


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

So hard too.I do love him.I do want him to be happy and I can tell he is so in love with me. I don't want to devastate him by divorcing him. Would be too much for him to bear I think. But at the same time I have to be happy too. This sucks


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

And he deserves to be happy too. It may devastate him initially but eventually he will realize he can be happier being with someone that loves him back.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Before you just decide to cut ties and move on, please consider your expectations. You say he's a great guy and you love him but you're not "in love." This makes me wonder what you think is "normal" for a relationship of ten years? 

Are you simply bored? Wishing for some quality that's lacking? 

I have often considered how marriage is like or different than our relationships with brothers and sisters... When we are very young, we may idolize our sibling much like the "in love" feelings that people have when a relationship is new, but with familiarity comes a deeper understanding and friendship that is different. It's not less worthy, but it's no longer based on an idealized version of the other person. We are forced to take their flaws alongside their terrific qualities.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to be absolutely certain of your feelings.

If you decide you're not in love or attracted to your husband you have to leave him 
He's living a lie
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

cheeks,

Is there someone else you're feeling drawn to?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheeksinfo said:


> I am not attracted or in love with my husband and *I don't think I ever was*.


Well you either were or you weren't. So which is it? 

Are you having an affair? Please don't take offense to that question but it's an honest question.

How are things with your emotional connection? If that is off, then your libido will be. How long has your marriage been sexless?


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you all for responding. I have had affairs in the past yes but I am not now.


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

Our relationship is great outside of the bedroom. We talk and laugh. No negative feelings only when it comes time for us to have sex. I just don't want to with him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You better duck


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So do you consider your doing a favor to him, by staying?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheeksinfo said:


> I have had affairs in the past yes but I am not now.


Okay. How long ago? And how long ago was the last affair? Does he know about the affairs? 

Do not think for one minute this hasn't played into where the state of your marriage is at.

How are you connecting emotionally? Does he complain to you about the lack of sex? How long have you been sexless?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jelly,

That's where I was going! But I tried to be a liitle more subtle (guess I'm a time waster!)

Cheeks, you are looking for that high that you get from a new relationship. Have you or your husband had any type of counciling after your affairs?

You've gotten used to this feeling of being high from a new relationship. This is evidenced by the simple fact that you've said you've had more than one affair.

If you cannot be faithful to your husband, the best course of action would be to tell him that you need to move on. Do not continue to hurt him with affairs

However, be prepared to spend your life drifting in and out of men's lives and never truly feeling loved or content. Being married is not about being hopped up and giddy all the time. It's knowing that the person you are with will always have your back and be there through the good and bad times. The fireworks and the heat may subside but there will always be a small spark and a warmth generated from your spouse.

I feel sorry for you because you seem to have found most of this in your husband but now feel it isn't enough. Set him free to find a woman who would give her very soul to have what you now have


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I agree with Jelly-----affairs (EA and PA) are probably a big part of this. Why are you not turned on to have sex with him?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have re-written the history of you marriage to make yourself believe your were never in love with him. That's a bunch of cat-scat. You were attracted and in love with him at some point or you would not have walked down the isle. 

The fact that you cannot be faithful to him is an indicator you do not need to be married to anyone. Ever.

I'm not knocking you... some people are just not cut out for monogamy. Check out _Hunger's_ thread, she's alot like you.

I gather he does not know about your affairs or you would probably be divorced now. Tell him that you do not love him as a real wife should love her husband, tell him about the affairs and give him the most generous divorce you can. Take your personal things, take care of your own debts, and give him everything else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Jelly,
> 
> That's where I was going! But I tried to be a liitle more subtle (guess I'm a time waster!)


Just call me Detective Jellybeans!


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow you are right on the money. And he does not know about the affairs and you are right. Marriage is more than those happy giddy feelings. And you may be right. Marriage may not be for me. We do have a great relationship outside of sex. It's only that department.  I have a lot of thinking to do.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Part of marriage is dealing with feelings like these. Not everyone is attracted to one single person for their WHOLE LIFE, but there should be some chemistry between you two. Life's too short otherwise.

Think about other men you've been attracted to. What is it about them that's drawn you? is there any way you can create that feeling between you and your hubby? Also consider how important it is to you to have his companionship and if that's something you're really ready to toss out the door.


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

You are so right have to weigh what's important


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cheeks,
As of now, you're not in a marriage. At best you have a roommate and another human being whom you betrayed a number of times.

Bandit is right. He has the right to know and you should only take out of this relationship anything that you put in. Give him an easy divorce so he can ease into a relationship he deserves.

Tell him before he somehow finds out on his own either now or years later.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep.

Cut the cord. Be straight up and honest. Tell him you are 100% guilty and have no excuses and that you cannot remain married to him and hurt him any further. 

DO NOT BLAME HIM FOR ANYTHING.......Tell him this is 100% on you., that you are the one who is flawed. 

He will cry and beg you to stay, but you have to be strong. Have your bags packed and ready to leave immediately. It will be cruel, he will hate you, and he may call your family and everyone you know and tell them you are a cheater. Be prepared to kiss alot of friends and family goodbye over this. 

But this is the price you pay.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

These are typical feelings of a WS. The ILYBIANILWY.

I suggest that it is indeed likely you were in love with him at one time. You just are not getting that dopamine from him now.

Indeed while there may be a rush to being in an affair, you can still be very much in love with your husband in the future. You do not have to only be in an affair for that rush. Being in love can come and go. 

So I suggest before you cast him away that you work on this.

Does your husband know about your affairs? I am a believer that affairs do impact marriages negatively even if the BS does not know. This may be the case here. If he did not know the honest truth is that your affairs killed your love for him. If you say you never had it you are rationalizing.

Hidden affairs kill marriages. The BS not knowing does not help. You know you cheated. It sounds like you have had multiple affairs. Gee whiz!
So I think you should tell him. Otherwise this great guy is going to think he ruined his marriage... which he did not.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Let him go and get a divorce. Living for convenience is not right. 

I'm so incredibly in love and lust with my husband 13 years after the day we met. I'm more in love with him as time goes on. He does so much for us to make sure we are happy and taken care of.

I'm so very lucky to have such a great man in my life. Why don't you allow your husband find someone whom feels the same way I feel about mine.

I love making my husband happy and I go out of my way to do so, just as he does for me.

Good luck.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

cheeksinfo said:


> Wow you are right on the money. And he does not know about the affairs and you are right. Marriage is more than those happy giddy feelings. And you may be right. Marriage may not be for me. We do have a great relationship outside of sex. It's only that department.  I have a lot of thinking to do.


You keep saying you "love" him, yet need to get away from him(not "in" love with him) Just what is it you love about him? Is he a good provider and you don't want to lose that aspect of living near him?
If you've managed to have affairs during the last ten years, you probably can pull it off for another ten because if does happen.
Is it possible that you feel you have some sort of major flaw that would prevent you from finding a different guy that you could have the "in" you are craving that could also keep a roof over your head and provide for you financially?
If you do "love" him, tie him a break and dump him because I'm pretty sure the guy you have described can do a lot better.


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## cheeksinfo (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm goin to say this in my part affairs I have been in love and felt that feeling. That is a feeling I've never had with my h.why did I marry.maybe because I knew he was a good guy. I know people will really think I'm dumb for leaving but I feel that I should be in a relationship in which I want to be intimate. You are all right in many aspects. And yes I don't want to have to start over again. I know...its selfish.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If you care about him. For his sake. Leave.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Don't confess a thing!! Just soul search and figure out where your heart is? Where do you see your self in 1,3,5,10 years etc etc.

It may be best to move on..........but confessing will just mess up any rational thought that you guys might have. The whole focus will become the previous affairs and nothing else............!!

Best of luck!!


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

You cheated. Multiple times. You are wrong and your husband deserves better than you've given him. Stop being selfish and grow up. The longer you string your husband along, the more hurt you will cause him.
You say you love him. Prove it. Tell him the truth. Let him go.

Yes he will be hurt. But his hurt will turn to anger when you tell him you threw away your vows and cheated on him multiple times. I wouldn't worry too much after that. Because he will be done with you.


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

Sorry to say but i don't think there is no chances of success in future. So it will be better for you both to separate and give him at least chance, so that he can think about his future..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I also hate to say it but that perfect man you are searching for does not exist, or else you would be divorced and remarried to one of your affair partners now. You are a love junkie. You exist completely on feelings. Once the giddiness wears off you are off to the next conquest. Elizabeth Taylor was one such love junkie, and look at what it did to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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