# Should I Leave or Should I Stay?



## Slytherin_chick (Dec 27, 2011)

Hi! I am from Manila in the Philippines. Just so you know that some situations (or laws) may not apply to me as that of someone living in the US.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 years. When I met him, I was only 16 and I didn't really paid much attention to his bad behaviors. He grew up in a foster home. His parents divorced when he was young and he was sexually molested when he was a child. He dropped out of highschool and is now a professional bum. He smokes, drinks and goes out with his friends a lot. Things were okay at first and we had so much fun growing up. 6 years into our relationship, we decided to move in together. :scratchhead:

Needless to say, he is a total mooch. I work, pay the bills and rent, put food on the table and tried to make both ends meet with the meager income that I have. I try to make our lives as comfortable as possible since we don't have a child. I only asked him one thing: try his best to at least to search for a job or run the house (like a house husband). But he doesn't. Whenever I come home from work, the house is in disarray and you can definitely tell that the dogs are starving. I still even need to do the laundry. He would complain if he wants something that I can't afford it. He complains that we're still renting and I don't have the capacity to purchase a house. He drinks everynight (he says he cannot sleep if he doesn't drink). I decided to put up a business for him but it went bankrupt in less than 6 months. I got him a motorcycle for him to have an "inspiration" to work but I ended up paying for the thing myself. Now it has gotten worse. Since having the motorcycle, he goes on out of town trips leaving me alone in the house for days- no calls, no texts. I am getting very frustrated. If he doesn't have gas money, he would sell stuff from the house or steal money from my purse while I'm asleep. He's getting very dependent on alcohol. Our finances are starting to suffer. My family is completely against him, but I stuck with him all throughout with the thought that God must have a purpose why He gave me this man. 

Now I like to kick him out of the house to teach him a lesson but I am having mixed emotions about it. He said that I should "understand him" because he had a bad childhood and that he has nowhere else to go (his foster family does not want anything to do with him anymore). He said if I leave him, he would destroy me (not necessarily kill me) and end his life. He is not asking for another chance nor is he apologetic for his actions. Whenever I ask him to leave, he keeps coming back. I'm tired and we are having heated arguments everyday about his behaviors. And I know, I am also part of the abuse because sometimes I cannot control the words coming out of my mouth out of anger. I plan on going out of the country in 2012 to work and send him money for our future, but since he cannot be trusted with finances, the future seems very uncertain for the both of us. And yes... he cheated on me once.

I'm starting to lose all the respect I have for myself and I feel that I deserve more. I have already accepted my fate to be the breadwinner of the family, but I want a husband to come home to and not a troublesome child that I need to take care of. We are not yet married and we don't have a kid. Sometimes a perfect opportunity to escape presents itself to me but I feel really guilty leaving him knowing that he will end up homeless or in jail... or worst, the cemetery. 

I still love him dearly and I pray everynight for guidance and divine intervention for him to change for the better. Is there still hope? Please help.... 

Sincerely,
Slytherin_chick


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your boyfriend is a complete loser.

I have no clue why you`re with him.

Whose name is on the lease for your place?

If it`s yours I`d ask him to leave and not let him back in.

If he refuses to leave go down to the courthouse and file an eviction notice.
Sooner or later the cops will escort him and his stuff off the premises.

You`ve wasted the best years of your life on this idiot.

Their are real men out there y`know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When are you going out of the country to work?


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## Slytherin_chick (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> When are you going out of the country to work?


I'm planning to start the paper work January 2012.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. When we love someone it does not mean we have to accept all the garbage they throw at us. You can change. This is drastic but you should leave him,because you love him. He will never get the message otherwise. There is an author called James Dobson and he wrote a book called Love must be tough. Try to read it if you can, he is with focusonthefamily.org.

I will pray that change is around the corner in the new year for both of you , but especially you. Sometimes by changing our own behavior it will have a positive effect on others.

blessings


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sending him money after you leave will likely be putting water in a bucket with a hole in the bottom. Since he is not willing to make any positive changes for himself and/or your future together, I would lean toward telling him you want a trial separation when you leave the country (maybe after if you fear his reaction) & try to focus on your future without him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slytherin_chick said:


> I'm planning to start the paper work January 2012.


The reason I asked about when you will be leaving is that it would be a good time to end your relationship with him. 

You should value yourself more than you do. Why do you stay with him?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Have you ever written a list of pros and cons about something.
For example the job you are about to embark on overseas. I would do a pros and cons list for your husband.

I will help you out with the cons.

-Does not have a job
-He is a drunk
-He is a slob
-Terrible with finances.
-Does not respect you.
-Has no future.

Here is one Pro

-You are leaving the country and will not have to deal with him.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Has he ever worked. Why are you prepared to accept all this at least till now. You are the breadwinner remember for him as well not just yourself. He even complains why he doesnt have a house when he doesnt pay a thing. He has cheated on you. You argue a lot.
You are not even married. You dont seem to ever have had someone else. Has he ever done something for you.
What is it that holds you so much to him. Is it fear of the unknown. Do you have other friends. What do they tell you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The part about going out of the country in 2012 makes a nice ending to your story. You can edit out the part about 'sending money back' and 'our future' and you'll be just fine, unless the motorcycle can fly or swim.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

> but I stuck with him all throughout with the thought that God must have a purpose why He gave me this man.


When you realize that God didn't give you this man, YOU DID, you will have the power to change your situation. Get out of it while you can!


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## walkawaywife (May 24, 2011)

i had my answer by about three sentences into the third paragraph. dump this loser.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

What is it that holds you so much to him. Is it fear of the unknown. Do you have other friends. What do they tell you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

"I pray everynight for guidance and divine intervention for him to change for the better."

We seldom pray for the things we truly need. Pray that the Lord gives you the strength so that YOU can change for the better. So that you start loving yourself enough to realize that he is leeching your soul.


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## LoveLifeNow (Dec 28, 2011)

Agree with the "tough" love option. You are enabling him to keep his bad habits, thus actually hurting instead of helping him. 
You need to take care of yourself and leave.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

The best solution is to dump Him. However, if You can't, at least carry on with your work and Life. Go out of the country, get a good job. Give him time. If he really Loves you, it might bring a change in him. He has been dependent on you. When he loses the dependency, the realisation must hit him. If it doesn't, never look back. Because if your absence doesn't change him, nothing else will.


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## Slytherin_chick (Dec 27, 2011)

Slytherin_chick said:


> Hi! I am from Manila in the Philippines. Just so you know that some situations (or laws) may not apply to me as that of someone living in the US.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 years. When I met him, I was only 16 and I didn't really paid much attention to his bad behaviors. He grew up in a foster home. His parents divorced when he was young and he was sexually molested when he was a child. He dropped out of highschool and is now a professional bum. He smokes, drinks and goes out with his friends a lot. Things were okay at first and we had so much fun growing up. 6 years into our relationship, we decided to move in together. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


UPDATE: 01/02/2012

Last December 31st, a few hours before the new year, we had a huge fight. We decided to spend the new year celebrations apart. I was very upset because he was with his friends last Christmas and it was our only chance to spend time with each other. I prayed fervently while crying myself to sleep. I prayed for happiness, change and the courage to do what I needed to do. The next day, I asked him to leave and told him I'm no longer happy and its all over between us. He got upset and hit me with a helmet on the thigh. That was the final straw. I went straight to the police but he fled the scene long before they can make an arrest. I had myself checked by a medico-legal officer in case I decided to bring the matter to the courts. I packed my belongings, took my dogs and ran out of the house. I'm currently staying with my mom until God knows when. He texted me saying that he is sorry and that he doesn't mean to hurt me. I told him I will no longer file any charges against him as long as he leaves me in peace. I said he can keep the motorcycle if that's what he wants, but he has to accept the fact that it's over between us. He said he will never bother me again. Its a very drastic change but you're correct guys, "Love must be tough." I'm still adjusting to life being single but I'm happy I can finally move on.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Slytherin_chick said:


> UPDATE: 01/02/2012
> 
> Last December 31st, a few hours before the new year, we had a huge fight. We decided to spend the new year celebrations apart. I was very upset because he was with his friends last Christmas and it was our only chance to spend time with each other. I prayed fervently while crying myself to sleep. I prayed for happiness, change and the courage to do what I needed to do. The next day, I asked him to leave and told him I'm no longer happy and its all over between us. He got upset and hit me with a helmet on the thigh. That was the final straw. I went straight to the police but he fled the scene long before they can make an arrest. I had myself checked by a medico-legal officer in case I decided to bring the matter to the courts. I packed my belongings, took my dogs and ran out of the house. I'm currently staying with my mom until God knows when. He texted me saying that he is sorry and that he doesn't mean to hurt me. I told him I will no longer file any charges against him as long as he leaves me in peace. I said he can keep the motorcycle if that's what he wants, but he has to accept the fact that it's over between us. He said he will never bother me again. *Its a very drastic change but you're correct guys, "Love must be tough." I'm still adjusting to life being single but I'm happy I can finally move on.*


Well, it was sad but I'm happy you've taken a big decision for yourself because once when someone turns to Physical abuse, its difficult to stop, it becomes an addiction. Glad you found the right path for yourself. Wish you a Happy Life ahead.  Stay blessed Dear!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I know it's not easy, especially the way things ended, but 2012 looks very promising for you now! All the best wishes for a great year ahead, Slytherin_Chick!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slytherin_Chick, 

You have done the right thing. Now you can get on with your new life. I wish you all the strength you need to be happy.


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