# I'm so confused...



## NotTraveling

Ok, so my wife and I are getting a divorce and have been separated for 5 months now. She's the one that wants the divorce, but I understand it's for the best. Please see previous threads of mine to get the whole story. But, this isn't my problem. 

What I'm confused about is why I keep falling for other girls and want to get back into a relationship. I know very well I need to be alone and am not yet over my ex, but every time I go out and am social I seem to fall for somebody. I'm not looking for sex, I just miss the intimacy of a marriage. Is this a normal part of the process? Have any of you had similar experiences? How will I know I actually like somebody instead of fall for them to fill my void?

Also, my wife and I were married for 6 years but were together since we were 16. I'm 29 now. I've never actually dated as an adult and the whole dynamic confuses me.


----------



## desert-rose

Are you in individual counseling? Do you have good friends with whom you can discuss your social tendencies to see if you can get an outside (yet personal) perspective on this? 

It sounds to me like you're lonely. You have to endure the being on your own part long enough to be happy with yourself and happy on your own, I think. You have to fill your time with things you enjoy that fulfill your spirit and enrich your experience of the world. You've been really hurt and betrayed by someone you trusted and that leaves a wound which needs some care. It's totally okay to spend time with other people, obviously, and even to date, but recognize your motivations while you're making choices, if you can. If you suspect that you're with someone out of loneliness rather than genuine connection, honor that and recognize that's what's happening rather than tuning out the feelings. 

You don't want to jump into something serious right away or you may have problems that you don't need. If you're going to date, just take it really slow so that you aren't just diving into the same patterns that you followed in your own marriage. It sounds like you already recognize that you're looking for the familiar rather than the particular. I think you'll know whether you like a woman for herself rather than for the function she has in your life when you start to see her for who she is rather than just for what she brings into your life. If you can separate those things, then maybe that's a good way to tell that you're moving along in a healthy manner. A slower pace means you have more opportunity for reflection along the way to be sure about which it is.

I don't know your background, but I think this is a common feeling for people who have been in relationships for a very long time and in the formative years as adults.


----------



## carol

I agree. You need to get to a place where you are comfortable being alone. If you date now and don't take the time to learn what went wrong the last time, you will make the same mistakes again and again. Also, you may appear needy at this time and that isn't fun for anyone. so, take the time to heal and reflect and enjoy your time alone. If you need company, go out with friends that support you.


----------



## NotTraveling

Thank you both for your responses. I think you are right. I do believe I am acting in a needy manner and I come off as such. That's why every girl I meet I become friends with. What I am getting from this is I need friends and to be alone. I don't need a relationship or to even look for one. Being lonely stinks and it's really hard but it will pass. As you said, I need to be comfortable with being alone and loneliness. I just have to be aware of the waves that come and go. When I'm feeling ok, I just need to ask myself "Am I really ok". I guess, when I don't have to ask if I'm ok anymore that's when I can move on.

desert-rose said: "I think you'll know whether you like a woman for herself rather than for the function she has in your life when you start to see her for who she is rather than just for what she brings into your life."

That's great advice! This is exactly what I need to look for once I'm comfortable being alone. Wonderful!


----------



## Shane Jimison

I am passing through same phase as my wife wan to give me divorce but I don’t want this. Please tell me what I should do.


----------



## Jellybeans

NotTraveling said:


> I'm not looking for sex, I just miss the intimacy of a marriage. Is this a normal part of the process?


Totally normal. Especially when you are used to having a companion to count on/call/see/hang with 24/7. 

Take your time. Feel your feelings, grieve your marriage, don't fall too hard for anyone straight away. Allow yourself sometime to be single. Nothing wrong wtih flirting with women. Just make sure you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

You'll be fine.


----------



## carol

Shane Jimison said:


> I am passing through same phase as my wife wan to give me divorce but I don’t want this. Please tell me what I should do.


Have you sat down and talked with her about this? Do you know why she wants a divorce?


----------

