# Help me save my marriage



## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

I fell for my wife since she was very religious and pious. She has won medals in her academics. The initial few days of marriage was very happy. Our marriage is just a few months old.

The initial few days of my marriage was was happy. My parents liked her a lot and was very happy about her. They did many things for her which they had not done for only sister when she got married. She was also very good to my parents.

There was some issues with the elders about the marriage arrangements. My Mother in law called my wife and gave her statement on the happenings. From then on she started to talk bad about my parents and family. I adviced her very calmy not to interfere in matters which has to be sorted by the elders. She never listened. I then called her mom and asked her to advice her daughter no to speak or behave like this. Still there was no change. Her behaviour changed towards my parents and her words were very sharp and hurting.

I had lost my job due to recession and hence we both decided to go to my parents house for a few days. We were happy to know that she was pregent. leaving behind all her past behaviours my parents still treated her well. Still she didnt speak to my father even after four days. 

On the fourth day she said she wants to go home to see her mother. I told her that the doctor has adviced very strongly against any kind of travel and so I shall take her after a few more days to her house. Also in the mean time I asked to to speak properly to my parents and bring harmony at home. 
She immediately called her mom and her mom called me and started shouting at me and also spoke disrespectfully on my dad. Next day morning I woke up to see my wife packing her things. When I asked her she told me that her mom and sister are coming to take her home. My parents and myself were shocked to know the respect we had. Her mom came and had her own complaints and arguements. Finally in spite of us asking not to go she went with her mom.

I was going through a pain of losing my job and this came as a bigger blow. She didnt call me after reaching home and didnt ping me when she saw me online. Through prayers and my parents advice since she is pregnant they asked me to call her and speak to her. I did. She had her own arguements and reasons everytime on everything that happened. She even started to speak very low about my family and parents. 
I went for a spiritual retreat for a week. Prayed well and on the advice of many religious counsillors and my parents I killed my self esteem and I went to her house on the way back and stayed for a day. I even asked her mom to forgive me if I had said anything that hurt her.

Since it was the first Xmas I had to celebrate in my inlaws place. I was ready and eager. I asked my wife to ask her mom to call my parents to invite me formally. There started the issue. She again started her abuse. I was very very hurt. I restrained from calling her for one day. But keeping my baby in mind I called her on the second day. She gave her phone to her mother and *her mother started to abuse me directly calling me a dog and that I am not a man at all.* *My wife took the phone from her mom and when I asked her if she was happy, still she had her reasoning and supported her mom.*

I couldnt bear the pain. I didnt tell about this to my parents. I wrote a very humble mail to my wife on everything. I didnt call her after that. She didnt bother to send me a message even wishing me for Xmas or New Year.

In between she and her mom had spoken to a common family freind of mine asking me to call them. When I told the person everything that had happened they had adviced her and her mother. The next day her mother called the person and asked him not to interfere in this issue any further.

I got a 5 line mail from her last week that she felt the baby inside her for the first time and wanted to inform me. the rest of the lines were that " she knows that it would be of no interest to me and that I am a bad husband and father and so on". She had addressed the mail as "Hello". There was nothing for me to reply and I also decided it would be better if I dont reply.

Though my wife has an attitude because of the way she was bought up by her mother.Still she wouldnt be behaving so badly if her mom corrects her when she does this. Instead it is her mom who is screwing up things and advicing my wife to be arrogant and adamant. Neither my wife nor her mother realise the kids and her position after the death of her mother.

God blessed with me a nice job. But with the pain and hurt going through within me I am not able to perform fully. It affects me in everything, daily.

I still love my wife and am very much eager to have our baby. But I am afraid if she maintains this behaviour she will keep the kid also away from me. already I am feeling very bad for missing the precious moments during her pregnancy.

Please advice on what should I do and how should I handle this issue to save my marriage.


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

Hey since I posted I am logging in once in 15mins to check if some one had given any advice or suggestion. Seems like everyone is busy with their own problems in life. 

Still I am waiting eagerly...


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

How old are you guys? Also, it sounds like there might be cultural differences in upbringing between you and her. Is that correct?

The first problem is yours and her parents are in your business. They shouldn't be. You shouldn't need your parents formly inviting you to her mom's place. What do your parents have to do with that?

You need to put all feelings about her mom/her parents aside and make good with your wife. When you can get your wife back and things are back to normal you need to keep your parents and her parents out of your personal relationship with each other. 

Maybe I am missing something here but it sounds like you involve her parents and your parents. Why??

You shouldn't call her mom and tell her mom to tell your wife to stop acting a certain way. Even if you are young and immature once you married you should act like an adult. 

Does this help? First, get your wife back. Do whatever you have to to show her you love her, miss her, need her, and want the baby too. You are missing out on the best time with her and letting her parents and your parents stand in the way.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya parents need to stay out you guys need to grow up.. HOW OLD ARE YOU? when me and my hubby first started I went to my parents alot BUT I was young and dumb and so was he.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

well we sorta just started to grow up to this last year at 26 and 27 years old


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS (Feb 6, 2009)

You need to not involve your parents. Your cultural differences or upbringing have nothing to do with you marriage. If you want a shot at having a good marriage, start with excluding your parents and hers out of the relationship. That will be the most grown up thing you can ever do! Your marriage is doomed if you don't.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

PENNY4URTHOUGHTS said:


> You need to not involve your parents. Your cultural differences or upbringing have nothing to do with you marriage. If you want a shot at having a good marriage, start with excluding your parents and hers out of the relationship. That will be the most grown up thing you can ever do! Your marriage is doomed if you don't.


I am not sure I agree with you....your culture and your upbringing define where you came from and what you believe in. I would say that has a huge part in the marriage. But they should have known the differences before they got married.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Well i find this very strange because i know i posted to this story. you must have created another screen name and reposted your story?


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you all for the replies. I had not invovled my parents. Its her mom who calls her up almost 5 times a day and she gets all updates of what is going on daily. Infact my wife speaks to her mom from the kitchen or when I go for bath,etc and not in front of me,even if it is a casual talk.

It was her mom who started this problem in my wife by calling her on an issue she had with my dad. From then neither she nor my wife has any respect towards my parents. I didnt bother much. It staretd to hurt when she started speaking rudely and disrespectfully to my parents. *How would you tolerate when someone abuses your parents and family?Whoever it is! She abused my parents and her mom abused me.*

Inspite of me and my parents asking her not to leave, she called her mom to come and take her, this too when the doctors had adviced seriously to avoid any kind of travel fearing abortion. When my wife does a mistake,speaks rudely or disrespects me or my parents, her mom instead of correcting her supports her. When she gets that support she feels everything what she does is right and keeps doing the same.

It was after this incident I went to her house and stayed for a day killing my self esteem just for the sake of her and my baby. She is now in her mothers place and would come only after delivery. After all the abuses I got from her mother, my wife expects me to come down and call her daily. Till today she is very adamant that she never bothered to wish me for Xmas or New Year. After a long time she had written a mail, still complaining about me and asthough she is perfectly flawless.

Now her mother dictates terms to our family friends that "If we want to see the baby we have to go to their place and attend the baptism". She is doing things to her daughter now and she listens. But if she starts to take control and do things with my kid I think its gonna get very serious in my heart. By doing that she will shatter all my dreams which I have for my baby.

FYI- I am 33yeart old and she is 27.

*ljtseng* Thank you very much for your quick response when I had posted this in a different username. Infact I had to change the username and post it again since that username is known very well to all my family and friends who doesnt know about this problem I am going through. Sorry. Hope to get some advice from you. Please.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chundu said:


> When my wife does a mistake,speaks rudely or disrespects me or my parents, her mom instead of correcting her supports her. When she gets that support she feels everything what she does is right and keeps doing the same.


Her mom supports how she's feeling. Now she is with her mom. Understand?

Im not saying that the remarks towards you or your family are ok. Naturally it would hurt anyones feelings to hear such things. Your wife sounds like she has poor communication. 

As hard as it is to hear, consider listening to your wife's complaints. She doesn't like you or your family for a reason. Her mom listens to her. If you listen to her, validate how she is feeling, and even consider changing a little, your wife will want to be with you. I'm going to guess she will calm down once she feels like you are on her side. 

Again, I am not in any way saying that the way she has talked to you, or your family is OK. I'm only saying she has a reason for disliking you and your family, and if you want your wife back you'll have to hear out her complaints. she needs to feel like you are on her side. 

The next step would be for you both to stop involving your in-laws.


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

ljtseng thank you for your reply. Its not that her mom is supporting her feelings just because she is with her now. From the first over phone both of them were supporting each other in all their words and actions. 

I have sat and spoke to my wife many a times very softly, have explained to her how to handle a situation, etc. I have even begged her to be normal. Whatever i say, doesnt get into her mind. But everything that her mom says goes. Every time when I climb up 8 steps in the ladder of love she pulls me down to step 1 by her words and actions in a day or two. I have told this also to her. still no use.

Ok leave alone the disrespect for my parents. What respect for me?

After she gave the phone to her mom and her mom abused me, from then I stopped calling her. Till today she has not bothered to try to call me or speak to me. She is very adamant that after all that I went through I have to call her and speak as though nothing had happened to make them feel happy and right. I did that everytime when things happened before and finally for that I had to get abused by her mother. 
This is the mail I got from her after a few months
"*
Hello!
I thought i will send you a mail just bcos i felt like sharing this..
For the first time, i felt the movements of the baby inside me yesterday..and i was very happy cum excited..
I still dont know if this is of interest to you for your careless attitude as a father- would- be and loveless disposition as a husband..
Anyway, i dont wish to complain also cos i am anxious about my feelings getting transferred to the baby and affecting the baby's growth.
But, i know just one thing..No man who claims to love his wife and decides to have a baby will be inert like this ..least bothered about the effect on his wife and consequently on the baby..I dont know what the interpretation will be ..even for this mail..Whatever..
May God guide you through! "*

1. Addressed as though to a stranger "Hello".

2. Its like just giving an information.

3.After all what she and her mom did even this mail is of accusations on me.

4. Not a single word of love in it.

Its like just because the baby is inside her, she is the only person taking everything and doing a sacrifice. Does she ever know how much I miss these precious moments and how much I feel and pray for her and for the baby. Every second my I think of them. When i see a kid or a kid store i think of this. When I see couples together I think of her. When I see a pregnant lady I think of her.

I restrained from replying to this mail of hers cos I know it will definetly make ripples again. She will write more and her own reply will affect her more than me not replying atall.

Should not a person save his self esteem and diginity, atleast a little?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chundu said:


> Its not that her mom is supporting her feelings just because she is with her now. From the first over phone both of them were supporting each other in all their words and actions.


You're missing the point. Her mom has been supporting how your wife is feeling. so your wife decided to go where she feels supported. If your wife felt supported by you, she would be with you. She is going to go where she feels supported. 



chundu said:


> I have even begged her to be normal. Whatever i say, doesnt get into her mind. But everything that her mom says goes.


You begged her to be NORMAL?!? are you serious. If my H ever said something like that to me he'd be sleeping on the couch. The comment was cruel. I'm going to guess her mom never talks to her that way.



chundu said:


> Does she ever know how much I miss these precious moments and how much I feel and pray for her and for the baby.


How is she supposed to know you miss these moments? you wont call, you dont respond when she emails you. If my H ever did that to me, i would figure he didnt care. 

Im not trying to make this all your fault. It sounds like both you and your wife are very hurt in all this. You feelings do matter, too. I can see you are very hurt by everything that has happened. and you are just trying to protect yourself and your family. but in the process of trying to protect yourself, you are losing your wife and child.

you need to listen to your wife. her email was good. she told you how she was feeling. you can choose to be selfish and not respond, or you can talk to her. there will be a time to talk about how you are feeling, but you need to respond to how your wife is feeling. you need to humble yourself and realize you have done wrong and you need to be willing to change. 

i know that ticks you off because you want her to change. if you listen to her, respond to her, then she will be more willing to hear you out.


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

Its true that anyone will feel nice with the person who supports their actions. But what about supporting things which are wrong. Since its her daughter is it ok to support her even if what she does is wrong? Is it not the duty of a mother to correct her daughter when she does any wrong? Is disrespecting the husband or the elders in the family, speaking abusive comments right? Tell me if I also have to support this ?

All my soft talks, romantic talks and kinds words or actions didnt have any effect. I was only feeling frustrated and more hurt everytime things happened again and again. It was then that I even begged her to be Normal in handling situatiions and in her talks. Whats being cruel in this? Is not pushing someone to beg to this level not cruel? With all these things she was not realising my love nor letting me love. I mean there was no time for love at all.

ljtseng, you are saying I have not humbled myself ? Infact I have humbled myself more than what I should after the way I was treated by her and her mother. I told you after she left me with her mom I even went and stayed in her house for a day. I kept calling her daily. I used to talk to her for almost and hour everyday. Still inbetween she would talk about my parents. Though I get very hurt and angry I dont show it out only for the sake of not making it a big fight. The more I humbled and the more I avoided any reaction to her talks and reasoning things only occured more frequently. Finally it went to the extent of her mom abusing me directly. I am sure ljtseng that if I act like a dumb guy with no feelings,diginity, self esteem, self respect and keep nodding my head to all what her mom asks her to do both of them will be happy. Tell me is that what I should do? I remember once when she was talking about me and my parents I didnt want to comment and so I just told her that to make things work I should be either dumb or deaf. She immediately replied that it would be better if I were dumb !

*That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. --William J. H. Boetcker*


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

I agree with most of what ljtseng has stated thus far. I still don't know both of your religions, and that might have a great deal to do with this problem. From an outsiders view you seem very analytical and "matter of fact". From reading her e-mail she was very open with her feelings, I just don't think you completely understood her writting. 
1) "Hello!" - means, where are you, I haven't heard from you, do you not care
2) If she is wondering if you are interested in what is going on with the baby within her womb, then you have not made it clear to her that you do care. That does not only include words of consideration, but also ACTIONS.
3)"Interpretation" - this is telling you that you are not understanding her feelings, you are hearing what you want to hear and making it into what ever you want it to be
I can tell that you want to be there for her and your child and that you do care. Have you really told her this? If you talked to her about the way you feel, the way you have here, then she might open the lines of communication with you.


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you very much for your post lonestarwife. 
From a third persons perspective or from a gwomens perspective all these may seem to be normal or correcct. Please understand that I am not expecting support from people here. But I am asking you all to tell me, advice me or guide me in what I am going through, doing and should do.

All the interpretations for the word "Hello"and the subsequent lines has a general meaning, which you have said. but having known my wife and mother in law and having gone through a lot of practicaal abuses on me and on my family, as a victim, I know what it means exactly. It was not like reading a mail. It was like hearing her speak these lines to me.

I have a feeling that you have not read what I had written fully or effectively. Please read it with an open mind, maybe twice and then , please, lonelystarwife write to me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

why does your wife dislike your family so much?


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

As far as I know my family and my wife liked each other very much and were going very happy. It was her mom who called her up one fine day and screwd her up by saying something. Everything started from then. I have told her not to react or interfere in problems or misunderstanding between the elders. But she doesnt listen. 

I have been nice to her mom from day one till the last day she abused me even though she was very rude towards my family. I thought that will make her happy and change her attitude towards my family. But no use.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chundu said:


> It was her mom who called her up one fine day and screwd her up by saying something. Everything started from then.


what did her mom say? what are specific examples of why your wife doesnt like your parents? can you give specific reasons?


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

My dad and her mom had some issues on the commitment she had made for the wedding. She had promised voluntarily to pay for certain things. Nothing was demanded and it was spoken and decided among elders of both the families. But once the wedding was over she went back on her commitment. To proctect her image and to prove what she was doing is right I guess she spoke to my wife about my wife. That was the begining. But that issue faded away gradually. But my wife started to talk disrespectfully to my parents even for other issues from then. 

From then on her mom and she were discussing daily issues happening in our life. There was no privacy in my life. Everything was updated on an hourly basis to her mom,privately. I used to doubt when I found my wife speaking to her mom from the kitchen when I am sitting in the bedroom or when I am taking a shower,etc.I did not mind it or take it seriously. But that itself became a serious thing at a later stage.

I had done everything for my wife.We made love almost everyday. I had given her gifts, provided all comforts. I have told her that I love her a lot. We went out on everyweekends. We used to go to the church regularly. We used to say our family prayers together. Evrything was fine. But trying to dominate or rule me doesnt work out. They want me to be the way they like and do things they want. I have done and ready to do more, but not everything, killing my didginity and self esteem.


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

The best advise I ever got before getting married was, that my family would not forgive my husband as quickly as I would. That has always stood out in my mind. If I were to tell my side of the family about something that I am not liking about my husband, that in the morning I will have forgotten it, but my family will never forget it. From what you are saying, she has given her mom too many details that need to be kept between the two of you. I am sorry, but I don't know how to help you make her understand that things between the two of you need to be kept private. Have you considered marriage counseling? It sounds like she might need a neutral mediator to better communicate with you. Hang in there and keep trying


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ok so there was a falling out over who pays what in the wedding. and her mom called your wife and told her about it. and that is when your wife started talking disrespectfully to your parents. What did your parents say to, or about, her mom? 

Has your wife said anything to you specifically about why she does not like your parents? I know she talked to her mom, but did she ever come to you and tell you why she doesnt like your parents? Can you be specific about what she said to you?


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

Her mom and her mom's brother committed on certain things when the marriage desicion was taken. After the wedding when asked, her mom started to talk things out of context to refrain from her commitment. That issue was left off by my parents with that call. My parents stopped calling her mom after that. Infact when after that incident when my parents found some change with my wife they called her and spoke to her.They told her to be asusaul and not take any issues that happens among the elders into her mind. But my wife started reacting everytime she had a chance. She has not told me anything specific about why she dislikes my parents.
Now the problem is that she doesnt respect me even. She wants me to go behind her and her mom, irrespective of what had happened.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

chundu said:


> Infact when after that incident when my parents found some change with my wife they called her and spoke to her.They told her to be as usaul and not take any issues that happens among the elders into her mind.


Ok this is making a lot more sense now. Your parents became upset with her mom over the *miscommunication* about the wedding plans. Do you know what your parents said to her mom? Apparently your wife got wind of this and of course she stood by her mom. So your parents asked your wife to stay out of it. And then you two went to live with your parents. Can you grasp why that might be uncomfortable for your wife? 



chundu said:


> She has not told me anything specific about why she dislikes my parents.


You need to talk to her about the specific reasons.


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## chundu (Feb 10, 2009)

ljtseng I could reply since I was on travel for 2 days.

The point is that her mom is very rude to everyone. The way she speaks many would not like. Infact I did not believe my Dad when he told me that she spoke very rudely when he just asked about what she had commited. But it was only later I believed my Dad when the same thing happened to me.

My wife's father was a very calm and quiet person. My wife's mom had the voice and rule. Maybe she got used to that and does this to others also. Maybe she wants everyone to accept all what she says and does.

Anyway but why does my wife have to start behaving rude to me? Why does she have to talk ill about my parents and family to me? Why she has to show her grudge, arrogance, inertness and be adamant to me?

As days pass by I feel the gap widening and the love fading. Only prayers give me hope and patience. I really love her even now. But I dont think I should let her and her mother take me for a ride cos of that. Also that I should lose my diginity and self esteem to them.


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