# How to talk about Stepdaughters inappropriate clothes



## Chris42

DW and I are in our 40's and I'm not a prude or overly conservative or anything, but I have a big issue with the way she lets her 15 & 17 year old daughters dress. I've briefly mentioned it to her a few times, but she made it clear she has no issues and I don't feel like it's my place to tell her how they should dress. I don't know how to discuss this with her as I'm clearly the only one in the house with an issue. Maybe it's just a different time and I can't relate as I have no kids of my own. 

Both girls wear yoga pants/leggings or yoga shorts/short shorts that barely cover their butt cheeks to school almost every day without a shirt or anything to cover their butts leaving nothing to the imagination. Apparently there is no dress code issue with this, and while they have to cover up a little more on top in school, they still wear skin tight and see through tops with giant padded bras that make them look like porn stars. Outside of school it's even worse with everything so tight it looks 3 sized too small, and they are already very small to start with. Bras are always showing- like completely showing with sundresses, open back shirts, tank tops, etc. SD 15 came down to get a ride to her BF's house with a too-small racerback shirt and a regular mega-padded pink leopard push up bra that was visible in front, back and everywhere else, spandex/yoga shorts that were very short and revealing and about 3 inches of stomach showing. She was going to spend the day at his house just hanging out with him and his family. I pulled DW aside for a second and asked if she was ok with that? She asked- ok with what? She had no idea what I was talking about. I was embarrassed to drop her off dressed like that. They go to pool parties (or we host them) with boys and girls where they are the only girls wearing tiny bikinis with almost thong bottoms- I just don't feel right about it- and I know what my opinion of them, and of us as parents, would be if I were one of the other kids parents. 

I have one guy friend in a similar situation with a Teen SD and he said he and his wife have the same issue. He directly tells his SD to cover up and his wife tells her to wear what she wants and to feel comfortable because she is a beautiful girl- and that if anyone has a problem with her body then they shouldn't look. Am I missing something? I do not feel comfortable telling them they are dressing too revealing as I came into their lives when it already wasn't an issue for them or their older sister. Why are Step Dads more protective than their actual Moms? Is it because we know how guys (especially high school boys) think and look at women? I'm lost- and I know it's not ultimately my concern, but I do get embarrassed if we're all out to dinner or something and the girls have everything hanging out and showing. I see this as seeking male attention, and DW just thinks they wear what they're comfortable wearing so who cares?


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## Lila

I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for OP. You said that when you brought up your concerns to your wife, she told you she didn't find wrong with her daughters clothes preference. Open and sit case. 

You did the right thing in voicing your concerns but that's about all you can do. These aren't your kids. You can't tell them how to dress. 

Otoh, if you're embarrassed to be seen in public with them, then don't go out in public with them. You can only control your behavior and as an adult, no one can force you to be in the company of someone who offends you.


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## richie33

Have their mother do all the drop offs from now on. You voiced your opinion, obviously it's not respected. Where's their father? Also if this is also your home you should have a say on what goes on it regardless if they are your children or not.


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## Chris42

Their dad plays a role in this issue too- not only did he not care what they wore or how they were perceived growing up- he continues to perpetuate what I see as an issue now. He posts pictures on social media with them wearing tiny bikinis at the beach- or wearing way too revealing clothes. He obviously doesn't care- so more reason why I shouldn't say anything if their own father doesn't think it's an issue. They are a very open family- very touchy feely- and don't see where a body is anything other than just a body- like everyone has. I was just brought up very differently- and appreciate self respect, appearance and perception. At least we don't have any kids together- because if I had a daughter I'm sure there would be strong disagreements on these types of issues.


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## EleGirl

I agree that this is your wife's issue. Surely you knew that she was like this when you married her.

Does your wife dress in a similar fashion? Does she put pictures of herself in bikinis on social media too?


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## Chris42

She doesn't dress anywhere near like she lets the girls dress, but yes- she probably does dress more revealing that I would like in certain situations (work, etc). Obviously people at the beach are going to be in bathing suits- I do think it crosses a line when it goes on social media for coworkers, family, etc to see you without clothes on. She did post pics in bikinis on social media in the past, and I've asked her not to post some of what she was going to since we've been together. We've only been married just over a year- and she has respected my requests as to certain things on social media- even though she looks at me like I'm crazy and doesn't at all understand why I wouldn't want my coworkers, employees, neighbors, random friends, etc. to see her mostly naked body in a bikini.


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## norajane

Chris42 said:


> Their dad plays a role in this issue too- not only did he not care what they wore or how they were perceived growing up- he continues to perpetuate what I see as an issue now. He posts pictures on social media with them wearing tiny bikinis at the beach- or wearing way too revealing clothes. He obviously doesn't care- so more reason why I shouldn't say anything if their own father doesn't think it's an issue. *They are a very open family- very touchy feely- and don't see where a body is anything other than just a body- like everyone has. I was just brought up very differently- and appreciate self respect, appearance and perception.* At least we don't have any kids together- because if I had a daughter I'm sure there would be strong disagreements on these types of issues.


That's the crux of the situation - your views are very different from theirs. To you, it's about values. To them, it isn't.

I get where you're coming from. One of my cousins has a lovely daughter who struggles with relationships and finding good guys to date. I see her FB pics and wonder if it's because her style and fashion choices attract certain kinds of guys, and push away the kind she wants to meet and fall in love with. I would never say so, though. It's not my place, and it seems to be what lots of young women look like these days. 



> She doesn't dress anywhere near like she lets the girls dress, but yes- she probably does dress more revealing that I would like in certain situations (work, etc).


Your wife attracted you with her revealing style of dress, so maybe her daughters aren't quite doomed.


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## Chris42

You're exactly right about it being a difference in values- I just need to adjust or disengage on this. And my wife dressing revealing was a deterrent and did make me think differently about her until I really got to know her. It was more like an "in spite of" deal with revealing dress.


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## amber74747474

Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable


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## Hopeful Cynic

It's a generational thing. The clothes your stepdaughters are wearing are normal for people their age. It's pretty much all that's available in stores marketed to that age, it's what their friends are wearing, and it's what they see as acceptable in media. At that age, fitting in is SO VERY IMPORTANT. For them to dress more conservatively would mean ostracism from their peers. I'm sure there's also an element of pushing against the limits of the dress code going on. On top of that, it's getting attention from boys, which is very important to them.

They don't have the maturity to understand yet that the way they are going about this is kind of degrading to them. Right now, they are just feeling the power that showing a little skin gives them over other people, especially men. It's a heady feeling.

Hopefully it will become less important to them over time as they develop more self-identity. You can maybe encourage that by being sure to compliment them on their qualities OTHER than appearance, such as their intelligence or kindness.

Maybe also teach them some self-defense.


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## Malpheous

Mother is ok with it.
Father is ok with it.

Let it go. 

Tough. Blunt. I know. But with both parents involved and agreeing it's no problem, then you're fighting an uphill battle in a situation where you're what's considered a 'legal stranger'. Save yourself the headache and accept that this is how it is. Then decide what you'd like to do about that.


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## jb02157

...and you wonder why rape and teen age pregnancy are such problems these days. I would expect schools wouldn't let students dress like this.


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## Malpheous

jb02157 said:


> ...and you wonder why rape and teen age pregnancy are such problems these days. I would expect schools wouldn't let students dress like this.


No. Just no. By that I mean.... No.

Rape and Teen pregnancy are both a product of consent, not a clothing choice.

*Rape* - The lack of consent.
*Teen Pregnancy* - A pair of people consenting to and participating in something they should not.


Anything else is placing blame on a victim. How many times do people have to repeat that the clothes one wears does not mean they give consent? Do you assume that all Hooters employees have given you consent to have sex with them because of how they dress at work? 

I encourage you to watch this video about consent to better understand it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU


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## john117

They will outgrow it by college. My older girl (a Eurasian 3/4 scale Kim Kardashian lookalike ) had lots of fights with her mom about this. By college she started dressing far more appropriately and in grad school she's decidedly low key...

It's also a sign they may be hanging out with the wrong crowd...


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## NextTimeAround

It might be interesting the kind of mixed messages that your step daughters are receiving.

My mother told me that Idressed frumpy. But looking at the whole of our relationship, my feeling is that whatever I did, she would tell me in some kind of way that I was wrong. Any kind of games like that going on between your wife and her two daughters?

The problem these days is that to tell young women that what's on the outside DOES count is like preaching blasphemy. Remember there are a lot of feminists around who will tell you that even a woman running down the street naked is still not asking for it. 

Yes, that's true, but let's not encourage THAT kind of behavior.

What I try to tell young women when they are listening, is that, if you don't like the behavior of others toward you, think about what you can do to change it (before going completely cold on that person).

The problem that I find IRL and on message boards is that young "don't give a rat's ass" about what others think. Or whatever the latest expression is.

Good luck in what you choose to do.


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## Hopeful Cynic

It's completely true that women who dress like sex objects are not asking to be raped.

It's also completely true that there's still something wrong with society when women only feel valued when they dress as sex objects.


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## unbelievable

Chris42 said:


> She doesn't dress anywhere near like she lets the girls dress, but yes- she probably does dress more revealing that I would like in certain situations (work, etc). Obviously people at the beach are going to be in bathing suits- I do think it crosses a line when it goes on social media for coworkers, family, etc to see you without clothes on. She did post pics in bikinis on social media in the past, and I've asked her not to post some of what she was going to since we've been together. We've only been married just over a year- and she has respected my requests as to certain things on social media- even though she looks at me like I'm crazy and doesn't at all understand why I wouldn't want my coworkers, employees, neighbors, random friends, etc. to see her mostly naked body in a bikini.


I believe this is the basic problem here. Lots of men rather like immodest women to date or to marry but those women either are or become mothers and their values regarding modesty will be passed to their daughters. In summary, if you don't want your daughter or stepdaughter dressing like a hoochie mama, don't date or marry a woman who dresses like one. If you want your daughter to dress and act modestly, marry a modest woman.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Chris42 said:


> DW and I are in our 40's and I'm not a prude or overly conservative or anything, but I have a big issue with the way she lets her 15 & 17 year old daughters dress. I've briefly mentioned it to her a few times, but she made it clear she has no issues and I don't feel like it's my place to tell her how they should dress. I don't know how to discuss this with her as I'm clearly the only one in the house with an issue. Maybe it's just a different time and I can't relate as I have no kids of my own.


Some women have an inability to distinguish between their current individuality and personal responsibility, and that of others, especially their daughters. They literally live the life they want through their daughters actions and physical looks.
See similar things with the behaviors and hormone sync'ing.

When daughter leaves home it will be even more serious as the mothers/teachers mirror neurons will not have a young person to culturally adapt to. This will also be why it is impossible for you to teach discipline or reason to your _three_ dependents , they want to be young, attractive, wanted by influential people and appreciated by large numbers, a have fun (notice did not say "safe", "providing for themselves", reasonable, thinking of their future, honest) and the modern cultural is built on the profits from commercial interests ripping them off and providing what they want over what they should be doing - but for some reason they don't feel that's their responsibility (as long as they're having fun, or getting what they want). Welcome to instant gratification. They don't expect to be held to the consequences of their actions - or to have to think about them - that's "a man's world". If you seek to put your mans' world on them they will (a) reject it, (b) deny and reject the need for it. After all if you won't provide, someone else is bound too, because they are desireable and popular - these are good things for a woman - as you partner wants, and thus lives, through her daughters.

Just make sure your assets are well protected - because that's your only real value to them. and when you aren't making them happy or providing wealth, you will be gone.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Chris42 said:


> She doesn't dress anywhere near like she lets the girls dress, but yes- she probably does dress more revealing that I would like in certain situations (work, etc). Obviously people at the beach are going to be in bathing suits- I do think it crosses a line when it goes on social media for coworkers, family, etc to see you without clothes on. She did post pics in bikinis on social media in the past, and I've asked her not to post some of what she was going to since we've been together. We've only been married just over a year- and she has respected my requests as to certain things on social media- even though she looks at me like I'm crazy and doesn't at all understand why I wouldn't want my coworkers, employees, neighbors, random friends, etc. to see her mostly naked body in a bikini.


Very likely she isn't that brave, or has been body shamed/told it is inappropriate to dress like that - but in raising her daughters, she gets to set the rules - and if she dopes what makes the daughters get attention then the daughters will give her favourable feedback that she craves, and they will be her friends and supporters. Much easier than having to discipline them with unpopular things, and their popularity can be used to confirm her "success" as a mother.

Being appreciated, having attention paid to them, affecting others as a powertrip (like having others stare at them, or creating disturbance) are all power plays for importance. Thus these things make the daughters feel socially superior, and thus the mother feels powerful in the pecking order.

Realise that _this_ is the cultural you are currently living in - that is the woman's world - heirarchy, pecking order, who has who's friend, celebrity names and gossip, who gets the attention, who can create the greatest social impact.

They are playing the game correctly, there is no evolutionary future in that cultural paradigm for them to appreciate of think about - only the matter of consolidating that social position.

Your input is not constructive or helpful to that end. why would they listen to you? (and again the mother's success is recognised through the success of her daughters, bear that in mind to)


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## Woodchuck

Chris42 said:


> She doesn't dress anywhere near like she lets the girls dress, but yes- she probably does dress more revealing that I would like in certain situations (work, etc). Obviously people at the beach are going to be in bathing suits- I do think it crosses a line when it goes on social media for coworkers, family, etc to see you without clothes on. She did post pics in bikinis on social media in the past, and I've asked her not to post some of what she was going to since we've been together. We've only been married just over a year- and she has respected my requests as to certain things on social media- even though she looks at me like I'm crazy and doesn't at all understand why I wouldn't want my coworkers, employees, neighbors, random friends, etc. to see her mostly naked body in a bikini.


Write out a contract that WHEN they get pregnant, your wife and their dad will raise the grandkids out of their own pockets....


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## NobodySpecial

Bikinis are what people wear for swim suits. If Dad is going swimming with his daughters, should he be dressing them in burkas before taking pictures? Better make sure they don't wear comfortable clothes like yoga pants because some young man might not realize that his own urges are HIS responsibility. Girls are lucky to have a step dad like you.


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## turnera

The best thing I can think to do is look for situations for conversation with the girls, in non-lecturing situations, where you can bring up your beliefs and maybe some instances in how they might fare better in life by dressing more conservatively. Like maybe what it's like from a male's perspective when males see girls with all that skin, and what they think about those girls. Like what it was like when you were in high school, things you heard other boys say about girls, what they considered those girls to be willing to do, how they saw the girls just as sex objects, to screw and dump and move on...whatever your real-life experiences were.

I presume they're both on birth control, right?


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