# sex after an affair



## Feelinglonely76 (May 9, 2012)

I found out that my wife had an affair about 6 months ago and my w ended up telling me everything. We agreed to go to therapy which has helped a lot. I understand that part of the reason for the affair was that I was very absent when our children were really little and I was not there for her for a long time. I also let myself slip physically. After her affair I have changed a lot of things about myself that she has told me was reallyoff putting to her. I lost 25 pounds paid more attention to our children etc. We truly love each other but now the sex is just not there. She told me she thinks I'm hot and I turn her on but she is not attracted to me as she used to be. I'm going insane because even after everything that has happened Iam madly in love with her. She says she needs time to find her way back but I'm not sure how much more I can stand. She has always been uncomfortable with her own body even though she is a knockout. I know its not her sexdrive that's the issue , cause she tells me that she masturbates regularly and that she's def in her sexual peak. That does not make it any easier. She has even told me that I would probably be happier with someone else that can give me what she can't but I only want her ever since the day I met her 11 years ago. I just don't know what to do anymore and need some advice.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, she needs to stop getting herself off. That's quick and easy and requires her to put ZERO effort into the relationship.

I think however, the real problem here is that you didn't deal with the real reason she cheated - or give her consequences for cheating. Instead you FIXED YOU. The problem is that she didn't FIX HER. She is the one that is so morally and emotionally broken that she chose to cheat. 

Her affair showed that she didn't value you or respect you. Your reaction to the affair - accepting the blame and fixing you - just reinforced to her that she was justified in the affair. Since the consequences of the affair where borne by you and not her.

What has she actually done to earn a chance to stay married to you?

It sounds like you're the one doing all the work here, and chasing her. She's lost respect and love for you. She doesn't see you as worthy of her passion or work. 

Have you tried reading the Married Man's Sex Life ? It might help you define the relationship you've got with her, and make her actually work at the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also are you sure the affair is really over and that they aren't still in contact?


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## Feelinglonely76 (May 9, 2012)

I know the affair is over and she is working on her issues as well. I know I pushed her away before this happened and she has told me that she wanted to get a divorce before we went on a trip together where she realized that she truly loved me. We are making progress in our relationship its just that the sex is not there. I L look at her and it kills me that she has little or no interest in sex with me.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Read the book I referenced. It might help you stir her.
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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> "She told me she thinks I'm hot and I turn her on but she is not attracted to me as she used to be."
> 
> "She has even told me that I would probably be happier with someone else that can give me what she can't"
> 
> ...


Yeah! something is not right with what she is saying, and with her actions.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I agree with the above posts. There are many possibilities to why this is occurring. Yes, the masturbation should be out. Is she fantasying about another. That can hinder the physical reconnecting. The spouse who has committed the betrayal may have trouble reconnecting on a sexual level because sex with the OP may have been more pleasurable. I can't say this is the situation, only your spouse. Guilt and low esteem about the affair with the OP may also hinder this reconnecting. Similar to my own story, after I suspected my wife of an affair, we have the quantity of sex, but the quality is not there. Something changed. I am well within the range of average size, somewhat more actually, which in my case has lead me to believe she was with someone who was of substantial size. In essence, he was able to give her more pleasure. Once you have 'better' the standard that used to be 'good' may not be enough. This is in my situation, and not to be applied to your case in any way, but maybe further conversation with your spouse may be warranted. Good luck and I hope you regain what you are looking for.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she mad at you for catching her.

stop chasing her and demand some sorta of change.

she is being extreamly cold. did she come to you before her affair and comunicate that she was unhappy?

you need to put your foot down or shes going to continue to walk all over you. 

I think she prob still cheating .

cheating is not your fault she is a decieving bi*ch and your just taking it.


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## Feelinglonely76 (May 9, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

Let me tell you what I have told my WS, she has had self esteem issues etc, also wouldn't initiate that sort of thing but if she could have an affiar and show another man her body, send naked pic texts to others then she doesn't seem to be inhibited or have a problem with her body then she shouldn't be that way with me. No exceptions.
Also for a man sex is a bonding experience, it is for a woman as well but more for a man (my opinion ) it brings us closer to them as well as the whole women giving themselves to us (submission is probably a bad choice of words) .
Not to mention hysterical bonding which happens a lot after an affair you need that to reconnect and ignite the passion that was there hopefully when you first got together.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*No More Mr Nice Guy* and *Married Man's Sex Life*.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Feelinglonely76 said:


> I know the affair is over and she is working on her issues as well.
> *How do you know that. Because she told you? You really need to stop accepting blame for this. You have no blame in her having an affair. You may be responsible for some the issues in your marriage ; but, the affair is 100% on her. As stated above, you need to make sure she has consequences, she neeeds to stop the self gratification and move back into the relationshp and you need to man up *
> 
> [/i][/size]


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

My ex-wife had several affairs, mostly emotional affairs, but also some physical. When it comes to emotional affairs, I couldn't even count how many it was to be honest, she had a very serious problem.

She also used to say a lot that I should find someone else who would give me what I wanted and I was the one always trying to do things to improve. 

Ethusiasm.

That word is the key to everything in a marriage. It's not just in sex, it's in life and it's in a marriage. If your wife wants things to work then she should be trying hard and showing enthusiasm towards positive ideas and showing a lot of effort to make things better. Step back from your heart for a second and do your best to objectively think about this question; does my wife show enthusiasm in trying to get our marriage to work to its fullest potential?

I think the answer to that is likely your clue as what to do.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Feelinglonely76;734851
She told me she thinks I'm hot and I turn her on but she is not attracted to me as she used to be.[/QUOTE said:


> :scratchhead:What kind of a mixed message is that?


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