# Is this ever easy?



## confusedinsc (Oct 8, 2013)

Do we always want to blame the other for everything that went wrong? I'm so tired of the going back and forth and blaming each other. I know I was not perfect but in his eyes my wrongs were so much bigger then his and I've ruined his life and taken everything away. We lost everything because we lived above our means for years and when the economy went bust we went bust. Now he's blaming me for ruining his life and taking away everything he's ever worked for. Will there ever be a day that we can get along? We have two kids who don't deserve this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> Do we always want to blame the other for everything that went wrong?


Yes it's called blame shifting and it's an epidemic.



> Will there ever be a day that we can get along?


I wouldn't count on it.



> We have two kids who don't deserve this.


You don't deserve it either. And to answer your question is this ever easy?

No.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You don't deserve it either. And to answer your question is this ever easy?
> 
> No.


Should it be?

No.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

confusedinsc said:


> Do we always want to blame the other for everything that went wrong? I'm so tired of the going back and forth and blaming each other. I know I was not perfect but in his eyes my wrongs were so much bigger then his and I've ruined his life and taken everything away. We lost everything because we lived above our means for years and when the economy went bust we went bust. Now he's blaming me for ruining his life and taking away everything he's ever worked for. Will there ever be a day that we can get along? We have two kids who don't deserve this.


How old are you?

How old is he?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Should it be?
> 
> No.


Its wishful, magical thinking to get divorced and be 'friends' for the sake of the kids.

A few people manage it but I don't think that's the norm.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I think it will get easier.
My husband blamed me for changing him into someone he didn't like or recognized.
He is much happier now,
He can be outgoing, social, playful, everything he had to change for me. 
I think that right now both of your emotions are very new and raw, it will take time to let go and see things rationally.
I loved (still do sometimes) my stbxh even though of all the unhappiness we cause each other.
I don't know how long you two were married, but it takes a while for
the memories you two forged together to be just memories and not
painful reminders of what you two shared.

Good luck


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

confusedinsc said:


> Do we always want to blame the other for everything that went wrong? I'm so tired of the going back and forth and blaming each other. I know I was not perfect but in his eyes my wrongs were so much bigger then his and I've ruined his life and taken everything away. We lost everything because we lived above our means for years and when the economy went bust we went bust. Now he's blaming me for ruining his life and taking away everything he's ever worked for. Will there ever be a day that we can get along? We have two kids who don't deserve this.


Hello from a South Carolinian 

I myself is going through a separation, 4 months in, with no contact at all. SHe has wrote a 3 page letter to her lawyer about all the bad in the marriage and not one good thing about it. I will not stoop to that level of playing the immature game with this separation.

My issue was communication with her and lack of affection. I will learn from that and hope that she is willing to work on it and reconcile. If not I will be in better shape for the next girl.

We may lose our house due to the bankruptcy that I am going to file shortly. The lawyers are trying to get us to file jointly but I have not heard anything from them.

I would take the blame out of your issues and start working on yourself. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Someone on the board told me to do that and I have stuck to it. 

I have just sat back and let the lawyers talk it out and let her place all the blame that she wants but in the end I know that I have exhausted all resources to save my marriage.

Hope this helps!!


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## confusedinsc (Oct 8, 2013)

Conrad said:


> How old are you?
> 
> How old is he?


He's 51 and I'm 46.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

He is playing the victim. It's sad. Until he takes responsibility for himself and his emotions he will always be at the mercy of the people around him. 

Nobody can "make" you feel a certain way. We are each responsible for our emotions. That means we always have a choice about how we respond to any given situation. 

I don't know if the situation gets easier but as time goes by it's not as difficult to deal with. Maybe because we become stronger. I'm 3 years into the ILYBINILWY, divorce coming through any day now, and I still have bad days. My situation is complicated because I work with my ex, but I promise you, there are better days ahead!


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

I forgot to mention, I'm still at the point where I blame him fully. Not for the problems in the marriage but for the fact that he did nothing to try to save the marriage. I think I will always blame him for that because he never warned me how his feelings were changing. It was one day "I love you" and the next day "I don't".


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

he is responsible for 50% of the problems but you are 189289743% responsible for all your affairs. and for the record affairs are the worst thing in a marriage ever. if you were not happy leave not crush the heart and soul of your husband. i know he wasnt a saint (so far from it its scary).


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## confusedinsc (Oct 8, 2013)

terrence4159 I have taken full responsibility for my affairs. I know it was wrong. I was in therapy for over 8 months after them. Tried MC with my husband but the therapist wouldn't see us together after a few sessions because my husband literally would not see where he was wrong in any way and that my crimes were so much more than his. He went to two individual sessions and quit because he didn't like the therapist. Meaning he didn't like what he was hearing. And I wouldn't say that affairs are the worst thing for a marriage. There is nothing more degrading than having your husband pound you in the face in front of your kids because he's mad at someone else. Yes, my affairs were wrong but not more wrong than his actions. So you can't say affairs are the worth thing ever. That's just not true. There are other ways of betrayal.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

I agree with you confusedinsc. An affair is between the adults, the kind of abuse you mentioned, includes the kids, which is just so much more difficult. The poor, little things just can't understand. 

I so admire your strength! You put yourself right out there and invited all comments. Not to mention, you've taken responsibility for your actions. Thanks for sharing


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