# Marriage Help



## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi everyone, its my first time on this site. I just really need help and advice. I'm 21, kind of young I know, but believe me I'm much more mature than my years. Anyway, I'm married and I have a 4mo old daughter, my first. My husband is 22. We've been married 1 yr and 6mos. So, I'm very introverted, I'm quiet, I'm not good with crowds, that being said I'm also incredibly strong willed, I'm passionate about my beliefs, I'm a very strong person. My husband and I clash constantly. Our main problem areas are:

1. Sex
2. My daughter
3. Communication

not necessarily in that order. My husband wants sex all the time, the problem is I can't help but reflect on what cruel thing he's said to me, or that he didn't listen to me on this occasion. I like sex, but our constant arguing kills my attraction for my husband. He says I'm being vengeful, but I can't help how I feel. 

About my daughter, I love her so much. I love her more than anything, would do anything for her, and she's me and my husbands first, and possibly only, child. The issue with this is I hate the way he treats her. I don't understand him. When I wake up I'm excited to see my daughter, I relish holding her, if I go some where without her, I can't wait to see her when I get home. I read her stories and play with her. My husband yells at her, when he picks her up he lets her head hang. He lets her scream and cry, he tells her that he knows what shes doing and she's fooling me. He gets off of work at around five thirty. By then I've fed her breakfast and lunch, and cleaned her ears twice (she got her ears pierced and they have to be cleaned 3x a day), If I tell him its his turn to feed her and clean her ears he gets upset! If she cries in the middle of the night and I ask him to get her so I can feed her and gets upset and refuses. He doesn't want to take her any where, he'll barely watch her. Do you see where I'm going? He says I baby her, newsflash: shes a baby! He says I don't give him enough credit. He says he's tired, I'm TIRED!!! I take care of her all day, cook, clean, bathe her, dress her, change her. 

As far as communication goes, we don't agree on anything! He's traditional minded while I am very liberal. I believe in equality, I believe in having my own last name. I want to work, I refuse to cook and clean for him when he can do it himself. I refuse to cater to him. 

Please help me, I need all the advice I can get!


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I am not going to vote... I don't think anonymous people on the web should have any part in determining your fate.

That said, I will offer this. Although you state you are much more mature than your age suggests, I see two people who aren't really ready to offer each other what it takes to have a successful marriage.

Both of you are still growing as adults. Communication is the key to any type of success. Your husband appears to not want the 'hassle' of caring for your child at this point. I don't think he understands what his role is in raising your child. 

Counseling is a must.. and both of you need to understand that you must 'bend, but don't break' when it comes to the give and take REQUIRED for a successful relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you say saying that all you do all day is to take care of your child? You do nothing about cleaning the house, cooking, shopping chores, etc.? You expect your husband to work all day and then come home and do 50%?


Your husband works to support you and your child, right?

You need to work the same number of hours he puts into commuting to work and on the job.

So when you are home you care for your daughter, clean the house, do the cooking, etc. That's what a SAHP (stay at home parent) does.


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice. Let me clarify some things: I'm only recently a SAHP. I'm not used to not working and I plan to go back. I only stopped working to have my daughter and breast feed her for a few months. My husband doesn't even think I should go back to work, but that doesn't work for me. Yes, I think my husband should still do 50% of the housework, caring for a child is work isn't it? It that's the case maybe I should just be a single parent since I'm doing all the work any way? 

I know you're right about men handling children differently. I don't understand how he can look at her and not want to hug her, or kiss her, or make her smile. I try to leave her alone with him but he gets upset, says he's tired. He won't take her with him anywhere. And I'm a little afraid to leave them together for too long. I hear her screaming and I wonder what is he doing to her? I know I kind of paranoid about this. I'm a new mom. My nerves are crazy. 

I don't know, maybe marriage just isn't for me. I don't understand going the extra mile for someone who won't even do the little things. I should make him happy despite myself, my values?

I don't know if this can work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

niamarielove said:


> Thanks for all the advice. Let me clarify some things: I'm only recently a SAHP. I'm not used to not working and I plan to go back. I only stopped working to have my daughter and breast feed her for a few months. My husband doesn't even think I should go back to work, but that doesn't work for me. Yes, I think my husband should still do 50% of the housework, caring for a child is work isn't it? It that's the case maybe I should just be a single parent since I'm doing all the work any way?


In the first few weeks after delivery, then you should concentrate on you healing and your baby. But as time goes on so does life. By now it’s reasonable for you to start doing things other than caring for your baby. Babies sleep a lot of the time. Plus babies can be put in swings, play pens, etc. while their mother does house work and cook. 

From here on out, as long as you are at home, you should be able to care for your baby, clean house, do the grocery shopping, cook, etc. What do you think SAHM’s do? That’s what they do.



niamarielove said:


> I know you're right about men handling children differently. I don't understand how he can look at her and not want to hug her, or kiss her, or make her smile. I try to leave her alone with him but he gets upset, says he's tired. He won't take her with him anywhere. And I'm a little afraid to leave them together for too long. I hear her screaming and I wonder what is he doing to her? I know I kind of paranoid about this. I'm a new mom. My nerves are crazy.
> 
> I don't know, maybe marriage just isn't for me. I don't understand going the extra mile for someone who won't even do the little things. I should make him happy despite myself, my values?
> 
> I don't know if this can work.


I think that the two of you would benefit for MC. Your expectations of marriage are not really very mature. His expectations of how to interact with a child are just about non-existent. You both need a lot of help.


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

We didn't take any parenting classes, just marital. I don't know, being a parent came so easily to me, I don't understand why he doesn't seem to treat her the same way I do. I guess that's the difference between the sexes huh?


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

That doesn't seem fair to me. When he gets off work he doesn't just get to go to sleep and await the next day. That's not how parenting works, there are going to be sleepless nights, there are diaper changes , and screaming, and exhaustion. I should handle all of that by myself because I don't currently have a job now? If that is truly what it means to be a SAHP then sign me up for the next job fair.

Are you a SAHP?


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

That sounds like get a divorce to me. And what better time to offer a poll than to impartial strangers who can see the things I can not? Also, we're in marriage counseling. 

I think that with someone he'd be great, I'm a very strong person with very strong beliefs. Maybe it's too much to ask a 22yo who's been taught a certain way all his life?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nia,

Have you been checked for Postpartum Depression?

It does sound like you're obsessing over the baby a bit.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Nia,
> 
> Have you been checked for Postpartum Depression?
> 
> It does sound like you're obsessing over the baby a bit.


I'm sorry but you really seem like a selfish wife. I wonder why you even got married. It also appears like you were raised with feminist ideals and perhaps your H is just not having it? What in the world were you taught in premarital? Do you realize that above all your H needs/wants your respect. Oh yes and lots of sex too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

niamarielove said:


> That doesn't seem fair to me. When he gets off work he doesn't just get to go to sleep and await the next day. That's not how parenting works, there are going to be sleepless nights, there are diaper changes , and screaming, and exhaustion. I should handle all of that by myself because I don't currently have a job now? If that is truly what it means to be a SAHP then sign me up for the next job fair.


You are right that he does not get to just go to sleep when he gets home from work.
This is more detail on how it should work in a marriage.
If both spouses are working fulltime. They split all house work, yard work and child care 50/50 when they are off work. 

If one works outside the home and one is a SAHP then then they both work the same # of hours.
Let’s say that the spouse who works full time works 8 hours a day and spends 1 hour commuting. That’s a 9 hour day.
The SAHP takes care of the child(ren), does housework, cooking, shopping, etc for 9 hours a day. That should be enough in most households to keep a clean home, grocery shopping, workout for the SHAP, have meals mostly cooked, parent children to include taking them to do fun and educational activities. 
Then when the non-SAHP comes home they share whatever is left over 50/50. So giving baby bath before bed, feeding baby dinner, cleaning up dishes after work, etc.

Remember that right now yoru husband is working at least half the time he’s at work to support you and your baby. You saying that you will only watch the baby when you are alone and not do the other things expected of a SAHP parent would be the same as him saying that he will keep all the money he earns for himself. After all why should he work 50% of his work day for you? Is he your slave?

You both seem to have the attitude that the other owes you something or that you will not do things for each other. What is the purpose of being married with that attitude? When a person is married they need to be focused on what is the greater good for the family (the community that is their family). A person should be focused on making sure that their spouse gets what he/she wants in life. This of what it would be like if each of you were focused on making the other happy and giving to the other.
Instead the too of you are afraid that you might give one ounce more to the other.

I don’t intend this in a mean way, but neither of you are mature enough to be married or to have a child, like many others who marry and have children before they are mature enough. Most divorces occur between young couples for exactly this reason. Women who marry before 25 and men before 30 are very likely to end up divorced. You see why now, maybe.

What your goal needs to be when your husband comes home is for quality time with all 3 of your as family. Then once your child is asleep, the 2 of you need to spend time together as a couple. It takes spending at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things you enjoy together to maintain the love and passion in your relationship. It sounds like this is not happening so anger is all you have now.


niamarielove said:


> Are you a SAHP?


I was a SAHP for a while. I’ve been a single mom. And I have been a mom, step-mom and the breadwinner for many years now. So I’ve seen this from every angle.

When I was a SAHM I did all the house and yard work, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and chores. I often also took care of other children as a day care (two boys) so that my son had play mates. Almost every afternoon I took my son and often friends to places like Museums, movies, skating rinks, to swim and everything else fun and educational I could find. I walked 4 miles a day for work every day as well. I loved being a SAHM. I was also on the board for my son’s private school. 

My husband seldom had to do anything to help out ‘cause there just was not that much work to do. He did love spending time with our son. So at night his dad would do things with him. It there was something to do I would ask him to help, but really there was not much to do. IT only took about 2 hours a day to complete clean the house.

So I know that this is very doable and very reasonable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> I'm sorry but you really seem like a selfish wife. I wonder why you even got married. It also appears like you were raised with feminist ideals and perhaps your H is just not having it? What in the world were you taught in premarital? Do you realize that above all your H needs/wants your respect. Oh yes and lots of sex too.


What she has said that sounds 'feminist' is not really 'feminist'. It's just nonsense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

niamarielove said:


> As far as communication goes, we don't agree on anything! He's traditional minded while I am very liberal. I believe in equality,


What does your husband not believe about equality? Does you believe that you should be not able to vote? Does he believe that you should not be paid equally? What does not want to take away from you in the way of equality?


niamarielove said:


> I believe in having my own last name.


It sounds like both of here were raised differently and you are both hard headed about your posts of view. Compromise is a good thing.

So you want your own last name, I mean your father’s last name. And you want you to take his last name? 

I’ve always used Ele MaidenName-HubandsName I did that because it’s a tradition in my family. The women in my family have used this type of name for centuries. Why? Because in Europe, who their father was, was every bit as important as who their husband’s family was. When I married I already had a career, publications under my name, etc. I did not want to change my name completely and lose my personal history. But I wanted the same last name for my newly formed family and my children. So I used both names.

Maybe you could make both yourself and your husband happy by using both names. 



niamarielove said:


> I want to work,


Is he stopping you from working?


niamarielove said:


> I refuse to cook and clean for him when he can do it himself. I refuse to cater to him.


Ok you refuse to cook and clean while you are a SHAM. 

So does that mean that he should stop being traditional and stop supporting you while you don’t work?

It might help for you to take a look at both the traditional and the “liberal” (women’s equality and rights are not ‘liberal’ in the modern sense of the word). Take the good from each. Take the parts that work for you.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I am a sahm. Yes I do all of the cleaning, shopping, most cooking, almost all childcare. What kind of support do you and your husband have? Moms used to have grandmas, aunts, cousins and friends to help them out

I didn't have that with my first child. I went from working full time to full time mom. It was overwhelming at first. I had to build a whole network of support from scratch. I joined mommy and me groups through community and my church. I started a mommy group in my neighborhood, which morphed into a babysitting swapping group. I found preteen girls who I paid minimal money to watch the baby while I took a nap or bubble bath. 

I learned to to cook with a crockpot and how to do OAMC(once a month cooking). I put my husband in charge of scheduling "us time".(AKA dates and sexy time) My husband does watch the kids while I clean the kitchen. We took turns putting the kids to bed. 

My husband was not the greatest with infants, but once they were crawling and walking he was fabulous. Not everyone is comfortable with infants. Remember infants grow this isn't forever, take one day at a time and problem solve together.

Do not look for your husband to fulfill every need you have, that's not really possible and ends up with two resentful, exhausted spouses.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The idea of play groups is a very good one. Take a look at Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup

IN my ares that site has a lot of mom and child play groups to chose from.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I knew it was time for a change when the highlight of the day was the mail showing up! I don't think the op is selfish, that is a little harsh. I know I was desperate for help and it took a few months for me to realize that my husband was not the one I should have been asking. When you are overwhelmed it is hard think straight. Now just get out there and build that parenting support group that will help with babysitting, carpooling, venting, and whatever it is that you need to keep you and your family happy. Divorce will not help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Giro flee said:


> I knew it was time for a change when the highlight of the day was the mail showing up! I don't think the op is selfish, that is a little harsh. I know I was desperate for help and it took a few months for me to realize that my husband was not the one I should have been asking. When you are overwhelmed it is hard think straight. Now just get out there and build that parenting support group that will help with babysitting, carpooling, venting, and whatever it is that you need to keep you and your family happy. *Divorce will not help.*


:iagree:


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

You guys are very young. 

You are both a bit young for a baby..but too late for that..

..just dont have another one! I have a buddy and a sister in law who each had TWO kids with a the wrong partner..and they knew that after the first kid UGH!

Make sure you are using some sort of BC now....condoms for the week before and after your ovulation are perhaps the least likely to have a negative effect on your sex drive...too many stories on here about OCP's and IUD's killing female drive...we dont want you saying your H is asking for sex all the time and you DONT have any interest at all anymore. 

He is going to work to support the family..that is acting fatherly...but he seems to lack affection for the baby..that is a bummer..I can see how that would worry you...when my daughter was a baby I went to work every day AND I got up and night and fed her and had her sleep on my chest.....I wanted her to sleep with or near to us..my wife wanted her out of the bed ASAP. 

If you are home you should do the cleaning to the best of your ability and cooking to the best of your ability. 

Yes he should also be doing his share. 

If you go back to work, get a housekeeper for at least a few hours a week to do the heavy cleaning like bathrooms...extra laundry..windows.....it will be worth it for both of you and give you more time.

You should not get a divorce, no. The first year with a new baby is tough for many marriages....was for mine for reasons that I think are totally different than I worry about now 12 years later....

You guys need therapy to communicate, define responsibilities and reasonable expectations of each other..

New marriage and new baby all at once at your ages too..whew....


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Also he COULD be jealous of the baby....he used to have you all to himself and he must have liked that..you guys must have been seriously in love to get married so young and so quickly. Use that to be strong and get on track with each other.


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## niamarielove (Mar 28, 2013)

Maybe you're right, I guess I was expecting too much. You're all experienced so I guess you would know and I take your advice to heart. My husband isn't a bad person, he just doesn't do as much as I thought he should. But my way isn't always the right way. I can try to give this SAHM business another try until I start to work again. Thank you for your advice.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

I've been reading this site for a few months now, and your post is the first one to compel me to register and write.

I relate to you, Nia. I relate to your story. I have totally lived that situation.

I guess what I have to offer is the cautionary tale. The "Don't Let This Happen To You" side of it.

You were me six years ago. Now, my husband and I are in marriage counseling trying to unravel years of living in a bitter and resentful marriage where we both felt abandoned by the other.

My husband barely touched our son the whole first year and a half of his life. I did everything (including work from home, but I did have a babysitter for that), and when I'd ask for support, I got none. On his part, he felt like I pushed him away, that once the baby was born I completely shut him out of the equation, that he no longer mattered to me. 

I have no answers for you except to tell you what I have learned in trying to work out my own problems in this area:

I've talked to many other moms who noticed that when their kids were babies, their husbands were not tuned in to that frequency. When a baby hits about 1.5 years of age, s/he becomes more interactive, responsive, and that's when a lot of Dads wake up and go, Wow! This is pretty cool!

Our son is now almost 7 and he and his Dad have a really loving and fun relationship. And as my son has grown and become more independent, I haven't had to be so hands-on, and my husband has gained tons more confidence with caring for him. It does get better.

So, if I could go back and give myself advice it would be to hold tight through the tough months/years, and just find ways to include my husband, to bring him into the equation in small ways that he could have felt comfortable with and feel proud of. Small spurts of family time, Daddy bonding time, time to just enjoy our little family with no expectations attached. I never enjoyed us as a young family. I always just saw ways in which my husband was letting me down. 

I wish I had made more of an attempt to find support in other moms and friends. Instead, I got stuck in a spiral of expectation and disappointment. Waiting for him to step up to the plate and support me and then hating him for disappointing me.

Would have, could have, should have. Listen to me. My husband and I are now truly messed up. We have many, many other problems that I'm only just beginning to open my eyes to, and let me tell you, it hurts. But you've only just begun your lives together! Read this forum, find books, learn, grow! You haven't yet made the mistakes I have!

And now for the punchline - I was 40 when I gave birth, my husband 41. So, apparently, it doesn't matter how old you are (or aren't), Nia.

But I totally hear you, and I know how you feel. But if you really do trust in your heart that you have a good and honorable partner in your husband, then it's worth it to let go, loosen up a little bit and give him space to discover how to be a Dad in his own right, and just accept and appreciate it for what it is. And don't believe for a minute that I think it's easy advice - as I type it I know that I myself haven't fully come to grips with it, but I'm trying so, so hard.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

niamarielove said:


> So, I'm very introverted, I'm quiet, I'm not good with crowds, that being said I'm also incredibly strong willed, I'm passionate about my beliefs, I'm a very strong person. My husband and I clash constantly. Our main problem areas are:
> 
> 1. Sex
> 2. My daughter
> ...


 How much sex is he wanting and how much is he GETTING? This is a cycle here...because a MAN is going to be highly frustrated when he is antsy wanting sex from his wife and feeling she is rejecting him, and doesn't understand his need. Then you are upset because HE is Cross with the baby.

Don't make the mistake so many parents do (including myself) , putting our babies before our husband. A husband needs time with his wife.. it's very important to keep the emotional connection. Sex is one way to do this...15 minutes of your time could mean a great deal in his happiness...as a start on your end. It is a man's #1 emotional need, even if you can't understand it right now or feel it yourself. 



> About my daughter, I love her so much. I love her more than anything, would do anything for her, and she's me and my husbands first, and possibly only, child. The issue with this is I hate the way he treats her. I don't understand him. When I wake up I'm excited to see my daughter, I relish holding her, if I go some where without her, I can't wait to see her when I get home. I read her stories and play with her. My husband yells at her, when he picks her up he lets her head hang. He lets her scream and cry, he tells her that he knows what shes doing and she's fooling me. He gets off of work at around five thirty.


 A man needs to relax when he comes home after work a little , after the rat race. It would be a tremendous amount of pressure on him to EXPECT him to cook his own meals and clean the house ....in fact this is insanity if you are a SAHM....you need to organize your time better...learn Multitasking. 
Heck, I'd have something in the over, clothes in the washer, a baby bottle propped in a stroller (didn't breastfeed), while another was in a swing ....talking on speakerphone to a friend -while preparing a desert ....so much you can do all at the same time really. Multitasking can save your life & sanity, women are generally pretty good at it. 

Unfortunately breast feeding can lower your sex drive -this should he coming to a close though.. Read how it affects your hormones >>

Don't Want Sex While Breastfeeding? 5 Reasons For Low Libido When Nursing 




> As far as communication goes, we don't agree on anything! He's traditional minded while I am very liberal. I believe in equality, I believe in having my own last name. I want to work, I refuse to cook and clean for him when he can do it himself. I refuse to cater to him.


 I have to agree with others, I don't feel your husband is FEELING *RESPECTED* by you.... For men....Respect is to them...what Love is to a woman.....

If you worked, I could see 50/50 with housework, chores -all of that... JUST imagine for a moment if you slipped into his schedule every day, when does he get up in the am? Does he gets his own breakfast on top of this also?

Then he walks through the door at 5:30 pm... You have 1 child right now... ONE... unless she is colicky all day long, I just can't fathom this being that much of an ordeal. We had 4 under the age of 6 one time, my husband never had to lift a finger to cook...or clean...plus I had a few jobs on the side as well, I never allowed him to get up in the middle of the night unless I was sick... I even used cloth diapers back then (much more of a pain, more changing & 2 were in diapers).... Never expected him to change them either. But then again, I am traditionally minded and feel as a SAHM... this is My place, I was so thankful I could stay home with those babies. 

Count your blessings... some Moms work in addition to all of this- with more children .....they learn how to manage their time. I am sure your husband feels resentful that he has to come home & do all of these things , then gets dumped upon because he is not showing the baby enough time & attention. 



> *EleGirl said*: You both seem to have the attitude that the other owes you something or that you will not do things for each other. What is the purpose of being married with that attitude? When a person is married they need to be focused on what is the greater good for the family (the community that is their family). A person should be focused on making sure that their spouse gets what he/she wants in life. This of what it would be like if each of you were focused on making the other happy and giving to the other.
> Instead the too of you are afraid that you might give one ounce more to the other.


 :iagree:



> I don’t intend this in a mean way, but neither of you are mature enough to be married or to have a child, like many others who marry and have children before they are mature enough. Most divorces occur between young couples for exactly this reason. Women who marry before 25 and men before 30 are very likely to end up divorced. You see why now, maybe.


 Depends on the couple .... we had our 1st when I was 22... loved /cherished every second -my husband was the best Father imaginable. I was a dutiful happy SAHM in every way what a fulfilling time ... This idea that all people are the same and don't have any maturity till they are 26 ...kinda blows my top at times....I tend to think it might have more to do with how one is raised & the choices they make in life...their attitude..... not so much age. Some people are more mature in their teens than some Jokers in their 30's... purely an individual thing.



> What your goal needs to be when your husband comes home is for quality time with all 3 of your as family. Then once your child is asleep, the 2 of you need to spend time together as a couple. It takes spending at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things you enjoy together to maintain the love and passion in your relationship. It sounds like this is not happening so anger is all you have now.


:iagree:


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

As usual an amazing post from SA! 

SA you have an amazing attitude....both you and EleGirl seem like you could have written that book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura...

My wife read parts of it by the way..but I really dont think she gets it at all, or if she does it does not impact her very much. Oh well.


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