# Young and looking for blunt answers.



## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

Well... I saw a very similar thread to the one I am going to post... but it was in 2010; figured I would start a new discussion. I am 21, yes indeed quite young to be married, I started dating my husband at the ripe age of 16; we have been together 5 years and married for just over 1 year. I have many great people to seek advice from in my life; but sometimes their answer can be convoluted by guilt or not wanting to cause hard feelings... I want answers, honesty and no holds barred.

I have come to realize that yes, indeed, marriages are very hard work. The spark has died in our relationship and the sex is still there, but it's not frequent nor is it satisfying to either of us. I know that I am a HUGE part of the probem in our marriage and there is a LOT of things that I need to work on; mostly I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do for myself and for this relationship... just not sure how to start; I want to know how to heal and grow.

To lay it all out there; I know I married for the wrong reasons, but I know that this man is right for me, is the best for me and makes me happy; he pushes me to be the best me and challenges me in ways nobody ever has. I have always had low self esteem which is much better now and only getting better. He was the first man to look at me and think I was gorgeous just as I am; the first man to kiss me, hold my hand and everything else that you do with someone you love; he made me come alive. Over the years I pushed for more commitment, more things.. marriage without realizing what I was doing... it's like I thought marriage would magically flip the switch and make things ALL better but in fact marriage is just a way of binding yourself to someone for emotional and financial security and also to make it harder to just give up on what you have. I now know that marriage was not the solution and that I had my head up my ass; I was immature, impatient and pushy. I don't know how to forgive myself for this becaues my husband is glad we are married, he loves me and wants to be with me; but there is definitely resentment on some issues in our marriage on both ends, I want to know how to get past this for good... we will have intense talks and agree that things are good.. but then 3 months later we have the same talk because the same issues appear... advice on how to get past this? 

Another issue... I have looked outside of our marriage in the safest way I could... How do I explain this. I am a very sexual creature by nature; not in the sense that I have a high sex drive but I am heavy on the kinky side of sex; my husband is a hopeless romantic. So; to not push him past his limits and to not cheat I have looked to chat sites and forums that are more in topic with my desires. I have no want to physically cheat on my husband I cannot and will not hurt him that way. I even asked him if I could chat online with people, he didn't seem to mind. I know he doesn't know the extent I have gone but I have the sense he doesn't care to know. I know that by doing this I have gone outside of our marriage instea of in to solve our problems, but I honestly have on damn idea how to pull this into our marriage to work on it. 

We are lacking an emotional connection and I have gained friendship and emotional connection on the chat sites with the people I have found; in all honesty it is more about the casual chat to keep from being lonely than it is about the sex. He works away a lot and we live in a remote area and I find that I can't be the social butterfuly I once was and this does that for me. We lack things to discuss; I am more worldly and artsy while he is all hands on, logical and educational. We are polar opposites but our morals and goals are perfectly aligned. He doesn't talk much at ALL, I am very social. I want to know how to work on this part of our marriage because I know that is something that eats at me... we don't appreciate the same things or dont' discuss a lot of random things because we don't have a love for the same things.. looking for ideas on opening the lines of communication for people in which "opposites have attracted."

Other issue, with the lack of self esteem. For quite some time I felt like I settled; and I know that is a terrible thing to think but from my perspective I wonder if I married him because he is the best option for me; or because he was, at the time, the ONLY option for me. I now know that I am a beautiful woman who can infact spark interest and lust in men, it is fact now and I know it; I never knew that before, had never seen it work. I didn't ever think I would find someone else to love me... once again, young and naive small town kid. I know for sure that even if I did have a relationship with someone else it would eventually grow stale and you have to work at ALL relationships, even sex.. there is no magical penis out there that will make it amazing every time for the rest of your life; it takes work. I just find myself sitting here torn between having the sexual/social life of a single woman in her twenties, finding herself and making mistakes to grow into the woman that carries her forward knowing what is out there and choosing what works for her... and the other option being the woman who takes the road less travelled, stays with only having one sexual partner in her entire lifetime and forsaking all others as I try and fight for the relationship I have with this man? Please feel free to advise on this...

Ask me any questions you may have to solve this... I'm not shy nor am I dishonest; I just really want to work on my marriage instead of thinking it will all just magically work out someday like a typical youngin with her head up her ass.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Bold&Honest said:


> Well... I saw a very similar thread to the one I am going to post... but it was in 2010; figured I would start a new discussion. I am 21, yes indeed quite young to be married, I started dating my husband at the ripe age of 16; we have been together 5 years and married for just over 1 year. I have many great people to seek advice from in my life; but sometimes their answer can be convoluted by guilt or not wanting to cause hard feelings... I want answers, honesty and no holds barred.
> 
> I have come to realize that yes, indeed, marriages are very hard work. The spark has died in our relationship and the sex is still there, but it's not frequent nor is it satisfying to either of us. I know that I am a HUGE part of the probem in our marriage and there is a LOT of things that I need to work on; mostly I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do for myself and for this relationship... just not sure how to start; I want to know how to heal and grow.
> 
> ...


You want the truth?

Or just validation and pats on the back to reassure you that it is OK for you to have your cake and eat it too.

You "poor wittle fing" you


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

No I want the truth... If I'm being an idiot say so. I wouldn't post the thread the way I did if i wanted bull**** answers. I'd have left out half of it, painted my husband in a poor light and made myself look like a desperate housewife who is deprived. I want insight and answers, if you just want to patronized take it elsewhere.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Actually, I kind of thought you seemed pretty selfish from my perspective. Selfishness leads to affairs - you're already looking for emotional ones. Here's your problem all rolled up into one ball. 

You're thinking "Is this all there is". It sounds like you're bored with this man who raised your self esteem and made you feel beautiful.

Your husband will never recover if he finds out you are having an emotional affair with somebody else. Never ever. He's a hopeless romantic because he puts you on a pedestal. He thinks highly of you. You're not acting like the queen he pictures you as though.

I think you should both get smartphones and text each other romantically. Try to reopen the connection you once had with flirty texts, talking about feelings. Sounds like you have a good thing going. Don't screw it up.

Sometimes when you're with somebody for awhile, you forget about the little things. Get to reknow them and him.

Right now, you want to play the field because of your inexperience. You want more. Trust me, it's really not worth it. You have a catch and it's a good one.

You can spark lust in men, sure. Anybody can, especially if you're giving forth flirty vibes. You could look like Jabba the hutt and the man will take you up on your offer - because he's a man. He'd talk crap about you to his friends, then he'd sleep with you. 

You're just a lay to most men. That's what they want, especially at this age. And they know just what to say.


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

Thank you for the honesty. Selfish.. yup I can definitely see that in here; definitely part of the things I need to work on. And yes that sums it up; I am thinking, is this all there is? I am wondering is this the best there is? I honestly do think that I could adore him more... I have no basis for comparison.. i have never been treated like **** by a man nor have I had my heart broken, he has and I think that makes a huge difference in our relationship. Funny you say that because he is getting an Iphone, I just got one; we'll have to start doing that. It's reassuring that you can say I have a catch with what little I have disclosed about him; that is reassuring to me, and I'm also glad to hear that I am not missing out on much, though I've been told this many times it's hard to believe much like other things you try and believe when you lack the experience yourself. Thank you for the insight; definitely looking forward to more answers and criticism and advice.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Who have you been talking to on these chat sites? Is it just random people or a specific person? 

I think you're bored of your marriage and are only with your husband because he's pretty laid black and oblivious to everything you are doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

bold&Honest,

Im so glad you are asking rather than making bad choices. (yes the online stuff not good btw)
I have been married 26yrs and my wife and I have 4 kids (17-25)

You willl never regret being true to yourself and your husband, and working hard at your marriage, you will not be missing anything, when you have more life experience you will thank God you didnt believe that lie.

I have more I would like to say but I think for now I will post three threads here that will help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

and

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54243-im-wife-emotional-affair.html

and 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58620-i-did-him-wrong-but-what-now.html

Dont make their mistakes and throw it all away!

You have soooo much to gain from this relationship and soooo much to lose.

Take care!

ps nice post Kipani


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I realize the top one is in the private section and you cant get in there until you have 30 posts so Im going post some of it here, This couple is divorcing! Her post nams is Tears. Btw she had never been with another man, she gave away that gift to another man, her husband was crushed!

By a poster named Tears,
Hello everyone, I'm sorry this post is a bit long

I've been married to my husband for 5 years , dated him for 3 years before that. We have 2 daughters who are 6 and 2. We've had a great marriage, aside from the usual ups and downs. I have never cheated on him before this and I know that he's never cheated on me, he's very devouted to the family and loves me and the children. I don't know how I could hurt someone like that the way I did, especially him. 

I went out with a couple of my girlfriends to a pub last week and we had a little too much to drink, I know that this is no excuse to justify what I did, and I ended up talking to a guy that I was really attracted to and exchanged numbers with him. He called me the next day and said he wanted to meet me, I don't know what came over me and I said yes and we met for lunch and then one thing led to another and I accompanied him to his apartment and had sex with him. I don't understand what was going on in my mind during all of this, I could have said no but I didn't. 

I regretted it immediately and left. I have since changed my number and deleted him from my contact list. My husband returned home from a business trip last friday. I contemplated about keeping what I had done a secret but I struggled with my guilt from the day that i cheated (last monday) till the time my husband came home, and I broke down and told him everything.

I thought he would be extremely angry and throw me out and I wish it were that way, but he just looked so hurt and sad and told me that he expected me to be better and that he was very disappointed in me. He left our home on saturday and he hasn't returned. He's living with his brother who is very close to him. He hasn't returned my calls nor responded to any messages. 

I have told the details of our situation to my sister-in-law,mother-in-law and my mother and they've been trying to help but my husband hasn't. On sunday my sister-in-law called me and asked me if could leave the house for a few hours so that he could some spend time with the children and I told her that I would move out and begged him to come home, but he responded(through her) that it wasn't necessary. 

I feel so lost and depressed, I just want him to come home. I don't know what led me to act the way I did, and I've tried apologizing so many times but he hasn't responded to a single message. I've destroyed my family.

Someone please help me. Please tell me how I can help him. I just want him to come back, he's always been a jovial person, always laughing and teasing but now I've shattered him and I don't know how to make it right.

I tried calling him a while back but he didn't return my call, I want to go over to my brother-in-law's place and beg him to come home but I'm scared to face him.


Tears
It happened the day after I met him at the pub, I have never exchanged numbers with another man apart from my work colleagues for any reason and I don't know why I did it. And no I haven't seen him since, nor do I wish to. I am not minimalizing anything, I have told my husband everything including the time I spent in his apartment and what the person I had an affair with and me talked about during our lunch date. And can you please tell me what trickle truth is? And I assume the EA and PA mean emotional and physical affair. There wasn't much emotion involved, I admit that he was very attractive but so is my husband and I know that there are no excuses for what I did 


I don't know, I've thought about it myself and I can't come up with any good reason for my actions. All I can say is that I regret it completely, I knew that I was married and out of line but I can't really understand the why of it.

Sex with my husband has been amazing throughout our relationships, and we've had a few fights here and there. He(my husband) isn't the kind of guy who gets emotional at all, so most of our fights get sorted out after I've cooled down. The last really bad fight we had was about my wanting another baby and things were pretty tense for a week or two but he eventually convinced me to postpone it for a few years, but this was months ago and things have been good for us.

I can't really come up with any reason apart from the fact that I was attracted to the OM. 


Originally Posted by Beelzebub 
Questions:

- did he use protection?

- if he the one cheated would you forgive him?

- I never seen happy with her husband and say he is very attractive and in love him and do a one night stand out of the blue?

- if the one night stand happened that night you met we would say may be a drunk moment, but you thought about it over and over before meeting him to lunch and invite you to his place

- so during lunch that may be last 30 minutes, did ask you " would you have it with me in my place" kinda way? 


Tears
1. NO , I think I should get tested.

2.I honestly don't know, we've never discussed about all of these things before.

3. My husband was in the rowing team at the university and he's maintained the same physique since, he's only 33 now. I didn't really compare the OM with my husband, I never really thought about my husband until it was over and done with, I wish I knew better but I didn't and its tearing me up on the inside

4. I wasn't drunk when I had sex, just a glass of wine at his apartment and I'm pretty sure that doesn't qualify as drunk. The previous night when I exchanged numbers, yes I was drunk. I never thought about it over and over before meeting him, I don't know what led me to say yes to either meeting him for lunch or having sex with him but I did and now I'm lying on the bed I've made as someone said.

5.No he was talking about his record collection and asked me if I'd like to see them and I said yes. 


Originally Posted by thunderstruck 
Sounds like your H was out of town for a few days? Not saying you're a Borderline (BPD), but this situation sounds like a few I've read at BPD sites. The H goes out of town for a week or so, the BPD feels abandoned, anger builds, and then the W bangs some guy. The BPD and the H are then stuck trying to figure out WTF happened.

Just throwing it out there since this PA doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. Not that the others always do. 


Tears
He has been away before and I haven't cheated on him during those times. But I will look into it, I have been crying for the past 3 days and barely made it out of bed. I don't want my children to see me in such a mess and I just told my 6 year old that daddy was very angry with mummy when she asked me why he hadn't come home. Its breaking my heart, the hurt that I've caused my husband and children.

bandit, I'm on the pill. I'll get tested tomorrow and if it turns out to be positive I'll leave I don't want to, but I know he deserves better. I have no intention of spreading any disease to him or anybody else. I just want him to come back home. I've been crying for 3 days and I feel so dirty and inadequate, I've let him down and its killing me. I couldn't even muster the courage to post here even though I chanced upon this site yesterday.

How do I tell him that I'm sorry for all of this? I wish I had never been so stupid.

And I agree no more GNOs. And I'll drop the friends too. 

Tears
Without going in to details, I've been served.....yesterday... I have time till the next tuesday to return the acknowledgement of services form to the court. H has stated that he wishes to go through mediation to agree upon custody issues. He's changed the locks at our home. He opened the doors after I begged for hours last night(tried to use the spare key but....), told me to sleep in the spare bedroom or the couch or wherever before locking himself up in our room(I just know that sometime during the night he draped a blanket over me). He's not talking to me, the kids know something serious is happening, I haven't been able to stop crying and its surprising how I was able to get up and make breakfast for everyone today. H is not eating at home, he's not even looking at me. He wants me to leave by the time he gets home tonight(he's working late). Tomorrow I'll probably have to run to a solicitor myself if he isn't willing to hear me out tonight.



Well, me and H had a good long talk yesterday. We talked about a lot of things, good and bad, about out relationship. He told me, he felt that when we were good, we were the best but now he knows that everything good must come to an end someday. He thought that divorce was the best option not just for us and he hopes that we can both be civil to each other and make the whole process as peaceful as possible.

I asked him if we could remain friends after the divorce, he just gave me a sad smile and shook his head. He thinks its best if we just remain on speaking terms so that parenting isn't going to be a difficult task, but he doesn't think that being friends or even keeping contact, more than what's necessary is a good thing for the both of us.

We decided to tell the kids, I don't when we're doing it but we're doing it together. He feels that its best if he moves out now and he's decided to do it come saturday. 

We joked a bit over Matt's email to him. Matt, he says nice try, and maybe you and him can have a beer sometime. 

There's a heaviness in my heart today, the pain I've caused him and the kids(though they don't know it yet) is just unbelievable sometimes. I still am vacillating between accepting that my marriage to this wonderful man is truly over and fighting for reconciliation. But its becoming clearer that the harder I try, the further I push him away. I don't think I'll be updating much from now. I still plan to continue therapy for a while though. I will inform you guys of any game changing developments that I hope will occur. I'm still having this fantasy that one of these days the divorce process will be stopped in its tracks and we'll start R. I won't stop believing, that I know for sure.

Thank you guys for everything, this isn't goodbye. I'll stick around and keep reading new threads and new stories, I'll keep learning.


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

Thank you so very much for posting the stories! That is EXACTLY the kind of thing I wanted to see. I admitted to my husband that after a little while of chatting online that I was terrified because I didn't realize that I could be attracted to someone else as strongly as I was too him... I still had the mentality that when you found that one person that was it and you just were with them madly in love forever... so when I stumbled upon this person who made me feel the way my husband did when we first started dating I freaked... I mean I chatted with this man for some time and admit that I cross lines I should not have crossed... but I came clean with my husband about it; spilled my guts telling him that i was scared and confused and that I didn't know what to do... and that I wanted to be with him because I choose to love him not because I thought he was my soulmate and that was that... not sure if that comes across right or not... But I get what this woman's story is telling me... that if you have someone that incredible... don't go throwing it away, and I now know that when I chat that it isn't anything real... or permanent or even remotely close to what I have with my husband, I mostly chat about life stuff, movies, music... if it turns sexual it is mostly for my ego and the desires of the other party I have deleted those accounts and explained to the people why I don't care to talk to them anymore because instead of talking to my husband I'm talking to someone else and that just isn't going to solve anything.... I haven't felt emotionally involved since that first person, and soon realized that I wasn't in love with that person... I was in love with the idea of being desired, a petty thing but as I said, I never had that before. I know what I have with my husband is real; and I just need to honor our marriage. Thank you for the push in the right direction. I don't want to end up divorced. I will try my damndest not to play the what if game, though i will not feel guilty for finding people attractive and fantasizing about them because I am only human and people do that **** all the time without cheating.. I have had SOOO many opportunites and advances to actually cheat and I have NEVER taken them. I have told my husband my desire to kiss someone else just to know the difference, I have told him I find women attractive and he let me have an experience with another woman.. mind you he did watch. He trusts me and lets me do things under his rules so that I don't feel like I am missing out; even considered both of us mutually having sex with other people or a couple just to know what it is like... we are very open about this stuff because we were each others firsts.... we both know what we are giving up; he is just so damn chill about it and I of course think to damn much. But again, thank you for the advice, I still welcome more be it harsh or tame. Will keep posting with progress.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're honest? Noooo. You're not honest with yourself or your husband. 

This has nothing to do with your husband. You my dear, are starting out with every thing any young woman would dream of. Your problem is you can't accept that. Your low self esteem is not letting you accept the love and attentions of your husband, as enough. You are looking for more and more attention to fill a hole in yourself. Until you fix that you will never be satisfied. You will have a long and unfulfilled journey, littered with sorrow. You've already hurt your husband, he just doesn't know it yet. 

Blunt advice? 

Stop trying to get your fix for attention. Yes it is a drug fix, the dopamine rushes to your brain every time you log on with your affair partners. Go cold turkey, stop the interactions with other men. Tell your husband what you did and you need help. If he loves you as you say, he will stand by you while you work on yourself. Get into IC to explore and get help for your problem. You have started down the path of relationship destruction. It will not stop until you act. You will destroy this marriage and every relationship in your future.

Books for you to read:

See what path you going down.
Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

See what a marriage looks like.
His Needs Her Needs


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

kipani said:


> Right now, you want to play the field because of your inexperience. You want more. Trust me, it's really not worth it. You have a catch and it's a good one.
> 
> He'd talk crap about you to his friends, then he'd sleep with you.
> 
> *You're just a lay to most men. That's what they want, especially at this age. And they know just what to say.*


^^^^^^^
Words of wisdom right there.
The grass is NOT GREENER on the other side.

You're very young and inexperienced, so that I will say that your viewpoint has something to do with that.

Go through this site and read some of the horror stories.

You seem to have a false sense of entitlement. You think you have some how missed out.
Nothing is further from the truth.

Communicate with your husband and develop sexual intimacy with him. 
He will be willing to please you sexually!

Take some time and count your lucky stars.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Kind of a long post that I skimmed through but the one part that caught my attention is that you want kinky sex but are reluctant because your H is more vanilla. Try it with him; he'll come around. And do it after both of you have had a few drinks. 

My wife is vanilla and if she did something or suggested something along those lines, the pre-cum would be leaking immediately.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Decorum said:


> bold&Honest,
> 
> Im so glad you are asking rather than making bad choices. (yes the online stuff not good btw)
> I have been married 26yrs and my wife and I have 4 kids (17-25)
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You said the spark has died in your relationship & you have only been married for one year. That is too soon for the spark to die. Some couples have been married for 50 year & still have the spark.

You said you are beautiful & love the attention from other men.

This will not end well.

Work on yourself. Go to college & get an education. Get a career, hobbies & friends. Help others. Develop yourself into a productive member of society.

While you work on yourself, stop chatting with other men because you are a married woman. Love the one your with. Once you become a beautiful woman on the inside, they you can decide if you married for the right reasons.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

read up on the Five Languages of Love


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Honestly, I don't know why but this thread made me kind of mad.

Yes, you are quite young to be married, but you are an adult now, and complaints about being bored and confined to a small town, seeking sexual thrills online so no one finds out, etc. sound like things a teenager would say and do if they were still stuck at their parents house and feeling trapped.

But you're an adult, so you can get a job, move, and have the sex life you want. Your husband can even be a part of all these things, if you so desire. You just have to suck it up and lay it all out on the table for you both to see (good advice I saw in another thread was to print out your original post and let him read it, as it usually sums up your life/problems pretty accurately). 

If you were as bold and honest with your husband as you wish to be online, then things might not be so boring after all.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's the thing. NOBODY can make you happy. Only you can do that. Until you figure out how to be content with what you have, you will search for contentment the rest of your life and never find. Like an itch you can never scratch. I think you need to talk to a counselor to find out what it is you really want. Then work WITH your husband to pursue that.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Boldandhonest,

Wow, good for you! You have done the right thing and the happiness you feel and the positive energy it brings to your heart is almost life giving isnt it?
Realize that going down the wrong path would bring guilt and misery and damage to your heart and others.
So I commend you. Well done!!!

The books mentioned earlier and the one above the 5 love languaged we recomend all the time you should invest
In yourself and your marriage and read them. Also this site has much to offer and (even so young) you can help others, so I hope you stick around and grow with us.

Listen, 
Maybe some people can include others in their bedroom, but in most cases here it seriously damages the marriages, your attraction for your husband is based on some factors that we discuss here alot, (its biological, and hardwired in the female brain, more on that another time) this attraction in a woman for her husband, as well as her respect for him is frequently damages when he lets her be taken by another man and she see's him with another woman, and after the fact its too late to "un-ring" that bell, we see so much confusion afterwards.

I hope before you really try somthing like that, you would come here and give us a chance to talk about it.


Back to topic, everyone gets an ego boost when we turn a head and we can all feel attracted to some else and turn our head, but when act on it, really in anyway, we cross a boundary (we talk a lot here about couples setting boundaries together n personally, and of "affair proofing" their marriages)
But seeking out attention (ok flirting) is dating behavor, and its risky, like emerald said above, (she makes good points so often) you are young work on yourself, even with this need for attention (yes its not uncommon) and become an uncommon woman, wife, and mother(if you have kids sometime).

Im away from computer for a few days but im interested to follow your thread.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

So you dated for years, and then got married, and almost immediately, you were bored. Does that seem reasonably true? 

First off, let me say that you were and are still very young. You were in love and in love with the idea of being in love. And then when all the anticipation of being married and the marital bliss were realized... You no longer had any mountain to climb, and then suddenly you wanted some other "excitement" to keep you going. 

Let me say that the number of people who go through this... Is astounding. But what you do about it is up to you, and nobody else. 

First: If you persist in your endless thrill seeking, you're going to hurt yourself beyond belief, and a whole lot of people around you. You want the thrill of the chase and once the chase is achieved, the victory leaves you anti-climatic. You're bored and have to start the cycle over again. Just look at your actions, and know it's true. 

Now, the issue is, that you believe you require large amounts of attention and excitement to not be "bored". Thus, the "kinky" wants. Oh, heck, there's nothing wrong with "kinky", but it's not "kinky", you're just wanting the thrill of trying something new, and once you get it, the excitement will almost immediately subside. 

So, what you need to learn, is how to be happy WITH WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE. You do not need endless external stimulation, with new and thrilling things. Rather, you need to know who you are and what your interests are, what kind of talents and abilities you have, and to find some way of using them that in some way helps or serves other people. You need to have purpose and interests of your own that fill your mind and your time and give you something to work on, to gain true and lasting satisfaction. 

Turn off the computer, stop talking to other men and women to find that thrill point, and go take some tests to find out what you're good at. Then start exploring that to see if those things are what interests you. Instead of seeking an adrenaline rush from a new kink or notion, start looking for satisfaction from being productive, from being honorably skilled and from pursuing and achieving excellence at things that matter, not just to yourself, but to the world around you. 

This process is called "maturation" as an individual. Don't let people just tell you to "grow up", how the heck would you know what that is? There isn't a textbook and a class you take in school on that. This is a pattern of behavior you no doubt can trace all the way back to your early teen years - and you craved your man's ability to push you toward that inner value and inner satisfaction that you ACTUALLY want, but are getting sidetracked from by thrill seeking. 

Don't be so down about yourself, either. Just understand that you are now recognizing the need to mature in yourself and that need shows by urgency with which you're acting. I have little doubt that you could do amazing things. You have passion, energy, and enthusiasm, with a strong desire to accomplish - it shows in what you say, the name you chose, and even what you think is your rapid "falling apart" from your husband. 

You still love him. You say so. Your relationship has gone from giddy teen crush to mutual admiration. The only thing missing here is YOU. And, you need to fill the need to be the person you should be, rather than trying to fill that need with emotional highs. You need the internal sourced happiness with yourself, rather than external approval and stimulation. 

Now, once you've read this, stop... STart a list of all the things you think you enjoy being productive at. What do you like? Food, cooking, fashion? Artistic? What fascinates you? Medicine, mechanics? Fixing things? Fitness? 

Start THIS MINUTE, do not delay, and make this your obsession, rather than the pursuit of kinky highs and emotional drama. And the next thing you know, you'll get in bed with your guy and you'll grin and say "hey, let's try this..." and you'll be happy whether you do it or not, because YOU WILL BE HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH WHO YOU ARE. 

Now, GET BUSY. You have an incredible, amazing destiny to find, live, and fill, and stop wasting your life by looking for momentary excitement.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are willing to trade a good relationship with who is, apparently, a good man (something that is sought out by many never to be found) for a few sexual situations (which basically every woman who is willing to put out can have)?

Doesn't sound like a good trade and you will very likely regret it dearly. 

Anyway, if you are willing to go out and just go wild and sleep around please tell your husband so that he can decide if he is willing to put up with that or is just wasting time with you.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

First of all, I commend you for your honesty with us and yourself...a very rare thing for someone to do...rare indeed to share from the heart, even if it portrays you in a negative light. You are seeking out wisdom, encouragement, and answers...my hat's off to you...good for you! AND...you are not afraid to hear truth...even if it hurts. And with that being said, I would encourage you to heed to your very own words and act upon them. Don't just read these posts other have written, but let them sink deep within your heart, soul, and mind. Let them mold into reality and practice. And I totally disagree with the last post by "sandc." I don't think its about you making yourself happy, but allowing your husband to cherish you, to love and hold and respect, for the rest of your life...that is what a husband should be doing...and it sounds like he is. Not perfectly mind you, but there is no such thing as perfect (forget the movies).

Okay, I want to break down key elements of what you wrote and respond to them each separately...



Bold&Honest said:


> I have come to realize that yes, indeed, marriages are very hard work.


You are right there! Also, relationships take hard work if you are living together. Everything takes work to make it work. As much as you put into something, is as much as you are going to get out of it. It sounds like to me, you have not been investing much in your relationship with your husband. Your husband is doing much work, but you have become lazy (correct me if I am wrong). You have a lot of time on your hands (VERY BAD) and that time is being spent pondering the "what-ifs", and looking for the faults of your husband, and looking for others to satisfy the needs that are not being met by your husband.



Bold&Honest said:


> I know that I am a HUGE part of the problem in our marriage and there is a LOT of things that I need to work on


At least you are honest with yourself about this. Again, it is going to take an initiative on your part to come up to the plate and do what you should be doing in your marriage. To give your husband the respect that he needs, despite not having a perfect marriage. You owe it to your husband to NOT be lazy...to find a job or craft that you can focus all your free time with. Maybe you could explore who God is and the plan He has for your life, because I believe He has a plan specifically for your life, which is not of evil, but that plan is to give you a hope and a future. Become a painter!



Bold&Honest said:


> I am heavy on the kinky side of sex; my husband is a hopeless romantic.


Okay, so you feel that your sex drive is bottled up inside and your just want to explode in adventure, passion, and the wild side. I don't think their is a husband out there that wouldn't enjoy seeing this come to pass. But to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, maybe that is not for him...I know who your husband is (speaking of the type of person he is)...he is the kind of husband women dream about, but never actually get a hold of one. Your husband is the type that women in their 30's and above wish they had married, but settled for the lazy, abusive, and degrading husband (not to put all you ladies down). The "kinky" side in you won't last forever...romance is what lasts forever...or at least it should. BUT, I am not saying to ignore your kinky aggressive side. I think the key here is to communicate with your husband about this...find mutual ground. Okay, so he wants to romance you and let him, but he should mutually allow you to be kinky with him to some degree or another and he should play along. Your husband might be set on his ways about what sex is and that view sounds like it might be tainted into looking at it one-sided. Maybe too many movies? Your husband should allow you to a voice in sex...maybe even if you had a one night a week to do what you want to do.



Bold&Honest said:


> So; to not push him past his limits and to not cheat I have looked to chat sites and forums that are more in topic with my desires. I have no want to physically cheat on my husband I cannot and will not hurt him that way.


Although I hear what you are saying, I think you have a deep unspoken undertone here...and maybe you are not aware of it, but I think really deep down, you are thinking you want to cheat on your husband. Yes, your desire is for your husband and you know what a good thing you have with him, but you are really stuck on yourself and desiring to pursue the things that will make "YOU" happy. I got news for you dear...its NOT about you! If you listen to the advice of some, which is to say, "Go find what makes you happy," this would mean having an affair! Does that make it right? Of course it doesn't! What then? Well, this should tell you that it is NOT about you.

You need to stop ALL online chat forums about dating. This forum is a good place to be, because you will not get the yukiness of people trying to pick up on you (not to say it doesn't happen), but it is NOT allowed here. I think most responders here at TAM will give you sound advice. This is a great forum to be at. All others need to cease! You are looking for others to satisfy your emotional needs and inevitably, you want someone to explore this kinky side to you. Of course, you desire it to be with your husband, but if poor old hubby does not step up to the plate, what then? And this is exactly why you have started flirting with the door to opportunity. Oh yes, it is not hard to find what YOU are looking for. You can find millions of guys out there lying is wait to take advantage of "kinky" young girl, such as yourself. But it all is a bunch of bull honky! What you have right now with your husband is the best thing you will ever have. I 1000% guarantee you that! It will NOT get any better! Never! Never! Never! "But what about my desires and wants" you might say? Communicate, communicate, communicate with your husband. If he will not listen, go to marriage counseling together, so that you can share your voice there and have a counselor tell you two together a lot of the same things that I have shared herein my response.



Bold&Honest said:


> I know for sure that even if I did have a relationship with someone else it would eventually grow stale and you have to work at ALL relationships, even sex..


You are right...it WILL grow stale and cold. Any marriage after a first marriage will never be the same as from the first marriage! Any affair will never be loyal, sincere, and long lasting! However, what you wrote here tells me a lot. It tells me that you have been contemplating having an affair. Temptation is not wrong, but what you do with that temptation is what matters. You need to STOP daydreaming about the "what-ifs" and focus on what you have with your husband right now. And you have done a great job of that in your thread. Keep talking up your husband, speak of the good in him, the positive things. Never shame him or put him down. Have I told you to STOP all online chatting with guys? I think I have and I will say it again. That should NOT be happening. Its an open door to pandora's box (which is a box of evil).



Bold&Honest said:


> there is no magical penis out there that will make it amazing every time for the rest of your life


I want to reiterate what I posted earlier...its NOT about you! Does this mean you should not have your desires fulfilled...by no means am I saying that. Communicate! Stop thinking about the what-ifs! Stop thinking about some make belief magical penis (as you so eloquently put it) that is going to cure all your horny and kinky desires. Communicate with your husband!



Bold&Honest said:


> I have told him I find women attractive and he let me have an experience with another woman.. mind you he did watch.


Okay, I get that you are young and you are exploring the universe and all that it has to offer. Sex is one avenue which all of us explore to one degree or another...which only lasts for so long. After you have tried everything and everyone, what is left for you? What you have right now with your husband is AWESOME! What a blessing! Read the scores of failing marriages on this forum and you will see how many people are suffering, bitter, enraged, etc. See all the affairs, broken marriages, displaced children...what a mess! You have something special with your husband and it will NEVER get better. You need to STOP these exploring desires of yours with other people! Again, you are opening up pandora's box. Just because your husband allowed you to play with another women, doesn't make it right. If my wife threw that one at me, that would be temptation at its finest. But I believe we should flee youthful lusts! Keep the marriage bed undefiled. The marriage bed is just for you and your husband.

I shall close with this...continue communicating with your husband about your wants and desires. If he will not listen or act accordingly, try and seek out a marriage counselor. Yes, they can be costly, but will be well worth it for your marriage. If you do not have the money, there are free ones at most local churches. And again, thank you for your honesty in sharing your feelings in this thread...it says a lot.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Fyi- she has confessed her computer romance to her husband because she is recognizing the threat to her marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You are still immature and have a lot of growing to do (this is not a put down, this is reality). Realizing your unhappiness and knowing what you want is a good first step. The second step? Please leave your husband so he can find someone who will appreciate him (I would kill for a hopeless romantic) and you can find someone that is into things you are into.

You can't change him and he can't change you. You already sound resentful, imagine how resentful you will be in 10 years of not truly being your kinky self. 

It's better to hurt him now by leaving than devastating him later after years of dishonesty. You made a rookie mistake getting married so young and thinking it would fix whatever needed to be fixed. You sound like you are in over your head and you want out, you can't breathe.

At least you are honest about yourself and your needs. You know what you want to do. You know what you need to do. If you are completely sure, take action now or regret it later.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Why would you advise her to leave him? Starting her life by giving up on her commitments is advice I would not give my worst enemy. She needs to keep them so she can have pride in her own doing, not learn to give up.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Please leave your husband so he can find someone who will appreciate him (I would kill for a hopeless romantic) and you can find someone that is into things you are into.


Your username "Endlessgrief" really says it all! My heart breaks for you and your advice. It sounds like you have been hurt much in life, but is that any reason to advise someone based upon your hurts?

Marriage is not a dirty diaper that can be tossed out at the first sign of stink. Marriage is honorable and should be respected. Yes, in the dating stage, things don't work out, you can make a decision then, but not when an oath is given before friends, family, and God.

I know this gal is going to work it out with her husband. She has something very special and I am happy for her. And I think it is totally awesome that she is open and honest. She has much wisdom and she doesn't want to make a mistake.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Endless she's trying to do the right thing. Cheating is a choice after all.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of Bold&Honest
> I just find myself sitting here torn between having the sexual/social life of a *single woman* in her twenties, finding herself and making mistakes to grow into the woman that carries her forward knowing what is out there and choosing what works for her... and the other option being the woman who takes the road less travelled, stays with only having one sexual partner in her entire lifetime and forsaking all others as I try and fight for the relationship I have with this man? Please feel free to advise on this...



The sexual/social life of a single woman probably gives more temporary juice to the emotional part of your life than remaining faithful. Forsaking all others and staying with only one sexual partner does not produce as much excitement juice as the former (Single woman)

Wanting this excitement and to be desired can seem fullfilling in spurts and for a very short duration by taking the actions of a single woman. Then eventually comes the price you will pay.


*The price you will pay is that your self esteem will start to plummet*. As a man I would like to have kinky sex with a woman and I could very easily make her feel desired and I know how to juice her excitement. When I got ready to get married, have children, and go through some of life’s real dark times, I would dump the woman that gave me temporary excitement and look for women that had lots of character like discipline, faithfulness, and would SACRIFICE for me and the children.

Any woman that was my wife and wanted to take her body and give it to some other people would be proof to me that she is willing to sell her character for temporary excitement (cheap thrills). I would dump her as soon as I could get everything worked out to my advantage. *Why would I want a woman that is unfaithful and has low self esteem?* That is a guaranteed losing combination.

You want advice? 

The old ways of honorable character will never be replaced for going the distance and having chance at a satisfying and successful marriage. The ways you have talked about and even acted upon (sex with someone other than your spouse) are poison to a long term successful marriage.

Here is what has produced long term successful marriages:

*Discipline:* You discipline yourself to sacrifice your destructive need for inappropriate excitement and need to be desired. When you get the urge to seek that excitement drug, cut it off immediately with your free will.

*Faithfulness:* Good people desire people that are faithful. No one desires an unfaithful person whether it be in marriage, work, friendship, etc.

*Sacrifice:	* When you apply appropriate sacrifice for the benefit of others you build strength and real love.

All three old fashion values above will always build self esteem and character and be desire by good people.

You are young and have fooled yourself into thinking that your single woman thoughts and ways are going to carry you forward, help you to grow, and that will work for you. You are showing no wisdom with your statement below:


> Quote of Bold&Honest
> I just find myself sitting here torn between having the sexual/social life of a *single woman* in her twenties, finding herself and making mistakes to grow into the woman that carries her forward knowing what is out there and choosing what works for her...



You can rationalize away the truths above and follow your excitement and single woman ways but you will not have a long term successful marriage and your self esteem will go into the sewer. *How many people will desire you then?*


My guess is that you still can build your life and marriage to be successful. From what you wrote you have a very good start in that your husband is the kind of man that you have a lot to build with. In addition, you have the good qualities of by being upfront-honest-bold and you have just enough wisdom to seek advice from those that have lived life for many more decades than you. I have been married successfully for more years than you have been alive. *The big question is are you going to just get this advice for your amusement or are you going to do what you know is right and get better?*

If you do the opposite of being disciplined, sacrificing and being faithful you will have permanent consequences that you will not recover from.


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

Thank you to everyone for all the amazing input! I knew by posting this thread that I would be expecting the good and bad. I knew that there would be people sitting there slamming me for ****ing up such an awesome relationship. But as I said before I am posting my faults on this wall expecting to have input on them not showcasing the things that he is or has done wrong in the relationship or any of his faults. That being said before I even started reading these posts I had written down all the goals that I want to achieve in the next 10 years or so. Everything I could ever want from working on my hobbies to developing my hobbies to pursuing dreams that I hadn't thought to pursue before or was scared to. I wrote down out marital and life goals as a couple and have started formatting Those goals into separate mantras. So that now I can wake up focus on a specific goal for Each mantra and continue to do so until each goal is completed. I have deleted all accounts having to do with chatting with anyone I have tried to disable my Skype account but it won't disable so I have made it so that they can no longer contact me and I have no contacts. I am focusing on finding myself and developing the issues that I need to fix and compromise in this relationship. I will definitely be buying the books that you guys recommended as well as trying to get my husband to read more books as well. My husband does not want to go to a marital counselor because he thinks that it is a waste of money and that it won't fix anything… I think we would benefit from having a third-party listen in on our issues to have some insight. Usually our parents or friends offer advice but I think having an outside look would be much more effective. I will continue to work on myself and hope that that is enough to change the things I want and need to be changed in this marriage. Thank you all for your excellent advice, I feel like I have learned a lot and have a better sense of direction with where to go with myself and this relationship I hope that I can repost in a while verifying that my marriage is on a better path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Boldandhonest,
I sense a very positive energy from you and I would not discourage your conclusions in any way.

As you said you have not listed many complaints regarding your marriage or husband.

I can only take from your last comment that there are some on your mind.
You have not asked so you have not received much advise in this regard. (Assuming that it is more than just the kinky issue).

Many husbands say after their partner has an affair, "I wish she would have made clear to me that we had problems, or some say, divorce me before you cheat on me."
Give him a wake up call if he needs it!

You both took vows to love and all...you have a right for your husband to understand your needs and to meet them, same goes for him.

You should not be the only one in a relationship doing the heavy lifting, of course personalities differ, you seem to have boundless positive energy, your husband might be "more chill" none the less he must be investing in himself and the relationship in some way matching you.

Make clear to him that if relationships dont grow they die!!!

You will not be able to sustain the relationship from your side only, however much you benifit from your positives activitues, as somone said above, communicate, communicate, communicate.

(The sexual side is uniquely individual and people should not be pushed here) but contributing to the relationship in a meaningful way is non-optional, please do not accept any less.

In that you must be Bold and Honest!

Peace, and grace,

Take care sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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