# FED UP and angry, what can I do?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I am utterly, utterly pissed off...

The baby has been sleeping not so well recently. Has a good three-hour stretch when put to bed, but then is waking up every hour or two hours until the morning.

Last night was particularly bad. I sat with the baby for half an hour at 5.30am, put him down in his cot and he woke up 5 mins later. I was fed up and exhausted (I'd been up with him numerous times since we went to bed) and I took him into our bed whereupon he grizzled.

All OH could do was moan at me. "Can't you feed him?" "I just have done, I have been doing every hour and it's not making a difference. He might want cuddles or picking up. You could have a go. I just want to get SOME sleep."

"Try feeding him again, come on, that usually does the trick" (getting angry.) Me: "babe it's not working. Let's try something else."

He gets up and storms off downstairs, gets some frozen milk out and starts to defrost it. I meltdown, start sobbing and bring the baby downstairs into the living room. He cannot get back to bed quick enough, bypassing me and the baby. He gets up a couple of hours later for work and hardly acknowledges me or the kids who are getting breakfast.

This comes after Sunday morning which was supposed to be my lie in- he went out the night before, slept on the sofa, and when I got up with the baby quite early, he got up without a word and went up to bed for three hours- tbh he was in no fit state to look after the kids so I let him sleep until he was more human. I was furious- he'd have kicked off if he hadn't gotten his lie in the day before but it's fine for me not to have mine when I HAVEN'T HAD A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP FOR SIX MONTHS.

I am beyond angry. I am not asking him to get up in the night, I am only asking him for backup when I am desperate. Any suggestions of him getting up with baby are met with a derisory response of "he just needs feeding" - he genuinely thinks that 100% of the time the upset baby can be soothed by me feeding him. Yes this work a lot- but not ALL the time. I maybe ask him once in a monthand he NEVER does this. He won't get up early and do breakfast for the kids so I can grab an extra hour. He won't get up with the kids on my lie in day unless I physically SHAKE him awake.

I know my tiredness is not helping but I seriously feel that I could tell him to move out. He is helpful with nearly everything else but when it comes to his sleep... my sleep is NOT IMPORTANT to him. He puts no value on me having sleep, catching up with sleep, getting a lie in or anything else that means he has to sacrifice maybe an hour of his sleep so I can get an hour extra. I honestly could cry right now.

What can I do? I am SO ANGRY.


----------



## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

My wife and I went through hard times with each of our three kids. You are both exhausted, mentally and physically. The best thing to do is find a quiet 10 minutes and talk over what each of you need as calmly as possible. Definitely don't say anything either of you will regret later. You're both worn down at the moment.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well that's just the thing- the only reason he is tired is because he always goes to bed late. He does stir sometimes at night but even that doesn't happen much because I have to grab baby quick so the other kids don't wake up. 

The thing is he is pretty good with other stuff, but when it comes to sleep- it really is every man for himself with him. He has absolutely no sympathy- no actually, no _understanding_ that I might want to catch up on sleep now and again. He really doesn't see it at all. He says repeatedly it's not his fault I choose to breastfeed- no it isn't, but I'm not blaming him for me being tired, I'm just fed up of him not wanting to accommodate me with this in any way. He doesn't seem to want to give anywhere with this and I've started to wonder if I'm actually being unreasonable with wanting a little support?

***A little side note***

When baby was born, he took two weeks off. In that whole time, I only got to lie in once. Every other morning I had to get up with the older kids, get them ready for school, stay awake for the baby and toddler. No napping or catching up for me. The one morning he *DID* get up before me was only because I slept through my alarm, and asked if he could take the older ones to school. He went crazy at me after and said I'd never intended to get up with the kids that morning- not the case at all but I wouldn't blame me if I *had* done that! The first morning after baby was born that was a schoolday he got up with me as I wanted a hand getting the kids ready, and he kept going on about how he didn't see why he had to get up as well...

I withdrew from him for weeks after this, and it culminated in a very heartfelt apology from him; he actually said he was worried I'd never trust him with anything ever again. Obviously didn't mean it that much then...!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

There are two issues here. It may be helpful to treat them separately.

- You need sleep. This is the easy one. Do you have a pump? Pump after every feeding and put some milk by. Your babe is 6 months, right? At 6 months, there is very little likelihood of nipple confusion.

If you are nursing your baby every time s/he awakes, s/he might be developing or has developed a sleep association. In any event, by 6 months it is reasonable to begin telling baby that night time is for sleep. It will be challenging for the rest of the family for a few days when the baby cries to be picked up. Do it on a long weekend or something. I know not everyone is philosophically down with "letting" the baby cry. But in my opinion, it is just one step in the process of understanding that sometimes they don't get what they want. They should ALWAYS get what they need. But if they are getting loved on all day long, there is no reason that they cannot be expected to sleep at night.

Use your digital babysitter during the day. When the baby is napping, plug in the tv and use it for the older ones. Yah it blows. But you are tired! You will be that much better Mom when you have caught a nap and the program is over.

- Issue two feeling unsupported by your husband. He is not HEARING you. You say he is generally a good guy but is missing the importance of this to you. Would it be helpful to write him a letter?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

raising babies is by far the most difficult thing my wife and i have ever been through, and admittedly it was MUCH harder on her, i know this. my "however" moment here though is, as the sole "breadwinner", i had to be sharp at work, just the way it is. i had to get enough sleep so i could deal with the stresses and pressures of keeping my job so we could have a home and raise kids. she knew that going in and she was very strong during that time, but she no doubt had the same feelings you do, it understandible


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have never been good at pumping. In a good session I can get 4oz, but that is rare, usually it's 2/3oz once a day I am working on building up a stash though- slowly but surely.

Baby is 5 months. I am working through several scenarios, such as the one you mentioned (sleep association) and if by the time he hits 6 months there is still a problem, I may consider doing something. I am a very attached parent but also realistic- I have three other children to look after and this struggle is bringing me to the brink of being depressed.

OH is stubborn. When I have an issue, our fall outs always follow the same pattern. I explain, he doesn't get it/get me/thinks I'm being silly/ridiculous/over-sensitive and tries to dismiss it. I get upset/angry, and withdraw, he gets mad at me withdrawing, it all comes to a head, we talk, he NOW listens and takes time to understand. Then things are ok again. A letter might work, but only if I sat him down with me to read it, or arranged to speak to him about it after, otherwise it'd get skipped over.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> raising babies is by far the most difficult thing my wife and i have ever been through, and admittedly it was MUCH harder on her, i know this. my "however" moment here though is, as the sole "breadwinner", i had to be sharp at work, just the way it is. i had to get enough sleep so i could deal with the stresses and pressures of keeping my job so we could have a home and raise kids. she knew that going in and she was very strong during that time, but she no doubt had the same feelings you do, it understandible


I an on board with what you are saying. OH needs to be on the ball at work too, which is why I don't tend to interrupt his sleep- I don't see the point of us both being awake, it's me feeding baby and I'm fine with that on a day-to-day basis. It is very rare I wake him and ask for a hand- and even rarer he says yes.

It's more that he has NO empathy for me being tired and will rarely if ever accommodate me wanting to catch up. Even the "Saturday morning is his lie in and Sunday mine" arrangement we have, he repeatedly breaks it. We've had it since after baby was born and I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times he has simply fulfilled his half of the bargain. One morning a week is all I *have* been asking for, and he won't even accommodate that.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

tobio said:


> It's more that he has NO empathy for me being tired and will rarely if ever accommodate me wanting to catch up. Even the "Saturday morning is his lie in and Sunday mine" arrangement we have, he repeatedly breaks it. We've had it since after baby was born and I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times he has simply fulfilled his half of the bargain. One morning a week is all I *have* been asking for, and he won't even accommodate that.


and i can honestly say that, when i could, i did that for my wife. and he should too. i will also say in hindsight i was not the nurturing type when it came to the babies, i am MUCH more into their upbringing now that they are a little older and can communicate with them then i was then. not to say i didnt do what i had to (a million diaper changes comes to mind) but i probably could have done more.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

tobio said:


> I have never been good at pumping. In a good session I can get 4oz, but that is rare, usually it's 2/3oz once a day I am working on building up a stash though- slowly but surely.


Yup. Drag. But 2 oz a couple of times a day, a few days and there is one bottle that Dad can do. You rock.


> Baby is 5 months. I am working through several scenarios, such as the one you mentioned (sleep association) and if by the time he hits 6 months there is still a problem, I may consider doing something. I am a very attached parent but also realistic- I have three other children to look after and this struggle is bringing me to the brink of being depressed.


I hear you about attachment parenting. Not my thing, but I understand it. The thing is, you don't do any of your children any favors by being depressed and exhausted. For us, it was a huge benefit to the baby as well. He got more sleep, and was much happier during the day. But if any kind of CIO does not work for you, have you heard of the No Cry Sleep Solution? I have never read it. But I have heard others like it.




> OH is stubborn. When I have an issue, our fall outs always follow the same pattern. I explain, he doesn't get it/get me/thinks I'm being silly/ridiculous/over-sensitive and tries to dismiss it. I get upset/angry, and withdraw, he gets mad at me withdrawing, it all comes to a head, we talk, he NOW listens and takes time to understand.


Yuck. BUT at least you do finally come to understanding. I do still wonder if a well written letter could break that cycle? That works for DH and I sometimes. Don't know how helpful that would be to you.




> Then things are ok again. A letter might work, but only if I sat him down with me to read it, or arranged to speak to him about it after, otherwise it'd get skipped over.


Yuck!


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

See, here is where I would be mean. I would leave enough milk to make it though the night, instructions and such. He comes home, I give him a kiss, then walk about and go to a good friend's house for a nice long nap, a do not disturb messaage on my phone, and perhaps as little "pay attention kid, this is my life every minute" to him.

then i would sit him down with the OBGYN and have the DR explain how not everything works every time for every child, and how a mother is in hormone fluxuation and so still oddly emotional and needs your help to avoid the trappings of (maybe not PPD but PP emotional overload that can lead to a natural depression).

Then, lay down the law. Explain what he IS going to do, no quations asks (he gets such and such feedings while you get sleep, and you are only woken up in an emergency... tell him it's his chance to bond  )

Make rules to follow and written time schedule and such since men don't seem to pick up automatically on the need for infancy to be shared LOL

All that said.... it is at least what I dreamed would happen while I was left alone 100% of the time (he took off) and a child who would rather starve (and tried to) rather than even look at a bottle or any nipple other than mine HAAAAA I am STILL catcching up on sleep and she is 91/2 HAAAAAAA


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

woodstock said:


> See, here is where I would be mean. I would leave enough milk to make it though the night, instructions and such. He comes home, I give him a kiss, then walk about and go to a good friend's house for a nice long nap, a do not disturb messaage on my phone, and perhaps as little "pay attention kid, this is my life every minute" to him.


That is not being mean! That is effective limit setting!


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

tobio, as a mom of three I offer you NOTHING but complete compassion. What you are going through right now is so very, very, very difficult. He should be doing more and you should not feel guilty for asking. Ignore his temper tantrums and take what you need.

There is an expression my mother said as a kid that I hated, "This too shall pass." I hated it because it didn't help at all in the moment but this will pass and you will get through it and you will learn to enjoy life again and your wee little one.

Please give yourself a break and a pat on the back more often and don't feel guilty or like you're a bad mother as often (not that you are doing this but I did so I'm just dropping this here).

The only thing I did to get through the rough baby periods is think about the good things to come. Spend some time imagining that and stop imagining the brutal stabbing of your less than satisfactory husband. Also, do what woodstock suggested and set up boundaries, create scenarios that create sanity for you and don't be afraid to keep asking your husband and explain to him where you're at. He might want to get it but is as overwhelmed by the situation as you are and doesn't feel confident in dealing with the babes.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Thank you EVERYONE for the lovely kind words, although Trenton I am still envisioning the brutal stabbing of my OH, particularly after last night when I fell asleep putting baby to bed, woke up about midnight to do the feed, then OH came to bed and was horny as ever- er no actually, surprisingly I DON'T feel like it, all I want to do is sleep

Last night was a little better, I feel a bit more human. After falling asleep, I didn't get to spend much time with OH so we haven't talked although he did phone at lunch yesterday to ask if I was tired???!!!

I should get to see him later so am going to "set some effective boundaries"- just not sure what they are yet!!!


----------

