# Not sure what to make of things



## amanda07 (Mar 4, 2015)

Well I guess to start off my name is Amanda, i'm 27. Ive been married for 6 months but with my husband almost 10 years. 
My husband for the past couple years that I know of has been going online as 'fake' accounts and talking to young girls and sending/recieving nude photos. I never really had much of a problem with that until he started talking to local girls. It was constant lie after lie. "I havent used that account in months" when I can clearly see the last time he used it was just a couple weeks before, or "I stopped doing that" just to be caught again.
Well I finally stood up for myself. A couple weeks after that he told me he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not. It was a couple days before christmas. I had noticed for about a month before he was getting more distant, spending more time talking to a friend from work. Sending 'good morning' texts to this friend and staying up late to talk to her as well. And for the first year he didnt want me to go to his work chirstmas party. I went with him anyways and he spent the entire night talking and looking at her and before the night was even over started fighting with me. 
During the time where he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not he spent all his time talking to her. Offered to buy her a coat (he says it was a joke but based on the messages it wasn't.) Bought her music online and sent it to her with notes saying "because i still love you." He was looking at body jewellery online to buy her. After a couple weeks he said he wanted to be with me. It lasted a week and then he again told me he didnt want to be with me. He wasn't happy with me so it was over. After that he spent alot of time defending his friendship, convincing me nothing was going on, that it is impossible for anything to happen at work. That the way he was feeling was only because of me and no one else. He never moved out, he still slept in bed, kissed me and told me he loved me. 
After about two weeks my mom had cornered him at work and confronted him about cheating. He said he has never or would never cheat. After she had spoke to him he got extreamly mad at me. Saying this is why it wont work because i dont trust him, and i need to keep my mouth shut instead of venting. He got extreamly defensive about his friendship and again pushing the fact they are just friends. That night we made up and things were going okay. I still felt like there was something he wasn't saying so i did a little digging.
I eventually found out that well we were together he would talk to her on the phone late at night, spent one night talking to her on FaceTime for over two hours. I found nude photos of her (not sure when they were sent), he says it was a joke. I saw messages from a couple days after he said he was done with me asking her to come cuddle, asking her on a date, apologizing to her because he had to stop doing something because "the wife came down and i dont want to get caught yet", saying they should make out again, talking about how good thursday night is going to be at work and hes going to make sure he has a small amount of work to do and eventually telling her he loves her. There was also alot of 'i miss you' and 'you looked amazing today' and calling her hun. 
I confronted him about the kiss. At first he tried to lie his way out saying it was a joke but eventually came clean. He said it meant nothing, he did it because he was mad at me, it happened at work and it lasted maybe 20 seconds and there was no tounge. he said nothing happened before that and nothing happened after that. They both realized it was a mistake and they were just friends. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, that the kiss meant nothing it just happened for no reason. He then told me that her and him are going to stay friends and keep talking and i need to get over it like he did. ( I cheated on him over 5 years ago, I told him right away and gave him the option of leaving, i gave up my freedom to prove it wasn't going to happen again and worked to gain his trust.) He keeps saying what he did isnt as bad as what I did so i need to forget it. He won't let me read the converstations between the two of them. He says thats him giving up the little bit of freedom he has. 
I still feel like it was more then just a kiss. I feel like there was something bewteen the two of them for awhile and thats why he acted the way he did to me and thats why he got confused. I still feel like hes lying about something. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Should I just drop it and believe what he says?
Thank you to anyone that reads this and any input would be appreciated.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

hey, so you have no kids, and you havent been married long? 

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and do what you have to do to become independent from him. work-school-activities...whatever it is you love, go out and do it and separate yourself from him. 

Ive been with my husband for 8 years, and I overlooked and listened to his ridiculous lies and logic behind why he did the things he did. It gets you nowhere. You have to realize something, people who cheat and lie aren't going to tell you the truth while they are doing it. They are in a haze, and this is something aside form you, it all has to do with their lack of security in themselves. my life has gotten more complicated over the years with him not easier. It has caused me to compromise my own beliefs and value in order to "get back" at him. 

Basically what im trying to tell you, you have enough evidence.


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## amanda07 (Mar 4, 2015)

We have two kids and a third on the way. Legally we havent been married long but weve been living together for almost 9 years.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

amanda07 said:


> We have two kids and a third on the way. Legally we havent been married long but weve been living together for almost 9 years.


ohhh, ok. Are you in therapy?


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## amanda07 (Mar 4, 2015)

No i'm not.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

amanda07 said:


> My husband for the past couple years that I know of has been going online as *'fake' accounts* and talking to *young girls* and sending/recieving nude photos. *I never really had much of a problem with that*



WTF?!?!?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You cheated on him, he cheated on you. This is a mess.

Therapy for both of you is my recommendation.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

amanda07 said:


> Well I guess to start off my name is Amanda, i'm 27. Ive been married for 6 months but with my husband almost 10 years.
> My husband for the past couple years that I know of has been going online as 'fake' accounts and talking to young girls and sending/recieving nude photos. I never really had much of a problem with that until he started talking to local girls. It was constant lie after lie. "I havent used that account in months" when I can clearly see the last time he used it was just a couple weeks before, or "I stopped doing that" just to be caught again.
> Well I finally stood up for myself. A couple weeks after that he told me he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not. It was a couple days before christmas. I had noticed for about a month before he was getting more distant, spending more time talking to a friend from work. Sending 'good morning' texts to this friend and staying up late to talk to her as well. And for the first year he didnt want me to go to his work chirstmas party. I went with him anyways and he spent the entire night talking and looking at her and before the night was even over started fighting with me.
> During the time where he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not he spent all his time talking to her. Offered to buy her a coat (he says it was a joke but based on the messages it wasn't.) Bought her music online and sent it to her with notes saying "because i still love you." He was looking at body jewellery online to buy her. After a couple weeks he said he wanted to be with me. It lasted a week and then he again told me he didnt want to be with me. He wasn't happy with me so it was over. After that he spent alot of time defending his friendship, convincing me nothing was going on, that it is impossible for anything to happen at work. That the way he was feeling was only because of me and no one else. He never moved out, he still slept in bed, kissed me and told me he loved me.
> ...


Dear amanda07,

Your feelings are correct -- there is more to this than a kiss and your philandering husband is most decidedly lying to you. No, you're not crazy and, no, you shouldn't _"just drop it and believe what he says."_ Now, having answered your questions, let me explain what is going on.

At the very least, your wayward husband (WH) is engaged in what is known as an emotional affair (EA) -- that's when a married person becomes romantically attached to someone other than his or her spouse. EAs are a form of cheating (see, e.g., Emotional Affair: Is It Cheating?).

However, given that your H admits to having kissed the other woman (OW), it is more likely that this is really a physical affair (PA). In fact, since he's proven himself to be a liar, if he admits to having kissed her then it is very likely that he's done much more with her, up to and including having had sex with her. Thus, you would be foolish to treat this as anything other than a PA.

It's pretty obvious what it going on in your husband's mind. Since you cheated on him, he feels entitled to cheat on you (he's not, see below). And, since you have repeatedly let him get away with behavior that he knows most women would not tolerate, he believes he can do what he likes with the OW without any consequences.

If you wish to save your marriage, you need to convince him to stop cheating on you and start treating you like the only woman in his life. There's only one way to do this -- let him know that the only other option he has is to end up divorced with limited access to his children and forced to pay you alimony and child support and to give you half of any money or property that he owns.

Trust me, nothing short of the marital _'nuclear option'_ will cause your WH to stop fooling around and start treating you like his wife and the mother of his children. So hire an attorney, file for divorce and let him know that you are going to take him for everything he's worth unless he can convince you that he will never cheat again.

There are lots of other threads on TAM/CWI that discuss what a betrayed wife (BW) should expect of her cheating husband before she forgives him. Here are a few fairly recent ones that I recommend you read:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/232370-blossoms-road-recovery-reconciliation.html​http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/229434-has-destroyed-me.html​FB Message I saw on Husband's Phone​BTW, the fact that you cheated on him five years ago is not relevant as long as he forgave you and you have remained faithful since then and done your very best to help him recover from your infidelity. I gather this is the case, since the two of you are still having children.

Wishing you the best.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

He had his chance to deal with your cheating back in the day when it happened. Instead he chose to forgive and reconcile.

This does not give him an excuse to cheat lie and destroy the marriage as he sees fit.

Given his attitude and lack of remorse and intent to remain friends with her i would filing for divorce and ensuring he is served at work.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

CincyBluesFan said:


> WTF?!?!?



my thoughts exactly. Loose morals sinks ships


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

why are you good with him chatting with young girls through fake accounts ?

Something isn't adding up here .


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Dual cheaters.....just split up. Neither of you really respect the other.


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## amanda07 (Mar 4, 2015)

I guess i should have worded that part differently. I was never good with it or okay with it. I had told him that before each time he was caught. I never viewed it as cheating but more of a minor problem in our relationship. I let him know over and over again that it was something he shouldnt be doing. It didnt become a major problem to me until it involved friends and local girls.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

The recommendations for therapy for both of you are good.

You both need to sit down and answer these questions:

Do I want to be with you and only you for the rest of my life?

If yes, then.. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen?

If either one of you answer anything other than Yes and Yes, then you don't stand a chance. If you both answer yes, then you both need to stop playing games and set boundaries and enforce them. If you can't respect each other's boundaries or stay within your own, then it's not going to work.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

It is commendable that you owned your $hit when you betrayed him and told him so he could decide whether to stay married to you or not BUT as the others have said, that doesn't mean he gets a "hall pass" for your betrayal IF he chose to reconcile with you and continue with the marriage.

I suspect you still feel remorse and guilt for your betrayal, but you don't have to tolerate this blatant and disrespectful behavior of betrayal from him. If he wants to chase other women, then he has to file for divorce, and not expect that you should tolerate a one sided open marriage that benefits only him.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

With both of you cheating, there's definitely something wrong in the relationship. It's telling that the romance isn't fulfilling for either of you.

Putting that aside, you're right to think what you're thinking, and it's wrong that he's lying. 
Do you still want to be with him?
Can you trust him?

In my opinion, trust and communication are the most important aspects in a relationship. Without one or both, it'll spiral downhill rather quickly.

If you feel that you could trust him and would like to try again, then work on that communication and become friends again. Go on a few dates and see what happens.

If that trust cannot be obtained, perhaps it's best to consider a divorce.
I wish you all the best and I hope this helped.


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