# Lost with out her



## ADB77 (Jun 12, 2017)

I have been separated from my wife now for 9 months after being with her for 10 years and will be married to her for 3 years this September. She is 32 and i am 40.
I had a pretty bad life from the age of 16 till 22 and its messed me up in the head. My wife is the only person up till now that i have opened up to and told her of my past.
A few years into the relationship and i got hooked onto porn and this caused a huge argument and i promised i would never do it again. Our sex life started to dwindle after being together for about 5 years and again i turned to porn as i didn't want to cheat on my partner and ended up getting more addicted. I also was using online sex chat sites and was hooked on talking about sex and looking at sexual images and ended up texting women as well about sex. No intention of ever meeting anyone as i loved my partner. She found out about it and kicked me out of the house. After 3 months of being apart she forgave me and i moved back in and promised this would never happen again. We got married in 2014 and was the best day of my life and was with the one person i truly cared about. However i started back on looking at porn and sexual images and talking with couples about sex. I kept going on at my wife that i wanted to see her with another man. She agreed to go to a swingers club with me and loved it there, however she wouldn't play with another man but wanted to try another woman. She played with this woman and i sat and watched and loved it, this happened a couple of times. I found myself getting more and more addicted to porn and images that it got to the point i was looking at it 6 to 7 times a day. Our sex life was going down hill and on the odd occasion we did have sex i could never stay hard. I was more interested in looking at porn and finding my next hit and started looking for more kinkier and fetish stuff. Then i made the biggest mistake of my life. We was on holiday with her sister and my brother in law and been there just over a week and i hadn't had my fix. I was in the toilet and her sister had left her phone in there and unlocked and stupidly i went through it and found some pics of her sister in underwear. With out thinking i sent the pictures to my phone. I didn't see her sister in the pic, just a sexual image. My wife found out when we got home and asked me what i had done with her phone and i was honest and told her i had made a mistake and i shouldn't have done it. She kicked me out of our home and for the first couple of months i was begging and pleading with her and writing letters to say how sorry i was. I knew i needed help with my addiction and went along to sex addicts anonymous and also got counselling for my past and have been going for the last 7 months. I have also completed the healthy minds course. Since getting the help i needed, i found out i am bi polar and have a chronic mental health disorder. Im on the path to recovery and haven,t looked at porn for 7 months and on medication that is helping me and i have let go of the sexual abuse i suffered in the past. I haven't seen my wife since Christmas where we had a long chat and she told me she still loves me and cares for me but can never be with my again as the trust has gone and can't be rebuilt. Since that chat we haven,t spoke or texted. Then at the end of May for my 40th birthday i got a text of her wishing me a happy birthday. I replied back later that day to say thank you and that i hoped she was well and i haven,t heard from her since.
I miss my wife so much and i am lost with out her. She,s my best friend and i know i have hurt her and she has lost all trust in our marriage but i never meant to hurt her or loose her. I can justify what i have done and know i have truly messed up but i miss her so much. I don,t know what to do to save my marriage. She wont see me or speak to me and doesn't believe i have had a mental health problem or an addiction. I am a lot more happier with my life now and no longer blame myself for my past and have changed so much since having my counselling but as she wont see or speak to me, she doesn't know how much i have sorted my life out for myself but also to save our marriage. She hasn't filed for a divorce as far as i am aware but has told my sister we are never getting back together. 

Sorry for the long rant. Any advice will really help as i want to save my marriage and build a strong and happy future with my wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To be honest, I don't think that you can save your marriage. It would take your wife such enormous emotional energy to ever even try to have a relationship with you. It would most likely her to much.

While you have made a lot of changes in yourself over the last few months, it has only been a few months. These sorts of changes take years to solidify.

You are going to have to love her enough to let her go.

At this point you need to be putting your attention on yourself and continuing to fix yourself. You need to love yourself enough to take care of yourself.

I do have a question. Do you work? I wonder because you said that you used porn 7, or so, times a day every day. How can you do that if you have a job?


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

I was in a very similar situation - but I was the betrayed wife. I was married to a sex addict and a porn addict. I can honestly tell you that what you have done has inflicted very deep pain for her. The pain cannot be undone or erased. You betrayed her trust in you. Trust is very, very, very, very difficult to earn back. From what I have read about sex addiction/porn addiction, it can take years to recover and recovery needs to be for the rest of your life. Addicts in general are known to have a relapse eventually. This is so tough because you can never fix what you have done to damage the marriage. Things will never be the same. Sounds like she took the high road. I wouldn't bet on winning her back. Hopefully you will continue your path to recovery - regardless if you two get back together or not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*At this juncture, you most definitely need IC(individual counseling) in the worst way!

And while it may not effectively save your marriage, it will offer a far better possibility of saving you from your habits!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's not interested right now. Maybe some day she will be again or she may never be. That's obviously up to her. Focus on yourself and your recovery.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ADB77 said:


> i want to save my marriage and build a strong and happy future with my wife.


You no longer have a wife. You need to understand this and move on. If you're lucky you'll find another person who you can be with and never betray. But first, figure out how to be happy just by yourself. You do not need someone else to make you happy - that's a recipe for disaster. People who aren't happy being alone can never really be happy with someone else, so figure that out first.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

You need to focus on yourself and not your wife right now. Work on becoming the man you could be and if it's meant to be, you will get back together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread. Closing.


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