# Trying to manage my feelings



## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

A few months before her fortieth, My STBX asked for a divorce in the autumn of 2014, but we took our time to sort out our feelings and the practicalities of the divorce. During this time, I took the opportunity to address some of my flaws that contributed to the break up of the marriage. I made mistakes along the way, but by and large, I acted as the husband she had always wanted me to be: appreciative and supportive of her needs. I read a bunch of marital help books, listened to courses, etc. Learnt a lot about myself and about our marriage.

I made the mistake of taking on all the responsibility of the marital problems. At first, I looked for a place to live, but realised it was she that wanted the clean slate and I liked our house so I borrowed money from my family and bought her out. I helped her pack and even did some renovations on her new flat. She was very happy. I realise that if I had wanted to reconciliate I might have done things differently, but at the time, I felt I owed it to her for having put up with me. 

The divorce was as fair and compassionate as it could possibly be. We even had a love life until the last weekend, and it might have been the most intimate sex we have ever had. And then she moved out to find herself.

Until a few weeks ago, I might have described our relationship as being as friendly as it always was, except without the sex and the living together. 

The thing about my wife is that she has a need to have control and to make sure that her family is safe. In the weeks after the final separation, she used to come into my house and inspect, rearranging or tidying up if necessary. Once she went upstairs, moved a carpet from one room to another and came down looking a bit sheepish. Pretty soon, I asked her to stop and she got better, but can't help the occasional tidying of papers. 

I travel with work and I have always called in from the hotel. Being divorced, I didn't feel the need to do that anymore, but we had a bit of a dicussion because she had called me up and I hadn't answered so she thought I might have been in an accident. 

Little things here and there, but overall a pretty good post divorce relationship and tight co-parenting.

This changed a couple of weeks before Christmas. It was my week with the kids, I was at home, sick. She called me up to tell me about events at her work, never asked me about me and I didn't volunteer (or get a word edgewise). She contacted me a little later to ask me to remind my daughter about a TV program they were both interested in later that night. I replied that she shouldn't count on me to remind our child and that she should do it herself. 

So she texted them and discovered from that the mobiles of both children were at my place (from Squadbuddy). Her controlfreakery took hold and she started ringing the phones to try and contact the children (both of which were still at school). Texted her to tell her to either trust me with the children on my week or to sue for full custody of them if she couldn't. 

Except that she misread that as me wanting full custody of the kids and went into panic mode and asked me to stop threatening her with taking her kids away. 

Losing her kids is her worst nightmare and it bothered me greatly that she would think I would stoop so low as to threaten her with that. 

The next week, she accused me of always criticising her, and the gates broke for me. I feel that I have proved myself this year and continue to prove myself. I don't need gratitude from her, but the acknowledgement that I am not a complete ****. And some respect wouldn't go amiss.

I initiated no contact, deleted her number from my phone, unfriended her, kicked her out of my life as much as shared custody would allow. She wrote me a very emotional email about promising to do everything to earn my trust again.

I did have to go to Xmas at her place, but only for the present opening. New Years was at my place and the kids invited her and her parents and we had a nice time together with the fireworks. I decided to forgive her as she clearly has issues and that our marriage broke up partly because of her problem with trust and control and the fact that she has never really respected me (her words and her own admission) as a man.

However, my desire to have her back has diminished to the point of not really remembering why I loved her in the first place. I can't remember what it was that drew me to her (apart from looks). Christmas has been tough though, I won't deny it, but I am getting through it.

Just as I am trying to be a grown up and forgive, she does it again. We have agreed that I will take the kids on Friday and they will come to me on Thursday night. However, she texts me asking if I can look after one child on Thursday as she is taking the other to a basketball match. ON MY ****ING NIGHT!

Had she asked me if she could take the other child to the game, I would have said yes, of course. The other child loves basketball games, and I would not deny it to her. I can't say no now, because it would crush the other child.

I called my wife on it, telling her she should have asked me permission to take the other child out. Her answer is that she forgot, no more. No apology however. 

This is one of the things that has angered me many times over the course of our marriage. She makes decisions that affect the both of us without consulting me. 

Anger and indignation is threatening to consume me again like it did over Christmas and I don't know what to do about it.


Anyway, this has been a long post. It has been a long time coming and the fingers tapped away at a furious paste. Thanks for reading and commenting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My observations, relative from my experience:

Your wife is someone that CANNOT SAY THEY'RE SORRY! Mine was as well. They can heap blame by the train car load on others, but accept NO BLAME on themselves. Even when clearly in the wrong, they cannot accept blame, or give you an "I'm sorry" and actually mean it.

This is one of the revelations I had once I accepted that my cheating wife was history, and that my life must go on. I had a lot of guilt, like you, over the small things I wasn't doing and the way I was neglectful of her at times. I never cheated, was loyal, never was physical with her, always responsible, and was in retrospect a decent/good husband the last few years of our marriage. The first few years of our 18 year relationship, I was at times a complete arse. But I owned it and although she blamed ME for causing HER TO CHEAT, I told her I would take care of whatever problems she had with me and that I didn't want a divorce if she'd stop the online sexting and sending of vulgar pics and whatever else she was doing that she never owned up to. She has yet to show remorse for what she has done, and what she still does.

I suspect that you owned your ****, but she never will. You are likely better off letting her go and finding a woman that is more normal and not so self-centered. A woman that can SAY SHE IS SORRY, when she screws up. I suspect you would have been a much different husband to start off with, if your wife would have ever acknowledged YOUR feelings and YOUR beefs with her behavior in the past. But I suspect you never felt your feelings were validated and it was because she'd never say she was sorry in a way that made you feel she meant it.
That's a huge thing to me.

I wish you well in finding that person that you feel like makes you a better person, and perhaps a better husband. You will see yourself in a whole new light.


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## happygolucky77 (Dec 28, 2015)

That was a big problem with my STBEX never admited when she was wrong or say sorry..Little things i would let fly but big things bothered me and caused arguements..We are soon to be divorced, i tend to think of the good things of us but conversations like that bring up the worst of our relationship and why it was best she ended it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your relationship reminded me of my first marriage. We were married for 25 years, sexual up until he left. He was still wanting to "check in" and be "friends" and sending mixed messages. 

Finally, I kept it short and sweet. Often, I did not answer calls and did not answer personal questions. Gradually, he moved on with another woman (EA woman). 

His difficulty was letting go of the good/secure parts of the relationship. In the long run, it was hurtful to me to allow him to touch base.

6 years later, we are close but not in much contact. He will always be a part of my life and I love him dearly. However, hes not my husband anymore and I have moved on....well the second marriage is another story.

------------------------------------------

Let her go. Be firm.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Your post reminded me of the first year or two after I was divorced (in 2007) and experiences in co-parenting. We share 50/50 custody.

You are divorced for a reason; don't expect those things about your ex that led to the divorce, to change - because they won't. 

I will tell you that it gets better over time, though, so hang in there.

What you have to do is set VERY specific rules/boundaries (such as, one parent MUST consult the other and ask permission before making plans for one of the children on their off-week) and then when those rules are broken, address it - being as UNEMOTIONAL as possible. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT all of the times the rules are broken. Put the rules in writing, if they aren't already (a co-parenting agreement that you both sign). If the rules keep being ignored or broken, that is when you have ammunition to go to an attorney and re-visit custody, if that is your wish - or whatever you feel is best for your kids in this situation. Even if you don't wish to change custody, if this keeps happening you may feel the need to have the rules reiterated by a judge for the sake of your kids, because it's not in their best interest to have inconsistencies and/or arguments between their parents about custody.

Just don't get drawn into the old arguments about this stuff. Refuse to engage in arguments. Keep communications formal and brief. Document when rules are broken. Let her know you are doing this. I guarantee that over time, things will improve.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you have to be willing to set boundaries. Be willing to say "no, we already have plans".


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Doktorn,

Was your wife the child of an alcoholic parent?


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## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

Thanks for all the wise comments.

I do need to set boundaries, but she isn't the child of an alcoholic parent. But she does come from a very risk averse family. Everything is seen to carry a risk, and as my XW gets older she becomes more and more wary of risks and accidents. 

Last week (my week), she'd heard about the children having a safe word so that if a stranger ever asked to come because their parents were unavailable, they'd need to give my children the safe word before my kids would go with them. She asked me if it was a good idea and I told her yes (although the chances of both of us being incapacitated at the same time are somewhat low) if it made her feel better. So she asked me if I could let her know what word I'd decided on when I told the kids. I replied that if she wanted a safe word, she could do it in her week. It's a dumb little things, but it bothers me.

This week she bought my daughter a bunch of shirts she could have at my place. On the one hand, it is nice of her to buy things for my daughter when she needs things, on the other hand it is my house they are for. Shouldn't I be the one doing the buying?

I dunno. I really need to get my emotions under control, because this is all so petty. They were under control during all the major life changing events, but not now. The dam broke before Christmas and I can't hold the waters back. 

Thanks anyway for the stories and the comments!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you changed the locks yet?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Doktorn said:


> Thanks for all the wise comments.
> 
> I do need to set boundaries, but she isn't the child of an alcoholic parent. But she does come from a very risk averse family. Everything is seen to carry a risk, and as my XW gets older she becomes more and more wary of risks and accidents.
> 
> ...


Sounds like it's time to end the make believe and time to get real.


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## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Sounds like it's time to end the make believe and time to get real.


What do you mean?
Am I make believing or exaggerating? 
Could be.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Doktorn said:


> What do you mean?
> Am I make believing or exaggerating?
> Could be.


Have you had any therapy?

When I read what you've written, it seems you simply stuffed your emotions and disappointments and are largely in denial about them.

The dam is breaking now (holidays will do that) and it's time for you to get some help.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@Doktorn, being newly divorced myself, I'm learning that it takes a long time to get past the reality of it, and it also takes time to re-learn how to interact with the former spouse. There's a learning curve, almost an experimental period. Mine texted me this week, and I texted a couple of things back, and he called, and we were on the phone for an hour. He filled me in on my stepkids, and we talked about the stuff I sent the grandkids for Christmas, and he told me what he sent oldest son for his birthday, which was yesterday. It felt normal to be talking to him about the kids and catching up, but it didn't create any sense in me that he was reaching out or reconnecting or wanting to come back. It was just a little glimpse, a little window, into a shared sense of the lives of the people we'd been involved with for 20 years. I realized that yesterday I woke up missing him a little bit, but it was worth it, since the conversation broke the ice (my lawyer was pretty tough and passed on some stuff to him during negotiation about how chitty h had been during my mother's funeral, and some other things; my lawyer is the type to grind somebody's d!ck in the ground if she feels it is called for), and we have a way of going forth being friendly and can put the adversarial stuff behind us.

But every post-divorce relationship requires some fine-tuning, and like everything else in this journey, you sort of have to figure it out as you go along. 

I do think you're wise not to let your ex-wife continue to act in ways that affect your family as though she's still de facto the wife and mommy, and I think your instincts about requiring some boundaries and some communication and agreement, rather than assumptions on her part, are good. The reality is, though, she probably hasn't thought through what divorce means in terms of her role and how it has changed, and like everything else, boundaries will help her understand that her role HAS changed vis-a-vis you and your co-parenting, which is also now different than before. 

Hang in there. I think what I notice, and I think what is a good thing, is that you don't get emotional and mad. You're not devoid of emotion about it, but the annoyance and the frustration of her inability to see that roles has changed means you've detached and accepted the situation, fairly quickly (and that's healthy) in my opinion, but there will be a learning curve on this whole post-divorce communication thing. 

I'm confident you'll figure it out.


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## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Have you had any therapy?
> 
> When I read what you've written, it seems you simply stuffed your emotions and disappointments and are largely in denial about them.
> 
> The dam is breaking now (holidays will do that) and it's time for you to get some help.


Yeah. I came to that conclusion this week. I am looking at therapists in my area. 

Thanks for your insight and support.


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## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> @Doktorn
> 
> I'm confident you'll figure it out.


Thank you. This helps a lot.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Sucks that your wife doesn't know how to apologize. I think you are doing the right thing by blocking all contact with her unless it's about the kids. Are you two going to end up going through marriage counseling or are you going for a divorce?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Doktorn,

It usually helps to understand this sort of thing, but it's quite common.

People that are unable to take responsibility and apologize often have a form of PTSD. It could be from an alcoholic parent. It could be from neglect, adoption, physical or sexual abuse, or any number of factors.

Emotionally... these people actually feel (notice I didn't say think) that if they take the "blame" that swift harsh punishment is coming. So, they feel unsafe in conflict and a vigorous hostile defensiveness is their modus operandi.

If you spot this sort of thing BEFORE getting married (ah, to be so wise), it would be a great signal that it's time to move on. The fact that you are now already divorced and just seeing these things prompted my comment that it's time to get real.

Your ex has serious issues. They're not your problem anymore, but in a way they are. It helps to understand them.

For example, the BEST I can ever get from my wife is when I have her dead to rights and she'll offer that the issue between us was 50% her and 50% me.

In my heart, I hear that as an apology - because I know who and what she is.


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