# Update



## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

My previous post is here, sorry if it seems like it's too soon to post again, but I have an update (and yes, I have ordered The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay)









Wife tried for a few weeks, then stopped.


I've posted on here before (under a different name) about my wife. I spoke to her about how I feel like she doesn't spend time with me, or even seem interested in me, even though she says she is and thinks about me all the time. I told her that it seems weird that I have to make the first move...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





First, I asked my wife if she was cheating and she said no. I believe her, but will also continue to be on the lookout for signs that might tell me otherwise. I did get her to tell me why she doesn't seem to act like she is attracted to me, and now I am even more lost as to what I should do.

The most recent reason she has given me for not acting on her attraction is because she doesn't have time to act on it. If she takes a long time, I bring it up. If I'm in a bad mood, she doesn't act on it. This would make sense, except for the fact that I have waited weeks for her to act on it before, and I have also worked on not being in a bad mood (mostly because she never initiates) and that hasn't worked either. 

Anyway, after our most recent conversation about it, I am mostly finished with the whole ordeal. I haven't made a move towards her, I haven't even really acted like I want to be around her, because I don't. She said before she was going to work on this stuff and take it seriously because it's important, but it's obvious it isn't important to her. Last night I made dinner, I got our child to sleep, and then we watched tv on the couch from 10pm until midnight. Then she said "how about I give you a handjob tomorrow night?" To which I replied, I don't care. And I really don't. I didn't seem interested then, and I'm not interested now. I don't want pity, I want assurance that this marriage and the sexual aspect of it is worth working on, and I'm not getting that. So tonight, IF she tries to do anything, I feel like I'm just going to turn her down because I don't care. Realistically, she'll fall asleep sitting up on the couch, probably watching tv with a bowl of cereal in her lap, and I'll go to bed. I can't imagine being into any sexual activity tonight, because she has a set of parameters as to how I should be before she can find me attractive. The last time she touched me on her own, she fell asleep. Three times. Each time I told her to go to bed, and each time she didn't, and fell asleep again. That doesn't make me very enthused about our relationship.

The issue now is finding out what rules she lives by that would make me attractive at any given point. I feel like I'm a catch, right? I am good looking, I am muscular (even though I need to lose a little weight, based solely on my own opinion of myself) I work, I take care of the house, I'm a good dad and a thoughtful husband, I'm smart, college educated, funny, and have no problem attracting attention of other women. I have hobbies that I am passionate about, and I am continually working on improving myself. If I have to carry around a clipboard and check off a list of items that make me attractive to her at any given point, it's not worth it, because if one item isn't checked, it's game over. To hear her tell it, I'm her dream man. But her actions say otherwise. 

I'm not getting much of a response from her in general. I don't mean that she doesn't talk to me, or that she acts like anything is wrong, but I don't feel the connection that used to be there. 

Can anyone help me with a timeline? So if you were me, how long would you wait to see if things actually are changing? I've been lenient because we have had some crazy stuff happening, but nothing involving our immediate family, or anything that won't be/isn't being resolved. I sure as hell don't feel like being a maid service or a roommate in my own house. Should I just start going out and getting attention from women again to make her understand that she could lose me? She was much more involved in sex when she knew I was attractive to others. Having said that, I also don't want to be a ****, and that sounds like ****ish behavior. Should I stop paying attention to her? We still have sex every Saturday night, but I feel more and more like leaving those nights and going camping or fishing or whatever. I'm at a loss.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

See if she’s willing to go with you to a marriage counselor or sex therapist. If she is willing to go, at least that would show you it is important enough to her to work on it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

From what you wrote - it seems like you want her to want you. That’s understandable.

it seems like your goal is intimacy and to feel close to her in order to have sex…yet she is distant and only offers acts of sex that don’t involve intimacy.

if that’s true and you expect it to change - ask her if she sees it ever changing.

if she doesn’t - then it’s not a good match - and she is simply wasting your time because you will be unfulfilled in the marriage and will become resentful.

if she doesn’t plan on meeting your needs - divorce her now… she holding a spot that could be filled by a gal that really WANTS to be your partner by feeling close to you.

I don’t think she intends to. A gal who sleeps like that on a couch is purposely avoiding being with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I sense a serious depression, plagueing her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

omega1814 said:


> First, I asked my wife if she was cheating and she said no. I believe her, but will also continue to be on the lookout for signs that might tell me otherwise. I did get her to tell me why she doesn't seem to act like she is attracted to me, and now I am even more lost as to what I should do.
> 
> The most recent reason she has given me for not acting on her attraction is because she doesn't have time to act on it. If she takes a long time, I bring it up. If I'm in a bad mood, she doesn't act on it. This would make sense, except for the fact that I have waited weeks for her to act on it before, and I have also worked on not being in a bad mood (mostly because she never initiates) and that hasn't worked either.
> 
> ...


Her sex drive isn't going to change except that as you get older you might have a peak late 30s or 40s. Otherwise, it is likely going to go down. You're having sex once a week. Maybe you should look at something from another thread about frequency in relationships. You need to put this into perspective. 









How often is "regular" for couple to have sex?


Makes no sense too me. Why stay? It doesn't make sense to us either. He says the dynamics of the things they have, like house, toys, land and so on., she pays the bills, as all extra is up to her where is spent! They both make good money with a house payment under $1000 a month. They live...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

omega1814 said:


> My previous post is here, sorry if it seems like it's too soon to post again, but I have an update (and yes, I have ordered The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't know what the issue but I'm not buying her 'reasons' etc any more than you are.

To me, this is a huge red flag:
"_To hear her tell it, I'm her dream man. But her actions say otherwise._"

Maybe it's depression or who knows what but she is obviously lying in words or in deeds.

I suggest 1 of 2 things immediately.
- Marriage Counseling
- Seperation and prep for divorce.

You can talk to her all day long but there are no real reasons for her to figure out her end of things.

And maybe those 'things' that are wrong are because of you, who knows? But unless there is a professional person helping, or severe consequences, what motivation is there to work harder? You haven't done anything so far except complaint so why would she expect you to do anything now?

I suggest counseling if you both will do it. Marriages and people shouldn't be throw-away.
But don't get into a situation where 20 years later a miserable you wonders why you didn't leave.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

omega1814 said:


> Anyway, after our most recent conversation about it, I am mostly finished with the whole ordeal. I haven't made a move towards her, I haven't even really acted like I want to be around her, because I don't. She said before she was going to work on this stuff and take it seriously because it's important, but it's obvious it isn't important to her.


Have you expressed to her that she loses credibility with you and herself when she says she is going to work on it yet nothing changes? In that, rather than saying she is going to do something, that you need to see it in action for it to matter? And then, do you know what she means by 'work on this stuff and take it seriously' as opposed to what you might interpret, in terms of what that tangibly looks like?



omega1814 said:


> Last night I made dinner, I got our child to sleep, and then we watched tv on the couch from 10pm until midnight. Then she said "how about I give you a handjob tomorrow night?" To which I replied, I don't care. And I really don't. I didn't seem interested then, and I'm not interested now. I don't want pity, I want assurance that this marriage and the sexual aspect of it is worth working on, and I'm not getting that. So tonight, IF she tries to do anything, I feel like I'm just going to turn her down because I don't care. Realistically, she'll fall asleep sitting up on the couch, probably watching tv with a bowl of cereal in her lap, and I'll go to bed. I can't imagine being into any sexual activity tonight, because she has a set of parameters as to how I should be before she can find me attractive. The last time she touched me on her own, she fell asleep. Three times. Each time I told her to go to bed, and each time she didn't, and fell asleep again. That doesn't make me very enthused about our relationship.


I guess this continues from my last question. Although I acknowledge that her offering that to you (even if roles were reversed) does not sound particularly enticing in and of itself, any chance that is her interpretation of making effort? Rather than replying that you don't care, what about telling her directly what is and isn't important to you and/or relay that instead she just act on it in the moment and take it from there (if that's relevant to you)? In addition, if you haven't already, I think there's opportunity to tell her that one thing that is important to you is going to bed together (seems it's realistic based on schedules, and if that is something you'd want to see change, the reason why - and preferably from a positive perspective of being healthy for both of you in the marriage). Then see what she does.

Granted, I'm not completely up with your other thread and you may be at the point of being done talking about it. I get that. I'm just a fan of direct communication in terms of relaying that her actions don't match her words and that's no longer working for you. And of course, in this format we aren't privy to her view. Above my pay-grade from here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Hand job just say, No thanks, that is quite alright.😑

You have ordered MMSLP, also get
No More Mr Nice Guy (free download from Internet) it may fit some areas.


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