# Coping With... Anger and Lack of Closure



## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

As a continuation of the "panty" thread

I'm now experiencing frustration and anger with the continued denial. He offers nothing but wild scenarios and irrelevant blame-shifting every time I try to talk to him.

He is great at convincing me I made this all up or this is no big deal or telling me I had something to do with it, when I KNOW I didn't and I KNOW I can prove it.

Why do I want to believe him so badly? I KNOW what he is telling me is incredibly ridiculous and unbelievable. After being gone for almost two weeks there are still no texts or calls from him, indicating that he concerned at all, about me, our marriage, etc. He has ONLY contacted me regarding bills that need to be paid or rides that he needs and absolutely nothing else. He doesn't ask where I've been staying, what I'm doing, if I'm alive.... To me, that says his mind is on someone else. He claims I'm just "crazy" and he's tired of it....

Why, for the love of goodness, can he NOT address this with me in a way that seems sincere? He shuts me down when I bring it up, covers his face/eyes, has NO CONCERN WHATSOEVER, for "believing" that these panties must have been "planted". He has no interest in discovering the "truth" like I do... And yes, I do feel like it is simply because he already knows.

What am I getting out of this that I am having a hard time letting go of? And why does he tell me he loves me, without asking me to return or offering the "truth" or even just making sure I'm alive?! WHY? I feel like I think about him all day long and I never cross his mind even once... And when I know I should be thinking it's HIS LOSS, I'm grieving mine, too.... Whatever it is that I'm actually losing.....

So many have told me that I have all I need to move on. But my mind still wants absolute and definitive fact before I really feel like I can walk away with my sanity.....

And why was I doing ok until tonight....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, you could try this:-

Ask him how long he has been a cross-dresser? Point out that although this was not what you signed up for, you will attempt to accommodate his needs to dress up in lady's underwear.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

And if he can never say the words you want to hear... then what?

There is more than one way to achieve closure.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I agree with Pluto

My MC said- you can't control anyone else's actions only your own. When they won't give you the truth and it is making you crazy you have to make up your mind what you think happened and BELIEVE it. Really BELIEVE it. You don't need him to validate what you already know.

Go forward and make decisions based on YOUR truth not his. To wait for him to be honest about this event in order for you to feel peace and pursue happiness gives him way too much power. You know what you know- believe it and move on accordingly.

Easier said than done.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think the idea and need for closure is generally rooted in a persons need to be proven right, and validation from the other person that they are right, but really, how much is their validation really worth? Why place such a high value as ones emotional well being on the acceptance of one who hurt us so badly?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex was a serial cheater. He has remained unremorseful and unapologetic. Closure is something I found for myself because sometimes damages people are incapable of admitting their actions, even to themselves.


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## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I think the idea and need for closure is generally rooted in a persons need to be proven right, and validation from the other person that they are right, but really, how much is their validation really worth? Why place such a high value as ones emotional well being on the acceptance of one who hurt us so badly?


I think you hit the nail on the head, here. I do want to be proven right.

And it's because I'm doubting something that clearly would not be doubted by most people.

I can deduce that I, too, have a problem and a hand in my own misery...


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