# Facebook messaging



## scot (Jun 4, 2013)

So my wife has recently been messaging on Facebook with a new male friend that she has met from the group of friends she goes to a regular Karaoke show with. He is a mutual friend from someone that she knows. Now, since probably Tuesday last week she has been talking with him everyday. She isn't hiding the fact that she is talking with this guy. She says there just talking about random stuff. Is it just me or is it strange that she is talking with this guy everyday? It bothers me how much she is talking with him, is this wrong to feel this way? It's at least a couple of messages (when I see her typing) every hour. And the 'conversation' as I said has continued from last week. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't think it right to be having this level of communication with a guy she's just met. I brought this up, she accused me of not wanting her to have any male friends and dictating how much time she is allowed to talk with people. I'm getting really frustrated. She's keeps doing it, knowing that it's bothering me. If I need to just chill out, please let me know.


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Sounds like trouble brewing. She values her conversation with this guy more than your feelings. That is not a good thing regardless of whether this is harmless infatuation or not. I don't believe this level of communication between a married woman and another man is appropriate. Even if her interest is strictly platonic I doubt that HIS is.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

...I've read your other thread. It seems like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to act single, yet have the husband too. 
Out of curiosity, how would she react if you were texting a new female friend instead of spending quality time with her? 
Suggest that you both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - soon. Your wife is on a slippery slope.


----------



## scot (Jun 4, 2013)

She says she wouldn't have a problem with me talking with another women, because she 'trusts me'. And I must not trust her for having a problem with this, and as you read from me other post, other things. But she doesn't seem to get that they're are different rules for married and single women. And for me it's just more out of respect. Even though she wouldn't bother if I did this, I wouldn't. It doesn't matter what I say about this. I just don't know if she just doesn't get it or care? When I say that maybe to her it's innocent but to him it may not be, she says that 'not all men are like that' and apparently he has a girlfriend. And if she thought that it got out of hand and turned that way she would stop talking with him. This more than anything right now is really bothering me. Every time I turn around it seems like she's talking with him. My wife has a way of turning my reasons for being upset into being silly and then for me trying to control her. I don't think I am.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you aren't controlling or unreasonable. Many affairs start out just this way.


----------



## Treehugger77 (Jun 17, 2013)

Facebook has caused me so much anguish! It seems to me that your wife is ignoring your requests to stop talking to this new friend. I nagged my husband non-stop about his facebook "friends" . All it did was make it worse! 

He has cheated on me in the past so I do have trust issues with him. Has she cheated before? I created so many different scenarios in my head about what he said, but then I installed a keylogger on his computer to see what he was up to. I am not saying to do this but it did help prove my instincts were right.

I would see where this goes and maybe accompany her to a Karaoke night to meet him. This is where you could see their interactions and make a judgment call on each of their intentions. 

If the messaging continues at a feverous pace you might want to confront her or him. 

I wish you luck! I would also keep an eye on the cell phone bill, if she starts calling and texting him, that is not a good sign.

Keep us posted


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Scot, since her staying out clubbing on her own to 4AM is okay with you, she's expanding her boundaries to carrying on a budding relationship with OM right in front of you.

How many kids do you have?


----------



## scot (Jun 4, 2013)

She's not out clubbing, it's always Karaoke. Which as I said, I don't have a problem with as she likes to do that. And I do have a problem with her out to 4am regardless clubbing or Karaoke. And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late". She's never cheated (I know you'll say that I know of). And we don't have any kids.


----------



## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Nope, not a control issue its your boundaries and you have every right to them!

My stbx used to say the same things to me, "you don't trust me" "I would be fine if you were doing the same thing"
Did not get the married people boundaries thing.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

scot said:


> She's not out clubbing, it's always Karaoke. .



Where do they do the karaoke? The old folks home?



scot said:


> Which as I said, I don't have a problem with as she likes to do that. And I do have a problem with her out to 4am regardless clubbing or Karaoke.


Did you shut down the early AM homecomings?



scot said:


> And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late". She's never cheated (I know you'll say that I know of). And we don't have any kids.


Glad to hear you don't have kids. They complicate this stuff.

Do you read all the texts and listen to all the calls?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Karaoke takes place in a club, ergo, it is clubbing.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> She's not out clubbing, it's always Karaoke. Which as I said, I don't have a problem with as she likes to do that. And I do have a problem with her out to 4am regardless clubbing or Karaoke. And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late". She's never cheated (I know you'll say that I know of). And we don't have any kids.


I've been to Karaoke a few times in my single days. There was alot of drinking, singing...........and alot of grab a$$ing and sexual innuendo. But since you know for a FACT that she is at KARAOKE till 4 AM in the morning with a man she constantly contacts in front of your face,,,,,, YOU should start acting like a husband who doesn't take this disrespect from anybody.

If she likes Karaoke so dam much, get a karaoke set for the house and invite your friends over minus the "new friend of hers". Her lack of concern about how her actions bother you is also lack of concern for the marriage and the respect/consideration that comes along with it.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

scot said:


> And we don't have any kids.


Why aren't you going along too?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, you have every reason to be concerned. You might take a look at this site:- Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

I have male friends I've known since before I met my SO. We had never dated, and I shared their messages with my SO and introduced him to them so that they could become mutual friends. If he had had a problem with them, I would have respected his feelings and ended those friendships.

The following is a good quiz for those who may or may not be crossing the line with internet friendships:- http://www.shirleyglass.com/quizonline.php


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is heading into an affair with this guy. It is turning into an emotional affair right now and there's a good chance it can go physical if he lives close by. You need to put a stop to it and put up boundaries with her. There's nothing wrong or controlling about telling her there is no contact with this guy or any other guy she's talking to. Your wife needs to put her marriage first before anything else.

Good luck.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is having recreational fun consistent with dating... Now she is haivng private conversations.

Some things worthy of the ultimatum ... you can have this "fill in the blank" or you can have your marriage to me... 

This is one of those times. NOt a time for discussion.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your wife seems to like pushing boundaries with you. Testing the waters so to speak. I wouldn't appreciate it one bit.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

In my opinion what she is doing is definitely inappropriate. You really have to be careful in this situations because a quick flirty message here or there can suddenly snowball into "feelings". I have access to my wife's facebook page because she is always on my laptop and never logs out. I noticed that one of her friends husband sent her a facebook message about a picture she posted. It said if "I were your husband..." It was a few days old and she didn't respond. She said she didn't know what to do really. I said you should unfriend him. She did. If your wife respects you and your relationship she should do the same. A relationship with a new acquaintance should not take precedence over your feelings.


----------



## nishi_25 (Jun 30, 2013)

*Re: Your house, Your Rules *



scot said:


> So my wife has recently been messaging on Facebook with a new male friend that she has met from the group of friends she goes to a regular Karaoke show with. He is a mutual friend from someone that she knows. Now, since probably Tuesday last week she has been talking with him everyday. She isn't hiding the fact that she is talking with this guy. She says there just talking about random stuff. Is it just me or is it strange that she is talking with this guy everyday? It bothers me how much she is talking with him, is this wrong to feel this way? It's at least a couple of messages (when I see her typing) every hour. And the 'conversation' as I said has continued from last week. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't think it right to be having this level of communication with a guy she's just met. I brought this up, she accused me of not wanting her to have any male friends and dictating how much time she is allowed to talk with people. I'm getting really frustrated. She's keeps doing it, knowing that it's bothering me. If I need to just chill out, please let me know.


Its ONLY ok if you are ok with it. If you are not ok with it, you need to do something about it. She must respect you, and listen to you. You are her husband. Forbid her from using facebook, delete her account, if she does not listen. Your house, your rules. Hope this helps


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They talk every day, several times an hour?

You already know the answer, dear.

It is not good for your marriage. 

How would SHE feel if you were speaking several times an hour to a woman every single day?

Methinks she would not like it ONE bit.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Go to the coping with infidelity thread. She is trying to cheat even if she hasn't started yet. 
That's what they all say: you are trying to control me, you can't tell me who to be friends with. 
You need to put your foot down on her partying and contacting men. Totally inappropriate.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You need to c0ckblock and go with her you are her husband stop this now!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Scot ask a moderator to move this to cwi because this is an affair in the making you have to go to the next one at the very least.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

scot said:


> And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late".


You know what my passion is? Having sex with a variety of women. However, my controlling wife insists that, as a married man, I am no longer free to pursue my passion. Even if I can get home at a reasonable hour! Oh well.

Seriously, though. You made a mistake when you married a party girl. Your party girl doesn't want to give up her single lifestyle where she stays out all night drinking with other men. Now, you can insist that women who stay out all night drinking with other men are completely trustworthy, but I have a feeling that even you know you're full of crap.

So, do you want to be a cuckold? Or, do you want to either rein in your wife or divorce her? Those are your options.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

My H needed constant attention from other women and pursued them on Facebook for hours a day. I finally realized I wasn't 'possessive' or 'jealous' or crazy for having an issue with that.

Realizing he was a narcissist who cared MUCH more about attention whoring than me, I left.

My point is, that no, you do not need to chill. You need to lay down the law, imo.


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Yes, why aren't you going with her? A good marriage involves compromise. You have to do what the other person enjoys some of the time even if you don't like it. They in turn do the same for you. I have to thank you because my marriage is a mess right now but your post reminded me of the good in it. I have never had to worry about this type of issue. My husband and I set boundaries prior to getting married. We decided that it was not ok to be friends with the opposite sex or to ever go to a bar without our spouse. For this I am thankful. This has saved us a lot of headaches. We know what is expected of each other.

I recommend that you tell your wife that you don't want to keep sounding like a broken record so you would like to sit down and both discuss what boundaries are acceptable to each other as far as this type of thing and set them. Discuss what behavior feels hurtful to each of you and agree to never do those things. That may help.

On a side note, in my first marriage, my husband loved karaoke so we went 2x a week. It tends to draw the same group of people. Many of them were married but every single one of the married ones that showed up without their spouse ended up doing things they should not have and they were quite the talk of the group. Some took months for it to happen but years later, all of those individuals are divorced. You have to show interest in what your spouse enjoys even if you don't enjoy it.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Karaoke goes to 4am?

Affair probability ea at 20% and pa at 10% and rising by the day. Have a friend tail her one night. I smell another logan3.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Message the guy and tell him she's a married woman and that he needs to respect that. No threats, just matter of fact. Wife gets mad? Too bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## scot (Jun 4, 2013)

So, the night that I posted this original thread, my wife was at Karaoke with a mutual friend that was in town staying with us. I had no problem with this. I hear them get home around 2am. After about 15 minutes my wife hasn't come to bed so I get up to see where she is. She's not in the house, she's outside talking on the phone to you guessed it! I get so mad. She says it's all innocent. He's talking with her to get advice about his girlfriend problems as he's in a long distance relationship and me and my wife were once in one so she can relate to that. 

She realized it was wrong to talk with him so late and sees how it looks. She is going to stop talking with him as much. However, she is not going to stop being friends with this guy. I can't tell her who she can be friends with. I don't trust her otherwise. The whole not having friends that are opposite sex would never be something my wife would agree to. She says she just gets on better with guys and there's nothing wrong with her having male friends and its my problem.

To the point of me not going out with her to karaoke. I've gone out many times in the past over the years. When we first married I would go with her all the time. And for the last year both of us have been pretty quiet on the social scene. The last 2 months she gotten back into it. I've gone out with her to things a few times, but on week days when I have to get up early for work the next day, I can't do it anymore. I cant stay out to 2am, and survive on 4 hours sleep. 

Anyway, this has been my week!


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

scot said:


> So, the night that I posted this original thread, my wife was at Karaoke with a mutual friend that was in town staying with us. I had no problem with this. I hear them get home around 2am. After about 15 minutes my wife hasn't come to bed so I get up to see where she is. She's not in the house, she's outside talking on the phone to you guessed it! I get so mad. She says it's all innocent. He's talking with her to get advice about his girlfriend problems as he's in a long distance relationship and me and my wife were once in one so she can relate to that.
> 
> She realized it was wrong to talk with him so late and sees how it looks. She is going to stop talking with him as much. However, she is not going to stop being friends with this guy. I can't tell her who she can be friends with. I don't trust her otherwise. The whole not having friends that are opposite sex would never be something my wife would agree to. She says she just gets on better with guys and there's nothing wrong with her having male friends and its my problem.
> 
> ...


This isn't a normal marriage. This is ridiculous. If you don't like it and she's telling you flat out that she's not going to change, get a divorce...she doesn't give a chit about you.

Get it together, man. I can barely believe this is for real. Texting and phoning another man, in the dark at night, a guy she was just out drinking with all night? Come on dude...if that guy hasn't poked her yet, he's working on it. She's into that guy....no doubt.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

scot said:


> So my wife has recently been messaging on Facebook with a new male friend that she has met from the group of friends she goes to a regular Karaoke show with.
> 
> *STOP!!!* *Oh hell no. She is meeting guys at karaoke and is in contact with them. NFW. Get a grip man. This guy has made successful contact woith your wife and they took this to the next level of being in contact ths way. Hell no. How this ok?
> *
> ...


Engage this before you are back her explaining how they are sexting and exchanging photos or just that she has been coming home late. Above all do not accept her going to this guys house and hanging out.

How about she not hang out with guys on her GNO. How about you start dating your wife and rocking her world and you meeting her needs.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Aunt Ava said:


> ...I've read your other thread. It seems like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to act single, yet have the husband too.
> Out of curiosity, how would she react if you were texting a new female friend instead of spending quality time with her?
> Suggest that you both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - soon. Your wife is on a slippery slope.


I looked at the other thread. 

Looks like she is looking for some strange.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

scot said:


> She says she wouldn't have a problem with me talking with another women, because she 'trusts me'. And I must not trust her for having a problem with this, and as you read from me other post, other things. But she doesn't seem to get that they're are different rules for married and single women. And for me it's just more out of respect. Even though she wouldn't bother if I did this, I wouldn't. It doesn't matter what I say about this. I just don't know if she just doesn't get it or care? When I say that maybe to her it's innocent but to him it may not be, she says that 'not all men are like that' and apparently he has a girlfriend. And if she thought that it got out of hand and turned that way she would stop talking with him. This more than anything right now is really bothering me. Every time I turn around it seems like she's talking with him. My wife has a way of turning my reasons for being upset into being silly and then for me trying to control her. I don't think I am.


Marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by product.

I would not trust a woman who does not understand this. Yeah she ia acting single. Make your stand now.

You are over analyzing. The bottomline is that these things are unaccapetable to you. You do not have to ratonalize them.

Again, do His Needs Her Needs. Someone has an itch to scratch. Foind out what it is and you scratch it. Not some other guy. Because this is where this is going to end.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is heading into an affair with this guy. * It is turning into an emotional affair right now and there's a good chance it can go physical if he lives close by. You need to put a stop to it and put up boundaries with her. * There's nothing wrong or controlling about telling her there is no contact with this guy or any other guy she's talking to. Your wife needs to put her marriage first before anything else.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:with everything here^^^especially this.

Scott, this is actually your wife testing our manhood.
If you fail this test, no way you can get your ball$ back because there is nothing except whatever little respect she has remaining for you, tying both of you together.
This is your final stand. You loose this, you lose your wife, because she will lose all respect for you.

Firmly, but gently put a stop to all of her social activities. Sit down and both of you discuss and agree on proper boundaries and then move on.
If facebook has to stop for a while, then stop it.
If karaoke has to stop for a while, then stop it.


----------



## sosotired (Jun 8, 2013)

scot said:


> So my wife has recently been messaging on Facebook with a new male friend that she has met from the group of friends she goes to a regular Karaoke show with. He is a mutual friend from someone that she knows. Now, since probably Tuesday last week she has been talking with him everyday. She isn't hiding the fact that she is talking with this guy. She says there just talking about random stuff. Is it just me or is it strange that she is talking with this guy everyday? It bothers me how much she is talking with him, is this wrong to feel this way? It's at least a couple of messages (when I see her typing) every hour. And the 'conversation' as I said has continued from last week. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't think it right to be having this level of communication with a guy she's just met. I brought this up, she accused me of not wanting her to have any male friends and dictating how much time she is allowed to talk with people. I'm getting really frustrated. She's keeps doing it, knowing that it's bothering me. If I need to just chill out, please let me know.


No...You are right on.

Her responses are identical to those of my H's during his EA. One minute he was saying she meant nothing so he could easily their friendship. Next he was defending her and saying how wonderful she was. Another day he was back to flirting with her. Show her my message.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

scot said:


> So, the night that I posted this original thread, my wife was at Karaoke with a mutual friend that was in town staying with us. I had no problem with this. I hear them get home around 2am. After about 15 minutes my wife hasn't come to bed so I get up to see where she is. She's not in the house, she's outside talking on the phone to you guessed it! I get so mad. She says it's all innocent. He's talking with her to get advice about his girlfriend problems as he's in a long distance relationship and me and my wife were once in one so she can relate to that.
> 
> She realized it was wrong to talk with him so late and sees how it looks. She is going to stop talking with him as much. However, she is not going to stop being friends with this guy. I can't tell her who she can be friends with. I don't trust her otherwise. The whole not having friends that are opposite sex would never be something my wife would agree to. She says she just gets on better with guys and there's nothing wrong with her having male friends and its my problem.
> 
> ...


You are making bad mistakes. Men do not engage women at this level unless they want sex.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You are about to lose your wife. Listen to these people, they know what they are talking about.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

scot said:


> So, the night that I posted this original thread, my wife was at Karaoke with a mutual friend that was in town staying with us. I had no problem with this. I hear them get home around 2am. After about 15 minutes my wife hasn't come to bed so I get up to see where she is. She's not in the house, she's outside talking on the phone to you guessed it! I get so mad. She says it's all innocent. He's talking with her to get advice about his girlfriend problems as he's in a long distance relationship and me and my wife were once in one so she can relate to that.
> 
> She realized it was wrong to talk with him so late and sees how it looks. She is going to stop talking with him as much. However, she is not going to stop being friends with this guy. I can't tell her who she can be friends with. I don't trust her otherwise. The whole not having friends that are opposite sex would never be something my wife would agree to. She says she just gets on better with guys and there's nothing wrong with her having male friends and its my problem.
> 
> ...


To me your biggest problem is that she seems to have zero regard for your feelings. Basically she is choosing some random guy she just met over you and has told you that she is going to continue to do so. A decent spouse would not ignore your feelings when you sound the alarm bells. 

Also, the whole complaining about his girlfriend thing is just his way to get her to open up so that she can complain about you. Once she does that he is in. However, this is all on her because she is allowing him do this.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Scot, I 100% agree with Caribbean Man on this one.

You have the right to your opinions and beliefs wrt marriage boundaries. This is not a factual situation you are trying to resolve with your wife, i.e. how much milk is in the fridge. It is your values and your feelings.

She is also entitled to her values and her feelings.

So you are not wrong, nor is she. Though everyone here will tell you she is engaging in behavior hazardous to the marriage, and that is a difference in values between you and her.

If she came to you and said she didn't like the way you and Mrs. Smith across the street were doing stuff together, you would respect your wife's concerns even if you did not believe you were doing something wrong.

This is about the two of you prioritizing your marriage above your selves. Try explaining to her it is your boundary and your feelings which are in play. You expect a spouse to respect the safety of the relationship, thus spouses avoid relationships which may be hazardous (even if innocent at first). You also expect spouses to respect each others feelings, and to prioritize the spouse above outsiders.

Sometimes we make personal sacrifices for the family and marriage. This is one she should be happy to make, even though she disagrees with your opinion of the nature of her friendship.

FWIW, my wife is still pissed at me 2 years after firmly asking her to un-friend an ex from her facebook. So don't worry about your wife being upset at you. Do the right thing and be strong about it.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I hate to say it Scot but you are at the point where you need to have the "it's either me or him" conversation with your wife and end the separate nights out. She is in the beginning of an emotional affair, you can take that to the bank. If you don't put you foot down very soon (I mean like now), the possibility of this guy banging your wife grows by the day. I also think that a conversation with this ass-clown is in order.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Thor said:


> FWIW, my wife is still pissed at me 2 years after firmly asking her to un-friend an ex from her facebook. So don't worry about your wife being upset at you. Do the right thing and be strong about it.


Similar thing happened to me. She's still not happy about it. Ask me if I care.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Exes= toxic

My wifes EA= ex.

He was so awful they hooked up on occasion after they broke up but before she met me. Told her him or me. Being married to me is free will. I dont share.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I hate to say it Scot but you are at the point where you need to have the "it's either me or him" conversation with your wife and end the separate nights out. She is in the beginning of an emotional affair, you can take that to the bank. If you don't put you foot down very soon (I mean like now), the possibility of this guy banging your wife grows by the day. I also think that a conversation with this ass-clown is in order.


:iagree:

Your marriage should take precedence over all other relationships. If my wife came to me and said I have a problem with so and so. Whomever it was would be dropped like a bad habit (except maybe my mom or dad). Why would I want to upset the love of my life? The person I spend every day with for some random person I just met. She should not be that invested in that relationship.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

scot said:


> She's not out clubbing, it's always Karaoke. Which as I said, I don't have a problem with as she likes to do that. And I do have a problem with her out to 4am regardless clubbing or Karaoke. And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late". She's never cheated (I know you'll say that I know of). And we don't have any kids.


Karaoke till 4am ? Really ?


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

scot said:


> She is going to stop talking with him as much. However, she is not going to stop being friends with this guy. I can't tell her who she can be friends with. I don't trust her otherwise. The whole not having friends that are opposite sex would never be something my wife would agree to. She says she just gets on better with guys and there's nothing wrong with her having male friends and its my problem.


If what you say here is truly the case, and you don't, or can't change it, I see no hope for your marriage going forward, and she will cheat on you eventually, if she has not already.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*YOU *may think you have a marriage but *SHE *doesn't think so. Not an exclusive one anyway. Shut that down.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I hate to say it Scot but you are at the point where you need to have the "it's either me or him" conversation with your wife and end the separate nights out. She is in the beginning of an emotional affair, you can take that to the bank. If you don't put you foot down very soon (I mean like now), the possibility of this guy banging your wife grows by the day. I also think that a conversation with this ass-clown is in order.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::lol:


----------



## scot (Jun 4, 2013)

So, she straight up lied to me! After I found her talking with her on the phone at 2am, I now know his cell # from the usage report on our phone bill. So, he hasn't come up in a few days and I haven't noticed her messaging. I seen from our record that she spoke with him for 20 mins on Friday at noon, 20 mins Saturday morning when I was at work.... nothing y'day or today. 

We spent Saturday night together, hanging out, and I knew this at the time. I made a 'joke' about when the last time they spoke, she said she hadn't spoken in a few days! I didn't say anything, and did pretty good about keeping it in. I've decided I want to let this play out for another week or so to see if they continue to talk on the phone when I'm not around. Not sure if this is the right play?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

What is the difference if you confront her this minute or you confront her a week from now? She has already lied to you. She will have some story about why she had to talk to him because of his "issues" and did not want to hurt your feelings because it is all innocent. And then she will turn it all around and say that you don' trust her and are spying on her. And if they are having a emotional affair (or physical one) then she will mention she needs some space. 

The million dollar question is what are you going to do about her lying to you? Now that she has lied to your face are you going to believe a word she says? Sorry to be blunt but you must nip this in the bud now.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

scot said:


> We spent Saturday night together, hanging out, and I knew this at the time. I made a 'joke' about when the last time they spoke, she said she hadn't spoken in a few days! I didn't say anything, and did pretty good about keeping it in. I've decided I want to let this play out for another week or so to see if they continue to talk on the phone when I'm not around. Not sure if this is the right play?


When my wife was e-mailing her Ex, I thought about waiting a few weeks to see how it played out. That thought lasted all of 30 seconds. The play you need is ... "You lied to me and now I'm leaving you". Be assertive and decisive. If you are neither she will perceive you as weak. You've played Sherlock Holmes long enough, it's time to be Captain America and put an end to this ass clown.

Edit: Whether you realize it or not, she is emotionally cheating on you and this "friendship" has a real risk of becoming physical sooner than you think. By not taking control of this situation and make her face some real consequences for her lying and yes, cheating on you, you are encouraging a the affair to grow. There is a disaster coming if you don't take decisive action.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

scot said:


> So, she straight up lied to me!


Wait a minute. You're saying that your wife, who spends her nights drinking with other men, was actually deceitful to you? Inconceivable!



> I've decided I want to let this play out for another week or so to see if they continue to talk on the phone when I'm not around. Not sure if this is the right play?


That depends on what you're after. You should know that relationships tend to escalate over time. Being friendly leads to flirting. Flirting leads to phone conversations at 2am. Phone conversations at 2am lead to BJs in the parking lot of karaoke bars. BJs lead to bringing the other man into your bed while your husband is at work. You just have to decide where in the progression of events you want to stop it, if you even want to stop it.

I'll reiterate your choices.
1) Accept being a cuckold.
2) End your wife's single, party girl lifestyle.
3) Divorce your wife.

That's really it. And doing nothing, the way you currently are, is a de facto choice of #1. Keep that in mind.

If you really feel like you need more information on exactly how much they talk and/or exactly what they say, then put spyware on her phone and your computer. But I'll warn you. Your wife will disapprove. She will think you don't trust her. She might even say you're trying to control her. I don't know if you can handle that kind of scolding from your wife. If you can't, then don't even try to find out.

Good luck.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Scot she is lying because she knows this is not appropiate you need assuming you are not afraid to have the him or me speech. I'm sorry you asked for advice you either need to stop this or you have to move on. I hope you have this conversation sooner rather than later.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

scot said:


> She's not out clubbing, it's always Karaoke. Which as I said, I don't have a problem with as she likes to do that. And I do have a problem with her out to 4am regardless clubbing or Karaoke. And with Karaoke being her passion "it's not her fault what she loves to do keeps her out late". She's never cheated (I know you'll say that I know of). And we don't have any kids.





> *scot said: *So, she straight up lied to me! After I found her talking with her on the phone at 2am, I now know his cell # from the usage report on our phone bill. So, he hasn't come up in a few days and I haven't noticed her messaging. I seen from our record that she spoke with him for 20 mins on Friday at noon, 20 mins Saturday morning when I was at work.... nothing y'day or today.
> 
> We spent Saturday night together, hanging out, and I knew this at the time. I made a 'joke' about when the last time they spoke, she said she hadn't spoken in a few days! I didn't say anything, and did pretty good about keeping it in. I've decided I want to let this play out for another week or so to see if they continue to talk on the phone when I'm not around. Not sure if this is the right play?


The first quote is from 7/1.

The second is from 7/8.

7 days and now you see what we've been trying to tell you from the first day. Your wife is up to no good, or attempting to be. She's not the innocent you thought she was just a week ago. This relationship has become important to her, which is why she's lying to you. She wants to continue it. She's not concerned about a) you being upset about it and b) what it's doing to her marriage.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Get iron clad stuff she cant gaslight you on tho.

IE dont be RDMU.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Scot.

Maybe you should contact his girlfriend and let her know about the 2 AM phone calls and texts. See if she knows about it which I think she doesn't.

Next thing is to show her the phone record and call her on her lies. Let her know that she's on the verge of being homeless because she won't be living with you. Make sure that your looking her square in the eye when you tell her and if she starts getting all bent out of shape, let her know that this isn't a game and your in no mood to play one. Why should you care if she gets pissed off. Seems like she doesn't care if you are by her behavior.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

scot said:


> So, she straight up lied to me! After I found her talking with her on the phone at 2am, I now know his cell # from the usage report on our phone bill. So, he hasn't come up in a few days and I haven't noticed her messaging. I seen from our record that she spoke with him for 20 mins on Friday at noon, 20 mins Saturday morning when I was at work.... nothing y'day or today.
> 
> We spent Saturday night together, hanging out, and I knew this at the time. I made a 'joke' about when the last time they spoke, she said she hadn't spoken in a few days! I didn't say anything, and did pretty good about keeping it in. I've decided I want to let this play out for another week or so to see if they continue to talk on the phone when I'm not around. Not sure if this is the right play?


What exactly are you waiting for? You want to catch them fawking? 

She's a liar. She's in an emotional affair with this guy, which may have already started getting physical. Any waiting just allows things to continue to escalate. 

You have no boundaries. I guess you are afraid of being called controlling and jealous. If sticking it out with her, regardless of what she does, is your MO, even when she does these things that hurt you, but she doesn't care and tells you she won't change, I guess this is how the rest of your life will be....a continuation of this crap.

If your buddy told you the story you are telling us, what would you tell him to do? Wait or act now?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This is a tough one to navigate. Scot, she is going to gaslight, minimize, and shame you if you bring up this "minor" lie about talking to him. Cheaters seem to need to be confronted with shocking proof before they will admit to wrong doing. It has to be so compelling that there is no other explanation. 

Confronting her about this lie is not enough to get her to admit she is in some kind of affair.

On the other hand, she is definitely in some kind of affair. At least an EA. Allowing it to progress will only make it more difficult to rescue the marriage. But if you can collect more significant proof it might be more effective in a confrontation.

So imo this comes down to what your goal is. Do you want to kill any affair and rescue the marriage? Do you want to prove to her you have solid proof of an affair? Do you want to prove to others she has committed some form of infidelity?

I think it is too easy to get caught up in a game of trying to find proof. Either for yourself so you can feel justified in leaving, or to prove to others she is cheating. Most evidence is not going to be enough for either task, so you keep digging for yet another piece.

For you I think setting a hard boundary right now is a good strategy. You know she is crossing a line for you. You know she has lied about something big. This is your boundary and you are entitled to it. She doesn't have to agree with it. You don't even have to tell her the extent of what you know. You can simply set a boundary around her karaoke and who she associates with. No late nights, no going out with this crowd (they are toxic enablers), no contact whatsoever with this guy.

If you're willing to enforce the consequences, now is the time to take your stand, imo.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Oh Scot, please don't wait! Get on her sh!t yesterday. 

Man up or lose her.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Oh Scot, please don't wait! Get on her sh!t yesterday.
> 
> Man up or lose her.


Ugh, put a VAR in her car and one in the house but more importantly you have to talk to her and just say straight up him or me. Have you gone out yet with them yet or you don't want to upset her.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He already did confront and she went around him.

Get at least one piece of undeniable proof, save it in at least two safe places. Confront with a him or me.

Shes desperate enough to buy a burner phone.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sorry, Scot. She is probably already sleeping with the guy.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

scot said:


> She says she wouldn't have a problem with me talking with another women, because she 'trusts me'. And I must not trust her for having a problem with this, and as you read from me other post, other things.


wow this is so amazing that spouses involved in some strange inappropriate behaviour always have these sorts of identical responses

my wife too used to say that i must not trust, insecure, if i wanted to cheat i could do it anywhere not just in the club.....and on and on...


----------



## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Get iron clad stuff she cant gaslight you on tho.
> 
> IE dont be RDMU.


Good advice! I wish I had done this, you only get one chance to get a "hard copy"
Helps keep history from being rewriten IMHO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Rd is now a friend of mine. He would say something similar. 6 weeks of misery he went thru before confront.

Confronting is fine when you can confront hard.


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Scot,

This is simple. You need to tell her what the boundaries are. If she freaks out and calls you controlling, says you don't trust her, etc that's her problem. Maybe you laying down the law leads to counseling or maybe divorce. The only other alternative is to do nothing as you've been doing then get divorce when she starts cheating if she hasn't already. You see, you have nothing to lose by putting you foot down and putting a stop to this.


----------

