# Questions for cheating husbands.... Why did you cheat?



## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Men, can you tell me why you cheated or strayed? What were you missing from home? I am really curious what goes through your minds. I know women cheat also but I am curious. My H had a ONS & I have heard his answer but would love to hear yours.... What did the OW have to offer your wife didn't? Whay did you stray? thank you!!!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Asking the easy questions aren't you?? 

Let me start with that I believe the factors behind a ONS and EA are very different. I'm guilty of the latter. Mine was the result of a combination of things - I'm sure most are. I have self esteem issues that I had forgotten about for several years. My wife and I have been together 21 years, married 13 with a 8 year old and had just had our second child. We love(d) each other very much and were very comfortable but life had crept in. We didn't work at us, we didn't flirt, we had lost intimacy and didn't realize it. The OW was just the right person, at just the right time, in just the right manner to get past my normal boundaries and push my buttons. I was in before I even realized what had happened. So the OW temporarily showed me how much I missed the intimacy that I didn't realize was gone, how much I missed the flirting, the fun of "being in love."

Fortunately I'm married to a wonderful woman who forgave me and recognized the same issues in our marriage I just described. We used my EA as starting to point to reconnect and build a better marriage than we've ever had before.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> The OW was just the right person, at just the right time, in just the right manner to get past my normal boundaries and push my buttons.


Or, don't you mean, the OW was just the "wrong" person at the right time?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Right - wrong - the whole damn thing was wrong and screwed up backwards. So yeah, when it comes to the OW right always means wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I feel the same way about OM, Sigma. Wrong person at the perfect time. Things were NOT good at home and he baited and I fell hook, line, sucker. Stupidest thing ever.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Good question and one I am generally curious about.

Along the the same lines: for those that did cheat, did you fully believe you did not have it in you to cheat, that you were strong enough to fight temptation? Did you assure your spouse that you would never cheat on them and that you never have cheated before? 

I can see where you are more susceptible to cheating when the marriage is not going well so I am particularly interested in those that cheated where they were in a good spot in their marriage (or at least they told their spouse as much).

Hope I am not hijacking here...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Young and stupid and she spread her legs so I went all in. Not gonna lie about that. My wife at the time was great, sex when I wanted, morning BJs to wake me up everyday, very attentive to my needs. 

Cooked me lunch for work every day, was so good that I actually had friends who brought only rice to work and waited to see what my wife cooked that day for us. She actually cooked a little bit more so my friends could share since I told her that they all loved her cooking.

She was very jealous back then though, if I wasn't home by like 9PM the pager would ring off the hook and all the guys would make fun of me all the time.

Met OM at a bar, at 1st it was just paging one another with hello, then phone calls, then lunch and dinner sometimes. She was a friend that I could get along with and we were similar in what we wanted and what we liked. She was the total opposite of my wife, more open to do anything at anytime.

I worked in the family business so my hours varied and my wife was used to me working all night at times and not coming home till the next day from time to time. So it was easy at 1st to hide the affair (although at the time I considered her just a friend not realizing I was in a full blown EA).

One night we drank too much, ended up at her place. I would sleep on the floor only and wake up early and head home. And no, the OW did not know that I was married so that's 2 strikes against me trying to justify that I was in it only to be a friend with her.

Well she says just sleep in the bed it's ok. At that point all reason left and hormones took over, and there was only one thought, I'M GETTING LAID, SWEET!!!!!

And then the sex marathon began. I was getting laid almost every night from both the OW and my wife AND YES it WAS UNPROTECTED SEX, strike 3. What started out as an EA turned into a PA, but in my mind I was thinking it was more of a booty call not knowing how much I was starting to fall for this OW. I kept making excuses that it was nothing but sex, but the more I saw her the more I needed her like a drug.

Eventually it got to the point where I was not even hiding it anymore. Lipsticks in the car, panties, stockings, etc.... My wife tried to just brush it off that nothings happening hoping I would come to my senses I guess but I needed that hit more and more to the point that I wanted the OW more than my wife.

Finally after 3 months of crying and begging, my wife gave me the ultimatum, get on board with her or get the hell out and leave her alone. I was tempted but what I did not know is that my wife had been in contact with the OW as well and told her everything that I was married, blah, blah, blah.

At that point my entire world crumbled around me. I had no one left and it seemed everyone was against me. The OW told me to go home and be with my wife, she loved me but I should do the right thing. Now don't get me wrong, she was a party girl through and through and although she did love me it was a destructive path we were both on, party and get drunk almost everynight.

With no one to turn to, my wife took pity on me and took me back with one condition, no contact. Like a beaten dog I went back home with my tail between my legs, but the resentment was sky high. My wife made me lose the love of my life, made me give her up, it was her fault. For months I moped around and she had to kick me in the ass again, get on board or get out.

It took me over a year to get back into the program and how my wife stuck it out I don't know. I would have left at hearing, "I cheated on you." And since then I've made it a priority to make sure I was not the one to make our marriage a failure. If it doesn't work out, I'll know that I tried my best and hardest to do what is right by my wife and my kids.

Yes, I have had opportunities to cheat alot after that one time. My family had money and that makes it very easy for girls to try and latch on. I'm not gonna lie, at times it was tough and I was tempted but I never went through with anything.

It was especially tough when the kids were born, sex was going downhill (her breastfeeding the kids just killed her libido). There were 2 or 3 rough patches where I wanted to throw in the towel and just leave and get someone else again. But each time I had to remind myself that she sacrificed more in taking a dirty, stinking, lying, cheating husband like me back. So I stuck it out and did my best. It wasn't all roses but we're still good and I guess she loves me in her own way lol.

I can't say it'll be forever but I hope it will be with my wife. Never say never, but you can always hope for the best.

I could write an entire book on my 3 months with the affair. Maybe one day I'll make a post detailing the downfall of a husband and hopefully the recovery of one also. It might give some insight as to what and why some people cheat even though they have the perfect spouse.

Sorry for the long post BTW.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

I believe it's the along the same lines for both sexes. My wife assured me up and down that she would never cheat on me. She told me many times that she would never leave me, that I was the only man she ever wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She spent years dealing with the fact that her father abandoned her and her mother for another woman, and she hated the idea of becoming her father.

However, her reasoning was that I wasn't as emotionally invested in the relationship as I had been (and I'm sure that I wasn't), so she found a companion at work that she could vent to. Someone that she could rely on to always have an available ear. That venting and frustrating soon became flirting, which became sexting, which became kissing, which became sex. When you look at the whole thing it doesn't seem that hard to believe it would happen.

And to think, my wife always told me that me saying she would "leave me for someone better someday" was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess I was 1/2 right.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Young and stupid and she spread her legs so I went all in. Not gonna lie about that. My wife at the time was great, sex when I wanted, morning BJs to wake me up everyday, very attentive to my needs.
> 
> Cooked me lunch for work every day, was so good that I actually had friends who brought only rice to work and waited to see what my wife cooked that day for us. She actually cooked a little bit more so my friends could share since I told her that they all loved her cooking.
> 
> ...


All your wife wants is to be loved!! Sounds a bit familiar only a ons but it hurts all the same I have forgive but dam hard to forget.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... I consciously went looking to have an affair. My reasoning was that my intimacy needs were not being met at home, my wife knew that we had a problem, yet would invest in trying to solve the problem. Didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to see her doctor to rule out a physical issue, etc. So after years of declining intimacy and rejection, it seemed like my options were to put up with it, end the marriage, or try to meet my needs elsewhere and hold the marriage together till the kids were gone.

I had my first physical affair in Oct of 2010. I met her online, and I think we met a total of three times, once in a hotel, twice at her place. She was separating/separated through the affair, and she ended it because she wanted more than I could give her at the time. We stayed friends after she did that, and I helped coach her through finding another guy. I would still consider her a friend, although her current BF knows about me and doesn't approve of us communicating, so I don't get in touch with her. She still sends out group emails that include me occasionally, though.

My second affair partner I also met online. She was recently divorced, and I would guess we saw each other a half dozen times in about as many weeks. Always at her place, since she had no kids at home. In the end, I left her because she clearly wanted more, and I could see it was just going to get more painful. At the time we connected, I had already told my wife I wanted a separation, but we had decided to stay together for the kids because of the holidays and a couple other reasons.

My current partner would be considered an affair as well. I met her shortly after separating, again online and again for primarily physical reasons. It's been just over 6 months, and has evolved into something more.

What did I get out of these that I wasn't getting at home? Primarily I think it was a feeling of being desired and appreciated as a man. In the two years prior to having my affairs, I had turned my life around physically. Started running, lost 50+ pounds, eating right... And the comments I got from my wife, if any, along the lines of "you're too skinny". When other people around me were telling me how great I looked. I think a large part of it had to do with her declining self esteem and security, which was never strong to begin with. But our sex life continued to decline, and she would still refuse to deal with it in any way. She would find ways to avoid intimacy with me, usually by drinking to the point of passing out as soon as she lay down.

In the end, she never did find out that I had cheated on her. I think she suspected, mainly because she never asked if there was someone else. I think she didn't want to know the truth. 

Don't get me wrong... I'm not blaming my wife for all the problems in our marriage. And the decision to cheat was entirely mine. I feel confident that I would have left the marriage before finding someone else if it wasn't for the kids, but it was still a very stupid decision. I wish I could take it back mostly to reclaim my integrity, as this is a label that I will apply to myself for the rest of my life. 

Don't know if this helps at all, but there you go. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You know, today you guys are breaking the streotypes and generalizations that men don't say much/type much. LOL


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Yep


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That was really not fun to type on my iPhone over my lunch break... Sure hope someone gets some value from it! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You know, today you guys are breaking the streotypes and generalizations that men don't say much/type much. LOL


It's the 1st time in a long time since I've retold my entire story. Only 1 person knows the entire truth, my best friend. My wife knows about 50% of it and she has told me she doesn't want to know everything down to the last detail.

LOL, once I started it just kept on pouring out, I actually had to cut it in 1/2 because I gave a little too much detail at times.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> That was really not fun to type on my iPhone over my lunch break... Sure hope someone gets some value from it!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bet! I hate typing on this forum via my phone. Grr. Can't type fast enough!



cheatinghubby said:


> LOL, once I started it just kept on pouring out, I actually had to cut it in 1/2 because I gave a little too much detail at times.


LOL. Yes, your post was quite long.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

My husband swears up and down it was nothing wrong at home but was a thrill. I devoted everything to him ans sex was when ever and however he wanted it. If you truely love someone how can you do such a thing? It is so confusing. I know she played up his ego but I did too. And still do. Can it really be just a thrill?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cowgirl--the "thrill" of something new does not compare to a long, love relationship. It's apples and oranges. So she may have stroked his ego but what he had with you was totally different. And I am not saying that to compliment the affair or you more. It just IS different.

And like all shiny new things, they eventually get OLD. The honeymoon phase wears off in every relationship. True for marriages, true for affairs.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

She was far from shiny infact extremely rusty and worn out lol. my Story is posted on here "husband admitted to ons then said he only kissed her." I guess that is another reason why I am really questioning things is because she wasn't attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

cowgirl70 said:


> My husband swears up and down it was nothing wrong at home but was a thrill. I devoted everything to him ans sex was when ever and however he wanted it. If you truely love someone how can you do such a thing? It is so confusing. I know she played up his ego but I did too. And still do. Can it really be just a thrill?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's always something that is missing. For me it was because she was a crazy ass chick in and out of the bedroom. Like I said, it was anything, anytime, anywhere and I can attest to that. My wife is more reserved, not that she's that way in bed I mean, but she's more private and everything intimate is between us.

The OW was, let's do it right now. Don't care where, wanna drop clothes and go, it's on....I think that's what drew me to her because I've been like that my whole life. Always taking that extra step knowing you might fall off the cliff but doing it anyways just to say I did it.

If I would have stayed with the OW, I would have eventually fallen off that cliff at one point.

And to your last post cowgirl, my wife is 10x more attractive than the OW was. But it was that dangerous side that drew me to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, at least she was far from shiny and was rusty. I know that prob doesn't make you feel a WHOLE lot better but you know she's got nothing on you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> If I would have stayed with the OW, I would have eventually fallen off that cliff at one point.


Explain.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

I will drop and roll in a heart beat always have and always will. If anything I feel I have been neglected in the bedroom from time to time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, at least she was far from shiny and was rusty. I know that prob doesn't make you feel a WHOLE lot better but you know she's got nothing on you.


You know what else is shiny? Tin foil. Used once and thrown in the trash.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> And to your last post cowgirl, my wife is 10x more attractive than the OW was. But it was that dangerous side that drew me to her.


My exH is very handsome. Like something out of a print ad. OM, while attractive, does not have the je nais se quo my exH did, but he was was very romantic, emotionally and sexually--things my ex did not do anymore. 

Side by side, walking down the street, if you asked women to rate them, exH would have won every round.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Explain.


She was a party girl. Like I said we partied almost every night and went home drunk everytime. I started smoking pot again towards the end (hadn't done that since college about 4 years prior to the A) and I know it would have eventually let to harder drugs and/or killing myself or someone else on the road.

I was on the road to self destruction, didn't care about work, wife, parents, friends. It was me and the OW against the world, along with a ton of booze. I think in the last month before things went sour I didn't drink only 1 or 2 days. I was either blitzed out of my mind or buzzed beyond belief almost every day.

I don't even think I went into work more than 3 days in that last month. And I was burning my savings like it was the 4th of July. Money that both my wife and I were saving up to buy a home.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> I guess that is another reason why I am really questioning things is because she wasn't attractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There was a thread on here a while back about why they often "Affair Down". It seems to be very common.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You know what else is shiny? Tin foil. Used once and thrown in the trash.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> I don't even think I went into work more than 3 days in that last month. And I was burning my savings like it was the 4th of July. Money that both my wife and I were saving up to buy a home.


Yikes. Sounds like a damn tornado.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

at first i thought i wanted an affair for purely physical reasons. my marriage had always been filled with issues. about six years ago we had a family tragedy and we had a complete emotional separation. 

sex was sparse before then and non-existent after that. after a couple of years of not having sex, i searched for a partner.

what i found was that my partners filled a need i had which was just to be accepted. i knew the affairs were wrong but i was hooked on the good feeling that someone valued me. (note: i realize the "value" was shallow/superficial, but was still more than i received from my wife.)

our marriage counselor said that most affairs start because something is missing in the marriage. sex is usually one of the things missing, but it is missing because many things before that are gone. sex (or lack of sex) just follows.

women i had affairs with were physically no better or worse than my wife. some were married and looking for the same thing (maybe unknowingly) that i was looking for. 

the sad thing is that our marriage counselor laid out what we (wife and i) were looking for from the other and needed in the marriage to keep it together. i have delivered on that but despite knowing what happened previously, my wife doesn't feel the need to step up.

i won't cheat again. it was wrong, i felt guilty doing it. i'm looking for an apartment and will probably move on with my life.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> at first i thought i wanted an affair for purely physical reasons. my marriage had always been filled with issues. about six years ago we had a family tragedy and we had a complete emotional separation.
> 
> sex was sparse before then and non-existent after that. after a couple of years of not having sex, i searched for a partner.
> 
> ...


Ok so what is she not doing now? I would like to kniw so I don't make the same mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I didn't cheat, I left instead. But then again, I only gave my ex a few years to beat me down before I got out. But lack of sex, lack of understanding, lack of respect were huge issues. I turned down my one solid opportunity for an affair, but I think that had I continued with the marriage I would have become more vulnerable to temptation as much as I did not want to. I was faithful to my wife; unfortunately it was through no effort of hers.

This is the thing here: no one is perfect, men are subject to temptation always and one of the things that characterizes a good marriage for the man who wants to stay married is that he's married to someone who takes seriously her responsibility to take care of him at home. In a sense, he NEEDS her help to maintain his fidelity.

I've got some friends who don't get any sex from their wives. In some cases, they leave even while the kids are still young. In other cases, they'll stick it out for the kids and then leave. If the marriage keeps going, then in some cases, they meekly accept the hell on earth that enforced celibacy is. In other cases, they feel justified in stepping out on their wives. Either way, the atmosphere is poisoned.

For the women, it's crucial that you understand that most men get their biggest connection to their wives and to their marriages through sex. Men do exist who want to be faithful to you, but as I said fidelity is a two way effort to maintain, it's on you as well as him, you need to HELP him maintain that fidelity to you. Now if you find yourself with a man who cheats no matter what then that is another story good for a different discussion.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

How wonderful to see that a wife has asked this question! 

I have been shot down on other threads because I have said that when one partner has an affair it is usually as a result of 'something' not going right in the marriage...and whilst having an affair is not right, some 'blame' has to be accepted by the other partner. 

Why did I have an affair?.... Because when our son was born I became insignificant.
I know having a baby is traumatic and a drain, particularly for the mother. I think every husband knows and accepts that for the first 3 months or so after a new arrival, sex and intimacy with his wife goes on the back burner. I was no exception.
I accepted it too....and did as much as I could to help with looking after our son. 
I would come home at 6.00am after a 12 hour shift, feed him and take him 'away' from my wife for 4 hours so that she could sleep etc and of course so that I could spend time with him. 
When my wife and I were in bed together she was tired and totally focused on the baby.
My needs etc were of no consequence.

Our son got older, the routine easier, he started sleeping through the night etc...yet the physical intimacy between my wife and I never returned. I would try to instigate but she simply wasnt interested. I tried talking to her but she refused to talk about it... I felt as if I had done my job in 'giving' her a child therefore sex dropped off the menu altogether.
In the meantime I was desperate for physical affection - sex.

A female work colleague started paying me some attention...it started with text messages...then e-mails then phone calls then 'innocent' meets...she liked me, I liked her, she paid me compliments, made me feel special....and one thing lead to another.

Sadly, she was killed in a vehicle accident about 6 months after we 'started'. I say sadly because she was only 33 and had everything to live for.... I have no idea what would have happened to 'us' had she not died.... I still think about her often and I feel sad that I never said 'good-bye'. At her funeral I had to be 'brave' because it was a full Police funeral...yet was I crying inside.

A couple of years before our son was born, I had a very clear opportunity to have an affair...basically 'she' (not the same woman) came on to me very strongly! I resisted, nothing happened because I was getting all the love, sex, attention and respect we ALL deserve and need from my wife.

I had my affair because my wife shut me out and ignored me. I should have been stronger and I should have resisted but I didn't. 
I was starving and thirsty...someone offered me food and drink and I took it.

I am human.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My story is very similar to a lot of men including Jezza's. Sex and intimacy took a nose dive shortly after marriage. A year later after the first child it almost completely declined. Stupidly had a second child and it dissapeared. Had sex once in about 2 years. 

Recently had the opportunity to cheat. I was CRAVING physical attention like nobodies business. What did I do when the potential OW gave me the green light? I proceeded to poor my heart out about my marriage situation. Her response: understanding and even more of a willingness to begin an affair.

I completely backed off at that point. I don't know if her reaction gave me insight into a negative character flaw or if I just am not going to do it. 

There are days when I want to I'm not going to lie. But I am so oblivious to women that even if someone is showing interest I wouldn't know it. So still haven't cheated but I will not judge those who have because I am tempted to myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Recently had the opportunity to cheat. I was CRAVING physical attention like nobodies business. What did I do when the potential OW gave me the green light? I proceeded to poor my heart out about my marriage situation. Her response: understanding and even more of a willingness to begin an affair.


That's usually how affairs start.



sinnister said:


> I completely backed off at that point. *I don't know if her reaction gave me insight into a negative character flaw *or if I just am not going to do it.


I wonder if she thought the same about you when you were "pouring your heart out about your marriage situation."


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> How wonderful to see that a wife has asked this question!
> 
> I have been shot down on other threads because I have said that when one partner has an affair it is usually as a result of 'something' not going right in the marriage...and whilst having an affair is not right, some 'blame' has to be accepted by the other partner.
> 
> ...


Did you ever tell your wife? Does she know that you still pine for this woman?


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Sex has never been an issue I have always been ready and willing any time or place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopewemakeit (Sep 8, 2011)

it's been 3 years since i have cheated on my wife. Prior to the affair i didn't really think there was anything wrong with my marriage but i did feel some kind of emptiness within me for years. My mom ( to whom i was very close) passed away 5 years prior and i think i may have started to change then. like most wifes i guess, it hurt her so much because she never have thought i could have cheated on her. 
Writing this though and after reading through all the other posts, I can relate to alot to the other reasons the other members have mentioned. but i sit here thinking "does it really matter what I felt or what my reasons were" ... it was wrong. sure no marriage is perfect we are all humans but like what the other member said he got out of the marriage before he even did something. one thing i know is it's not easy for the person who got cheated on and it's also not easy to try to make things work out either. 
Just today I asked my wife what would she do if she knew then what she knew now. She told me she would have asked for a divorce. That sometimes it is not worth it and sometimes she is just tired of still dealing with it. Like someone said earlier... they have forgiven but pretty difficult to forget. I can swear to all of you until I turn blue that I love my wife and am doing whatever I can to make our marriage work but it takes two to tango. So the reasons why men cheat... well it's pretty much the same as why women cheat... same reason that some people no matter what you give them will still cheat because they are just wired that way, same reason is just not going to be any good as the other... there is no reason good enough. And I am saying this not becasue i cheated but because i have experienced it from both sides. there's a problem let your spouse know, don't expect them to know they are not mind readers, don't be looking somewhere else to fill in gaps in your life and then use the gaps as a reason why you strayed... sorry if i am not being coherent... :scratchhead:


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Bright Eyes - No I didnt tell my wife about my affair. It was over... I saw no reason to hurt her unneccesarily....and it hasnt happened since. 

Our sex life is still at the 'once a month if I'm lucky' stage. My wife is just one of those people for whom sex is simply not important and if she doesn't like or want something she won't do it.
Outside the bedroom we are 'fine'.

I don't 'pine' for the person I had an affair with. Yes I do think about her, yes I do wonder what would have come of us had she not died.
I have almost managed to close the door and move on completely....but not quite.

I would really like to be able to make contact with her, say what I have to say etc and close the door completely.
I'm not a believer in the 'spirit world' but neither am I a non-believer either. 
Although I will never forget her, I WANT to close the door completely.

Maybe I should see a 'medium'..... Has anyone reading this ever been to one? I'd be interested to hear about it....


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

....and Brighteyes....nice to see that you are perhaps a little more understanding than you were on another thread where I sort of said the same thing!
Thanks.....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You know, today you guys are breaking the streotypes and generalizations that men don't say much/type much. LOL


No stonewalling going on. No slammed doors. No blame shifting going on either. No criticism. No judgements. And very importantly somebody really wants to know and they are listening to gain understanding rather than to do harm.

Men do open up. But just like women we need a reason and a safe place to do so. Plus most men will step in and try and help a damsel in distress.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

cowgirl70 said:


> Sex has never been an issue I have always been ready and willing any time or place
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In that respect you sound very much like my wife. She never once said no in 42 years and was into most things I could imagine and create. In many ways she was the perfect wife, but still I cheated. We were both quite sexually inexperienced when we started dating at 16 and 18 and 4.5 years later we were married due to my wife’s pregnancy with our first son. It kind of brought the wedding on. I can honestly say my affair had absolutely nothing whatsoever with how my wife treated me. Nothing, zilch, nada. Plus she always kept her body in shape and I never stopped desiring her. That’s why I’ve been the main advocate on TAM about “Not blaming the victim” for their spouse’s affair. People have affairs because that is what they choose to do. Sure there may well be “Mitigating circumstances” but the disloyal spouse owns their behaviour. But I’ve not had sex with another woman for over 30 years which is a whole different subject.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> Bright Eyes - No I didnt tell my wife about my affair. It was over... I saw no reason to hurt her unneccesarily....and it hasnt happened since.
> 
> Our sex life is still at the 'once a month if I'm lucky' stage. My wife is just one of those people for whom sex is simply not important and if she doesn't like or want something she won't do it.
> Outside the bedroom we are 'fine'.
> ...


Okay, gently here....how can you say you are working on your marriage if you never fessed up and told your wife? You are taking all decision making away from her as to whether she wants to stay knowing all the facts. I don't think that is protecting her at all, I think that is protecting your interests only.

More gently, why would you want to contact the OW? She played a role in destroying your marriage. Why not just forget about her and REALLY work on your marriage?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Okay, gently here....how can you say you are working on your marriage if you never fessed up and told your wife? You are taking all decision making away from her as to whether she wants to stay knowing all the facts. I don't think that is protecting her at all, I think that is protecting your interests only.


Agree in principle disagree in reality most of the time. Almost every traumatic event that I have experienced in life I wish I had not. I wish I could erase the memory!!

In my life and my marriage if my wife goes on a business trip and screws up don't tell me anything. Don't screw up my utopia because of your guilt trip. Go see a therapist if you must, but if you truly are sorry and I have no clue, not a inkling of wonder, don't drop a nuke in the marriage cause you need to get it off your chest.

We're all different most would want to know!! I say screw that!!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Brighteyes...no one has ever mentioned my marriage being destroyed.... I said that the sex has gone but outside the bedroom we are 'fine'.
My wife simply doesn't like sex. End of story. There is nothing to 'work' on. We are still married, still together but have more or less a sexless marriage.

Why should I forget the OW? I accept I have to move on (and I have, more or less) but why should I forget her? Have YOU forgotten all the 'loves' of your life?

Why do I want to contact her? For closure...

The OP started this thread asking why husbands cheated. I answered honestly, just as other respondents have. I am not here to be judged. 

If there are any readers here who HAVE used a medium to contact someone on the 'other side', I would be interested to hear about the experience.

AFEH - I hear what you are saying...I strongly suspect that you are in a minority...that is a small group of men who have absolutely no reason to be unfaithful yet they are. 
You had a lavish 6 course meal at home yet you went out for a hamburger! 
Maybe you had your reasons....

I still maintain that the reason the majority of spouses (both male AND female) have affairs is because of an underlying problem within the marriage.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks for sharing everyone. 

PB, yes texting on a phone is a pain!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife has no idea of my PA that was ended 9 years ago.
I have not had an EA or a PA since.

Imagine today - "Darling... remember that funeral I went to 9 years ago?....well I was having an affair with her"... BOOM!

My wife will ask "Why?"....and I will be honest with her - "because you shut me out, you ignored me, you refused to have sex with me"...because that was exactly how I felt at the time.

Sometimes, things are best left un-said.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> Brighteyes...no one has ever mentioned my marriage being destroyed.... I said that the sex has gone but outside the bedroom we are 'fine'.
> My wife simply doesn't like sex. End of story. There is nothing to 'work' on. We are still married, still together but have more or less a sexless marriage.
> 
> Why should I forget the OW? I accept I have to move on (and I have, more or less) but why should I forget her? Have YOU forgotten all the 'loves' of your life?
> ...


I wasn't judging you. I was questioning your reasons. 
Did you love OP? More than your wife? :scratchhead:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> My wife has no idea of my PA that was ended 9 years ago.
> I have not had an EA or a PA since.
> 
> Imagine today - "Darling... remember that funeral I went to 9 years ago?....well I was having an affair with her"... BOOM!
> ...


I agree with you to some degree on this. However, you seem to still have feelings for OP and want to communicate with her. How is that not taking away something from your marriage?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I had an EA with someone I knew online before I met my wife, but they lived in another country (I'm in the US). We were online friends in the real sense of the word at first, but things developed into us having sex-related chats after I was married. At first, my home sex life was good, but things changed after a while and we didn't really communicate well about any of it at all. 

I knew that my online friend was attracted to me and vice-versa, so we wound up sending photos and having sex chats a lot. At the time, I didn't feel like it was cheating because of there not being any physical contact, and it wasn't until after the discovery of it by my wife that I realized how deep the emotional attachment was that I had developed. All because of a lack of sex in my home relationship. It just felt good to get the kind of sexual attention that I had been used to previous to getting married. 

Just before D-Day occurred, I was feeling the need to pull away from the online friend because I had felt that I'd gone over the top because, by this time, I was emailing videos of myself masturbating to my online friend. 

I have owned up to everything 100% and am in the midst of reconciliation with my wife, but I look back with 20/20 hindsight and still wonder at the fog I was in for those months.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

I was young (and stupid), my now ex-wife was my first love and only partner. We had a child together out of wedlock right out of high school. I did what I thought was the right thing was staying with her and take on the responsibility for my actions (18yrs old).

So fast forward three years later, I was 21, had just started a new job working as desktop support. One day I was working on OW's (also married and a few month old child) computer, during that time, I guess she had taken an interest in me, but I didn't notice her in that way, I fixed her issue and moved on.

One day later I get an email from OW, a small note followed by those chain email jokes. The email caught me off guard, but I responded anyway. At first it seemed innocent, email exchanged became more and more frequent which then developed into an EA, which turned into PA.

So for me I guess it was because I was young and since I never knew another woman, the thought of being with someone else besides my wife excited me.

So many times along the way, alarms were going off but I ignored them all, the thrill and excitement got the better of me.

Sadly the PA ruined both careers with that employer and dissolved both marriages.

The ex and I tried to reconcile but couldn't mostly by I was on self destruct mode, I couldn't live with myself for the destruction I caused and I began sabotaging the marriage, which ultimate ended.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tokn said:


> I was young (and stupid), my now ex-wife was my first love and only partner. We had a child together out of wedlock right out of high school. I did what I thought was the right thing was staying with her and take on the responsibility for my actions (18yrs old).
> 
> So fast forward three years later, I was 21, had just started a new job working as desktop support. One day I was working on OW's (also married and a few month old child) computer, during that time, I guess she had taken an interest in me, but I didn't notice her in that way, I fixed her issue and moved on.
> 
> ...


Are you still in self destruct mode? Any chance to work things out with your ex?
Kuddos for being a real man. 18 years old is damn tough to become a father. My husband was 21. I applaud you for owning up to your responsibility. I also applaud you for seeing what happens when someone cheats and not making excuses for it. Forgive yourself.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Are you still in self destruct mode? Any chance to work things out with your ex?
> Kuddos for being a real man. 18 years old is damn tough to become a father. My husband was 21. I applaud you for owning up to your responsibility. I also applaud you for seeing what happens when someone cheats and not making excuses for it. Forgive yourself.


No I'm not in that self destructive mode anymore, and no chance with the ex, that door has been closed long ago, she is with someone who is more deserving.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

BrightEyes - the OW was killed 9 years ago. We were in the middle of a PA.

If someone who you were very fond of (maybe even loved) was killed suddenly wouldn't you possibly want to contact them to say 'good-bye', make sure they are OK etc? 
Still keep the book on the shelf but atleast close it?
Thats all I want to do.

She is not 'affecting' my marriage. There are wives (and indeed some husbands) out there (they write on TAM) who live with a spouse for whom sex is simply not on the agenda. Apart from that the marriage is fine.

I explained earlier why I ended up having a PA. Whilst I'm not trying to justify it etc, my reasons were actually very common indeed.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cowgirl--the "thrill" of something new does not compare to a long, love relationship. It's apples and oranges. So she may have stroked his ego but what he had with you was totally different. And I am not saying that to compliment the affair or you more. It just IS different.
> 
> And like all shiny new things, they eventually get OLD. The honeymoon phase wears off in every relationship. True for marriages, true for affairs.



The honeymoon phase ends huh? Sometimes it does only for ONE person. The other is perfectly happy, yet doesn't realize their SO is cheating. That sucks. This is why I stopped dating -- cold turkey. I got my heart shattered earlier this year and so I'm staying in my hole these days.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't agree about the honeymoon phase... The newness wears off in every relationship. Relationships evolve over time. Now that doesn't mean relationships get bad...its just the new part of it grows into something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

My EA was out of sheer malice and contempt. I had just outed my SO who was having a PA/EA. I did it only to hurt her. I had justified it to my self by saying she had put herself in that position. I was wrong, she was wrong.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I've never had a girl aggressively come onto to me,,, my wife say's I'm handsome and that woman like the way I talk so nice to them but I don't see it LOL anyways My wife and I have a difficult marriage but I don't seek out sex from other woman,,,, the thing I'm afraid of is running into a girl I can get along with and might have me making bad decisions. I've never got why guy's cheat just man up and say it's over. Sorry fellas but that's just how I see it,,, I mean why disrespect your wife like that and stay with her it just makes you look bad.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lost soul said:


> the thing I'm afraid of is running into a girl I can get along with and might have me making bad decisions.


Ah, but remember--nobody can "make you" make bad decisions. We all have choices and decisions to make.

I like what you said at the end of your post.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

LostSoul...you say you have a 'difficult' marriage and you don't seek sex elsewhere...but you are afraid of meeting someone else and making 'bad decisions'....

If you are generally happy with your 'lot' in life then good luck to you.
If however you are not generally happy then maybe there IS someone out there who you are more suited to than your wife. 
Maybe marrying your wife was a 'bad decision'.....?

All I am trying to say is that if you are generally happy with your marriage then great, if not you do have options..

We are ALL entitled to be happy in life...its the only life we'll have!


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

:smthumbup:


lost soul said:


> I've never had a girl aggressively come onto to me,,, my wife say's I'm handsome and that woman like the way I talk so nice to them but I don't see it LOL anyways My wife and I have a difficult marriage but I don't seek out sex from other woman,,,, the thing I'm afraid of is running into a girl I can get along with and might have me making bad decisions. I've never got why guy's cheat just man up and say it's over. Sorry fellas but that's just how I see it,,, I mean why disrespect your wife like that and stay with her it just makes you look bad.


I wonder what would happen if a woman did come on to you?????


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cowgirl--the "thrill" of something new does not compare to a long, love relationship. It's apples and oranges. So she may have stroked his ego but what he had with you was totally different. And I am not saying that to compliment the affair or you more. It just IS different.
> 
> And like all shiny new things, they eventually get OLD. The honeymoon phase wears off in every relationship. True for marriages, true for affairs.


I understand how exciting it is to be flattered by somone new. I have had chances I could have strayed but I would never hurt him like that I would never let someone feel the pain I felt. I know the "thrill" of someone else stroking my ego. But there are boundaries and Vows I took and live by. That is why I feel they meant nothing to him if he was willing to break them. It just hurts and if I didn't love him so dam much it wouldn't matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for your pain. We all have opportunities, some resist, some don't. That is good you have decided on the latter.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

So what I am wondering everyone is saying their marriage was bad. Was anyone just for the thrill or the rush? Those were the answers I received when I asked why he cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> So what I am wondering everyone is saying their marriage was bad. Was anyone just for the thrill or the rush? Those were the answers I received when I asked why he cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My marriage was very good when I cheated. I even spent a fair amount of time telling my AP how happy I was and how wonderful my wife is. Sick huh? I wouldn't say mine was for the thrill or the rush but it became all about it. I didn't set out to have an affair, it found me. I was a willing participant to be sure but it really took me by surprise. Like I said in my first post, we had lost the intimacy in our marriage but neither of us realized it. My AP created it in very short order and yes it was exciting, it filled a need I didn't even know I had and I drank it all up.

Thrill and rush - isn't that what an addiction is all about? "The Fog" - an affair - isn't really that different.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My marriage was very bad when I cheated. It was not for the thrill or rush. I felt emotionally dead and left out by my husband for a long time by then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

cowgirl70 said:


> So what I am wondering everyone is saying their marriage was bad. Was anyone just for the thrill or the rush? Those were the answers I received when I asked why he cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Raises hand.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, but remember--nobody can "make you" make bad decisions. We all have choices and decisions to make.


some people think with the little head others with the big head but the heart controls everything when it wants




jezza said:


> LostSoul...you say you have a 'difficult' marriage and you don't seek sex elsewhere...but you are afraid of meeting someone else and making 'bad decisions'....
> 
> If you are generally happy with your 'lot' in life then good luck to you.
> If however you are not generally happy then maybe there IS someone out there who you are more suited to than your wife.
> ...


I call it frustrated really frustrated !!! but my wife and I created children that deserve both parents and I do love her,,,,,,, when she's sleeping LOL ......... somtimes you gotta laff too keep from crying.



cowgirl70 said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> I wonder what would happen if a woman did come on to you?????


I really don't want to find out


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

Mine was an EA: For me it was that she made old emotions in me flare up that I thought had long since been gone:

Excitement at making her happy.

Butterflies in my stomach when she called me "Handsome or sexy"

Warm feelings when she talked about wanting to spend time just sitting on the couch with me watching movies or talking. 

Wanting to go on a date and just act silly and youthful. 

I'm a writer and she made me want to write poetry again. That is something I hadn't felt like doing since before my wife and I were married. I wrote things so intense it made me cry to re-read them after I had written them They were powerful.

She was a "girlie" type of woman, much different than my wife. So when she would talk about wanting to get dressed up in sexy outfits for me, it stirred up desire at the idea. And a little remorse for not really having that with my wife. 

She didn't "need" me. And by that I mean she as independent. And had no reason at all to ask for me to do things for her. That to me was very intense, as a father and a husband I thought it would be nice not to be "needed" so much. stupidest idea ever but then again the whole thing was stupid to begin with.

She wasn't judgmental. (Boy was that a lie!!! Looking back I see she judged me a lot, but I didn't mind it so much because she was only trying to be helpful wasn't she? Right.)

She seemed to have all the answers. (Nope, what she did was convince me that I could carry on my EA with her as much as I "wanted" and that if I "loved" her I'd do whatever it took to give her more of me than I should have ever let her have.)

She and I had common likes/dislikes (wrong again. I actually admitted to liking things I haven't liked ever in my life, why? See reason #1)

She wasn't controlling or domineering (yeah wrong again bucko. Not only was she this, she was amazingly selfish too.)

She paid attention to me. (as much as it suited her. By I can remember now when some days would go by with no more than a "Hi." But there I was, the ever faithful idiot watching the cell phone for that stupid little light to blink meaning I might have another message. The time I wasted waiting for her to answer me.)

I'm sure I can name a lot more. But I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach again.


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## NY Husband In Hell (Sep 15, 2011)

I am on the verge of cheating. My wife is bipolar - refuses therapy - and is not ****ing me. 

I am 47, successful post investment banking entrepreneur, healthy, and randy. 

Life is too short. 

And she does not seem to care.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

NY Husband - marriage vows or not, we are all entitled to love and be loved.
We are all entitled to happiness. There are many people on here who say that you should divorce before you are unfaithful. In principle I would agree but reality is different.

I had my PA many years ago because my wife shut me out and didnt care. I was healthy, and horny (hell, I'm a normal male!)... the whole sex issue weighed down on us... suddenly it didn't bother me anymore...the pressure wasnt there anymore because I was getting it elsewhere.
There is absolutely no question that my marriage benefitted from it. Because I was getting what I craved elsewhere I didnt feel nearly as bitter or resentful towards my wife. 
I really don't think my wife knew I was getting 'it' elsewhere...she probably thought I had simply accepted the situation. 

My message to you is simple....you both said (I presume) "with my body I thee honour"...that means 'I will not allow any man but you touch me'....it does NOT mean 'I will not allow any man, including you, to touch me'...
So if your wife is not keeping her side of the 'contract' - and assuming that you aren't being a total ba$tard to her - then go out and get what you need elsewhere.

I know I will get shot down for saying this... the bottom line is;
being happy, being loved and so loving others is our birthright.
Period.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NY--talk to your wife. Tell her you're on the verge of cheating. If nothing changes, get a divorce.

Cheating is the worst thing you can do ever. You lose your integrity. 

Jezza is right--we all have the right to be loved. However, cheating on someone is not the answer. Get out before you do it. Respect your wife, marriage, and yourself enough to not take the pvssy's way out.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> NY Husband - marriage vows or not, we are all entitled to love and be loved.
> We are all entitled to happiness. There are many people on here who say that you should divorce before you are unfaithful. In principle I would agree but reality is different.
> 
> I had my PA many years ago because my wife shut me out and didnt care. I was healthy, and horny (hell, I'm a normal male!)... the whole sex issue weighed down on us... suddenly it didn't bother me anymore...the pressure wasnt there anymore because I was getting it elsewhere.
> ...


Are you seriously encouraging NY to cheat?!
Benefited? If your wife had been told the truth, I wonder if she would think that your actions were of benefit to her but you have never given her that even footing. 
NY, if you are so unhappy, do the honorable thing and divorce. There is nothing honorable about cheating.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> There is nothing honorable about cheating.


:iagree:


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

with Jeeza does the same go for her ? if you don't satisfying her she has the right to be satisfied else where.

I've always wonder how does a women feel about a their man being with another women ? I believe for a woman to be with another man is worse because she is taken (penetrated) by a man. How do woman see it? IDK if I'm asking what I'm wondering but it's the best I can do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How is it any worse or better? The fact is, if you're sharing genitals with someone else, it is betraying your partner. Whoever is on the receiving end of the betrayal feels gutted knowing their partner was either inside someone else or penetrated by someone else. 

It's fvcked either way.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's fvcked either way.


No pun intended right????

Sorry couldn't resist!!


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

from a male point of view or at least mine a man has a women he does all the things he can to a woman to satisfy her and himself,,, he Dominates her. I see it as a woman giving herself where a man isn't taken he performs. I guess jellybean your right it's not better or worse but is it easier to forgive a man because he is not taken ? meaning a woman does not put him into positions.I see a woman as the Center,,, the center of the family world a mother,caregiver,lover,companion ect ect. And to think of my wife giving herself to another and allow him to do what he wants with her disgusts me to a point of rage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I guess jellybean your right *it's not better or worse but is it easier to forgive a man because he is not taken* ? meaning a woman does not put him into positions..


That is ludicrous and feeds into the whole "it's ok to forgive a man for cheating but not a woman" sexism there is out there.

It's ALL bad and awful!

Oh please. 



lost soul said:


> I see a woman as the Center,,, the center of the family world a mother, caregiver,lover,companion ect ect. *And to think of my wife giving herself to another and allow him to do what he wants with her disgusts me to a point of rage*.


Ok, so by this token, how do you think a woman feels knowing her husband "dominated," as you so put, it another woman when he cheats on her??? It would disgust her to the point of rage just the same!

You just explained to yourself why it's so awful for a woman when her husband cheats... undermining your entire point.

You see--there is no better or worse. How is ONE way easier to forgive and/or accept than the other???

I am so tired of this BS about how it's sooo much better when a man cheats because he's not "giving" himself to another. Yes he is! I am so tired of the cheating woman to be made out to be a leper versus a cheating man. If you buy into this way of thinking, women, again, of course are EVIL but men are to be forgiven becasue it's "not the same/not as bad/not as wrong." 

Ridiculous double standards... again.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

hold on there,,, my question was I wanted to know a woman felt/thought about men cheating on woman ? 

*not is it easier to forgive a man !!!!*
_

Dayum I can never saying anything in here :scratchhead: LOL_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said:



lost soul said:


> I've always wonder how does a women feel about a their man being with another women ? *I believe for a woman to be with another man is worse *because she is taken (penetrated) by a man. How do woman see it?
> 
> *from a male point of view or at least mine *a man has a women he does all the things he can to a woman to satisfy her and himself,,, he Dominates her. *I see it as a woman giving herself where a man isn't taken he performs.*





lost soul said:


> I guess jellybean your right it's not better or worse *but is it easier to forgive a man because he is not taken ?* meaning a woman does not put him into positions.*I see a woman as the Center,,, the center of the family world a mother,caregiver,lover,companion ect ect. **And to think of my wife giving herself to another and allow him to do what he wants with her disgusts me to a point of rage*.


So yes, you see it as a double standard. To you, it's worse when a woman cheats because she's being "taken." Which is basically saying he doesn't do something as bad as a woman by sharing genitals/cheating. 

You asked how a woman feels when she gets cheated on? She feels awful. Just because she has a vagina and is female doesn't make it ANY EASIER or less hurtful to be cheated on. What a crazy concept, yeah?


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

lost soul said:


> with Jeeza does the same go for her ? if you don't satisfying her she has the right to be satisfied else where.
> 
> I've always wonder how does a women feel about a their man being with another women ? I believe for a woman to be with another man is worse because she is taken (penetrated) by a man. How do woman see it? *IDK if I'm asking what I'm wondering but it's the best I can do*.


I've always wondered how a woman see's a man being with another women ? does make more sense JB prob not huh (no need to answer):scratchhead:
*

sorry for my low IQ :slap: LOL*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I've always wondered how a woman see's a man being with another women ? *does make more sense JB prob not huh* (no need to answer):scratchhead:


What do you mean "prob not?" 

You asked how a woman sees a man being with another woman and I answered--she feels gutted. The same way a man does when he finds out his lady cheated on him. You also said "I believe for a woman to be with another man is worse" and I was pointing out it's no better or worse, IMO. A betrayal is a betrayal no matter which gender is doing the cheating against their spouse.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

lost soul said:


> hold on there,,, my question was I wanted to know a woman felt/thought about men cheating on woman ?
> 
> *not is it easier to forgive a man !!!!*
> _
> ...


No it isn't easier!!! It is the must gut wrenching pain I have ever felt. A heart can truely break I know because I have felt it. I am sure that it is the same for both men and women when they discover an affair. I often wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would my H still be around. Fortunate for him he will never have to make that decision because I would never hurt him that way. I think that is why it hurts me so much because I expected the same consideration for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

lost soul said:


> hold on there,,, my question was I wanted to know a woman felt/thought about men cheating on woman ?
> 
> *not is it easier to forgive a man !!!!*
> _
> ...


No it isn't easier!!! It is the must gut wrenching pain I have ever felt. A heart can truely break I know because I have felt it. I am sure that it is the same for both men and women when they discover an affair. I often wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would my H still be around. Fortunate for him he will never have to make that decision because I would never hurt him that way. I think that is why it hurts me so much because I expected the same consideration for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

All I hear is lack of sex. Well, at the moment I am in that same boat sex has really declined. But me cheating isn't going to help. I have initiated enough now I am goin to sit back and see when he is ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you asked him why the sex has declined and why he's rejecting you, Cowgirl?


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Its a medical thing. Tyring to get it regulated. My point was cheating sure as hell won't fix it. All this no sex is BS! Have they ever wondered why she doesn't want or like sex? Medical condition, hormones, or maybe it just isn't any good? Remember guys you got to get the pan warm before you put the meat in!!!! Just sayin'!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

No I was NOT encouraging NY to cheat. But I was reminding him of our fundemental right to be happy in life and the choices he has.

In one of my other posts I said something like 'unless there is a medical issue'.
Cowgirl says that her husband has a medical issue - maybe the mind is willing but the body isn't.... Its their business and I hope they overcome it. Just as I hope Cowgirl will stand by him.
Just as I would hope any man (me included) would stand by their wife if she was mentally sexual but the 'equipment' had a problem.

I think BrightEyes is, and always has, misunderstood me. I am not encouraging adultery...simply trying to explain why it happens. I explained exactly why I did it.

Men have admitted going over the side when all is well at home...that they had NO reason to. But they did and regretted it.

There are also men on here who have had PA's because despite being a wonderful husband, were sexually rejected by their wives.

Let me put it another way. In the course of my job I get called to shops where security has detained a shoplifter (stealing from a shop). The offence is covered under the Theft Act and is arrestable.

Example 1 - 30 yr old male in a 'hyper market' puts a camera under his jacket and walks out without paying. Theft. Arrestable

Example 2 - 65 yr old woman in the same store puts a loaf of bread under her jacket and walks out without paying. Theft. Arrestable.

Both are criminal offences. Period. But if the 65yr old woman said she did it because she was on welfare, had no money left, hadn't eaten in 5 days and was hungry....would you still arrest and charge her?

She has still committed the offence but she did it because she was hungry. Still wrong but understandable.

Committing adultery is still wrong...but....

I think you get my point!


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> Sex has never been an issue I have always been ready and willing any time or place
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your one of few that I ever hear about. My wife medically has no desire due to life long meds, she refuses to see a specialist. Or a counselor. I don't want to leave but the physical seclusion is taking its toll. A affair often looks good to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wasn't married at the time but was in a monogamous relationship. GF cut me off for over 6 months and basically withdrew all forms of affection and eventually, civility. She didn't want me and I happened to bump into someone who did.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I wasn't married at the time but was in a monogamous relationship. GF cut me off for over 6 months and basically withdrew all forms of affection and eventually, civility. She didn't want me and I happened to bump into someone who did.


Why were you still with her for a half year and no legal commitment? Kids?


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> My marriage was very good when I cheated. I even spent a fair amount of time telling my AP how happy I was and how wonderful my wife is. Sick huh? I wouldn't say mine was for the thrill or the rush but it became all about it. I didn't set out to have an affair, it found me. I was a willing participant to be sure but it really took me by surprise. Like I said in my first post, we had lost the intimacy in our marriage but neither of us realized it. My AP created it in very short order and yes it was exciting, it filled a need I didn't even know I had and I drank it all up.
> 
> Thrill and rush - isn't that what an addiction is all about? "The Fog" - an affair - isn't really that different.


Please explain "The Fog" to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> Please explain "The Fog" to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I haven't read the "official" definitions here, mine only comes from having lived it. Basically it's the set of rose colored glasses that anyone in an affair wears when contemplating either their AP (affair partner) or the fantasy world they share with their AP. Other than the two people in an affair the rest of the world can look at the relationship between the two participants and know that neither is as perfect as they are perceived inside the affair, that both participants have as many or more flaws than the spouses they are cheating on, and that the whole affair is based on lies and is utter B.S. The only people that can't see that are the two people in it - they can't see through "the fog" and into reality. The can't see that the OM/OW is human and is now a known liar and cheat, they can't see that the person they are cheating on is still at home being faithful and believing that the marriage is still monogamous, they can't see that they are not making rational decisions because their thinking is clouded because they THINK they are in love. In reality all the fog is is a set of brain chemicals that make they wayward feel awesome, they come to associate the way they feel with their AP because the AP triggers their release, and sooner or later they mistake this association for love. So it becomes a circle. I love my AP, because they make me feel so good, my AP makes me feel so good because I love them and on and on it goes with the wayward getting in deeper and deeper until eventually they are basically a blithering idiot, get caught by their spouse, and start saying stupid stuff like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "it's all your fault" or "the OM/OW is my soul mate" Unfortunately when the wayward starts staying stuff like this they are so confused that they think that affair land and the fog are reality so they charge off in that direction leaving their lives, families and kids in flames behind them. When reality sets in and the fog lifts, it's often too late. They've done too much damage to go back and have to live with the consequences of their irrational thinking and selfish behavior. 

Sorry - that's a long answer to a short question. Someone else will likely do a better job of explaining it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> Please explain "The Fog" to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's the mumbo/jumbo crazy feeling/thought process the affair-having partner experiences. Chemical/high dopamine feeling that doesn't let them see straight/see the affair for what it is.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> Its a medical thing. Tyring to get it regulated. My point was cheating sure as hell won't fix it. All this no sex is BS! Have they ever wondered why she doesn't want or like sex? Medical condition, hormones, or maybe it just isn't any good? *Remember guys you got to get the pan warm before you put the meat in!!!! Just sayin'!!!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got exactly what you're saying right there!:rofl::lol:

But, yes, it's true, you gotta turn her on before you can get cooking!


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## tjd (Oct 9, 2011)

cowgirl70 said:


> Men, can you tell me why you cheated or strayed? What were you missing from home? I am really curious what goes through your minds. I know women cheat also but I am curious. My H had a ONS & I have heard his answer but would love to hear yours.... What did the OW have to offer your wife didn't? Whay did you stray? thank you!!!!


How can I know if my husband has been honest with me about the affair. He swears it was only an EA but he is reluctant to give details about it.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

Are you sure yiu want ALL the details they can really haunt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## listing (Oct 10, 2011)

I was very unhappy in my marriage but did not have the balls to stand up and articulate it to my wife. I let myself become emotionally involved with somebody else over the course of several months, and by that point I enjoyed the company so much that I didn't want it to end. So I let it progress into a full blown affair. It was a complete disaster and I don't wish the experience on my worst enemies.

I've never cheated on anyone I've ever been with, I'm not a "once a cheater, always a cheater". I just got myself into a weak emotional state and let somebody outside my marriage satisfy my emotional needs rather than turning inward to my wife. 

Looking back, there were many red flags early on in our relationship that I failed to properly acknowledge and deal with.

The silver lining in all of this is that I believe I can identify and articulate the needs I have to be satisfied by a partner and also being better at satisfying their needs. If we can't satisfy each others basic needs then it's a "no go" and should be broken off. Also, living through this awful experience of being "the betrayer" has taught me much about the boundary issues I failed to respect between me and other attractive women I encounter.

I am divorced now and will forever be damaged goods, labeled a untrustworthy and evil person by many of the people who I used to know well. If you're about to have an affair, imagine my hands coming through the computer and slapping you in the face while yelling "Don't you do it!!! It will ruin you for a long long time!!".


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