# How often a week is too often to ask your wife for sex?



## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok, here is my situation: I have a very high sex drive and my wife`s is average. I would like sex daily and she insists it is unfair of me to ask for it more than a couple of times a week. How often is too often to expect it? And should she be willing to have it more often to compromise with my needs or should I just accept what suits her and deal with it? Thanks! 
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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

1) yes of course there needs to be a compromise by both of you

2) Instead of trying to guess at a magic number of times to ask, you need to ask her what are her expectations


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

I suppose I`m speaking in general terms of number of times. It`s more a I need/I`m receiving less than I want thing. It isnt like there is a problem of unsatisfactory quality, just a somewhat serious ongoing issue of quantity wanted and received by me vs quantity provided by her and our expectations about what should be acceptable to each other.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe the two times a week IS a compromise for her? Maybe she would like you to do something different sexually. 

There's no magic number for how often is too often. For some couples, once a week is great. I would have been pretty happy with that in my past marriage, to be honest. But with my GF, we're "higher" drive, and 5 to 7 times a week makes both of us feel warm and fuzzy.

Has there been a decline during your relationship? How old are you both? How long have you been together and how long married? And do you have kids?

C
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Talk about expectations, etc.

But please don't ask for sex. It's suuuuch a turnoff. Ew.


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

I`m sure she isnt unsatisfied with quality or bored. This isnt a question about that. I phrased it specifically, and I dont "ask" per se, but I am getting "shot down" occasionally. To answer the age, children question too; we are both in our 30s, married about 8 years, have one child. 
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she healthy? Stressed?

I cannot relate, as Hubs and I have sex almost daily...because we both enjoy it and it's just a part of our lives. We're in late20s/mid 30s and have 2 kids.

What does she do when you just start snugglin and kissing her? Why does she reject you? Have you asked?


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

It`s totally an issue of what I want quantity vs what she wants quantity. Usually she says she is tired which I believe because she seems tired. I`m kind of just looking to find out if I am being unreasonable by wanting more than she does. To me, I kind of feel like she isnt caring about my needs, and that bothers me as much as the lack of number of number of times does.
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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

To answer the other part of your question Chat Girl, she is reasonably healthy and I dont think she is too stressed out.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You didn't answer my questions...

But ok. So she isn't caring about your needs. Are you caring about hers?


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

Sorry I didnt answer the rest of your ? Chat Girl.  So, she just usually says she is either tired which is around bed time, or during the day, that she isnt interested at that time. I guess I feel like I am expected to just accept her schedule without the compromise I feel she should give on my behalf to make me happy, and so that is why I asked the original question that I asked. I feel like this is unfair to me, and want to know if my high-sex needs are unreasonable before making a larger issue of it.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Was your sex life more frequent in the past?

Both of you seem to have drives that I personally would think are normal or reasonable. But I don't really see where you're compromising either.... It seems from your posts that you think she should meet your needs, and forget her feelings. Again, maybe two times a week IS her compromise already. Maybe she'd prefer once a week.

And it's "that girl", not "chat girl". 

C
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks, Pbear 

Yea, it seems to be all about you. have you talked to her about what she wants and what you want?


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## NiceGuy36 (Feb 22, 2012)

I would say that what I am getting from her is a "this is how often I want it deal with it" type of response. And that is the issue I have. I get that that may be all that she wants and I guess if that is the case, I would have to live with it (unhappily), but it`s the fact that it has a line in the sand "you`ll have to make advances and I`ll let you know if I`m not interested" feel to it that really bothers me. I dont feel that that is fair to me. I was kind of looking for a yes you are reasonable to expect more, no your expectations are unreasonable response to gauge if my expectationns are, in fact, either reasonable or unreasonable before furthering the dialogue about it.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, we dont' know the dynamics of you and your marriage.

You can totally want more, but maybe your approach is off putting.

I know you want to feel desired, wanted, needed, etc..and that's where many wives get it wrong. But many husband's start to 'ask' and 'beg' for sex which is a turn off so it's hard to desire.

I do suggest having a talk where you tell her (calmly) your needs and wishes. What you want and what you wish would happen.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I am sorry, but I cannot help jumping in here--

At least from the way you describe it, I would be turned off as a wife. You are just wanting more, and actually, if I were your wife, I would passively satisfy your needs (yes, I did for my husband), but in long term, it would build resentment. 

In fact, I almost feel you should work the opposite way (this is more like military strategy, not what I think what is the right thing to do for long term). DO NOT ASK and try to withhold your needs for a while (no idea how long you can suffer) See how your wife responds. It could be (1) she doesn't give a damn (2) she gets a break and kind of wonders what's up (3) she gets a REAL break and starts missing it. No matter what, then you can bring up the issue later and tell her why you were doing it. You want to show how you appreciate her and you are willing to sacrifice if it makes her happy. Again, this is military strategy...I KNOW you guys will hang yourselves if you don't get laid. But sometimes chicks need to hear pure platonic romance. Just a suggestion.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a lot of stuff in the men's forum on building your sex life up with your spouse rather than coming out with asking for more sex. The "Married Men's Sex Life" seems to be well regarded. But the OP didn't seem interested in working on his parts of the sex relationship dynamic, and would rather go for the direct approach.

C
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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I don't get it.

You're having sex a couple of times a week. What is your problem?

If it aint broke, don't try and fix it.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

NiceGuy36 said:


> Sorry I didnt answer the rest of your ? Chat Girl.  So, she just usually says she is either tired which is around bed time, or during the day, that she isnt interested at that time. I guess I feel like I am expected to just accept her schedule without the compromise I feel she should give on my behalf to make me happy, and so that is why I asked the original question that I asked. I feel like this is unfair to me, and want to know if my high-sex needs are unreasonable before making a larger issue of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do understand where you're coming from, and I think a lot of wives should dig a little deeper and give it up more if they can. But, you would like sex every day, and she'd like it twice a week. So, if she does it one more time a week, you're still not getting quite half of what you want.

As for her doing it every day: try to imagine how you would feel if she wanted it more than you did? Would you feel a bit used? Would you feel guilty? Would you resent her if she seemed to feel slighted by your unwillingness to give it up when she wanted it?

Anyway, she could probably give you more than she already is, but the odds are that she would resent you for it, and that would impact the quality quite a lot.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> I do understand where you're coming from, and I think a lot of wives should dig a little deeper and give it up more if they can. But, you would like sex every day, and she'd like it twice a week. So, if she does it one more time a week, you're still not getting quite half of what you want.
> 
> As for her doing it every day: try to imagine how you would feel if she wanted it more than you did? Would you feel a bit used? Would you feel guilty? Would you resent her if she seemed to feel slighted by your unwillingness to give it up when she wanted it?
> 
> Anyway, she could probably give you more than she already is, but the odds are that she would resent you for it, and that would impact the quality quite a lot.


Wow you women here are quite sexual. Again I point to kinsey stats, and 2X/wk after a # of years in your 30's and with a young child is perfectly normal. 

Unless you were doing it daily and never a concern from day one and now it has dropped (and no outside issues, pressures, stress), some people on TAM really have an unhealthy obsession and expectations when it comes to sex.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP
I get what you are putting down... so to say.

If it's that important to you, pay attention to what she is saying.
She's tired. And take it as the simplest answer.

The opportunity needs to present itself. then it's not a question of asking. 

That Girl for example. They make couple time. Kids go to bed, they have some one on one time to chat every night. Opportunity presents itself. 

Take a honest look at your daily lives. Are you both busy until bed time? Do you make it a priority to have alone time for an hour before bed? Are you tv watchers? Do you go to bed at the same time? How many hours of sleep does she get?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

NiceGuy36 said:


> Ok, here is my situation: I have a very high sex drive and my wife`s is average. I would like sex daily and she insists it is unfair of me to ask for it more than a couple of times a week. How often is too often to expect it? And should she be willing to have it more often to compromise with my needs or should I just accept what suits her and deal with it? Thanks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess you will need to define what you mean by 'sex'. Are you wanting intercourse every day? For some women that can be a lot to manage - especially if they have very busy lives or if they get sore easily.

However, one of the things you may be able to compromise on is to try and be intimate with each other in some way every day - that doesn't need to be intercourse everyday - it can run the gamut from intercourse a couple of times a week, to hugs/kisses/snuggling to manual/oral (just make sure that the manual/oral does not get skewed in either direction - like her doing it all for you or there could be problems).

And, normally, I tend to think that partners are a lot more willing to be accommodating when there's a strong, trusting relationship between the two. How would you rate your overall relationship? Maybe there's something in it that is missing for her and that causes her hesitation or unwillingness? Just something to think about and explore.

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know why any man would "ask" his wife for sex.

Take her.


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## msL (Feb 20, 2012)

I am experiencing the same issue in my home with my h. He has told me sex once a wk is not acceptable, I would be perfectly fine with once a wk. I'm going to explain why and maybe it'll give you some insight. Are you asking for sex vlike you would ask for a new watch for christmas? Your approach may need some work if that's the case.She may feel like that's ALL you want. Do you help around the house? With your child? So she doesn't feel like she's constantly busy meeting the demands of someone else and has no "me" time. Twice a week isn't bad too be completely honest.
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## nader (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Talk about expectations, etc.
> 
> But please don't ask for sex. It's suuuuch a turnoff. Ew.


this.. 'asking your wife for sex' is wimpy and lame.

Sometimes I like to say to my wife, 'we're totally gonna do it tonite..' Or not even say or plan anything.. just start making the move and more often than not she goes along with it. Sometimes it works and sometimes not but either case it is better than asking nicely, 'honey, do you think maybe tonight we could..."

wanting/expecting sex daily is a bit overkill.. not every woman wants or is capable of this. Most guys should be happy with 2-4 times a week, imo. Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself in between, or better yet, saving it up so you can get a good recharge.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> As for her doing it every day: try to imagine how you would feel if she wanted it more than you did? Would you feel a bit used? Would you feel guilty? Would you resent her if she seemed to feel slighted by your unwillingness to give it up when she wanted it?


Very thoughtful point, SomeLady. 

The topic of relative lovemaking needs/wants/expectations comes up in my marriage from time to time. I played the role reversal mind game a few weeks ago. When I put myself in the mental position of being the one who wants it less often than my partner, I instantly saw how I might feel as if I was taken for granted, used, and guilty. It would make me think "Crap, I'm doing it XX times a week, and it's not good enough?" It could lead to resentment and would not make me desire more, or if I tried to fake it, it might be uninspired :sleeping: zombie-sex. 

As a guy, it's hard to imagine not being interested in sex, but I took the mind game further, and imagined the situation where my wife tried to initiate something and I was UNABLE to respond physically (O.M.G.  ). Would any kind of guilt trip or pressure to make me perform on the spot? Would pressure make me feel any more desire or get my Mojo working? It would likely make it harder to perform next time. It could start an insidious cycle of frustration . 

This mental game was something that was a dramatic shift in how I felt about the relative balance of lovemaking needs/expectations. It is also something that is fun to apply to other resources in a marital relationship, such as yard work, moneymaking, toilet cleaning, cooking, or square dancing.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Diolay said:


> I don't get it.
> 
> You're having sex a couple of times a week. What is your problem?
> 
> If it aint broke, don't try and fix it.


Well said!
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

OhhShiney said:


> Very thoughtful point, SomeLady.
> 
> The topic of relative lovemaking needs/wants/expectations comes up in my marriage from time to time. I played the role reversal mind game a few weeks ago. When I put myself in the mental position of being the one who wants it less often than my partner, I instantly saw how I might feel as if I was taken for granted, used, and guilty. It would make me think "Crap, I'm doing it XX times a week, and it's not good enough?" It could lead to resentment and would not make me desire more, or if I tried to fake it, it might be uninspired :sleeping: zombie-sex.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:

Awesome! Being able to develop empathy for our partners-being able to see things from their point of view-is a fantastic quality to have.


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

At the acme of our sex lives, we averaged once a week. I would have been happier 3-4 times a week and even happier six times a day. We have now been married 46 years and I can't remember when we had sex. So, anything is better than nothing, right?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

You need to read Married Man Sex Life:

Married Man Sex Life

I no longer ask, I expect it. If she can't (tired, in pain, etc. ) she will either 1- give me a hand job, 2- say, "I just don't have the energy for an orgasm tonight, so you go ahead." or 3- say, "I just can't tonight...how about tomorrow?"

There is a pastor in Texas who has written a book along with his wife called, 'The Sexperiment" which advocates deciding in advance on a week in which you will have sex for 7 days.

Regarding her not being in the mood, read this:

do you know when you want it? | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::

There are many times that my wife doesn't really "want it" until we get into it...then...WOW...she WANTS it!!


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

The OP asked what is reasonable. In general, that is subjective. If it would cause pain or disrupt lifestyle, then those are objective standards of unreasonable. 

What OP seems to be asking is when you love someone, what is the minimum amount of work that should be done to make that person happy. If he needs to get off every day, and she is able and has the time, should she do that without being resentful or dishonest (assuming there are no other issues - if there are she needs to address them with him, not withhold)? 1/2 hour a day, it may be almost all the free time she has and that may be unreasonable to ask. 

What is reasonable depends on too many unknown factors. What I hear him saying is that he told her this would make him happy and she replied she is unwilling to do that. What he hears as her answer is "because I care more about my sleep than your happiness; I will do the minimum that can be expected of me to satisfy your happiness, as I interpret what you need." He internalizes this and thinks - making your spouse happy should not be a chore, but a labor of love. She likely dismisses his desire as - he is a horndog and needs to control himself. These are all communication issues they need to work out.

As far as an objective view daily penetration, I paraphrase Dan Savage by saying that image your wife wanted to stick something in you every day.


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