# Can It be Saved?



## Thoughtfulguy (Nov 17, 2017)

I have been married 17 years, no kids, lawyer/engineer. She abuses me about her work stress almost daily, I have my own stress also from work, when she goes off about it, its the most stressful time of day, my whole body tightens up, its abusive. Yes I tend to retaliate. I have asked her to stop, its made me not love her any more. She promises she will stop, she doesn't. She gets better for a few days then back to the normal. When she is out of the legal job for a few days its better, but the wedge has been driven down so far for me, I am not sure I can love her again. I have packed my vehicle twice offering to just leave her everything, she has begged me to stay. There is no sex any more for me, my needs are not met ever, she is older then me, and I am still young enough to enjoy life(48). When she wants something I am expected to perform, its empty and callous. I feel guilty about thinking about divorce, am I crazy to be thinking divorce, she wont talk about things, she gets defensive. Thirteen years ago I talked with a woman online, there was no affair. It was just that I liked this person, I enjoyed their company a lot, I grew to care for them. Ever since then the marriage has been broken. She views it as evil and I am monger for talking to someone that was fun. What do you all think, should I move on?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Define "abuses me about her work stress".


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Define "abuses me about her work stress".


Yes, I'd like to know what you mean by this. Also, what do you mean by "When she wants something I am expected to perform, its empty and callous"? You said that there's no sex anymore, so you obviously don't mean perform in that sense.

Can you explain the difference of your marriage before you spoke with that other woman online, and after?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thoughtfulguy said:


> Thirteen years ago I talked with a woman online, there was no affair. It was just that I liked this person, I enjoyed their company a lot, I grew to care for them. Ever since then the marriage has been broken. She views it as evil and I am monger for talking to someone that was fun. What do you all think, should I move on?


How long did you carry on this online relationship?

Was it only talk? Or was there also talking about loving each other and/or sexting?

Did you speak badly about your wife to this woman?

Did this woman live close to you, perhaps in the same city or a close one?

How much time a week did you spend talking to this woman?

Did you ever meet her in person?


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## Thoughtfulguy (Nov 17, 2017)

Slartibartfast, Thank you for the objective response.


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## Thoughtfulguy (Nov 17, 2017)

BioFury said:


> Define "abuses me about her work stress".


The abuse is verbal. It started as venting about her job, which is admittedly stressful. It could be human resources has a new policy, or her friend got laid off, or someone was mean to her,m mostly it has been her boss is mean, and granted she is very nasty!

Most nights, I would say nine out of ten week nights, she has something to say about her work. It can last anywhere from five minutes to the entire evening, depending on the severity. It is in a hostile tone and it is argumentative in nature and while she insists its not directed at me, I am the only one there to hear it. The first four years I was absorbing it as the good husband, but without time off, (she is clingy, no down time), it wears you down. Like water on a rock. After four years of this, repeatedly asking her to stop and it continuing, I began to argue back. I am defensive now any time she opens her mouth. My back gets tight my chest hurts, and she doesn't let up. I hope this answers your question.


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## Thoughtfulguy (Nov 17, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Yes, I'd like to know what you mean by this. Also, what do you mean by "When she wants something I am expected to perform, its empty and callous"? You said that there's no sex anymore, so you obviously don't mean perform in that sense.
> 
> Can you explain the difference of your marriage before you spoke with that other woman online, and after?


When I said there is no sex anymore, I should have said there is no meaningful sex. There is very rarely sex when alcohol is involved. No eye contact, no feeling, its just performing when one party is drunk, sure there is physical gratification, so much less than what had been there previously.

Before we had an emotional link, we would make eye contact, love making was a regular activity. Afterward, there was a divide, no eye contact, no meaningful sexual or emotionally positive activity, separation in the house, like a wall had been built between us on some level that we both chose to ignore, because of the previous happiness. Arguments and suspicion regularly for the first year after, now I choose to sleep in the spare room. I am at fault for everything in her eyes it feels like.


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## Thoughtfulguy (Nov 17, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you carry on this online relationship?
> 
> Was it only talk? Or was there also talking about loving each other and/or sexting?
> 
> ...


The relationship happened in an online multiplayer game. It lasted for approximately three months, two months in stage one, and another month in stage two. I am guilty of playing a part in this, there is no doubt, I was emotionally and sexually needy and she prayed upon me, and subsequently I allowed her to prey on my marriage.

It was all online, text, I would not consider it sexting, but my wife does. To understand it, I have to get into detail. I was in a public chat one night and the conversation was sexual, and I made a comment online within the context of the public chat to a large audience. This woman then followed me around for a couple months in the game. Because of the emotional vacuum in the marriage created by the venting abuse, I was happy to have the attention. We only played the game at first with her continuing to push the sexual innuendo envelope, and we grew closer, or so I thought. She started becoming more aggressive with the innuendo and wanted to start spending alone time. Mostly it was good fun and game play, and fulfilled my emotional needs. After about a month, she without me asking for anything wanted my email address to send pictures of her, these pictures I eventually found out where not of her but of some other woman she was pretending to be. This person was a predator who actually was trying to pull males in and disrupt or destroy marriages, and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I am guilty of playing a part, but had no idea of her deception. More than you need to know but, half the facts would be useless. In what I would call stage two, after I found out she was not who she claimed to be, I talked to her more to get details, she it seems had fallen for me, and her game had backfired. She was a housewife, with too much time on her hands and she was a mean person, out to hurt people. I tracked her down, figured out who she was, and sent her husband our conversations, I was mad and I hurt her back, I have not spoken with her since.

I never spoke badly of my wife as I recall.

Lived far away.

I played the game with her for a few hours a day before work, I was working nights at the time.

I never met her in person.


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