# After what she pulled tonight.....



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

.......she's lucky I did not throw her Valentines Day roses in the trash!! And so instead of her getting them in the morning like I had planned on, I am now going to make her wait til the end of the day when I get home(at 8:30pm)and they're currently hidden in the garage out of sight. Because tonight she was in a bad mood from work and from finding one of our cats had torn up something, so she then decided she was going to try and take it out on me all night long by picking at me for anything and everything! Then when I did the whole leaving the room thing she just kept waiting for me to come back out to go after me again, and so once I had enough of it for two hours I then SNAPPED and it turned into an ugly shouting match between us!


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I couldn't live like that. Life is to sort.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I think we all have days where nothing seems to go right and then when we get home and need a good "rant" our family do not understand / know what its all about.

If it is not to late to do so please bring the flowers in from the garage and place them on the bedside table before you leave for work. Add a post it note to the card "sorry you where unhappy last night". This may make way for "making up".


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> .......she's lucky I did not throw her Valentines Day roses in the trash!!


=/
I would


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> I would


Not at $40 a pop of your own spending cash you wouldn't!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Women are not men. We can be pissed one minute, drop it, and move on to something else. A woman's brain doesn't work that way. It's not her fault and you won't find a woman on earth equipped with a male brain. Men can mentally compartmentalize. Women have to work through crap and process it. Women's brains and male brains evolved differently and both are perfectly suited for the roles both genders traditionally fulfilled. This is caveman stuff and she can't change her brain any more than you can change your's. Trust me, your brain causes her frustration, too.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I think we all have days where nothing seems to go right and then when we get home and need a good "rant" our family do not understand / know what its all about.
> 
> If it is not to late to do so please bring the flowers in from the garage and place them on the bedside table before you leave for work. Add a post it note to the card "sorry you where unhappy last night". This may make way for "making up".


That's fine if it's just once or twice Wiltshireman because we all have bad days and need to vent, but when it happens 20 times a year it then becomes unforgiveable and gets old really quickly. And as for the flowers............she will get them at 8:30pm as a result of her a-hole behavior tonight that was uncalled for.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> Not at $40 a pop of your own spending cash you wouldn't!


Well it's not like it's $400 lol so I still would
Much better than having the anger still inside then going for a drive, crashing the car or ripping the paint and spending a few thousand. Nah, $40 stress relief with my boot on the flowers would be better 

But if it was really expensive then I would probably give it to another woman, which will of course, cost me my head


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kill the f*cking cat and stuff its worthless corpse in the flowers. 

Then give them to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Women are not men. We can be pissed one minute, drop it, and move on to something else. A woman's brain doesn't work that way. It's not her fault and you won't find a woman on earth equipped with a male brain. Men can mentally compartmentalize. Women have to work through crap and process it. Women's brains and male brains evolved differently and both are perfectly suited for the roles both genders traditionally fulfilled. This is caveman stuff and she can't change her brain any more than you can change your's. Trust me, your brain causes her frustration, too.


WTF am I reading?

Are you saying that women can just act like complete children, and that "it's not her fault" that she is acting like an unbearable cnut, and that Men should just deal with the fact their women are going to cause drama and fights? That women are absolved of all responsibility for their own conduct?



> Trust me, your brain causes her frustration


I don't even know what this means, but the point of it is clear enough. No matter how bad a woman treats you, you annoy her just as much just by existing, so whatever she does to you, however childishly she acts, as a Man, it is your fault also.

Un freaking believable. Pun intended.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

:iagree:

Wow, we know now where the female entitledness and the spoiled princess is coming from...


----------



## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

May I add that unfortunately, Valentines Day as well as your cat do not care when they arrive/shred your stuff, they just are/do.

This is less about the loveyness of today and more about your already discontent feelings with her. You can give her gifts, say apologies and put things aside because today is what it is. Nothing will change. But if I were you, I'd sit her down for a good chat about your relationship and why you have 20 arguements at all.

Then maybe she gets the roses.

Just saying.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> WTF am I reading?
> 
> Are you saying that women can just act like complete children, and that "it's not her fault" that she is acting like an unbearable cnut, and that Men should just deal with the fact their women are going to cause drama and fights? That women are absolved of all responsibility for their own conduct?
> 
> ...


That's not how I understood their post. They'll have to correct me if I am wrong but what I got from it was that women and men handle things differently and that he could try to be more understanding in his approach rather then well how he handled it. It's very wise advise.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm in the mood for flower stomping right now, but that's just me. *sigh*

Hmmm, it's only 5 minutes to midnight, maybe I'll head out to town and trash some flower stands.


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

It stinks that your nice gesture will not be the way it is suppose to be.

I think your wifes behavior was completely immature and unfortunately you walking away could have added fuel to the fire. 

We all have bad days and need to vent, regardless of the reason, we are responsible for how we express our frustrations/vents, in this case, completely out of line on her part. But you too could possibly hold some responsibility in your reaction to her vent. 

Did you simply walk away, or did you calmly say you didn't appreciate how she was treating you-that it was unacceptable and you would not tolerate it and that you would be willing to discuss it later if she wants? Then wait for her to calm down. 

Seems like she needs to get control of her emotions and if this a recurring scenario, you may need to look at how you respond to her when she does it. Her mood and how she handles it is not your fault, but depending on how you react (walkaway) is not helping it either. 

Good luck. As for the flowers, I'd give them away, to someone on the street or drop them at a hospital, and I would tell her. To me, giving someone a gift after they have acted so inappropriately is like saying that behavior is acceptable. It is not in my opinion.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My dog walks in circles before laying down. She doesn't think about it, doesn't plan it, and doesn't do it to piss me off. She does it because she's a dog. Your wife may be a total b&^ch. I'm just pointing out that she's incapable of switching off a bad mood and adopting a good one just because you walk in the room. You're probably incapable of watching TV and really listening to your wife at the same time. It's not that we don't care, it's that guy brains are not female brains. Her's was designed to pay attention to twenty things at once, perfect for someone who had to maintain the camp, tend to kids, collect nuts and berries, cook, and guard against attack all at the same time. Your male ancestors had to hunt, so intense focus was required. You can't be thinking about kids or what's for dinner if you're about to do battle with a Sabre Toothed Tiger. Men developed to transition from a battle state to a peaceful home-state. Women didn't. They need time to process things. You can try to beat a horse into submission or you can learn how horses naturally think, feel, and communicate and "talk" to them in a language they can understand. Easier on the horse and less stress for you. If you expect a woman to use rationality and just "get over it" when she's upset, it's like asking a VW beetle to pull stumps. It wasn't designed to do that. Understanding her capabilities and limitations might help you figure out how to work with them instead of against them.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> I am a female and I say throw them in the trash. Just because she was having a bad day/night doesn't mean it's ok to act like a toddler. For the others that say that women handle things differently...Yeah we do, but I don't go around the house nagging at my husband for hours because I am in a bad mood. I am mad for like 5-10 min tops before I am tired of being mad (if it's for something small like that). My husband will even make fun of me for being mad at something so small and I can't help but agree with him sometimes.


This sounds a lot like me. I can compartmentalize very well too. 

Maybe I'm half man.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> That's fine if it's just once or twice Wiltshireman because we all have bad days and need to vent, but when it happens 20 times a year it then becomes unforgiveable and gets old really quickly. And as for the flowers............she will get them at 8:30pm as a result of her a-hole behavior tonight that was uncalled for.


So she has a tantrum & gets "rewarded" with flowers.

Seriously?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Yep, I vote for no flowers. Tantrums should never be rewarded.


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Why argue back or walk away? Why not just say "look, I know you had a rough day and are upset, do you want to talk?"


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

When my exHusband used to yell & scream at me I would put duct tape over my mouth to remove the temptation to yell back. It also sent a strong message that I was NOT going to ENGAGE.


----------



## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> I am a female and I say throw them in the trash. Just because she was having a bad day/night doesn't mean it's ok to act like a toddler. For the others that say that women handle things differently...Yeah we do, but I don't go around the house nagging at my husband for hours because I am in a bad mood. I am mad for like 5-10 min tops before I am tired of being mad (if it's for something small like that). My husband will even make fun of me for being mad at something so small and I can't help but agree with him sometimes.


I agree. Do not reward bad behavior. By the way, do you act like a "nice Guy", overly accommodating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Women are not men. We can be pissed one minute, drop it, and move on to something else. A woman's brain doesn't work that way. It's not her fault and you won't find a woman on earth equipped with a male brain. Men can mentally compartmentalize. Women have to work through crap and process it. Women's brains and male brains evolved differently and both are perfectly suited for the roles both genders traditionally fulfilled. This is caveman stuff and she can't change her brain any more than you can change your's. Trust me, your brain causes her frustration, too.


Venting is perfectly understandable. Picking on her husband because she's in a bad mood is abusive. It's not a man-brain/woman-brain thing. It's a dysfunctional behavior no matter who does it.


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Venting is perfectly understandable. Picking on her husband because she's in a bad mood is abusive. It's not a man-brain/woman-brain thing. It's a dysfunctional behavior no matter who does it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> .......she's lucky I did not throw her Valentines Day roses in the trash!! And so instead of her getting them in the morning like I had planned on, I am now going to make her wait til the end of the day when I get home(at 8:30pm)and they're currently hidden in the garage out of sight. Because tonight she was in a bad mood from work and from finding one of our cats had torn up something, so she then decided she was going to try and take it out on me all night long by picking at me for anything and everything! Then when I did the whole leaving the room thing she just kept waiting for me to come back out to go after me again, and so once I had enough of it for two hours I then SNAPPED and it turned into an ugly shouting match between us!


I am so so sorry you had such a difficult day 

I know I have said this before but:

While just leaving is preferable to yelling, you can take further steps to diffuse her from nitpicking you and to get her on a better track to communicating properly. Please please be open to what I'm suggesting and know I am NOT saying she right to treat you the way she is!

1) When she started complaining about the cat/work. Did you validate her FEELINGS? "I'm so sorry the cat tore that up, I know that must make you feel upset. Anything I can do to make it better?" 

Unvalidated feelings in a woman are like coal in a fire, unless you validate her feelings, then she'll keep on burning. In this case when she's left invalidated she burns directly at you (not right of her.) But you can help diffuse it all right at the beginning. I guarantee once you do so, she'll calm down a LOT.

2) Before you left, did you give warning? In many books I've read, they say that while necessary to leave when things get too heated, it's best to give her some kind of warning and give her a shot to change her behavior. "I want to hear and understand you, honey, but I cannot listen when you speak to me that way. Can you please say things calmer so I can better listen? I don't want to walk away and leave again" If she keeps on, THEN leave.

I stand by my opinion your marriage is not too far gone and you're both suffering from miscommunication/ simple man-woman differences. Entirely fixable!

Again, I'm sorry you had such an awful day


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sexless marriage and you are giving her flowers. Great way to reinforce her behavior. 



Cee,
You really need to read a book or get some therapy to learn how to deal with a woman who is being uber bltchy to you. 




Cee Paul said:


> .......she's lucky I did not throw her Valentines Day roses in the trash!! And so instead of her getting them in the morning like I had planned on, I am now going to make her wait til the end of the day when I get home(at 8:30pm)and they're currently hidden in the garage out of sight. Because tonight she was in a bad mood from work and from finding one of our cats had torn up something, so she then decided she was going to try and take it out on me all night long by picking at me for anything and everything! Then when I did the whole leaving the room thing she just kept waiting for me to come back out to go after me again, and so once I had enough of it for two hours I then SNAPPED and it turned into an ugly shouting match between us!


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Isn't making her wait for flowers that you have decided that she doesn't deserve a passive aggressive act?


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Women are not men. We can be pissed one minute, drop it, and move on to something else. A woman's brain doesn't work that way. It's not her fault and you won't find a woman on earth equipped with a male brain. Men can mentally compartmentalize. Women have to work through crap and process it. Women's brains and male brains evolved differently and both are perfectly suited for the roles both genders traditionally fulfilled. This is caveman stuff and she can't change her brain any more than you can change your's. Trust me, your brain causes her frustration, too.


While this is true, it does NOT justify blaming your spouse for things that aren't their fault, and doing everything you can to make them miserable. Not at all.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> WTF am I reading?
> 
> Are you saying that women can just act like complete children, and that "it's not her fault" that she is acting like an unbearable cnut, and that Men should just deal with the fact their women are going to cause drama and fights? That women are absolved of all responsibility for their own conduct?
> 
> ...


^This. I don't care how horrible my husband's day was, he has no right to come home and make my night as miserable as his day was. He can vent and talk trash about the people he works with, he can pout as much as he likes, and I will do what I can to make him feel better. But as soon as he takes it all out on _me_, a line has been crossed that should never be. I wouldn't put up with it, and Cee Paul is right not to put up with it either. I think he should have thrown the flowers in the trash. Bad behavior should not be rewarded.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

anony2 said:


> Isn't making her wait for flowers that you have decided that she doesn't deserve a passive aggressive act?


Not unless you think that receiving flowers is inherently aggressive. I suppose her poisonous personality is such that she might perceive a delay as a slight, but she would have to ignore her own ridiculous behavior in order to do that. Does she deserve flowers? No. Should she take offense at getting them? No. The original gesture of getting them wasn't intended to hurt.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> My dog walks in circles before laying down. She doesn't think about it, doesn't plan it, and doesn't do it to piss me off. She does it because she's a dog. Your wife may be a total b&^ch. I'm just pointing out that she's incapable of switching off a bad mood and adopting a good one just because you walk in the room.


NOT true. As a woman, I know exactly what I am capable of, and being in a "bad mood" doesn't make me treat my husband like a horrible person. And, frankly, when my husband walks in the room and I'm in a bad mood, my mood gets better just from seeing him. I've had some horrible days, absolutely wretched ones, and I've not allowed it to effect how I treat my husband. And if I do, I effing apologize because it's wrong to attack him for things that aren't his fault.


Also, comparing women to a freaking dog is insulting. Humans actually have intelligent free will and self-control. 



> You're probably incapable of watching TV and really listening to your wife at the same time. It's not that we don't care, it's that guy brains are not female brains. Her's was designed to pay attention to twenty things at once, perfect for someone who had to maintain the camp, tend to kids, collect nuts and berries, cook, and guard against attack all at the same time. Your male ancestors had to hunt, so intense focus was required. You can't be thinking about kids or what's for dinner if you're about to do battle with a Sabre Toothed Tiger. Men developed to transition from a battle state to a peaceful home-state. Women didn't. They need time to process things. You can try to beat a horse into submission or you can learn how horses naturally think, feel, and communicate and "talk" to them in a language they can understand. Easier on the horse and less stress for you.


This goes both ways. Yeah, a man can do what they can to relate to their wives and give them time to process their circumstances, but regardless of how stressed she is, it does not justify or excuse treating another person poorly. 

One of my neighbors is pregnant; she's out to get anyone who doesn't praise and worship her and fight to stay on her good list. She's buddy buddy with the apartment complex management, and she's done everything she can to get my husband and I in trouble, including falsely accusing us of things. Yeah, she's pregnant and has a little toddler. Stressful. 

But that doesn't give her the right to try and ruin my husband's and my reputation. 



> If you expect a woman to use rationality and just "get over it" when she's upset, it's like asking a VW beetle to pull stumps. It wasn't designed to do that. Understanding her capabilities and limitations might help you figure out how to work with them instead of against them.


This is nonsense. A woman's rational and brain function has nothing to do with her self-control. Nothing.


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul - Give her the flowers. You bought them because you love her. Don't turn it into a token of reward and punishment.

Always choose your actions according to your love. Not according to her actions, or your resentments, or hurt pride.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I didn't get that she was blaming him for the cat screwing things up or for her tough day at work, just that she was irritable and was behaving like an irritable woman. Those who can't deal with some moody, sometimes irrational emotional outbursts need to get a dog because that's just life for those who wish to live with a woman. I let mine vent or talk and if she's too evil, I give her some space. Her broom will come in for a landing. I don't tolerate screaming, cussing, breaking crap, threats, or assault. Beyond that, I let her be a woman . I know I'll catch crap from a host of women who swear their men would never find them moody, irrational, or excessively irritable. If there really are such beings, they need to rush to the nearest university because they are a scientific curiosities.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Not unless you think that receiving flowers is inherently aggressive. I suppose her poisonous personality is such that she might perceive a delay as a slight, but she would have to ignore her own ridiculous behavior in order to do that. Does she deserve flowers? No. Should she take offense at getting them? No. The original gesture of getting them wasn't intended to hurt.


Yes it is...

"Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There's a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. For a passive-aggressive person, true feelings are shared through actions, not words."

Passive-aggressive behavior: How can I recognize it? - MayoClinic.com

He is delaying giving her the flowers because he cannot directly confront his negative feelings that he experienced due to her tantrums.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I didn't get that she was blaming him for the cat screwing things up or for her tough day at work, just that she was irritable and was behaving like an irritable woman.


He specifically said that she was taking everything out on him. Whether it involved blame or not is irrelevant; it's inexcusable behavior. 



> Those who can't deal with some moody, sometimes irrational emotional outbursts need to get a dog because that's just life for those who wish to live with a woman.


You have a *low* opinion of women, it's hard not to take personal offense to your posts. There are those of us who actually care about our husband's feelings, and we don't blame them for things that aren't their fault. Not all of us are self-centered b!tches.



> I let mine vent or talk and if she's too evil, I give her some space. Her broom will come in for a landing. I don't tolerate screaming, cussing, breaking crap, threats, or assault. Beyond that, I let her be a woman .


I'm sorry that you have that kind of woman, and that that's the way you choose to let your marriages run. We need accountability too, fyi. Letting us throw childish tantrums is a horrible choice. 

[quuote]I know I'll catch crap from a host of women who swear their men would never find them moody, irrational, or excessively irritable. If there really are such beings, they need to rush to the nearest university because they are a scientific curiosities.[/QUOTE]

I never said women aren't moody. Yeah, I can be moody. Yeah, I can be irrational or excessively irritable. But the difference is that I don't let my mood effect how I treat my husband, and I do my best not to blame him for things that aren't his fault. I tell him, "I'm in a bad mood right now. Don't pick on me", but I don't nag him or talk on and on and on about all the things he does wrong, or berate him for being at work when I burnt my hand on the stove. 

Just because I feel something doesn't mean I can act however I wish.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Emerald 

Rofl

Truly perfect. I am betting that was very effective. 

Every once in a while either my wife or I would stand straight, hands crossed just below the fold belt line and say 'I am not defending my behavior, if you wish to continue to berating me, get it out of your system. 

Always worked.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Oh well, you keep putting up with it OP. 

I agree with the pp that said "life is too short".


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Oh well, you keep putting up with it OP.
> 
> I agree with the pp that said "life is too short".


I guess leave the flowers for her and leave a note "be back later don't wait up" and hit a sports bar. Sexless and abusive marriage, when is enough enough for you only you can answer that.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I never said women aren't moody. Yeah, I can be moody. Yeah, I can be irrational or excessively irritable. But the difference is that I don't let my mood effect how I treat my husband, and I do my best not to blame him for things that aren't his fault. I tell him, "I'm in a bad mood right now. Don't pick on me", but I don't nag him or talk on and on and on about all the things he does wrong, or berate him for being at work when I burnt my hand on the stove.
> 
> Just because I feel something doesn't mean I can act however I wish.


AND dont forget men can be in a bad mood too...And they need to NOT blame the woman.Of course lean on them..But not attack them which many men do..I'm tired of that supposedly being a "woman " thing" give me a break...


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

anony2 said:


> Yes it is...
> 
> "Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There's a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. For a passive-aggressive person, true feelings are shared through actions, not words."
> 
> ...


He's doing the Passive part. If he throws the flowers in her face, that's aggressive. If he gives them to her later after she's cooled down saying, "I got you flowers but the mood wasn't right earlier so I'm giving them to you now." that's aggressive?

Besides, he confronted her when presented with her behavior and didn't walk away until it was clearly too much, so he wasn't really passive.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> AND dont forget men can be in a bad mood too...And they need to NOT blame the woman.Of course lean on them..But not attack them which many men do..I'm tired of that supposedly being a "woman " thing" give me a break...


But when a man does it no one says that's just how men process things. They just say he's abusive.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Ya know... this just sounds like any other day in cee-pauls life.

The $40 flowers just complicated things...


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

VermisciousKnid said:


> He's doing the Passive part. If he throws the flowers in her face, that's aggressive. If he gives them to her later after she's cooled down saying, "I got you flowers but the mood wasn't right earlier so I'm giving them to you now." that's aggressive?
> 
> Besides, he confronted her when presented with her behavior and didn't walk away until it was clearly too much, so he wasn't really passive.


Your not understanding what 'passive aggressive' is.

The aggression part is NOT shown...that's the point... no PA would be as obvious as throwing something. 

PA can be as subtle as being late on purpose or forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning or withholding affection...or flowers....
on purpose.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Your not understanding what 'passive aggressive' is.
> 
> The aggression part is NOT shown...that's the point... no PA would be as obvious as throwing something.
> 
> ...


Let me get this straight. If I have a big blowup with you and then later decline to keep the date we made, say for dinner, I'm being PA? The first event is clearly related to the second unless I specifically say that all is forgiven. It (bad feelings) seems like a natural consequence of a bad argument. 

The OP didn't mention that bad feelings had dissipated after the blowup.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> AND dont forget men can be in a bad mood too...And they need to NOT blame the woman.Of course lean on them..But not attack them which many men do..I'm tired of that supposedly being a "woman " thing" give me a break...


Well, yeah. Men can be in bad moods too. But the OP was about a woman using her bad mood to make her husband feel like [email protected]


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Let me get this straight. If I have a big blowup with you and then later decline to keep the date we made, say for dinner, I'm being PA? The first event is clearly related to the second unless I specifically say that all is forgiven. It (bad feelings) seems like a natural consequence of a bad argument.
> 
> The OP didn't mention that bad feelings had dissipated after the blowup.


No, if your wife does something that bugs you, and you do not tell her that it bugs you but then out of spite, you decide to not go on the dinner without telling her that you aren't coming...that is passive aggressive.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Let me get this straight. If I have a big blowup with you and then later decline to keep the date we made, say for dinner, I'm being PA?


No... this is probably how most grown ups would act... 

The PA person would be (purposely) late or forget about the dinner date... but later apologise...

" Soooooo sorry, didn't mean to be late/forget... hope it didn't upset you dear"

The PA person is mad/angry/hurt but smiles and pretends everything is fine then, under the radar, they do sly sneaky things to release their anger and punish the 'bad person'. They hide this side of themselves and want to be seen as loving and wonderful...but really their angry and manipulative. I have found (generally) they tend to have poor or no communication skills.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

A man or a woman can have a bad day and act irrationally, be over emotional. Occassionaly is one thing, if it happens too often then its a problem, male or female. To think that this is just the way women are is self delusion. Women usually are more emotional than men but bad treatment, disrespect is just that, there is no excuse. Its genderless.

I also believe in logical consequences as a response. But you would hear what I have to say as well. If you need a punching bag go buy one your spouse is not there for that purpose.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> He specifically said that she was taking everything out on him. Whether it involved blame or not is irrelevant; it's inexcusable behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I never said women aren't moody. Yeah, I can be moody. Yeah, I can be irrational or excessively irritable. But the difference is that I don't let my mood effect how I treat my husband, and I do my best not to blame him for things that aren't his fault. I tell him, "I'm in a bad mood right now. Don't pick on me", but I don't nag him or talk on and on and on about all the things he does wrong, or berate him for being at work when I burnt my hand on the stove. 

Just because I feel something doesn't mean I can act however I wish.[/QUOTE]

I have a low opinion of women because I point out the same truths that you admit to be correct even in your own life? I didn't dream this stuff up. The brain differences between the genders is scientific fact and has been the subject of numerous studies. Also, I wasn't born last week. I've met women. I've married them, fathered them, arrested them, investigated them, supervised them. I adore women and respect them tremendously. I just recognize they aren't guys above the neck any more than below the waist, nor are they supposed to be.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Those cats have got to go.

She's kinda weird about the cats.


----------



## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Hmmm, maybe she was fearing how you would treat her on Valentine's Day. I.e, either she didn't want to give you an opportunity to be sweet and thoughtful and thus "deserve" kind and loving treatment from her....or....she couldn't stomach you showing her love and kindness in some sweet Valentine's way, because she basically has contempt and disgust for you. 

There are probably other options but those seem most likely to me.

The cat stuff is Bull$hit.


----------



## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Hey, if I hit my wife because she was being a miserable cnut, could I simply say "I was hormonal" as an excuse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Hey, if I hit my wife because she was being a miserable cnut, could I simply say "I was hormonal" as an excuse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure, but that probably wouldn't work as well with your new cellmate/boyfriend...:lol:


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> Cee Paul - Give her the flowers. You bought them because you love her. Don't turn it into a token of reward and punishment.
> 
> Always choose your actions according to your love. Not according to her actions, or your resentments, or hurt pride.


So, if you had a nice sexy night planned for your husband, and he reacted that way, would you still go forward with your plans? i don't think so, and rightly so. I don't see why that does not apply here either.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> .......she's lucky I did not throw her Valentines Day roses in the trash!! And so instead of her getting them in the morning like I had planned on, I am now going to make her wait til the end of the day when I get home(at 8:30pm)and they're currently hidden in the garage out of sight. Because tonight she was in a bad mood from work and from finding one of our cats had torn up something, so she then decided she was going to try and take it out on me all night long by picking at me for anything and everything! Then when I did the whole leaving the room thing she just kept waiting for me to come back out to go after me again, and *so once I had enough of it for two hours I then SNAPPED and it turned into an ugly shouting match between us!*


So while you have gotten a lot of advice, I am going to call you out on this. You snapping is on you. You control yourself and you don't have to act that way. Consider that she is uncomfortable with the new you and is egging you on to bring you back to the familiar dynamic. 

You need to break this cycle and unfortunately you need to do it alone. So toughen up and see it for what it is. If that means leaving the house, then do it.

This explosion is on you.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Women are not men. We can be pissed one minute, drop it, and move on to something else. A woman's brain doesn't work that way. It's not her fault and you won't find a woman on earth equipped with a male brain. Men can mentally compartmentalize. Women have to work through crap and process it. Women's brains and male brains evolved differently and both are perfectly suited for the roles both genders traditionally fulfilled. This is caveman stuff and she can't change her brain any more than you can change your's. Trust me, your brain causes her frustration, too.


that doesnt justify treating someone like crap.



ComicBookLady said:


> Cee Paul - Give her the flowers. You bought them because you love her. Don't turn it into a token of reward and punishment.
> 
> Always choose your actions according to your love. Not according to her actions, or your resentments, or hurt pride.


Nope. 

Dont reward bad behavior, it encourages more of the same and teaches that she can mistreat you without consequence. You can love her without giving her flowers.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Well she got her 2 dozen roses _tonight_ along with a nice Valentines Day card that had a very personal but thoughtful message in it, and she texted me several times today to apologize and also cooked a nice dinner to boot. Now does that make everything ok and acceptable - NO, but for now it restores the peace which after a long hard day at work is all you can ask for for the moment.

And I appreciate all the input and some were helpful and others - not so much(and came off sounding very imature); and as far as that whole men vs women debate goes, all I can say is that we take our fair share of turns being an a-hole to one another.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Well it's not like it's $400 lol so I still would
> Much better than having the anger still inside then going for a drive, crashing the car or ripping the paint and spending a few thousand. Nah, $40 stress relief with my boot on the flowers would be better
> 
> But if it was really expensive then I would probably give it to another woman, which will of course, cost me my head


For some reason I always picture you as this dude in his early to mid 20's still living with his parents, and just smoking a bong - cruising through life - and trying to figure things out(lol).


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tall,
You won't get a response from comic lady on this. Did you ever read animal farm?



QUOTE=Tall Average Guy;1452426]So, if you had a nice sexy night planned for your husband, and he reacted that way, would you still go forward with your plans? i don't think so, and rightly so. I don't see why that does not apply here either.[/QUOTE]


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CP,
In your youth and early adult life your size and strength were a gift. I am sure one of the reasons your wife was attracted to you is that you are big and physically strong. 

But the very same combination of testosterone, adrenaline and a moderately aggressive personality that make you such a formidable protector for her, make it fairly easy for her to bully you. 

It is sad, because you have most of a lifetime associating that surge of anger with that Hulk like burst of physical strength that comes along with it. 

But in many marriages, the wife's primary battle tactic is based on her ability to make you lose your temper. 

The sad thing is that you seem unwilling to accept the most basic truth about strong women. They are compelled to test your emotional strength. They are wired to do this. And they are repelled by weakness. They can't help that either. And when presented with an act that could be either kindness or weakness, their default assumption is that it is weakness. 

No matter what else, if your wife remains certain she can:
- get you to lose your temper and say foolish things and
- wait you out until you apologize first for any fight

She will not want to sleep with you. She might do it every once in a long while out of guilt, boredom, alcohol goggles, but she won't really desire you like she did at the start. 

So you can ignore this. And shrug it off. But it is the well intended truth of a man who is enough like you to understand what is happening. 


QUOTE=Cee Paul;1452986]For some reason I always picture you as this dude in his early to mid 20's still living with his parents, and just smoking a bong - cruising through life - and trying to figure things out(lol). [/QUOTE]


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I appreciate the input Mem11363 and I was just poking fun at Random Dude, because most of his solutions/answers are things I thought of when I was a lot younger and getting high all the time.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Seriously?? So she had a bad day and you're going to take Valentines Day away from her and hide her roses?

Everybody has a bad day and this may have been one of her worst at work. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most.

So she comes home and rants and raves. Would have been kinda nice that the highlight of her day was to find roses from you for Valentine's Day..making her feel kinda stupid..yet at the same time making her bad day so much better.

After that..I'm sure she would have apologized.

I can't believe you actually hid her roses out of anger. It was Valentine's Day for pities sake. Here's hoping you went the extra mile and sent her a dozen or more to her workplace to make up for the idiot you were for hiding the ones you bought her for Valentines Day. 

Strap on a pair and grow up!!


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> Seriously?? So she had a bad day and you're going to take Valentines Day away from her and hide her roses?
> 
> Everybody has a bad day and this may have been one of her worst at work. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most.
> 
> ...


You would have to go back and read 100 threads and posts I've written in the past to truely have a clue, because those who have followed my rocky relationship with her on here the past 8 or 9 months _understand_ the situation a little better(it goes waaay past just one night of rants and raves). And when it was all said and done she still got her roses on Valentines _evening_ instead of that morning.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I know you were joking. And I am rooting for you. 

The stuff below is not easy to get good at. You might want to try tape recording a week of conversations. Put a voice activated recorder in the tv room. And then find a friend who is good at this and who you fully trust, and play them the parts that went badly and ask their advice. 

The point of the recordings is NOT to play them back to your wife to prove she was being mean. It is solely to learn how to respond more effectively to her. 

You really will impress your wife if you learn to use very few words and some low key body language to let her know she is being disrespectful. And it will only take a month or two for her to learn that you will wait her out if she is nasty and then refuses to apologize. And 'wait her out' means doing a 180 until she does. 

I can't see how it could feel worse than the sexless, respectless situation you are currently in. 

Staying in the same room while she relentlessly pokes at you is a guaranteed disaster. Even if you grit your teeth and don't speak your fury will be obvious. And she will see it as doormat like behavior if you just quietly 'take it'. 

If you learn to calmly say 'it is not ok to take your bad day out on me'. And the when she argues, and she will, that she isn't doing anything wrong and you are being hypersensitive, just smile, shrug and shake your head no. And then if she keeps up, get up and leave her presence. 

She KNOWS she is being a bltch. She is just waiting for you to prove you can handle her. 

That said, when she angrily says 'I am really mad that the cat did....', that is just harmless venting and needs to get the empathy and kindness routine: 'I know, it is really frustrating, sorry the cats destructive mischief is making you angry'. 

Ideally you can do the 'I was mad when I first noticed it as well'. 

Good luck. 


QUOTE=Cee Paul;1473260]I appreciate the input Mem11363 and I was just poking fun at Random Dude, because most of his solutions/answers are things I thought of when I was a lot younger and getting high all the time. [/QUOTE]


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It's not nice when women act like that and you have my sympathy. 
I don't know how to change it, other than just going in another room or even out of the house because you should not have to deal with that on a regular basis.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> I know you were joking. And I am rooting for you.
> 
> The stuff below is not easy to get good at. You might want to try tape recording a week of conversations. Put a voice activated recorder in the tv room. And then find a friend who is good at this and who you fully trust, and play them the parts that went badly and ask their advice.
> 
> ...



I have tried a number of different things but there really isn't just one real good answer, because if there was then the divorce rate would only be at maybe 1% instead of 52% in this country.


----------



## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I think we all have days where nothing seems to go right and then when we get home and need a good "rant" our family do not understand / know what its all about.
> 
> If it is not to late to do so please bring the flowers in from the garage and place them on the bedside table before you leave for work. Add a post it note to the card "sorry you where unhappy last night". This may make way for "making up".


I like your wise opinion...... I wish other people can have this kind of approach.


----------



## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

So now, I want to know what happened. What did you decide to do? I wouldn’t have played along by exacerbating the situation and risking her finding the roses in the garage. That seems so passive aggressive.I too think you should have left them at her bedside table because it shows that 1) that you support her through her bad days and 2) you love her despite of your fighting. You could have made those roses go a lot further than just a Valentine’s Day gesture. But hey at $40 I guess it is the kind of gift you put in the garage. In any case, the time has passed, so were you able to use Valentine’s as a way to work things through? Did you express that you don’t appreciate her taking her “bad day anger” out on you? If you didn’t you might have missed a really good chance.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ellen Steve said:


> So now, I want to know what happened. What did you decide to do? I wouldn’t have played along by exacerbating the situation and risking her finding the roses in the garage. That seems so passive aggressive.I too think you should have left them at her bedside table because it shows that 1) that you support her through her bad days and 2) you love her despite of your fighting. You could have made those roses go a lot further than just a Valentine’s Day gesture. But hey at $40 I guess it is the kind of gift you put in the garage. In any case, the time has passed, so were you able to use Valentine’s as a way to work things through? Did you express that you don’t appreciate her taking her “bad day anger” out on you? If you didn’t you might have missed a really good chance.


You must have skipped over the last 50 posts where we all already talked about it, but I will recap and tell you that she got the roses the evening of Valentines Day along with a very nice card and all was forgiven for the time being. Then the Saturday after Valentines we went out to a swanky seafood restaraunt overlooking the water and had a very nice & romantic dinner, and now so far we have not argued or fought since.


----------

