# Troubled and Needing Advice



## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

I have been married for 18 years, we have three kids, and at the beginning of last month, my husband admitted to a several month affair. He is having trouble giving up the OW. He says he wants to save the marriage, but is not acting that way. He generally is a man of his word and he has always been a good father. Our marriage has been on rocky ground for years, but the therapist seems to believe that those issues are issues that could generally be worked through between us. I have been falling apart at work and run the risk of losing my job - all because I am having difficulty getting over the cheating. It sends me to a quivering mess whenever the triggers about my worry about what he is doing hits me. He keeps calling her and refuses to promise me that he will not cheat. He says that the refusal is because he feels I am trying to control him and the situation. I feel that I have only two choices 1) have him promise he won't cheat and try to work on the issues - though at this point I am not sure it is possible or 2) I choose to end things. 

My frustration is that I feel torn that I should try to work on things, but know I can't live without his word about not cheating. I gave him a deadline of tomorrow to make a decision about if he is willing to give me his word or not. He says he doesn't think he will be able to make that deadline. I chose that deadline because Tuesday I have to work and I feel that to be able to focus on my work. He has had weeks to think about whether he wants to make this decision. Am I right in thinking that if he isn't able to meet this deadline - it is because he probably never will and it will be easier for me to get over in the long run if I just end it. 

I really need your help. Am I crazy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now you are not crazy. Not at all.

You need to start doing things for yourself. This is a very hard thing he is putting you through. I suggest that you start doing the 180 (see the link in my signature block). 

It's clear that he wants both of you. He cannot have both of you. You have to make him realize that.

Do you know who the OW is? Is she married or have a 'significant other'? If she is married you need to take what proof you have and expose the affair to her husband. She will then be focused on the mess she has made of her marriage. Her husband has the right to know.

Have you told your family and his family yet?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How can he live with himself knowing his wife and the mother of his children is literally having her life torn away from her and what's worse he has "trouble giving her up" well poor you...... moron.

Listen, compose yourself and DO NOT lose your job. That's your safety net in-case you proceed with a divorce. It's not you who should be working on things, if he has any respect or love for you he should be grovelling on his knees for your compassion and prays you agree to reconcile. No one should have to put up with cheating especially from a selfish ass like your husband. You have alot of cards up your sleeve that can potentially do a lot of damage to him and the other woman but it's ultimately up to you where you want to proceed with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yogapants said:


> He says that the refusal is because he feels I am trying to control him and the situation.


The answer to this: “This is not all about you. I am setting boundaries in my life. This is about what I will allow in my life. I will not stay married to a man who is cheating. It’s your choice what you want to do. I am making my own choices.”


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

I really appreciate both of the advices!!

Actually it was her husband (recently separated) that called me at work and informed me. Once I asked the question - my husband immediately admitted it and then he says that he also immediately ended it - except for the emotional affair. 
I have told my close friends and co workers. Crazily, I was hiding it because I knew he didn't want the information to get out and I had hoped that we could work on things - My brother - who is also going through a situation - has been a strong supporter. Though given all that he is going through - it hasn't been easy. 

He says that the whole reason he had the affair was because of his issues with me. Some of his issues are not that far off base, but what he doesn't seem to get is that some of the things I was doing - I was only doing because he was not doing his part to fix things. 

I have seen so many times when the children really are hurt by divorce and my kids (ages 17, 9, & 8) are so important to me. What is worse is that my oldest son is actually friends with the OW and my youngest son was best friends with her son. I don't want to make decisions in the separation that will hurt the kids, but if he chooses to not even try to work on the relationship - I just don't know how to keep things civil. If it comes to it - are there any helpful hints on how to keep things civil? Or should I not even bother? 

I will check out the 180.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It would be a good idea to read up on the divorce laws in your state and to see an attorney. You need to know your rights.

Does your oldest son know about the affair?

If he tells you tomorrow that he will not give her up, it might be wise for you to ask him to leave until he gives up the affair. 

This is help you keep it civil. If you don't see him and you are doing the 180 you will not have a chance to be uncivil. 

Don't talk to him until he gives her up or you are divorced. Whichever comes first. Only communicate with him via email and only about the children. 

Begging, pleading, looking sad, etc will not get him to leave the other woman (OW). Showing him that he is losing you by doing the 180, asking him to leave …. Those things might very well get him to leave the OW.

Also, affairs are built on fantasies. Once they are both away from their spouses it puts a lot of pressure on the affair… pressure that few affairs survive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that might help you a lot. .. "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

My oldest does know. He its torn. He is good friends with her OW and my husband. He feels that my husband had points about what my husband has problems with. I am bringing my soon to counseling this week. Hopefully that will help him better understand the impact the cheating had had on me.

I had a one hour call with hubby this evening to remind him that tomorrow would be the day that I make the change. Minutes after getting of the phone with me, he called her for half an hour. Don't know what that will mean, but I will stay silent until tomorrow. If he doesn't make the right choice, 180 will be my path. Until or talk tomorrow I will also be doing 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your husband told your son the laundry list of everything wrong with you that he uses as an excuse to cheat? Wow... that's slimy.

What you son needs to learn is that there are no excuses for cheating. If your husband was unhappy he should have gone with you to marriage counseling.

How do you know he called her after getting off the phone with you?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The answer to this: “This is not all about you. I am setting boundaries in my life. This is about what I will allow in my life. I will not stay married to a man who is cheating. It’s your choice what you want to do. I am making my own choices.”


I agree with this, EG. Your advise is right. By the way, how did WH come to confess?
1. Start 180, suggested already by EG.
2. Test yourself for STDs.
3. Grow strong, from what you have posted, you are clear about things and what you are doing. That is a real good sign.
4. Dont give up your efforts, I know it sucks.
Sorry you are here.


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

The problem with the 180 plan - if it is to get him back - is that the one he has to go to will gladly fill every need. She is a drug for him. The problem is... She already has my oldest son on her side, she has my youngest son asking when he can go to her house and visit her son, and it would take very little for her to sweep my 8 year old daughter away. She could easily wipe me out of their lives in no time. She has a Masters in Psychology and is one of the most even tempered people you have ever heard of - which is a complete opposite of me after finding out. 

I feel that he should want to give our marriage a full try or the gloves come off and there not only is no marriage, but it will be a fight. I don't want to do that to the kids, but I feel that if I don't take some stands - I will loose it all.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

yogapants said:


> The problem with the 180 plan - if it is to get him back - is that the one he has to go to will gladly fill every need. She is a drug for him. The problem is... She already has my oldest son on her side, she has my youngest son asking when he can go to her house and visit her son, and it would take very little for her to sweep my 8 year old daughter away. She could easily wipe me out of their lives in no time. She has a Masters in Psychology and is one of the most even tempered people you have ever heard of - which is a complete opposite of me after finding out.
> 
> I feel that he should want to give our marriage a full try or the gloves come off and there not only is no marriage, but it will be a fight. I don't want to do that to the kids, but I feel that if I don't take some stands - I will loose it all.


I understand. Believe me, deceit and falsehood does not last longer. Your kids are yours and how could she sway them away from you? Masters in Psychology? Forget it.

Stay strong.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I understand. Believe me, deceit and falsehood does not last longer. Your kids are yours and how could she sway them away from you? Masters in Psychology? Forget it.
> 
> Stay strong.


Exactly this. 

She can never turn your kids against you, you're their mum. Period. Play her at her game, who cares what degree she has. *Never *let her get to you or let her break you down mentally, that's exactly what she wants. I suggest you get into contact with her ex husband for more info about her and how you can work around her mind games. Plus don't over analyse things, your younger children are too innocent to know the intricacies of what's going on, they just want to hang out with their friends, I would worry about your husband brainwashing/re writing your marriage to your eldest son and that's something you need to address asap. It is bizarre however that he's friends with her. Maybe you need to tell him about the reality of this woman, what she did to her ex husband and what she's doing to your family now.

The intention of the 180 plan is build you up mentally and to give you self confidence, your husband comes secondary. It's ultimately up to him whether he decides he has a future with a cheater or with his family.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First off, go to your MD for some meds to help you evenout the emotios. Doctors see this all the time and posters her swear they help a lot. You might have to try more than one.

Secondly get a shark of an attorney to discuss your options. Also get him to get a court order to keep your kids away from s!ut OW.

Keep track (written) of everything going on. Get all the evidence you can. You may need it for the divorce, child custody hearing. 

The 180 is NOT designed to get your husband back. It is to help you become stronger and take your life back. A side effect will be to make you more attractive and that can bring the wayward spouse back. But, the 180 is for you.

You also need to start exercising as this has wonderful benefits for you mentally.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did this affair start with the psychologist?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't let yourself build her up to be an unstoppable monster.

she's just a monster 

seriously, she wasn't so smart to keep her own husband around while she hooked up with yours. He figured it out and got out - it sounds like you talking to him will reveal a lot of her faults and weakness.

Also, you have the law on your side.

Affairs hate the light of day. So get evidence and expose. I know you've done this some already.

Sometimes it takes the actual filing for divorce.

Sometimes it takes divorce.

one thing is for sure - you should never accept being cheated on.


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

Well... Confusion. I gave him the decision - he can completely cut her out and we can work on the relationship or (because he isn't willing to try to work on the relationship) I will burn his world down (yes I know this isn't the most appropriate way to deal with these feelings) quite vengefully as a way to kill what exists of the love in my heart. 
He did decide that he would cut her out of his life, though he does feel that he won't be able to stop feeling for her. He does say he wants the marriage to work.
Now... I did he make this decision because he doesn't want his world to be hit with my vengefulness and will only put basic effort into making his changes - then say it is my fault that I am asking him to leave and insist that I was given a chance to work on our issues - so I shouldn't have as much (if any) vengence. 

I'm going to accept cautiously. I will do every effort to make things work on my side. I will put my 100% in (partially because some of the issues he is complaining for (although not to the level he complains about them) are things that I can partially relate to.) If he in turns doesn't try, not sure what I will do - but at least I have a little time.


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