# Guilt feelings....was it really that bad?



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I've been plagued by feelings of guilt this week. Guilty for not sticking with my marriage and trying to make it work. For anybody who doesn't know my back story, I lived with an extreme and intolerable amount of verbal and emotional abuse during 2010, 2011 and the first part of 2012. I'll spare the gory details, but here are some highlights: My wife began telling slanderous stories about me to our mutual friends, suggesting I was having some type of mental breakdown (I work in a tightly regulated industry in a position that has high security and safety responsibilities, so I'm constantly under scrutiny. I've also passed multiple psych /personality profiles over a 12-plus year period. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think I'm sane enough...).

In addition to this, there were almost nightly rages, threats and occasional make-calling. By her own admission, she treated me like a child, saying "I deserved it." She would say hurtful things in front of our son, or say things in a very angry, disrespectful tone. She threatened to run away with him and go someplace I would never find them. The police visited our house once to investigate our family because she and her mother were convinced I had bugged the phones ( I did not). She became extremely dysegulated once because I had slept in "her" bed when she was away on a trip. Her untrue accusations eventually resulted in me being reported to Children's Services for something I didn't do. CPS never even opened an investigation...

In June, I moved out and announced my intention to divorce her. But I let things simmer until the first of the year, because I didn't feel right about moving ahead yet.

We went into mediation, and at the end the mediator told us she'd type up an agreement for if to take to our lawyer. The next day, my wife filed a divorce complaint on me. We have a court date May 23.

After I moved out, the verbal abuse completely stopped. I expected rages daily once she felt abandonment issues coming into play. If anything, she's been mostly reasonable and accommodating. If anything, a little smothering (She would offer to come up with menu ideas for my new place, even though I am a decent cook myself). It's been weird to see the person I thought I had married come out AFTER I moved out!

I feel guilty, because when I see her act SO NORMAL for SO LONG, I wonder if I am giving up on something salvageable. Don't get me wrong... I feel ZERO love for for her.  My loving feelings died a long time ago. But I also know love isn't just a feeling.

She has not acknowledged anything wrong in her past behavior. She says she was justified in doing everything she did. She refuses to seek help for herself when I suggest it. In fact, she fabricated a story that our marriage counselor had supposedly told her that she didn't have any issues, that she was doing her best, and that all she needed to do was be patient and wait for me to come around. I questioned the counselor about that specifically, and she said that not only did she not say it, but she can't even recall saying anything that could have been misconstrued that way.

I THINK my wife is still a very troubled woman. But with her being so reasonable and agreeable (at least to my face) for almost a year now, I feel guilty. 

Is she really a toxic, disordered woman who poses a danger to me emotionally (and possibly physically?) Or was this all a great big misunderstanding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hypnos (May 6, 2013)

I am in no way qualified to give any kind of advice (I've screwed up my own marriage to the point of near-extinction), so take this with a ridiculously small grain of salt...

During our engagement and maybe the first 2-3 years of our marriage my wife and I dealt with pretty serious issues related to her childhood. Her father convinced her that she was worthless, and this caused her to have constant insecurities tied to her self-worth as an adult that manifested in outbursts of sorts.

She had such a pattern I could almost tell immediately when things were starting, and what was coming next. She was start out extremely high, as though on a sugar rush - beaming with happiness. This would quickly shift into a terrible anger. She would find almost any excuse to start an argument and become enraged. While she never got to the point of being abusive, it was a pretty focused rage. She would be impossible to talk to, twisting anything I said against me. Then she would hit bottom, an inconsolable depression. Convinced that she wasn't good enough, and that I would leave her, she was a failure, etc.

We struggled with this for years, and I begged/pleaded/argued for her to get help. I even threatened divorce if she didn't get help, although I don't think I would have actually gone through with it. Eventually we did start counselling for her, and I went with her for the sessions. We got her on medication and it was almost a night and day change. She's always struggled with the problem, but getting her help made a world of difference.

I understand our situations are different, and my wife's behavior was different, but I tell you all of this to stress that getting her to admit she needed help was a struggle - but eventually she made the first step. Now, unlike your wife, mine did recognize a problem and maybe that's the key here. If you're wife refuses to even acknowledge the issue it's going to be a tough hurdle to get her the help she obviously needs.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hypnos said:


> I am in no way qualified to give any kind of advice (I've screwed up my own marriage to the point of near-extinction), so take this with a ridiculously small grain of salt...
> 
> During our engagement and maybe the first 2-3 years of our marriage my wife and I dealt with pretty serious issues related to her childhood. Her father convinced her that she was worthless, and this caused her to have constant insecurities tied to her self-worth as an adult that manifested in outbursts of sorts.
> 
> ...


For what it's worth, our marriage counselor is OK with my decision. She saw how bad things were, and she validated my belief that I was being emotionally abused. 

I'm glad your wife got help. I've talked with others (including my own Dad) who divorced disordered women after 30+ years and they lamented all the time they feel they wasted trying to make an impossible situation work. Sigh.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hypnos said:


> I am in no way qualified to give any kind of advice (I've screwed up my own marriage to the point of near-extinction), so take this with a ridiculously small grain of salt...
> 
> During our engagement and maybe the first 2-3 years of our marriage my wife and I dealt with pretty serious issues related to her childhood. Her father convinced her that she was worthless, and this caused her to have constant insecurities tied to her self-worth as an adult that manifested in outbursts of sorts.
> 
> ...


For what it's worth, our marriage counselor is OK with my decision. She saw how bad things were, and she validated my belief that I was being emotionally abused. 

I'm glad your wife got help. I've talked with others (including my own Dad) who divorced disordered women after 30+ years and they lamented all the time they feel they wasted trying to make an impossible situation work. Sigh.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hurtnohio said:


> For what it's worth, our marriage counselor is OK with my decision. She saw how bad things were, and she validated my belief that I was being emotionally abused.
> 
> I'm glad your wife got help. I've talked with others (including my own Dad) who divorced disordered women after 30+ years and they lamented all the time they feel they wasted trying to make an impossible situation work. Sigh.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Brother,

If anyone on this board has "ever" been abused, it was you.

Anytime you start softening, I want you to think about the insulting nature of "Serve Day" when she brought your congregation to your home to pick up the slack.

She is one brassy lying broad.

And, what you're seeing now is merely disaster avoidance.

Anyone that lives and/or gets close to her, she destroys.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My STBXH said he feels like a complete failure.

Yet he never did a single thing to work on our marriage, he just ran away to other women.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Was she ever checked for bipolar or multiple personality synd? You almost couldn't write that for a movie script.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Thumper said:


> Was she ever checked for bipolar or multiple personality synd? You almost couldn't write that for a movie script.


No, she refuses to even consider being evaluated. When I suggested maybe BOTH of us being evaluated, her exact response was:"Why should I be evaluated? I don't have any issues!" She also told me if I would just be a better husband, Christian, and father, then we wouldn't have any issues.

Hard to fix the problem when you can't identify it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Even with a pending divorce, a chance to save the marriage, she's unwilling to look in the mirror? Sounds bipolar at minimum. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Thumper said:


> Even with a pending divorce, a chance to save the marriage, she's unwilling to look in the mirror? Sounds bipolar at minimum. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've had more than one therapist tell me she's got the best of both worlds: she's wanted me gone for a while, but now she can paint me as the bad guy since I was initially the one who left. 

And talk about 2-faced! She is ALMOST sweet and loving toward me when we interact. But not a single word about trying to work on her issues, or wanting to do anything to win me back or anything. The closest she came is asking me if I wanted to try to work things out. When I told her that would be impossible unless she addressed her issues, she again got defensive and claimed she had none and this was ask my fault. When I told her I no longer had the energy to deal with the drama, she said, "Fine. I have my answer." That was the last time reconciliation was ever even broached.

I'm emotionally and mentally done! But I still feel guilty....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> I've had more than one therapist tell me she's got the best of both worlds: she's wanted me gone for a while, but now she can paint me as the bad guy since I was initially the one who left.
> 
> And talk about 2-faced! She is ALMOST sweet and loving toward me when we interact. But not a single word about trying to work on her issues, or wanting to do anything to win me back or anything. The closest she came is asking me if I wanted to try to work things out. When I told her that would be impossible unless she addressed her issues, she again got defensive and claimed she had none and this was ask my fault. When I told her I no longer had the energy to deal with the drama, she said, "Fine. I have my answer." That was the last time reconciliation was ever even broached.
> 
> ...


My WH told me about a month ago he wanted to mend our marriage.

He's done not a single thing. Lip service only.


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