# Stay together for the kids



## Mad-Ness (Jul 1, 2011)

would it be terrible to ask my husband if we can stay together for the kids? We get on really well but I am really not sure if I am in love with him any more. We have tried mc but he is never going to change and i'm so tired of fighting but I dont want to hurt the kids with a breakup. So do I stay and pretend to be happy, leave and hurt the family or stay with the understanding that its for the kids?
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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, stay for the kids, and stay for you. Falling out of love happens to most married couples at least once in their marriage. Stay with him and keep working on being a better and stronger woman, mother and wife. He may not change, but you can and the nature of your relationship will _eventually_ change because you have changed. Check out these articles:

Improve My Marriage: Strengthen a Marriage Through Positive Words and Actions

Change Your Marriage by Changing Yourself


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

I have to agree to a certain extent. I have a child too and I am of the belief that I will do anything to hold my marriage together for him. And I know that fundamentally marriage is tough and its about working though the hard times for the better ones ahead. Maybe individual counseling would help you also cope with your situation? Other than falling out of love, are there other things that make it difficult for you to live with him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say stay together for the kids as long as you're both working on fixing things. But if you're not working on fixing things, then separate. You deserve to be happy, and your kids deserve to see a healthy marriage. Plus the resentments and frustrations that build up are a breeding ground for an affair and the resulting blowup. You'd be much further ahead to separate when you're friends as opposed to enemies, and I think the kids would have a much better chance coming through healthier in that case as well.

C
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## Mad-Ness (Jul 1, 2011)

oh my hat I hate this man! I sometimes wish he would just die in a car accident and be done with it! He is an alcoholic and tonight he drank for the first time in 3 months. I'm currently locked in my bedroom for no other reason than he locked me in here. I fell asleep at the braai we were at. I was putting my son to sleep and fell asleep next to him. That must have been about 4 hours ago. The host woke me up now, my husband was drinking and they wanted to sleep. So we left and when we got home he started screaming. I asked him to stop for the kids but he is drunk and there is no reasoning with a drunk. So I eventually slapped him to try get him to listen for a minute. So he has now locked me in my room. He then locked the passage door as well. I can get out from the other door in the bedroom which leads to the garden but I cant get to my kids. I'm just so sick of my terrible life.
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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I disagree with the conventional wisdom. If you are so unhappy that that you "hate" your husband and wish he were dead, your anger and resentment is going to affect the kids more than if you left the marriage. You will continue to be unhappy and your kids will be unhappy because of it. If things are that bad, get out of it for the sake of the kids.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Mad-Ness said:


> oh my hat I hate this man! I sometimes wish he would just die in a car accident and be done with it! He is an alcoholic and tonight he drank for the first time in 3 months. I'm currently locked in my bedroom for no other reason than he locked me in here. I fell asleep at the braai we were at. I was putting my son to sleep and fell asleep next to him. That must have been about 4 hours ago. The host woke me up now, my husband was drinking and they wanted to sleep. So we left and when we got home he started screaming. I asked him to stop for the kids but he is drunk and there is no reasoning with a drunk. So I eventually slapped him to try get him to listen for a minute. So he has now locked me in my room. He then locked the passage door as well. I can get out from the other door in the bedroom which leads to the garden but I cant get to my kids. I'm just so sick of my terrible life.


That is a completely different set of circumstances. That is abuse and in the states (or at least in California) could be reported to child protective services, because of the possible danger to the children. The children do not need someone who locks their mother up. It doesn't matter that this only happens when he is drunk, it shouldn't be happening at all. In this particular situation, it may not be better for the kids if you stay.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

If he's drinking and it's come to such situation, it's better to leave him. The child deserves a decent life, even if with one parent only and the guy seems to not be worth being a husband and a father. A child who's seeing all this drama is better off with his mom only and seeing the father in the weekends, if the father can actually keep off the bottle for 48 hours.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

I say do what you think might work for you, but I hope there is more than just staying for the kids. From personal experience it doesn't make things any better. I'm saying this as a child who watched two people stay together for their children. It was painful. especially once we became teenagers and my parents starting leading separate lives that only intersected a day a week and major holidays. 
I wound up having trust issues and my brother has some serious issues with alcohol and drugs, along with severe relationship issues. not that I'm saying these were directly related to my parents relationship. 
Children are a lot smarter than we figure and if your really unhappy they will pick up on it, sooner or later. When they do you will be facing a whole lot more problems than just the ones you have now.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If you did not have children they would have remained for you?


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

In other words you could see yourself only if you assume there were no children but do they have?


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Take the kids and get out. You don't want to be apologizing to your adult children twenty years from now for enabling their alcoholic father. Only he can fix him and he obviously isn't choosing to.
Maybe you could stay together for the kids if the alcohol wasn't there, but it is. Don't stay. Your kids will end up praying for you to leave him.
Have you thought about how his behavior is going to affect your kids as they get older? Will they be afraid to have friends over? Will he go to their activities or will he choose drink first, or is he the sort who will attend but be drunk? Will he blame them for his drinking?
I am writing as the adult child of a functional alcoholic. Maybe he'll hit bottom without you and seek help, and you can reconcile with him later. Maybe he won't. But he has to want help, and find it, and you can't fix him.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Mad-Ness said:


> oh my hat I hate this man! I sometimes wish he would just die in a car accident and be done with it! He is an alcoholic and tonight he drank for the first time in 3 months. I'm currently locked in my bedroom for no other reason than he locked me in here. I fell asleep at the braai we were at. I was putting my son to sleep and fell asleep next to him. That must have been about 4 hours ago. The host woke me up now, my husband was drinking and they wanted to sleep. So we left and when we got home he started screaming. I asked him to stop for the kids but he is drunk and there is no reasoning with a drunk. So I eventually slapped him to try get him to listen for a minute. So he has now locked me in my room. He then locked the passage door as well. I can get out from the other door in the bedroom which leads to the garden but I cant get to my kids. I'm just so sick of my terrible life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So,......You slapped him and he locked you up. 


I suggest you do each other a favor and both separate. Your both doing the wrong things in front of your kids. Staying together will only teach your children that its ok to hit men and push and scream at women. 

Im sure you dont see it, but your marriage really is poisonous to your children. What they see now is how they will treat their spouses when married.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think it depends on the situation, and I admire you for considering your children. My divorce came at lightening speed at my x-wife's request. If the marriage is causing the kids to be miserable or in danger, that is one thing, but I came from a vanilla situation where my wife just became "unhappy." As far as the kids were concerned, things were great.

My x didn't seem to take the kid's well-being into consideration; it was all about her. I won't bore you with details, but she made comments and actions that proved it was all about her. She seemed to think the kids would just adjust and it would be no big deal. Well, the kids have no choice but to adjust, but that doesn't mean they needed that burden.

Due to my x's ways and Christian beliefs, it floored me that she had the "no big deal" attitude about divorce. I think her lack of caring about the kids feelings is one thing that makes me despise her the most. I think we had our turn at "falling out of love," but if she had been willing to work at it, I am certain things would have gotten better and a few years down the road she would have thought, "Whew! I'm glad I didn't get divorced." But, she looked at it as being done and was ready to hit the road.

I respect anyone for considering the kid's feelings, as most do, and have a low opinion of those, like my x, who couldn't seem to care less.


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## Mad-Ness (Jul 1, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I just want to clear up that I never hit him in front of the kids, I hit him out of frustration as he was screaming so loud he was going to wake the kids. Please understand that after a while you just cant take anymore and snap.

We went to a sports function a few weeks after that and he went to fetch the car because it was raining and we never saw him again. (I was with my daughter). He never answered his phone and I eventually found him with his friends very drunk. We had to catch a taxi home. He has not drunk since but its over for me. I don't love him anymore. The hair on my neck stands up when he comes near me. I have told him that I don't love him and I am staying for the kids. He kept on thinking that everything will be fine and we will be happy again, but I know its not true. 

Anyway, he loves the kids and they adore him so this is not about me. I've lived my life and now I have to do whats right for them. Its not so terrible, I have great friends and because there is no love there is no fighting (I just don't care enough) So all in all the kids don't have a clue and they love life.


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