# What's considered premature ejaculation?



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Just wondering what you all consider "premature". Is it anything under, say, 10-15 minutes? Is it less about time and more about inability to control it when you don't want to finish yet because your wife wants you to keep going? What do men really feel about it? If you regularly ejaculated within 5-10 minutes of sex, would that bother you? What causes it? Is it due to infrequent sex? 

This is going to be TMI, but this is always what happens with my H and I: he has no problems getting an erection. I don't do too much in the foreplay area with him, because it all brings him closer to ejaculating before we even get to the PIV part. So, once the PIV part starts, it only takes about 3 minutes before he's clamping down on me so I won't move and telling me to wait (I'm always on top). After a minute or two of waiting, he lets me start moving again, then he gets too close again and tells me to stop. Sometimes even if we're staying absolutely still, he can't control it and he cums. But even if he doesn't, we go through a few rounds of this stop/go stuff, and then finally he can't control it and it's over. Most times all in all sex lasts 5-10 minutes. 

I'm interested in your input because I have no one else to compare to. I am beyond frustrated, particularly because he just accepts this as normal and never tries to do anything about it. What, if anything, could he do about it if he cared to try?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

The standard definition of PE is < 2 minutes. 

In men, the bodily function orgasm is most closely related to is a sneeze believe it or not. (Not sure if this is also true for women) And holding back orgasm is in some respects like trying to hold back a sneeze. It's not impossible. 

There are a variety of medical and 'home style' remedies for PE.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

More sex! how often do you have sex?

I ejaculate quickly only if I haven't had sex or masturbated in awhile.

How about having sex and waiting 20 minutes then going at it again. The second time he should be able to go on and on and on... 

Thats the way it works for me


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

He can feel the urge to ejaculate when hes telling you to stop moving.Have you ever tried him wearing a condom to decrease
his sensitivity?

I can last pretty long,but If I give my wife oral so she can orgasm,
but then my problem is she is so wet that I can't finish.As I'm
close to 50 I can't go on for an hour.

Have you read up on firmly holding the base of his penis when he's about to orgasm.This is another possibility.

Maybe more foreplay will get you very close to orgasm before you have PIV sex.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Also, he can eat you out for 15 minutes until you've had 2 orgasms. I do this with my wife and she usually finishes within a few minutes of PIV after this as she is so sensitive.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

A couple questions...

Is he circumcized? Uncircumcised men tend to have quite a bit more sensitivity than circumcised men.

How often do you have sex?

Ten to 15 minutes of intercourse is a good, long time. I think most women would be quite happy with someone that lasted a good 10 minutes, and most guys would not feel bad about that. I unfortunately sometimes, am at the other end of the spectrum. I can go 1/2hour or often more, on the brink several times, and unable to push myself over if the excitement is not there. PinV just doesn't often give the stimulation I need, so I need to really get my head (upper head) into the game. Thankfully the W has zero complaints about that, and thinks she hit the gold mine. My ex, however, was constantly complaining about it. "You take too long". I told her there were many women out there who WISH they had that problem! Unfortunately, my ex also messed with my head, and I often worry, still, despite zero indication from my W, that I take too long, and that often makes it difficult to "get over the edge". 

At any rate, if you're having a lot of sex, and he's still losing it that soon (even if around 5 minutes seems to be the norm from what I understand), then try getting him off first, followed by a short "recovery period", and then move to intercourse. He'll likely last longer the 2nd time around.

Not sure, but check into ED meds too. He may not need them for ED, but they seem to work for PE. I know when I am on them, it lessens my sensitivity fairly considerably. A doc may not issue a prescription for them though if PE is the complaint, and he's lasting 5 to 10 minutes...because that really isn't PE.

Try things like giving him a bj or hj to completion, then letting him start foreplay on you. In the ten or so minutes of foreplay for you, you'll get ramped up, and he may be able to recover enough to go again...and last longer. And he'll be the lucky SOB that gets TWO orgasms per "session"!

I've got a bud like that. His first "pop" is pretty quick...but he keeps right on going until he gets his second one (he's somehow able to stay erect after his first one). He and his wife seem to do pretty well and are quite satisfied with that arrangement.






Does he masturbate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Just wondering what you all consider "premature". Is it anything under, say, 10-15 minutes? Is it less about time and more about inability to control it when you don't want to finish yet because your wife wants you to keep going? What do men really feel about it? If you regularly ejaculated within 5-10 minutes of sex, would that bother you? What causes it? Is it due to infrequent sex?
> 
> This is going to be TMI, but this is always what happens with my H and I: he has no problems getting an erection. I don't do too much in the foreplay area with him, because it all brings him closer to ejaculating before we even get to the PIV part. So, once the PIV part starts, it only takes about 3 minutes before he's clamping down on me so I won't move and telling me to wait (I'm always on top). After a minute or two of waiting, he lets me start moving again, then he gets too close again and tells me to stop. Sometimes even if we're staying absolutely still, he can't control it and he cums. But even if he doesn't, we go through a few rounds of this stop/go stuff, and then finally he can't control it and it's over. Most times all in all sex lasts 5-10 minutes.
> 
> I'm interested in your input because I have no one else to compare to. I am beyond frustrated, particularly because he just accepts this as normal and never tries to do anything about it. What, if anything, could he do about it if he cared to try?


If he's having to stop a few times in a 5-10 minute PIV then he probably has can last about 3 minutes without stopping. That's basically premature. 

what else do the two of you do for your pleasure? 

Why are you always on top?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Sex is only about once a month. It's been that way since we got married 19 years ago. We have a weird situation in this way: I would want it more except he has gained 120 lbs and I have lost attraction to him. Even when he was thinner (a long time ago), I had distanced myself from him b/c he was very controlling, hostile, and self centered. He has mellowed some, but his weight gain and constant complaints about his health are a turn off. I don't know if he wants it more than once a month...it just seems to happen about that often and otherwise he doesn't initiate. 

I would assume he masturbates (don't all men?), but it's a taboo subject. I tried asking him about it once, and he got so embarrassed and annoyed at my intrusive question but didn't answer it.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Yes he is circumcised. 

Why am I always on top? Because he weighs 3 times more than I do, so missionary style sex (which I crave terribly) would literally crush me. The only other position that we do on occasion is "doggie style". He can't do anything involving being on his knees, because it hurts them. He can't sustain a position that requires physical strength endurance, because he wears out. So basically he can either stand or lay on his back. Exciting, isn't it?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

At once a month he has no chance. Been there done that. At frequency 2-4 times a week I have to try to cum and can go as long as we like.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

From on top can you grind more than thrust? He gets less stimulation from the grind and would probably hang around longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Yes he is circumcised.
> 
> Why am I always on top? Because he weighs 3 times more than I do, so missionary style sex (which I crave terribly) would literally crush me. The only other position that we do on occasion is "doggie style". He can't do anything involving being on his knees, because it hurts them. He can't sustain a position that requires physical strength endurance, because he wears out. So basically he can either stand or lay on his back. Exciting, isn't it?


I can think of all kinds of positions with either of you on top. Maybe you two would benefit from a book on positions.


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## BellaLuna (Mar 3, 2013)

You say you've lost your attraction to him but you also want the sex to last longer than 10-15 minutes. Maybe you haven't really lost your attraction after all. maybe you just need to change things up


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

BellaLuna said:


> You say you've lost your attraction to him but you also want the sex to last longer than 10-15 minutes. Maybe you haven't really lost your attraction after all. maybe you just need to change things up


Attraction is definitely not there. I'm sorry, it sounds cold, but it's true. He's not the same man I married 120 lbs ago. As for why I want it to last longer, I guess I'm thinking that he doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that once he's done, the whole act is over and he doesn't even try to "help me out" afterward. One time I made him use his finger on me after he finished (he goes soft REALLY fast after he cums and it kinda shrinks back so no way it will stay in once he's done). I was using a vibe and I told him to use his fingers on me to help me finish. Even with this I do take a while to finish, but it didn't help when I looked at him and found him looking at his watch at least 3-4 times and yawning and stuff.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

That's horrible. 

First, a good lover would take care of the woman first. My wife gets her O before anything else. Fingers, tongue, whatever it takes. I do her first bc it makes her happy and also gets me going even more. Doesn't sound like either of those two happen with your H. Has he EVER taken care of you or has it always been you doing all the work and then it's over?



Waking up to life said:


> Attraction is definitely not there. I'm sorry, it sounds cold, but it's true. He's not the same man I married 120 lbs ago. As for why I want it to last longer, I guess I'm thinking that he doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that once he's done, the whole act is over and he doesn't even try to "help me out" afterward. One time I made him use his finger on me after he finished (he goes soft REALLY fast after he cums and it kinda shrinks back so no way it will stay in once he's done). I was using a vibe and I told him to use his fingers on me to help me finish. Even with this I do take a while to finish, but it didn't help when I looked at him and found him looking at his watch at least 3-4 times and yawning and stuff.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I have never had an orgasm by my husband directly. He will perform oral on me, and seems to like to, but there's something about it that just doesn't do it for me. Yes it's pleasurable, but not to the point of orgasm. I don't know how to tell him to do it differently, because I have no experience orgasming from oral. So I can't say whether it's his technique or if I'm weird.

So yeah it's pathetic that 19 years later I still keep hoping that I'll figure out how to get there during sex one of these times. But since I only get 5 minutes which are interrupted several times, I'm still not making any progress.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> Also, he can eat you out for 15 minute


Do you really need to refer to cunnilinguis as "eating her out"?

Sounds so primitive.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I should add, because a few very astute TAM members are bound to ask: yes, I have said in other threads that I am on the brink of divorcing my H. So you might ask, why does this sex issue matter now? 

Because sexual disconnection and dissatisfaction on my part are contributing to my dissatisfaction in my marriage. I know sex isn't everything, and it won't be there forever (or maybe I WILL still be having sex when I'm 90 ), But...I do feel that sexual expression and intimacy are important, and as I have no one else to compare to, I'm just curious as to whether my expectations are normal or out of line.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Waking, your sex life sounds dismal and depressing. If it isn't going to change then it may well be time to make some hard decisions. 

Sex may not be everything but lack of a good sex life is the pits.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

3 minutes sounds about normal for a guy getting it once a month.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Not sure of the clinical definition, but the government is working on it. They say they don't have a cure yet, but it is coming quickly.............:rofl:

Sorry, just couldn't resist.....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

donny64 said:


> Is he circumcized? Uncircumcised men tend to have quite a bit more sensitivity than circumcised men.


Paradoxically, circumcision lowers the rate of PE by a factor of 3. Yeah, it feels better when doing it, but it reduces the chances of an itchy trigger finger.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Many men once done lose all interest in sex and just want to pass out.
> 
> This in particular isn't personal it's biological that's why it works better if you finish FIRST.


I gotta disagree with that. That just comes off as inconsiderate. Men might lose a lot of our flare once we cum but there are plenty of us who feel it's important for our partner to get off and enjoy it when she does. Whether we get off first or not.

Looking at your watch and yawning while trying to get your wife off? That's being a **** and lazy on top of that.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It sounds like you take a long time to cum...How ling does it take when you masterbate?....That combined with only having sex once a month, and your potential for orgasm is doomed.......

I have never been a "hit it and quit it" guy.....If a woman gave me the gift of her body I made sure she KNEW I appreciated it.....Hours of foreplay and lovemaking are my idea of pure bliss...And the emotional bond it builds is priceless....

Making love is a skill, and shelfishness has no place in it.....From either partner......If you really want better sex, you are going to have to work at it. Unfortunately it seems your husband has little interest in getting you off.....

Is there a reason for that?

It is obvious you both have unmet emotional needs......The book "The 5 love languages" helped me and my wife.....

Even at this late date it couldn't hurt. You can get a copy on ebay for $10


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> It sounds like you take a long time to cum...How ling does it take when you masterbate?....That combined with only having sex once a month, and your potential for orgasm is doomed.......
> 
> I have never been a "hit it and quit it" guy.....If a woman gave me the gift of her body I made sure she KNEW I appreciated it.....Hours of foreplay and lovemaking are my idea of pure bliss...And the emotional bond it builds is priceless....
> 
> ...


When I take care of business all on my own, it can take anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes...20 tops but usually doesn't take that long. 

If I want better sex, I'm going to have to work at it. Yeah, just like if I want a better marriage I'm going to have to work at it. Problem is, I HAVE done my homework in both areas...my H doesn't put in any effort in either regard. I can't fix either problem all by myself. But I can at least learn a lot about myself and about realistic expectations. 

I have read at least 6 different books about marriage problems. Guess how many my H has read? None. He's too busy, plus he doesn't subscribe to "all that psychobabble".


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Good thread.

I am wondering if there is a correlation between your H's rapid fire and his emotional and mental immaturity? 

I'd like to hear how the guys respond to this. I'm not sure they can relate tho as they don't seem to be emotionally immature.

Hm.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

10 or 15 minutes is nowhere near premature ejaculation.I have the same problem as your husband.Typically when a man keeps having to start,stop,etc,he's doing so because if he just starts and goes,with constant thrusting,he can't last long.I can't last longer than about a minute or so of constant thrusting with my wife.Thats premature ejaculation.I contemplated having sex with my wife everyday.As others have stated a lot depends on the frequency of sex.I went a full month with no sex with my wife and I lasted about 40 or 45 seconds when we had sex.I contemplated having sex with my wife every day for a month to see if it would help.Perhaps you guys should try that.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Jasel said:


> I gotta disagree with that. That just comes off as inconsiderate. Men might lose a lot of our flare once we cum but there are plenty of us who feel it's important for our partner to get off and enjoy it when she does. Whether we get off first or not.
> 
> Looking at your watch and yawning while trying to get your wife off? That's being a **** and lazy on top of that.


:iagree:


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

totamm said:


> Do you really need to refer to cunnilinguis as "eating her out"?
> 
> Sounds so primitive.


Who calls it cunnilingus in normal conversation? Nobody 'cool' that's for sure.

How about "go down on you" .. I'm fine with that. Better for you?
OR
"performing oral on you" ..

I don't want to upset the old folks - might get their Depends in a twist.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My understanding is it's not a finite amount of time that defines it. Premature ejaculation is basically him coming before he wants to.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

bailingout said:


> Good thread.
> 
> I am wondering if there is a correlation between your H's rapid fire and his emotional and mental immaturity?
> 
> ...


It's unfortunate if both things are together in one person, but I don't think there's any correlation.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

His lack of effort and obtuseness regarding his wife's sexual displeasure is probably linked to emotional and mental immaturity.

How can a man NOT want to be the best his partner has ever had or ever could have. I very often make it my goal during sex to prove this very point to her. It's in my nature. I can't understand how anyone of either sex doesn't want to be viewed as sexually desirable. Not performing in bed = less desirable, all things considered.


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## Longtime married (Nov 28, 2012)

Maybe he does not act like it bothers him due to him knowing you are not attracted to him and you're considering a divorce. I know that would certainly haveare an affect on me.
Also once a month is not frequent enough for him to last much longer in my opinion. 

Have you guys sat down away from the bedroom and talked about the whole situation?
QUOTE=Waking up to life;1499050]Attraction is definitely not there. I'm sorry, it sounds cold, but it's true. He's not the same man I married 120 lbs ago. As for why I want it to last longer, I guess I'm thinking that he doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that once he's done, the whole act is over and he doesn't even try to "help me out" afterward. One time I made him use his finger on me after he finished (he goes soft REALLY fast after he cums and it kinda shrinks back so no way it will stay in once he's done). I was using a vibe and I told him to use his fingers on me to help me finish. Even with this I do take a while to finish, but it didn't help when I looked at him and found him looking at his watch at least 3-4 times and yawning and stuff.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> When I take care of business all on my own, it can take anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes...20 tops but usually doesn't take that long.
> 
> If I want better sex, I'm going to have to work at it. Yeah, just like if I want a better marriage I'm going to have to work at it. Problem is, I HAVE done my homework in both areas...my H doesn't put in any effort in either regard. I can't fix either problem all by myself. But I can at least learn a lot about myself and about realistic expectations.
> 
> I have read at least 6 different books about marriage problems. Guess how many my H has read? None. He's too busy, plus he doesn't subscribe to "all that psychobabble".


Some guys just don't get it, or are just too lazy to make the effort....I am as lazy as they come, but not when it comes to our love life...It is too precious a gift to be taken lightly...

We had problems, and when she mentioned the book I bought it immediately, I clawed through the pages like a thirsty man digging in the dust for water....My tears were the first water I found......and then a clear fresh spring...The love for my wife I thought I had squandered.......

It is not what book you read, almost all of them will work it is the committment BOTH people put into it.

I hope your husband will find 1/10th the rebirth I found...

Good luck....


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

bailingout said:


> Good thread.
> 
> I am wondering if there is a correlation between your H's rapid fire and his emotional and mental immaturity?
> 
> ...


There may be something to it. I did read an article about passive aggressive husbands that listed premature ejaculation as a form of PA behavior. Not to say that all men who have premature ejaculation are PA, but some PA men use this as a controlling method. 

I don't think my H is being PA in this case (although he does have many PA traits). It's more that he just accepts that this is the way he is, this is the way sex is, so it's not really something he would think to try to change or improve on...he's just thoughtless, I guess.

Still, (TMI alert) last time we had sex I was using my vibe. As usual, 2 minutes in and he has to stop all movement. He starts going again and in no time has to stop. Just as things were starting to feel like it was heading in the right direction for me, he cums. He wasn't even moving. So I keep my vibe on and he tries to keep moving a little bit. But he got too soft to stay in so out it comes...I turn off vibe for a minute thinking he would want to reposition so he could help me finish. Yeah he repositioned...all the way to the bathroom to clean up, then out to the kitchen to eat. So I guess we were done.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Yeah he repositioned...all the way to the bathroom to clean up, then out to the kitchen to eat. So I guess we were done.


Wow he doesn't care about you or your needs AT ALL.

"Well, I'm done, had my 2 minutes of fun, going to get something to eat, see you later"

Nice..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: What's considered premature ejaculation?*



EleGirl said:


> If he's having to stop a few times in a 5-10 minute PIV then he probably has can last about 3 minutes without stopping. That's basically premature.
> 
> what else do the two of you do for your pleasure?
> 
> Why are you always on top?


Huh, in all my life I've never considered myself a premature ejaculator, but reading some of these replies makes me second guess. No way can I go 5 minutes of continuous intercourse at the most stimulating pace without having to stop or come (even one minute would be a challenge). I have never come first though and tend to go for hours, but I gotta change the pace and stop to keep myself from getting to the edge too soon. I assumed that most premature ejaculators just didn't have the self control to slow down and keep themselves from going over the edge.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> There may be something to it. I did read an article about passive aggressive husbands that listed premature ejaculation as a form of PA behavior. Not to say that all men who have premature ejaculation are PA, but some PA men use this as a controlling method.
> 
> I don't think my H is being PA in this case (although he does have many PA traits). It's more that he just accepts that this is the way he is, this is the way sex is, so it's not really something he would think to try to change or improve on...he's just thoughtless, I guess. :


Seems that could be a possibility but not where I was headed. 



Lon said:


> I assumed that most premature ejaculators just didn't have the self control to slow down and keep themselves from going over the edge.


This would be closer to what I'm thinking, lack of control. For some reason I recall reading a post by Uptown where he mentioned that people w BPD or bipolar (can't remember which) experienced some trauma early in life and that their development was severly damaged around the age of 4 or so. My point is that 4yos lack self control/lack maturity/are selfish and are incapable of considering others, for the most part. Agree? I am NOT relating the act of sex to a 4yo, so please people don't burn me on the cross, but simply the problems that could be a result of some deep underlying issue, in this case PE. It seems that some relate PE to an internal control issues. (ie: Lon from above)



HappyHubby said:


> His lack of effort and obtuseness regarding his wife's sexual displeasure is probably linked to emotional and mental immaturity.


And another with the opinion that it is stemming from an immaturity thing. _Obtuseness: the quality or state of lacking intelligence or quickness of mind._ 

This sort of backs up (not sure if that is the best phrase I could use but can't come up with something else at the moment) my theory that someone who is emotionally or mentally immature by some sort of compromised internal growth early in life would not have the same levels of controls in all aspects as someone who did not suffer the same.


Does that make sense? Do you honestly feel like he CANT control the urge or that he DOESNT try hard enough to control it?





Waking up to life said:


> Still, (TMI alert) last time we had sex I was using my vibe. As usual, 2 minutes in and he has to stop all movement. He starts going again and in no time has to stop. Just as things were starting to feel like it was heading in the right direction for me, he cums. He wasn't even moving. So I keep my vibe on and he tries to keep moving a little bit. But he got too soft to stay in so out it comes...I turn off vibe for a minute thinking he would want to reposition so he could help me finish. Yeah he repositioned...all the way to the bathroom to clean up, then out to the kitchen to eat. So I guess we were done.


This is obviously purely selfish and I'm not surprised by this at all. I'm sorry that he doesn't have the desire/ability/whatever to make sure your needs are also met.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Once a month???? TSB will make any man a quick draw that far apart. I'm sure there is more but...

He. Weighs about 300 plus... Issues there.


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## SmithWood (Mar 6, 2013)

Every man is born with ejaculation, therefore having it's absolutely traditional – to begin with. dominant ejaculation are some things you have got to be told even as you had to be told to manage your bladder as a baby. we have a tendency to get educated management,to regulate or to manage our bladders however nobody teaches us the way to control ejaculation.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Just wondering what you all consider "premature". Is it anything under, say, 10-15 minutes? Is it less about time and more about inability to control it when you don't want to finish yet because your wife wants you to keep going? What do men really feel about it? If you regularly ejaculated within 5-10 minutes of sex, would that bother you? What causes it? Is it due to infrequent sex?


I wish I could last 10 minutes. I read somewhere that the average time a guy can keep going uninterrupted is 3 to 5 minutes. And the "real" definition of PE is when the guy cums before either partner wants it, no matter how long the time is.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Waking - My wife has difficulty orgasming in general with just PIV.

What we normally do is she will go into the bathroom before we have sex, and she will either use her vibe, and/or the tub faucet, and give herself a couple of orgasms.

When she comes out of the bathroom, she is generally "raring to go". At this point she will usually have me perform oral on her until she has another orgasm or gets close.

Then she always wants me to penetrate her with my penis. She will either use the vibe some more while we are having PIV, and/or she will have me stroke her cl!t with my hands while I penetrte her.

The odd thing is she doesn't really like me to thrust, she prefers to be "filled up" without much movement on my part while she uses a vibe or has me rub her cl!t. She can sometimes have several more orgasms this way. I think she likes to have something for her to contract against.

Perhaps you could try using your vibe (either by yourself, or while hubby watches you) to get your O first, then have him join you for whatever you want to do together. You might be able to have another O with hubby before he shoots off. That might be less frustrating for you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Waking up to life said:


> So, once the PIV part starts, it only takes about 3 minutes before he's clamping down on me so I won't move and telling me to wait (I'm always on top).


Just wondering why you are always on top. For a man with PE, it works better if you are side to side, or with him on top. It's all about relaxing and slowing down. I trained myself to last all night. I think 4 hours was the longest. I did not always have this ability. It took time and dedication.


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## IronhorseCowboy (Mar 6, 2013)

There are plenty of resources out there for this particular issue, afterall this is the "information age" that we are living in. Unfortunately, your husband is unwilling to utilize any information available to him. He is in fact being very selfish. This issue has dogged me all my life, especially in my marriage and yet my wife still finishes off with a smile. Actually it's a grimace followed by a body shake and a stiffening of all her muscles, relaxation, and then she is out like a light. I think I have matched all of the OP's TMI in one post.

But back to the issue at hand, I'm sure his selfishness transcends the bedroom, yes?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> Just wondering why you are always on top. For a man with PE, it works better if you are side to side, or with him on top.


As I stated on first page of thread...



Waking up to life said:


> Why am I always on top? Because he weighs 3 times more than I do, so missionary style sex (which I crave terribly) would literally crush me. The only other position that we do on occasion is "doggie style". He can't do anything involving being on his knees, because it hurts them. He can't sustain a position that requires physical strength endurance, because he wears out. So basically he can either stand or lay on his back. Exciting, isn't it?


As for the side to side position: it doesn't work. His belly is too big, we can't get our pelvises close enough laying that way.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly I am surprised you are still having sex with him, as unhappy as you are in this relationship.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Waking up to life said:


> Why am I always on top? Because he weighs 3 times more than I do, so missionary style sex (which I crave terribly) would literally crush me. The only other position that we do on occasion is "doggie style". He can't do anything involving being on his knees, because it hurts them. He can't sustain a position that requires physical strength endurance, because he wears out. So basically he can either stand or lay on his back. Exciting, isn't it?


OK, so I went back and read the first page. We don't have the full picture, but it sounds like you have low self-esteem to have lasted this long. Incredible. But humans are often lazy and weak. If they see they can get away with something, guess what? They will.

Same goes for you. You have gotten away with treating yourself like a doormat. And so far you have not done much about it.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> Also, he can eat you out for 15 minutes until you've had 2 orgasms. I do this with my wife and she usually finishes within a few minutes of PIV after this as she is so sensitive.


I can't do this with my wife. After she has a C-spot orgasm, she's too sensitive and doesn't want to be touched. When we 69 and she's close to cumming, she jumps off and is ready for PiV.

To answer the original question, PE is anything less than a minute. If it's an issue, use a condom (or two) or use one of those special lubricants to decrease sensitivity.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> OK, so I went back and read the first page. We don't have the full picture, but it sounds like you have low self-esteem to have lasted this long. Incredible. But humans are often lazy and weak. If they see they can get away with something, guess what? They will.
> 
> Same goes for you. You have gotten away with treating yourself like a doormat. And so far you have not done much about it.


You're right, I have allowed myself to be treated as a doormat...until recently (hence the user name Waking up to life). I realize that I have allowed a lot of things I shouldn't have in my marriage. As far as doing something about it, I have gone to numerous IC sessions, spent hours on TAM reading and posting, read many books (all about our general marital problems). H went to 2 MC sessions, now won't go back, because he doesn't see a problem with our marriage. 

And no, I have not directly talked to him yet about our sex life. It seems weird that being married for 19 years, you'd think you could talk about sex. But we just don't. So I have decided that this weekend, I am going to tell him exactly how I feel about his weight gain and our crappy sex life (I won't be that blunt). I honestly don't know how he feels about it. He initiates about once a month. Once in a while I will only b/c I can tell he wants me to. That's about all I can say as far as our communication about sex. It does make me feel quite unsexy when I'm a petite, athletic, decent looking gal and my H is 330 lbs and seems to take for granted that he has a "hot wife" and doesn't seem that interested. Years and years of this, along with many other subtractions out of the love bank, have definitely eroded at my self esteem.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Are you positive that premature ejaculation is the problem you want to spend time talking about here? 'Cause it's not at all clear to me.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Yes, in fact, it really was the intent of my thread. Having nothing else to compare to, I was curious what others' thoughts were on this. And I'm quite sure that this isn't the first thread on TAM to go somewhat deeper in content than what was asked in the original question posed by the OP.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I think the best and easiest way to improve the time would be to get off first, give it a little rest then should be good to go the distance. Another thing that works for me is to think of something nonsexual when Im getting too close, could be anything that comes to mind, elephants, televisions, backhoes, just for a few seconds here and there breaks my concentration and excitement level, sounds strange but works lol.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I wonder if having low testosterone has any impact on stamina? My H has low T but his doctor doesn't think it's necessary to treat. He has no trouble getting erections. But I wonder if it has any impact on his ability to control ejaculation.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Waking up to life said:


> I wonder if having low testosterone has any impact on stamina? My H has low T but his doctor doesn't think it's necessary to treat. He has no trouble getting erections. But I wonder if it has any impact on his ability to control ejaculation.


OP, there are so many issues here, one scarcely knows where to begin. So humor me if you will, as I take a "sideways" look at your situation. I'm going to break all the rules and give it to you straight. But remember this is only one mans opinion. My motto is: Consult widely and then make up your own mind.

Your husband is mirroring on the outside what you are experiencing on the inside. Let's take this apart piece by piece.

Your husband is beyond fat, he is actually on the danger list. I'm not surprised he has low T. His doctor probably isn't doing anything about it because, like me, he may feel that's the least of your hubby's problems. In actual fact, being obese can lower T levels.

Your hub just doesn't care about his body. He treats it like dirt. Why people live like this is a mystery to me, but it's not uncommon.

But as I say, this is a mirror of how you are on the inside. Your low self-esteem. So your hub is doing you a valuable service in unflinchingly mirroring this to you. Of course he has no idea he is doing this for you. But life can be very mysterious in the way it sets all this up. And it is happening all the time in different ways to many people.

But unlike your husband, you want to awaken to what you are doing to yourself. As you wake up, you will be shocked at what you see. But don't fool yourself; waking up never ceases.

Awareness is our greatest gift. It is who we really are. As we breathe in more and more of it, life takes on a different meaning to what it once had. It can also bring pain, and hard choices. They say ignorance is bliss. In some ways it is. But awareness is more "real". Your new-found awareness might bring you to a crossroads. It may not be the one you have in mind.

So many threads in this "sextion" masquerade as sex questions, when in fact the sex problem is just the symptom.

However, to deal with your original question directly... The clinical definition of P.E. is 2 minutes. However taking a single number misses the point. My definition of P.E. is cumming unexpectedly after less than 15 minutes, or cumming before either partner is ready on a regular basis.

Most men can learn to take as long as they want if they are willing to practice. But not being able to be on top or on his side makes ot more difficult. However nothing is impossible, but it won't happen by accident.

The only other clue I can give you is that whereas tension delays orgasm in women, it speeds it up in men. So it may be that your husband is permanently tense.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> OP, there are so many issues here, one scarcely knows where to begin. So humor me if you will, as I take a "sideways" look at your situation. I'm going to break all the rules and give it to you straight. But remember this is only one mans opinion. My motto is: Consult widely and then make up your own mind.
> 
> Your husband is mirroring on the outside what you are experiencing on the inside. Let's take this apart piece by piece.
> 
> ...


Wow. Just wow. I read that three times to absorb what you were getting at. Amazingly insightful. Thank you. I'm going to have to mull that over for a while.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> *Awareness is our greatest gift. It is who we really are. As we breathe in more and more of it, life takes on a different meaning to what once had.* It can also bring pain, and hard choices. They say ignorance is bliss. In some ways it is. But awareness is more "real". your new-found awareness might bring you to a crossroads. It may not be the one you have in mind.


^This. This is the absolute core issue that I'm facing. I have begun the process of waking up and really taking note of how aware I am of what I'm doing in life and why. It has been very painful in some ways, but exciting in some ways as well. My H cannot understand why I am "suddenly" in his mind unhappy with our marriage. I believe that my awareness has in fact caused my life to take on a different meaning for me. My H said all he ever wanted when he was young was to get married, have a couple of kids, live life and grow old together with someone he loved. So when we got married and later had a child, his life purpose was being fulfilled...all he needed to do was sit back on autopilot and let the rest happen. And that's what he's done. He doesn't want anything to change. Fascinating...again, thank you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Turning to practical matters, and perhaps not as off topic as it may seem, I wondered if you had heard about the Rosedale Diet? This may help you husband lose weight.

I myself am on it. At 46, I can't just click my fingers any more to get rid of the xmas excess. I must confess I have not even read Dr. Rosadale's book. I friend told me about the main principles, and I soaked up the information like a dry sponge. I lost 7 pounds over 3 weeks. Another 7 and I'm probably done 

The gist of it is: Cut out all grains. Sugar is banned. You can have as much fat as you want (although there must surely be *some *limit?), but ice-cream is no-go because it contains sugar.

You get your carbs from vegetables. Lots of them! After a few weeks of being strict, you can re-introduce a few grains and potato etc. But you have to watch you don't go overboard.

The main thesis of is work is that high carb foods like wheat and sugar cause an insulin spike. This causes unused calories to be stored as fat. The end result of all this insulin in the blood stream is that everything is turned to fat and then the blood sugar drops. And then guess what? You feel hungry again! So high carb foods like bread starches and sugars cause an endless cycle of eating.

Fat does not cause insulin spikes. Protein is OK as long as you do not have too much in any one meal. He recommends no more than 20 grams at a time. If you are eating meat that is 25% protein that means you should not eat more than 80 grams of it at a time.

If your hub is interested, it might be best to get the book, as I have oversimplified it here and he sounds close to being on the danger list. Just Google it.

If your hubby lost weight, it would help his sex drive. P.E. is easy to work on. Most people can last half an hour with practice. The gist of it is that the man has to monitor is arousal level and pull out every time he gets too close. With time, it is not necessary to pull out. You can just slow down. With even more time, even slowing down may not always be needed. I find just changing position slightly -say moving a leg or shifting my weight- is enough to distract me.

It was no fun for my wife when I first stated training myself. I would just pull out without warning  it makes me chuckle now to think of it.

Another technique - the best actually, is for the man to pant like a woman in labor as ejaculation approaches. Just as it helps a woman bear the pain of child birth, it seems to help men "withstand" the pleasure of sex.

Anyway, blah blah blah I could type all day


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