# Does it seem like he is just "meh" about our relationship?



## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now. He is a very quite man and does not really keep a conversation going. His personality is that of a quiet reserved man and he has admitted that's who he is but that he is a great listener. I'm finding that I am not really getting the intellectual stimulation out of this relationship that I had hoped for. I am not as reserved as he is and like to be able to chat and conversate some of the time with a partner. The lack of conversation I feel is keeping me from bonding with him and growing closer to him on a deeper level and so 3 months in I don't feel like we have gotten very far. At this stage I can't even feel myself falling in love with him at all. He is however a genuine nice guy but I just don't feel we are growing as a couple.

He only spends 2 nights a week with me on average with one of those being a sleepover however this week I have only seen him once. When he is around me its as if he is awkward in the relationship. He won't have breakfast, won't use my shower to freshen up, says no to a fresh towel if I offer it, doesn't clean his teeth and won't have a cup of coffee or anything at all to eat.

He always texts Good Morning, sometimes Good Night and will occasionally call me up on the phone but conversation is always very surface level stuff like how was your day and what are you having for dinner, he never really says anything to me about anything other than his job or daughter. 

Sex is average. He ejaculates too quick and although he is embarrassed I have been more than patient and understanding. He keep saying he needs to purchase some gel to help with the issue however he never actually gets it and just keeps saying he needs to get it. I don't feel that he is placing high priority on the relationship with me. 

Not sure what to think here, the relationship on his part is very low effort. He says he is always tired after work and is staying home to chill.

I don't understand why. He only lives 25 mins away. He knows I am not happy with the effort as I actually had a talk with him 2 weekends ago. The first week after that talk he spent 3 nights with me so he picked up the effort. However this week its just gone back to how it was before the talk. Monday night he could have come around but he didn't, Tuesday night he did, Wed night he didn't, last night he was visiting his baby daughter (Thursdays are always out for us due to this which is understandable), tonight he is having his daughter again (this was a spur of the moment thing he and his ex decided on last night) which he told me about this morning. Sunday is his usual day with his daughter so that's always out for us also. Not sure what he is up to tomorrow, all I know is that he is dropping his daughter back to her mums in the morning but he never mentioned anything about locking us in for a few hours to do anything together, its really pissing me off.

Also he usually texts me every morning early before he goes off to work and most of the time he texts goodnight as well. Wed night he didn't text goodnight and Thursday morning he didn't text until almost lunchtime and his message was : "Sorry babes, I fell asleep last night and I forgot to say goodnight to you and I also forgot to say good morning to you too xoxo.

I responded with "Hey baby, its okay. I did find it a bit unusual that I didn't hear from you. It made me feel a little unimportant in a way. Appreciate you for letting me know. Hope you got your much needed rest xoxo.

His reply to that did not acknowledge my concern of feeling unimportant to him and he just said "I was in bed around 8pm last night, I was absolutely stuffed, hope you have a great afternoon baby xoxo.

Just feeling hurt because he is about to go away for 1 month and we won't see each other the whole month, I just felt he could have ramped up his visits a little more considering this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are investing in this relationship.

He isn't. And that is a major problem.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I honestly feel like I'm just getting the breadcrumbs. If he is always too tired after work or caught in traffic or had to stay back a little later at work or has his daughter then I honestly understand it's out of his control however then that just tells me he doesn't have time for a proper relationship. It's just too casual at the moment. 

He never locks me in ahead of time, I usually don't get told he is coming over until 6pm that night. He usually comes over after dinner around 7pm then leaves at 10pm.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

The relationship is too new for you to be this bored. He's leaving for a month. Take that time to really think about things. Be honest with yourself. Do you expect to much? Has this been an issue in past relationships? Is there a pattern in you expecting the guy to do more than he wants to do, and he slowly drifts away? I am not saying it's your fault, I don't know you. I am just suggesting to take a hard and honest look at things, and determine if you might need to change how you approach a relationship, or if he just isn't the man for you. Either is possible. 

Or, it's entirely possible that Matt Matt is likely spot on. 

Maybe it's as simple as "He just isn't that into you" and it's time to move on. Your post does kinda read like you're a booty call, and he doesn't sound like the sex you get is worth going out of your way for an occasional bed buddy. I was just trying to give him benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn't disagree with Matt Matt's post, either.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

We do have a regular date night out once a fortnight. Problem is that I can't go out weeknights as I have a 7 yr old daughter who has to be in bed by 7.30pm so the next best thing is for him to come over to mine. We usually watch TV together, we don't always have sex though so its not a FWB thing. He did spoil me for my birthday so he does make an effort every now and then but it seems to be all on his terms of when he can be bothered.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Okay, so its not a FWB thing, but it doesn't sound like he is as invested as you are, or want him to be. It's possible that is just how he is, and why he isn't with the mother of his child. Not everyone is meant to be in a long term relationship, and he could be one of those people (serial daters). Figure out what you want, and talk to him to see if he is on the same page (or even in the same book). If not, move on. There are plenty of single parents who manage a relatively normal dating life. It has it's difficulties, but it's far from impossible.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

He isn't with the mother of his child because she got bored with him, said it was the same conversations all the time and she lost interest. She broke up with him while she was pregnant. 

Interestingly enough she lived an hour away from him and according to her he would have been at her door everyday had she allowed it.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

He needs to text you everyday once in the morning and evening? This to me seems really demanding and frankly very needy. He sound like he has a full time job and an infant daughter, both of these are very time consuming and very important to him, as they should be to you. 

Do you ever go to his house or is he expected to come to your house all the time? Do you take turns being the one to text every morning and night to say hi? 

What you want out of this relationship he obviously doesn’t have it in him to give you. Instead of trying to change him to be the man you need or want, let him go and go out there and find a man that will devoted 100 percent of his time to you. Let this poor man find a woman that doesn’t require so much attention. Go find a man without an ex wife and children who can devote his time solely to you. 

I don’t think you are in the wrong for wanting these things from a relationship, I think maybe you are expecting them from a man who can’t give them to you and it may be through no fault of his own. 

Best of luck.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He isn't as much into you as you are into him. You need to decide if that is ok with you. I know it wouldn't be ok with me.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Daisy to answer your questions:

No he doesn't need to text me everyday. That is something he does of his own accord. He has done it since Day 1 and so I am used to it now but I certainly don't expect it nor have I ever made him feel like he has to do it, I've never asked for it however it is very sweet of him to do so.

Yes he has a full time job. He sees his daughter for a couple of hours every Thursday evening and all day every Sunday, she is about to turn 1. I have a 7 yr old daughter who I am a sole parent too and I also work full time.

He lives with his mum so pretty much he goes to work and comes home to a clean house and a home cooked meal most nights. I come home and cook dinner, help my daughter with her homework, get her showered and ready for bed each night. I run her around to swimming lessons Mon nights and to Ballet lessons before school starts every Wed morning.

Not hard to see that I have alot more on my plate, am very busy but miraculously can still make time for a boyfriend.

I don't believe I'm needy, I don't chase him, I have a very active lifestyle, great social life and am always making the most of my weekends. I'm always out with friends and keep myself very busy, definitely don't rely on my boyfriend to make me happy. I'm about to go on an overseas vacation in 3 weeks and currently planning my vacation for next year as well. 

I like my "me" time and so I would detest having him over all the time, that would be too suffocating however 3 times a week would be nice and a bit of effort on his part to spend some part of Saturday in the day would be nice. I spend more time on my own and with friends than I do with him.

He comes to my house because he lives with his mum for starters and I have my daughter to consider. I do have a babysitter come to my home every 2nd Wednesday evening so that my boyfriend and I can step out and do an activity together. This was my idea and at $60 a fortnight is all I can afford. I also get her babysat for an entire night once a month so I can get out with him and my friends in a social setting.

When we do go on our fortnightly date night we pick somewhere that is half way to us each so he doesn't have to keep driving to mine.

I send him a good morning and good night at least once a week but I am old fashioned in that I believe the man should lead and initiate most of the time. I like to stay in my feminine energy.

I don't feel I'm asking for too much.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lululu said:


> *I'm finding that I am not really getting the intellectual stimulation out of this relationship that I had hoped for.* I am not as reserved as he is and like to be able to chat and conversate some of the time with a partner. *The lack of conversation I feel is keeping me from bonding with him and growing closer to him on a deeper level *and so 3 months in I don't feel like we have gotten very far.
> 
> When he is around me* its as if he is awkward in the relationship. *
> 
> ...





lululu said:


> *I honestly feel like I'm just getting the breadcrumbs. *
> 
> *He never locks me in ahead of time,* I usually don't get told he is coming over until 6pm that night. He usually comes over after dinner around 7pm then leaves at 10pm.





lululu said:


> He isn't with the mother of his child *because she got bored with him,* said it was the same conversations all the time and she lost interest.




So he bores you and you don't get enough mental stimulation from him. And it sounds like that's something that's an important relationship need to you.

He's still awkward around you after 3 months. If the chemistry is right, you wouldn't be awkward around him after 3 minutes.


Lackluster sex. If he cared about you; he'd want to really please you in bed. He won't even pick up some of that numbing gel. Or are you supposed to do that too?

You observe that he doesn't make much of an effort and you feel like you're getting the breadcrumbs. Trust your gut.


He never locks you in ahead of time. Like @Ed3n said upthread, "booty call"!!

And you've gotten a further warning from his ex; she found him boring too!

What more do you need to know?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If the relationship is this unfulfilling during the honeymoon phase do you think it will ever improve? Sounds like you are wasting your time.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I had an afternoon with my him, his mother and brother for lunch last Sunday for his Birthday. We all sat around and had a lovely casual lunch of chicken rolls and salad and then some birthday cake at him and his mums home.

It was the first time I actually got to sit and talk with his mum properly and the first time I met his brother who had come over for the lunch.

It gave me a chance to observe him around his mum and brother and I could see he was quiet.

His mum actually brought up during a conversation that he doesn't say much and is and has always been this way. She said he takes after his father who when alive was also the introverted shy type while she said she is like me and was always the bubbly outgoing type that loved talking. 

She asked if it annoyed me and so I was totally honest with her and said yes it can at times, she laughed and said he is his father all over. She also revealed that he has never much been one to get into Birthdays and Christmas but as he was a young boy growing up that they very much celebrated these times as a family and she herself doesn't understand why he isn't so bothered these days and at one point even said he can be a little weird as much as she loves him.

This conversation was not a private one, she openly spoke of this is front of him. He contributed to this conversation a couple times and also revealed that he is a very quiet person and that he prefers to just listen rather than talk and that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with that. Of course his mother very lovingly agreed. He seemed quite comfortable with this conversation and wasn't embarrassed at any time.

So this quiet nature and reserved personality is who he is, it's always been who he is and now I know for sure it will always be who he is.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lululu said:


> So this quiet nature and reserved personality is who he is, it's always been who he is and now I know for sure it will always be who he is.


Right, and that's fine. But how does that work out for you?

Maybe his mother and father had other things in common that made up for the rubbish conversational skills.

But that doesn't matter. You said that bonding over conversation was very important for you:




> I'm finding that I am not really getting the intellectual stimulation out of this relationship that I had hoped for. I am not as reserved as he is and like to be able to chat and conversate some of the time with a partner. The lack of conversation I feel is keeping me from bonding with him and growing closer to him on a deeper level and so 3 months in I don't feel like we have gotten very far. At this stage I can't even feel myself falling in love with him at all.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I'm not sure how that works out for me. It's possible that I could be settling. I'm not sure whether to give it another 2 months to see if he becomes a bit more comfortable in the relationship and whether it improves as far as spending time together etc......don't want to make a rash decision


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Unless he is happy in his own life and he may be, I sort of feel sorry for the guy but not at your expense.

What I get is that he is not 'meh' about you or the relationship. He's 'meh' about life in general. Not that he doesn't enjoy life but this is how he is. I guess the lazy way to label it or describe it, is that he is in fact 'lazy'.

I would not give it another 2 months without saying anything, he is unlikely to change and he sure as heck won't change if you don't say anything a lot more direct.

As others said, if it's like this now, imagine how it would be once the freshness wears off and when the honeymoon stage is supposed to be over? Seems like the Honeymoon stage never really began here. It was probably more of what you saw in his potential in your head but the potential is quickly turning into just that, only potential.

If you want to give him the ultimate benefit of the doubt and a last chance to see what he can be for you. Tell him exactly what you have told us and as frank as possible, tell him you what you NEED and if things don't change, it's just not going to work. There's nothing to lose at this point, so lay it all out on the line.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like you two are incompatible for the long term. Make a clean break now.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Maybe he behaves this way w/ you b/c he's not that into you, or maybe this is how he behaves w/ someone he's really into. That's not as important as whether you can be happy w/ him or not. There are a lot of nice people that just aren't a good fit. Of course you can encouraging him to do stuff like use your shower, but you can't make him.

As for the PE, the two of you working together are more likely to have success, but if you're out of the relationship that is all moot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is the way he is. Boring. Some people are just that way and nothing you do will change him. Let him go.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I spoke to him about spending more time together 2 weekends ago. We had a serious talk. He popped in on his way home from visiting his daughter on this particular Sunday evening as I asked him to talk. (normally he would have gone straight home after this visit even though he has to go past my neighbourhood on the highway so just goes to show that it's not hard to stop by he obviously just never wanted to funnily enough) 

I was crystal clear when I told him that I felt lonely in the relationship and that I needed him to step up a bit more. His only worded response right at the beginning of this conversation was "I know it seems as if I'm not interested or making an effort" that was pretty much it from him. I was so emotional I actually could not hold back the tears and he did try to comfort me by pulling me close and holding me but there was no offering of in depth conversation from him, an explanation. When I asked if he wanted the relationship he answered yes. I literally have him an "out", he didn't take it. 

I told him if things didn't pick up in the next month or so that I would not be staying in the relationship and will end it.

He made more of an effort a week later but has reverted back to low effort again. Now he is about to go away for work in a week for a whole month and itvdoesnt seem to faze him at all. The only thing I see him get excited about is his daughter. He is always sending photos of her during their time together. 

He doesn't plan things, seems like everything with him is last minute. Here is the conversation we had via text this evening:

(Him) Hey I'm thinking about having a little birthday party for her on sunday afternoon would you like to come over?

(Me) What time? I already had plans Sunday afternoon to watch a band in the park at Paradise Point with Melissa. I don't usually do spur of the moment hun as you know. I plan my weekends as I only get 2 days off and like to make the most of them. I'm a planner, I don't generally do last minute lol

(Him) It's all good hun i was thinking around 2pm but if you've already got plans that's ok

(Me) You need to lock me in with a few days notice if you wish to spend time with me. Whoever asks me first is the lucky person. 😊

(Him) Yep no worries


I'm not about to start breaking plans with other people just because he doesn't plan of organise stuff, thats not really fair. I felt bad turning him down especially since I'm wanting more time with him but I don't want to set a precedence where he thinks he can only offer me last minute time together all the time.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

He sounds like a "nice guy". His mom told you how he and his father were right in front of him. Sounds like the mom ran the show and the dad went along to get along. This is how your BF learned to be a man. Ugg. I would tell him to read "No More Mr Nice Guy", and then go no contact. He doesn't sound like the one for you at all.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow lululu, I think we have the same boyfriend! I have been dealing with almost 100% the same issues, except I have put in a much longer amount of time than you have. Take the advice that I will eventually follow myself, and let him go. Find someone who adores you.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

lululu said:


> I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now. He is a very quite man and does not really keep a conversation going. His personality is that of a quiet reserved man and he has admitted that's who he is but that he is a great listener. I'm finding that I am not really getting the intellectual stimulation out of this relationship that I had hoped for. I am not as reserved as he is and like to be able to chat and conversate some of the time with a partner. The lack of conversation I feel is keeping me from bonding with him and growing closer to him on a deeper level and so 3 months in I don't feel like we have gotten very far. At this stage I can't even feel myself falling in love with him at all. He is however a genuine nice guy but I just don't feel we are growing as a couple.
> 
> He only spends 2 nights a week with me on average with one of those being a sleepover however this week I have only seen him once. When he is around me its as if he is awkward in the relationship. He won't have breakfast, won't use my shower to freshen up, says no to a fresh towel if I offer it, doesn't clean his teeth and won't have a cup of coffee or anything at all to eat.
> 
> ...


You've only been dating for 3 month's and you're unhappy with pretty much every important aspect of the relationship. Why are you still in this?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

lululu said:


> Daisy to answer your questions:
> 
> No he doesn't need to text me everyday. That is something he does of his own accord. He has done it since Day 1 and so I am used to it now but I certainly don't expect it nor have I ever made him feel like he has to do it, I've never asked for it however it is very sweet of him to do so.
> 
> ...


I don’t feel like you are asking too much, I think you are asking it from the wrong guy for you. You have been told first hand by his mom that this is the way her son is, not just with you, with everyone. Never go into a relationship thinking you can change they other person because you can’t. Either you need to let him go or you need to lower your expectations and accept him as he is.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lululu's boyfriend--pros and cons


Pros

Good listener

Has an honest mother


Cons

Doesn't like participating in conversation

His daughter is his emotional world

Doesn't brush his teeth for up to 3 days

Plans everything at the last minute

Has premature ejaculation



@lululu make your own, real list. Actually writing it down can help you to make a clear decision.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I cannot imagine why you are even considering staying in a relationship with someone who you aren't happy with. That seems odd to me.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@lululu, if you don't fee like you're getting what you need from your relationship, there's no harm in telling him that it's just not working out for you. That being said, if he's a genuinely nice person that you can trust and feel comfortable around, then that says something. You need to bear in mind that everyone will have different expectations within a relationship and that everyone has different schedules. Maybe 2 days a week is all he feels he can give you at this time. And, if he's as introverted as you say he is, that makes sense. Do you guys talk on the phone in between, or communicate somehow?

Okay, I started writing this before I got to your third paragraph… does he state why he won't do any of those things you mentioned? Not showering or brushing the teeth is kind of yucky. 

Reading further, it sounds to me like he's just not as invested in things as you are, and this would bother me too. If it were me, I might have a talk with him about it, but if it's like last time, and things don't really change, I'd probably cut him loose.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Other weird behaviors I've noticed along the way are that sometimes when we are out like on a date or social outing that while we are walking he sometimes puts his hands in his pocket and won't hold my hand.(I mean for godsake, we are in a new relationship, wouldn't he want to have that skin contact all the time?)

Another time I met him in the city for our date, halfway to both of us. When it came time for each of us to go back to our respective cars which were obviously parked in different directions, I didn't want to put him out and make him walk 2 blocks my way so I said I would be ok walking 2 blocks to the carpark myself and he didn't blink an eye and did not insist and so he kissed me goodbye and left me to my own devices basically. Maybe he thought I would be safe, it's a touristy city so lots of people around at 9.30pm. Thought it was very ungentlemanly for a 39 yr old man.

One night we sat on my couch watching TV and for the whole 2 hours he never once reached out to pull me in close or grab my hand. By the time we had toddled off to bed I was in the ****tiest mood.

He always has a cigarette once a day it seems and when over at mine after sex he will go outside and have one before bed then come in and just jump straight into bed. He doesn't spray deodorant to mask the smoke smell, doesn't clean his teeth or gargle. I've told him before it smells yuck and I literally can't cuddle up to him or kiss him goodnight because it's unpleasant. Last weekend I reminded him to do all those things as he was walking away to go have one and sure enough he bounded back in and said he had freshened up and jumped in bed. I could smell the deodorant (he must have had one in the car) and he was chewing gum. I told him I could still smell the smoke in his breath and that he should be cleaning his teeth morning and night and that chewing gum does nothing. He just stayed in bed chewing his gum while I rolled over to face the other direction. He never hopped up to actually clean them.

He hardly ever cuddles in bed. If he stays over, his alarm goes off and he literally bounds out of bed and starts to get dressed to go to work or if it's Sunday morning then to drive to pick up his daughter. One Sunday morning I got so ****ted off that I said lightheartedly "Hey noone is allowed to leave this house without first giving me Sunday morning cuddles" he climbed back in and cuddled me for 5 mins but I literally had to ask for it. While he was hugging me I did say that I like cuddles in the morning and it's what most couples do when they don't have to race of to their jobs. Sometimes he will do it but mostly still not.

I'm beginning to wonder if he might have Aspergers Syndrome?


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Yes he does call me on the phone when he is driving home from work or driving home from his visit with his daughter. It's pretty much the same conversation just different day. You know the surface level stuff or how was your day, whats for dinner, his time with his daughter and then it kind of dwindles from there. 

There is so much he can ask me about. I'm about to go on vacation for a week soon and he has never once asked me what my itinerary is, what I'm planning to do etc. It was only 2 weeks ago I mentioned to him I was planning my itinerary but he never asked me about it. 

Getting my daughter a puppy for her birthday after the vacation and he doesn't really ask about that either. 

A few months ago I had a home invasion by a 17 yr old boy who was off his head on drugs and entered my home in a drug stupor and started smashing up my furniture. Anyway long story short I have been going through a process to mediate with the boy and the police, counsellors etc as a form of making the young boy accountable for his actions, not once has my boyfriend asked how this was going or when the mediation is happening. I mentioned it briefly to him one night because I was opening my mail and there was a letter about it, nope no questions from him when I mentioned what I had opened and read. 

I'm like is this just how men are or what?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lululu,

You gave him permission to not escort you to your car; then you were hurt when he ....didn't escort you to your car!!

You must ask for what you want; or graciously accept it when people do exactly what you ask them to do.

It sounds like you want credit for meeting him at places "halfway" between your respective homes. I'm a straight woman. As your friend, I would appreciate that.

But in a romantic relationship with a man? All you are doing is setting the bar low and letting him know how little you value yourself.

It's okay to say, "I want to go to XYZ restaurant" (clear on the other side of town), and expect him to be enthusiastic about it.

As the relationship continues, you can make reciprocal gestures to him.

I have learned, at the School of Hard Knocks, that most (#notallmen) don't really respect or value women that make things too easy for them. You think you are being fair and modern and liberal. They just think you are "easy", in every sense of the word. Most (#notallmen) still have quite a double standard about sexual behavior in women, versus men. I've learned that from being on TAM a few years.

Forget this guy for a moment [yes, maybe he's autistic, but that's not your problem], what about you. Why are you bending over backwards to please him and accomodate him so much?

You are obviously dying for real intellectual connection and physical contact. And he is extremely reluctant to give you either.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What is the point of listing all of the things you think are weird about him? You say he's a nice man, but it should be crystal clear to you by now that he is not your type. You aren't happy with him. If you want to be happy with him it will be you who has to change. Trying to get him to conform to your desires when those desires are about him changing his innate characteristics are foolish. You have an idea of what you want in a man and you want him to conform to that. It's ridiculous.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lululu said:


> I'm like is this just how men are or what?




I don't think so. I think he is extremely checked out from you; and maybe most other things in life, except his daughter.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I don't know why he won't shower, he doesn't say. Just says he showers in the evening after work only. He says it's pointless showering in the morning before work as he gets dirty almost immediately from the tile dust and grout so he just has a shower after work each day. That's understandable for work days, sure but he doesn't work on a Sunday morning and so when he stays the night you would think he would take a shower the next morning before going to pick up his daughter. A few weekends ago I said to him on the Sunday morning that I will get him a towel and he said "oh no, it's all good" I said to him "Don't you want to freshen up for the day, we had sex last night and you will smell of sex?"

"Nah, it's all good" was his response.

Who knows?

He won't have a coffee before he goes. He prefers to get an Iced Coffee milkshake from somewhere on the way to work or his daughter. We have never once Sat down for a morning coffee together or breakky. He has been over for a home cooked dinner just once.

I have told him that it would be nice if he stayed for breakky or actually had something to eat with me in the mornings occassionally and he responded with "I will" in a one day I will type of tone.

My last boyfriend at the 2 month mark was going downstairs and making me a coffee so this is so weird to me that my current one will barely accept a bottle of water from me.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

He seems depressed, he's probably happy he's seeing someone but he probably knows that it's going to end soon. It sounds like he doesn't have the energy to maintain everything he needs to in his life - a job, relationship with his daughter, girlfriend, personal hygiene. I think it was sweet he invited you to his daughter's birthday party. That just seems like all he can muster at this point. It doesn't sound like he was or will be the romantic roses sweep you off your feet guy. You are very incompatible with him and I think you should probably break it off soon since he's not meeting your needs as a boyfriend.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Yeah it does seem he just can't keep up with the pace of so many different aspects of life.

Yes it was sweet about the daughters birthday party however he only had been thinking about doing it yesterday and so I guess he can't expect everyone to drop what they are doing with so little notice. 


His daughter is turning 1 and so he should have perhaps given this some thought a week or so ago considering he knew her Birthday is coming up and that he has her regularly each Sunday.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

The first month of the relationship he did bring me beautiful flowers from time to time, he would bring a block of chocolate for us to munch on while watching a movie at my house and sometimes he would bring a 6 pack of beer - that doesn't happen anymore. 

He did however spoil me for my birthday at the beginning of the month. He got me flowers, nice earrings, perfume and paid for my dinner plus 2 expensive cocktails.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Might have another chat with him and bring up everything but this time ask him to offer some explanation to my questions. If he doesn't have much to say I'm going to encourage him to think for a few mins and try to offer something with a bit more substance and care. 

He might get uncomfortable because some of my questions are going to be very direct and the opinion I share about certain topics will be as well. I will try to do it with kindness however. 

I need answers as to why he finds life so mediocre.

Then if we decide to give it one last shot I'm actually going to "lean back" and really see what he is capable of. Will give him a month or so to show consistent improvement and whether it is just laziness at play here or something permanent in his personality. 

The only reason I'm willing to do this is because underneath all this he is a genuine sweet loyal guy and so want to be 100% sure that if I let him go it was definitely the right decision.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

lululu said:


> Might have another chat with him and bring up everything but this time ask him to offer some explanation to my questions. If he doesn't have much to say I'm going to encourage him to think for a few mins and try to offer something with a bit more substance and care.
> 
> He might get uncomfortable because some of my questions are going to be very direct and the opinion I share about certain topics will be as well. I will try to do it with kindness however.
> 
> ...


It honestly bothered me to read what you just wrote. Why is he so wrong and you are so right? Why can't you simply accept his attitudes, perception, reality, philosophies…whatever, are different than yours? The guy is who he is, giving him ultimatums and timelines is not going to change him, it may pressure him to pretend to be different but how long do you think that will last? 

He sounds like a decent guy, but not the guy for you.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

lululu said:


> Might have another chat with him and bring up everything but this time ask him to offer some explanation to my questions. If he doesn't have much to say I'm going to encourage him to think for a few mins and try to offer something with a bit more substance and care.
> 
> He might get uncomfortable because some of my questions are going to be very direct and the opinion I share about certain topics will be as well. I will try to do it with kindness however.
> 
> ...



The bolded statement seems passive aggressive to me. If you want to give your relationship a shot, you both need to be all in. You both need to be there for each other. I don't think it's ok to sit back and expect him to sweep you off your feet after you've been in an established relationship for a few months. Both sides need to give. For instance, I think you should have gone to the party. He's your BF, he should be the priority not your friend. (If everyone's ok with you meeting his daughter at this point).

The way you talk about him is not very nice. It sounds like you can't stand him. You have already determined that he doesn't meet your needs or standards as a BF so I think it would the fair thing to let him go, for both of your sakes.

ETA: you said you had plans with your friend prior to him inviting you to the party. I don't mean you should blow off your friend, I meant that plans should be made with him _first_, before you make plans with friends.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Azimuth: that's the problem here.....he doesn't make plans he just drops last minute suggestions on me. Why should I always be the one asking him what he has planned for the weekend before making plans with my friends, he never shows interest normally I'm spending the day times with me on Saturday or Sunday's only sees me Sat evenings so I just assume he would rather have his own time on weekend days. He usually likes to chill and even at times have an afternoon nap on a Saturday. Sunday's is reserved for him and his daughter so I never assume he wants to see me on Sunday's so hence I make plans with my own daughter and friends. He decided last night that he might organise a little get together with his family for her, so I'm supposed to confuse my own daughter about how we spend our weekends for his last minute ideas......me thinks not.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

And on the few times I have asked what's going on for the weekend he can never tell me properly because he never knows what's going on with work or his daughter till the last minute. I've asked him to do a few things with me on weekends and he can never commit to plans. One time I asked him to come out to watch a firework show with me and he didn't know if he could come due to working that day and not knowing what time he would get home so in the end I told him I would go with a friend and her daughter and he could meet up with us there if he decided to go. He decided not to go even though he was home, I guess he just didn't want to drive 45 mins to where we were after working half a day.

Last weekend I asked him if he wanted to meet up at a social event in the evening for tonight (Saturday night) with mutual friends and at that time he couldn't say yes because he didn't know if he might be allowed to have his daughter Sat night and so couldn't commit to that so I made arrangements to go with my girlfriends. He only told me yesterday morning that he was having his daughter for a sleepover last night and it was only last night he said he would now be at this Social gathering I had asked him about last weekend so I just said I would see him there later in the evening as I'm heading out with my girlfriends earlier in the evening. See everything is last minute with him and it's really frustrating for me.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

In fact last weekend I took him out Saturday night for his Birthday with some mutual friends of ours. He only started coming out of his shell after a few drinks but I could tell he had a fun time. I shouted him dinner and 2 drinks and got him a $50 hardware store voucher. So of course I like him to the person who said it sounds like "I can't stand him".

Obviously I like him if I'm torn in my decision.

Also I already accepted a last minute thing with him last Sunday so it's not like I never do. Last Friday night he did the same thing, decided at the last minute to have a light casual lunch with his mum and brother at his mum and his house so I actually accepted and made the effort even though he sprung it on me so suddenly. So I do accommodate where I can last minute.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you already know this relationship is not going to get much better. Why are you holding onto a mediocre relationship? What's going on with you and how you feel about yourself and your life that you're struggling to let go?


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Because he is a nice guy and obviously I hate to hurt him but also like this morning he stepped up again and is taking me out for breakfast.......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lululu said:


> He isn't with the mother of his child because she got bored with him, said it was the same conversations all the time and she lost interest. She broke up with him while she was pregnant.
> 
> Interestingly enough she lived an hour away from him and according to her he would have been at her door everyday had she allowed it.


Does this mean that you have spoken to her directly?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lululu said:


> a 39 yr old man.


He is a mature man. He's not going to change. What you see is what you get. And apparently the two of you are not compatible.

What do you know about his relationship history? There's an ex who had a baby. How long was he with her? How about other relationships? 

Has he ever been married or in a long-term relationship? If so, for how long? Why did the long-term relationship end?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lululu said:


> I'm beginning to wonder if he might have Aspergers Syndrome?


Lulu, he's a grown ass almost 40 year old *MAN* with an ex-wife (or ex girlfriend?) and a kid and he lives with his mommy who does his laundry and cooks his meals _for_ him like he's a freakin' 13 year old teenage boy.

What else do you even need to KNOW about this social misfit at this point?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

After care consideration I have come to the conclusion that this guy is a turd........The cigarette smoking ALONE would be a deal breaker for me. It was time to exit some time ago..........


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The not showering or brushing his teeth after spending the night would have done it for me.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

OK so its 1.45am in the morning, he is coming over for breakfast in the morning and I think it's time to break up with him but how do I stop him from coming in the morning now. No point in having breakfast if I don't intend on staying with him. Now I don't know how to handle this


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

"Hey, sorry to spring this on you last second but I want to cancel breakfast. After spending time considering our relationship I think it's best we stop seeing each other, I feel our personalities are too different for us to ever be a good couple. Best wishes" 

A phone call would be best but since he doesn't like to talk I wouldn't hesitate to break up by text.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Why do i feel like a piece of **** right now


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

lululu said:


> Why do i feel like a piece of **** right now


Well don't. You haven't hurt anyone and you presumably still have as many fingers as you did when you met this guy, so no big harm. 

If you never want to take a chance on a bad dating choice, buy yourself a nun's habit and/or a vibrator. Otherwise, you're like 99% of the rest of us who at some point made a poor dating choice. I sure have, and I'm glad I kept dating and met my wonderful but imperfect spouse.

People can tend harsh on the internet, that is unfortunate.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I broke it off with him this morning. Here is what transpired:


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Me: I'm sorry about sending that message at such a crazy hour but I just needed you to know sooner about cancelling the breakfast so that you didn't waste your time waking up early for no reason.

Your a really sweet guy Kent however it's pretty evident to me that you and I are not really compatible as a couple. I feel we are just too different, I'm more of an extrovert and you are more of an introvert. Makes it really difficult for me to form a meaningful connection with you. I think if your being honest with yourself too you will agree we aren't really in sync in this relationship therefore sadly I've made the decision to end our relationship and hope that we can still be friends.

I've still got your TV here so I will keep it safe until you are able to swing by one time to pick it up. Maybe you can pop in and grab it on the way home from one of your visits from Mahlie.

Take care and I wish only the best for you, I hope you find true happiness and goodluck with your job in the future. 

You will always have my friendship xx


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Him: "That's ok"

Me: "If you can't be friends I will understand. How do you feel about what's happened, do you agree with me because you haven't said much"

Him: "We can still be friends, i do agree with what you said"

Me: "Why didn't you say anything to me if you knew you wern't feeling it. It was very obvious"

Him: "I just think we could've kept it going and worked on it"

Me: "You can't change people's personalities, we both deserve to be absolutely crazy about someone and have them feel the same way about you in return. I could feel you were not crazy for me, I knew I wasn't rocking your world. We should have been on top of the world in the honeymoon period falling crazy in love with each other, you wern't and neither was I. All good, we wernt meant to be."

He actually went and changed his Facebook relationship status back to single after he read my very first message to him before replying too me first.....some people hey...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess you now know that he was not all that into you. It also sounds like he's got some issue like Asperger's.

How are you doing now?


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

I did think about the Aspergers thing, it's possible but who knows. I'm feeling great, a little sad it didn't work out but otherwise I know I made the right decision for me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lululu said:


> I did think about the Aspergers thing, it's possible but who knows. I'm feeling great, a little sad it didn't work out but otherwise I know I made the right decision for me.


What was it that made you decide to break it off? Just curious since you had posted about giving is some more time...

I'm glad you are good with your decision.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lululu said:


> I honestly feel like I'm just getting the breadcrumbs. If he is always too tired after work or caught in traffic or had to stay back a little later at work or has his daughter then I honestly understand it's out of his control however then that just tells me he doesn't have time for a proper relationship. It's just too casual at the moment.
> 
> He never locks me in ahead of time, I usually don't get told he is coming over until 6pm that night. He usually comes over after dinner around 7pm then leaves at 10pm.


You are just booty call. I suspect he is still involved with his baby's mama. Have they really broken up like he says. Why believe anything he says? Do you know for a fact?
I would kick him to the kerb and stop wasting time on a man who has no time for you.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Aine I wasn't a booty call however he just wasn't into it as he should have been. I think he has some weird issues going on. If you read everything you will find out so much more but I ended up breaking up with him yesterday anyway.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

3X I just couldn't stop thinking about his weird behaviors but the last straw was his unaffectionate behaviour while we were out Saturday night at a group event......it really just painted my picture so clear.....


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@lululu


Well done! Congratulations. I think you were firm; but very polite. And he survived just fine. You were way too concerned about his feelings.

If I may make a small suggestion. It _might_ be a good idea to edit out the actual names of your [now] ex, and his daughter. You never know who might read this; and since you've included a lot of personal info. about him, ie. his hygiene issues, his sexual performance... it might be nicer/better to not leave any clues as to his identity. The internet can be a small world.

If you used pseudonyms, then obviously that wouldn't apply.

Again, just a suggestion on my part. Obviously, it's your call.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dating is just trying out people to see who's a good fit. Nothing wrong with breaking up with someone who isn't.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Props to you lululu...that's always an awkward and tough conversation but you shouldn't ever feel guilty on looking out for yourself. It's pretty clear just how he handled the breakup that this guy wasn't going to be your KISA. Best to save everyone time and energy and heartache and break it off early when you just know in your heart...

Going forward try and be a bit more selective and not so quick to go into a committed relationship. Dabble and sample and enjoy meeting people. Not saying chase absolute perfection (nobody's perfect) but you shouldn't have to try so hard to force square pegs into round holes. This guy was a very big square peg.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Yes I won't be rushing anymore. Funny thing is that this man seems clueless. I honestly think he has Aspergers, he his a little weird. The night before I broke up with him he had mentioned to someone in our social group that "we were going strong" so this person was so shocked to find out we had broken up the very next day considering what he had said. Strange of him to have thought is to be that when it was only 2 weekends ago that I had told him he needed to step things up and that things wern't going so well......god only knows how his brain operates.


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## Dusk (Oct 29, 2018)

Dating is when you work out if you're compatible or not. You're clearly not, it's only been three months, time to move on.


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