# Overcoming intimacy issues?



## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

I've fallen in love with someone that's got intimacy issues and would love some advice or wisdom on how to try and overcome this and have a chance for a future with this man.

He's early forties and he's been single for years after being cheated on three times in a row. We met in December 14 and although we were friends at first it was quite obvious he liked me as more than a friend. I wasn't interested (on paper he's nothing that I was looking for) but over time spent as friends I started to return those feelings and we ended up sharing a kiss, that (sorry to sound cheesy) shook the earth.

I'm not prone to drama or anything but after that kiss (that went on for hours) I called a friends and said I was absolutely certain I'd found the man I was going to marry. I can't explain beyond that, it just felt like he was the person I was supposed to be with.

after that, we began to acknowledge the growing feelings between us, and started transitioning from "friends" to "a relationship". At that point, he started to do things to push me away, to sabotage things and test me to see how far he could push me. This of course made me angry and confused.

After weeks of this and giving him the "benefit of the doubt", I decided he obviously didn't like me as much as I liked him and I stopped contacting him and let him know I didn't like being treated like a low priority and wanted to be just friends again. He said that was okay with him.

After a week, he phoned me one night and told me he was "passing by my house" but I know where he'd been that day (at a sports event) and what he'd actually done was to ditch his group of friends and make a 2 hour detour to "pass by". 

He'd had a few drinks that night, and although he is usually a very closed and private person I think the alcohol loosened his tongue and gave him confidence to explain himself. He said he'd been too scared to contact me before, too proud and that he never did this but he didn't want to lose me. He said he knew he had tested me and pushed me and that the reason was that he was scared of where things were going and what would eventually happen. 

He said he thought that I would let him down or hurt him, because people always do this eventually. It wasn't any great romantic speech (he looked like he was annoyed throughout it!), but I did feel that he was being honest that he wants a relationship with me and is aware he's self sabotaging.

At the time, I told him I understood his issues and that I was a human being too and while I could be patient, I also had basic expectations of behavior from anyone I was dating, which were:

1. Spend time with me once a week
2. Let me know in advance plans so I am not waiting around
3. Keep in touch a little bit
4. Be honest and treat me with some respect

He said all that was completely fair and he'd do it, but then within 3 days failed to follow through when he didn't call when he said he would.

I then hit my own "limit" I suppose, and sent him an angry email to say I had enough of being treated that way and that I didn't want to date him or even be friends and I cut off contact again.

We have now not spoken for three weeks. He never replied to me, which doesn't surprise me as he's very proud and will be too scared to even if he wanted to.

I realise it would be a lot easier to have fallen in love with someone without these issues, but it just happened. I do believe he's in love with me too, but he's having great difficulty with it.

I don't want to be a doormat, and so I have stuck with the "no contact" I am now even dating other people. I understand that I need to have some standards and basic expectations and I am trying to value myself. It's just that my heart is still completely set on this man and I want to find a way to work through this if he can meet me halfway.

I hoped that he will take time (even if it's six months or a year) and come back to me willing to take this first step to simply "dating" and seeing what happens. It's clear from talking to him that after our first kiss he spent 24 hours walking on air, followed by him experiencing inability to sleep and feelings of panic. This is a deep issue here.

I understand also that I might never hear from him again, but I was wondering if anyone here had worked through commitment issues, fear of intimacy and overcome them? If anyone could offer any advice I'd be grateful.

My best friend had similar issues to this at the start of her relationship and she's getting married next week. She had very deep issues sharing and growing close with her husband to be, and the man had the patience of a saint. 

I also know it might not happen for me, but any advice would be welcome. 

Have I done the right thing by walking away and going no contact? If he does contact me ever again...what should I do? 

It might sound silly, but everything in my gut tells me that if I can get him to trust me just enough to get started that we will be right together. I'm a very strong person, with no big emotional hang ups and while I never anticipated I would ever fall in love with a "broken man" - I did.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bunchesoflove said:


> I don't want to be a doormat, and so I have stuck with the "no contact" I am now even dating other people. I understand that I need to have some standards and basic expectations and I am trying to value myself. It's just that my heart is still completely set on this man and I want to find a way to work through this *if he can meet me halfway*.


You don't want someone who can only meet you half way.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Thanks secondtime, I mean "initially". Meet me halfway for long enough to establish that I am an honest person, that I care about him, that we have a connection worth pursuing. I feel very strongly, from gut, instinct and also from what he has said that he very much wants a relationship with me and will be good at being in one once he "pulls the trigger", but making that first step forward is the issue for him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bunchesoflove said:


> Thanks secondtime, I mean "initially". Meet me halfway for long enough to establish that I am an honest person, that I care about him, that we have a connection worth pursuing. *I feel very strongly, from gut, instinct and also from what he has said that he very much wants a relationship with me *and will be good at being in one once he "pulls the trigger", but making that first step forward is the issue for him.


I'm not seeing it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, if you are willing to be the leader in the relationship, I think this could work. But be sure you are willing. Because this guy is going to require what your friend's husband has: the patience of a saint.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Yes, I had a very long talk with my best friend last night about this. I have always been with very stable / open / easy partners before so this is new to me (hard not to take personally initially because the behavior is rejection) but she had a talk with me about her own behavior to her now Fiance for the first few months and it was startlingly similar. She said she was just deeply unsettled by the concept of allowing herself to become vulnerable and let someone into her life after being alone so long / let down before. She says she also did not believe he truly loved her and was there to stay until they were around 9 months into things and it was his resolute patience combined with firm boundaries which allowed her to come to a place of commitment on her own.

I realise, please understand, this may never happen in this situation as it is up to him to make these steps - but I want to do my best to allow conditions to be optimum to allow for him to make this step if he chooses to.

I know in an ideal world both partners would be emotionally healthy and stable, but I do feel sometimes people might hopefully be an exception. I do feel strong enough and able to be the leader in this situation because I feel he is worth it and that I am in a peaceful enough place in myself to give this.

My stance right now on it is to be open to communication from him, but not to initiate it, and to be very clear that certain behavior is expected if he wants a relationship with me. while he remains without contact with me, I am dating other people and living a life that doesn't include him but taking this time and space has been me absolutely certain this is the man I want to be with if it is possible.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

JLD...also...reading your quote on your profile signature...I think this encompasses what I want to try and do for him. I know in this world it is often expected of the men to "be there" and be steadfast and prove trust to the woman who has forgotten how. Certainly that was how it was for me in my twenties - but I want to try and reverse that role and be that for him. As it's him who needs it. I hope this makes sense.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are what I would call the dominant in the relationship, OP. You are going to do fine.

I really think you instinctively know what to do. Just keep on doing it!


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Okay...so just hope he comes back....get on with my life in the meantime and be gentle / patient but have clear boundaries if he does come back?

Thank you JLD.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bunchesoflove said:


> JLD...also...reading your quote on your profile signature...I think this encompasses what I want to try and do for him. I know in this world it is often expected of the men to "be there" and be steadfast and prove trust to the woman who has forgotten how. Certainly that was how it was for me in my twenties - but I want to try and reverse that role and be that for him. As it's him who needs it. I hope this makes sense.


I have to laugh, bunches. You and I are polar opposites, and your man and mine are opposites. And that is totally fine! 

I am really glad you posted this morning. TAM needs more clearly dominant female voices. I think there are a lot of dominant women here who do not openly acknowledge, or perhaps even realize, their dominance. Having that framework can clarify a lot of things.

You could try looking up "domme" and reading some blogs. That might give you some ideas on how to emotionally lead the relationship. Though again, I think you are naturally dominant and will do fine even without any outside help!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bunchesoflove said:


> Okay...so just hope he comes back....get on with my life in the meantime and be gentle / patient but have clear boundaries if he does come back?
> 
> Thank you JLD.


Absolutely. You know just what to do. You are going to be successful, no matter what! I am sure of it!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't believe you can love somebody into good health. What has he done for himself? Has he gone through counseling? If this person was an alcoholic, or had ptsd, or was bipolar would you plan on healing him with your love? 

The only person who can fix this man is himself. I had intimacy issues after growing up with an alcoholic, the only person that helped me was me. I had to look for help. I needed to get counseling. Some white knight couldn't swoop in and save me.

I think this is a common mistake that people make; empathetic, compassionate, loving people who want to fix others with their love. Maybe it works sometimes but I bet the most common result is one partner putting in Herculean efforts and another partner resisting the entire process. If it were me I would want to see this person making their own efforts to heal themselves before I would get into a relationship with them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I don't believe you can love somebody into good health. What has he done for himself? Has he gone through counseling? If this person was an alcoholic, or had ptsd, or was bipolar would you plan on healing him with your love?
> 
> The only person who can fix this man is himself. I had intimacy issues after growing up with an alcoholic, the only person that helped me was me. I had to look for help. I needed to get counseling. Some white knight couldn't swoop in and save me.
> 
> I think this is a common mistake that people make; empathetic, compassionate, loving people who want to fix others with their love. Maybe it works sometimes but I bet the most common result is one partner putting in Herculean efforts and another partner resisting the entire process. If it were me I would want to see this person making their own efforts to heal themselves before I would get into a relationship with them.


She is waiting for him to come to her. I think that is a very good boundary she is setting.

I do believe one person can, if not outright heal another, at least make the environment conducive to healing. And bunches seems more than capable of doing that.

TAM generally holds to equal relationship philosophy. But not all people are meant for that. Bunches, imo, is a dominant, and a very healthy and realistic one at that. I think she could facilitate much healing in this man's life, and lead both of them into a loving, flourishing relationship.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Honestly...I have always been the polar opposite before! And I have had relationships where the man "loved me through" my issues and have grown to a place in my mid thirties (to be truthful those men contributed to the strong person I am now) where I am totally comfortable with "me", comfortable with being alone, and don't feel needy or unable to be the strong one. In fact being honest I am probably better at it, I just lacked the confidence when I was younger. 

I don't see him as a project or someone to fix. My therapist told me a long time ago you can't fix or heal anyone - and I know this - but it's a simple case of there being no one on earth I would rather talk to or spend time with than him, and that when we talk it feels like I'm doing exactly what I should be and I've never felt that certainty before - with the exception of my first love at 17.

I just want to try. I know it would be easier (maybe smarter) to walk away.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you have found your man, and your path, bunches. I hope you will keep us updated on how things go!


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Giro, I know he has to heal himself. I 100% know this, which is why I walked away and have the resolution inside myself to stand by that if he is not able to make these steps himself.

I do think though that there is a possibility, maybe just a small one, that I might be able to create circumstances where he thinks "Okay, I have this fear but now is the time to move past it" and maybe I can be inspiration for that.

I don't expect to save him, I know nobody can do this for anyone but themselves, but from my past experience (also had a shabby childhood) I do think the various men who have loved me and provided support to me have definitely helped me on that journey.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

thanks JLD, but I do know there's a very good chance I will never hear from him again...or that it might be months or years. I'm prepared for that and will live with it for the exact reasons Giro has raised....I can't do this for him, he has to want it more than he wants to be safe from being vulnerable.

I also know sometimes you can meet the right one, but it can be the wrong time or circumstance. I'm prepared for it and am not sitting checking my phone!

I'd rather never hear from him again than hear from him if he's not fully ready to be with me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bunchesoflove said:


> thanks JLD, but I do know there's a very good chance I will never hear from him again...or that it might be months or years. I'm prepared for that and will live with it for the exact reasons Giro has raised....I can't do this for him, he has to want it more than he wants to be safe from being vulnerable.
> 
> I also know sometimes you can meet the right one, but it can be the wrong time or circumstance. I'm prepared for it and am not sitting checking my phone!
> 
> I'd rather never hear from him again than hear from him if he's not fully ready to be with me.


Again, you have excellent boundaries, bunches. You know instinctively what to do. I have full confidence whatever you do will be best for him and you.

And if for some reason he is not The One, another man will come along who needs your love and leadership. Success will happen, eventually!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sorry to say this, but you have fallen for an old line. "Intimacy issues" are his way of giving himself an excuse for bad behavior. 

The bottom line is, do you want to be treated well, by someone who cares as much for you as you do for him, or do you want to be strung along by someone who has pulled the wool over your eyes?

You are blinded by your love, and that's ok. But outsiders can see this is total b.s. and you would be much better off walking away. He does not want to "heal" himself; he wants to eat his cake and have it, too, and he'll do j u s t enough to keep you hooked and putting up with his b.s. in the hopes that it will get better. Wake up and realize he's just gaming you (and he doesn't have to be aware of it for it to be gaming). Move on; you deserve better.


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