# Needing Marriage Advice - Feeling Lost and Lonely



## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

*Needing Marriage Advice - Wife Refuses To Get Our Own Place*

Hi all, first post here so my apologies if it is in the wrong place. Also pre-apologies for the essay but will start from the top.

I met my wife just over 2.5 years ago and she was perfect, everything we ever dreamed of. After three months I asked her to marry me and she agreed after she said she wanted to see me more. (She is from the Midlands and I am from the South East). So we got to work planning the wedding while I was working Monday to Friday and traveling up to her parents every weekend to see her... Every Sunday night when I had to leave to get back for work we were both in tears on the doorstep.

We carried on like that and took our first proper holiday together to Cornwall where she grew up. She was thankful because I took her back there and I said we should move here as I always wanted to move somewhere way out and by the sea. She was over the moon!

So time went on and we visited back there numerous times to look at houses and eventually found a place... I quit my job to move there together after my parents aid 6 months rent for us to get our feet off the ground. It turned out the house we took was badly built and the landlord was a con man so we left the place breaking the contract and the landlord refused t give any money back at all...

With nowhere to go my wife's mum (divorced her dad so lives alone) offered us to go back there to stay until we find somewhere else. It was ok for my wife as she pretty much just went home, whereas I decided to move in with her so we didn't have to go back to only having weekends together. I agreed to move in with the mother in law...

At first it was great, we were together and had a stable place t stay together... I eventually found a job there after numerous failed attempts. I then started to get fed up as 3 months down the line were still at her mums... fine for my wife but for me it was the fact of living under someone else's roof under their rules, I cant do what I want and was starting to get to me...

We started looking for our own place which had to be nearby my wifes mums as she didn't want to leave her on her own which I agreed simply as I was showing a bit of compassion.

We found a flat closeby but the deal fell through and another month passed with no word. I mentioned it again to my wife that I was getting fed up there with no space or time together without her mum.

My wife then got a high paying job however it was long shift hours and very stressful because of the people she worked with. The routine then started and things started to go wrong... she would come home every night and tell the stories of what happened at work until it was time for bed, my interests were low in her job anyway so talking about it was fine for a bit but after I while I started to not talk about it... instead my wife spoke to her mum and I was left with no one to talk to in someone elses house while she spoke to her mum instead.

The arguments began saying that we never talk, to which my argument was we don't have anything to talk about other than her work as we dont go out together and we are always stuck in her mums house...

The rift grew from that and we eventually found the perfect house as I was saying that once we got our own place like married couples should, we would have our own space and do what we want, therefor creating more to talk about...

I paid the £200 deposit but she wouldn't sign her bit, I kept asking why and she argued telling me not to keep nagging about it. I said you cant blame me for wanting to get our own place quicker, to which she wouldnt reply.

It got to the stage we dont talk to each other, shes having digs because im at her mums house... for example I ask her mum what to do with the dinner plate and she says leave it on the side so I do but then my wife starts saying that I dont put the effort in and clear it up anyway. Which I have spoken to her mum and she said she wuldnt expect me to anyway...

It broke and her mum asked us both separately whats going on and I asked numerous times until I got a reply why she wouldn't sign for the house. She then told me that she wasnt going to sign anything while we are like this.. Which begins the endless loop...

I want to move out because I am fed up with no space or time together away from her mum and her house which is causing us to not talk because my wife is speaking to her mum all the time, yet my wife wont move out because we wont talk. Surely the solution would be to move out right? That's what we got married for really...

Nothing was said again until the mother in law had to speak out to which my wife told her shes not ready to move out and that I was pushing her into getting the house. I then spoke to my wife on her own and she said that I need to grow up (we are 22 and 23) as I don't look after myself, dont bother to make myself look nice when we go out or anything and shes fed up of having to do it for me. I said to her I have always been that day since we first got together and even before that... I am happy to stick some trackies and a hoodie on, it's what I have always done. Her reply was yes but your 23 now, don't you think its time to grow up, you seam perfectly happy to stay as you are...

Now that has made me think, all this time since we got married she has been thinking I have changed, to be honest I thought the same about her. I read up on this and it's the rose tinted glasses before we were married, and now we are married we are seeing each other in a new light.

Again though my argument is if we have our own place we can work on things like that, whereas being at her mums is holding us back in what we can do and pulling us apart. Her reply then was her mum needs her after the cornwall situation... I have spoken to her mum before about that and she said she doesn't want her to stay all the time, thats not right when we are married and that she will be fine on her own...

So I think the issue there is my wife doesn't want to leave her mum and has got settled back at home.

It's come down to three options really and I don't think any have a god outcome...

1) I stay at her mums and change myself, but then I am lieing to myself that I want to be there and pretending to be someone I am not.

2) I move out to my own place in her area so we have our own space, she can stay at her mums and go from there. But then the issue is the cost of that on my own and the fact I still wouldn't see her as she would still be working and going to her mums all the time talking about her work. That also means if I were to g back home to my parents in the South East we would have even less time.

3) The one no one wants is to go our separate ways which will destroy us both and everything we ever had.

I am stuck now and that decision has been left with me which is tearing me apart, so many thoughts going through my head about what to do in the present and then an image of the past we had together comes to me and I simply break down in tears. Yes I know, a 23 year old guy in tears but she really is my whole world and I know nothing without her anymore.

Has anyone got any advice? If I stay at her mums things will get worse, yet if I go find my own place we wont see each other in which case its as good as going our separate ways...


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## marykay0909 (Jul 20, 2011)

Wow how sad. I would be very upset if I were you too. Your wife sounds like she needs to grow up and decide if she wants to be married and comitted to her husband. It sounds as if she isnt putting any effort into the marriage. If it were me I would find my own place and give her the choice to come with you or stay with her mom. If she stays then the message is clear what choice she is making.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

Thing is I can't really afford to get a place on my own unless I go for a house share which we both said we didn't want anyway. She just doesn't want to leave her mum and said the thing that pushed it with her was when I said for the last time that I was sick of staying there.

She forgets its no different for her...

I don't know what to do, I am just speaking to everyone I can seeking advice and who I can fall back to... If she won't move out with me then what is keeping me there? She said herself if I stay there at her mums things will get worse..

I am actually wondering if she wants me to go and I think I am going to have to ask. I am just going to say tonight and ask her to speak from the heart and not from all the anger and everything, does she want me to stay... if she does, the deal will be if she is willing to make some kind of compromise. I already made the massive comprise to move from Cornwall to the Midlands with her and not to go home. As well as staying at her mums for a lot longer than planned.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

Also not sure if I said but my heads everywhere at the moment... if the worst happens then I am stuck... I have a home to go to in the SE but a job in the Mids...

If I go home I wont have a job and will possibly loose my car, plus have the issue of getting my stuff back home. But if I stay I am homeless and don't know anyone other than my wife's family.

I am speaking to my parents and they said I can come home any time but have said it's going to be hard leaving her. I will also be mentally lost as the last two and a bit years my friends have been made through her and everything I have I have.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

If there is anyone still reading my essay above, there is slight progress but nowhere further forward.

I spoke to her mum a lot last night and some of the things I said have confused her too, she thinks its just a cover story... so the fact my wife has said her mum needs her is rubbish, her mum actually said she needs no one.

When I picked her up last night she was in a happier mood and we did have a little laugh but I feel it was because shes trying to convince her mum that everything's ok. When we went to bed she was speaking to her mum for a good 45 mins and I actually fell asleep, I needed it after loosing sleep over this.

When she did come to bed she asked me what we are doing to which I replied I don't know... What are we doing?... There was no reply, so I said do you want to move? She replied a plain quick NO!... I stayed calm and just said do you want me to move? She said no again, so I said what if I found somewhere for myself to go She simply said how would I afford that, said I wouldn't survive on my on on my wage and I probably wouldn't see her at all then. She told me I only want to move out so that I am happy, to which my reply was yes but you only want to stay so your happy. That then went onto her saying, it seams we both want different things... Which we both went to sleep after.

I am still baffled, she either does want me to go but wont say it or does want me to stay but refusing to move. It would make me feel bad that Im basically saying move or I will go but the fact shes saying not while things are the way they are changes that and seams like shes not willing to try and fix it.

What I should have said was ok, you sign for the house, I will move in and you stay at your mums. When she would turn around and say I am not paying for somewhere I don't live, I could simply say but it was ok for me to pay for somewhere we are not living?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It is time to give her a real wake up call. Present her divorce papers. You can always change your mind later.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

dormant said:


> It is time to give her a real wake up call. Present her divorce papers. You can always change your mind later.


Yes, that probally would get me an instant answer though I am in the corner of she knows I don't want t just give up on us and the fact I would have nowhere to go but home and in my current situation that would mean I wouldn't afford to run my car or anything.

I am thinking there must be some kind of compromise, between us both though not just me. I am not too sure what that would be though and if it's just lieing to myself again. I would be happer to just spend two nights or evenings away from her mums house a week, either together or not or one of each.

I feel like I have no life at her mums because I am held back from doing anything. It's like I am a total car nut... before we moved together I used to spend most nights working on my car. I can't do that at her mums house.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

*Re: Needing Marriage Advice - Wife Refuses To Get Our Own Place*

I have great advice for you, but due to your age/maturity level (nothing to do with you, just nature) you are not going to like it.

First, let's start at the biggest red flag of them all. You asked her for marriage after 3 months? And you guys were dating long distance? HUGE HUGE mistake.

Look I understand all of the sparks that fly during initial phase of the relationship. I'm going to suggest that you do some reading on "honeymoon" phase.

Before you make a LIFETIME commitment, invest TIME into your relationship. Most say, wait AT LEAST 2 years and see what the relationship is like after that honeymoon phase.

3 months of long distance is also more like a week or 2 of actual IN PERSON contact.

When those sparks die down after 2 years, you will be left with REALITY. I have a feeling both you and your wife are in for a shock.

Now, onto the other issues you are dealing with. 

Issue #1 - you being fed up living with her mom. Sorry to tell you this, but you need to let go of "yourself" a little bit here. It is what it is, and sure you might not like it but suck it up for god's sakes. I'm sure your wife is not exactly thrilled about it either, but I'm also sure she doesn't complain/whine about it as much as you do. You mentioned your mother in law SO many times in your post. I also hope you realize that this doesn't play very well with her mother.....and it seems like she continues to be nice to you as well.

Not cool man. Let go of this. Fight your inner demons....in time, things will get better.

You can't always have what you want. And whining about it will ONLY make things worse!!!

DO NOT talk about "living with your mother/no space etc" again. When you talk to your wife, talk to her in terms of "we should get our own place" and not "we should get our own place cause it sucks to have your mother around".

Remember, it's WAY more important to be NICE than it is to be RIGHT.



I would lay low on this end and possibly even apologize to her mom in front of your wife for being a jerk. Tell her that you were a bit selfish and although you still think it's best that you and your wife have your own place, let's make things best with what we have now. Both your wife and mom will appreciate that.

Your whining about her mom living with you guys is no different than your wife whining about her job. 

Issue #2 - your wife communications about work. I'm going to say you are somewhat wrong on this. When your wife speaks, you listen.....let her vent. AND if it becomes overwhelming, try to change subject nicely. When it becomes out of control, I want you to sit your wife at the table, grab her hand, smile and tell her "honey, I totally understand everything you are telling me about your work, and I still want you to continue to vent to be about it as it it is important. BUT it is getting a bit out of control and it seems like you are constantly venting and not allowing us to have any other conversations on different subject. Can we limit it to 10-15 min and move on to talk about us and our life"?

How does that sound? 

Relationships are ALL about communications....amongst other things. But healthy/adult conversation in a healthy/open environment are crucial to success of your marriage!!!

Ignoring her and isolating yourself from her are a WRONG thing to do. Identify your emotion or how person makes you feel with what they are doing, find a way to tell them nicely when it gets out of control.

And this kind of falls into my next advice that I suggest you take seriously (and I wish my parents taught me this.......but they didn't and I had to find out the hard way). 

Deal with issues that come up HEAD ON and RIGHT AWAY. Think of them as snowballs rolling down the hill. It will get bigger and bigger and the hit at the bottom will be bad.

DO NOT IGNORE ISSUES WITH YOUR WIFE, EVER.

I'm not saying your wife is not wrong for yapping away, she is, but you are WAY more wrong for isolating yourself from her and ignoring her.

Hope you understand.

As for your wife's job, if she is not happy,and you feel that, tell her that. "Honey, it seems like this job is making you miserable and to be honest, I don't care how much they pay you....it's not worth your anxiety and HEALTH". 

You get the point....

Issue #3 - Wife asking you to be more mature. LISTEN. I'm not telling you to dump ALL your clothes, but how about going to the store with her and you 2 pick out something nice for you 2 wear for a date or something? Trust me, this will pay off FOR YOU in the end. Remember, she works with man that probably dress well and she might simply like that.....and would like to see that in her own man. 

DO IT

Issue #4 - moving. I think as you work above out, this will naturally happen.

Remember, your wife and you are a UNIT, not individuals. Work as a team, it will not only bring you closer but you will both get the best benefits of the marriage.

Personally, I think you 2 can make this work and resolve it. I also believe your marriage will be just fine (regardless what I said in the first paragraph, that's just something for you to know/accept in case you are ever in the dating scene again).

As an immediate step, I would schedule an event with your wife. Date or take her out hiking......camping or something you 2 can do together ALONE.

PROVE to her and show her how great things will be once her mom doesn't live with you (just keep yourself/your words at bay on the subject).

Marriage is ALL about compromise, communication and companionship. Remember this!

Good luck


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You are caught between two women and that, my friend, is the definition of hell. 

Don't make this complicated. Just cut the damned umbilical cord and get out. Tell wifey that's what will happen and that it's non negotiable. She is welcome to come along or stay. Staying will equate to the serving of divorce papers. 

She may not like it and make it hell for you, but in the long run you'll be more attractive to her and yourself because you man up and make your own life. 

Staying with mother in law is a sure recipe for disaster.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She doesn't want to leave her mother. You do. Move out.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

As usual, the marriage wreckers are out in force.

But my advice is to remain where you are. Your wife doesn't want to move out and it won't kill you to stay and your determination to do so is damaging your marriage.

I do, however, recommend that you spend more time outside the home, e.g. dating or sightseeing or vacationing.

I also recommend that you come to a better understanding of why your wife does not want to move out. I am not convinced that you know the answer to this. And she is probably too suspicious right now to tell you the genuine answer fearing that you'll just use it to argue.

Instead, tell her that you accept that you two will be staying in her mum's house and find out what is holding her there. It may be as innocent as concern for her mum or it may be fear of being alone with you. Find out.

What you are experiencing are very typical young marriage challenges. You need to learn how to work such problems out with her before you have to deal with really difficult issues.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> You are caught between two women and that, my friend, is the definition of hell.
> 
> Don't make this complicated. Just cut the damned umbilical cord and get out. Tell wifey that's what will happen and that it's non negotiable. She is welcome to come along or stay. Staying will equate to the serving of divorce papers.
> 
> ...


To put your marriage on the line based on these issues = you are completely out of your F'in mind

Sorry

They are in their 20s, I know this might be hard to comprehend for your average American and all......but this is the NORM around the world (into DEEP 20s AND 30s at times).

And it's becoming reality for Americans as well!!!


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> As usual, the marriage wreckers are out in force.
> 
> But my advice is to remain where you are. Your wife doesn't want to move out and it won't kill you to stay and your determination to do so is damaging your marriage.
> 
> ...


Those saying about the age thing, thanks but no thanks... I know for a fact that won't ruin anything alone. My parents were married in their 20s and still married now...

*ladymisato*, You seam more helpful with this and to be honest after reading your reply and having a think I do feel slightly better in myself, knwing that if I did just deal with it then the one I love would be happier and we can work towards where we was before and then think about moving out again.

I was thinking of making a compromise with her and hope she agrees with it. 

Firstly being no phones, I am fine with an hour or so each night after work to catch up but after that, put them away and its time together as part of the issue is we both end up with noses in phones and wont talk. 

Secondly being at least one night a week together, going out for a meal or whatever... again, no phones. If we don't have the time then make the time. It has been over a month since we had any proper quality time together now.

Thirdly, I will look after myself a bit more in terms of clothes when we go out together or somewhere nice, any other time I will wear as I wish as that's what I am comfy in.

Fourthly... more of a deal with her mum. Once or twice a month I would like to be able to go out alone... An interesting one literally just popped up. I was invited to a drinking night with the guys at work, I said yes but then thought how would that work? The wifes mum doesn't like people turning up to her house drunk and definitely wouldn't want me turning up at around 1am. Unless of course I stay in a hotel somewhere and leave my car somewhere.

She says her reasons for not wanting to move out is because her mum needs her (cleared that one up with her mum already), after the Cornwall situation she doesn't feel confident anymore and because the fact we are arguing she thinks it will get a few weeks down the line and I will leave her and move back to my parents. I do understand her reasons and think she understands my reasons but she is stubborn with things.

I think that is a far compromise, as long as she accepts that or even if she wants to change that slightly or even add her own.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

is91 said:


> Those saying about the age thing, thanks but no thanks... I know for a fact that won't ruin anything alone. My parents were married in their 20s and still married now...


I was married at 20, and it worked out fine, but I also seen MANY not work out. It's a % game, you have better chances more mature you are, simple as that. 

You really don't know YOURSELF very well until you reach 30s. Accept this fact. For next 5-10 years you will be discovering yourself etc.

One day, you will get to a point where you realize that things you thought that is cool today, or thought it was cool during teenage years.....becomes stupid/worthless etc. And things you thought was lame and boring....all of the sudden become awesome and valuable.

THAT is the first signs of maturity.

I thought I was mature/an adult in the early 20s as well. I was FAR FAR FAR from it (quiet the opposite actually). Mind you, I was way ahead of you as we already had 3 kids and 4th on the way so I was already living (mid 30s/40s adult like life at the time).

It certainly advanced my maturity process.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

DoF said:


> I was married at 20, and it worked out fine, but I also seen MANY not work out. It's a % game, you have better chances more mature you are, simple as that.
> 
> You really don't know YOURSELF very well until you reach 30s. Accept this fact. For next 5-10 years you will be discovering yourself etc.
> 
> ...


I hear what you say mate, we both consider ourselves quite mature. My wife more so recently since she started her job and myself... well, ok perhaps my wife more than me haha. I am mature enough to run my own "business" all-be-it my "business" is non profit other than selling a few items of clothing and stickers but I manage a lot of people at events.

Though my "business" would probably fall into the thinking its cool now category but I have seen others do the same thing well into old age. It's more of a hobby combing with business.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

is91 said:


> Those saying about the age thing, thanks but no thanks... I know for a fact that won't ruin anything alone. My parents were married in their 20s and still married now...
> 
> *ladymisato*, You seam more helpful with this and to be honest after reading your reply and having a think I do feel slightly better in myself, knwing that if I did just deal with it then the one I love would be happier and we can work towards where we was before and then think about moving out again.
> 
> ...


Lots to think about, I'll do my best to offer some points for you consideration.

First, I'd like to suggest that instead of seeking compromise that you consider, instead, a tactical retreat. I think you need to earn back her trust and confidence. It may be, as you say, that she's concerned for her mum and her mum is tell you what you want to hear or doesn't herself realize her own needs. But remember, she is not getting younger so you could end up moving out and having her move in with you when she does need assistance. You might as well deal with this now.

However, my suspicion is that your wife dug in her heels because she felt you were pushing her into something that she didn't want. She might be holding on to mum for security or even to spite you. Of course, you are there and we are not but I don't think you should assume you're getting an honest answer from her at this time.

I think everything you are suggesting is reasonable and probably would work better than what you're doing now.

But focus on rebuilding trust with your wife and getting better at communicating with her and getting her to communicate with you. That will serve you well in the future.

One last comment: You really need to think in terms of changing. Marriage changes people. When people don't change the marriage fails. That goes for both spouses, of course, but since you're here I'm directing it at you. Use this incident to rethink your own sense of self and what you're willing to do to make the marriage work. If you show you are willing to change then you are much more likely to persuade her to change with you and arrive, together, at something that works.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

If I were in your situation I would bring the situation up in front of her Mom as she seems to have both feet on the ground from the way you have talked of her GOOD LUCK


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> Lots to think about, I'll do my best to offer some points for you consideration.
> 
> First, I'd like to suggest that instead of seeking compromise that you consider, instead, a tactical retreat. I think you need to earn back her trust and confidence. It may be, as you say, that she's concerned for her mum and her mum is tell you what you want to hear or doesn't herself realize her own needs. But remember, she is not getting younger so you could end up moving out and having her move in with you when she does need assistance. You might as well deal with this now.
> 
> ...


Ok, I didn't manage to get on here over the weekend but a lot has happened since.

Friday night her mum went out for an hour and left us to talk. A lot was said, some quite hurtful things between us. The issue she brought up numerous times is she is convinced I have turned my parents against her as I have spoke to them about it over the phone... She has agreed to travel down to mine in the SE for one night this weekend but mainly to pick up all her stuff that was boxed up when we moved to bring it back to the storage unit. I am a bit suspicious about that but my parents have said it needs to be done as its been there too long now, plus the fact the storage unit is in my name too so I am ignoring that. 

The other thing she said which I don't know how to get around is she was saying how unfair it was that she has the majority wage at her job and would have to pay more then half of the house cost when it would only be me there mostly and in her words "you would be getting a virtually free house while I graft away at work". I didn't think ahead at the time but s he doesn't realize it was me who paid petrol to go to cornwall numerous times, me who paid for the van hire to get our stuff there and me who's paid for the storage unit. So really about £800 on the rest of the house compared to well over £2000 isn't fair at all... I would point out that 90% of whats in the storage unit is hers as well! However I am letting that slide for now as if we get in an argument over money then there is no hope.

Things escalated though and I couldn't really get a word in without getting shot down so I pretty much got up and said I think I had better go for the night as this isn't going anywhere and her mum would be back soon which I can't pretend its all ok to.

She jumped up too and said im not letting you go tonight and I replied saying you can't stop me really and I carried on and started packing my stuff. She then said we may not be getting on but I do care about you and you have nowhere to go. I said I would find a hotel or something and she said there wont be any available now, so I said I will find a motorway services one or just sleep in the car. She said just stay the night and if you still want to go, then go tomorrow. I just sat down on the bed when she said that and her mum came back home... My wife must have been talking to her mum for a good 10 mins before they both came back up to me and her mum said, without making it sound like she was on my side said to us both to just back off each other a bit and let each other do our own thing, as for staying at her mums she said theres three months until xmas, stay until then and after that she wants us both out. That way my wifes got what she wanted to stay at home and I have a date I can say I am going.

We pretty much agreed on that and just went to bed, nothing much was said more other than my wife told me to stop speaking about it to her mum, which I didn't reply.

My wifes been working all weekend so I ave only had the evenings with her. So to pass my time I went for a walk and took my camera which I actually enjoyed despite being on my own. When I picked my wife up though the mood changes and although we talk, its sort of one word answers and silence.. no conversation. The weekend pretty much went on like that and if I said about what I had been up to, I just got an "oh..." reply and at one point a slightly sarcastic "did you go on your own".

Things picked up a little last night where her dog which usually bites me (another argument point) jumped up and licked my hands. Which for a change I didn't mind as it was actually a friendly thing, not long after I did get a smile and kiss.

So things are getting there I guess but its a case of see what happens now. Trouble is while we are in the one word answer bit I sort of dread it after work, to the poin I have got my phone out again. However I am only sending the odd message to my parents and putting it down again. Im also trying to take more interest in her work...


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

is91 said:


> Ok, I didn't manage to get on here over the weekend but a lot has happened since.
> 
> Friday night her mum went out for an hour and left us to talk. A lot was said, some quite hurtful things between us. The issue she brought up numerous times is she is convinced I have turned my parents against her as I have spoke to them about it over the phone... She has agreed to travel down to mine in the SE for one night this weekend but mainly to pick up all her stuff that was boxed up when we moved to bring it back to the storage unit. I am a bit suspicious about that but my parents have said it needs to be done as its been there too long now, plus the fact the storage unit is in my name too so I am ignoring that.
> 
> ...


Once again, a lot to digest so, again, I'll limit myself to a few points.

While there may be some craziness on your wife's side of things (e.g. the bit about you conspiring with her parents) I think you could do a lot more to reduce the tension on your end. Instead of fighting and arguing with her, see where she wants things to go.

Here is a specific example: You mentioned that she is earning more than you are and that finances are a big issue between you. There is a lot about who pays for what and so on. But married couples should have unified finances.

So why not suggest that she manage the family finances? That would force her to think about these financial decisions and reveal her spending priorities. Unless you think she will do something crazy, it would take a source of conflict off the table between you.

My sense is that your wife is having some difficulties with the concept of marriage and you must be the one to guide her toward a better understanding. As I said before, make some tactical retreats and see what she does. Instead of arguing with her, agree, or at least agree to try it her way first, and see how she reacts.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The advice given to you by DoF and LadyMisato is spot on mate.

You need to work with your wife not against her. Sure she maybe digging her heels in but it seems that she loves you and wants you around. It also sounds like you have got a good person in your MIL. Sounds like a wise person to me.

Suck it up and do what you need to do. You two have the rest of your lives to get a home together and have kids etc. These are the early years, and while they are tough, they should be more about you two working together, back-to-back, watching each others backs and taking on the rest of the world while enjoying each other. Stop the bickering and start supporting her and manning up.

Don't mean to be harsh and it sounds like your heart is in the right place. I moved in with my (now) wife when I was 20 and am now in my 50's. Things weren't easy and many compromises and many mistakes were made - by me. Wish I had someone to advise me then - would have been less painful a learning experience.

Show your wife that you love and support her as opposed to opposing her and you will reap rewards many times over the effort you put in. By the way, the Midlands can be a great place from which to launch your career, next move etc. I live in the SE and its great here, but only because I have my wife by my side.

By the way you did say you were from the SE (not Cornwall right, which is in the SW).


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> Once again, a lot to digest so, again, I'll limit myself to a few points.
> 
> While there may be some craziness on your wife's side of things (e.g. the bit about you conspiring with her parents) I think you could do a lot more to reduce the tension on your end. Instead of fighting and arguing with her, see where she wants things to go.
> 
> ...


The finance thing is an odd one for me as when I lived with my parents in the south east I was on a very high paying job, but used that money to travel up to the midlands every weekend so really wasn't left with much after. Only a comfortable amount to keep living on, there was a strain on the bank account when we were traveling to Cornwall and back and when the car insurance was due but I dealt with it myself.

Now the tables have turned as my wife was on the low wage before and now shes on the high wage and I am on minimum wage at 40 hours a week. Rather looking forward to the minimum wage increase at the end of the month.

As a result of that and the fact when we moved to Cornwall and then to the mids, I had no job so had to live off my savings. We both agreed on that, to use my savings to keep my car running and find a job etc. and she would sort out the rent at her mums and pay for the food.

That's always been the understanding, I now have a job but she still pays the rent and food, but on the other hand I pay for our storage unit and petrol to pick her up from work etc.

Last night was interesting, she has worked 8 days in a row and I understood she was nackered but she didn't want to talk to me much and didn't really care about my day, only wanting to talk about hers. I said something about my day at one point only to get the implied "haha" puff of air through the nose thing.

We then went to her aunts who actually said to her do you ever put your phone down. I was actually feeling quite smug with myself as my phone had not been out all night and she was arguing with me about getting phones out at other peoples houses. We then stopped at the supermarket on the way back, to which my attempts at conversation were totally ignored. Then we stopped and got takeaway on route back and had more of a conversation when we were eating and when we went to bed.

So up until that point I felt a bit like a taxi that night...



> By the way, the Midlands can be a great place from which to launch your career, next move etc. I live in the SE and its great here, but only because I have my wife by my side.
> 
> By the way you did say you were from the SE (not Cornwall right, which is in the SW).


Yeah, it took a while to find a job as a lot of it in the mids is industrial work like warehouse or factory but I found this job in the end which is is the office.

Ah sorry its got confusing somewhere... I am from the SE, my wife is from the Mids where I have moved to now and we both moved to the SW in Cornwall for a short time.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What nobody is really addressing here and what I think is at the root of all of this is the money thing.

She doesn't seem to respect you since she is the bread winner. It is a huge deal for women even if they don't admit it. I'm willing to wager that if you found a high paying job things would go far more smoothly with her.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> What nobody is really addressing here and what I think is at the root of all of this is the money thing.
> 
> She doesn't seem to respect you since she is the bread winner. It is a huge deal for women even if they don't admit it. I'm willing to wager that if you found a high paying job things would go far more smoothly with her.


Perhaps, but I can tell you from personal experience that this is not the only possibility. Often when wives earn more than husbands what they are after is a commensurate elevation in their position in the marriage, i.e. to be respected and acknowledged and to have a bigger voice in decisions. The whole fight over whether to move, for example, suggests this.

I'm not saying that's what's going on here but don't assume that the only solution is for the husband to outearn the wife or that wives who outearn their husbands don't respect them.

http://bigflipdocumentary.com/


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Is your sex life okay at your mother-in-law's house?

I mean, is she right on the other side of the wall of your bedroom?

I'm not asking for details.

But a decent sex life is necessary for a happy marriage.

Just seems like it could possibly be a bit inhibiting; and therefore not a good thing.

Hope I'm wrong and everything is okay in that area of your relationship.


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

sinnister said:


> What nobody is really addressing here and what I think is at the root of all of this is the money thing.
> 
> She doesn't seem to respect you since she is the bread winner. It is a huge deal for women even if they don't admit it. I'm willing to wager that if you found a high paying job things would go far more smoothly with her.


I have thought this is the case myself, while I am strugling to survive on minimum wage with only petrol costs, phone bill and storage unit costs, her money is just going up and up.

We have always shared the cost of things when we go out though, like if we ar eout for a meal she buys the drinks and I get the food and visa versa next time.

Thing I noted was during the argument last week I brought up the £200 I paid for the house we are now not taking and the fact I won't get that back as well as the fact I thought we were going half each. She said well its only £200! My reply was simply, dont forget not everyone is on your wage and £200 is almost an entire weeks wage for me that I have lost. Her reply was simple to that and said well I will give you it back then as I am not having that over my head, I pretty much told her not to bother as that was the least of our problems.



intheory said:


> Is your sex life okay at your mother-in-law's house?
> 
> I mean, is she right on the other side of the wall of your bedroom?
> 
> ...


Sex life is pretty much non existent and has been like that for quite some time now. The reason being shes tied after work and there's not much privacy at her mums for something like that...

We used to wait until we were back at mine for the weekend as at my parents I am literally allowed to do as I please and my parents fitted a door lock for me. At her mums its pretty much an "oh shi... is that someone coming up the stairs?".

The last time was a few months back and I think even my wife felt there wasn't much passion to it, I would put that down to it feeling slightly awkward after months of not doing anything anyway.

We have some progress anyway, I have come down with a cold and after I unexpectedly got up while my wife was in the bath and went to bed I got a bit of sympathy and he said shes looking forward to a break away at my parents this weekend. I also don't know if I dreamed it or not but I still did it but when she got into bed I heard her say come here, as if to say come closer to cuddle up like we always used to when we slept. I did but not sure if I was dreaming that or not.

My plan for the weekend is to take her back to the restraint we both first went to the first time we got together as a sort of old times sake thing.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

is91 said:


> Sex life is pretty much non existent and has been like that for quite some time now. The reason being shes tied after work and there's not much privacy at her mums for something like that...
> 
> We used to wait until we were back at mine for the weekend as at my parents I am literally allowed to do as I please and my parents fitted a door lock for me. At her mums its pretty much an "oh shi... is that someone coming up the stairs?".
> 
> ...




Having some kind of sexual release together is going to make everything better. Make it easier to get through bad times. You'll have more of a feeling of closeness even when you're not having sex.

I'm sure you know that already. But you shouldn't have to settle for no sex.

I hope you weren't dreaming and your wife did curl up next to you in bed. Why don't you ask her about it?


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## is91 (Sep 2, 2014)

intheory said:


> Having some kind of sexual release together is going to make everything better. Make it easier to get through bad times. You'll have more of a feeling of closeness even when you're not having sex.
> 
> I'm sure you know that already. But you shouldn't have to settle for no sex.
> 
> I hope you weren't dreaming and your wife did curl up next to you in bed. Why don't you ask her about it?


I know but the way things are at the moment, it would be awkward and don't think it would help. I could see it only opening up a new argument of that's not how we used to do things...

I am still baffled to be honest... things were going well, then last night because I still have this cold I wasn't hungry. So I told her I didn't want much to eat after she already started putting some quick ready cold pasta on the plate and the reply I got was "you will eat what your given". I ignored that again and ironically did eat it all despite the fact creamy cheesy pasta and a cold just made me feel sick. She then went and did something else so I decideed to just go to bed like I did the night before... Half hour later she comes upstairs and in her words said... "oh so you are taking yourself to bed now then are you? Nice of you to tell me, I made you a drink but I will put it in the fridge then... Typical man making things worse than it really is...".

Me thinking that was a bit out of order just stayed in bed and went to sleep.

At times I think we are making progress and at other times I think about what's going on and it really does feel like I am being used and strung along for my car and until she gets all her stuff back to hers and into storage.

I think I must have dreamed the cuddling thing as we didn't last night, there wasn't even a kiss and her reason for that was I don't want the cold again (she had it a few weeks back), so she just kissed her hand and sort of waved.

I think I will wait until Saturday night at my parents and see if she wants to sit and cuddle on the bed and watch tv like we used to and just ask if she misses it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

is91 said:


> . . . .things were going well, then last night because I still have this cold I wasn't hungry. So I told her I didn't want much to eat after she already started putting some quick ready cold pasta on the plate and the reply I got was *"you will eat what your given".* I ignored that again and ironically did eat it all despite the fact creamy cheesy pasta and a cold just made me feel sick. She then went and did something else so I decideed to just go to bed like I did the night before... Half hour later she comes upstairs and in her words said...* "oh so you are taking yourself to bed now then are you? Nice of you to tell me, I made you a drink but I will put it in the fridge then... Typical man making things worse than it really is..."*.
> 
> *Me thinking that was a bit out of order *just stayed in bed and went to sleep.


Terrible treatment to receive when you are feeling sick. Yikes.

Once you are an adult; you get to say what you will and won't eat.

You are right. It was way out of order. It was horrid and rude.


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