# Need your Vote!! Am I Crazy?



## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

So lots of issues o/s with my relationship, but this is one example that I really would appreciate your comments on. Trying to fiure out if I am out to lunch or not.

Have been married 10 years. My parents live one hour away from us. It means a lot to them to have us visit and stay overnight now and then. Therefore it means a lot to me.

During the 10 years of my marriage, we have never stayed overnight at my parents. My spouse states it is just as easy to come home, and they prefer to sleep in their own bed.

I understand it is an easy drive to us come home, but maybe twice a year or something it would be nice to stay over. I have made it clear many times to my spouse that it would mean a lot to me.

My spouse's rebuttal is that I have not put in any effort to learn to drive standard. My spouse's vehicle is standard and I do not drive it because of this. I have tried a few times to learn but never have got it down. My spouse believes it would be helpful from time to time for me to have the ability to drive their vehicle.

I feel bringing up the example of driving standard does not relate to staying over at my parents. It seems to me this is one of the few things my spouse can hold over me, and brings it up to rebut a few things. I just feel it does not hold the same weight of staying over at my parents. So am I crazy or do they have a solid rebuttal? Thanks!!!


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

NO your not crazy.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

im one of those people where i like being in my own home. you can visit all you want.. but home time is home time. if you dont live there... we can always visit tomorrow..


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

cory275 said:


> im one of those people where i like being in my own home. you can visit all you want.. but home time is home time. if you dont live there... we can always visit tomorrow..


I guess what my point would be I realize you might like your home. But if I have made it clear that it would mean a lot to me to stay over like say two times in an entire year, would you now make the effort?

Or would you not make the effort AND remind me I dont make an effort to drive standard?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I wouldn't want to stay over either... I love my bed and my pillow. 

I live 1 hour from my parents too. Why is it such a big deal to them/you for you to stay?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Those two issues are not directly related, and you can respond by saying, "When we settle this issue, we can talk about things you want to bring up, but right now, I'd like to focus on this topic." 

However, I think your husband's really saying, "You're ignoring something important to me, which makes me justified in ignoring things that are important to you." It's a bad attitude to have because it harms relationships, but you can't change his attitude. You can only change yours. Is this something that really *is* important to him or is it a way for him to maintain power in arguments but otherwise meaningless to him? 

As far as his decision not to stay with your parents - you sound more accepting that they want to sleep in their own beds, and less accepting of him feeling the same way. Is there a reason for you to be understanding of them but not him?


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I think he is saying "if you wanna go and stay at their house, fine, just don't expect me to drive you" .... simple.


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## resetbuttonpushed (May 13, 2012)

I think the issue here is compromise. That is what your spouse is saying in their rebut. You are not willing to compromise and learn to drive his type of car, he is not willing to stay over at your parents. Probably the only example he could think of in which there was no compromise. (just my opinion)


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

When my STBXH and I used to try to work out a compromise, it always ended up with what we called "the standoff"-each of us not budging because the other had not compromised on a past disagreement. We never got past it. I believe we never got past it because neither of us was as concerned about the other as we were ourselves (no room for compromise).

I can see where it's hurtful to you that he wouldn't do you the favor of allowing you to make your parents happy. You're NOT crazy to think he could give a little on this issue--once or twice a year is not going to kill him.

Learn to strive the stick shift and THEN ask him to stay over at your parents... this way YOU'VE done "your" requirement and it's time for him to do his.

Good luck.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why don't you stay over at their house without him? Why is it a huge deal? Go visit for the weekend, and let him have some guy time. Make it a win-win situation. He can even go for a few hours and leave you there.... kind of "put in an appearance".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If my wife couldn't drive a standard shift, why would I still be driving one 10 years after marriage if it was important to me that she be able to drive "my" car? Presumably, the OP drives and would have to drive an automatic transmission vehicle. If "her" vehicle is incapable of making a 1 hour drive, why would her husband feel comfortable letting her drive it to the local store? If sleeping at grandma's once or twice a year would endear me to my wife and her folks, why would I refuse? Is granny's house haunted? I've slept in foxholes and just on the bare earth, awakened by occasional sniper fire. I've slept in barracks with 40 snoring soldiers. I've even slept on the tailboard of a moving fire engine. Camping at granny's would be too much to ask?


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> Why don't you stay over at their house without him? Why is it a huge deal? Go visit for the weekend, and let him have some guy time. Make it a win-win situation. He can even go for a few hours and leave you there.... kind of "put in an appearance".


I think maybe some are missing my point.

But to be clear. I have gone and stayed at my parents on my own. That is not the issue.

The issue is that my parents enjoy when we stay longer and specifically stay overnight. I cant explain why, but they have mentioned it numerous times.

I therefore would like us both to stay over. Lets say twice a year. That is really not any type of committment whatsoever! To me, as my partner, you would respect the fact it means a lot to me and stay over twice. I am not asking you to rob a convenience store.

So my second problem arises when you say no, but your reply is based on the fact I haven't tried hard enough to drive a standard. You would like me to know how to drive one, so when the three times in a year the car needs to be moved I can go and move it.

I have tried several times to learn standard and have not been successful.

To me, this has nothing to do with staying over at my parents. It is a SEPARATE issue. I feel it is kind of a cop out if your response to saying no to staying over at my parents is based partly on the fact I don't make enough effort to learn standard.

To me, again only my opinion, if this is how we deal with o/s issues going fwd we will be seeking a divorce in a matter of time. It seems just very weird to me. BUt again, I could be the crazy one


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

My first thought when I read your post was "what?!" I couldn't figure out what your driving a standard transmission had to do with spending the night at your parents. 

Took me awhile but I guess I figured out that he equates YOUR effort at trying to drive a standard at HIS effort to spend the night at your parents. Personally, I don't like spending the night at my husband's father's house (although I do). It is NOT comfortable for me. So (and I'm assuming here), I guess it's an effort on your husband's part to spend the night there, for whatever reason. So he links the two.

But really, it's a stretch. He should make the effort because it's important to you.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I think what your parents probably want is more time to bond with you and your husband which can be extended if you guys stay over once in a while. I think that should be an acceptable compromise if there is nothing problematic. For example, I wouldn't want to stay at my in-laws place overnight if I don't get along with them, or if they have insulted or fought with me. I can sacrifice sleeping on my own bed once in a while if it means so much for my spouse if there are no issues. 

If no issues between your husband and parents, do you think your husband is an strong introvert? Does he have friends etc? That could be another reason.. Does he sleep over at anyones place at all (his parents, siblings, friends etc) or does he have a general policy.

If none of the above, Ask your parents to formally invite you and your husband for a weekend... say, their anniversary weekend or something. Do they speak with your husband directly? If yes, suggest to them to pick a specific weekend (so that it is not a general invitation) and let them talk to your husband and invite both of you to spend some family time. If there are some good places around you can all go visit, watch movies, cook dinner etc. 

By doing this, you will not be the middle person (tomato in a sandwich) Also a direct communication between your husband and parents might make him feel 'why not?' If he is the kind that craves for respect ... it might make him feel respected... and once you stayover one time, he might feel its not that bad and things could change in a good way. 

One thing I would say.. do not nag him or fight with him to do this. By doing this 'staying over at your parents' will only become a 'sensitive topic' between you and your husband and he can get defensive about it.

EDITED: Sorry, I assumed that OP is a "wife" when in fact he is a "husband" with a wife. Thanks River1977, for pointing that out. I checked out few of OP's posts and sounds like its quite complicated and lot going on....


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

This is sounds like a simple case of respecting what is important to your other half, and if you simply refuse to do so, I believe that is completely out of order.

If staying at your parents house for just a night out of both your lives is important to them, then he should do it. I don't enjoy leaving my bed for the night, but I enjoy going to sleep at night knowing I have done something that means a lot to my husband and the people that love us, and vice versa. It has nothing to do with driving, it has everything to do with mutual respect for each others loved ones.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I would make the effort to stay with your parents occasionally because you have stated it's important to you. What your asking is not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't however make the marriage about me by denying something to my spouse that they have stated is important to them.


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

I believe if you marry someone, take those vows, you should be prepared to walk across hot coals to nothing but a s*** shower at the end. Why, staying with your parents for then night, in light of that, is so difficult is beyond me.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Why he doesn't want to stay overnight at your parents' house is beyond me, too. Perhaps there is something you are not telling us, or maybe there's something your spouse is not telling you - something that has to do with their reason for not wanting to stay other than just being obstinent and without reason refusing to grant your request. That might be the reason your spouse brings up the car-driving issue as it is the only thing they have to fall back on and hold over you. It's pretty lame, quite frankly, and it is also very petty. What your spouse is saying is, "You won't do that for me, so I won't do this for you." A ridiculous tit-for-tat scenario because like you said, it doesn't hold the same weight. Moreover, it's a dangerous way to conduct a marriage or any relationship. 

Something else that is very petty is your spouse's reason that they like their own bed and the response(s) you received from any members who agree with your spouse. That one doesn't hold weight either when you consider that no how much people like their own bed, people ABSOLUTELY DO sleep in a different bed on occasion and are more than happy to do so, such as when on vacation. None but an agoraphobic would refuse a few days (or week or so) trip to Disney World, abroad to visit other countries, or other vacation sites with the excuse that they like their own pillow.

On an off-topic issue: I wonder why you took such pains to avoid any gender assignment. Did you suspect responses might be different if we knew who of you is the wife and which is the husband? Are you same-sex couple and don't want people to know? It made reading rather difficult to understand exactly who "they" was supposed to be when you first wrote it. It kind of came together at the end when you wrote "they" or "them" again and it became easier to know who you were referring to exactly. But until then, I was confused as to what your parents (they) liking their own bed has to do with you and your spouse sleeping at their (your parents') house. My mind went everywhere from wondering if your parents' solution was to sleep at your house, or if they had to sleep on the sofa (being hospitable) when you and spouse sleep at their house. Additionally, I could tell by one or two of the responses you received that other people remained confused as to who "they" and "them" were supposed to be. Lastly, it made responding to you difficult also, as I don't speak or write like that to refer to one person as "they" or "them." So what gives? What was the reason you hid the genders?


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

Mephisto said:


> I think he is saying "if you wanna go and stay at their house, fine, just don't expect me to drive you" .... simple.


:iagree:
That's what i am going to say.....But I don't think she is crazy......


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## LostMarriedLady (May 15, 2012)

My advice, learn to drive that stick shift. You can do it, at this point for you and not him. Then pack your bags and go stay at your parents alone have a ball


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

Yes this is just a small example of issues I have o/s. But it really does summarize my overall feelings at this point. To that extent, it makes no sense to me in my spouse's response. And it seems so far that most have agreed. I wasn't sure what others would think.

As to gender issues, I am sorry for my post confusion. I am a private person, and I tried to keep gender out of this. THere was no hidden agenda.

To me personally, it just seems odd that your #1 supporter won't do something as simple, in my mind, as staying over at my parents twice in a year. This has nothing to do with driving a standard! That is another issue. I am asking you to stay over at my parents twice in a year to make them happy, and me happy. You have refused for 10 years. 

My spouse always thinks I am looking for perfection in a relationship. Maybe I am. But at least we can try for the best we can be. Meet each others needs the best we can. But when that mutual respect and effort erodes, well there is no where left to go but the big D.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

If there is no where to go but the big D, as you say, then this cannot possibly be the only issue. You are describing the tip of the iceberg with this example.

You feel that your relationship is no longer based on two people trying like mad to please each other, the sine qua non of a happy marriage. 

Divorce is a very big deal. How about trying some alternatives first, like MC? or IC? Find out what the scorekeeping and holding out are really all about. 


A marriage provides an amazing platform for profound healing if you allow it to. Or you can walk away with misunderstanding and hurt and blame, never having taken advantage of what's possible when two people who love each other find ways to hurt each other to the core. Try sticking around and finding out why that is. Why you chose that person to learn this lesson with. Get your money's worth out of this situation before you cash everything in. 

Married people are uniquely equipped to poke each other right in their old wounds. Seems like the closer we get, the more likely that is to happen. You can stick around and figure it out or give up and move on. 

I guess it depends on what's at stake. Your call.


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

LostMarriedLady said:


> My advice, learn to drive that stick shift. You can do it, at this point for you and not him. Then pack your bags and go stay at your parents alone have a ball


I have also mentioned that to my spouse. If I learn to drive a standard, would you then stay over at my parents two nights in a year. The answer was no.

I agree with the posters who say this is about doing something for your spouse because it means something to them. And I am asking in my mind, not much. I am not asking them to cut off their hand. Two nights maybe , in a year, lets stay over because it means a lot to my parents. As someone else mentioned, just a different "visit" to bond and for whatever reason it is something my parents wish we did. So it means a lot to me then. But my spouse will not do it. Hmm...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If my spouse wanted to stay with family... who live locally.... I'd say "Sure Honey, go right ahead...have a good time!!!" And make other plans for myself. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other, or that I hate their family...or that I am refusing a simple request out of control or spite or something. 

Many people just don't do "sleep overs" after they grow up. Go visit your parents withOUT him. They'll get over it. It's not that big of a deal. Quit talking to him about it. Don't hover over your phone while you are gone.... simply enjoy the time with your parents. And don't punish him when you get back. MAYBE he will miss you and it could start a whole new dialogue.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why are you in the middle? You don't belong there. This is between your parents and your spouse. 

The car has nothing to do with anything. Other than some kind of deflection or an accusation of inflexibility.

But maybe it's that a car is kind of personal space, and you not wanting to take over spouse's personal space in their car is akin somehow to them not wanting to be in your personal space at your parent's house. People are somewhat territorial about cars, and sharing a car might be an intimate thing to your spouse, same as sharing parent's home overnight is an intimate thing.

You can never figure out what is intimate and personal to someone until you experience how they dig their heels in about it. Sharing it or making it intensely personal.

Go ahead and learn to drive a standard. It's not rocket science, and then be cheerful about your flexibility and also about your spouse's inflexibility. Some people get creeped out sleeping with their partner when their partner's parents are around, especially if they are maybe either very shy or highly sexed or both...being in pj's in the kitchen having coffee in the morning is not their thing. It's just too much for them. Maybe if you all went camping or on vacation together, like cottages next door...you could ease into the family thing.

My son stays with his girlfriend's family on school breaks. I think it's good he is part of their family already. A lot of in-law problems for him will be solved later on, because at his age he is young enough to be influenced by his girlfriend's parents. <3 It's hard to become attached to people after a certain age.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with SunnyT on this one. If I were to ask H if we could stay the night at my parent's house, I can imagine that he would be absolutely opposed to it unless there was a specific reason for it. There are many reasons for that I don't think that it's because he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't love me or something of that nature. I guess it just seems odd to stay at my parent's house unless there is a reason for it but I live close enough that I can drive home without an issue.

I think if you want to stay the night, then stay. Don't get upset at him because he doesn't want to stay with you. Does he seem willing to budge on other things or is this a trend in your relationship?


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

No, you are far from crazy  he is using this as an excuse.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

If it is important to you, I don't see why your husband doesn't just accomodate your request. I mean come on, he can't sleep one or two nights a year in another house to make you happy?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Why the He!! should your husband have to stay over when your parents live just an hour away?!!! You are crazy. What are you, 13? This seems quite weird. What are you wanting, hot chocolate and a bedtime story?

None-the-less, If this is really important to you to stay over, you should negotiate with your husband and come up with a win-win com[promise. But, as you can tell, I personally don't think this makes sense at all.


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## DoctorWho (May 31, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I think what your parents probably want is more time to bond with you and your husband which can be extended if you guys stay over once in a while. I think that should be an acceptable compromise if there is nothing problematic. For example, I wouldn't want to stay at my in-laws place overnight if I don't get along with them, or if they have insulted or fought with me. I can sacrifice sleeping on my own bed once in a while if it means so much for my spouse if there are no issues.
> 
> If no issues between your husband and parents, do you think your husband is an strong introvert? Does he have friends etc? That could be another reason.. Does he sleep over at anyones place at all (his parents, siblings, friends etc) or does he have a general policy.
> 
> ...



I think this is a really good idea. 
I also agree with "Unbelievable"'s post. 

I have a hard time accepting people's anti-social quirks because they're often so illogical. Either illogical quirks, or illogical arguments used to defend their position (such as, in your husband's case, what car you drive). 

I feel for you, I really do. 

Happy families, marriages, relationships, should not come with such mountains made of molehills. He's a twit!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think your husband is saying that your refusal to do what you wants you to do... which apparently means a lot to him is equivalent to his refusal to stay at your mom's.

Could you take a bus, or some other transportation up to visit your parents and spend the night. Then your husband can come up the next day to visit. Then he can drive the both of you home on the second day.

IMHO, he could compromise and stay there once or twice a year. It's about bonding with your parents.

Does he ever travel and stay in hotels?


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

youngstown said:


> Yes this is just a small example of issues I have o/s. But it really does summarize my overall feelings at this point. To that extent, it makes no sense to me in my spouse's response. And it seems so far that most have agreed. I wasn't sure what others would think.
> 
> As to gender issues, I am sorry for my post confusion. I am a private person, and I tried to keep gender out of this. THere was no hidden agenda.
> 
> ...


I have had to reread the OP and many of your posts multiple times to wrap my head around it. To me, that indicates something is off here. 

You've come to this platform looking for a sanity check. Or maybe to simply hear what you want to hear. Either way, you are withholding a lot of pertinent information. That's a sign of something. 

I bring this up because I think that's germane to the answer to your question. "Are you crazy?" No, it doesn't seem like it. Nor do I think that's really a fair question to ask. But per your conflict with your "spouse," it's entirely dependent on a number of factors:

-how much do your parents want this?
-why do they want this? If it isn't healthy, it's necessarily good to enable it. 
-how much do you want it for them based on how much they want it?
-All of that must be weighed against how much your "spouse" DOESN'T want it! 

If it's a really big deal for him, why not respect that? If there are other issues beneath the surface here -- which I suspect there are based on how clandestine you are -- address those and not some trivial bit about a yearly sleepover. 

Good luck.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

youngstown said:


> So lots of issues o/s with my relationship, but this is one example that I really would appreciate your comments on. Trying to fiure out if I am out to lunch or not.
> 
> Have been married 10 years. My parents live one hour away from us. It means a lot to them to have us visit and stay overnight now and then. Therefore it means a lot to me.
> 
> ...



Your not crazy. If this brothers you, you should try to discuss it non-emotionally and make both him and yourself stay on topic. Keep it concrete and do not let it devolve into a conversation about your relationship as a whole, principals, logic, or any other non sense. Just talk about the issue with your parents


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## swimmingaggie (Jun 1, 2012)

Learn to drive a standard. It'll take a weeks tops. Then you both get what you want. Done and done


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