# Cheating husband hating the 180...its working! Your thoughts and results ???



## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

The 180 is serving me well and producing the results in rebuilding myself and detaching. If anyone is following the thread “other woman comes to home to confront…” that’s me. I wanted to reach out to others who did or are doing the 180 and see if you got response from the ws that they want to end marriage because they are not getting their way… did they accuse you of cheating? What were their responses to your “new attitude” ?

As for my situation, as others have stated in that tread-I don’t think he ever really broke it off with ow. Even now after a month after that debacle he shows no remorse and continues to blameshift. He was issued a company cell phone about a week after the confrontation and I assume he is using that to maintain contact as his attitude towards the affair hasn’t changed. The thing is now he acknowledges and apologized but thinks he has done his part and that’s that…Obviously I don’t agree and have not changed stance so refuse to be a wife to him.

He is more defiant than ever. On the last visit home, (which I did not sanction but cannot control as he is co owner ) he didn’t come home the first day and I know he didn’t pay for a hotel. I asked why didn’t he just stay where he was, he denies being in town. ( he doesn’t remember I have the find iphone app on his phone). Anyway I haven’t unpaused the marriage since my suspicions of the affair began right at 3 months ago today. 

So I have been pretty much ignoring his calls and text only discussing finances and maybe responding as I see fit which may be every so many days and are not addressing the marriage. I have taken on new activities and become very secretive about my whereabouts as I am just focusing on me and whats next. He Is now accusing me of seeing someone and that what I am doing isn’t right. GTFOH. More manipulation.

I haven’t dignified his concerns with a response. His latest text to me is that he has done everything he could and he is not going to chase me, beg, or play games that HE is done doesn’t want to hear from me again and to “have a good life” To all of that I say “MAKE MY F-ING DAY”. I just find it all of that ironic given that HE is the one who cheated… 

The strategy was to keep the marriage paused and continuing having him pay into major household bills since he is making more money now and hasn’t pulled the plug ( at least until I get a larger nest egg). I am forcing him out of limbo to either D or does what is needed for R. This is still inforce as he always makes threats and doesn’t follow through.

He is off the later part of this week if he doesn’t come home, I’ll know he might be getting close to the end, If he does, more of the same is to be expected. As long as he keep paying, its not over until I’m good and ready financially as I am pretty much done emotionally. I guess I am trying to use a user- Crazy I know… Your thoughts?


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Good job but keep detaching. Remember that the 180 isn't for HIM or to get him back but for you to feel stronger, help heal and find yourself again.

I kicked WS out one day after DDay and started the 180. After 11 DAYS, he wanted to come back. It was tough titties for him because he wasn't ready and I knew it and he was also being manipulative like your H. It was actually 11 MONTHS before he truly got "it" and started singing the right tune. 

Your husband is only beginning to feel a sense of what he is losing but it's not enough for him to come home. He isn't yet remorseful and his manipulation is very telling. He is used to you being there for him but instead of seeing himself as the cause of why you are not, he is projecting his bullpucks on you. Don't buy into it. Keep at what you're doing. Unless he starts doing what a remorseful, reforming wayward should, you need to keep moving on. 

Stay strong, good job so far.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The 180 is for you. It is to help you detach. Results will always vary, but it is to help you get to a place where you are fine and confident with yourself.

It is the best way to straighten a fool who has gone to the dark side, but you have to make sure that is what you want.

You are doing very well and I am happy you are being strong. You will have ups and downs, progress and regressions but stay the course. You will find that the strength coming from you now will serve you well in your path in the future.

I am very sorry you are here. God bless.


----------



## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> Good job but keep detaching. Remember that the 180 isn't for HIM or to get him back but for you to feel stronger, help heal and find yourself again.
> 
> I kicked WS out one day after DDay and started the 180. After 11 DAYS, he wanted to come back. It was tough titties for him because he wasn't ready and I knew it and he was also being manipulative like your H. It was actually 11 MONTHS before he truly got "it" and started singing the right tune.
> 
> ...


I understand the 180 application and have been applying it in some form (though unknowingly) to some degree since suspicion the affair began. I see no reason that the side effects of it cant translate to something beneficial as well. 

I have no reason to give up on the 180 as I am feeling so much more confident, stronger, and looking better than ever per friends and coworkers. Its almost like I needed a catalyst to improve myself to the next level, though I rather it had been something else. 

11 months?? did you see other people in the meanwhile and have you reconciled? I cant be sure how long I will be willing to remain as it really depends if he files or stops contributing to household. Once he does that, its my que to exit. However if he keep paying... no rush for me even if he doesn't show remorse because I am not giving in anyway.. nothing lost





MovingAhead said:


> The 180 is for you. It is to help you detach. Results will always vary, but it is to help you get to a place where you are fine and confident with yourself.
> 
> It is the best way to straighten a fool who has gone to the dark side, but you have to make sure that is what you want.
> 
> ...


Yes indeed. I am a lot better than I was when I first posted here. Between the ic, yoga and getting out more, I haven't felt this good in a long long time. Now instead of holding out hope that H will come to senses and do what is needed for R, kinda making me lean more towards D which was definitely not the case several months ago.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Like MovingAhead said, you will have ups and downs. So don’t think that you failed if you have a weak moment or a bad day. They will come but you will get through them and you can truly relish in the good days and your newfound strength.

I forgot to talk about the results earlier. So here are some of my results of the 180:

I stopped being afraid to stand up for myself to WS but also his family. They didn’t matter as much as before. I wasn’t afraid to lose them. As a result, my boundaries got a hell of a lot stronger, my deal-breakers more defined and I changed the rules for how I would be treated or spoken to. 

I became more self-sufficient and self-reliant. All of those things I depended on WS to do before: checking the bumps in the night, the household repairs, even just having another parent in the house. I did it all; I had to and am stronger for it.

My level of “give a fvck” for what other people think of me went WAY DOWN. I am more of my authentic self and don’t stifle myself out of worrying about how I’ll be perceived. This gravitates to all areas of my life: whether it’s just being silly with my kids out in public, singing loudly in the shower, what I want to do in bed, expressing my opinion in a public forum or on Facebook in front of judgmental relatives, I don’t care and man it feels good to be less inhibited. 

I made new friends that were strangers to my relationship. I “lost”, (more like threw away), anyone who was toxic, unhealthy, negative, enabling of WS’s cheating, et al. Everyone I let in my circle, genuinely likes me for me and is a positive force in my life. 

I became more attractive to myself and also to other people. I gave myself a make-over on the outside and inside. I’m not perfect but I’m beautiful and sexy, and smart and charming and... 

I became more confident in myself as a person and a mother. Having to raise two kids (one was a newborn at the time) by yourself is hard but I did it. My kids survived and thrived and I know I’ve got this mom stuff down pat. I don’t second-guess myself when making choices about my kids.

I trust myself a lot more. Whatever you call it, my instincts, intuition, my “gut” is pretty accurate. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. So I listen to myself.

My eyes were opened to all of the bullsh!t I had bought into from my WS – and not just cheating, his manipulative and passive aggressive ways. He could no longer control me or manipulate me into doing things. I was also/am also not afraid to confront him on it when I see it and call a spade a spade. Whereas I used to turn the other cheek, let things go, stay quiet and just take it.

I validate myself more – my feelings, my needs etc. ARE just as important as his and his neglect is not okay and I shouldn’t put up with it.

I raised the bar for how I should be treated. I used to ignore it when other men would flirt with me or check me out. I didn’t become an attention wh0re but I take notice now. I also dated someone briefly while we were separated who showed me how a gentlemen treats a woman of worth. Not only do I know that he is replaceable but I know that how he treated me in the past was not what I deserved or could get from someone else.

It was after I resolved myself to accept that our relationship was over, and started feeling happy again, started feeling confident and attractive, and raised my standards that WS started realizing that I wasn’t an option but a priority. It is true what they say that to love someone or be loved you need to love yourself first. I thought that I did before but now I know that I do. WS knows that he can be replaced by me as he thought he wanted to do with me. At this point, it is him that wants our relationship more than I do. I don’t NEED him and he has stepped up his game and so far is passing the sh!t tests that I have given him and if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be here.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

arandomlady said:


> 11 months?? did you see other people in the meanwhile and have you reconciled? I cant be sure how long I will be willing to remain as it really depends if he files or stops contributing to household. Once he does that, its my que to exit. However if he keep paying... no rush for me even if he doesn't show remorse because I am not giving in anyway.. nothing lost.


I just answered this but yes. My WS and I aren't legally married so our separation was a "divorce". I wasn't planning on it but I dated someone else and was pursued by two others. We weren't serious and never had sex. He was a strict Christian, I am more of an agnostic... it never would have worked lol. 

Still, it was helpful to pick my confidence off of the floor - though I'm not suggesting you use someone to do that. Ours was an interesting relationship as he was fresh out of a divorce to his WW! So we leaned on each other. Having someone that was honest, faithful, bought me flowers every week, gave me his jacket, opened his doors and relished in my kids did help me to see just how neglected I had been treated by WS and also that a single mom of two that has been thrown away as junk by one man can be treasured by another. We helped each other as we were both polar opposites - not only of each other but of our ex spouses.


----------



## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I just answered this but yes. My WS and I aren't legally married so our separation was a "divorce". I wasn't planning on it but I dated someone else and was pursued by two others. We weren't serious and never had sex. He was a strict Christian, I am more of an agnostic... it never would have worked lol.
> 
> Still, it was helpful to pick my confidence off of the floor - though I'm not suggesting you use someone to do that. Ours was an interesting relationship as he was fresh out of a divorce to his WW! So we leaned on each other. Having someone that was honest, faithful, bought me flowers every week, gave me his jacket, opened his doors and relished in my kids did help me to see just how neglected I had been treated by WS and also that a single mom of two that has been thrown away as junk by one man can be treasured by another. We helped each other as we were both polar opposites - not only of each other but of our ex spouses.



No I didn't get that idea. I am going to be open and honest with anyone that approaches me ( not wearing wedding rings except to work). As a wouldn't want to string anyone along or commit adultery myself. The issue now is that h is cutting off contact with me which leads me to believe he is taking things to the next level with the ow. I don't want to close myself off altogether from forming any bond with any other man though I'm in no hurry. An innocuous friendship is what I would like. I just want to feel normal again and be my own person not just a jilted wife...


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

arandomlady said:


> No I didn't get that idea. I am going to be open and honest with anyone that approaches me ( not wearing wedding rings except to work). As a wouldn't want to string anyone along or commit adultery myself. The issue now is that h is cutting off contact with me which leads me to believe he is taking things to the next level with the ow. I don't want to close myself off altogether from forming any bond with any other man though I'm in no hurry. An innocuous friendship is what I would like. I just want to feel normal again and be my own person not just a jilted wife...


I think only time and working towards healing will help you feel normal again. If your husband wants to go and be with his pond scum; let him but don't waste your life hoping he'll come back.

I know what you mean about wanting an innocuous friendship but it's still very hard to come by in real life. For me and my friend, it was innocuous only because he and I were in the same places emotionally. We both weren't looking for a relationship and never really had one. We dated casually like two kids in high school. It wasn't serious and there wasn't sex. Our hearts and baggage was still entrenched into the past and we knew that because it's something we both talked a lot about. If one of us wanted more from the other, one of us would have ended up feeling very hurt and used by the other but that didn't happen here.

It helped us both to detach from our mates and to see that we were both desirable, interesting, charming et al. to the opposite sex. Still, it didn't help me feel like myself again. My friendships with women and doing more things with my kids and advancing other areas of my life with the 180 actually helped me more to do that than this one friendship did.


----------

