# Wife changed



## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless. 

Thoughts?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

god now Mike I would get out of there , no point in wasting your time on someone that is that far gone


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Easy - RUN!

Her "church" and "I make more $$ than you" being used to cajole you into morphing what she thinks you should be?
For the love of Pete - why are taking this abuse?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thoughts are to end this awful relationship.

Wht is it even a question?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This is your third thread on the same topic. You also seem to have found the solution to not only slow down aging but to turn back the clock. 



Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise.





Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> Thoughts?


She sounds awful, how do you respond when she treats you like this. I personally would make it very clearly known I will not tolerate that kind of treatment and disrespect. I would simply explain to her there is no reality where that is going to be acceptable anymore and if she cannot treat you with respect and love then the marriage will come to an abrupt end. 

It sounds like she has no respect for you so I'm guessing you are fairly passive. There are folks here who will hopefully chime in with some good books on how not to be a doormat. 

I wish you luck, right now it doesn't sound hopeful.


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> This is your third thread on the same topic. You also seem to have found the solution to not only slow down aging but to turn back the clock.


Sorry, that was a misprint on my end. Yes, I am 35. Sorry for asking again....not sure why I am asking again in all honesty


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> She sounds awful, how do you respond when she treats you like this. I personally would make it very clearly known I will not tolerate that kind of treatment and disrespect. I would simply explain to her there is no reality where that is going to be acceptable anymore and if she cannot treat you with respect and love then the marriage will come to an abrupt end.
> 
> It sounds like she has no respect for you so I'm guessing you are fairly passive. There are folks here who will hopefully chime in with some good books on how not to be a doormat.
> 
> I wish you luck, right now it doesn't sound hopeful.


I appreciate your time and effort in responding. It's really rough but I try to explain diligently but she screams or just blames you for things in life. It's really a handful...I feel less confident than ever.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Stories of deception are common in church communities.

It must be someone who changes your wife's minds and humiliates you, check her phone.

you are probably cheating

she will find many excuses to distance herself from guilt.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> Thoughts?


Sounds to me like you need to find where you left your man parts and reconnect them. Get off your knees and start leading your marriage. Your wife is free to leave if she doesn't like it. But she’s guaranteed to leave if you don't. She has no respect for you at all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> Thoughts?


She sounds controlling and abusive.. you maybe need to try marriage counseling to make her aware of this and see if there's anything she's willing to work on but I can't recommend anyone staying with someone who's very controlling or abusive.


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

bygone said:


> Stories of deception are common in church communities.
> 
> It must be someone who changes your wife's minds and humiliates you, check her phone.
> 
> ...


No, I am not cheating although many men in my position would be but I am not.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i have heard be told that some people marry under false pretenses but this is truly unusual , for her to move in what i consider 180 degree change tells me that moving back near her parents has changed her back to who she was...it was if she was living a rumspringa lifestyle in new york and now becoming amish again....obviously not exactly like it but similar in nature....understand this brother, if you stay with her there you will not change her and so i recoomend that you leave her....once you have a kid with her you will never leave her. You have been warned


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> No, I am not cheating although many men in my position would be but I am not.


your wife will want to think like this,

the next line explains


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway. "John Wayne"
A man has got to know his limitations. "Dirty Harry"

So - since you have "Irish" in your name - I am wondering where the "Fighting" part of Fighting Irish is with respect to your psyche.

Courage to speak up knowing life can turn for worse but you keep riding and change the trail you are on until it starts leading you where you want to be.

The limitations I perceive is your unwillingness to make the choice to pursue change.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I know the term gets thrown around a lot, but your wife has all the traits of a narcissist. Get out while you can.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> Thoughts?


Simple advice…….Divorce. She is evil.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Your three step process.

1. Study up on and implement the 180.
2. Get your affairs sorted
3. File! File! File!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I don't know why you would but if you want to try to save this marriage, try going to the pastor of her Church by yourself. Talk to that person about her beliefs & how she's treating you. I can't say you will get Halloween back but you should be able to do theater again & in a fundamentalist religion the pastor will probably be appalled that your wife is not accepting you as the head of the household. When you talk to this pastor ask Qs like: 

Can you explain the Church's views on marriage to me? 

How does the Church feel about Halloween / Christmas / the theater? 

Use your initially meetings with the pastor to learn. If you have to pretend you are a method actor trying to get into character as a member of this cult, I mean church. 

Do not discuss your wife. No specifics. Just gather info 

Use that info to decide what to do next. I suspect divorce may be your only option. Whatever you do, do NOT have kids with her.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out of it.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Just curious, is this church Jehovas witness ? 🤔


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

That’s awful she makes you feel like that, whether it is intentional or not. Do you have children together? 
If not, it might be worth considering what’s best for you before you aren’t able to. 
Go and do your theatre, have fun and meet someone who loves you for you.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 32 yr old man who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionate. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid. She makes more money and reminds me often. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> Thoughts?


Sorry, but I`m going to be blunt.
We get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and you really need to grow a pair and stand up to your wife otherwise the bullying will get worse.
Think about it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Why even bother asking since it's obvious that you won't do a thing. You would need to grow a pair in order to do anything .


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sounds to me like you need to find where you left your man parts and reconnect them. Get off your knees and start leading your marriage. Your wife is free to leave if she doesn't like it. But she’s guaranteed to leave if you don't. She has no respect for you at all.


He is correct. For respect you have to man up and require it. Libers will balk at my comment, but you do need to retake your marriage and lead. I am liberal sexually and in marriage, but if my husband is not a man’s man (no matter what), I’d run all over him and lose respect for him.



gameopoly5 said:


> Sorry, but I`m going to be blunt.
> We get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and you really need to grow a pair and stand up to your wife otherwise the bullying will get worse.
> Think about it.


He is 100% correct as stated above.



Rob_1 said:


> Why even bother asking since it's obvious that you won't do a thing. You would need to grow a pair in order to do anything .


No doubt.

Slap on a football uniform, go out hit some tackling dummies (my husband loves doing that & boxing bag), take a 5 minute healthy invigorating energy shot and tell your wife No More (and a great deal more but you get the jest)! *And yes do all this after you get ALL of your affairs in order.*



Jimi007 said:


> Just curious, is this church Jehovas witness ? 🤔


Wow I am not the only one wondering that.

She has gotten quite the guilty religious bug up her derriere hasn’t she? There is more going on here for certain. I know wonderful people who go to healthy churches and it makes them better people not evil witches. Her church is clearly not healthy or are the people she spends time with.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

curiouswife4 said:


> He is correct. For respect you have to man up and require it. Libers will balk at my comment, but you do need to retake your marriage and lead. I am liberal sexually and in marriage, but if my husband is not a man’s man (no matter what), I’d run all over him and lose respect for him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I only ask if it JW because they don't celebrate Christmas. Halloween ect. I think only birthdays and anniversary.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i thought the same 
I have a kind of friend that is jw or he is just a friend to win me over 
Halloween is a big no no 
Christmas and birthdays are are not a celebrated he will go but it is not a thing for him 
new years eve party he will go to but coming up to midnight he is on his own as that is a other no no 
his wife is not jw , and his two kids 
he tried to twist them over and it is a sore point for him but he now thinks they are dammed 
like the rest of us 


Jimi007 said:


> I only ask if it JW because they don't celebrate Christmas. Halloween ect. I think only birthdays and anniversary.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I wonder what drove her to re-enter the church....do you know? Unfortunately, the church can have a huge influence over some and as you have mentioned in your post the person becomes finaticle and places judgement on others who do not follow them. It is time for a very clear talk on how you feel about this and if this topic separates you both you might have to face letting her go. People cannot see what they do not want to see.


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> I wonder what drove her to re-enter the church....do you know? Unfortunately, the church can have a huge influence over some and as you have mentioned in your post the person becomes finaticle and places judgement on others who do not follow them. It is time for a very clear talk on how you feel about this and if this topic separates you both you might have to face letting her go. People cannot see what they do not want to see.


Thank you for your response. I am in this weird spot.....to answer your question she got into the church during COVID. I feel like we saw a lot of trauma and everyone reacted in different ways and this was hers. I do believe in the benefit of faith however I believe with her the issue was she had no identity prior in reality or not much of a strong one, in retrospect. I am someone whose been solid in my identity for the last several years although I feel like during my marriage my strength is being tested. Her identity prior to the church was a bohemian life she had with me. We were very carefree and I guess the world was in general prior Covid. This is a more extreme example. Now I am left in the lurch.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

There's something at church or at work that keeps her away from you.

you should check your wife's phone

It's not hard to think that she's in a relationship


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just trying to figure out why you keep asking the same question. You have gotten advice from some very different perspectives yet haven’t come to any conclusion.

I wish you the best.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I feel like during my marriage my strength is being tested.


Welcome to life and marriage.....

It makes a lot of women feel better to know they have a strong partner so they test you. Becoming a frightened mute who doesn't express his own opinion means you're failing the test.

If you love her, want to be with her, and want to be able to achieve an erection, correct her. The next time she calls you stupid inquire as to who she thinks she's talking to and discipline her. Pass the test and don't put up with disrespect.

Or you can divorce her and find one of these milquetoast, super nice doormat women who would never say a mean word to you no matter what and be bored the rest of your life. The choice is yours.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> *I am a 32 yr old man* who feels confused and dismayed in my marriage. I was dating my wife for almost 2 years and when we were dating we lived in NYC, we had a very exciting life and I even did theatre, a passion of mine. We then got married and everything changed. *She insisted on going to her family's church which I encouraged at first then that backfired*, she became almost fanatical for the first year and judged me constantly and essentially abused me emotionally. She forbade me to do theatre, celebrate things like Christmas and Halloween, for example. *She goes between being very hurtful by calling me stupid to being affectionat*e. At this point I mostly guarded myself. It's sad because I feel like I can't ever just say what's on my heart as I feel it'll only be somehow judged or taken apart. *She'll just cut me off when I talk or call me stupid.* *She makes more money and reminds me often*. I am in utter shock as to how this happened. She wants to be physical but to be honest I really can't physically function in that regard. I feel sad and confused overall and above all just powerless.
> 
> *Thoughts?*





Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> Sorry, that was a misprint on my end. Yes, I am 35. Sorry for asking again....not sure why I am asking again in all honesty


A few thoughts. First, you can't change your spouse, only they can change themself and then only if they want to. However, you can change the way you will allow yourself to be treated and you can give your spouse positive feedback when they treat you the way you want to be treated.

I would like to suggest you read the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about mean who are raised by strong women and feel that they need to do what women want and are programed to please women (especially their wife). One of the solutions is to become a more integrated man who does things independent from his wife, and develops pride in his accomplishments.

You sound like you are in a horrible situation. If you are willing to change yourself and how you will allow yourself to be treated, things will change. You might end up divorcing your wife, or you might start having a very happy marriage. The trick will be how you handle the way you change yourself.

I would suggest that you work on what Glover calls "Getting a Life" and have some serious discussions with your wife about your being guarded about what you feel you can say, about the feelings you have about being called stupid and not making enough money. She probably does not realize that she is driving you emotionally away from her. You can make her aware of what she is doing to your marriage and you can give her an opportunity to make changes in her behavior. When my marriage was in crisis, I worked on Getting a Life and I showed my wife that change was possible. I like to think that I demonstrated to her that it was possible for a person to change themself for the better.

Good luck to you. You need to figure out if you want to try to save your marriage or just move on. I would urge you to try to save if, if for no other reason than to try to heal yourself, so that if this relationship ends, you will be better prepared to make the next one work.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> I would urge you to try to save if, if for no other reason than to try to heal yourself, so that if this relationship ends, you will be better prepared to make the next one work.


That's an interesting way of expressing it - if the marriage is potentially doomed, OP, why not try a radical change in approach? Nothing to lose and a lot to gain for yourself in terms of self development, either within this marriage or outside of it. There will never a better, safer opportunity for you to try.


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## TomJrzk (3 mo ago)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I appreciate your time and effort in responding. It's really rough but I try to explain diligently but she screams or just blames you for things in life. It's really a handful...I feel less confident than ever.


Try mapping out her periods and see if she's meanest when ovulating? Then maybe you'll know when to expect what.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

gaius said:


> Welcome to life and marriage.....
> 
> It makes a lot of women feel better to know they have a strong partner so they test you. Becoming a frightened mute who doesn't express his own opinion means you're failing the test.
> 
> ...


So all women are either one extreme or the other?

I don't think so. 

There are lots of good women out there who know when to stand up for themselves and also don't treat their husbands like ****.

The test you describe is a **** test...


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Quad73 said:


> That's an interesting way of expressing it - if the marriage is potentially doomed, OP, why not try a radical change in approach? Nothing to lose and a lot to gain for yourself in terms of self development, either within this marriage or outside of it. There will never a better, safer opportunity for you to try.


The one who cares the least has the power.

OP's wife doesn't give a damn about how he might react to her attacks, which is why she has the power currently. OP is on egg shells around her.

OP simply needs to not give a damn about whether or not they stay married. As soon as he has that attitude, she might come around when she realizes he actually may just leave instead of accept her bs (not that I would trust it to stay that way with her... can't imagine what she would be like after having kids).


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you really don’t like this version of your wife - I suggest you divorce her before you two have kids together.


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## Vin0770 (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sorry, but I`m going to be blunt.
> We get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and you really need to grow a pair and stand up to your wife otherwise the bullying will get worse.
> Think about it.


Yup agree..sorry but being blunt too. The first thought I had after reading the post…“The Woosifacation of a man” 😢


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