# Help with wife's virtual emotional affairs



## broken1477 (Jun 4, 2013)

Help.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two children. 

Roughly 9 months ago, I accessed my wife's email to confirm a virtual magazine subscription for her. I was devastated to find that she had been having has been having emotional, graphic, romantic, cybersex relationships with 3-4 different men. I confronted her about it, and she said that she would end them, that she loved me and it was just harmless fun. I disagreed, but I decided to give her another chance.

Yesterday, I came home and found a previously unknown email account belonging to my wife open on our computer. I perused the inbox and sent items and discovered that she has been having more of these virtual relationships, this time with 19 new and different men. This time, I saw pictures exchanged that contained full nudity, lingerie, etc. I was only able to stomach reviewing the last 2 months. I immediately confronted her about it, and she has given me several excuses and explanations that she is not comfortable with aging or her physical appearance, she did this to feel pretty, to feel wanted, to feel sexy, etc.

I must admit, that over the last 2 years, I have not been as physically attentive as I was during the first decade of our union. I have been working 50-60 hour work weeks as the sole supporter our family and I have some body image self-esteem issues of my own. She immediately assured me that it was not my fault, and that she was to blame. 

I don't know how to process the feelings I am experiencing. I feel utterly betrayed. I feel angry, ashamed and inadequate. I feel cornered, like I need to take action. I want to believe that she will cease the relationships, like she says, but this is not the first time it has happened. I have written a draft to the men she has been communicating with. this is what it says:

Hello, gentlemen, my name is xxMyNamexx,

It has come to my attention that my wife, xxHerNamexx, has been exchanging correspondence of a romantic, graphic and/or sexual nature with all of you. While I have absolutely no issues with my wife maintaining platonic relationships with men, certanly you can understand I have a problem with this.

I must admit, that my first instinct was to seek each of you out and retaliate, and indeed, were we not separated geographically and were you not afforded the anonymity of the internet, possibly I would have done just that. As I pondered further, however, I came to the realization that perhaps you all were not aware she was married. Giving each of you the benefit of the doubt, I can only hope that this was the case. Any man who seeks to tear apart a family for the sake of his libido is disgusting.

I am writing this email to you for two simple purposes: 1.) To inform you that xxHerNamexx is married, to me, and has been for 12 years, and 2.) To ascertain the intentions of each of you regarding a continued virtual relationship with my wife, as this will not be acceptable and I will be forced to take action.

If each of you cannot respect the incredible damage that our marriage has suffered or do not care about the impact this has had on me, then I ask you to consider our childeren. I will take all possible measures to ensure my children do not grow up in a broken home. I only ask that each of you do the right thing and cease and desist all contact with my wife. 

I would appreciate a prompt response from each of you so that I may take the necessary steps to ensure the security and longevity of my children and family.

Regards,

xxMyNamexx


Am I a fool for wanting to save our marriage? Is it beyond repair? Should I send this email? She will certainly claim I violated her privacy. Any and all opinions and advice would be considered and appreciated. Has anyone else gone through this?

-Broken


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

broken1477 said:


> Help.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two children.
> 
> ...


This is not your fault!!! She did this. I would move this thread to cwi if I was you. There are a lot of experinced people there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, I personally wouldn't send the email. I would, however, insist my wife get into counseling for possible sex addiction issues or low self-esteem, whichever may be causing her to turn to this. I would insist on installing keyloggers on all the computers she has access to as well. If she is unwilling to do either of those things, I would have to conclude that her desire to continue those behaviors is more important than her desire to save the marriage.


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## broken1477 (Jun 4, 2013)

Thound said:


> This is not your fault!!! She did this. I would move this thread to cwi if I was you. There are a lot of experinced people there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's cwi?


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## broken1477 (Jun 4, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Well, I personally wouldn't send the email. I would, however, insist my wife get into counseling for possible sex addiction issues or low self-esteem, whichever may be causing her to turn to this. I would insist on installing keyloggers on all the computers she has access to as well. If she is unwilling to do either of those things, I would have to conclude that her desire to continue those behaviors is more important than her desire to save the marriage.


I think the majority of the activity takes place on her phone. We currently have no way to pay for counseling. I think we would both be too embarassed to speak to our pastor about this. The situation feels pretty grim.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

broken1477 said:


> What's cwi?


Coping With Infidelity


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## broken1477 (Jun 4, 2013)

TBT said:


> Coping With Infidelity


Thanks, I will.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't send that message. Your problems are with your wife, not these men. They will only laugh at you and she will only find more of them willing to engage her. 

You have been weak and ineffective about this. You will hear what steps to take from the others. You must resolve yourself to be stronger, because these she will fight these steps. The first will be exposure, get prepared. Get the book "Suviving an Affair" by W Harley to start.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

broken1477 said:


> I think the majority of the activity takes place on her phone. We currently have no way to pay for counseling. I think we would both be too embarassed to speak to our pastor about this. The situation feels pretty grim.


I don't know if there are keystroke loggers for phones, but you could cut the data plan off. 

Many cities have sliding fee counselors. This can even cost you nothing if your income is lower. The Catholic and Jewish organizations often offer it (you do not have to practice their faith or get into spirituality in your sessions). Also, government agencies also sometimes have options.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If your wife is serious about stopping, embarrassment wouldn't be an issue. And you can save money for a counselor by switching her to a dumb phone and no data service. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

That letter is terrible.

You should cancel your wife's phone and the internet immediately.

That's just a start.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Brother I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You must be in hell right now and you sound like a good family man. You need to seek out a support system (TAM is a good start) from friends and family. Try to keep the kids isolated from the drama as much as possible but I can tell you from experience the prognosis is grim with that much cheating. 

First you need to step back and talk to family and friends, individual counseling so you don't internalize this and it starts affecting your health and your relantionship with your kids. A buddy of mine was cheated on by his ex and he forgave her on the first offense but he found out there were three other men she has sex with. He was done and divorced her. 

Secondly, because you allowed your wife to stay at home so long and are the sole breadwinner if you decide to divorce her you will face alimony payments and CS. YOU NEED to speak to an attorney regardless of your decision and learn your legal rights for assets and custody. Do not roll over and "take it in the ass" just to make it go away. Fight for your future and your kids!

Finally you need to really take some time and figure this out. Long term can you see yourself loving your wife again and being a couple? Many couples are able to survive an affair while some can't. I personally would have divorced your wife because I found her behavior disgusting and could never touch her again. I sincerly doubt it was only EA given the amount of men. Horny men will cross state lines to get some..believe it!

Finally cancel her phone and regain control of the finances if you haven't done so already. I recommend you personally audit your bank statements for cash withdrawals or other unknown transactions.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

All affiars are like drug addictions... and this situation is way more like a drug addiction than most affairs.

Addictions and illicit behavior thrive on secrecy and people around the addict enabling the behaviour.

You have to be ready to have people close to you and her find out this secret.... You have to be ready to fight hard for your marriage which means you will not be Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should also save copies of your evidence in a place where she cannot find it and destroy it.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

What she is doing seems like an addiction to me so don't be surprised if it doesn't stop or that she refuses help or even recognizes this as a problem. Probably will get sneakier but I don't blame you for wanting to fix your marriage. 

Those excuses she gave you were just that excuses. What she is doing is cheating so I can understand you feeling betrayed because you were. If she was feeling neglected she should of told you instead of running to someone else. That's something I hate about cheaters, its easier to cheat than it is to try to communicate with the one your suppose to love.

Maybe if you could get her to agree to talk to someone or at least you things might improve.

I would keep the evidence.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

She is not going to stop, unless faced with some very serious consequences. You caught her twice, right? now she is getting smarter, using different emails, etc.
Show her you mean business. Pack her stuff and send her to these men. Don't give in too easy. She has to fully understand the seriousness of her actions. She has to be scared of losing you and what she now has but takes for granted.
Do not email those guys. Even if they cease contact with her, she will find others new. It's about her not them.
So sorry you are in this.


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