# Wife co-ordinates costume with coworker



## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Hey all,
My wife and a male coworker coordinated costumes together from the same movie. The rest of her coworkers had different movie characters. No one else coordinated from the same movie. 

I've had suspicions of something going on with my wife but not sure with who. She has very little free time as we have 2 toddlers. Although I work shift work and she would be available on when I'm on nights. She has .5-1hr lunch breaks and he lives close by. 

Should I be worried?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

jay20 said:


> Hey all,
> My wife and a male coworker coordinated costumes together from the same movie. The rest of her coworkers had different movie characters. No one else coordinated from the same movie.
> 
> I've had suspicions of something going on with my wife but not sure with who. She has very little free time as we have 2 toddlers. Although I work shift work and she would be available on when I'm on nights. She has .5-1hr lunch breaks and he lives close by.
> ...


You're here because you already know the answer to that.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

I have never seen a single piece of evidence. She had went out last minute a few times with friends and it seems to check out.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

jay20 said:


> I have never seen a single piece of evidence. She had went out last minute a few times with friends and it seems to check out.


Why is she going out without you? 
Don't you know i huge number of affairs start from girls night out?
Take it from a old man who's been where you are at 25 years ago....Go out together. Have the same friends. 

Checked out how??

"My wife and a male coworker"....famous last words of a broken betrayed husband.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The best results are generally obtained when you keep your suspicions to yourself, act as if nothing is going on while you quietly observe. Make all possible efforts to review the contents of her phone, and if she does use a computer, you will need to see where she has been and what she has been seeing. There are plenty of resources here on the site. There is an investigative technique thread by a poster named Weightlifter. Other posters can give you guidance. Take every piece of advice.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

And by God himself do not ASK HER if she has something going on with him. Don’t foil your investigation before it starts.


I’ve got $20 that says he is going to ask her. Any takers ?????


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t think you have anything to worry about. People who hide things don’t want anyone to find out. Because she is doing it out in the open I’m sure it’s harmless.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

She sent me pics of their work photos. One of just them 2 together. Would she be that bold. Or harmless friends at work?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

People hide things in the beginning, later on tend to flaunt it in public more often.
Some cheaters don't really care who knows. 
Because she's doing it out in the open might very well be hidden in plain sight.
There's nothing harmless about a wife that harms her husband enough for him to seek out answers here.

Listen to Taxman. He's right also.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think you have anything to worry about. People who hide things don’t want anyone to find out. Because she is doing it out in the open I’m sure it’s harmless.


Yeah, you would think that this is reasonable... But no... 

She, he, thinks that they are so cool, so discreet that they can have fun coordinating costumes and "No one" will be the wiser... 

Except like teenagers, they are stupid at this point and of course in Lurve....

So like tax man said, check out the standard evidence post. You should start by checking your phone bill and see who she is calling all the time, and texting. You should def plant a VAR where she talks on the phone the most and in her car (Voice Activated Recorder). 

She could be screwing around. Is she protective of her cell phone? Keep it with her all the time?


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Definitely listening to the advise here. Have looked on computer and emails but reviled nothing. Phone is apple so searching spotlight show text messages too. Still nothing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would say that it’s probably harmless, and that they maybe both just formed some kind of bond because of a favourite TV show they both have. But, I would still keep my eyes open for anything weird of suspicious. Oh, and keep your mouth shut for now; just observe.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Her phone is usually pretty tight to her but will leave it around for briefly. She doesn't get to concerned I look though it. Never leaves it alone too long.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Ursula. Doubt it's a favorite show. It's a kids movie and he doesn't have kids.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

This year they are wearing costumes for the co-workers. By next year, they will be wearing costumes for each other. This dress up event no one will be invited to. Start digging and stay vigilant.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I shared a pic of just me and a male coworker in our Halloween costumes with my bf.

I can promise everyone that absolutely nothing is going on with this coworker.

It's Halloween.....and bf didn't care. He likes seeing what goes on at my job.

We'd talked about coordinating but didn't get around to it, but he sits by me and not many dressed up.....so we got a picture.

I really hope there's more then just a stupid Halloween picture to send the gallery into affair paranoia.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jay20 said:


> Ursula. Doubt it's a favorite show. It's a kids movie and he doesn't have kids.


Oh. Okay, that one's got me scratching my head. :scratchhead:


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

It may just be my paranoia. The marriage has been rough since we had kids. Sex has dwindled. Could just be because of the kids. Never doubted her before the kids. Around a year after kids she would throw out comments that i was cheating or that i would in a "joking fashion" . Seemed weird but got me suspicious. 2 years later I still wonder. He only started a year ago so that doesn't exactly line up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I shared a pic of just me and a male coworker in our Halloween costumes with my bf.
> 
> I can promise everyone that absolutely nothing is going on with this coworker.
> 
> ...


Nope, ain't gonna happen on TAM! :surprise:

Many feel it is their duty to flip over every rock, looking for clues, some for phishing worms, some, just because they can. :|

Then again, most posters 'want' to hear all the possibilities. :smile2:
..................................................................................................

I agree, the information given so far is rather thin. 

I also know that thin quickly turns to chubby when warm facts and warm blood shows up. :surprise:

TAM facts seem to quickly come out of the woodwork like angry termites. By the second or third page, all early thoughts are normally confirmed.
Past history is a good indicator of any similar future.

.................................................................................................

Check her phone for any numbers called or received that you do not know (about). Run a phone check, pay the few bucks, each.

.................................................................................................


If more red flags pop up.....

Ah, here it comes.....buy a voice activated recorder from Best Buy (Sony Brand). Place it where she normally sits when she is relaxing. 
Expect any activity to occur after the children go to bed.

If she texts and does not talk on the phone, you will have to dig differently.



KB-


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In the early stages of a "work husband" relationship your W knows it is mildly inappropriate, yet she enjoys it. To relieve her guilt she will let you know about it as if that helps to make it acceptable or innocent.

So for now keep your eyes open and your mouth shut, what you do not want is for your W to take it underground, and this is really easy to do at work.

Do they text alot?

Do some research on the OM how often he changes jobs etc, how many times he was married.

It's best if your W thinks you are in the dark.

Classically these types of relationships feed off of compliments or mutual complaints about their spouses, the OM may also be fishing for sympathy from your W talking about his life, because she understands him.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

I am thinking of doing a phone recovery with phonelab but know she will be alerted when i use her appleID. She doen't leave her phone around enough to just run it on it. I could cancel the alert from her computer but not sure if it still goes to the iphone as well.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Is she protective of her phone

Does she dress better

Put on more makeup

Working out


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Oh. Okay, that one's got me scratching my head. :scratchhead:


Her co worker is what is called an Orbiter. Hovering and waiting for an opening.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

I haven't ever seen them text. Spotlight showed maybe 4 conversations for working together over a year. Hasn't switched jobs much. Also engaged.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> Is she protective of her phone
> 
> Does she dress better
> 
> ...


Has worked been on and off working out since we have been together. No to everything else.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jay20 said:


> It may just be my paranoia. The marriage has been rough since we had kids. Sex has dwindled. Could just be because of the kids. Never doubted her before the kids. Around a year after kids *she would throw out comments that i was cheating or that i would in a "joking fashion" *. Seemed weird but got me suspicious. 2 years later I still wonder. He only started a year ago so that doesn't exactly line up.


This IS a Red Flag.

Asking you if you are cheating is called 'projecting', her saying those things that are presently occupying 'her' thoughts.
If she can think cheating, or actually commit adultery, you likely are doing it also, or at minimum contemplating it.

Her comment "I would" says it all. 

It means, I have, or am thinking about it, or have cheated.

Or, it is a poop test to check out your true thoughts and actual/potential loyalty.

If she can get you to admit that "You would, ALSO" cheat is the excuse she needs to actually do it. Or, to get over any guilt she may feel.

The coworker being there only one year is plenty of time to develop into an emotional affair. Hell, two weeks sometimes does it.

No wife or husband should find themselves having less or no sex. That in itself becomes a dark and lonely Red Flag when a hungry, horny spouse lays in bed.



King Brian-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jay20 said:


> I am thinking of doing a phone recovery with phonelab but know she will be alerted when i use her appleID. She doen't leave her phone around enough to just run it on it. I could cancel the alert from her computer but not sure if it still goes to the iphone as well.


Buy an I-Pad and link the two together.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*If she is not cheating* you need to restart the marital intimacy pronto, Tonto. 
Be assertive.




Lilith-


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Jay
Long time client's wife kept making jokes about him screwing around on her. He disliked it and reminded her constantly that jokes contain a modicum of truth. Sooooooo, when the frequency and tenor of the jabs increased, he could tell. It made him vigilant enough to take some liberties with her privacy. Those minor liberties grew into engagement of a PI. He waited patiently for her to make one more jab. That was all it took. She was handed a sheaf of paper. In it was damning evidence. She wanted to know what made him catch on? He blithely told her that her little jabs got under his skin, so he decided that a few thou spent on a PI was a good thing. It sure was. They were recently re-resident in the southern US. He decided to sue her for divorce in their new area. He did it on our recommendation. We had him set up with professionals nearby in the course of one afternoon. It is a slam dunk. Oh, the new state? It is an at fault state. She is NOT getting support, or any of their assets for that matter. She has said that we out-maneuvered her. Oh, sorry, my heart just bleeds.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> This IS a Red Flag.
> 
> Asking you if you are cheating is called 'projecting', her saying those things that are presently occupying 'her' thoughts.
> If she can think cheating, or actually commit adultery, you likely are doing it also, or at minimum contemplating it.
> ...


The "i would" was her thinking and saying that i would stray. Which I have not. Wondered that she might be "projecting"


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Buy an I-Pad and link the two together.


Linked ipads show nothing. Same with macbook.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Taxman said:


> Jay
> Long time client's wife kept making jokes about him screwing around on her. He disliked it and reminded her constantly that jokes contain a modicum of truth. Sooooooo, when the frequency and tenor of the jabs increased, he could tell. It made him vigilant enough to take some liberties with her privacy. Those minor liberties grew into engagement of a PI. He waited patiently for her to make one more jab. That was all it took. She was handed a sheaf of paper. In it was damning evidence. She wanted to know what made him catch on? He blithely told her that her little jabs got under his skin, so he decided that a few thou spent on a PI was a good thing. It sure was. They were recently re-resident in the southern US. He decided to sue her for divorce in their new area. He did it on our recommendation. We had him set up with professionals nearby in the course of one afternoon. It is a slam dunk. Oh, the new state? It is an at fault state. She is NOT getting support, or any of their assets for that matter. She has said that we out-maneuvered her. Oh, sorry, my heart just bleeds.


Liberties with privacy have show nothing. Haven't dug very deep yet. What if a phonelab recovery shows nothing?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Is the OM older or younger than her?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have to agree. Maybe I've missed some critical part of the story, but my threshold for suspicion is much higher than that. Wife and I trust each other, it would take something very blatant to violate that. 






lifeistooshort said:


> I shared a pic of just me and a male coworker in our Halloween costumes with my bf.
> 
> I can promise everyone that absolutely nothing is going on with this coworker.
> 
> ...


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> Is the OM older or younger than her?


Younger by 5-8 years


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I shared a pic of just me and a male coworker in our Halloween costumes with my bf.
> 
> I can promise everyone that absolutely nothing is going on with this coworker.
> 
> ...


Did you coordinate costumes? Not saying it means anything, but unless her coworker is, erm, flamboyant, it seems rather odd to me.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

AandM said:


> Did you coordinate costumes? Not saying it means anything, but unless her coworker is, erm, flamboyant, it seems rather odd to me.


I'm not dressing up. He is straight.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Were the movie characters brother and sister or lovers or what was the fictional relationship?

Your W sounds too young to have lost her sex drive, it had to have gone somewhere.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

AandM said:


> Did you coordinate costumes? Not saying it means anything, but unless her coworker is, erm, flamboyant, it seems rather odd to me.


We talked about in passing and also talked about a possible group theme for a bunch of us.

My company is small and we have fun with holidays.

But we forgot about it, so I suppose it wasn't that important.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

jay20 said:


> The "i would" was her thinking and saying that i would stray. Which I have not. Wondered that she might be "projecting"


It is possible that she is worried that the decline in your sex life will make you stray. She may be tired from caring for your toddlers so her libido is down and she is afraid of how they affect you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think you have anything to worry about. People who hide things don’t want anyone to find out. Because she is doing it out in the open I’m sure it’s harmless.


My W once left a brown unmarked box in the garage which is my space. She figured I would miss it as it was in plain sight. I noticed right way. Hiding in plain sight....don't bet on it.

This ranks up there with "My coworking is gay. No way would he be interested in me".


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

jay20 said:


> It may just be my paranoia. The marriage has been rough since we had kids. Sex has dwindled. Could just be because of the kids. Never doubted her before the kids. Around a year after kids she would throw out comments that i was cheating or that i would in a "joking fashion" . Seemed weird but got me suspicious. 2 years later I still wonder. He only started a year ago so that doesn't exactly line up.


Lots of things to be concerned about. All circumstantial at this point. That time when she was accusing you of cheating could have been because cheating was on her mind. It could have been some guy other than the coworker.

One thing you could do is get a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car to see if it picks up any conversations with him. However, keep in mind there are legal issues around making recordings like that that and you should act appropriately.

But aside from what's going on with the coworker, it sounds like your marriage is pretty strained anyway. That's common with all the complications of life, kids, work, etc. You both get busy and stressed and forget about making the other person feel special. But the consequence is that the marriage gets worse and bad things happen. Even if nothing is happening now, you are well on your way to something similar happening. If you are going to stick this out, you guys need to rebuild your relationship so you are happy and want to stay together.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Great reply. We started counseling on my accord. She was hesitant at first. She says that I'm the problem. It's all in my head. She walks all over me in arguments and I've had enough. She says she is happy but I'm not. How can she be happy if she know's i"m not?





wilson said:


> Lots of things to be concerned about. All circumstantial at this point. That time when she was accusing you of cheating could have been because cheating was on her mind. It could have been some guy other than the coworker.
> 
> One thing you could do is get a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car to see if it picks up any conversations with him. However, keep in mind there are legal issues around making recordings like that that and you should act appropriately.
> 
> But aside from what's going on with the coworker, it sounds like your marriage is pretty strained anyway. That's common with all the complications of life, kids, work, etc. You both get busy and stressed and forget about making the other person feel special. But the consequence is that the marriage gets worse and bad things happen. Even if nothing is happening now, you are well on your way to something similar happening. If you are going to stick this out, you guys need to rebuild your relationship so you are happy and want to stay together.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

She works in a large place. Her department did a group theme with wife and coworker being love interests.



lifeistooshort said:


> We talked about in passing and also talked about a possible group theme for a bunch of us.
> 
> My company is small and we have fun with holidays.
> 
> But we forgot about it, so I suppose it wasn't that important.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

jay20 said:


> I'm not dressing up. He is straight.


I was asking lifeistooshort.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jay20 said:


> She works in a large place. Her department did a group theme with wife and coworker being love interests.


So I'm thinking this is most-likely innocent but also a terribly unprofessional "theme" to promote, and that it's time you explain to your wife why this makes you feel uncomfortable and have the privacy & boundary issues talk. Come clean on the fact that things aren't ideal in your marriage and that you've heard too many stories about people whose marriages went on the rocks that wish they'd had some discussions about what's appropriate and where they are today.

You can go ahead and do the VAR thing, but seriously, I think there's more downside than upside to it. Why? Because if there's nothing going on, you are going to feel badly about a betrayal of trust, unless you're willing to fess up to her. Which, I think, you should agree with yourself to do, in the event you don't find anything. And this could be problematic. Or a crisis that shakes things up so you fix things.

The upside to the VAR? You find out a bit sooner than later about an EA or PA. I'm not sure finding out something a few months earlier than otherwise outweighs the potential downside I laid out.

But here's the thing- you can have the boundary talk, you can explain your concerns, and if you still have reason to suspect her, you've still got the VAR option. Plus, when people seriously try to hide things, they often seriously screw up. Because at first they might do a good job at it but over time they begin to get comfortable and complacent and even arrogant about it. 

I recognize my opinion runs counter to the requirements for TAM membership.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah.....married people dressing up as love interests is just.....weird.

Maybe innocent.....but something about that doesn't sit well with me.

As casual observer said, it's not appropriate.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> Great reply. We started counseling on my accord. She was hesitant at first. She says that I'm the problem. It's all in my head. She walks all over me in arguments and I've had enough. She says she is happy but I'm not. How can she be happy if she know's i"m not?


You’re clearly focusing on the wrong problem here if you’re focusing on this whole costume deal. 

You would be better served by focusing on the above, which is that you’re not happy in a marriage and she thinks it’s all your fault.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A quick easy check. Go online and look at her call/text data. Only take 15 minutes or so. You can download and sort usually.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That seems weird and a fantastically bad idea for a business to do. "How about a costume party that encourages sexual harassment". 

I guess if you have to do that, Livia and Augustus is the way to go. 





jay20 said:


> She works in a large place. Her department did a group theme with wife and coworker being love interests.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk to her.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

My phone records only show times and no numbers. Nothing else really. Can only see if lots of texts were made and I know they weren't me. Not sure if that says anything.



Marc878 said:


> A quick easy check. Go online and look at her call/text data. Only take 15 minutes or so. You can download and sort usually.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jay20 said:


> My phone records only show times and no numbers. Nothing else really. Can only see if lots of texts were made and I know they weren't me. Not sure if that says anything.


That's really odd. I'd call the carrier and see if I could get the info. Worth a shot.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jay20 said:


> My phone records only show times and no numbers. Nothing else really. Can only see if lots of texts were made and I know they weren't me. Not sure if that says anything.


Does it show lots of texts being made? Any unusual patterns? Texts bunched up at a similar time each day?

But seriously, consider again that there may not be anything here and you could be damaging your relationship by digging into nothing. I see no harm in using this as a mini-crisis that you can use to talk about boundaries and privacy. "That party you attended, with your co-worker, dressed as a couple. That made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about it?"


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Look, what else is irritating you? 
This coordination is really bothering you.

Have you suspected something with this particular coworker?
An open phone means ABSOLUTELY nothing.

There are apps, deletion, skype email etc etc etc.

Yes, I saw your other post, but it is Halloween and that shouldn’t be an issue. Unless, there is something more you haven’t posted it is just a party.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

If you have verzion, you go to Bill and then data usage, it gives you a break down of all ph# texted but not the message context.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Taxman said:


> Jay
> Long time client's wife kept making jokes about him screwing around on her. He disliked it and reminded her constantly that jokes contain a modicum of truth. Sooooooo, when the frequency and tenor of the jabs increased, he could tell. It made him vigilant enough to take some liberties with her privacy. Those minor liberties grew into engagement of a PI. He waited patiently for her to make one more jab. That was all it took. She was handed a sheaf of paper. In it was damning evidence. She wanted to know what made him catch on? He blithely told her that her little jabs got under his skin, so he decided that a few thou spent on a PI was a good thing. It sure was. They were recently re-resident in the southern US. He decided to sue her for divorce in their new area. He did it on our recommendation. We had him set up with professionals nearby in the course of one afternoon. It is a slam dunk. Oh, the new state? It is an at fault state. She is NOT getting support, or any of their assets for that matter. She has said that we out-maneuvered her. Oh, sorry, my heart just bleeds.


I knew you'd have an applicable story.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jay20 said:


> Great reply. We started counseling on my accord. She was hesitant at first. She says that I'm the problem. It's all in my head. She walks all over me in arguments and I've had enough. She says she is happy but I'm not. How can she be happy if she know's i"m not?


This bothers me. She is dismissive of your feelings, and that is problematic in a marriage. And putting the blame on you for this problem, when it could be easily resolved with some small consideration and participation on her part. 

This feels like rug sweeping and blame shifting. Her behavior and disregard for your feeling is creating a problem, but she's trying to convince you that YOU are the problem.

I don't like this at all. Even if she isn't doing anything with the co-worker, she is still being disrespectful and dismissive, and that has no place in a loving relationship. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

jay20 said:


> She works in a large place. Her department did a group theme with wife and coworker being love interests.


This raises my suspicions. Most large companies have very clear HR rules about this.
Do you have PROOF that this is the case?
Or is this what she TOLD you?


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

She sent me pictures of the group and also just them 2 together.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jay20 said:


> She sent me pictures of the group and also just them 2 together.


Okay, so it was a themed party. So, you have barely moved the meter for me. She sent two types of pictures. So what?

What is the real issue?

Please, if you choose, describe some of the marital issues. 
Was there previous infidelity in the marriage or prior? 
Did you cheat during or prior to the marriage?

Just curious because when you come here usually, you have had a strong idea of something and need confirmation or your marriage is basically a dumpster fire.

I’m curious, three people read it differently than me. I don’t think a themed party is inappropriate or unprofessional depending on the story.

Yeah, 50 Shades would be unprofessional.
Harry Potter wouldn’t be, to me.

Yet, a spouse or workers could take characters from Potter and coordinate them as lovers. Personally, I would have a problem with my spouse doing that, if we had problems like you described.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> It is possible that she is worried that the decline in your sex life will make you stray. She may be tired from caring for your toddlers so her libido is down and she is afraid of how they affect you.


This is so pertinent to wives (and many husbands) with young children. 

The little ones drain you..... everyday, every minute, they have no concept of mercy. From 6 AM to ~8 to 9 PM (more, if they sleep in your bed).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jay20 said:


> Great reply. We started counseling on my accord. She was hesitant at first. *She says that I'm the problem.* It's all in my head. She walks all over me in arguments and I've had enough. She says she is happy but I'm not. How can she be happy if she know's i"m not?


Sounds like she is 'mostly' happy, and she takes no ownership of your unhappiness.

Should she take ownership of making you unhappy? I cannot say. 

Her accusing you of cheating.....
Is it because of the *lack of* friendliness and kind gestures that you have shown in the last few years. That, and the drop in sex. 
Do you initiate the sex? Or have you basically given up. Only doing it when you are desperate, or only when the timing works out?

She has felt the chill in you, hence her comments.
I do know that it is hard to be loving to a tigress. The walking on eggshells, all that.

Can this dysfunctional marital dynamic lead to cheating.....sure.

Has it? 
Dunno.

I can say that it takes two to mess up a marriage. Yes, one may be *much more* to blame and culpable.



LMc-


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Update!

So turns out I mixed up characters and they were not in fact lovers in the movie. They were still the only 2 people to be from the same movie(Disney). Also it wasn't a party just a dress up day at work. She posted pictures on Facebook of all but the one of them together.

No cheating as far as I know. 

The big problem with us is when ever I bring something up she gets defensive and goes on the attack. I eventually shut down and stonewall her. I stay upset much longer than she does. Then I am very hesitant to take another beating in an argument. The arguments don't seem to bother her much at all as she controls the outcomes of them. 




phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, so it was a themed party. So, you have barely moved the meter for me. She sent two types of pictures. So what?
> 
> What is the real issue?
> 
> ...


----------



## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

You hit the nail on the head!
No ownership, tigress, eggshells all happening.

I am usually the one that initiates sex. The times she does is usually a couple days after she turns me down. She has started initiating more in the last month or so since I've brought up wanting more sex. She said 1-2 times a week was doable. I said I wanted 3-4 times a week. She laughed. So we "compromised" and are doing it 1-2 times a week.




SunCMars said:


> Sounds like she is 'mostly' happy, and she takes no ownership of your unhappiness.
> 
> Should she take ownership of making you unhappy? I cannot say.
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> The big problem with us is when ever I bring something up she gets defensive and goes on the attack.


I can see why. 



> I eventually shut down and stonewall her. I stay upset much longer than she does.


Sounds like you need to learn how to get over yourself. 



> Then I am very hesitant to take another beating in an argument. The arguments don't seem to bother her much at all as she controls the outcomes of them.


She’s not controlling the outcomes. 

You are. In a very passive-aggressive way. 

I can see why she’s unhappy.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> You hit the nail on the head!
> No ownership, tigress, eggshells all happening.
> 
> I am usually the one that initiates sex. The times she does is usually a couple days after she turns me down. She has started initiating more in the last month or so since I've brought up wanting more sex. She said 1-2 times a week was doable. I said I wanted 3-4 times a week. She laughed. So we "compromised" and are doing it 1-2 times a week.


So... you want more sex and you want her to do all the work so you get it. 

Sounds like a giant turn on. 

When are you going to see that you’re a giant part of the problem here?


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Appreciate the feedback. What do you mean by her doing all the work? 



Marduk said:


> So... you want more sex and you want her to do all the work so you get it.
> 
> Sounds like a giant turn on.
> 
> When are you going to see that you’re a giant part of the problem here?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jay20 said:


> She works in a large place. Her department did a group theme with wife and coworker being love interests.


Totally unprofessional. In today's climate, this was a very bad idea.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jay20 said:


> The big problem with us is when ever I bring something up she gets defensive and goes on the attack. I eventually shut down and stonewall her. I stay upset much longer than she does. Then I am very hesitant to take another beating in an argument. The arguments don't seem to bother her much at all as she controls the outcomes of them.


See, this right here is ONE of your problems, you are allowing yourself to be abused. 

So, even if she was not cheating, you are being a weak person, and allowing yourself to be abused. 

Further, this behavior is also one of the standard behaviors that cheaters use to cow their betrayed spouse (BS). 

So whether she is cheating or not, she is btw, you are being a chump and allowing yourself to be abused. 

Do you understand that???


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, so now we get to the real problem. Lack of initiating for and the amount of sex. So, you are about to blow up your marriage because she doesn’t initiate enough and her frequency is lower than yours.

Dude, you seriously need to get a clue and learn how to communicate. I mean you find out it is nothing and still have an issue because it is the same movie. This is you looking for a reason to be angry. 


Read the sexless marriage threads Here:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/


Then really take a long look in the mirror. The fact you want to snoop because of your high sex drive is kind of scary.

I was a stay at home dad with toddlers. It’s funny how your sex drive takes a dive raising Young kids.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> Appreciate the feedback. What do you mean by her doing all the work?


If you want more sex, then you initiate more and make it an exciting and appealing option for her. Flirt with her throughout the day. Use her turn ons. Do what she wants in the sack. If you want something, then say so, but only after you’ve made her happy and exited. 

And learn how to get over arguments and hearing no. Being sulky and passive aggressive is a giant turn off. 

If you’re having sex once or twice a week, it’s your job to make that the best day or two a week that she has. And if you want more, then do that more.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Here’s my take on your situation.

You and your wife have let your marriage become stale. Your wife doesn’t want to take any responsibility for it, which you know because she told you this is all on you. She’s said some things that alerted you to the fact that she had adultery on her mind, whether she really thought you might be cheating or she was thinking about cheating. You don’t know which it is, but either way, that’s not good. It means she was sensing or making a disconnect in your marriage.

Disconnection is a marriage killer. Your marriage is clearly not all it could be and seems to be in trouble. You sense your wife is vulnerable and fear the coworker may be moving in the fill that void (no pun indented, sorry). 

If you want to do something to revive your marriage, now is the time to step it up. Do not play the pick me game, where you try to make yourself look better than other options. Be a better option, because that’s who you are. Take the time to start taking care of yourself body, soul, and spirit. Reach out to your wife in a healthy manner, not a needy manner. Tell her that you feel your marriage needs to be rebuilt and that you are not satisfied with the lack of connection between the two of you and want to step it up and bring back the romance and passion, but it takes two to do that.

You told her you wanted to go to marriage counseling, but she put all the problems back on you. That is not healthy. If you’re not happy and you are telling her that, as your spouse, your well-being should be a top priority for her, just as her well-being should be a top priority for you. If it’s not, then it’s time to start being more proactive.

For one thing, start to reward her for what she’s doing right. Start to appreciate everything she does and be vocal about it. You are not doing this so she’ll do it for you. You are doing it, because of who you are and you recognize that it’s appropriate to show appreciation and have a good attitude.

You need to build good will in your marriage. Right now, your wife is defensive and you are unsure of how to approach her about anything. Start by showing appreciation and work at that for a while. You really cannot move forward until there is something to work with and she is not feeling defensive. If you can show appreciation and to build rather than tear down, that is likely to help.

Do you and your wife go out on dates? If not, it’s time to find a good babysitter and start planning dates at least once a month and during the rest of the month to spend time together enjoying each other.

I think one of the reasons that people experience lower sex drive when they have small children is that the children are always hanging off you and touching you in a needy manner. If your partner is also needy that wouldn’t be sexy at all. Intimacy should be mutual and mutually giving and receiving. It should be entirely different than having children hanging off you and constantly needing you. Intimacy in marriage should be a haven and a relief from the children’s neediness.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.

Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up). 

The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not. 



Cynthia said:


> Here’s my take on your situation.
> 
> You and your wife have let your marriage become stale. Your wife doesn’t want to take any responsibility for it, which you know because she told you this is all on you. She’s said some things that alerted you to the fact that she had adultery on her mind, whether she really thought you might be cheating or she was thinking about cheating. You don’t know which it is, but either way, that’s not good. It means she was sensing or making a disconnect in your marriage.
> 
> ...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jay20 said:


> The big problem with us is when ever I bring something up she gets defensive and goes on the attack. I eventually shut down and stonewall her. I stay upset much longer than she does. Then I am very hesitant to take another beating in an argument. The arguments don't seem to bother her much at all as she controls the outcomes of them.


I can't stand up for myself so pouting is my go to method.

Geeze


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.
> 
> Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up).
> 
> The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.


So what? Stop trying to crawl into her head so you can be the victim of something. 

She says she’s happy. I don’t know how, because you complain about sex but want her to initiate, you think she’s cheating on you because of an innocent event at work, and you sulk when it doesn’t go your way. 

If she is on her phone on a date night, then you’ve taken her on a boring date night. Take her rock climbing or something - hard to go on your phone then. 

Do stuff with her that inspires her to text her friends about how awesome you are, instead of inspires her to text her friends while on a date night with you because she’s bored. 

Sit in the drivers seat. Take accountability for your life. If you don’t like something, then you’re the one that has to change it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jay20 said:


> Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.
> 
> Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up).
> 
> The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.


Okay, so you're already showing appreciation.

You take her out and she basically ignores you.

However, she has compromised to give you more sex. Not as much as you'd like, but more than she was previously doing. So she's making some effort in that department at least.

What happened when she took her phone out? You said she gets defensive, but how are you approaching her? It's rude for her to be on her phone when the two of you are out on a date, but how you approach her can either help the situation or make matters worse. I mean the overall situation, not the immediately on her phone on a date situation. It's disrespectful and how you handle that disrespectful attitude impacts how she will respond to you.

Maybe next time, you would ask her to put the phone away so you two can connect. "Honey, I can't connect with you when I'm on the phone, which is why my phone is put away. Please put your phone away too."

Think back to when you two were dating. What did you talk about then? What drew you to each other? How did you connect when things were good between you?

Have you read any marriage books?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or you could just aggressively pin her down and eat her pu$$ until her eyes roll in back of her head and she starts speaking Spanish to Jesus. 

They usually have their listening ears on after that. 

Don’t forget to lick her butt.

Otherwise you could just do what Cynthia said .....


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

I would say a she compromised about 10% 
Yes I'm reading marriage books. I told her to put her phone away many times that night. Gave up eventually. It seems impossible to have a soft enough approach with not to get her defensive.



Cynthia said:


> Okay, so you're already showing appreciation.
> 
> You take her out and she basically ignores you.
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jay20 said:


> I would say a she compromised about 10%
> Yes I'm reading marriage books. I told her to put her phone away many times that night. Gave up eventually. It seems impossible to have a soft enough approach with not to get her defensive.


How exactly did you tell her to put her phone away?

What exactly did she do or say as a response?

What was she doing on her phone? Try to be specific.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

jay20 said:


> She sent me pictures of the group and also just them 2 together.


Can you help me to understand a little bit further?
I understand that they had a party. 
I guess my specific question is, were they told to match costumes or go as close relationship costumes?
Is she using this as a ruse to cover the fact that they are coupling up?
Not sure my question makes sense.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You really need to be more assertive. She knows she can shut you down and keep you at bay. 

Women will never in a million years tell you this but they like a man who can defeat all their **** test and keep them on a short leash when he wants.


----------



## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Thanks for the advice. Need to take accountability and change.



Marduk said:


> So what? Stop trying to crawl into her head so you can be the victim of something.
> 
> She says she’s happy. I don’t know how, because you complain about sex but want her to initiate, you think she’s cheating on you because of an innocent event at work, and you sulk when it doesn’t go your way.
> 
> ...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jay20 said:


> I would say a she compromised about 10%
> Yes I'm reading marriage books. I told her to put her phone away many times that night. Gave up eventually. It seems impossible to have a soft enough approach with not to get her defensive.


How is this 10%? It looks like 50% to me. How often was it before this? I'm trying to understand.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Almost the same 1-2 times a week. Over the month maybe a 1-2 time improvement.



Cynthia said:


> How is this 10%? It looks like 50% to me. How often was it before this? I'm trying to understand.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here’s what I did when my wife went through a whole phone thing. 

First, I talked to her about it. She didn’t think it was a problem. 

Second, when that didn’t work I reminded her when she’d pull it out and ignore me and the kids. She’d just get annoyed and make excuses. 

Third, when that didn’t work, I’d just leave, mid conversation. It really pissed her off. But I’d just shrug it off and kept doing it. Not in a pissy sulky way, I’d just go do something fun. Eventually one time I rounded up the kids and took them for ice cream. She didn’t notice until we were there and having fun. And I didn’t make a big deal about it, but I sure didn’t apologize for it. I just did it and she knew I was going to keep doing it until she started being more respectful. 

Then she called me and said “ok I get your point” and it hasn’t been a problem since.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Here’s what I did when my wife went through a whole phone thing.
> 
> First, I talked to her about it. She didn’t think it was a problem.
> 
> ...


This ^^^^^^^


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Here’s what I did when my wife went through a whole phone thing.
> 
> First, I talked to her about it. She didn’t think it was a problem.
> 
> ...


What did it take for that epiphany? Was it just constant repetition, or something more? How much longer could she have kept going before you gave up, and what would giving up look like?

Asking for a friend.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

jay20 said:


> The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.



It's entirely possible what she means is "I like things the way they are" not "I don't give a **** that you're unhappy"




Marduk said:


> Here’s what I did when my wife went through a whole phone thing.
> 
> First, I talked to her about it. She didn’t think it was a problem.
> 
> ...


I was going to suggest this very thing. Next time you're on a date and she can't put her phone down, end the date. If she protests just say "it's clear you're not really into this so we can just go home so you can have your fun on your phone." and walk away. Don't yell, get angry, etc. Just say it matter of fact like and follow through.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Here’s what I did when my wife went through a whole phone thing.
> 
> First, I talked to her about it. She didn’t think it was a problem.
> 
> ...


Like a boss!:smthumbup:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> What did it take for that epiphany? Was it just constant repetition, or something more? How much longer could she have kept going before you gave up, and what would giving up look like?
> 
> Asking for a friend.


Knowing that I would neither give it up nor debate with her about it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Knowing that I would neither give it up nor debate with her about it.


Having standards and not sticking around to be mistreated are pretty basic, but sometimes it takes a long time to realize that. 

It shouldn't be a fight. There is no reason to have a malicious or angry attitude about it. 

Set your standard and move away from someone who is disrespecting or dismissing you. Why stick around for that?

There's no reason to fight or pout. Just be who you are and give the other person space to be who she is. She can decide if she wants to step up or not, but you can't force her either way. The only person you can change or control is yourself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Has your wife ever said that you're too needy?

I'm not saying you are. I'm trying to get a better idea of what's going on here.

The dynamic seems to be a combination of both of you. Your marriage seems dysfunctional. There are ways that marriages function that work so each person has their needs met and not at the expense of each other, but to the benefit of both. In my marriage, when we are both doing that, things are good. When we're not both doing that, things are not so good.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I was out with my wife and some friends this evening.

A woman was feeding her baby whilst constantly on her phone.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Has your wife ever said that you're too needy?
> 
> *Yes she has. It's okay for her to express her feeling. So usually does in the moment. I usually come back to them later after some thought.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Your neediness comes through fairly explicitly here. 

Have you even been single and happy?

If so, what was that like?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@jay20, If your wife sees you as needy, that could be the center of the issues you are struggling with. Let me put it this way. If you are out with your wife and she's on her phone, that understandably bothers you, but how you respond tells whether you are a confident man who knows what he wants or someone who needs something from his wife and is trying to find a way to get her to give him what he needs. You do not want to be Mr. #2 if you expect things to go well with your wife. There are very few women who want to feel like they are taking care of another child.

My point is to help you see where your wife is coming from. She doesn't seem to be communicating very well either, which puts the two of you in a highly vulnerable place that must be resolved if you two are to be eye to eye and arm in arm in life like a marriage should be. If she doesn't see her part, but only sees you constantly nagging at her, that isn't going to work long term. You can only change yourself. Take a look at your attitude and see what you can do to be the man you want to be and get back to a place where your wife doesn't feel like you are just another person wanting something from her.

Learn to communicate effectively with your wife and to set healthy boundaries.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jay20 said:


> She sent me pics of their work photos. One of just them 2 together. Would she be that bold. Or harmless friends at work?


This is a blatant attempt at misdirection. Trying to hide in plain sight. Keep your eyes open and mouth shut. Get the evidence, and then strike. Do not confront until you have solid evidence. You know damn good and well what is going on or you would not be posting here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> @jay20, If your wife sees you as needy, that could be the center of the issues you are struggling with. Let me put it this way. If you are out with your wife and she's on her phone, that understandably bothers you, but how you respond tells whether you are a confident man who knows what he wants or someone who needs something from his wife and is trying to find a way to get her to give him what he needs. You do not want to be Mr. #2 if you expect things to go well with your wife. There are very few women who want to feel like they are taking care of another child.
> 
> My point is to help you see where your wife is coming from. She doesn't seem to be communicating very well either, which puts the two of you in a highly vulnerable place that must be resolved if you two are to be eye to eye and arm in arm in life like a marriage should be. If she doesn't see her part, but only sees you constantly nagging at her, that isn't going to work long term. You can only change yourself. Take a look at your attitude and see what you can do to be the man you want to be and get back to a place where your wife doesn't feel like you are just another person wanting something from her.
> 
> Learn to communicate effectively with your wife and to set healthy boundaries.


This is true unless you are needed. At the end of the day you have to know you are the catch and at the most extreme be willing to walk away from the bull****. If not then it's all bluster and bluff and she will know. Emotionally strong people come across that way because they are that way. 

The fact is the reason most people are in relationships like this is because people who are strong would have never made it this far.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

sokillme said:


> [
> 
> The fact is the reason most people are in relationships like this is because people who are strong would have never made it this far.


Good point. They wouldn’t allow it to carry on this far....OR .... they would have fixed the issues early on


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jay20 said:


> Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.
> 
> Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up).
> 
> The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.



Reading between the lines, it appears as if you think it is her responsibility to make you happy. I am sorry to burst your bubble but the only person who can make you happy is you. If something is making you miserable then confront it and deal with it. Being passive aggressive and stonewalling are sure fire ways to turn off your wife and for her to look for her bliss elsewhere. Stonewalling has got to be one of the worst things anyone can do, and is often a precursor to a failed marriage. You need to see your role in all of this.

You sound like a petulant child 'how can she be happy when I'm not happy....?" maybe she chooses to overlook your bull**** and  fill her life with things that bring her joy, perhaps you could learn something from her. You sound far too intense. She could well be on TAM complaining about this husband who never wants to see her point of view but shuts her down, so she ends up raising her voice, but then he gives her the silent treatment......see where I am going with this? Get over yourself and deal with your issues like a mature adult.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER from amazon. Your biggest problem is she has lost respect for you. Respect is earned not given. 
When you do have sex is she enthusiastic and are you both satisfied?

Does she have sexy underwear she doesn’t wear around you? She works out, do you? Are you in good shape? Has she changed anything she in her personal groomIng?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

When a woman is putting the moves on me I always tell my W, but I never try to pass it off as innocent. 

An earlier poster had mentioned that the OM is an orbiter waiting for an opportunity and I agree, the OM has his eyes and ears open and his mouth delivering honey in small doses.

What I suspect about this OM is that he is good at the long game, your W may become his confidant after he marries consulting about his issues with his new wife.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> When a woman is putting the moves on me I always tell my W, but I never try to pass it off as innocent.
> 
> An earlier poster had mentioned that the OM is an orbiter waiting for an opportunity and I agree, the OM has his eyes and ears open and his mouth delivering honey in small doses.
> 
> What I suspect about this OM is that he is good at the long game, your W may become his confidant after he marries consulting about his issues with his new wife.


The problem is that the "long game" doesn't mean you have time to spot what's going on. It just means someone is waiting for the opportunity and planting the seed. That opportunity can come up very, very quickly. That's why it is so important, if you see anything that makes you at all comfortable, to act quickly and have that talk with your partner about boundaries. 

The first sign of ANYTHING, including, perhaps especially, those things that quickly turn out to be completely innocent... that's when you have to go over things. Have that talk. And if you're concerned that having that talk is uncomfortable and might reveal things that are going to make things a bit rocky in your relationship... well geez, what do you think happens if you wait until you realize you SHOULD have had that talk???!!!


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

All we know about your W is what you’ve told us, but something pinged your gut enough to come online looking for answers.

That’s not conclusive, but experience tells us you’d be foolish to ignore it. More often than not your gut is right.

Hold your cards close and keep your eyes wide open.

If it’s possible, you may stop by her work unexpectedly to take her to lunch. See what reaction you get from W, potential OM and coworkers.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Marduk said:


> If she is on her phone on a date night, then you’ve taken her on a boring date night. Take her rock climbing or something - hard to go on your phone then.


I'm going to *vehemently* disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?

Only the extremely *rude, arrogant*, and completely *ungrateful* sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP. 

Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm going to *vehemently* disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?
> 
> Only the extremely *rude, arrogant*, and completely *ungrateful* sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP.
> 
> Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?


I agree with this 100%. Wife and I have a "no electronics" rule for our date nights. We are amazed when we sit in restaurants and see one side of a couple eating in silence while the other is typing away on their phone. Saw one couple arrive at a restaurant and as soon as they placed their order, the woman's phone rings and she gets up from the table and walks away to talk on the phone. She's gone for 30 minutes. Meanwhile the guy eats dinner alone. This type of behavior is rude and disrespectful and should not be tolerated by anyone.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Oooooh edited because I mixed you up with another poster who rhymes with you! So terribly sorry!!!



aine said:


> jay20 said:
> 
> 
> > Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.
> ...


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mr.married said:


> you really need to be more assertive. She knows she can shut you down and keep you at bay.
> 
> Women will never in a million years tell you this but they like a man who can defeat all their **** test and keep them on a short leash when he wants.


truth!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have had lots of advice about what to do. I'm thinking how you do it--the spirit in which you act is really important. Be genuine. Let all built up resentment go--remember you can only change yourself. You are making your marriage better and this may be a last ditch effort.

Flirt with her. Look at her with new eyes. Hear her with new ears. Touch her with new feeling. If you have to work hard to do this, that is part of the effort. Let your love and respect for her radiate like when you first were dating. Forget for a while what you want, but, in the end, do not let her walk all over you. 

Why is she on her phone? Games? Work? Friends? Habit? What I ask is counter to many men here, but from a female perspective. If she continues to disrespect you after your ongoing effort--over a period of time--not just false pretention, open communication, maybe with a counselor, is needed to see if there if any future to work on.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's just that regardless of him trying again as you say SM, it's doubtful she will want it. But l am in agreement it really doesn't cost him anymore than a little time and outlook of his life. But the thrill of new and acting out like playing. Is the kibble's that she is hooked on. Nothing more it is not as complicated as one thinks. She's been doing it for some time it is now just in the hiding in plain sight one could say.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Coordinating a costume with a male co-worker is not cool at all. You need to make sure the wife of this coworker gets that pic and the background info. Let his wife put the heat on him because she will KNOW that her husband is trying to put the moves on another woman.

Doesn’t mean anything is happening yet but these things move fast. Openly doing that in front of their colleagues would have raised a few eyebrows but they still went forward. When they get sloppy like that, it’s because of the fog. Many people have seen coworkers that obviously have a thing going on that they’re trying to hide but people notice the glances and body language.

While keeping your eyes open, I advise that you start working on yourself. Not for her but for your benefit. Start hitting the gym hard. Getting in shape will not only boost your self esteem but also your T levels. Also up your game when it comes to your appearance. I’m talking about your hair, beard, clothes, hygiene, etc. liking what you see in the mirror will completely change your outlook.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm going to *vehemently* disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?
> 
> Only the extremely *rude, arrogant*, and completely *ungrateful* sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP.
> 
> Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?


Carrot and the stick. 

The carrot is doing something fun and exciting in your marriage. 

The stick is walking away if her phone comes out. 

It’s very hard to argue when you’re being reasonable, rational, and have well formed boundaries.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

She was texting the baby sitter about the kids a few times which was one of her friends. So they were probably chatting more than the regular baby sitter. She was also on FB a few times.



sunsetmist said:


> You have had lots of advice about what to do. I'm thinking how you do it--the spirit in which you act is really important. Be genuine. Let all built up resentment go--remember you can only change yourself. You are making your marriage better and this may be a last ditch effort.
> 
> Flirt with her. Look at her with new eyes. Hear her with new ears. Touch her with new feeling. If you have to work hard to do this, that is part of the effort. Let your love and respect for her radiate like when you first were dating. Forget for a while what you want, but, in the end, do not let her walk all over you.
> 
> Why is she on her phone? Games? Work? Friends? Habit? What I ask is counter to many men here, but from a female perspective. If she continues to disrespect you after your ongoing effort--over a period of time--not just false pretention, open communication, maybe with a counselor, is needed to see if there if any future to work on.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Female or male babysitter?

Still disrespectful, but there is a difference.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

Female



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Female or male babysitter?
> 
> Still disrespectful, but there is a difference.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

For anyone who thinks it is normal for a male and female co-worker to coordinate their costumes, I have a bridge to sell you!










Oh, wait! Dayum. Well, looks like that idea ain't gonna work, either! :rofl:

Jokes to one side, it's disrespectful and it gives people the wrong impression.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> For anyone who thinks it is normal for a male and female co-worker to coordinate their costumes, I have a bridge to sell you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


MattMatt where did you find that GIF?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BashfulB said:


> MattMatt where did you find that GIF?


Google! Google is my friend! And Google can be your friend, too! :rofl:

I just Googled 'bridge blowing up' and took it from there.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't think any of think your wife's behavior is okay or your fault. It is common to enable bad behavior and have no idea that's what you're doing, which is why we are pointing this out to you, so you will understand what's happening and how to stop the cycle. Hopefully it's not too late, because it sounds like her relationship with her coworker is on the wrong path and even without him neither of you seem happily married.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, so they did or did not coordinate? I am slightly confused.

You said she did and it was themed then came back saying you made a mistake. I just want to make sure I understand.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Was he a wang and she a vajajay?

I'm actually not getting a major red flag yet otherwise.

You two just seem to have relationship problems that don't involve infidelity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> For anyone who thinks it is normal for a male and female co-worker to coordinate their costumes, I have a bridge to sell you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your meme makes a good point!


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

They wore characters from the same movie. I assumed they coordinated. They also both had little stuffed characters to go with them. She said that another coworker just happen to bring them in. I never asked her if they coordinated the costumes.




phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, so they did or did not coordinate? I am slightly confused.
> 
> You said she did and it was themed then came back saying you made a mistake. I just want to make sure I understand.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jay20 said:


> They wore characters from the same movie. I assumed they coordinated. They also both had little stuffed characters to go with them. She said that another coworker just happen to bring them in. I never asked her if they coordinated the costumes.


Thank you. That’s what I thought and how I read your update post.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jay20 said:


> They wore characters from the same movie. I assumed they coordinated. They also both had little stuffed characters to go with them. *She said that another coworker just happen to bring them in. *I never asked her if they coordinated the costumes.


He couldn't 'just happen' to bring them in if they didn't coordinate.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Malaise said:


> He couldn't 'just happen' to bring them in if they didn't coordinate.


OP please calirfy again.

Did the male coworker, who bothers you, bring the stuffed animals or someone else? Yes, I know movie nerds who bring all kind of extra things into parties to fit in.


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## jay20 (Oct 31, 2019)

My wife told me that another coworker(women) brought in the stuffed toys. My wife said she didn't ask her to but was talking to me about buying one to go with her costume. Probably was talking about it at work also.



phillybeffandswiss said:


> OP please calirfy again.
> 
> Did the male coworker, who bothers you, bring the stuffed animals or someone else? Yes, I know movie nerds who bring all kind of extra things into parties to fit in.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jay20 said:


> My wife told me that another coworker(women) brought in the stuffed toys. My wife said she didn't ask her to but was talking to me about buying one to go with her costume. Probably was talking about it at work also.


She has an answer for everything.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Malaise said:


> She has an answer for everything.


That would be expected if she were telling the truth, which she very well may be.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> That's would be expected if she were telling the truth, which she very well may be.


This is why I keep asking for clarification. He is adamant something is wrong and then slowly walks everything back.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is why I keep asking for clarification. He is adamant something is wrong and then slowly walks everything back.




IMO, OP is the issue. I see nothing wrong with his wife’s actions. 

Op, you come off as an extremely INSECURE man which is UNATTRACTIVE.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, during the rough period Jay20, what made her start asking why you were cheating and joking about it? 

You said sex dwindled, how did that occur?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

And no one said to hide a var in the house, WW car, and var that looks like
a pen in WW car, unbelievable.

or asked if WW has snap chat, drop the mic.


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