# New Member



## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

I have been married for over 25 years and it's fallen apart. I discovered my husband had a secret relationship with someone about 2 years after (I believe) it was over. No old phones or computers to go through. The evidence was flirty emails from work that had somehow been saved and not deleted. He flipped when I found them - thought "he had gotten rid of all of them". Deny deny deny. Lots of lies about where OW worked, etc. OW hung up on me immediately when I finally called her. She called my husband right away.

He will not admit to anything and the more I ask, he doesn't remember. Even things he's told me before he doesn't remember anymore. It's like he has a mental illness. He normally has a very good/excellent memory. I have since learned he is a compulsive liar and passive aggressive. Probably a covert narcissist too.

In the 3 years since this was discovered, I've taken a good look at my marriage and realize I was always the giver. I do not see a way to move forward until I get the real truth. I don't believe that nothing happened. They worked near each other for about 4 years. I never heard her name mentioned. I just don't think I have a genuine marriage if there are lies and secrets between us. 

He knows I want to divorce and I have started the paperwork. He absolutely doesn't want it but it doesn't seem like his memory is improving.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry you’re here.

My ex wife also cheated on me just before our marriage ended. She never admitted it, never explained it, and even though her own family members busted her, she still actively denied it. And still does, from what I hear, 20 years later.

So what I recommend is to find your own answers, your own resolution, and to pretty much ignore what he does from this point forward, because disentangling the lies, self-serving rationalizations, and denials will be a waste of your precious energy during this time.

Focus on your goal: to get out of this mess.


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## Hub3302 (Oct 21, 2019)

I have been the cheater before I was married. I am very regretful of those times. I can tell you the truth probably won’t make a difference in how you feel. If you can’t get past what happened without knowing the truth. Is the truth going to make that better or worse? Hopefully things improve with your single self or your husband.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

first VERY sorry you are going through this, but glad you are taking steps to get away from the situation.
So, i'm SURE he remembers everything, but just doesn't want to tell you/admit to it. He doesn't have a mental illness that is preventing him from remembering. He will only admit to what he thinks you know.

Is the other woman married/bf? I think you need to expose this to your/his family and her spouse/bf, and your friends also. Your H will try to re-write your marriage history to make YOU look like the bad guy.

You could have a polygraph done (But don't tell him first -- just schedule, and then bring him to it. You may get a parking lot confession). They are probably STILL in a relationship if she called him right away after you called.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You can do what jig07, says which is good advice. But in the end, you will be the marital police, from here on out. And getting triggered each and every time. He wants you to rugsweep it. Don't why would you. Take care of yourself eat, rest, and do activities to calm yourself. Do the 180 and move on. and enjoy some of your life. There's always someone looking for true love and will put you first in their lives.


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## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

I did a Poly last year and he passed. It was a very unpleasant experience and I think he beat it (I know of people who have. I have had him lie to me directly about things that I know are true.) I got one "parking lot" confession that he had spoken to the OW again, when he had sworn up and down to me that he hadn't. I've also seen his confusion when I prove to him he's lying. The OW was married and then divorcing when this was going on. Her Ex wasn't interested in talking to me.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

growing10 said:


> I have been married for over 25 years and it's fallen apart. I discovered my husband had a secret relationship with someone about 2 years after (I believe) it was over. No old phones or computers to go through. The evidence was flirty emails from work that had somehow been saved and not deleted. He flipped when I found them - thought "he had gotten rid of all of them". Deny deny deny. Lots of lies about where OW worked, etc. OW hung up on me immediately when I finally called her. She called my husband right away.
> 
> He will not admit to anything and the more I ask, he doesn't remember. Even things he's told me before he doesn't remember anymore. It's like he has a mental illness. He normally has a very good/excellent memory. I have since learned he is a compulsive liar and passive aggressive. Probably a covert narcissist too.
> 
> ...


Based on what you have said here, I think you probably need to divorce. 

At the very least it may make him tell the truth. Maybe. 

What make you think they are no longer in contact? What makes you think nothing happened, it did by the way. Adults have sex, not pine away for each other. 

He is not doing the things that need to be done to help you heal, namely being honest and open.

Yeah, dump him and move on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

growing10 said:


> I did a Poly last year and he passed. It was a very unpleasant experience and I think he beat it (I know of people who have. I have had him lie to me directly about things that I know are true.) I got one "parking lot" confession that he had spoken to the OW again, when he had sworn up and down to me that he hadn't. I've also seen his confusion when I prove to him he's lying. The OW was married and then divorcing when this was going on. Her Ex wasn't interested in talking to me.


Well, you have a pretty serious liar on your hands that he believes his own lies. I know folks can beat them, but if it didn't even phase him to take it, that should tell you a lot.
Just make sure that your family knows why you are divorcing him and move on.


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## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

When I first broached the poly, he was very upset. Then he came around and he offered. He also proceeded to tell me later how he had heard at one time how people could beat them. So there's that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

growing10 said:


> I did a Poly last year and he passed. It was a very unpleasant experience and I think he beat it (I know of people who have. I have had him lie to me directly about things that I know are true.) I got one "parking lot" confession that he had spoken to the OW again, when he had sworn up and down to me that he hadn't. I've also seen his confusion when I prove to him he's lying. The OW was married and then divorcing when this was going on. Her Ex wasn't interested in talking to me.


If you need a machine’s help to determine that your life partner isn’t lying to you, the relationship is already over.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

growing10 said:


> When I first broached the poly, he was very upset. Then he came around and he offered. He also proceeded to tell me later how he had heard at one time how people could beat them. So there's that.


Yeah, he probably did research to find out how to beat the poly. Should have NOT mentioned, just gone and done it. Oh well, you know he is a liar, you know he already cheated, you know you don't want to put up with this anymore, and you have your plan to file, so you seem to have a clear path forward.

Make sure you exercise, eat healthy, sleep, be with your kids/friends/family, detach from him (there is a plan called the 180 to help you do that), and get ready to live a better life without him treating you like this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

growing10 said:


> He knows I want to divorce and I have started the paperwork. He absolutely doesn't want it but it doesn't seem like his memory is improving.


I'm inclined to believe your WH memory will improve upon receipt of the D papers and what a D is going to look like for him. Then follow through with the D.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

growing10 said:


> I did a Poly last year and he passed. It was a very unpleasant experience and I think he beat it (I know of people who have. I have had him lie to me directly about things that I know are true.) I got one "parking lot" confession that he had spoken to the OW again, when he had sworn up and down to me that he hadn't. I've also seen his confusion when I prove to him he's lying. The OW was married and then divorcing when this was going on. Her Ex wasn't interested in talking to me.


If he can beat a polygraph (and you know he beat it) then you can never trust him and you'd best get checked for STDs. Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

Divorce would be your best option under the circumstances.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He isnt worthy of being your husband. Cut him loose, like, yesterday. This isnt worth your time, effort, or pain.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> He isnt worthy of being your husband. Cut him loose, like, yesterday. This isnt worth your time, effort, or pain.


This right here!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

25 years is a very long time. It's easy for us to just say DIVORCE, which might be tough given the length of your marriage.

But it seems he'll never be forthcoming here. He sounds like a master deflector. His reaction of "I thought I deleted all of those!" is disturbing. So you know there were many, many more of them. And that was his main concern, not what he did, but that he was careless about it.

Keep doing what you are doing. He is the type that will continue to deflect and dodge until the real ramifications start to hit him. Maybe that'll happen when you pack his bags.


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## growing10 (Oct 9, 2019)

There's a lot of disturbing things he's done. He did IC but he didn't get anything out of it. He really couldn't own that there was anything wrong with him. He doesn't stand up for me if it's needed and relies on me to be the tough guy. He works and I have handled everything else. He has started doing more things around the house and uses that to tell me how he's changed. But he keeps lying about little stuff and struggles so hard to be honest about anything I ask him about his affair. He has self-esteem issues (which really doesn't make sense) as he is a successful businessman. 

Once I started learning a lot about psychological issues a lot of his behavior made sense. But that was a long time coming for me - he had me so crazy with the lying and the gaslighting - I kept thinking I was the problem. Finally I had to get strong and realize I had been a good wife and deserved none of this ****. I am sad that we couldn't make it work but I realize continuing this is destroying me. I fell out of love with him. I see him for who he truly is now and I can't deal with his problems on top of what he did to me. I have started to imagine a life on my own now. It's still terribly scary as I don't have anyone to lean on for support.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sorry that you are going thru this. My STBXW has never admitted to her A even when presented with the evidence. Some cheaters will just never admit. My advice would be to file and then concentrate on doing what is best for YOURSELF. You are the only thing that you can control


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divorce looks like the only option for you. Make sure you have the best lawyer in your area.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

growing10 said:


> There's a lot of disturbing things he's done. He did IC but he didn't get anything out of it. He really couldn't own that there was anything wrong with him. He doesn't stand up for me if it's needed and relies on me to be the tough guy. He works and I have handled everything else. He has started doing more things around the house and uses that to tell me how he's changed. But he keeps lying about little stuff and struggles so hard to be honest about anything I ask him about his affair. He has self-esteem issues (which really doesn't make sense) as he is a successful businessman.
> 
> Once I started learning a lot about psychological issues a lot of his behavior made sense. But that was a long time coming for me - he had me so crazy with the lying and the gaslighting - I kept thinking I was the problem. Finally I had to get strong and realize I had been a good wife and deserved none of this ****. I am sad that we couldn't make it work but I realize continuing this is destroying me. I fell out of love with him. I see him for who he truly is now and I can't deal with his problems on top of what he did to me. I have started to imagine a life on my own now. It's still terribly scary as I don't have anyone to lean on for support.


Really sounds like someone with NPD. Do you have children?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What questions did you ask your husband for the polygraph test?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Your husband beat the examiner, not the test and a very qualified examiner. How many polygraphs has the examiner completed before your husband?


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