# I really want another child, he doesn't



## wifeandmother (Dec 6, 2011)

This issue brings up multiple feelings in me. I am unable to have children do to medical reasons. We adopted 1 baby who will be 6 in Jan. I have always wanted a LARGE family, I have tried to be happy with 1 child, but I want another baby. I also feel I have no support with family or friends on this. I am JEALOUS with friend who are content with their 2 or 3 children and openly say to me "I'm so glad I'm over the baby thing". ANGRY with another that just decided she wanted another and when hubby said no she stoped birth control with out telling and now has a new baby. ANGRY with my body for failing. I think of leaving my husband so I can adopt again with out him, but know that financially I wouldn't be approved with out him, loose the house etc.etc so I stay. I even moved to another state because my niece was in foster care & I hoped to adopt her, but by the time we were able to sell our house, find jobs and move 6 months had passed and she was placed with my mother (who is adopting her). I feel desprate.What do i do?


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so very sorry you are going through such hard times. Sometimes life takes us down very rock roads/paths and we need to deal with the situation the best we can. One thing you need to let go is the jealousy with your friend. You will harbor resentment toward her and you may end up saying things to her you will regret in the future. 

We can't have everything we want. Sometimes we must adjust to big life changes and deal with them the best we can. Leaving your husband over adopting a child sounds a little over the top. You really need to get over all the issues that are causing you to be angry. You will remain miserable and the people around you will be miserable as well.

I broke my neck almost 4 years ago. It was a life changing experience. I use to run 36 miles a week. 6 miles, 6 days a week and sometimes more. I raced in triatlons on top of that. Now I spend most days in bed and I live in severe chronic pain. I thank God I can still use my legs, but I can not walk far. I'm a prisoner in my own home from being homebound. I LOVE to EXERCISE! It was taken away from me.

I know it's not the same as adopting a baby, but my husband didn't leave me now that I'm disabled and that I live a very limited lifestyle. I can not hold my head up for more then an hour or two without resting it. I didn't ask to live in this horrid pain and neither did my husband. My husband stands by my side with love and supports me 100%.

Try your best to be happy with what life has given you. Happiness comes from within yourself. Never take anything for granted. Have you thought about maybe fostering a child? There are so many children out there that need homes and someone to love them. My aunt fostered 3 children and after a few years she was able to adopt them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I agree with the I'mInLoveWithMyHubby, leaving your husband in order to adopt is an extreme reaction. What if a 2nd one isn't enough? What if a 3rd one isn't enough? How big is a "large family"? 

"How many children" is a pre-marriage question. Once you're married, obviously this can change, but it sounds like you've always known you wanted a large family - did he know that? Why did you get married to him if he didn't also want a large family? 

Is the issue with adoption or with the number of children? What I mean is, is your husband against having more than one child, or against adopting more than one child? If it's the former, you are "stuck" - both spouses have to want a child. If it's the latter, you may be able to "convince" him that adopting another child isn't so different from having a biological child. But if you pressure him you will create enormous resentment that will harm your marriage.

It is not an easy position to be in but as a wife, you do have a responsibility to fight for your marriage - not to run away when you don't get everything you want. If he wanted lots of children, and you didn't, would you consider it "right" for him to leave you to go have them with someone else? Marriage comes first before children.


----------



## ryansdad (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your husband adamant that he never, ever wants anymore children, or just not right now? My wife and waited until she was 37 and I was 34 before ttc. We were very lucky and blessed as we started ttc in sept 08 and on christmas eve, she told me we were pregnant and in august 09, our son was born. Now, we would like to have another child (hopefully a little girl), but have been actively trying about 14 months with no luck. And my testosterone level is low now, and i am trying to get in with a urologist to fix that. Now, we wish we "had started" earlier, but we try and look at our son and be thankful and grateful for the one healthy child we are blessed with. I know its difficult and you miss having a baby and would love to do it again. I hope and pray that maybe you can speak with your husband and change his mind.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

wifeandmother said:


> This issue brings up multiple feelings in me. I am unable to have children do to medical reasons. We adopted 1 baby who will be 6 in Jan. I have always wanted a LARGE family, I have tried to be happy with 1 child, but I want another baby. I also feel I have no support with family or friends on this.While it is sad that you do not feel supported, I would encourage you to try not to let that hinder your dreams. I am JEALOUS with friend who are content with their 2 or 3 children and openly say to me "I'm so glad I'm over the baby thing".If she is aware of your issues, these comments are very insensitive. However, it is not fair to resent someone because they have what you want. ANGRY with another that just decided she wanted another and when hubby said no she stoped birth control with out telling and now has a new baby.Okay, people can do whatever they like. You can only control what you do in your own life. ANGRY with my body for failing. This will not solve the problem. I think of leaving my husband so I can adopt again with out him, but know that financially I wouldn't be approved with out him, loose the house etc.etc so I stay.So a baby is more important than your husband? Wow, I guess you have certain priorities. Looks like he is just a wallet to you. I even moved to another state because my niece was in foster care & I hoped to adopt her, but by the time we were able to sell our house, find jobs and move 6 months had passed and she was placed with my mother (who is adopting her).That was very cruel of your mother. Therapy would be a good place to start. I feel desprate.What do i do?


----------



## wifeandmother (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for the feed back.To answer some of your questions, Yes he knew I wanted a LARGE (4 kids) family when we met,but he also knew I most likely couldn't have children. We tried invitro and lost tripletts. He never had a problem with adoption until it came time to budget for it, he is terrified of debt so he won'tbarrow against the house or anything like that and we simply don't have the savings for another $18k (the failed invitro was $23k). He was all for foster (or seemed to be) untilit came time to do it, then he changed his tune and said he was fearfulof a kid with problems. Basically I feel he has strung me along since our daughter with "eventually we may adopt again", "when we have the money","when our daughter is older in school". Now he is ending the conversations about children with "We are almost 40, we need tothink about retirement,not kids". I have no power to make him change his mind. He is more than a bank account to me, but his needs for financial security puts me in a posistion of having to equate my emotions against his dollars.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi again... {{{Hugs}}} to you, that's a tough situation. Personally, I'm the financial planner in our marriage, my husband is more than happy to let me worry about Roths and down payments and so on. So I can see your husband's side. Retirement is a huge priority in the 40s and 50s. (It should have been a huge priority in the 20s and 30s instead, but it's hard to make much money at that age.) So he's right to be concerned, especially with the volatility in the market these days. 

That said, it's not fair of him to string you along. If he, as the financial planner, knows that your family CANNOT AFFORD another child (via adoption, let's say), then he needs to make that clear and should have done so upfront when it became clear from a financial standpoint. Adoption is expensive, but it's not really more expensive than a biological child born with special needs - and there's no way to predict that, really. So anyone considering a child - biological or adopted - owes it to that child to be financially prepared. 

If he has a problem with fostering, that also needs to be made clear upfront, instead of filling you with false hopes.

So both really need to meet in the middle.

You need to accept that financial security is a big deal, and maybe 2 children is more than you can afford. He needs to accept that he needs to be honest and clear about what is possible and what is not, because he is basically torturing you by putting you through this emotional roller coaster of hope.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Instead of being bitter about what you think you don't have, how about trying to be thankful of what you DO have? Some people can't have any children at all because they can't afford IVF or adoption. Nobody gets all of what they want in life. Be thankful for the daughter you DO have.

You can't afford more adoptions, so that should be off the table. And your husband has legitimate concerns about fostering kids. There are a lot of behavioral problems with most kids in these circumstances and bringing this into your daughter's life is a big deal. A couple must be on the same page, and both be willing to make the sacrifices necessary, when they choose to become foster parents. 

I'd see a counselor to figure out how you can reframe some of your expectations and live a life that's more centered around gratitude than feelings of scarcity.


----------

