# What are your TRIGGERS?



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

All Betrayed Spouses go thru these or have them happen at one time or another. For the new folks, a TRIGGER can literally be anything that triggers your memory of the affair and brings on intense feelings like anger, sadness, etc, that almost brings you back to D-Day in some instances. 

For some people, certain holidays or special occassions can be triggers, especially if the affair was going on during that holiday or special occasion and now its tainted. For others, triggers can be anything and everything. 

For a lot of people, reading these threads and other people's stories can trigger them, that's why you see alot of people leave after a while because being here can trigger them. Having been through this before, I know that you will always have triggers for years after this, the thing is that these triggers will affect you less and less if you're healing. Wayward and former Wayward Spouses can learn a thing about triggers here also, so they can help avoid things that will trigger their betrayed spouse and help them through these triggers.

For me, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day are tainted because my fWW was deep in her EA then. Also pictures of her trip that she took with her sister trigger me, because I remember she was calling OM during the time these pictures were taken and I couldn't even reach her at the time. Stories in this forum and other infidelity forums used to trigger me months ago, but I've healed to the point that they no longer do and most of the time these stories do not trigger anger anymore. I say most of the time of course. And I hope that I've healed enough for when the upcoming holidays come around, that I don't trigger too badly, because last year was terrible.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Probably the biggest trigger---is the cheating spouse themselves

Everytime the betrayed looks at them, memories will start to flash into the sub-conscious/conscious---

Otherwise there are hundreds of things that will trigger


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

One of my Triggers is i must say 
Company toilets(How romantic of them)*sigh*


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Like so many others I have many things that trigger those feelings. But the number one trigger is seeing the places she has been employed at.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The normal stuff? My ex's former birthday, the day we used to go drive to her parents every year. 

New Years. That was our first date. 


The weird random stuff? 

Hearing anything about former baseball player Aaron Boone. LOL

Seriously. 

The first time I found out that my wife was cheating on me was the night that Aaron Boone of the Yankees hit a home run to beat the Red Sox in a dramatic playoff game. I was sitting there watching the game half stunned at what had happened to my life that day. 

I can remember that night in every detail possible.


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## why not me (Oct 15, 2011)

I just had a major trigger this week that has put me in a bad spot for days, and it truly feels like I am back at D-day and have to ask all the same questions again, and it really hurts our progress. I was cleaning out the tote my WS used to keep in the back of her car and found a hair brush, hair spray and wipes. Although she has had this in her car for years, it triggered me bad on what she probably used them for during her affair.

Other triggers are seeing the kind of car the OM drives, (which sucks because it is a popular model!) The OM looks like Kenny Chesney, so his songs or videos are triggers. Of course most any secular song is a trigger right now. I am only 4 months past D-Day, and it seems like everything is still a trigger to me. 

I totally agree with the holidays and birthdays, I am dreading her birthday next year, and our anniversary. The good news is D-Day was right after those dates, so I will have had almost a year to heal some. I do worry about this Christmas though since it has always been my favorite time of year. 

Affairs suck!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Another trigger for me is seeing her on her cell phone when she comes home from work, because I found out from the call logs, that she would always be talking to OM on her cell phone on the drive home. I never said anything, but she sensed it (maybe the dirty look I gave her when she would walk in the door). Without even my asking, she started putting her calls on speaker phone so I could hear who she was talking to. 

I rented "The Dilemna" with Kevin James, Vince Vaughn, Winona Ryder, and Jennifer Connelly. Seeing Ryder act as if nothing was going on while she was cheating on James, seemed to trigger me, luckily I reached the stage where it didn't hurt that badly.

why not me, that's really gotta suck having to see OMs model car all around.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ak, I hate the triggers. I have a few that are getting better and a few that I try to avoid. A major one for me is going downtown in the city we live in. Especially to 107 Avenue. It was on 107 Avenue that he picked up the prostitute. Also, he lived downtown at the time, and when we were getting back together I spent time with him at his apt, but later learned about the prostitute being there so I just want to forget all those memories. And the hotel where he went to meet up with one of his 'models' is also downtown.

Also the dates. I hate the antiversaries. March 13 - Dday#1. June 12 - the day he hired the prostitute. Nov 6, Dday#2 - the day I found out about the prostitute. Dec 16 - the day he went to meet up with his 'model'. The only one I still have to go through for the first time is Nov 6 - I am hoping they fade with time - I'm told they do.

Side story about triggers: Last year when he told me about the prostitute, on Nov 6, we were away from home. When we got home a couple days later I walked in the door and was confronted with the couch he had brought from his apt when he moved back. Right then I KNEW he had gotten his blow job on that couch from the prostitute. I couldn't say anything because the kids were all there, but I couldn't be in the same room as the couch. He knew too. He put the couch on kijiji and got rid of it within about 3 days. I hardly had to say a word - he just did it, no questions asked. However, there were also a couple of throw pillows and a blanket he had brought that used to be on his couch at his apt. I asked him what he did with those while he got his blow job and he said he threw them onto the floor. The visual from that still haunts me to this day, and I can't stand the sight of those pillows or that blanket. But he balks at getting rid of them for some reason. Weird.

And pretty much anything to do with prostitutes triggers me now too. Just try watching TV and not running across that. Pretty much impossible. So one side effect of it all has been that I watch a lot less tv


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

infidelity is very prevalent in movies and tv, and the worst part is how nonchalantly they portray it most of the time. (in some cases it's "true love" that breaks up a wedding or something like that, so stupid)


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Strangely enough I had to change the channel when the weather would come on the local news. The OMs town was on the fringe of the radar. Would piss me off every time I saw it.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hmmm...triggers. Ain't they fun? My big ones:

My birthday. A few years ago, we went to a charity screening of one of our favorite movies to celebrate my birthday. Came home to a message on the answering machine from her EA partner's (OM1) wife saying OM1 and my W had been sleeping together the whole time we'd been married. After trying to work on that, in 2010, W planned a surprise gathering for my 40th birthday. Six days later, she crossed the line to PA with OM2.

Fourth of July (and the accompanying potluck lunch at work). D Day for the PA was July 2, 2010...the same day as our Fourth of July potluck at work.

OM2 himself. He, W and I all work at the same place. We're on day 3 of him now working from home, though, so that one is significantly lessened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

iPhones.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Nothing really triggers me except seeing my XWW. 5 years after D, I still hate her guts.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I also dislike triggers and I try to not think about the A but then the trigger slaps me in the face! Here are a few of mine:

1. Went on a camping trip with my bro that H simply INSISTED that I go on while I was camping with no cell service he was out at the bar with ****ty mcbutterpants.
2. Seeing the people that knew what was going on and encouraged it. 
3. The bar they went to that he swore he only knew about because of yelp! He even downloaded the app on the phone and had that bar on the search.
4. The "dumb stuff" they talked about I now HATE football, the movie a clockwork orange, and certain music.
5. When he says "I'm being completely honest with you" I heard it oh about half a dozen times while I kept hearing the truth from others.

The little things they ruin with their stupid decisions. *sigh* please someone tell me that they will go away with time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Seeing him text on his phone... hearing that little ding... or worse, not hearing it, but seeing him pick it up b/c he got a text.

Black Mustangs with white racing stripes (her car)... and I see one every time I look out of my apartment door because one of my neighbors owns it.

Labor Day will likely be one... (D-Day). Our son's birthday (b/c he had sex with her on his first b-day). Probably the whole freaking summer will be hard for me for a while.

Songs that she mentioned to me during the year long friendship that she thought were great sex songs. (Pandora and CDs have become my best friends...)

Red haired women.

Walking into my old house. Her favorite bar.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> Seeing him text on his phone... hearing that little ding... or worse, not hearing it, but seeing him pick it up b/c he got a text.
> 
> Black Mustangs with white racing stripes (her car)... and I see one every time I look out of my apartment door because one of my neighbors owns it.
> 
> ...


Oh, man, that ding noise when she used to text him...I would cringe at that one every time....that was probably the worst one for me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Kentucky Fried Chicken. I can no longer eat it, Which is too bad cuz I really did like fried chicken. Perhaps someday it will no longer be a trigger for me but right now everytime I see a KFC commercial, I just want to take that bucket of chicken and shove it right up his.....you can fill in the rest.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Okay, I'll give it a shot...

Taking a vacation. The last time the family and I ventured out of town, she slipped out of the hotel and hooked up with the OM. I haven't gone on another vacation since.

Indianapolis. Nothing against the city but that was the town we were in. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever I hear that place even mentioned.

Minnesota. The state where the OM lives.

The sight of her on her phone or computer. For obvious reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Hearing his name NEVER fails to stir emotion in me. And if we are together when I hear it, I will look over at her to see if she shows any reaction to it (I do this without her knowledge and if I sense some reaction, i assume it's my imagination and never say anything about it). I don't expect this to end.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

RWB said:


> At least once a month I drive past the "Fairfield Inn" that my WW had her last PA. I read her email talking about how excited she was to see him that day. She stayed all day in the room with him having sex.


The Marriott is one for me. I can't even type what they said in regards to that rendevzous...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

My main trigger is the darn PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE COMMERCIAL. The one were it comes on about the women in line talkn to Flo. the women whos name is Megan,is purchasing new insurance from progressive and her old insurance agents walks up and says her by the wrong name, she corrects him. And then another agent walks up says Meredith whats shaking bacon.. I hate that commerical. First the ow name is of course Meredith.. and her sistes name is.. U guessed it.. Megan.. wich I had to deal with her and her sister.. so thats one of my main triggers. I just want to shoot the TV when that dang commercial comes on.. Of course I switch the station, my remote is starting to smoke bc it seems that commerical comes on every station every 8 minutes..............very bad commerical proggressive.. haha and my car insurance company is Proggresive guess I wont be forgetting that commerical anytime soon... :scratchhead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ah yes, the cell phone. I bugged my hubby for literally YEARS to get a cell phone and he never would. Lo and behold, what do I find out on Dday? He has a secret cell phone.  Must have been quite fun for him keeping it secret for months.

Anyway, he threw it in the garbage and bought a new one and got a new number after D day. Still bugs me when I see him texting on it though.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

It pi**es me off when he sitting there and the commerical comes on, I know he got to be thinking of her.. and the sister he stayed with his ow at the sisters house.. guess him seeing the commercial is a trigger aswell.. O and another one.. My birthday.. Me and the ow have the same birthday... gosh!!!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Wow, Just...the Progressive commercials make me want to put my fist through the tv just because they're annoying as hell. Can't imagine how much worse it would be with such strong triggers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Along with the commerical, which is a big one for me. How in the world did it turn out for ME and the OW to have the EXACT same BIRTHDAYS....:scratchhead:..... Its like the universe is rubbing it in my face ..


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

There are a lot of things that set off triggers for me. My Ws cell phone. The video game Mario Kart Wii, OM#1&2 used to play it a lot at my house with my W. Chrysler 300s which just so happen to be every where. Hearing people even mention the name of this bar that the OM play pool at and drink at quite frequently. Seeing anyone texting while I'm around really bothers me because I think they are texting about me or something, my W and OM#1 used to text constantly, even when they were in the same room at partys or something or even just hanging out at my house.

I have really bad triggers when I have to go play weekend warrior because a friend of ours said that my W had f_cked OM#2 10 minutes after I had left the house to go to drill. Plus I'm sure OM1&2 took advantage of the fact that I was gone for the weekend.

Sometimes just being at work sets off triggers because of how much my W was texting and calling the OM while I was at work. Laying in bed trying to sleep can set off a lot of triggers as well because my W would stay up and hang out with the OM or text them all night.

It's been over a year and I still have tons of triggers, I don't even know what all of them are. Sometimes I trigger and have no clue why.

My triggers dates are way spread out but here are a lot of them. I could probably go on forever. Pretty much Sept - Jan is just a terrible time for me, October being the worst.

July 09 2010 - We had a friend that commit suicide. OM#1 was his best friend and OM#2 was friends with them as well. Befriended OM#1 to try and help him through the loss of our friend.

Aug 21 - My birthday, she had a bunch of people over for a BBQ to surprise me. OM#1&2 were there pretending to be my friends.

Aug 27 - first time W and OM had talked on the phone.

Sept 8 - W went to OM#1s house to watch movies. Almost a year later I found out that she was really over there crying and having an emotional break down and making out with OM#1

Sept 17 - Wife starts at a new job that she got because the owner said she was hot enough to work there. This is where she met OM#3

Sept 20ish- OM#2 moves in because he needed a place to live, I was trying to help him out. W asked if he could and I felt bad for the guy.

Sept 24-27 - I had my wisdom teeth removed and my wife wasn't around to help take care of me so I had to take care of myself, this is when I came to the realization that I had a lot of problems from my tour in Iraq and that our marriage had a lot of problems. I talked to my W about it on the 27th and said I would go to MC and apologized for the way I had been and said I'd do anything to fix it all.

Oct 8 - W calls me up crying because she was so drunk that she was throwing up at work after I had talked to her earlier on in the week about how I didn't want her drinking at work because it wasn't safe. Had to pick her up from work and while she was throwing up at work OM#1 called her phone and asked if she was alright and asked if he needed to come pick her up.

Oct 19 - DDay #1 Found the cell phone bills and show how much my wife had been talking to OM#1, She fought with me and said she wasn't going to stop talking to him and that I shouldn't be mad because he was our friend. He apparenlty wasn't my friend at all... She agreed to NC

Oct 20 - W calls OM a little after I left for work and talked to him for 20 minutes and sent 38 texts back and forth breaking NC. She says it was because she was explaining it all to him.

Oct 22 - We go to my friends birthday party at a bar and the OM was there and he kept looking at my W and occasionally me and then tried sitting next to my wife. Then when we went to leave she asked if she could give the OM a hug, I said hell no and she got way upset about it all.

Oct 26 - W called me crying while I was working because a friend of ours had confronted her about having sex with the OM

Oct 27 - W had a 3 way conversation with our roommate (who turned out to be OM#2) and OM#1

Nov 25 - W wanted to leave her moms house really early to go to her work party. W was texting OM#3 pretty much all day, and it was all about the work party.

Nov 28 - Come home to our friend saying that my W slept with OM#1&2 and that my W told her over the phone about it and how my W also had feelings for OM#3. Told OM#2 to move out of my house and lose her number and forget about her.

Dec 3 - Military Ball, I learned later on that my wife went up to her moms house to use the land line to call OM

Dec 18-25 - Ws B-day & X-mas, I spoiled her rotten, I bought her a whole bunch of movies she wanted and paid for 6 sessions of laser hair removal to help her feel better about herself. Later I find out that not only did she break NC with OM#1&2 but she had told them about the laser hair removal which they had absolutely no reason to know and she shouldn't have been talking to them anyways.

March-May 2011 - Wife chose a job over our marriage, I spent a lot of time by myself and was really depressed. At one point I put a pistol to my head and just about pulled the trigger till I thought about how my friends suicide and how it affected my life.

August 12 2011 - Found out W broke NC and had been talking to OM#1&2 up until at least the beginning of Jan by using the land line at her moms house and her work. Said I wanted a D and told her to move out.

August 21 2011 - Birthday right after the seperation. Terrible day.

Sept 15 2011 - Found out about my W making out with OM#1 a year ago.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Okay, I'll give it a shot...
> 
> Taking a vacation. The last time the family and I ventured out of town, she slipped out of the hotel and hooked up with the OM. I haven't gone on another vacation since.
> 
> ...


no offense but who vacations in Indianapolis?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Plenty of fish.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

My birthday, her church (where we got married) she's a worship leader, I asked him to change his fb pic because it was taken during the affair so he put on of his older pics up with him holding a bass with the word HOT on it (ugg), him not looking on sites, not reading about his infidelity, MY BRAIN, trucks, nissans, flexsteel industries (her job) so funiture in general, talking about it, not talking about it and the list goes on and on....best one, his pic from fb is on a book he wrote during the affair, can't change that one.......


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Plenty of fish.com
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Along with the fleur de livre, Montreal Canadians hockey team, he took our two eldest with him on vacation there, dumped them overnight with his friends son and went out and had a ons. FB I got messages through that my his exgf telling me she slept with him and she wasn't the only one, his FB when I used to check it bc he has several friends who are related to his exgf and share the same last name. But the most profound trigger is his smile, how could he smile when I was hurting so much?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The movies she and I watched. The music she and I listened to. Our favorite foods. The list goes on and on. Fortunately, I'm slowly taking back those things with my girlfriend at my side.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Strange triggers for me,,,,, The days: Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because on call logs those were the days they would talk and text. My husband is a truck driver so he would be able to talk while driving all day long. Then he is home Thursday and Friday and she would be home with husband Friday and Sat. so they couldn't talk on those days.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Any time a nightclub scene comes on TV. Every time a show wants to show someone in a casual hookup they use a nightclub scene.

That and driving by her old party spots.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> no offense but who vacations in Indianapolis?


My point exactly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> My point exactly...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


of all of the trade shows i had to do, Indianpolis was by far the most boring, no offense intended for Hoosiers but I am not a race car fan so there wasn't much to do.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

While texting the other day I was going to text, On my way! big trigger as one of the texts I found on her phone the night of DDay 100 days ago, was from her to Om that said "On my to you" the night she went to his house while I was at my office. Also the term "soul mate" as he texted her like three times using that term, except for he spelled it "sole mate" which makes me laugh and furious at the same time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

triggers for me: blackberry messenger, black men (I wasn't racist before), the city she travelled to for booty calls (which unfortunately is a busy place that gets talked about a ton), bumping into any of her friends and the big one that is really holding me back is when I see any form of flirting, especially if it is alluding to any kind of casual sex (which is so much more common than I realized before).


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Hmmmm, well I guess I have a lot of things that make me remember the OW or the affair . . . dates, songs, hotel, etc. . . but having the truly gut wrenching, sob inducing, back to d-day kind of trigger hasn't happened in a few months. 

I know I'll have another soul crushing trigger again, but it's usually something that evokes the feelings of d-day. There's plenty of reminders, but for me to truly trigger it's usually a feeling/reminder that the OW was important to my H. The last big one was back when my DS was still working at the same company with OW and he saw her in a meeting. They didn't talk, but it was when he told me he felt bad for her because she looked uncomfortable. Expressing lingering concern for the OW makes me trigger like no tomorrow. I sobbed in the shower for 15 minutes.

I'll also trigger if I learn something new about the affair or find something during that time period I didn't know about. I triggered on our summer vacation because of a song the OW told him to download. I brought up the ones I knew about and he remembered a third one. Stupid song was still on his playlist, which was on my iPod. It was a reminder of how much effort he put into their relationship. Downloading songs he didn't even like, because she mentioned it reminded her of "them". I swear, she had the emotional mentality of a teenager. Not to mention bad musical taste. 

Anyway, I know it's just a matter of time before another seemingly inconsequential detail of the affair emerges I didn't know about or I'll remember a lie he told during the affair. It's these new realizations that make me go back to d-day and relive those feelings. Sure it sucks every time I see a Holiday Inn, but I don't actually trigger. Now, if I found a Holiday Inn pen in my H's car . . . I'd trigger. Seeing that my H was on the laptop before I woke up reminds me of the affair (used to send her emails at that time), but I don't trigger. But If I found an old email to the OW he forgot to delete from his sent messages . . . I'd trigger. 

So it seems there's constant reminders, but each time I get reminded it hurts less. Then there's also the huge big time triggers that seem to be happening less frequently and with slightly less intensity. But the holidays coming up might be hard, approaching 1 year mark of d-day. Let's just say I'm really looking forward to getting that first year of recovery under our belt!


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

My triggers are still so fresh. I haven't even had to deal with some of them yet:

Driving by the restaurant where he met her. (the advertisements for it set me off as well)

The hotel where she was staying.

The city she is from.

A large car factory in our city where she was in town working. I see advertisements and hear stuff about it all the time. Even on the interstate I have to pass the signs for the exit. 

He name goes right through me. The girl the does my hair has the same name and a lady I work with does too. I have to say it all the time.

The things I have found out about her. The music groups she likes...the television shows she likes. It makes me so mad because we have so much in common....especially having sex with my husband.

The worst thing is that it took place over our 26th wedding anniversary. He called and texted her the entire time we were out of town on a trip to see our son graduate from college. It fell over our anniversary. I bought him a beautiful watch and he completely ignored it for me. That really stings. I know next year will be hard. We haven't passed that time yet.

There are so many more, these are just a few! It helps to talk about it though. Thanks everyone for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone.


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