# When to speak up and let things slide????



## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

So, I have been thinking. After reading some posts I have more questions. I should say the advice I have read and comments have helped me more then 8 months of therapy. With that being said, I have a question. I do not know what category this falls into, so here goes. 

Since I have implemented some of the steps I have read in different post, I have come to conclusions about me speaking up when something bothers me. Me speaking up in general and saying what is on my mind and getting over my fear of every argument or when she dosent like me she will breakup and leave me I have become a lot more confident in our relationship and myself. I have come to the conclusion if she decides to leave me oh well. She is the one that will be the loser not me, because I know I am a great guy. With that being said. How do you know the difference between something that you should speak up on and things you should let slide. Case in point. My wife was at target last week and ran into an old co-worker. This co-worker is a female and is lesbian. My wife offered her number and told her they should meet up for lunch. My wife told me this. She also told me this old co-worker has hit on her and my wife told her old co-worker before she is not interested and the when my wife switched jobs they lost track of each other. So my wife has been texting her and tried to meet up and this co-worker if she was a guy would seem like she is playing hard to get. Not responding and giving one word replies. So, it seems my wife is the aggressor and I have teased my wife about it and we laugh about it. My wife said she is going to give up, but she has not yet. My wife has been very open with me about it and I have acted like it dosent even bother me or I am not really interested and that seems to cause my wife to open up even more. 

How would people handle this? Should I act like it dosent even faze me and just leave it alone? Or should I say something. The reason I ask is because I have noticed lately when I act like things don't bother me and I don't show my jealous side she has been a lot more affectionate and she even initiates sex. It seems like the more I act like I am above all the petty stuff the more she is drawn towards me. I am afraid if I say something about this, it will cause my hard work to go down the drain. 

Would an Alpha man let something like this even bother him? Does his confidence in himself not let things like this even bother him or even cross his mind? Is this something I should even mention because she has been open and telling me everything going on? Or is my wife probably just wanting to catch up with a friend? She is every friendly. Does she like the idea of having someone else in her life that wants her?

*******Also, my wife has never had any girl on girl and not interested. I did mention on our 10 year we could try it and she without hesitation said "h*** NO". So I am not afraid of my wife having an affair with her. My wife dose not drink or go clubbing so I am not afraid of something happening by "accident".


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's a matter of preference.
Personally I don't like guys who don't speak up their mind. 


Apparently, your wife likes the opposite.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

I am confident. This is why I am confused. Is this something I am just picking at? I do not want to mention this friend if it will cause me to backslide and sound jealous.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> I am confident. This is why I am confused. Is this something I am just picking at? I do not want to mention this friend if it will cause me to backslide and sound jealous.


Even if you sound jealous...

your jealous should not cause your wife any uncomfortable situation if she's being honest with you.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> It's a matter of preference.
> Personally I don't like guys who don't speak up their mind.
> 
> 
> Apparently, your wife likes the opposite.



My wife does also, but I do not speak my mind on everything. I do not want to come off as naggy. If she wears a shirt I dont like and she ask me, I tell her. If she cooks something and asks me what I think, I tell her if I do not like it. Those were hard for me. I use to just say I liked everything and didnt let her know my feelings for fear of her not liking me. I am speaking up more. In this situation, she didnt ask me if she could contact her or be friends with her. So there was no opportunity for me to give my opinion. She didnt ask and I didnt give one.

Is it to late to say something now? Should I say something? In the grand scheme of things, It is 3 on a 1-10 scale of it bothering me.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Not sure if it means that I'm alpha or beta, but I do get accused of being confident to the point of being annoying to my wife, so my instinctive question is 'since its your wife, why are you asking us'?

I do think you are overthinking this. She should be able to answer a basic question as to whether she just valued this person's friendship in the past, and wants to continue it in that way. But if she pursues it after her former friend gives non-committal responses, that seems pretty childish.

With any question that bothers you, I think you have to ask yourself if the situation really matters in the scheme of things. If not, maybe you choose to let it go. If this "friend" she was pursuing was an old flame ... yeah, that matters. 

So, in my opinion, a confident (alpha) way of approaching a situation like this would be to just ask, with no implied distrust, why this friendship is important, just to know. Is it because she valued her friendship in the past? But why would you worry about the possibility of cheating if she is close, connected, and responsive to you as a man and as her husband?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

It's pretty simple. 

If it bothers *you*, say something.

If it doesn't, let it slide.

If she questions why you said something, you need to be confident in your feelings and *why* you expressed them. Be honest about why you said what you said. Discuss without raising defense mechanisms.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Halien said:


> Not sure if it means that I'm alpha or beta, but I do get accused of being confident to the point of being annoying to my wife, so my instinctive question is 'since its your wife, why are you asking us'?
> 
> I do think you are overthinking this. She should be able to answer a basic question as to whether she just valued this person's friendship in the past, and wants to continue it in that way. But if she pursues it after her former friend gives non-committal responses, that seems pretty childish.
> 
> ...



The reason I am asking is because I tend to overreact and over think things as you mentioned. I guess the more I think about it I am not worried about cheating. So, since I am not worried about cheating should I even mention it? If it was a guy flame or something like that, I would be all over it. But since this is something else..... But in the grand scheme of things, her ties to me are not loosened. They seem to be as strong as ever over the last couple of weeks that I have not been wanting to discuss the relationship, get mad over no sex, moddy, etc.... I just did not want to let my own insecurities damage that progress.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> It's pretty simple.
> 
> If it bothers *you*, say something.
> 
> ...


I agree and hear what you are saying. I just do not know if the reasons it bothers me are valid reasons and wont come off as insecure. I have doubt. I do not know if I am talking myself out of saying something because I am afraid. Or if the moment has passed and me saying something is to late.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tommyboy said:


> Is it to late to say something now? Should I say something? In the grand scheme of things, It is 3 on a 1-10 scale of it bothering me.


No it is not. If this bothers you, you should share your feelings with your wife using "I" statements like "I feel ... when ...". Honest sharing builds intimacy and helps both you and your wife and your marriage.

Personally, I wouldn't like this situation at all. I would say "you know, I'm really not feeling all that comfortable with ..." and let it go at that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> In this situation, she didnt ask me if she could contact her or be friends with her. So there was no opportunity for me to give my opinion. She didnt ask and I didnt give one.


You don't need to wait and speak up your mind only when your wife asks you to do so.
I don't agree with this. You should be able to say it even when you're not asked about it because partners should be open to each other and express things that don't make them comfortable. Maybe your wife is not realizing that this is not a comfortable situation for you and she doesn't mind asking. 
She thinks this is not a big deal to you, when in fact it is. 

If she gets bothered by you being open to her then be a man and tell her that IT'S YOUR RIGHT to let her know what bothers you in your relationship.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> I agree and hear what you are saying. I just do not know if the reasons it bothers me are valid reasons and wont come off as insecure. I have doubt. I do not know if I am talking myself out of saying something because I am afraid. Or if the moment has passed and me saying something is to late.


Again, if it bothers *you*, its valid. It doesn't matter who else thinks its valid.

Your fear comes from the urge to please and always make things "right". What you have done is built a house of straw. 

By always worrying about saying what *she* will view as right, you have compromised your own value.

When you compromise your own value, she will view that as a weakness. By saying what *you* truly feel, without concern for her validation, you will act and feel more confident in your positions.

If your relationship can't survive who you really are, then you won't ever be truly happy if you stay in it. The converse is that when you are honest with yourself and everyone else, your happiness isn't dependent on others.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What are you really worried about? What is it about THIS woman that threatens you? Is is that your wife is actively pursuing her? What? I'm confused. What am I missing?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I kinda feel like the elephant in the room is being ignored. Or maybe I just have a dirty mind. Would you be willing to parlay this into a three-way situation?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> What are you really worried about? What is it about THIS woman that threatens you? Is is that your wife is actively pursuing her? What? I'm confused. What am I missing?


OK, glad I wasn't the only one that was confused, lol.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> I am confident. This is why I am confused. Is this something I am just picking at? I do not want to mention this friend if it will cause me to backslide and sound jealous.


If you are truly confident you do not care if you sound jealous or not. If you have a concern then bring it up. Just don't be a chick about it. Ask her why she is pursuing this woman so vigorously. No fear.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Confidence and humor. Both are very disarming.

And I agree with the others. You are way over-thinking it. Does your analysis have a point of concern?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> The reason I am asking is because I tend to overreact and over think things as you mentioned. I guess the more I think about it I am not worried about cheating. So, since I am not worried about cheating should I even mention it? If it was a guy flame or something like that, I would be all over it. But since this is something else..... But in the grand scheme of things, her ties to me are not loosened. They seem to be as strong as ever over the last couple of weeks that I have not been wanting to discuss the relationship, get mad over no sex, moddy, etc.... I just did not want to let my own insecurities damage that progress.


Be the man. Stop over thinking things. Stop being insecure about being insecure. Be confident.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tommyboy said:


> I agree and hear what you are saying. I just do not know if the reasons it bothers me are valid reasons and wont come off as insecure. I have doubt. I do not know if I am talking myself out of saying something because I am afraid. Or if the moment has passed and me saying something is to late.


If it bothers you, it's valid by definition. The reason this would bother me is that it presents an opportunity for someone with an agenda to get in front of my wife and diss me


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> Be the man. Stop over thinking things. Stop being insecure about being insecure. Be confident.


Confidence is king.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Entropy3000 said:


> Just don't be a chick about it.


:rofl:That made me lol. No disrespect to the ladies, but that's funny.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> I just do not know if the reasons it bothers me are valid reasons


Wow... I'd love to get some clarification on that. What, exactly, in your mind is a "valid" reason? When is honesty "not valid". 

You might ponder the difference between the two words "valid" and "correct". They are not one and the same.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Before you started over thinking, what was your initial gut reaction?

Trust your gut...


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## Batman64 (Nov 25, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> The reason I am asking is because I tend to overreact and over think things as you mentioned. I guess the more I think about it I am not worried about cheating. So, since I am not worried about cheating should I even mention it? If it was a guy flame or something like that, I would be all over it. But since this is something else..... But in the grand scheme of things, her ties to me are not loosened. They seem to be as strong as ever over the last couple of weeks that I have not been wanting to discuss the relationship, get mad over no sex, moddy, etc.... I just did not want to let my own insecurities damage that progress.


 Total **** test...let it slide.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

So this morning, So yesteday after work my wife and I were driving around and she mentioned how this person has been texting her non stop all day. Saying stuff like, "hey, you havent got back with me about lunch, I would love to have lunch with your kids and mine, why havent you responded, Where have you been, You are the same ole person smh". This person sent all these text and my wife didn't respond. Now, One thing i know about my wife is she hates people texting her back to back when she hasn't responded. After waking up I casually mentioned what is up with her and this person? Why did she want to get into contact with her. I asked why did she give her, her number? I said I do not understand. She answered surprised and said this is what people do. She was an old freind and she just wanted to meetup. So, I guess my wife didnt see anything wrong with it. My wife just wanted to be friends. So, when my wife was making me breakfast she told me she got another text late last night from this person just saying " bye". My wife said whatever, this person is acting to weird anyway and I just laughed.

So, I guess the lesson I learned in this whole situation is I need to trust my wife. No we haven't talked about boundaries, but 9 out of 10 times my overreaction is from things and situations I make up in my own mind. Not to sweat the small stuff like her running into an old co-worker. 

******If it was a guy, this would have been very different.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Thank God it's not a guy. 

Have you seen this girl and what she looks like? 

It happens that sometimes cheating wives change their OM's name into a girl name. 

Just making sure here..


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> Wow... I'd love to get some clarification on that. What, exactly, in your mind is a "valid" reason? When is honesty "not valid".
> 
> You might ponder the difference between the two words "valid" and "correct". They are not one and the same.



This is one area I am having the most difficulty. Valid and Correct. example... My wife teasing me about something I said may cause me to to be insecure. Me saying, "hey, you hurt my feelings" is not a valid response because it make me look like I have thin skin and weak. I have a hard time determining when I should say something because of my own built up fear and insecurity and when a situation arises that I should say something. I tend to over think these things. Is there a rule of thumb to go by.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Thank God it's not a guy.
> 
> Have you seen this girl and what she looks like?
> 
> ...


No, I haven't seen this person. But based on past behavior my wife would rather omit the truth meaning she would not tell me this whole situation or she would tell me the truth. She would not lie straight out. That is not her style. I have never caught her lying before.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> No, I haven't seen this person. But based on past behavior my wife would rather omit the truth meaning she would not tell me this whole situation or she would tell me the truth. She would not lie straight out. .


Omitting the truth is still a lie.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Omitting the truth is still a lie.


I agree. But I would drive myself crazy ans sick having constant negative assumptions. I am trying to get over that now. So for now, I will assume my wife is not doing anything she shouldn't be doing until I have proof otherwise.

Isnt that the only way to stay sane?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tommyboy said:


> No, I haven't seen this person. But based on past behavior my wife would rather omit the truth meaning she would not tell me this whole situation or she would tell me the truth. She would not lie straight out. That is not her style. I have never caught her lying before.


Oh .... well then ask your wife if you can have her number, and if she's hot, because apparently ... 'that's just what people do.' And you would like to meet your wife's hot lesbian friend.

Work on the humor piece. Do not rest your self-esteem within the hands of your wife, especially if she is prone to dropping it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> So this morning, So yesteday after work my wife and I were driving around and she mentioned how this person has been texting her non stop all day. Saying stuff like, "hey, you havent got back with me about lunch, I would love to have lunch with your kids and mine, why havent you responded, Where have you been, You are the same ole person smh". This person sent all these text and my wife didn't respond. Now, One thing i know about my wife is she hates people texting her back to back when she hasn't responded. After waking up I casually mentioned what is up with her and this person? Why did she want to get into contact with her. I asked why did she give her, her number? I said I do not understand. She answered surprised and said this is what people do. She was an old freind and she just wanted to meetup. So, I guess my wife didnt see anything wrong with it. My wife just wanted to be friends. So, when my wife was making me breakfast she told me she got another text late last night from this person just saying " bye". My wife said whatever, this person is acting to weird anyway and I just laughed.
> 
> So, I guess the lesson I learned in this whole situation is I need to trust my wife. No we haven't talked about boundaries, but 9 out of 10 times my overreaction is from things and situations I make up in my own mind. Not to sweat the small stuff like her running into an old co-worker.
> 
> ******If it was a guy, this would have been very different.


Interesting. The lesson I got is that you need to communicate with your wife. Not saying you should not trust her. How about you have an ongoing dialogue and talk about this kind of stuff. You know, whatever stuff. That way there is less tension about things. Stay plugged in. This does not seem to be reason to disengage. That is my point.

You were also validated that there was an issue. You gut was right. The lady was creepy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> This is one area I am having the most difficulty. Valid and Correct. example... My wife teasing me about something I said may cause me to to be insecure. Me saying, "hey, you hurt my feelings" is not a valid response because it make me look like I have thin skin and weak. I have a hard time determining when I should say something because of my own built up fear and insecurity and when a situation arises that I should say something. I tend to over think these things. Is there a rule of thumb to go by.


Yup. Speak your mind. Stop the fear. Work on your confidence.

Why guy things do you do that build your confidence?

Do you work out? Are you really good at your work? What make you special?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> Is there a rule of thumb to go by.


Well, there is for me.

A) Honesty is the best policy... the more the better
B) Honesty needs to be spoken in a loving, non-confrontational sort of way.

Between those two, whatever it is you are thinking and/or feeling is _automatically_ valid. It may later prove to be incorrect but last I checked "being wrong" was a fact of the human condition.

Let's look at it the other way. So suppose I had some important feeling that I did NOT tell Carol. What that means is that I am hiding my very self from her. She's not in a relationship with me. She's in a relationship with some fictional character of hers and my devising. I prefer real relationships based upon... well... reality.

If your wife (or anyone else) attacks you for speaking your mind in an open, non-confrontational way then THEY are the ones who are in the wrong... period. At that point, you may consider your wife to be your enemy rather than your partner. Then you may do whatever it is you do with enemies.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> I agree. But I would drive myself crazy ans sick having constant negative assumptions. I am trying to get over that now. So for now, I will assume my wife is not doing anything she shouldn't be doing until I have proof otherwise.
> 
> Isnt that the only way to stay sane?


The bottom line is that as long as your wife does not have a bisexual orientation and assuming that the other person behind this story is A FEMALE indeed, then there's nothing to worry about.

I agree about the humor side. Throw it to your wife out there and see her reaction.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yup. Speak your mind. Stop the fear. Work on your confidence.
> 
> Why guy things do you do that build your confidence?
> 
> Do you work out? Are you really good at your work? What make you special?


I do not do anything for myself. I try to volunteer every once in a while. But no physical activity. I am very good at my job. That was one of the things my wife liked about me so much when we first meet. I am very assertive there. But at home, I am very laid back. I do not take much initiative, I have been working on this a lot and it has gotten much better. I did tell her when we first meet, I like to relax at home. So, I kinda let her take charge which i am learning was a big mistake.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> The bottom line is that as long as your wife does not have a bisexual orientation and assuming that the other person behind this story is A FEMALE indeed, then there's nothing to worry about.
> 
> I agree about the humor side. Throw it to your wife out there and see her reaction.


Well the humor part is what seems to be working. We talked about it yesterday after work and we just laughed about it. This person asked her for a picture for her caller ID. I was teasing my wife and telling her this is what I would do If i was trying to get at a girl. Thats how it starts. My wife thought it was funny and we just went back and forth about what this lady would like to do with her. She told me she wasnt going to send her a picture. My wife told me this morning she told her she dosent want a picture of her ugly self. (my wife is a pretty woman.) So, my wife also mentioned she wonders how the woman is going to react when she finds out she is married. My wife said she wants to see the look on her face to see if this lady is going to give some weird look. So this lets me believe my wife just wants to be friends and nothing more. My wife told me this unprompted. So, the humor and me acting like it dosent bother me seems to be working.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Humor is definitely key, good stuff.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the advice and comments everyone.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tommyboy said:


> So, my wife also mentioned she wonders how the woman is going to react when she finds out she is married. .


Wait a second....
this lady doesn't know your wife is married??

Doesn't your wife keep a marriage ring???
If she had kept it then I'm sure this lady would have noticed it by now..


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