# Advice on Life Issues



## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Hi, This is not a marriage or relationship question, so I hope it's ok to post here. I'm in my mid 30s, married, no kids, work full time. Me & my husband work together,which is an hour away from home. We've worked at the same place for 9 years. Now, on to my issues. The 2 main things that I am going through is 1.) I have no female friends to talk to, hang out with chat with online or anyone really besides my husband. The couple of the friends that I did have has got families of their own & that takes up their time. My husband's friends' wives are pretty much the same way always busy with taking kids places and doing things at school. I don't really get along with my own family so I have cut ties with them years ago. My husband's family they are ok to be around but not necessarily people I would feel comfortable confiding in, not to mention there's not a whole lot that we have in common. The place I work is kind of like a factory so pretty much a gossip mill there & everyone is older than I am so we don't have common interests. 
2.) I think I may be having an early mid life crisis? That's the only thing I can think of is to why I feel so alone & like I have no life. I have worked in factories all my life, I have no other experience there is not a whole lot in the small town we live in which is why me & H has been commuting an hour away for 9yrs. It really feels like we have no life because we are gone 10 hrs a day, then on the wk/ends we are playing catch up on chores/bills, etc. My husband goes to his friends or his friends come here & sometimes I just wish I had a friend to talk to, hang out with, vent to & but my time is spent mostly just vegging out & scanning all my social media sites. I don't even have a fb friend to talk to. I have over 200 friends, 14 are H's family,friends the rest are people that added for games or maybe heard a podcast they have done or something. I sometimes want to have a girlfriend to rant about my H's annoying habits, or co-worker's gossiping antics. I have tried getting out & making friends but the issue I have come across so many times is that the people I can see myself getting along with are the ones w/so much on their plate with kids,families & stuff. It's hard to keep in touch.
I'm just wanting some kind of insight or opinions. I do see a counselor for depression & I have tried things she suggested. I'm just tired of feeling alone & not having anyone to talk to. I am active on Twitter fb not so much. 
Have you ever been through this point in your life where you feel like you have nothing but work, home, sleep? Could I be having an early mid-life crisis? Any & all opinions are welcomed.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Take a college course in SOMETHING you enjoy.... because no matter how old or young the other students are, you are all there for the same reason.... something in common instantly. 

Join a league... bowling, darts, softball, volleyball, etc.... then it's almost like your very own date-nite! You get to go have fun doing what you love on a set night each week! 

Take a class at the gym. Not too expensive and gives you some more chance of meeting other girls. 

Volunteer at a cause that you support. It feels good to give back to the community, and you can meet like minded people. 

Google... meetup.com see if there are any in your area. Instant friend possibilities.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Thanks Sunny. As I said I work an hour away from home and I am gone 10 or more hours a day. Plus, good ideas, but after working 9-10 hrs a day I don't feel much like doing sports activities. I have joined the gym I actually still go, been going about 2 yrs now. Most women go there with a group of friends do their workout, not to socialize. College, again, no time because of work.& I can't quit. I've been there going on 10 yrs. so unless I find something (which I've constantly been looking) that will be a little bit of free time.
Thanks for your quick response.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I think this may be one of 'those' areas where you have to *MAKE* time. 

I think taking classes is a great idea. You can even take them online. Even one class once a week for a few weeks. They have weekend classes, too! 

One thing is for certain: There are only so many hours in a day. You may have to sacrifice something to do something different (trading your gym time for a class to learn sign language, for example)

Also...do you have any goals for your life? I know that life can become pretty mundane if you're basically 'living to work'. Personally, BTDT, and it SUX! 

Perhaps if you set aside some time to consider what you really want out of life, and then start to 'design' your current life around getting your _future_ life. 

Hang in there!

Vega

Maybe it's time to


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

May one ask why you dont have kids.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

To Accept1: Me & H really never wanted kids. 
To: Vega The community college hours conflicts with my work hours. Besides, the classes are like 2 to three hours I only go to the gym 30 to 45 min. Believe me, I have exhausted all the logical ideas & took suggestions from my counselor. I guess the reason I wanted to post is to see if anyone else has ever been in this type of situation. I wake up everyday with dread, go to work depressed, & feel so alone & end up crying all the time. I don't know.....
Thank you for your response & ideas.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ok you might not like what I have to say but I think you really need to hear it.

I notice that you don't get along with your own family......whats up with that and you cut ties with them ....again whats up with that?

no female friends ....hmmm

husbands family is ok to be around BUT.....again hmmmm.
husband has friends and hangs out with them . But you don't hang out with husbands wifes friends.....hmmm
I see a pattern here maybe just maybe the real problem is you.

oh my god did I just say that ....yes I did.

every group of friends has one person who thinks nobody wants to be their friend or feels everybody doesn't get along with them . but my experiance has been its usually that person who is exhibiting some sort of charachater flaw that the people around you pick up on so they feel uncomfortable and start to distance themselves.

maybe I'm way off base but I would really think about it. 

are you friendly and interested in what other have to say?
do you manipulate the conversation to things about what you like to talk about and not give others a chance to have their say?
are you a one upper where your stories always are more fantastic than everybodys elses.
are you too blunt and turn people off by not having tact.


I not a physicologist but I did sleep at a holiday inn last night!

on a side note about 20yrs ago an older coworker pulled me aside and gave me this same conversation. At first I was offended until I started to pay attentinn. and low and behold I was exhibiting some (not all) of these traits. I started to check myself and gave other people their fair share the the conversation I didn't care if I hada story that was better I'd just laugh and comment about their stry. pretty soon people would tell me what a good listener I was and how fum I was to talk too.

worth thinking about.


good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The hard part is the no kids thing. I remember feeling that way when I was in my mid 30's and I resolved it by having kids. Yeah I'm no help am I? LOL

Ended up making friends with other moms, being busy with my kids lives, and my life had more meaning that just work/sleep/husband.

Not saying you have to have kids I'm just saying you're going to have to dig DEEP to find meaning in your life given your chosen vocation, where you live and your extended family situation.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

To ChillyMorn: I appreciate your input. I cut ties with my family because my mom was verbally abusive, my brothers, & cousins etc. used me for borrowing money, or needing a ride somewhere. I only heard from them when they needed something. Then because they didn't always get their way they became hard to get along with. Eventually I just couldn't handle it & wrote each an email expressing my feelings & told them if they couldn't treat me better then I was cutting ties with them. That's exactly what I did. My in-LAWS we are friendly and get along & hang out but as far as having common interests, they are churchy- going people, they don't go to concerts or play on any games or do the social media stuff, they don't hang out and go get manicures, pedicures, I'm sure they don't want to hear about our hangovers & H's love habits, & stuff like that so Conversations are limited there. As far as coworkers go, I am friendly easy to get along with, I just don't participate in their gossip chats, & you never want to confide in people you work with. 
Ok, the H's Friend's wives: We are on a friendly type basis but as far as hanging out just the guys do that. Since all of them have other things to do they are happy to get rid of their husbands for a few hours. The guys all grew up together when they got married the wives never hang out like you would see on a tv show. Years ago we hung out just on rare occasions but not like a close -knit family friend situation. 
I did have girlfriends years ago before they all had kids. But it got to where something always came up & we just grew apart. 
Me & H had a bad childhood & a hard time we just always agreed we didn't want kids. Things are going horrible in the world today to want to have a child.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's kind of like a midlife crisis in that you have reached a point where you realize life won't magically bring you happiness and that you have to make your happiness.

Bravo to you for actually trying to do something about it!

Have you checked out socialmeetup.com go there and enter your city, scroll through the list to find groups that interest you.

Oops, try this: www.social.meetup.com


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I second Meetup. Fun stuff, and plenty of my interest groups have nighttime meetups.

Reaching out is a PITA sometimes, I'll vouch. I'm really hermit-y by nature. Once I do it, though? It's ON!

And yes, in my case it was all me. I read too much into people's responses and didn't reach out in fun often enough. I've also ditched a boatload of toxic friends the past two years or so. Meetups and just hanging at the coffee shop saved me.

OP, it might mean adjusting work hours to allow time for you. All adults need to play.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Thanks....I will try the meetup site....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you hang out with your girlfriends, maybe even a kid thing/event? 
Get a new hobby, join a meetup group, volunteer somewhere, help out with a cause, join a gym, start your own group. Network!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you are an atheist or agnostic, just ignore this post...(skip)....but I'd think finding a nice church to attend ...on a Sunday morning...could be an idea.... 

This is a great place to make new friends with others who will gravitate to you as you walk through the door...as they are supposed to "reach out" and make you feel at home ....of course some places are not as friendly as others...

Ours was always very friendly ...some churches offer a variety of little groups, programs you can get involved in... ..various breakfast's (like a Sat morning possibly).....Marriage groups, Study groups... etc etc. (Though you may be working on some of those nights). 

I've made a variety of long term friends over the years through the activities offered at our Church...and you'll find all walks of life there.... from some very odd people, to funny, warm & friendly, to on the quiet side, stiff necked... all walks of life...and they all have others interests - once you start talking to them... 

I am not even a christian anymore , but I still go now & then...what do I miss the most.. the people ~ my old friends ~ the fellowship!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lillie said:


> To ChillyMorn: I appreciate your input. I cut ties with my family because my mom was verbally abusive, my brothers, & cousins etc. used me for borrowing money, or needing a ride somewhere. I only heard from them when they needed something. Then because they didn't always get their way they became hard to get along with. Eventually I just couldn't handle it & wrote each an email expressing my feelings & told them if they couldn't treat me better then I was cutting ties with them. That's exactly what I did. My in-LAWS we are friendly and get along & hang out but as far as having common interests, they are churchy- going people, they don't go to concerts or play on any games or do the social media stuff, they don't hang out and go get manicures, pedicures, I'm sure they don't want to hear about our hangovers & H's love habits, & stuff like that so Conversations are limited there. As far as coworkers go, I am friendly easy to get along with, I just don't participate in their gossip chats, & you never want to confide in people you work with.
> Ok, the H's Friend's wives: We are on a friendly type basis but as far as hanging out just the guys do that. Since all of them have other things to do they are happy to get rid of their husbands for a few hours. The guys all grew up together when they got married the wives never hang out like you would see on a tv show. Years ago we hung out just on rare occasions but not like a close -knit family friend situation.
> I did have girlfriends years ago before they all had kids. But it got to where something always came up & we just grew apart.
> Me & H had a bad childhood & a hard time we just always agreed we didn't want kids. Things are going horrible in the world today to want to have a child.


maybe your child would be the one who makes a difference


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi Lillie.. just wanted to say I know how you feel about not having girlfriends to talk to or hang out with. I've never gotten along with females, and friendships with men can get awkward.. most of them want to be more than friends eventually. I'm in my later 20's now and realizing I need to meet some good girl friends. I need a support system outside of family and my fiance. So I'm on the same page!


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Hi Swade. Thanks for that. It really is hard finding someone trustworthy to be friends with. That's exactly what I need a good support system outside of my H and his family. Hope you had a great day .


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lillie said:


> The couple of the friends that I did have has got families of their own & that takes up their time. My husband's friends' wives are pretty much the same way always busy with taking kids places and doing things at school.
> 
> It really feels like we have no life because we are gone 10 hrs a day, then on the wk/ends we are playing catch up on chores/bills, etc. My husband goes to his friends or his friends come here & sometimes I just wish I had a friend to talk to, hang out with, vent to & but my time is spent mostly just vegging out & scanning all my social media sites.
> 
> ...


Hey Lillie, what things did you try that your counselor suggested and what was the result?

Many of us working full-time means our days usually are 10-12hours. 

I have friends who have children and babies. Catching up with them hasn't been difficult and the reason being, the children are included in our plans. For dinners out (no kids), or to see a show, we arrange weeks in advance. Sometimes plans are rescheduled last minute and that's okay as we still make time and effort to get together. My husband and I mostly socialize as a couple and meeting up with other couples who have families is fun. We'll arrange to meet for home-cooked breakfast and then head to the park afterwards. The difference with my friends who don't have children, is the ability to be spontaneous.

Chores can be done in the evening, a bit at at time after work, or in one hit on the weekend. I'll admit by the weekend, I'm usually pretty exhausted from the week. It can be energizing to be around friends. We share in a lot of joy, laughter and supportive conversation.

I'm curious with the ladies you know who have families, why mutual effort can't be made? When your husband meets up with their husbands why not suggest that you do something in particular with one of the wives? 

You mentioned you wanted someone to vent about your husband to. I don't do this with girlfriends. Are there things you need to resolve with your husband instead? 

A hobby, sharing and learning a skill with others, or having volunteer involvement, particularly where you're thinking of something outside yourself, is a great way to meet new people. To have a common goal that connects you.

Feeling overwhelmed through depression is a different story.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lillie said:


> I have joined the gym I actually still go, been going about 2 yrs now. Most women go there with a group of friends do their workout, not to socialize.


With the gym, there's usually a familiar group going to the classes. While not there to socialize, there's something to be said for being open and engaging. When recognizing someone from the previous week, just saying hello or smiling! Having a laugh during Zumba or a simple chat after yoga. It's just building rapport and as jellybeans said, networking!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Any chance to ever move closer to your work? It seems that that 2 hours a day commuting really cuts into time you could have for classes and friends. Also, I think there are "childless by choice" groups out there. That might be a way of meeting friends that don't have all their time committed to young kids.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Wow, some of you really think I am either dumb & just cannot think logically or just haven't even thought of these ideas before.
To: Heartsbeating: My friends before, we were all on different schedules. I worked 2nds them first plus the kids. I at the time also worked Saturdays. So, we did try to meet up, & include the kids I didn't say we never did it's just eventually when things were hectic & busy we just lost touch. That happens ya know. Not all of us can be as organized & swing things around as u & your friends did. Before this is asked, yes I have tried to contact them & I may get a post once a week on fb from them. As far as venting about my husband, I just used that as kind of an example that I wouldn't want to talk to my inlaws about him. As far as the husband's wives, The guys get together & play xbox online, if they don't do that, they come over here to our house drink let loose a little bit after they get off work. My counselor suggested taking a class at our rec. center. I did that for a month. It wasn't a bad experience but most were grandmas with their grandkids. I learned how to latch hook, & cross stitch. I've went to a baby shower that my landlord was giving her granddaughter, my counselor thought it would be a good way to meet new people who actually live near me. It was ok I got along with everyone. I stayed til it was over (I had planned on leaving early). Different things like that I did & when an opportunity comes up I will go do other things.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I take your above comment to be directed at me. Take it easy, tiger. I was going by the information given in your original post and trying to help. You asked for opinions, I gave mine. I wouldn't know what you have considered before; you're the one asking for help on this. 

It's good that you are accepting invitations and trying different things. I have nothing else to offer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> It's kind of like a midlife crisis in that you have reached a point where you realize life won't magically bring you happiness and that you have to make your happiness.
> 
> Bravo to you for actually trying to do something about it!
> 
> ...


There is a very good site at Find Meetup Groups near you - Meetup I find this one much easier to use.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Thank you Heartsbeating & Ellegirl. I really appreciate both of your advice. Have a great day.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Lillie said:


> Wow, some of you really think I am either dumb & just cannot think logically or just haven't even thought of these ideas before.


Why did you ask then?

I would just say though that you might not want to automatically eliminate a potential friend based on age. One of my good friends (the type you can call and vent to about life, husband, kids, etc) is in her mid thirties. I am 51. She had kids early. I had mine later. Other than age, we have a lot in common.

With no kids, you might find you have more in common with an older crowd who are now empty nesters.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> Why did you ask then?
> 
> I would just say though that you might not want to automatically eliminate a potential friend based on age. One of my good friends (the type you can call and vent to about life, husband, kids, etc) is in her mid thirties. I am 51. She had kids early. I had mine later. Other than age, we have a lot in common.
> 
> With no kids, you might find you have more in common with an older crowd who are now empty nesters.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I asked because I was hoping to that someone that has actually been through this could give me some insight of how they dealt with it. I mainly posted the question because not just to find ideas in how to meet people but maybe someone who may feel the same way I do. Depressed; lonely; & having a hard time dealing with this alone & not having anyone who know exactly how I feel. I'm at the point in my life where I feel like Im just working and sleeping. This I know is something I will have to change. I was just hoping for Some insight if anyone else has been through it. I dont mean to sound smart or hateful....Im sorry if I come across that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I signed uo for the meet up and my first meet up outing is this Saturday. Yay! A group of 6 women actually in my area. So thanks for referring me to this site. Have an awesome week guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Glad you're doing something proactive! I'm sure it feels good to have a plan. 

Frankly, I'm sure most of us have felt this way at one time. The only thing you can do is stop the self-pity party and get up and do something about it! You have a lot of good suggestions here so it's just putting them into action. It's easier to not do anything about it; but, then again, it's more fun to be happy with where you are in life!


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