# Beginning of divorce - going to be a long year



## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

Hello all! Hoping I can find some people with similar situations or advice for me. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and have two boys together (11 & 14). Our marriage has been rocky for a long time (8-10 years), he has cheated once before and we have always tried to work through it for the kids and financial reasons. I liked being able to work part time and be home with my boys as much as I could. I was willing to make this work until the kids were off the college, but I found out he has been dating someone over a year now. I don't mind that he is moving on, but I was raised that you there you have a moral obligation to do things the right way. We have talked about it at length and we have agreed to get a divorce next year. This gives me time to get a full time job and establish a foundation to get my own mortgage. Also, both our boys will have big school moves in the fall and we feel a divorce will add stress to an already big change in their lives. We are planning to live together until the house is sold and the divorce is final (he has been living in the basement for a couple years now anyways). I have comes to terms of the fact that I am dealing with him seeing someone else, while I am able to make myself financially secured, but it drives me crazy that he thinks I should be happy for him that he has moved on. He think what he was doing for the past year was okay because we didn't have a happy marriage, and he has every right to do what he is doing. UGH! Anyone else going through or gone through this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome, @happydaisy93 Lots of people here have been where you are and they'll be able to offer you the help and advice that you need.

I'll move your post to the best section on TAM where you will receive the collective wisdom of your fellow TAM members.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

happydaisy93 said:


> He think what he was doing for the past year was okay because we didn't have a happy marriage, and he has every right to do what he is doing. UGH! Anyone else going through or gone through this?


Got a line similar to that one. Pretty typical cheaterspeak of entitlement and rationalization.

Let him think what he wants, but he’s got no right telling you to be happy for him.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

While it's great that you are trying to become financially stable, you also deserve to have some help from him along the way. Working part time to take care of the kids means you traded your ability to have a high salary for having your kids well cared for. He doesn't get to just walk away and call it even. It's going to take a while for you to get a full-time job that will pay a salary that you can use to support yourself. You should be entitled to alimony or something to help you during that time. Also, be sure you understand how the assets will be split. 

Be sure you understand your rights and what you are entitled to in a divorce. Talk to a divorce attorney. Many of them offer a free consultation, so you don't necessarily have to worry about cost. Because this is such a strange scenario you're in, I think you should use an attorney rather than try something like mediation. You probably would do better having someone looking out for your interests rather than trying mediation. Even if the attorney costs more up front, you'll likely end up better in the long run.


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

Thank you MattMatt. I am hopeful to get some advice along the way.


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

wilson said:


> While it's great that you are trying to become financially stable, you also deserve to have some help from him along the way. Working part time to take care of the kids means you traded your ability to have a high salary for having your kids well cared for. He doesn't get to just walk away and call it even. It's going to take a while for you to get a full-time job that will pay a salary that you can use to support yourself. You should be entitled to alimony or something to help you during that time. Also, be sure you understand how the assets will be split.
> 
> Be sure you understand your rights and what you are entitled to in a divorce. Talk to a divorce attorney. Many of them offer a free consultation, so you don't necessarily have to worry about cost. Because this is such a strange scenario you're in, I think you should use an attorney rather than try something like mediation. You probably would do better having someone looking out for your interests rather than trying mediation. Even if the attorney costs more up front, you'll likely end up better in the long run.


We will make a rather large amount from the house when we sell it, which we will split evenly. I do plan on talking with a lawyer, at least for a free consultation. As of right now we agree how everything will be split, including child support payments once the divorce is final. I have thought about asking for alimony as well if I don’t make enough to support myself. He seems pretty agreeable to everything I ask for now, but I am worried that as “she” becomes more involved in his life, that might change. Thank you for all the advice!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How are you feeling about living together with him after making this decision? It sounds like you've kind of been living separate lives for a while, so maybe it's not such a big deal. But as things progress in the process, feelings may change. 

@notmyjamie is a poster here who is also going through a divorce while living with her spouse. She may be able to provide some advice on that scenario.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

happydaisy93 said:


> We will make a rather large amount from the house when we sell it, which we will split evenly. I do plan on talking with a lawyer, at least for a free consultation. As of right now we agree how everything will be split, including child support payments once the divorce is final. I have thought about asking for alimony as well if I don’t make enough to support myself. He seems pretty agreeable to everything I ask for now, but I am worried that as “she” becomes more involved in his life, that might change. Thank you for all the advice!


Get it all done right now while there's goodwill on his part. That can change in an instant, especially when there's another person hovering in the wings waiting to get more involved. Get spousal support to help you until you find full time employment. If one of you can buy the other out of the house, that might work better than selling it entirely.

As long as you are honest and open with the kids, they will adjust better than if you held onto misery any longer than needed, and kept life-shattering information to yourself.

"Kids - you probably noticed that your dad and I have been roommates instead of spouses for a while now. We're going to make it official now, as he has a girlfriend he would prefer to be with. We'll be living in separate homes soon, and you two will go back and forth in a way that works out best for all of us. You can help us figure that part out."


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

Living together has it pros and cons. It is good in terms of financial reasons. He doesn’t make enough to support two households, so even if i asked for spousal support we would be stretching it really thin and I don’t know that I am willing to live that way. It is also good to have each other around for the kids extra activities, both boys are huge into sports and other activities that we need to team work to get them from place to place. So being all at one house has it advantages for that. 
Cons is the obvious, we don’t want to be together anymore. There are plenty of times that i cannot stand the sight of his face and want to punch him! But we have been living this way for so long so it has become normal for us. We make it work for the most part.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cheaters tend to worship but one thing and that is themselves. It is all about me me me me me with them. 

So yeah, if he is having fun and happiness with this other chick then he is going to want you pat him on the back and wish him luck and maybe even suck his #$#@ as a congratulations present. 

This is just part and parcel of their selfishness and entitlement. 

As far as your other issues, your marriage is dead and is just waiting for the final funeral arrangements and burial. It is all legal and financial paperwork now so the courthouse can get caught up. 

I agree with Wilson, get a competent divorce attorney and make sure you are getting a fair settlement and getting what you are legally entitled to. 

Right now is the time to strike because he is full of feel-good hormones from banging the OW and he thinks the quicker and easier he gets away from you the sooner he can be with his twu wuv and live blissfully ever after so he may be more willing to sign whatever will get him into her house the soonest. 

I don't believe in trying to use divorce settlements as a means to 'punish' WS's as in the end that usually just ends up putting more $$ in the lawyer's pockets and leaves the BS with less than they would've gotten just walking away with their fair half. 

But if he wants to leave so bad he's willing to throw in a few extra tidbits to get you out of his hair - go for it!!!

(just be aware that the judge probably won't sign off on an agreement that is too imbalanced because once the thrill of the new GF wears off or if they split in a few months, he will be coming back protesting the court and you'll just have to go through it all over again) 

Take your fair share and whatever extra trinkets he wants to throw in and walk away and begin your new life of freedom and opportunity and don't look back.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

wilson said:


> @notmyjamie is a poster here who is also going through a divorce while living with her spouse. She may be able to provide some advice on that scenario.


My situation is a little bit different in that I have a separate apartment from my husband. If we didn't have this, I'd want to sell and move on now as opposed to waiting for my youngest to graduate before we sell. I couldn't do this if we were occupying the same living space.

There are definitely pros and cons to an in house separation. For me, the biggest pro is that I haven't had to completely upset my children's lives. They are able to continue living in this town with all their friends and finish out high school where they started. They still have their own rooms they've had since they were born. Another pro is that it's easy for my STBX and I to share responsibilities for the kids but that can come with a pitfall if you don't have good enough communication. We haven't been good about making a true "custody" schedule and so there have been times I'm expecting to feed the kids and he walks in with take out for them and I'm stuck with a meal nobody but me will eat. That can be helped with better communication which, right now, is not going all that well between us for various reasons.


Some of the cons are obvious. I have to see my STBX a lot more often than I would like. I'd love to be able to do a 180 and heal from the pain of his betrayal. Make no mistake, my staying here is a sacrifice I'm making for my children. 
I feel like I have no privacy from him. I have an ex that I dated and lived with before meeting my husband. We have become friendly over the last year or so after I helped him with some problems he had last year. We mostly chat online but occasionally we'll meet up for dinner. He has offered to pick me up for dinner a few times but I feel like I can't have him here at my house because it will freak out my STBX. There is absolutely nothing romantic between us but my husband wouldn't see it that way and although we are getting divorced, we aren't yet and so it could get sticky. Same goes for if I happen to meet anyone that I'd like to form some type of early relationship with. That is a huge con...even after my divorce is final I will still feel like I can't have certain guests in my home. 

I would recommend separating your finances now. Come up with a split for expenses based on your salaries, ie. 70/30 or something. You'll need to get a feel for your finances so you'll know what you can and can't afford once you're on your own.

As for your kids. They obviously know things are not well between you and your husband. I think it's fine to tell them that you and your husband have decided to move towards a divorce but that you'll both still be living here for financial reasons for the foreseeable future. I thought it would be better to tell our kids about a separation first so they had time to get used to the idea, then after some time had passed tell them we've decided to divorce. In retrospect, that was not the right choice. My 15yo daughter is throwing quite a bit of hatred my way at times because she feels like I should be trying harder. When I have my kids to my apartment for dinner and don't invite my husband she doesn't talk to me for days. He has not given me any support on this at all, just lets me take the heat. I did nothing wrong and I'm keeping his secret to protect him and yet, he lets me take the brunt of her anger. So, like you, there are times I just want to punch him. I think it might be better to rip that bandaid off so she doesn't hold out any hope and get disappointed every time something doesn't happen the way she thinks it should in order for us to get back together. 

As for your husband, tell him if he can find a wife that is happy her husband found someone else during their marriage you'll consider being happy for him. He won't be able to find anyone even if he looks to the far edges of the earth. He's an asshat. I'd communicate some rules about having this woman over before your divorce is final. He may not want to be married to you anymore, but he should at least show you some respect. And if this woman has even one shred of decency, she shouldn't be wanting to come to your house anyway.

ETA: The story of my ex is not to say I desperately want to have him at my house. I can survive nicely if he never steps foot in my apartment. But having to tell him a couple times "No, I'll meet you at the restaurant" when he was just trying to be nice opened my eyes a little more to the difficulty I will have if I meet someone I do, in fact, want to date at some point.


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> As for your husband, tell him if he can find a wife that is happy her husband found someone else during their marriage you'll consider being happy for him. He won't be able to find anyone even if he looks to the far edges of the earth. He's an asshat. I'd communicate some rules about having this woman over before your divorce is final. He may not want to be married to you anymore, but he should at least show you some respect. And if this woman has even one shred of decency, she shouldn't be wanting to come to your house anyway.


Thank you so much for your reply notmyjamie! It helps to know that I am not the only one going through this. I am sure it is out there more than I know, but talking about it with others that understand is very helpful! We have already talked about splitting finances the same way you talked about, based on each other's income. We plan to split child support the same way once the divorce is final as well. 

It is hard living together and I wished we could have separate living spaces, but it is just nor feasible. He leaves for most of the weekend to be with his girlfriend and during the week with work and kids schedules we don't see each much. The kitchen is the "hot spot" where we mostly have to interact with each other. 

We decided to tell the kids this morning actually and they took it pretty well. They knew it was coming based on "how well we get along." We thought this would give them time to get use to everything and let it all settle in. Plus I didn't want to be angry one day at him and accidently blurt it out in front of them, that is not how I would want to tell them.

I have made it perfectly clear to him she is not allowed in the house, or for that matter even in the driveway! This is our families house and she has no business being anywhere near it or having anything to do with it. And he has been understanding and respectful of that (so far). 

All in all I have to say he is being pretty good about most things, but that is because he has the best of both worlds right now. Wife at home taking care of everything and young girlfriend on the side making him happy. That is the part that kills me, that he thinks he what is doing is okay and perfectly acceptable. This morning he told me that our marriage is just a piece of paper, is doesn't mean anything. I have to learn to not that bother me anymore and keep in my head that this isn't for much longer and I am staying here for another year to do what is best for myself and my kids. 

Thank you again for much for your reply! I wish you luck in everything as well. Stay strong!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

happydaisy93 said:


> We decided to tell the kids this morning actually and they took it pretty well. They knew it was coming based on "how well we get along." We thought this would give them time to get use to everything and let it all settle in. Plus I didn't want to be angry one day at him and accidently blurt it out in front of them, that is not how I would want to tell them.
> 
> *Very smart. You sound like a good Mom.*
> 
> ...


*
I wish you luck as well. Always feel free to PM me if you need to chat. It's not easy to separate without actually separating. *hugs**

*ETA: I wonder how happy he'll be for you if you start dating soon. *


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

The guy is an absolute creep........the sooner you get away from him the faster your recovery will begin.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

See an attorney. It may be better for you to have a legal separation now to protect yourself. The OW (other woman) isn't going to like this situation for long and I think a year is stretching it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> See an attorney. It may be better for you to have a legal separation now to protect yourself. The OW (other woman) isn't going to like this situation for long and I think a year is stretching it.


That's a good point to get a separation agreement in place now. It can establish that he will continue supporting you, and it can also establish what assets will be split and what debt is shared debt. Without that agreement, assets and debt will be shared. You want to make sure that if he does something crazy like buy her a car with the family savings, that should come out of his half of the assets in the divorce. A verbal agreement with him that you are separated probably won't hold up in court. 

One thing you might want to do is discuss as much of this as possible over a recorded medium, like text or email. That way even if you don't have a formal agreement, you'll have evidence that he knew you were separated and had an agreement about dividing assets.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I was thinking about you at work today. I thought of your situation where your husband leaves to spend every weekend with his OW. It's time for that to stop. He needs to take custody of the kids every other weekend, just like if you were divorced. You deserve some free time as well. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're a good Mom so he can go be free whenever he wants. Nope...make out a custody schedule and when it's his turn, make plans and go out. Even if you go to the movies yourself. It's completely unfair that he should get all the advantages of being single again and all the advantages of being married. It's time to let him know what being divorced will really look like. Even during the week, on his nights, he has to feed the kids and get them to and from their activities.

In my situation, it is not as big a deal as my kids are older and do not require babysitting. Also, I work every other weekend so it naturally falls to my husband to help them with whatever when I'm not home.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I was thinking about you at work today. I thought of your situation where your husband leaves to spend every weekend with his OW. It's time for that to stop. He needs to take custody of the kids every other weekend, just like if you were divorced. You deserve some free time as well. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're a good Mom so he can go be free whenever he wants. Nope...make out a custody schedule and when it's his turn, make plans and go out. Even if you go to the movies yourself. It's completely unfair that he should get all the advantages of being single again and all the advantages of being married. It's time to let him know what being divorced will really look like. Even during the week, on his nights, he has to feed the kids and get them to and from their activities.
> 
> In my situation, it is not as big a deal as my kids are older and do not require babysitting. Also, I work every other weekend so it naturally falls to my husband to help them with whatever when I'm not home.


I agree.

I think it is important that both of you start seeing what divorced life will really be like.

You are still being utilized as a Wife Applience in maintaining the home and caring for the kids etc while he dates and builds a life with OW.

Stop that.

Obtain a legal separation and child care arrangment and in his child care days take off and leave the kids to his care and you go do whatever you want even if it is just perusing the periodicals at the library.

If he wants a date with OW, then he can find and pay a babysitter.

If marriage is just a piece if paper to him then do not be his Wife Applience that cares for the kids and maintains the house while he dates and plays like a teenage boy. 

He has relieved you of your wifely obligations to him so start building your own single life and let him parent and maintain his own domicile and parental duties.

That will be hard as a mother to know that they are eating macaroni and cheese out of a box and being given unlimited TV and video game time; but as long as their actual health and safety is not being threatened, it is important that you not relieve him of his parental obligations.

If he wants to be a single father, then allow him to actually be a single father with all if the tasks and responsibilities that come with that.


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

Honestly I like when he is gone for the weekend. I have the house with just me and my kids. My kids are in and out hanging out with friends, so when everyone is gone the peace and quiet is sooo nice! I feel like I can actually let my guard down and just have Allen calmness. My kids don’t really need to be “babysat” anymore, so if I did want to go out I can. And I do go out for drinks with friends or my sister get some “me” time.


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

I did stop a long time ago making his meals, I cook for just the kids and I. If there are leftover he is free to eat them (i hate leftover and usually just thrown them away anyways). Recently i have stopped doing his laundry, which is nice! And he has to clean and maintain his room and bathroom downstairs, I don’t touch it. I am OCD about cleaning and maintaining the rest of the house, so I won’t let anyone else touch it. 
I am learning to let go of certain things I use to, and letting him take care of them if he wants them done. 
I pay all the bills... so he is going to have to start paying his own personal bills and figure out how to balance a checking account again. 

But yes, I agree, we do need to start living life like we are divorce and dividing certain things up. Just hard for me to let go of some thing i have done and taken care of for so long.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm glad to hear you get out with family and friends. It's so important for you to feel supported right now. If you lived close by I'd invite you out for a drink or two.

Also glad to hear you aren't cooking for him or doing his laundry. How do the kids feel about him taking off every weekend all weekend long? Mine would be very upset if that happened in our house. It's hard enough for parents to find time to spend with their kids but giving all his weekend time to his OW makes it even more difficult I'm sure. 

It sounds like you are detaching as best as you can. Not an easy thing to do at times I know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If I were you, no way in hell would I split child support or waive spousal support (if you qualify)! He decided to fire and replace you as his wife, he does not deserve you to be so accomodating! You will end up screwing yourself over while he moves on "happily" ever after with some other woman. Hell no.


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