# is it normal/possible for a guy to be asexual?



## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

I've been with the same person for 13 years. We are not married but cohabitate.

He was my first. There was only 1 other early in college before we were serious.

Problem is, I have to beg for sex. I get promises but nothing happens. I think this is progressing to be a very big negative on my life. He used to talk about sex all the time in college, but very little action even then. Had to ask for it then - what a great first experience, lol.

I'd guess I'd be a medium to high drive.... but can honestly say that in the last seven years, we've had sex maybe once to twice a year. If I ask him when we last did it, he can't remember but insists it was recently. I'd say it was about 8 months ago.

We'll be at a hotel or on vacay, and no sex. We'll go out, nothing. I'll specifically plan to have a bottle of wine or a few drinks... I can't even get him to open mouth deep kiss me. It's like he has no clue to just enjoy it.

I've asked nicely, I've told him it was important to me, crucial to a working relationship. And nothing but platitudes (feels like a brush off) or downright defensive nasty anger.

Over the years, I've tried outfits, wearing nothing under a trench coat, sexy dinners, suggesting positions, fondling where/when appropriate, stripping solo for him, buying toys, lube, edible fun stuff, going commando ... but I pretty much get ignored. I haven't bothered for more than 16 months now. I'm so open minded and would love to experience the gamut. I figured anybody would appreciate that quality in a woman.

I was a local model in my early twenties and actually did an event with Victoria Silvestedt (sp?). So I'm not freaking hideous... I'm older now, and certainly not perfect, but there are still guys hitting on me. I'm vibrant - but sense I'm starting to lose that spark as the lost feeling/sadness overwhelms. I'm smart, engaging, can hold my own in a conversation...

Is it me? I'm not sure, but I really don't think so lgoically. I feel like I've completely lost my sexuality and gender identity - like I am nothing. Just an automaton going to work and going home to find nothing done, having to do it myself and then being ignored (literally no response) when I ask for sex or make a move.

I've asked him to show me/tell me how he likes his HJ's or Bj's (all of which I enjoy doing)... to tell me a fantasy. He won't respond or says he doesn't really think about it.

The only porn in the house is that which I have brought in.

There's stress in life - he can't/won't hold a job. He has one now, after 4 years of sitting on his a$$ maybe applying to one or two a month, and one can now be cautiously optimistic. It's very low level though he has a master's degree. He can't articulate any goals or ambitions when prompted. 

He's lost the temp work/birthday/paychecks, failed to pick them up or cash them... I'd venture in the $600 to $1000 range sum total over the past 6 years. It's hard for me to believe a person wouldn't even care to do that.

My dad's got Alzheimer's and I work one full-time job, teach at a university, free lance on the side and volunteer for a local association to make our bills. I'm pooped, yet still would be up for some life-affirming fun... I'm to the point where I'd love to be thrown against a wall and well..um.. you know.

His dad died when he was 9, his brother is a pathological liar (confirmed - is that hereditary? his brother never held even a pt job until HE was 38), S.O. is now 37. Could abject apathy be hereditary?

I finally got him to go to a counselor, where he exploded at me, then refused to go back.

I was on depo for nine years, which I suggested to especially when I was younger and didn't have time to think about it and hoped it would make him more comfortable. It was my idea and it seemed like a good one. He still insisted on condoms as well (and even suggested double bagging it until I noted that increased the risk of a tear) - even though I bet in 13 years, we've had sex fewer than 50 times. I'd beg to go bareback.

He's had 5 partners.

Is there something wrong with me? I never thought I'd wonder that.. but am. I think I'm going to lose my mind.

He can't hold a discussion without very defensive anger - he'll actually run away in anger. This behavior - I just don't get it.

Ask him to do anything - he gets put out. Even something as simple as please hand me X when he's standing right next to it.
It hasn't happened more than 10 times, but when he's angry, he has no hesitation calling me a c*nt. More explicitly a bloody c*nt rag. I can handle the common slurs (B*tch, ****, etc and figure they are part of today's speech expression). The rest is just shameful.

I can hold a very calm rational discussion, so I just don't get it. I'm normal too - I do lose it from time to time. Not frequently though.

I wish I could tell someone this... just so they don't blame me? So that someone holds him to some sort of accountability? Maybe have him hear it from someone else that he might respect?

Is all or any of this normal in their relationships from time to time? I get that downtrends in sex happen from time to time, but after all my attempts?

Clearly there's multiple issues going on, but I could handle so much more of the crappy stuff in life if there was just some level of sexual affirmation.

I have no idea what to do, but can't picture anything but more of the same.

Suggestions?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Asexuality is very rare. It simply means no sexual desire. Although you sound like a very attractive woman, it is possible that your partner has no sexual attraction to you. If he is sexually attracted to other women, then he is not asexual. 

I'm sorry he won't go to counseling & I'm sorry he makes you feel so bad.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I love my wife but as much as I desire her she can drive me to asexuality sometimes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He's terrified of unwanted pregnancy, likely feeling a tinge of guilt about having unwed sex, has repressed for so long has a hard time expressing it. It likely has to do with how he was raised (religious mother by chance? parents didn't show a lot of physical love?) He should go to counselling individually to deal with his deep-seated guilt for having sex, or any kind of pleasure for that matter, in life. As he goes through counselling you should talk about future plans together: marriage? If so then get on with it, if not then plan for what happens in case of unexpected pregnancy, make some long term contingency plans together - there really is no worst case if you don't talk about it a little first. Good luck!

(and no you are not the reason he would be expressing little desire - he probably is quite attracted to you still, just never had the ability to cope with his desire)


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I don't think asexuality is as rare as people think..yes uncommon but still not 'rare' as such. Do some googling, there's quite a lot of info on the net about it.

I've come to the conclusion that my husband is after experiencing years of similar things you've been going through. He just doesn't think about sex, ever. I've never taken it personally because I knew he was LD but it's more then just having no drive, he has no interest in sex, with me or anyone else. I've always been the initator and even then he was never enthusiastic if his excuses to avoid it didn't cut it with me. I stopped initiating in April after nearly 8 years of being the only one to initiate, and surprise surprise he's never mentioned it once and we haven't have sex since then. 

If you don't have kids and aren't married, why don't you leave and get the full package, someone who appreciates you and makes you feel attractive and wanted. Sounds like he takes you for granted.


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## MaritzSmit (Sep 21, 2012)

It simply means no sexual desire


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

He really doesn't notice other women - actually he doesn't notice much of anything at all going on around him. Not from other diners, people sitting at a bar, holiday family gatherings.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I would move on if I was you. Don't waste your life.
You are probably like most people and considering what has happened snd how his rejection has made you feel, afraid that you won't meet someone else. 
But you will.

I'd advise you to go to individual counseling. And please don't stay in an unfulfilling relationship any longer, you deserve to be desired and to have a full rich sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Over the years, I've tried outfits, wearing nothing under a trench coat, sexy dinners, suggesting positions, fondling where/when appropriate, stripping solo for him, buying toys, lube, edible fun stuff, going commando ... but I pretty much get ignored. I haven't bothered for more than 16 months now. I'm so open minded and would love to experience the gamut. I figured anybody would appreciate that quality in a woman.


That's... quite a list.
Hell if my wife did even half of those consistently I wouldn't complain so much. Looks like you've taken the time to try and turn your man on, have you asked him about what he likes too?

Outside of that... you sound like a strong woman, a good woman too. Rather rare actually, unfortunately you're letting yourself be held down by him. Hate to say it but I agree that it seems like he's taking advantage of you.

It's time you mention YOUR needs and if he can't forfill them then what's the whole point? You need him to know how important this is to you otherwise nothing will change for better or worse.


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

Lon said:


> He's terrified of unwanted pregnancy, likely feeling a tinge of guilt about having unwed sex, has repressed for so long has a hard time expressing it. It likely has to do with how he was raised (religious mother by chance? parents didn't show a lot of physical love?) He should go to counselling individually to deal with his deep-seated guilt for having sex, or any kind of pleasure for that matter, in life. As he goes through counselling you should talk about future plans together: marriage? If so then get on with it, if not then plan for what happens in case of unexpected pregnancy, make some long term contingency plans together - there really is no worst case if you don't talk about it a little first. Good luck!
> 
> (and no you are not the reason he would be expressing little desire - he probably is quite attracted to you still, just never had the ability to cope with his desire)


You know, I wondered about this as well, but why would he have been ok with about a 50/50 split of random/casual encounters and other serious relationships?

His first partner I'm guessing around when he was 18-19 yrs old when he was in college turned out to be bipolar (diagnosed).

Are there really that many effed up people in the world? One has to wonder or if he's just attracted bat**** crazy in the past... (not that bipolar is batty crazy necessarily)


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> That's... quite a list.
> Hell if my wife did even half of those consistently I wouldn't complain so much. Looks like you've taken the time to try and turn your man on, have you asked him about what he likes too?
> 
> Outside of that... you sound like a strong woman, a good woman too. Rather rare actually, unfortunately you're letting yourself be held down by him. Hate to say it but I agree that it seems like he's taking advantage of you.
> ...


Thanks - I appreciate that. Reality checks are helpful 

I've asked him what he likes - I usually get no response or an "I've never really thought about it."

I have brought my fantasies and desires up. Usually he just gets angry... sometimes really angry if I show anything other than extreme caution to not sound anything like criticism. I'm not criticizing him, just the situation - it's got to change.

But then i look around and realize his personal habits are much like the Dude in Big Lebowski. Very self-indulgent. I actually found creepycrawlies in one of his plates left by his computer desk in the basement. All he does is walk two dogs in the morning. I take care of the rest. He's missed the trash for two weeks running now. He won't slap together a sandwich. He'll leave the house to go buy fast food and come back home or just eat a bag of chips. I used to leave him heat and eat lunches. And I'm a good to pretty good cook (my mom is a kick ass cook). They'd either rot in the fridge or I'd find them moldy in his car. SO slovenly.

The lackadaisical seems to be in every aspect of life... sex et all.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I don't if this is going to sound mean, but it's been my experience...

I've had a couple of friends who I thought were asexual. Turned out they were closeted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... Ohio

You remind me of some friends, good friends who I really respect. Strong, principled women, ones you can trust and depend on. Ones who take the initiative, ones who aren't lazy ones that you can walk side by side with, and not have to hold their hand and drag them everywhere like little girls.

But they all had one flaw, the same flaw, always the same one -> TOO NICE! I see them with their spoiled bfs who don't have jobs let alone a career, let their gfs do everything for them, and I always tell them the same thing -> respect yourself and know you deserve better.

The sad thing is, when your bf knows he can walk all over you. He won't see what I'm seeing, he won't see your quality. It's time to face the music, and be prepared to leave if he doesn't change. It's impossible to respect/love someone who doesn't give the impression that they respect/love themselves. Harsh, but that's truth especially for me.

BTW You have NO idea the market out there for women like you, in the past I was always disappointed because they were always taken too - by spoiled a$$holes too lol! I'm so lucky that I found my wife otherwise I would probably have kept out of committed relationships for the rest of my life.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No sex drive, anger issues, job issues.....issues!

He could be depressed or have some other mental illness (it runs in his family).

But you said he won't go to counseling or seek help.

You can't fix him! Stop begging for sex. He is extremely self-centered (hallmark of depression).

If he is sick & not helping himself then you are co-dependent on his behaviors which is not helping him help himself.

You need to start living your own life & make a decision whether you want to stay with a person that refuses to help himself.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

What Emerald said - he sounds depressed. Someone who is so careless about what is going on around him and has so much anger is usually depressed. However if he can't/won't go for help for himself, there is little that can be done. Also you need to not ever put up with that verbal abuse again. Yes, it is not normal, it is abusive. And I don't give a flying f*** if anything is a "normal" part of todays' vocabulary, if my SO ever called me a b*tch (to my face, anyway) or that other vulgar term that your hubby used, there would be hell to pay.


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I don't if this is going to sound mean, but it's been my experience...
> 
> I've had a couple of friends who I thought were asexual. Turned out they were closeted.


I was wondering this as well. I've actually asked and got a no answer. Because of my line of work, I frequently interact with the LBGT community and he comes with me. So my gay guy friends have told me they don't think so, for whatever that's worth. He's never acted on anything within that context.


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

Emerald said:


> No sex drive, anger issues, job issues.....issues!
> 
> He could be depressed or have some other mental illness (it runs in his family).
> 
> ...


never thought self-centeredness was a hallmark of depression. that DOES make sense in context. One could suppose narcissism as well.

Thank you!!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

From what you posted, it doesn't sound like he's getting any therapy. However, are you sure he isn't seeing a psychiatrist and getting drugs for a condition. I think his issue is deeper than merely not being in the mood for sex. Could he be taking anti-psychotic drugs and simply not telling you? A number of them can result in impotency or low sex drive, so that may explain his lack of sexual desire. Something is going on in his brain - he needs help.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It is possible for a man or a woman to be asexual.

Not wanting to use the word "normal", I will say that asexuality is uncommon.


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## OHIObe (Sep 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> From what you posted, it doesn't sound like he's getting any therapy. However, are you sure he isn't seeing a psychiatrist and getting drugs for a condition. I think his issue is deeper than merely not being in the mood for sex. Could he be taking anti-psychotic drugs and simply not telling you? A number of them can result in impotency or low sex drive, so that may explain his lack of sexual desire. Something is going on in his brain - he needs help.


While valid, the snarky side in me thinks that would require effort, lol. 

No, he is vehemently against anyone knowing any personal business, at least as intimately as a counselor would. I've never even seen the inside of his mother's home in 13 years. I have been to his brothers' homes though.

All his brothers seem to have anger issues though - and they seem to manifest often in the same way. Many of them have sought counseling. Which my SO puts down to "fuc!ing with them" with all the "psycho-babble."


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