# Seriously considering an affair



## Sarahsfriend (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm 46 years old, my husband is 39, and we have one adopted child together. My husband is very quiet and rarely shares his feelings with me. He is very controlling and can be quite aggressive when we argue. Despite discussing my dissatisfaction with the situation with him, we have sex two times a year. He works a third shift job so we rarely see each other. He spends all his time playing online poker. 

I have never been welcomed by his mother, father, and sister. Their behavior towards me has at times bordered on rude. Dave, my husband has been very focused on his cancer-stricken father who died last week. He has been spending every spare minute with his mother who lives 75 miles away. She feels she has "won" because he chooses to be with her rather than me. I am uninvited to these get-togethers.

My ex husband, whom I still find attractive, and I have been in contact. His name is Denis. He wants to get together for lunch or drinks, but I think he really wants to have an affair with me, and I, at this point, am open to the idea. Without moralizing, can someone offer advice or insight? I have never had an affair and am not sure what I would be getting into.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You'd be getting into a divorce. Period. If you want someone else, end the relationship you are already in.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice is to talk about how you feel with your husband. Tell him that you are feeling neglected and controlled and like you don't spend enough time together. Tell him you want more sex with him and that you are considering an affair with your ex-husband.

Be honest with your husband.

Having an affair won't resolve the problems in your marriage. It will just add another problem. So either you and your husband work at your problems together, or if you find nothing was resolved, you can leave him.

An affair is a big mess. For all involved. It's not worth the pain and heartache that comes with the fallout. I speak from experience.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

if you have done everything you can to solve your problems, IC and MC and there is no change then you should consider separation. If separation does not shake things up then you should consider divorce. 

About the ex. You are looking for an emotional connection and your ex is probably looking for easy sex. You are vulnerable now and you will most likely have emotional feelings for him. I doubt if he is looking for an emotional involvement with you even if he is giving you that impression. Is he involved with someone else? He sounds like he is taking advantage of a situation that will meet his needs and not your's, was he self centered when you were married? 

You got divorced for a reason just remember that. Won't you be repeating history and the pain of divorce over if you have emotions and he does not. Why make life easy for him by giving him sex to tide him over till the next woman. You are worth more than that. It is likely that when he meets a woman he wants to be involved emotionally with he will drop you. Do you want to be a fill in until he finds someone else. 

You don't need that now, concentrate on getting what you need from your marriage and if that does not work, divorce and find someone who thinks you are special and wants a relationship. You need the emotional involvement with a man that's what's missing from your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

Oh, I love this!
So, I'm assuming a bunch of things here:
- you tried to talk to hubby about the sex
- you gave him an ultimatum for being a little more 
- you fought (and stopped) many battles with your husband about his mother
- you gave up fighting.

I might be wrong.
Anyways, from the info you gave us, I can definitely see how your couple used to work at the beginning.
"What did you marry IN your husband"?
He married an older woman for his incapacity or differentiate himself from his mother and you married a younger man for your own reasons. I can see how this collusion can work.
Unfortunately right now your collusion reasons change, and you are looking for a better situation.

I think an affair might work for you temporarily, then you will still go back and solve the problems at home. 
Affairs are an excellent way to escape a non working couple collusion.
Plus an affair with your ex...hmmm sounds like a lot of trouble. What are the reasons you and your ex broke up in first place?
Wanna go back there?

Good Luck

Mike

I would like to suggest to all the clinicians here a book (if they didn't read it already lol). Murray Bowen, 1974, Toward the Differentiation of Self in One's Family of Origin.
Enjoy!


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Moralizing is exactly what you will get here. Overall, this is a pro-marriage site. If you are fishing for pointers, you came to the wrong place.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> You'd be getting into a divorce. Period. If you want someone else, end the relationship you are already in.


This. Also there is the possibility for violence. Divorce him.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If you think about this from a completely selfish point of view, it's STILL a bad thing. There's a great chance that any affair will be exposed. This means your friends and family will view you in a completely different light. They'll wonder how you could do this to the man you promised to be loyal to for the rest of your life. If your H leaves you, he'll be able to share stories about his unfaithful wife and many women will become putty in his hands. Meanwhile, you'll be scared that any man worth being with would write you off because, "once a cheater, always a cheater."

An affair would give your H all of the power and render you damaged goods. The only way to move on with dignity is to file for divorce and work only on yourself until it's official. An added bonus, sometimes the act of filing/leaving speaks more to a man than words or tears. He may begin working on himself. Either way, you'll be on the road to a healthier life without having to deal with all the drama that an affair brings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

An affair with your ex is not a good idea. Leaving out the moral aspect (which IS important, by the way), an affair will not solve your problems. And if you get caught, your valid issues with your husband will not take center stage. The focus will be on YOU as the bad guy. There won't be room to deal with any of the issues.

I would talk to your husband and lay it all out. Say you are thinking of leaving the marriage. Tell him his specific behaviors that are causing you unhappiness and what you need him to change in order for you to consider to stay in the marriage.

Sounds like his mother has a hold on him. This is an unhealthy dynamic, as YOU and your child should be the most important people to your husband. But if he's trapped in a controlling relationship with his mother, there may be other things at work (she may be a narcissist and they continue to control and manipulate their children throughout their adult lives), and he may need a lot of help to break free. He may choose not to break free for fear of upsetting his mother.

But start by talking to him. And try to get therapy for yourself. That will help you cope better than having an affair. 

I cheated in my first marriage. It was the worst thing I could have done, so I am telling you from experience that an affair will not give you what you want/need.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do not get into an affair to 'mend' your voids. 

Talk to your husband about everything...maybe write it if you can't talk to him face to face.

Make him understand you are missing out some things in yourself and you don't know why. I say this because confronting him and blaming him (even if you don't think you are) will not help him to listen.

Good luck and please, just either deal with your marriage and try to heal it or remove yourself from it (only you know this answer).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you are contemplating an affair with a particular person (your ex), you mind is already in the affair, and at several levels you are looking to find faults in your H and minimize his redeeming qualities to justify what you want to do next.

An affair, even an exit affair is not a good solution ever. It is based on the lies and fanstasy that your own mind is tricking you into believing and prevents you from being able to understand the hurt you will cause everyone you love in your life.

My advice is be open and honest with your H and yourself, put your ex or anyone else you are looking to escape to completely out of your head, the path of deception will only make your own situation more difficult. Time for counseling: learn what your needs are in the marriage, communicate that with your H and if he is unwilling to meet those needs then you will know that your marriage is going nowhere, and vice versa you will have to agree to meet his needs and if there is no way around the impasse make your decision based on that reality. Your feelings of neglect and the lack of affection stem from the breakdown in communication between you two, and to most that isn't a dealbreaker it is something that just needs to be repaired.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Are you suggesting that you are confident that your husband will not ever know of this affair? In most cases, people find out. Seems alot like you are saying that divorce is not good enough for your husband, considering the pain he has caused. You want him to hurt. Real. Bad. Then, when when you tell him you had an affair, maybe wait a few hours before mentioning that it was the ex-husband. That'll really get the point across. Like a kick in the groin that never goes away. 

Or, are you suggesting that you cannot afford to live without him, making divorce impossible?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> *Are you suggesting that you are confident that your husband will not ever know of this affair? In most cases, people find out. Seems alot like you are saying that divorce is not good enough for your husband, considering the pain he has caused. You want him to hurt. Real. Bad. Then, when when you tell him you had an affair, maybe wait a few hours before mentioning that it was the ex-husband. That'll really get the point across. Like a kick in the groin that never goes away. *
> 
> Or, are you suggesting that you cannot afford to live without him, making divorce impossible?


Yes, that is having an affair out of pure hate and spite.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Without moralizing, if you feel you could have an affair with your ex-H and still look your current husband in the eye as he deals with the loss of his father, and look yourself in the mirror -- then I doubt anybody here is going to say anything that will change your mind.

You intro statements about Dave tell the whole story; you've already checked out of a 2nd marriage that you felt good enough about to adopt a child. 

Maybe focusing all of your time, effort, and energy on making a real concerted effort to fixing what's wrong in your marriage (with MC sessions for help) -- with ultimatums for Dave if he won't get his act together for you -- is the better path for now? Then if it cannot be fixed, you can file for D, and see if Denis is still interested at that point.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Sarahsfriend said:


> I'm 46 years old, my husband is 39, and we have one adopted child together. My husband is very quiet and rarely shares his feelings with me. He is very controlling and can be quite aggressive when we argue. Despite discussing my dissatisfaction with the situation with him,* we have sex two times a year*. He works a third shift job so we rarely see each other. He spends all his time playing online poker. .


Wow. That indicates bigger problems...He either has ED, he's in the closet, or he's seeing someone else. I suggest doing a CSI routine and figuring it out. The online poker is just an escape from reality.

If you are going to have an affair, I suggest a nameless, faceless person whom is easily disposable. Start up a relationship with your ex H and you are complicating your life tremendously at a time when you might consider keeping things simple.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

an affair will not consider you so what you considering?


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Sarahsfriend said:


> I'm 46 years old, my husband is 39, and we have one adopted child together. My husband is very quiet and rarely shares his feelings with me. He is very controlling and can be quite aggressive when we argue. Despite discussing my dissatisfaction with the situation with him, we have sex two times a year. He works a third shift job so we rarely see each other. He spends all his time playing online poker.
> 
> I have never been welcomed by his mother, father, and sister. Their behavior towards me has at times bordered on rude. Dave, my husband has been very focused on his cancer-stricken father who died last week. He has been spending every spare minute with his mother who lives 75 miles away. She feels she has "won" because he chooses to be with her rather than me. I am uninvited to these get-togethers.
> 
> My ex husband, whom I still find attractive, and I have been in contact. His name is Denis. He wants to get together for lunch or drinks, but I think he really wants to have an affair with me, and I, at this point, am open to the idea. Without moralizing, can someone offer advice or insight? I have never had an affair and am not sure what I would be getting into.


His dad died. Are you that big a ass?


Seriously, your asking our permission to screw some guy after is dad died? Your dead weight. you waist of space. even if I hated my wife, i would never do that to her.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

If you love your current husband, tell him what you need from the relationship. If you don't get it, outline the consequences (separation, divorce.) But do not cheat on your husband. Separate or file for divorce from him first.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I say NO You will make your life and his hell. Try everything moral to save your marriage,you once said I do to him right there must have been a reason.
Be honest with him on how you feel and if he is willing get in Mc or IC go! He is going through losing his father and needs support I know what that does to a person when its not there.

This is a a primarily pro-marriage site we don't judge just tell it like it is,I recently got chewed for talking about my problems outside my marriage to a male friend.. and I am glad they spoke up made me think If all fails and you want the ex get a divorce first


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Your H sounds like a real looser, working all the time and such, bang away!

Maybe, you can get even by giving him an STD! That will teach him.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

This guy must be a real a$$ hole, with all the working and taking care of his dead father and his grieving mother and all.
I understand you feel neglected and all but um.... right after his father died? Try and be a bit more there for him for a while then after this blows over bring your issues to him. Cheating is not gonna make anything better.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Without moralizing, dating other men is never good for a marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The OP has not been back to post since July...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The OP has not been back to post since July...


Post and run *sigh* Guess this falls under the heading of don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well and also these old threads keep getting brought back from the dead.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

The problem is that from one side you considering and from the other side the first one you being considerd and not considering?


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