# Looking for some insight on the plights of divorce and being a single mother.



## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

I have posted here before with not alot of response but thought I would give it one more try. I have read "every" post on here over the last couple months on here that I think even remotely resembles the situation I am in. 

I have been married 16 years to a wonderful man and we have 3 children who are 8 yrs old and very well adjusted. I believe we got married for the wrong reasons, relationship was never "normal", sex was always sporadic at best and 95% of the time I had to initiate, we had fertility issues which amazingly enuff were not related to lack of sex, we have not had sex in over 9 years and we are both only 43! But in the 16 years I can say without much exaggeration that we may have had sex 75 times!! TOTAL. 

I have emotionally detached myself from the marriage years ago! Focused on my kids and was a SAHM until they started 1st grade. I guess that was a blessing to be busy enough to not dwell on what was missing but now that I am back to work and kids are in school it has brought what is missing to the forefront of my mind.

We went to counseling within the first 5 years of marriage for the sex issues but nothing was resolved and instead of parting ways we forged on with having children because it was the next step in what was considered normal I suppose.

We both rug swept and ignored the issues and although they were mentioned from time to time nothing ever changed for the better. I told my husband in August that I no longer had the feelings for him that a wife should have and was no longer attracted to him in a sexual way and we should consider divorce. He was not surprised by the issues but at the fact that he never thought I would leave, thought I would just stick around in limbo and accept not ever having intimacy or sex again. 

I don't feel that it is fair to me at my age or him to continue down the path we have laid out before us. I love my kids more than life itself but dont want them to ever feel that a relationship is supposed to be like this either. I come from a very touchy, feely, expressive family and he does not. I want my children to see what a real relationship between a husband and wife should look and feel like.

I just want to know how selfish this is of me, I have tremendous guilt which I am working on with a IC to get thru at the moment. My husband just started seeing a IC himself after I asked him too go back as he stopped going initially saying he didn't see what help it was going to be since I have already made my mind up.

He is a fantastic father and individual but I feel like I have gone to far to turn back now and the resentment of years of feeling unwanted and undesired is just too deep! I think we would be good friends down the road and would continue to be wonderful parents to our children. We live in a small community and kids would have full access to both at all times. 

I am scared to be on my own. We are pretty well off financially as far as debt goes, he has a good job and I have a fair job but just not sure if I can do it on my own?? I just wish I could turn my mind off and enjoy the upcoming holiday We are planning to seperate after then new year and see if there is any hope in R. Hopefully I will realize that there may be a chance of regaining some of those feelings but I just don't see it happening right now!

I read and read and there just are no positive stories.......to me that seems impossible. Sometimes there has to be a case where people are just happier apart and things are ok....isn't there???


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Before I get the usual "affair" comments, I am 100% sure he has never and I have not either!! He tells me he feels horrible and ashamed that things have gotten to where we are and that he didn't do more to turn things around but he just thought and hoped that one day things would just turn around on their own??? He is very insecure now and passive and in a way I feel guilt over that also, did I do that to him??? I am miserable and don't know which way to turn! His view on this is sure there was no intimacy or sex but he did "everything else" extremely well so that should have made up for what was missing? Is he right? Should I just resign myself to live like this for the sake of my beautiful happy children? Is this what God would want for my life?


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Are you concerned about the effect of divorce on your kids? Or on you managing financially? Or on you managing your kids without the help of your H?

As far as being selfish for wanting out.... do you see yourself staying in your current situation for another 10 years?


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Thanks for responding, I am worried about both actually. I never wanted to be a statistic of divorce.....I grew up without a father in my life and I don't really believe the issue I am having now have anything to do with that. Maybe I am kidding myself but that is how I feel.

I know my children will be devestated but I also know that my husband and I will do whatever possible to help them get thru it with as little long term affects as we can. They will not have to change schools, leave any family or friends or go without either of us for love & support.

I do not currently make enough money to support myself along with 3 children and I do not want to take anything away from my H that would make it hard for him to keep our current home or live comfortably as well.

I know most people on here believe that whoever wants to end the marriage should leave the marital home, which I don't always agree with. I feel it would be best at least until we decide, if it ends in divorce that is that I should be able to stay in the home with my children so they have as little disruption as possible. I get kids off to school in the morning and H gets them home afterwards so this would be the best situation during the seperation.

I do not want to take the home from my H, he bought it before we were married and I feel it is rightly his and do not wish to see him loose it under any circumstances. If we are to divorce, I would find another residence to make my children a second home. 

I love him and wish more than anything that we could have a normal happy life together but seeing that it hasn't been that way from the beginning, the chances of that happening seem slim

The guilt is enormous!!! I can't explain how horrible I feel but NO to answer your last question I don't think it is fair to me, to my husband or to our children for me to remain in this relationship. I am so unhappy and I feel it affects the way I parent my kids at times which is not fair to them, plus sometimes I am so depressed over it I can barely function and that deprives them of thier mother also.

I just want to be happy and for my kids to grow up knowing how a man and woman should relate to one another in a committed relationship.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I have to say first that I COMPLETELY understand the guilt and confusion that goes with deciding to leave a relationship where things are okay, but utterly devoid of affection and passion. But, reading your post, it sounds like you have some really magical thinking going on. You'll get a divorce, but it won't be a problem supporting two households in just the way the kids are used to. You'll all be great pals, just not married. In fact, Prince Charming will be just around the corner in your small town to fall in love with you & three young kids and raise them and show them how love really is. 

I really don't know what you *should* do, but it doesn't seem like the picture of what you're going toward is entirely realistic...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

To give you some comfort and assurance, a lot of people go through divorce and survive it somehow, but I don't hear of many who claim that it's easy. I'm personally struggling with guilt, as you are. I feel that marriage vows are sacred, but at the same time I feel that we both deserve a chance to be happy and have fulfilling relationships, which we have not succeeded in doing with each other. I think we got married for the wrong reasons, just as you, so I can identify with your sufferings, hopes, and anxieties.

As far as your financial concerns, I would think you would get some level of child support from your husband, which would need and should expect, if you will have custody of the children. The financial pressures will effect the style of living for all involved. You'll just have to decide what your priorities are.

In my case, I've tried to hold on until my daughter was nearer an age of independence. She will be 17 on her next birthday. I've had divorce in my mind for years...in fact we were separated twice, but then reconciled. But now, after all these years, we're both beginning to wear out from chronic conflict.

Hope this helped a little...peace and grace.


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Ok, Cogypsy......I usually am pretty in tune with sarcasm but don't think for a moment I don't think things will be ugly at some point and time. As I have discovered from reading numerous posts on here the spouse that didn't make the decision to leave (even if they knew it was best for both) usually starts out taking their part of the blame but when it is starting to be crunch time they get nasty and defensive. I expect all of that but yet you don't live in my home and don't know my H, and I believe we will both be as civil and fair as we can be with the children in mind.

And no I don't think there will be someone in my small town to fall in love with me and accept my children but who knows....maybe there is someone who will. I have no idea nor do I have grand illusions that I won't be alone the rest of my life either, but sometimes being alone is better than being with someone and feeling alone! Lady A sings....Ide rather feel pain than nothing at all.....

I do try and play out all of the scenarios in my mind and think about how I will handle them. I am not naive and I have not jumped into this decision lightly or quickly.....I hate ever second I have to spend thinking about it!

I am amazed at how many couples on this site are married only a year or two and ready to throw in the towel and it also amazes me how many people are in sexless marriages! I do believe at my age our situation is dire.....we have spent the majority of the best years of our life missing out on the very essence of what married life should be for two people in love and I do hope for both of us that we can find what we have missed! But if not I plan to raise my children the best I can and hope that they are happy and well-adjusted.

Two households will be tough to manage financially but my kids are not spoiled as far as material things/clothes, and although I know what it is like coming from a poorer family I always felt loved and had the things I needed.

I just wanted to hear from a mother I guess who was actually making it on her own who maybe had the support and friendship of her XH, for the good of the children. I'm just scared and confused and guilty........and scared!

Thanks for the responses, I take everything into consideration that is written!


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## sadsituation (Dec 1, 2011)

TGTLTBTS: I completely understand your situation. Actually I'm in the same boat as you. I told my H about 3 weeks ago that I no longer had feelings for him and was no longer attracted to him in a sexual way and we should consider divorce. His concern is our child. He never responded with he didn't want a divorce. We haven't had a decent sexual relationship, our entire marriage.

My fear is the whole "leaving" part. I've been so accustomed to being with him for over 10 years. I know that is very selfish of me, but I'm just being honest. 

Have you considered separation before divorce?


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Sadsituation, yes we are tentatively planning a trial separation after the first of the year. I do not plan to jump straight into a divorce, I plan to give it a chance with the hope that maybe I will miss him and see the things I saw when we first met and hopefully start again but I just don't know if it will happen We will sit down and work out a plan before we talk to the family or the kids. We may also talk to our IC together again a few times.

I would love to have someone in the same situation to talk to if you are willing to PM me or FB or even talk on the phone. It is so scary to think of being alone after all the years you invested with someone, even if it is just habit. I'm sure I will miss his company but there has to be more to marriage than what we have had!

When you say his only concern is your child, I can relate to that also. My H is concerned first and foremost for the children and then comes his image in our community and what our "press release" is going to be! Thru this entire process, even with him shedding tears from time to time as we talk he has never once said that he doesn't want to lose me because he loves me! I guess that is what sticks in my mind the most


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