# Should son go where I'm not welcome?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Incredibly complex, I'll attempt a nutshell. Partner (ex-fiance) & I have a volatile relationship. He is 'attempting' to spend more time living with me & our 8yo son but says the Surrendered Wife is something I should read & learn from. We haven't spent more than about 3 weeks together as a family at any one time for approaching 4 years. He comes and goes about every 10 days. No continuity as I see it; recently analysed it that we're always playing catchup - son & I seem to compete for his time when he IS with us. 
He wants son to stay with him in his house (another continent) for 2 weeks in the summer - without me because I'm not welcome there because of the way our relationship is. Last year this really REALLY upset me (son was ok though did miss me). I'd hoped we had progressed enough that this year the period would be shorter. Not so. In fact his mum is apparently now 'devastated' that she won't be spending time with her only grandchild (I'd never said I didn't want him to go, merely not for as long)...... 
If I say yes, the notion of all his neighbours seeing & playing with & spending time with him & our son without me absolutely kills me. For all I know, they wouldn't know me if they fell over me in the street. I've no problem whatsoever with him spending time with his granny, it's the house where I'm not welcome that I don't like. It's adding to the 'separation' of our family. He has experiences, memories, etc., not only apart from me but with his dad in his dad's house that isn't the family home. And we're not even separated. Supposedly he's desperate for us all to live together and it's all down to me. OMG I'm about to go on and on & no-one will read it & no-one will answer!!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I take it you guys are never going to be a family, right?

Then you have to accept that you are now a 'divorced' family, and you have to accept that your son will have times when he should be spending it with his dad and his dad's family. That's just the way it is.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

turnera said:


> I take it you guys are never going to be a family, right?
> 
> Then you have to accept that you are now a 'divorced' family, and you have to accept that your son will have times when he should be spending it with his dad and his dad's family. That's just the way it is.



Sadly your summary, though it would seem accurate, isn't - at least the start of it isn't. We're supposed to be a family. He says our family home is where son & I are. Hence my hurt at him wanting to have son at his house for 'Dad & son without mum' time. Granny I have no issue with. Of course son should spend time with her. I just think there's no real case for Dad & son time away from our home when it's specifically in a place where I'm not welcome. On a daytrip doing man things, fishing, whatever, fair enough. But simply being somewhere away from me because it's his Dad's house? Nah it smacks of what you've said and that - at least for the moment- isn't what he says he wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then I agree. If he considers the three of you a family, there should BE no place where you are not allowed. Period. Don't send him.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ok, then I agree. If he considers the three of you a family, there should BE no place where you are not allowed. Period. Don't send him.


Yay! I've told someone and they agree! Not the first time, I might add... 
however these things are never simple, and I'm actually not having TOOOOO much of a problem agreeing to him going per se - to show willing - it's just I don't want it to be for so long. Yet that makes me out the bad guy. He wants 2 weeks, I suggest a bit over a week and the mother in law is peeved she doesn't get long enough and my OH is peeved he doesn't get the two specific events he wanted to take son to. (without me, of course... grr.)
nb I discovered in the past 24 hours that the principle reason he wants time with son away from me is our differing discipline styles. I was brought up with quite strict table manners, writing with your back straight, head not on the table, etc etc & have tried to do the same with (my elder two also; not his kids) my kids as well. However he's very sensitive about the 'woman wearing the trousers' respect/macho/surrendered wife stuff & just told me it's my argy-bargies with son over behaviour/manners that irritate him to hell. If I walk past them and son's got his arms on the table eating, or sitting with dad doing his homework with head lowered, I'll tell him to lift them. OH doesn't like that, sees it as usurping authority. I see it as if Dad won't tell you I will. Maybe I've to re-think this. Thoughts welcome. Maybe just maybe if I can crack this particular nut the issue of taking him away will prove less of a problem!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Frankly, I would just tell him he's welcome to have his son there for as many weeks as he wants...as long as you are there, too.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Ridiculous and silly man is threatened by your authority as a mother. Please keep teaching your son manners since his dad doesn't have sense enough to. If you want to become surrendered wife, then that is up to you, but surely you can see it means your son won't learn a darned thing. The whole time away from you thing is all about getting you to do as he wants. Let him control you if you wish, but your son will need teaching various things for years to come, as teaching certain manners are standard but others are situational. Become his puppet and your son won't learn the things a parent should teach him.


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