# I'm Miserable



## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey Guys,

Been married for almost ten years now but I just got my wife, "I love you but don't love you" speech. She has even said that she no longer cares whether she pleases me or not. 

She drinks way too much and has emotional/depression problems yet won't do a single thing about either issue. Sex is non-existent with just a few little pecks here and there. She is a party girl and likes to go out with her friends a lot, both male and female. A few months ago the children were staying with friends so we were alone yet she made plans to go to a strip club with a few male friends. She understands that this behavior upsets me and she has seemed more willing to invite me along to go out more recently but I still feel miserable in this marriage. I feel like I'm the invisible man around her and the ONLY time she shows even a little bit of affection is when she has had a few drinks. We DO NOT fight and generally get along fine but it's just not cutting it for me any longer but I'm also afraid to leave her and be alone.

Here's my problem: we've talked about splitting up but because of our debt, the economy, etc. we would both be really really broke if we did. Like painfully broke. So we keep this marriage going along and I hope that someday she can have feelings for me like she did earlier in the marriage. But I'm not holding my breath on this one. Advice?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

From what you say, she's not respecting let alone honoring the marriage. Is there no way to get rid of her? One of you move in with family? How many kids and ages?


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

My girls are 9 and 12. We own a house but if she moved out she would take the kids and ask for child support leaving me with a house payment and a HUGE amount of debt (that she rang up in my name) too. I could foreclose on the house but would really take a credit hit and I LIKE my house and want to stay put. We seem to get along fairly well but there is just no spark in her and I really doubt there will ever be again. So basically we are "roomies" and although I tolerate it I'm simply not happy in the marriage as it currently is. And she feels that going to counseling would be a waste of money.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

At least are you both in separate beds? I'd be seriously worried if she's out running around... I presume from the "roomies' remark you are no longer intimate? I'm thinking don't do so until she's been tested. But then, I'm paranoid.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

No,

I sleep on the couch and have been doing so for a few years. She says my snoring keeps her up and I DO believe her on that one. I also think that she HAS been faithful to me, she just enjoys going out, being the center of attention, etc. She needs affirmation from men CONSTANTLY and she herself admits that she suffers from low self-esteem. So she really has this whole jeckyl and hyde personality thing going on. 

I just talked to her. She polished off a bottle of wine tonight and this is after we went out yesterday and she got sloshed. She also got pretty drunk on Friday too. She agreed to cut out the booze but was really cold and distant about it. She basically agreed, said a few words and ignored me and looked at her computer screen. She's watching TV right now and didn't acknowledge me when I came in the bedroom a few minutes ago. I've taken away the one thing she ENJOYS doing so she will most likely resent me for it or just rebel and go back to drinking soon. I do believe that there is a vicious cycle between her depression and her drinking problems. The next few days could be very bumpy ones as she likes to retreat from her problems using a little booze pick me up. That security blanket won't be there.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

My wife and were in the roomies stage...she slept on the couch. We separated (later divorced).

At least it's only wine (what 6-12%?) and not a bottle of vodka or rum!  Can't get that wasted on wine...or if you you do, you'll be up pi$$ing all nite!  

I do agree there is a potential alcohol problem. Ask her if she can go one day without it. If not, it's a problem/addiction. She won't/can't change that until/unless she wants to. 

How do your girls feel about their mom? Do they say anything about her actions? Remember, too, that they are learning from you both how to deal with relationships! This is not healthy for them! 

Even if you don't think there's a PA in the picture...consider it. I was extremely shocked to find out that was the case in my relationship. Protect youself and your health.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

p22pqq2 said:


> Hey Guys,
> 
> Been married for almost ten years now but I just got my wife, "I love you but don't love you" speech. She has even said that she no longer cares whether she pleases me or not.
> 
> ...



Could be the chicken or the egg thing as debt problems and being broke are not good for libido.

so maybe its not just her but a combination of things to where she is miserable too.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

You shouldn't be living in this situation. You have to think about your girls & yourself. Focus your time & energy on them & doing something positive for yourself. Start pulling away from your wife & her new lifestyle. 

Now downsize your home. If you can put it up for sale which will help with the money part of your situation. Put it at a price which will sell but still give you some extra cash. You obviously need to discuss with your wife but just explain that it would put both in a better place when it comes to a little extra money. Just tell her that you are looking at your future together. While your doing that place a little extra aside each paycheck. It doesn't matter the amount just as long as you have something. 

If she is more interested in drinking & going out with her friends then let her. Log how much time she is away from the kids & her family. If she cared about them she would be setting a better example then what she is right now. 

I moved out of our family home 2 weeks ago & can't get my husband to leave me alone. He has begun to figure out that I wasn't kidding about the bills & where all the money is going. I will have our daughter as he is not stable enough to take care of her. She also doesn't want to be near him right now. Because I was asked to move out (financial reasons he couldn't) I now have to go on welfare temp. (not proud of) & apply for a second job to make up some extra income. There isn't much he can do except what he is doing which is paying the bills that come to the house. 

You can't stay in a marriage that has nothing left. You also need to realize that women don't always get the children when it comes to divorce. Her going out & drinking will hurt her chances compared to the parent who is there for the family & being responsible.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

I think I need to clarify a few things. First, my wife doesn't drink every day but when she starts she just can't have one drink. Also, she does not go out every night but when she does she usually plays the role of flirtatious party girl. She has a temper, she always has, but her children still love her. 

I'm just getting sick of her cold fish attitude towards me. She says vague things like it's due to depression (but she can't exactly tell me what she is depressed about )or her upbringing (raised by a single mom who is a drug addict), etc. The problem is she was NEVER like this in the past and always seemed happier. Could be a midlife crisis, I don't know, she does turn 40 in a few months. 

I feel like I can't sell the house, the economy is poor and we would not be able to sell it for what it is worth. So I'm stuck presently in this situation trying to make the best of it but growing more impatient with her on a daily basis.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

First, before you make any decisions, you need to look in the mirror too. What, if anything, has she told you about your actions towards her? Has she asked for anything, made comments, request, etc. etc. etc. And if so, what have you done to meet what she has asked for or requested?


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

GPR,

Yeah, I have looked in the mirror too and her big thing with me was my hygiene. She said that she couldn't get close to me unless I cleaned up my act, pardon the pun. 

We had a falling out a few months ago and were REALLY close to splitting up until the financial situation reared it's ugly head. I have been much better about keeping up my appearance and making extra effort to be as clean as possible. She even commented that she has noticed a difference. I am taking better care of myself, I've lost 40 pounds in the last few years and go to the gym regularly. I am not hideous looking by any means but I know that this aspect has turned her off. I've made a concerted effort on this front yet it has not made her feel closer to me. 

She keeps saying I should do this for me, not her which is fair enough however SHE is the one that mentioned this hurdle in our marriage. I'm basically calling her bluff. She, imho, has done ZERO in what I find disconcerting about her: the drinking, the depression, the general lack of warmth around me, etc. She has agreed to stop drinking but we will see how long this one lasts. I give it three or four days.

I really feel like I'm in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" position. If I give her her space, let her go out and party, don't bug her when she's home in the bedroom, well that HASN'T worked. If on the other hand I try to initiate contact with her, hang out with her more, I am "clingy" and I get this, "what the hell are you hanging out with me?" look. At the best she feels indifferent towards me. I don't think that is acceptable in a marriage.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

UPDATE:

Well, my wife hasn't drank in the last few days BUT she has told me numerous times, just to let me know, that she IS going out tomorrow night with a girlfriend to some biker contest in town. The girlfriend, like my wife, is a flirtatious party animal when she goes out. The two of them together is not good news. I don't know if I am over reacting or not but this sounds like a GREAT time for her with me, again, home with kids. Whatever enjoyment she's having out of life, I'm not a part of it.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Umm I think u maybe in trouble. U can't keep holding on even if it is financial. You need to make the effort to get as much cash as you can together. Have a garage sale, sell some other items your not using anymore, just do something. If vehicles are being paid for to the bank well let them go or just one at a time til you can buy one for cash.

It doesn't seem to me that she wants this to work with you. If she is going to go out with her friend to a biker bar to enter a contest then that is a huge red flag. You need to start focusing on yourself & getting yourself ready for your future.

I know its hard but it is something you can do.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It sounds like you are living two separate lives.

If you want out, then figure out some plan as to leaving. Sell the house, plan for a roomate when she is gone...something. 

She is disrespecting you and doesn't care about your feelings.

If you want to try to work on the marriage.....work on yourself, get some help either individually and/or couple counseling. Not sure, if she is willing to work on the marriage or not?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

You have my sympathy dude. Life is hard sometimes. I keep forgetting the exact saying but its something like, "even the hours of the worst day move ever on" or something to that effect.

I propose you get a baby sitter for tomorrow night and tag along with the girls. You might have some fun, and at the very least keep your wife on the up and up.

But, ultimately that's no way to live. Some people just dont change. You have your girls to think about. Id go this route, start funneling cash to your parents. Hide it, whatever you need to do. Wait a year of doing this until you have a sizable amount. Sell the house for whatever you can get. If it happens to put your wife into a financial nightmare so much the better. Then, get a divorce. 

You should also keep notes of dates and times when she goes out to party. It will go a long way in court during a custody dispute. You may even be surprised and get custody of your girls.

This isnt a good way for them to be brought up.



john


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey guys,


Thanks for all the feedback. Honestly, there is no one I can talk to about this one on one. I really need to vent. It sounds like she may not go out tomorrow night for that biker event only because it costs a lot of money to go and she is thinking that there may be a lot of trouble there. I'm sure she will go out, I'm just not sure with who and where.

Tonight we were going to go out but she was going to invite one of her friends too (it's very rare that just the two of us go somewhere). We kind of got into an argument about who was going to watch the kids and she just said forget about it so we didn't go out. She made some lovely comment like, "oh great, now whenever I go out I have to take you along every time too." 
I just don't think she loves me anymore. She never says anything nice or kind about me, she just kind of does her thing and I do mine. There is just no spark there. I'm trying to rekindle it but she doesn't seem to be very interested.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Tell her exactly what you wrote here. The worst that can happen is nothing.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey guys,

I want to update my situation with you all. Things with the wife are still not great, she mopes around depressed and seems to be mostly in poor moods with some lighter moods thrown in from time to time. In fact, we had sex about three weeks ago and she herself initiated it. She's not really into foreplay, it's more like get it over with as hard and fast as you can. At least it was SOMETHING.

I have the feeling that this depressive state she's in, which has been going on in years btw, won't resolve itself anytime soon. She doesn't want to go to therapy/counseling, thinks its a waste of time and anti-depressant meds are too expensive. 

Her obvious lack of interest in me has hit my ego HARD. I think I take pretty good care of myself at my age, and look much better than I did when she WAS interested in me. I've dropped about 40 pounds in the last couple of years and work out religiously. Yet I get NO attention from her, whatsoever. A couple of pecks on the mouth now and again, hold hands occasionally, and that is IT. I really don't think she is into me anymore. Period. 

Just now I was laying in bed and she was at her computer. I am pretty fearful of approaching her for any kind of affection because I KNOW I will get rejected but I figured what the hey and asked her if she wanted to lay down next to me. I got a quick "NO!" and that was the end of it. Oh, and then she asked if I wanted to go to the movies with her this weekend. 

You see, I'm wondering at this point if I should just put my foot down and not take her out anymore. I've tried hard, we go out for dinner, movies, comedy clubs, casinos, etc. and nothing has changed. I am thinking that this will get her more interested in me or make her feel more romantic but it hasn't. When I try to give her her space, well that hasn't worked, when I try and get closer to her, well that hasn't worked either. I'm really at a loss on this one. 

I'm at the point where I don't want to be just a "buddy" that she hangs out with now and again if I simply receive nothing in return. I'm not asking for sex daily from her but some kind of AFFECTION would be nice from time to time! 

So should I just stop taking her out all together? Do I need to "man up"? Thoughts?

Thanks,
Doc


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