# it's not just an itch anymore...



## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

*I am 41 now and have spent the last almost 17 years married to a wonderful, caring man. He pretty much supported all of us (16 y.o. boy/13y.o. girl).I have a job also for the last few years.
I have not been happy for a while, I think maybe for about 5 or 6 years. Nothing I could quite put my finger on, I thought maybe because we left the military life for a quiet town. I realized it was more than that maybe about 2 years ago. I realized I married him out of survival and because he reminded me of a lost love.
Long Story Short:I had no where else to go before we got married, the military was sending him to another State, and i had moved in with him, with no real funds to move back out. I cried and well he pulled out a ring and proposed (I knew about this ring in his drawer,for 3 months). I might have had time to reconsider if I had not gotten pregnant somewher on the long drive there., few years later came daughter.
Sex has never been a real issue it's great in fact when we have it, kids are a pain, we hardly see each other which helps. I also discovered that lost love (M) on FB (yes that damn place), and we got together as friends w/ others for dinner... when he asked if i wanted to sleep in guest room or his bed (I chose his bed), that last little piece of the puzzle clicked and I realized WHY, I had been so unhappy. I truly was not in love with E (my husband), like I should have been or should be! In fact, I had used him as a replacement for years, without knowing I had done it until M came back in my life. 
M and I have been seeing each other off and on. I know now I never stopped loving him, even if the reason I broke up with him at the time (1987) was a lie I told him. I told him there was someone else, because I did not want to say he never spent time with me because he was always working... maybe I should have spoken up then. 
The unhappiness feeling has been longer than meeting M again.. I think he truly was the last piece that made it all click together and make sense. So he is not my biggest reason . I think what terrifies me most, is I have autophobia, the fear of being alone... the thought of leaving with hardly anything terrifies me and I have panic attacks. I do not think this way at home or work because I am scared of letting others see me crack. I guess I just want to tell my story and see what others think *


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

well your situation is no different then what others on this forum have said. Another individual who has a good W or H but cannot seem to get over the OM. If you continue down this path the chances are it will end up like some of the others which is you will leave but find out later that the OM is NOT what you thought he would be and wished you had not left that "wonderful, caring man" you had married. By then it will be too late and the damage may be too much to be reversed. Harsh words I know but you would not have come to this particular forum if you were so sure of your actions and did not want to hear the truth. 

If you are looking for justification, you are looking in the wrong place. search some of the other posts in here and you will quickly find that true love is not a feeling but an action. 

Have you told your H? He should know if for the only reason of protecting himself. Plus if he is the man you described he deserves to know the truth.


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

Somehow I think M really cares a lot for me, it is said in the things he does rather than what he says. I do not know if we would be together, I am not using that hope as an excuse either, but I also know I feel as if I live in a lie with this marriage, if that makes sense. As I said M was not the catalyst, so much as the last piece of it that made me go "OMG... it all makes sense now"
E is wonderful, I hate the thought of crushing him because it make it hurt more. I wish I could have a seperation time where I could see if a life of being without him, or M is worth the sacrifice, but life never seems to give that a chance. How do you know it isn't right if you can not distance from it?...


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Then request a seperation from your H, but at least be upfront and honest with him. Have you given 100% of your effort to your marriage? Sounds like all you have been doing is thinking about what you could have had and what you have lost instead of what you already have. Women on this forum would fight to have the kind of H you have described.


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

I have spent almost 17 years with him, and this has only been on my mind for last 4 or 5... I have given 100%, because I do not do thing in short. I never grieved for what I had lost, never threw a party over having him back in my life either... he was a bonus who came back is all. I do not know where my life may lead into. I would love for it to be a simple answer... but I do not expect one. (sorry i will bnot be here for the reply as I am heading to work)


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

BEWillis, whether 5 years or a few months this aims at something that is missing in your marriage. Before making any decision you at least owe it to your H and your family to resolve whatever is missing. You might regret it if you dont.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> I wish I could have a seperation time where I could see if a life of being without him, or M is worth the sacrifice, but life never seems to give that a chance. How do you know it isn't right if you can not distance from it?...


You want your cake and eat it too. So many leave their marriage that way, keeping one foot in one camp and the other foot in the other camp.

You either stay in your marriage and make it work or you leave and make OM man work for you. Any other way is the cowards way.

The choice as they say is yours and yours alone.

Bob


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Anything involving an affair gets heated fast. You probably noticed already. To me, affairs are as individual as the individuals involved in them. And, sometimes, they are acts of selfishness, but often they are symptoms or catalysts, among other things.

You said you were unhappy for a long time. Now you've hit a split in the road. This is good and bad. No major life change seems to come without trouble and struggle ... seems that becomes more and more true the older we get.

You said ideally a separation would help you have the space to sort out your feelings. That's probably a sound plan, though not an easy one. 

Take a deep breath, find the right words and ask for a separation. Whether you tell your H about the affair or not is up to you. 

One problem is if you choose to go be with the other man during the separation. Clearly, that will be new and exciting (yes, despite the past history) and will only blur further what's real and what's not. A true time to think would probably require you to separate from BOTH men for some time. Can you do that? Unlikely, especially if you fear being alone. But don't you see that it's the fear of being alone that has caused you to be in this situation to begin with. So that should be your first focus. You risk losing both men, but that's the big nasty gamble of life. Those are my thoughts.

As for true practical options:

1. Keep having your cake and eat it too ... but that cookie crumbles sooner or later and the fall-out could be hellish and you'll lose your self-respect.

2. Leave your husband and give the other man a try.

3. Dump the lover and go to counseling with your husband to work things out. This is probably not what you want ... 17 years should've been enough to know if this is the guy for you .. if you had said you were madly in love with him once upon a time, I would advocate more for this option. But if you've never felt strongly for him, then I would think staying is just wasting more time.

(((hug)))

p.s. don't let people make you feel like s*** for your predicament. At some point in all our lives, we are "the bad guy" and people love to make themselves feel morally superior any chance they get.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

No way is it being morally superior. Husbands and wives give one heck of a lot to one another, so very much. The least they deserve is our honesty. That is the very least they deserve. If you cannot be honest with the person you are married who on earth can you be honest with?

My answer is no one. You cannot be honest with anyone if you are not honest with your husband or wife. Every marriage a person has will be a sham if they are not honest. Sometimes you just gotta get real. And be truly authentic. Deception, lies, denial. Those things are so very easy. Honesty? Sometimes the most difficult thing in the world. But without it all we have is a fabrication, a lie about life itself.

Go ahead and make as many excuses as you like for your dishonesty. Most people have heard it all before.

Sometimes honesty needs phenomenal moral courage. Some people just don’t have it and live their lives in the shadows, not in the Sun.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well that’s not true thinking about it.

It is so much easier to be honest.

Why? Well we know we’re being true to ourselves. Very important that. We don’t label ourselves a liar, we label ourselves as honest.

But it goes way beyond that. The “fall out” from being honest is about 100x less than the fall out of being dishonest. That is the personal punishment in what ever form it takes is way less, orders of magnitude less, than the punishment that comes our way for being dishonest.

Bob


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

Please understand, it took a long time for me to even write on this forum, because I knew what others might think. But I do not think I ever loved my husband the way a man should be loved. 
Everyone wants to be able to savor every piece of the cake before it gets hard and brittle. I am sure I seem no different from others on here. Perhaps I am wishing for something I can never have, perhaps there is a future for me after E or even perhaps I was meant to be with m and fate has allowed us a 2nd chance. I can't answer for my heart, since it seems to be torn in 2 directions right now . I can only answer for me...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to be honest with your husband. Has nothing to do with whether or not you ever loved him. He sounds like a good guy and doesn't deserve what you are putting him through. 

If you didn't love your husband, you should have broke it off with him, before ever getting involved with your old flame. You are a cheater. Doesn't matter if you never loved him? You are married to him.

Tell him and let him have a chance at a life with someone that actually cares about him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> Please understand, it took a long time for me to even write on this forum, because I knew what others might think. But I do not think I ever loved my husband the way a man should be loved.
> Everyone wants to be able to savor every piece of the cake before it gets hard and brittle. I am sure I seem no different from others on here. Perhaps I am wishing for something I can never have, perhaps there is a future for me after E or even perhaps I was meant to be with m and fate has allowed us a 2nd chance. I can't answer for my heart, since it seems to be torn in 2 directions right now . I can only answer for me...


A Good Man like your husband may well get you. You will be the one to lose him. Ain't nothing to do with him.

Be honest and brave. Tell him and give him the choice.

Bob


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> Please understand, it took a long time for me to even write on this forum, because I knew what others might think. *But I do not think I ever loved my husband the way a man should be loved. *
> Everyone wants to be able to savor every piece of the cake before it gets hard and brittle. I am sure I seem no different from others on here. Perhaps I am wishing for something I can never have, perhaps there is a future for me after E or even perhaps I was meant to be with m and fate has allowed us a 2nd chance. I can't answer for my heart, since it seems to be torn in 2 directions right now . I can only answer for me...


So why don't you start loving him the way a man should be loved? 

Instead of lusting after this other guy, refocus that attention and energy towards your husband. You're stuck in the "grass is greener" phase...but it's your choice. Give your energy and attention to the guy who just popped up out of the blue again, or the man who gave you two kids, and has been by your side for 17 years. 

You're the one that has to live with your decisions, choose well...


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> * I guess I just want to tell my story and see what others think *


well, if you want to know what others think, then I'd have to say that it will be really hard for the typical person to find out after so many years that his wife never thought he was the one, and that she settled. Some could get over that.

But if he also found that she had been sleeping with 'the one' while trying to make up her mind, then it turns into the kind've thing some people never can get over.

But I understand how that yearning can feel, and coupled with a fear of abandonment, then it puts you in a really hard place. 

What do I think? If you can't treat him like you think he deserves, try not to let it end ugly. Just let it end.

I struggle with a similar situation, but my wife has a personality disorder. I would desperately want a relationship where I felt that my wife loved me. Currently, we are trying to work it out.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Your post sounds much like my H's reason for leaving me 3 weeks ago. He has not said there is anyone else... he says its "just a feeling" he doesnt want ot be married, has thought about it for years but just told this to me 3 weeks ago. I call this selfish and i apologize for sounds a bit harsh but I am that person on the other side. I think its selfish to walk out of a marriage and not try to resolve it (especially under "sane" situations ie: no violence, alcohol abuse, etc) I am extremely upset at my husband for having kept this from me for years...... i feel like my marriage has been a lie.... I put in so much and he just played along.

You owe it to your husband to talk about this and tell him the truth.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Read in the Coping with Infidelity section, particularly the ones with the word "fog" in it. You may see yourself.


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

OK... weirdness abounds.. Hubby and I were sitting in the tub last night and he agrees to an open marriage... WOW... what do I do now? I mean I was going to bring up divorce a few months from now, as I wanted to be over the Winter Season in my retail job. This has like opened a new can of worms ... I am actually thrown for a loop now


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Tell your husband that you have a PA. There's a big chance that he will ask you for a divorce. So you can go for your lost love without any worries.

Tell your husband honestly, it doesn't make sense you are scared of hurting him, well, you already did! You will only hurt him & your M even more if you keep both of them pending. 

You want a future with your M, go for it! 

You need to end your relationship with your husband. 

Tell him! He's a nice man, a good husband, if you don't want him anymore, please allow him a chance to seach for his happiness with someone else. 

Don't make him living in your lie, all your time wasted. The more you wait, the greater the pain, both your husband & M receive.

In the end, you will have non of them if you just let this problem suspend.

Please tell your husband!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> OK... weirdness abounds.. Hubby and I were sitting in the tub last night and he agrees to an open marriage... WOW... what do I do now? I mean I was going to bring up divorce a few months from now, as I wanted to be over the Winter Season in my retail job. This has like opened a new can of worms ... I am actually thrown for a loop now


So, you have no problem to tell him you have a PA and you want a divorce.


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

Shows my newness to all this..lol, what is PA?


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> Shows my newness to all this..lol, what is PA?


OK, someone told me.. wow I so needed to learn all these abbreviations. It has been so long since I had a "PA" with m, that I have almost forgotten what it's like...lol.


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## BEWillis (Oct 28, 2010)

I do not even know if M feels the same... I just know that it hit me like a sledgehammer on my way home from a weekend with him... that I had not stopped loving him and that is what that shadow was lurking in my marriage. I am no longer confused after reading so many posts on the forum... 

If I could write a letter to my men.. it would say this!

M, I love you... I do, I know I may not wind up being the woman in your life, I may be a good friend or even a FWB ... but I know my marriage is not what it should be, that I love the sex, but not the man... I love him physically but not the way a woman should love the man she is married to! You made me open my eyes and see that I made such a mistake so many years ago, that I chose security and survival, over happiness... seeing you, loving you made me see that I did not love him as I should.. does this make sense?
and E... You have been in my life for over 17 years, I spent it by your side always feeling that something was missing. I spent the last 5 years after your military career knowing the reason.. I loved you but was not in love with you... I have stressed myself out wishing I knew why, but I do not have the heart to tell you that meeting someone in my past made me see my future, that the pieces of the jigsaw picture came together. You have been such a wonderful man in my life, 2 pretty good kids, a world to explore... I am scared to leave you but I know it is my future.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

BEWillis said:


> I do not even know if M feels the same... I just know that it hit me like a sledgehammer on my way home from a weekend with him... that I had not stopped loving him and that is what that shadow was lurking in my marriage. I am no longer confused after reading so many posts on the forum...
> 
> If I could write a letter to my men.. it would say this!
> 
> ...


So far it sounds fair as long as you actually decide to be truthful to your H regarding everything . Knowing the truth about your feelings it will be much easier for him to let you go .

Best of luck


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