# Dating and new partner tells you has cheating history, what do you do?



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My title is my question. If after you get into a relationship your new partner reveals that they had an affair(s), how does this effect your thinking in how to proceed?

For me, an affair I could understand in some cases but it does taint the relationship as I'd have a LOT of questions about it. Like who was the AP, how it started, last contact, etc. Based on that I think it's most likely I'd part ways but I'd have to really think twice.

Multiple affairs? No way could accept. I suspect if a person cheated with multiple people on their spouse they'd just admit to having cheated and not reveal the full gist of it.

Also, since I'm a guy if a woman told me she knowingly became a mistress to a married man or in a threesome type situation that is an instant deal killer.

Seems once you get into your 40s the chances you will meet someone who cheated are quite high. I know TAM will generate the once a cheat mantra, but if you otherwise find the person OK, what are the right things to ask to see if the person is solid besides your gut?


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would have to move on, I know how I Am and I would never be able to trust the person. 

If you consider still seeing someone who cheated, I would definitely find out the circumstances as to why they cheated and with whom a friend, one night stand.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If she says she's sorry when in error.
If she has maintained long term friendships.
If her friends are high quality people.
How she treats people she isn't requires to treat good.
How often she changes jobs.
If she has a fake tan, fake boobs, and fake hair, and lots of tatoos.
If she lies like a Persian rug.
If she has been in lots of beauty pageants.
If she has a college degree.
How much debt she has.
How many times has she been married.
If she has a good relationship with her dad.
Does she like lots of sex?
The list goes on....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bounce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

By definition cheaters lie.....now you want to ask all kinds of question and expect to get an honest answer?

So in short go a head have your relationship but don't trust them.

The way I see it....ask her no questions and she will tell you no lies.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

It's not quite the same thing, but -

My BF told me early on that his last GF was married, in an open sexless relationship. They went on dates and fooled around sexually, but didn't actually have PIV sex. BF had her husband's blessing, I guess hb didn't want to do that stuff with his wife (I don't know why they stayed married).

I felt weird about it at first, but after a while I decided that if the hubby was okay with it, so was I. I don't think of that as cheating, exactly. But it still made me pause.


As far as dating someone who has actually cheated, I probably wouldn't. But it would depend some on the circumstances. I don't see a drunken college mistake in the same light as an affair that was covered up.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> It's not quite the same thing, but -
> 
> My BF told me early on that his last GF was married, in an open sexless relationship. They went on dates and fooled around sexually, but didn't actually have PIV sex. BF had her husband's blessing, I guess hb didn't want to do that stuff with his wife (I don't know why they stayed married).
> 
> I felt weird about it at first, but after a while I decided that if the hubby was okay with it, so was I. I don't think of that as cheating, exactly. But it still made me pause.


IOW, while he was complicit in adultery, it wasn't infidelity.

Well... if you believe him, that is. (See below.)



OpenWindows said:


> As far as dating someone who has actually cheated, I probably wouldn't. But it would depend some on the circumstances. I don't see a drunken college mistake in the same light as an affair that was covered up.


The problem w/ this is that you're trusting that the person that's just confessed to having cheated is being completely honest w/ respect to the circumstances surrounding it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> IOW, while he was complicit in adultery, it wasn't infidelity.
> 
> Well... if you believe him, that is. (See below.)
> 
> ...



I do believe him. I've heard enough of the story to be okay with it.

As far as the second bit, that's basically why I wouldn't trust someone who had lied to an SO about an affair. But I can make allowances for someone who made a one-time mistake and tried to deal with it responsibly.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

what I don't get is why anyone would admit it to their new partner.

I mean "I cheated cuz my spouse was abusive" versus "I left my spouse cuz they were abusive"....which one of these statement has more character when it comes to the one saying it?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

As much as I like to think I'd get all the information and make an informed decision, I don't think I could continue dating them. 

I know myself, I wouldn't ever be able to completely trust them. If you're not happy in your relationship, you get happy or get out. Cheating is never ok.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> My title is my question. If after you get into a relationship your new partner reveals that they had an affair(s), how does this effect your thinking in how to proceed?
> 
> For me, an affair I could understand in some cases but it does taint the relationship as I'd have a LOT of questions about it. Like who was the AP, how it started, last contact, etc. Based on that I think it's most likely I'd part ways but I'd have to really think twice.


For ME, the red flag I failed to hear was that he exuse-plained why he had the affair rather than really accepting his responsibility. Bottom line is we had very different expectations, not so much about sexual monogamy (obviously) but HONESTY. It was ok that he had an affair because of this and that and the other. Not gee this and that and the other might have made him reconsider his marriage. No he could not do that. His wife had a trust fund.

Boy I can be dense.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

End it.
Cheaters lie, about why, about who, about when.
I've yet to see any cheater who didn't lie at some point, either to themselves, the AP, or their spouse.
End it.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I'd drop them.

remember, cheaters are specialists at the trickle-truth. If they admit to a 'small fling', then it was probably a long term affair. One affair? probably a handful.

they might have fessed up to test your boundaries early. If you're ok with their 'justified' fling, then it's like you've given them a green light and are gullible.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In a word, it would be the consummate "deal breaker!"

My rationale would greatly be that if my new romantic interest would "cheat"on a previous partner, then what on God's green earth would circumvent them from cheating on me?

Certainly not their holy vows or their word; both of those have already been deceptively compromised!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I will leave . just can't trust that person . I don't believe a leopard can change its spots .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> I do believe him. I've heard enough of the story to be okay with it.
> 
> As far as the second bit, that's basically why I wouldn't trust someone who had lied to an SO about an affair. But I can make allowances for someone who made a one-time mistake and tried to deal with it responsibly.


*Then what might the litmus test be for someone who has made "a one-time mistake" and then accordingly, seeks redemption for their prior lurid act?

Can they effectively be believed?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Then what might the litmus test be for someone who has made "a one-time mistake" and then accordingly, seeks redemption for their prior lurid act?
> 
> Can they effectively be believed?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can ANYONE effectively be believed? People lie, not just cheaters.

How about the partner who tells you they've never cheated? If they had cheated, they might be lying and saying they didn't.

Would a partner who says they've never cheated need to pass the same hypothetical litmus test as one who admits it (just in case they're lying)?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'd break up with them.

Life's too short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> Can ANYONE effectively be believed? People lie, not just cheaters.
> 
> How about the partner who tells you they've never cheated? If they had cheated, they might be lying and saying they didn't.
> 
> Would a partner who says they've never cheated need to pass the same hypothetical litmus test as one who admits it (just in case they're lying)?


*In effect, the only one then who can be believed, inasfar as contrition is concerned, is the cheater who remorsefully confesses and then actively seeks some form of overt remediation!

And while I can buy that, I can also see that they will have a really rough road ahead of them! I think that's why far more attempted marital reconciliations due to infidelity come to fail, much rather than succeed!

But it always seems that those who do meet with some degree of success always seem to have to pay a very high emotional price!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

To me, it's very simple...

Liars will lie to you. About cheating, about money, about their feelings, about whatever.

I'm more worried about liars than cheaters. If I weed out the liars, any cheaters who are left are remorseful and probably won't do it again.

I don't ask myself "Will they cheat?". I ask "Will they lie to me?". That covers what I feel I need to know about their trustworthiness.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I frankly don't trust anyone anymore. That's the gift that keeps on giving that my cheating husband gave me.

If I'm dating a guy, and he swears he's never cheated on anyone and never would cheat, I'll still never trust him 100%, even if he says he's been cheated on himself. After all, I've since learned that my ex-husband told his own sister and brother, as well as his almost lifelong best friend, that I asked for a separation, and then when he didn't want to do that, an open marriage, and I was probably already ****ing some other guy. All not true. So who knows what he told the OW to get her to go along with adultery with him? We can be fairly certain it wasn't the truth.

If a guy I'm dating tells me he cheated while he was married, I have to question his motivation. Why on Earth would he disclose that, unless he's checking to see how much I'll tolerate?

I'd drop him like a bad habit after that.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Deal breaker for sure. Would be demoted to STR / FWB material only.


----------



## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

This happened to me on the very first date I had with my now wife. She said she wanted to be completely honest from the beginning and admitted to cheating on her ex husband. She said it had made her feel horrible and that it would never happen again. She wanted to assure me that if we developed into a serious relationship, that I could trust her to be faithful.
I bought it hook , line and sinker. Looking back, I should have either ran away as fast as I could or be a lot more wary of placing my trust in her.

It is true that people like her trickle the truth out, always omitting details and concealing important facts.

We dated for over a year before we married and 8 months later, I found out about a "secret male friend".

Be very careful with this one, is my advice.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> Can ANYONE effectively be believed? People lie, not just cheaters.


Doesn't ANYONE want to be able to look THEMSELVES in the mirror? I have never cheated. And I wouldn't, not that opportunity has not been available. There are a whole host of reasons. But the first is that I need to be able to like myself at the end of the day.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Doesn't ANYONE want to be able to look THEMSELVES in the mirror? I have never cheated. And I wouldn't, not that opportunity has not been available. There are a whole host of reasons. But the first is that I need to be able to like myself at the end of the day.


I'm with you. I could never do it, because it's just plain wrong. And even if I were certain I could get away with it (like I'm guessing all cheaters are), at the end of the day, I'd know. And I'd hate myself. I was propositioned a couple times over the years by very attractive co-workers, and at times when I felt under-appreciated and even unloved in my marriage. It wasn't difficult to say no. At all.

I really think there's a gene for it that I don't have. Or there's a gene for integrity that cheaters don't have.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It depends.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Very interesting story. 

Do you have a thread where you gave your story and have the link? How did you figure it out?

In her case the being "upfront" on the first date was her subconscious thought.



Regalpair275 said:


> This happened to me on the very first date I had with my now wife. She said she wanted to be completely honest from the beginning and admitted to cheating on her ex husband. She said it had made her feel horrible and that it would never happen again. She wanted to assure me that if we developed into a serious relationship, that I could trust her to be faithful.
> I bought it hook , line and sinker. Looking back, I should have either ran away as fast as I could or be a lot more wary of placing my trust in her.
> 
> It is true that people like her trickle the truth out, always omitting details and concealing important facts.
> ...


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Been there twice....knew the history but thought this was "love" and thought it was going to be different for us because of it. Not a chance....history repeats itself for these types and there is no excuse, they can tell a pretty good story but you will be a sucker if you fall. Run! It might feel great now but this person will repeat their actions.

Just to add here too to the comment about most people cheating....not this person....2 marriages, a total of 30 years and have never cheat. I hope I am not an odd ball.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan was a former cheater when I met her.

She was the OW twice and had RA's in both her marriages.

I'm not the kind of man that stays with a cheater and I let her know it.

We are into our 25th year.

It depends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan was a former cheater when I met her.
> 
> She was the OW twice and had RA's in both her marriages.
> 
> ...


25 years but you are on TAM for some reason though... not poking you in the eye but there obviously has been some not so blissful moments. Those are the times a cheater is likely to falter.

1. Why did you accept her past if you are "not that kind"
2. Why do you think she changed?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If someone told me that they cheated before, I would be very wary of that person. why did they need to tell me this. Will his reputation catch up with him. And I would look to see if he behaved in a remorseful way.

OP, how does this person behave today? Does she keep her phone with her? Does she keep every online account locked up tightly when you go to visit? Do her friends give you that smirky look?

And as someone esle mentioned do they behave like an attention *****? Lots of male friends? Regularly wear revealing clothes and so on.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is a hypothetical I posted based on my exFiance and what happened to blow up the relationship.

Some unresolved thoughts in my head.



NextTimeAround said:


> If someone told me that they cheated before, I would be very wary of that person. why did they need to tell me this. Will his reputation catch up with him. And I would look to see if he behaved in a remorseful way.
> 
> OP, how does this person behave today? Does she keep her phone with her? Does she keep every online account locked up tightly when you go to visit? Do her friends give you that smirky look?
> 
> And as someone esle mentioned do they behave like an attention *****? Lots of male friends? Regularly wear revealing clothes and so on.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> 25 years but you are on TAM for some reason though... not poking you in the eye but there obviously has been some not so blissful moments. Those are the times a cheater is likely to falter.
> 
> 1. Why did you accept her past if you are "not that kind"
> 2. Why do you think she changed?


I found TAM while researching infidelity. I do some counseling on the side.

I have learned a lot for my own marriage as well though.

1. I'm confident to the point of arrogance.

2. Her situations were radically different before she met me.

When she was the OW, both times were with men with power over her.

Both her marriages before me were bad choices to pathetic and unfaithful men

I was their opposite. They did cheat first and she had RA's both times.

She felt angry, helpless and alone.

I'm wired a certain way. She could have been an ex prostitute or porn star and I would have dated and married her still.
She did those things not wanting to.

I had the wherewithal to show her a different life and she gladly took it.

I'm the opposite of desperate. I had my pick of many women, even married if I was bent that way, I saw something in her and was right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Get a dog :grin2:


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Get a dog :grin2:


Actually not a bad idea:grin2:

Honestly I miss my Goldens . Had two of them actually. One lived to 12 the other to 13:crying:


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope no way in hell would I. I did that once and got burned. It would never get to the married stage cause I ask that question before we even meet for the first time. As its top of the list of my few automatic deal breakers I won't want to waste time not knowing.

As far as everyone asking the obvious question "why would they even admit it" my personal experience is they can't wait to tell you why they are the exception to the rule. Now maybe guys don't admit it as often as women , I have no frame of reference I don't date guys, but I can tell you everytime I have said I won't have a relationship with cheater, for any reason, no matter why, they always want to tell you the story why they should be viewed as the exception. It's like they can't help themselves and maybe feel like they are being judged so become defensive?? Don't know don't care so long as they admit to it so I can say thanks but no thanks.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Nope no way in hell would I. I did that once and got burned. It would never get to the married stage cause I ask that question before we even meet for the first time. As its top of the list of my few automatic deal breakers I won't want to waste time not knowing.
> 
> As far as everyone asking the obvious question "why would they even admit it" my personal experience is they can't wait to tell you why they are the exception to the rule. Now maybe guys don't admit it as often as women , I have no frame of reference I don't date guys, but I can tell you everytime I have said I won't have a relationship with cheater, for any reason, no matter why, they always want to tell you the story why they should be viewed as the exception. It's like they can't help themselves and maybe feel like they are being judged so become defensive?? Don't know don't care so long as they admit to it so I can say thanks but no thanks.


I think more often that women are asked to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Ergo, we have a greater tendency to expect others to give it to us.


----------

