# i may leave a Fiance that i love



## second thoughts (Dec 2, 2013)

Please Help
Im engaged and over thanksgiving I realized Im not her best friend. 
We had a friend over that ive only met once before. She drove from another state and to sum this up without all the extra details. They sat on the couch together left together to stores. For the first time I felt not left out but shoved aside. There bond actually scared me. I am not her best friend and do i need to be?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

second thoughts said:


> She drove from another state...


How often does she see this friend? And how often does she see you?

No, you are not her best friend, nor will you ever be. That's crap. You need to get some realistic expectations about marriage before you go there, my friend. Spend a few weeks reading through this forum. That'll fix you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

second thoughts said:


> Please Help
> Im engaged and over thanksgiving I realized Im not her best friend.
> We had a friend over that ive only met once before. She drove from another state and to sum this up without all the extra details. They sat on the couch together left together to stores. For the first time I felt not left out but shoved aside. There bond actually scared me. I am not her best friend and do i need to be?


Has it occurred to you that perhaps it is you that is not her best friend? Consider this. She has a friend visit from another State. She is so secure in your relationship that she does not focus on you, but instead focuses on her friend since it is her friend that has temporarily entered her life for a short visit.

It seems that your fiancee is being a courteous hostess by giving her attention to the visiting friend. As with most couples who reside together, they together are a unit and accept themselves as such. So when the household has a visitor, either both or one of them will give their attention to visitor.

So the question is, are you feeling "needy'? Are you so insecure in your relationship that you can't accept her attention going elsewhere for a brief time? If that is the case, then that is the problem. A "Best Friend" accepts their own relationship, feels secure in that relationship, and feels free to engage others in their attention as an act of courtesy to the visitor. And you have a problem with this? Ask yourself why.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women need women friends, who serve a different need than does a husband.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

second thoughts said:


> Please Help
> Im engaged and over thanksgiving I realized Im not her best friend.
> We had a friend over that ive only met once before. She drove from another state and to sum this up without all the extra details. They sat on the couch together left together to stores. For the first time I felt not left out but shoved aside. There bond actually scared me. I am not her best friend and do i need to be?


I had similar fears before I got married... I introduced my fiancé to my best girl friend - and they immediately started to talk showing big interest in each other... I remember my heart sank and I thought what have I done???!!!

Anyway, it was just a talk - nothing else, my fears were imaginary...

So, in your case, I guess you overestimate the importance of your future wife's friend in her life. She has committed to you... Just give them some time together. You can use this time to meet your friends too


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I would not worry too much about it. My wife has some really good friends that when they are around, I don't get any attention. I'm good with it and I'm confident in our relationship. 

That said. I've been married 20+ years and only recently have I become my wife's best friend. I can say it has definitely made a positive difference in our marriage. I would recommend it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Personally I think you missed a chance to let your SO have a good time and do something fun yourself that she may not enjoy.

Personally I love when my wife does something with some of her friends. Gives me a chance to do something I enjoy that she doesn't without feeling guilty.

Besides, do you really want to talk about makeup, babies, periods, clothes and whatever else women like to talk about with their BFFs?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, you don't need to be her best friend and you really don't want to be. Best friends have a platonic relationship. 

Have never understood people claiming their spouse is their best friend. The spouse has a role so much more important than bestie. Turning your spouse into a best friend is a good way to kill the romance, IMO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you are overreacting. 
So her friend came over and they went out shopping and now you want to break off your engagement? 

Huh?

I think that if you truly love her, her having other friends won't bother you as long as she and you have a great connection.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> No, you don't need to be her best friend and you really don't want to be. *Best friends have a platonic relationship.
> *
> Have never understood people claiming their spouse is their best friend. The spouse has a role so much more important than bestie. Turning your spouse into a best friend is a good way to kill the romance, IMO.


:rofl::rofl::rofl: I tend to agree!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> No, you don't need to be her best friend and you really don't want to be. Best friends have a platonic relationship.
> 
> Have never understood people claiming their spouse is their best friend. The spouse has a role so much more important than bestie. Turning your spouse into a best friend is a good way to kill the romance, IMO.


I completely disagree. My spouse IS my very best friend... and more. There is nobody in the world who I would put before him except on a temporary basis and only with his blessing. Because he's my BFF, though, he gives me his blessing.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Put the wedding on hold, you are way too immature to get married.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Holland said:


> Put the wedding on hold, you are way too immature to get married.


That's a bit harsh. Give the guy a break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

From what people tell me my wife tells anyone who will listen that we are best friends but that is not the way I would describe it. That is what I believed we would grow into but as friends go I would say I am somewhere around 5-6.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you have friends? Do you do things with them, like playing video games with them or watching football? Does that detract from the love you have for your fiancee or from your bond with her?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

RClawson said:


> From what people tell me my wife tells anyone who will listen that we are best friends but that is not the way I would describe it. That is what I believed we would grow into but as friends go I would say I am somewhere around 5-6.


 

That makes me sad to read that.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Good, especially old, friendships can be one of the healthiest things to bring to a marriage. You sound overly dependent on her constant and focused attention. Why is that? Did you pick up on something threatening in her bond with this other friend? 

Each of us is part of a community. You can learn much about a person from seeing who that community consists of. I am grateful my H comes from a loving family and he brought with him some amazing lifelong friendships. I don't feel threatened by any of them. I encourage him to stay in touch and take time with his old buddies. 

But he had trouble choosing which came first. 

The day he finally chose that the marriage superseded his old friendships was the day our marriage completely shifted. He realized that the marriage was the rock on which he could safely stand. He actually left a backpacking trip (with one of his best buds) to join up w/ me and the kids on our camping trip, the next mountain range over. At first I felt guilty, but I didn't lure him away. He just realized where he belonged. It was a huge breakthrough for him. He saw he could have both, and when there was a choice, it was safe to choose being with me without a sense of losing his old friendships. 

I don't know if he would call me his best friend. I have best girlfriends, too. But he is my rock and I am his. There is no competition with our other friendships, just an important difference. 

You should feel secure in whatever that is you have together with her, call it what you want, and not feel you must compete with her other friendships.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

questar1 said:


> I don't know if he would call me his best friend. I have best girlfriends, too. But he is my rock and I am his. There is no competition with our other friendships, just an important difference.


It is an important difference. Instead of wanting to be her best friend, how about wanting to be better than a friend - be her man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> No, you don't need to be her best friend and you really don't want to be. Best friends have a platonic relationship.
> 
> *Have never understood people claiming their spouse is their best friend. The spouse has a role so much more important than bestie. Turning your spouse into a best friend is a good way to kill the romance, IMO*.


Ok, gotta respond to this.....we don't feel this way at all...we are HIGH Romancers... Oh my -Yes.. I devoted 2 threads here on ROMANCE ....it's so important to both of us...

My husband has been my best friend (and I his)... since before we even kissed...31 yrs ago.... there has never been a woman in my life since who could come close to what we share together...emotional friendship/ sharing friendship...I run to him with my all...

Now maybe for SOME ....this is not all that big of a deal.. but for others....it could be a contention down the line....if proper boundaries are not in place.... some may crave more personal TIME with a spouse where the other wants their space...more "Girls night out" time...etc...it's something we need to understand & accept before we walk down the aisle ..

***** Now back to the Original posters concerns....If this friend was a woman, I do think you may be over-reacting a bit though.... since she hasn't seen her in a long time.. it seems the communication between the 2 of you is not all that flowing -for this to even be questioned... 

I mean, even though my husband is my best friend, I DO cater to my Girlfriend(s) if they come to visit.. it's about them during that time slot.. my husband could care less, he will happily hang in the background, offer a word or 2.. go busy himself in the garage or something...there is no insecurity...he knows HE is my everything.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Dump her. How dare your fiance presume to have friends other than you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

captainstormy said:


> \
> Besides, do you really want to talk about makeup, babies, periods, clothes and whatever else women like to talk about with their BFFs?


You forgot vacuum cleaners, nail polish, our favorite recipes to make for our husbands, and how to get that pesky stain out of our husband's favorite work shirt.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

wilderness said:


> Dump her. How dare your fiance presume to have friends other than you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:

It's funny... except when it's for real! 

A SO who tells you to choose between him/her or your friends... yikes... Run!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

questar1 said:


> :rofl:
> 
> It's funny... except when it's for real!
> 
> A SO who tells you to choose between him/her or your friends... yikes... Run!!


I actually dated that guy. Yeah. My friendships have lasted way longer than our relationship did.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Clinginess- a turn off for both women and men. You don't want to have that in your M.
I think you are overracting. What was she supposed to do, tell the friend who came from another state that she doesn't have time for her, because she now has a man? Isolate herself from all other people and be with you 24/7? Trust me, there would be huge resentment and she would feel trapped if she complied. And you would get bored too. A couple needs time apart, their own friends- as long as not enemy of the marriage, their " Me" time.
I would suggest you to find some friends of your own to hang out with. Don't smother your gf. Neediness kill romance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

norajane said:


> Do you have friends? Do you do things with them, like playing video games with them or watching football? Does that detract from the love you have for your fiancee or from your bond with her?


Another thing to realize is that you WON'T and SHOULDN'T be spending all your time with your spouse, nor should you be your wife's only best friend. It's not healthy.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My SO isn't my best friend, he's much, much more than that. The love and companionship a committed couple share can never be compared to friendship, IMO, because it is far deeper than any friendship can ever be.

Both you and your GF should have friends that you independently spend time with. Such friendships keep a relationship healthy, IMO.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Quit being a needy clingy wimpo. 

Let me tell you something. Ten years from now, after the kids come and the two of you settle into your prospective roles, and the shine is off the apple, you are going to be begging that out of state BFF to come visit more often! He'll you will offer to pay for her plane ticket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

My wife and I are transplants with no kids. Making friends outside work or neighbors has always been difficult. My wife always really wanted a true BFF to shop and talk girl stuff with but has not ever really found someone like that and it actually hurts her self-esteem. 

Let her have her friends, It will keep her happy and that should make you happy. Now if she hung out with her all of the time and went out clubbing or things like that you may get concerned but this sounds like she is just being a normal female. 

I suggest you get over these feelings fast. Your future wife is way more than your friend. She is your other half of a union. I'd be sure to be sure to be nice to her friend and make her feel you are a good match for her bff. If not she will get a bad impression of you and she will start questioning your Fiance's decission on mating with you. That would not be a good thing. She is not competition, she is just her friend. Don't sweat this. Embrace it. It is normal.


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