# My curse of Loving Forever....



## mjv305 (Apr 27, 2013)

Well, this is my first post here as this news just came to light. Its the story of the last days of my marriage, my behavior and the fateful night. 

My W and I have been together over 7 years and married for 4 1/2 years. We have been a predominantly long distance our entire relationship but have handled it well. I am in the military and have been stationed in Italy where she did not come due to many reasons, Key West where we happily lived together and then Pensacola where I got selected to become a Naval Aviator. She stayed in Key West to complete her nursing degree and it has been 13 months since I left for Aviation.

After years and years of being apart we had a goal for her to become a nurse so she would be able to get a good job no matter where I was stationed. 7 years together, we did not live with each other for about 6 of them. She graduates in 6 days, our goal was almost attained, but it seems we will never make it.

Our past is long with the ups and downs. I would say harder than most due to the distance, but nonetheless, a normal married couple. The main events were that had I cheated before we were married and she found out and we fixed things. She cheated while we were married when I was in Italy and almost left me for the guy. I fought for her because I loved her, she came back, we fixed things, but I never really trusted her again. I loved her very much so even though it was hard as I was always doubting her and always trying to dissect everything she was doing, I stayed with her. I married this women and was not going to leave her. I loved her with all my heart. I forgave her and wanted to trust her, though it was super hard, I tried.

The story goes on, but I cant write it all here, it would be a novel. A couple of months back I started feeling her become a little distant, and didn't like it. We started fighting and arguing over the phone. I couldn't figure out the problem but I was starting to get angry with her for her lack of caring and the fights and arguments just escalated. On the 16th of April she called me and told me she doesn't think she can do this anymore and that she doesn't want to be with me because she is so unhappy. At first I was angry, but that quickly went away and was overcome with sadness. I was so hurt and never thought in a million years she would do this. I immediately talked to my chain of command and went on emergency leave to come home to do whatever I could. I took a plane to Miami where she happened to be visiting for a couple of days. During the three days being so close to me she and after not seeing me for previous three months she gave me a total of 4 hours face time. She finally told me she is not in love with me anymore and that she is not happy. She told me she has been unhappy for some time and that the love she had for me faded. She told me she had been just burying all the bad deep down for so long and could not take it anymore. That I scarred her and broke her. I was devastated. I broke down in front of her. We broke down together. We hugged each other and comforted each other. I believe now she just felt sorry for me. 

She went back to Key West, I asked her if I could come, she said she doesn't think its a good idea and left. I waited a day then decided to drive down there and surprise her by cooking her a nice dinner and buying her 100's of flowers to put all around the house for her after she got off her shift. I did, she ate, we talked. She had to get up early for another shift so even thought it was our place, I gave her space and stayed at hotel. Same thing goes for the second night. I took her to dinner, we ate, talked and again she needed to go to sleep early. I couldn't take the pain I was going through so I walked into the bedroom and asked her was she mad that I showed up and was she too nice to tell me to leave?

This is the bad part....

It was late, she had to wake up very early, and this soon became the worst night in my life. She told me she appreciated what I had done but I couldn't change her mind. She had made it up and it took so much for her to do it. I asked her a few questions and she answered by telling me there was nothing I could do to change her mind. We were both crying. She then told me it was over forever. I tried her to take it back that forever is a long time. She did not. This women is the love of my life. I was crushed. She followed me downstairs where I began to tell her that when I love someone I love them forever. 

I have not been a great husband. I was mean to her sometimes, I got angry often at little things, I always gave her a hard time when she wanted money or needed money (that stopped a while back though but she said she was scarred from it), I wasn't interested in kids until we were both settled, I never gave her the wedding of her dreams, I didn't tell her how much I needed her, missed her, how much she meant to me, or that I was proud of her enough, but I loved her with all my heart and she loved me. There were many good times but now I cant seem to get all the bad stuff I have done to her out of my head. My heart was broken once before. I loved a girl in high school and she broke up with me and I was destroyed. I knew where I went wrong and asked for a second chance and never got it. The same thing is happening here. I know my shortcomings and know how easy it would be to change for her because of how much I love her. It be the easiest thing in the world for me. I would give her anything in the world. I pleaded for a chance. She said it wouldn't make a difference. She said it was too late. 

I would change me entire life for this women. I would quit the job of my dreams for her. I would work double to support her for the rest of her life. It took me over 4 years to get over my last love which was just a girlfriend. She is my wife. She was my first girlfriend since my last love. I am in such a bad place now and don't know what to do. I can't seem to understand how her love died so hard and so fast for me.

It is true that you do not know what you have until its gone. I took it for granted that she would always be there for me, and now she is not. This girl loved me with all she had at one point. Head over heals. Crazy in love. And now its gone. My world is upside down. How can I go on working? flying? It seems so hard.. I want nothing in this world more than for her to love me again. Like my title says, I love forever. Its my curse.

Could there be another guy? Does love really vanish like this? Is there hope? I want to see her. I want to talk to her. I want to be with her. I can't get her out of my mind. I have barely been eating.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well, im sorry your here. Its sounds like you've made a lot of mistakes that you admit too, and because of the distance involved, made it easier to disconnect. I recommend you get yourself into some therapy right away, and take care of yourself first. You cant fix a broken marriage when the issues were never really solved in the first place. At this point, your marriage and your wife are distant memories, neither can EVER be the same again. 

The last thing you should be doing is begging pleading or crying to her about how you can change. I'm sure she's seen enough of that already. If you want to have any chance, you need to start fixing you!!
Sounds like you admit theres plenty to work on. This all sounds like its not gonna work out the way your hoping for, but guess, what, if you don't fix yourself, your gonna drag these same issues into your next relationship anyways. So work on becoming a better person, look in the mirror and make the changes cause you know you need/want to.

Good luck and stay strong, the TAM forums are a great place to come to get more advice, or just come to vent on a bad day.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi mjv305 - 

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this painful situation. You have come to the right place for support and understanding, as many of us have been through -- or are going through -- variations on a similar scenario as yours. 

Have you read about "The 180" (see link below)?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/609945-post77.html

This is recommended reading for the left behind spouse who is wanting to save the marriage. Keep posting here and you will get helpful feedback fro some wise and sympathetic folks  

Good luck, it sounds like you have a really big heart, and that's a terrific asset.

Kind Regards,- A12


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, love can die fast. Yes, there could be another man. She's the only one who knows.

You can't control what she does, or whether she comes back, so right now you need to work on *you*. The 180 is an excellent place to start. 

Time will tell what happens with her. That's unknown. Focus on yourself. Tell yourself you can handle this because you can. I know it's a shock and it's turned your world upside down. But the only person you can fix is you. 

So start now. And stay strong.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

mjv305 said:


> I began to tell her that when I love someone I love them forever...
> 
> ...Like my title says, I love forever.


Wait. What?



mjv305 said:


> I loved a girl in high school...
> 
> ...She was my first girlfriend since my last love.


Really?

Reread your post. Pretend that your best friend wrote it, instead of you. You'll find that your words are saying one thing, while your actions are saying something quite different.

For example...



mjv305 said:


> She went back to Key West, I asked her if I could come, she said she doesn't think its a good idea and left. I waited a day then decided to drive down there and surprise her by cooking her a nice dinner and buying her 100's of flowers to put all around the house for her after she got off her shift.


She makes a clear boundary... "Don't follow me to Key West". But you do it anyway.

Just like my AXW, you are going to keep having the same trouble with women over and over and over again, until you fix your own problems.

Stop worrying about winning her back, and get your own **** together... Do that, and she may notice and come back on her own. If she doesn't, then you'll be in good shape to be okay with her leaving and you'll be in good shape for the next woman you'll love forever.


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## mjv305 (Apr 27, 2013)

I want to talk to her all the time. I can't stop thinking of her. 

I am not mentally capable of flying an aircraft now and i don't think my heart is in it anymore. My life is falling apart....


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## mjv305 (Apr 27, 2013)

She also lives in an apt under my name that i'm paying for and filled with everything i bought..She said we are over forever but i am hanging on by a glimmer of hope and could not bring myself to kick her out. She is still in nursing school and needs to live there. Is this why she hasn't told me if there's another guy?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

You will get through this! These are normal feelings to have in the early days of this process. It is a loss, and you are going to greive, but you can contain this and manage it. Take it easy on yourself. Challenge the validity of every negative thought by replacing it with a positive one. Concentrate on all the things in your life that you are grateful for.

Trust me, I have these thoughts come and go still, after a year of separation and probable (soon) D. For example, thoughts such as "I can never be happy without him, there can be no one else for me." REALLY, is that the truth? No. I have had many happy periods of my life before I even met my STBXH, and I will be happy again.

You are not alone, and I hope you will find the love and support you need and deserve to get through this difficult time. Are you close with any certain family members who could be part of your support network?

Hang in there, and keep us posted. I know it sucks, but you really are going to be OK, and things will ge better, you will see!

Keep the Faith, - A12


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## mjv305 (Apr 27, 2013)

when will she let me know about OM?


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## Ralphsmom (Jan 24, 2013)

I'm sorry for what you are going through, i have been through a very similar situation....
My husband decided, after a year-long deployment to Afghanistan, that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. "My heart's just not in it", is all that I have been told. He will not see me, will not communicate with me, does not support me....just basically left me for dead. So I have experienced exactly what you are facing, this unbelievable seemingly sudden loss, worse than if they were to have died. 
What I think you are looking for here, as all of us have at one time or another, is for someone to give you answers as to what happened. How could she have just disconnected like that? There has to be a reason, and you want to know what it is. Because if you find out the reason, then maybe you can fix it, right? 
I hate to tell you this, but you may never have answers. My husband is probably having an affair, which is probably the reason that I lost him, but he is doing everything he can to shield himself from having to tell me that. He lives his life in secret, and short of hiring a private investigator to follow him around and provide me answers, I have to just deal with it. I can do nothing to fix or change the decisions he has made, I can only take care of myself, surround myself with people that support and love me, and prepare for a future that looks very different than the one I had hoped and planned for. I love forever too, my husband is the only man I ever loved, but I can't think about what might happen down the road. I advise you to do the same, focus only on the present day. Get through it as best you can. Find positives whenever you can. It hurts like hell, no question, but you really have to just focus on you right now. Because trust me, I tried everything I could think of to show my husband love and support over the past year, despite him being terrible to me, and it was a waste of effort on my part. 
It's not what you want to hear, I know, but sadly, you just may never get the answers you are seeking out right now. 
Prayers going up for you....


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are in this situation and thank you for your service to our country, you are an American hero.

If you don't start working on yourself instead of focusing the WAW, you are going to drive yourself crazy. You can only control you and make decisions for YOU.

Get some counseling ASAP and start figuring out the family and friends you can reach out to in a moments notice to help you in really bad times. Trust me friend, you are going to need it and you need to do it for YOU.

FYI, the skills will come back again trust me. I can cook a gourmet meal with an empty fridge in 30 minutes. When my WAW left, I could not even figure out what a chef knife was for. After about three weeks with some hard work, great support and me focusing on ME, it came back.

I soloed before I could drive a car so I know how deep the love of flying is. That love of flying is going to be critical over the next month or two. Work towards gettting behind the stick, it is going to be your best therapy.

Be strong warrior,
Stretch


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