# What do I do now?



## Janegabb (Dec 27, 2015)

My husband of 12 years and I are currently going through reconciliation after I found out last year that the had been cheating on dating sites for most of our marriage. When I found out, I was devastated and traumatized, and he insisted that he wants to stay married to me, and loves me. He is currently paying $100 per session for marriage counseling which we have been attending for six months... yet, when we are given "homework" by the counselor, he always forgets and it is always me who has to remind him. Although in his mind he thinks is trying, I still feel that there is an emotional vacuum, and feel that he is only going through the motions in order to avoid an expensive divorce. I have told him exactly that ... and I have told him I'm not afraid to be alone and move on. I've told him that I still don't trust him. Sometimes he gets annoyed and defensive, and acts like he merely wants me around to keep the house clean and pay my half of the bills (I work full time... he does not support me) We have children from previous marriages that are adults and on their own, so that is not an issue. I believe that he is continuing to see women (or one woman) behind my back but has found better ways to hide it. I am on here because I need some advice ... I met with a lawyer a year ago, but can't afford one right now, otherwise I'd be gone. I decided to give him a chance, but so far his words of "love" don't sound authentic to me. I found lots of prior evidence of his cheating, but over the past year have found nothing. He says he has stopped looking at dating sites and meeting women, but I don't believe him. He said he would take a lie detector test but told me that if he was found innocent, that I should owe him $1,000" as a bet. I refused to pay $1,000 and told him that was bullying me, and that he was trying to intimidate to keep from going through with the lie detector test. I tried to kick him out of the house but he refuses to leave, and says he loves me and wants to "grow" together. How can I find out if he is still cheating? I am so stressed out and I need your voices.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Does he guard his phone? 

Is he tech savvy?

And why do you still want to be with him?

How old are you? 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are some things that you can do:

1) Check his phone bills and see if there are some numbers that he talks with often and a lot. Or a pattern of calls to numbers that make no sense.

2) Do a download of the messages/txt on his cell phone. Even the deleted ones can often be down loaded. See the link below for help on how to do that.

3) Get 2 VARs (voice activated recorder). Adhere one up under the driver side seat of his car. Every day or two swap out the VAR so that you can check the recording. Most cheaters use their car as a private phone booth.

4) Put a key logger on his computer (webwatcher.com). The logger will send screen shots and key stroke logs to a website where you can view them and see what he is up to. The key logger will also capture passwords to sites he goes to.

5) I also found a lot of evidence just searching his car... every thing, like even the wheel well. 

If you do this snooping, do not tell him every time you find something. You need to snoop long enough to the evidence you need, come up with a plan and then confront him after you have a plan.

Here is a thread that might help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Have you considered doing the divorce yourself? Most states (if not all) have self-help websites. You could draw it up with a settlement. File it and have him served. Then he can respond.

Do you know what the laws are in your state for things like division of property?


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## Janegabb (Dec 27, 2015)

He doesn't guard his phone, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have another one, a paid non-contract Trac phone or whatever. He is somewhat tech savvy, but not any more than I am. To be honest, I don't want to be with him, but want to give him a chance -- When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said "something meaningful." So he gave me an expensive diamond bracelet and said it was "precious and beautiful" just like I am to him. I am 64 and he is 74. I am slim and fit, and look young for my age so I am told. He is bald, paunchy has crooked teeth but otherwise very healthy and plays golf a lot (I found out he has had many women golf partners who he invited to enjoy "adult fun" with him after golf). Although he tells me that no longer happens, I believe he's lying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am a huge proponent of reconciliation after an affair. I think that most couples could do it and go on to have a great marriage. But that's with a one-time cheater. 

With someone who is a serial cheater of the type he is, I would find it very hard to believe that they stopped. Instead they just take it more underground usually.

At his age, he is probably considering that one day he will need to you take care of him. How convenient for him. 

You need to take care of yourself. This nonsense can sap your good health.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

OMG the spy dudes here will love you! You already know that he has cheated during the marriage and he won't stop.


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