# Wife's childhood friend is hitting on her hard and she is not shutting it down



## confusedman741851 (Apr 22, 2019)

* 
This is my story


TLDR: Childhood friend my wife had a crush on is hitting on her now and she is not shutting down and playing along.

Backstory: Me (34) wife (32) have moved to the other side of the country a few years ago and never went back to see family and friends. We have two kids and don’t have a lot of money, so never flew back. Her parents offered to pay for the plane tickets for her and the kids, she would be staying in her cousin’s house, as it has lots of space and they grew up very closely.

After she told family and friends she would be staying for 3 weeks, this guy, let’s call him Joe (32?) started messaging her on facebook saying he would like to see her. From time to time they exchange messages, as they were close friends when growing up, so nothing weird here.

She changed her cellphone to a new one a couple days before traveling (important) 

A few days after arriving she asked me to turn the phone on and send her a file she forgot to copy. Then, several notifications start popping up, I find it weird that Joe’s sent several messages, and I know it’s wrong but I went in to check it out, that’s when I discovered a very concerning conversation.

One day they’d be having pizza on her cousin’s and she texted Joe asking him if he’d come. He did and apparently told in a playful manner in front of everyone that he finds her hot and likes her.

After the pizza night they keep exchanging messages more actively and now he is full on direct, saying he wants to be with her alone. Want’s her so badly. She never shuts him down, but keeps saying he shouldn't say those things, he is crazy, a joker and doesn't believe in him. But* she always sends good night and little kisses with hearts emoticons. This conversation kept repeating itself for a couple days.

The two major points from the messages for me are:

1. He told her to be straight with him. And asked if she would hook up. She replies he is crazy and I wouldn't like it.

2. She kept insisting and wanting to know why is he saying all these things and wants her so much. She mentions he rejected her when they were teens (here is when I found out about this), then she moved out, married, fattened up, had 2 kids and now he wants her, why?

She will be staying there for a little over a week now.

It bothers me so much that she is not shutting him down and keeps playing this game.

Why does she want to know it so much? He obviously just wants to get laid. Is it a thing of power that he rejected her and now she wants to reject him? Is she just flattered he wants her after all this time? Does she still has feelings for him? I’m at a loss here.

I’m inclined to wait and talk to her only when she is back, because I want to trust her not to go forward with this and don’t want to discuss this over the phone.

How big of a red flag is this? It seems nothing physical happened so far.

What do you think I should do? How do I approach her when I see her?


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Don't waste time reading Not just friends. You know what he's after. Tell her ITS NO GAME!
Take a stand with your wife. 
Have her send emails, and texts with you there watching that tell him "I'm married I am not interested in you"
Then have her block his number, write it down so you know it.
Periodically check her phone to see if it still blocked and where it's at in her blocked list.
Almost all affairs that happen on social media happen with past acquaintances. 
My wife's did too.
She is going to have sex with him ASAP.....stop it while you can.


----------



## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

You know what's going on. I suggest you put a stop to it ASAP. She hasn't shut it down and now considering going all the way (it might be too late). I would call both your wife and the other guy and put a stop to it. I hope you can the ability to stand up for your marriage before it's too late.

Dreamer


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I might even consider putting my ass on a plane and showing up there to intervene in person. 

In the most forceful way.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree -- you need to talk with her NOW and get this shut down. NO MORE lunches or ANY contact with a guy who is actively trying to convince her to have sex. 
She, if she really valued the marriage, would block that from the word GO.

"She replies he is crazy and I wouldn't like it."
Notice she didn't say that SHE doesn't like it -- you need to call her asap and have this stopped cold and tell her if she doesn't then she can stay there and expect papers to be delivered.

Do you know anyone there who can verify that she doesn't seem him anymore?

Some nice family-in-laws you have -- her cousin openly allows this and doesn't call her on it? You know THEY don't have your back.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Probably best to call "Joe" unless you can afford to get there in person


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are talking when you should be acting. 

I would also tell her this is not how my current wife will act with another man. 

You need to get strong and stand up or you'll be wishing you had.

No time to be paralyzed with fear. I do have to say your wife may not be wife material letting this **** go on and her covert actions with her x

If it were me I'd tell you you have 2 choices. Leave now or accept you X status.

Sounds like ypure to weak to do anything. You'll be sorry.

Better wake up !!!!!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That is beyond a red flag. This guy is propositioning her for sex and she's playing coy. This is going to end up with them getting together and your wife claiming, I didn't mean for it to happen, it's just that one thing led to another. The usual BS that women use to not be held accountable. 

As for you "snooping" you have every right to to check on your wife if your gut is telling you something is off. As the man you have to be on guard for the family. By not shutting this down hard, she's sending this guy the signal that she like his confident manner but is not yet ready, so keep at it. That's why he's turning up the heat. This guy is so close he can almost take her. Before the 3 weeks are up, he will be hitting that.

Personally I would be flying there for a couple of days to surprise your family and let your presense be known and put this guy on notice face to face. Confronting her remotely, may just get you blocked on her accounts and her accusing you of being controlling, with her using that as an opening to vent to OM, which he'll use as a catalyst to sweet talk those panties off.

I don't want to be alarmist but you do NOT have time to wait. We've read threads like your so many times. Usually the BH comes here after it already happened, wondering why their wife is so distant.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I dont care how busy work is. Or whatever other excuse.

Print every message. Then get on a plane, go to her, confront her with it. She either shuts it down now or doesn't bother coming home - ever.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I'd give her a call and explain you're having issues with a guy hitting on his wife and you're not around to put him in his place, as he should be. That the choice is hers, either she comes back immediately or you're heading back there. That you understand the fun it must feel being hit on, but this isn't a Westworld thing. It's real world with real consequences. That she didn't shut him down instantly when he suggested they hook up is something you do have an issue with. And that you love her dearly.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Who's this OM? Is he some handsome successful guy?
Is Joe married? If so, tell his wife.

Do you have access to their texts? 
Does your wife know you're reading the texts?

Print out/save the texts.

She's addicted to the texts and his attention (sounds like she's overweight and surprised he's attracted to her - and likes it). This could quickly escalate if you don't take firm action now. 

She needs to agree to NC with this man because he admits to wanting sex.
They are no longer just friends!

She needs to understand that the OM is putting her marriage at risk. You are in a weak position sitting at home. Since you're so far away you can't monitor them. About the only thing you can do is (in view of the texts) inform her that you expect her to pass a polygraph test when she returns.

Expose him to her parents and cousin (particularly the cousin putting them together).
Inform them about Joe's intentions, the texts and that they are no longer just friends.
Ask them (if not for you then for the sake of your kids) to block/discourage any further contact from Joe.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Robert22205 said:


> She needs to understand that the OM is putting her marriage at risk.


I agree with most of your post, but she does not need "to understand that the OM is putting her marriage at risk". She needs to understand that she is putting her marriage at risk.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Joe sounds typical of low self-esteem types.

Sad her family didn't put him in his place. 

Sounds like you have a few choices. 

Fly out, head it off and confront him.

Don't call him while she is still visiting because if he is the type I think he will use that to finish bedding her, unless it's a conference call with her silent and you have the skills to trip him up.


Casual Observer has a good idea too.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is playing with fire but also clearly enjoying the attention which is worrying. She is fishing for compliments from him. If I had a man doing what he is, I would have blocked him ages ago. Her answers are not making him see that its not going to happen.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

confusedman741851 said:


> 2. She kept insisting and wanting to know why is he saying all these things and wants her so much. She mentions he rejected her when they were teens (here is when I found out about this), then she moved out, married, fattened up, had 2 kids and now he wants her, why?


 Boy, she's really desperate for compliments and is constantly fishing for attention and compliments from this guy, isn't she?

She's obviously taking every opportunity to have him around so she can bask in all the attention she can get out of him. It's almost bordering on pitiful, from the texts you've shared in this thread. But she makes sure to give him JUST enough to keep him orbiting around her thinking he might get lucky.



> Why does she want to know it so much? He obviously just wants to get laid.


Of course that's what he's angling for. I don't think he's too interested in wanting her full-time, now does he like want to take on an insta-family of your kids or deal with the drama and baggage of her very angry soon-to-be-ex-husband. I also doubt he wants to deal with a long distance 'romance' with a married woman who lives far away and has nothing to offer him (except sexting and pictures for him to get off to). That's hardly enough to keep most men satisfied.



> Is it a thing of power that he rejected her and now she wants to reject him?
> Is she just flattered he wants her after all this time?
> Does she still has feelings for him?


Yes to all 3.



> I’m inclined to wait and talk to her only when she is back, because I want to trust her not to go forward with this and don’t want to discuss this over the phone.


He knows he's got a week left to wear her down. And SHE knows she can only tease him so long before she has to put up or shut up. She may very well decide to see if fantasy matches reality the last night she's there and go for it. Who knows what she'll decide to do?



> How big of a red flag is this?


Have you seen all the flags flapping and waving in the wind at the starting line of the Indy 500?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

red oak said:


> Joe sounds typical of low self-esteem types.
> 
> Sad her family didn't put him in his place.
> 
> ...


I don't get it. I honestly don't.

What are we, in the schoolyard? Good old Joe isn't the OP's problem. His *wife*, desperate for attention and compliments and obviously *VERY HAPPILY WILLING* to keep engaging good old Joe every single chance she gets - is the OP's problem.

Jesus, she's not a 12 year old virginal ingenue who doesn't know any better and is too innocent and pure to realize she's being _preyed_ on by a big, bad predator and needs her daddy to come rescue her. Everything she's doing she's doing by *CHOICE*. No one is forcing themselves on her and the OP didn't write anything about Joe holding a gun to his wife's head or kidnapping her and tying her up in his basement. Why on EARTH is it her family's 'responsibility' to put this guy in his place? Why is it the OP's responsibility to put him in his place? Why is everyone acting like his wife is some kind of hot house flower who needs everyone to protect her even though she's the one whose making sure this **** show *continues*? 

Joe isn't the OP's problem. His *WIFE* is his problem.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't get it. I honestly don't.
> 
> What are we, in the schoolyard? Good old Joe isn't the OP's problem. His *wife*, desperate for attention and compliments and obviously *VERY HAPPILY WILLING* to keep engaging good old Joe every single chance she gets - is the OP's problem.
> 
> ...


And she says her husband wouldn't like it. Wall, neither should she.

She needs to get back home with her kids ASAP. And block that man's number.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

One time I had an opportunity to put the breaks on before I entered an intersection.

I said **** it will be okay.

Care to guess what happened ??

55


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> And she says her husband wouldn't like it. Wall, *neither should she.*
> 
> She needs to get back home with her kids ASAP. And block that man's number.


Yep. That's why this is such a red flag. Woman is clearly missing the point here. As is anybody who read the post and didn't have that leap right off the page for them.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't get it. I honestly don't.
> 
> What are we, in the schoolyard?


In her mind, she is in a schoolyard. Infidelity boards are full of people that have emotional affairs and physical affairs with people that they knew when they were young. 

At a function for our youngest child, my wife bumped into someone that she briefly dated back when she was young. I arrived on the scene later, and when we got serious I specifically asked her to end all contact with him because she could not say that he only wanted to be just friends with her; he was openly pissed at me for this. When she bumped into him years later, they immediately hit it off and spent the time chatting away. She knowingly bumped into him again a few more times before she told me that she saw him. She admitted that she liked talking to him because he made her feel young again. All the memories that she had of him and he had of her were free of all the illnesses and other dramas of normal life. Although she did put a stop to it, having him talk to her about when they were young did make her feel good.

Bottom line is that what your wife is feeling is normal, but not putting a stop to it when he directly propositions her for sex is not.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I agree that your wife is a problem, not Joe. I always assumed my wife would be hit on. Since I find her attractive and sexy why would any other man not see her as I do.

The problem is that she did not shut him down when openly proposed sex. She just said "why" and "my husband would not like that" when she should have said "don' ever contact me again.

If you confront in text or over the phone she will just find a way to stop your ability to see the messages. You will never know what she did or did not do. If you cannot hop a plane and just show up with all the printed texts in hand, I would keep quiet and continue to monitor.

It is not the best solution but might be the only way to get the truth about what could happen. If she does cave I'm sure you will see text from Joe saying how much he enjoyed it and maybe from her as well.

You have to now decide what you will do if she does cave and have sex with him. Even if she does not do that, you have to decide how you want to deal with a wife who asks a guy why they want sex with her instead of shutting him down. Either way I would be waiting, printed text in hand, when she gets home and ask her if she wants a divorce so she can have Joe.

My main question to myself is "do I really want a wife who would act this way"? Even if


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I might even consider putting my ass on a plane and showing up there to intervene in person.
> 
> In the most forceful way.


Hell yes, if it was my wife under siege, I would show up and give the POSOM and attitude adjustment.>


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Dude, don't wait, family will ignore people doing dumb crap and even encourage it. I hate to say it, but you have no idea what she has said about you to them. As someone who was in the money tight and busy at work my high school friend garbage, shut it down. 

No compromise.
No meeting half way.
No delflections.
No subject change.
No, "but what about you."

She gets a choice, him or you. The important thing is you stand by your decision. Don't say "him or me" and then backdown. If you are too scared or feel guilty for checking the messages, then don't draw a hard line. 

Don't wait and lose the guilt for checking. It's still amazes me how snooping a phone, when you feel there is cheating, is held worse than an affair by some people. There is a certain level of privacy in a marriage, stay single if you demand emails, accounts and phones are off limits. 

Oh and let me add, the not knowing is bad, waiting until she has an affair is MUCH WORSE. Shut this down now.


Edit:

Oh and stop the blamshifting. As SSGI said above, she knows exactly what she is doing and is probably enjoying it more than the guy. Don't fall into the "Power tripping predatory groomer who loves married women." He wants sex and IMO so does she.


----------



## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Either you come and get her, or he cums in her.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't get it. I honestly don't.
> 
> What are we, in the schoolyard? Good old Joe isn't the OP's problem. His *wife*, desperate for attention and compliments and obviously *VERY HAPPILY WILLING* to keep engaging good old Joe every single chance she gets - is the OP's problem.
> 
> ...


We don't know the whole situation. 
She has thrown her husband between them and in a polite way told him no.
Some wouldn't do that.
I have to say least give her applause for that.

She is falling prey to all the feel good childhood memories, and the other man is using that for an opportunity to chisel away.


----------



## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I had a similar situation many years ago. My X had escorted our son with severe medical issues to the major centre in the area we live in. I knew this older male had the hots for her and lo and behold, she told me that he was advising her! ( understand now, that we did not have cell phone service at the time). I asked what she was doing still there when we had 3 kids at home and I worked shift work, so childcare was pretty much out. When I asked how often and long she was at the hospital with our son, she said daily for one hour as that’s all she was allowed.

I told her under no uncertain terms that her ass had better be on the next flight home and I would take time off work to deal with the medical issue or, stay there and our marriage was done. Her ass was on the next flight home!

OP, I wish you and your family well.

OT


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Confusedman... you’re not confused. You know damn well what is going to happen if you do not put your foot down.
He who does not wish to be ****ed with does. It **** over. It is time for you to declare war on POSOM....NOW!
Women respect strength not fecklessness. Man up.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Confused, she likes the kibbles a lot. And it wouldn't surprise me if she has reciprocated by now. This is the start of a PA.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Hell yes, if it was my wife under siege, I would show up and give the POSOM and attitude adjustment.>


I do not get why the OP sits at home because he wants to save money. The cost of flying there right now is a fraction of the cost of an attorney if you get divorced over her cheating; and there are a lot more costs in a divorce than just the attorney fees. The OP needs to do something now before his wife does something that he cannot live with.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Confused, I know that unanimous reaction you've received must rattle you but you really need to take the warnings to heart. After reading on TAM for years as well as other similar boards, we TAMers have seen this play out countless times. I know you feel your wife is different but her actions so far show that she's falling for this guy's move.

This is a guy from her pass that she was into but he wasn't into her. So there's a little of he's the one that got away. Don't think that just because she has the kids that she won't dumped them with family so she can have a night with this guy. With you not in the picture, she's sees this as her opportunity to live it up and not be just a wife and mom. Now she's a woman getting chased by a high school crush. 

Since they have some history, things will move at a very fast pace. So I really don't think you have time to sit around and wait. Personally, I would fly in for a surprise visit but it sounds like that's not financially possible for you. If that is the case, you need to confront her with the evidence you have and stand firm that you have a right to check on each other if something isn't right. She needs to shut this guy down and not spend anytime with him.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TRy said:


> I do not get why the OP sits at home because he wants to save money. The cost of flying there right now is a fraction of the cost of an attorney if you get divorced over her cheating; and there are a lot more costs in a divorce than just the attorney fees. The OP needs to do something now before his wife does something that he cannot live with.


 @TRy is right, but I'd handle it slightly differently.
I'd look at it the other way. He should tell his wife she comes home immediately and she or her family can pick up the ticket change cost. If not there will be a poly waiting for her when she does get home and if that's a problem or she fails it then she'll get handed divorce papers. I'd also tell her that if she blocks you on texts or any social media it will be the same as refusing the poly. That being said, She will meet him in person to explain and for "closure" if you're not there, so bank on that. She needs to realize she has seriously crossed a boundary. You had better play this quick, hard and decisive or you WILL lose. It's played out here a thousand times.


----------



## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

They will get physical the first night she is there. 
She's been thinking about it and will be thinking about it the whole way there.
Yes, she is to blame, but so is your passivity.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

confusedman741851 said:


> *
> This is my story
> 
> 
> ...



Last part wrong move. Should have asked her wtf she was doing and that she would be coming home to divorce papers if that is what she is wanting.


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

But then again maybe they have already ****ed and he is still making comments about how much he wants it more and that is why she is saying you are crazy for the way he is talking .


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Well, she likely has intentions to bang him. The phone texts with emoticons says it all.

There is likely more that has been transpiring below the surface. Iceberg....10% you know90% you don’t. 

Be bold you win, be timid you lose.

If you can’t afford to fly where she is, a telephone call to her boyfriend might be in order.call her parents and let them know what she is up to.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I am hoping the OP isn't reading these responses right now because he is either driving or on a plane and cannot use Wi-Fi. At the very least, I am hoping he is busy sending copies of all of these messages certified mail to his wife and, if this dude is married, to the other man's wife as well.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

confusedman741851 said:


> She changed her cellphone to a new one a couple days before traveling (important)


Why is that important? Are you saying that she planned the "flirtation"?


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

No matter what happens, even if nothing more happens, you will have a lot of mental anguish to deal with knowing that your wife did not shut down another man's very direct sexual intentions.

I think you should send the messages to your wife's parents and cousin.

Then let your wife contact you. When she does, let her know she can be with bozo from high school, just send the kids back.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> confusedman741851 said:
> 
> 
> > She changed her cellphone to a new one a couple days before traveling (important)
> ...


He also said that once she got there, she asked him to activate her new phone for her. I think what he is saying is that the reason he is privy to all of these messages is because he activated the phone and can see it.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd look at it the other way. He should tell his wife she comes home immediately and she or her family can pick up the ticket change cost. If not there will be a poly waiting for her when she does get home and if that's a problem or she fails it then she'll get handed divorce papers. I'd also tell her that if she blocks you on texts or any social media it will be the same as refusing the poly. That being said, She will meet him in person to explain and for "closure" if you're not there, so bank on that. She needs to realize she has seriously crossed a boundary. You had better play this quick, hard and decisive or you WILL lose. It's played out here a thousand times.


I agree. I'm not sure why some men insist on pounding their chest and 'rescuing the poor damsel from the predator.' I get the impression men take this stance because it's easier on their egos to THINK they have to rescue the woman from the evil man than it is to face the truth - that their 'damsel' is actually very happily engaging right back with said predator rather than being dedicated to their husbands. Like it or not, that's the REALITY of these situations.

I agree with the Rubix Cubed - I'd be telling her she can get her ass home *tonight *or you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. There's no need to fly there and make yourself look insecure and desperate.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree. I'm not sure why some men insist on pounding their chest and 'rescuing the poor damsel from the predator.' I get the impression men take this stance because it's easier on their egos to THINK they have to rescue the woman from the evil man than it is to face the truth - that their 'damsel' is actually very happily engaging right back with said predator rather than being dedicated to their husbands. Like it or not, that's the REALITY of these situations.
> 
> I agree with the Rubix Cubed - I'd be telling her she can get her ass home *tonight *or you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. There's no need to fly there and make yourself look insecure and desperate.


Agree. And sorry, but one plane ticket isn't going to bankrupt anyone. Use a credit card, borrow from someone, anything. If her family can pay for their tickets there, they can help with this too.

If I saw those messages, damn straight she'd be getting a call, like, immediately.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One of the many obligations that goes along with marriage is to avoid any situation that creates doubt about whether a spouse is or intends to be faithful.

Permitting sexually oriented texts sends a message that she's available (particularly when out of town for 3 weeks in the same town as the OM) and therefore creates doubt about her intent to be faithful.

It's unfair that you have to live with that doubt. Every spouse deserves to feel safe.
Trust is a wonderful thing but once it's destroyed it's very difficult to restore.

Your wife now has the task of restoring trust (very difficult when she's out of town and out of sight). Ask her how she intends to restore your trust?

Among other things she needs to reframe the OM's attention as a threat to her marriage and as a threat to her kids' happy home. The OM is not a nice guy. Nice guys don't destroy marriages (nor even joke about it). Nice guys don't disrespect a married mom with sexually oriented texts.

When you confront she'll get angry and say you're jealous and/or that you're over reacting or spying on her. Don't argue with her about whether you have a right to feel unsafe. There's lots of people in the world for her to be friends with (other than this POS). 

Once they realize you're monitoring their texts they will use another App that blocks you. Since they are both out of town you will have no solid evidence as to whether it escalated to sex. You will have to live with the doubt that she (the texts) created.

IMO (if you can't join her) your best shot to blow this up before it escalates is to get her parents involved and to inform her that due to her decision to NOT shut down the OM's sexually orientated texts she'll need to restore your trust by passing a polygraph test. 

Hopefully, the threat of a polygraph will encourage her to act appropriately vs text like a single woman.

Note: She's not passive. She made a decision to permit the OM's sexually orientated texts which in turn sends a message that she is or might be available to him.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I too agree that he should reach out to her parents for assistance on guiding their daughter back from the brink. It has to be done gently so as to not get them to be defensive. Use a help me fight for the marriage/family not a your daughters a who...

With confused being so financially strapped to not be able to visit her family and they having to pay to fly her and the kids in, I wonder if there's some animosity toward him?

I also agree that with her receiving explicit sexual advances, and her not shutting it down but replying with hearts and kiss emojis is actually encouraging him. There is nothing passive about that. My fear is that she may have already had some alone time with POS. 

With OP not replying since receiving unanimous response that their marriage is in danger, he has not replied. He may have been scared off to a sight that will tell him not only not to worry but get on his case for snooping. Many guys are not ready for the red pill.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I am hoping the OP isn't reading these responses right now because he is either driving or on a plane and cannot use Wi-Fi. At the very least, I am hoping he is busy sending copies of all of these messages certified mail to his wife and, if this dude is married, to the other man's wife as well.


QFT. He doesn't really need random internet people to tell him this. This should be a gut reaction.

OP: Don't waste your time talking to us, talk to her.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Well, she likely has intentions to bang him. The phone texts with emoticons says it all.


This says it all. The emitcons of kissy face hearts and BS is enough to know what gears in her mind are doing. Soon the visions of the act culminate into the event happening. She is digging the attention...A LOT.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What the other man is doing is vile.

Why would he presume that he has the right to speak so openly?

He is supposedly a longtime friend. Opposite sex friends do not pressure the other for sex.
His side of the friendship deal now wants to include sexual benefits. 

By not shutting him down firmly, is very telling on your wife’s part. I get it. She does not want to hurt his feeling and put him down. 

Why is that?

Because she is enjoying the sexual banter. 
Have no doubt here. 

She also likely had feelings for this guy maybe still does, and she was hurt by his rejection. She is enjoying this, his tongue hanging out, begging.

I suspect he is rueful of not scoring with her prior to dumping her. He wants a do-over. 

Or, he did score with her and sees her as an easy mark, an already tried and true woman.
He is counting on her feelings to return to him….again.

-Or-

Him, thinking in his mind, “Hey, we had sex before, what would it hurt to try again?” 

What she is doing/saying, or not doing, in response, is not proper for a mature married women.

*I would say nothing, NOTHING, until she gets home.*

Let this scenario run its course. Let’s see how loyal this wife of yours really is.

So far, she has stumbled. But, if she only humors him and does nothing more, than she deserves some harsh words, hopefully, nothing more.

But, if she stumbles more and lands in his bed (or in the back of his car), then you have your answer. 

Which is, she is not to be trusted when out of sight. She is not marriage material.

She is not a child. *You should not have to save an adult from themselves.*

I would do nothing. I would wait and see if her resolve is that of a married women, not of that of a teenage girl who has gleefully returned to her past. 

You said, in years past, that they have messaged (maybe talked) now and again. 
You likely do not have any idea what was said in those messages. 
She may have deleted any questionable ones.

It is also possible that prior talks and messaging from her has given him hope that she might be available.
She may have encouraged this sort of talk, from some point-in-time, backwards.

She might be available if he can grovel sufficiently and apologize. 
If so, it will give her a reason and an excuse for a much wanted do-over, on her part.

She also may want this. But she does not want a repeat performance of being dropped. 
Dropped on her butt after being banged hard, first, maybe again in her bunny slipper.

*Note: ‘This time’, she wants this resolved to ‘her’ satisfaction. That is a given.*

If that includes a long awaited meeting, eye-to-eye, lip to lip, hip to hip, you will soon see.

It sounds like the old male school chum does not yet know how to dance. 
He is again stepping on her toes (not woes) in this latest clumsily handled dancing of his. 
He is going right for her bunny slipper, ignoring her heart and feelings. Again. 

Again, how and why is this possible?

Then again, maybe their past communiques have led him straight to the short hairs of the matter. 

To this...... Him and her in the throes of ecstasy, again, revisited.

See if she can be ultimately, intimately be trusted. 
Trusted, not thrusted by an EXBF. Or anyone who compliments her.

Let her save grace or let her behavior hang, ‘Her Grace’.

Just Sayin’





[THM]- The Typist I


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

He's hitting on her.

There's no more doubt on that so accept it, the best for you to accept it.

She's encouraging it, accept that. She hasn't stopped it. Period. 

What else do you need to see, panties with stains?

You just have to decide what to do. It's hers to stop and beg forgiveness. 

Anything other that is you being a marshmellow and asking if you can get her some condoms, and giving her money for their date.

Protect yourself and make a hard choice.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> I
> 
> *If you confront in text or over the phone she will just find a way to stop your ability to see the messages. You will never know what she did or did not do. If you cannot hop a plane and just show up with all the printed texts in hand, I would keep quiet and continue to monitor.*
> 
> ...





Robert22205 said:


> *Once they realize you're monitoring their texts they will use another App that blocks you. Since they are both out of town you will have no solid evidence as to whether it escalated to sex. You will have to live with the doubt that she (the texts) created.
> *
> IMO (if you can't join her) your best shot to blow this up before it escalates is to get her parents involved and to inform her that due to her decision to NOT shut down the OM's sexually orientated texts she'll need to restore your trust by passing a polygraph test.


So, the parts I have bolded here... I seem to be the only one of this thought path, but if OP says ANYTHING to her, as Robert mentioned they are going to go stealthy on some other app while they work out their defense (or confirm plans to hook up, whichever) I feel like OP should just keep doing what he is doing and watch all these texts between them while they have no clue he can see. This will show him just who exactly he is married to... either she shuts it down, or she gives in. If he were to manage to fly out there and confront her, I feel like the chances of her ending up in this situation again at some point down the line are quite high. Does he really want to be married to someone he cant trust and will always have to monitor? If she crosses the line, she comes home to her crap packed and divorce papers. Come to think of it, either way that should probably happen, because the fact that she has allowed even THIS much to happen does not bode well for the marriage. 

OP if you are going to confront, my thought is that you must do it face to face in person. So if you want to take this path, find a way to get yourself there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told her flat out that you expect her to stop all contact with him? She at least needs to hear that from you, so that anything that happens hereon is something she KNOWS is wrong.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Calling her parents and relatives are not going to help.

After all, they had a pizza party when she first arrived and she got on the phone and invited Joe and they said nothing.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Deal with this fast or this will be PA.

It is EA right now without a doubt.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

confusedman741851 said:


> How big of a red flag is this?



This is like free flag night for an Ohio State vs Nebraska night game.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

For them to witness POS strongly coming onto her on pizza night, I wonder if the family are not to enamored of OP. Not sure of their social economic status but if they're middle class, they may have resentment that their daughter is married to a man that hasn't been able to visit the family in years. 

I reread the post about the pizza night and I have to say that for POS to boldly come onto her in front of everyone probably had an impact on OP's wife.
I've read and seen in real life that women respond to a man's boldness. When a guy blatantly propositions a married mother for sex and she responds with hearts and kisses and says her husband won't like it, that gives the guy a green light to keep going. 

If he hasn't already had her, he's close and I'd bet large on him closing the deal before the end of the week.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> Have you told her flat out that you expect her to stop all contact with him? She at least needs to hear that from you, so that anything that happens hereon is something she KNOWS is wrong.


Why?

Why bother?

There comes a point when you just let a person run....

Run, and or....ruin themselves.

Run and prove a point that is presently obscured.

Obscured by the betrayed spouses' love, trust and hope.

What is there to save?

Why not save the formality and glean the meager wheat from the sad chaff?

Let the fever subside, and see if anything 'mindful' is worth saving.

Life is too short for games.





[THM]- Nemesis


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Confusedman hasnt been back to his thread since his OP yesterday...


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Why?
> 
> Why bother?
> 
> ...


 The only scenario in which not telling her doesn't pan out is also the most likely. She screws the OM (if she hasn't already) then comes home to what should certainly be a divorce, but after a month or so she Hoovers the OP back in and they attempt reconciliation where @confusedman741851 gets to live the rest of his life knowing he could have stopped it but didn't. The regret will devour his brain from the inside out.

Scenario 2: Don't tell. Cheater cheats. confusedman741851 finds out who his wife really is divorces and eventually finds a better woman.

Scenario 3: Don't tell. Wife just enjoys the flattery and maybe a few drinks. confusedman741851 can deal with that (He hasn't stated his hardline yet) after hashing it out with her and they go on to live a life together, with him knowing she has crappy/non existent boundaries.

IMO they are numbered worst(1) to best(3) case scenario. YMV.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

confusedman741851 said:


> *
> This is my story
> 
> 
> ...


Ask her?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The only scenario in which not telling her doesn't pan out is also the most likely. She screws the OM (if she hasn't already) then comes home to what should certainly be a divorce, but after a month or so she Hoovers the OP back in and they attempt reconciliation where @confusedman741851 gets to live the rest of his life knowing he could have stopped it but didn't. The regret will devour his brain from the inside out.
> 
> Scenario 2: Don't tell. Cheater cheats. confusedman741851 finds out who his wife really is divorces and eventually finds a better woman.
> 
> ...



This makes sense. Though even in #3 I would HAVE to confront and we'd have some work to do (read SHE would have work to do)


----------



## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

ConfusedMan, I will keep this short and simple. If the messaging you are reading is even a day or two old you are trying to stop a train that has left the station. You need to be decisive as hell and show resolve in your approach from the start. 
The "He who hesitates is lost" saying applies to you 1000%. If you hesitate then she is going to cheat. If she is alone with him some orgasms are going be included!


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> This makes sense. Though even in #3 I would HAVE to confront and we'd have some work to do (read SHE would have work to do)


 I see no scenario without a confrontation, but I guess it's possible. I should probably edit my post to reflect that.


----------



## Jaded1 (Jan 24, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Confusedman hasnt been back to his thread since his OP yesterday...


I've taken note of this too..

We can only hope that he's on his way to his wife, to shut this down in person, and was not overwhelmed by the good advice being given here.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

AttaBoy said:


> ConfusedMan, I will keep this short and simple. *If the messaging you are reading is even a day or two old you are trying to stop a train that has left the station.* You need to be decisive as hell and show resolve in your approach from the start.
> The "He who hesitates is lost" saying applies to you 1000%. If you hesitate then she is going to cheat. If she is alone with him some orgasms are going be included!



I too fear that POS have already closed the deal. This guy was a former HS crush of hers so you know he's her type. With their past history, things are going to be moving at a FAST pace. Witness how boldly he was texting her after the initial pizza night. 

He set the tone in front of her family that night and she's probably openly responding to his advances. That's the problem with relying with just the texting communication. OP thinks he has all the info but what he doesn't have is how she looks into his eyes when she talks, how she responds to him touching her. Body language is silent but says can say more than words. So while she's sending hearts and kiss emojis to his sexual propositions, how are they in person? Is he holding her hand? Is she sitting on his lap?

I guess that pizza night was probably days after her arrival for her 3 week visit. OP said that she has another week to go, so it's been almost 2 weeks since that pizza night. Anyone here really doubt that he hasn't already hit that?


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I guess that pizza night was probably days after her arrival for her 3 week visit. OP said that she has another week to go, so it's been almost 2 weeks since that pizza night. Anyone here really doubt that he hasn't already hit that?


If your Math is correct here, he is screwed (or she is I mean).


----------



## aRock (Feb 13, 2019)

confusedman741851 said:


> ...
> 
> I’m inclined to wait and talk to her only when she is back, because I want to trust her not to go forward with this and don’t want to discuss this over the phone.


May be too late, then. Her hubby's not around, OM is openly hitting on her - propositioning her, even - and she's loving it. One "good night" text with a smiley 'n' hearts is one too many. Unless she does that with everybody; and not just with you.



> ...
> How big of a red flag is this? It seems nothing physical happened so far.


I agree with the others. A very, very big red flag. Have you seen those big American flags they carry out on a football field. Bigger than that. 




> ...
> What do you think I should do? How do I approach her when I see her?


If you don't talk to her about this situation until she gets back; First question should be, "Sounds like you had a good time. Did you make him use a condom?" When her eyes get big and she asks, "How did you find out?", hand her the paperwork and ask her if he was worth it.

That's how big I think the red flag is.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Jaded1 said:


> I've taken note of this too..
> 
> We can only hope that he's on his way to his wife, to shut this down in person, and was not overwhelmed by the good advice being given here.


"*she* is not shutting it down"....................Fatal words!
MTFU! Bro!
Shut this down yourdamself.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@confusedman741851

You can answer some of these posts by signing in and posting in the Quick reply window at the bottom of each page.

You can choose not to do so. 

The posters here can choose not to answer any more, also.

We assumed that you wanted help, not that you wanted to start a brush fire and then decided to flee the scene.

Thank me very much.





[THM]-UlyssesHeart


----------



## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

I don't understand why the OP would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.


I'd print or back up copies of the texts.
I'd call her and tell her that I know about her texts with Joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
If she comes back, I'd tell her that I'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an STD panel.
To stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to Joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to Joe's SO, if he has one; (4) start IC to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

satisfied mind said:


> i don't understand why the op would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.
> 
> 
> i'd print or back up copies of the texts.
> ...


^Bingo!^


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree. I'm not sure why some men insist on pounding their chest and 'rescuing the poor damsel from the predator.' I get the impression men take this stance because it's easier on their egos to THINK they have to rescue the woman from the evil man than it is to face the truth - that their 'damsel' is actually very happily engaging right back with said predator rather than being dedicated to their husbands. Like it or not, that's the REALITY of these situations.
> 
> I agree with the Rubix Cubed - I'd be telling her she can get her ass home *tonight *or you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. There's no need to fly there and make yourself look insecure and desperate.


It drives me nuts. It's sad because people eat it up. Instead of saying "no" you bring up your husband. That's a deflection, not an answer. Dude KNOWS she is married. It isn't like some random dude or even an old unknowing crush who hit on her and she subtly said my husband as a brush off. I'd agree and have zero problem with her comment framed with this context. 

She has history with this dude and has had MULTIPLE opportunities to say no. I actually give the jerk credit, he came right out and said what he wanted. So, this isn't grooming, prey or any other scenario. If I tell you I want sex, then do EVERYTHING to show you there is no doubt what I want, there is zero explanation as to why you continue to engage me in a conversation.

Except, she is just as engaged in the interaction as the jackass.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Satisfied Mind said:


> I don't understand why the OP would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.
> 
> 
> I'd print or back up copies of the texts.
> ...


This. Is. Awesome.


----------



## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I dont understand how a man would knowingly take take this and be confused what to do. My fists would be tattooed to his face. Its complicated because of the distance but this is nuts. You got his number right ? call him and tell him you know whats up and he is about to get whats coming to him. He is aggressively persuing your wife right? Deal with her inaction later but put the fire out first.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> What the other man is doing is vile.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree.
She is a grown woman. I’d be more inclined to let it play out while monitoring texts etc and see what Happens.
Yes you have issues to address..her sending texts and cozying up to him but I’d be inclined to wait and see how “loyal” she is as @SunCMars has said.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

citygirl4344 said:


> I agree.
> She is a grown woman. I’d be more inclined to let it play out while monitoring texts etc and see what Happens.
> Yes you have issues to address..her sending texts and cozying up to him but I’d be inclined to wait and see how “loyal” she is as @SunCMars has said.
> 
> ...


Responses like yours and the one you quoted make my head spin. 

If this guy's wife drove herself to a bar and he saw texts between her and somebody else about how drunk she was getting and the person was egging her on to have more fun should the husband leave the pending life altering disaster to play out because she is a big girl and should know to do the right thing? Obviously not. 

Just like alcohol messes with judgement and brain chemistry so can a potential WW's judgement toward the slippery slope into infidelity. It has been evident in posts I have read from WWs that the choices they made leading up to cheating weren't rational at all due to brain chemistry. 

Why risk everything in his life, his family and marriage, and leave it up to her warped judgement?

If I were the OP I would make appointments with for a polygraph and a divorce attorney and have them send the appointment confirmation texts to her phone.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> If this guy's wife drove herself to a bar and he saw texts between her and somebody else about how drunk she was getting and the person was egging her on to have more fun should the huspand leave the pending life altering disaster to play out because she is a big girl and should know to do the right thing? Obviously not.


Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.

I will say this to to the OP, I know EXACTLY why she keeps asking him "why now?" and "Why now that I am fat blah blah?"

She wants the ego kibbles, and she wants HIM to keep going until HE makes the first definitive physical move. Then she can say he started it.

I used to think "Yes! Rush in before it's physical!"

But now I'm not so sure. If I swooped in and dragged my hubby away before it became physical, I would always wonder....did it not become physical because he wouldn't have done it, or was it just because I swooped in. I don't want to be another person's fidelity gatekeeper.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.
> 
> I will say this to to the OP, I know EXACTLY why she keeps asking him "why now?" and "Why now that I am fat blah blah?"
> 
> ...


I kind of agree with this...

I know I am harder than most, but if my GF did something like this, and even if it was not physical, I think it would be over. 

If you are not happy, move on. 

This OP is so passive that I am pretty sure she already cheated anyway. 

I think I would greet her with divorce papers when she got home...


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Every TAMers who's been here for a while knows how this plays out. We've seen this movie enough times to know what's likely to happen in this case. 

I'm sure most here agree that by now, she probably already had sex with this guy or at the very least had a heavy make out/petting session, which will be enough to have her completely fogged up.

She now will come home being emotionally distant talking about how she's been unhappy for years and is tired of his controlling ways. She may even say she never really loved OP and will most likely say that she's confused on what she wants to do. A desire to temporarily separate by moving back home, so she can test out the waters with POS, oops I meant spend time alone so she can find herself is also a high possibility. 

That's what letting it play out gets OP.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

jsmart said:


> *Every TAMers who's been here for a while knows how this plays out. We've seen this movie enough times to know what's likely to happen in this case.*
> 
> I'm sure most here agree that by now, she probably already had sex with this guy or at the very least had a heavy make out/petting session, which will be enough to have her completely fogged up.
> 
> ...


I'll call and raise you........."It's happened already".


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> I do not get why the OP sits at home because he wants to save money. The cost of flying there right now is a fraction of the cost of an attorney if you get divorced over her cheating; and there are a lot more costs in a divorce than just the attorney fees. The OP needs to do something now before his wife does something that he cannot live with.


Well, yes... but if you want to buy a cup of tea for 50 pence and you haven't even got one penny to your name, guess what? No cup of tea. 

OP can you borrow the money for the flight?


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jsmart said:


> That's what letting it play out gets OP.


 I wonder if we got played out?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rubix, I don't think we got played. OP just got scared off by such a strong response. We get that here a lot, as does SI. It can be very intimidating to put your life out there. Many are not ready to take the required action. 

I'm sure if he heard condemnation that he was invading her privacy and that he's should trust her, he probably would have continued to engage. We may yet hear from him in a few weeks with the "you guys were right post." Either way, I wish him well. Many of us know the pain and devastation he's about to endure.


----------



## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Though I understand the strategy, I think the "Let her do what she's gonna do, and then deal her consequences" is a bit hardcore for newbies to infidelity.

If she goes through with sex with the other man, and confusedman741851 does not even try to intervene, @confusedman741851 will experience years of doubt and wondering if he allowed this pain to be inflicted on him

And if he tries to reconcile, he will have to deal with mind movies, and the knowledge that this other dude got up in his wife’s draws.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)




----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's interesting how many people sign on here with the word 'confused' in their screen names. I think it's very telling.

You're going along in life. Things are fine. Suddenly you're like this OP - you're reading texts from your wife that make it clear that just a bit of flattery may be enough to ruin your marriage and family.

No wonder he's confused. WTH? Is she that easy?, he must be thinking. Does it really just take a few days with some shmuck acquaintance from when she was a kid to undo the family that they were so successfully building?

Yup, I'd be confused, too. And pretty disgusted that I threw my lot in with someone who was so easily susceptible to the cheap lures of an OM like that.

He for sure should cockblock him, but he also needs to deliver some reality to his wife.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> It's interesting how many people sign on here with the word 'confused' in their screen names. I think it's very telling.
> 
> You're going along in life. Things are fine. Suddenly you're like this OP - you're reading texts from your wife that make it clear that just a bit of flattery may be enough to ruin your marriage and family.
> 
> ...


I know OP is confused but I think what hurts him most is the thoughts that he is just a replacement for Joe who was not available. Now is available and obviously wants her.

Joe is a old boyfriend of his wife. He dumped her. 

She invited Joe over to join the pizza party.

She stays in contact with Joe after he makes his intentions clear, even attaching hearts and kisses to her texts to him.

She even asked Joe why he would want sex with her now after he dumped her years ago. 

She is leading him on.

I am afraid she never got over the pain of being dumped by him and may think she still loves him and it is the greatest thing in her life that now he wants her.

Not good for confusedman.

I hope he has not returned because he hopped a plane and went there. But I am very scared of what he might find.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> It's interesting how many people sign on here with the word 'confused' in their screen names. I think it's very telling.
> 
> *You're going along in life. Things are fine. Suddenly you're like this OP - you're reading texts from your wife that make it clear that just a bit of flattery may be enough to ruin your marriage and family.
> 
> ...


It can be so devastating to a BH to find that all of the work and sacrifices one makes in a marriage can be erased by so little. Being their through sickness, pregnancy, raising children, buying a home, cars, vacations, and of course the mundane of family life can all be undone after some old HS crush, fishing for some pus.. on Facebook, hooks your wife with some of the most mundane lines of how hot she is and how they had a crush on her in the past.

Today a marriage can't have its natural lows without the fear of creating the soil that would allow the seeds of flattery to take root. Is it Hollyweird's "reality" shows and endless commercials for online dating glamorizing the single dating life that is creating false expectations of what romance is suppose to be, or social media creating platforms that goad women to compete with each other for the likes and comments from men, getting them addicted to men blowing their heads up, or today's office environment that are thrusting men and women together for long periods of time which seems to foster the development of inappropriate relationships? 

Whatever the cause, marriage is under attack and losing badly, which is evidenced by women filing for over 70% of divorces. Are we men really that bad or has society warped women's expectations of what marriage and raising a family is? I'm sure it'll make an interesting subject for discussion.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> I know OP is confused but I think what hurts him most is the thoughts that he is just a replacement for Joe who was not available. Now is available and obviously wants her.
> 
> Joe is a old boyfriend of his wife. He dumped her.
> 
> ...


I get the backstory, but still say WTH? We go along with our lives as adults and think, obviously erroneously sometimes, that our spouses are in this as mature adults as well. When we are painfully disabused of that, no amount of 'understanding' or 'explaining' the behavior will fix the cognitive dissonance. To people like me, so what if my H got dumped by an ex that he was super attracted to in HS? He is supposed to be all grown up now. And committed to me and our family.

I understand that the lure of an adolescent ex is strong. We see it all the time in forums like this. My point is that some cognitive dissonance on the part of the OP is not surprising, given that he probably thought she was well-adjusted enough not to be drawn in to this. His confusion will likely clarify itself into a new vision of his wife that isn't particularly flattering. And if this follows the standard script, she will be mortified that she has been caught acting like a lovestruck teenager and has blown up her marriage as a result. They won't be the same after this indulgence of flattery and old attachments.


----------



## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> I understand that the lure of an adolescent ex is strong. We see it all the time in forums like this. My point is that some cognitive dissonance on the part of the OP is not surprising, given that he probably thought she was well-adjusted enough not to be drawn in to this. His confusion will likely clarify itself into a new vision of his wife that isn't particularly flattering. And if this follows the standard script, she will be mortified that she has been caught acting like a lovestruck teenager and has blown up her marriage as a result. They won't be the same after this indulgence of flattery and old attachments.


I don't think these things typically occur in a vacuum... Who's to say she didn't seek him out? That's what happened in my case.

I knew that our marriage was at a weak point. If I didn't, my head was in the sand. 

I was naive in thinking my wife was an honest person. That doesn't mean I was surprised when the marriage was over.

Am I in the minority?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

attheend02 said:


> I don't think these things typically occur in a vacuum... Who's to say she didn't seek him out? That's what happened in my case.
> 
> I knew that our marriage was at a weak point. If I didn't, my head was in the sand.
> 
> ...


I agree that they don't occur in a vacuum. I wouldn't even say 'typically.' I would say never. However, my point is that we can be blindsided and confused no matter what the reality of the marriage. If your partner is exhibiting behavior that you didn't think he/she was capable of based on what you think you know of the person, then, sure, it leads to confusion. If she sought him out, OP would still feel that confusion, because he likely didn't expect that she was the 'type' to do that. Situations like this bring out the people in us that we often don't want to show others, including our spouses.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I remember a girl I knew in high school only because one of my friends had a crush on her. She had a boyfriend and everyone thought they would marry eventually.

Well the boyfriend went through ROTC in college then accepted a commission as an officer in the military and was gone.

Several months latter my buddy asked her out an she said yes. About 18 months after that they married. 5 years and two kids latter guess who returns to town - the ex boyfriend. My buddy knew they had met up for coffee and to catch up and was not too concerned.

Six months latter she announced that she wanted a divorce, that the old BF was her soul mate, and that they been sexual since the first week he was back.

What people do not longer surprises me. You would think that she had time to mature and have a more responsible out look. But no - family did not matter, the kids did not matter, the marriage did not matter, and my friend certainly did not matter to her. That her BF was back and wanted her was all that mattered.

I am hoping confusedman's wife is not following this scenario.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Confused as a man that has recently experienced a similiar situation i can honestly tell you shut this down fast or give her the arse if she won't reform.


----------

