# Long Dark Path



## Cptthor (May 6, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. In that time our sex life an increasingly dwindled. 2 kids, in between kid 1 and kid 2 a lot of problems with conception including a couple miscarriages. During that time, I was expected to perform on command, produce sperm samples for testing, and take the blame when she thought it was "me." Now both children are happy and healthy. Sex was on the decline immediately after the conception of our daughter. I have been dealing with some issues lately, A HUGE ordeal of major depression, PTSD (Iraq War Vet) and minor seizures that started during treatment for the above. At first I didn't push the issue because of my issues. But now, almost a year later it has evolved into me in the unfinished basement in a hammock and our 6 year old daughter sharing the bed with my wife. That started with her saying I snore too loud, after a lifetime of snoring, CPAP machine and surgery to fix sleep apnea, NOW she can't stand my snoring. Not just sex but intimacy and love have dried up, no more "I love you's" hugs, kisses or affection of any kind, if I want affection I have to ask for it and accept the half hearted response. I think she probably has depression too (trust me I know what it looks like) but she has said in the past that she doesn't want to be "tied to a pill." Most discussions end in her either being so defensive that it turns into an argument or crying because I "blame it all on her." I have never been unfaithful to her, never abusive to her, I don't drink, don't smoke, don't hang out with friends til all hours, don't even like sports, so I don't watch the big game on the weekends. I used to invite her into the bedroom to cuddle or what ever she wanted (when I had a bedroom) which meant that I went to bed early and alone. I'm tired of dealing with it and my depression and I have teamed up and decided that living like a troll in the basement is fine.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Have you considered that she may be cheating? What you describe is exactly, I mean exactly what I went through(kids in the bed, basement for me).
You need to have your wife leave the bed if she does not want to sleep together.
Really good odds she is cheating, IMO. These are classic signs.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

That's a grim story. You need to do something fast, living, as you put it, like a troll in the basement is no way for anyone to spend their life. Do you have a friend you could go and stay with for a while to give you some time to think things through out of your current horrible environment?


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## Cptthor (May 6, 2012)

Thanks for the help, Conrad, from what I know, she spent a lot of time with her grandmother, I have tossed around the theory that her older brother (total loser ex-con) might have molested her at one point, either that or some other unenjoyable sexual experience. Big, I have considered it, especially while I was in Iraq. If she is, she is exceedingly good at covering her tracks. I trust, but I verify, no incriminating emails, phone numbers, or lost time, she is either at work, is taking the kids somewhere, or home. I have a weird schedule, I can either be home at 2 in the afternoon or 9 at night things are never amiss. I would actually be happy if she was having an affair, then I could tell her to F-off and I would be justified. Gren, I don't have any friends that live close, all my co-workers are women, not a healthy alternative. I wouldn't classify my environment as horrible, just unhappy. I came home at 8:30 tonight, after 13 hours of work, and I have to hear how she had a bad day. I gripe, but she is still my best friend an I love her, we have great chemistry, enjoy being together, but I feel like my wife has friend zoned me.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In the way that you have described your reaction to your wife's behavior, sadly, you sound like you are retreating from life. If anything, I think this will only embolden your wife in her selfish behavior. Ever considered just working on you for a while? Be the kind of man you always wanted to be. Exercise, explore hobbies that do not necessarily have to include her, and prove to HER that she is the one losing out on something great. With the growth in who you are as a man, you'll approach the problem of her in a completely different way. You'll approach from the mindset of a man who has options, and she'll notice the difference. She might even feel like she has to step up her game to keep you. 

Sorry, but if you are a bother to her, given what you've done to try to remedy the snoring, SHE should be the one finding a new place to sleep, in my opinion.


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

OP, your post strikes a chord with me, I had trouble with trying to conceive too and much like you and your wife, it was a difficult and trying time, and it included IVF, a miscarriage, semen sample, scheduling sex for the sakes of getting pregnant not for pleasure. That all takes a toll.

After we finally had twins, I retreated, I moved out "our" bedroom and into the guest room which I was using when I was pregnant so that I could sleep better. Then the twins came and I continued to use it to put the babies down for their naps. Eventually the twins were now sleeping in their own cribs in their room, and I didn't want to move back into "our" bedroom.

I don't want to highjack your post, but I got a wake up call when I started allowing my husband to go out on his own, even though he was going out with our friends (mostly couples) so my husband found himself a third wheel but he was unhappy and resentful. He ended up bumping into a woman from his HS who had just had a divorce and text began between them, I caught it early on, and to this day I wonder if anything more than texts happened? He swears nothing, just admits to poor decision to secretly text with that woman. 

I didn't confront him right away, I was just vigilant, but I talked to him, in a very nice manner and said I was worried about our relationship. That we were going down the wrong path and we needed to do something before we were beyond repair. When I had this talk, I owned my short-comings, the fact that I was withholding affection and attention. I used the word "lazy" in our relationship. I said I also resented him and that I needed to get past that, but that I couldn't do all the work, I could do my 50% and I wanted him to do his 50%. Or I told him, we could separate and take it from there. I wasn't to accusatory either, I was gentle but serious.

I'm not suggesting you go out and start communicating to other women, I just think you must find a way to "humbly" tell her what you want to happen - to fix your marriage.

Have you guys considered marriage counseling? Me and my husband are in marriage counseling now and it is helping.

Before I found those texts, my state of mind toward my husband was one of "I could take him or leave him" and "if he came to me and said he could never have sex with me because his member was not working, i would be very okay with that". Just to give you an idea of where we were.

When I was faced with the idea that he was so unhappy and that I could potentially lose him, I re-acted. Not saying what he did was right, because we are working on trust and boundaries now, but faced with a decision to "take him or leave him", I chose to "take him".

Sorry for running off on tangents, I do that. Good luck, and let us know.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

first, thanks for your service.

second, have you tried marriage counseling? when both people have emotional issues it can be REALLY difficult to communicate because both people cannot get past their own issues to talk about or hear what is really going on. 

also, have either of you considered trying alternative methods to deal with the emotional stuff? acupuncture works wonders for depression and anxiety. but there's also a ton of other options.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Verushkita,

Were either of you childhood abuse victims?


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## Verushkita (Apr 30, 2012)

Conrad, me and my husband or me and OP? I wasn't, why? Just curious?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Verushkita said:


> Conrad, me and my husband or me and OP? I wasn't, why? Just curious?


Any of you that wishes to volunteer the info.

It does matter in how you handle it.


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## Cptthor (May 6, 2012)

Once again thanks, Halien, I'm in on going treatment for depression and PTSD, including counselling and medication, trying to get past the last few years. I have been retreating from life, I self isolate every chance I get or at least I did, I am comming out of my shell a little more every day. I understand I have not been the man I want to be in a while, and I accept my responsibilty. But our issues as a couple started before my issues started, and I think has made my issues worse. Verushkita, thanks for your story, I appreciaite the input, not glad you're going through similar issues, but glad someone knows exactly how I feel. Maybe we can both get good advice here. Uzername, I have thought about marriage counseling, but my therapist wants me to try some other things first, just saw him yesterday. I would love to try alternative therapies, unfortunately, location and budget restrict my options. Thanks for the support. Conrad, put me down for no abuse, though parents were very stoic so borderline emotional neglect is a definite player. To all: I don't blame all of this on her, I have a lot of issues that I'm sure exacerbate the situation. It has been hell living in my own body the last year, and I'm sure It hasn't been fun for anybody in my close circle. But to use the second grade excuse; She started it! I was hoping for someone to be by my side through my tough time, but she has also retreated emotionally from the situation. I have tried several times to talk to her about what I'm going through only for her to interrupt me and change the subject completely, in my current state I just accept her reaction as a sign that I'm on my own, so I find a hole to crawl into.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

Hey Cptthor, PM me any time you want to talk. I lived this same situation minus the military service for 3 Years.

Wife has possible molestation in her background, intimacy issues from lack of love at home, both depressed, withdrawing from life, the whole 9 yards.

Halien said most of what has been working for us

1 - Go to you own therapist - no Marriage Counseling until you like who YOU are

2 - Exercise regularly - Makes you more attractive, gives you endorphins, regulates addictive personalities and helps with depression

3 - After a while of building myself up emotionally - Calmly Confront, Lay it out with your wife that you love her, miss the relationship that you once had, and are willing to do one of two things: commit to taking small steps of improvement together, or end up in divorce. You might be staying together for kids now, but what happens if they are not in the picture? Would you stay?

This may not work for you but it worked for us in a similar situation. I spent about 6 months getting cool with me, quitting addictions, weekly therapy, goal setting, confidence, etc.

After that I did the confrontation thing and it took a few times to get it right (Staying calm is tough), but when I did she got on anti-depressants the next day.

It's been calmer, happier, and better sex life ever since.

Also if you are a "pleaser" type of guy, then hop out on the net and download or purchase "no more mr nice guy" its a book about taking back masculinity and it's pretty good. Lot's of people mention it here.

Good luck soldier, and thanks to you and yours for doing what you do.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Conrad, I am. And you are right -- until the woman deals with it -- generally through counseling, although not always -- it's going to be there in the bedroom with you all the time.


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## Cptthor (May 6, 2012)

Rider, I am in counseling now, seems to be helping, I did take his advice and told my wife that I was grateful for her sticking with me through the past year that have really been hard on me and hard on her by proxy. She seemed to respond well to it, I asked her if we could start talking about ways to get back together as a couple, once again responsive, I had to make her admit that I am getting better and she needs to stop expecting the worst of me. This is why I suspect abuse, she seems to be hung up on past behavior and really seems blind to progress. 

I really do want to start exercising, I used to be a pretty avid runner and martial artist, the seizures used to happen when I got my heart rate up, now they are less intense but pretty much constant, I walk with a limp and my right hand most times is slightly better than a hook. Medication is helping, but I need to increase my dose a little more, every time we increase it, I get a little better. 

I used to be a "pleaser" but the investment of doing things for her yielded no returns, so I stopped investing. 

I really don't expect our situation to get better in a few days or weeks, I set a goal of showing some improvement by 2013. 2011 was rock bottom, so we need a rebuilding year.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Sex was on the decline immediately after the conception of our daughter." 
There you go. Trap sprung, cheese no longer necessary.


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## Cptthor (May 6, 2012)

Unbelieve, I am cynical by nature, and that thought has entered my brain more than once.


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