# Midlife crisis, exit affair or just plain affair?



## Unhappy_girl (Aug 19, 2015)

Hi everyone, please help with advice.my husband and I are both 34 - we have 2 young children. 

Back in February - he dropped the bombshell that he was not happy, he loved me but was not 'in love' with me anymore, that he felt trapped and that we had isolated ourselves for 14 years ( we had been together for 14 yrs and married for 8 years). There was nothing bad about our relationship- no major concerns. We had a busy life with 2 young children - our youngest is 2 ( still always up at night, busy household etc) and we probably didn't get enough time to spend by ourselves, but I was busy being 'mummy' and we knew that this time wasn't going to be forever, and that it'd be worth it. I guess we both neglected each other a little ( but not with malice - only because life was getting in the way). 

These discussions went on over 2 weeks and he was suggesting that he needed space. I just didn't understand. I didn't think our problems were that big.we had a really good, solid relationship and I love him dearly. I thought marriage was for life, and thought he did too. He was being really cold and unloving. He called me manipulative and dominant ( which he has never called me in any argument before). I cried - He didnt care anymore. I suggested counselling - he refused. He said it was the end of the marriage. I kept asking how he Could give up on a 14 year relationship and he didn't care. When asked what about the children - he said ' as long as they have a mum and dad'. This was all so out of character for him. He just did not care, was emotionless and a completely different man. He just didn't want to try and said 'it was too late' and that our marriage was over.

He told me that he had broken down at work and told them of our marriage troubles! ( in only found out 2 weeks before, I didn't think we were in trouble!)

I founds a flirty Facebook message from a work colleague.
I realised he'd been taking his phone everywhere with him ( even the toilet). When I questioned him about who's txts I would find- he mentioned friends I knew, I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me if there was anyone else. He said 'no' then shouted' you think I'm having an affair?! You've hammered the final nail in the coffin' , then took his stuff and moved out. Next day he had deleted the iPad and changed all his email passwords.

A week later I returned home late at night ( he wasn't expecting me) to hear a conversation on loudspeaker where he and his colleague said ' I love you' to each other. 

I stormed in and questioned him. He said it is not an affair, he wouldn't tell me who it was and wouldn't say anything, it's like someone had taped his mouth shut and he just shook his head. He just said its a friend and that I wouldn't understand. Eventually I dragged out of him that it was this work colleague. There was no remorse, no sorry, no nothing. He did not care.

I emailed his work and let them know re: professionalism. A few days later we met up in the pub. He handed me a piece of paper showing how much he would be putting in the accounts. When I asked what's this ? Divorce? - he nodded. He was angry about the letter and said ' she was my friend' rather pathetically. I asked him if he was happy now - he said no.

I later found out that she was divorcing her husband too. She is nearly 10 yrs older. They have 2 older Boys. Apparently she was trying to sabotage their marriage also. Similar things said ' manipulative etc'

I found him one night at her house coming 'down' the stairs. Neither of them battered an eyelid that I was there. There was no remorse/excuses.

My husband kept denying it in all solicitor letters. I was concerned re the children. He wants EVERYTHING. HE had an affair, HE divorced me on false unreasonable behaviour grounds. HE wants the chikdren ( because I want to move away closer to family so he is taking me to court yo stop me) so he has applied for residency of the children if I want to move!. In court when the judge asked him - he finally admitted that ' a relationship had started within the last 4 weeks ( more like many months!). He is now seeing her and her boys with my 2 children on a regular basis, he doesn't care about quality time with the children. My children are confused. He is rubbing their noses in it( and mine). I hate it. I didn't deserve this. I have been a good wife and mother ( only guilty of neglecting him unintentionally because of our children).

He has wrecked everything. Is this just an affair? A exit affair? Or a midlife crisis? Will he ever come back? Will he ever come to his senses? I just can't accept that he would be having a sexual relationship with another woman even with the evidence. I am finding it so hard. Why is he being so nasty? Why hadn't he said sorry fir the hurt that he has caused? Am I at least not owed that even if he doesn't love me? Surely 14 yrs means something? Why is this happening to me?- I am not a bad Person. We had holes and dreams. We wanted more children and now everything is wrecked. Why does he want everything including the children too? The divorce and court proceedings were all issued very quickly within a matter of months. I hope someone can tell me what this is. X


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm sorry.

Just let him go.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Unhappy_girl said:


> Hi everyone, please help with advice.my husband and I are both 34 - we have 2 young children.
> 
> Back in February - he dropped the bombshell that he was not happy, he loved me but was not 'in love' with me anymore, that he felt trapped and that we had isolated ourselves for 14 years ( we had been together for 14 yrs and married for 8 years). There was nothing bad about our relationship- no major concerns. We had a busy life with 2 young children - our youngest is 2 ( still always up at night, busy household etc) and we probably didn't get enough time to spend by ourselves, but I was busy being 'mummy' and we knew that this time wasn't going to be forever, and that it'd be worth it. I guess we both neglected each other a little ( but not with malice - only because life was getting in the way).
> 
> ...


Dear Unhappy_girl,

It is very hard to determine motives when someone acts as your husband has. Exit affair? Possibly. Mid-life crisis? Could be. Will he ever come back? Doesn't seem likely. Were you owed better? Of course. Why has this happened? Only he knows the answer to that question.

But perhaps the most important question is, why would you want him back after the way he has treated you?

Regarding his attempt to gain custody of your children, and while I completely sympathize with your situation, you cannot expect a man as selfish as your former husband to let you take his kids away from him. Your best course of action is to secure the best legal representation you can in order to protect your interests, especially with your children.

Unfortunately, I don't know what more I can say to help you.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

What were you not doing correctly that caused this outome? Putting the kids first? No sex? Not putting any effort into the relationship? Not showing love, respect, appreciation?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Unhappy_girl said:


> HE wants the chikdren ( because I want to move away closer to family so he is taking me to court yo stop me) so he has applied for residency of the children if I want to move!. X


You want to knock this guy's di-k in the dirt? Give him the kids. That old cougar will ditch his azz in a New York minute. Why should you be stuck with all the responsibility of raising them? You get them every other weekend, spoil the crap out of them doing the fun stuff and turn them back over to him to for the work.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> What were you not doing correctly that caused this outome? Putting the kids first? No sex? Not putting any effort into the relationship? Not showing love, respect, appreciation?


Really dude? I think this is at least the 2nd post I've seen you make where you blame the female BS for their husband's infidelity.

How would you like it if you were blamed for your wife's multiple affairs?


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

​


MAJDEATH said:


> What were you not doing correctly that caused this outome? Putting the kids first? No sex? Not putting any effort into the relationship? Not showing love, respect, appreciation?


WTH?................Or, maybe her husband is the narcissistic a**hat that she described him to be. 

Regardless, to the OP on custody of children. Do you have a lawyer? If so, what is he/she doing about it? You are going to need to get dirty and be able to prove he was having an affair while married, etc...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would say that this was not an exit affair. I doubt that, if he went seeking an affair, it would be with an older woman with two children. I could be wrong, but that's not the usual script.

No, it seems more like he got inappropriate at work, started cheating, and then manufactured reasons - other than the real one - to blame you and get out.

He knows he did this. He's a POS for treating you this way and will have to live with that.

If I were you, I would look up the 180 and implement it. It will help you train your thoughts so that you can detach from him.

He really is a POS. You deserve far better. So sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As others have said, your ex-h is a selfish man and so he's doing selfish things. I know this is hard to go through.

Take a look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to be interacting with him. You need to start doing things for yourself and your children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you still want him, YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR to all his family and friends, his pastor, any other person who respect he craves. Tell them what he's done, and ask them to talk to him. Tell them that if he'll just get her out of the picture, you're willing to go to counseling and listen to what he thinks is suddenly wrong with you and work on it - and if he STILL doesn't want to stay married, you will walk away. But if he refuses to let go of the OW, you are going to FIGHT this for the adultery that it is. Then sit back and see what happens. btw, if he gets mad at you for doing it, GOOD. That means it's working. Exposure is the ONLY way to stop an affair.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Really dude? I think this is at least the 2nd post I've seen you make where you blame the female BS for their husband's infidelity.
> 
> How would you like it if you were blamed for your wife's multiple affairs?


hmmmm.. I took these statements differently. I thought they were trying to say what they would have asked the spouse...

Being more like "REally... And what the *uck did I do wrong that you're doing this affair???!!! Not give you sex?? Being too good a mommy???!!" That's how I took the questions.


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## Unhappy_girl (Aug 19, 2015)

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Yes - the thing that I can blame myself for is not giving him enough time and affection cos I was too busy with the children. It wasn't intentional or malicious. Life was just getting in the way. We had talked about this and I thought we were on the same wavelength and that he understood that it was only for a short time in the grand scheme of things in life. We both wanted these children and being mummy is not an easy job. We still had affection and respect - cuddles etc. we. We weren't arguing if anything like that. If anything it was just usual stuff - being tired/ stuff not being tidied away etc.

I am happy to take the responsibility for my marriage. We both shared an equal part in it and if he felt neglected if unloved, he has a mouth ( and is an adult) and we coukdve talked it through and solved the problems/ worked at them. There was nothing unsolveable. But I will not take responsibility for his affair - that is a choice that he made. It was the way he chose to deal with whatever issues he had instead of being a grown up and dealing with it. Its so hurtful to know that he has such little respect for me after so many years, he owed it to the young children we had to deal with his issues as a grown up, instead of chasing some ugly woman almost 10yrs older than him.

I have a good lawyer and am trying to fight him. It's awful that he wants it take everything from me. Although the idea of giving the children to him his amusing, I love them too much and they are all I have left.

Thank you for the 180 advice - I will look into it.

I guess the feeling of not having the option of even considering to forgive him is horrible. I don't know if I ever could/would, but he's even taken that from me. ( I read lots if stories where the betraying spouse is sorry, or at least says he is and doesn't want to leave the marriage)

I hate my life and can't believe that anyone would treat another human being like this ( let alone the fact that he was my husband). I just hope time makes things better for me.
X


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you filling your days with? You should be exercising, eating healthy food, taking vitamins, meditating or doing yoga, hanging out with friends, and volunteering.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unhappy_girl said:


> Hi everyone, please help with advice.my husband and I are both 34 - we have 2 young children.
> 
> Back in February - he dropped the bombshell that he was not happy, he loved me but was not 'in love' with me anymore, that he felt trapped and that we had isolated ourselves for 14 years ( we had been together for 14 yrs and married for 8 years). There was nothing bad about our relationship- no major concerns. We had a busy life with 2 young children - our youngest is 2 ( still always up at night, busy household etc) and we probably didn't get enough time to spend by ourselves, but I was busy being 'mummy' and we knew that this time wasn't going to be forever, and that it'd be worth it. I guess we both neglected each other a little ( but not with malice - only because life was getting in the way).
> 
> ...


Sh*t! He has been taken for a mug by a colleague who was bored and wanted a new boy toy to play in the mud with.

Counter claim for adultery and go for FULL custody.

Out them to everyone.


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

Unhappy_girl said:


> Hi everyone, please help with advice.my husband and I are both 34 - we have 2 young children.
> 
> Back in February - he dropped the bombshell that he was not happy, he loved me but was not 'in love' with me anymore, that he felt trapped and that we had isolated ourselves for 14 years ( we had been together for 14 yrs and married for 8 years). There was nothing bad about our relationship- no major concerns. We had a busy life with 2 young children - our youngest is 2 ( still always up at night, busy household etc) and we probably didn't get enough time to spend by ourselves, but I was busy being 'mummy' and we knew that this time wasn't going to be forever, and that it'd be worth it. I guess we both neglected each other a little ( but not with malice - only because life was getting in the way).
> 
> ...


Of course you are better! No matter what happened, there is a certain respect and honor that still remains (even in a dying relationship). Your husband has behaved in a very selfish manner and has disrespected your feelings and emotions. Why then would you want him back? I do understand that you perhaps neglected him and there were reasons why he felt so disconnected in the relationship. But the fact was that you admitted your folly and told him that you were ready to make changes and improvements. Which relationship does not go through a rough patch? Do all couples take hasty decisions like divorce? I think not. Your husband just wanted a way out - and even demands the kids now. I suggest you take charge of this situation and get in touch with a legal professional who can guide you on what to do now. This is not the time for you to be docile and let him walk all over you. Do also get in touch with a therapist if you need help handling your emotions. You will eventually get through this; remember there is a bright future ahead of you now. Further when I saw your post, I was looking for sites related to marriage separation issues which can somewhat help you.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I just want to let you know I understand. It hurts I am there with you suffering now. 
It's hard to believe the selfishness and way they change. I can't accept it myself. 
Cry your head off and get that out so you can get angry. Angry is where you need to be. Then you can grieve more later.
I myself go back and forth all the time. Hate him for what he did. 

You are correct you are responsible for half your marriages problems. But he is 100 percent responsible for his affair.

Here is the bad part. He doesn't care. He does not and will not understand the pain you are feeling. Unless he loves someone and they betray him he will never understand how bad it hurts. That sucks huh. I know it does and I deal with it every minute.

Be strong for the kids, cry, get angry, and then try to move on. Accepting the change your life is taking is the hardest part for me.

If you take him back you will never trust him again. The marriage you had is destroyed. It's gone and with it the husband you thought you knew. He is not the same person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The problem is that some marriages are wrecked by one partner getting hooked by a predator.

When the marriage was as close to perfect as you can get.

The predator then helps the WS reinvent the history of the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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