# Stuck and Need Help, made some bad mistakes



## Besson (May 29, 2015)

:crying:

I have made a stupid mistake and think that I have ruined my marriage.

I am 38 and married to my wife of 30 - (B'day yesterday) with the 3 most beautiful children 5, 4 and 11 months old. 

The story behind my situation is complex and long, I will try my best to be clear and be honest 

First some background. I am by no means a perfect husband and when I first met my wife 10 years ago she was my first real serious relationship. We got together and things were good. I however had some issues regarding sex and would "sulk" in a totally unacceptable way if we didn't "get it on" , this led my wife to feel forced into having sex with me just to keep me happy and from days of stomping around the house in silence. This is a horendous thing that I did, which was extremely damaging to my wife and something that I wish I could have seen more clearly the effect of. This is not the main point of the post but needs to be said to give clarity of the situation.

On the other hand in most other things my wife/friends/family say that I am one of the most freindly, funny,reliable and nicest people that you could wish to meet (my wife's words not mine). I help with all the chores around the house (could do more but couldn't we all) and since my wife started a new job on w.ends I take all three kids to the park/parties/out every weekend. My wife says I am her rock and so reliable and dependable - she has been though some post natal depression which were very dark times but I would like to think I supported her in the right way.

Present day

Yesterday on my wife's 30th I discovered that she had started smoking again (we both quit a few years back), this, along with other changes in behaviour (suddenly going from mobile never being charged to her constantly texting and never without her phone by her side.) led to me questioning her about if there was someone/something going on. She said "no, not exactly" and that it was "difficult to explain". We had planned to go out for a drink in the evening so we said we would discuss it later.
When we were having a chat to sort out the problems and being completely honest she told me she has met a man at work who is married with a young boy who has made her feel amazing. Although nothing would ever happen (in her words) it has opened her eyes to our relationshsip. 

She proceeded to compare this man with a woman at my workplace.
My wife and I both used to work in the same place and there was a woman there that I was friendly with (chatting etc) and my wife was convinced she had alterior motives so warned me and told me to keep away. I stilll continued to chat in work (difficult not to) but that was all until the Christmas party where we had a very brief and unplanned kiss/snog.
I regretted it straight away and we stopped instantly - there was no sexual behaviour later or anything of that sort at all. The kiss lasted all of 5secs and that was it.
I got home that night rather drunk and have since found out (through my wife) that I more or less told her (in a drunk garble)


As we were being totally honest, cards on the table I came clean and told her that this had happened. 
We are now obviously in a very rocky place. I feel sick to my core and don't want us to split up over this if it can be repaired. My wife says she doesn't even know if she wants to try. Resenting me for all the crap/emotional abuse that I put her through with the sex issue in the early years - although she does say that thngs have improved regarding this a lot but the niggle is still there in the back of her mind.

I have changed completely for the better regarding this (her words again) and the kiss was one kiss and nothing ever went on after, there was absolutely no sexual activity what so ever.

I really want to fix things, I am a famiy man and I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world. I know I shouldn't have done what I have so please avoid such comments. I just need to know what now?

I am not sleeping (3am as I type), struggling to function at work, due to the fear of what is about to happen to our lives. Yes some people will say I deserve it but I am so frightened about the effect this may have on our kids and don't know how to really move forward from here. 

Please any advice, suggestions or experience will help me get through this horrific time


:crying:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to start spying on her so you know exactly what your up against.

if you are competing with a new love then forget about it.

you can be the best husband in the world but as long as there is another man in the marrige you are screwed.

so....again, investigate what you are really up against by looking at phone records, credit card reciepts, odometer on her car, and looking at her searchhistory, emails and social network.

If you are lucky you can catch something before it gets phsyical...if it hasn't already.

Do you know about the red flags for infidelity? From were I'm sitting I see some red flags that need to be quietly investigated.


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## Besson (May 29, 2015)

Hi, and thanks for the reply.
I know that she is texting this guy a lot, she has also lied to me saying that it was a woman from work. I have confronted her and she throws back the fact that part of her wants to make me jealous and hurt because of what I did and I do get/understand that.
This other man is married (happily?) and she knows/says that nothing will/can ever happen and I do believe her. I apprectiate that she is hurting but I also think that she resents me for being pregnant for so much of her early years and now wants to have that young 20 something feeling again.

Don't know anything about the red flags ?

thanks again


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm assuming that you are concerned that your confession will just push her faster into the OM's arms. If so, I agree with you. It's a ready excuse for her.

The quickest way to nip this in the bud is to let the OM's wife know that your W is texting nonstop with her husband and she is finding him amazing. Don't tell your W you are doing this.

I will also assume that you feel so terrible about your own actions that you will be affronted by my suggestion to expose to the OM's wife. Truly, though, if you want any chance of controlling damage here, you need to shut down their burgeoning affair.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Besson said:


> Hi, and thanks for the reply.
> I know that she is texting this guy a lot, she has also lied to me saying that it was a woman from work. I have confronted her and she throws back the fact that part of her wants to make me jealous and hurt because of what I did and I do get/understand that.
> This other man is married (happily?) and she knows/says that nothing will/can ever happen and I do believe her. I apprectiate that she is hurting but I also think that she resents me for being pregnant for so much of her early years and now wants to have that young 20 something feeling again.
> 
> ...


Not that I really believe that this is her primary motive, but if she is using this OM to get back at you, she should be deeply ashamed of herself for inserting herself in another woman's marriage. Even if that isn't her motive, she should be deeply ashamed.


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## Besson (May 29, 2015)

Thanks for replies. It has crossed my mind that I could stir things up by contacting OM's wife but I know that she is only texting to chat and I feel this would be so damaging. She has been a stay at home mum for a long time now and says that she wants to have some new friends so I get that. She really is a nice woman and I can't see her trying to destroy anyone elses marriage.

We are very friendly, she (even now) tells me that she loves me and I do her, we have hugged and kissed a few times over the past couple of days through all of this. We are still sharing the same bed (although I can't sleep at the moment so spend most my nights on the sofa).

I am really scared of separating/divorce. I don't know how this could work with the kids. I don't want and can't live without them yet I know that they would obviously need to be with one of us and I will probably give in to letting them go with her (practicallity sake). She would never stop me seeing them but I am devistated at the thought that my kids won't have a 'family' to experience life with.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Not sure I believe this story is real but...

First, lose the word "mistake" from your vocabulary. You probably knew a kiss was possible or on some level you wanted to kiss her, too. If it had been a shock you would've described it as a shock. Don't blame it on the alcohol, either. Distance yourself from that woman and if she brings it up tell her you and she can no longer be anything more than professional acquaintances. Don't talk about your marriage with her. Look for other work. 

Your wife is the more complex factor here. You haven't discussed how you resolved the office party kiss. Was it swept under the rug? How soon did she leave that job and find her other job? What's the timeline? You need to determine what is going on there, and whether it is an emotional or even physical affair. Why weren't you more alarmed when she told you this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some of the red flags I had to deal with were;
Coming home late from work.
Going out all the time with her girl friends.
Spending the weekend with her girl friends.
Leaving in the middle of the night to help her girl friend.
New panties and bra I have never seen.
Changing plans with another friend suddenly.
Change in music she used to like.
Smaller pay check.
More concerned about being lat for work *again*.
Starting a fight so she had an excuse to leave the house.


Some of the red flags in a coworker affair;
Dressing sexier for work.
Going out to lunch a lot..
Cor odometer has more mile then usual.
Different perfume.

The coworker thing wasn't my old ladies MO....she found her OM at the bars.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Besson said:


> Hi, and thanks for the reply.
> I know that she is texting this guy a lot, she has also lied to me saying that it was a woman from work. I have confronted her and she throws back the fact that part of her wants to make me jealous and hurt because of what I did and I do get/understand that.
> *This other man is married (happily?) and she knows/says that nothing will/can ever happen and I do believe her.* I apprectiate that she is hurting but I also think that she resents me for being pregnant for so much of her early years and now wants to have that young 20 something feeling again.
> 
> ...


They've texting each other in secret. That's not married behavior. 

She didn't say she didn't *want* something to happen. And what is "something"? She's already deceiving you, mate. At least you came clean and were regretful. 

Who resents the person they love for being pregnant? Were your children unplanned? She had children. That's a blessing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Besson said:


> She really is a nice woman and I can't see her trying to destroy anyone elses marriage.
> 
> .


She is not destroying anyone alses marriage the other man is destroying his own marriage by continuing to feed this emotional affair by responding to your wife.

One more thing ...of course your old lady will be pissed....you are getting in the way of her affair by chasing off her boyfriend by contacting his wife.

Dude face it...if your chick has to lie and hide shyt from you there is a reason for it!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You should read up on emotional affairs and how feelings develop inexorably from 'chatting' just the way you describe. This is dangerous behavior for your marriage. I also believe that the OM's wife would not like this.

What your wife is doing is exactly how office affairs start. Before you decide that your analysis thus far is reasonable, educate yourself on the issue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Besson said:


> We are very friendly, she (even now) tells me that she loves me and I do her, we have hugged and kissed a few times over the past couple of days through all of this. We are still sharing the same bed (although I can't sleep at the moment so spend most my nights on the sofa).


Thats how they keep you from getting suspicious.

It must be nice to beable to text her boyfriend all night while you are on the sofa.

Are you going to sneak a look at her phone or what?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you guys having sex...or is she afraid cheating on her boyfriend with her own husband isn't good for her affair?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you would agree that your old lady has an emotional connection with this guy (why else all the texting) and in order to keep that connection she will have to *pay* for it....and the currency is sex.

If this guy starts drifting away cuz he thinks he isn't going to get laid, your wife will be the one making a "mistake".

So to recap;
You are happy with getting a kiss here and there.
You sleep on the sofa.
Your wife resents you for this other girl.
She had this guy under a females name in her contacts.
And she controls you by throwing your mistake in your face every time you address this issue.

Dude you need to look into how far down the rabbit hole your wife has gone!


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## Besson (May 29, 2015)

staystrong said:


> Not sure I believe this story is real but...
> 
> Why don't you belive that my post is real?? I really don't get that?
> 
> ...


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## Besson (May 29, 2015)

staystrong said:


> Who resents the person they love for being pregnant? Were your children unplanned? She had children. That's a blessing.


The kids weren't planned. It was difficult juggling the 2 little ones, she feels that she had missed out on the 'fun' bit of life. I am older and went to Uni, did all the cool stuff. She spent most of her 20s looking after kids. 
I agree with the blessing as they are the best thing to happen to me and my wife is amazing for what she did but I think the process just wore her down. She is a great Mum, but lost a bit of her identity due to being at home for such an extended period. We couldn't afford to have them in childcare.


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## Besson (May 29, 2015)

Thanks The Guy,
I was in turmoil yesterday and didn't know what to do. I considered writing a post online (not my usual thing) and I am soooo glad I did. You (all) have helped me feel that this isn't just about me, there are some BIG quesions and signs...wearing sexy underwear again, smoking, CONSTANTLY texting....I'm not being paranoid and it is not normal behaviour. Yes I sent texts to the OW but she always knew about those, they were never in volume and I didn't do it in her face.

I feel so much more positive. I know that we may not fix things and I am sure that I started this rot but I feel that I can now appreciate that us being apart isn't maybe such a bad thing instead of me beating myself up over and over and not getting on with my life.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Besson said:


> *wearing sexy underwear again*, smoking, CONSTANTLY texting....


Biggest red flag of them all

Its so her new partner can get a thrill from them

It looks like its gone physical I'm afraid

Get the phone and see if she's deleted the texts, simply get it when she goes sleep and lets hope you know the password

Read Weightlifters post on surveillance ....VAR etc


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You did not make a 'mistake', if you are going to repair the damage you did by 'kissing' (based on your word) then you have to own what you did. You damaged your marriage and are now paying for it. (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned). 
it sounds like your wife is paying back what you did (she is only 30, maybe immature response but she gave you three kids) and now you are suffering.

1. You need to acknowledge what you did, you probably shook her trust in you at a deep level and now she has decided to let you feel some of what she felt, you need to do everything in your power to rid her off this memory
2. get yourselves a MC and start dealing with the rubbish in your marriage. Sounds like she is playing a game but she may have bitten off more than she can chew
3. Ask her to stop texting the OM or you will tell his wife

You have your work cut out for you because women never forget!


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Carry out surveillance first before confronting her or she will simply take it underground and you wont know what's happening

If he's married she may be working on him to leave his wife though she possibly doesn't even know that her self and what's the best way to get a guy.....

She's already told you how amazing this guy is.........


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't know why you were questioned if this post is real either...??

Sexy underwear, huge red flag.

When is the last time you had sex?

Is she on birth control? 

There are many kinds of betrayal. What you did was a betrayal. What she's doing it a betrayal. She's probably talking about YOU to the OM. How does that make you feel? 

Does this man smoke? Did she resume smoking so she can have an excuse to take smoke breaks with him?

Are you able to do some lunch break spying at all?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

weightlifters standard evidence post

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666

read it and carry it out it may save you a lot of heartache

Also send a message to Gus with details of her phone Talk About Marriage - View Profile: GusPolinski


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She isn't having an affair. The texting is only platonic, you -and presumably his own wife- have absolutely nothing to worry about!

Phew! Thank goodness for that!

In a continuation of your wife's openness and honesty, here is what I suggest you do. Arrange a nice romantic couple's evening between you, your wife and her "friend" and his wife.

I am sure you will all get on like a domestic property Involved in a major conflagrationary incident.

I mean, what on earth could possibly go wrong for her and her good friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> She isn't having an affair. The texting is only platonic, you -and presumably his own wife- have absolutely nothing to worry about!
> 
> Phew! Thank goodness for that!
> 
> ...


Translation = O.M.G. She's having an affair


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If your W is flagrantly doing these things in your face she is already in deep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Besson, you need to absolve yourself of the sins of the past. You like everyone else made mistakes in your marriage. Your wife forgave those mistakes by staying married to you and producing children with you. These mistakes did not cuase her to cheat. These mistakes are nothing but her own rationalizations as to why she would do such a horrible thing to you.

Your wife is cheating and you need to shut it down if you want to remain married. THere is no point discussing anything with her really or acting like you are married. Just expose to the OM's wife and let him throw yours under the bus.

Read weightlifter's thread about spying.. You don't have the full picture.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> Translation = O.M.G. She's having an affair


Intervention with the two BS' a CTJ moment would be worth punt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There are two separate issues here. First is that your wife is involved with another man and thatc has to end. But you created a hostile environment without trust or bond in your marriage. 

Your wife doesn't trust you, nor should she. And she had to deal with a spoiled, sulking brat when she should've had a strong husband to protect her whIle she was carrying and caring for his children. That broke whatever bond you might have had with her. Your wife doesn't view you as a strong, reliable protector and for women that can be the death of the relationship. 

I think even if you break up this thing with the coworker you'll still have a wife that doesn't trust you and doesn't feel close to you. She's got a lot of resentment from all this. .... you guys are going to need a lot of counseling to have a chance of moving forward. 

Don't get me wrong, I think inserting herself into another marriage is incredibly trashy and you should let the wife know. Then get both of you to a counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds like you're both untrustworthy and both need to reassess yourselves and your marriage. I suggest some serious counseling and soul searching.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I dont understand. what do you mean about "sulking" because you weren't getting sex from her. were you wanting a lot more sex than she did? were you wanting a lot of sex while she was pregnant? her denying you sex - when did that occurr and under what circumstances?


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

Before my wife cheated on me she did the exact same thing. I caught her texting some guy at work and she brushed it off. Deep down I knew it wasn't right and I confronted her with it and she told me that there was some inappropriate texting going on. I told her that it had to stop and she agreed. I naively beleived it had ended. I regret not confronting the guy, not informing his wife at that point in time. 

If you want any shot at keeping your relationship, you need full disclosure on what is going on. Contact the other wife now. Don't wait. Do it. Create a boundary that your wife is no longer allowed to dael with this guy in any way, shape or form. Get her to give you her phone and go through it. DO this randomly. If she won't give you the phone, she is hiding something. Major red flag here. 

I didn't act quick enough and now my wife is gone and I am separated.

Heed my council. It may already be too late for you as well.


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