# Need some advice for the future



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Im currently going through a divorce. I dont plan on a relationship anytime soon. Im not sure I can even trust of love anyone again.

However I do not want to be alone. I miss having someone that loves me.

Im not an attractive guy. My STBX is pretty attractive. 

Im scared I will be alone. Im too shy to meet new people. Was with my ex for 22 years. Im 44.

I feel like its too late to find love again. I want to be happy and I know I will never be happy alone.

Could use some encouragment or similiar stories


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Second, you said your wife was attractive and you found her, why could you not find someone again? It may amaze you how many decent women there are out there who find dependability, honesty, integrity and loyalty very attractive. Do not sell yourself short.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I divorced my ex when I was 44. I'm not UNattractive, but I'm very introverted. Wanting to find a healthy new relationship was sufficient motivation to get out of my comfort zone and date. It really isn't all that difficult - you're dealing with another person one-on-one, which is far easier than a group. And there are plenty of introverted and/or shy women out there, too. I found online dating to be the best way to make contacts and develop interest before meeting - which usually happened fairly quickly if the interest was mutual.

Within a year I'd found a great match - far better than my ex was by far - and we've been happily together now for many years. You can do it too.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's not all about looks. If you're confident, funny and treat the ladies right you'll have no problem finding someone.

Now, if you're only looking for those supermodel types who only see $$ and you don't have $$ then you're going to be sorely disappointed all the time when they turn you down.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I read you posts about the divorce. Sorry you're getting treated this way. But, this is supposed to be about encouragement, right?

44 is nothing for a man with a determined outlook.

You probably already realize that its primarily your head you have to get in gear. For some standard advice, get out and get physical. Hit the gym, get fit and hard if you're not. If you are, get fitter and harder. 

Still, most of it is in your head. Take the time to deal with the crap you've been dealt, but resist the urge to go hog wallowing in it. Confidence, a dash of charm, and a determined attitude will take you miles. You were with your ex since you were 22. At 22 you were still pretty wet behind the ears. You've got a ton of smarts tucked away now to draw on.

What's gone is whatever it was that didn't hold with your ex. If she's capable of blindsiding you with this, she probably has plenty of other mud on her feet she'd have wiped on you. 

Too shy to meet people? Give it time. You'll be surprised how you're network can open up once you're single. You'll be going places with your boys, meeting others in your shoes.

Get in the habit of talking to people in your daily routine. The more you talk, the more people you meet. Word will get around. Ask the women you know, a 44 year old single guy that is not a jerk/loser/con-man is a hot commodity.

For a real lesson in how to treat a lady, watch The Good Guys on Netflix, and follow Detective Dan Stark's every move.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im currently going through a divorce. I dont plan on a relationship anytime soon. Im not sure I can even trust of love anyone again.
> 
> However I do not want to be alone. I miss having someone that loves me.
> 
> ...


My step son is 51, had a terrible marriage. No cooking, no sex, no job....Spent her days making crafts that were too special for her to be willing to sell...And playing with her cats and rabbits......

He talked to me about divorce, and I encouraged it...She smoked, and got lung cancer....He stayed with her through surgery, Chemo, and radiation....Bankrupt, lost house....

She survived, and started smoking again....He waited 5 years, walked in one day, she was puffing on a cig...He handed her the papers.....

Got on too many fish....He said a new woman every night was no problem...This went on for a couple of years....One lived with him for a year or so, couldn't shake her ex, and left...

One of the women he had dated heard about it, and moved in that afternoon...Two years later they got married......

She is a tall curvy blond, cooks like a dream, dumped by her ex, who then died. two married kids, in good health.....Has a good job...no baggage....

Get the picture....The step son reminds you of John Goodman, definitely not a Chippendale type, but treats women well... 

In this day, meeting a woman is easy...Just weed out the mercenary types, those with baggage, and become a player...YOU COULD WIN BIG...


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I wish that could be me. I just feel im not very attractive and not the type to attract women. I got lucky once and dont think lightning will strike twice for me.

I will try eventually but I think its going to be depressing and I will quit.

Oh well I could get me a russian bride!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I wish that could be me. I just feel im not very attractive and not the type to attract women. I got lucky once and dont think lightning will strike twice for me.
> 
> I will try eventually but I think its going to be depressing and I will quit.
> 
> Oh well I could get me a russian bride!


Sign up on Plenty of fish...You will get lots of hits because you are young and single...Soon they will be calling you the ICEMAN because you will have your pick....No kidding...


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

OP, I was 48 when I divorced. My advice is , get yourself in decent shape, ( body and mind ) try to be happy with life and your finances. Then believe me that this is true " the best way to get over one is to get under a new one"
good luck


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Oh well I could get me a russian bride!


I saw a guy in our small town post office with a Russian girl. Sha-zam!

I've wondered how many of them play the game, then ditch. Luckily, these two seemed to get on well. She was a bit of fire-ant, but good natured with him. 

When people talk about being too shy, etc, I always think of Robert DeNiro. I've seen him in movies where he is the saddest, wimpiest looking creature you can imagine. Then, of course, I've also seen him as "Robert DeNiro".

Surely anyone can mold themselves in a similar, if less dramatic way.


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## tjs8447 (Oct 24, 2015)

NMT4me, look everyone has insecurities. A couple pieces of really good advice....and this is both not as easy it sounds and easier than you probably think: 

1) Take care of you. This is a unique opportunity. Fear is the greatest motivator. Use it to motivate you to make positive changes in your life. Fear can kick start the process. You'll find that as you feel better about yourself, the fear will subside and another part of you that feels more healthy and attractive and confident will start doing the heavy lifting to keep it going. If this was "easy" you'd have done it a long time ago, so be prepared to be derailed emotionally and physically from time to time on this pilgrimage to a new you. Use the fears you have to keep you staying the course until you don't need that (as much) anymore.

2) Remember who you are. There are a lot of excellent qualities in a man especially that wants to be loved and admits his fears and seeks advice and...... Take a personal inventory. When you do start to meet women put yourself (who you really are) out there. I'm not saying to not be confident, but I think you can cut through a lot of the fear just as easily by really being you than with false bravado. Most women find that very attractive and most women list communication as one of their top priorities in a relationship. Be a bit careful here though. Really delving deep into fears and emotions is a process of intimacy. And that requires timing. Too soon is not good either.


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