# In desperate need of help to save my marriage! :(



## Reepmaker (Nov 4, 2012)

Hi all, I would just like to start by saying hello to you all. From what I have read so far you seem like a friendly bunch and look forward to getting to know you all a bit better! 

Anyway, best start with my story and see if anyone as any advice for me. 

I have been with my wife for 6 years now and married for four and a half of them. She's a stunning looking girl and I always feel so lucky to have married someone like her. That said she is not always the easiest woman to cope with. She changes her mind in a heartbeat, gets angry very quickly and despite saying she wants me to 'man up', doesn't seem to like it when I do actually put my foot down! I am a very phlegmatic by nature but realise that I need to be more assertive in life. 

I have suffered for many years with on/off sexual performance anxiety. The past 2 years has been very much on though and has plagued my marriage to the point where my wife actually moved out for 10 weeks. She was blaming the lack of spark, she loves me but is not 'in love' with me. She wants me to be more assertive, to stop talking about and actually start my own business, to take control more and make her feel more like the woman in the relationship 

In that time she was gone she met another guy. This relationship ended a week ago and she has since moved back to give things another go with me. I felt a touch cold towards her the first few days but have just started to feel happy she is back to try again. 

I find myself distraught today though. She wanted sex in the early hours this morning and although I maintained an erection I was thinking non stop about my performance. She ended it after a few minutes though saying that it wasn't doing it for her (or words to that effect!). She has now said that she should move back to her bedsit again having spent the past few days moving all her stuff back in! She said she needs more time but I don't think it will help to be honest. I mean, if she is not here how can she see the changes I am trying to make?

I have tried for 2 years to fix the problems my end by counselling (on my own) and for the past 3 months with hypnotherapy. I have learnt that I have an issue of worrying what other think about me which I think is right on the money. 
However, it has not really fixed any of my problems in my marriage. I really had high hopes for the hypno but find that I struggle to get in the zone and as I tend to do when reading a book, end up losing focus and thinking of something like what I am doing tomorrow night etc! 

I am hoping to persuade her to stay till the end of the year when she gets back from work tonight. Can anyone advise me on what I should suggest to her or is my marriage doomed? I know if she leaves in the next few days that she won't be back. 

We have such a strong bond in so many ways and would be so sad if this ends but want to feel that we gave it a real go to get that spark back.

Sorry if this seems like a ramble but wanted to get as much of the story down as possible. 

Thanks for your replies in advance.

Justin


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

dude you had a "nice" guy syndrome and also be willing to be a doormat, she seemed to be manipulative too telling you to "man" up and then she hates it afterwards. About the sexual performance take Viagra (Sildenafil - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) it boost your performance and make you like a porn star(i tired it once just for experimental purpose and it gives me erections for a "long" time)

THAT is the advice i m giving before your wife moves out.

After she moves out and she "cheated" on you by having a relation with a man (might be physical since you failed to give her good sex or an emotional affair)

I think that this marriage is quite over by now get the lawyers and get the papers, begging her to stay til the end of this year never works (it shows that you are a useless doormat).

btw do you have kids? and how old its your wife (she seemed to be quite immature)

p.s i don't want to insult you like that but in this forum but the bottomline is that you need to act fast and end this marriage since it was fated to gone downhill. (you will feel better that way in the future)

good luck


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## Reepmaker (Nov 4, 2012)

Thanks for your reply, it is pretty much what my friends tell me although I have not told them about the ED as it is way too embarrassing for me.

She is 28 so 8 years younger than me and no, we don't have kids.

I just feel that binning the marriage off when I see so many ways to make a difference would be a shame as it didn't come easy for us to be together as it was due to long distance. I also feel we have not worked at things enough yet so closure would be tough.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi Justin,

Sorry mate that you're in such a painful situation. A little while ago I had to ask advice here myself and have been pondering about my own marriage. I'm afraid that both sides need to participate in fixing the relationship - only you having counselling and hypnotherapy is not enough, you both need to work on your marriage - you both need to find out your part in your sex life issues and give each other a chance to support the other. If she is willing to do that with you then she is still interested of fixing your marriage, otherwise... it's too late, she's had enough of it and you can't really do anything else than learn the lesson and try to move on.

Good luck mate!


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

ok i can see the reason for this mess happened, your wife is 28, and you are 36. Married for 4.5 years...... so both of your spouses had a age difference of 8 years. And since your wife is young, that means she had married to you at the age of 23.

it means early marriage for you stbxw as well as age difference is the causes to ruin your marriage.

here my advice, when i start dating (at 27 due to career ambitions) i tend to date women either one year younger than me or 2 years older than me because chances that the women i m dating are more mature and more realistic about their life (my wife is actually one year older than me)

the girl you date to be stbxw was just 22 yrs old a immature girl with impossible expectations "She changes her mind in a heartbeat, gets angry very quickly" this my friend is a trait for an immature person.

you should have noticed that marriages tend to failed because the age different between the spouse and also the age of getting married (your stbxw) since if the bride married too "early" at the age of 23.5 she might actually "missed" something in her life as an single as she gets older. Thus even if you and your wife had a good sexlife she might still leave you anyway.

thus by the first time you date with her 6 years ago, your relationship is more like a ticking bomb more than a loving one.

if you had excess cash or assets or etc you had to pull those off before she starts to demand you anything if divorce is inevitable. I can actually smell gun-power right now

p.s did your wife work? and what do you do for a living?

p.p.s why do you date girls 8 years younger than your age!? you should know chances of failure will be really high, especially if the girl is actually young

p.p.p.s if you get a new life start dating mature women slightly younger than you (3 years at the most), they tend to give you the best sex anyway than a young hot one (i experienced a few so yeah)


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## Reepmaker (Nov 4, 2012)

Spiderman said:


> Hi Justin,
> 
> Sorry mate that you're in such a painful situation. A little while ago I had to ask advice here myself and have been pondering about my own marriage. I'm afraid that both sides need to participate in fixing the relationship - only you having counselling and hypnotherapy is not enough, you both need to work on your marriage - you both need to find out your part in your sex life issues and give each other a chance to support the other. If she is willing to do that with you then she is still interested of fixing your marriage, otherwise... it's too late, she's had enough of it and you can't really do anything else than learn the lesson and try to move on.
> 
> Good luck mate!


Thanks Spiderman, 

I had managed to get her to agree to work at it and to also go to either marriage counselling or sex therapy (not sure which is best for our situation?). I am unsure if she will be so willing following what happened this morning though. I just think she jumped on me too soon whilst we have all the events of the past 3 months on our minds.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

Reepmaker said:


> Thanks Spiderman,
> 
> I had managed to get her to agree to work at it and to also go to either marriage counselling or sex therapy (not sure which is best for our situation?). I am unsure if she will be so willing following what happened this morning though. I just think she jumped on me too soon whilst we have all the events of the past 3 months on our minds.


I'm in a marriage of 6yrs and my husband has sex issues. He won't talk about it or look help from professionals. I'm not as hot-tempered as your wife (at least I wouldn't say things like that if I can clearly understand that you're already freaking out and putting enormous pressure on yourself) but there have been times when I felt that I can't take it anymore and it was quite difficult not to just leave. 
What I want from my husband is that he would actually DO something to save that marriage and that is what I suggest to you too... find out which one (counselling or sex therapy) would be better to start with, ask your wife's opinion too, in case she has an idea which one you should start with. If she doesn't care which one, make an appointment which suits you both and get started. Show initiative! Hopefully she will understand that it's not going to be fixed over night and will care enough to stick around and do her part too (I mean, it's clearly not your problem only, hope you've realized that and are not blaming only yourself).


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Who is the breadwinner?

Is she still in contact with her f-buddy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reepmaker (Nov 4, 2012)

To be honest we both earn similar amounts although I look after the mortgage and she looks after the payment of her place she has. 

She is still in contact with him as far as that he is trying to get her back!


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

Reepmaker said:


> To be honest we both earn similar amounts although I look after the mortgage and she looks after the payment of her place she has.
> 
> She is still in contact with him as far as that he is trying to get her back!


this is getting ugly, serious save yourself from unnecessary pain and start a new life (and also date someone as old as you PLEASE) 

this marriage is a done-deal.......... (btw you had similar income as her eventhough you are 8 years older than her!? what job are you doing)


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