# The other issue.



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I posted here about 2 months back about not liking my ex-gf of 3 year's kids. Ended relationship.

Fast forward about 6-8 weeks. . .she emails me last night wanting closure, thinking about sex with you, etc.

Here's the thing, and I'd like some women here with some HONEST answers.

One of the things that hurt me was and I was unable to compromise on is she didn't want to move into my "crappy house." (it is admittedly crappy in spots, kitchen in particular). And at 46 years old, I don't want to remortgage and go house hunting like a couple of wide-eyed 20 somethings.

I guess I am angry at her. . .her circumstance:

A. She was in a marriage with domestic violence
B. She went bankrupt shortly after
C. She has a modest job.
D. She has a kid with a chronic, recurring bone disease.
E. The kids father is minimally involved as a parent.

You would think her values would be on health and other less materialistic things.

I think of the Chris Rock routine:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RA4MykPm4s

(it's raunchy so just a disclosure).
_
"Even the best woman cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can't do it."_ And that's just it, other than that. . .she WAS the best woman. Really a good woman. I mean that.

Her father set her up nicely after the divorce in a nice townhouse (he owns, she pays rent) and moving in with me is a "step backwards." I know that. Nice amenities are sparse to non-existent at my place.

I try to get it, but I guess women, can you help me out here a bit? Why does a nice kitchen, and carpets, and decorations mean so much you would turn away a guy for, who was pretty good on all other dimensions? It can't be just the material things themselves - is it the prestige things carry with it?

I'm literally blown away because I did think she was different than my ex-wife, who pretty much thought she was owed a lifestyle and when we didnt' get it, resentment and anger set in. 

This is all separate from the other issue of not caring for her kids. I guess trying to get some closure myself. . .vs. just not dealing with it. I wished her well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not all women are the same, as you know.

For reasons that she and you know, it didn't work out. But I ask you: do you really want to be with someone who's kids you can't stand, who is materialistic and who calls your house "crappy?" Do you want to even entertain sexting this peson who has made you feel bad and like you aren't up to par for them? 

My guess is no.

So please do not generalize all women with her in mind and keep dating. Even if she had wanted to move into your "crappy" house as you say, my bet is it wouldn't have worked since you can't stand her children. 

Don't dwell and move on.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Calling it crappy is rude and she has had it good with Daddy taking care of her. It seems she expects to be taken care of. My parents have helped a LOT but I let them know at every turn how appreciative I am and I've been paying off the loan for legal bills every single month for 3 years with 3 more to go.

A: do NOT hold against her. If you met me now, you'd have NO IDEA I was ever in that situation. I thought that was for white trash when I was younger. And then suddenly it was ME.

B: Bankruptcy is a bad sign and CAN show a sense of entitlement although it depends on whether or not most of it was due to her ex. My ex let the house go into forclosure after I left (unbeknownst to me) but I looked up the statute of limitations, rode it out, repaired my credit and paid off my car loan and my student loan (my only personal debt - the rest was ex's). Four years almost to the day I moved into my house with a credit score of around 750. And it's only gotten better in the last 7 years. Financial responsibility is HUGE to me after trying to deal with finances with a person who had grandiose ideas.

C. So? Is she not ambitious that bothers you? Perhaps she's had to focus more on the child? Careers come at a price - family sometimes has to suffer. Going back to school means less time with child. 

The job in and of itself doesn't say much except that you apparently feel superior or that her job would seem menial or beneath someone in your inner circle. At least she works.

D. She can't help that; neither can the child. Perhaps the kid is the way he is because he was coddled during his youth due to his medical issues.

E. So? Another reason why the kid is the way he is, possibly. I'm not sure how that affects you unless you feel there will be an undue burden on you to provide, interact and otherwise parent.

Bottom line, it doesn't sound like it's worth going back to because of YOUR doubts, not because of anything specific to her except maybe she was used to better stuff. Personally I wouldn't want to give up my place for a lesser place and would rather get something together that was OURS vs. hers/his. Or maybe I'd be willing to move if what I spent on rent previously was now applied to renovations.

Home is special to women. We need to feel safe and happy. Happy for some is a well appointed kitchen. Others it's having space for a garden. I have a strong need for peace, so I like harmony in decor, visual balance and very little clutter.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, I posted here about 2 months back about not liking my ex-gf of 3 year's kids. Ended relationship.
> 
> Fast forward about 6-8 weeks. . .she emails me last night wanting closure, thinking about sex with you, etc.
> 
> ...


When I was discussing moving my daughter and I in with my second husband, the house he was renting was tiny and not in great shape...it was fine though, except for the kitchen. There was an ancient old farm sink in there and all the cabinets had fallen down but one. I told him that I could not in good conscience move my child into the home unless something was done with the kitchen. Number one, what would her dad think? That kind of thing does NOT give a good impression when considering it as your child's environment, in all honesty. So the landlord had already been working on plans to remodel it when the last cabinets had fallen down, so the once the kitchen was completed, we moved in. So in answering your query, it was about my daughter and the environment that I was bringing her into to live, not me having lofty requirements. 

Now I dont have any clue what kind of shape your home is actually in to prompt her calling it crappy. I have a feeling that it is probably just fine and perfectly liveable, but not to HER standards.


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