# What does "no sex" look like for you?



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I see a lot of posts on here about people not getting sex, but it seems to vary a lot on what that means. So a couple of questions for those who feel like they aren't getting any:

1. How often would you say you do have sex? It seems like some people say we're not having any sex but get it once a month, some have been waiting years.

2. Do you get other sexual acts (oral, manual, whatever) besides just penetrative sex? If so, how frequently?

3. Do you get any physical affection (hugs, massages, kisses, hand holding, etc.)? 

4. Do you get any other signs of affection? Compliments, gifts, service, I love yous?

5. What do you attribute your current sexual relationship's status to? Spouse's LD? Fighting? EA or PA? Kids? 

6. What is your plan to resolve this issue? Is your partner willing to work with you?

It especially saddens me that a lot of people not getting sex are not getting other affection either. My husband and I NEVER have sex (have yet to have sex) and we're in therapy to work on his issues, but he's still just as affectionate physically with me as he was when we were dating. He loves being close to me and will sometimes insert himself between me and whatever I'm doing to cuddle. We always spoon at night. He kisses and hugs me numerous times throughout the day. Same for saying I love you, complimenting me, checking in with how I'm doing, doing chores around the house, etc.

What about you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Never
No
No
No
Severe personality problems
Split up, no.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hearts, 
We have a challenging situation in that my wife has vulvodynia and menopause has reduced her desire. The vulvodynia specialist told her he thought she was a good candidate for surgery. I have read the stats on surgery for that condition and they are not very good. 

She got a prescription for a topical med that reduces inflammation and bought a set of dialators. Gradually increased up to the dialator which is my 'size', which is the one that hurts. 
So intercourse is out, and she maybe has desire 3 days per month. 
My W knows that my ideal is every other day. We compromise at 2 times a week doing non intercourse stuff, and non sexual affection is part of every day I am not traveling for business. The non sex nights are almost always a back scratch or back massage for me or us.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Hearts,
> We have a challenging situation in that my wife has vulvodynia and menopause has reduced her desire. The vulvodynia specialist told her he thought she was a good candidate for surgery. I have read the stats on surgery for that condition and they are not very good.
> 
> She got a prescription for a topical med that reduces inflammation and bought a set of dialators. Gradually increased up to the dialator which is my 'size', which is the one that hurts.
> ...


How long have you been married and how long has she had this problem? Do you think you can continue in your relationship indefinitely without being completely satisfied or do you feel like it's a work in progress?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Together almost 25 years. The painful intercourse became a serious problem about a year ago. I am going to guess we had i-course the last time end of last year. 

At that point we switched to doing the usual stuff you would expect in this situation. We are both around 50. 

I accept that this is unlikely to change. I really like it when we connect and she is very turned on. And I realize that for much of each month when we connect it feels nice for her, but not lust filled nice, just gentle touch nice. 

She is good about making it fun for me. 




heartsdelight said:


> How long have you been married and how long has she had this problem? Do you think you can continue in your relationship indefinitely without being completely satisfied or do you feel like it's a work in progress?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Never
> No
> No
> No
> ...


Sorry dude, but you crack me up!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> I see a lot of posts on here about people not getting sex, but it seems to vary a lot on what that means. So a couple of questions for those who feel like they aren't getting any:
> 
> 1. How often would you say you do have sex? It seems like some people say we're not having any sex but get it once a month, some have been waiting years.
> 
> ...


1. Once a week.
2. Yes, bj's, hj's, wanding
3) Yes to all.
4) Yes to all.
5) Me = asexual; H = LD
6) No issues to resolve.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Sorry dude, but you crack me up!


My wife has hired and fired a roomful of therapists and marriage counselors. One she sued, another she goaded into a physical altercation during our session. Suggesting it again is not in the cards. It wouldn't solve anything. Which is kind of ironic. I'm the one who's not touchy feely or moved by talk therapy even though I still see my own medical psychiatrist on a semi-regular basis and she's the one who's always talking this or that pop psych thing. Mostly it boils down to control. It's impossible in any practical way to talk-therapy a paranoid because that's essentially what's wrong with them - they utterly refuse to listen or think about anyone else but them and anyone who tries to get them to think outside their self is a massive threat.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Hearts,
> We have a challenging situation in that my wife has vulvodynia and menopause has reduced her desire. The vulvodynia specialist told her he thought she was a good candidate for surgery. I have read the stats on surgery for that condition and they are not very good.
> 
> She got a prescription for a topical med that reduces inflammation and bought a set of dialators. Gradually increased up to the dialator which is my 'size', which is the one that hurts.
> ...


MEM, I just listened to a podcast by Dan Savage Savage Love by Dan Savage - Seattle Columns - Savage Love - Dan Savage - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper and someone rang in with similar problems. Someone else rang in the next week to say she had also suffered from pain in the same way and it had taken visiting something like five different specialists to find something to help. She (or the specialist Savage called to help answer, I can't remember which) suggested seeing a urologist, as the pain can be tied up with UTIs or other related conditions.

Anyway, I think the podcast was from sometime in July. I'm happy to find the link if you're interested in listening.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am. I have many fond memories of intercourse, and would love to find a way to resume. I am feeling retain my W would as well. 

Fire away...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Seattle Columns - Savage Love - Dan Savage - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

Tuesday June 26th, episode 297. 

Hope it helps.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

And it must have been number 298 where the listener rang in with her advice and experience. He plays those at the end.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

1. Every few months but has now been 6 months because I decided to stop initiating. I'll probably never have sex again.
2. No other acts
3. Hugs, peck on the lips goodbye
4. He tells me he loves me a couple of times a day
5. He has no libido whatsoever

6. I've been to counseling a few times on my own. He refuses to go because he doesn't acknowledge there is a problem and because of this it can't be resolved and I don't know what to do about it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1. How often would you say you do have sex? 

Over the past two years it averages once every three weeks. If you take out six times in one week while on vacation and a few weeks we did it twice, even less often.

2. Do you get other sexual acts (oral, manual, whatever) besides just penetrative sex? 

Full-blown sex includes oral and manual in addition to penetrative sex, but unless it is full-blown sex, wife isn't interested in helping me out wit a BJ or HJ

3. Do you get any physical affection (hugs, massages, kisses, hand holding, etc.)? 

Hugs, light kisses, hand-holding. Honestly? if I was having sex more often I'd be happy to do more of those. But when you haven't had sex for weeks, you really don't want to participate in non-sexual intimacy as it just adds to the frustration.

4. Do you get any other signs of affection? Compliments, gifts, service, I love yous? 

Yes, but I think most guys will tell you that sex is the best sign of affection. I get compliments, gifts, service and I Love You's from my family.

5. What do you attribute your current sexual relationship's status to? Spouse's LD? Fighting? EA or PA? Kids? 

What came first... the chicken or the egg? Is my wife's disinterest in sex because I've stopped meeting her needs or have I stopped meeting her needs because she is no longer interested in sex?

6. What is your plan to resolve this issue? Is your partner willing to work with you? 

I've talked to her about this, met her needs, gone to marriage counseling, talked to my doctor and seen therapists. She mentioned it in passing once to her doctor and never followed up on her advice. I've explained how a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship is necessary to keep our marriage together and left it in her hands to figure out what to do. She has done nothing.

It especially saddens me that a lot of people not getting sex are not getting other affection either. 

It's hard to show affection to someone who (a) doesn't recognize/acknowledge your needs or (b) does but won't do anything about it. They may feel that "affection" is sufficient enough to show they love you, but there needs to be intimacy in the relationship, too.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Remember that unlike most female Refusers, male sexual refusers in a marriage tend not to want to show any affection- in or out of the bedroom. This is especially true if sexual dysfunctions are the cause of the sexless marriage. But even if erectile or ejaculatory problems are not apparent and it is simply a lack of desire men see all shows of affection as a slippery slope to sex and thus a reminder of either their sexual difficulties or their guilt over not wanting to have sex with their wife. A guilt by the way that is rarely if ever expressed out loud.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

1. none in 2 1/2 years
2. nothing
3. maybe a hug once a week
4. nope
5. her ld
6. dunno


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Remember that unlike most female Refusers, male sexual refusers in a marriage tend not to want to show any affection- in or out of the bedroom. This is especially true if sexual dysfunctions are the cause of the sexless marriage. But even if erectile or ejaculatory problems are not apparent and it is simply a lack of desire men see all shows of affection as a slippery slope to sex and thus a reminder of either their sexual difficulties or their guilt over not wanting to have sex with their wife. A guilt by the way that is rarely if ever expressed out loud.


This may be true in a lot of cases, but my husband is VERY affectionate, although non-sexual. Frequent hugs, kisses, hand holding, and cudding. But he doesn't want sex very often.

His is a self esteem issue, and his love language is physical touch. He gets his needs filled by lots of touchy affection.

He doesn't have the self confidence to follow it through with sex.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

heartsdelight said:


> I see a lot of posts on here about people not getting sex, but it seems to vary a lot on what that means. So a couple of questions for those who feel like they aren't getting any:
> 
> 1. every 2 - 3 months
> 
> ...


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Over the past two years it averages once every three weeks. If you take out six times in one week while on vacation and a few
> It's hard to show affection to someone who (a) doesn't recognize/acknowledge your needs or (b) does but won't do anything about it. They may feel that "affection" is sufficient enough to show they love you, but there needs to be intimacy in the relationship, too.


I hadn't thought about it like that. What I more meant though was people who are being denied sex by their partner and their partner also does not provide other acts of affection or seem to respond to the willing partner's attempts. I feel bad that people are trying so hard to make it work and their partner is just shutting them down on all fronts. I at least am very thankful my husband shows me affection and love in other ways, including lots of hugs and kisses, and is trying to work through things.

Thanks for the responses everyone.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Hugs, light kisses, hand-holding. Honestly? if I was having sex more often I'd be happy to do more of those. *But when you haven't had sex for weeks, you really don't want to participate in non-sexual intimacy as it just adds to the frustration.*


No truer words have ever been spoken.

Probably.



heartsdelight said:


> I hadn't thought about it like that. What I more meant though was people who are being denied sex by their partner and their partner also does not provide other acts of affection or seem to respond to the willing partner's attempts. I feel bad that people are trying so hard to make it work and their partner is just shutting them down on all fronts. I at least am very thankful my husband shows me affection and love in other ways, including lots of hugs and kisses, and is trying to work through things.
> 
> Thanks for the responses everyone.


My wife would constantly want to cuddle, spoon, hold hands and that was probably the most frustrated I've ever felt in my life.

Spooning with someone who can literally FEEL your arousal, yet continues to deny you . . . if that's not torture I don't know what is.

I would actually lay there with my arm around her, pelvis to pelvis, with tears in my eyes.

All while being told that our lack of sexual contact was "not a big deal" and that it was "my problem."

*sigh* I think we are past that for now, we'll see in a few months if things stay good.


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