# Dealing with past infidelities



## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

A few months ago, I learned that my current girlfriend of a year had past infidelities. We were discussing past relationships and I was suspecting that 2 of these "relationships" were overlapping. It came out that, indeed, she had been cheating on her ex-boyfriend while she was deployed.
After she got back from that deployment and after she broke up with her boyfriend, she also slept with an engaged friend of hers.

This all happened a year up to 4 months before I met her. She knows I am aware of this and we discussed it briefly (maybe too briefly) but she seems remorseful as she was terribly depressed during this deployment.
She was also the victim of a "catfish" story that added fuel to the fire: while deployed and after she broke up with her boyfriend, she got in contact with a guy who could potentially become a love interest for when she would come back from deployment. It turned out that guy never existed and was in fact a female friend of hers posing as a guy (pretty f'ed up, right?).

She never cheated on me or gave me any reason to doubt her but I am terribly insecure when it comes to these past infidelities.

How can I deal with this?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Julien said:


> She never cheated on me or gave me any reason to doubt her but I am terribly insecure when it comes to these past infidelities.
> 
> How can I deal with this?


If there is nothing tying you together I'd probably walk. I think you were fortunate to get a glimpse of what a future with her would look like.

I could be wrong about her, but personally I wouldn't risk it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Cheaters always have reasons. It could be that she learnt from her experience and is a better person now. I would say that I would break up if I were you but not only did she cheat on her bf but she also slept with an engaged friend of hers. Pretty bad red flags, especially the engaged friend. It only shows how much empathy she has for other people. People rarely change. Did her bf eventually find out ?

The catfish scenario is totally irrelevant to what she did. Actually it adds to the scenario. She was cheating with 2 guys. I'm sure you had some bad experiences in your life. 

BS who post here often regret getting together with cheaters in the first place because they their relationship was "special" unlike the ones the cheater had before.

Ask her to come clean with her ex-bf and her engaged friend's SO if she is so remorseful . You should get some answers where her mind is,


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## Surfermiquel (Apr 22, 2013)

Your own words answered your inquiry.

Do you really think she has the maturity level for a life long commitment. Heck could not even commit to herself and country.

It came out that, indeed, she had been cheating on her ex-boyfriend while she was deployed.
After she got back from that deployment and after she broke up with her boyfriend, she also slept with an engaged friend of hers.


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

Thank you for your answers so far.

Warlock: Her ex-boyfriend highly suspects it but I don't believe he ever found out. They're not in contact at all anymore.
Also, the catfish scenario happened after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. She actually told people at home that she broke up with him and her female "catfish" friend set her up with the imaginary guy, but like you say, it's irrelevant.
Also, what do you mean by "I'm sure you had some bad experiences in your life"? Actually, I don't. Ups and downs like everybody else but nothing home wrecking.

I know that most of the advice I'm gonna get here will tell me to run for the hills.
I took the decision to make it work, for now at least. I am willing to take the risk. I am the one who is unable to deal with her past and I believe her when she says she is remorseful.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

To me its the past. It was before you. 

You need to grow up a bit as well.

But your eyes are now open and you know what your getting into. don't commit yourself emotionally if it is going to tear you apart.

It might be something you might want to talk about again and address your worries of being that next guy and as was mentioned her maturity level when dealing with relationships. 

*BUT* don't address this while playing xbox and not having showered for 3 days, if you get what I mean.

Don't be the pot calling the kettle black scenario. 

I get your situation but I don't know you. You might be living at home in your moms basement without a job for the past year because you didn't get out to look for one. Where as this women is serving her country. 

I don't think a person should have to wear a scarlet letter for the rest of their lives. Not even my STBXW should. She did ME wrong not this OM.. They both need to live what they did, not me.. She will see that every time she looks at me. That is her scarlet letter that she has to bear for the rest of her life, long after I am dead.

I'm assuming your a man in your 20s, so I will tell you this. When you get into your 40s and have to date you will find out several things.

1. Women put out much faster, it doesn't make them ****s or wh0res.. It makes them adults that are making a choice. 

2. By this age everyone has some baggage your gonna have to deal with. Your not going to get that Ex nun that just left the convent or the model who has been in a coma for 20 years and just woke up to see your face and fell in love. Everyone is going to have some bumps and bruises. Including yours truly..

Nutshell go with your heart but think with your head.. 

Clear the air ONCE and only ONCE with her. This is a topic that once it is explained and understood is off the table. You cannot bring it up anymore.. PERIOD.. Otherwise your putting that scarlet letter on her and definitely don't use this as ammo in a fight or argument.. 

EVER

Unless you do become her next victim..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has shown a strong tendency to cheat. You know of at least 2 times. There's something in her that allows her to do that. Whatever it is, it needs to be thoroughly addressed.

So, you know she can cheat. If she cheats on you in the future, you'll learn an important and heartbreaking lesson in life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If the roles were reversed do you think she would want to be with you and trust you?


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

Here is some background:

I'm a man in my mid-20s (is it that obvious?). I moved thousands of miles away from home to work the good job I have, so no, not living in my Mom's basement.
She's a few years older than me, a student in her senior year, looking towards a promising career, as well as a reservist.

Bryanp: If the roles were reversed and I was truly in love like she shows me she is with me, I would make everything possible to show her that I'm not the same person anymore. I believe that this is what she is doing.

Hardtohandle: I will follow your advice and clear the air when I see her tonight. Any advice on how I should handle it?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Julien said:


> A few months ago, I learned that my current girlfriend of a year had past infidelities.
> ....
> She never cheated on me or gave me any reason to doubt her but I am terribly insecure when it comes to these past infidelities.
> 
> How can I deal with this?


Sounds like you're thinking she may end up being more than a girlfriend. If so then wait a few years before popping any questions. And don't fold to pressure to take it to the next level. You'd be nuts to ignore past history of cheating. Really history of any major character flaws is very scary.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep in mind that you're getting an insight into her inner values snd decision making logic.

You say she's remorseful, but she faced no fallout or consequences. In fact she got completely away with it. So why is she remorseful ?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her past is her past---and it has nothing to do with your relationship---everyone has a past---and you take them with their past or you don't---when she did what she did, she didn't even know you existed

BUT 

She did have sex, with a man that was engaged-------so you do have to wonder about her morals----she had no problem helping the guy she had sex with to cheat on his fiancée------that would be the thing that has to be bothersome----and THAT SHOULD BE DISCUSSED AT LENGTH


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Julien said:


> Thank you for your answers so far.
> 
> Warlock: Her ex-boyfriend highly suspects it but I don't believe he ever found out. They're not in contact at all anymore.
> Also, the catfish scenario happened after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. She actually told people at home that she broke up with him and her female "catfish" friend set her up with the imaginary guy, but like you say, it's irrelevant.
> ...


She might be remorseful...was she honest enough to tell her ex? You're a smart guy and managed to work out the overlapping time frames, I bet in the midst of telling you she knew she made a mistake she couldn't wriggle out of.

You might think you're unique, you might think you can "save" her, heal her, rehabilitate her with your love but you'll quickly find out it's not about you, it's about her. It may not happen now, in a month, a year but when things finally cool or the opportunity presents itself, it will become all about her again.
What were her justifications for cheating? Why won't those same justifications come into play again?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

The past is what makes us who we are today. You ever notice how people want to write their past off when it makes the person they are today look bad or shows where their values lie but RARELY do the same when their past makes them look good??

Honestly I'd walk away from her. She may very well have changed but it's not likely. Like someone else said, it sounds like she faced no consequences for what she did so it's hard to believe that she feels genuine remorse. There are plenty of women out there who are nowhere near as selfish that you can find.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Once a cheater always a cheater, whether in the real world or in spirit.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> Once a cheater always a cheater, whether in the real world or in spirit.


Was the "spirit" pun intentional, Single Malt? (haha)

Also, I think your avatar, if I'm not mistaken, is a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold Label, which is in fact a blended scotch. Switch to a real single malt like Lagavulin!


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

BK23 said:


> Was the "spirit" pun intentional, Single Malt? (haha)
> 
> Also, I think your avatar, if I'm not mistaken, is a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold Label, which is in fact a blended scotch. Switch to a real single malt like Lagavulin!


No, no pun. And yes, its blended I realize. My fav single is Glenlivet

Ok, back to the thread


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