# I've been mentally and verbally abusing my partner and I want to change



## nexus6 (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi,

My partner left a week ago after a big argument where I wrote her a nasty letter telling her we should break up. We have been together for many years but aren't married, but might as well be. I didn't mean for her to leave when I wrote the letter, I was just angry. She told me that I have been hurting her for many years and she finally just had to leave.

I have been trying to make sense of what happened and when I started reading the definition of mental and verbal spousal abuse and started to feel sick because that was what I was doing to her. I never hit her or was violent in any way, but I have been trying to control her and make her perfect in my eyes. Often would make little verbal slights towards her about her behavior or try and correct her constantly. Also, when we would fight I would always threaten to leave and make a big show of getting ready to storm out. I would sometimes embarrass her in front of friends. We always did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. She said she felt like she was always walking on egg shells around me, which is one the key signs of abuse. Externally everyone thought we were the perfect couple and were shocked when she left. Knowing now what I did is like waking up one day and realizing you're Charles Manson not the nice guy you thought you were.

I still love her very much and am literally sick about what I did to her and want to change more than anything I have wanted in my life. I don't know if it's too late for us, I think she may be seeing a man who helped her when she left, I don't know if it's platonic or not, but she says there's a chance things could work out between us still. I'm having trouble finding resources for abusers who want to change? I want to get help more than anything and I don't want her near me until I do, but I can't find any resources?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Check Amazon for some self-help books. 

And see someone. Something in your background created you and you need to come to terms with it. You also have to learn to stop yourself -- to become aware of what you are doing and to put yourself on a timeout before you act. The problem is that without her there, you won't get to practice it much so this is why you should see someone so you can talk about your past and about your bad behaviors and work with them.

Don't do this just to get her back. If you don't fix this you'll be like this with anyone you are with as well as with your kids when you have some.


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## nexus6 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. Yes I found a couple of books on Amazon and ordered them. However they all seem to be written for the abused women, not for a men who want help with their behavior.

I have recently gone to a therapist, however she seems to just be interested in validating me, rather than looking at what I did. I don't need anymore validation, I think that's part of why I do what I did. I feel like a real structured treatment program would be good, but I can't seem to find anything.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Couple of thoughts -- remember that at the beginning the therapist is trying to establish a rapport with you. She doesn't want to freak you out, stop you from coming, make you feel judged. If you feel you've had enough coddling, just tell her. If you don't get something more constructive out of her, thank her and say you won't be back, and then find someone else. 

I'd have to suggest finding a man. Somehow I think a man would better be able to relate to you as a man. 

When you ring to make an appointment, ask if the person has any experience with someone like you -- be specific. Ask them how much experience (how many clients) and what the general outcome is. If you don't like the sound of their answer, don't make the appointment.

There is a book : The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing


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## nexus6 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks for the great advise dobo. I hadn't really thought about that a man might be a better bet. I guess I figured that since it was a relationship issue a women would be better. However this really is about me isn't it.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am just curious to know if you have told her directly, like the way you wrote in your post. I think that would help make an impact and then follow up with the real changes. I think it is great that you see what has been happening and are taking responsibility for it. I too finally saw what I was doing in my relationship after my husband left. I just wish I would have seen it before then. But then again sometimes that is what it takes.


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