# Was this disrespectful ?



## collieman (Sep 5, 2009)

After 30 years of marriage, our son is now a freshman in college. On a recent visit to bring him home, I asked my wife if she would mind sitting in the back seat during the 30 minute return trip. She got angry and extremely offended. Her point is that it was disrespectful of me to even consider asking her to sit in the back. I admit it is not the most comfortable seat. I apologized, and said that no disrespect was intended; however, she has now been mad for a second day. Was I disrespectful, and is her reaction suitable for this situation? Thanks in advance for your honest comments.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Why did you ask her to sit in the back?


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## Bernadine (Sep 5, 2009)

I am assuming you asked her to sit on the back so that you could drive and talk to your son about his first year experiences. As a woman could have been hurt or not. If 
I felt it was more important that the two of you bonded I would have been okay with it. But, this should have been resolved sooner. It's one of those small things that you shouldn't waste too much time on. In saying that maybe there is something underlying ther-- maybe feelings of insecurity or feeling unappreciated or maybe a jealously. Try letting her know how much you love and appreciate her-- break the ice, do something quirky, get her to laugh. It's not worth spending time being angry.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think it was disrespectful. but if she's really angry about it that means she's been having issues with feeling this way for awhile.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would have seen it as disrespectful... after all you could drive to your destination and bond with your son.
In sense, you took your wife for granted. She is still mad because you don't "get it".


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

You have made a proposal for her to sit at the back. It sounds to me a completely legitimate proposal. She objected. And I suppose she got the seat she likes. You went as far as to apologize. I think the issue should be settled there. At most she can be mad for another 15 minutes. But to still be mad on the second day??

To the friends here who find this disrespectful, my question is what have said have said. And OP has done what he can to mend the situation. What more can he do to defuse the tension?

For those who are on the receiving end of the unexpected rage, this can easily be turned into a mine field situation. Today it is where she sits. Tomorrow it is something else. No matter which way you walk you are always at risk something blowing up.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I don't think it was disrespectful as much as it hurt her....If you wished to do this you should have asked her privately....A woman can build many things into her mind with an action such as this....Maybe you don't love her as much or any other little thing...I would say that some roses would help.....

Caroline


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## sojac (Sep 6, 2009)

Ask yourself this... Would you have asked her to sit in the back if you were picking up your daughter? Or if your wife said let me drive and you get in the back?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It is good that you ask for input, and I HOPE it is to learn something rather than to prove yourself right or wrong.

Why after THIRTY years of marriage you'd even ASK a woman who has hung in there with another human being for THIRTY years to _get in the back seat_? 

Wow. If my dh did that I would look at him like he had a third eyeball.

Your son is not the cornerstone of your marriage, your wife is. 
I hope to heaven's sake you didn't ASK in FRONT of your son, as then you have taught him a woman of 30 years hasn't EARNED your respect by her loyalty and love for you.

You need to give her a diamond or something...and apologize and take your punishment, dude.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Just look her dead in the eye and say "the rule is you have to call Shotgun". :smthumbup:
> 
> She will laugh eventually. I think.



Although funny to the outsider, Atholk, saying that implies she must compete for place with a child.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

No, it is called respect....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

aurorazz said:


> To the friends here who find this disrespectful, my question is what have said have said. And OP has done what he can to mend the situation. What more can he do to defuse the tension?


its like preso said, he obviously doesnt 'get it'. aside from placating his wife (if that) i doubt he's done anything since he doesnt think he was wrong. and im sure this isnt the first time he's put his wife 'in the back seat' so to speak. she's probably just tired of being treated that way. im guessing its an entire attitude overhaul that his wife is looking for, not an apology for this isolated event.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

would have been a better idea to have her drive and you and son sit in the back....
also safer as you could talk and not be distracted by driving.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

If he didn't want to talk and bond with the son, why then would he ask his WIFE to sit back seat to the SON?


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Why after THIRTY years of marriage you'd even ASK a woman who has hung in there with another human being for THIRTY years to _get in the back seat_?
> ...
> I hope to heaven's sake you didn't ASK in FRONT of your son, as then you have taught him a woman of 30 years hasn't EARNED your respect by her loyalty and love for you.


I must say I'm completely baffled by this seating discussion. Where is all these anger come from? I don't "get it" either. Is this due to some cultural differences among us? My wife and I rotate for every seat in the car for various reasons. Some seat is more preferable to the other. But otherwise we have no strong emotional attachment. I am have totally no idea how this can ever become a taboo subject.

Let me vary the situation a little bit. If your 11 years old son ask "Mom, can I sit in the front? I want to see it when the car crosses the bridge". Would you find this offensive? Will you give your son a hard lesson, like "It is very disrespectful to ever talk to you mom like this. Stay in your seat. I never want to hear this non-sense again!" Is this the kind of response we should expect? Do we have a different culture so that this is handled differently?

Please don't take offense. I just want to have a candid discussion. I feel the OP has gone above and beyond to mend for an innocent suggestion. This should have never been more than a minor disagreement. I want to understand why some of you think this should incite a big argument?


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Your son is not the cornerstone of your marriage, your wife is.


This sort of idea is going to cause conflict quickly. Everyday we make dozens of small interactions. They are not mean to be a statement on who's the cornerstone of the marriage. People should not escalate a minor situation into a who's more important decision.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

aurorazz said:


> People should not escalate a minor situation into a who's more important decision.


I think you are assuming this is a minor situation. You are very fixated on the idea that its 'just a seat' but the emotion behind the situation seems to allude you. his wife is very angry. i dont know if you've ever been very angry before, but if you have im sure you can appreciate that your feelings in that situation where important to you- regardless if they were important to anyone else. something that may piss you off might seem trivial to someone else, but that doesnt under value what you are feeling. so instead of valuing the cosmetics of the situation- the seating arrangement- try to value what the person is feeling. 

If you can recognize that she is very angry, and that when you are angry its important to you, then you can value her anger as important. And since anger is just a facade for hurt, you can then go a step further and have empathy for her pain. so she has been angry for two days- that's a lot of hurt. Then you can talk to her with empathy for her pain. 

Or, you can call the situation minor, tell her she's being ridiculous for getting upset over something that she _should_ be ok with. 

see which one gets you further.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Or, you can call the situation minor, tell her she's being ridiculous for getting upset over something that she _should_ be ok with.


Ridiculous is my first impression. But most people here are being patient and not dismissing her outright. The OP has made good faith effort to placate her. Even me as a third party observer is making an effort to find out the issue and resolve it. Still patience has a limit. Some posters suggest to buy her roses or even diamond ring. I think this is going too far to reward tantrum.

Why am I so 'fixated' on the seating issue? First of all we have to find out the social norm, the shared value among us. What will be the response had he written this to Miss Manner? Is she going to disappprove entirely? Or is she going to suggest a nicer way to make this proposal. Whether he has indeed violated a social norm certainly matters. I am baffled to find there seems to be very different expectation even among the posters here. If we don't find out a common ground and the argument will go nowhere.

No matter who's right or who's wrong, it is still important to value her feeling and to empathize with her. This is fair enough. But her feeling has to relate to the issue on hand. If she just blow the top off over a trivial stuff, then the anger is disproportional to the issue. It is not that people don't want to empathize with her. But it is so much more difficult to empathize with something irrational.

What if I turn switch the roles and create another situation? _Wife is busy cooking. She just realize she has forgotten to pick up her dry clean. She ask hubby if he can make a run before the shop close at 6. Hubby is doing tax for his small business. He is totally outrage at her to even ask him to stop doing tax to run errand instead. Wife was taken by surprise. I just thought he could pick it up before the shop close, she thought, if he is busy he could have just tell me. Besides it isn't even near the tax filing deadline. It is two months away. The things is the anger doesn't go away. He is still mad at her at the dinner table. He is mad at her all day and even continue on to the next day..._​
If you are the wife, how could you handle this situation?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

We need to hear why he made the request before we can go on. 

As a mom, if my son were really tall and it would be uncomfortable for him to ride in the back because our car were small, I would volunteer to ride in the back. Nobody would have to ask me. I'm a mom afterall.

So what's the reason he asked?


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## Tootsiepop (Sep 7, 2009)

Blanca, I couldn't have said it better myself! 

It's not litteraly the "sitting in the back seat", it's just the "hair that broke the camel's back" . Bet this lady feels like hubby treats her like a second class citizen-the whole attitude thing might need an overhaul as she is tired of being treated this way. Not just a simple sorry for this specific incident, but a show of appreciation and respect all the time!


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

My Husband would NEVER ask something like that.... I come first always...Kids grow and start their own life...I am his life...
You did wrong...I agree...buy her a diamond...maybe a diamond Past , Present, and Future necklas...with the following card atached:

You my choice and always will be, today I messed up and left you down, I promise I will always respect you and keep you by my side...
You are my past, present and future...
I Love You

Doesn't that make more sense? After 30 years you both need to see each other for who you are...not just a piece of furniture....


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> Why did you ask her to sit in the back?


I'm waiting for the answer to this before I can answer.

I'm a guy and have a little boy that at this point in our lives I love, more than I do my Wife, we're buds and she's a jerk.

Just in my opinion and trying to be fair to both sides.

If you wanted to offer your son the more comfortable chair?
I would say, the disrespect would be in the not offering your wife the drivers seat and you take the back.

If you just wanted to have your son next to you because you wanted to be able to talk to him on the trip back home or what ever?
Then the disrespect would be in the fact that she would probably liked to have her son next to her to talk to in the drive and to be fair, son should have gone in the back and socializing left for when you arrive at you destination.

Is your wife (possibly) over reacting? 
That's a BIG 10-4 good buddy. 
Unfortunately she does have a reason to "react". The issue itself in not so much "the issue" but in the handling of the circumstances. 

She might have liked for you to ask her thoughts on the seating arrangement or explain your logic prior, instead of just asking her to sit in the back.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Definitely disrespectful. If your WIFE wanted to sit in the back she would have offered. Now, to hold on to her anger for two days is messed up...there is more going on here or she is just the type to old on to her anger


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