# Great Article! How to ruin your child's chance of a happy love life: Have an affair



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

How to ruin your child's chance of a happy love life: Have an affair - and the damage is WORSE the older they are when you stray

By Kate Figes 

For an explosive new book examining why infidelity has become so common in modern Britain, relationships expert Kate Figes spent three years talking to unfaithful spouses, psychologists and marriage counsellors.

Here, continuing our serialisation, she reveals the devastating and enduring effect that an affair can have on children...

Look around today and in many ways modern parents have never been so tuned into their children’s needs. They know that to thrive, children require enough sleep, additive-free food, and stimulation through the best educational toys, sports, music and after-school activities.

Yet, all too often, parents fail to provide what their offspring need most: a constructive and loving relationship between the only two parents a child will ever have. 

Over the past three years, I’ve interviewed experts and talked to dozens of men and women who have experienced (or are still having) affairs. What resonated most for me was the emotional fall-out on the young.

There’s something badly wrong with society when we put our entitlement to sexual stimulation and release above the needs of our children. If we then rush into a separation or divorce, we fail them at least as much as we fail ourselves. 

Jean Duncombe, a sociologist who has conducted extensive research on the subject, says: ‘I’m puritanical when someone tells me they’re having an affair — because of the work we’ve done on the impact of divorce on the children.

‘If people say to me that the children don’t know, I say: “Are you sure?” or “Think about what you’re doing to the children” — and I never would have said that 20 years ago.’

For parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they are often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring. (read the rest here)


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My dad had an affair my senior year in HS... and ultimately married his AP. I came home from school one day and he had moved in with the OW, who he is still his wife. While I know my parents had been miserable and that they are far better apart, I still struggle with his decisions. I have an odd tendency to trust strangers more than people I know... and I think that has something to do with the fact that strangers have no vested interest in me (and vice versa), but ppl close to me can hurt me. I am emotionally guarded, and many have tried to get in, but can't. I'm sure my jaded perception of love and marriage contributed to my selection in a partner, who turned out to be highly abusive. 

Right now, I'm somewhat lost on the ideology of love. It seems to me that people have lost touch with how to treat one another.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Children? A level 2 tier consideration from the "What About My Needs?" crowd.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> My dad had an affair my senior year in HS... and ultimately married his AP. I came home from school one day and he had moved in with the OW, who he is still his wife. While I know my parents had been miserable and that they are far better apart, I still struggle with his decisions. I have an odd tendency to trust strangers more than people I know... and I think that has something to do with the fact that strangers have no vested interest in me (and vice versa), but ppl close to me can hurt me. I am emotionally guarded, and many have tried to get in, but can't. I'm sure my jaded perception of love and marriage contributed to my selection in a partner, who turned out to be highly abusive.
> 
> Right now, I'm somewhat lost on the ideology of love. It seems to me that people have lost touch with how to treat one another.


On TAM we usually discuss the effects an affair has on the BS (understandably so) but when a spouse cheats they betray the WHOLE family not just their spouse. The children are left to deal with the damage inflicted by selfish parents.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I've posted these articles from Dr. Harley and his daughter Dr. Chalmers many times before, so I'll post them again to support and emphasize what this article suggests. They all work hand in hand, and to deny adultery's destruction on children (and that they will just adapt or are resilient) is nothing more than sacrificing your children's futures for your own selfish needs and desires.

Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

My WW's affairs didn't affect our children (yet) but my WW's parents' affairs affected her. She grew up thinking that cheating on your spouse when you aren't happy was just normal. Of course I didn't find any of this out until after d-day but it all makes since now. The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. Her mom's reaction to my wife's affair was "oh well, I knew it would happen sooner or later".:scratchhead:


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Our children were 4 and 8 when i had my short affair. They never knew...we kept it from them....and we never separated..so their continuity of "normalcy" was never interrupted.
> 
> I did tell our daughter...without great detail when she was 18....by then the affair was long past and we were 14 years into reconciliation. I am not quite sure at that point it had much impact.


Your affair was a one off, not a long going affair that ripped your family apart and ended in divorce. That's not what these articles are referring to, but it could've easily headed that way if you weren't who you were then and are now.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

No infidelity in my marriage but I can tell you as someone who had a father who couldn't keep it in his pants, the effects were devastating.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My son was 20 and I worry about this everyday from now on out as he keeps so much to himself. 

It has shocked me some of the things he has said, and how he has view things of the past. It all effected his jr year in university to the point that he is struggling to get into medical school now. 

He is now too a different kid than he was pre affair... 

-sammy


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Funny story - I posted this article on Facebook several months back in response to a conversation I was having with a friend whose wife was having an affair. 

Well, my ex-wife, who is blocked from my Facebook page, saw it and started slamming me on her page. Saying she was abused, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Yes, infidelity affects the children. Mine met "mama's friend from work" while he was still living with his wife and children. It is/was a confusing situation to them. As a result, they are closed off and don't know what they can and cannot talk about. Their mother involved them in her secret life. 

As a result, they'd often slip and mention him when telling me about their day. Sometimes they would backtrack and change the story to exclude him or just continue on with a look of regret.

I sat them down and told them, "I know about (OM) and that he is mom's boyfriend. I don't want you to feel that you are hurting either one of us by mentioning him or the things you do with him. I am your father and I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything."

They've been in therapy for about 3 months now. The therapist says that in her 21 years of experience, she has never seen kids so tight-lipped. Whether it's because their mom is coaching them to be quiet or some other reason is unknown.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: Great Article! How to ruin your child's chance of a happy love life: Have an*



Pepper123 said:


> My dad had an affair my senior year in HS... and ultimately married his AP. I came home from school one day and he had moved in with the OW, who he is still his wife. While I know my parents had been miserable and that they are far better apart, I still struggle with his decisions. I have an odd tendency to trust strangers more than people I know... and I think that has something to do with the fact that strangers have no vested interest in me (and vice versa), but ppl close to me can hurt me. I am emotionally guarded, and many have tried to get in, but can't. I'm sure my jaded perception of love and marriage contributed to my selection in a partner, who turned out to be highly abusive.



wow pepper that's almost identical to my childhood and my current jaded perception on love


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wow, such an eye opening article. Thanks for finding that. Will help me with my own siblings and my own problems. 


My siblings and I are having our own problems. 
My father placed me in the middle of the divorce, (and he was having an affair) and I stupidly went along with it. 
That strained relationships with both my parents. 
After several fist fights, and my dumb decision to be his best man in his wedding, my dad and I are no longer on speaking terms. He still gets along with my sister just fine, and spoils her. Leaving mom to be the enforcer, so my sister is resenting mom. 

My mom, likely angry that I choose to be his best man, has been treating me like the unwanted step child, and showers all her love on my brother. Annoyingly when he misbehaves, she can't discipline him, that duty falls on me. So he and I are having a strained a relationship. 

As for me, I would probably be branded a mental case. 
I started drinking on the weekends after my dad's wedding, feeling am emptiness inside me. Then, that wasn't enough, so I would drink a bit during the week. Now, I drink every day. Usually start at dinner, but some days...not always that easy.
Also very distrusting of people in general. Even my managers notice I get defensive when they ask basic questions like will I be available for July 4, or stuff like that. I tend to feel that most people see me as an means to an end, so I don't like talking to people. At least here, I don't have to worry about that. 
And in May, during my finals of all times, I started having these annoying memories pop up out of the blue. In class, during one of my finals, when I just walking through the front door, and it is driving me insane.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I wish more WS would read this article and the comments and realize the extent of the damage they have done and what it cost not only their spouse but their ENTIRE family. 

I hope more TAMers will share their stories here - the more we learn about the full effects of cheating the better off we will be.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Wow, such an eye opening article. Thanks for finding that. Will help me with my own siblings and my own problems.
> 
> 
> My siblings and I are having our own problems.
> ...



So unfair... don't live like this. I have already told my son,((24)) please don't blame himself for his fathers poor, poor actions, and the fallout of it all. You should not either. 

You didn't create the mess, you simply are apart of their mess, you were only a young man. Go to your mom, talk to her, tell her how you hurt, tell her how you know she hurts, tell her you know it's all so fvcked up. Tell her your so sorry for her pain.

It affects us all, just talk to her... don't carry it with you, or at least make peace with it, if I'm reading correctly, your much to young to start a life carrying this on your shoulders, and if you have been carrying it, now may be the time to let it go. 

-sammy


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

My husband's second affair happened while I was pregnant with our second and our first was 2. The affair has messed with me, which I think, has affected them. It's my fault. I had a difficult time dealing with all of it and I became depressed and very angry. While I didn't take it out on my children, I did shut down for a while. I didn't want to play, I rarely laughed, I was more annoyed at small things...

I just wasn't myself. My son definitely picked up on that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No infidelity in our divorce, but staying too long in a bad marriage provided some dysfunctional behavioral examples to my son, who is dealing (successfully, thankfully!) with not following our example in his own life and relationships.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> My husband's second affair happened while I was pregnant with our second and our first was 2. The affair has messed with me, which I think, has affected them. It's my fault. I had a difficult time dealing with all of it and I became depressed and very angry. While I didn't take it out on my children, I did shut down for a while. I didn't want to play, I rarely laughed, I was more annoyed at small things...
> 
> I just wasn't myself. My son definitely picked up on that.


It's his fault not yours. He did this to the family.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> My husband's second affair happened while I was pregnant with our second and our first was 2. The affair has messed with me, which I think, has affected them. It's my fault. I had a difficult time dealing with all of it and I became depressed and very angry. While I didn't take it out on my children, I did shut down for a while. I didn't want to play, I rarely laughed, I was more annoyed at small things...
> 
> I just wasn't myself. My son definitely picked up on that.


No it wasnt your fault!!!! It was that husband that tries to calls himself a man !!! Two affairs??? I think not, take those two beautiful children, tell hubby to stuff it where the ow would like it cause you're gotta find yourself a true decent man.

-sammy


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

As a child of parents that separated, it devastated me and affected me permanently. I now sacrifice myself in relationships to keep the peace and that has a very negative affect on my well being.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Wow, such an eye opening article. Thanks for finding that. Will help me with my own siblings and my own problems.
> 
> 
> My siblings and I are having our own problems.
> ...


Broken are you in counseling?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

poida said:


> As a child of parents that separated, it devastated me and affected me permanently. I now sacrifice myself in relationships to keep the peace and that has a very negative affect on my well being.


Absolutely - the separation damaged your sense of security which you never recovered.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

My dad cheated (serial cheater) and it made me believe that everyone cheats. I grew up with insecurity and always walked out when a relationship became too serious. But then i met my ex and he convinced me to break the walls so to speak, we broke up because he doesn't want kids but the relationship restored my faith in love. Then i met my husband, got the kids we want with gorgeous house but still he cheated. FML


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> My dad cheated (serial cheater) and it made me believe that everyone cheats. I grew up with insecurity and always walked out when a relationship became too serious. But then i met my ex and he convinced me to break the walls so to speak, we broke up because he doesn't want kids but the relationship restored my faith in love. Then i met my husband, got the kids we want with gorgeous house but still he cheated. FML


Wow..I'm so sorry for your situation. A parent cheating in many cases must distort the child's view of love and what is to be expected from a spouse. Are you in R with your husband?


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

More like arrangement than R, i told him that i don't love him, it didn't mean to hurt him but solely for the truth. He changed toward better directions a lot, said willing to do everything to keep our family together but i think it's a goner. I've been trying to love the new him and move on from his affair (he's very remorseful) but it's like beating a dead horse,the more i try the more i feel resentment for myself. You really can't push love can you ?

I know i have to make decision soon, to D or finally put both feet in R but i'm leaning towards D day after day


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> More like arrangement than R, i told him that i don't love him, it didn't mean to hurt him but solely for the truth. He changed toward better directions a lot, said willing to do everything to keep our family together but i think it's a goner. *I've been trying to love the new him and move on from his affair (he's very remorseful) but it's like beating a dead horse,the more i try the more i feel resentment for myself. You really can't push love can you ?
> *
> I know i have to make decision soon, to D or finally put both feet in R but i'm leaning towards D day after day


For some cheating is a deal breaker no matter how remorseful the cheater is. Are you in counseling for yourself to help with your decision?


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

My dad was a notorious womanizer who was older than my mom. He married her in an attempt to settle down and please his parents. He was a petroleum geologist and picked up a nasty coke habit while working at his last job. In a matter of months he destroyed his life. His secretary was a dealer and he left my pregnant mother and me for her. Before he left, he spent all the money, ran up debt and stuck my mom with a big mortgage. She dropped out of college to have me on the agreement that she would go back to school later and had no job outside the home. The drugs made him erratic and combative which was terrifying- one of my earliest memories is of him screaming at my mother like a madman while my infant brother and I wailed. Once it got physical between them and I had to escape by crawling away under the dining room table as quietly as I could.

After the divorce, I was dutifully sent to his house once a week for 'visitation'. Have you ever been on a double date with your ex and their POSAP? Get to watch them be lovely dovey while your choke back a broken heart? 'Visitation' with an addicted narcissist deep in the fog is exactly like that. He ignored me most of the time and left me to play with his new wife's horrid and sadistic little daughter who despised me for encroaching on her new daddy. She....abused me. All the time. She would say things like 'your daddy wanted a white family and now he is my daddy' then slap me when I started crying. He would make it a point to treat us the same, even giving us the exact same toys which confirmed for me that I was not special to him anymore nor loved.

I was only 4 and I could not advocate for myself. The courts said go, so I went. At this point my mom started taking Valium along with other pills and she has never stopped. She was unable to demonstrate empathy or affection towards me and since there were no trustworthy adults around for me I had no choice but to grow up as fast as I could. The day my father blew his head off was the last day I ever felt safe as a child. My mom crumbled even further and in a lot of ways I lost both parents when he died. As an extra cruel twist, my beloved kitty was run over the same day my sad died. I am so lucky I was born in a time where I have been able to get good quality help in sorting all of this out. What I went through could have ruined more than my childhood, and even though I have a great life now I sure wish my dad could have pulled his head out of his ass long enough to see that he was doing to his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

StayInIt said:


> My dad was a notorious womanizer who was older than my mom. He married her in an attempt to settle down and please his parents. He was a petroleum geologist and picked up a nasty coke habit while working at his last job. In a matter of months he destroyed his life. His secretary was a dealer and he left my pregnant mother and me for her. Before he left, he spent all the money, ran up debt and stuck my mom with a big mortgage. She dropped out of college to have me on the agreement that she would go back to school later and had no job outside the home. The drugs made him erratic and combative which was terrifying- one of my earliest memories is of him screaming at my mother like a madman while my infant brother and I wailed. Once it got physical between them and I had to escape by crawling away under the dining room table as quietly as I could.
> 
> After the divorce, I was dutifully sent to his house once a week for 'visitation'. Have you ever been on a double date with your ex and their POSAP? Get to watch them be lovely dovey while your choke back a broken heart? 'Visitation' with an addicted narcissist deep in the fog is exactly like that. He ignored me most of the time and left me to play with his new wife's horrid and sadistic little daughter who despised me for encroaching on her new daddy. She....abused me. All the time. She would say things like 'your daddy wanted a white family and now he is my daddy' then slap me when I started crying. He would make it a point to treat us the same, even giving us the exact same toys which confirmed for me that I was not special to him anymore nor loved.
> 
> ...


So often parents do not consider their children when they are making selfish choices...I'm very sorry you had to go through that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Wow, such an eye opening article. Thanks for finding that. Will help me with my own siblings and my own problems.
> 
> 
> My siblings and I are having our own problems.
> ...


Hey Broke, how are things going?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Of course affairs are going to affect children. That's breaking up their parents, their family.

I can't believe there are people who actually think an affair doesn't affect a child.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Of course affairs are going to affect children. That's breaking up their parents, their family.
> 
> I can't believe there are people who actually think an affair doesn't affect a child.


:iagree::iagree: Agreed but cheaters tend to think of one person themselves and their "feelings".


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Truthseeker

*That was a very good article that you posted!!*

I think that the reason that you do not get hundreds of responses to this thread is that it is so very sensitive. I think that any person with some decency that reads this and is responsible in some way for damaging children will be devastated by the truths. However, if this article will help with prevention or recovering then the pain of reading it should be mandatory.

I am going to comment on the recovering portion of the article that is reprinted below:




> Yes, but only in cases where parents behave responsibly, putting their children’s interests first. All the research shows that several specific things need to happen if they’re to stand a hope of recovering quickly.
> 
> First, if there are marital arguments, parents must never descend into aggression and character assassination.
> Instead, children need to see that their father and mother can argue their corner, respect the other’s right to have another opinion, talk about the impact of their behavior and resolve to work on their differences.
> ...



In my case most of the damages listed on the article happened amongst my three children. One was 6 and the others were teenagers. However by doing most of what is listed above for YEARS and YEARS the damages have been overcome for the most part.

That is why if you read my posts regarding R they have a lot of mention of forgiveness and improving yourself in many areas.
A short summary on my situation goes like this:

We were in our 30s and had a good life; normal squabbles but nothing real serious. She had the usual women issues of over weight and sometimes low-self esteem which seems to me somewhat the results of an alcoholic father and a troubled childhood home life. I could have been a better husband but I was pretty good and am not at all to blame for the affair.
She went to Night College to finish her degree and I fully supported that as I took care of the children while she was way at school. She worked at the school and they made it mandatory for her education in order to keep her job. Of course there was a married man there that used his flattery and she knew better but took the bait. Eventually the affair got into high gear and other things started happening. She came home and told me than she was getting involved emotionally with the OM and of course I panicked and tried to fix everything and went to counseling, dates, out of town trips, and gave her a lot of attention. She tried to break it off but did not so I divorced her but she stayed home and never stayed overnight anywhere but at our home. I thought that she would break it off a maybe she tried but the bottom line is she did not.

When she informed me one morning, 11 months after the EA, that she was going to move into his apartment, that did it; I made her tell the children. She did not want to tell the children and started beating me on the chest saying that she did not want to do that. I finally backhanded her across the face and she stopped beating my chest and she knew that she had to tell them.

When she told them it was a shocking. My oldest son just dropped his head and would not look up. Latter a friend brought my oldest son home as he did not gone to school but was walking the streets crying. Yes a 6 foot 17 year old strong boy just crying uncontrollability in the streets. My daughter went ballistic and ran out of the house screaming and saying some pretty nasty things about her mother. All this affected my little son who was 6 yard old but I cannot write this part, because it is us too painful for me to put again on paper.

My wife left but came back that night completely devastated and full of fear. My oldest son was desperate and wanted me to take her back. I took her in but things changed and our relationship was severely damaged. When I took her back my daughter left and went to live with sister; she was very pissed and would not even be in the same house as her mother.

I continued to work on myself to get my self improved in many areas. I did this for many reasons and one was that I was scared at what had happened to my children. Another one was that I was determined to try and have a good life with or without her.

I and my wife did a lot of what is listed above in the article to recover. We seem to take a few steps forward then one or two backwards for years. I watched her for over 4 years to see if she was truly remorseful. She would cry often because I was distant and she had hurt our children and herself. However, she had to pay the natural consequences that could not be avoided and I did not force those consequences on her other than the divorce. For a few reasons I did remarry her after 4 years and one of the main reasons was my children's well being.

Now after 4 years we all lived happily ever after NOT!!!

My children suffered many of those consequences that TruthSeeker’s article stated for years. Often my wife would go into a little depression when she saw our children’s life’s being damaged by their actions and would think that it was all because of her. I do think that some it was because of her and I even would question me as I knew of some of the mistakes that I made as a father. I immediately became much more affectionate with my children even though they were older. I continued to keep trying to improve myself body, mind, and spirit. I went back to college and finished my degree at the community college, got closer to all my other family members, and started paying attention to my faith. I even lost a lot of weight and was in better shape than I had been in years.

Now I am not going to put all the blame of my children’s problems on my wife or me; some of the mistakes they made as adult’s were mostly on them. *I have watched my three children for over 25 years and I can tell you that NOW they all three have a good life and are very good,close to us, and loving people*. They have some problems like most people but at their core they are contented and loving most of the time. We are now a very close family. *I am very grateful and relieved and thank God that my chidden have not experienced the most devastating consequences that I have seen in others*. They have suffered some consequences and they suffered for a long time but the consequences were not permanent. 

Part of the reason that they do not suffer permanetly from my wife’s mistakes and my mistakes is that we both did want the best for them and was willing to sacrifice some and do some work. *That is why this article is interesting because it is very accurate in the damage and the methods of recovery.*

This article and the other linked article on this thread hopefully will be taken serous, by those that have not betrayed their family for their own selfishness, in odder to avoid such frightening consequences. In addition, if you have already betrayed your spouse and children* I am proof that in time with you both doing the right thing that your children can wind up contented, close, and loving*. The devastating damage does not have to be permanent but you have to get the right help and do the right things for YEARS and YEARS!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thank you so much for sharing Mr. Blunt. I thought this article would help to bring focus on an often neglected subject on TAM - the children. We see too many remorseless cheaters and I often wonder what is that doing to the poor children - we see what it does to the BS but rarely the children. I can think of 8 children of cheating parents off the top of my head that I know well - 5 have gone on to cheat themselves. They were all really damaged by their parents affairs. Sad all around.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Broken are you in counseling?


What?! No. 
I am 22. I shouldn't need counseling. That is for people that have a marriage. And other problems. 
And mostly because I have no idea where/how I would work an hour of counseling into my schedule. Nor would I really have the desire to go. 



Truthseeker1 said:


> Hey Broke, how are things going?


Friends keep saying I need to quit drinking so much. None of them really know why I drink. 
Working 50+ hour weeks. Keeps me busy. And out of trouble. And sober 50+ hours of the week. 

What else...oh, for my birthday, my dad and mom both wished me happy birthday. And that was it! That was more than I was expecting from either of them!
And that is pretty much all I remember of my birthday! I think I went to a bar with my friends...or maybe it was Lukas Liquors...

So you know. Like any typical college-aged senior in business school. Drowning in alcohol, hanging with the bro's, and parties all the time, and all that fun stuff.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> What?! No.
> *I am 22. I shouldn't need counseling.* That is for people that have a marriage. And other problems.
> And mostly because I have no idea where/how I would work an hour of counseling into my schedule. Nor would I really have the desire to go.
> 
> ...


Age does not matter in regards to counseling. I think it could help you work through the very complicated situation you find yourself in.

Drinking will help nothing and only make your problems worse. Perhaps the drinking is a form of self-medication? You really should talk to someone to help you sort this all out.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Yes, Sammy, we are all different than we were pre-affair. Sad but true.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

OMG, Broken, it is SOOO unhelpful to drink to try to drown your problems! I feel so bad for you! I have a friend who did that when her husband left her, and it didn't solve a damn thing. Please don't destroy your life with alcohol, or any other numbing substance. The things that happened to you in your life are not your fault, and even if they were, you can still over come them. We are all just failed humans, including our parents, and if we see this, we can move onward, and try to salvage the good stuff, and find some contentment with who we are, despite what has happened. Get away from your drinking friends, realize that there is a whole universe out there to discover, and it won't be found with alcohol! I hope you find some answers on this site, I know for me it is better than a therapist, to know we are all connected and in pain and can help each other. I wish you the best.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

JWTBL said:


> OMG, *Broken, it is SOOO unhelpful to drink to try to drown your problems! I feel so bad for you! I have a friend who did that when her husband left her, and it didn't solve a damn thing. Please don't destroy your life with alcohol, or any other numbing substance. The things that happened to you in your life are not your fault*, and even if they were, you can still over come them. We are all just failed humans, including our parents, and if we see this, we can move onward, and try to salvage the good stuff, and find some contentment with who we are, despite what has happened. Get away from your drinking friends, realize that there is a whole universe out there to discover, and it won't be found with alcohol! I hope you find some answers on this site, I know for me it is better than a therapist, to know we are all connected and in pain and can help each other. I wish you the best.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: 

It is not your fault broken - it is your fathers fault for cheating. Don't destroy your life because he destroyed his family.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I hope other TAMers would share their stories about the effects of infidelity on the kids and how they dealt with it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Age does not matter in regards to counseling. I think it could help you work through the very complicated situation you find yourself in.
> 
> Drinking will help nothing and only make your problems worse. Perhaps the drinking is a form of self-medication? You really should talk to someone to help you sort this all out.


Self-medication usually revolves around the idea of medicine. Alcohol isn't medicine. 
It is like liquid happy pills. 

And I talk to my bartender. I got several. They all provide different view points, and helpful insights. 
Depending on how much I tip...



JWTBL said:


> OMG, Broken, it is SOOO unhelpful to drink to try to drown your problems! I feel so bad for you! I have a friend who did that when her husband left her, and it didn't solve a damn thing. Please don't destroy your life with alcohol, or any other numbing substance. The things that happened to you in your life are not your fault, and even if they were, you can still over come them. We are all just failed humans, including our parents, and if we see this, we can move onward, and try to salvage the good stuff, and find some contentment with who we are, despite what has happened. Get away from your drinking friends, realize that there is a whole universe out there to discover, and it won't be found with alcohol! I hope you find some answers on this site, I know for me it is better than a therapist, to know we are all connected and in pain and can help each other. I wish you the best.


My friends don't always I drink. I do. 
Besides, it is my fault what is happening. 



Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> It is not your fault broken - it is your fathers fault for cheating. Don't destroy your life because he destroyed his family.


It is my fault. 
Not the destruction of a family. 
But my reaction. And now the treatment of my family towards me now, is my fault. 

The unwanted stepchild. A parasite. Something that no one wants. 



I doubt, truthseeker, you'll get other people to respond to this question. Because most people don't want to admit to it. 
No WS wants to admit to destroying their children. Just like no BS likes to admit not taking care of their children produced by their marriage. 

Anyway, happy birthday to me. 
Bottoms up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Self-medication usually revolves around the idea of medicine. Alcohol isn't medicine.
> It is like liquid happy pills.
> 
> And I talk to my bartender. I got several. They all provide different view points, and helpful insights.
> ...



I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. Bartenders are no substitute for trained professionals to help you sort through this. This is not your mess it is your parents mess. You should not have ot help clean it up.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mine are still dealing with it over two out from separation and waiting for the finalities of the divorce / financial settlements and what they (nearly11 and 12) understand from all of this is that their mother lies for fun about everything, about things she doesn't even need to lie about. They realize now some people, even your mother, will always lie and that it's second nature for her to do so.

Sadly they have little respect for her. They love her of course but their respect for her is almost zero

But, I feel once my kids have their own first love entanglement and get hurt by their first boyfriend / girl friend which they inevitably will , then they will understand the pain she has cause us all even more more fully.

I have a string feeling when that day arrives their relationship with their mother will dip drastically as they feel the full force of the power of emotional contact.

Do I expect all this to color their views on how a relationship should work ? . Of course . I'll always try to keep the 'honesty and trust is everything' line but as we know you can only tell your kids so much, they have to find out a lot of it for themselves


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Mine are still dealing with it over two out from separation and waiting for the finalities of the divorce / financial settlements and what they (nearly11 and 12) understand from all of this is that their mother lies for fun about everything, about things she doesn't even need to lie about. They realize now some people, even your mother, will always lie and that it's second nature for her to do so.
> 
> Sadly they have little respect for her. They love her of course but their respect for her is almost zero
> 
> ...


Wow that is a sad story - are the kids in counseling? I'm not surprise their respect for her took a hit - when a parent blows up your family how do you keep your respect for them ?


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

I think it needs to be said, that it's shi77y marriages that affect children, not just the smaller category of "shi77y marriages that experience infidelity." I never really saw my parents display a sustained period of a loving marriage. Most of my memories are of fights, screaming. They separated twice: once I was very young, maybe 5 or 6, I think, my mom, my sister and I moved into an apartment. When I was about 10, again, but this time we moved in with this man I knew to be a coworker of my mom's. I don't know what I thought of it at the time, I don't think I did, really. I don't even remember the mechanics of how we moved back. My best word to describe the next ~8 years or so, is "apathy." My parents didn't do anything together, they had no shared activities or interests. My dad worked a professional job that required various stints of travel, my mom worked in a school. I had sports year-round that were my focus. My sister and I did not get along great, but it got a little better as we became teenagers. The four of us were not a tight family at all, on the whole.

When I was a freshman in college, I got a letter from my dad, on behalf of both my parents, saying they were getting divorced. I was away, only coming home on breaks. My sister was also away, but she tended to stay there even on breaks. I would live with my mom when I was home, and see my dad pretty often (still, around his work schedule and my sports). I noticed a change in my dad, he definitely had a weight lifted off him. My mom, however, was pretty hurt, I was frequently the shoulder she cried on over "what he did to me." My dad began dating a woman, maybe a year later, someone he'd actually known since he was a kid, and I had known her for a long time as well (she was related, by marriage, to my cousins). I never thought, and still don't think, she had anything to do with my parents' divorce. They married a couple years later, and remained so for almost 20 years, until my dad passed this spring. He was a different person with her, which has to do with lots of things, his stages of life, his responsibilities, etc..., not simply who he was married to. My mom remains unmarried, and to my knowledge, hasn't even had a relationship with another man, to speak of, since she's been divorced.

My long-winded point is, examples of how NOT to relate to people, be it in a professional, friendly, or romantic relationship, are many, and every single one can set an example for children (good or bad). I have no doubts that very visible, and/or very deceitful, infidelity probably does so in a unique way, with its own nuances, but I feel confident in saying, the real problem, and real "bad example" being set, started long before that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

changedbeliefs;9749018[B said:


> *]I think it needs to be said, that it's shi77y marriages that affect children, not just the smaller category of "shi77y marriages that experience infidelity."*[/B] I never really saw my parents display a sustained period of a loving marriage. Most of my memories are of fights, screaming. They separated twice: once I was very young, maybe 5 or 6, I think, my mom, my sister and I moved into an apartment. When I was about 10, again, but this time we moved in with this man I knew to be a coworker of my mom's. I don't know what I thought of it at the time, I don't think I did, really. I don't even remember the mechanics of how we moved back. My best word to describe the next ~8 years or so, is "apathy." My parents didn't do anything together, they had no shared activities or interests. My dad worked a professional job that required various stints of travel, my mom worked in a school. I had sports year-round that were my focus. My sister and I did not get along great, but it got a little better as we became teenagers. The four of us were not a tight family at all, on the whole.
> 
> When I was a freshman in college, I got a letter from my dad, on behalf of both my parents, saying they were getting divorced. I was away, only coming home on breaks. My sister was also away, but she tended to stay there even on breaks. I would live with my mom when I was home, and see my dad pretty often (still, around his work schedule and my sports). I noticed a change in my dad, he definitely had a weight lifted off him. My mom, however, was pretty hurt, I was frequently the shoulder she cried on over "what he did to me." My dad began dating a woman, maybe a year later, someone he'd actually known since he was a kid, and I had known her for a long time as well (she was related, by marriage, to my cousins). I never thought, and still don't think, she had anything to do with my parents' divorce. They married a couple years later, and remained so for almost 20 years, until my dad passed this spring. He was a different person with her, which has to do with lots of things, his stages of life, his responsibilities, etc..., not simply who he was married to. My mom remains unmarried, and to my knowledge, hasn't even had a relationship with another man, to speak of, since she's been divorced.
> 
> My long-winded point is, examples of how NOT to relate to people, be it in a professional, friendly, or romantic relationship, are many, and every single one can set an example for children (good or bad). *I have no doubts that very visible, and/or very deceitful, infidelity probably does so in a unique way, with its own nuances*, but I feel confident in saying, the real problem, and real "bad example" being set, started long before that.


:iagree: Iagree with the two bolded statments. Parents can damage their kids in more than one way but infidelity seems to be a particularly harsh way to do it. What was you rrelationship like with your parents after the divorce?Did it get better or worse?


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