# The Lies



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

The one consistency I keep seeing on almost ALL of these threads is the lies. The continued denials in the face of evidence. We want to believe our spouses, but trust needs to be taken with a huge grain of caution. Cheaters all lie, and they all lie the same. They change their story consistently. Lie by omission. Some spouses only have their gut, circumstantial evidence and excessive secrecy from their spouse to go on (me, for instance). It makes us want to believe the lies. Many of us do. I wasted so much productive time fixing and healing because I wanted to believe the lies. 

First look at the evidence. Then listen to your gut. Then listen to the advice of others. The words of your cheating spouse come last.

I hate that she looked me in the eye and continued the lies.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

I've only been going through this for 5 months, but it has amazed me how many times she's lied and I just KNEW something was wrong. More often than not, when the truth finally comes out, my gut has been right.

Its a terrible thing to think that you may have to end your marriage based on circumstantial evidence. But its also terrible that we are put in a position of constant doubt and worry in the first place.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

The way they ALL lie in the same pattern. Read every thread. They are all the same:

1 - Spouse confronts potential cheater. Cheater lies. 
2 - Spouse proves lie. Cheater denies/changes story to match new reality. No admission of guilt.
3 - Repeat number 1 and 2 as many times as necessary.
4 - Cheater runs out of lies, can't deny lying any longer. Blames lies on Spouse. Only lied because Spouse wouldn't understand how innocent their behavior is. Spouces jealous mind forced cheater to lie over otherwise "innocent" behavior. 

EVERY FLIPPIN' ONE!! And when the mea-culpa finally comes, the spouse forced them to CHEAT also. It's always our fault.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

My version was as follows:
Spouse acts suspicious
I find evidence
She admits something is wrong
Lies about truth to pacify
Gets caught lying on multiple levels
Claims the EA is not the "problem"
Claims she has been unhappy for a long time
Claims she didn't want to hurt me
Then:
Says she is "Done"

12 year relationship down the tubes in 2 months
House goes on the market this week
I am hoping she will come around before it's to late
Unreal!


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## Otter88 (Oct 7, 2009)

It isn't just the lies.

It is the denial. 

A spouse who is cheating does not want to believe they are cheating, so they deny.

A spouse who is being cheated on does not want to believe they are being cheated on, they are in denial of the possibility and make allowances to enable the cheating spouse to continue until it just can no longer be denied.

It takes three for an affair to happen and continue.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Otter88 said:


> A spouse who is being cheated on does not want to believe they are being cheated on, they are in denial of the possibility and make allowances to enable the cheating spouse to continue until it just can no longer be denied.
> 
> It takes three for an affair to happen and continue.


So true. I let my wife continue. But the "blame" isn't spread evenly.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My personal "favorite" lie that my cheating wife told me is the one she told when she said she was just going for coffee with a friend. 

I was suspicious enough about this to actually get her to swear on her personal Bible given to her by her dad, that nothing was going on. It was just a friend.

She swore on the Bible that she was not cheating, not going to cheat. I figure she was in his bed inside the hour.

I cannot comprehend the level of deception necessary to do that.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Roundtable said:


> My version was as follows:
> Spouse acts suspicious
> I find evidence
> She admits something is wrong
> ...


You and I could be the same guy! Except I am not at the point of selling the house....although it won't be long I'm afraid.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Otter88 said:


> A spouse who is cheating does not want to believe they are cheating, so they deny.


Yup. They are basically lieing to themselves because they are too ashamed to admit it. While cheating is amazingly horribly bad, some people do get stuck in the weirdest situations, become unhappy, don't have the guts to tell their spouse, end up cheating, which makes them amazingly ashamed of themselves, which makes them not want to believe themselves that they did it...so denial...and lies.

And yes, one-night stands are a story. But when it comes to affairs (lasting over 1 week or so) it takes three to build the situation.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm a bit uncomfortable with the posts that imply the cheated upon spouse ("cheatee") is in any way to blame. Yes, I denied it and allowed it to go on. But my, and any other "cheatee's" role is DRAMATICALLY different than that of the cheater and their mates.

My problem is going to be the cheaters denial. The infidelity was not physical, so denial will be MUCH stronger. It took me a month on this board to understand that her behavior was a type of EA and dramatically inappropriate.  She's not going to accept it just by me saying it is. Hell. I wasn't even THERE so how could I POSSIBLY know?

I'm still in for a long ride. And my problem is middle school stuff campared to all of yours.

And the lies wil continue. Evidence be damned.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

michzz said:


> My personal "favorite" lie that my cheating wife told me is the one she told when she said she was just going for coffee with a friend.
> 
> I was suspicious enough about this to actually get her to swear on her personal Bible given to her by her dad, that nothing was going on. It was just a friend.
> 
> ...


No wonder you're so angry. That's bad (but a heck of a story for this thread).


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Well I guess I can be the one exception to the rule..the only reason I found out was because my husband thought he had done something illegal and expected the cops to show up and arrest him any minute!

Well it turns out he didn't and they never did and I'm sure he regrets telling me to this day. I had my head buried so far under the sand that even though I noticed strange things going on with him, I would always just dismiss it and think that he must have a good reason for it all the while bragging about how wonderful my husband was and what a great marriage I had.

What a stupid moron I was!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Favorite lie; Conveniently during the fight she got a “Dear Jane” text from the EA partner. She showed me it to prove it was all over. What she didn’t know is that I had access to online billing and records, and later that evening and all the next day she and him continued to chat with him like nothing had changed. It was staged.

To me, the vast amount of deceptions, omissions, and cover-ups are more damaging than the affair itself. Hard to put in words, but knowing the EA partner fully understood the problems he was causing is distressing too... It’s not like she was deceiving both of us, it was just me. He knew he was undermining our relationship and was a willing accomplice.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

I actually called my wife's EA the night I confronted her. I killed him with kindness and asked how he slept at night knowing he was participating in potentialy breaking up a marriage and family. He said things like "I thought this call would be coming sooner or later" & "in the beginning we were just friends" & "i never meant for this to happen, you know what, actually I don't care". Then he actually threatened me.
The capper was I found out later that night that my wife called him and apoligized to him for me calling him. I was doing what she couldn't, and defending my wife, marriage & family. I was so ****** pissed she did that. Her head is up her own *** right now.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

I was scolded for making a fool of myself when I called her "friend." I was very rude. But it didn't do a damn thing except give us something else to argue about.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

One of my favorites. Sorry it's a little long:

On one of her bar-hopping spree's, she ended up at a bar w/ a band. She partied with the band all night, then when it was time to leave, she was so caught up in the moment that they (amazingly) exchanged phone numbers so she could be at one of their next gigs. When the guy called her to set up the date (and I answered), she expalined that she thought I would like the band. She did it for ME. How do they come up with this? And on the fly!

No mention that up until that moment, party nights had always been "girls only", NO HUSBANDS ALLOWED! No exceptions. And the last time I had gone out to see a local bar cover band was...never. And OF COURSE we'll use one of our almost nonexistent nights out together, including hiring a babysitter, all so we can see your new pals band. Right.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

This is what kills me.

My husband came forward with all the information. He told me that his old high school girlfriend had contacted him and that they had talked multiple times. He also told me that he knew he needed to stop talking to her because it would only lead to trouble as has all those "first love" feelings/memories/etc. still about her. 

Until that point, I had no reason not to believe that he would cut it off as he promised. 

Less than a month later he came home and told me he had screwed up and destroyed our marriage. He actually came home from having sex with her and told me. After crying, screaming and fighting most of that night, I really thought I could at least give him a chance because he had been truthful. 

The lies didn't start until AFTER he told me. How messed up is that? He told me he cut off contact, multiple times- he didn't. Not for a couple months. He told me he wanted our marriage to work when in reality he wasn't sure what he wanted.

It wasn't until I had proof that they were still in contact that I asked him to leave and he knew our marriage would be over that I really started to see change. But even know, when things are getting better, I have this side of me that questions EVERYTHING he says and wonders if it's another lie. 

I HATE that he has made me doubt everything I ever believed about our marriage.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

iwillsurvive,
I feel your pain. I am in a mess with my marriage. Wife in an EA. Says marriage is over. I want to try and ride it out and she if she comes around, but I fear if it goes that way I may never trust her again, and always wonder if she is secretly in contact with him. Good luck.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

cody5 said:


> The one consistency I keep seeing on almost ALL of these threads is the lies. The continued denials in the face of evidence. We want to believe our spouses, but trust needs to be taken with a huge grain of caution. Cheaters all lie, and they all lie the same. They change their story consistently. Lie by omission. Some spouses only have their gut, circumstantial evidence and excessive secrecy from their spouse to go on (me, for instance). It makes us want to believe the lies. Many of us do. I wasted so much productive time fixing and healing because I wanted to believe the lies.
> 
> First look at the evidence. Then listen to your gut. Then listen to the advice of others. The words of your cheating spouse come last.
> 
> I hate that she looked me in the eye and continued the lies.


What's funny about mine is that she prepped for the lie.

When she got home from her partying that night, she was WAY out of character. Telling me where she went. How she liked that band. Next day she said I may like them too and we should go. She NEVER used to say ANYTHING about her nights out. NEVER! NOTHING! Always a secret. And suddenly she's not only talking, but wants to include me? But of course, naive spouse. I thought she may be starting to change. 

Then the call comes in a week later, and as soon as she claimed she was setting up a date for US, I realized what happened. "That's the band I was telling you about". She knew that call was coming, and that I may be home when it did, and started preparing the lie as soon as she got home that night.

Later conversations (fights) revealed that once she gave out her (MY) phone number to this guy, her friend (partner in crime) asked her if she was crazy. She claimed it happened so fast she wasn't thinking and realized it was stupid as soon as she did it (for safety reasons, of course. It's still all innocent dancing. Middle school sock-hop stuff). 

Again. Story changes slightly as reality changes. Denial in the face of evidence...


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Isn't it sad that out of all the focused topics on this website, the infidelity one has the most posts and the most views?

They say misery loves company but seeing how many people have been lied to over and over again by someone who promised to love them and put them first, is really depressing.

I'm starting to wonder if there actually IS such a thing as a marriage where the partners trust each other and don't lie to each other, or if there are just marriages that haven't gotten to that point yet.

Ack! I'm depressing myself now! I'll keep hoping...


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## mr.niceguy (Oct 17, 2009)

cody5 said:


> The way they ALL lie in the same pattern. Read every thread. They are all the same:
> 
> 1 - Spouse confronts potential cheater. Cheater lies.
> 2 - Spouse proves lie. Cheater denies/changes story to match new reality. No admission of guilt.
> ...


:iagree:

It took me over time 3 years to get all the truth I know so far and now there is no trust but a newborn that we both love.

Even after being pregnant with my son my wife continued her emotional affair for 6 months and that last 6 months is where the most damage was caused.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Roundtable said:


> I actually called my wife's EA the night I confronted her. I killed him with kindness and asked how he slept at night knowing he was participating in potentialy breaking up a marriage and family. He said things like "I thought this call would be coming sooner or later" & "in the beginning we were just friends" & "i never meant for this to happen, you know what, actually I don't care". Then he actually threatened me.
> The capper was I found out later that night that my wife called him and apoligized to him for me calling him. I was doing what she couldn't, and defending my wife, marriage & family. I was so ****** pissed she did that. Her head is up her own *** right now.


My husband did the same thing (called the other woman to apologize for "getting her involved in the whole mess")
The woman slept with my husband once or twice a week for a year and a half. She & I knew each other. She was fully aware of what she was doing. She had a husband and 3 children at home. And he wanted to apologize to her.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Otter88 said:


> It takes three for an affair to happen and continue.


I played no part in the year and a half my husband spent cheating. I was floored, absolutely astounded when I found out... one of the hardest things to accept for me was that I never had a clue. 

I will *never* accept the idea that it was my fault. Yes, we had lots of problems in our marriage. The way *he* chose to deal with our problems was by finding a tramp to sleep with. *I* didn't make that decision, nor was I aware that he had.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You did nothing wrong, Lori.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Totally agree. Yes, we may have missed signs. We may have been in denial. But blame goes 100% to the others. We were sticking up for the "till death do us part" thing. A certain amount of trust has to go with that.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Thanks, cody5 and dobo. Cody you are right on the money... if we didn't trust our spouses we wouldn't have married them. We even discussed what would be unacceptable behavior (grounds for divorce) before we married...
we both agreed that cheating was the number one deal-breaker. 

Someone mentioned what a sad commentary on society the stories in this forum are and I agree.. I feel so sad for everyone who is going through this. I hope that in the end we all look back and see that we've grown, that we're stronger and happier than before.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

At this point I would believe a politician, a used car salesman and Pinnochio, before I would believe my husband.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

foolz1 said:


> At this point I would believe a politician, a used car salesman and Pinnochio, before I would believe my husband.


Wish I could reach through the monitor and hug you. 
Don't forget: we'll come out of this stronger! (or so I've heard)


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Lorithehun, thank you for the hug and I'm sending one right back atcha.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

Several years ago I was betrayed by my wife, and lied to, hurt, and treated very poorly.
My wife's behavior during her affair was unacceptable.
The lies were unacceptable.
I did not deserve them.
She quickly came to see that, ended the affair, and made a commitment to our marriage.
We continue to have issues, but we bounced back from that big black hole in a major way. And while in the ups and downs of our marriage we may be in a bit of a down right now, I know that ups are possible and sustainable.
For me the key was not accepting or even assigning blame, even when her behavior was awful, but taking responsibility.
Taking responsibility means looking at yourself first, your own role, and what you can do in the future.
I think it is the key to rebuilding self-esteem and your biggest role in rebuilding the relationship - if that is what you choose.
The betraying spouse may or may not do her part. More likely, if he or she wants to continue with you, she or he may do so imperfectly. But the same could be true for the betrayed spouse - at least it was for me. I made mistakes all along the road.
The anger, the hurt, the pain is real and horrendous. I have felt it and feel for all of you who are going through it. here is healing but years later I still have scars.
I want to share with you that one does come out of it, though, and also share with you that the key for me was taking responsibility, taking care of myself, and trying to avoid shame, blame, judgment and criticism, in all its forms, both of myself and my partner.
I recall the thing that I often kept in mind on the worst days was what they tell you when you are with a child on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down.
Put yours on first. Then help the other person.
What the means to me is that you take care of yourself first, consider non-judgmentally what mistakes you made and what you need to do, and to look only secondary at the other person and what you need to do for or about them. Because if you don't take care of yourself, which includes examining yourself lovingly but truthfully, you can't be of any help to the other person or the relationship.
I hope that makes sense.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I just have to say.....what the heck happened to morals? Where do all these cheaters come from? How can people do that to each other? I just don't get it.

I have never cheated. In my first marriage of 15 years, he cheated repeatedly. I suppose I had opportunities, but never persued them. Why do cheaters let it get to that level?

How do they look themselves in the mirror when they KNOW how hurtful and devistating their behavior is? Are so many people really that selfish?

Like I said, I just don't get it.


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