# How to battle being alone



## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

Going through a in house separation until I can get to a lawyer. I have 3 young children and during the day I can fight off the loneliness by doing things with the kids. At night time after they go to bed its really hard. I miss my WW and its hurts that she don't miss me even though she is different. I miss going to a movie with someone,and affection not so much sex. My parents know what's going on and they don't even call me to talk. The WW has so much support a close friend and two sisters and not to mention the OM. Some friends know what's going on but they have lives too. Some days are better than others. How do I make connections with people when u feel so disconnected? Is it ok to talk to a women friend? My wife don't want me so why would she care. Anything would help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

You fight it in any and every way you can, that's what you do! Pick up a good book, take long showers, watch movies, reconnect with old friends. It's not inappropriate to talk to women friends in my opinion, I'd just be careful with boundaries for your own sake right now. 

Have you read about the 180? This was the single, most helpful tool to help me disconnect from my stbxh emotionally once I found out about the affair. I highly recommend it.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

180 helps me, too. I know some people have success with it in order to get attention back from their spouses, but I use it for my own sanity. I feel so much better about myself when I don't initiate any contact and only answer emails that have to do with logistics of ending the marriage.

To battle loneliness I do some rather boring things. I spend a lot of time on forums and talking to online friends. It's really easy to get those if you're online. I watch a ton of movies and TV. So lame I know, but it's something rather mindless that kills time.

Find some computer/system games. I can get lost for a good hour or two with some time management game and embarrassingly enough-Sims.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

You're going to read this a lot but TIME, TIME, TIME is what it is going to take..I can totally relate to not having a support group like my WW had including the OM who she now lives with..my children are very close to me and it is 60/40 in favor of me who they spend time with..In the first three months after she left I was very depressed and almost lost my job and some sanity due to the sudden departure and circumstances she left me in...I never really talked to others about my personal problems but I did start and to my suprise it helped a great deal..It will be soul searching time and although my first reaction was (I need to find someone also) I soon realized I did not since I was the only one focused on my 11 and 13 yr old daughters..It really becomes them first and me second since their mom is so wrapped up in the OM...there will be plenty of lows but trust me they will subside and get less harsh and less frequent once you stop dwelling on why it happened and stop worrying about what your wife was/is thinking or doing...it is all about rebuilding your self which sounds like a major step but you already know how to be a dad so it is about replacing the negative thoughts with positive thoughts..we cannot change the past regardless of whose fault anything is..forgiveness of ourselves and our WW is going to be the key that unlocks that loneliness, fear and negativity..I have been separated 14 months and divorced 5 months but I see what forgiveness brings..it brings inner peace and more focus about MY future..I turn my sometimes negative past thoughts to positive future thoughts but it took this long to get to that point..but you will once everything becomes more focused...it is not a pleasant journey (lots of gut punches) but they make you stronger..and remembering my children and being positive in their lives will break that bond of those negative feelings...good luck and keep posting..but FOCUS ON FORGIVENESS.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

I am also having trouble dealing with being alone. I've started compiling a list of all the things I miss. Everytime something comes to mind I jot it down. It's cathartic to write it down and keep a list. It's almost like once I write it down I've dealt with it. I'm not saying that the feeling doesnt come back....because they do. Yet I add a check mark by my notation so I know how important that one thing is to me. 

Probably making no sense at all here! 

I miss:
Dinners together
Talking about our day
Hearing him breathe while sleeping

etc.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

sadand said:


> I just keep telling the kids that I am really heartbroken and that I did not want this to happen.


That's exactly what I keep telling my daughter. Mommy loves daddy very much and would love for him to come home. This is not what I want either yet we have to make the best of it. 

Poor thing.....I can go on hurting. Yet i fall to pieces when I know she is hurting.


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

sad185 said:


> I am also having trouble dealing with being alone. I've started compiling a list of all the things I miss. Every time something comes to mind I jot it down. It's cathartic to write it down and keep a list. It's almost like once I write it down I've dealt with it. I'm not saying that the feeling doesn't come back....because they do. Yet I add a check mark by my notation so I know how important that one thing is to me.
> 
> Probably making no sense at all here!
> 
> ...


I miss those same things and its good idea to write it down because we can't always talk to people. Today is rough its fathers day. WW was out overnight at her sisters and she wakes up and txt me happy fathers day. Twisted emotions came home and tried to be friendly with me. Just hard to deal with. I wasn't asking questions but listening to her. I would love to crawl in bed with my wife and have her just turn around and hold each other but that is not going to happen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

What do you do when you can't stop crying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DasAstro, I am also in an in-house separation and as of today, it's been 6 week. This morning was particularly ugly!! My relationship with her is deteriorating by the day and I think it is because she is so bitter.

My parents are pouring salt on the wound and the last bit of our relationship is falling apart. She was so ugly to me this morning and all I want to do is just get away from her as the feelings are likely stronger from her to get away from me. Today she told me that this mostly my fault. She called me some names and I couldn't say anyhing back because I was just not raised to be a resentful person; I just don't have it in me to be that way to someone I spent my life with. Not to mention she said to me that she hopes that in her next marriage, that her extended family will be a decent, better family than mine. So she flat out told me that my parents are bitter people and will never be happy, etc, etc.

I told my parents that they were going to damage their grandchildrens relationship with them because she is their mother.

Why is it that I want to die now? I am a very deeply wounded man now. She told me that I had no b**lls because I should have set my parents straight about this. I already had a conversation with my parents and they are not talking to her. So she gets angry. And her anger is not a typical anger, her anger is the ugliest thing you have ever seen - truly comes from a black heart with no empathy or remorse. I don't know how my daughter is going to cope - and my son's wedding will be ruined, of that I am sure, and nothing hurts me more deeply.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

DasAstro said:


> What do you do when you can't stop crying?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have learned from experience you stop crying at some point, even if it takes two hours. After a cry session like that I typically sleep for an hour or so. Does not make for a fun day at all 

this is also very trite, but have you tried exercising? I got back into running when stbx left. I have lost weight and feeling pretty good. if you don't have weight to lose, you still feel pretty good!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

stair, exercise definitely works but sometimes, we reach those crying bouts when we can't get away to excercise. Like right now I am stuck at the office and have to put on a game face. I don't know when/if I am going to lose it; I need to be alone as it seems no one is really helping me get through this the right way. I have lost my SO, like you and many people on here and on top of that, she is just a terrible person to be around right now.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I had a bit of a cry about 30 minutes ago myself after getting that stupid "how are you doing" email. i work virtually which is both a blessing and a curse. I can sit here and cry all day or stare at the wall or whatever I need to do, but then I don't have anyone to be like "hey let's go get coffee" when I need to get away from my desk. I can get coffee but it's just me and the sleeping dog.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> I had a bit of a cry about 30 minutes ago myself after getting that stupid "how are you doing" email. i work virtually which is both a blessing and a curse. I can sit here and cry all day or stare at the wall or whatever I need to do, but then I don't have anyone to be like "hey let's go get coffee" when I need to get away from my desk. I can get coffee but it's just me and the sleeping dog.


I can see how that can work to your advantage and disadvantage, I am so sorry. Can you call up some friends for coffee? Or are they all at work? Hang in there; I know it's easier said than done.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My friends and I email throughout the day which helps a lot. My son is out of college this summer so he's rattling around a lot, too. I'm not the sad sack I made it sound like.


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

DasAstro said:


> How do I make connections with people when u feel so disconnected?_Posted via Mobile Device_


DasAstro,
I find that it helps to be around people, as a start, even strangers. When I think about my H and his support network it makes me feel worse and so alone and then I can't stop crying. So, I force myself to be around other people in a public place. I might go to a book store to just browse or have a coffee or sit in the cushy chairs (everyone is just sitting around looking at books anyway it's not a couple's scene), or to the mall to walk around, or sit on a bench and watch the people walk by, or really any place where there are people DOING things (a park). Just being around other people makes me feel more connected. I also find that going to a restaurant with a counter is a good place to go because mostly everyone at a counter is by themselves reading the paper or whatever and at least the waitress talks to you. Good luck!!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I guess it gets better. I was bottling so much to do my all day every day thing with the kids that I was waking up crying... I would pull it together and go about the day...
This last week I have been waking not crying


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I haven't been alone yet since I have an inhouse divorce. But we have agreed upon the buyout terms so now I am heading 400 miles away for a week to look for a job. Luckily, my sister lives there and can show me around and I won't be totally alone.

This is pretty scary to start over in new town, new job and new life. And for the first time in my life without a partner. Wow so many firsts.

I have a support network and that has helped me alot and when I leave this place I will join the rooms in the new town. That is what is fortunate about being a friend of Bill W, any city, town in the world and you can connect with people that are working toward the same goal you are.

Good luck to all of us on this scary and mysterious new path.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

nowthinkpositive said:


> DasAstro,
> I find that it helps to be around people, as a start, even strangers. When I think about my H and his support network it makes me feel worse and so alone and then I can't stop crying. So, I force myself to be around other people in a public place. I might go to a book store to just browse or have a coffee or sit in the cushy chairs (everyone is just sitting around looking at books anyway it's not a couple's scene), or to the mall to walk around, or sit on a bench and watch the people walk by, or really any place where there are people DOING things (a park). Just being around other people makes me feel more connected. I also find that going to a restaurant with a counter is a good place to go because mostly everyone at a counter is by themselves reading the paper or whatever and at least the waitress talks to you. Good luck!!


These are great ideas! I know this isn't for everyone, but sometimes I head out for a beer or two on my own. People love making small talk at the bar.


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

All great ideas I will have to start practicing these things and the 180. I just wish she would give us a chance she looks at every negative thing. All our marriage takes is some care like every other marriage.
The OM is not every day life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

I really like this forum and reading all of your stories because it reminds me that it's ok and normal to feel like this, and reconfirms ways to recover and feel better. It also makes me greatful for what I do have. I hope you all heal beautifully and find happiness.


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

Just woke up from a dream about me and WW sitting on the couch under blanket holding hands laughing together. It has been a long time since we did that. Made me very happy then i woke up and it was just a dream. Now sad and happy at the sametime, i know she has to miss that too


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