# Newly married and already sex is a problem



## Pnoyed (Mar 29, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I recently married a beautiful woman who I met on my many travels. I live in the UK and my wife is from the Philippines, she moved here to be with me and we got married.

My wife was a virgin when we married, something expected from a lot of women in the Philippines.

So far, we have had sex once!

I say once, but I tried a few times. The problem was my wife was never too into doing anything, apart from being fully nude and making herself available she was very stand-offish and would quickly move herself out of the way when I tried to enter her. This was because she was nervous and kept asking me to "Go slow". I would lose my erection as well as I could sense she wasn't really up for doing anything and this made things worse.

I would give her oral sex, but after a few minutes she would push me away as this made her feel "week", I've tried this a few times but it usually ends in her trying to push me away and going to sleep.

The only successful moment of full sex we had was after a night of drinking with friends when I tried yet again and finally my wife gave me back some response, she even gave me oral sex for a few moments and then we had full sex. Unfortunately, she has suffered some pain during this and now simply pushes me away at every attempt I make to even kiss her. I suffered some pain then also as her vagina is very tight and for the next day or so I felt a little pain in my penis. But I think with continued practice, we could overcome this pain and move on into a healthy sex life.

We've only been married a month and I try to do my best for her, but it is getting me down and a part of me wants to stop making moves. 

I suspect my wife might not have been a virgin, but a victim of some sexual abuse of some kind. I have nothing to base this on except my gut feeling, but she doesn't like to talk about it.

Can anyone relate to this?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Go with your wife to a GYN appointment. There are some threads here, posted by women, with similar difficulties in having penetrative sex. There are also threads where husbands and a few wives, have posted to try to come to terms with their, or their wives, pasts. 

If she suffered some kind of sexual trauma and that is combined with a cultural tendency to avoid all topics about sex, you've got quite a hurdle to over come, but with patience, tenderness and fortitude you can both learn to enjoy a full sex life.

Start with the doctor to see if physical issues are present. Next, open the topic of sex, and keep talking about it. She will try to shut it down, but keep gently pushing. Keep explaining that sex between husband and wife is good, but it doesn't always become good without some openness, some talking, some experimenting.

You're going to have to take a strong lead on this. You're going to have to push through her anger, her tears and keep the subject tenderly open. "I know you're uncomfortable talking about sex but it's really important that we discuss this. I know you're angry about me "always" bringing this up but I love you, you're my wife and I want us to be happy loving each other."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How old is this virgin you married?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please!.... This woamn isn't interested in a sexual life with you. get anannulment ASAP


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I don't know your situation but if she married for papers as what happens often in the US just so they could leave the Philippines, it is possible she just doesn't want to have sex with your or is not attracted to you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Well you need to be honest with her about your needs. Insist on going to a gynaecologist and checking if there is anything wrong and Counseling. Let her know that if she was abused it wasn't her fault and that sex is normal and natural between two married loving people.

Also if she was a virgin she would probably experience pain the first few times she has sex, I did and it hurt a lot but I had read it may hurt and expected it and by about the 4th time it was pain 

If you do all of theses things and there is no effort or improvement from her in about 6 months I'd think about moving on, as your needs will not be met and it will breed resentment.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Pnoyed said:


> I suspect my wife might not have been a virgin, but a victim of some sexual abuse of some kind. I have nothing to base this on except my gut feeling, but she doesn't like to talk about it.
> 
> Can anyone relate to this?


I married a 19 year old, also her first boyfriend. Very common amongst superstitious third-world peoples (Catholics who don't believe in birth control in a society that does not force fathers to pay child support). There is a lot more going on than prizing virginity as a virtue. 

This simply isn't common behavior. They are no different from any other women physically, although she could be very small so that could be a minor factor. But they're into sex with their husbands. 

Filipinas do tend to keep their feelings inside and if you google "tampo" you will learn about this. The western expression would be giving you the silent treatment. I don't put up with tampo because it is a manipulative tactic the man is supposed to respond to with "lambing", ie kissing her rear end. 

I'd want to know more about the courtship and how well you actually knew her. Especially whether you had spent time with her family, her friends, and her community.


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## Pnoyed (Mar 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Go with your wife to a GYN appointment. There are some threads here, posted by women, with similar difficulties in having penetrative sex. There are also threads where husbands and a few wives, have posted to try to come to terms with their, or their wives, pasts.
> 
> If she suffered some kind of sexual trauma and that is combined with a cultural tendency to avoid all topics about sex, you've got quite a hurdle to over come, but with patience, tenderness and fortitude you can both learn to enjoy a full sex life.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice! She registers with a local doctor this week and I will then get her to see a gynecologist.



WorkingOnMe said:


> How old is this virgin you married?


27 and I am 33. There is not a huge age difference.



Adex said:


> I don't know your situation but if she married for papers as what happens often in the US just so they could leave the Philippines, it is possible she just doesn't want to have sex with your or is not attracted to you.


She was set to move to the US before we met, she didn't need me for papers or an easy route to a richer country. Many of her family and former classmates now work in the US, she sacrificed that to be with me.



*LittleDeer* said:


> Well you need to be honest with her about your needs. Insist on going to a gynaecologist and checking if there is anything wrong and Counseling. Let her know that if she was abused it wasn't her fault and that sex is normal and natural between two married loving people.
> 
> Also if she was a virgin she would probably experience pain the first few times she has sex, I did and it hurt a lot but I had read it may hurt and expected it and by about the 4th time it was pain
> 
> If you do all of theses things and there is no effort or improvement from her in about 6 months I'd think about moving on, as your needs will not be met and it will breed resentment.


Thanks for the advice. I think it is also the fact she is now missing her family and home more and more.

Which makes this whole thing more difficult as it is one negative compounding another.



Wiserforit said:


> I married a 19 year old, also her first boyfriend. Very common amongst superstitious third-world peoples (Catholics who don't believe in birth control in a society that does not force fathers to pay child support). There is a lot more going on than prizing virginity as a virtue.
> 
> This simply isn't common behavior. They are no different from any other women physically, although she could be very small so that could be a minor factor. But they're into sex with their husbands.
> 
> ...


Yes, I got tampo alright. Sadly I followed with some lambing I guess. It is also difficult for her right now as she currently doesn't have a job and is bored all day when I am at work.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A virgin at that age is a red flag. Very good chance she just doesn't (and never has) want it.


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