# Wife was flirting with another man. Help



## Andi2027

During new years eve I tried to recover some deleted pics from my wife's old phone using a program that I downloaded from the Internet. Instead I recovered deleted messages of her flirting with a co-worker of hers. Here are the facts in a brief:

- We have two sons 5 and 3.
- We are both 36, together for 14 years married for 8.
- She claimed that she liked the attention (made her feel good), and she had no intension of getting in any way physical with him. She said that she didn't even like him.
- She claimed that this went on for just 1 + month (May 2015) and then she stopped it, telling him that it was wrong.
- She works with his wife, so by telling her I would probably cause my wife to loose her job and destroy her reputation (hence I will make it extremely hard to keep my marriage. 
- I already met with the guy, humiliated him (he cried) and he promised that he will now pretend that he never met my wife (not even good morning), or any other members of my family. He also kept repeating that nothing physical took place. 
- For the past week she is a complete wreck, promising me that she will do what ever it takes to keep me home. BTW we are having great sex 2-3 time per day.

I'm in a full confusion. Please help


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## GusPolinski

Hmm.

Keep digging.


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## MachoMcCoy

Get the text records. You don't need to see the verbiage yet. You just need to prove how long it has been going on. That lie is the easy one to catch. Start with the low hanging fruit.


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## JohnA

Why were you trying to download the pictures, did she ask you ?

During the time frame of the flirting how was your home life ?

Why didn't she nail him ? She knew it was wrong ? Pretty poor answer. What some good ones ? Try any of the ones here 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/306482-whats-worst-thing-about-infidelity.html. As you start to read because each post say "because I love you and I could never make you feel ......... This.

Follow Macho's advise. Get the old phone bills.
Check the numbers called and texted. Look for a lot of activity to and from one number. If you find a lot to him before and after May, or a number(s) with a lot of volume - do not confront her. Come back here and let the board know. There are a lot of women and men here who have been though the wringer and can more then help you. 


It is going into the week-end. Put this out of your mind till Monday evening. Spend the week-end with and focused on your children.


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## Andi2027

New data. I asked her for the phone records and she suddenly confessed that she have been texting with him for the last year. She nevertheless said that actual flirting only took place over two months. She also admitted that she was attracted to this guy but she insisted that nothing physical happened. She said that now that now that she is losing me she understood how she loves me and how broken she would be ...........and other crazy ****. I must note that, especially my older son is very attached to me and he will be divested if I left. I think I'm loosing it guys.


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## GusPolinski

Andi2027 said:


> New data. I asked her for the phone records and she suddenly confessed that she have been texting with him for the last year. She nevertheless said that actual flirting only took place over two months. She also admitted that she was attracted to this guy but she insisted that nothing physical happened. She said that now that now that she is losing me she understood how she loves me and how broken she would be ...........and other crazy ****. I must note that, especially my older son is very attached to me and he will be divested if I left. I think I'm loosing it guys.


She's trickle-truthing you. Get the phone and text records from the cell company.

Has she provided a timeline w/ respect to when the "flirting" supposedly started and stopped?

What kind of phone does she use?

Does she have any ephemeral messaging apps like WhatsApp, SnapChat, Kik, Viber on her phone? What about any suspicious-looking apps that don't quite pass a sniff test? Google something like "cheater chat apps" (there are a hojillion of them) to see what I'm talking about.

What software did you use to perform data recovery?

Start looking at credit card and banking statements for any unexplained charges. Be especially suspicious of anything that looks like a hotel charge.

If you don't have it already, get access to her social media and e-mail accounts, preferably w/o her knowing so that she doesn't have time to scrub or delete anything first.

Scrutinize EVERYTHING.


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## MattMatt

Andi2027 said:


> During new years eve I tried to recover some deleted pics from my wife's old phone using a program that I downloaded from the Internet. Instead I recovered deleted messages of her flirting with a co-worker of hers. Here are the facts in a brief:
> 
> - We have two sons 5 and 3.
> - We are both 36, together for 14 years married for 8.
> - She claimed that she liked the attention (made her feel good), and she had no intension of getting in any way physical with him. She said that she didn't even like him.
> - She claimed that this went on for just 1 + month (May 2015) and then she stopped it, telling him that it was wrong.
> - She works with his wife, so by telling her I would probably cause my wife to loose her job and destroy her reputation (hence I will make it extremely hard to keep my marriage.
> - I already met with the guy, humiliated him (he cried) and he promised that he will now pretend that he never met my wife (not even good morning), or any other members of my family. He also kept repeating that nothing physical took place.
> - For the past week she is a complete wreck, promising me that she will do what ever it takes to keep me home. BTW we are having great sex 2-3 time per day.
> 
> I'm in a full confusion. Please help


WHAT reputation? An undeserved one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

Andi2027 said:


> New data. I asked her for the phone records and she suddenly confessed that she have been texting with him for the last year. She nevertheless said that actual flirting only took place over two months. She also admitted that she was attracted to this guy but she insisted that nothing physical happened. She said that now that now that she is losing me she understood how she loves me and how broken she would be ...........and other crazy ****. I must note that, especially my older son is very attached to me and he will be divested if I left. I think I'm loosing it guys.


Well, first of all, she's the one who betrayed you, so you would/should not be the one to leave.

What does she do for a living? I think if she wants to prove to you how more important than him you are to her, she should start with finding another job.

And yes, keep digging.


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## abart

Keep digging (The way she is acting sounds fishy)

this thread is really good(find evidence) -> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## MattMatt

Get tested for STDs as quickly as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1

You need to let her boyfriend's wife know ASAP. Do not let either of them know you are doing this.

She is lying to you. You can only assume the affair is still going on and has gone underground. YOUR ONLY GOAL RIGHT NOW IS TO GET OUT OF THE OPEN MARRIAGE AND THIS EXPOSURE WILL KILL THE AFFAIR LIOE NOTHING ELSE.

Please don't make the same mistake so many others do and make excuses not to. Beyond killing the affair, letting her boyfriend's wife know is truly the ethical decision. She has potentially been exposed to STDs and she does not know it.

Other items for AFTER letter her know (which again, needs to happen before you even post here again - it is that important).

- go see a lawyer to understand your rights. Making this appointment is the next second important thing to do.
- have her write a full timeline of the affair. She needs to give you every detail down to what she was drinking when you found out

- demand instant No Contact. Under no conditions do they talk. If he tries to contact her she lets you know

Full transparency. You have all passwords and account information.

Read up on the 180 here. You will need it.

IF YOU TAKE ONE THING AWAY FROM THIS POST KNOW THAT PROVIDING EVERY OUNCE OF EVIDENCE TO HIS WIFE IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT QUESTION IS WHAT YOU MUST DO. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## straightshooter

Let's start with you need to stop paying asny attention to her tears or pleading on begging for anything. She lied to you about the duration and what she did. And right now you are still clueless.

Since you are already known to this co worker, I would bluff him and tell him you know there is more and tell him he has one chance to tell you the rest. 

Then I would tell your wife the same thing. Now you are not powerless here. Get the text records as you were told.

Then you need a VAR in her car. If they are planning on how to do this they will be talking on the phone. 

And the last thing you should do is tell your wife calmly you are scheduling her for a polygraph ( even if you have no intention of doing it), and watch her reaction. If she has nothing to hide she should say it is fine. But if she turns whiter than your sheets, that tells you something right there.

If the one month thing had been the truth, it might have been a different story. But "flirting" for a year with a co worker and telling you they never got together is probably a load of crap. And his crying is also a red flag. 

And lastly, tell his wife. You wifes reaction will tell you a lot also. And in case you do not know it, the first thing any infidelity book will tell you is that affair partners, EA or PA, cannot continue to work together.


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## nursejackie

Sorry you are here and going through this.

The guy CRIED because you caught him texting with your wife??????

It has to be more than an EA to make him feel so guilty he cried. I would think most OM when faced with being confronted by the BS for texting would blow it off as nothing….so what we were just fooling around….meant nothing…..just words…a joke….we are just friends…..

For the OM to cry IMHO would have to indicate that it has gone physical. Of course it could also mean he knows he could be in big doo-doo because now his wife will find out etc. 

Listen to the wisdom of the posters here and follow their advice. They will offer you support and guidance. You are going to need it. I will be keeping my fingers crossed that you will come through this mess ok. Good luck.


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## Thundarr

Man this stuff SUCKs. You know her story doesn't add up and likely why. It hurts and it's scary to think that she's been having a EA/PA but signs point to that. The question is whether you'd want to reconcile if she came clean about a physical affair. Remember that they are in damage control mode and she's going to confess to the minimum possible. That's how trickle truth works. Then later on when things still don't add up and you confront again, out pops another piece of truth. Again the minimum possible. Trickle truth is the betrayal that keeps on giving.

Either way, you've got trust your gut and logic and not believe what doesn't add up.


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## tech-novelist

Yes, this sounds very suspicious. But you must pretend that she has pulled the wool over your eyes because otherwise she will just take it farther underground.

Follow the advice in the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html, as already suggested.


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## LosingHim

Sorry you're here.

Everyone else that has commented is a betrayed spouse, I'm a wayward spouse. So I thought I'd give you some advice from my perspective. 

1) there's more to this story

2) she's caught so the insane sex is her way of trying to get you to think she's all about you and distract you from the matter at hand

3) she's likely contacted the OM and warned him that you know and that they need to be "more careful"

4) she's only giving you info on what you know so far

5) she's in "fix it" mode. She's crying and having sex with you trying to fix what she did

6) she's already shown she's not remorseful because she hid it and then lied about it when first confronted. This is not to say she doesn't feel bad, but true remorse isn't sonething that comes right away, it requires a lot of reflection and analyzation of what she actually did and I don't think she's done that yet.

7) OM cried because he thinks you're going to tell his wife.

So, follow the posters advice here. Go underground with it. Act like everything is fine while you gather evidence. No more confronting. See if she offers any more details, but if she does, no more questions until you have proof of your own. Once you have proof, tell her you want a divorce. You don't have to mean it, but she has to THINK you mean it. Do not present your findings at this time, simply just say "I want a divorce". I'm willing to bet at that time is the only time she comes 100% clean. Trust me, I know, I did this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

It's been going on a year. More than likely it's a PA. The OM cried because he knew how serious it was and thought you were going to blowup his world with his girlfriend. 

Something I've seen many times on TAM and other sites is that the build up to EA is slow but it goes PA fairly quickly. They've been at it for a year. Sexting is what couples do to build sexual tension until there next rendezvous. 

You need to get her phone and get the content of those text. Check her social media, email, tablet, etc. Also look for a burner phone. 

We recently had a long thread from a long term married guy with 4 kids, who found his wife was having an affair with her best friend's / employee's husband. For over a year they got their families together backyard BBQ, sleepovers, etc. meanwhile she was betraying not just her husband but her supposed best friend. So yes, your wife could be one of those waywards that's able to compartmentalize in such a cold way.


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## Graywolf2

Andi2027 said:


> She also admitted that she was attracted to this guy but she insisted that nothing physical happened. *She said that now that now that she is losing me she understood how she loves me and how broken she would be .*..........and other crazy ****.


I think the part in bold is true. You supplied 90% of the needs and the other man (OM) supplied 10%. When the affair was free everything was fantastic for your wife. When she found out that the 10% could cost her your 90% she panicked and through the OM under the bus without a second thought. The OM did the same when the affair wasn’t free. 

She’s only admitting what you can prove because she doesn’t know what your final straw is. That called the trickle truth (TT). She’s afraid that if you find out something physical happened it will be a deal breaker. That’s why she’s insisting that nothing physical happened and will take that to the grave no matter how much circumstantial evidence you might find. Now she’s [email protected] your brains out. It’s called hysterical bonding (HB).


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## farsidejunky

LosingHim said:


> Sorry you're here.
> 
> Everyone else that has commented is a betrayed spouse, I'm a wayward spouse. So I thought I'd give you some advice from my perspective.
> 
> 1) there's more to this story
> 
> 2) she's caught so the insane sex is her way of trying to get you to think she's all about you and distract you from the matter at hand
> 
> 3) she's likely contacted the OM and warned him that you know and that they need to be "more careful"
> 
> 4) she's only giving you info on what you know so far
> 
> 5) she's in "fix it" mode. She's crying and having sex with you trying to fix what she did
> 
> 6) she's already shown she's not remorseful because she hid it and then lied about it when first confronted. This is not to say she doesn't feel bad, but true remorse isn't sonething that comes right away, it requires a lot of reflection and analyzation of what she actually did and I don't think she's done that yet.
> 
> 7) OM cried because he thinks you're going to tell his wife.
> 
> So, follow the posters advice here. Go underground with it. Act like everything is fine while you gather evidence. No more confronting. See if she offers any more details, but if she does, no more questions until you have proof of your own. Once you have proof, tell her you want a divorce. You don't have to mean it, but she has to THINK you mean it. Do not present your findings at this time, simply just say "I want a divorce". I'm willing to bet at that time is the only time she comes 100% clean. Trust me, I know, I did this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to hang around, @LosingHim. Nothing quite like a former wayward telling you that your wife is full of sh!t.

Good post.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm.
> 
> Keep digging.


This.

Her remark that she doesn't even like him is a huge flag that much more has taken place.

Many woman have told their husbands they can't stand some guy they are actually cheating with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on

Another workplace affair, just reading this jacked my blood pressure up to where I'm feeling it. OP, my wife had a workplace affair also, six months it lasted with the sex taking place at work. So when your wife says we were at work what do you think we can do there? You can tell her full on SEX. You are also get what is called trickle truth. Meaning she tells you what you know as you discover it. The key to tak from that is this, she is still lying, protecting OM, using deception to erase whatever she can. Later she will tell you she was protecting you from being hurt so badly, that's why she tells you a little at a time. However that's a crock of crap, she never once thought of you. 

You have several options, and confronting OM was a good start. Now some are saying to go underground, just as your wife and OM are, and say nothing. I tried that, it failed me. What I should have done, had I known to do so, is prepare. You confronted OM, now take your assault to this invasion of your marriage to the next level. It's a war OP, only you didn't know you were in a war, be quick and decisive. 

Here is what I would do in your position. Write a letter to everyone in your family, put in envelopes and place stamps on them. Call a lawyer, make an appointment, be sure to get his business card and divorce papers. On that same day as the lawyer, schedule a lunch with OM's wife, do not tell anyone. Schedule this day off work. Go to lawyers office, pay the retainer fee. Go to a florist, buy a dozen flowers your wife dislikes. Go to your wife's work and give her the flowers, then proceed to the wife of OM's desk. Walk out of the office, your phone will now be blowing up from your wife. The OM's wife's phone will blow up in less then ten minutes. Explain GENTLY to OMW what is happening and for how long. Also tell her about confronting OM and that he cried, proving to you it was a physical affair. Tell her you have retained an attorney and filing for divorce the next day. Take her back to work and walk her to her desk. Go back to your wife's desk, tell her if she wants the marriage she puts her notice in today. 

When your wife comes home do not let her talk. Leave the divorce papers in plain sight. Make sure to let her know where you were today. Tell her to sit down, and tell her you want the truth now. If her story matches EVERYTHING you have found, you will file for divorce. Tell her if her story doesn't match EVERYTHING you have found you will divorce. OP, she has to know you are serious, she has to know there is nothing left to save. In other words she's lost everything, there's nothing left to lose. If you do this right and sell yourself here, she will confess. It is only when there is nothing left do you ever get the full confession. Ask all the questions you need answers for, tell her only the truth will MAYBE save something of this relationship. 

Show her the letters, tell her they are letters to everybody in yours and hers family outlining her affair. Tell her you are mailing them after you leave your lawyers office the following morning. Now ask her if she put her notice in to work. If she did good, if not then full steam ahead on divorce. OP you can always stop the divorce, if you decide to reconcile. That is what I would start with, but remember, whenever she says an answer your only respond with, is that all. Good luck OP, sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on

farsidejunky said:


> You need to hang around, @LosingHim. Nothing quite like a former wayward telling you that your wife is full of sh!t.
> 
> Good post.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk




I was looking for the "super" like button but couldn't find it. You are correct, Losinghim definitely needs to stay here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene

As good and confusing as it might be, I would not allow her to manipulate you with sex. She is trying to reel you back in. It will stop once she thinks she has you.
no sex. This will also send her a strong signal that all is not ok.


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## ConanHub

drifting on said:


> Another workplace affair, just reading this jacked my blood pressure up to where I'm feeling it. OP, my wife had a workplace affair also, six months it lasted with the sex taking place at work. So when your wife says we were at work what do you think we can do there? You can tell her full on SEX. You are also get what is called trickle truth. Meaning she tells you what you know as you discover it. The key to tak from that is this, she is still lying, protecting OM, using deception to erase whatever she can. Later she will tell you she was protecting you from being hurt so badly, that's why she tells you a little at a time. However that's a crock of crap, she never once thought of you.
> 
> You have several options, and confronting OM was a good start. Now some are saying to go underground, just as your wife and OM are, and say nothing. I tried that, it failed me. What I should have done, had I known to do so, is prepare. You confronted OM, now take your assault to this invasion of your marriage to the next level. It's a war OP, only you didn't know you were in a war, be quick and decisive.
> 
> Here is what I would do in your position. Write a letter to everyone in your family, put in envelopes and place stamps on them. Call a lawyer, make an appointment, be sure to get his business card and divorce papers. On that same day as the lawyer, schedule a lunch with OM's wife, do not tell anyone. Schedule this day off work. Go to lawyers office, pay the retainer fee. Go to a florist, buy a dozen flowers your wife dislikes. Go to your wife's work and give her the flowers, then proceed to the wife of OM's desk. Walk out of the office, your phone will now be blowing up from your wife. The OM's wife's phone will blow up in less then ten minutes. Explain GENTLY to OMW what is happening and for how long. Also tell her about confronting OM and that he cried, proving to you it was a physical affair. Tell her you have retained an attorney and filing for divorce the next day. Take her back to work and walk her to her desk. Go back to your wife's desk, tell her if she wants the marriage she puts her notice in today.
> 
> When your wife comes home do not let her talk. Leave the divorce papers in plain sight. Make sure to let her know where you were today. Tell her to sit down, and tell her you want the truth now. If her story matches EVERYTHING you have found, you will file for divorce. Tell her if her story doesn't match EVERYTHING you have found you will divorce. OP, she has to know you are serious, she has to know there is nothing left to save. In other words she's lost everything, there's nothing left to lose. If you do this right and sell yourself here, she will confess. It is only when there is nothing left do you ever get the full confession. Ask all the questions you need answers for, tell her only the truth will MAYBE save something of this relationship.
> 
> Show her the letters, tell her they are letters to everybody in yours and hers family outlining her affair. Tell her you are mailing them after you leave your lawyers office the following morning. Now ask her if she put her notice in to work. If she did good, if not then full steam ahead on divorce. OP you can always stop the divorce, if you decide to reconcile. That is what I would start with, but remember, whenever she says an answer your only respond with, is that all. Good luck OP, sorry you are here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not bad. I like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

If you want enough truth to help you begin to decide how to proceed with your marriage, you must keep pushing.

She is following an extremely typical pattern. You may think that you are special, but when it comes to this, you sadly are not.

You know only the tip of the iceberg. She has told you that it went on for a year. It was probably longer. They were at the very least flirting for a while before they started their texting, etc.

Was it physical? I think it absolutely was.

If it were me, I would cut to the chase and tell her she takes a poly or it's divorce papers.


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## TDSC60

So - it went from; "Don't even like him" to "attracted to him". From "one month in May 2015" to "one year of texting". From "nothing physical happened" to ?????????????

Do you see the pattern of Trickle Truth? It should be easy for you to fill in the last unanswered question.


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## LosingHim

drifting on said:


> I was looking for the "super" like button but couldn't find it. You are correct, Losinghim definitely needs to stay here!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @driftingon @farsidejunky I'm here for the duration! 

OP, keep posting, keep giving details and updates. I didn't have a long term affair, but the thinking and similarities between a one night stand and a long term affair can be very close in how the wayward acts afterwards.

Everyone else is going to give you the betrayeds perspective, I'm going to give you the betrayers point of view. Both will be incredibly helpful!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Andi2027, I unfortunately have to agree with the other posters that say that there is more to her interaction with the OM.

A month turned into a year. Not liking him turned into she was attracted to him. Your wife starts crying and saying that she doesn't want to loose you. When you confront the OM, he starts crying. This was far more than the month long EA that your wife has tried to portray to you.

I'm guessing that both your WS and the OM believe that their spouses will D them if they find out that there was a PA. Especially the OM. I mean maybe a little misty eyed, but outright crying... Btw, the OM's tears were not for you or your WS. They were because he realized that his wife may find out and file for D. Same as your wife.

I'm sorry Andi, but there's definitely more to their relationship then she's told you. Where do you "draw the line" when it comes to what she may have done with him. I ask this now while you're emotions are still relatively in check.


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## nursejackie

I'll add one more perspective from the wayward spouses point of view to Losing Him's already spot on post...

There is so much more than she is willing to tell you.

She loves you and she is infatuated with the OM. They both cried because they knew the jig was up and they have to choose between the chemicals that each other deliver and the sanctity of their marriages.

She doesn't know what the "deal breaker" for you would be. She will do anything she can to tell you as little as possible. Every new disclosure may be the "deal breaker" so she will trickle truth you to death.

When I broke it off I fell down on my knees and prayed that I could get through that first part. I knew it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't moral. It was deplorable. I knew it was me wanting everything and like a spoiled immature brat it hurt like hell to give it up. 

It is possible to come through this if both of you want it.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

I will be honest with you. Your wife is cheating on you and she is doing it for a long time.

You will never find the truth.

Her story went from "I dont even like him to he is making me feel good to one year Affair". 

I belive it is even worse and even longer.

About OM crying-dont fall into that trap. He dont care about you and your kids. He cares only about himself and he is worried that you will expose him to his own wife.

Your wife is giving you all the sex you can- she is trying to keep you in dark my friend. Now Affair is in open and she wants to keep it there.

She works five days a week with this guy so there is plenty of time for them.

They made story for you and they talked about it and probably laughed at you.

You need to expose this Affair. Tell family and good freinds,especially the OMs wife. She deserves to know.

If you want to stay in this marriage your wife HAVE TO change her job. No contact with this guy at all. Dont let her stay there.

You will never find the truth my friend and it is up to what you want from now on. 

I know for myself I would never stay in marriage with all lies and pain,but it is your life and your decision.

Stay strong.


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## ThePheonix

Be smart said:


> Her story went from "I dont even like him to he is making me feel good to one year Affair".


Most folks don't want to win the lotto but it makes them feel good to try. In my former life, the number to guys I told there was no sex, it was just dancing and light conversation would shock you. 
I don't know for sure whether they were screwing or not Andi, but the odds are not in your favor and you sure as hell can't believe either of them. With that much to lose, why wouldn't they chance selling you and his wife nothing beyond light flirting really happened?
A good question for you to ask is if she was so in love with you, why was her romantic interest in this cat in the stratosphere.


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## workindad

So, she had no issue hiding this from you- same as lying to you about it for months. 

That does not bode well for chances at being honest now. In other words, she still flat a$$ lying.

This is standard reaction/response for a cheater and it would be unusual if you were getting anything else.

Insist on a complete timeline and tell her you want a polygraph. Judge her reaction. Be prepared to follow thru with the polygraph. 

Her throwing sex at you is her way of throwing you off course. You are being played.


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## drifting on

OP, you are in a war, understand that, you're wife is in a fog. Others have said she is in survival mode. Think hard about this, you're in shock, I was too. Stay here to stay clear of your fog. Believe nothing your wife says. Can't believe I would say such a thing to you, can you? I hope you listen, your wife is not your wife right now, look who she protects with her lies and deception. OM!! Your wife is not on your side anymore, if she was she would have told you it was a year. She didn't, because she still wants her affair, and you need to shock and rattle her world extremely hard. You can go back to caring about her when she cares about you. 

Let both your wife and OM know you will not tolerate this behavior. If you think she is lying threaten her with a polygraph. It's war OP, that means NO RULES, be as hard as you need. I was very hard on my wife on d-day, I had to be, I didn't tolerate trickle truth and neither should you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on

nursejackie said:


> I'll add one more perspective from the wayward spouses point of view to Losing Him's already spot on post...
> 
> There is so much more than she is willing to tell you.
> 
> She loves you and she is infatuated with the OM. They both cried because they knew the jig was up and they have to choose between the chemicals that each other deliver and the sanctity of their marriages.
> 
> She doesn't know what the "deal breaker" for you would be. She will do anything she can to tell you as little as possible. Every new disclosure may be the "deal breaker" so she will trickle truth you to death.
> 
> When I broke it off I fell down on my knees and prayed that I could get through that first part. I knew it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't moral. It was deplorable. I knew it was me wanting everything and like a spoiled immature brat it hurt like hell to give it up.
> 
> It is possible to come through this if both of you want it.




You need to stay here too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad

OP- do you have any kids? 

Also, she's basically only admitting to what she's been busted for. Not a good sign, she's a skilled liar.


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## committed_guy

Ditto what everyone has said.

My wife was doing this too. I found out when we were out shopping and told her I was waiting in the car. She made this strange request for me to bring her phone in the car to her. I said no. While waiting browsed her phone to find the evidence of an emotional affair well on it's way to becoming physical. They were planning to meet up for drinks after work.

Thankfully I had a friend I could call and he talked me down off the ledge of leaving her that night.

Long story short, that wasn't the only incident with this guy. She tried to email him and texted him more over the next 2 months. When I asked her about it she denied it until I showed her the phone bill with the text number to him. 

I've only spot checked her a couple times after that without finding anything. So either she's gotten good at hiding or she's really quit. The sad part is I don't care anymore. 

To the OP, there is probably more. Keep a copy of everything to be used in a divorce court. Use your phone to take pictures of her's and store those pictures in a safe place. If you do find something else you might not want to condemn her right away. Become the best actor in the world and pretend you don't know about it. See how far she will go.


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## straightshooter

Andi,

Well, i hope to hell you have not disappeared because that would be a big mistake for you.

You have gotten quite a few responses from all across the spectrum, including I think two from wayward wives. have you noticed something???

*NO ONE RESPONDING TO YOU BELIEVES FOR AN INSTANT THAT THIS THING HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A YEAR AND IS NOT MUCH MORE INVOLVED THAN YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW*


None of us know one another from Adam ( or Eve). 

So you have two clear choices here my friend

(1) put your head in the sand
(2) get the truth.

Should you choose number 1, this forum and others will be there to pick up the pieces when you get whacked worse than you will be now.

Should you choose number 2, which I hope you do, I personally agree with those that say you should confront big time, tell the OM wife ( do not tell your wife you are doing it), get to an attorney and give her divorce [papers.

That does not mean you are getting divorced. It means you can stop it at any time but makes it clear to her that you are in control of how the interactions are going to proceed from here on out, and banging you twenty times a day is not going to change anything.

The odds that in a year of this that she has not been having sex with him are miniscule. You have a better chance of getting hit by lightning.

Right now you are CLUELESS. not a great state to be in to make any decisions. Only you can make yourself not clueless and giving her a kleenex to wipe away her tears will not get you there.

The approach you need is referred to as "shock and awe", and yes, as someone else said, you are in a war for your marriage and dignity.


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## Andi2027

Thank you all for you interest.

New facts: She broke down yesterday (she haven't been eating for the past two days) and told be more than I asked for. She told me details about the sexual conversation that they had. She also told me that a couple of times he suggested to her going to a hotel, and although at the beginning she gave him hope at the last moment she refused. She admitted that she though about going but she not sure if she would at the end. She did not refused the fact that when the conversation got sexy, although she did not get as dirty as him she was telling him to go on. She said she loved the tension, and loved to tease him letting him know that there is a chance of something more. She said that the main reason that she like him is the he seemed so loose and relaxed (he is a messenger vs. me a Manager.). She is a secretary . I'm holding a Masters degree, and she is of high school level. 

An important fact is that she does not work with thus guy but with his wife. This guy is stationed elsewhere. After confessing all the above she insists that nothing physical happened (not even a kiss). When I met my wife she was a virgin hence, until now I was thinking that I was her only one. We leave at a small, Christian Greek Island, and indeed if I tell his wife my wife reputation will suffer much more than if we leave in a bigger more liberal country (and in effect if we stay together this will indeed harm my whole family's reputation). I suggested a polygraph test to her and she agreed immediately to it. Are those reliable by the way?


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## Andi2027

BTW she told me that if I wanted to go she will accept it. She also told me that since is her fault I can decide for everything (kids, house financial etc.). Furthermore she decided that she would like to tell everything to her mother, and sister. She also told me that if I stay we should go to couples therapy/counselling.


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## Andi2027

Guys I really want to stay with my family, but I'm not a fool. By the way the night that I scanned her old phone she formatted the new one. She told me that she did not want me to see the sexual conversation she had with him after that (bought the new phone during May BTW.) She also insisted that, as I will realise from the phone history which will provide me with, the texting got much less frequent after June, furthermore never after working hours.


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## Andi2027

One detail that I forgot to mention is that during last year she found messages from a female co-worker of mine (very good looking and well educated) on my cell, which although frequent, of friendly content. She got furious and I promised that I will stopped it, which it did (without major effort). Further to that I'm a fairly good looking guy, a fact that many people reminded my wife of in many instances. I don't know if all those are important.


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## Andi2027

By the way, the messages that I found during May were suggestive such as "Would you give me a kiss" "I might" etc. Hence hardcode such as "I want to kiss your body", or "I bet we would be great in bed together" got after that.


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## Blacksmith01

I still say tell his wife but that is up to you in the end.Set fire to his world. I like the idea of the poly and at a minimum your wife going to counseling for herself. I hope things start moving forward you.


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## GusPolinski

Andi2027 said:


> Guys I really want to stay with my family, but I'm not a fool. *By the way the night that I scanned her old phone she formatted the new one. She told me that she did not want me to see the sexual conversation she had with him after that (bought the new phone during May BTW.)* She also insisted that, as I will realise from the phone history which will provide me with, the texting got much less frequent after June, furthermore never after working hours.


Not good.

Keep digging.


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## Evinrude58

So, you want to stay married? Then tell the other man's wife and to heck with your reputation. You're more worried about your rep. Than your marriage?

Please tell me you're not believing that this never went physical?
She said she "almost did" but didn't..... Geez... 
I can't wait for the polygraph she's praying won't happen. You could create a small nuclear explosion from that polygraph machine if she says it never went physical.

Don't you understand your wife is a LIAR? She is only telling you this because she's been thinking about it and knows da** well you wouldn't believe what she's told you so far. So now it's "I went to the pool but didn't jump in, gag, eh?

She's gone from not even liking the guy to almost having sex with him in a few days. 

It was a year!
The OM CRIED!!!!!!!!

You do what you want. You'll be back telling everyone in a month that they were going at it like bunnies.

The good news: I think you still have a chance to stay married if you want to. She seems like she might possibly be remorseful, if only due to the fact he is married and she knows there isn't a future with this guy. Or, the sex with him wasn't all that....

But the way this has gone down so far---- yes, they had sex and you still haven't heard the truth. When are you going to have her take a polygraph? Follow through with that! If you don't tell the OM's wife, you are both wrong and stupid. Personally, I would do it out of revenge because I'm a weak person, too. But I'd make that jerk wish he hadn't ignored the fact that his little mistress was married. 

Justy my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite

nursejackie said:


> I'll add one more perspective from the wayward spouses point of view to Losing Him's already spot on post...
> 
> There is so much more than she is willing to tell you.
> 
> She loves you and she is infatuated with the OM. They both cried because they knew the jig was up and they have to choose between the chemicals that each other deliver and the sanctity of their marriages.
> 
> She doesn't know what the "deal breaker" for you would be. She will do anything she can to tell you as little as possible. Every new disclosure may be the "deal breaker" so she will trickle truth you to death.
> 
> When I broke it off I fell down on my knees and prayed that I could get through that first part. I knew it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't moral. It was deplorable. I knew it was me wanting everything and like a spoiled immature brat it hurt like hell to give it up.
> 
> It is possible to come through this if both of you want it.


Dear @nursejackie and @LosingHim,

I have been posting here on occasion for a few years, and I haven't anything to say that could equal your two posts. I would just add to what you said that the problem is, when you are in it as you were, it is the most real thing in the world. What is it that makes us behave like immature brats? What makes us act so selfishly? It's not just an absence of morality. That's way too easy an answer. There's something about doing the deed and doing it again, and then again. Then it no longer seems like a choice. You're hooked and you'll give it up only kicking and screaming. 

I hate generalization but I think we are selfish creatures by nature and if someone we meet allows us to give free reign to that part of ourselves we can do some pretty bad things to the ones we love, including telling them --and ourselves-- that we don't love them anymore. 

OP: You cannot trust your wife right now. She's in panic. And for god's sake STOP the sexual frenzy. You need distance, perspective, and you won't ever get it as long as you and the WW are shtooking the daylights out of each other.


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## eric1

Stop letting her dictate tt conversation and stop accepting her words. You need to end the affair and then you need to verify the truth.

Let her boyfriend's wife know immediately, she is a big girl and can decide on how/if to expose public ally.

Then take your wife up on the poly. Watch her face when you do accept her offer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

Are you both churchgoers?

I think a confession might be due.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparta

Andi2027 said:


> Guys I really want to stay with my family, but I'm not a fool. By the way the night that I scanned her old phone she formatted the new one. She told me that she did not want me to see the sexual conversation she had with him after that (bought the new phone during May BTW.) She also insisted that, as I will realise from the phone history which will provide me with, the texting got much less frequent after June, furthermore never after working hours.


 Listen really good every BS come here just like you know different just like your story. Read the other threads, you'll notice what they have in common in the beginning. Just talk, text, kissed it was just it was innocent... I swear nothing physical never went physical. Every OP
"I think I'm going to believe her" usually by their next post. I found out everything guys you guys were right.! it's a lot worse. So OP is your story going to be any different. unfortunately The worst pain will not come from the affair or if it went physically, How capable your wife's trying to cover it up, protecting the OM and the amount of lying and deceiving from her. you will soon discover... Remember she has lost all the respect she had for the marriage and you. Good news is you're here, you don't have to walk through this alone.!
_Posted via iPhone_


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## MattMatt

I was lucky in that I was not in a position to accidentally find out about my wife's affair.

Yes, she told me in advance that she was going to have an affair.

Had I found out by accident? I don't think I would have taken it well. Kudos to those who did and who can keep it together so well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter

And I,

The answer is SIMPLE for you.

She said she would take a polygraph. DO IT!!!!

She does not want you seeing those messages because she knows what they say.

Nothnig wrong with wanting to keep your family together. Great idea!

BUT NOT IF SHE HAS NOT TOLD THE ENTIRE TRUTH.

As far as reliable. Nothing is foolproof, but the results have a better chance of being reliable than what she is telling you.

What normally happens is, she will agree to the test, then release some more details hoping you will cancel it. N o matter what she tells you go through with it.


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## bandit.45

Andi2027 said:


> New data. I asked her for the phone records and she suddenly confessed that she have been texting with him for the last year. She nevertheless said that actual flirting only took place over two months. She also admitted that she was attracted to this guy but she insisted that nothing physical happened. She said that now that now that she is losing me she understood how she loves me and how broken she would be ...........and other crazy ****. I must note that, especially my older son is very attached to me and he will be divested if I left. I think I'm loosing it guys.


It's called trickle truth. 


There is more. And more. And more. And more. Fed in increments. Like Chinese water totrure. 

Drip, drip, drip ,drip....

The only way to end the torment it is to slap divorce papers down in front of her and tell her if she does not come 100% clean and take a Poly she is out on her ear.


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## bandit.45

Andi2027 said:


> BTW she told me that if I wanted to go she will accept it. She also told me that since is her fault I can decide for everything (kids, house financial etc.). Furthermore she decided that she would like to tell everything to her mother, and sister. She also told me that if I stay we should go to couples therapy/counselling.


Um, no Andi...

She goes. Not you. Why should you have to leave the house you worked to pay for?


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## ivory

Andi2027 said:


> BTW she told me that if I wanted to go she will accept it. She also told me that since is her fault I can decide for everything (kids, house financial etc.).


Nice calming words on her part but I'll take Vegas betting odds against that. Why would she? Once the split is certain and she lawyers up then its all business. 



Andi2027 said:


> Furthermore she decided that she would like to tell everything to her mother, and sister. She also told me that if I stay we should go to couples therapy/counselling.


That's a good sign. My call is that to trust but verify. The alternative of swapping up would just bring different problems. At least you know what you have with this gal.


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## eric1

Yes... Definitely a good sign but I think we can all agree that's all those are.

Take her up on every single one of her offers. 

Trust us, even if you feel she is being honest there will always be a nagging 'what if?' Or other lingering doubt.

If you can get the 100% truth and KNOW that you got the 100% truth then your healing will be orders of magnitude better.

Most importantly is to watch her face when you accept the offer of the poly. 

The divorce papers sound like an over-reaction but you truly need something to protect against this going on for years. Trickle truth will ruin you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Divorce papers are not an overreaction. 

When a client doesn't pay me, I file a pre-lien. When they continue not to,pay, I file a lien. Not to be aa jerk, but to,show them I will take them to court to protect MY interests. There is a marked lack of respect she has been showing him and often times the only way to get that respect back is to visibly demonstrate that you will follow through with what you say. Women, especially, want to see follow-through before they respect a man. 

I'm glad she's starting to show some guilt, but she is far from remorse and still in her fog. The only way OP is going to guide her out of the fog is by showing her what she stands to lose.


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## Andi2027

She seemed relieved when I accepted the Poly saying that this will be the beginning of a new start for us. I don't know guys.


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## MattMatt

MattMatt said:


> Are you both churchgoers?
> 
> I think a confession might be due.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Andi2027 said:


> She seemed relieved when I accepted the Poly saying that this will be the beginning of a new start for us. I don't know guys.


Then arrange for the Polygraph and take it from there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice

PreRaphaelite said:


> Dear @nursejackie and @LosingHim,
> 
> I have been posting here on occasion for a few years, and I haven't anything to say that could equal your two posts. I would just add to what you said that the problem is, when you are in it as you were, it is the most real thing in the world. What is it that makes us behave like immature brats? What makes us act so selfishly? It's not just an *absence of morality*. That's way too easy an answer. There's something about doing the deed and doing it again, and then again. Then it no longer seems like a choice. You're hooked and you'll give it up only kicking and screaming.
> 
> I hate generalization but I think we are selfish creatures by nature and if someone we meet allows us to give free reign to that part of ourselves we can do some pretty bad things to the ones we love, including telling them --and ourselves-- that we don't love them anymore.
> 
> OP: You cannot trust your wife right now. She's in panic. And for god's sake STOP the sexual frenzy. You need distance, perspective, and you won't ever get it as long as you and the WW are shtooking the daylights out of each other.


No, it is an absence of mentality.

OP.
We all make decisions based on a process. This process varies significantly from person to person relative to their ability to process data. You see, like a computer, we arrive at conclusions based on how the data is processed. Simple decisions that require little processing are easy, like what to have for dinner.

These decisions have relatively few variables and require less processing ability. Monumental decisions, such as cheating, conversely have a myriad of variables which must be carefully considered before the decision is reached. Much higher processing ability is necessary to handle all of that data. Therein lies the problem.

One of the first main stream computers incorporated an 8086 processor. Its processing speed and data transfer rates were limited to its physical capabilities. As processors evolved, those limitations lessened as their speed and ability to utilize larger amounts of data increased. New programs were then written to utilize this increased ability. 

The human brain is no different. As we grow from infancy there is constant development in our brains. Input is absorbed and stored which causes an increase in our neural network, both in neurons and the synapses that connect them, those being likened to a FSB (front side bus).

In a computer, these connections are hardwired and unchangeable and there number is predetermined by engineering. Once wired, the computer will operate under those parameters for its lifetime. In a human brain, these connections are also hardwired by growth. There number is not predetermined since they are "formed" as input and demand necessitates, as we grow and are exposed to stimuli. Once wired (cessation of growth) the brain will operate under those parameters for life.

If, during the formative process of growing, the stimuli experienced was not of sufficient quantity and quality to cause a highly developed neural network then retarded development occurs. This is quite prevalent in our world today as we, in the quest to make life easier, remove the necessary stimuli that has increased our cognitive development throughout our evolution.

So then, what we are left with is a culture wherein many individuals "do the wrong thing" not because they "choose" to do wrong but rather because they lack the mental ability to process such complex data sufficiently to arrive at the proper conclusion and therefore they, quite literally, have no choice.

In such individuals, the tools we use to communicate, logic, reason and rationale, are simply ineffective. We then must revert to a baser language which they can understand. Threats, coercion, fear and the like. So, in an effort to bring about the desired results, we do the 180, threaten divorce, instill fear by exposing and so forth.

This is our reality. I welcome you to my world although I deeply regret your having to live here.


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## Andi2027

No church goers. The retard is a church goer though


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## Marc878

Fvck it, I'd just expose to his wife. You are over thinking this.

You have an EA there are consequences. Period. 

She had an EA no consequences. There are other jobs. In reality you are affraid of your wife and come across as weak. Which I'm sure she has noticed and is taking full advantage of.

If it were me I'd not say a word just send OM's wife the evidence. Let them deal with it.


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## Andi2027

Nope, no other jobs at this point


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## Andi2027

And think about his wife screaming to mine in the office that she is a *****. We are a small society and I have children. Causing more pain to my family is just as spitting to my face. My wife was wrong period, she could have just tell him to go away in the first place. Now the important thing for me is to find our the truth for which I hope the Poly will help. When I finish with this I will see if and how I would like to get revenge.


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## workindad

I would definitely follow thru with the polygraph. Do not give her the date in advance and make certain that you permit the opportunity for a parking lot confession.

You think you have the whole story now, I doubt it, but maybe. Your wife is trickle truthing you to this point- a little more information followed by more details. What a cheater hopes to accomplish is to finally give just enough details that you think you know everything and they can still hide/lie about the rest.

Take her up on her offers. 

Also, POSOM's wife- she deserves to know. Why should you reward POSOM with no consequences for his actions? He certainly didn't do you or your family any favors. You owe that D-bag nothing. As for your wife, if her own actions are embarrassing to her, then she needs to own that- not you.

Bottom line- definitely do the polygraph. It is a consequence and your best shot at uncovering more lies from your wife. Sorry, but she has proven time again that she will lie to you about this. You just simply cannot take her word for it now.


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## bfree

Andi, with all that you have posted...the year timeline, formatting her new phone, both your wife's and the OM's reactions, the trickle truth, etc. I find it virtually impossible to believe that some sort of physical contact has not occurred. In the years I've been on TAM I've seen many threats of a poly and yet only one person has actually gone through with it. The others have either confessed once a testing date was scheduled or they changed their minds and backed out because they knew they would fail. I suggest you wrap your mind around the fact that some sort of sexual contact has already occurred and proceed from there. Tell your wife that after giving it more thought you don't believe her and you think they had sex. Tell her since she has already betrayed you it is on her to prove otherwise. Tell her if she comes 100% clean and bares her soul you might consider allowing her to stay with you. Tell her every day that goes by where you do not have the complete truth is going to make it harder for your marriage to survive.


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## drifting on

Andi

Your falling for her crap, she has lured and satisfied you with sex, she knows now if she stalks this will all pass. You should have gone to her work, you would see who she wants the most by contacting them first. Sorry Andi, she would have called or texted OM first, that's who she loves and is loyal too. You're wife would have panicked along with OM, they wouldn't expect such a bold move on your part. Especially your wife, she thinks now she is in the clear. 

OP, you need to take decisive action, schedule the poly and begin filling out divorce papers. Invite hers and yours families over and have her tell them AFTER she takes the poly. Have her explain in detail how she has cheated on you. By formatting the phone she is five steps ahead of you. You should have taken it from her. Your saving grace now is you can look at her and tell her I can't forgive what I know nothing about. If she tells you about the texts, tell her there is no chance you can trust her word now. Every action she has taken is to prevent you from getting the truth. 

You need to expose to the OM's wife, hopefully she can get his phone and you can see just how bad this is. If your wife is shamed, too bad, if you react strongly your family won't be shamed. Remember, OM's wife is going to feel just like you, and her family will be shamed too. Stop using excuses and take you wife down a few notches. Also, MC is a joke right now, she needs to fix herself first. 

This goes according to you OP, not her, she has no say. What would you go to MC for? I'll tell you why, because she is going to blame you for all you didn't do. Tell her you will navigate yourselves through this mess. She lost that the minute she made a terrible choice, then continued it for over a year. Also because she lied, she can't be trusted to make a good decision. Good luck OP, the path you are taking is going to be more painful then if you took control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi2027

If she is successful with the poly shall I believe her?


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## TDSC60

Andi2027 said:


> She seemed relieved when I accepted the Poly saying that this will be the beginning of a new start for us. I don't know guys.


I don't know anything about your culture or community so you have to decide what is best for you and your family as it applies to your situation.

Just be aware that the "Cheater's Script" is a 95% proven constant that crosses national and cultural boundaries. Cheaters almost always follow the script closely.

Is it possible that your wife is being truthful? Yes, it is possible. But the odds are that there is more she is not telling you. On the other hand, you could be in that 5% that does not follow the script.

Administer the poly. If you are not completely satisfied, do a second one. Polygraphs are only as good as the examiner who does them and how the questions are worded.

Good luck.


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## GusPolinski

Andi2027 said:


> She seemed relieved when I accepted the Poly saying that this will be the beginning of a new start for us. I don't know guys.


Well, she's either telling the truth, is determined to have told the truth (or more of it) by the time the poly rolls around (and may delay that to the point that you wind up w/ the classic "parking lot confession"), or she's pretty confident in her ability to pass a poly even while lying.

Either way, be on the lookout for any Google/web searches along the lines of "how to pass a poly".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist

GusPolinski said:


> Well, she's either telling the truth, is determined to have told the truth (or more of it) by the time the poly rolls around (and may delay that to the point that you wind up w/ the classic "parking lot confession"), or she's pretty confident in her ability to pass a poly even while lying.
> 
> Either way, be on the lookout for any Google/web searches along the lines of "how to pass a poly".


Right, but I would still be digging (secretly) after that phone formatting, which stinks to high heaven. I can't imagine an innocent reason for that.


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## GusPolinski

technovelist said:


> Right, but I would still be digging (secretly) after that phone formatting, which stinks to high heaven. I can't imagine an innocent reason for that.


Abso-freaking-lutely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi2027

Well she said that she was in shock and did not want me to see the more dirty talking.


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## Evinrude58

Andi2027 said:


> If she is successful with the poly shall I believe her?


Yes, problem is, she'll never make it to the poly. She'll either confess or back out at the last minute.

I think I'd probably go see the crybaby again while holding a letter to his wife and get the truth outa him.

You sure haven't got it from your wife. And I don't know if I'd let a job break up my marriage. I'd tell the OM's wife and move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi2027

Be assured guys that the other guy will disappear. He will not risk anymore for her. No emotions from his side at all. Of course one would say that even if she passes the poly, and I decide to keep her I must have a close eye on her


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## MattMatt

Andi2027 said:


> If she is successful with the poly shall I believe her?


So long as the right questions were asked.

Jeremy Kyle in the UK uses a simple three question format.

1 Since you married Andi have you ever passionately kissed someone else?
2 since you married Andi have you ever had sexual contact with anyone other than Andi?
3 Since you got married have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than Andi?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on

You need to tell OM's wife, I don't get you on this, it's not about revenge. Please don't consider revenge at this point, it's wasteful energy at best. You need the truth so you can even consider what you will be revengeful for. Did you tell your wife that deleting the texts makes her more guilty? Was she bashing you to this OM? Was she sending nude pictures? She can't prove squat to you and you are NICE about it. You need to tell her now if any new revelation comes after today you will divorce and expose to the entire village or city or whatever. why should OM's wife live a lie? Your wife earned her shame from OM's wife. Keep in mind if your wife gets fired OM most likely will too. In other words your wife's company will use a different messenger. 

I understand your fear, I didn't want to make that phone call either, but I did, and it was the best thing I could have done. You can tell OM's wife to stay away from your wife, or you will go after her husband if you think she will. But stop giving in to fear, you will lose everything with decisions based on fear.

And the polygraph test, she won't pass, you keep getting more information as you go. It was physical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Recover the messages from her old phone.

Make a polygraph appointment. You can tell her the date, but don't tell her the name/address of the company, or ANYTHING about the questions that she'll be asked.

Has she told you everything? Maybe, but doubtful. Is there a chance that you will still end up hearing, or finding out that your WS and the OM had sexual contact. YES.

I know that you want to believe her. I don't know you and I want to believe that what she's told you so far is everything. But we've been 'round this block dozens of times here on TAM. If your wife has told you everything already, we'll be very surprised. Happy for you, but still surprised.


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## Evinrude58

I am in total agreement that you aren't telling OM's wife FOR revenge. You're telling her because she should know, and because the OM will be totally out of the picture as far as your wife is concerned. This relationship could be dormant, or still be active. All you know about their relationship is what your cheating wife told you. You know you don't have the full story.

But if you think I would cry because the OM wiukd feel some heat at home--- I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over him. 

One last thing--- do you really think after all this, the OM's wife won't find out eventually? Sure she will/-- you did!

Bring the rain, fellow. There needs to be some rain in OM's life as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTurn

Andi,
greek island also .

I get what you are afraid of but you need to understand that the affair is like a drug.

Your WW is like a drug addict , she will say-do anything in order to make you think
that it's over,she may even believe it at the time,but once things calm down she will start looking 
for her Hi again.It's what we call the fog.

In order for her to snap out of this fog she needs to feel consequences and the best cosequence is exposure.
the bigger it is, the faster it kills the affair fog and brings the WS in reality

.She needs to feel the shame and pain of what she did ,not only from you ,but from the OM wife.She needs to see that the OM
will throw her under the bus in order to save his sorry @ss.

I know it's hard but if you want your wife and marriage you have to do it.She needs it.


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## just got it 55

Andi2027 said:


> No church goers. The *retard *is a church goer though


Hey Andi You can't say the R word but you can say fvcking d bag idiot.

Hit your WW hard and fast Listen to Bandit45

55


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## just got it 55

Andi2027 said:


> And think about his wife screaming to mine in the office that she is a *****. We are a small society and I have children. Causing more pain to my family is just as spitting to my face. My wife was wrong period, she could have just tell him to go away in the first place. Now the important thing for me is to find our the truth for which I hope the Poly will help. When I finish with this I will see if and how I would like to get revenge.


Andi most revenge is short lived and regretful

The best is a life well lived however way you find that

You really should consider exposure It's not for revenge it's to help you get to the truth.

55


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## just got it 55

Andi2027 said:


> Well she said that she was in shock and did not want me to see the more dirty talking.


Classic Bullsh!t

55


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## Be smart

I am sad for you my friend. You know why ?

First of all your wife is using sex hoping you will forgive her. 

Second thing - she bought a new phone,not letting you see messages from the old one,saying it is "dirty". It is ANOTHER lie from her mouth,she didnt want you to see that this is PA going for a long time.

Third thing - you need to expose her. I am not saying you put it on BBC,FOX,CNN just tell this to your family,close friends and OMs wife. She deserves to know and after all OM have to suffer a little bit.

You said OM have no emotional conection with your wife. IT IS TRUE,because he used her just to boost his ego and someone who will do and talk things with him,which his wife refused to do.

On other hand your wife fall so hard for him and his bullsh77 story. Do you remember her talk "I dont like him..........boom one year Affair"


Go for Polly. It is only around 500 Euros. 

Your wife have to show you how sorry she was and I am not talking about SEX PART.


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## Evinrude58

just got it 55 said:


> Classic Bullsh!t
> 
> 55


Just wanted to see it again. Yes! Classic bs. We've heard all that stuff before. Your wife was having an affair. She's not Mary popping and stopped just short of sex because she's such a good girl. If there was dirty stuff on her phone she couldn't let you see, guess what? If you're texting dirty stuff, you're thinking dirty stuff. And lately, you're DOING dirty stuff. The OM has nude pics of your wife. I'd bet my next paycheck on it.

Expose for the good of your family.

Stop stalling and do it. You're making this easy for her. If she's having all that sex with you, she still feels something for you. Expose and save your marriage, bro! I would have loved having the chance you have!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andi2027

Just for the records, I saw the messages in her old phone (Pre May). What she deleted were the messages in her new phone (After May). To be fair until April the messages were like "How is your day" and crap like this. During may it got more sensual such as "I need to see you". Then obviously it got heavier and she admitted that she receive texts such as "Me and you would be great in sex" or "When I see you I get hard"


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## Andi2027

As for the nude pics I don't think she is that dump (considering that she knows his wife)


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## Evinrude58

You saw the not so bad. If you saw the recent ones, you'd know without a doubt. Hence, you don't get to see them. They're gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas

Maybe you should tell the wife. 

Your wife may lose her job but she can find another one, right?

I think you should consider divorce. There is so much trust broken and it's likely going to end her career, which will cause resentment.


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## bfree

Andi2027 said:


> Just for the records, I saw the messages in her old phone (Pre May). What she deleted were the messages in her new phone (After May). To be fair until April the messages were like "How is your day" and crap like this. During may it got more sensual such as "I need to see you". Then obviously it got heavier and she admitted that she receive texts such as "Me and you would be great in sex" or "When I see you I get hard"


So then the messages she deleted in her new phone would most likely have confirmed the physical aspect of their relationship. You must assume that this is the case unless proven otherwise.


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## Be smart

You trust her to much my friend.

Also you are defending your wife. 

Next time you post you will say "it was all my fault. I pushed my wife to have an Affair".

You have to slow down and start thinking with your BIG HEAD. Like I said she is using sex to blind you and she is using it so great reading your posts.

You saw some of the messages but ask yourself why would she delete the other ones ? Because it went to PA and she wants to hide it from you.

You think to much about your reputation and what will other people think about you and your wife.

If they think you made a bad decision telling about Affair to family,close friends and OMs wife then they are not your "friends" or people you should care about. Just saying.

This is your life,not some move or game so start acting my friend.


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## Andi2027

I will ask again. Will the poly (if successful) prove otherwise?


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## tech-novelist

Andi2027 said:


> I will ask again. Will the poly (if successful) prove otherwise?


Not with certainty.

I would take that old phone and see if anything can be recovered from it. @GusPolinski is the expert on this.


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## MattMatt

Andi2027 said:


> I will ask again. Will the poly (if successful) prove otherwise?


If it proves she physically cheated you will know she was a cheat. 

However if it proves she did not physically cheat, then that will prove it was an emotional affair only. Which is bad enough to be honest. 

This latter result will mean that you will have a basis for going forward with couple's counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

You're hoping it will prove her innocent of physical. She was having a physical affair or you'd have seen the messages. If she was scheduled for a rendezvous and backed out, there would be texts to prove this. She'd have at least screenshot those and showed you.

Oh, you didn't see those. I don't wonder why. 

I know it hurts. Honestly, an emotional affair is just as bad as physical in my opinion. It isn't in your mind and I understand that. You either can, or can't forgive either. 

The exposure and polygraph will answer all your questions, and it will very likely stop the affair FOR GOOD. You're thinking it's stopped already. You're just as likely give wrong than right.
You don't really have a choice on this, you just think you do. It will be exposed, one way or another. People find out. If you divorce, it will be exposed. 

Your best bet to stay with your wife is to expose her to OM's wife. If all on your island is as you say, they will want to keep this private just like you. So maybe your wife will get yelled at by her privately. Ask the OM's wife to deal with your wife privately. Surely she'll see the sense of that. 

I do wish you luck. You love your wife. She has been lying to you for a long time. Don't let her keep lying and take away any chance you have of outting this behind you. 

Yes, the polygraph will tell you. Schedule it. You'll never see her take it. You'll get a confession or she'll back out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

Andi2027 said:


> As for the nude pics I don't think she is that dump (considering that she knows his wife)


Are you kidding me? Woman in affairs turn into complete wh0res for their affair partner. Read the threads, countless times I've read of WWs on TAM, LS, SI, and other places doing acts with their POS that their husband begged and was denied. When they're under the influence of the chemicals that the brain releases during an affair, they lose their common sense. 

You need to recover those deleted text. To understand what you're forgiving. Just so you know, sexting is to keep the pot boiling during times that they can't sneak of together. Which means they were physical.

I agree with the others that you must expose to her family & influential friends. Not in a vengeful way but in a help me save my marriage way. Also you MUST tell the POS's wife. Once again it's not to get revenge. It's to have another set of eyes on the 2 of them. POS will be to busy dealing with his wife's wrath that he won't dare to further pursue your wife. Because as it stands now, with no consequences, they can start again once the dust clears. It is VERY common for affairs to restart when they think the coast is clear.


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## bfree

Andi2027 said:


> I will ask again. Will the poly (if successful) prove otherwise?


Honestly that all depends on you. She committed infidelity. She betrayed you. She has admitted to doing everything up to actually having sex. Many people consider what she has already admitted to doing as bad as if she had followed through with her plans. If I were in your current situation I would use a passed poly test as the foundation for the beginnings of an attempted reconciliation. I would still demand transparency and total honesty. That means no more lies, no more deleted texts. Any breach of trust going forward would end the reconciliation. I would demand counseling, both IC and MC. I would insist on gps tracking so that I could verify her whereabouts at all times. If she has girls night out that would end as would any work social times such as drinks after work, work parties etc. Basically she would have to prove to me that she is trustworthy ava that she has placed my healing above all other concerns.


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## Be smart

On what Island do you live my friend ?

It seems to me like there is not a lot of people there and you are scared to tell this to your own mother and father,sister or brother or in laws. 

Like I said you dont have to yell to the world. You only tell people that you are close with and ask them for help. 

If they blame you then you will know they are not your friends or friends of your marriage. Simple as that.

About OMs wife,she deserves to know my friend. She is in the same shoes just like you.
When she finds out she is going to be your real friend and she can help you a lot,belive me.

Polly is a good thing. Will cost you around 500 Euros. Go for it before she changes her mind.


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## GusPolinski

Andi2027 said:


> I will ask again. Will the poly (if successful) prove otherwise?


Not necessarily, which is why they're typically not admissable in court.



technovelist said:


> Not with certainty.
> 
> I would take that old phone and see if anything can be recovered from it. @GusPolinski is the expert on this.


Guys, come on. I'm not a wizard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

You are quoting several dirty texts that she is telling you OM sent to her. Has she told you about texts she sent to him? From what you are saying, her texts to him are probably as bad or worse than what he was sending to her. The depth of her involvement and a possible PA is what she is trying to hide from you.

Also be aware that one poly may not be enough. One poster had his wife take a poly and it confirmed she had a physical affair. It took a second poly for him to get the details (where they met to have sex, how often, when the sex started).

Either way, you are in charge now and you have to satisfy yourself as to what you need to know and what you have to do about it.


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## TDSC60

GusPolinski said:


> Not necessarily, which is why they're typically not admissable in court.
> 
> 
> 
> *Guys, come on. I'm not a wizard.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are as close as we have here - unless Harry Potter signed up and I haven't seen him post yet.


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## farsidejunky

Andi2027 said:


> Well she said that she was in shock and did not want me to see the more dirty talking.


You need no more than this.

Your reputation is more important than your marriage apparently. 

The nature of your community would make exposure even more effective.

But you want to have your cake and eat it too. Both you and your wife have that in common.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## D.H Mosquito

Andi2027 said:


> Be assured guys that the other guy will disappear. He will not risk anymore for her. No emotions from his side at all. Of course one would say that even if she passes the poly, and I decide to keep her I must have a close eye on her


There will be no emotional involvement as it's sex hot hard wild uninhibited raw sex the kind she doesn't give you I know this as i have already been here in your situation, stop making it easy for them by thinking he has gone he/she are just lying low until this little storm passes as you have already stated wanting to protect her and your families reputation they know this and will use it to get their fun, This isn't about her wanting to leave as he is married and doesn't want a divorce just no strings attached fun just be aware of this possibility


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## Be smart

TDSC60 said:


> You are quoting several dirty texts that she is telling you OM sent to her. Has she told you about texts she sent to him? From what you are saying, her texts to him are probably as bad or worse than what he was sending to her. The depth of her involvement and a possible PA is what she is trying to hide from you.
> 
> THIS.
> 
> The true betrayal is in her replays. Little secrets and little talk about them,you and OMs wife,places they go and things they do.
> 
> If you can recover those messages go for it. You will never find peace with yourself until you do it.


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## drifting on

Andi

Look it's no secret your thread here is truggering the hell out of me. So I apologize if you took offense to my posts. Here is the deal though, your wife is at a minimum three steps ahead of you. Do you think she is not in contact with OM? Do you know if he still visits her workplace? Is she contacting him to arrange for messenger runs from her work phone? Now ask yourself this, did my wife lie to me? Did she try to erase all evidence of the affair? DO I TRUST HER?

Your wife could be in contact each and every day since you found out. You can't tell me or anyone else she hasn't, because you CAN'T verify the work communication. Did your wife think to format her phone or did someone suggest this to her? Hint, OM!! What do you think OM is doing with his phone? Hint, format!! Do you see now how she is way ahead of you? Do you want to know the truth? Then go get it, contact OM's wife today. Tell her what is happening. Maybe she can get phone records you couldn't. Maybe you will see photos were sent. Don't give me the lame ass excuse that your wife didn't send nude photos because she works with OM's wife. If you take your head out of the sand you'll see your wife had an affair and it didn't matter if his wife was sitting on your wife's lap, it added to the thrill. 

Look my wife had an affair at work, we work for the same company but different buildings. Do you think OM would care about nude photos because j worked there too? No, OM had sex with my wife at work, knowing I could show up at any time!! It added to their thrill. Tell OM's wife, your wife will get extremely mad at you, but ask yourself why? Because you killed the affair, because you took control, and because you took decisive action. Your wife takes every opportunity to keep you from the truth, why shouldn't you seek that truth through another source?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

I'd tell the guys wife just to see the fir fly. What you can tell your wife is you want to believe her and do believe her to an extent. But if she is withholding anything that's later revealed to you, via the polygraph or otherwise, is over. So if there is anything else, confess it now.


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## Imovedforthis

hmmm.... 

your wife is totally lying to you... if she can't give you full disclosure on every single last freaking detail that happened before during and after this affair- then she's lying... probably bc she's still hiding her affair. Who cares if she doesn't want you to read details and stuff? if YOU do then you should be able too. She should also show you where she has sent him messages ending their relationship or proof of blocking him... if not then go ahead and know it's not over.. yet. 

OM cried? wow.. yes he is scared ****less you are going to tell his wife. my guess is he was just having his fun but not really interested in leaving his wife for said fun... you need to let his wife know. Who cares if she yells at your wife, while at work? Your wife deserves it...
how else did she meet this OM? let me guess, through work, through the wife, you know- the one you now won't tell what her husband is doing behind her back. That seems cowardly and a bit messed up on your part. 

I don't know if running straight to a poly is your answer.. what if you find out she was lying... then what?


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## NoChoice

OP,
Your logical mind is still trying to reason out what your W did/did not do or what she would/would not do. This is based on your expectation of her rationalization of the events. This is an assumption that many BSs make in the beginning. However, as I said before, there is no logic in wonderland. Your wife has fallen down the rabbit hole and you are trying to understand/communicate with her from a reality based perspective. It is not possible as logic and reason do not apply where she currently resides.

Logically, if there was any evidence on her phone that could prove out her claims of innocence would she not want you to see it? Why would she delete information that would corroborate her story? My wife has sworn on all things holy, as she looked me right in the eye, that things were a certain way. I later found out that they were not that way at all and yet she held to her lies, even in the light of undeniable evidence to the contrary. There is no rational thought in wonderland.

She would not send nude pics because she works with OM's wife? Perhaps not in your world but in wonderland.......? None of us here want your wife to be cheating on you but the actions you have described suggest, rather strongly, that she is. We just want to help you see it and understand it, as much as any rational person can.


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## tom67

ThePheonix said:


> I'd tell the guys wife just to see the fir fly. What you can tell your wife is you want to believe her and do believe her to an extent. But if she is withholding anything that's later revealed to you, via the polygraph or otherwise, is over. So if there is anything else, confess it now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Divinely Favored

You verified the cell was factory reset?

Does she have it backed up to the cloud?

She should quit if you are not going to have the decency to tell his wife...they will continue to see each other as he comes to the office for deliveries or to see his own wife.

With out his wife knowing and keeping an eye on him he will keep pursuing your wife by just showing up and being around her.

Remember she said she was attracted to him. So her just seeing him coming by her work is going to keep her interest alive.


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## Thundarr

Andi2027 said:


> She seemed relieved when I accepted the Poly saying that this will be the beginning of a new start for us. I don't know guys.


Fingers crossed. You absolutely have to follow through with this for your own piece of mind. Don't get your hopes up though because this situation doesn't add up.


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## LosingHim

Just because she agreed to a poly does not mean that she's telling the truth. She could easily just be hoping that SAYING she will is enough for you to drop it. She probably doesn't think you'll go through with it and will likely be pissed if you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

LosingHim said:


> Just because *she agreed to a poly does not mean that she's telling the truth. She could easily just be hoping that SAYING she will is enough for you to drop it.* She probably doesn't think you'll go through with it and will likely be pissed if you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Willingness to do a poly only means she's calling your bluff that you won't go through with it. She knows you well. She's been sexing you up to weaken your resolve. 

Better than a poly, is retrieving those text. I would take the phone to a hacker. Just because the phone was reformatted doesn't mean the info is erased. Probably for cheaper than a poly, you get her real thoughts instead of a yes or no answers.


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## eric1

Take possession of the phone and tell her that there is a firm who may be able to undelete some of the texts. Her face will tell her everything that you need to know.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## gouge_away

Obviously her and the other man are still in contact.

His lies match up to her lies, when she lied about it only being 1 month, and it really lasted a year... The OM gave you the same BS lie...

No surprise they both say it didn't go physical, but you saw the tears of a man, obviously he knows you hold the stick that can crush his life... If it was just flirting... He wouldn't be afraid of having his life crushed...

Point is, she and other man are working together against you... Until you burn that bridge... She will never be on your side. EXPOSE HIM to his spouse... Bridge burned.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## workindad

gouge_away said:


> Obviously her and the other man are still in contact.
> 
> His lies match up to her lies, when she lied about it only being 1 month, and it really lasted a year... The OM gave you the same BS lie...
> 
> No surprise they both say it didn't go physical, but you saw the tears of a man, obviously he knows you hold the stick that can crush his life... If it was just flirting... He wouldn't be afraid of having his life crushed...
> 
> Point is, she and other man are working together against you... Until you burn that bridge... She will never be on your side. EXPOSE HIM to his spouse... Bridge burned.
> 
> "Giggity Giggity!"


You know, this is spot on. I missed the story setting. In order for them to both tell you the same lie separately- they prepared and planned their lies to you.

POSOM was likely sh!tting his britches because there is more than simple flirting.

I also think losinghim is correct. She's probably hoping that agreeing to take a poly will mean you never do it. You need to follow thru on this.

I also very much like the idea of taking her phone and letting her know you are going to have messages recovered by a professional. 

You will get your answers.

And yes, if she passes the polygraph and her story stops changing, then I would believe her. Until then, no way.


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## MattMatt

If if is an Android phone the images are I think automatically backed up to Google either Picasa or Google pictures. Or G+ or somewhere. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Your logical mind is still trying to reason out what your W did/did not do or what she would/would not do. This is based on your expectation of her rationalization of the events. This is an assumption that many BSs make in the beginning.* However, as I said before, there is no logic in wonderland. Your wife has fallen down the rabbit hole and you are trying to understand/communicate with her from a reality based perspective. It is not possible as logic and reason do not apply where she currently resides.
> *
> Logically, if there was any evidence on her phone that could prove out her claims of innocence would she not want you to see it? Why would she delete information that would corroborate her story?* My wife has sworn on all things holy, as she looked me right in the eye, that things were a certain way.* I later found out that they were not that way at all and yet she held to her lies, even in the light of undeniable evidence to the contrary. There is no rational thought in wonderland.


OP,

Very true statement. The "Candyland Effect" is a real. Just go ahead and throw Reasonable and Rational out the window. The things my wife willingly said and did with her APs even shocked her once the truth was out. Somewhere between all aboard the Crazy Train and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 

BTW, I personally got the old "Hand on Bible" lie also.


----------



## drifting on

Andi

How are you doing today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

Andi2027 said:


> Just for the records, I saw the messages in her old phone (Pre May). What she deleted were the messages in her new phone (After May). To be fair until April the messages were like "How is your day" and crap like this. During may it got more sensual such as "I need to see you". Then obviously it got heavier and she admitted that she receive texts such as "Me and you would be great in sex" or "When I see you I get hard"


You need to understand cheater logic.

See, she's attracted to him. Enough to risk your marriage if you find out.

And she's thinking about having sex with him. Constantly, probably.

She's already taken the risk with the dirty texts, why not go all the way? What's the additional net risk?

Plus being horny for him...

Well, you can figure out the rest. The net additional risk from that position is low, and the reward is big. Plus, she probably wanted to make sure to keep getting his attention.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Andi2027 said:


> BTW she told me that if I wanted to go she will accept it. She also told me that since is her fault I can decide for everything (kids, house financial etc.).


Yeah, believe this at your own peril.


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## Thundarr

I hope you're holding it together Andi. It's hard to do. Just remember that she's highly motivated to minimize all of this. It's just human nature to avoiding owning our bad actions. And you're even more motivated to believe what she's saying because it's emotionally devastating except. The bottom line is that reconciliation isn't possible without you both doing these things. Anything less traps you into false reconciliation and that's always a slow decay.


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## MattMatt

How is it going?


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## Marc878

Andi2027 said:


> Just for the records, I saw the messages in her old phone (Pre May). What she deleted were the messages in her new phone (After May). To be fair until April the messages were like "How is your day" and crap like this. During may it got more sensual such as "I need to see you". Then obviously it got heavier and she admitted that she receive texts such as "Me and you would be great in sex" or "When I see you I get hard"


They all start like this. Very typical


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

To me, the fact that the OP was posting here multiple times a day, then stops posting all together, would indicate that he found the EA was actually a PA...

If he was so worried about the effects of exposure would be on that island, then he not likely going to post here what he's found out about his WS's affair.

I hope he just didn't try to rug sweep it all away...


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## Decorum

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> To me, the fact that the OP was posting here multiple times a day, then stops posting all together, would indicate that he found the EA was actually a PA...
> 
> If he was so worried about the effects of exposure would be on that island, then he not likely going to post here what he's found out about his WS's affair.
> 
> I hope he just didn't try to rug sweep it all away...


Yep it would seem so.

As for the POS crying, anyone remember dd and cm's thread.
It was caught before PA and Pos cried. DD rugswept it and it went physical, brutally so.

Betrayed husbands are wrong so often when they say, "trust me I know my wife", "I'm sure of this or that", then the truth comes out and their world collapses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

Andi2027 said:


> BTW we are having great sex 2-3 time per day.


How often was is happening before? And was it GREAT before like now?

Once a cheater is caught they do one of 2 things

Make you think you're going crazy and cut off all physical contact because you don't trust them. Hoping to make you realize that you were an @zz for even thinking they were cheating.

Give you mind blowing sex so that it'll scramble your brains and make you think you were just imagining things and it's not as bad as it looks.

Wait, there is a 3rd option, they leave you.


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## Sports Fan

Small greek island. Im guessing Cyprus. That aside your wife has gone into covering her tracks mode.

She deleted the new messages cause they are probably worse than the ones you saw. They might of even revealed that things went physical.

As for the frequent great sex she has recently been throwing your way. Thats to distract you and make you forget your recent findings regarding her infedelity. 

Andy there is more going on here than you realise. If you have physical proof store it somewhere safe. I'm guessing at some point you will need it to show his wife.

Your wife must suffer consequences for her actions.

At present this is getting rugswept by you as she has succesfully manages to Gas Light you, cover her tracks, and distract you through frequent sex.

Dont take this the wrong way, you are not all of a sudden a great sex god she cant keep her hands off. She is doing what needs to be done to save her arse.


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## michzz

Decorum said:


> ...
> Betrayed husbands are wrong so often when they say, "trust me I know my wife", "I'm sure of this or that", then the truth comes out and their world collapses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely true. It happened to me.

But eventually I dug myself out of the collapsed world and rebooted my life without the lying wh**re of a wife.


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## manfromlamancha

Hi Andi and sorry to have you here.

First of all, the poly will only help you to rule out whether she had sex or other physical contact with the POS (as per Matts reference to Jeremy Kyle). It will be near on impossible to get the contents of the unseen messages through a poly (you would have to ask very many explicit questions which is not practical in a poly).

Here is what I mean. Suppose she texted something like (after an exchange of pics) "your penis is so much more beautiful and bigger than my husband's" - would this destroy you ? Would it be as bad as cheating ?

You need to see those messages or at the very least assume that it was something along those lines. It could also make reference to other "bad" stuff - meeting up, touching, Skype sessions etc.

This is why you should trust nothing she says.


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## becareful

And just like that, Andi has disappeared...


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## whitewolf

Andi2027.........Sometimes it's necessary, to stop an EA or PA, to make things public and put a light on everything. In this case, I don't think it's necessary right now. Maybe later. You have already confronted the man, humiliated him and scared him to death. He is gone and never wants to come under your wrath again. You have confronted your wife and scared her to the point she is willing to do anything to keep you. Did they do more than text? If you have a undying need to know, then find out. Have her take the Poly if you feel it necessary. Dig deeper. The evidence is there somewhere, you just have to find it.Take stock of what you have. You are holding all the cards in this game. You have all the power. Some would say you are now Plan B. With the power you hold you are Plan A, B, C, and D. It surprises me sometimes to see people in situations where they have so much power and don't realize they have it. Your wife and her text friend know that you can burn their whole world down around their feet. I had a career where being devious was part of my work. I learned to be more devious than the people I was up against. So can you. Set yourself a time limit to find out all you can. Then decide what to do. There are some things, that if you spend too much time on it, can turn into an obsession. You don't want that. I'm a romantic at heart and love a happy ending because I've seen so much unhappiest in the world. Do you love your wife? Do you want to keep her? Do you want to keep your family together? If you can answer "yes" to these three questions then realize you have the power to make it happen. Right now you have her in the palm of your hand and the means to keep her there. It takes love and sometimes forgiveness. All decisions are yours. I wish you well.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Sports Fan said:


> As for the frequent great sex she has recently been throwing your way. Thats to distract you and make you forget your recent findings regarding her infedelity.


The sex isn't just a distraction, normally it is because they start feeling better about themselves and their lives. 

those million little minor daily nuisances everyone puts up with in the daily grind get swept away in a rush of hormones. the happy chemicals are back, and they feel better, more relaxed - all the "turn-offs" no longer slap them in the face everytime they see you, and often they feel braver and more successful, outgoing. So they want to do more.


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