# How to be a better husband?



## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

After reading a couple of the articles and post, I realize I do not have it as bad as i think sometimes. I tend to focus on the things she is not doing right and forget all the things she does. 

With that being said, I need to stop being such a nice guy i think. I need to set boundaries and all that stuff if it not to late. 

What is the best way to do that? How do you go from being a pleaser to a man? Does it take time? Should it be gradual or overnight? What is the best book or advice you can give me. Is this Athol Kay book I have seen really worth it?

I have my own issues i deal with and goto counselling. I have needy issues and unfounded jealously that causes me to have anxiety when i think she is showing anyone else attention. So i am dealing with it by not going through her phone in secret and checking her emails. She is not doing anything and me not finding anything is good. I just dont know how to give her space sometimes since i need so much attention. 

***We have been married for almost 1 year and have 5 kids all together. She has 3 that live with us and my 2 are out of state.***

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

The time you take to change should correspond to how much change you have in mind. I'd recommend changing at a pace where she can have time to adjust to you after each transition or two.

I'm a pleaser with a backbone. I've mentioned before, but I think it's worth repeating. The best marriage advice I got was this: "Pick your battles".

Don't fight her on everything even if you don't like everything. Determine what you won't stand for, and provided you're not hurting/depriving her of anything have the confidence to stand your ground. Yield if she gives you a compelling argument as to why you're wrong, but otherwise she'll respect you more in the end if you stand up for yourself.

When you pick your battles wisely, you'll minimize conflict in the marriage.

You don't have to give up being a pleaser if that's a part of you (it's a part of me), just don't be afraid to have a backbone when the time is right.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

There is some very useful information in the Athol's book and blog. Not fool proof, but definitely worth a look. No More Mr. Nice Guy is also worth the read.

Recognize that it may take some time. The more you want to change, the longer it will take. 

Finally, work on your sense of humor. There will likely be some tension at first, so humor to diffuse it is very valuable. 

Good luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t think it’s ever too late to learn about personal boundaries. A big thing with them are that they are two way. In that they are boundaries wrt how you let people treat you and they are boundaries wrt how you treat others around you.

For example “I will never thoughtlessly criticise my wife again”. As soon as you feel or think that you are going to make a criticism think on that boundary and hold your tongue. You already sound like an aware kind of guy, read Awareness (Anthony de Mello) and you will be even more so. You will be able to watch yourself in action as though you were are a third party looking in. It may seem crazy but just by observing yourself change happens.



TAM is an excellent forum due to the boundaries here and how they are enforced. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/1636-healthy-boundaries-support-forums.html to get an idea of boundaries in action.

For your personal boundaries take a look at Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men and buy the book. You will be truly amazed at how boundaries give you a much deeper sense of who you are. It takes time and it takes time to get used to implementing them but once you get the hang of it you’ll never look back.

But be careful in that your boundaries will in ways redefine who you are and you will start changing. The care you need to take is for your wife to catch up with changes as in some ways she will see a new you and will need time to adjust.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jealousy is nothing but insecurity. If you don't like "you" enough to be comfortable with the idea of living with "you", why should anyone else? Either she is being faithful or she isn't. If she isn't faithful, she doesn't deserve you and you don't need her. Don't worry about what she's doing. Pay attention to what you're doing. That's all you have control over but you have complete control in that area. Be the best dad in the world. Be the best employee at your job. Be a strong, supportive, attentive husband. After that, if she wants another guy, help her pack. If you think and look like you're needy, she'll think you are, too and she'll either find a guy who isn't or she'll lord over you for the rest of your life. She is the descendant of cave dwelling women who's survival depended on finding a mighty warrior and hunter. That need is still deep in her brain. No woman wants a weak, insecure man. Those types used to stay behind in the cave working with the women while the warriors went out on the hunt. No decent woman would have such a man.


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## Tommyboy (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the great words, I will defiantly take your advice. I will start reading and hopefully have a turnaround soon. The funny thing is , I can not point to any other relationship I was in that I felt this way. So, this is new to me and trying to find a way to handle it in a healthy way is not easy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tommyboy said:


> Thanks for the great words, I will defiantly take your advice. I will start reading and hopefully have a turnaround soon. The funny thing is , I can not point to any other relationship I was in that I felt this way. So, this is new to me and trying to find a way to handle it in a healthy way is not easy.


Sounds like this one has really captured your heart.

Strange that those are the ones where we feel weakest.


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