# ex's bf now also her roomate



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well, just found out via a casual text message that my son's mom has decided to let her bf move in with her (and my son on his weeks).

It is not a big surprise to me, but still feels like a shock. I've only met the guy a couple brief times, but a friend of mine had a chance to meet him at a party, he sounds like a decent enough guy but now he is going to be living with my son and spending basically as much time with him as I do, except as a "family" type unit.

I know how you feel Shoo, it really does suck.

I haven't replied to her yet, don't know how I even feel about it, nor what rights if any I have at this point - do I think this is healthy for my son? I can't really tell if this is a step towards making this a permanent relationship or out of convenience. Makes me feel so irelevant.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm sorry hon. That day is one of my biggest fears. Just thinking about how you feel makes my stomach hurt. Just remember, he can never be you, nor replace you. i think that your ex should have had a conversation about this with you before hand out of concern for your child. It's a big deal and she should have known that.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

And one more thing, You'll never be irelevant.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry, sweetie. It's the thing we all fear. You're very close with your little guy, and you'll still be with him just at much as you've always been. So those are the positives to hold on to. 

It's also good for your DS that this guy treats him well. Yeah, it would be better if he wasn't around, but we don't have that option. I'm sorry your ex didn't at least warn you first. NearlyEx had already decided and told DS before he told me, but he did tell me before DS did. I don't think we have any rights at all when it comes to what our exes do in their relationships or who they move into the house. The courts aren't interested, unless there's something really egregious going on. 

That leaves it up to us to do the best we can to maintain our relationships with our kids --- and to vent about how sh!tty we think the situation is here with people who understand what we're experiencing. Had a related experience like that today myself, so I feel for you, hon.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks AP, you are right there are positives in this. As to the warning, to be fair it was me that requested she let me know if she had plans to move her bf in - she said "no we are not planning that" but I think I kind of spoiled the romance of it for her by presuming it. Anyways a less two months later and of course it is as I predicted, that I would feel just like this upon the news. I tried to mentally "prepare" for it, but there isn't really anything I could have done to. Just have to experience it, and once again shed tears for the ways I feel like my son has been let down in this life.

I was hoping you'd read this and comment Angel, I read that you too were having a moment over your son's new life too. I sympathize for you too, I find this is a really harsh reality to have to come to grips with.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Man.. you know I understand. 
Made me feel irrelevant and as if the position of dad was so small as to be granted to just any old shmoe that she decides to move in, as I accept less time involved in my childs life, (more important than anything else) that privilege is handed over to a scum bag. I am not over the anger of it being the OM#2 and it being 3 months after I moved out. Seeing it every day, on my weeks with the kid, drop off/pickup at the old house, his sh!t in the driveway.. I simply do not understand how a man like this could be put in that place, and Im dejected. 
This comes in small waves though anymore. Its not the gutwrenching WTF that it started out as.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

To copy and paste from another response.. there are benefits...

"But then again...
I like not having a SH!T LOAD of things planned for every moment of every weekend.
The time I have with my daughter is truly more "valuable" in terms of its quality, than it was when we were all running around attempting to please her highness. We laugh hard, and exhaustively, we play together, and share music interests. There is now a bond that exists that would not have via the influence and interruption of her mother.

I feel like I have EVERY option in the freaking world available to me, forget about the fork in the road, I am standing at the convergence of a hundred paths, and can take any of them or all of them, without regard to the finicky or fickle.

Calm.. thats a benefit of more value than Ive recognized. "


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm with you, Shoo. posGF moved in for real days before Christmas. It's still jarring to ask her permission if it's OK to go upstairs to DS' bedroom, in what was my house. Seeing her lingerie on my side of the bed when he first started being open about having her overnight was one thing, but it's even worse now with her and DS. 

You're right -- for me, the absolute worst and most unfair thing of this divorce is being forced to not be a full-time, everyday parent. He's MY child, not hers. Why did I have to give *him* up because my relationship with *his dad* fall apart? Before I found TAM, I didn't realize there were other people who felt the way I did. IRL, everyone else just seems to take it in stride: your ex moves on, you lose your kid part-time. Seeing guys like Shoo and Lon, I realize that I'm not weird. There are other people having a difficult time with that 'new normal' that they never ever wanted. It's not just the marriage that the WS destroys, he/she seriously disrupts the relationship between the BS and child(ren). 

We do end up numbing ourselves to that pain -- til something like what you recently posted about, Shoo, or what happened with me last night, or what's happening now with Lon -- comes along, and opens it up again.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

It does suck big time, but it is what it is. YOU didn't let down your son, she did. But I know how you feel. I get sad for my kids, too, but have to remember that it wasn't my choice to move out and break up the family. It's squarely on him. That helps some. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Arg. I'm sorry, Lon  It sucks. You should meet him though. After all, it's your son he's around.

My ex met my H before he moved in. Big ol' conversation. Whatever, he is my daughter's father.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have met him a couple times, part of me was trying to plan the big old conversation but I ended up being nice and polite and unobtrusive as usual and felt like less than a protective father should - I can't protect him alone, it takes both parents or a sole parent - one cohesive parental unit - and as well meaning divorced parents may be and get along it is just not the same thing.

Even though I know nobody can replace me as my boy's dad, the new guy has such a big advantage over me in terms of getting the quality time with my son and his mother (not that I want that with my ex anymore, but I sure as hell desperately wanted that two gd years ago, and was basically given a big ole "f off your a loser" in its place).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry, man.

It's rough. I know. Just be the best dad you can be and no one will be able to replace that. Ever.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I'm with you, Shoo. posGF moved in for real days before Christmas. It's still jarring to ask her permission if it's OK to go upstairs to DS' bedroom, in what was my house. Seeing her lingerie on my side of the bed when he first started being open about having her overnight was one thing, but it's even worse now with her and DS.
> 
> You're right -- for me, the absolute worst and most unfair thing of this divorce is being forced to not be a full-time, everyday parent. He's MY child, not hers. Why did I have to give *him* up because my relationship with *his dad* fall apart? Before I found TAM, I didn't realize there were other people who felt the way I did. IRL, everyone else just seems to take it in stride: your ex moves on, you lose your kid part-time. Seeing guys like Shoo and Lon, I realize that I'm not weird. There are other people having a difficult time with that 'new normal' that they never ever wanted. It's not just the marriage that the WS destroys, he/she seriously disrupts the relationship between the BS and child(ren).
> 
> We do end up numbing ourselves to that pain -- til something like what you recently posted about, Shoo, or what happened with me last night, or what's happening now with Lon -- comes along, and opens it up again.


This is a great post, Angel. I fit into the same boat. Sucks big time! Funny thing is I helped raise her daughters from her first marriage and when it was time to be able to raise my own everyone turned against me and I was the evil one. I'll never forget what that felt like and while I can forgive some things I'm not sure I can forgive the fact that I will not be allowed to watch my daughter grow up half the time. 

But, the ex has no problem with it and she married the POS OM who only sees his daughter every other weekend. Guess there's quite a difference in priorities there, eh? 

I don't miss my ex but I miss my child every second I'm away from her. 

And I'm sorry, but I know the POSOM and I will never have a relationship with him. Maybe if I get a chance to meet him in a dark ally at some point in my life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Arg. I'm sorry, Lon  It sucks. You should meet him though. After all, it's your son he's around.
> 
> My ex met my H before he moved in. Big ol' conversation. Whatever, he is my daughter's father.


And also to be clear, this guy isn't the "OM" - we were separated and in process of divorce paperwork when she met him, from what I can piece together.

I think her affair(s) were about over by the time we officially separated and she went on to date a lot of different guys right away (so much for the line about her just wanting to spend her time alone and not be in relationships, but meh). So I am grateful atleast for the likelihood this guy isn't a slimeball (but I do have to wonder just how much she truly told him about her failed marriage to me and how she was the one to put the death spike in it)


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