# I really need to talk.



## BlueRain (Jan 1, 2010)

Hello,

I am new to this site. I found it web-browsing because I am so upset and confused and have no one to talk too.

I have been married for 10 years and have no children by choice. My marriage has always been very good because my husband is a wonderful man. He would do anything for me and I know this. My family and friends all love him. The problem is that I dont anymore. For the first few years of my marriage I was very happy. Then I was content. Now I am miserable. We never had a passionate relationship. It was always more about safety and security. Then out of nowhere I met someone who flipped my heart upside down and I have been a wreck ever since. We became friends about 7 months ago and were close from the very start. It never crossed the line until about a week ago. Even then, we stopped before it went to far, but it was far enough.
Now I dont know what to do. I know what I want to do, I want to leave my husband and start a new life. I also know that is probably not what I should do. I would have no support from anyone if I made that choice. I also dont know what I would do financially. My husband can sense that something is wrong and that I am unhappy but he has no idea how far it has gone. I cant even be in the same room with him without the screaming in my head telling him to just get out. Everything he does irritates me even though he does nothing wrong! He tries to get close and I just push him away.
I know this is because of the new guy, and I know it is wrong. With him I just feel so happy. It is the only time I am happy.
My husband will be devastated if I leave him and I care about him enough that the thought of hurting him kills me. Problem is, the thought of staying with him also kills me. 
He is very religious and would fight me if I tried to go. My family and friends would fight me too. It would also be best for my new guy to find someone simple and less complicated that he could be happy with.
So for me to be happy so many people get hurt, but to do what is right hurts me. I guess I can live with hurting myself better then I can hurting the people I love. Maybe in time it wont hurt so much just to breath. I know I am the bad one here. I am no innocent victim. I am just hurting really bad and needed to vent. I hate myself very much and wish every night that I would just not wake up the next day.

Thank you for letting me talk. I look forward to any feedback that might help me.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

The wonderful thing about this forum is that no one is here to judge the other person. We are all here to vent our pain and our frustrations and read over the thoughts and advice that others may offer.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. You may need to really consider what it is that you are doing by allowing this other person to come between you and your husband. The way that you have described your husband is what a lot of women are looking for. So you have to ask yourself if you making that sacrifice really worth all of the hurt and pain that you are about to cause to those who mean so much to you. Is it really worth putting your husband (who you have stated is a good man) through all of this even though he has done nothing to cause for you to leave him.

This other man may be in it just for the thrill. Everything could be wonderful because all in all... you go home to your husband every day. But what will happen if you leave your husband and decide to make a life with this other man? Do you feel that he is going to be there for you like your husband has been? Is he going to support you in your physical, emotional, mental, and financial means? There are so many questions that only you can answer.

Maybe you need to ask yourself as to just what it is that you find so captivating in this other man. Maybe the things that you find intriguing in him, you can use as fodder in a conversation with your husband. How is he going to know that there is a problem unless you tell him? Communication is vital! Do not place yourself in a position in where you will have great regret.

Read through some more of the posts that others have made here on this board. Try to place yourself in some of the shoes that we are in. Imagine if it were the other way around with your husband... in where he wanted to leave you over someone else. How would you feel?

At the end of the day, you are going to do what you are going to do. The choice is yours and yours alone. Just remember, the old adage is very true and holds a lot of weight... the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I wish you all the best.


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## outdoors (Jan 2, 2010)

it is not your fault these things happen. if you can make an honest assessment of your feelings that would be best. what you need to do is talk to someone- lawyer-therapist to look at your options. If you do this you may be serious. One thing you have to remember is that you should not do this for the other man it should be your search and need for true love. 

if you continue in this relationship you will bring yourself down further. that is not healthy


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

BlueRain said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new to this site. I found it web-browsing because I am so upset and confused and have no one to talk too.
> 
> ...


There is not much feedback or help for me to say without being blunt, but there is much for everyone to read and learn from this honest post.

The issues are very plain to see, and these issues are:

1. Your husband is being the "nice guy". This makes for a secure, often stable materialistic relationship, but is not passion. And passion is just a nice word for sexual attraction. All good men and women read this as many times as it takes, and take it to heart!

2. A woman will not feel sexual attraction for a "nice guy", no matter how hard she tries, or how much friends or family think, or whether it is logic or reason. NONE of this is going to make a woman have sexual attraction for a "nice guy".

3. A woman may tolerate living with a "nice guy" for a while, but there is resentment building, as she does not feel sexually desired by the "nice guy". This will only last until this next thing happens...

4. At some point in time will come the man that will make this woman feel sexually desired. When this happens, it is no contest, she will leave the "nice guy" in the dust EVERY TIME. Marriage, children, friends, family, this is meaning very little to the woman driven by her sexuality, so powerful it is to her. All good men and woman need to UNDERSTAND THIS!!!


So to the point of the original post, until your husband is no longer the "nice guy" and instead gets control of himself and his environment, you will have no "passion" for him. 

Whether it is this new man, or some other man in the future, things will not change until you and your husband change how it is that you relate to each other.

If you want to save your marriage, then it is for you to break off the romance with this new man, and work on the issues between you and your husband. 

I wish you well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well looks like you're just bored out of your mind by your husband, and someone new awakened the sex goddess within.

Talk to your husband. Tell him what you need and what you're feeling.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

This is a great place to vent. When I had unbearable emotional pain, I had to confess and the weight lightened tremendously.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

This is a great place to vent, to seek, to speak, and to just talk.

Something in your life has changed to have your feelings changed regarding your husband. 

Do you think you could possibly having a MLC?

Whatever you choose to do, trying to look at all the sides and do whatever you decided after real hard look at yourself.

The desire, is it because you lack something that you're husband isn't giving you or is it just lust.

Before making any kind of decision, seek professional help.

At least the research that I have read, unless you solve your current issue, no matter what relationship you get involved in, the underlying issue will always be there. Go get the professional help first, then you do your final decision.

If that other person truly cares for you, then he will wait for a time.

As the old saying goes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

A family member learned this the hard way. She is no longer here with the family. A similar situation like yourself existed.

Whatever you choose to do, whether it's what you want to hear or not, we all are here to give our thoughts.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

How is your sex life? Did you have orgasms with him?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do not try to make any decisions with the OM in your life. Cut him out now. Give yourself time to mourn the loss--it will be hard, and you'll feel terribly lonely, etc., etc., but you must do it, because it is the only way you will ever figure out what YOU really want for YOU. 

Get into counseling a.s.a.p. The OM is the symptom, not the problem. If you are still mourning and not ready to deal with the problems in the marriage, then counseling will help you deal with who you are, what you did, and why you took that road "out" of a situation (the marriage) in which you were unhappy. You can develop self-esteem and courage this way, which will serve you well in the long run, and within the marriage, too, if you choose to stay.

When you feel ready, tell your husband the truth--you are miserable in the marriage, haven't been happy for a long time, and you want to . . . here's where you decide: work on things? If so, marital counseling is in order. Give it your best shot, and you will be at peace with whatever comes. This is the best chance your marriage has.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

I didn't even bother to read the responses you got because you and your husband are in the same boat that my wife and I luckily got out of 2 years ago. It was 2006 and we had been married for 16+ years. That summer my wife re-connected with a guy from high school and shortly after I started seeing her drift away from me. We were in the process of buying our first home together and in September of that year we moved in. Three weeks after settling into our new home she told me she didn't love me anymore. This news turned my world upside down. Days later I found out that she was calling this guy 20+ times a day and texting even more. It had been going on for several weeks. She claimed that there was nothing going on but some how, some way this guy changed her. I tried everything to work things out but she had already checked out on me. I went to counseling and dragged her there for one session but she wasn't recetive to it. I think I finally made her feel so bad that she just agreed to work things out just to get me out of her hair. After several months of separation it seemed like things were getting back to normal. She asked me to move back in and things were great for 3-4 months until one night when she didn't come home from work. I called her and I knew what she was going to say. We separated again and this time I was ready to trow in the towel. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I moved in with my parents and decided to stop talking to her until I could fix emotional break down. Being back at my parents was a drag even though I love them so much. I decided that I had to get out of the house one evening so I drove to the book store to find some self help books. While searching I found a book titled "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. I read the first 2-3 pages and it was as if it were me writing about my wife and my situation. I read a few more pages and decided I needed to buy the book. I took it home and read nearly half of it that night. I talked about it with my wife and she was very interested how the book seemed to describe what she was feeling and why. She was so confused and it made things clear for her. I bought her a copy and within days she was calling me and we were talking again and going out on dates together. The book helped me understand what she was going through and it helped us both find a resolution. I can't recommend this book enough to anyone having similar marital issues. The last chapter is about how to end the relationship if the book didn't help fix it. Thankfully I have never read that chapter. I hope you will get a copy and see if it helps you and your husband. Let me add that I gave my wife one ultimatum and that was cutting ties with her friend that started all this. In the end it may have been a good thing that he tore us apart because now we're stronger then ever. I think your husband deserves a shot at making this work after investing so much time into your relationship. Read the book and let me know how it goes. Good luck to you both.

-AJ


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

angelj said:


> I didn't even bother to read the responses you got because you and your husband are in the same boat that my wife and I luckily got out of 2 years ago. It was 2006 and we had been married for 16+ years. That summer my wife re-connected with a guy from high school and shortly after I started seeing her drift away from me. We were in the process of buying our first home together and in September of that year we moved in. Three weeks after settling into our new home she told me she didn't love me anymore. This news turned my world upside down. Days later I found out that she was calling this guy 20+ times a day and texting even more. It had been going on for several weeks. She claimed that there was nothing going on but some how, some way this guy changed her. I tried everything to work things out but she had already checked out on me. I went to counseling and dragged her there for one session but she wasn't recetive to it. I think I finally made her feel so bad that she just agreed to work things out just to get me out of her hair. After several months of separation it seemed like things were getting back to normal. She asked me to move back in and things were great for 3-4 months until one night when she didn't come home from work. I called her and I knew what she was going to say. We separated again and this time I was ready to trow in the towel. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I moved in with my parents and decided to stop talking to her until I could fix emotional break down. Being back at my parents was a drag even though I love them so much. I decided that I had to get out of the house one evening so I drove to the book store to find some self help books. While searching I found a book titled "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. I read the first 2-3 pages and it was as if it were me writing about my wife and my situation. I read a few more pages and decided I needed to buy the book. I took it home and read nearly half of it that night. I talked about it with my wife and she was very interested how the book seemed to describe what she was feeling and why. She was so confused and it made things clear for her. I bought her a copy and within days she was calling me and we were talking again and going out on dates together. The book helped me understand what she was going through and it helped us both find a resolution. I can't recommend this book enough to anyone having similar marital issues. The last chapter is about how to end the relationship if the book didn't help fix it. Thankfully I have never read that chapter. I hope you will get a copy and see if it helps you and your husband. Let me add that I gave my wife one ultimatum and that was cutting ties with her friend that started all this. In the end it may have been a good thing that he tore us apart because now we're stronger then ever. I think your husband deserves a shot at making this work after investing so much time into your relationship. Read the book and let me know how it goes. Good luck to you both.
> 
> -AJ


I really enjoyed reading this experience. Congratulations AJ to you and your wife! You see... it's what I've been saying all along... the two have to communicate!! In order to have any relationship successful, you have to communicate. At the very least, she was able to communicate with you and you back with her. No one ran off into a corner or worse and just shut down. Together, you kept those lines of communication open and chipped away at the issue.

Thank you for sharing that AJ.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Thanks Dreaded Soulja but it wasn't as easy as it sounded. My wife had completly shut me out. I believe that I actually reached the point where all hope was lost but this book miraculously brought us back and gave us another chance. My wife comes from a long line of strong and stubborn women. It's what attracted me to her. She put up a wall equal to the one the Chinese built but once I started quoting passages from the book to her tiny cracks started appearing. Once we both understood her feelings and realizing it was caused by issues that we simply overlooked in our relationship then everything started to look brighter. We finally knew what we were up against and had ideas of how to fix it. The book pointed out that our relationship was "too perfect". We hadn't fought or argued in years. Arguments make relationships passionate and interesting. We also turned into the same person because we did everything together. We weren't individuals anymore. We decided that we each needed to go out with friends more often and reconnect with ourselves. The other big issue was I tried to fix all her problems. I started listening more instead of fixing her problems. This ties back to being individuals. Instead of letting her handle her own issues I made them "our" issues. I can't say enough about this book and how it can only help, not hinder. It even has a chapter about dealing with a relationship that's beyond fixing and moving on. Luckily I didn't have to read that part. I hope I never have to.

AJ


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi,
Okay, really think about what life would be for you and how you would feel if your husband wasn't in your life. Sometimes you don't realize until you are faced with losing it.
You are rejecting him without thinking things through, is it him or you?
If you want the other man, then work a settlement out with your husband and then after that relationship is over you can explore the new one...
good luck with your decision


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