# Last week was amazing, and then...



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

After a big blowout fight a few weeks ago, my wife and I had somewhat reconciled. Everything seemed good at home for a few days, and I even got the sense that intimacy may actually be n possibility. So early last week, we passionately made out and I was pretty sure it was going to continue in an hour after the kids went to bed. I put them in bed, but my wife had lost the feeling. Since we're coming off a fight, I just figured it was the withering impacts of that. I was disappointed. 

Then something changed... It wasn't new positions or anything like that. It was just that she seemed focused and seemed to feel every kiss. For Wed-Sunday, sex was amazing and passionate. On one of the days, she snuck me upstairs while the kids were downstairs for a quickie. After the kids went to bed, I was curling up, and she mentioned that she was still "randy". So I gave her oral and we made passionate sex for a decent amount of time. Normally, if I proposition her on a day we've already had sex, the answer is a firm no. "We already did today..." So I was literally on cloud nine last week. 

So on Monday, we were intimate, but I could feel the passion starting to wane. Whereas on the prior days, she was basically all over me, this time it was more of me asking, and her granting. So on Tuesday, she got a haircut. Basically, she got all of her hair cut off, and went back to short hair. I always liked her with short hair and made many sexual references. So she gets back form her haircut and despite my efforts and I think her suggestion, I couldn't get her focus enough to make it happen. She was very focused on her new haircut. 

So, on Wed, I started flirting with her in the morning, and then texting during work, then at home a bit. Before I had a chance to bring the kids up to bed, she mentioned she was getting tired. As soon as I heard that, I hurried to get them upstairs, but by the time I got back down, it was a no go. I tried to force the issue, but she covered herself up in the blanket and hid from me. I was resigned and layed on my sofa. She mentioned that "maybe" she would wake me up with sex. This is a fantasy of mine, but it's never happened. So I knew it wouldn't happen and it didn't. 

So, today, I told her I was disappointed. She implied we can try later. But, I'm thinking I need some sort of way to deal with this. It's stressful and when it occurs it occupies my thoughts for too long. Right now, I'm afraid of saying anything that will result in tonight going south. I'd really like to have our sex be like it was last week, but I'm not sure how. I think it's all under her control. That makes me feel worse, because now I know what it can be like.

I also feel guilty. I mean, we had great sex last week, and now I'm getting greedy, right?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Easy there Tiger. I think you might need to keep track of your wife’s cycle. It could have been a mix of upswing in communications timed with ovulation. My wife is undoubtedly more flirty during this time. Don’t rush into a bunch of hurt feelings


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Easy there Tiger. I think you might need to keep track of your wife’s cycle. It could have been a mix of upswing in communications timed with ovulation. My wife is undoubtedly more flirty during this time. Don’t rush into a bunch of hurt feelings




Yes!!!

Women’s sexuality is dependent on so many different things so we don’t always have a “steady” sex drive.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Easy there Tiger. I think you might need to keep track of your wife’s cycle. It could have been a mix of upswing in communications timed with ovulation. My wife is undoubtedly more flirty during this time. Don’t rush into a bunch of hurt feelings


I am aware of her typical cycle. Maybe it was during her ovulation, but she hasn't kissed me like that in years. We've gone through many ovulations in the past 13 years (20 together). This was nothing like that. I would say she was acting, but she's not that good of an actor. This was real. She actually asked me for more sex after we had already had sex. If I asked that of her, she'd roll her eyes knowing I knew the answer. 

I suspect if it was just the ovulation, then at least once a month or so, we'd have sex like that. I do think she gets slightly less opposed during her ovulation, but this wasn't like those times. This was new, exciting and very different.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

lessthennone said:


> I am aware of her typical cycle. Maybe it was during her ovulation, but she hasn't kissed me like that in years. We've gone through many ovulations in the past 13 years (20 together). This was nothing like that. I would say she was acting, but she's not that good of an actor. This was real. She actually asked me for more sex after we had already had sex. If I asked that of her, she'd roll her eyes knowing I knew the answer.
> 
> 
> 
> I suspect if it was just the ovulation, then at least once a month or so, we'd have sex like that. I do think she gets slightly less opposed during her ovulation, but this wasn't like those times. This was new, exciting and very different.




Why don’t you ask her what was up with that amazing sex last week and see what she says.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is the woman who told you sex with you isn’t a priority for her. She also told you that she couldn’t do oral on you because she couldn’t watch tv at the same time. 
She goes on dates with other men and lies about it and the last time you were here you had caught her texting some random guy two hundred times in three days. 
She’s obviously between boyfriends so she threw you some breadcrumbs which you lapped up.
Are you actually enjoying this treatment because I’m starting to wonder.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Why don’t you ask her what was up with that amazing sex last week and see what she says.


She said she was horny. But, in asking, somehow I made her mad. She did say it's not something I can control.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> This is the woman who told you sex with you isn’t a priority for her. She also told you that she couldn’t do oral on you because she couldn’t watch tv at the same time.
> She goes on dates with other men and lies about it and the last time you were here you had caught her texting some random guy two hundred times in three days.
> She’s obviously between boyfriends so she threw you some breadcrumbs which you lapped up.
> Are you actually enjoying this treatment because I’m starting to wonder.


Listen. She's ignorant. She's selfish. She says the stupidest stuff in the world. But, I'm married to her and love her. 

She didn't go on any dates with any guys. You read my posts, speculated, then speculated on your speculation. Because of this forum, I'm spying on her every move; yet I haven't caught her doing anything that would suggest an affair. 

Something good happened last week. I want to do all I can to harness it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

lessthennone said:


> She said she was horny. But, in asking, somehow I made her mad. She did say it's not something I can control.


You may think I’m trying to have a dig at you but I’m not. 
In an earlier thread you wrote about catching your wife flirting with a guy at a concert and then discovered she was messaging him about going to a bar. And she gaslighted you when you questioned her. 
She seems at the very least to develop regular crushes on other men and you then get left out of her affection. 
Do you understand that because she has sex with you she feels she’s cheating on her current crush?
And maybe she’s only having sex with you to reassure herself that she’s desirable.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> You may think I’m trying to have a dig at you but I’m not.
> Do you understand that because she has sex with you she feels she’s cheating on her current crush?
> And she’s only having sex with you to reassure herself that she’s desirable.


No. That is not the case. I just think you don't understand how weird my wife thinks. I've discussed this with my best friend who also knows her for a long time. I'm convinced she's not a cheater.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> You may think I’m trying to have a dig at you but I’m not.
> In an earlier thread you wrote about catching your wife flirting with a guy at a concert and then discovered she was messaging him about going to a bar. And she gaslighted you when you questioned her.
> She seems at the very least to develop regular crushes on other men and you then get left out of her affection.
> Do you understand that because she has sex with you she feels she’s cheating on her current crush?
> And maybe she’s only having sex with you to reassure herself that she’s desirable.


Yes. She asked if he was going to the bar. I questioned her relentlessly and then questioned her friends. Her story added up, and all I got was mental breakdown, then a physical breakdown; and a week stay in the hospital. 

I live in a small town, she wouldn't be able to get away with anything long without me finding out from others. And if that doesn't work, I have location tracking. 

Yes, until recently, I hadn't fully setup good boundaries with those of the opposite sex. I have now. 

If I truly believed she was being unfaithful, I would leave her in a second. I absolutely will not stand for that. I am more concerned that her naivete will get her into a bad situation outside of her control. Like something slipped in her drink.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Yes. She asked if he was going to the bar. I questioned her relentlessly and then questioned her friends. Her story added up, and all I got was mental breakdown, then a physical breakdown; and a week stay in the hospital.
> 
> I live in a small town, she wouldn't be able to get away with anything long without me finding out from others. And if that doesn't work, I have location tracking.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you're in a much better place now. But there seems to be a continuing pattern of unpredictable or wrong behavior. I don't want to suggest that her suddenly getting randy for days in a row is wrong, but for her, in context, wouldn't you agree that's the case? 

So I'd suggest two things. First, why not just have a talk with her about how amazing the sex was last week? Did the stars align just right or what? I don't honestly think you're going to get very far with this. I doubt she understand what came over her. Which brings us to-

I assume she's under care of a therapist and maybe psychiatrist? Is she taking anti depressants? Any possibility she stopped taking them for a bit? Or a change in meds? 

I wish the very best for you, but my own personal experience is that sometimes my wife will go all-in on a new way of thinking and see me in a different (and more sexual) light... until she doesn't. She cannot buy into long-term change because her core thinking remains intact. Eventually she comes to resent the experiment and things go back to how they were. 

Life is complicated.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you liked how your wife acted for a week, you should compliment / reward that behavior profusely.

When she acted differently the following week, you jumped right onto negative feedback.

Positive feedback / reward for doing something you like works to cause behaviors to repeat, negative feedback doesn't do much.

Be sure you always say / do something to encourage the good behavior when it is happening.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

With my first Wife things were always spotty. Then I discovered that her cycle was everything. I told a friend that its was basically one week, it was a maybe, 2nd week was a pretty good chance, 3rd week she would ravage ME! 4th week she hated my guts....rinse repeat. Once I figured it out it was pretty good (for a few years) as I just planned other things to do, and never ever asked during week 4 and it really helped with the pressure and I didnt get near as mad at a rejection. Maybe you experience somthing similiar?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

A couple observations...

1) Likely ovulation. Women flirt get horny when ovulating. In fact most dress up more during that part of their cycle. Simple biology.

2) Having a fight and potentially losing a mate actually can increase desire in some women. Also known as hysterical bonding. Boring domesticated men don’t do it but the thought of losing you to some other women could subconsciously push up her game. See Ester Perel’s Mating in Captivity.

3) Women loath “sexual panhandlers” regardless of how great it was. Knock it off. Let her know it was awesome but quit trying so hard. It will backfire. Kinda like wanting to back to the same club you went to last night that was a great spontaneous affair. Odds are won’t be the same second time ‘round. You’re putting way too much pressure on her to “feel” the same way.

4) sexual appetites and metabolism are analogous. One person can eat one meal and be done for the day while the other can eat an hour after the last big meal. Image being stuffed from eating at Fogo D’Chao and then hour later she wants to grab Chipotle. You’d be like “geez we just ate” 


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> No. That is not the case. I just think you don't understand how weird my wife thinks. I've discussed this with my best friend who also knows her for a long time. I'm convinced she's not a cheater.


https://dadstartingover.com/my-wife-wouldnt-do-that/


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

re16 said:


> If you liked how your wife acted for a week, you should compliment / reward that behavior profusely.
> 
> When she acted differently the following week, you jumped right onto negative feedback.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I screwed that up. I'm not quite sure how, but I did. Last week was great, but when I started getting the old signs, I panicked. So, I won't say I was rejected on Tuesday, but I could see she wasn't receptive, so I didn't try. This is after all sorts of sexy talk about her upcoming and then new haircut. 

So, on Wednesday we flirted in the morning, but she was too tired by the time the kids were in bed. That was another panic moment. 

Then, I brought up last week. Whatever caused it, she doesn't want to talk about it. But was also frustrated with where our conversation went. So last night, since we were basically fighting, I got the "We can have sex since I said yes earlier, but I don't want it to take long". I have, um, difficulty performing in those circumstances, so I had to pass. I knew how it would end up, and it was worse then were we were. 

I kept saying last week was amazing, it seemed mostly positive, but she didn't take it that way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Yeah. I screwed that up. I'm not quite sure how, but I did. Last week was great, but when I started getting the old signs, I panicked. So, I won't say I was rejected on Tuesday, but I could see she wasn't receptive, so I didn't try. This is after all sorts of sexy talk about her upcoming and then new haircut.
> 
> So, on Wednesday we flirted in the morning, but she was too tired by the time the kids were in bed. That was another panic moment.
> 
> ...


What was she like / frequency before the big fight 3 weeks ago?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lessthennone said:


> I also feel guilty. I mean, we had great sex last week, and now I'm getting greedy, right?


 Is there EVER a time you're *not *thinking about sex, wanting sex, planning sex, wondering how you can make sex happen, rushing the kids off to bed in the hopes of having sex, coming up with a daily plan every morning for how you're going to flirt with her or get her to agree to have sex that night, or trying to 'force' sex on your wife until she hides under a blanket from you? 

What the hell??? Talk about a one-track mind. Get a freakin' hobby.

You're like a dog constantly dry humping the poor woman's leg either mentally or physically from the minute you get up in the morning until the minute you fall asleep. 

Jeez, for a few days the planets aligned just right and who knows, maybe her hormones spiked, maybe she read a raunchy book or got all turned on by something or someone and YOU were the lucky recipient.of it. You don't honestly expect her to suddenly be like that every single DAY do you?

You have a better chance of Elvis singing at your company's Christmas party. Sheesh.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I understand you trying to understand and recreate the moment(s). You were exhausting yourself trying to figure out what, why, and how--don't blame you. But, unfortunately, this is a futile effort--there is no rhyme or reason usually--just circumstances. Sounds like she mostly likes to control you through her receptiveness. 

Be brave. Continue to compliment, flirt, connect with no sexual intent--use nonsexual touch. The results may surprise you. I hope so.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there EVER a time you're *not *thinking about sex, wanting sex, planning sex, wondering how you can make sex happen, rushing the kids off to bed in the hopes of having sex, coming up with a daily plan every morning for how you're going to flirt with her or get her to agree to have sex that night, or trying to 'force' sex on your wife until she hides under a blanket from you?
> 
> What the hell??? Talk about a one-track mind. Get a freakin' hobby.
> 
> ...


You know, this is one of the harshest things you have written. 

I am not saying that OP is doing things write or wrong, good or bad, weak or strong. I really don't know. 

But for anyone to say the he should not want to have sex with his wife, for him or anyone, is simply crazy. 

If two people get married, hopefully they are in love, and good God I hope that they both want to have wonderful sex with each other. 

Why does this surprise you? Lots of people feel this way, male and female. 

I just don't think it is right to bang him for wanting to have sex with his wife.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> You know, this is one of the harshest things you have written.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree with her. He comes across as if he has a one-track mentality. That gets old and is a big time turn off which produces the opposite of what he wants.

Sometimes it takes harsh (2x4).


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I agree with her. He comes across as if he has a one-track mentality. That gets old and is a big time turn off which produces the opposite of what he wants.
> 
> Sometimes it takes harsh (2x4).


OK, let's say that she and you are right. Why doesn't she get a divorce, or maybe he gets a divorce? 

I have tried to keep up with his stuff but honestly it has been hard to do. 

See, if I was with someone that did not want to have sex with me, way more than once a week, at some point I would leave the relationship, sooner rather than later. 

Help me understand what I am missing...


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Elizabeth001 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with her. He comes across as if he has a one-track mentality. That gets old and is a big time turn off which produces the opposite of what he wants.
> ...


You’re not missing anything. It’s the feminist view that all guys do is think about sex. They, in turn, think about creative ways to withhold it and weaponize it as you see with these two prior posts.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> I kept saying last week was amazing, it seemed mostly positive, but she didn't take it that way.


What we “remember” is greatly influenced by our present state of mind. Don’t talk about the great sex of the past and wonder what happened until you’re both in a good place. Otherwise, whatever the problem is, sex, money, kids... things likely spiral downhill if you talk about them when you feel most desperately in need to.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

For some people (perhaps most men but alot of women also) sex is very important. These people do not hide this and it typically goes well early in the relationship because things are easy. As in years of relationship goes by and the frequency / desire level is fine. When things get more stressful, some spouses keep things the same and the sex continues, but some change and cut if off and make excuses.

It is ok for anyone is a relationship to want a good sex life.

Coming up with reasons to cut off sex is as damaging as coming up with reasons to justify all sorts of other unwanted behaviors in relationships.

Being in a relationship with a good sex life is fun / happy and part of two people having a good connection. Anyone that views someone trying to do that as a negative is essentially dooming any relationship from meeting it is full potential.

Comparing him to a dog because he wants sex with his wife is ridiculous.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Whatever her weirdness/logic/desire is..... she KNOWS it was awesome. You've told her how awesome it was for you, not stop telling her that. Flirt differently. Hugs, touches, kisses, how you love her, and that you desire her. 

While we want to be desired, we don't want it to get to a point that we are just a hole.

Honestly, I don't get people who are awesomely into it....sometimes. Awesome is awesome and why wouldn't you want that? Idk.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> OK, let's say that she and you are right. Why doesn't she get a divorce, or maybe he gets a divorce?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Perhaps it will lead to divorce. It did for me! That took 10 years of me trying to explain that I needed sex though before I gave up. 

Just trying to help. 


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I was going to lunch today and had the urge to piss on a fire hydrant? Anyone know what might have caused that?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was going to lunch today and had the urge to piss on a fire hydrant? Anyone know what might have caused that?


Was it right after you thought about wanting sex with your wife? That's apparently when you turn into a dog.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

re16 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I was going to lunch today and had the urge to piss on a fire hydrant? Anyone know what might have caused that?
> ...


I ended up dry humping the hydrant instead. I ripped that thing to shreds.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there EVER a time you're *not *thinking about sex, wanting sex, planning sex, wondering how you can make sex happen, rushing the kids off to bed in the hopes of having sex, coming up with a daily plan every morning for how you're going to flirt with her or get her to agree to have sex that night, or trying to 'force' sex on your wife until she hides under a blanket from you?
> 
> What the hell??? Talk about a one-track mind. Get a freakin' hobby.
> 
> ...


I could see your point if we were having sex daily, or if I was propositioning her daily. But we aren't and I'm not. When she says not tonight, I don't whine or complain. I say ok, and hope tomorrow turns out better. I'm certain I could be more pushy and get more sex, but I'm not looking for that type of sex. 

This seems to have struck a nerve with you.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

re16 said:


> What was she like / frequency before the big fight 3 weeks ago?


Once every 3 weeks, very little passion.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there EVER a time you're *not *thinking about sex, wanting sex, planning sex, wondering how you can make sex happen, rushing the kids off to bed in the hopes of having sex, coming up with a daily plan every morning for how you're going to flirt with her or get her to agree to have sex that night, or trying to 'force' sex on your wife until she hides under a blanket from you?
> 
> What the hell??? Talk about a one-track mind. Get a freakin' hobby.
> 
> ...


This is why we need a 'dislike' button!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there EVER a time you're *not *thinking about sex, wanting sex, planning sex, wondering how you can make sex happen, rushing the kids off to bed in the hopes of having sex, coming up with a daily plan every morning for how you're going to flirt with her or get her to agree to have sex that night, or trying to 'force' sex on your wife until she hides under a blanket from you?
> 
> What the hell??? Talk about a one-track mind. Get a freakin' hobby.



I’m convinced men think about sex as much as women spend comparing themselves to other women (re: looks, parenting, home, career, social media, husbands, finances, etc) or focusing on all-things kids. It’s not wrong, just how it is. A healthy man will have 75x the amount of testosterone compared to a woman whose levels are low. Makes a big difference.

My DW once had her T levels measured and they were just above zero and opted to try HRT. Within 24 hours of treatment, she had tons of energy and couldn’t stop thinking about sex. I said “now you know how I feel... like everyday.” So I would be cautious about slamming men for thinking about sex a lot. I can’t relate to my wife feeling chronically insecure because she is constantly comparing herself to other women. And I don’t shame her for it nor do I tell her to get over it.



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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Once every 3 weeks, very little passion.


No wonder some of the ladies think you have a one track mind. Once every 3 weeks would be horrible - especially if she was giving you starfish sex. What are your ages if you don't mind me asking?

Seems like you are in a negative feedback loop. The less intimacy you have, the more you try to figure out how to get more intimacy back into your life. That results in you (I'm guessing here) coming across as pressuring her for sex both overtly and covertly. She feels the pressure and feels even less turned on and probably tries to find ways to thwart your plans. I'm guessing your week of bliss is most likely an aberration, and your sexual frequency MIGHT be elevated for another week or 2. Bottom line is you do not come across as being very desirable to your spouse unless her lack of desire is chemistry related. JMHO


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