# Seeking help for a friend...



## every1schampion (May 18, 2012)

I'm here to ask for any advice you may have to offer, which I can pass a long to my best friend in her time of need.

Here's the info:
She is 24, going on 3 years of marriage. She has had two children and recently starting her own business with her sister.

Since I have known her from middle school until she was married, she was never one for faithful relationships. She did "date exclusive" every now and then, but rarely without seeking other people as well.

This life has now affected her marriage and has confused her into not understanding her feelings, or actions, or what she really wants and deserves.

Her mother has never been married, and has had multiple relationship with multiple men all of her siblings from different families. Her father was never there, only poping in when he wanted and always dissapointing her when she let herself try to trust him.

From what I have read online, I feel that her issue lies with feelings of low self-esteem and image issues because of never having a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like and how she cites that she hates herself for what she's done to her husband and her family and that she desires she could change but that the thrill of meeting someone new, and the excitement of new relations is what drives her.

I know how she handles this and if it works or not is up to her and how truthful she is with her self and others, but does anyone have advice I can give her in getting connected with that truth? How can I help show her that she was not made to be alone with a strew of meaningless relationships until she is old. If it is true that she is not meant to be with her husband, I want to help her start on the road to healing so she can keep the husband she is meant for.

She tried counseling, but said she know's cheating is wrong and she did not feel the counsler helped her with anything she didn't already know. She has confided in me many times before the act that she had issues with her husband now as well, not feeling loved, or appreciated. Not being able to have enough connection she has said that she feels guilty for how she feels toward him; she resents him, she does not even want to be in the same room as him some times, so they have no connection much at all.

He has said he wants to work things out, but she is not sure she wants to, and does not feel that he must be married to her while she works through her own things, because she says he deserves to be with someone not so messed up.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

IMO it doesn't really matter what you tell her or what any counselor tells her......until she sees fault in herself and WANTS to mature herself and grow she won't hear what you are saying. I went to a MC with my husband for 6 months and he never made any changes and never worked on himself and I did. I WANTED to he DID NOT so he only understood the counselor as telling him what he already knew. They have to WANT to work on themself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her husband needs to get involved and give her a reason to stop cheating in the form of consequences including divorce. She either quits and commits to the marriage, or he leaves.

His wanting to work on things is actually undermining getting her to be faithful, it lets her know she has rope to run with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Although I can understand your concern for your friend, there is nothing you can do, She is a broken person who will require intensive therapy to fix herself and none of it will work unless she really wants to work on it. It is like that old joke: 

"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?"

"just one,; but, the light bulb REALLY has to want to change!"

Your friend's husband deserves better. From your post it appears he knows the score. If not, he should be told so he can make some decisions.


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