# Please help, I'm lost!



## Brokenheartedpixie (Dec 5, 2012)

Help and much needed advice please:

* * * * *I'll try and keep my story brief, *I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, we have two teenage boys and a 6 week old baby girl.
* * * * *We've had our ups and our downs, especially the first few years, he used to treat me like dirt, dumping me every so often but always kept me hanging on, I was young and worshiped the ground he walked on, so was always great full *when he showed me any affection. (dumb I know).*
* * * * * It's been pretty much like that for 15 years of our relationship, he'd say jump and I'd say how high.*
* * * * * *5 years ago I got a job at my local bar, which I enjoyed. After being there 18 months a new barman started, he was my age, handsome and married with two children. We became very good friends and enjoyed working together.
* * * * * * A year past and my home life was getting really bad, we could be in each others company and not speak for hours, I confided in my work colleague and he in turn told me how unhappy he was, we started texting each other and things started to get a little heated between us. We only ever kissed as my boyfriend found out one day and outed us both, I was so disconnected from him at the time I told him I wanted us to break up. *This woke him up instantly and declared undying love for me, he finally wanted to marry me and to have another baby ( which is something I've always wanted) *after weeks of him begging and crying I gave in and gave him another chance. It took a long time for me to find my feelings for him again but I started to fall in love with him again. And all was going well.
* * * * * * * Two years ago we tried for a baby, I fell pregnant, I was delighted, but unfortunatey lost it, I was distraught and sad for a very long time.*
* * * * * * * *Then march of this year I found out I was pregnant again, I was over the moon, but scared and very nervous after what happened before, and being 37 this was probably my last chance for a baby. The pregnancy wasn't easy with many scares and needing scans on a weekly basis. I was totally absorbed and it's all I spoke about the entire time, Our beautiful daughter was born in October 4weeks early and very small, we almost lost her. My boyfriend is smitten with her, he is totally in love with her.
* * * * * But this is where he started acting very strange, he watched The Secret and started listening to self help meditation courses, he puts strange quotes on facebook , He became moody and barely spoke, he would go to bed very early like 9:00pm claiming he was tired, had a headache, this went on for three weeks. Finally I had enough and confronted him. He told me he was unhappy and want to leave.
* * * * *So this is where I am now, he has put a deposit on a flat which he can move in Xmas week or 5th January. He's given me the choice when I want him to go. I have tried everything to convince him to stay, but he isn't interested, I suggested a trial separation which he is willing to try. He has just turned 40 and a friend of mine reckons it could be a midlife crisis. I'm heartbroken, can't eat or sleep and am barely eating, not good with a newborn.*
* * * * *So I don't know what to do now, be nice all the time or to disconnect and begin a 180,
Any advise would be much appreciated.


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## Brokenheartedpixie (Dec 5, 2012)

Has no one any advise please? Im at the end of my tether.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru - at least you have found a great place for support and advice.

A lot about your story reminds me of things I went thru with my STBXH. I, too, had an EA with a coworker after about 3 years of dating my STBX - was outed by X, picked up the pieces and wsa determined to be the best damn GF and eventually wife I could be. Little did I know my X never quite got back on our train. 7 years later we are heading for divorce after what I thought were normal marital problems but more because my X has found someone new and younger to hang on his every word.

You sound very codependant of your BF - with you saying that for 15 years he kinda kept you on a string, the him saying jump and you replying how high. Please don't take offense to that - if you read a lot of the threads on here you'll find a great many of us are codependant. That might be a place to start for you. Look into books like "Codependant no more" - they can help explain what you're experiencing and how to help your situation.

Next I will say get on the 180. This is the best thing for you right now. It's not aimed at getting your BF back - it's to help you and you alone be a better person for yourself - to learn that you can live without someone and still be an awesome person.

In my situation I think of that old saying "if you love something set it free, if it returns it was meant to be." So let him go. I don't put a lot of stock in midlife crisises - my STBXH gave me the same bs saying he was going thru one and he's only 32. I think a midlife crisis is crap - I think what it honestly comes down to is a person is scared and unhappy with where their life is at the moment and instead of confronting their probelms head on they choose to run away instead. You don't deserve someone that's gonna do that to you - especially with the two of you having a baby.

Screw the being nice. I would be cordial only because the two of you share a child but in no way give that guy the impression that what he has done to you and your family is ok or even acceptable.

The emotions you're feeling right now are to be expected. We've all gone thru them and continue to go thru them. As days go by you'll find each day gets a little easier. Right now your biggest priority should be to take the focus off your BF and concentrate solely on you and your children - those are the people that need you the most. And think about it - with the way your BF is acting - does he really deserve your attention right now anyways? No.

If you want a good example you might wanna check out AI's thread - she's younger but went thru kinda the same thing as you - a very difficult pregnancy/birth with a STBXH that left her during the pregnancy. She's gone thru some tough times but she's come out a better, stronger person for herself and her child.

Good luck darlin' and please keep posting - we're here for ya.


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## Brokenheartedpixie (Dec 5, 2012)

Thanks for your reply eternal embrace, I'm don't think I'm codependent since what happened with my co-worker, I became very hard and resentful, and locked myself away emotionally for a long time after that, my BF was very sweet,loving and patient, and eventually I grew to love and trust him again. So this come as a complete shock.
I hear a lot of people talk about no contact, would this be a good route to take? And would the 180 have any effect if doing NC?
I know that the 180 is more about improving yourself but what would be the best way to implement it to having the maximum effect on my boyfriend if he has moved out and not seeing these changes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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