# Advice on getting uncontested divorce



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

(sorry about the duplicate threads-- no one seems to respond when i post in the 'divorce' forum)

So, I have been on her the last few weeks about my wife and I-- most recently wife wants D, i want her back. 

I am going about my business, being in a good mood around her, doing some different things and told her i need her home sunday morning to go to church alone, blah blah blah. 

I take responsibility for my part in this marriage and what caused her to 'fall out of love' with me but she is convinced she needs to be on her own and I accept that. I am ready to move on. 

She is actually quite a mess about it (not changing her mind though). Her family, esp her brother and mother, are very upset and not being very kind. The one person who could really help her financially is her mother and she told her for the third time last night that she does not agree with this and not to expect any financial support. 

I have really been comforting her a lot since I came home sunday. We decided we need to both stay in the house due to abandoment laws and have been getting along better than ever ( i know this does not change anything, i told her we dont have anything to fight over). she has a job interview today and her mom was not very supportive to her last night, so I told her before I went to sleep on the couch, that tomorrow is going to be a better day for her, they are going to love her, etc. 

I am doing this to keep her amicable so we can just file and work out the details with me getting screwed as little as possible. (Plus i do love her and hate seeing her sad). 

So, anyway, I talked to a lawyer right away last Th. when she said in counseling she wants D. I have an appt with him Friday to go over some things and W is asking if we can meet with him together to work out things and just have him file. There are a lot of details we have not talked about yet, but the main things--shared custody with kids and I stay in the house-- she is for. 
My lawyer says he will tell her she is representing me and he will try to help us work out the details (possible child support while she works part time and goes to school, buyout her interest in house, figuring out her contribution to child related expenses and so on)

Any advice or thoughts going into this process are really appreciated.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Your lawyer, your meeting. W has no business there. She needs to meet with her own lawyer, not yours. Or, if you two really are as amicable as you say, lawyers aren't really necessary. You can just go file an uncontested on your own and save bundles of money.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I have an appt with him Friday to go over some things and W is asking if we can meet with him together to work out things and just have him file.


Nope. She doesn't need to be there. She is not being represented by him, so no reason for her to be present.

Draw up what you want to have happen, and take it to her later. She either signs off on what you list out, or she doesn't, but if she doesn't she needs to get her OWN representation to contest or modify.

She's on her own here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My divorce was very amicable. Preposterously so, in fact. And we lived together until 4 days after it was final. 

I met with my attorney alone the first time and went over the situation and what I wanted/expected to happen. She sent me home with some worksheets to help guide me through all of the points that would need to be addressed in the separation and custody agreements (which, in my state, later become the foundation of the divorce decree). My husband and I then spent a couple weeks going over everything at home. We came up with a written version we could agree to, then I sent it back to my attorney who drew up the preliminary papers for us both to review. We made necessary adjustments, then both met with her to sign the final paperwork. Thirty-one days later, the judge signed the divorce petition and it was all final. It took exactly 10 weeks from "I want a divorce" to receiving the recorded final decree. 

My attorney was happy to meet with both of us at any point after my initial consultation with her, but she was very clear upfront that she represented me and could not offer my husband any legal advice. She was clear that she would not communicate with him outside of my presence, nor would she take his calls or answer his emails. She also encouraged him to find his own attorney to represent his interests, as she could only represent mine. H had to sign a document declaring that he understood the representation situation and that he knew he could have his own attorney.  He opted not to hire his own, so my attorney did all the paperwork and filing for us. I paid the legal fees because I'm the one who filed and getting out was more important at that point than arguing over the expenses of the divorce. 

But I would caution you that the process, and what is and is not allowed, can vary a lot based on your location. Even more, what is really a good idea can vary greatly based on your situation and your marriage. It's best to find out from your attorney what your rights and responsibilities are in this situation. Ask your attorney to talk you through the entire process so that you'll understand what happens when, who does what, and how long each step takes.

Also, if you and your wife are going to be living together through this process, I encourage you to talk over what that "in-house separation" will actually look like. Will you still hug hello and goodbye? Will you still share the occasional dinner or take your children to the movies together? Who is going to do which chores? Who is paying for what at this point? Who is sleeping where? What will you each tell people who ask what's going on? If there are kids involved, figure out what you want to say regarding the new sleeping arrangements, etc. 

And above all, try very, very, very hard to be polite in your interactions and kind in your treatment of one another. No matter what either of you have done during the marriage that's led to this divorce, you once thought enough of each other to agree to spend your lives together. So you don't have to be affectionate, or even all that interested in each other. But just be kind.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

1.) Don't leave that house unless a court orders differently.
2.) Google recording consent laws. Figure out if you're in a one-party state, or other. In a one-party state you can, and in this case should, record any interaction with your wife that you are a party to. It's for your reference and self-preservation. Do this covertly. Only interactions you are a DIRECT PART OF. Anything else is eavesdropping and illegal. 
3.) Get a digital recorder(VAR) and use it anyway. Item 2 only pertains to how to use the information. If legal, use the information openly if needed. If not legal, then use it quietly for reference. The second time you hear her say something, after the fact, is when you'll catch what was said that you may have missed the first time. That's usually the golden egg.
4.) Don't get trapped up saying anything stupid. She may be recording. 
5.) Don't get suckered into any baiting form her. You don't need to lose everything over a petty argument that paints you as "the problem".
6.) Journal everything you do for/with your children. No matter how mundane.
7.) Start rounding up all legal documents, certified copies of same, etc. 
8.) You need a listing of all accounts. 
7.) You need a listing of all doctors, dentists, therapists, anything like that. 
9.) Make sure the school knows you as an engaged and approachable father.
10.) Don't accept things. If your lawyer says 'this is the norm', politely tell them, 'that's nice but this is what we're asking for'. If it can't be done then they should be able to demonstrate why. My 1st and only lawyer said, "You make more than her so she'll be the primary residential and primary legal parent and you'll pay CS in the amount of <x>. Plus since you've been married over 10 years here's what you'll pay in Spousal support." Fired him on the spot because he could tell my "why" other than 'I make more'. We have a 50/50 with NO primary residential/legal parent listed, no CS and no spousal. 
11.) Find an offsite location to secure all of this information. A little $60 lock box from Sentry in your office is perfect if your employer doesn't object. Also, clear browser history and cookies, always.

Go to YOUR lawyer alone. Work out what YOU want. Then if YOUR lawyer wishes to make some arrangement to mediate an agreement, discuss that with them

Some items don't need a lawyer. Check forums like this one first if there's no rush or immediate danger. Don't let this nickle and dime you.



Edit - This is IMPORTANT! Since the word "divorce" has been used, you should NOT engage in ANY intimate or otherwise physical contact with her. I hope that goes without saying, but just to be clear. If you two engage in kissing, touching or sex, she can easily trump you up for rape. Don't be that guy. No alcohol either!


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Ok, let me clarify-- I have spoken to the lawyer ( I have known him for over 20 years and his father runs very reputable law firm he know works at) twice and am going for intial meeting friday. that is ME only and W knows about it. W asked if, after lawyer and I figure out how this should go, W and I both meet with lawyer and basically have him do the paper work. 

She does not have a lawyer and does not have $$ for one, plus she does not want to fight. Almost like she just wants her freedom. 

I am being very kind and supportive, honestly she is in a much tougher place than me right now and her family is not happy with her decision

Right now I just want to come to an agreement that does not kill me financially for a long time. I was the saver in the marriage and before she went back to school, paid most of the bills and saved up $30k cash for us to move several states back to where our family is. All that money is gone now 

I am ready to move on and go back to being the disciplined saver I was, so while i need my kids to be taken care of the 50% of the time they are with her, I do not want to give until i dont have anything left over. She is probably going to have a flexible part time job by the end of today (old friends own company she can work for) and work around classes as well as getting student loans. 

So...thanks for all the responses. At this point this is VERY amicable and we both want it to stay that way.


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## Moose Mania (Oct 28, 2013)

When my ex and I split up, we were going to file ourselves, as everything was pretty cut and dry, and funds were tight but we shared a mortgage, he was keeping the house, but couldn't afford to refinance in his own name. I hired an Atty, had my first meeting with her and then pretty much everything followed Rowan's post above. He had the opportunity to have his own council, declined, fully understood the implications, knew my attorney would be working in my best interest, but since we pretty much agreed on everything, it worked well for us and kept costs down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Moose Mania said:


> When my ex and I split up, we were going to file ourselves, as everything was pretty cut and dry, and funds were tight but we shared a mortgage, he was keeping the house, but couldn't afford to refinance in his own name. I hired an Atty, had my first meeting with her and then pretty much everything followed Rowan's post above. He had the opportunity to have his own council, declined, fully understood the implications, knew my attorney would be working in my best interest, but since we pretty much agreed on everything, it worked well for us and kept costs down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you, i hope this is how it works for us. Our biggest challenges are her being in school only part time and being able to pay for her rent and the children 1/2 time and me being able to cover child care with my salary. Itll be rough but she wants her freedom and if she isnt coming back, I want out from under the marriage so i can rebuild my life and re-establish some savings, etc.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Check the situation regarding child support in your state. In my state, the courts use a formula that's available as a spreadsheet online. It takes into account who has primary physical custody and who pays for things like health insurance, out of pocket health care, dental care, school tuition and fees, extra-curricular activity expenses, travel to and from child exchanges, child care, etc. For the non-custodial parent to pay any less, or more, than the formula states requires a clear justification (that falls within a specific set of parameters) and a formal deviation request that must be approved by the court.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Check the situation regarding child support in your state. In my state, the courts use a formula that's available as a spreadsheet online. It takes into account who has primary physical custody and who pays for things like health insurance, out of pocket health care, dental care, school tuition and fees, extra-curricular activity expenses, travel to and from child exchanges, child care, etc. For the non-custodial parent to pay any less, or more, than the formula states requires a clear justification (that falls within a specific set of parameters) and a formal deviation request that must be approved by the court.


 

if we are doing 50/50 custody, are we not both custodial? We plan on splittinb child care, activities, etc though i will have them on my insurance. 

so....if my wife and i agree on something, the court will use this formula and REQUIRE i pay a certain amount anyway?


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

I am a lawyer. Even if both you and your wife are in total agreement the lawyer can only represent you. Never both. Her being present at your meeting will only cause problems.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> if we are doing 50/50 custody, are we not both custodial? We plan on splittinb child care, activities, etc though i will have them on my insurance.
> 
> so....if my wife and i agree on something, the court will use this formula and REQUIRE i pay a certain amount anyway?


Like I said, you should check what the laws are in your state. In my state, yes, the non-custodial parent is required to pay a certain amount. Unless there are extenuating circumstances which the court would allow a deviation for. 

But each state has a different set of laws, different formulas, different requirements, even different definitions for the different types of custody. So, again, _check the child support situation in your state_. So you know what you're dealing with and will have an informed, realistic, view of what child support will look like and won't be surprised when you get to that point in the negotiations.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I really hope you can work this out amicably. But as one of the people who got horribly burned by someone who said they wanted to work things out and didn't need lawyers, put yourself in a state of mind where you expect this to be a brutal, bitter divorce.

It's much easier to "be nice" when you are prepared for a protracted and bitter war, then it is the other way around. Divorce forums are riddled with people who started negotiations in your shoes and ended with "why was I so dumb??"


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Seems like no one is reading. Yes, i HAVE a lawyer. The lawyer is representing me and said if we can work it out, it will be a matter of him just filing paperwork but he said he is representing ME. She does not have a lawyer, resources for a lawyer nor apparently any interest in a lawyer as she has ASKED if we can do this through my lawyer. 

She is NOT coming to my initial meeting with him. 


She potentially could go from making $0 in 2013 to $30k next year also. She just got a job to support herself while she is paying taxes. 

The custodial and non custodial-- this applies when we BOTH have custody? 

The child support-- this cannot be agreed upon by us? My lawyer has indicated if we agree on it it is just a matter of signing, regardless of what would have happened had we gone to court.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> Seems like no one is reading. Yes, i HAVE a lawyer. The lawyer is representing me and said if we can work it out, it will be a matter of him just filing paperwork but he said he is representing ME.


Maybe you aren't listening to US. You are walking into this thinking everything will be peachy keen and feeling sorry for your wife. For all you know she could be getting her sh*t together to screw the pants off of you in court. Until your papers are signed and filed in court, you need to prepare yourself for a long, protracted, custody battle where you are her bitter enemy.

Don't take what she says at face value, don't put yourself in a bad situation to appease her or make her feel better. Spend some time reading the forums at divorcedads.com . If I'm wrong and you get through everything without a scratch, then congratulations. But don't plan on it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> The custodial and non custodial-- this applies when we BOTH have custody?
> 
> The child support-- this cannot be agreed upon by us? My lawyer has indicated if we agree on it it is just a matter of signing, regardless of what would have happened had we gone to court.


Ok. Last try.

Different states can have differing types of custody, and different definitions of what each type entails. Find out what "custody" can mean in your state. 

Different states can have different requirements for child support. Find out what your state requires. 

Find out these things before you go to the trouble of coming to a negotiated agreement with your wife. Because there's no sense in agreeing to something that the courts in your state will not accept. All that does is delay things, cause hard feelings and increase the attorney fees. Find out what is going on in your state so you can do it right the first time. It may well be that all you have to do is agree to a number with your wife. But find out.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

COguy said:


> Maybe you aren't listening to US. You are walking into this thinking everything will be peachy keen and feeling sorry for your wife. For all you know she could be getting her sh*t together to screw the pants off of you in court. Until your papers are signed and filed in court, you need to prepare yourself for a long, protracted, custody battle where you are her bitter enemy.
> 
> Don't take what she says at face value, don't put yourself in a bad situation to appease her or make her feel better. Spend some time reading the forums at divorcedads.com . If I'm wrong and you get through everything without a scratch, then congratulations. But don't plan on it.


there are about 4 responses stating that my wife shouldnt come to the meeting. if she cant come to the meeting AFTER i have my initial consul with my lawyer, we will never be able to come to an agreement. 

Frankly, she doesnt have a lawyer. I expected by now that someone would have talked her into it but she has asked 3 times to just use my lawyer with me. 

There is a huge amount of group think on this board-- my wife doesnt want to have sex, she IS cheating-- well, she wasnt. 

Im glad for those who actually read and give info. 

We agree to share custody and I get responses about custodial and non-custodial, then I ask if this applies since we are doing SHARED custody and no answer.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Every state is different. Every county is different. Every judge is different. You're asking random people on the internet what can and can't be done in your district, even if you get an answer it won't be a good one. That's a question for your attorney or internet research on your local laws.

You asked for advice, we gave it.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

She does not have to have a lawyer. I do not recommend that, however. Many spouses proceed unrepresented particularly in cases where all issues are agreed upon.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Mo42 said:


> if she cant come to the meeting AFTER i have my initial consul with my lawyer, we will never be able to come to an agreement.


Why not? Is she incapable of reading a piece of paper and signing it?



> There is a huge amount of group think on this board-- my wife doesnt want to have sex, she IS cheating-- well, she wasnt.


We're just giving you the odds. Usually, when a woman behaves as your wife has, it means another man is in the picture. I don't recall any poster saying that an affair was 100% guaranteed.



> We agree to share custody and I get responses about custodial and non-custodial, then I ask if this applies since we are doing SHARED custody and no answer.


As other posters have stated, there are 50 sets of divorce laws in the U.S. Are you expecting us to guess which state you're in and then give you the appropriate laws? A much better strategy is to just talk to a local lawyer.

Also, you have stated that you would like to win your wife back. But you're doing it entirely wrong. Part of the 180 is to withdraw from your wife and show her how hard life will be when her family blames her for blowing up your family and you're no longer around to support her. The 180 does not advise you to be your wife's emotional tampon and help her through the difficult process of kicking you out on your a$$ and collecting cash and prizes.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Two things....

I did my own uncontested divorce. One thing THIS court required was to have the papers looked at by an attorney before even coming into court. So I paid an attorney $75 to look them over, ask me a few questions and give me a letter with his approval. But that is my local court..... it wouldn't hurt your w to go ahead and figure things out with you, have your atty write it all up, and then get someone to look it over for HER. 

The 2nd thing... My atty in FL said that if we filed in ______ county we (ex and I) could agree to our own numbers for child support. If we went to the next county, he could guarantee that the judge would go by the numbers in the state formula. 

So we can't technically answer that question. It varies. Do your homework online.... figure out the formulas, just in case the judge only goes that way .... you won't be blindsided. The more you figure out via onlline digging, the less you will bother your lawyer with pricey questions. Or at least your questions will be based on well informed premisses. 

Good Luck!


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Mo,

Your wife can meet with your lawyer. The proper term for it is Pro Se. It basically means that she will represent herself.

As mentioned, each state has it's own laws regarding custody, CS and Spousal. Confer with your lawyer. But as I said before, don't allow your friend to assume you have to pay CS or Spousal. If you both agree and there isn't any reason for the court to feel you will stop agreeing you may, usually, deviate from the default template.

My ex and I got our arguing out of our system long before court, etc. By the time we filed everything was agreeable. 

We agreed to no primary residential/legal parents being named in the decree. 

We agreed to no CS in lieu of me carrying the health and dental insurance and paying for extracurricular sports equipment costs. Ice-skates and costumes for ice-skates basically. Don't laugh. That crap gets expensive.

While you are amicable today, I mentioned things that seemed harsh in my first response as a precaution for you. Things can stop being amicable really quickly and unexpectedly. In my case it started out good, then ugly. Then I produced some recordings of my ex being a pure NJ, etc, and everything went easy after that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't think the OP should be so accommodating. She can get her own attorney. SHE wants the divorce, he doesn't. She needs to figure it out on her own. JMO


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't think the OP should be so accommodating. She can get her own attorney. SHE wants the divorce, he doesn't. She needs to figure it out on her own. JMO


True. But there is a benefit to driving the train.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In my state, even if we have joint custody, there is always one parent who is deemed to have physical custody. There is a state formula that requires the parent with non-physical custody to pay a certain percentage to the parent with physical custody.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't think the OP should be so accommodating. She can get her own attorney. SHE wants the divorce, he doesn't. She needs to figure it out on her own. JMO


Her getting her own lawyer would involve a significantly larger CS for me. I DONT WANT her to get her own lawyer. I am dictating the terms now and as long as I am fair she is going to go along with it. If she gets her own lawyer that all changes. 

I did talk with my lawyer and he said that due to her being in school and part time job, i would have to pay her SOME child support. He will put in the decree the low end and i threw the # out to wife and she is ok with it. I am getting credit for having kids on my ins also.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> In my state, even if we have joint custody, there is always one parent who is deemed to have physical custody. There is a state formula that requires the parent with non-physical custody to pay a certain percentage to the parent with physical custody.


That's the NY standard also. But as long as the court doesn't feel that one party is trying to leverage an unfair or obvious tilt against the other, you may deviate from the standard. Both parties have to be in agreement and appear to be cooperative as co-parents in order to have no primaries labeled. CS is always negotiable beyond the calculator.


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