# angry,sad and confused..where to go from here



## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Hi..I come here with a very heavy heart and just looking for some support and advise since i feel i can't talk to anyone else about this. i have been married to the same man for over 20years. He is the only person i have been with sexually,kissing etc..I was a virgin when we married. I thought he was too until recently. I developed an excruciating rash on my genitals and while i'm still waiting on test results the doctor is pretty certain it's herpes. And it appears the antivirals he prescribed are starting to work so i think i know in my heart as well I have it. How could this be? We have only been with one another...well after questioning my husband heavily he finally confessed he wasn't a virgin prior to marriage. He had been with at least half a dozen girls.(mutual masterbation, oral sex, genital rubbing etc..) and honestly i don't even really believe that he didn't have full on sex at this point. He says he has been faithful through our marriage but I don't even know that i can trust those words. Our marriage has not been without struggle. Almost separating 3years ago. Our sex life is infrequent. He has a history of lying to me but never did i think i would ever hear that he had been with other woman. I feel like a fool..like i was played throughout our marriage. I'm running different things in my head and thinking how could he have sat there while i would say certain things and not confess? He had to be laughing inside. I feel like those 'first' moments of intimacy between us was a lie. I believed we were 'learning' together and i that was so far from the truth. I feel so betrayed and angry I could burst! I don't know that i can forgive him for one more lie. I feel disgusting and think even if i did leave him who the hell would want a woman with herpes. I'm not even sure he will touch me again once my ulcers have healed. He says he didn't tell me because he thought i would have left him prior to marriage..and after marriage he felt he didn't need to. Where do i go from here? I would never think at the age of 44yrs and married would i hear the word std herpes. I can't stop crying and can barely look at him. I can't get the images of him with these women out of my mind and it's driving me crazy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I am not trying to defend your husband, but I think if you asked a group of people where does making out end and having sex begin that you would probably get different answers:

• Hugging
• Kissing
• Seeing each other nude
• Touching each other
• Oral Stimulation
• Non penetrative genital rubbing
• Brief penetration with a condom
• Penetration with a condom and orgasm
• Brief penetration without protection
• Bare penetration and orgasm with birth control 
• Intercourse for the purpose of creating a family

If you were to ask me, I would say that intent and context are much more important that all of the above. It is easy to dismiss a young woman being manipulated or coerced into many of the situations above as still being a virgin by all the moral standards in our society. However if a young man finds himself in a situation where he may have been seduced against his better judgment by a young woman enjoying his attention, society tends to say that he got lucky and most everyone will easily dismiss any chance that he may have been abused and ashamed of the situation. 

One thing is for sure, regardless if your husband was a virgin or not, the two of you need to work on trust and communication. But be patient when it comes to judging him and hating yourself, as that will do you no good.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you sure he's been faithful? It seems odd that it would take 20 years for you to get a Herpes rash.....but since I'm not a doctor I don't claim to know.

You did say he has a history of lying and your sex life is infrequent. The odds of him getting it elsewhere are materially greater than zero.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Are you sure he's been faithful? It seems odd that it would take 20 years for you to get a Herpes rash.....but since I'm not a doctor I don't claim to know.
> 
> You did say he has a history of lying and your sex life is infrequent. The odds of him getting it elsewhere are materially greater than zero.


My thought, too.

I'd have a serious conversation with the doctor and do some independent research, because last I checked it could take years for herpes to show up, but not 20.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My concern wouldn't be so much that he wasn't a virgin when we got married but if he has been faithful to you during your marriage. Sorry to bring those thoughts out loud. Did he recently get herpes or has he had it for over 20 years and just recently you have contracted it from him? Is there a reason you two don't have sex often? I'm sorry you are going though this but you have to get the truth. I think this will be difficult as he proves he is a liar but start doing some snooping. If he did contact this before you two got married then there isn't much you can do. Stay and forgive him or leave.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

did he actually lie or more 'with-hold information'. it might be hard to remember back those 20 years to when you were dating and what he told you, but try to think back.

did he say something like; "i never had sex" or more explicitly "iv'e never been with a woman sexually"?

i might not make a difference practically speaking now, but it does make a difference in your going forward.
if he outright lied to you in explicit words, then your anger is more justified than otherwise, and while i'm not suggesting it, could be
grounds for annulment religiously or civilly (and i'm not a lawyer, so don't quote me).

sorry for your pain.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear about what's happening to you .

What has your husband's reaction been to all of this? If he's never had symptoms, and it's taken 20 years for you to have symptoms, one would think a faithful husband would be accusing YOU of cheating. That would be the logical conclusion a faithful husband with no symptoms would come to, right? If he's not showing any suspicion toward you, I'd really have to question HIS fidelity.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm sorry to hear about what's happening to you .
> 
> What has your husband's reaction been to all of this? If he's never had symptoms, and it's taken 20 years for you to have symptoms, one would think a faithful husband would be accusing YOU of cheating. That would be the logical conclusion a faithful husband with no symptoms would come to, right? If he's not showing any suspicion toward you, I'd really have to question HIS fidelity.


yeh, me too.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Thank you everyone..all the things you mention are all the concerns running through my mind. I haven't actually picked the doctors brain on it yet since we are waiting on official results but I have read in numerous places that herpes can lay dormant for decades. And or..people often have an minor outbreak much earlier and don't even realize what it really is brushing it off as a pimple etc..Then when immunity is low or periods of stress something like this happens. I understand many have sex before marriage and even when he told me I tried to see it in that light but its the lie that is bothering me. The break in trust. How do i believe anything he says anymore? Our marriage hasn't been without problem..and i think the sex isn't all that frequent because of a lot of built up resentment, his feeling he can't please me etc.. When I asked him straight out about any marital infidelity he looked me straight in the eye and said no..it seemed very convincing but he duped me 20+years ago too. Even without loads of sex..He still is affectionate..giving kisses and hugs. I really want to believe he didn't stray but I just don't know anymore.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

well about three months ago i had a similar ulceration going on and the doctor suspected herpes then but everything came back negative. Now i know they can get false negatives. I'm hoping it is negative this time but everything matches textbook up with herpes. The first time i brought it up he was like wtf..how can that happen? He did kinda look at me funny but i quickly and passionately defended the fact that I had never been with anyone else. He on the other hand obviously knew his past..but at that time he 100% defended that he was faithful to me during our marriage and i believed him. Now this time..again when i requestioned him i told him the nurse said, "someones lying". He said tell me again how you can get it..i told him about herpes as much as i had learned on it and that's when he went into listing his past sexual encounters. He even says to me now, 'i still don't believe this is herpes..how can it be that long?"..he looks absolutely puzzled by the whole thing.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

intheory said:


> Maybe he's like Bill Clinton, "I did not have sex with that woman."
> 
> 
> Because oral sex, "isn't really sex"
> ...


When he started listing all the things he did..he said well that isn't really sex and i actually said, "wtf are you bill clinton?" I have asked him directly ..since we have been married have you kissed, touched, rubbed on, had sex with any other woman or her on you and he firmly and quickly says no...so i don't know what to think

I can't stop crying..not only for the loss of more trust in our marriage, but for me having to suffer for his decisions. I didn't get a choice in the matter..he made it for me and that makes me very angry. He told me the person who he got closest to full on sex with and she seriously was the school *****. I wouldn't doubt for a moment she was a carrier of herpes because she slept with everyone.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

intheory said:


> Well, as you may be aware, herpes can be transmitted just by skin contact if the infected person is having an outbreak.
> 
> So, if your husband rubbed up against someone (without penetration) while they had an outbreak, that might be all that it would take.:frown2:
> 
> And he's never had any kind of symptom, ever?


The only symptom which now i think may have been misdiagnosed happened about three or so years ago. He broke out in a blistery rash on the side of his torso. Dr said it was shingles but maybe it was herpes..it was never swabed. The girl he was with as a teenager..he says it wasn't full penetration..again not sure what to believe. He said he didn't have protection and didn't want to get her pregnant.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

the dude is full of it. If he contracted herpes more than 20 years ago when he was having some sort of sex with other women, then im afraid you would have contracted it in the last 20 years....guaranteed!!!! You said yourself that you dont have sex often....so lets face facts, he probably went and banged someone else in the last couple of years because you guys are not having it at your place. Alls it takes is a fair amount of alcohol and a freshly separated woman to come on to him on a night where youre not with him. I wouldnt put it past him. 20 years and all of the sudden you contract herpes? The odds are astronomical at best. Hes already lied to you in the beginning of your dating so what makes you think hes squeaky clean with the truth now? He lied to cover up his tracks years ago, and guess what? Hes lying again to cover up his tracks....Hes not going to come out and admit that he had an affair on you and contracted herpes...i sure as hell wouldnt. You need to think back to a time where trust waned for just a bit....when you thought maybe just maybe he wasnt being faithful...i guarantee you've had those thoughts in the last few years.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Maybe he didn't want to have sex frequently throughout your marriage because he was having regular outbreaks all along. 

It seems strange that the swab they took on you last time came back negative though. Perhaps it really isn't herpes. Look into the autoimmune condition called "hidradenitis suppurativa". It can present in the genital area exactly like herpes. It is very painful but is not contagious. It could also be a staph infection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Maybe he didn't want to have sex frequently throughout your marriage because he was having regular outbreaks all along.
> 
> It seems strange that the swab they took in you last time came back negative though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I'd say it is totally possible he avoided sex around times he was having an outbreak. Maybe he didn't know he had herpes. I mean, seriously, he seems a bit clueless about STD transmission. Maybe he had sexual contact, but not sex, with the woman who gave him the disease and he sincerely thought it wasn't possible to contract anything that way. So, he has outbreaks and avoids sex while being in denial of what's happening to his body.

Could also be he was asymptomatic for the most part and only had mild symptoms when they did present, so he thought it was just some random skin irritation or allergy.

Unfortunately, false negative herpes swabs are common. According to the CDC, certain tests are insensitive because viral shedding is intermittent, "failure to detect HSV by culture or PCR does not indicate and absence of HSV infection." The test becomes less able to read the virus the more outbreaks a person has had.

Also, it seems which test is used makes a difference and that both types of test are recommended.
"Serologic tests are blood tests that detect antibodies to the herpes virus. Several ELISA-based serologic tests are FDA approved and available commercially. *Older assays that do not accurately distinguish HSV-1 from HSV-2 antibody remain on the market, so providers should specifically request serologic type-specific assays when blood tests are performed for their patients. *The sensitivities of type-specific serologic tests for HSV-2 vary from 80-98%; false-negative results might be more frequent at early stages of infection. Additionally, false positive results may occur at low index values and should be confirmed with another test such as Biokit or the Western Blot. Negative HSV-1 results should be interpreted with caution because some ELISA-based serologic tests are insensitive for detection of HSV-1 antibody."


Also according to the CDC, herpes positive people can shed the virus even when not having an active outbreak.

"Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. *HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. *Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. *Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have visible sores and who may not know that he or she is infected.* In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV *shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms.*"

Now here's something interesting...

*"For the symptomatic patient, testing with both virologic and serologic assays can determine whether it is a new infection or a newly-recognized old infection. A primary infection would be supported by a positive virologic test and a negative serologic test, while the diagnosis of recurrent disease would be supported by positive virologic and serologic test results."*

Apparently, the doctor can tell if the infection is new or old....


STD Facts - Genital Herpes (Detailed version)


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Maybe he didn't want to have sex frequently throughout your marriage because he was having regular outbreaks all along.
> 
> It seems strange that the swab they took on you last time came back negative though. Perhaps it really isn't herpes. Look into the autoimmune condition called "hidradenitis suppurativa". It can present in the genital area exactly like herpes. It is very painful but is not contagious. It could also be a staph infection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He wanted sex throughout the marriage but i was the one turning him away often. I went through a time of depression and my sex drive plummeted. He was coming on to me all those years. We do have sex just not as much as i would like..last month once..the month before that maybe twice. I'm praying it isn't herpes and i will definitely look into the condition you mention. The doctor said my blood work could be false negative and the appearance was very 'herpatic' in nature so that's where my worry set in. But if it was a staph infection would it respond to antivirals because it seems to be improving since i started them.?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sweets said:


> But if it was a staph infection would it respond to antivirals because it seems to be improving since i started them.?


Staph is a bacteria and not a virus, so probably not.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Maybe he didn't want to have sex frequently throughout your marriage because he was having regular outbreaks all along.
> 
> It seems strange that the swab they took on you last time came back negative though. Perhaps it really isn't herpes. Look into the autoimmune condition called "hidradenitis suppurativa". It can present in the genital area exactly like herpes. It is very painful but is not contagious. It could also be a staph infection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





MJJEAN said:


> Yes, I'd say it is totally possible he avoided sex around times he was having an outbreak. Maybe he didn't know he had herpes. I mean, seriously, he seems a bit clueless about STD transmission. Maybe he had sexual contact, but not sex, with the woman who gave him the disease and he sincerely thought it wasn't possible to contract anything that way. So, he has outbreaks and avoids sex while being in denial of what's happening to his body.
> 
> Could also be he was asymptomatic for the most part and only had mild symptoms when they did present, so he thought it was just some random skin irritation or allergy.
> 
> ...


The first time i had something like this similar happen to my genitals it was way less severe but very similar in appearance, pain etc.. The doctor did swabs and blood work for what appeared to be all the std's. I did see him test for hsv1 and 2 on the blood work paper and i think it was IGG type. All of these tests were done when i was about a week or more into the outbreak and already on antivirals for 2days. Not sure if that would matter.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sweets said:


> The first time i had something like this similar happen to my genitals it was way less severe but very similar in appearance, pain etc.. The doctor did swabs and blood work for what appeared to be all the std's. I did see him test for hsv1 and 2 on the blood work paper and i think it was IGG type. All of these tests were done when i was about a week or more into the outbreak and already on antivirals for 2days. Not sure if that would matter.


Well, if you were already on antivirals when the tests were run and false negatives are somewhat common, I wouldn't trust that test. I'd say it's possible the antivirals knocked the infection down to the point where the tests gave a false negative.

Take the info from the CDC link I posted above, print it, speak to your doctor and make sure the tests being run currently are the ones recommended and make sure that both culture and blood is being run since the results there can tell you if the infection is older or newer.

If you don't get satisfactory answers from your current doctor or you want his/her opinion verified, you can always go to another doctor for retesting and diagnosis.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as much as it is possible that he violated your pre-marital vows by lying about his past with a woman, it may have been somewhat fuzzy in his mind.
i'm not telling you what to forgive or forget, that is your decision, but maybe it is forgivable.

what would be far less forgivable probably is outright infidelity during the course of your married life. 
isn't that what's keeping you awake at night to a large degree? 
one suggestion is to ask him to take a lie detector test and see what his reaction is, or even to follow through with it.

after all this is your marriage and if you let it fester any more than it already has, it will poison beyond repair.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> as much as it is possible that he violated your pre-marital vows by lying about his past with a woman, it may have been somewhat fuzzy in his mind.
> i'm not telling you what to forgive or forget, that is your decision, but maybe it is forgivable.
> 
> what would be far less forgivable probably is outright infidelity during the course of your married life.
> ...


You are right..i think with time perhaps i could forgive the lie prior to marriage after all we have been married a long time. If i knew he was unfaithful through our marriage that is another story. That is indeed what is keeping me up at night. I have no way to prove that without his honesty. He swears up and down he hasn't been unfaithful. I just wish i could stop crying and worrying. I had to take another day off work and i'm sure my boss isn't pleased with me but i can't walk without major pain. My job is on foot all day, bending, twisting, lifting..i can't imagine doing that right now. I'm depressed beyond belief and I can't even imagine being pleasant with customers and coworkers . I made something up as to why i wasn't there because i don't want everyone knowing what is going on. Plus i have to wait for my final results. I hate life right now and just wish i would die to stop all this pain in my body and heart.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

Results in..tested positive for hsv 1 genitals. ;(


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, sweets.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry to hear this. Sweets the you have to strike while the iron is hot and tell your H you are filing right now, get the lawyer and scare him to death if he still wont come clean, time to go ahead.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sweets said:


> Results in..tested positive for hsv 1 genitals. ;(


Sweets, I'm so sorry to hear this.  How are things with your husband? Has he fessed up to anything? (I really, really think there's something for him to fess up to here....)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why won't anyone say it? 

Sweets, your husband cheated on you and gave you an std. It's not the end of the world. They even have dating sites for people with herpes. 
I hear 1/4 people have it, and that 
The symptoms usually get less severe and far less frequent. I studied up when I had to get tested for everything before my current lady would have sex with me, lol. 

Sounds like your marriage is pretty rough. My suggestion is file for divorce and get the truth and see if you want to stay married. 
Very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

What I find extremely suspect is that your husband asked you about the possibilities of how you contracted it before coming clean about these so called women from over 20 years ago. Like he wanted to know what possible excuse he could use. I'm also in the "he cheated" camp. I'm so sorry OP.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sorry for the bad news. Did the doctor run tests for all STDs or just herpes? If just herpes, get the full STD testing.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

sweets said:


> Results in..tested positive for hsv 1 genitals. ;(


I am very sorry to hear that sweets.


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Sweets, I'm so sorry to hear this.  How are things with your husband? Has he fessed up to anything? (I really, really think there's something for him to fess up to here....)


Thank you..We have actually been talking ALOT lately. He remains firm he has been faithful through our marriage and I believe him. Dr. said my husband was likely an asymptomatic carrier of hsv1 (which is the one that cause cold sores). He said a large majority of the population go a lifetime without even know they have it because they never show symptoms. He then at some point during our marriage gave me oral sex and that's how it was transmitted. My immunity was low and bam outbreak. My husband has been open with me about all the the concerns I've raised. He has answered EVERY question i have asked him, opened up everything for me to see. He is extremely apologetic for lying to me prior to marriage and keeping the lie going all these years. He says he would have never imagined something from that far back could potentially cause what i was going through thus that is why he didn't mention it earlier. But I have asked dr after dr and all say it can remain dormant for that long. That being said this is not hsv2 which is genital to genital. This is caused by the exact virus that causes a cold sore on your lip. He played sports for years and always shared cups/water bottles. He's shared drinks with others as an adult. So who knows where he picked it up. I guess after so many hours of talking over the last few weeks i am going with my gut feeling..and that is he has been faithful. Yes our marriage has had struggles and periods of infrequent sex but this hasn't been our entire marriage. I believe if he is willing to be forthcoming and completely honest going forward we can work on this. Time will tell and I haven't let my guard down completely but this is where i stand today. Thank you for all your support. xo


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## sweets (May 27, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Sorry for the bad news. Did the doctor run tests for all STDs or just herpes? If just herpes, get the full STD testing.


Yes everything was tested..all else negative


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Aww, Sweets, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you tested positive and are in pain, but I am happy for you that your H has been faithful.


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