# Need advice, but nowhere to turn.



## codepen (Jul 14, 2017)

I need advice.

My wife and I have been married over a decade and have two great kids.

I'll try to be objective in describing the situation we're currently facing.

Lately she has been upset with me for a number of reasons:

- Kids are home for summer and driving her nuts
- We haven’t been connecting like we used to
- My job has been more demanding of my time/attention
- She feels like I make the important decisions in our marriage

So things have been tense, for sure. 

One hot button issue is travel. She is self-employeed, and loves to travel, but generally can't because we struggle to afford it. She sees her other self-employeed colleagues traveling every few months, which makes her angry, and that gets directed at me.

Today, I was notified that I have to travel for work in a few weeks, and that news was the straw that broke the camel's back. She's absolutely furious with me.

Truth be told, I don't want to go on the trip. I'd rather be home with my family. But she doesn't want to hear that when I tell her, she can't see past the anger she has toward the situation.

I don't have anyone I can turn to for advice. I can put myself in her position, and I get it. But I don't know how to address the situation with her to make her feel better. I've told her that I don't want to go ... that I didn't make the choice to go (it's mandated for work), but that only infuriates her more.

I could use some advice here.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you two frequently having sex? Is she depressed? Why don't you put the kids in summer camp or send to grand parents? 

Sounds like she needs a break. Does she interact with other adults during the day or just you when you come home at night?

Are you meeting her physical and emotional needs? If not, are you sure no one else is?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Let me give tell you a little secret about women. She's not mad about the trip. She's just using the trip as way to vent her emotions at you. I'm going to translate from woman talk into man talk for you what her being upset probably means. 

-Kids are driving her nuts = you aren't helping out with the kids and she feels taken for granted. 
-Haven't been connecting = you aren't picking up on the clues she's giving you that she's not happy. You should be trying to communicate with her so that she feels heard.
-Job is demanding your attention = you are ignoring her and not making her a priority.
-Important decision making = she doesn't care about the decisions but rather that you don't have a partnership where she feels heard. 



codepen said:


> I can put myself in her position, and I get it. But I don't know how to address the situation with her to make her feel better. I've told her that I don't want to go ... that I didn't make the choice to go (it's mandated for work), but that only infuriates her more.


That's because she's not mad about the trip. She's mad about all the other stuff I mentioned. You are trying to solve a problem with rational logic but she's emotional because you are neglecting her. See the disconnect and why it won't work. You need to engage her emotional side to make her feel heard and for her to feel like you've resolved this issue. 

Need advice too on how to deal with this?


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## codepen (Jul 14, 2017)

Bananapeel - yes, that's exactly right.

Those are her underlying feelings ... and the trip is the issue that bringing them all back to the surface.

It kills me that I put her through this.

How would other husband handle this situation?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Can she go on the trip with you?

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You put kids up with family for 3-4 days, go rent a Mustang convertible, and take her on a fun road trip. Trust me, I hate spending money, but money spent to keep your wife happy and in love with you is worth every cent. Time to step up to the plate and make her feel loved. If it's awkward for you two to hang out alone, then you probably need MC or go find a new wife.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

@GuyInColorado is completely right. I'd do a variation on that. I'd tell her that you have something to discuss with her and take her on a surprise date (have a babysitter waiting). Then use that time to communicate with her in a way that will make her feel heard. You need to figure out how she feels and when she tells you, you ask her "is there more" or "anything else" until she is done. Practice repeating what she says. 

For example, if she says she feels like the kids are driving her nuts you'd say: so I bet that I was neglecting your needs by not helping more with the kids and that made your frustrated. That's not very fair to you is it? What else...tell me more. 

When she says she's mad about your job demanding attention you'd say something like: I bet that by giving all that attention to my job you feel like I'm neglecting you. Is that right? You know baby that I think about you every second of the day, and I need to do a better job of letting you know how important you are to me. Is that right? What else... 

Then you keep going until you've addressed all of her issues. Since women are emotional you need to engage her emotions in your conversation so she feels heard. There are some good utube videos on how to do this. If I have time I'll check them up and PM them to you.


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## codepen (Jul 14, 2017)

Brilliant advice. Thanks guys.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't let her off the hook, either. If she is unhappy, she needs to learn to communicate it with you honestly. That's HER responsibility. You're not a mind reader. 

Women that learn to stop speaking rediculous "Hintese" get a lot more of what they want. She needs to learn to articulate her needs into quantifiable values for the greatest effect. 

Not the nebulous "I need help with the kids" but "I need you to feed them, bathe them, and get them to bed tonight." Knowing EXACTLY what she needs serves you twofold: 1. You satisfy what she communicated as her need and 2. She can't blame you for not doing something when it's SPECIFIC. "Helping with the kids" could be anything to you that appears helpful, but to her it could be a very specific thing that you're supposed to mind read. 

You should get her the book, "Dance of Anger." it will help her to understand and work on her communication.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. take her with you! The kids can stay with grandma or another relative. 

My mom went on some trips with my dad when he was traveling and she enjoyed it.. If my spouse traveled, I would do the same!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All the above is good advice. 

The two of you do not know how to communicate well. She clearly does not. But neither do you. So you need to learn to how to do this. Plus, the two of you are not 'dating' and are letting your relationship die a slow, painful death.

There are two books that will teach you want you need to do: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You need to read the books together and do the work they suggest.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Satya said:


> Don't let her off the hook, either. If she is unhappy, she needs to learn to communicate it with you honestly. That's HER responsibility. You're not a mind reader.
> 
> Women that learn to stop speaking rediculous "Hintese" get a lot more of what they want. She needs to learn to articulate her needs into quantifiable values for the greatest effect.
> 
> Not the nebulous "I need help with the kids" but "I need you to feed them, bathe them, and get them to bed tonight." Knowing EXACTLY what she needs serves you twofold: 1. You satisfy what she communicated as her need and 2. She can't blame you for not doing something when it's SPECIFIC. "Helping with the kids" could be anything to you that appears helpful, but to her it could be a very specific thing that you're supposed to mind read.


This. I'm not saying you're a perfect husband, and I'm sure there are ways you could help your wife out more, but for goodness sake, her behaviour is absolutely ridiculous!


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