# Polar opposites, unhappy, HELP



## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Well this is my 1st time on ANY type of marriage anything, but I really don't want to be a single mom! and I was never very good at dating  I will try and sum it up the best I can with as much info as possible but I apologize now for the length! I really appreciate ANY other perspectives on this.

OK..I am 30, husband is 33 been married almost 5 years and have a son who just turned 2. We actually have been together about 7+ yrs now and I knew him in high school (friends w my sister) so I knew a lot about him. I am a makeup artist (this has a point!) so I have been around hundreds of brides and "wedding days" so I know how MOST brides feel...except, I guess this is my 1st question/issue. (I have terrible anxiety) but on my big day I really didn't feel anything. Maybe because I had taken Xanax throughout the day, i'm a horrible person, it was a mistake?! I feel awful for saying, but I felt BLANK all day  I had a great time. Granted I am NOT your 'girly girl' i'm not one to get mushy, talk about our feelings, say i love you all the time, etc.

Anyway, quick background is I have been a 'medical mystery' my whole life and it sucks! I have felt like crap since I was 10 (passing out, surgery, pain) so my general attitude kind of sucks and I know that but i'm just sick of being sick! I give him credit for dealing with me and my ailments for this long and he's really good about it, but is that enough? He is a great dad also.

My big thing right now (and it's getting worse) is I look at him and I got nothin  I don't just look at him like some couples and say "damn my husband's hot" or want to do anything. All I see or want to say is all the stupid little things that make me crazy about him! I know I sound like a monster-maybe I am. We are just SOOO different on everything! politics..arrhh we get in heated debates, even when I say we CANNOT talk about it - he doesn't stop. I don't know how I can possibly motivate him anymore to WANT to be better and not settle for these BS jobs, accepting everything authority says, never standing up for himself, etc. I should have considered a lot more things before hand like NO savings (while at home), never really followed thru with things, etc. BUT he is a very good guy, good heart and would do anything for us (well he has that attitude!) because he can't change the simple things that I ask all the time. 

I really haven't explained what I wanted but I don't want to bore you and use this as a session. I just don't know what to do. I have talked with him about tons of this and he gets upset and says he's sorry, work on it, etc and it lasts for about a day. I'm just sick and tired of fighting and his antagonizing. it's at the point I literally can't say anything nice! anything that i might say, reminds me of the 1000+ things that make me crazy and I just don't like him for it. reading this i know a lot of it is me and my personality but that's part of the question...I work my butt off when I can to make money, which he gets a lil bent out of shape about b/c I can make his 2 week check in a weekend...but I didn't start like that. I do it so I can stay home and raise my little one, not a stranger. He just has this 'entitled' attitude like his job he has (it supports us and i appreciate that, but he can 200% get a better/less hour job) we don't have much money but he threw a fit when I found a used car that wasn't even an embarassing one for him!! if you can't afford something./.you can't have it! ahhh sorry i'm rambling again!

If I have made ANY sense or you can get a grasp of any part of what i'm saying PLEASE PLEASE let me know your thoughts. I apologize again for the length and scatter-brain behind it! Thanks


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It is hard to tell what the deeper issues are because you don't really give specific examples of what exactly your husband is doing that you don't like besides not making enough money and not being more assertive. But his personality is probably what attracted you in the beginning, so I would question whether you could handle a more assertive man. 

All I know is that when someone is unhappy with their spouse, they are usually unhappy with themselves deep down, too. Maybe YOU aren't happy with yourself and you are blaming your husband for your unhappiness (which is pretty common).

I would encourage you to get marriage counseling. Divorce sucks, especially when kids are involved. And thinking you can trade in your less-than-perfect husband for a richer, hotter guy may or may not happen. The grass is rarely greener. I got divorced at 32 and was very attractive, had a great job, owned my own home, and it took me a very long time to find someone who was normal! 

If you can save what you have, you should. Life is not a storybook fairytale. Each partner is flawed and we have to learn to accept ourselves and accept our spouses as they are, warts and all. People who can't, like JLO and Elizabeth Taylor, end up cycling through marriages because they fail to realize the problem is THEM.

I'm not saying you don't have legitimate concerns, it just sounds like you are blaming your husband for everything.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I know that it is hard when you see every little thing about your spouse that drives you crazy. It strips everything you feel for them away and before you know it all you do is find their faults. 
I think you need to do something about that. It does not make you a bad person or a monster it just means you are human and have fallen into a thinking pattern that will only get worse if left unchecked. There are lots of books and you could go see someone talking helps. Just do something for your self.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

it would help if you stated in fewer words exactly what you dont like about your husband.
I get the feeling that perhaps your friends have more successful husbands than you.
What exactly do you ask all the time. Its not fair to try to force him to change his job. Its no use giving excuses that its your personality, that nothing more than that, an excuse.
You have to figure someway of getting along with him. Did you ever. I see money is the root here (of all evil).
I dont think counselling will help. You have to of course improve what you can. But after that you have to have more positive feelings about him. Look at his good points. Just because you have different views on politics shouldnt be a catastrophe. Its not religion. You dont want divorce quite right, but you also dont want to carry on like you are. I think its up to you.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

I'm actually not talking about money so much as his 'personality' I guess. Example, he lived at home his whole 20s and didn't save for the future. I think that's a personality/responsible thing. The job issue is 2 things. He is settling because he won't speak up and being taken advantage of...and he hates it there! Don't get me wrong, a lot of people would just quit but there is US to think about so he sucks it up and I DO appreciate it. He also wants another baby. We can not do that on this salary. I just want him to be motivated and I can't make him anymore and I don't want to be his mom.
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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Do you have a job to supplement his income?

There are a lot of people struggling right now with our economy... Getting a job is a really hard thing right now. My H has been looking for a better job for 2 years now. But we have to just settle for what we have and hope things get better.

As for saving during the 20s... I don't know many people who have done that. I think it's common for people to party and spend in their 20s and near the 30s, then they start to think of a house, etc. Of course there are exceptions, but I just don't think it's a reasonable exception, or a reason to divorce.

It sounds like he is passive, and in a way, so are you. One of you needs to step up and take control of the situation. I know you said you don't want to be his "mom" but you are also his wife. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate, with the financial situation and your health. 

I agree with Laurae, it sounds like you are unhappy with your life and instead of taking control of it yourself, you blame your husband. To an extent we are all responsible for our own happiness. It sounds like you might benefit from some IC. I'm not saying your husband is perfect but it sounds like he really loves you and takes good care of his family and has a lot of responsibility - and you still seem so unhappy with that. 

If you left your husband, would you be happier with someone else? It doesn't sound so to me.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

No I totally agree that I'm not entirely happy with myself and I have done IC for many years and I know I'm just not happy. But it wasn't always like this with him. I don't want to be with anyone else and I really don't want a divorce  I guess I'm wondering if its possible to stay together and happy when we are SO different? There is no divorce in my family. Parents got married almost 40yr ago at 18/19yr! But its just makes me crazy that he doesn't have the drive to do anything with his life. No matter how I try to help he just doesn't get what I'm saying or where I'm coming from. He was 'stuck' in the comfortable job which was fine but then they went out of biz. The last few jobs he's had/has have been thru contacts I have. He also has another opp from this month (fingers crossed). I have NO problem helping or whatever u want to call it but I feel like I do everything and all the leg work for his 'job' and that doesn't even bother me! Its the fact that he doesn't have it in him to get fired up and make a change for himself.

I have been doing makeup since I was 13 and still do. I own my own biz so I can work when he's home and make great $ but its not steady, FT work. But we talked yrs ago, I'm old school I guess- but I wanted to be home (or 1 of us) for the most part w kids. I don't see the point in working just to pay daycare. So yes I realize we aren't going to be rich like a lot of couples I know...I'd rather see my kids 1st step,etc.

I hope I'm making sense and not sounding like a total bi#**. I just don't think its fair for either of us to always be in bad moods  how do you KNOW if someone is the right one then? People get divorced for ridiculous reasons and I really don't want that at all, I guess I'm just lost-confused-frustrated
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two things that I see in what you are saying. 

1) Your generally happiness is YOUR responsibility, not his. I think that you need to get some individual counseling. Why are you so unhappy that you cannot see anything good.

2) It sounds like you pick on your husband for his not being what you consider ambitious enough. You give no idea of how much he does earn, so we have no idea if your expectations of more income are reasonable. He is working hard to support you and your child. How often do you tell him that you are proud of him for his working so hard? If you pick on him for not doing what you want him to do he will tune you out. That’s what it sounds like is happening.

You say that a lot of people would just quit under the circumstances that he is working. With the economy the way things are, no one in their right mind just quits a job. It could be years before he finds another. You are aware of the financial mess this country is in, aren’t you? 

What would be reasonable would be for him to put out resumes and job hunt while he is still employed. Then move to another company ONLY if they are clearly stable. He might feel that staying with the know entity is better than taking a chance right now in a bad economy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

what-to-do said:


> .....
> I hope I'm making sense and not sounding like a total bi#**. I just don't think its fair for either of us to always be in bad moods  how do you KNOW if someone is the right one then? People get divorced for ridiculous reasons and I really don't want that at all, I guess I'm just lost-confused-frustrated


I've heard a lot of men say that as long as their wife is in a good mood, they are happy. I wonder if your mood is driving your mood of your husband down as well.

How do you know if someone is the right person? There is no magical 'soul mate'. What there are, are couples who are willing to work together to make a good marriage.

Take a look at the links in my signature block about building a passionate marriage. These could help you get to where you want to be.

And as far as you being happier; a person is as happy as they decide to be. Just start acting happy... over time your actions will drive your mood and you will become happy.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Thanks Ele. Just to clarify, I'm not saying he SHOULD quit! I mean that some people would just say screw it... But he does it because he loves us  and I'm NOT a gold digger by ANY means..been on my own and supposrting myself since 18. He's barely making 30k. Maybe I'm the only problem. From reading all the replies so far...sounds like I'm miserable and he's working hard to support us. It really wasn't about money, but obviously its a stressor in all lives! I guess everything I'm trying to explain isn't something I can type unfortunately. I KNOW I need to change but its really difficult when he's always pushing my buttons and I'm constantly in pain..vicious circle I'm in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> how do you KNOW if someone is the right one then?


I am of the belief that there is not "the one" for anyone. Through hard work and giving to each other, you create your "soul mate." 

How much time do you spend with your husband one on one doing something fun and unrelated to housework/kids/finances.etc,?
Do you guys take trips a couple times a year just the two of you? Do you have date night once a week? Do you spend time together when the kids are down to bed? Are you sure that you are 'polar opposites' because you are just that different, or could it be because you have grown apart due to everyday stress interfering and a lack of quality time to share together and bond?

You can create a much more happy vibe in your household just by being happy yourself. It's not fair for you to be so unhappy all of the time. You can create your own happiness which can spread to other people as quickly as misery and depression.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

You are absolutely right Lydia. I try hard believe it or not to just 'be happy' despite feeling awful all the time but its always within an hour of being up he has this 'attitude' because he can't set an alarm to get up on time, or short with me b/c our son wants to do what he's doing in the am and he stays up til god knows when and has to rush when he gets up. Its always something and gets off to a bad start! But as far as 'us' NO we don't do anything! We don't have $ to go anywhere and he works 6 days so he doesn't want to. That's another thing.. I used to be fun  but he doesn't like to do things or go places. But I agree we need grown up time. I rarely even wear makeup now and I DO makeup!! Maybe that's the goal this week, a date.. But it'll have to be at the house 
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