# Wife doesnt love me anymore



## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

We just celebrated our 2 yr anniv on the 2nd, we were together for 4 years prior. We have never spent alot of time together, we used to work 2 jobs including overnights. Once we were married she started her own business. Now she works 7 days a week. She works w/ horses, so when she comes home shes exhausted. Gradually, we grew apart though I love her more now than in the beginning. We did not communicate well and unfortunately I took her for granted. We do not have a lot of money, so we culd not afford romantic getaways and when we would try we were too concerned about who would take care of our dogs.

She tells me she does not feel the same about me, that probably her feelings cannot ever change back. I understand what I could have done better; and we both know that the commuication on her part and mine was not ideal. Why can't she chalk this up as hey now that we know the issues, let's try again w/o making these mistakes? It is blowing my mind that she has completely cut me out emotionally.

We thought we'd try living together and focus on the friendship- unfortunately I am having a lot of anxiety and want to talk everything out. She has agreed to go to another therapy session, but who knows if she'll go through w/ it.

When I took my vows I meant everyword. I could have done a better job cherishing her and making her feel loved, but this is a one time thing for me and I feel that it can get a whole lot better. 

Am I wasting my time by being hopeful? How ca I show her how much she means to me if the very sound of my voice causes her to cringe? How will she miss me if I was never really there (work)? She says she has considered everything, and seems so confident in her choice. Is it possible that she can come to love me again in that way? I read in another post that love is a choice- I agree w/ that opinion. Any advice would be great.

Thanks
Evan


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

When someone says that their feelings can never change back, I right away assume there is someone else.

Is there someone she works with a lot, perhaps?


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## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

I agree with dobo.


Is there someone else? And when she works so many hours with the horses, is she alone? Is there someone who rides with her or has a horse there, too? Have you ever visited her unannounced while she was there? Could there be someone at work and she really doesn't work with the horses that much?

BUT...having said that, you should also work from the angle that there is no one and she simply has lost connection with you. This is entirely possible being that you see each other so little. My wife would be like yours with only a little contact with me.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

As a matter of fact there is a new trainer that works just next to her. He shares her love for horses and is also very talented at what he does. She has admitted to flirting and even went as far as to say that he has made her feel things that she once remembered. She never came out freely w/ any of this, I had found she was tracking his return flight from LA. I then found texts in her phone, but the juicy details were gone. "You should come back", etc etc.

Last night I asked her if I could see her phone and she flipped out- "that's none of your business!". I know what is going on, but part of me needs to hear it from her. Perhaps there is nothing physical, but she is definately relying on him emotionally- she has yet to shed a single tear in front of me.

As for going to the barn- I cannot stand the humiliation- she does not want me there and it will anger her more. I find it ironic that you were able to deduce this w/o me mentioning it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Kick her ass out then. If she wants out so badly, she needs to leave. You don't leave. She does it.

You shouldn't have asked to see her phone. You should have just grabbed it. Regardless, I'm sure the # of texts and calls to his number on your bill will tell an interesting tale. You may want to keylog her computer, too.

BTW, you should visit work just so HE can see that he is harming a real human being. Hearing all about you through her obviously jaunticed eyes, does you no justice. Seeing you may jog something in him. In fact, having a word with him may remind him that he is not behaving honorably or like a gentleman.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I have tried a text to the both of them suggesting we have a sit down. I get replies from both that I am crazy and that he does not want her. She says that I am in denial. A while ago she says, " just what would knowing there was something w/ him do for you- you couldn't change the way I feel..." That to me says she is guilty and rubbing my nose in it.

I assumed that if it was b/c I had messed up big time- there would still be a possibility of reconsiliation. She does not seem at all torn, though she has started drinking again ( we are both in recovery)- so again I assume at least an Emotional Affair.

She is in the process of moving out. I cant believe that things got to this point, though now everything seems to be fairly clear.

I am gonna stay out of her way and try to focus on myself. Hopefully that will help in the long run. Sadly I want things to be civil and I can forgive the potential affair given the circumstances of our relationship.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I am really trying to be OK w/ everything and not drive her nuts. Everything I have done for the past 2 weeks has been the wrong move. I lent her money when she needed it, I have invaded her space by checking her phone, I bought flowers, I tell her I love her...and I have tried to pressure her into giving it another try. Not in a bad way, just been really emotional and let her know how much she means to me and that I finally know where it all went wrong. We stopped communicating and connecting. My love for her has always been there, but I was unable to show it b/c of stonewalling.

Today, I am trying it the right way, giving her her space, loving her from a distance. She has agreed to another session- though once more just b/c I ask that she attend. If there is another man- the grass will not be greener- though it would not be hard for him to treat her better than I did- I was very selfish- but very kind- I just put myself first by sticking to my routine- just like she has put her job first.

I know that I cannot want it for the both of us. But I do know that I love her more than anything, and I can show it. I am going to work on myself and hopefully something will happen- whether that be I get over it and be a better man, or she comes to give another chance.

I am so grateful for this site. My heart goes out to you all


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

So I have made it a point to stay out of her way. Still unclear about the OM- she still guards her phone, but you'd think she wouldn't be coming home. I think she may be biding her time until she finally moves out- then she can have what ever she wants.

She was so *****y last night- it helped me to not be so hurt- like why am I pining over this. She literally did not say a single word to me.

She woke me at 4am, and asked if we could talk. She's afraid that she's drinking too much. She was sober 5 years and started drinking 2 months ago. Last night it was a bottle of wine- I told her I loved her and I was afraid for her, rubbed her back and just laid there.

In the morning I was feeling weak and ansked her if she could try again- she said no. I hate that I keep setting myself up for that. Sucks knowing the issues too late and not being able to fix them.

I know there is love there, I guess it will take time and space to let it surface- kinda ironic


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## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

Maynard, quit kicking yourself like this is all your fault. Marriage takes two. And if she is not willing to give it another shot, then she has checked out. It may be that she thinks this new guy has all of the answers and will suddenly give her a happy marriage. It is hard to say.

I would go to the next session and then see how it goes. Unfortunately, if she has no real interest to fix the marriage, then as you know, this will probably be a waste of time.

Being in limbo hurts. Not knowing what the future will be creates uncertainty and anxiety. 

Might I suggest some individual counseling for you as well? Is that something that could help? At leas then you could hash this over with a real person who will either give you some direction or will help you see what is best for you.

Personally, if I was in your shoes, then I would seek out counseling for myself, and move out (or kick her out) until she decides that working on the marriage is best. And be certain to let her know that if she has another man, then she should not mind if you date either. At least this will give you some sort of leverage and control which you do not feel that you have now. Right now she knows that you are waiting for her. When she sees that you have decided to begin moving on, then this will force her to make some decisions.

And even if she decides to choose this OM, it may be that knowing that she is losing you (or so it seems) may cause her to decide if that really is the best thing. Many times this causes people to rethink the idea that the "grass is greener."


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I appreciate your post- I know I have been beating myself up- it's b/c of how simple it was to correct. It's funny how far it was from my mind and heart, as we were both filled w/ resentments and anger.

She is in the process of moving out- at least looking for a place-I have made it a point to not be around at all. It def is making it a bit easier for me- b/c if I'm w/ her I am too tempted to open my mouth.

Ind Counseling is an option- it is my appt on Monday- though she has mentioned she would go, as well. I'm not gonna press the isse and just see what happens. I am def tempted to find out the extent of the relationship w/ the OM- but I have a tendency of getting busted- plus be careful what you wish for.

I had an EA briefly and I know the feelings it provoked. Funny thing was I quickly was overwhelmed w/ guilt and discovered that I wanted to have those feelings w/ my W.

She found out about the EA from a text message when she went through my phone- several months ago. She only brought that to my attention last week. Seems like tere is some spite and opportunity for turning the tables.

No talk about D though- just not interested in fixing anything right now.

LIMBO


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## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

maynard2121 said:


> *I had an EA briefly* and I know the feelings it provoked. Funny thing was I quickly was overwhelmed w/ guilt and discovered that I wanted to have those feelings w/ my W.
> 
> *She found out about the EA* from a text message when she went through my phone- several months ago. She only brought that to my attention last week. Seems like there is some spite and opportunity for turning the tables.


So this may be part or all of the reason she has found someone else?

Have the two of you ever resolved the fallout from this EA? Do you know what effect it had on her?

Has her feelings changed for you after that or was it before that? Is it entirely possible that she simply no longer loves you because of that EA? (Women take EAs harder than men, I think.)

Have you discussed this with her....or maybe you should bring this up at counseling.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

It very well may- the truth is I felt the same way she did- we were not connecting- we were alone in the marriage- but I was filled w/ a love for her. Once I experienced the effects of infatuation- it scared the crap out of me. It will be easier to continue her EA b/c they share so much in common- and both work 7 days a week w/ horses.

There may be some retaliation here- I know that it probably made it that much easier for her to throw in the towel. Again the irony is my EA had the opposite effect- I wanted my marriage more- and I was able to know that the immensity of the feelings was such that it could not be real- nor sustained.

Once more I can very well understand that her's may be different b/c of what they have in common.

Basicly this girl flirted w/ me and I flirted back -then I found out that's what she does. 

If she comes I will discuss it at the session- I think it could do some good- She has been emotionally unavailable for a while- so she has processed all of this w./o me- judge, jury, executioner.

Regardless- I know that what is happening is happening- I am willing, she is not- what can be done other than saving whatever we have left? I'm for that. I can put my expectations aside- I do need to work on myself.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

From a guy that just went through this within the last 30 days there IS someone else. Its textbook what you are referring to.

She'll also say that she is not now sure that the relationship was ever right from the beginning, etc.... etc...When she flipped out you knew and didn't want to admit it. Textbook case again. My wife never password protected her phone in all the years she had one until 60 days ago when her friendship turned into an affair.

So DO NOT kick yourself the person who is control of choosing to fix or not fix the relationship is the person your wife sees in the mirror and nobody else. When another person becomes involved and diverts energy and affection from your marital bond it creates a tenuous and weak link between you and your wife replacing the strong LINKS you had. In short you have whats called a triangulation where she can only protect herself by pushing you away and creating distance between you. If she doesn't do this that forces her to address the real issue and right now she doesn't want to do that. You are in a play that is scripted and predictable. You are coming out of the cat and mouse game of her sending you confusing and deliberately wrong information to keep you from arriving at the correct conclusion as to whats going on. This is the cat and mouse phase. The reason she is pissy with you is because she knows what she is doing is wrong and wrong to you and probably has a great deal of moral guilt about it. Therefore is she can fight with you she can continue to justify why your relationship is wrong. The fact is right now she only sees what is magical and good with the OM and only sees what is wrong with you. It is impossible for her at this point to entertain emotionally that she loves you or could ever love you right now.

After you have an admission or concrete proof the two of you will go into a blame stage. She will continue to deny (and will be sincere in her belief) that she did anything wrong. She will say things like "we have grown apart" and "we are different people now" as a means of justifying her affair. She still sees nothing wrong with her affair. The two of you will throw yourselves on the court of family and friends to assign blame. The word of her affair will get out and her friends who have a moral code will still support her and listen to her but will start distancing themselves because they know its wrong for her, wrong to you and against their own codes of morality.

Here you need to decide whether you want to wait it out because statistics say it will last a very short time or if you want out. My attorney positioned that now is the time she will feel most guilty. She will agree to almost anything to get to her man right now and get out of the marriage. The script says she initiates the conversations and splitting up discussions but it is you who will make up your mind and decide to push forward. You will become the initiator and she will happliy let you do this.

One of the deepest and painful cuts of all to you coming up will be when you decide to split she will do it with an almost bounce in her step and a gleeful attitude. She will be happy to get away and away from you and happy to going to her man. This will hurt you terribly. It should but it will also serve a function for you to help you decide your decision to cut ties is the proper one should you go this route--like I did. 

Now some of the magic is off the relationship because its no longer secret, you have found out, gotten proof by this time and busted her. Once she is out of the house and pursuing the relationship the OM will now be on the hook to living up to the fantasy and hype she has in her mind. Most can't because now the bad habits etc... come out and there is no thrill of conducting this thing if it is no longer taboo and secret. It will be obvious where there are no bonds with the OM and where there were deep ones with you. A little doubt starts settling in and fighting and distance comes a part of the show--this is what the statistics say anyway.

Next is the "damage recognition" stage where her love affair is no longer a love affair, interesting or novel. You will have moved on to your next life and have already started healing and realizing the benefits of your new life. You might be hanging out with a cool lady who appreciates you etc... and have some adjustment. This will be in the 60-90 days maybe a little longer. Its likely she will want to come back to what she truly had. She is having a romantic affair and you cannot ever compete with a superhero dude. EVER. 

You can pm if you want and I will give you my contact info but trust me on this one. Lastly, go out on Amazon and buy the book Betrayal of Intimacy and read about yourself under the romantic affair section. This is a destructive relationship and usually it will be too late to save this from your perspective potentially. The damage is done.

Hate to be a doomsayer but on Aug 29th this year I found out for the first time that my wife was unsure of our marriage and we will be divorced next week.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I just read your thread this morning- I couldn't believe how quickly things spiraled. I am looking to our second session while thinking of how yours went- and the excitement you shared when she agreed to go. 
I have heard similar stories about how the EA/PA fizzles out. I am trying to heal. For now I am willing to forgive- b/c again I know the M was not as rewarding emotionally as it could have been.

I'm not sure how to go about getting the proof I was looking for- I know that there's something going on- but I think if I keep focusing on that I am taking away from myself. I know in your case that was the point where you were able to move on and go for the "clean break."

Thanks again


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

yeah no problem.. Toughest thing i have ever gone through in life. Adding to that you are the only party that is using any logic or rational thinking here so not only are you hurt and betrayed you now have to hold it all together and make rational decisions for both of you. Its very hard in my case I had to break up and settle 20 years of being together into something resembled an equitable arrangement. 

You will know WHAT the right decision is WHEN its time. I feel for you brother because your mind is going to go on overdrive until you get to that decision. The opposite of love is indifference and that's what she is showing you when she is not initiating fights with you. She is emotionally unavailable to you because she is now channeling her emotional energy and commitment toward a third party and no marriage can survive indefinitely in that environment. That starves it of oxygen.


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I definately agree- but neither could our M have survived under the circumstances in which it existed. I have done a lot of reading- How to Save Your Marriage w/o Talking About It...very interesting stuff. Needless to say - if there is a next time; things will be different- w/ whomever.

I also see clearly that it's not all me- it's just that I have the clarity and perseverance to try to work it out...I understand that she is basicly high right now- plus everything that is right w/ him is wrong w/ me- its a lose lose for the time being.

Not sure when she moves out- still very much love her, but not focusing on the physical or emotional aspect anymore. Just trying to stay out of her way, and get along.

Thanks again for your post


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Evan, I really do feel for you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would love it if my husband would love me the way you love her. Elscotto wrote "the opposite of love is indifference" and that's they way my husband is with me. So sad, but different story.

I believe that you really really really need to stop blaming yourself. But you also need to know that the way she needs to be loved is completely different than the way you need to be loved. Partners tend to love their partner the way they themselves need to be loved. It's ironic, but it creates this vicious circle where we're feeling "ohh they don't love us, they don't show us" but they are, in their own way. There is a book titled "Getting the Love you Want" by Hendrix Harville, incredible book that will open your eyes in a huge way. My husband and I attended one of the workshops and it makes you look at your childhood and relates them to your relationship issues. Incredible read, and a must have for both personal and relationship issues.

One thing I picked up on, is that she woke you up at 4am the other morning to talk about her drinking? I really take that as a sign that she still does love you, she is not completely indifferent yet. I'm not sure how to tell you to direct this sort of energy from you. But I can tell that it has to be totally confusing to you, the one second she needs you, the next she's dissing you and treating you like ***t. What would happen if you told her that you wanted to talk about what's been making her drink again? Make her talk about the way she felt when you had the EA? All you do is listen with your heart, and empathize with her feelings? Would she go for that?


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

ALYTAMAVE- I really apprecite your post and you input. My heart goes out to you as well. Everyone keeps describing this as a rollercoaster and that's exactly how it feels. The feelings are different second by second- rapid changes from one extreme to the other. A moment of euphoric recall or some hidden vibe or tone of voice from the SO- hinting at love- then the cold shoulder, avoidance, bitter, callous- indifference...then denial and hope and sadness and remorse- on and on and on.

I have to understand that although I don not have the power to control her feelings, I can try to better control my own- I do love her very much and I guess it's a waiting game- one w/o immediate answers, one w/o hints, or even a warm touch or heart...I find myself relying on people in this forum, my family, journal, and friends. Yes, it is ODD and uncomfortable to have so much going on and not be able to rely on my best friend. It's like when things were rough between us- I so badly wanted to speak w/ my parents about it...I just couldn't bring myself to do it- mostly b/c of shame- NOT b/c I didn't care enough to do it.

Now that I'm on the same page with them (parents) I feel so much relief that there are no secrets- that I truly need help and they are there. We have had a strained relaationship b/c I am a recovering addict/alcoholic- the last time I had a secret, I was slowly killing myslef.

I too believe she is not yet indifferent- but she has painted herself into a corner now w/ the EA and rallied her friends to support her in an enormous change- she too will feel shame to change her mind-

They say that if you are unhappy- it doesn't matter who you're w/, you will be unhappy. You need to strive to be happy as a person and you can then be happy anywhere and w/ anyone-but none of it is up to me. I do hope that she is happy or finds happiness- in the meantime- I need to be happy and not gravitate to the misery...the temptation of doing like I just did, and asking if she wants to hang out tonight or if she has plans...to sit and wait for an answer- that prob won't come. I know that's the wrong thing to do- I know I said I would give the space she's asking for...

In my moments of weakness I reach out to the one person I am not supposed too- everything is opposite in these situations- it's like a game- so obnoxious- give her space, she'll miss you- be distant- she'll want to be closer. I give uo- the trick is to never get to this point- not saying that's possible- from what I've read this is all normal stuff for a relationship- a good relationship will pull through the hard times; and become stronger.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Evan, you really have a good head on your shoulders, and your thinking all the right things. You must follow through with this. If it doesn't work out, you'll know that you did what you needed to do, and it will never be a failure because you tried your best. 
You are very right about no one making you happy, you have to be happy with yourself. And maybe or maybe not this is the case with her? If she's drinking again my assumption is that she can't really love herself that much to come out of recovery for no reason?


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

I was just reading another link about the signs of an EA. UGH- they are all there!! Distance, lack of interest, hiding, secrecy, texting, anger, resentment, SILENCE- avoidance...

What an awful phenomenon!! And it's such a slippery slope, playing on denial, emotions, attraction, chemistry- and it's an illusion- and it's "normal" / maybe even understandable- especially considering the void that was created in our relationship for one to insert his...foot.

It's a whirlwind for sure- the only way out, as I mentioned in my own experience is realizin what is truly important to you- the bond and commitment made-

I was lucky- I'm sure mine could have spun out of control very easily- I didn't like the way it was making me feel- especially towards my W. Still I sat w/ a silent disregard and let it fester and rot at communication- the stone-walling...But again it did strengthen my resolve even if I didn't mend things right away or at all- I knew where my heart was.\

When you keep something secret you give it power- you start to protect something that should have no place in your life- you start to cut out anything that threatens it, it becomes your lens through which you examine eveything else- magnifying the flaws and entrenching resentments.

I need walls and fast- I need to batton down the hatches and really shield myself from what's to come-

I read a thread about the pink-cloud phase then the realization that it is not perfect, then the withdrawal from another dead end. I almost hope it doesn't happen, so that she doesn't have to suffer. I almost hope it works out so that she made the right decision, and the sacrifices were worth it.

I am torn and I am along for the ride-


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## maynard2121 (Sep 25, 2009)

Countdown to the next MC session- Monday 7pm- will she or will she not show. If she shows, what can be done? I am a bit angry b/c the first session was pretty much a waste of time. The therepist didn't really do any digging or challenging. 

I wonder if I should mention the EA...she denied anything the first session. Surely it would be of some significance to address. I have been crying uncontrolably the last few hours. I was reading How to improve your marriage w/o talking about it- and they were talking about how 70% of divorces are initiated by women b/c they feel their S willnot be there for them when they need them. It's broken down into a few scenarios, one being the death of someone close...case and point. 

That was the straw that broke the camels back- and in steps Mr. Wonderful. The book really is very good I recommend it to anyone in a relationship.

I'm a mess gonna try and rest


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