# My husband wants to separate...kinda long.



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

A little bit of back story. My husband and I have been together for almost eight years, married for four on July 22nd, and we have a year and a half old son. I had an affair three years ago. I thought that my husband and I were over completely and I left. After I ended the affair and came out of the fog I realized truly what I had done. I hurt the one person I loved more than anything in a way that may never be solved. I went through IC to work on my issues and to resolve how I could have done this. My husband and I began talking again and began acting as a separated couple. He was very distant and I could understand why. I then had gotten pregnant, while unplanned it had been discussed before the affair. 
My husband wasn’t around during the pregnancy. He was there for the birth of our son but minimally during the first months of our son’s life. Something changed though around the six month time period. He asked us to move in with him and was very loving. Things were like how they were when we first got married. I gave complete transparency with everything. 
We began to go downhill again. We were never fighters…in fact I can count the number of times we have fought on one hand. 
Two weeks ago, my husband informed me that while he still loved me, he wanted to separate to figure out what it was that he wanted and he doesn't know how long it will take. He also said that he isn’t asking for a divorce. I responded calmly and tried to be rational. He told me that night that he wants our son and me to leave. Also, starting that night he became very distant and cold with me. Never mean, but when we are in the same room you can feel the tension. He doesn’t speak to me directly unless it is involving our son. 
As I type this, I am at my sister’s house. I am trying to give him the space that he needs. He dropped our son off today and I noticed that he is still wearing his wedding ring…but on the wrong hand. 
I don’t want this separation. I am really starting to feel like the further I get away from him, the easier it is for him to walk away. I may seem desperate here but I keep an even keel when I interact with him. It was like coming here has been a blow to my stomach. I know that we have had our problems but I am now more sure than ever that I want this relationship and our family back together. With space i can see that i have not appreciated the things that he has done for our family and the things that i have held against him are truly petty.

If anyone can give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

let it go for now, focus on you & your baby, stop looking for little signs, they will drive you mad, he will still be thinking of you & decisions will have to be made, as desperate as you are(trust me on this please) do not beg, grovel, plead, you can't change his mind, only he can, don't give up hope but focus on you now, you & baby, be polite,dont stalk him, read & post on here as often as you need too, definetly read our historys & learn, i'm still trying to learn & i'm 3 mos in now


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

1.


meowmers said:


> I had an affair three years ago.


2.


meowmers said:


> We began to go downhill again.


3.


meowmers said:


> I know that we have had our problems but I am now more sure than ever that I want this relationship and our family back together. With space i can see that i have not appreciated the things that he has done for our family and the things that i have held against him are truly petty.


You forget and forgive a lot of things when you're in mourning, and you have forgotten why you had an affair, that things began going downhill again, and all the concerns you had that displeased you.

He didn't deserve you having an affair and you wrong to do it, but there were reasons that you did it. You were unhappy and looked elsewhere for your needs to be met. Why were you unhappy? You have forgotten and forgiven the reasons.

Things were going downhill again, but you forgot about that because he asked you to leave. Now you mourn the marriage because you fear it is ending. That's normal for people's feelings to reverse at a time like this. It doesn't dismiss the problems that existed though. What were the problems?

Not only have you forgotten and forgiven, but you call yourself petty as if concerns and displeasure were not real to you at the time. Examine your feelings now and then. Were they real and legitimate, or have you dismissed them because you're feeling sorrow and discarded?

The two of you need marriage counseling so you can iron these things out and get your feelings in order. Perhaps he will be open to that because it's likely he is also conflicted on a lot of things. Like he said, he still loves you but doesn't want to be with you while he figures things out. That is conflict. You both need help.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Thank you both for your replies. You both have given me strength.

I am finding strength anywhere possible right now. I am surprised to say that, even though it is our anniversary, today has been a good day. I haven't contacted him, i am more focused on myself, my son, and my extended family. 

I have been working out what to do with moving out and have realized that I won't be financially stable enough to move out on my own until September. While I can't stand being in this position with the feeling of being powerless, there is nothing I can do. It is what it is.

Once again, thank you. Small gestures truly mean the world.


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## TrueNorth (Jul 9, 2012)

I am truly sorry for your pain. Please take infinite pleasure in your son and his little miracles every day. There is much joy to be had there. As River1977 said, you had reasons why you were unhappy before when you had the affair and those reasons likely have not gone away but you have forgotten them with all that has happened in your life. Take steps to build a life with you and your son and know that in a few months, you will be on your own again. You are not powerless because you can take steps to create the best life for your son and you. Do not wait for someone to decide your future but take control of it yourself. You are strong and worthy and you deserve to be loved and treated well. You are vulnerable now but just remember deep down that you are strong and you will be ok. Be well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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