# Ways to let someone know you're not intersted.



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ? 

There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me]. 

Not only has he been bothering me but he keeps on asking me out on a date for the 7th time that I had to tell him I'm engaged (lie) to get rid of him.

It felt rude to say "No, I don't wanna go out with you because I'm not interested" so I tried to show him through my actions by being distant , by not having long conversation and by giving short answers.

Are there other ways to let someone know you're not interested?

If I were him, I wouldn't insist after the 1st time. If someone avoids you since the 1st time it means they're not interested..so why bother anymore?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't understand... Why would you give him your number if you're not interested?

If this happened to my daughter and I couldn't be there, I'd tell her to tell a staff member at the gym. Once he stops listening to "not interested", it becomes harrasement. And he needs to get bounced. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

PBear said:


> I don't understand... Why would you give him your number if you're not interested?


Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.

In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!" 
He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Some men are super thick skulled or players (pick up artists) or both.

Never feel bad about frankly letting a guy like this know that you are not interested. Even telling him might not be enough to stop his advances. These guys simply don't respect women as equal human beings. 

We are talking about something precious here. Your heart and sexuality is yours to give or not and an some men think that they can stupidly push you onto giving them.

Unfortunately, many women succumb to this tactic for the same reasons you gave your number, you don't want to hurt him.

He is actually hurting himself. These types of men are a plague for someone looking for a good relationship fit. Often, someone that you might find attractive might be put off approaching you when he sees this idiot constantly after you and even getting your number.

Best defense with a guy like this is to go total ice queen on him. He could have been a friendly acquaintance of yours but he is blowing it by being a pushy jerk.

Tell him to blow away and you will want to change numbers.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.
> 
> In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!"
> He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


No offence intended, but that's not a very good solution. Why be concerned about being rude when he's already stepped way over the line? 

And why did he do this? Because women like you have taught him that if he persists, he'll make progress. Worked just fine on you. Next thing you know, you'll agree to a drink because you want him to leave you alone...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PBear said:


> No offence intended, but that's not a very good solution. Why be concerned about being rude when he's already stepped way over the line?
> 
> And why did he do this? Because women like you have taught him that if he persists, he'll make progress. Worked just fine on you. Next thing you know, you'll agree to a drink because you want him to leave you alone...
> 
> ...


Yup. I've seen a lot of good gals fall prey to these jokers because they were nice ladies that didn't want to be rude.

To many got pushed into doing things they regretted for the rest of their lives.

I know more than a few women that let a pushy guy get somewhere with her while a better man slipped by.

These idiots like to put their hand in your face so that is the only thing you can see. She needs to slap it out of the way, not ignore it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Never feel bad about frankly letting a guy like this know that you are not interested. Even telling him might not be enough to stop his advances. These guys simply don't respect women as equal human beings.


That's what I was thinking. He was being disrespectful and SELFISH for insisting so much on this matter. 
He didn't seem to care how I was feeling ...he couldn't see through that...
I lost a lot of respect for this man to be honest. He could have managed it better...probably something good might have come out of this if only he had used his brain as a grown up!



> We are talking about something precious here. Your heart and sexuality is yours to give or not and an some men think that they can stupidly push you onto giving them.


Yeah! Some of them want it here and now..no matter what!



```
He is actually hurting himself. These types of men are a plague for someone looking for a good relationship fit. Often, someone that you might find attractive might be put off approaching you when he sees this idiot constantly after you and even getting your number.
```
Exactly.
He's been after me all this time and to be honest that's not good for other guys to see...especially now that there's a guy I'm interested in at the gym. I didn't want him to see me with this jerk and it's one of the main reasons why I've been trying to avoid the latter. 



> Tell him to blow away and you will want to change numbers.


I already told him tonight. I said I'm engaged and that I wouldn't want to be bothered anymore. I said I hope to have your understanding. 

Then he replied back asking when/how has he been insisting..? 

I didn't reply back as I had no nerve for that! 



Now I was thinking....what if the rumor has it I'm engaged?? 
I hope it doesn't spread around to the other guys at the gym..!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offence intended, but that's not a very good solution. Why be concerned about being rude when he's already stepped way over the line?
> 
> And why did he do this? Because women like you have taught him that if he persists, he'll make progress. Worked just fine on you. Next thing you know, you'll agree to a drink because you want him to leave you alone...
> 
> ...


You make a good point.
I admit I need to work on being more upfront. 

I don't know why I've changed and become more discreet over the time. I used to be more blunt and non-caring with the guys I wasn't interested in. 
But now I put myself in their situation and see how I'd feel if I were given a rude/blunt answer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Text him back and tell him your not engaged and not interested. Tell him sorry he couldn't take a hint. You don't want it getting around your engaged and if you get somewhere with the hot guy you are interested in, the jerk will know anyway.

You still need to change your number. A jerk like this might not worry about being scrupulous with it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> You make a good point.
> I admit I need to work on being more upfront.
> 
> I don't know why I've changed and become more discreet over the time. I used to be more blunt and non-caring with the guys I wasn't interested in.
> But now I put myself in their situation and see how I'd feel if I were given a rude/blunt answer.


Again, not meaning to be rude... But if my daughter got herself in this situation, I'd be disappointed that she didn't have the spunk to just tell him to get out of her face, in no uncertain terms. It's fine to be nice to nice people (or even "average" people). But you need to stand up for yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Text him back and tell him your not engaged and not interested. Tell him sorry he couldn't take a hint. You don't want it getting around your engaged and if you get somewhere with the hot guy you are interested in, the jerk will know anyway.


Noooo, I'd be ashamed to let him know that I lied. Plus, the word will spread around that I'm a liar! :scratchhead:

Plus, he'll be like "Are you playing games with me?" 



> You still need to change your number. A jerk like this might not worry about being scrupulous with it.


I am used to jerks contacting me ...even when I haven't given out my number (but they've found it from other people).
The solution has always been to never answer back and ignore them until they go away.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Just tell him you are not inerested. He probably thinks you are playing hard to get.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ladybird said:


> Just tell him you are not inerested. He probably thinks you are playing hard to get.


Playing hard for the 7th time???
I don't think there's any woman on the planet who plays hard THIS MUCH.

At maximum, she'd play hard only once...but 7?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> I am used to jerks contacting me ...even when I haven't given out my number (but they've found it from other people).
> The solution has always been to never answer back and ignore them until they go away.


Consider getting a Google Voice account with a new number. Assuming this guy eventually goes away, keep your original number. Give out your Google Voice number when you WANT to give someone new your number (or, say, when you have to give a business a number to reach you by).

The advantages are these:

1) You have sophisticated call-blocking capabilities on the GoogleVoice number.

Google Voice - Features ? Google Voice

2) Calls to the Google Voice number that you want to reach you can be automatically routed to your cell-phone or land line.

3) If you run into a situation where someone undesirable has your GoogleVoice number and it is causing problems, you can change your GoogleVoice number without all the sorts of hassles changing your "more private" cell phone number would cause.

A friend of mine uses Google Voice this way. It used to be free. Not sure it is now.


In any case, yeah, don't give out your number to someone who disrespects you by asking over and over. He's either intentionally trying to manipulate you, or he is naively/innocently unaware he is a pest, or pathologically out of touch with reality. The risk of the more troubling possibilities suggests to me you shouldn't worry too much about the naive one. You simply need to be very direct, firm, and willing to escalate by getting outside help if need be.

All I can suggest is something like this: "Tell you what, it seems like you have asked this sort of thing a few times already, and I have declined each time. I will let you know if I am ever interested. Please don't ask or contact me again."

(ETA: If he wants to know the reason, tell him: "My reasons are my own business, and frankly it is impolite for you to ask.")

If he ignores that, or even before you find out, I would talk to the manager at the gym, and tell him what has been happening. Perhaps if the guy approaches you again, the manager or some other staff member would be willing to walk up and have a discussion with the guy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.
> 
> In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!"
> He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


I guess you are not like Me Lovey Girl.. I never had a problem being RUDE to boundary Pushers.. this GUY has shown he is an inconsiderate Idiot who can't take a hint... there was no need to lie..

So long as a woman isn't worried about a guy being a stalker or dangerous, of course one this pushy, you might have to wonder.. but it's better to just be honest.. BLOW HIM OUT OF THE WATER at the get go... some men need this....

If I was a man, I would take the hint, and as hurtful as it may be, I'd rather a woman tell me to my face -over lying to me..

Wouldn't you feel the same -if the tables were reversed?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I used to be more blunt and non-caring with the guys I wasn't interested in.
> But now I put myself in their situation and see how I'd feel if I were given a rude/blunt answer.


Yeah, but you're not a guy, so the mental exercise isn't working. Best thing to say: "I'm not interested. Sorry, but you're not my type." Don't be any more gentle or harsh than that. If you're more gentle and say something like, "You're nice, but . . .", then they think, "She said I'm nice! She'll cave in no time!" If you put them down they can cause trouble by maybe saying nasty things about you or whatever, depending on their maturity and mental state. If you say something like, "You're not my type", it gives the guy an out. He gets to think that there's some kind of problem with your taste in guys where you don't see how wonderful he is, but there's little that can be done. If he persists, complain to the gym manager.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Playing hard for the 7th time???
> I don't think there's any woman on the planet who plays hard THIS MUCH.
> 
> At maximum, she'd play hard only once...but 7?


Giving him your number and still trying to be nice, never outright saying you are not interested is giving mixed signals. It's less rude to just say no, I am not interested IMO.
Since you brought up this fiance later (even though it's not real) he's not going to think it's a deal breaker since you didn't say it the first time and gave him your number anyway. Now he just will think he has to try harder, but that you will give in eventually.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have caller id, right?
Just ignore him!

In the gym, look at him directly and say you understand he's attracted to you but it's not mutual, he's not your type.

If he insists tell him you definitely don't want to go out because when you end up dumping him it will make both of your workouts awkward, and you value your gym time.

Tell him you have boundaries, explain what they are, and if he violates them just look at him and say, look Bud (or whatever his name is) I am being nice so far. But I've told you what my limits are and you're crossing all the lines. One more time and I'm going to the staff. 

If your gym has video monitors, point to one and say, they can and will monitor you if I report you. Make nice and back off and play nice. Go find another sandbox to dig in.

If you cannot handle this situation you need to go work out at Curves or something. Or a ladies only club. Even so, some nice butch lady may desire you, so you'll have to deal with it anyhow.

It sounds like you need some assertiveness training.

#1 rule is never get creeped out when someone's looking at your assets while you're working out in a gym. It's going to happen. They can look all they want, you can't do squat about it unless they're actively jacking off while looking. 

#2 defend your right to work out. If the chit chat is keeping you from your routine, keep any interaction to 5 seconds before cutting them off. A weight bench and a couple 20-30 pound weights with side lifts usually does wonders. If he keeps pestering, it's better to tell a guy to back off with a 30 pound weight in your hand, and to sound irritated, but to smile sweetly but pointedly without making any direct threats. 

This type is more of a nuisance. But you don't want to alienate them because sometimes they want to start and argument so they can lay into you because they knew from the start you would never go out with them. The whole interaction is to get you pissed so they can have a reason to bully you and turn themselves into a victim. Don't fall for it.

Don't give out your phone number. Why why why did you do this?
Did you really think he wouldn't call you?
Give out a fake number.
If he says next time he sees you, you gave the wrong number, look at him and say, I gave you the number I want you to call. What's your problem, I told you I didn't want to give you my number and you kept asking for it. You really think I was going to give it to you?

Stop being nice to people who don't deserve it.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ?
> 
> There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me].
> 
> ...


You are really exceptionally nice. I usually gave them the phone number of the fire brigade, local police section or whatever it comes to my mind. And if they still insist on another day while at the gym I'd send them on a date with my brother 
In the end they get the idea


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Playing hard for the 7th time???
> I don't think there's any woman on the planet who plays hard THIS MUCH.
> 
> At maximum, she'd play hard only once...but 7?


As strange as it sounds women play hard to get for as long as they may like. And sometimes is easier for a person's ego to think that the other part is playing hard to get instead of accepting they are being rejected. 

My opinion is that if we do not like a guy and we are not interested we have to let him know. Never know when you can get your own private stoker


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.
> 
> In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!"
> He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


Wow. If you caved like this to an annoying pest who badgered you into giving out your number, there's really no advice I can offer you.

The simple solution would have been to say, "I'm sorry, I can't give you my number. And your repeated invitations are making me uncomfortable. Please don't ask again."

Problem solved.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I honestly can relate. I gave my number to this guy who I thought wanted to be friends with me. He kept asking me out and I told him I am busy. He asked me out again. I didn't reply. He kept texting me something like how are you ? Wanna go out. I had eventually to block his #

Another guy(was my friend) who I thought was pushy. Kept flirting with me and asking me out. Very pushy. Every time I would foolishly smile and say I just want to be friends.didn't want to hurt his feelings. Fast forward two months ago I had too much alcohol with my friends and we kissed. He then dumped me , sexually assaulted me and broke contact with me.


Such guys are jerks. I've learned my lesson the hard way. I will be rude .nice girl no more.

Combined with my bitter experience I read these books. Extremely good



Nice girl syndrome
Boundaries and relationships
A woman on your own right


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

1- Don't smile at him.
2- If you made the mistake by giving him your # don't text back. 
3- don't make eye contact next time you see him.
4- don't smile at him again under any circumstances.
5- don't give your number to such men next time. 
6- after you tell him you are not interested and you don't want to give him your # ,do 3 & 4.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

From my perspective this is about two issues: you having boundaries and this creep being a possible stalker. I mean, c'mon, he didn't take your major hints and then he started calling you?

Like it or not, there are times when you simply cannot maintain polite decorum in telling some men you're not interested. 

Lying to this guy about being engaged wasn't the way to do it.

So, if he isn't a stalker, then he's just terribly dumb. I would have said, in a calm manner, "I am not interested in going out with you. If you continue in your attempts to pursue me, I will speak with the manager of the gym and the police. What you are doing borders on stalking. Please leave me alone."

My guess is he might shoot his mouth off to other guys in the gym that you are a b!tch or possible lesbian. Either way, here is something to keep in mind: What someone else thinks of you is really none of your business.

Consider that.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You should just be blunt and say, "hey, I think you're really nice, but I don't feel any chemistry with you; I don't think I should accept your invitation, but I like chatting with you as a friend". Why would you give him your number to "shut him up" knowing fully well that he's into you? Are you getting an ego boost out if his attention? If you're not trying to play mind games with him, then just be honest instead of passive-aggressive in your attitude. It's way more rude to string him along and assume he can't handle the truth of your lack of interest than to be kind and up front about it. Also, you're leaving yourself vulnerable to harassment if you choose not to be firm about your feelings on this; no excuse for harassment, but you've gotta protect yourself, too.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Everyone deserves a second chance, but not third.

On attempt 2.....You turn to him, look deeply in his eyes with a serious face on and say..... 

"Didn't i already answer your question. It's a NO"

You turn and walk away. 

If you give him ANY hints of "niceness" he will be back......

And to give him number? To get him off your back? 
:wtf:

Now you are in some deep trouble. And you will also have to be REALLY nasty now to get him off your back.

You shot yourself in the foot....



moxy said:


> You should just be blunt and say, "hey, I think you're really nice, but I don't feel any chemistry with you; I don't think I should accept your invitation, but I like chatting with you as a friend".


Don't pull the "friend" line OP. Unless you are looking for a friend.....and think such thing is even possible with a male that's chasing your tail (hint:no it isn't)

And even if it is possible. Male friendships will most likely prevent you from finding a good man in the future as well.....


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I used to be like you but I have learned sometimes you just have to be a ***** to guys like this. I would have said no the first and maybe second time. After that I would have just ignored him. This is why I wear headphones at the gym and don't make eye contact with anyone. Never give your number to a guy unless you are interested in him. I have had guys on the street approach me (usually with some really stupid pick up line like "nice booty"). I just say "no thank you" and keep walking. If they keep trying to talk to me I just ignore them and keep walking. I have been called some nasty names but I don't really care what guys like that think of me. I tried to turn them down nicely. Obviously they didn't get the point the first time.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> Don't pull the "friend" line OP. Unless you are looking for a friend.....and think such thing is even possible with a male that's chasing your tail (hint:no it isn't)
> 
> And even if it is possible. Male friendships will most likely prevent you from finding a good man in the future as well.....


No. I don't wanna be friends, especially with him and the type that he is. Being friends with him would be the last thing on my mind. Plus, I don't wanna have any sort of contact with him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jane1213 said:


> 1- Don't smile at him.
> 2- If you made the mistake by giving him your # don't text back.
> 3- don't make eye contact next time you see him.
> 4- don't smile at him again under any circumstances.
> ...


Yeah good advice! 

If he tried to approach me I'll just leave and say "Sorry I gotta work out!"

ETA: And if he see me chatting with other men, he'll get the message that I don't want to talk to him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> From my perspective this is about two issues: you having boundaries and this creep being a possible stalker. I mean, c'mon, he didn't take your major hints and then he started calling you?
> 
> Like it or not, there are times when you simply cannot maintain polite decorum in telling some men you're not interested.
> 
> ...


He could be both. He bombarded me with several messages a day (4-5 messages) and I'd reply only once or not at all. 
Whenever I went to the gym he would follow me everywhere trying to catch me so that he could start a conversation. I would try to act like I didn't see him or hide myself ..but then again I couldn't do this all the time as it was annoying. 

I remember one day, I saw him walking up to me and I started pretending like I was talking on the phone. I was riding the bicycle (at the gym) and he sat on the bicycle next to mine..waiting for me to finish the "conversation". 

It lasted for about 20 minutes ...then he went away saying "oh...I see you're having a long conversation". 
I pretended like I didn't hear it ...lol.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> Yeah, but you're not a guy, so the mental exercise isn't working. Best thing to say: "I'm not interested. Sorry, but you're not my type." Don't be any more gentle or harsh than that. If you're more gentle and say something like, "You're nice, but . . .", then they think, "She said I'm nice! She'll cave in no time!" If you put them down they can cause trouble by maybe saying nasty things about you or whatever, depending on their maturity and mental state. If you say something like, "You're not my type", it gives the guy an out. He gets to think that there's some kind of problem with your taste in guys where you don't see how wonderful he is, but there's little that can be done. If he persists, complain to the gym manager.


I don't think complaining to the gym manager would work. At least not over where I live. If I complained, the manager would tell me to simply stay away from him. [Even if I was harassed]


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Consider getting a Google Voice account with a new number. Assuming this guy eventually goes away, keep your original number. Give out your Google Voice number when you WANT to give someone new your number (or, say, when you have to give a business a number to reach you by).
> 
> The advantages are these:
> 
> ...


Lesson learned!
I'll go back to the b*tch I used to be when it came to the guys of this type. 
If he didn't care how I felt, why would I care how he felt?

I now realize I've been stressing myself too much over some 36 y.o. thick brain!


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Wow, this guy is kinda stalkerish. I'd tell him I think he is overbearing and that he needs to leave you alone before you report him for harassing you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Noooo, I'd be ashamed to let him know that I lied. Plus, the word will spread around that I'm a liar! :scratchhead:
> 
> Plus, he'll be like "Are you playing games with me?"
> 
> ...


You were a liar. You were playing games. He pushed you into playing games, but instead of walking up to a female staff member and openly pointing at him while you mentioned your concern, you decided to REWARD him with a phone number.

Two memes work against you: women want to be chased and persistence works on women.

YOU think he's being an ugly creep. HE thinks you haven't yet appreciated his boyish naughty charm because you won't let him in.

There is no 'win' for you and you lost quite a bit already.

Since you are already in pretty deep, how about this? GO TO THE GUY YOU ARE INTERESTED IN AND ASK HIM OUT!

You've already failed in this situation. Tell him that normally, you'd rather waste your time for the next six months waiting for him to notice you, but Poindexter is causing you problems and you'd rather take a chance on a guy you MIGHT like than getting worn down by someone you don't.

Or get the whole thing out of your system now and pick out the wedding ring with Poindexter.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ?
> 
> There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me].
> 
> ...


Seems to me you're really asking, "How can I be unclear and have people interpret things correctly anyway?" 

You can't. 

You are sending mixed messages. How should he know if you are or are not interested? He's probably thinking, "Well, she made an excuse to not go on a date with me, but she did give me her number..." 

Do you AND guys like him a favor by practicing a very simple rejection: "I'm honored and flattered by your interest, but I'm afraid I don't feel the same way. I wish you the best in finding a great match, though." I have used this many times, and it usually works well. If it doesn't (there have been a couple times where it didn't work for me) a simple follow-up of "I told you I was not interested, and you continue to pursue me. Is there a reason you're refusing to respect my boundaries?" has ALWAYS ended the problem for me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> He could be both. He bombarded me with several messages a day (4-5 messages) and I'd reply only once or not at all.
> Whenever I went to the gym he would follow me everywhere trying to catch me so that he could start a conversation. I would try to act like I didn't see him or hide myself ..but then again I couldn't do this all the time as it was annoying.
> 
> I remember one day, I saw him walking up to me and I started pretending like I was talking on the phone. I was riding the bicycle (at the gym) and he sat on the bicycle next to mine..waiting for me to finish the "conversation".
> ...


I advocated being Rude to Boundary Pushers.. but of course EVERY woman must be cautious here ... is a man a stalker.. is he SICK, twisted, demented and in those cases, I would advocate NOT being too Blunt in a mean way.....as the offense could cause him to do something Crazy - feeling you are a royal Bi*ch or worse..and put a target on your back, in those cases, better to just disappear, stay out of his path...as much as humanly possible... ...It's obvious you would not be the type to allow your mouth to do this much damage Lovely Girl... 

What all do you KNOW about this GUY ? ....if I was in your shoes ..I would have been gathering as much information from anyone I knew that worked there, or exercised there..... to identify his character, some of his history...to know what you are dealing with...

But from this...please learn.. never to give your phone # out to someone you want nothing to do with... You can block his calls, right? I would even consider getting a NEW phone # if this guy is the stalker type and NOT even going to the gym anymore..or at least a different time...whatever you can do to NOW put as much distance between the 2 of you.

However, if he is just an annoying man who acts like this with many women.. and is used to being told "not interested"..he just likes to make a nuisance of himself.. kinda his regular personality... well you'll still want to get away..

But being HONEST and FIRM would have been fine in dealing with his pursuing of you...KathyBatesel's example or something similar... 

But NEVER allow someone's behavior to do something you do not want to do .....as this will inevitably cause more difficulties and misunderstandings with that person... you have allowed him to get his hopes UP ...he now thinks you may like to play a game of "cat & mouse" ..well..it's really hard to tell what he is thinking... 

But you're learning... for next time.... then if he pushed against your FIRM but honest Boundaries...... he is asking for some backlash...maybe even some action to be taken.. 

In all of this -you have no need to feel bad... not everyone has common sense , respect and proper boundaries with strangers.. this is why we need to protect ourselves as best we can.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offence intended, but that's not a very good solution. Why be concerned about being rude when he's already stepped way over the line?
> 
> And why did he do this? Because women like you have taught him that if he persists, he'll make progress. Worked just fine on you. Next thing you know, you'll agree to a drink because you want him to leave you alone...
> 
> ...


Unfortunately,

Lots of women were cultured to be nice, polite and not rude , so guys like this tend to take advantage of that.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Quick hint. If you are NOT INTERESTED AT ALL, never, and I mean NEVER smile at a guy. Not once. Not even to be nice.

It will undo the last 20 minutes of b*tch you just were.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JCD said:


> Quick hint. If you are NOT INTERESTED AT ALL, never, and I mean NEVER smile at a guy. Not once. Not even to be nice.
> 
> It will undo the last 20 minutes of b*tch you just were.


I remember threads like this... Men are different, if you are NICE to them...flashing your pearly whites...many get ideas in their heads... women are not like this... someone being friendly to us....we don't think it's any big thing... ya know.. we are women -we like to YAK.. whoever is there, we'll YAK ..and YAK some more..... no big deal... 

But MEN... some do not give you the time of day.. or even speak to you -unless they think you are HOT.. so if you are anywhere near friendly to them, smiling ... OH BOY...you have planted a seed in their head !!! It's like an invitation.. for more.. itching a little closer... they Play on your friendliness...

It's unfortunate that it IS this way.. just some of the differences in the sexes....it's something I learned HERE a few yrs ago, a new insight for me..


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Most men don't speak or know Hintese. 

You have to shut them down when not interested. Not be mean, just be direct. The simpler and more brief the message, the better. 

It took me time to learn this myself because I used to waffle and leave doors open with my friendly personality. Now when faced with someone who makes me uncomfortable, I am curt, diplomatic, and honest. The guy usually gets it right away. If he doesn't, then you take sterner action.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.
> 
> In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!"
> He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


Can I have twenty dollars?

Can I have twenty dollars?

Can I have twenty dollars?

Can I have twenty dollars?

Can I have twenty dollars?

I expect some cash in the mail now....


Seriously...tell the guy to get lost. What does it matter to you? You don't need to feel guilty for saying no. Happens every day. Who gives a flying frak if he feels bad for you standing up to your boundaries.

Look, if you want to do it subtly...try this...

Next time he contacts you, sigh real loud and say..."your number three."

When he gets confused and asks you what you mean, tell this story...

"I was in Starbucks getting coffee this morning, a rude man cut right in front of me at the counter and started ordering his coffee. Then, he turns around and says sorry. I told him, that's quite alright. You're number two. When he gave me a strange look, I explained to him this...

Stuff like this used to really bother me, till I came to a surprising realization that changes my life. And ever since that epiphany, I hardly get mad at all now.

You see, I finally realized that each and very day of my life, it's a full guarantee that I'm going to meet at least six a$$holes a day. Your number two."

Then, just hang up the phone.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TurtleRun said:


> Wow, this guy is kinda stalkerish. I'd tell him I think he is overbearing and that he needs to leave you alone before you report him for harassing you.


The mentality of reporting someone because they harass you, doesn't exist over here. Believe me, they would laugh at my face!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> You were a liar. You were playing games. He pushed you into playing games, but instead of walking up to a female staff member and openly pointing at him.


As I previously said, no female staff member would find it normal for reporting such thing. They would think I was being ridiculous. Plus, they wouldn't see a problem with this. They'd be wondering if there was something wrong with me...not with him! 

It'd be the same with the male staff members. They'd be like "We can't stop him from chasing you. Do something about it yourself because we're not here to make you get rid of him!" 



> There is no 'win' for you and you lost quite a bit already.


The only 'win' for me right now is that he hasn't messaged me ever since I told him I'm taken and that I didn't want him to bother me anymore! 



> Since you are already in pretty deep, how about this? GO TO THE GUY YOU ARE INTERESTED IN AND ASK HIM OUT!


No! 
He'd think I was being crazy and needy! 
Plus, he'd use this to show off to the other guys about a girl asking him out!



> You've already failed in this situation. Tell him that normally, you'd rather waste your time for the next six months waiting for him to notice you.


This other guy has already noticed me and we were able to chat for the first time on Thursday...after so many months of looking at each other back and forth. 



> but Poindexter is causing you problems and you'd rather take a chance on a guy you MIGHT like than getting worn down by someone you don't.


Poindexter can go to hell.
If me and this other guy are meant to be together, it'll happen sooner or later. Poindexter can't do anything about it. 



> Or get the whole thing out of your system now and pick out the wedding ring with Poindexter.


Over my dead body!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What all do you KNOW about this GUY ? ....if I was in your shoes ..I would have been gathering as much information from anyone I knew that worked there, or exercised there..... to identify his character, some of his history...to know what you are dealing with...


To be honest, I don't even care to know more about him so why would I waste my time gathering information? 
I don't want to know about his history, character or whatever...because I simply don't want to deal with him anymore.
I just want him to leave me alone and I made it clear to him the last time we communicated through text message. 



> But from this...please learn.. never to give your phone # out to someone you want nothing to do with... You can block his calls, right? I would even consider getting a NEW phone # if this guy is the stalker type and NOT even going to the gym anymore..or at least a different time...whatever you can do to NOW put as much distance between the 2 of you.


1. I did block his number.
2. I can't get a new phone # because everyone knows me with this number.
3. I won't be changing the gym just for him. I will not let him affect me in any way, shape or form. There are hundreds of reasons why I chose this gym so I will not allow this stalker to ruin my mental peace. 
4. I already created a distance between us to (although it was through the phone.) 
I'll make sure to be totally distant next time he notices me at the gym. 
Believe me, I learned my lesson so much that I'm afraid I'll go back to being an overboard b*tch! 




> However, if he is just an annoying man who acts like this with many women.. and is used to being told "not interested"..he just likes to make a nuisance of himself.. kinda his regular personality... well you'll still want to get away..


I don't give a sh*t how he is with other women. If he hasn't understood it yet I'll make it clear for him next time he tries to meet/contact me.



> But being HONEST and FIRM would have been fine in dealing with his pursuing of you...KathyBatesel's example or something similar...


Yes!
It's all my fault and I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen! 
I was too stupid and too nice for him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> Quick hint. If you are NOT INTERESTED AT ALL, never, and I mean NEVER smile at a guy. Not once. Not even to be nice.
> 
> It will undo the last 20 minutes of b*tch you just were.


I smile out of politeness and I feel bad for not smiling back when someone smiles at me.
(whether it's a man or a woman)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Because he's asked me 5 times DESPITE ME avoiding him and letting him know that he doesn't need to have my number.
> 
> In other words, I didn't want to be rude and tell him "I don't want to give you my number!"
> He's 36 and as a grown man that he is I thought he'd understand my avoidance.


All you taught him was to keep trying because eventually you would give in. Once you gave him your number ... ugh ... you made yourself infinitley more available to him.

Guys are wired to ignore negativity. The smallest yes message will trump a ton of no messages.

This is why some guys get so upset with their wives who do not shutdown other guys completely. The wives do not want to be rude is the answer. The lack of the shutdown to some men is a green light. So the husband feels disrespected. That may seem like another thread but your situation is an example of a woman not wanting to be rude and it gets interpreted incorrectly. 

We can just say it is not her fault. Ok indeed she is being a reasonable human being. She did nothing wrong per se. However, while he is at fault for sure, she has not dealt harshly enough to get him to back off. So you are repeaping the rewards of being a nice person. Most of the time that is awesome. 

But you really messed up giving him your phone number. Telling him to not bother you and giving him the means to do so is unclear enough to be a yes for this idiot.

He basically ran a Kino escalation on you and wore down your boundaries. We can assume he did not wear you down to the extent that you wanted him to call you. But it is very grey here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> That's what I was thinking. He was being disrespectful and SELFISH for insisting so much on this matter.
> He didn't seem to care how I was feeling ...he couldn't see through that...
> I lost a lot of respect for this man to be honest. He could have managed it better...probably something good might have come out of this if only he had used his brain as a grown up!
> 
> ...


The I have someone else does not always work. And then when you start being disengenuous ( lying ) it can put you in a bad spot. So better to just be honest and blunt. You really do not owe the guy anything. No is just fine.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I smile out of politeness and I feel bad for not smiling back when someone smiles at me.
> (whether it's a man or a woman)


Yeah, you seem really nice.

Can I have your number?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> The mentality of reporting someone because they harass you, doesn't exist over here. Believe me, they would laugh at my face!


So you also have a culture difference here. Understood.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest, I don't even care to know more about him so why would I waste my time gathering information?
> I don't want to know about his history, character or whatever...because I simply don't want to deal with him anymore.
> I just want him to leave me alone and I made it clear to him the last time we communicated through text message.





> 3. I won't be changing the gym just for him. I will not let him affect me in any way, shape or form. There are hundreds of reasons why I chose this gym so I will not allow this stalker to ruin my mental peace.


You asked *why* I would care about his history... I am the type of person, if someone Creepy is breaking boundaries with me, not getting the hint...refuses to back off....has my #...and IS giving me stalker VIBES...

I'd want to gather ALL the info I could on him.. I have even looked up criminal records on people ... was surprised to find some.....so I know to do all I can to stay away from someone...Had a situation yrs ago...A guy from my past learned I was friends with a friend.. he had a crush on me and always wondered what happened to me (I moved), he kept asking about me.....he learned where I went to church.. I looked him up on those criminal records and let me tell you- he was BAD [email protected]## .... I stopped going to church until I heard he was GONE... I did not trust his character in any way.. 

I believe in being VERY CAUTIOUS with strangers...we have no idea if they might be NUTS....or what they are capable of.. I guess I separate people in 2 baskets ...

*1.* Those who are SAFE... but a little weird.. 

*2*. those who have the potential to be UNSAFE, deranged....or dangerous and could harm my well being or family...

That's just how my brain works...

I'd want to learn all I could to assess his character...if others knew if he caused grief for other women...and on the heels of that..(if it was BAD).... I WOULD stop going to the GYM.. for a time anyway. 

Anyone who has had a REAL STALKER situation would probably be even more cautious than this...I don't know.

So if he is JUST an annoying irritant though harmless, irritates women for a pastime.. no big deal....then I would proceed as you have laid out in your post, continue going to the gym...and just let your ICE side show.....ignoring he exists ...and eventually he will think ..."She is just a B, I give up on that one!"... and he'll set his sites elsewhere...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I smile out of politeness and I feel bad for not smiling back when someone smiles at me.
> (whether it's a man or a woman)


I get this. I think you need to be you. You just need to learn the skill of shutting down unwanted attention.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think you need to be you. You just need to learn the skill of shutting down unwanted attention.


It comes down to confidence. Once you hit the right level of confidence, you don't feel compelled to respond in kind when people flirt with you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

> This is why some guys get so upset with their wives who do not shutdown others guys completely. The wives do not want to be rude is the answer. The lack of the shutdown to some men is a green light. So the husband feels disrespected. That may seem like another thread but your situation is an example of a woman not wanting to be rude and it gets interprested incorrectly.


Ent, if I were married/engaged/in a relationship things would be TOTALLY different! 
*I wouldn't have chatted with him AT ALL!*
Why would I talk to some stranger at the gym if I already had a SO? (let alone give him my number) It would be totally disrespectful towards my relationship.
[Unless it was for business-purposes] ...but then again I wouldn't give him my personal number.



> We can just say it is not her fault. Ok indeed she is being a reasonable human being. She did nothing wrong per se. However, while he is at fault for sure, she has not dealt harshly enough to get him to back off. So you are repeaping the rewards of being a nice person. Most of the time that is awesome.


Totally agreed! I should have had stronger boundaries (which generally don't lack within me but sometimes I go out of my way when I underestimate certain situations.)



> But you really messed up giving him your phone number. Telling him to not bother you and giving him the means to do so is unclear enough to be a yes for this idiot.


Probably so!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So you also have a culture difference here. Understood.


Yes I live in Albania and things are a bit different over here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MSP said:


> It comes down to confidence. Once you hit the right level of confidence, you don't feel compelled to respond in kind when people flirt with you.


Yes. Insightful.

From her pictures she is incredibly ... lovely. Well, lets be clear. More than this, but I do not want to get too creepy here.

She sounds like she has an attractive personality. Her posts show someone with compassion and a postive view of life.

I think she is a capable professional in her own right as I recall. 

So she has a lot going for her. But there must be a reason she does not have this confidence. Not trying to determine that here of course.

But you may be on to something.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Yes I live in Albania and things are a bit different over here.


You know. I want to tell you something. 

A woman does not need a man to be complete.
For sure she does not need someone beneath her in quality.

But I am actually a romantic at heart. I truly hope that you do find love. That you find someone who deserves you. Who can rock your world and appreciate just how fortunate they are. That seems idealistic ... but I hope that happens for you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Ent, if I were married/engaged/in a relationship things would be TOTALLY different!
> *I wouldn't have chatted with him AT ALL!*
> Why would I talk to some stranger at the gym if I already had a SO? (let alone give him my number) It would be totally disrespectful towards my relationship.
> [Unless it was for business-purposes] ...but then again I wouldn't give him my personal number.


So when you aren't interested in a guy, the solution is to act as if you are married...to yourself!


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ?
> 
> There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me].
> 
> ...


You need to tell him you are not interested, and then you need to let a staff member at the gym know of his behavior. 

It is bad gym etiquette to try and pick up women while you are there.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ?
> 
> There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me].
> 
> ...


Or you could find a new gym?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> So when you aren't interested in a guy, the solution is to act as if you are married...to yourself!


I love this. I really do. It is very Zen. I also think it reflects how you have to have your own personal intergity whether you are connected with a partner or not.

Excellent.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> It comes down to confidence. Once you hit the right level of confidence, you don't feel compelled to respond in kind when people flirt with you.


There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.
Having the right level of confidence doesn't mean to turn it into arrogance.
Of course I'm not compelled to respond in kind but I find it rude to not greet someone back when they greet me. 
When you see someone everyday at the gym, for more than 2 years and when they're trying to greet you ..it's politeness to greet them back.
It's not someone that comes out of the blue and that you've never seen before. You do have a clue about they and so do they about you. In this case, greeting each other is normal. 
It doesn't have to do with lack of confidence!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.
> Having the right level of confidence doesn't mean to turn it into arrogance.
> Of course I'm not compelled to respond in kind but I find it rude to not greet someone back when they greet me.
> When you see someone everyday at the gym, for more than 2 years and when they're trying to greet you ..it's politeness to greet them back.
> ...


Ok, then. My point earlier was that there was no reason for you not to be confident. 

This is NOT some big issue really. You asked the right question in this thread. I think you got some good answers. 

Persoanlly I think it is best to err on the nice side most of the time. Just be savvy enough to know when to shut it down. And while you owe the guy nothing, I think that we do owe people a certain amount of human kindness. Not having this actually does more damage to ourselves.

You should be able to be to be yourself and not be stalked.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> You know. I want to tell you something.
> 
> A woman does not need a man to be complete.
> For sure she does not need someone beneath her in quality.


Hundred percent true! 



> But I am actually a romantic at heart. I truly hope that you do find love. That you find someone who deserves you. Who can rock your world and appreciate just how fortunate they are. That seems idealistic ... but I hope that happens for you.


Thank you Enty! 
Coming from one of my favorite posters on TAM, makes me appreciate this even more! <33


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> So when you aren't interested in a guy, the solution is to act as if you are married...to yourself!


A really good point! :smthumbup:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok, then. My point earlier was that there was no reason for you not to be confident.
> 
> This is NOT some big issue really. You asked the right question in this thread. I think you got some good answers.
> 
> ...


I agree! 

Now tell me, it's guys like him that take this amount of human kindness fro granted ...or every guy would do the same thing if they were in his shoes?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I agree!
> 
> Now tell me, it's guys like him that take this amount of human kindness fro granted ...or every guy would do the same thing if they were in his shoes?


I hope I would not. I cannot fault him for being attracted to you. I cannot fault him for not giving up right away either. But he took this too far. 

Many guys would admire you from afar for whatever reason.

But there is a finesse to this. You need to find the sweet spot. Continue to be lovely.  This is just a life skill. It is actually an act of kindness to not destroy the guy but still get your point across.

Now if I were him. And truly taken with you, I would not want to over play my hand but I would also want to go for it. 

He could have tried to go for building the friendship. Which is what many guys do. I think that is fine. However, I am coming to realize that that can be flawed as well. I see developing a friendship with a woman as a step. But that is disengenuous as well it seems. If a guy is looking for a GF / lover perhaps he needs to just follow that path from the start.

So I would have simply chatted with you and maybe asked you out for coffee and see where that goes. A no might end with me simply saying, ok please let me know if you change your mind. Maybe that is weak. Idunno.

Now if you were married and he knew this, he is a sleaze.  Crush him. Only mostly kidding here.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some people are thick skinned and really do need to be told things quite firmly. All you had to say to the guy was: 

"Thank you for the invitation, but I am not interested in going out with you." 

When he asked for your phone number: 

"No, I'd rather not do that." 

If he still persisted - go to the stuck record tactic, repeating your responses without further explanation.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I guess you are not like Me Lovey Girl.. I never had a problem being RUDE to boundary Pushers.. this GUY has shown he is an inconsiderate Idiot who can't take a hint... there was no need to lie..
> 
> So long as a woman isn't worried about a guy being a stalker or dangerous, of course one this pushy, you might have to wonder.. but it's better to just be honest.. BLOW HIM OUT OF THE WATER at the get go... some men need this....
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I'd rather someone come off as a little rude than to cause confusion or send mixed signals. 

I don't have the feel of the situation, because I wasn't there, but men may think a woman is just playing a little hard to get, and suddenly, she gives her number, so, we think we were right. 

This thing can sometimes be such a game that we don't always know what to do, but honesty is the best thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is one of my favorite topics! Lol.

Lovely, your mistake was giving him your # if you weren't interested. So now t hat that happened,

ONLY POINT BLANK FRANKNESS will work.

I like "I don't date/am not dating."

Or just "I am flattered but I am not interested in dating/going out."

I prefer honesty.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Playing hard for the 7th time???
> I don't think there's any woman on the planet who plays hard THIS MUCH.
> 
> At maximum, she'd play hard only once...but 7?


Eh. That's nothing. You should have seen one guy who I told I wasn't intereted in. He asked me out at least 50 times after that. I just stopped responding to him.

Since this guy is from the gym you could even say "I am flattered but *I would appreciate if you stopped asking me out because I have already told you I am not interested and at this point, it's making me uncomfortable."*

That should do the trick.

If he doesn't stop, block/delete him. He has boundary issues.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just tell him your gay!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I hope I would not. I cannot fault him for being attracted to you. I cannot fault him for not giving up right away either. But he took this too far.
> 
> Many guys would admire you from afar for whatever reason.
> 
> But there is a finesse to this. You need to find the sweet spot. *Continue to be lovely. *


Some take it for weakness though. 



> It is actually an act of kindness to not destroy the guy but still get your point across.


That's the thing! 
Not hurting the other as well as not hurting yourself!



> If a guy is looking for a GF / lover perhaps he needs to just follow that path from the start.


His intentions were for more than friendship. 
Eversince the first time that he came up to me, after chatting for like 10 minutes, he asked me out right away.
No guy asks you out that soon if he's looking for friendship only. 
And he wanted it right there ...that night..., after the gym..right away! 
:lol:
He didn't even consider the possibility of me being married or having a boyfriend...



> So I would have simply chatted with you and maybe asked you out for coffee and see where that goes. A no might end with me simply saying,* ok please let me know if you change your mind. * Maybe that is weak. Idunno.


This was the exact same thing I was expecting from him.
If he had been more understanding and not pushy, then I would have had more respect about him. Maybe we could have had a good friendship (if not more).
But the way he behaved around me made me devalue him.
As much as I want a guy to make the first step and insist, I also want him to realize when it's time to stop and let me do the rest. It would speak volumes about his personality and self-respect. 
And I'm the first to admit that I could have had more respect about myself too! 



> Now if you were married and he knew this, he is a sleaze.  Crush him. Only mostly kidding here.


haha..if I were married I would probably tease him with my husband. Most likely, I'd give him my husband's number. :rofl:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> This is one of my favorite topics! Lol.
> 
> Lovely, your mistake was giving him your # if you weren't interested. So now t hat that happened,
> 
> ...


Yes hun, you're totally right! That's what I'll be like from now on....especially if he tries to contact/chat me up again!

And not just with him..but with anyone of his type.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. That's nothing. You should have seen one guy who I told I wasn't intereted in. He asked *me out at least 50 times after tha*t. I just stopped responding to him.
> 
> Since this guy is from the gym you could even say "I am flattered but *I would appreciate if you stopped asking me out because I have already told you I am not interested and at this point, it's making me uncomfortable."*
> 
> ...


I wonder why some people don't realize how desperate they sound when they don't use the boundaries appropriately. 

Although, it comes down to different level of boundaries that two people might have. He thought he was acting normally when he actually wasn't!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Which is why you should have called him on it. 

Use this one as practice for the next time it happens when you're not interested. Tell them soon that you are not into it.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Just tell him flat out that you aren't interested and you don't find him sexually attractive.

I've been told that 3 times in the last year.

Trust me, it works.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forever Changed said:


> Just tell him flat out that you aren't interested and* you don't find him sexually attractive.*
> 
> I've been told that 3 times in the last year.
> 
> Trust me, it works.


Dizang. That's harsh. I mean, there's being honest and there is being.. a bit much.

I hope you told them, "I didn't really find you that attractive either but I was just trying to see how many dates I could get before this week was over. You were number 12. Thanks. Bye."

I kid. LOL. 

Seriously though, my standard is "I am flattered but I am not interested." 9 out of 10 times, it does the trick. If they keep on I say with a smile, "Oh I knoooow you heard me, right?!"


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Dizang. That's harsh. I mean, there's being honest and there is being.. a bit much.
> 
> I hope you told them, "I didn't really find you that attractive either but I was just trying to see how many dates I could get before this week was over. You were number 12. Thanks. Bye."
> 
> I kid. LOL.


:lol::rofl:



> Seriously though, my standard is "I am flattered but I am not interested." 9 out of 10 times, it does the trick. If they keep on I say with a smile, "Oh I knoooow you heard me, right?!"


:smthumbup:

FC, that was sarcasm...wasn't it? 

But you know..if he insists and he doesn't care..I don't have to care either. I'll him that!


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Being told flat out like that, with that sentence cuts to the bone. 

But, I walked away. Yes it hurt, very much. But in this world, this modern age you have to be downright harsh, and straight to the point.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> just tell him your gay!


Some guys think that is hot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just have to learn how to be sassy about it, Forever. 

Rejection hurts, no matter what but you have to learn not every one is going to like you.

But you have to learn to have fun with it.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Why some guys can't read your actions without having to be blunt with words ?
> 
> There's this guy at the gym who's been insisting we go out on a date, drink coffee...have dinner...or whatever... and he also asked for my number (5 times) that I finally had to give it to him to shut him up. [And he promised to not bother me].
> 
> ...


Tell him you want to wait to date men till after the surgery... oh... and stuff a banana in the front of your panties.

Now for something productive... ask a trusting GF to borrow her BF. Take him with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Some guys think that is hot.


Exactly. I would not do what Chillymorn suggested.

I pulled the "I am a lesbian" a lot in college trying to get guys away from me and it just turned into a "that's hot/invite your girlfriend/I'll change your mind, baby." Uh. No.

It's high on the list of what NOT to say when you are not interested in a guy. Like, top 5.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You just have to learn how to be sassy about it, Forever.
> 
> Rejection hurts, no matter what but you have to learn not every one is going to like you.
> 
> But you have to learn to have fun with it.


Oh I get that now! LOL. It's actually a good learning curve, the feelings of rejection pass very quickly these days.

I understand completely. But the way this guy is going, I would not dare pursue after 2 'failed attempts'. 

Restraining Order anyone? LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's because you understand the concept of boundaries, Forever.

Which is respectable.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

If someone has made it obvious to you that they are not interested in any way, shape or form, and have made it abundantly clear to you on numerous occasions, then why would you not walk away?

You know you never, ever have a chance with them, so just leave it! Who has the energy to pursue someone that you will never have?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Forever Changed said:


> Just tell him flat out that you aren't interested and you don't find him sexually attractive.
> 
> I've been told that 3 times in the last year.
> 
> Trust me, it works.


That may seem a bit harsh, but i still prefer that over a sugar coat that doesn't make any sense.

I was always puzzled at a break up or turn-down that went something like, "I think you're a great guy, blah , blah, " By the time they're done, they've described a great guy, but they don't want you." It makes no sense. Just tell me you don't like my scent or something.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

In general I think women need to be blunt and to the point. Sadly, I know women that were so unwilling to reject an aggressive suitor that they ended up sleeping with them. It escalates and at each step they wanted to say no but didn't want to offend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> In general I think women need to be blunt and to the point. Sadly, I know women that were so unwilling to reject an aggressive suitor that they ended up sleeping with them. It escalates and at each step they wanted to say no but didn't want to offend.


I would never sleep with someone who I wasn't into. And I don't do "pity sex." It's sad to me to think anyone would sleep with someone just cause they didn't want to "reject them." What is that?

Who would want to sleep with someone they're not attracted to?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Never give your real number to someone you aren't interested in.

If you are not interested in the Dude - then simply say No, thank you.
You're not my type.
When pigs Fly.
When hell freezes over.
Not if you were the last man on Earth.
Sorry, I'm gay.
I only date first cousins.
My psychiatrist doesn't think I'm ready yet, after Brad met his unfortunate demise.

lol

But, get a backbone and simply say NO, I'm not interested.
After the 7th time - then add - if you continue to pursue me then I shall let the Gym manager know that I am being harassed.

And who cares what HE thinks?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> In general I think women need to be blunt and to the point. Sadly, I know women that were so unwilling to reject an aggressive suitor that they ended up sleeping with them. It escalates and at each step they wanted to say no but didn't want to offend.


Yes!

I remember those types of guys when I was single.

Their strategy was to wear down a woman with unwanted attention hoping to catch her in a vulnerable position.

Creepy fellers.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I would never sleep with someone who I wasn't into. And I don't do "pity sex." It's sad to me to think anyone would sleep with someone just cause they didn't want to "reject them." What is that?
> 
> Who would want to sleep with someone they're not attracted to?


I agree with you. For me the sad part of it is I also think there is an element of fear not pity on the women's part once things go too far. They don't know how to back out and they feel guilty that they let things go that far so they just end up going all the way. The worst part is these guys are the type that don't care about them anyway. They also know exactly which ones to target, the shy naive types that are afraid to offend.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Yes!
> 
> I remember those types of guys when I was single.
> 
> ...


Creepy and disgusting. A team mate of mine back in the day would seek out "nice girls", get them alone and then expose himself to them. Since they were caught off guard many found themselves going forward with it and then really regretting it afterwards. 

I'm not trying to derail the thread here. But OP, please understand that aggressive men in public can be even worse behind closed doors. Shut them down upfront.


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