# Lack of...sex in marriage.



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

As I'm hitting my sexual peak I find myself going insane from lack of intimacy. I definitely am High-sex-drive. My question is...how do you stave off these urges? Masterbation and any self-completion isn't cutting it. I feel like a starving kid with people talking about food all around me but not offering me any.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The best way is to focus on everything else, hobbies, reading, exercise etc. I have a high drive as well and that can be just as difficult to handle as a low one. Mine is more emotionally charged than physical. Depending on my wife's interest determines my "drive". We've done 5 days in a row and 4 months without, my drive has learned to adapt to either situation.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In all seriousness, talking to us won't help unless you were looking for a group in the same straits with which to commiserate. Assuming you wish to continue to be monogamous, there's only one person who has the power to help. 

Presumably you've asked him what he's willing to do about it and received an unsatisfactory answer?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

So you're going insane from lack of intimacy, and you want to stave off urges? Why not address the lack of intimacy rather than how to survive the lack thereof? If it can't be addressed because the other person refuses to address it, and it's important to you, why are you with that person?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I can't...I'm about to leave him. Long story.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I'm also alone and struggling with my drive. 

My solutions -
* Trashy romance novels
* very vivid fantasies
* hobbies and exercise
* a good vibrator

Sure, it's kind of like eating fat free frozen yogurt when you really want chocolate ice cream. But from what I've read in your other threads, anything you do for yourself is better than what you've got now. 

I found that once i left my unhappy marriage, it was somehow easier for me to satisfy myself. I think it might be from leaving behind the frustration of feeling unfulfilled. I'm no longer wishing my partner would step up, so I'm happier with what i have. Do what you can for yourself, until you find someone who enjoys doing it with you! 

And seriously, go shopping for some nice toys. I recommend a rabbit!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Don't have to tell me, I know how long those stories are. I was in one. 7 years of those conditions, I cheated. I should have left 6 years earlier with my character intact.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I cheated too. And it's the worst thing I ever did.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

that.girl said:


> I'm also alone and struggling with my drive.
> 
> My solutions -
> * Trashy romance novels
> ...


My husband asked me to buy a bunch of sex toys years ago (looking back, now I'm thinking they were to take his place). I've got a variety. 

I like the yogurt to ice cream comparison. That's a great comparison. 

I think all my feelings are in an uproar right now and sexual frustration is just one of them screaming for attention.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm always confused by people who don't want to have sex with their spouse, but still demand sexual exclusivity. I don't think I'll ever understand it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

What's really bothering me, aside from lack of intimacy, is how this is gonna play out when I'm single. I'm scared of my HD getting me into trouble relationship-wise.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

DayDream said:


> I think all my feelings are in an uproar right now and sexual frustration is just one of them screaming for attention.


I hear you. Sexual frustration in marriage is usually blended with a lot of disappointment. You want it, and he doesn't want to give it to you. For me, I didn't feel the frustration as sharply when the disappointment was gone (although my disappointment was a little different, i was getting sex but never an O).

Have patience. You'll feel differently about a lot of things soon!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I don't think there's a real way to tell whether someone will still seem HD years into a relationship... so it's always a gamble. Maybe key in on guys who mention lack of sex as reasons they ended a past relationship.

My approach is to never let it get so far. Turning down sex once or twice here and there, okay... but no patterns. In any exclusive relationship today, I specifically mention that I think if we're physically capable, we ought to be doing. There is a synergy of sex. It helps to have a connection to want it, but having it also helps the connection. I think having more sex usually means wanting more sex. I keep a crazy close eye on that "heartbeat" now.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My fear is more that I get attached to someone when I have sex and that's going to get me in trouble because I want to have sex but I also want to find the right guy to have sex with. I'm hoping I have the strength to hold out for Mr. Right.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Don't know if this is going to happen to you, but after I got divorced, my HD issue became much more manageable. I suspect that the hopelessness that I experienced during the time I was married, actually made my HD stronger. After the divorce, I knew that starting an intimate relationship with the right woman was going to take time BUT there was something that helped me endure, and that was HOPE. As an old song went *"I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie"*


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening ThatGirl
I think of it more like decaf coffee. It seems like the same, but it doesn't really provide what you are craving. 




that.girl said:


> I'm also alone and struggling with my drive.
> 
> My solutions -
> * Trashy romance novels
> ...


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Your female primate and only one of two species on earth that has sex for pure pleasure only. You can be multi-orgasmic and have sex for severals hours with multiple partners. Mother nature design you to be promiscuous. Monogamous women slowly lose there sex drive leading to sexual dysfunction. You might try opening up your marriage. Find out what turns on your husband. Watch porn with him and pay attention to what really turns him on. The top viewed porn on the internet is two guys and one girl. Men are designed and driven to compete sexually its called sperm competition. Go slow introduce the idea of you with someone else and see if it turns him on. No single male is capable sexually satisfying you for life!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening DayDream
I think you just need to be honest with yourself (and your partner) when you start dating again. Nothing wrong with going on a date just to get laid as long as both people understand that is what is going on. There are lots of people who would be fun bedmates but not good long term partners. 

OTOH, any good long term partner should be a good bedmate.



BTW - in my opinion once the irrevocable decision has been made to separate, and one's partner informed, I consider the marriage to be over as far as exclusivity goes. No need for the paper work to come through. 




DayDream said:


> What's really bothering me, aside from lack of intimacy, is how this is gonna play out when I'm single. I'm scared of my HD getting me into trouble relationship-wise.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

Try to stay busy with other activities
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

DayDream said:


> My fear is more that I get attached to someone when I have sex and that's going to get me in trouble because I want to have sex but I also want to find the right guy to have sex with. I'm hoping I have the strength to hold out for Mr. Right.


The only thing that can get you into trouble is having sex with somebody who is married or if you are married and have sex with somebody who is not your spouse. When you're single you have every right to enjoy as much sex as you want with as many different people as you want. Just don't get attached to them because you want a bit of a romp - get yourself laid, enjoy it and then move on.


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