# Dating Red flag or negotiable?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So...when things pop up in dating that don't work for you, how do you decide whether that thing is a deal-breaking red flag / compatibility issue vs. something that might be negotiated away? Examples:

1. Date says he's ADHD. I'm an introvert. I have a hard enough time with non-ADHD people who are just bubbly. Are we doomed?

2. Date I've been dating over the course of two weeks: "You're in the States and it costs you 45 cents a text to text me? Firebelly! Don't do that!" (I get this little twist in my gut like he's chastizing me like a dad, which I don't take well.)

3. Upon seeing the vehicle I drive: "We need to get you a better car." Um....yeah....red flag.

4. Bad kisser 

5. Had sex twice. Both were bad. 

6. Guy I've been dating / sleeping with promises to help me move. I tell him I need him at 5:00. He texts me he will be late...every hour until 1:00 a.m. when he asks if I still need help. (This didn't happen to me but a friend who dumped his a$$ over just this incident.)

7. First date conversation was awkward and / or boring.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bad manners/rude behavior
Poor hygiene
Drugs
No job/life ambition
Still talking about an ex a lot or how all his exes are CRAZY

Dealbreakers / Non-negotiables for me

First kiss being awkward--that is something I could negotiate because hello, practice makes perfect and maybe we were both nervous. Character issues are what will spell a non-negotiable for me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

1. I'd want to know what he was doing to actively manage his ADHD. If the answer is "nothing" or "it's not a big deal" then that's a problem and potential red flag.

2. That probably wouldn't bother me, provided it was meant well and there wasn't a continuing habit of chastising me.

3. Yeeaaahhh, no. :redcard:

4. Bad kissing is only a problem if it doesn't improve or if he's not amenable to instruction.

5. See ya! :redcard:

6. Hell to the no. :redcard::redcard:

7. Probably a deal breaker. Some initial awkwardness is one thing. Continuing awkwardness, lack of interest, lack of spark and boring are all quite another.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All of them would make me move on.

lol! But I'm picky in my old age. If I ever date again, and I don't get back my girl...well...I'll be the worst! So picky. Oh well


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

firebelly1 said:


> 3. Upon seeing the vehicle I drive: "We need to get you a better car." Um....yeah....red flag.


:scratchhead:

I'd gladly let the right lady buy me a new car!!!


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

I be out the door so fast he have wind burn!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

How about trying to find someone where you don't have a list of red flag compromises? 

Seriously...the guy doesn't do it for you, why deal with any of it? I don't get it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Bad manners/rude behavior
> Poor hygiene
> Drugs
> No job/life ambition
> ...


:iagree:

But will also add, that first kiss........you'll know if it's good......or bad.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Cooper said:


> How about trying to find someone where you don't have a list of red flag compromises?
> 
> Seriously...the guy doesn't do it for you, why deal with any of it? I don't get it.


Well...good point. He does it for me in other ways, but the line of questioning assumes nobody is perfect, and I'm just trying to get some perspective. I can see the good in ANYBODY and I tend to overlook the bad things as just little foibles that can be overcome. I've overlooked what should have been red flags in the past so I want to be sure I can spot them.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sounds like a real keeper to me! Yeah right. Time for you to move on.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

firebelly1 said:


> Well...good point. He does it for me in other ways, but the line of questioning assumes nobody is perfect, and I'm just trying to get some perspective. I can see the good in ANYBODY and I tend to overlook the bad things as just little foibles that can be overcome. I've overlooked what should have been red flags in the past so I want to be sure I can spot them.



Those weren't all from the same guy, were they?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Definitely not red flags. I would be all for a long term relationship with someone who sucked in bed, had boring conversation, was cheap, materialistic, and a liar.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> So...when things pop up in dating that don't work for you, how do you decide whether that thing is a deal-breaking red flag / compatibility issue vs. something that might be negotiated away? Examples:
> 
> 1. Date says he's ADHD. I'm an introvert. I have a hard enough time with non-ADHD people who are just bubbly. Are we doomed?
> 
> ...



Just remember that people TELL and SHOW you who they are - you need to listen and see and BELIEVE it!

That little whisper in yer head, the hairs on the back of your neck, the little twinge in yer stomach - those are the signs that something ISN'T right. BELIEVE IT!

Everything on your list except for 7 - is a DEAL BREAKER.
Cut and run. 

Point is - if someone doesn't make your life better, or if you don't feel like you want to be a better person because of them, or they don't make your tummy have butterflies.....why bother?

Especially if you were in a dreadful past relationship(s) - if things aren't happier or better for you than you are being alone then to me it is a waste of time.

Also -thinking that someone will change or has potential? pffft


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

nice777guy said:


> Those weren't all from the same guy, were they?


1, 2, 3 & 5 - same guy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> 1, 2, 3 & 5 - same guy.


:slap:

IMO, if a guy displays more than one red flag, it's pretty much time to cut bait and run. I mean, one red-flag issue might be solvable. Two, three, more? Yeah, I'm not really up for being anyone else's mother or therapist, and I don't dig shoddy treatment. So, just...no.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

firebelly1 said:


> 1, 2, 3 & 5 - same guy.


Dear lord! LOL And you are questioning if he's a keeper?

Woman...you already know the answer...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> So...when things pop up in dating that don't work for you, how do you decide whether that thing is a deal-breaking red flag / compatibility issue vs. something that might be negotiated away? Examples:
> 
> 1. Date says he's ADHD. I'm an introvert. I have a hard enough time with non-ADHD people who are just bubbly. Are we doomed?
> 
> ...


If I see one red flag I MIGHT give a little slack and see if it was a one-off situation. But two? Nope. Those are all pretty big ones.

Broken promises, late, lack of follow-through all show to me a lack of sense of responsibility and consideration.

Bad kisser? Nope. Already had to make that call on a few occasions. Awkward is not the same as bad. A first kiss can be nervous or awkward. But if he turns out to be a BAD kisser? Nope. 

Bad sex/ Depends - usually men want to please women and I've found its a lack of communication/shyness on my part. That's why sex with a trusted long-term partner is so great!

1, 2 and 3 depend on the circumstances. If it's playful, out of consideration/concern and they aren't overly pushy about stuff it's OK.

7 I might give a second or third date to if enough other areas were right. But if it continued to be strained, then I think that goes to prove that the two people aren't compatible or they'd have lots to talk about. OR he's socially inept and has poor communication skills which would be problematic long term.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If I see one red flag I MIGHT give a little slack and see if it was a one-off situation. But two? Nope. Those are all pretty big ones.
> 
> Broken promises, late, lack of follow-through all show to me a lack of sense of responsibility and consideration.
> 
> ...


But 1, 2, 3 and 5 are the SAME GUY! lol


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, I saw that. Her original question was a bit more generic. 

Lots of ways that could go. The first ones wouldn't be huge red flags to me. The last 3 would. It's all a personal thing.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Please also be careful of too good or unrealistic. 

We have a family member who is just extraordinarily good with women. Good-looking, successful, magnetic, they just swarm all over him. Seeing him recently, there was one girl hanging around his house, a reasonably successful career woman, who said she was staying over because traffic was bad. Being 1 of 30 women chasing the same guy, because he is good-looking and knows how to act, is not good either. 

So don't look for unrealistic or perfect, and is there are a few kinks, then do still consider the guy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

1, 3, 5, and 6 would be deal breakers for me. 5 may warrant a talk and one more try - but only if there is great potential otherwise.

2 could go either way - it could just be honest concern, or a sign that s/he's not into you enough to welcome expensive texts, or perhaps that there is some kind of control issue. Only time will tell.

4 could go either way - either it can be improved, or not. My long term FWB started out as an anaconda rotor-rooter, but soon learned a more sensual and compatible kissing style.

7 could also go either way. I believe in second chances if there aren't any other obvious problems or incompatibilities. If they're newly back into the dating world, first dates can be stressful and intimidating, so I make allowances.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

I wondered if it was Enjoli who said, avoid a man who starts making plans / or try to fall for you well before you get to know him too well. It WAS wise.. Massive Red flag! Do you think someone is lonely or desperate? LOL


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