# Is this Selfish?



## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

I have two beautiful girls who make me laugh every day and make coming through the door after work truly worthwhile.

Then I have my wife.

I mentioned it in another thread but...I feel selfish even thinking about leaving because it would likely mean I'd get to see the girls FAR less if at all and I want to be that "Dad" in their lives so much. I just love the little creatures and the thought of not being around or of some other guy being there instead....I can't stand it. I want to be there for them always. I'm also not convinced that my wife would be totally stable if I was gone and that is a huge fear for the girls.

Then there's the non-sex, non-affection, fights, general BS etc for years. Fights are less lately but I still haven't had a sex life in waaay to long (don't even ask or see other thread)

I DESIRE women so xxxxxxx much after so long I am dying but god... is it insane to feel selfish considering the above? 

I feel so ridiculously self absorbed to be even considering it but god...I will break sooner or later. I even get offers randomly at times and out of the blue that..god....have been so hard to not take. A stiff breeeze and I'm there these days...

Has anyone else experienced this sense of huge selfishness as a dad who wants to be a normal man again but who also fears for losing his kids and possibly putting them into an odd place? 

Am I crazy to feel this way?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Nope.

I've never been one to support staying in a relationship for the children.

Children are very perceptive, they can figure out that mommy and daddy don't get along well or like the mommies and daddies of their friends.

You don't have to see them less - that's your choice.

Fight for custody - if not full custody, then 50/50 - you can still be an integral part of their lives - but a happy daddy and not a miserable daddy.

If that is the only thing keeping you - I would move on.

But that's me.


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## Red Riding Hood (Apr 14, 2011)

It's not selfish to feel that way, you are entitled to your feelings. What steps have you taken for either yourself or your marriage to try and rectify the situation?

~ Red


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You don't have to see them less - that's your choice.


I wish it was. 

Knowing what I do about the legal system in this country I am very doubtful that it's a given though. More importantly it is a question of living locations. I won't bore you with details but we coudl end up in different cities not even within driving distance. I don't think I could take that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you asked her to have sex with you??? Why no sexy time>


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Kilgore Salmon said:


> I wish it was.
> 
> Knowing what I do about the legal system in this country I am very doubtful that it's a given though. More importantly it is a question of living locations. I won't bore you with details but we coudl end up in different cities not even within driving distance. I don't think I could take that.


That's why it's up to you. 

You can choose to live where your kids live, or you can't.

The legal system these days gives a lot more latitude to fathers than it used to.

A mother having primary custody is not always ideal anymore and it shouldn't be.

Kids need both parents.

How you choose to work it out depends on what you wish to sacrifice.

But don't think that "staying" for the children will make you any less happy - it won't. And unfortunately, hindsight being 20/20 that it is, you may find yourself 10 years down the road wishing you had taken the less-traveled path.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you asked her to have sex with you??? Why no sexy time>


Ha! Good lord I've been without a normal sex life for almost 5 years and when i say that I mean twice a year tops. When it does happen, it sucks to be blunt.

She went through a massive PPD period with each child and it wasn't really depression but..well, pure rage directed at me every day, always. I could tell about 1,000 stories but suffice it to say, it destroyed our life together and even today, she is on anti-depressants and no where near the woman I married in about a dozen ways.

The hardest part is that she seems to have developed some sort of ..I don't know condition (?) where she cannot see herself in any light other than the good. Seriously, she has said she was sorry to me twice in the last 5 years and I kid you not. Once was after a physically violent episode while I was holding the 5 months old and even then I had to pull it out of her two months later to make her see that that was an f'ed situation.

Asking...I know you didn't mean to be but that's pretty funny.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You can choose to live where your kids live, or you can't.


I suppose employment doesn't factor into that?



> The legal system these days gives a lot more latitude to fathers than it used to


Not what I hear from friends who are lawyers.



> Kids need both parents


.

Completely agreed



> And unfortunately, hindsight being 20/20 that it is, you may find yourself 10 years down the road wishing you had taken the less-traveled path


That's my biggest worry. I can sacrifice another 10-15 years to personally ensure their safety and security but what then?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Kilgore Salmon said:


> I suppose employment doesn't factor into that?
> 
> Not what I hear from friends who are lawyers.
> 
> ...


Nope - that's what I mean by sacrifice.

When my son's son was moved by his mother to another city - my son quit his job and followed. It was more important to him to be near/with his son than a job was.

He just got another job. Maybe not what he had or wanted - but his son was more important.

That's my point.

It's your choice to decide what you are willing to do or sacrifice to maintain your own happiness and to be there for your children too.

If it means staying in a marriage where you are completely miserable - then that's your sacrifice.

If it means leaving the marriage, but having to relocate, quit your job and maybe lower your standard of living to be there for your children - then that's your sacrifice.

It all depends on you.

And all lawyers aren't right - circumstances are different for every couple and every situation - my son got 50/50 custody and he was an unwed father. It all depends...


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