# Is it ever justified to lie?



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

New poster here...

I married my wife even though I had very little attraction to her physically or emotionally. I knew she wanted to marry me, and I felt pressure from her, from family, and from peers. With great uncertainty in my heart, I married in the hopes that attraction would develop later. 10 yrs later I am struggling with what level of honesty is now appropriate, especially regarding why I have virtually no interest in sex.

I am ashamed to admit it, but these problems were there before we married. Part of the issue -- (I'm not proud to admit this) -- was that she gradually gained weight throughout our dating years but simply refused to make any diligent, consistent effort to keep her shape up or to incorporate exercise into her regimen. We have no children, and there is no medical condition. Her unwillingness to spend reasonable effort here has been far more detrimental than she knows.

There are a few other related issues tying back to her own motivation which are more or less similar. Regarding my own desire, these are all deal breakers. On several occasions -- both before and after marriage -- I tried to be honest and communicate, but she went completely nuts. So I backpedaled, saying I had misspoken, and did my best to pretend from that point forward. If someone else or something else turned me on, I let it escape her notice that it wasn't her. If I just wasn't excited (most of the time), I made excuses about not being in the mood or feeling stressed. Problem is, 30-something guys are supposed to be a lot more in the mood than me.

As we get older, this deceitful game is getting more difficult to keep up. Should I just keep lying, or is it time to be honest about the whole thing and let the cards fall where they may? This may mean divorce, which is fine (if she initiates it). My main concern is to avoid hurting her unnecessarily. We're good friends and I love her. I'm just not attracted romantically.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Definitely tell her. I know you dont want to hurt her but dont you think she deserves to be with someone that finds her attractive? Deceit is such a horrible thing. she's waisting her life on you and you're dragging her along. i have a personal investment in this because i know my H is not attracted to me yet he wont tell me. its exhausting. so just tell her. she might freak out initially (can you blame her?) but at least she'll be able to make an informed choice. and why you would ever want to be with a women you arent attracted to is beyond me. the best part of marriage is sex and you are missing out.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I was in the same boat with my first husband. I cared for him, we had same goals etc, but wasnt attracted to him sexually at all... perhaps aided in part by his ED, but physically he was not appealing to me either. After 7 years of marriage we had our second child and I was surprised to find myself asking him for sex... for the first time ever but our pattern was set and I took the no hard briefly but then just continued on with our sexless pattern. I never told him I wasnt attracted to him bc I didnt want to crush him. Maybe if I had we could have talked about it, but I think he just would have yelled and condemned me for marrying someone I wasnt attracted to (he had a temper). I used to think that if I just love him enough as a person, that other stuff will either happen on its own or it wont matter... at 10 years we divorced (more because of his temper, but if I had been attracted to him I wonder if I would have tried harder to stay). 

Now, Im married to someone with a personality much like my first husband (temper and controlling) but I am atrated to him physically. I have to say after being married to him less than 1 year, my desire to work things out has almost disappeared... even though I can still look at him and drool. I am in shock as I thought the attraction would motivate me more to keep at things... but its not. However, theere is an anger factor here that you are not mentioning... so minus the anger, I would be really trying hard to work it out. Im typing tonight because after he asked me to have my kids dad watch my kids tonight so we could have a date night with promised hours long lovemaking... Im sitting here at the f-ing computer and he is upstairs asleep bc he was too tired to do what he said.

It is too difficult to maintain a delusion... after years it becomes impossible. There is no easy way to share with her what your thoughts are, but neither is continuing to live the lie. I couldnt. I dont think I can this time either. Thats why we need to be certain of what we want and dont want and can and cant live with and then choose the mate based on that. Holding out the hope for a change or a miracle just doesnt work. I feel you as I was there too and best of luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It is very very unfortunate that with some people, they siimply can not handle the truth, they almost would rather be lied too. She demonstrated this early in your relationship and the hiding began -for you. 1st mistake. You taking those words back, maybe in the way of delivery, but your feelings on how it affects you -NEVER. People should not do this (yes, let the chips fall where they may), it destoys communication - which destoys intimacy - which destorys happiness & marragies. 

You have a right to share that with someone you want to marry or are married too. Always. 

Have you made it a consistent habit to shield her from this truth- meaning she looks for reassurance & you give it to her -whatever makes her happy -- Or you are just more SILENT in the matter - she does not seek your affirming comments , nor do you say sexy /affirming things to her -to keep the lie going? 

You may have a bigger hole to climb out of if you have went above & beyond - with the reassurance. 

Life is too short, if this is a Deal Breaker for you, she needs to be clued in. It is not fair to her, it is not fair to you.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

@SimplyAmorous

Extremely insightful advice. You've given me real reason to pause. Thank you.

Overall I've been quite silent (where possible) to avoid creating a completely false reality. What I'd like to say is, "I love you, but I've never been particularly attracted. Here are some things you could do to help me out. And not disregarding our marital struggles, please try to be more optimistic in your life in general because that also makes you more attractive." (Yeah, right)

From time to time, she gets on my case pretty bad. If she thinks the conversation is moving in the direction of "husband isn't attracted..." she totally freaks out! Because of this, I compromised honesty in other ways, even lying about transient crushes on other women (no flirting or cheating; just crushes). You are completely right, though. This is destroying intimacy in my marriage. 

I would not say that I ever "gush" to convince her that I am attracted. I just do the minimum to reassure her that "yes, you are pretty and yes I love you." It's like the adult equivalent of, "Can we be friends?"


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