# 10 Years Later.



## 102none

14 years ago I unexpectedly met a man. 4 years later we were making wedding plans. Then he went on social media and reconnect with a chick that he knew when he was 12 (childhood friends) dated for a month until he moved to a different age @16. Then @ 18, he relocated to another state; they lost touch until 2 months before our wedding. Now, this chick called my house and said that she was moving here and kicking me out of my bed to sleep with my fiance. I told him that he needs to decide if he wants to be with her or marry me, he chose me. I moved to the city where I met my husband to focus on me, my dreams and I kept putting those on hold because he could not keep a stable job. 2020 came and things were going to change for the better. He turned 40 and was finally becoming a responsible adult, he was even working during the pandemic, he was excited to finally enjoy a job that gave him great retirement benefits. Since I was off work because of the pandemic, we took this time to redecorate the house and building a deck in the back yard. Then he went back on social media and this girl was back in our lives. When I saw they were friends, I asked if it was going to be a problem, he said no. There social media activities eventually moved to talk on the phone 5 times a day. Then when I asked him about it, he said they were just friends. I began catching him in lies, sneaking to talk to her, even driving around the block to finish a conversation with her. When I asked him about it, he would just shrug his shoulders and say that's not true. No matter how much I asked what was going on, he would not talk to me about it. I couldn't take it anymore and two days ago I threw him out of our bedroom when I caught him outside at 2 am texting her. Yesterday when he woke up, I calmly said we need to talk. I asked what he wanted. Did he want to stay married or be with her? Still, I couldn't get an answer from him. 

To speed the process along I gave him 3 options: 
1-stop talking to her and work on our marriage
2-stay with his brother for a bit until he can give an answer
3-leave me and go be with her. 

With a sad look on his face, he said "fine, I'll leave." Leave what? Leave me forever, or leave for a few days and come back? He said leave forever! Then he said he loves me but he also loves her. Oh yeah, you couldn't tell me about his 10 years ago? Ughh. Then I asked so in the last two weeks you guys have what, been planning a life together. He said no, she lives in another state. Yeah, exactly so what you're moving there, she moving here? Since she is 40 and still lives at home, did she think you were gonna leave me and I was gonna move out? Then, as I was throwing his clothes in trash bags, I said I at least deserve to know why? (Right cause we need closure lol) Then he cliched me and said, "it's not you, it's me, I loved her since I was 12." Yeah, buddy, I know it's not me I do not need your reassurance on that on, but you had the chance to tell me this 10 years ago, why now? He didn't respond to that one. Then as he was walking out the door, he turned around and gave me this unbelievably said look. Was he sad cause he immediately regretted his decision? Was he sad because he was losing his home? His dogs? Whatever it was, I will never know the answer. 

So he left and here I am hurt and angry because he could have told me this 10 years ago!! 10 years that I could have accomplished my educational goals. 10 years that I could have been with a man who could have children. 10 years. 10 years. And that is what hurts the most. I feel like I have sacrificed so much for him. He was my best friend and now he's gone forever. Our current plans, gone. Our future plans, gone. So here I am at 41, no children, no husband; having to rebuild my life.


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## Lostinthought61

I am sorry you find yourself here, let me say I am proud at how you handled it with him, but would you rather 51, 20 years down the road and be facing this with him having been cheating along the way?
Look there is no good time for a marriage to come to an end, many drag on for years before they end....you instead asked the right questions, simply and clearly, gave him his options and he stated his decision....at least you can move on to owning and directing your life and he can pine for someone he honestly doesn’t really know and regret what he had...yeah it’s a shame you wasted 10 years with him but in those 10 years you gain wisdom and knowledge of what you really want and need with a partner....

I will say this, my gut tells me he is a man who sees lost and not sure of what he wants...don’t be surprised if he comes knocking at your door someday. Sorry again.


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## EleGirl

@Lkelly4,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

There is a chance that he will be back. What often happens with affairs is once the wayward spouse (WS) runs off with the affair partner (AP), reality sets in. Suddenly she has to meet all of his emotional needs because you are no longer there for him. That's something she has never had to do. So for her the relationship changes and becomes something that she did not sign up for. You need to keep in mind that he might very well be back. Very often what the WS does is tries to have some kind of relationship with their spouse while living with the AP. Be careful of him playing this game.

At this point you need to put your focus on protecting yourself emotionally. The best way to do this is to interact with him per the 180 (see the link in my signature block below. The idea is that you do this to protect yourself until one of two things happen: 1) he ends the affair, ends all contact with her and agrees to work on your marriage or 2) you fall out of love with him and are ready to move on.

You also need to do whatever you can to protect yourself financially. It would be a good idea if you were to see an attorney and go over your finances, home ownership, etc. You might want to get something filed to prevent him from acting as though it's still his house. He might have ownership rights, but he's moved out.


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## Baldy

It sounds like they are still thinking and fantasizing like teenagers. You’re rightfully pissed. I do believe they will crash and burn when real life hits them. Don’t fall for his sad face if he tries to return.


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## maquiscat

You are on the right path. Even within poly we don't take well to cheating. He went behind your back and kept it secret. This is not a good basis for any kind of a LTR, yet alone a marriage.


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## Marduk

I'm so sorry you're here and so sorry your husband behaved this way. 

My best advice is just to go through it. You asked him what he wanted, and what he wanted was to leave you for someone else. That is awful. But it's your new reality. Are there any support groups nearby? You might find something like that helpful.

Also, this is a great place to find support from those that have been through it.

A couple caution points though: call a lawyer right away. He just abandoned the home, and you should take advantage of that if possible. Change the locks (if that's legal). Schedule an STD test (you never know, better safe than sorry).

Oh, and expect him to try to come crawling back. Don't let him.


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## 102none

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am sorry you find yourself here, let me say I am proud at how you handled it with him, but would you rather 51, 20 years down the road and be facing this with him having been cheating along the way?
> Look there is no good time for a marriage to come to an end, many drag on for years before they end....you instead asked the right questions, simply and clearly, gave him his options and he stated his decision....at least you can move on to owning and directing your life and he can pine for someone he honestly doesn’t really know and regret what he had...yeah it’s a shame you wasted 10 years with him but in those 10 years you gain wisdom and knowledge of what you really want and need with a partner....
> 
> I will say this, my gut tells me he is a man who sees lost and not sure of what he wants...don’t be surprised if he comes knocking at your door someday. Sorry again.


Thank you for your kind words and strength. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but you're are correct, I now see what I want in a partner. Thank you again.


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## Marc878

You probably only know the Tip of the Iceberg.

We‘re just friends is the biggest lie told.

Cheaters lie a lot.

I wouldn’t waste another minute on this. Stop making anyone a priority when you are only an option to them.

google serial cheater.


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## 102none

My husband left me 5 days ago for a childhood friend that he was built an emotional relationship with. When he came over today to talk, the first thing I asked him was if he was still talking to her? He said no. AS we were talking he told me that he sought her out because I was focusing too much of my time on my education and not enough time on him; which was true. I saw and admitted to my faults. Then he received a text message, and I was like that is where I am going to have a hard time and something that I have to work through is every time your phone rings, I'm gonna wonder if its her? He said its not her, that he hasn't talked to her since the day he left because he did want her, he wanted me. So he handed me his phone, and it happened to be on his call log. WOW, he called her while he was on his way to talk to me...WHAT! So I said you lied, you lied to me again, you are called her 22 mins ago, and hour ago, 12 hrs. ago, etc for the last 5 days. And he was like "I was calling her to tell her I wanted to be with you, but she hasn't talked to me since I left you." OMG, so if she would have talked to you after you broke up our marriage, would you be here talking to me? He couldn't answer with pissed me off and I started to yell so he shut down. Yes, my actions halted the process. And I asked him to leave because I don't know if he was here because he wanted to be or he was here because she stopped talking to him. What do I do now? I'm thinking marriage counseling because I love my husband and I know that she was giving him the attention I wasn't, but the fact he chose to walk out of the door and establish a relationship with her, only wanted to come back when she wouldn't take his call is frustrating.


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## bobert

STOP blaming yourself for your husband's actions. You focusing on your education or not giving him enough attention did NOT make him cheat. There are a number of other choices he could have made, none of which involve infidelity. He could have talked to you about it, he could have divorced you if he was so unhappy, etc.

STOP allowing him to blameshift! As long as he is blaming you rather than taking 100% ownership he is NOT a good candidate for reconciliation.

STOP allowing him to lie to you. He is still lying his ass off and he will continue to do that as long as you keep buying it.

I'm not against reconciliation (I'm doing it) and marriages can be saved after infidelity but you have to have something to work with. Right now your husband is not a good candidate for reconciliation.

You do not need marriage counseling right now. You BOTH need to start with individual counseling. Marriage counseling comes later. If he is unwilling to do that then that tells you all you need to know.


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## Emerging Buddhist

It isn't just frustrating... it is telling.

Action do that...

Are you his priority or option?

You know the difference.


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## Andy1001

You are now plan B. 
Never be anyone’s plan B.


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## aine

Why are you starting another thread on the same topic? We gave you lots of advice on the other thread, have you been following it? It looks like no. The advice here will not be any different. Do not take him back, sort yourself out, he is lying through his teeth and he will continue to do so once you started the 'pick me' dance.
We told you to do 180 on him, go see a lawyer, change the locks on the doors, let him have her is he wants her, move on with your life, focus on getting a good counsellor for yourself.
Please keep this to one thread so it is easier for posters who take time out of their busy days to try and help others.


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## Openminded

No.


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## Lostinthought61

we knew this would be a very real possibility right Kelly, and you were upset at how much time you wasted on him, so let me ask you what has changed? he left you, physically and mentally left you only to come back with excuses...nope enough is enough you do not play second billing to anyone....sorry but if you take him back it says a lot about you not him, we know what he is, but what does it say about you and your self esteem.


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## Openminded

You’re Plan B because Plan A appears not to be working for him. Either you’ll be okay with that or you won’t. And what happens if she decides she wants him at some point after you’ve taken him back?

Better to start over at 41 than in another ten or twenty or thirty years (and that happens more than you think).


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## hinterdir

If he has had sex with her I'd say no, divorce him and put him in your past. 

If not, the only way to take him back is if he cuts her out of his life 100%. He cannot text her, talk to her, email her, social media post her ever again. He must come and commit to you fully and be fully transparent with you with his phone, passwords, accounts, his whereabouts so that you can have full peace that he isn't sneaking off back to her. 
"Forsaking all other women" is a typical promise in wedding vows. 
He needs to uphold his promise to you and make you the woman in his life and have NO OTHERS before you. 

But, as I say, if he's screwed this other woman.....divorce, grieve, mourn, heal and move on.


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## EleGirl

@Lkelly4,

I merged your threads into this one. You will get better input with one thread on your topic. More than one thread confuses those reading and replying.


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## pastasauce79

He's been "in looove" with her since he was 12. He's been thinking and fantasizing about her while single and while married to you. What makes you think that's going to stop?

He's back at your door because his childhood "love" hasn't answered his calls and he doesn't want to be alone. 

If this lady calls him tomorrow, he'll be out the door before you can blink.

Please do yourself a favor and kick him out of your life. 

I'm 40 and I have no patience for stupid, immature sh*t like this. 

Unfortunately he's someone who lives in fantasy land (he's an idiot!)

It seems you have a plan. You know what you want. It's not too late to make your dreams come true. It's going to be easier if you are alone. You don't need a man sucking the life out of you. You need someone who can lift you up not someone who can bring you down. 

Have confidence in yourself. Pack his stuff and dump his sorry a**. You deserve better!!!


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## EleGirl

Lkelly4 said:


> My husband left me 5 days ago for a childhood friend that he was built an emotional relationship with. When he came over today to talk, the first thing I asked him was if he was still talking to her? He said no. AS we were talking he told me that he sought her out because I was focusing too much of my time on my education and not enough time on him; which was true. I saw and admitted to my faults. Then he received a text message, and I was like that is where I am going to have a hard time and something that I have to work through is every time your phone rings, I'm gonna wonder if its her? He said its not her, that he hasn't talked to her since the day he left because he did want her, he wanted me. So he handed me his phone, and it happened to be on his call log. WOW, he called her while he was on his way to talk to me...WHAT! So I said you lied, you lied to me again, you are called her 22 mins ago, and hour ago, 12 hrs. ago, etc for the last 5 days. And he was like "I was calling her to tell her I wanted to be with you, but she hasn't talked to me since I left you." OMG, so if she would have talked to you after you broke up our marriage, would you be here talking to me? He couldn't answer with pissed me off and I started to yell so he shut down. Yes, my actions halted the process. And I asked him to leave because I don't know if he was here because he wanted to be or he was here because she stopped talking to him. What do I do now? I'm thinking marriage counseling because I love my husband and I know that she was giving him the attention I wasn't, but the fact he chose to walk out of the door and establish a relationship with her, only wanted to come back when she wouldn't take his call is frustrating.


Now you see why you need to be doing the 180. He has not ended the affair. Think of it. Who ends an affair or any relationship over the phone? Sounds like a junior high kid. Affairs seldom ends if the parties have contact. It's so easy to just get sucked back into the relationship.

With the 180 you do not talk to him again about anything emotional, or about the relationship, until he has ended ALL contact with her and he can prove to you that there is no further contact. The only way you should accept that he has ended the affair is if he writes and sends her what is called a no-contact letter. I posted a sample no contact letter below. In the letter, he has to only focus on you and your marriage. He should not say thing about the affair, or any sad good bye's etc. He needs to write it and then the two of you go together to mail it. 

Then he has to give you complete access to this cell phone, all online accounts, etc.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It spells out the steps you need to take as the betrayed spouse. It talks about Plan A and Plan B (see links in my signature block below). You have already done Plan A. Now it's time for Plan B. The 180 is part of Plan B.

====================================================================
*Sample No Contact Letter*
====================================================================
_​(His Affair Partner's Name):

What we did was wrong, and although I can’t change the past, I can change the future. So, out of love and respect for my wife, my kids, and my marriage, I am ending this relationship with you immediately. I love my wife, and need to diligently work on restoring my marriage, and will no longer do anything to put that in jeopardy any longer. 

I will not be contacting you any further, or in any way.

I ask you to please respect my decision to end this relationship and do not try to pursue contact with me in the future, as I will show my wife any communication you try to resume. 

his name here.​_


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## Arkansas

102none said:


> So here I am at 41, no children, no husband; having to rebuild my life.



I am 50, wife of 24 years left me for our daughters ex-boyfriend who was 21 at the time, my son is going to be gone soon, I had the person in my life who knew me best walk away .......... and I am FAR FAR BETTER FOR IT TODAY !

I'm serious. I would have swore to you 4 months ago I was married one time, love wasn't going to find me again, I felt unwanted, unloved ........ I was wrong and you're wrong to have those feelings too. 

What happened when he left is now, you're not going to be lied to daily. he's not going to walk all over you now, use your love or abuse your love. Those are all GOOD THINGS

File for divorce, do it in the way YOU want it done .... and move on with your life. I'm sorry this happened to you, I am ............ but make lemonade now from the lemons. Pray, try and find a path to God, allow God to intervene a bit and lead you out of this suck place your husband put you in.


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## ABHale

102none said:


> My husband left me 5 days ago for a childhood friend that he was built an emotional relationship with. When he came over today to talk, the first thing I asked him was if he was still talking to her? He said no. AS we were talking he told me that he sought her out because I was focusing too much of my time on my education and not enough time on him; which was true. I saw and admitted to my faults. Then he received a text message, and I was like that is where I am going to have a hard time and something that I have to work through is every time your phone rings, I'm gonna wonder if its her? He said its not her, that he hasn't talked to her since the day he left because he did want her, he wanted me. So he handed me his phone, and it happened to be on his call log. WOW, he called her while he was on his way to talk to me...WHAT! So I said you lied, you lied to me again, you are called her 22 mins ago, and hour ago, 12 hrs. ago, etc for the last 5 days. And he was like "I was calling her to tell her I wanted to be with you, but she hasn't talked to me since I left you." OMG, so if she would have talked to you after you broke up our marriage, would you be here talking to me? He couldn't answer with pissed me off and I started to yell so he shut down. Yes, my actions halted the process. And I asked him to leave because I don't know if he was here because he wanted to be or he was here because she stopped talking to him. What do I do now? I'm thinking marriage counseling because I love my husband and I know that she was giving him the attention I wasn't, but the fact he chose to walk out of the door and establish a relationship with her, only wanted to come back when she wouldn't take his call is frustrating.


Get past this being your fault now.

Lack of attention from you is not the issue with his cheating. You were in school and had to devote time to your studies. Just like my wife was in college the first 4 years of our marriage. I didn’t look up other women to take up the time that she was using to study. Your husband’s reason is bullsit. He chose to cheat by having an emotional affair. This was his decision and his choice.
You are also right in thinking him would have been with her if she was still talking with him. Him calling and leaving messages on her phone was to get a response from her before he arrived home to you.

He doesn’t love you the way you love him. Don’t think he ever will.


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## 102none

EleGirl said:


> @Lkelly4,
> 
> I merged your threads into this one. You will get better input with one thread on your topic. More than one thread confuses those reading and replying.


Thank you, Im new to this and did not know that was an option. Thanks again.


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## ConanHub

He is a perfect waste of skin.

I am very sorry you gave so much up for this weasel.

I'm heartbroken for you.

Stop investing your time, emotions and finances in toilet bacteria.

Humans are far more rewarding to have relationships with.


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## NorthernGuard

You're definately plan B. Please do yourself a favour and hit him hard with the 180 and detach from this piece of crap! Consult a lawyer now! I have to wonder if your husband coming back and feeding you that line of B.S. (about the affair being over and not in contact with her) is because he acted in haste when he walked out, and his GF doesn't have her ducks in a row and wasn't quite ready yet, so he's slithering his way back to you and his soft landing until she's ready for him. 

They may have even discussed it and agreed that this is the most prudent move for him at the moment, then he'll blindside you once again when they're ready to roll out their plan of being together. He's probably trying to lull you into a false sense of security so you'll drop your guard. All the while, they're teamed up and preparing to stick another knife in your back.


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## MattMatt

Gosh. Zombie Cat is quite busy this evening. He has determined that this zombie thread must also be closed to further replies.

This time he and two of his many cousins have turned up to close the thread down. I think the other cousin_* might *_be adopted, but please don't tell him, OK?


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