# Urgent--please please help me : (



## PaintedFlower (Mar 29, 2012)

In a nutshell, my DH and I have been married for over 5 years. We have two very young little girls and one with special needs.

My husband has been involved in an EA for some time now and is constantly lying about it. I have confronted him several times and am met with anger, rage even. He has walked out of the house earlier this year for about a month because he was "confused" and needed space and time to think.

He came back home but refuses to stop contact. He contacts her in various ways behind my back. Last I checked, the girl lives clear across the country and they have not met in person. 

His phone bill is astronomically high and he claims he "doesn't know why". The lies and deception is constant. 

As long as I don't bring "her" up, then he is a sweetheart. He compliments me and helps out where he can. But I know there is more going on than meets the eye. I am terrified to be alone, but more afraid of what a possible separation/divorce might do to our children. They are both very sensitive little girls and I worry for them.

I told him we need to have a big talk tonight but I am afraid. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want him to blow up and leave, and most of all, place all the blame on me. I internalize a lot and I am already at capacity. I know that if I just stay quiet then life will continue on a somewhat peaceful level. I am scared of what happens if I *do* stand up for myself and demand him to stop all contact with this girl. He has already threatened me once when I said it...basically implying that he would leave forever.

The problem is, I do know some things about their relationship. They sound like they are in deep so I don't know if he could stop talking to her altogether. I know my children and I deserve better but I don't know how to proceed.

Thank you so much for reading...and any advice that you can offer!

I do love him terribly, and I am absolutely devastated and scared to my core.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

Flower, you need to draw a line in the sand. Tell him it is either you or her...he can't have both of you. If he does the right thing and chooses you, have him write a no contact letter. Read it yourself and then mail it. 

I am a betrayed spouse (BS) myself. My WW had a month long physical affair (PA) while I was out of town doing training that spanned from this past Jan through Feb. I am still in limbo and it is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I've had emotions I did not know were in me, as well as pain I never thought possible. And they are still continuing. You do not deserve to be strung along, and neither do your children. Stick around and you will get many more helpful responses.


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## PaintedFlower (Mar 29, 2012)

Thank you so much for your response!

I am so sorry you had to go through something similar. It is a very sad thing to go through life doubting and resenting the one person who was supposed to be your rock. Terrifying, really.

At this time I don't know if I have the courage to face him and make demands, even though they are more than justified. I do not want him to leave us...


I know he will always have to be in the picture because of the kids, but I just don't know if I am prepared for that fate. He is my best friend and part of me believes him when he says that this was never intentional and that it was never supposed to go in the place that it did. But why can't he let go? He claims that she has helped him so much and he doesn't want to be an *******. But at what cost to me and his babies?


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

The one thing that DS's all have in common is selfishness. And that is exactly what he is doing. There cannot be 3 people involved in your M and he knows that. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. But life doesn't work like that. Principles and commitments trump emotions/desires. But he is backwards. He has not been given a good reason to end the A. Give him one.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. You can be courageous. Hopefully he can too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have enough info on the OW (other woman) to know if she is married or in another relationship in real life? If you don't know, you need to find out. You probably should not have 'that' talk with your husband until you know enough about her that you contact people in her life.

You need to expose the EA. If she has a husband or boyfriend, you need to contact that person and give him copies of all emails, etc that you can find. If you can find her family, expose the EA to them as well and tell them that she is trying to break up a family with small children. Ask their help in ending the EA.

Tell you husband's parents and siblings, tell yours, tell friends... anyone you know who can put pressure on him to end the EA.

Yes he will get angry when you do this. If he get threatening call the police on him. He needs a wakeup call. 

Affairs do not survive long when the light is turned on and everyone can see what is going on. They are by nature secrets that survive in the dark.

If I were you I would also write her an email telling her that you have aware of the EA and expect her to have the decency to leave your husband alone and let you two fix your marriage. Ask her why she is hell bent on tearing apart the family of small children. Is she really the kind of person who is this evil?
Also tell her of how your husband has become threatening about the EA that he expects you a to put up with his cheating or he has threatened to harm you. She has no idea who he really is as this is a long distance EA. 
Then after you have wreaked as much damage as possible on the EA, have ‘that’ talk with your husband. Tell him that you will not put up with his EA. He either ends contact NOW or you are filing for divorce. 

He needs to know that you are serious and that you will not be forced into submission by his threats.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

PaintedFlower said:


> At this time I don't know if I have the courage to face him and make demands, even though they are more than justified. I do not want him to leave us...
> 
> 
> I know he will always have to be in the picture because of the kids, but I just don't know if I am prepared for that fate. He is my best friend and part of me believes him when he says that this was never intentional and that it was never supposed to go in the place that it did. But why can't he let go? He claims that she has helped him so much and he doesn't want to be an *******. But at what cost to me and his babies?


First... you have to have the courage, he is disrespecting you and it will only continue if you do not stand up for yourself and your daughters to be a priority.

Second...He claims she has helped him so much and he doesn't want to be an *******? I call bull****!!!
So it is OK to be an a**ho** to you but not OK for him to do it to her?

Right now he has already chosen her... Question is... are you gonna fight for your family or not. If you do not confont him.. he will eventually go to her as his heart is already there. IMO


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like your husband is a bully. How dare he get mad at you for this!! Time for you to man up, so to speak. 

I agree about exposure. See, he is getting regular dopamine hits from his relationship with this woman, like a drug addict. He will do whatever he needs to do to continue getting hits of the drug. The only way to stop this is to expose it, and/or give him dire consequences.


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## PaintedFlower (Mar 29, 2012)

About 2 months ago, during the time he was living apart from us (1 month duration)....I did expose him.

Everyone knew and he hated me for it. More gaslighting, blame, and attacks on my character. It went nowhere. Either the people I told hated him for it, or saw me as the troubled one. I retreated.

The OW is single and young. She cares nothing about the destruction being caused, and neither does he. 

Through this whole experience, I have realized that the three of us are all cowards in our own ways.

At this point I am sure that I am not ready to take a stand. I know that I need to, but I do not have all of my ducks lines up so to speak.

This sounds like an excuse/fear I'm sure...it probably is. I do realize how pathetic I sound. I am fortunate that one of my daughters is only a few months old and the other one is blissfully unaware of all that is going on...at least on a conscious level. They are my priority right now...I am shielding them from this chaos as much as possible. At home things are peaceful, even if they are artificial. Somehow I think that migh tbe better, at least for now, than the alternative.

This EA will fizzle out, right? I mean the girl lives across the country for goodness sakes. 

On a bright note, I have lost so much weight and have actually been getting compliments from people! This may not sound like much, but I have battled weight and self esteem issues for the last 15 years (I was pencil thin all my life before then) and it helps to see SOME kind of positive there.


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## PaintedFlower (Mar 29, 2012)

I should also mention that I knew my DH was talking to her a year ago but at that time I believe it was just friends. However, the texting was constant and unecessary. So I told her to stop all contact with him.

She basically called me every horrible name in the book and made snide remarks. 

Obviously she doesn't give a damn. She is too selfish. She has tunnel vision and "can"t imagine" her life without my DH.

DELUSIONAL. The sad part is, my DH has said the same in so many words.

Time is running out. I am slowly (but surely!) getting stronger and more aware. I need to research consequences of divorce and everything that goes along with it. I need to know the law, and what the kids and I are entitled to. I don't want to jump into a dark pond in the middle of the night so to say.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

PaintedFlower said:


> At this point I am sure that I am not ready to take a stand.


This means that you have two options.
1. Accept that you have an open marriage. Stop asking your husband about his girlfriend and just learn to live the best you can.
2. Emotionally detach yourself from your husband. Treat him like a roommate. Stop having sex with him. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Work on yourself. Change your behaviors 180 degrees from the whiny complaining that you've been doing.
The Healing Heart: The 180



PaintedFlower said:


> This EA will fizzle out, right? I mean the girl lives across the country for goodness sakes.


Of course it will! I mean, how many divorces happen in this country each year? It can't be more than a handful. 



PaintedFlower said:


> On a bright note, I have lost so much weight and have actually been getting compliments from people! This may not sound like much, but I have battled weight and self esteem issues for the last 15 years (I was pencil thin all my life before then) and it helps to see SOME kind of positive there.


Good! Keep that up.


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