# Thoughts/Opinions on my wife?



## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Just stumbled on this website and thought it might be a good place to get some thoughts and opinions on my wife.

Some quick background: married for almost 10 years, no kids.

In the early stages of our marriage, both of us worked hard. Regardless of what job she had, she would find herself stressed out, often taking the stress out on me in the form of temper tantrums and blaming me for making her work.

As my career/business improved, we got to a stage where she no longer had to work. This was a relief to both of us as she would now be stress-free (from work) and I would no longer have to put up with her tempers and constantly blaming me for her having to work.

She has now not worked for about 2 years now. She sleeps in daily and spends her time cooking (which she loves) and doing basic chores around the house like laundry, ironing, etc.

The house is still very much a mess though as she doesn't seem to have much motivation in proactively doing anything that doesn't appear to be urgent. In fact, I find myself on weekends having to clean up parts of the house that have just gotten to be too much of a mess during the week while I'm away at work.

During her free time (which she has a lot of), she spends on facebook, twitter, playing ipad/iphone games, online shopping or going out for lunches with her friends.

With our extra income now, she has gotten herself luxury bags and watches, items which she has told me she deserves as a sign of my love for her.

She comes from a poor family whom she is very close to. Her brother's business is failing/bankrupt and she uses part of her monthly money/allowance I give her to give to her mother, who then uses it to pay for her brother's babysitter. She also regularly gives her parents and siblings cash gifts (guess where the money came from?) annually e.g. Christmas, usually ranging from several hundred to a thousand dollars or more.

If I display any indication of resentment about this (seriously, why is it my responsibility to support her brother's family?), she'll accuse me of being selfish or calculative when it comes to her family. She says as her husband, I should be generous to her family. I have never given my own family even half of what I've given to hers (directly or indirectly).

She is now pressuring me to buy a new house for us. She says she hates our current house. Doing this will put both us about $500k at least in debt. She gets upset if I tell her I need time to think about it. She says she wants a new house ASAP.

Wow, after writing all that out, it actually seems a lot worse than I thought. I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I'm really not.

I have a feeling nobody here is going to think much of my wife after reading all that. I guess I put up with it because I do love her, although I have very often thought of leaving. Even though I love her, I think I'd be perfectly happy just living by myself.

We have other issues with our marriage, but I'll leave it at that for now. Please let me know what you think.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

so essentially you're paying for her to be a teenager?
she gave up work at the first opportunity and expects you to support her and her family too? 
so what if she says you're selfish? people in glass houses and all that....

if she wants to spend her monthly allowance on her family then let her, but tell her there won't be any more....


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Marriage is a partnership. So in all you described above, exactly what is HER contribution to the marriage? I think you will get a number of people telling you to "man up" and I'm going to agree with them in advance.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

..........and I guess the sex is either lousy or nil.

Obviously she does not respect you because you continue to reward her bad behaviour with a hefty allowance.

She seems to have false sense of entitlement, and you have put her on a pedestal .
Bad mistake.
You are now her " loyal servant,"

Time to start checking some of her online activity, see who she's connecting with on fb and prepare yourself.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

rj700 said:


> Marriage is a partnership. So in all you described above, exactly what is HER contribution to the marriage? I think you will get a number of people telling you to "man up" and I'm going to agree with them in advance.


Thanks. Please elaborate on "man up". What should I do?


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> ..........and I guess the sex is either lousy or nil.
> 
> Obviously she does not respect you because you continue to reward he bad behaviour with a hefty allowance.
> 
> ...


Eh, if you're suggesting she's having an affair, I doubt it. Not saying it's impossible, but not likely.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

tell her that if she wants to splash money around she needs to start contributing something herself, stop giving her thousands of dollars to give as gifts, when she accuses you of being selfish tell her she's quite welcome to get a job and give all her wages to her family if she so desires


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tamii said:


> Eh, if you're suggesting she's having an affair, I doubt it. Not saying it's impossible, but not likely.


No man thinks he wife is having an affair.
If you're so sure, then why not just check to prove yourself right?

What's your sex life like?


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> No man thinks he wife is having an affair.
> If you're so sure, then why not just check to prove yourself right?


Might just do that. Doubt I'd find anything though.



Caribbean Man said:


> What's your sex life like?


Ok, could be better. I hold off on sex more than she does though, so if anything, she'd be the one complaining more than me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

" Man up " simply mean to confront her on her selfish behaviour, lay down the rules and STICK TO YOUR GUNS.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

She blamed you for _"making her work?" _ I don't mean to be disrespectful of your wife, OP, but which century does she think she's living in? 

A grown woman, without children, sitting at home all day playing on Facebook and hanging out with her friends? That's ridiculous, IMO, and I'd insist that she get herself a job and go out to work like other adults do. Even if you are a very wealthy man, your wife needs to find a more constructive way of spending her days. Voluntary work etc.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

tamii said:


> Thanks. Please elaborate on "man up". What should I do?


 Men's clubhouse. It is a sticky at the top. Lots of really good information.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html
P.S. - a lot "appears" to be all about sex, but it really is applicable to all interactions between husband & wife.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

tamii said:


> Thanks. Please elaborate on "man up". What should I do?


The link that another poster gave might help, OP. But remember this isn't about you not being manly, it's about women who take advantage of decent guys not being _womanly_!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

and yet another spoiled, entitiled princess.....sigh.......

What if you tell her no to the new house? Throw a temper tantrum?

No disrespect but you are her doormat. She can wipe her feet on you, throw you around, stomp on you & you reward her my giving her your hard-earned $$$ to waste on her freeloading family.

I guess you can go to counseling to learn how to stand up to her.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> and yet another spoiled, entitiled princess.....sigh.......
> 
> What if you tell her no to the new house? Throw a temper tantrum?
> 
> ...


So I guess I should just learn to say no more often and "man up" when she gets upset about it?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

tamii said:


> So I guess I should just learn to say no more often and "man up" when she gets upset about it?


Yup.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tamii said:


> So I guess I should just learn to say no more often and "man up" when she gets upset about it?


It takes much more than that.
Her attitude towards was learned over a number of years.
_*She feels entitled to do whatever she wants to you, and she is not going to give that us easily._

You have to fix you, find out why you are afraid, yes I said AFRAID to stand up to her.
My guess is that you want to look good in her eyes and her family's eyes also?
My guess is that you are hopelessly " in love " with her?

_*This is why I advised earlier that you check her online activity._


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

geez tamii,you're a freakin doormat..no kids at home,spends like a drunkin sailor,i know you just piece and quiet in your life without your wife harping at you,but damn man...my suggestion is take COMPLETE control of the fiances,no cc cards,get her a gas card if need be..and i would be doing some serious digging on why she's pushing so darn hard on a half million dollar house---not saing she's cheating...


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Well, at the end of the day, like the previous posters said, I just want to live in peace and don't want to have to put up with her temper tantrums.

Yes, I know that's very weak of me. I'll have to change that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tamii said:


> I would no longer have to put up with her tempers and constantly blaming me for her having to work.... We have other issues with our marriage.


What other issues,Tamii? In addition to the temper tantrums, sense of entitlement, always being "The Victim," and selfishness, what other behaviors are you seeing? Have the temper tantrums been fairly persistent (i.e., every couple of weeks) throughout the nine years whenever she did not get her way? Does she show any irrational jealousy or try to isolate you from friends or family members (a sign of a strong fear of abandonment)? Does she do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Uptown said:


> What other issues,Tamii? In addition to the temper tantrums, sense of entitlement, always being "The Victim," and selfishness, what other behaviors are you seeing? Have the temper tantrums been fairly persistent (i.e., every couple of weeks) throughout the nine years whenever she did not get her way? Does she show any irrational jealousy or try to isolate you from friends or family members (a sign of a strong fear of abandonment)? Does she do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"?


Professional Victim Syndrome?


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Uptown said:


> What other issues,Tamii? In addition to the temper tantrums, sense of entitlement, always being "The Victim," and selfishness, what other behaviors are you seeing?


I think you've covered most of them in this post.



Uptown said:


> Have the temper tantrums been fairly persistent (i.e., every couple of weeks) throughout the nine years whenever she did not get her way?


Yes. It's been an ongoing issue in our marriage i.e. her short temper.



Uptown said:


> Does she show any irrational jealousy or try to isolate you from friends or family members (a sign of a strong fear of abandonment)?


Hmmm, well maybe not my family members. She comes from a very tight knit family and wishes I was the same with mine, I think.

But she used to not like me going out with friends without her. To her credit, she's tried to change recently and has encouraged me to go out a bit more (after seeing me becoming increasingly isolated because of her disapproval).



Uptown said:


> Does she do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"?


More or less.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, if you don't take control of the finances, she'll bankrupt you one day. If she has so much money at her disposal that she's able to give hand outs to her family, her allowance is way too generous. You don't work to have your money given away like that, and it's ludicrous for her to expect you to allow it. There's a big difference between helping someone out when they're in trouble, but it sounds like you're not only supporting your W, but also members of her family.

I would certainly limit her access to money, and I'd INSIST that she find herself a job. Until she does, make it clear to her that you expect to come home to a clean and orderly house.

If she wants to throw a tantrum, let her know that you find her behaviour inappropriate, manipulative and unattractive and that you will remove yourself until she manages to behave like an adult.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tamii said:


> I think you've covered most of them in this post.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


tamii,
In your spare time,
You can go to this website:

Putting Women on Pedestals: Don't Do It | Shrink4Men

Hope it helps you recognize her behaviour, and how to deal with it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tamii said:


> I think you've covered most of them in this post. Yes. It's been an ongoing issue in our marriage i.e. her short temper.


Tamii, I was hoping for some detail on the other issues so as to know what other dysfunctional traits you are seeing. But we can try another approach. I suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If most of the traits described there ring a bell and sound very familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Tamii, I was hoping for some detail on the other issues so as to know what other dysfunctional traits you are seeing. But we can try another approach. I suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If most of the traits described there ring a bell and sound very familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources.


Yes, I had a feeling that's what you were getting at. To be honest, I've long suspected my wife suffers from BPD.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i can see it now--big half million dollar house,honey i can't keep this big house clean by myself,i need a housekeeper,and you know you work so much we need a gardner and guy to cut the grass and don't forget the pool guy either---oh give me your cc card i need another purse.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tamii said:


> I've long suspected my wife suffers from BPD.


In that case, Tamii, I offer several suggestions -- based on what worked for me when I was in your situation. 

*As an initial matter,* I recommend that you NOT tell her about your suspicions. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

*Second,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to see a psychologist who has never treated or seen your W. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder (for the BPDers' own protection).

*Third,* if you think you may stay with her a while, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling book targeted to abused spouses living with BPD sufferers. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_. Both books are written by the same author.

*Fourth,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the _"Leaving"_ board.

*Fifth,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

*Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Take care, Tamii.


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