# Lost on what to do



## hopelessinsuperior (Jun 13, 2013)

I am a 25 year old man with a good job a 2 year old son and a sometimes loving wife.

We have been together for going on 7 years married for 3. It seams that lately she is becoming more and more irresponsible.

I work long hours 5 days a week 8-12 hours a day with a 30 min commute. When I get home more often then not I find a empty house with no note saying where everyone is. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but shortly after I get home grandma (my mom) stops by and drops off our son. She then usually tells me that she stopped by around noon to grab him and my wife was still sound asleep in bed, and our son was still in his crib. Without being there to see it I used to chock this up to hear say and tell myself there is no way she would do this. Over time I started getting worried and I have tried talking to her about this. She says that she gets up with him in the mornings and grandma just seems to stop by just as he lays down for a nap. I have also talked to her mom who responded "that sounds like me with her older brothers" and starts laughing. From what I see on the weekends I am starting to believe this may actually be happening. On Saturday and Sunday no matter how much I try she will not wake up before 2pm.

Am I right in worrying about this or should I believe my wife?

As for my wife on the days that grandma drops off our son she will come home at 9pm-2am there has even been times as late as 8am smelling like alcohol and smoke. When I ask her where she has been she says "I was with (insert friends name here)" then gets defensive. I can't talk to her about this if I try she just storms out of the room and locks her self in the bedroom.

I just don't know what to do...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

So is she out partying and thats why she sleeps so late? Time for some boundaries and consequences. You need to tell her how you feel and how its effecting you. She needs to be aware her marriage is in trouble and on the verge of losing it. If she goes out like that again, with no note, etc, change the lock on the doors. That can be one consequence if she keeps doing what shes doing. Then go from there, might be time for an ultimatum, but only if you follow through with it.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Some harsh truths...

She sees you as paycheck and live-in nanny, not as a husband.

She is cheating on you. So, her mom picks up the kids around noon and then your wife disappears until 2 AM or even 8 AM? You have to know what this means...that's why you posted here in the first place.

Your marriage is in big trouble, what are YOU going to do about it?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Have her followed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she possibly suffering from depression or post-partum depression? Have a sleeping disorder?

Does she sleep in til 2 p.m. only on the days she is going out or all the time?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait. Why do you not go out with her on the weekends? Or do you? Is she breastfeeding? Because hello, alcohol is no good.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My first thought was, maybe she had some kind of sleeping disorder, or depression or possibly she was on some kind of medications. But you said she comes home in the morning hours sometimes smelling of smoke and alcohol. 

How long has this been going on? What time do you leave for work in the mornings? If she doesn't come in till 8am or later sometimes are you already gone to work? Who is there with the child? 

A lot of people will say if you have to follow her then things are already over, not always, but sometimes when in doubt, its ok to check things out. If you really want to know her whereabouts, then maybe you need to stay out of work one day or have her followed to see exactly what shes doing. I think you may know whats she doing, but if you need peace of mind then do it. It sounds like things have not been addressed and handled like they should and now is the time.


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## hopelessinsuperior (Jun 13, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Wait. Why do you not go out with her on the weekends? Or do you? Is she breastfeeding? Because hello, alcohol is no good.


We will go out to a bar on a Friday a couple times a month. On those days I can understand why she sleeps in. But this happens weather she is sober or not.

Breastfeeding = no 



trey69 said:


> How long has this been going on? What time do you leave for work in the mornings? If she doesn't come in till 8am or later sometimes are you already gone to work? Who is there with the child?


This has been going on for the last few months.

I usually leave for work at 6am. On the 2 occasions she was out untell 8am I ended up late for work.



CallaLily said:


> So is she out partying and thats why she sleeps so late? Time for some boundaries and consequences. You need to tell her how you feel and how its effecting you. She needs to be aware her marriage is in trouble and on the verge of losing it. If she goes out like that again, with no note, etc, change the lock on the doors. That can be one consequence if she keeps doing what shes doing. Then go from there, might be time for an ultimatum, but only if you follow through with it.


I have tried telling her how I feel about this. She tells me "your silly, I should be able to do what I want".

As for the ultimatum I have been thinking about that for the last few weeks. I just worried that if I do need to leave her that she will get our son. 

Tonight when I get home if she is there I will try again to sit down and have a mature conversation with her about this.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

hopelessinsuperior said:


> I am a 25 year old man with a good job a 2 year old son and a sometimes loving wife.
> 
> We have been together for going on 7 years married for 3.
> 
> ...


Your wife is childish, storming off like that. But what do you expect, you guys have been together since you were kids, and now you are trying to be the grown-up, and she still wants to be a teenager.

She's also a terrible parent. Anyone that leaves a child unattended that long every morning should be ashamed of themselves....that is neglect.

This is not normal. If she's not willing to change, try an intervention for her substance abuse issues. 

So she's a stay at home mom? What does she do all day? Ignores the kid till grandma picks kid up at noon, them goes out and parties till whenever she wants?

If you are letting this behavior happen even twice without blowing up about it, you need to get your chit together. Sit her down and talk boundaries and if she plays the baby, running and locking herself in her room, it's time to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

This is not normal parent or wife behavior. Don't put up with it, have consequences, don't rugs-weep these things she does, and set boundaries.

Think of your child, because she certainly isn't.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

hopelessinsuperior said:


> This has been going on for the last few months.
> 
> I usually leave for work at 6am. On the 2 occasions she was out untell 8am I ended up late for work.
> 
> ...


Shes dismissing your feelings by telling you that you're silly, and that she can do whatever she wants. Tell her if she can do whatever she wants you can to, then present her with separation papers. 

As far as your son goes, thats not a reason to not hand out a ultimatum if need be. People need consequences for their actions, period. And if one of those consequences is you leaving then thats what happens. You can always bring up in court or with your lawyer what you have told us here and its possible you may get more rights or more time with your son, shes not really watching him anyway, the grandma is. She's either out partying or sleeping.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are gone too much.... Your wife is living a life that is unmanaged by her husband.


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## x-ray (Jun 12, 2013)

Hicks said:


> You are gone too much.... Your wife is living a life that is unmanaged by her husband.


Can't stand those sons of b*tches that go out all day earning a living...........

Tell her your thinking about quitting your job and going on welfare so you can all spend lots of quality time together. - see her reaction


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## Nonfiction (May 23, 2013)

So your wife doesn't work and your mother picks up your son daily at noon until you are done working? why? isn't your wife supposed to be watching your son...doesn't matter. the real issue here is that your wife has no respect fo you or her son and you need to put your foot down.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

hopelessinsuperior said:


> We will go out to a bar on a Friday a couple times a month. On those days I can understand why she sleeps in. But this happens weather she is sober or not.
> 
> Breastfeeding = no
> 
> ...



Umm, no. She is a wife and a mother and doesn't get to do "what she wants", unless she wants to be single (again) and give custody up to you. If she has no job, and no intentions of taking care of the baby (has your Mom do it for no reason but to free up some "single time" for her, then you have a good chance of getting custody yourself.


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## hopelessinsuperior (Jun 13, 2013)

Well I came away from our conversation last night with a good feeling. I have also talked to grandma and asked her to hold off on seeing him for at least a week to see how my wife reacts when grandma doesn't show up randomly. I have also asked a couple friends to randomly stop by to see/talk to my wife (and let me know if she is actually neglecting our son).

I guess ill give this a week and see what happens.

Thanks everyone, time to hope for the best.


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