# Blown out of proportion



## GoSox1972 (Feb 5, 2019)

It’s kind of a long backstory, but a co-member of my gym owns a bakery. I’ve mentioned this to my husband because the cakes are to die for.

I rarely talk to this person at the gym. Many months ago, his bakery had a booth at a street festival where my H and I stopped and got some cake and I mentioned I liked a flavor they discontinued. A few weeks ago, I saw the guy at my gym and mentioned that cake flavor and he said they were coming out with it again and he’d bring in a cake for me to have when I watched the superbowl. I told my Husband this. Friday night at the gym, the guy gave me the cake and I brought it home. My Husband was livid, said this guy wanted to get in my pants and didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. Last night he said he was disgusted with me for accepting the cake , implied I cheated on him. I think he is being CRAZY. And think there is something going on he's not telling me about.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

What flavor?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GoSox1972 said:


> It’s kind of a long backstory, but a co-member of my gym owns a bakery. I’ve mentioned this to my husband because the cakes are to die for.
> 
> I rarely talk to this person at the gym. Many months ago, his bakery had a booth at a street festival where my H and I stopped and got some cake and I mentioned I liked a flavor they discontinued. A few weeks ago, I saw the guy at my gym and mentioned that cake flavor and he said they were coming out with it again and he’d bring in a cake for me to have when I watched the superbowl. I told my Husband this. Friday night at the gym, the guy gave me the cake and I brought it home. My Husband was livid, said this guy wanted to get in my pants and didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. Last night he said he was disgusted with me for accepting the cake , implied I cheated on him. I think he is being CRAZY. And think there is something going on he's not telling me about.


Wow. That's a over-the-top reaction, if ever I heard of one.

Is there something going on that you are unaware of?

Is your husband suspicious because he himself has something to hide?

It's not uncommon for cheaters to blow up and over react because their guilt makes them paranoid and they try to convince themselves that their loyal spouse is a cheater, too?

Could that be possible?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Maybe he was trying to get in your pants, but a free cake is a free cake. If the guy owns a bakery and they really did bring the flavor back I think your husband is way over reacting, the guy probably figures you'll let a bunch of people know and tell them how good it is etc. Marketing. But if you go there and they don't have the flavor then yah the guy was putting on a move and was out of line.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is disgraceful unforgivable behavior and shouldn’t be tolerated for an instant.
Bringing cake to a gym indeed!


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## GoSox1972 (Feb 5, 2019)

There has to be something else going on. He blew up at me a few weeks ago when I told him I rolled over my 401k from my old job to our financial planner. He got so mad I didn't combine it with his. Said I was thinking as a single person, no wonder our marriage sucks... Umm... I work in finance. It's called an IRA because the I is individual. There are laws about IRA's. I couldn't believe he blew up about that.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> This is disgraceful unforgivable behavior and shouldn’t be tolerated for an instant.
> Bringing cake to a gym indeed!


Because cake isn't the best choice of food, or because of the crumbs in your gym?

Don't you have staff for that? :laugh:


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

He probably has a crush on you, because he brought back that particular one just for you....


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I want to do things as a team with my wife. I know if I started moving 401ks etc without discussing it with her, she would be miffed.

I would think it was pretty odd if some guy at the gym was bringing my wife a cake. My wife is attractive, I would assume this guy had inappropriate intentions too.

Maybe you need to communicate more. To me it sounds like for some reason he is feeling slighted / excluded from something in the relationship.

Do you make a lot of unilateral decisions? It could also be him feeling bad about himself.... are you in better shape than he is? Is the cake guy in better shape than your husband?

I would discuss this with him and not be dismissive of his feelings....something is triggering the reaction.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Your husband is being a jerk. There are lots of jerks out there, and many of them are on the Internet lol. There was no reason for him to make such a scene. Normal men do not do this period


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GoSox1972 said:


> ... no wonder our marriage sucks... I couldn't believe he blew up about that.


I think ^^this^^ fairly sums it up. The issues in your marriage are about a lot more than a cake and 401(k), don't you agree?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GoSox1972 said:


> There has to be something else going on. He blew up at me a few weeks ago when I told him I rolled over my 401k from my old job to our financial planner. He got so mad I didn't combine it with his. Said I was thinking as a single person, no wonder our marriage sucks... Umm... I work in finance. It's called an IRA because the I is individual. There are laws about IRA's. I couldn't believe he blew up about that.


Does your marriage suck?

If so, why?

And who else has he told that his marriage sucks?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: Blown our of proportion*



GoSox1972 said:


> I rarely talk to this person at the gym. Many months ago, his bakery had a booth at a street festival where my H and I stopped and got some cake and I mentioned I liked a flavor they discontinued. A few weeks ago, I saw the guy at my gym and mentioned that cake flavor and he said they were coming out with it again and he’d bring in a cake for me to have when I watched the superbowl.


Based on this interaction, I think the bakery guy may have ulterior motives. If you rarely talk to him, I think it's odd he would bring you a cake. I could see if you were friends or chatted often, but it seems overly generous of him to give a relative stranger a free cake. If it was instead a guy who mentioned the cake flavor, I don't think the baker would bring him the cake. That doesn't mean your husband's over the top reaction was warranted, but the baker may have more than business good will on his mind.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

GoSox1972 said:


> It’s kind of a long backstory, but a co-member of my gym owns a bakery. I’ve mentioned this to my husband because the cakes are to die for.
> 
> I rarely talk to this person at the gym. Many months ago, his bakery had a booth at a street festival where my H and I stopped and got some cake and I mentioned I liked a flavor they discontinued. A few weeks ago, I saw the guy at my gym and mentioned that cake flavor and he said they were coming out with it again and he’d bring in a cake for me to have when I watched the superbowl. I told my Husband this. Friday night at the gym, the guy gave me the cake and I brought it home. My Husband was livid, said this guy wanted to get in my pants and didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. Last night he said he was disgusted with me for accepting the cake , implied I cheated on him. I think he is being CRAZY. And think there is something going on he's not telling me about.


I think your husband is over-reacting, but that doesn't mean he's wrong. Chris Rock once said something about men being friendly to women. Basically, if a man is being nice to you, he's offering his, ahem, services.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Personally, I think the baker guy at the gym was flattered by you mentioning the flavor, and as a small business owner saw an opportunity for potential marketing and a returning customer. Now if after this, he’s suddenly overly attentive or flirty, then that would reveal a hidden motive. I feel like your husband’s reaction was over the top. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband would probably say something like, 'That was really kind of him wasn't it. Can I have a piece?'

Is your husband always jealous? Or is it a recent thing? I am presuming that you haven't got involved with a man before?

Oh and BTW, to those here who said they have, not all men have ulterior motives. Some are actually kind.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Oh and BTW, to those here who said they have, not all men have ulterior motives. Some are actually kind.


If some random dude at the gym had said "I really like your discontinued cake", I can guarantee you that the bakery owner wouldn't have shown up the next day with a fresh one. This is one of those times having a vagina lands you a windfall.

Men bake cakes for Princess Fiona's of the world. Almost never, do they bake them for donkeys.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Personally, I think the baker guy at the gym was flattered by you mentioning the flavor, and as a small business owner saw an opportunity for potential marketing and a returning customer. Now if after this, he’s suddenly overly attentive or flirty, then that would reveal a hidden motive. I feel like your husband’s reaction was over the top.


:iagree: What she said!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband accused you of cheating before?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We need the details on "marriage sucks" to be able to determine the reason for his over reaction. 

It's not the cake .... it's that someone of the opposite sex did something for you which "triggers" something related to the "suck" marriage.

It's a symptom, not a cause.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> Because cake isn't the best choice of food, or because of the crumbs in your gym?
> 
> Don't you have staff for that? :laugh:


There is some posters on the wall in my gym beside the treadmills explaining the amount of walking or running required to burn off various foods.They calculate weight,speed of walking or running etc.
When someone who is trying to lose weight realizes that it will take them ninety minutes, walking at three and a half miles an hour just to burn off that Krispy Kreme filled doughnut it soon loses its appeal lol.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why don't you ask him outright what exactly his problem is?

Sometimes these things must be confronted and called out. If his feelings are hurt, then he should be a big enough man to own up to it. If there is something else going on then you should have eyes wide open, mouth shut.

When it comes to finances, ordinarily they should be discussed with each other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If I bring cake to a woman, I want to get in her pants... :laugh:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BioFury said:


> If some random dude at the gym had said "I really like your discontinued cake", I can guarantee you that the bakery owner wouldn't have shown up the next day with a fresh one. This is one of those times having a vagina lands you a windfall.
> 
> Men bake cakes for Princess Fiona's of the world. Almost never, do they bake them for donkeys.


Actually i know a baker just like that. He loves serving women and doing them little favours.

He is also 100% gay and operates the bakery with his husband.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> If I bring cake to a woman, I want to get in her pants... :laugh:


Because you want the cake and "eat it" too .....:surprise:


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

aine said:


> Why don't you ask him outright what exactly his problem is?
> 
> Sometimes these things must be confronted and called out. If his feelings are hurt, then he should be a big enough man to own up to it. If there is something else going on then you should have eyes wide open, mouth shut.
> 
> When it comes to finances, ordinarily they should be discussed with each other.


Hear, hear. I think it's time you and your husband sat down and had a serious talk.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Because you want the cake and "eat it" too .....:surprise:


now, now, Mr. Married! :laugh:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GoSox1972 said:


> It’s kind of a long backstory, but a co-member of my gym owns a bakery. I’ve mentioned this to my husband because the cakes are to die for.
> 
> I rarely talk to this person at the gym. Many months ago, his bakery had a booth at a street festival where my H and I stopped and got some cake and I mentioned I liked a flavor they discontinued. A few weeks ago, I saw the guy at my gym and mentioned that cake flavor and he said they were coming out with it again and he’d bring in a cake for me to have when I watched the superbowl. I told my Husband this. Friday night at the gym, the guy gave me the cake and I brought it home. My Husband was livid, said this guy wanted to get in my pants and didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. Last night he said he was disgusted with me for accepting the cake , implied I cheated on him. I think he is being CRAZY. And think there is something going on he's not telling me about.


Well, I'm sorry to hear you married an immature, emotionally-stunted, maladjusted, insecure* man-child* who acted like a 9 year old having his little temper tantrum.

Do NOT apologize to the child. You did nothing wrong whatsoever. Don't reward his **** behavior by pandering to him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, I'm guessing he didn't want any of the cake. What if it had been his favorite flavor?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Oh and BTW, to those here who said they have, not all men have ulterior motives. Some are actually kind.





3Xnocharm said:


> Personally, I think the baker guy at the gym was flattered by you mentioning the flavor, and as a small business owner saw an opportunity for potential marketing and a returning customer.


Women are saying the baker was just being kind. Men are saying he had ulterior motives (or was gay). Hmmm.... who to believe....


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

wilson said:


> Women are saying the baker was just being kind. Men are saying he had ulterior motives (or was gay). Hmmm.... who to believe....


Ha. Women frequently think men are being "kind" or "friendly".

How little they know.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> My husband would probably say something like, 'That was really kind of him wasn't it. Can I have a piece?'
> 
> Is your husband always jealous? Or is it a recent thing? I am presuming that you haven't got involved with a man before?
> 
> Oh and BTW, to those here who said they have, not all men have ulterior motives. Some are actually kind.


So basically your husband is healthy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> So basically your husband is healthy.


But being British he'd ask for a cuppa, as well!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Blown our of proportion*



wilson said:


> Based on this interaction, I think the bakery guy may have ulterior motives. If you rarely talk to him, I think it's odd he would bring you a cake. I could see if you were friends or chatted often, but it seems overly generous of him to give a relative stranger a free cake. If it was instead a guy who mentioned the cake flavor, I don't think the baker would bring him the cake. That doesn't mean your husband's over the top reaction was warranted, but the baker may have more than business good will on his mind.


Maybe he is trying to grow his business? Didn't SHE approach HIM at the gym to tell him about the flavor?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has your husband always been jealous?


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## GoSox1972 (Feb 5, 2019)

No, he hasn't been jealous. But this is the crazy thing - whenever my team is playing in a championship, he finds the craziest thing to get angry with me about. A few years ago at a superbowl party he was talking smack about my team. I had finished drinking water from a bottle and tossed like 8 drops on him. When we got home, he flew into a fit of rage, said I embarrassed him in front of our friends and I needed to apologize to them. I was completely shocked. So I called our friends the next day and apologized and ALL of them had no idea what I was talking about. They said they thought I was having a good time and happy that my team won the superbowl.

But he's always had some health issue which is probably some of his issues. He is recovering form shoulder surgery going on 10 months now, needs to have his other shoulder done. It's hard being someone who is chronically hurt.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is there anything he has been bringing up in repeated arguments? How is intimacy between you two? Is *he* happy with the level of intimacy? Reading between the lines, I get the feeling he is feeling unsatisfied with something in the relationship and resents that some important need isn't being met. He may be getting so angry at these other minor issues because he's thinking "She won't meet my major need. Why can't she at least meet these minor ones?"

The cake and the water are two examples of disrespect. With the cake, he's rightly worried that the guy is hitting on you. Maybe he isn't, but it looks like he is. If he gave you flowers, it would be clearer. And the water, although an accident, could be seen as uncaring since you weren't more careful. I agree that he's overreacting, but it could be because something is simmering inside him. I'm sure we all can relate to that. When we're feeling very stressed or frustrated, we may lash out at a seemingly trivial frustration in a totally inappropriate way.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Blown out of proportion? Sounds like it. But your husband is right about one thing. Beware the gym guy bearing gifts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

stro said:


> Blown out of proportion? Sounds like it. But your husband is right about one thing. Beware the gym guy bearing gifts.


And especially be wary of the spouse who flies into unprovoked rages too.

He is in pain. And? No. You are making excuses for him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

GoSox1972 said:


> No, he hasn't been jealous. But this is the crazy thing - whenever my team is playing in a championship, he finds the craziest thing to get angry with me about. A few years ago at a superbowl party he was talking smack about my team. I had finished drinking water from a bottle and tossed like 8 drops on him. When we got home, he flew into a fit of rage, said I embarrassed him in front of our friends and I needed to apologize to them. I was completely shocked. So I called our friends the next day and apologized and ALL of them had no idea what I was talking about. They said they thought I was having a good time and happy that my team won the superbowl.
> 
> But he's always had some health issue which is probably some of his issues. He is recovering form shoulder surgery going on 10 months now, needs to have his other shoulder done. It's hard being someone who is chronically hurt.


Could he be addicted to pain medication. That can make someone very aggressive and angry.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

wilson said:


> Is there anything he has been bringing up in repeated arguments? How is intimacy between you two? Is *he* happy with the level of intimacy? Reading between the lines, I get the feeling he is feeling unsatisfied with something in the relationship and resents that some important need isn't being met. He may be getting so angry at these other minor issues because he's thinking "She won't meet my major need. Why can't she at least meet these minor ones?"
> 
> The cake and the water are two examples of disrespect. With the cake, he's rightly worried that the guy is hitting on you. Maybe he isn't, but it looks like he is. If he gave you flowers, it would be clearer. And the water, although an accident, could be seen as uncaring since you weren't more careful. I agree that he's overreacting, but it could be because something is simmering inside him. I'm sure we all can relate to that. When we're feeling very stressed or frustrated, we may lash out at a seemingly trivial frustration in a totally inappropriate way.


This is ridiculous, I'm sorry. HE is being ugly at the party, and her 8 drops of water is "disrespect"?

No...not buying


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

GoSox, please look at this list and tell me how many of them apply to your husband over the years:

- Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here.
- Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment.
- Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.
- Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.
- Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
- Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
- Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
- “Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish.
- Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.
- Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish.
- Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success.
- Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them.
- Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.
- Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.”
- Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.
- Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.
- Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.
- Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.
- Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
- Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.
- Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are.
- Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.
- Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.
- Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.
- They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.
- Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.
- Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.
- Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.
- Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.
- Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
- Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.
- Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.
- Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.
- Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.
- Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.
- Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.
- Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.
- Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.
- Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
- Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.
- Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.
- Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions.
- Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.
- Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.
- Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics.
- Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.
- Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them.
- Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.
- Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.


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## GoSox1972 (Feb 5, 2019)

I'd say about a dozen do not apply, the rest do. :-(


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...~34 out of 46 things. Then that explains everything. Please do some reading about emotional abuse. Those of us who have been or are victims of it have over the years justified, twisted into a pretzel, blamed ourselves...done anything but shine a light on the real problem - an abusive husband. 

Gently: You have been awakened today, as so many have before you. Your duty now is to address it, by learning everything you can (there are shelves and shelves of books on emotional abuse in the library), getting yourself to a therapist and attending regularly to re-program your mind to recognize what is being done to you, and to create a plan. 

I don't know your husband. Odds are good he's not a bad person or evil, he just does these things out of low self esteem and learned behaviors from childhood, and simply doesn't know any better. My H is like that. He's caring, honest, good...but inherently dysfunctional and broken and effects these things on ME because I'm the safe one to do it to (odds are good your H isn't this way with any other person but you). 

But therapy has helped me find ways to CHANGE the situation and, because my H loves me, he has accepted my changes and he has learned to grow and adapt and become a less abusive person. 

But none of it would have happened without ME getting help first and demanding my rights.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. Please do it with the help of a professional therapist (hopefully a psychologist, not just a licensed therapist). Tell your story, ask for help creating a safer world for yourself.

And we'll be here to help you.

btw, here's that article it came from: https://bit.ly/2GsQMcq


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, from that same article, this is what my IC and I are currently working on: my codependency (typical in such situations):

You might be codependent if you:

-are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives
-consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs
-ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner
-frequently seek out your partner’s approval
-critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts
-make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated
-would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone
-bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace
-feel responsible and take the blame for something they did
-defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening
-try to “rescue” them from themselves
-feel guilty when you stand up for yourself
-think you deserve this treatment
-believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you
-change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Later this summer.....In a new thread.
I had an affair with a guy at the gym who made me a cake.
What do I do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> So basically your husband is healthy.


Yes he is. Also he hasn't got a jealous bone in his body and trusts me 100%,and that's despite his first wife cheating on him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But being British he'd ask for a cuppa, as well!


Actually Matt he is Australian.:laugh: Mind you he has lived here for 30 years now so is more British that Aussie now.So yes he would like a cup of tea with his cake.:smile2:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> If I bring cake to a woman, I want to get in her pants... :laugh:


My go to is sausage.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

A clear case of toxic masculinity.......its no wonder I hate white men!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> Later this summer.....In a new thread.
> I had an affair with a guy at the gym who made me a cake.
> What do I do?


When you cheat, later this year, @StillSearching, you can refer your spouse to TAM.

We'll look after them.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mattmatt said:


> when you cheat, later this year, @stillsearching, you can refer your spouse to tam.
> 
> We'll look after them.


got me! LOL....He was a hottie!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> got me! LOL....He was a hottie!


Like hot cakes, huh?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Some notes on the theme.
Bakeries and gyms don't go together. Walking to the grocery to buy a donut is a net loss. My Doc has me take cinnamon to help control blood sugar, but he says if I buy it at the bakery it won't work.
Turnera posted a couple of helpful lists on page 3. I scored better than I thought. 15/46 on the emotionally abusive spouse. And 5 /15 on the Co-dependent.
When ever I see the thread title I think, "If I ever get blown out of all proportion , I'll be sure to brag about it here."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Some notes on the theme.
> Bakeries and gyms don't go together. Walking to the grocery to buy a donut is a net loss. My Doc has me take cinnamon to help control blood sugar, but he says if I buy it at the bakery it won't work.
> Turnera posted a couple of helpful lists on page 3. I scored better than I thought. 15/46 on the emotionally abusive spouse. And 5 /15 on the Co-dependent.
> When ever I see the thread title I think, "If I ever get blown out of all proportion , I'll be sure to brag about it here."


My husband is a partner in 3 businesses. All have great potential. None are big moneymakers. He also has a 25-year award-winning career in a major corporation as a salesperson. I learned a lot from him.

The secret to his success? He never turns down an opportunity to make a sale, to grow his business, to convince a skeptical person that he's a benefit to them -so they want to do business with him. 

If I owned a bakery and someone approached me in my gym to say they missed my XYZ cake, you can BET I'm going to take the extra mile to get them one of those cakes. Because I want my business to thrive.

And fwiw, if you read my posts, I'm one of the first people to warn others that men are horndogs. But from what I've read so far, the only thing to hang on this gym buddy is that - once approached by OP - he brought her a cake from his company. Unless I'm mistaken, he didn't pursue her. He didn't follow up. He just gave her a cake and, probably, hoped it would reflect well on his business that he wants to grow.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm afraid that cake is going to cost way more than an extra mile, but yes samples and friends and word of mouth, all good business.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> If I owned a bakery and someone approached me in my gym to say they missed my XYZ cake, you can BET I'm going to take the extra mile to get them one of those cakes. Because I want my business to thrive.


I think things are different for women and men. I totally believe a woman would give a guy a cake with no ulterior motives. But that is not nearly as likely when a guy does it. I feel like you're putting yourself into the baker's shoes to understand his motivations rather than thinking about what a typical guy would be thinking.

I think him giving her *a whole cake* of a *discontinued flavor* that he *brought to the gym* is too big of gesture for a impersonal giveaway considering the level of their relationship. She is just a random person at the gym. Are we to believe he'd give away a cake to everyone who mentioned it? If there were no ulterior motives, I would expect his response to be "We've been getting a lot of requests for that flavor and it'll be back next week. Come in and you can get a 2-for-1 special on a slice." A whole cake must sell for $20-$30. That's a pretty big giveaway. I'll admit there's a chance he's just a generous person and gives away cakes. But it's hard to see how he'd stay in business with giveaways like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wilson said:


> I think things are different for women and men. I totally believe a woman would give a guy a cake with no ulterior motives. But that is not nearly as likely when a guy does it. I feel like you're putting yourself into the baker's shoes to understand his motivations rather than thinking about what a typical guy would be thinking.
> 
> I think him giving her *a whole cake* of a *discontinued flavor* that he *brought to the gym* is too big of gesture for a impersonal giveaway considering the level of their relationship. She is just a random person at the gym. Are we to believe he'd give away a cake to everyone who mentioned it? If there were no ulterior motives, I would expect his response to be "We've been getting a lot of requests for that flavor and it'll be back next week. Come in and you can get a 2-for-1 special on a slice." A whole cake must sell for $20-$30. That's a pretty big giveaway. I'll admit there's a chance he's just a generous person and gives away cakes. But it's hard to see how he'd stay in business with giveaways like that.


I disagree. 

It's my husband who goes overboard to sell his company and give potential customers the extra mile. I'm the one telling him to step back and stop being so generous. 

Nice try, though.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The guy brought in the cake for her to have for the Super Bowl. He may have thought she would be having guests who would be sampling the cake (potential customers).

Obviously, her husband thinks she'll drop her panties for a cake. What a sweetheart. I imagine a few fellas on here are googling bakeries in their area. 

This goes to prove that no good deed goes unpunished.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wilson said:


> I think things are different for women and men. I totally believe a woman would give a guy a cake with no ulterior motives. But that is not nearly as likely when a guy does it. I feel like you're putting yourself into the baker's shoes to understand his motivations rather than thinking about what a typical guy would be thinking.
> 
> I think him giving her *a whole cake* of a *discontinued flavor* that he *brought to the gym* is too big of gesture for a impersonal giveaway considering the level of their relationship. She is just a random person at the gym. Are we to believe he'd give away a cake to everyone who mentioned it? If there were no ulterior motives, I would expect his response to be "We've been getting a lot of requests for that flavor and it'll be back next week. Come in and you can get a 2-for-1 special on a slice." A whole cake must sell for $20-$30. That's a pretty big giveaway. I'll admit there's a chance he's just a generous person and gives away cakes. But it's hard to see how he'd stay in business with giveaways like that.


It depends on several factors.

Including how big the cakes are. Which means the price might be less than you might otherwise anticipate.

Is he known for this type of gesture?

You do realise that he could probably put the total cost of the cake (not the cost price, but the retail price) that he donated as a legitimate marketing expense?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GoSox1972 said:


> I'd say about a dozen do not apply, the rest do. :-(


There you have it. Thanks to @turnera, your H is an abuser (big time one). I suggest you get into counselling and he needs to as well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do we know the flavor yet?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> btw, from that same article, this is what my IC and I are currently working on: my codependency (typical in such situations):
> 
> You might be codependent if you:
> 
> ...


This is great stuff from @turnera here and to add:
If you have been a child of emotional neglect yourself (CEN) it is likely that you bend over backwards to ensure his needs are being met instead of your own. If you are the outgoing one, he is leaching on your vitality and slowly sucking you dry. Get into counselling asap.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Could he be addicted to pain medication. That can make someone very aggressive and angry.


Is he Diabetic? Untreated Type 2 Diabetics can be prone to rages brought on by diagnosed dangerous high levels of sugar in the blood.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aine said:


> This is great stuff from @turnera here and to add:
> If you have been a child of emotional neglect yourself (CEN) it is likely that you bend over backwards to ensure his needs are being met instead of your own. If you are the outgoing one, he is leaching on your vitality and slowly sucking you dry. Get into counselling asap.


Exactly what my IC told me. I grew up with emotional neglect, thus never learned that MY needs were valid.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> So, I'm guessing he didn't want any of the cake. What if it had been his favorite flavor?


 Then he would have been a Pimp.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would check on him. Overreaction and accusations of cheating sometimes is how people who are actually cheating treat their spouse. I know this first hand. Hope I’m wrong but if this is out of nowhere I would snoop a bit to rule that out.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Do we know the flavor yet?


Sadly, the importance of this is being downplayed.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Look, the Super Bowl was boring, so in order to experience some entertainment, the solution obviously was to pick a fight over a cake. The rest of us are just jealous that we didn’t have this option.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

wilson said:


> I think things are different for women and men. I totally believe a woman would give a guy a cake with no ulterior motives. But that is not nearly as likely when a guy does it. I feel like you're putting yourself into the baker's shoes to understand his motivations rather than thinking about what a typical guy would be thinking.
> 
> I think him giving her *a whole cake* of a *discontinued flavor* that he *brought to the gym* is too big of gesture for a impersonal giveaway considering the level of their relationship. She is just a random person at the gym. Are we to believe he'd give away a cake to everyone who mentioned it? If there were no ulterior motives, I would expect his response to be "We've been getting a lot of requests for that flavor and it'll be back next week. Come in and you can get a 2-for-1 special on a slice." A whole cake must sell for $20-$30. That's a pretty big giveaway. I'll admit there's a chance he's just a generous person and gives away cakes. But it's hard to see how he'd stay in business with giveaways like that.


He stays in business with giveaways like that because his cost to make the cake is so much lower than the sales price. I'll polish your ruby slippers if he spent more than $2 to make that cake.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> A clear case of toxic masculinity.......its no wonder I hate white men!


Why do you hate white men?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

An older man at church once gave me a jar of honey that his bees had made. Did he have an ulterior motive? Of course not. 
I am sorry that so many here have such a low impression of men. There are many good decent man around who do nice things for no reason. I know many. Maybe some men here assume that all men think as they do, which doesn't say much for what they are like.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mind you, unless I read it wrong, SHE approached HIM about the cake, so it wasn't like he'd been hitting on her. To me, that's what tells me not to assume he wanted to get in her pants. Now, if he starts talking to her at the gym, I'd tell her to stay away from him. But for a one time gesture? No.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't go to the gym to find sex partners. I don't give cake or honey to find sex partners. That actually has nothing to do with this topic as I don't find sex partners. . . .
I'm not sure why I started this post. . . .


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would check on him. Overreaction and accusations of cheating sometimes is how people who are actually cheating treat their spouse. I know this first hand. Hope I’m wrong but if this is out of nowhere I would snoop a bit to rule that out.


Exactly. I asked my husband how he would react to this. He is the epitome of "alpha male" in the ways that alpha males admire, so I ask him quite a bit about things I read on TAM. Here is what he said:

"I'd probably eat the cake lol. I'd also tell you that he might have some intention in mind besides marketing his cakes and that you should keep your eye out and steer clear. Not because I;d be mad, but because I'm a guy, and I know he was probably trying to get a foot in the door. But I wouldn't get mad at you."

I asked him if he would install a recorder in my care, hire a PI, or schedule a polygraph, and he just laughed. We don't have any kids to DNA test, though that is also something we joke about too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And that is what a HEALTHY response looks like. OP's husband did not do that. That's his insecurity talking. And 99% of emotional abusers are because of their insecurity. BTDT


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Why do you hate white men?


lol, I don't, was being sarcastic.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> This is disgraceful unforgivable behavior and shouldn’t be tolerated for an instant.
> Bringing cake to a gym indeed!


I know, right? My first thought is "don't people who work out know better than to own bakeries?!!!"


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> A clear case of toxic masculinity.......its no wonder I hate white men!


LOL, but, how do you know he's white?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> But from what I've read so far, the only thing to hang on this gym buddy is that - once approached by OP - he brought her a cake from his company. Unless I'm mistaken, he didn't pursue her. He didn't follow up. He just gave her a cake and, probably, hoped it would reflect well on his business that he wants to grow.


Also, while she says she didn't talk with him much at the gym, she mentioned she knew he had a bakery and she saw him some place (I forget where) so obviously they knew each other casually. 

She wasn't a completely random person mentioning his cakes to him. It's also weird that she told her husband every step of the way "I said this. He said that." and her Husband didn't object. Then she comes home with a cake and it's like end of the world.

I once left a leather briefcase over an hour from where I lived and some guy found it and called me because it had my number in it. Luckily he lived in my city and he offered to bring it to a location he drove by every day on his way home so I could pick it up. I didn't sense he was hitting on me because 1) he'd never seen me and 2) he also offered to mail it. I didn't want him out the postage so I met him. And we had hot sexy sex in his car!!! JUST KIDDING. Don't know why I thought that was funny. It's really late here. ANYHOW - I made a batch of brownies and gave them to him when I got my brief case, to thank him. I didn't think anything of it, just wanted to thank a stranger for going out of his way to save me $70 on a new brief case.


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