# Afraid to tell him



## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Hi - I posted on here a few weeks ago. In summary, married 34 years. I'm not happy and I've fallen out of love. I don't feel like we have much in common, but the biggest thing is I'm not attracted to him anymore. We don't have much of a sex life, and I'm ok with that because I'm just not interested. He just turned 60 and I will this summer. I feel like he is getting older faster than I am. I'm very bored. He spends most of his time in front of the TV. His hours at work have changed a lot and now he's home most of the time I am. I don't get much alone time. Ten years ago we lost a child to suicide. He started drinking a lot and was verbally abusive. I was afraid of him. His anger pushed me away and I started having an affair. That lasted for 6 years. It ended 2 years ago. I tried to pretend like I was happy and be grateful for what I have. Well, the bf & I just rekindled our relationship. I still love him and he told me he loves me and always did. I know I need to ask for a divorce but I'm afraid. My H used to have a very bad temper. He has been physically abusive in the past, but not for many years. He has a lot of guns, which makes me nervous. We have grown children (2 married and another getting married soon), and several grandchildren. When I ended the relationship with the bf 2 years ago, I think I did it to stay with the H for the sake of the kids and grandkids. But I am just not happy. I feel like there is so much more to life than sitting around watching TV with him. Sorry if this sounds rambling. I just need some advice and a listening ear.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

First of all deepest sympathy for the loss of your son.
I'm not going to give you the lecture on cheating. You know what you are doing is wrong.
You are obviously very unhappy and questioning everything.
Do you think you are in love with the OM? If you left your H would you be together?
I think it's time you put your big girls pants on and stopped this once and for all.
You need to tell you H how unhappy you are. He is obviously as miserable as you are. Maybe even depressed! 
You need to stop cheating on your H, tell him and try to fix it (if he wants to), and if it can't be fixed you need to let him go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Thank you for your condolences. Yes, I am very much in love with the OM. I couldn't get him out of my mind the last two years. Yes, I think we would be together, but that is complicated too. He is married too. When we started seeing each other again he said he thinks we both married the wrong people. I don't want to leave my H just to be with the OM. You suggest telling him but that is what I am afraid of. This is my second affair. I had a fling with another man 20+ years ago. It was short-lived because I felt so guilty. I went to a counselor who suggested I tell him. At first he was upset, wanted a divorce and then wanted to work it out. He asked a lot of questions about who it was etc. Then he went through an anger phase and that is when the physical abuse took place. It took years before he stopped bringing it up. Thus, I hesitate to tell him again. I know I need to stop cheating. I used to judge people who behaved the way I am. It is hard because I love the OM. I don't like the fact that I am behaving outside of the morals and standards I once held.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

ConfusedChloe, I'm not going to even get into any extra-marital activities. If he is or has been physically abusive and/or verbally abusive, that is enough reason alone for you to leave. No one deserves to be subjected to abuse or to live in fear. You have to decide if you want to attempt to save your marriage. If you don't, don't pretend. Pull the plug. At this point, staying in it for the kids is just silly. They're grown. You need to determine what is best for YOU. If the OM isn't available to you, would you leave, anyway... for YOU? That is what you need to think about.

Best of luck,
Mattsmom


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## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

I agree 100% with Mattsmom. Couldnt have put it better myself! I am very sorry for the loss of your son too.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Thank you for your responses and your condolences. I appreciate your advice.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

This forum has been very good for me for a couple of reasons. First, I have gotten some good advice. Second, it has made me look at some issues that I have been avoiding. Seeing it in black and white, and also reading some of the posts by other people have really helped me see things in a different light.

Maybe the problem isn't my husband. Maybe it's me. I think that I have been satisfied with my marriage/husband until something better comes along, or some other man pays more attention to me. I have dabbled in other relationships for a while and then something happens that ended it, and then I decided to be grateful for what I have. I do have a husband who really loves me. Even though we are living in a pretty much sexless marriage right now, I know he loves me and would never leave me. The last time we had sex (a couple months ago), it was very painful and that even made me not want to do it anymore. I have put off going to the doctor to see what can be done because of lack of physical attraction. I know we are getting older and don't have the same physical characteristics that we had when we first met, which made us attracted to one another. I guess I should try putting in more effort to do things that make him feel special instead of constantly thinking about me. I have been very selfish. I've been reading some posts on here about sexual addiction. I don't think I am one, but maybe there is some other addiction I do have. Like the excitement I get when the bf pays attention to me and tells me how much he wants me and loves me. Or just the pure excitement of doing something I shouldn't be doing. I think I need to take the advice of one of the first people that replied to my first post, which was - it's time to put my big girl pants on. (I can't remember the rest, but I get the drift.). Thanks for listening.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

So you are looking to have an exit affair because you love your husband but are not in love with him. 

You cheated on him for 6 years. Never revealed to it him. And now you're going to tell him you want a divorce because you're not happy. Of course you won't tell him that another man is waiting for you the moment the ink is dry, the same man you slept with for 6 years.

And you just can't wait...the excitement is just so intoxicating.

You see what I'm getting at?

As bad as your husband may have been, what you did was just as bad if not worse.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Preraphaelite - I understand your disgust with my behavior, but I don't think you saw in my message that I AM putting the blame on myself and wondering if there is something much deeper I need to deal with in myself. I'm not just looking for an "exit affair" or some excitement. I think you missed my point. I am not proud of this behavior and if I didn't want to change I wouldn't be posting here.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

ConfusedChloe: I understand that you are ashamed of yourself for your behavior. This is not uncommon. Unless the cheating spouse is heartless (which a surprising number of them do become), there's going to be guilt.

But did that prevent you from rekindling your relationship with the OM? No. You're still in a fog, and as long as you are, no amount of guilt feelings is going to change what you do. 

I understand your frustration with your husband-turned-couch-potato and your fear of his guns. But my dear, rather than facing up to the terrible state of your marriage, you found an escape in an affair that lasted 6 year. That's 6 years in which you satisfied your sexual and emotional needs with someone else. And now 2 years later you're at it again. That comes as no surprise because you never faced the situation head-on. You delayed, you escaped, you took the easy way out. And you became accustomed to it. You always felt guilty, but did that ever stop you from having your 2 affairs and now the continuation?

If there is one thing I am faulting you for (and I'm not here to punish you), it's this: if instead of escaping in to an affair and living off the "high" as a way of dealing with your dysfunctional marriage, if you had dealt with your husband face-to-face and told him to be a better husband or you are walking out, just maybe it would have worked. At the very least, a divorce might have forced your husband to own up to his shortcomings, to pick himself up and make himself a better man for someone else. Maybe he would have sunken even deeper, but maybe he wouldn't have. 

Yes, we are all responsible for our actions in the end, but our actions do affect others, and what you've done basically is to perpetuate this dysfunctional marriage. 

If you really love this other man then simply be honest. Divorce your husband and be done with it. Don't try to play the martyr. 

If you have any real love for your husband and respect for him, then tell him about the affair.

If protecting the OM matters more to you, then don't tell your husband anything, just tell him you want a divorce and hand him the papers.

Accept that you are going to have to take responsibility for what you've done all these years. If you don't have much respect for your husband, then it's easy. If you do, you'll have to pull yourself out of your fog and face an unpleasant reality. Either way, time to put on your big girl pants.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Chloe, I am very sorry to read what you've gone through. I am also very sorry for the loss of your child. However, I doubt you're going to like my opinion very much 

You have been living a lie, on several levels, for many years, and you've been deluding yourself about what makes you happy. Even just in this thread, it doesn't sound to me like you have a clue what makes you happy or what you want. First your husband is a horrible person and you HAVE to leave and be with the love of your life (*gag* - sorry), then you've been selfish (no argument there) and really do want to stay with your husband. You have serially cheated on your husband for what sounds like a good part of your marriage. You have allowed him to believe that things are fine by never telling him the truth. You, my dear, need a kick in the hiney.

You say you blame yourself? Uh-uh. That's a lie. Read what you wrote - it's full of *I* statements. It's all about you, true, but it's also full of contradictions and feeling sorry for yourself. You do admit you've been selfish, and that's a good start. But it doesn't sound to me like you really take that to heart.

My advice would be to first of all get tested for STD's. Next, tell your husband the truth about your philandering. And then get yourself into some heavy duty counseling. You might also want to consider joining a 12 step group for love addicts - there are different ones

Welcome | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Love Addicts Anonymous

There are also sex addict 12 step groups although I think you're onto something when you talk about being addicted to SOMEthing, not necessarily sex though.

I really hope you can turn yourself around and start enjoying life, and that your husband can as well.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

It's been a few days since I've posted on here and not much has changed. I appreciate the advice, but one thing I cannot do and will not do is tell him (my H) about the affair. I think he probably knows in his heart anyway because it's obvious that I have been acting different lately; withdrawn, etc. I haven't made up my mind what to do yet. I know what I want to do, but the timing just isn't right. There is too much going on with a wedding coming up, a vacation that is already paid for and a lot of financial things that would have to be in place first. So, I am going to cool it with the bf. He has taken up too much of my thought life as it is and I know that if it wasn't for him in the picture I would be treating my H a lot different. I'm not looking for anyone to judge me right now. I'm doing a good enough job of that myself. I'm posting here because it really helps putting this in black and white for me to see. Makes things a lot more clear. Thanks.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Before you move forward with any relationship, it's always best to be divorced. Don't rekindle any relationship until the current one is legally over. Unless you change your mind and decided to make amends with your current husband to repair your marriage. Having a successful marriage takes constant effort between both parties and constant communication.

I don't ever believe there's ever an excuse or justification that can ever make an affair okay. My ex h is very abusive and unfaithful(even now as 19 years passed). I left that marriage. I left because I knew living single was a better option then living with my ex h. I had a baby with me to support also. Being betrayed by a spouse has left emotional scars that never fully healed. I do fully trust my current husband and the last 14 years together I've been working on myself to not worry about him meeting someone one else. Even though my ex h treated me so poorly, the unfaithfulness hurt more.

My ex h always blamed me for his affairs. Even 19 years later I still am to blame for his miserable life. I'd wish he'd move on and focus his attention with his wife. He's not nice to our child together either(she's a young adult now), but that's irrelevant. My current husband and I put our marriage as our top priority as well as our children. We constantly work at it daily and we both are very happy.

Take a good look at yourself and what you are doing. Look at the big picture. Is this all worth it? My ex h ended up marrying a girl he was in a relationship while we were married. She moved in just 3 days after I left and still together to this day. I know of 3 affairs he has had on her. Their marriage hasn't been the best and I'm somehow the blame for that too. Life didn't turn out as she expected. The grass wasn't greener on the other side so to speak. Although we were much younger then what we are now. Your perception changes as we grow older.

You know what the right thing to do is. It's up to you to make the right decisions. I will tell you that affairs are never the right path to follow. They cause a lot of grief, sadness and emotional turmoil to the BS. I will say this again.... there is no excuse that could ever justify the choice of an affair. 

You are a very intelligent women. You know the consequences of your actions. It's up to you to make the right decisions.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Why wouldn't you end your marriage at this point?


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