# Do all WS go through Withdrawal?



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I've read a lot about the WS going through withdrawal after the A ends but I'm still not exactly sure about the signs of withdrawal, OR if withdrawal happens after every affair?

So I'm curious if anyone recalls their spouse NOT going through withdrawal?

And IF your spouse did go through withdrawal, what exactly are the signs? How does it manifest itself?

My H insists he did not go through withdrawal because he made the decision to end the affair 4 months before D-day. His story is that the day after he asked me for a D, he realized he did not want a D. The next time he saw OW, he ended the A, but OW lost her mind and began crying, screaming and begging. He said it was a crazy scene and he realized she was mentally unstable. 

Then she began texting and calling daily insisting he take her back and when he refused she threatened to call me so eventually he agreed to keep seeing her out of fear. This went on for 4 months with him trying 3 times to end it, rinse and repeat the cycle above. Finally, he said he found her so revolting that he couldn't go through the motions to pacify her any longer. 

Keep in mind during these 4 months, that while he insisted he saw her less, he was still having sex with her when he did see her so he was still engaged in the A. I can't imagine having sex with someone who was threatening me. Then again, I'm not crazy enough to involve myself in such a sorted mess with a wingnut. His explanation is that I was not having sex with him so he was getting that need met elsewhere but that was it was entirely selfish and he was using OW. I was not having sex with him because he told me he wanted a divorce and was acting strangely so therefore, I felt no emotional connection. (And I wasn't going to throw myself at a man who had asked me for a divorce). 

Anyway, WS stopped seeing OW 3 weeks before D-day, but he told her to give him time and to be patient. He claims this was all a lie to keep her at bay while he figured out what to do. During this time and in the weeks prior, he was clearly depressed - crying a lot, drinking too much, distant, moody and angry one day, breaking down in tears and at times, clinging to me like a wounded animal. I thought he was severely depressed. He also told me he was seeing a counsellor (found the receipts so I verified this claim).

I guess the reason I'm obsessing, or trying to figure out the real story, is that because during the time he was "seemly" trying to rid himself of OW, he was also STILL blaming me for the breakdown of the marriage, and still claiming he didn't like and respect me. In hindsight, I'm wondering if this was withdrawal? He insists it was depression due to what he had done to our M as well as the guilt of the A, fear of OW, and being afraid to tell me about the A because he thought I would end the M on the spot. He said he felt like his life was one giant mess. 

That still doesn't explain his need to continue to blame me. Or does it?

I discovered he had also been reading books on marriage and infidelity (found the books and receipts). He said he picked up these books because he thought the A would help him get over our M and all it did was make him want me and the marriage more. He said OW was not the woman for him and he realized he had unfairly blamed me for the majority of the marital problems. However, he continued to blame me because he was confused. 

He still insists his depression, drinking and anger in the weeks before D-day (he had stopped seeing OW) were not withdrawal but depression due to destroying our M and not knowing how to fix it. He felt he could not tell me about the A but could also not continue the M with the secret of the A between us.

I still don't get the blameshifting during that time if he wanted the M and realized he had unfairly blamed me.

We are in R and I'm sure someone will tell me I'm obsessing but I want to be sure I have the entire story straight. If I'm going to forgive him, I want to know exactly what I'm forgiving. I also can't figure out why he'd still have sex with an obvious nutcase and if that says a whole lot about his character and if I need to be concerned. He's completely transparent and doesn't balk about doing so but recently I've discovered evidence of OW poking around in my business (won't go into details online) but she clearly has not let go.

I'm not sure if I'm simply obsessing for nothing, if OW poking around in my life has triggered me, or if this is something I need to be concerned about?

Anyway, R is going well for all intents and purposes but I find myself thinking about withdrawal and all these stupid details, and if his story really does make sense.

Hopefully, someone can make sense of what I'm trying to make sense of...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well hubby had his withdraw before Dday so you never got to witness it, even my wife with her 18 day affair did have some symptoms of withdraw


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Well hubby had his withdraw before Dday so you never got to witness it, even my wife with her 18 day affair did have some symptoms of withdraw


I asked him if he went through it before D-day but he still claims there was NO withdrawal ever.


He says he wanted OW out of his life and wanted her to leave him the heck alone so therefore he was not addicted to her.

He said the A was no longer tempting and had become a chore.

He said he's not disputing withdrawal but that he had no desire to contact her or see her and only did so to keep her quiet, and then after he finally decided he was going to have to tell me or let her make good on her threats, he said there was still no withdrawal because he had grown to despise her. 

He said withdrawal may occur for some WS but it did not for him.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

My wife did go through withdrawal, but it was something that I didn't really observe as in it wasn't like a major thing when you know people lose their minds and stuff but she kinda did suffer an emotional break down lots of shaking, snot bubbles and holding my knees preventing me from walking out the door, the day she got the D papers

But then it was a crazy couple of months and usually after the withdrawal period my wife was actually physically repulsed by even the mention of the OM's name


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Oh mine did. Bawled and bawled and bawled. The most by far I've ever seen him cry (and I've known him 20 years and through various life tragedies.)

I knew he missed his AP. I just didn't see that he was about to recontact her. Which he did 4 weeks +/- post-DD#1, unbeknownst to me.

After DD#2, there was no withdrawal. The affair--4.5 yrs total--had run its course. I'm sure his AP went through it, though, since he was ultimately rejecting her.

Funny thing, the other day I mentioned the bawling, and he said it was because he was so upset at hurting me. That is NOT how I remember it AT ALL. For one thing, I actively comforted him post-DD#1. There wasn't any ambiguity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> My wife did go through withdrawal, but it was something that I didn't really observe as in it wasn't like a major thing when you know people lose their minds and stuff but she kinda did suffer an emotional break down lots of shaking, snot bubbles and holding my knees preventing me from walking out the door, the day she got the D papers
> 
> But then it was a crazy couple of months and usually after the withdrawal period my wife was actually physically repulsed by even the mention of the OM's name


Is this withdrawal though? Or just a woman who realized she wanted her H and her marriage and was afraid of losing it all?

I thought withdrawal was when the WS missed the OP and was depressed about the A ending?

To me, it sounds like your wife realized the A was a mistake and not that she missed her OM. 

I guess this is why I'm confused about what exactly withdrawal entails...


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The thing is the OM dumped her out of the blue ( this was after they had hatched plans to divorce their spouses) I knew this and i was watching all of this and then she went through a week of silence for the most part and then contact started again, right after this was when the D papers came home and Nc began in earnest but i think she kinda experienced a mini withdrawal on the day of the dumping...

The best part though was she was under the impression that I was unaware of the affair till the papers were actually under her nose

And those months are sort of like a blur now, its almost been about 7 and a half years since all this went down


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Oh mine did. Bawled and bawled and bawled. The most by far I've ever seen him cry (and I've known him 20 years and through various life tragedies.)
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H also had a few breakdowns during which he bawled like I've never seen before but he said it was not because of OW. 

He said he was afraid of losing me. I did give him a letter before one his breakdowns saying that if he wanted a D, he could have it and he lost his mind. It was the worst breakdown by far and he kept sobbing that he did not accept my letter.

He was also crying on the floor on D-day but that's because our oldest daughter was screaming at him and calling him a sleazebag and saying he had no right to be crying. 

He still insists that not a single one of his tears was over OW. I don't know what to believe. He claims his feelings for her for never real and even when he thought he had some feelings he always knew they were never as strong as the feelings he had for me when our relationship was good. He said the A was about sex not emotion therefore there was no missing her at all.

It's all making me crazy but I do think OW poking around in my business lately has made me a little obsessive perhaps.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> The thing is the OM dumped her out of the blue ( this was after they had hatched plans to divorce their spouses) I knew this and i was watching all of this and then she went through a week of silence for the most part and then contact started again, right after this was when the D papers came home and Nc began in earnest but i think she kinda experienced a mini withdrawal on the day of the dumping...
> 
> The best part though was she was under the impression that I was unaware of the affair till the papers were actually under her nose
> 
> And those months are sort of like a blur now, its almost been about 7 and a half years since all this went down


Oh, okay. He dumped her, well I guess that makes sense then.

Mine insists because he ended the A and had been trying to get out for months, that was why withdrawal did not happen. He said it was like trying to get rid of a psycho ex-girlfriend. He said the drama queen needed to go and there was no missing the "crazy".


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, from my version vs my H's version we can deduce the truth was somewhere in between. Which makes sense. The WS is in a crisis with nowhere to (temporarily) turn, so it isn't pure withdrawal nor pure remorse. I vote 80 / 20, or 90 / 10. Remorse being the smaller of the two, the end of the affair is after all experienced as a personal loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What you describe is not necessarily whithdrawal. I find your WH explanations very plausible to be honest. He was ''checked out'' of the affair, not emotionaly attached to OW, which absence could be the source ot whidrawal.
People tends to blame everybody but self even when they know they messed up things, ussually in anger. Just a coping mechanism.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What you describe is not necessarily whithdrawal. I find your WH explanations very plausible to be honest. He was ''checked out'' of the affair, not emotionaly attached to OW, which absence could be the source ot whidrawal.
> People tends to blame everybody but self even when they know they messed up things, ussually in anger. Just a coping mechanism.


Yes, I think you may be right. I spoke to my H again this evening and told him I'd been thinking about this issue again. He was kind and patient and said he understood why I might still be obsessing about details. However, he added that while he does not discount that withdrawal happens to many WS, he still maintains that he felt absolutely no feelings of loss when the A ended. He said there wasn't a single second of loss or of missing the OW. He said he wanted her gone because she was the worst decision of his life and he was relieved when his secret second life finally came to light. He said he wanted the marriage and it was the fear of losing that, that caused his tears.

He also said his anger towards me during that time was about projecting his guilt onto me and not about her at all. He also reminded me he was screaming at her on the phone and using some choice words when she threatened to call me so she was getting a heck of a lot more anger directed at her than I was...

So perhaps I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and admit that maybe I'm triggering due to OW stalking me again which leads me to over-think every single detail. Infidelity sucks especially for someone like me who tends to obsess. I guess it comes with my line of work. I look too deeply into everything.


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