# Frustrate wife - sexlife? What sexlife.



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Hello all
I'm new here and am hoping you can give me some insight. 

Hubby and I have been together 22 years and we have 4 wonderful children. Needless to say we married young. We went from dating, to living together, to pregnant, to married. Now the kids are older and I find hubby and I just don't connect anymore.

We go for months at a time without sex, the longest we did without was 7 months and I'm hurt and frustrated because when sex happens, it's a wham bam kinda moment. There is no foreplay, no kissing (I love kissing), no connection - I feel like it's an obligation we have to fulfill.

I've tried lighting the spark but get shot down at every turn. I send texts and get little or no response, I flirt and it's ignored. I come right out and say I want sex and he says yes but it's dull, lifeless. It's not worth the effort. I rather do without than have the sexlife that we have.

I feel undesired, unwanted. I need and want the connection, the intimacy of being with him. He is the best man I know and I love him but I need more.

I talked to him about how I feel and at first he denied the issue, and then he made excuses. Then when that didn't work - he said he'd try harder. 
I'm not a a horndog, this is about more then just sex - it's about having that connection with my husband. Without that connection - we might as well just be friends.

Nothings changed - I'm crushed. Outside the bedroom we are good. We laugh, we cuddle, we talk. But once in bed - nothing. 
I'm scared my marriage is in trouble and heading for disaster and I don't know what else to do. Whatelse to say.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

How old is your husband? When did the decline in sex start? How was your sex life throughout your marriage? I would suggest the first thing you should do is convince him to see his doctor to have his testosterone levels checked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's as common for a man to make a marriage sexless (or near sexless) than it is for a woman to do it. Both genders do it at about the same rate.

Here are some things that might help you.

The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU 

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thank you for sharing your story. The more women who speak out about being sexually unfulfilled, the better. The gender stereo type that men want sex and women don't is BS.

I will be back to say more soon but other people will chime in I'm sure. 

Welcome.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What do you both do to try and bring the romantic love back into the relationship? It sounds like your love has turned into a bond of friendship more than that of lovers and mate. Have you told him that you view him more as a friend than a husband? People are not always aware, and he may believe that he loves you like a wife, his lover, but chances are, he is deluding himself.

There could be medical issues as well. If it seems like he does not have energy for other things, he should see a doctor about his hormonal balance. Is he fit. and if not, working out helps release hormones.

He may be out of love with you, and doesn't want to admit that he is not in love any longer. He is not motivated to have sex with you, and that means when he thinks about you, there is not a lot of dopamine that leads to motivation to cause action. The best way to bring back the romance is to bring some excitement back. If that does not work, your relationship may have run its course if any suggestions you hear about fails. Sometimes people just fall out of love.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 1marriedlady
You will find many thread here from men and women whos partners are low desire (LD) and do not want sex .

its not you, its him. There may be nothing you can do to fix it and stay in the relationship.

Its miserable - as I and many others here know from experience.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

I've tried. I texted him what my gf agreed was a hot offer. His response "k".
I woke him up with a bj a few times and he complained. I joined him in the shower - he finished washing and left. I followed him into bedroom and "accidentally" dropped my towel. He walked away.
He will be 44 next month and there is nothing physically wrong - he gets an erection. 
I think he's not into me. I've asked him if he was still attracted to me- he said he is. But his actions don't match his words.
I want passion. I want the spark. I want kissing and touching. Connecting. But it's not happening.
I'm so confused and frustrated. This isn't what I want.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Threads like this just frustrate me. I mean... I don't get it.

OP, is there any chance that your husband is having an affair?

Any red flags other than his obvious lack of desire?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

1marriedlady said:


> I've tried. I texted him what my gf agreed was a hot offer. His response "k".
> I woke him up with a bj a few times and he complained. I joined him in the shower - he finished washing and left. I followed him into bedroom and "accidentally" dropped my towel. He walked away.
> He will be 44 next month and there is nothing physically wrong - he gets an erection.
> I think he's not into me. I've asked him if he was still attracted to me- he said he is. But his actions don't match his words.
> ...


I totally get the "emotional connection"...believe me, I do. Have you ever considered walking up, grabbing his erection, pulling him to you and whisper in his ear..."Howzabout you fvck me that thing?"

Just a thought.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are so many possibilities and we still don't have enough info from you to make a guess. It could be:

He is naturally LD (low desire/low drive, one or the other or both)

He is situationally LD (he is only LD due to something about his situation, usually something stressful or unhealthy)

He has low T (very common)

He has some other health issue

He is harboring resentment toward you or something about the marriage and it kills his desire for you

He has body image issues and doesn't want to get naked in front of you

He knows he isn't good at sex so he avoids it

He has lost desire for you in general or isn't into you anymore (not necessarily due to anything, sometimes it just happens)

He has an active addiction or compulsion (these usually kill sex drive)

He can't handle intimacy and sex is too intimate so he avoids it

Sex is somehow painful or uncomfortable for him but he doesn't want to tell you (something embarrassing maybe)

There's many more....

Same list would apply to an LD woman, by the way. Some people just aren't that sexual and that is normal and healthy for them. That's what the first one above is, "naturally LD". 

So was he more sexual before or ever?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> I totally get the "emotional connection"...believe me, I do. Have you ever considered walking up, grabbing his erection, pulling him to you and whisper in his ear..."Howzabout you fvck me that thing?"


:scratchhead:

um....

....oh never mind.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I say start detaching and working on finding fulfillment in your own life. If he chooses no action, and does not want to put the energy into fixing the issues, then you will be more mentally ready to let go of the marriage. If you decide to stay, and it is your choice, you are accepting the situation and have to learn to live with it.

Start making changes in your own life first. Go to the gym, buy new clothes, change your hair, and go out with friends. Live a life without him if you must. If he fails his role as a mate, then he isn't your mate any longer. You may have to friend zone him, since being friends is what he is capable of offering.

Changes you make might bring on a reaction, but if it does not, then the relationship is likely dead. If it is dying, why drag on the pain and misery when it should be taken off life support.

If he is incapable of bonding with you as a mate, you should fire him from that role as he is failing the job. If he cannot fulfill your needs, ask him for an open marriage, because he is neglecting your sexual and emotional needs. These needs are not life and death, but this is the way you need to stay bonded. Without that, the love you have is no different than that of a friend.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, you seem like a nice lady and I am sorry you are going through this. It's no reflections on you. I'd make these suggestions.

1. Stop asking. On some level, it make you seem less attractive. 

2. Attractiveness Get some new clothes and go to the gym and workout. Go out a little more and distance yourself from him. 

3. Try to get a sense of whether there is so type of physical or psychological issue. 

4. Does he feel ashamed about his performance and quick release on that date. For many men, that is difficult to control.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is a book...." Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It: 

It says..." *Why do men stop having sex with their wives?*..The reason is seldom simple and may have a *physiological* , *psychological* , or *cultural* foundation, recent studies add a genetic component.. Often these elements combine. 

We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self -identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. We asked men to list the reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree ...the Following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes"...



> She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me..............68%
> She doesn't seem to enjoy sex..................................61%
> I am interested in sex with others, just not my wife......48%
> I am angry at her...................................................44%
> ...


Do you have any thoughts on what it could be.. is he RESENTFUL for something.. this is often the case.. and the man shuts down...does he have a secret porn addiction? 

What was sex like in the beginning.. did anything happen to start down this decline.... was you a rejecting wife at one time, (you mentioned 4 kids)....was there a time he felt rejected by you??


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Thats horrible. You've certainly put yourself out there so to speak. The rejection is very hurtful especially when you know you're not getting straight answers.

What I've come up with:

1. Masturbating to porn in secret. (Sometimes coupled with treating spouse like dirt.)

2. Possible physical affair

3. Low testosterone levels

4. Withholding/Passive aggressive/Non-communicative (possibly ties in with no.1 above: sexual energy spent on secret porn viewing.

Anything above ring a bell?

For the record, my dh had the secret porn sitch early in our marriage and wouldn't have sex with me. And treated me horribly while rejecting me.

Later in our marriage he kept refusing me. I could have (and did) walk around him in our bedroom naked and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. You know what I'm talking about I'm sure. After much back and forth with him, I convinced him to get his T levels checked. They were borderline. He's on T supps now and is much better. He's passive aggressive too and not much of a communicator. But hey! At least I'm getting laid now.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> I totally get the "emotional connection"...believe me, I do. Have you ever considered walking up, grabbing his erection, pulling him to you and whisper in his ear..."Howzabout you fvck me that thing?"
> 
> Just a thought.


This actually sounds really hot. The old blood pressure just rose a few notches :lol:

However, it doesn't sound like it will work with OP's sitch. A normal healthy man maybe, but not her dh.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> There are so many possibilities and we still don't have enough info from you to make a guess. It could be:
> 
> He is naturally LD (low desire/low drive, one or the other or both)
> 
> ...


I don't know about the T levels thing. I (apparently) have low T. I still have a constant desire, still have the WANT, just CANT. Sounds like he CAN, just doesn't WANT. Maybe low T is different for everybody, but that is how it is for me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
some people just don't want sex. Nothing medically wrong. Nothing their partners are doing / not-doing. The just are not interested.

I think it could reasonably be viewed as a sexual orientation, and is ever bit as unchangeable. Straight, Gay, Bi, and No. (I mean this quite seriously)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> some people just don't want sex. Nothing medically wrong. Nothing their partners are doing / not-doing. The just are not interested.


This is very true. My husband is LD and while things are good now, it took a LOT of work and compromise on both sides to get here. If I'm being completely honest, I'm still not getting as much sex as I'd like, but it's a whole lot better than what it was before. I had to really lay it on the line though - I told him that he bait and switched me, that this wasn't what I thought I was getting and NOT what I signed up for. 

It took me telling him I was going to the doctor to get antidepressants to suppress my sex drive, to really jolt him and make him see how serious the problem was. 

There was a lot of tears (mine), self doubt, lots of books read (by me, not him - he didn't have a problem with the way things were), thousands of dollars wasted on counsellors to fix something that can't be fixed/changed.

He's LD and that's all there is to it. Sometimes it really is that simple.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

frusdil said:


> This is very true. My husband is LD and while things are good now, it took a LOT of work and compromise on both sides to get here. If I'm being completely honest, I'm still not getting as much sex as I'd like, but it's a whole lot better than what it was before. I had to really lay it on the line though - I told him that he bait and switched me, that this wasn't what I thought I was getting and NOT what I signed up for.
> 
> It took me telling him I was going to the doctor to get antidepressants to suppress my sex drive, to really jolt him and make him see how serious the problem was.
> 
> ...


He is LD, but when you guys do have sex, do you feel he genuinely wants to do it, or do you feel he is having 'duty sex'?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

altawa said:


> He is LD, but when you guys do have sex, do you feel he genuinely wants to do it, or do you feel he is having 'duty sex'?


When he initiates I feel that he genuinely wants it, and most of the time when I initiate, he's right there, lol. There have been times though when I feel like "don't do me any favours", and I've actually said not to bother, because I don't want duty sex. Yuck.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

frusdil said:


> When he initiates I feel that he genuinely wants it, and most of the time when I initiate, he's right there, lol. There have been times though when I feel like "don't do me any favours", and I've actually said not to bother, because I don't want duty sex. Yuck.


Interesting.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Some many questions were asked - hope I answer them all...
I do go out without him - he is a homebody. He has been ever since we got married, he has one guy friend, who happens to be my bfs hubby. 
I started working out to feel better physically - I felt I was getting old before my time. An added bonus to feeling great, I've lost 20lbs and looking and feeling better.
I'm a very social person and love dancing and being with others. I sometimes feel bad about wanting to go out and leaving him home. But then when out I feel obligated to stay at the table with him because he doesn't dance.
I don't think he has any resentment towards me - I've asked and he said no.
I stopped initiating it because I always get shot down. When he starts it - it's dull. Last weekend he's stimulating my nipples - which sounds like a step in the right direction but how is the problem. He lays his head beside my breast and half heartedly cranes his neck to lick it. It was a total turn off. I shut down. 
Then before you know it he's penetrating me before I'm ready, no kissing, no revving me - it's over before it began.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem - if ii'm so turned off by him that I've given up? 
It's scary.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds really sad. Women are different than men as it takes time usually for their libido to be revved up. Females are more mental and emotional when it comes to sex. There are a certain amount of women who can think themselves into orgasm without stimuli. As I stated, it sounds really sad. Things like foreplay, teasing, seduction, dirty talk, romantic talk, it is missing. Those things help get the mind ready for the sex, and it boosts the libido.

Has he always been that bad, or has he just quit trying. Is sex just a way for him to get off, and is it worth going through if you just get frustrated?

He also makes himself look unattractive. I can only see a woman with a low sex drive, being a good match, although when she does need sex, she would be disappointed as well. As I am typing this, perhaps he should seek an asexual woman.

Besides the sex, how is he as a roommate?


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

His attempt at iniatiating sounds very half hearted and lucklustre. Totally lacking in passion. I'd hold off the penetration until you were good and ready. He sounds ... I dunno, kind of lazy. Foreplay is awesome fun. And you're missing out big time and so is he.

To be quite honest with you I don't know any woman who would be remotely turned on by his foreplay attempt. Is he always that inactive with foreplay in general?

I wonder if he is passive aggressive too. My dh usually waits for me to drive and lead the foreplay and sometimes that drives me nuts b/c I want to see him taking the lead and do something for a change. I want to see he wants me as much as I want him! Passion! I have a book about passive aggressive men and there is a chapter about sex. It said something along the lines of when a pa man is in bed he will basically lay there and let you do everything. That passage gave me pause b/c it describe my dynamic. I wonder if your h is waiting for you to take the reins?

Does he like dirty talk? One thing my h and myself like is dirty talk. I wish I could rename it to 'hot talk'. The word 'dirty' has negative connotations. However, I do ALL the dirty talk. He loves it but won't say anything. He claims he can't think of anything to say. Maybe that will help bring out some type of action in your h?

I don't know if you've mentioned it, but do you know for sure he is not masturbating to porn? Have you two watched porn together and did it help?


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Thank you all for taking the time and trying to help me with this. It's so sad, I know marriage takes work, we didn't get to 20+ without it. 

As we all know marriages have ebbs and flows and things change. Usually these ebbs and flows are in sync and we get our groove back and things work out. But this time it's taking forever and the longer it takes the more concerned I get.

He wanted me before, he hasn't always been like this. Not sure if it's something with him or if there is an issue with me. 
I've stopped asking because when I do the results are disappointing. 

He wants to have sex - just not alot of it or good sex.
I’ve asked. 
I’ve flirted. 
I’ve texted him suggestions. 
I jumped in the shower. 
I’ve dropped my towel.
I’ve jumped on.

The results are lacklustred and not worth the time. I'm left feeling disappointed. I rather not do it.

He is not having an affair. He goes to work, he comes home, he works around the house or he's on the couch watching tv. His job is physically demanding so I don't mind that he vegges on the couch. Because I'm on the other couch and that's our time together. We talk about the kids, we watch tv, we talk about our day. We laugh.

We haven't watched porn together in years. If he's watching porn - I don't know about it. I watch porn on occassion - to get the fires burning. I missing that stirring.

He's a great man and I know there is nobody else like him. He's a great friend, an amazing Dad. But not the best lover. He's stopped trying. And now so have I.

I've told him before I feel like roommates, that we come together for the sake of doing it. Not for connecting or for pleasure (on both sides).

This sucks!!


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I feel for you. I can honestly empathize with you.

The worst part of these threads is when you see somebody of the opposite sex with the same problem you have. You just want to scream at the computer "WHY CAN'T MY WIFE/HUSBAND BE MORE LIKE YOU!!!!!"


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

1marriedlady said:


> Thank you all for taking the time and trying to help me with this. It's so sad, I know marriage takes work, we didn't get to 20+ without it.
> 
> As we all know marriages have ebbs and flows and things change. Usually these ebbs and flows are in sync and we get our groove back and things work out. But this time it's taking forever and the longer it takes the more concerned I get.
> 
> ...


Try watching some porn together again. Then go put on a sexy/naughty outfit for him. 

Sorry your in that situation. Such a shame that he is neglecting a very important part of being married. :scratchhead:


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

1marriedlady said:


> We haven't watched porn together in years. If he's watching porn - I don't know about it. I watch porn on occassion - to get the fires burning. I missing that stirring.


I'm trying to gauge whether he has a libido in any shape or form. Not to harp on the porn thing but have you asked him outright and have you checked the history on his devices or if he has cleared the history? At least it will give you some idea if he has a sex drive.

If he doesn't have a drive I would strongly urge you to strongly urge him to get his testosterone levels checked (the FAI also: the free androgen index.) I can't recall you mentioning if he has had this checked. If not, I think you should honestly start there. My husband's came back borderline and answered a lot of q's for both of us. Other male posters have previously posted on other threads about raising testosterone levels naturally. Other than that, my dh asked to be put on test supps even with a borderline test result.

Oh yeah, I second the notion of watching porn together. Maybe chuck something on without warning while you guys are getting ready for bed.

Another thought. Have the two of you discussed seeing a sex therapist together? I haven't any experience in this area but maybe its worth trying.


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