# Retroactive Jealousy mixed with genuine worries



## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

I didn't want to know her past, but it got dumped on me.

Dating a woman for almost six months now. She's never been married, and neither have I. We hit it off right away and after three months, I met her parents. 
About 3 months into our dating, I get a letter from some stranger , claiming to be a married man who was having an affair with my gf . According to the letter the affair was short distance, and she had been confronted by the man's pregnant wife before, but affair continued on. Then the guy's baby girl was born and he decided to break up. But they still continued meeting up after she moved to my town. So they maintained a long distance affair over a few years, up until she met me and decided to break up with him. He wasn't happy because he sacrificed his marriage and proposed to her but still got denied. He then decided to have his revenge by exposing her past to me after snooping around her social media , finding me , then sending me the letter , screenshots and sexy selfies that she had taken. I was quite traumatized. My GF admitted it when confronted with it. 

Retroactive jealousy started kicking in after a couple of weeks after the confrontation. It was a combination of guests coming over to stay so we couldn't have sex... and then when the day the guests left, she suddenly said that it was that time of the month . 
I really was angry and disappointed and all these angry thoughts started rushing in. I verbalized some of them, and she cried, and cried. 

Sample thoughts:
1. My girlfriend was willing to be the side-chick to a married man , but expects me to be monogamous and faithful to her because 'she's turned over a new leaf' and 'that was in the past'. She clearly thinks that married man is a stud alpha and allows him to have two women, while Mr.Safe /Beta me can't. 

2. My girlfriend sent sexy selfies to an ex all the time. She doesn't do that for me because I found those selfies as part of a revenge porn package sent to me, and she's traumatized. She won't do sexy selfies for me when I ask for some while I'm away on my business trip because she's afraid of exposure and another fappening-type scenariio. She didn't think of these risks with the ex , but she's got an excuse handy for me. Therefore that ex is much more desirable to her and she trusted that ex much more in the past than she trusts me now. 

3. She didn't break up with him because she felt adultery was wrong. She broke up because she found me. That's a little opportunistic.... I'm being idealist but I would have liked to have her break off without me in the picture, then meet me. 
4. She talked to him as platonic friends online while we were dating, but started to talk to him less and less. But he managed to find out where I worked and where I took my GF on dates through his chats as a platonic friend. This bothered me . Also, the married man sent screenshots where my GF told him that he was still her soulmate even though she was off to a real relationship now. Clearly she trusts him so much that she can tell him about me, and not vice versa. She calls him a soulmate even though they've broken up . So what the heck am I? Why is she choosing me? 

5. Why does she act bashful and tease me like a teenager 'oh, you're so naughty. You look like such a proper serious guy but you're so naughty. I never knew' . But her texts to him were all ' BB Our Sxx is the best ever! How am I gonna live without it!' Yeah.... I know the married guy sent them to me to push my buttons. 

These are all the OCD thoughts I have in my head. They mesh and intertwine with my genuine worries about her moral compass . I can't reason with these thoughts or come up with a counter argument. Can you help me?


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Other genuine worries:
1. Her concept of boundaries with exes
2. Talking to an ex behind my back. She didn't physically cheat on me, and didn't sext him. In fact, in the screenshots that he shared with me, of chats that happened while she was with me, she was quick to rebuff his attempts at intimacy. Eg he would say . Oh, had a long day, come here for a hug. She would say : Don't say that. Not hugging you. I have someone else now.' He would then make a sad face smiley, then she would say ' But you're still my soul mate' Kinda inappropriate still I think. But it still feels like cheating. 
3. Moral compass and her views on marriage. Yes, I know. Just because you cheated with a married man while you were single, doesn't mean you will cheat on your husband/bf when you're in a proper relationship. But..... 
4. Psycho ex is going kamikaze. If he can find my workplace, he can find my colleagues , my friends, her friends and send photos .


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> Other genuine worries:
> 1. Her concept of boundaries with exes
> 2. Talking to an ex behind my back. She didn't physically cheat on me, and didn't sext him. In fact, in the screenshots that he shared with me, of chats that happened while she was with me, she was quick to rebuff his attempts at intimacy. Eg he would say . Oh, had a long day, come here for a hug. She would say : Don't say that. Not hugging you. I have someone else now.' He would then make a sad face smiley, then she would say ' But you're still my soul mate' Kinda inappropriate still I think. But it still feels like cheating.
> 3. Moral compass and her views on marriage. Yes, I know. Just because you cheated with a married man while you were single, doesn't mean you will cheat on your husband/bf when you're in a proper relationship. But.....
> 4. Psycho ex is going kamikaze. If he can find my workplace, he can find my colleagues , my friends, her friends and send photos .


There is a lot of threads on tam dealing with men feeling inadequate because their girlfriend won’t do sexual acts with them that they did with previous boyfriends and the woman’s answer is she is a different person now than she was back then.
Personally I think that’s a load of crap.
However this is slightly different scenario in that not only was she having an erotic relationship with her ex which involved everything up to and including sending nudes to one another but he was a married man with children.This added to the excitement for her which is what she craved.
So he got the carefree woman,the monkey sex and the constant sexting and sending of nudes and you got the consolation prize,the sensible woman who isn’t over sexual with YOU and who blushes at even the thought of sexting.
The biggest red flag here is she was still in contact with him even though she was dating you.
In my honest opinion you are being played by this woman and if you marry her she will soon start up again with Mr Alpha.She sees you as good husband material and you would probably be a good father to her children but is this how you want to live your life.
As the consolation prize.Plan B.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

mclee said:


> Mr.Safe /Beta





mclee said:


> So what the heck am I?


You answered your own question.

If your mindset is one of……"she is the perfect female unicorn and I am unworthy of any woman'', then stay with her and live with it.

Of course, you don't believe this, right?

Keep your beta/comfort traits, but learn to enhance your alpha traits. Read ''No More Mr. Nice Guy'', and ''The Rational Male'' blog by Rollo Tomassi, for a few hints on this. 

Then start over with a woman who is worthy. This present relationship will have you in knots forever. Not a good way to live.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Bottom line. You don't respect her. I don't respect her. Someone who would wreck another person's marriage with their eyes wide open. What type of person does that? A horrible, lying, selfish person. You've been dating her 6 months? That's NOTHING. Just dump this low character tramp and move on. Just be glad you found out what she is before you married or had a kid. You act like you are bothered by this because you want to KEEP HER? Dude, dump her and move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> You answered your own question.
> 
> If your mindset is one of……"she is the perfect female unicorn and I am unworthy of any woman'', then stay with her and live with it.
> 
> ...


I couldn’t agree more with you.

To the op,do you feel she is out of your league looks wise?
Has she a career and how do your earnings compare and how do you manage finances?
Does she pay half of everything?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Everybody deserves to be with their soulmate. Problem is, you are not hers. Reckon that ought'a mean she isn't yours either.

That 'soulmate' bull she texted him would have ended it for me right then and there.

Tell her to be careful that the door doesn't hit her ass on her way out.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

From reading the other replies I am probably way off on this, but here goes...

The genuine worry to me would be that she was sleeping with a married man. Hopefully she has given you a reason such as he told her he was in the final stages of divorce or something similar to somehow make this more palatable.

The rest I wouldn't let bother me personally. If I had just been burned by the things he sent you, I wouldn't want to put them in the hands of yet another boyfriend either! That makes her SMART and someone who learns a lesson. Try to view it that way rather than focusing on what she did for him vs what she does for you. What if the same had happened to you? Would you be so keen to go sending out the same stuff to your next girlfriend?? 

Also, another positive to focus on is however well you hit it off, she was so crazy about you that she ended everything with him. She wouldn't even entertain the thought of a cyber hug emoticon. I think that's great. Just because her Ex is a crazy jerk, you are going to throw away someone you have a wonderful connection with? Is that fair? It's your choice.

It sounds like she made a very bad decision getting involved with this dirt bag. She is trying to move on. Did you make any bad choices in your past? If so, would you like to think you learned from them and have moved on?

You are letting her douche canoe ex win. He is getting exactly the reaction he wanted.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Spicy said:


> It sounds like she made a very bad decision getting involved with this dirt bag.


That's Mr. ''SoulMate'' Dirt Bag.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I couldn’t agree more with you.
> 
> To the op,do you feel she is out of your league looks wise?
> Has she a career and how do your earnings compare and how do you manage finances?
> Does she pay half of everything?


Well, out of all the girls I've dated she's the prettiest, so I suppose I put her on a pedestal. Also treated me much much better than my previous exes. Lots of cuddles and small intimate gestures like wiping my mouth , adjusting my tie , baking things for me which none of my exes ever did. She pays her share and doesn't bug me for expensive gifts. Buys me gifts even. I earn a good living , upper middle class medical professional, and I easily triple what she earns at her job. So she's not that type of mistress. The married guy was an accountant and he was whining to me about how she saw me as a better catch and was into me for my money (yeah, he'd say that, wouldn't he) 
Things are pretty rocky. Constant anger from me. That letter changed me from the happiest man to the most screwed up man in 24 hours.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She's been cheating with a married man who is cheating on his wife.

She's not GF or wife material.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> That's Mr. ''SoulMate'' Dirt Bag.



Hee hee...very funny! :grin2:

Yeah, I don't buy into that term.
I'm thrilled I found my hubby, and it is hard to imagine a much better match in a lot of ways, but I think there are people you connect with and ones you don't. If she believed he was really her "soulmate" she wouldn't have dumped him for the OP, nor would she continue to push him away, IMO.


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## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

Pro:
She denied the married man when he broke up with his wife and proposed to her.

Con:
Everything else.


You need to move on. The fact she still calls this guy soulmate and he is still obviously seriously interested in her would be enough for me to roll out. That other guy isn't going to go away so if you stay with her be prepared to have to continually deal with him, her 'soulmate'. Her moral compass is broken.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Spicy said:


> From reading the other replies I am probably way off on this, but here goes...
> 
> The genuine worry to me would be that she was sleeping with a married man. Hopefully she has given you a reason such as he told her he was in the final stages of divorce or something similar to somehow make this more palatable.
> 
> ...


Some of the other posters have pointed out the continued 'platonic' chats as grounds for breaking up, especially the soulmate part. You know the best part? She said this to me after I confronted her. 'I thought he was my soulmate, a good person. How could he do such things?' I mean, is that something you tell a guy you're dating?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

mclee said:


> Some of the other posters have pointed out the continued 'platonic' chats as grounds for breaking up, especially the soulmate part. You know the best part? She said this to me after I confronted her. 'I thought he was my soulmate, a good person. How could he do such things?' I mean, is that something you tell a guy you're dating?


No honey, I wouldn't and I don't know why she did either. My assumption would be she did truly have love for him and they did have a great connection...but she has picked you! I am guessing she has some really great qualities besides her beauty becasue you didn't immediately end it, and you are still together. That is why I am trying to see the other side of this. Generally the group is right though, and I am probably being naive on this one.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Spicy said:


> No honey, I wouldn't and I don't know why she did either. My assumption would be she did truly have love for him and they did have a great connection...but she has picked you! I am guessing she has some really great qualities besides her beauty becasue you didn't immediately end it, and you are still together. That is why I am trying to see the other side of this. Generally the group is right though, and I am probably being naive on this one.


Oh, and also the 'I thought he was a good person' part really really ticked me off. She should have been denouncing adultery and cheating before me. Not using 'but I loved him' as the way to see him as 'a good person'. Really.... I told her ' Hey, can I have two women as well? And be a good person? You thought he was a good person when he was cheating with you. ' It was a cheap shot and she cried and sulked for a whole day .


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

mclee said:


> Some of the other posters have pointed out the continued 'platonic' chats as grounds for breaking up, especially the soulmate part. You know the best part? She said this to me after I confronted her.* 'I thought he was my soulmate, a good person. How could he do such things?*' I mean, is that something you tell a guy you're dating?


If she thought a man who was cheating on his wife was 'a good person' then she has a skewed view of right/wrong.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Beat me to it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How long ago did you find all this out?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This doesn't really sound like retroactive jealousy to me. RJ is when you are unreasonably jealous of a past relationship she had which in no way intrudes on your current relationship with her. But that isn't the case here. She was still emotionally involved with this guy after you two started your relationship. She continued significant contact with him for a long while during your relationship.

Furthermore, you have seen a lot of concrete evidence that she just isn't that into you. RJ would be when your current relationship is fine yet you are upset that she had a good relationship in the past. You've seen the correspondence showing how she thought of the previous man much differently than she ever thought of you.

To me your situation is not RJ but is some kind of anger or disappointment that she doesn't see you as Mr. Amazing. I also think you have a pretty negative self-image. Of course it hurts to find out the person you love doesn't really love you back in the same way at all. But the healthy response is to NEXT her. Be sad for not having what you thought it was, but also realize you never had it because of her faults. She was deceiving you. She was using you. She was taking advantage of you.

Now that you know the truth, pull the eject handle. Run like your ass is on fire. NEXT her. And be damned happy you learned the truth before you got decades into a marriage with kids, a house, pets, and complex finances!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

If you are in the medical profession, it must mean you're a smart fella….except when it comes to picking women, it seems. 

You're doing well in your field, hitting your stride, so to speak….you should be the one picking the women with a scrutinizing eye for quality.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Thor said:


> This doesn't really sound like retroactive jealousy to me. RJ is when you are unreasonably jealous of a past relationship she had which in no way intrudes on your current relationship with her. But that isn't the case here. She was still emotionally involved with this guy after you two started your relationship. She continued significant contact with him for a long while during your relationship.
> 
> Furthermore, you have seen a lot of concrete evidence that she just isn't that into you. RJ would be when your current relationship is fine yet you are upset that she had a good relationship in the past. You've seen the correspondence showing how she thought of the previous man much differently than she ever thought of you.
> 
> ...



I find myself having thoughts like
1. ' She loved him even though he had two women. Therefore I should be allowed to have two women and if she truly loves me, she will allow me to have two women. I should get a sugar baby and flaunt it in her face' . 
2 . She stopped contacting him after she knew he had outed her. So she didn't stop contact out of respect to me. She had that emotional connection that kept him as a friend even though they broken up. Therefore she loves him more. 
3. She sent him so many daily half naked selfies with her face in it but only sent me some faceless ones.

I began making cheap shots and bringing up her past to shame her whenever she didn't want to come overnight, noting that she was willing to fly to different cities to rendezvous with him. 
When I asked her for selfies, she would change the subject. Then I'd cheap shot her by saying 'OK, if you won't give me selfies, I'll ask my sugar baby/wife/mistress to send them. Sugar babies know who they are and don't try to pretend otherwise. ' . then she'd cry and cry. 
Looks like I'm losing my respect for her and seeing her more and more as a sexual thing and she knows it. She can sense my need for 'getting even' and 'evening the score' so that I am on par with the married man. 
Ironic isn't it? Married man resents me because I have her. I resent married man because he had some imagined version of her that I constructed in my head.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The reason you feel jealousy is because this guy is still intruding into your relationship, and you detect she still has feelings for him.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Thor said:


> The reason you feel jealousy is because this guy is still intruding into your relationship, and you detect she still has feelings for him.


I mean, isn't that human to have feelings for an ex? As long as the feelings get less and she commits to moving on?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mclee said:


> I mean, isn't that human to have feelings for an ex? As long as the feelings get less and she commits to moving on?


She sent him messages during this relationship with OP to her ex saying ex was her soulmate! That's not moving on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> Well, out of all the girls I've dated she's the prettiest, so I suppose I put her on a pedestal. Also treated me much much better than my previous exes. Lots of cuddles and small intimate gestures like wiping my mouth , adjusting my tie , baking things for me which none of my exes ever did. She pays her share and doesn't bug me for expensive gifts. Buys me gifts even. I earn a good living , upper middle class medical professional, and I easily triple what she earns at her job. So she's not that type of mistress. The married guy was an accountant and he was whining to me about how she saw me as a better catch and was into me for my money (yeah, he'd say that, wouldn't he)
> Things are pretty rocky. Constant anger from me. That letter changed me from the happiest man to the most screwed up man in 24 hours.


Please do not take offense at anything I write but I have your best interest at heart.
There is a term which has entered modern day vocabulary called girlfriend experience.(gfe) It is where a man who hasn’t had much luck with women pay an escort but not just for sex.He wants her to be affectionate,playful etc.He can pay for sex anytime but he wants to experience having a beautiful girlfriend to hang out with and just do mundane things together,go to the movies,shopping for clothes etc.
There is a darker side to the gfe though and it’s where a woman who for whatever reasons decides to put her past behind her,temporarily at least and latches onto a man who she normally wouldn’t date.She is everything this man could wish for,beautiful,empathetic,generous,funny etc.But it is an act and she can’t keep it up permanently and eventually her true self emerges.
I very much fear that you have been selected as the fall guy here and you tick all the boxes.
1.She is prettier than any woman that you ever dated.
2.You have a solid,respectable career in the medical profession.
3.You are in awe of her and put her on a pedestal because she is out of your league appearance wise.
4.All the little things,wiping your mouth,little hugs,fixing your tie and even baking for you.These are all ways to hook you but once you are caught you realize it was a bait and switch operation.After marriage things start to change.

In my younger days I was a serial dater and I was lucky enough to be able to attract some of the most beautiful women you could imagine.
I will tell you something about some of them.They never “settle” until they feel their best days are behind them and then they carefully select someone they know can provide the lifestyle that they want.But I’ve seen time and time again where they eventually fall back into their old partying ways and their husband is left to pick up the pieces with maybe a couple of kids added to the mix.
Maybe you got lucky and this is the real thing but please be very careful and whatever happens don’t get her pregnant.And maybe let her know you will not consider marriage for a number of years.
Good luck.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Dump her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm not reading retro active jealousy. 

I'm reading morally I would never be with a cheater, I should have left and now I'm analysing every little thing in order to trying to make her into a terrible person...except I'm still with her..

You are a safe/beta guy because you let another man come in and f*ck with your life!

I'm betting if 80% of folks saw nudes send to exes of their partners it would cause a reaction too.. but that's part of another life, nothing to do with you.

You talk about she wipes your mouth, how about she only does that for you and didn't do it for him?

My friend you won. You got her and this dude salty as heck decides to torpedo your relationship by contacting you. Life is always trust and verify and no one is saying your lady is a saint. But she choose you man and you let another man walk in and piss on your rug.

Good luck


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Ok it sounds like you have know this for a while, but choose to stay with her, and keep having sex with her.

I think it is then unfair, after you have essentially "forgiven her" to then torment her by shaming her and making cheap shots whenever you don't get your way, to the point of reducing her to a day of crying. Now who is being crappy?

If you have that much disdain for her, end this, and set both of you free.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

BobSimmons said:


> I'm not reading retro active jealousy.
> 
> I'm reading morally I would never be with a cheater, I should have left and now I'm analysing every little thing in order to trying to make her into a terrible person...except I'm still with her..
> 
> ...


There are a lot of things she definitely does with me but not with him eg show me off to her friends, bring me to see her parents, brothers, walk around in shopping malls holding hands etc. Just logical deduction.
I didn't win, not according to the retroactive jealous/caveman mind. My mind is fixated on the sexual things that she did with him like send seminaked selfies every day. So I start demanding these things unreasonably to even the score. 
And I allow these thoughts to enter my mind all the time. She never said she loved me . Her words ' I like you very much and I care very much about you. Please give me some time' This was 3 months after our dating. After that , she'd tease me whenever I did something nice like massage her feet or cook for her . She'd say : 'ooh, somebody loves somebody , huh?' I don't know why, but this teasing really got under my skin, as if I was a bashful teenager asking a hot older woman on a date. I wanted to be the stud alpha married male who could make a mistress swoon and jump into the hotel bed without a second thought, not this...


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Ok it sounds like you have know this for a while, but choose to stay with her, and keep having sex with her.
> 
> I think it is then unfair, after you have essentially "forgiven her" to then torment her by shaming her and making cheap shots whenever you don't get your way, to the point of reducing her to a day of crying. Now who is being crappy?
> 
> If you have that much disdain for her, end this, and set both of you free.


Yeah, well . That's my compulsion to 'even the score' . I can't bear the thought of that married man getting all the passionate sex from her then going home to his wife, and she still loving him, while I have to be this beta male teenage crush for her so she can have an innocent pure relationship . I mean I got to work for the sex. Which is unfair and frustrating to me. Yes, I know I sound entitled, but that's the way it is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

There is nothing to get "even" about. If you have these strong feelings, then you really need to be away from the relationship. Getting "even" won't make the relationship better. She STILL will have been with a married man, she STILL would have sent the selfies to him and not you, she STILL would have had monkey sex with her "soulmate" and not you. The only thing you would get is that YOU would now be a cheater. Bad all around.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> There is nothing to get "even" about. If you have these strong feelings, then you really need to be away from the relationship. Getting "even" won't make the relationship better. She STILL will have been with a married man, she STILL would have sent the selfies to him and not you, she STILL would have had monkey sex with her "soulmate" and not you. The only thing you would get is that YOU would now be a cheater. Bad all around.


But she can't very well criticize me for being a cheater! Why the double standard when it comes to ME? Why doesn't that standard apply to her previous married man boyfriend?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

While I think many of your points betray a deep-seated inferiority complex, that doesn't really affect the matter at hand. You have 6 months in. End it swiftly. You have so little invested at this point that it makes no sense to try to "fix" things that can't be fixed. Her past is written in stone and you can't accept it. She has also shown, at best, bad decision making skills. At worst very poor character and questionable morals. You can't put that genie back in the bottle, and why would you want to?

After you break up, work on your own issues. It will pay dividends as you live your life moving forward. The fact that your biggest issue seems to be some sort of competition and scorecard parity with her old boyfriend over the fact that she knowingly carried on with a married man speaks volumes about where you are at.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Oh it DOES apply to the boyfriend, yes he was a cheater no doubt. But, do YOU want to become a cheater? Don't you think that would affect YOUR self-esteem?

I think you really harbor a lot of anger here, and it doesn't seem that just you "getting even" will make everything in the relationship ok. You can get "even" by leaving the relationship for someone who has enough morals to not sleep with a married man and ruin a marriage. Especially one who continues to chat with her "soulmate" while she is with you.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Oh it DOES apply to the boyfriend, yes he was a cheater no doubt. But, do YOU want to become a cheater? Don't you think that would affect YOUR self-esteem?
> 
> I think you really harbor a lot of anger here, and it doesn't seem that just you "getting even" will make everything in the relationship ok. You can get "even" by leaving the relationship for someone who has enough morals to not sleep with a married man and ruin a marriage. Especially one who continues to chat with her "soulmate" while she is with you.


Or cheat on her with pros and tell her, letting her know and feel the betrayal , and then end the relationship and me saying 'Now you know what it feels like'


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

mclee said:


> Or cheat on her with pros and tell her, letting her know and feel the betrayal , and then end the relationship and me saying 'Now you know what it feels like'


What is it like for you to feel so powerless? Do you really think this idea will help you escape that feeling?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

mclee said:


> Or cheat on her with pros and tell her, letting her know and feel the betrayal , and then end the relationship and me saying 'Now you know what it feels like'


Why not take the high road and be the better person? Do you really want to stoop to her level? You can tell her how much this hurt you to find out what type of person she really is when you break up with her and leave it at that.

She didn't PHYSICALLY cheat on you when you were together, did she? Sounds like, while still chatting, she was shutting him down and not doing that stuff anymore. Why the hate? I understand the betrayal, but why let it change YOU into someone without morals.

What would your NEXT GF say if she found out that YOU did this? Wouldn't SHE think about you just like you now think of your GF?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> From reading the other replies I am probably way off on this, but here goes...
> 
> The genuine worry to me would be that she was sleeping with a married man. Hopefully she has given you a reason such as he told her he was in the final stages of divorce or something similar to somehow make this more palatable.
> 
> ...


Spicy, i genuinely agree with everything you noted but the only thing that comes into mind is character, the fact she is willing to date a married man notes issues with boundaries.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay first of all officially no one has cheated "in" this relationship as far as you know....but that really is not the point....here is the point and why this relationship is doomed you feel (rightly or wrongly) that you are in relationship that is not in balance and never will be....let's say that she send you continued selfies...completely face and body, that she tells you i love you, that she flies on a dime to see you....the problem is that in your mind you will always compete with her past and that is a race you will never win. let her go in peace...resentment is an emotion far to hard to keep up and only makes you ugly in her eyes. just tell her sorry but i don't want to compete with your past, i am a better person than that. she is also broken and needs therapy to fix herself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

McLee,

*You wrote, I easily triple what she earns at her job. So she's not that type of mistress. The married guy was an accountant and he was whining to me about how she saw me as a better catch and was into me for my money*

He might have gotten to see your W as she really is and not as an actress putting on a good face to keep a man. Unfortunately you meet every need she has better than the OM except for sex which is the one most important to men. 

*Things are pretty rocky. Constant anger from me. That letter changed me from the happiest man to the most screwed up man in 24 hours.*

That letter saved your life.

The fact that she did not disclose any of this after you got serious basically nullifies your relationship, do not get married. She likely intended to marry you with you still in the dark.

Do not have sex with her least you get her pregnant. She will likely turn on the sex machine in an attempt to keep you. Just walk and don't look back. 

Tamat


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That's what dating is about. If you discover things about someone, about their values, that doesn't seem to go well with your own values, why keep dating? No amount of great sex is ever going to wash away someone's bad character or values. I don't think banging a married guy who had a pregnant wife, and she kept doing it even after the wife confronted her, is a mistake. It sounds like a character flaw, and you should listen to your gut right now.

A lot of people put good chemistry over character, sadly. And they marry that person, and live to regret it. You actually can find both, you don't need to settle.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> While I think many of your points betray a deep-seated inferiority complex, that doesn't really affect the matter at hand. You have 6 months in. End it swiftly. You have so little invested at this point that it makes no sense to try to "fix" things that can't be fixed. Her past is written in stone and you can't accept it. She has also shown, at best, bad decision making skills. At worst very poor character and questionable morals. You can't put that genie back in the bottle, and why would you want to?
> 
> After you break up, work on your own issues. It will pay dividends as you live your life moving forward. The fact that your biggest issue seems to be some sort of competition and scorecard parity with her old boyfriend over the fact that she knowingly carried on with a married man speaks volumes about where you are at.


It's the fact that she was willing to do things with a married man but not with me. 
And the genuine concerns about her values do crop up and mix themselves with my retroactive jealousy concerns.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> It's the fact that she was willing to do things with a married man but not with me.
> And the genuine concerns about her values do crop up and mix themselves with my retroactive jealousy concerns.


Buddy just break up.
Really,just break up.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mclee said:


> Or cheat on her with pros and tell her, letting her know and feel the betrayal , and then end the relationship and me saying 'Now you know what it feels like'


If this is what is going on in your head, you are no where near ready for a woman in your life...aside from your mom that is.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> If you are in the medical profession, it must mean you're a smart fella….except when it comes to picking women, it seems.
> 
> You're doing well in your field, hitting your stride, so to speak….you should be the one picking the women with a scrutinizing eye for quality.


This... You are about to enter a time in your life where women will be throwing themselves at you. Don't undervalue yourself. And do read "The rational male". You owe it to yourself


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

mclee said:


> ...She calls him a soulmate even though they've broken up . So what the heck am I? Why is she choosing me?
> ...


You -- are simply available.

The lovers who "can't" be together are oh so dramatic. But aside from all the passion...

Why are you trying to force any woman to send you sexy pictures? Or talk to you in a different way? You really would do well to accept people as they are and how they react to you. It stings that she was clearly really into this married man and not into you the same way. There's not a lot you can do about that. Getting even and or showing her how it feels are only going to make you look foolish. What if you cheat on her, then actually like the one you're cheating with? How's that for the start of a relationship. I would not be impressed. Move on to someone who is into you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mclee said:


> It's the fact that she was willing to do things with a married man but not with me.
> And the genuine concerns about her values do crop up and mix themselves with my retroactive jealousy concerns.


That's not RJ. When there is a significant disparity between her overall interest in you vs a previous partner it is justifiable dissonance. This doesn't mean a previous partner would be expected to do exactly the same things with each partner, but there should be a general equivalence. Ideally she'd show more interest in you than previous partners, though of course we know each relationship has its own vibe, and people do change over time a bit. What you describe is a very large difference in both the sexual and emotional intensity between how she is with you vs how she is with this previous man. If it were RJ you would say you felt jealous about her previous partner even though you couldn't describe anything she was doing less for you and even though he was long gone out of her mind and heart.

I believe you are trying to _blame yourself_ for feeling badly. And that is totally wrong! You are firstly entitled to feel how you do about anything. You are entitled to feel her values are not up to your standards. Perhaps you have been brainwashed by the "don't judge me, Bro" mentality and believe you aren't allowed to judge people. You are! You can (and should) judge her moral system based on her behavior. Absent any evidence she has changed since she was happily the OW to a married man, you absolutely should make a judgement on what this says about her character and whether or not you are comfortable being in a relationship with her.

I also think you are angry because she has turned out to be someone different than you thought she was. I believe this is where your anger is coming from. You feel fooled by her, or used by her, or something else along those lines maybe. But you thought she was a person of similar moral values to you. Now your plans are ruined.

Dumb question here for you before I go further: Is she your first sexual partner? If not, how would you generally describe your sexual and romantic history.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP,

I can very much relate to your story and I am sorry you are going through this. What strikes me as I read your posts is that what your relationship seems to lack is real intimacy. I do not see you ever developing that with her. Honestly I believe you letting her go would be the best thing for both of you. It will likely give her great pause for thought and be a very teachable moment for both parties. What do you get? A lifetime of never looking back and second guessing your decision to remain with her. The likelihood of you moving on from this emotionally seems very slim to me. I can only speak to your from personal experience. Carrying around baggage like you have for decades is debilitating.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

mclee said:


> It's the fact that she was willing to do things with a married man but not with me.
> And the genuine concerns about her values do crop up and mix themselves with my retroactive jealousy concerns.


The fact she was willing to do ANYTHING with a married man should be enough


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She held onto her "soul mate" until after she met you?

Ask yourself how important your occupation is to her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mclee said:


> I didn't want to know her past, but it got dumped on me.
> 
> Dating a woman for almost six months now. She's never been married, and neither have I. We hit it off right away and after three months, I met her parents.
> About 3 months into our dating, I get a letter from some stranger , claiming to be a married man who was having an affair with my gf . According to the letter the affair was short distance, and she had been confronted by the man's pregnant wife before, but affair continued on. Then the guy's baby girl was born and he decided to break up. But they still continued meeting up after she moved to my town. So they maintained a long distance affair over a few years, up until she met me and decided to break up with him. He wasn't happy because he sacrificed his marriage and proposed to her but still got denied. He then decided to have his revenge by exposing her past to me after snooping around her social media , finding me , then sending me the letter , screenshots and sexy selfies that she had taken. I was quite traumatized. My GF admitted it when confronted with it.
> ...


This is not Jealousy it's wisdom. Your marriage will go as far as your morals sounds like she is lacking.

Besides that you do not sound mature enough yet to even think of settling down. You should be strong enough to dump girls who show you this big a red flag. Seriously dude you need to date much more. Your girlfriend is the kind you have fun with you don't get serious with because inevitably she will cheat on you. 

People are what their actions show you they are, to be nice she is not a good catch. Run!


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> okay first of all officially no one has cheated "in" this relationship as far as you know....but that really is not the point....here is the point and why this relationship is doomed you feel (rightly or wrongly) that you are in relationship that is not in balance and never will be....let's say that she send you continued selfies...completely face and body, that she tells you i love you, that she flies on a dime to see you....the problem is that in your mind you will always compete with her past and that is a race you will never win. let her go in peace...resentment is an emotion far to hard to keep up and only makes you ugly in her eyes. just tell her sorry but i don't want to compete with your past, i am a better person than that. she is also broken and needs therapy to fix herself.


Some people would say that just by keeping up surreptitious contact with a 'soulmate' ex-boyfriend as platonic friends is emotional cheating. Re: the balance, yes, I think I feel that superiority and entitlement all the time. 'She was a mistress, therefore because she was a mistress to him, I expect mistress like behaviour from her so that I can become that 'soulmate' '


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

KrisAmiss said:


> You -- are simply available.
> 
> The lovers who "can't" be together are oh so dramatic. But aside from all the passion...
> 
> Why are you trying to force any woman to send you sexy pictures? Or talk to you in a different way? You really would do well to accept people as they are and how they react to you. It stings that she was clearly really into this married man and not into you the same way. There's not a lot you can do about that. Getting even and or showing her how it feels are only going to make you look foolish. What if you cheat on her, then actually like the one you're cheating with? How's that for the start of a relationship. I would not be impressed. Move on to someone who is into you.


Of course, you're all seeing this through my perspective, through the lens of retroactive jealousy. What you're seeing is being described by me, with little details being amplified. Maybe she was careless with words, and soulmate means something like trusted friend(who just happens to be an ex lover)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mclee said:


> Some people would say that just by keeping up surreptitious contact with a 'soulmate' ex-boyfriend as platonic friends is emotional cheating. Re: the balance, yes, I think I feel that superiority and entitlement all the time. 'She was a mistress, therefore because she was a mistress to him, I expect mistress like behaviour from her so that I can become that 'soulmate' '


This is just too hard. You need to mature I am afraid. A mature confident response would go find a women who has morals and will treat you great in bed because she loves you and love making love to you. Who has a healthy relationship with sex. Seriously dude this girl is gross (not for the sex but for the fact that I am sure the forbidden nature of the sex is part of what she needs to make her so into it). 

If you continue I would bet you good money you will be back here when she has cheated on you maybe with this guy. 

More disturbing is that you don't see your worth as more then this girl. Basically because she is hot. Like she is the only hot girl on the planet. Their are attractive women out there who are not mistresses and who want to have fun sex with their boyfriends.

Part of confidence is having morals and standards. Start having them and sticking with it and you will grow strong in confidence. Confidence is attractive.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, I'm afraid that all you'll do is the merry-go-round in your head, but you'll still keep her because, based on your posts you don't seem to have a whole of self- respect, and probably you think that you are not able to do better.

Why do you think that the other man let you in their little secret? Answer: Because he expected you to act like any normal man would; which was for you to not longer consider her worthy of a serious relationship. He thought he knew what your reaction would be. What he did not counted on was: you not reacting like you should had.

You are certainly seeing everything, but find yourself unable and paralyzed with the thought of loosing the best looking woman you'd ever had; consequently you are using a self- protection mechanism by deflecting on the issue at hand: she is a person that does not seem to be ethical enough for you to consider as a long-term partner, instead you're going with the merry-go-round of what she did for him that she's not doing for you. 

Remember: she was calling him her soulmate, way into her relationship with her. Where does that leave you? Plus based on your feedback, to her you're just the plan B. You were picked for that. Think about it. Good luck.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

OP, before even discussing jealousy issues, you need to solve your GF's past affair with a married man. If you are considering a LTR with your GF, followed by family and children, you need to answer for yourself whether your GF is able to be a role model for your future children? Past relationships belong to the past, but her enduring relationship with a married man even after his pregnant wife confronted her is no good sign.

Going to the dynamic of your relationship. It looks like she is trying her best to convince you that she would make a good wife--her affectionate yet not too sexual interaction with you, her lack of materialism, etc. But what you came to discover from the evidence her ex-lover sent you is that she can be a more passionate and sexual partner, but not with you. Her demeanor has proven a double-edge sword for her, because it shows that she is either playing the role of a virtuous woman, or she does not feel an intimate connection with you to open up as she did with her ex-lover. Also, and this is the most important point, she can carry an affair with a married man expecting a child with no remorse. You have mentioned that does not consider that the affair partner is amoral. 

You deserve way better. This relationship lacks the solid foundation that is necessary to develop into a LTR, leave alone family and children.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

WAIT.......



mclee said:


> She never said she loved me .


If that's true.... And she said to you, after being outed that she "thought he was her soul mate"

WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HER????



Did she tell him she loved him? At any point? 

If she wont she wont say it to you in a committed (??) relationship, and if she did say it to him... then perhaps this girl is all kinds of pha-hucked up and you need to get the hell away.

Remember a sinking vessel pulls down objects close by!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

IMO this is something the two of you are going to have to work on if you intend to stay together.

Regarding the guy that cheated on his wife with her..he's pretty much immaterial except for the fact that he was immature enough to inform you of things between him and your gf.

Let the past be the past, but inform her that she blocks him from any further communication..and that you'll be watching.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

memyselfandi said:


> IMO this is something the two of you are going to have to work on if you intend to stay together.
> 
> Regarding the guy that cheated on his wife with her..he's pretty much immaterial except for the fact that he was immature enough to inform you of things between him and your gf.
> 
> Let the past be the past, but inform her that she blocks him from any further communication..and that you'll be watching.


That's the thing. My mind can't think of long term stuff. I used to dream of the day we would walk down the aisle, and everybody I met , including her family also fed into that by dropping hints.
Now all I think of is the short term, how am I going to extract sex out of her , how am I going to get her to send me photos and act all mistress like with me. When I go shopping with her or going to a popular cafe, I always think... you expect me to do this stuff with you, out in the open while we're holding hands and you look so happy , as if you expect this to be part of our relationship. But you wouldn't have a relationship with me if you only got to sklulk around hotel rooms and nondescript hole in wall restaurants. But yet you did so with him.

Before I got the letter, I WAS a bashful teenager with her. Once we were alone in my hotel room . I'd gone over to her hometown for her cousin's wedding and her house was already full, so I checked into a hotel. She came over to visit me and we kissed in the room. Light frenching only, and she liked it. But I never went further, although she did brush her hand against my pants which were bulging, and gave me a knowing look. I was a little embarrassed and laughed nervously. We continued kissing while clothed and sitting up. No lying down. Then she left. I felt great then. But after I got the letter, I constantly find myself reliving the past of before I got the letter and wishing I could travel in time to those times and take things further.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

So this is my third relationship, and the only one where I met her on my own and asked her out. The previous two relationships (one engagement) were introductions from parents or friends.
I never really felt the 'spark' with the first two. They were good girls, no history like this. I got along well, but first one turned out to be really nasty and cold and suddenly neglected me in favour of her career. 
Second one was openly manipulative and kept asking about my salary and annual bonus. 
Both were OK looks wise, but I felt not that pretty. 

The current one I knew as an acquaintance. I thought she was pretty but didn't really have feelings for her for years, until we met by chance again in an unexpected place. She asked me out after that , and I went out with her once for coffee , but at that time I was already into a 4th or 5th date with someone else that my parents really liked so I felt the obligation to stick with that blind date. So I didn't contact my gf for a long time after going out once. Then I got dumped by that date because she felt we were 'too different' , so my current gf was next on my list. 

I only ever had sex with one woman, the girl I was engaged to .


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So are you South Asian?


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

sokillme said:


> So are you South Asian?


South east Asian. Chinese ethnicity.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> So are you South Asian?


Good call.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> That's the thing. My mind can't think of long term stuff. I used to dream of the day we would walk down the aisle, and everybody I met , including her family also fed into that by dropping hints.
> Now all I think of is the short term, how am I going to extract sex out of her , how am I going to get her to send me photos and act all mistress like with me. When I go shopping with her or going to a popular cafe, I always think... you expect me to do this stuff with you, out in the open while we're holding hands and you look so happy , as if you expect this to be part of our relationship. But you wouldn't have a relationship with me if you only got to sklulk around hotel rooms and nondescript hole in wall restaurants. But yet you did so with him.
> 
> Before I got the letter, I WAS a bashful teenager with her. Once we were alone in my hotel room . I'd gone over to her hometown for her cousin's wedding and her house was already full, so I checked into a hotel. She came over to visit me and we kissed in the room. Light frenching only, and she liked it. But I never went further, although she did brush her hand against my pants which were bulging, and gave me a knowing look. I was a little embarrassed and laughed nervously. We continued kissing while clothed and sitting up. No lying down. Then she left. I felt great then. But after I got the letter, I constantly find myself reliving the past of before I got the letter and wishing I could travel in time to those times and take things further.


This completely changes everything,I was under the impression that as a doctor you would have had lots of previous girlfriends and plenty of sex.I know plenty of doctors and other medical professionals and celibacy wouldn’t be a strong point amongst them.
You are (or were) being played,and her innocent little girl behavior in your hotel room proves it.If it had been her ex in the room they would have been banging for hours.She needs the illicitly of forbidden sex to show her true colors and you are seeing an act.
For your own peace of mind you need to end this relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Spicy said:


> No honey, I wouldn't and I don't know why she did either. My assumption would be she did truly have love for him and they did have a great connection...but she has picked you! I am guessing she has some really great qualities besides her beauty becasue you didn't immediately end it, and you are still together. That is why I am trying to see the other side of this. Generally the group is right though, and I am probably being naive on this one.


You just have a good heart Spicy. Not a bad thing to have.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mclee said:


> Oh, and also the 'I thought he was a good person' part really really ticked me off. She should have been denouncing adultery and cheating before me. Not using 'but I loved him' as the way to see him as 'a good person'. Really.... I told her ' Hey, can I have two women as well? And be a good person? You thought he was a good person when he was cheating with you. ' It was a cheap shot and she cried and sulked for a whole day .


That was a cheap shot. 

If you know you can’t get past this then just break up. I know the stuff sent to you had to hurt as well as the things your gf has said. Just no need to beat her with it. 

Honestly six months in, I would be pulling the plug. Not worth the chance.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mclee said:


> I find myself having thoughts like
> 1. ' She loved him even though he had two women. Therefore I should be allowed to have two women and if she truly loves me, she will allow me to have two women. I should get a sugar baby and flaunt it in her face' .
> 2 . She stopped contacting him after she knew he had outed her. So she didn't stop contact out of respect to me. She had that emotional connection that kept him as a friend even though they broken up. Therefore she loves him more.
> 3. She sent him so many daily half naked selfies with her face in it but only sent me some faceless ones.
> ...


I’m surprised she didn’t leave you after this. I would advise her to do so. 

Your just being an ass now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mclee said:


> That's the thing. My mind can't think of long term stuff. I used to dream of the day we would walk down the aisle, and everybody I met , including her family also fed into that by dropping hints.
> Now all I think of is the short term, how am I going to extract sex out of her , how am I going to get her to send me photos and act all mistress like with me. When I go shopping with her or going to a popular cafe, I always think... you expect me to do this stuff with you, out in the open while we're holding hands and you look so happy , as if you expect this to be part of our relationship. But you wouldn't have a relationship with me if you only got to sklulk around hotel rooms and nondescript hole in wall restaurants. But yet you did so with him.
> 
> Before I got the letter, I WAS a bashful teenager with her. Once we were alone in my hotel room . I'd gone over to her hometown for her cousin's wedding and her house was already full, so I checked into a hotel. She came over to visit me and we kissed in the room. Light frenching only, and she liked it. But I never went further, although she did brush her hand against my pants which were bulging, and gave me a knowing look. I was a little embarrassed and laughed nervously. We continued kissing while clothed and sitting up. No lying down. Then she left. I felt great then. But after I got the letter, I constantly find myself reliving the past of before I got the letter and wishing I could travel in time to those times and take things further.


So you think she played you for a fool?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You both need to find someone new. 

You need someone as innocent as you. 

She needs someone that can forgive her past and move forward with her.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> This completely changes everything,I was under the impression that as a doctor you would have had lots of previous girlfriends and plenty of sex.I know plenty of doctors and other medical professionals and celibacy wouldn’t be a strong point amongst them.
> You are (or were) being played,and her innocent little girl behavior in your hotel room proves it.If it had been her ex in the room they would have been banging for hours.She needs the illicitly of forbidden sex to show her true colors and you are seeing an act.
> For your own peace of mind you need to end this relationship.


Not till I've had my fill.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

ABHale said:


> You both need to find someone new.
> 
> You need someone as innocent as you.
> 
> She needs someone that can forgive her past and move forward with her.


I wanted her to be 'not innocent' as me. Is that such a big thing to ask?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

mclee said:


> Not till I've had my fill.



Okay so now you want to play her...ethical and moral issues aside, be careful she still controls your emotions and thus the narrative. 

He who plays with fire may become its victim


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

mclee said:


> Well, out of all the girls I've dated she's the prettiest, so I suppose I put her on a pedestal..


It's amazing what some men will put up with when they think their girlfriend is 'hot.'

You have a *LOT* of growing up to do. You seem to tie all your emotions and feelings and relationship secruity into your genitals and sex. You're so immature that you think your entire relationship has to be validated with sex. 

Grow up.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's amazing what some men will put up with when they think their girlfriend is 'hot.'
> 
> You have a *LOT* of growing up to do. You seem to tie all your emotions and feelings and relationship secruity into your genitals and sex. You're so immature that you think your entire relationship has to be validated with sex.
> 
> Grow up.


You are aware that inability to consummate a marriage is grounds for divorce, right? Sex is not the entireity of a relationship, yes I know . But it is just manifestly unfair and disrespectful of her to see me as marriage/boyfriend material and reserve her wild sexual side for an extramarital affair. If she was serious about me, she would love me in all ways, including sexual.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Something I found somewhere else. In the reply section.
This was about a woman whose partner found out about her sexual past. Doesn't say whether there were extramarital affairs involved.
This is so me. It is so me right now.

“I had a pretty eventful past sexually and I am not proud of it.”

… but are you ashamed of it? Because that would silly. Maybe you’re ashamed of your past because… I don’t know… the closest person to you devotes half his day to making you feel like **** about it?

First of all, the bad news: your guy’s got some major growing up to do and there’s not much you can do or say to make that happen. It has to happen on its own, in his own head. But just to say you did your due diligence, tell him the following:

“Look, bf, it’s obvious that my past is eating you alive. If we’re going to stay together you need to come to terms with it, like right now. I shared that information with you because it’s part of who I am and I thought you wanted to know me, but I now regret opening up to you, and that’s no way to run a relationship. You’re making me feel horrible but I didn’t do anything wrong and I can’t take one single further comment about it.”

… but that’s not what he wants to hear. He wants you to apologize, to beg forgiveness, to admit you’re a *****, and above all to repentantly swear that the only sex you ever enjoyed is the sex you have with him. And even all that won’t be enough, because it’s HIS thoughts driving him crazy, not YOUR past.

I take it you’ve had more partners than him? Maybe significantly more? The fewer partners a man has had, the likelier that is to drive him nuts. Lots of guys see success with women as a measure of their worth. Here’s his thought process:

– you have more partners – you’re winning the contest that HE’S supposed to be winning. AARGH!

– some of those partners were casual partners, meaning his special snowflake girlfriend is some guy’s half-forgotten drunken lay – THAT drives him nuts.

– those casual guy partners? He imagines that they bedded you through superior game, and he compares himself unfavorably to them too. Another level of jealousy and insecurity.

– a little good old Madonna/*****, “my cow gave that other guy guy the milk for free!”

– he found their pictures, so now he can visualize exactly who was banging you (which is what he’s primarily worried about – not how much YOU liked it. It could have been the lamest sex in the world and he’d still be jealous). The fact that he’s actually seeking out stuff to go crazy over should show you that this is a downward spiral.

I am embarrassed to say that many years ago, I was this guy. Hence my guesses into his thought process.

https://www.emandlo.com/my-snooping-boyfriend-cant-get-over-my-sexual-past/


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

ABHale said:


> You both need to find someone new.
> 
> You need someone as innocent as you.
> 
> She needs someone that can forgive her past and move forward with her.


ha. I'm willing to bet that she will hide this dark secret for as long as she can. The next guy will be totally in the dark. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. 

I got the curse /or blessing of knowing about my gf's past .


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Just some more info

the married guy was very eager to write in his letter that my gf had 5 sex partners before him. So I'm number seven.
The five guys didn't bother me. It was two things:

After getting the letter and confronting her, I asked her if she had any boyfriends before married guy, and she said yeah I had two. That got me so mad, she had to lie about it. 
I said. Two? Two? So what's he saying about a French guy from 2009 to 2010? Then she said ' I can't believe he told you that'. 
I said 'I can't believe you had to lie to me about that. You lie to me about this and yet you feel comfortable enough to tell him. Go tell your soulmate some more things. Maybe tell him about what sex with me is like' 
She kept quiet. 

So my jealousy also stems from the fact that she was willing to be open about her sexual history with him, but not with me. I didn't care that she had sex partners before me. All my previous exes did. It was the fact that she lied to me but was truthful to him. That felt as bad as her not sending me photos that she would send him. I really hope that it's because we were only together 3 months at that time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> ha. I'm willing to bet that she will hide this dark secret for as long as she can. The next guy will be totally in the dark. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse.
> 
> I got the curse /or blessing of knowing about my gf's past .


Look either break up or learn to live with her past,this endless pontificating is getting tiresome.
Martyrdom is not a spectator sport.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

mclee said:


> Other genuine worries:
> 1. Her concept of boundaries with exes
> 2. Talking to an ex behind my back. She didn't physically cheat on me, and didn't sext him. In fact, in the screenshots that he shared with me, of chats that happened while she was with me, she was quick to rebuff his attempts at intimacy. Eg he would say . Oh, had a long day, come here for a hug. She would say : Don't say that. Not hugging you. I have someone else now.' He would then make a sad face smiley, then she would say ' But you're still my soul mate' Kinda inappropriate still I think. But it still feels like cheating.
> 3. Moral compass and her views on marriage. Yes, I know. Just because you cheated with a married man while you were single, doesn't mean you will cheat on your husband/bf when you're in a proper relationship. But.....
> 4. Psycho ex is going kamikaze. If he can find my workplace, he can find my colleagues , my friends, her friends and send photos .


If he's the super Jealous type too then he can actually humiliate you even more so. I saw this one guy who was an ex go into the current boyfriends work and proceed to humiliate him by showing him the sexting and naked pictures his ex-girlfriend gave to him. Things she never did with current boyfriend because "She's a proper lady now". What utter tripe. 3 weeks later this proper lady was having monkey sex with the ex in the bed she shared with her boyfriend at their apartment. Bad Move on Ex's part as current boyfriend beat his ass and then threw him out of his apartment. Then booted her out too. Ex boyfriend and girlfriend got back together for a few months before it imploded on her and then she tried to come back and beg forgiveness but he wasn't having it.

Dude I have seen this scenario play out dozens of time in my life. Let me be bluntly direct with you. She's using you. You're her safe option. The one she may or may not be compartmentalizing a life with as a 'proper wife' with. Assuming she's gotten that far. But him? She plans to keep him in her life so she can do those dirty and nasty things with she'd never do with you. Right now she's got the best of both worlds. So you need to rock that boat and capsize it. Tear her little fantasy world down. And you do that by kicking her to the curb and breaking contact.



If you haven't heard of it. I would suggest reading 3% man by Coach Corey Wayne. God I wish I had found his stuff years ago. Would have saved me so much grief with women.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

mclee said:


> Not till I've had my fill.


 You will NEVER get your fill, that is just a rugsweeping stall tactic.



mclee said:


> I wanted her to be 'not innocent' as me. Is that such a big thing to ask?


 You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. You know how you think/feel about all of this and it is unreconcilable with a happy marriage. Just be done with it and save yourself the future anguish that you are setting yourself up for.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

mclee said:


> Just some more info
> 
> the married guy was very eager to write in his letter that my gf had 5 sex partners before him. So I'm number seven.
> The five guys didn't bother me. It was two things:
> ...



Holy ****, more bad signs. I hadn't even finished reading before I posted. But yeah, women lie about Sexual partners all the time. Most do it to protect their reputations and virtue. But that is another big red flag. If she's willing to lie to you about something like that then she's willing to lie to you about more serious stuff. Infact the lies may come second nature to her on stuff like that. Broom her fast dude.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't understand most of those comments... By male posters. The girlfriend rejected the previously married guy's marriage proposal!!! and wound down their relationship because she met OP. So why all these comments about OP being "plan B and beta"?. Makes no sense. The whole reason the ex sent OP this revenge information was to try to destroy her relationship with him, because he is sour because she didn't choose him!

Also, good for the girlfriend for learning the lesson to never send nude/sexual pictures to a man again. Any smart woman would learn that lesson after being burned by previous such pictures. She's learned that people can't be trusted to keep them private after a relationship ends. Good for her.

OP I notice that you aren't very hung up on your girlfriend's bad choice made in the past to be entangled with someone who was married, it's other stuff. Unbecoming stuff that shows a dark and immature and kind of scary side to you. I hope you end this relationship because it's kind of awful.

Lastly, on the use of the word soulmate... obviously this woman was entangled with this previously married man because she was truly in love with him. It doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. She possibly uses that word about him with a definition you don't understand. Some people use it for people that are not with and could never be with. It can mean you had a close tie, but were not right for each other. Some people call soulmates people they learned lessons from. Some people believe they can even be same sex friends and you meet many in your life.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand most of those comments... By male posters. The girlfriend rejected the previously married guy's marriage proposal!!! and wound down their relationship because she met OP. So why all these comments about OP being "plan B and beta"?. Makes no sense. The whole reason the ex sent OP this revenge information was to try to destroy her relationship with him, because he is sour because she didn't choose him!
> 
> Also, good for the girlfriend for learning the lesson to never send nude/sexual pictures to a man again. Any smart woman would learn that lesson after being burned by previous such pictures. She's learned that people can't be trusted to keep them private after a relationship ends. Good for her.
> 
> ...


She chose me as the safe option. Nobody wants to be that. I want to be a man that she loves and wants to have sex with even if I'm married with kids. She loved him but time was not on her side. Biological clock etc. That was why I got angry when she said 'I like you very much and care about you. Please give me some time' Both of them knew that if they married they would be pariahs in their communities and they would never get her father's blessing, she wouldn't be invited to her siblings' gatherings , his sibling's gatherings etc. Also he had a daughter. It's an Asian thing. I think no smart woman wants to be a stepmother if they can help it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Look the bottom line is when the women your dating is a better mistress then girlfriend you are dating the wrong women. Some people are just not marriage material. This girl cheats with married men and has some kind of Madonna ***** complex thing going on here which suggests she doesn't have a healthy thought process when it comes to sex.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand most of those comments... By male posters. The girlfriend rejected the previously married guy's marriage proposal!!! and wound down their relationship because she met OP. So why all these comments about OP being "plan B and beta"?. Makes no sense. The whole reason the ex sent OP this revenge information was to try to destroy her relationship with him, because he is sour because she didn't choose him!
> 
> Also, good for the girlfriend for learning the lesson to never send nude/sexual pictures to a man again. Any smart woman would learn that lesson after being burned by previous such pictures. She's learned that people can't be trusted to keep them private after a relationship ends. Good for her.
> 
> ...


She lies to him and only comes clean after the fact, in my mind the only way I would ever consider taking on a relationship with someone who could be a mistress would be if they were like the remorseful posters on this board who understand the magnitude of what they did and a big part of their life was changing their character. Enough a part of their life that hiding it wouldn't be possible. That would be because a considerable amount of effort and thought would be put into changing their nature that allowed them to do this. To much a part of their life to even pretend it didn't happen. That is not this chick.

Healthy and safe choices in spouses don''t cheat because any excitement they may get out of it would be overwhelmed by the feeling of awfulness about hurting another human being (In this case the wife). If we are honest all of us can understand that there are some very enjoyable aspects of affairs. It's nice to have new sex and be wanted and feel all that. However moral people don't want to be a part of inflicting pain on others even indirectly even at the expense of the chance of feeling those feelings. There are still plenty of people in this world who think this way, OP and anyone dating just has to have enough faith that he can find someone like that. Doesn't sound like this chick thinks like this at all. To her it was a mistake because of the consequences it brought to HER life but not because of how she was an active percipient in ruining another women's life, not to mention if he had kids. Which means she will always be vulnerable. There are going to be times in any relationship where your spouse hurts you and you may not have any feelings of love because of that hurt. The thing that prevents you from cheating though has nothing to do with your spouse it has to do with your understanding that cheating is wrong no matter what. 

Finally the fact that she seems much more enthusiastic about the sex with the married guy (probably because of the the forbidden nature of it) is a tell that her thinking about sex is probably not a going to lead to a healthy marital sex life. Now maybe if she was open about that fact they could do other things that kind of add danger to there sex life to turn her on. Safe semi public stuff for instance, role play, whatever but she doesn't seem introspective to get there. People who have the capacity to be involved in affairs rarely are introspective at all. Bottom line with in life is her actions show her worth. As she is now she is not worth committing one's life to. This women is a trap.

If OP is smart he will move on, then she will date someone else like OP who is a nice guy, won't tell him of her past. Probably won't enjoy the sex because she doesn't have a healthy introspective thought process about it, and will be a prime candidate to eventually be swayed into cheating again. Some guy who is perceptive enough to see she like forbidden sex will offer it to her and seeing as she has week morals she will go for it. 

NOT A GOOD CHOICE AT ALL.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mclee said:


> I wanted her to be 'not innocent' as me. Is that such a big thing to ask?


Not if your going to beat her up with. Your just being an ass now.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Not if your going to beat her up with. Your just being an ass now.


The betrayed spouse won't think so. I think if I got in touch with her, she'd cheer me on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

mclee said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > Not if your going to beat her up with. Your just being an ass now.
> ...


You are acting like you were cheated on, and you weren't.

Why don't you just end the relationship? She's only your girlfriend, you've only been together a short time, and you clearly can't handle any of this.


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

mclee said:


> The betrayed spouse won't think so. I think if I got in touch with her, she'd cheer me on.




Don't take that advice (which someone in another forum gave you). 

Jesus, she didn't cheat on you. Move on.

Your desire for revenge is frightening. I understand you stopped therapy because you felt you no longer needed it? Go back!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

mclee said:


> Just some more info
> 
> the married guy was very eager to write in his letter that my gf had 5 sex partners before him. So I'm number seven.
> The five guys didn't bother me. It was two things:
> ...



Two things here:

1) The Ex douche bag is certainly an awful person but seems he's doing the job to ruin your and GF's relationship.

2) The well has been poisoned, time to move on.


Bonus:

I might be that his relationship with his wife could be a living hell as well, which might be the reason he wrote the letter/s?

Do you suspect your GF still talks to her Soulmate! Funny never believed in no such thing. AS we have many soulmates during our lives!

S1


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mclee said:


> The betrayed spouse won't think so. I think if I got in touch with her, she'd cheer me on.


People do change and make better choices. She shouldn't have been dishonest with you and you have a LOT of growing up to do so I don't believe either of you is ready for a healthy relationship.

Your vitriol is disturbing. I would be bothered by the dishonesty if I were in your shoes but would see if she was willing to change that bad choice for me and work to grow in a good direction.

Sounds like she was treating you pretty damn good and you were happy so there shouldn't be any complaints there.

You are very insecure and if you are experiencing RJ, you need help quickly. You don't need to keep feeding your particular monster.

She shouldn't have kept in contact with her ex and I would have addressed that but she wasn't cheating on you and being very loving to you.

Part ways if you must but cut the **** 💩 out about all this retribution. She didn't **** you over.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

💋


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

mclee said:


> Not till I've had my fill.


WTF does this even mean? *****? You damn sure ain't getting it like that other guy is. If you're getting it at all. All she's doing is playing with your emotions. You are the safe/lifestyle choice. You want to get your fill of her? You wont. She's like a drug to you. And your an addict that will never be satisfied with a single fix. And really this comes across as so juvenile.



mclee said:


> I wanted her to be 'not innocent' as me. Is that such a big thing to ask?


You mean you want her to be wild and uninhibited in bed with you. That isn't going to happen. You're not displaying the proper characteristics of a man who takes charge of his life. I don't say this to be mean, but from what I've read, your language comes across as desperate, needy and weak. A woman has to respect you before she'll allow attraction for you. She clearly doesn't have respect for you, ergo she has no feelings of attraction for you that makes her want to have that kind of sex with you.



mclee said:


> You are aware that inability to consummate a marriage is grounds for divorce, right? Sex is not the entirety of a relationship, yes I know. But it is just manifestly unfair and disrespectful of her to see me as marriage/boyfriend material and reserve her wild sexual side for an extramarital affair. If she was serious about me, she would love me in all ways, including sexual.


You've only been with this chick how long? And already thinking marriage? Dude...you are in for a world of hurt. And its clear she's in control of your emotions and not the other way around.


Look dude. I'm being harsh for a reason. I used to be you. I used to think like you. Took me a while to get my head out of my ass. I wish I knew then what I knew now. So many women I would have given their marching orders long before it got even remotely serious. Dude, end it now. Get rid of her. This one is going to end with you heart broken or worse. It most certainly will not end in your favor.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

The GF made some very bad decisions; the nature of those decisions make her incompatible with you. A sane man would see this and tell her so, let her go, and move on.

For whatever crap you want to throw at her, you should look in the mirror. Maybe you should have told her "If you do not tell me every little thing about your past, AND be as innocent as me in bed, AND adore me sexually AND have me as the best sex you've ever had, I am going to flip out and make your life a living hell until I am slated."

Why are you taking this so personally? 

I can understand why the GF would be moving much more slowly, much more conservatively, after her experience with her MM. Many people felt that their prior relationships were with a "soul mate". She isn't doing anything horrific or unusual. Yes, she IS looking for some safety and stability- those are the bedrock of successful relationships.

I hope your GF is taking it all in, on this sharp learning curve for her. Her picker is way off base. 

OP, you are not showing much emotional stability right now. Forget this girl, she is not the one for you. Try to figure out why this has caused you so much emotional stress. She has made really bad mistakes but she has not tried to harm you; why are you trying to harm her?


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

RoseAglow said:


> The GF made some very bad decisions; the nature of those decisions make her incompatible with you. A sane man would see this and tell her so, let her go, and move on.
> 
> For whatever crap you want to throw at her, you should look in the mirror. Maybe you should have told her "If you do not tell me every little thing about your past, AND be as innocent as me in bed, AND adore me sexually AND have me as the best sex you've ever had, I am going to flip out and make your life a living hell until I am slated."
> 
> ...


You're a girl but you don't believe that relationships should be based on love? What about me is she really desiring? For richer, for poorer, through better , through worse. She went through a heck of a lot of risk for him, but she wouldn't do that for me. Is she choosing me for my social acceptability? Did she settle for me or did she choose me. I thought she chose me and now I'm angry because I WAS tricked.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

mclee said:


> You're a girl but you don't believe that relationships should be based on love? What about me is she really desiring? For richer, for poorer, through better , through worse. She went through a heck of a lot of risk for him, but she wouldn't do that for me. Is she choosing me for my social acceptability? Did she settle for me or did she choose me. I thought she chose me and now I'm angry because I WAS tricked.


I do believe that relationships are based on love, but real love takes time to grow. 

You are not married. You are not even close to "For richer, for poorer, through better, through worse."

She made a horrible decision by getting involved with a married man. If she wanted to stay with him, she would have. She didn't, and made one good decision in trying to move on. Being with a married man is very risky; women lose their chance at having kids, at having a good and decent life by their inability to leave an extramarital relationship.

You have some very negative self-talk, a very negative tape, telling you that her decisions have something to do with you. Her actions do not say anything about you, other than she was attracted enough to you to want to start a relationship with you. 

Her decision to get involved with a married man is about her; her decision to get away from a married man is about her; her decision to not disclose her extramarital relationship is about her; her evaluations are based on her risk comfort. 

She may have correctly perceived that you anger easily and therefore chose to not disclose certain information, but that is still about HER. She could have just easily decided that she didn't want to be with a man who angered easily and just left. Do you see? Our behaviors are a tell on US, not on the other person.

Also, it sounds like the GF and MM were involved in a lengthy relationship. She will have of course been more deeply involved, with more and different sex acts, with more intimate knowledge shared, because they had years together. Why are you trying to compare aspects of a years-long relationship with your new one of barely half a year? Especially when someone burned in their last relationship is going to be extremely wary of doing the same things?

I think you are emotionally very stressed right now. I don't see how she tricked you. You have only been dating for six months. You would be very naive if you expected to know everything there is to know about a person in only 6 moths. You seem to have some high expectations; people date often for about two years before getting married specifically to find out things about the experience, trustworthiness, and value system of the potential mate. 

The dating process worked for you here; you filtered out someone who was wrong for you. There really is no need to harm her emotionally, to "get back" or do anything more than just let her go, find out what is making you so hyped up at this time, and go find the woman who will be right for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's interesting to me that you're so upset at the throught of being her plan B, when that's what she was to you. 

According to you your last gf dumped you and she was "next on your list".

So how is she not plan B? You settled for her after your last gf dumped you. That's how dating works..... one doesn't work so you look elsewhere.

You guys are a poor match, and you have a ton of growing up to go. You have legitimate concerns with her past choices, but now you're just abusing her.

It's clear to me why she wouldn't feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening up to you..... you abuse to soothe your own ego and would use vulnerabilities against her.

Hopefully she'll end this if you won't. 

Honestly until you deal with your propensity to emotionally abuse to soothe your ego you're really not good partner material.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's interesting to me that you're so upset at the throught of being her plan B, when that's what she was to you.
> 
> According to you your last gf dumped you and she was "next on your list".
> 
> ...


She dumped the married man after she met me. I only dated her after I got dumped.So she was happily continuing an affair with him, then she met me, then decided to hop on to me and dump married man but keep him as platonic friends.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

A few thought...

" I want to be a man that she loves and wants to have sex with even if I'm married with kids. " From what I have read you ain't that guy...sorry.

By not 'closing the deal" in the hotel room you showed her that you are very polite/passive in the bedroom, and you are correct the OM wasn't either of those. She may not like how she was with the OM and is not going to "act ****ty" anymore, you are just the unlucky guy to hook up with her after her come to Jesus moment.

I'm afraid the OM knew how to push your buttons and did it flawlessly.

If you are not married move on - there is too much anger in you now. I am sure that when / if she did turn it up a few notches by sending sexy selfies, sexting and jumping your bones all the time you'd trigger badly because you'd say that she's acting like she did with OM.
Back off from her for a few months and maybe you can restart in a better mindset. Or maybe you both will find someone who is a better match.

Know when to say when...


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

RoseAglow said:


> I do believe that relationships are based on love, but real love takes time to grow.
> 
> You are not married. You are not even close to "For richer, for poorer, through better, through worse."
> 
> ...


who knows, maybe she would have told me when we'd been together longer. But no, she keeps married man around as a chat buddy and exposes my information, my workplace and my job to her dear chat buddy. Oh... but he's my soulmate. 
So now I have to hear from another man about this, with photos to rub salt into the wound. 
Then she wonders why I get pissed.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

And can anybody explain the hypocrisy and double standard of former other women? Why they only allow certain men to have two women , but when it comes to their own proper relationship, they suddenly expect fidelity from their partner?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Yes, she is a bad match for you. One major boundary that many people stick to is, "no contact with ex-lovers", and she broke that. Many people would never date a prior other man or woman, or someone who cheated in a prior relationship. There are reasons for this.

I disagree that former other women think some men should be allowed to have more than one woman. Most OW truly hate being the OW, they do not want to be the OW and do not plan on being one forever, they believe their MM when he says that he is not sleeping with his wife and is miserable and is just waiting for the right time to leave. Being an OW is devastating to most of them. 

I hope that your job is not put at risk over this. Again, you're not married, so hopefully anyone would realize that you had the bad luck to date someone with a questionable past and understand that you ended the relationship as soon as you found out.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Now it seems that what is bothering you more than the fact that your GF was carrying an affair with a married man, is that she loved him in more sexual and intimate ways than she did with you. You came to realize that she chose you because you are a reliable man (while he is clearly not). But you want more from the relationship than she has offered you. BREAK UP WITH HER, and stop your whining and abuse.

Unless all parties are consenting to have multiple partners in a relationship, it is morally wrong to cheat on your partner. Emotional and verbal abuse is also morally wrong. In fact, while there are no laws against cheaters, there are laws in place against abusive people, because there is no excuse for abuse (I'm not saying that there are excuses for cheating--NONE). 

Have the self-respect to end this relationship and stop abusing this woman. You didn't get what you want from her or from the relationship, end it there and move on.

Also, seek therapy and counseling. You need to work on yourself before starting any new relationship. There is nothing attractive about a bitter and abusive man with low self confidence.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

mclee said:


> And can anybody explain the hypocrisy and double standard of former other women? Why they only allow certain men to have two women , but when it comes to their own proper relationship, they suddenly expect fidelity from their partner?


Selfish people (and this isn't limited to women - men behave this way too) want what they want, and don't care who it hurts. In this case, your girlfriend wanted casual sex with this married man, so it didn't matter to her that he was married at all. She was getting what she wanted - crazy sneaky exciting sex, with none of the tedium of living together and commitment. But when he wanted more than she was willing to give (marriage to her once his wife was out of the way) she was gone.

Now, she has you, a monogamous boyfriend, which is what she apparently wants now.

So, she approved of the married man's cheating because it benefited her. And now she wants your fidelity because it benefits her.

You are coming at this all wrong. She isn't a hypocrite. She didn't allow this married guy something she isn't allowing you. She got what she wanted out of the other guy, and now she is getting what she wants out of you.

And women don't 'allow' men anything. She has her boundaries, which vary per person she deals with, and you have yours. Or rather, you don't seem to have any boundaries. I suggest you develop some. Personally, I'd dump her. She's selfish, dishonest, and willing to destroy marriages for her own gain. It's a terrible combination in a significant other.

The last thing you should be considering is dropping to her level of sleaze to try to teach her a lesson. It won't accomplish that, but it will turn you into a cheating *******.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

mclee said:


> And can anybody explain the hypocrisy and double standard of former other women? Why they only allow certain men to have two women , but when it comes to their own proper relationship, they suddenly expect fidelity from their partner?


Are you for real? Are you a doctor? I hope not, because the thought of that is pretty scary.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

mclee said:


> She dumped the married man after she met me. I only dated her after I got dumped.So she was happily continuing an affair with him, then she met me, then decided to hop on to me and dump married man but keep him as platonic friends.


Oh, without a doubt it's ridiculous for her to have any contact at all with him.....its quite reasonable for you to dump her for that. 

I know all too well what it's like to have a spouse with poor e'd boundaries. Wouldn't advise anyone to put up with it. 

But what you're looking for isn't possible with her, so punishing her for it only makes you a jerk. She has her own issues, but you only control you....think carefully about the kind of man you want to be. 

And if she dumped married guy for you and your ex dumped you, then she's far more of a plan B then you are. She chose you.... you're with her because you got dumped.

FWIW I think it's a great thing that you're sticking around here and discussing things....a lot of people can't handle this.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

She knows that if she leaves, she IS gonna get a scarlet letter.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/358121-anyone-post-ow-shes-homewrecker-com.html


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## the Whittler (Apr 10, 2018)

mclee said:


> She knows that if she leaves, she IS gonna get a scarlet letter.


Are you using threats to keep her? 

You're really reaching a point lower than any cheater.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

mclee said:


> i didn't want to know her past, but it got dumped on me.
> 
> Dating a woman for almost six months now. She's never been married, and neither have i. We hit it off right away and after three months, i met her parents.
> About 3 months into our dating, i get a letter from some stranger , claiming to be a married man who was having an affair with my gf . According to the letter the affair was short distance, and she had been confronted by the man's pregnant wife before, but affair continued on. Then the guy's baby girl was born and he decided to break up. But they still continued meeting up after she moved to my town. So they maintained a long distance affair over a few years, up until she met me and decided to break up with him. He wasn't happy because he sacrificed his marriage and proposed to her but still got denied. He then decided to have his revenge by exposing her past to me after snooping around her social media , finding me , then sending me the letter , screenshots and sexy selfies that she had taken. I was quite traumatized. My gf admitted it when confronted with it.
> ...


run run run run run run run run run: The redqueen has initiated counter measures, do not look back...


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

the Whittler said:


> Are you using threats to keep her?
> 
> You're really reaching a point lower than any cheater.


I'm not gonna actively blab. But if anybody from our circle asks me, I'm not gonna lie for her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

mclee said:


> She knows that if she leaves, she IS gonna get a scarlet letter.


Dude, just think this through. What is your end-game?

There's no way you should end up with this woman. As pointed out, she is party to an affair as the other woman with low morals. Why would you marry that? 

I also agree that it is VITAL that you be the one that flips her switch sexually, and from the difference between the way she reacts to you and her former lover, you clearly run a distant second (or worse) here. Why would you marry that?

So, if you are not going to marry her, and therefore there is no long-term future here, WHY WASTE YOUR TIME? Move on.

Really, you can do better. Life is short, and spending further time with her is just "throwing good money after bad", so to speak (figuratively).

Don't waste your time with revenge schemes. It just makes your time to be free of her all that more delayed.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Selfish people (and this isn't limited to women - men behave this way too) want what they want, and don't care who it hurts. In this case, your girlfriend wanted casual sex with this married man, so it didn't matter to her that he was married at all. She was getting what she wanted - crazy sneaky exciting sex, with none of the tedium of living together and commitment. But when he wanted more than she was willing to give (marriage to her once his wife was out of the way) she was gone.
> 
> Now, she has you, a monogamous boyfriend, which is what she apparently wants now.
> 
> ...


What you described is the exact definition of double-standards (applying one standard of conduct to a married man, and another to me)
and hypocrisy (tolerating some kind of bad behaviour when it benefits them, but not when they suffer because of similar behaviour in others)


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Are you for real? Are you a doctor? I hope not, because the thought of that is pretty scary.


Care to address my argument? How is this not hypocrisy and double standards?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mclee said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Are you for real? Are you a doctor? I hope not, because the thought of that is pretty scary.
> ...


Whether it is hypocrisy,double standards,a bait and switch or anything else you care to mention,why are you still participating in this relationship when you seem to actually hate your girlfriend. 
Why allow yourself to be dragged into a relationship that has no happy outcome. 
Do you hate yourself also or is your self esteem so low you think she is as good as you will ever get. 
You say you are a medical professional but your behavior, and your comments on this thread show serious immaturity more in keeping with a frustrated teenager.


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## mclee (Jun 9, 2018)

RoseAglow said:


> Y
> 
> I disagree that former other women think some men should be allowed to have more than one woman. Most OW truly hate being the OW, they do not want to be the OW and do not plan on being one forever, they believe their MM when he says that he is not sleeping with his wife and is miserable and is just waiting for the right time to leave. Being an OW is devastating to most of them.
> .


They want to believe that the married man doesn't have sex with his wife. But yet they have affairs lasting years with the wife giving birth to children in the meantime. Do they go 'OMG, he's having sex with his wife still. He's cheating on me! He promised that he was only sleeping with me!' Or do they continue the affair because they're so attrracted to him?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

mclee said:


> They want to believe that the married man doesn't have sex with his wife. But yet they have affairs lasting years with the wife giving birth to children in the meantime. Do they go 'OMG, he's having sex with his wife still. He's cheating on me! He promised that he was only sleeping with me!' Or do they continue the affair because they're so attrracted to him?


Truthfully I couldn't care less about any of this and you are really starting to bore me. All of this is just meaningless drivel. The ONLY issue that maters here is that she willingly and knowingly had the moral character to have sex with a married man. She knew they were husband and wife, didn't care and chose to have this ongoing relationship with him. 

If you are stupid enough to let a woman like that into your life, your heart, your bedroom than you deserve any misery that comes with it. I respect you less for making her your girlfriend. Your standards are so screwed up there is no helping you. "Oh but my mistress girlfriend doesn't like me as much as the cheating married man she was having a long affair with" You've got to be kidding me. Dump this trash and find a woman with character and faithfulness. You keep this horrible person in your life than you deserve whatever misery is coming your way.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mclee said:


> You are aware that inability to consummate a marriage is grounds for divorce, right? Sex is not the entireity of a relationship, yes I know . But it is just manifestly unfair and disrespectful of her to see me as marriage/boyfriend material and reserve her wild sexual side for an extramarital affair. If she was serious about me, she would love me in all ways, including sexual.


Blablablablabla. What a manchild you are.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I like the married man more than I like you too....


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP whatever sympathy there was from your opening posts has dried up quite quickly.

Think about why that happened.


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