# Sex for Drugs



## unwilling participant (Mar 31, 2013)

Hi 

For me it was just a bad week, my car broke down I had to get a new transmission, it really sucked because husband and I were down to one car for a year now, so I had to take a cab to work to the late shift, I got out of the cab that morning and must have dropped my phone somewhere. I couldn't find my phone so I asked CS if I could use theirs he handed it over, a call came through a name I had saw once or twice before the name had a five in front of it like the names of people from this company he used o work for, so 5michelle calls I ask about it he said oh ignore that just team sales training calls he is still on someones list.

I though it was odd but I was distraught over losing my phone. I tried calling my number and someone picked up but didn't say anything, so I thought damn someone has my phone and I will probably never see it again, then a test message appeared it says "hey baby where are you?" I looked at it in disbelief and noticed it was from 5michelle by now my heart is racing and hand is shaking a bit.

I tried to school my features so he wouldn't get tipped off and grab the phone so I text back "I am at home" response came back quickly "call me" so I said "what's up" so maybe this person would spill some specifics that would be indisputable, by then my husband looks at my face he must have sensed something wrong he says who are you texting, so I handed him the phone. He immediately went into liar mode, oh this person obviously is texting the wrong person by mistake, so I said how can that be the case when I have seen this person call your phone several times they have to have gotten your voice mail when they called and there was no answer so in order for them to text right after they had to know who they are looking for, at this point he is trying to stay calm he says look I will text the person and ask if they have the wrong number, he sent out a text.


Meanwhile I went on our cell providers sight to check how often that number has called and how many minutes were those calls from someone he doesn't talk to, he shows me a text back from her that says sorry wrong number, but our call details go back 90 days and the number popped up often so I wrote down all the dates and times and went back there is no way you are denying this and now I am numb angry shocked dissapointed spinning, but I ask him to tell me the truth you cant deny it did you meet this person at a sales meeting is this someone you work with did she hit on you and you guys are flirting back and forth, he says no he gave her the 5 title so I would think it was sales related which I did when I saw it several times before, but he never changed his behavior and our relationship seemed good.

I asked him to just tell me what happened lets put it in the open and talk like adults he said it's nothing believe me it's lower than nothing you don't have to worry means nothing to me, I said then why is this person calling you baby he said it was a person going through a divorce needed a shoulder to lean on and I said have you had sex with this person, he hesitated I said that would be a yes, then he turns on the I don't want to hurt you I never thought you would find out, I said we have two small children 1yr and 3yrs old a twenty year relationship and a ten year marriage was it worth it to tear it apart, he said no he felt sooo guilty and terrible, but I said if I had not intercepted that call you wouldn't have said anything, he said he has been trying to stop I said whats holding you back are you in love with this person he said hell no, so I said who is she he said he met her outside a restaurant she said she was stranded and needed a ride because her husband stormed off and left her he said he decided to help her and bought her some food he took her home they talked about the husband and somehow she offered him sex???

He says he declined at that time but took her number, she continued calling him and he would pick her up after taking my son to school in my car and take her to get marijuana I was floored I literally felt my knees buckle we don't drink we don't smoke where did drugs come into play, I said are you doing drugs he oooh nooo no no no I would take her there to pick this up and she would have sex with me, he would also give her money for the drugs then take her home but she didn't want to do it in her house because she said the children were in there, so they would do it on the back porch, he said it wasn't passionate he didn't touch her she would give him oral sex with a condom on and he would have sex with her doggy style with the same condom this is soo out of character for the man I knew him to be we were the Zen couple doing everything together our names came out like oneword to people who knew us and I thought we were very happy.

He said he needed the ego boost he had gained some weight and his business was not going well and he was being selfish, he said you are always tired we only do it twice a week on weekends when you are off work, yes I work nights and when I come home I have the babies and household chores it is much easier on the weekend when I don't have to work, he said he was tired of jerking off and to him this was the remedy it was just like jerking off, but when I probed further he admitted to providing the woman with self help books as he is known to do with many of our friends and family if this was a cash or drug relationship why are you listening to her cry on your shoulder or trying to help her.

I cant believe he could be that heartless and use this addict like this he always tries to help people, he said she called him when she needed drugs and he would take her there have sex, not wash or anything and then pick my son up from school, he said it has been going on for three months about and I am thinking of the many times we have had sex and how many other people is this woman using for drugs, is he that stupid , that gullible, that reckless, that heartless???

She knew about me, she covered up the lie with him quickly on the text so there was a bond, I asked if he touched her kissed her groped her body he said she would often have a jacket on but later he admitted she was an A cup how would you know that. He took a picture of her id and had it in his phone I said why did you do that he said just in case anything happened, so you didn't trust what was happening but you did it anyway....and I cant get rid of the numbness and nagging question why why why why why......


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## unwilling participant (Mar 31, 2013)

spinning


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

I believe him when he says there are no feelings actually. Let's call it what it is ... prostitution. They are using each other.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Sorry your here!


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## unwilling participant (Mar 31, 2013)

I appreciate the replies, I dont understand how he can go outside the marriage behind my back with this horrible person and come back to our house like nothing ever happened, he keeps trying to laugh with me play with the kids talk about trivial things, I dont think I can ever go back it is so sad to think our relationship is so permanently changed in such a negative way, its been three days and I am still numb and then I have crying fits and then I am angry as hell but then I am still in this house I dont know what to do, I just ignore him and play with my kids cook clean get ready for work, I dont know what to do? I do need to get STD testing he is the only man I have ever been with and now I am broken inside, 

I am sorry I am here as well very sorry


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Sending hugs your way.

STD test is a must. The newbie link has a lot of good information. Everything you are feeling is very normal. 

It seems like your WH just wants this to go away, that is rug sweeping and it's not okay. If he has no consequences, he is more likely to do this again. It is hard at the beginning, but you need to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Find your courage and strength. Get angry! Getting angry doesn't mean yelling at him, but you need to get angry to get yourself out of the shock and sadness and into action.

Sorry you are here. There are a lot of people here who have been where you are right now and will help you through it.

http://http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here, but believe me, you have come to the right place. Most of us have been through your situation, on one side or the other, some from both.

You will get great advice on how to handle things. Some of it may seem to be the opposite of what you think you should do, but the advice is based on hard won experience. Almost everybody wants to help you do what is best for you and your kids, please keep that in mind as you evaluate what you read.

First thing I will say, this is not your fault, not in the slightest. He made the choice to cheat, and he alone did that.

Second, don't believe 1 word out of his mouth. Cheaters are liars. They are manipulators. They are selfish. They do not have empathy, they cannot put themselves in your place, so don't expect or ask them to.

Do not have sex with him. Get tested for studs. Insist he get tested, I'd demand a drug screen too, since he threw it into the mix.

It is too early perhaps to decide if you want to divorce or not over this. You would be perfectly justified if you did. But, if you want to give your marriage a chance at survival there are some things you need to do. 

You must be willing to lose the marriage to have a chance to save it.

You should spyware his phone. There are threads on here about this. 

You should keylog your computer. You want to catch any unknown accounts on email or social media.

You should get a voice activated recorder and secure it in his car.

Those steps will ensure you can verify his actions and words without his knowledge. This can be important.

Google the 180, reference Michelle Weiner Davis to get the correct info. Implement it. You want to detach a bit, so you can make good decisions, and you will become better prepared for any eventuality.

You'll want to stop the affair dead. You probably need to do this because your husband is probably an addict to the brain chemicals involved, and therefore incapable of doing what he must on his own right now. Find out who she is, find her husband and tell him. Take proof with you. That is the most effective way to kill the affair.

Demand he go No Contact. In writing, a letter he gives to you for approval and delivery. (mail it, email it, whatever, but don't send it from your phone or email, she will be mad when you expose her). Cheaters are bad at taking responsibility for their own actions.

I would seriously consider kicking him out. Hit him with consequences, hard consequences!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I think if I were him I would not only hate that I've hurt you but I would also be completely embarrassed.

Do not let him rug sweep. You need to come down on him hard. He might not even take this seriously; I would guess he's compartmentalized it. In his mind, he didn't cheat while he was cheating. There was no chance for intimacy. It was just sex. It was a transaction. Well, it wasn't just sex for you and he needs to understand what he's done to your marriage.

I'm typing this thinking ... that is just gross. This woman is a hooker. Does she walk the streets when her regulars aren't available?


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## unwilling participant (Mar 31, 2013)

I also am totally disgusted by this behavior I suggested he was compartmentalizing the situation as well, he has said he didnt think it was as bad as other people we know people who he has given advice to because they chose the cheating over their spouse he says he did this knowing he would never leave his family for this person. But he doesn't realize that this was way worse to me because it is dangerous and ridiculous, we are suburbanites, middle class, educated individuals, I don't understand how in the world he would even possibly think it was ok, he maybe conning me. 


He says I don't want to lose my family I love you I want to do anything to make it up he starts cleaning the house, he put down tile in the bathroom something he has been putting off forever, I left the first day he called and text me all day saying come back lets get remarried lets start over lets renew our vows, I came back because I left my children with him. Now I have to plan out how to move forward right now I am not speaking to him at all and he is sleeping in the spare room.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Don't make any decisions now. Take some time. Back off from him, see what he does.

Don't agree to renewing vows - not now. If you choose to try to save your marriage that can come in the future, when you have rebuilt a new marriage, because your old one is broken.

It hurts right now - so very badly! In a few weeks, that awful raw pain will ease and you will be able to think more clearly. Then you make the decision whether you want to try to save the marriage or not. His behaviour will decide that for you.

Read all the newbie links you'll find hereabout.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get him drug tested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Definitely don't agree to any of HIS requests - and you should be making DEMANDS. He needs to show REAL remorse, and help you, unselfishly, through all of the emotional turmoil you will go through in the coming months (and years!). THEN, and only then, might you be gracious enough to forgive him and move your marriage forwards. Do NOT let him minimize or downplay this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whether you go back to him, is up to you---BUT if you do R---then you MUST, make this an extremely HARSH AND TUFF, lesson for him

Stay in his face, and DO NOT SHOW HIM ANY OF YOUR OWN EMOTION---you have to be HARD AS NAILS---he must understand, there are heavy consequences, for what he has done

It has to be to the point where if you say jump---he says how hi---its just that simple----he must show accountability---true remorse, and become an open book to you


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One of the posters here is an admitted serial cheater (very bad) who has 'seen the light.' He posted verification of what we all seem to believe is the right response when you bust an affair. You pay attention to three things:

- Expose the affair. Make sure it is stopped and the OWH and your family and friends are informed.

- Consequences. Kick him out. Make it clear that there will be no rugsweeping & that divorce is a very real option.

- Control. You take control. Don't just respond or react to him. Take some quiet time to make a plan for what you will do.

I would recommend that you tell him that he has lied and betrayed you for a long time now. He has taken you for a fool, but you are not a fool. If he wanted a divorce, he should have talked to you about it instead of lying to you & hurting and betraying you. You are now going to take your time deciding what you will do. You may well want to divorce him. If he wants a divorce, he can tell you now; otherwise he will have to wait to hear what you've decided after you have had time to think and consult with people you trust.

When/after you tell him this, you stay as COOL as ice. You are all business. You force yourself to stay in complete control. You don't cry or break down in front of him. Tell him you are consulting a lawyer and then do it.

These are not strategies. You can't possibly know right now how you are going to feel in the long run. People always regret jumping to reconciliation, especially since their WS's are lying, lying, lying at every turn. You don't want to agree to your future based on a pack of lies.

So, stay cold and in control. Expose. Decide what his immediate consequences are and follow through. Don't waffle. Be strong, no matter how awful you feel inside.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> One of the posters here is an admitted serial cheater (very bad) who has 'seen the light.' He posted verification of what we all seem to believe is the right response when you bust an affair. You pay attention to three things:
> 
> - Expose the affair. Make sure it is stopped and the OWH and your family and friends are informed.
> 
> ...


Great post. 100% in agreement with you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

unwilling participant said:


> I also am totally disgusted by this behavior I suggested he was compartmentalizing the situation as well, he has said he didnt think it was as bad as other people we know people who he has given advice to because they chose the cheating over their spouse he says he did this knowing he would never leave his family for this person.


No one, even serial cheaters, think their indiscretion is as bad as another person's problems. If he brings it up again, tell him "No, it isn't, because now we are those people."

It is always easier to condemn from the outside looking in.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

unwilling participant said:


> I also am totally disgusted by this behavior I suggested he was compartmentalizing the situation as well, he has said he didnt think it was as bad as other people we know people who he has given advice to because they chose the cheating over their spouse he says he did this knowing he would never leave his family for this person.


My WH also said this to me - it's a load of BS. He was in his A with a much older co-worker and he was getting his drugs (pills) from her. Fact is, it doesn't matter if they would leave us for the OW. Doesn't matter if they didn't feel love or "soul mate" BS, they were getting something out of it or they wouldn't have jeoprodized their family for a roll in the hay. He needs to look extra hard at himself if this is the case IMHO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to say, but at this point you cannot believe the story he gave you about the other woman (OW). Cheaters lie up a storm. They tell their betrayed spouse (BS) whatever they think the BS will believe and be least likely to leave them for.

Basically he cast this as "just" using a prostitute, someone he has to feelings for. 

If i were you I'd call her and ask her to please talk to you. Ask her how long this affair has been going on. Also ask her how often they met up. After a while, if her story does not match his, tell her what he told you... if he's told her that he is in love with her and there is an emotional connection she will most likely start spilling the beans out of anger that he told you not-so nice things about her.

My husband told lies as well. It was not until I got the truth from the OW and I was able to challenge his lies that he started to tell the truth. 

If you call her, do not warn him that you are going to do it.

Also find out every thing you can about her. After you get all the info out of her you can inform her husband. Shoot record your phone call (check your state laws on this) and send the husband the recording.

Your husband has to end all contact with this woman right now. He has to send her a no contact letter. You can find samples of them here. And then you need to be with him when it's sent off to her.

You will need ways to verify whether or not he has ended contact with her. YOur husband has a car he's driving, right? Hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Use velcro to attach it to a hidden surface, like under the front seat. Most people who cheat talk to their affair partner while commuting to and from work and driving around for errands.

I also suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

unwilling participant said:


> Hi
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There are ways to recover text messages. I am not that savvy but maybe someone here will chime in. 

Absolutely do not trust him. Key logger or voice activated recorder or both - find out what you can instead of buying his story. Cheaters always minimize,.

They've already gone into cover-up mode and will get their story straight so you have to be 007 on this if you really want to get to the bottom of it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I hate to bring this up, but since your H seems to think this was OK as long as you didn't find out and he had no intention of leaving his family for her, you need to dig deeper to see how often he has done this, i.e., this may well not be his first affair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He just told he's "just" a cake eater, wich it's no the same as leaving your wife for another woman. How can it possibly be better beyond the alternate universe of a huge cake eater?
The above poster is right. Unlike the first time. Cake eating is his normal, completaly internalized and justified in his mind.
Dig deeper.


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