# Lost and confused



## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

Hi, I am new to this forum and just wanted to post my situation. I will start by saying my wife and I are separated and I was a horrible husband. We have been together 14 years and 9 yrs married with a 4 1/2 year old little girl. This whole marriage has been pretty one-sided and she have and gave and I never gave back. She loved me unconditionally and I was always a closed book. We would often talk about me not being very emotional and things but I was also selfish and disrespectful at times. I always took the tough guy line and now I am alone, having lost my family and my home. The signs have been there the last few months and we even talked about things being different with me but of course I just gave a little but never changed. 2 wks before we separated we had a passionate weekend,(date, family time, good sex) and she even said it was the perfect weekend. But that just gave me security to act like an ass again I think? She said she wants to separate 3 wks ago. I was home 2 wks and now one week with a friend. Well my world came crashing down that day and it made me step back and really change. I have been in therapy to figure out some deep rooted issues about myself, (parental abandonment, never new my parents, and some sexual abuse as a child). And I just always thought I was strong and tough but just pushed the closest ones away? I am forever changed by this experience and I am finding awareness and how to love myself and my wife. But she is now so hurt and I don't k know if I will get another chance. When I was at the house she said I didn't give her space that she wanted to be away from me for a while. She is not wearing her ring and doesnt want me to wear mine. Since I have been out of house it has been more friendly for us through texts and me picking up my daughter to be with her. I know I have read that she can love me again and she needs time and I need to gain respect back and try to whoo her again and try to date as friends or whatever. I am so confused because minutes seem like hours and hours like days? I am leaving work In a couple hours and want to ask her to dinner next week just to talk as friends, not about us? I still feel there might be love left because it was only a couple weeks before this happened we both let our guard down and had a great weekend but don't k is where to turn now?? Any advice from women or anybody. I am working on my issues so I can be the man that she never had and I know I can give her the attention she lacked , but don't know if it's too late ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Good for you , nothing beats failure like a try ;o) good luck on being a better person with more insight.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> When I was at the house she said I didn't give her space that she wanted to be away from me for a while. *She is not wearing her ring and doesn't want me to wear mine*.


*HUGE RED FLAG*.

You would be wise to investigate if she has another man on the side. Many spouses who request for a separation do so they can fully explore their affair out in the open. Their mindset is "separate=being single" and not wearing their marriage ring is a symbol of their new status.

Don't fall for this separation crap and grow a pair by telling her that you will not put your life indefinitely on hold for her while she goes out and lives like a single woman. Tell her that you will be filing for divorce. If she still has any love left for you, she may start to panic and try to negotiate with you but stand tall and firm on this a non-negotiable term regarding separation. She either wants to remain married or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you will have saved a whole lot of time pursuing a woman who has completely checked out of the marriage.

If you don't do this I can almost guarantee that you will go through hell like so many others that have been in your shoes.

Golden rule to etch in your consciousness *No one is attracted to an emotionally weak person - more so women*.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Perdao-
Take this how you will, but you may be in this situation for a long while. There is no easy fix. A lot of us here have been in/are in the same exact scenario as you...spouse left, gave reasons (maybe unclear to you/us), wants space, wants out, you/we are devastated b/c we would have never thought it would come to this, you/we change and then want to prove it to our spouse.

The problem is that nothing can be genuinely changed in only 3 weeks. Yes, you may have realized things that you have gotten wrong, or things she has gotten wrong...and things both of you _together _have gotten wrong, but just taking notice and acknowledging those things doesn't change a whole lot in an individual. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been in therapy? Have you two gone together? Has she gone alone? It's important that in order to change anything in yourself, start looking at yourself a lot more closely. Not so much in terms of what happened in the marriage, but what happened to you as a person. Who did you become since the day you got married? Is that the man you had always wanted to be? You've got to find out who the real you is. 

Sadly, before you can do that, you have to let go of her for now and quit pursuing. From personal experience, it only pushes them further and further away. Anyone on this board will tell you that. Also, the 180 is helpful...but use it for yourself. Do not use it to 'win' her back. You letting go of her for now may or may not give her the space she needs and/or the opportunity to see what she doesn't have anymore. Unfortunately for us, it's their decision in the end and we have to live with that regardless of the outcome.

You said that things were sounding better through recent texts with her. I would not look too far into that. She could be happy to be away from you for a change. Don't confuse any happier tones with the idea of her wanting to reconcile so quickly. It's not out of the question, and if you do I'll personally give you an award for luckiest SOB in the world. But the truth of the matter is that in order for you two to find out what you really want out of yourselves/life/each other, you have to do the hard work and learn patience like your existence depends on it. 

I only say these things b/c I am speaking from experience. My wife of 9 yrs left in March. Left me an absolutely miserable and broken man who had no idea who he'd become at that point. I've gone through hell and back about 2.5 times and had to detach completely from her by letting her go. Did I give up on our marriage? Absolutely not. But I realized that letting her go was the only way I could focus solely on myself and get the help I needed from so many others. I still hope that she is using this time to find out who she is and what she wants in life. But I know that the tremendous amount of time I've put into myself since has taken my previous self/lifestyle and changed it to what I've wanted it to be for a very long time...just never realizing it. Keep in mind I did NOT change for her. At first, that was a driving force...that I thought I could fix everything that went wrong and things would be better. That was not the case at all. Time is your enemy at first b/c you see those hours pass like weeks. Your life comes to a standstill and you hear that deafening silence around you. But immerse yourself in YOURSELF and see if that time starts to speed up. 

You won't get her to see any changes by telling her what you've done. Nor will she believe that the changes are for real (hence, change in 3 weeks is near impossible). Put in the time. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, especially if you know she no longer wears her rings. I would hesitate to text her often as you may have been doing. Give her a reason to think abut you once in a while on her own. The reason may be that you AREN'T always there. She may miss that in time...especially b/c you two and your daughter were a family unit not too long ago. If you talk to her, focus on your DAUGHTER only. And sound peaceful & content, not overly happy.

This is just a start for you if she is serious about what has happened. Take SMALL steps to a greater ending -- whatever that ending might be. You can't rebuild this in a day. I've been wearing your shoes for a long time now, as have many others on this site. We learn and grow each day to be the better person. But it's up to our spouse to take notice of, want & be willing to work in order for anything to be achievable.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*The 180 degree rules* are not meant to be used as a manipulation tool to get your wife back. They are an empowering tool to give you the necessary emotional strength to move on with your life, with or without your wife. 

Often, though not always, the walk away spouse starts taking steps towards the left behind spouse - applying the 180 degree rules - after he/she is showing signs of being happy and moving on with his/her life. But this is a side effect that should not be expected and definitely not the main expectation of the 180 degree rules which is your emotional healing and strength to move on with life.


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you "lost and trying". I cant believe people take the time and respond like this so quickly. Thanks for all the advice, and you are right, I need to change for myself and that doesnt happen overnight but i definaltly see things more clearer now. I will continue to keep my ground as long as i can. all the texts the last week have ben initiated by her about our daughter mostly. And as far as another man. I wouldnt say no there isnt but the first night she sprung this on me I said is there someone else and she said "thats the last thing" but i know it could be possibility? She said she didnt want to go to counseling but i still went to get answers for myself. I know this is a long road but i am determined to live out loud no matter which road I end up on?


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Sounds like she has checked out of the marriage. Very similar to my situation...even about what she said in your last post. Strongly advise you start the 180 plan for *you*.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

PERDAO said:


> And as far as another man. I wouldn't say no there isn't but the first night she sprung this on me I said is there someone else and she said "that's the last thing" but i know it could be possibility? She said she didn't want to go to counseling but i still went to get answers for myself. I know this is a long road but i am determined to live out loud no matter which road I end up on?


Don't expect that she's going to tell you the truth about another man in her life being the reason why she wants to leave you. Cheaters lie and often practice what we call 'trickle truth' where they give you the whole story in bits and pieces that you have to drag out of them.

As far as counseling is concerned, IF she's having an affair it is a complete waste of time and dangerous because she can use it to validate that the marriage is over.

Do *The 180 degree rules* for YOU.


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

I guess I don't understand about the counseling and her validating the marriage is over. From my counseling or hers? Should I confront her about another man bluntly to see what she says?? There is alot of reasons for her to leave me but we really have t talked yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I say don't confront. I did just that, but I had proof and it made him evil. I already knew there was someone else so all it did was fuel the fire. 

The only time I would bring it up, is if she tells you she is ready to move forward in your marriage. A marriage is between 2 people, not 3 and then insist on her cutting all contact.

She may need some time away. Give it to her. She is going to do what she is going to do.

I have also been doing the 180. It is slowly helping me move forward. I am also in couseling. 

This is a long and painful process. Stay strong and focus on you and your child.


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## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

morituri said:


> *HUGE RED FLAG*.
> 
> You would be wise to investigate if she has another man on the side. Many spouses who request for a separation do so they can fully explore their affair out in the open. Their mindset is "separate=being single" and not wearing their marriage ring is a symbol of their new status.
> 
> ...


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

well, heres the latest. i picked up my daughter this last weekend and found out that she went to zoo then next day to beach with another man and his 2 daughters. They met at both places (didnt drive together) and when i confronted her she said another man was the absolute last thing this is about, and he was a friend. I know this guy is a few months separated from his wife and he works with my wife.(large corparation). so the next day i was thinking this was heading for divorce and then her dad calls me and she was there talking to him and he said she was crying her eyes out and told him there was a chance for us but she couldnt go back to the way it was.. so i had lunch with her tuesday in between me moving into an appartment and i said we have to be honest with each other and we talked for an hour. she cried a little and we talked about things and she said she thought there might be a chance? She looked me in the eye and said she has always been faithful and promised me she would not have my daughter around this guy and she wouldnt either. I thought things looked promising. I then get the email bomb yesterday morning that said that with our dog being back at house that she hates the dog and it brought back alot of negative memories and seeing some of my stuff gone it might shock her but it relieved her and she wants us to file for divorce. It is shockingly easy to her to write about selling the house and splitting assets and sharing laughs in the future at our daughters functions. i of course got the "i love u but not in love with u". This whole process has happened in 3 wks and I know of 2 lies that she has told to my mother-in-law. the first was about the zoo, she said she was going with a girlfriend and her daughter to her and told me she ran into him there? Her friend and daughter never went. And last week she did not sleep at our house one night. my mother-in-law told me that. But the other day my wife through out the fact the her one girlfiend is having some troubles (which she is) and she has spent a few drunken nights with her. But this whole thing is very fishy they way she is jumping from this whole thing and how turned of she is towards me. I have definately hurt her over the past years but i dont know what to believe. My therapist siad to live with the thought of reconciliation but i can barely function now. I cant keep going on like this. My wife looks through me lie I am not there and it kills me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Dude! Breathe. You will be alright. Things will be alright. Sound silly? I was where you are, and am 25 days away from my divorce court date. Ive been thru hell emotionally, on again, off again, marriage counseling, to watching her continue to text her other man on her cell phone. The sadness brought me to consider ending my own life, but no person, NOT ONE out there alive is worth that.
What helped me to accept it all, was that something in her had changed, and there was nothing that was going to turn her back into the woman that I married long ago. Whether you categorize it as a mental switch, or an emotional flick of the switch, its done, thats what SHE chose, and thereby gave you the right to stop bending over backwards for the relationship. The callousness is absolutely unimaginable, but I know what you mean, my stbxw is stubborn as a mule, and will never allow herself to accept any responsbility simply because of that stubborn attitude. Thats okay with me, thats her problem, thats her illness. If your wife was not this way before, it is what she has become now, and you must address the present situation. 
No one can ever really pinpoint why this sh#t happens but my wife was always the one to tell me that if I were to get involved in another person, or were to fall out of love to please let her know first because her dad cheated on her mom and destroyed their family. Here we are sixteen years later, and she does it to me. 
Give yourself permission to see it as a door opening for you. A door of possibilities beyond what you thought was the pinnacle of your life. No one will ever be able to take your kids away, they will always be yours and will always love their daddy. I have a daughter too, just now starting the 4th grade. Dont let yourself "wallow" in that sadness, as for me, it has been clearly a waste of time. If you get sad let it out. Feel it, if like me you find yourself sitting at work devestated and the tears well up, go thru it, know that it is okay to. It is part of the process of ridding yourself of that pressure.
Envision yourself where you want to be. The happy man with a loving devoted wife, the home you will surely have, the future that WILL BE. Keep the memory of who she has become, and how she has handled herself, not as a grudge, but as a reminder of what she turned into, as opposed to what she was.


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## PERDAO (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you Shaboomafoo. Those are kind words and to take the time to reach out is very heartfelt. Everybody on her knows the gig. Right now I feel like life bankruptcy. I know the tears dry and the pain fades but the process will be the wost time of my life. But I thank people like you who reach out to a stranger and try to get them through.. Thank you.


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