# Thoughts on Dating during Separation



## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

I was hoping to get a discussion going about the idea of dating during separation. 

Backstory: my husband and I were separated for several months but agreed NOT to date others. 

Short version of the story: he DID start dating within weeks of separating, fell in love with another woman, and decided he wanted a divorce. We reconciled 2 months later, but I found out about the other women (there were others: he wasn't dating the woman he left me for exclusively) AFTER we agreed to reconcile. He told me he came back because he loved me, but turns out the other woman dumped him, he hooked up with a couple women casually (one of whom turned out to be totally obsessive, texting him about 50 times a day), and then he realized that he wanted to be with me. 

Things are going pretty well despite the separation drama, but I go back and forth from being furious with him and feeling totally betrayed to feeling understanding and gratitude that perhaps he needed to date in order to appreciate me and the marriage. I've told a few close friends about the situation, and all but one feel that he's a cheat and I should leave him; the friend who thinks his behavior is OK feels that this is typical guy stuff and I should focus on the present and let go of the past. None of them have any personal experience with this, so although I value their opinions, I would love to hear from those who have experienced something similar.

Any thoughts?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Separation = still married...

Was the intent of the separation toward reconciliation? If so, he's been unfaithful toward your intended agreement.

If it's toward divorce, then keep moving forward with divorce.
Actions speak louder than words and his are not saying "I want to reconcile."


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

In order to trust him, he has to be trustworthy. Are you two going through any kind of program that would help get him and the marriage on track? Have the issues that caused the separation been resolved?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If my wife and I were to separate and she went out with another man, and I dont care if it was for an ice-cream cone at dairy queen I would file for divorce. And I mean it!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bettermarriage said:


> Backstory: my husband and I were separated for several months but agreed NOT to date others.


 Though separated, you were in an agreed upon exclusive relationship with him, so yes he is a cheater. You do not have to be married to be in an exclusive realtionship. In fact it is now increasingly common for many couples in exclusive relationship not to marry. You were not married to him when you were engaged. Would you have considered it cheating if you found out he was sleeping around during your entire engagement? Would you have still married him? Cheating is cheating. The fact that he did it in secret means that he knew that it was cheating.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why were you separated?

If you agreed NOT to date I assume that agreement included not having casual sex too, right?

Your husband cheated on you. With more than one woman. For almost the whole time you were apart. Why didn't you kick him out when you found out? You got back together under totally false pretenses. You have every right to be furious and to not trust him. I sure as hell wouldn't trust him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Right. It's not the separation, it's the agreement. 

When I separated, ex agreed not to date and we'd work on "us". Silly me, I believed him. When I figured out that he was sleeping around, making up for all those years of "no strange"..... I quit. 

We stayed separated for 4 years, til I finally could do the divorce without him. But this time there was no agreement except that we were done. No feelings hurt that way.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

bettermarriage said:


> Backstory: my husband and I were separated for several months but agreed NOT to date others.
> 
> he DID start dating within weeks of separating, fell in love with another woman, and decided he wanted a divorce. ?


If my husband did this to me, I would have GRANTED him a divorce.



> We reconciled 2 months later, but I found out about the other women (there were others: he wasn't dating the woman he left me for exclusively) AFTER we agreed to reconcile. He told me he came back because he loved me, but turns out the other woman dumped him, he hooked up with a couple women casually (one of whom turned out to be totally obsessive, texting him about 50 times a day), and then he realized that he wanted to be with me.


So, in a nutshell, he came back to you because he realized he *loves* you? Sorry to say, but I'm not buying it...

It's just a little too 'convenient' that he would suddenly realize he loves YOU AFTER this other woman dumped him. More than likely, you are his 'back up' plan. 



> Things are going pretty well despite the separation drama, but I go back and forth from being furious with him and feeling totally betrayed to feeling understanding and gratitude that perhaps he needed to date in order to appreciate me and the marriage.


I think you're making excuses for his bad behavior. I think the 'proper' response in this case IS to be furious with him. After all, he broke an *important* agreement, and you BOTH seem to be sweeping that FACT under the rug. I'm willing to bet that if you pressed the issue, things wouldn't be going "pretty well" any longer.



> I've told a few close friends about the situation, and all but one feel that he's a cheat and I should leave him; the friend who thinks his behavior is OK feels that this is typical guy stuff and I should focus on the present and let go of the past.


Since WHEN is lying, cheating (yes, he DID cheat!), falling in love with another woman after making an important agreement not to date others while separated "guy stuff"? Your friend seems to be supportive of rug sweeping. Does that mean that rug-sweeping is "woman stuff"? 

IMHO, there's nothing 'wrong' per se with 'dating' during separation _as long as both parties agree to it_. But if both parties agreed to the policy of NO DATING during separation, then neither party should date. If one of the parties wants to change his or her mind, it's up to him or her to discuss this with his or her primary partner BEFORE going on the first date. 

Also, I get the feeling that your h. was probably 'dating' this other woman BEFORE you two agreed to separate.

Vega


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## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

I was afraid of getting responses like this, but they sound very honest and I need honesty. 

Whenever I do push the issue and tell him I'm upset about what he did, he gets very angry and defensive and tends to blame it all on me (saying that the reason he started sleeping with other people and make the decision to divorce is because I was basically not a good wife to him). The sad thing is that I TAKE THE BLAME. I think about all the ways I could be a better wife and start catering to him. Then I get mad later for being such a sucker.

I do agree that at least one of these women was probably in the picture for longer than I know about. I also feel that it doesn't matter anymore, but then I worry about it happening again. Why not? He did it once and doesn't seem to think it was wrong, so why shouldn't he do it again if he has the chance?

Thank you Vega for your very thoughtful and funny comments, which made me laugh, because the women in my family have been cleaning up men's messes for generations. I suppose I'm just doing what I've been taught to do! But I am also doing my rug-sweeping and trying to "forget the past" because he seems genuinely committed now, we are doing pretty well, and things were very bad in our marriage when we decided to separate and he started secretly dating. There were times when I thought about dating too, though I could never bring myself to even flirt with other men while we were separated, let alone date someone. It makes me sick that he did, and then some.

I hate the position I'm in, but I don't want to throw away our 20 years together because of a few months of very bad behavior. What can I do, aside from file for divorce, if he won't acknowledge that what he did was hurtful and damaging? I wish I could make him understand: understanding is what I want more than anything right now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He cheated on you. He's not remorseful for what he's done. I'd say that a "counseling or divorce" ultimatum is in order. You'll get to air out your feelings, hopefully in an environment where he can't turn things back onto you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would he feel if you had "dated" others?

I do not think he would like it.

Have you asked him if he forgot to tell you that you have an open marriage?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that I wouldn't do it at all. All too often, it can summarily be used against you in child custody and/or property division. It definitely won't make you many friends in the court room!*


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bettermarriage said:


> I was afraid of getting responses like this, but they sound very honest and I need honesty.
> 
> Whenever I do push the issue and tell him I'm upset about what he did, he gets very angry and defensive and tends to blame it all on me (saying that the reason he started sleeping with other people and make the decision to divorce is because I was basically not a good wife to him). The sad thing is that I TAKE THE BLAME. I think about all the ways I could be a better wife and start catering to him. Then I get mad later for being such a sucker.


His getting angry is a very big red flag. It almost always indicates that your questions have not been answered truthfully and he wants to scare you away from such questions.

And don't be a sucker. All it does is to encourage him to keep getting angry, keep blaming you, and taking no responsibility. And it also simply delays the inevitable.



> I hate the position I'm in, but I don't want to throw away our 20 years together because of a few months of very bad behavior. What can I do, aside from file for divorce, if he won't acknowledge that what he did was hurtful and damaging? I wish I could make him understand: understanding is what I want more than anything right now.


You won't get it. He's not remorseful, he doesn't care about your pain or about you. File for divorce. You'll probably shock him since he may not think you've got the gumption.

But once he gets served he may scream at you or slam out of the house, or both. In that case you will understand that the marriage is already over and has been for some time.

But he MAY be shocked enough so that he's willing to sit down with you and ask what he can do to save the marriage.

You have a perfect right to demand answers and to demand behavioral changes from him. Remind him that you need to see actions, not just hear words. As far as the other women is concerned, tell him that he is not to contact them at all in any way or there will be a divorce.

And there is nothing wrong with letting him know that being Plan B is not acceptable.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bettermarriage said:


> Whenever I do push the issue and tell him I'm upset about what he did, he gets very angry and defensive and tends to blame it all on me (saying that the reason he started sleeping with other people and make the decision to divorce is because I was basically not a good wife to him). The sad thing is that I TAKE THE BLAME. I think about all the ways I could be a better wife and start catering to him. Then I get mad later for being such a sucker.


He is unwilling to civilly discuss the issues you are upset about. That is not okay.
He blames you for his adultery. If this is the case, you cannot trust him and until he can see that he broke his vows and is responsible for hurting you, things will not improve. If he doesn’t own up to the hurt he has caused you, he is not taking responsibility for his actions.




bettermarriage said:


> I do agree that at least one of these women was probably in the picture for longer than I know about. I also feel that it doesn't matter anymore, but then I worry about it happening again. Why not? He did it once and doesn't seem to think it was wrong, so why shouldn't he do it again if he has the chance?


 You are right to be concerned about this, especially when he conveniently able to blame it on you.




bettermarriage said:


> It makes me sick that he did, and then some.


Of course you are sick over this. You are a normal human being who has been betrayed.




bettermarriage said:


> I hate the position I'm in, but I don't want to throw away our 20 years together because of a few months of very bad behavior. What can I do, aside from file for divorce, if he won't acknowledge that what he did was hurtful and damaging? I wish I could make him understand: understanding is what I want more than anything right now.


He is the one who cheated. He is the one who refuses to own up to it. He is the one who is blaming it on you – the person who was cheated on. Blaming it on you only makes things worse and hurts you more.
You two were separated. What caused that separation to begin with? It doesn’t sound like things were rosy and happy for most of your marriage and then you happily separated and he began to cheat on you.
You apparently do not want to divorce him, but he is hurting you and further damaging your relationship. What you can do is stop taking the blame and start setting some healthy boundaries.
He is not listening to you and he is not repentant for hurting you. That is not due to a lack of understanding. It is due to poor character on his part.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bettermarriage said:


> I suppose I'm just doing what I've been taught to do! But I am also doing my rug-sweeping and trying to "forget the past" because he seems genuinely committed now, we are doing pretty well, and things were very bad in our marriage when we decided to separate and he started secretly dating. There were times when I thought about dating too, though I could never bring myself to even flirt with other men while we were separated, let alone date someone. It makes me sick that he did, and then some.


 When cheaters want an excuse to cheat, they make things bad in their marriage. They stop trying to make things work and start to look for faults. No one is perfect, yet they hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to, because they want their spouse to fail so that they can have a reason to cheat. 



bettermarriage said:


> I hate the position I'm in, but I don't want to throw away our 20 years together because of a few months of very bad behavior. What can I do, aside from file for divorce, if he won't acknowledge that what he did was hurtful and damaging? I wish I could make him understand: understanding is what I want more than anything right now.


 Your husband had the other woman in the waiting in the wings when he separated. He of course wanted you as a backup plan so he told you that you were not allowed to date others while dating secretly behind your back; if he let you date others and you fell in love with someone, you would not be much of a backup plan. Now that he knows that you will not divorce him for "because of a few months of very bad behavior" he will cheat again when the opportunity arises. As for you "throw away our 20 years together", he already threw it away, your just the one willing to pull it out of the trash.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Just curious bettermarriage, but WHOSE idea was it to 'separate' in the first place? Yours or HIS?

Vega


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Since you both agreed to NO DATING, I would be angry and feel betrayed because he BROKE THE AGREEMENT. Doesn't matter if you were separated or not.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

bettermarriage said:


> I was hoping to get a discussion going about the idea of dating during separation.
> 
> Backstory: my husband and I were separated for several months but agreed NOT to date others.
> 
> ...


It sounds like he never really meant the seperation as a temporary thing and wanted a divorce. Sorry to be blunt.


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## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

Vega said:


> Just curious bettermarriage, but WHOSE idea was it to 'separate' in the first place? Yours or HIS?
> 
> Vega


It was his idea to separate, but I agreed because we were both unhappy and I thought it would both give us the opportunity to work our our issues and depressurize the situation. 

I had no idea he wanted to see other people, and I feel so dumb for being so naive and trusting. He was the one who decided to move out and separate, he was the one who decided after a couple of months that it was time for a divorce, and then he decided a few months later to come back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bettermarriage said:


> I had no idea he wanted to see other people, and I feel so dumb for being so naive and trusting. He was the one who decided to move out and separate, he was the one who decided after a couple of months that it was time for a divorce, and then he decided a few months later to come back.


You are not dumb to trust your husband. He was hiding things from you. How could you have known that? He gave you a line about how it would make things better. Naturally you believed he had good intentions. He took advantage of you. He is the one who should feel dumb, not you.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Well- his action tell you loud and clear that he has chosen to leave. That was HIS choice.

He can blame-shift all he wants to try to protect his ego and not appear to be the bad guy, but his actions are self-evident.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I would grant him his space in the form of a divorce. That is essentially what he's done to you already.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you are not willing to divorce, then things won't change. You could try the counseling thing, but again, if it gets you nowhere, then what? If you're not willing to divorce you have no leverage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If you are not willing to divorce, then things won't change. You could try the counseling thing, but again, if it gets you nowhere, then what? If you're not willing to divorce you have no leverage.


I have a similar perspective with a slight twist. I think that a person has to be willing to let go of the other person and to set healthy boundaries. From what I have seen, if one person sets firm, healthy boundaries and doesn't back down, while at the same time treating the other person with respect and basic human decency, the WS will either repent or leave. There is really no way to set healthy boundaries and stick to them if you are not willing to let the relationship go.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He is making you plan B.

HARD.

act accordingly.

YOU did well. Separations with dating are fine AS LONG AS both sides agree it is separation with dating others. He cheated. Long and short.

So he is a cheater AND a liar whose word is worth nothing.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

bettermarriage said:


> I was afraid of getting responses like this, but they sound very honest and I need honesty.
> 
> Whenever I do push the issue and tell him I'm upset about what he did, he gets very angry and defensive and tends to blame it all on me (saying that the reason he started sleeping with other people and make the decision to divorce is because I was basically not a good wife to him). The sad thing is that I TAKE THE BLAME. I think about all the ways I could be a better wife and start catering to him. Then I get mad later for being such a sucker.
> 
> ...


This may or may not work for you....it's somewhat dubious advice...but.

Make him a very special dinner...his favorite and make sure you two are alone, candles everything, make it seem special. After he starts eating start with the conversation.

I feel like I need to come clean on something. Even though you stated how it was okay that we dated other people while we were separated. I told you I didn't date anyone else. I lied. There were a couple guys. It wasn't anything serious, but you weren't here to take care of my womanly needs, so a couple other nice young men stepped in to do so."

Then just sit back and watch his face, and the following explosion.

Don't respond to a single thing he says. After he's calmed down simply ask "it hurts doesn't it...now you might have a remote idea of what I'm feeling. The only difference is my feelings are real....yours are based on a lie. Sorry, but I want a divorce".

The threat of divorce is to enforce the reality to him that he has treated you so badly that you don't want him. You can later choose to R, if he has a wake up call. Odds are he won't though and frankly, you're better off alone.


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