# Can Love Fade???



## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

Can love truly fade? 

Not to pull the I Love You But I am Not In Love With You card but that is kind of where I am at in my marriage. Is it possible to experience true love loss? Maybe secondary to fighting, resentment and maybe just being 2 different people..

To say that we have had a rockie few years would be an understatement but my H seems to be giving the effort but I cant seem to stop thinking that it may be too little too late. I do still love him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just dont love him in the way I think someone should love a spouse. 

Should you put a time frame on how long you are willing to "work" on a marriage without really feeling like things are improving?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It sounds you are in a bad place.. you have built up resentment but you are still willing to BE there.. not leaving him yet.. so long as you wade out the storms.. you can rebuild again.. but you'll have to dig the roots of this resentment up.. get it on the table and find forgiveness and peace again.. 

There have been many who experienced Valleys.. not feeling the love... but waded through... and are happy they did.. I would offer you hope here... But so much depends on working on this together..


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

I'm not sure if it fades so much as changes. In to other types of love, or something else entirely. I always tell people my XW and I grew apart, the reality is that our love just wasn't enough to sustain a marriage. It slowly evolved over time until we realized we were just friends. 

I do agree with what @SimplyAmorous has to say too though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whenever someone says: "But I don't want to hurt him/her" I always think: "Oh, sh*t! What are you planning or what are you expecting to happen that you know will hurt them?"

Sorry. I am just a little cynical.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yep, especially if it isn't fed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes it can fade, people change. Depending on exactly what the issues are/were, the person you are with now may not be the same person that you fell in love with.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Feelings come and go. Personally, I dont buy the 'in love thing'. If two people are willing to work at it, and there is no serious abuse, they should stick it out.
the feelings can come back if the mindset is right.


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## Left arm optimistic (Feb 19, 2016)

I think love can fade for a number of reasons. Sometimes it's almost a random thing as a couple grow differently (from each other) over time. They want different things (short and long term )have different values etc....sometimes these differences can be worked through and other times they can't, or the divisions have already caused too much damage to repair.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hormones fade, love heals.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think when two people love each other, they reinforce each others love. But can fade, and once it does, it will usually fade for both.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*But provided that love does occasionally or historically fade, why then should that foster dishonesty by cheating?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SoBell,

Yes love can fade, but love can also last. It will almost certainly change over time, sometime for the worst, sometimes for the better and all points in between. 

Rather than trying to answer in some obfuscating manner (my answer above), how about giving us more background about your specific situation. TAM works best when we know your story rather than phrased in a purely philosophical inquiry. Do tell, please. We will do our best to be gentle but still honest. Yes, people will answer based on their life experiences, so you need to find that one that fits best to yours. This is the strength of a community like TAM. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@Ikaika, 

I realize my response was strongly worded. Thanks for the heads up. 

I'll make another post to @SoBell's original post here. 

Before I do, I'd like to offer my apology for being so terse and hard line. What Ikaika says is true and I failed to fact check to see if you had another thread, or if this was your first post. 

I also realize that you very possibly could be an abuse survivor, in which case, my post would be totally inappropriate. At that time, I did not consider that. 

I realize that there is an Abuse thread just started here with great information and it may have drawn you here. It did not occur to me before that post. 

I am sorry. 

I'll delete that post and start over.



Re: Can Love Fade??? 




> Quote:
> 
> Originally Posted by SoBell View Post
> 
> ...



In cases where there is abuse, it's important to get out as quickly and safely as possible. There are agencies that can help. There are also members at TAM who can greatly help with questions and concerns.

If your marriage is not one that is affected by abuse, and you are not in immediate danger, there can be a time limit that is longer but it all depends on so many factors, your question cannot be answered so simply in this case. Yes, though, it is right to set a time limit. 

I hope that makes up for my previous post and I'll delete that as soon as this is posted. 

Please, do come back and get the answers and help you need that TAM can provide.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 13 years and I can honestly say it goes back and forth lol 
I will always love him... No doubt about that. But the "in love" feeling comes and goes. And it varies. Some times are long, months or so and some are short- just a day or so, maybe hours. For me it's all about the passion and desire for him that makes me feel that "in love" feeling. When I am happy with him and actually have passion and desire FROM him and FOR him those times are amazing. But then the times I don't feel all that it's just a strong love and deep care for him. You can either leave or go... It never changes. I think at some point, so many years in, you start to realize that passion isn't always going to be there but if you love that person still and have built a decent life together why not just stay. That's where I'm at after 13 years- marriage is a choice and I choose to stay bc I do love my husband despite all the bad. I don't have that desire for him right now though, but that's bc of him and lying. But since I'm choosing to stay in the marriage I realize I can choose to just walk away at anytime also. 


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## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

First off I did not say anything about cheating.

So here is a little background. Married 8 year and we are in our lower 30s. H suffers from depression/anxiety/alcoholic and provides little for our family. I am apparently very codependent.

I am not a victim of abuse but that line has been approached few times while he was in a drunkin state. In fact there is no reason any sane person would have stayed and put up with everything I have put up with. But he really is a good guy with a great heart. 

Over the last year or so we have been battling through trying to "work" on things and things are going ok. His drinking has not been as bad (even though I see it is increasing). He expresses how much he loves me and misses me when we are not together and how he feels like thing are getting so much better and I just don't feel like they are. I feel like it may be too little too late. I also am starting to feel guilty about pushing him to better himself for us if I don't know that there will be an us. Like maybe I am wasting his time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He needs to fix himself no matter what.

That said, what work have you done in the past to address the depression and anxiety? They definitely drain your feelings, but there are things that can be done to address them. Did you go to MC together? Did he get IC? Did you two get homework to work on things? Did you change up your lifestyle? Did you read His Needs Her Needs and learn about each others' 'Emotional Needs' and 'Love Busters?' And then address them?

Marriage - and love - takes work. It doesn't just 'stay.' Unless BOTH of you are doing things to change what you have, initiating boundaries and consequences, your marriage will continue to tank.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SoBell said:


> First off I did not say anything about cheating.
> 
> So here is a little background. Married 8 year and we are in our lower 30s. H suffers from depression/anxiety/alcoholic and provides little for our family. I am apparently very codependent.
> 
> ...



As someone (myself) who has battled alcohol issues, his problem with that addiction will never get better. And, trying to reason that "his drinking has not been that bad lately" will never help him or your marriage. He needs to find a way to completely rid himself of drinking and unfortunately you can't be the one to tell him. He has to come to this conclusion himself. There are ways to prod him along, but just telling him he has to stop will not cut it without either professional counseling or a healthier alternative. My wife now puts up with an exercise "addict", but with far more positive benefits. I'm not suggesting he is in the same boat as me. However, living in this situation long term is not going to go well, but you knew that already. 

I don't know anything, personally, about codependency but if this is the case it sounds like you may need to seek professional counseling. If nothing else it will help you possibly move on. 


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

The love faded for me in my last marriage and I left. I probably could have tried harder to make it work. Problem is, the fact that I would have had to lead the way in fixing things, because my ex was the passive type, illustrated the main reason why there was a problem. I still harbor guilt that I didn't try though. Sometimes I think I should have stayed and just accepted that the spark died, because that is part of marriage and maybe changing partners isn't going to bring more happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Like @Ikaika said, he's got to fix himself. 

If he is depressed and has anxiety, he needs to get into counseling and possibly get on some medication(s). The doctor will determine that. He can discuss his issues there. You can't get him there. He has to want to go and do the work. 

You may need to go to AlAnon(?) to find ways of coping and I suggest reading "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beatty. It will help you to figure out if you are codependent.

The book is basically about the spouses of alcoholics and how they must live in a home with an alcoholic. You may well be able to borrow it from your local public library. 

You may very well need some counseling, as well. They can help you to figure out what you want to do. They can help you with any codependency, if you are. 

Surely, if he isn't working and he's drinking, it will be tough to get a job, no? 

Many abuse victims are spouses of alcoholics. I'm not saying he will abuse you.

There are plenty of books to read to get started at working on your relationship with him, though, I'm not sure how much they can help, if he is drinking.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you partner does little or nothing to grow or even sustain the love in the relationship, and even does things that harm it, then of course it can fade. And it can fade beyond recovery. If you reach that point, it is best to move on, especially if your partner does not take responsibility for upholding their issues and then makes positive changes. Often, it is too late even then to recover.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SoBell said:


> Can love truly fade?


Definitely if both parties involves aren't willing to work on it constantly. You mention time frames and those are usually imposed by those who aren't emotionally involved anymore. Time does heal some wounds but not all of them, however, when marriage is involved it's usually best to save it if at all possible. It's always easiest to quit.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SoBell,

Do you have any children?


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## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

I know that he has to work on himself and even though it is very hard for me not to be controlling I am doing my best. I am not completely new to being codependent but I took several month to focus on me and making me happy. In that time I just let the marriage issue be. I had to find a little bit of myself before I went crazy.

Turnera... I suggested IC for him multiple times without just telling him YOU NEED HELP!. But does not think he needs any help I backed off. I think he will be open to MC but of coarse finances are a major issue, but I am looking into options. I will def check out those books. I am always looking for something new to point me in the right directions or maybe to unscramble these brains just a little. 

2ntnuf...H does not take any OTC meds only prescription... He has a way of manipulating his Dr. to give him what he wants and if his Dr does not comply he just fires them. He is currently prescribed anxiety which he take and depression meds that he does not take(they make him feel funny).

No Kids!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

To answer the OP, yes love can and does fade. Despite the seemingly popular wish around here that it wasn't so, it can and does fade. People change, not just your SO but yourself as well. Your needs, your wants, your desires all change as you do. You say you have worked on yourself. Continue to work on yourself. You only have one life to live (that we know of) so make the most of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SoBell said:


> In that time I just let the marriage issue be. I had to find a little bit of myself before I went crazy.
> 
> Turnera... *I suggested IC for him* multiple times without just telling him YOU NEED HELP!. But does not think he needs any help *I backed off*.


You're missing the point. You ask. You suggest. He ignores. Because HE HAS NO FEAR OF LOSING YOU.

Please trust me, the only thing men like him understand is this: "Do THIS or you will lose me."

NO discussion, NO argument, NO justification. Just DO THIS OR YOU LOSE ME.

It then becomes his choice to either take you seriously - or not.

And if not - he will then enjoy being single and homeless. And probably divorced.

Please trust me, he will not HEAR anything else. Other than YOU WILL LOSE ME if you don't address this.

Stop asking. Start telling him what YOU will do - leave him - if he won't take you seriously.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Love's an action. You can choose to love or not. So, it's not a matter of fading, it's either nurtured and cultivated or it dies of negligent homicide.


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## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

turnera said:


> You're missing the point. You ask. You suggest. He ignores. Because HE HAS NO FEAR OF LOSING YOU.
> 
> Please trust me, the only thing men like him understand is this: "Do THIS or you will lose me."
> 
> ...


Well I can do that (it will end in a fight)! But everything I read says should not give ultimatums and that boundaries should not be used to "control" someone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WTH? It's not an attempt to control.

Why do you guys keep seeing that?

It's YOUR BOUNDARY.

"I want you with me. But if you're not willing to do A, B, or C, I choose to be alone. It's your choice. I hope you'll do A, B, and C - my N.U.T.s - but if you won't, I'll understand and say goodbye and wish you well. And I'll go look for a partner who WANTS to do A, B, and C, with whom I'm more compatible."

It's just plain logic.


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## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

WOW! I wish I would have interpret that way 6 months ago....


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Read that Codependent No More book, SoBell. It will help you find yourself. It will help you find your voice. So would Al Anon.

I agree with @turnera. It's in how you say it, but also in what you do. You must be willing to actually let him go and move forward with your life without him. You are forcing him to choose, but not forcing him to do anything. It's up to him.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SoBell said:


> ..my H seems to be giving the effort but I cant seem to stop thinking that it may be too little too late.


I'm thinking of going back to graduate school so I can write my doctoral thesis on that statement.

Just leave. It's too late for you.


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