# What are the odds of me doing it again?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

A quick summary: I had an EA and got caught. My wife has forgiven me, and I'm living under self imposed boundaries. She is helping enforce them to some extent. I'm going to IC now, and then we are likely to start MC. I say "likely" because she is not sure if we are going to need it. She believes we can make it just fine. I just want to stay with her forever.

My question is, even though I am in IC, what are the odds that I will find yet another woman who I start being friendly too and end up starting another EA or worse!!!?  I don't want this! Yet, I'm pretty naive when it comes to relationships with women.

It's that damn "affair drug" that has me thinking about possibly craving the feelings again in the future. In the meantime, I'm texting and emailing my wife the things I used to send to only the OW. I like it!

Is there any statistics available?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm no expert but I think "affair drugs" are like any other drug. Once you've experienced them they leave a mark on you forever.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just don't do it.

You do have self control, no?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> My question is, even though I am in IC, what are the odds that I will find yet another woman who I start being friendly too and end up starting another EA or worse!!!?



_Translation: I have no boundaries or self-control, so it's possible for anybody to waltz right in and steal my heart._

Since you sound so helpless, I wonder if you might answer a question:

Just *how is this supposed to happen if you aren't having intimate discussions with women other than your wife?*


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

There is that chance that it will happen again. Its like a a shadow hovering above you. You know that the opportunity is there. Take it from my experience.. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!! Not only does it leave its scare upon you, it leaves a heavy burden on your W. She says that she forgives you, but that knowledge that it happened will still be there. When a gorgeous woman walks by you two, it may eat at her what you are thinking about her. 
You have self control yes? Do you want your W to go through this again? If you have these feelings of texting/talking to another OW you call your W right away and tell her! You can not think that oh if she forgave me then I can do it again and get away with it. This woman loves you and you should show her the same respect that she has shown you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It will only happen again if you choose for it to happen. Free will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you have to ask about it, then I'll say that it could happen again. If you got caught and are disgusted with yourself enough, you'll know deep down it will never happen again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I totally agree with CH. If you truly understood the gravity then you would not even consider it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, I do have self control. But even people with self control can make bad decisions. I was asking in an effort to find more ammunition to help me protect myself, and my wife, from it happening again. I like to over prepare for possible events. I never, ever, want it to happen again.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Please take my question as someone who has had an illness before and doesn't want to get sick like that again.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Now that you know how it happens, you will be able to shut it down at the first sign. People who think it will never happen to them are vulnerable, but you know that it can happen to anyone.

A happy, fulfilled marriage is also a defense against affairs. As Paul Newman said, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh we aren't digging at you. In fact there are 5 people on here that responded that cheated themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> A happy, fulfilled marriage is also a defense against affairs. As Paul Newman said, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"


Which is ironic since his marriage started as an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Yes, I do have self control. But even people with self control can make bad decisions. I was asking in an effort to find more ammunition to help me protect myself, and my wife, from it happening again. I like to over prepare for possible events. I never, ever, want it to happen again.


You evaded my question: how is this supposed to happen if you aren't sharing intimate conversations with women who are not your wife?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry, I didn't read that part. 

But that's a good point! Don't have those conversations, or even create an avenue to where another woman can share hers with me, and I'll be safe!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Since my wife determined that she has a sex/love addiction that contributed to her EA's/PA, she has entered an SLAA 12-step program. If you truly feel the draw of an "addiction" when chasing the "high" of attention from other women, then you have to treat it exactly that way: as an addiction. You have to avoid the circumstances that lead to feeding your addiction. You have to learn to control the impulses that tell you to accept the "high." You have to learn how to manage your behavior...to recognize the signs that you want to chase the euphoria that comes from getting your "fix."

It's hard work. But, as my wife's group says, it works if you work it and you're worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

you either choose to do it or you choose not do it. Now that you have personal experience with it, you should be able to see the red flags easier. In the end, it's still a choice you make.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Since my wife determined that she has a sex/love addiction that contributed to her EA's/PA, she has entered an SLAA 12-step program. If you truly feel the draw of an "addiction" when chasing the "high" of attention from other women, then you have to treat it exactly that way: as an addiction. You have to avoid the circumstances that lead to feeding your addiction. You have to learn to control the impulses that tell you to accept the "high." You have to learn how to manage your behavior...to recognize the signs that you want to chase the euphoria that comes from getting your "fix."
> 
> It's hard work. But, as my wife's group says, it works if you work it and you're worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I call BS.

People want to say their lack of control is a disease or an addiction. No, it's just asshattery. Don't put yourself in the situation to cheat and it won't happen.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but it sounds like you're not taking ownership of your part in what you did. Like it's something that happened to you, and you didn't have an active role in it.

I think the best defense against repeating is to make sure you understand why you did what you did. That, and work on your communication skills

This is from someone who cheated on his spouse, BTW. So don't think I'm judging you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I call BS.
> 
> People want to say their lack of control is a disease or an addiction. No, it's just asshattery. Don't put yourself in the situation to cheat and it won't happen.


Don't get me wrong. At the end of the day, it's about choices. There's hardly anyone more firmly behind that concept. There are, however, addiction-like factors that lead to learned behaviors. And, the mind and body's reaction is similar to that of a drug addict's. If my wife were trying to use her (admittedly self-diagnosed) addiction to wave away what she did, I'd be right there with you calling BS. Instead, she's using those tools to learn about herself...why she's made the decisions she has in her life, tracing her patterns of behavior back further than she realized they went, and using all of that to break those patterns.

At the same time, the proverbial jury is still put among the mental health community as to whether or not "sex addiction" is truly that. At this time, it is not an accepted clinical diagnosis in part because, unlike, say, drug or alcohol addiction, there is no measurable foreign substance in play...it's all mental. Her shrink thinks it's (and I quote) "a bunch of hooey." at the same time, though, he told her that, if approaching it in that manner helps her control her impulses, more power to her.

And, ultimately, that's my advice to the OP. He likened it to an addiction. So, if he sees it that way, he needs to approach it that way. He can't just say, "Well...it's beyond my control." Like an addict, he has to either learn that control and maintain it, or be prepared to face the consequences if he doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Back of the envelope: 

After one time, recidivism is 50%
After two times, recidivism is 75%
After three times, recidivism is 99%


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Back of the envelope:
> 
> After one time, recidivism is 50%
> After two times, recidivism is 75%
> After three times, recidivism is 99%


That makes sense. I think everyone is kinda 50/50 given the right situation.

I cheated once, but there was no marriage and no love...ever. Just an unplanned pregnancy and the attempt to create a home. BIG MISTAKE.

I wouldn't cheat again though...i'd rather leave before that happens. Learned my lesson well.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I cheated once, but there was no marriage and no love...ever. Just an unplanned pregnancy and the attempt to create a home. BIG MISTAKE.
> 
> I wouldn't cheat again though...i'd rather leave before that happens. Learned my lesson well.


Gonna go a Yoda on you t_g: "*No mistake that was. A bad choice you made"*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> Gonna go a Yoda on you t_g: "*No mistake that was. A bad choice you made"*


Well, I don't consider keeping my daughter a bad choice LOL I like to think of her as a surprise.

Choosing him was a choice, yes, but it was also a mistake. And I learn from my mistakes  Funny that since him, I've never been back with a white boy LOL :rofl:


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

No one can control anyone else, especially their choices or actions. I think it's safe to assume that you can know your own odds but because of the fact that no one can control anyone else, that immediately makes everyone elses odds 50/50.

So from my stand point, I'd say your odds are 50/50. It's all on you to make your own odds.

If you want to make your own odds, then you better eliminate any chance of this happening again. For instance if this started because you got a girls number or you gave a girl your number, then be sure to A) Never hand out your number to another women, or B) if a women tries to give you their number respecfully decline. Prepare for any kind of situation that could arise.

Like I said, the odds of this happening again are all on you. I'm going to assume that you're old enough and your prefrontal cortex has fully developed, so you know the difference between right/wrong, good/bad ect.

You have 2 choices and always have had 2 choices, talk to women or don't talk to women. If you do talk to women, talk to them like a normal human being or to talk to them in a permiscuous manner. Their your choices, you need to decide what it is you really want, and if you want the ones that cause harm to your marriage then you need to own up to them so that your W can make her 50/50 choice.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I did it, except I went physical. So did my wife.
The pain that we caused each other is enough to never let us get in that position again at home, therefore there is no danger of me putting myself in that position with another woman.
I will divorce before I will so much as consider being conversationally intimate with another women. It is not going to happen.

If you truly know how much pain you've caused, how much damage you've done, and you love your wife, you won't do it, either.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

"..being conversationally intimate with another women."

Thank you for that one statement. I see clearly now that this is where I failed since I was/am so naive with relationships. The "friend" line was crossed at this point. Now I have a reference point for the future.

Thank you!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

what is it about your wife that isnt fulfilling you, what does she do that makes you want to seek out other women?

if the answer is nothing, or you cant pinpoint it, you have an illness.

alot of people who cheat are at least influenced by their spouses poor behaviors or bad habits. you havent mentioned that.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She did nothing wrong, and never has. I think I was trying to fulfill a need that I didn't get when I was younger, social acceptance. The hole I have been carrying around for decades was being filled by the OW. 

Despite years of counseling, I have not been able to get beyond the pain of social rejection from so long ago. My wife is unable to fill that hole because she came from a different social circle (during the same years of my young life). 

I've been stuck in that hole for decades and can't seem to move on. I keep working on it, but I keep failing. It sucks, and I want it gone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DanF said:


> If you truly know how much pain you've caused, how much damage you've done, and you love your wife, you won't do it, either.


:iagree:


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## tjd (Oct 9, 2011)

Thanks for the levity. Very funny and good timing for me.


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