# DDay was today



## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

I'm 27 and have been married about 18 months. She is 28, 29 in July. We were friends for many years before we got married. No kids, no pets, and a lease which is up at the end of July.

Last few months have been really rough between us. She has issues every year around the holidays, and I assumed it was just that all over again. Things did not get back to normal as they usually do. Last night I caught a glimpse of something that pushed me over my usual boundaries, and I went snooping through her computer.

I found her list she keeps of partners, with a new name on there. A guy she works with, who started at her work after we were together. The file was last edited 12/28/12 and indicates kissing, oral, and traditional sex. I do not know the frequency, but I do not think it's an ongoing affair.

She does not know I know yet, confrontation is planned for her when she gets home from work in about 3 hours. My original inclination was to change the locks, buy some boxes, and have people here ready to help her pack her crap and get out. I've since spoken with my father for some advice, and he cautioned me against doing anything too rash (or illegal).

I'm not sure where to go from here. I could be willing to reconcile, but that's going to depend on her. Regardless of where our marriage goes from here, I don't want her in my home for at least a few days. I'm due to house sit for my mother next week, starting Sunday.

What can I say or do to get her to be willing to leave until then? Any advice for the confrontation? I don't even know what else to say.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Sorry man, many of us here know what you're going thru and it sucks.

Here's what I did:

1. asked her to leave for a few days because I was too angry to be around her.

2. told her to choose...me or single life.

3. told her i was filing for divorce the following monday if her choice wasn't me (and i would have).

4. eat, work out, read, sleep.

What i would have done differently:

-not cried, begged or pleaded to her at any point. you have to take on strong guy persona in front of her...think james bond cool.

-not listened to her those first few days. cheaters lie, trickle truth etc...and as the whole truth drips out week after week it feels like new ddays again. just tell her you know and when you're ready to talk you should ask for the whole story...but not tonight, she will be in self preservation mode.

good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You absolutely should pack her stuff and tell her to leave. Whether you can actually MAKE her leave is another story, but the fact you did that speaks volumes. That is exactly what I did when I found out what my husband was up to. And he DID leave.

Please read the newbie link in my signature also.

As for confrontation - what are you trying to accomplish with confronting? That needs to be answered. Then you can decide if it's time to confront now, or if you should wait.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you mad? Just sad? Embarassed? Where's your head at right now?

Any kids?



ThatGuyMEB said:


> I could be willing to reconcile, but that's going to depend on her.


By this you mean it depends on her actions and whether she does what she needs to do, right?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Don't go into it to much with your family just in case you do reconcile.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Make sure you get a copy of that file and save it in a place that she cannot find to delete it. What an odd list for her to keep, especially when it records an affair.

Are you sure that there is not an ongoing affair?

Legally you cannot kick her out of the home. It's her legal residence. You can ask her to leave but you cannot make her leave.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Make copies of everything on her PC.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just be very calm, and collected, and icy when you talk to her

I would imagine you would like some answers before you throw her under the bus---so see how things go with your talk

If your house is in both of your names, same for the lease---then she has as much right to stay there as you do---so you can't toss her out

If she is cheating on you 18 months into a mge---your mge---has some major problems

This is an easy walk-away for you w/out kids---so consider everything, before you do anything


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I feel for you. You will forever remember May 23rd 2013. Just like most us. Read as much as you can here before she gets home. A lot of us have been through it without advice and wished we would have had it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Things have probably been rough because there is a third person in the marriage. Yes pack her sh!t and ask her to leave you can't make her but she'll know you mean business. Save the evidence and expose to her family and friends as you see fit. If you have time go get a voice activated recorder for your protection from a false dv charge.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Very weird behaviour to keep a record of all your sexual liaisons. Why would someone do that? That would set alarm bells ringing for me. She obviously puts a lot of importance on anyone she sleeps with. But all wrong! The importance is on the sex. Listing them! There is no importance on your relationship or marriage! 

I would get out of this marriage if I were you. 

Regarding confronting, I wonder if it might be best to wait til after the house sitting? How long are you at your mums for? 

And packing her bags and kicking her out is a good way forward. If she refuses? Her new bed is the settee. Certainly not your marriage bed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd print the file out circle the guys name, put it in the very centre of your bed and not be home for the next few days.

I'd also be calling her manager and hr and reporting the office romance.

Make sure to clean out bank accounts, and to take the computer with you.

Stay dark for at least 48 hours before you talk with her, you want to frankly scare the living xxx out of her.

Do you have access to her cell phone call logs? Print them out. You'll also want to see who she calls.

If you can buy a voice activated recorder before she ges home, put it under the bed secured with Velcro.

Next, get investigatin the other guy and see if he is married. If he is, your. Next job is to contact her and let her know.

Do not waste time talking to your wife tonight, you'll get lies, you'll get blame about how it's your fault she cheated. You'll be wasting your time.

What you want to do is first scare her that it is all falling apart on her, only after that has really sunk in, will it be time to talk to her about if you are divorcing her or not.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Don't reveal your sources. The more you dig, the more you are going to find out. Trust me, it is like peeling the layers of a rotten onion. The closer to the core, the darker it gets. At least it was for me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'd print the file out circle the guys name, put it in the very centre of your bed and not be home for the next few days.
> 
> I'd also be calling her manager and hr and reporting the office romance.
> 
> ...


This is a very good option also.:iagree:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> Last night I caught a glimpse of something that pushed me over my usual boundaries, and I went snooping through her computer.
> 
> I found her list she keeps of partners, with a new name on there. A guy she works with, who started at her work after we were together. The file was last edited 12/28/12 and indicates kissing, oral, and traditional sex. I do not know the frequency, but I do not think it's an ongoing affair.


A file? She keeps a FILE? I do not know what to say......

I'm sorry you are here. Print it, save it and confront her as you are walking out the door to house sit. Tell her you'll be back as this was a planned commitment.



> Very weird behaviour to keep a record of all your sexual liaisons. Why would someone do that?


I can think of one big one and I'm not feeding the frenzy.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife keeps a bang list? Wow. Did you already know about the bang list?

What is it that you want from the relationship? When I had to face this awful music, I based much of my decisions on my wife's reaction. Perhaps, that will give you some insight as well. 

My wife lied her a$$ off until I hit her with proof she could not deny. From what I've seen on TAM, the lying part is pretty standard so don't be surprised if you get a big dose of crap from her.

I was pretty straight forward with my wife. I asked her bluntly. She denied, deflected, tried to guilt trip me into believing I was nuts. Showed her the proof and then she got really really pissed. I filed. YMMV 

Good luck
WD


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

His proof is BY HER. Kind of hard to deny... Then again...

First decide if can even reconcile. Some men simply can not once another man has been inside her. May be a deal breaker for you.

She quite frankly sounds broken.

18 months into the marriage you should only be fvcking each others brains out. Again. Broken. Actually December was12 months into the marriage.

IF you can reconcile... I would start with the "do you have something to tell me? I know everything" line. THe correct look on your face is regret, not sadness. If she breaks early she might be worth saving. MIGHT

Then again so early into the marriage and no kids.

Btw how many men? High mileage girl? Does it go back to age 15 or 16 or whatever?


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

I'll attempt to answer all questions so far in order.

Re: baldmale

I do not intend to beg, and I don't think I'll cry. Seeing the list gave me a good gut check, but after how things have been going these last few months it was not a complete surprise. I'm hoping to get her to leave for a few days and will not be having any contact with her for about a week while I'm away.

Re: Hope1964

As for confrontation, my goal is simply to let her know that I know, and this will not be tolerated. I do not want to wait as I will not be able to be in this house with her for at least a few days, and only then, if she's showing signs of remorse.

As far as feelings go, I'm mad, and sad. We did pre-marital counseling through a church following my grandfather's direction as he was the pastor who officiated our wedding. I'd followed all the directions for keeping separations in place between myself and female friends/co-workers, and it appeared that she had done the same.

Regarding the reconciliation option, yes, this would depend on how she wants to proceed and reacts to the situation.

Re: MrBrains

I've already spoken to my 3 best friends (2 of which were groomsmen at our wedding), as well as my parents. They've all known we've been having a rough time, and have been my rock I've been trying to work my way through it.

Re: EleGirl

I have several copies made, both electronically and hard copy, as well as a screen shot showing the last date of edit as being before (from my view) our marriage really took a downswing. I'm fairly confident there is nothing going on right now, as I have not seen his name pop up in any communications recently, she's not been "working late" or taking extended periods of unaccounted time away. The trigger for me last night was me catching her on eharmony (more on this at the end). I do not think she'd be on a matchmaking site like that if she had a regular squeeze to confide in.

Re: MrBrains (2)

I'm an IT person by trade, and the techno-mind in the house. Anything and everything I feel relevant has been copied and backed up in multiple locations.

Re: jnj express

I'm not looking to throw her under the bus. I want to know who/what/where/when/why, and then go from there. I'm aware I cannot force her out, but if she does not go willingly for at least a few days, I sure as hell will make our home unbearable for her to live in. I'm aware our marriage is in serious trouble, though I was not aware to what extend until today. I'm more than ready to walk away from this with the full support of my family, but I married her because I love her and was/am still willing to spend the rest of my life with her, but only if she's willing to put in the work as well.

Re: tom67

I have a laptop hooked up to the TV in the living room that we use as a media center. I've already purposed a webcam there and intend to record our interactions when she gets home to protect myself against any possible false charges. My dad has been through a false DV charge with his step-dad and is still living with the consequences; I will not make the same mistake.

Re: Remains

She had a very messed up childhood and family history. One way she copes with the chaos of her life is to organize and track everything you can possibly think of. It helps her get by day to day, and it helped me to find the proof I needed.

Regarding confrontation, I will be at my mother's for a week from this Sunday. I do not want to let this sit and fester for that long.

Re: Shaggy

I've already printed it out and circled his name. I have it on hand to present to her upon her arival home from work. Calling her work will be the next step depending on how tonight turns out. She typically will text me to tell me she is on the way home from work. I already intend to transfer all joint assets into my personal accounts before she gets home, and am ready to assume all join charges for as long as needed. My computer will be on lockdown, but that won't matter as I've already made back-ups on an external drive and placed it in my lockbox, which is now in my car.

Scare tactic will not work on her, as I'm sure you can see she's already got a foot out the door. The fact that she now has no leverage over me, and I have everything I need is all I need to scare her straight. She shares a cell plan with her mother, who I assume has not been told about the affair per the e-mails I've been reading today. On top of that, she has a company phone for use for business issues, and she'd probably have just used that anyways.

I don't think I'll need a VAR, I have no reason to believe she brought the OM into my home and marriage bed. I think this was a one night stand type of thing, which happened at, or after, her company holiday get-together.

As far as the OM, I already have his name, number, and address, thanks to her meticulous record keeping. I will be checking him out over the next few days, and if he has a SO/WS I will present her with the evidence as well.

I have no expectations of our talk tonight, other than to simply inform her of my knowledge and see where it goes from there. I will not be trusting anything that comes out of her for obvious reasons.

Re: SaltInWound

I only have the one source, and she'll know where I got it. She does everything electronically and there is nothing she can hide from me because of this.

Re: workindad

Yes, I already knew about the list. As I mentioned earlier, she keeps detailed records of everything. For her, this is not abnormal. I expect lies as much as I expect honesty. At this point, I don't think she even cares enough to try and lie her way out of this.

Re: weightlifter

You are right, us moving past this is going to be very hard for me. Admittedly I am a jealous man. She has a sorted sexual past, much more extensive than my own. This is in part due to her daddy issues. To make herself feel less bad about it, she will making jokes about it from time to time. It puts me on edge when I hear her talking about other men and her past, and we've had talks about it before. She has refrained from that behavior for the most part since then. December would have been 14 months into the marriage, Sept 17'th 2011.

Her history starts at 18, and by this document she counts a total of 38 over 10 years, though not all of them were sexual contact, some listed are phone/web sex. All listed save for this newest entry were before our relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are YOU on her list??

Man, you sound a helluva lot cooler than I was on D day.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

Regarding the eharmony issue. We were already pretty much on track to separate following the end of our lease. We had not spoken implicitly about it very much, but all the signs were there. The one time we did broach the subject of a trial separation I indicated that I was not willing to go there, as I wanted to work through our issues (unknowing of just how big they really were at the time).

I did not confront her on this, I'm not sure she knows I saw. She was literally doing it behind my back in our office as I was on my computer at the time on the other side of the office. If she wants to end things, move on, and see other men, then fine. But I'll be damned if she starts her search in my house while we are still together.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Are YOU on her list??
> 
> Man, you sound a helluva lot cooler than I was on D day.


Yes, I'm in the 20's somewhere as we were together off and on for many years before we committed.

I'm trying to keep my cool as best I can to get through this day and see where we can go from here. We'll see how well I manage that when she gets home.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> My original inclination was to change the locks, buy some boxes, and have people here ready to help her pack her crap and get out. I've since spoken with my father for some advice, and he cautioned me against doing anything too rash (or illegal).


Yes, you can't legally make her leave. But she could be at least decent enough to go on her own or agree if you ask her to leave.




> What can I say or do to get her to be willing to leave until then? Any advice for the confrontation? I don't even know what else to say.


Well it will seem like you are damned no matter how you handle it. But simply present her with the evidence you found. Don't say anything other than, "so what do you have to say about this" then hand her the evidence and wait for her response.

Then after her response tell her, "I'd like you to leave the house for a few days until I clear my head". Because you do NEED to clear your head and she should honor you for once with that.

Only thing is, if she stays somewhere else for a few days, that may just give her the green light to go do another guy, unless she is completely scared of losing you. So I suppose it would be a good litmus test.

If you know me, I'm not big on reconciling with a cheater. But you have to do what you think is best for you, and I believe it is possible. But only with her being completely contrite and willing to bend over backwards to show you she wants to keep you.

There needs to be boundaries, and yes, restrictions on her activities when not with you. Not sure of your situation, but there is a thread about GNO's (girls nights out). If she does anything like that in any manner that is more condusive to cheating, then those days are over for her, unless you want to simply put up with it.

So what is your end game if you decide to reconcile? What will you expect of her?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If you R, you'll have to get her and yourself some major counseling. Sounds like she slipped back into her old practices. I hate to say it, to you, but some people like to be single.

I have a friend that has no desire to be married. She pines for it, so she'll say, but basically ruins any relationship she is in. AFAIK, she doesn't cheat she balks at the final commitment. Sorry, but the way you talk your wife sounds like my friend. You just caught her at a time she really wanted to be married.

I hope I am wrong.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> Yes, I'm in the 20's somewhere


My god. You have your whole life ahead of you. I'd advise to set yourself free. Life is too short and you are too young.

But you have to do what you think is best for you. If you decide to R, it should be on your terms, within reason. And there isn't much you could demand that wouldn't be reasonable seeing as how she committed adultery many times over.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

dusty4 said:


> Yes, you can't legally make her leave. But she could be at least decent enough to go on her own or agree if you ask her to leave.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She does not have my friends, and those she does have I do not think would cover for her like this. I'm fairly certain this was a one night thing, and all the drama in our relationship since then has been her reacting to her guilt. Judging from her recent history, she may not be willing to reconcile, and I'll accept that if it turns out to be the case. That being said, if our recent struggle has been a result of her infidelity, and the exposure can move us into the light, then I can work with that to see if our marriage is worth saving.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

dusty4 said:


> My god. You have your whole life ahead of you. I'd advise to set yourself free. Life is too short and you are too young.
> 
> But you have to do what you think is best for you. If you decide to R, it should be on your terms, within reason. And there isn't much you could demand that wouldn't be reasonable seeing as how she committed adultery many times over.


I think you misunderstood. I am in my late 20's of age. As far as her sexual partners, I'm somewhere in the 20's out of 38 now. She has me listed there as that was when we first had sex, though our relationship did not start for another 5 years or so after that initial series of encounters. Following her I had a few other girlfriends of my own, and even a son with one of them. After all that, we ended up together in a long term relationship which resulted in our marriage. She was on 37 before we got together and got married, if she had documented me again, I'd have been #38 and this OM would have been #39.

But yes, I do still have my whole life ahead of me.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If you R, you'll have to get her and yourself some major counseling. Sounds like she slipped back into her old practices. I hate to say it, to you, but some people like to be single.
> 
> I have a friend that has no desire to be married. She pines for it, so she'll say, but basically ruins any relationship she is in. AFAIK, she doesn't cheat she balks at the final commitment. Sorry, but the way you talk your wife sounds like my friend. You just caught her at a time she really wanted to be married.
> 
> I hope I am wrong.


No, you're probably right. She's always said she never thought she'd be married, and that I was the only man she could have married. If we can't work things out, you can bet your ass I'll be warning every potential man she has later in her life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, your marriage is already toast. The one you had is gone. She blew it up.

In order to R you have to start from scratch. And she has to be willing to chop off her left tit for you if that's what you need her to do, at least at first. 

Her reaction to you telling her to stay somewhere else for a few days will indicate where she's at right now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry phone forget separation either work on it or divorce jmo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You seem to have quite a handle on it. I would strongly suggest:
1. Get tested for STD's
2. Get an outstanding attorney and discuss your options.

I am sorry but she sounds so messed up. Generally the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. All trust is gone and you know she has no problem lying to you. Don't waste your life on someone like this. She is screwing another man and you have only been married 18 months. She clearly does not respect your or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I am very pleased that you contact the OM's spouse or significant other since they have a right to know. Good luck.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hate to say this, but if you're in your 20s with no kids, and your wife is already cheating, you need to hit the eject button ASAP. I'm not saying this isn't fixable, but if it is, it will take a hell of a lot of effort. Why bother when it would be easier to go find someone without all this baggage?


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

bryanp said:


> You seem to have quite a handle on it. I would strongly suggest:
> 1. Get tested for STD's
> 2. Get an outstanding attorney and discuss your options.
> 
> ...


From what I can tell, she was with him after the last time her and I were together. We have not had sex since before Christmas, which makes sense now. She's the type that will have already gotten herself checked. I will go get checked out anyways just to be safe.

I will be looking up some legal help next week while I'm away. Her biological dad is actually a family law lawyer, I expect she'll be leaning on him for council, and already has from what I can tell. Looks to me though that she's omitted her infidelity from him though. At the very least, he's been advising her to seek marriage counselling with me before anything is decided.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> From what I can tell, she was with him after the last time her and I were together. We have not had sex since before Christmas, which makes sense now.


I was you in very my early twenties. File. This is the exact reason I ended it with my ex-fiance. I waited nearly a year and caught her cheating TWICE. They only went to the movies. Of course, I was in love, I was going to make it work, we had a child, we were a family and then I remembered what WE did at the movies.... I was out.

Her dad is in family law? Be very careful who you contact, you don't want her getting a heads up. Also, be very careful when you confront. You should be careful anyway, but you have to be EXTRA careful. I'd say go see a lawyer before you confront. She ha a HUGE advantage right now. Don't tell her you searched, printed out anything or looked at her computer. Laws are wonky everywhere and you don't want to compromise your position, if it does come down to divorce.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Has she rejected you for sex since christmas? Wow!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi. Sorry you are here,

You are young, no kids, no house and no binding ties.
She is on eharmony. 
She cheated. 
She wants a trial separation.


She already has her backs packed and ready to go.. 
I suspect the cheating is to get the separation. Don't let her put you in limbo for a moment. 
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who puts you on the back burner?
Do you really want to have kids with someone who is not really committed?

I rarely say bail out but in your case just pack a bag or two and leave it all behind. Maybe take your stereo..Get of the lease and go on a road trip. Sorry.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> From what I can tell, she was with him after the last time her and I were together. We have not had sex since before Christmas, which makes sense now.


Why does that make sense?

That would only make sense if she had sex now with OM on a regular basis.

How often did you have sex before that and was she into that??


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why does that make sense?
> 
> That would only make sense if she had sex now with OM on a regular basis.
> 
> How often did you have sex before that and was she into that??


Makes sense in that she feels guilty about the infidelity and does not want to make it worse by letting me have her after she did what she did.

Things were getting stressful leading into the holidays, so we were probably only having sex twice a month or so, sometimes more. Initiation was equal on both sides. Part of the issue was I had to work a second shift for about 6 months, ending in November, while she stayed on first shift. As far as I can tell she's shut down completely sexually since then.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> Makes sense in that she feels guilty about the infidelity and does not want to make it worse by letting me have her after she did what she did.
> 
> Things were getting stressful leading into the holidays, so we were probably only having sex twice a month or so, sometimes more. Initiation was equal on both sides. Part of the issue was I had to work a second shift for about 6 months, ending in November, while she stayed on first shift. As far as I can tell she's shut down completely sexually since then.


Have you gone through cell phone records, emails, and Facebook to see if there is additional supporting material before you confront?

Generally records will get sanitized quickly, if there is not an intervention.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If you don't want to be here (TAM) when your 49. Hit the eject now.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Ultimately the decision is yours to pursue R or D. Of course if your wife wants to D there is not much you can do. 

Since you are in a sexless marriage, this does not seem to bode well. Especially with her seeking sex outside the marriage. 

Perhaps her STD test came back with an unwanted surprise. Be careful, you can't be certain that she wasn't cheating before the newest addition to her bang list. She could have also been ( and still be) hooking up with other pre-existing club members. After all, she didn't update your time line...

Not trying to be mean.

Good Luck
WD


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do you think she is not having sex with new guy? Her list only includes new hook ups, right?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

These are tryiing times bros..

And you sound like you are keeping it together. so stay calm and be firm. You ain't going to control her , but you don;t have to talorate it either, so wish her the best and smile.....a smile that shows her how confident you are in finding a chick way better then her!!!!!!!

The pain suck...just doen't show it!!!!


Been thru it 3 yrs ago and it does get better if *you* make it better! So don't count on someone else to make it better...


Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Are you reading my mail? Don't let your old lady define you! Doen't let your chick bring out the worst in you, but show her you can and will # let her go, and #2 move on to better things.

At the end of the day we all diserve good things... and what she is doing behind your back is "not a good thing". But that her sh1t to live with, not yours!

peace out


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> Makes sense in that she feels guilty about the infidelity and does not want to make it worse by letting me have her after she did what she did.
> 
> Good luck solving this. It never dawned on me that it should never be her "letting me have her" until after our divorce.
> Since then the women I have dated have felt that we both had something to offer each other.
> I'm now wondering if this other attitude isn't a by-product of matrimony.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think it's far more likely she's still having sex with him. That's why she hasn't needed it from you.

Mid/late twenties and 38 partners? There is no way she's gone 5 months or even 2 dry.

Sorry, but u do not think you are seeing the real picture here. You seem to think it was just a one time fling. Her nasty attitude has been all along, that says she's been cheating the while time,


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You're 27, married 18 months. 

1 year into the marriage, she already started cheating on you.

That cant be good since you both are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage.

If she could cheat now, and having had 38 partners already, it does not look like she can be loyal and faithful to you. 

I feel you are in for a continuous rough ride should you decide to stay in the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> Makes sense in that she feels guilty about the infidelity and does not want to make it worse by letting me have her after she did what she did.
> 
> Things were getting stressful leading into the holidays, so we were probably only having sex twice a month or so, sometimes more. Initiation was equal on both sides. Part of the issue was I had to work a second shift for about 6 months, ending in November, while she stayed on first shift. As far as I can tell she's shut down completely sexually since then.


When you worked 2nd shift, how much time did the two of you spend together? 

Working different shifts is very often a marriage killer since couples seldom get to spend time together.

If you have any inclination to reconcile you would benefit from the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EG makes a good point.

Educate your self.

I also suggest "Surviving the Affair" by Janis A Springs.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Never agree to a seperation as a way to fix a marriage it just facilitates the affair and creates more distance

Anytime I see it here it works against the marriage.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> No, you're probably right. *She's always said she never thought she'd be married, and that I was the only man she could have married*. If we can't work things out, you can bet your ass I'll be warning every potential man she has later in her life.



She says that because she knows herself, but _you_ don't know her.


You are the only one _naive enough_ to be her enabler:
- The sexual record of her number of partners is much higher than average.
- The amount of sex you get is much lower than average.


You are just the roommate.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> She says that because she knows herself, but _you_ don't know her.
> 
> 
> You are the only one _naive enough_ to be her enabler:
> ...


This is a hopeless situation. You need to escape this marriage yesterday. Often TAM posters go crazy talking about HIV tests after one night stands, but you should really get STD tested. No sex with your W without a condom.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

You wife seems to be a classic sex addict. i know it is the modern age and all, but 38 partners? It sounds like she is acting out surrounding her past childhood hurts you mentioned.
Same as my wife...who has cheated on me as well. Sex abuse as a child and extremely promiscuous...and unable to switch it off upon getting married. She needs help...help that she must be willing to undertake without exception or you need to end this.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> I found her list she keeps of partners, with a new name on there. A guy she works with, who started at her work after we were together. The file was last edited 12/28/12 and indicates kissing, oral, and traditional sex. I do not know the frequency, but I do not think it's an ongoing affair.
> 
> .


She keeps a list of partners ??? Who does that ??? Dude, seriously, just walk (run) away.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> You wife seems to be a classic sex addict. i know it is the modern age and all, but 38 partners? It sounds like she is acting out surrounding her past childhood hurts you mentioned.
> Same as my wife...who has cheated on me as well. Sex abuse as a child and extremely promiscuous...and unable to switch it off upon getting married. She needs help...help that she must be willing to undertake without exception or you need to end this.


Yes, if you want to deal with her problems, but it sounds like a lifetime project of compassion and support.

She may love the OP but in a compartmentalized way. She has the self destructive adventures and the support team back home is not in the loop.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OPs gone. I hope alls ok with him. Hope he comes back to give us an idea how things worked? He seems more together then I was for sure.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> I think you misunderstood. I am in my late 20's of age. As far as her sexual partners, I'm somewhere in the 20's out of 38 now. She has me listed there as that was when we first had sex, though our relationship did not start for another 5 years or so after that initial series of encounters. Following her I had a few other girlfriends of my own, and even a son with one of them. After all that, we ended up together in a long term relationship which resulted in our marriage. She was on 37 before we got together and got married, if she had documented me again, I'd have been #38 and this OM would have been #39.
> 
> But yes, I do still have my whole life ahead of me.


With that many partners it could be that she likes her variety and isn't willing to give it up for life. JMO.

If you think it was a ONS and can handle it, and work to recover the marriage, god speed my friend and good luck. But some very solid ground rules need to be set and she needs to adhere to anything becoming of a married woman. What those rules are will have to be up to you and what you are willing to accept.

But just read this and had to edit:



ThatGuyMEB said:


> If we can't work things out, you can bet your ass I'll be warning every potential man she has later in her life.


If this is how you view it, what does it matter if you work it out or not? This is saying she is not worthy of commitment unless you can work it out with her. If this is the view you hold, then not sure why you are trying to reconcile.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ThatGuy

I hope you are ok today and you got the truth you need from your WW.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I read about a study recently that found the more sexpartners ond had before marriage, the more likely one was to cheat. It completely refuted the idea around here that people need to get experienced before marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I read about a study recently that found the more sexpartners ond had before marriage, the more likely one was to cheat. It completely refuted the idea around here that people need to get experienced before marriage.


Well there's experience and then there's promiscuity

Kinda different to me.

Marrying a virgin I would never do, it's asking for trouble.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Well there's experience and then there's promiscuity
> 
> Kinda different to me.
> 
> Marrying a virgin I would never do, it's asking for trouble.


That's interesting Tacoma. I married a virgin. We will be married 21 years this year.

I always wonder if she wishes she had more than just me. I asked her once if she did.

She said what is there to miss. It is not sex to her but love. And all she has ever known is love with me.

I consider myself lucky and privileged.

She chose me.....

HM


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I read about a study recently that found the more sexpartners ond had before marriage, the more likely one was to cheat. It completely refuted the idea around here that people need to get experienced before marriage.


I read either that study or a similar one. One of the conclusions reached was that although men tend to have more sex partners than women, when a man has had too many partners he is unable to form a strong bond with one woman and therefore is not a good candidate for monogamy. That's interesting since my first marriage I was very inexperienced and I would have been called a doormat. Result...my wife cheated on me and we ended up divorced. After that I had many sex partners. Too many really. Result...I am a more confident experienced man and my current marriage is excellent. Either I am an aberration or surveys are bullocks.


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## ThatGuyMEB (May 23, 2013)

Sorry for the delay. I'll update for the last few days.

W arrived home from work, I had already started the recording and transferred all join accounts into my personal account. I sat her down and handed her the print out I had and told her to explain herself.

No tears, and as best as she tried to hide her emotion, the only one I could see in her was fear. The talk went back and forth for about 45 minutes, she didn't even try to deny what had happened. She claimed (as I'd already figured to be true) that it was just the one time sexual encounter with the OM. Though in retrospect in thinking about things that had been going on over the course of our marriage I can definitely say there was a EA going on there.

I told her she needed to leave the house until Sunday, when I'd be gone for a week. She refused at first, telling me "maybe you should just leave." She seemed more upset over being asked/told to pack her things and go than she was about me finding her out. I finally gave her an ultimatum, which was that she could leave and have until Sunday to tell her folks what is going on, or make me go and I'd call them that night. She tried to call my bluff and I had her mom's number ringing on speakerphone so fast she didn't know what else to do but get up and go start packing her things.

She text and asked several times over the weekend if she could come home, all went unanswered. I had a late night Saturday with some friends blowing off steam, and woke today (Sunday) with her having already arrived back home. She was not supposed to be back till after I left.

I'm in the middle of getting my things together to leave for my mom's for the week. I'll try and update again in a bit.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Take your time, ignore the impatient people and post when you can.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

NO remorse. No kids, lease is gonna end soon.

I'd file asap.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow she is really cold. 18 months married and she does not even shed a tear. What does that tell you. Short marriage, no children and a cheating wife. You deserve better my friend.


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## Thingsfallapart (May 25, 2013)

Good for you for being strong and not responding to her messages. I need to follow your lead!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Very weird behaviour to keep a record of all your sexual liaisons. Why would someone do that? That would set alarm bells ringing for me. She obviously puts a lot of importance on anyone she sleeps with. But all wrong! The importance is on the sex. Listing them! There is no importance on your relationship or marriage!
> 
> I would get out of this marriage if I were you.
> 
> ...


The list seems a little OCD. Or a bit 'off'. Why would someone do this?:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At first the list seemed a bit odd.

But then I remembered that I had always kept a little notebook of my monthlies and my sexual encounters. I kept this when I was single and when I was married. The reason was that as a woman I could get pregnant. 

When a woman goes to the doctor they are asked for the date of their last monthly. We are often asked about the time between monthlies. We are often also asked when we last has sex. So I always took my little notebook to the doctor with me.

This was something my mom taught all 5 of her daughters to do.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> At first the list seemed a bit odd.
> 
> But then I remembered that I had always kept a little notebook of my monthlies and my sexual encounters. I kept this when I was single and when I was married. The reason was that as a woman I could get pregnant.
> 
> ...


I am going to get my wife a little book like that Elegirl just so she remembers the last time she gave it up to me.....

I think you handled the confrontation well TGM.

Sadly, your wife's reaction sucks.

Can she even tell you what she wants out of your marriage? Or if she even wants to be married?

Do not settle!

HM64


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She's not marriage material.
She didn't show remorse.
She sounded too concerned about unimportant things during your discussion.

Did she look like she care?
No. 
Even us on the forum can feel it.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Man you are lucky...you have escaped a life of torture...but it seems like you guys were on the rocks as it was....

I got a cold callous frozen response as well. That will stick with me until the day I die. There was fear there too but it was most likely about what was going to happen to her insurance rate type of fear...

I packed everything while she was at work....and took it to her parents house in large garbage bags.....i played no games....

I called them...told them I would like to come over....and asked them where they would like me to put her things....when i left i asked them to call her at work and tell her that she would be staying with them....

pack and go...way to go man....the cold part will sting for a while...after all the warmth and all of the years....to go stone cold...its sad really....like the person is without a heart...

i didn't think it cold to pack her things and put them at her parents home.....i was put into a position to do this....

what you did was good i think....if it were me....i would have gone 100% no contact right away....i didn't...and had to endure all of the 'i think of you always'....and all those sappy texts later on...when she tried to pretend and save face....because it probably dawns on them at some point....how cold, callous and cruel that they were.....


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

ps....the list thing is pretty crazy if you ask me....as I say 'she needs paperwork' .....

i mean marking your period is one thing...but a list of who you bang...that is some narcissist freak behavior in my book....or sociopathic....

did she have weird collages on the walls made from cutouts of magazines...right by the computer with the list.....like right by the candles and shrine?

creepy man......

but on the other hand....i have figured out one thing for my future...i will be installing spyware/keylogger on my next computer 100%

i don't care...people can flip on a dime...I knew about my ex cheating for almost 1 month...and held it in....so i could learn the ways of the snake.....when i told her later that i knew for almost 1 month...she called me a creep.....and I was floored.....really?....i think that is reserved for the liar, cheater, and thief.........whose not being honest here?

i was crushed man...but i turned it into a science experiment at some point.....like to see and learn as much as i could about the 'mask' that she had given me....i was like 'wow'...she has probably deceived me about so many things...

i don't deceive...or try to manipulate to get what i want....but i learned alot by not telling her for 1 month about people who lie, cheat, manipulate, and steal....that was priceless for sure....and it was freaking hard to do...i got really quiet..


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Maybe she was just in shock? 


Yeah, I don't believe it either.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> The list seems a little OCD. Or a bit 'off'. Why would someone do this?:scratchhead:


Why??

A lot of men have/has had, a little black book..Strange but true.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Eighty some partners? Thank your lucky stars you are not paying for someone else's kid. Look at this as a learning experience and realize just how fortunate you are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Why??
> 
> A lot of men have/has had, a little black book..Strange but true.


But not if they are married.

It's like the marriage never 'took' in her mind. Like when a vaccine does not offer immunity for some reason.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> *I am going to get my wife a little book like that Elegirl just so she remembers the last time she gave it up to me.....*
> 
> I think you handled the confrontation well TGM.
> 
> ...


lol ... yeah, my wife will get to page two in about 15 years and by that time the doctor isn't going to be asking anymore. Sorry, no threadjack ... that just cracked me up.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> But not if they are married.
> 
> It's like the marriage never 'took' in her mind. Like when a vaccine does not offer immunity for some reason.


Yes , i know what you mean. Should have worded it better.
I was more referring to her keeping track of "strange" thing´s


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

ThatGuyMEB, would you describe your wife as "very attractive"?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ThatGuyMEB said:


> No tears, and as best as she tried to hide her emotion, the only one I could see in her was fear. The talk went back and forth for about 45 minutes, she didn't even try to deny what had happened. She claimed (as I'd already figured to be true) that it was just the one time sexual encounter with the OM. Though in retrospect in thinking about things that had been going on over the course of our marriage I can definitely say there was a EA going on there.


My take is that is wasnt so much fear as it was surprise (that you found out) mixed with anxiety ("oh man I just lost my meal ticket"). 

Let me lay something on you....promiscuous types like your WW dont stop cold turkey. She does not have one single monogamous bone in her body. 37 sex partners and she's not even out of her 20s yet? 

*37?* There are some commercial passenger jets that dont carry that many people. 

Dude. C'mon. Now that you know how many cranks she's had inside her do you honestly think she's going to be satisfied being tied down sexually to one man? The reason she has not been having sex with you is simple: she is no longer sexually attracted to you: been there done that. It has nothing to do with guilt from her affair. You are a buddy, a pal, to her, nothing more. 

Guilty preople act guilty. She's not even trying to act like she's sorry. Why else would she get pissed and argue with you when you asked her to leave for a week?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Classic cake eater. Wants the security and stability of marriage, while having sex with other people.


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