# Sexual issues in marriage



## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi
I am new to this forum, but have been lurking for a few months.
I have issues in my marriage of 2 years because my husband says he lost sexual desire or attraction to me and he said it happened in his first marriage of 18 months, together 5 years. 

I am 35 and he is 41. Both fairly fit and active. We have a 2 yr old, dating 7 months when we found out pregnant. We have had a lot happen in our short relationship w deaths in family and illinesses also. Desire faded after I had the baby and I had been initiating to keep sex frequent until this bombshell was dropped a few months back.

Now in MC and counselor is trying to work through deep issues. He has expresses he wants desires to come back and doesn't want to end marriage. We are both fearful they can't or won't though.

Any experiences Or successes with this?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Any advice would be great!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If there's a history of this then that is a great clue to the cause that most couples don't have. Could be he is a heavy porn user who lightens up on the porn use when a relationship is new then as things settle in he goes back to it.

He could be suffering from a type of intimacy anxiety, usually the result of an abusive childhood. Again when a relationship first starts out the excitement and amplified sexual desire of a new relationship can override any intimacy fears until the relationship solidifies, then sex becomes unpleasant and stressful and men can start to suffer from sexual dysfunctions (another clue)

Could be a number of psychological problems like depression, anxiety or various personality disorders.

A lack of desire is the problem...find out what's causing it and you may be able to fix the problem in therapy.

Talking to his ex's might help a lot if that's possible...if it is a repeating problem in all his close relationships. But only talk to those he was with for a while not casual girlfriends because in casual relationships these problems are not often as apparent as they are in serious relationships.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Thank your for your advice! 

No porn problem as he has typically had a girlfriend, but casual between the two marriages (ten year span between both).

Comes from alcoholic father where family seemed to walk on eggshells around dad. Therapist talking about that with us.

He does say he still has desire, but with me feels more like a chore. But sex before this issue was good and he says it is still not vanilla sex. Vanilla sex was problem in first marriage.

Sounds like we have some hope then because it has reoccurred from first marriage and he also says it has never happened with casual relationships because he didn't love them or want them as a wife.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Anyone have a husband whose desire's came back?


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Try the karezza approach. Google for info on it. Also get the book cupid's poisoned arrow.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Also I still very much suspect he is secretly looking at porn. The sudden loss of attraction for a familiar partner is the classic symptom of a porn with masturbation addiction. Please search for other threads on this forum on this and you'll see a pattern similar to your story. Install a key logger on his computer just to know for sure (yes it is snooping but you have a very good reason). Don't ask him about porn again or he would just take more pains to cover his tracks.


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## ToriTorrey (Sep 5, 2012)

He could be suffering from a type of intimacy anxiety


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

At the counselor yesterday the focus was on anxiety and pressure when my h is in more intimate relationships. 
@toritorrey: do you know anything about or if it can be overcome?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Kari said:


> Try the karezza approach. Google for info on it. Also get the book cupid's poisoned arrow.


Highly recommend Cupids Poison Arrow.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat, 
Everyone has a different post view on this topic however: I would keylog his computers/assess his phone data use. The purpose is solely to eliminate porn as a possible cause. If it isn't porn, and remove the key logger and assess other possible causes. 

How strong was his desire, and how frequently did he initiate before you got pregnant and during the pregnancy? 

Did he have difficulty getting hard staying hard?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@mem11363 pretty sure it is not porn because his computer is downstairs and he rarely is on it as we spend most of our time with our toddler and he we are typically together.
Frequency at beginning was 3 to 4 times a week and we both initiated. After I was pregnant it slowed to once a week and I was intiator. Then he admitted he had lost desires and felt pressure which is when I stopped intiating and we started counseling.
No difficulties with getting or staying hard.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Does he have a smart phone? When I was watching porn on a regular basis it was exclusively on my phone. Never ever on the family computer. I also used a 3rd party browser called perfect browser so that it wouldn't show in the history on Safari on my iphone.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Yes he does have a smartphone. Not sure when he would watch it? While getting ready for work? I guess that could happen.
Still seems to be some block regarding intimacy though??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat,
How old is he? 
Is he physically healthy?

Did it slow to once a week before you were even showing?








Kat76 said:


> @mem11363 pretty sure it is not porn because his computer is downstairs and he rarely is on it as we spend most of our time with our toddler and he we are typically together.
> Frequency at beginning was 3 to 4 times a week and we both initiated. After I was pregnant it slowed to once a week and I was intiator. Then he admitted he had lost desires and felt pressure which is when I stopped intiating and we started counseling.
> No difficulties with getting or staying hard.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I would tend to rub oil on myself..(full body) and use a giant pink vibrator..(with the shades open) ,,,


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Sometimes sexual disinterest is due to upstream issues in the marriage. It's hard to get into the mood when you're carrying anger/resentment around and not talking about it. Also he may be overwhelmed with the work, kids, etc. Be brutally honest with each other. you two need to create a mood/environment for sex to set the stage for some good loving. Finally, men are visual creatures - do you wear the sexy stuff? Go out for drinks/dancing first and flirt with each other. Maybe you're just taking each other for granted?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@mem11363 
He is 41 and in good health. Desire started to wane once I was showing, I think. Came back some after pregnancy but he said he kept fighting "it".
@influx
We have a lot of things we do together. Sports, nights out, vacation. He feels we are best friends. Sexy clothes doesn't help because then he feels pressure. Seems like I am the higher desire one in the marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Madonna ***** complex?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

I hope not because I don't think their is much hope for that one!
Like I mentioned before it happened in first marriage too, which leads me to think fear of intimacy and may be performance anxiety. Or just a swallow ass! Lol


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat,
I do not know if the process I described below applies to men losing desire. It definitely is a common reason women lose desire for their men. I wrote this for men, but it likely applies in many cases to women. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html






Kat76 said:


> I hope not because I don't think their is much hope for that one!
> Like I mentioned before it happened in first marriage too, which leads me to think fear of intimacy and may be performance anxiety. Or just a swallow ass! Lol


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Could be some test level issues. 

A recent supplement called D-aspartic acid taken in doses of 1g+ a day has shown to increase test production by 33% naturally. So if you give him that, it should kick start his production, and kick his balls into over drive. I heard higher doses can up it up to a 40% increase, and it is ALL NATURAL! So none of the nasty side-effects like steroids have. Except maybe some acne, and getting horny...

And another little thing came out called Horny Goat Weed. It is an herb that operates on the same principle of viagra, to give us guys A LOT of wood. 



But if you want immediate, you may look into testosterone therapy. It will probably be embarrassing for him to bring up with a doctor, but it is worth a shot.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Has he had blood work done. an endocrinologist would be able to see if any hormones are off. Low testosterone is a big one but usually that causes ED more then just disinterest.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Every problem is because of PORN[wrong]Maybe if you start watching porn together that would be a turn on,have you asked him what he wants to do in the bedroom or tell him what yiu would like him to do 

You also talk about deaths in family and illinesses also plus you had a baby and for a short relatioship that is a lot,maybe he that is all just on his mind.He could also just be one of those low sex drive people or since the thrill of the chase is gone and you are now fullt with each other that could play into it.

Its not porn and do you really want to spy on your husband.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

We had a pretty good non vanilla sex life and now it does not matter what I do. Dress sexy, talk dirty, try new things.... He says he just lost those desires for me.
Haven't got T checked as he says he stills masturbates when needed.
So frustrating because we have most everything else going for us. No financial troubles, good jobs, healthy, beautiful 2 yr old and so on.
@dubbizle: agree it has been a lot in a short window and that is partly what the counselor is saying could have happened. Combined with issues from childhood.


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