# Is it really possible/worth it to save a bad marriage?



## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

I think my user name kind of says it all, but how do you know when there's no turning back? My husband and I should never had gotten married in the first place for a number of reasons, but we are now two kids in. We come from very family-based upbringings and are very close to our extended families as well, so the idea of breaking up our family is unbearable to either one of us. We have a history of problems. After years of trying to get my husband to address his contributions to our failing marriage, I finally told him I'm thinking about separation. Suddenly, he's addressing everything I've tried to talk to him about over the last 10 years, and wanting some miraculous turnaround to salvage this marriage. I feel like it's too late. I love him like family, but no longer see him as a romantic partner. How much effort should I put into saving this marriage?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

First off you didn't really give us a lot of details. However I do note the following quotes. 



2lil2late said:


> Suddenly, he's addressing everything I've tried to talk to him about over the last 10 years, and wanting some miraculous turnaround to salvage this marriage.


And...



2lil2late said:


> We come from very family-based upbringings and are very close to our extended families as well, so the idea of breaking up our family is unbearable to either one of us.


And...



2lil2late said:


> I feel like it's too late.


So in short it sounds like he's willing to work on the marriage while you are not. In addition it sounds like breaking up the family is more unbearable to him than you. Sometimes I get the feeling people come here almost asking permission to get a divorce. You don't need permission of course. It's 100% up to you. The devil is in the details. Is he an alcoholic? Is he a drug addict? Does he cheat? Does he work too long hours? Does he work at all? Is he lazy? Is he abusive? What exactly are the issues? If he's trying and you're not willing to, what do you want someone to tell you?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

2lil2late said:


> I think my user name kind of says it all, but how do you know when there's no turning back? My husband and I should never had gotten married in the first place for a number of reasons, but we are now two kids in. We come from very family-based upbringings and are very close to our extended families as well, so the idea of breaking up our family is unbearable to either one of us. We have a history of problems. After years of trying to get my husband to address his contributions to our failing marriage, I finally told him I'm thinking about separation. Suddenly, he's addressing everything I've tried to talk to him about over the last 10 years, and wanting some miraculous turnaround to salvage this marriage. I feel like it's too late. I love him like family, but *no longer see him as a romantic partner.* How much effort should I put into saving this marriage?


Is this because you replaced him as a romantic partner? As per your other post, if you are the one having the affair you need to stop it right now and see how willing he is to try to save the marriage. Especially if this is the most effort he has put into it since you rattled his cage.

If it truly is too little, too late, just go straight for divorce and don't bother with the separation.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

2lil2late said:


> I think my user name kind of says it all, but how do you know when there's no turning back? My husband and I should never had gotten married in the first place for a number of reasons, but we are now two kids in. We come from very family-based upbringings and are very close to our extended families as well, so the idea of breaking up our family is unbearable to either one of us. We have a history of problems. After years of trying to get my husband to address his contributions to our failing marriage, I finally told him I'm thinking about separation. Suddenly, he's addressing everything I've tried to talk to him about over the last 10 years, and wanting some miraculous turnaround to salvage this marriage. I feel like it's too late. I love him like family, but no longer see him as a romantic partner. How much effort should I put into saving this marriage?


usually when someone comes on here saying that their husband is now doing everything right but it is too late, they usually are, or have been, cheating. 

have you already found someone else that you want to have a relationship with? if so, then you are going to sabotage every effort your husband makes, vilify him no matter what he does, and will likely look back at your marriage and decide to paint all of it in a terrible light. you will forget about all the good times and will treat him like the scum of the earth, even if he is putting ten times as much effort into your relationship as your affair partner. 

please tell me this is not the case...


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

2lil2late said:


> I think my user name kind of says it all, but how do you know when there's no turning back? My husband and I should never had gotten married in the first place for a number of reasons, but we are now two kids in. We come from very family-based upbringings and are very close to our extended families as well, so the idea of breaking up our family is unbearable to either one of us. We have a history of problems. After years of trying to get my husband to address his contributions to our failing marriage, I finally told him I'm thinking about separation. Suddenly, he's addressing everything I've tried to talk to him about over the last 10 years, and wanting some miraculous turnaround to salvage this marriage. I feel like it's too late. I love him like family, but no longer see him as a romantic partner. How much effort should I put into saving this marriage?


It's never too late to save a relationship unless one of you is dead. That not being the case, it's not too late.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It may never be too late, but it is often not worth the effort. My ex and I tried to keep the marriage going many times - we did, for a long time, but the problems always returned, and were always the same. All that effort was not worth it - in our case. You have to decide if it would be worth it if things changed - and just how much they'd have to change to make it worthwhile.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People often think that marital problems lead to a disconnect which leaves them vulnerable to feelings for someone else and then an affair ensues.

Very often however it is the opposite.

Many times the marriage is fundamentally healthy and intact. What often happens is someone gets an attraction for someone else and when they allow themselves to cross that line (whether it be emotional or physical) then that is when they start to lose respect for and begin to become hypercritical of their spouse.

In other words it is the attraction and interaction with the AP that leads to the disconnect, suspect and rage towards the spouse that leads to the break down of the M. 

It's the affair that causes the marital problems, not the other way around.

You say that your H is trying. But his efforts are in vain if you are involved with the OM because he doesn't know what is actually trying for.

Additionally, no spouse of many years can compete against the thrill and excitement of a new body in bed.

Especially a new body that you do not have pay bills with, launder their underwear, clean up kid-puke with or deal with deaths in the family, car repairs etc etc.

An affair is all fun and excitement and sparkly light and shiny things - there's no actual work or drudgery of daily living.

You haven't said anything about your H being a drunk/druggie, abusive, unfaithful, chronically unemployed/underemployed etc etc so therefor we are left to assume that he simply isn't as sparkly and shiny in your eyes as your AP. 

You don't need our permission to divorce. In fact in many ways it's probably more humane to simply divorce your H and let him move in to someone that will respect and desire him rather than make him jump through hoops and perform tricks and tie himself into pretzels to try to please you when he really doesn't even know what he is competing for.

If he knew he was he was having to outperform a new lover of yours, he may simply opt out and let you be with your AP rather than jumping through hoops in order to win a cheating, unfaithful and unappreciative adulteress.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He is in a no-win scenario.

He is jumping through hoops and trying to transform himself. 

If she dumps him anyway, he's done all these back flips and triple axles for nothing.

But if he does happen to "win" - his prize is a cheating wife who does not respect or appreciate him and has other men's stuff oozing out of her into his bed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> He is in a no-win scenario.
> 
> He is jumping through hoops and trying to transform himself.
> 
> ...


I agree OP cut him loose so he can find someone who will be faithful to him.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I agree OP cut him loose so he can find someone who will be faithful to him.


OP hasnt yet stated that she is the one who cheated. granted, her posts seem to indicate(rather strongly, IMO) that she is, since she mentioned possible "positive" results of infidelity on another thread. 

im still waiting to hear if she cheated or if it was her husband...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> OP hasnt yet stated that she is the one who cheated. granted, her posts seem to indicate(rather strongly, IMO) that she is, since she mentioned possible "positive" results of infidelity on another thread.
> 
> im still waiting to hear if she cheated or if it was her husband...


True. We don't have confirmation yet.

But 99.9999% of BS's will use the term "he/she cheated" somewhere in the first 3 sentences of their very first post.

She has been very carefully wording every post and dancing around that issue with a variety of flowery terms and phrases and talking about the potential benefits of cheating.

That is pretty much the exclusive realm and domain of the WS. 

No BS has ever talked about the benefits and happy outcomes of infidelity.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I honestly don't understand the "every relationship must be saved" mentality displayed by some here. Cheating is a symptom of larger issues and should be treated as such. Typically when it gets to the cheating stage, it is already too late and perhaps the best bet might just be to pull the plug and let each other go.
Besides thinking every relationship (especially a marriage) should be saved. I also read all of the "my first wife cheated and so did my second wife and now my GF has cheated too" threads. Like I said cheating is a symptom, it is not the real issue. So some people think they have solved the issue of cheating by focusing on that issue, without ever addressing the real issue. Then it continues to happen again, and again. 
Regardless of whether the OP cheated or not, she has stated that the marriage is not a happy one. They got married for all the wrong reasons. For that fact alone, the OP should cut her H loose. Why try to save something that never should have been created at all?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

After reading more of your stuff I feel it is disingenuous of you to ask this question without including that you're actively cheating on your husband while he tries to work on your relationship in vein.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ynot said:


> I honestly don't understand the "every relationship must be saved" mentality displayed by some here. Cheating is a symptom of larger issues and should be treated as such. Typically when it gets to the cheating stage, it is already too late and perhaps the best bet might just be to pull the plug and let each other go.
> Besides thinking every relationship (especially a marriage) should be saved. I also read all of the "my first wife cheated and so did my second wife and now my GF has cheated too" threads. Like I said cheating is a symptom, it is not the real issue. So some people think they have solved the issue of cheating by focusing on that issue, without ever addressing the real issue. Then it continues to happen again, and again.
> Regardless of whether the OP cheated or not, she has stated that the marriage is not a happy one. They got married for all the wrong reasons. For that fact alone, the OP should cut her H loose. Why try to save something that never should have been created at all?


Point taken. And if you have read any of my other posts you will see that I absolutely do not have a mentality that all Rs/Ms must be saved. In fact I think a lot should be either put out of their misery or allowed to die a natural death with dignity.

But I do disagree that all affairs are begotten from dysfunctional marriages or that A's are just a symptom.

I believe in many cases the marital problems originate from the shift of attraction, desire and respect from the BS to the AP.

In many cases the A is the precipitating event and not the response. The A is the disease and not the symptom.

When a WS says "we married for the wrong reasons/ we never should have married" - that is often them rewriting history. 

The first 10 or 15 years of the marriage was fine, functional and healthy. It was only once they started getting flooded with feel-good hormones for the AP did they start to find insufferable faults with the BS or the marriage.

That is often them simply trying to justify getting down with the AP.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Point taken. And if you have read any of my other posts you will see that I absolutely do not have a mentality that all Rs/Ms must be saved. In fact I think a lot should be either put out of their misery or allowed to die a natural death with dignity.
> 
> But I do disagree that all affairs are begotten from dysfunctional marriages or that A's are just a symptom.
> 
> ...


My post was not aimed at you in anyway. I have read many of your posts and typically agree wholeheartedly.
But I do disagree with you in regards to affairs in this reply to me.
What you consider a precipitating event is what I consider the response to the dysfunctions you had already mentioned. I do not believe that As happen in a vacuum. The environment has to be right for them. I believe that A's are not precipitating events but actually the appearance of symptoms of the underlying problem. 
Even if it is simply lack of respect or shifting attraction, those things have happened already, the affair is just the product of those issues.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Point taken. And if you have read any of my other posts you will see that I absolutely do not have a mentality that all Rs/Ms must be saved. In fact I think a lot should be either put out of their misery or allowed to die a natural death with dignity.
> 
> But I do disagree that all affairs are begotten from dysfunctional marriages or that A's are just a symptom.
> 
> ...


Bingo, would be nice to have all the of the circumstances and details, such as why they should have never been married and if he is a substance abuser, low drive, bad father, etc.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@2lil2late 

Why don't you tell us the whole story. You will get better advice.


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