# I think it's time...



## Hepburn (Feb 11, 2013)

After 7 years of marriage and 3 years of dating/living together, I think we've come to our end. I'm 33 and he is 32, we don't have any children, and I used my inheritance and cashed out my retirement savings to buy a home a few months ago.

My father died in December of 2012 and my mother who has mild dementia has come to live with us. It's challenging for both of us, I would never say that it is easy, but it isn't so awful that we can't live a happy life together. Her dementia makes her a little forgetful, she can't cook anymore, she forgets little things like brushing her teeth, and she sometimes repeats herself. My sister lives close by and takes care of my mother three nights a week and every other weekend to give us a break.

It has been a bit over a year since my mother has come to live with us, and it has revealed a side of my husband that I had no idea was there. He was a pretty calm and easygoing guy who would occasionally get frustrated or miffed, nothing major. But since my mother moved in I've seen him change into a monster. He's angry all the time, he's passive aggressive, contentious, and he is very mean and disrespectful to my mother. It frightens me to think that someone could have that much darkness inside to be so nasty. It also frightens me that I didn't know him well enough to know he had this in him before I married him.

Yesterday was my birthday and before sitting down to my favorite dinner (spaghetti and meatballs) that I made for all of us, he went to pull a plate out of the cabinet that my mother must have taken out of the dishwasher without noticing that it didn't get completely clean. He flew off the handle about how it is unacceptable for her to have put the dish away dirty, what the hell is wrong with her, this is ridiculous, I'm sick of this s***blah, blah, blah...In short, we had a fight, and his behavior ruined my birthday.

We've tried counseling to no avail, he is not depressed, and putting my mother in a nursing home is not an option, not financially, nor culturally, it's just something I won't do. 

He slept in the other bedroom last night, and he will until he moves out as far as I'm concerned. How do I start the divorce process? I don't think he will leave easily, but I've had it with him. If his life is so damn awful, he should just leave. 

Am I wrong?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yes, you are WRONG. You started all of this by insisting that your mother come to live with you. You can't realistically do that and expect your relationship to last. You are responsible for making your husband into what he is now and you should be responsible for helping to return to where he was instead of kicking him out the door.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you're going to have any hope of remaining together, you're going to have to sit down and reason. Try to enlist the help of a MC or a pastor, if at all possible!

And if you can't bring yourself to do that, then I'd think that there is little to no hope for continuation!*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I disagree that she's in the wrong. But I'm hoping the decision to move mom in was a mutual one? 

In any case, your first step is to talk to a lawyer to find out your options. Your rights and responsibilities. And then you can make an informed decision from there. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, you said you've tried counseling. Marriage counseling? And how did that go? In your opinion, why did it fail?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hepburn (Feb 11, 2013)

JB02157 When did I imply that insisted my mother come live with me? When my father died I asked him if he would be open about my mother coming to live with us and after thinking it over a few days he agreed.

I noted that I wouldn't put her in a nursing home because I was predicting that some of the advice I would receive from readers would be to put her in a nursing home.

You seem angry at the world, I hope you find peace within yourself.


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## Hepburn (Feb 11, 2013)

Thanks PBear, we tried counseling before because in the past he has had a lot of trouble becoming motivated at work. He's been fired from a lot of jobs for the same reasons, and I felt like he was relying on me to take care of him. It has caused a lot of friction between us.

The behaviors persist, but fortunately he now has a job where he does his own thing and no one really manages him. That's why I think marriage counseling failed, also because he never felt comfortable talking to someone and would sometimes omit the truth or try alleviate it in our sessions with the counselor.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm afraid bringing your mother to live with you was a game-changer for him. Having an elderly parent who you take care of is extremely stressful -- right up there with death, divorce and moving.

Why does she have to go to a nursing home? I was able to find very suitable living arrangments for my parents in an assisted living community which is nothing like a skilled nursing home. They had their own apartment inside a beautiful facility with all the help they could possibly need, less than 1 mile from my house. I was able to visit them every day which is still extremely stressful, but nothing like providing care 24/7.

*You are in essence choosing your mother over your husband.* This is wrong. I don't blame him for being upset at being second choice.

I agree that his Jekyll and Hyde behavior must have come as quite a shock to you since you had no idea he possessed these qualities. It sounds like you are done though; you can't reconcile the "new" him with the one you married. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want out?

Depending on what state you live in, you can start the divorce process by downloading the forms from the courthouse and get the ball rolling. Also, depending on your assets and how "intertwined" your finances are (do you both work?) will determine whether you need to hire a lawyer or not. One of you will eventually have to go, or you could sell the house and both move. The court would probably look favorably on you staying in the house since you are caring for your elderly mother.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried counseling for the issue of your mom living there?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why didn't you have children?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Hepburn (Feb 11, 2013)

Responses to Happy as a Clam, PBBear, and Longwalk:

I understand that he would think that I'm choosing my mother over him, but how to make him understand that he has turned into a really mean person? He isn't even the same person I married. I dread coming home because I know something is going to set him off.

We haven't had children because I have difficulty relying on him to hold down a job, he has issues with being responsible and dedicated at work, and it scares me to raise a child with someone who isn't quite mature yet.

We haven't tried counseling for this issue with my mother, partly because he was so uncooperative the first go round that I'm not sure it's worth the effort. Maybe it's worth a shot.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hepburn said:


> JB02157 When did I imply that insisted my mother come live with me? When my father died I asked him if he would be open about my mother coming to live with us and after thinking it over a few days he agreed.
> 
> I noted that I wouldn't put her in a nursing home because I was predicting that some of the advice I would receive from readers would be to put her in a nursing home.
> 
> You seem angry at the world, I hope you find peace within yourself.


Sometimes we cause situations without realizing the harm they caused along the way. I think this is the case here. You caused a very difficult situation in your home with bringing your mother in. This obviously caused problems your for husband that he may not have anticipated when he agreed and made him angry. I think that maybe he felt under pressure from you to let you bring your mother in. It really does seem that you are choosing your mother over your husband, and yes this is wrong. I would urge you to try to help your husband through this or consider other arrangements for your mother. 

I faced this same dilemma over a year ago. My elderly mother and lives far away by herself. We cannot move there and bringing her in to live with us would strain and probably end and already terrible marriage. It's hard do to but I had no choice but to keep her where she is.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hepburn said:


> ...I understand that he would think that I'm choosing my mother over him, but how to make him understand that he has turned into a really mean person? He isn't even the same person I married.


Ah... but herein lies the conundrum. He apparently has "turned into a really mean person" *because* you usurped him and brought your mother in, right?

If I'm understanding your dilemma correctly, he would have been fine and "normal" otherwise. None of this started until you brought her in.

I think a long, heartfelt conversation with your husband is in order. Tell him you realize that moving your mother here was not in the best interest of your marriage, and you had no idea it would affect him the way it has. Take some responsibility for your actions, apologize for the stress it has placed on your marriage, and then the two of you come up with a solution TOGETHER for your mother's living arrangements. 

Give him back some of the power you have taken away from him.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I have to agree with most of the advice given so far. There's no excuse for being passive aggressive - that's on him. But when he agreed to take your Mom in, was he really given a choice? Were alternatives seriously discussed? Did he get an equal vote, or did you just make the decision? I think he probably agreed just to keep the peace. 

You didn't say how old your mom is. Someone with early onset Alzheimer's can live that way a long time. Your husband might be understanding the reality of the situation now - years of this arrangement with your Mom slowly declining over time. In other words, it will just get worse. 

You didn't say what kind of relationship your husband had with your mother before she got sick. It would have to have been extraordinarily close for him to actually want her in his house and to care for her. She's your mother, he's probably not going to have the same connection to her.


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