# He Relapsed; I Left



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Things had been going so well... But I did expect this, unfortunately. One twist - he actually confessed it to me, (I could sense a change in personality however subtle). I do give him credit for coming clean, but after he started coming down and getting nasty with me I left.

Feeling pretty lonely right now and wondering what I could have done better. I don't want to punish him for speaking the truth (as he currently feels), but I need him to know his sobriety is very important to us both.

We texted a bit before bed tonight. I was blunt and told him I didn't think it was working out. It seemed as though he was the one this time who wanted to work on things more than I did.

Just looking for some wisdom and encouragement. I think he's actually shocked that I didn't stay and duke it out with him like I normally would have. In fact, I spent several hours ignoring him before he found me hanging out at the Walmart to kill time/get away for a bit to think.

As far as trust, he keeps saying things like one day I'll have to "let go" - but I don't see him making a real effort to rebuild it. He refers to my requests for transparency as "demands", says I'm "overbearing" and whatnot. It seems so skewed to me.

Where do I go from here? How will I know when/if he's ready to make a serious commitment to betterment?

How much credit can I give him for coming clean? Obviously I want him to know his honesty IS appreciated.

@*!?/+ 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Also - when can/should I return? I drove to the next city over to stay at my mom's house. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm so sorry.

There are several things you can do, mainly get your logistics and framework for your life organized. You need to know that you can manage on your own, physically and emotionally.

Line up support system, and make the shift from reconciliation to moving on. Protect yourself from continued interference.
Someone who turns nasty on you when confronted with a discussion about personality changes that you can notice, is not someone who is a candidate for long-term relationship. Being truthful could be his way of giving himself an excuse for saying that you are now being unfair to him. The fact is he was lying. It's crazy making when someone does something wrong and then tells the truth about it and then says, blithely, you need to get over this and be forgiving. OK, so maybe you can forgive for the thing he did wrong, but do you then have to forgive him for asking you to constantly suppress your true emotions for his benefit? My H too acted like I was being abusive because of the transparency that he agreed to. 

Probably it would be good to discuss with your therapist which of your ongoing symptoms might be due to your relationship, it sounds toxic. I know first-hand that a lot of symptoms can be your body/mind trying to tell you something, if you are intelligent and creative, your logic and desires can often over-ride your intuition.

You made a good step in figuring out that something had subtly changed. What do you do now? You pay more attention to feelings like that, and over time you gain confidence, and you just develop as a stronger, smarter, more resilient and confident person. There's no fireworks, although a turning point is something to celebrate. So you could do that too, say goodbye to one thing and hello to something completely different, sometimes scary but always yours.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't return. You have to protect yourself from what he can say and do to you. Which appears to have substantial effect.

Please go back and re-read your past posts with your new viewpoint.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YinPrincess said:


> Just looking for some wisdom and encouragement. I think he's actually shocked that I didn't stay and duke it out with him like I normally would have. In fact, I spent several hours ignoring him before he found me hanging out at the Walmart to kill time/get away for a bit to think.
> 
> @*!?/+
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't offer wisdom, but perhaps encouragement. Yin - you have to do what is best for your unborn child and you. You are vulnerable, a few months away from your due date. I know you wish he could stay clean, but you can't make him, you know that. So now it's up to you to decide what to do from here. Really. He's proven time and time again that he can't stay sober, in that regard, you will be the only person the little one can count on. 

Is your mom willing to have you stay for a while, is it feasible to do that? You have to show him you are serious and if he does not change, you will take the steps you need to to raise your child in a safe and happy environment, alone if you must. I was a single mom for many many years. It actually has it's pluses and it's not the end of the world.


{{{HUGS to you}}}


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It would be so much easier to do if I had a place to go. Even worse that we are right in the middle of moving and things need to be squared away between both houses. At this point I wish I could just stay in the old house but there's no way we could afford two rentals.

The stay at my mom's house was awful last night. She has way too many cats and the house reaks. Even worse, I had to sleep on the couch because she has cats in the bedroom. Now I'm depressed because she has all these sad stinky animals. She has a problem.  I hardly slept due to all the noise the squabbling cats made, and the smell is making me ill. There's no way I can stay here. 

I might be able to stay at my sister's for a day or two - but she is the sort who tires of company quickly, and with her house already having four occupants I'd just be back on a couch with no privacy, and unwanted within a day or two.

I really need this to make an impact on hubby's brain. I guess I can't leave now because of all the circumstances. Stay in a shelter maybe? Everyone will think it's just to spite him, and think I'm being a martyr. (Enabling runs deep in my family - no wonders where I learned it, eh)?

This really sucks. 

I'm not sure what to do - but as soon as he's at work I'm going home for some sleep!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

It's hard to live with someone using drugs, especially when you are trying to do the right thing. How can you be doing this to spite him? You are spiting his using, not him as a person. It should be very understandable. I know it's hard. I couldn't leave my H in our darkest hour. So I'm one to be suggesting that route, huh? If it's possible and comfortable, I would suggest staying in a shelter, if for nothing else, to make a statement that enough is enough. Distant yourself, start focusing on you and your child, as it's getting really close. Maybe, just maybe, he will see and understand how serious this is and he'll get his shyt together. 

I can have hope, right?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You and me both, girl. 

I'm not planning on talking to him much today. Let him sit and think about things. Well, he probably won't... But maybe he will.

I'm not telling him I'm going back to the house, either. In fact, I'm talking to my sis right now about staying with her for a little bit.

Part of me thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. The other part of me is deathly afraid he won't try and I'll have to stay gone and really do this by myself.  It was hard enough before (with my ex) without being pregnant, and being SURE I wanted out. We'll see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed for me! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Ugh. He already texted me this morning to say he spent the night at our new house... I didn't respond but this irks me for two reasons 1.) We were going to spend the night there together for the first time, and 2.) If I had known that I wouldn't have driven all the way to my mom's to stay the night. I gladly would have gone back to the old house if I had known.

Sounds petty, I know, but this is already getting under my skin. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YinPrincess said:


> Ugh. He already texted me this morning to say he spent the night at our new house... I didn't respond but this irks me for two reasons 1.) We were going to spend the night there together for the first time, and 2.) If I had known that I wouldn't have driven all the way to my mom's to stay the night. I gladly would have gone back to the old house if I had known.
> 
> Sounds petty, I know, but this is already getting under my skin.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd text him back and say great, will you stay there through the weekend so I can stay at the old house? Of course that would open up a can of worms for you though  Sounds like you are going to have a long weekend any way you look at it.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Get some sleep/rest so you can think clearly. Can you stay at the house he's not at for the next couple days?


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Yin Princess,
I feel for you, and although I don't know your whole story, it seems a lot like mine. I am very appreciative my husband came clean about getting pills a few days ago, but am really pi$$ed he got them. What to do, huh? 

You say he wants to work on your marriage, but is he willing to work on his addiction? That is the number one thing. The marriage will get better if the addiction gets better. When my H went into rehab there were lots of problems in our marriage. He really did work hard to be sober at first with lots of meetings etc. I didn't see him as much but our time spent together was quality. The marriage got better the longer he was out of his haze without conciously "working" at it - it came naturally because we both loved and respected eachother again.

I don't think you are being controlling for wanting transparancy. This is absolutely reasonable. An addiction councilor told my husband and I it was controlling, I think it gave him the green light. Addicts lie constantly, and we are supposed to trust them blindly?!?!? How dumb is that?!?! He knows it too, is just trying to blame shift.

Stay strong and stick to your boundaries. I know it's hard being pregnant and having to go through this, my thoughts are with you.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Things had been going so well... But I did expect this, unfortunately. One twist - he actually confessed it to me, (I could sense a change in personality however subtle). I do give him credit for coming clean, but after he started coming down and getting nasty with me I left.
> 
> *Feeling pretty lonely right now and wondering what I could have done better. I don't want to punish him for speaking the truth (as he currently feels), but I need him to know his sobriety is very important to us both.*
> 
> ...


I'm so proud of you for making a boundary and following through! That's awesome! Not fun or easy, but such a great step for you both.

There's not anything that YOU could have done better. HE is making the choice to use. HE's making the choice to keep using. HE's making the choice to not seek any kind of treatment for his addiction. 

Him making the grand gesture of "honesty" is really meaningless right now. All it is doing is showing you that he's so deep in his addiction and so secure that you won't do anything about it, that he doesn't have to hide it. It's great for you to support him, but you have to support him in the right actions. It's not enough to just say that sobriety is important. A healthy diet is important. Sticking to a budget is important. Sobriety, and moreover, _recovery_ should be non-negotiable for your relationship to continue.

How will you know he's committed to change? When he gets treatment. It's that simple. He can go for limited periods without _using_, but without addressing the addiction itself, it's always going to be the third person in your marriage. When he commits and follows through on some form of treatment, whether it's NA or detox or whatever, and does it for a serious amount of time, THEN you'll know he wants to change. 

And truly, I wouldn't put a lot of stock in this "honesty" of his. He's an addict. If you told you about once, that means that he used half a dozen times before that. You can tell him you appreciate it or whatever, but you have to take it for what it's worth.

The bottom line is that until he shows you that he's ready to change instead of turning it around on you, you've just got a checked-out husband that you can't trust to care for your baby, your money or anything else. 

The question isn't what can you do for him, the question is where are you going to draw the line? I know that the logistics are difficult right now with moving and pregnancy. Maybe that means you just have to get your ducks in a row for a bit. But you can go to meetings and get support. You can set boundaries for when you're willing to allow him around you and your child if he's high. And you can let him know that you'll do whatever you can to support him _when he gets treatment_. Otherwise, he doesn't get to have all the affection and attention that he's had while you've been trying to make yourself more attractive than pills to him. It's that simple (not easy, but simple, lol).

Hang in there--


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OK, your family's homes are uninhabitable for valid reasons, and you care what they think? Yes, I'd say go to a shelter. Your pregnancy makes you vulnerable and your H is on drugs? You need stability, with your family and your H the way they are, and you being pregnant, a shelter is the only way that is going to happen. Dont' care so much what they think, the cats only like them because they get fed!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

LoL Homemaker! 

I'm back at the old house for the time being. I'm cleaning and trying to get the rest of our crap out of here.

He came over after work to help - has been quite cheerful, flirty and complimenting me a lot. Instead of making me feel good I just feel aloof and suspicious.

Just going to deal with the business at hand and probably go back to my mom's or my sister's for tonight. Will look into shelters for more long term solutions.

Why is it that when all I wanted was his attention and affection I couldn't get it - and now that he's being that way - he's just - annoying? :facepalm:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> He came over after work to help - has been quite cheerful, flirty and complimenting me a lot. Instead of making me feel good I just feel aloof and suspicious.
> 
> 
> Why is it that when all I wanted was his attention and affection I couldn't get it - and now that he's being that way - he's just - annoying? :facepalm:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ummm......because he knows that's been what you want most all along and he thinks is the best way to make sure that you come back and keep things comfortable so he can focus on his addiction? :scratchhead:

Just a thought.....


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Probably - but all I feel is annoyed and distant. Guess it sucks to be him because I'm just not feeling any interest at the moment. Maybe I've shut down irreparably...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Personally I think it's a good thing that a few lovey-doveys aren't sending you over the moon that NOW it'll all be okay! As much as it sucks for you to feel like you do, it's nice to see you care about yourself more 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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