# Husband had a one month affair. No sex involved. Trying to reconcile. Need advice.



## Songbird21 (May 15, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Married for 15 of them. We have a little girl who just turned 11 in March. Until 2 years ago we were a textbook awesome family.

I have 3 mental disorders: obsessive compulsive disorder, a lifelong mild depressive disorder, and an anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 20; about 5 months after I got married. I got on Buspar and Zoloft and was doing well for a long time.

Not long after the movie "Avatar" came out my husband and I went to see it. Due partly to a death scene near the end I had a horrible relapse of my symptoms which left me curled up on the couch, barely doing more than existing for nearly 2 weeks. After that I was able to function but the horrible temper flares I'd had before being diagnosed returned with a vengance. Most of my outbursts (Around 80% of them) have been at my computer or my cat. After a year or so of these outburts, combined with my need to be up till 2 or 3 in the morning playing video games to avoid panic attacks, began to chip away at my husband's nerves and, eventually, his love for me. It also didn't help that a few months after my relapse my husband got laid off from his job of 7 years.

He'd had this friend, who for anonymity sake I will call Erin, for at least 8 months and they'd been particularly close for at least the last four. On Mother's Day I was transferring a video I had taken onto my computer from my camera and found pictures of my husband and Erin kissing. I asked him if he was cheating on me and his answer was a deafening silence. I stood up after a moment and slapped Erin, who'd been sitting on the couch, in the face. She ran out. My husband and I had a long, loud, emotional argument and finally he took her home and hasn't seen or talked to her since. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. 

What's confusing is my husband is a good man. And the idea that he could cheat on me when his first wife did the same to him is just mind boggling. He is truely sorry for what he did. He says there's only the tiniest bit of the romantic love he had for me left. What we're trying to do is stay together, being married best friends who don't see other people with the hope that with counsiling and time his love for me will return completely.

The affair was only a month. They only kissed, but I still want to stick my fingers through Erin's eyes and pull her brains out through the sockets. My husband was feeling lonely, hurt and was missing the love he had for me so he found a substitute. So while it's going to take me a long time to forgive him completely and I'm not saying he had any real excuse for what he did, but I can see, a little bit, why it happened. Erin however has no reason whatsoever to kiss a married man. She's a bad person. That's all there is to it.

I still love my husband very much. I want us to work this out and become the family we once were. Once my new health care kicks in in a few weeks both of us are going to see shrinks and I'm going to see about getting my meds adjusted so I can go back to how I was before the relapse.

Now to my questions:

Have any of you been through something like this and had your marriage heal? How long did it take (I'm well aware it's different for everyone. I'm just curious)? 

Can any of you who have been the cheater explain how a good person can do such a thing?

How do I stop seeing the picture of them kissing that's been burned into my mind? Everytime it comes into my head I want to punch things.

I really need some help, support and advice. Can any of you help me? I just don't know what to do. I'm so...lost.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't allow contact! Why would he want contact anyway with someone who has caused (along with him) a massive issue in your marriage. If he found you kissing a male Erin, what would be your motivations for wanting to keep contact? And would he happily allow you to?


----------



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Start with the easy part. He doesn't text or call her or meet up with her. You just added PTSD to the anxiety disorder. Moving forward will require that your husband owns what he he has done. Saying he wants to text her and the just friends kind of bunk is not owning it. 

How did pictures get on the camera? 

As for healing and time, everyone here has a different experience. I'm in that group Who have seen more than kissing. You will hear from others who will seriously question whether more than kissing has gone on. 

You're rushing to heal and fix and put this behind you. You can't do that alone. You can't put yourself on a cross and take responsibility for what your husband has done and expect that to change things. It takes two to walk the path of reconciliation, and it begins with your husband owning what he's done and being truly sorry for what he's done to you and to your marriage. 

Be patient. Get insight, which is part of what you are doing by posting. Read some of the books suggested in this forum. Watch some of the videos on Dr. Phil and on MarriageToday.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Songbird21 (May 15, 2012)

JustWaiting said:


> How did pictures get on the camera?


 My husband took them of him and Erin with the self timer.



JustWaiting said:


> As for healing and time, everyone here has a different experience. I'm in that group Who have seen more than kissing. You will hear from others who will seriously question whether more than kissing has gone on.


 My husband has never been the type to not admit his wrong doing once caught. I know he would have told me if more than kissing had gone on.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I hate to make this worse for you but odds are very good that you're wrong on two key points. I would bet it lasted longer than one month, more like the 8 you mentioned. I would also bet that there was sex involved. The chances that they were emotionally bonded, in physical proximity, kissed, and we're comfortable enough kissing to take a picture (how does one do that btw??) are virtually nonexistent. My bet is you are dealing with a full on EA/PA that's been going on the better part of a year. 

Regardless of your failures in the marriage there is no justification for cheating and his decision to do so is not your fault. If he is truly remorseful, if he truly wants to reconcile he has to maintain absolute no contact, he has to give you full transparency, he has to do everything you need to heal, and he has to give you all of the truth - I'm afraid I believe he has more to tell you. 

Listen to the people here, they've been through it and want to help.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I just read the very bottom of your post, I was the cheater in a two month EA and also tried the let me just check on her periodically thing. OH HELL NO!!! I'll post more when I get off my phone and to a real keyboard but no way do you allow that. No contact MUST be absolute, as absolute as if the OW died.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Songbird21 said:


> Also, my husband says he still cares about Erin in a friend capacity and insists on being allowed to text her once in a while to find out if she's okay. No long conversations, just asking how she's doing. I said okay. Am I stupid for allowing it? Should I demand he break all contact? Would doing so push him further away?


Are you stupid for allowing it? Yes.

I'm going to do something I don't usually do on this forum, I'm going to be really blunt and really rude. We'll see where it takes us.

As I read your post I feel for your husband (up until the part where he is cheating on you). It sounds like the years of taking care of you is really rough on him. I can imagine his stress level is to the max dealing with all of your emotional problems. I see a complete lack of empathy for your husband's needs, you don't mention the health of your relationship at all, only your disorders.

Is what he did wrong? Yes. Can you recover from this? Yes. Can you both move on and have a better marriage from this? Yes.

BUT, that is only going to happen if BOTH of you are willing to put in the effort. Your husband can be truly remorseful, and take steps to avoid this kind of thing in the future, but if he has nothing to gain from being married, you will only delay the demise of the relationship.

Deal with the affair now, make sure you set up the safeguards in place to ensure it doesn't happen again (100% no contact, 100% transparency with online and social activities). But you're going to have to get to the place really quickly where you ask why your husband felt the payoff for having an affair and ruining his marriage and family was greater than passing the time with you. And be able to listen to his answer without being defensive or attacking him.

Your husband is probably going through that now and wondering if this is even worth the effort. What are you going to bring to the marriage that will make him WANT to stay? Do you know what his needs are?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Harsh but true!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters please read the newbie link in my signature

I am bipolar so I understand what happens when you go off the rails so to speak, so please do get yourself treated first and foremost


while I dont wish to make you paranoid, how do you know it was just kissing? Was it because that's what he told you? Cheaters often will only admit to what you can prove. I highly recommend that you start implementing spy tech like keyloggers, checking phone records, VAR in his car and a GPS

also, your husband is looking to rugsweep and is not doing the things to help you heal during R. You will not be able to continue in R while he is high on his dopamine with his affair partner. You get this ILYBINILWY speech because he is still with Erin in his mind. He needs to go no contact, be transparent and show true remorse in order for you guys to have a true and proper R



Songbird21 said:


> Now to my questions:
> 
> Have any of you been through something like this and had your marriage heal? How long did it take (I'm well aware it's different for everyone. I'm just curious)?


typical time period to regain trust and heal fully for a proper R and not a false one is 2-5 years



Songbird21 said:


> Can any of you who have been the cheater explain how a good person can do such a thing?


it happens to many people, read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html




Songbird21 said:


> How do I stop spending every waking second burning with hatred for Erin (It's been so bad I have trouble sleeping)?
> 
> 
> 
> How do I stop seeing the picture of them kissing that's been burned into my mind? Everytime it comes into my head I want to punch things.



this is a called mind movies

a technique that works for some is to replace the images in your mind with the absurd. Imagine Erin dressed as clown or covered in oozing zits or as a banana, etc

anger is one of the stages of grief which is what you are doing- grieving
however, since there should be NC I wouldn't look to ever see her again 



Songbird21 said:


> I really need some help, support and advice. Can any of you help me?
> 
> Also, my husband says he still cares about Erin in a friend capacity and insists on being allowed to text her once in a while to find out if she's okay. No long conversations, just asking how she's doing. I said okay. Am I stupid for allowing it? Should I demand he break all contact? Would doing so push him further away?
> 
> I just don't know what to do. I'm so...lost.


we're here for you, this a great place to learn what needs to be done in order to heal, move on and get divorced if necessary, know what it takes to have a good and proper R and have many shoulders to lean on.

You should not allow any contact whatsoever with Erin if you expect your husband to do the right thing for you to heal and save the marriage. NC is the keystone to R.

the bare minimum that you need from your husband:

1) No Contact, in fact have hubby hand write a NC letter to Erin and mail it registered post. (see the newbie link for details) If she ever contacts him, he must ignore it and tell you of it right away. Block her from email, FB and phone.

2) Complete transparency- husband gives up all passwords, lets you look at phone and informs you of his whereabouts. At the same time you need to verify his actions thru spying, as much as you may think you need to demonstrate trust, the best way to trust is to confirm that he can be trusted.

3) Husband demonstrates true remorse and takes 100% of the blame for the affair. Yes your marriage isn't perfect and needs work, but it was never an excuse to cheat. he needs to help you heal and to do that he needs to stop trickle truth, gaslighting and blameshifting, see the newbie link for more info on those terms and the difference between remorse and rugsweeping.

4) you spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time alone to rebond


it's time to put the foot down and demonstrate that he has consequences to his actions, divorce should never be off the table. He needs to know he cannot cake eat.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

:iagree: I'll just yeah that to AR's post above.

This is a great place to come for help healing from infidelity. Take some time and do a bunch of reading, of the links in people's signatures, of the sticky notes, etc. There's a few people here who have moved past what their WS did (I'm one) and are still with them.

I also agree wholeheartedly that you need to verify what he actually did. My husband sounds like yours - he is brutally honest, to a fault, and was THE LAST person me or anyone else thought would EVER do what he did.


----------



## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

I'm just here to agree with the above posts. Reading your post, my first thought was "There is not way they only kissed." 
First of all, he's skating on thin ice. Why you would take a photo kissing someone other than your wife is beyond me. Secondly, THEY ALWAYS try to make it seem like a lesser offense than it is. One month is more like half a year, he's telling you the minimum he can get away with.

You need to get Erin completely out of both of your lives as she has no respect for your marriage. Your husband undoubtedly sought friendship and potentially more in her, and that's going to be hard enough to deal with WITHOUT her in the picture let alone if you try to allow her some form of contact with him.

Lastly, you really shouldn't be any more mad at Erin than your husband, in fact, your anger should be more directed at him - I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but Erin really owes you nothing compared to what your husband owes you. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

I think his silence on the couch when you asked him if he was cheating speaks VOLUMES. Right then and there he was trying to figure out what he could say to soften the blow or get away with. Don't allow him to keep making up excuses.

It's never just a kiss.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Songbird21 (May 15, 2012)

I can say with complete confidence it was only kissing. I can't say how but you all will just have to take my word for it. I _can_ tell you he saw her maybe 6 times in that month. She lives an hour and a half away and she still lives with her father.

Per your advice I spoke to him today and he agreed to cut off all contact with Erin. We're going to see a marriage counselor next Wednesday.




Cherie said:


> First of all, he's skating on thin ice. Why you would take a photo kissing someone other than your wife is beyond me.


 I know. I don't get it either.



Cherie said:


> Lastly, you really shouldn't be any more mad at Erin than your husband, in fact, your anger should be more directed at him - I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but Erin really owes you nothing compared to what your husband owes you.


 I know but it's a lot easier to spew hatred at the OW than to do it at the man whom I have loved more than life itself.



Cherie said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this.


Thank you. :hug:


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

You slapped Erin, you hate Erin.

You almost excuse your husbands actions because they're the result of your mental issues.

Because it's "easier" than dealing with the situation appropriately. 

There's no excuse for cheating, HE is more at fault than Erin because HE is the one who made the vows to you and as others have said don't believe it was nothing more than kissing just because he said so. 

Don't confuse what you "want" to be true with the truth.

Or, do whatever you want but you can't bury your head in the sand forever. Well sometimes you can but it gets really dark down there.

Odds are he's still seeing her, and still having sex with her.

Remember he only told you what he told you because you caught him.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

This isn't about Erin. Forget Erin.


----------



## Songbird21 (May 15, 2012)

COguy said:


> As I read your post I feel for your husband (up until the part where he is cheating on you). It sounds like the years of taking care of you is really rough on him. I can imagine his stress level is to the max dealing with all of your emotional problems. I see a complete lack of empathy for your husband's needs, you don't mention the health of your relationship at all, only your disorders.


I know he was hurting, but he never once talked to me about it. Not until 2 months ago and by then things were already really bad. And it's hard for me to empathize with him when he hurt me like this.

And for those of you saying there can't be an affair without sex read this: Your Cheating Heart - Seven Common Myths About Affairs


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

We aren't saying that EA's Don't exist 

We are saying that most cheaters will lie or trickle truth as to what happened and that you should be aware of that fact


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> We aren't saying that EA's Don't exist
> 
> We are saying that most cheaters will lie or trickle truth as to what happened and that you should be aware of that fact


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

You need to get MAD at your husband.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Too add songbird, we can only offer our advice/experience based on what you post. Now you stated later in thread you are certain that it do not go beyond kissing and won't tell us why and that's your choice to withhold that reason, but certainly you can understand why we are skeptical of that it didn't go further without knowing the proof that you have?

I truly hope it wasn't because your husband said so (or OW said so or confirmed) because right now that is not the most trustworthy person to believe


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Songbird21 said:


> Now to my questions:
> 
> Have any of you been through something like this and had your marriage heal? How long did it take (I'm well aware it's different for everyone. I'm just curious)?
> 
> ...


As I said - I was the cheater in a two month EA - my wife and I are reconciling (it's never really finished). D Day was almost two years ago. We still talk about it frequently, but today our marriage is better than it was before my EA - you can come out of this better. What you have to wrap your head around is that the marriage you had is over, the one if front of you can be better, worse, or not at all - it's up to you and your husband and how hard you are both willing to work. 

let Erin go, harboring hatred for her is unproductive and just keeps the emotions closer to the surface.

How does a good person do this? Well some here will tell you that "good" people don't - as a cheater myself - obviously I disagree. Good people do this by making bad choices, by having poor boundaries and by giving in to selfishness If we're not talking about a serial cheater IMO it's not this massive screw up that defines him - it's what he does from here. Does he take ownership of it, is he remorseful, is he willing to accept accountability for it? Is he doing everything in his power to fix his screw up? If he is, well then maybe he is a good person who just made some really bad decisions. If he does it again, or if he won't own it - well then you may have a person who's not quite as good as you had hoped.

Back to him wanting to message her every once in a while to check on her. Like I told you in my last post - I did this same thing. It's B.S. The crossed a line and when they did they forfeited any right or possibility of having a friendship. Once that line is crossed they can never go back. He may also tell you he wants to contact her to either "get a good goodbye" or to get "closure." Again, I did these and again they are B.S. Affairs end only one way - badly. Any further contact will only drag out the pain for all of you - you, him, and even the OW. Drag the affair out in the field, put a bullet in its head, and be done with it. No contact - period. His desire to contact her is nothing more than withdrawal - it's like someone trying to quit smoking by smoking one cigarette a day instead of a pack - well they're still a smoker and it doesn't work. Cold turkey is still the best way - the withdrawal is a b!tch but you get through it and then you're better off. 

Stick to your guns on no contact. 

I'm glad you're confident it was only kissing and not a full on PA. Your comfort that you have the truth is all that really matters but just be aware that's a pretty rare circumstance and there A LOT of betrayed spouses who have been sold that only to find out later there was much more.


----------



## Songbird21 (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> We aren't saying that EA's Don't exist
> 
> We are saying that most cheaters will lie or trickle truth as to what happened and that you should be aware of that fact


 Ah. I understand better now. It's just that so many seemed to be saying it wasn't possible at all.



Hope1964 said:


> You need to get MAD at your husband.


I am. Never said I wasn't.



sigma1299 said:


> you can come out of this better. What you have to wrap your head around is that the marriage you had is over, the one if front of you can be better, worse, or not at all - it's up to you and your husband and how hard you are both willing to work.


Agreed.



sigma1299 said:


> Does he take ownership of it, is he remorseful, is he willing to accept accountability for it? Is he doing everything in his power to fix his screw up?


Yes, now. He was reluctant to completely give up texting contact with OW for the first 3 days but I think it was because he was going through withdrawels. I'm not stupid though. I will be checking his accounts and such to make sure contact has been ended. He has a job for the next 3 days that will have him basically eating, sleeping and going to work. So on Saturday he is going to write her a cutoff letter and that will be the end of it. At least I'm hoping it will be. Time will tell.



sigma1299 said:


> I'm glad you're confident it was only kissing and not a full on PA. Your comfort that you have the truth is all that really matters but just be aware that's a pretty rare circumstance and there A LOT of betrayed spouses who have been sold that only to find out later there was much more.


 I know, but regardless of what he did he's still himself. I can tell when he's lying. He never makes eye contact when he is. I didn't catch the affair until the picture because I never outright asked if there was anything going on. 



Almostrecovered said:


> Too add songbird, we can only offer our advice/experience based on what you post. Now you stated later in thread you are certain that it do not go beyond kissing and won't tell us why and that's your choice to withhold that reason, but certainly you can understand why we are skeptical of that it didn't go further without knowing the proof that you have?


 I know, but if I told you the reason (Other than the fact I can tell when he's lying. *See above*) it would open up another whole can of worms that has nothing to do with what happened and I don't feel like dealing with it.

My husband and I spent the better part of an hour talking last night. He opened up to me like he hasn't in _years_ talking about how I shuld hate him and shouldn't give him a chance and how he hates that he's lost the trust of myself and my family. He said he's always prided himself on being someone people can count on and he's afraid he's lost that forever.

He also told me that there have been other times in years past when he was unhappy for a few weeks. He just never told me about it because he went back to feeling "normal" and didn't want to give me a complex. He also said (And I've seen this in practice with his mother. The woman got angry at me once for crying in front of her relatives at a family gathering. She thought it was rude and selfish; even though I had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before) he's been taught since he was young that you don't bother other people with your problems. That you, in his words, "Keep your head down and slog through the muck on your own". 

My little girl is such a trooper. After then first day she has been trying to cheer us both up and acting like her wonderful, bubbly self. I love her so much.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll drop it if you wish but I think you will eventually start to question it yourself anyways as you will hit a paranoid stage like the rest of us do. I do wish to say one more thing though-

Betrayed spouses go thru their own fog after Dday. Often we believe our WS's because we desperately want to believe them and our judgement gets clouded. I now believe that in order to R that you have to blow up all notions of trust and restart. That means your ws now has to earn all trust. 

I am glad you are doing your own verification and that your husband is showing signs of coming out of his fog. But don't back down from what is necessary for a good R, stay here and read more and you'll see what it takes. I hope you read the newbie thread I talked about in earlier posts.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Songbird21 said:


> I know, but regardless of what he did he's still himself. I can tell when he's lying. He never makes eye contact when he is. I didn't catch the affair until the picture because I never outright asked if there was anything going on.


How did he seem though? Before you found out? Was he evasive, unable to look you in the eye? If so, was it just for 1 month? Or was he 'normal'? When their life depends on it, people are very good liars.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this whole "eye contact" thing reminds me of my wife- from my story:



Almostrecovered said:


> "Oh really? Well, I know you're lying to me yet again now. I have phone records that you placed a call to him on your way to work last night. I really can't take this lying anymore and it has to stop! WTF is going on here, just be honest and tell me if you're having an affair so we can move on."
> 
> I was sitting in my "Archie Bunker" chair at the time. (the chair I would always sit in, my wife would sit on the couch usually with a table in between us, it was like that scene in Citizen Kane where Orson Wells and his wife get further apart at the dining room table) She came over to me and straddled me with her knees on both side of my thighs. * She grabbed my cheeks with her hands to get me to look straight into her eyes. * This moment is another one that is burned into my brain.
> 
> ...


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll drop it if you wish but I think you will eventually start to question it yourself anyways as you will hit a paranoid stage like the rest of us do. I do wish to say one more thing though-
> 
> Betrayed spouses go thru their own fog after Dday. Often we believe our WS's because we desperately want to believe them and our judgement gets clouded. I now believe that in order to R that you have to blow up all notions of trust and restart. That means your ws now has to earn all trust.
> 
> I am glad you are doing your own verification and that your husband is showing signs of coming out of his fog. But don't back down from what is necessary for a good R, stay here and read more and you'll see what it takes. I hope you read the newbie thread I talked about in earlier posts.


Yes--you need more insight into how cheaters think. If this hasn't been mentioned already, you need to get a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, with its great wealth of detail and explanation of how affairs function.

In order to betray the marriage, a 'mentally healthy' cheater must lie first and foremost to themselves. If they didn't, they would be unable to conduct their betrayal. They achieve these self-told lies by compartmentalizing, affair in one part of the brain, marriage in another.

They know that what they're doing is wrong, and that it will make you angry. So as things progress they learn to lie some more--to keep it hidden and secret. Like Gollum with his Precious, they don't want the intrusion of reality to enter into their fantasy escape. Sadly, cheaters very quickly become practised liars. (I have known by husband for 20 years, married for 15. It was pretty mind blowing to see how well he lied to me--but that's what it took to maintain his EA. We are recommitted now and reconciling.)

Now, when an affair is discovered, here is where the lying to themselves returns in full force. First, they are primarily disappointed at being caught. The escape was fun, it filled a need, and you took away their favorite toy. So at the very beginning, you don't really see a lot of true remorse--what you mostly see is guilt.

Cheaters take that guilt and tell themselves: I want to stay married at all cost. I must protect my spouse from the pain. So you know what I'll do? I will only tell them information on a 'need to know' basis. Because goodness knows I don't want to see them writhing in pain. Make no mistake: they are not so sympathetic that you're in pain. After all, if they had that sympathy, they would NEVER have betrayed you in the first place! No, their distaste for your pain is due to the additional guilt that it inflicts on them.

Maybe you have all you need to know. Those of us suggesting that there could be more could have typed your post saying you've got it all. And then we learned we were wrong--the hard way.


----------

