# Help?



## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

I got married when I was 18 and my husband was 19. He immediately joined the Military and after he got back from basic training, within the first couple of months we decided to TTC. I got pregnant within a month. Now he cheated on me right before I got pregnant by contacting his ex and telling her he loved her and so on. 

I forgave him but that same year when I was two months pregnant he went to go see another ex while we were in NY on christmas (he claimed nothing happened, the just talked). I still forgave him for the sake of our unborn child. We moved from TX to MD and my pregnancy was horrible. He had no patience with me and my hormones I had no friends around and no family to talk to.

I never told anyone that he cheated, I was too embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone telling me “I told you so”. I had my daughter and since then our sex life has been horrible. My body has changed tremendously and my self esteem is non-existent. I try to workout and fix what I can but I’m pretty sure I need surgery. 

Anyways fast forward to June/July this year. I met a guy online through a video game. It should be noted that I always meet guys through playing video games and it’s always cordial and when we speak it’s never flirtatious. But with this guy around the time I was vulnerable. I already was planning on leaving my husband for a few weeks to visit my family in NY and think about our marriage because being a stay at home mom and doing literally everything around the house, was taking a toll on me.

I was thinking about how young I am (22) and that I should be doing alot more than depending on him and his finances especially when I have a child. I feel pressured alot but I felt like if it was just me and my daughter I wouldn’t feel pressured at all. Only motivated, but I started venting to this guy and I started liking him. I stayed up all night playing with him and talking to him and my husband would get really jealous and suspect us having an affair.

At first we weren’t, we were just friends but then I started getting attracted to him emotionally. We exchanged pictures and we thought each other were really attractive so that made things worse. My husband ended up finding out I was talking to him about all my feelings and depression. He found out that I was flirting and emotionally cheating on him.


He threatened me with separation papers, knowing that I am unemployed and finding somewhere to live would take some time and finding a job to support me and my daughter would also be tedious. So I cut all ties with this guy. Because my daughter comes first and if I was truly unhappy I would need a plan to go through with a separation . Since I stopped talking to the other guy, my husband hasn’t been showing me any attention and he stopped trying to truly work on our problems. I pointed this out to him and he said he doesn’t know what to do and I should tell him how to treat me. He mostly plays the game all day and sleep because he works the night shift. I am still doing everything without help from him, even once in a while.

I started to miss this guy and when he reached out to me I replied. He claims that he loves me. He’s only 18 claims he’s a virgin, he goes to college soon and lives in GA. I know this sounds horrible and that’s why I feel so bad.I mean.. I can talk to him about anything, he makes me so happy and confident, he turns me on like no one ever has before and just the other night we were talking.. We had phone sex and I’m disappointed in myself. I really like this guy but he’s really young and even though he speaks of taking care of me and even my daughter, I am not naive and that’s not what I’m looking for. He is young after all and probably just trying to get some. I’m trying to figure out how to provide for me and my daughter by myself. Figure out what I want in life and further my education.

I don’t know how to let this guy go.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

The guy is a symptom. He's a distraction. Your marriage is the problem.

I was just reading an article this morning about how once cheaters cheat and lie, they become desensitized to lying. They stop feeling guilty about it. 

You're 22 and he's already done this twice. He's going to do it again, and now he won't even bother feeling guilty due to your thing with this horny gamer teenager. Focus on the important thing, which is finding an exit strategy out of this hell for you and your daughter. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@dawnabon Thanks for taking the time out to give me advice. I will focus on what is important. But after never straying in my marriage before this and having countless men try. It's hard for me to view this guy as just a distraction.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



Kiawu said:


> But after never straying in my marriage before this and having countless men try. It's hard for me to view this guy as just a distraction.


 @Kiawu this other person seems so significant to you simply because he is helping you with your ongoing pain. Real relationships are built on sharing happiness. 

Read up on rebound relationships, and you will better understand the dynamics of what makes this other man so euphoric for you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta

Happiness ≠ relief from pain (although some may think it does)


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

This guy is JUST A DISTRACTION.... But you are in a toxic relationship. 

From one young bride to another i feel I can give you advice... 

I was 19 when i got married. I dated my husband for 2 years before marriage. I fooled (no sex, no oral, just kissing) around on him when we were only casually dating at the 2 month mark. (I confessed about one week after because of IMENSE guilt because our relationship suddenly got serious.) I was falling head over heels for my boyfriend, eventual husband. But things that need to be remembered, I was 16, I was not in committed monogomous relationship. He forgave me very quickly, and he was the one to say that we were not official until after so he did not consider it cheating. He took it as a good sign that I was honest....we got married after dating for about 2 years. There was no cheating in our relationship until he cheated at our 7th year married. 

YOU ARE TOO YOUNG IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP to be having these issues. The marriage will not survive any of this. I advise Divorce, amicably, while you both can be friends and be single for a little while and work on yourself. You are pretty beaten down . Getting married young, having kids right off the bat....its not easy. I did it....but my situation was actually less of a problem than yours. 

This other man...is a child...a boy....and he claims to be a virgin..that may be true...but its NOT TRUE LOVE.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



badsanta said:


> @Kiawu this other person seems so significant to you simply because he is helping you with your ongoing pain. Real relationships are built on sharing happiness.
> 
> Read up on rebound relationships, and you will better understand the dynamics of what makes this other man so euphoric for you.
> 
> ...


This has brought up a rather big question or two for me. I don't mean to derail here, but why are "real" relationships built on sharing happiness rather than pain or relief from pain? 

My longest-lasting and closest relationship, that with my husband, has indeed been far more about sharing happiness than about healing me from pain. There have been moments where he heals me and I heal him, and they are moments that I treasure, but they are not the majority of our relationship, a fact which I suspect may help its longevity. 

Before I got married, all of my boyfriends were relationships based solely on two damaged people either wallowing in their pain, or desperately seeking relief from it. After marriage, I still sought out close friendships (with my husband's knowledge and consent) who were white knight/white queen types who wanted to look after me and serve as protector or guardian figures. To a lesser and less personal degree, I have even acted as a white queen figure to some other friends and acquaintances online, the goal being to comfort and validate them. The vast majority of these relationships, friendships, etc. burned out relatively quickly, within a matter of months. 

Clearly, the idea of comforting and soothing someone or being comforted and soothed means a great deal to me. So, I would wonder, with the majority of my own interpersonal experiences revolving around the hurt/comfort dynamic, how and why are "real" or at least lasting relationships not based on this dynamic? I'd like to learn more about the psychology behind such interpersonal dynamics, and why they feel so very, very good yet are apparently not what lasting love is made of.


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@threelittlestars So there's no chance that it could ever be love? If not should I keep him as a friend or drop him completely?. Thank you for sharing your story and advice. I wish I knew where to start re-building my life (i.e getting a job that could support me and my daughter). I will find a way though.
@badsanta I think you are right, we haven't shared much happiness together and I'll read up that. Thank you.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

I think you have to just go cold turkey or the game fling or leave the marriage if you want to pursue or just free yourself from the situation. If you want to save it get into counseling and make sure your husband does too. I don't know how that affects his military "cred" though. Aside: is your avatar Ironheart/RiRi? Very cool. 

I met my husband gaming and, while at the time it seemed great, I can look back and see patterns in how he would interact with me while I was still dating my previous bf that are questionable even if I was oblivious to them. So be careful. I was out of my relationship before we ever started talking outside of the game. 

Also I have dated a younger than me gamer and all I can say is beware. That he professes love this early is all sorts of red flags for me. He's only 18 and potentially isolated enough to not know what he wants out of life. I would say find someone with more experience.


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@growing_weary I think a separation is the best option right now. Yes he's young and the problem is he is very adamant about what he wants or at least what he THINKS he wants (me). Thanks for sharing and I might try counseling (I would make sure to cut off the other guy for good). It is Ironheart btw


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



Kiawu said:


> @threelittlestars So there's no chance that it could ever be love? If not should I keep him as a friend or drop him completely?. Thank you for sharing your story and advice. I wish I knew where to start re-building my life (i.e getting a job that could support me and my daughter). I will find a way though.


It's an online 'relationship', meaning it is not real. It's very unusual for a relationship that start like this online to be able to transition into real life. He's not the person you think he is. When people are online, they present who they want to you to think they are. It's easy for him to be there for your online because it really requires very little from him... all he has to do is to chat/talk a bit every day or so.

Plus he's 18 (have you seen him, like on skype or something so you know it's really him?) He's way to young to take on the responsibility of a child and wife. Your husband was too young. You were too young. Now you are getting an even younger kid sucked into your situation. It's not fair to this guy if he really is an 18 year old guy.

Your best bet is to drop the online friendship completely. It's like taking a pain killer. It keeps you from dealing with your real issue.

can you go stay with family for a while to get on your feet?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

I think this young boy is high risk. He is stepping into insta family. My husband has only ever physically had sex with me. I am slightly more experienced than him. But not by much. This imbalance has been a bit of an issue...and was for sure one of his excuses to cheat when he did. 

This young boy is also not realizing that he should not be focused on marriage or a family right now. He should look to college.... I think you are a distraction for him as well...Sorry. 

No i think its doomed. Feelings may be real, but wrong time, wrong situation, WAY WAY too many hurdles. 

So no...I personally don;t think its possible to work out in the long term. He will likely be more or less as unstable as your current husband. I think you should look to your own peer group or a bit older...maybe 22-30... Seriously. try a grown up relationship, not one that seems like you are playing at it. I think that is what both these relationships are.... playing pretend. Im not saying you are immature, but that the relationships and the men are.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



EllaSuaveterre said:


> This has brought up a rather big question or two for me. I don't mean to derail here, but why are "real" relationships built on sharing happiness rather than pain or relief from pain?


When a relationship is built on one or two people comforting one another, it serves a very meaningful purpose. Once one or both people are healed, then comforting is no longer needed. This causes the dynamics of the relationship to shift from a person that was once very helpful to now being no longer needed (at least in a capacity to help heal from pain). 

Real longterm relationships are not exactly built on serving any specific purpose, but more so on the desire of "sharing" your journey together. This is someone that you want to bear witness to your life and you to theirs in a way that brings you each joy and meaning. Longterm relationships can also be very useful in times of pain, but there is a much stronger foundation underneath that that supports continuing relationship for when comforting is no longer needed. 

I'm speaking candidly, so this is not based on any well studied philosophy or anything that I have read. Just my candid personal opinion. 

Badsanta


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@EleGirl I have seen him and I'm pretty sure he's 18 (even though you can never be fully sure). Unfortunately I don't have any family members to stay with yet. My mom is having problems with her landlord and until she moves I don't have anywhere else. She wants me to come whenever I need to but having my daughter is that crazy situation isn't okay unless it's an emergency. I have told him exactly how I feel about him willing to take on such a big responsibility. His response left me speechless. I don't know how to post a screenshot on here.. 
@threelittlestars I agree, it's hard for me to come to terms with that reality. Especially because I speak to him about every and anything. Every time I try to tell him this relationship won't work and that I'm not speaking to him anymore. I end up texting him

-Honestly I wanted to just wait until he was situated in college and possibly date him next year after he turns 20. But I guess that's a bad idea.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

That young guy is an illusion.

It will end up a disaster, worse than your marriage if you pursue him. Cut off all relationships except to deal with your marriage.

You aren't ready.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

Waiting and seeing is NOT a bad idea. If you just cant close the book because you are unsure that is a way you can rationalize the distance. BUT YOU NEED THE DISTANCE no contact for a year or two... or five...  

I understand your position. I empathize but distance and time is not a bad idea in this. Very rational actually.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



Kiawu said:


> @EleGirl I have seen him and I'm pretty sure he's 18 (even though you can never be fully sure).


How did you see him?


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@EleGirl I saw him on SnapChat twice


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

I've never used snapchat. Was it a live video of him? Or a photo?


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@EleGirl One was a selfie and another one was a full body video.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

Was the video taken as the two of you were chatting? or was it a saved video?

Have you actually spoken with him, and heard his voice, on the phone or over some chat app?

The reason I'm asking to clarify is that I know of some who have gathered pictures and videos off the internet and use them to fool people about who they are.

One is a guy who likes to pretend he's a woman. He has men on the internet convinced that he's a woman because he uses those photos/videos and tells the guys that it's him (pretending to be a woman).

The bottom like is that even if the guy your have been communicating with is who he says he is, you don't really know him. 

It takes about 2 years of dating before you really find out what a person is like. That's dating where you see them in person almost every day. You cannot really get to know a person online because you only get to see the part of them that they are showing you. You don't see them interacting with other people, with their family and friends. You don't see how they handle stress and all the other things that people fact day to day.

You really do not know all that much about who he really is as a person.

So you are much better off to drop him (he's a fantasy) and deal with your real life. Leave or fix your marriage. Get a job or some education to get a better job. Build a life for yourself. Then, if you leave your husband, meet someone in real life and date for 2 years before you even consider moving in together or getting engaged. Then marry after 3-4 years of dating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

Kiawu,

I am going to be very blunt because you my dear are living in a fantasy world.

There are two separate issues though connected here:

1. You are avoiding the problems in your marriage which are very real for some fantasy with a gamer

2. You are actually cheating, not something you want to do, because you will feel very bad about it later

3. Your WH has cheated, that is the biggest problem because it is affecting you and you refuse to deal with it and instead escape to a fantasy man (actually boy) in the gaming world
You have to deal with the cheating first. Your WH is using this against you though he himself is guilty of far worse.
I would suggest you cut ties with this 'boy' who may or may not be real, you are in a vulnerable position, as you are getting no emotional intimacy from your WH and you are yet to deal with the pain of his adultery. 
1. Get counselling, tell your family (stop hiding his adultery) a problem shared in a problem halved, tell your friends and his friends, what he had done. You have to make the decision to leave him unless he also gets help and agrees to MC.
2. If he is away in the military then that leaves you alone alot and vulnerable, join a womens group, a toddlers group, whatever so that you have other women for support first of all and stop with the gaming as a young mother gaming is waste of time, build yourself up doing constructive things, take an online course, learn to do something that will be useful for you and your daughter in future

I will also say this, it is unfair to the 18 yr old to lead him on, he has his life in front of him and it is not to be lumbered with an older married woman with a kid (there i said it). So take you head out of the clouds and start doing something sensible about your situation and stop making excuses (because you are about your mother, no friends, etc etc.).
You are in control of your own circumstances so do something about it. The game world is only a fantasy which will cause major problems.
Now you cannot hold your WH to account because you are no better than him, see the mess?

Stop the EA and get your act together.


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@EleGirl I understand what you mean. It was never a live chat, it was a saved video. I heard his voice multiple times. I believe that is him because most people would try to catfish as someone skinny and almost too good to be true. He is a really big guy, attractive though. I am ending it with him tonight officially. 

Thanks for the amazing advice. I wish I had someone telling me most of this when I was younger (but better late than never). I plan on working hard to get a job and education. Thanks again! ♥


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## Kiawu (Aug 18, 2017)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*

@aine lol omg. That was the most blunt and straight to the point advice I've ever gotten. I appreciate it. I honestly needed that!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Hey I'm 22 married for 4 years. Help?*



Kiawu said:


> @aine lol omg. That was the most blunt and straight to the point advice I've ever gotten. I appreciate it. I honestly needed that!


Kiawu, your are still very young, you are the mother to a daughter, you want to show her the way, to be someone she can be proud of. I have had alot of problems in my married life but one thing my kids will tell you is that they are proud of me, and that is worth more to me that the whole world.

Be someone your daughter can be proud of. You sound smart. You are hurting (its no wonder) deal with the hurt first, do not create more problems and do not run away from it. You should get yourself IC and expose your husband's infidelity, exposure will keep him accountable. Infidelity only ever thrives in darkness. It is your shame or burden to carry, it is his.
You may want to take time out from the marriage and tell him so, do a 180 for a while till you get your bearings, self reflection and self care could do you wonders. All the best.


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