# WS bitterness



## GettingBetter

I really can't understand these wayward spouses. They wanted the divorce...cheated...left...not happy...whatever the reason, but why can't they be a little more civil after everything is done and over with. Are they not moved on? Is it guilt? Shame? Do they reall y think they can just erase someone they shared life with for a decade or longer? Someone whom they share kids with? Rationalize all you want, blame me....I do not care. I just want to have a normal, civil relationship. I am not talking about being friends or small talk. But we have two kids damn it!!! Try to get the priorities straight!
Just venting i guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04

I have been asking myself the same question for months and months. I dont have kids with my ex and really glad I don't b/c his absolute HATE for me is rediculous. 

I left him after finding chat logs with a female co-worker saying he was going to delete the chats and change his PW. He also went on a couple of lunch dates with this woman. This was 5 yrs after initial PA with a different co-worker. Definitely a deal breaker so I moved out and filed for divorce.

He did not show for any court hearings and just signed things in agreement so he WOULDN'T have to go to court and see me. He was engaged within 3 months of me moving out and married 2 weeks after the divorce was final. 

He just absolutely hates me, doesn't want to see me or work with me on the house that we own together (both names on it, he needs to refi within 2.5yrs). No cooperation, no politeness....just pure anger and hate. 

I really have no hard feelings against him. I have dealt with the emotional fallout and have moved on with my life. I accept him for him - he is a serial cheater and will never change. I don't hate him or have anger towards him. What is so hard for him to do the same?

Seems like with a new wife he would be moved on by now? :scratchhead:


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## GettingBetter

vi_bride04, I did not leave her. I did my best to try to save the marriage. But once I saw there was no point in trying I filed. 
Same as you, I have dealt with emotional fallout and moving on slowly. No hate, only anger sometimes when she pulls stunts like "if you want to see the kids come get them and bring them back".
She also has a new boyfriend (not the OM), and yes I ask myself the same why didn't she moved on? 
Is it because I have a new job, new place, lots of friends...I go out whenever I can and she is stuck living with her parents, unable to afford her own place...stuck at the same job without a raise for the last 5 years...The only friend she's got is her BF. Is it jealousy seeing me moving on?
But really, I do not love that woman. After seeing her true colors I could never be with her again. But yes, I do want a normal, civil relationship. For the sake of our kids. 
Maybe they just cant deal with the thought of their life not turning the way they imagined when they left?


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## vi_bride04

I think mine is upset b/c I did leave and didn't allow him to have his cake and eat it too. 

And yes, you are living well and she sees it. If she is suffering from the "grass ISN'T greener" syndrome that is why she can't stand to be nice to you. She sees you doing soooo well. And in her mind you left her b/c you are the one that filed. My ex would feed me that line all the time. "You ended the marriage, you moved out, you were the one that filed"

Yeah b/c cheating is productive to being married


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## GettingBetter

I do not know what she is suffering from, but it is something. She does have a history of mental health problem in her family...it could be that it's her turn..lol.
It's very difficult to communicate with her. She does not respond to my calls, texts or emails. And these are about kids only. So yesterday I sent her an email after I talked to my lawyer. I want to change a few things in parenting schedule...she was not happy that I talked to a lawyer first. But this was the only way to get her attention. So now she is all nice to me. Go figure... This is the first time I threatened with legal action. I was being a nice guy the whole time, but I just had enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nosmallchoice

I can't figure out the hate and anger, either. Just baffled.

I remember the night I confronted him like it was yesterday. He had moved his OW into our house (my story is pretty messed up - but, he was "helping" her get out of a supposedly domestic situation and offered her our home - then gave me an ultimatum to let her move in or he would leave.... should've let him leave... ). That night, he stood there holding her hand and rubbing her shoulders while I confronted them both with evidence of an A, and he denied it. 

I packed up the house, dogs and kid .. and moved home 600 miles away. He promptly moved into an apartment with her. I have had my ups and downs, I have dealt with my own emotional fallouts, and I AM moving on. New home, new job, new future. 

Not only has he not tried to see his kid in 6 mths (I have a court order to keep her away - he feels this is "unfair" so won't see our son), but I hear a new conspiracy theory EVERY TIME we have to talk....

... How I wronged his GF.
... He "has proof" that I co-conspired with her ex to have her killed.
... My court order was an attempt to get revenge on her.
... I tried to get her to kill herself.
... I am purposely making her life more miserable.


OMG ... It was never about her, it was about the safety of our son. She has a whole laundry list of mental issues. I can't believe how his focus in so much on HER, and how angry and hateful he is toward me. His perfect world had him playing house with her and being a 'drop in' dad when he felt like seeing his kid. I didn't give him the satisfaction of giving him his cake.


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## ExisaWAW

GettingBetter,

IMO, you may have to continue to threaten legal action if that's all she responds to. The key to your healing may be to get to the point where you truly do not have to have any contact with her. 

I'd go with email only and copy your lawyer. Explain to her that she is not to use text (if she ever does, you will not respond. Turn the tables.), only email.

I personally think that NC is possible with a WS, if your kids are at least 12-13. Just text them about logistical issues about where/ went to meet.

All other communications can be done via email.

I prefer to NEVER see my ex. I don't care to sit next to her at kid functions, etc. etc. She cheated & ruined everything. I do not want to be her friend or even friendly to her. Now, I don't think it's right to be nasty, I just want zero to do with her.

The reason(s) why she is acing this way could be anything, really. I suspect she is finally feeling some guilt. Her defense mechanisms will probably try and blame you for everything from this point on (weird stuff). She has to point blame away from her. Her ego demands it.

Eventually you will probably get to the point where she is a little more civil. How old are your kids again?

Best of luck!


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## rep

The problem with email is that in my case, my ex is always making wierd statements and acts like she is a lawyer. I asked that she not expect an immediate response to email while Im at work and she said that she felt attacked. She always used the Victim words. She tries to paint a picture that we can not be partners in joint custody bc I took my son to an eye apt without telling her. 
Last year I told her that my email was corrupted and text only until it was fixed. Took me a year to fix that thing!! During that year, we didnt talk, only texted about where and when to meet. All of the sudden she is back to the crazy stuff. I would love to get rid of email but she threatens going back to court. 
Sorry if I stole your thread


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## GettingBetter

I have been doing LC for a quite some time now. Can't go full NC since my kids are 5 & 7, so there is a lot of logistics that we have to communicate about. But it's strictly through text messages. What pisses me of is that she is still trying to control the situation by not responding or taking forever send a text back. I know she is glued to her phone all the time, but as I said, its all about control. 
Some of my friends are telling me that she is probably afraid of me. What I'm going to do or say. See, she is not very smart, not stupid, but does not have street or book smarts. This is one of the things I just recently realized. We were not on the same intelectual level. Just as your ex mine is very narcisistic. Loves to dress up, show her cleveage, legs...new shoes...purses. 
Always competing with other women, even her own sister. And now she does not have money to go buy new stuff, and I on the other hand completely renewed my wardrobe with nice expensive clothing. This was part of my "therapy". And also I had to buy new stuff since i lost over 40lb. I'm 37 and women are telling me I look better than most 20 year olds...lol. What a great ego boost. I notice that she is always checking me out when picking up the kids. But I dont give it too much attention. Her new BF is overweight truck driver. I guess she found a match who is on the same intelectual level as her .
I do not miss her, but I have to be honest and say that I miss being a part of the family. I see my boys often, we have 50/50 schedule. And when they are with me they do not want to go back to her. She never takes them anywhere...just sits them in front of the TV and lets them play video games. I dont even have cable. Havent watched any TV in over a year, and it feels good. 
I am getting better, but I am forever changed. I'm wiser, know what I want, not taking any BS from anyone any more. I am a better father, son, friend. And one day I will be a perfect partner to someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

my guess is that due to the fact that they so desperately tried to blame their own BS to justify their affair that they will always look to blame you and others for their own problems/unhappiness


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## GettingBetter

Almostrecovered said:


> my guess is that due to the fact that they so desperately tried to blame their own BS to justify their affair that they will always look to blame you and others for their own problems/unhappiness


And that is why I can't see her ever being happy. When her current relationship fails is it going to be my fault again? That I ruined her emotionaly, killed her happiness forever? It would not surprise me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedNoMore

GettingBetter, stop caring about what she thinks. You are just the scapegoat and nothing will change that until she finds someone else to fill that role.


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## GettingBetter

BetrayedNoMore said:


> GettingBetter, stop caring about what she thinks. You are just the scapegoat and nothing will change that until she finds someone else to fill that role.


I really do hope you are right. I just don't care about her any more. And honestly I want her to be happy. That would make coparenting a lot easier. Maybe she needs to be dumped by her current BF so she can concetrate on making his life miserable instead of mine...lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

Mines not bitter , she still goes to all lengths of trouble for me . So wtf does that mean then ?
Guilt or something maybe I guess.

I do really feel for those with the problem ex's though .

As time goes on though for me , I must admit I am having a much harder time in being decent to her.
The ramifications of what she's done to me and my beautiful innocent daughter in all this, are really starting to show and making me that angry all over again.


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## Nsweet

I think the reason why she's blaming you already been covered, she doesn't want to take responsibility and so she looks for any excuse to make you the bad guy.... The same thing she will do to OM in time if you remove yourself from the situation. 

More importantly I think you're losing focus of your personal boundaries by worrying about what she thinks of you and trying to maintain a friendship. That it to say I'm not judging you for this because we've all been there, that betrayed spouse down in the dumps trying to remain civil. 

There's just one simple thing you have to keep in mind with your ex wife any really any relationship business, casual, or romantic in the future. If you don't like the way they talk to you, then stop talking to them. Seriously, if your wife can't talk to you without making everything your fault, then she just won't get to talk to you. If it's you're kids you're trying to reach and she picks up and wants to strike up small talk, you don't say anything more than you have to.... If she can use it against you she will! 

The way I think of it is, *"Until you can behave, you don't deserve my attention"*. 

I know that sounds a bit harsh, but with my ex wife I had to adopt this mindset. See I was cheated on and left too, no kids though, and my BPD ex wife made sure I felt like sh!t for losing her... Like she was the world's most perfect wife, which she was most definitely not! The only way I could get through my divorce with my dignity in tact was to just reject any contact from her when she wanted to make everything my problem. When she called me crying because she was scared and alone I would listen and try to sympathize while keeping my distance. But I always knew she was not far from another venting all out sh!t storm of anger yelling at anyone else to keep from feeling it herself, and that the one person she was really mad at was her father... It wasn't my fault! I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I didn't create it. She was always going to be angry and the most important self realization of all, I was wasting kindness and generosity on a woman who didn't deserve a good husband.

Bottom line is, if she cheated and left you it's because she wanted to cheat and leave you.... most likely for some idealized recreation of past childhood issues manifested in a loser she mirrored and could later blame for everything. She's just pissy with you now because while she's idealizing Mr. Wonderful she can't see you as anything more than black or white. You can't be an ex it didn't work out with but can still be a co-parent with. No you have to be the enemy so she can identify with her victimized role and still see herself as "deserving" of the mess she created for herself. And I use that word "deserving", because it seems like every cheater says "I deserve better" and then winds up miserable and regretting their choices.:rofl:


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## GettingBetter

Nsweet said:


> I think the reason why she's blaming you already been covered, she doesn't want to take responsibility and so she looks for any excuse to make you the bad guy.... The same thing she will do to OM in time if you remove yourself from the situation.
> 
> More importantly I think you're losing focus of your personal boundaries by worrying about what she thinks of you and trying to maintain a friendship. That it to say I'm not judging you for this because we've all been there, that betrayed spouse down in the dumps trying to remain civil.
> 
> There's just one simple thing you have to keep in mind with your ex wife any really any relationship business, casual, or romantic in the future. If you don't like the way they talk to you, then stop talking to them. Seriously, if your wife can't talk to you without making everything your fault, then she just won't get to talk to you. If it's you're kids you're trying to reach and she picks up and wants to strike up small talk, you don't say anything more than you have to.... If she can use it against you she will!
> 
> The way I think of it is, *"Until you can behave, you don't deserve my attention"*.
> 
> I know that sounds a bit harsh, but with my ex wife I had to adopt this mindset. See I was cheated on and left too, no kids though, and my BPD ex wife made sure I felt like sh!t for losing her... Like she was the world's most perfect wife, which she was most definitely not! The only way I could get through my divorce with my dignity in tact was to just reject any contact from her when she wanted to make everything my problem. When she called me crying because she was scared and alone I would listen and try to sympathize while keeping my distance. But I always knew she was not far from another venting all out sh!t storm of anger yelling at anyone else to keep from feeling it herself, and that the one person she was really mad at was her father... It wasn't my fault! I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I didn't create it. She was always going to be angry and the most important self realization of all, I was wasting kindness and generosity on a woman who didn't deserve a good husband.
> 
> Bottom line is, if she cheated and left you it's because she wanted to cheat and leave you.... most likely for some idealized recreation of past childhood issues manifested in a loser she mirrored and could later blame for everything. She's just pissy with you now because while she's idealizing Mr. Wonderful she can't see you as anything more than black or white. You can't be an ex it didn't work out with but can still be a co-parent with. No you have to be the enemy so she can identify with her victimized role and still see herself as "deserving" of the mess she created for herself. And I use that word "deserving", because it seems like every cheater says "I deserve better" and then winds up miserable and regretting their choices.:rofl:


Thank you for this. It is a great advice and I promise to start using it. The OM is already a bad guy. They ended their affair few months ago and as you said, its all his fault now. But she quickly replaced him too. Trying to find happiness. One thing I can not say I agree with is that they will end up regreting their choices. You are forgetting, it's all our fault....LOL


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## Nsweet

Oh believe me she will regret her decisions in life. She may never regret cheating on you however, but she will have her regrets over all. I have talked to enough cheaters in their 50s and up who have blown a marriage or two and are still chasing after their greener wonderland. They don't actually find it, but I'd say a good 70%+ find alcoholism and a string of dead end relationships. 

Take it for what you will, you're better off without her and may indeed find your happy ending with someone special who's an upgrade from her.


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## EleGirl

Many WS have affairs because they are not happy... with the marriage, with themself, with their life. After it's too late they find out that leaving and the affair did not fix things. They are left with their own unhappiness looking back at them in the mirror. 

The problem is with them. They are angry because they don't know how to fix themself. They are not self-aware enough to know that only they can make themself feel happiness again. So they lash out at anyone they can blame for the mess they have created.

It's a living hell of their own creation.


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## whitehawk

Nsweet said:


> Oh believe me she will regret her decisions in life. She may never regret cheating on you however, but she will have her regrets over all. I have talked to enough cheaters in their 50s and up who have blown a marriage or two and are still chasing after their greener wonderland. They don't actually find it, but I'd say a good 70%+ find alcoholism and a string of dead end relationships.
> 
> Take it for what you will, you're better off without her and may indeed find your happy ending with someone special who's an upgrade from her.



Thanks ns


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## GettingBetter

Much better off without her, I agree. They probably do regret not trying harder or even regret not living the life they imagined they would be. Thair chase for happiness and greener pastures never ends. Even of they are in the new relationship. The relationship itself might work out, but that is not an indicator they are happy with everything else in their life. 
As I said to my x MIL who I saw yesterday...she started complaining how my XW has it tough, money is tight, she has to drive kids to my school district because it's much better...my answer to her was "that is the path and life she choose, I can't help her any more". She did not say a word after that....ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

vi_bride04 said:


> I have been asking myself the same question for months and months. I dont have kids with my ex and really glad I don't b/c his absolute HATE for me is rediculous.
> 
> I left him after finding chat logs with a female co-worker saying he was going to delete the chats and change his PW. He also went on a couple of lunch dates with this woman. This was 5 yrs after initial PA with a different co-worker. Definitely a deal breaker so I moved out and filed for divorce.
> 
> He did not show for any court hearings and just signed things in agreement so he WOULDN'T have to go to court and see me. He was engaged within 3 months of me moving out and married 2 weeks after the divorce was final.
> 
> He just absolutely hates me, doesn't want to see me or work with me on the house that we own together (both names on it, he needs to refi within 2.5yrs). No cooperation, no politeness....just pure anger and hate.
> 
> I really have no hard feelings against him. I have dealt with the emotional fallout and have moved on with my life. I accept him for him - he is a serial cheater and will never change. I don't hate him or have anger towards him. What is so hard for him to do the same?
> 
> Seems like with a new wife he would be moved on by now? :scratchhead:



But why do you care now anyway ? You divorced him , he's remarried - over !


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## ExisaWAW

Whitehawk, I get where she's coming from. Relationships are so emotional that she would like to have some communication w/ the man she spent years of her life with. She can't reconcile in her mind why he would be so mean to her because he was the one who cheated. 

I get this because it like what we LBSs feel when the person we loved, however flawed, simply walks away & never looks back. I agree with you that she shouldn't care, but she does. She probably even wishes she didn't care, but she does. Love is a strange emotion. 

For some, we love with all our soul & even when we are betrayed, there's still something there. For some, as soon as they're betrayed or if they see someone else who tickles their fancy, they can turn it off completely & move on like nothing ever happened. It's a mystery for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

ExisaWAW said:


> Whitehawk, I get where she's coming from. Relationships are so emotional that she would like to have some communication w/ the man she spent years of her life with. She can't reconcile in her mind why he would be so mean to her because he was the one who cheated.
> 
> I get this because it like what we LBSs feel when the person we loved, however flawed, simply walks away & never looks back. I agree with you that she shouldn't care, but she does. She probably even wishes she didn't care, but she does. Love is a strange emotion.
> 
> For some, we love with all our soul & even when we are betrayed, there's still something there. For some, as soon as they're betrayed or if they see someone else who tickles their fancy, they can turn it off completely & move on like nothing ever happened. It's a mystery for sure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exisa, so so tue and thanks for reminding me of this stuff. I suppose I read she left - big nerve .
Abit like him - a bit , I fkd up and mine left , like vi bride . I wonder if w feels likw vi .
Your right about that love , unfortunately that's my love. I may f up , may go through the cycles , but underneath it all and when the chips are down my love doesn't go , ever. I hear you !
All this switch on and off [email protected] , was it even real love ! 
Personally I don't think so.


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## whitehawk

GettingBetter said:


> Much better off without her, I agree. They probably do regret not trying harder or even regret not living the life they imagined they would be. Thair chase for happiness and greener pastures never ends. Even of they are in the new relationship. The relationship itself might work out, but that is not an indicator they are happy with everything else in their life.
> As I said to my x MIL who I saw yesterday...she started complaining how my XW has it tough, money is tight, she has to drive kids to my school district because it's much better...my answer to her was "that is the path and life she choose, I can't help her any more". She did not say a word after that....ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spot on gb. Some of our destiny we can change and choose and I believe some of it we can't . But she did , she chose , chose the coward and selfish way out, suck it up princess!


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## ExisaWAW

whitehawk said:


> Spot on gb. Some of our destiny we can change and choose and I believe some of it we can't . But she did , she chose , chose the coward and selfish way out, suck it up princess!


True Dat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

whitehawk said:


> Exisa, so so tue and thanks for reminding me of this stuff. I suppose I read she left - big nerve .
> Abit like him - a bit , I fkd up and mine left , like vi bride . I wonder if w feels likw vi .
> Your right about that love , unfortunately that's my love. I may f up , may go through the cycles , but underneath it all and when the chips are down my love doesn't go , ever. I hear you !
> All this switch on and off [email protected] , was it even real love !
> Personally I don't think so.


OF COURSE I T WASN'T REAL LOVE!!! The Bible states it eloquently in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,

"4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Whatever feelings they claim to have had for us, it wasn't love brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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