# Married but met a guy and it was love at first sight



## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

Hi, I will start out with some basic info. My husband and I married at age 21. We had been together for three years prior. It was my first relationship. He was an alcoholic. I helped him through quitting and he's been sober since then. During the quitting period there was constant lying on his part and he also cheated on me while he was drunk. I don't think I ever truly moved passed it. We are now 24. Sadly, the day after I was married I felt like it was a huge mistake. I thought "Is this really it?". Plus, the reaction I received from my family was less than supportive. I am not looking to bash him or throw him under the bus. He's nice about most things as long as our conversations aren't too deep. He works and provides for me. 

There's a guy I have chatted online with for many years (we live in the same city and have mutual friends). He was always sweet. Recently we started chatting more and realized we have a lot in common. We started texting and made a plan to meet. I was not intending to feel anything when I met him. Boy was I wrong. I always thought love at first sight was such bullsh*t. The second I walked up to him I felt something I have never felt before. I spent a couple hours with him. It was the best time I've had with anyone in years. He was NOT perfect. He was awkward, nervous, and told weird jokes. I loved every second of it. He was fantastic at making conversation, he was interested in my view on things. He is a professional fighter and he was tossing me around and showing me some moves and tips for if I ever got attacked. I know we both enjoyed the touching. He didn't touch me inappropriately. All he did was pick me up and I unintentionally wrapped my legs around him. It felt so right. We hugged a lot. I crave more. This isn't just sexual by any means. We connected in a way that I've never connected with a person before.

I never wanted to be "that wife". The cheater, the ungrateful b**ch that falls for someone else, the fool that is frowned upon, the person to hurt another person. I never thought that could be me. 

The most alarming part is that I already have visions of leaving my husband for this man. What the f**k is wrong with me? I feel like a terrible person. I don't want to do this or feel this way but I can't help it.

Now on to what's missing in my marriage. I have mentioned the past lies and cheating above. I have always questioned whether I love my husband or not. I don't feel much towards him and I don't think I ever did. I guess I was too young and very stupid. My husband has never surprised me with anything, not even the proposal. Very dull and unexciting. I thought I was asexual because the idea of sex with him has always been gross to me. Recently I started thinking of sex with others and it was very appealing. I despise how he touches me. He touches me in ways that I cannot stand. I tell him this and he says "Oh well, I like it." Nice huh... and if I protest more he gets very angry with me. 

Our conversations are very basic. Anything in depth he doesn't feel like hearing. We recently found out my mother has cancer and I haven't even mentioned it to my husband. I know he would just say sorry to hear that and jump right back on his laptop and never ever console me when I cry. It's easier to keep it in than to tell someone who will only upset you further with their lack of sympathy/care. 

We don't go anywhere together. He would rather sit on his laptop playing video games. I don't mind if he plays them often but it would be nice to go somewhere every week or so. 

I would say the problems he has with me are: lack of sex drive, no affection ,and in general he just doesn't want to hear any criticism from me or deal with any problems I'm having.

I am not trying to bash him. I am just stating the facts. I am confused and so lonely in life. I spend less and less time at home because I want to be there for my mother. He doesn't notice whether I'm home or not.

I have brought all of these issues up to him and he flat out tells me he doesn't want to hear it. Whenever he brings up an issue to me, I fix it the best I can and fully hear him out.

We have a lot of debt together. Divorcing would not be simple.

I don't know.. I'm just lonely, mad at myself, and confused. I honestly don't know what I want from life.

All I can think of is this other guy. What do I do?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just get over yourself and leave your poor husband so you can get on with your affair.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

veronicabunny said:


> Hi, I will start out with some basic info. My husband and I married at age 21. We had been together for three years prior. It was my first relationship. He was an alcoholic. I helped him through quitting and he's been sober since then. During the quitting period there was constant lying on his part and he also cheated on me while he was drunk. I don't think I ever truly moved passed it. We are now 24. Sadly, the day after I was married I felt like it was a huge mistake. I thought "Is this really it?". Plus, the reaction I received from my family was less than supportive. I am not looking to bash him or throw him under the bus. He's nice about most things as long as our conversations aren't too deep. He works and provides for me.
> 
> There's a guy I have chatted online with for many years (we live in the same city and have mutual friends). He was always sweet. Recently we started chatting more and realized we have a lot in common. We started texting and made a plan to meet. I was not intending to feel anything when I met him. Boy was I wrong. I always thought love at first sight was such bullsh*t. The second I walked up to him I felt something I have never felt before. I spent a couple hours with him. It was the best time I've had with anyone in years. He was NOT perfect. He was awkward, nervous, and told weird jokes. I loved every second of it. He was fantastic at making conversation, he was interested in my view on things. He is a professional fighter and he was tossing me around and showing me some moves and tips for if I ever got attacked. I know we both enjoyed the touching. He didn't touch me inappropriately. All he did was pick me up and I unintentionally wrapped my legs around him. It felt so right. We hugged a lot. I crave more. This isn't just sexual by any means. We connected in a way that I've never connected with a person before.


Hmm.



veronicabunny said:


> I never wanted to be "that wife". The cheater, the ungrateful b**ch that falls for someone else, the fool that is frowned upon, the person to hurt another person. I never thought that could be me.
> 
> The most alarming part is that I already have visions of leaving my husband for this man. What the f**k is wrong with me? I feel like a terrible person. I don't want to do this or feel this way but I can't help it.
> 
> Now on to what's missing in my marriage. I have mentioned the past lies and cheating above. I have always questioned whether I love my husband or not. I don't feel much towards him and I don't think I ever did. I guess I was too young and very stupid. My husband has never surprised me with anything, not even the proposal. Very dull and unexciting. I thought I was asexual because the idea of sex with him has always been gross to me. Recently I started thinking of sex with others and it was very appealing. I despise how he touches me. He touches me in ways that I cannot stand. I tell him this and he says "Oh well, I like it." Nice huh... and if I protest more he gets very angry with me.


Sounds like you have already checked out and the brain makes the husbands touches creepy. You can't stand him, because you cannot validate it feels good because you are gone.



veronicabunny said:


> Our conversations are very basic. Anything in depth he doesn't feel like hearing. We recently found out my mother has cancer and I haven't even mentioned it to my husband. I know he would just say sorry to hear that and jump right back on his laptop and never ever console me when I cry. It's easier to keep it in than to tell someone who will only upset you further with their lack of sympathy/care.
> 
> We don't go anywhere together. He would rather sit on his laptop playing video games. I don't mind if he plays them often but it would be nice to go somewhere every week or so.


Lol


veronicabunny said:


> I would say the problems he has with me are: lack of sex drive, no affection ,and in general he just doesn't want to hear any criticism from me or deal with any problems I'm having.
> 
> I am not trying to bash him. I am just stating the facts. I am confused and so lonely in life. I spend less and less time at home because I want to be there for my mother. He doesn't notice whether I'm home or not.


His sex drive might be in the tank because you show him no attraction. It would drag many of us down to feel someone does not welcome our advances, thinks we touch them funny, etc.



veronicabunny said:


> I have brought all of these issues up to him and he flat out tells me he doesn't want to hear it. Whenever he brings up an issue to me, I fix it the best I can and fully hear him out.
> 
> We have a lot of debt together. Divorcing would not be simple.
> 
> ...


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Hmm.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree. It's a catch 22. He expects me to accept all advances even if I had been upset or crying about something and he pretended nothing happened. I don't expect him to be happy about it. I've tried numerous times to explain that I can't connect with someone who has little regard for my feelings and won't listen to me or help me work through my problems. He misses the concept entirely. "Sex and me touching you has nothing to do with your problems." The conversation just goes in circles until he blows up at me. I have quit trying to explain it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

veronicabunny said:


> I agree. It's a catch 22. He expects me to accept all advances even if I had been upset or crying about something and he pretended nothing happened. I don't expect him to be happy about it. I've tried numerous times to explain that I can't connect with someone who has little regard for my feelings and won't listen to me or help me work through my problems. He misses the concept entirely. "Sex and me touching you has nothing to do with your problems." The conversation just goes in circles until he blows up at me. I have quit trying to explain it.


That sounds pretty important. Tell him the truth about your feelings and see if that will get him to listen.

If it's not going to work out I would leave.

Looking outside the relation for something better, more this, hotter, etc will always make you stray.

Many of us stop looking and do what we can so our primary relationship meets most of our needs. Of course it's up to us to choose a complementary relationship partner.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

veronicabunny said:


> Divorcing would not be simple.
> 
> I don't know.. I'm just lonely, mad at myself, and confused. I honestly don't know what I want from life.
> 
> All I can think of is this other guy. What do I do?




Divorce is NEVER simple. But sometimes it is the right thing to do.

You are 24. My opinion is that you are not mature enough for a relationship. Not even with the "other" guy.

If you were mature enough you would leave this relationship, without having another guy to jump to. You can't picture yourself without a man and you need that emotional "lily pad" of another man to do something which I think that you have known for quite some time that you need to do.

treyvion makes some good points, but if your guy has already reached such a point - so early in your relationship - well, I don't hold out a lot of hope of him changing. It might be worth a try...that's up to you.

But to involve another guy in your confused life - well, that is not fair to him, to your husband, or to you. You need to figure out what YOU need. You need to figure out how to be a happy and satisfied person on our own. You need to figure out why you can't seem to pick a good man for yourself. 

Personally, I think that the only honest divorce is one where the person leaves just to leave...they don't leave because there is someone else. You need to grow...you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself. If you use this other man as any sort of reason why you should leave your husband then I think you will miss the growth experience that you seem to be needing. I think you will just make the same mistakes with the next guy. I wish you luck...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How about you'll learn how not to make one bad decision after another. Thaths where you need to focus your energy.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> Divorce is NEVER simple. But sometimes it is the right thing to do.
> 
> You are 24. My opinion is that you are not mature enough for a relationship. Not even with the "other" guy.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is some really solid advice. 

I do feel as though I moved too quickly with this relationship with my husband. It was like once we were together we were spending every single moment together- for the wrong reason. The reason being if I was there, he wouldn't be tempted to drink. I felt like a babysitter rather than a girlfriend. It got routine and dull incredibly fast.

You're right.. I do feel like "Here's my reason to leave." That's wrong. Very wrong of me.

I don't have any experience being that my husband was my first and only relationship. I settled. I never trusted him and I still don't. That's a main issue too. I feel like I trust strangers more than I trust him.

I suppose I made bad decisions and now I have to sort it out. I am immature in my thinking and I don't even know where to begin.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

Hicks said:


> How about you'll learn how not to make one bad decision after another. Thaths where you need to focus your energy.


I'm trying. That's why I've come here for advice. I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to these things about.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> Divorce is NEVER simple. But sometimes it is the right thing to do.
> 
> You are 24. My opinion is that you are not mature enough for a relationship. Not even with the "other" guy.
> 
> ...


No, I think she IS old enough and can be mature enough to handle a serious relationship. People were doing it at her age 50 years ago...

I believe if she can hold herself personally accountable, and responsible, and wants to be trustworthy and not sneak around, she can change her character.

I'd reveal to the husband exactly her thoughts and what developments have been going on. Then explain to the husband that all this time she needed him to listen and consider her feelings.

If he doesn't listen and start to understand or try to understand then it's time to move on.

She needs to completely address the current situation before cheating her way out of it, or giving in or quitting.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

It would be interesting to hear your husband's take on the relationship. Can't help but feel it would sound pretty different than your accounting of it, which has more than a hint of history re-writing to it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sh987 said:


> It would be interesting to hear your husband's take on the relationship. Can't help but feel it would sound pretty different than your accounting of it, which has more than a hint of history re-writing to it.


They both have their own perceptions of things. Checking out and spying on the other never has helped anything though. Being in the relationship as a viewer only, not participating.

I would like for her to go through this with alot of integrity and use it for personal growth whether they work through the issues ( which are not that great ) or they release and go on their ways.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

treyvion said:


> No, I think she IS old enough and can be mature enough to handle a serious relationship. People were doing it at her age 50 years ago...
> 
> I believe if she can hold herself personally accountable, and responsible, and wants to be trustworthy and not sneak around, she can change her character.
> 
> ...


Gotcha. To be honest.. I am afraid of telling him. He pushed me once when we had an argument. It was only one time but it was one of our worst arguments. He has also thrown objects across the room (2 cell phones, laptop, video game controller) in a fit of rage when he's gotten angry at me. Please understand, I am NOT using this as a cop out. I just believe that this argument would be worse than the others... being he has no knowledge of this guy (my fault entirely). In the grand scheme of things I suppose those rageful incidents were pretty infrequent. It still does stay in the back of my mind: "Don't push him to the limit or xxxx will happen." All of these incidents were blamed on me. He said I pushed him too far and if I hadn't he wouldn't have thrown those things/pushed me. It may have been my fault. Maybe I should have been more aware of his limits and what I was saying.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

sh987 said:


> It would be interesting to hear your husband's take on the relationship. Can't help but feel it would sound pretty different than your accounting of it, which has more than a hint of history re-writing to it.


I think his take would be that I expect too much. He does not believe he should help me when I'm upset if he didn't cause it. He would also say I am unaffectionate and have no sex drive and get mad at him for touching me. He works and provides and sees that as his contribution to us. I'm sure he would also say I complain and nag too much and that I'm very uptight. I am not trying to say I am perfect. I want to lay all of the details out there. I can fully admit my flaws.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

treyvion said:


> They both have their own perceptions of things. Checking out and spying on the other never has helped anything though. Being in the relationship as a viewer only, not participating.
> 
> I would like for her to go through this with alot of integrity and use it for personal growth whether they work through the issues ( which are not that great ) or they release and go on their ways.


Thanks. I really appreciate that. I am going to try and put a lot of thought into this and go about it the right way. I can't stop thinking about the other guy. It's taking over everything within me. I don't want it to but it's happening.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

veronicabunny said:


> Thank you. This is some really solid advice.
> 
> I do feel as though I moved too quickly with this relationship with my husband. It was like once we were together we were spending every single moment together- for the wrong reason. The reason being if I was there, he wouldn't be tempted to drink. I felt like a babysitter rather than a girlfriend. It got routine and dull incredibly fast.


Why did you choose to marry him? At 21, you were barely getting your life started. What was the rush to marry for?

And why are you in so much debt? Do you have a plan for getting out of debt, exactly how you will pay down the debt? Do you have a job?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You don't feel much for him, you don't know if you've ever loved him, you don't want sex with him, there's little or no affection between you and now you're cheating on him. 

Frankly, it doesn't sound as though there's much hope for your marriage, so divorce would be the best option, IMO.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

veronicabunny said:


> I think his take would be that I expect too much. He does not believe he should help me when I'm upset if he didn't cause it. He would also say I am unaffectionate and have no sex drive and get mad at him for touching me. He works and provides and sees that as his contribution to us. I'm sure he would also say I complain and nag too much and that I'm very uptight. I am not trying to say I am perfect. I want to lay all of the details out there. I can fully admit my flaws.


Yeah, the constant rejections or being told you aren't doing it right will eventually erode his confidence, can reduce his sex drive and desire and even cause "ED". Yes your WORDS can cause him to mentally have "ED".

I'm not putting the blame on you. If you aren't going to be decieving people as your main way of dealing with life, you need to go on ahead and be honest. 

Start out by he wasn't listening and you are getting tired, but that the conversation has to happen. Explain to him that he's hit or touched you in the past, and that's not going to happen, because you will be done, also if he hit I would just call the police and get on with my life. Even if you care about him, it will get him off that track in life if he has any sense, but you can't stand in for the punishment.

Yes, your conversation is going to hurt him, will make him angry, but it will get his attention - and maybe he will want to listen to you.

If he does not, then you guys are done...


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

norajane said:


> Why did you choose to marry him? At 21, you were barely getting your life started. What was the rush to marry for?
> 
> And why are you in so much debt? Do you have a plan for getting out of debt, exactly how you will pay down the debt? Do you have a job?


That's a rough question to answer. It's sad and pathetic that I don't have a definite answer. I figured that I couldn't find anyone else, he was decent to me, and I was worried he would go back to drinking without me. 

The debt is a result of many medical bills before we had insurance plus good ole' stupidity and carelessness. We're both equally at fault on the debt. We are trying to pay it down. Making all of the payments and making progress slowly. 

Yes, I do have a job.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Yeah, the constant rejections or being told you aren't doing it right will eventually erode his confidence, can reduce his sex drive and desire and even cause "ED". Yes your WORDS can cause him to mentally have "ED".
> 
> I'm not putting the blame on you. If you aren't going to be decieving people as your main way of dealing with life, you need to go on ahead and be honest.
> 
> ...


I need to work up the courage to do this. It does need to happen. I will be terrified though. I doubt it will cause him to fix anything. I would be shocked. I think he will get mad, violent, or just kick me out on the spot. He is difficult to converse with if the subject isn't satisfactory to him.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

veronicabunny said:


> That's a rough question to answer. It's sad and pathetic that I don't have a definite answer. I figured that I couldn't find anyone else, he was decent to me, and I was worried he would go back to drinking without me.
> 
> The debt is a result of many medical bills before we had insurance plus good ole' stupidity and carelessness. We're both equally at fault on the debt. We are trying to pay it down. Making all of the payments and making progress slowly.
> 
> Yes, I do have a job.


Ya'll have some problems and something new will look attractive and better.

It is empowering to buck up and handle your problems. Also it will be empowering to have that conversation straight on. It sounds like you haven't gone all the way over to cheating, but ALMOST. Get your guy to listen and adjust himself.

Also LISTEN to him, and cut him some slack if you see he's working with you.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Those thoughts process, those infatuations, are normal. They will get worse, at least for the next five or ten years. You get to decide whether to listen to them. They are designed to get you to be promiscuous. If you want to be monogamous you need to control them. You can't switch them of, but maybe you can channel them.

As a side effect, thinking about the other guy makes you think less kindly of your husband. You might not think so, but I have seen it often. You should at least assume it is a possibility.

If you want this to have a happy ending, either work on your marriage, or leave it now with as few tears as possible. Don't settle for mediocrity.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Those thoughts process, those infatuations, are normal. They will get worse, at least for the next five or ten years. You get to decide whether to listen to them. They are designed to get you to be promiscuous. If you want to be monogamous you need to control them. You can't switch them of, but maybe you can channel them.


It's TRUE. If you can accept these feelings are normal at the stage of life you can control it.



Wazza said:


> As a side effect, thinking about the other guy makes you think less kindly of your husband. You might not think so, but I have seen it often. You should at least assume it is a possibility.


YES, it is quite normal if you put someone over the spouse that you will think less kindly of the spouse, even think badly of them and blameshift.



Wazza said:


> If you want this to have a happy ending, either work on your marriage, or leave it now with as few tears as possible. Don't settle for mediocrity.


Right, use this to springboard your life either way! I know you will feel more fulfilled and more empowered from handling it straight on. 

Lying, rugsweeping, blame shifting cause you to be less sharp and less reliable to yourself. Don't do it if you really don't have to.

Your at a really powerful time in your life, where you can either follow the herd and do all the shenanigams that get done, have a bunch of dramatic stories to tell, or you can make insane progress in life!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

veronicabunny said:


> I need to work up the courage to do this. It does need to happen. I will be terrified though. I doubt it will cause him to fix anything. I would be shocked. I think he will get mad, violent, or just kick me out on the spot. He is difficult to converse with if the subject isn't satisfactory to him.


Plan on the worst case. Tell him somewhere public so he can't go nuts, and have somewhere to go if he kicks you out. But it's your house too!

I know this is all horrible and not what you expected when you married, but the good news is that lit can be amazingly good again. Conversely, if you are 24 and undoing a choice you made at 21, why would you expect your next marriage to last fifty or sixty years?


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

Wazza said:


> Plan on the worst case. Tell him somewhere public so he can't go nuts, and have somewhere to go if he kicks you out. But it's your house too!
> 
> I know this is all horrible and not what you expected when you married, but the good news is that lit can be amazingly good again. Conversely, if you are 24 and undoing a choice you made at 21, why would you expect your next marriage to last fifty or sixty years?


I think he would find it very disrespectful if I told him in a public place. I'm pretty sure he'd just leave immediately and then I'd have to still deal with an angry rage when I went home. I am able to go to my Mom's if he kicks me out.

It's not what I expected at all. I expected to feel something, some sort of love or good feeling and I don't. I have had plenty of guys flirt with me and I felt nothing..never felt anything until the other day with this one guy. 

Do you think I married too young? Or married the wrong person? I'm wondering if most people who marry young run into this. Had I married him at 28 or 30.. would I still feel this way? I ask myself these things constantly.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

veronicabunny said:


> Do you think I married too young?
> 
> *YOU did, yes. Some people can handle it if they have some experience. He's your first relationship. That tells you all you need to know.*
> 
> ...


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

Yea, you're right. I did have a notion in my head that I should wait for the right guy to come along instead of sl*tting around and trying things out. I feel completely different than that now and I realize that it doesn't make you sl*tty at all. I think that was drilled into my head by my mother and grandmother my whole life. Not making excuses.. it was just all I knew at that age. 

I am aware that each relationship has it's perks and downfalls but more and more I see what other's have in their relationship and I think "WOW husbands actually act that nice?!" Not saying my husband doesn't feel like that when he sees other people's wives. I know I have plenty of issues myself. It's just something that I never took note of until I was already married.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

veronicabunny said:


> That's a rough question to answer. It's sad and pathetic that I don't have a definite answer. I figured that I couldn't find anyone else, he was decent to me, and I was worried he would go back to drinking without me.


And how do you feel now? You obviously know you can find someone else, is your husband still decent to you (be honest with yourself), are you still afraid he'd go back to drinking?

Most important, do you still have low self-esteem? If so, think about what this other guy really means to you. Is he making you feel better about yourself? Is that what you find most attractive about him - how much better you feel about yourself? If that's at the core of your feelings for him, it sounds like you might be using him as a crutch to prop up your low self-esteem. 

You're better off developing your own self-esteem that is not dependent on a man or anyone else. Start there and take the time to make that happen before looking for someone else to make you feel better. 



> The debt is a result of many medical bills before we had insurance plus good ole' stupidity and carelessness. We're both equally at fault on the debt. We are trying to pay it down. Making all of the payments and making progress slowly.
> 
> Yes, I do have a job.


Keep working on this debt, and building up savings. Add an extra $10 to each payment - it will add up over time. Whether you stay or go, you need to take care of this. You'd be surprised how much it will add to your self-esteem when you have paid off this debt and gotten yourself free from the financial burden. That is a big accomplishment.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

veronicabunny said:


> I think he would find it very disrespectful if I told him in a public place. I'm pretty sure he'd just leave immediately and then I'd have to still deal with an angry rage when I went home. I am able to go to my Mom's if he kicks me out.
> 
> It's not what I expected at all. I expected to feel something, some sort of love or good feeling and I don't. I have had plenty of guys flirt with me and I felt nothing..never felt anything until the other day with this one guy.
> 
> Do you think I married too young? Or married the wrong person? I'm wondering if most people who marry young run into this. Had I married him at 28 or 30.. would I still feel this way? I ask myself these things constantly.


Marry too young? Marry the wrong person? I don't know. But a long marriage requires sticking with each other through life changes. You have to decide whether you want to do that.


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## veronicabunny (Jan 8, 2014)

norajane said:


> And how do you feel now? You obviously know you can find someone else, is your husband still decent to you (be honest with yourself), are you still afraid he'd go back to drinking?
> 
> Most important, do you still have low self-esteem? If so, think about what this other guy really means to you. Is he making you feel better about yourself? Is that what you find most attractive about him - how much better you feel about yourself? If that's at the core of your feelings for him, it sounds like you might be using him as a crutch to prop up your low self-esteem.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I feel crappy. When I talk to him most of the time I feel like what's the point.. he doesn't listen. But we do have good times and laugh and have fun. It's not all bad but I'd say my relationship is 90% dull. Nothing either way.. boring. I try to liven it up but he's not receptive unless it's about sex and only that. I think he's not as decent as he used to be. I have just learned what not to say and to hold back to avoid and problems. I keep everything inside. I am TERRIFIED he will go back to drinking. He's told me multiple times "If we broke up ever.. I'd probably start drinking again." I don't want to be the cause of his death.  

My self-esteem is better than before.. that's for sure. I just feel very dragged down and like I'm not living life. I don't think the other guy is simply a self-esteem boost. I receive compliments from many guys and it's nice but I don't think much into it. I just had a real connection with him. Sure, he complimented me but it was so much more. I do get attention from men often and I don't ever act on anything or even want to other than a quick fantasy in my head which I think is normal. 

I'm trying hard with my debt. Thank you for that tip.  I wish I could save money but nearly all of it goes to paying the bills. It is a learning experience for me. I now know to be much much more careful with spending. I am not longer adding to the debt but my husband still is. Not majorly but he definitely makes unnecessary purchases sometimes. He has no care about the debt.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're painting a very negative picutre of your husband. Very very very rarely people in relationships are the cause of infidelity. If everything you are saying is true and not exageration than it's starting to look like he's the one who shot himself in the foot.

On the sex thing though don't be too hard on him. When someone is in the dessert dying of thirst all they're going to want is water. They're not going to want to go out out to a fancy restaurant or go for a moonlit walk on the beach. They will be completely consumed with water and everything having to do with it. Sex = water when you're not getting any.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sinnister said:


> You're painting a very negative picutre of your husband. Very very very rarely people in relationships are the cause of infidelity.


What do you expect? She's actively involved in an affair. Everyone involved in an affair sounds like that.

It's hardly original.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I found the book referred to in this link useful for understanding my wife's affair. It might give you an insight into yourself:

Women's Infidelity

It's an easy book to read. There is also a sequel. I wouldn't worry about that as much, but the first one had some amazing insights.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Leave your marriage and don't have an affair. I just found out that my H is having an affair and it hurts beyond belief....I've never felt this type of pain. Just leave and save your poor husband.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

veronicabunny said:


> I have just learned what not to say and to hold back to avoid and problems. I keep everything inside. I am TERRIFIED he will go back to drinking. He's told me multiple times "If we broke up ever.. I'd probably start drinking again." I don't want to be the cause of his death.


Just wanted to comment on this. You are NOT responsible for what he does to himself, and that's wrong of him to put that on you. That's all on him. You are only responsible for YOU and YOUR behavior.

To me it sounds like maybe you both need to grow up a lot and also maybe you weren't right for eachother in the first place.

But I agree with lots of other people: don't have an affair. Whether you stay married and work things out or get a divorce, you need to put all your energy and focus into that process and that decision. Thinking about the other guy is a nice distraction, I'm sure, but it's only going to make things harder and more complicated and more confusing. Try to focus on what you need to do with your marriage first, whatever that may be.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this guy knows your married and is trying to bang you. do you think he has good morals?

take the high road and don't cheat physically. get divorced and if he starts drinking again its on him.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

I felt the same way about my ex husband. I didn't cheat on him but we did eventually divorce and, for both his sake and mine, probably should have done it a lot sooner.

Sounds to me like the simple truth is that you do not love this man. That's not fair on either of you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I know this new guy feels like the cat's pajamas to you right now...and his presence in the equation is now making things very desperate at the moment. But you are about to bring about some major chaos and destruction upon yourself, you husband, this guy, and family members if you go any further with other man. It is my opinion that you end it immediately.

You are entering into "greener grass" mentality where this new guy is drawing so much euphoria and wonderfulness out of you...that when you see your husband, you feel yourself pulling away. You are emotionally going through the stage of severing your bond to your husband, so that you can run off with this guy. Yet, you don't want to feel so bad about it, so you search for any good reason to demonize your husband enough to justify leaving him, or worse yet, get the party started with #2 before you even leave #1.

#2 isn't going to make your life any better than #1. It just FEELS like he will, but right now...all you have is FEELINGS. 'Cos let's suppose you make the leap...still have bills to pay, still need work. There is also all the stuff about #2 that you still don't know about...his porn habit, or anger issues, or whatever. you DON'T KNOW because he is putting on his best face...just like you are! In a new relationship, one would call this the bonding phase...eveything is new, feels great, and all of their flaws just don't matter 'cos you FEEL SOOO GOOD around them!! If you try to recall, you probably experienced some of that with #1.

But it fades...it's natural for those strong feelings to fade...they call it the attachment phase (when the need for commitment, attachment, loyalty, patience, and emotional intimacy arises)...and you can't really attach with your spouse if you are both immature, have intimacy issues, communication issues, etc. All I am saying is that the feelings will fade with #2 as well...and you will have to suffer through the hard task of making a new relationship work when you haven't even figured out what didn't make #1 work.

Dump the boy toy...don't use him to make up for your marital unhappiness. Besides, how much can you trust a guy who is already making moves on a MARRIED WOMAN? What does that say about his character? Doesn't impress me.

If deep down you really love your spouse, then I suggest MC...but if husband doesn't want anything to do with it, then I guess he obviously is NOT AWARE of how close he is to losing you. Let him know this that you are very serious about this...that this is a dealbreaker of he isn't interested in working this out.

Or your mind could be made up that it is over and done with...however you seem on the fence...so I would suggest that you make a reasonable attempt to salvage it. I am sure somewhere in the back of your mind, you are majorly factoring #2...and you are gonna do what you are gonna do anyway...but like others have said, if you can't handle your present relationship, then it's probably not a good idea to jump quickly into a new one.

Try to think rationally about this...and don;t get swept up by your heated emotions. Be smart. Play smart.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

It sounds like your husband is not even interested to put his part in fixing the wrong. His refusal to talk things through is not acceptable. Nor is his throwing stuff around the house in rage. 

You married young and it felt off from the beginning. You don't have much in common, no conversation, no sex connection, and I hope, no children.
so what stops you to leave this relationship? Get out and find happiness. Life is too short, and you are young.
Marriage is supposed to be and can be beautiful. With someone compatible, that you love and who loves you.

Do not cheat, though. If it feels wrong, it is because it is. Do the right thing. Divorce, then do whatever you want.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It does sound like you probably married the wrong guy for the wrong reasons. But is not a valid reason for an affair. You need to decide if your marriage to your husband has long term possibilities and plan your actions accordingly. But this decision has to be made as if the OM does not exist at all. What your feeling for him is blurred and not accurate. He is meeting emotional needs of yours that are currently unmet by your husband. Your whole picture of him is made up of conversations on the Internet and one meeting. You only know what he wants you to know. 

My advice would be to tell him you need to time to decide what your future is going to hold and that you will not be in contact till you do. Clear your head of the OM. The question is do you want a divorce. Not do you want a divorce so you can be with the OM. Because in the end, when you really get to know him, he might not be any better than your current husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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