# Can 11 years of Cheating be Put in the Past??



## love14 (Nov 20, 2011)

I'm a 34 year old mother or 2 that has been in a cheating marriage for 11 years. Without going sooo far back and putting people to sleep..lol. I will just say that from the moment I started dating my husband he has seen other women. 2 days before we married (courthouse) I got a shocking phone call from a women to his cell phone. I know, I know and I still married him. Just writing this is hard, because I know I that am responsible for some of this, but I feel like such a victim. Since then there has been 15 women that I know about. Some from texts (very sexual) some from email pictues (again, very, very sexual pic & lang) some from cell phones and others from jobs. 

In the beginning there were no concrete evidence, then in the last 5 years (along with new technology ex: email, text, etc.) There has been terrible blows, with circling stituations. I find them he cries and swear to change, I find others, he cries and swear to change. We've been to counseling, I've even had my own affair (which of couse he forgave and never discuss) Then recently in the past year we moved to from the eastcoast to the westcoast and he has now had an awaking....Because while he was out doing all of the things we've had car repos, forclousures, and bad money issues. Now, he is sincerely trying to change doing all the things that all the marriage counselours asked of him years ago. I can't describe every detail but its sincere (I guess) He apologizes, he talks in detail about them all, he is really trying. He continues to ask me to allow that to be our "past" and move forward. 

But here is my issue...my husband is a very sexual person.. He tells me that he needs me to keep it fresh and new cause that was why he was cheating, on top of the fact we argued a lot in the past due to my past depression and family issues. I feel like Im never enough for him. Some days I feel like its all in my head, and others I knw that Im not enough. He says he needs lots of attention, and he didn't know how to tell me what he truly wanted before and it was easier to get it from others cause they didn't say "no" to anything like I did. So here is my question how I move on?? Im soooo mad that he has not be my husband for 11 years, for 11 yrs I shared him with tons of women some I walked right pass looking dumb and naive (he isa great cheater and wonderful liar) And to stay is like giving him everything the cake and the icing too. 

I feel like I stay because Im comfortable. Im the only person married in my family (every knows of his cheating) well in both of our families. We look sussesful on the outside. I have childeren and have lived through divorce as a child and just don't want that for my kids. But I honestly want a man that has loved me from first sight, and only has touched me. I was married young and not expreienced with sex (23yr with 2 longterm partners) So I didn't know all the things he wanted sexually and now he asks me to make sex tapes and take pics of mysefl using toys etc...and I just can't do it cause I found pics of these women doing these things for him. He hasn't been caught "cheating" lately (past yr) but he has emailed an ex girlfriend commented on how "sexy" she looked...he's also responded to an email from an ex lover (which he said wasn'tsexually just being nice and responding) Im sooo sad, because I can't live like this, but I don't have the streingth to live with it. So what do I do?? I know that was a lot still, but I really would appriecate any advice


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

This man is badly messed up and would need a ton of treatment. I highly doubt he will change. So, I think you should consider leaving.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to find and marry a real man. He will never measure up.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

If it happened an hour ago or further back then it is in the past but...

the past is typically a rather accurate indicator of the future unless...

there is a clearly identifiable event that forever changed the circumantancs.

If there isnt one then what you really mean by your question is can you forgive and will it happen again. 

The answers are yes and probably


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's all fun and games until he brings home an STD or aids.

So how is being married to a chronic cheater working out for you and the kids? They must really be able to look up to him.

Seriously, his life style is selfish and toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> You need to find and marry a real man. He will never measure up.


:iagree:

You can certainly find a man or men who are light years much better for you than this POS.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

love14 said:


> ...my husband is a very sexual person... He tells me that he needs me to keep it fresh and new cause that was why he was cheating ...
> 
> and it was easier to get it from others cause they didn't say "no" to anything like I did.
> 
> .... So I didn't know all the things he wanted sexually and now he asks me to make sex tapes and take pics of mysefl using toys etc...and I just can't do it cause I found pics of these women doing these things for him. He hasn't been caught "cheating" lately (past yr)


OK. Stop doing this to yourself RIGHT NOW!!
(a) you are NOT to blame for his cheating!
(b) you are ALLOWED to say no sometimes, if you're not into something.
(c) if you're not into the tapes or pics with toys, that is totally allowed.

My husband is currently blaming me for our issues, basically saying I was never "raw" enough, sexually. Dude, there's nothing wrong with wanting to "make love" instead of "get off." (As long as you want to "make love" passionately and often! )

What you need is what you need. And if it's not what he wants, you should move on. You're young. (Really! Can you imagine another 50 years of this? Do you WANT to?)

DON"T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE THE BLAME for not being a porn-star. If you want real intimacy and lovemaking, you deserve them.


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## love14 (Nov 20, 2011)

All the comments are right so far.  Its exactly what every marriage counselour said (4) in all. 

I started this marriage running from my home problems (which in a sense, took a piece of my self esteem). And these affairs, has certainly given the self-esteem a beating. But you all are right, I gotta move on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your comfortable in your mge.---Isn't it really, that you are scared shi*less to face the big, bad world on your own

Guess what you are a big girl now---its time to grow up

You are with a sex addict, a liar, deciever, manipulator, and worst of all, he is an abuser----and you stay---why---cuz you are comfortable?????

If this is so comforing to you---why are you here, why have you been to 4 different counselors---and IGNORED everything you are being told

You seem to just shine everything on, and you stay----do you enjoy the misery, do you enjoy knowing what your H., has done in the past---and WHAT HE WILL DO AGAIN IN THE FUTURE

You keep throwing out excuses for him, you know da*n well---HE IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE

You get one trip thru life on this planet----so far yours is filled with misery, and unhappiness----IS THAT THE WAY YOU INTEND TO FINISH OUT YOUR LIFE??????

This may be extremely harsh---but it is the plain and simple truth, and you need to face it!!!!!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you continue your marriage, don't ever expect him to be faithful. He will always go out and find other women. Personally, I would of left years ago. My ex husband is a serial cheater and still cheats on his wife to this day and is proud of it(he told our daughter so when she was 16).

There are much better men out there. My current husband treats me with respect and he's always putting my needs before his. You deserve so much more then what you've already settled for. Your husband will never change and you'll never be able to trust him 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I think you like being the victim.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP he has a perversion and acts it out at your expense seeing that he cheats. I am sorry to say this but your story reminds me of all that I have put up with for so many years and from experience I will say that I don't think your husband will ever change. The things that he has done is what he cherishes the most and not your love. 
He would have to be brought to the place of such desperation and guilt and heartache so as to be made willing to give up his lifestyle. Only God can cause that to happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He cheated on you from the moment you started dating and then after that you married him even knowing all this. I'm sorry but this has not been a real marriage, its been an open one from the start.

It's obvious from your story that your WH suffers from *Sexual Addiction (SA)*, and that's not something you can fix. He needs to get help for that from a professional. He's not the type of person who should be married. Each time he's caught, he cries and swears he'll change, right? He can't do it on his own.

As much cheating as he's done, the lack of remorse, etc, I don't know how you can just put that in the past and sweep it under the rug. I also havent seen from your post that you've gotten tested for any STDs. Have you?

As difficult as this is, follow everyone's advice and kick him to the curb and divorce him. He's a SA cheater and will not change. If you choose not to divorce him, then you can only look forward to his behavior the rest of your life. He also will not change because he knows all he has to do is shed some crocodile tears, apologize, and you will forgive him until the next time he's caught. Wash, rinse, repeat. Is this what you want to do the rest of your life? You're suffering from a variation of battered wife syndrome, the ony difference is he's abusing you emtionally, gets caught, acts nice, and then the cycle repeats itself. Like I_Will_Survive said, you shouldn't have to be a porn start to keep your husband.

You will find a REAL MAN, not some SA who will never be faithful to you because he is broken inside.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What you are married to is an abuser. He doesn't hit you, but he cheats without remorse and with no intent or attempt to stop.

"keeping it fresh" is just so beyond something that a man who is a real man, with actual morals would say.

Frankly, I've never said this on this board before - but this guy is a total looser who doesn't deserve the gift of your love.

Get away from him, loose him into your past. He has no intention or self motivation to ever stop humiliating you, or putting your life at risk because of diseases. Want AIDs?

divorce him tomorrow.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> He cheated on you from the moment you started dating and then after that you married him even knowing all this. I'm sorry but this has not been a real marriage, its been an open one from the start.
> 
> It's obvious from your story that your WH suffers from *Sexual Addiction (SA)*, and that's not something you can fix. He needs to get help for that from a professional. He's not the type of person who should be married. Each time he's caught, he cries and swears he'll change, right? He can't do it on his own.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
You also need counseling to address why you married this guy knowing what you did, and have stayed around for so long. I am not blaming you, but you need to find these answers to get yourself in a position to find a better man.


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