# Wife not into sex, but not telling me that (I read her phone messages to girlfriends...)



## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.

Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's. 

So... I feel a bit humiliated and pissed she is telling friends this. But life is good otherwise. Do I confront her? I think if I do then we'll have less sex anyway, but I wish she'd be honest with me and not just to her friends. 

Advice ideally from other wives appreciated.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jamie Coates said:


> ...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.
> 
> Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's.
> 
> ...


I’m sorry you had to read that. It had to hurt. I would ask her if it is true...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree. Release her back into the wild.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

You’re humiliated because her remarks are humiliating. They’re also mean and degrading.

When a person discusses something intimate and vulnerable about their spouse with others, they had better damn well explain themselves. Your intimate life isn’t fodder for her friends. She sounds incredibly immature.

Absolutely you confront her. She should address this with you if there is a problem, not her friends, that’s really a betrayal of marital trust. She needs to explain herself and her actions so that you can regain trust. She needs to also apologize to you in front of these friends.

If I were you, I’d demand answers and an apology, and I’d ask her if what she said is true. If it is, that’s a problem you’ll have to sort out. If she says it isn’t true, tell her to go to your bedroom and wait there for you. How long you make her wait is up to you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Damn that is harsh.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> Damn that is harsh.


No joke...ouch


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jamie Coates said:


> ...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.
> 
> Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's.
> 
> ...


Women do tell their friends a lot although married women usually temper it more. Women do get tired of giving BJs. I don't know if it helps to realize that they can use their friends as an outlet to relieve some stress about it and that they may just do that so that they can keep from letting you down because they don't want to disappoint you. Nowhere did she say she didn't love you. 

You've been nice about the situation that you knew she didn't want sex as often, which is very very common in marriages. I bet all you would have to do now is initiate some alternative to doing BJs as much and you'd both be just fine. I wouldn't use this information to attack and confront. I would use it to adjust the situation, but at the same time try to think of something else you'd like to do and you never know maybe the change will just be good for both of you. 

Good luck. Don't overreact. There's nothing really out of the ordinary here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is a BJ required every time you have sex? Is that the extent of your session or a prelude? Is it reciprocal? How often do you get drunk?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Jamie Coates said:


> ...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.
> 
> Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's.
> 
> ...


That was really mean and I’m sure it hurt a lot. I would ask your wife about it, because if you don’t it won’t get better and you’ll end up feeling resentful. A couple of questions I might wonder about are if she’s going through some hormonal changes due to being at a certain stage of life or having any medical issues? I’m not there yet myself, but a couple ladies I know have complained that certain conditions they have just make it hard to feel in the mood. If that’s the case she needs to talk to her doctor. She mentioned blow jobs are boring, and sure they can get that way especially if the go to move before sex is for her to give you one and then it’s game on. Is there reciprocity? Are you also feeding the relationship in other ways? Help with the dishes without being asked, tell her she looks sexy, buy flowers, take her on dates - all that stuff you did when things were fresh. I once heard the analogy that women are like banks. You have to deposit before you can take anything out. How bonded and engaged with you we feel can affect our sex drive a lot. It may or may not be one of these things, you’ll have to talk about it to find out.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

She gets tired of bjs but does she still want you to put on a miner's hat and take care of her needs? Also what if you got tired of going to work and paying bills? Would you get a pass?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jamie Coates said:


> I was drunk and too tempted.


I always wonder why an adult who is older than college-age is getting drunk. Perhaps this behavior turns off your wife.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I always wonder why an adult who is older than college-age is getting drunk. Perhaps this behavior turns off your wife.


Chasing oblivion. Can’t answer for the OP but it is definitely not attractive to my wife.


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Women do tell their friends a lot although married women usually temper it more. Women do get tired of giving BJs. I don't know if it helps to realize that they can use their friends as an outlet to relieve some stress about it and that they may just do that so that they can keep from letting you down because they don't want to disappoint you. Nowhere did she say she didn't love you.
> 
> You've been nice about the situation that you knew she didn't want sex as often, which is very very common in marriages. I bet all you would have to do now is initiate some alternative to doing BJs as much and you'd both be just fine. I wouldn't use this information to attack and confront. I would use it to adjust the situation, but at the same time try to think of something else you'd like to do and you never know maybe the change will just be good for both of you.
> 
> Good luck. Don't overreact. There's nothing really out of the ordinary here.


Thank you, this is great. I know she loves me, and I love her too. I don't ask fror/expect lots of BJ's much as I* enjoy them. And I love making her come, and happy to spend a long time going down. It's great. I just feel so angry with her, and don't know if I should confront her and tell her I read her texts.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> Chasing oblivion.


Or avoiding the issues. Either way, nothing constructive comes from it.


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

Untrusting said:


> That was really mean and I’m sure it hurt a lot. I would ask your wife about it, because if you don’t it won’t get better and you’ll end up feeling resentful. A couple of questions I might wonder about are if she’s going through some hormonal changes due to being at a certain stage of life or having any medical issues? I’m not there yet myself, but a couple ladies I know have complained that certain conditions they have just make it hard to feel in the mood. If that’s the case she needs to talk to her doctor. She mentioned blow jobs are boring, and sure they can get that way especially if the go to move before sex is for her to give you one and then it’s game on. Is there reciprocity? Are you also feeding the relationship in other ways? Help with the dishes without being asked, tell her she looks sexy, buy flowers, take her on dates - all that stuff you did when things were fresh. I once heard the analogy that women are like banks. You have to deposit before you can take anything out. How bonded and engaged with you we feel can affect our sex drive a lot. It may or may not be one of these things, you’ll have to talk about it to find out.


Thanks for your thoughtful response. And yes, we have regular date nights (mostly at home now), I do more than my fair share of housework, and tell her often how great she looks. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me, but don't know what to do here. I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I don't want a sex life that isn't what she also wants. And I don't want to not have much of one, it's important to me. I think for me and many other men it makes us feel closer, and is a validation of our masculinity.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Are you upset that your wife feels this way or that she shared it with her friends? 

I agree that she should have never discussed her intimate relationship with friends however she should have an outlet to discuss her feelings, preferably with a professional therapist specializing in talk therapy. I pay someone good money to listen to me vent. It helps me let out the frustration/anger/sadness. I don't hurt loved one's feelings and I get to the source of my emotions quickly.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jamie Coates said:


> Thanks for your thoughtful response. And yes, we have regular date nights (mostly at home now), I do more than my fair share of housework, and tell her often how great she looks. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me, but don't know what to do here. I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I don't want a sex life that isn't what she also wants. And I don't want to not have much of one, it's important to me. I think for me and many other men it makes us feel closer, and is a validation of our masculinity.


You should read "Come As You Are" by Nagoski. I think it'll help you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jamie Coates said:


> Thank you, this is great. I know she loves me, and I love her too. I don't ask fror/expect lots of BJ's much as I* enjoy them. And I love making her come, and happy to spend a long time going down. It's great. I just feel so angry with her, and don't know if I should confront her and tell her I read her texts.


I just think a better use of that information would be to change course just a tiny bit. She'll be mad that you read her messages and you're mad because she talks to her girlfriends but most women do that to some extent, although I can certainly understand your discomfort there. Hopefully that was just one of her friends and not whole neighborhood full of them. You just have to understand that most of us women know that men are super sensitive about things like this and don't feel they can talk to them about it without risking even worse fallout than this caused. Most women don't want to say anything that would hurt your feelings but that doesn't mean they don't have thoughts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry you had to read that. It had to hurt. I would ask her if it is true...


Why would it not be.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

That is really hurtful. I would find it hard to be enthusiastic about sex after reading that. I would definitely bring it up because although you maybe shouldn't have looked in her phone without asking her, the hurt is going to be palpable in you and she'll notice so you guys should probably talk about it so you can address the comment itself and the trust issue raised by her discussing it with her friends.

The only time I've become bored with giving BJs in a relationship has been when he stopped oral on me. I'm gonna play devil's advocate and ask - do you think there's any chance at all that you have maybe become less giving in bed over time? Sometimes it can happen over time. And then resentment built up in me when I was performing on him because I felt like why should I do this so often for him when he doesn't do this for me? And you can feel a little less seen over time in a relationship as you get comfortable. 

I would talk to her about it. Have an honest talk with her and try and tease out what she finds irksome about it.

If it were me I'd have a hard time getting over reading something like that about me. It'd make it hard to trust the person again.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Why would it not be.


🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you ask her to envision her perfect sexual encounter with you. What would she like to do, not do etc. If you want to mention that you drunkenly snooped through her phone, go ahead. Then you'll both know what's going on. You know blowjobs bore her and she'll know you snoop for no reason. I don't know that I would play the anger card with her, though.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> The only time I've become bored with giving BJs in a relationship has been when he stopped oral on me.


One of the great unspoken contracts...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wife here, 40s, same group of close female friends since primary school.

I would never disclose anything like that to my friends, ever. Two members of our group once complained about not really thinking sex was high on their list of priorities - they got a stern talking to from the rest of us. But that’s about as intimate as it got. Our discussions never get that personal. 

Very sorry for your situation, what she did was cruel.

What was the advice/response from the girlfriends? I’m curious whether this is the dynamic and they all bad their husbands? Or did any of them call her out and avoid the issue?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You don’t need to make excuses for looking at your wife’s phone. In a marriage both spouses should be able to look at each other’s devices as they see fit.

No, your desire for more sex than her is not what lessened her interest. It doesn’t work that way (ok if you made a habit of chasing her around the house with your pants down after she said she wasn’t in the mood, that could lower her desire, but I assume you were a bit more calibrated than that).

Ironically, you not initiating for a year and instead waiting passively for her to initiate, probably has lowered her desire. It just makes you look passive and deferential to her, which is an absolute desire killer for women. She knows you want sex and she knows you want it more than her, so choosing to back off and not initiate doesn’t show confidence and leadership.

So how often do you typically have sex? 
What are the leadership dynamics in your relationship?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

So I was thinking about this. I've seen several posts recently where the OP mentions that right from the start one person had a higher or lower sex drive than them. In this case with his being higher, shouldn't he manage his expectations knowing she has always had a lower drive? It's kind of like marrying an overweight person and then getting mad because they don't want to exercise 5 times a week.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's been nice about it though, which is not always the case.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jamie Coates said:


> When we do have sex it's great for both of us.





Jamie Coates said:


> And I love making her come, and happy to spend a long time going down. It's great.





Jamie Coates said:


> I think for me and many other men it makes us feel closer, and is a validation of our masculinity.


I re read your posts and these three lines stood out to me. Are you focused on your wife's orgasm or pleasure when you have sex? In other words, is sex pleasurable for you even if your wife does not orgasm? Or do you need for her to orgasm for you to enjoy it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. Your marriage isn't mine but it's hard to not compare. I wouldn't put up with the unsatisfactory sex life on your side, it does seem you want more and I'm willing to bet more enthusiastic as well, and it would appear she doesn't really like it that much or she is just "girl bull ****ting" with her friends like some do.

If you both get off like you claim, she obviously isn't telling her friend the whole truth.

Regardless, she is absolutely betraying your trust and disrespecting you in the process.

I had to get on Mrs. Conan early in our relationship for talking to her sister about our bedroom stuff even though she wasn't disparaging me, it wasn't keeping my trust.

I wouldn't have gotten into your position to begin with but I certainly wouldn't continue with her as is.

I would take a very firm stance and come clean about looking at her phone.

If she tries to get haughty about you invading her privacy, I would walk. I'm not joking.

I would start the process for divorce because I would not be married to a ridiculous little girl who exposed our sex life to her friends and disparaged me while she was at it.

There are plenty of grown ass women who have their act together enough to keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom and actually try to keep me happy in that department.

Does she think she is all that? How would she like you talking to your group about your sex life and your disappointments with her?

There are a lot of issues here and your relationship seems somewhat lopsided with her taking you for granted and you putting her on a pedestal she definitely didn't earn and can't live up to anyway.

It's one thing to have fun with close friends and laugh about bedroom activities together but that isn't what's going on here.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Al_Bundy said:


> So I was thinking about this. I've seen several posts recently where the OP mentions that right from the start one person had a higher or lower sex drive than them. In this case with his being higher, shouldn't he manage his expectations


Yep, I've seen those posts too and that rationale in response.
But why is it always the person who wants more, the one doing the compromising?

To use your analogy, the overweight person also agreed to marry the person who wants to work out? And while they might not want to work out five times a week, why couldn’t they shoot for three? If you are the one who always compromises, it really can’t be called compromising…


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I always wonder why an adult who is older than college-age is getting drunk. Perhaps this behavior turns off your wife.
> [/QU





Lila said:


> Are you upset that your wife feels this way or that she shared it with her friends?
> 
> I agree that she should have never discussed her intimate relationship with friends however she should have an outlet to discuss her feelings, preferably with a professional therapist specializing in talk therapy. I pay someone good money to listen to me vent. It helps me let out the frustration/anger/sadness. I don't hurt loved one's feelings and I get to the source of my emotions quickly.


Thanks. It's both. Slightly humiliated about those who know how she feels, but mostly disappointed how she feels and that she hasn't told me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. doing dishes and other chores needs getting done but do nothing to make your wife hot for you.😉


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> That is really hurtful. I would find it hard to be enthusiastic about sex after reading that. I would definitely bring it up because although you maybe shouldn't have looked in her phone without asking her, the hurt is going to be palpable in you and she'll notice so you guys should probably talk about it so you can address the comment itself and the trust issue raised by her discussing it with her friends.
> 
> The only time I've become bored with giving BJs in a relationship has been when he stopped oral on me. I'm gonna play devil's advocate and ask - do you think there's any chance at all that you have maybe become less giving in bed over time? Sometimes it can happen over time. And then resentment built up in me when I was performing on him because I felt like why should I do this so often for him when he doesn't do this for me? And you can feel a little less seen over time in a relationship as you get comfortable.
> 
> ...


Thanks. 100% no! I love giving, and tbh I'm more invested and satisfied when she comes over my own orgasm.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jamie Coates said:


> Thanks. 100% no! I love giving, and tbh I'm more invested and satisfied when she comes over my own orgasm.


Can I ask how often you have sex?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you think you may be leaning a little too much on drinking to deal with a situation? It may be a problem, it may not. Only you can assess that.


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

Lila said:


> I re read your posts and these three lines stood out to me. Are you focused on your wife's orgasm or pleasure when you have sex? In other words, is sex pleasurable for you even if your wife does not orgasm? Or do you need for her to orgasm for you to enjoy it?


Thanks. I prefer for sure when se comes, but then she usually does.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Women do tell their friends a lot although married women usually temper it more. Women do get tired of giving BJs. I don't know if it helps to realize that they can use their friends as an outlet to relieve some stress about it and that they may just do that so that they can keep from letting you down because they don't want to disappoint you. Nowhere did she say she didn't love you.
> 
> You've been nice about the situation that you knew she didn't want sex as often, which is very very common in marriages. I bet all you would have to do now is initiate some alternative to doing BJs as much and you'd both be just fine. I wouldn't use this information to attack and confront. I would use it to adjust the situation, but at the same time try to think of something else you'd like to do and you never know maybe the change will just be good for both of you.
> 
> Good luck. Don't overreact. There's nothing really out of the ordinary here.


Damn.. so do men get bored of going down on their wives too?


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## Jamie Coates (Mar 24, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Can I ask how often you have sex?


I'd say once every 3 weeks or so


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> Damn.. so do men get bored of going down on their wives too?


Not this barbarian!😋


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Not this barbarian!😋


Hahahha! Somehow I knew it was gonna be you! lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jamie Coates said:


> I'd say once every 3 weeks or so


How old are you and what type of health are you in???

That's glacial.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jamie Coates said:


> I'd say once every 3 weeks or so


I see that as a red flag for sure.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jamie Coates said:


> Thanks. I prefer for sure when se comes, but then she usually does.


Here's my two cents which may or may not relate to you. Sometimes women feel pressure to "perform" to make a partner, who uses sex as a source for validation, happy. It almost always backfires because most people cannot keep up the pretense. Instead of addressing the gorilla in the room, they start avoiding sex all together. If any of this rings a bell with you then i encourage you to stop using your wife's orgasms to validate your masculinity. Enjoy sex because it's a bonding experience but work on disassociating her orgasms to your pleasure. Let her enjoy sex at her pace without pressure to perform for your behalf.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once every three weeks. And even then she’s *****ing to her friends about you wanting it in a special occasion like A hotel outing?
She’s not into you. And that alone would make me want to pack up. 

On top of all this, she’s getting a good laugh at your expense by degrading you with her friends.

Then again, you read something addressed to her buddies, not you. People do talk a lot of crap sometimes that they don’t really mean. Sounds like she meant it though.

Do you feel the relationship is imbalanced?
I wouldn’t confront just yet. I can’t see a reason to that’s positive.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Once every three weeks. And even then she’s *****ing to her friends about you wanting it in a special occasion like A hotel outing?
> She’s not into you. And that alone would make me want to pack up.
> 
> On top of all this, she’s getting a good laugh at your expense by degrading you with her friends.
> ...


Once every 3 weeks is like 18 times a YEAR...I can wrap my head around it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Damn.. so do men get bored of going down on their wives too?


I'm sure the ones that do it a lot do. I've never found that to be a habitual thing but then I have not been married.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

GC1234 said:


> Damn.. so do men get bored of going down on their wives too?


No, in fact we watch the clock in between times...


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Jamie Coates said:


> I'd say once every 3 weeks or so


My friend, that is not the expression of a healthy sexual relationship. 
I'm 60 this year and Mrs Maximus is 55, we're both healthy and we average 3-5 times a week.

If there are underlying issues, it's best to sit down with her and have a very honest discussion including telling her your expectations and hearing hers. It's much better to get things out in the open than it is to struggle in this environment. Life is short, you both have expectations (and it's ok to have them), it's not ok to ignore them. Currently it seems only hers are being met.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Once every 3 weeks is like 18 times a YEAR...I can wrap my head around it.


I have been in a similar situation and I think you really need to talk to your wife and admit you were hurt.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Yep, I've seen those posts too and that rationale in response.
> But why is it always the person who wants more, the one doing the compromising?
> 
> To use your analogy, the overweight person also agreed to marry the person who wants to work out? And while they might not want to work out five times a week, why couldn’t they shoot for three? If you are the one who always compromises, it really can’t be called compromising…


I've seen posts from both sides. You're right the overweight person "could" exercise just like they "could" win lotto, but the probability of them doing either is slim, no pun intended. If I want a fast car, I buy a fast car, I don't buy a go-cart then complain about it.

Totally agree on the compromise thing. Tom Leykis used to say the more you have to compromise the more likely you are with the wrong person. This isn't like one person wants seafood and the other wants steak for dinner. Add to that sex generally declines after kids and time anyways. So expecting it to get better also goes against probabilities.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Al_Bundy said:


> I've seen posts from both sides. You're right the overweight person "could" exercise just like they "could" win lotto, but the probability of them doing either is slim, no pun intended. If I want a fast car, I buy a fast car, I don't buy a go-cart then complain about it.
> 
> Totally agree on the compromise thing. Tom Leykis used to say the more you have to compromise the more likely you are with the wrong person. This isn't like one person wants seafood and the other wants steak for dinner. Add to that sex generally declines after kids and time anyways. So expecting it to get better also goes against probabilities.


Wanting sex more than once every three weeks or so isn’t what I’d call a higher sex drive. The OP seems to indicate it was once better. I agree with you, people should be careful in who they decide to get married to, but there’s a gulf here that isn’t simply I want it 5 times a week and she wants it once. They have kids so there is an expression of compatibility here.

I’m glad my wife and I buck the downward trend of sex after kids, but I also know the reason for that, and it has nothing to do with kids. She respects me, and I cherish her. I would do anything for her from crossing the Pacific without a boat to laughing at her stupid jokes. I desire her more right now than when I saw her walk down the aisle. True sexual expression is inseparable from the respect and admiration two people have for one another, that’s why a lack of sex can’t be dismissed solely as “eh, people’s drive, waddya gonna do?” It is in fact almost always a symptom of a larger issue.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jamie Coates said:


> I'd say once every 3 weeks or so


You’re close to a sexless marriage. Some people (not gender specific) aren’t interested in sex.

Sounds like you’re incompatible. It is up to you whether you stay in this or not. Your life counts too.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Genie is out of the bottle here. You can try and dance around the fact that you know what you know or you can fess up that you snooped but what you saw suggests that your marriage is in crisis. Sometimes ripping off the bandages is the best way to quickly get clarity on the situation even if it means a difficult time in the short term. I'd be asking her if there was any way back from this or not.

My view is that you don't have sex with people who don't want to have it with you. Armed with the knowledge that she doesn't want to have sex with you, why would you take any pleasure from it? I wouldn't be initiating any sexual encounters until you have discussed this issue frankly and openly.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

As someone (57) who doesn't have sex with his wife any more, I can tell you that it hurt a lot when she told me (the story is long and complicated). Now, since you are still having sex, albeit once every 3 weeks (this was our average too), you have a couple of options: you can tell her what you have found and destroy your marriage (because this will happen), you don't say anything and be grateful that at least she is still paying attention to your needs when she would be happy to have zero sex or you can just file for divorce and find a more compatible person. I don't know your age, or if you have children, etc. I guess your decision will depend on this too. Personally, I accepted that my wife doesn't want to have sex again in her life (she also mental issues too) and I have played my part in all of this. Therefore, I will protect her stability and I will be doing my own thing, with her approval, obviously. Then, when we retire, I'm sure we'll go separate ways...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've made this all about you while her messages were all about her. She didn't denigrate you. All that her friends know is that *she *finds BJs boring and *she* doesn't like having sex in hotels. You're upset that she shared a little something about your private life with her friends. IMO, that's better than sharing it with *your* friends or your family.

We had a male poster here who shared every sexual thing he did with his wife with his twin brother. And, you know what? Some guys thought that was perfectly ok because they were twins. That was a big WTH?

You would be grinning like the cat who ate the canary if she had shared that she just loves having sex with you. In fact, you would be telling everyone you know that your wife brags about your sexual prowess. 

Some people share and some don't. I don't recommend telling your wife that you don't want her talking to her friends about herself. That's a little nutso.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You've made this all about you while her messages were all about her. She didn't denigrate you. All that her friends know is that *she *finds BJs boring and *she* doesn't like having sex in hotels. You're upset that she shared a little something about your private life with her friends. IMO, that's better than sharing it with *your* friends or your family.
> 
> We had a male poster here who shared every sexual thing he did with his wife with his twin brother. And, you know what? Some guys thought that was perfectly ok because they were twins. That was a big WTH?
> 
> ...


I'm not sure that's the point here. 

OP has found out that his wife is not happy with an important part of their marriage which he has been concerned about anyway. This is about OP tackling that issue not about what his wife talks about to her girlfriends.

If my wife genuinely felt that she did not enjoy or want sex with me, I think that I would be entirely right to be deeply concerned about that and the potential impact it will have on my marriage.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> As someone (57) who doesn't have sex with his wife any more, I can tell you that it hurt a lot when she told me (the story is long and complicated). Now, since you are still having sex, albeit once every 3 weeks (this was our average too), you have a couple of options: you can tell her what you have found and destroy your marriage (because this will happen), you don't say anything and be grateful that at least she is still paying attention to your needs when she would be happy to have zero sex or you can just file for divorce and find a more compatible person. I don't know your age, or if you have children, etc. I guess your decision will depend on this too. Personally, I accepted that my wife doesn't want to have sex again in her life (she also mental issues too) and I have played my part in all of this. Therefore, I will protect her stability and I will be doing my own thing, with her approval, obviously. Then, when we retire, I'm sure we'll go separate ways...


You do what is right for you, but saying that confronting this issue will end OP's marriage is a big leap. The reality is that many people cannot make peace with living in a sexless marriage or having a relationship with someone who only engages in 'duty sex'. There is nothing that says they have to make peace with that and they are entirely right to do what is right for them.

If I had not confronted the sexual issues in my marriage I suspect I would be miserable and sexless too. Yes, things still aren't perfect, by they are better.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AGoodFlogging said:


> You do what is right for you, but saying that confronting this issue will end OP's marriage is a big leap.


Possibly, but remember he's been snooping too... maybe his wife is just looking for an excuse. But we don't really know this.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Possibly, but remember he's been snooping too... maybe his wife is just looking for an excuse. But we don't really know this.


Maybe, maybe not. You can either get certainty on that by acting or live with Damocles' sword over your head by not. The genie is out of the bottle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I'm not sure that's the point here.
> 
> OP has found out that his wife is not happy with an important part of their marriage which he has been concerned about anyway. *This is about OP tackling that issue not about what his wife talks about to her girlfriends.*
> 
> If my wife genuinely felt that she did not enjoy or want sex with me, I think that I would be entirely right to be deeply concerned about that and the potential impact it will have on my marriage.


Au contraire:


Jamie Coates said:


> So... I feel a bit humiliated and pissed she is telling friends this.





Jamie Coates said:


> I just feel so angry with her,





Jamie Coates said:


> Slightly humiliated about those who know how she feels, but *mostly disappointed how she feels and that she hasn't told me.
> *



She tells you 347 days a year. Sex once every 3 weeks is her maintenance schedule.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Maybe, maybe not. You can either get certainty on that by acting or live with Damocles' sword over your head by not. The genie is out of the bottle.


I wouldn't upset the situation now that I know what I know... it will be pity sex, anyway. I wouldn't be happy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Possibly, but remember he's been snooping too... maybe his wife is just looking for an excuse. But we don't really know this.


This is kinda weak dude.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> This is kinda weak dude.


Would your wife be happy if you snooped without her consent?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You've made this all about you while her messages were all about her. She didn't denigrate you. All that her friends know is that *she *finds BJs boring and *she* doesn't like having sex in hotels. You're upset that she shared a little something about your private life with her friends. IMO, that's better than sharing it with *your* friends or your family.
> 
> We had a male poster here who shared every sexual thing he did with his wife with his twin brother. And, you know what? Some guys thought that was perfectly ok because they were twins. That was a big WTH?
> 
> ...


Hmm. I consider telling her group (not singular even), outside of our marriage that she is going to "get it over with" because she doesn't like it and "gets bored giving me bj's" to be denigrating.

OP might not have felt as wronged, obviously, if she had been telling her friends she looked forward to it and loved doing bj's for him but that would be doubtful given she keeps sex locked up like precious metals.

I wouldn't stand for a nearly sexless marriage to begin with and I would make sure this nonsense would get straightened out immediately.

Life is too short and time too precious to spend with someone who doesn't like it with you and thinks it's fine to spread that information around.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Would your wife be happy if you snooped without her consent?


Cheaters get mad, too, when their spouse finds out because they "snooped". If you are married you really shouldn't be communicating with others in ways that would threaten your marriage if seen by your spouse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Would your wife be happy if you snooped without her consent?


My wife would be having the worst day of her life and be a little too busy backpedaling and trying to save her marriage or just signing the damn papers I had drawn up so she could go have a good time complaining to her friends about something else and I could find a grown up that doesn't mess around when it's time to get laid and can keep it between us especially if it's important as this is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Cheaters get mad, too, when their spouse finds out because they "snooped". If you are married you really shouldn't be communicating with others in ways that would threaten your marriage if seen by your spouse.


So, two wrongs make it right...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> My wife would be having the worst day of her life and be a little too busy backpedaling and trying to save her marriage or just signing the damn papers I had drawn up so she could go have a good time complaining to her friends about something else and I could find a grown up that doesn't mess around when it's time to get laid and can keep it between us especially if it's important as this is.


I'm glad I'm not married to you...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I'm glad I'm not married to you...


Your not even really married to who your married to anyway...😉


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> So, two wrongs make it right...


Who said it was wrong? Not me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I'm glad I'm not married to you...


You weren't talking to me, but, I've noticed you put down proactive behavior a lot, and defend enabling (codependent, as in the true meaning of that word) behaviors.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Your not even really married to who your married to anyway...😉


No, I'm not, luckily.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You weren't talking to me, but, I've noticed you put down proactive behavior a lot, and defend enabling (codependent, as in the true meaning of that word) behaviors.


We have different personalities. Yes, I do put up with things a lot, and yes I've been enabling, but I would not put up with a sexless marriage. Even for me, there is a limit. BTW, I would go mad if someone snooped on me. For some other people, this is ok... it's not for me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> We have different personalities. Yes, I do put up with things a lot, and yes I've been enabling, but I would not put up with a sexless marriage. Even for me, there is a limit. BTW, I would go mad if someone snooped on me. For some other people, this is ok... it's not for me.


Yeah okay. So if you were cheating and your wife "snooped" and discovered it you'd "go mad"? Wtf.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> No, I'm not, luckily.


But I am definitely, 100%, married to my wife and she loves it.

Just because I have no appetite for bull **** doesn't make me unattractive as a mate.

I'm really not sure why you made that statement that could be taken as a slight though obviously with a touch of jest.

When you asked if I thought my wife would be "happy" I snooped, I was kind of amazed at your thought process.

I'm not going to be overly worried about her happiness when I don't even want to be married to her.

Having a nearly sexless marriage is bad enough without her disparaging her husband to her friends.

She would be pulling a miracle out of her butt to try and fix her mess or we would be done.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yeah okay. So if you were cheating and your wife "snooped" and discovered it you'd "go mad"? Wtf.


Yes, I would go mad, confess and leave the marriage. Good enough?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> But I am definitely, 100%, married to my wife and she loves it.
> 
> 
> I'm not going to be overly worried about her happiness when I don't even want to be married to her.
> ...


I think we are talking about two different situations. The OP is obviously trying to keep his marriage going. And I was referring to that too. Not to cheating or anything else. If I suspected my wife was cheating, I would snoop. Still, if someone did that to me (the snooping), I would be mad, but given the circumstances, I would confess and leave the marriage. I would still be mad that someone snooped on me, though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I think we are talking about two different situations. The OP is obviously trying to keep his marriage going. And I was referring to that too. Not to cheating or anything else. If I suspected my wife was cheating, I would snoop. Still, if someone did that to me (the snooping), I would be mad, but given the circumstances, I would confess and leave the marriage. I would still be mad that someone snooped on me, though.


I'm advising him to not keep this sham going.

I'm advising him to confront and resolve one way or another.

There are probably other issues but she has killed this marriage by helping to make their sex life suck and then denigrating her husband to her friends about it.

I wouldn't be overly concerned about her anger at getting snooped when she is about as attractive as a hemorrhoid to be married to in the first place.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I don't know if I'd tell her about reading the texts yet.

Take the information, keep it in your back pocket a while.

And right away use the info.
Take the opportunity to clearly tell her you want her to orchestrate the next sexual encounter so it brings her exactly what she'd like, what she'd look back on as a great, satisfying encounter. 

Don't be a non participant but tell her, before time, that you feel things have gotten a bit stale and you want to do all her desires, kinks, etc so you can stretch things a bit. Put it on her a while. Be enthusiastic. 

See what happens.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't know if I'd tell her about reading the texts yet.
> 
> Take the information, keep it in your back pocket a while.
> 
> ...


I like this advise...Put the ball in her court. See what happens.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't know if I'd tell her about reading the texts yet.
> 
> Take the information, keep it in your back pocket a while.
> 
> ...


I predict absolutely nothing. Been there and done that. I'd say OP would just be delaying the inevitable confrontation by doing that. This isn't a test.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jamie Coates said:


> ...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.
> 
> Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's.
> 
> ...


I think that is highy disrespectful for her to talk about your sex life with others like that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I predict absolutely nothing. Been there and done that. I'd say OP would just be delaying the inevitable confrontation by doing that. This isn't a test.


You may have, he likely hasn't.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You may have, he likely hasn't.


But it is just setting up a test. One she will most likely fail. What is the purpose of it? OP already knows how his wife feels about sex with him, he doesn't need further proof when she stalls, backs out or just refuses to engage with his suggestion.

He needs to get this issue front and center in the marriage and either find a way to work together on it or recognise it as a hole under the waterline of their marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't know if I'd tell her about reading the texts yet.
> 
> Take the information, keep it in your back pocket a while.
> 
> ...


This is a good suggestion. The results will be good knowledge to have.

I would probably bet everyone here though a million dollars that she will not rise to the occasion and will just say "there isn't anything else she wants to do and she's happy with things the way they are." Betcha.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I would probably bet everyone here though a million dollars that she will not rise to the occasion and will just say "there isn't anything else she wants to do and she's happy with things the way they are." Betcha.


That is why I think it is a waste of time to be honest.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> But it is just setting up a test. One she will most likely fail. What is the purpose of it? OP already knows how his wife feels about sex with him, he doesn't need further proof when she stalls, backs out or just refuses to engage with his suggestion.
> 
> He needs to get this issue front and center in the marriage and either find a way to work together on it or recognise it as a hole under the waterline of their marriage.


There's already a hole. That's not in question. 

Now's a good time to see if the hole can be plugged or abandon ship immediately. 

Before creating the added problem of her having a reason in her mind to be mad about him reading her texts, goose the whole thing before taking that plunge.

Not revealing all one knows is at times more practical.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> That is why I think it is a waste of time to be honest.


I disagree. I think a test is exactly what he needs. A pop quiz to be exact. No heads up. No time for her to prepare. Let’s see exactly how she behaves and he will have his answer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> Let’s see exactly how she behaves and he will have his answer.


He has the answer already? She doesn't want sex and he is getting it 3 times/month, if he is lucky. I bet she is going to get upset and he will get no sex at all, which is better than pity sex... whatever he does, he's screwed...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> He has the answer already? She doesn't want sex and he is getting it 3 times/month, if he is lucky. I bet she is going to get upset and he will get no sex at all, which is better than pity sex... whatever he does, he's screwed...


He is actually getting it at only slightly more than once a month, about 17 times a year.....😱


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Would your wife be happy if you snooped without her consent?


Personally, I wouldn't give a shyt. I tend to think op snooped out of a deep underlying feeling of something not being right with the marriage. I fail to see how it was a fleeting moment.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> He is actually getting it at only slightly more than once a month, about 17 times a year.....😱


You are right... it's even worse!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> So, two wrongs make it right...


One wrong certainly doesn't.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do not tell her you read her messages. This is your only source of her true thoughts. 

Take no more bj's from her. If she attempts one, tell her you no longer enjoy them. 

THAT will set her to thinking.

Ask her what type of foreplay she likes, what positions.

I think she has some resentment with you over something. 

BJ's are 'freely' given to men only when deep love is felt. Yes, also when that deep lust and passion is experienced, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Later, it is that true loving feeling that continues, the ladies 'willingly' giving them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Do not tell her you read her messages. This is your only source of her true thoughts.
> 
> Take no more bj's from her. If she attempts one, tell her you no longer enjoy them.
> 
> ...


OR she just isn't attracted at all to him anymore. It doesn't need to be resentment. Just not attracted. I could "truly love" someone but if it was more platonic kind of love, no way am I going to want to have oral sex with him.


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## 348731 (Mar 17, 2021)

I have a close friend who would confide in me that she didn't enjoy sex with her husband, that she was never in the mood, that she never reached orgasm, and that she felt like she was "asexual." She thought this for years. Her husband also thought their marriage was fine. Long story short, she got divorced and met someone new who she has a lot of sex with and loves it. 

Could there be something wrong in your marriage that maybe you're not aware of? Maybe your wife is not happy and you don't even realize it? I know personally that when I'm happy I have a lot of sex with my husband, but when I feel unhappy I only do it out of obligation.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

I kinda feel that all the good advice here...is maybe misdirected. Consider this an alternate take...

Your wife gave you a gift. A raw unvarnished view into how she really views things. I'm sure it stings of course but that honesty is invaluable in and of itself and can save a ton of time in peeling the onion back to get to the bottom of your lackluster sex life. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you btw, but it definitely means she isn't currently attracted to you and likely doesn't enjoy the style and kind of sex you've been having. Anger on your side is perhaps understandable but misguided. If you want to save things you need be compassionate and look inward. You can only control what you control...

I think people confuse love with attraction. Women especially feel that pressure and vested interest to deny loss of attraction that can occur over a long marriage. After all sex is just one part of a relationship even if it's really critical. So it's easy to compartmentalize, to become a chore...it becomes 'low sex drive' or 'something is wrong with me' when it's hard to admit that truth. You can promise to be faithful, you can promise to try to love but you cannot promise raw attraction. It's both sides responsibility to do what they can to maintain that.

So now you know. What are you going to do about it? I'd advise against 'communication' on this one as you can't negotiate attraction and putting it out there will make her feel pressure (like her pressure to perform, BJ's, her orgasms). What you can do is take a real good honest look at yourself. Whether you stay with her or choose to move on you're going to want to really be the best version of you for that next phase.

Best of luck...hang in there...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> OR she just isn't attracted at all to him anymore. It doesn't need to be resentment. Just not attracted. I could "truly love" someone but if it was more platonic kind of love, no way am I going to want to have oral sex with him.


OK, your take added to mine.

You did confirm my point, such that, many ladies consider bj's as special treatment given to special fella's!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> OK, your take added to mine.
> 
> You did confirm my point, such that, many ladies consider bj's as special treatment given to special fella's!


Um, to the ones they are attracted to... in some cases it might not even be someone a woman is in a relationship with, but just really attracted to.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Confronting your wife about what she’s telling her friends will only give her something to deflect the issue. So it’s better to use that info to change things on your end. 

You backed off on initiating sex and put her in the driver’s seat. While women don’t want a controlling jerk, they do want a confident, loving man who leads the sexual encounters most of the time. Passivity is a big turnoff to them. 

How’s your appearance compared to when your sex life was better? If you’ve let yourself go, that will lower her desire for you too. I recommend you work on being a better version of yourself and also start to find ways to initiate. Even if she shuts it down, continue to show that you desire her. 

I guarantee that as you work on your mojo, she will come around. If after a few months of self improvement, she hasn’t changed, your confidence will be at the point that accepting sexual scraps from her will no longer keep you in place.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> I have a close friend who would confide in me that she didn't enjoy sex with her husband, that she was never in the mood, that she never reached orgasm, and that she felt like she was "asexual." She thought this for years. Her husband also thought their marriage was fine. Long story short, she got divorced and met someone new who she has a lot of sex with and loves it.
> 
> Could there be something wrong in your marriage that maybe you're not aware of? Maybe your wife is not happy and you don't even realize it? I know personally that when I'm happy I have a lot of sex with my husband, but when I feel unhappy I only do it out of obligation.


I think this is it...and probably pretty common. It's really easy to lie to ourselves or distort our real feelings. It's really hard to admit when we're not attracted because we HAVE to be attracted to our spouse who we love...they deserve that. But the body knows what that mind might not be able to handle...


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## 348731 (Mar 17, 2021)

BigDigg said:


> I think this is it...and probably pretty common. It's really easy to lie to ourselves or distort our real feelings. It's really hard to admit when we're not attracted because we HAVE to be attracted to our spouse who we love...they deserve that. But the body knows what that mind might not be able to handle...


Precisely. I think there has to be something seriously wrong with a relationship when one or both people are not wanting to have sex. It's a big red flag that something's not right in my opinion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's a good chance that if you stopped wanting her to do BJ's as often, that the frequency of sex might pick up a little. If someone is tired of performing something that they have become bored with or feels a little like a duty or chore, sometimes the easiest thing is to just avoid sex. you might just take it out of the equation for a month and see what happens.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's a good chance that if you stopped wanting her to do BJ's as often, that the frequency of sex might pick up a little. If someone is tired of performing something that they have become bored with or feels a little like a duty or chore, sometimes the easiest thing is to just avoid sex. you might just take it out of the equation for a month and see what happens.


With all due respect he is getting laid about once every three weeks. Even if she gave him a BJ every time which I highly doubt that is less than 18 a year. How is that even a sex life?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's possible she's avoiding sex because of the BJ's and that he could have more regular sex if she stopped thinking he expected them. I say it's worth a try to see if it got the number up any. If not it's reversible.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's possible she's avoiding sex because of the BJ's and that he could have more regular sex if she stopped thinking he expected them. I say it's worth a try to see if it got the number up any. If not it's reversible.


Fair enough.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Also, I mean, sounds like overall a good relationship, so may not apply here, but I sometimes think women are more willing to do a BJ or something else if it's left up to them rather than kind of expected.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


Ok. This maybe TMI but I thought oral sex was foreplay and outside of a random quicky it was always expected.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


Mrs. C gets it even on the few occasions when she just wants a good seeing to.

There has only been a couple times, after our first week of hysterical bonding, that I haven't.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


Nothing wrong with that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Nothing wrong with that.


I was responding to someone who suggested that _if_ OP is getting oral once every three weeks it's too much.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I was responding to someone who suggested that _if_ OP is getting oral once every three weeks it's too much.


I'm just being cheeky


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

As some posters have suggested there are deeper issues here.

It's not about the sex, she's not happy with YOU. The lack of sex and complaining is only a symptom.

The drinking could be a huge issue I notice the Op has chosen not to address this in his posts, I'm curious if the drinking is regular and a problem.

But that could just be the tip of the proverbial iceberg.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. doing dishes and other chores needs getting done but do nothing to make your wife hot for you.😉


Conan is spot on!!

I think this is the all-too-oftern narrative. That is your wife would Fu$% you more IF ONLY you would engage in more domestic duties. Clearly both parties should be pitching in. Don't fall into the trap of earning BJ or sex point by doing dishes.

I think that you backing off initiating demonstrates weakness on your part. 

The jury is still out for me about coming clean and telling her about the texts and I am not sure about spouces "rights" to privacy or not. 

I WOULD recommend for you to edit your response as to update others on the questions that have been posted. I am not inclined as other may, to read pages or response to figure out things like:

Relative frequency
BJS stand alone or substitute for POV
Do you think it is boring because you take along time etc.
Is your drinking too much a common thing.
Can you decipher if she is "me TOOING" with her girlfriends who might be miserable and she may be trying to make them feel better. 

Answering these may give others better insight.

PS consider the material on doing a 180 no more mr nice guy etc.


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## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

I would start with asking your wife if she feels there is something wrong with your sex life. I would maybe say that I have a feeling she isn’t as happy as she used to be. I wouldn’t mention I read her texts. To me, it’s disgraceful and it would hurt me if I wouldn’t have privacy or trust from my spouse. 
From woman perspective she didn’t even say anything wrong. She just don’t feel like it lately. She didn’t say you suck at it, she didn’t comment on your sexual skills or size of your penis. So what exactly is so offensive?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sexual expression in all its forms is the result of, not a path to healthy respect and admiration - a relationship where people honor and cherish one another. When a relationship with those qualities hits the bed, sexual intimacy is immersive and the whole of the world should go away for a while. 

Both spouses should expect their partners to indulge their healthy, physical desires completely. Yes, completely. You don’t get to negotiate that after the contract is signed. That’s what two people do who have found each other and commit fully to each other in a world of billions of possible choices. It’s rare and should be treated that way and nurtured. Yes, it’s hard work.

You can reduce that to whining about bl*w jobs and texting that out to your friends, or you can have a candid, honest conversation with your spouse about where things have gone wrong that result in a breakdown of true sexual expression and where things need to go to get that back. Not only is the OP’s wife degrading him, her behavior isn’t even helpful in solving her own issues that lead to her lack of interest in him sexually. 

And, I’ll toss this out there, infrequency is worse than abandonment, it’s akin to stringing your partner along and creating an environment where they accept less and less, where they are the only ones who compromise, where they have to guess and address a problem their spouse isn’t willing to bring up. How f*cking miserable.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Chill bro, she's probably just doing some wifey bragging "she gets so much sex it's boring"... lol. 

Makes her girlfriends jealous because their hubbies are all porn addicted fools that won't touch them.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> Here's my two cents which may or may not relate to you. Sometimes women feel pressure to "perform" to make a partner, who uses sex as a source for validation, happy. It almost always backfires because most people cannot keep up the pretense. Instead of addressing the gorilla in the room, they start avoiding sex all together. If any of this rings a bell with you then i encourage you to stop using your wife's orgasms to validate your masculinity. Enjoy sex because it's a bonding experience but work on disassociating her orgasms to your pleasure. Let her enjoy sex at her pace without pressure to perform for your behalf.


I agree with that! My wife will straight up tell me, "well let me get this over with so you will leave me alone for the weekend!" A long time ago that would have destroyed my ego, but now I know to put myself in the mindset that my wife does not want to be pleasured or aroused. She is however willing to please me because I have an urge and she will do so in a loving way. 

When my wife is on the mood for me to focus on her, she will let me know! I do enjoy that much more, but I have grown to appreciate her being honest with me. Nothing is worse that trying and trying when one person knows that it is just not going to happen. It is much better to be open and honest about it so that you can both focus all the attention where it is actually wanted and appreciated.

When my wife focuses just on me, I always make it a point to return the favor in other ways that help make her day more enjoyable and I do so in a loving way. An example might include quietly restocking the Nutella and putting a note on the lid that what is inside that jar is no where as near as yummy as she is to me! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

CatholicDad said:


> Chill bro, she's probably just doing some wifey bragging "she gets so much sex it's boring"... lol.
> 
> Makes her girlfriends jealous because their hubbies are all porn addicted fools that won't touch them.


I could not quote but wanted the OP to see this. There is any chance catholic dad may be correct or onto something.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

think positive said:


> I could not quote but wanted the OP to see this. There is any chance catholic dad may be correct or onto something.


At once every three weeks I doubt it.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Now there are a few ways of looking at this, and a few ways to approach it.

We know that she is bored with sex, doesn't want to do it, and has put her husband on a maintenance schedule. We know that she lacks attraction for him.

Now the OP needs to do the following before anything else:

1. Evaluate his physical fitness and appearance. Did he gain a lot of weight? Is he dressing well and taking care of himself?
2. Evaluate his bedroom skills --which many here have already commented on. No excuse for being boring in bed.

but despite these things, we still have the primary issue.

The OP needs to stop being Mr. Nice Guy right now. If he isn't in good shape, he needs to hit the gym and buy himself some nice new clothes.

then like others recommended here:

NO more date nights
NO more maintenance sex 
NO more slaving around the house and doing shi* for her

the OP has a hall pass to pen thing up and good meet other women. Doesn't mean he needs to have an affair, but if the wife doesn't want sex and affection, he has every right to look for something else.

NO more curfew: the OP goes out and stays out as long as we wants

3 dating apps get put on his phone, and his phone gets locked. 

after 6 months of doing his own thing, we can see where things go with his wife. But I would be on strike from this moment on if I were him


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kathy07 said:


> I would start with asking your wife if she feels there is something wrong with your sex life. I would maybe say that I have a feeling she isn’t as happy as she used to be. I wouldn’t mention I read her texts. To me, it’s disgraceful and it would hurt me if I wouldn’t have privacy or trust from my spouse.
> From woman perspective she didn’t even say anything wrong. She just don’t feel like it lately. She didn’t say you suck at it, she didn’t comment on your sexual skills or size of your penis. So what exactly is so offensive?


She shared intimate things with her GF's. 

If your SO said to his guy friends that he did not enjoy getting blow jobs from YOU, you would likely be devastated. And, no more would ever be given.

Such activities are highly personal. 

Imagine, your being around his friends, knowing that they heard these intimate thoughts from your SO?

Your bj's suck.

Oops, uh, they don't rate high!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

think positive said:


> I could not quote but wanted the OP to see this. There is any chance catholic dad may be correct or onto something.


Saying she wants to get it over with because she doesn't like it somehow invalidates that strange belief.

Also having sex 17 times a year.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Just to play devil's advocate, there is another thing to consider. Maybe it is not that she is bored with sex in general just bored with sex with HIM?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, there is another thing to consider. Maybe it is not that she is bored with sex in general just bored with sex with HIM?


To the OP it is a pointless distinction as they are fundamentally the same thing. My view is that true asexuality is generally fairly rare and aside from medical or hormonal issues most low libido issues are low libido for the partner.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> You backed off on initiating sex and put her in the driver’s seat. While women don’t want a controlling jerk, they do want a confident, loving man who leads the sexual encounters most of the time. Passivity is a big turnoff to them.


LISTEN TO THIS. Earlier in my marriage, out of ignorance, wiling to try anything, I did this. This made an already frustrating experience even worse. I mistakenly reasoned that giving all responsibility to her to initiate would take all the pressure off since she would then only initiate when she wanted to. From my perspective, I thought it’d be a win because since I’m always game, then when she came to me, she would be as well and everyone’s happy. In reality, she felt a (self-imposed) pressure to initiate BECAUSE it was now her responsibility, and if we were not having sex, it was crystal clear why. I also 100% agree, and NOW know, that the vast majority of women view sexually passive men with indifference at best, disdain at worst. It sucks, but I just had to get over the fact that my wife will never have “spontaneous desire” and initiate with gusto out of her own will. Even men like to be desired, but there comes a time when one has to make a choice with what you have or leave.



ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> I think there has to be something seriously wrong with a relationship when one or both people are not wanting to have sex. It's a big red flag that something's not right in my opinion.


Truth. Also not surprising given that you’ve handed all initiation over to her. BTDT. Big mistake. I suggest you read ”Married Man Sex Primer”. Initiate often but here’s the key: don’t show any hurt to her when rejected. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you need to not show it. Simply say “well that’s a shame but ok!” with a smile and then go an do something else, like START LIFTING WEIGHTS. Up your game. Upgrade your haircut, wardrobe, everything. Increasingly do things on your own and only after plans have been set, only then invite her to come along if she wants to. Or not. Stop going out of your way to do kind things for her. Don’t be a ****, but get her the hell off any pedestal you may have put her on. If she eventually asks why, you can honestly say “You sure seem to want independance so I’m giving it to you. I’m moving forward with my life, and I hope you’ll join me in a fulfilling marriage, including sexually, but if not, that’s fine, and we’ll start the process of separating.”

It’s time to act. Get in the driver’s seat here. Most women will respond positively. If not, move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, if she's unhappy with sex for a long time, and nothing's working, try a strategy you haven't tried yet.

Next sexual encounter ensure it's all about you, and have no qualms about not being as "nice" as you normally are.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be a 5 minute get yours, bye, I'm saying the opposite. 

Make sure she Os, a few times over an hour or two, and treat her like a sex doll to meet any kink you desire. Not mean spirited but make it plain through your actions she's yours to use as you will.

NOT having her do BJ on you, but you do things to and with her. 

Plan it to be a long encounter, plan the intermission, toys, accessories as desired. You can ignore any nattering by her, be prepared to put her on verbal ignore mentally. By this I mean pay no attention to little complaints or any verbal attempt by her to poke fun, because she'll likely make little negative comments seeing if it will cause you to self destruct or end the session. 

Stretch her mind, stretch her body. She's already complaining about sex, so what difference will it make? 

You do all the work, take full firm control. Use your imagination. Read books. Plan this encounter fully. 

Make sure she orgasms 2 to 4 times. It's not over till you finish, at the end, and within a few minutes of or during the final O you give her.

Just don't have a whole lot of the variations you two normally have. Different and in control are the key words.

Note, I'm not saying be mean, spiteful, or hateful, just don't worry a wit about what she thinks as you carry on.

Make sure you know she's knows you've thoroughly enjoyed her. She'll know it if you show it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Well, if she's unhappy with sex for a long time, and nothing's working, try a strategy you haven't tried yet.
> 
> Next sexual encounter ensure it's all about you, and have no qualms about not being as "nice" as you normally are.
> 
> ...


Isn't that like pouring racing fuel into a Pinto and expecting it to run like a Lambo?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Genie is out of the bottle here. You can try and dance around the fact that you know what you know or you can fess up that you snooped but what you saw suggests that your marriage is in crisis. Sometimes ripping off the bandages is the best way to quickly get clarity on the situation even if it means a difficult time in the short term.* I'd be asking her if there was any way back from this or not.*
> 
> My view is that you don't have sex with people who don't want to have it with you. Armed with the knowledge that she doesn't want to have sex with you, why would you take any pleasure from it? I wouldn't be initiating any sexual encounters until you have discussed this issue frankly and openly.


I think that ASKING her if there was any way “back” from this, is just illogical. He’s the injured party here. Now that he’s heard this, as bad as he hates it, he should just file for divorce. He won’t. Nobody wants to totally be alone, have their kids removed for half their life, pay their ex to screw other men (oh yeah that sex drive will be up big time after a divorce), and have to start over.
OP will eventually not be able to keep it quiet and he’ll “confront” her and then he will play the pick me dance and work even harder for bread crumbs she throws. He probably will sheepishly say “is there any way back from this?” Like he actually is believing that he is the distant one and not her. He will beg her to not be so cruel as to talk about their sexual life with her friends. She will talk to them about everything, because she has no respect for her husband. He will tell her “we” need to work on things, hoping some magic star will fall and she will want him in a romantic way again. She won’t. She will probably come up with some crap like “I’m tired of pretending I like sex with you. I’m gonna drop altogether. I’m not your sex slave”. And he will be cut off.

OP, if you can live with how things are, don’t mention what you saw. If you’re not willing to leave, then she will have no incentive to even attempt to placate you now that the cat is out of the bag. Or in the bag. Whatever.

You have been living like this for years. She hasn’t changed. She’s not going to. Bringing this up will only mess things up worse for you.

you might consider getting in great shape, dressing nicer, and starting ti put yourself in a position that you have enough confidence in yourself to get to the point that you aren’t willing to live with a woman that despises sex with you.

right now you’re screwed if you bring this up. What do you expect to gain by doing it? You’ll lose. Guaranteed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> I have a close friend who would confide in me that she didn't enjoy sex with her husband, that she was never in the mood, that she never reached orgasm, and that she felt like she was "asexual." She thought this for years. Her husband also thought their marriage was fine. Long story short, she got divorced and met someone new who she has a lot of sex with and loves it.
> 
> Could there be something wrong in your marriage that maybe you're not aware of? Maybe your wife is not happy and you don't even realize it? I know personally that when I'm happy I have a lot of sex with my husband, but when I feel unhappy I only do it out of obligation.


The domestic ways of women will always be foreign to men.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think that ASKING her if there was any way “back” from this, is just illogical. He’s the injured party here. Now that he’s heard this, as bad as he hates it, he should just file for divorce. He won’t. Nobody wants to totally be alone, have their kids removed for half their life, pay their ex to screw other men (oh yeah that sex drive will be up big time after a divorce), and have to start over.
> OP will eventually not be able to keep it quiet and he’ll “confront” her and then he will play the pick me dance and work even harder for bread crumbs she throws. He probably will sheepishly say “is there any way back from this?” Like he actually is believing that he is the distant one and not her. He will beg her to not be so cruel as to talk about their sexual life with her friends. She will talk to them about everything, because she has no respect for her husband. He will tell her “we” need to work on things, hoping some magic star will fall and she will want him in a romantic way again. She won’t. She will probably come up with some crap like “I’m tired of pretending I like sex with you. I’m gonna drop altogether. I’m not your sex slave”. And he will be cut off.
> 
> OP, if you can live with how things are, don’t mention what you saw. If you’re not willing to leave, then she will have no incentive to even attempt to placate you now that the cat is out of the bag. Or in the bag. Whatever.
> ...


This is absolutely right. You’ll gain nothing from confronting at this point. 

You just gained some important (though painful) insights into your wife’s attraction/desire for you. (The near-sexless state of your marriage was already a giant flashing sign - but whatever, now it’s validated).

You can’t negotiate respect or desire. But you can build / rebuild it. So focus on what you can control, YOU. Take advantage of this opportunity to recognize that your wife is not attracted to you, does not desire you, may or may not respect you - and focus on becoming a man she does respect and desire.
Important - You need to do this for YOU, to improve your situation (in or after your marriage). Do not do it to please her, that’s just a possible positive byproduct.

Be more attractive:
-If you’re out of shape (or even marginally in shape), start hitting the gym hard. Lift heavy things.
-You are responsible for being the leader in your marriage, that means setting the tone of your interactions and relationship. Tell your wife what you expect out of your relationship together and then start behaving as such. 
-Operate in your own frame and don’t take her too seriously. Be more flirty and charming and fun. Show confidence and leadership. 
-Initiate sexually. Do it regularly. **But do not complain, sulk or act butthurt when she turns you down. Just go do your own thing somewhere else (go to the gym, go do some work, hobby etc).

Be less unattractive:
Recognize it you’re acting whiny, needy, etc. and stop doing it. 
-If she gets pushy, bossy, *****y, overly critical, etc - don’t take her seriously. Don’t get sucked into arguments or defensiveness, be a bit dismissive, with a smile. (this doesn’t apply to actual, legitimate complaints/requests)
-see ** above 

Give it 6 months. Be consistent and you will be in a much better place. At that point, if things aren’t improving significantly in your bedroom, they probably never will. And you’ll have some decisions to make.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

badsanta said:


> I agree with that! My wife will straight up tell me, "well let me get this over with so you will leave me alone for the weekend!" A long time ago that would have destroyed my ego, but now I know to put myself in the mindset that my wife does not want to be pleasured or aroused. She is however willing to please me because I have an urge and she will do so in a loving way.
> 
> When my wife is on the mood for me to focus on her, she will let me know! I do enjoy that much more, but I have grown to appreciate her being honest with me. Nothing is worse that trying and trying when one person knows that it is just not going to happen. It is much better to be open and honest about it so that you can both focus all the attention where it is actually wanted and appreciated.
> 
> ...


I have never thought about this as you said your wife isn’t in the mood but she will do it for you. I agree I would be offended but I see how you are saying we shouldn’t be and that make a a lot of sense.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

As to the HOTEL sex, she views it as a chore. Lots of people think that a HOTEL is going to mean wild, monkey sex and put a lot of expectations on it. They look forward to not having little creatures with sticky hands and jam smeared faces barging into the bedroom and hopping into bed with them. She wants to 'get it over with' so she can relax & enjoy the rest of the time. I suspect it is the* expectation *that she perform that she resents.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Al_Bundy said:


> Isn't that like pouring racing fuel into a Pinto and expecting it to run like a Lambo?


It's like tie wrapping (jury rig) a turbo on a Maverick to see if it will take the added hot rodding before you spend the extra money to permanently install it along with racing cam, updated EFI package, suspension,.

Note, I did upgrade her from a Pinto to a Maverick. Who knows, maybe there's a Mustang in there somewhere. 
😂😂😂😂


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Would not all men desire having a communication device that spoke of a wife's innermost needs, fears and dislikes?

Her talking to this GF is such a means.

Too bad she does not extol his virtues, his loving skills.

Those warm lips, his knavely nibbling at her gate to Eden.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> As to the HOTEL sex, she views it as a chore. Lots of people think that a HOTEL is going to mean wild, monkey sex and put a lot of expectations on it. They look forward to not having little creatures with sticky hands and jam smeared faces barging into the bedroom and hopping into bed with them. She wants to 'get it over with' so she can relax & enjoy the rest of the time. I suspect it is the* expectation *that she perform that she resents.


I’ll have to say that in every relationship I’ve had, one lasting 18 years and three kids, they ALL looked forward to sex as much as I did. All women don’t view it as a “chore” and I wouldn’t stay with one that did. Especially now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ll have to say that in every relationship I’ve had, one lasting 18 years and three kids, they ALL looked forward to sex as much as I did. All women don’t view it as a “chore” and I wouldn’t stay with one that did. Especially now.


Bless you, my man.

The Maker gave women the opposite parts to men; with males having the knobby key, the ladies the smooth lubricated lock.

Lest no being go against theGood Nature of things.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ll have to say that in every relationship I’ve had, one lasting 18 years and three kids, they ALL looked forward to sex as much as I did. All women don’t view it as a “chore” and I wouldn’t stay with one that did. Especially now.


Did I say ALL women view it as a chore? No, I did not. I'm glad that ALL 2 women you have had relationships with looked forward to sex as much as you did. Of course, the one you had an 18 year relationship with also looked forward to sex with other men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Did I say ALL women view it as a chore? No, I did not. I'm glad that ALL 2 women you have had relationships with looked forward to sex as much as you did. Of course, the one you had an 18 year relationship with also looked forward to sex with other men.


Indeed
I didn’t say you said all. I’m just pointing out that OP’s wife clearly views it as a chore. I suspect a man that a woman views sex with as a chore, is just using him for friendship or security, or money..... I’m not into marrying a friend and don’t like to be used, so My vote is to send her on her way so she can find someone that doesn’t give her so many chores, and OP can find a woman that can’t wait to jump his bones when he gets home. They exist. They’re not even difficult to find. Hard to find a responsible, non-crazy one that does like sex though.😊


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


Woman here to say that there are times when I think women aren't into it and are just allowing their partner to give oral, and that's okay. Been there, done that. And in those instances, I didn't want to prolong it with my H trying to get me off so he didn't feel guilty or because that's what HE likes to do (and it is!). Sometimes it worked and he got the ego boast and satisfaction of knowing he made me orgasm. But if I wasn't in the mood for it to begin with, it always took longer and then I felt less inclined to spend the time on him. BTW, I always let him know either verbally or by just pulling him up when he started to go down when I wasn't interested. That was easier for me to do, admittedly, then letting him know I wasn't up for giving him a BJ. BJ's can be an issue if it's expected all the time or even most of the time. For some of us, it's uncomfortable. I have a small mouth (hard to believe, I know) and my jaw gets tight and painful after a while. My H loved for a BJ to last as long as possible. We weren't in sync there so I treated it as foreplay even when he wanted it to be the main course. I wish more men understood that it's not easy for some women to enjoy giving a BJ. Try keeping your jaw open for 10-15 minutes and see how it feels. 

OP, I would use this as an opportunity to have an honest discussion with her about her likes and dislikes, your likes and dislikes, etc. I would not tell her you snooped on her phone. I can bet she will view that as an invasion of her privacy, and it is. I know some on TAM will say that a spouses should always be able to look at each other's conversations with someone else, but I disagree. Confronting her about her phone messages will most likely make her defensive and resentful. I think the better way forward is to tell her you want to do MC so that you can both learn to communicate your needs better, especially as it relates to your sex life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> She tells you 347 days a year. Sex once every 3 weeks is her maintenance schedule.


This bears repeating. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you don't necessarily have to confront. Rather, you can begin to show her that you are not okay with the arrangement through your ACTIONS, just as she has with you.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Au contraire:
> 
> 
> 
> She tells you 347 days a year. Sex once every 3 weeks is her maintenance schedule.


Totally unacceptable to many, way to few and unacceptable participation on her part for my toleration.

Wow.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yet.. there are some women that expect oral _every single time_ there is a sexual encounter 🤔


And, some men who *happily* follow this expected moral, each time.

A good thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> OP, you don't necessarily have to confront. Rather, you can begin to show her that you are not okay with the arrangement through your ACTIONS, just as she has with you.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Yes!
Being careful not to be all pouty and passive-aggressive.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jamie Coates said:


> ...which I know I shouldn't have. I was drunk and too tempted.
> 
> Been together 16 years, and have kids. This issue aside life is good. I've always had a higher sex drive than her. I think over the years my desire for more than her has lessened her interest. When we do have sex it's great for both of us. I've consciously backed off over the past year and let her initiate always. She told me this was good and I thought it was going well. Then I saw messages to friends about not wanting to have sex when we went to a hotel recently, and that she usually does it on arrival to 'get it over with'. She told others she gets bored giving b-j's.
> 
> ...


Ok haven't slogged through the whole thread so if new info has come out I haven't read it.

As a wife. BJ's are very one sided. So what is going on. You say sex is great for both of you. Are we talking 69? What do you do to rev her engine up and make sure she orgasms? Sounds like she is unsatisfied and has given up sex because it isn't that great. She does it for you. She must love you if she is still initiating. 

And I understand you slowing down on initiating but really I doubt she wants to be the one to initiate all the time. this doesn't make her feel sexy and wanted.

I'm sure people advised you to talk about this with her. You could do that but if you and her are ones that don't communicate well about sex you could try stepping up your game. More / better foreplay / toys and such.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Indeed
> I didn’t say you said all. I’m just pointing out that OP’s wife clearly views it as a chore. I suspect a man that a woman views sex with as a chore, is just using him for friendship or security, or money..... I’m not into marrying a friend and don’t like to be used, so My vote is to send her on her way so she can find someone that doesn’t give her so many chores, and OP can find a woman that can’t wait to jump his bones when he gets home. They exist. They’re not even difficult to find. Hard to find a responsible, non-crazy one that does like sex though.😊


You were doing good until the last sentence.  Seriously, you need to get out of those woods and stop chasing racoons. Responsible, sane women who like sex don't go for '**** hunters.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> You were doing good until the last sentence.  Seriously, you need to get out of those woods and stop chasing racoons. Responsible, sane women who like sex don't go for '**** hunters.


I haven’t **** hunted in years but would rather have woods and lakes that a pestiferous woman. I’m used to being single now and may stay that way. I seriously feel like a responsible, normal, reasonably attractive lady —— apparently isn’t all that “normal”. They’re snatched up quick.😋


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jamie Coates said:


> Thanks. 100% no! I love giving, and tbh I'm more invested and satisfied when she comes over my own orgasm.


If this is the case and your wife knows this then it’s pretty f’d up. She is telling her friends what a poor lover you are when you do your best to fulfill her needs. Then on top of this you are doing most of the house work?? WTF

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

I would also find things to do away from the house and end the date nights.

If your wife can’t appreciate everything you do around the house. Then she complains to her friends about HAVING to have sex with you, this can’t be fixed. Sounds like she is over it. She is building the excuse to find someone else.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> My friend, that is not the expression of a healthy sexual relationship.
> I'm 60 this year and Mrs Maximus is 55, we're both healthy and we average 3-5 times a week.
> 
> If there are underlying issues, it's best to sit down with her and have a very honest discussion including telling her your expectations and hearing hers. It's much better to get things out in the open than it is to struggle in this environment. Life is short, you both have expectations (and it's ok to have them), it's not ok to ignore them. Currently it seems only hers are being met.


Right! I would have hit EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!
Why people tolerate this kind of treatment. Im 49 and wife 52 and we are at daily unless one is sick or injured....then we have AM catch up sessions before work, when resumed.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I haven’t **** hunted in years but would rather have woods and lakes that a pestiferous woman. I’m used to being single now and may stay that way. I seriously feel like a responsible, normal, reasonably attractive lady —— apparently isn’t all that “normal”. They’re snatched up quick.😋


Depend on if she likes ****. I cook a mean ****, thow in some carrots and sweet taters. Grandpa taught me when i was a kid.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Where's Waldo?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> He has the answer already? She doesn't want sex and he is getting it 3 times/month, if he is lucky. I bet she is going to get upset and he will get no sex at all, which is better than pity sex... whatever he does, he's screwed...


He would probably like 3x month. He said 1x every 3 weeks.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

think positive said:


> I could not quote but wanted the OP to see this. There is any chance catholic dad may be correct or onto something.


1x every 3 weeks??.....NOT!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Where's Waldo?


Probably couldn't stand it, confronted, and got sweet talked.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

ABHale said:


> If this is the case and your wife knows this then it’s pretty f’d up. She is telling her friends what a poor lover you are when you do your best to fulfill her needs. Then on top of this you are doing most of the house work?? WTF
> 
> Read No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> ...



100% agree. After you read NMMNG, read The Rational Male.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Check out my book: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*


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