# Dating after divorce and abuse.



## Numb in Ohio

My divorce was Feb. 22nd. I am happy to be out of his control, lying, cheating, abusive ways. 

So,, I am talking to and sorta seeing someone else, who is also just out of a marriage (she gave the ILYBINILWY speech). 

We have kept it slow, just more so as friends to get to know each other... but about a month ago, it turned sexual. Which we can have dinner at his place, watch a movie and I will go home, we don't have sex every time we're together. 

We get along great, until I have a "bad day"... I get triggers, and I fight anxiety a big part of the day from my ex's Narc abuse.. I maybe have 1 or 2 bad days a month, which I didn't think was too severe.??

And when I have my "moods",, my new friend shuts down and shuts me out. He won't talk to me like he used to before we got "involved". He will say he feels bad about what my ex put me through, but says I "let" him get in my head (for no reason)... and I am the only one who can control that. 

He is a very sweet attentive man,, while things are going good. But I worry he won't be supportive of me in the long run as I will have bad days, and triggers for a long time. 

Should I just work through my bad days on my own, and just not contact him about it, since we are not committed? Or should I try to talk to him hoping he will understand what I go through? 
Or, is this a red flag that he is not interested in really getting to know me, the good and bad?

I know it is also a little "soon" for me to be dating after an abusive relationship.. I am not looking for someone to make me happy. I have to do that myself. I just enjoy his company and talking.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I was married to an abusive guy(he's not a man). He had done some pretty bad things that I like to block out of my memories. He also is a serial cheater as well. Leaving him was quite easy, but he did stalk me for over a year after our divorce. This was even with another woman moving in 3 days after I packed my bags, the baby and left.

I dated once my divorce was final. Being in that relationship really opened up my eyes to watch for the "red flags" of an abuser and a cheater. I raised my standards and I did not settle for less.

I did remarry. I've been married 13 years this year and we been together 14 years. We married 1 year after meeting. My husband was all I hoped for and then more. His support for me is phenomenal. My husband is one of the most gentle, kindest and honest man I've ever known.

Don't give up hope. There are some really great men out there. It was about 5 years after my divorced when I remarried.

Don't put a timeline on things. Work on yourself and make a list of what qualities you want your future husband to have. If any man your dating shows any red flags, dump him! Good luck.


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## WomanScorned

I think your new guy really doesn't get it. He may be shutting down because he doesn't fully understand the trauma that abuse can cause. I think you should work on it by yourself for now and give him some space to process. If he really cares about you, he will make the effort to connect with you about it, but it might take some time. You do need to focus on you and what you need to do to heal. Why do you contact him when you have a bad day? What are you looking for from him? If you can figure that out, maybe you can tell him what you would like him to do to help you. Be specific with your request, it probably isn't enough feedback to say 'I would like you to be there for me'. Do you want him to listen? To offer sympathy? If he cares about you, he will make an effort. If not, you have some hard decisions to make.


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## Numb in Ohio

Thank you for the responses. In the questions WomanScorned asked, I think when I tell him I am having a bad day, sometimes he contacts me, not knowing my mood at the time, I am just looking for friends to let me know I can get through it. I turn to friends on those days, so as to not be just at home alone, by myself stewing on it. They tell me my positives, and my ex's negatives, so I do not back step... Sometimes, I am just looking for someone to listen to me. I find it helps airing it out, as I usually find my own strength after repeating it.. 

I need to start journaling more,, if I write out my feelings as soon as I feel them start, maybe that will help me get through it quicker, and on my own, without having to dump things on my friends all the time.

I guess, the biggest reason, is I didn't have friends before, and the only one I discussed my feelings to was my ex, which in turn persuaded me to feel as he wanted me to feel. It's like a kid with a new toy,,, I enjoy doing different things with different friends, as they all have their own ways. I just like knowing I have people who truly care about me, and are in my corner. And if he can't be in my corner when I'm in overload... then I have to cut him loose. 

I have told EVERYONE , that I have made my standard, that I deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal, and I will not settle for less.

My new male friend is very funny and likes me to make decisions.. BIG step for me. He actually had me pick a movie we watched,, and he watched the one I picked.!!! Sounds little to some people, but I was nervous as heck making that decision, and my choice was respected. So he pushes me, and maybe I need to stay on that track..

I am struggling right now with keeping myself from using the "victim" mode, when someone isn't attentive to me. >> See, I think I just solved one of my own problems now.  will talk to him sometime and will update. Thanks


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## Pbartender

Numb in Ohio said:


> My new male friend is very funny and likes me to make decisions.. BIG step for me. He actually had me pick a movie we watched,, and he watched the one I picked.!!! Sounds little to some people, but I was nervous as heck making that decision, and my choice was respected. So he pushes me, and maybe I need to stay on that track.


:smthumbup:

_"Practice yourself, for heaven's sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater."_ -* Epictetus*

_"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."_ *- Martin Luther King Jr.*


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

He probably has his own triggers. "Relationship therapy" or asking someone to engage in it, is unfair to ask for from someone who clearly doesn't want to be involved in it. I would imagine that thinking about your intimate partner being with someone else is not high up on the list of what a guy wants in his head with a new relationship! If you are not already in IC, think about it. That would be a better venue for dealing with the bad days and the triggers. 

Probably because he knows your history so well, it sounds as though he is going to use it to pigeonhole you when you have a bad day. It will almost never be about something that's going on between the two of you (as it should be) and almost always about how you are somehow messed up from your abusive past (whether or not that is the case.) Even though we would like our partners to be fully supportive knowing emotional warts and all, disclosing too much doesn't do you or the relationship any favors. Yep, I'm talking about healthy interpersonal boundaries. But they are for your own good. Having a 'healing' relationship is not really good for anyone. Except when it is your relationship with yourself.


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## Stretch

Numb,

If I have something to get off my chest I say it to my GF and she might respond she might not. We will have to see over time if the no response becomes problematic for our relationship.

Takin it one day at a time,
Stretch


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## 3Xnocharm

I think your triggers are triggering HIM, honestly... he doesnt sound ready for anything serious yet. If you are looking for a supportive, committed relationship, you are probably going to have to find that with someone else.


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## Nsweet

Oh no, no, no, you don't want to end up making your love interest your therapist. He may a great guy, the one for you, the one you eventually marry.... But I guarantee he will lose every bit of attraction for you if he thinks he has to be your emotional support and see you through these hard times. That's why's he's pulling away from you and that's what he's terrified of. That's a good thing too! If he's smart he knows solving your problems won't help your relationship.

If he was looking for a damsel in distress he would not be attracted to you when you eventually overcame your problems. And because he pulled away from you when you were emotionally needy, that goes to show you he's not looking not looking for a drama queen to fight with. I know that sounds harsh, but I can tell you from experience myself that your date is testing you for compatibility with you as much as you are with him. Don't give him any excuses to write you off so soon. 

You see what he's probably scared of with you is that you'll make him a rebound after he's given you his heart and soul to make you feel better. And that is a very reasonable fear for these nice guys out there. You've been treated like crap and you're hurting, I completely understand! But it's just not fair to him or anyone else to be expected to be your go to for support, because that's not a healthy basis for a relationship. It's one thing to show support and sympathize. It's another thing completely to be expected to do this day after day when you're depressed. 

If you still get triggers then by all means feel free to express yourself, just not around him. At least not for the first year or two. Write in your journal, tell us on TAM, talk to a therapist, buy a guitar or a drum set, just keep from unleashing everything on him if you can. Keep working on yourself too. You still want to keep your hobbies away from your relationship so you don't put everything on him to make you happy. These hobbies are also going to make you interesting to talk to when you have nothing else to say. You run out of the "about me" in the first few weeks, minus a few selective secrets, but you could always say you learned something new today. 

Other than that, you've got the right idea taking it slow and learning about him, before you over fantasize this relationship with copious amounts of hot sex. There will be time to be romantic later on, what you're doing now is setting up the foundation for a very loving and very stable relationship with something to base it on once you're no longer "passionately in love" but more "comfortably friend in love". I don't date yet myself, but I've been told after coming from an abusive relationship that next healthy one seems uncomfortable and icky. You're just going to have to take it day by day until that uncomfortable feeling goes away and you're left with a relationship you actually enjoy for one. Just imagine, you won't be with a controlling. lying, cheating, manipulator.... You'll be with someone who wants to make you happy and doesn't want to hurt you if he can help it.


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## lifeistooshort

Maybe you're just not ready to move on yet and your guy senses that. It's what I would think if someone still got upset over something their ex did. Take a little more time for you so you can really move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife

Have fun and date. You need to work on finding your identity and where you want to go! It's an exciting yet scary time in your life but you have freedom! 

No rush on finding a mate. Use your counselor or your friends for the bad days...for now. He's not your mate and doesn't need to know the details for now. But if he is one to avoid conflict or difficult things....consider it a yellow flag.


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## zillard

Nsweet said:


> Oh no, no, no, you don't want to end up making your love interest your therapist. He may a great guy, the one for you, the one you eventually marry.... But I guarantee he will lose every bit of attraction for you if he thinks he has to be your emotional support and see you through these hard times. That's why's he's pulling away from you and that's what he's terrified of. That's a good thing too! If he's smart he knows solving your problems won't help your relationship.
> 
> If he was looking for a damsel in distress he would not be attracted to you when you eventually overcame your problems. And because he pulled away from you when you were emotionally needy, that goes to show you he's not looking not looking for a drama queen to fight with. I know that sounds harsh, but I can tell you from experience myself that your date is testing you for compatibility with you as much as you are with him. Don't give him any excuses to write you off so soon.
> 
> You see what he's probably scared of with you is that you'll make him a rebound after he's given you his heart and soul to make you feel better. And that is a very reasonable fear for these nice guys out there. You've been treated like crap and you're hurting, I completely understand! But it's just not fair to him or anyone else to be expected to be your go to for support, because that's not a healthy basis for a relationship. It's one thing to show support and sympathize. It's another thing completely to be expected to do this day after day when you're depressed.
> 
> If you still get triggers then by all means feel free to express yourself, just not around him. At least not for the first year or two. Write in your journal, tell us on TAM, talk to a therapist, buy a guitar or a drum set, just keep from unleashing everything on him if you can. Keep working on yourself too. You still want to keep your hobbies away from your relationship so you don't put everything on him to make you happy. These hobbies are also going to make you interesting to talk to when you have nothing else to say. You run out of the "about me" in the first few weeks, minus a few selective secrets, but you could always say you learned something new today.
> 
> Other than that, you've got the right idea taking it slow and learning about him, before you over fantasize this relationship with copious amounts of hot sex. There will be time to be romantic later on, what you're doing now is setting up the foundation for a very loving and very stable relationship with something to base it on once you're no longer "passionately in love" but more "comfortably friend in love". I don't date yet myself, but I've been told after coming from an abusive relationship that next healthy one seems uncomfortable and icky. You're just going to have to take it day by day until that uncomfortable feeling goes away and you're left with a relationship you actually enjoy for one. Just imagine, you won't be with a controlling. lying, cheating, manipulator.... You'll be with someone who wants to make you happy and doesn't want to hurt you if he can help it.


This is great advice. 

Some that I need to hear to. After my divorce I reconnected with a female friend from my past. For a few months we chatted a lot online, often for hours. Good, open, honest conversations about where we are in life, our view on relationships, etc.

She lives in my hometown, where I'll be moving shortly. The long distance has been good. Has kept things on an even level. After a while we did meet up for a weekend together and it turned physical. 

She expressed many of the concerns that NSweet mentioned. Doesn't want it to be too much too soon for me. Wants to proceed with no expectations. Wants to be friends first and foremost. Doesn't want our conversations to stop and would be upset if they did. 

I do need to make sure I do not lean on her for support. She is not my IC. She is not there to fix me, nor I her. But I still remain open with her. 

If I trigger and have a bad day, I avoid contact with her until I am feeling better. If she asks how my day was - then I am open. I tell her I triggered, had some feelings to work through, but did so and now am feeling great. 

If she asks for more info, I keep it short or focus on the things I've learned. New passions I have, etc. And ask about her day. I'm hoping this is the right approach. 

I do not want to dump on her. To need her for assistance. I want her to choose her level of involvement. This is weird and different after being a needy codependent.


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## EnjoliWoman

I don't know that I have anything useful to add to what others have said. It's probably too soon. I craved tenderness and consideration after the ex. I was fortunate to date a man for a while who was all that. Flowers, doors opened, kindness, warmth - it was what I needed to restore my soul.

I am over most things but temper. And I only discovered this last year. A man who has been a friend for a long time (we met on match haha) came over to help me with some DIY stuff at the house. He hit his head HARD on a piece of metal, cutting it. He let out this terrible angry stream of curse words and even though it was NOT directed at me at all (nor would he ever raise a hand), my blood went cold. Somehow I was aware that I was triggering - I hated the feeling inside. I calmly walked into the house to get a couple paper towels plus a wet one to wash it with. I did not speak I just handed them over and he thanked me. He was already calm and even said he was just like his Dad that way when he is in pain he curses and yells (usually never curses). I offered neosporin and band-aid which he decline and we got back to work but that was 9 years post separation. 

If we were in a relationship, I would have had to calmly tell him later that, in that moment I was frightened, even though I know he'd never hurt me. As it were, it didn't warrant disclosure, but it took me by surprise. I sort of felt I was all healed up.

ETA - So I realized that one thing I find VERY attractive is a man who can handle trying things without losing his temper. Last BF and I took a trip and the rental was spewing oil. They said it would be fine for the rest of the trip. He very calmly and logically stood his ground. Listening to him I felt relief (it wasn't a sh*t test of my making but one nonetheless) and I just wanted to hug him.


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## jessy81

This might sound weird to people but i'd do anything to be able to date just for fun again..........being a muslim woman in the middle east, this is just not acceptable.........no dates or sex (yeah right!) out of marriage........i'm only 31 & i just lost 105 lbs (i'm 120 lbs) now......i'm trying my best to have fun away from getting into a relationship, but no matter what i do, i'm very sexually frustrated , i feel unloved & terribly alone.....i wish i'd gotten divorced years ago & started to learn how to be single sooner than this........but it's what happened.......there's this guy that i got involved with but after we were "in love" so fast so hard - throughout my divorce & right after - (i've loved him since i was 13 yrs old & so did he or so he said!), problems happened then we broke it off, then on again , then off, then friends,....then i still love him & he's not so sure,....ughhh it's soooo frustrating, but i've decided to stop trying so much anymore with him, i'm trying to distance myself as much as i could giving us both space & time (he's also in therapy & on an anti-depressant) .........he knows how much i love him so it's his choice if he decides to start again, this time give it a better chance at a slower reasonable pace.........other than that, i try not to get involved with anyone else........but i'd just love to feel like a woman & just even get dressed up 4 someone, or have someone take me on a date, maybe dance a bit, enjoy a nice dinner or a movie....a date........even if it's for fun, even if it's just for companionship,.....i'm not looking for a marriage again unless i'm deeply in love & he treats me right...........but i'd just love to feel wanted..........sorry to vent, but i just needed to let this one out......


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

jessy81 said:


> This might sound weird to people but i'd do anything to be able to date just for fun again..........being a muslim woman in the middle east, this is just not acceptable.........no dates or sex (yeah right!) out of marriage........i'm only 31 & i just lost 105 lbs (i'm 120 lbs) now......i'm trying my best to have fun away from getting into a relationship, but no matter what i do, i'm very sexually frustrated , i feel unloved & terribly alone.....i wish i'd gotten divorced years ago & started to learn how to be single sooner than this........but it's what happened.......there's this guy that i got involved with but after we were "in love" so fast so hard - throughout my divorce & right after - (i've loved him since i was 13 yrs old & so did he or so he said!), problems happened then we broke it off, then on again , then off, then friends,....then i still love him & he's not so sure,....ughhh it's soooo frustrating, but i've decided to stop trying so much anymore with him, i'm trying to distance myself as much as i could giving us both space & time (he's also in therapy & on an anti-depressant) .........he knows how much i love him so it's his choice if he decides to start again, this time give it a better chance at a slower reasonable pace.........other than that, i try not to get involved with anyone else........but i'd just love to feel like a woman & just even get dressed up 4 someone, or have someone take me on a date, maybe dance a bit, enjoy a nice dinner or a movie....a date........even if it's for fun, even if it's just for companionship,.....i'm not looking for a marriage again unless i'm deeply in love & he treats me right...........but i'd just love to feel wanted..........sorry to vent, but i just needed to let this one out......


You might like second life, as long as you can compartmentalize it and understand it's an outlet due to current constraints. May the constraints change for you soon! 

It must be difficult to meet and marry in a culture that's biased against making mistakes along the way. All or nothing stakes must be emotionally horrifying.


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## whitehawk

I've found the same thing with girls I've met so far. They don't wanna know or be your shoulder in any way mostly , well so far anyway.
They seem to think it all should be put to bed . Meanwhile some of them go on , and on , and on , about theirs !
No surprises there I'm sorry to say.

For me personally though , I don't wanna put my sh1t onto anyone new and a bit like Z was saying , I keep my stuff short and sweet unless someone wants to know and hear more. I try to deal with it on my own time really.


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## Readytogo

Hi NIO. This is "readytogo" I first started reading your thread where you were JUST leaving your husband. I want to send you a note of thanks and encouragement.

I LEFT MY HUSBAND THIS WEEKEND and would often think of your first threads when you left.

You hang in there. I look up to you! I have faith that you will heal and trust again on your own time. Everyone is different. 

Readytogo Left - I did it. And you helped. So thank you for your posts.


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## Numb in Ohio

I am so glad I have this place to turn to. As for my new "friend", I told him that we should just remain friends, nothing more. I knew I could not accept the amount of drinking he did, and he didn't want my "drama". I knew I was reaching out too soon, wanting to feel attractive to someone. All the wrong reasons. He just wanted a "friend with benefits". I wasn't going to be that kind of friend.

Readytogo--- I am very proud of you. But YOU are the one who finally reached your point. I still struggle.

I finally broke down and started on a low dose anti-depressant. I was just having too much anxiety.

I haven't been on here for a while as I have a lot going on. My son has to be in Delaware July 4th to join his new Reserve unit. They will go to Ft. Hood TX for training to prepare for his deployment to Afghanistan later this year. 

This will be a huge transition that I have to try and prepare for. It will be the first time I am all alone in my home. 

I am not sure how I will do. Just going to take it one day at a time.


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## Readytogo

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am so glad I have this place to turn to. As for my new "friend", I told him that we should just remain friends, nothing more. I knew I could not accept the amount of drinking he did, and he didn't want my "drama". I knew I was reaching out too soon, wanting to feel attractive to someone. All the wrong reasons. He just wanted a "friend with benefits". I wasn't going to be that kind of friend.
> 
> Readytogo--- I am very proud of you. But YOU are the one who finally reached your point. I still struggle.
> 
> I finally broke down and started on a low dose anti-depressant. I was just having too much anxiety.
> 
> I haven't been on here for a while as I have a lot going on. My son has to be in Delaware July 4th to join his new Reserve unit. They will go to Ft. Hood TX for training to prepare for his deployment to Afghanistan later this year.
> 
> This will be a huge transition that I have to try and prepare for. It will be the first time I am all alone in my home.
> 
> I am not sure how I will do. Just going to take it one day at a time.


Hang in there. I understand life changes. Ever since I left my husband last month my life has been a roller coaster. I too am on a low dose of anti-depressant. I'm not sure if you have a pet, but my little ****er spaniel has been my life saver. He is someone that I have to take care and nurture and in return he comfort's me as well. If you don't already have a furry friend, I suggest getting one. Hang in there!!


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## Numb in Ohio

Readytogo said:


> Hang in there. I understand life changes. Ever since I left my husband last month my life has been a roller coaster. I too am on a low dose of anti-depressant. I'm not sure if you have a pet, but my little ****er spaniel has been my life saver. He is someone that I have to take care and nurture and in return he comfort's me as well. If you don't already have a furry friend, I suggest getting one. Hang in there!!



I have 3... a black lab rot mix, and 2 cats. They keep me pretty busy. In the evening they are all snuggled up with me.  It helps a lot.


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## angelpixie

One thing I would add to this discussion is that it's hard to tell if you're 'ready' in a vacuum. Satya is right -- the triggers may never totally go away, because we may not be immediately aware of what the next trigger will be or when it will happen. Like Enjoli posted, one of her realizations came years after her separation from her abuser.

I think one thing some people forget is that abuse leaves emotional and mental effects that are similar to those in people who have been in combat, or who are crime victims. PTSD is PTSD. It isn't less because it was committed by a domestic partner in someone's home. We've come to recognize that spouses of returning veterans need extra help to deal with what that veteran experiences. We realize that someone who has been assaulted often has major difficulties going to places that remind him or her of the scene of the assault. Why is it that someone coming out of an abusive relationship is treated differently? 

Just comparing females to females here: if a woman comes back from the Middle East and has PTSD from a road-side bomb incident, she's not generally looked at as a 'damsel in distress' or 'emotionally needy'. Same with a woman who has PTSD after being mugged and raped by a stranger. So, why are those terms used for women with PTSD from relationship violence? I think in some cases it's because men don't want to deal with even a remote comparison to someone who perpetrated the violence, and also because in some cases, they still want to blame the woman. So if _she's_ still having problems, _she_ needs to deal with it, and call him when she's all better. 

I don't think everything in one's past needs to come out in the first few dates, but once it gets serious enough that sex starts getting involved and a couple considers themselves exclusive, then it's perfectly fair. Otherwise, if it comes out later, when something does trigger her, then there will be all kinds of cries of 'Why didn't you tell him sooner, so that he had a choice of whether or not he wants to deal with it?' or 'You tricked him that you were OK when you knew you had these problems!'

It's too bad that there is still an underlying sense of shame and stigma here. NIO's ex-date is a case in point. He considered it worse of her to ask him to deal with her occasional trigger than for him to ask her to deal with his excessive drinking.


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## CEL

So I think we all agree abuse leaves scars well a scar I a healed wound not the wound it's self. That means that it is going to be with you for well your life. It may be sensitive some days or even to some stimuli. 

I think we have the wrong mentality as has been hit on already. You may never really get over the effects of abuse because you can't undue the past. What you can do is recognize the problem and do the best you can. If someone really cares for you then just doing your best IS enough. 

As a victim of abuse for a lot of my life I know I have issues. When it gets serious I let them know them in a gentle way. I am serious about working in them and try very hard but still I can't undue the past. Those that love me understand and it is enough for them. Just like I understand them doing their best is enough for me.


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