# Where do we go from here?



## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hello everybody. I am 41, my husband is 42, and we've been married for 15 years. We have been through a lot in our marriage, both of us have had affairs. His was much shorter than mine but we are both aware of them and have worked through it. He was also emotionally abusive and had some issues with binge drinking. This has mostly been resolved. Now we are at this point where I realize that I have no sexual interest in him. I have done so much working on myself, that I feel like a different person then when I was 26 and we got married. I can't find the desire to kiss, cuddle or sleep with him. We have not had sex in over a year and sleep in separate beds, my choice. I know my affair played a big part in this. My husband tells me that lack of attraction should have no play in whether a couple stays married or not, that if we were older one of us became disabled or disfigured then there would not really be any attraction. The problem is I am not old, I look much younger for my age and very fit and attractive. My husband is attractive as well. 

The bottom line is my husband does not want to divorce, yet if I stay with him I will live the rest of my life never experiencing truly for filling sex. It just feels ridiculous to break up a life and a marriage over sex. We both agree on this, but I can't guarantee to him that I will never ever have another affair partner. I have told him this Pointblank, and he still wants to work it out and see where things go. Any advice on how to move forward? I don't want to wait until my 50s to divorce and then my options are much fewer. Right now my husband and I do have a good marriage outside of sex. We get along really well although we still have major disagreements about the splitting up of housework. I believe subconsciously he feels that housework and cleaning is women's work and he leaves that all up to me. We both work full-time. Please help!
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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Kids?

Why no sex if he's attractive?

Tell him to get the MMSLP book linked to below but do not look at it yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, who were the affairs with and why? More info please.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

No kids. I have not read MMSLP but I think I know what it's about and he can benefit from it. He's a gaming geek, and he collects sports cars and action figures. He has a hover board.. His affair was with an ex girlfriend, mine was with a guy i met through work, although he doesn't work with me. I have not spoken to him or seen him in 6 months, I cut off all contact.
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> My husband tells me that lack of attraction should have no play in whether a couple stays married or not...


Well, this is a bunch of hooey! Of course you should feel some kind of attraction for your spouse. It's true that things can change after the initial newness of a relationship wears off, but to say that attraction doesn't figure prominently in a marriage is just denial (or excuses) on the part of your husband.



Confused11374 said:


> ... he says that if we were older one of us became disabled or disfigured then there would not really be any attraction.


Again, more hooey! Attraction runs FAR deeper than just physical looks. So disfigurement or disability isn't the "death knell" for attraction. I am wildly attracted to my longterm SO for reasons that have nothing to do with his looks. I am attracted to his wit, his intellect, his opinions, various body parts , his steady resolve in how he handles life, his husky voice, his belly laughs, heck... even his _smell._ 

Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong contract, although it didn't work out that way for me. Like you, I was in a sexless marriage with a man who I lost all attraction for. And I lost it mostly because he never wanted to have sex with me.

I'm certainly not advocating divorce. I think it's too early for that without exhausting all other options to repair your marriage first. I would suggest marriage counseling as well as scheduling some sessions with a certified sex therapist. I'm guessing that the affairs you both had play a huge role in why you no longer feel attracted to each other -- affairs change everything. Give yourselves a chance to turn this around. A good therapist can help you sort it out or decide to move on. But I certainly don't think it's healthy to remain in a sexless marriage with someone who you no longer have any attraction to.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Well, this is a bunch of hooey! Of course you should feel some kind of attraction for your spouse. It's true that things can change after the initial newness of a relationship wears off, but to say that attraction doesn't figure prominently in a marriage is just denial (or excuses) on the part of your husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Thanks, these are my thoughts as well. I called a marriage counselor to set up an appointment. In addition to the affair affecting my attraction, it also has to do with his lack of initiative and total inability to make decisions. I make all household and marriage related decisions and execute them. For example, every time we moved to a new house, it was my decision to move, I'm the one who researched and found the new house, set up the appointments with the realtors etc. Anytime I ask him a question on how to proceed with something, his answer is I don't know.

I'm not interested in a relationship where I have to submit to my man, but I also don't want to wear the pants. When I look back at our marriage, it's been like that for a very long time. I knew I wasn't happy with the way things were yet I could not put my finger on why. Only when I was in counseling following my affair did I realize what the issues were. It was the same for him, after his affair he realized he was not satisfied with the level of attention and sex I was giving him. Both of us avoided addressing our problems in an appropriate manner and now here we are .
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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Also wanted to add that the thought of kissing him would be like kissing my brother. It actually makes my skin crawl. I think we need a miracle worker rather than a sex therapist. ☹
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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

So the affairs are fairly recent? 
Is this issue what led to your affair?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Peaf said:


> So the affairs are fairly recent?
> Is this issue what led to your affair?


I was attracted to him enough to want sex but not frequently. 95% of the time he initiated and I complied so he'd stop asking. When we did have sex I would have to fantasize about encounters with other people. Otherwise I faked orgasms. I know I should not have done that but I did it for so very long it became routine. My husband says this is normal, but he is very attracted to me and orgasms very quickly if he wants to. Husband would say it's because I have no sex drive and am asexual. But I wasn't that way with AP, so obviously I am sexual. I think my husband doesn't want to admit this. He seems to think out marriage was totally perfect and we just reached a mid life crisis which led us astray. He has no recollection of our infrequent sex life which is strange because he complained all the time about being "roommates"
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> Also wanted to add that the thought of kissing him would be like kissing my brother. It actually makes my skin crawl. I think we need a miracle worker rather than a sex therapist. ☹
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will offer you the same advice my counselor offered me. If you were once attracted to each other in the beginning with all the usual giddy feelings -- love-struck, strong desire to be near each other, can't keep your hands off each other, strong physical connection, kissing, touching, lust -- you CAN get those feelings back. Much of that is due to the initial flood of hormones, and that naturally scales back for most couple after 2 years or so. It will be hard work for sure, especially after a year of no sex and sleeping in separate beds, but it is possible to rekindle.

If, on the other hand, you never felt that way about him that's a whole different issue. If you _think_ you loved him in the beginning but weren't sure, if you never felt that wild chase, if you were never giddy over him, it will be extremely difficult (if not impossible) to ever feel that way about him. Much of it comes down to pure biology and is not within our control. You cannot force your body to feel attraction to someone.

So you have to ask yourself the tough questions... which one was it? The first scenario, or the second? Did you love this man in all ways or did you settle?

The answer to those questions will help you cut to the chase and figure out whether you want to pursue sex therapy or parting ways.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> I will offer you the same advice my counselor offered me. If you were once attracted to each other in the beginning with all the usual giddy feelings -- love-struck, strong desire to be near each other, can't keep your hands off each other, strong physical connection, kissing, touching, lust -- you CAN get those feelings back. Much of that is due to the initial flood of hormones, and that naturally scales back for most couple after 2 years or so. It will be hard work for sure, especially after a year of no sex and sleeping in separate beds, but it is possible to rekindle.
> 
> If, on the other hand, you never felt that way about him that's a whole different issue. If you _think_ you loved him but weren't sure, if you never felt that wild chase, if you never were giddy over him, it will be extremely difficult (if not impossible) to ever feel that way about him. Much of it comes down to pure biology and is not within our control. You cannot force your body to feel attraction to someone.
> 
> ...


I felt that way in the very beginning, was wildly attracted and it only lasted a few months. When I was 21. We were so young and so different.
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> I felt that way in the very beginning, was wildly attracted and it only lasted a few months. When I was 21. We were so young and so different.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then I definitely think it's worth pursuing counseling. As I mentioned before, I would see both a regular marriage counselor and also one who deals specifically with sex issues.

You both need to wade through the muck of the affairs. I know you said you dealt with it and moved on, but I'm guessing there are deep issues there that are unresolved. For example, did you compare in your mind your affair partner to your husband? Was he stronger and more decisive than your husband? Do you still make those comparisons even now?

As far as it "feeling like kissing your brother", that can change if you begin to rebuild trust and intimacy. But you cannot change his entire personality -- if he is too weak-willed, not a strong leader, and you don't respect him because you are forced to wear the pants, you may decide that you are simply incompatible and it's time to move on.

This likely won't be a quick fix and will take awhile to figure out. But don't drag it out for years and years due to indecisiveness. Good that you have an MC appointment scheduled. Give it your best shot to make an informed decision, and then proceed.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

First MC appointment is tonight. How do I say what I need to say without destroying his feelings?
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> First MC appointment is tonight. How do I say what I need to say without destroying his feelings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By being open and honest.

My advice? Tell your counselor EXACTLY what you told us in your first post. Lay out the facts as objectively as you can. If your counselor is good, he/she will prompt you with questions to dig a little deeper. That's when you get into the details of waning attraction, your fears of being stuck in a platonic relationship for the rest of your life, and the fact that you and your husband don't share the same ideas/ideals about what a healthy marriage should look like.

Your counselor can only help if you are completely honest. If you tap dance around the fact that you are no longer attracted (and you are very worried about this) instead of laying it all out there, you'll never get to the bottom of the real issues. Instead you'll waste months and months working on run-of-the-mill communication exercises that are designed to get "stuck" marriages back on track. Your marriage is far worse than "stuck." You have foundational issues (no attraction, no desire to be intimate with him, affairs) that must be addressed.

You can soften the blow to his feelings by stating (honestly, I hope) that you are confused by your feelings and do not understand why you no longer feel an attraction for him.

I hope that helps. And best wishes for tonight .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

And one more thing... I doubt your husband is clueless about your true feelings (not attracted to him). The fact that you sleep separately and haven't had sex in a year is a pretty good indicator that you aren't exactly trying to rip his clothes off...

If he _really_ thinks things are basically ok, then you've got bigger fish to fry .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You will also HAVE to get into all of this (below), at some point -- though maybe not the first session! Don't leave anything out. Your counselor is a "safe" place to hash this out. If you can't be honest there, you will not be able to develop true intimacy with your husband.



Confused11374 said:


> In addition to the affair affecting my attraction, it also has to do with his *lack of initiative* and *total inability to make decisions.* I make all household and marriage related decisions and execute them. For example, every time we moved to a new house, it was my decision to move, I'm the one who researched and found the new house, set up the appointments with the realtors etc. *Anytime I ask him a  question on how to proceed with something, his answer is I don't know.
> *
> I'm not interested in a relationship where I have to submit to my man, *but I also don't want to wear the pants.* When I look back at our marriage, it's been like that for a very long time.


** And THIS is very important:

From reading through your posts, my feeling is that your husband is not dominant enough for your tastes. You want a strong leader, a take charge guy, a more "alpha" type male; your husband is not any of those things and thus the lack of attraction for him. Women lose attraction for men whom they don't respect.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Why no sex if he's attractive?


You can tell it's a guy asking that.

But a SMART guy? THAT I don't get.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Thanks, this is really helpful guidance. It seems crazy because you feel as a spouse it is your role to protect your significant other from pain so it feels so unnatural to say things to cause it. But NOT doing anything about it causes pain as well, so I think we'll be on the right track. 😊
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confused11374 said:


> But NOT doing anything about it causes pain as well, so I think we'll be on the right track. ��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


100% correct! NOT doing anything about it is far worse, because then you are not living an authentic life, not living in TRUTH. Either way it s*cks and it hurts, but at least by being honest about it you will be able to make sound decisions based on reason and not solely on emotion.

I think you're on the right track too!

And just make a mental note to be prepared... as therapy deepens, he may have things to say about his feelings for you that you have absolutely no idea about it. And those things may hurt... a lot. It goes both ways.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

We had our consultation with the marriage counselor last night. It went better than I thought it would, the counselor was asking questions of my husband and then asking the same questions of me. She kept noticing how defensive and combative my husband was being towards her. I think he was just guarding his feelings. She said she Could tell that he was in a lot of pain, based on body language and she did not see the same of me. 

It was so hard saying that I was not sexually attracted to him. I try to make it very clear that that did not mean I do not find him attractive as a person. It really is all about physical relationship. We now have to figure out if we want to work on the marriage and continue with therapy, or move on. On the drive home, he went from being defensive like he was in the session, to trying to assign blame to himself. Like, he should've been a lot nicer to me, he should not have said all of the mean things he would say to me all the time. I told him to not blame himself, marital problems are usually 50-50. It's interesting though, because I also entirely blame myself although I don't say it. I truly feel like the chance of the feelings coming back are slim to none. I know myself and my biology. I feel shame about this. The counselor asked us if we love the other, and then she asked if we were in love with the other. We both responded that we love the other person, he said he didn't know if he was in love with me any longer, and I said that I was not in love with him anymore.

Oh, and he also told me in the car that he was trying to conceal a hard-on during the session because she asked him if he wanted to have sex with me, and he was envisioning me naked in his head &#55357;&#56883;
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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Confused11374 said:


> We had our consultation with the marriage counselor last night. It went better than I thought it would, the counselor was asking questions of my husband and then asking the same questions of me. She kept noticing how defensive and combative my husband was being towards her. I think he was just guarding his feelings. She said she Could tell that he was in a lot of pain, based on body language and she did not see the same of me.
> 
> It's difficult fro some people to be vulnerable. Remember, you were already primed with feedback from TAM
> 
> ...



You can fall in love with him again...but you have to chose it AND act on it.

I recommend "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Willard Harley.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hey Confused....

Are you still here? Just checking in to see how things are going, and to let you know I was thinking about you . Hope all is going well with MC.
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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

First off your husband is acting like a woman. So your gonna have to act like a man. This won't be easy but you got to get very sexual. You got to come on to him a lot. Sex texting is great foreplay. How about lingerie. 
Rent a hotel room and tell him he is meeting you and your an escort. Role play. Take him on a hike and sneak off into the woods. 

He will either respond which is good. Or at least you can walk away knowing you have it your best shot.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Update- I scheduled a marriage counseling consultation. After the appointment he told me that since I didn't schedule a second appointment and have been ignoring him and withholding sex he is filing for divorce. He's has started going out with friends every night and coming home at three in the morning. There is a girl at work along with others at work who are influencing him and telling him he should get a divorce and helping him with the process. He spent Wednesday night helping this girl's friend with luggage and I can't remember the last time he's offered to help me with anything. 

Nothing I say seems to matter. Suddenly he's become alpha. spending so much energy getting documents and paperwork together to file and setting up appointments with realtors and mediators. Why did I not see this side of him during the marriage?
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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Who had the affair first ?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Who had the affair first ?


He did, it was only a ONS.
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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Two follow on questions then:

When he had the ONS with his ex gf, had you already lost attraction to him and stopped initiating sex ?


and


Did you feel it was OK to have (what turned out to be full blown) an affair because of what he did ?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Two follow on questions then:
> 
> When he had the ONS with his ex gf, had you already lost attraction to him and stopped initiating sex ?
> 
> ...


Strangely I was more attracted to him after his affair. After mine is when I lost it for him. I guess I did feel it was ok to have an affair after he had his. Like it was evening the score. But I took it way too far.
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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What I was trying to understand is whether he went off with his ONS gf because you had already started to lose attraction. Now I can understand that you may have felt more attracted once he had the affair but it sounded like you had already gone off him after your first few years of marriage (when you were in your twenties).

As for losing attraction once you started your affair of course you would - you would be (and are) in the "affair fog" and nothing can compete with the illicit nature of forbidden love. Also the POSOM (and I will explain in a minute why I say POS) will always seem better to you since you don't have to live with him and put up with any of his nonsense. The dopamine hit from him will keep you "faithful and loyal" to him now, which is why kissing your husband would have seemed like kissing your brother. The OM is a POS because he knows you are married and still carried on.

Why did you stop the affair if it was that good ? How long did the affair last ? Was the POSOM married ? With kids ?

You also said that "the bottom line is my husband does not want to divorce, yet if I stay with him I will live the rest of my life never experiencing truly for filling sex. " If that is the way you feel then just divorce him and let your husband find someone who is attracted to him and wants to be with him. I suspect your feelings for the POSOM are still there and are getting in the way of you ever bonding with your husband again.

The most ridiculous statement to me is that you both feel it is silly to break up a marriage over sex - that is what this forum section is all about! Its called infidelity and is a major cause for divorce. Sex is really important to the well being of a marriage so I don't get this. It is one thing to have an open marriage but to stay married and never have sex with each other is (IMO) crazy (and not workable long term).


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

The affair ended because I lost interest in the AP. Right now I only want my husband. He just told me he isn't in love with me and never was. I don't want him to leave. This hurts so much.
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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused11374 said:


> The affair ended because I lost interest in the AP. Right now I only want my husband. He just told me he isn't in love with me and never was. I don't want him to leave. This hurts so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eh??? I am really confused now!

You said you were not attracted to him and wanted to divorce (but he did not) at the start of this thread and now you are saying the exact opposite. Explain please ?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Eh??? I am really confused now!
> 
> You said you were not attracted to him and wanted to divorce (but he did not) at the start of this thread and now you are saying the exact opposite. Explain please ?


Because his demeanor has transformed into what it was when we met. Confident, energetic, motivated. That's the man I love and now he had left.
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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Wow this went from you not being attracted to him and wanting a divorce (with him being the opposite) to exactly the opposite within one month! He must have gone through quite a transformation these last few weeks!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused11374 said:


> Because his demeanor has transformed into what it was when we met. Confident, energetic, motivated. That's the man I love and now he had left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get the feeling this is one of those cases where the WOMAN likes the chase.. if the man is too easy, available, wants her .. she isn't interested.. if he's too busy.. confident he doesn't need her.. suddenly he's as hot as hell and she's got to have him...

The hoops some have to go through.. Seems some of those ideas in Married man's sex life may be true after all .... Flirt with another woman.. have sex with her (that's not in the book!) and the attraction goes *UP* ...interesting.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

His love language is most likely physical intimacy....why he has had sexual affairs. You stated you are not " in love" with him. By not being interested in sex it also tells him you "do not love" him either. 

He may be like me, I used to defer to what my wife wanted because I loved her. She later got pissed and told me it killed her attraction as she saw it as not being strong enough to make a decision, as wishy washy and childish. I was not, as I loved her and wanted to give her What she wanted. 

I bet your love language is quality time together...he does not realize...hence him doing things for you. The less sex you have the less you will want to have....y'all are missing the bonding chemicals you get from sex. 

He needs to read "no more Mr nice guy. " and MMSLP. Have you told him failure to make decisions makes him very unattractive to you. His being nice and giving you your way above him also makes him less important and places you above him...which can cause you to loose respect and those tingly feelings for your subordinate. Get me?

He may be done....that why he has this new boldness....he has finally made the decision to go find someone who loves him....you already told him you will not promise you will not have another fvck Buddy again.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

I didn't know what I had until it's gone. We went this morning to get the mediation process going. After we left, he said now that we've paid 5k he's not going back. It's done. I'm thinking of calling his mother and seeing if she can talk some sense into him. I want him back so badly I don't know what to do.
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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

A month ago you weren't attracted to him at all, you had other men on your mind and you couldn't get out quick enough. 
15 years down the toilet without a qualm. 

Kinda telling that no matter how you sugar coated it in counseling, he heard you loud and clear. He apparently has some backbone and won't stay with a woman who isn't attracted to him. Good for him.

You don't know what you have until it's gone, indeed.



Confused11374 said:


> I'm thinking of calling his mother and seeing if she can talk some sense into him. I want him back so badly I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, in an effort to be helpful, what is this statement really about?

Did Simply Amorous hit the nail on the head? Are you the type that needs to be chased? Are you only interested in a man that other women want?

The next question is what are you willing to do now to get him back? And if he were to even consider it, how will you prevent this from happening again? Because if you can't then you aren't worth the risk.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Tron said:


> A month ago you weren't attracted to him at all, you had other men on your mind and you couldn't get out quick enough.
> 15 years down the toilet without a qualm.
> 
> Kinda telling that no matter how you sugar coated it in counseling, he heard you loud and clear. He apparently has some backbone and won't stay with a woman who isn't attracted to him. Good for him.
> ...


I wasn't being chased for the first decade of the marriage and disnt have a problem, so it can't be about that. I think it had more to do with reality hitting me over the head. I'll do anything to have him back. I've learned my lessons and I don't want another man. This all made me realize I want and love my husband. I don't know how to make him see that. He thinks he's going to have this amazing single life hanging out in city bars as a 42 year old. I think he'd be happier with me if we work on things.
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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

So you want to stay married with the ability to have another affair at your whim...what's the point of staying married then?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Also he is hanging out with a divorced girl from work who is in his ear giving him advice. He spent Easter with her
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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

What reality hit you over the head?

Women are apparently chasing him now. Kinda nice to be wanted. It is stroking his ego. 

Why should he give that up for you?

And what I am getting at is that you are going to have to fix the bad $hit in the marriage that you contributed. 

What is that? Why did you do it? And how are you going to go about fixing it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If you don't have kids, why bother going through R. Personally, I think it's always a mistake for a man to R after their wife had a sexual PA. Most WWs end up feeling like you do. 

It takes so much effort to win a woman's heart & body back once she's given it to another. It's just way easier to get a new woman that doesn't have that cheating baggage. Besides what's to say you won't cheat again. The probability is higher that you'll cheat on him than it is for a new woman he could start a new relationship with.


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Wait a minute... He's the one having an affair right now
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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He was trying to nice you back and you lost respect for him. I think you instinctively knew he should have immediately dumped you . When he didn't stand up for himself and instead begged and talked forgiveness before you had shown an ounce of remorse, you were repulsed.

Now he woke up and realizes that for a man in his 40s, sex is so plentiful out there, why chase and beg a cheating wife for it. All of a sudden you're realizing your husband wasn't a complete loser in comparison to your OM. 

You need to work on yourself. Dig deep to fix what's broken inside you that made you become the type of wife that would have sexual PA for months. This is critical because most men will not want to have a serious relationship with a "former" adulterous.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He's filed and in the wind....go back and read your OP. You have made it clear to him there is nothing to save....you do not love him, are not in love with him and are sexually repulsed by him.

Have the decency to let him go so he can find some one that wants him and will love him...only him.

You really think momma can convince him it would be more fun to work on existing with the person who typed the OP, than to play with all the 30-35 yr old females that will be wanting to climb in bed with a 42 yr old man? REALLY!?


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## Confused11374 (Feb 24, 2016)

Is it that unusual for wives to lose interest in sex with their husbands after 15 years? These girls that are supposedly going to be so willing to jump in bed with him will lose interest when he starts acting the way he did in our marriage. The only difference between me and other women who lose interest is that I was very honest about it during the counseling session. Otherwise what's the point of counseling? And How can he be thinking clearly when he's in the middle of an emotional affair?
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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Your head is REALLY in a fog. It's a PA and now he feels like he has his manhood back. The 180-degree change in his demeanor broadcasts it loud and clear.

I'm sorry, but everything that's been told to you is absolutely correct. You've rejected him and told him so. What more is there for him in this marriage? You may not have been all about the chase as a 20-something, but you aren't the same person today as you were back then. Now, you just want what is not attainable...him.

And what have you done in the interim between counseling sessions to work on improving the marriage? Anything (except to schedule another one a month later)? If you've shown no willingness to make cognitive changes in that time, then that lack of motivation is all that he needed to see that the marriage is irretrievably broken.

I'm not saying that he shouldn't have been doing things to help improve the marriage. He should have, too. But, if neither of you are willing to make improvements for the benefit of the marriage then what's the point going forward? You stated in your very first post that you didn't want to live in a sexless marriage as a 50-something woman. So, again, unless you are willing to take major efforts to better the marriage then let it go.


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