# may have got caught havin online sex talk???



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

IS this a really big issue???? Ill explain


Have only had sex with wife about 3 times in 2 years due to her low libido and depression. She doesnt even help me out with other areas in the bedroom. iM 27 and she is 26. Been married only one year.

Obviosuly i get horny and one night about 8 months ago i was talking to and old friend (female) online and somehow we were talking about how horny we were at about 11pm at night while both of our partners were asleep. She was saying how she only gets sex once a month and she wants it more.

Anyhow one thing led to another and we had cybersex and she told me she was getting herslef off which i did also. It was a bit of fun if nothing else as we dont see eachother anymore.

I think the MRs must have saw our converstion somehow as she brough it up a few weeks ago with a friend. She seemed really angry about it,




I dont feel guilty nor i dont think i should, as i have never cheated or gone to brothels and only get sex once every 6 months over last 2 yrs.

thoughts?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

brendan said:


> I dont feel guilty nor i dont think i should, as i have never cheated or gone to brothels and only get sex once every 6 months over last 2 yrs.
> 
> thoughts?


Yeah, why at such a young age do you have a sexless marriage?

You should tell your wife there`s no way you can continue a sexless marriage and listen to her reply.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I know that everyone will have their own opinion, and mine would be that this is cheating. I believe that anytime one goes outside of the marriage for sexual gratification with another (the fact that there is the illusory 'mask' of a computer separating the participants is irrelevant to me) it is cheating in my book.

IF you want to save your marriage, then you should be turning off the chats and online sex and turning all of your efforts to getting your marriage to work. If you expend all efforts to do that and there's no likewise commitment from your wife, then set your wife free before seeking gratification from others. Because there isn't anything in seeking gratification with another which is likely to help your wife want to step up her commitment to you. imho

Best wishes.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

brendan said:


> IS this a really big issue???? Ill explain
> 
> 
> Have only had sex with wife about 3 times in 2 years due to her low libido and depression. She doesnt even help me out with other areas in the bedroom. iM 27 and she is 26. Been married only one year.
> ...



Yeah..........duh, you cheated. 

Address the problems in your marriage or get divorced before you bring children into such a troubled relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

brendan said:


> IS this a really big issue???? Ill explain
> 
> 
> Have only had sex with wife about 3 times in 2 years due to her low libido and depression. She doesnt even help me out with other areas in the bedroom. iM 27 and she is 26. Been married only one year.
> ...


You were unfaithful. Life is not black and white. There are shades of gray. If a webcam was involved it would be an even bigger deal. This is a level of cheating.

So, yes you were wrong for doing this.

That said, a sexless relationship is unacceptable. It is especailly abhorrent at your age. Add to that that you have only been married a year. I am assuming you knew what you were getting into. Maybe not.

I actually take a view that if a spouse is not meeting the needs of their partner, that there is a level of unfaithfulness there. Now you say she has a low libido. Perhaps it will increase as she matures, but do not hold your breath.

She should see a doctor about this. 

I also suggest you go to Married Man Sex Life. Read the book. 

Sometimes guys wonder when their wife is going to get into sex and the wife is wondering when the man is going to take charge. So take charge and see what that brings.

I also suggest you do His Needs Her Needs together. Find out what each others needs are. Set some boundaries around opposite sex friends.

You need to make sure you are meeting her top needs. She needs to understand your top needs. Typically sexuall fullfillment is a man's number one need. That alone will not get the sex going. But it can inhibit it. You need to make yourself attractive to her. If she truly has a low libido it may be a matter of foreply to get her started. Foreplay begins outside of the bedroom.

At some point if all else fails you have to evaluate your relationship. Is a sexless marriage like this a deal breaker. It would be for me. So in the book above it has an area called the MAP. You may or may not decide to run the MAP to the conclusion.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I know that everyone will have their own opinion, and mine would be that this is cheating. I believe that anytime one goes outside of the marriage for sexual gratification with another (the fact that there is the illusory 'mask' of a computer separating the participants is irrelevant to me) it is cheating in my book.
> 
> IF you want to save your marriage, then you should be turning off the chats and online sex and turning all of your efforts to getting your marriage to work. If you expend all efforts to do that and there's no likewise commitment from your wife, then set your wife free before seeking gratification from others. Because there isn't anything in seeking gratification with another which is likely to help your wife want to step up her commitment to you. imho
> 
> Best wishes.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

brendan said:


> She seemed really angry about it,
> 
> 
> thoughts?


You think? IMO, and apparently your wife's, this is cheating. My H didn't think so either a few to six months ago. Our MC explained boundaries to us and asked us each to define our boundary as it relates to feeling violated in our marriage. 

Your marriage is young, have you talked to your wife about your needs? I agree with others, a sexless marriage is not fun or acceptable unless both parties agree. I didn't even consider my H when I was going through my sexless dilemma, I just expected him to go without indefinitely... Wrong. I came to TAM and quickly realized I was selfish and not thinking about my H at all. I'm not "heeled", no screaming sex drive here, but I do make it point to connect with my H on this level at least once a week, and a lot of times just doing that once a week helps my body actually want more of it.  If you want to save your marriage, you do need to stop chatting with other women, of course that's just my opinion


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

You should have just watched porn instead.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks for advice to date, i get the feeling most of you think it was raunch cyber sex session ( not it was not). Maybe i worded things wrongly.

It was an old friend and me talking for an hour then she started to tell me she had benn married a year and only had sex about 10 times which was similar to me. So i told her my story only 2 times in a year.

She then said the sex talk is making her horny as we speak and it was to me also. She then told me she was masturbating and was all hot. She was telling me what she was doing/using and that was about it.

I guess i was caught in the moment as it started off innocent but still dont see that bigger deal about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

brendan said:


> thanks for advice to date, i get the feeling most of you think it was raunch cyber sex session ( not it was not). Maybe i worded things wrongly.
> 
> It was an old friend and me talking for an hour then she started to tell me she had benn married a year and only had sex about 10 times which was similar to me. So i told her my story only 2 times in a year.
> 
> ...


I know I was clear on this. The unfaithfulness started with you discussing your sexual problems within your marriages with members of the opposite sex. That was what is unfaithful. The fact that things went further is understood and could have been predicted. I know how this happens. It is where EAs tend to go. Few things are as predictable as this.

I understand you did not see the big deal in this. Your wife saw the big deal in this. You have a boundary problem with the opposite sex. The thing about an EA is you cannot rely on how you feel or what you preceive. It is chemical. It feels right. But it is not. Been there.

This may or may not help you. Would you have been ok with this if you wife was observing you? Would you have been ok with this if your wife was doing this with some guy?

It is possible that you will answer yes to both. But would your wife answer yes to both?

Most married folks would see this as a big deal. Less of a deal than in person penetration. Yes.
But that is part of the difference between an EA and a PA.

If I caiught my wife doing this it would be a big deal. Again not the same as pulling her off another guy as she was riding him, but not good either.

Once you start down this road it is like playing just the tip.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

I don't think it's a big deal, nor is it cheating. Jeeze! But yeah, if your wife is mad about it, then she needs to woman up and do something about it. There obviously needs to be more talking about your needs, cause, lets face it, you can't stay in a relationship like that. We are human... We need the physical contact / healthy sexual relationship. Your wife needs to remember that, for herself and you. Would help her self esteem as well.


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## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

You were unfaithful but...Who can blame you? If sex is important to you you need to leave her. She will never change.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It's not your wife's fault that you cannot control yourself. That is no excuse, unless you are sexually codependent. If that is the case, I would recommend intense therapy of some sort to assist you in overcoming this issue in your life.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

But it is his wife's fault that she refuses to work with him on his issues. She either needs to put in the effort or she doesn't deserve to keep him! It's sad and harsh, but it's true. Everyone deserves to be happy, and when you get married, that's a promise to do what you can to make your spouse happy without sacrificing your own. It's hard work, but worth it! I think people get the impression that it's supposed to be easy. How silly!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I know that everyone will have their own opinion, and mine would be that this is cheating. I believe that anytime one goes outside of the marriage for sexual gratification with another (the fact that there is the illusory 'mask' of a computer separating the participants is irrelevant to me) it is cheating in my book.
> 
> IF you want to save your marriage, then you should be turning off the chats and online sex and turning all of your efforts to getting your marriage to work. If you expend all efforts to do that and there's no likewise commitment from your wife, then set your wife free before seeking gratification from others. Because there isn't anything in seeking gratification with another which is likely to help your wife want to step up her commitment to you. imho
> 
> Best wishes.


His wife has basically set herself free quite some time ago.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> It's not your wife's fault that you cannot control yourself. That is no excuse, unless you are sexually codependent. If that is the case, I would recommend intense therapy of some sort to assist you in overcoming this issue in your life.


Taking care of his sexual needs is his wife's responsibility just as her sexual needs are his responsibility. She chooses to ignore his. That's not his choice but her's. It is pathetic that a married man is compelled to chat it up with some faceless being over the internet to get a little comfort; the same comfort his wife swore to provide. She hasn't cared about his sexual needs for months, probably years. She has no grounds to complain. If she doesn't like him turning to other women the intelligent move would be for her to step up to the plate and take care of business or officially leave the marriage. She chose, rather, to further strain the bonds of intimacy by complaining to one of her friends who doesn't have a dog in the fight.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Taking care of his sexual needs is his wife's responsibility just as her sexual needs are his responsibility.


I have never agree'd with this line of thought. Before the invent of porn, or maybe a little before that, sexual needs would equate to ejaculation. A man does not need a woman to ejaculate. A man needs a woman to penetrate, and perform all kinds of wild and wacky acrobatics.

No, my opinion is that a man's sexual needs are his own, and there are many ways of meeting your own needs. Try this on for size: You want to get off, but its better when your wife does it. Well, give her the incentive to do it. You think because you put a ring on a finger your entitled to daily blowjobs?

As per her sexual needs being his responsibility, where else is he responsible? Sorry if I commit a fallacy here, but Im of a mind that if the wife's needs arent being met, she is less likely to provide sex. 


unbelievable said:


> the same comfort his wife swore to provide.


"I take you, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, your penis forever in my mouth, till death do us part."

Damn, I got married at the wrong place!




unbelievable said:


> If she doesn't like him turning to other women the intelligent move would be for her to step up to the plate and take care of business or officially leave the marriage.


I will admit Im not completely familiar with the OP story, but it sounds like his wife withheld sex, and he turned to other women. Why not turn back to the wife and T. A. L. K. about it. Not demand, not complain, not whine, but talk.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Taking care of his sexual needs is his wife's responsibility just as her sexual needs are his responsibility. She chooses to ignore his. That's not his choice but her's. It is pathetic that a married man is compelled to chat it up with some faceless being over the internet to get a little comfort; the same comfort his wife swore to provide. She hasn't cared about his sexual needs for months, probably years. She has no grounds to complain. If she doesn't like him turning to other women the intelligent move would be for her to step up to the plate and take care of business or officially leave the marriage. She chose, rather, to further strain the bonds of intimacy by complaining to one of her friends who doesn't have a dog in the fight.


This was not a "faceless being" over the Internet. This was an old female friend. Bad news. Adds an emotional element, a connection. He shouldn't have done it. They need to seriously figure out this intimacy problem and get on track or the relationship is likely doomed. If they have sex 3 times a year, they are BOTH at fault. And the fact that they've been married for one year, but the sex has been that rare since at least a year before they got married (according to OP), means they both knew what they were getting into.

Counseling would be good, self-esteem issues are at play, both of them need to "age up" and treat this as an adult situation. I know, hard to do, and 27 is adult but certainly there's a lot of growing up to do from there (at least there has been for me, I'm 34 and am just now feeling in charge of my life as an adult...no kids will do that I guess, but still...).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Taking care of his sexual needs is his wife's responsibility just as her sexual needs are his responsibility.


Indeed. A man's #1 emotional need is sexual fullfilment. His wife should be meeting that need. He should be meeting his wife's needs. Otherwise IMHO they are not truly married to each other. That said if one is going to go outside the marriage and interact with another human bieing in this way, I see that as cheating. For sure inappropriate and unfaithful. 

In any case what he did was wrong. I really do understand it however. He needs to work on the marriage and if it cannot be "fixed" I suggest he divorce before he proceeds in this manner.
We are not talking about him looking at porn. There was another person involved. A long time female friend.


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## Enamored (Dec 25, 2009)

HelloooNurse said:


> It's not your wife's fault that you cannot control yourself. That is no excuse, unless you are sexually codependent. If that is the case, I would recommend intense therapy of some sort to assist you in overcoming this issue in your life.


OP had sex only thrice in 2 years nd yet he needs intense therepy to overcome issue in life...Ironic..???:scratchhead: :rofl::wtf:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

brendan said:


> Have only had sex with wife about 3 times in 2 years due to her low libido and depression. She doesnt even help me out with other areas in the bedroom. iM 27 and she is 26. Been married only one year.


You weren't having sex before you married because of her libido and depression, so you should have had no expectation of sex after the wedding either.

The situation is beyond repair. Recommend divorce and starting over.

Sorry :-(


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Taking care of his sexual needs is his wife's responsibility just as her sexual needs are his responsibility. She chooses to ignore his. That's not his choice but her's. It is pathetic that a married man is compelled to chat it up with some faceless being over the internet to get a little comfort; the same comfort his wife swore to provide. She hasn't cared about his sexual needs for months, probably years. She has no grounds to complain. If she doesn't like him turning to other women the intelligent move would be for her to step up to the plate and take care of business or officially leave the marriage. She chose, rather, to further strain the bonds of intimacy by complaining to one of her friends who doesn't have a dog in the fight.


I do think that each spouse is responsible for trying to meet the needs of their partner - whether it is a physical (sexual) need or an emotional need.

However, we don't know what's really going on here as to why the wife isn't capable of doing that. Depression is mentioned.

@OP ~ Is your wife on any medication for the depression? Some of those meds can really negatively impact a person's libido and ability to orgasm.

I would suggest that you two consider counselling so that you can learn how to better communicate with each other, and would recommend that you do not have any more video chat/sex sessions with your friend.

God Bless.


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## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

You know what a fallacy is? We hear all the time about giving the wife a reason to want sex. The reason it is so hard to figure out what a woman wants is because she doesn't even know. Women say a lot of things that they believe are true but simply aren't. And as far as doing all the "right" things some women don't like sex no matter what. I would be willing to bet money she will never change.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks for feedback to date.

-yes we are having couselling
-yes it was better when we first got together (6 years ago) maybe three times a week, then after a year once a week then year kater once every 10 days now nothing obviouly

-yes she is on pills now but wasnt last year
-yes we do talk about it but she says she has no desire at all to do anything sexually


could neally look at it the other way and say since, engagement day it has gone down hill. maybe she thought "okay got him and changed and stopped trying to make me happy". Heard some chicks do this


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is how I personally see this ........ ANY woman who vows to love and cherish a MAN for life and is THIS pathetically haphazard in giving her man sexual fullfillment (3 times in 2 years people! ) would be a complete and utter fool to think her man will be perfectly faithful in all thoughts and not fall into something like this on the net -eventually during a HORNY moment. 

I will not crucify you for what you did. I see her as a major contributor to your weakness and falling. She is not innocent here! Just because she feels NOTHING and does NOTHING all freaking year long gives her a pass while you are looked upon as scum at the bottom of the barrel -- doesn't work for me. 

Not sure how many times you have been rejected by this woman who vowed to love , cherish & care for your needs, but if she is SO blind as to not see her hand in how you came to this point, I say SHAME SHAME SHAME on HER.


If Counseling does not sort out why SHe has lost all desire to please you/and or what you have been lacking in doing for her to feel loved (what is her Love Languages?) .... to get you both back in the sack again - what healthy marraiges are built upon, I would suggest getting out, or likely you will fall into doing that again or being EATEN ALIVE with resentment , frustration ,even resorting to depression. Life is too short. Find another and enjoy thy sex life !


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