# Is marriage even possible anymore?



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Marriage is no better or worse than the two people entering into it. Those who are good communicators, share similar goals and values, have realistic expectations and perhaps most importantly are capable of compromise will do pretty well overall.

Those who don't...won't. Then again, this could be said about any relationship. It's not the legal contract that causes marriages to fail. It's the people. As western society increasingly embraces selfishness, materialism and immediate gratification so do individuals become less suitable for long-term relationships.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


"These days" are no different than any other days. There has never been any guarantees. Marriage is tough... as is anything which can be so rewarding.

Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it should be avoided. Without risk, there is no reward.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I read somewhere, so it must be true, that the average length of marriage has gone up over the ages.

The average marriage only lasted 20 years when the average life span was 35 years, even if no one ever got divorced and everyone got married when they were 15 years old.

When I was a kid there was divorce. Not so many, but plenty of them. And people only lived on average to a much younger age than today. When I was born people expected to live to the ripe old age of 69. The age of consent was 21. So a really good marriage might last 48 years before one of the spouses kicked the bucket.

The problem today is people live to darned long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> I read somewhere, so it must be true, that the average length of marriage has gone up over the ages.
> 
> The average marriage only lasted 20 years when the average life span was 35 years, even if no one ever got divorced and everyone got married when they were 15 years old.
> 
> ...


Plus, the divorce rate of 50% is inaccurate. 
That number comes from a reporter to went to some town and counted the marraiges and divorced in one year. He found that there were twice as many marriages than divorces IN THAT ONE YEAR. So he wrote an aritcle stating that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Well that’s not good statisical work.

“Despite hand-wringing about the institution of marriage, marriages in this country are stronger today than they have been in a long time. The divorce rate peaked in the 1970s and early 1980s and has been declining for the three decades since.”
“About 70 percent of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary (excluding those in which a spouse died), up from about 65 percent of those that began in the 1970s and 1980s. Those who married in the 2000s are so far divorcing at even lower rates. If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of marriages will never involve a divorce, according to data from Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist (who also contributes to The Upshot).”

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/u...ut-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=1


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Course it's possible. Is it advisable is another story. You have to pick a really good partner that won't use, lie, abuse or cheat on you. Then if you find that partner hope they don't change. It's a risk with very very few safeguards built in.

I clearly did not have a great experience with marriage. I am not anti marriage nor would I advise my kids to never get married. I would ask them to simply take things slow and build in safeguards in case the divorce ever comes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


Those who post on TAM are a self-selected group of people, most of whom are having marital issues.

Would you go to the cancer ward in a hospital and then declare that life is not possible anymore because everyone has cancer? I don’t think so.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, you know us wild childs of the '60's were pretty crazy. No surprise we found it hard to keep anything together!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


*After two trips to the matrimonial well, and being rebuked and near-ruined by deception, adultery, and the courtroom, I can't even convince myself to even make a bonafide attempt to date again, much less marry!

I'm sorry, but if my two sons ever need encouragement to marry, I simply cannot give it to them as I am a rather "prejudiced witness" as to what it can all ultimately result in!

I'll give them my total blessing in their getting hitched, but the learning experience of it all is solely on their nickel!*


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno, I know plenty of marriages that SEEM to be going fine. Many people would have told you that my ex and I seemed happy up to the day she decided she wanted out. OTOH, I know many people who are married and miserable as well. I think marriage has a purpose, but that purpose is mainly to establish a stable foundation for the raising of children, but even then it tends to go sideways. 
Then in regards to marriage and divorce statistics, even that is skewed. First off, while the overall divorce rate is going down, the divorce rate for long term marriages (silver or gray divorces) is actually increasing. Secondly the overall declining divorce rate is a combination of several factors. First, fewer people are actually getting married. The divorce statistics do not take into account all of those couple who formerly would have gotten married, but now just choose to co-habitate and/or co-parent. When those couples call it quits, no one is counting. Secondly people are waiting until they are older to get married, so it could be said that they have a little more experience under their belts than those who marry younger. So I do not know if one can actually look at marriage/divorce statistics as any sort of a guide.
I think that there are also quite a few of us who have been through the wringer and have decided "never again". That would include men and women, who in the past may have felt pressured by society or family or church or whatever to remarry, so in some instance we are only a statistic once and not multiple times. 
As for my kids? They both got married last year. My son is a doctor. He married a fellow doctor with whom he attended medical school, so they had been together for almost ten years before they got married. My daughter married her high school sweetheart after graduating from college. I have no clue what the future holds for them. But society is definitely not working for them.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Course it's possible. It's is advisable is another story. You have to pick a really good partner that won't use, lie, abuse or cheat on you. Then if you find that partner hope they don't change. It's a risk with very very few safeguards built in.
> 
> I clearly did not have a great experience with marriage. I am not anti marriage nor would I advise my kids to never get married. I would ask them to simply take things slow and build in safeguards in case the divorce ever comes



How could you possibly know if you found someone safe enough to marry? Most of these marital problems seem to happen around 10 years of marriage. That also is the same amount of time some states kick in permanent alimony.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I can look past most marital issues ... with the noted exceptions of adultery, and physical and mental abuse of a spouse or child!

And while I can certainly find it within myself to forgive these devious acts, I cannot ever forget them!*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Hey, the choice is be in a relationship, or don't.

I much prefer being in a relationship. 

And for me, in spite of my evil ways, and my past, and the era we were raised in, in the final analysis I decided I was hung up on the idea that we could work through pretty much anything. I always told her there were only two things I needed from her; good sex, and good child care. We ironed everything else out as we went along.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/u...ut-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=1


Adding to this, the divorce rate has dropped over the last three years and is the lowest it has been in over 33 years. Plus, the marriage rate is at its highest since 2009.

Divorce Rate in U.S. Drops to Nearly 40-Year Low | Time.com


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@Stang197
Hi Stang, it's been a while since we've seen you and I hope you are doing well. Can I assume that you are still with your totally remorseless WW and she is still puttting you through hell? I would assume so, given the topic of this thread. Please update us.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I would encourage my kids to do what they feel is right and makes them happy. If they feel marriage is in that, they'll do it. If not, they won't. I would advise them to make the right decision on who is best for them. If they ask my advice on anyone they bring home, I won't sugar coat it, I've never been a sugar coat type of person. 

I would also tell them that marriage is what you put into it. I am on my third marriage. While I had my faults in each of my previous marriages. My first husband refused to work. He had a job about 6 months into our marriage, quit, and never looked for another one until I left. I also didn't push him to do so either. I liked being in control of everything plus he cooked and cleaned while I worked. 

My second husband looked and found jobs, just could never hold them for one reason or another. He was also abusive. Not physically, but abusive the same. Again, I enabled the job thing, but he completely took control and even forced me to do things his way. I fought back. He put his hands around my neck once and I was done. 

My third husband is the complete opposite of either of them and we're very happy. I learned the hard way what I did and didn't like/want and I stuck to it without giving in. He lets me control certain things but I don't threaten his manhood by being in charge all the time. We have a good balance between us and it works. Yes, sometimes we butt heads and we argue. That isn't what anyone has to worry about. Arguing means you still have something worth fighting for (in most situations). In my previous two marriages there was a point that I felt like each one had given up and stopped trying. They lessened what they were putting into the marriage and so did I. It was also around the same time I realized I was done and ready to walk away, so them pulling back could have been a reaction to me pulling back. 

Either way, marriage is what you put into it. And yes, it's worth it. I do not regret that time I spent with any of them. There were good times that I'll remember forever. It can be financially draining, but if you're that worried about finances, then a marriage should be last on your mind because nothing is about just you anymore, it's about the two of you and your future together. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> @Stang197
> Hi Stang, it's been a while since we've seen you and I hope you are doing well. Can I assume that you are still with your totally remorseless WW and she is still puttting you through hell? I would assume so, given the topic of this thread. Please update us.


We are still together. She has tried very hard to make things right. The last 3 years have been very hard on this family. If anything it's been me . I have had numerous affairs that came to light. She has had a very hard time dealing with that. I almost left her for one of these women. I really do love her though and couldn't bring myself to do it in spite of the pain she put me and the kids through. She has desperately tried to hold everything together. 
My main point of this post though wasn't really about me but given all that I see here and what I know of other marriages, is the idea of marriage just a fantasy. Especially considering no fault divorce and lifetime alimony. How could a person ever trust another human being with this much power to destroy you?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks, now I understand the bitterness. You both have put the kids through pain now so, got get counseling because playing the victim doesn't suit you.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Marriage is betting 50% of your stuff and seeing your kids every other weekend, so my vote is hell no.


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## dukey28 (May 10, 2017)

As someone who is having problems right now and im going to give my thoughts on this, i think marriage means nothing, it doesn't stop anything from happening, it provides no safety, as someone mentioned its good if you have/having kids, that's it. Its no different from being boyfriend/girlfriend apart from if it ends its much more costly. It feels no different and the big down side is that as people grow older they change, tastes, wants, goals you name it we change physically, mentally, this then effects the better half (or worse, depending). Marriage is tough and i can't say i regret it nor can i say i'm glad. I married the woman i love and i want to spend the rest of my life with her, thats why most get married right? Just love drunk, i think most forget the commitment side, the promises you make, i know we have, right now we are merely room mates, trying to fix that. 

There's problems that arise that need to be sorted, (which so far in my 4 years of marriage there's been a lot, take from that what you will) it's hard mentally and emotionally to be married. I remember seeing my wife on our wedding day and i balled like a baby, now i sometime cry but for a total different reason.

It's frustrating and i've said to my wife if anything does happen between us and we do go our separate ways i will never marry again, to me its just not worth it, ill just stick to having a long term girlfriend and that im considering not bothering with.

So no i think newer marriages, the younger generation struggle a lot, i know friends who have married and divorced already all before 30, i hope to not join that club but time will tell.

Would i advise to, yes but take your time, don't rush, see how time changes the person you consider marrying, i say marry in your 30's not 20's, we are still changing at this age and i know i have changed i also know my wife has changed shes almost 30 and her wants are much more mature than my 25 year old self, i should be out having a good time, but i chose not to, i chose her. i met my wife when i was 18 and was a slightly different person, she was 21 and again totally different, you get to a certain age and you just change, its adapting to the change that's the hard part.

As for kids? Well... that's a different story!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I might be considered old fashioned but I still think marriages and families are the bed rock of society. My marriage has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. The downs have been really bad but so have the ups. 
We met and had a whirl wind romance, we married, had kids (the best thing we ever did), we built memories (some nightmares), created a life and a family together.

Now that we seem to have gone into a different season ( I refer to the 4 seasons of marriage), things are looking up in general. I can see me enjoying this next phase.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I love the concept of marriage! Too bad my ex wife didn't.

Yes marriage is possible and yes I would encourage my kids to make that commitment (as long as I approve of the person they want to marry!!)lol But after being married and miserable for twenty years I am not nearly as rigid in my thinking as before. If my kids choose to live with their partner and never marry so be it.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Thanks, now I understand the bitterness. You both have put the kids through pain now so, got get counseling because playing the victim doesn't suit you.


Maybe it came off bitter . I am definitely not trying to play victim. I am just wondering what other people think. Didn't even really want this to be about me.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


I am not huge on Marriage was married for 12 years and will be Divorced next month, it has cost me a fortune financially and even though it has ran through very fast(about 6 months) the emotional toll is huge, if I had just had a LTR I would still have a 401k and no Alimony payments for the next few years so would have been much easier to move on with life and a lot less stressful and complicated.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

If I could have a marriage like my mom and dad (or my brother and his wife), I would marry again. I dont think marriage is the sinkhole everyone seems to think it is. Every relationship/contract has risks, dues/fees associated with the breaking of the contract/relationships. Its the cost of being married and doing business as a single entity. No one complains about not being a business owner anymore, if a business fails. They pay the debts and move on. Same with marriage. You need to count the cost and determine the risks.

I think age has us taking off the rose colored glasses of young love and determining what is the best course of action for us. For some, they dont want the risk again. For others, they do. 

Just because my first marriage ended doesnt mean I wouldnt recommend it to my children. Hopefully they will look at the big picture and make their own decisions. If they make a bad choice, its on them.

Doesnt mean marriage is bad. It means the two people who entered into it were not able to make it work.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

With the right person yes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


I think it is, but you have to be the right kind of person. Have realistic expectations (it doesn't solve your problems). I also think it's better to wait until you are in your mid 20's and hopefully established.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> How could you possibly know if you found someone safe enough to marry? Most of these marital problems seem to happen around 10 years of marriage. That also is the same amount of time some states kick in permanent alimony.


Everything great in life takes risk. That being said you can mitigate the risk by learning about human relationships. Learn what to look for as a positive sign and as a negative. A lot of stuff on here for instance is a very good example of negative. Prioritizing what is important to you. For me Character was always first over everything else. 

Personally I think a lot of people get in trouble because they believe they can't have a happy life without being married. This thought is insidious. Because of this they don't make decisions from a position of strength. 

Again the desperation to be married comes from the whole happily ever after stuff. They look at it like winning the lottery. That is not at all what it is like. It's more like learning to play the piano. There is a lot of hard work especially at the beginning, but as you continue it gets easier. You are rewarded with great fun, happy moments, lots of joy, and pride but it takes work like any other discipline.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> We are still together. She has tried very hard to make things right. The last 3 years have been very hard on this family. If anything it's been me . I have had numerous affairs that came to light. She has had a very hard time dealing with that. I almost left her for one of these women. I really do love her though and couldn't bring myself to do it in spite of the pain she put me and the kids through. She has desperately tried to hold everything together.
> My main point of this post though wasn't really about me but given all that I see here and what I know of other marriages, is the idea of marriage just a fantasy. Especially considering no fault divorce and lifetime alimony. How could a person ever trust another human being with this much power to destroy you?


Now you say, well that kind of marriage is most definitely NOT worth it.

It's a fantasy once you do that kind of damage to it. A marriage is a delicate thing.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Stang197 said:


> I have been reading this forum for years now and just find myself wondering this. In this day and age is it even possible or advisable for anyone to get married? Seems like it's a source of pain , loneliness, and financial devastation for so many couples. Would anyone encourage their kids to do it?


Yes, I think it is possible. My marriage failed not because the institution is flawed, but because I made the wrong choice in mate. Why did I do that? My FOO normalized dysfunctional relationships, so I couldn't see the red flags flying in my face. 

I learned a lot from my first marriage and my divorce, and I am still learning, every day. And while I'm not perfect, I'm in a much better position to make a better choice in mate the second time around.

I think two healthy, well-adjusted adults can have a long, healthy, happy marriage. But it takes a lot of work and effort, and both people have to be committed to the endeavor--and they will be rewarded for that as their marriage and relationship grows stronger over time.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Stang197 said:
> 
> 
> > We are still together. She has tried very hard to make things right. The last 3 years have been very hard on this family. If anything it's been me . I have had numerous affairs that came to light. She has had a very hard time dealing with that. I almost left her for one of these women. I really do love her though and couldn't bring myself to do it in spite of the pain she put me and the kids through. She has desperately tried to hold everything together.
> ...


I know this marriage has problems , but I was talking about marriage as an institution. I have only seen a handful that look happy. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I read statistics that state of the marriages that last, something like 12% are actually happy. The vast majority of wives state that they would not remarry their husbands. It just makes me wonder why we bother. Then you take the cost of divorce on top of that along with having your life on trial in front of family court and it sounds downright dangerous. Why do we let the government into our families?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Stang197 said:


> How could you possibly know if you found someone safe enough to marry? Most of these marital problems seem to happen around 10 years of marriage. That also is the same amount of time some states kick in permanent alimony.


You don't know. And even if you do they can change. Marriage is a huge risk and the older and more assets/responsibilities you have that risk grows.


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