# Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Like most new posters, I'm new to this forum and I feel like I have no one to talk to. My wife and I have been together for 24 years, we dated for a year and have been married for 23 years. For the last 23 1/2 years this has been the most wonderful time of our lives. We have never had any issues for our past. We were both married twice before we met and both of our first spouses died at a early age do to drugs/alcohol addictions and our second spouses were just crazy. I was married for 7 years both times and my wife was married 3 years to the first spouse and 12 to the second. We both believe that we have married our soulmates and we are truly in love with each other. We love to spend as much time with one another because we feel so safe together. We have owned 3 businesses together and have worked together in all of them. When we got married we couldn't have children, she had 2 daughters and I had to 2 sons and 2 daughters, 1 son and 1 daughter lived with me and the other 2 lived with their mom and my wife had 1 daughter living with her and her oldest daughter had just got married. Our families merged together as one, the kids get along great and over the years we now have 12 grand kids. About 10 years ago we adopted 4 boys and now there is only one left at home. Through the years my wife and I have always found time for one another and we have always stayed close and intimate with each other, and yes, I feel like I'm living my dream.

Okay, now the problem started about 6 months ago. We were out having dinner one night and on the way home we started talking about our ex's and some of the things that they would do just to make things bad and how her and I are so different in the way that we treat each other and how we always try to make each other happy. Then out of the blue my wife tells me that she use to work for an escort service, I said what??? She said it happened 12 years before we met, it was after her first EX and before her second. She said that she never had sex with any of the guys because she was already paid just to go on the date but she did do some freelance work and did have sex for money. I was and still in shock over this. She asked me "would you have sex for $100 or even $500?". As I'm writing this I'm still in disbelief because she was telling me about someone that I have never met. She said that this went on for about 6 months and that she stayed drunk for most of that time and she doesn't count that period of time of her life. I didn't want to know any of the gory details but I did asked how many guys? She said that she really didn't know so I asked her to guess and she said probably 15 because she had a lot of "repeat offenders". I believe that she lowered the number for my sake but she has never lied to me before, no matter the answer good or bad. I asked her why wait almost 24 years to tell me? She said that I'm the first person that she has told and that she has not trusted anyone before me not even her sister who she is very close to. 

So, it's been about 6 months now and my emotions are just a wreck. I have lost about 50 lbs and I'm not sleeping very good. We talked off and on about this for the first couple of months and I think that she got upset to see how hard that I was taking it and she said that it was the past and for me to just bury it and move on because it was going to just eat at me if I don't let it go. She has always told me that I was a emotional, caring person and I told her don't you think that something like that would have some emotional impact on me? Her face got white as a ghost and she said that she never thought about that and she was truly sorry and that she wished that she could take it back. The last time we talked about it was after my regular doctor check-up, everything was good but she told the Dr that I was suffering from mild depression and I told the Dr that it was just mid life changes (lied). After we left the Dr office she told me that I was really suffering from depression, I told her that I know we said that we would not bring it up anymore but it wasn't fair to tell me what she did and then tell me that we should never talk about it again, she just left me to deal with it on my own and that I wasn't doing a very good job at it.
I also told her that now, after 24 yrs I'm going to be having a struggle with something that wasn't my choice, not a place where I want to be emotionally. We haven't talk anymore and I guess I'm hiding the emotions somewhat from her. She does say a times that I don't seem to have the spark in my step that I use to have and she hates it when I'm not that happy guy that she has been with all these years. I just tell her that that I lost that guy and I'm still looking for him.

Now, before everyone starts to comment, I have NO intention on leaving this relationship. I still feel like I have found my soulmate because she has been the most wonderful, loving person that I have ever met and I'm so thankful that I have her and I know she would do anything that I would ask for. She is the same person that I feel in love with, nothing has changed with the exception of what she told me about her past of 36 yrs ago. I just want to get past all the bad thoughts, they seem to have clouded the memories that I have of us. I don't want this to build up inside and then in the future blow up at her. I know she told me because she thought she could tell me anything. Also, she didn't completely lie. A month into dating when we realized that we might be getting serious we had a heart to heart talk on night talking about our past ex's, boyfriends/girlfriends etc. and she did make a comment about there was 6 months of her past that she didn't count. I didn't press her although I did wonder about it for a couple of weeks at the time but then I forgot and nothing was ever mention again, until now.

Again, I'm looking for advice on how to get past these emotions. I know I'm not the same guy that I use to be. I would really like to hear from someone that has been in my shoes. Do you ever get past something like this???


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Like most new posters, I'm new to this forum and I feel like I have no one to talk to. My wife and I have been together for 24 years, we dated for a year and have been married for 23 years. For the last 23 1/2 years this has been the most wonderful time of our lives. We have never had any issues for our past. We were both married twice before we met and both of our first spouses died at a early age do to drugs/alcohol addictions and our second spouses were just crazy. I was married for 7 years both times and my wife was married 3 years to the first spouse and 12 to the second. We both believe that we have married our soulmates and we are truly in love with each other. We love to spend as much time with one another because we feel so safe together. We have owned 3 businesses together and have worked together in all of them. When we got married we couldn't have children, she had 2 daughters and I had to 2 sons and 2 daughters, 1 son and 1 daughter lived with me and the other 2 lived with their mom and my wife had 1 daughter living with her and her oldest daughter had just got married. Our families merged together as one, the kids get along great and over the years we now have 12 grand kids. About 10 years ago we adopted 4 boys and now there is only one left at home. Through the years my wife and I have always found time for one another and we have always stayed close and intimate with each other, and yes, I feel like I'm living my dream.
> 
> Okay, now the problem started about 6 months ago. We were out having dinner one night and on the way home we started talking about our ex's and some of the things that they would do just to make things bad and how her and I are so different in the way that we treat each other and how we always try to make each other happy. Then out of the blue my wife tells me that she use to work for an escort service, I said what??? She said it happened 12 years before we met, it was after her first EX and before her second. She said that she never had sex with any of the guys because she was already paid just to go on the date but she did do some freelance work and did have sex for money. I was and still in shock over this. She asked me "would you have sex for $100 or even $500?". As I'm writing this I'm still in disbelief because she was telling me about someone that I have never met. She said that this went on for about 6 months and that she stayed drunk for most of that time and she doesn't count that period of time of her life. I didn't want to know any of the gory details but I did asked how many guys? She said that she really didn't know so I asked her to guess and she said probably 15 because she had a lot of "repeat offenders". I believe that she lowered the number for my sake but she has never lied to me before, no matter the answer good or bad. I asked her why wait almost 24 years to tell me? She said that I'm the first person that she has told and that she has not trusted anyone before me not even her sister who she is very close to.
> 
> ...


Your problem is not your partners past but your resistance to it. All of your partners life experiences were required to make her the person that your so fond of. Since you have no intentions of leaving. Accept and be happy you are the one in her life she finally found the courage to tell after so many years if not accepting her actions herself.
Not counting stuff isn't really a thing.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

thanks GatorXP.

On a side note, this is the first time in our relationship that I started having any kind of insecurities and some jealousies. I'm in a emotional place that I hate.


----------



## AvidStudent (Jul 5, 2016)

You're going to have to figure out a way to get past this, all by yourself. There's nothing she'll ever be able to add to the story to help ease your mind and anything else she ever says about it will be an attempt to minimize it. The only real effect that can come from this kind of revelation is a negative impact to your health. Don't let that happen because it's just not worth it.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Have you considered individual counseling? A good therapist can provide you the right tools to manage your feelings. Hell, just having someone to share your thoughts can help.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jeeez...

What is wrong with this women.

What she did is self destructive.
..................................................................
It came out:

It came out all guilty and blue.
It came out all prickly and true.
It came out, a one way cut did ensue.

It cut you', healed her.

This nugget, this Truth..
Has been sitting, holding back..
Waiting at the sphincter, waiting to pass.

A hard mass of stone, the blood, years ago dried.
No pain from her end, nay, it was yours' that cried.
And now, it is yours' that died.

As I see it. Let it go..
Flush this dried turd from you, both of you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, yes....
At some point these things must come out.
They demand release.

Pluto demands, you acquiesce.

She said this in a moment of calm, of weakness.
In weakness comes the due, the Karmic stroke, the bloody atonement.

I suspect she now wishes she had never revealed this.

Gads, let old wounds ache, never reopen them.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You need counseling and probably with her involvement.

Either way, you both need to talk about this a lot.

You need to work through this and honestly, so does she.

There are a lot of emotions you both need to work through. You should compile a list of questions for her and she should be willing to write answers back and then you can both discuss and ask further questions.

I recommend counseling as well.

I would be angry and disappointed in her for not owning up to it before marriage but I wouldn't have a problem otherwise.

She probably has a hell of a lot more to feel insecure about than you so be considerate of that going forward. You have absolutely nothing to be insecure about but she definitely does.

This is hard for you and I am positive it is for her as well.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think you have a right to be upset that she didn't disclose her brief history as a sex worker. She should have told you she was a sex worker before you married, preferably early-ish during the dating phase. That said, she was fresh out of a marriage to an addict, an alcoholic herself, and she made some choices many people would take issue with while she was in a very bad place, not thinking clearly, and basically a giant hot mess. She moved past that phase, she got remarried and went through a 2nd divorce, she met you, and seems to have been an excellent wife, mother, stepmother, adoptive mother, grandmother, and business partner. 

So, my question is what is the real problem? What is the thing that is gnawing at you and that you can't let go of yet? Is it that she had sex with XX number of men? Is it that the sex was in exchange for money? Is it that she didn't disclose her sex work? All of the above? Have you thought of going to a marriage counselor or individual counselor to discuss it and learn to cope?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You have said you don't want to bury the issue only to have it blow up on you both some day. So instead of you both wishing it would just go away or that she never told you, you should both discuss this fully to a place where you both are 100% over the issue. 

If I were in your shoes, I would approach her with a suggestion to marriage counseling to help you through this. You don't like where you are, she misses that twinkle in your eye. This is having an impact on both of you. 

She also probably feels she misplaced her trust a bit in you. You were the only person she's ever had the trust in to tell you about that part of her past, and it backfired on her. So there is that part of it too. 

So yeah, MC and get the issue out and discuss it from all angles. I think it will help her rebuild that little bit of trust lost as well as allow her the opportunity to get a dark part of her past off of her chest. It would also allow for you to better understand and learn how to cope with a part of her past that is impacting your present. Having an unbiased third party there to help see both of you over this hurdle might be the best thing for both of you in this situation. 

You obviously both love each other dearly. Burying the issue hasn't helped so far. Maybe it's time to try the opposite approach.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> thanks GatorXP.
> 
> On a side note, this is the first time in our relationship that I started having any kind of insecurities and some jealousies. I'm in a emotional place that I hate.


IC is an option if you cant work through this yourself. Ask yourself what has actually changed that is causing these feelings...go for a ten mile walk and hammer these questions out that your having...if you dig deep enough you'll find nothing there. 
Except maybe gratitude that everything happened just the way it had to for you to have your perfect life

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

None of us. None. Not one single solitary person, none. None of us have an unmarked past. We have all gone astray, we have all done things of which we are now ashamed.

She is a good wife NOW. She learned from her misdeeds and has not repeated them. She is repentant. Get the counseling or therapy that you need to get past it. You two have a lot more time for a productive and enjoyable marriage.

"Burying" things and "rug-sweeping" won't work. It has to come out into the light.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She is the same woman that you loved before she told you this. You are the only person she trusted enough to tell. 

You knew she had a sexual past. Does it really matter if she got paid a few times? Lots of people have had sex for all sorts of terrible reasons.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Failure to disclose was definitely a foul. 

However,....

I don't think there's anything my wife could have told me about her pre-me past after 23 years of marriage that could have put me off her. It sounds like your last 23 years have been wonderful. That should count for more than whatever took place before. 

One other angle to consider-- if she was doing this for money, then you can rest assured she has no fond memories of these men, so they are no threat to your position as her one and only. At this point, this may be better for you than if money played no part and she was all about having wilde monkey sex with well hung gorgeous super studs. I guarantee these guys were not Richard Gere in 'Pretty Woman.'


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One thing to consider is whether you'd be just as put off if she'd simply had a lot of partners but wasn't actually a sex worker.

Because if you think about it there isn't much differece.

A lot of people get weirded out when there's money involved, as in a business transaction, but are more ok with one who gives it away for the price of a dinner.

Im not sure I see much difference.....promiscuity is promiscuity and if you're ok with it what difference does it make if money changes hands?

This is why no good comes of talking about exes unless it's influencing your life now.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> One other angle to consider-- if she was doing this for money, then you can rest assured she has no fond memories of these men, so they are no threat to your position as her one and only. At this point, this may be better for you than if money played no part and she was all about having wilde monkey sex with well hung gorgeous super studs.


I also think that this is an important point to consider.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am not going to shame you for having a problem being married to a ex-prostitute. I am also not going to shame you for having your feelings change when you find out you married someone who sold her sexuality for money. Many many people would have the same problems you are. Guess you are going to have to decide if you can live with it. That is really about all you can say to this. If you are sure you want to stay then I suggest you get IC. This is why you don't keep these things hidden.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> One thing to consider is whether you'd be just as put off if she'd simply had a lot of partners but wasn't actually a sex worker.
> 
> *Because if you think about it there isn't much differece.*
> 
> ...


And that's just it, and where all of this can get so complicated...each scenario gives some insight into how a person views sex in general. Those general views help provide context to view current relations though.

In this case, I suspect one of the major difficulties the OP is facing is that he now knows that his wife is capable of disassociating sex from everything else. That she can engage in sex in the most transactional way possible, to a level that, while many people are fine with in principle, that they could not bring themselves to engage in personally. And to her, this happened decades ago, to him this happened months ago, with the time spent trying to bury it in all ways possible.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I don't think you will ever "get over" the fact that 15 or so men paid your wife to have sex with her. I don't think women understand the feelings that sex causes their future husbands. 

What you can do is focus on the time you've spent with her and that she's yours now. You'll never just be alright with it though, you can't be, knowing all those men enjoyed your wife sexually so easily. Just focus on your life and marriage, you can't change what has already happened. Don't let it control your emotions. Own it.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Time. It will take time. It will get buried in the deep recesses of your mind and be nothing.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You need counseling and probably with her involvement.
> 
> Either way, you both need to talk about this a lot.
> 
> ...


The soft side, the alligator's belly has been presented by the Barbarian, Conan.

Keep it up...TAM needs 'some' compassionate men.
Needs no Martians!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One of those things..

That I do not have to beat my head against the wall, trying to make something good....
Good fall out of my left ear.

Count your' blessings, even if they are few and far between.

She loves you.
She hates herself.

Give her some of her love back.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I would also find it hard to accept. I would feel like I was deceived and she should have mentioned this a long time ago during discussions about previous partners. It would leave me uneasy and feeling like I have to ask very detailed questions in order to get the truth out of my wife. No one wants to think about their wife with other people sexually. Like others have mentioned, therapy may help because you already said you have no intention on leaving. Also it was probably very tough for her to tell you this. Im sure you don't want her feeling like she cannot share tough things with you because of how you react and make her feel about them.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In_Shock,

If she can identify the men you can expose them to their wives.

Have her take a polygraph it's likely she is minimizing the numbers and the time.

Basically you are the victim of marriage fraud.

Tamat


----------



## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

It took her 24 years to tell you. Talk about carrying around an incredible burden. I can't even imagine hitting such a low point in life that someone would think their only means of survival was to sell themselves. Counseling for both of you. She needs it because if she is just now telling you this, then it has come to the forefront in her life. She needs to deal with this now. You need it, well, because you just found out your wife of 24 years was a prostitute long before you met her. But think about this - you've had 23 1/2 great years with your wife. That's pretty awesome!! Get the counseling, do the work, and put this thing behind you.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> In_Shock,
> 
> If she can identify the men you can expose them to their wives.
> 
> ...


Identify them???
These were random customers of an escort service two and a half decades ago. I doubt she kept a little black book and a photo album.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Identify them???
> These were random customers of an escort service two and a half decades ago. I doubt she kept a little black book and a photo album.


Yup. Hopefully they are nowhere near the area where she was selling herself. 

While the emotions need brought out and the thought process that was going on, those jackasses that bought her need permanently buried in the past.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> And that's just it, and where all of this can get so complicated...each scenario gives some insight into how a person views sex in general. Those general views help provide context to view current relations though.
> 
> In this case, I suspect one of the major difficulties the OP is facing is that he now knows that his wife is capable of disassociating sex from everything else. That she can engage in sex in the most transactional way possible, to a level that, while many people are fine with in principle, that they could not bring themselves to engage in personally. And to her, this happened decades ago, to him this happened months ago, with the time spent trying to bury it in all ways possible.


I agree with you and think that promiscuity is gross. But I don't see how this is different from a guy who bangs a bunch of women before he settles down, yet that's applauded. How much intimate value can one assign to sex if they engage in such behavior?

I can tell you that my hb engaged in a lot of such behavior ands it honestly makes me feel like I'm one in a long line. I don't respect it at all.

He clearly doesn't view sex as intimate as I do so how can I be that special? It's not good for the marriage at all.

Of course I wouldn't even know if he didn't have inappropriate diarrhea of the mouth..... this is a big reason I'm not keen on sharing a lot of ex stuff.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with you and think that promiscuity is gross. But I don't see how this is different from a guy who bangs a bunch of women before he settles down, yet that's applauded. How much intimate value can one assign to sex if they engage in such behavior?
> 
> I can tell you that my hb engaged in a lot of such behavior ands it honestly makes me feel like I'm one in a long line. I don't respect it at all.
> 
> ...


Do you see the difference if your guy has a bunch of one night stands or went to a bunch of prostitutes?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Do you see the difference if your guy has a bunch of one night stands or went to a bunch of prostitutes?


Tbh not really. How is the behavior that much different?

It's all about getting rocks off. Why should it matter if money is involved?

I'd think it was pathetic that he had to hire it but from an intimacy perspective I see it as the same thing.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

There was a reason she did not disclose. She knows why. 

How ever it is so long ago, way before you. 24 great years, Concentrate on that. Let her past go, its not yours to keep. Its hers.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Tbh not really. How is the behavior that much different?
> 
> It's all about getting rocks off. Why should it matter if money is involved?
> 
> I'd think it was pathetic that he had to hire it but from an intimacy perspective I see it as the same thing.


Obviously not always the case, but presumably with the ONS, there is some level of attraction and interaction and mutual consent. With a prostitute, the only consent is the money, and there is a good chance that all else equal, the prostitute never would have had sex with the person for free, so someone who has sex with a prostitute is likely to be someone who is able to have sex with someone who doesn't necessarily want to have sex with them personally.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> There was a reason she did not disclose. She knows why.
> 
> How ever it is so long ago, way before you. 24 great years, Concentrate on that. Let her past go, its not yours to keep. Its hers.


And this leads to the question...It used to be her distant past, but it is now their present. Why now? Why out of the blue? What got her thinking about it again after such a long time?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd think it was pathetic that he had to hire it


I think this is it, it's not about the acts it about the nature of the acts. Right or wrong for lots of people it would change their thinking about their spouses sexuality and how their spouse views sexuality in general.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Tbh not really. How is the behavior that much different?
> 
> It's all about getting rocks off. Why should it matter if money is involved?
> 
> I'd think it was pathetic that he had to hire it but from an intimacy perspective I see it as the same thing.


I think I’d tend to agree about the money not mattering. I wonder if there was a premarital discussion about the number past lovers and if the professional encounters were counted in that number. That knowledge would matter more to me. (FTR, my wife disclosed she was “very experienced” well before marriage, I was ok but was glad to know about it.)


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The big issue here is that she lied to him for the entire length of their marriage. She stole his option to break the engagement before they got married. If there is one person who should be given honesty it's your spouse.

Given the size of the lie she kept up through her marriage, I would encourage him to get a polygraph for her, as it makes other forms of dishonesty seem trivial.

Also she has made it more difficult for him to track down the johns now. Not impossible for a resourceful person.

Tamat


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> Okay, now the problem started about 6 months ago. We were out having dinner one night and on the way home we started talking about our ex's and some of the things that they would do just to make things bad and how her and I are so different in the way that we treat each other and how we always try to make each other happy. * Then out of the blue my wife tells me that she use to work for an escort service, *I said what??? She said it happened 12 years before we met, it was after her first EX and before her second. She said that she never had sex with any of the guys because she was already paid just to go on the date but she did do some freelance work and did have sex for money. I was and still in shock over this. She asked me "would you have sex for $100 or even $500?". As I'm writing this I'm still in disbelief because she was telling me about someone that I have never met. She said that this went on for about 6 months and that she stayed drunk for most of that time and she doesn't count that period of time of her life. I didn't want to know any of the gory details but I did asked how many guys? She said that she really didn't know so I asked her to guess and she said probably 15 because she had a lot of "repeat offenders". I believe that she lowered the number for my sake but she has never lied to me before, no matter the answer good or bad. I asked her why wait almost 24 years to tell me? She said that I'm the first person that she has told and that she has not trusted anyone before me not even her sister who she is very close to.
> 
> So, it's been about 6 months now and my emotions are just a wreck. I have lost about 50 lbs and I'm not sleeping very good. *We talked off and on about this for the first couple of months and I think that she got upset to see how hard that I was taking it and she said that it was the past and for me to just bury it and move on because it was going to just eat at me if I don't let it go. She has always told me that I was a emotional, caring person and I told her don't you think that something like that would have some emotional impact on me? Her face got white as a ghost and she said that she never thought about that *and she was truly sorry and that she wished that she could take it back. The last time we talked about it was after my regular doctor check-up, everything was good but she told the Dr that I was suffering from mild depression and I told the Dr that it was just mid life changes (lied). After we left the Dr office she told me that I was really suffering from depression, I told her that I know we said that we would not bring it up anymore but it wasn't fair to tell me what she did and then tell me that we should never talk about it again, she just left me to deal with it on my own and that I wasn't doing a very good job at it.
> I also told her that now, after 24 yrs I'm going to be having a struggle with something that wasn't my choice, not a place where I want to be emotionally. We haven't talk anymore and I guess I'm hiding the emotions somewhat from her. *She does say a times that I don't seem to have the spark in my step that I use to have and she hates it when I'm not that happy guy that she has been with all these years.* I just tell her that that I lost that guy and I'm still looking for him.
> ...


She drops a bomb on him, from 'out of the blue' and can't understand why he's having a hard time dealing.

Either she's totally clueless or she had an reason for telling him.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> I think I’d tend to agree about the money not mattering. I wonder if there was a premarital discussion about the number past lovers and if the professional encounters were counted in that number. That knowledge would matter more to me. (FTR, my wife disclosed she was “very experienced” well before marriage, I was ok but was glad to know about it.)


Yeah, that could be. That's why I suggested he consider what's really bothering him.....is it that she had a lot more partners then he realized, or that she was a sex worker?

Because the former I understand a lot more. We all generally want someone who shares our values.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Obviously not always the case, but presumably with the ONS, there is some level of attraction and interaction and mutual consent. With a prostitute, the only consent is the money, and there is a good chance that all else equal, the prostitute never would have had sex with the person for free, so someone who has sex with a prostitute is likely to be someone who is able to have sex with someone who doesn't necessarily want to have sex with them personally.


I see what you mean, but I would point out that at least women have sex all the time with limited attraction. That's what happens pretty much every time a guy has to use money to attract her.....sure there MAY be some level of attraction but chances are if there was that much the money wouldn't have been required.

At least not to get her into bed.

Men require attraction to have sex, but women don't.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I think this is it, it's not about the acts it about the nature of the acts. Right or wrong for lots of people it would change their thinking about their spouses sexuality and how their spouse views sexuality in general.


I totally agree. We all want a partner whose values mesh with ours.....I was only suggesting that he consider what it is that actually bothers him. I think that might help him deal with it.

If he'd be ok with her just having a lot of partners then the fact that she did it for money might not be as big of a deal. If she had 3 times as many partners as he thought and he's not ok with that, that's something different that's more difficult to deal with.


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Like most new posters, I'm new to this forum and I feel like I have no one to talk to. My wife and I have been together for 24 years, we dated for a year and have been married for 23 years. For the last 23 1/2 years this has been the most wonderful time of our lives. We have never had any issues for our past. We were both married twice before we met and both of our first spouses died at a early age do to drugs/alcohol addictions and our second spouses were just crazy. I was married for 7 years both times and my wife was married 3 years to the first spouse and 12 to the second. We both believe that we have married our soulmates and we are truly in love with each other. We love to spend as much time with one another because we feel so safe together. We have owned 3 businesses together and have worked together in all of them. When we got married we couldn't have children, she had 2 daughters and I had to 2 sons and 2 daughters, 1 son and 1 daughter lived with me and the other 2 lived with their mom and my wife had 1 daughter living with her and her oldest daughter had just got married. Our families merged together as one, the kids get along great and over the years we now have 12 grand kids. About 10 years ago we adopted 4 boys and now there is only one left at home. Through the years my wife and I have always found time for one another and we have always stayed close and intimate with each other, and yes, I feel like I'm living my dream.
> 
> Okay, now the problem started about 6 months ago. We were out having dinner one night and on the way home we started talking about our ex's and some of the things that they would do just to make things bad and how her and I are so different in the way that we treat each other and how we always try to make each other happy. Then out of the blue my wife tells me that she use to work for an escort service, I said what??? She said it happened 12 years before we met, it was after her first EX and before her second. She said that she never had sex with any of the guys because she was already paid just to go on the date but she did do some freelance work and did have sex for money. I was and still in shock over this. She asked me "would you have sex for $100 or even $500?". As I'm writing this I'm still in disbelief because she was telling me about someone that I have never met. She said that this went on for about 6 months and that she stayed drunk for most of that time and she doesn't count that period of time of her life. I didn't want to know any of the gory details but I did asked how many guys? She said that she really didn't know so I asked her to guess and she said probably 15 because she had a lot of "repeat offenders". I believe that she lowered the number for my sake but she has never lied to me before, no matter the answer good or bad. I asked her why wait almost 24 years to tell me? She said that I'm the first person that she has told and that she has not trusted anyone before me not even her sister who she is very close to.
> 
> ...


 If you don?t mind me asking, how old are you both? I think what troubles you the most is the secret that she kept. Sure u want to know what else is there. There is a reason why she is telling you now. There could be layers and layers to it and maybe another secret about to be revealed. Watch closely. U didn?t say anything about your sexual life with her. Secrecy kills relationships. Being made fun of hurts too much.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can tell you that my hb engaged in a lot of such behavior ands it honestly makes me feel like I'm one in a long line. I don't respect it at all.


Yes, this is kind of the way I feel right now.



samyeagar said:


> And this leads to the question...It used to be her distant past, but it is now their present. Why now? Why out of the blue? What got her thinking about it again after such a long time?


I asked her that same question, I thought there was going to be more but she told me there was nothing else and that I now know everything about her.



CharlieParker said:


> I think I’d tend to agree about the money not mattering. I wonder if there was a premarital discussion about the number past lovers and if the professional encounters were counted in that number. That knowledge would matter more to me. (FTR, my wife disclosed she was “very experienced” well before marriage, I was ok but was glad to know about it.)


We did have the talk while we were dating and what she disclosed was about a handful more partners than myself, the professional encounters were not included. When I told her about mine she did say something like "that's all, wow, you're still new"



lifeistooshort said:


> I totally agree. We all want a partner whose values mesh with ours.....I was only suggesting that he consider what it is that actually bothers him. I think that might help him deal with it.
> 
> If he'd be ok with her just having a lot of partners then the fact that she did it for money might not be as big of a deal. If she had 3 times as many partners as he thought and he's not ok with that, that's something different that's more difficult to deal with.


The money and the number both bother me but what really gets to me is that she waited until now. It kind of clouds up everything that we have done and muddied up our memories, well, my memories anyway.



Bianca Stella said:


> If you don?t mind me asking, how old are you both? I think what troubles you the most is the secret that she kept. Sure u want to know what else is there. There is a reason why she is telling you now. There could be layers and layers to it and maybe another secret about to be revealed. Watch closely. U didn?t say anything about your sexual life with her. Secrecy kills relationships. Being made fun of hurts too much.


We are both 56, our birthdays are just a few days apart. I've had a gut feeling that there was more but she has assured me there is nothing else. I have no reason to doubt her.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If she had told you before you married, would you have?


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> The money and the number both bother me but what really gets to me is that she waited until now. It kind of clouds up everything that we have done and muddied up our memories, well, my memories anyway.
> 
> 
> 
> We are both 56, our birthdays are just a few days apart. I've had a gut feeling that there was more but she has assured me there is nothing else.* I have no reason to doubt her*.


Except she hid something for years.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Malaise said:


> If she had told you before you married, would you have?


Yes I would, our relationship was new and she was doing things (not sexual) that were just amazing.



Malaise said:


> Except she hid something for years.


I would like to think that she hid them to not hurt me.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@In_Shock, your wife is the same woman she always has been.

And you love her. The experiences she went through during that one short period of her life might have helped her become the woman you fell in love with and married.

You now just know more about her than you did before.

But she is still the same woman.

You are in shock and perhaps counselling might help you to get through this.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

But to be fair these "dump and run " confessions are truly a piece of crap....its like here you go not my problem any more....that is crap and she should be aware of that.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> We are both 56, our birthdays are just a few days apart. I've had a gut feeling that there was more but she has assured me there is nothing else. I have no reason to doubt her.


UM... she hasn't been the most open and honest.

You say she did this not to hurt you? How does she feel about it? 

How is your sex life? Does she have any issues with sex because of it?


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd recommend counseling. Your wife doesn't sound like she's willing or even emotionally/mentally capable of helping you deal with the bomb she dropped on you. For her, she's had decades to come to peace with her past. She's expecting you to feel about it how she does. She's not trying to grasp how this is all brand new for you and how it makes you question your relationship. 

I also fall under the camp that thinks she's probably hiding more. I seriously doubt she told everything there was to tell in one go. I bet she told you just enough to gauge your reaction and figured **** it that's enough. You might want to bring up a polygraph with her for your own peace of mind.

Anyway find a therapist. If you aren't going to leave and your wife isn't going to be much help for the time being, eventually you'll just have to find a way to live with it. Hell you already know your wife can.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well since divorce is off the table you will have to find a way to live “with this”. I sincerely doubt you can get over it. Just try and accept this happend but she has been a great wife and don’t dwell on it. If you can’t then it may not be your option to stay married. My guess is she will only tolerate this for so long


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> Yes I would, our relationship was new and she was doing things (not sexual) that were just amazing.
> 
> 
> 
> *I would like to think that she hid them to not hurt me*.


If that's true then the opposite must be true : that she revealed them to hurt you.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

Malaise said:


> If that's true then the opposite must be true : that she revealed them to hurt you.


She hid this for the same reason anyone hides anything:
FEAR

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> The big issue here is that she lied to him for the entire length of their marriage. She stole his option to break the engagement before they got married. If there is one person who should be given honesty it's your spouse.


Except..



In_Shock said:


> Also, she didn't completely lie. A month into dating when we realized that we might be getting serious we had a heart to heart talk on night talking about our past ex's, boyfriends/girlfriends etc. and *she did make a comment about there was 6 months of her past that she didn't count. I didn't press her although I did wonder about it for a couple of weeks at the time but then I forgot and nothing was ever mention again, until now.*


She didn't lie. When they discussed numbers, she specifically said there was a 6 month period she wasn't counting and OP failed to follow up. Honestly, when someone says "Oh, there were about 6 months I'm not counting..." you either ask for clarification or it's assumed it doesn't matter.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> Yes I would, our relationship was new and she was doing things (not sexual) that were just amazing.
> 
> *And you would have no problem marrying an ex-prostitute
> 
> *I would like to think that she hid them to not hurt me.


*So she knew you would find this hurtful*


----------



## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

GatorXP said:


> Your problem is not your partners past but your resistance to it. All of your partners life experiences were required to make her the person that your so fond of. Since you have no intentions of leaving. Accept and be happy you are the one in her life she finally found the courage to tell after so many years if not accepting her actions herself.
> Not counting stuff isn't really a thing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


What a bunch of bull****!

His wife was a PROSTITUTE! That needs to come out before marriage or it's built on a lie and deception. No man should be forced to marry a sex worker out of deception. This is not a "silly thing" or "his problem".


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP can you help clarify your timeline. You stated



> We are both 56, our birthdays are just a few days apart.





> My wife and I have been together for 24 years


Which means that you were 32 years old when you met. But then you state...



> my wife was married 3 years to the first spouse and 12 to the second.





> She said it happened 12 years before we met, it was after her first EX and before her second.


By my calculations, she was 17 years old (or younger) when she got married to her first husband, she divorced at 20, worked as an escort for 6 months and immediately after got remarried, divorced that husband at 32 and immediately remarried you the following year. Is that correct? 

You also stated that when you two got together 



> my wife had 1 daughter living with her and the oldest had just got married


This would have made the oldest daughter 16-17 years old, assuming my timeline is accurate. Is that correct?

36 years is a long time to have someone hold on to a secret like that. Do you know why she felt it necessary to tell you about it now?

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Could it have been a preemptive strike? You know, kind of like the way firefighters do a controlled burn before the wildfire comes roaring through. Were the beans about to be spilled somehow?


----------



## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> *This is why no good comes of talking about exes unless it's influencing your life now.*




Spot on lifeistooshort!. Words to live by. Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past, with an apology to the Las Vegas tourist and travel people.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> What a bunch of bull****!
> 
> His wife was a PROSTITUTE! That needs to come out before marriage or it's built on a lie and deception. No man should be forced to marry a sex worker out of deception. This is not a "silly thing" or "his problem".


The bottom line remains the same: you’re either awake or you’re not.One day, there it is. Nothing. No more enemies, no more battles.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You are and were her knight.
You both have failures . BOTH OF YOU.

She trusted you with her darkest secret and now you have total strangers call your wife a prostitute/*****.

How long has she held your trust, been totally devoted and faithful?

What if she had told you she was raped as a child and THEN became a prostitute. And then became a loving devoted wife and mother.

What if that was true and her shame prevented her telling you that secret. 



That change the game for everyone?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sandcastle said:


> You are and were her knight.
> You both have failures . BOTH OF YOU.
> 
> She trusted you with her darkest secret and now you have total strangers call your wife a prostitute/*****.
> ...


Taking emotion out of it, objectively speaking, she was a prostitute by any definition. Reasons for it does not change the fact. Enter emotion...and that's where this all becomes a mess for everyone involved.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Lila said:


> OP can you help clarify your timeline. You stated
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm away from my computer until later so I'm using my phone which I hate but I'll try to answer some of the questions. 
Yes, she was young when she married her first husband. They had both the children together. After their divorce and at the end of the 6 months escort life she decided she wanted better for her and the kids, her second husband was 16 years older than her and she saw him as being stable because of a job and owned a house and no, he wasn't a client. They met by accident, she had made a wrong call and while they were talking he told her that he remembered seeing her at this company function a few days earlier, he was a salesman and she was there with someone else.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Taking emotion out of it, objectively speaking, she was a prostitute by any definition. Reasons for it does not change the fact. Enter emotion...and that's where this all becomes a mess for everyone involved.



How many John's "forgot" to tell their fiancée /wives they were pumping and paying.


Objectively speaking- they were John's that could have been arrested, spread HEPC /HPV/Aids or lowly warts and had their uh- bad decisions splashed all over Daily Mail. Every "escort/ prostitute/ ***** requires a client. Probably 90 percent of these "clients" are decent and upstanding MARRIED MEN.


They choose to NOT come clean.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> I would like to think that she hid them to not hurt me.


It was to save her embarrassment. Your W does not talk about it and blanks that portion of her life out of her mind. Let say it was not your W proudest moment? 

I do not know many if any that talk of their less than proudest moment with anyone. Somethings are best put in a box in the recesses and left there to languish. Why your W brought it up now? Perhaps it has weighed on her for a long time.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Lila said:


> 36 years is a long time to have someone hold on to a secret like that. Do you know why she felt it necessary to tell you about it now?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


No I don't. When I asked her why now she said that we were having a deep, serious talk and she just felt the need. Over the past 24 years we have had lots of deep, serious talks and she never felt the need to say anything until now.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

I respect and admire your wife for feeling safe to tell you- her husband and partner and best friend. That says something about YOU. And the man she trusts with her soul. 

Go be THAT man.


She was laying a trap, gearing up for the affair reveal?????????????????who would be THAT STUPID?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sandcastle said:


> How many John's "forgot" to tell their fiancée /wives they were pumping and paying.
> 
> 
> Objectively speaking- they were John's that could have been arrested, spread HEPC /HPV/Aids or lowly warts and had their uh- bad decisions splashed all over Daily Mail. Every "escort/ prostitute/ ***** requires a client. Probably 90 percent of these "clients" are decent and upstanding MARRIED MEN.
> ...


STD's are at an all time high. 


Prostitutes don't need to be involved to spread STD's.

Just saying.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> I respect and admire your wife for feeling safe to tell you- her husband and partner and best friend. That says something about YOU. And the man she trusts with her soul.
> 
> Go be THAT man.
> 
> ...



Thanks, that's what I want to do. I know I have to get past this I'm just at a lost having to do it alone. We have ALWAYS been there for each other and now I feel like I've been left alone to deal with it on my own. The last time I brought it up was about a month ago to ask a couple of questions and she really seemed to get irritated, she did answer the questions. I know at some point she will feel like I'm pressuring her.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

So true! 
Great point!


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> sandcastle said:
> 
> 
> > How many John's "forgot" to tell their fiancée /wives they were pumping and paying.
> ...


FWI, The work that we do we have to be drug tested every year and a few years ago the tech taking the specimens asked if we wanted to be checked for STDs we laughed but said okay, we checked out clean.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Thanks, that's what I want to do. I know I have to get past this I'm just at a lost having to do it alone. We have ALWAYS been there for each other and now I feel like I've been left alone to deal with it on my own. The last time I brought it up was about a month ago to ask a couple of questions and she really seemed to get irritated, she did answer the questions. I know at some point she will feel like I'm pressuring her.


It took her this long to sort it out herself and then find the courage to tell you. She is going to be defensive since she knows you have an issue. Don't drag your feet...get it out in the light...reassure her your only goal is to understand and accept. I'm assuming you know by now how to get her to drop the defenses

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> Thanks, that's what I want to do. I know I have to get past this I'm just at a lost having to do it alone. We have ALWAYS been there for each other and now I feel like I've been left alone to deal with it on my own. The last time I brought it up was about a month ago to ask a couple of questions and she really seemed to get irritated, she did answer the questions. I know at some point she will feel like I'm pressuring her.


You need to look at this way, your W is now so totally comfortable with you that she can truly open up and tell you all that is inside. For many, a marriage never gets to that point. Your W, as a result of pure trust and believing you will not be judgmental offered up a piece of her life that she was not proud of. I would be shocked certainly, but I would also be on another plain of existence with my W or as some say, "soul mate." Don't be the judgmental person she hoped you would not be. Not many witness their spouse truly open their soul. Embrace it.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> Thanks, that's what I want to do. I know I have to get past this I'm just at a lost having to do it alone. We have ALWAYS been there for each other and now I feel like I've been left alone to deal with it on my own. The last time I brought it up was about a month ago to ask a couple of questions and she really seemed to get irritated, she did answer the questions. I know at some point she will feel like I'm pressuring her.


But you are not alone- you have her. HER.

This was so long ago and had NOTHING to do with you.

Embrace the rest of your life with the Woman who loves you, has proven herself to have your back, has been your partner in raising so many children and sounds like someone who will be by your side till the end.

She was a frightened child back then. Don't bring those fears up again. You CAN move past this.

She adores and trusts you.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> You need to look at this way, your W is now so totally comfortable with you that she can truly open up and tell you all that is inside. For many, a marriage never gets to that point. Your W, as a result of pure trust and believing you will not be judgmental offered up a piece of her life that she was not proud of. I would be shocked certainly, but I would also be on another plain of existence with my W or as some say, "soul mate." Don't be the judgmental person she hoped you would not be. Not many witness their spouse truly open their soul. Embrace it.


Lets also not confuse emotional discomfort with judgement.

This is one hell of a bombshell no matter how one slices it, and will understandably cause confusion, discomfort, and hurt in most people who would happen to be on the receiving end of it. I think it is likely an absolute necessity to get into professional counseling, especially since the wife does not seem to fully grasp the impact of this, and isn't terribly willing or able to show the empathy he needs. She has had decades to process, work through, bury, forget all this. He has not.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> She adores and trusts you.


This is key. Your W is totally open to you. Nothing she does for you or says from this point on is superficial. It the true her. 

Took me 23 years for my W to truly open up to me. Marriage went to a new level. Sure, I was not given information as your W. My W did have a tidbit of info. But after 23 years it did not matter. My W got it off her mind.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Lets also not confuse emotional discomfort with judgement.
> 
> This is one hell of a bombshell no matter how one slices it, and will understandably cause confusion, discomfort, and hurt in most people who would happen to be on the receiving end of it. I think it is likely an absolute necessity to get into professional counseling, especially since the wife does not seem to fully grasp the impact of this, and isn't terribly willing or able to show the empathy he needs. She has had decades to process, work through, bury, forget all this. He has not.


Emotions cause discomfort at times. Sometime contentment. The discomfort affords an opportunity to judge. Anyone divulging personal information is going to be judged. We are only human.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In_Shock said:


> I'm away from my computer until later so I'm using my phone which I hate but I'll try to answer some of the questions.
> Yes, she was young when she married her first husband. They had both the children together. After their divorce and at the end of the 6 months escort life she decided she wanted better for her and the kids, her second husband was 16 years older than her and she saw him as being stable because of a job and owned a house and no, he wasn't a client. They met by accident, she had made a wrong call and while they were talking he told her that he remembered seeing her at this company function a few days earlier, he was a salesman and she was there with someone else.


When I was 17 I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. I gave birth at 18. I married her father to "do the right thing" just after my 19th birthday. My ex was a POS. No way around that. Wouldn't/couldn't keep a job, was a drunk and would do whatever other drugs that happened to be available, had his mom paying the bills most months, on and on. We had a 2nd daughter during the marriage. The marriage was a sham, an epic disaster, complete with abuse of all kinds and multiple affairs on both sides. When I was 24, I met a man and fell in love. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd become hopeless and apathetic. I was in a dark place and just gave up. Meeting the love of my life shocked me out of it and I knew I had to make changes. Even if I didn't end up with him. When I left at 24 I was suddenly faced with providing for two young children, then ages 6 and 1, with no car, no job training, and an education that could be summed up in 3 letters...GED. I knew my POS ex certainly wasn't going to actually pay his child support and that left 100% of the financial responsibility on me. It's nearly 18 years later, the girls are 24 and 18 now, and exPOS never paid a dime.

When you're a reasonably attractive young woman who is desperate for cash to feed, house, and clothe her children...let me tell you, the idea of exchanging sex for money doesn't seem so outlandish. Lord knows I considered it. Thankfully, I was involved in a relationship with a man who was willing to take responsibility for me and my kids. Otherwise, I may have had a history of sex work myself.

Your wife's situation sounds a bit familiar. Young, POS exH, kids to support. Did she turn to sex work in order to support her babies? If so, the only thing this says about her as a person is that she is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for those she loves.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

@MJJEAN

Thanks for sharing that post. I had a similar impression here but had no direct experience to relate. Your tale is both illuminating and enlightening.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Let's say you are a young boy- and the next door kid or the uncle or the babysitter or whomever-

Molests you. 

And you keep that shame a secret forever. And it affects your life in ways that no one but you understand.

And one day- you feel safe to tell your partner.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> In_Shock said:
> 
> 
> > I'm away from my computer until later so I'm using my phone which I hate but I'll try to answer some of the questions.
> ...


Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses. 

All this I couldn't have done it without her.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> How much intimate value can one assign to sex if they engage in such behavior?
> 
> I can tell you that my hb engaged in a lot of such behavior ands it honestly makes me feel like I'm one in a long line. I don't respect it at all.
> 
> He clearly doesn't view sex as intimate as I do so how can I be that special? It's not good for the marriage at all.




For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.

Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.

Your husband may very well view sex _with you_ as a deeply intimate and special act.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

In_Shock said:


> No I don't. When I asked her why now she said that we were having a deep, serious talk and she just felt the need. Over the past 24 years we have had lots of deep, serious talks and she never felt the need to say anything until now.


I can understand the shock after finding out because you had an image of your wife's past in your mind for many years. When finding out that the image was wrong, it is tough. However, I did some things when I was in my early 20's that I'm not proud of and it does not affect of who I am today. 

Always remind yourself that your wife has been a good wife for more than 20 years and she seems to love you. Therefore your wife still is a good person and a wonderful wife.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.
> 
> Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.
> 
> Your husband may very well view sex _with you_ as a deeply intimate and special act.


How can one who is the partner of one who separates the two tell the difference? Especially if they never have separated the two?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In_Shock said:


> Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses.
> 
> All this I couldn't have done it without her.


Does your wife compartmentalize well? People who have been through rough times and made it out tend to compartmentalize well. This can be a very good trait. It can also be terrible. Some use their compartmentalization skills to make their lives better. Others, not so much. It sounds like your wife has been to rock bottom, a place most people will never see, and clawed her way out. She took the coping skills she developed and did whatever was necessary to make her life better and to help make the lives of those she loves better, too.

I think your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. Loving, loyal, hard working, intelligent, with compassionate heart and gentle soul. So what if she worked as a prostitute for a time more than a generation ago? If she has loved you well, physically and emotionally, it doesn't matter.

I think, deep down, you never followed up on her "not counting 6 months" comment because you didn't want to know because maybe you suspected you wouldn't like what you'd hear. Then, so many years later, she told you anyways. You deeply love her, aren't leaving her, and letting this eat away at you serves no purpose. I think your best chance at acceptance is to recognize that her past experiences are part of what made her into who she is, cannot be changed, and cannot mar or tarnish the life you've shared.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> How can one who is the partner of one who separates the two tell the difference? Especially if they never have separated the two?


I can tell when my wife is looking for deep connection in sex and when she's just looking to get freaky. It's actually quite obvious.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses.
> 
> All this I couldn't have done it without her.


Seems like you know the path OP. 
Now you need to get your ego out of the way and let yourself walk it.

As you can tell by some of the post itt that wouldnt even be close to possible for many people. If I was a betting man I'd say you'll get there.

Start with Intent.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> When I was 17 I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. I gave birth at 18. I married her father to "do the right thing" just after my 19th birthday. My ex was a POS. No way around that. Wouldn't/couldn't keep a job, was a drunk and would do whatever other drugs that happened to be available, had his mom paying the bills most months, on and on. We had a 2nd daughter during the marriage. The marriage was a sham, an epic disaster, complete with abuse of all kinds and multiple affairs on both sides. When I was 24, I met a man and fell in love. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd become hopeless and apathetic. I was in a dark place and just gave up. Meeting the love of my life shocked me out of it and I knew I had to make changes. Even if I didn't end up with him. When I left at 24 I was suddenly faced with providing for two young children, then ages 6 and 1, with no car, no job training, and an education that could be summed up in 3 letters...GED. I knew my POS ex certainly wasn't going to actually pay his child support and that left 100% of the financial responsibility on me. It's nearly 18 years later, the girls are 24 and 18 now, and exPOS never paid a dime.
> 
> When you're a reasonably attractive young woman who is desperate for cash to feed, house, and clothe her children...let me tell you, the idea of exchanging sex for money doesn't seem so outlandish. Lord knows I considered it. Thankfully, I was involved in a relationship with a man who was willing to take responsibility for me and my kids. Otherwise, I may have had a history of sex work myself.
> 
> Your wife's situation sounds a bit familiar. Young, POS exH, kids to support. Did she turn to sex work in order to support her babies? If so, the only thing this says about her as a person is that she is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for those she loves.


This is a good post. I certainly see the difference in being a sex worker because you are desperate and say paying off collage loans. But the truth is it's up to OP it's also quite understandable that it's a hard thing to get used to at first.

OP from the sounds of it you love your wife. Let it go if you can. People do dumb stuff. Has she hurt you? Doesn't sound like it, accept for maybe not telling you. But she did now. Compared to the crappy people you read about on here she is golden.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.
> 
> Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.
> 
> Your husband may very well view sex _with you_ as a deeply intimate and special act.


This is an important distinction that I think people should talk about before they get married. To me it's a problem when two people feel different. I am also not talking about the type of person who holds their partner to a different standard then their own. Your actions in this regard show how you really feel. Meaning don't pretend like you were waiting for love, expect your partner to, when you have a very high count. That's crap and you are just insecure. My wife and I feel the same way and both of us could count on one hand our sex partners. I also never feel jelous about it anyway. 

In this case though it sounds like OP and his wife were on the same page here. It's not like she pretended to be a the type that waits for love to have sex. I just think it's going to take time to get used to.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Raises hand, judges people by their actions every day all day long. Just like everyone else in the world. The idea that we shouldn't judge people by their actions is a silly. Good luck with that. Feel free to judge me. 0


1. Your doing wrong.
2. Cuz everybody does? Ya that makes it ok.
3. The person yall are looking to judge no longer exists. This didn't happen last week. 


Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GatorXP said:


> 1. Your doing wrong.
> 2. Cuz everybody does? Ya that makes it ok.
> 3. The person yall are looking to judge no longer exists. This didn't happen last week.
> 
> ...


Who did I judge here exactly? What person? 

It's OK because it's OK. Why would I feel guilty about it. You do it too though you are acting all high and mighty about it (doing it in this post and the last, though I guess you don't see the irony). It's human nature, how do we make decisions about who to let in and out of our lives without judging people, how stupid we would all be not to. Again the idea that you shouldn't judge people is postmodern nonsense Probably made up by some ******* who didn't want to be judged on their doucheness.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Who did I judge here exactly? What person?
> 
> It's OK because it's OK. Why would I feel guilty about it. You do it too though you are acting all high and mighty about it (doing it in this post and the last, though I guess you don't see the irony). It's human nature, how do we make decisions about who to let in and out of our lives without judging people, how stupid we would all be not to. Again the idea that you shouldn't judge people is postmodern nonsense Probably made up by some ******* who didn't want to be judged on their doucheness.


Unfortunately, the word "judge" has become a word others use to shame people, much like the word "shallow". Perhaps a better word with a less negative connotation would be "evaluate". I don't often judge people, but I do evaluate them.


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> You need to look at this way, your W is now so totally comfortable with you that she can truly open up and tell you all that is inside. For many, a marriage never gets to that point. Your W, as a result of pure trust and believing you will not be judgmental offered up a piece of her life that she was not proud of. I would be shocked certainly, but I would also be on another plain of existence with my W or as some say, "soul mate." Don't be the judgmental person she hoped you would not be. Not many witness their spouse truly open their soul. Embrace it.


SHE gets a pat on the back for being deceitful for two decades until SHE decides HE'S trustworthy enough for her to disclose and now HE should feel grateful? This is beyond BS.

If OP's wife had anything honorable about her she would have volunteered this information before OP even had a chance to fall for her.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TAM2013 said:


> SHE gets a pat on the back for being deceitful for two decades until SHE decides HE'S trustworthy enough for her to disclose and now HE should feel grateful? This is beyond BS.
> 
> If OP's wife had anything honorable about her she would have volunteered this information before OP even had a chance to fall for her.


Yep- and I'm sure your So's told you about their AMP experiences when they were 18.

Yikes-


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TAM2013 said:


> SHE gets a pat on the back for being deceitful for two decades until SHE decides HE'S trustworthy enough for her to disclose and now HE should feel grateful? This is beyond BS.
> 
> If OP's wife had anything honorable about her she would have volunteered this information before OP even had a chance to fall for her.


The W was not deceitful. OP stated way back when the W said there was 6 months she would like to forget. OP did not pursue what it was. There was no deceit in my mind. Further, do we discount the past 23 years of faithfulness in all aspects of the marriage? And who are you to judge? If it were anything else other than prostitution would it make a difference? If so, why? How?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> The W was not deceitful. OP stated way back when the W said there was 6 months she would like to forget. OP did not pursue what it was. There was no deceit in my mind. Further, do we discount the past 23 years of faithfulness in all aspects of the marriage? And who are you to judge? If it were anything else other than prostitution would it make a difference? If so, why? How?


Of course we can't, or at least shouldn't discount the past 23 years, and for me, a good, solid, happy 23 years of marriage would certainly outweigh this bombshell. That does not mean however that it would completely dismiss or minimize the bombshell. Finding out something like that, for most people, is never going to be an easy thing that just makes one go "Huh, neat." and continue on without batting an eye.

My wife has some pretty effed up stuff in her past, at least on par with this. Some of it was told to me early on in our relationship, others that just happened to come up later on out of no where. The good in her and our relationship certainly outweighed the things she told me, but damn, in the moment, and for a good while afterwards, the visceral reaction was like a good solid kick in the gut. Fortunately for us, she was aware enough, caring and compassionate enough, empathetic enough to actively help me process things that she had long made her own peace with, because she realized that she was the reason that her past had become my present.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Of course we can't, or at least shouldn't discount the past 23 years, and for me, a good, solid, happy 23 years of marriage would certainly outweigh this bombshell. That does not mean however that it would completely dismiss or minimize the bombshell. Finding out something like that, for most people, is never going to be an easy thing that just makes one go "Huh, neat." and continue on without batting an eye.
> 
> My wife has some pretty effed up stuff in her past, at least on par with this. Some of it was told to me early on in our relationship, others that just happened to come up later on out of no where. The good in her and our relationship certainly outweighed the things she told me, but damn, in the moment, and for a good while afterwards, the visceral reaction was like a good solid kick in the gut. Fortunately for us, she was aware enough, caring and compassionate enough, empathetic enough to actively help me process things that she had long made her own peace with, because she realized that she was the reason that her past had become my present.


Oh no, certainly do not minimize the bombshell. Definitely not a "neat" story type of response. But I do not think this is an issue where D should be started. Others will of course. But, as I said, the OP W did state while dating that there was 6 months she would like to forget. OP did not pursue any further. 


My W was similar to yours. Some "really over the top stuff" that almost made me walk. However, I accessed how she was at the time of dating. I gave it time to see if what I was presented was the true person. We too had to process one portion of her life before me. Her family members kept bringing it up. They thought it was a great story. It only embarrassed my W and made my mind wonder when her family talked about it over dinner almost monthly. Not until I stepped in and said enough.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Oh no, certainly do not minimize the bombshell. Definitely not a "neat" story type of response. But I do not think this is an issue where D should be started. Others will of course. But, as I said, the OP W did state while dating that there was 6 months she would like to forget. OP did not pursue any further.
> 
> 
> My W was similar to yours. Some "really over the top stuff" that almost made me walk. However, I accessed how she was at the time of dating. I gave it time to see if what I was presented was the true person. We too had to process one portion of her life before me. Her family members kept bringing it up. They thought it was a great story. It only embarrassed my W and made my mind wonder when her family talked about it over dinner almost monthly. Not until I stepped in and said enough.


There was one thing in particular that about made me walk, and I'm not sure my wife knows just how close I was.

I agree that this isn't something I would consider divorce worthy, though I can understand how it might feel that way for some people, and ultimately the choice is theirs.

In this situation, I'm glad to see that divorce is not really on the table at this point, however, I really think the wife needs to do everything she can to help her husband come to terms with this, and understand this, at least in such a way that he can put it to rest. He also needs to be understanding and keep the focus on how this is affecting him, and ensure that he is not lashing out in hurt and anger and attacking her, and not putting her on the defensive. She needs to be open and understanding and not being reflexively defensive and shutting him down, because this is ultimately something she caused in the here and now, and she has a responsibility to her husband and her marriage to help fix it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Except..
> 
> She didn't lie. When they discussed numbers, she specifically said there was a 6 month period she wasn't counting and OP failed to follow up. Honestly, when someone says "Oh, there were about 6 months I'm not counting..." you either ask for clarification or it's assumed it doesn't matter.


I agree with this. They were interviewing one another for the marriage job. At that point she most likely would have spilled the info had he pressed her to tell him more. She unlocked the door but he didn't open it. He chose to skim over the record and not ask to see the fine print. It is hard for me to find her at fault here. 

Look when you are seriously thinking of marrying someone, of investing your future well-being in that person, then it behooves you to dig a bit into their past to make sure they are a good fit for you. If I'm going to buy a used car I want to see the repair history and BlueBook appraisal. 

Refusal to be open and honest is always a disqualifier as far as I am concerned, but I do not see where she refused honesty. He didn't press, so she felt it didn't matter to him. 

What I do think is that she suffered a momentary lapse of common sense when she told him. If she is to be punished, she should be punished for stupidity...for flapping her jaws. I don't buy that it had anything to do with the weight of the truth bearing down on her all those years. Baloney. It sounds to me like they were having just a normal, lighthearted discussion like most married people do, and her parking brake malfunctioned and she shot her mouth off about something that she should have never mentioned. Maybe it was because she felt safe with him, but to me that is a lazy excuse.

His fault lies in the past. Her fault lies in the present. They are both at fault. They need to get into marriage counseling to hash this out and put it in the past where it belongs. This is not worth throwing away a quarter century of good relationship. Good marriages are rare enough, and I'd hate to see this one swirl down the drain because she couldn't keep her yapper shut.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I think you have a right to be upset that she didn't disclose her brief history as a sex worker. She should have told you she was a sex worker before you married, preferably early-ish during the dating phase. That said, she was fresh out of a marriage to an addict, an alcoholic herself, and she made some choices many people would take issue with while she was in a very bad place, not thinking clearly, and basically a giant hot mess. She moved past that phase, she got remarried and went through a 2nd divorce, she met you, and seems to have been an excellent wife, mother, stepmother, adoptive mother, grandmother, and business partner.
> 
> So, my question is what is the real problem? What is the thing that is gnawing at you and that you can't let go of yet? Is it that she had sex with XX number of men? Is it that the sex was in exchange for money? Is it that she didn't disclose her sex work? All of the above? Have you thought of going to a marriage counselor or individual counselor to discuss it and learn to cope?


I will tag along...
I will dove tail...
I will expand and sing my song...

As men..
As men we hold women to high standards, *hold them, initially, not to light.*

If by chance they "Stand in the Truthful Light" and we can see through their veil, their negligee.
If we can peek at their essence, their exxsence, and OMG, it is off-center, tilted, askew, we close our eyes, we blink. 
Try to imagine, re-imagine, recreate the new image to match the old...one.

Men want women to be perfect.
Men want women to be perfect "for them". Chaste, yet hot, glistening, warm and bubbly. A best friend, a best lover.

And what do these men get? Another human being with different body parts, different dreams.

When a man's women becomes yet another ***** in the moral armor of life...he is crushed.
And then he grows up and he is bitter.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think some of this would also be what are her feelings about the time. Does she think it's not a big deal or what it an act of desperation that she wishes she didn't have to do. To me that would really be even more important then the circumstances. If she thought it wasn't a big deal I would have a hard time with that because that is not how I think about sex for money. But maybe OP feels differently.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> The W was not deceitful. OP stated way back when the W said *there was 6 months she would like to forget*. OP did not pursue what it was. There was no deceit in my mind. Further, do we discount the past 23 years of faithfulness in all aspects of the marriage? And who are you to judge? If it were anything else other than prostitution would it make a difference? If so, why? How?


She didn't use the word forget, she said that she doesn't count. And yes, at the time I thought if it's no bid deal to her then move on. When I told her about my past there were things that I was not proud of and really embarrassed about and she just said I don't see those things in you. I have always told her how she is my princess and that just being with her makes me feel like a prince and she always says I can't live up to those standards and I just tell her to keep being herself, it's not hard. Funny thing is, when she did tell me of the past she did say "see, I'm not what you think". I told her that all I know is of the last 24 years which have been great.



bandit.45 said:


> I agree with this. They were interviewing one another for the marriage job. At that point she most likely would have spilled the info had he pressed her to tell him more. She unlocked the door but he didn't open it. He chose to skim over the record and not ask to see the fine print. It is hard for me to find her at fault here.
> 
> Look when you are seriously thinking of marrying someone, of investing your future well-being in that person, then it behooves you to dig a bit into their past to make sure they are a good fit for you. If I'm going to buy a used car I want to see the repair history and BlueBook appraisal.
> 
> ...


I see both points that you point out. I don't want to punish her for anything, she's to good for that. I just want to look past this because the last 24 years blows this little flub out of the water. She has been true to me in every aspect of our relationship and as I look back I still can't figure out how I ended up with such a wonderful person. She deserves the best that I can give and that is what I want to give her. That is why I want to get past this as fast as I can.



sokillme said:


> I think some of this would also be what are her feelings about the time. Does she think it's not a big deal or what it an act of desperation that she wishes she didn't have to do. To me that would really be even more important then the circumstances. If she thought it wasn't a big deal I would have a hard time with that because that is not how I think about sex for money. But maybe OP feels differently.


She has never said that it was no big deal. She has said that she wished it never happened and that all of the guys didn't mean anything, she did say something like rich guys are real ***holes.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> How can one who is the partner of one who separates the two tell the difference? Especially if they never have separated the two?


Generally, it's not casual if there have been declarations of love and exclusivity. Of course, the best way to know for sure is to simply ask!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> She didn't use the word forget, she said that she doesn't count. And yes, at the time I thought if it's no bid deal to her then move on. When I told her about my past there were things that I was not proud of and really embarrassed about and she just said I don't see those things in you. I have always told her how she is my princess and that just being with her makes me feel like a prince and she always says I can't live up to those standards and I just tell her to keep being herself, it's not hard. Funny thing is, when she did tell me of the past she did say "see, I'm not what you think". I told her that all I know is of the last 24 years which have been great.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess do your morals on this line up. That is my point I think.

However it's pretty clear you love her. How much of this is shock to see her in such a vulnerable position?


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Of course we can't, or at least shouldn't discount the past 23 years, and for me, a good, solid, happy 23 years of marriage would certainly outweigh this bombshell. That does not mean however that it would completely dismiss or minimize the bombshell. Finding out something like that, for most people, is never going to be an easy thing that just makes one go "Huh, neat." and continue on without batting an eye.
> 
> My wife has some pretty effed up stuff in her past, at least on par with this. Some of it was told to me early on in our relationship, others that just happened to come up later on out of no where. The good in her and our relationship certainly outweighed the things she told me, but damn, in the moment, and for a good while afterwards, the visceral reaction was like a good solid kick in the gut. Fortunately for us, she was aware enough, caring and compassionate enough, empathetic enough to actively help me process things that she had long made her own peace with, because she realized that she was the reason that her past had become my present.




I think we should add a button to how someone can say they like a post, such as an excellent post button. This post is awesome.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In-shock

From what I gather about your posts, intimacy is something that isn't given away or bought with money. Twenty four years of being married and you find yourself in this quandary. In my job we look for patterns, repeat behavior, and ones past to find what one may be inclined to do. Not all people are the same, some people change, and we hope that change is for the better. I think in your case your wife did change, and from what I see a much better change. Put yourself in her shoes for just a moment, would you just openly explain those six months with someone you were dating? I'm not saying what she did is right, but had she told you, would you have married her? If it was you and not her, do you think she would have married you?

She didn't just not tell you, she told you she had six months that didn't count. Obviously you never imagined she was capable of this, so she changed herself enough from when you were dating to a good person. Twenty four years later and she is everything to you, a change that has lasted and endured for quite some time. She had two bad marriages just as you, but she has persevered in her changing of herself. I think this is very commendable of her and speaks highly to who she is today. I see prostitutes and escorts, and not many can fool a prospective mate for a length of time. Many, sadly, never escape and often are found dead in their late thirties and forties. Trust me I've been at far too many of these. 

As for intimacy, I think you have a higher value placed on it then she does. But I would also bet that intimacy has a far greater value for your wife today. In other words, she would probably never sell herself again because she has become a much better person. Her values are far higher, her self esteem much higher, her inner core much stronger. If I were you I would focus on what she is now, who she is now, and what she means to you. Your wife should be open and honest in talking with you, this is not something she can be defensive or irritated about. She should be understanding of your feelings and emotions, she should be placing herself in your shoes. I certainly hope she is open and willing to help you through this time. 

I think IC and possibly MC should be considered seriously. This would be for you both as you work your way through this nuclear bomb. Best of luck to you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The thread jack and arguing stops NOW. I'm going to clean up this thread. If it continues, you two are getting a week's time-out ban. 

Boy does it annoy me to see adults act like this. You are adults, right? Not sure.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> She didn't use the word forget, she said that she doesn't count. And yes, at the time I thought if it's no bid deal to her then move on. When I told her about my past there were things that I was not proud of and really embarrassed about and she just said I don't see those things in you. I have always told her how she is my princess and that just being with her makes me feel like a prince and she always says I can't live up to those standards and I just tell her to keep being herself, it's not hard. Funny thing is, when she did tell me of the past she did say "see, I'm not what you think". I told her that all I know is of the last 24 years which have been great.


For me, "does not count" would leave me curious and questioning. However, I just simply let what was before me stay were it is. The past(my W) before me has no real bearing on what I know of my W today. What my W was up to before we met almost made me walk. But again, I had to let it go as the past (my W and mine) I cannot change. I accepted and let the cards fall as they may. Like you, 24 years later what happened in the past before me amounts to a hill of beans. In time, you will see this as well in your W and marriage. You know the last 24 years has been great. That is all you need to know because the next 24 will be better than great.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In_Shock did your wife have her daughters during her first marriage or second marriage? What I'm asking is, did the need for money to support herself and her kids come into play in her decision to be an escort?


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> In_Shock did your wife have her daughters during her first marriage or second marriage? What I'm asking is, did the need for money to support herself and her kids come into play in her decision to be an escort?


Yes, she had both children with first husband


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> TAM2013 said:
> 
> 
> > SHE gets a pat on the back for being deceitful for two decades until SHE decides HE'S trustworthy enough for her to disclose and now HE should feel grateful? This is beyond BS.
> ...


As I'm going back reading this, yes, I chose not to open the door, I respected what she said. I think she should have respected my decision of not opening it because I was focusing on the here and now

EDIT: I also want to add that she has done nothing in the last 24 yrs that has caused any negative impact on our marriage. I feel and believe that she is giving 120% to our relationship the entire time that is why I'm so in love with her. She deserves the best and I want to be the one that gives it to her.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

But prostitution isn't the sort of activity anyone would suspect their spouse of, when she said she had 6 months that don't count did you really think she had been an escort.

Do you believe she was sincerely into you sexually during your marriage or do you feel she was using her professional expertise and acting skills. 

Did you ask her how often she thought about telling you?

The timeline for recovery is usually 2 to 5 years from the time you get the last detail or uncover the last lie, so I would recommend getting a polygraph.

Tamat


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> But prostitution isn't the sort of activity anyone would suspect their spouse of, when she said she had 6 months that don't count did you really think she had been an escort.
> 
> Do you believe she was sincerely into you sexually during your marriage or do you feel she was using her professional expertise and acting skills.
> 
> ...


Yes, she is sincerely into me sexually and it is still ongoing 

I never asked her how often she thought about telling me.

I don't see a polygraph being necessary, that would just tell her that I don't trust her and the fact is I do trust her completely.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Yes, she is sincerely into me sexually and it is still ongoing
> 
> I don't see a polygraph being necessary, that would just tell her that I don't trust her and the fact is I do trust her completely.




Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> As I'm going back reading this, yes, I chose not to open the door, I respected what she said. I think she should have respected my decision of not opening it because I was focusing on the here and now
> 
> EDIT: I also want to add that she has done nothing in the last 24 yrs that has caused any negative impact on our marriage. I feel and believe that she is giving 120% to our relationship the entire time that is why I'm so in love with her. She deserves the best and I want to be the one that gives it to her.


Just get some counseling. You seem to have a good wife who loves you. Compare that to some of the other poor souls on here whose SOs treat them terrible. No one deserves to have their whole personhood judged on the worst actions or responses to situations or whatever you want to call it. Besides that it's not like any of these actions were directed at you. 

The bottom line maybe you need to figure out what you issue is. Maybe it's you need to get over your wife for not living up to the image you had of her. Or is it her being a sex worker somehow diminishes her as a mate in your eyes? Or are you traumatized by the thought of your wife being so vulnerable? Maybe you feel lied to. Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have married her. What really is your issue here?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> As I'm going back reading this, yes, I chose not to open the door, I respected what she said. I think she should have respected my decision of not opening it because I was focusing on the here and now
> 
> EDIT: I also want to add that she has done nothing in the last 24 yrs that has caused any negative impact on our marriage. I feel and believe that she is giving 120% to our relationship the entire time that is why I'm so in love with her. She deserves the best and I want to be the one that gives it to her.


In_Shock,

You W has been the model W, friend and mother. That counts for everything. The rest of it is nothing but static. Keep giving your W the best as she has given you for 24 years.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In_Shock said:


> Yes, she is sincerely into me sexually and it is still ongoing
> 
> I never asked her how often she thought about telling me.
> 
> I don't see a polygraph being necessary, that would just tell her that I don't trust her and the fact is I do trust her completely.


I suspect it has been on her mind quite a bit. My W had something held in for our 23 years of our marriage. Finally told me a few months ago. She never did tell me over the years as she was afraid how I would react. And I'm not sure why because what it was and how she handled it was perfect. I can assure you my W was relieved after all that time. I suspect you W is as well. 

It appears you are coming to terms with this, digesting and slowing moving on. That is a good thing. 


Concur. Totally unnecessary to polygraph.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Just get some counseling. You seem to have a good wife who loves you. Compare that to some of the other poor souls on here whose SOs treat them terrible. No one deserves to have their whole personhood judged on the worst actions or responses to situations or whatever you want to call it. Besides that it's not like any of these actions were directed at you.
> 
> *The bottom line maybe you need to figure out what you issue is.* Maybe it's you need to get over your wife for not living up to the image you had of her. Or is it her being a sex worker somehow diminishes her as a mate in your eyes? Or are you traumatized by the thought of your wife being so vulnerable? Maybe you feel lied to. Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have married her. What really is your issue here?


*Maybe it's you need to get over your wife for not living up to the image you had of her.* 
From the time that we met until now the image that I had of her she has lived above and beyond what I could ever imagined.

*being a sex worker somehow diminishes her as a mate in your eyes?*
Not sure with this one. I know that I'm still in shock knowing she was a sex worker.
I know she is my perfect mate, my soulmate. When we were 1 1/2 yrs into our marriage we took a trip to Jamaica and at the resort we stayed at they had this game and we signed up to play, it was like the newlywed game and we aced all the answers. I remember our answers to the questions being word for word.

*are you traumatized by the thought of your wife being so vulnerable?
*
Yes, this I know.

*Maybe you feel lied to.* - NO, I know she gave me the opportunity to ask questions when we had the talk when we were dating and knowing her the way that I do she would have answered them truthfully regardless of the outcome. 

*Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have married her.*
I always say no to this but I think that my answer is swayed because of our time together. I try to think back when we had the talk and if she would have told me then I believe I would have still stuck around to find out who she really was. * I think I would have questioned her more.*
This might be some of my issues. I do have questions in my mind that I would like to ask but I don't think any of the answers would help me that much because they are not going to change what happened 36 yrs ago and would I be opening any old wounds of hers and I wouldn't want her to think that I was trying to make her out to be a bad person because she is a good person who has a very caring and loving heart. I always think back to her ex's and the verbal abuse she took from them and how they always made her feel like nothing. I have not and will not say anything bad/negative about her to her face or to anyone else because I know she has a heart of gold.

I know that she knows that I haven't been myself lately, I would be a fool to think otherwise because she knows me just as I know her.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> - NO, I know she gave me the opportunity to ask questions when we had the talk when we were dating and knowing her the way that I do she would have answered them truthfully regardless of the outcome.
> 
> I know that she knows that I haven't been myself lately, I would be a fool to think otherwise because she knows me just as I know her.


Don't want to beat up your W or you OP but you have to admit ( your W also ) that asking her " Have you ever been an escort, sex worker, or prostitute?" would not be one of the typical questions posed.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

does she understand that she has been harboring this for decades and you only recently found out for the first time....does she get that it is taking time to work through? she shoudl make herself available to openly discuss things...

here is my other question what is it that you have the hardest problem with?

that she took money for sex?
that she may have done things with these men that she may not do with you?
that she never shared this with you at the beginning, regardless of the fact you would still have married her (but her not knowing that)


----------



## HerKnight (Oct 19, 2017)

You've gotten some great advice so far, so I don't have much to add. Your wife has placed complete trust in you to be able to reveal such a secret. This is an opportunity to grow even closer together, to make your marriage even more intimate than it's ever been. 

Working through the current discomfort you both must feel ain't gonna be easy, but will be well worth the journey. She's going to love you even more for accepting her past and for supporting her in the present moment. You're going to love her more than ever, knowing that she was willing to open up about the burden she's been carrying.

Very best wishes to you both!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> Yes, she had both children with first husband



Preface: I'm going off the assumption the first husband was a deadbeat loser. 

Ever seen the movie "Sands of Iwo Jima". John Wayne plays the company sergeant who is sent with the Marines to fight at Iwo Jima. While in Hawaii he meets a prostitute who he goes home with. Once at her house she leaves him to go freshen up, and while she is gone he sees a baby in a crib, and realizes the woman is most likely a war widow who is prostituting to make a living for herself and her child. He leaves a wad of money for her and makes a hasty exit before she comes back out. 

Now... I realize that there was food stamps and government assistance when your wife became a single mom, but I imagine her concern for those two little girls was a huge factor in her decision to be an escort. 

Not saying it's a good reason, but it is a reason. Just my two cents.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> does she understand that she has been harboring this for decades and you only recently found out for the first time....does she get that it is taking time to work through? she shoudl make herself available to openly discuss things...
> 
> here is my other question what is it that you have the hardest problem with?
> 
> ...


With in the first couple of weeks after she told me she didn't understand why I was having a hard time getting past it and the only way I could explain it to her was a timeline thing, I told her that her timeline it happened 36 years ago, my timeline it just happened and that I needed some time to work past it. I'm still not sure if she realizes to her it's been 36 years and it's the past. 

I don't have problem with the money for sex, it's the number of guys in such a short period of time and 15 is just a guess because she said that she really doesn't know and she was being very sincere. I Know I could sit down and probably get a rough estimate on how many per day, how many days a week but what good would it do me and how would she feel writing it all down just to have her face it all over again, I'm better than that. 

Some people on here may not understand why I'm looking out for her feelings even though what she told me hurt, but she didn't do it on purpose and I'm still protected of her, that's love.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> With in the first couple of weeks after she told me she didn't understand why I was having a hard time getting past it and the only way I could explain it to her was a timeline thing, I told her that her timeline it happened 36 years ago, my timeline it just happened and that I needed some time to work past it. I'm still not sure if she realizes to her it's been 36 years and it's the past.
> 
> I don't have problem with the money for sex, it's the number of guys in such a short period of time and 15 is just a guess because she said that she really doesn't know and she was being very sincere. I Know I could sit down and probably get a rough estimate on how many per day, how many days a week but what good would it do me and how would she feel writing it all down just to have her face it all over again, I'm better than that.
> 
> Some people on here may not understand why I'm looking out for her feelings even though what she told me hurt, but she didn't do it on purpose and I'm still protected of her, that's love.


Oh, I agree, the kinds of details like how many, how often, what positions, all that are meaningless now, and pressing for anything like that will make this all unnecessarily difficult on both of you, and I really don't think it would give you any answers to your feelings.

I think that probably the biggest issue right now may be the fact that she presented it in sort of a nonchalant way, and then had some initial defensiveness to your shock, and your likely very negative emotional reaction, whether you showed it fully or not. I suspect that while she has answered question and not thrown anything at you, her defensiveness gave off an aire of not caring how you felt in this, not being empathetic towards you. That what is causing you to continue having these feelings is that you likely don't feel understood, supported.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> *Maybe it's you need to get over your wife for not living up to the image you had of her.*
> From the time that we met until now the image that I had of her she has lived above and beyond what I could ever imagined.
> 
> *being a sex worker somehow diminishes her as a mate in your eyes?*
> ...


OK, so say that. "Look I need to talk about this with you, because honestly I think I am a little traumatized. I don't want to open old wounds, but it is also hard for me to think that there is a part of your life that I don't know about because of how close we are. It's also very hard and sad for me to think of you so vulnerable. I want you to know that I am not trying to make you out to be a bad person because you are a good person who has a very caring and loving heart. I always think back to your ex's and the verbal abuse you took from them and how they always made you feel like nothing. I have not and will not say anything bad/negative about you to your face or to anyone else because I know you has a heart of gold." 

Damn I think my heart grew 2 sizes bigger reading that. If you can't say it out loud then write it down and give it to her. Do that, it fits your relationship and how close you are. I would think if she is truly just as traumatized as you are this may heal both of you. 
@EleGirl how was that better and more mature? Don't ban me! 0


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> ok, so say that. "look i need to talk about this with you, because honestly i think i am a little traumatized. I don't want to open old wounds, but it is also hard for me to think that there is a part of your life that i don't know about because of how close we are. It's also very hard and sad for me to think of you so vulnerable. I want you to know that i am not trying to make you out to be a bad person because you are a good person who has a very caring and loving heart. I always think back to your ex's and the verbal abuse you took from them and how they always made you feel like nothing. I have not and will not say anything bad/negative about you to your face or to anyone else because i know you has a heart of gold."
> 
> damn i think my heart grew 2 sizes bigger reading that. If you can't say it out loud then write it down and give it to her. Do that, it fits your relationship and how close you are. I would think if she is truly just as traumatized as you are this may heal both of you.
> 
> @elegirl how was that better and more mature? Don't ban me! 0


thank you!!!


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> OK, so say that. "Look I need to talk about this with you, because honestly I think I am a little traumatized. I don't want to open old wounds, but it is also hard for me to think that there is a part of your life that I don't know about because of how close we are. It's also very hard and sad for me to think of you so vulnerable. I want you to know that I am not trying to make you out to be a bad person because you are a good person who has a very caring and loving heart. I always think back to your ex's and the verbal abuse you took from them and how they always made you feel like nothing. I have not and will not say anything bad/negative about you to your face or to anyone else because I know you has a heart of gold."
> 
> Damn I think my heart grew 2 sizes bigger reading that. If you can't say it out loud then write it down and give it to her. Do that, it fits your relationship and how close you are. I would think if she is truly just as traumatized as you are this may heal both of you.
> 
> @EleGirl how was that better and more mature? Don't ban me! 0


Lol Nice Work!

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In_Shock,

I reread your original post where you wrote, *Again, I'm looking for advice on how to get past these emotions. I know I'm not the same guy that I use to be. I would really like to hear from someone that has been in my shoes. Do you ever get past something like this??*

Whenever my W reveals something small detail about her affair she usually ends it with something like "I never want to talk about this again". But these aren't the kinds of experiences which can be put to behind us with a sentence, infidelity is in a special category and is less forgivable than almost anything else on some really deep level. 

I also think that expecting someone to put it behind them just makes it 2x worse as you feel alone.

Your W has had decades to come to terms with this you have only a few months.

I think you need to continue to talk with your W about this and help her to understand how you feel.

Personally I couldn't handle it as well as you have and would likely have divorced or turned it into an open marriage.

Tamat


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> In_Shock,
> 
> I reread your original post where you wrote, *Again, I'm looking for advice on how to get past these emotions. I know I'm not the same guy that I use to be. I would really like to hear from someone that has been in my shoes. Do you ever get past something like this??*
> 
> ...


Divorce was never on my mind because I do realize it happened 12 years before we met and the last 24 years she has been the most amazing woman that I have ever met and because she is the person that she is I'm willing to jump on the bomb if it will keep her safe, she has been through a lot and I know I make her feel loved. I always want her to feel safe when she's with me, I never want her to be worried or afraid because of me. I do know that she's upset with herself for the hurt that I'm feeling and I see no positive reason to keep reminding her of it. About a month ago when she really realized it her face got as white as a ghost and I remember the tears in her eyes as she said sorry, I don't want to keep putting her in that place, once was enough for me.

I thinking as time goes on I will be getting better.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> Divorce was never on my mind because I do realize it happened 12 years before we met and the last 24 years she has been the most amazing woman that I have ever met and because she is the person that she is I'm willing to jump on the bomb if it will keep her safe, she has been through a lot and I know I make her feel loved. I always want her to feel safe when she's with me, I never want her to be worried or afraid because of me. I do know that she's upset with herself for the hurt that I'm feeling and I see no positive reason to keep reminding her of it. About a month ago when she really realized it her face got as white as a ghost and I remember the tears in her eyes as she said sorry, I don't want to keep putting her in that place, once was enough for me.
> 
> *I thinking as time goes on I will be getting better.*


It will get better in time, and time is the only thing that will make it better.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> I don't have problem with the money for sex, it's the number of guys in such a short period of time... .


The numbers don't matter really. Like others have said, she was not doing this for the enjoyment, or for feeding her ego, or out of some sexual addiction. These were business transactions. I doubt highly she looks back at this time with any kind of sentimentality. She has shown she would rather it never happened at all. 

I don't know what to tell you In Shock. I say get yourself into counseling with a good therapist who can help you objectify your emotions and channel them in a healthy way.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

https://youtu.be/UrhkjuNWapg

She's your rock. Don't throw her away.

Love your wife for who she is and what she has endured. It makes her who she is today.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Do not judge a person based on their past life. Judge them on how they are with you. A woman's past never bothered me. My past was not stellar either. Look at it this way, lots of ordinary wives cheat so no matter their past, they still can cheat. In fact most cheaters are not former escorts. Those girls made their money and don't want any other men than their husbands. They saw the sleazy side of men and how they treat women. My wife married me despite my past. I usually was non monogamous, allowed older women to pay for dinner and even buy me some clothes. They paid for the hotel rooms and did everything but give me cash. That was then and I got it out of my system and learned to hate being viewed as a sex object. My wife knew my reputation years before we met and still accepted my proposal 3 weeks after we met and then a marriage shortly after. Next week we are married 45 years. I am no the same person I was a long time ago. I do not even like what I did back then. I never was in love like I am with my wife and that made all t he difference.

You seem very insecure which is why you worry about it. I always feel that if they are with me, they think I was better than all their past sex partners. I am so secure that I never get jealous. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat regardless of what they did in the past of how short a leash you put on them. Just think that former escorts are not going to give it away for free with some married guy cheating his wife.

I have had a great life and am happy all the time. The main reasons is that I learned that only I could make myself miserable. Many let the actions of others, past or present, affect their thinking and emotions. The only one you need to listen to is yourself. The only opinion that counts is yours. To let someone control your emotions when they are not even aware of it or cannot undo it, puts the blame all on you. If you think what she did in the past is the past, you will not worry. If you focus on it with no way to undo what is in the past, you are in for a rough ride through life. Have you ever tried to find the real reason your previous marriages failed. Perhaps it was due to not being able to let go of the past or not let others manipulate our emotions, intentionally or not. With each new marriage your odds of staying married get smaller and smaller. You worrying about the past makes it smaller still. Just refuse to let old baggage manipulate you.


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> Do not judge a person based on their past life. Judge them on how they are with you.
> 
> You seem very insecure which is why you worry about it. I always feel that if they are with me, they think I was better than all their past sex partners.
> 
> The only one you need to listen to is yourself. The only opinion that counts is yours.


1) What about Waneta Hoyt?

2) What has insecurity got to do with not wanting to wife up an ex hooker?

3) Good advice.


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

In_Shock said:


> Divorce was never on my mind because I do realize it happened 12 years before we met and the last 24 years she has been the most amazing woman that I have ever met and because she is the person that she is I'm willing to jump on the bomb if it will keep her safe, she has been through a lot and I know I make her feel loved. I always want her to feel safe when she's with me, I never want her to be worried or afraid because of me. I do know that she's upset with herself for the hurt that I'm feeling and I see no positive reason to keep reminding her of it. About a month ago when she really realized it her face got as white as a ghost and I remember the tears in her eyes as she said sorry, I don't want to keep putting her in that place, once was enough for me.
> 
> I thinking as time goes on I will be getting better.


Time?!?!

If you knew that you or her for that matter were going to die tomorrow, how long would you spend today fretting about the events in her life that got you to this point. Seriously take moment here.

Because that's the reality, nobody knows how long they have.
How much time you want to waste?!?!

You already decided and know where this goes.
You want to spend days, weeks, years fighting demons in the sewer of thought?
Climb up and out. 

MEMENTO MORI.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Do not judge a person based on their past life. Judge them on how they are with you. A woman's past never bothered me. My past was not stellar either. Look at it this way, lots of ordinary wives cheat so no matter their past, they still can cheat. In fact most cheaters are not former escorts. Those girls made their money and don't want any other men than their husbands. They saw the sleazy side of men and how they treat women. My wife married me despite my past. I usually was non monogamous, allowed older women to pay for dinner and even buy me some clothes. They paid for the hotel rooms and did everything but give me cash. That was then and I got it out of my system and learned to hate being viewed as a sex object. My wife knew my reputation years before we met and still accepted my proposal 3 weeks after we met and then a marriage shortly after. Next week we are married 45 years. I am no the same person I was a long time ago. I do not even like what I did back then. I never was in love like I am with my wife and that made all t he difference.
> 
> You seem very insecure which is why you worry about it. I always feel that if they are with me, they think I was better than all their past sex partners. I am so secure that I never get jealous. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat regardless of what they did in the past of how short a leash you put on them. Just think that most who cheat were not paid escorts, they were regular girls next door.
> 
> I have had a great life and am happy all the time. The main reasons is that I learned that only I could make myself miserable. Many let the actions of others, past or present, affect their thinking and emotions. The only one you need to listen to is yourself. The only opinion that counts is yours. To let someone control your emotions when they are not even aware of it or can undo it, puts the blame all on you. If you think what she did in the past is the past, you will not worry. If you focus on it with no way to undo what is in the past, you are in for a rough ride through life. Have you ever tried to find the real reason your previous marriage failed. Perhaps it was due to not being able to let go of the past or not let others manipulate our emotions, intentionally or not. With each new marriage your odds of staying married get smaller and smaller. You worrying about the past makes it smaller still. Just refuse to let old baggage manipulate you.


Thanks, My first 2 marriages we were just not compatible, first ex wanted to party, she left me with 2 young children and drugged it up until she died at the young age of 42. We were 24 yrs old when we divorced. The second wife cheated on me with a friend of mine that lived about 4 blocks from us.

My current wife is my soulmate. Ever since I have known her she has never given me any reason to not trust her. We have gone almost 24 years without any worry of trust, jealous or insecure feelings. Many years ago she asked me why I don't get jealous and I told her that she has never gave me a reason too and I also told her that she never gets jealous and she gave me the same answer. The last 24 yrs have been so easy and they have went by fast.


----------



## DonJoseluis (Oct 22, 2017)

I hear your concern on this. I understand that it has you untrusting of her behavior. If she hid this, what else does she have hidden. She is still the same woman that you fell in love with. I am not going to sit here and judge because I have my numbers and I know my wife?s numbers are way higher due to the stories that she used to tell me how she would leave her ex when they were separated. The woman thinks I am naïve. 

She is still your wife and y?all have had many of great years. You feel betrayed and you should express it. 
My wife has never done a sexy dance for but yet she has told me that she as done it for others that were not her husband. She need validation from others


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

DonJoseluis said:


> I hear your concern on this. I understand that it has you untrusting of her behavior. If she hid this, what else does she have hidden. She is still the same woman that you fell in love with. I am not going to sit here and judge because I have my numbers and I know my wife?s numbers are way higher due to the stories that she used to tell me how she would leave her ex when they were separated. The woman thinks I am naïve.
> 
> She is still your wife and y?all have had many of great years. You feel betrayed and you should express it.
> My wife has never done a sexy dance for but yet she has told me that she as done it for others that were not her husband. She need validation from others


I don't feel betrayed and my wife has never lost any of my trust. Yes, she hid this but I don't believe she has anything else hidden.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In_Shock,

Your experience reminds me of what my W told me about when she was in 4th and 5th grade her mom hired tutors for her who were men in their 20's. Some of these men would try to feel her all over and press themselves against her.

I often wonder what those men are doing now and if I could track them down and give them the option of exposure or a baseball bat to the groin.

You mentioned that the men your W was prostituting with were wealthy, I wouldn't be surprised if they were arrogant enough to share enough details of their lives with your W for you to track them down and expose them. 

Tamat


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> In_Shock,
> 
> Your experience reminds me of what my W told me about when she was in 4th and 5th grade her mom hired tutors for her who were men in their 20's. Some of these men would try to feel her all over and press themselves against her.
> 
> ...


I don't think OP has this mindset but I must admit, I like it!!! LOL!>


----------



## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think OP has this mindset but I must admit, I like it!!! LOL!>


Because you both believe there was some wrong that requires punishment and you would be the one to be judge jury and executioner?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GatorXP said:


> Because you both believe there was some wrong that requires punishment and you would be the one to be judge jury and executioner?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Well yes! At least where my wife is concerned.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

As you are staying in the marriage, see a psychologist to help you along with your situation. Your wife's past as a sex-worker is haunting you and this will not die down, unless you address it.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She kept it a secret because it was not who she was anymore. She probably also worried that if she told you, you might not marry her, based on the prostitute she no longer was.

She has remained faithful and true to you, consistently being the person she had become by the time she met you. Let her past go. She has let it go. She is not that person. She is the woman you are now with.

I do believe she should have told you everything, and let the chits fall where they may. But so many years have gone by, with her consistent loyalty and decency that she has more than proven who she really is today, and who she was by the time you met her and married her.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> She kept it a secret because it was not who she was anymore. She probably also worried that if she told you, you might not marry her, based on the prostitute she no longer was.
> 
> She has remained faithful and true to you, consistently being the person she had become by the time she met you. Let her past go. She has let it go. She is not that person. She is the woman you are now with.
> 
> I do believe she should have told you everything, and let the chits fall where they may. But so many years have gone by, with her consistent loyalty and decency that she has more than proven who she really is today, and who she was by the time you met her and married her.


I agree with you 100%. My wife has been completely faithful and true to me, that I have always known without a doubt.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> thank you!!!


Did you have the discussion yet?


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Did you have the discussion yet?


Not yet, had family in for a week and then I'm going to be out of town until mid week so it looks like about Thursday before we will get some needed time alone.


----------



## In_Shock (Oct 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Did you have the discussion yet?


 @sokillme

I just want to let you know that we made time yesterday to talk. It was one of the most productive talks that we've had. She wasn't aware of the turmoil going on inside of me. I started off by telling her how much her and our relationship has meant to me and that I would do anything in my power to protect her and us. Then I told her how my emotions were all screwed up and that I was afraid to talk to her because I didn't want to open any old wounds or I didn't want her to think I was implying that she was a bad person. Then I let her read the words that you wrote for me to say/give to her.

Her reaction wasn't what I expected. She was upset because I didn't come to her sooner, she said that she will always be here for me NO MATTER WHAT!!! I did find out more about what happened. After she left her abusing first husband she was young, broke and didn't know what to do. She just knew she had to get away from him. She had caught him molesting one of her daughters and she had to get them away from him. She was at a low point and at the time it was easy income. None of the men meant anything except cash which she needed. She said that she stayed drunk just to go through with it. She also said that she kept a roof over their heads and food on the table. In less than 6 months she realized that she had to get out because she wasn't that type of person. That's when she met her second husband. No, he wasn't a client. She said she never told him of her past because he would have probably pimped her out. Turned out that he was abusive also. She thought with him being 16 yrs older that he would be more stable and mature. She stayed in the abusive relationship for 12 yrs because she thought that maybe he would change. When she realized that he wasn't that's when she got everything in order to make her move out. She had a good job and she took care of herself. Didn't date for almost 9 months. She thought all guys were pigs. When we met at the time we were both looking for a casual dinner date. She still wasn't going to give me much of a chance but after a couple of weeks she noticed I was different from any other guy that she knew and she wanted to know more about me. She wanted to know if I was the guy that she was seeing or if I had some hidden agenda were I was going to use her or take advantage of her in some way. She kept her guard up. When she saw I was genuine and she started falling for me she was afraid to tell me of her past. She told me that when she really wanted to give us a chance she was hoping for a nice guy and that she really hit the mother load. She just couldn't believe that she found someone so caring and loving. She said it was weird in the beginning because if we would have a disagreement I would just talked to her, I never became violent which is what she was use to and if I saw her side I would change my mind and agree with her and that just blew her away.

Anyway, this is getting long. I'm so much more at ease now. She just reminded me again why I fell in love with her. She also reminded me to always come to her for anything, no matter what! 

What a wonderful person that I have.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In_Shock said:


> @sokillme
> 
> I just want to let you know that we made time yesterday to talk. It was one of the most productive talks that we've had. She wasn't aware of the turmoil going on inside of me. I started off by telling her how much her and our relationship has meant to me and that I would do anything in my power to protect her and us. Then I told her how my emotions were all screwed up and that I was afraid to talk to her because I didn't want to open any old wounds or I didn't want her to think I was implying that she was a bad person. Then I let her read the words that you wrote for me to say/give to her.
> 
> ...


Nice.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In_Shock said:


> @sokillme
> 
> I just want to let you know that we made time yesterday to talk. It was one of the most productive talks that we've had. She wasn't aware of the turmoil going on inside of me. I started off by telling her how much her and our relationship has meant to me and that I would do anything in my power to protect her and us. Then I told her how my emotions were all screwed up and that I was afraid to talk to her because I didn't want to open any old wounds or I didn't want her to think I was implying that she was a bad person. Then I let her read the words that you wrote for me to say/give to her.
> 
> ...


Good. This sounds healthy, and a solid foundation to build upon. Do not just assume that the feelings and mental images are just going to magically go away though. While you understand and accept all this from an intellectual standpoint, the emotion and triggers are a different story. They will rear their ugly head from time to time, though less frequently and not as hard as more time passes. Don't fight them. Turn your bow into the wave and let them wash over you. Process them, accept them, and keep moving forward.


----------

