# My Journey



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Several TAM members have asked for details of my story. I gain insight into myself from all of your posts. I can't do this briefly enough, but I hope someone out there is helped in some way.

I'm male, between 55 & 60, professional, live in the states but have a second residence out of the states. I'm in my second marriage and in R. I've never cheated on either wife. Im a giver, and in the past was a codependent enabler. I can forgive anything I've ever come up against so far. Different from forgiving, I've learned on TAM that I was a rug sweeper and did not man up enough to set the kind of boundaries that give a marriage what it needs to thrive. I'm naive and easily gaslighted. 

I married very young. My first wife and I never belonged together. She had serial PAs and EAs. We moved to try and start over. We had children, money, all the toys, a house I can't even imagine purchasing today, live in help, etc. I had stuck things out for what I thought were religious reasons. She was just not happy and started up again. We divorced. I was at peace.

I met and married a wonderful woman. I had my young children most of the time. She had a young child. We had a child together. A happy Brady Bunch clan. She had been cheated on and went through hell. Our marriage was joyful and I had no trust issues. We were best friends. I brought flowers every week. Gifts, vacations.

But we had one problem.....constant interference from my X. It didn't bother me, because I couldn't give a rats A$$ about the X. My W, however, thought my dismissiveness meant that I was not on the same page as her, that her opinions did not count, and that I did not respect her. She began to disengage.

We went to MC a few times. She was too disengaged for it to matter. She blamed it on hormones. 

I started going away from time to time with just her. I thought we were reconnecting and things were good. She couldn't get out of her mind that she thought I was not supportive of her in the parenting arena because of my X. My X knew how to push my W's buttons and enjoyed doing so. I told my W to disregard the X, which was apparently the wrong answer. My W would say, take her to court. I would say, for what?

Early 2000s, she was on a cruise with two kids. They saw her kissing another man and giving him a Handjob. She got his email. I confronted, she denied then admitted. I forgave, rugswept, and forgot.

Two years later, she met a guy. I don't know all the details, but he came to my office and said "I'm sorry, I didn't know she was married". 

Looked like she was checking out completely, flirting over the top. I took her away for one month to try and reconnect. We did, somewhat, but she had rewritten everything good out of our life and wasn't committed to giving of herself emotionally.

Flirting continued. Biggest event was me coming home and walking in on W and my best friend in full stroke. I wound up with a severe concussion and in the hospital. I had trouble seeing out of one eye. I could barely read. I left the hospital to my mother's. While in the hospital, I prepared divorce papers, proposed marital agreement, canceled all her credit cards, changed beneficiaries, wouldn't speak with her. When we did speak, I found out there were a couple of others and more details of other things she had done with the friend. I thought she and the friend had tried to kill me. One of my adult children walked in to find her on top my my unconscious body on the floor with my face straight down on a pillow and a small blanket over my head. He thought I was dead.

My mother asked me, do you love her? What do you really want? Sounds stupid, but I said I really did love her and I wanted to see if we could have a future. My mother told me stories of couples I knew and thought were happy, who had gone through infidelity and recovered.

We went to MC. We talked. Eventually I moved back in. I still couldn't read well and could only work a couple of hours a day, so we talked and talked.

9 months later I was pretty well at ease. But then, some guy started hitting on her and she went for walks holding hands and hugging inappropriately and e mails from his about what he'd like to do. She had a real validation issue and what we went through hadn't helped her self image. I confronted. Another guy started the same cra- and she thought she was harmlessly flirting over Skype and e mails. 

There is one other guy from some time during the past three years. I know it was before last August but don't have any info. She's denied and denied. 

So, I'm just waiting. I've told her I need this info to feel comfortable with a future. I've told her that it puts up a wall between us that can't be there in a marriage. We've scheduled a trip alone together to face it head on. I really wonder who it is that she is trying to protect or whether she thinks she is trying to protect me from info she doesn't think I will be able to handle. But it's my choice and need, not hers.

By now, I can read again and have read every book and watched every video I can find. I have used verification methods that I haven't even heard discussed on TAM. My W asks, how can you love if you don't trust? That's a pseudo question. I love my dog, but I wouldn't leave a birthday cake out where the dog can get to it. I'm learning about boundaries.
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## seekinghelpnow (Apr 8, 2012)

Me too....learning about boundaries and when on gives you reason not to trust it has to be earned back with transparency.
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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

so she tried to kill you??? did she leave OM after that how long were they having a affair. did he go to jail.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why didn't you have her and the guy charged with assault with intent to murder?

My god how can you keep trying with her she is obviously incapable of being faithful and she is quite capable of helping try to kill you.
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