# Trying to make sense of it all...



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Last week I shared a story of my wife going to another man's house 6 months ago that I didn't know about it. Long story short a man asked her for a quickie she said "I can't make any promises" "I can't leave because he's all in my face getting on my nerves" and when I left for training on my new job she went over there to "bring him food and medicine". Right now I feel so torn between believing her story and listening to my heart and mind. Her excuse was "I was protecting you because I know how jealous you get" and to me its not enough.I feel so disrespected that its making me sick. My mind keeps wondering and I want to let go but I feel my trust has been broke, along with my heart. How does someone who loves you make you feel so worthless? I just don't know what to do and feel so emotionally drained it ridiculous. I feel a bitter resentment inside and I hate myself for feeling like I'm being her fool and letting her "get away" with this. I truly don't know if I can ever trust or see my wife in the same light again and that's not fair to us. I want to move on but my mind won't let me...how do I let get go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would look at what she saying and know in my heart she most likely had sex with this guy she went and saw. I always say, trust your gut. No need for confirmation on her end. You know the truth. 

Where do you draw your line?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

My line has been crossed but because this is my wife I want to believe her and let it go but I can't. I just don't see her as the same person anymore and it sucks because no matter how much I want to love her my trust is gone. I have been accussed of cheating when friends and exs contact me but I've never gone to another chicks house. Before we were married 2 years ago I told an ex I still loved her one drunken night and haven't lived that down since. Now I'm deep suppose to believe her and she's under the impression that we've moved on from this..but it still cuts me deep. For 2 years she paraded around as if she was Ms. Goodie Good that never did anything. I'm sick of her always on Facebook always in her phone and the secrecy involved all around it.I want her to be open, honest and for ONCE to understand how I feel but she won't. She just blows this off as no big deal, I didn't do anything etc. I'm so frustrated and hurt...sorry for venting but I have no one to talk to about this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthstop (Jul 14, 2012)

1st, may I ask the age of you two. 
2nd. I use to live in savannah, ga around The Windsor Forest area near Armstrong. So, I know something about the area and the people there. 

**Jealousy? or Instinct? I like to think its both! I don't believe your gut Instinct is wrong, and even if she did not do anything, she is having an emotional affair that is totally disrespectful and unhealthy for you to endure. Mentally or Physically. 

But lets put all that aside for a moment. You need to really work on you, you are clinging too hard on your wife. Yes, she is doing things that would turn anyone's stomach, but you sound desperate, like she is your whole world! Which is Idolatry , which only means, it will leave you in an unbalance state to think clearly! 

You will react in the wrong manner towards every situation that seems suspicious, some of your gut instincts will be right on and others way of the mark! Rebuild yourself esteem! Remember how wonderful you are and why she fell in love with you to begin with. Start showing her that example and not the insecure crazy type. 

Jealousy in anyone is like poison! And when it spreads to the heart, its like cancer that keeps eating away until there is nothing left. Change your focus, change your mental picture you carry in your head, and your circumstances will change as well. Harbor the negatives and they will manifest like weeds in a garden, dig deep and find the positives about your self and work on improving them, and more positive things shall come your way, including others. 

I guess I'm trying to tell you, to be strong, less wishy washy! Call a spade a spade when you see it, but don't overreact to it, treat the lie for what it is and if your wrong ? its still not your fault, because we are responsible for how we behave in our marriage and how we lead our spouses to think at times. Why do things to drive or spouse crazy! Especially is we say we love them?? I will not say anything negative about her, there are always two sides to a story, but yours is clear. You are not a door mate! stop acting like one, be strong, put your foot down, make positive decisions that will strengthen you , not weaken you! 

I would start there, As it is written "Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life" The word keep is Guard! and how do you start Guarding your heart? by not allowing others to manipulate and hurt it. And in Savannah, its always starts with the Money flow! Cut it off! , Open a credit union account if you have not done so already, start directing your resources there. I don't know what she does for a living but you have to create your own financial foundation. Get that established quick while you can. Then come to the conclusion that your gut is right and start making wise plans to protect yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm thinking that this is no longer about your old lady, she can give you her song and dance, but at the end of the day it what you will tolorate and what you want out of a marraige.

Something that she can't provide so it may be time to let her go and find yout "own friend to bring medicine and food to"

Grant your not wired that way but the point is you can show the confidence need to let your old lady know she is not the only fish in the sea, and there are women out there that will respect your boundries.

Brother it sucks , I have been there, but the emotional torture she offers is not worth it....life is to short to deal with the disrespect your chick has to offer.

Even though she tries to manipulate you deep down she has to respect you when you bail and wish her the best with her new friend...cuz homie doesn't share his wife with "friends".

I bet if the shoe was on the other foot your old lady would have no part of this kind of crap. But then again if the show were on the other foot your old lady would be so worried about losing you should would think about pulling this crap in fear of losing you to someone else.

And thats the point here, having the confidence to know you can get someone else that won't pull this crap.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Well. I've met some women who are like your wife and "was" married to (still am) a man like her as well. They are the types that will NEVER admit to infidelity, and they lie and scheme to get what they want. Their conscience is not up to par. I know you want to believe her. I've been in that boat several times in my marriage. It's nicer to avoid the obvious and have to deal with the consequences. My husband ended up telling me things here and there throughout our marriage, but they were always too late, and he always trickle truthed me.

Assuming she is what you have said...you have to realize that she is a secretive type of person. She may never change, she might. But it's up to you whether you want to continue a life of manipulation and secrecy.

In my own marriage, I went on for years with blinders on. I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I didn't want to believe it, and I didn't want to admit it because that meant I would have to make a decision. Decisions like the ones these people hand us suck


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is she still on her phone/computer all the time?

Does she guard her phone from you?

Are all her email/facebook/computer/phone passworded and you don't know the password?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

somethingelse;256948. Decisions like the ones these people hand us suck[/QUOTE said:


> It sure does!
> And thats my point, you can't control your old lady, but you can control what you will tolorate, so again this isn't about her, its about you and what you deside to do with protecting your emotions.
> Just like it will be up to your old lady in desiding to continue this crap or stop and save *her* marriage.
> 
> ...


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm 26 and she's 30 we both work. I guess st this point I am clingy to her. We both really don't have friends and do EVERYTHING together. It's been nothing but us since day one. I've never been the kind to be crazy insecure but do have my issues with trust as does she. We both went through serious divorces prior to us being married. I do feel like st this ppoint I need to leave but because we a have made our lives around one another its scary to go. I have my own bills and separate accounts but leaving seems hard because I need time that she won't give me to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Is she still on her phone/computer all the time?
> 
> Does she guard her phone from you?
> 
> Are all her email/facebook/computer/phone passworded and you don't know the password?


The answer is yes to all of that. She goes through my stuff all the time and got mad once when I put a pw on my phone to stop her going through it. She even went through my emails and I saw I was posting on TAM and got mad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> It sure does!
> And thats my point, you can't control your old lady, but you can control what you will tolorate, so again this isn't about her, its about you and what you deside to do with protecting your emotions.
> Just like it will be up to your old lady in desiding to continue this crap or stop and save *her* marriage.
> 
> ...


I contacted the OM as this was an ild coworker at a mutual job we had. He claimed nothing happened as well. He's gone and is living in SC now. I guess I just need to save and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even though OM is moved away are they still in contact...is there still an infection in the marriage?

Granted this crap is tough, but at the end of the day is she all in or not? And I am not talking about words here....it about actions.

Are you the only one working on the marriage?

Is she stepping up... is there any remorse?

It sound like your old lady ain't helping you heal, it sounds like you want to heal on your own?

What the phuck do you want, deside and get on with it!!!!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> The answer is yes to all of that. She goes through my stuff all the time and got mad once when I put a pw on my phone to stop her going through it. She even went through my emails and I saw I was posting on TAM and got mad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. It sounds like she is controlling you too, and trying to keep you from finding her out. She most likely doesn't want you getting advice from people like us, because we'll call her out. Then she will have to keep denying the truth


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> The answer is yes to all of that. She goes through my stuff all the time and got mad once when I put a pw on my phone to stop her going through it. She even went through my emails and I saw I was posting on TAM and got mad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her lack of transparentcy is going to kill this marriage! How in the hell is she going regain your trust?
Both you guys have trust issues and as she justifies her action thinking you cheated thia thing will only get worse.

Again she can believe what she wants, but at the end of the day it will be up to you to let her go and it will be up to her to keep up with you or not.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Sorry if I seem unsure of what to do but this is somewhat difficult. 

I'm not sure if they still communicate and I don't believe they do nor is it infecting our marriage.
Her remorse is "I apologize I can only be held responsible for my actions and not the actions of other's" in her defense of not doing anything.

I do know the ow to her iPad and laptop but neither of us have shared our passwords to each other.

what is transparency? I've seen that several times in this forum and would like more info.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

It would be great if she would tell you what those actions were entirely


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> Sorry if I seem unsure of what to do but this is somewhat difficult.
> 
> Her remorse is "I apologize I can only be held responsible for my actions and not the actions of other's" in her defense of not doing anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She put her self in an eviorment that was not by any mean affair proofing the marriage.
If you were next to her would she still go over there? She is not the same women when she is right next to you...and that is not healthy for a marriage.

If she really wanted to affair proof her marriage she would have turned a blind eye to this "friend"!

In stead she made a choice to decieve you and go see this man...irregardless of what she did or didn't do...this crap is all on her and her blameshifting is bull crap!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> It would be great if she would tell you what those actions were entirely


That she went over there to bring him some meds because no one else would pick them up, straightened up his apt because ot was dirty and they talked. That could very well be the truth but a man asks you for a quickie and blatantly disrespects our marriage and she still goes over there? It's like she's put herself in a position not to ever be trusted again..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

By listening to what everyone has said it is apparent that I do have some confidence issues that I've been dealing with. My greatest fear is leaving and being all alive again. At thus point I'm so afraid of falling unto a depressed/hopless mode that I'm subjecting myself to any and everything/everyone. I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because I feel like I will never find anyone like her again. I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Start by telling your self " I diserve good things" and repeat this over and over again.

Especially when you get sh1t from your old lady...you can walk away and tell your selve you diserve good things. A montra that must be repeated over and over again as you take the next steps in getting out of this rut.

It may not seem like much now, but as you work on your self by educating your self with your own issuies you at least have a montra to keep you focused.

Have you though about starting a journel?
It a a solid and cheap way to keep track of your thought, if you have the dough you can go get some theropy and they can do it for you, but the important thing is tracking your thoughts at any given time.

So in short get a montra, start a journel, and go see a counselor and tell them what you want to work on and go from there.

From were I'm sitting you have a good handle on what you want to work on so at least you won't have the spend the dough on figuring that out.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I read your story from previous post.
==================================
Yesterday I saw a disturbing message in my wife's phone between her and another man.The man asked her to come over for a quickie and she she "Idk I can't make any promises, he's all in my face right now and getting on my nerves". I confronted her about this and she became irritate!She denies the situation buts became physically confrontational. Then she tells me she went over to his house to bring him food, some medication, and cleaned his house because he was sick! Last week this same guy was mad because people were "asking him" about how come there's rumors going around about them sleeping together. It's like it all makes sense to me now!
==================================

Almost anyone on this forum would probably agree that they have been sleeping together for quite some time. 

*I believe he won't ask for a quickie unless they have had a "longer version" before.
* But I may be wrong.
Apart from that, her disrespect for you is obvious, and the usual blame-shifting is also taking place.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

And that's what has me so blown about this situation. I feel like I'm a puppet on her string dancing to any and every tune she plays. I feel like a fool for falling into the arms of an abuser again. I just don't see how she can't admit to her wrong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> My line has been crossed but because this is my wife I want to believe her and let it go but I can't. I just don't see her as the same person anymore and it sucks because no matter how much I want to love her my trust is gone. I have been accussed of cheating when friends and exs contact me but I've never gone to another chicks house. Before we were married 2 years ago *I told an ex I still loved her one drunken night* and haven't lived that down since. Now I'm deep suppose to believe her and she's under the impression that we've moved on from this..but it still cuts me deep. For 2 years she paraded around as if she was Ms. Goodie Good that never did anything. I'm sick of her always on Facebook always in her phone and the secrecy involved all around it.I want her to be open, honest and for ONCE to understand how I feel but she won't. She just blows this off as no big deal, I didn't do anything etc. I'm so frustrated and hurt...sorry for venting but I have no one to talk to about this...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The AHA! in the whole story. This relationship maybe built on very shaky foundations. So you're about to get married or at least are seriously involved with each other and she finds out you told another woman you love her?

That's when her respect for you hit zero. She can't trust anything you say no matter how sincere you are, most relationships never recover fully from that, and it looks like yours hasn't, you even got married.

So you go away and she goes to another mans house.. she has her privacy but you dont have yours? Any concerns of yours she blows off. How unbalanced is this relationship.

Thing is you've been trying to make up for your indiscretion, no doubt bending over backwards to accommodate her and her feelings, even when she's in the wrong. In the long run that just erodes the base level of respect that she has for you, so much so she will go to another man's house, have sex, then make up a BS excuse but you won't leave her..she knows this.

First you exert some level of control because right now you have none and are floundering frustratedly in the wind.

Your line has been crossed, you admitted it yourself. That's your line in the sand, and goes to the very core of who you are and your standards. You do nothing about it, it will eat away at you, probably do more damage to your relationship. You say the trust has gone, so...what are you going to do about it?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> By listening to what everyone has said it is apparent that I do have some confidence issues that I've been dealing with. My greatest fear is leaving and being all alive again. At thus point I'm so afraid of falling unto a depressed/hopless mode that I'm subjecting myself to any and everything/everyone. I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because I* feel like I will never find anyone like her again*. I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do see how ridiculous that statement sounds right? You're scared you'll never find anyone to abuse you, cheat on you and treat you like sh*t?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> what is transparency? I've seen that several times in this forum and would like more info.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Transparency is what you give to her but she does none of it for you.

Transparency is hiding nothing because there is nothing to hide. Passwords, emails, social media, whereabouts, actions, feelings. 

Don't beat yourself up about the 'I love you' thing, yes it is bad, really bad, but if you have made amends and corrected that behaviour, worked through it, it should not be something to bash you with at every opportunity. You say she has never allowed you to forget it. It sounds to me like she is using it against you at every opportunity.....because it is a smokescreen to her own actions. 

She bashes you for something you did 2 years ago in drunken stupidity and she goes mad if you password your phone etc. Yet she keeps all her things hidden with passwords and has her phone glued to her at all times, AND THEN goes and does things a gf would do for a man who has asked her for a quickie! No way! No wonder you are beaten down and jealous....She is MAKING you jealous with her actions! Stop blaming yourself.

You came from one abusive relationship and went into another. She should be understanding and loving with regard to you baggage from the last relationship...if she wants to be with you. Instead she is compounding the problems.

She needs to start being open and transparent about her communication and her whereabouts. But....if you want to know what you are dealing with here, I wouldn't even ask if I were you. Asking (she will say no, fu*k you) and then demanding will only cause her to delete everything. However, if you ask to look at what she is doing and she refuses, you can count that as direct admission to cheating. But if you need evidence to be *sure*, you can bet that this is the surest way of losing all that evidence forever. She will continually delete the moment you make demands, she will take it underground, and it will be harder to find that irrefutable evidence. If that is what you need.

What you need to do is start snooping. Try to work out what her passwords are. See if you can catch her directions on the phone so you can make some educated guesses. Get into the phone, or just back it up on the computer...can you do this with no password? Try and get those messages. And try and get into her Facebook....keylogger. Can you look at her phone bills? If not, why not? You are her husband and you should be able.to look at what you want when you want to. That IS transparency. And she should be happy to give you open access. Again, this is how it should be. It is not. Because she IS cheating. And if you want to find out just how bad it is, you have to move forward sneakily and stealthily. Just as she is, but better.

She is absolutely cheating. VAR the car. There are ways to find these things out, if you want to. People will talk you through every step of the process here if you want that. For people who have used this site, they have been 100% successful in finding out info. Just keep posting if you want to be successful too. 

Or you could just cut your losses and divorce. No relationship is better than an abusive one. And there is nothing lonelier than being in a cold and negative relationship. On your own will be a lot less lonely than being with someone who uses you and disrespects you so badly.

She DOES NOT LOVE YOU. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stop taking the blame and looking inwards on this. She is the source of your insecurity and you are allowing her to treat you that way. STOP NOW! Take control of your life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, the message just screams that she was having a long term affair.

You only ask for a quickie when you've had a lot more.

And you only respond like she did, so casually and matter of fact, when she's run over there numerous other times when called for a quickie.

Their text exchange was that of longtime sex partners who had so much affair sex that it was now just relationship sex.

Why not directly demand a polygraph from her. Tell her that you are convinced she was in a long term affair with him, and you are giving her one chance to come clean and back it up with a polygraph, or you are divorcing.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My friend you are in serious denial. I would suggest the following:
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Get into individual counseling
3. See a lawyer and get out of this relationship.

As a previous poster mentioned, you do not ask for a quickie unless you have been having sex for a while. She has been cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's. She abuses you and disrespects you terribly. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm sorry. Your wife is having sex with other men. That is truth. You need to come to terms with that. When you do you will become angry. 

Use the anger. You're going to be amazed at the new capabilities you find in your arsenal.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> By listening to what everyone has said it is apparent that I do have some confidence issues that I've been dealing with. My greatest fear is leaving and being all alive again. At thus point I'm so afraid of falling unto a depressed/hopless mode that I'm subjecting myself to any and everything/everyone. I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because *I feel like I will never find anyone like her again.* I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




You will find someone like her in future if you dont get some counseling and learn and understand that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

your first marriage too was abusive, there is something wrong with your selection of partners. May be you have to change your view of life and partners. 

What ever, she seems to be having an A for long, else no one will ask for a quickie to a women who has some integrity self respect and morals.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> You will find someone like her in future if you dont get some counseling and learn and understand that YOU DESERVE BETTER.
> 
> your first marriage too was abusive, there is something wrong with your selection of partners. May be you have to change your view of life and partners.
> 
> What ever, she seems to be having an A for long, else no one will ask for a quickie to a women who has some integrity self respect and morals.


ALL OF THIS! You will continue to repeat the same relationship again and again until you fix YOU. Unlike Jerry McGuire, you just can't go around looking for people to complete you. The only way you will ever be able to truly love someone else in a healthy relationship is to be a whole person yourself. 

Whether you work on your marriage or decide to quit and start over, you need to get to the bottom of your issues first.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because I feel like I will never find anyone like her again. I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..


This is the problem right here. You let people have power over you because YOU choose to let them. If you see this about yourself, I think your wife is aware of this as well and see's it as an advantage to do what she wants. You tolerate her disrespect and hypocrisy without any line drawn in the sand to protect yourself.

If there is a cancer in your life then you cut it out and move on. Whatever pedestal you put her on/Whatever validation you feel you need from this lying a$$ women, just realize that she is manipulating and controlling you. She sees weakness in you and will exploit it until you stand up for yourself. WHY WOULD YOU BE AFRAID TO NEVER FIND A PERSON LIKE THIS AGAIN, YOU SHOULD BE HOPEFUL TO NEVER MEET A WOMEN WITH SUCH ****TY MORALS AND CHARACTER. 

She basically agreed to a quickie with the om but wouldn't do it at that time because you were "All up in her face". So what happened when you weren't "all up in her face"? Screw this nonsense.


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## Truthstop (Jul 14, 2012)

bryanp said:


> My friend you are in serious denial. I would suggest the following:
> 1. Get tested for STD's.
> 2. Get into individual counseling
> 3. See a lawyer and get out of this relationship.
> ...


Yep! what they said sum it up, I have nothing further tell you unfortunately. I hope you do more than vent on this thing, I hope you get some real help and take action. Nothing will change until you do, so start changing , stop being someones door mate. 

I'm not saying this is what you should do, but I bet, if another women showed you half the attention your wife is showing this guy and that OW was equally beautiful, warm and always instilled confidence in you, you would not find it hard to move forward. Get Counseling! please.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

If she had any intention of "protecting" you, she wouldn't have gone over there in the first place. I'm sorry, but she had sex with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> By listening to what everyone has said it is apparent that I do have some confidence issues that I've been dealing with. My greatest fear is leaving and being all alive again. At thus point I'm so afraid of falling unto a depressed/hopless mode that I'm subjecting myself to any and everything/everyone. I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because I feel like I will never find anyone like her again. I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You have to be aware of the types of women you are choosing. In my opinion, you are choosing women who like to scheme and dominate. There are women out there who do not dominate or manipulate to get what they want, you just have to be open to the idea of being with them. Because if you keep falling for women like your wife, you will keep getting the same result. Unhappiness, that feeling of loneliness and of course, Divorce. 

Also, make sure you start becoming more independent. Don't rely on others to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy and productive. Nobody is perfect remember, so you should always know how to care for yourself first and foremost. If you keep depending on another person for all of your needs, how fulfilling is that? Be your own person. Get some hobbies. 

You can still love a woman and work together towards goals. But you have to be able to love yourself first.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> The AHA! in the whole story. *This relationship maybe built on very shaky foundations*. So you're about to get married or at least are seriously involved with each other and she finds out you told another woman you love her?
> 
> *That's when her respect for you hit zero*. She can't trust anything you say no matter how sincere you are, most relationships never recover fully from that, and it looks like yours hasn't, you even got married.
> 
> ...


Very good points here. You are bang on.

OP, it still does not justify her actions no matter how she tries to sugar coat them in her own head. This has to end somewhere. You have to pull up your socks and forgive yourself for what you did that night. If you want to save your marriage, you have to start being more assertive with your wife. Take your ground back.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I want to thank everyone for their responses and input. In the end I do feel in my mind its time to let go. It will hurt to move on but the way our marriage has been for the last few months I've been sleeping on my couch anyway. I just haven't hit that angry part of this phase yet, I've felt urt, suprised, and now I'm trying to sift through the denial. I didn't make a mistake, luckily because she's so controlling we have nothing together in our names. It will be an easy split and go. I do deserve better and one day I will be better for this. I just pray my finances will carry ne through. As for therapy I've gone before but I think i wasnt being honest enough when i went. I need to explore that again. I've just felt for the ligrst thay this brand of love isn't for me anymore. And to think she has two kids that I love like my own. But like someone said if I stay ill be damaging thus more and if I can't respect myself then who else will..thanks everyone..from the bottom of my heart thanks..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Stick with this line of thinking Laurence. She will probably scream blue murder if you take away her husband cake and leave only her OM in return. She may try to manipulate you to stay, she may just accept the split, but whatever you do stand firm. Don't let her bully you and stick with these thoughts. 

If you find she goes down the 'I'm so sorry' route, watch out! And keep posting for feedback and other points of view. It is difficult to see the wood for the trees when the situation is your own.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If he was asking for a quickie, they already did it before. A man wouldn't ask for a quickie the first time. What happened when she went to his house doesn't matter at this point


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> By listening to what everyone has said it is apparent that I do have some confidence issues that I've been dealing with. My greatest fear is leaving and being all alive again. At thus point I'm so afraid of falling unto a depressed/hopless mode that I'm subjecting myself to any and everything/everyone*. I have been physically and mentally abused in this marriage and stay because I feel like I will never find anyone like her again.* I do need to regain my self confidence back because for the last 9 years I've been married twice to two abusive women. I guess until i learn to care and respect myself I will always be codependent on others to make me feel complete knowing deep down I'm causing more harm to myself in the long run. I just don't know where to begin. The last time I can really remember being "happy" was almost 10 years ago and its been a downward spiral since. I just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces and I'm truly lost and scared..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, abusers like her are not normal and can be a bit hard to find


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Just an update on my situation with my wife. The last 3 days have been nothing but straight up hovering. Random acts of sex, calling me "baby" and "honey". It's amazing how much information I've read is unfolding before my eyes. I know these random acts of kindness are simply her trying to change in fear of me actually leaving. She even went to the mall and got something made with our names on it. I still feel like a seperation is in order. It's almost like a soap opera to a degree. Today she was right back to her old self. Just amazing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tell her you have a polygraph setup for next week.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I think all that polygraph trying to get her to be transparent stuff is out of the question. If I have to go through all of that to get the truth or for someone to be honest then is rather leave and get my sh!t together. All of that SHOULD have came with the marriage or just out of respect for the person you're with. I mean to go from loving and kind to being mean and ugly in less than 24 hours is ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> I think all that polygraph trying to get her to be transparent stuff is out of the question. If I have to go through all of that to get the truth or for someone to be honest then is rather leave and get my sh!t together. All of that SHOULD have came with the marriage or just out of respect for the person you're with. I mean to go from loving and kind to being mean and ugly in less than 24 hours is ridiculous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only you know what's right for you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Thound said:


> Only you know what's right for you.


Meh...I think it's more like:
Only you know what and how much you are willing to put up with. 

And that's not always what's best for you. Not at all.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Meh...I think it's more like:
> Only you know what and how much you are willing to put up with.
> 
> And that's not always what's best for you. Not at all.


I was trying to be cordial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You hit the nail right on the head when you said that if you can't respect yourself then who will. That is what's going to keep you from living in hell. Is this the life that you want? I know that calling it quits and moving on is a hard thing to do but truth be told, doing the right thing is taking the roughest path but in the long run, you can have a normal life and some peace of mind. That is something that we all deserve.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Commandment # 4 from the Cheater's bible -

Tell your betrayed spouse that you are protecting then from "pain" by not telling the truth about the affair. That you did not want to hurt them with the truth.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> I think all that polygraph trying to get her to be transparent stuff is out of the question. If I have to go through all of that to get the truth or for someone to be honest then is rather leave and get my sh!t together. All of that SHOULD have came with the marriage or just out of respect for the person you're with. I mean to go from loving and kind to being mean and ugly in less than 24 hours is ridiculous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I think you're right. You should probably save yourself a mountain of heartache and just fole for D.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
You mentioned mental and physical abuse....how bad has that been? What has she done to you?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> You mentioned mental and physical abuse....how bad has that been? What has she done to you?


Physical meaning exactly that...throwing things, kicking, hitting, biting. 
The emotional abuse is covert/overt with the whole push/pull, gaslighting, blame shifting...and yes hoovering. Subtle things like not talking, not cooking or cleaning the house regularly. All of the daily drama and mood swings. Always on the computer/phone/tablet. Withholding sex and being sick almost every damn week. I could go on and on..

Uptown gave me some great info on BPD/NPD spouses and I have done my own research as well. 

For those of you men and women alike who are considering leaving and really want good information I suggest reading a few books and doing some real informed research about personality disorders. TAM has very good information. www.shrink4men.com is another great resource. www.bpdfamily.com is great as well.

As of late we haven't been talking or spending time near one another as I sleep on the couch and she's upstairs. The more and more I sit in this house the more I just get disgusted. If you are like me hoping and wanting for change in your marriage but know deep down your tired its time to go. Everything I've read, every heart breaking story, it all boils down to how do you respect yourself and what are you worth? Is your life worth being constantly depressed due to stress? Do you feel more happy when they are away and not walking on "eggshells" when they are around? Or what about the secrets, the white lies, or the double standards and being blamed for everything? 
This is not love in any form of the word. Are you willing to mortgage your life for someone who refuses to even change and most importantly what are you willing to lose...because in the end what are you winning? 

These are the questions I've asked myself over the last week and have led to a rediscovery of myself. To make that hard but worthwhile decision. Everyone deserves love but love SHOULD NEVER PURPOSELY HURT OR COME WITH CONSEQUENCES.Respect yourself and know that you are stronger then what these people make you feel. 

Thanks for all the advice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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