# feel good side of leaving



## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

I want to make this brief but I have so much to say. Almost two years ago I had a chance to go oversea's and give our family a financial advantage. The catch side was being gone for six months, take a two week vacation (at home for me) then another six months. We discussed this at great length and decided it was too good to pass up. I don't regret that I went I only regret the doors it opened in our lives. We even discussed a three month extension and agreed once again it was too good to pass on.

I returned and the life I had left behind was gone. The woman who I had been married too, I dedicated my life and soul too seemed to have nothing but words of anger and discontent for me. After several weeks of seemingly nonstop arguements she confessed she had an affair while I was away that resulted in a pregnancy. She made a decision to have an abortion, a decision that for her was terrible and created such tumult and grief it seemed almost impossible to handle.

I tried my best to help her with pain and anguish and be there for her while she struggled with all these terrible feelings. I did my best to put the affair behind us and not only be a husband but a friend to her. Still the war raged on, each day seemed to hold a new complaint of what I either was or wasn't doing and many times in direct contrast to a different complaint. She would constantly push me away when she was happy and pull me close when she was not. I felt like there was nothing I could do right and then one day as I was talking to a friend about it I was struck by a thought. If it is everything I do and everything I don't do then it's not the actions or words but the person they come (me) that is unwanted. I decided that day I was done feeling like a super villian and that the last tear had fallen. I moved to the couch (she never even complained).

Driven by my fear that she was romantically involved with another friend of hers I decided to check up on her. What I discovered shattered me to no end and has created so much anger some days I won't even talk because I am afraid of what I will say. This friend is the one that the pregnancy was with and not only was their an affair it was still ongoing and I have reason to believe it still is. My anger has poisoned my heart and what love I feel for her. I moved out to my shed. She never complained about that either.

We have a child between us that I will not leave. I pour so much love into my daughter I worry she must feel smothered in cheese dip and in a vice from how hard I hold her to my heart. My wifes other two children are teenagers so I work hard to give them the space and independence they need. I have lost all function in the house and my voice feels like a dying whisper.

The worst part is despite the abuse, cheating, lies and nonstop accusations I still love her with all my heart. I refuse to give it to her anymore, I no longer trust her with it and I don't know if I ever will again. I tried to leave once but somehow I was stupid enough to come back. I want to run but I stay. I want to destroy but I build. I want to die but I refuse. I want to cry but I harden.

I have almost completely removed myself from her emotionally. Everything I do is wrong so I do nothing. Everything I say is wrong so I say nothing. No more good bye kisses when I leave for work, and "Hi honey" when I come home. I have no desire nor drive to fix what is broken between us anymore. I feel like I am being settled for because I bring home a paycheck and when it comes to love nobody should take the backseat or second place. I talk to her more like a business partner than a spouse anymore. I have no desire to be affectionate, caring, loving, intimate and I definitely don't want it from another woman.

Now she wants me to come back into the house, into our bedroom. To try and salvage what is left of our marriage but I can't bring myself to leave the safety of my shed. I don't want to give up the last real place on this property where I feel welcome and safe. I don't want to take down the walls I have put up in order to protect myself. I don't want to hurt anymore and if she pushes me away again this time the shed won't be far enough.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow.



> I don't want to hurt anymore and if she pushes me away again this time the shed won't be far enough.


 This confused me. What next? She asked you to reconcile, but what do you mean push away? Are you going to try to reconcile? You sound like you aren't willing to, which is understandable. 

Because of my background, I advocate for MC and reconciliation in a lot of posts, but this is pretty crazy. If you still have the heart for it and she actually wants to make this work, its not impossible, but wow.



> I have no desire nor drive to fix what is broken between us anymore. I feel like I am being settled for because I bring home a paycheck and when it comes to love nobody should take the backseat or second place. I talk to her more like a business partner than a spouse anymore. I have no desire to be affectionate, caring, loving, intimate and I definitely don't want it from another woman.


 This is really hard to read, and I imagine very hard to live though.

Are you just in a holding pattern until your daughter grows up and moves out?

Are you sticking around to continue to support your wife and children despite the situation?



> The worst part is despite the abuse, cheating, lies and nonstop accusations I still love her with all my heart. I refuse to give it to her anymore, I no longer trust her with it and I don't know if I ever will again. I tried to leave once but somehow I was stupid enough to come back. I want to run but I stay. I want to destroy but I build. I want to die but I refuse. I want to cry but I harden.


Also, is individual counseling something you are interested in? It won't fix anything in your situation, and you seem to have it together. Staying in this situation for 10? more years seems like a mistake. But have you decided the next step yet?


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## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

I think I may have misrepresented myself but I will do my best to clarify. When I say she pushes me away I mean she literaly tells me to leave her alone, tells me she wants me to stay out of her life. She says she wants to reconcile and have me come back into the house. My concern is if she pushes me away again I don't believe coming back out to the shed will be good enough. I am not looking for advice so much as I am looking to get this off my chest, "lighten my burden" if you will. I have thought about the whole moving back into the house thing for the better part of the week and I have decided that I will not move back in.

I dont think of myself in a holding pattern right now. Very soon the one year mark of my return home will be at hand. I think a year is long enough to decide if she wants me in her life or not. To stop with all this behavior or at least make a committed decision to get with the marriage or get with the door. If after a year has passed and she will not make a committed decision I will make mine. I have always been willing to join her in an effort to save our marriage but I have seen very little to no effort on this.

I know this all sounds on the verge of insanity and I would agree, my friends have told me I should make my decision now. I thought it was only fair to give her time to make the decision for herself. She doesn't know that I know about the lover. I know you are thinking I should confront her with the knowledge I have but I believe that it is also her choice. If I confront her and run him off then I forced it which would not really be a choice at all. If someone is yours then you will never have to run another person off, they will do it for you. She has chosen him over me and because of this I have no intention of fighting to get her back, scaring him off or begging her to put me first again. I will simply present her with the knowledge I have and inform her that my decision is to leave.

I may seem very cold and calculated about this but due to how I was raised I learned to shut off my emotions and let myself go numb. I have decided that I need some serious counseling and I intend to see to that as soon as possible. Alot of thinking has gone into what I am doing I just needed to share with someone before my brain implodes. I hate what this is going to do to our children but at least I will have the knowledge that I didn't really make the decision to end our relationship/marriage I just chose to make it committed and official. Thank you for your concern, patience and time.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Do what makes you happy. If you need time for yourself, then take it. If you like living alone in the same house, then continue on. I wouldn't just stay in the house with her indefinitely though. I've been there, done that and I can tell you that it's better to live separately then to live together and be alone. Moving out was the BEST thing I ever did. It might give you the right frame of mind and at least you can make forward progress instead of just sitting and spinning your wheels and nursing your anger and resentment. You have a right to feel as you do but to let it stew is just toxic and nonproductive. 

I have to say that if my husband wanted to move back in with me I'd say "no". I like having my own space and am content. It's my sanctuary and comfort zone. 

There are ways to reconcile and work things out and still keep your space. Don't give up what makes you feel secure and comfortable in search of something that could very well make things worse just because you feel you "have to".


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

broken98375 said:


> I want to make this brief but I have so much to say. Almost two years ago I had a chance to go oversea's and give our family a financial advantage. The catch side was being gone for six months, take a two week vacation (at home for me) then another six months. We discussed this at great length and decided it was too good to pass up. I don't regret that I went I only regret the doors it opened in our lives. We even discussed a three month extension and agreed once again it was too good to pass on.
> 
> I returned and the life I had left behind was gone. The woman who I had been married too, I dedicated my life and soul too seemed to have nothing but words of anger and discontent for me. After several weeks of seemingly nonstop arguements she confessed she had an affair while I was away that resulted in a pregnancy. She made a decision to have an abortion, a decision that for her was terrible and created such tumult and grief it seemed almost impossible to handle.
> 
> ...





> I have almost completely removed myself from her emotionally.


 I can relate to this....although my situation is different (no cheating that I know of) I've done this to protect myself....



> No more good bye kisses when I leave for work, and "Hi honey" when I come home. I have no desire nor drive to fix what is broken between us anymore I talk to her more like a business partner than a spouse anymore. I have no desire to be affectionate, caring, loving, intimate and I definitely don't want it from another woman.


This is me too....have you thought about talking to someone? I know you don't want advice and I'm sure everyone will say this, but it helped me. My therapist helped bring these things out into the open and helped me understand. Gave me tools to cope and if nothing else, gave me yet another "safe" place to vent.



> Now she wants me to come back into the house, into our bedroom. To try and salvage what is left of our marriage but I can't bring myself to leave the safety of my shed. I don't want to give up the last real place on this property where I feel welcome and safe. I don't want to take down the walls I have put up in order to protect myself. I don't want to hurt anymore and if she pushes me away again this time the shed won't be far enough


 There comes a time/point where you know you've had enough....mine came three years later, but I've moved out. Because I had no safe place....I was living this stressful, tense, sad life and I had to remove myself....there comes a breaking point...

I know how hard this is....
I'm so sorry!

We are here to listen anytime, TAM is a great place.
Lots of people who've been thru simliar situations and sometimes some really good advice...but definately a great place to vent. 

Good luck to you


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I really like that you are going to go to counseling for yourself.

I don't agree with not telling her you know, but its your decision to make. I can tell from you post you are hurting and messed up. People don't think strait when they are this hurt.

Your a better man than your wife. She doesn't deserve a man who brings home a paycheck and sleeps in the shed. She doesn't deserve a year either. I'm impressed that you are still giving her a chance while doing all of this. If you can work this out, that would be great, but its a lot to forgive (not impossible though).

My MC story is in my profile if you care to read it.

Best of luck.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

anx said:


> She doesn't deserve a year either.


:iagree:


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## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

I can forgive anything and there is no wound so great as I can not heal. All things considered I am amazingly upbeat and spirited in my day to day life. Sometimes I have to force it and there are moments of no escape. "Smile long enough and you will find a reason." Might be another lovely result of my upbringing but I have really come to appreciate this frame of thought. I know that life is rarely lived on easy street but if I change my view a rough road can bring joy instead of misery.

The other day my car breaks down on the side of the road. I am flat broke and my chances of fixing this are exceptionally slim. Then it starts to rain. My immediate thoughts were "seriously the only thing left is someone to do a drive-by at this location and hit me when I am not the target". I call a friend of mine and he turns around comes back to get me. I am laying in the mud in the rain trying to fix my car and the frustration of everything makes me want to run the wrong way in the middle of the interstate. I stand up, breathe and look at the hills across the interstate and I start to laugh. OMG this place is gorgeous. I have driven this route back and forth to work for about seven years and I have never noticed. It took my car breaking down in the rain and me going into a virtual melt down to stop and notice. Either I am going insane or I just changed my view of things (is their really a difference? I don't know).

I do know this though. I am a good hearted man with an unending caapability to love, forgive and share joy. I am worthy of love, forgiveness and to be happy. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I also know that I don't have to have these things to survive and that I CAN get along with or without having these things in my life. I don't worry about being happy because I know that if I wait long enough or change my view that too will come into my life. I will no longer accept second place or a backseat when it comes to love. Hugs to all of you out there and KNOW that these truths apply to all of us.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Either I am going insane or I just changed my view of things (is their really a difference? I don't know).


 lol, that was good for a laugh. Yeah, I think you wake up one day and are convinced that the lawn ornaments are reincarnations of famous authors and you need to tell the world and help them save us all from the aliens.



> I am a good hearted man with an unending caapability to love, forgive and share joy. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I also know that I don't have to have these things to survive and that I CAN get along with or without having these things in my life.


 I agree. I hope she realizes this before she pushes you away and loses her chance. So many people come to these forums and don't finally realize what they've lost until its too far gone to save. There so often is a 2-8 week period where people decide to change or the relationship dies. Its really sad to see people realize several days/weeks/months after the relationship dies that they were terrible. It can take a while for the fog of hurt, rationalization, and anger to clear.

Best of luck in your story. I hope your marriage or next relationship end up in a lot better place.


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## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

I like the comment on the lawn ornaments. You gave me chuckle and a smile. Thanks.


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