# In love with husband's friend



## tulip87 (Jul 14, 2010)

First of all, would like to ask everyone for an excuse for my bad English, it's not my native.
I'll try to be brief in this story:

I've been together with my husband for more than 5 years, relationship has always been decent, he loves me a lot, I do love him back too. He has 4-5 good male friend whom I respect. One of them's 2 years younger than my husband and the three of us got close in the first year of our relationship with my husband. I couldn't stand his friend, I couldn't bear his humor, nor his way of thinking...

There were about 3 years then when the two of them didn't really hang out, spent minimum time together and so on.

I was away for 4 months last year, very hard months without my husband. Then when I came back, the two of them (my husband and his friend) had gotten close again which was a surprise for me. We began spending every weekend together, he seemed like he had changed a lot and I began having normal and friendly conversations with him (actually between the three of us). We would even stay in a place together up to 3-4 am in the morning, something unusual for all of us. Slowly but steadily I began developing another interest towards the guy. I am this type of a person who wouldn't stay calm and silent and a few weeks later I wrote him a message immediately after I woke up from a dream about him, telling him: "I was dreaming. I dreamed about you. Forgive and don't tell". No reaction. That made me fall deeper into my own thoughts about him and I felt I was falling for this friend. In one of our endless conversations about things in life (it was the three of us again) he found a way to tell me what he thought about it all. He said: "You've got to learn that when you want something you shouldn't destroy everything on your way, no matter how hard you want it". He's right and so loyal. 

Months passed after this conversation and I thought I had forgotten about him even though we've been seeing each other since then, nothing changed in his friendship with my husband. But then I can always feel he's fighting against himself in a way, he's looking for a contact with me. I don't want a relationship or an affair with him. I want the physical thing to happen and that would be it. But I also know there'd be this temptation from his side to actually tell my husband the truth. That's what keeps me away from knocking on his door so far. He sure knows what I want... but what do I do?

He's not amazing, not the most handsome man, not the most intelligent man and my husband is so much better than him but something keeps on dragging me towards this guy. Help me, please.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

That isn't love honey, that is lust. And I would suggest trying to keep your distance with your friend and working on your marriage.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

You are in lust. Let it go. You just said that your husband is much better. Wake up. How would you feel if your husband were confessing this to us about another woman. Don't think it could happen? You're wrong. It can and then what. Why even consider something physical? You make it clear that that is all you want to happen. You want to have sex with him and stay with your husband and continue to all be friends. You want it all but that's not fair. You aren't thinking at all right now.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your husband deserves better. Don't worry about the friend. If he won't mess around with you, you'll find someone else.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

There is nothing special about your feelings for this guy, nothing out of the ordinary. It simply means you are human in that way like everybody else. You don't need me to tell you that obviously we all develop feelings for other people. We fall in love/in like/in lust with someone all the time. The difference between you and most other people is you have no boundaries set for yourself. You seem to think you can go through life doing whatever you want no matter the consequences. He told you straight out that he does not live his life that way. He let you know, in other words, that he DOES have standards set for the way he lives his life. But you are insisting that he lose his religion for you - someone who is not so special but ridiculously thinks she is. You need to leave that guy alone. Stop trying to MAKE him be the kind of person you are. For that matter, you need to leave your husband alone before you hurt him beyond repair, since you're trying so hard to do that. Because you cannot control yourself and so readily surrender to your feelings, this will happen again. And next time, it will be someone without sruples like you. But your husband does not deserve to be treated this way. Whether you ever do anything or not, you have already disrespected him in a terrible way.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Initfortheduration that is terribly unfair. EVERYone winds up with confusing feelings for someone else during their marriage. Luckily this woman has not acted on it.

Tulip, stop hanging around this guy. Commit to lighting more fire with your husband.


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## tulip87 (Jul 14, 2010)

Guys, thanks a lot for all your comments...

Truth is I've alway suffered from the lack of passion in my relationship, we've talked about it a million times with my husband, nothing ever improved. That pushes me into finding new feelings for people I already know or for complete strangers, both has happened to me during my marriage... I cannot say I'm a saint and that I haven't jumped over my own limitations and standards and principals with an easy hand but well, nothing of this reflected on our marriage nor on the way I treat my husband, he could never lack anything from love to attention, conversations, etc.

Hard situation now comes from the fact it's his friend, probably his best friend... I do realize it's so wrong and honestly, I'm not pushing the guy into anything I am anymore, I kind of gave up on the idea about him but it's those often moments we see each other, make foolish jokes that show the tension between us.. 

I feel like a very dumb person right now really...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

tulip87 said:


> Guys, thanks a lot for all your comments...
> 
> Truth is I've alway suffered from the lack of passion in my relationship, we've talked about it a million times with my husband, nothing ever improved. That pushes me into finding new feelings for people I already know or for complete strangers, both has happened to me during my marriage... I cannot say I'm a saint and that I haven't jumped over my own limitations and standards and principals with an easy hand but well, nothing of this reflected on our marriage nor on the way I treat my husband, he could never lack anything from love to attention, conversations, etc.
> 
> ...


I guess I wasn't far off the mark. I guess she is just being inclusive.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> I guess I wasn't far off the mark. I guess she is just being inclusive.


Poor husband, but then some will say poor wife for not having the passion she wants. You should have never married him and let him find a better wife for him. I never understand these girls who want the bad boy, most of those girls I see are with losers or single moms. Some worked out but not many at all.

If I was his friend, I would have told my buddy that his wife is not worth it. I have a best friend, if anything like this ever happened or I knew that his wife was screwing around I would never hesitate to tell him cuz that's what a true friend is.

And from the looks of it, you've already been sleeping around behind your husband's back, sigh....

Poor, poor husband, just leave him and let him find someone else who'll love him, please you're just unbelievable. I have so many negative words I wanna call you but it's not even worth it. The way to you can just talk about it as if no harm no foul in sleeping with other people. Well I slept with a complete stranger and it has no affect on my marriage, WTF

I'm done, i'm so mad right now I could spit bullets. You really caught me in a bad mood today and this [email protected]#$!$#

Out.


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## tulip87 (Jul 14, 2010)

I have not slept with other men during my marriage! Yes, I had been flirting but that's pretty much everything...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What about counseling? It would seem that you want to be "chased" by your husband so to speak, and sometimes you need to be the one doing the chasing. (this could be wrong BTW, I am just guessing by your wording). 

All I can really gather is that you miss the constant attention that you probably had early on in the marriage, or when you were single, and now you get a wee bit inappropriate when it comes to other men and what is over the line. I get that your H probably has some things he needs to work on also, which is why I ask about counseling. Maybe pick up the book I see here all the time called: The Five Love Languages. That way you can see where the disconnect is.


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## tulip87 (Jul 14, 2010)

You are so right about the chasing part!

Counseling is not available where I reside or it would be too expensive and my husband wouldn't like to go there...

Thank you though.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

haha. Chasing isn't too hard to be wrong about. I can't think of one person who doesn't like to be chased. Now all you have to do is find a way to get that back with your H. It isn't one way, you have to be able to make him feel wanted and needed too, so that is the hard part for women sometimes. We feel like the men should always do the chasing and it isn't really fair to them if we do that. So now I chase my husband. And in return he likes to chase me too....

That book I mentioned above, my H and I looked through it together and it did a lot for us. I realized that he likes to be told that I appreciate things he does, and he learned that I like physical touch. Gets us on the same page, so we know what the other one needs to feel loved.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

tulip87 said:


> I have not slept with other men during my marriage! Yes, I had been flirting but that's pretty much everything...


"I don't want a relationship or an affair with him. I want the physical thing to happen and that would be it. But I also know there'd be this temptation from his side to actually tell my husband the truth. That's what keeps me away from knocking on his door so far. He sure knows what I want... but what do I do?"

Right here you state that the ONLY thing that keeps you from spreading for this guy is that he might tell your husband. You said that you don't want a relationship or even an affair. You want "the physical thing". Sorry, that doesn't make you a flirt. That makes you a ****. A cowardly ****. But a **** none the less.


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## tulip87 (Jul 14, 2010)

It's everything else but f***. It's a kiss, a touch.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It is still cheating honey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

tulip87 said:


> Guys, thanks a lot for all your comments...
> 
> Truth is I've alway suffered from the lack of passion in my relationship, we've talked about it a million times with my husband, nothing ever improved. That pushes me into finding new feelings for people I already know or for complete strangers, both has happened to me during my marriage... I cannot say I'm a saint and that I haven't jumped over my own limitations and standards and principals with an easy hand but well, nothing of this reflected on our marriage nor on the way I treat my husband, he could never lack anything from love to attention, conversations, etc.
> 
> ...


You say you've talked about what you lack with your husband a few times, and that he didn't listen, so (pay very close attention) here's a tip:

*TELL HIM AGAIN!!!*

Only this time, be completely and brutally honest about EVERYTHING you feel. Sit him down, get his undivided attention and say "Dear, I am not getting enough (X) in this marriage. I know we have talked about it before, but I believe you either were not listening or simply do not understand. I need to you know that I NEED (X), and if you cannot or will not give it to me, then this marriage is headed for disaster."

Then try and explain to him how your lack of (X) is resulting in your imagination wandering to other men. Be explicit if you must. Whatever it takes to get your point across.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a very selfish point of view. Have you been like that all your life?


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