# Wife spends all her money on horses



## Broken_Down

Hi,
My wife and have been married for fourteen years and have been together since we were in eight grade, We have a fifteen year old daughter together.
My wife is in the nursing field and I'm a Diesel Tech, Right now I make the most money and pay 99% of the bills.
Here's the issue, My wife has two horses and spends EVERY dime she makes on them, which isn't enough to even cover all the expenses that comes with them,(id say minimal $1500 a month) My daughter loves the horses and competes in shows and does very well, while I want my daughter to have and do what she wants in life, I'm absolutely drowning in debt, I'm in the process of filing Bankruptcy, my wife's never had good credit and everything we have is in my name. 
My wife graduated from nursing school again last November and still hasn't found a job in that field yet, she also racked up $25K in student loans, which came due six months ago, she has not made one payment on and is $1300 behind on.
I do all the bills, she cant be trusted, all I ask is that she buys groceries and gives me $200 a month to help pay some of the bills, and she maintains her car (which I bought and gave to her) she never goes to the grocery store and getting any money from her always causes a huge fight, I always have to ask her for the money, she will never offer.
Everything falls on my shoulders, if anything breaks around the house or needs to be replaced its on me to figure it out. Anything our daughter needs, clothes and so on, is also my responsibility, I had to barrow money from a friend for school shopping this year.
she has her own checking account and bounces checks all the time, she wont even leave her self money to get thru the week and when she needs something like gas she asks me for money which I don't have and gets mad at me and says I'm her husband and should support her. We had a joint checking account that my pay check was directly deposited in, I had to open my own account and have my check put in, she would nickel and dime my money and not tell me, when confronted she said she needed something and would pay it back but never would.
This has been going on for years now. I've tried talking to her many times, which always ends up in a huge argument, she sees absolutely nothing wrong with spending all her money on the horses and says its for our daughter and I should support her. I'm at wits end and not sure what to do, I want our marriage to work but at this point I'm not sure. Thanks in advance for any input...


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## LongWalk

Doesn't the bankruptcy bother her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_Down

LongWalk said:


> Doesn't the bankruptcy bother her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, that's my fault, The bills were all in my name, So she sees that as my problem. most all the debt was household related on things we all use.


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## LongWalk

Well, hope she likes cutting hay with a sickle.


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## Married but Happy

Tough situation, OP. I have some suggestions, but they may not work and will cause arguments. Financial counseling is probably a good idea if possible.

Anyway, you have control of the money, overall. You have a lot of debt and are getting in deeper trouble. First thing is to cut back on all non-essentials. Pay nothing for the horses - that must be her responsibility in total. If she can't afford it, she'll have to make a hard decision to sell one, maybe both. Don't give her any money, including for gas, and take her off any credit cards, and yourself off any she has in her name. Let her manage her own expenses. Pay only for your daughter's necessities - extras need to be cut since you really can't afford them. You may even have to consider selling your house and property, if you own. The time for talk has passed - it's time for action.


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## barbados

Broken Down,

I will admit that I did not even read your full post. Because I don't have to. I live in a fairly rural area. I am literally surrounded by horse owners. My immediate neighbors (who are great) are horse owners. He is an active rodeo barrel racer.

Horses are a black hole of money. They are expensive to feed, to tack, to transport, etc, etc. And horse owners / lovers are many times a different breed. It sounds like your wife is one of them.

I am sorry but hard core horse lovers don't often change.


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## unbelievable

I can't imagine why a nurse can't get a job. Make a budget and stick to it. The horse needs to be sold. It's unfair to ask creditors to write off debt while you're paying $1500 a month for a horse. Needed things take priority and "would-like-to-have" things are for those who can afford them. Right now, you can't. If a horse is a big enough priority for your wife, she'll find a nursing job.


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## Broken_Down

Married but Happy said:


> Tough situation, OP. I have some suggestions, but they may not work and will cause arguments. Financial counseling is probably a good idea if possible.
> 
> Anyway, you have control of the money, overall. You have a lot of debt and are getting in deeper trouble. First thing is to cut back on all non-essentials. Pay nothing for the horses - that must be her responsibility in total. If she can't afford it, she'll have to make a hard decision to sell one, maybe both. Don't give her any money, including for gas, and take her off any credit cards, and yourself off any she has in her name. Let her manage her own expenses. Pay only for your daughter's necessities - extras need to be cut since you really can't afford them. You may even have to consider selling your house and property, if you own. The time for talk has passed - it's time for action.


I have control over my money. I have cut her off everything and opened my own account, which she has no access to. She has her own account her check gets deposited into. which she usually withdraws all the money out of, on pay day. Her selling the horses is out of the question and will never happen, she's made that loud and clear. she's not willing to help me at all. her only concern in life is those horses.


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## EleGirl

In addition to the above, see an attorney to find out if there is any way besides a legal separation or divorce to protect yourself financially from her.

Another concern. You are going bankrupt. Depending on your state, it does not work out very well for you both if only you go bankrupt. They companies you owe can just turn around and go after her. Why isn't she included in the bankruptcy?


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## Broken_Down

barbados said:


> Broken Down,
> 
> I will admit that I did not even read your full post. Because I don't have to. I live in a fairly rural area. I am literally surrounded by horse owners. My immediate neighbors (who are great) are horse owners. He is an active rodeo barrel racer.
> 
> Horses are a black hole of money. They are expensive to feed, to tack, to transport, etc, etc. And horse owners / lovers are many times a different breed. It sounds like your wife is one of them.
> 
> I am sorry but hard core horse lovers don't often change.


I totally agree. Maybe its just time to move on


unbelievable said:


> I can't imagine why a nurse can't get a job. Make a budget and stick to it. The horse needs to be sold. It's unfair to ask creditors to write off debt while you're paying $1500 a month for a horse. Needed things take priority and "would-like-to-have" things are for those who can afford them. Right now, you can't. If a horse is a big enough priority for your wife, she'll find a nursing job.


IMO shes not putting forth much effort to find a better job, I agree the horses need to be sold, she will never do it. I also agree its unfair to the creditors. shes paying the 1500 for the horses not me and that's how I got in this situation. I tell her all the time the horse is not a priority, but she disagrees.


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## Broken_Down

EleGirl said:


> In addition to the above, see an attorney to find out if there is any way besides a legal separation or divorce to protect yourself financially from her.
> 
> Another concern. You are going bankrupt. Depending on your state, it does not work out very well for you both if only you go bankrupt. They companies you owe can just turn around and go after her. Why isn't she included in the bankruptcy?


Nothing was in her name, the only debt we share is our house. Everything else was in my name.


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## EleGirl

Broken_Down said:


> I have control over my money. I have cut her off everything and opened my own account, which she has no access to. She has her own account her check gets deposited into. which she usually withdraws all the money out of, on pay day. Her selling the horses is out of the question and will never happen, she's made that loud and clear. she's not willing to help me at all. her only concern in life is those horses.


Your wife just does not seem to live in reality. You might have no choice but to divorce her to stop the financial bleed. And at least she would be forced to get a full time job.

As it is right now she can still drive up debt and you could be responsible for it. One good thing is that her student debt is not community debt. You are not responsible for it.

If you file for divorce, it might shock her into reality. Having a marriage counselor and a financial advisor lined up would be wise.


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## unbelievable

She wouldn't dig this idea either, but it'd either be attend financial counseling together or I'd file for divorce. Hanging with her is committing financial suicide. Even after the bankruptcy, there's no reason to believe the future would be any brighter. You're paying 99% of the household bills for 14 years and when it comes time for her to sacrifice for the family's financial survival, she can't? A marriage is either a team effort or an exercise in exploitation. Somebody needs to step up and make the hard decisions.


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## EleGirl

Broken_Down said:


> Nothing was in her name, the only debt we share is our house. Everything else was in my name.


In most states that does not matter. They can still go after the spouse whose name is not on the debt. Are you sure that in your state, she is not responsible debt in your name and visa versa? 

Have you actually filed the bankruptcy yet? Have you discussed this topic with your attorney?


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## Broken_Down

EleGirl said:


> Your wife just does not seem to live in reality. You might have no choice but to divorce her to stop the financial bleed. And at least she would be forced to get a full time job.
> 
> As it is right now she can still drive up debt and you could be responsible for it. One good thing is that her student debt is not community debt. You are not responsible for it.
> 
> If you file for divorce, it might shock her into reality. Having a marriage counselor and a financial advisor lined up would be wise.


I agree, she doesn't live in reality. I tell her that. she just don't get it.


EleGirl said:


> In most states that does not matter. They can still go after the spouse whose name is not on the debt. Are you sure that in your state, she is not responsible debt in your name and visa versa?
> 
> Have you actually filed the bankruptcy yet? Have you discussed this topic with your attorney?


Yes, I've filed. has been discussed with attorney. Im waiting on my "meeting with the creditors" to complete the bankruptcy.


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## EleGirl

Broken_Down said:


> I agree, she doesn't live in reality. I tell her that. she just don't get it.
> 
> 
> Yes, I've filed. has been discussed with attorney. Im waiting on my "meeting with the creditors" to complete the bankruptcy.


So the attorney told you that the creditors cannot go after your wife?


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## Broken_Down

EleGirl said:


> So the attorney told you that the creditors cannot go after your wife?


I explained my situation to the attorney and nothing was ever said about the creditors going after her, the attorney asked about her financial situation, the only debt she has is the student loans and the house that's in both our names. the attorney said it wasn't worth her filling.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Bottom line is:

Everything your wife and daughter want is GOLDEN.
Everything you want is crap.

You are supposed to work yourself to death, take on all the debt, ruin your credit so your daughter can show horses and your wife can own them?

WHERE IS THE RESPECT? You're just supposed to take this blatant disrespect...why, again? Because your wife had your child? Sorry! Not a GOOD ENOUGH reason!


Put the house on the market NOW.
Move someplace smaller/cheaper.
Tell wife you're done being a meal-ticket for a lazy self-entitled person who is NOT A PARTNER to you, but a selfish teenager.
Contact your bank and your attorney and INSURE that you will NOT be financially liable for ANY NEW DEBT (loans, credit cards, lines of credit, etc.) that YOUR WIFE takes out.
Cut her off from EVERYTHING.
Pay for a new smaller place.
Pay all the utilities.
Give wife the BARE MINIMUM for groceries every week and that's it.
Your daughter has new clothes for school, she can go without anything new until Christmas (or her birthday, whichever comes first).
No more money for horse shows. Your wife can carry that burden.
Not one dime for horses, or showing, or clothes for horse shows, or gas to horse shows, etc. Your daughter has been in it and enjoyed it, now it's time for a hiatus. She should only be enjoying extra-curriculars that YOU can afford. You guys can't afford this. Simple discussion.

You are teaching her a MORE VALUABLE LESSON about living within one's means than she'll EVER LEARN from caring for/showing horses.

Read some books that the men here can recommend and start LEADING your family into a correct mode of living.


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## Runs like Dog

I would get a suit of armor and ride to the drive through window at the bank.


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## unbelievable

I love horses too, but I aint married to one. I don't expect to take first place before a kid but I'll be damned if I'm coming in second place to anything with four legs.


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## barbados

EleGirl said:


> *Your wife just does not seem to live in reality. *You might have no choice but to divorce her to stop the financial bleed. And at least she would be forced to get a full time job.
> 
> As it is right now she can still drive up debt and you could be responsible for it. One good thing is that her student debt is not community debt. You are not responsible for it.
> 
> If you file for divorce, it might shock her into reality. Having a marriage counselor and a financial advisor lined up would be wise.


Like I said In my other post, hard core horse lovers often do not live in reality. I cannot give you a reason for this, but I know enough of them to tell you this is true.


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## EleGirl

barbados said:


> Like I said In my other post, hard core horse lovers often do not live in reality. I cannot give you a reason for this, but I know enough of them to tell you this is true.


Do you know how to make a small fortune in horses?

Start with a large one.


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## 6301

You said "My wife has two horses and spend every dime SHE MAKES on them." You also said she has her own checking account. If that's the case, where is she getting this money if she's not working? 

Now, it comes down to this. Can you say no? If not you damn well better start learning because it's obvious that the wife is wearing the pants in the family and doing a piss poor job of it and now your financially ruined, so whose at fault? I'm not trying to step on your toes but damn man you should have put the stop to this a long time ago by standing up to your irresponsible wife and taking charge before this got out of hand. 

Here's what you have to do. Either cut back to the minimum on everything and that means the horses, the shows and all the other things that have anything to do with her horses and all other things that are unnecessary. 

If she gets pissed? So what! She already is. You are the only one that can do something about this. If she threatens you with divorce, then let her. What the hell, there's nothing to divide up anymore. See if she can find some guy whose going to shell out big time bucks on a couple of horses with all the trimmings. Fat chance Groucho. She got in a habit of doing what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants with no serious threats of you doing anything about it and IMO this business with the horses, she's using your daughter to get her way. 

Time for you to take the white hat off and put the black one on and turn villain for your own welfare and if your wife doesn't realize it but if you file, the way things are it's not like it used to be where you just walk away from your debt. You and her will have to pay some of it and she might not like it when Cowboy Bob comes for the horses because you both have to settle debts.


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## Broken_Down

6301 said:


> You said "My wife has two horses and spend every dime SHE MAKES on them." You also said she has her own checking account. If that's the case, where is she getting this money if she's not working?
> 
> Now, it comes down to this. Can you say no? If not you damn well better start learning because it's obvious that the wife is wearing the pants in the family and doing a piss poor job of it and now your financially ruined, so whose at fault? I'm not trying to step on your toes but damn man you should have put the stop to this a long time ago by standing up to your irresponsible wife and taking charge before this got out of hand.
> 
> Here's what you have to do. Either cut back to the minimum on everything and that means the horses, the shows and all the other things that have anything to do with her horses and all other things that are unnecessary.
> 
> If she gets pissed? So what! She already is. You are the only one that can do something about this. If she threatens you with divorce, then let her. What the hell, there's nothing to divide up anymore. See if she can find some guy whose going to shell out big time bucks on a couple of horses with all the trimmings. Fat chance Groucho. She got in a habit of doing what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants with no serious threats of you doing anything about it and IMO this business with the horses, she's using your daughter to get her way.
> 
> Time for you to take the white hat off and put the black one on and turn villain for your own welfare and if your wife doesn't realize it but if you file, the way things are it's not like it used to be where you just walk away from your debt. You and her will have to pay some of it and she might not like it when Cowboy Bob comes for the horses because you both have to settle debts.


She is working, Just not in field she went to school for. she's currently a CRMA and just finished her LPN. Sorry for any misunderstanding. I don't pay for any of the horse stuff and never will.


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## celeste

The horses should be the first thing to go if you are buried in that much debt. Did you buy the horses together? (are they registered in your name as well as hers?) If so, I would put them up for sale ASAP. I realize that your daughter shows and loves them but she also needs to be aware of what it costs to do those things. You said that she won't agree to it, but horses are livestock so they are your property too. 

The horses and any other "fun" extracurricular activities need to be put on the back burner until you and your wife can work through your debt. Financial counseling sounds like a need! She shouldn't be spending what she makes on a luxury hobby when you are drowning in debt. She sounds like she is at a point where you are left giving her an ultimatum. Grow up or get out!


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## LongWalk

You pretty much have to file for divorce to get her attention.

Does she love you? Hard to image that your sex life is good with all this worry?

Does she have any savings?

Is there anything good about your wife? So far, she just sounds completely selfish and uninteresting?


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## 827Aug

I know a lot about this topic. I'm the horse person and the one who was financially responsible in the marriage. 

Is your wife boarding the horses or do you own your own place? With the expenses you listed it sounds as though the horses are boarded. I have eight horses now and I spend nowhere near that much on them. However, I no longer show. They are also out on pasture most of the year, and I'm able to handle most medical problems myself. I would really like to sell them, but that's next to impossible in the current market. 

My husband's spending habits were very much like your wife's habits. His mother is the same way. I'm convinced it is some sort of mental problem. Everything worked out great as long as I handled our finances. We made out a budget and stuck to it. However, when his mid-life crisis hit, financial stability went out the window. He took over the finances. It was like a child in the candy shop. We went from being very well off, to poverty. We lost almost everything. I filed bankruptcy to finally get some peace. He, however, did not. He simply ignores the creditors. I can certainly feel your pain.

Now that you are in bankruptcy, you must change things in your life. Bankruptcy gives you a chance for a fresh start. That fresh start is up to you now.


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## DTO

LongWalk said:


> Doesn't the bankruptcy bother her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't imagine it would, except to the extent that she considers it his screw up and is pissed at him.

To the OP - the real issue here is that your wife expects you to take care of her (just as you reported). There was a TAMer some time ago who was told that the woman's money should be all for her, but the guy should be able to meet the family needs, his own personal wants, and contribute some to his wife besides.

This is your wife - her behavior proves it. Unfortunately, my ex participated in this mindset as well.

So, based on experience, what you need to do is put your foot down - now. You guys are a partnership and that means she needs to support the household - not just skim off the top. Right now she's just a financial parasite. That's obviously not healthy for the family and not for you as an individual (witness the stress you are enduring).

Keep in mind that she sees you as a screw-up - a husband not meeting his responsibilities (evidenced by the bankruptcy). Her demands won't change unless you make a stand. At this rate she'll eventually tire of your perceived shortcomings and leave you at some point. So you really have nothing to lose by taking a stand now, except years of frustration and a chunk of cash.

My perception is that this is an overall respect issue more than a straight financial issue. She simply sees you as being there to serve her. So, let me ask this:

* How respectful of your wants and needs is she with respect to your sex life, child-rearing, and other important issues?


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## DTO

Broken_Down said:


> She is working, Just not in field she went to school for. she's currently a CRMA and just finished her LPN. Sorry for any misunderstanding. I don't pay for any of the horse stuff and never will.


Sorry, but I'm not buying it.

Every indication is that nurses are in strong demand almost anywhere. Not only is there a shortage, but she should be able to find a job locally. Large employers can locate in major cities and make employees come to them, but hospitals and doctor's offices have to be located where the people are.

If the issue is that she's an LPN and not an RN, then she needs to get on the ball and get back to school. Pissing away six months with jobs available in your situation is inexcusable. My take is she did this for her personal fulfillment and did not really intend to go to work in this field. If she only nets $1,500 a month, what does she do currently? Nursing can be demanding work - that's why it pays well for relative little schooling.

Secondly, you are paying for the horse stuff, albeit indirectly. If she was not with you, she would have to support herself (and could not begin to provide the basics on only $1,500 per month). YOU make it possible for her to be so frivolous, which is why you have a say so.


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## DTO

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Bottom line is:
> 
> Everything your wife and daughter want is GOLDEN.
> Everything you want is crap.
> 
> You are supposed to work yourself to death, take on all the debt, ruin your credit so your daughter can show horses and your wife can own them?
> 
> WHERE IS THE RESPECT? You're just supposed to take this blatant disrespect...why, again? Because your wife had your child? Sorry! Not a GOOD ENOUGH reason!
> 
> 
> Put the house on the market NOW.
> Move someplace smaller/cheaper.
> Tell wife you're done being a meal-ticket for a lazy self-entitled person who is NOT A PARTNER to you, but a selfish teenager.
> Contact your bank and your attorney and INSURE that you will NOT be financially liable for ANY NEW DEBT (loans, credit cards, lines of credit, etc.) that YOUR WIFE takes out.
> Cut her off from EVERYTHING.
> Pay for a new smaller place.
> Pay all the utilities.
> Give wife the BARE MINIMUM for groceries every week and that's it.
> Your daughter has new clothes for school, she can go without anything new until Christmas (or her birthday, whichever comes first).
> No more money for horse shows. Your wife can carry that burden.
> Not one dime for horses, or showing, or clothes for horse shows, or gas to horse shows, etc. Your daughter has been in it and enjoyed it, now it's time for a hiatus. She should only be enjoying extra-curriculars that YOU can afford. You guys can't afford this. Simple discussion.
> 
> You are teaching her a MORE VALUABLE LESSON about living within one's means than she'll EVER LEARN from caring for/showing horses.
> 
> Read some books that the men here can recommend and start LEADING your family into a correct mode of living.


Nice, but I would add a couple of things:

1) Her earning potential (esp. with a nursing degree) is $ABC. Based on that she needs to contribute $XYZ to household expenses. As her income goes up, her expected contribution goes up. And, personal hobbies, extracurriculars, personal spending don't count.

My ex used to say she had lots of expenses. She needed new clothes for work because she couldn't be seen in last year's stuff, she needed to eat lunch and all the restaurants near her job were fairly pricey, etc. Don't fall for it.

2) After she meets her financial responsibilities, then she can spend on herself.

3) Immediate savings and retirement planning count as expenses for which you must budget.


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## DTO

Broken_Down,

If you don't want to flat out go the divorce route, how about having a "come to Jesus" (so to speak) meeting with her. Something like:

1) Despite what you think, the bills are not all my responsibility. You are part of the home and you must participate in running it.

2) I am frankly offended that you can sit here and watch me struggle and sink under the weight of your desired lifestyle, and continue to refuse to help. I will tolerate that level of disrespect.

3) The problem is not that I don't make enough money - it's that it's being wasted on non-necessities. I was too timid to take a stand against all that waste, until now.

4) This bankruptcy is the "last straw". I won't live like this any more. You having a nursing credential and can afford to contribute meaningfully to the family. I will insist on it.

5) If you don't agree to be more responsible and shoulder the burden with me, you are free to leave. If you do, I can guarantee that the horses will go away, since you will have to pay your own rent, food, etc. You are out of touch with the financial realities of life, and need to take a step back and see how things work in the real world.


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## momtwo4

What a stressful situation. Can you do a budget together? IMO, she has absolutely no business spending that much money on horses when you are in financial crisis. I don't understand, plain and simple. She needs to accept responsibility for the financial crisis your family is experiencing--and certainly not blame it all on you! It sounds like she needs some counseling to me.


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## 3Xnocharm

Another horse person chiming in, here. I get her, I totally do. I had a horse for years, and had to sell to live in the real world, unfortunately. Horses are a luxury, plain and simple. It doesnt feel like it to those of us with horses in our veins, but that is the reality. Your wife needs a better job if she wants to keep them. Period. Otherwise, since your daughter is the one showing, etc, your wife should sell her horse and keep your daughter's. Or maybe find a cheaper place to board, or board on pasture. SOMETHING has to give here! Your wife's actions are extremely selfish, and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. She for sure wouldnt be able to afford them should you divorce, so she really needs to wake up.


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## Broken_Down

LongWalk said:


> You pretty much have to file for divorce to get her attention.
> 
> Does she love you? Hard to image that your sex life is good with all this worry?
> 
> Does she have any savings?
> 
> Is there anything good about your wife? So far, she just sounds completely selfish and uninteresting?


Does she love me? good question. I would say at this point, probably not. The horses are a daily fight, with us. She has actually moved out of our bed room and in to the spare room.
sex, is a whole different topic. And no she has no savings or any kind of retirement fund.


827Aug said:


> I know a lot about this topic. I'm the horse person and the one who was financially responsible in the marriage.
> 
> Is your wife boarding the horses or do you own your own place? With the expenses you listed it sounds as though the horses are boarded. I have eight horses now and I spend nowhere near that much on them. However, I no longer show. They are also out on pasture most of the year, and I'm able to handle most medical problems myself. I would really like to sell them, but that's next to impossible in the current market.
> 
> My husband's spending habits were very much like your wife's habits. His mother is the same way. I'm convinced it is some sort of mental problem. Everything worked out great as long as I handled our finances. We made out a budget and stuck to it. However, when his mid-life crisis hit, financial stability went out the window. He took over the finances. It was like a child in the candy shop. We went from being very well off, to poverty. We lost almost everything. I filed bankruptcy to finally get some peace. He, however, did not. He simply ignores the creditors. I can certainly feel your pain.
> 
> Now that you are in bankruptcy, you must change things in your life. Bankruptcy gives you a chance for a fresh start. That fresh start is up to you now.


Yes, she boards the horses, has vet bills, grain, hay, farrier, trailering fees, lessons, show fees, show clothes, tack.. It goes on and on.


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## Broken_Down

I guess another important thing, I forgot to mention is the time, My wife and daughter spend at the barn and at these shows, Its a lot. Its everyday and they are usually gone all day on the weekends. I'm left home, they invite me but I have a hard time with it, it just makes me angry, I've tried.
The 18th is our 14 year wedding anniversary and they are leaving the 17th -22nd for a show. Usually the shows are only a day or a weekend long.
I try to do things with my daughter buts it always has to be scheduled around the horses. We cant ever do anything or go any where as a family, cause of the horses and I always have to pay if we wanted too.
So tired of this, time for a change. I really wanted to keep the peace until my daughter graduated high school, she's started tenth grade this year. Im not sure I can make it.


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## turnera

Why should she get it? You continue to dig yourself this hole because you won't stand up to her. Tell the attorney that the horses are going to be sold along with everything else for the bankruptcy. If she ever gets her head out of her azz and starts working a real job, she can start saving up to buy a new horse. For now, any money she earns is going into the family account which YOU will use to pay down bills. And your daughter, guess what? She gets to get a job! Maybe she can find one at the stables and get to ride someone's horse once in a while.


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## turnera

The reason you are so depressed and distraught is that you are being a Nice Guy and you know deep down that it's the wrong thing to do, you are supposed to be leading your family, not tagging along for the ride. Go get No More Mr Nice Guy from the library and start reading it.


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## Iver

I didn't catch if you attend church - reason I'm asking is many larger ones have financial planning available for members. Your lawyer should also be able to recommend a financial planner. 

You do have a lawyer right?? If not get one asap. 

Obviously your wife has to get a job. If she has a nursing certification it shouldn't be that hard. Is she going to any temp agencies as well?

The problem is pretty simple here. Horses are a luxury and you are not rich. Most people aren't. 

The reality is sooner or later the bills come due and it looks like "later" has arrived.

Unfortunately I don't see your wife changing so I suspect (as you well know) a divorce is most likely inevitable.

Marital counseling if your wife agrees to it couldn't hurt I guess.


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## Tomara

unbelievable said:


> She wouldn't dig this idea either, but it'd either be attend financial counseling together or I'd file for divorce. Hanging with her is committing financial suicide. Even after the bankruptcy, there's no reason to believe the future would be any brighter. You're paying 99% of the household bills for 14 years and when it comes time for her to sacrifice for the family's financial survival, she can't? A marriage is either a team effort or an exercise in exploitation. Somebody needs to step up and make the hard decisions.


Amen! A horse is a pleasure item only to have if you can afford it, as in a lot of things in life. Does she understand the difference between need and want? She will continue to drag you down as long as you allow it. Nature of the beast so to speak. Nursing is one of the best job fields to get into and they are wide open (least in my area they are). I would lay it on the line, get a job, help with getting the mess cleaned up so you don't have to file. Require her to attend money management counseling. I know your daughter really love to ride and show but what are you teaching her.....it's okay to be irresponsible if its what you want?


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## EleGirl

If she realizes that she will have to give up the horses as things are, maybe it will motivate her to become more responsible. She can get a good paying job and reduce what she sends on them by 50%.

Then put the rest of her income into a joint account to pay the bills. 

Give a little, take a little.. that might work.


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## 827Aug

Broken_Down said:


> Yes, she boards the horses, has vet bills, grain, hay, farrier, trailering fees, lessons, show fees, show clothes, tack.. It goes on and on.


That explains it. Unreal! I was hoping your wife and daughter had some "horse resources" of their own. Even as a wealthy woman, I found ways to reduce my trainer's bills. I groomed show horses for the other clients in the barn and handled all "horse paperwork" for the trainer and other clients. A person who can band a horse's mane can stay busy at a weekend show and pay for their own show trip. As for the show clothes, I made my own--a huge savings. Your wife and daughter need to get smarter about the horse/family finances or sell the horses.


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## Unique Username

Declaring Bankruptcy will not resolve any Student Loans. They are no longer able to be included (laws changed in 1998) You can't escape Student Loans.

How to File for Bankruptcy to Avoid Paying a Student Loan | eHow


Also all debts incurred while married become JOINT debts as well as Assets are JOINT assets.

There is a grace period of 6months following graduation before payments begin to become due.

If she is unemployed she can get a deferment or forebearance agreement...see lending institution for instructions/information.

As for Nursing. There are MANY ways that she could find employment where they (the US Dept of Ed) actually forgives all of the loan if she works in certain designated NEED areas. The nursing school she graduated from will have this information readily available. I am assuming that she is an RN with a Bachelors Degree...25K hmm maybe she is an Associate degreed RN. Anyway, need is great and jobs ABOUND. Every VA across the country is hiring nurses. Where do you live? 

RNs are highly employable EVERYWHERE in the United States. The need is consistently great. Again her Nursing School has a placement office. 

Horses are expensive if taken care of properly. And competition is even more expensive. I would really hope that you and wife will do the necessary sacrifices to help your daughter continue with her competition/horses. She is 15, so only 3 more years and she is in College. I hope you all can keep it together at least until she is in College.

In a business, expenses are controlled by a budget. Seems like you need to be the CFO and create a budget. This could be a great tool to TEACH your daughter how not to live beyond her means. She also needs to know how much it costs to do what she loves (the Horses) if she intends to keep competing or even keep them for just enjoyment when she graduates from College she will need to know what it costs to do so. Sounds like a really great teaching moment.

Sincere good luck to you.


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## Unique Username

Have your daughter pick her favorite horse and sell the others. 
Cut down on competition unless she is intending to go pro or Olympic. 

Don't totally screw your daughter out of the horses...you will be resented forever.


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## turnera

Unique Username said:


> Have your daughter pick her favorite horse and sell the others.
> Cut down on competition unless she is intending to go pro or Olympic.
> 
> Don't totally screw your daughter out of the horses...you will be resented forever.


 I agree...to a point. She's a teenager. If she wants this in her life, she should be working at Target or something to help pay for it.


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## Unique Username

She could be working at the Stables to reduce/in lieu of the boarding cost of the ONE horse she is keeping. Are lessons imperative? If she has been showing for years, there isn't much else to learn. Is she Western or English, Does she jump? Drassage?


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## turnera

btw, you're teaching your daughter to be just like her mom, by allowing all this. She'll do the same thing to some poor guy who's too weak to stand up to HER, too.


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## Sanity

Unfortunately you have a spouse that does not live in financial reality and thinks unicorns fart money and it lands in her bank account. 

My ex was sorta like this. She wanted all the nice things but would not help me financially. She would also cite that she bought our son's clothes and spend 100 on a few shirts while I drowned in the mortgage, car payments, insurance, etc BUT I WAS THE LOSER?


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## chillymorn

Sanity said:


> Unfortunately you have a spouse that does not live in financial reality and thinks unicorns fart money and it lands in her bank account.
> 
> My ex was sorta like this. She wanted all the nice things but would not help me financially. She would also cite that she bought our son's clothes and spend 100 on a few shirts while I drowned in the mortgage, car payments, insurance, etc BUT I WAS THE LOSER?


What unicorns don't fart $$$$$$$$

I'll have to check with my wife because I'm pretty sure that you might be wrong according to her.

how about trees it still grows on trees .....now I understand the unicorns eat the leaves and then fart money......now I feel better.


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## PBear

Sanity said:


> Unfortunately you have a spouse that does not live in financial reality and thinks unicorns fart money and it lands in her bank account.
> 
> My ex was sorta like this. She wanted all the nice things but would not help me financially. She would also cite that she bought our son's clothes and spend 100 on a few shirts while I drowned in the mortgage, car payments, insurance, etc BUT I WAS THE LOSER?


Until there's consequences to his wife, the unicorn theory is as valid as anything. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega

Hmm...something isn't right with all of this. 

Your wife got those horses from SOMEWHERE. Did she use her own money to buy them? Were they both GIVEN to her? 

And if she bought them herself, where did she get the money to do so?


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## Sanity

Mavash. said:


> :rofl:
> 
> My personal favorite is the Jesus atm theory.
> 
> Just pray about it and God will provide.
> 
> Either way agree if there are no consequences it doesn't matter.


My ex MIL was/is like this. She is close to spending away 500K life insurance because she spends like a drunken sailor and lives in a 10K square feet home by herself because she cannot bear selling the house and doesn't want to give up the lifestyle. She would always say "I've been a good person and God will provide".


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## Blondilocks

In California, experience is being required of nurses. Spoke with a recently graduated RN who is doing an unpaid internship at a hospital to gain experience.

Also, California community colleges offer an LPN or LVN (as it is called here) certification for $2800 which includes tuition, uniforms, books etc. Does your state not offer this type of education?

Since you're being used as a piggy bank and you're not getting anything out of this marriage you might want to cut your losses.
Let the princess take care of her own steeds and her own needs.


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## LongWalk

How is your relationship with your daughter?


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## couple

I'm trying to be supportive so please take this as intended. I consider your family to be a single financial unit. You've been married for 14 years and both of you adults own and are responsible for your financial situation. While I sympathize with your marital problem, I will not sit here and tell you had awful she is or how this is all her fault. I think that kind of 'support' only perpetuates the problem here. She's flying around in unicorn land while you are just pointing the finger at her. The more you blame her the less responsibility for this that you will take. All the while the people who you owe money to are not going to get paid because you are living far beyond your means and participating in this luxury hobby. Frankly i'm sickened that in the end we will all have to foot the bill for this gross lack of responsibility.

Continuing to spend about $20k per year on a luxury hobby while going through a process to back out of your financial commitments is obscene and teaches your daughter a very bad lesson about integrity and responsibility.

Again, i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but something needs to get you to take responsibility for this and turn it around. Your wife and daughter's social circle i'm sure is wrapped up in these horse events so change here will not be easy or pleasant for any of you. You sound like you are afraid of confrontation with your wife and she knows how to play you. Sounds like she just yells and you back down. Life isnt' always pleasant but sometimes a man needs to take care of business. I've been raised to take my financial (and other) commitments seriously. Sometimes being an adult and a man means that you need to take care of tough things in life. I sympathize with you because this does sound very tough but you are boxed into a corner and you have no option but to get tough and force a resolution to this. You've avoided these confrontations for far too long and so the price now in sorting it out is much greater. Of course you need to do what's best financially but in principle, solving this by bankruptcy (meaning running from financial commitments to others) because you can't stand up to your wife is not going to be good for your self esteem and will not solve the problem in yourself or your relationship. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## Wild Mustang

Unless in particular horsey areas, selling a horse can be impossible. Lots of horses can't even be given away.

Although your wife wouldn't agree, the horses can be partially leased to other riders for 1+ days/week. Check into insurance coverage first.

When speaking to your bankruptcy lawyer, see what he knows about divorce law in your state. A judge might order you to continue supporting your child's sport, especially once you are out of bankruptcy and starting anew, if the judge determines you could afford it.


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## jac70

Wild Mustang said:


> Unless in particular horsey areas, selling a horse can be impossible. Lots of horses can't even be given away.
> 
> Although your wife wouldn't agree, the horses can be partially leased to other riders for 1+ days/week. Check into insurance coverage first.
> 
> When speaking to your bankruptcy lawyer, see what he knows about divorce law in your state. A judge might order you to continue supporting your child's sport, especially once you are out of bankruptcy and starting anew, if the judge determines you could afford it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Yolandi

Your wife needs a reality check. 

I love horses myself, but


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## Yolandi

Your wife needs a reality check. It's shocking that she doesn't care about your bankruptcy.

I love horses myself, but I live in a rural area with my own pasture and hayfield. If not, I wouldn't even consider horses. As other people have said, they are a black hold.

If I were you I would make up a budget and write out who pays for what. And stick to it.


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## satrap

this thread is a slightly amazing thing to see, since I have a similar problem. I can afford the horses we have, but it's just not been good for my marriage. Interesting that others see this too.


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